# I need to know if I am over reacting.



## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I am going to try to keep this short and sweet.

My wife had an affair about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, I experienced pretty much the same thing everyone else goes through. She never answered any questions I had about it and there are a lot of issues still in my head about the affair.

Anyway, tonight we went out to dinner with two guys and a girl she works with. After dinner, in the parking lot, she left me alone in our car and got in a car with the others to smoke weed. Due to my job, I absolutely cannot participate in that.

It upset me, and made me feel really small sitting alone in our car while she sat in the other car getting high with them.

When she came back to our car I told her it upset me and we ended up having a big fight.

She says I am way overreacting. I just don't know. My mind has been so confused for the last two years I just don't know if I am overreacting about something or not.

What does everyone think? Am I overreacting? She claims she had no idea that this would upset me in any way.

This is very important to me, because I think if I am really not overreacting and she is just doing the same old mind games making me question myself, then I am going to throw in the towel on our marriage and tell her I want a divorce.

On the other hand, if I am overreacting, I will continue to try to get myself together and save our marriage.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

Looser said:


> I am going to try to keep this short and sweet.
> 
> My wife had an affair about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, I experienced pretty much the same thing everyone else goes through. She never answered any questions I had about it and there are a lot of issues still in my head about the affair.
> 
> ...


No, your wife is playing you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Dude,
Your wife cheats, gets high and you are okay with this? Time to man up and kick this one to the curb. You are NOT overreacting. You are being a cuckold. End this crap now before the next thing she suggests is a gang bang.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

She's a married woman acting like she's single and showing you disrespect.She does this in front of you,so god knows what she does behind your back.She has so little willpower that she has to leave her H alone in the car while she goes and gets high.Too f'n much!! With her past track record and not having come completely clean I would tell her to get her head on straight,grow the h*ll up and start acting like a committed wife or move along.jmo

You were probably wrong to give her a second chance.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

So far it looks like my feelings were normal.

This whole thing has been such an ordeal for me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude I can tell you how a successful R worked for me;

There is a life style change that my fWW has made.

There is a level of submission that takes place that doesn't leave me feeling small but that I am the most impotant thing in her life.

There are painful discussions that face the shamefull and humilating detials of the affairs.

Learning the tool thru IC on why she is the way she is and how to maintain a healthy relationship. 

Sorry brother your stories sounds like mine the first time I caught my wife cheating. Now, thirteen years later and 20 OM I desided I had had enough and faced it head on.

You my friend are letting her sweep the affair under the carpet, I know I did it time and time again it got to a point were I started pushing her around and she keep sleeping around.

So I can tell you that with out boundries and the willingness to let her go she will continue with these same behaviors with out any consequences to stop her.

So regardless if you are over reacting or not this sounds like serial cheating in progress.... It may not happen for another couple of years but it will happen. Why? b/c you aren't willing to protect your marriage and tell her what you will except right then and there. 

Some folks call it controlling ....I call it protecting my marriage. It will always be up to my wife to except this protection or move on to let some other guy tolorate her disrespect.

See, folk will get away with what they can as long as we tolorate it.

I hope you understand the kind of respect you need to command and the confidence you need show in not begging for the marriage.

I'm not saying be an @ss about it but when it comes to protecting your marriage and commanding respect you have to have confidence in letting the wayward go if she want some thing different.

I understand you spoke up after the fact my point is stepping up during the fact.

Btw, my wife takes her bud home and hits the pipe at our house...not with me but at our house. See what ever she was going to smoke, the guys could have given a pinch to go so she could be home with her man.

The wierd thing is she never smoked during her affairs, but now it keeps her grounded, a little more expensive then the meds the IC wanted her to take, but why not? if it work for her and calm her need to be running around all night why fight it.

But in your case I see the weed as a reson to run around all night so again sometime a life style change is need to affair proof the marriage...so thats on her. 
whats on you is tolorating her crap and speaking your mind.

I have a feeling if you spoke up right then and now she would have told you to go home and you wouldn't see her until the next morning with her underwear on backwards.

Maybe I'm wrong but next time speak up and tell her to take a pinch to go, you ain't sitting alone in the car while she breaks the law in public.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Damb that was long sorry


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

It is amazing how in my own head I am trying to talk myself out of this.

I'm thinking, "Well, if the poll gets to 50 to zero I will tell her I want a divorce".

It is pretty clear right now that my feelings are justified. Either she knows they are justified and she is just trying to spin me like she always has, or she really is so far out of touch with what a marriage should be that she really genuinely does not think she did anything wrong.

In my head I know it does not matter which it is. Either way, I need to get away from her.

So why do I have that other voice trying to talk me out of divorce?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You see looser, once the cheating starts the WS becomes a DIFFERENT person then the one you married, unless you knowingly married a serial cheater. Think about it, your WW didn't marry you with the intention of sleeping around, therefore, something HAD to change in her. Like the guy above, my STBXW started the whole cheating thing and hasn't looked back. She is currently on OM #10 and has cheated on him with 3 different people (Okay, I don't count so really 2, but who's counting?) 

You have to decide what you are willing to take and then stand your ground. I told my WW that either sleeping around stops or me and the kids are gone. She went to a bar one night and met OM #7 and didn't come home until the next morning. After I got her phone while she was sleeping and read her texts from that OM, my mind was made up. THE NEXT DAY I signed a lease on an apartment and my kids and I moved out. She also assaulted me on a couple of occasions and was convicted of domestic violence and allowed OM #6 to give our 14 year old daughter marijuana, a charge she was also convicted of. 

My STBXW and I are still very close despite the above. We talk daily, do things with our kids, and get along well but she understands that she cannot be married to me any longer. She knows now that she traded her easy stay at home mom lifestyle for someone who has to work for a living, loss of health insurance, loss of self esteem, and now someone who jumps from guy to guy desperate for someone to "love" her. She has borderline personality disorder and I don't "walk on eggshells". My time is too valuable to play games. Yours is too.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

i dont think she really cares one way or another , she just rather get high ... 

This whole world is something else ! 

~sammy


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Ok then.

Today is the day. How should I present this to her? What should I say?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There are two issues here:

1. The fact she never opened up about the affair and answered ALL of your questions. That's completely no OK. It lets her have loyalty to the AP and it lets he maintain the secrets and thrill of the affair. 

She needs to immediately and forever answer truthfull every and I mean every question about the affair as many times as you ask it. Her keeping secrets is what helped the affair happen in the first place.

2. Her ditching you to hang with these guys and girls is horribly belittling of you. In essence, she chose getting high and being with these guys over you. Think of it this way. You're at a bar, a guy walk up to your wife and says "hey babe, want to grab a drink with me? Let's go over to my table." She then turns her back on you and goes to the man's table. Leaving you standing there alone.

Talk about a slap in the face.

Your wife's attitude sounds like she just does what she likes, when she likes it, and you can just get lost until she's ready to have you around again. 

Let me bet she finds you controlling and jealous when you speak up.

Are you sure she really ended the affair? How do you know since she won't answer questions about it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Before you react think about a few things. Do you want your marriage to work? I think so if you are asking questions here. Most people with the one sided information will say divorce her and move on. This is the times we live in.

If you want it to work, you need to man-up and set bounderies, along with some MC.

An affair is a major break in trust, but the sitting in the car getting high is likely a drunk decision in a party mood. If your company was not doing random drug tests, would you have also joined in? If you are completely against smoking pot, then that is a very good reason for having an issue.

It sounds like you have some unresolved issues from the PA that need to be addressed in the company of a professional. A good MC should be able to help you both work through it. It will be painful and long, and you will only get out of it what you put into it.

IMHO. I wish you well!


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I am seeing things with a little more clarity now.

I was always so blind to how I was being manipulated. Due to my love for her, I could not imagine she could do things that would hurt me, so I explained them by telling myself that she does not understand that these things hurt me.

Long ago I realized that she does know these things hurt me, but she manipulates me into thinking she does not, then twists my head until I feel guilty about being hurt. She does terrible things, then convinces me to feel guilty that she does them. Meanwhile, she lives guilt free and does as she likes while I am just like the little puppy that takes unlimited abuse while still trying to please its owner.

This is exactly the same thing. She knew it was wrong. She knew it would hurt me. Still, she did it and fell back on her lifelong method: Try to convince me that I was the one with the problem.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

We tried marriage counseling after the affair was supposedly over.

She did the same thing there she does at home. Never shares her feelings. Answers every question "I don't know". Just kept saying she was perfectly happy now.

Meanwhile, I was pouring my heart out each time. It was really, really difficult for me, because I am not that type of person. I like to keep my feelings to myself, but I forced myself to pour my heart out.

After 10 or so sessions, the counselor suggested that there really was no point in us continuing due to the "I don't knows" or just dead silence where she just stared at the floor. I agreed because it just made me feel foolish and abused by baring my soul while she just sat there as closed off to me as ever.

I gave up myself on the communication thing because I got so tired of just talking and talking while she just sat there silently.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yikes. She passive aggressive for sure. She shuts up when confronted, but later aggresively twist you around until you are the bad guy.

Let me guess - she had the affair because of things you either did or didn't do - right? 

Did she at any point accept sole responsibility for choosing to cheat?

Did she show and continue to show remorse for hurting you?

If not, then you are in a very bad spot because she has a very good chance of cheating again. The reason is that she hasn't built into her own head the logic "I must not cheat again, because I will hurt my husband so much, and I feel horrible when I hurt my husband"

Remorse shows she learned the lesson of how much it hurts her to hurt you.

Without that lesson she's still using the same logic in her head that lead her to cheat last time. So given similar opportunity she will cheat again.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

the guy said:


> Dude I can tell you how a successful R worked for me;
> 
> There is a life style change that my fWW has made.


What is an R or an fWW?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Looser, I think you should hold off and think about this for a minute.

In one scenario..........
Your wife cheated nearly two years ago. You never got over it, and she didn't help you. How you feel about it is understandable.

In another scenario..........
Your wife left you in the car to go smoke weed with some co-workers. You felt neglected, disrespected, and pushed to the side. How you feel about that is also understandable.

But, what does one have to do with the other?

And why do they have to mean divorce?

I know you feel disrespected. However, you are not doing what needs to be done just like she isn't. But, you are blaming her 100 percent. Plus, if two completely separate and completely different transgressions in nearly two years are all you base your decision to divorce on, then maybe you should divorce without her to blame. In other words, perhaps your hurt feelings from her affair are enough to make you want a divorce, meaning there is nothing she could do to change your mind, and everything she does confirms your decision in your head.

I don't know if you are overreacting or if you are justified. I only know that people's responses are pushing you over the edge to make you feel justified in doing something you really don't want to do. I know that I don't feel their responses are justified. I think they are overreacting, whether you are or not. They are bashing your wife as being rotten for cheating on you and rotten for smoking weed. Again, I ask what one has to do with the other? You are allowing them to make you harshly judge her for smoking weed. But, you clearly didn't have a problem with that. Your problem, as you expressed it, was that she left you alone in the car to do it.

There is work that needs to be done. One thing is, she needs to know what she owes you in order to help you heal from her indiscretion. The other thing is you need to know how to heal and how to forgive her. You need to know that is possible if it's what you want to do. I gather it is what you want to do since you stayed with her. However, you haven't moved on, and you can't move on because neither of you have done the work that is required. You just stayed together thinking you could work it out by yourselves. The result is you never got over it, and she never understood how to pay you the respect you deserve. I honestly don't believe she meant you any disrespect by leaving you waiting. I think it was more so just thoughtless of her. The worst part is she minimized your feelings when you expressed them to her. Frankly, I see both your reactions as completely normal among people who don't know how to communicate, which is normal for most couples until such time that requires them to learn how. This is all the more reason for me to suggest marriage counseling because you both will learn better communication skills and the tools for conflict resolution. Neither of you have the skills or the tools to fix your problems yourselves. Most people don't. But, you can't just keep going along relating everything she does to that awful event two years ago. Nothing else is quite that awful, but it will seem so since neither of you dealt with it properly.

My advice is marriage counseling before you make that kind of decision. Make the appointment now but in the meantime, you both can start reading and working to begin the healing process.

The site in the link below is a treasure of marriage building resources.........
Marriagebuilders.com

Here are some of the articles you both should reas..........
What is an Affair?
How to Survive an Affair
What are Plan A and Plan B
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

There are lot of other articles  here and here (down the left side ribbon bar, really good stuff to help your marriage), so take your pick reading, and please do read them. People almost never understand the work that marriage requires. Most of us have our own ideas and think what we do, what we know, and what we want are enough. That's not enough because, as it turns out, we don't know what to do, we don't know everything, and we want too much after giving too little.

Give yourself, your wife, and your marriage a better chance than comparing her thoughtlessness to something awful she did almost two years ago that you never got over. You can get over it. You can learn how, and she can learn to help you. Believe it or not, most people report their marriage is better than ever after an affair. That's because they do the work. You and your wife have to do the work too. If nothing else, you will reach the point of knowing, with all certainty, that you have to end the marriage. That's better than ending it when you really don't want to and are not sure if you should. You will surely find out if you are overreacting or not.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Looser said:


> My wife had an affair about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, I experienced pretty much the same thing everyone else goes through. She never answered any questions I had about it and there are a lot of issues still in my head about the affair.


Forget the whole thing with the weed. How does this happen? She has an affair and never has to answer for it? Before there was even any possibility of being taken back, she should have had to answer for it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should also read the Married Man's Sex Life primer - which isn't a sex book, but is a relationship building book for men.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

You know, I actually think she sees herself as the victim. Last night I told her, like I have for two years, that I made a lot of mistakes and mistreated her in some ways. I have corrected all those mistakes, but I have totally accepted and admitted my responsibility for our marriage problems. Not only that, but I have done my best to change. Ironically, while I was admitting fault and apologizing to her for my behavior, she was having sex with someone else.

The only reasons I ever heard for why she chose the affair were I did not take her to the zoo or Atlantic City. And sometimes when she told me she loved me I rolled my eyes. All true, but it is hard to hear someone say "I love you" when they were out drinking the previous night, and I was woke up by her throwing up in the bathroom when she returned home at 4AM. BTW: this was all before the affair I am aware of. I am absolutely certain she has slept with many, many other men during the course of our 24 year marriage, but of course she refuses to come clean and tell me the truth about that.

I asked her last night if she feels any of our problems were caused by her and she would not answer. I asked her if she was any happier now than she was two years ago and would not answer. 

The affair that I know about started because she posted an advertisement on Craigslist and then went out and met up with the guys and had sex with them. I really don't know how many she had sex with, but only one resulted in long term sex. I know for sure she had sex with at least one other, and possibly as many as 5 others.

The crazy thing is I came home one day and she had her stuff moved out. We had a talk and decided to straighten our marriage out and she did not move out. She posted the Craigslist ad 2 weeks AFTER we decided to work on our marriage. I really wish now that I had just let her leave that day.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I have read about 10 different books about rebuilding marriages and recovering from affairs.

I have asked her over and over to read at least one of them, but she absolutely refuses.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Looser said:


> I am absolutely certain she has slept with many, many other men during the course of our 24 year marriage, but of course she refuses to come clean and tell me the truth about that.
> 
> I asked her last night if she feels any of our problems were caused by her and she would not answer. I asked her if she was any happier now than she was two years ago and would not answer.
> 
> ...


WTF? Why are yous till with this woman? She's ****ing random strangers off Craigslist?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would of left at the cheating. Smoking pot is illegal. If you get pulled over by the police even for a traffic ticket and they find illegal substance, you both get nailed for it! You'd lose your job right there, due to her selfishness.

I personally would check out of the marriage. Your wife is very selfish and cares about herself, not you. You can not change who she is.

My ex h smoked pot and was unfaithful. I left him and 18 years later he's pulling the same crap with his current wife. I remarried and am VERY HAPPY! He remained the same and still is very miserable. It's unbelievable he still puts the blame on me for his miserable life 18-19 years later.

Overreacting... Not at all!!!


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

River1977 said:


> In one scenario..........
> Your wife cheated nearly two years ago. You never got over it, and she didn't help you. How you feel about it is understandable.
> 
> In another scenario..........
> ...


The relationship between the two is the manipulative way she is dealing with this.

The thing that hurt me the most about the affair was the manipulation, the uncertainty it created in my own mind about my own thoughts. Wondering if I was crazy, or irrational, or overreacting. She played on those feeling to keep me off balance. She encouraged those feeling to protect her affair.

Last nights event felt exactly the same. I tell her how I feel, and her reaction is not to apologize or admit any fault, but to twist my head again and put me back into that fog where I question myself.

The two events are unrelated, but the feelings and manipulation are the same. I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated anymore.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Drover said:


> Forget the whole thing with the weed. How does this happen? She has an affair and never has to answer for it? Before there was even any possibility of being taken back, she should have had to answer for it.


This. It doesn't sound like she's committed to making the marriage work and IMO you need to get her into MC again, but this time offer up an ultimatum.. she starts opening up so you both can heal from her actions or you're done. And position yourself to file for divorce. This is a cycle that will not stop until drastic changes are made


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I did tell her last night that monday I am going to set get a appointment with a psychiatrist or something because I need help. She agreed that I should, but she sees no need for her to get any help.

I think all it will do is give me the strength to actually follow through a divorce her. If I go by myself that is the only outcome that I can visualize. To save our marriage we both need to go and we both need to participate.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If she sees no reason to get help, she will never change and continue with her poor choices and continue to disrespect you. She puts herself first before your marriage.

If my husband said I needed MC or IC due to an issue, I'd take him seriously and seek out a good counselor. I'd do anything for our marriage, it's my #1 priority.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like you're just the place to stay while she parties her life away,after all she must be getting up there if you've been married 24 years.She really needs a large wake up call.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, you seem to have a good handle on your feelings about this, you are being authentic. So if its just some affirmation you need: yes, you are not over-reacting, she is unwilling to acknowledge your needs, you are on the right track that you need to enforce some boundaries, however I wouldn't automatically go the divorce route until you have to. Keep testing the genuineness of her remorse, and call her on it where you can.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Its just that it is wearing me down. I'm just so tired of trying so hard, while making so little progress.

This winter she and her friends are going to Jamaica. Hard for me to imagine she wont be partying and having lots of sex. She hates the beach, so I honestly don't know what else she would do there.

Truth is, the only things she actually seems to like to do is party and have sex. I honestly don't think she has any other interests.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why do you want to stay with your wife?

Why do you think your wife wants to stay with you?

You both seem like you don't really like each other.

Did you ask her not to leave you alone in the car, or did you only bring it up later on that you thought she shouldn't have left you alone?

Why do you keep putting up with it?


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Why do you want to stay with your wife?
> 
> Why do you think your wife wants to stay with you?
> 
> ...


1. I honestly don't know anymore. It used to be because I loved her. Now I don't know if I do. I think I might just love the side she allowed me to see. I honestly am not even sure who she is , or if any of our past was even real. It might have all just been manipulation. Its like I have no past because I have no idea if what I remember was real or what she was doing on the side at the time.

2. I don't know why she stays. Best I can figure is because I have a good paying job and I do almost all of the housework. I honestly think my purpose might just be to give her a place to stay. 

3. I am starting to realize that I don't like her. I loved the person she pretended to be long enough to get her way, but it looks like the real person she it, the one deep inside, is somebody I just don't care for at all. Maybe this is why there is no communication. Maybe she knows if I get to know the real person inside her I would dump her without hesitation.

I never really had any option about the car. I got in, she kept walking past, got in their car and shut the door. I almost started the car and left. Of course I didn't, I sat there and waited for her to return like the doormat I am. Like I have sat at home night after night for 24 years wondering what she was doing and when she would come home.

I am pathetic. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be used this way. I have wasted so much of my life away. I just don't know why I cannot walk away. I don't know what is wrong with me.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Looser said:


> You know, I actually think she sees herself as the victim. Last night I told her, like I have for two years, that I made a lot of mistakes and mistreated her in some ways. I have corrected all those mistakes, but I have totally accepted and admitted my responsibility for our marriage problems. Not only that, but I have done my best to change. Ironically, while I was admitting fault and apologizing to her for my behavior, she was having sex with someone else.
> 
> The only reasons I ever heard for why she chose the affair were I did not take her to the zoo or Atlantic City. And sometimes when she told me she loved me I rolled my eyes. All true, but it is hard to hear someone say "I love you" when they were out drinking the previous night, and I was woke up by her throwing up in the bathroom when she returned home at 4AM. BTW: this was all before the affair I am aware of. I am absolutely certain she has slept with many, many other men during the course of our 24 year marriage, but of course she refuses to come clean and tell me the truth about that.
> 
> ...


What? And you're still with her? Why? This can't feel good. She doesn't love or respect you. Why are you staying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

From the sound of your thread, your wife stays with you because of your financial support. Is that what you want to do...support her financially while she gets to party? What do you get? To work for a woman while she pqrties and sleeps around? Have you had STD trsts done? Who knows what she will bring home to you. Does she sleep with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Where is Uptown? I've read enough of his threads to see the possible Bipolar hints in this. I know not everybody is Bipolar but she seams to fit some of the symptoms.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Dude,
> Your wife cheats, gets high and you are okay with this? Time to man up and kick this one to the curb. You are NOT overreacting. You are being a cuckold. End this crap now before the next thing she suggests is a gang bang.


And doesn't invite you to participate.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*"I never really had any option about the car. I got in, she kept walking past, got in their car and shut the door. I almost started the car and left. Of course I didn't, I sat there and waited for her to return like the doormat I am. Like I have sat at home night after night for 24 years wondering what she was doing and when she would come home."*

You could have immediately got out of the car, yelled for her to wait for you so you could talk to her, or walked quickly over to the car she got in and banged on the window for her to talk to you, and then let her know that it was not OK with you for her to leave you alone while she went off with others to get high.

It seems like you avoid confrontation at all costs.

I believe you are correct about why she stays with you - financial support and someone to take care of the house. She needs you more than you need her.

Lay down the law. No more going out and leaving you home alone. No more acting like she's single when she's really married. Throw in whatever specifics you want. Then tell her if she can't meet your conditions and live like a married woman, if she insists on continuing to live like a single woman, then you will end the marriage. Then, if she doesn't do what's necessary for you to want to stay in the marriage, file for divorce. 

TELL HER IT'S ALL OR NOTHING. Don't let her get away with doing one little thing that you ask for, then you saying you see her "starting to improve," make exuses to yourself that she is trying so hard, and so you don't file for divorce. Your situation will never improve if you do that, and you seem like the type that would do it. Don't. If she doesn't do everything you need right away, then file for divorce. You can always stop the process if she agrees to meet your conditions.

You cannot control her, you can only control yourself, what you are willing to accept in a marriage, and what you are not, and how you react to her actions.

You are like a prisoner of war. It sounds like you are living with the enemy. There are no guards, there are no bars, there is no lock keeping you in except for yourself. 24 years is a long time to be in prison. How much longer are you going to stay and live in those conditions?


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> How much longer are you going to stay and live in those conditions?


Probably forever. 

Hell, I was going to ask for a divorce today and never did it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Looser said:


> Hell, I was going to ask for a divorce today and never did it.


You don't ASK you serve her with papers. You tell her to leave.

She's had sex with random men she found off CL. Geesh.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You don't ASK you serve her with papers. You tell her to leave.
> 
> She's had sex with random men she found off CL. Geesh.


Agree. Stop being a loser about this. Do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Looser said:


> Probably forever.
> 
> Hell, I was going to ask for a divorce today and never did it.


BZZZT. Wrong answer. 

As others said, you don't _ask_ her for a divorce. You _serve_ her one, on a silver platter, with a sh!t-eating grin on your face. It let's her know who's in control of their life.

You have the wrong attitude. Just tell yourself this: you deserve nice things. You deserve _good_ things. You do _not_ need to put up with abuse, or neglect. Tell this to yourself in the mirror if you need to, but commit it to memory.

Once you are confident in the fact that you are an awesome man who deserves a non-slattern, non-abusive wife, get theeself to a divorce lawyer, and have your divorce paperwork filed. 

Then, lay it on her. Like a boss.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude your WW is in a fragile marriage and she is going off with the girls. I can see way you are struggling and I wish you weren't and would just let her go now.

If she really wants her marriage she will sell the ticket or bite the cost and do what ever she can to keep the divorce from finalizing.

I hope you understand that when you do file and have her served she will still go off and justify the vaction as a " I'm free trip"

Man I can tell you, your gut is right b/c our chicks are the same(sex sex sex) and after 13 years of her crap and 20 other man I had enough.

The reason why I know this is b/c even though I found the one affair my wife...my fWW also had enough and laid it all out, tooks weeks but I heard it all, every painful detail. 

See my point here is my chick was at that point to face this unhealthy marriage and lay the cards on the table. Your is not and it might take a divorce to get her there...but I have a feeling she will never get it.

I was in your shoes brother and the only way out is the tough love approach. See our chick have gotten away with murder for years and now they just expect us to take it again and again.

Think about it, why change when there are no consequences? Why change when in your mind they are justified...even though we both know it not justified and its damb dangerous life style.

Dude I could go on for ever about the dangerous sh!t my fWW was doing at the end.

As hard as it is, * file* and have her served...brother you will be saving your self and with luck you might be saving her but I don't know.

I mean my wife started at 26 and came out of it at 39. yours may not get it...maybe never at all.

Dont be like me and wait around for 13 years before you stop tolorating this crap.

Thank God I don't have an STD!!! or fWW didn't bring home some pediphal home to my daughter... boy aren't I lucky....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Someone who seeks sex partners on craigslist is by definition a damaged person. It is only one step removed from being a streetwalker. Frankly, streetwalkers get paid and are probably better judges of character and unsafe situations. The point is her behavior is extremely self-destructive.

She either thinks the world revolves around her, or she profoundly hates herself. Either way, she is willing to expose you to STDs and could care less about you risking your job. I am sure these two situations (affair and the pot incident) are just the tip of the iceberg.

I suspect, because her behavior is so extreme and her response to why she slept with boatloads of CL men was 'I don't know' is that she is either NPD or BPD. PM the member Uptown, he has a wealth of knowledge on BPD.

I am so glad you are going in for counseling. I suspect you are co-dependent, which is a fancy way of saying that you put up with her behavior and think that someday she might change.

Tell your counselor how you'd pour your heart out in MC and she had zero, nothing, zilch to say back for hours except I don't know. Yoi cannot fix her. She can only fix herself, and I have read nothing to suggest she wants to. I'm pretty sure she likes herself just the way she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please please please dont think you have to deal with this for ever!!! You dont have to maybe for 13 years but not forever.

Think about bro do want this chick to take care of you 30-40 yrs from now. In your old age do think she will even be around to clean your bed pan or help you to the toliet?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*"I am pathetic. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be used this way. I have wasted so much of my life away. I just don't know why I cannot walk away. I don't know what is wrong with me."*

Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you've been putting your wife's needs ahead of your own for your entire relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if you are this way in your other relationships as well. You need to start putting your own needs on an equal footing with other people's needs. You need to learn how to assert yourself. Maybe counseling could help you. I believe that asserting yourself is a skill that can be learned.

I did not vote in your poll. My first impression was that you are over reacting, because you let it happen. You could have confronted her on it immediately or just driven away. 

You mentioned your wife's infidelity in your initial post, and I think that affected some of the answers you received. But take away the infidelity and the history of poor treatment from your wife, and just isolate that single incident of her leaving you alone while she went off with others to do something she enjoyed, and I think you did overreact. It was rude of her to leave you sitting there. It's up to you to assert yourself and not tolerate that type of treatment.

My recommendation would be to try to get some counseling to help you learn how to assert yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This amazing how this turned into a..."am I over reacting" question to "hay your getting emotional torture" response


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WTF!!! Three ! marks worth of WTF.

Friend, your problems with her go way beyond her getting high in a car last night.

You believe she's basically been cheating for your entire marriage. 

This winter you are paying for her to go to Jamaca on what sounds like a drug, sex, party vacation. And you aren't invited.

So yeah WTF x 3!!!

Do you even have sex with her? Or has she cut you off?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey did some one hit the wrong button in the poll or is there one person that really thinks he was over reacting?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> Hey did some one hit the wrong button in the poll or is there one person that really thinks he was over reacting?


That's right. And now that this has turned into a trawling CL thread (she just randomly stopped?), I bet that person wishes they could make it 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I've learned that if I'm mad or he's mad..we both learned actually that if something bothers us it is best to say something because many years of both of us holding back from conflict made our marriage a disaster with resentment...Since my EA as hard as it gets we both know we must confront issues big or small..so my answer is no you did not over react, you were just honest with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Sex has always been an issue for us. She has complained since the day we got married that I don't give her enough sex. That has always made me feel inadequate. We probably have sex on average twice a week, but she would still complain about not enough all the time.

And yes, the weed thing would not have been such a big deal if our marriage was a strong one. It really is not a turning point, it is just another of thousands of things that has strained our relationship. My main issue with the weed thing was just my reaction to it. Every time I bring something to her attention that is making me unhappy or upset her response is to tell me I am being unreasonable or controlling. She has done this to me my entire life, and for most of my life she has succeeded in convincing me that I was being unreasonable. I just could not see her for the manipulator that she is, but in that respect I am getting much better. It has been a while since she manipulated me in this way, and I was doubting myself again so that is why I posted this up here, to see if she was trying to manipulate me again.

One good thing that has come out of this is she sees that she is not going to be able to control me in that way any more.



> It sounds like you've been putting your wife's needs ahead of your own for your entire relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if you are this way in your other relationships as well. You need to start putting your own needs on an equal footing with other people's needs. You need to learn how to assert yourself. Maybe counseling could help you. I believe that asserting yourself is a skill that can be learned.


That is 100% on the mark. This inability to assert myself has caused tremendous problems in other aspects of my life as well. Particularly in my work life. I have been working for the last year or so to improve myself in that regard, and I am making progress. It has been extremely hard for me to assert myself more due to my self esteem issues, but I am getting better. I find that the more I do it the easier it is becoming.

This whole thread ended up getting way more involved than I intended. Thank you everybody for your replies, I really appreciate your opinions. Sometimes I just feel so abandoned and alone in my thoughts because I really have nobody to talk to. I have not shared one bit of any of this with any of my friends because my goal has always been reconciliation and I know if my friends knew all these things there is no way in the world they could ever accept me staying married to her.

Once again she has the upper hand on me because all her friends and coworkers know all about much of this. I am sure they know a lot of things I don't know. Hell, I am sure some of them are people she has slept with. That is what makes being with her and her friends so difficult for me - I am constantly wondering which, if any, of them she has had sex with.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Looser said:


> Once again she has the upper hand on me because all her friends and coworkers know all about much of this. I am sure they know a lot of things I don't know. Hell, I am sure some of them are people she has slept with. That is what makes being with her and her friends so difficult for me - I am constantly wondering which, if any, of them she has had sex with.


My friend, this is not the way to live your life. Our days are limited so why waste it living in misery with an ungrateful one? Detach yourself from her and find a better woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Looser said:


> Its just that it is wearing me down. I'm just so tired of trying so hard, while making so little progress.
> 
> This winter she and her friends are going to Jamaica. Hard for me to imagine she wont be partying and having lots of sex. She hates the beach, so I honestly don't know what else she would do there.
> 
> Truth is, the only things she actually seems to like to do is party and have sex. I honestly don't think she has any other interests.


WTH?

Why would you not be going with her. NFW dude.

This is absurd.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm not going to vote in your poll. It could be that you're overreacting, or it could be that you simply used bad judgment and so did she. 

I find it interesting that you connected a single event of her getting high and briefly abandoning you with the past affair. You're clearly not over that yet, and you saw this as an example of untrustworthiness on her part. It's up to you to figure out whether it really was a sign of her being intentionally disrespectful or not.

What prevented you from saying, "Hon, I'd rather you not leave me sitting here while you go do that" BEFORE she went or as she was going? By waiting and stewing on it, you did set the stage for an argument. 

After an affair, it can take a long time to recover, and before healing can finally be permanent, there has to be change. The person who was cheated has to be able to feel safe again and to trust their partner. This can be tricky because even if the partner has learned their lesson, there will be occasional moments of thoughtlessness or anger that can make the cheated person doubt their safety. 

You have to decide for yourself if disrespect/abandonment are ongoing behaviors that reveal her attitude toward you or if this is a "one off" incident. Your later posts seem to indicate that she's generally dismissive of you, but also that you don't put your foot down. Do you have a plan for learning how to assert yourself and still be respectful? (BTW, when she says you are being controlling, you probably are, but at the same time, she must be willing to accept your influence in order for your marriage to work well.)


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I just wanna say..I really did think and feel hubby was trying to control me whenever hae had a complaint about me..now through counseling I am learning to listen to him better, it did become a cycle of resentment and I don't want that kind of marriage anymore soo as hard as it is to take criticism I'm learning, oh it suchs having to own up to my own faults and it was so much easier to put all the blame on him but it's not right and it's not fair. I used to say "well this is who I am and if you don't like who I am then why be with me?" also " you're trying to change me into someone I'm not" it's crazy but now we are both trying to focus on changing ourselves to make eachother happy and it's working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

It seems to me that the incident with pot want really related, you just never got over the affair. Her not answering all your questions made that impossible. Yes, she's reallly Fffed up for soliciting on CL and being manipulative. You're alsp Ffed up for avoiding confrontation for 24 yrs.
At first, I thougth you might be younger, partying and somking etc. something she might grow out of. But knowing you're both 40+, sheesh! Either recognize that together you will be miserable and nothing will change OR take a chance on splitting up. You might be just as miserable having to confront people and be single, but there's SOME chance you can really improve your life.

PS that first MC was total BS for that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Once you start commanding respect you get respect.

When my oldest got to that age and strated talking back i but a stop to that immediatly. Imean I let her have her say but then it was my turn. she didn't want to her it but as she continued she got the same response with additional consequences.

Its not just the kids, guys at work, the dog, the sh!tty nieghbor, folks in general need to see what you will tolorate and what you won't.

The thing about the spouse is we try more to pleae them and then they figure out what they can get away with and then years go by and any respect they have for you is gone.

So I'm not saying its to late but a change can be made for your self and its up to your spouse to stick around or hit the door. If my chcik cant respect me then its not worth the pain....thats the new me..

BTW she seem to like the new me.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> What prevented you from saying, "Hon, I'd rather you not leave me sitting here while you go do that" BEFORE she went or as she was going? By waiting and stewing on it, you did set the stage for an argument.


I never had that option. 

I got in our car. As she was getting in our car she stopped, shut the door, then ran to the other car. I figured she was just going to tell them something or give them something, but as soon as she got to the car she jumped in. Tinted windows so I could not see inside. I told her yesterday if she would have said "I am going to go get in their car and smoke some weed" I would have told her then I would rather she did not go do that and leave me alone.

After she had been in the car for a while and I began suspecting something was up I could have gone over to the car and pounded on the window and seen what they were doing and then told her I wanted her to stop, but it is pretty hard for me to imagine that would have prevented an argument. What it would have done was cause a huge, public argument in the parking lot of a place I frequent often.

I did come very close a few times to leaving without her.

As far as the control issues go, my problem has not been that I was too controlling, my problem is that I have not been controlling enough. I will never forget the first time she was gone until morning. It was about 18 years ago. She had to work until midnight. She came home at 8AM. I sat up all night worried sick if she was OK. When she came home I asked where she was and she said "Perkins". Once I found out she was OK I should have thrown her out of the house and told her to never come back.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Do it now. Give her the boot. 

That's the beauty of it all - you don't need to put up with _any_ of this.

All you need is a bit of fortitude. Just a touch of courage, and you'll be free from your succubus wife forever. *Take a stand*.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey that was then this is now. Now is the time to protect your marriage and it is up to your chick to except this protection. 

You can't control her so don't try she can do what she wants, its up to you to show her you won't tolorate the disrepscet by giving her the cosequences by asking her to leave and help her pack. she needs to see that it is for good. not for the night so she can have her fun.

Dude once they get your number and figure out what they can get away with b/c they know you want leave them they get away with murder.

This weed thing is over ...... now is the time to get away and look at your self. I bet she wouldn't miss you a pit, infact it would be fun time for her.
Getting away for a few days to clear your head and get away from the manipulation will do you some good to see if you really want to keep this women.

I know you want to keep here...hell she knows you want to keep her thats why she continues to behave this way.

I mean you can either scare her straight or you can scare her off. but one way or another you need to start commanding respect for yourself.

I hinesite, I too gave up way to much control....I mean protection for the marriage and look what happened to me....13 yrs of hell. I hope with the new me the next 13 yrs will be all worth it.

Right now I can see my chick wiping my butt when I'm a 100, but since she smokes I think maybe it well be me wiping her butt and rolling her joints on her death bed. maybe this answers alot of questions in why she choose to work on the marriage....who knows.

sorry for the long reply


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What I don't get are posters calling it just one affair and in the past, when OP makes it clear he believes she has slept with multiple men, and he admits they could be from CL as well as pals etc. Why does anyone believe this stuff is over? She just woke up one day and stopped? I find that hard to accept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> What I don't get are posters calling it just one affair and in the past, when OP makes it clear he believes she has slept with multiple men, and he admits they could be from CL as well as pals etc. Why does anyone believe this stuff is over? She just woke up one day and stopped? I find that hard to accept.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It is hard for me to accept as well. I really don't know when the craigslist guy thing ended. I know she made several attempts to end it, but ended it getting with him again.

The best I can figure is the last time she had sex with him was in October 2010 and the best guess for last contact would be December 2010. These are just guesses. It is possible they had contact as late as March of 2011, but I just don't know. It is possible she is banging him now, but it seems unlikely. 

She refuses to answer any questions about the affair. She has refused over and over. I have told her over and over I need these answers to heal and she keeps saying she cant see how that can make things any better. I have told her over and over that it feels like she is still keeping secrets from me. I only know the things I know because I found a secret email account she has. She does not know I have access to it, but there is no doubt in my mind our marriage would be over and I would be completely mental if I had not got that info.

So how do I know when it is over? How do I know it won't happen again? She still has not come clean on the past, what are the chances she will come clean in the future?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow not a good relationship, not a good reconcile, she needs to talk to you and tell you all that happened, you two need MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Looser said:


> It is hard for me to accept as well. I really don't know when the craigslist guy thing ended. I know she made several attempts to end it, but ended it getting with him again.
> 
> The best I can figure is the last time she had sex with him was in October 2010 and the best guess for last contact would be December 2010. These are just guesses. It is possible they had contact as late as March of 2011, but I just don't know. It is possible she is banging him now, but it seems unlikely.
> 
> ...


Zero. There is _no_ chance that she will _ever_ come clean. She sounds like the type of woman that will take this to her grave. Do not expect remorse. Do not expect an apology. She will never give you the closure you want so desperately. The fear of divorce might loosen her tongue, but even that is a long shot.

No. Dust yourself off, spare your pride, and move forward with your life. 

I don't know what else you want to hear, but you know _more_ than enough about her and her attitude to divorce her. Why even _consider_ reconcile?

I don't understand.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> What I don't get are posters calling it just one affair and in the past, when OP makes it clear he believes she has slept with multiple men, and he admits they could be from CL as well as pals etc. Why does anyone believe this stuff is over? She just woke up one day and stopped? I find that hard to accept.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her total life style and behavior appears like one unfaithful act after another. The car incident was her acting out and being unfaithful for example.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

The connection between the car incident and her past affairs is that the car incident was just one further example of her continuing to disrespect you and not care about your feelings. Although the car incident was bad enough on its own as an isolated situation, enough to make anyone angry, when added to her past disrespect of you, it just triggered your hurt further.

Personally, I would find this situation intolerable and I could never live like this. Your wife has no intention of changing her ways. It just makes me sad that a person like you (who is capable of loving deeply and genuinely) doesn't seem to think he is worthy of being in a healthy and loving relationship. I was chatting with my husband this morning on the topic of fidelity, and he was telling me that he would rather die before he would cheat on me. It sounds like your wife has no respect or love for herself, and thus has no love or respect to offer you either. I'd rather be alone than living with an unfaithful spouse, not to mention a spouse that feels no remorse for hurting her own husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Looser said:


> I did tell her last night that monday I am going to set get a appointment with a psychiatrist or something because I need help. She agreed that I should, but she sees no need for her to get any help.
> 
> I think all it will do is give me the strength to actually follow through a divorce her. If I go by myself that is the only outcome that I can visualize. To save our marriage we both need to go and we both need to participate.


You don't need a psychiatrist, brother. You need a lawyer.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just read your thread. Unlike most posting in this thread, I'm married do a great woman, and we have not experienced any issues with infidelity of any kind. Although I haven't "been there", maybe I can still try to help out if I may.

Your wife does not love you. Without love, a marriage is nothing more than a chain to bind you to a millstone. Spouses are supposed to love each other strongly enough that their primary goal is to want to see their partner happy. Spouses should be best friends who will be there for each other no matter what is going on in their lives. Spouses should love each other enough to want to spend as much time together as possible, yet also recognizing the fact that alone time or time away from friends is important too. Love means that you are looking out for your spouse to keep him/her away from destructive behavior - even when they themselves can't see what damage they are causing each other. There are many more things to write; however, the bottom line is that your wife has none of these feelings for you. Based on what you wrote, you know the only clear option you have is to divorce this toxic creature from your life and start a new, happy life for yourself.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

heck no! leave man its for your own mental health


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Without consequences there can be no reconciliation. It just doesn't work. YOU have not made her face any consequences. If you file for divorce there is a chance that she will see the light and allow you to set boundaries (like not going to Jamaica without you). There is also a chance that she'll just go ahead with the divorce. In either case you'll be better off than you are now.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Well, so far I have not started divorce proceedings.

Tuesday I go to my first meeting with a new councilor. I have think this time instead of going to find out how to fix my marriage I am going to try to get the strength to go ahead with the divorce.

Thing is, I know I still love my wife, but I really don't understand why. On one hand I can see that she really is doing me no good, but on the other hand I just can't seem to break it off.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

it tough bro, keep moving forward with the D and the counsellor will help through the emotional pain.

You can hope for the best but prepare for the worst, so file, get her served and see if she can turn the corner to keep her marriage. If she does then great you can withdraw the D. But if she continues to distance her self from the issue at hand then keep the D moving forward.

If this drastic consequences does not make her think twice in whats she is about to loose then nothing will and she id gone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just start the process. Tell her that you are starting the divorce process if she cannot tell the truth(even then..). Also what makes you certain that her affairs stopped. Talk to your counselor about co-dependency


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When you put someone on a pedestal, make them the center of your life blindly it'll be quite hard to get over them. Find new friends, hobbies, etc. and start spending more time taking care of yourself, that should speed up the process.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Let us know how counseling goes. I'm particularly curious about what your counselor has to say about your intense love for someone who seems to hurt you on a regular basis.

Of course, the first counseling session is mostly you giving background, it takes several weeks before you start to get to the heart of the issues and gain some good insight. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First you say this:


Looser said:


> One good thing that has come out of this is she sees that she is not going to be able to control me in that way any more.


Then you say this in the very same thread:


Looser said:


> Once again she has the upper hand on me because all her friends and coworkers know all about much of this. I am sure they know a lot of things I don't know. Hell, I am sure some of them are people she has slept with. That is what makes being with her and her friends so difficult for me - I am constantly wondering which, if any, of them she has had sex with.


 You do see the irony right? If not, let me explain. By her having the upper hand in the way that you described she is in fact still controlling you.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Yes, I do see the irony.

I know my problem, I just don't know how to fix it. Maybe the counselor will help me. 

Tomorrow is the big day!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

hopefully your counseler will tell you to get your head outta the sand.


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## dblackberry (Jul 24, 2012)

Sorry brother , you need to run away. She will mae u crazy until one day you go to jail for Domestic violence. then it is impossible to solve the rest. LET HER GO. regardless what she does wrong she will be the alwyas the victim in the front of law


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Looser said:


> I know my problem, I just don't know how to fix it. Maybe the counselor will help me.


 Not all marriages can be fixed, nor should they. There is nothing that a counselor can do for your marraige and you know it. The Counselor has probably told you the same thing but you refuse to listen. Your wife wife does not respect you at all. Without respect there can be no love and there can be no true marraige.

Not only does your wife not respect you, but she encourages her friends and coworkers not to respect you. That fact that you stated in a previous post that "Once again she has the upper hand on me because all her friends and coworkers know all about much of this. I am sure they know a lot of things I don't know. Hell, I am sure some of them are people she has slept with. That is what makes being with her and her friends so difficult for me - I am constantly wondering which, if any, of them she has had sex with." says it all. The reason that you find it "so difficult" to be around them is you know that they are laughing at you. 

Wow, that is a sick way to live your marraige. No one should have to live like this. Your spouse is suppose to have your back and suppose to put you first. If you want any chance at happiness you need to divorce her and not look back. At this point your refusal to accept that your marriage is dead, is like Norman Bates in Psycho refusing to accept that his mother was dead. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Stop complaining and start doing. Waiting for a counselor appointment is just another way for you to put off doing what needs to be done. Man up and just divorce her already. If you read my other posts you will see that I do not often call for divorce, but your case is so clear cut that I cannot help it. Your wife is one of the worst spouses that I have ever read about on this forum.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think he said his first counseling appointment is tomorrow, and it's actually for individual counseling (as opposed to MC). More power to him for getting in to see a therapist for himself that quickly, if only more people would do the same.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Well, so far so good. I think things went well today.

Mostly just some background talk, but the word codependency was mentioned. I'm still not sure what that exactly means, but I am going to go once a week and we will see what happens.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Codependency means you don't have to tolorate sitting in your car while your wife smokes weed in another car with some guys...especially with a fragila marriage she already has.

You diserve good thing brother, the next few weeks you will see it alot more clearly.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Listen. I had an ex who also did drugs. In the house with her friends. She sold too. She disrespectrd mr n was seeing her ex too. When he was moving back into town she dumped me. I was devastated. Today im so glad she did. 
You need to get out. When people smoke weed, dont tell me of it being a natural herb, so ill rephrase....when drug addicts are high they can do anything. Now combine that with some beer or whatever she drinks and sge can be sleeping around. Catch hiv n bring it to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I think she is mad I am getting IC.

When I came home at 5:30 she was already in bed. She came downstairs about 7, but basically would not talk to me. I asked her why she was upset, and as usual she said "no reason".

I cooked us all dinner and then went to bed about 10. Asked her again what was wrong and the same silence. At least now that **** does not bother me like it used to. That used to drive me crazy trying to figure out what was going on.

Eventually she told me she thinks she can never make me happy. I think it is just another line of ****. I really ask very, very little of her. If she cannot give me the little bit that I am asking of her she obviously does not love me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's picked up on you getting more spine and she is trying to through outthe poor me card, if you loved me you wouldn't change card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What aren't you going to Jamaica with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I don't have enough vacation time. It is my choice not to go. I am invited.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You expect her to cheat while down there? Can you take unpaid time and go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I don't know what she will do down there.

Unpaid time off plus a trip to Jamaica - not hardly!


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Looser said:


> I think she is mad I am getting IC.
> 
> When I came home at 5:30 she was already in bed. She came downstairs about 7, but basically would not talk to me. I asked her why she was upset, and as usual she said "no reason".
> 
> ...


Well... she's not wrong. She _can't_ make you happy. No one can. You, and you alone, hold the key to your happiness. This generally entails living life how _you_ want to live. Doing the things that _you_ want to do. Knowing how to go with the flow, and knowing when to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries. 

Your happiness is not _her_ problem - it's yours. I'm not surprised, then, that your IC brought-up codependency. You depend on your partner for the emotional gratification that you should really be providing for yourself.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I highly, _highly_ recommend that you do. It will help you tremendously with your IC, your codependency, and with dealing with your wife.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Well... she's not wrong. She _can't_ make you happy. No one can. You, and you alone, hold the key to your happiness. This generally entails living life how _you_ want to live. Doing the things that _you_ want to do. Knowing how to go with the flow, and knowing when to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries.
> 
> Your happiness is not _her_ problem - it's yours.


Guess what? That is almost exactly what I told her when she said that!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Where is the money coming from for this trip to Jamaica again?


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

She has her own account that her paycheck gets direct deposited to.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm glad you're in IC. Thanks for updating us.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Anyway, tonight we went out to dinner with two guys and a girl she works with. After dinner, in the parking lot, she left me alone in our car and got in a car with the others to smoke weed. Due to my job, I absolutely cannot participate in that.


No, you're certainly not over-reacting.

Also, if due to your job you cannot participate in smoking weed, why the heck is she doing it? If she gets caught, as your wife, it will affect you too!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you going to let her go to Jamaica or do something before that?


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

I will let her go to Jamaica. One of my greatest pleasures in life are when I get to go out on my motorcycle by myself for a week. I could not tell her she cannot do what I am unwilling to give up.

I did have a surprise last night. She bought Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. 

I have already read 7 principles, but not 7 conversations. She started reading 7 conversations last night, so I got a copy myself so I could read it. I have been trying to get her to read something for a year and a half with no success.


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## sharon75 (Jul 26, 2012)

Looser said:


> I am going to try to keep this short and sweet.
> 
> My wife had an affair about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, I experienced pretty much the same thing everyone else goes through. She never answered any questions I had about it and there are a lot of issues still in my head about the affair.
> 
> ...


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## sharon75 (Jul 26, 2012)

Leave her she has no respect for you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Looser said:


> I will let her go to Jamaica. One of my greatest pleasures in life are when I get to go out on my motorcycle by myself for a week. I could not tell her she cannot do what I am unwilling to give up.
> 
> I did have a surprise last night. She bought Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.
> 
> I have already read 7 principles, but not 7 conversations. She started reading 7 conversations last night, so I got a copy myself so I could read it. I have been trying to get her to read something for a year and a half with no success.


Didn't see that one coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

She sounds greatly like a manipulator. You deserve much better. I couldn't exactly blame you if you ditched her!


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