# Ask Husbands Directly: Why You Put Your Wives In The Back Burner?



## MsLonely

Many wives asked this questions but mostly they got answers from women. In the end, they still don't know why they're placed in the back burner by their husbands.

So I would love to ask husbands directly. WHY? 

Please also tell us what would make you put your wife in the front burner.

For my own example, my husband would put my interests in the back burner when I constantly nagged at him or just get mad with him, because he thought he's in troubles and nothing for him to rescue anyway, so never mind putting me in the back burner. I would get even more angry with him.

To avoid being placed in the back burner, I learnt how to whine in a way he likes without hurting his ego, so he's been putting me in the front burner for a long while already. (2 years)

I don't mean my whining strategy works for every husband. So I'd love to hear from husbands. 

What made you put your wife in the back burner, and what made you put your wife before everything?


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## Chris Taylor

I think that it's the fault of both people in a relationship.

there's probably something he did that you didn't like. You (subconsciously) did something in return. He picked up on that and here we go into the downward spiral. Childish? Yes. Normal? Unfortunately, yes.

Clear communication between people in a relationship is the key. My wife and I make it clear what we need and want in the relationship. As we try to provide these to the other, the other brings their partner up to the front burner.


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## Rob774

Define back burner, i mean i know what that term means, but describe how a wife feels to make her suggest she's on the back burner? I know prior to us having kids, my gf/fiance/wife was at the top of my priority. I'd pick her up from work, i was the one to get a 2nd job when we needed things, so i did all the things to make her life easier. 

3 kids later she still gets my attention, probably not as much as i'd like to give her though because we just don't have enough "us" time.


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## mem2010

I'm sorry if this is not the write place to post but for me....."back burner" equates to my husband not loving me with ALL he has. Or maybe he is loving me with ALL he has and has no more to give? He once told me that sometimes you can be hurt so deep that a part of your heart dies. (married 30 years with hurts on both sides) I think he feels that I'm asking too much of him. I'm the kind of person that if I detect the slightest reservation from you concerning me, I will pull way back. So after me getting hurt and pulling back, and him eventually asking "what's wrong", me saying "nothing" but eventually telling him that I need more from him, that I need daily reassurance of his love, we talk, I feel better. But then the whole cycle starts over again, and again, and again with him essentially staying the same. It's like a broken record. He is a very good man and good father and this is my only complaint. The last time we "talked" I told him that if I felt that "reservation" from him again making me feel insecure about his feelings for me, that I wasn't going to try and "talk" anymore. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and since he obviously doesn't desire the same closeness that I do, I am going to assume that he is only willing to put only "so" much effort into our marriage, into having that close relationship I'm staving for. To me, when a wife is "quiet and withdrawn" and says "nothing is wrong" when asked, and the husband "leaves it at that", I take that to mean that you don't care enough to "work" at the obvious problem to try and fix it. And so I have decided that since the problem is mine that I have to find a way to fill the void. I told him that the only way I know to do that is to completely throw myself into something else, like a hobby or start a part time business, just something to take my mind off of constantly wondering why he doesn't care more. So I am presently at the point where I'm trying to avoid him (out of sight out of mind) so I don't dwell on it because it hurts so much. I'm hoping that I can find "something" that I love to do and fill the void with that and hopefully then, I can stop avoiding him and be content in my marriage and open myself back up to him and we will both be happy and content. I wish I was the kind of person who could just accept the lack of closeness and not take it so personal but for me it seems to be all or nothing. At least until I can find a way to fill this painful void.


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## Kobo

Probably for the same reason wives put husbands on the back burner for the kids. I wouldn't doubt that at some point in most marriages that the man puts his career/business on the top of his priority list. He focuses on his expected role in the marriage rather than the marriage. He figures if he's a good provider that everything else will fall into place. I feel that you can always get out of that rut. I did. I decided that I wanted a great and loving relationship. It came after I sat back and realized that I had married "my girl". The other stuff in life is just BS.


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## Conrad

If you do well at work, you get positive feedback.


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## F-102

If you don't tell a guy there's a problem, he'll move on to the "next" problem, and put you on the back burner. If a man assumes everything is okay, he won't put a lot of energy into it, he figures that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
But, that is a two edged sword-if you talk to your H about a problem, like most men, he thinks you're coming to him for help, and he tries to fix things. He does not have the instinct that women have just to listen and empathize. I've seen it plugged here before, and I'll do it myself: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
You may find that he's not being a jerk, he's just being a man.


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## MsLonely

F-102 said:


> If you don't tell a guy there's a problem, he'll move on to the "next" problem, and put you on the back burner. If a man assumes everything is okay, he won't put a lot of energy into it, he figures that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> But, that is a two edged sword-if you talk to your H about a problem, like most men, he thinks you're coming to him for help, and he tries to fix things. He does not have the instinct that women have just to listen and empathize. I've seen it plugged here before, and I'll do it myself: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
> You may find that he's not being a jerk, he's just being a man.


:iagree: Thanks for explaining the fog.


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## less_disgruntled

F-102 said:


> If you don't tell a guy there's a problem, he'll move on to the "next" problem, and put you on the back burner. If a man assumes everything is okay, he won't put a lot of energy into it, he figures that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> But, that is a two edged sword-if you talk to your H about a problem, like most men, he thinks you're coming to him for help, and he tries to fix things. He does not have the instinct that women have just to listen and empathize. I've seen it plugged here before, and I'll do it myself: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
> You may find that he's not being a jerk, he's just being a man.


Mostly agree. I still really can't tell if my wife wants me to work on my own negative traits, or to separate, or to empathize with her and understand that she is deeply mad at me. I can't tell if I'm supposed to "just listen" to her or to help her with something. I'm afraid to "try" to make up with her b/c then it feels like she's 1. going to reject me 2. going to see me as weak. I'm also reluctant to "listen" to my wife because she utterly, completely refuses to extend me any emotional support, and she really hasn't since we started dating. At the same time the things I do need to work on, like some of my personal skills etc., she 1. refuses to believe I'm trying 2. makes unreasonable demands (e.g., her friends and family are allowed to be opinionated and loud-mouthed, I am not) 3. I'm being "weak" if I try to be a better human.

But when I start working on projects and tasks, I at least know that my efforts aren't going to be ground up into some incomprehensible and to be honest completely unfair transactional-analysis nightmare.


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## savevsdeath

F-102 said:


> If you don't tell a guy there's a problem, he'll move on to the "next" problem, and put you on the back burner. If a man assumes everything is okay, he won't put a lot of energy into it, he figures that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> But, that is a two edged sword-if you talk to your H about a problem, like most men, he thinks you're coming to him for help, and he tries to fix things. He does not have the instinct that women have just to listen and empathize. I've seen it plugged here before, and I'll do it myself: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
> You may find that he's not being a jerk, he's just being a man.


This. Exactly this.


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## friendly

less_disgruntled said:


> Mostly agree. I still really can't tell if my wife wants me to work on my own negative traits, or to separate, or to empathize with her and understand that she is deeply mad at me. I can't tell if I'm supposed to "just listen" to her or to help her with something. I'm afraid to "try" to make up with her b/c then it feels like she's 1. going to reject me 2. going to see me as weak. I'm also reluctant to "listen" to my wife because she utterly, completely refuses to extend me any emotional support, and she really hasn't since we started dating. At the same time the things I do need to work on, like some of my personal skills etc., she 1. refuses to believe I'm trying 2. makes unreasonable demands (e.g., her friends and family are allowed to be opinionated and loud-mouthed, I am not) 3. I'm being "weak" if I try to be a better human.
> 
> But when I start working on projects and tasks, I at least know that my efforts aren't going to be ground up into some incomprehensible and to be honest completely unfair transactional-analysis nightmare.


:lol: You're obviously not the leader at home.


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## CLucas976

quite deep and detailed, I got put on the back burner for one reason.

Bros before Hoes.

I just didn't get to find that out until after the marriage papers were signed.


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## dontwanttoloseher

To answer your question: because other wise you women treat us like garbage

I started out being all about me when we first got married but after having children it was and has been all about my wife and family.
The result, I was treating like sh.. the last few months more so, since she was all I had, friend wise as she was not only the most important and on the 'front burner' but the only burner on, besides the kids.

Now after our huge blowout last week, I am on the front burner again, then the kids, then her and she has been treating my tons better.


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## Dedicated2Her

I can't fully answer that. I put my wife on the back burner for a long time. Life just gets in the way. For me, it was just not understanding how I was hurting her. Now I completely get it. She finally spilled everything out as she was telling me that she had become completely disconnected from me. If things continued, she was going to have to see a lawyer. I have since taken over a ton of duties at night with the children while she goes out to meet friends and different things. It has taught me how she feels when I don't show up on time. How she feels when I don't communicate where I am. It has been eye opening and has humbled me completely. Life will not get in the way again.


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## silverfox

if I had to say one thing that crushs a man is that some women don't understand that showing respect to your husband is number 1 thing. If a women shows respect a women will get the love she wants. Sometimes it is difficult but one without the other, it will not happen.

A man wants simple approval that he is doing a good job. That is why some men are workaholics. They get this support from their coworkers or jobs. Men are task oriented and we focus on mainly one thing at a time. Men do want their wifes to be happy believe me.There is nothing more than having a happy wife.

Women are more feeling oriented and that is why most men don't understand why a woman waants to talk when a man gets home. She needs to talk, she is not always complaining it is how she is programed. The woman may not need anything fixed just sit down and listen. But the task minded individuals we are we are processing and already have a solution to your problem, not. That is where we need to do better.

Women worry more than men, that is why we say don't worry about it. But you all can't not worry.That hurts feeling when we say that but we dont mean to. We can turn things on and off easier that is the way we are. The problems that most all couples have is not the problems themselves it is how to handle the stress. if you can manage the stress ,you can work the problem out or agree to disagree.

I could go on and on here but the best thing i could tell anyone to do is read John Gray's books on Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. And why does Venus and Mars collide. After you understand how we think and how we are programed from brains to hormone you will not take things so personal and it will be easier to see it coming before it arrives. 19 years and I wished i would have read them sooner. The best money you will ever spend.


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## southbound

As a man whose wife has asked for a divorce, I don't think we always realize we are putting them on the back burner, especially after several years of marriage. I think men and women are so different that we have different needs. In the beginning, sure, we would walk 40 miles in a blizzard just to get her a magazine if she really wanted it, but then real life emerges and, although we still love them very much, a bit of that eases off and we look at other things. Here are some of the things I did in our 18 years of marriage that I thought showed I loved and cared for my wife:
- I helped provide and eventually built the house she wanted 
-I would say 90% of the house was how she wanted it; colors, etc.
- I helped cook supper
- I helped with housework
- I was the sole laundry person
- I wasn't gone all the time golfing or whatever other guys do
- I totally got the kids ready in the mornings before work(diaper changes, feeding, etc) because she left before I did and didn't have as much time. 
- I never tried to boss her around; I don't think I ever told her she couldn't do something.
- We had enough money that we were financially in good shape
- She enjoyed me taking her shoes off. I massaged her feet and painted her toenails while we would watch tv on occassion.
- I always complimented her looks.
- I told her I loved her every day. 

However, after 18 years of marriage, she told me she wants a divorce because:
- I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything anymore
- I never did anything to make her feel special except on her birthday
- we didn't communicate
I don't want to make her part seem too simple; there are many examples, but those are the big categories. So, in her eyes, I had her on the back burner, whereas I thought she was on the front burner. This has been a great puzzle to me.


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