# Feelings on a spouse's past experience?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Having read one of the threads on here about a husband's feelings of his wife's sex life before him, I have been thinking a lot about this subject, albeit not with the religious framing, plus various comments I have read on here.

How do guys feel about their wife having had a sex life prior to meeting them? Does anyone have strong feelings about marrying someone who is, say, a virgin, or has had relatively few sexual experiences before meeting her? Do guys feel past sexual encounters for her might be, say, telling in how she might behave in the future? Would you simply not want a woman who has "put it about"? Why?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I have learned to say when asked about my past "Why do you want to know and are you SURE you want to know". I was a bit free thinking in my youth, and I don't regret or have shame for it. I had fun, that's what youth is for HAHA. If I DO tell, I make sure that I explain that over the years I have changed and grown and that past is past. If they show any problem, well, expereince now tells me RUN LIKE HELL!! 

MIght just be because of how I am. I am not a jealous person by nature at all, and I don't care much about past outside of how it may hurt me directly. There are sometimes questions about how far past someone's past is.... but really I don't care much about it. If guy gets weird with me, I just mirror him to see how he likes it HAHA


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Context is everything.

If you are being asked about your past at a period in your relationship where sex is rare ... it's pretty much a lock that the question is being asked in regard to why you are no longer 'putting out'. If my partner and I are no longer having sex, and I know she used to be a wildcat then I'm going to interpret that as we have a serious problem.

If your spouse is far less experienced than you, then once again, it's probably about confidence and ego.

I didn't get married until my thirties. I distinctly did not want a virgin. I wanted somebody that knew their way around the infield and could hit it out of the park.

I do not find sexual timidity exciting or alluring in any way.

If you know how to drive your partner over the moon, and as a result they question "where'd you learn that?" suspiciously, they have the issue.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't think I care much about the physical part, I do care about the emotional part. 

I don't care how many women he had, but I do care if he was seriously involved with any women. 

My ex was seriously involved with a woman, that woman hindered our relationship. I was not the woman he loved the most. I was only a woman for him to heal his pain. 

My husband was never involved in a serious relationship with any women before. I was his first girl friend. He had sex with prostitutes, not a big deal for me. I would rather him having sex with prostitutes or Internet one night stand, I don't care how many women he had. 

No men cared about my past. 

After I turned 30, men were fighting for me!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Interesting viewpoints.

I'm asking partly due to a comment my OH made last night. We were talking about previous partners, he said the number of partners I'd had in the past is "hard for a guy to stomach." Not hard for HIM but for a guy. I took that to mean he assumes guys wouldn't like a girl to have had many previous partners, almost like there is a magical number that is ok but anything over that is woah!

He hasn't had as many partners, it's never really been an issue between us and isn't now, but he's said previously he thinks he'd have liked to have had more experience when he was younger.

I suppose I was interested in how guys view this, whether it's something a guy would consciously want to know before taking any decisions over a relationship maybe, or not bothered? Deejo what you say is interesting but does it always correlate? I mean can you tell if a woman's had a lot of experience without her (verbally!) saying so? Just because someone's had experience, it doesn't necessarily follow that they're "good" does it? Or someone might not have had many previous partners but be very skilled from what they HAVE learned?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Maturity/age plays a large part in this matter.

When I was younger, I was very jealous of a womans prior lovers.
I suppose I wanted to be the best lover.

Now I am in my 40's, so of course a woman is likely to have had sex quite a few times.....probably with a husband or two.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

bluesky said:


> Maturity/age plays a large part in this matter.
> 
> When I was younger, I was very jealous of a womans prior lovers.
> I suppose I wanted to be the best lover.
> ...


:lol:

Mind you, even chaps in their 40s and 50s can have issues of whatever kind with their partners' pasts (yes sure it could be related to problems within the relationship) but maturity doesn't always smooth the tetchy edges of sexual jealousy


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The subject of number of partners is generally only going to be an issue with someone who is ALREADY feeling insecure about the relationship. At least that's my opinion.

I don't doubt for a moment that someone that has been with only one partner over a long period of time could be as skilled, if not more so, than someone that has been with multiple partners over the same timeframe.

Enthusiasm always trumps skill in my book.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

No one wants to be with the easy girl in town or on campus. I feel it has less to do with sexual performance and more to with guys not wanting a lot of other men going over old "war stories" about your wife with their buddies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

tobio said:


> Interesting viewpoints.
> 
> I'm asking partly due to a comment my OH made last night. We were talking about previous partners, he said the number of partners I'd had in the past is "hard for a guy to stomach." Not hard for HIM but for a guy. I took that to mean he assumes guys wouldn't like a girl to have had many previous partners, almost like there is a magical number that is ok but anything over that is woah!
> 
> ...


Call me a hypocrite or old-fashioned, but I like it that my wife was a virgin when we were married. There's something exciting, pure, I can't really put a finger on it to know that I'm the only person on the planet that knows this beautiful creature intimately. 
I understand the points made here about wanting a woman who know what they were doing and aren't timid or shy about sex. At the same time I think there's something to be said about discovering what you enjoy _together_, instead coming into the relationship with pre-conceived expectations based on what you enjoyed with a previous partner. 
I don't know if it would be a deal breaker if my wife had a lot of partners before me - but I do know as someone with low self-esteem like myself, when I had these sort of discussions with an old gf, it always bothered me that she was more experienced than me, and I would compare myself to these other men. 
There's no right or wrong answer on this stuff, I just know having the choice and knowing my own shortcomings, I'd rather have the virgin.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> Mind you, even chaps in their 40s and 50s can have issues of whatever kind with their partners' pasts (yes sure it could be related to problems within the relationship) but maturity doesn't always smooth the tetchy edges of sexual jealousy


Agreed, but there are FAR fewer chances of meeting an inexperienced woman who is in her 40's. So, whether I am jealous or not....I have to accept reality.

Jealousy is genetically imprinted on men to guarantee fatherhood.
Who wants to hunt and gather for another caveman's kid.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Kobo said:


> No one wants to be with the easy girl in town or on campus. I feel it has less to do with sexual performance and more to with guys not wanting a lot of other men going over old "war stories" about your wife with their buddies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Women who seriously think about a marriage should stay away from men who are playboys too. 

An easy girl is like a playboy!

But in many cases a woman loses her virginity because she was young, she didn't know the dark side of this society, she wanted love, she was searching for love, but she was hurt by men who are not responsible. 

A lot of men want casual sex, they look for preys everywhere!

I think in order for women to free themselves from shame and guilt, their men have to be really understanding and sympathetic. 

Anyway, this society is full of all kinds of different people. 

A woman who has a past should just look for a man who doesn't mind her past. If a woman ends up with a man who minds her past, I can imagine their miserable life.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Women who seriously think about a marriage should stay away from men who are playboys too.
> 
> An easy girl is like a playboy!
> 
> ...



You ladies need to understand how big and fragile our egos are. It's less about you and more about the other guy (even though we'll never admit it). I would suggest a woman in this situation work on blowing up their man's ego  Chase him for while leaving no doubt that you want him. Show up at the office and give him a BJ. Deep Kiss him in public. Stuff like that. Just my opinion.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Kobo said:


> You ladies need to understand how big and fragile our egos are. It's less about you and more about the other guy (even though we'll never admit it). I would suggest a woman in this situation work on blowing up their man's ego  Chase him for while leaving no doubt that you want him. Show up at the office and give him a BJ. Deep Kiss him in public. Stuff like that. Just my opinion.


Easy for me to do. 

If my husband had an office, he would get that for sure. 

He does get his BL everyday, good ones. 

As for kissing him in the public, he gets a lot of sniffing. I love to sniff him when I kiss him. I love his smell. I won't let go of him! His smell gets me wild 

A seductive wife is a man's heaven!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Heh, I've had none before my gf and none since. She has had 1 before (short-lived) and I knew him. He was a douche. Anyway, never felt bad. I did ask her how he was etc, because I am a curious person, if possible, I'd like to know everything. I ask stuff from a lot of friends and then go: "Ah! Thanks, now I know." and never wing it up again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

woodstock said:


> I was a bit free thinking in my youth, and I don't regret or have shame for it. I had fun, that's what youth is for HAHA.


 Noone here knows how deeply I wish I could say this about my youth /our youth. When I hear songs like "Summer of 69" by Bryan Adams , sometimes I think too myself, I wish we had more memories like that! 

I have soooo much regret about my past/our past, the way *we *handled our sexuality, I have cried about it. It angers me. I feel we lost so many good years. Me & my husband were virgins when we married, or tarnished virgins since we still played around a little, but kept ourselves from intercourse. Although I agree with what Effess's said here "I like it that my wife was a virgin when we were married. There's something exciting, pure, I can't really put a finger on it to know that I'm the only person on the planet that knows this beautiful creature intimately". If only we had been more educated & exploritory with each other back then! Our pureness did us no favors. 


I was adament to remain a "virgin" but If I was to be honest with myself, I recall being jealous over some of my wilder friends, feeling they were having more fun than me & what I might be missing. I dont think deep down I wanted to be that "good" girl, it was all about not feeling TOO guilty (but we did anyway), shame followed us even for what little we did & feeling GOD would be displeased with me/us for having sexual urges, going too far, so we had our line drawn in the sand. This mindset kept us from exploring almost anything new or exciting, all was pleasurable but so VERY taboo, we just didn’t talk about it.  

I never realized the extent of how this HURT us & our marriage bed until me & my husband started REALLY opening up about sex in the past few yrs. I wanted to blame HIM for not coming on to me more in our past, awakening me earlier when he was the more sexually driven spouse - BUT HE WAS REPRESSED as WELL !  What a blow! 

Looking back, I would exchange some of that pureness/exclusivness on his part -or even mine, if it meant a few prior sexual experiences would have helped him or I climb out of these nagging "sex is dirty & should be hidden" mindset we struggled with, so at least one of us could have helped the other overcome earlier in our marraige. We were like 2 love sick ignorant dummies, guilt ridden over the pleasures we were able to give to each other but felt inwardly shameful about.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

I'been thru this a lot, as my wife was my first and only but she had several sex partners before me including one night stands and stuff which naturally will always bother me because I was never like that and did not ever saw it as appropiate...we are really ok with each other but we both know is a sore topic

but here is the deal, we have 2 daughters so the real trick is how or what do we pass down to our girls??

it wasnt religion at all that made me wait for my true and only love...it was just the way I felt, no divine intervention of any kind.....plus I think the whole thing of "you gotta sow your oats" and all that is big hype and while biologically it might feel that way it doesnt mean not doing it makes you less capable or anything like that, its a poor society perspective that if you didnt sleep around while you were young you missed out on something....so the key message for our children is to be in better control of their emotions and urges, this is always a good thing....and that applies well beyond sex in life.

I would think is ok for adolescents to have sex with partners they care about only after they have established a solid and responsible relationship....wife and I both disapprove on one night stands and casual sex because of the risk of STD and just because we think is not necessary at all and it doesnt make you a better person or help fulfill any life long need in any way other than the thrill of the moment.....is just a myth and merely a biological urge left in our genes, it usually has emotional consequences and other risks


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's an extension of the "past behavior predicts future behavior" theory.

If there is conflict or insecurity about the sexual interactions between a couple, then a man thinks of what she did in the past, wondering if her past is what she wants instead.

Not entirely rational thinking, but not completely out of line either.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

prc911 said:


> it wasnt religion at all that made me wait for my true and only love...it was just the way I felt, no divine intervention of any kind.....plus I think the whole thing of "you gotta sow your oats" and all that is big hype and while biologically it might feel that way it doesnt mean not doing it makes you less capable or anything like that, its a poor society perspective that if you didnt sleep around while you were young you missed out on something....so the key message for our children is to be in better control of their emotions and urges, this is always a good thing....and that applies well beyond sex in life.


Is this the real reason, or were you shy ...with no game.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

bluesky said:


> Is this the real reason, or were you shy ...with no game.


i was raised with "old school" parenting and I was always taught very strictly to respect women and older people...

No game? nah dont think so, I did all kinds of other stupid stuff during my adolesnce...the usual, gang member one of them, plenty of fights, etc...there was also a lot of pregnancies going on and I saw the damage that did to young girls when they were ditched....to be honest I cant think of any girl that didnt feel "used" or emotionally hurt after a sexual fling, it was a big turn off for me and I never wanted to deal with the all the drama or the hooking up and dumping

again your question just points to my point in that its just a big hype that you "gotta get low and dirty" to experience youth....is just not true at all and it doesnt appear that parents tell this to their kids to prevent the bullying and stuff that goes on with it.....


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

in another words, it would be like saying that in this day and age you might as well just deal with getting fat because there is so much good food around to eat than why bother......says who? where is it written, in what manual or book does it say we have to be promiscuous for long term life success and satisfaction? Even those that have experienced it says it serves little or no value during adulthood, actually regret is more likely


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wish my wife had some more and better prior sexual experience. It's clear now that she's deeply repressed though.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I wish my wife had some more and better prior sexual experience. It's clear now that she's deeply repressed though.


but hey that can be changed! you can always get more experience now as a couple....but unfortunately those that regret "too much past experience" can never take it away....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wish that were true, but no. My wife has been completely sexually shut down for years. No interest no discussion, nothing.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

My wife were both active sexually active befoe we met. I think we both enjoyed being single. I have never really asked about some of the specifics or the number of partners as i am not sure how relevant it is. I am also not sure I would want to know. I think some men want to know this sort of thing some may not. 
I think many men are insecure about being less experienced than thier wives. I also think that the double standard is absurdly alive and well despite its lack of fairness. 

I am all for being truthful and honest in most instances but, I also don't believe in don't think the discussion of past sexual encounters is necessesary unless something like rape/abuse or other relevent things happened that may impact the relationship. Regardless, i think that people should be entitled to privacy if that is their desire. That said if a don't ask don't tell attitude exists partners should be responsible where past exposure to diseases could be an issue and take precautionary tests to prevent the obvious. 

The only exception to privace is where someone insists on full disclosure. I think that if a man or women wants to mary a virgin then that should be met with brutal honesty.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Not a man, but as a woman, your past is exactly that - your past. 

Sure my husband had an active sex life before marriage and had been married before - so what - just means he didn't meet me soon enuff! LOL

Past is past - I also had an active sex life and a prior marriage and not ONCE, not ONCE has my husband ever brought up either in any form or fashion.

It's like Dr Chapman says in Five Love Languages - your past is history, it's the present that matters.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

One other thing.

You can "learn" from the past.

But if you continue to "live in it", you are doomed to "repeat it."


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My H got around. He was/is very good looking. He had all the girls. It was just that sex, never love.

I had a few experiences. I was timid, never felt secure, until I married. With H I feel secure. I can be open with him sexually, and he is game. I do not fear being ridiculed when I suggest something to him.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Past is past - I also had an active sex life and a prior marriage and not ONCE, not ONCE has my husband ever brought up either in any form or fashion.


I think it like was said is a personal choice...my wife and I are very confident we will spend the rest our our lives together committed to each other...in such a deep lasting relationship why would I not want to know anything about her past sexual history?? if anything some of he things she has shared have brought on more intimacy...and I think either husband or wife are entitled to ask and there should be openness (as lying would be a bad idea) to this topic from both sides if the need arises, it might be now or never but I dont believe from someone I will spend the rest of my life with there should be a "no sorry you cant go there or ask about that" type of situation.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

When I met my wife she had just lost her virginity by the guy she had dated ONCE, she knew I wouldn't date a virgin. I am the only man who's given her the big "O" so what is there to say except, when she cheated on me it was the biggest disappointment of her life. She will never have better than me!

Mouse


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

In my case I think I should have asked more about her prior experience. I was far less experienced when we got together, and insecure about it, so we talked about it very little. As our marriage came apart I discovered that I should have pushed ahead with my concerns, asked more questions, listened to the answers, and generally be engaged with her on this rather that hide from it.

Recently she told me that she "cheated on everyone she'd ever dated". Now, don't you think I should have taken the time, years ago, to ask about how the other relationships started and/or ended? I doubt I would have abandoned our relationship, but it's a good bet we'd have handled it differently, and in my opinion, probably better, with full disclosure and an open line.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

prc911 said:


> I think it like was said is a personal choice...my wife and I are very confident we will spend the rest our our lives together committed to each other...in such a deep lasting relationship why would I not want to know anything about her past sexual history?? if anything some of he things she has shared have brought on more intimacy...and I think either husband or wife are entitled to ask and there should be openness (as lying would be a bad idea) to this topic from both sides if the need arises, it might be now or never but I dont believe from someone I will spend the rest of my life with there should be a "no sorry you cant go there or ask about that" type of situation.


I agree. I never understood really what is meant by 'the past is the past'. Does this mean that it is completely irrelevant and and a completely unimportant facet of one's life? Or that to be able to deal with a relationship, past sexual experiences must never be mentioned?

If you think (as I do) that someone's past sexual experiences do matter, it doesn't automatically mean that you think any less of your spouse for having them. I think it is an extremely important part of who someone is. And to reach true intimacy with someone, I believe that you need to understand their history. Obviously not all history is good and some of it may be very upsetting. But I think for most people it is a blend of good, great and not so great experiences.

Anyway, it's natural to feel a little discomfort with your spouse's past sex partners and what they did. However, that is life and for every ounce of discomfort there is also often some level of excitement attached to it in thinking about your spouse as a sexual person that was desired by others. I believe that this perspective increases with age as people mature to less jealousy and often need new sparks in the marriage. Perhaps it's the same desire behind swinging but just not taken as far.

Recently in my relationship I have discovered that some sex experiences/partners were left out and it's getting in the way of our intimacy. These occurred while dating in the early days so there has been no openness about them. I need to remove this barrier to intimacy and learn the truth but I can't seem to break past it.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Some people can't handle it though.

I could and was very interested in what my gf had done before (ok, she had one before me ). It made me understand her more and lessened the barrier between the two of us. Did take a while for her to open up about it as she felt uncomfortable though. The more time passed, the more she found it to be no big deal and the more she opened up.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I think that before you should get married get to know the person's friends. In my opinion if someone does not been able to maintain friendships it may point to problems that may not surface until well into the relationship. Extenuting circumstances asside (rare) this has proven true for my romantic and platonic relatioinships over the years. 

I think many cheaters or person with sorted pasts tend to associate with other similar persons or iif not their friends may know their shortcomings and may even share. I was at a wedding where none of the bridesmaides had a kind word to say about the bride. No surprise she turned out to be a real jerk. This is one of many illustrations of my theory. Have drinks with the friend if possible and see what Sh#% flies. If they have no friends or you have never met them there may be trouble.


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