# A distant trip: Is this appropriate?



## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Here I am again looking for advice.

So I found out that I had a biological father that wasn't the same man I grew up with when I was 10 years old. I met him shortly after. I have only seen him 6 times since then (I'm 25 now). Last time I called him was 7 years ago, a year before I met my husband. My dad was in the process of moving to China. He has lived there ever since.

So, my husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 3 year old son together. My dad has been wanting me to travel to China (majority of expenses paid) to see all of the neat things he's been doing and experience something "outside of my box". He has never met his grandson. Last year he wanted me to travel there to see the Chinese New Year and I didn't go because I wanted to bring my husband and son and couldn't afford it. We still can't afford it but the offer has sort of (a possibility, maybe, perhaps?) come up again. The ONLY way I would go to China (it would be a week or two trip) is if I could bring my son with me and take care of him myself. If I left him here, the only person available to watch him would be my mother because my husband works. My mother cannot handle my son that long (she's on disability). This is absolutely the ONLY way to be able to go, PLUS I'm sure my dad would enjoy seeing his grandson. 

Now I brought this up to my husband. Of course, it was an absolutely no way, no how, not gonna happen sort of answer. I told him to just sit on it because it wasn't even definite - it was just an idea that came up. He wants to save to be able to go too, but that's like a few thousand dollars. My husband can't even save a fifty dollar bill. It would be nice, but doubtful. We have bills and student loans we are paying off. I just don't see that happening. 

He tells me he's not going to let the 2 most important things in his life just fly to the other side of the world. I don't blame him. I would have a hard time with that too, but I am a super paranoid mother and have to deal with it. This is an experience we won't have another chance for. My dad IS coming back in the next couple years. 

Like I said, I don't blame him for saying "no" but I don't feel right just taking that "no" and not going to China. What is appropriate here? Has anybody left their spouses home alone for 2 weeks while traveling far? I'd just like to have a good plan if this becomes definite. I don't want him to be miserable but I don't want to make the wrong choice and regret it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Artist said:


> Here I am again looking for advice.
> 
> So I found out that I had a biological father that wasn't the same man I grew up with when I was 10 years old. I met him shortly after. I have only seen him 6 times since then (I'm 25 now). Last time I called him was 7 years ago, a year before I met my husband. My dad was in the process of moving to China. He has lived there ever since.
> 
> ...


To be honest, this strikes me as a lot to go through for someone you haven't spoken to in 7 years. What happened to the man you grew up with thinking was your father anyway? I guess he isn't "Dad."


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Philat said:


> To be honest, this strikes me as a lot to go through for someone you haven't spoken to in 7 years. What happened to the man you grew up with thinking was your father anyway? I guess he isn't "Dad."


No, he is. He had a lot of alcohol and anger problems and treated me like a guinea pig for discipline. He used those words himself. I love him though. We are passed all of that. We are good friends and we go to his house at least once a week  My dad (the china one) and I have spoken, over skype and whatnot. He sends pictures, we email, we did one video call.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Artist said:


> Like I said, I don't blame him for saying "no" but I don't feel right just taking that "no" and not going to China. What is appropriate here?


Apparently some people on TAM think one spouse should always be able to veto another spouse's trips. But I am not one of those people. You are an adult and your husband has no right to arbitrarily keep you from seeing your father. 

I also think it's strange that you ask if it's "appropriate". Why wouldn't it be appropriate, unless you live in the Middle East where wives aren't supposed to travel without their husbands. 

*HOWEVER*, having said all that, money is an issue too, and your husband also isn't obligated to put your family in debt just to send you to China. Is your father offering to pay for this trip now? You are unclear about that. 

Go on the trip, as long as you can afford it without racking up significant debt. 



> _Has anybody left their spouses home alone for 2 weeks while traveling far? I'd just like to have a good plan if this becomes definite. I don't want him to be miserable but I don't want to make the wrong choice and regret it._


I'm in the military, and travel away from my spouse constantly. My wife does too, she is from Korea and has traveled there alone and with our children several times as well. It's never been a problem. 

Weigh your options, but it sounds like you will greatly regret it if you don't go on this trip.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If your Dad is paying the majority of the expenses for you and your son can he pay for your husband to come too?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I know people who feel like your husband and don't think a woman should go off on a trip. I really think for most it's a continuation of a double standard since so many working people travel. My brother in law is like that and all it's done is help isolate my sister in law from family just because he can't handle the thought of the little woman on her own even if it's going to meet family.

I call bvllsh*t!! My daughter was born and just about a year old when I had an oppourtinity to go with my dad on a hiking trip in Europe. We had never done something like that before and I decided to go. We spent a lot of time together that we didn't have again until this year when I had to take an emergency trip to visit him because of his health. It turns out that that trip in Europe was the most time and best time we spent together ever. I would do it again in an instant. 

I even missed my daughters first steps while on that trip. But I would still do it again. I developed a relationship with my daughter that is closer than the one I ever had with my dad so in the long run I didn't miss much. It was an inconvenience on my wife. My mom stayed to "help" out. My wife was not happy about it but she did recognize that it was a chance for me to bond with my dad and she accepted it. It was indeed hard on her but not so bad in the long run. 

I encourage you to go and bond with your dad because you never know when you will never have the chance again. Your life will only become busier and travel less convenient.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Apparently some people on TAM think one spouse should always be able to veto another spouse's trips. But I am not one of those people. You are an adult and your husband has no right to arbitrarily keep you from seeing your father.
> 
> I also think it's strange that you ask if it's "appropriate". Why wouldn't it be appropriate, unless you live in the Middle East where wives aren't supposed to travel without their husbands.
> 
> ...


He can't stop his wife from traveling to china if she wants to go. However, it wouldn't be difficult to get a court order preventing her from taking his child out of the country without his authorization, and simply submitting that court order with a request to tsa will get the child put on a no fly list.


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## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

What's appropriate, I guess, is what you and your husband ultimately decide on and work out together.

Having said that, if the trip is mostly going to be funded by your father or some other way, air miles for example, and not put your family in a financial bind, I don't see any reason why it's inappropriate. 

Someone mentioned the issues you could have with your son if your H is adamant that he does not want your son to go. This may require a lot of compromise and negotiation between you and your husband or some creative care-taking back home with your mom and husband. Is there any reason she couldn't watch him while your H was at work and he has him at night?

I am pretty flexible in my marriage but have a general rule that my H doesn't tell me what to do when it involves my family and I extend him the same courtesy. We're both welcome to give our opinions but that's it. 

I'm also a big person on living life with no regrets, so I would say figure out how much going on this trip would mean to you. You say your dad is coming back....but you're banking on a future that may not exist. If you knew this was the last time you were ever going to see him, would you absolutely "have" to go? If so, that might mean making concessions with your H re: your son or the creative child care I mentioned above. 

I will say this: I have taken three trips out of the country without my husband, traveling completely alone each time. Two of those trips were to Mexico during the drug war, where I walked the streets with Army tanks everywhere and machine guns pointed at me -- a situation most men would never allow. I'm an adult. It was important to me for personal reasons that I make these trips. My H elected not to come with me. Fair enough, but he wasn't going to then say I could not go. 

Going meant I had to get real creative with childcare, in one instance paying to fly my kids to grandparents out of state who could watch them for a week while I was gone. They did fine, hit the beach, and everyone survived, and my in-laws are old. 

Sure, there were times during planning and even while there I felt somewhat selfish for taking the trips. I was a medical tourist, though, and really felt my only option, especially financially, was to get care out of the country. I also had downtime during each trip and met some awesome people, saw things I will never see again (likely) in my lifetime, and I do not regret any of the trips I took. In fact, I learned so much about myself, about the world outside of my doors, and would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Given his stance on things, though, it may take some creative compromise and other logistical considerations to make it happen.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Personally I think your husband should have no problem with you making this trip, but no way in hell my child would be leaving the country without me. I would tell you make the trip, have a good time, don't worry about child care I've got it covered. Then I'd get it covered. 

That being said, I have to ask, which relationship do you value more? Are you willing to damage your relationship with your husband to improve your relationship with your father? It doesn't really matter what any of us or you think about whether he should have a problem with it, it really only matters that he does have a problem with it.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Friends of mine do this and they are fine. Only difference is that it isn't as far therefore isn't for as long (eg Uk to another European country for a week at a time).

As this is a one off I think your husband is over reacting. Yes in a perfect world he would be able to go too but life doesn't always work that way.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I sense that you're coming here to be told that you're right and your husband is wrong. We all like our view points validated.

The problem with the "you're right and your husband is wrong" type of thought process is it doesn't help resolve issues. One of the biggest problems in marriages is husbands and wives take on a "me versus you" mentality when it comes to conflict and conflict resolution instead of taking an "us versus the problem" stance.

You need to talk WITH your husband about what his concerns are instead of talking against him.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

For me personally, I got married so that I could spend my life with my husband. I would not want to be away from him for 2 weeks, I would not leave the country without him. But that's just me.
I have seen many other couples happily take separate vacations and be apart for months at a time.

If my husband approached me about leaving for China for 2 weeks, I would not be cool about it. I would insist that "dad" pay for all 3 of us to go and make it a family vacation. It would damage my marriage if my husband left the country for 2 weeks without me.

For me personally, I would be offended if my 'dad' offered to pay for me and my kid, but not my husband.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is the ultimate disrespect to your husband.

Your so-called father is not a father. A father is not a man who sees his child 6 times in 25 years. No father would invite a married daughter who is a mother to travel to a foreign country without her child and / or husband. He is a man who got your mother pregnant. 

I feel sad for you that you never had a decent father. That ship has sailed, unfortunately. Don't harm the relationship with the man who has not abondoned his wife and child (your most important relationship), by honoring one that did.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hicks said:


> This is the ultimate disrespect to your husband.
> 
> Your so-called father is not a father. A father is not a man who sees his child 6 times in 25 years. No father would invite a married daughter who is a mother to travel to a foreign country without her child and / or husband. He is a man who got your mother pregnant.
> 
> I feel sad for you that you never had a decent father. That ship has sailed, unfortunately. Don't harm the relationship with the man who has not abondoned his wife and child (your most important relationship), by honoring one that did.


I completely agree with this but it also requires her husband needing to honor her and her needs and wishes.

The OP might "need" to visit her father. We don't know the intricate details of her childhood and what the dynamics were/are.

What I see happening is two people (the OP and her husband) having very strong thoughts and emotions about this but not communicating them to each other in a constructive manner.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> It would damage my marriage if my husband left the country for 2 weeks without me.


Wow, if just two weeks apart would damage your marriage, then maybe you need to rethink the marriage you have now. 

Unless you are a newlywed, I honestly don't think it's healthy to be so frightened of being apart for just two weeks. Especially when we are just talking about someone going to meet her biological dad. It's not a Vegas vacation to go gambling and see strippers. 



> _For me personally, I would be offended if my 'dad' offered to pay for me and my kid, but not my husband._


Not everyone is wealthy enough to send a whole family on a trip to China.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> This is the ultimate disrespect to your husband.


Was that a typo? Didn't you mean to type "ultimate disrespect to your adoptive father"?

I am confused how meeting her biological father would be disrespectful to her husband.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Considering the other thread you have, my guess would be that since your husband has so little control over most of his life with you, he has decided to draw a line in the sand.

I also think that the fact you are even considering taking this trip when your husband feels the way he does about it is very inconsiderate.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Wow, if just two weeks apart would damage your marriage, then maybe you need to rethink the marriage you have now.
> 
> Unless you are a newlywed, I honestly don't think it's healthy to be so frightened of being apart for just two weeks. Especially when we are just talking about someone going to meet her biological dad. It's not a Vegas vacation to go gambling and see strippers.
> 
> Not everyone is wealthy enough to send a whole family on a trip to China.


I thought this was a forum for people to share their opinion. My opinion is just that - "my opinion." Are you saying that my opinion is flat out wrong, or that I'm not allowed to share my opinions on this forum?

If the biological dad can't afford to send the whole family on a trip to China and it is imperative for him to spend time with his biological daughter, he could make the trip to see her and her family instead (one plane ticket).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your newfound family will greet you and make you feel at home. 

Then they will hit you up for money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

This isn't about dad or hubby I think. This is about "I want to see China", so what if my hubby can't go.

Foreshadowing.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If you haven't traveled much in your life, a trip to China is not going to be a very pleasant experience. Even with your father on the receiving end, the trip itself, with a child, is going to be a grueling thing. I've been to Taiwan a couple times on business and although I have always had an interest in Chinese culture, and have traveled extensively to other countries, I was never very comfortable in Taiwan. I was about 50 then and quite fit, two meters tall, so I stuck out like a sore thumb. 

Since it seems this is causing a rift in your family, you need to evaluate its effect long term. Do you really care if you go to China? Have you always wanted to go there? Or is it just where your father is? Why not have him come to where you are, and go see the sights in a city somewhere around your area? It's all about seeing your father anyway, or so that is my perception.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Considering the other thread you have, my guess would be that since your husband has so little control over most of his life with you, he has decided to draw a line in the sand.
> 
> I also think that the fact you are even considering taking this trip when your husband feels the way he does about it is very inconsiderate.


Also, you need his consent for your child to get a passport. So unless you already have one, he does have some control over your child taking the trip.

What about working with him to save money so that he can go as well? Some system for the two of you to save for the trip at some later date (2-3 months later than you currently are planning)?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> I thought this was a forum for people to share their opinion. My opinion is just that - "my opinion."


As my opinion is just that - my opinion. What is your point?



> _Are you saying that my opinion is flat out wrong, or that I'm not allowed to share my opinions on this forum?_


Just saying that your opinion didn't sound healthy to me. Couples should be able to travel apart for two weeks without the marriage being "damaged". That's a very general statement, however. I don't know all your specific circumstances. 



> _If the biological dad can't afford to send the whole family on a trip to China and it is imperative for him to spend time with his biological daughter, he could make the trip to see her and her family instead (one plane ticket)._


Then if he has a wife and children of his own, in your eyes it would be "offensive" for him to travel alone to visit her, now wouldn't it? 

Anyway, the OP said her dad is leaving China in a couple years, and so if she doesn't go now, she will miss her chance to visit him there. That's one of the issues here.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If your Dad is paying the majority of the expenses for you and your son can he pay for your husband to come too?


I think he's being quite generous in paying for her and the kid already. It's quite an expensive trip.

OP, I'd suggest if your husband wants to go for him to find a way to pay. Maybe sell things on ebay? I would take your dad on the offer and go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Your newfound family will greet you and make you feel at home.
> 
> Then they will hit you up for money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like my inlaws! :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Wait, aren't you the same poster who that said men need to be directed? 

If you wouldn't be comfortable with your husband taking the baby on the same trip and leaving you at home, then don't even think about going. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Wait, aren't you the same poster who that said men need to be directed?
> 
> If you wouldn't be comfortable with your husband taking the baby on the same trip and leaving you at home, then don't even think about going.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't say men need to be directed. I said that was something I had heard. Please don't post on my threads if you are just going to bring up that comment that has nothing to do with anything at all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why can't your dad visit you? Sounds like he wants to show off and all that. If he were really interested in YOU, he would show up to visit. Then later on maybe you and your family could visit him in China, if and when you could all afford to go and were interested in making that kind of sacrifice to spend time with your dad (vs. just the novelty of going....) You need to be careful about just turning your life over to someone relatively unknown for 2 weeks in a country where you don't speak the language and don't know your way around. My son went to visit his dad when he was an adolescent (in HK and China and Finland) and it's tough, if the person has it in their head they want to show you X, Y, Z....it may also be he wants to showcase you around for business...kids are like a trophy possession in China, especially if they are ummmm, suitably presentable for show and tell. Don't be that kid. Ask your dad to visit you at your home, and you will show him around and introduce him to your friends, and he can hang with his grandson. If he's not into that, don't risk your marriage for him.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Last year I traveled twice, for a week at a time, without my wife. For me, one two-week trip is not an issue.

Does your husband have an opinion of your dad or your relationship with your dad? If he doesn't know the guy, I can see why he would be nervous about you going there, much less his son. He may be lukewarm to the idea of another in-law. If I were in your husband's shoes, these are the things that would eat at me.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Considering the other thread you have, my guess would be that since your husband has so little control over most of his life with you, he has decided to draw a line in the sand.
> 
> I also think that the fact you are even considering taking this trip when your husband feels the way he does about it is very inconsiderate.


Please do not post in my threads if your sole intent is to stir up sh*t. Thanks.

My husband does not have "so little control over most of his life" with me. Where did you hear that? 

There you go; That is all I wanted to know. I am an inconsiderate, controlling, nagging ***** that helps fill the percentage of people whom are to blame for the high divorce rate. I also resemble an anally retentive ex-husband that vacuums his carpets in a 45 degree angle, apparently. My poor, poor husband. Let me bring back a dead thread, Hope, like a couple of you have insisted on doing. A few of you said you felt bad for the guy. I have overlooked so much crap that I will NOT post online about him. He has issues that he fails to try and control. He has addictions and he has a bipolar temper. I was NEVER controlling before we started getting serious. He was my first real relationship and we've been together for over 6 years. I started becoming controlling when I realized that it was working. This man did some stupid sh*t throughout the years (not saying that I didn't) and would keep repeating his mistakes. When I would take control, that sh*t wouldn't happen. It became a habit - a daily routine. Then I would notice I was doing it without even realizing it. But he has freedom to do what he wants.

The funny thing is you guys concentrated on that whole "I learned that men need to be treated like children and directed, in a way" to the point where my original post was no longer being acknowledged. And OF COURSE you all disagreed. "You should NEVER treat a man like a child!" "No wonder he doesn't do any chores. I wouldn't either if my wife treated me like that!" Then you all proceeded to give me ideas like "let him fail to do a chore and learn from his consequences" or "choose more man-like chores for him so that he enjoys helping" or "yadda yadda" but don't treat him like a child. The funny part being those ideas are what we do to our son. Those ideas are what I would consider to be for a child. The other funny part being I never said I treated my husband that way. 

His dad had a woman taking care of him and his family almost his entire life. She cooked, cleaned, did their laundry - she never stopped. I will NOT be her and I have already made that clear with him. I will do what I can and I will be a good mother and wife and try my best to improve and grow and listen. But I will not be his personal assistant. 

Anyway...yeah, don't be announcing that my husband has no control in any part of his life with me. That isn't true. Let it go. There was a gigantic misunderstanding and it was a horrible first impression of me to some of you. To be fair, it was a bad impression of some of you as well. 

Maybe if my husband would stop spending money on stupid BS, this trip idea wouldn't even be an issue.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Artist said:


> Please do not post in my threads if your sole intent is to stir up sh*t. Thanks.
> 
> My husband does not have "so little control over most of his life" with me. Where did you hear that?
> 
> ...


I posted in this thread because the attitude you displayed in your other thread is relevant here. Considering how many likes I got for that post, I am obviously not the only one to think so either.

Welcome back!!!!


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I posted in this thread because the attitude you displayed in your other thread is relevant here. Considering how many likes I got for that post, I am obviously not the only one to think so either.
> 
> Welcome back!!!!


Likes don't mean squat. Go play on Facebook and stay off of my threads please if you are just going to stir **** up.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Can you hold off for a few months, save, then the three of you go?


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Can you hold off for a few months, save, then the three of you go?



I would LOVE to. Last year he wanted me to come but, again, could only afford to pay for me. I told him "well, we're getting our tax returns here soon. I want to bring the boys." He didn't care, but we only got like $3,500 back and I REFUSE to have nothing in savings. It wasn't enough. We couldn't go. There was the Chinese New Year and Thailand because it was warm and...he told me all about it. He said I wasn't going because I live under a rock...which I have (I had severe social anxiety growing up). I've been to like 3 US states. My husband has ridden a bus all the way around the country. He's been. He's done. Not since me, of course, but he's gotten to do things I would have only dreamed. 

Of course I would rather we all go. My husband goes on a work trip over one or two nights and I can't stand it. I get so sad and scared. I get it. I don't like being away from him. I'm super paranoid. I just want to get out from under this rock and do something that I probably won't get another chance to do.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What if you get to China and you experience these panic attacks? Its something you should consider may happen if you decide to go.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> What if you get to China and you experience these panic attacks? Its something you should consider may happen if you decide to go.


It's possible. I bailed out on a trip with my dad several years ago because I got lost in the camp grounds and started panicking, called my mom, and arranged a ride home. He was so so so upset. I really wish I would have stuck it out. I regret that decision. 

I guess I just have this hope that I can form a bond or friendship with my dad. He's a lot of things I want to be. I wish he would just go back to the states where he was. It's only an 8 hour trip to where he used to live. The thought of China DOES scare me - so many things that are so very different. I will never go if he's not there.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Just from what you wrote " he's a lot of things I want to be", is it possible your husband may feel if you go you may discover things you want to be and that may include not wanting to be with him? Is that one possible reason he may be so against you going?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Artist said:


> Please do not post in my threads if your sole intent is to stir up sh*t. Thanks.
> 
> ...
> 
> There you go; That is all I wanted to know. I am an inconsiderate, controlling, nagging ***** that helps fill the percentage of people whom are to blame for the high divorce rate.


Considering the number of people to date that you've told to not post in your threads in a forum which you do not ostensibly own, what exactly are we supposed to infer?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Where in China is he? Personally I wouldn't waste any money going to any of the major cities. They are absolutely filthy. And I wouldn't bring any of my children there. The air is nasty. You will need to wear filtration masks. You could also get hepatitis, the kind you can't be vaccinated for. And it is easy to be poor now in China, the wealth there in the cities is amazing. Don't expect to be comfortable in your travels on low budget. 

I went to Mongolia last summer. Went through Beijing and could have gone to visit old neighborhood on transit Visa...I stayed in the airport. No thank you. I looked out the windows of the terminal...was all smog. Ewwwwww.

Go somewhere nice for your International experience. Like, say Quebec City of Montreal. You can get a family room at a hostel, like Hosteling International. Take the bus, public transportation, broaden your horizons on your own, not under someone else's oversight...


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Artist said:


> What is appropriate here? Has anybody left their spouses home alone for 2 weeks while traveling far?


I am a woman and have travelled the world alone or with girlfriends/work colleagues many times during my 27-year marriage. However, when I became a mother I only did this when my DD was old enough to be in school full-time and the longest trip was 2 weeks. When DD was pre-school age, she always traveled with me or my H (or both) and only within the USA (our home country). In our opinions this travel restriction was safer for DD in terms of her health and safety.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Considering the number of people to date that you've told to not post in your threads in a forum which you do not ostensibly own, what exactly are we supposed to infer?


2
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Artist said:


> I guess I just have this hope that I can form a bond or friendship with my dad. He's a lot of things I want to be. I wish he would just go back to the states where he was.


This is the root of the issue. I wouldn't want to tell you to give in to your husband. I don't know your dad's circumstances, but I'll bet your husband is wondering who this guy is and why he is all of a sudden part of the family.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I posted in this thread because the attitude you displayed in your other thread is relevant here. Considering how many likes I got for that post, I am obviously not the only one to think so either.
> 
> Welcome back!!!!


I agree.

I was not attacking you Artist, and I have taken offense to being told not to post here just because I brought up something that YOU recently said in YOUR post, for context. You are not posting in a vacume, where each post you that make has no relavance to the others. Your other post provides us with important clues as to how you interact in your relationship. You jump down the throat of anyone who disagrees with you or offers constructive criticism. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Yes I fly across the ocean every year, $1000.00 for flights and another $1000.00 in other expenses. I've gone every year and my H doesn't come with me, it is usually 3 to 4 weeks and I visit family in several countries in Europe.

My H doesn't care he knows it is important to me, we have no kids yet so that makes it easy.

I am feeling sad that it is financially impossible for you to go. 

I think everyone not only should see their country/state but also other countries and continents. I traveled as a student, thought I would travel much more but met my H on one of these trips, that is how my travel days ended because I met the one I love and felt home with him. 

I am sure you can save up enough money, if you think about it, go to grocery outlet places, even cancel TV, internet, go to the public library for internet or use your iphone if you have one. Don't go out as often and SAVE your money, go on this trip, everyone should widen their world view. Fox news doesn't count. 

Good luck


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I sense that you're coming here to be told that you're right and your husband is wrong. We all like our view points validated.
> 
> The problem with the "you're right and your husband is wrong" type of thought process is it doesn't help resolve issues. One of the biggest problems in marriages is husbands and wives take on a "me versus you" mentality when it comes to conflict and conflict resolution instead of taking an "us versus the problem" stance.
> 
> You need to talk WITH your husband about what his concerns are instead of talking against him.


This post should just be a board sticky. It applies to so many threads.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I married a woman from another country. Although her parents are here, she has many friends from her country who live here but have parents there. As a result, many of our friends with kids are traveling halfway around the world all the time, and you often see only one parent going with the kid at a time, due to expense and work needs. So to me it seems like less of a big deal.

At the same time, it may genuinely feel like a big, scary thing for your husband to let you two go so far away. The negative read on it is "he's controlling." But maybe it's also "he cares about you and he doesn't know how to process the idea of you doing this." Maybe he's never even been halfway around the world. Maybe you might as well be going to mars in his mind. Try to understand his feelings about it and to reassure him, if it's important to you.

I do think it's interesting that it's so important to you. You mention that your adoptive father abused you. Even many children who grow up with their biological parents fantasize sometimes that they have "real" parents out there somewhere who are better. You have an extreme case, where you had a pretty terrible adoptive father, and then a "real" father who, on the surface, does seem better (although it's awfully hard to know, since he didn't actually function as your parent). So I can understand why you feel a longing to connect with him. That's probably something to sit with.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Artist said:


> 2
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which is two more than most people ever bother to try to control in a given thread.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Artist said:


> Likes don't mean squat. Go play on Facebook and stay off of my threads please if you are just going to stir **** up.


How am I stirring up ****?? I haven't been rude, I am simply calling it like I see it. And I am not the only one who thinks this way, obviously. I'm sorry you don't like what I have to say, but that's no reason to get so vicious. 

You obviously have your mind made up anyway. You've stated that the only way you can go visit your dad is to take your son and leave your husband at home, and every time an alternative is suggested there's a reason it won't work. You asked if it's appropriate to do this and some of us have said no, it isn't.

I do not see your husband as the jerk others do, but of course that's my opinion. I see a controlling wife who has now decided to take a trip without her husband, he doesn't want her to go and has taken a stand, and the controlling wife doesn't like it and so is trying to get support for the decision she's already made, rather than work through it with her husband and figure something out. Like I said, that is my opinion, which I can post anywhere I want to, and you are free to ignore it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Artist said:


> Here I am again looking for advice.
> 
> So I found out that I had a biological father that wasn't the same man I grew up with when I was 10 years old. I met him shortly after. I have only seen him 6 times since then (I'm 25 now). Last time I called him was 7 years ago, a year before I met my husband. My dad was in the process of moving to China. He has lived there ever since.
> 
> ...


Having resisted the temptation to read your other threads...

I think your husband's feelings should be considered and respected here when it comes to your son. Of course you're perfectly free to fly wherever you want without your son and deal with the fall out later (not wise but some people really don't feel they need to consider their spouse when making decisions like this.). But when kids are involved,the parents MUST agree when it comes to things like traveling out of the country.In fact, I'm wondering how you'd get your son a passport without your husband's signature? From what I always understood about passports is both parents need to sign for it.I could be misinformed though.

If I was the woman in the situation I would have to tell my dad I couldn't go or try to line up reliable care for my son while my husband was at work so I could go on the trip. ETA After reading again and thinking on it more,I'm sure I wouldn't go unless my husband supported my choice completely. I would feel bad the entire time I was gone unless I had his blessings.It's not a control thing but just a respect and care thing for me. 

My knee jerk emotional response would be fury that my husband thought he could tell me what to do regarding my son.BUT then the reasonable mature side would take over reminding me the kid is OUR son and my husband has equal say over where he travels.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> How am I stirring up ****?? I haven't been rude, I am simply calling it like I see it. And I am not the only one who thinks this way, obviously. I'm sorry you don't like what I have to say, but that's no reason to get so vicious.
> 
> You obviously have your mind made up anyway. You've stated that the only way you can go visit your dad is to take your son and leave your husband at home, and every time an alternative is suggested there's a reason it won't work. You asked if it's appropriate to do this and some of us have said no, it isn't.
> 
> I do not see your husband as the jerk others do, but of course that's my opinion. I see a controlling wife who has now decided to take a trip without her husband, he doesn't want her to go and has taken a stand, and the controlling wife doesn't like it and so is trying to get support for the decision she's already made, rather than work through it with her husband and figure something out. Like I said, that is my opinion, which I can post anywhere I want to, and you are free to ignore it.


By making accusations that my husband has zero control in anything that has to do with me. By bringing up and using an old thread against me and creating drama that didn't need to exist in this thread. I simply asked you and the other poster that used the old thread as a case against me to please post elsewhere and I have every right to ask. And as a fellow TAM member, I would think there would be a basic foundation of respect there. Simply...if you are going to just bring up old threads and try and get a reaction out of your posts, please don't post. If you're going to treat me as a fellow human being who is asking for help and actually assist me, then feel free and I appreciate it. I didn't come here to be tag teamed or belittled and I just ask you, and anyone else that feels the urge to bully, to please refrain from doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I haven't made any accusations, I have simply stated my opinion. Like I keep saying, feel free to discount it if you wish. But do not try to tell me where I am and am not allowed to post please.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Considering the other thread you have, my guess would be that since your husband has so little control over most of his life with you, he has decided to draw a line in the sand.
> 
> I also think that the fact you are even considering taking this trip when your husband feels the way he does about it is very inconsiderate.


Yes you did. "Since your husband has so little control over most of his life with you" is stated like it's a fact, which it's not. That's not fair. And I did not tell you that you are not allowed to post on this thread. I said "please don't post if...yadda yadda yadda" I'm not sure why that's so hard to understand. Respect me and I will respect you. Just remember that you don't know me. While you can have all the opinions you want, you're stating hem as facts. Just because you got "likes" doesn't mean you're right and just because you have an opinion doesn't make it true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Having resisted the temptation to read your other threads...
> 
> I think your husband's feelings should be considered and respected here when it comes to your son. Of course you're perfectly free to fly wherever you want without your son and deal with the fall out later (not wise but some people really don't feel they need to consider their spouse when making decisions like this.). But when kids are involved,the parents MUST agree when it comes to things like traveling out of the country.In fact, I'm wondering how you'd get your son a passport without your husband's signature? From what I always understood about passports is both parents need to sign for it.I could be misinformed though.
> 
> ...


I agree. I wouldn't do anything to jeapordize our relationship. If the offer comes up again and we don't have the money, I'm just going to tell him "no." If he wants to call me "sheltered" or tell me I need to grow up, that's fine. That's a huge step to take anyway and I don't think he would understand that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I love how you left out the "my guess would be" that I posted before the words you quoted.

The fact you've been trying to tell me and others what we can and cannot post and where just proves to me that you ARE in fact a controlling person no matter how much you want to deny it. But I really don't feel like wasting any more time trying to tell you what I see since you don't want to hear anything that you disagree with. So you can have your wish - I will take my ball and go post elsewhere. Good luck to your husband.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I love how you left out the "my guess would be" that I posted before the words you quoted.
> 
> The fact you've been trying to tell me and others what we can and cannot post and where just proves to me that you ARE in fact a controlling person no matter how much you want to deny it. But I really don't feel like wasting any more time trying to tell you what I see since you don't want to hear anything that you disagree with. So you can have your wish - I will take my ball and go post elsewhere. Good luck to your husband.


I did not claim I was not controlling. You aren't even reading what I'm writing. I'm demanding respect. If that's a bad thing, then so be it. I'm not just going to sit here and let anyone say anything about me
I am allowed to defend myself and request only mature and respectful users on my thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And now your other thread is gone. How appropriate


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I love how you left out the "my guess would be" that I posted before the words you quoted.
> 
> The fact you've been trying to tell me and others what we can and cannot post and where just proves to me that you ARE in fact a controlling person no matter how much you want to deny it. But I really don't feel like wasting any more time trying to tell you what I see since you don't want to hear anything that you disagree with. So you can have your wish - I will take my ball and go post elsewhere. Good luck to your husband.


It's also very telling that the thread referenced has since been deleted. 

Artist, you just joined in December. Unless everything in your (now deleted) previous thread has been resolved, then it's not a dead subject. It gives the "rest of the story" so to speak. It shows how you two interact, or have interacted in the past. Even if it didn't paint you in an unflattering light, it still helps understand your you and your husband are together. That is all Hope was trying to state. She wasn't "stirring sh*t up" from a so-called dead thread. It would have been easier to say "hey, I know I came off as a controlling b*tch in that other thread, but we have since worked through those problems. This is the current issue and I would like some advice." What happened, instead? You blasted Hope for even mentioning it, and then deleted the thread (or threads?)

Still, add me to those who don't think it's a good idea. Your husband suggested saving for a family trip. Work on doing that. You said he has a hard time saving even $50? Remind him of the planned trip.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Artist said:


> I did not claim I was not controlling. You aren't even reading what I'm writing. I'm demanding respect. If that's a bad thing, then so be it. I'm not just going to sit here and let anyone say anything about me
> I am allowed to defend myself and *request only mature and respectful users on my thread.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uhhh... Hope is one of the most mature, respectful members I know here. :scratchhead:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Artist said:


> I am allowed to ... request only mature and respectful users on my thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, in fact, you're not. This is a public forum. The moderators get to decide what is and is not acceptable and who may or may not post in your threads. Well, OK, I'll concede that you're allowed to ASK, just don't expect your wishes to mean diddly. 

Them's the facts.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I love how you left out the "my guess would be" that I posted before the words you quoted.
> 
> The fact you've been trying to tell me and others what we can and cannot post and where just proves to me that you ARE in fact a controlling person no matter how much you want to deny it. But I really don't feel like wasting any more time trying to tell you what I see since you don't want to hear anything that you disagree with. So you can have your wish - I will take my ball and go post elsewhere. Good luck to your husband.


Also, since being a conjunction and a synonym of "because" and "the reason being" makes it a fact or accusation...if you really want to pick your comment apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> It's also very telling that the thread referenced has since been deleted.
> 
> Artist, you just joined in December. Unless everything in your (now deleted) previous thread has been resolved, then it's not a dead subject. It gives the "rest of the story" so to speak. It shows how you two interact, or have interacted in the past. Even if it didn't paint you in an unflattering light, it still helps understand your you and your husband are together. That is all Hope was trying to state. She wasn't "stirring sh*t up" from a so-called dead thread. It would have been easier to say "hey, I know I came off as a controlling b*tch in that other thread, but we have since worked through those problems. This is the current issue and I would like some advice." What happened, instead? You blasted Hope for even mentioning it, and then deleted the thread (or threads?)
> 
> Still, add me to those who don't think it's a good idea. Your husband suggested saving for a family trip. Work on doing that. You said he has a hard time saving even $50? Remind him of the planned trip.


It is resolved, which is why I deleted it. Plus, I am sick and tired of repeating the same **** and I'm not going to keep repeating the same **** every single time I post on here. I got ganged up on and had accusations thrown at me. I was in tears. I knew I was controlling - said it several times on that thread, in fact. I don't need all of the negative comments or misunderstandings/misinterperetations brought up everytime I look for help. We aren't going to save up that much money. He could buy a new car and flat screen tv with that. I can't take my son to meet his gpa and my husband spends any extra we have. No saving, no trip, no problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> And now your other thread is gone. How appropriate


Funny how you noticed. Were you looking for it? How come?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Artist said:


> Also, since being a conjunction and a synonym of "because" and "the reason being" makes it a fact or accusation...if you really want to pick your comment apart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol I consider my hand slapped.

Actually it was someone else that pointed out to me that your thread was gone.

If you want to know who's been looking, check your profile where it tells you who the last ten visitors were to it.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

OP, I don't understand how all of this arguing is going to improve anything for you. If people make your blood boil, put them on ignore. My wife is in a similar family situation, I can't be too specific in case anyone who knows us finds TAM. That means I sympathize with you and your husband both, and that I could probably learn a thing or two from you guys. 

I hope you will disengage from the arguments that upset you and talk about your issue at hand.


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