# Any couples childfree by choice here?



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi everyone,

Wondering if there are any "childfree by choice" couples here? I've known since I was 15 or 16 that I didn't want kids, and dh and I are in total agreement that parenting is not for us. However, a lot of our friends are having babies now, as we are in that age group, and I am starting to feel a little down/confused. I love my life, and it's not as though I want to partake in the whole "having a baby" thing... but it is hard to feel like you are the only one NOT oggling a little bundle of joy. Babies have taken up my Facebook feed, and over time it gets harder and harder to get any face-time with my friends, since their whole worlds are now wrapped around their little ones. 

I guess I am wondering how best to move through this period of life? I am not anti-baby by any means - the idea of parenting in general just doesn't appeal to me in the least. Dh and I are focused on our careers and our hobbies, and we love to travel and have a nice, clean, quiet house to come home to. 

I guess I am just missing my friends, and being able to talk about anything other than their children. I also feel kind of lost... everyone with kids kind of gets a roadmap for the next 18 years of all the milestones they get to look forward to. Sure, I have goals and aspirations of my own, but they feel different. I also feel like some of my friends look at me differently now, because they've made friends with other parents, and they share that common bond. Because I can't relate to what is now the biggest part of their lives, I feel as though the conversation isn't as fulfilling as it used to be.

I love life with my husband, but obviously, he can't meet all of my needs alone. I need a social life, but I am unsure of how to foster one with like-minded people like myself. I have tried to talk to him about this, and have even asked to go out on double-dates with some of his childfree friends, but he has no interest. In fact, he doesn't really have much of a social life (by choice... he says he gets plenty of social interaction at work) and I have found that I am on my own for trying to forge a new social life for myself. Any thoughts?


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## makelle817 (Oct 27, 2013)

I am somewhat in the same situation as you. We are in our thirties and have no children. It did not start out by choice, but for the last while I have felt that I do enjoy my life being child free. I enjoy my independence and being able to do what I want when I want. I also completely agree with the quiet and clean home! I do have my moments of baby hunger but it does pass quite quickly.

My friendships and social life has also drastically changed since all of our friends and family have children or are planning children. I miss the way it used to be, but also love that they have the lives they want. It is hard. I am trying to also branch out and find friendships with the same dynamics as my own life. It is tough!

I guess I don't have any advice...lol. I just wanted you to know you're not alone?


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hey FF,

Originally no, we went through failed IVF last year (I wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster that entailed, grieving for a child not even conceived was an unexpected outcome). Our relationship since then hasn't been strong enough for either of us to be in a place whereby we'd consider trying now.

The positive is that my H loves his job and I love mine. We're in a position to be a lot more selfish with our time than many people we know with kids - there are pros and cons either way I guess. My sister has two little ones I get to spend lots of time with and spoil as auntie so that's where any *mummy love* I have goes to 

I'd probably recommend you try something completely new - possibly with your H even if it's once a week or once a month. My job was originally my hobby so I throw myself into that and visit girlfriends who have babies as and when.

As Makelle says, you're not alone


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## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

I am 30, and my husband is 35. He had a vasectomy 5 years ago. We choose to be human child free (we have dogs, lol). I think for me, had I married a man who wanted children, I would love to be a mother. I had a wonderful childhood, a great older sister, and it is the life I imagined having as an adult. I met my husband just before I turned 14, fell in love, and we married young. During our dating time, I had a school project of flour sack babies, and he went along with it, helped me name them lol. Kid stuff. It never dawned on me to talk about real children in the future, because we were so young, and I thought it's what everyone wanted. When I was 18, we were already married, and purchased a house, I mentioned one day that our brand new 3 bedroom house was going to be the perfect starter home for a family, and he just simply said "I don't want kids". I was devastated. I had NO clue he never wanted children. 

Looking back, I don't regret marrying him. I still love him and the love I have for him is stronger than the love for "potential/possible" children. I wouldn't trade him for the chance of that life with someone else. Some times I get the little baby blues, seeing my friends with their children, wondering what our children could have been like, thinking about what life will be like when we are older and ending up alone. I worry, and get sad. But when I really think of the idea of being a mother, I actually almost gag. 

I can't stand to touch my friends babies. I don't like the mess, the noise, the idea of being tied down. I already feel tied down just with having to find my dogs a baby sitter for vacation once a year and I truly love them. I can't imagine being pregnant, or spending the rest of my life worrying and caring for a human life. I realize now that it's the life I THOUGHT I wanted, because it's how I grew up and I was so happy, but it actually isn't the life I want now. There is a mourning feeling realizing that. It can be confusing, and frustrating at times.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I more than likely do not want children either. It is hard when all your friends are having them and that's all they can talk about. As well as the fact that people for some reason feel the need to judge people who don't want children. Have you thought about looking online for meetup groups? Maybe there's social groups for childless couples? I'd think there would be, as I think you're in a pretty common situation.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Guy here, 48, married for six years, no children.

When I was in my 20s, I thought that I wanted kids, but as I became more involved in various areas of my life, I changed my mind and chose to be child-free. When I met my now-wife, she also said that she wasn't interested in having children and I didn't believe her, but I'm sure about it now. 

I will admit that every now and then, I'll wonder what it's like to be a father, but like fantasies about women who aren't my wife, I don't entertain the thought very long and remember that I'm very content in my present life without children, as is my wife. Instead of kids, we have filled our lives with 5 cats


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I have to commend all of you who have made the conscious responsible decision to not have children if you do not want them for whatever the reason may be. People who have kids and didn't really wish to in the first place make terrible selfish parents. I personally always wanted to have kids and have a four year old. It doesn't make me any better or worse in my opinion, it's really just a choice. Kids are one of the most challenging and scary things to have especially if you didn't want them. I really hate seeing kids born in marriages where one parent didn't really want children but was either socially or family pressured to do it. The kids really suffer for it. 

In face I have a cousin of mine that has poop for brains when it comes to picking men. She got pregnant by this loser and he walked while she was still pregnant. She has a sweet little girl but now the kid will never have a father figure. She met another loser and got pregnant and they separated and her dad (my uncle) has to bail her out yet again with the hospital bills and a place to live. I told my uncle that he should demand that she get her tubes tied since she has proven she cannot responsibly have sex without getting pregnant and brining yet another innocent baby into the world. 

PS: I'm pro-life but believe that if you do not want or not competent to parent, get sterilized.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

^most doctors will not sterilize a woman of child bearing age except for medical reasons. They assume you will probably change your mind because what crazy woman wouldn't want to fulfill her role in having kids? *sarcasm* I can understand it being taken as a serious decision over a long period of time and that it has potential for abuse which would need to be very regulated, but even women who are very sure they do not want children generally cannot have that done from what I know. Yet people don't like abortion. And then they wonder why unplanned children keep being born that have parents that don't care for them.

And you'd be surprised how hard it can be to even get effective birth control if you don't like/can't tolerate the pill for some reason. I was on the pill for years when it was actually very dangerous for me health wise because my stupid doctor had some prejudice about IUDs and didn't even let me know they existed. Even though I asked about other bc options! I now have an IUD, although am trying to figure out if I can continue to handle the bad side effects but have few options besides condoms, and then getting plan B if that fails is such a nightmare. So I do agree people need to be more responsible about having children if they don't want them, which I have seen happen, but it makes me upset that there are more cases of women not being able to protect themselves than you would think, which I've also seen happen. Not to mention the horrendous lack of sex education. Don't do it might be wonderful when your kid is 10, but it's so bad how even young adults don't know how to use bc correctly because they've never been taught. I was lucky that I didn't get pregnant at 18 because I was so ignorant of how to protect myself. So it's not always as easy as "just be responsible". That is sometimes the problem, but actual options and education would help decrease both unplanned pregnancies and abortions.


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## hernpaqa (Nov 4, 2013)

I enjoy my independence and being able to do what I want when I want.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Male here,
Married 18 yrs and child free by choice.
We didn't consciously choose to be child free , but just kept postponing the decision.
I started a business that took lots of time and space.
We were involved in social work, and I basically raised one of my sisters kids, and we did so much more that the years basically flew.

The good part is the freedom it affords. We can do whatever we want.
The con is that we live in a society where childbearing is a form of social currency. Sometimes you are tempted to feel inferior if you don't have kids.
Sometimes I feel regret , but I'm heartened by the fact that we've helped soooo many homeless kids , troubled teens , kids from poor families etc , that our life was not in vain.

But I really love kids , especially babies.

Maybe , we might adopt.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I thought I didn't want kids for the longest time. Looking back on the reasons I think it was mainly for fear of turning into my mother. That and the fact that she always told me having children was a terrible burden. Married a man who had 2 of his own and did not want any more. He did always say that if I changed my mind he would be OK with that.

When I hit 30 I did change my mind. He was not OK with that.

Then his kids came to live with us and the whole issue had to go away as we could not have coped with a baby as well as them.

By the time his kids left home I was firmly of the view that I did not want kids! Which is just as well, because it was getting to be too late anyway.

I do know exactly what you mean about feeling a bit left out; in my case, though I avoid, and always have avoided, friends with small children because that is ALL they talk about. I don't personally feel left out; I feel bored to death. I'm not at all interested in discussing little Johnny's potty habits or whether he should be walking yet. If we go out as a group I am deathly scared of it splitting into men and women chats because the women all talk about their babies.

I guess I have always had some kind of maternal urges even when I swore I never wanted children since I have always had pets and doted on them.

Now my dogs are my kids and that's OK.

As for getting some sort of social life with similar people, I think you'll just have to do some activities that people with children rarely have time for. That way you are pretty much bound to meet childless people. A regular evening activity that you enjoy (babysitters are expensive on a regular basis) or something during school hours (though that is difficult if you work).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We're in our 30's, together 18 years. We haven't gone the children route by choice also. I didn't have that burning desire to have a family either. My husband is agreeable with this too, although we both have commented that we think each other would be an amazing parent. The thought of him being a wonderful father sometimes has me feeling more inclined but usually that feeling is short-lived. I do adore children though.

We have friends who have babies, children, as well as those who don't. One of my dear friends, who's a few years older than me, in her early 40s, didn't have children of her own either and she shared with me one evening some time ago how she found it difficult - just as you are describing. Her friends kept waiting for her to 'join the club' but she didn't. She felt the distance growing as priorities changed and what they once had in common no longer applied. To her own surprise, she ended up marrying a man with two children.

It's natural that your friends will begin to build friendship with other parents and for their lives to evolve differently. That doesn't mean there's not still a place for you though. Obviously, sometimes we do out-grow old friendships. That's okay. 

What have you tried for meeting new acquaintances? It sounds like you need to be amongst other like-minded people. Often that's found through hobbies and/or volunteering. 

When asked whether we have children, I've been quite comfortable for a long time in using self-deprecating humor to reply that I can't even look after a potted plant let alone children ...but lately, that doesn't feel like a fitting answer or maybe I'm just tired of hearing myself say it. I've also been having dreams related to pregnancy. My feeling hasn't changed though. I don't know what's going on!


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

beautiful_seclusion said:


> ^most doctors will not sterilize a woman of child bearing age except for medical reasons. They assume you will probably change your mind because what crazy woman wouldn't want to fulfill her role in having kids? *sarcasm* I can understand it being taken as a serious decision over a long period of time and that it has potential for abuse which would need to be very regulated, but even women who are very sure they do not want children generally cannot have that done from what I know. Yet people don't like abortion. And then they wonder why unplanned children keep being born that have parents that don't care for them.
> 
> And you'd be surprised how hard it can be to even get effective birth control if you don't like/can't tolerate the pill for some reason. I was on the pill for years when it was actually very dangerous for me health wise because my stupid doctor had some prejudice about IUDs and didn't even let me know they existed. Even though I asked about other bc options! I now have an IUD, although am trying to figure out if I can continue to handle the bad side effects but have few options besides condoms, and then getting plan B if that fails is such a nightmare. So I do agree people need to be more responsible about having children if they don't want them, which I have seen happen, but it makes me upset that there are more cases of women not being able to protect themselves than you would think, which I've also seen happen. Not to mention the horrendous lack of sex education. Don't do it might be wonderful when your kid is 10, but it's so bad how even young adults don't know how to use bc correctly because they've never been taught. I was lucky that I didn't get pregnant at 18 because I was so ignorant of how to protect myself. So it's not always as easy as "just be responsible". That is sometimes the problem, but actual options and education would help decrease both unplanned pregnancies and abortions.


I agree wholeheartedly here. No one I have found will offer sterilization for women who haven't already had kids, unless they are much, much older than I (27). I WANTED an IUD and couldn't even have that because my uterus is too tiny. I feel like they offer vasectomies much more freely (which seems so unfair) but dh won't get a vasectomy. I am stuck with no options other than condoms and hope that they don't fail. Sometimes, that's kind of scary because I don't like my odds.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

I have a grown only child. My older sister and her husband chose to not have children. She hasn't indicated a problem socializing with friends who do have children. My sister transfers the attention she would have given a child to my daughter and when the subject comes up with friends, she talks about her niece. My sister is in her late 50s and doesn't speak of regrets not having children.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

FoodFrenzy said:


> I agree wholeheartedly here. No one I have found will offer sterilization for women who haven't already had kids, unless they are much, much older than I (27). I WANTED an IUD and couldn't even have that because my uterus is too tiny. I feel like they offer vasectomies much more freely (which seems so unfair) but dh won't get a vasectomy. I am stuck with no options other than condoms and hope that they don't fail. Sometimes, that's kind of scary because I don't like my odds.


Did you ever seek a second opinion on your uterus being too tiny? That very well might be true, but I do know there are some doctors who are very prejudiced against IUDs. So if you've only ever heard that from one doctor you might want to get a second opinion at a women's health clinic. That's what I ended up doing, as they will refuse you if it's a legitimate health concern but you don't have to worry about unfair prejudices. For example I have one, but it can only be the copper one because I shouldn't be having hormones as I have a high stroke risk. And unfortunately the copper one has more side effects. But the clinic was very up front with me about this, unlike my doctor who kept me on the pill.

Anyway, not saying that's what happened, but since I had that experience I thought you should know about the possibility! And I do agree I feel like I hear about vasectomies all the time. It'd be interesting to know what the stats are on childless men vs women being able to get voluntary sterilizations. I mean I do understand it's been horribly abused in the past, but it seems like checks and balances could be put in place so women can choose to not have children if that's what they want.


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

Appreciate the thread. As huge a decision as starting a family is, I feel like there are very few opportunities for reasonable discussion about that decision.
I'm still not filled with a burning desire for children. Believing that I may never be.
DH and I discussed before marriage that I couldn't promise I ever would feel like it was right for me. He says he's a little worried we'll regret it later on, but that he was more interested in being with me that having kids.
I guess we'll see. 
He's wonderful and I can see that he would be a terrific father. I, on the other hand, am a selfish, crazy lady with all the potential to turn into my own crazy mother! 
Financially, it would be irresponsible to have a kid at this point. Emotionally, it might always be irresponsible for me to be a parent. But we're approaching that age... Well, I am! I guess there is no "that" age for him!


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Most people never realize the pressure that friends, family and society put on a woman to have children. I know there is a Facebook page in support of women who have made this choice.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

My husband and I are childfree by choice. We vascillate on whether we would like kids in the future or not. For now, we want to enjoy our couplehood, travel, and accomplish professional goals. 

I have a 1.5 year old second cousin who is like a niece to me because her mother and I are as close as sisters. I love to spend time with her and dote on her, and I feel very connected to her. But after seeing what her mom goes through with discipline and care, I'm not in any rush to bring her home with me!


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