# I don't know what to do...



## so.confused (Apr 3, 2021)

Hello. I'm new here. I realized I need a place to get other people's opinions on what I'm going through. My husband and I have been married for 13 years this summer. The last 1.5 years we've spent fighting. We've been seeing a marriage counselor for 3 weeks. I've been seeing an individual counselor for PTSD for 2 weeks. Tonight my therapist told me to start writing down boundaries and consequences for my husband. I know there are things I want to change in this marriage so I have a few ideas. One problem is that my husband says he needs boundaries. Another is that whenever I say something about him like how he looks at other women's asses, he says I look at other guys. I don't. This has happened with too many things to list. I'm afraid the list of boundaries will lead to divorce. Even though my husband and I fight, I still love him. 

My husband is quite possibly a sex addict. Up until a year and a half ago, he would go to the bathroom with this ipad and masturbate to porn hub 3-4 times per week. I didn't know it at the time because he would wait until I was asleep. He said it was because I wouldn't have sex with him. He conveniently forgets I was sexually abused as a child. And I did in fact have sex with him. 

He has told a couple of the women he has masturbated to. Why would he do that????? It hurt my feelings. I know both of the women.

He also told me that he likes my cousin's wife. He likes her eyes and her hair. How does he think that makes me feel????

I'm feel like I'm unraveling. He gets mad when I try to set boundaries. He tells me I'm controlling. He tells me he has rights and wants more autonomy. 

I don't know what to.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

A couple of points…
There’s probably a lot of background missing from your story, but the obvious is your husband’s infidelity (telling other women you are masturbating while thinking about them is infidelity).

Frankly a husband shouldn’t need to have his wife set boundaries and setting boundaries that preclude other women is not controlling. It’s asinine to suggest such a thing. Why does he say he needs boundaries while calling you controlling if you set them? Why do you think setting boundaries will lead to divorce?

At times, masturbation can be a healthy outlet but yes, when a spouse is doing it frequently to porn, it can short-circuit their healthy sexual expression. Additionally, telling your wife you have a sexual interest in a cousin’s wife is mean, degrading and designed to make you feel bad._ (why would a husband do that)_

One question I have is, does the fact that you were sexually abused as a child impact your sex life with your husband in terms of frequency or intimacy? You bring this up so it may be important, though certainly not an excuse for his behavior which to me seems appalling. I’d also ask, why do you love him?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Quote

I'm feel like I'm unraveling. He gets mad when I try to set boundaries. He tells me I'm controlling. He tells me he has rights and wants more autonomy. 

I don't know what to. 

End quote 



He wants autonomy? Give it to him. Divorce him - he’s selfish and self centered. He’s embarrassing you on purpose! That’s despicible! 

You do know what to do! You shouldn’t have to BEG to be respected by someone who says they love you! He’s being a complete jerk!


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## Shutterbug2244 (Mar 18, 2021)

If he doesn’t want to hear you out and attempt to compromise your best to be with someone that loves you and respects you.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Are you his wife or his mother? Your last couple sentences sound completely dysfunctional and pathological. And that’s directed to him as much or more than you. He is obviously a huge part of this unhealthy dynamic. But you can’t control him, you can only control you.

You don’t set boundaries for him, you set them for you. You decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. He can choose to respect those boundaries or he can choose not to. If he chooses not to, there are consequences, up to and including divorce.

But don’t play the sexual abuse in the past victim card. Please understand I’m not discounting or minimizing your paint or trauma at all, but if your past sexual abuse is impacting your current sex life with your husband, that’s on you to address.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> (telling other women you are masturbating while thinking about them is infidelity).


I don't think she meant that he told the women he was masturbating to. He told HER.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What your husband is doing by accusing you of doing the bad things he's doing is gaslighting. Next time you're in the counseling with him, tell the counselor about these things and that he doesn't own or acknowledge his problem but instead gaslights you. If you don't know what that is, look it up on google. Liars always do it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Trident said:


> I don't think she meant that he told the women he was masturbating to. He told HER.


I think you're right, I read it wrong...


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