# Finding connection



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

My husband of almost 20 years and I are trying to work through some things right now. Much of it is pretty deep-seeded, and TBH, likely too little, too late. We don't want to act on any actual legal terms until our youngest is off at college next year, so in the meantime, we have scheduled times for tough conversations. We admit that we are both at fault-we are both guilty of not addressing things soon enough. I also know that my husband is much further along in this process than I am, and is less optimistic that we can make significant changes in the coming year. But, we really do try.

In the midst of this, we do have sex. He sleeps in another room, so that inhibits our intimacy a great deal. I find it's really hard for me to really be in the moment, and I wonder if anyone has any advice to offer. I know he's not super attracted to me, so when we are together I often wonder if he's thinking of someone else, or what he's doing to stay engaged. It's tough to not feel like I am being used some days, but I want to try to maintain that physical closeness. I feel like we need that to keep on trying.

Any advice?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What makes you think he's not super attracted to you? Why do you two sleep in different rooms?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He's admitted the attraction part in our talks. He has some demons that are his own and that's part of it. I lost a significant amount of weight during our marriage, and he has some distorted thoughts. But he admits that is his issue.

We sleep in separate rooms for a variety of reasons-I snore, our bed is not good for his back, he just sleeps better alone. Sometimes I slide in with him and stay for the night, but usually we are apart.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

1) Does he have substance abuse issues?
2) Is he seeing a therapist for these "demons"? Volunteer for couples therapy if necessary.
3) Get his blood screened for testosterone level. A low count is notorious for LD. He can we weekly supplements inexpensively.
4) Earplugs would help with the snoring issue.
5) Obtain orthopedic cushions.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Aule. No substance abuse. He's not seeing a therapist, but we have talked about it recently-for both individual and couples. His issues have more to do with my own weight issues over the years. It sounds shallow, but my body has been through a lot, and it's been a lot for him to watch. I'm healthier now than I've ever been, but he can't "unsee" what I've been through. I understand it, but it's his problem, not mine. 

My main question though, really has more to do with how you have sex when you are working on your marriage. We know we have these problems, but I want to make sure we are connected when we are together-I don't just want to have sex. Does that make sense?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What is your reasoning for having sex with him under the circumstances? Are you trying to stay connected in this situation or is it that you want to be with him sexually? 

I imagine it would be very difficult, given the circumstances, to not feel used if his intention is divorce or at the least disengagement.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You can use sex while you work on your marriage. If not, you keep building resentment towards each other and at that point there ain't am MC in the universe that can fix things.

I do not agree about the comments on sleeping separately. When our kids were young (under 2-3) they slept with us in a huge king size bed. On many occasions one of us would take another bed. Never hurt our sex life which was decent back then. Sleeping together has not done much to address our issues..,


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Bothtoonice said:


> He's admitted the attraction part in our talks...


Feeling attracted is a decision. It just doesn't feel like one.

Don't detach. Stay mentally engaged. Have faith.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

We have had a few fairly good days this week, I think. I feel more connected to him, and as it follows, closer to him. The little fear that niggles in the back of my mind is always there, though. Is he just humoring me? Is he so far gone that we can't be saved? (And I have shared that with him.) I know that he knows I feel closer to him, and I am working to do small things to continue to show him that there is an effort on my part. The mere fact that we have had time together shows me the same from him, so that's good. 

So to answer the question about why I would have sex with him...weeks like this give me hope, and that time adds even more to the closeness I am feeling. I don't want to not be with him. I want to make our marriage work. I feel like if we never had sex at all, we would be done for sure.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Bothtoonice said:


> My husband of almost 20 years and I are trying to work through some things right now. Much of it is pretty deep-seeded, and TBH, likely too little, too late. We don't want to act on any actual legal terms until our youngest is off at college next year, so in the meantime, we have scheduled times for tough conversations. We admit that we are both at fault-we are both guilty of not addressing things soon enough. I also know that my husband is much further along in this process than I am, and is less optimistic that we can make significant changes in the coming year. But, we really do try.
> 
> In the midst of this, we do have sex. He sleeps in another room, so that inhibits our intimacy a great deal. I find it's really hard for me to really be in the moment, and I wonder if anyone has any advice to offer. I know he's not super attracted to me, so when we are together I often wonder if he's thinking of someone else, or what he's doing to stay engaged. It's tough to not feel like I am being used some days, but I want to try to maintain that physical closeness. I feel like we need that to keep on trying.
> 
> Any advice?


I know what you are missing....intimacy. And intimacy is based on trusting your vulnerabilities will not be violated. The real deep seated resentments that have festered over time, they do manage to block trust almost completely. You get where I am going .... You both have resentments, perhaps even attachment injuries that need to be honestly healed. You have to find a context to allow the vulnerability to openly address these emotional wounds. This is difficult for two people to find on their own. I have been recommending the "Hold Me Tight" seminars. They work very well if both partners are willing to engage a dialogue. Kindest Regards-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Glad you are making progress. IMO it will take both if you on the same page to rebuild your marriage. He is going to have to overcome his demons, decide to love you as you are, and let the past go. Haveing just recently put in the effort to rebuild my marriage I can tell you that I don't know if I would have even begun it knowing that my spouse was not attracted to me, and probably just having sex with me to satisfy their own needs. You are a good wife indeed. 

Insist that he make he counsoling a priority. I beleive it will be key to long term success given his issues. 

Good luck. Would love to see another success story here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Sigh. I fear I may have spoken too soon. I really felt that we were on a good roll, but suddenly last night, it was like a switch flipped off. When I went to bed and kissed him goodnight, it was like kissing a relative. 

I know even though things felt good for a few days, our underlying issues are still there. I get that. But gosh, it felt good to feel almost normal for a few days. Now he is working tonight and I am home alone and just feeling sad. I question everything when I am home alone. I plan to wait up for him tonight and talk to him about it, but in the meantime, I am just feeling alone and sad.

The roller coaster of this all just sucks.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jung_admirer said:


> *I know what you are missing....intimacy. And intimacy is based on trusting your vulnerabilities will not be violated. The real deep seated resentments that have festered over time, they do manage to block trust almost completely.* You get where I am going .... You both have resentments, perhaps even attachment injuries that need to be honestly healed. You have to find a context to allow the vulnerability to openly address these emotional wounds. This is difficult for two people to find on their own. I have been recommending the "Hold Me Tight" seminars. They work very well if both partners are willing to engage a dialogue. Kindest Regards-
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please take a moment to look at these 2 threads ... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

and this on Resentment...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html



> *Bothtoonice said*: Sigh. I fear I may have spoken too soon. I really felt that we were on a good roll, but suddenly last night, it was like a switch flipped off. When I went to bed and kissed him goodnight, it was like kissing a relative.
> 
> I know even though things felt good for a few days, our underlying issues are still there. I get that. But gosh, it felt good to feel almost normal for a few days. Now he is working tonight and I am home alone and just feeling sad. I question everything when I am home alone. I plan to wait up for him tonight and talk to him about it, but in the meantime, I am just feeling alone and sad.
> 
> The roller coaster of this all just sucks.


....and sometimes all a wife can do is Pray for her husband... he is in the darkness right now -not knowing what he wants, how to get out of it.. you may have to carry him...and show him a better way for awhile..*this will take great courage on your part.*. but until it's over.. it's NOT over.. 

This can't be easy though. Equip yourself to do everything you can do on YOUR END... to be what he needs in a wife..and do your best to have patience with him during this time... only you know where your boundaries are to not feel taken advantage of..or what is too much to bare..


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'm just so very afraid that it's too late. I should have been this scared many years ago, but I didn't want to face it then. I figured everything would just be ok. We let things go so far, and now I am seeing just how bad it is, and even if I am willing to work, knowing that he might have passed that point years ago TERRIFIES me. 

Thank you for your kind words. I am trying. I will be as courageous as I know how to be...regardless of where this takes us.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Have you done any checking to see if there is another woman? Has he said to you, "I love you but I'm not in love with you?"


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I don't know that there is anyone else, but I don't know that there isn't. I don't have access to his phone or email, and I don't have the energy or money to try to entrap him with technology. He cheated once before, and he's smart enough to hide things well. You all know that the trust from that rarely fully recovers. We covered that in MC many years ago, but it obviously needs to be covered again.

We are both responsible for where we are right now, and we have admitted that to one another. We have not given what the other person needs for a long time. If we are to heal, we know we have a very long road ahead. He's just seen the signs more clearly than I have for awhile, and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks whenever I am alone. 

I'm sorry if I am being needy and/or whiny. I'm just overwhelmed tonight.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bothtoonice said:


> He cheated once before, and he's smart enough to hide things well.
> .
> .
> .
> We are both responsible for where we are right now, and we have admitted that to one another. We have not given what the other person needs for a long time.


I hope you are feeling better today.

The two parts above from your post need some examining. Yes, you and he both contributed to a bad marriage. Though not always the case, usually both people are similarly culpable for the dysfunctions within the marriage.

However, his cheating is a whole additional and separate issue. He did that by himself. Regardless of any mistakes you may have made in the relationship, he had no cause to go cheat. That is, you are not at fault for his cheating. It is not on you that he did cheat.

The damage from his cheating is all on him. Which means that where you two are today was created very unequally, and the lion's share of the blame falls on him.

Don't make the mistake of blaming yourself for the poor state of your marriage.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thor, you are right. That particular action was a decision he made. And if there has been anything since then, yes-that's all him. Especially given the state of my life when he choose to do what he did. It was pretty awful, and he knows that. I don't blame myself for that, but I take full 50% blame for where we are right now. 

Everything else that needs fixing between us though... We have not been attentive to one another. We have not told each other what we need. While I have steadily overcome so many things myself, he has been busy building issues that I had no idea about until recently. It's kind of a perfect storm. It's just been building for so long. I pulled info about my EAP today, and actually located his as well. I'm going to push that we pursue some counseling. We have had good talks, but I feel like we need an objective third party. And someone who can work with him on his issues. I know money is a concern, but we both work for good companies with solid EAPs. I need to get this started so that I am not driving myself batsh$t crazy every time I'm home alone.


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