# My wife is giving up on me, what can I do?



## sorel (Dec 30, 2014)

i'm sorry, but i'm going to have to tell the long story. it's my first time in this forum and i'm really lost, so please help me.
A long time ago, i had a girlfriend. She was pretty, intelligent, fun. It took me a while to propose though. I wasn't sure, I guess. We dated for more than five years. And I finally did propose. It didn't lasted that long: a couple of months after, she decided to gave me the ring back.
I've never been a very secure guy... Also I'm not the worse either. I was bullied in school and I don't have a lot of good memories from that time, but with time I managed to come back, to be mildly successful in my field, to realize that I not only could be interesting for another woman, but they might even consider me hot.
Then she came, this girlfriend, and I was finally done. People gave me that look, you know. I would see former schoolmates on the street and they would be surprised. And then it ended and I was back on the floor.
It took a lot to get back. Years. I left my homecountry to the UK, where I had a lot of fun. Girlfriends, parties, things were going well. I was ready to go back to my homecountry when things started happening with this other woman. Since I was leaving, I tried to made it clear that this was going to be something of a moment. But she got me. She is American. She is my wife.
She was brave enough to keep the relationship at a distance at first, when I left to my home country. She came for four months, then I came to the US for a month, then she came back for more and we got married.
We started living in my homecountry. We were very happy, though she never got really used to living there. We were talking about eventually coming to the US, when her mom suddenly died. It was very unexpected and they were besties. I always admired their relationship. It was the kind of relationship that I wished I would eventually had with my children.
We came to the US to the funerals. Slowly our relationship grew colder. There was less sex too. Originally, we were crazy about each other. I don't like talking about sex with friends, but I very briefly mentioned it to one of my best friends and he was like "how can you have that much!!!".
After the funeral, she stayed for a couple of months in the US, then came back. But we decided that we had to move to the US. I came to the US for her, so that she could finally be in her home, she could finally work wherever she wanted, she could finally be as happy as she could be, while she mourned.
I left everything back home: a successful career, friends, family and a city and the weather that I love. Here, I started from zero. I'm doing jobs that I would have done ten years ago. But I was ok with it. I told her, I don't care where I would end up, if it is with you.
We arrive to the US in the middle of 2014. She really wanted to live in New York, so we moved here. But before doing the jump, we stayed in her little town somewhere else. It was difficult. Her dad is with someone else. Their relationship went from being perfect to hell.
In New York, I thought that we could start from zero. But, after less than two months, she told me she was done. The classic "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore".
She had mentioned before to go to counseling, but never emphazised enough. Now we are going, but I'm really scared about it being too late. I feel like she never gave me a chance to win her back. She probably feels like she has given me a chance for the last two years.
Tomorrow is New Year's eve. I'm working until 12. She's meeting some friends after work. She didn't wanted me to come at meet me. That got me bad. I told her that I couldn't spend New Years alone in the apartment. I just can't.
I feel devastated. I'm not a good at crying, but I just spend two hours crying my eyes out. I feel like it is too late. Is there anyway of getting things back? Is there any Hail Mary that I can throw? 
The worst was hearing from her how happy she was when she walk the aisle. She couldn't believe that she was getting me for the rest of her life! Now I can't believe that I can't spend my life with her.
Please help me. How can get her to stay with me, to give me a second chance and to do it right this time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want her back you have to let her go....completely!

What have you done to make her second guess her choices?

What have you done to make her think twice in what she is about to lose?

She has your number and knows you aren't going any were. No matter what/who she does New Years Eve.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Her not wanting to be with you on New Years Eve is a huge red flag that there is someone else.

My point is you can't compete with new love.

Just let her go!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm guessing here but the only chance you have of winning her back is if you become her plan B and the guy she is seeing New Years Eve doesn't work out.

There is no hail mary pass or magic button......you just need to emotionaly distance your self from her and see if she misses you.

It will take time but you will get through this....we all have...it does get better!


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

I think she is depressed. She probably also feels guilty for taking you from your home country, I know I would feel that way. You need to tell her how much that hurt you (the new years plans) and that working things out is very important to you. But if she continues pushing you away there isn't much to be done. There is a point where you stop chasing after a person, but this sounds very recent. Also, if she doesn't change her mind about new years eve, you need to go out. Don't sit in your apartment. You don't have to party if you don't feel like it, you could do anything like see a movie even.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with here ASAP.

There is few things you need final answers to, like.....is she leaving you? When? Is there anyone else in her life? etc.

Has she been hanging out with new friends? Are they married? Are they friends of your marriage? 

Seal the deal if you have to or do your best to fix it (I would start by doing something new/different.....to try to get that spark back).

But you need to get to the bottom of this issue and figure out what is driving her away.

Once you recognize the issue, you can actually work on fixing it (possibly).

Good luck


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Ask her what the problem is. Have an actual conversation wherein you both open up and show real honesty. There is something going on and you need to know what. If she refuses then you are really out of options. There is no such thing as a love potion that I am aware of.

Unless you've left out some significant details of your marriage, it is most likely she just is not mature enough for a long term relationship and the commitment it requires. If she really cares about you at all then she will talk to you about what is really wrong. If she does not she will refuse and that will be that.

If you are homesick, I would recommend going back to your home country and she may, at some point, realize her loss and try to stop you/get you back but it is highly unlikely. Either that or move on with your new life in the states. Sorry you are here and I wish you luck.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She could be seeing someone else. ILYBNILWY is cheaters script.

Anyway, communication is so important in your relationship. Start a conversation.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

As someone who's been on the other side, I think perhaps the best thing to do right now, is stand up to her and say that if she is going to treat you this way, you are going to move on with your life. Waiting at home, depressed while she parties will only make her respect you less. If she is playing games with you and is in some kind of other relationship, knowing that you are moving on will make her second guess herself, but if she knows you're at home pouting she will think she is in control. 

Tell her you're going out with friends on NYE, going to a party, then book a hotel and stay there so she thinks you're out. Tell her you'll meet her again next week or on the weekend. I would have respected my husband more if he'd done this when I had decided I was done. But he waited at home and it's hard to come back from losing respect for your spouse. Very hard. 

Who knows what is going on in her head if she just lost her mother. That is a difficult loss. Give her time but also show her that if she is going to disrespect you, that you will move on with your life. I would have maybe not like to hear but would have respected him for saying: "I love you very much and this is not what I want, but if you don't want to be with me I respect that and will move on with my life as well".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"She had mentioned before to go to counseling, *but never emphazised enough.* Now we are going, but I'm really scared about it being too late. I feel like she never gave me a chance to win her back."

It sounds like you blew her off when she mentioned going to counseling. It sounds as if she did give you a chance and you couldn't be bothered.

Perhaps it is too late and perhaps not. Address this in counseling and see if your dismissive attitude is a problem in the marriage. You can change your attitude. She may be able to fall in love with you, again. Good luck.

P.S. New Year's Eve is just another day. Don't make such a big deal out of it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Keenwa said:


> As someone who's been on the other side, I think perhaps the best thing to do right now, is stand up to her and say that if she is going to treat you this way, you are going to move on with your life. Waiting at home, depressed while she parties will only make her respect you less. If she is playing games with you and is in some kind of other relationship, knowing that you are moving on will make her second guess herself, but if she knows you're at home pouting she will think she is in control.
> 
> Tell her you're going out with friends on NYE, going to a party, then book a hotel and stay there so she thinks you're out. Tell her you'll meet her again next week or on the weekend. I would have respected my husband more if he'd done this when I had decided I was done. But he waited at home and it's hard to come back from losing respect for your spouse. Very hard.
> 
> Who knows what is going on in her head if she just lost her mother. That is a difficult loss. Give her time but also show her that if she is going to disrespect you, that you will move on with your life. I would have maybe not like to hear but would have respected him for saying: "I love you very much and this is not what I want, but if you don't want to be with me I respect that and will move on with my life as well".


So did you finally leave your husband Keenwa ? This is what OP can look forward to ?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

See if this can help:

Articles


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No matter what, DO NOT BEG. It instantly turns women off. 

She's either suffering from culture shock (trying to marry your culture and hers) or else she's found some other guy who's at least hitting on her, if not more. You need to find out the truth. Have you checked her phone records to see if there's one number you don't know that she keeps contacting?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Keenwa said:


> Tell her you're going out with friends on NYE, going to a party, then book a hotel and stay there so she thinks you're out. Tell her you'll meet her again next week or on the weekend. I would have respected my husband more if he'd done this when I had decided I was done. But he waited at home and it's hard to come back from losing respect for your spouse. Very hard.


Oh... so.. by booking a hotel and pretending to be partying, a disinterested wife will respect her husband more? Are you f***ing kidding me? She is out with friends/alcohol and if he 'fakes' partying by making her believe he's 'out' when he is really sulking in a hotel rather than his own bed.. only gives a disinterested wife more reason to cheat. 

If respect was earned by going to a party all night, life would be much easier, eh? To bad, it is not... well, at least to reasonable people, it isn't. 

You want respect? If she wants to finish 2014 without you and start 2015 without you, then match her. Have her start 2015 with divorce papers. Then, she'll see you are f***king around with her. Respect yourself; not your wife who checked out.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

wise said:


> Oh... so.. by booking a hotel and pretending to be partying, a disinterested wife will respect her husband more? Are you f***ing kidding me? She is out with friends/alcohol and if he 'fakes' partying by making her believe he's 'out' when he is really sulking in a hotel rather than his own bed.. only gives a disinterested wife more reason to cheat.
> 
> If respect was earned by going to a party all night, life would be much easier, eh? To bad, it is not... well, at least to reasonable people, it isn't.
> 
> You want respect? If she wants to finish 2014 without you and start 2015 without you, then match her. Have her start 2015 with divorce papers. Then, she'll see you are f***king around with her. Respect yourself; not your wife who checked out.


Yeah if only it were that easy. No need to be disrespectful "wise"... so.. it's better to wait at home while your wife is out partying? I think not. Each situation is different, but once we've lost respect for our partners, it's hard to come back. The reason I posted what I posted was that it seemed like the wife had lost respect for him. If he has doormat syndrome, then yes going out when your wife is being elusive, not wanting you to come join her etc, might be a good way to open conversation. 

Of course if we were all Zen and enlightened we would be in yoga class and not on TAM forum. Right? Anyhow, what is important in relationship is to open up communication but that can only happen if both parties are willing. Sometimes we're so caught up in our own stories that we can't see past them and we walk away from something that could be much better than it is because we serve the divorce papers without thinking. 

I don't believe in the sanctity of marriage, I think life is a journey and whatever path we choose is the right one at the given time. There are no right or wrong answers... But really all we want to avoid is making the same mistakes time and time again. If we don't make an effort and walk away everytime something gets hard then we re-live the same crap every time. 

Yeah either serve the divorce papers or start the communication happening. Those are the 2 choices we have when our marriage falls apart.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

I agree do not beg it never works
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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