# New here...needing advice



## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I haven't been married for very long...my second, her first. 

She had lost my trust when we were dating when she lied and slipped up and forgot to cover the lie.

I made the decision to get remarry and there has been continued deceit, disrespect, and more lying.

She decided to meet up with a guy she doesn't know outside of facebook. I tried to bite my lip when this got brought up in conversation after it happened. I nearly had a panic attack to get away from here asap.

A couple of months ago I found a lighter in her car when I was changing the oil in it. She had told me that she had quit smoking and also professed on facebook that she had quit smoking for 10 months blah blah days..so I confronted her about it. She confessed but didn't own up to the lie and had every excuse in the book about why the lie was necessary.

Not to mention before we got married, she had a habit of bashing me on facebook. I dumped her for it since I have a boundary about dragging personal friends into facebook crap. She had begged me to reconsider and I did. She did it again at the tail end of this week twice. I bit my tongue almost to the point of bleeding, and then I couldn't do it anymore. I confronted her about it. I was met with rage and hostility. This woman is quite passive aggressive and when I made another request to stop airing dirty laundry in public, instead of seeing the damage it does, she decided to delete me. This of which bears similar resemblence to my first marriage to a borderline personality disordered woman.

There are times when she grates on my nerves but I either find something to do or just take a few to chill.

I've never really experienced a healthy marriage so I don't know what to do. Divorce doesn't phase me and if its what I have to do to stop the stress and dysfuntion then its got my vote. She says she wants to fix it but I've heard that before. 

Thank you for anyone who offers advice. Husbands/wives....what would you do if your spouse was bashing you on facebook not to mention you cannot trust them...??:scratchhead:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Diesel,

You sound like you've been around the block. I believe you already know the answers to these questions. Here is what this husband would do.

As for the smokes, it's hard for some to kick it and failure at kicking the habit is common. Though hiding it could be akin to a *teen* not wanting a parent to know. _(This I could work on) _

You know people who love one another don't bash each other in public, not husbands, wives or even friends. FB is over the top with that type of public activity, but it's usually done by *immature adolescents*. _(This would cause a very serious problem in my marriage and would have to come to an end immediately, before the marriage could continue)_ 

Husbands and wives don't date others. Rendezvous with strangers are for *singles* looking for companionship. _(This would have ended my marriage on the spot) _

She's still playing little girl games. She's doesn't understand what marriage means. You need to stop biting your tongue, it only enables her bad behavior. You can't change her, but you can change what you will put up with. You should set boundaries, with clear consequences, and not be fearful of her reactions or losing the relationship because you follow through. If you continue to try and keep the peace, she will continue to disrespect you and the marriage. I'm not saying she will or can change, but at least you will have shown you are not willing to stay in a marriage where only one person in committed. 

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've got a wife who wants her secrets and privacy and even lodes things only singles do .

You've got a wife that you will always be having to have boundary discussions with and always be calling out on boundary crossing.

All that says to me that your wife's priorities are in order: her, her wants, you, her commitments.

And therein lies the problem because her priorities enable her to justify her actions and choices.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> Thank you for anyone who offers advice. Husbands/wives....what would you do if your spouse was bashing you on facebook not to mention you cannot trust them...??:scratchhead:


Wow, once trust is gone - that's a deal breaker in my book. I've had the same trust issues with my husband. Even tho he's gotten better at being transparent, he is still (by nature) a secretive person so I still struggle with the trust issue.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Thank you all for taking the time out to reply.

And yeah you are right. I know what the answer is. I understand that kicking cigs is not that easy but I wish she would quit the game its not lying unless you catch me.

I guess I need to really put the work into not fearing losing the relationship. I'm 31 and she's 23, I'm too old to play high school teenager games.

When I bring up ending the marriage after her tirade about how I need to treat her like a princess, and basically breaking it off in my backside, thats when the rage turns into dispair. "Well can't we work on this?"

Again, I very much appreciate the insight and the direction I need to be thinking and preparing for.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When people tell you who they are they are doing you a major favor. Believe them. Before you married her, she showed you she was a liar. She also showed you she had contempt for you, that she was vindictive and would humiliate you in public. You married her anyway. You're seeing the same behaviors now that you did before you got married. You bought an orange and once you got it home you're surprised to find out it's an orange? Your wife is exactly what you picked out. If you wanted better you should have picked better.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I would tend to agree with your reply. And normally that's my mantra when dealing with people. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck....

But I thought that giving her another chance and that it is possible for people to change after they've experienced enough pain to want that change. 

Regards.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> This of which bears similar resemblance to my first marriage to a borderline personality disordered woman.


Diesel, just how similar is that resemblance? Have you considered the possibility that you've married a second BPDer? I ask because, when abused spouses have not learned how to spot the red flags for BPD, it is common for them to run right into the arms of a woman just like the one left behind. 

Those of us who are strongly drawn to BPDers tend to be excessive caregivers whose desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). Indeed, we even have trouble distinguishing "being needed" from "being loved." That is, we have difficulty realizing that a woman truly loves us unless she sorely needs us. This is why we will walk right past all the emotionally available women (BORING) until we find a woman who desperately needs us and projects great vulnerability ("catnip" to us).

I therefore ask whether your current W exhibits most of the following traits at a strong level?


1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, excessive smoking, drug abuse, or spending binges);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## thatgirl12 (Mar 18, 2013)

My husband is a straight up ashhole and I don't even bash him on facebook. Just delete the thing, it creates problems and there is little to be gained by it except for a small bit of social interaction. If smoking bothers you WHY did you marry her? Many people rebound and start smoking again. I tried giving up caffeine and nearly lost my mind.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

My best guess is the current wife is heavy on the narcissistic side. She does have some borderline characteristics but I'm on the fence about whether she too is a borderline. She posts pictures of herself on facebook on a daily basis, craves attention, and has thoughts of grandiosity. My ex wife and her show the same things as far as drama and the damsel in distress. She can also praise my name in the morning, and scorn me at night. Again she does have some borderline qualities. I frequent the shrink4men website as a tool to better myself and my WTF guage.

My point about the smoking is not that she smokes, it was the fact of the matter that she has a problem with telling the truth. Like I said, earlier in the week she had posted that she had been smoke free for 10 months etc, and I found a pack in her car that weekend. That's where I have the problem is the dishonesty and then she will try and rationalize it as if its still the truth.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

DB you are wrong about quitting the cigs....my wife a pack a day smoker and smoked the weed when i meet her. i told her i wont make her quit but she had to smoke outside and not around my kid. 1 day later she told me she was quitting (we lived apart at the time just started dating) 7 years later she has not had a puff of either. she said it was super easy. point is they have to WANT to quit or they never do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you don't want to play high school games, don't marry someone just out of high school. And if you find yourself in a similar situation to your first marriage, have you looked at the common denominator?

Having boundaries is great, but you need to be clear about them and then enforce them. Otherwise, they'll constantly be tested.

And she cheated on you, you forgave, and the hill you're going to make a stand on is her saying things about you on FB?

How long have you been married?

C


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Been 4 months. I'm not really taking my stand on the facebook "look at me I'm a victim" bashing she does. I thought I could let the whole "gee I met up with a stranger I only know from facebook that just happens to be a guy" thing go.

But I can't. Matter of fact I'm severly pissed off about it. I resent her for doing something so incredibly stupid.

I also have issues with the lying and sneaking. That adds fuel to the fire about why I simply cannot trust her and a reflection of very poor character. And it eats...and eats...and eats some more. I pay the entire house mortgage, all the utilities, insurance, and this is what I get in return.

I negotiated with the repo man who wanted to take her car a deal so he wouldn't take it....that one cost me almost $1k....I could go on with the list of sins but its irrelevant.

Bottom line........this is high schooler crap and I made a poor judgement of character, amplified by being legally attached to someone that I would of dumped by now if we were just dating.


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