# Website monitor/keylogger



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I keep catching my H lying about porn, and I'm really sick of it. It's not the fact that he's watching porn, it's the lying and the fact that our sex life is awful. I got called into work yesterday, and when I came home the computer was on. He ran over to the computer to try and delete something from the history. I saw him do this and he blew it off. He didn't succeed in deleting it, so I saw the porn (which he is aware of). 

I've been telling him how important sex is to me. Many of you have seen my posts and know that we have the sex life of a senior citizen couple. I would've liked to have sex yesterday, but he felt the need to take care of himself before I got home from work. Anyway, he is a pretty good liar, and I am considering divorce. I would like a simple program that just lets me see what websites are visited. I don't need to monitor every keystroke or anything. Are there any free programs? If I buy something online, it would have to be done by credit card, and he monitors all credit card purchases and payments. My goal here is to try and communicate with him calmly about the state of our marriage. If he really wants to try (which he says he does), then actions will speak louder than words. Lying is not going to improve our marriage, so if he is insisting that he is not looking at porn and I find out otherwise, then I have some decisions to make. I can't bring children into this mess, and I'm not staying married unless we are going to have kids.


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## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

Another free option is K9 Web Protection from BlueCoat. These people make corporate internet filtering devices and software -- we use their stuff here at work.

K9 was released as a personal filtering program as a sort-of public service by BlueCoat. Easy to install - blocks the crud out of most anything you want. Logs everything under the sun, and without the admin password, tough darts.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

On a separate but related note, let me ask you this: why do people lie?

People lie because they perceive it is not safe to tell the truth. The crazy thing about being in a relationship is that in situations like this, where it is clear and incontrovertible that the other person is the jerk, you are still the one who has to make it safe for him to tell the truth.

Men lie about porn when they know we don't like it and when they are ashamed or embarrassed or in some other way "one down" about masturbating. 

You can put a keylogger on the machine and catch him lying to you, confront him with the evidence, divorce him, etc, but that still isn't going to solve the fundamental problem, because you will someday find yourself in another relationship with a man who is masturbating and probably looking at some porn. And then what are you going to do?


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for the replies everyone. So if he is lying to me, it is something that I caused him to do? I don't have a problem with masturbation. It's the fact that he chooses masturbation and porn over me, and has done so for years. Sex once a month at age 32 (with no children) is not the kind of marriage that I want. I have told him that it's not the porn that I have a problem with, it is the lying. Trust and communication are key. I have told him we need to work on our relationship before we start a family. He totally agrees with me, and then the lying continues. There is nothing shameful about masturbation, but a sexless marriage is a problem.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

software and web blockers are only a solution to the symptom of the problem. If he can't view it online he will find other ways of getting to it. What you two need is some counselling. Not defending him but he at least admits there is a problem and the family needs work.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I'm not saying that it's something that YOU caused him to do. Look again at the question: why do people lie? People lie because they perceive it's not safe to tell the truth.

When people don't feel safe to tell the truth, they lie. That's it. So the question for you really is, what can you do to have your husband feel safe enough to discuss your sex life openly and honestly? You happen to be there in the marriage. 

In my experience we don't make much progress in a relationship until we shift from a scorekeeping, "my fault/your fault" context to a partnership context.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

goincrazy said:


> I keep catching my H lying about porn, and I'm really sick of it. It's not the fact that he's watching porn, it's the lying and the fact that our sex life is awful. I got called into work yesterday, and when I came home the computer was on. He ran over to the computer to try and delete something from the history. I saw him do this and he blew it off. He didn't succeed in deleting it, so I saw the porn (which he is aware of).
> 
> I've been telling him how important sex is to me. Many of you have seen my posts and know that we have the sex life of a senior citizen couple. I would've liked to have sex yesterday, but he felt the need to take care of himself before I got home from work. Anyway, he is a pretty good liar, and I am considering divorce. I would like a simple program that just lets me see what websites are visited. I don't need to monitor every keystroke or anything. Are there any free programs? If I buy something online, it would have to be done by credit card, and he monitors all credit card purchases and payments. My goal here is to try and communicate with him calmly about the state of our marriage. If he really wants to try (which he says he does), then actions will speak louder than words. Lying is not going to improve our marriage, so if he is insisting that he is not looking at porn and I find out otherwise, then I have some decisions to make. I can't bring children into this mess, and I'm not staying married unless we are going to have kids.


Why bother? You already know he is viewing porn and he knows you don't like it. You can make the decision right now.

When you discuss it with him, the discussion should not be whether or not he is viewing it (because he will say he isn't), but why he is and how if affects your relationship.

I would hope that the decision is to seek counseling for both of you.


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## aedilis (Jun 28, 2010)

I got a chance to read the rest of your posts that you've made on here. Here's my thoughts on the matter. They are honest and probably not what you want to hear, but here goes.

So my question to you really is this. Why aren't you divorcing already? You say he's a great liar, he doesn't want to have sex with you. You wonder about having a friends with benefits relationship. You talk about how awesome the next guy is going to feel after you rock his world sexually. It sounds to me like you're done, so why aren't you leaving? What's stopping you?

All I see in the posts that you have made is a woman looking to either justify her having an affair or looking for a way out of her marriage. If all of this is as you say, then why bother with a keylogger in the first place? You know he looks at porn, he knows he looks at porn. So why take all the time and energy so you can throw it in his face? Are you planning to use it in your divorce as some means of leverage or to show you're respective friends that you're not in the wrong here?

IF you really are looking to try to work at saving your marriage, you really should go to counseling to discuss the reasons why he hasn't been attracted to you lately. I'd say that if I was constantly being called a liar and being shamed for looking at porn or being hounded to have sex all the time when I wasn't in the mood, it sure would cause me to be defensive/aversive towards being intimate with that person.

My first impressions based on what you've written in your postings is that you're already out to lunch on the attraction vibe. I may be wrong, but it's all I have to go on based on the information you've posted so far.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Spying on him will only make the situation worse and make him more secretive and careful about covering his tracks.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

If you are looking to catch him looking at porn and use it as proof for legal grounds of divorce, it will not work.

He may be looking at pornography since things may be stale in the bedroom. Have you two ever talked about likes and dislikes during foreplay and sex? Talking directly to him about pornography is not getting down to the real problem. What exactly has been going on? Be honest with yourself and be honest here if you are seeking advice. 

Have you two been fighting about anything else? Has he made any innuendos about what he likes during foreplay? If you two really talk, he has to try to avoid pornography for a few weeks and masturbation. It could be a cycle that he created with pornography: he is used to the fake women and scripted sex, causing him to only be able to perform while watching it. Have you even taken the step towards counseling? 

Not just marriage counseling, but also sex therapy?


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Resonance said:


> He may be looking at pornography since things may be stale in the bedroom. Have you two ever talked about likes and dislikes during foreplay and sex? Talking directly to him about pornography is not getting down to the real problem. What exactly has been going on? Be honest with yourself and be honest here if you are seeking advice.
> 
> Have you two been fighting about anything else? Has he made any innuendos about what he likes during foreplay? If you two really talk, he has to try to avoid pornography for a few weeks and masturbation. It could be a cycle that he created with pornography: he is used to the fake women and scripted sex, causing him to only be able to perform while watching it. Have you even taken the step towards counseling?
> 
> Not just marriage counseling, but also sex therapy?


I did mention counseling to him today, and he thinks it's a waste of money to tell a complete stranger about our problems. I've told him that I like to receive oral (and don't mind giving as well), but he doesn't like to go down. I would talk to him about avoiding porn and masturbation to see if our sex life improves, but he won't even admit to looking at it. We go weeks without sex, and this has gone on for years. I have built up a lot of resentment and have lost my attraction to him, which is not shocking. We do fight about other things (I have posted in other areas of the forum). I guess spying on him isn't the answer. I just wanted to see if he was still lying to me constantly or if he really wanted to work on our marriage like he says he does. I wouldn't throw the "evidence" in his face or hound him, but I wanted to see how serious he is about working on the marriage.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

goincrazy said:


> I did mention counseling to him today, and he thinks it's a waste of money to tell a complete stranger about our problems. I've told him that I like to receive oral (and don't mind giving as well),* but he doesn't like to go down. *I would talk to him about avoiding porn and masturbation to see if our sex life improves, but he won't even admit to looking at it. We go weeks without sex, and this has gone on for years. I have built up a lot of resentment and have lost my attraction to him, which is not shocking. We do fight about other things (I have posted in other areas of the forum). I guess spying on him isn't the answer. I just wanted to see if he was still lying to me constantly or if he really wanted to work on our marriage like he says he does. I wouldn't throw the "evidence" in his face or hound him, but I wanted to see how serious he is about working on the marriage.


You might suggest him using plastic cling wrap or a dental dam so oral is easier for him. it won't solve your problems but it might help a little to get yourself some pleasure.


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