# Confused left behind husband (1st post)



## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Hello everyone,


My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, and together for 6 years total. I'm really crazy about her, and to this day I think she feels the same about me. Over the years, we have had our relationship struggles just like any other couples. Her core issue with me is that she cannot trust me. She has given me so many chances over the years. My dishonesty stems from a continuance of using alcohol/tobacco behind her back as well as conflict resolution. She stopped years ago, and I was supposed to follow suit. However, I didn't and tried to keep it from her. She always said that If I just told the truth it would be better than lying, she insists! I tend to be distrustful to avoid arguments because I grew up in a verbally abusive household.

On July 3rd she found out I was keeping something from her and she stopped talking to me for the entire month of July. She gave me the silent treatment and treated me as if I were a ghost around the house. I could not get a word out of her. 
Two weeks ago she moved out of our home into her new apartment. 

Other than our classic huge arguments, we get along great (so I think) and love each other much. She told me before she left "I'm tired of being hurt, I'm choosing me". Since then, I've started individual counseling since she refuses to go, and of course I'm here with you all. It's been really difficult, I'm having a hard time holding things together.

When my WAW left she LEFT BEHIND all of the stuffed animals, cards, and wedding paraphernalia at home with me. However, she DID take her wedding rings with her. I find that interesting because she did not wear it a month before she moved out. I expected her to leave it here. I'm confused, but hopeful. I have no idea if she's actually wearing it because she's gone. Thoughts?

For the first time in two weeks I seen her today and we talked. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said if she did she would have already filed. I told her that I would continue to honor giving her space until she is ready to contact me. When she does it would be to tell me if we're getting a divorce. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your smoking and drinking are not the reason she left. They're not. Those are just convenient excuses. 

Go by her apartment on a random late Friday night and I will wager she will have a dude there with her.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I asked those questions plenty of times Bandit and she assure me that was not the case. I really do believe her, I hope I'm not being to naïve. She states that it is a lack of trust.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rally said:


> I asked those questions plenty of times Bandit and she assure me that was not the case. I really do believe her, I hope I'm not being to naïve. She states that it is a lack of trust.


They always say that. 

Just try it. This Friday, drop in at her apartment, late and unannounced, on some made-up reason. Report back to us.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Lol, Bandit I cant do that right now. I have other methods to confirm if this is the case. My whole worry is the "in-limbo" status. Im still shell-shocked right now. Trying to hold myself together. Hour to hour its a struggle.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I hope I'm wrong. But the reasons she gave you for walking out were...well...just hard to swallow...

Again, I do hope I'm wrong, but when something smells fishy, tomcats will be hanging around.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I hope I'm wrong. But the reasons she gave you for walking out were...well...just hard to swallow...
> 
> Again, I do hope I'm wrong, but when something smells fishy, tomcats will be hanging around.


I was in the same situation. Another man is in the picture. I couldn't believe either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

rally said:


> I asked those questions plenty of times Bandit and she assure me that was not the case. I really do believe her, I hope I'm not being to naïve. She states that it is a lack of trust.


It's possible that she thinks that you may be hiding more than your alcohol/tobacco habit or that you might.

Try taking her at her word and asking what you can do to rebuild trust. Assume she's just whacking you on the head to get your attention. Try appealing to her with some humility. Confess all and wait patiently for her to give you a second chance.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you ladymisato. I have been trying those things lately. My problem is I won't have many opportunities since she's moved out. They space thing too. How long is too long not to contact? I'm having a hard time with that concept. Problem is that whenever she is ready to communicate the bottom out fate will be determined. Anyone else been on the wrong side of the limbo game?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

rally said:


> Thank you ladymisato. I have been trying those things lately. My problem is I won't have many opportunities since she's moved out.


How about a long romantic letter to her?



> They space thing too. How long is too long not to contact? I'm having a hard time with that concept. Problem is that whenever she is ready to communicate the bottom out fate will be determined. Anyone else been on the wrong side of the limbo game?


You have to assume that this is as it appears, she's angry that you abused her trust. (If she's got a boyfriend, as some suggest, it's not something you can fix.) How long can she stay angry? Does she have any history of being angry for days, weeks, months?

Right now she has imposed a separation. You will have to wait to see what she decides to do. Aside from my suggestion above, there is really nothing you can do. You have to wait for her to return.

It's very likely that how you feel right now is what she intends. She's punishing you. Take it like a man. Wait for her. Be the lovesick fool in this drama.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I understand it's gonna be tough but I have to wait. Thanks to everyone so far for responding


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If my old lady wanted me to quit chewing and drinking I would help her pack then get to a lawyer all in the same day.

I love my wife but if she loves me she will work together as a team not as individuals.

How dare your old lady emotionally black mail you...what kind of support is that?

With a spouse like that who needs enemies?

The way I see it your emotional baggage from your youth is just a "get out of jail free card" for your chick.

And she is using this card to the hilt......sorrry bro your chick doesn't give a crap about helping you thru this.

Granted you *do* deserve consequences, yet your chick isn't even sticking around to issue them.

I can tell you this, if the other guy doesn't work out she will come back even if your still smoking and drinking....And it will be "to help you thru this".

If she does come back to help you thru this I would call bull crap...she could have jumped at the chance to help you now...instead she took her own hall pass and it might not work out for her.....thats what I think!

Why the phuck is she trying to change you any way?

At the end of the day, if your chick wants to stop using and doesn't want to be around someone that does well good for her...my issue would be if she comes back and your still using, now that's messed up.

To end this rant if you stop using well good for you, just don't count on her coming back.....I have a feeling you have been replaced.

Even if I'm wrong...stopping for someone else doesn't work any way!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are a backup plan. She's not doing a blessed thing to make her marriage work but she hasn't filed for divorce. Explanation for this is that her focus is on some other dude at the moment. She isn't sure it this new thang will take the bait or not, so you and her stuffed critters are back at the crib just in case it doesn't work out. 
You can't tell anyone to break an addiction. You can encourage them to do so. A promise to quit being addicted to tobacco, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, or whatever because Sugar Britches says so is a stupid, non-valid promise. The best any addicted person can say is they will make a serious effort. 
Either you are her husband or you are not. If you are, she needs to behave like a wife. If she can't bring herself to do that she needs to take herself to an attorney's office. I suspect she took the rings because they are worth cash. 
Why might you have kept your drinking and smoking a secret from her? Oh, I dunno. Maybe it's because you've known her for six years and you knew you would be dragged through flaming, broken glass if you admitted being human. Maybe you suspected she might behave like a child and not speak to you for a damned month! Occurs to me that in many cases, when folks are not truthful with us, it's because we have created conditions where they can't trust us with the truth.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@ The Guy & Unbelievable, 

Your posts are hard hitting and honest, but I like them and they give me a different perspective. They kinda make me feel angry towards her. She friggin walked out on me! I really try not to think there is another dude in the picture because that would infuriate the living **** out of me. I mean this women has a nice 2 bedroom suburban home, late model car, money issues are laughable/we both do very well financially.

Before she left today after picking up the dogs, I asked did she still love me/in love with me, share the same interests/values. All yes, so we haven't grown apart. I mean this women is was my first true GF which led to a marriage. Hence, I have ZERO experience in this type of situation. I feel like you all have listened to me more than she has. For that TY!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Listen if there is another man she will not tell you. She is keeping plan B around.
Just because you file it doesn't mean you are divorced right away it will take months.
Being a doormat is not attractive.
You just might shock her out of the fog.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> @ The Guy & Unbelievable,
> 
> Your posts are hard hitting and honest, but I like them and they give me a different perspective. They kinda make me feel angry towards her. She friggin walked out on me! I really try not to think there is another dude in the picture because that would infuriate the living **** out of me. I mean this women has a nice 2 bedroom suburban home, late model car, money issues are laughable/we both do very well financially.
> 
> Before she left today after picking up the dogs, I asked did she still love me/in love with me, share the same interests/values. All yes, so we haven't grown apart. I mean this women is was my first true GF which led to a marriage. Hence, I have ZERO experience in this type of situation. I feel like you all have listened to me more than she has. For that TY!


You haven't grown apart?:scratchhead:
She moved out!
She is playing you.:slap:


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Maybe my love tinted glasses are clouding my vision. She'll swear up and down that she still loves/in love and there's no other men. Also that "this is not what I necessarily want to do". It's hard to think rational when you think everything is your fault. That's where I am right now...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> Maybe my love tinted glasses are clouding my vision. She'll swear up and down that she still loves/in love and there's no other men. Also that "this is not what I necessarily want to do". It's hard to think rational when you think everything is your fault. That's where I am right now...


I get you are grasping for any kind of hope but this will get you nowhere.
Tell her in a few days "You know what I have other plans how about if we save money on lawyers and divorce through mediation."
Her reaction will tell you everything.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Bro I just want this to be over, she just needs to express to me her wishes so we can move forward together, or so I can start the grieving process and move on. Maybe I'll use that little trick in about 2 weeks if we're still in this situation. I don't understand women


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rally said:


> I don't understand women


No....you don't. 

But she understands you. 

She's got you pegged, and knows how to manipulate you. 

Do what you think is right. I'm telling you, this isn't going to end well.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

rally said:


> Bro I just want this to be over, she just needs to express to me her wishes so we can move forward together, or so I can start the grieving process and move on. Maybe I'll use that little trick in about 2 weeks if we're still in this situation. I don't understand women


You'd rather get this over with a divorce than suffer a while in limbo? Think hard about that one.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@ Lady, no


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I dunno, I have been mad plenty of times at my husband but never would have walked out on him and get my own apartment. Unless there was a good reason for me to do so (other guy) whose got my back. Those are silly excuses she gave you for leaving. What kind of wife just picks up and leaves over something that you are trying to stop? Where is her support for you? It all just doesn't seem kosher to me. I think those reasons opened the door for her to walk out...best of luck to you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

They always swear there's "no other men."

She didn't take the wedding rings for sentimental reasons. They are valuable and she can hock them for cash if necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What you are going through is normal we are not bashing you we just have seen this play out over and over.
Glad you are here.
Read other threads in CWI also.
It will get better.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@ Lady, but am I really this naïve? I could never imagine there to be another dude involved. This may explain some of her behavior; however, I believe her and never had a reason not to. Im just opening my eyes to new theories. Who the h** does this kind of thing?!


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I know you all are not bashing, I don't feel that way at all. I welcome all theories and advice. Im inexperienced in this area, If I were comfortable with my answers I wouldn't be here. TY all again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Rally there is a brain chemical high like drugs when one cheats and when they start well they are chasing their last high.
Even an ea will do it not just a pa.
Again look at your clerk of courts website and print out divorce papers get a few free consults with attorneys in your area to get an idea.
Start responding and stop reacting.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

rally said:


> @ Lady, but am I really this naïve? I could never imagine there to be another dude involved. This may explain some of her behavior; however, I believe her and never had a reason not to. Im just opening my eyes to new theories. Who the h** does this kind of thing?!


Look, I can't tell you she's not cheating on you. That's one possibility but even if it's true, rushing to divorce before you have any basis for suspicion accomplishes nothing.

Much, much more likely is that she's really pissed and wants to torture you. The men here are goading your ego. If you indulge your ego you might get some emotional satisfaction but not much else.

On the other hand, if you turn the other cheek and be a gentleman she will eventually be sated and she might, just might, even regret her overreaction.

Women can be cruel.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ladymisato said:


> Look, I can't tell you she's not cheating on you. That's one possibility but even if it's true, rushing to divorce before you have any basis for suspicion accomplishes nothing.
> 
> Much, much more likely is that she's really pissed and wants to torture you. The men here are goading your ego. If you indulge your ego you might get some emotional satisfaction but not much else.
> 
> ...


Lady there is that possibility that she isn't. However he does not have an obligation to just sit around and wait forever.
OP Pi's are expensive. Do you have a good friend who can follow her for a few days you two can figure out the payment.

And get the books "No More Mr Nice Guy" and...
"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What did she find out you were hiding from her the last time? And what kind of alcohol issues are we talking about?

C


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@PB, some tobacco. No hardcore alcohol issues at all. Now when we were younger we partied hard and I did a few stupid big things. That's why she doesn't want me drinking again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> @PB, some tobacco. No hardcore alcohol issues at all. Now when we were younger we partied hard and I did a few stupid big things. That's why she doesn't want me drinking again.


I know where PBear is going so for the record... have you beat her I'm talking more than once.
Don't kill me but it has to asked.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Rally,

Sorry for your situation. What to do and when to do it? First off you need to identify the real issue in order to get out of this hellish limbo. Follow the good advise of previous posters to determine if there is another man. If so, the proper response is lawyer up immediately, protect assets, serve divorce papers, implement the 180, and go dark on her. The last three simultaneously. Don't tell her you're getting divorced, let the serving of the papers do your talking. 

Show her you are a man, not a doormat and you won't be trifled with. No wishy washy pleas for reconciliation or groveling, or discussing your "situation." If there is a chance of reconciliation it will have a better chance to succeed after this has happened. Remember, if there is to be a reconciliation it must be on your terms after you have shown her you will not be cheated on. Nonnegotiable. 

If you determine she left because of other excuses you must be truthful with yourself and decide if you are really willing to change to save your relationship. If you change for her you might resent it later and lose the relationship anyway. You must implement self improvement because YOU want it. Ideally, you will want to improve yourself. 

If so, you need to man up, own your flaws, and improve yourself or resolve whatever issues identified in the marriage. Either way, you must man up and work on your issues to better prepare yourself for the loss of or the rescue of your marriage. It will also help in future relationships with either your wife or another woman, so this is what I recommend. 

I sense your wife smells your fear of her discovering your failings and this fear is more repelling to her than the failings themselves. If you reconcile with her you must be brutally honest with her on your improvement regimen. It will show her you are a man and not afraid to own what you really are. If you have minor failings she should not be too shrewish to rub it in your face. If she does you may not want her after all. People who do this are often hiding a worse flaw anyway, hence our suspicion that she is cheating on you. 

I also sense you could be somewhat oblivious to issues your spouse deems important. Listen to her very carefully and ask non threatening questions to clarify her issues. Respond with positive actions in place of words as much as you can. All this, assuming she is not cheating. Good luck.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Never put my hands on any women in my life. Wasn't raised that way and don't believe in it. Now, I have done some embarrassing things when we were younger b/c of alcohol. I.e. being arrested for public intox or blacking out


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Gold advice from everyone! Better than the counselor being paid for! I love all the different perspectives given here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> Never put my hands on any women in my life. Wasn't raised that way and don't believe in it. Now, I have done some embarrassing things when we were younger b/c of alcohol. I.e. being arrested for public intox or blacking out


Cool the other stuff we were all young
Thanks for sharing.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Yeah, so many stupid things that she was fed up with that lifestyle. These days it's the tobacco. Completely different addiction. More physical and harder to kick. Using's not the issue she smoked for 10 years. Its always my dissolution of conflict by half truths to avoid conflict. I'm in counseling now to address how to fix this communication barrier

Well I'm about to hit the bed guys/gals. I'll be back on tomorrow to give you updates. If you have anything else to add please do and Ill respond asap.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> Yeah, so many stupid things that she was fed up with that lifestyle. These days it's the tobacco. Completely different addiction. More physical and harder to kick. Using's not the issue she smoked for 10 years. Its always my dissolution of conflict by half truths to avoid conflict. I'm in counseling now to address how to fix this communication barrier
> 
> Well I'm about to hit the bed guys/gals. I'll be back on tomorrow to give you updates. If you have anything else to add please do and Ill respond asap.


Goodnight
These are called sh!tests and you failed them.
I'm going to bed also others smarter than me will chime in.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm saying this more and more these days...

_What kind of phone does your wife use?_

If it's an iPhone, do you have the user ID and password for her Apple iTunes account? If it's an Android, do you have the user ID and password for her Google Play account?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

she has an iphone, I have no idea what her username of login ID is


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I do know the gmail/yahoo accounts however, but I shouldn't be snooping.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

rally said:


> I do know the gmail/yahoo accounts however, *but I shouldn't be snooping*.


Really??


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rally said:


> I do know the gmail/yahoo accounts however, but I shouldn't be snooping.


Oh....

Oh man.....

You have drunk the Oprah cool aide my friend.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

rally said:


> I do know the gmail/yahoo accounts however, but I shouldn't be snooping.


You should rethink this. Unless you enjoy the "hell limbo" you need to go into detective mode immediately to determine if there is another man. Other folks on this forum can help you with the detective work... listen to them. How you should respond to this whole situation depends entirely upon if she's cheating and until you determine this you will stew in the bowels of hell. Get it? Good luck.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

rally said:


> @ The Guy & Unbelievable,
> 
> Your posts are hard hitting and honest, but I like them and they give me a different perspective. They kinda make me feel angry towards her. She friggin walked out on me! I really try not to think there is another dude in the picture because that would infuriate the living **** out of me. I mean this women has a nice 2 bedroom suburban home, late model car, money issues are laughable/we both do very well financially.
> 
> Before she left today after picking up the dogs, I asked did she still love me/in love with me, share the same interests/values. All yes, so we haven't grown apart. I mean this women is was my first true GF which led to a marriage. Hence, I have ZERO experience in this type of situation. I feel like you all have listened to me more than she has. For that TY!


When someone's actions don't match their words, ALWAYS believe their actions. Is she behaving like she loves you/she's in love with you, shares the same interests,etc? The fact that she went a month without talking to you in your jointly shared home and she then moved out to her own address would be clues. She isn't geographically separated from you because of work or necessity but by her choice but she wants to pretend you two haven't grown apart? How much farther could you be? You have a piece of government paper and an overpriced ring and at present, that's about all you have.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

You guys are right I do need to find out. I just don't want to get caught. Someone pm me please about how to go about this. I'm sure she doesn't have any privacy settings on her email. I forgot to mention she locked me out of the phone account I can't see her activity but she can see mines. I've been wondering if she has access to my text messages. Is this possible with verizon?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rally said:


> You guys are right I do need to find out. I just don't want to get caught. Someone pm me please about how to go about this. I'm sure she doesn't have any privacy settings on her email. I forgot to mention she locked me out of the phone account I can't see her activity but she can see mines. I've been wondering if she has access to my text messages. Is this possible with verizon?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Locked you out? Isn't that interesting.

Are you seeing a pattern emerge?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Yes I do, unfortunately
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

No not at all Lila. I don't think she's prego, in fact I know. We've always planned it but it wasn't gonna be anytime this year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rally, if we had a dollar for every betrayed spouse who came here and swore their precious spouse would never, ever do anything like cheating....that there was just no comprehensible way they could ever stoop so low and do something so cruel...because their spouse was just "not that kind of person", we could collect enough money to build a hospital.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Rally, if we had a dollar for every betrayed spouse who came here and swore their precious spouse would never, ever do anything like cheating....that there was just no comprehensible way they could ever stoop so low and do something so cruel...because their spouse was just "not that kind of person", we could collect enough money to build a hospital.


You should tell her today you demand access to the account.
There are no secrets in a marriage.
If she has nothing to hide...

Again tell her you want to do a shyster free divorce then observe her reaction.
Limbo sucks.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh....
> 
> Oh man.....
> 
> You have drunk the Oprah cool aide my friend.


Come on, it's none of our business if our W is cheating on us.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Lila, I've never thought of it that way. Could be why she's considering things. All I know is that if/when she decides to come back I might have moved on. That could be a real possibility! I don't know how I may feel. I won't be anyone's doormat, I feel stronger today than I did last week. I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I honestly don't think this thing will drag out for months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Your in the marriage version of "the friend zone". I suspect there's a long list of trust issues with your wife that got you there. Sending her a love letter is the most mushy wimpy thing to do, and will only reinforce her attitude. 

There's a lot missing here. Is your house in order, do you fix things when asked? So you answer her when she asks for leadership?

See the thing is women are covert communicators. So when she says "I can't trust you" it could mean a world of other things. 

Her actions say, "I'm done. I'm moving on. I don't want to hurt your feelings too much"

In fact you need your ego more than ever on this one. It's time to dig deep and find out who you really are. 

As a man you control commitment. In my house there are intolerable offenses. No intimacy. Infidelity. And not occupying the marital residence. If my wife does any of those, I don't need her and she's gone. Why would you want a wife who isn't around?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Btw, rally, you might find some help here.
> 
> Operation Investigate - Marriage Builders® Forums


No! No no no. Stay here Rally. Marriage Builders is run by communists.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rally said:


> Lila, I've never thought of it that way. Could be why she's considering things. All I know is that if/when she decides to come back I might have moved on. That could be a real possibility! I don't know how I may feel. I won't be anyone's doormat, I feel stronger today than I did last week. I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I honestly don't think this thing will drag out for months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You'll have ups and downs. Right now you're strong but that may not last. Especially if you find out she's got another man on the side. Just steel yourself for it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No! No no no. Stay here Rally. Marriage Builders is run by communists.


Sorry, wrong link...

I meant to post an article about why it's ok to snoop.

I'll edit.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Dont read too much into the wedding rings. My STBXW left hers behind when she left. Guilt maybe? who knows? 6 months later she wanted them back because they were considered premarital property. I wonder who told her that? Doesn't matter whether I kept paying for them for a couple of years after we were married. I should have sold them right away to pay for marital debts. If she is not living with you in the capacity of being your wife, move her stuff out. Do you really want another mans leavings? 

Commit this to memory!

"As a man you control commitment. In my house there are intolerable offenses. No intimacy. Infidelity. And not occupying the marital residence. If my wife does any of those, I don't need her and she's gone. Why would you want a wife who isn't around?"


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Hopefully we can agree on something by next month. Hopefully by my bday in two weeks we'll have something in stone. Again thank you for everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The only reason I'd lock my wife out of my phone account would be if wished to keep my calls secret from her. Now, what sort of calls would she need to keep secret from you? She working for the CIA? Maybe she's planning a big surprise party for you? She's secretly Bat Girl? More likely she's yacking it up with someone, probably someone with a penis.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I can't believe I didn't get a call, not even a text on my birthday today. It's been hard to enjoy it for sure. I broke down and text her that I at least expected some kind acknowledgement. No response yet. The hurtful thing is she's at a friends birthday party at this moment. Wtf, I mean our separation was not nasty. I feel the hate so strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> I can't believe I didn't get a call, not even a text on my birthday today. It's been hard to enjoy it for sure. I broke down and text her that I at least expected some kind acknowledgement. No response yet. The hurtful thing is she's at a friends birthday party at this moment. Wtf, I mean our separation was not nasty. I feel the hate so strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


rally she may be at the birthday party with her new boyfriend.
Time to detach sorry man.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I'll say happy birthday to you! She isn't worth the fight............


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Tom that's a little harsh bro, I might be reaching to believe it without evidence ya know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Thanks love lost!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> Tom that's a little harsh bro, I might be reaching to believe it without evidence ya know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude I'm just sayin.
Have you gathered any intel?
How long do you want to be in limbo?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Tom, no I haven't. I have access to email accounts and haven't seen anything out of the ordinary. We talked on my bday night but only after I called no left a message and she called back. We talked about 20 minutes, and she didn't mention divorce but said "it hasn't been that long" and she wanted to be by herself right now. I assured her that I'll give her space. How long is too long for no contact? It kills me that when I look at he social media account that it looks as if she's having fun. I have an inner issue with NC because I feel that if I wait too long to push the issue that she'll forget about me and move on. All I think about is her. I can't stop, I mean, I live in another home with a supportive friend and the ride home from work reminds me everyday that my life is altered at the moment. The ups and downs are worse than dying it seems at times :-/ I know I sound weak, but I'm love sick people :-(


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Block on social media. Stop talking to her.

Quit smoking. It causes progressive erectile dysfunction by destroying small blood vessels.

Have you separated your finances?

File for divorce. By being her option you degrade your sex ranking. 

She is all but gone.

You need to live life without her.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Long walk, 
I thank you for your contribution to my thread. However, I want to reconcile with my spouse. To answer your questions, I have stopped using tobacco and our finances are partially separated. She has her own rent to pay. I don't understand why you think she is all but gone? But what do I know? That's why I'm here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The person who wants the relationship less has all the power. As long as you want to reconcile and are an option for her that she takes for granted, you will be unattractive to her. To raise your worth in her eyes is an emotional hurdle.

Read Bagdon's thread.

You need to at least show that you are not dependent on her for your happiness. Think about it. If people are going out or making an invitation list, they think of friends who are fun. The people who are depressed and passive are forgotten. Sad but true. So you need to change your self image.

You can do it.

Don't contact her. Don't tell her you love her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Fantasy does not make reality.

Protect yourself and attempt to move on.

That will not make reconciliation impossible. What it will do is drive off your neediness and prepare you for teh whatever the future may bring.

Wallowing in her lack of interest in you will only result in more pain.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

rally said:


> Long walk,
> I thank you for your contribution to my thread. However, I want to reconcile with my spouse. ....


You can't....only she can reconcile, if she wants to, and she obviously doesn't want to.

Face it...you're hoping that, given enough time, she may change her mind and be willing to give it another shot. OR, you're hoping that by do certain things (you're hoping that somehow, you will figure out what these "things" are) you'll be able to convince her to come back to you.

Both of those scenarios make you look WEAK. You gotta approach this from another level.

How did it feel when she didn't even contact you on your birthday? You FAILED, and contacted her, while she was out living it up at a party for someone else. WEAK.

Women are not attracted to weak. In fact, it's the biggest turn off.

Have you read any of the books people have been recommending? MMSL, NMMNG, NJF? Get on that, dude.

You have to implement the 180 TODAY! No contacting her. No texts, no phone calls, no emails. Pack up all her crap and move it into the garage or basement...when she contacts you, tell her she can come pick it all up. She'll make a shocked comment after you tell her this, so just say you don't have time to talk to her anymore, and you're moving on with your life. Take down her pictures. Hit the gym, hard. 

BTW, smoking and drinking is personal choice, and NOT dictated by your spouse. Is she your mom? Are you her child? If you had SERIOUS issues with drinking, then I could understand the concern...and I would expect the spouse helping you through that, not leaving like a baby, pissed off that they didn't get exactly what they wanted. No, I think there is WAY more than "you smoking/drinking".

Also, that fact that she smoked for 10 years makes her a hypocrite. My ex was similar to this...after I quit, she STARTED smoking. I eventually started again, and then she quit and demanded I quit too. Hypocritical. 

BTW, that party she was at while ignoring you on your birthday...were they all sitting around, sharing bible scriptures?? Somehow, I bet that she's fine with everyone else at the party drinking and smoking...it's a control issue, but certainly not the REAL reason she left you. There's more to it than that.

She's gone. She's left you. She'e also left you as back-up, plan B, and you jumped right into those shoes. What a big ego boost for her, and yet how cruel of her. 

Wake up, 180, concentrate on you, and avoid contact with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

rally said:


> Tom, no I haven't. I have access to email accounts and haven't seen anything out of the ordinary. We talked on my bday night but only after I called no left a message and she called back. We talked about 20 minutes, and she didn't mention divorce but said "it hasn't been that long" and she wanted to be by herself right now. I assured her that I'll give her space. How long is too long for no contact? It kills me that when I look at he social media account that it looks as if she's having fun. I have an inner issue with NC because I feel that if I wait too long to push the issue that she'll forget about me and move on. All I think about is her. I can't stop, I mean, I live in another home with a supportive friend and the ride home from work reminds me everyday that my life is altered at the moment. The ups and downs are worse than dying it seems at times :-/ I know I sound weak, but I'm love sick people :-(


Come on man....why are you letting someone have this much control over you?

Letting her go will at the very least get her to start thinking twice in what she is losing.

She knows you ain't going no were...why the phuck should she change?

Letting her go at the very least will get her to second guess her choices...and thats a start!

When she sees you moving on she will contact you soon enough....so please...move on!!!!

Once she sees she no longer has this control over you and you go dark she will contact you.

No matter what do not contact her...she will contact you soon enough. as far as how long...well that depend on how long her and her new boyfriend break up.

Once she gets used enough she will fall back to her security blanket...at that my friend is you. Give it time and soon she will be looking for a true friend.

If you want any hope in saving this you will wait for her to contact you first. 

I'm curious, how long were her past relationships before you came along?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The more you chase her the faster she'll run. Go dark. No contact at all. Start concentrating on you. 

If I were you I would go see a lawyer. Get a free consult and see what your rights in the divorce would be. Knowledge is power. You will feel better for it.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Hey bandit, can you pm me please?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Lots of new developments have transpired since I posted last week. I update you all tonite when I have spare time. Again, I want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well?
Dyin of curiosity here....


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Rugsweep.?.?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Hi everyone, sorry about my being prompt with my update. I've been consumed with many things.

Well after a few conversations with the wife about 2 weeks ago, I definitely got the feeling and confirmation our marriage was over. She told me she was planning to file for divorce in the upcoming weeks. The day after that last conversation I retrieved a "simple non contested divorce package" and filled it out, separated our insurance, and phone bills, and moved thousands of dollars into my new account. Well... she called after getting wind of the money gone and proceeded to curse me out. We talked through some things and really expressed our emotions for the first time in months. Too much to say over this post, but we came into an agreement that we will have a trial separation of 4 months with some contact. 

In the meantime, I will continue some therapy for some deep childhood issues that I've compressed and held inside for years, and let alcohol get the best of me. I recently told her about my deepest secret and she was disappointed I never told her, but she told me she wasn't giving up on our marriage. I'm relieved, but still apprehensive at the same time. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in between this time, and anything can happen. However, I'm comfortable with this situation. Thoughts?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who requested some contact?


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## angel kate (Sep 13, 2014)

Try taking her at her word and asking what you can do to rebuild trust. Assume she's just whacking you on the head to get your attention. Try appealing to her with some humility. Confess all and wait patiently for her to give you a second chance.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Rally,
I'm going through a very similar situation. My husband walked out on me and said it was because of my trust issues and drinking. It's been about 4 months and I feel like I'm in limbo. It's a terrible feeling. He will not file yet but he keeps saying that he's not changing his mind. He too, said there was no one else but who knows. He says he still loves me but doesn't think he can get past the things I've done in the past. Anyway, I agreed to a trial separation. I told him I would stop drinking and recognize my limit and also try to trust him fully. We're trying counseling even though he doesn't really want to. He's been nice, but I think that is only giving me false hope. 

Confused(left behind wife)


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

rally said:


> Hi everyone, sorry about my being prompt with my update. I've been consumed with many things.
> 
> Well after a few conversations with the wife about 2 weeks ago, I definitely got the feeling and confirmation our marriage was over. She told me she was planning to file for divorce in the upcoming weeks. The day after that last conversation I retrieved a "simple non contested divorce package" and filled it out, separated our insurance, and phone bills, and moved thousands of dollars into my new account. Well... she called after getting wind of the money gone and proceeded to curse me out. We talked through some things and really expressed our emotions for the first time in months. Too much to say over this post, but we came into an agreement that we will have a trial separation of 4 months with some contact.
> 
> In the meantime, I will continue some therapy for some deep childhood issues that I've compressed and held inside for years, and let alcohol get the best of me. I recently told her about my deepest secret and she was disappointed I never told her, but she told me she wasn't giving up on our marriage. I'm relieved, but still apprehensive at the same time. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in between this time, and anything can happen. However, I'm comfortable with this situation. Thoughts?


So.....

She says she going to file for divorce, you are the one who takes action and actually files, and the moment she finds out that you are moving money to protect yourself financially she goes ballistic on you, _then_ she wants to talk and eventually agrees trial separation so _she_ can decide whether she wants to be with you or not and in the meantime have access to the bank accounts and have her bills paid.

Have I got that right?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@PreRaph, yes, but it was breakthrough conversation. I hate that it took all of that. It was not my intention for it to happen that way. I was truly going to move on. I send her an email every Sunday outlining the things discussed in counseling, AA meetings as well as reflect on my past mistakes in our relationship. The day after that conversation I did return half of that money. Some may say I'm stupid, and I may be. After I disclosed my childhood sexual abuse, she told me she was disappointed that I could never be honest about something so important, and that our relationship was built on lies. She also followed up with "I'm not upset but hurt I guess, but I'm not giving up hurt moving on" I don't quite understand that statement. I understand the doubts you may have with this... The childhood abuse is why I drank a lot. The problem was I was very dishonest about it over the years.

My email from today was pretty thorough. She acknowledged that she read it and asked If I could meet her in a couple of days so she can return some things which belongs to me. This really has gotten my mind wondering in all different directions. I asked her if she changed her mind about our separation. Maybe I'm overanalyzing that text message. I haven't gotten a response yet.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Who requested some contact?


I did.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> My email from today was pretty thorough. She acknowledged that she read it and asked If I could meet her in a couple of days so she can *return some things which belongs to me. *This really has gotten my mind wondering in all different directions. I asked her if she changed her mind about our separation. Maybe I'm overanalyzing that text message. I haven't gotten a response yet.


Returning your things. That is a clear signal that she has not reconsidered.

Don't chase her.

Your best chance of reconciliation is to not have contact with her and make her think you are moving on. 

Are you still FB friends? No matter, make sure you are active. Work out. Be social with the guy friends that she likes/respects. Do you have couple friends? Do stuff with them. Don't whine or be needy. Doesn't raise your sex ranking.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I received some clarifications about my belongings. Those items are legal documents regarding my vehicle and such. She did make it known that we are on the same page regarding our trial separation. However, my antennas are still up and I know anything can happen between now and a possible reconciliation. I'll continue therapy and work on myself.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stop communications. You had pets together? Dogs? She took them? Let her have them.

If she does contact you, never be the one to start a relationship discussion. Do not ask her if she has reconsidered. She has to feel that you are moving on before she will maybe feel desire.

Don't be hostile or angry.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Man oh man, the fact that I seen her yesterday set me back. I feel like day one all over again. I went against my better judgment and poured my little heart out over our 30 minute face to face. I've did a lot of self reflection today, and I'm very angry by the way I've been treated this summer. However, there are still things that give me hope that she's having second thoughts. For instance, I after all this time, I wonder why she hasn't filed? Still has my pictures and on her facebook hasn't changed her relationship status, and she reads my emails and saves them. In retrospect, she moved out, didn't call me on my BD, and separated all of our finances. I want to move on but I'm truly torn and that is just as agonizing than anything. Some say that she may be truly moving on but loved me and doesn't know how to tell me or make it final. I believe that if she made the moves she has and hasn't filed yet, that's she's in her own limbo status about the situation. I'm clueless.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rally said:


> Man oh man, the fact that I seen her yesterday set me back. I feel like day one all over again. I went against my better judgment and poured my little heart out over our 30 minute face to face. I've did a lot of self reflection today, and I'm very angry by the way I've been treated this summer. However, there are still things that give me hope that she's having second thoughts. For instance, I after all this time, I wonder why she hasn't filed? Still has my pictures and on her facebook, and she reads my emails and saves them. In retrospect, she moved out, didn't call me on my BD, and separated all of our finances. I want to move on but I'm truly torn and that is just as agonizing than anything.


Do you have your car back!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I had my car the entire time. It was just paperwork regarding the car.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't beg and expose your heart like that. It undoes your chances of R.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Don't put yourself in a position to get strung along as plan B until she gets to decide on her own time.

She only stopped in her tracks when you rocked the boat by showing you were willing to file for D.

Be proactive, reinforce your social circle and start hanging out with your male friends.

Stay upbeat. Exercise.

Time to show her you have options.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@ beyondrepair,
I'm currently doing all of those things that you've suggested and there making me get through this a little easier. As in reference to me not pouring my heart out, I'll try not to be so forthcoming. Here's where the issue lies: You see, my wife has been wanting me to go to counseling for years. I didn't go, or I would finish and continued to use the same negative coping mechanisms. Now that I'm in counseling, she has agreed to be open and hold off our divorce while I'm receiving professional help; and monitor these changes while in limbo. How can I not be so forthcoming about my changes in my limited interaction with her through email exchange without crossing boundaries? I mean, she cant physically see these changes. I have to be so transparent about what's going, thus my words become so emotional that I do cross boundaries sometimes.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to keep a cool head and not so piney for her. There's nothing attractive about a husband who is weak. Get yourself together and pay attention to your drinking and other issues. Fix yourself first.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

rally said:


> @ beyondrepair,
> I'm currently doing all of those things that you've suggested and there making me get through this a little easier. As in reference to me not pouring my heart out, I'll try not to be so forthcoming. Here's where the issue lies: You see, my wife has been wanting me to go to counseling for years. I didn't go, or I would finish and continued to use the same negative coping mechanisms. Now that I'm in counseling, she has agreed to be open and hold off our divorce while I'm receiving professional help; and monitor these changes while in limbo. How can I not be so forthcoming about my changes in my limited interaction with her through email exchange without crossing boundaries? I mean, she cant physically see these changes. I have to be so transparent about what's going, thus my words become so emotional that I do cross boundaries sometimes.


Keep working on you for yourself. She will sense it when she interacts with you.

This is an uphill battle, and you must be willing to lose it. Remember that. 

Don't hand her your power trying to reason or niceing her back.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Rally

You are getting played. 

Do not accept yourself as Plan B.

She most certainly has another man and this separation is so she can tell her friends and family she tried everything to save the marriage. 

You need to get control of your life back. 

The 180 needs to be your new bible.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@ Roselyn, I can assure you that I'm completely committed to working on my drinking. I'm going through a great AA program now. @Buttpunch, I don't agree that there's another man but I don't have any solid evidence so this may be legit. In my case, what I don't know cannot hurt me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

rally said:


> @ Roselyn, I can assure you that I'm completely committed to working on my drinking. I'm going through a great AA program now. @Buttpunch, I don't agree that there's another man but I don't have any solid evidence so this may be legit. In my case, what I don't know cannot hurt me.


What you don't know can and will hurt you. It's called limbo. It's called one person working on a marriage without the other. No chance of success. Just pain and suffering. 

Do whatever it takes to find out what your up against. If you can confirm that there is no one else, then you can sit around and pine for her. (sarcasm) 

I know it stinks but there are too many red flags for you to ignore. She may be just crushing on somebody and is separating to maybe pursue him. If that is the case, you need to know and crush it before it gets too far. 

I truly am sorry you are going thru this. I know exactly what it feels like.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It appears this thread is linked with others. Dude you seriously need

to file for D. Don't say you will file, just file. You will get a response, trust me.

To save a M, it takes two people. I don't see two people trying here. You know,

she will never miss you while you are sitting at her door accepting crumbs.

When you take control of your life, she will most likely become upset.

When she lashes out, berates you, say "I'm sorry you feel that way."

If it continues, repeat above comment. Third time, hang up.

To this day, I never knew if my X cheated or not....it did not matter. Walking

out on the M did it for me. 

If you still have a desire to save the M (I hope you don't), it is best to

expose the affair. Do your detective work, take advice from Gus or Weightlifter 

about phone data. I was in limbo for about a month. I went down the rabbit hole

for several weeks. I stepped away from everything and I saw it so clear.

By the time the 60 day wait was up, she wanted to date, talk, etc.

Until you take control of your emotions, nothing will change.....nothing.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

I don't know if I've stated this before, but I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer in which is tomorrow. It's a consultation about the possible divorce. I want to protect myself in this scenario. However, I feel that if she does file, it'll be non contested and without the courts mediation. I say that because we have split everything down the middle. She still hasn't filed, and told me last week that "I'm not wasting my time by keeping her in the loop of my progress through counseling". I ASKED THAT QUESTION. If she didn't care and wasn't open then why would she tell me that? If there wasn't a chance of reconciliation, I feel this would be over by now. Thoughts? I'm doing the 180, but still have hope. It's not over until the ink dries.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Being in limbo is a pure form of he!!. Many times if one holds out

enough, they may come back. When everything is rugswept, that 1-

gives the WAS a green light to leave and do this again and 2-the BS

will develop resentment as time passes. When a M is poisoned with

resentment and no respect....where is that leading to?

If everything is already split, get a DIY divorce. Cost in TN was $184.

Continue IC. Continue the 180. Observe @ 50k. And I know you

don't want to go NC with her but....try it.

NC is a must for a reason. Hang in there....it does get better


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

How many dudes do we see come through TAM trying to see hope in things the WW/WAW does or says?

The truth is that the only way there is any hope in a situation like this is when they give full transparency, say they are sorry for how they've treated you and the marriage and come right out and say "I love you and want to work on this marriage". Until you hear this it is over. There is no guess work to this.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

rally said:


> I don't know if I've stated this before, but I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer in which is tomorrow. It's a consultation about the possible divorce. I want to protect myself in this scenario. However, I feel that if she does file, it'll be non contested and without the courts mediation. I say that because we have split everything down the middle. She still hasn't filed, and told me last week that "I'm not wasting my time by keeping her in the loop of my progress through counseling". I ASKED THAT QUESTION. If she didn't care and wasn't open then why would she tell me that? If there wasn't a chance of reconciliation, I feel this would be over by now. Thoughts? I'm doing the 180, but still have hope. It's not over until the ink dries.


Sounds like Plan B territory while she explores the wilderness.

She knows you arent going anywhere. Prove her wrong.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Oh man... 

You've been cheated on, dumped, disrespected, manipulated and are now being played. You'll continue to be a sucker for a while, but eventually you'll see through her bullsh1t.

Your wife ain't no keeper. My advice: Divorce her and never look back. She's ain't worth it. No one is.

She might care for you, but that's not enough to be a wife. Fire her.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Thanks to all who have contributed to my thread. I have received tons of information and various opinions. What I want you guys to understand is my wife left me because of my behavior. (I'm in IC addressing now). She didn't leave me because she wants to cheat or be with anyone else, and at the moment I don't know if she's doing these things or not. The point is, I'm not trying to push her further away by threatening divorce or behaving the opposite of our separation agreement. Lately, I feel like that's the advice I've been receiving. You all can rest assure, that I AM stronger because of the sound advice you've bestowed on me. I don't take that for granted. I thank you all for that! I'm appearing stronger in my limited interaction with her. Every story is different; however, everyone on these boards share a common goal, and that's to reconcile with their spouse. I think I may step away from posting for a while and just until something more groundbreaking with my situation develops. I don't want to deteriorate my situation by acting on emotions opposite of my goal.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you quite alcohol and tobacco use?

Do it for yourself. Do not mention it to her. She will detect it in any case if she is interested in you.

How do you spend your time?


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

@Longwalk, yes I have. I've been attending AA up to 3x per week for the past month. I've really enjoyed their guidance, and wish I was smart enough to do so earlier. I haven't even thought of drinking since. She is aware of this, but its going to take some time for her to believe that my actions will stick. I've done a lot of hurt to her once trusting heart. I'm addressing the underlying issues in IC which led to my heavy drinking. 

I don't have much free time as I'm a fulltime nursing student. I'm in a sponsored program through my employer who still pays me my full salary while I attend school. I cant ask for any better. At least I can be grateful for my professional future.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You might read Harken Bank's thread. He is under pressure to quit drinking. You might be able to help him.


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## rally (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you Longwalk.


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