# Rough Time... Just Need To Vent



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just having a rough night and need to vent. I can't sleep, can't eat, and every waking (and sometimes the unawakened) hours I spend wondering what he is thinking, how he feels about me, what the future holds for us and a multitude of numerous other insecurities. My brain just won't stop, my heart feels heavy with sadness and confusion...

I an hungry and starved for his attention and interest. Tears come to my eyes as I think about how badly I want the contempt and negativity gone. Every snide comment, ever hour of silence, every opportunity for reconnection missed; for every effort I've made to please him, interest him, engage him and fell flat on my face, or ended up starting a fight instead. For every tear that I cry and every intentional act of disdain he's ever shown me - I hate myself more.

I "know" that I should find validation from within, I know I should first love myself if I want someone else to love me, but why is it so damn HARD. How could I possibly love myself when every day I am shown and treated in such a way as to be made to feel worthless and unlovable. When total strangers get the mere courtesy of "How is your day going?" "Thanks, I appreciate it!" Or, "It seems like you feel ___." For every act of engagement he shows others and not me I want to pull my hair out. I want to scream and yell and cry. I want so badly for him to know how I feel and allow me the chance to talk about it, without him accusing me of "looking" for things to fight about. They say you should discuss issues when you are not fighting and are calm, but he sees this as me stirring up trouble.

I hate that I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I don't have him to listen and care anymore. Why? Because I wanted him to be sober. I "took" his addiction away from him (his current recollection of events)and now he can't stand me. He resents me for my "controlling" nature when he had a f***ing CHOICE and made it on his own recognizance, at that! I never bullied or pressured him into being sober. I wanted it, yes, but I never "it's me or the pills" even though I should have. It was so meaningful to me that he had wanted it for himself at the time, and of course he doesn't recall that now.

I hate that he walks past me like I'm a ghost. I don't exist. He doesn't touch me, acknowledge me, (except, on the rare occasion, to ask me to move out of his way). He doesn't look at me or speak a word.

I hate that I feel so ugly, unattractive and repulsive. We rarely have sex, now he has begun to reject me. If we do have sex, it is only what he wants, and there is no emotional element. If I tell him I need the emotional element, he will either explain his view that sex is "animistic" or that he finds it distracting. Expressing love for your wife in the throes of passion is distracting?  It's like his own little world, and that world only includes about 6 inches of my flesh.  He won't kiss me like he used to. Just a peck if I'm lucky. He never says "I love you" unless I say it. Oftentimes he'll say it back, but with a sigh or a roll of the eyes. No matter how well I dress up, take care of myself, try to be charming, intellectual, show interest in his interests, our "conversations" fall short. He's a "yes" and "no" kind of guy. He rarely elaborates or makes an effort to continue the conversation. The harder I try the meaner he gets. "Do you have a problem with silence?" YES I do when it's ALL I ever hear!!!

I hate that I have so many faults for him to criticize. It does seem like I don't do anything to his liking. He is so stingy with praise, affection, words of affirmation and compliments. I feel like such a loser when I tell him this, as he replies with "Sorry I'm not good enough" "Why don't you find someone else to give you those things" and, his favorite, blame-shifting: "I don't feel loved, either" or changing the subject/passing me off - "Why don't you talk to a friend or counselor about how you feel." I KNOW it's ME!!!! I know I can only feel these things if I let myself, so why do I let myself? Yes, he is Mr. Perfect and does everything right. Except show me he cares. Probably because he doesn't, right?

I know he's "sick" but I take little comfort in that. I can't seem to tell myself that I'm great and he's the one with the problem. I chose to marry him, the problem is mine, too.

If only he knew the simplest, smallest things he could say or do that would help me feel better about myself, and help me to feel like a worthwhile person, help me to feel like I have value and importance in his life, if only he knew how much it would mean to me.

I'm unable to self-soothe and it makes me so depressed. I don't know who I am anymore. 

/end rant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have anything of value to say this morning, just wanted to offer up a hug for you and your baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Have you ever written him a letter saying all the things you write here. And ask him to write you back a similar one to what he has against you. You never know you may see improvements.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I "know" that I should find validation from within, I know I should first love myself if I want someone else to love me, but why is it so damn HARD. How could I possibly love myself when every day I am shown and treated in such a way as to be made to feel worthless and unlovable.


Nothing worthwhile and of real value comes easy. Of course it's hard, because you have too many negative "tapes" playing in your head. You are also are with someone who reinforces those "tapes." As long as the pain of staying doesn't exceed the pain of leaving, you will be stuck.

People here have given you their take on your situation. That's all they can do. You can stay with this guy and keep posting how he treats you like crap, but when you do nothing proactively to change what you think, there's not much more anyone has to say. 

If you want to stay with someone who makes you feel worthless and unlovable, that is your right. I don't think hubby is going to change much, from what you've said.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Good morning, Cherry.  Thank you. How have you been doing??

Accept - I keep a lot of stuff inside my mind, as I know he gets overwhelmed and dismissive if I try to approach him with these things anyway. 

Prodigal - I know I must sound like a broken record. I apologize. 

I was just venting, it's all I can do at this point to blow off a little steam when I'm experiencing anxiety.

I really don't know "how" to change the way I think about myself, let alone know where to start. Perhaps this is something to bring up in IC.

I don't want to give up on him. I have taken proactive measures, and I am in counseling. I'm doing what I can within my means at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Princess,

Your husband is a drug addict. You know that the drugs are his first love. You come way after that. Why do you keep this up? There is no saving a marriage with a drug addict. He broke the marriage vows a long time ago with his chemical lover, he keeps breaking them and will continue to do so.

What are you going to do to get your life back on track?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I feel a little stuck. I've never had this difficult a time leaving a relationship before, and with my husband the difficulty lies in the fact that, unlike my exes, his abuse isn't overtly obvious. So, it kind of falls into a gray area for me - one that I know I am not happy, but I am just not sure what this "level" of mistreatment warrants. If that makes any sense. In other words, am I breaking my vows by not sticking this through with him, or am I enabling him by staying. It's so hard for me to objectively differentiate the two here, and this obviously is the reason I am so conflicted.

I know that if I were to leave him, he'd go on to abuse more, and his health and mind would continue to suffer, as he has no concept of what he is doing to himself. When I stay I limit his abilities to procure and use - but does that make me controlling? If he is not using everyday, does that mean his use is recreational, and not addiction? I need help with these sort of thoughts. I am well aware of my co-dependency, but what do I do with this information, and HOW does the process of growth begin?

When I think back to the eight months he was sober, I have fond memories. I want those times back!!!

As stated, I am in IC to help me sort through my mind and my anxieties, and until I get that sorted, I can't really make an informed decision on how to proceed.

I know he's going through a rough time, and he's had to make a lot of adjustments as well. I know he's not perfect, none of us are. I don't expect him to be - I just want to be with person underneath all this mess, and I'm sure he feels the same about me.

I know you guys are trying to help, and I really appreciate it, I'm just not sure WHAT I need to be doing to move forward, aside counseling. 

Specific suggestions would really be helpful to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I understand the feeling of ambiguity.. after all the abuse/neglect is not as obvious as a spouse who is beating you senseless. I've been through it. It's crazy making because it feels hard to draw a line in the sand. And to someone outside of your situation it's clear, very clear.

Until your husband gives up the drugs there is no hope of fixing your marriage. You are now in co-dependent/enabler mode.

What else can you do? Besides your IC, how about going to Nar-Anon? 

Nar-Anon's Purpose 

"Nar-Anon is a twelve-step program designed to help relatives and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend. Nar-Anon's program of recovery uses Nar-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The only requirement to be a member and attend Nar-Anon meetings is that there is a problem of drugs or addiction in a relative or friend. Nar-Anon is not affiliated with any other organization or outside entity."

Nar-Anon Home

Stop focusing on him.. focus on you and your baby. Get as much help from as many sources as you can. 

Treating the addiction just as an affair would be treated is the best thing you could do for both of you. Drug addicts do not give up the drugs until they hit rock bottom. By enabling him, you are preventing him from hitting rock bottom.

If you held a confrontation with a counselor, family and friends and gave him the choice of 'not contact' (non-use), rehab or losing his marriage you have a chance of getting him to clean up.

What you are doing is not going to work, it will enable him to continue doing the drugs and yet have a semblance of normalcy.

I've been there, done that. It's a tough road. My first husband was a drug abuser. With him it was what we called speed in the day. I had to learn the hard way just as you are. In the end I left him. I'm a better person for leaving him. 

I now have two step children who are addicts. By step daughter is addicted to meth. My step son to heroin. The heroin came into play after oxy became too hard to use. I have raised them from age 10/11. They are in their 20's now. I learned my lesson a long time ago. To help them hit rock bottom after I have told them they are no longer welcome in our home until they are clean for a year. By withholding all of the support they got from me, their lives are harder and they will hit rock bottom a lot sooner.

All of the talking did not good. All of the driving my step daughter to rehab and paying for it did no good. She now seems to be cleaning up her act... but only after she lost just about everything. She's a year out from any kind of acceptance back into my life.

My step son is still a lost cause. He's so deep into the fog of his addiction. He's killing himself. But he has a wife who is enabling him. She pays all the bills, pays for his drugs, etc. He even has a possession charge and is probation now. But it does not help him. He has an enabler who is buying him off to keep him around. 

I've already taken him to the emergency room once for have a border line OD. I did not realize what his issue was until spending hours in the ER with him. The doc finally admitted him because I would not give up until the doc did. Then what did his wife do? Go back to the house and get more heroin for him to use while he was in the hospital.

SS and his wife were staying with us at the time. So after she went to the hospital to spend the night (with a stash of heroin), I searched their room. I found about 30 pieces of aluminum foil that they had used to heat up the heroin as they breathe in the hot smoke. It went to the hospital the next morning and told them what I found, handed them the evidence and told them that they were not welcome in my home. My husband and I put their things on the front porch. If the two of them want to burn out their lungs they can do it where I don’t have to watch them.

I love both my SS and my SD but there is nothing I can do for them. But I am not going to let them mess up my life or my son’s life by bringing illegal drugs into my home or by us having to watch them kill/destroy themselves. They can do that elsewhere.

I did not buy the clear it with my husband, their father, first if I could kick them out or have no contact with the two. If he disagreed with my choice he could leave with them. He does not however disagree with my choice so all is good on that front. 

Sorry for the rant… but wanted to let you know that I have a LOT of experience in the area of dealing with drug addicts. They have to hit bottom first and the more support they get from enablers, the longer they will stay addicted.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Please look into Al-Anon for yourself not for him.

You need to detach lovingly but you need the tools to do so. You need to work on yourself because living with a drug addict or alcoholic's disease, frequently that person develops issues such as co-dependency, themselves.

Please do yourself a favor IC or Al-Anon. It will help you. You will find people that understand completely what is plaguing you. You will find peace and acceptance and growth for yourself. It's hard work but you are worth it, aren't you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

YinPrincess, people want to help you, but we are limited by cyberspace. Yes, you DO need to vent. I dragged my sorry a$$ into Al-Anon back in 1996. I didn't get it. Why weren't they telling me how to get the addict in my life straightened out? After all, if he got straight, I would be happy and not feel like I was stuck in a private he!! of his making.

Please, please, please, get into a 12-step program. You can only vent so much. Hell-on-earth isn't what life is meant to be. Hanging our shooting star on an addict's whims isn't going to buy us a stairway to heaven or a path to hapiness.

You alone must decide that you deserve more than venting on an internet site. TAM helps, but only to a degree. I am a firm believer in getting f-2-f help and support. In the end, it's up to you ... do you feel more comfortable being miserable most of the time and settling for the crumbs your husband tosses your way, or do you have the firm commitment to walk away?

P.S. - I left with half the equity in the house, three liquidated CD's and the furniture I brought into the marriage. Oh, yeah, and I have leukemia too (currently in remission). I walked out with all that in my basket. When it's right to walk, it's right. No matter what the cost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to let you know..

Nar-Anon it to Narcotics Anonymous 

what

Alanon is to Alcoholics Anonymous

Nar-Anon is geared more towards drug abuse. There are different issued between those who abuse alcohol and those who abuse drugs. The fact that drugs are illegal are a big part of it.

But if there is not a Nar-Anon in your area, or you don't like the Nar-Anon group.. go to Alanon....

just get yourself to one of them, please.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It seems to me that you will never be happy with yourself until you get rid of the person who is poisoning your thoughts and self-esteem - and that person is your husband.

I know you don't want to give up on him, but I don't see the situation getting any better. He wont' change unless he wants to, and even then - there is only so much a person can change. He sounds like a very broken person and you don't deserve that burden. You have tried to be nice to him, and taken the hits. there's not much more you can do.

I think you def should talk to an IC and see what they tell you. Perhaps they can work on your esteem, and you'll soon see it this way too.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Update: After realizing how narrow my options are, I decided to share this thread with my husband. It took him four hours to respond after reading it. He told me he never really felt he knew why I feel so neglected, and hadn't seen his contribution to our problems. He said this "touched" him and that he now knows he needs to address the issues behind his addiction and emotional withdrawal - I am pleased, yet guarded, that he has volunteered to go to IC for himself, as well as wanting to continue in MC.

Obviously I don't want my hopes to get up too far, so I am going to go to Nar-Anon to understand my co-dependency better, and I am prepared for the worse case scenario.

He did say he didn't want to see our marriage end without him trying all he could before giving up. He said he didn't feel he would give himself the opportunity to have another relationship if our marriage failed. This says to me he has insecurities as well. He asked me to be receptive and patient with him, and I have agreed. I believe him, the look in his eyes, and the way he chose his words that he does want our marriage to work.

Now I know I need to set boundaries and enforce them. The next meeting for my region is tomorrow night, so I am hopeful I'll be able to get in and start this right away.

I want to thank all of you for your honesty, support and suggestions. I think reading your replies had more of an impact on him, then what I said. I think he realizes maybe some of what I'm feeling is valid after all.

He hasn't joined TAM yet, but it is bookmarked in his phone now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You'll be OK. I did mention it earlier. Perhaps you can also get him to respond here.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Good for him! That's really surprising. My husband will never read that, so that he knows how i feel....and unfortunately he doesn't speak english...
But really good for you. Does anyone else has a spouse/not the ones with a perfectly happy marriages/ who would take a look here??


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

So far, so good! We've been getting along much better, I've really been concentrating on my communication efforts, and he has been sober. I know he will most likely relapse again, but I'm really praying he doesn't.

Have yet to attend any meetings, and he has yet to schedule IC for himself. I don't want to pressure him about it, so I'll encourage him to follow through when I go for MY next appointment on Tuesday. He is now open to going to meetings, and we're still hashing out the school schedule thing, (which WILL overlap the birth of our baby). We may have come to a compromise with him taking classes online instead of in-school, so he will be here if I need him.

Last night he bought himself another book on parenting, and was actually reading it! (I think it's more "man-friendly" - lots of drawings, diagrams and less text  )

Last night we had a bubble bath together. I was thinking he had ulterior motives, but actually he just held me and we talked comfortably. He rubbed my belly and we talked about the future. Things are SOOOOO much different when he is sober, and I just hope it doesn't end. I'm still sticking to my guns about the promises he made and I'm hoping that doesn't cause any friction...

Thank you all for your strength, wisdom and support. I'm really hoping this is a genuine turning point for us. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I hope so too!!! Happy for you!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I hope things keep getting better and better!  That was a very positive post that I was very happy to read!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you both! This last week has been amazing!

Tonight before bed he told me, "you're the best thing to ever happen to me. If it weren't for you I'd still be on a self-destructive path; alone and depressed." This was shocking to me, as he never reveals his feelings - even if he can identify them. He even went into the "you're the mother of my baby" moosh. 

I know sobriety is difficult for him - but he is such an amazing person when he is. We even had a disagreement earlier in the day, and when I explained my feelings, instead of getting nasty or dismissing me, he APOLOGIZED and let me express how I felt. I know THAT was a HUGE step for him. I'm really proud of him, but I plan on still going to the meetings for awhile so I'll be better able to recognize my co-dependency and work on that.

This has been the best week of our marriage in MONTHS. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm really happy to hear that Yin  You're right, it sounds like we've both had some progress this last few days! I hope that it can continue into the New Year and beyond!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm glad you girls are doing better! We're going through a rough patch so the positivity is so good to see! I hope he can stay sober for himself, for you, and for your baby.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good to hear a positive update


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## mzladii (Dec 18, 2011)

good for you yinprincess!!!
awesome to hear a positive update !!!
of course I have a different point of view than some of the other people who have replied to you,
I understand where your coming from with the breaking vows by leaving thing, I struggle with the same thought.
As an ex addict myself I hope to be able to give you a different aspect of the situation, at a very young age I was introduced to marijuana, cocaine, and crystal meth, later on I became a HORRIBLE alcoholic.
during this time I was a very selfish person, I was very manipulative, I would talk to people, my friends, family, partner, who ever.... while we were talking I would agree to whatever demands they made about getting clean and sober and getting my **** back together, in the end I always did whatever I wanted anyway, at that point I honestly didn't care about the consequences of my actions because no one ever followed through on what they said ("I'll leave you, I wont come over any more, I wont give you any more money", blah blah blah) 
I would sometimes even get clean for periods of time sometimes long sometimes short but in the end I relapsed, sometimes I would even convince MYSELF that I genuinely wanted to get sober... I would just relapse again.
I cant even imagine how hard it must have been for the people who loved me to watch me destroy myself and continue to hurt them so selfishly.
What helped me the most to get clean and sober was hitting absolute rock bottom, I mean losing everything, I lost my apartment, I lost my job, I lost most of my physical possessions, I lost friendships, I lost the support of the people that loved me.
lastly I lost my freedom by going to jail, and then I lost my future career because of the charges I was facing.
From my partner the thing that helped me the most to get sober and stay sober was his strength.
If he said "I will leave you if____" ... he meant it and stuck to it and at one point he did cut off contact.
After my release from jail he asked that I comply with all my probation requirements that included 
-checking in weekly
-AA and NA and anger managment
-some form of counseling
-to stay clean and sober
-complete honesty and transparency about everything (money,where my time was being spent,and if I was beginning to think about relapse)
I agreed to these demands, at this point I wanted to get my life back, if it meant getting clean for a period of time to get these people off my back so be it, honest truth, I never intended to stay clean or sober, I figured my drugs would still be around after I got all these people to stop spying on me and being so damn nosy.
My partner stuck to every word he said, he stayed so strong through all of this crap, I was a complete mess, I wanted so badly to relapse, it helped that I had some1 monitoring my money and free time and reminding me of my promise to stay clean and truly holding me to my word.
I was so mean during this time, cold hearted, emotionally unavailable, just unpleasant, I had childish fits and outbursts.
my advice to you ...
be strong, be ready to follow through on any threats you have made even if it hurts you.
do everything you can to continue your life and better yourself, if hes having a bad day don't let his bad mood get you down, find someone you can vent to, an outlet of some kind, a support group maybe.
Do not let him manipulate you under any circumstances.
*Most importantly if he has AGREED to go to AA,NA, counseling or to stay sober YOU NEED TO HOLD HIM TO IT !!! remind him of what he agreed to and what the consequences would be if he did not follow through, and then follow through with your end.*
Sobriety, like addiction is a life long struggle.
take it one day at a time.
I hope that my story and what helped me to over come my struggles will help you to over come yours.
I believe love can conquer anything, this man sounds from your post like a good guy going through a hard time, and it seems you love him very much,its great you were able to make progress and I wish the best for you 2 !!!


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