# Is it better for my daughter if I leave?



## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

The fights that I have with my husband are always about our kids. Trying to keep everything equal. It's so hard and here is why. 

I was a single mother for 7 years. He was a single dad for 3 years. We both had girls the same age and they started playing together at school. He and I started dating and the rest is history. 

I have been posting in the mothering dot community under Blended and Step-Family parenting. There is more back-story there under step-daughter vs. daughter. The last post is copied because it is more a marriage problem. Here it is:

For the entire three years of my marriage, I have been concerned that my husband has told my stepdaughter how much better she is than my daughter. (Please don't take that sentence wrong, I'm just trying to keep this short) Granted, I didn't feel it was ever in those exact words. It's just that my stepdaughter would show confidence that seemed so uncharacteristic for her age. Confidence is great for a kid but her's.....my gut always told me "somethings not right here". I have always made it VERY clear to my husband, over the entirety of our marriage, that these kind of things should not be discussed or told to my stepdaughter. He agreed and promised he had not nor would he ever do such a thing.

Well. My SD takes baton. My husband picks her up. The crazyiest thing happened. I called my husband on my cell at the same time he was calling me, so I "clicked" over to answer. We talked for a minute and hung up. My phone rang back. It was his phone. I don't know how that happened but it did. At first I was hollering "hey dork, your phone's on!". He couldn't hear me but I could hear everything and boy did I hear everything.

He told my stepdaughter things like "When you get better at something, you get _*exceptionally *_better. And, when (name, my daughter) gets better at something, she gets a little better." He really did punch that exceptionally word too.

My step-daughter started saying something like can you please get me a new sister? _Please_? And he replied "It's kinda like a love me love my cat kinda thing. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do" He also told her he was doing the best that he could to improve (name, my daughter).

I listened to about 20 minutes of this kind of talk......face red, my entire body shaking with anger. Even thinking of it now, my hands are shaking. 

I hung up and called his cell. I said "Honey.........were you just talking about (name, my daughter)?" He said "No." I said "Would you be willing to stake our marriage on that fact?" Can you believe it he said "Yes".

Apoligies and arguments followed and my daughter and I stayed at my brother's for the weekend. 

I do NOT want to end my marriage but how can I trust him now? He has promised never to talk like that but, like I mentioned above. This is the exact thing that I asked him about for the entirety of our marriage....."You're not telling (stepdaughter) these kind of things, are you?" 

Just to make sure we're clear....I do not think my stepdaughter is better than my daughter. (See other post for clarification)

It hurts me so much to know that my husband compared my daughter to his daughter and told her......uncensored. He never mentioned, in his little discussion, the ways that my daughter was better than my step-daughter. He only discussed how his daughter was better than mine.

These kind of things should not be told to a child. Pump up the children and build their confidence, Yes! But never, ever compare them. 

WHAT DO I DO?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Why does he feel the need for his daughter to be better?
Its really imature almost playground talk.
Have you had the chance to ask him why he feels he needs to say those things to his daughter ,its not healthy for her to here him talk about your daughter that way does it affect your daughters self esteem?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't know how your H treats your daughter, or what his behavior is when he is around both girls....but you can bet the SD tells your daughter how dad says SD is so much better. I don't know that I could ever trust him again after he has said, on numerous occasions, that he does not compare the two girls. 

How did your husband react to you leaving for the weekend? Did he get a wake up call?

Your daughter, her self-esteem and self respect are your first priority. If you and your husband can work this out right now, just remember to follow your gut. You have felt this was happening for your whole marriage.....don't ignore that instinct again.


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

I don't know if he feels the need for her to be better exactly. My step-daughter is very mature, smart, pretty........but she is a little overweight. My daughter is a typical 11 year old, she gets B's mostly...........and she is developing into a really beautiful young girl. 

I think he felt that as long as my daughter didn't find out it would be ok. I did not tell my daughter what was said, that would crush her. She's never heard him say anything like that, as far as I know, but she probably picks up on things.

But, is all this grounds for a divorce? If this cannot get corrected, should I leave?


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

That's another thing MsStacy. After I came home from my weekend away. He and my SD were doing normal stuff, like nothing had happened. I guess I expected him to show thankfulness that I was willing to work this out. Be greatful that he might still get to keep my AND my daughter in his life. He did NOT get a wake up call.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

You're in a tough situation. If he didn't think it was a big deal, and didn't get a wake up call with you leaving, then I'm afraid he doesn't truly 'get it'. I would be concerned that he is not remorseful, apologetic, or even acknowledging that what he did was wrong (nevermind Shameful!), then it is not going to change. 

I think you two need to have some big discussions. You asked if it would be better for your daughter if you leave.....? It just might. I wouldn't want my daughter growing up feeling like she's not good enough or always coming in at second place in the eyes of a man who is supposed to be a father figure to her. Her self respect/esteem has enough to battle with in the years to come. She should always be able to shine at home and in the eyes of her parents.


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## killerzoey (Jan 31, 2009)

To me, the importance he puts on the relative value of his daughter versus yours is not only potentially destructive to your daughter but his as well. Of course your primary concern is your daughter. I would think that if he is not even willing to acknowledge that he has a strange obsession that requires therapy, removing yourself and your daughter might be the best thing. I personally don't think that your daughter could possibly be unaware of how he views her, whether she ever overhears a conversation like the one you heard, or not. I'm really sorry such a strange obsession on your husband's part could be ruining what might be in all other regards a good situation.


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