# Overworked



## Melz (Feb 28, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 beautiful children. Our marriage, I feel, has always been rocky when it comes to the daily responsibilities. For half of our marriage, we haven't even lived in the same house due to changing job situations. Recently, we finally got everything worked out, but things are definitely not any better when it comes to who does what. 
Most days, I feel like I am a stay at home mom who works. I take care of the kids almost single-handedly from doing all the diaper changes, to getting the kids to bed. I wake up an hour earlier everyday to make sure every one has clothes (including him), get lunches and bottles ready, pets, etc. He takes a shower and goes to work. On days that he gets home earlier than me (about 3 times a week), he watches shows on the couch. When I get home, I get dinner started, laundry going, homework prepped, dishes, nurse the baby. I can never get it all done, and I end up going to bed early with the kids because I am just too exhausted. I've tried to ask for help, but when I ask, the answer is either "I don't like doing that." or "I'll need your help." or "Hold on while I finish this show/game/whatever." but it never gets done. I've tried to make certain things his domain, but it never sticks. If he is in charge of dinner, we end up not eating or getting pizza. If he does laundry, he won't switch it to the dryer by himself and definitely won't fold it. If he puts the kids to bed, it's always way too late at night and they end up yelling at me in the morning because I have to drag them out of bed. Dishes are only unload/reload dishwasher. No handwash. 
I tell myself I'm being too picky. I say that when he says "I'll do it but I need your help" that at least he is helping a little. But I'm still doing all of the work. I'm still spending every minute of every hour trying to just make it through another day. I feel like a single parent.
What do I do to communicate that I feel like this without setting off his defensiveness? Every time so far I've been told I'm nagging or treating him like a child. 

Things I've tried:
Just asking.
Setting up responsibility or roles.
Asking to get marriage counseling.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You've asked, and he's not going to contribute. Options...

1. If you work, quit. Understand that this is a season of life that will pass, and you can go back to work when the children go to high school/college.
2. Hire the work out. Maid, cook, dry cleaning, babysitters - whatever you need. 
3. Don't say 'yes' or take on more work outside of your home. That means schools, church, community, whatever.

You can't be everything to everyone. Choices have to be made. 

And whatever you decide to do, if it were me, I wouldn't ask for input or approval. He knows you need help, and he's chosen to ignore it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Asking and being nice isn't working.

Give him a list of things you NEED him to do during the week, by himself.
If he can't manage that or protests, then tell him that you didn't get married to just end up being a single parent. He may be the breadwinner, but that doesn't mean he suddenly doesn't have to parent.
I'd put divorce on the table, not as a threat, as a reality if things don't change. 

If he only wants to contribute monetarily to the responsibility, tell him you'd be happy to collect his monthly child support from here on.

Oh, and if he doesn't want you to nag and treat him like a child, then tell him to grow up and stop acting like one.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Melz said:


> My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 beautiful children. Our marriage, I feel, has always been rocky when it comes to the daily responsibilities. For half of our marriage, we haven't even lived in the same house due to changing job situations. Recently, we finally got everything worked out, but things are definitely not any better when it comes to who does what.
> Most days, I feel like I am a stay at home mom who works. I take care of the kids almost single-handedly from doing all the diaper changes, to getting the kids to bed. I wake up an hour earlier everyday to make sure every one has clothes (including him), get lunches and bottles ready, pets, etc. He takes a shower and goes to work. On days that he gets home earlier than me (about 3 times a week), he watches shows on the couch. When I get home, I get dinner started, laundry going, homework prepped, dishes, nurse the baby. I can never get it all done, and I end up going to bed early with the kids because I am just too exhausted. I've tried to ask for help, but when I ask, the answer is either "I don't like doing that." or "I'll need your help." or "Hold on while I finish this show/game/whatever." but it never gets done. I've tried to make certain things his domain, but it never sticks. If he is in charge of dinner, we end up not eating or getting pizza. If he does laundry, he won't switch it to the dryer by himself and definitely won't fold it. If he puts the kids to bed, it's always way too late at night and they end up yelling at me in the morning because I have to drag them out of bed. Dishes are only unload/reload dishwasher. No handwash.
> I tell myself I'm being too picky. I say that when he says "I'll do it but I need your help" that at least he is helping a little. But I'm still doing all of the work. I'm still spending every minute of every hour trying to just make it through another day. I feel like a single parent.
> What do I do to communicate that I feel like this without setting off his defensiveness? Every time so far I've been told I'm nagging or treating him like a child.
> ...


Chances are he does not really "see". It is going to be tough since you have a 10 year pattern established. Sit him down and calmly but FIRMLY speak to him. Tell him you feel like the maid and do not want to. You are exhausted. You will take care of you and the kids. His stuff is his business. Get extra laundry baskets. When you do the laundry, throw his dirty in HIS laundry basket. When you clean, take any crap that he has left around and stuff it on the floor of his closet out of your way. When you make lunches, skip his... Personally, I would cancel cable or streaming service(s). But not everyone can go there.

When he gets ticked that his stuff is not done, tell him you are too exhausted, and that when he is ready to step up to do his share (NOT HELP - it is his house and family too!) of the home management, you will adjust.

S


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Melz said:


> My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 beautiful children. Our marriage, I feel, has always been rocky when it comes to the daily responsibilities. For half of our marriage, we haven't even lived in the same house due to changing job situations. Recently, we finally got everything worked out, but things are definitely not any better when it comes to who does what.
> Most days, I feel like I am a stay at home mom who works. I take care of the kids almost single-handedly from doing all the diaper changes, to getting the kids to bed. I wake up an hour earlier everyday to make sure every one has clothes (including him), get lunches and bottles ready, pets, etc. He takes a shower and goes to work. On days that he gets home earlier than me (about 3 times a week), he watches shows on the couch. When I get home, I get dinner started, laundry going, homework prepped, dishes, nurse the baby. I can never get it all done, and I end up going to bed early with the kids because I am just too exhausted. I've tried to ask for help, but when I ask, the answer is either "I don't like doing that." or "I'll need your help." or "Hold on while I finish this show/game/whatever." but it never gets done. I've tried to make certain things his domain, but it never sticks. If he is in charge of dinner, we end up not eating or getting pizza. If he does laundry, he won't switch it to the dryer by himself and definitely won't fold it. If he puts the kids to bed, it's always way too late at night and they end up yelling at me in the morning because I have to drag them out of bed. Dishes are only unload/reload dishwasher. No handwash.
> I tell myself I'm being too picky. I say that when he says "I'll do it but I need your help" that at least he is helping a little. But I'm still doing all of the work. I'm still spending every minute of every hour trying to just make it through another day. I feel like a single parent.
> What do I do to communicate that I feel like this without setting off his defensiveness? Every time so far I've been told I'm nagging or treating him like a child.
> ...


You neglected to include any information about his occupation/work vs. your paid work. What does he do? High stress? High income? Physically demanding labor? All of those make a difference...not all time spent working is the same and you seem to equate time spent dish washing and clothes folding with whatever your hubby is doing. If he has a physically or mentally exhausting job that's bringing in the lion's share of the family income, then "yes" you are nagging when you fault him for not doing the handwashing.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Can you hire a housekeeper to come in bi-weekly or once a month? I did this for a few years and it did make a difference! He should be able to make his own lunch and when he starts, I would have him start making the other sandwiches too. He's a big boy and should be doing his own laundry too! My spouse does his. He has a separate basket in his closet for his clothes only. Tell him that your thinking about working part-time because you feel overwhelmed and cannot get 'things' done. Which I totally agree with you, you are overworked!! Too bad you can't escape for a few days so that he 'can do it all' without you!! Does he use a grill? Have him grill double one night so that you have leftovers for the following nights. This way he has dinner twice and then, on another night you can do pizza!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

23cm said:


> You neglected to include any information about his occupation/work vs. your paid work. What does he do? High stress? High income? Physically demanding labor? All of those make a difference...*not all time spent working is the same and you seem to equate time spent dish washing and clothes folding with whatever your hubby is doing.* If he has a physically or mentally exhausting job that's bringing in the lion's share of the family income, then "yes" you are nagging when you fault him for not doing the handwashing.




If your husband has this attitude about housework, _definitely_ pay to have someone else do it.


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## Melz (Feb 28, 2018)

I am the breadwinner, so while I'd like to quit, it's not an option. I work a 9-5 type desk job with an hour commute. He is a teacher with a 10 minute commute. I'll concede that his job is physically and emotionally more demanding than mine, but I don't think it is enough of an excuse to not contribute at all after work. I'm not saying he can't have a break. Rather, I'm saying I want to be able to have a break, too. He gets an hour or more every other day to relax with no kids before I even get home, and he takes that plus kids' bedtime and after bedtime to just do what he wants.


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## Melz (Feb 28, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> Can you hire a housekeeper to come in bi-weekly or once a month? I did this for a few years and it did make a difference! He should be able to make his own lunch and when he starts, I would have him start making the other sandwiches too. He's a big boy and should be doing his own laundry too! My spouse does his. He has a separate basket in his closet for his clothes only. Tell him that your thinking about working part-time because you feel overwhelmed and cannot get 'things' done. Which I totally agree with you, you are overworked!! Too bad you can't escape for a few days so that he 'can do it all' without you!! Does he use a grill? Have him grill double one night so that you have leftovers for the following nights. This way he has dinner twice and then, on another night you can do pizza!


I really want to have some sort of maid service, but right now it's not feasible. I'm going to definitely try some of these others to try to force the issue.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

My ex was, as you describe your husband, lazy too.

I was like you, I did everything to the point where I was exhausted and he just sat on the couch.

What did I do about it? I stopped being nice. When something needed to get done, I told him. I treated him like the child he was acting like. He hated it and I told him flat out that if you dont like being treated like a child then stop acting like one.

It is unfair for you to be the breadwinner and to have to shoulder all the household responsibility. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

23cm said:


> You neglected to include any information about his occupation/work vs. your paid work. What does he do? High stress? High income? Physically demanding labor? All of those make a difference...not all time spent working is the same and you seem to equate time spent dish washing and clothes folding with whatever your hubby is doing. If he has a physically or mentally exhausting job that's bringing in the lion's share of the family income, then "yes" you are nagging when you fault him for not doing the handwashing.


What a crock of crap.

Did you ever think that maybe HER job is high stress? But she doesn't GET to come home and lay on her ass all night in front of the TV while he runs around taking care of the kids, cooking dinner, packing lunches, cleaning up, doing laundry, and the list goes on. Oh no, only Mr. Self Entitled does the couch laying thing.

There is *ZERO* justification for a woman to be working a 40 or 50 hour job OUTSIDE the house then being 100% responsible for every single thing needed *INSIDE* the house on top of it. I don't care if her self-entitled lazy ass husband slays dragons for a living. He needs to do his damned SHARE.

This type of complete bull**** is EXACTLY why I laugh every time I see these ass-hat men claiming that marriage is a trap for THEM and that women 'gain' so much from it. Talk about delusional. For a lot of women, marriage is nothing more than a life of servitude to some slob in a recliner. Be still my beating heart.

OP, tell Mr. Lazy Ass you'll be having a Come to Jesus talk with him about the household and child-rearing responsibilities. *DO NOT* call it 'helping you' because that insinuates that it's all your work and he's doing YOU a favor if he actually drags his dead ass off the couch. *Never* call it that. It's called doing his SHARE.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What a crock of crap.
> 
> Did you ever think that maybe HER job is high stress? But she doesn't GET to come home and lay on her ass all night in front of the TV while he runs around taking care of the kids, cooking dinner, packing lunches, cleaning up, doing laundry, and the list goes on. Oh no, only Mr. Self Entitled does the couch laying thing.
> 
> ...


And there it is Ladies and Gent... @She'sStilGotIt saying it like it is. Girl I like you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Melz, I think I just found your husband on the Internet:-


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Just quit do everything for him!

When he complains have it out right there. I'm not the maid I work full time also in case you haven't noticed!

Why do you get a grown mans cloths ready for him?



Teachers make good money where I'm from ...much more than 9-5 desk jobs..whatever that is.

So if its his turn to do dinners...he has actually forgot and everbody went hungry?or he bought a pizza? I'm courious .?so when everbody was thinking it was dinner time he said well too bad were not eating tonight!


He does loads of laundry but doesn't use the dryer and he will load and unload the dish washer.

Hmm


Truth lies somewhere in the middle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, stop doing things for him.

You say that he will not move his clothing from the washer to the drier? Then either you move them, or you get an empty basket and put his wet clothing in that so you can do the next load. But if you are no going to use the washer, just let his stuff stay wet in the washer. If he does not empty the dryer and you need it, just dump his dry clothing into an empty basket. you say that he will not fold his clothing? So what. If he wants to wear wrinkled clothing, let him.

Stop doing anything for him. Just stop.

Does he leave messes around the house?


There are a couple of books that might help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they say to do. Then sit him down and tell him that you are profoundly unhappy with the way things are. That either he read the books with you and do the work that they say to do or you are done. Remind him that if you divorce, he will have to do 100% of the housework, cleaning, etc in his own place. Plus he will have the chidlren half time so he will be doing all that on his own too. 

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to fix it. He's not going to pay attention to you until he thinks you are serious about ending the marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Quit work or hire help

Let him throw a tantrum ..... he isn't helping with anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Quit work or hire help
> 
> Let him throw a tantrum ..... he isn't helping with anything.


She cannot quit work. She's the breadwinner.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

I wouldn’t be doing his laundry, making him lunches. Start just doing your own laundry, lunches for yourself and kids. 

Meals and save the husbands portions for extras in freezers. Don’t let him eat any of those meals. Let him fend for himself.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

What the hell good is he? Does he do anything? Would your workload change significantly if you kicked him to the curb?

From your description he appears to be a human lamprey. He's attached to you, sucking out your vitality, contributing nothing.


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