# Much tougher today



## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I revealed my long time infidelity last week. Things were bad the first day then didn't go too bad the following days but today I am out of town and she is really taking it to me. I'm doing all I can being apologetic. Guess I just need a little moral support for the moment because I feel really down. I know she has to vent and I have to live with it but this is very hard. I feel so bad about me. I know this is going to be long and slow and I have to do it on my own. Nothing is certain. I feel like a leaf in the wind. I look forward to better times when we can focus on us and I can do all the little things she needs to make this up to her. I know she has to greave. It's just so hard on me too.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

being out of town is a huge trigger for her, check in often and send texts and call as often as possible. Tell her your schedule and offer up transparency.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You only have one person to blame for your life being hard, and that is you

You need to become completely SELFLESS, your little ditty up above, was somewhat selfish----you MUST do all the HEAVY LIFTING, every bit of it---AND YOU DO NOT GET TO COMPLAIN one iota about anything

Stop your moaning and groaning, and your complaining, and do what is necessary----this is not about you---you gave your rights away, when you decided to have your little sexcapade----now what you do, is the right and proper thing, and you do it w/out complainig.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Keep reassuring. Keep checking on her too. She is the most susceptible to an affair now. Don't let your guilt overshadow her mistakes too.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What you caused was no minor accident, so don't expect overnight results. Your mindset should be that this is going to be a day by day process and it may take YEARS before she recovers and regains most of the trust she had in you.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I offered over a year ago to find a different job that works for our family. I am so tired of being on the road. She doesn't want me to quit because of the the money. I've always let her drive my company car. One of the benefits is I get practically any choice of a car and get to order all the fancy stuff. She loves it. I know it's hard for some people here to imagine I could be a good person in any way but I always gave my wife anything she ever asked me for besides my faithfulness. I always went big for christmas, valentines day and birthdays. I could care less anymore about money. It's not worth two cents to me. I'd be happy to sell the nice home and give up some of the material posessions and move into a less expensive home so that I could be with my family every night. 

I know I deserve what I get. In my mind I want to just throw in the towel because I don't know how long I will last like this. I know I won't but that's how I feel. I know what did I expect? Like the song. I just want to go home.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> I revealed my long time infidelity last week. Things were bad the first day then didn't go too bad the following days but today I am out of town and she is really taking it to me. I'm doing all I can being apologetic. Guess I just need a little moral support for the moment because I feel really down. I know she has to vent and I have to live with it but this is very hard. I feel so bad about me. I know this is going to be long and slow and I have to do it on my own. Nothing is certain. I feel like a leaf in the wind. I look forward to better times when we can focus on us and I can do all the little things she needs to make this up to her. I know she has to greave. It's just so hard on me too.


It will never be as hard on you as it is on her! You have destroyed her world, and it will be a long time before she recovers; years probably. You don't need to do "all the little things she needs etc" you need to do huge things that make you feel uncomfortable. The first thing you need to do is to stop focusing on yourself. Like it or not you are the one who chose to deal with you problems in a destructive and dishonest way. Now you have to focus on her and helping her to heal, or you will lose her. You have gotten an ego boost via your A; her ego is devastated. You have had an exciting romance; she has been passed over like a piece of rotten fruit. You can still trust her and you can be certain that she is telling you the truth; she may never trust you again, especially if you don't start doing the hard work that is necessary to rebuild her ego and her trust in you. You don't have time to wallow in inappropriate self pity. I am the BS in my situation and my world will never be the same. If my H had focused on his own pain I would have packed his stuff. Your pain will be interpreted by her as pining for the OW, and she will not tolerate it well. This is the most outrageous insult that one person can give to another, and it will require a lot of heavy lifting on your part to make her believe that the relationship is worth her time.


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## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

ashamed74 said:


> I revealed my long time infidelity last week. Things were bad the first day then didn't go too bad the following days but today I am out of town and she is really taking it to me. I'm doing all I can being apologetic. Guess I just need a little moral support for the moment because I feel really down. I know she has to vent and I have to live with it but this is very hard. I feel so bad about me. I know this is going to be long and slow and I have to do it on my own. Nothing is certain. I feel like a leaf in the wind. I look forward to better times when we can focus on us and I can do all the little things she needs to make this up to her. I know she has to greave. It's just so hard on me too.


What is extremely important is you squeeze out all the crap from the system and tell her everything so the slate is clean. My wife did not do that and still no sign of that, which brings my depression like a sinusoidal curve.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

It's settled down some but she's been angry with me all day. Things were doing fine yesterday but mad all day at me. Knowing she's a cheater too I just don't know how to feel. Guess we say, my turn. This evening it looks to wind down. I've been apologizing all day and calling back after being hung up on over and over. Wow is all I think.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey ashamed---what do you want a medal----all these claims you make about what you do for your wife

GUESS WHAT-----Probably 98% of the faithful H's do the very same thing, to the best of their ability----You are coming off as SELFISH again


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

You need to sympathize with the fact that you committed one of the ultimate betrayals in a relationship. Let her be angry. Let her vent. Don't take offense, just acknowledge her feelings. Agree with her... Show her that you really care about her, your family, your marriage... She is going to be upset for a very long time, it's part of the motions. LET HER BE.

Be completely transparent, tell her that you're there, and that you care - and you understand her feelings. Apologize. tell her you wish to move on together, as a family.... Then let her give it to you. Let her yell at you, scream at you, whatever she has to do - but support her through the feelings.

Once she is over this initial phase, she will be ready to face the future. Right now she is angry. It's all a part of the cycle. The loss of faithfulness in a relationship is similar to losing a loved one because the focus of your relationship and your hopes and dreams change. She is mourning the loss of the faithfulness in your marriage and that is painful for most.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> It's settled down some but she's been angry with me all day. Things were doing fine yesterday but mad all day at me. * Knowing she's a cheater too I just don't know how to feel. * Guess we say, my turn. This evening it looks to wind down. I've been apologizing all day and calling back after being hung up on over and over. Wow is all I think.


When did she cheat? How long ago was that?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> It's settled down some but she's been angry with me all day. Things were doing fine yesterday but mad all day at me. Knowing she's a cheater too I just don't know how to feel. Guess we say, my turn. This evening it looks to wind down. I've been apologizing all day and calling back after being hung up on over and over. Wow is all I think.


She gets to be as angry for as long as she wants.

No what's thus about her cheating also? When was it and how did you deal with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Last night she got better after I kept giving my all then called me in my sleep a few times when I really couldn't talk. Inside I'm feeling aggrivated. I came out and told her the truth. She never gave me that benefit. Everything she did for three years back I found myself and who knows what else is out there. I just want to move on rather than make this a pissing contest. I know she's hurt but neither of us have been good here. What she did doesn't excuse what I did but just seeing what she was capable of and knowing how long it went on and knowing there probably is more just aggrivates me when I'm dealing with the rants. Time for both of us to face it and deal with it. We both wasted way too much time screwing around instead of focusing on us. I feel really beat down at the moment. I hope today can go better. I was waiting for it to get like this. I knew it would. I just don't know how much I can really take from someone who is likely no better than me.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

From you last post, "someone who is likely no better than me." That phrase says a lot. As a BS I it took a long time to realize that I was actually no better than my WW. All of us have our failures. We just fail differently. That's just a fact of human nature. You guys need to get into counseling and address the failures in both of you. The car, the money, the house- these things are distractions. Sounds like you have a domestic financial arrangement more than a marriage. Just my 2 cents.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

river rat said:


> From you last post, "someone who is likely no better than me." That phrase says a lot. As a BS I it took a long time to realize that I was actually no better than my WW. All of us have our failures. We just fail differently. That's just a fact of human nature. You guys need to get into counseling and address the failures in both of you. The car, the money, the house- these things are distractions. Sounds like you have a domestic financial arrangement more than a marriage. Just my 2 cents.


I'm by no means daddy warbucks but I usually gave her the things she wanted over the coarse of the marriage. We probably do need counseling. I want to move forward and with her just learning of all this I know she's not ready to move forward. It just strikes a nerve inside me when I'm being called a liar by a liar. I feel the difference between us is I quit the behavior on my own without her catching me to quit. I quit because I knew it was wrong and could not live with what I was doing. She was the way she was right up to the day I found out. The only thing that stopped her was me finding out. She withheld everything she could from me and tried to minimize everything. I came fourth and told her what I did in the past. She didn't admit until she knew she was caught and after that it was the trickle truth. 

None of you know the things my wife did. It doesn't justify me or make me less guilty but she has been no better person than I have. Once my infidelity stopped I really put alot of effort into both my wife and my marriage. I thought things were going great. She sure led me on to believe they were.I was completely clueless as to what she was doing. She laid in bed texting with OM while she slept next to me and brought the BS right into our house and our lives daily. I was bad but nothing like that. Then the day came when I picked up the cell phone and read the text to many different men then revied the text records which stacked about a foot high over the course of just one year. On our anniversary last year OM got 48 text me none. 

If she keeps hammering away at me I don't know if I will stay. This is much different than just one party being guilty. I accept all that she has done and if she can't accept what I have done we might as well call it quits. I'm happy to comfort her pain but I just can't handle the rude insults from a fellow liar. It's just a slap in the face and hypocracy at it's maximum. She acts like me asking her all those times who she was talking to and her playing it off like it was innocent wasn't a lie. She looked into my eyes telling me the ipod games were innocent yet managed to meet a guy there even. She did this stuff with me right there for a very long time. Countless strangers have our phone number and could easily find out where we live thanks to her stupid ways. I'm just ticked. I put up with alot yesterday from a person no better than me. 

She has done some of the things I have since her d day. She contacted another woman who is a friend of mine. She only heard the words, "your husband loves you very much". I didn't get such pleasure when I contacted men she talked to. The story I got was how my wife loved our children but didn't love me yet everyday she told me otherwise while she told OM something else. Next she deleted every female friend that I had off of Facebook. I have no past girlfriends there only people I grew up with. A few years back during the time she was cheating on me she would delete women I grew up with off of Facebook. She had all my logins. I gave them to her. I'm amazed she gave a [email protected] with all the men she was talking to. I never had her logins but she had mine. 

I just don't know how much of this I'm going to be able to take. There's a variable here that makes things much more difficult and that's the fact that she's been no better.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Let me ask you something, if your wife had been the only one who cheated, would you still be trying to save your marriage? I ask because I don't know if it is truly your guilt or remorse from your own cheating that is actually keeping you from divorcing your wife. If that is the case then you are staying married for the wrong reason(s).


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

morituri said:


> Let me ask you something, if your wife had been the only one who cheated, would you still be trying to save your marriage? I ask because I don't know if it is truly your guilt or remorse from your own cheating that is actually keeping you from divorcing your wife. If that is the case then you are staying married for the wrong reason(s).


 When things have been good I've never felt so close to anybody. Looking back I didn't want to get married to begin with but she gave me the ultimatum. She got very demanding and was always complaining once we'd been together about a year, year and a half. It's hard to feel loving when someone is always *****ing. Women don't seem to understand this very well. The OW were a nice excape from being with a woman that thought she was so great that everything was just owed to her. She said many hurtful, belittling things to me in the early years that did not make me feel reassured. I would do this for her or else. I didn't feel like she valued me much. It was always about how great she was and how she could find somebody else. I'm waiting for a return of the woman I met. The one I couldn't wait to see and woman who wanted me. We have kids and I have nothing to lose by hanging in here. I really want a chance to find what we once had. The lies had to come out. I know it's all bad but it is what it is. If it was just her yes I would have left. She lived a double life for a very long time. The double life got more devotion, attention, and approval than I ever did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ashamed, you have really changed your tune a LOT. Your ID is "ashamed" and you felt so low and bad about what you did, and now you are mad at HER.

What you have to understand is that while you've known about your wife's indiscretions for some time now, she JUST FOUND OUT about yours. You need to give her time to get the anger out. Detach emotionally from her anger, let it flow. It will eventually go down to a trickle. Then see if you can rebuild.

You guys need MC badly. A lot of damage has been done. You both sound like people who just can't admit that they are more wrong than the other person. As long as that is going on, you won't make it. So cut it out.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ashamed - there are several people here from marriages where both spouses cheated, some survived others did not. That's a pretty special set of circumstances and their unique perspective might be of benefit. I'd look some of them up maybe by PM if necessary. Several of them identify themselves in this thread. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39501-cheater-feels-worse-than-cheated-discuss.html


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Frankly I'm very pessimistic that this marriage can be salvaged unless there is a concerted effort on both your parts to own up to your own shortcomings, learn to forgive one another (make the choice of letting go of the anger and bitterness), and learning new ways to give each other the emotional, sexual and financial support. You cannot do it alone, and since your wife doesn't seem to want to get on board, then you have two choices. Continue with the marriage or end it. Perhaps filing for divorce just may be the catalyst that will either change the dynamic of the marriage for the better or effectively confirmed that it has been dead and needs to be buried.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

morituri said:


> Frankly I'm very pessimistic that this marriage can be salvaged unless there is a concerted effort on both your parts to own up to your own shortcomings, learn to forgive one another (make the choice of letting go of the anger and bitterness), and learning new ways to give each other the emotional, sexual and financial support. You cannot do it alone, and since your wife doesn't seem to want to get on board, then you have two choices. Continue with the marriage or end it. Perhaps filing for divorce just may be the catalyst that will either change the dynamic of the marriage for the better or effectively confirmed that it has been dead and needs to be buried.


I'm willing to move on and accept what happened for what it is. Being called a liar over and over by a liar is a real sore spot for me. I can only take so much. I think about how it felt reading her text messages to the OM and how nice she was and wondered just why throughout the course of the marriage I couldn't get any nice, fun, sweet messages from this woman. The only thing I heard was of how I wasn't doing anything right while the OM were getting all the love. Here I was seeking out fun elsewhere wondering why things were no fun with us and it was because she was giving all the good stuff to someone else and all the b1tching my way. We both made plenty of mistakes. 

I just need about half a day to mentally regroup. Then I will be able to handle more. I talk to her a little bit ago and she seemed to be feeling okay at the moment. She is riding the roller coaster I feel but she too should accept that while she was having her fun I was having mine. If she wanted me she sure as hell wasn't acting like it. The text records were something to low and behold. She'd get a text from me then text OM four or five times in a row then 8 hrs. later I got a response. 

I think she can get on board I just have to understand that I have had a head start here. It just seems so pointless for us to rehash this over and over when the truth was she was having plenty of fun too doing what she was doing. I just want to work on us and see if we can't be focused on one another from now on. The past is the past. I will continue and hope I just don't reach the point where I've had enough.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Ashamed, you have really changed your tune a LOT. Your ID is "ashamed" and you felt so low and bad about what you did, and now you are mad at HER.
> 
> What you have to understand is that while you've known about your wife's indiscretions for some time now, she JUST FOUND OUT about yours. You need to give her time to get the anger out. Detach emotionally from her anger, let it flow. It will eventually go down to a trickle. Then see if you can rebuild.
> 
> You guys need MC badly. A lot of damage has been done. You both sound like people who just can't admit that they are more wrong than the other person. As long as that is going on, you won't make it. So cut it out.


I know I have. Going through a few days of getting bashed the entire day by someone who is just as bad or worse can do that to a person. I really don't care who is more wrong here I just want to move on. A liar calling me a liar is just striking a nerve with me. Just last year she told a good thousand lies to me. I didn't go hard on her. I actually had empathy and told her we would do what we could and take things forward while uncovering lie after lie. The good will is just being drained right out of me with the mean things she's saying. I feel like she's nothing but a hypocrite. I am no longer allowed to have female friends because she knows how it works. I think, "bet you do".


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

There are so many trust issues here I can feel them jumping off the screen. Once you both have truly stopped messing around with OMs and OWs, you both have to decide if you want to stay married. And if you do, get to counseling to deal with the trust (and other) issues.

Neither of you should have opposite sex friends. I'm a firm believer in that anyway, but especially in your case. Right now this is just a pissing contest. You won't fix that on your own - you'll need a 3rd party.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> There are so many trust issues here I can feel them jumping off the screen. Once you both have truly stopped messing around with OMs and OWs, you both have to decide if you want to stay married. And if you do, get to counseling to deal with the trust (and other) issues.
> 
> Neither of you should have opposite sex friends. I'm a firm believer in that anyway, but especially in your case. Right now this is just a pissing contest. You won't fix that on your own - you'll need a 3rd party.


I haven't done anything inappropriate in a very long time. For her it's been 4 months unless she's gone underground which I doubt. 

I've done alot of thinking and talking as to why I have done the things I've done. For a very long time I really didn't know the reason. I think I finally get it. She's beautiful and she knows it. Throughout our relationship she did so much to bully me and boss me around. Since we've dated I've heard the if you don't then someone else will comments many times. She said it right in front of people while I was there and it made me feel lower than low. It's like ice. That stuff really hurt and belittled me and made me resent her. If someone cares about a person they wouldn't say mean spirited stuff like that. In my own way I had been getting someone else to do it for me too. She always wanted to set all the terms for everything and to tell me how it's going to be. The only job and responsibility in the relationship was mine and mine only with her using the excuse of being beautiful and entitled. 

I jumped through many hoops over the years trying to find ways to please this woman while secretly resenting her for making me feel so worthless. Like I said I got the first new car in my life at 30 years old and handed the keys over to this woman who told me I was not a good man unless I did that. I always gave in and gave her her way about everything. My affairs, were just something I was saving for me because I needed something for me. For a very long time there was an underlying hate and resentment in me for her. Seeing the 100 or so pictures she took showing herself off that were sent to men other than me just proved I was right all along about who she is. 

This marriage will have to change. She's always thought her sh#t didn't stink and I'm tired of all of it. I always blamed me for everything really for far too long. I really don't know if I do want to be with her. I really love the good stuff but the things she said over the years were just cold as ice. I'm not sure if she is capable of loving me, only loving herself. For so long and too many years she only thought of herself and what she wanted. I had long days at work and never had her there for me to talk to. When I wasn't giving her what she wanted she just took it elsewhere just like she said she would. I feel like I've been a doormat. I'm trying to soften up a little but I know the things I'm saying are true because I've lived it.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

This whole things is a huge slap in the face for her. She bragged about how no man ever got away with cheating on her and ever would yet she is still with me. She's so used to being in the position of power in our relationship this whole set of circumstances has her blown away. She freely cheat on me with whoever she wanted for years and now has got the news it's been done to her which is a huge blow to the ego. She's just been such an arrogant person for far too long. Like the only purpose of my life was to do everything she wanted and when I didn't I was a piece of trash. 

You all are helping me here. I always blamed me for everything all the time. I know exactly why I did what I did. I know it doesn't make it right but living and dealing with this woman is a test of a mans sanity. She expected me to treat her like gold yet she treated me like dirt. When she didn't get her way she cheated. 

We sure do need help. I'm just not sure she can change. She's had her a$$ kissed her entire life. I'm not sure how she can be different. Even if I move on some other lovestruck jacka$$ will show up and take my place and kiss her a$$. She found a long line of them willing to do that on the internet. Who knows where we go from here. I just want her to be a wife who cares about what I want and my feelings matter to her. I'm not sure if they ever have.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is going to take sometime. There are triggers that will send her over the edge and you need to respect that. Of course it does not help that you are on the road. Make sure she can see the phone records for your phone, and she has the password for your email accounts.

She is calling you late at night in your hotel room because she needs to make sure you are answering and not out of breath when you pick up. 

This is going to be hard work and it will take a lot of help on your part. Have you started MC yet?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I keep reading the same phrases from you "..just want to move on.." I can certainly understand the sentiment behind the words. You want to have a better quality of life, for both of you. However, simply "moving on" wont solve any of the issues that you may be facing. In fact, simply "moving on" may just aggravate what caused the problems in the first place. This is of course only my opinion, but I think this is _not_ the time to be "moving on," but instead a time to put the brakes on everything, stop, look at each other and address some of these issues head on. 

A few people have alluded to some of these issues, and a major one seems to be the struggle for who has the "moral high ground." So long as you guys are fighting about who has the right to be more pissed off, the real issues will continue to be ignored and fester. If she is unwilling to do this, or if you are unwilling to do this, perhaps you two should separate for a while and give it some real thought. Being with someone for the sake of "being" with them can only get you so far. You passed that point a long time ago, and so did she. 

The situation needs to be disarmed. It seems neither one of you had any respect for the marriage, or the vows you took. You mentioned being "forced" in to marrying her. Why was it so hard for you to say 'no' when you knew you did not want to get married? What meaningful, positive steps did you take when you found out about her infidelity? How were things between you two three months ago? Guilt and obligation are very unstable foundations to build a relationship on.

I think you may benefit from IC, make an appointment for yourself today or tomorrow. You will have a few hours per week to express your feelings in a moderated environment. You may be surprised by what you end up discovering about yourself. IC will also give you the space to bounce some of the advice you get here off a professional, and if you choose a couples counselor for your IC, the counselor will have many cases to draw his/her advice from.


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## ShreddedWheat (Feb 5, 2012)

What strikes me from your posts is your use of the word "better". 

You say things like "today was better" and "I just want things to get better".

"Better" is by definition a relative word and in and of itself has no real meaning. I hear you using the word "better" to mean that she's not upset. 

But the truth is that the days when she's upset might actually be the better days because those are the real days.

Your marriage sounds like it hasn't been very real for a long time. She cheats, you cheat, and in between you both never face any of the reasons you both cheat because it is painful and messy.

You want things "better"? That likely means that they are going to have to get much worse first. Honesty--gut-level honesty--in a marriage is rarely a feel-good experience for either party. 

I think until you give up "better" for what's ultimately the best then you'll never get better.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> I haven't done anything inappropriate in a very long time. For her it's been 4 months unless she's gone underground which I doubt.
> 
> I've done alot of thinking and talking as to why I have done the things I've done. For a very long time I really didn't know the reason. I think I finally get it. She's beautiful and she knows it. Throughout our relationship she did so much to bully me and boss me around. Since we've dated I've heard the if you don't then someone else will comments many times. She said it right in front of people while I was there and it made me feel lower than low. It's like ice. That stuff really hurt and belittled me and made me resent her. If someone cares about a person they wouldn't say mean spirited stuff like that. In my own way I had been getting someone else to do it for me too. She always wanted to set all the terms for everything and to tell me how it's going to be. The only job and responsibility in the relationship was mine and mine only with her using the excuse of being beautiful and entitled.
> 
> ...



You know, I actually very much get this. While you were screwing the other women, you were figuratively screwing your wife. Like a "f*ck you, wife, watch this!" type of thing. Made you feel more of a man given you'd been cut down a lot. I understand this, actually, and can relate to it on a much lower level. 

The whole, "if you don't someone else will" really hit home with me. I've gotten that a couple of times when my W got really pissed during an argument. It made me want to throw her crap on the lawn.

Thing is, Ashamed, is it's all a front. It's a front for her terrible self esteem. She must rely on her looks to compensate for something darker inside. And rarely do looks trump bad self image. You know how many pretty girls do really dumb things for the attention of boys? She's said these things to you to cut you down to her level. It's very common. And it worked. It worked so well, you felt awful about your self and got angry. Angry enough to go around nailing women to spite her. 

I'll say it again, you both need a lot of counseling. This is not meant as an insult. It's necessary whether you stay married or not, as she has major self esteem issues, and you have been damaged by them into doing some pretty bad things.

If I'm you, I detach, and work on myself.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Paladin said:


> I keep reading the same phrases from you "..just want to move on.." I can certainly understand the sentiment behind the words. You want to have a better quality of life, for both of you. However, simply "moving on" wont solve any of the issues that you may be facing. In fact, simply "moving on" may just aggravate what caused the problems in the first place. This is of course only my opinion, but I think this is _not_ the time to be "moving on," but instead a time to put the brakes on everything, stop, look at each other and address some of these issues head on.
> 
> A few people have alluded to some of these issues, and a major one seems to be the struggle for who has the "moral high ground." So long as you guys are fighting about who has the right to be more pissed off, the real issues will continue to be ignored and fester. If she is unwilling to do this, or if you are unwilling to do this, perhaps you two should separate for a while and give it some real thought. Being with someone for the sake of "being" with them can only get you so far. You passed that point a long time ago, and so did she.
> 
> ...


I just wanted to take more time before we got married. A few bad fights had really shaken me before we got married. She was a physically abusive woman and would slap the sh1t out of me all the time. I left and she went pretty crazy on me and convinced me to come back. She didn't hit but rarely after that. We had a little baby at the time so I came back. I just wasn't sure about marrying her. She could be so good to me or so mean to me when I wasn't doing for her. To me her love didn't feel real. Within her I didn't feel a genuine concern for me, only for her and her feelings. The fights were just so over the top for me. She is very strong and just about hit like a guy. She threatened suicide when I walked out the door and nearly suceeded. I came back and married her. I've had two long time partners in my life and both have been liars. I wanted time between woman 1 and woman 2. I felt with fights like that we had no chance. My gut feeling told me nobody could please this woman. Her statement about cheating on every person she ever had really gave me serious doubt. I was also told marry or someone else would. Those words did not make me feel special only replaceable.
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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> I just wanted to take more time before we got married. A few bad fights had really shaken me before we got married. She was a physically abusive woman and would slap the sh1t out of me all the time. I left and she went pretty crazy on me and convinced me to come back. She didn't hit but rarely after that. We had a little baby at the time so I came back. I just wasn't sure about marrying her. She could be so good to me or so mean to me when I wasn't doing for her. To me her love didn't feel real. Within her I didn't feel a genuine concern for me, only for her and her feelings. The fights were just so over the top for me. She is very strong and just about hit like a guy. She threatened suicide when I walked out the door and nearly suceeded. I came back and married her. I've had two long time partners in my life and both have been liars. I wanted time between woman 1 and woman 2. I felt with fights like that we had no chance. My gut feeling told me nobody could please this woman. Her statement about cheating on every person she ever had really gave me serious doubt. I was also told marry or someone else would. Those words did not make me feel special only replaceable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jesus, man, after reading this why the heck don't you just get out? Cheating was just the cowardly way to deal with it. I realize your W isnt approachable and that's why. But sheesh, this woman doesn't sound like someone you ever really wanted to be with, so why stay?


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> You know, I actually very much get this. While you were screwing the other women, you were figuratively screwing your wife. Like a "f*ck you, wife, watch this!" type of thing. Made you feel more of a man given you'd been cut down a lot. I understand this, actually, and can relate to it on a much lower level.
> 
> The whole, "if you don't someone else will" really hit home with me. I've gotten that a couple of times when my W got really pissed during an argument. It made me want to throw her crap on the lawn.
> 
> ...


My w1 didn't have it for the looks and cheated more than the woman I am with. I was so naieve and believed everything. I never hardly saw her. The lies I believed were amazing. Then after her I met my wife who just swept me off my feet. The dark side is I have been pushed around and controlled this whole marriage. I don't have any friends or anyone to get support from because I've never had a life. Even over the two year period my wife was cheating daily she was logging into my email and fb. If I leave, then what? I have no support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Jesus, man, after reading this why the heck don't you just get out? Cheating was just the cowardly way to deal with it. I realize your W isnt approachable and that's why. But sheesh, this woman doesn't sound like someone you ever really wanted to be with, so why stay?


Our daughter is doing so well. The years from k-3rd grade we got very close while mom was busy cheating every day. She's an all star 10u softball pitcher and straight a student. We learned pitching together and she was my buddy while all this went on. She is terrified of a divorce and not seeing me and demands to be with me. When parents get wrapped up in affairs the way my wife did the kids literally lose a parent. My wife hated both of us at the peak of the affair. My wife didn't understand why our daughter wasn't close to her. Like me our daughter was ignored too. I cheated but never got close to anybody where it affected my life that way. I'm afraid of so much. My daughter has a bright future if I can just hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Seeing my daughter pitch is something. She has my wife's type strength and was clocking 40 last fall when she was 8. She throws fastballs, change ups and sliders. She went undefeated as a pitcher. The older team mates would mob her with hugs. If everybody could feel such love, lol. I've had so many great times being a father. My daughter does everything my way because she's always right there with me everywhere I go. I took her school shopping three falls in a row. Now it's basketball season. I love seeing the toughness in her. It gives my life a lot of purpose. I want to save things for the sake of my girl. I've put my time and life into it. I'd take 50 more girls like the one I have. We really bonded over the three years mom took off from me.
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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Well yesterday evening went great. I got home and she had dinner and tomorrows lunch packed for me. I gave her a hug and kissed her to show my appreciation and told her too. She was quiet about bad stuff and we hung out, made love, and had nice words. She even dressed up for me. For me it felt like the morale boost I needed to fight on and keep this family going. I won't assume today will be so great I am back at work but it was nice to get my heart warmed enough to feel like all this is worth it. It's tough having to be gone. When things go nuclear at home I can't be there.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem I see in you marriage down the road is that your wife will likely start back up cheating. There doesn't seem to be any lover or compassion from her. She's an abusive belittling chester.

It's s shame your daughter is greening up with an abusive cheating mother and a whipped abused father.

Get some guts and get out with your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The problem I see in you marriage down the road is that your wife will likely start back up cheating. There doesn't seem to be any lover or compassion from her. She's an abusive belittling chester.
> 
> It's s shame your daughter is greening up with an abusive cheating mother and a whipped abused father.
> 
> ...


I'm thankful my daughter knows nothing of our issues. Kids don't always know why parents ignore them and our daughter had no clue. She just went to me over that time. For a very long time I felt like a single father because my wife did not come to bed with me and rarely left the computer. Me and my daughter began attending church two years ago. My daughter did not know anything about god and I didn't want her to grow up never knowing. I worried she'd end up a person like me. My going to church at first was for my daughters benefit. I figured there was no hope for me. The first year I went but truly wasn't listening. A new pastor really made a connection with me and has done so much to help me get the fufillment I always needed and come clean with the sins and change my ways. I didn't want to be who I was. I felt bad every day with who I was. I didn't want to tell my wife what I had done. For fear of alot of things. Years ago she went mad on me and threw a knife right into my leg. I have a huge scar to show for it. I wish I could get my wife to go with me but she just won't. I think it would help her too. Just like me she has issues too. 

Over the summer I really fell for my wife again. We got along really well last year. Not a fight almost all year. She started having good sex with me. I really believed she loved me and I was giving it my all because I thought, finally after all this time things were finally good. 3 days before my d day almost four months ago my wife had kissed me like she hadn't in years. I really thought we had a connection till I read the cell phone messages three days later. She texted other men from the minute she woke up to the minute she went to bed. Sexually, pictures, suggestive, everything. What really hurt me and still does is that I thought finally this marriage was going to work. In all she gave her phone number to 15 men over the course of one year all while things seemed great with us. She made good on the promise I felt she always would of getting someone else. She got lots of someone else's. I cheated too though. It had everything to do with my resentment of this woman. 

If she can just stay off my case, who knows maybe we can work towards having something genuine for the first time. I'm willing to put in the work. I won't tolerate the get it elsewhere comments. I know how to catch her and will if she does it again. If she does I am done. I have no platonic female aquantances and she has no platonic male aquantances. She deleted all of mine. I'm fine there. I think it will be much harder for her than it ever was for me. I just wanted to feel my wife loved me. She made the rules so lets see if she herself can follow them.

I don't know if I'm whipped or just flat out afraid of being alone plus losing my daughter for no less than half a week. I've had two relationships since I was 18 and now I am 37 years old. For the most part I've never been alone my entire adult life. The difference between us as parents is that I make time for my daughter and enjoy doing it. My wife seems to think it's an inconvenience and chore to go away from what she wants to do to doing for someone else. I'd really like my wife to get close to my daughter and do things like take her shopping and teach her stuff girls do. I have an older step daughter who is now 19 that I am very close to. I taught her driving and bought her a car all while her mom was busy cheating on me. I spent a few months teaching her how to drive a five speed. She had such low self esteem. I enjoyed making her a believer in herself. I always was the one to take her to her school open houses while mom was on the computer interested in something else. She has been neglected by her mother her whole life. I feel really bad about that. I don't want my daughter falling into the hands of a parent who only worries about their own needs. My daughter is doing so well and is confident and happy. Very different from the child my stepdaughter was. I never realized but when my wife was dating me her mom paid no attention to her when she was 8 years old. Men and attention from men are the only source of happiness my wife can have. My wife missed out years of our daughter and many wonderful memories that only me and my daughter share. I attended every practice for softball and basketball, every school open house and when I'm off I walk to school with her. Me and my daughter saw many beautiful sunsets while we were practicing pitching. It always put tears in my eyes how she would look up at me and tell me "i love you dad" as we left the field. My love for my daughter makes me really want to try with my wife. That love was a major driver in me changing my cheating ways. I really wanted to be someone she respected and betraying her mother was a very very shameful thing to do. 

I grew up in a situation full of substance abuse and abuse period. I hardly ever got to be a kid because of the things I have been through and witnessed. I have one parent left because my dad killed himself with his substance abuse when I was still a teenager. I don't talk to my mother much although she was not the abuser she is a very cold woman who I rarely speak with. I make a six figure income and to my mom I am still a failure. Even though the situation between me and my wife isn't the perfect world compared to what I grew up with my daughter is living a fairy tale. I really want to give her a chance to come out of childhood without so many of the issues that I had and have a chance to be happy in life. My daughter has felt lots of love from me. I give lots of hugs. Growing up I really didn't feel any love. It's what drove me to accept and stay with my wife. Tearing the family apart would get very ugly as my wife is a very vengeful woman and I do believe she would get me every way possible. I don't want to wreck the perfect world my daughter has. Well not perfect but adequate. I wish leaving was just that easy but it's not. I'd have no problem focusing on being a good father. I understand what my purpose is and will follow through with the mission. I have no more desire to go chasing any women because I want my daughter to be happy have a good person in her life to look up to. Since my wife's infidelity has stopped my wife goes places with me and spends time with our daughter and goes to see her games and practices so she has been a much better mother once all the distractions were taken away. 

Sorry this is long. Truly great to have anyone listening.


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