# Confessed Porn Usage to Wife, now what?



## ironwithin

My wife and I have been together for 9 1/2 years, married for 4. Overall we have a great relationship, we have fun together, our sex life is awesome, and we have a 1 year old daughter who we both adore. Anyways, over the course of our relationship, I have occasionally (once every couple of months) used porn as a stress reliever. I stopped doing it when my wife became pregnant with our daughter, deleted all the porn on my computer (or so I thought) and went on with life. Well last week my wife and I were looking thru our photos on my laptop and out of nowhere some porn pops up. Naturally she was extremely angry, she has caught me looking at it before, and she started grilling me. I'm not sure what made me do it but I told her everything and it was kind of a relief, at first. 

She didn't even talk to me for 2 days, when we finally did discuss it I told her that we could set up an account with Covenant Eyes, she could have the passwords to all my email accounts (I have three), and not "check out" other women (this has been a problem in the past). I showed her the Covenant Eyes website and told her that I didnt even want to know her login name and to set it up for our computers and my smartphone and walked away. As far as I can tell she hasnt set it up, no charges on our bank account, no new downloads on the computer, etc. She doesnt really talk to me except to bark orders or accuse me of checking out her friends butt or sleeping with her, she just sits on the couch and glares at me when she even acknowledges me, and she has basically stopped doing all housework and has left it to me. 

At first I was OK with it, whatever helped get us thru this. Now though I'm not sure how much longer I can do it, physically that is. When I get home from work at 7pm I'm expected to cook dinner, feed our daughter, give her a bath, clean up the kitchen, living room, do any chores that need to be done, and finally get our daughter to sleep and in bed. I stumble into bed around 12:00-12:30am. Then I get up at 5 and it starts all over again. I'm exhausted but I'm afraid to say anything to her. 

I know its only been a week, I guess I just need to know if I should just suck it up and be patient or if I should try to talk to her about it.


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## Mavash.

Okay this is nuts. Looking at porn every couple of months is not enough to stonewall you with silence and dumping ALL the housework on you.

Dude you seriously need to put your foot down and stop this childish behavior. This is not how grownups solve problems. Geesh.


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## ironwithin

Believe me I agree, I have tried to discuss it with her, hell I've tried talking to her about other stuff as well but I just get the death glare and she ignores me. My biggest fear is that she is going to take my daughter and take off back to seattle. If that happens I might see my daughter once a year (seattle is around 2000 miles from us). 
I just reread my OP and i need to make some corrections, we have a great relationship as long as I dont make waves i.e. confront her on her mistakes, hang out with my friends "too much" (her words) (until recently I havent gone out with friends for years) or want a little time for myself. Dont get me wrong I love wife but yes she can really immature at times.


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## MrsOldNews

Sounds like she's extremely controlling. Doesn't make for a very healthy marriage IMO. Have you considered counseling. Maybe hearing from an unbiased opinion that infrequent use of porn is a non issue. But an adult acting like a child to get her way is a BIG issue.


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## wiigirl

Mavash. said:


> Okay this is nuts. Looking at porn every couple of months is not enough to stonewall you with silence and dumping ALL the housework on you.
> 
> Dude you seriously need to put your foot down and stop this childish behavior. This is not how grownups solve problems. Geesh.












I would actually say the same thing....but be gentle about it. There is obviously an issue.


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## costa200

Did you sign up the contract for when you get your gonads back? I've seen cheaters getting less pain over banging everything on sight. 



> At first I was OK with it, whatever helped get us thru this. Now though I'm not sure how much longer I can do it, physically that is. When I get home from work at 7pm I'm expected to cook dinner, feed our daughter, give her a bath, clean up the kitchen, living room, do any chores that need to be done, and finally get our daughter to sleep and in bed. I stumble into bed around 12:00-12:30am. Then I get up at 5 and it starts all over again. I'm exhausted but I'm afraid to say anything to her.


It seems your wife found a great way to enslave you! But it's really your fault, cuz you allowed it. 



> Anyways, over the course of our relationship, I have occasionally (once every couple of months) used porn as a stress reliever.


While your wife offered you the best sex you could expect every time you wanted?


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## ironwithin

Counseling is a great idea, I dont know why I havent thought of it before. Could it be the lying about the porn thats actually the issue?

@costa200: Ouch, you dont pull any punches do you. Yes I know that its my fault that I let her walk all over me. And by the way she has my spine as well.


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## costa200

ironwithin said:


> Counseling is a great idea, I dont know why I havent thought of it before. Could it be the lying about the porn thats actually the issue?
> 
> @costa200: Ouch, you dont pull any punches do you. Yes I know that its my fault that I let her walk all over me. And by the way she has my spine as well.


Get it back buddy. This stuff is way out of line. She may not have been happy with you having porn and looking at that, but the penalty is way out of line. I'm getting the feeling that you live for your woman. Beware that it may end up badly for you. The more you debase yourself the less she will respect you. You are basically making yourself less attractive every time you do it. 

You don't keep married by letting your woman neuter you.


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## chasing_rainbows

ironwithin said:


> Counseling is a great idea, I dont know why I havent thought of it before. Could it be the lying about the porn thats actually the issue?
> 
> @costa200: Ouch, you dont pull any punches do you. Yes I know that its my fault that I let her walk all over me. And by the way she has my spine as well.


wow, that's a really tough situation, even small lies can really cause damage, but wow.... I'm not an expert by any means, but there's a forum member, can't remember the name at the moment, (something like Blast? not sure) who had a lot of great insight about the never ending porn question.....


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## ironwithin

So I talked to her a bit ago, told her that we need marriage counseling and that I'm done being her slave and that we need to discuss this like adults. Her reply was "I dont need to do anything, you need to shut up and do as your told!" It went downhill rapidly after that. I got a text from her saying that she quit her job and is already out of town. I dont really believe her because she wouldnt leave all of her stuff behind and our daughter is sitting on the floor in front of me. If she is gone, well, I have my daughter and thats what counts.


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## costa200

> "I dont need to do anything, you need to shut up and do as your told!"


WOW... 



> I got a text from her saying that she quit her job and is already out of town. I dont really believe her because she wouldnt leave all of her stuff behind and our daughter is sitting on the floor in front of me.


Manipulation... She is expecting you to grovel for her.


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## SomedayDig

Iron, I don't usually post here but your thread caught my eye.

I'm sorry for sounding so over-the-top, but holy CRAP!!! Is your wife living in the Victorian era? Seriously. You looked at porn a few times and she's acting like THAT??

As others have stated there is a serious imbalance of control in your household. You need to find a way to equal ground. That, however seems inaccessible since she said you need to "shut up and do as you're told". 

Words fail me, now...


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## Mavash.

Do you have to make sure the towels in the bathroom are lined up too?


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## PBear

Check out the "dadsdivorce" forum, and start by understanding your rights with a lawyer. She can't run off with your child unless you let her. Then sign up for individual counseling so you can understand your role in your current issues. Hopefully these things will give you the tools you need to stand up for yourself. 

Also, check out the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life" threads in the men's forum.

C


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## Blanca

ironwithin said:


> Believe me I agree, I have tried to discuss it with her, hell I've tried talking to her about other stuff as well but I just get the death glare and she ignores me....we have a great relationship as long as I dont make waves i.e. confront her on her mistakes, hang out with my friends "too much" (her words) (until recently I havent gone out with friends for years) or want a little time for myself. Dont get me wrong I love wife but yes she can really immature at times.


My H and I went through this, too. I caught him looking at porn and I exploded. It wasn't so much the porn that made me angry as it was the overall feeling that he wasn't that interested in me. He would also check out other girls and I thought he was gone too much. But we also had a horrible sex life, although I don't think he would have concurred on that point. He probably thought we had a decent sex life. I got very angry and started telling him what he could and couldn't do. I didn't realize it at the time but I was trying to micro-manage his life in order to try and get that feeling from him. Obviously that doesn't work. 

My H was a lot like you- afraid to make me angry. He couldn't stand up to me and built up a lot of anger and resentment too. To turn our relationship around we did a boundary book together. It's called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. The book was especially upsetting for me and it took us a year to go through it because I would get really, really angry when he started saying that I was doing things to upset him. I felt he had no right to be upset. So it took awhile but completely turned our relationship around. It also helped me to realize that porn was not the problem; the problem is I just don't think he's that interested in me.


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## Blanca

ironwithin said:


> I got a text from her saying that she quit her job and is already out of town.


I used to do that, too. It was just a way to try and get his attention and try and force him to show that he cared. I "left" him about a dozen times.


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## Jibril

The solution depends on how patient you are, Ironwithin. Your wife sounds like she needs a lot of introspection, and she may not be willing to analyze herself, since she's convinced that _you_ are the problem, porn-addicted, lying, womanizing cheat, that you are. (Her words, I'm sure, not mine). Convincing her to read the "Boundaries in Marriage" book Blanca described, or to go to counseling... that sounds like a feat in itself.

The marital situation you're describing is outright dysfunctional, and unhealthy. You work and do all the housework, so what the hell is _she_ doing, exactly? The issue is that it isn't your _job_ to "fix" your wife's controlling behavior, or her anger. You can try and be a nice guy, and help her through this, but if she's going to stonewall you and be abusive about things, I think you'd be better off divorcing her. Unless you married her for the sole purpose of being her slave and whipping boy.

What really gets me is that you're afraid that she'll take your kid away and run off. So I take it she's threatened you with this before, eh? And you cannot confront her about anything without her being emotionally abusive and cruel? 

"*I dont need to do anything, you need to shut up and do as your told!*"

And then what? You shut up and did what you were told? How much crap are you willing to take? She can be as abusive as she wants to you, and all she has to do is get mad to get you to back down? What if she had an inappropriate relationship with another man? What if she was having an affair? She could get you to back off and take it by simply barking at you?

I don't know, man. You need to be able to pull the power-rug out from under her feet, but the only way I can see that happening is if you file for divorce. Sure, you'd be ending the marriage, but at least you'd be in control of your life.


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## warlock07

she sounds like a nutcase. Any other suspicious behavior from her in general?


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## missymrs80

Ive never heard of porn popping up out of nowhere. Are you really being honest with youself? Your marriage needs some help and this seems to be the catalyst.


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## missymrs80

Why did you two date for 5.5 years? Just curious


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## Emerald

missymrs80 said:


> Ive never heard of porn popping up out of nowhere. Are you really being honest with youself? Your marriage needs some help and this seems to be the catalyst.


I have looked at porn in the past & am always on my computer & it never "pops up out of nowhere."

What other things/behaviours on your part have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage?

Be honest.


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