# What do y’all think? Abusive or am I overreacting?



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

My husband and I have been on the ropes for a while. For my birthday, he took me out of town. Pulled out all the stops. Fancy hotel, couples massage... we had a great time. As we were walking into the hotel at the end of the day, I saw a man approach kenn and start talking to him. Kenn looked at me and said “let’s go cheryl” 
Now I am an empath. I hate for anyone to be rude to people. It’s a blessing and a curse. I felt like kenn was rude to the man, so for about 3 seconds I asked the man how he was. Kenn looked at me again, reiterated, let’s GO and we left. 
kenn was HOOOT mad and said the man was drunk and why didn’t I leave right away. I asked him to wait and chat about it in our room and he was angry that I was putting him off. “So you’ll talk to a drunk man, but not me?”
We went up to the room and he explained for a good while about how angry he was and how disloyal I was. I apologized over and over but it was not enough. I tried to initiate sex but he was still furious. 
The next morning, I woke up and he was gone. He claimed he had gotten lost at the beach. No biggie, I checked us out and sat by the pool. He later admitted he wasn’t actually lost, just wanted to get back at me. He told me I needed to make up for what I did by sucking his **** that night. Now, I don’t have a problem with oral sex, but I didn’t like the way it was presented and declined. He’s mad.
during the drive, he started yelling about losing a chess game. Just several loud yelps. I reminded him that I had an ear infection and sensitive ears and that he was hurting them. He started mimicking back what I had said in response to the drunk man situation. “I’m sorry. I’m not actually doing anything WRONg. I’ll TRY to stop”. Yadayada. I ended up in tears with a towel covering my affected ear. He stopped yelling but no apology. He started trying to talk to me, but I was mad by then and I gave him the cold shoulder. He said, well if you don’t respond I’ll just have to be louder! Knowing this would hurt my ears. So I started simply answering yes to anything he said. He finally left me alone and told me that when I could stop throwing a tantrum and talk to him, to let him know. 
part of me feels like this behavior was abusive. I wish I had just walked away when he asked me to. I just felt like his level of anger didn’t match the situation. I don’t know... he was hurt,and felt I was dismissing his feelings and not validating him. Thoughts?


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Is this an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I lose chess games all the time but I don’t get unhinged and start yelling. There’s something wrong with Ken methinks and it’s maybe even riding in Barbie’s pink Corvette!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ken is an absolute bastard. What a man child!


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He sounds very abusive. Any other red flags? How long have you two been together? Is he explosive like this often? Leaving you alone at night was a definite sign of abuse. Next time he may demand you get off the car if he gets upset. Has he done that or left you sitting by yourself or simply left you and took off? 

I have a sister whose soon to be husband was like that. She broke the wedding off. He was an abusive nightmare. She dodged a bullet.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So he was angry. Ok fine.

His behavior towards you afterwards was over the line. 

He owes you an apology. Now let's see if he's willing to give you one.


----------



## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

sideways said:


> So he was angry. Ok fine.
> 
> *His behavior towards you afterwards was over the line.*
> 
> He owes you an apology. Now let's see if he's willing to give you one.


I agree with above but I do get annoyed when people who are supposed to be close to me judge me on how I treat someone they don't know and know very little.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

His suspected perspective: You didn’t talk to HIM first about why he was rude to the man. He may have had a darn good reason. You chose to jump to the aid of a stranger before talking with your husband. I would think you should have more faith in him if you married him. If my friend did that, I’d immediately know if he was rude that something was up, because he is NOT that way, even under huge stressful situations.

Also: Silent treatment is a tool of emotional abuse. However, your husband did some vile things. Run off and leave you alone (similar time silent treatment— abandonment) is awful.
Telling you to duck his quack as an apology? That is unconscionable to anyone. Surprisingly , over the top wrong.

Yes, it was a horrible incident. Does he go crazy often?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yeah he's abusive and vengeful. I really hope you didn't blow him after him telling you you had to for that reason. 

But I will say that you two should be backing each other up in public. He wanted a way to get away from that guy and all you did was prolong talking to the guy. If you knew he was wanting to get away from him I would be more likely to provide him a good alibi and back him up and say something like, yes we need to be going or we're going to be late. That way you have smooths over any hurt feelings the drunk may have had while still backing your husband up and getting away.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Yeah he's abusive and vengeful"?

How do you know that? 

His actions in the example given he was, but how do you know if this is how he is all the time? OP never said he was or gave other examples. 

Someone may tell a lie.
That means they lied.
That doesn't mean that they should be branded a liar.


----------



## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> His suspected perspective: You didn’t talk to HIM first about why he was rude to the man. He may have had a darn good reason. You chose to jump to the aid of a stranger before talking with your husband.


I really take issue with this. My exH and my mother have quite often undercut me with third parties and it's very annoying. People who like to say that they NEVER lie, but regularly engage in selective hearing, memory and site is rather hypocritical. I have dated a couple of guys who would not take "no" for an answer. So if I saw them in public (and since my sister was playing informant with one), I had to be really rude to them or else they start thinking "she wants to jump my bones,NOW!"

Does this make you feel important; superior, forgiving Christian or what? Do you do this often with him? Just when he says "we're really busy next week," do you break in with "we have lots of free time."

Have you undercut him before?


----------



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Is this an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


It’s def a


Elizabeth001 said:


> Is this an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


its def a pattern but one we have been trying to work through. He was livid when I asked a guy one day last week what time church ended, but I apologized enough to simmer him down.


Elizabeth001 said:


> Is this an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


it’s a pattern we are trying to work through. He has apologized for letting his anger out on me, but wants sex from me to make up for my mistake.


----------



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

sideways said:


> So he was angry. Ok fine.
> 
> His behavior towards you afterwards was over the line.
> 
> He owes you an apology. Now let's see if he's willing to give you one.


He has apologized for His anger. Just want to have sex with him now to make up for my mistake.


----------



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> He has apologized for His anger. Just want to have sex with him now to make up for my mistake.


Wants ne


NTA said:


> I really take issue with this. My exH and my mother have quite often undercut me with third parties and it's very annoying. People who like to say that they NEVER lie, but regularly engage in selective hearing, memory and site is rather hypocritical. I have dated a couple of guys who would not take "no" for an answer. So if I saw them in public (and since my sister was playing informant with one), I had to be really rude to them or else they start thinking "she wants to jump my bones,NOW!"
> 
> Does this make you feel important; superior, forgiving Christian or what? Do you do this often with him? Just when he says "we're really busy next week," do you break in with "we have lots of free time."
> 
> Have you undercut him before?


I don’t think it’s a superiority, or Christian thing. I care way too much about other peoples feelings. It’s something I’m working through with a therapist. And yes, I could definitely see why he would be upset. I think he just maybe took it too far.


----------



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah he's abusive and vengeful. I really hope you didn't blow him after him telling you you had to for that reason.
> 
> But I will say that you two should be backing each other up in public. He wanted a way to get away from that guy and all you did was prolong talking to the guy. If you knew he was wanting to get away from him I would be more likely to provide him a good alibi and back him up and say something like, yes we need to be going or we're going to be late. That way you have smooths over any hurt feelings the drunk may have had while still backing your husband up and getting away.


No blowing lol. He still pretty mad about that. And yes, I realize my mistake. I wish I could take it back and just have walked away.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> No blowing lol. He still pretty mad about that. And yes, I realize my mistake. I wish I could take it back and just have walked away.


Don't feel that bad. Your instincts were not to be mean to a stranger, hardly a Cardinal Sin. You just overlooked backing up your spouse in a situation -- but I mean, he is mean and abusive, so there may be instances where you would NOT want to go along with him if he's out of line and being a bully.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He definately seems like a real dik! Acts badly against you, accuses you of not being loyal to him and disappears for hours then blame shifts it to you? 

I would be wondering what girl he has been with. He sounds like a cheater that treats their spouse badly due to coping with their own actions.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It sounds like great childishness and drama on both sides.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> I don’t think it’s a superiority, or Christian thing. I care way too much about other peoples feelings. It’s something I’m working through with a therapist. And yes, I could definitely see why he would be upset. I think he just maybe took it too far.


A lot of guys aren't taught how to firmly express their needs with women anymore. You get a lot of messaging about protecting, respecting, but the part where you have to sit her down, tell her you love her but if she does that again this relationship isn't going to work often gets left out. So they end up getting angry and tantruming instead.

Think of him as a guy fumbling to undo your bra because he's too ignorant to know the proper way to do it. His anger is really at himself for being weak and impotent. I would tell him a few more times that you were wrong, that you're never going to prioritize some strangers feelings over his again, but that you're not going to tolerate him acting like that toward you. That he needs to work on his communication. Help him learn and set boundaries at the same time. That whole sitting down and being direct thing runs both ways.


----------



## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

I will say that your husband needs to stop acting like a child. He said some things and did somethings to you he should not have and yes I would call those things abusive. I will also say that you should not have talked to that man. By doing so, you disrespected your husband and put yourself at risk. Lessons for both to learn and grow from.


----------

