# A response to NC



## Vapbt (Oct 31, 2015)

I'm not married, but I've posted here before and gotten such wonderful advice in reference to my divorced partner.

To make a long story short, I dated a divorced man for a little over a year. Things were incredible. I loved him. He met my parents, I met and loved his kids. We communicated amazingly well, we had a great shared sense of humor, a wonderful foundation of friendship. There were talks of marriage in the future. When he decided to move in with me, all of a sudden his exWife pipes in that she is willing to give their marriage (was 18 years) a second shot...and give my BF a second shot at being a full time dad. He always struggled with not seeing his young son on a daily basis.

So he left. As painful and horrific as it was, I let him go. I secretly hoped that the same problems that caused them to divorce would crop up and we could reconcile. I felt he needed to see this through to be done. I went not contact, with love.

About three weeks in, he starts posting (public) subliminal messages to me through Facebook. Love songs, old memories, things that I'd connect with us. I lovingly told him to stop and I left social media. He stopped. Two weeks again of total NC and he contacts me, wanting to talk. I agree, but the talk isn't about his future plans to be together. It consists of how much he loves and misses me, talk about the kids, about life. I do love and miss him horribly.

Finally, I tell him under no uncertain terms that he is never to contact me again unless he is ready to pursue our relationship. He needs to face his decision and find out what he needs in life, and not with me on the side. I say this kindly, with no anger. No response. He deletes our messaging app. No response. It's so out of character because we faced many challenges in our relationship and our ability to communicate and problem solve was our greatest asset. He has never shut me out, never gone cold.

I feel like I've lost him. I feel like I've hurt him beyond repair. I feel like any chance we had to reconcile in the future is gone.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

so..you asked him to go NC, and now you're sad he did?

sounds like he wanted you as a side piece.

don't be anyone's Plan B.


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## Vapbt (Oct 31, 2015)

I'm hurt by his response, yes. We had always addressed difficulty with love and compassion for one another, even when things ended. I've never had him go cold. Never had him slam the door, never had him no communicate. And, frankly, I wanted to go NC to let him figure his **** out with the possibility he'd find out he wanted to be back with me. I was OK to give him that space, but I did not want to be the soft landing or the side piece while he figured it out--hence NC. But now, it seems, everything's just on fire.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

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Vapbt said:


> I
> Do you want to degrade yourself into being a side piece? Also, I feel like I've hurt him beyond repair. I feel like any chance we had to reconcile in the future is gone.


 Isn't the above how you feel and felt. He dropped you to be with his kids AND HIS WIFE. 

Don't fall for the "I'm doing this for my kids" bull crap. Do you really want to degrade yourself into being a side piece?

He made a choice, you didn't.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

He chose to be with his ex-wife and his children.
I know that it hurts, but you shouldn't be the cookie crumb he picks from his plate after eating a box of Oreos.

I'm sure he misses you and loves you as well - but again - *he chose to be with his wife and children*.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vapbt,

You do not want to be with someone who goes back to his W, then back to you, then back to his W, it is a form of emotional torture. Please disconnect completely from this man it is not worth sacrificing your emotional health for someone who will never fully commit to or love you. If you want drama in your life watch TV.

Even if he leaves his W again he will still be connected to her via his children. 

There is a very strong possibility btw that whatever stories this man told you about his W are lies.

Tamat


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For whatever reason, he decided life with his family was better than a life with you but he wanted to remain in close contact with you. You told him that was unacceptable and he needed to maintain no contact. Now, he's abiding by your wishes and it's for the best that he does. Yes, it hurts but you really don't want a man who's that indecisive. No matter how much you wish the situation were different, it isn't. Time to move on.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Vapbt said:


> I feel like I've lost him. I feel like I've hurt him beyond repair. I feel like any chance we had to reconcile in the future is gone.


I feel like, in a few months, you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars that you ditched this guy.

Boundaries are really important in relationships. You need to make sure that your boundaries don't allow this man into your territory any more, in any way, at any time. He had his chance, he made his choice, and you should never let him have even a little piece of your heart again.

Go out and meet new people. Develop new interests. Find new hobbies. Exercise. Make sure that when this guy tries to slither back into your life that you are just too busy to give him any of your time.

Go find a guy who likes you so much that the only people he will treasure more than you are the children you have together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emotionally detach from this man for your own sake, it will only bring heartache. Find another man who will be all in with your because he doesn't have any baggage.


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