# My boyfriend is having a baby with someone else...advice please



## RockSteady1

Thank you in advance for reading this, and I also apologize in advance for how long it is.

My ex-fiance and I ended our relationship just over a year ago. It was a joint decision and we were both heartbroken. He is 2 years younger than me and at the time his parents were going through a pretty brutal divorce, and he basically couldn't bear the thought of getting married and making plans for our future when his own family was absolutely devastated. Initially we just called off the wedding but a few weeks later we had a really good talk and he admitted that he had been pretty much going along with what I wanted (marriage, having kids) because it was I wanted and he wanted to be with me. I asked him if maybe we should take a step back for a while so he can figure things out (I didn't want to force him into anything) and he agreed. So we split.

Initially we didn't really talk much, but within about 3 months we were hanging out in a "friend" type situation which just gradually increased until we were hanging out at least once or twice a week. (I had been on a couple of dates with a guy and we got on really well, but nothing happened because I still had feelings for my ex). Then we started sleeping together again, keeping it on a very casual basis. At this point we kind of mutually agreed that if either of us met someone else we would tell each other before we did anything. I almost wanted to back away from the fear of this happening, as I was and am still very much in love with him. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle watching him be with someone else, and not wanting to lose the friendship as well as the relationship.

So this continued until about 6 weeks ago when he asked me if I wanted to get back together. So we got back together and have been seeing each other almost every day since. Well...that was until I went to his mother's house with him for dinner and she asked me how I felt about the baby. What baby? I asked. And that is when I found out that he had had a very casual sexual relationship (they slept together twice) with another woman and she was pregnant. He has known since a few days after we got back together that he was having a baby with someone else and not told me. But he told his mother.

He swears there is nothing between them now and that he was going to tell me that same night. But now I am really confused, angry and hurt. I don't know if I can handle him being excited about this baby when we broke up in the first place because he wasn't ready to have a baby with me...which he now says he's ready for, but I have to watch him do that with someone else. Or don't I?


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## SecondTime'Round

That's a pretty major thing not to tell you. No, you don't have watch him be excited about that baby. 

I'd be worried about his future truthfulness about other issues.


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## Hicks

You think he's great, his actions show he is not a good person, but regardless this is not a good situation to marry into.

Your children will have a father who is a father to another child born out of a casual relationship. This will forever tarnish your and your children's lives (not to mention the life of this innocent child).


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## jld

Run, girlfriend. You are his comfort, his known safety, at a stressful time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

RockSteady1 said:


> Thank you in advance for reading this, and I also apologize in advance for how long it is.
> 
> My ex-fiance and I ended our relationship just over a year ago. It was a joint decision and we were both heartbroken. He is 2 years younger than me and at the time his parents were going through a pretty brutal divorce, and he basically couldn't bear the thought of getting married and making plans for our future when his own family was absolutely devastated. Initially we just called off the wedding but a few weeks later we had a really good talk and he admitted that he had been pretty much going along with what I wanted (marriage, having kids) because it was I wanted and he wanted to be with me. I asked him if maybe we should take a step back for a while so he can figure things out (I didn't want to force him into anything) and he agreed. So we split.
> 
> Initially we didn't really talk much, but within about 3 months we were hanging out in a "friend" type situation which just gradually increased until we were hanging out at least once or twice a week. (I had been on a couple of dates with a guy and we got on really well, but nothing happened because I still had feelings for my ex). Then we started sleeping together again, keeping it on a very casual basis. At this point we kind of mutually agreed that if either of us met someone else we would tell each other before we did anything. I almost wanted to back away from the fear of this happening, as I was and am still very much in love with him. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle watching him be with someone else, and not wanting to lose the friendship as well as the relationship.
> 
> So this continued until about 6 weeks ago when he asked me if I wanted to get back together. So we got back together and have been seeing each other almost every day since. Well...that was until I went to his mother's house with him for dinner and she asked me how I felt about the baby. What baby? I asked. And that is when I found out that he had had a very casual sexual relationship (they slept together twice) with another woman and she was pregnant. He has known since a few days after we got back together that he was having a baby with someone else and not told me. But he told his mother.
> 
> He swears there is nothing between them now and that he was going to tell me that same night. But now I am really confused, angry and hurt. I don't know if I can handle him being excited about this baby when we broke up in the first place because he wasn't ready to have a baby with me...which he now says he's ready for, but I have to watch him do that with someone else. Or don't I?


You certinaly don't have to do anything. But if you decide to stay I assume he will make a good faith effort to be in his kids life correct?


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## New_Beginnings

I can understand going through something but sounds like parents issues was used a crutch to do his own thing. He quickly jumped into sleeping with other people. 

I sure hope he mans up and handles responsibility. If he promised you babies and marriage, then this. I'm not sure id stick around for the feelings to come and continued lonnnng bumpy road ahead with many mixed feelings. I'd rather move on and one day build a life with someone who truly is wanting to build something with me and not waiting to stick his area in another woman...


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## ihatethis

If you decide to stay, just know how hard it is going to be on you. He and this casual relationship woman, will be in communication for the next at least 19 years. There will be custody issues, child support, etc. And you will be witness to it all.

I'm not saying it CAN'T work but it WILL NOT be easy.


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## VeryHurt

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to say, "Thanks but no thanks" to your old fiancee and sign up for Match.com.
Be Strong & Be Wise


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## unbelievable

Babies don't come from casual contact with other humans. They come from sexual penetration and they forever link both parents into some form of a relationship. Toss him back. He was capable of fathering a child around age 12 but that doesn't make him a man and it damned sure doesn't make him husband or even boyfriend material. Infidelity and dishonesty are no way to start off a relationship. That is especially true when the guy is going to necessarily come with a permanent relationship with another woman and her child.


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## ConanHub

Let this one go.

For future reference.

If you want to keep a relationship with someone, even if you're holding out any hope for a future with them, never date anyone else and NEVER HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!

Hard lesson to learn but at least you aren't pregnant too.

Don't paint this situation better than it is. It sucks and you have no obligations.

Move on and be wiser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

RockSteady1 said:


> So this continued until about 6 weeks ago when he asked me if I wanted to get back together. So we got back together and have been seeing each other almost every day since. Well...that was until I went to his mother's house with him for dinner and she asked me how I felt about the baby. What baby? I asked. And that is when I found out that he had had a very casual sexual relationship (they slept together twice) with another woman and she was pregnant. He has known since a few days after we got back together that he was having a baby with someone else and not told me. *But he told his mother.*  Well, she's the GRandma in this situation.
> 
> He swears there is nothing between them now *and that he was going to tell me that same night.* But now I am really confused, angry and hurt. I don't know if I can handle him being excited about this baby when we broke up in the first place because he wasn't ready to have a baby with me...which he now says he's ready for, but I have to watch him do that with someone else. Or don't I?


If you believe that....... well, there's no hope for you.


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## MRR

wait...

so he found out the girl was pregnant and then right away asked you to get back together? 

it almost sounds like he knew he was going to lose you and tried to lock you back down before you found out. which...is deceitful. 

further, sounds like he is all about himself. 

i know easier said than done, but you have no ties to him...move on.


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## tech-novelist

You should thank your lucky stars that he is only your boyfriend and not your husband, because that would be much harder to solve.

In your case all you have to say is "I wish you the best of luck with that." and walk out.


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## badsanta

RockSteady1 said:


> ..We broke up in the first place because *he wasn't ready to have a baby with me.*
> 
> ...And that is when I found out that he had had a *very casual sexual relationship (they slept together twice) with another woman and she was pregnant.* .
> 
> ..*which he now says he's ready for*, but I have to watch him do that with someone else. Or don't I?



Are you ready to casually help him make child support payments to this other woman?



> *$241,080*
> It will cost an estimated $241,080 for a middle-income couple to raise a child born last year for 18 years, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture report.


Regards,
Badsanta


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## BetrayedDad

RockSteady1 said:


> He has known since a few days after we got back together that he was having a baby with someone else and not told me. But he told his mother.


He knew it BEFORE he asked you to get back together.

Don't be a FOOL. 



RockSteady1 said:


> He swears there is nothing between them now and that he was going to tell me that same night.


Yeah okay. He had SIX weeks to tell you and he happened to pick the night JUST before his mom spilled the beans (which was no accident either.)

Don't be a FOOL.



RockSteady1 said:


> I don't know if I can handle him being excited about this baby when we broke up in the first place because he wasn't ready to have a baby with me...which he now says he's ready for, but I have to watch him do that with someone else. Or don't I?


Lady RUN the fvck away! You really still want this clown after he knock up some rando from a bar or where ever the hell he picked her up?

He's only using you now because he has NO IDEA how he's going to support this kid without your help. 

Congrats you've been promoted from ex gf to babysitter and child support piggy bank. 

Just thank god he didn't knock YOU up. He sounds like a fvcking scumbag liar. Don't be a FOOL.


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## Omego

Why would he have unprotected sex with a casual partner? How responsible is that? No, just no. There's nothing to even think about here. Be thankful that you're not married to him or expecting his child. I'm sure you do love him and that this hurts, but it will hurt much much worse as when the baby is born and even before. Rest assured that the casual partner will ask him to support her emotionally throughout the pregnancy, update him on her progress, etc. That's normal, as he's the father. Do you really want to deal with this? RUN!!!!


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## RockSteady1

jld said:


> Run, girlfriend. You are his comfort, his known safety, at a stressful time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, this is how I feel. 



BetrayedDad said:


> He knew it BEFORE he asked you to get back together.
> 
> Don't be a FOOL.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah okay. He had SIX weeks to tell you and he happened to pick the night JUST before his mom spilled the beans (which was no accident either.)
> 
> Lady RUN the fvck away! You really still want this clown after he knock up some rando from a bar or where ever the hell he picked her up?
> 
> He's only using you now because he has NO IDEA how he's going to support this kid without your help.
> 
> Congrats you've been promoted from ex gf to babysitter and child support piggy bank.
> 
> Just thank god he didn't knock YOU up. He sounds like a fvcking scumbag liar. Don't be a FOOL.


 @BetrayedDad Basically, in a nutshell, this is all correct. We just had a talk/argument about it and he admitted that he knew about the baby before we officially got back together. She's already quite far along. He didn't go to her scan appointment but he's been in contact with her once a week/fortnight sort of thing... He wants to step up to the plate and do the right thing by the baby (which I'm happy about).

He maintains that his reason for not telling me sooner is because when he found out about it, we were getting really close again and he didn't want to f*** that up. I really don't know what to think. As for the financial support thing, yeah I do think that plays a big part in things. He says he won't ask me for anything, but I'm not stupid. 

My biggest concern of all though is that he chose to keep this from me. Instead he chose to wait until he knew he had a better chance of me not leaving him. I raised this with him and he basically implied that I am just pissed because I'm not the one having the baby, which I think is a real nasty thing to say.
@Omego The short answer is no. No I don't want to deal with this at all. The unprotected sex thing really concerns me too honestly, because in our 4 year relationship prior and the past months that we have been sleeping together again, we are always and have always been really careful. I really don't get how this situation happened. I want to ask, but I don't want any of the details to be honest. I feel sick enough as it is.


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## RockSteady1

Yes @Wolf1974 he intends to take an active role in the child's life.


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## 225985

OP, due to his unprotected sex with her, you should get tested for STDs. 

Sorry you are in this spot.


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## Wolf1974

RockSteady1 said:


> Yes @Wolf1974 he intends to take an active role in the child's life.


Well least that's the right thing to do. This isn't an easy decision but one you'll have to make on how comfortable you'll be with all this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

RockSteady1 said:


> @BetrayedDad Basically, in a nutshell, this is all correct. We just had a talk/argument about it and he admitted that he knew about the baby before we officially got back together. She's already quite far along. He didn't go to her scan appointment but he's been in contact with her once a week/fortnight sort of thing... He wants to step up to the plate and do the right thing by the baby (which I'm happy about).


Of course, he knew beforehand. He's a liar.



RockSteady1 said:


> He maintains that his reason for not telling me sooner is because when he found out about it, we were getting really close again and he didn't want to f*** that up. I really don't know what to think. As for the financial support thing, yeah I do think that plays a big part in things. He says he won't ask me for anything, but I'm not stupid.


We know you're not cause your here but he clearly thinks you are stupid. 



RockSteady1 said:


> My biggest concern of all though is that he chose to keep this from me. Instead he chose to wait until he knew he had a better chance of me not leaving him. I raised this with him and he basically implied that I am just pissed because I'm not the one having the baby, which I think is a real nasty thing to say.


You KNOW he's a liar. 

You KNOW he's using you. 

You KNOW staying with him means your stuck with some baby momma in your life. 

FIND ANOTHER GUY. DON'T BE A FOOL!

WHY ARE YOU ABOUT TO WASTE YOU LIFE ON AN ASSH0LE?!?

Cause you love him? Trust me when I tell you, you'll find a less damaged person to love.

He's a loser and he'll always be a loser.


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## WonkyNinja

RockSteady1 said:


> As for the financial support thing, yeah I do think that plays a big part in things. He says he won't ask me for anything, but I'm not stupid.
> 
> My biggest concern of all though is that he chose to keep this from me. Instead he chose to wait until he knew he had a better chance of me not leaving him. I raised this with him and he basically implied that I am just pissed because I'm not the one having the baby, which I think is a real nasty thing to say.


How can he not ask you for anything when you are going to be a couple?

All the money that will have to go to the other child, and it will, will come from *your* family budget regardless of who earns it. That will be money that *you* don't have for *your* vacations, for *your* children, for *your* home etc. 

He doesn't have to ask you for it but he does have to pay it, and if you get married you will be equally liable as it will be marital assets that pay for it.

What he said was uncalled for. He may be frustrated knowing that that one night may lose his chance with you but that doesn't oblige you to make things nice and easy for him at the expense of your life and happiness.

He intentionally deceived you into getting back together by withholding a huge chunk of information.

I really think you need to move on and find someone that will have you as the priority in their life.


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## MRR

the money is one thing but the real issue is WHY did he ask you to get back together without mentioning this? 

Because he didnt want you to know BEFORE you made a commitment to him. 

He deceived you in a big way. You should feel betrayed and frankly, you should not trust him. If you have no other reason to stay with him (and you do not) then you need to make a clean break and move on. Yes, it will be hard, but you will be so happy.

Picture yourself in 6 months without him and work to that endgame.


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## RockSteady1

BetrayedDad said:


> You KNOW he's a liar.
> 
> You KNOW he's using you.
> 
> You KNOW staying with him means your stuck with some baby momma in your life.
> 
> FIND ANOTHER GUY. DON'T BE A FOOL!
> 
> WHY ARE YOU ABOUT TO WASTE YOU LIFE ON AN ASSH0LE?!?
> 
> Cause you love him? Trust me when I tell you, you'll find a less damaged person to love.
> 
> He's a loser and he'll always be a loser.


 @BetrayedDad Yeah...I know. And I know if it were anyone else in the same situation, I'd be saying the exact same thing to them.

I'm really battling with myself at the moment. I know I SHOULD walk away and I even think that I WANT to walk away. It's all too much for me. The lies, the deception and what it would all mean for my future with him, is all too much.

But then there's another side of me that wants to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. A side that just wants to put a band-aid over everything, even though my mind is literally screaming at me to run away as fast as I can. 

This is the only relationship I've had where I have completely invested myself. I've always held back, and I think part of me thinks that I won't find that so easily again.



WonkyNinja said:


> He doesn't have to ask you for it but he does have to pay it, and if you get married you will be equally liable as it will be marital assets that pay for it.
> 
> What he said was uncalled for. He may be frustrated knowing that that one night may lose his chance with you but that doesn't oblige you to make things nice and easy for him at the expense of your life and happiness.
> 
> He intentionally deceived you into getting back together by withholding a huge chunk of information.


 @WonkyNinja At this stage I wouldn't even consider getting married to him. I honestly don't know where to go from here. 

What he said really hurt...yes I do want kids and yes, I'm not getting any younger...but to say that is the reason that I am upset with him? It really was uncalled for. A small part of me might be feeling some sort of jealousy over it, but the bigger part of me is just hurt that he would deliberately deceive me like that. Do I think it would be different if he had told me straight away? I think it might have.

In saying that, we did agree that even though we were technically still broken up, we would tell each other if we were seeing/having relations with someone else and he never even mentioned another woman. He and his friends kind of made out that he was really struggling with being apart.


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## RockSteady1

@MRR He says its because he knew this would happen and that I would probably leave him and he didn't want that to happen. In any case, he was deliberately deceptive. I think most normal people would fess up in his spot. He lied and I really don't know if I can, or even should, trust him. But like I said to @BetrayedDad I have invested everything in this relationship. I put him on a pedestal and I'm really starting to wonder if in doing that it was doomed to fail anyway.


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## NoChoice

RockSteady1 said:


> @BetrayedDad Yeah...I know. And I know if it were anyone else in the same situation, I'd be saying the exact same thing to them.
> 
> I'm really battling with myself at the moment. I know I SHOULD walk away and I even think that I WANT to walk away. It's all too much for me. *The lies, the deception and what it would all mean for my future *with him, is all too much.
> 
> But then there's another side of me that wants to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. A side that just wants to put a band-aid over everything, even though *my mind is literally screaming at me to run away as fast as I can*.
> 
> This is the only relationship I've had where I have completely invested myself. I've always held back, and I think part of me thinks that I won't find that so easily again.
> 
> 
> 
> @WonkyNinja At this stage I wouldn't even consider getting married to him. I honestly don't know where to go from here.
> 
> What he said really hurt...yes I do want kids and yes, I'm not getting any younger...but to say that is the reason that I am upset with him? It really was uncalled for. A small part of me might be feeling some sort of jealousy over it, but the bigger part of me is just hurt that he would deliberately deceive me like that. Do I think it would be different if he had told me straight away? I think it might have.
> 
> In saying that, we did agree that even though we were technically still broken up, we would tell each other if we were seeing/having relations with someone else and he never even mentioned another woman. He and his friends kind of made out that he was really struggling with being apart.


OP,
Pay close attention to your mind and heed its warning.

This man has fathered a child with another woman, knowingly deceived you about it and minimized your hurt upon discovering the truth buy suggesting you are merely angry and jealous that you are not the mother.

Consider this carefully, is this someone you want to enter into a lifelong commitment with?


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## unbelievable

Omego said:


> Why would he have unprotected sex with a casual partner? How responsible is that? No, just no. There's nothing to even think about here. Be thankful that you're not married to him or expecting his child. I'm sure you do love him and that this hurts, but it will hurt much much worse as when the baby is born and even before. Rest assured that the casual partner will ask him to support her emotionally throughout the pregnancy, update him on her progress, etc. That's normal, as he's the father. Do you really want to deal with this? RUN!!!!


Normal people shake hands with casual relationships. We might be FB friends or exchange Christmas cards. We don't get naked with them and exchange STDS or DNA. A "casual" sexual partner becomes a life partner when a child is produced. If he wishes to have any kind of relationship with his child that will necessarily involve a relationship with the mother. That won't end when the kid is 18 and the child support is over. She'll be at the kid's wedding, the birth of any grandchildren, involved with Christmas, birthdays, graduations, any time the kid gets injured or sick or incarcerated.
Marrying that dude means marrying all that baggage plus all the other baggage he is likely to pick up in other "casual" contacts throughout his life.


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## Lostme

You will never be able to pretend it is not happening, he wants to step up that means every time the kids is at your place reality will hit you like a ton of bricks.


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## PhillyGuy13

Asking you to get back together WITHOUT also disclosing that he since knocked up another woman is a deal breaker.

Keep fishing. Throw this one back.

Also get tested for STDs who knows how much unprotected sex he had with however many partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega

RockSteady1 said:


> [MENTION=210898] In any case, he was deliberately deceptive.
> 
> He lied and I really don't know if I can, or even should, trust him.


Yes, he was deliberately deceptive.
Yes, you DO know IF you "can" or IF you "should" trust him. but just in case you're unsure, the answer is:

_*No*_, you CANNOT trust him.
*No*, you SHOULD NOT trust him.

Ever.

He is not only a liar, but he's also _selfish_. These are NOT good qualities to have for a long-term relationship/marriage. 

Trust is THE foundation of ALL relationships. It involves much, much more than being honest (not lying). It basically asks (and answers) the question, "Will you 'be there' for me?" 

Will you be loyal to me or will you talk about me behind my back? Will you tell me the truth or will you lie to me? Will you talk to me when you have a problem or will you passive-aggressively hint and allow resentment build? Will you share your money with me or will you 'hold out' on me? Will you see my forgiving nature as a strength or will you see it as a weakness and take advantage of me? Will you take responsibility for your mistakes or will you blame me/others?

And most important...Will you be _consistently_ trustworthy?

IMO, he has already proven (several times THAT YOU *KNOW* OF) that he is UNTRUSTWORTHY, and ANYTHING he has told you is now subject to suspicion. 

He told you that he was "going to tell you" about the baby that night.

Don't believe him.

He told you that he had sex with this woman TWICE. 

Don't believe him.

He told you that he "wouldn't ask you to do anything" regarding the baby.

Don't believe him. 

What you CAN and SHOULD do is wish him well and walk away. Cut him out of your life for good. Anything less than that is guaranteed to bring you nothing but heartahe


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## RockSteady1

@NoChoice @unbelievable @Lostme @PhillyGuy13 @Vega thanks for your input.

Oh man....I hate that you are all right. I just hate knowing that the only person I've ever let in has basically erased everything we wanted and planned for. When we were together for the four years prior to this it was a really solid relationship. We could talk about anything and everything. This stuff has hit me hard. Knowing that he's got such a deceptive side to him is really unsettling. I keep wondering if she's the only woman he slept with and lied about. And I also keep wondering what the heck was running through his mind to have unprotected sex with someone he didn't even know. I hate it. All the wondering. And I don't want to ask about it because I don't want to put myself through any more hurt.


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## frusdil

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to call it off with him. You're so young, you shouldn't have to be saddled with someone else's child at your age. You should get to experience all the firsts of parenthood with your husband - the test, the excitement, the confirmation of pregnancy, the scans, the birth and then the journey of parenthood.

I'm so sorry, the best thing you can do for yourself is to end it now.


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## unbelievable

RockSteady1 said:


> @NoChoice @unbelievable @Lostme @PhillyGuy13 @Vega thanks for your input.
> 
> Oh man....I hate that you are all right. I just hate knowing that the only person I've ever let in has basically erased everything we wanted and planned for. When we were together for the four years prior to this it was a really solid relationship. We could talk about anything and everything. This stuff has hit me hard. Knowing that he's got such a deceptive side to him is really unsettling. I keep wondering if she's the only woman he slept with and lied about. And I also keep wondering what the heck was running through his mind to have unprotected sex with someone he didn't even know. I hate it. All the wondering. And I don't want to ask about it because I don't want to put myself through any more hurt.


Being denied a seat on a plane that is destined to crash is not a bad thing. You spent four years in a relationship. You learned something about being in relationships. It wasn't wasted time. Would you prefer to be on this forum after you've spent 20 years of your life? Has he been with other women? He has sex with "casual" partners. I would say it's pretty likely he's casually met other women and it's a near certainty that he will meet more. 
Sounds like he'd mount a rock pile if he thought there might be a snake in there somewhere.


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## Lostme

The wondering is something you will always have, if you decide to stay with him. 

No matter how hard it hurts he will need to tell you everything, if you decide to stay. I just hope if he does he tells you the truth, which I don't know him but kind of doubt he will since he was not honest with you about getting someone pregnant. It is important for you to get tested for any STD's especially not knowing if she was the only one he had unprotected sex. 

I'm sorry you are here, but we will all be here to help you get through this as long as you want the advice. Some post might seem harsh but it is just to help you open your eyes and see what kind of boy he is( I would say man, but he does not seem to be acting like one).


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## arbitrator

*His "tool" has made him a "fool!"

Don't make yourself a party to his immaturity! Ditch him! 

Find and give yourself to a guy who will unselfishly love and cherish you just as much as you would do for him!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings

With his lies and intentionally getting back together with you before telling you, I'm not sure how this relationship sounds tempting? I would begin to possibly get some kind of counseling for yourself. Ask yourself why are you allowing yourself to accept so little from a partner and think he's worth it. 

The mutual break up was more than likely him wanting it because of his parents divorce, right? Then again, falling back to you after getting this lady pregnant. You are an option that he can fall back to and it's unfornate you have yet to fully see that.


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## MattMatt

You are Rocksteady, but he is anything but!

You need to wave goodbye to him. For real, this time.

And here's a message for your ex


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## Vega

RockSteady1 said:


> @NoChoice @unbelievable @Lostme @PhillyGuy13 @Vega thanks for your input.
> 
> When we were together for the four years prior to this it was a really solid relationship. We could talk about anything and everything.


If he told you that he had been "going along with you" to get married because it was something that YOU wanted, it's obvious that you didn't "talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING" in a timely manner. 



> Knowing that he's got such a deceptive side to him is really unsettling.


Are you sure that he has a deceptive side, or is it that he's deceptive with a "nice" side? Hmm... I'd give some careful thought to what your 4 year relationship was REALLY like before answering that question.



> I keep wondering if she's the only woman he slept with and lied about.


Yes, you SHOULD be thinking about this. But even if you asked him, you probably wouldn't get an honest answer. In fact, I'd question whether or not he ONLY had sex with this women "twice" as he told you. Unfortunately, once a lie is uncovered, it makes the other "truths" subject to suspicion.



> And I also keep wondering what the heck was running through his mind to have unprotected sex with someone he didn't even know


Once again, all you know is what he _told_ you. It doesn't mean it's the truth. 



> And I don't want to ask about it because I don't want to put myself through any more hurt


Probably a good idea. You couldn't be sure that you'd get the truth, anyway. 

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this...:frown2:


----------



## EleGirl

He has shown that he is willing to lie to you to get what he wants. This is serious and it means that he is selfish beyond anything reasonable.

Also, he told you that it was a casual relationship. Have you spoken to her? Remember that he is will to lie to you get what he wants from you. There is a huge possibility that he is lying about the nature of his relationship with her. I would not believe anything he told you.

The way his mother brought it up to you is also concerning. It the kind of think that a person does not spill the beans. She wanted you to know that he has some other woman pregnant. What would her motive be? Does she want him to be with the other woman? Does she not like you? Or was she warning you to get away from her son because she does not want him in a relationship when he's got some heavy stuff to face? There could be a lot of reasons. But I seriously doubt that it was an innocent slip from her.

You have a boyfriend who:
is a
liar;
is profoundly selfish;
is seriously manipulative;
is irresponsible. ;
does not take your best interests into consideration.

I think you would do well to walk away from this guy. The reason for dating it to find out if someone is good long term relationship material. It often takes a few years to find out. You got lucky, you found out before you married him. It's time for you to move on.


----------



## alexm

BetrayedDad said:


> He's only using you now because he has NO IDEA how he's going to support this kid without your help.
> 
> Congrats you've been promoted from ex gf to babysitter and child support piggy bank.


This ^^

He's scared, and you're the easiest person to turn to, I'm afraid.

This was obviously a wake-up call for him, so he's trying to put his big boy pants on.

Hell, maybe even mommy told him he should lock somebody down asap for this purpose...


----------



## alexm

RockSteady1 said:


> i
> 
> What he said really hurt...yes I do want kids and yes, I'm not getting any younger...but to say that is the reason that I am upset with him? It really was uncalled for. A small part of me might be feeling some sort of jealousy over it, but the bigger part of me is just hurt that he would deliberately deceive me like that. Do I think it would be different if he had told me straight away? I think it might have.


I'll tell you something about my life - my wife and I dated for a few years back when we were teenagers, then broke up for 15 years. We were each others first everything. We talked about marriage and kids, and blah blah blah. Then it ended, and we moved on.

I got married to somebody else, she had several relationships, then we found each other again.

But she had two kids. I didn't have any, as my ex wife didn't want them.

Now while I love them dearly, as if they were my own, they're not mine and hers. It would have been much easier had she and I not had a history all those years ago. But every now and again, I get a little sad that they're not "our" kids - even though I certainly feel they are.

Good old "dad" is still around, obviously, and he's a moron, and we have to deal with him.

Although my wife obviously did absolutely nothing wrong, the similarities are there with your scenario. The feelings could be much the same, even if you wind up having kids of your own with this guy.

Given his history with you, especially the part about not wanting kids at that point, this issue would be with you forever. Mom will never be out of the picture completely, and as said, the first 18, 19, 20 years, she will be there constantly, in one way or another. In other words - always a reminder for you.

I feel the same way about my step kids dad. It's a reminder that the children we talked about having in our future together didn't exist, but instead this moron, in a very roundabout way, took that from me. As much as I love them as if they were my own, they're not - they're his and my wife's, and always will be.

I don't resent her one bit (and not him, really, either), it just is what it is. But it's there, and it won't go away.

Your situation is markedly different, as there wasn't a 15 year gap in between all this. There was, literally, several months. I have a difficult time with it occasionally, and she knows. I couldn't imagine what it'd do to you.


----------



## RockSteady1

New_Beginnings said:


> The mutual break up was more than likely him wanting it because of his parents divorce, right? Then again, falling back to you after getting this lady pregnant. You are an option that he can fall back to and it's unfornate you have yet to fully see that.


When his parents were getting divorced he just suddenly had a change of heart about wanting to get married and said that he only went along with wanting the whole marriage/kids thing because I wanted those things. He pulled back and I didn't want to be a b**** about it, so I asked if he wanted to cool things off for a while and he said that he did. He was definitely the motivating factor in that. 

I definitely feel like he's using me as a safety net in this current situation. I do wonder if the woman hadn't got pregnant if we actually would have gotten back together eventually or whether he would have just continued sleeping with me and god knows who else until he got caught out/found someone else. I'm leaning towards reality.
@Vega the truth....everything you said. And our previous relationship wasn't perfect... I just keep trying to put a band-aid on everything, I think. Overall our relationship was good, but it was quite weird because the first two years, he was the clingy, needy one and then half way through its like it abruptly changed and suddenly he just wasn't anymore. I think once I relaxed into the relationship is when he suddenly pulled back a bit. It was never a bad relationship though.



EleGirl said:


> He has shown that he is willing to lie to you to get what he wants. This is serious and it means that he is selfish beyond anything reasonable.
> 
> Also, he told you that it was a casual relationship. Have you spoken to her? Remember that he is will to lie to you get what he wants from you. There is a huge possibility that he is lying about the nature of his relationship with her. I would not believe anything he told you.
> 
> The way his mother brought it up to you is also concerning. It the kind of think that a person does not spill the beans. She wanted you to know that he has some other woman pregnant. What would her motive be? Does she want him to be with the other woman? Does she not like you? Or was she warning you to get away from her son because she does not want him in a relationship when he's got some heavy stuff to face? There could be a lot of reasons. But I seriously doubt that it was an innocent slip from her.


 @EleGirl I actually have always got on really well with both of his parents. It was kind of a family joke for them that their son actually bought home a decent one for a change. His mother used to always make passing comments about she hoped he was actually settling down this time. 

She was surprised to say the very least, that I didn't know already. He had told her to keep quiet I am presuming.

And yeah, I really don't know if I believe it was just the twice like he said and at this point I really don't know if it matters.

(Thanks everyone I really appreciate your input on this)


----------



## RockSteady1

@alexm Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm really trying to picture myself in your shoes and I really don't know if I would handle it that well. I can't see the happy ending. I see myself being quite bitter and resentful and I'm not that sort of person. I don't think I can handle a third wheel in the relationship either (the mother, not the child). And I don't know if I can live with not knowing whether he wanted to get back together to get back together or whether I'm just his safety net. 
@MattMatt LOL thanks for the only laugh of the day. And Next Generation too...perfect!


----------



## WonkyNinja

RockSteady1 said:


> This is the only relationship I've had where I have completely invested myself. I've always held back, and I think part of me thinks that I won't find that so easily again.


There is an expression about "throwing good money after bad". Your emotional investment in this relationship is very similar. The fact that you have given 4 years of your life to it and it is very obviously not a good relationship right now doesn't mean that putting more of your life into it is a good idea.

You will find it again. Look back and reflect on the last 4 years and if you recognize problems with hindsight use that when you move forwards.



unbelievable said:


> Being denied a seat on a plane that is destined to crash is not a bad thing.


:iagree:

This says it brilliantly.

One more thing to consider on the financial side. His obligations to child support for the baby are legal obligations, his obligations to you as girlfriend or wife are just moral obligations. The legal obligations come before anything else, if he doesn't meet them he can go to jail. If the child's mother cannot work due to looking after the baby he could end up having to support her also.

If you stay together he doesn't have to provide his own children with you with anything. You might get upset with him but you can't send him to jail, she can. Like it or not the other baby and mother remain his #1 priority. 

It sounds like your relationship was sinking before this but since you're not married you have been given a lifeboat, don't go and tie it securely to the deck of Titanic.

On the bright side you have created something special here. I think that every single responder on this thread is united in giving you the same advice. That doesn't happen often here on TAM. :grin2:


----------



## RockSteady1

@WonkyNinja

Those are the things that all terrify me honestly... Knowing his history, it's likely that she doesn't have a job, so he will have to support her somehow. Then there's the baby, and the child support. The visitations. Her being a priority as well as the baby...

Blech!


----------



## imtamnew

elegirl said:


> you have a boyfriend who:
> Is a
> liar;
> is profoundly selfish;
> is seriously manipulative;
> is irresponsible. ;
> does not take your best interests into consideration.
> 
> i think you would do well to walk away from this guy. The reason for dating it to find out if someone is good long term relationship material. It often takes a few years to find out. You got lucky, you found out before you married him. It's time for you to move on.


+10000000000000000000000000000000000000


----------



## tripad

RockSteady1 said:


> Honestly, this is how I feel.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> @BetrayedDad Basically, in a nutshell, this is all correct. We just had a talk/argument about it and he admitted that he knew about the baby before we officially got back together. She's already quite far along. He didn't go to her scan appointment but he's been in contact with her once a week/fortnight sort of thing... He wants to step up to the plate and do the right thing by the baby (which I'm happy about).
> 
> He maintains that his reason for not telling me sooner is because when he found out about it, we were getting really close again and he didn't want to f*** that up. I really don't know what to think. As for the financial support thing, yeah I do think that plays a big part in things. He says he won't ask me for anything, but I'm not stupid.
> 
> My biggest concern of all though is that he chose to keep this from me. Instead he chose to wait until he knew he had a better chance of me not leaving him. I raised this with him and he basically implied that I am just pissed because I'm not the one having the baby, which I think is a real nasty thing to say.
> 
> @Omego The short answer is no. No I don't want to deal with this at all. The unprotected sex thing really concerns me too honestly, because in our 4 year relationship prior and the past months that we have been sleeping together again, we are always and have always been really careful. I really don't get how this situation happened. I want to ask, but I don't want any of the details to be honest. I feel sick enough as it is.


 A man who says nasty things while he fuzks up is a real piece of shlt . my ex does that . you will get more of that if you marry him .

He is going to use you to support him while he provides child support . 

Leave .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

I think his mom -- and you mentioned she likes you -- was warning you. 

I mean one weekend- "hey mom, Amber and I are having a baby!" 

Next weekend - "hey mom, Rocksteady and I are back together!"

Moms know that most women wouldn't be OK with that dynamic and was scratching her head that you seemed to be ok with it. I'm sure she asked him "how does Rock feel about the baby?" "Uhhhhh I haven't told her". Well, she did it for him and told you because he was too gutless to do it himself.

As I said walk away, don't look back. Who knows what else he is hiding. Who cares at this point. But get that STD test- he's recently had casual, unprotected sex, at least once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beenthere_Donethat

You sound like a smart lady, so don't be dumb. Tell him to sort his own **** out for a change. I guarantee you the dude will try and knock you up next so youll stay. You need a man not a monkey. 

No offense meant. First day and Ive been reading all these posts and putting in my pennys worth like I dont have my own problems that im here for haha.


----------



## VirgenTecate

Beenthere_Donethat said:


> You sound like a smart lady, so don't be dumb. Tell him to sort his own **** out for a change. I guarantee you the dude will try and knock you up next so youll stay. You need a man not a monkey.
> 
> No offense meant. First day and Ive been reading all these posts and putting in my pennys worth like I dont have my own problems that im here for haha.


This is what I commonly see. There is a very strange type of man who likes knocking up women in succession out of wedlock. Don't be the strange type of woman to stay with a man who has such little respect for you, your body, the other women and her child.


----------



## Beenthere_Donethat

VirgenTecate

Those dudes are looking for a mama thats why. They knock up chicks so they can bounce from place to place getting fed, cleaned and looked after. Monkeys.


----------



## unbelievable

RockSteady1 said:


> @WonkyNinja
> 
> Those are the things that all terrify me honestly... Knowing his history, it's likely that she doesn't have a job, so he will have to support her somehow. Then there's the baby, and the child support. The visitations. Her being a priority as well as the baby...
> 
> Blech!


Whether she has a job or not at present, there is no guarantee that she will remain employed. There is no guarantee that he won't knock her up again. There is no guarantee that she'll even remain alive or, if alive, capable and willing to raise a child. That kid could turn out to be a very difficult piece of work, moving into your home around age 13. You will have almost no legal authority to control him and very little influence. By that time, you might also have your own kids over whom you do have rules and influence. Sound like fun? Bottom line is this....You should be number one in some man's life. You deserve to be and you should expect to be and you should not settle for less. With this guy, you can be number .3, at best. 
You might also consider the possibility that this alleged man will not maintain employment and you will get stuck paying for his obligations to this woman and his child. If he decides to be a deadbeat and gets arrested, where does his bail money come from? If his license gets suspended for failure to pay child support, who bears that burden? Yep, that'll be you.


----------



## NextTimeAround

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think his mom -- and you mentioned she likes you -- was warning you.
> 
> I mean one weekend- "hey mom, Amber and I are having a baby!"
> 
> Next weekend - "hey mom, Rocksteady and I are back together!"
> 
> Moms know that most women wouldn't be OK with that dynamic and was scratching her head that you seemed to be ok with it. I'm sure she asked him "how does Rock feel about the baby?" "Uhhhhh I haven't told her". Well, she did it for him and told you because he was too gutless to do it himself.
> 
> As I said walk away, don't look back. Who knows what else he is hiding. Who cares at this point. But get that STD test- he's recently had casual, unprotected sex, at least once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also, your ex bf's mother is very well aware of the difficulty that awaits her in doing anything with her own grandchild. This baby mamma is going to hold the keys to a lot of things related to this child.

She's probably doing her best to shut down as much drama as possible.


----------



## TiggyBlue

My advice is thank the heavens you didn't marry or have children with this man.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RockSteady1 said:


> @BetrayedDad Yeah...I know. And I know if it were anyone else in the same situation, I'd be saying the exact same thing to them.
> 
> I'm really battling with myself at the moment. I know I SHOULD walk away and I even think that I WANT to walk away. It's all too much for me. The lies, the deception and what it would all mean for my future with him, is all too much.


It just takes a bit to get over the shock and wrap your brain around things, that's all.



RockSteady1 said:


> But then there's another side of me that wants to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. A side that just wants to put a band-aid over everything, even though my mind is literally screaming at me to run away as fast as I can.


First comes denial. But you'll get through that and onto the anger and acceptance.



RockSteady1 said:


> This is the only relationship I've had where I have completely invested myself. I've always held back, and I think part of me thinks that I won't find that so easily again.


Sure you can. But so what if you don't? Being alone for the rest of your life is better than being married to a liar who uses you and manipulates you for his own benefit. Trust me.



RockSteady1 said:


> @WonkyNinja At this stage I wouldn't even consider getting married to him. I honestly don't know where to go from here.
> 
> What he said really hurt...yes I do want kids and yes, I'm not getting any younger...but to say that is the reason that I am upset with him? It really was uncalled for. A small part of me might be feeling some sort of jealousy over it, but the bigger part of me is just hurt that he would deliberately deceive me like that. Do I think it would be different if he had told me straight away? I think it might have.
> 
> In saying that, we did agree that even though we were technically still broken up, we would tell each other if we were seeing/having relations with someone else and he never even mentioned another woman. He and his friends kind of made out that he was really struggling with being apart.


Definitely an unreliable guy. Not husband material whatsoever.



RockSteady1 said:


> @MRR He says its because he knew this would happen and that I would probably leave him and he didn't want that to happen. In any case, he was deliberately deceptive. I think most normal people would fess up in his spot. He lied and I really don't know if I can, or even should, trust him. But like I said to @BetrayedDad I have invested everything in this relationship. I put him on a pedestal and I'm really starting to wonder if in doing that it was doomed to fail anyway.


Read up on the fallacy of 'sunk costs.' sunk-cost fallacy- The Skeptic's Dictionary - Skepdic.com

It's not about how much history the relationship has. How much future would it have, now that you have more knowledge?


----------



## FeministInPink

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think his mom -- and you mentioned she likes you -- was warning you.
> 
> I mean one weekend- "hey mom, Amber and I are having a baby!"
> 
> Next weekend - "hey mom, Rocksteady and I are back together!"
> 
> Moms know that most women wouldn't be OK with that dynamic and was scratching her head that you seemed to be ok with it. I'm sure she asked him "how does Rock feel about the baby?" "Uhhhhh I haven't told her". Well, she did it for him and told you because he was too gutless to do it himself.
> 
> As I said walk away, don't look back. Who knows what else he is hiding. Who cares at this point. But get that STD test- he's recently had casual, unprotected sex, at least once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was my first thought when reading this thread. She knows that her son is a hot mess, and she doesn't want you getting sucked into the quagmire that is his life. 

It's telling that his family never liked his previous girlfriends--it shows that he has a history of making bad choices. They liked you in part for YOU and in part because they thought that FINALLY here is a woman who will get him to turn things around--he would be a fool to let her go, or to fvck this up.

But he did let you go, and he managed to fvck it up beyond belief. His mother sees this through the perpective of knowing him his entire life, and sees this pregnancy from a casual fling not as an isolated incident, but as one part of a pattern and an overarching pattern of irresponsibility and/or poor choices.

She knew he hadn't told you. She knew he had no immediate plans to tell you. She didn't think it was fair to you, and didn't want to be part of his deception. I have a feeling the two of them had a conversation where she said, "You tell RockSteady, or I will." And either he chickened out, or more likely, decided it would be easier to let his mother do the dirty work.

This man is NOT a good choice for a marriage partner. Even his mother knows it. He has been deceitful, inconsistent, irresponsible, fickle.

And STUPID. I am 36 years old. I have been having (mostly) regular sex since I was 19. I've never gotten pregnant. Preventing pregnancy in this day and age is incredibly easy. Even if they had unprotected sex (which, again, is incredibly STUPID on both their parts, especially considering that it was casual) or if the condom broke, she could have gone to the pharmacy to get Plan B.

These days, whenever someone says "accidental" pregnancy, I hear "intentional and deceitful" pregnancy. I'm skeptical that this pregnancy was really an accident, and I wouldn't trust the baby momma as far as I could throw her.


----------



## RockSteady1

NextTimeAround said:


> Also, your ex bf's mother is very well aware of the difficulty that awaits her in doing anything with her own grandchild. This baby mamma is going to hold the keys to a lot of things related to this child.
> 
> She's probably doing her best to shut down as much drama as possible.


 @NextTimeAround yeah, I hadn't even thought of that, but yes, you are probably right.
@FeministInPink I think your spot on with all of your comments.


----------



## RockSteady1

So....I told the bf that im not really willing to continue our relationship at this stage because I feel like hes:

1- Using me as a safety net. I'm familiar, known
2- Been deliberately deceitful in not telling me as soon as he found out
3- Am a lot concerned about the fact that he went around having unprotected sex with randoms
4- Am not going to sit idly by while he plays families with another woman 

And we ended up having a huge argument and then he basically started begging and pulling out the "I'll be lost without you, I love you so much" card.

I'm just not buying it. In all the responses on here not one person thought he was telling the truth/worth suffering for, and I'm inclined to believe you're all correct.

But how do I stop him from pulling those cards and getting sucked in again? He knows that I'm completely in love with him and I think he's going to try and use that to his advantage.


----------



## Cynthia

RockSteady1 said:


> But how do I stop him from pulling those cards and getting sucked in again? He knows that I'm completely in love with him and I think he's going to try and use that to his advantage.


You block his number on your phone and do not answer the door if he comes to your home. 
Let him go.
You know he is not the one for you. 
It might take a while until your emotions catch up with you logic, but you have to give it some time to get there.
Keep telling yourself that he is not for you. He is not the one. He is a bad man and you need to stay away from him. Run from evil. Don't entertain it.


----------



## EleGirl

PhillyGuy13 said:


> *I think his mom -- and you mentioned she likes you -- was warning you. *
> 
> I mean one weekend- "hey mom, Amber and I are having a baby!"
> 
> Next weekend - "hey mom, Rocksteady and I are back together!"
> 
> Moms know that most women wouldn't be OK with that dynamic and was scratching her head that you seemed to be ok with it. I'm sure she asked him "how does Rock feel about the baby?" "Uhhhhh I haven't told her". Well, she did it for him and told you because he was too gutless to do it himself.
> 
> As I said walk away, don't look back. Who knows what else he is hiding. Who cares at this point. But get that STD test- he's recently had casual, unprotected sex, at least once.


I agree, after what Rocksteady said about her mother liking her, I think that his mother was looking out for Rocksteady.


----------



## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> But how do I stop him from pulling those cards and getting sucked in again? He knows that I'm completely in love with him and I think he's going to try and use that to his advantage.


The way you protect yourself from this is that you end all contact with you. Block his phone number so he cannot call or text you, block him on facebook, email, etc.

You send him a text and tell him to never contact you again. If he does you will file a police report for him stalking you. 

If he calls you, you hangup with out a word. If he sends you a text, email, msg on facebook, delete it. If he shows up in person, you walk way. If he follows tell him you are dialing 911 and start dialing.


----------



## RockSteady1

@EleGirl Yeah, I just blocked him. Its started already. Missed phone call and a couple texts.


----------



## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl Yeah, I just blocked him. Its started already. Missed phone call and a couple texts.


You are going into a period of time in which you need to protect yourself from being sucked back in (as you said earlier).

It can seem so romantic for him to profess his love, to ring your phone off the hook (not that phones have hooks anymore), etc etc. 

But keep in mind, it's a profound showing of disrespect. It's a form of serious manipulation.

It is disrespect because you told him that you are done. And he is ignoring what you told him. He's ignoring with you with every intent to pressure you to do what he wants.. get back with him. This is one more thing he is doing that shows that he's all about himself.. he is not taking you into consideration. This is just like him not telling you about the other woman and the pregnancy. Anything to get his way.


----------



## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl Yeah, I just blocked him. Its started already. Missed phone call and a couple texts.


Did you tell him to never contact you again?


----------



## RockSteady1

@EleGirl Well when we had our face to face I just said I just said I didn't want to do this anymore. I asked for space so I could think about everything without him trying to influence me. I made it pretty clear though that I needed him to back off, we argued about it.


----------



## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl Well when we had our face to face I just said I just said I didn't want to do this anymore. I asked for space so I could think about everything without him trying to influence me. I made it pretty clear though that I needed him to back off, we argued about it.


So you were sort of ambiguous.. “need space”.

At some point you will probably have to give him a clear statement that you do not want to hear from him before.

Me? I’d send him a text asking him to leave me alone.


----------



## 225985

RockSteady1 said:


> .....I'm completely in love with him .....


You are not in love with him. You are in love with your fantasy version of him. But by now you are seeing the REAL him. How is that something you love?

You are very very fortunate that you are able to see how he really is before you got married and before you had kids with him.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RockSteady1 said:


> And we ended up having a huge argument and then he basically started begging and pulling out the "I'll be lost without you, I love you so much" card.


Well, he should have thought of that when you were apart the first time. He didn't seem that lost then!



RockSteady1 said:


> I'm just not buying it. In all the responses on here not one person thought he was telling the truth/worth suffering for, and I'm inclined to believe you're all correct.
> 
> But how do I stop him from pulling those cards and getting sucked in again? He knows that I'm completely in love with him and I think he's going to try and use that to his advantage.


First of all, you're not completely in love with him. You're in love with the image of who you thought he was. At best, you're in love with the person you believe he has the potential to be someday. But you're not in love with the person is truly is, right now.

Second, if he'd beg and plead and manipulate you to get back together, he's not a good man. A good man would respect your wishes and back off.

Keep those two things in mind if/when he starts up again. But the best thing to do is block him, go no contact, and don't give him a chance to start up again.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

It also speaks further to his character, that all his focus appears to be on you, when it should be on getting his butt in gear to prepare for fatherhood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RockSteady1

EleGirl said:


> So you were sort of ambiguous.. “need space”.
> 
> At some point you will probably have to give him a clear statement that you do not want to hear from him before.
> 
> Me? I’d send him a text asking him to leave me alone.


@ElyGirl Yeah, I'll do that. I know it's stupid and he royally screwed me over, but I hate doing stuff like that.


----------



## RockSteady1

@blueinbr @Hopeful Cynic

:crying: yeah I know...still having a really hard time accepting that fact though. My perspective on the relationship as a whole is changing by the minute though.


----------



## *Deidre*

End this. Truly. Unless you want this woman in your life, and dramaaaaa....end this, for your own sake. I'm sorry, it sounds like there might have been hope, but ...not so much his lying about it or keeping it from you, is what I see as the issue...but his drama, will become yours. Stay true to you.


----------



## RockSteady1

@*Deidre* Welcome (saw your other post, I'm new here as well).

Yeah I don't want or need a third person in our relationship. I'm really trying to stick to my guns i.e the break up, but I'm going through a whole pile of emotions which vary from feeling betrayed, disappointed, angry and feeling sorry for him (I know, I know). One minute I want to ask him to make it all go away and pretend it never happened and the next minute I want to light a fire in the backyard and burn everything he ever bought me.


----------



## *Deidre*

RockSteady1 said:


> @*Deidre* Welcome (saw your other post, I'm new here as well).


 Thank you!! 



> Yeah I don't want or need a third person in our relationship. I'm really trying to stick to my guns i.e the break up, but I'm going through a whole pile of emotions which vary from feeling betrayed, disappointed, angry and feeling sorry for him (I know, I know). One minute I want to ask him to make it all go away and pretend it never happened and the next minute I want to light a fire in the backyard and burn everything he ever bought me.


lol I can imagine the range of emotions. I wouldn't be angry with him per se, he didn't cheat on you during your relationship thankfully, but wasn't entirely truthful with this situation. That said, his path took a different direction and I honestly believe there are better situations awaiting you, than this one. And I'd end things, and go no contact. No contact isn't to be mean or anything, it is to allow you time to get your life back and heal. And move on. 

Just my thoughts, but ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right.


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## Beenthere_Donethat

Then do that. Burn it all. Then letyourself feel ****ty for a week or 2 and then start doing things that make you happy/feel like you again. Hang out with friends. That's what I did when wife and i separated.


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## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @ElyGirl Yeah, I'll do that. I know it's stupid and he royally screwed me over, but I hate doing stuff like that.


To avoid being in the position that he can talk to you in person, just send him a text message. It might seem cold, but you need to protect yourself right now.

Who do you have in your real life that can give you some support? Any family members or good friends?


----------



## MattMatt

RockSteady1 said:


> @*Deidre* Welcome (saw your other post, I'm new here as well).
> 
> Yeah I don't want or need a third person in our relationship. I'm really trying to stick to my guns i.e the break up, but I'm going through a whole pile of emotions which vary from feeling betrayed, disappointed, angry and feeling sorry for him (I know, I know). One minute I want to ask him to make it all go away and pretend it never happened and the next minute I want to light a fire in the backyard and burn everything he ever bought me.


What with the baby there will be at least four people in the relationship, plus his GF's parents.

That's a bit of a crowd, there.

Tell you what. Why not reduce that crowd by one when YOU leave your ex completely?

In the UK we have things called Solicitor's Letters, these are written by an attorney and they warn people not to do certain things. 

Could you get an attorney to send your ex a formal letter warning him not to contact you on the future?

BTW, there may be a slim chance that he isn't the father. But that doesn't negate the fact that he was having unprotected sex with her in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings

Instead of focusing on having a girfriend and the drama to arise, he should be preparing to be a father. You both need to leave eachother alone as his responsibility should be dealing with his aftermath. You shouldn't be a prime focus anymore. 

He messed up but shouldn't force you to understand that. He's selfish and only looking out for himself, not you. As others have said, you aren't in love with him and only in love with a vision of whom you wish he could be. He's not that person and this baby wasn't made out of casual sex. He's the stream of telling casual lies. Think on that. His mom shared info for him because she wanted you to know and make sure you knew. I'm sure she knew she couldn't trust her own son to be upfront and if his mother knows he's not trust worthy, then look what you will continue to deal with. Im curious, how far along is the woman? If he's known, I'm willing to bet this other woman was upfront and told him as soon as she found out. I would love to talk to this other women if he continued to beg and plead. I would hear the truth and move on.


----------



## RockSteady1

@EleGirl Yeah I've got my friend staying with me for a couple days in case he decides to show up. I don't want to involve my family at this stage other than to tell them that he and I have split up again. My brother lives close to me and I just know that once he's involved the situation will end up a lot worse. For now I just want to hope that my ex gets the message, if he becomes persistent I'll involve more people.

@MattMatt I've thought about the possibility of him not being the father. If the woman has unprotected sex with one person there is a pretty reasonable chance that its not the only time she (or unfortunately he) has ever done it. Even if it's not his baby, this whole thing has just shown me that I can't totally trust him to be upfront with the truth.


----------



## RockSteady1

New_Beginnings said:


> Instead of focusing on having a girfriend and the drama to arise, he should be preparing to be a father. You both need to leave eachother alone as his responsibility should be dealing with his aftermath. You shouldn't be a prime focus anymore.
> 
> He messed up but shouldn't force you to understand that. He's selfish and only looking out for himself, not you. As others have said, you aren't in love with him and only in love with a vision of whom you wish he could be. He's not that person and this baby wasn't made out of casual sex. He's the stream of telling casual lies. Think on that. His mom shared info for him because she wanted you to know and make sure you knew. I'm sure she knew she couldn't trust her own son to be upfront and if his mother knows he's not trust worthy, then look what you will continue to deal with. Im curious, how far along is the woman? If he's known, I'm willing to bet this other woman was upfront and told him as soon as she found out. I would love to talk to this other women if he continued to beg and plead. I would hear the truth and move on.


 @New_Beginnings Yes, I agree with you. He needs to focus on the baby first. 

I really wish I had talked his mom further because I feel like she probably has a lot of insight that I don't, but I think you're right...I think it was a warning or at very least she knew he should have spoken up.

Apparently, she's around 14-15 weeks pregnant


----------



## New_Beginnings

It's a good thing you have a friend with you to help you stay strong. I would hold onto letting him go. At best yes he can have a paternity test several months down the line but don't stick around for results. I would cut all ties. A man who was truly in love with you wouldn't have been so irresponsible. He's feeding you words he know will capture the emotional side of what you're feeling or hoping for. He crushed that hope by being deceitful upon asking you to be his girlfriend again. He knew what he was doing and he was looking out for himself. You are his crutch and he needs you to feel secure. You won't feel the same security In him because that's not his makeup of who he is. A liar, a manipulator and someone who can't tell full truths if it exposes him in a negative light is who he is. Run.


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## MattMatt

Rocks ready, I just LOVE your new avatar!

That is just SO cool!

You made my day! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RockSteady1

@MattMatt No, thank you haha.


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## alexm

Just out of curiosity, did you confirm that he had unprotected sex, or is that just an assumption?

I suppose it doesn't really matter in the long run, but all the same. I didn't see anywhere where you said anything about that, other than you didn't know. Then I think a few other people ran with it on this thread, and it seems as though that's now the consensus.


----------



## Vega

RockSteady1 said:


> @
> [MENTION=39191]MattMatt I've thought about the possibility of him not being the father. If the woman has unprotected sex with one person there is a pretty reasonable chance that its not the only time she (or unfortunately he) has ever done it. Even if it's not his baby, this whole thing has just shown me that I can't totally trust him to be upfront with the truth.


Another possibility is that this woman may not be as "random" as he claims...

After all, you two WERE broken up about a year ago, according to your first post. 

May explain the unprotected sex...


----------



## FeministInPink

alexm said:


> Just out of curiosity, did you confirm that he had unprotected sex, or is that just an assumption?
> 
> I suppose it doesn't really matter in the long run, but all the same. I didn't see anywhere where you said anything about that, other than you didn't know. Then I think a few other people ran with it on this thread, and it seems as though that's now the consensus.


It's a pretty safe assumption. 

Most birth control, when used correctly and consistently, is very effective. For a woman to get pregnant on birth control, the method 1) has to fail, and 2) it has to fail when she's fertile.

The least effective methods are also the least commonly used, with the exception of the condom (84%).

It's much more likely that they were having unsafe sex than the birth control failed... and if they WERE using anything other than a condom for birth control, the OP could still have been exposed to STDs.


----------



## RockSteady1

Vega said:


> Another possibility is that this woman may not be as "random" as he claims...
> 
> After all, you two WERE broken up about a year ago, according to your first post.
> 
> May explain the unprotected sex...


 @Vega @alexm @FeministInPink That is something I don't want to know. I really don't want to know any of the specifics because what I do know is hurtful enough. He could have been in a relationship with her, I don't know. He said only twice, but he also neglected to tell me before we got back together that he had knocked her up. I don't know if I believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He's the type of person that when you have an argument with him he twists it around to make you feel stupid anyway.


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## alte Dame

It sounds to me like he is in a panic about what to him is unexpected and unwanted fatherhood. When she told him, it was unreal to him and he has been trying to adjust to his new reality. In his mind, it's a reality that has been forced on him rather than one he has chosen, even if he knew in the back of his lust-fllled mind that he was taking a serious chance having unprotected sex.

So, this event gradually concentrates his mind. He slowly realizes that it is real and not going away. He is desperate in this new reality that he has no real control over. And now he sees you for the bastion or respectability, sanity, and love that you are. You are like a life raft to him. He thinks you are the one that he loves - and perhaps you are - and thinks that together you two can make something sane out of this terrible situation.

I can sympathize with him, but he is being crazily selfish. He wants you to save him, but isn't thinking about what it means to your life, to your heart.

In my opinion, he needs to learn how to accept his responsibility as a new father. It is a bad situation for him right now, but it is what it is. It's certainly not the baby's fault, and it's certainly not for you to redeem him. Sometimes important life-changing things happen to us that make us unhappy and that change the course of our lives. He has to accept that this is one of those things.

You may love him, but you can't make this sh!tstorm in his life OK for him. He needs to settle down and start looking at this realistically, which means that he has to accept that his behavior has led both to a child and to the very possible end to his relationship with you. It is what it is and he needs to face it like a man.


----------



## MJJEAN

RockSteady1 said:


> @Vega @alexm @FeministInPink That is something I don't want to know. I really don't want to know any of the specifics because what I do know is hurtful enough. He could have been in a relationship with her, I don't know. He said only twice, but he also neglected to tell me before we got back together that he had knocked her up. I don't know if I believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He's the type of person that when you have an argument with him he twists it around to make you feel stupid anyway.


Nothing you've said about this man makes him sound like good marriage material. Nothing. If I were trying to play Devil's Advocate and defend him, the best I could come up with is "Well, at least he told his mom."


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## RockSteady1

@alte Dame thank you, and yes it's very much the case r.e saving him, being his security...

He turned up at my house literally begging me to take him back and I won't lie and say I didn't consider it... just for a second. I'm starting to see that in a way I've done this to myself. For the first half of the relationship he was incredibly needy and in a way I encouraged that by always fixing everything. When he didn't need be to be his life raft, things started heading south until his parents divorce happened and we broke up. I can see now that he is trying to repeat that cycle...he needs me now because he literally has no idea what to do and when he's sorted himself out he would just leave again. 

Not keen.

@MJJEAN You are 100% right.

I feel like a bit of an idiot honestly for wasting so much time on him. I could have been in a great relationship right now, I could have kids and be really happy. I feel very stupid.


----------



## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @alte Dame thank you, and yes it's very much the case r.e saving him, being his security...
> 
> He turned up at my house literally begging me to take him back and I won't lie and say I didn't consider it... just for a second. I'm starting to see that in a way I've done this to myself. For the first half of the relationship he was incredibly needy and in a way I encouraged that by always fixing everything. When he didn't need be to be his life raft, things started heading south until his parents divorce happened and we broke up. I can see now that he is trying to repeat that cycle...he needs me now because he literally has no idea what to do and when he's sorted himself out he would just leave again.
> 
> Not keen.
> 
> @MJJEAN You are 100% right.
> 
> I feel like a bit of an idiot honestly for wasting so much time on him. I could have been in a great relationship right now, I could have kids and be really happy. I feel very stupid.


Don't beat yourself up. You have learned an important lesson. Perhaps that's what this relationship is about.

You have leaned that you are attracted to guys who "need" you, meaning not that they are attracted to you, or love you, but who need a mommy to fix things for them.

Now that you know to avoid a man who needs you to be his fix-it-gal.

You might want to also look closely at yourself and figure out why you wanted to be the fix-it-gal. Usually it has to do with self esteem issues.. perhaps a belief that its' the only way you can get a guy to love you.... if he 'needs' you.


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## RockSteady1

EleGirl said:


> Don't beat yourself up. You have learned an important lesson. Perhaps that's what this relationship is about.
> 
> You have leaned that you are attracted to guys who "need" you, meaning not that they are attracted to you, or love you, but who need a mommy to fix things for them.
> 
> Now that you know to avoid a man who needs you to be his fix-it-gal.
> 
> You might want to also look closely at yourself and figure out why you wanted to be the fix-it-gal. Usually it has to do with self esteem issues.. perhaps a belief that its' the only way you can get a guy to love you.... if he 'needs' you.


 @EleGirl ok.... yeah, I think I already know where that comes from unfortunately. My mother. I've worked through a lot of issues around that, but evidently not enough.


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## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl ok.... yeah, I think I already know where that comes from unfortunately. My mother. I've worked through a lot of issues around that, but evidently not enough.


Then is sounds like you have some work to do on yourself. This is actually a good thing because it can be fixed. And this relationship pin-pointed what you need to work on.

I'm glad that you did not fall for his pleading with you.

You made a great observation that he needs you right now. But once his is beyond this crisis, he’ll leave again. Great insight!


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## RockSteady1

@EleGirl Yay....more work...I just love digging up all those old coffins :| 


*cough*I'm almost tempted to stick with needy men


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## EleGirl

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl Yay....more work...I just love digging up all those old coffins :|
> 
> 
> *cough*I'm almost tempted to stick with needy men


You can burn the old coffins. They are easier to dispose of then needy men.


----------



## ABHale

RockSteady1 said:


> @ElyGirl Yeah, I'll do that. I know it's stupid and he royally screwed me over, but I hate doing stuff like that.


RS you are going to make a wonderful wife one day, but not for him. Stay strong.


----------



## FeministInPink

RockSteady1 said:


> @alte Dame thank you, and yes it's very much the case r.e saving him, being his security...
> 
> He turned up at my house literally begging me to take him back and I won't lie and say I didn't consider it... just for a second. I'm starting to see that in a way I've done this to myself. For the first half of the relationship he was incredibly needy and in a way I encouraged that by always fixing everything. When he didn't need be to be his life raft, things started heading south until his parents divorce happened and we broke up. I can see now that he is trying to repeat that cycle...he needs me now because he literally has no idea what to do and when he's sorted himself out he would just leave again.
> 
> Not keen.
> 
> @MJJEAN You are 100% right.
> 
> I feel like a bit of an idiot honestly for wasting so much time on him. I could have been in a great relationship right now, I could have kids and be really happy. *I feel very stupid.*


Don't feel stupid. Feel proud of yourself for breaking this cycle, and for getting out of a bad relationship, and leaving behind a man who was a poor match. Be proud of yourself for that. You are not stupid. You are smart for coming here, for asking for help/advice, and for making the best decision for yourself that you could.

You are NOT stupid. You are BRAVE, and you are SMART.


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## FeministInPink

RockSteady1 said:


> @EleGirl ok.... yeah, I think I already know where that comes from unfortunately. My mother. I've worked through a lot of issues around that, but evidently not enough.


Rock, there are some great books out there about working through parent issues, if you need some reading material


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## Cynthia

RockSteady1 said:


> [MENTION=43225]
> 
> 
> I feel like a bit of an idiot honestly for wasting so much time on him. I could have been in a great relationship right now, I could have kids and be really happy. I feel very stupid.


You are not stupid. You have a loving heart. But you have learned some important lessons about co-dependency, which is what you described your relationship as. You taking care of him and him not addressing his issues due to your "help." He has to own his issues and clearly he isn't.
Now that you know these things, you will be able to have a healthier relationship than you would have. You haven't really missed out. This has made you more ready, so that you can find a good man and build a family with him.

Two good books about codependency are: "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie and "Facing Codependency," by Pia Mellody.


----------



## MRR

FeministInPink said:


> Rock, there are some great books out there about working through parent issues, if you need some reading material


Or books about just becoming a better version of yourself in general; relationship dynamics; choosing happiness without depending on a relationship. 

In any case, this can be a huge turning point in your life-- a chance for real growth. Since my divorce and two bouts of cancer in the last two years, I have come to view the world and relationships and my own self worth in a completely different life. I would not change my mistakes and that 'wasted time' for anything. 

Please start looking into this stuff, books especially. TED talks-- Brenee Brown-- are also thought-provoking.


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## Cynthia

MRR said:


> Please start looking into this stuff, books especially. TED talks-- Brenee Brown-- are also thought-provoking.


Yes! I have one of her talks up in another window on my computer right now. It's very good. Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com


----------



## MRR

CynthiaDe said:


> Yes! I have one of her talks up in another window on my computer right now. It's very good. Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com


She has several really good books. I liked Daring Greatly very much.


----------



## Cynthia

MRR said:


> She has several really good books. I liked Daring Greatly very much.


I just heard of her a couple weeks ago and would like to read some of what she has, but my book pile is quite high already.


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## Orange_Crush

OP, I am a stepmother to a 10 year old girl. My Husband and his previous wife divorced when the girl was 1. I started dating DH when the little girl had just turned 5. She was adorable when she was 5. Then she got older and it just got worse. 

Being a stepmother is living hell. Sure some people have Brady Bunch stories but for the most part it is incredibly depressing and mind numbing. DH and his ex wife have nothing in common. They dated for three months before they decided to get married, and got married three months after that. Shortly after she became pregnant and their marriage nose dived. They married purely because both wanted a child, and now they battle over said child constantly. 

My husband has paid an arm and a leg in child support until recently when it got lowered. He has paid tens of thousands of dollars in attorneys fees. And for what? We have a child that is exactly like his ex wife (in mannerisms and attitude) come here every other weekend and a random weeknight that makes it clear she does not want to be here. She is her mother's daughter, and her mother has poisoned her. I now have a child in my house that has said and done horrid things (mirroring her mother). I can raise my daughter to have my morals and values. I cannot raise my stepdaughter in the same way.

DH and I deal on a consistent basis with the crazy ex wife. She has emotional issues (narcissism, Borderline Personality) Ex wife claims everything under the sun, and has no qualms about going to court to try and take more time away. When that doesn't work, she brings her daughter into the drama. We have a guardian ad litem, a parenting coordinator, a court ordered psychologist, and an attorney to pay. On top of child support. To a kid that will undoubtedly tell the courts she doesn't want to be here when she turns 12 because her mother has spent years bribing her and telling her she doesn't need a father. This is what happens when you reproduce with the wrong person. Everyone suffers. 

Please please please run. I can't imagine what it will be like when the baby is born if you stay. They will all be at the hospital. You won't. You will have to deal with another woman constantly intruding on your life. I will never let my daughter become a stepmother. The burden and toll is too great.


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## frusdil

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think his mom -- and you mentioned she likes you -- was warning you.
> 
> I mean one weekend- "hey mom, Amber and I are having a baby!"
> 
> Next weekend - "hey mom, Rocksteady and I are back together!"
> 
> Moms know that most women wouldn't be OK with that dynamic and was scratching her head that you seemed to be ok with it. I'm sure she asked him "how does Rock feel about the baby?" "Uhhhhh I haven't told her". Well, she did it for him and told you because he was too gutless to do it himself.
> 
> As I said walk away, don't look back. Who knows what else he is hiding. Who cares at this point. But get that STD test- he's recently had casual, unprotected sex, at least once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree with this. His mum likes you, and knew that he hadn't told you. 

When exactly was he going to tell you? Would you even know yet if not for his mum?

Stay strong sweetie, you're doing the right thing for YOU. His mess is not yours to fix. The woman and baby not your problem.

Not your circus, not your monkeys x


----------



## ConanHub

Don't want OP to be with her ex, ever, but being a stepparent is also rewarding and an honor.

I honestly don't see taking a poke at step parenting as relevant here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RockSteady1

ConanHub said:


> Don't want OP to be with her ex, ever, but being a stepparent is also rewarding and an honor.
> 
> I honestly don't see taking a poke at step parenting as relevant here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @ConanHub Definitely. The man I consider my father is not my biological father.

My mother was a heavy drinker and mentally unstable and I have always been closer to my father than my mother. 

When I was 10 years old my parents split up and I cried and begged for my dad to take me with him and he broke down and told me he couldn't take me with him because he was not my real dad. 

That day is significant in my life because:

1 - It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry 
2 - It was my first broken heart (because of above), and,
3- It is significant because I learned that creating a child does not make a man a father.

Even though they split up, he remained a constant fixture in my life and still does to this day.

If thats not a dad, I dont know what is


----------



## ConanHub

RockSteady1 said:


> @ConanHub Definitely. The man I consider my father is not my biological father.
> 
> My mother was a heavy drinker and mentally unstable and I have always been closer to my father than my mother.
> 
> When I was 10 years old my parents split up and I cried and begged for my dad to take me with him and he broke down and told me he couldn't take me with him because he was not my real dad.
> 
> That day is significant in my life because:
> 
> 1 - It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry
> 2 - It was my first broken heart (because of above), and,
> 3- It is significant because I learned that creating a child does not make a man a father.
> 
> Even though they split up, he remained a constant fixture in my life and still does to this day.
> 
> If thats not a dad, I dont know what is


Sorry how it went down but awesome story! My oldest son is technically my stepson but I have never called him anything but my son and he calls me father to this day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia

Wow. That a deep wound, but he sure has stepped up to the plate for you. What a wonderful man.


----------



## RockSteady1

Although in this case with my ex, I could see your story becoming a frightening reality @Orange_Crush. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## RockSteady1

CynthiaDe said:


> Wow. That a deep wound, but he sure has stepped up to the plate for you. What a wonderful man.


 @CynthiaDe Absolutely. On all counts. He treats me like his own, always has, even when he had his own kids. In his house its forbidden to say "stepdad" or "step sisters."


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## Cynthia

He sounds like a true gift in your life.


----------



## frusdil

ConanHub said:


> Don't want OP to be with her ex, ever, but being a stepparent is also rewarding and an honor.
> 
> I honestly don't see taking a poke at step parenting as relevant here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a stepmum I absolutely, 100% agree. Of all the wonderful things my husband has brought to my life, my stepdaughter is the best one, by a country mile:grin2:


----------



## sapientia

Why are you so determined to stick with this loser? You don't want HIM anymore, you want the DREAM of the person you HOPED he was--but isn't.

Don't you believe you deserve better? If not, then truly you do deserve your misery. 

This is your chance to not f-up your life. Choose wisely.

EDIT - is he your ex now? GOOD DECISION, if so.


----------



## Orange_Crush

Being a stepmother has everything to do with this thread. Again, some people have great blends. But being a stepfather is a hell of a lot different than being a stepmother, especially when the bio mom is present and active. If OP stays with this guy, she is taking on the role of being a stepmother. And she might not want that role at all.


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## ladyj1204

Well, first if all, I can relate all too well with your situation. The same thing happened to me, but it was my husband. We split for a short while, during which he started seeing someone else and git her pregnant. I tried to be adult about it but was totally devastated. We had been married 4 years at the time. We did not stop"seeing" each other at all really during the split. He said he realized that he wasn't even in love with her and wanted his wife back. I did what most do... Prayed on it, put it in God's hands and waited for His answer. We are now going on 7 years and happier than ever. Listen to God and your heart. Don't let anyone else make the decision for you. It's your life and your the only one who has to live it. Don't give up on love. Anything worth having is worth working for!

Sent from my 0PM92 using Tapatalk


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## Melisa

Hi, I am in a similar situation and so I have an idea of how you feel. 
I have been in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years (he lives in NY and I live in Grenada). We broke up in August 2016 and rekindled in February 2017. Things were great, we both made commitments to make the necessary changes in an effort to maintain our relationship. 
I love him dearly, and believe that the love is reciprocated. Apart from the issue of arguing, there was never any serious issues that affected our relationship. 
A few days ago, I tried calling him for hours on and he won't take my call. When he did reach, via Whatsapp, he send me the most crippling message I have ever heard. 
I wrote that he has a one month old baby and was finding difficult to tell me in fear of losing me forever. I was emotionally devastated and still am. 
He claims that he and the mother of the baby do no have a serious relationship and that she understands that he does not want to be with her.
He is adamant that he wants to be with me to realize the future he envisioned for us. But God knows, it is hard to process. I understand that relationships are complicated and sometimes the unexpected happens. But i never expected to be in a situation where the man I love, the man I want to be husband and the father of my kids is now a father to another woman's baby. 
Given that she got she got pregnant in the period when we were not together, takes some of the pressure off but given that she was about 3/4 months pregnant when we got back together and he withheld the truth from me is what's responsible for the constant pain I feel. I am broken to the core.
Part of me wants to be with him and help support his life as it is now and part of me wants to run away and forget about love. I am confuse, hurt and angry. 
I don't want to give up on love because a difficult life changing situation is present but I don't want to seem accepting of this situation that he loses respect for me if I continue to be with him.


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