# Lost!!



## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

looking for some input. Have been married for 17 years. Have 3 great girls. Beautiful wife!. Lately we have been going through a rough patch that doesn't seem to be going away. we cannot communicate to each other anymore. My job where I work is not a big social place so there is pretty much not a thing new to discuss about my work day. I love my job, but it is quiet. My wife stays at home and looks after daycare kids. Our kids are in school so they are gone from morning till afternoon. She has the time to talk and chat with other school parents and when she does not have daycare kids she goes to the store for groceries and keeps the house quite clean (which I offer to help, but when I get home she has done almost everything). So other than social interaction with other school moms she has nothing new to tell me. It just feels we are drifting apart and we don't have fun anymore. We don't laugh or joke around and she says "it is killing her". I took off next week for holidays and asked what she would like to do and all I get is "I don't know, we don't have the money to do anything" I feel confused and I do not know what to say to her anymore. I used to send her love notes and leave notes on the bathroom and texts, because of how I feel about her and all I get is thank you. I basically have given up because it feels she has given up


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> looking for some input. Have been married for 17 years. Have 3 great girls. Beautiful wife!. Lately we have been going through a rough patch that doesn't seem to be going away. we cannot communicate to each other anymore. My job where I work is not a big social place so there is pretty much not a thing new to discuss about my work day. I love my job, but it is quiet. My wife stays at home and looks after daycare kids. Our kids are in school so they are gone from morning till afternoon. She has the time to talk and chat with other school parents and when she does not have daycare kids she goes to the store for groceries and keeps the house quite clean (which I offer to help, but when I get home she has done almost everything). So other than social interaction with other school moms she has nothing new to tell me. It just feels we are drifting apart and we don't have fun anymore. We don't laugh or joke around and she says "it is killing her". I took off next week for holidays and asked what she would like to do and all I get is "I don't know, we don't have the money to do anything" I feel confused and I do not know what to say to her anymore. I used to send her love notes and leave notes on the bathroom and texts, because of how I feel about her and all I get is thank you. I basically have given up because it feels she has given up


Have you told her how you feel? What does she say? What do you want your marriage to be like?


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## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

I have told her how I feel. She feels unhappy as well. I just don't know how to get her back. I can sit and think about it (for months now) and I have no clue. Do I want some glamorous marriage sure, but i have to be realistic. we don't have a ton of money to go on vacations and go for fancy dinners all the time, but it would be nice once in a while to spend some time alone, but I know if we do we won't acknowledge each other.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> I have told her how I feel. She feels unhappy as well. I just don't know how to get her back. I can sit and think about it (for months now) and I have no clue. Do I want some glamorous marriage sure, but i have to be realistic. we don't have a ton of money to go on vacations and go for fancy dinners all the time, but it would be nice once in a while to spend some time alone, but I know if we do we won't acknowledge each other.


You don't need money to spend time together... just get a sitter and do it. Give the kids to a family member for a weekend. You can do it, but you need to be more creative than just buying a trip somewhere. Make dinner for your wife. Do a picnic on the carpet. After the kids go to bed there are plenty of ways to reconnect, you just make an effort. Run a bath, grab some candles and a bottle of wine. A massage would go a long way...

Get busy!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

A. Don't ask her what she wants to do. Pick something and go for it. Just tell her. Last week I sent my wife a text and all I said us: "You, Me, Date night Saturday night." That was it. Its simple but she loves it. The last thing she wants is to make a bunch of decisions. Make them for her!

B. Don't think you need to be fancy. Simple little things van make a huge difference. Go to a free Zoo pr a walk in the park ir ANYTHING that is not sitting at home on the couch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

I have done those things. I have set up a bath covered in rose petals with a book to give her some alone time. figured most likely she would be in the bath though for more than 15 minutes. Was shocked when she came down so quick. she said it was nice. Maybe I am reading it wrong. Have even bought massage oils and given her long massages. At night would rub her feet in bed. I have done these things, and she says she appreciates them. I guess when I think of marriage I think that it is 100/100 but it feels that I am trying to do all this and it is going no where. I ask her how her day is or what she is thinking and I get "fine, nothing new" I know I love her more than life itself and I am not going to give up, but it just seems sometimes that she isn't in love anymore.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

To quote Nike, "Just do it!"

Go see a movie. Walk in the park. Head out for Gellato. You need to spend time together. Just the two of you. Go to a quiet coffee shop or bar and reminisce about your courtship. See what things she remembers fondly and try and rekindle those. How about bowling or putt-putt golf? It's called dating and it shouldn't stop when you get married

Good luck.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Do you guys not have some common interests or things you might like to try? Not everything is about spending money.Do you remember back to when you were first dating? What did you do? What were the specials things that made you connect and fall in love? What was important to her back then? You have To reconnect.Go for a walk...to a movie...museum...dancing...flea market...local festivals...free concerts....even just to an outdoor cafe.Just make the time and do it with just you and her.Wish you the best!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> I have done those things. I have set up a bath covered in rose petals with a book to give her some alone time. figured most likely she would be in the bath though for more than 15 minutes. Was shocked when she came down so quick. she said it was nice. Maybe I am reading it wrong. Have even bought massage oils and given her long massages. At night would rub her feet in bed. I have done these things, and she says she appreciates them. I guess when I think of marriage I think that it is 100/100 but it feels that I am trying to do all this and it is going no where. I ask her how her day is or what she is thinking and I get "fine, nothing new" I know I love her more than life itself and I am not going to give up, but it just seems sometimes that she isn't in love anymore.


I think you need to tell her what you've said here. She's not seeing eye to eye with you. Are you afraid of what she'll tell you? If not, lay it all bare.


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## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

I am going to ask her to talk tonight. Maybe leave the kids at home for an hour and see what happens. I don't think I am afraid of what she will say. She basically has said she is unhappy. I get that. In my opinion I would rather see her happy without me than be unhappy with me. Even though it would kill me, but I love her to much to see her like this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Communicating with one another honestly is a heck of a lot better than feeling around in the dark and making assumptions. The only way to get on the same page is to talk. And talk. And talk... until you get there.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Hint:

Don't do anything (at first) that would be interpreted as "Looking For Sex" 

Women are cynical. A bath with flower peddles... an oil massage isn't "Something Nice together" "She will see it as an attempt to bed her" and to start with, will do more damage than good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> I am going to ask her to talk tonight. Maybe leave the kids at home for an hour and see what happens. I don't think I am afraid of what she will say. She basically has said she is unhappy. I get that. In my opinion I would rather see her happy without me than be unhappy with me. Even though it would kill me, but I love her to much to see her like this.


:iagree:

Don't ever be afraid to speak your heart to your wife.Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Might be worth a read for you both.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

GPR said:


> A. Don't ask her what she wants to do. Pick something and go for it. Just tell her. Last week I sent my wife a text and all I said us: "You, Me, Date night Saturday night." That was it. Its simple but she loves it. The last thing she wants is to make a bunch of decisions. Make them for her!
> 
> B. Don't think you need to be fancy. Simple little things van make a huge difference. Go to a free Zoo pr a walk in the park ir ANYTHING that is not sitting at home on the couch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good ideas here. Stay away from too much talking and schedule lots of active companionship. Even walking around the neighborhood is great


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I hate to be the Debby Downer here, but it's been my experience that when a woman is done...she's done.

If she's completely checked out, not showing affection, not wanting to talk about it, and has already mentioned she's unhappy in the marriage jumping through hoops to get her back (which he seems to already have done) just seems so unfair. 

How did the conversation go with her OP?


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## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

So we never got a chance to talk last night. Had friends with last minute night out. Will see what happens tonight. On the bright side though this morning I was accompanied in the shower before work.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> So we never got a chance to talk last night. Had friends with last minute night out. Will see what happens tonight. On the bright side though this morning I was accompanied in the shower before work.


That's perfect!!!

I would try to do something, ANYTHING tonight. And not something obviously sexual driven (no harm in it turning into it later obviously, but you get the point).

She gave you something good this morning, but if you ask most (especially women), one thing that pisses them off more than anything is after they have sex, their partner just brushes them off, even if it's that night or the next day or days. 

Basically what you are saying is "I got mine, so I don't need to worry about anything for a while because I'm satisfied"

It sounds primitive, but you need to kind of Reward her after this. You do something nice and interesting together tonight, it's almost like a training. "We have sex, we do nice things together"... 

Like I said, sounds primitive and childish. And I really simplified it, but the principle is there.


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## husbandinneed0910 (Jun 26, 2012)

Just to clarify there was nothing sexual it was just a moment for each of us to enjoy being with each other.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

husbandinneed0910 said:


> Just to clarify there was nothing sexual it was just a moment for each of us to enjoy being with each other.


That's fine. She initiated an intimate moment. It was sexual in nature even though there was no sex. She did it for you...

Same thing still applies. Your turn. REWARD.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Have you considered taking up a new hobby together? What about dancing (line, ballroom, swing); bicycling or hiking? You might also start volunteering together somewhere. What is your wife's passion? Can you think of a shared activity in that area?


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