# Married, unhappy & falling for a long distance friend! Need Advice!



## htx.wifey.88 (Mar 19, 2010)

*I previously posted, and i got alot of feedback. Which i am very grateful for! I need some help, so here i go again and it’s a hard one. I'm 22 this year, in a relationship of 7 years, of those married for 5. We have a 2 year old. Since 2008 things have been very rocky, first his drinking habits then his "don’t give a damn attitude" now things aren’t moving as planned, we don’t spend time together unless its shopping for food, or mandatory family gatherings, Sex life isnt all that good. We basically just have sex to kill the argue, We've spoken about his attitude and being out & about with his so called friends, and he’ll change for some weeks or a month, then again, he starts with his crap. SOooo. I said ill stick it out for the sake of my child! I’m tired of the boring life, work, come home, cook, clean. Weekends home all day nights hes out n about and me home bored waiting 4 him to get here. So here i am, things are calm for now. And I started communicating with an older (much older) friend in another state. We've been talking since 2002, i was 15 then, It became an online chat buddy, he spent nights n days talking, 3, 4, 5 hours conversations, He is married and has kids. and i never thought of him as anything else than what he is a friend, the years went by and kept on with the friendship, I stopped talking to him once i got married but occasionally emailed him, then i had my son and still talked maybe every few months, so, now that things on my side are rocky, I found him on a website, we started talking every now and then, now it has become a everyday, allll day thing, and i mean 8 am-7pm , thought the years i can tell hes not happy at home, he says it himself as well. and its sad because hes full of life and just want to be happy, he works too hard and has no time for fun or just to relax, He's been there as my emotional and mental advisor, he listens to my problems, has an opinion for me and gives me alot of his time. And for those curios he have been intimate from a far!!! I'm sure yall get that! :awink: And we have been really open about feelings and on his behalf is wanting to start a relationship with me, wants me to move over to his city, and try to have a relationship. I do too Yes, i guess its cheating but. If I’m not happy now, and I find someone to make me happy and is willing to try and give me a life i want so be it right?? Or am i wrong, hey no sex or at least physically has not been involved!! So ppl i need some input on this one, I need opinions, bad or good i can take it!! Thank you for reading and hope to get some feed back!:smthumbup:*


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

You are having an emotional affair. While this is going on, you are pretty much dooming your marriage. 

You have a choice. End the marriage or work on it. If you decide to work on it, you have to end communication with the other guy. Your relationship with him is taking your time and energy away from your husband.

If you decide to end your marriage, beware....the grass isn't always greener on the other side.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I predict that if you leave your marriage and move to the town where your older friend is, he'll bolt. Maybe he'll come around and give you some sex a few times, but as you try to move him out of his marriage - a pretty terrible thing to do to someone's family, don't you think? - he'll bail out.

You and your husband are really, really young, and marriage is a spectacularly huge commitment. Most people don't understand that a "commitment" is distinct from a "want." And usually when we make a commitment to something, we don't recognize that there will be times when our feelings don't seem to line up with our commitment. 

I think the two of you would do really well to find the kind of counselor who can help you understand what it is to be committed to your marriage first, and let your feelings come and go. This doesn't mean ignore your emotions, but instead to treat the marriage as a sacred thing and then to use your emotions as a guide to the life-long conversation you're having.

Scarletblue is right - you are having an emotional affair. You have many reasons for wanting to escape from your marriage, I am sure. But you should recognize that if you do escape, you will find yourself in another lousy situation, perhaps one worse than you have today, until you have worked out for yourself how to stand for what you are committed to having even when your feelings seem to be at odds with that.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I agree with everyone above. You are having an emotional affair. You owe it to your self and your family to either end your current marriage or break off the EA with the older man. You can do one or the other, but you will be unable to do both without one of your relationships failing. You have to decide which is more important and make that decision. You are trying to have your cake and eat it too and that won't work.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

"]:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

with all the above but....... 
can only add one thing(or more lol).............

if ur from htx, wifey then u may know/appreciate the following country song:

"sounds like LIFE to me...." toby keith (i believe)

in other words, if he aint drinking and smoking and doing drugs or WHOEVER he can, beating u or the kids, kicking the dog, or worshiping satan then........whats the problem?

i mean i get it, u aint happy darlin' right? guess what, neither
is he! i'm assuming he wasnt a warthog when u marr'd him
so whats changed? i'd bet he needs some work n understanding not only from u but probably church friends,counselors etc. underneath his anger is issues that if dealt
w/ out in the open by u and said others, likely he'll clean up
his act again and be that knight, or urban cowboy (ur pick)
consistently once more, eh?

And i dont mean arguments like u've done b4 w/ him.
calm structured talks, w/ counselor present perhaps.
check out yer local churches, they've got free help
available.

if i am wrong then my posting buddies above have given u 
many ideas to follow up w/. 

One things for sure, if i had a daughter marry at 17, i wouldnt be much of a protective dad, as u sure needed sheltering (mind n body) as u had alot of growing up to do.
now ur dealing w/ the fallout of that poor decision (IMO).

aint looking to offend u, just snap u outta that "woe is me"
focus of yers. take a look around, theres plenty of real
hurting going on around the whole world if ya just tune in
and see, not to mention marriages where H/W's are lyin',
cheatin', stealin', and yes even killing the other. 

I wish you and others like you the best, but watch your focus
or the lens in which u see things. for it can be sharply clear
or cloudy n unfocused. alas the other guy in another city.
u want that fun-fun feeling back again dont ya? u want to 
be desired sooooo badly dont ya? hey, we all can relate 2
that but.......read above whats likely to happen. he's all 
talk sugar. you'll eventually be left hi/dry.

Feelings are good for indicators, but they can also get u into 
so much trouble, as does BOREDOM !
Reason is best! unfortunately i didnt have great reasoning skills at 22 either, but i "survived" & so will u. 
Either way u'll learn n grow whatever u decide. But the price u pay to play may be BITTERNESS. Your call.

Peace Out -------------cb45


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

cb45 said:


> if ur from htx, hen u may know/appreciate the following country song:


If htx means (Hill Country Tx) then I live in that area too. And I HATE country music!!!! Just 'cuz we are a Texan doesn't mean we automatically like Country music.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:lol::lol::lol: i think it means houston tx. but i
thought she'd reply as u did re: both pts........
:lol::lol::lol:-----cb45


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I also agree with the above posters.

I think if you're unhappy with your life, then you need to make changes. Do you have friends to go out with on weekends too? You don't need to do EVERYTHING together, I don't think that's healthy for a relationship. You really need to make him aware of how you feel and how you think his actions are affecting the marriage. Look within yourself as well to see what more you can bring to the marriage to help mend it.


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## htx.wifey.88 (Mar 19, 2010)

Thanks to thoses who have replied to the post.  i guess now its time for some hard thinking!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you look at statistics, nearly all relationships that start out like yours with your 'boyfriend' will crash and burn. Why? Because you are BOTH lying - to EVERYONE. Including your kids.

How could that relationship be anything but doomed? It happened to my mom (she wasn't married, but he was), my boss, other family members...people gullible enough to believe that he is serious about throwing his life away for you. My boss is literally having a hysterectomy to physically and mentally remove the 'part' of her that is still connected to her lover, since she has finally come to the realization he will never leave his wife, so she can give him up.

Here's what's going to happen, if you continue. He's going to tell you, 'I have a chance to come to Texas. I'll be at the XYZ hotel. It would kill me if I didn't get to see you while I'm there. I can think of nothing but you. Meet me.'

So you'll meet him, you'll cheat on your husband (more than already). He'll get the sex he's been trying to prime you for. And you'll never hear from him again.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

This guy never wanted to be just your friend... you were 15 when this pedophile started chatting to you online and you don't think that's a little strange? You're both cheating on your spouses right now; I mean what would his wife say if she found out he's had an online relationship with this young girl. And also, do you really think you're the only one he's chatted or is chatting with?

Everyone here is right though. If you go to be with this guy it won't last. the grass always seems greener on the other side but it's not! 

You're 22 and immature, sounds like your husband is too but what you're doing isn't doing anything to help the relationship. If you were really interested in fixing the marriage you wouldn't be chatting to other guys online. Also, I wanted to say one more thing, if you're chatting this long to this guy then how exactly are you taking care of a 2 year old. I have one and I know how much work they are. 

Anyway you have serious problems in your relationship but I guarantee that your actions have contributed to the problems here a lot more then you'll be willing to admit. The first thing you should do is cut off all contact with this other person. The fact that you've maintained a relationship with another guy online and are holding onto this fantasy before and after the marriage says a lot about your general attitude and level of commitment to your marriage. This other guy has children and a family as well so you're contributing to taking this man away from his responsibilities. NOTHING will be resolved until you take responsibility for what you've been doing and stop. 

With this many issues early on you need to really work with each other not just point blame. Remember you married this guy and I'm willing to bet he's the same way now that he was before you got married, right? Oh but you probably thought he was going to change who he was completely... I'm not saying he shouldn't make changes. It sounds like he's being a bum husband and father and he needs to grow up a whole bunch too. But this isn't going to be easy for either of you. 

Ultimately you can only control your own actions so start there and get committed to your marriage. Stop the affair with this other guy, delete your chat account and simply decide you're going to make this marriage work. Then work on your husband. Start talking to him and explain to him you can't live your life this way. Make an appointment to see a marriage and family therapist to start going through your issues.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Your first problem is your lust for this situation. Now, just to be clear, Lust is the desire for things forbidden...

Then, what ever you invest your time money and emotion in, will be what you focus on. It will be what gains your interest. With that said, you need to remove yourself from the computer relationship. There is no way on this earth that you 2 can make it work. If you did move, you both started this with adultery. And sooner or later the trust issues you both rightfully will have will cause problems on going. 

Something I believe will help you understand you life and the things within it better is a book called the love dare. It will open your eyes to a number of things in your marriage. At the same time, it will open his eyes as well. But it is not something you tell him you are doing or reading. It takes just 10 minutes a day. I would seriously suggest you get it ASAP.


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