# Gettin "use" to her...?



## TheRalfZer0 (Feb 17, 2014)

I Really need help, any advice please (Honest but not degrading please, this is a private matter after all)

Yes, this is how desperate I am, I'm actually asking the Internet for advice:

Me and my wife is married for almost 8 years, I would say our sex life was about average, after all this time (11 years including dating period) she still number 1 in my life.

I have under numerous occasions had the temptations and opportunity to cheat on her, but it doesn't matter how hammered I am, I just can't, and I'm not complaining, I just want to emphasize how much my wife turns me on.

But I found myself, all though aroused by her, when it comes to "that" part, I just shut down, it's like a tug-o-war in my body, my mind just doesn't feel sex is worth it anymore but my body just wants to lash out.

As a result, I am avoiding any sexual tension between us, if she wears something sexy, I find something else to focus on, you tube videos, PS3 basically anything to keep me from seeing her in that attire. When she comes to tell me she's going to bed in "that kind of way" I make sure she's a sleep before I go to bed.

Like I said, it's not that I do not love her, I just don't feel sexually attracted to her anymore, but how can this be, physically I find absolutely NOTHING wrong with her, she's still the same girl I met 11 years back, what is wrong here, is it even normal?:scratchhead:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, I have no idea what is going on with you but I CAN tell you how much your rejection is damaging your wife. Soon she will no longer want to have sex with you either and there you go.

When did you notice this change in yourself?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hard to tell from limited details. You might want to spring for counseling because this is a marriage breaker that your dealing with.

Something has gone wrong. I think getting "use" to her is possibly revealing in that maybe you are taking her for granted and maybe you need to take some risks and explore spicing things up.

Do you guys ever talk about sex? Maybe things you do like or things you would like to try? 

When my wife and I discuss sex, we both start getting horny pretty fast.

Anyway, hope you get to the bottom of it. Maybe you could start with your DWs bottom and work your way up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Do you have kids? If you do, maybe you see her as a "mom" instead of a wife. There's men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives after seeing give birth. I recommend counseling.


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## TheRalfZer0 (Feb 17, 2014)

Well, the change came about pretty recently.

I'm the one that wants to try new things, make it more interesting you know, have fun with our sexuality, but it recently began to feel like a "bad reward", just mentioning something different will get her on lock-down.

In a way, to described our sex life: "Sunday School", always the same, over and over and over.....

We do have kids, but that sure is hell ain't the reason. 

It's kinda hard, all though I know she wants me, it's just the same routine that's getting to me, i guess that's what's wrong, I'll rather avoid sex then follow the same routine.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

TheRalfZer0 said:


> Well, the change came about pretty recently.
> 
> I'm the one that wants to try new things, make it more interesting you know, have fun with our sexuality, but it recently began to feel like a "bad reward", just mentioning something different will get her on lock-down.
> 
> ...


Sounds like y'all are in a rut. Can y'all get away alone for a weekend? I would also suggest counseling. You may have built up resentment towards her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TheRalfZer0 said:


> Well, the change came about pretty recently.
> 
> I'm the one that wants to try new things, make it more interesting you know, have fun with our sexuality, but it recently began to feel like a "bad reward", just mentioning something different will get her on lock-down.
> 
> ...


Well THIS is a very different issue than what you originally stated, which was that you arent sexually attracted to her any more. Instead of coming at her with what you want to do differently, try having a heart to heart with her about WHY she is so reluctant to try something different.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Be alpha male and take the initiative.

Meaning, if you want doggie style, or 69, or missionary with her legs on your shoulders, etc. then go do that with her. Just do it. If you ask can we do this or that, you aren't being alpha male. Be the man and take her and do these things with her.

Buy some toys and just surprise her. Buy oils and candles and surprise her. Play some adult movies and surprise her.

Change it up.

If she is the type of woman who is more passive and vanilla sex, you have to initiate and change it up.

Who knows. Maybe deep down she wants you to do this but won't say anything?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Be alpha male and take the initiative.
> 
> Meaning, if you want doggie style, or 69, or missionary with her legs on your shoulders, etc. then go do that with her. Just do it. If you ask can we do this or that, you aren't being alpha male. Be the man and take her and do these things with her.
> 
> ...


Just be prepared for the possibility of having it blow up in your face like a strategic nuclear bomb.

My Pure as the driven Snow Vanilla wife has warned me that if I have any notion of adding anything to the bedroom activity, that a heads up several day in advance (countersigned in triplicate) has to be submitted to allow her to wrap her head around the idea. Surprising her in bed can lead to weapons play.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Just be prepared for the possibility of having it blow up in your face like a strategic nuclear bomb.
> 
> My Pure as the driven Snow Vanilla wife has warned me that if I have any notion of adding anything to the bedroom activity, that a heads up several day in advance (countersigned in triplicate) has to be submitted to allow her to wrap her head around the idea. Surprising her in bed can lead to weapons play.


:lol::lol::lol:
I just got a picture of multi nuclear explosions coming from the bedroom!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> :lol::lol::lol:
> I just got a picture of multi nuclear explosions coming from the bedroom!


Not lately. The current policy is Mutually Assured Destruction, which has led to a bit of a cold war.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheRalfZer0 said:


> I Really need help, any advice please (Honest but not degrading please, this is a private matter after all)
> 
> Yes, this is how desperate I am, I'm actually asking the Internet for advice:
> 
> ...


What sort of things are you upset with her, or hold resentment about?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes my wife is fairly vanilla and routine as well. Any changes need to be gradual, although if I ask her to do things different on the spur of the moment, she will. Just that without advance prep it can ruin her enjoyment. 

I can't really relate to the OP though because we do it almost the exact same way every time for the past 4 years and even though I would like more variation I still enjoy sex.

Is there something specifically you could put in the routine that would make you enjoy it more. 

For me some oral foreplay helped quite a bit.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In cowgirl smack her on the ass and say 'on your knees *****'.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In cowgirl smack her on the ass and say 'on your knees *****'.


My wife would love this. NOT! But it would be pretty cool after the swelling went down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thound said:


> My wife would love this. NOT! But it would be pretty cool after the swelling went down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yours or hers?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You say your sexual routine is stale, repitative and as a result of the boredom, you have lost interest in your wife sexually. You also suggest that her refusal to vary the sexual experience leaves you with no option but to be bored with her.

Why does she refuse to vary the sexual experience? What does she say? How do you respond when she refuses? Taking a page from another poster here, JLD, I wonder if she continues to refuse because she doesn't feel that her fears or inhibitions are being listened to or respected?

Do you watch too much porn? Do you expect that your wife will get all hot and bothered merely by the sight of your dck? What do you do to arouse and excite her? How far in advance of actually getting in bed together do you start the sex play?

As WOM and Cuddlebug have suggested, maybe taking the reins and rag dolling her into whatever position you like might do it. But not if your relationship is strained and not if you aren't pushing her erotic buttons.

While it's true, some women enter marriage with huge sexual hang ups and refuse to give them up no matter what their husbands do or don't do, but I think it's more common that a lot of husbands have no idea how to turn on a real live woman.

How sexy are you as a man? How much effort do you put into appearing sexy in dress, in grooming and in manner?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In cowgirl smack her on the ass and say 'on your knees *****'.


Hell yeah . . .


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Just be prepared for the possibility of having it blow up in your face like a strategic nuclear bomb.
> 
> My Pure as the driven Snow Vanilla wife has warned me that if I have any notion of adding anything to the bedroom activity, that a heads up several day in advance (countersigned in triplicate) has to be submitted to allow her to wrap her head around the idea. Surprising her in bed can lead to weapons play.




Hehe, I totally hear yah.

Just don't suddenly have anal sex with her.....

Just subtle changes, some oils, small toys, music, maybe feathers, blind fold her, stuff like that. Start small with the changes.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TheRalfZer0 said:


> It's kinda hard, all though I know she wants me, it's just the same routine that's getting to me, i guess that's what's wrong, I'll rather avoid sex then follow the same routine.


Have you put the above to her? I just figure that at least telling her how you feel might make a difference.

As others have suggested you could when she tells you in "that kind of way" go with her and try things different without talking about it. As in just try something new by doing it rather than asking for permission. Of course if you are doing something different and she tells you to stop doing that you have to respect that.

I would also urge caution if you're intending to do anything that can cause pain or is on the fetish side of things. In that case it would probably be best to ask first.

Now going for things without asking may upset the apple cart and make things worse, she may not like that you would try such things and the consequences may be unpalatable to you both. As it stands though, you're not entirely happy with the situation and the wheel is already coming off the cart. Don't you think because you are withholding and withdrawing from your wife, that she might start to think you no longer love or value her, is that the outcome you are after?

It comes up all the time, we get into relationships with people we love. Yet through fear we fail to express ourselves and be honest with our loves. If you love your partner isn't it best to express your deepest feelings and desires. For a time I used to tip-toe around (as in not tell) my luscious wife that I had a particular fetish interest. For fear she would be grossed out by what I wanted to do to her. In the end I realised that I wasn't going to get it by keeping it a secret or withholding intimacy so I just told her and provided reading material about it. Although she isn't into it, following the initial "you're into what?!!!", is happy to accommodate me and let me do my thing.

I am certain that open and very direct discussions regarding sex (and everything else for that matter) with the one you love is essential to a long lasting great relationship.

One other thing that is essential as Anon Pink mentions is how sexy you are and it isn't specifically about looks or fitness, attitude and how you carry yourself plays a big role as well as what you can do.

Your dck isn't all as Anon Pink say's, if you know your wife you will know what drives her wild and when it does and what doesn't. My luscious wife (18 years of sex together, 15 years married) hates having her nipples fiddled with early on when playing even the lightest brush from a tongue feels painful yet later she effectively craves biting when she gets closer to orgasm. While my ex wife went wild with running teeth down her neck, my luscious one doesn't like that at all. If you know what drives her wild you can take it from there, if you don't know you need to find out.

I have "known" many women which has included experienced ones and not, I have not known any that didn't desire new things and crave sexual intimacy. Knowing how to make them orgasm and to feel a wild craving really makes a difference.

Every woman is different so reading all the sex guides in the world will only get you on the door step so to speak. if you can't translate that introduction into reading your partner's every detail, every blush, every flutter, every quiver and more when you play it is so much harder to make it special for them.

If a woman views sex as a chore or as a duty and only wants it one way when she does it at all, is she actually enjoying and craving what you do? Or does she dislike sex because she hasn't actually tasted that something truly special that great sex is?

In summary tell her, know her and don't withdraw from her. If it turns out that you both aren't happy because you just don't work together. It's up to you wether you live in misery together or let each other go. Too many people seem to on some level enjoy punishing their spouses when they have fallen out of love by staying together and making them pay for any slights by maintaining a miserable and toxic relationship.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I hVe a book recommendation for you: "Kosher Adultry, Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse" by Shmuley Boteach.


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## MeatTrain (Dec 4, 2013)

TheRalfZer0 said:


> I Really need help, any advice please (Honest but not degrading please, this is a private matter after all)
> 
> Yes, this is how desperate I am, I'm actually asking the Internet for advice:
> 
> ...


It happens sometimes. The lust dies out after a while. Just find a way to get it back. Spend less time together, do new exciting things, ask her to change her dress or hair style etc.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In cowgirl smack her on the ass and say 'on your knees *****'.


:lol::rofl::lol::rofl:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I see this differently.

Is it possible that you are trying to coerce her. Withholding sex may get what you want short-term. However, if your wife feels pressured to do what you want, she may resent you. 

Moreover, if she gets no pleasure or feels she has no control over what happens, she may use a shutdown to communicate too. 

Start having sex again ASAP and approach this with maturity and forethought. This time, try some of the excellent suggestions from previous posters. 

Communication in the right way is most important. If she thinks that you will not take what she likes into account, she will not want to try. 

Coaxing a sexual plain Jane has to be done in an atmosphere of trust and safety.


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