# Nonexistent contact



## Vigi (Nov 20, 2019)

I've always initiated sex. He did very little. But, now he takes pain pills and has problems with sex. Last couple times, he finished within a minute and I was left hanging. Now, I don't care about initiating sex bc he doesn't care if I finish. Two years and no sex. 
Worse yet, he's never been affectionate. I'm lucky to get a pat on the shoulder when I'm upset, etc. 
Now, no affection. No sex. And I'm very depressed. 
We've always had a very sexual marriage until he started pills. Permanent disability means never stopping them.
30 years and I sleep alone. He makes excuses. No sex. No affection. 
I'm so desperate. But, nothing's going to change. Help!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Are you in individual therapy so you can talk with someone in detail and get some ideas of your options?

Has he told his Dr. about the effect of the pain pills? Has he asked if is is safe to try an ED pill in combination with his pain pills?

Has he had his testosterone checked? If his T is low, his sex drive will also be low. There are supplements/vitamins sold in combo packs that he can take to help his hormones, take care of his prostrate gland, and other things.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Vigi said:


> I've always initiated sex. He did very little. But, now he takes pain pills and has problems with sex. Last couple times, he finished within a minute and I was left hanging. Now, I don't care about initiating sex bc he doesn't care if I finish. Two years and no sex.
> Worse yet, he's never been affectionate. I'm lucky to get a pat on the shoulder when I'm upset, etc.
> Now, no affection. No sex. And I'm very depressed.
> We've always had a very sexual marriage until he started pills. Permanent disability means never stopping them.
> ...


Does this selfish,, clueless ass-hole keep you chained to the basement floor? 

If he doesn't, why on EARTH are you *still* there, subjecting yourself to someone _*this *_selfish and vile?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Vigi said:


> I'm lucky to get a pat on the shoulder when I'm upset, etc.


If you ask for a hug when you're upset, what is his reaction?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oh man ...... It's like I can hear the pain just by reading your typing.

I've always had a real hard time understanding this as a man. A friend of my wife has some of these same problems.

And sleeping alone .......:frown2:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you don't mind;

How old are you both?
What disability is being dealt with?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I think living like that must be unbearable!!!!

I could NOT do it...I MUST be loved and cherished and TOUCHED to be happy, because I DESERVE it!!! 

If you have tried to get through to him, and he doesn't care at all about you, don't you think you would be better off alone? Or tell him you want an open marriage, and go find someone who needs touch and care as much as you do (and most people do, as well!)!!!

And by the way, my husband has been taking pain pills daily for arthritis for many years, and yes, it makes sex a little more difficult for him, but he's always capable. I think it has much more to do with the attitude that someone has about it - it can be overcome if that's what the person wants, otherwise, I'd say it's just another excuse.

PLEASE realize your own worth and take steps to find what you need and want to be happy....YOU DESERVE IT, TOO!!!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I am so sorry and can empathize. Is this a 'for better or worse marriage situation'? I'm thinking individual counseling would help you both. His hangups should be addressed.

Hope he is not embarrassed, this occurs in the lives of many men (and women). He is likely depressed too.

You need touch even if it is not the affectionate kind.--things that help include: massage, gardening, meditation, dancing...

Ask him for touch as gifts for holidays and he will become more accustomed. His family of origin was not likely to show affection. He never learned to be comfortable doing this. Start with holding hands.

More important there is no reason he should leave you hanging--ever. The are many ways to show love, affection, connection, and sexual fulfillment. Has he read books like 'Married Man's Sex Life Primer? and 'She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman' (Kerner)? There are books telling folks with disabilities how to enjoy sex--therapist can advise. We care...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Have you spoken up and told him what you need? 
Why did you let him sleep in a different bed to begin with? He sounds incredibly selfish, and you sound super passive and too go with the flow. 

I honestly don’t understand why people don’t advocate for themselves. I understand being in a situation where you ask and you communicate and you do all that YOU can do from your end and if things still don’t change then I understand wanting to leave or start couples counseling. 

When I compare myself to “nice” women like you I always feel like such a jerk and a nag because I am constantly advocating for myself.


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## Vigi (Nov 20, 2019)

To everyone! Thank u 4 ur encouraging responses. I've felt so alone for years. Having addressed the medical issues he refused to speak to dr. I've said I need more. More everything. I've cried out in many ways. Told him we have a fake marriage. He's got neck injuries. I've had 8 surgeries including two fusions. Thank God my son had us move out by him but I'm stuck. Too many disabilities to get enough money to leave. Dependency is my issue bc of health. No pity please. It's the truth.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Vigi said:


> I've always initiated sex. He did very little. But, now he takes pain pills and has problems with sex. Last couple times, he finished within a minute and I was left hanging. Now, I don't care about initiating sex bc he doesn't care if I finish. Two years and no sex.
> Worse yet, he's never been affectionate. I'm lucky to get a pat on the shoulder when I'm upset, etc.
> Now, no affection. No sex. And I'm very depressed.
> We've always had a very sexual marriage until he started pills. Permanent disability means never stopping them.
> ...


This is BS on your husband's part. Yes he has a disability and that implies he won't recover fully. But he needs to make his best effort. Has he tried an ED pill? Different pain medication to minimize side effects? Perhaps he is bummed out from having his body fail on him and isn't coping well; what's he doing to get over that and move forward?


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## Vigi (Nov 20, 2019)

I've had 2 neck fusion, 3 hand surgery, elbow, knee, and very recently had gallbladder surgery and kidney stones. He had a botched neck surgery and kidney stones. His is irreparable. 
I've spoken with him several times about sexual remedies. No. Won't even ask a dr. He repeatedly lies about sleeping apart. He will take naps on the bed but refuses to sleep on it at night. Sleeping in recliner for almost 3 years. Sex twice in that time. 
I've lost hope and know it's a lost cause. No affection. No sex. No communication.
Can't leave. No income. Disabled. Can't ask him to leave, that would leave my son financially responsible. Disability for me would take years. 
So, I'm lost. Don't have a clue what to do. I'm so lonely. Need love. Affection. Interaction. Doing things with someone who wants me. 
I will take advice. Please.


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