# 3 vacation trips without spouse?



## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

I am newly married, less than 2 years, and we are both in our late 40's. My new wife has made plans to do following which does not sit well with me and is a hard pill to swallow.

1. Going to Arizona with a girlfriend for a long weekend.
2. Going to a wedding in Georgia without me and bringing her kids instead.
3. Going to Puerto Rico for a Half Marathon with a girlfriend.

She also had plans to go to Las Vegas with a girlfriend too, but that fell through. We haven't had an us vacation since we've been married. Last year she also went on a Las Vegas trip with her girlfriend too.

My wife makes more money than I do. I get paid well and have a good career and I pay for most of the expenses around the home, leaving me with almost nothing left over. She has extra money to go on vacations like this and says if I want to go on a vacation with HER than I need to pay for both of us to go from my money. 

I don't think this is fair, we are married and we are suppose to pool our money together and pay expenses and with what is left over we can go on trips, vacations, etc. She does not see it that way. Her money is her money and the MAN is suppose to pay for going out, expenses, vacations, etc.

I also feel left out and hurt. When I talk to her about it she says, "Don't take it personal". "You need to get more friends to do things with". "These trips are for me and my kids, NOT you".

I feel if she goes on ALL these trip without me and I have to:

1. Drop her off and pick her up at the airport.
2. Watch her 3 dogs, feed them and clean up after them.
3. Take care of house and upkeep while she is gone.
4. Baby sit her daughter, drop off at school and cook meals.
5. Go to work and make money to afford her expenses. 
6. Be happy about it and think nothing of it.
7. Plus, save up enough money to go on a trip for us.

I think I will LEAVE HER and walk out and file for divorce. This is just TOO BIG OF A PILL TO SWALLOW.

Am I wrong feeling this way?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you have told her this is unacceptable to you, and she just tells you to suck it up, then yes, divorce is a viable option.

Did you not talk about this before you were married??


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

She sounds selfish and set in her ways. So she gets to go on vacations alone, but if you go together you have to pay for everything from your money? Why don't you put your foot down and say no? You're not a child, you can make decisions/rules too.


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

Drop her..........plain and simple. If she makes more than you then there is not fear of alimony or her getting any of your 401k/savings........get out before she makes you into a complete doormat!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My first thought was it sounds like she's using you. For money, so she can spend hers on herself, and free babysitting when she wants to go out and act single.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

brightstar2 said:


> I am newly married, less than 2 years, and we are both in our late 40's. My new wife has made plans to do following which does not sit well with me and is a hard pill to swallow.
> 
> 1. Going to Arizona with a girlfriend for a long weekend.
> 2. Going to a wedding in Georgia without me and bringing her kids instead.
> ...


No you are not wrong.
Why isn't she contributing to any expenses that isn't right.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Also, when you say "expenses" -- what exactly does she pay for? Does she chip in on housing, groceries, transport, basic needs?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Also, when you say "expenses" -- what exactly does she pay for? Does she chip in on housing, groceries, transport, basic needs?


Was it okay until you got married and she did a bait and switch?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Either drop her or require she pay half of the expenses, so you'll have money to vacation with her. I'd go with option A since this does not sound like a marriage to me.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Did you not talk about this before you were married??


Yes, we did. She was use to going on trips and vacations without her spouse with her late husband. However, I told her I am okay with it as long as I get a trip or vacation with her, not just one sided. 

However, she throws in my face that I don't make enough money to treat her to trips and vacations. Which is true because I pay for most of the expenses around the home.

But 3 separate trips without me, it would not matter if I got 4 trips together with her alone. 3 is just too many for me to swallow. One or maybe two a year okay, but that is my limit. I just feel to hurt and left out. 

Plus, the wedding is the BIG one that hurts me. She does not want me to go at all, eventhough I am clearly invited. She keeps our marriage a secret from parts of her family too because of her late husband and she was messing around with me when she was separated from him and married me soon after he died. So I think the wedding has something to do with that too.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Also, when you say "expenses" -- what exactly does she pay for? Does she chip in on housing, groceries, transport, basic needs?


Yes, she pays for groceries for the family and 40% of rent plus her own and daughters personal expenses. She came from a very wealth background.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

brightstar2 said:


> Yes, we did. She was use to going on trips and vacations without her spouse with her late husband. However, I told her I am okay with it as long as I get a trip or vacation with her, not just one sided.
> 
> However, she throws in my face that I don't make enough money to treat her to trips and vacations. Which is true because I pay for most of the expenses around the home.
> 
> ...


I would pull the plug on this m if you want to call it that.
Not much to save here imo.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

She's not treating your marriage like a marriage.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

A: Split the bills

B: Tell her that this is total BS, and that if it doesn't stop, you're outta there.

Pretty simple, but the straightest, most honest thing you can do!

BTW - you are NOT wrong for feeling this way at all...


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Cake and eat it too. Take away her cake.

Terminal illness with her deceased H? If so, couldnt wait for him to die before messing around huh?

Now she wants you to pay for her to jet around and gives you sh!t about not making enough. 

Sounds like a great woman.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Either drop her or require she pay half of the expenses, so you'll have money to vacation with her. I'd go with option A since this does not sound like a marriage to me.



If I require her to pay for half the expenses she will say it is too expensive for her and she will move back to her other house out of state. She says she moved to my State and up rooted her kids to be with me. She pays another mortgage and expense on ANOTHER home in another state. Trying to sell it but large mansion are not selling too well in the middle of nowhere.

Thus, she tells me she has problems a mile high and I have none.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Hiding your m? I'd let her hide the d!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

brightstar2 said:


> She keeps our marriage a secret from parts of her family too because of her late husband and *she was messing around with me when she was separated from him and married me soon after he died.* So I think the wedding has something to do with that too.


So, you married someone who cheated on her husband with you and hides your marriage from her family, and you are now surprised that she's selfish and entitled and lacks relationship skills?
:slap:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Scuse me?? She TELLS you this and she TELLS you that. WTF?? And keeps you a SECRET? Holy crap.

Get rid of this woman NOW. like NOW. File for D. NOW. Don't even think about all the reasons why you can't - just DO it. NOW.

Holy crap.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Rowan said:


> So, you married someone who cheated


Christ I missed that. Holy crap.

WTF are you with this woman for?? She must give really good head or something. Holy crap.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Christ I missed that. Holy crap.
> 
> WTF are you with this woman for?? She must give really good head or something. Holy crap.


Hmmm really good head but the cost is living with this "prize". Hmmmmm.........................


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> She sounds selfish and set in her ways. So she gets to go on vacations alone, but if you go together you have to pay for everything from your money? Why don't you put your foot down and say no? You're not a child, you can make decisions/rules too.


I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot. 

She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

brightstar2 said:


> I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot.
> 
> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


Now you leave. Tell her to make sure she brings her kids with her on her trip because you will be spending the time getting her sh*t out of the house.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Scuse me?? She TELLS you this and she TELLS you that. WTF?? And keeps you a SECRET? Holy crap.
> 
> Get rid of this woman NOW. like NOW. File for D. NOW. Don't even think about all the reasons why you can't - just DO it. NOW.
> 
> Holy crap.


We are not even legally married either. BECAUSE, she would lose her late husbands social security check so she could ONLY get a Civil Union with me, which is considered married in our State only, not recognized by the Goverment so her check keeps coming in.

ALSO, I cannot claim her as a dependant, nor her daughters and I have to claim SINGLE my my tax returns too. However, she gets my great health insurance package through my work which is OUTSTANDING coverage and with her and her daughters visits and prescriptions, they would pay through the nose. Just one of her prescriptions cost $400, now though me it's on $15. 

I need to cut her loose and say sign up quickly for Obamacare.... you have until March 31


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

brightstar2 said:


> I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot.
> 
> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


What do you mean, now what?? Are you even reading the replies here???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you go with her?

It does seem odd.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Why don't you go with her?
> 
> It does seem odd.


I cannot go with her because she does not want me to go. But I should feel okay about this, according to her. She does not understand why I don't.

She thinks I am being selfish too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm confused about the civil union thing, do you still need to divorce or do paperwork to leave?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It really sounds like she is using you. It does not sound like the kind of relationship I would ever allow. If my W told me tough and not to get my panties in a bunch she would be out the door. This is really unacceptable behavior to anyone. The longer you let her walk on you the more she will do. I would send her packing and when she gets pissed I would say "Don't get your panties in a bunch" "Its nothing Personal your just not worth the headache".

I hate people that just think they can abuse you because your nice and have a good nature. 

I hope you get away from her soon. At the very least put a stop to this behavior. 

Clay


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

brightstar2 said:


> I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot.
> 
> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


But what about being ok with always paying for dinner, always paying for trips together, your expenses arrangement, etc.? You don't have to tolerate that. 

Of course I think all this is beside the point. I don't think you're going to ever get to a good relationship with a woman like that. OTOH, you chose to marry someone you cheated with, so I kind of feel like caveat emptor applies here.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm confused about the civil union thing, do you still need to divorce or do paperwork to leave?


Still need the divorce, same as a marriage in our state.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Clay2013 said:


> I hate people that just think they can abuse you because your nice and have a good nature.
> 
> Clay


Story of our relationship. I broke up with her 4 times before we were married because of her crap. I just could not deal with it. She'd change, stop that behavior and then it's something else.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

brightstar2 said:


> Story of our relationship. I broke up with her 4 times before we were married because of her crap. I just could not deal with it. She'd change, stop that behavior and then it's something else.


You know that "fool me once" saying? Well you're already two times over your limit, so I'd say it's time to start looking in the mirror.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think you just need to get out of this relationship. This really does not sound like the kind of relationship I would want to be in. 

Clay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brightstar2 said:


> She thinks I am being selfish too.


Which is ironic.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

John Lee said:


> You know that "fool me once" saying? Well you're already two times over your limit, so I'd say it's time to start looking in the mirror.


+1 on this... Why did you think things were going to magically get better?

Personally, I think you could try manning up and laying out your boundaries before the whole divorce thing. But I suspect the end result will be the same. She doesn't seem to respect you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> So, you married someone who cheated on her husband with you and hides your marriage from her family, and you are now surprised that she's selfish and entitled and lacks relationship skills?
> :slap:


I have to agree. At first I felt bad for you but come on now you set yourself up for all this nonsense. Could almost feel bad for you if you were in your early 20's but late 40's and doing this???


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

brightstar2 said:


> I am newly married, less than 2 years, and we are both in our late 40's. My new wife has made plans to do following which does not sit well with me and is a hard pill to swallow.
> 
> 1. Going to Arizona with a girlfriend for a long weekend.
> 2. Going to a wedding in Georgia without me and bringing her kids instead.
> ...


No you are not. She's taking you for granted.

I would plan similar alone trips and with the fellas trips against her. Go to a cruise, to Vegas or Brazil or something, exciting trips where all types of action can happen and let her wonder.

She might understand how it feels for a while, when you can't wait to do your next trip without her.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

:scratchhead: Did she reach into your wallet and take your man card away?

If you have voiced your concerns already and she just keeps on going than she thinks your not a man and she can control you.(Beta)

I would also think if you are not allowed to go on trips, I would assume that this might be girls gone wild weekends. (once a cheat, always a cheat.)

Stop letting her spit in your face and tell her it ends and she will split the cost of living with you or she can pack her and her kids stuff up and send them back to their big mansion.

She does not love you if she acts like this!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When she is on her next vacation pack your stuff and leave. You are being used.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

I am not saying this to be rude or mean, but to help you understand the root issue.

You, as a man, are not being the leader in your relationship. The way you feel right now is entirely YOUR fault, not hers. Some people will disagree with me on that but that's because they don't get it either. 

Let's just say you can't control other people, but you can control yourself and what you are willing to put up with or not put up with, and how you choose to operate within a relationship. You are choosing to operate as a victim, therefore why you feel the way you do. You are blaming her for your misery, when it is totally within your power - and always has been - to create the exact relationship you want instead. But that requires a leadership mentality, not a victim mentality. Again not being mean - I did the same thing at one point in my relationship. And it was very hard to turn around (mostly my own emotional turmoil), and my situation wasn't nearly as dire as yours. But the successful outcome is ultimately better than your wildest dreams. However it is all up to YOU, not her. And requires a huge, difficult turnaround in the way you think and operate. But consider the alternative - stay the way you are. Is that acceptable to you?

The very first step in all this is that you need to acknowledge your responsibility in creating this situation. Being a leader means taking responsibility and ownership. Otherwise, whether your current relationship fails or not, you will be doomed to repeating this scenario with someone else. You let someone else lead the relationship, then you're surprised and upset when things don't go the way you feel they should, and feel powerless to change it.

So honestly ask yourself this - who is the leader in your relationship right now? Do you feel that someone else is causing your unhappiness...like a victim would feel?

Once you can answer that honestly, you are ready to start taking steps forward to creating the relationship you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

brightstar2 said:


> If I require her to pay for half the expenses she will say it is too expensive for her and she will move back to her other house out of state. She says she moved to my State and up rooted her kids to be with me. She pays another mortgage and expense on ANOTHER home in another state. Trying to sell it but large mansion are not selling too well in the middle of nowhere.
> 
> Thus, she tells me she has problems a mile high and I have none.


Ummm...what kind of _marriage_ is this? Are you partners or not? I suspect _you_ think you signed on to be partners, but it certainly appears by her actions that she does not see you as partners at all. 

I would simply not tolerate that kind of insolence. Draw your boundaries, make it clear to her what they are, if she won't live up to what is generally accepted as standard protocol in marriage (partnership), then you're gonna bail...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would get out of this ASAP ! She married you to be a caretaker, not a husband !


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

brightstar2 said:


> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


Change the locks.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. I would assume she doesn't want you to go so she can hook up with another man. Honestly you don't sound like you turn her crank. You're just there to be the nanny/butler. And really you're not exhibiting much respect for yourself so why would she give it?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

brightstar2 said:


> If I require her to pay for half the expenses she will say it is too expensive for her and she will move back to her other house out of state. She says she moved to my State and up rooted her kids to be with me. She pays another mortgage and expense on ANOTHER home in another state. Trying to sell it but large mansion are not selling too well in the middle of nowhere.
> 
> Thus, she tells me she has problems a mile high and I have none.


So are you getting a piece of the pie when those properties are sold? If not, then she is getting to put her money into something for her, while you are putting yours into something for the two of you. Not sure how that is fair.


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## brightstar2 (Feb 27, 2014)

justtryin said:


> I am not saying this to be rude or mean, but to help you understand the root issue.
> 
> You, as a man, are not being the leader in your relationship. The way you feel right now is entirely YOUR fault, not hers. Some people will disagree with me on that but that's because they don't get it either.
> 
> ...


Thank you, you are very wise.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

brightstar2 said:


> I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot.
> 
> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


Yeah....let me ask you.....

Now what?

Are you a man of conviction to your word or are you a paper lion?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ya, I would tell her to pack up her and her daughters crap before she leaves on another trip...tell her to go back to the other state.

Come on, dude. You don't really need to hear these responses, do you? You already know what you need to do. 

There's no equality in your partnership/marriage. You can't accept this arrangement....probably shouldn't have married this broad.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Ya, I would tell her to pack up her and her daughters crap before she leaves on another trip...tell her to go back to the other state.
> 
> Come on, dude. You don't really need to hear these responses, do you? You already know what you need to do.
> 
> There's no equality in your partnership/marriage. You can't accept this arrangement....probably shouldn't have married this broad.


The classic phrase fits here. "If you don't respect yourself, who will?"


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> +1 on this... Why did you think things were going to magically get better?
> 
> Personally, I think you could try manning up and laying out your boundaries before the whole divorce thing. But I suspect the end result will be the same. She doesn't seem to respect you.
> 
> C


You could consider it practice, even if you know it is futile!



Tall Average Guy said:


> So are you getting a piece of the pie when those properties are sold? If not, then she is getting to put her money into something for her, while you are putting yours into something for the two of you. Not sure how that is fair.


Very good point!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I am struggling to understand how a REAL marriage can operate without having a 'joint funds' philosophy.. everything you make, plus everything she makes is thrown into one column and considered "family resources"...which pays for joint needs, childrens needs, and wife and husband's individual needs. not saying its not possible any other way but...."my funds" and "your funds" is just bullsh*** IMO


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh brother, I just finished reading this and I have a headache, lol.

Cut your losses and go. This isn't a marriage.

Tell her she needs to make arrangements for her daughter and the dogs when she next goes away, because you're done.

And then GO.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is not a marriage.
Yes, I would be going for divorce.... It may "wake her up" or you you will find out that things were not going to change.


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## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

brightstar2 said:


> I am newly married, less than 2 years, and we are both in our late 40's. My new wife has made plans to do following which does not sit well with me and is a hard pill to swallow.
> 
> 1. Going to Arizona with a girlfriend for a long weekend.
> 2. Going to a wedding in Georgia without me and bringing her kids instead.
> ...


late to the conversation, but...

the not sharing of the money is not equitable. that's my first statement out of the box. that's the biggest problem i have.

trip 1: if she gets a girls weekend, fine, but she should have to pay for it if you don't get to enjoy it.
trip 2: do you not know the people being married? is there a reason you can't all go?
trip 3: i'm a runner and i'll back this one up, actually. if she's trained for this race and wants to do well, you will likely not enjoy the event (it's boring as hell if you're not doing the running) and it's likely that your priorities won't be hers if she's down there for a race. it's hard traveling to a race that you've trained months for and having someone with a totally different set of priorities. runnerthink is... odd. but i get this one.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

As a man.. I can't help but NOT feel sorry for your situation. 

Rule #1 = you don't marry a woman who's cheating on her H with you
Rule #2 = you do not babysit her kids while she is out of state for 'potentially f*cking other guys' reasons 

It's rather easy.. you pull out your 'man' card if you still have one.. and say NO. NO you will not vacation without me because it BOTHERS ME and NO I will not babysit your kids while you are out having the time of your life. And if there is a problem with that.. then let's file for divorce and you move back to your mansion.

Then.. a few months down the road.. you find a woman who loves and cherishes you.. who doesn't expect you to watch her kids if she has any.. who pays half the fair share.. and who wants to vacation with her husband. 

Get it together.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

wise said:


> Then.. a few months down the road.. you find a woman who loves and cherishes you.. who doesn't expect you to watch her kids if she has any.. who pays half the fair share.. and who wants to vacation with her husband.


One add: Make sure she is single before getting involved on any level.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

brightstar2 said:


> Yes, she pays for groceries for the family and 40% of rent plus her own and daughters personal expenses. She came from a very wealth background.


Is it not weird to anyone else that he says he is "paying most of the expenses around the home" but then says the above?

They are renting, so pay mostly just phone/electricity/rent in regards to home expenses. Groceries and rent would be, I would think, the biggest two expenses. 

Wife is paying for groceries and 40% of rent, she is therefore paying one of the largest expenses in it's entirety, and nearly half of the other large expense, and then she pays for personal stuff for her and her daughter, and yet, people are saying she isn't contributing? That just doesn't add up, or am I living on a completely different planet to everyone else?

I don't agree with the other stuff she is doing, but I get the feeling that this isn't so all cut and dried as her keeping all her money and him using all his to support them.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think what we really have here is a man who has married an older woman (as in lived life, not that she's older than him) who has had kids, has a career, has a house, has family money, and is not keen on 'pooling money' with a man who has virtually none of that and earns less than her. She doesn't respect him, doesn't want to pay for him to go away with her and uses him like a babysitter. 

Why are you even there OP?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

brightstar2 said:


> I did put my foot down and said "NO" I am not okay this. She said, "it's nothing personal", "don't get your panties in bunch". As if it is no big deal, I should not feel this way and I should get over it. Yet, I cannot.
> 
> She is going to go on these trips, eventhough I said No. So now what?


You tell her to get a kennel for the dogs and take the daughter: you are going out on your own. Tell her it is nothing personal and she needs to not get her panties in a bunch. She does what she wants: you get to do what YOU want.

She laid these ground rules, not you. And call her bluff. Let her move back out of the state. It will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Seems like a mother/son relationship.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Honestly it sounds like she isn't that into you.

I think that even the worst case scenario of you living alone would be better for your self esteem than accepting this kind of disdain.

Now, if you are treating her badly too, fix it. But as described, you shouldn't be there.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Just an unbelievable heap of crap that only the most cuckold beta would put up with.

So.....if this is real you have a bright future ahead, an unknown world of possibilities.


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