# It's Miss Scarlett again - more orgasm talk...



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Backstory - faking orgasms for years, coming clean with H a year ago, trying to learn how this thing works. 

I've identified that H and I are on a 2 month cycle, give or take. One really good month followed by a downslide, followed by a fight, repeat. 

Last week one night we had started kissing in bed, foreplay, etc. H said - hey, Miss Scarlett, I have to be up at 4am tomorrow. Might it be okay if we just have a quickie and I will get to you tomorrow. 

Per our agreement of 'if you're meeting my needs, I will meet yours' I agreed. 

The next night an argument ensued over an upcoming vacation, there was no sex and then he left town on business for several days. 

I was seriously pissed off, back to thinking of him as a selfish ass when it comes to sex. Having a few days to think this over, I realized the problem did not lie in him asking for a quickie. The problem, again, was me. 

If you have been following my story, you know I have a long history (20 years worth) of not feeling I can expect the time and effort from a sexual partner to get me to orgasm. I thought I had overcome this issue recently - and yet here it was again. Although the sex between H and I is so much better - I am still leaning on this issue, namely if I don't think I will be able to get there in 20 minutes or less I request a pass. I request him to stop. I say never mind. 

Therefore, last weeks fight was more about the fact that I already don't let him try unless I am pretty sure there will be success - and he still asked to skip it. I'm already cheating myself out of this, so for him to say that made me feel like I really am too much trouble.

We got things worked out over this past weekend. And I told him this. I never had told him before that I was calling it quits if I thought it was going to be difficult or take a long time. This is not a habit of his, asking for a quickie, either. 

I find I'm still very paranoid about how long it might take me to orgasm. Even though I have friends that say it takes them a long time, I'm normal. I still can only really hear the women that are off like a shot. I expect myself to be like that, I feel I'm broken because I can't O from PIV. I feel I'm broken because it takes more than 20 minutes. I feel I'm broken because I can't concentrate on PIV and clitoral stimulation at the same time.

I'm still trying to cover that I feel broken, I guess. Even though I have all the proof I should need that I'm a normal person and that H is not bent on me having an O or not - I'm still stuck on this hill. 

(Yes, Anon and Faithful, I did read the blog entry on Orgasm Blockers and this was very timely in light of my recent realization.) 

Also my ongoing disclaimer that I am not seeking to have an O every time I'm intimate with my H - I generally am very happy with the way things are, but I recognize that this particular issue is mental and not physical. The physical I cannot really change, but the mental can be overcome. 

Any feedback (that I hope is not going to be a long thread of women and men saying how fast they/their women get off?)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have you ever asked you husband to give you an unreturned orgasm?

Had a chat along these lines with my H last week. Aside from when he is edging himself, by bringing me off on the way to a party or while I'm coking dinner, all under the plan of upping the general eroticism for both is us, it has never happened.* I have never asked that he give me an orgasm with the understanding that it won't be returned.*

Have this conversation with your husband. Try to get him to look at orgasm exchange from your perspective. With or without time and effort considerations, lots of men completely disregard this type of reciprocity.

He can orgasm easily. You require time and effort. Doesn't make any difference at all.

Besides, the message he delivered was that your pleasure wasn't enough for 30 minutes of his time...and that my dear Scarlett is pure bull sh!t!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That WAS pure bull**** - but he doesn't usually act like that, especially not since January. In our follow up conversations he stated he doesn't mind taking the time, doesn't clock watch, doesn't feel resentful. 

He has tried to give me an unreturned orgasm - it's me that can't go through with it. I will take the orgasm of course (or close to it) but can't let it go after that. 

Of course he is not a beacon of unselfishness given the many years he didn't seem to care if I was getting off or not. Acknowledging that we both have our issues, of course, but this particular one seems to be mine. 

It's not so much that he is saying he won't take the time (the quickie request from last week not withstanding) - it's on me that it's still making me too anxious to let it go on too long. Can't stay in the moment and once my concentration turns to the clock it's a no-go anyway.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think that it was right of him to ask for a quickie to save 20-30 minutes. And you should not have given him a pass.

Instead just say -Getting too late? OK then we will wait till tomorrow to finish this. 

Quickies would certainly be in order if he will do the same for you (non-mutual O's) 

Maybe he would have but the fight was unexpected -I don't know. 

18 years of habit do not go away easily.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I would, without question provide my SO an orgasm without the expectation of reciprocation. I guess that's because I love giving oral.

MissScarlett, it seems to me that you are focusing more on the time and the challenge of achieving an orgasm, rather than letting go and enjoying the pleasure of receiving.
Have you found what drives you wild? What turns you on and gets you wet? Isn't there a way you can channel those thoughts into the pleasure you are receiving to help nudge you toward O?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I do enjoy a lot of the things we are doing. After 18 years of no oral and no touching, having those things are wonderful. He has become very skilled at oral particularly. 

Things have changed a lot in the past year - my mind and body are much more connected. I feel things throughout my whole body now whereas up till last year I only felt vaginal sensations, because my expectations were so low and I thought he didn't care anyway. There was no reason to get into it under those circumstances.

That was my experience and that was what sex had always been for me. That is not to say I didn't enjoy sex or want sex. I did. It's just a whole new game for me now.

However - I realized I'm still holding on to things obviously. I have an alarm clock that dings about 15 minutes into oral or manual. Yesterday I had even looked at the clock and told myself 5 more minutes, if I wasn't feeling closer in 5 more minutes I was calling it.

This is an ongoing issue I've had since last year when we started trying to repair things.

I can't really figure out why I am doing this. The mental alarm clock, the anxiety when I realize it's.been 15 minutes, not being able to relax after that point. I am at a loss. It's so automatic and it a pretty strong reaction. It's much greater than my logic. I can tell myself I'm being unreasonable, see it from different point of view and so on. However the emotional response is still more powerful than my logic.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I find myself looking at the clock too. 

If it goes on for too long I'm like you, I "call it."

Women are crazy creatures.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I think you need to have no clocks or time keeping devices available when trying...it's like a mood killer for you.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

That's a good idea Indy! Take them out of the bedroom!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am LOL at such a simple remedy that I never even thought of. 

We have a clock that projects the time on the ceiling too, hard to ignore.

I will definitely put that idea to use!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you ever asked you husband to give you an unreturned orgasm?
> 
> Had a chat along these lines with my H last week. Aside from when he is edging himself, by bringing me off on the way to a party or while I'm coking dinner, all under the plan of upping the general eroticism for both is us, it has never happened.* I have never asked that he give me an orgasm with the understanding that it won't be returned.*
> 
> ...



I have always given my wife orgasms and expected nothing in return. I kinda thought that was common for others too. Many times we give each other a orgasm and expect nothing in return. Its nice to have someone give you and orgasm and then allow you to drift off to sleep. This goes both ways in our marriage


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Happyquest said:


> I have always given my wife orgasms and expected nothing in return. I kinda thought that was common for others too. Many times we give each other a orgasm and expect nothing in return. Its nice to have someone give you and orgasm and then allow you to drift off to sleep. This goes both ways in our marriage


Jealous.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's not the alarm clock. It's what it means. It's the inner voice being an awful b!tch, telling you that you are unworthy of the time and effort, telling you that you're somehow broken because you don't go off in 2 minutes!

You have to boil fudge for 7 minutes. That's 7 straight minutes of hot bubbling sugar, butter and cream, stirring constantly! I love fudge as does my family, and friends and neighbors. That doesn't count the 30 minutes to stir and slowly bring the temp up. 

Why are you not worthy of this attention?

Why is your pleasure doled out with economical time for time reciprocity? 

I know a woman with a fused spine. She was terribly afraid of becoming addicted to narcotics because of the muscle spasms. Her loving husband massages her back every single night for about 45 minutes so she can relax and fall asleep without narcotics. Does she have to consider if she is worthy of his effort? Hell no! He loves her and cares about her so his effort is freely given and she can freely accept.

And that's the bottom line issue with both you miss Scarlett and Furious I mean Curious Wife.  you have had to stomp your feet to get your husbands to out some effort into it. As a result, the message you got was that you're not worthy.

Bull crap!

You are worthy!

He isn't worthy since he hasn't made you feel worthy!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I've given H so many BJ I've the years that he will never be able to catch up. I've never noted the time it took to get him off. Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it takes a while.

Why I can give but not receive in that way is the problem.

I'm definitely covering the clock next time though - thanks Indy.

Editing to add - that is a good point anon. He is putting the effort in now, voluntarily, without being asked. We are having good, mutually initiated sex, we are talking about sex. All these things are very good changes!

Perhaps it is the 18 years that came before still causing me problems.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It's not the alarm clock. It's what it means. It's the inner voice being an awful b!tch, telling you that you are unworthy of the time and effort, telling you that you're somehow broken because you don't go off in 2 minutes!
> 
> You have to boil fudge for 7 minutes. That's 7 straight minutes of hot bubbling sugar, butter and cream, stirring constantly! I love fudge as does my family, and friends and neighbors. That doesn't count the 30 minutes to stir and slowly bring the temp up.
> 
> ...


I LIKE this. :iagree:



> And that's the bottom line issue with both you miss Scarlett and *Furious I mean Curious Wife*.  you have had to stomp your feet to get your husbands to out some effort into it. As a result, the message you got was that you're not worthy.
> 
> Bull crap!
> 
> ...



I LOVE this! :lol:

Oh Anon, so wise and so witty.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

In 26 years of marriage, and nearly 35 years together, I can count on two hands the number of times I have given my wife an orgasm without any expectation of or reciprocation by either of us. I have been more than willing many, many times to just give her an orgasm through oral, manual, or using a vibe on her, and have that be the extent of our activity, but she just isn't very comfortable with being the center of attention, so to speak.

She tells me that most of her friends are like that, too. In fact, many times we started down the path of me giving her an orgasm without me having one, and once she has had her orgasm(s) she has then insisted on either PIV or giving me oral. Who am I to not give her what she wants in that situation?

Anyhoo, at some level I think she feels disconnected from me when her orgasm is the focal point of the activity. Feeling disconnected leads her to being easily distracted, and/or feeling self-conscious. Same goes for her masturbating in front of me, she has done it a few times, and it was super-hot for me, but she doesn't feel completely comfortable with it, I am assuming for the same set of reasons.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MS,
M2 is often not able to O. When she is able to, 15-20 minutes is about how long it takes her. I do not feel annoyed that it takes a long time. I like doing stuff to please her. 

We can't do PIV because she has a painful condition. 







MissScarlett said:


> Backstory - faking orgasms for years, coming clean with H a year ago, trying to learn how this thing works.
> 
> I've identified that H and I are on a 2 month cycle, give or take. One really good month followed by a downslide, followed by a fight, repeat.
> 
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I used to feel the exact same way you do. I don't know if my experience is anything like yours. But for me, the obstacle was not stimulation. It was my pesky grey matter. 

What I am going to say does not address the feeling that your husband does not want to spend time and energy. That is a different kettle of fish.

My question is, can you orgasm and orgasm quickly on your own? I never could. My fingers are just lame, I guess? I wound up with one of these.

http://www.amazon.com/Vibratex-HV-250R-Magic-Wand-Massager/dp/B00005M1WE

For me to practice feeling comfortable with the whole thing when no one else was around. That spoke to the relaxing part. PIV orgasms were literally years later for me. And even now, 15 solid minutes of thrusting is just a total yuck. And even now, when I really want to rock out, I bring out my "massager" during sex. 

Sorry if this ground has been covered. I have not seen others of your posts.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I can orgasm by myself in about 20 minutes, unless I'm already wound up. That is by hand. 

By vibrator under 10 minutes, usually under 5 minutes, but I have a strong electric one, like you linked to, Nobody, and I have been trying to use it very sparingly because after a while I do get desensitized and it makes it much more difficult by any other means. 

If it could just be on me, I think, me getting myself off with him there, I wouldn't have the same issue. I don't ever call quits on myself, of course, if it seems to be taking a long time. 

We tried the WeVibe and I just could not get anything going at all. I think, given a really long period of time, I would have gotten results. I've tried it solo and it took about 40 minutes (longer than my other vibrator or manual.) 

But anyway. 

H doesn't say a lot about my orgasms and I have always put words in his mouth due to his silence. The words I've put in his mouth have always been that it's not worth the time, I'm not worth the trouble, orgasms aren't that important, he doesn't even notice - and so on.

For 18 years I told myself that's what he was thinking. I inferred this from his lack of action. He claims his lack of action was only due to ignorance, not any of the things I stated. 

I just wish I could let go of this time thing. It feels like a wall I won't be able to get over.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

At about the 10 minute point of getting oral I begin to feel self conscious. M2 is really great on this point. She smiles and says relax, I'm having fun with you, there's no hurry.

If she in any way seemed impatient, it would instantly kill my ability to finish. 

I know it's not super sexy to say: sorry it's ummm - taking so long. 

But when your spouse does not O more than half the time, and PIV is off the table, sometimes it's a little awkward.

I've worked hard to create a tone where it's about connecting. And we have a very high touch marriage separate from sex. And we kiss and touch a lot regardless of whether she can get there on any given night. 

Otherwise - for me - initiating would have this subtext that isn't really manageable. Some version of 'do you feel like giving me a bIowjob tonight?'. That just feels - bad. 






MissScarlett said:


> I can orgasm by myself in about 20 minutes, unless I'm already wound up. That is by hand.
> 
> By vibrator under 10 minutes, usually under 5 minutes, but I have a strong electric one, like you linked to, Nobody, and I have been trying to use it very sparingly because after a while I do get desensitized and it makes it much more difficult by any other means.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What are the messages in your head? Recognize them, write them down in pencil. Next rewrite those messages with something positive. If you need help, post the negative ones here and we can all come up with dozens of positive alternatives. Each and every time your mind reaches for the negative, shake it. Shake your head and repeat out loud a positive. This is simple retraining. It sounds silly but it works. Bring your husband in on this too! Show him your list of positive inner messages to replace the negative. When you shake your head you both know it's time to start saying out loud the positives.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I can orgasm by myself in about 20 minutes, unless I'm already wound up. That is by hand.
> 
> By vibrator under 10 minutes, usually under 5 minutes, but I have a strong electric one, like you linked to, Nobody, and I have been trying to use it very sparingly because after a while I do get desensitized and it makes it much more difficult by any other means.


Oh. Well I feel a bit of an idiot. It never occurred to me to care if other means did not work. As long as I had means that did! I never liked manual stimulation. The work distracted from the feelings.



> If it could just be on me, I think, me getting myself off with him there, I wouldn't have the same issue. I don't ever call quits on myself, of course, if it seems to be taking a long time.


Well it is no help. But I understand what you are saying. I felt the same way.

I wonder. I am probably full of it. Could seeking the destination (the O) be getting in the way of the journey? Can you just do whatever and decide minute by minute if it feels good and go with that? I know that has been helpful to me. It certainly takes the long view of things. But might be more enjoyable if not crazy orgasmic at first.



> We tried the WeVibe and I just could not get anything going at all. I think, given a really long period of time, I would have gotten results. I've tried it solo and it took about 40 minutes (longer than my other vibrator or manual.)


What is your address? I am shipping you a Hitachi. I **** you not. 



> But anyway.
> 
> H doesn't say a lot about my orgasms and I have always put words in his mouth due to his silence. The words I've put in his mouth have always been that it's not worth the time, I'm not worth the trouble, orgasms aren't that important, he doesn't even notice - and so on.
> 
> ...


One last thing? Believe him. He didn't know. And probably does not really understand even now. You are not broken. You just have a shell you need to get through. But you have to know it is not his fault.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I feel like you Scarlett, in that I have a difficult time in orgasming. Of course my hubby does not help things when he says, "Gee you didn't cum yet?" Does not help. My hubby had women who were multiorgasmic and made him feel like a stud, that's before I came along. I always felt that something was wrong with me, felt less than. Now, I tend to avoid sex because it is just to much work and it is not enjoyable at all.

I'm going to continue to lurk because I don't have much to say on this topic...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Nobody - you shouldn't say you feel like an idiot! I love my vibrator, it is not a Hitachi but it is electric strong and gets very reliable results. I feel like I can bring the vibrator in - I do on occasion - H is not a toy person, he doesn't find toys a turn on. So that gets a bit awkward and it feels like I'm just more comfortable using it on my own. I could press the issue and he would go with it. It's an option. I'd probably be more comfortable getting myself off by hand with him, but once again, he is not a guy that has this fantasy. If he did we'd be in business!

I love the oral. Really love it. If I don't call it off at 15 minutes - what happens if I never o? At some point doesn't someone have to call it off? 

Manual still needs some work. That one is on me. I continue to procrastinate showing him what I need with that. 

Anon, that is good to notice the messages. At some point they turn from 'damn that feels good' to omg, why isn't it happening? Omg, he's not going to want to do this anymore. How long does a blow job take? I don't know. Think about porn, think about porn! Omg, this isn't happening, this sucks. Maybe 5 more minutes, concentrate!

Techmom, sorry you suffer the same. I think of multi orgasmic women the same way I do marathon runners. I say wow, but couldn't do it myself in a million years.


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

Happyquest said:


> I have always given my wife orgasms and expected nothing in return. I kinda thought that was common for others too. Many times we give each other a orgasm and expect nothing in return. Its nice to have someone give you and orgasm and then allow you to drift off to sleep. This goes both ways in our marriage


 I am gob smacked by this. Good for both of you. I have never experienced this from a man, but I always just figured it was kind of a lady thing to do. I am out of commission when 'the communists take over the playhouse', but I am ready with a bj or hj as needed cause I love my partner. Since men don't have monthly cycles, there wouldn't be occasion for them to give unreciprocated orgasm save for illness or medical issues. It's just one of those things.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Nobody - you shouldn't say you feel like an idiot! I love my vibrator, it is not a Hitachi but it is electric strong and gets very reliable results. I feel like I can bring the vibrator in - I do on occasion - H is not a toy person, he doesn't find toys a turn on. So that gets a bit awkward and it feels like I'm just more comfortable using it on my own. I could press the issue and he would go with it. It's an option. I'd probably be more comfortable getting myself off by hand with him, but once again, he is not a guy that has this fantasy. If he did we'd be in business!


I actually get more turned on when my SO uses her hands on herself during intercourse. Usually, if my hands aren't stimulating her canoe rider, she is.



> I love the oral. Really love it. If I don't call it off at 15 minutes - what happens if I never o? At some point doesn't someone have to call it off?


I could keep pleasuring my SO for a long time...I love giving. She usually makes me stop when she is feeling way too sensitive. If your H loves to give...let him keep at it while you relax and enjoy what you are receiving. Stop thinking about the O, just enjoy what it is you are feeling.
Have you tried soft music for some background noise? If not slow love songs, what about some serenity sounds of running water and gentle music...the kind that puts your mind at ease and possibly used to fall asleep to.



> Manual still needs some work. That one is on me. I continue to procrastinate showing him what I need with that.


This would be an exciter for me...knowing what I could do to help get my SO off!!! What are you waiting for?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess if he is giving you any real cues to being impatient like techmom say's "Gee you didn't cum yet?" than no wonder you are clock watching. 

It does take a while to build up time for both men and women to do oral or even touch comfortably but you should not take that in itself as unwillingness to go longer. 

I do think that from time to time your body may say it wants sex but your mind may say otherwise. Sometimes if you find that you are to distracted by other thoughts maybe you should just call it off and try again tomorrow, but that does not mean that you need to finish him -he can wait also. 

My wife made an interesting remark a several weeks ago. She had a sheepish smile on her face and said something like "I think you like touching me" It was interesting to me because why wouldn't I like taking her to O-land? I have never tried to move on, never questioned the time it takes, etc.. 

I wonder if she views her vagina and orgasm as being erotic in themselves. I think that the knowledge that I actually enjoy giving her pleasure helps her to relax and enjoy it more. It is a confidence issue for you. 

I think part of your husbands job is to make you feel comfortable with him meeting your needs and if he is not doing that than he needs to modify his behavior. Maybe he was just a little to comfortable with the convenience of the past sex life and needs time to make the adjustment. 

Like others have said you need to be aware of negative thoughts like "I'm taking too long" and correct yourself when you have them.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am thinking - because the oral has just started in the past year - that I fear something happening that will make him not want to do it anymore. I.E. being down there forever with no results. At what point will he say - that's enough. I've never given him the chance, because I say it first, because I don't want that to happen (say 45 minutes of oral and no results and the next time he's thinking - I'm not up for that again!) 

On the manual - I suppose I feel like it's never the right time in the moment, I don't want to stop the momentum and make it like school. I tell myself sometime when we're not in the middle of it I will say something and show him, but then I get timid I suppose, just bringing it up when we are watching tv or whatever.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Marriedguy - we were posting at the same time so I didn't see your questions.

Only twice in the past year has he said anything to the effect of things taking too long. And one was the incident 2 weeks ago where he asked for a quickie because he had to get up so early. I think this is my own fear of taking too long. Of course I also have a lot of baggage from the 18 years he made no effort. I came to believe he was repulsed by me, that he could only bear to touch me with his penis and even then just out of his own need to get off. Im finding it is taking a lot of time to start to believe other things - after that long. 

This whole getting off with someone else is a totally new thing to me. Last year I thought - I can get myself off, if someone else replicates that exactly then THEY can get me off. 

I'm finding that is not really the case. It feels different when he does it, even if it's exactly the way I do it. It's not effective. Other things I thought wouldn't do anything ARE effective. If I'm by myself I'm not monitoring my own thoughts. They might drift, I might lose some time, but I don't care because I'm on my own clock. 

With him the panic is causing a short circuit - this has been happening since last year. If I've had some drinks, had some time to think about sex, am warmed up and conditions are good it works better. 

I have not been able to conquer the nooner, spontaneous sex, etc. I am calling it quits before I get too far into it still. (Calling it quits = telling him that's enough, move on to PIV.)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Miss Scarlett, I can't remember if I posted this before... Do you feel desired by your husband! Do you feel like he loves going down on you, love touching you, loves making your squirm and squeal? Do you feel his passion for you, for your hot body and for making you putty in his hands?

Some of this work belongs to you. You have to replace those anxiety provoking thoughts. But some of this work belongs to him. What kinds of things would you like him to do, that would make you forget the anxious thoughts and believe that whatever is happening in the moment is just perfect?

Do you two watch TV together in bed? I have done this to mr pink and he has done it me...

Plop your lady bits on his lap, relax and have him caress and touch and play during the entire TV show, movie, several shows. Maybe a no will happen, maybe not. The point is to enjoy and relax into being touched. For him to relax into touching you and during the commercials, to really focus on what is happening with you. Keep your coconut oil handy...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, loving genital massage (without O as a goal) is a great idea for this couple, Anon.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, loving genital massage (without O as a goal) is a great idea for this couple, Anon.


Woohoo!

I gotta new sig line...

"Sex advice endorsed by FaithfulWife!"


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Do you two watch TV together in bed? I have done this to mr pink and he has done it me...
> 
> Plop your lady bits on his lap, relax and have him caress and touch and play during the entire TV show, movie, several shows. Maybe a no will happen, maybe not. The point is to enjoy and relax into being touched. For him to relax into touching you and during the commercials, to really focus on what is happening with you. Keep your coconut oil handy...


:smthumbup:

This sounds like a great time!

We love to watch movies. If he played with my lady bits during all the hours we watch movies I would be one happy girl. 

I don't know about Scarlett but it would take some of the pressure off of me, and him too I think. He wouldn't be focusing so much on getting me to O, but just playing around. 

Then after the show was over, I'd be practically begging, and already preheated.

I'd be equally as happy if he let me play with him during movies too. Yum. 

I think I'll be suggesting this soon.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> If I've had some drinks, *had some time to think about sex, am warmed up *and conditions are good it works better.


Miss Scarlet, 

How much time does he spend warming you up before anything sexual?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I enjoy doing it to Mr Pink a lot because I really like playing with the package! Before he gets in bed I just say "take those boxers off." When I want a turn, I walk over to his side of the bed, lift up my nightie, spread some coconut oil all around and straddle him. He'll toss a pillow on top of he feet and I lay back and relax.

Highly recommend it!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I enjoy doing it to Mr Pink a lot because I really like playing with the package! Before he gets in bed I just say "take those boxers off." When I want a turn, I walk over to his side of the bed, lift up my nightie, spread some coconut oil all around and straddle him. He'll toss a pillow on top of he feet and I lay back and relax.
> 
> Highly recommend it!


Where's the double like button? :smthumbup:


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Great idea Anon, I could definitely spend a couple hours on my wife. 

The biggest problem would be to go very slow and not be to repetitive as to not wear anything out.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you guys talking about the coconut oil in a jar in the baking aisle of my grocery store? 

I am still having trouble believing he desires me. Even after a year of this stuff I still imagine he's only doing it FOR me, to humor me almost. He doesn't say this but the 18 years before imply it. My drive being higher than his implies it.

Time is short, really, between the initiation and either oral or manual - I'm talking 5 minutes perhaps? When he initiates by surprise my reaction is panic because I've not had time to get in the right frame of mind.

Also keep in in mind that he is gone a lot - at least 3 nights a week.

Having said all that - when we are on the same vibe it's all great and I have no complaints. During those times that are intimate and close I am not thinking about orgasm, nor do I really care about it.

I CAN melt, I CAN feel faint and dizzy, I CAN not care what time it is. Those times do happen when everything falls into place. That is just not overly consistent.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Are you guys talking about the coconut oil in a jar in the baking aisle of my grocery store?
> 
> I am still having trouble believing he desires me. Even after a year of this stuff I still imagine he's only doing it FOR me, to humor me almost. He doesn't say this but the 18 years before imply it. My drive being higher than his implies it.
> 
> ...


Have you told him this?

Have you said you need his help to silence the demons in you head that steal away your confidence in your husbands desire for you?

Mr. pink was blown away when I let him in to see the depth and breadth of my crazy neurotic thoughts. He did his usually denial (no you don't really feel that way) followed by minimizing (everybody feels there is something unappealing about their bodies right? It's not a big thing. You just have to get over it) followed by defensiveness (I do desire you, I can't help it if you're not aware of how much I desire you.) and finally to acceptance ( I need to do better at making you feel loved, desired and cherished)

See if your H has the same reactionary patterns as Mr. pink?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Are you guys talking about the coconut oil in a jar in the baking aisle of my grocery store?
> 
> I am still having trouble believing he desires me. Even after a year of this stuff I still imagine he's only doing it FOR me, to humor me almost. He doesn't say this but the 18 years before imply it. My drive being higher than his implies it.
> 
> ...


 Ummm, that's not going to cut it...No wonder you're having problems O'ing. He REALLY needs to warm you up. Take his time, I'm talking a 1/2 or more here until your back is arching and you're begging him to preform oral on you!

Part of the fun while warming up your wife is torturing her. 

He would benefit by reading a good book on the subject!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Are you guys talking about the coconut oil in a jar in the baking aisle of my grocery store?


My SO likes to use extra virgin olive oil. She rubs it all over my package before going down.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
Positive reinforcement comes in many forms. 

While an O might be the most obvious, a typical man will respond very well to being told:
- That felt incredible or
- You are amazingly good at that

As for your husbands event request for a quickie. I'm sure he would feel bad if he realized the impact it had on you. 

Recently I made a very thoughtless comment to M2. I said something that implied it wasn't very good for me when we had sex and she didn't cum. 

Right as I said it I saw the look on her face. Did the best I could to retract and repair. 

FYI: That whole thing about bringing your woman to O. While I do believe there are times when she can't get out of her own head. I also believe that there are plenty of times that she is 'on the edge', and that she would have cum if I had brought more intensity, more passion to the bed. 

I love sex. But somehow I've gotten less comfortable with raw passion. Partly because it feels foolish to be - edge of losing your mind with desire for someone - who - even though they really love you - they don't feel much heat for you anymore.....





MissScarlett said:


> I am thinking - because the oral has just started in the past year - that I fear something happening that will make him not want to do it anymore. I.E. being down there forever with no results. At what point will he say - that's enough. I've never given him the chance, because I say it first, because I don't want that to happen (say 45 minutes of oral and no results and the next time he's thinking - I'm not up for that again!)
> 
> On the manual - I suppose I feel like it's never the right time in the moment, I don't want to stop the momentum and make it like school. I tell myself sometime when we're not in the middle of it I will say something and show him, but then I get timid I suppose, just bringing it up when we are watching tv or whatever.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Scarlett,
> Positive reinforcement comes in many forms.
> 
> While an O might be the most obvious, a typical man will respond very well to being told:
> ...


Truth


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My H has really come a long way in the past year. We've gone from vanilla same thing every single time to "making love" I would say. Sometimes it is really great. After those times I feel like we are fixed, we're meant to be together, he gets me, etc. 

Those times are getting more frequent, too. 

And yet - (everyone's got a big but, let's talk about your big butt, Simone) I tread carefully because I don't want to give a constant message of he's doing this wrong, he's not doing this enough, I'm not happy. 

The reason I brought up the quickie from a couple of weeks ago is that I was surprised how mad it made me the following week. And I hadn't really realized how much I'm STILL trying to spare him and his feelings from my truth that I am somehow broken. Or that maybe it's him. Or maybe it's us together. 

I try to just let on to my crazy thoughts a little at a time because he seems surprised every single time I bring something like that up. When it comes to sex, how much thought goes into it - we are an iceburg, but he's the part that is above the surface. 

MEM - I know what you mean about the passion and how it feels foolish if you are the only one feeling that. It's rather pointless.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

You are very normal as I read a study where like 67% of women can only orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Yes, some of them can with penetration while stimulating the clit, but either way, you are normal. Porn has made men believe women just cum because they moan during sex. Women feel broken if they don't orgasm like "their husband expects." They say only 30% can orgasm with pure PIV, but I'd say that number is a bit high because women are "ashamed" of the idea of being "broken."

My wife of over 15 years didn't start having orgasms through PIV until this year. For her, the orgasms aren't as intense, are absolutely NOT like clitorial (finger, tongue, vibrator), but her body does tense up and her insides clench very slowly. She says physically she feels like her body does the same thing, but unlike clitorial, there is no huge end all climax that knocks her into another realm. It's a calm storm and when she has it she will just lay there and ask me to move slow and deep as it's just a totally different feeling. Hitting the back seems to stimulate this reaction. She says she has had the feeling in the past but just didn't know it was a different type of orgasm, or maybe I was too aggressive or rough (rather than slow long strokes), or she wasn't in tune with her body to understand her cervix was still spasming inside her, just like when she orgasms through clitorial.

Does it take you 20 minutes even with a wand/vibrator? My wife and I can have "quickies" together. Does he absolutely understand that you also have a physical need, like him, and if he orgasms you also want to orgasm? I agree he may be a selfish lover because if my wife speaks up and says she wants to orgasm, no matter what, I will make sure she gets her physical need met. She always meets mine, no matter what time she has to get up the next day. However, if she doesn't speak up or says something like, "Uh, maybe next time, I don't need it that bad I guess." You know, something extremely passive. I do not push the issue. It's her body, her needs, and she needs to communicate to me to get her needs met. If she is unsure about an orgasm, that means yes, it may be 2 hours before she has one, so I am not going to just go for it and eat her out for 2 hours because she is "unsure" if she wants one. 

That's important in my opinion.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
You really have done an amazing job of turning things around. 

You ought take a bow. This isn't easy. 



MissScarlett said:


> My H has really come a long way in the past year. We've gone from vanilla same thing every single time to "making love" I would say. Sometimes it is really great. After those times I feel like we are fixed, we're meant to be together, he gets me, etc.
> 
> Those times are getting more frequent, too.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tech mom,
I just wince when I read this. I remember Patty like it was yesterday. Went back to her place on our second date. I slid down on her a pulled off a - hat trick. 

Patty was hot and she was fun. And yep - she was multi O. 

I wouldn't trade M2 for 3 Patties. 

Fvck being patient. In the spectrum of patient - I break the meter. M2 just cannot - get there most nights. 

So - your H shouldn't make you feel bad for being slow. 

UOTE=techmom;7823322]I feel like you Scarlett, in that I have a difficult time in orgasming. Of course my hubby does not help things when he says, "Gee you didn't cum yet?" Does not help. My hubby had women who were multiorgasmic and made him feel like a stud, that's before I came along. I always felt that something was wrong with me, felt less than. Now, I tend to avoid sex because it is just to much work and it is not enjoyable at all.

I'm going to continue to lurk because I don't have much to say on this topic...[/QUOTE]


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> The reason I brought up the quickie from a couple of weeks ago is that I was surprised how mad it made me the following week. And I hadn't really realized how much I'm STILL trying to spare him and his feelings from my truth that I am somehow broken. Or that maybe it's him. Or maybe it's us together.


I hate to say this, but in regards to his quickie request, I feel like you overreacted. I dont think that he was out of line to ask for this. It can be hot and a real turn on to let your partner just be selfish now and then and "use"' your body to get a quick release. It sounds like he has been very attentive, accommodating and willing to take the time and meet your needs since you came out with your issue, and was asking you for the same with the quickie. By allowing him that little bit of selfishness, it may help him continue to be supportive of you. 

I agree with covering up that damn clock, too! Stop timing things. If he gets tired giving you oral, then I am sure he will let you know. I dont think I have ever gotten upset with my partner for wanting to stop, I take a LONG time to get off by oral, and I totally get it when his neck and shoulders have had enough! Same is true when I am the one giving oral, I am willing to hang in there for a really long time to try and get my partner off, I have never had a partner who was able to get off quickly from oral! 45 minutes isnt unheard of for me to stick with it before finally giving up, I mean sometimes it just doesnt happen no matter how awesome you are at giving! 

You need to get out of your own head!  I commend you both though for the communication and the effort on both sides.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

3x - I feel I overreacted as well. What I did went against the agreement we worked out in January - being that we were both free to.ask each other for what we needed. 

I realize this was a trigger of my own fear and belief that I'm not worth the time and effort to get off. I make it easy on him to my own detriment - and the implication that even my shortened version of events was too tedious...

But again I realize this is all a game I play in my own head - it wasn't him this time.

45 minutes - wow! You go, girl.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It's not the alarm clock. It's what it means. It's the inner voice being an awful b!tch, telling you that you are unworthy of the time and effort, telling you that you're somehow broken because you don't go off in 2 minutes!
> 
> You have to boil fudge for 7 minutes. That's 7 straight minutes of hot bubbling sugar, butter and cream, stirring constantly! I love fudge as does my family, and friends and neighbors. That doesn't count the 30 minutes to stir and slowly bring the temp up.
> 
> ...


My ex wife never had an issue, but I dated a woman or 2 who, if after 15 minutes of oral she did NOT climax, she started getting antsy, worried, thinking too much...which of course killed it

I told them the truth "look, I LOVE going down, 15 minutes aint nothing but a warm up, id stay there an hour if you can stand the sensation" and it got better...

I cant for the LIFE of me understand why a man would not go down on a woman, or touch her, to give her an un-returned big O...tit for tat...a wife shouldnt have a problem with a blow job either, nothing in return...honestly the idea of my wife, a business woman, asking me to eat her before work just so SHE can get off, and then off she goes giving me nothing more than a simple "thanks hon, that hit the spot" REALLY REALLY turns me on...

a woman who treats her sexuality the same way a man does, with little or no inhibiotion or hang ups, feeds the hunger and can be selfish about it, is awesome...so much better than keeping her man completely in the dark!!


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> That WAS pure bull**** - but he doesn't usually act like that, especially not since January. In our follow up conversations he stated he doesn't mind taking the time, doesn't clock watch, doesn't feel resentful.
> 
> He has tried to give me an unreturned orgasm - it's me that can't go through with it. I will take the orgasm of course (or close to it) but can't let it go after that.
> 
> ...


You need to learn to relax and not worry about watching the clock while you make love. It is creating a mental block which makes it harder for you to have an orgasm. Also, maybe you don't feel emotionally safe with your husband because he never cared if you got off or not in the past. Sexual satisfaction is intimately linked with emotional intimacy, especially for most women. 

If your husband wants you to lie back and enjoy pleasure, take it as a sign that things have improved greatly. Try to accept his loving desires. Sometimes my husband likes to ambush me with oral or breast play. It is a little bit scary at first because I am not expecting it and his desire is so consuming. However, I am training myself to not be scared of surprise pleasures. There is nothing to be afraid of.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It's funny, because reading the first post, I started thinking that I'd almost prefer it if my wife were like you! (of course I wouldn't trade her for anything!)

But in terms of how long it takes to O, she's quick and easy, and it presents no challenge to me, as dumb as that sounds. I like to please, and I'd be down there doing my thing for a lot longer, if I had my way, but it's over in a minute, then I have to stay away for a bit until I can go again, and so on. By the 3rd or 4th, she's had enough, and I'm not "allowed" down there again, only PIV. By that point she's "done", and the rest is for my benefit. Yes, I could give her one, then do my thing, but then the whole deal would be over in 5 or 10 minutes 

I'm certainly NOT complaining! But I do think from time to time that it'd be nice to have the challenge, and be able to do my thing for longer, as it's something I genuinely enjoy. Then when she gets there, it's an accomplishment.

It's funny, because if men are too quick, they failed. But the opposite isn't true, is it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

The opposite is totally true, I think! Women are paranoid about taking too long and men are paranocd about not lasting long enough.

I do realize this is mostly a problem of mine that I'm trying to push through.

My husband has never said he doesn't mind how long it takes. For 18 years I got no oral or manual stimulation. He didn't seem concerned if I was having o or not. The first 8 years I never faked, was never overenthusiastic at all and he never asked or seemed to care if I was or wasn't.

So I think it's obvious how this situation evolved. I'm getting mine now because I stood up and demanded it - he's trying, he says he is sorry, etc. However, this is not a case of this developing because it is important to HIM. He is not like a lot of men on this board who love oral and love to get their ladies off.

He is changing, I am changing, but hopefully you guys can see how this evolved. It's not like most situations we see on this board.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> So I think it's obvious how this situation evolved. I'm getting mine now because I stood up and demanded it - he's trying, he says he is sorry, etc. However, this is not a case of this developing because it is important to HIM. He is not like a lot of men on this board who love oral and love to get their ladies off.


I think this is what bothers me most about my own situation.

I know he is doing it because I demanded it. In the back of my mind I know it isn't because it is important to him. It saddens to think my husband will never be a giver, or will never love oral, or be genuinely enthusiastic about getting me off. 

No matter how much we improve, no matter how much we change. The fact still is it wasn't because he cared or he wanted to. It is because I MADE him.

I know where your coming from.  It hurts.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

True. 

There is a difference between someone having the urge to get you off and someone that is doing it because it is important to you. 

In the cases of sexual mismatch that is the best case scenario, that your partner will try to raise the level because it is important to you. 

I was reminded of this again last night. Friday night, great drunken sex. All Saturday I daydream of a repeat. H goes up to bed, I follow 15 min later and he is asleep. I know I can wake him up and he will have sex with me. But it's totally not the same thing as HIM also daydreaming about a repeat and us going at each other when we get behind a closed door. 

It's 10x harder to overcome orgasm issues in this scenario. He's become very good at oral. He does not complain about giving oral. He goes down on me without being asked. 

However, it will never be the same thing as when I go down on him because I really want to. Therefore it's extremely difficult for this mental practice to endure to the point of orgasm. 

I go between feeling this is enough to grieving what I won't have, a partner who matches my passion level. 

Everything else I have in this marriage, though. And when your partner gives you their best effort that is an act of kindness and love. And that's what you get, that is the best case scenario, I think especially at our age (mid 40's.) The sex is much better now than in our 20's and our 30's, but I don't know that it's ever going to ring the bell.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> True.
> 
> There is a difference between someone having the urge to get you off and someone that is doing it because it is important to you.
> 
> ...


soory to say but will you please send my wife some water.....


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Miss S, you keep saying that your h didn't care that you didn't O for years. But maybe it's not that he's uncaring but rather that he has limited sexual imagination. 

My kids were joking about how our cat hates my h because he pets it too rough. And, I thought, yep he's a bit rough on my clit, too (not that I said that to my kids, lol.). But some people don't have that magic "touch" naturally and need more instruction. H is my only partner, so I have no one to compare, but I figure he doesn't live in my body. It's not his fault he doesn't know what my sensations are. I also don't O quickly or easily with him. I have decided that it's my responsibility to get there - if I'm in the mood. 

Sometimes I decide I'd have more fun focusing on his fun and not working on getting myself there. Too much effort. Other times I'm all in. I'd hate to think that the quality of our sex life depends on me getting the big O. My body just doesn't always want to go there.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Miss Scarlett. Can you pm me and I will tell you what worked for my wife. She had the exact same issue until we figured out how to fix it. I dont want to post on the board because there is some personal information about my wife I dont feel comfortable with posting and I need to ask you a couple questions. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

He does have limited sexual imagination - but he did literally say it didn't matter to him if I had an orgasm. He said if it's important to you I will make it important to me. But if you had some medical issue where you couldn't have them anymore I'd say "eh". 

This was during our only screaming fight about sex and I wanted to punch him in the face and he cut his business trip 2 days short to come home and work this out because it was that upsetting.

I can have orgasms. I'm 44, I'm fighting a mental issue believing that:
1) I deserve an orgasm
2) I'm worth the time to give me one 
3) I continually shield his feelings because i want sex to be fun, if it's turning into not fun I will always sacrifice my orgasm 
4) all of the above with a husband who does not complain about it and knows I deserve them too, but will never encourage me to keep on going so I can have one.

I have a feeling that nothing is going to help unless / until I'm able to get a lot more selfish. If I were with a man who encouraged me to have an orgasm I don't think I'd be having this problem.

If that makes sense. He does not discourage orgasm. He is not negative about it. He is neutral, though. I could have gone the rest of our marriage without this being a concern to him. I brought it to his attention, he amended his ways. It's as close as it's going to get for me without starting over with a new partner.

Also, I am not expecting to have one every time. However, my issue is that I can't let myself get far enough down the line to have one. This has been a problem the whole past year, I can't mentally stay in the game.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Jamestone - I will have to message you when I get to my main computer. I turned my messages off for a bit because I was getting creepy emails from lurkers.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Jamestone - I will have to message you when I get to my main computer. I turned my messages off for a bit because I was getting creepy emails from lurkers.




Haha. You get those too? LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You don't have to read back, I have started quite a few threads over the year.

We have been married 18 years. I started faking in year 8. Before that point I never faked or suggested in was enjoying it more than I was.

I thought we were going to get divorced in year 7. We lived in 4 states that year. I had two young children, was in poor health with surgeries and DH was less emotionally available. This year ended in him being suddenly laid off and unemployed for 6 months. I thought in was going to have to leave for my children and myself.

However, things came together. He found a good job, we moved to a great city, I joined weight watchers and lost 20 pounds. My health improved, my children started sleeping through the night, etc. 

It was a new start for us, we had good times. Lots of going out and drinking martinis and having sex. The first time I faked it was not planned as such but I wanted him to feel wanted and feel like he could do it. Then I found myself in a situation where I felt I had to keep doing it.

The irony was that as much effort as I put into faking - my DH didn't know what was going on anyway. He recently told me he never knew if i was having them or not and we never talked about it. 

I guess that is the real bottom line. I don't believe he enjoys giving me orgasms, when he does. I don't believe it does anything for him other than make him not feel guilty for acting like a selfish ass for so long.

(Lightbulb)

But this is not based on anything he has said. This is based on an 18 year belief from him never taking action to help me out.

All the years of faking, btw, were faking PIV.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
All spousal Partners have at least a few bizarre quirks. Why does your H not care if you have an O? 

He isn't generally selfish is he? 

For M2, it's not the friction of body parts. It's the clash of wills 
That revs her engine. So I generate some level of conflict, and give her some level of edge during foreplay. And then it is what it is. 





MissScarlett said:


> You don't have to read back, I have started quite a few threads over the year.
> 
> We have been married 18 years. I started faking in year 8. Before that point I never faked or suggested in was enjoying it more than I was.
> 
> ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I do plan to bring up this subject this weekend. It is getting easier to bring things up and we are talking about sex a lot more. He is presently out of town, though.

Why do I believe he doesn't enjoy giving me an orgasm - because he never showed any interest in giving me one. Because he does not encourage me to have one now. 

He does not discourage it but he is definitely not like the guys here that take a vested interest. He knows it's fair that I get a shot too, but obviously I'm still having issues believing this goes past him knowing that.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Upon further thought - I'm not sure I can talk to him about this.

What if he confirms my fear that he really doesn't care if I get orgasms or not? What if he says if I stopped expecting it he'd never bring it up again?

Is it a divorceable offense when a good spouse is having regular sex with you and is giving you oral and manual without being asked and is doing that before they get theirs but they are thinking ho-hum the whole time? 

I might never be able to have an orgasm with him again if he said something like that. Is that divorceable? 

Miss Scarlett wishes she was a man....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I believe at one time you had the number of a sex therapist in your hand...??

Don't even think the D word unless you've exhausted all possible ways out of this and toward what you want.

He may not care about your O, that is true. But he may be able to change and then care. I have seen my husband's values change in huge ways - ways I really never thought he could change in. Not sex things but other things I needed him to realize the importance of...which at one time he would have scoffed at.

But over enough time of making it clear to him that I really needed him to re-examine what he values, he did eventually do it and now...he can see and value things he did not before.

Your H may not value your O right now, for many reasons but most likely simply because he isn't that sexual (as compared to you). But he can get to where he does value it by behaving more sexually...which you will have to do also. Even more brave than you are being right now, you will have to become even more expressive, open, ready, willing and able...to do whatever it takes to move past your own blocks.

Your piece in this is that you have a long way to go to remove your blocks, which you already know. But before he will value your O, you will have to make some progress on that.

So ... sex therapist?

You need a plan and an expert. The two of you can do the rest.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Upon further thought - I'm not sure I can talk to him about this.
> 
> What if he confirms my fear that he really doesn't care if I get orgasms or not? What if he says if I stopped expecting it he'd never bring it up again?
> 
> ...



Avoiding the conversation because of fears about what he MIGHT say will leave you in exactly the same frame of mind as if he confirmed what you fear. Have the conversation.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You are both right.

I suppose I resist the sex therapist so much because DH has come so far and is trying. I hate to make it look like nope - it's still broken, buddy. I'm still broken anyway. We can talk about things much more than we did, but I am still trying to hide the broken part. I feel it's unattractive and does not help anything.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Those are the things you need to pour out in front of a ST with your H. Those are honest thoughts and feelings you have inside of you which HOLD YOU BACK. That's exactly why you need to say them to him with help and guidance.

Just reframe "why" you are going to counseling in your own mind.

It isn't to save you from divorce.

It is to mutually create the exact environment YOU need to get through your blocks and HE needs to value your O's a bit more. You need to build that environment together as a loving team effort. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom it can be "yay, we get to go to Sex School together!"

Change your attitude about counseling, and it will be able to help you. 

And I have to say this...

You've said he loves your boobs/is a boob man.

Do you have a good relationship with your breasts and sexual activity? Do you let him have access to your boobs, and does he want that? Does he express lust for them, or just "big like"? Does he have good skills in handling them?

I'm asking because your breasts are related to his preferred way of O, and so it is relevant on many levels.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
I'm gritting my teeth right now. Humor me for a moment. 

The reason I said that partners have bizarre quirks is because I am painfully familiar with said oddities. 

M2 is a world class lover. AND when it comes to money, she is often a raging, selfish bltch. No idea why. We have worked around it. Actually I have worked around it. 

It really is ok to ask him if he'd be ok if you were indifferent to his orgasm. Cause I can guaran-fvckin-tee that he wouldn't be. But who cares what I think. Ask him. 




MissScarlett said:


> Upon further thought - I'm not sure I can talk to him about this.
> 
> What if he confirms my fear that he really doesn't care if I get orgasms or not? What if he says if I stopped expecting it he'd never bring it up again?
> 
> ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You've said he loves your boobs/is a boob man.
> 
> Do you have a good relationship with your breasts and sexual activity? Do you let him have access to your boobs, and does he want that? Does he express lust for them, or just "big like"? Does he have good skills in handling them?
> 
> I'm asking because your breasts are related to his preferred way of O, and so it is relevant on many levels.


Thankfully yes, the breast play is all good. I have a good relationship with my breasts (when I was younger I did not, but I love them and treat them well now and wear pretty bras that match my undies and do really like them.) He has full access to my breasts, when he is home he touches them several times per day and asks to see them. He expresses lust for them and has good skills at handling them. I'm not sure what he does but there is a direct line from them to the genitals.

He's also a very good kisser, has always been. If he kisses the back of my neck I break out in goosebumps all the way down to my ankles.

To further illustrate the size of my mental block here - I've been thinking for months if I could ask him to do the exact same thing with my clitoris that he does with my nipples I think it would be very effective.

I CANNOT ASK HIM. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I have several ideas in mind for manual stimulation I CANNOT ASK HIM AND DO NOT KNOW WHY. 

I am so frustrated with myself! 

But thankfully the breast thing is good and sometimes before bed I will just ask him to play with them for a while and he does and it's very nice. 

I have some kind of major 15 car pile-up below the waist but at least it doesn't affect my entire body.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Scarlett,
> I'm gritting my teeth right now. Humor me for a moment.
> 
> The reason I said that partners have bizarre quirks is because I am painfully familiar with said oddities.
> ...


Thank you MEM,

I have an opportunity this weekend. DH and I will have the house to ourselves for 24 hours. I am challenging myself to get some of this out with this opportunity. I need to be brave.

I wish I could pinpoint what is causing this mental blockage. I know - sex therapy. I know.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

You can do it!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Scarlett...sometimes we are subconsciously clinging to the very things we say we want to rid ourselves of, and this is why we put off going to counseling.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

MissScarlett, Just wanted to point out a few things that I hope are helpful. You talked about being sexually responsive above the belt....that you get goose bumps from him kissing your back or neck and that you love him handling your girls. It also tells me that he IS doing something to turn you on. He is trying some! So those are all great signs. 

But, I think you have built up some resentment towards him that is blocking/interfering your ability to orgasm.

And here is the deal....what is keeping him from giving you orgasms may not be all his fault!!!! It is obvious that you have an inability to express to him what YOU want. You have shared that this is a major hang up for you. So the natural question would be, how would he know what YOU want if you have never told him? Communication seems like it may be a huge issue keeping you from enjoying the things you very much desire. 

Do you think you could write out what you would like to have him do to you? Make it steamy and sexy and detailed. And make a special evening, candles or whatever....and have him read it out loud to you? 

Some people that have a hard time expressing themselves verbally can compensate by writing.

Who knows....it may just light his fire to hear you tell him what you want done!!!!

At any rate.....I think resentment on your part...may be a hindrance for you. And it may help you lose some of the resentment if you see that If you have been unwilling/unable to share your desires, then you own some responsibility for your lack of fulfillment.

And then the next step....try to communicate in a letter....and see if that helps break the ice.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You are right, Faithful. As usual!

I keep wanting him to take responsibility for my problem because I don't want to have to take responsibility and get to the bottom of what is causing this issue. 

Last year in therapy we started at the beginning of my life and discussed in detail every memory, message, image that had to do with me, my vulva, my vagina (I guess we didn't discuss my clitoris so much but the rest of me got more play than my clitoris.) It was sickening and painful. I had a flat out panic attack after the first week we did this, and we'd only gotten half through it! It provided enough release for me to get past the initial blocker but must not have hit on the actual cause.

Probably the solution is something quite minor but I am still clinging to it, you are right.  I hide behind it, having no idea why I do.

Kidding - your post came in while I was responding to the other. You are right as well. Although the male lead in romance novels know what their ladies like more than the ladies do - this isn't realistic. He doesn't know because I haven't told him and I can wish all day he would just start doing it, but it's not going to happen. 

I am just finishing up my new bedroom and love it sooo much. I really love how it turned out and did most of it "design on a dime" style, made the curtains, painted the whole damned thing myself. It needs to be a catalyst for me to take the next step because I wanted a new start and wanted to leave all the bull**** in the old bedroom. It's just symbolic of a new start, of course new paint doesn't actually have magical qualities if you can't back it up.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
There are times when third party self reference is perfect. The bit below - it's perfect. Are you this dead funny IRL?

But I totally get this. 

It's very rare, but I have lots of trouble if I get the sense that M2 is indifferent. Or worse, that she's thinking 'oh bother', like Winnie the Pooh when his honey jar is empty. 




MissScarlett said:


> Upon further thought - I'm not sure I can talk to him about this.
> 
> What if he confirms my fear that he really doesn't care if I get orgasms or not? What if he says if I stopped expecting it he'd never bring it up again?
> 
> ...


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

MS, it might be helpful for you to seek individual MC/ST for yourself at first (tell your H you want to work on some of your issues), and when the time is right, perhaps invite your H to join you in the MC/ST sessions.

My wife and I went through this process a few years ago, and it helped immensely. I was the one who suggested it, she resisted, but eventually she acquiesced and found it to be very beneficial.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Scarlett, have not seen your pm yet. Dont forget. LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,

Humor me for a moment - as I've given this some more thought. 

He has been making more effort. Definitely making a good faith effort. 

Start your conversation with that. Compliment him on being more focused and skilled at pleasing you. 

As for oral sex. You could use one of his nipples to show him exactly what you want him to do to you. 





MissScarlett said:


> You are right, Faithful. As usual!
> 
> I keep wanting him to take responsibility for my problem because I don't want to have to take responsibility and get to the bottom of what is causing this issue.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One more thing:

If it was me, for now I would stick to:
- the physical mechanics of what you want from him
- giving him consistently positive feedback when he is making the effort to please you

All husbands value positive feedback/admiration from their wives. Over time, he will begin to associate your pleasure with that type feedback. 

Focusing on how he feels - at this stage of the process - might cause you unhappiness for no good reason. 






MissScarlett said:


> You are right, Faithful. As usual!
> 
> I keep wanting him to take responsibility for my problem because I don't want to have to take responsibility and get to the bottom of what is causing this issue.
> 
> ...


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

MS - Your not alone in this. 

I truly believe a lot of woman fake and lie about having orgasms because we don't want to let our partner down & or we get tired and want to just finish.

I believe most woman have the same issues of feeling broken or what's wrong with me, why cant I do this, it feels good?

I would bet most of us have lied to our girlfriends and said, "we can get off fast or at all and of course they say they can to and we never considered that they have the same issues and are trying to save face.

If I use a vibrator (strong one) I can have one in as quick as 2 minutes. I stopped using one about 2.5 years ago, so I could get my sensitivity back. 

This has worked but it still can take DH 20 minutes or more to get me off, If I start to think to much or how long its taking, it will never happen as I get in my own head.

I will be 46 soon and my body is starting to change again, I don't know if I'm just starting to let go or what, but I started to get the G-spot orgasms, My husband has taken a big interest in my pleasure and I truly believe that has helped in this. 

I also found what position works for me to achieve this. 

Now that I have had these, I worry I wont get it the next time and that messes with my head.

I think woman just worry to much, we are typically concerned with everyone else's feelings weather they are our husband, child, friend or stranger and we find it hard to put our needs first.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes. I will share a secret. Women who are dealing with this kind of issue can instruct, teach, train and yell at their partners all they want. This issue 98% of the time has nothing to do with their partners skills. So no training or improvements from them will solve your problems. I have seen this before and seen it corrected more than once. Remember one thing, most guys are stimulated by feel, most women are by their thoughts and emotions. 

You are not alone learning to love and it can be fixed. So dont just give up or get over frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Here's something strange that happened this weekend. DH and I had the house to ourselves, kids being overnight elsewhere.

We had a pretty early dinner and some drinks, the main activities for the evening being sex. 

Never before has there been as much foreplay, I believe we were at it around 90 minutes and I was able to go past the 30 min Mark with oral not being concerned about how long it was taking - I was going for it!

(On the time, I was not watching the clock. I'm estimating times by noticing what time it was Afterwards, how many songs played etc, none of which I was concerned about in the moment.)

Everything felt great, he was doing everything right. Never felt close. He was a trooper, he kept with it till I said enough of that and got down to business.

After he fell asleep I intended to finish the job more out of curiosity how far out I was. It was probably 10-15 more minutes and very, very weak - which was surprising given the circumstances.

Anyway. Just wondering if anyone had some feedback on what might have happened? Conditions were perfect and I was not at all preoccupied with time or being concerned about what he was thinking.

I'm not upset, really. I had a great time with DH and it was a great evening as well as the 90 min of making out and sex. Not upset but am wondering what might have happened, and what's with the weak orgasm after all of that.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

In theory - just now seeing your post, thanks for the feedback. I started this out feeling very abnormal and broken for how long it would take to orgasm, however with research and talking to other women I have come (lol) to the conclusion that I fall within the average. Regardless I guess that is what it is, it's always taken that long on average in my 25 years of having orgasms. (I feel the need to add that time is much shorter with a vibrator, but I very sparingly use that at this time while trying to work on the other. The 15-20 min or whatever timeframe I gave is manual stimulation.)

However, I do agree that some work can be done on focusing, certainly if I can improve my chances I should - there is plenty I can't change about this but mental habits and patterns can be changed.

I'm a porn watching, smut reading (both on occasion) agnostic, although definitely raised straight laced, but I don't think that particular part of my life is affecting me at present.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M2 was perfect tonight. I was barely able to get there. 

We had a great day together. 

Desire levels fluctuate. Accept it as I do. 




MissScarlett said:


> Here's something strange that happened this weekend. DH and I had the house to ourselves, kids being overnight elsewhere.
> 
> We had a pretty early dinner and some drinks, the main activities for the evening being sex.
> 
> ...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Sometimes no matter what the situation, or the foreplay it might take me a long time too, or like you after all that I will have a really weak one.

I blame it on hormones. It doesn't really seem to have anything to do with the situation or environment, it's just out of my control. 

I'm glad you had a good time anyway.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

O's aren't really my goal in sex. The sexy foreplay and kissing, mashing, dress up...those are much more fun to me than O's.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'll have to read your threads in more detail, but I applaud you for making the effort to fix the issues going on with your intimacy instead of continuing down the path of faking. I'm pulling for you two to find the solution to better quality intimacy. Having a house all to yourself must have been AWESOME!!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> O's aren't really my goal in sex. The sexy foreplay and kissing, mashing, dress up...those are much more fun to me than O's.


Agreed on this point - and the intimacy in my marriage has improved vastly over this time last year and is still making progress, I believe. 

It seems usually - I get a stab of fear/panic when things start heating up. Can I/ will I/ does he want to/ is he expecting me to/ am I hurting his feelings.

The fear is what causes me to take a pass before things get serious. 

I suppose this past weekend showed me that it's still not a sure thing, even in the absence of the fear. The fear has to go, though, that's not cool. It might be your average performance anxiety or it could be more sinister, but that is a point that needs to be overcome. (LOL at all my "come" jokes in this thread.) 

Also, I suppose, very glad that DH is not hung up on me getting there - it would have turned a lovely evening into hurt feelings and feelings of failure. I guess his nonchalant attitude is both a positive and a negative in my set of circumstances.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Please don't forget that some counseling will still help you both.


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