# How to cope with No love, care, intimacy, Respect, sex



## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I am starting this thread to discuss the problems I'm facing in my
Life.
Me-27 W-26 married for 3 years.
Issues:
Raising voice just over a disagreement.
No respect.
Calling names.
Scratching with finger nails.
Hitting hard.
Always picking fight.
Never accepted my point of view.
Everything should be done by her way otherwise will be upset all day and will fight on very next thing.
Never shows any care or intimacy.
Fight even if I m ill.
Always rejecting my approach for sex.
I can feel that she is having sex with me like a duty or away to get her things done.
Never had sex with love and intimacy.
Notes: I won't divorce her because I love her very much.
My state: 
I'm disappointed with My Life.
Getting frustrated.
No happiness.
Days end up with drinks.
Loosing love towards her.
Not feeling to spend time in home.on weekends.
Feeling alone and Scared that I won't get any physical or mental support from her in future.

Please suggest how to cope with my life.
Appreciate your advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, I'd love to hear HER side of the story. Things are rarely as one-sided as they first appear. 

Second, have things always been like this?

Finally, if you want things to change, you're going to have to be willing to lay out boundaries and then enforce them. That may mean telling her that going to marriage counselling is required if you're going to stay in the marriage. That's what I'd recommend as a starting point. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I also don't see this as a sex issue, yet. You guys have so many other issues going on that of course sex is an issue. Fix the other things, and the sex is likely to get much better as a result. 

Btw, how long did you date before getting married? Any kids yet? Did the same problems exist before getting married, or are they recent issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If you aren't willing to at least consider a divorce, then I'm not really sure how much you're going to be able to change the dynamic of your marriage. The two of you clearly have massive issues, well beyond sex alone.

Also, you say you love her so much. I guess I would really wonder why. Why do you love a woman who treats you this way? If it's really as terrible and one-sided as you describe, then you need to be in therapy asap to get to the bottom of what's going on with you that you imagine this is love.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

PBear said:


> I also don't see this as a sex issue, yet. You guys have so many other issues going on that of course sex is an issue. Fix the other things, and the sex is likely to get much better as a result.
> Well, she has work from home option. From past one year almost all week days she used to
> Come home and would start working till late night.
> Many days I had to order food from outside/ or I had to cook.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

PBear said:


> First off, I'd love to hear HER side of the story. Things are rarely as one-sided as they first appear.
> 
> Second, have things always been like this?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

As I am not able to provide an overview of my life, I request you to ask questions and I will answer.
Then we will break down issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

physical attacks are where everyone should draw the line...

any kids? if no, I don't see why you'd want to stay, unless she has some diagnosed mental illness that she's willing to actively seek treatment for


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you live in the United States, domestic assault is against the law and if she has hit or scratched you more than once, it's probably because she wasn't arrested the first time. That's probably because you didn't call the police to come arrest her. 
Take a look at your list and remove all the behaviors you refused to tolerate. Your list vanishes. She behaves badly because you haven't set boundaries. Because you claim to "love" her, you are willing to tolerate her abuse and neglect. She has no reason to change because you will tolerate her present behavior and probably much worse. 
You train others how to treat you. If you put up with her screaming and name calling, you are consenting to the behavior. Set firm boundaries she clearly understands and abide by them. If she screams or cusses you, walk out. Quit medicating yourself with alcohol to help you deal with an unacceptable environment. Fix the environment. If you are sober at all hours, you are completely in control of your actions at all hours. You can leave the house at 2:00am if that's when her B.S. starts. 
Most women marry for security. There's no security for a woman in marrying a weak man. A man who can be run around, bossed around, and beat on by a woman looks weak to a woman. A man who can't cope with life without alcohol looks weak. A jellyfish has no control over his destination but most ride the current. You are a man and you decide how you will live and how you will be treated. Love yourself enough to demand decent treatment and treat others in the way you expect to be treated. If she can't treat you decently, toss her to the curb. Doesn't matter if she's the most beautiful woman on earth, with legs that go for miles and hooties the size of watermelons. If she can't treat you with the civility and respect that you should demand for yourself, her butt hits the road. Trust me, there are billions more where she came from and it's better to live alone in a cardboard box under an interstate overpass than to live in a world where you aren't respected as an adult human being. Be a man who deserves to be respected and then demand to be respected.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

What were the things that made you marry her in the first place.

List the good things about her (or the good things when you were first married).

What has changed in the last three years. Is it progressive or sudden?

Were there serious life circumstances that changed your marriage?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't love her. And if you do, you shouldn't. Do you respect her? Do you admire her? Are you happy that she is in your life? If the answer to these questions is no, then you don't love her.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

If she knows that you won't ever leave, why should she need to change anything at all?

Like it was mentioned, this is not a sex issues. The sex is a indication of what is going on in the rest of the relationship - and from what you described - its not good at all.

Take the time to really think about your situation and what you are willing to live with and what you need to change about yourself first.

Good luck with things.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

PBear said:


> First off, I'd love to hear HER side of the story. Things are rarely as one-sided as they first appear.
> 
> Second, have things always been like this?
> 
> ...


I really like what you say about boundaries ... but "enforce" them. How do you do that with an unwilling partner? You could tell her your expectations but she would probably say "hey, f off pal". I'm practically in this same situation myself and have been there for all long time. There's really nothing I can do. She's not willing to do anything different and won't treat the marriage like a marriage and there in nothing to "make" her do that. She can always divorce and cash in, and there's nothing to stop her from doing that.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Need advise on setting up boundaries.
1. I can go out of the house if she starts hurting me / or arguments are in high voice.
But I don't know whether she will open the door when I'm back. And I m not interested to make a scene in front of my neighbours.
2. Most of the fights starts when I'm trying for sex (I never came across a situation that she interested/initiated in sex), should I not initiate or ask for sex anymore??
She will be happy if I stop trying for sex And my life will be sexless ( I tried stop asking, it went for 2 months-at last I had a discussion then we had sex for twice in a week then again she changed back to her original behaviour.
3. I spend my time either in office or in home (in weekends), shopping/outing are with her only. Should I go out with friends?? (She did not like if I go out without her and used to have fights if I came late even by 30 from the expected time)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I really like what you say about boundaries ... but "enforce" them. How do you do that with an unwilling partner? You could tell her your expectations but she would probably say "hey, f off pal". I'm practically in this same situation myself and have been there for all long time. There's really nothing I can do. She's not willing to do anything different and won't treat the marriage like a marriage and there in nothing to "make" her do that. She can always divorce and cash in, and there's nothing to stop her from doing that.


A "boundary" that you try to make your spouse respect isn't a boundary, it's just you trying to control your spouse. A real boundary is for you. It deals with what you will and will not tolerate in your life. Since the only person you can control is you, the only person you can set boundaries for is yourself. And enforcing your own boundaries means you take action, not your spouse. 

For example: "You can't do X anymore!" is not a boundary, it's an attempt to control your spouse's behavior. "I will not remain in a relationship with a spouse who does X" is a boundary. Your spouse may still choose whether or not to do X. But if that's your stated boundary, you then enforce it by leaving the relationship if X occurs. 

You can't control anyone but yourself.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> How to cope with No love, care, intimacy, Respect, sex


Divorce worked well for me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're not willing to enforce your boundaries, you're better off not voicing them in the first place. 

A boundary might be: I'm not willing to provide oral sex to a partner who isn't willing to reciprocate. In that case, you have to be willing to stop providing that service. 

Another boundary might be: I'm not willing to be in a relationship if you're not willing to fully invest yourself in counseling to fix our marriage. In that case, you must be willing to walk away from the relationship. Yes, it's drastic. But life is too short to live in a toxic marriage, IMHO. 

Like I said in my first post, though... I'd really like to hear what the OP's wife has to say. Things rarely are as cut and dried as they seem. But to me, physical abuse would be a dealbreaker. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the number one boundary has to be absolutely no abuse be it physical, verbal or emotional. No one should ever accept that from their partner.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I think I can guess the answer, but what country or culture are we talking about?

How are her parents? Do they have a decent relationship? If not, could she be role-playing what her mom did to her dad or reacting to that?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Whatever you do, avoid getting her pregnant. Problems are much more difficult to solve with children to think of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date your wife before you married her?

When in your relationship did all this bad stuff start to happen?



ILMW said:


> Need advise on setting up boundaries.


You have been getting some good advice about that so far. You’ll get more.

No one should stay in a marriage in which they are being physically hurt and mistreated. But if you insist on staying right now, setting your boundaries and staying by them is what you do.


ILMW said:


> 1. I can go out of the house if she starts hurting me / or arguments are in high voice.
> 
> But I don't know whether she will open the door when I'm back. And I m not interested to make a scene in front of my neighbours.


Why does she have to let you back into the house? Don’t you have a key?

Have you sat her down and told her that if she yells and/or hurts you that you will leave. That she has to calm herself done. And only after she is calm will you talk to her? You need to have this talk with her when she is calm. Tell her that this is how it is from now on. She can learn to be calm and talk about things like an adult.


ILMW said:


> 2. Most of the fights starts when I'm trying for sex (I never came across a situation that she interested/initiated in sex), should I not initiate or ask for sex anymore??
> She will be happy if I stop trying for sex And my life will be sexless ( I tried stop asking, it went for 2 months-at last I had a discussion then we had sex for twice in a week then again she changed back to her original behaviour.


Could you give us a description of what happens? How do you ask her for sex? How do you try to have sex with her?

Was there ever a time when she seemed to like sex?



ILMW said:


> 3. I spend my time either in office or in home (in weekends), shopping/outing are with her only. Should I go out with friends?? (She did not like if I go out without her and used to have fights if I came late even by 30 from the expected time)


Does she have a job or is she at home all day? Do you have children? What does she do with her day?

How many hours a week do you work?

How much time did you used to spend with friends away from her before you stopped?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This is an abusive relationship, full stop. Why do you let this happen to you? Please call the domestic violence number in your area. Maybe if more men call when they are in your situation then guys will be taken seriously.

Don't be afraid to speak out for yourself and other men who are abused. Did she ever treat you with respect and love?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I was going to answer your question with "alcohol" to cope....but I see you already do that so I got no advice for ya.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Hey guys, news flash.... This is abuse. This guy needs no alcohol, and no NMMNG and mmsl. There is an unfortunate mismatch libido and there is abuse. This is abuse. His wife hits him. No one deserves to be hit in a supposedly loving relationship. No man or no woman.

OP, I would love for you to take the initiative and call the domestic abuse hotline. Please do this.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

john117 said:


> I think I can guess the answer, but what country or culture are we talking about?
> 
> How are her parents? Do they have a decent relationship? If not, could she be role-playing what her mom did to her dad or reacting to that?


I don't think her father has any voice in their home. All decisions are taking by her
Mother only. I don't want to be like him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date your wife before you married her?
> 
> When in your relationship did all this bad stuff start to happen?
> 
> ...


I used to go out with friend on Friday eve/ Saturday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I was going to answer your question with "alcohol" to cope....but I see you already do that so I got no advice for ya.


Sometimes she won't allow me to have drinks telling it will spoil my health. Last time she came and threw out my drink telling that I m having it because we fought and she don't like it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I am thinking of getting some time away from her on weekends. Like going out with friends / going out alone for photography / going to church. So that I will get some time without any issues and we will fight less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ILMW said:


> I am thinking of getting some time away from her on weekends. Like going out with friends / going out alone for photography / going to church. So that I will get some time without any issues and we will fight less.


"I'm going to spend less time around her so that she has fewer opportunities to abuse, disrespect, and humiliate me."

Poor approach, IMO, and I'd expect that the overall intensity of the episodes in which she is able to engage you to ramp up considerably.

If she won't agree to marriage counseling and/or individual counseling (for at least herself, though you may need it as well), you should probably divorce.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The physical attacks need to stop immediately, and the other issues need to be addressed in MC, IMO.

Sex isn't going to happen whilst the issues you mention are going on.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You're asking how to cope with these things?? The question is WHY would you want to cope with these things


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that most people would be upset if their spouse spent most Friday evenings and Saturdays with friends instead of with them.

See what I see if that she might have concerns that are pretty normal. But the way you reacts to them is not acceptable at all.

I don't know why you would want to stay in their marriage, but you do. Going out with friends and doing things to avoid her is not going to help because it will give her more reason to justify her abusive and violent behavior. 

If you want to stay in the marriage you are going to have to be willing to loose it. You are going to have to sit down and tell her that if she does not stop the anger, abuse and violence that you are leaving her. You have to tell her that she has to go to MC with you and deal with her issues.

But, people who are violent abusers seldom stop their abuse. Some do, but it's very few. Because of this people are usually advised to just leave the abuser.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I spoke to her regarding the issues.
1. lack of respect
2. No care
3. No sex
4. Not making food (not always but at least 3-4 days a week)

I got the below reply
She is what she is she won't change.
She doesn't like sex now.
I can have sex from someone else(told when she got angry).

Basically she won't change and everything is going good for her. It's me who has the problem.
I always get frustrated and will go for sleep after having some drinks.
Btw yesterday she told me that I don't need to make dinner and she will cook but I didn't get dinner cos she was busy watching her favourite serial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

You are an abused person. Document what you can secretly with tapes, witnesses and then leave without warning, taking all your stuff. Then file for divorce. If you don't enjoy abuse, be a man and end it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I love the posts where a person makes a long list of things that are wrong and then ends the post with 'I'll never divorce because I love her very much'. Basically you're saying that you signed up for the abuse and your lack of boundaries condones it, so it's as much your fault as hers. You won't leave, so you're admitting that in effect you "deserve" what you're getting.

We have a saying in mountaineering: "you can agree or you can disagree, but if you stay tied into the rope, then you agree".


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> We have a saying in mountaineering: "you can agree or you can disagree, but if you stay tied into the rope, then you agree".


Perfect!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ILMW said:


> I spoke to her regarding the issues.
> 1. lack of respect
> 2. No care
> 3. No sex
> ...


So what are you going to do now?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Priceless 



QUOTE=WorkingOnMe;9434218]I love the posts where a person makes a long list of things that are wrong and then ends the post with 'I'll never divorce because I love her very much'. Basically you're saying that you signed up for the abuse and your lack of boundaries condones it, so it's as much your fault as hers. You won't leave, so you're admitting that in effect you "deserve" what you're getting.

We have a saying in mountaineering: "you can agree or you can disagree, but if you stay tied into the rope, then you agree".[/QUOTE]


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I love the posts where a person makes a long list of things that are wrong and then ends the post with 'I'll never divorce because I love her very much'. Basically you're saying that you signed up for the abuse and your lack of boundaries condones it, so it's as much your fault as hers. You won't leave, so you're admitting that in effect you "deserve" what you're getting.


Except that in most cases it's not an instant transformation but a gradual one, and by the time the lobster is feeling the heat, it's in the (pun intended) red zone...


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It's abusive. If you don't like it you need to leave.

Too bad the societal norm is to tell men they need to "be a man and leave" but a women is "she can't just leave, she's abused and stuck in a cycle.

The person being abused needs the empowerment to leave, regardless if they are male or female. Stop being the victim.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ILMW said:


> I spoke to her regarding the issues.
> 1. lack of respect
> 2. No care
> 3. No sex
> ...


I would recommend getting out, it will be the same or worse 5 years from now.. it has taken me 5 years to realize that my husband wont ever change and ive waisted my time. Your wife has told you she will not change, she means it, she wont.. You say you love your wife, You wont feel the same about her 6 months from now, it will die a little each and everyday...

People like your wife who do absolutely nothing wrong (or so they think) cant be fixed, because they will have to admit they ****ed up, that will never happen! You can not fix your marriage by yourself, it doesnt work that way. I kmow ive done it, did t work.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Hi All, I am not planning anything to change her behaviour right now.
I am trying to figure out a way for me to stay in the marriage with less fights and frustration.
One point I realised is if I don't disturb or don't need anything from her then she will live happily in her world.
For that I need to do all the house work, not initiate sex, and don't ask her to do anything for me.
So even though is am married I should live like a Lonely single person who doesn't even have any body to love / care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Just a question, is there no way to make spouse to love you instead of leaving them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I love the posts where a person makes a long list of things that are wrong and then ends the post with 'I'll never divorce because I love her very much'. Basically you're saying that you signed up for the abuse and your lack of boundaries condones it, so it's as much your fault as hers. You won't leave, so you're admitting that in effect you "deserve" what you're getting.
> 
> We have a saying in mountaineering: "you can agree or you can disagree, but if you stay tied into the rope, then you agree".


It was very beautiful when I signed up for the same. And later her behaviour got changed. 
And I know I am also responsible for that.
Point here is I am ready to change as much as I can but she is not even ready to discuss things and try to figure out a way to better our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

ILMW - you are 27, your wife 26. If you haven't got children, don't have any.

Life is a journey, one that you and your spouse will make together. If your wife doesn't want to go down the same path as you, or you cannot find a common path, then you gor down yours and let her go does hers.

Yes go out alone with your friends...if there is a movie that you really want to see and she isn't interested in it, go alone or with friends. DO NOT hold yourself back because of her. You still have YOUR life.

If you find yourself beginning to spend more time with someone in particular then deal with that as and when. Just remember; 1) you are entitled to be happy
2) you are human

Good luck


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

ILMW said:


> Hi All, I am not planning anything to change her behaviour right now.
> I am trying to figure out a way for me to stay in the marriage with less fights and frustration.
> One point I realised is if I don't disturb or don't need anything from her then she will live happily in her world.
> For that I need to do all the house work, not initiate sex, and don't ask her to do anything for me.
> ...


Glad you aren't planning on changing her behavior - you can't. Only she can.

You have figured out how to have less fights - do everything the way she wants it. Do all of the work, do not expect anything in return. 

Why is this OK for you? Why are you so bent on staying with someone who treats you like you are merely a servant instead of a loving partner?



ILMW said:


> Just a question, is there no way to make spouse to love you instead of leaving them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, there is no way to MAKE a spouse love you. She loves herself, she does not love you. She has no interest in making herself a better person and she doesn't care whether or not you are happy. YOU DON'T MATTER in her world.



ILMW said:


> It was very beautiful when I signed up for the same. And later her behaviour got changed.
> And I know I am also responsible for that.
> Point here is I am ready to change as much as I can but she is not even ready to discuss things and try to figure out a way to better our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YOU are not responsible for her behavior. It changed because she got what she wanted - married. Whether her parents expected it or your culture expected it, she seems to have married for some reason besides love.

Why should you do all of the changing if she isn't going to meet you half way? End it while you are young and still have time to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Was this marriage arranged? Did she enthusiastically and of her own free will agree to marry you? I ask because it sounds like she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be married to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Was this marriage arranged? Did she enthusiastically and of her own free will agree to marry you?


It is such a shame that arranged marriages still occur in this era. Arranged marriages are a great reminder that plenty of women are still considered to be the property of a man.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

ILMW said:


> I am starting this thread to discuss the problems I'm facing in my
> Life.
> Me-27 W-26 married for 3 years.
> Issues:
> ...



First you do not have to cope with your life. You need to take control of it. Talk to your wife about how you feel and why you feel that way. More often than not most marriage problem can be solved by communicating honestly with each other. If she is not willing or not interested in addressing your problems then it is up to you to fix them. You fix them by taking responsibility for your part in your unhappiness. You cause yourself to be unhappy by staying ina bad relationship. You fix it by getting out of it and into a happy one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

2days back I have asked my wife to just spend 30 minutes with me.
Just sit / lay down with me/ just talk to me. 
She didn't like it. Told me I am not allowing her to watch her TV program on internet.
She is always watching the same.
Today also same thing happend.
She came back from work.
Took laptop went to bedroom started watching the program.
I had to order pizza. She had it on bed while continuing watching the program.
Now she switched off lap and started sleeping.
And I am the one still up, frustrated and sad.
Every day she is proving that I am not worth 30 minutes of her time; 
that I am undesirable, unattractive, unappreciated, and above all, unloved.
( last sentence I have copied from some other post, but it's suits my situation very well)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Turn off wifi in the house - problem solved


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

john117 said:


> Turn off wifi in the house - problem solved



You'd have to have some stones to do that. Much better for this guy to just accept. Maybe get fitted for a nice collar.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

ive been in your shoes but im the female and was undesired n abused by my husband. the abuse did not start until 15 yrs into M and 19 years into relationship. started small..grabbing arm a couple times in one year. i was shocked because of the longevity of him being so good. what i know now that i didnt know then is he had slowly over the course of a few years built up resentment over how his life turned out and never spoke of it as he did not want to appear to be a failure. we got married young. had our kids young. 22/23. we had no family help. i wont go into all the details but for him his change which included all of the same problems you stated was caused by resentment. he took his resentment out on me. 
he also grew up in a dys home with some abuse.
my advise is this this...yes u feel you love her. but she does not love you the way you want her to. you wish she does. i wished my spouse loved me too. but if you hold onto hope too long you will lose yourself. if you can financially afford to live apart do so. if not find a way. you do not have to start divorce if your not ready. but move. no kids makes it easier. give yourself a deadline of when you will file. say 3 months. you will know by then if she is willing to fight for your marriage. it could also be you are having trouble accepting rejection or being alone. these are valid feelings. 
if her abuse is caused by some resentment thats not being addressed trust me it will get worse.
been down that road far too long
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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