# Unwanted visit from ex



## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Hello Everyone,

We have a problem that has pervaded our relation ship for years. We are trying to find a resolution to this problem. I am faced with two options either try to accept the version of events I have been told or continue to seek a way to resolve this issue. Advice points and counter points are not only welcome but sought after. Details to be given below. Do I accept that this is my problem with trust or that I cannot accept it because it is simply not true.
Thank you for all of your help. We have posted before on Marriage Builders and only received a few responses from a few people. while those responses were helpful I am being told that a larger sampling of responses is preferred. ( I know) I am posting again at the behest of my wife/partner and due to financial issues within my field and lockouts etc we cannot afford a poly low cost so for now this is the best option. We have been to counseling but I am still loath to accept the advice given or the same explanation given. It just doesn't feel right. Please give us and me (as this may be due to my inability to trust) any and all advice you can. Thank you all. Here are both of our original posts combined and separated for the sake of defining our positions.


(Husband)My wife and I are having a difficult time resolving an issue and are seeking advice from other couples. About a month after our daughter was born my wife’s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn’t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her. 
I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left.
I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn’t tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn’t tell me. 
After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn’t have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating.
We have different opinions and don’t know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not?
I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too. 
My daughter is mine no doubt. She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn’t say much as she was headed out the door for work. We are not legally married but have lived as such and were engaged prior to my daughters birth. I met my wife and known her for about a year and a few months then moved in with her. I proposed and bought a ring while she was pregnant we were to be married after the birth of my daughter. Once this is resolved hopefully we can get past this and move on. 

(Wife)My husband and I are writing and reading this together. He suggested the DNA test then said he didn't want to. I talked him into it and paid for it. I know he is the only man I had sex with and I knew the results would prove it. He said I figured I had a 50/50 chance and that is why i took the test.
We had talked about marriage before our baby was born, but the ring and talks about setting a date were not done until after this had happened. He has already done all the snooping and checking that has been suggested. We really want helpful opinions on this. Has anyone had a similar situation/known someone with a similar situation or as a man, do you have an opinion as to why he came over.

(Husband)The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. She saw him last at the surprise b-day party and they did not have sex then according to her. 
I am looking for other reasons why he would show up or basically how to believe this considering the circumstances. She would like for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events. I am looking for any other suggestions people may have to aid her cause or side, as it were. Any people whom have been through similar circumstances and the party in question was proven innocent of any subsequent or prior wrong doing. This is a thorn in our side as I would like to believe her. 
However I do not feel trust can be extended here without the entire truth which she professes to have divulged to me, that being said everyone seems to be of one accord regarding the dubiousness of the situation and that begs further explanation or some resolution. As far as I am concerned I see things differently than her. Thank you all for your help.

(Wife)Yes I did lie and it is wrong. It was a relationship that was in the past and I didn't tell him about it. Since my husband did know him from work, I should have told him. I didn't get nervous when he started asking questions because no questions were asked. He just went to bed and we didn't talk. 
I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth. The OM and I were more friends than anything else. My previous marriage was over. My ex husband took all self esteem and self respect away from me. When my friend(OM)came on to me, I gave in because it was the first time in 9 years I felt good about myself and thought someone might actually like me. So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and talked on the phone. 
His girlfriend came up to the job (where she also use to work) and invited some people to a restaurant for OM birthday. That was one of the off times in my husband and my relationship. I would say our relationship was off and on due to both of us. Due to ending a very bad marriage on my part and his not being ready to commit and disappearing at times. My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say. 
But i know my husband is the only man I had sex with and i knew he was the father of our baby. The OM f***ed up our lives and i don't know why. My husband says that because he is a man he knows the ONLY reason the OM came over is because he thought the baby was his. The OM would have to be a total idiot (and bad at math) to believe that. Also, we actually did two DNA test.

(Husband)We had two DNA test done because I was suspicious of the first one. We had agreed to do the test and I said I would send it off but I fell short of cash and had to wait to get paid. In anger I left in the vehicle under the seat (stupid I know) she saw was hurt that I would do so and sent it in herself. I did not know she sent it in and found out later. The main problem is not the jail or paternity now. 
It is whether or not I can trust her and whether or not she is being truthful when she says that they did not have sex for two years prior to conception. I need to know if anyone has experienced this and the OM and WW were not having sex during conception. I do not think he would come by unless he thought he was the father and that means that they did have intercourse during that period. 
If she is not honest about it and claims that at the party and after while I was in jail she was not having intercourse with him then how can I trust her at all ever regardless of whether or not our child is mine. The second test was legit as far as I am concerned as I handled it myself. It was mail in buccal swab gloves and all. Is there a problem with those as I took care not to cross-contaminate the specimens? I had some training in Medical Lab Tech class with specimens and contamination and such so I am sure it was well handled.
Irregardless I am my daughter’s father. The concern is trust and truth and a real relationship predicated on honesty and forthrightness and total transparency which it would be hard to have if the entire truth is not told or if there is still form of deceit. Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery? 
Please let us know. If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relationship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near two years prior to our daughter's birth.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Hello to the both of you. I'm sure you'll be getting some great advice shortly from others more experienced than myself. However, I must point out that the thing that stands out to me is the wife's deception. Hiding the nature of your relationship with this OM and then allowing him into your home to hold your child was, IMO, very disrespectful to your husband.

I wish you two the best of luck and hope that others can give you some solid advice.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

This is quite simple. You need to cut any ex-relationship partners or lovers out of your lives period. Him showing up to your place to see the baby IMO was beyond inappropriate. I don't care if he thought he was the father or not. Your wife allowing him to come see the baby and continuing to talk to him behind your back, or even at all, was beyond inapproriate, as well as her lying. 

You 2 need to sit down and clearly set boundries for yourselves for what is and isn't acceptable regarding interactions with past lovers (as there should be none unless children are involved), the opposite sex, Girls/Boys nights out, etc. Your wife also doesn't need to be friends or hanging around men that are not you. Not with her track record of lying anyway. 

And you should be leery. If she lied about that what else is she willing to lie about when it suits her needs? Why is she even hanging around/seeing the OM at events??? I'm not saying you can never trust her again or not to trust her (especially since it doesn't SOUND like she cheated on you) , but you need to be careful. She's already shown she's capable of lying when she feels it suits her, and when they do it once, it's easy for them to do it again.

Best of luck to both of you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The ex lover came over because he thought it could be his kid.
There is no other reason a man would put himself in the middle of the scenerio you describe.

Counseling for the two of you is totally worthless until your wife starts telling the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

When the ex came to your home unannounced he was somewhat surprised to see you there. Why do you suppose that's so? Two possible reasons.

1.Someone told him you were out of the picture completely.

2. Someone told him you would not be home at that time of day.

Okay, according to the ex, the ex came across a previous coworker. Why did your wife's name come up? Was the previous coworker your w bff? If it was just chit-chat he wouldn't have bothered to visit right?

Maybe the ex wanted to see how old the baby was. He showed up principally for information - and maybe to do a little fishing. 

Lady, IMO you are witholding some facts from your h or from the ex. Right?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> She would like for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events.


Cheaters and liars always do. It makes their lives and continuing their deceptions so much easier for them. The people they lie to and screw over? Not so much.

The more I think about it the more I think your wife might still lying to you and ****ing you over.

edit: But I could be wrong


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

you should have grabbed the guy by the collar and demanded to know why he was there, then told him never to return.

instead you invited him into your house. and you let him handle your child. i am unimpressed, and i don't even know you. imagine how your wife feels.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Why don't you ask him?. Aggressively.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, Talk to his gf. Did she arrange the b'day party? Is it a coincidence it happened during a bad time in your relationship? 

Wife, did he ever ask to get back with you in these 2 years? Strange thing to do considering that he was the one that left you...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> When the ex came to your home unannounced he was somewhat surprised to see you there. Why do you suppose that's so? Two possible reasons.
> 
> 1.Someone told him you were out of the picture completely.
> 
> ...


I'm with him.. 

Stop lying and fix your marriage or get out.. But keep adding lie upon lie upon lie.. It will ruin your husband and it will ruin anything you hope to have with him. 

Just do what is right and take the verbal beating once and move on with the rest of your lives.. Either together or apart.. 

But be adult enough to just say what the fvck is going on..


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

If your wife is telling the truth then he could have been fishing or checking to see if the coast was clear to start again with her just my opinion


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

No more trickle truth, but transparency. Why would the OM visit?

No more saving face, or protecting the other spouse from "hurt". It does not work. Why would he visit? 

No more lies, she lied about their relationship and maybe the duration of. Again I ask, why would he even visit AFTER the birth of the child? 

No more nonsense and rumor. He visited from hear say alone? 

As an outsider, the reasons sound ridiculous and the visit absurd. Sure it is great to show off your new born like some sort of lion king scene but to let rafiki (your wifes ex lover) proclaim him to his kingdom or worse to think the child is his.....I'd be appalled.

Either she connects the lines or yourself and the rest of us will be prone to arrogantly connecting the dots. Benefit of doubt is given but you're the only one that can FEEL your way around this.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> About a month after our daughter was born my wife’s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn’t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her.
> She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left.
> 
> He just showed up unexpectedly? Speaks to a very comfortable relationship with your wife.
> ...


 I really want to believe her, but she has lied, and then trickle truthed you. I have to agree with you and would seriously question his visit, and it would be cause for concern. 

I would suggest that you ask the OM, but you don't know if he would tell the truth, or they may have spoken and got their story straight. 

I don't think you will ever know the truth, the question then becomes...Can you put it to rest and move on? Or is this a deal breaker?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I would think that the fact that your marriage, your family and your sanity are at stake here and that quite literally your entire life and future hang in the balance, that would be more than enough incentive to confront this man.

No offense to the wife here, but there is no phucking way I'm taking her word for anything. She admits to being a liar, This is way too fishy and the stakes are just too high. She lost benefit of the doubt and she should know that.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

The only thing I can say with certainty in this situation is that there's no way in hell this guy dropped by just to see the baby.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I would think that the fact that your marriage, your family and your sanity are at stake here and that quite literally your entire life and future hang in the balance, that would be more than enough incentive to confront this man.
> 
> No offense to the wife here, but there is no phucking way I'm taking her word for anything. She admits to being a liar*,This is way too fishy* and the stakes are just too high. She lost benefit of the doubt and she should know that.


:iagree:
sniff I smell it from here! Time for some *honest* conversations. The truth, no matter how bad, is not nearly as bad as the mistrust from hiding the truth. Wife - search your heart. Let the truth pour out.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

raging_pain said:


> you should have grabbed the guy by the collar and demanded to know why he was there, then told him never to return.
> 
> instead you invited him into your house. and you let him handle your child. i am unimpressed, and i don't even know you. imagine how your wife feels.


Raging I too am unimpressed with you or your unhelpful comments. I let him in to see what htis was about. I knew him but not of their relationship as they never spoke in my presence whiule we worked together. Secondarily how would it be helpful to attack someone merely because they arrive at your house and ask to see your wife. Is it not better to see what it it is about so that if needed appropiate action could be taken. To that end I was able to garner more info which proved unequivocally what it is that was transpiring. I always give people enough rope to hang themselves so to speak.

I was once very capable of the benewfit of the doubt. That capability sadly has left me. I did not let him handle my child he repeated what he said to me to her and she went to go get our child. Snatching away a two month old or fighting with her in the room would not have been helpful in the least. (Unimpressed indeed). 

I do however agree that a beating is warranted however that is a feeling that would not have been actionable. Besides better to see how legit it is first and assess the situation. Thank you for your reply however unhelpful or unnecessary it may have been. It did allow me to see the ignorance of such actions as they would not have borne any fruit. 

To everyone else thank you. Finding him is no problem as I have his info but have since found out that to confront him is at best useless as more lies will be told. It is my wife who has to answer. But if she does not I have enough info to locate and seek this individual out. I will be back as I am sure will she.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Coming to "see the baby" would be more believable if he brought a nice gift. What did he bring the baby?

Nothing?

Thought so.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He's not the one you need to be upset with, or at least who you should go after. It's your wife's lying that's the problem. At the end of the day he only has to answer to himself and to his girlfriend or any significant other. Believe me your wife isn't going to go the rest of her life without other men trying to get into her pants. Married or not.

Your wife is the one who needs to answer to you and your child. Forget the other man unless it's to keep your wife from having any contact with him. He's a scumbag but also a scapegoat for your wife's issues. Her lying is 100% on her unless he held a gun to her head and made her talk to him.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

He 100% came to see the baby to see if it had his features. No ifs ands or buts about it. You can deny it and block it out as much as you want but your wife is clearly lying about the extent of their relationship.

If the situation looks and smells suspicious, go with your gut, especially in matters like this.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

resolutionseekers said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relationship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near two years prior to our daughter's birth.


 RS, I have to call your attention to something that is obvious to me: you don't believe your wife. 

You are looking for anecdotal evidence from strangers to relieve your obvious suspicions. So...if you get them, will that make you feel better? Is that what it will take to make you believe your wife? Why are you still asking this question if you've TWO DNA tests done that have indicated you to be the father? (BTW, please post the percentage they gave you when they indicated your possibility of parentage. And how much did you pay for these tests? What company did you use? I ask because I have some experience in this area.)

FWIW, the OM showed up because he wanted to see whether or not the baby looked like him. Take that for what it's worth. For me, that's a huge red flag.







You probably think that, too, hence your continued suspicion.

Why don't you have her sit for a polygraph and get it done?


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

resolutionseekers said:


> Raging I too am unimpressed with you or your unhelpful comments. I let him in to see what htis was about. I knew him but not of their relationship as they never spoke in my presence whiule we worked together. Secondarily how would it be helpful to attack someone merely because they arrive at your house and ask to see your wife. Is it not better to see what it it is about so that if needed appropiate action could be taken. To that end I was able to garner more info which proved unequivocally what it is that was transpiring. I always give people enough rope to hang themselves so to speak.
> 
> I was once very capable of the benewfit of the doubt. That capability sadly has left me. I did not let him handle my child he repeated what he said to me to her and she went to go get our child. Snatching away a two month old or fighting with her in the room would not have been helpful in the least. (Unimpressed indeed).
> 
> ...


my mistake, i thought you knew who he was when he showed up. and i'm not trying to go all ITG here, i didn't mean beat him to a pulp. certainly going to jail is not worth it. 

i was thinking more along the lines of using the element of surprise. he didn't know you were there, he would have been taken aback by an abrupt charge, and maybe a grab by the collar would have yielded useful information. or it could have made you look like a psychopath. depends on the moment i guess.

anyways, all this is moot. you had no idea of what was going on with him when he showed up, if i'm interpreting you correctly. so... nevermind.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Get into your wife's email accounts. Get a detailed cell phone bill of your wife's phone from her service provider. Check to see if there have been more calls to one particular number. Polygraph.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Even if it really is his, which he said the results of the tests that he did not send in have "proven" that it is his, what makes me wonder is why would something like this happen? It could be they were fooling around before the baby?

There have been plenty of those horror stories around here, and who knows whats worse, it being yours and you finding out she did fool around or it not being yours and you signed on the line that is dotted.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Ok I got you. Thanks Raging. No harm no foul.
Wow several questions to answer. The first paternity test cost $500 and the second was a cheaper one of about $100. I did two due to the circumstances under which the first was submitted. The results we 99.98 percent. As for the companies used I would have to dig out the paperwork. I took Medical Lab Technology in College and made sure not to cross contaminate the swaps and wore gloves to do my best to ensure a sterile sample. I know that doesn't guarantee anything but I do have experience in Phlebotomy and Urinalysis and working in a lab etc.
I am not looking to rug sweep or for others to give me anecdotal anything. As stated we have been to counselors who suggest that I accept her version of events and move forward. One told me not to suspect cheating unless the guy was between her legs (not helpful) and the other female asked to tell me it wasn't true then turned to me and said see there she says she didn't cheat. (lol as if it were that simple.) Both seemed to take her side and to tell me it was my own self esteem issues or childhood phobias manifesting as fear of abandonment and or trouble trusting and to look into my childhood for possible triggers or past relationships etc.) Therefore I wondered if my gut was wrong if my internal bs meter was broken or if they were right and I should focus on now and the future and accept a completely unreasonable scenario as being just that a conundrum wrapped in an enigma which could never be solved because the other OM was at fault and I should just accept the unknown. In my experience however if it walks like a duck... (you all know the rest.) I have tried but to no avail. I have to know what really went down so I can move on and have true R and a real marriage and family that is not built on lies deception and hiddne activities.

That being said since the counselors felt I could move on in this situation and not have any definitive answers as she continues to contend that she has no idea why he came over etc. That maybe just maybe I am paranoid and the counselors and her are correct that I am seeing boogeymen or whatever. If I am crazy and paranoid then maybe if enough people tell me I'll get it. 

Besides as stated previously and I know this is foolish a larger sampling of more experiences is required. As for a poly with the lockouts in two major sports (my field) this year and her working part time it just isn't feasible at this time to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

DNA proves it is you child. That's great news

It doesn't prove there hasn't been cheating, it just proves that the kid is yours.


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

you really have no choice in the matter. 

first off, don't listen to any therapist that tells you you are 'seeing boogeymen'. you know your wife better than any of them, and if you have a bad gut feeling then _something_ is amiss. whether or not you actually bring the issue to light is another matter.

if you want to try, then give it time. since the baby is yours, and she consistently denies it, and you're not sure, and you have no proof, then there aren't many options. either give it a try and let things pan out, or burn it all down and divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TBH, there is no way the wife can prove that she did not cheat.

But there are genuine concerns from the OP,. His wife met with the OM during a bad time in their relationship and hid it from him. Not a sure shot sign of cheating but it is indeed worrisome.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> That being said since the counselors felt I could move on in this situation and not have any definitive answers as she continues to contend that she has no idea why he came over etc. That maybe just maybe I am paranoid and the counselors and her are correct that I am seeing boogeymen or whatever. If I am crazy and paranoid then maybe if enough people tell me I'll get it.


See, the problem is the boogeyman isn't real and is an imaginary name for an imaginary creature.

Dude showed up unannounced, at your door, to see a baby that wasn't his.

That visit wasn't imaginary and doubting your previously untruthful wife's explanation of why it occurred isn't paranoia.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Two things:

- His surprise at finding you home indicates some agreement or understanding between OM and your W.

- There's no other credible explanation for his visit than that he wanted to see if the baby was his.

Sorry. I'm glad the child is yours. I can't believe your W is being truthful, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a very good chance that he showed up thinking he would be get a chance to see your wife. When you answered the door, the first thing that came to his mind was that he came to see the baby. 

He could not tell you that he came to see your wife.

To the wife. I get that you did not tell the truth about the relationship you had with the guy at first. It happened before you met your husband and when the two of you were broken up... one of many breakups. It's not cheating if it happened before your relationship or when the two of you broke it off for however long.

If you truely did not cheat on him then you need to seroiusly think about leaving him. He sounds like he will never believe you. You cannot prove that something that did not happen. Unless your husband comes to terms with this your relationship is doomed. If you did not cheat, I really feel badly for you.


If you did cheat, you best tell him and get it over with. At least that way the two of you can decide where to go from here. And you have a chance of recovering this relationship if the two of you choose to.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Thank you EleGirl. I have never told her it was cheating if was before me and we discussed previous relationships that occurred during our break periods or so I thought. She knew of my dating a girl while in summer classes at NL College and while we were apart. 

I explained on several occasions that her seeing someone during this time does not cannot and never will constitute cheating. The party occurred a few weeks prior to us moving in. I had heard rumors of her being with another and I asked. She brushed it off and claimed it never happened (me asking) until I was able to produce the letter I wrote to which expressly asked if she had seen anyone. I do not feel it fair for me to be honest and her not. I had told her that prior to moving in and after he came over that ifit was on break then absolutely it is not cheating. Yet she still lied. That is why hiding it was unacceptable.

I worked with her and him together and never had any idea through their interactions that they were friends or anything of the sort. Mind you she and I hung out at times with other friends of hers male and female. Plus he had a GF during their relationship or friendship as she calls it. I thought all the cards were on the table. The problem is he called her while pregnant and she did not tell me about the call. 

She says that she told him that we were having a child and that she was on her way to pick me up and that that was it. Then He shows up to see our baby and she claims surprise bewilderment you name. After he left and I inquired what the hell had just happened she proceeded to lie. He's just a friend (classic I know) I don't know why he came over, she hadn't spoken to him in over a year failing to mention the phone call at the time etc. 

I remember calling bs and sleeping on the couch. She says I didn't say anything and that she could tell I did not believe her. The next day she came to me and told the nature of their relationship. I was upset and snooped and found her address book in which she had their names circled on their unbeknownst to me at the time shared b-day. She then told me they only had sex a couple of times and that the sex was prior to me working their and prior to our relationship. We had known each other for about two and a half years prior to our daughter's birth and about four months before dating.

So according to her by the time of the b-day party they were strictly friends with no more sex and that she went at the behest of his GF because everyone from work was going too and she saw no reason why not to go. Again this was during a break period and could not be viewed by me or anyone as cheating. It was about three weeks prior to us moving in. That they would speak on the phone from time time but no sex and only on the phone. I was not informed of this call which happened while I was at work and she was about four to five months along. then the arrival and subsequent lies.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Also about two weeks after moving in I was arrested on a past warrant that and spent 23 days in jail and my daughter was conceived on the night of my release which she points to because of the amount of times we had sex that night. She also say that if he did think he was the father he would have to have been extremely bad at math. But seriously if all she claims is true then why come by? He knew she was having my child according to her and he also knew that it was mathematically untenable that he could be the father again according to her. To be clear they were cheating on his GF at the time of their relationship. Under the ascribed circumstances I know I would not even care to see my exes baby. I have told her if it was while i was in jail i could understand as the time I did disrupted my college and our relationship and that I could see her not having faith in me or our relationship. I was certainly in no place to offer security or anything and I could see why she would go back to him during my jail time and would understand. She say that is not the case.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Your wife is either a cheater, a liar, or both. Not sure what else there is to add or what else you all are looking for.



> She also say that if he did think he was the father he would have to have been extremely bad at math. But seriously if all she claims is true then why come by?


Ever think that maybe she's playing you? If he DID think he was the father I don't care how bad at math he is, I doubt if it was more than a year since they had sex he would have suspected the child of being his. Most people with an IQ above 70 know it takes 9 months to carry a child to term from conception. Period. Very few people are THAT stupid.

But that's IF he suspected the child was his.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

The more I read and think about this the more dishonest she seems.

She's made a habit of lying about this guy. Why do you think that is? Seems obvious to me that it was more than "just friends" ... at the very least she wanted it to be more than "just friends". Maybe he wouldn't commit to her or the pregnancy is what stopped it from going further. 

It just seems to me given the weight of her actions that you were plan B all along.

She wanted more to do with this guy ... it's the only reason for her hiding her relationship with him from you that makes sense to me anyway. I could be wrong, but don't think I am. Polygraph her first chance you get.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It's also possible he didn't think the child was his at all. He just came there looking to **** your wife, was surprised to see you there, and "seeing the child" made a good cover story.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheating is only partly sex, cheating is mostly betrayal. That's why it hurts so much.


How did he know where you live?

I gotta say, to the wife, you've played a nasty game here.

1. You had a sexual relationship with this guy, AND he was cheating on his gf with you.
2. You were the OW
3. You lied to your husband and hid the fact that you and the guy had a sexual relationship 
4. You stayed in contact with the OM and the gf he cheated on you with
5. You went to the OMs party held by the gf he cheated on. If the gf knew about that she would be humiliated. That was frankly very callous and nasty to do that.
6. You deliberately chose to betray your husbands trust and not let him in on the secret you had with the OM. You chose keeping the 
OMs secret over your husband. That's betrayal by choice.

To OP, I think you should be letting the GF in on the truth here, she deserves to know that she was cheated on and it was with your wife.

And, you are very right to question this guy just showing up. Baby aside, you gotta wonder if he was thinking he might get a chance to fire the affair back up. You being there messed up his plan.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Okay... i'll play advocate here. Just because i've seen some shady folks during my time.

A. Its not that hard to figure out where she lives, especially since they have mutual friends.

B. His reasons for coming by... he could of been fishing. If the wife hits the door first, her response may have been, "What are you doing here?" His response would of been the same... "To see the baby." She would of been sorta oblidged to let him quickly see it. Figuring that perhaps his motives are innocent. Whereas it gives him a reason to try to gauge where her relationship is with this Husband, who he may have heard rumors about that they had previous issues.

C. Her lying. Yes she did lie, and i'm not giving her a mulighan for that. But its difficult for any woman, but on the spot, to immediately confirm that the guy her husband just let in through the door, was somebody she used to have sex with. He would of gone ballistic. Instead, she waited a day, and then told him the truth. She could of kept the lie going.... but she didn't.

Like i said, i could be way off. I've run across exes of my wife while we were together ( they didn't come by our house mind you ) and she didn't tell me who they were immediately at the time. there are some shady dudes out there. Me and my wife's FBs are open to one another, and i've seen some crazy messages sent by dudes to my wife, despite these guys know i'm married, she dismissed these attempts i'm glad to say, but it still doesn't stop dudes from trying. The past is the past, and as long as she sticks to the story of not knowing why the former lover came by here... i'm willing to giver her the benefit of the doubt on here. Even if it means i stand alone on this.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

So going forward you or Yall if you will, need to decide what you want if you want to continue the marriage then I would lay down some boundaries such as If an ex calls on either side then you let you partner know, also if you see an ex at a party or out shopping you let the other know etc also full transparency on cell phones, emails, facebook, whatever at the same time I would suggest that you look around for a local university that offers marriage and family counseling, these grad students are working towards becoming counselors etc and are pretty good they are generally overseen by a local professional counselor and they charge by a sliding scale very affordable Its time to grow up kids yall have a baby to think about just my opinion


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> The past is the past, and as long as she sticks to the story of not knowing why the former lover came by here... i'm willing to giver her the benefit of the doubt on here. Even if it means i stand alone on this.


Different strokes for different folks. You're much more forgiving than I could be. I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that they all worked together and she never said a peep about her sexual relationship with him.

To me, that's just the kind of thing you don't hide from a spouse.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

ironman said:


> Different strokes for different folks. You're much more forgiving than I could be. I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that they all worked together and she never said a peep about her sexual relationship with him.
> 
> To me, that's just the kind of thing you don't hide from a spouse.


If they had moved on from all working together, and had NO contact during that time, then i don't see it as a big deal. 

Had i read this wrong??? Did they all 3 work together after the marriage?

I made it clear to my wife along time ago, if its somebody...from your past that we run into on a continuing basis, i want to know the extent of your relationship. I'm a firm believer in proper boundaries.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> Had i read this wrong??? Did they all 3 work together after the marriage?
> 
> I made it clear to my wife along time ago, if its somebody...from your past that we run into on a continuing basis, i want to know the extent of your relationship. I'm a firm believer in proper boundaries.


I think you read it right. I just disagree with giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'd approach this particular situation as "guilty until proven innocent" given her comfort with dishonesty and IMO, disrespect for her husband.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

ironman said:


> I think you read it right. I just disagree with giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'd approach this particular situation as "guilty until proven innocent" given her comfort with dishonesty and IMO, disrespect for her husband.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.



I'm talking to a coworker on this, and i still think ( and i could be wrong) she found herself put on a spot and said anything to pass the awkward moment. She could of run with this lie, but figured how worst it could of been if her husband snooped and discovered the truth on his own. 

Right now, until proven otherwise, i'm on the side of the wife, under the gauze as she used bad judgement in her initial lie. I'm not saying i'd agree with it, just that i understand why she did it. I can't hate on her for the acts she did prior to their marriage.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> . I can't hate on her for the acts she did prior to their marriage.


No one's hating on her for what she did prior to the marriage. She's getting hated on for what she's done DURING the marriage (lying). To me you give someone the benefit of the doubt BEFORE they do something to lose that benefit.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rob774 said:


> I'm talking to a coworker on this, and i still think ( and i could be wrong) she found herself put on a spot and said anything to pass the awkward moment. She could of run with this lie, but figured how worst it could of been if her husband snooped and discovered the truth on his own.


I'd agree except she had MULTIPLE times to tell the truth. Then it blew up in her face when he suddenly showed up.




> I'm not saying i'd agree with it, just that i understand why she did it.


 I don't, when they both told each other dating and sex truths before the marriage. He told her he met someone when they were apart, that honesty should have made her feel secure in my book.

Her: "I told you about these, but this one is off limits." Yes, that would bother me that it wasn't admitted until I slept on the couch.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I think the benefit of doubt is gone by the numerous times she has been caught lying. Transparency and honesty for reconciliation, because it might seem to an observer that she was probably messing when she was already pregnant with no apparent evidence of betrayal besides maybe being infected by an std since the child has already been proven to be yours.

Cheaters will cheat again if they do not reform. If you do stay together and you do not fully resolve this issue, listen to your instincts and I'm sure you'll bust the cheater once again no matter how careful they are.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Hello again,

We worked together while she and I dated. Because of school I had to work elsewhere so they worked together after I left and prior. This was while she and I were on again off again. During this time period from start to finish I had no idea they were friends. While working together with me I never saw them interact in any way as to indicate that they were friends. Prior to when we moved in together and there after she had ample opportunity to let me know they were friends especially since he called and they had hung out recently at the party. While pregnant is when he called and when she had another chance to tell me about their friendship but she chose to remain silent. When he came over it blew up in her face and I can understand that she could not say he was a former lover at that moment. However she could have asked him to leave and not let him hold our child but she did. Benefit of the doubt gone.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

As an outside observer, it seems to me that she is still into this guy quite a bit.

She only "came clean" b/c ...

1) He showed up (busted)
2) and/or she was overwhelmed with guilt

Typically, someone who is "forced" to come clean harbors strong feeling for the other person. Based on everything presented, it's the only explanation that makes sense.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

resolutionseekers said:


> Hello again,
> 
> We worked together while she and I dated. Because of school I had to work elsewhere so they worked together after I left and prior. This was while she and I were on again off again. During this time period from start to finish I had no idea they were friends. While working together with me I never saw them interact in any way as to indicate that they were friends. Prior to when we moved in together and there after she had ample opportunity to let me know they were friends especially since he called and they had hung out recently at the party. While pregnant is when he called and when she had another chance to tell me about their friendship but she chose to remain silent. When he came over it blew up in her face and I can understand that she could not say he was a former lover at that moment. However she could have asked him to leave and not let him hold our child but she did. Benefit of the doubt gone.


Okay, this clears up a lot to me. Thanks. She serioiusly dropped the ball big time. Cause i told my wife along time ago (we are from the same hood, and attended the same HS) if there is somebody at said social event, i need to know right away if you have had a past with them. Cause i like to know who i'm dealing with. I want to know if this sleezebag being chummy with me because its his personality or is he trying to get close to you... by getting closer to me. If somebody is calling the crib, i have to know if friend, is nothing more than a poser. NO guy that you use to sleep with... can EVER be a friend a mine. I don't care how things are now.

She did you a tremendous disservice with this. And i would be very angry she didn't respect me enough to let me know the deal. So know we are at the issue at hand. Okay, your daughter is... your daughter. But we have to determine if she broke it off with him years ago like she said. At this point, i don't know if you can prove wither or not she did so. She lied yes... but I don't know if i'm comfortable to make that leap that she indeed cheated.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Be glad the child is yours and you have the proof. As far as your relationship goes, your past with so many on again/off agains precludes any certainty in respect to what your wife may feel you wish to hear. Don't want to upset anybody, but I know itto be fact that spouses will choose their words in order to embellish their views on events. I suggest you just keep your eyes open and at the same time let the former whatever in the hell he may have been, know that he's not to contact either your wife or your child for ANYTHING.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Thank you all again. I do find quite easy to male that leap when faced with the precipice of lies and deception and the humiliation of working with this guy amd not knowing who he was or that je could represent a threat to my relationship especially given that they continued to work togerher after I left and the whole being friends and birthday party thing plus the phone call all and subsequent arrival to our house. That is tough to deal with it erodes all trust and any desire to try and see her side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The bottom line, is she chose to misrepresent her relationship with you. She conspired to keep you in the dark, while continuing to have social contact with an EX.

Then she tries to say its all nothing but an oops on her part.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, I'm not saying to go nuclear here.

I do suggest the two of you need to have a serious discussion and agreement about boundaries, honesty and loyalty.

No Ex's. none.

Your loyalty is now to each other. You should have no loyalty to any ex. In fact you should also have no secrets with an ex that you will not tell one another, and I don't just mean tell when caught in the lie.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

I appreciate the advoce shaggy. I just want to get back trust but its hard knowing the lies and secrecy that implies he knew to keep away in my presence but did not seek to do so if I was aware. He knewwas anout me but not me about to him. The toigh part is trying to sort out how much ia still beimg hidden or lied about. Even if he is gone for good. He marries his hf of the time so I don't think she knew he cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is an habitual liar. I do not know how you could ever feel good remaining in a relationship with an habitual liar.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> I appreciate the advoce shaggy. *I just want to get back trust but its hard knowing the lies and secrecy that implies he knew to keep away in my presence but did not seek to do so if I was aware.* He knewwas anout me but not me about to him. The toigh part is trying to sort out how much ia still beimg hidden or lied about. Even if he is gone for good. He marries his hf of the time so I don't think she knew he cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why your wife needs to provide full transparency from now on. She's already shown that she's not truthworthy and will lie when she feels it suits her. You'll never trust her 100% no matter what anyone says or how much advice you seek. Not after what she's done. That you'll just have to accept. And that's her fault, not yours.

If she's serious about you, her marriage, and keeping her family together she shouldn't have a problem with transparency and answering any questions you have no matter how sick she gets of answering them for however long. If she waffles, regresses, gets caught telling more lies, or doesn't look like she can handle it then you know where she stands as far as the marriage and comittiment are concerned. If she holds up her end of the bargain to a point where you trust her more then you'll have to live by "trusting, but verifying" what she says and what she does.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Indeed but it sucks cause I know muself and I am doible checking asking again and verifying what I can and am terribly disheartened when things are not veryfiable or easily checked. I know I can onlu control what I do and how I react but I am sure that the double checking gets old for both of us. I need to let it go and trust until I can't trust no more but am a fraid to extend myself and its exhausting and causes fights when there shouldn't be any. I know I need help and so does she. Good god this sux for us both. She has done well but I have not. I look for any and ebery sign of wromg doing amd blow it up unnecessarily. Its not that she is doing wrong but that always assume the worst irregardless of how well she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

I habe lost my ability to discern what is true what is sage and what to believe. This will be oir undoong and I fear that she takes tbis bad reaction and the further omes as a sign that it was nest and would be best to keep in the things she feels I will get mad at and I do get mad easily now no matter how innocent she is amd that is on me. I need to accept that she is not doing wromg now but things get easily set back because of one wrong thing in my eyes. And now my eyes see everything as a threat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

If it was me I'd kick her to the curb. 

The continued lying and the amount of deception is way past where I'd draw my line in the sand. 

Total dealbreaker, even "if" she didn't have sex with the guy recently.

I couldn't stay with a woman I didn't trust, and I'd NEVER trust a woman who did what your wife did.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jasel said:


> It's also possible he didn't think the child was his at all. He just came there looking to **** your wife, was surprised to see you there, and "seeing the child" made a good cover story.


This is the only other conceivable possibility.

Either he planned on ****ing your wife the day he showed up and you got in the way or he was ****ing your wife around the time that she conceived and he thought the kid might be his.

Either way he`s been ****ing your wife and she`s still lying about it.

I`d wash my hands of her.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> I need to let it go and trust until I can't trust no more but am a fraid to extend myself and its exhausting and causes fights when there shouldn't be any.


You can't "let it go" that's called rugsweeping and is a recipe for disaster. Some people who have been lied to and cheated on this site try that and it DOES NOT WORK. You can't force yourself to trust her either. Trust comes with time and her proving that she can be trusted.



> I know I need help and so does she. Good god this sux for us both. She has done well but I have not. I look for any and ebery sign of wromg doing amd blow it up unnecessarily. Its not that she is doing wrong but that always assume the worst irregardless of how well she does.


Once again that's her fault, not yours. When your wife gives you a reason to DNA test your child, as far as I'm concerned you have no obligation to "get over it" solely to keep the peace. You need to deal with this at your own pace. 

Of course she's dealing with it better than you are. She's not the one who was lied to and had the paternity of her child in question even if briefly. You were the one who was lied to. Not her. Naturally it's going to be harder for you to get over.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> I look for any and ebery sign of *wromg doing amd blow it up unnecessarily.* Its not that she is doing wrong but that always assume the worst irregardless of how well she does.


Yes, you need to work on this, but there is this crazy word called "REPERCUSSION." Your wife needs to learn this word.
Merriam-Webster's Learner's Dictionary


> *something usually bad or unpleasant that happens as a result of an action*, statement, etc., and that *usually affects people for a long time* — usually plural ▪


You asked for honesty, you gave her honesty, and she lied once, but that lie led to many more lies and here you are. Please note the use of "usually affects" and "long time."


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Ya'll are not far off of my initial judgements and feelings on this. She is however sticking to the story of she doesn't know why he showed up. As stated a poly at this time is untenable and has to wait for a bit. In the meantime I am where I am. Still if was him coming by to check the status of oir R then she should have been firmer with him or outright let him know we were exclusive and not just said he and I are having a baby and I'm on my way to pick him up during the phone call. It all seems lile TT amd hald truths. Makes me wonder aboit future guys who hit on her or try to get woth her how will.she do? How can I handle it when guys approach her. I am not in charge of those things and need to cope and not assume the worse. Phone email texts accounts are open to us both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> She is however sticking to the story of she doesn't know why he showed up. As stated a poly at this time is untenable and has to wait for a bit.


She MIGHT be telling the truth. But keep in mind cheaters/liars will often only confess to what their spouse finds out, will most likely find out, or what they can prove. Not trying to make you even more paranoid but you might not find out any new details ever because there simply might not be any or she covered her tracks and you might learn new details 5, 10, 15 years down the road that confirm your worst suspicions. It happens.



> In the meantime I am where I am. Still if was him coming by to check the status of oir R then she should have been firmer with him or outright let him know we were exclusive and not just said he and I are having a baby and I'm on my way to pick him up during the phone call. It all seems lile TT amd hald truths.


The fact that she didn't is a huge red flag as well as him even showing up to begin with. I doubt she's telling the full truth myself. People like that rarely do. But like I said she MIGHT be.



> Makes me wonder aboit future guys who hit on her or try to get woth her how will.she do? How can I handle it when guys approach her. I am not in charge of those things and need to cope and not assume the worse. Phone email texts accounts are open to us both.


There's not much you can do on that front until she proves she's trustworthy and even then you'll have doubts. Any woman you marry is going to get hit on by men. The problem is your wife has already given you reason to question her fidelity to you and sense of comittiment. The fact that she's done that so early in your marriage should make you question if it's worth what you're going to have to go through to get past this. Because there is no easy fix.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Definitely no easy fix. I am aware that I have to do my part amd make it safe for her to tell me things via what psychologists and others say but I am unaware of what my part was. Which doesn't mean I am blameless but wow its a tough situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

resolutionseekers said:


> Definitely no easy fix. I am aware that I have to do my part amd make it safe for her to tell me things via what psychologists and others say but I am unaware of what my part was. Which doesn't mean I am blameless but wow its a tough situation
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're in so much trouble.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

How so? I mean I am dont know how I made it unsafe to tell me as no bad reactions prior to dude showing up. I mean she told me some past things which I did not react badly to. Hence where n how did i do wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

That is to say according to jer it wasn't me or my reactions she says she wanted me to like her and that this info may have altered history or getting with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

resolutionseekers said:


> How so? I mean I am dont know how I made it unsafe to tell me as no bad reactions prior to dude showing up. I mean she told me some past things which I did not react badly to. Hence where n how did i do wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you did wrong in the area of creating a safe place.

I think the only wrongs you have done are being too trusting and not being strong on set mutual boundaries. You assumed you and she were on the same page, but you never actually talked about it.
So she conveniently play don't ask, don't tell.

It's time to start asking.

1. Any other former lovers you don't know about?
2. Have you Ben in concat with any since the marriage?
Etc...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

my 2 cents sale some stuff and get the poly! she is lying and she will not stop! go up to her and say poly on this day. i would never just show up at a xgf house to see her baby. with the shock that you are home. if you would not have been home she may be pregnant again but with his kid! :slap:


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

We have since discussed boundaries and what we expect and will and will not accepted. True I would have been in the wind if not for my daughter and that is no excuse to stay. I am just tired of being angry and suspicious and full of doubt. The poly seems the way to go but how reliable are they. I know they are admissible in court and have done some research but have experts on both sides who either swear by them or dismiss them as unreliable and fallible based on various factors such as nervousness ability to lie and believing ones own lies and asking the proper questions. I will do further research as the ones in my area run anywhere from about 3-600. I know it will be money well spent and will definitely aide in R. BTW things don't look good and I would never have done such a thing but I am not a scumbag POS either. So it seems that he was looking to see if it was his or trying to get some ass and neither option is good because it means that yes she was cheating and their relationship did not end as she states. I am glad and sad that I am not crazy or paranoid or looking for things that are not there. Now she has do her part for real and come clean. Its sad that the counselors we have seen have sought to figure if my childhood or my previous relationships may have affected my ability to trust and not to really address what she did to cause it. We have been to three and I quit after it became evident that they were more eager to focus on me and not the actual problem. I know I have anger issues now and little patience for her and have withdrawn into myself and have not extended any love since that day but truly we should figure out why she did what she did first and then get to how to deal with my anger and disillusionment and unwillingness to trust her or anything she says or does. Plus a plausible reason would be nice as I know why it happened and nothing has changed my initial assessment as of yet.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

they are pretty reliable unless she belives her lies 100% they will come out. i know shes reading this to but if she refuses to take it then you got your answers


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

While it seems cut n dry to me amd others some say she may be innocent and I would like to jear how you arrived at that assessment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

there is a chance she may be innocent. there is a chance i have a ocean front property to sell you in montana. you said yourself he was suprised when you answered the door, why? because you were not supposed to be there and there has to be more to her story. i would not let someone i supposedly havent seen more than once in a long time just show up and hold my kid for 2 sec and leave. and then she LIED about him right after and hid that they were friends from you when you 3 worked together, in fact the way they acted around each other you said it was like they didnt know each other. WHY!?!?!? to me and i could be wrong but she is HIDING stuff from you and she will never just give you the truth


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> While it seems cut n dry to me amd others some say she may be innocent and I would like to jear how you arrived at that assessment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're reading too much into that. 

People say she "may be innocent" because no one here, or you, can know anything for certain besides her and him. She MIGHT be telling the truth but going by what you say it's EXTREMELY unlikely that she is. Possible? Yes. That's why people say she "may be innocent". Doesn't mean it's likely.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

On the Marriagebuilders site the two of you posted. Why is she silent here?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I don't think she even needs to be here. She's just going to get flamed.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

True I was more wondering why offer the probability what do they see that allowa for that possibility? How could one see innocence or the probability thereof in this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> True I was more wondering why offer the probability what do they see that allowa for that possibility? How could one see innocence or the probability thereof in this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because anything is possible. That's just life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Let me clear up my portion, as I don't speak for anyone other than myself. 
She may be INNOCENT in not knowing why he showed up. That is absolutely it. I'm saying stop harping on that one point, she'll just build a wall on that truth. I'd let her have that one. 

You: "Cool, you told the truth about him showing up, it doesn't explain why you lied about your previous relationship with him and everything else. It doesn't explain why you felt you could tell me in an terrible moment like this, but not when we were sharing our old relationships before rebuilding our current relationship."

If I lie 10 times, then tell the truth once, it doesn't magically negate the other lies.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think there is reasonable doubt that this was a bad coincidence for your wife.But I think there are some white lies going around. Maybe she just decided that they are harmless and would damage the relationship. Something is a bit off from her story.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Harmless lies arbitrary decisions and how the hell does one think hey this may damage my relationship best to keep this in the dark if it is truly harmless. I understand that the probability no matter how unlikely could exist but was at a loss as to how to see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

resolutionseekers said:


> While it seems cut n dry to me amd others some say she may be innocent and I would like to jear how you arrived at that assessment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I discussed your situation with my misses, something in which i rarely do because she says this site puts too many ideas in my head. She assured me, that NO man... comes to see a baby of somebody he used to sleep with, unless he had alternative motives.

I then said, if this was pre-arranged by the wife, the surely she could of just texted this guy, saying, "DON'T COME, HUBBY'S HOME!" This would of only taken her 5 seconds. Like i said before, dudes fish... all the time. Doesn't matter if a chick has a ring on their finger or not. As with her initial lies... she probably thought that it would be damaging pointing out this one individual who you sorta knew, as somebody she once slept with. Then he shows up at the house... few woman, put in that immediate situation can come right out and seconds later state, "Oh him, the guy that was just holding our newborn, i used to bump ugles with him back in the day." You would of went through the roof!!! Instead, she took her time to think about how to approach it, and then came clean to you. Once again, not saying its okay. But i understand... sort of.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

I can get that in moment there was no easy way to say it. It's the shadiness of keeping me from knowing at first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

again res she lied there is soo much more to the story you dont know, just my.02 cents she and him arranged to meet that day. he came over cause she asked either to talk of have sex plain and simple. she has been doing stuff (not meaning sex, but talk texting hanging out) with him alot more than you know. get to the truth you deserve that


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

It does aeem like ot may not have neen planned. I kinda see the fishing idea but just after a baby is pretty scum baggy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Is it plausible that he was like yeah she just had a baby let me see what's up if she still digs me??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

resolutionseekers said:


> Is it plausible that he was like yeah she just had a baby let me see what's up if she still digs me??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can "what if" until you're blue in the face. Like people have been saying repeatedly anything is possible and anything is plausible. It's about what is likely. Her lying, along with his visit, the fact that she's cheated with this guy already when he already had a girlfriend, has still kept in contact with him even though she is married and has a child with you, and only seems to be telling you what you most likely would have put together on your own anyway makes it extremely unlikely that it was some innocent visit or she's being completely truthful.

You're not going to get some probability ratio or percentage of likelihood of whether she's telling the complete truth or whether he was there for ulterior motives or not. 

You need to let that line of thinking go. It's a waste of time and it isn't going to give you any answers anyway.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

You are right just still sorting out what sounds right and what doesn't meet the smell test. Just not sure what actions to take aside from poly. It looks bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Thanks again for all of the advice. Anyone else care to comment or offer their own insight. I do feel validated in some ways and have been given some interesting opinions all around on both sides.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i wish the best of luck to you i do with that said ive given you my .02 cents and will bid you adieu


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

It is entirely plausible that her version of events is correct.

But because of the way she lied to you it is also reasonable to assume the worst. She seemed to have no doubt about the paternity, but that doesn't mean they were not still seeing each other after conception. 

If this guy thought he would be with your wife he may have seen your kid because he thinks he will be in your kids future or he may have done this to undermine you. Sick I know.

Your wife may try to minimize what she did and pressure you to move on, but hold on a minute here. You knowing this guy as just a coworker when he had been with your wife is unacceptable. How many imes did you look this guy in the eye as a friend while he knew he had been with your wife? Being cuckolded like this is unacceptable.

Think about this. Is showing up at the house of a married ex to hold her newborn normal behavior? Especially while her husband is right there? Have you ever done this?

Does your wife recognize the gravity of the situation or is she trying to minimize this?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Polygraph today or drop her like a bad habit. Polygraph fail drop her like bad habit. Polygraph pass. So what. Drop her any way. I hate that cowardly chicken **** crap liars pull with TT. Shes a dirtbag keeping her options open. Dont like that then she changes jobs immediately, institutes no contact immediately and honors boundaries immediately. You dont remain friends with someone you used to **** when you get married. Duh! That dirtbag touched my kid, I would give him a beat down til he couldnt get up and I would send her with him They deserve each others becauase think they are slick and are both inappropriate. He wouldnt come around again looking for ANYTHING but his teeth.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

My sentiments exactly only he slithered away and I only saw once since out in public at a store . I can't go to jail for that pond scum but have taken appropriate action had I known who this scumbag really was he would have never made it past hello. Instead being duped and curious I let him in to find out what the hell was up. That too pisses me off cause I would have made sure he knew who I reallu was and that my family is mine and had better stay away for his own good. Instead I got sold a bill of goods and that bastard got away clean before i knew the truth as it were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Summer4744 said:


> It is entirely plausible that her version of events is correct.
> 
> But because of the way she lied to you it is also reasonable to assume the worst. She seemed to have no doubt about the paternity, but that doesn't mean they were not still seeing each other after conception.
> 
> ...


Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok one more question did you move into your wifes place or did she move in with you? my question if she moved in with you how did he get you address (wife gave it to him or hes been there plenty of times before)


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> ok one more question did you move into your wifes place or did she move in with you? my question if she moved in with you how did he get you address (wife gave it to him or hes been there plenty of times before)


Hers til we moved. I know she says he came over bwfore for a New Years Party with some people from the office. I know already no need to spell out what that implied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

not going to say a word you have all the proof the lies i wish you the best, not going to be easy for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

May have missed it, but have you had her do a polygraph yet?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unless I read this wrong---isn't this X-Lover of hers---the guy she cheated with during her 1st mge., and justified the cheating saying she was lonely---am I right or wrong

Go to police station---they will give you info. on the best operators around---and the best operator for the best price

You ain't gonna get this resovsoved or be satisfied, till you have answers---poly --good bad or indifferent---will give you insight---you need to do the poly


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: and :iagree:


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Hold on. One minute she says to you that unless the OM is mentally deficient then there is no ways he would think the child was his, because according to her they havent slept together for over 3 years, and babies come in 9 months, right?

Then you tell us, that you conceived the child on the night you got out of jail, having spent 3 weeks there.

hmmm now is where I would start crapping myself with worries and doubts...

Him showing up to see the baby and her really eager to do a paternity test suggests there was doubt in who the father was which suggests the OM was sewing his seed in your wife which confirms your initial gut feeling. 

The fact that you all worked together and you didnt even know they were friends shows how underground their relationship is. Must be kinda fun for them to get their jollies off with nobody the wiser...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I haven't read this thread in its entirety but have you considered just asking the OM why he stopped by? What his intentions were? If they were having sex while you were in jail? If he thought the baby could be his??

I mean some guys/people might surprise you and just tell the truth to clear the air or what have you...but yea...have you considered giving the guy a call or having your wife talk to him and putting him on speaker or the like? 

Just a thought...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> I discussed your situation with my misses, something in which i rarely do because she says this site puts too many ideas in my head. She assured me, that NO man... comes to see a baby of somebody he used to sleep with, unless he had alternative motives.
> 
> I then said, if this was pre-arranged by the wife, the surely she could of just texted this guy, saying, "DON'T COME, HUBBY'S HOME!" This would of only taken her 5 seconds. Like i said before, dudes fish... all the time. Doesn't matter if a chick has a ring on their finger or not. As with her initial lies... she probably thought that it would be damaging pointing out this one individual who you sorta knew, as somebody she once slept with. Then he shows up at the house... few woman, put in that immediate situation can come right out and seconds later state, "Oh him, the guy that was just holding our newborn, i used to bump ugles with him back in the day." You would of went through the roof!!! Instead, she took her time to think about how to approach it, and then came clean to you. Once again, not saying its okay. But i understand... sort of.


The OM thinks it is normal to cheat on his girlfriend. This also means he thinks other people are like him. I think he came over thinking she would be alone and see if she might be up for some afternoon delight..... Asking to see the baby was just him trying to make a quick excuse and keep from getting whipped. He did not realize it might break you up but then again he may be doing that on purpose.

If she had any idea he would be dropping by she would have warned him. If he new you were there he would not have come by, unless he was wanting to cause trouble. He sounds like the type who could care less about whose baby was whose, thats not why he came by, even if he would claim that now. He is a snake.

She would not volunteer/insist on a DNA test with only a 50/50 shot at being right. 

As far as the "lies" go, its hard to keep up with the timeline. What she did when you were not "together" and exclusive, is none of your business.

If you haven't, check all cell/text records. Land lines too. If they have had something going on there will be a trail.

Otherwise you got nothing but a player making a fishing expedition.

If you want to keep it you should put a ring on it. Unless you feel inadequate for some reason, could this be about you?


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

I am aware of what my gut says and what logic says which are equal. The poly has not neen done yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you have to strongly consider Chapparal's point. 

Everyone is saying the ONLY reason he could come by is to see the baby thinking it is his. Uh NO.

He could have come to see your wife!!!

Maybe he wanted to reconnect with her, see how she was doing and start up a sexual relationship again. I think his surprise to see you there was genuine and by the sound of how quickly he left, this makes sense. The baby was a last minute excuse to mask the obvious intention of seeing your wife.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

What kind of surprise is finding the husband in marital home?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked the texting records right after the visit. Has she contacted him since ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Have you checked the texting records right after the visit. Has she contacted him since ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No subsequent contact from the records
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

How transparent and open has your wife been during all this? What has her reaction been? Supportive? Remorseful over lying? Indifferent? Defensive? etc?


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Jasel said:


> How transparent and open has your wife been during all this? What has her reaction been? Supportive? Remorseful over lying? Indifferent? Defensive? etc?


Kind of a mixture. Nothing to disprove any wrong doing. Transparency etc. But not sure if she is truly remorseful about lying or getting caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gee, I bet a polygraph would affect that.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

resolutionseekers said:


> We have a problem that has pervaded our relation ship for years.
> - Red flag: the gut feeling
> 
> About a month after our daughter was born my wife’s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door _the ex said he didn’t know I was home_ and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her.
> ...


Only if there are more facts one could keep having a suspicious mind on this.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Only if there are more facts one could keep having a suspicious mind on this.


Indeed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> The ex lover came over because he thought it could be his kid.
> There is no other reason a man would put himself in the middle of the scenerio you describe.
> 
> Counseling for the two of you is totally worthless until your wife starts telling the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Or was looking to cause that kind of vibe in the mind of the husband?*

Why? Because he feels he needs payback against his ex lover?


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

When my first born son was born an ex showed, in fact, two ex's showed up out of the blue. One I hadn't seen in a good 5 years but still lived in town and the other one lived out of town and we only spoke when we ran into each other in a store or something. I was really surprised that they would show up like that and had no idea why until I asked. One wanted to be the father of my baby, how crazy is that? The other one wanted to see for himself that I was happy and that I was really being cared for properly. It was all completely innocent on my part, my partner felt threatened and he should be. Let him know there were people out there watching my back should he ever not treat me with respect. They are my ex's and there is a reason they are ex's and not currents. If I ever got a flat tire in a rain storm I know who to call.


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *Or was looking to cause that kind of vibe in the mind of the husband?*
> 
> Why? Because he feels he needs payback against his ex lover?


According to her they were still friends they didn't have a fallong out and kept in touch. So no reason to get back at her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> When my first born son was born an ex showed, in fact, two ex's showed up out of the blue. One I hadn't seen in a good 5 years but still lived in town and the other one lived out of town and we only spoke when we ran into each other in a store or something. I was really surprised that they would show up like that and had no idea why until I asked. One wanted to be the father of my baby, how crazy is that? The other one wanted to see for himself that I was happy and that I was really being cared for properly. It was all completely innocent on my part, my partner felt threatened and he should be. Let him know there were people out there watching my back should he ever not treat me with respect. They are my ex's and there is a reason they are ex's and not currents. If I ever got a flat tire in a rain storm I know who to call.


So you'd be okay with the reverse and your husbands exes showing up. To put you on notice that they have his back if you mistreat him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

He didn't come to see "his" child. He knew it wasn't his. He just came to see "his woman's" baby, as in his mind, and her heart clearly otherwise she would not have let him in the door, he still has a deeper hold over her heart (ownership) than the housemate/spermdonor she understandably settled down with as "complicated" reasons prevented them from entwining themselves completely and officially. They are lovers, not friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> One wanted to be the father of my baby, how crazy is that? The other one wanted to see for himself that I was happy and that I was really being cared for properly. It was all completely innocent on my part, my partner felt threatened and he should be. Let him know there were people out there watching my back should he ever not treat me with respect.


No crazier than you thinking it is okay to have ex's "watching my back."


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> He didn't come to see "his" child. He knew it wasn't his. He just came to see "his woman's" baby, as in his mind, and her heart clearly otherwise she would not have let him in the door, he still has a deeper hold over her heart (ownership) than the housemate/spermdonor she understandably settled down with as "complicated" reasons prevented them from entwining themselves completely and officially. They are lovers, not friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is what it looked and felt like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## resolutionseekers (Feb 7, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> Hold on. One minute she says to you that unless the OM is mentally deficient then there is no ways he would think the child was his, because according to her they havent slept together for over 3 years, and babies come in 9 months, right?
> 
> Then you tell us, that you conceived the child on the night you got out of jail, having spent 3 weeks there.
> 
> ...


I felt and feel the same. But she could be innocent and I could be paranoid but I think not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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