# Partner has ED. I feel like giving up!



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I am so fed up today. My partner developed ED after he cheated on me a year ago. I have tried to be as patient as possible but its been sheer hell for me at times.

We have done MC/IC to overcome the cheating part but its the sex that is stumping both of us from moving forward. Its created such a huge wedge between us and we argument about it every two weeks.

He has tried all kinds of medication and we have only had foreplay a handful of times in the seven months that we have reconciled properly. He finally took Viagra last week which worked. I was hoping that he would initiate more after that but its been another 8 days since.

I have asked him so many times to try initiating more and that it doesn't need to be PIV sex for me to be satisfied. Last night he says that I am being impatient with him as his ED wont be solved over night.

I am just going around in circles. I feel like handing in the towel.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Impatient!! Cant believe he would say that. We have had foreplay three times in seven months. That's it!

Or am I being impatient??? I don't know anymore. I have become so use to our problem that its become normal to feel frustrated, unhappy, annoyed, and the rest


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

I'm very sorry for your predicament.If I can recall,he had an EA/PA sometime ago and you forgive him.Look I'm sure he has done his share weightlifting in order reconcile.But,and his is a big but,you should not suffer the consequencies of his foolhardy actions.You've been patient enough with him and you seriously need to put a timeline on when this should resolved. Also make sure he understands that failure to resolve this within the set timeline will result in termination of this relationship.You've done all you can to weather the storm,the rest is up to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

biola said:


> I'm very sorry for your predicament.If I can recall,he had an EA/PA sometime ago and you forgive him.Look I'm sure he has done his share weightlifting in order reconcile.But,and his is a big but,you should not suffer the consequencies of his foolhardy actions.You've been patient enough with him and you seriously need to put a timeline on when this should resolved. Also make sure he understands that failure to resolve this within the set timeline will result in termination of this relationship.You've done all you can to weather the storm,the rest is up to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its my thoughts too. My patience is running low. I may have no choice but to end it. I cannot do another year of this


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Do you know what is causing the ED? Is is medical or mental? My big has suffered from both and it is very frustrati g for both of you I know! I will say my attitude and approach has a major impact on his performance and recovery from his epispodes. Interesting though....my big guy has had an affair many years ago...but when he gets ED he get really upset because it causes him added preasure because he all of sudden gets concerned that I might cheat on him...not that I ever would but I guess because he did and knows how easy it was he fears it being done to him. Heres a trick I use on big guy when he is having issues with ED....it lets him know I still have needs and he can still please me without his c**k. I spoon with him and put his hands on my breasts....then I pleasure myself .....he will usually get the idea pretty quick and start kissing me and enjoying the show. Sometimes it leads to PIV....sometimes to a bj. He always gets a hard on....I think its because all the pressure to perform is gone. If you search on my user name I have opened a couple threads on tips on EDyou might find interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You are not being impatient, you are frustrated and hurt. Whilst ED is absolutely devastating for a man, it can also have an enormous impact on his partner. You mention MC and IC, but I'm thinking that your H might benefit from a sex therapist, as his ED could well be psychological if it only started after his affair.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The ED drugs help with ability to have sex, not the desire to have sex. And especially, not the desire to have sex with someone specifically (I.e. you). 

In other words, he's not taking the drugs or dealing with the issue because he doesn't desire sex with you. Whether he hasn't let go of his OW or whether the issues that contributed to him looking outside the marriage, only he can tell you. But if he was remorseful of his affair and wanted to heal your marriage, you wouldn't have to be making your post.

C


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Do you know what is causing the ED? Is is medical or mental? My big has suffered from both and it is very frustrati g for both of you I know! I will say my attitude and approach has a major impact on his performance and recovery from his epispodes. Interesting though....my big guy has had an affair many years ago...but when he gets ED he get really upset because it causes him added preasure because he all of sudden gets concerned that I might cheat on him...not that I ever would but I guess because he did and knows how easy it was he fears it being done to him. Heres a trick I use on big guy when he is having issues with ED....it lets him know I still have needs and he can still please me without his c**k. I spoon with him and put his hands on my breasts....then I pleasure myself .....he will usually get the idea pretty quick and start kissing me and enjoying the show. Sometimes it leads to PIV....sometimes to a bj. He always gets a hard on....I think its because all the pressure to perform is gone. If you search on my user name I have opened a couple threads on tips on EDyou might find interesting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have foreplay but it doesn't happen a lot and I always have to instigate it. Like I mentioned..its happened only three times in seven months.

How often do you have sex ( foreplay, PIV etc) with him. How long ago was his A?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> You are not being impatient, you are frustrated and hurt. Whilst ED is absolutely devastating for a man, it can also have an enormous impact on his partner. You mention MC and IC, but I'm thinking that your H might benefit from a sex therapist, as his ED could well be psychological if it only started after his affair.


He is seeing a sex therapist but it hasn't changed him


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

PBear said:


> The ED drugs help with ability to have sex, not the desire to have sex. And especially, not the desire to have sex with someone specifically (I.e. you).
> 
> In other words, he's not taking the drugs or dealing with the issue because he doesn't desire sex with you. Whether he hasn't let go of his OW or whether the issues that contributed to him looking outside the marriage, only he can tell you. But if he was remorseful of his affair and wanted to heal your marriage, you wouldn't have to be making your post.
> 
> C


As far as I am concerned he has let go of the OW. It was a ONS and he confessed immediately due to guilt and shame. 

He just cant get an erection anymore. He swears that he is still attracted to me.

Who knows.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

with ED, attraction usually isnt the reason so don't let it effect your self worth

and as pointed out, ED drugs don't affect drive

it sounds as if there is a LD issue on top of the ED, and I assume T levels were tested prior to the meds as it that is standard.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> with ED, attraction usually isnt the reason so don't let it effect your self worth
> 
> and as pointed out, ED drugs don't affect drive
> 
> it sounds as if there is a LD issue on top of the ED, and I assume T levels were tested prior to the meds as it that is standard.


His T levels were low when he was checked out at the doctors...

Hell. maybe he does have low sex drive. Maybe it only turns him on when he cheats.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Its too frustrating to be lying next to a man who has no interest in sex with you. I cannot live like this for much longer. I have needs!

This is turning me into some sex starved idiot. I am masturbating three times as much. I even masturbated in the public washroom at work recently. I have never done that before.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> His T levels were low when he was checked out at the doctors...
> 
> Hell. maybe he does have low sex drive. Maybe it only turns him on when he cheats.


so why aren't they giving him testosterone treatments?
it could be an underlying reason why his drive is low


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so why aren't they giving him testosterone treatments?
> it could be an underlying reason why his drive is low


Because its up to him to sort himself out. I am so tired of "nagging" him. 

I just don't get him. I don't know if its because he doesn't want to make a big issue out of it ( although it clearly is an issue and has been for months) or if he is just not really interested in sex


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Is he still masturbating? Men with ED should stop masturbating because it helps tremendously with drive and confidence. Once this issue is resolved he can masturbate but for now he needs to stop. He is fulfilling his sex needs with masturbation rather than confronting the issues.

Trust me he is picking up on your impatience and disdain even if you are trying to hide it. We cured my H's ED with a little practice advice from ED forums and from turning my attitude around. He needs to feel like a man and this is making him feel like garbage...this is why he is losing interest in sex with you.

Why did he cheat on you? Were there relationship issues regarding sex?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> We have foreplay but it doesn't happen a lot and I always have to instigate it. Like I mentioned..its happened only three times in seven months.
> 
> How often do you have sex ( foreplay, PIV etc) with him. How long ago was his A?


His affair was many years ago...over 10yrs he still holds a lot of guilt and remorse for it though he has never forgiven himself for it. His first experience with ED ocurred after the affair. I am not sure I understand the not wanting to have sex at but three times in seven months....usually you go through hysterical bonding when you reconcile after an affair i thought. Even during his ED we try to have some form of intimacy every other day. I most always initiate also. As others have posted your response to the ED is critical to his success in overcoming it. If you are still bitter and hurt from the affair and now frustrated from his ED I imagine his is sensing this big time. My guess is he feels some real guilt and like he has failed in your eyes. Pressure and focus on his performance is only going to make him worse. Have you ever just said lets have forplay ...no sex...just intimacy? Let him pleasure you....then if he is turndd on you recipricate if not just cuddle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

FemBot said:


> Is he still masturbating? Men with ED should stop masturbating because it helps tremendously with drive and confidence. Once this issue is resolved he can masturbate but for now he needs to stop. He is fulfilling his sex needs with masturbation rather than confronting the issues.
> 
> Trust me he is picking up on your impatience and disdain even if you are trying to hide it. We cured my H's ED with a little practice advice from ED forums and from turning my attitude around. He needs to feel like a man and this is making him feel like garbage...this is why he is losing interest in sex with you.
> 
> Why did he cheat on you? Were there relationship issues regarding sex?


You are definitely right to say that he is picking up on my impatience and I know this is not helping him relax at all. But I feel I need help too. I don't know how to deal withy this and all its doin is feeding my insecurities. I also desparately need help.

What ED forums do you know of. That may help me understand his issua better.

We were together for about a year and we were engaged. We were in the honeymoon stage so everything was great. Our sexlife was great too. He cheated on me about two weeks after our engagement party. It was with an ex whom he was seeing about three years ago. He clearly still had sexual feelings for her cause they had sex after the third meeting. Anyway he was devastated by what he had done.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Hibiscus they aren't ED forums per se but forums where the subject is being discussed between males. I Googled "performance anxiety forums" and read through whatever came up. There is one that is an anxiety forum which I found helpful. 

The common thread was a deep desire to please the girl they were with and worry about that. Worry about what she's thinking, worry about how hard they are and how long they will stay hard etc. a lot of the worry comes from not feeling good enough. How are you making him feel that way? When I didn't understand what was happening I questioned his sexual orientation and compared him to my ex bf's....SO WRONG! But like you I was so hurt and frustrated and would just blow up. Then I'd start telling him what to do and he never listened and I'd get even angrier. The truth is neither of us knew what to do. I was coming at it from a place of hurt and he was coming from a place of shame...sexy huh?!

Reading through the forums helped me understand it wasn't about his desire for me. I heard men time and time again say how "hot" their partner was and how desperately they wanted to have sex but couldn't because of their thought loop. 

If you look through my posts you will see a couple of my own posts on this issue for tips to try. Good luck


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

FemBot said:


> Hibiscus they aren't ED forums per se but forums where the subject is being discussed between males. I Googled "performance anxiety forums" and read through whatever came up. There is one that is an anxiety forum which I found helpful.
> 
> The common thread was a deep desire to please the girl they were with and worry about that. Worry about what she's thinking, worry about how hard they are and how long they will stay hard etc. a lot of the worry comes from not feeling good enough. How are you making him feel that way? When I didn't understand what was happening I questioned his sexual orientation and compared him to my ex bf's....SO WRONG! But like you I was so hurt and frustrated and would just blow up. Then I'd start telling him what to do and he never listened and I'd get even angrier. The truth is neither of us knew what to do. I was coming at it from a place of hurt and he was coming from a place of shame...sexy huh?!
> 
> ...


Okay I will read through them tomorrow at work. Can't at the moment cause my partner will be home any min but your post is making sense to me because you are describing both our frustrations to the core 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

mineforever said:


> His affair was many years ago...over 10yrs he still holds a lot of guilt and remorse for it though he has never forgiven himself for it. His first experience with ED ocurred after the affair. I am not sure I understand the not wanting to have sex at but three times in seven months....usually you go through hysterical bonding when you reconcile after an affair i thought. Even during his ED we try to have some form of intimacy every other day. I most always initiate also. As others have posted your response to the ED is critical to his success in overcoming it. If you are still bitter and hurt from the affair and now frustrated from his ED I imagine his is sensing this big time. My guess is he feels some real guilt and like he has failed in your eyes. Pressure and focus on his performance is only going to make him worse. Have you ever just said lets have forplay ...no sex...just intimacy? Let him pleasure you....then if he is turndd on you recipricate if not just cuddle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

To mineforever

Yes I have suggested just to have foreplay and we have done that. I guess it's a new issue for the two of us as I am not use to being with a man who has ED. I take it very personally and think he is not attracted to me anymore. I guess I am over sensitive because the ED was triggered from his A. The A was enough to put me into a deep depression about being inadequate so dealing with is ED is just double whammy for me. I know I now I need to be more patient but I get days when I want to scream. I can't cope.

So it's been ten years since his A. Has it become easier for you to trust him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Yes I have suggested just to have foreplay and we have done that. I guess it's a new issue for the two of us as *I am not use to being with a man who has ED*. I take it very personally and think he is not attracted to me anymore. I guess I am over sensitive because the ED was triggered from his A. The A was enough to put me into a deep depression about being inadequate so dealing with is ED is just double whammy for me. I know I now I need to be more patient but I get days when I want to scream. I can't cope.
> 
> So it's been ten years since his A. Has it become easier for you to trust him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I am sure he knows it, and is mentally comparing himself to every guy you've ever been with, and he is always coming up short.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'll come out and admit it... I've had ED issues. But the big difference is I'll move heaven and earth (and spend big bucks) to make sure our sex life with my SO is as satisfying as it can possibly be. 

If he doesn't want to address the situation, it's because he doesn't care about fulfilling your needs. It might be that he doesn't have an issue so he's able to disregard "your" issue. It might be that he doesn't want sex. It might be that be doesn't want sex with you. In any case, nothing is likely to change until you kick his ass hard enough to wake him up. He's the only one that can take the steps necessary to resolve the issue. You can do a lot to support him, you can do a lot to derail him. But you can't do it for him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He could feel worthless and less than a man because of these issues. Then he gets worried that he will have a problem and it is a terrible cycle.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Handling ED wrong can do irreparable damage to the relationship, and unfortunately, the woman is in the position to do the most damage.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Handling ED wrong can do irreparable damage to the relationship, and unfortunately, the woman is in the position to do the most damage.


I agree with you and that's why I need direction to handle this better. I use to be in a marriage a while back and was with a HD husband who wanted it every day. I was happy with just twice a week after ten years of marriage. I hated the pressure he gave me and it put me off wanting sex with him.

I don't want to do that to my current partner but he is also very embarrassed about his ED and would rather do nothing about it. He doesn't want to make it a problem when it clearly is. I know he has low sex drive but he says he loves me, finds me sexy and wants a future with me. So that means he needs to be more proactive to make our relationship work.

We had a talk last night and this is what we will do to make our sex life a little bit more natural:

He is to take a Viagra pill without needing to let me know as I am ready for it anytime! This will put less emphasis on the planning of our sex which has be a turn off for both of us. But he is to take them on a regular bais..not six months down the road.
In the meantime I want to initiate foreplay with him in the bedroom without getting rejected.

I am hoping this is gonna take the edge of our sexual tension we have both created together.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I will give a much more detailed respoonse in a few hours as this is VERY similar to the situation with my STBW. Stay tuuned...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I will give a much more detailed respoonse in a few hours as this is VERY similar to the situation with my STBW. Stay tuuned...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look forward to your response


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I am almost 41 and my STBW is almost 38. We have been together for a year now and have dealt with this from the get go. I came out of a 17 year marrige with the last four years being sexless. She has a very robust past and came out of a 14 year marriage to a HD man who demanded daily sex and blowjobs. The first couple of times we tried intercourse, things didn't work at all and by the third time, she flipped out. Told me how she had never had a man have this problem, and that I must not be attracted to her and that if this didn't get fixed, she saw no future in our relationship no matter how great of a guy I was. She asked if I had ever had this problem with my ex, and I honestly answered no. In other words, she handled things the exact wrong way.

It was very rough for me because she threw her entire past in my face. Considering her past, it was very surprising to me that at 37 years old, she had never developed skills dealing with having to arouse a man through foreplay and just figured that laying there naked was all it took. She thought all men got hard with a change in the breeze, and is still somewhat under the impression that men can control whether they get hard or not. 

It is a continuing frustration and we are continuing to work through it. I did go see a doctor right away once I realized just how big of an issue this would be, and I was given a script for Viagra. It has worked wonders, but has not completely eliminated the problem. Viagra is not the instant hard on pill that she thought it was. Desire and arousal still have to be there, and your mind has to be into it as well for it to work at all. Performance anxiety and other stress can still kill it even with Viagra. She was aware that I saw the doctor, and got a script, and that really helped because it showed her that I was being proactive and actually cared about this. She just didn't want to know when I was taking the pills.

Since things have started to work more regularly, we have still had a few complete failures, though the last one was probably six months ago. We had a pretty good arguement with me getting upset that she didn't even attempt to help me out. I don't think she is selfish in bed at all, but it still astounds me that I think she just didn't know any better. She has since learned that sometimes, I do need a little help, and a couple of minutes with her mouth, we're back in business.

My ED has changed form a bit from time to time. There was one time where I was hard as a rock and she started blowing me, and it went down within a couple of minutes. Rather than keep going, she understandably flipped out and again, said she'd never had that happen before and would never give me another bj again since I obviously didn't like them. Again, she handled the situation horribly, we had another argument and it set us way back. Needless to say, we worked through that and she gives bj's again. It has gone soft a couple of other times, but she has kept going and things worked fine within a couple of minutes. I have not gone soft during a bj for a few months, and her technique has gotten better, and more tailored to my body.

A couple of weeks ago, we were in the middle of foreplay, and while she was rubbing me, it began to go soft and she stopped and wanted to know what she was doing wrong. I told her it was her engagement ring cutting into me, and it was. Then, just a couple of days ago, we were in the middle of foreplay again, and it went soft with her hand after being hard before she started. She stopped everything and flipped out again. We argued again, and the emotional part has been worked through, but I am going to talk to her about the technique. The kicker is, after the initial fight, things were working fine again, and we had great sex. That usually happens after we have the arguement.

A few things have worked for us when I start to get soft. The first thing is that I have stopped worrying about it because I know she will help me out if I need it. Usually I am hard as a rock when we begin foreplay, but if things go too long, I may get soft, so sometimes I get my O first. She is more than fine with that because she knows she will get hers in spades. Other times, rather than me going first, or her helping me get hard with her mouth, though she is tight as hell, I get her so wet, that I can go inside her almost completely soft, and work it till it's hard which usually takes only a couple of minutes. She actually enjoys this because she likes the feeling of me getting hard inside of her, and also there is a point before I am completely hard, that everything is just right for me to hit her g-spot perfectly.

I know that emotionally, this has been very difficult for her. She has been with many men, and has learned to equate a hard penis with their desire for her, and her experience with me has turned that upside down. She is having to relearn the only thing she has ever known and assumed as absolute truth. She has not really taken much iniative to dig very deeply into the ED issue for herself, and has for the most part taken her queue's from me which is fine, but part of me wished she would, and for which I applaud you, hibiscus.

It frustrates me that she is still having a difficult time accepting that none of this is a relection of her, or my desire for her. I desire her more than I have any woman ever, and I let her know that in all kinds of ways in and out of the bedroom. It also frustrates me that she has a difficult time forcusing on the success we have had, and lets the failures overshadow them. Every time we have the arguement, it does set us back. The anxiety sets back in for both of us, and she knows this. Beyond her own insecurities, every time things don't work right and she has to help me out, the feelings of inadequacy come out, I begin to compare myself to her past, and when she expresses her frustration and insecurities, it enhances the downward spiral. For the most part, she does a very good job controlling her hurt and frustration, but in order to not have any set backs, she needs to control it 100% which is unrealistic. We have very good communication in every aspect of our relationship, and this is no different, so we are able to work through things without any lasting hurt. 

Before we started dating, we agreed that 2-3 times per week was the level we were at based on our pasts. Since we started dating, the spark exploded, and we have copious amounts of sex. We both want it daily, and often do it multiple times per day and have been that way since October of last year, with probably less than ten days without it, and it shows no sign of slowing down.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I am almost 41 and my STBW is almost 38. We have been together for a year now and have dealt with this from the get go. I came out of a 17 year marrige with the last four years being sexless. She has a very robust past and came out of a 14 year marriage to a HD man who demanded daily sex and blowjobs. The first couple of times we tried intercourse, things didn't work at all and by the third time, she flipped out. Told me how she had never had a man have this problem, and that I must not be attracted to her and that if this didn't get fixed, she saw no future in our relationship no matter how great of a guy I was. She asked if I had ever had this problem with my ex, and I honestly answered no. In other words, she handled things the exact wrong way.
> 
> It was very rough for me because she threw her entire past in my face. Considering her past, it was very surprising to me that at 37 years old, she had never developed skills dealing with having to arouse a man through foreplay and just figured that laying there naked was all it took. She thought all men got hard with a change in the breeze, and is still somewhat under the impression that men can control whether they get hard or not.
> 
> ...


Samyeagar thank you so much for your post. I have been experiencing the exact same situations and emotions as to what you wrote. I clearly see that I am taking it far too personally and I need to relax and give my partner the space to feel comfortable again. 
Like your STBW, my conventional view on sex and erections has been turned upside down. I have to stop letting this feed my own insecurities. I just find it difficult to not get upset sometimes but this is something that I need stop doing. Or I need to communicate in a gentler manner rather than flipping out. 

I spoke with my partner yesterday and told him that I will stop clock watching as I know this is not helping with his anxiety. But we are to still try doing foreplay on a regular basis.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Well I initiated foreplay sunday morning and he got an erection without taking Viagra. )
His erection stayed with him throughout the entire time. 

Then later on when we went back to bed and I gave him a BJ. He said it was "lovely". )

Onwards and upwards....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Well I initiated foreplay sunday morning and he got an erection without taking Viagra. )
> His erection stayed with him throughout the entire time.
> 
> Then later on when we went back to bed and I gave him a BJ. He said it was "lovely". )
> ...


That is awesome! Don't be surprised however if the issue persists from time to time, and be careful how you deal with it. Remember, he has no direct control over it working correctly. A bad reaction will be a set back.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We had another episode on Saturday afternoon. Hard as a rock when we started. 10-15 minutes into foreplay and getting her off, it went down, and this time wouldn't come back up. No issue was made out of it. We did it twice Saturday night into Sunday morning.

One thing I have also found is that she is very receptive to is me going first. That kind of goes against conventional wisdom, but with me, it doesn't take much to get her juices flowing, sometimes just a look, and she is ready very quickly, so about half the time I will go first. She doesn't mind because she knows she will get hers in spades.

We could probably have her go first more often through oral or fingers if I went straight to it, but I like taking my time and just playing for a while, and she loves it too. By me going first, we both get ours in the way we like it, and no hurt feelings at all. She has the added bonus of g-spot O's half the time too, so some of those times when we go straight to PIV, she get's that too.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That is awesome! Don't be surprised however if the issue persists from time to time, and be careful how you deal with it. Remember, he has no direct control over it working correctly. A bad reaction will be a set back.


We are going through a bad spell again! Things improved with the quantity and quality of our sex but I was still initiating it every time. Its been four weeksof no sex . I blew my lid this morning.

He has absolutely no sex drive at all! How is this possible? Its been 10 months that we have reconciled and 13 months since DDAy. Surely this would have been sorted out by now?

When I ask him why he doesn't initiate he says he doesn't know. He is still seeing a sex therapist.

I am very frustrated and annoyed again.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

He say that I am clock watching and its turning him off..

But if I don't say anything then nothing will happen for weeks on end. For example its been four weeks. He cuddles and tells me he loves me everyday, gives me flowers but NOTHING happens in the bedroom. I have told him that I am not bothered about PIV either. 

Foreplay will suffice. BUt nothing!

He was so angry with me for mentioning it. "Here you go again!" He said.

Someone help me please. I am that close to calling it a day again


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> You are not being impatient, you are frustrated and hurt. Whilst ED is absolutely devastating for a man, it can also have an enormous impact on his partner. You mention MC and IC, but I'm thinking that your H might benefit from a sex therapist, as his ED could well be psychological if it only started after his affair.


I can only reiterate what I said above. If your H continues to avoid all intimacy with you, and refuses to address the problem, you have to decide whether you are prepared to accept this or divorce him.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Funny you post this this morning. We had a pretty bad episode last night actually. I had been horny as hell all day, and let her know. We had been bantering and building the tensin all day and when we got into bed I didn't respond immediately. After a few minutes of me touching, kissing, all that, she sort of half assed started touching me a bit and after a couple minutes of that she said "You'll forgive me if you don't seem to be painfully horny like you said you were." and that just absolutely killed it for me.

I know my body well enough to knw if it's ging to work or not. Lat night was for the most part my fault I guess. I was probably expecting her to be a mind reader. I should have just told her flat out that I wanted her to do the touching, kissing all that on me, but the complete lack of iniative and then that comment just turned me totally off.

The funny thing was, I physically took her head and moved her to my neck and chest and she started kissing me a bit after that comment, and sure enough, it got right up. She stopped the kissing then and she kept rubbing for a while while I just laid there. Eventually it just went down, and we went to sleep. Even though we've talked about it, sometimes she still just doesn't get that men need the forplay too.

We'll talk abot this, and it'll be fine. I know I handled things wrong, and I will apologize for that. Right now though, she is still asleep this morning, I am still horny as hell, but honestly would rather rub one out myself than have her touch me. Like I said, we'll talk, and that will change before we have a chance to do anything again.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I can only reiterate what I said above. If your H continues to avoid all intimacy with you, and refuses to address the problem, you have to decide whether you are prepared to accept this or divorce him.
> 
> I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP.


He has been seeing a sex therapist for months. He will have intimacy with me but ONLY if I ask him to. He never intiates it first. If I left him to initiate then nothing happens for weeks. I give him about a month and then get very frustrated when nothing happens.

But yet he says I don't give him enough time


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Funny you post this this morning. We had a pretty bad episode last night actually. I had been horny as hell all day, and let her know. We had been bantering and building the tensin all day and when we got into bed I didn't respond immediately. After a few minutes of me touching, kissing, all that, she sort of half assed started touching me a bit and after a couple minutes of that she said "You'll forgive me if you don't seem to be painfully horny like you said you were." and that just absolutely killed it for me.
> 
> I know my body well enough to knw if it's ging to work or not. Lat night was for the most part my fault I guess. I was probably expecting her to be a mind reader. I should have just told her flat out that I wanted her to do the touching, kissing all that on me, but the complete lack of iniative and then that comment just turned me totally off.
> 
> ...


How often do you have sex? How long have you been together?


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Is he taking any anti-depressants, or blood pressure medicines? They caused my ED until I figured it out. Killed my libido as well.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Is he taking any anti-depressants, or blood pressure medicines? They caused my ED until I figured it out. Killed my libido as well.


No he is not taking any tablets. He is a very fit and healthy 41 male who works out four times a week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> No he is not taking any tablets. He is a very fit and healthy 41 male who works out four times a week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry what your going through, usually it's the other way around, wife not interested. That's my situation, she has no desire for it and is reluctantly providing when I press for it. I have just about given up as well, last event in the middle of the heavy business she asks me if I put my toothbrush away, her mind was definitely somewhere else. That ended that.

ED destroyed my confidence, your SO is probably embarrassed with lost confidence and is avoiding because he is afraid he will fail. That's how I felt, I couldn't even remain hard to take care of myself, makes life not worth living for a guy. Fortunately my Dr and I figured it out.

Have you gone with him to his see therapy?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Since you say he is very fit....is it just.possible that some wrong exercise has caused this ed


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> How often do you have sex? How long have you been together?


We have been together a little over a year, and have been having sex 10-15 times per week the whole time. She is 38 and I am 41.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> ...We'll talk abot this, and it'll be fine. I know I handled things wrong, and I will apologize for that. Right now though, she is still asleep this morning, I am still horny as hell, but honestly would rather rub one out myself than have her touch me. Like I said, we'll talk, and that will change before we have a chance to do anything again.


As I said here, we did talk about it. I did apologize for expecting her to be a mind reader She did acknowledge she still has a hard time taking the lead, and equating hard ons with sexual desire. She then jumped my bones.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> I'm sorry what your going through, usually it's the other way around, wife not interested. That's my situation, she has no desire for it and is reluctantly providing when I press for it. I have just about given up as well, last event in the middle of the heavy business she asks me if I put my toothbrush away, her mind was definitely somewhere else. That ended that.
> 
> ED destroyed my confidence, your SO is probably embarrassed with lost confidence and is avoiding because he is afraid he will fail. That's how I felt, I couldn't even remain hard to take care of myself, makes life not worth living for a guy. Fortunately my Dr and I figured it out.
> 
> Have you gone with him to his see therapy?


Yes its soul destroying when your partner doesn't want to know.
What has your Dr recommended? 
I understand what ED does to a man so I always let my partner know that PIV sex is not important to me. I tell him that we can have foreplay instead. But even that seems like an effort to him. 

When our sex was good, he never did any foreplay so I am guessing that its something new to him.

At the moment he prefers to see the therapist on his own.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

im_tam said:


> Since you say he is very fit....is it just.possible that some wrong exercise has caused this ed


I doubt it. I think its phycological. Cant spell the word.lol


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

phsycological???


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> We have been together a little over a year, and have been having sex 10-15 times per week the whole time. She is 38 and I am 41.


BLIMEY!! That's a lot! When I got together with my partner we were at it three times a day...when we got to bed, middle of the night and first thing in the morning. It then dwindled to once a week within two months. After a year it went to zero after he cheated. I am 42 and my partner is 41.

How do you get all that sex time into a day? And do you always have an erection? Do you always instigate or does she?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> As I said here, we did talk about it. I did apologize for expecting her to be a mind reader She did acknowledge she still has a hard time taking the lead, and equating hard ons with sexual desire. She then jumped my bones.


Like you said...the issues never go away.

My partner and I had a long talk yesterday.We had a terrible day yesterday, close to splitting up. He says he is going to make more effort to initiate. At least once every two weeks.

He has said this before so we will see.It is clearly very difficult for him to have any form of sex....Bizarre. But that's a person with a low or non existent sex drive.

In the meantime I need to find my patience again.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> BLIMEY!! That's a lot! When I got together with my partner we were at it three times a day...when we got to bed, middle of the night and first thing in the morning. It then dwindled to once a week within two months. After a year it went to zero after he cheated. I am 42 and my partner is 41.
> 
> How do you get all that sex time into a day? And do you always have an erection? Do you always instigate or does she?


I can count the number of days we have NOT had sex on two hands, so at least once a day almost every day, weekends, three or four times a day, and through out the week, a few days of two or more. Usually evening after work, and then before falling asleep. Rarely in the morning as she is not a big fan of morning sex.

I do take viagra several times per week, so I usualy do have an erection, though sometimes it is much hard to achieve than others, and sometimes, though much more rarely now it doesn't happen at all. I still take care of her though when that happens.

As far as initiating, most of the time it is very difficult to tell who actually initiated as there is usualy some form of sex play through out the day. The times where it is obvious that someone is initiating, she does a bit more than i do.



hibiscus said:


> Like you said...the issues never go away.
> 
> My partner and I had a long talk yesterday.We had a terrible day yesterday, close to splitting up. He says he is going to make more effort to initiate. At least once every two weeks.
> 
> ...


See, I think this is the difference. Both my STBW and I are HD. Well, HD for each other. In our marriages, she was locked at 2-3 times per week, some of it duty sex, myself, I was sexless for four years, and 2-3 times per week before that. With each other, the sexual chemistry has exploded.

She has had many partners before me, and has never had a man who likes forplay, or afterglow, and this has kind of been an adjustment for her. I absolutely love both of those. She does too, but when she is used to men who are hard in an instant and ready to go, it has been something for her to unlearn. This does put pressure on me feeling like I am not as virile and all that. She also never learned the art of forplay for men, and has a strong association in her mind between an erection and desire for her. Two difficult things for us to over come.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Well my doctor suspected my medications right away. My issue turned out to be a beta blocker and a anti-depressant. The beta blocker caused the ED, the anti-depressant made almost impossible to orgasm no matter how hard I tried. 

From what you have said he does have some performance anxiety but the viagra did help that, but the biggest issue is he is not wanting it and its almost as if he is giving you pity sex. 

Are you absolutely sure this ONS is not more than that and that he did not take it deep underground. Do some investigation. I know he told you out of guilt and the feeling of betrayal but he is betraying you right now with not providing for your needs. 

I would insist on going to his sex therapy sessions and tell him this is it, we either get this resolved or there is no point going forward. 

Its hard for me to accept that he was virile up until he had an affair and now all of a sudden is uninterested in sex. Something is not right.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> See, I think this is the difference. Both my STBW and I are HD. Well, HD for each other. In our marriages, she was locked at 2-3 times per week, some of it duty sex, myself, I was sexless for four years, and 2-3 times per week before that. With each other, the sexual chemistry has exploded.
> 
> She has had many partners before me, and has never had a man who likes forplay, or afterglow, and this has kind of been an adjustment for her. I absolutely love both of those. She does too, but when she is used to men who are hard in an instant and ready to go, it has been something for her to unlearn. This does put pressure on me feeling like I am not as virile and all that. She also never learned the art of forplay for men, and has a strong association in her mind between an erection and desire for her. Two difficult things for us to over come.


My partner doesn't even know what foreplay means. He is a straight PIV type of man so when he couldn't get an erection he didn't see any point in having sex. I am teaching him the art of foreplay but its taking him a long time to grasp it.

I basically have to lead him by telling him what to do with me. Every time.

It certainly helps with you are in sync with your partner's sexdrive. Ours is totally out of wack at the moment but I am hoping it will get better.

We had a great little session last night and he didn't even take a Viagra.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Well my doctor suspected my medications right away. My issue turned out to be a beta blocker and a anti-depressant. The beta blocker caused the ED, the anti-depressant made almost impossible to orgasm no matter how hard I tried.
> 
> From what you have said he does have some performance anxiety but the viagra did help that, but the biggest issue is he is not wanting it and its almost as if he is giving you pity sex.
> 
> ...


tdwal I have quizzed and interrogated him a thousand times over this and he always says the same.

His shame from cheating has triggered off an old anxiety from his past. In his early twenties he suffered a football injury and lost one of his testicles. He was so self conscious of feeling "abnormal" that he seeked councelling and didn't date a woman for many years.

When he had his ONS he was so ashamed. He totally beat himself up and felt he was the most stupid man in the world for doing what he did. It triggered off a lot of old insecurities. Including the poor self image one....which has affected his sex drive.

I use to demand sex off him... which triggered ED... which made me feel worse...which made me shout at him..which put him off even further etc etc. Forums on this topic has been a tremendous help but its a slow process.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> I would insist on going to his sex therapy sessions and tell him this is it, we either get this resolved or there is no point going forward.


This is what I said to him on the weekend. He either needs to instigate more( more foreplay is fine with me) at least once every two weeks OR he needs to be on his own and let me go.

He doesn't want the latter so we will see.

But last night was a good night.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> tdwal I have quizzed and interrogated him a thousand times over this and he always says the same.
> 
> His shame from cheating has triggered off an old anxiety from his past. In his early twenties he suffered a football injury and lost one of his testicles. He was so self conscious of feeling "abnormal" that he seeked councelling and didn't date a woman for many years.
> 
> ...


Yeah that is a big missing piece that explains a lot.

I had a college roommate that had the same testicle issue. i went to high school with him and was a good church friend. Never knew he had that issue but when he and i roomed together in college I noticed that about 3am he would get up and go take showers. At that time we had communal shower rooms, he was so ashamed of it he let it affect his life that severely. I never understood the uneasiness because guys did not look at each other when showering. Funny but I caught up with him recently after 30 years and he never married.

To expose your personal flaws to a someone you need to really trust the other person. He might be feeling since he betrayed you that you cannot not possibly trust him and is afraid to open up. So I can see how it can have affected him so strongly. For what its worth, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to assure him that it is not an issue with you. 

Keep after him, sounds like he is responding to it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Yeah that is a big missing piece that explains a lot.
> 
> I had a college roommate that had the same testicle issue. i went to high school with him and was a good church friend. Never knew he had that issue but when he and i roomed together in college I noticed that about 3am he would get up and go take showers. At that time we had communal shower rooms, he was so ashamed of it he let it affect his life that severely. I never understood the uneasiness because guys did not look at each other when showering. Funny but I caught up with him recently after 30 years and he never married.
> 
> ...


I have told him that he is perfect but it doesn't change how he feels about himself.I guess it would be the same as a woman losing a breast. Correct?

He also has a fear that I will cheat on him because of his ONS and because of our non existent sexlife. I can only reassure him time and time again that I would never do so.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I have told him that he is perfect but it doesn't change how he feels about himself.I guess it would be the same as a woman losing a breast. Correct?
> 
> He also has a fear that I will cheat on him because of his ONS and because of our non existent sexlife. I can only reassure him time and time again that I would never do so.


I guess different people would react different ways, some might see it the same as losing a breast but me personally would not see it as that way. 

Man you got a lot going on with your friend and her infidelity and your SO is surely reacting to that as well. Not the way I would think he would react, he seems to fear that he will lose you and I would think he would be hysterical bonding to make sure he didn't.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tdwal said:


> I guess different people would react different ways, some might see it the same as losing a breast but me personally would not see it as that way.
> 
> Man you got a lot going on with your friend and her infidelity and your SO is surely reacting to that as well. Not the way I would think he would react, he seems to fear that he will lose you and I would think he would be hysterical bonding to make sure he didn't.


I wish he was doing some hysterical bonding! Would be lovely lol :smthumbup:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> I wish he was doing some hysterical bonding! Would be lovely lol :smthumbup:


Hibiscus when you say foreplay, tell us exactly what that means to you because the word actually means different things to different people. For some women it starts with flowers and love letters from their partners. Some isolate the word to sex only.

Are you wanting oral and digital pleasuring from him? If so, has he ever expressed a dislike of giving you oral? Some men, no matter how clean their partners are, no matter how good the hygiene, simply have an aversion to going down on ANY woman. It is a mental thing. 

Way back when i was a pup, I didn't like giving a woman oral because of the strange smell. But I pushed through and once I realized how much pleasure I good give a woman doing that, all my hang ups disappeared and I love to go down on a woman now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Hibiscus when you say foreplay, tell us exactly what that means to you because the word actually means different things to different people. For some women it starts with flowers and love letters from their partners. Some isolate the word to sex only.
> 
> Are you wanting oral and digital pleasuring from him? If so, has he ever expressed a dislike of giving you oral? Some men, no matter how clean their partners are, no matter how good the hygiene, simply have an aversion to going down on ANY woman. It is a mental thing.
> 
> ...


Foreplay as in sex. Oral, caressing, deep kissing, masturbating each other. I am a very open lady and will do most things.I am even happy with just once a week.Funny how I have settled with someone totally opposite to me.

He has given me oral twice in nearly two years. I asked him if he found this to be repulsive. No he says. He even enjoys sex once we are having it. Its getting him to want it. That's low sex drive for you. No passion. I wish he would grab me in the kitchen sometimes. Oh well.

Its just not in his nature to do foreplay. He is a straight PIV man.
I am trying to change him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hibiscus said:


> Foreplay as in sex. Oral, caressing, deep kissing, masturbating each other. I am a very open lady and will do most things.I am even happy with just once a week.Funny how I have settled with someone totally opposite to me.
> 
> He has given me oral twice in nearly two years. I asked him if he found this to be repulsive. No he says. He even enjoys sex once we are having it. Its getting him to want it. That's low sex drive for you. No passion. I wish he would grab me in the kitchen sometimes. Oh well.
> 
> ...


unfortunatly you can't change anybody. only yourself.

some people get sex and are into pleasing their partner and some just want to be pleased.

this problem come up alot on here and I don't think I ever seen someone post that after years of being in a lopside marriage sexually that things changed.

once in a blue moon someone will post that things have gotten alittle better only to have it slip back to the status que.

He cheated on you and now he don't want to or care about what you like sexually.

people who lie when you ask them point blank questions. do you like giving oral and foreplay .....yes . But then never do it lied.

his actions speak louder than words. quit listening to his words and start believing his actions.

sorry but thats what I've learned.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your only engaged?

my advice is to hit the road a running.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> your only engaged?
> 
> my advice is to hit the road a running.


Chillymorn I don't know your entire story and I am sorry if it didn't work out but yes I am engaged and yes I believe my fiancé and I will overcome this. 

I wont be running anywhere as I made the choice to R.

Peace


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> He cheated on you and now he don't want to or care about what you like sexually.
> 
> *Read my posts before you make such sweeping statement.Its not his fault that he suffers from ED or low sex drive. He didn't choose to be this way and it certainly doesn't indicate that he doesn't care. You need to learn about ED. *
> 
> ...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just sayin that most often it dosen't change.
read the many threads about this situation. If he it trying then why isn't he giving you oral and foreplay?

what exactly constitutes trying? just telling you he will try but never going throught with it isn't trying in my opinion.

only you can really know if hes trying or not. by what you wrote it dosen't seem like hes trying.

my story .......lol whats it matter what my story is? I will tell you I wish I had the fourm before I got married. and real life experiance from scores of people who lived through situation and ended up very dissapointed later when things never really changed. 

you have a unique situation where you can decide if this is a deal breaker or not knowing that most of the time people like your BF won't turn into the sexual vixen you would like or need to be in a happy marriage.

I sorry if I come off as a bitter man that tells everybody to run. I really am not. 

But my opinion is if the writing is on the wall (by there actions or inactions) you should listen to your self and make an honest assessment.

so here is the question that I think you need to ask your self.

If he dosen't change to meet your sexual needs will you be happy being married to someone like that the rest of your life. then throw kids and mixed finances into it and you got a recire for a very unhappy marriage. which might create a cirmustance where cheating could surface.

its all your decission in the end.

good luck


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Chillymorn like I said he is trying. I don't post every single detail of my life on here so you wont know half of it. And I mean that in a respectful way.

And yes its a huge leap of faith to trust a cheater again. But I have gone past that stage and I have made the decision to R with him. And if it doesn't work out then I am big enough and old enough to pick myself up and carry on with life. I am not afraid of a man lol

And for some reason I thought you were a woman. No idea why.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

On another note.

Does anyone have any info on testosterone shots?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hibiscus said:


> Chillymorn like I said he is trying. I don't post every single detail of my life on here so you wont know half of it. And I mean that in a respectful way.
> 
> And yes its a huge leap of faith to trust a cheater again. But I have gone past that stage and I have made the decision to R with him. And if it doesn't work out then I am big enough and old enough to pick myself up and carry on with life. I am not afraid of a man lol
> 
> And for some reason I thought you were a woman. No idea why.


you didn't answer my question.

its a tought question and I think your advoiding the real answer.

so instead you are searching every other possibility.

whats next hypnoisis? maybe if you hypmitize him things will come around.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> If he dosen't change to meet your sexual needs will you be happy being married to someone like that the rest of your life. then throw kids and mixed finances into it and you got a recire for a very unhappy marriage. which might create a cirmustance where cheating could surface.
> 
> its all your decission in the end.
> 
> good luck


I am assuming you mean this question. 

He absolutely is trying...always did. I just had a bad day and needed to sulk.Just being impatient. We actually had sex twice since I started posting on this thread again and it was very good.I need to stop thinking that we should be having sex twice a week or he should be giving me oral every week. This kind of thinking doesn't work when you are with someone who suffers from ED. In facts it adds to the pressure and is a total turn off to both partners in the long run.

When I look at our progress objectively, I think we are doing really well.He has been to the doctors, he took natural testosterone tablets, he has taken Viagra, he is seeing a sex therapist ( has been for a few months now). Some LD partners seem to do nothing at all in comparison.

So yes he is trying his best and I am very proud of the way he is trying to make amends on the whole. 

As for kids. We have them already. I have a son from my previous relationship...and we are both recovering from financial problems as the economy has not been kind to both our businesses. Us getting married isn't any different to what we are doing now.

(And I doubt he will ever cheat again. But I know you and I have different opinions on that one.)


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I am assuming you mean this question.
> 
> He absolutely is trying...always did. I just had a bad day and needed to sulk.Just being impatient. We actually had sex twice since I started posting on this thread again and it was very good.I need to stop thinking that we should be having sex twice a week or he should be giving me oral every week. This kind of thinking doesn't work when you are with someone who suffers from ED. In facts it adds to the pressure and is a total turn off to both partners in the long run.
> 
> ...


That's really good progress. By natural testosterone, do you mean those supplement tablets that are all over advertisements. I read a lot about those and they are just taking your money. If he needs it, get a Dr to prescribe it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I can't remember what they were called as he took them about three or four months ago. He tried them for about six weeks but did nothing to his ED. Viagra works tho. But it doesn't help with low sex drive


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

They have a topical T therapy now where you spread the medication on under your arms like deodorant. The T is absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream. I've heard it works as well as the shots. 

I have ED too. Let me tell you it is humiliating, and the greater the humiliation the worse the ED gets. It is a viscious circle your fiancé is caught in. Definitely get his T tested. But remember that normal T levels and ED are not always related. T affects libido....the desire for sex, while ED is usually caused by high BP, blood sugar issues, arteriosclerosis, or emotional/psychological issues. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> They gave a topical T therapy now where you spread the medication on under your arms like deodorant. The T is absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream. I've heard it works as well as the shots.
> 
> I have ED too. Let me tell you it is humiliating, and the greater the humiliation the worse the ED gets. It is a viscious circle your fiancé is caught in. Definitely get his T tested. But remember that normal T levels and ED are not always related. T affects libido....the desire for sex, while ED is usually caused by high BP, blood sugar issues, arteriosclerosis, or emotional/psychological issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And diabetes, which I guess is a blood sugar issue.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hibiscus said:


> I am assuming you mean this question.
> 
> He absolutely is trying...always did. I just had a bad day and needed to sulk.Just being impatient. We actually had sex twice since I started posting on this thread again and it was very good.I need to stop thinking that we should be having sex twice a week or he should be giving me oral every week. This kind of thinking doesn't work when you are with someone who suffers from ED. In facts it adds to the pressure and is a total turn off to both partners in the long run.
> 
> ...


Well it dose appear he is trying very hard. and that is action speaking louder than words.

lots of stress going on in his world. financial stress could be the culprit. as far as if he will cheat again ...please do not misinterpret my posts I never said that its a given that everybody who cheated is going to cheat again. what I said is if I found out that someone I was dating was a former cheated I would be gone. not worth taking the chance for me to be with someone who has a history of cheating. weather or not anybody decides to trust a former cheater is up to them but the probability of them cheating again is in my mind high. 


good luck.

ps in the future if your going to vent by all means explain that your venting and that even though progress is being made you still want to vent. I got the feeling that he wasn't putting any or ample effort into correcting the situation. which by what you described seems like hes putting good effort into it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> what I said is if I found out that someone I was dating was a former cheated I would be gone. not worth taking the chance for me to be with someone who has a history of cheating.
> 
> *okay I understand you now and I feel the same. If my relationship doesn't work out, I will never give another cheater a second chance again.*
> 
> ...


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