# Betrayed husbands - how would you feel?



## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm trying to understand the OWH. He has buried his head in the sand and still believes no PA. 2 years later, he still blames only my WH, telling people that my H pursued her but she declined. I finally just got fed up with him harassing us and sent him and his closest friends some of her naked pix.

If you were him - how would you feel about what I did? What would you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Not for sure, some people are in denial big time because it hurts so much to think that there loved one could ever do anything.
So they blame-shift to what ever they can, including unfortunately the other innocents in the story that have proof.

I have never been one to stick my head in the sand so I would see you as a friend because I have always tried to live in truth, no matter how much it hurts.

This guy on the other hand might get pretty upset in one way or the other, however photos are hard to dismiss, so if he does then he is really far gone IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'm trying to understand the OWH. He has buried his head in the sand and still believes no PA. 2 years later, he still blames only my WH, telling people that my H pursued her but she declined. I finally just got fed up with him harassing us and sent him and his closest friends some of her naked pix.
> 
> If you were him - how would you feel about what I did? What would you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are really, really lucky he will not report you to the police. Or worse.

You have poked a hornet's nest with a stick.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Yeah, the problem is it is prob a very emotional hornets nest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If you are really, really lucky he will not report you to the police. Or worse.
> 
> You have poked a hornet's nest with a stick.


For what, Matt? Putting an end to his harassment? Not sure what you're thinking here, bud. Of course, I wouldn't have sent them to the friends, just the BH, if that's what you mean.

I am curious about one thing though. Why didn't your husband put an end to this 2 years ago? I mean, he has all the proof and carnal knowledge. Why didn't he step up to the plate and protect you from all this?

Rug sweep?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It wasn't your place to clear it up, you should not have sent the picture to his friends. Seems like you wanted revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Oh I did not see the friends part, humm 
I probably would have not done that, the idea is to get the OWH on your side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Not a BH, instead a BW, but I did get to know the BH in my situation a bit when I exposed the affair to him.

The BH had put up with multiple affairs over several years with his now xGF. I once asked him why he had put up with this so many times since they weren't married and had no children. Judging from his answers it seemed like he had been living in quite a bit of denial, like many others in his shoes. He also told me he had low self-esteem and abandonment issues, he said the latter was from being put up for adoption as a young kid.

I know it sounds trite but his now xGF (my WS's xOW) is quite the piece of work. She has made many claims against him and other men (rape, sexual harassment, abuse) which many claim is not true at all. From what I know I suspect she is pretty good at weaving fairy tales painting herself as the victim, so it was easy for her BH to blame shift....which he said he did many times in the past.

The proof of the affair I provided to him undoubtedly made it impossible for him to put 100% of the blame on my WS and some of the other guys. Also, his xGF left him for one of her OM (not my WS) so the writing on the wall was more than evident for him _this_ particular time. From what I hear he's doing a h*ll of a lot better now that she's out of his life.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

darklilly23 said:


> Oh I did not see the friends part, humm
> *I probably would have not done that, the idea is to get the OWH on your side.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, I would have left his friends out of it too. That situation could get ugly fast. However, I could see maybe sending the pics to just the BH.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> For what, Matt? Putting an end to his harassment? Not sure what you're thinking here, bud. Of course, I wouldn't have sent them to the friends, just the BH, if that's what you mean.
> 
> I am curious about one thing though. Why didn't your husband put an end to this 2 years ago? I mean, he has all the proof and carnal knowledge. Why didn't he step up to the plate and protect you from all this?
> 
> Rug sweep?


Let's see, the chap's obviously not stable, his wife has got on his case he is harassing them, which is indication of a potentially unbalanced mind.

So how do we deal Mr Unstable? Oh! *I* know! Let's send him and his friends photographs of his wife, naked!

Maybe it will all come out OK. But... really?:scratchhead:


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Let's see, the chap's obviously not stable, his wife has got on his case he is harassing them, which is indication of a potentially unbalanced mind.
> 
> So how do we deal Mr Unstable? Oh! *I* know! Let's send him and his friends photographs of his wife, naked!
> 
> Maybe it will all come out OK. But... really?:scratchhead:


Well, IMHO, something had to be done to stop the harassment after 2 years. I don't have a problem with the pics being sent to the BH, but them being sent to the friends is a big no-no in my book. I just don't see why the cops would ever get involved. No laws have been broken on this side of the pond as far as I can see.

Still curious though about the OP's WH allowing her to have to deal with this crap and not put this matter to bed once and for all.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. To provide a few more details...the friends I sent to was a mutual friend (a cop!) and his wife and one other friend. Because of OWH's stories about my H, this couple had made it their mission the past two years to sling mud and talk about us and disrupt our lives in our community where we are very involved. Initially, we felt H deserved it...and he did. But it got very old and kept affecting me and the kids too. They show up in places where they know we will be...while we do all we can to avoid them. I've tried to talk to OWH about it but he refuses.

I did the pix thing now because OWH would not respond to me. He and OW had made a scene in public that morning yelling that my H had a drug charge...well that was my son who has the same name. After me turning from awesome mom to horrible psycho drunk during the first year or so after DD, he got into trouble. I wasn't there for him during those important teen years...I'll never forgive myself for that. So for OWH to start dragging my kids into his crap on top of everything else...I just flipped. And I'd drank a lot that night, but I was fully aware of what I did...it just gave me extra balls. I was just sick of his wife (OW) prancing around Scott free with everyone thinking my H the devil and she the innocent. In truth, she was the initiator every step of the way. No excuse for stupid H but she was farrrrr from innocent.

Does that change anyone's response?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

And I was expecting to get a visit from the police. I didn't though. Probably because I told said cop I would file a complaint for him looking up my son's record since it's supposed to be sealed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Google Cameron Taylor Brown arrested in Houston TX for publishing a naked pic of his FG on FB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I must be the only Klingon here.

Revenge is a dish...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sometimes you just have had enough...

It wasn't the brightest thing to do, but I've done some of my own not so smart things to do as well. I wanted to be left alone after the DDay but WW would tell my kids I was a bad father. I try to be a turn the other cheek person but when I am pushed, I really just have had enough and it's on.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'm trying to understand the OWH. He has buried his head in the sand and still believes no PA. 2 years later, he still blames only my WH, telling people that my H pursued her but she declined. I finally just got fed up with him harassing us and sent him and his closest friends some of her naked pix.
> 
> If you were him - how would you feel about what I did? What would you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's great. Now someone has some _explaining_ to do at their house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Thanks for the replies. To provide a few more details...the friends I sent to was a mutual friend (a cop!) and his wife and one other friend. Because of OWH's stories about my H, this couple had made it their mission the past two years to sling mud and talk about us and disrupt our lives in our community where we are very involved. Initially, we felt H deserved it...and he did. But it got very old and kept affecting me and the kids too. They show up in places where they know we will be...while we do all we can to avoid them. I've tried to talk to OWH about it but he refuses.
> 
> I did the pix thing now because OWH would not respond to me. He and OW had made a scene in public that morning yelling that my H had a drug charge...well that was my son who has the same name. After me turning from awesome mom to horrible psycho drunk during the first year or so after DD, he got into trouble. I wasn't there for him during those important teen years...I'll never forgive myself for that. So for OWH to start dragging my kids into his crap on top of everything else...I just flipped. And I'd drank a lot that night, but I was fully aware of what I did...it just gave me extra balls. I was just sick of his wife (OW) prancing around Scott free with everyone thinking my H the devil and she the innocent. In truth, she was the initiator every step of the way. No excuse for stupid H but she was farrrrr from innocent.
> 
> ...


Yes. Mine. This is an example of why trickle truthing is a bad idea!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I still wonder why you are doing this? Are you doing all the leg work to mend your marriage? Or is this revenge? I don't blame you if it is, it's understandable. I still say including friends was a no no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He was telling people his wife had no blame and it was all on her ap. He wasnt in denial he was just trying to save face by throwing someone else under the bus. Not that he didn't deserve to be under the bus its just that his wife should have been under it with him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'm trying to understand the OWH. He has buried his head in the sand and still believes no PA. 2 years later, he still blames only my WH, telling people that my H pursued her but she declined.


I've read many a thread on TAM, it isn't just this guy. When the anger ignites, many men/women blame the AP. It's is much easier to do than blame your "beautiful wife/husband." It seems to be worse from people that are trying to R IMO.



> I finally just got fed up with him harassing us and sent him and his closest friends some of her naked pix.


 Keep pushing buttons, you might get something activate. Hey, sometimes the line needs to be crossed as long as it isn't illegal.



> Thanks for the replies. To provide a few more details...the friends I sent to was a mutual friend (a cop!) and his wife and one other friend. Because of OWH's stories about my H, this couple had made it their mission the past two years to sling mud and talk about us and disrupt our lives in our community where we are very involved. Initially, we felt H deserved it...and he did. But it got very old and kept affecting me and the kids too. They show up in places where they know we will be...while we do all we can to avoid them. I've tried to talk to OWH about it but he refuses.
> 
> I did the pix thing now because OWH would not respond to me. He and OW had made a scene in public that morning yelling that my H had a drug charge...well that was my son who has the same name. After me turning from awesome mom to horrible psycho drunk during the first year or so after DD, he got into trouble. I wasn't there for him during those important teen years...I'll never forgive myself for that. So for OWH to start dragging my kids into his crap on top of everything else...I just flipped. And I'd drank a lot that night, but I was fully aware of what I did...it just gave me extra balls. I was just sick of his wife (OW) prancing around Scott free with everyone thinking my H the devil and she the innocent. In truth, she was the initiator every step of the way. No excuse for stupid H but she was farrrrr from innocent.


Yep, it was more deserved than when I read the OP and replied.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One thing I've come to learn about exposing to the other man's/woman's spouse is that it's a crap shoot. Why? Because there are psychologically f**ked up BS's out there. Some will go in to complete denial - no matter how much evidence you shove in their face.

I know of one OM's wife who's best friend had a two year PA with her husband. Despite receiving a detailed letter from the other BS, thousands of e-mails from her husband to the OW (that she refused to read), and a confession from the best friend - she refuses to accept that it was anything but an EA - and "tried" to keep the friendship going. 

That best friend of hers was my wife.

So I'm telling you, you can't rely on their reaction to be what you would expect. All you can do is present what you have and move on with your life.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> I must be the only Klingon here.
> 
> Revenge is a dish...


... best served COLD !


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Thanks for the replies. To provide a few more details...the friends I sent to was a mutual friend (a cop!) and his wife and one other friend. Because of OWH's stories about my H, this couple had made it their mission the past two years to sling mud and talk about us and disrupt our lives in our community where we are very involved. Initially, we felt H deserved it...and he did. But it got very old and kept affecting me and the kids too. They show up in places where they know we will be...while we do all we can to avoid them. I've tried to talk to OWH about it but he refuses.
> 
> I did the pix thing now because OWH would not respond to me. He and OW had made a scene in public that morning yelling that my H had a drug charge...well that was my son who has the same name. After me turning from awesome mom to horrible psycho drunk during the first year or so after DD, he got into trouble. I wasn't there for him during those important teen years...I'll never forgive myself for that. So for OWH to start dragging my kids into his crap on top of everything else...I just flipped. And I'd drank a lot that night, but I was fully aware of what I did...it just gave me extra balls. I was just sick of his wife (OW) prancing around Scott free with everyone thinking my H the devil and she the innocent. In truth, she was the initiator every step of the way. No excuse for stupid H but she was farrrrr from innocent.
> 
> ...


Have you guys ever considered moving ? Seriously ! Wasn't the pain and suffering of his affair already enough for you and your family. This small town crap NEVER EVER GOES AWAY !!! You can send all the naked pictures you want, but your fooling yourself if you think it will really change anything, and most likely will only stir up yet another [email protected] storm for you and your family.

If you were dead set on doing this, you should have done it as you were "walking out the door" so to speak and already had a new place to live.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'm trying to understand the OWH. He has buried his head in the sand and still believes no PA. 2 years later, he still blames only my WH, telling people that my H pursued her but she declined. I finally just got fed up with him harassing us and sent him and his closest friends some of her naked pix.
> 
> If you were him - how would you feel about what I did? What would you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to assume the she does not have any pictures of your husband...

Before you sent the pictures, you should have blurred out naughty parts. Then you could have sent it to all your adult friends. It prooves that the FOW is a lyer and the FOWH is a chump - Without crossing any legal lines.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

How would I feel? Totally crushed.... Not with you though. 

It sort of worked like this; I desperately wanted to believe my WW. I would grasp at any justification or excuse why it just looked ‘really bad’ but really wasn’t. Even the weakest excuse I’d try and try to believe. But in my case, I had too much. There were too many holes in her stories. I couldn’t believe her ultimately no matter how hard I tried.

Those picks will blow her ‘it wasn’t me’ story out of the water because I bet she ‘forgot’ to tell him. New stories will replace them, but like me when my WW did that, she’s blown her trust and his ability to continue to believe she is a source of factual information. Gut will churn. False R. 

I’d guess you won’t hear much for a month or two while it seeps in and she tries to talk her way out of it. Then I bet you might get a call wondering what else you have; He wants to figure out where she’s still TT’ing him.. Or he’ll just divorce.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Google Cameron Taylor Brown arrested in Houston TX for publishing a naked pic of his FG on FB.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I did and it got this - 

*CAMERON TAYLOR BROWN: UPSET HOUSTON MAN ACCUSED OF POSTING A NUDE PHOTO OF HIS GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK WITHOUT HER CONSENT, REPORT SAYS — 6/04/2013

Acts of revenge porn continue to proliferate on the internet. Cameron Taylor Brown, 21, was charged with improper photography and evading arrest after he allegedly posted a nude photo of his girlfriend to the social networking site Facebook on May 27 without her consent. Brown was reportedly upset that she left town and did not return his phone calls. Houston police say that Brown initially fled when they tried to arrest him but he is now in custody.*

So posting pictures of other people online is an offense? Or is it because they were nudie pics? The pics were taken with her consent so... Does this mean I should not proceed with posting my stbx/wh's wh0re on Cheaterville? Not the nude ones, but the ones of her in her lingerie and covering her breasts with her hands.

Crap!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

If any of my FWWs OMs sent me a letter i'd probably believe it. Just because i'd already had a feeling. 

If they sent pics, yea i'd def believe it. 

I don't blame the oms as much as my fww, because they weren't breaking any oaths to me. They weren't betraying me. 

Now at first, when I wasn't thinking clearly that was a different story. I looked for someone to focus my anger at. The AP is a prime target.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I still wonder why you are doing this? Are you doing all the leg work to mend your marriage? Or is this revenge? I don't blame you if it is, it's understandable. I still say including friends was a no no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My marriage is pretty good when these people are not interfering in some way. As soon as one of them pops up with something, then I wind up thinking about the past too much, getting angry with FWH all over again because I can't help but think that this is all ultimately his fault. If he'd never screwed up in the first place, our family would never have been in this position. He's trying really hard to deal with it...but there is no rule book or instructions with this mess.

Revenge would be nice...but really I was trying to use it as a wake up call - Stop. Effing. With. Me!!!!!


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> He was telling people his wife had no blame and it was all on her ap. He wasnt in denial he was just trying to save face by throwing someone else under the bus. Not that he didn't deserve to be under the bus its just that his wife should have been under it with him.


Absolutely. And even with the pictures being sent...they are totally blaming H for it even though they were sent via text from my phone and my H had no idea I was even sending them. The OWH's friend has been reportedly showing the OW's naked pix around to others saying - "look, this is the kind of man H is". 

WTH? How does naked pix of a woman that were sent to you reflect poorly on you?


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

barbados said:


> Have you guys ever considered moving ? Seriously ! Wasn't the pain and suffering of his affair already enough for you and your family. This small town crap NEVER EVER GOES AWAY !!! You can send all the naked pictures you want, but your fooling yourself if you think it will really change anything, and most likely will only stir up yet another [email protected] storm for you and your family.
> 
> If you were dead set on doing this, you should have done it as you were "walking out the door" so to speak and already had a new place to live.


I've really been thinking about a move. I've never wanted to live anywhere else...so it feels like just another thing that is being taken from me by FWH and OW. Another loss - along with my joy, happiness, trust, peace, soberness, the comfort of knowing that someone in this world will always have my back, the future I planned, MY SANITY, etc.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So honestly, how do you feel? Any regrets in sending them? Just curious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I have to assume the she does not have any pictures of your husband...
> 
> Before you sent the pictures, you should have blurred out naughty parts. Then you could have sent it to all your adult friends. It prooves that the FOW is a lyer and the FOWH is a chump - Without crossing any legal lines.


He says he never sent nor took any pix of him nor video. He says the pix she sent were not requested. I believe she has nothing on H...I think if she had anything usable that didn't incriminate her in some way...that she would have used them against him by now. 

Remember - she still claims there was no PA.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> I did and it got this -
> 
> *CAMERON TAYLOR BROWN: UPSET HOUSTON MAN ACCUSED OF POSTING A NUDE PHOTO OF HIS GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK WITHOUT HER CONSENT, REPORT SAYS — 6/04/2013
> 
> ...



I think this will get thrown out in court...but still you have the embarassment and awfulness of being arrested, jailed, having to go to court, hiring a lawyer, etc. Whether or not it can really be seen as illegal, it could still make one's life hell for a bit.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and she'll try taking that lie to her grave, and with her husband being so complicit she likely will


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

mablenc said:


> So honestly, how do you feel? Any regrets in sending them? Just curious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have regrets. Because up until now, I had the comfort of being the bigger person. Of never acknowledging publically what went down. People knew, people talked, but they could never really be certain because they never heard from me or H.

Well now they have some confirmation. Feels like that me doing this tells them everything else must be true, even the parts that actually are not true.

I also hate that I hurt OWH, even if he deserved it. We were friends prior to this and I think I romanticized us as partners in this horrible place after DD...I was wrong about that, he was never out to help or protect me or my kids in any way.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

3putt said:


> I am curious about one thing though. Why didn't your husband put an end to this 2 years ago? I mean, he has all the proof and carnal knowledge. Why didn't he step up to the plate and protect you from all this?
> 
> Rug sweep?


What do you mean? What do you think my H should have done 2 years ago? How can he protect me from this? What do you think is being rug swept?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I have regrets. Because up until now, I had the comfort of being the bigger person. Of never acknowledging publically what went down. People knew, people talked, but they could never really be certain because they never heard from me or H.
> 
> *She decided to take the picture, no one told her to play porn star and cheat. I'm sure seeing her lose nothing must have hurt, and I'm sure you were the "crazy one, and that's no walk in the park *.
> 
> ...


*Chalk this up as a form of closure, she should no longer linger in your head. You also did what many BS wish they did, so maybe you can smirk for a little bit*


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Perigee you really feel like you have to rape your wife to have sex and you want to stay with her. 30 years of a sexless marriage, for you anyway, and you want to save what? 

You don't need to force yourself on your wife. You need to revaluate your priorities seek some IC and either get some sex therapy with your wife or replace her. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Perogee, you need to start your own thread


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Too late now, but for those of you considering the same thing, perhaps mentioning that you had pics the OW had willingly sent would be enough, but it sounds like there has been quite a bit of animosity and confrontation already. Better to detach, ignore, or move even.

My H's OW accused him of something by text and he told her quite simply had had not done it and do not contact him again. No counter action, we blocked her and will ignore if anything more comes up. No reason to fan the flame.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

BH here, and I think I can understand what the OWH is doing. I don't think it is a good idea, but I understand it. 

But he doesn't want to think, that his beautiful wife, that he loves deeply, was caught in a PA. He doesn't want to think that she is capable of hurting him in the worst way possible. 
He wants to believe that she truly loves him. He wants to believe that she wasn't taken by another man. 

And instead of listening to facts, he is choosing to deny everything. Because what he wants, is getting in the way of reality.
And because what his wife wants (which may or may not be your husband) is no longer in contact, she is content with her husband. For the time being. 

So from his point of view, he has what he wants to some degree, but he also has a psycho woman telling him that everything he has is poisoned to the core. 

So he would rather deny it. Try to shut it out. Try to ignore it. And hope that it isn't there. Rather than confront it. Rather than deal with it. 

It is much easier (though not always healthy or smart) to ignore your problems, and pretend they don't exist. 
It is very difficult to say you have problems with something, and try to fix the problems.


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