# Double Life



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

What makes a person live a double life when they can have an honest good life with one person? I am asking seriously. 

What is appealing about lying and hurting your partner when you can just leave and go be with the OP? Why keep lying about cheating when you can walk out of the door? I know these questions will probably be meet with snickers and "really?" but just being thoughtful. 

As you already know my WS was going to leave me for his AP but changed his mind and stayed with the family. He cheated previously but instead of choosing a life with his other women, he came back to just keep cheating on me. Having a hard time tonight. :-(


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The answer is easy. He wants both of you in his life. Each of you meet a different set of his emotional needs. 

Most of us go through life with only a few of our needs met at any one time. When a person has two lovers more of their needs are met... This makes him a very happy man.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He explains it very well in the book.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

because they don't have any conscious. they are selfish and don't really care who or how they treat people.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I don't think the appeal is in the lying and hurting someone, the appeal is probably more of what they can have, with you and the other person. More so greed and selfishness and the sense of entitlement. The hurt and lying is the fallout. 

His choice to stay could be driven by a lot of different things, financial. guilt, the list goes on depends what the situation is as every ones is different.

Makes you wonder what they are thinking when they seem to have things very good at home.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I think ele nailed it. I'll add they usually lack compassion for the pain they cause with their cheating.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree with EleGirl... Feeling like something is being fulfilled by the AP, that the WS feels like the BS can't or won't provide. And once they get a taste of it... It becomes like a drug addiction. That they don't want to give up.


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## missmylife4 (Jul 22, 2014)

@elegirl-I really think you nailed it, I'm sensing this as I'm living it at this moment. They don't realize how transparent they are either. Clueless.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't know. According to some people on this board, you must have been a terrible wife for him to cheat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

asia,

You know that he can only get away with this as long as you put up with it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry, asia. I know you didn't want to believe that but it's what the evidence has seemed to indicate for some time. Is it the same AP? If so, he wants both his family and her. If it's someone new, he's just a cake-eater and chasing something new. 

Some cheaters do change but some never do. I had hoped your husband was one who would.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

roostr said:


> I don't think the appeal is in the lying and hurting someone, the appeal is probably more of what they can have, with you and the other person. More so greed and selfishness and the sense of entitlement. The hurt and lying is the fallout.
> 
> His choice to stay could be driven by a lot of different things, financial. guilt, the list goes on depends what the situation is as every ones is different.
> 
> Makes you wonder what they are thinking when they seem to have things very good at home.


I don't think they purposely try to hurt. they just don't really care if they do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The answer is easy. He wants both of you in his life. Each of you meet a different set of his emotional needs.
> 
> Most of us go through life with only a few of our needs met at any one time. When a person has two lovers more of their needs are met... This makes him a very happy man.





Pepper123 said:


> I agree with EleGirl... Feeling like something is being fulfilled by the AP, that the WS feels like the BS can't or won't provide. And once they get a taste of it... It becomes like a drug addiction. That they don't want to give up.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In addition to what EleGirl said, there are also people who get off on the excitement of the double life. There's risk, danger, drama in trying to balance two separate selves. It's an adrenaline high, a rush. Some people really, really, like that experience.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with EleGirl. 

Obviously, a very large number of people do this, as unpleasant as the consequences can be.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

asia said:


> What makes a person live a double life when they can have an honest good life with one person?


Life with the OP may be not an option, and usually is not - she/he is married or not interested in more than what they have. More over, it's one thing to have an exciting, sweaty affair, and to live day in and day out with that person. They are not after the later - they already have it with their spouses. 



asia said:


> What is appealing about lying and hurting your partner...


Cheaters don't try hurting their partners. They hope to never get caught.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

In many cases of infidelity, it has to do with compartmentalization. 
Most of those who cheat are able to keep both sides of themselves 
separated from the other and as long as it stays that way, they somehow 
think that as long as their spouse doesn’t know about their actions when 
they’re not around, then it’s not hurting them.

BS’s of course know that to not be true.

Then there’s the extreme mental (and physical) rush that they get from 
the excitement of having something fresh and new in their lives. 
Meanwhile, the BS gets treated like a bland bowl of cold oatmeal. 

As anyone can attest to, having a brand new exciting thing all to yourself
can be extremely exhilarating but in the case of cheaters, they’re so 
selfish and wrapped up in lala land, that they’re unable to stop and 
fully understand the damage they’re causing until it’s too late.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

OP, I do understand your pain, BUT

Provided the number of your H's infidelities:


asia said:


> As you already know my WS was going to leave me for his AP but changed his mind and stayed with the family. He cheated previously but instead of choosing a life with his other women, he came back to just keep cheating on me. Having a hard time tonight. :-(


Why do you even ask this question?



asia said:


> What is appealing about lying and hurting your partner?..


It is you who is choosing to get hurt. I advocated forgiveness in another thread, but not for time after time again... You made another human being fully responsible for your own happiness. You don't want to do anything about changing it. You position yourself as an object - you belong to him and no matter what he does, you stay with him... Do you care how your left shoe feels when you put it on? Why should he? 

Once again, I do feel your pain, but after you mentioned how much you've been through with him... Sorry, you already KNOW what he is, and you choose to stay with him. It's YOUR choice. 

Stop expecting him to make you happy - he wasn't put on this planet to do that. If he hurts you, then you should stop that. Instead of waiting for him to do the right thing. Do it yourself!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The story a cheater has ready to tell you once caught is that they never meant to hurt you. They tell you this as a lame form of damage control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Asia
people have affairs for all sorts of reasons, I don't believe it is a one-size-fits-all description.

If someone is having a double life, I would think it likely that there is something that they want from that other life that they are not getting at home. I'm not saying that they have a *right* to have whatever it is, but there is something they want. 

If you can understand what they want, then you are in a better position to decide what to do next and whether it is worth trying to save the marriage .


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Have a real problem with "there is something form the A life that they are not getting at home". To me that's just their way of vindicating their selfish choice of having an A.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He's just a serial cheating cake eater. He wants to keep his family, but also wants to have other women, hence the term having his cake and eating it too. Its the ultimate in selfishness.

Kick his ass to the curb.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Being a guy, I do believe that men and women cheat for different reasons. 

From what I have seen most guys cheated because they had a woman basically telling them to fvck them even though they knew the guy was married. 

But I have also seen a few nasty wives and could understand why the guy was cheating.. 

I understand myself to see I wasn't perfect and I should have been more of an adult in many ways.. I never beat my wife, I never cheated on her, I never mentally abused her. I never withheld sex. 

But in many ways I ignored her by playing video games.. I did spend more time on the computer then I did with my wife.. I wasn't against going out, but in between going out and coming home I was on the computer. 

It doesn't grant my wife the excuse to have an affair. But something was wrong with her that she wasn't a fighter.. Thus she never complained about it.. 

Lessons learned.. 

Unfortunately you have not learned YOUR lesson yet.. Everyone learns their lessons at their own pace.. Everyone that has come before you here knows and hopes you learn the lesson faster.. Again no matter how many times you tell someone a match burns, they still need to get burnt.. Some of us need to get burnt twice.. 

Don't feel bad.. I needed to get burnt 4 times and get a scar before I figured it out.. 

One day when you move on and find someone younger, better looking, better shape and makes more money. You will look back and laugh about how silly you were.. You will come back and post how much better it is, regardless of the issues you have..

I'm with my GF for 11 months today.. Yes we fight.. We have the most stupidest fights.. I have the most stupidest issues.. But I am better off today then I ever was..

One of our fights was I fvck her too long.. We were so wrapped up on the fight that when I realized what we were fighting about I finally told her.. You know what tell your friends your complaint and lets see what they think ? Heck many be they can help you out with your issue.. Maybe I need to be worn down a bit before I get to you and I won't last so long.. 

She laughed, I laughed and she said wow we fight over the craziest things.. 

I would rather have that fight any day of the week, then fight with my Ex on why she was leaving me.. Much less heartache now.. 

You need more than TAM and CWI though.. Therapy and good friends.. You need people who will back you and help you move along.. I did and that goes a long way as well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> One of our fights was I fvck her too long.. We were so wrapped up on the fight that when I realized what we were fighting about I finally told her.. You know what tell your friends your complaint and lets see what they think ? Heck many be they can help you out with your issue.. Maybe I need to be worn down a bit before I get to you and I won't last so long..


That's awful. Women hate men who have too much stamina in bed.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> It doesn't grant my wife the excuse to have an affair. But something was wrong with her that she wasn't a fighter.. Thus she never complained about it..
> 
> Lessons learned..


I agree with most of the points about the cheater having their needs met by both partners. But I'd like to add one more subtle thing that I've seen. It's easier for the cheater to be themselves with the AP. They don't have to work as hard to get their ego stroked and they get to live in fantasy land.

When a spouse asks for something it's a complaint, it's reality. When an AP asks for something it's intriguing and an opportunity for change. The change they are convinced they so desperately need. "I need to find myself" bullsh*t. They don't have to fight or work. It's easy to escape.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tryingpatience said:


> I agree with most of the points about the cheater having their needs met by both partners. But I'd like to add one more subtle thing that I've seen. It's easier for the cheater to be themselves with the AP. They don't have to work as hard to get their ego stroked and they get to live in fantasy land.
> 
> When a spouse asks for something it's a complaint, it's reality. When an AP asks for something it's intriguing and an opportunity for change. The change they are convinced they so desperately need. "I need to find myself" bullsh*t. They don't have to fight or work. It's easy to escape.


That's exactly it. Everything is lollipops and unicorns in Affairland. During the summer when it gets hot, my fWW has a tendency to stop drinking fluids because she doesn't want to go to the bathroom all the time. As a result, she gets headaches from being dehydrated. So I would encourage her to drink water, bought gatorade and other fluids for her, but she would *never listen to me*. Then when I got a hold of her conversations with OM, he told her the same thing and boy, she was all gushing about how he cared for her and she would do as he asked because she knew he cared for her. 

This the same situation for a lot of BSs.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Asia, sorry you are so down. Maybe it is convenience or feeling comfortable at home. Maybe it is just because he can and suffers no real consequences.

I doubt if anyone will snicker at you. Going through infidelity is difficult.

If I had a different mindset in 1999 the first time my wife cheated I would have divorced her. For some of us it takes quite a bit to get us to move off our square.

Don't try to understand him.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Lots of great insight here. 

I feel one word describes it best however...selfishness.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

asia said:


> What makes a person live a double life when they can have an honest good life with one person? I am asking seriously.
> 
> What is appealing about lying and hurting your partner when you can just leave and go be with the OP? Why keep lying about cheating when you can walk out of the door? I know these questions will probably be meet with snickers and "really?" but just being thoughtful.
> 
> As you already know my WS was going to leave me for his AP but changed his mind and stayed with the family. He cheated previously but instead of choosing a life with his other women, he came back to just keep cheating on me. Having a hard time tonight. :-(


I hear you. Double life usually blows up on folks and there is a bunch of damage.

The thing about it is people do it because they can get away with it, and in doing it makes them feel more clever or smarter for being able to do it.

Also there is this thing about all the attention of being the "centre" of attention between spouse and lover(s). It makes them feel more important.

This is some of it, then there is the adrenaline of not getting caught and enhanced hormones flow. So it becomes this fantasy they get to take part in.

But I hear you, why not get all this at home and not have to lie or cheat or mess your life up in the end to have it?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> That's exactly it. Everything is lollipops and unicorns in Affairland. During the summer when it gets hot, my fWW has a tendency to stop drinking fluids because she doesn't want to go to the bathroom all the time. As a result, she gets headaches from being dehydrated. So I would encourage her to drink water, bought gatorade and other fluids for her, but she would *never listen to me*. Then when I got a hold of her conversations with OM, he told her the same thing and boy, she was all gushing about how he cared for her and she would do as he asked because she knew he cared for her.
> 
> This the same situation for a lot of BSs.


Well you understand first hand how much it sucks for an outside party to be the primary influencer over your spouse. This is usually how it breaks down, and that primary influencer can be a same sex friend, literally controlling your household through your spouse!

Don't you just love it?

The way things go around here it's almost like if you don't cheat you will be cheated on. Maybe that's just the way of the world.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Asia
> people have affairs for all sorts of reasons, I don't believe it is a one-size-fits-all description.
> 
> If someone is having a double life, I would think it likely that there is something that they want from that other life that they are not getting at home. I'm not saying that they have a *right* to have whatever it is, but there is something they want.
> ...


What about the logic of someone who is oppressive, thuggish a user, a crook a snake? Those logics do not fit the glasses YOU choose to view the world in.

So someone can have EVERYTHING they need at home, but they needed to know they were cheating on you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Unfortunately you have not learned YOUR lesson yet.. Everyone learns their lessons at their own pace.. Everyone that has come before you here knows and hopes you learn the lesson faster.. Again no matter how many times you tell someone a match burns, they still need to get burnt.. Some of us need to get burnt twice..


This is very true in asia's case. She has started 25 threads all about these issues of her WH's cheating.

Hopefully one day she will see the light, kick him to the curb, and find a better person.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I will give a full update on my on original thread and PM reply as well. FYI I have 2 threads regarding my marriage specifically, not 25. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:



LOL. Oh me too (not with the 'need' part--let's call it 'want')!

The things he wants that she can't provide include that second vagina, for example.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, who is being treated like total crap and has an iron-clad justification for divorcing his cheating butt? Oh that's right, his faithful wife.

Funny how folks are ready to describe bad behavior with euphemisms like "getting needs met" (sort of like calling bombing civilians "collateral damage'). How many of her "needs are being met"? lol

Guess she must be cheating, huh? No, maybe not. Maybe she has a different set of values?

Some people value different things... like dignity, honor, and integrity. One thing is certain, since polygamy was not part of the partnership agreement, if he needs a harem, then he needs to not be in a monogamous relationship.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> One of our fights was I fvck her too long.. We were so wrapped up on the fight that when I realized what we were fighting about I finally told...


I've tried...I've really tried...but for the life of me I can't imagine that argument's dialogue. 

Her: "Just what are you doing down there? You know you're making me late for my root canal?"

You: "Oh sorry dear. Did I wake you?"


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

asia said:


> What is appealing about lying and hurting your partner when you can just leave and *go be with the OP*


asia,

You answer your own question... (Cheater Logic).

When caught, I asked my wife this same question. She admitted that when she was with her AP, she really didn't think she was lying or hurting me at all. Understand? She was only thinking about herself and her own selfish desires. If no-one knows the truth how can it hurt someone? 

(Cheater Logic 101)


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