# Husband says he’s not physically attracted to me



## Betty Sue (Jul 10, 2021)

Married 21 years. This week I flirted with my husband by doing a little dance for him when I got out of the shower. I asked if he liked it and this lead to a conversation where he explained that he loved me but is not physically attracted to me. His exact words were, “it’s like someone giving you a sh*tty *ss”. Our marriage has been difficult. We have 4 children, 3 of them are now 18 or older. He had an affair in 2013 that he never wanted to end. He left to pursue the other woman but came back apologized and said he would turn things around. In the most recent years, I have found him stalking his affair partners social media has been verbally abusive towards me. I learned to keep my distance from him. It’s safest and we are mostly peaceful and cordial. He is a good father, he’s helpful, and says he loves me. He has mostly moved to spending his nights in the basement. Coming to bed only occasionally. I mentioned the issue we have with our intimacy and sex life and for years he has said that it was because he was overweight. He never mentioned that he thought the problem was me. My weight has fluctuated up or down 30 lbs throughout the years…but last night he explained that even when I’m slimmer, there is a “problem” when I’m not clothed. I feel devastated and crushed. He said he doesn’t know why I feel this way and that it’s not a big deal. When he does occasionally want sex, he gets it. So he said from his perspective there’s no problem. But for me, the occasional sex happens only when I’m asleep and face down. It has been this way for 8 years. I feel like I never know what’s happening in our marriage…it’s always some bigger darker truth lurking around the corner to be revealed. I’m confused and not sure what direction to go in. He said “I think you’re beautiful and stunning but I’m not physically attracted to you”….what is going on?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think your husband not being physically attracted to you is the least of your problems. I don't understand why you are upset that your cheating husband doesn't feel he is attracted to you? Why do you think he had an affair? And why are you staying with this man? He cheats on you, comes back and sleeps in the basement.... do you need a clearer message? Just show him the door.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

What is going on is that you are in a bad marriage. It’s time to begin pulling up stakes and looking for a way out. He’s a cheater and he’s cruel. I find it hard to believe that he is actually a good father.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

With thoughts like these of his that are so close to the surface that he’s verbalizing them—— lack of opportunity is the only thing that is keeping him from cheating. He will cheat and dump you when he finds one that likes his sorry ass.
Preemptively dump the chump like you should have when he cheated the first time— that you caught him.
This guy is a dead end person.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would you be confused? How he feels (even without the recent declaration) is obvious.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think he is full of goat dung. It’s he himself that he doesn’t like and is just aiming it at you.
My wife has a friend that was dating a douche nugget like that. She was down on her self esteem big time ... and she is a decent looking woman. Don’t let his miserable mind bring you down. Don’t doubt yourself ❤


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

My heart breaks for you. 

Now sure why you took him back after the affair (probably for the kids) but if he still stalking her & now saying he's not attracted to you, I'd show him the door.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Any guy that it say that is resentful and trying to hurt you. Or, he’s trying to justify his cheating to himself.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oh, cheaters always try to make it your fault for not measuring up. Also, if he could be having ED problems, he could be trying to blame that on you. I only mention it due to his past "I'm fat" comment. Being fat doesn't make you cheat. It possibly might make it hard to have sex. 

Either way, he can be a good father in joint custody and take the kids 3 1/2 days a week, leaving you time to get out from other his punishing criticism and have some leisure or more work time.


----------



## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Leave him. Every woman deserves to feel wanted by her husband. Leave him and go find someone who loves all of you, clothed and unclothed, who thinks you're beautiful, who makes you FEEL beautiful, and who won't cheat on you and sleep in the basement leaving you alone in your bed. And what in the hell do you mean by the only time he has sex with you is when you are asleep and face down? Hell no! I am usually not one to immediately tell someone to leave their spouse but in this case it is clear that you deserve so much more.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Betty Sue said:


> ….what is going on?


In my opinion you are like someone that has never gotten to eat sugar. Instead you have always been given salt and been told that it is sweet and that you should enjoy it.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> I think your husband not being physically attracted to you is the least of your problems. I don't understand why you are upset that your cheating husband doesn't feel he is attracted to you? Why do you think he had an affair? And why are you staying with this man? He cheats on you, comes back and sleeps in the basement.... do you need a clearer message? Just show him the door.


This is something that has always puzzled me. Some women will leave a man because life has become a little mundane, and some will stay with a man regardless of what he does.


----------



## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

southbound said:


> This is something that has always puzzled me. Some women will leave a man because life has become a little mundane, and some will stay with a man regardless of what he does.


How is it puzzling? I suppose it’s like how I’m confused by how some men hate giving oral (apparently all men on TAM just LOVE doing it, but I’m talking about the real world) and then there are some (on TAM) who would leave their wives if they didn’t allow their husbands to regularly lick their puss. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Betty you need to ditch this azzhole. Take my word for it; you won't have a problem finding any number of men that are physically attracted to you. If you doubt what I'm saying, test the waters before you jettison him. What good for the goose is good for the gander.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you have put up with a lot , and this is how he feels about you , he is not worth staying with , time to get away from him build your self a life , 
it is good that you feel so comfortable that you did a little dance for him after getting out of the shower , pity he pulled the rug from under you but if you look at the silver lining you can do better that him


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Betty Sue said:


> His exact words were, “it’s like someone giving you a sh*tty *ss”.


I really, really don't understand his statement. 

You don't have to tolerate this bozo's disrespect. Find your spine and get ready to ditch him. Let him continue to stalk his former partner in crime while he hides out in the basement. Who cares? Onward and upward!


----------



## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Betty Sue said:


> Married 21 years. This week I flirted with my husband by doing a little dance for him when I got out of the shower. I asked if he liked it and this lead to a conversation where he explained that he loved me but is not physically attracted to me. His exact words were, “it’s like someone giving you a sh*tty *ss”. Our marriage has been difficult. We have 4 children, 3 of them are now 18 or older. He had an affair in 2013 that he never wanted to end. He left to pursue the other woman but came back apologized and said he would turn things around. In the most recent years, I have found him stalking his affair partners social media has been verbally abusive towards me. I learned to keep my distance from him. It’s safest and we are mostly peaceful and cordial. He is a good father, he’s helpful, and says he loves me. He has mostly moved to spending his nights in the basement. Coming to bed only occasionally. I mentioned the issue we have with our intimacy and sex life and for years he has said that it was because he was overweight. He never mentioned that he thought the problem was me. My weight has fluctuated up or down 30 lbs throughout the years…but last night he explained that even when I’m slimmer, there is a “problem” when I’m not clothed. I feel devastated and crushed. He said he doesn’t know why I feel this way and that it’s not a big deal. When he does occasionally want sex, he gets it. So he said from his perspective there’s no problem. But for me, the occasional sex happens only when I’m asleep and face down. It has been this way for 8 years. I feel like I never know what’s happening in our marriage…it’s always some bigger darker truth lurking around the corner to be revealed. I’m confused and not sure what direction to go in. He said “I think you’re beautiful and stunning but I’m not physically attracted to you”….what is going on?


Men are abusive because women tolerate it.
I really wish more women would stop humiliating themselves trying to figure out and please an ungrateful man, when he most likely would never do the same if the tables were turned.
Leave him. He doesn’t deserve you. Someone else will think you are sexy.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Betty Sue said:


> I’m confused and not sure what direction to go in.


The direction that I would go would be out the door.

It's not just the comments about physical attraction (and yes, vanity or perhaps the value placed on desire would impact me), and you obviously chose reconciliation following the affair, however, the verbal abuse, keeping to the basement, and then being at best oblivious to your needs and care, and at worst that it's all about him... I'd be packing up and moving on.


----------



## renee79 (Jun 8, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> How is it puzzling? I suppose it’s like how I’m confused by how some men hate giving oral (apparently all men on TAM just LOVE doing it, but I’m talking about the real world) and then there are some (on TAM) who would leave their wives if they didn’t allow their husbands to regularly lick their puss. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

renee79 said:


> Just wondering what is TAM?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Acronym for this site... Talk About Marriage (TAM).


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Betty Sue said:


> Married 21 years. This week I flirted with my husband by doing a little dance for him when I got out of the shower. I asked if he liked it and this lead to a conversation where he explained that he loved me but is not physically attracted to me. His exact words were, “it’s like someone giving you a sh*tty *ss”. Our marriage has been difficult. We have 4 children, 3 of them are now 18 or older. He had an affair in 2013 that he never wanted to end. He left to pursue the other woman but came back apologized and said he would turn things around. In the most recent years, I have found him stalking his affair partners social media has been verbally abusive towards me.
> 
> .....I mentioned the issue we have with our intimacy and sex life and for years he has said that it was because he was overweight. …but last night he explained that even when I’m slimmer, there is a “problem” when I’m not clothed. I feel devastated and crushed.
> 
> ....But for me, the occasional sex happens only when I’m asleep and face down. It has been this way for 8 years. I feel like I never know what’s happening in our marriage…it’s always some bigger darker truth lurking around the corner to be revealed. I’m confused and not sure what direction to go in. He said “I think you’re beautiful and stunning but I’m not physically attracted to you”….what is going on?


I have two dramatically different thoughts.

The first is that this has been going on for 8 years of your 21 year marriage. How sad. The good part is that three of your children are 18 or older. For most couples (prior to Covid) this would mean you are very close to "empty nesters." 
His stalking the "ex" he had the affair with is a very bad sign for the huge changes that happen when you have an empty nest. He may be preparing for that day with plans of leaving you. If nothing else, you should discuss with him what he thinks marriage will be like and the challenges the two of you will face when the last of your children leave the nest. You might even suggest you do some marriage counseling before then. If he agrees to that they your marriage might stand a chance of making it through those years of transition.

If not then you get to start preparing for divorcing this "jerk." That means emotional, financial and physically preparing yourself and coming up with a plan.

The second thought is that a man's biggest sex organ isn't between his legs, it is between his ears. If you want to continue the marriage (only you can decide that) then start to seduce and f#*k his mind. You have been married to him for 21 years. You know him, you know his preferences, his sexual desires. Tell him that you want him to share with you his sexual fantasies and that you will not judge him or hold them against him, if you can really walk the talk. Tell him you may or may not be able to make them come true, but you will listen, not judge and see if there isn't some way you can at least do role playing so he has the illusion of experiencing his fantasies if not experiencing them.

He has told you he doesn't like looking at your naked body. That is horrible, but figure out if there is some outfit you could wear that would arouse him to passion, then offer to do some role playing in that outfit. Again, you should know his hot buttons after 21 years of marriage. If you make some of his fantasies come true, you are probably much more attractive than the cheating skank he has lusted after. Maybe she has left some clues on social media as to what she does that men (like your husband) find attractive. Some men have the strangest fetishes and fantasies. He might really get off on you wearing a school teacher outfit, dominatrix, garter & stockings, corset, school girl, cheer leader, go-go dancer, stripper, prositute, cow girl, police woman, Disney character, or Marvel heroine costume. If you can emotionally handle it, you just might blow his mind to the point that he sees you in a totally different light. 

Yes, ideally he should want you for who you really are and not some image in his mind. However, once you have f-d his mind you can work on reintroducing him to the real you, should you desperately wish to keep the marriage going.

Good luck. You get to decide what you want in your future. The changes associated with an empty next are huge. You should start thinking about them and what it is that you want. Offering him the opportunity to be part of your future is a nice offer, but one he may not want. Again, Good luck.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, he has a particular body type that turns him on (probably from watching too much porn) and that is stuck in his mind.

assuming you do not just kick his azz out of the house....get the sexiest lingerie you can find. Put that on, and do the dance again! See if suddenly he DOES get turned on. its worth a try. 

if he still does not show any interest, it is time to find a boyfriend. You let him come back from the affair, but he never really came back, nor did any of the heavy lifting required to make the marriage work after the affair.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> I have two dramatically different thoughts.
> 
> The first is that this has been going on for 8 years of your 21 year marriage. How sad. The good part is that three of your children are 18 or older. For most couples (prior to Covid) this would mean you are very close to "empty nesters."
> His stalking the "ex" he had the affair with is a very bad sign for the huge changes that happen when you have an empty nest. He may be preparing for that day with plans of leaving you. If nothing else, you should discuss with him what he thinks marriage will be like and the challenges the two of you will face when the last of your children leave the nest. You might even suggest you do some marriage counseling before then. If he agrees to that they your marriage might stand a chance of making it through those years of transition.
> ...


this, actually, is a great idea.
lets say he is into being tied up and being pegged, or some other peculiar sexual kink....
it does not matter if you are clothed or not. in fact, tight black leathers, stilletto heels....all would go with the dominant part of his sexual kink. i.e. let the kink dictate the sex, not your naked body.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP made one post and hasn't been back. I'm thinking a drive-by poster.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP made one post and hasn't been back. I'm thinking a drive-by poster.


Or she forgot about us.


----------



## Betty Sue (Jul 10, 2021)

I really appreciate all of the feedback. I’ve read each posting and am grateful that you would take the time to consider my situation and respond.
Since my post, we have had several discussions on what was said and he says he put his foot in his mouth. The words and sentiments can’t be taken back though and this situation has uncovered a lot of unresolved issues in our marriage. The scab that formed around the affair has been completely ripped off and all of the feelings of insecurity have rushed back in. 
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of divorce. This is all I’ve known for 21 years. At the same time I am more curious now than ever…about what life could be like to detach from him emotionally.
Thank you again for your responses.


----------



## renee79 (Jun 8, 2021)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Betty Sue said:


> I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of divorce.


You were probably terrified of getting married, but you did it. You can work through whatever will benefit you.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Betty Sue said:


> I really appreciate all of the feedback. I’ve read each posting and am grateful that you would take the time to consider my situation and respond.
> Since my post, we have had several discussions on what was said and he says he put his foot in his mouth. The words and sentiments can’t be taken back though and this situation has uncovered a lot of unresolved issues in our marriage. The scab that formed around the affair has been completely ripped off and all of the feelings of insecurity have rushed back in.
> I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of divorce. This is all I’ve known for 21 years. At the same time I am more curious now than ever…about what life could be like to detach from him emotionally.
> Thank you again for your responses.


Wouldn't think you could be any worse off than you are now, married to someone who cheated on you, now talks to you like he did, and sleeps in the basement doing whatever with his free time. It sounds abusive to me. The only thing wrong with the 21 years is if you let it turn into 25 or 30 years. It doesn't sound like your husband is a prize women are standing in line to be with. If he were and another female noticed him, bet he would be off to the races cheating on you again. Am guessing the only thing he is lacking is opportunity. For all you know he may still be seeing his old flame, but if they aren't together, him stalking her is pretty creepy on it's own. It sure doesn't sound like there is anything to save here.

Do you have any close divorced female friends and/or relatives you can confide in to talk about detaching from your abusive marriage? How they transitioned from a long "marriage"? Having been married so long, it will take some time and effort to learn to love, respect and standup for yourself. To refuse to tolerate disrespect from anyone. And you will need to avoid being victimized again. The first male to show kindness and attention isn't necessarily any improvement over what you are with now. You are vulnerable. No doubt there are female TAM members who have walked your path and could help. Maybe start a thread in the "Famale Lounge" section about how to move forward successfully.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/my-story.429561/



This thread may be of help to you. Life... is one of our moderators.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Cici1990 said:


> How is it puzzling? I suppose it’s like how I’m confused by how some men hate giving oral (apparently all men on TAM just LOVE doing it, but I’m talking about the real world) and then there are some (on TAM) who would leave their wives if they didn’t allow their husbands to regularly lick their puss. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.


It’s puzzling because it’s so opposite. One wife ‘s husband doesn’t fry her eggs like she likes them, so she gets a divorce, while another woman’s husband cheats, abuses, and does all sorts of disrespectful stuff, yet she desires to stay. I can’t imagine what winning quality that man has that out weights the bad. 

I can understand your confusion with the men you described. I also find that very puzzling.


----------

