# I think it is time....



## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Sorry if this is long, I will try to keep it short as possible. 

My husband and I have been together for 7 and married for almost 5. 

We have been having problems on and off our entire relationships due to intimacy issues that I feel have gotten way better the last year but my husband has so much resentment that he doesn't see it. He is also very emotionally abusive when he gets angry and has threatened to leave several times. 

I have been practicing the 180 which has made me more confident and strong than I ever have been before which is now making me realize that I don't need to be scared of him leaving or put up with him calling me names. 

Here is the problem....

Most of the time he seems happy and he tells me how much loves me ect. Than, when we fight, he tells me how unhappy he is and how he doesn't want to be with me anymore. 

We had a great weekend together than last night we got into a huge fight. He usually will call me names but this time he took it over the ledge. Sorry for the language but these are a few things that he called me/said. 

C**t (has never called me this before)
Worthless Bi%&H
That I was a retard and had mental problems
That I was un-greatful
That he doesn't want to be with me anymore
That he thinks I suck my fathers D**k (has never said this before)
That I was insecure princess and weak
and a few others things 

Afterwards, he told me he was going to leave me. I told him ok. We got home, and I went to bed. he followed a few minutes later and came and cuddled with me and told me he loved me and he was sorry for saying those things.

I told him that I appreciated his apology and left it at that. 

Today, he has been texting me on and off and asking me if I was ok. I told him yes but I'm not. 

I am willing to forgive him for what he has said but all I can think about is what a pathetic little boy (have never called him this) he is and that I don't want to deal with it anymore. We have a lot of good times but at this point, it doesn't seem worth it to me. I never know when he going to explode and I don't want to live like this anymore. 

And yes, I have brought up his abusive behavior sooo many times in the past and he either a. says he doesn't like to be that way and will try not to or b. says that if I wouldn't argue with him than it wouldn't happen. 

With the 180, I have decided that if he wants to leave, I won't stop him but maybe its time for me to make the decision instead of waiting for him. 

I have no respect for him anymore and I don't trust him with my thoughts or feelings because he stomps them down when he is mad. 

I know that I am guilty of things too. I am the one that didn't want to have sex and rejected him all the time which has made him resentful so I take full responsibility of what I have brought to the table and he knows this because we have talked about it to death. 

So confused...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He seems to have some serious mental issues. I would get him to a dr asap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I don't know about mental issues, but certainly he has a very real anger problem. Not feeling like having sex isn't a big deal. Not feeling like having sex most of the time and thinking it isn't a big deal, IS a big deal. So yes there is some share of the responsibility for marital issues, but not for his anger problem. There is no excuse whatsover for that. I think doing the 180 while still together isn't going to be super helpful if you do tie it to some other form of change.

I'm curious if you have tried anything like the following... Sitting him down and sharing with him the situation as you see it. Like, "[Husband], I fully acknowledge that I have shared in the responsibility for our marriage being at the point it is now. I recognize that in rejecting you sexually for long periods of time and not making efforts to correct that problem, I was rejecting you fully as a man and denying you your need to feel love and respect. For that I apologize and I have been working on that problem and would like to continue to do so. With that said, you too have contributed to the situation and I need to make certain that you understand that, accept it, and are going to take genuine quantifiable steps towards resolving those problems. This is a personal boundary for me going forward. Being disappointed or upset in someone is perfectly reasonable at times, but you taking your anger out on me to such an extent as yelling, using foul language, throwing/damanging things, etc. is and will forever be unacceptable to me. I will not allow myself to be subject to that ever again. I am not your mother and you are not a child, so I will ask you now what you are going to do to ensure that your anger problem is addressed? What other issues do you intend to correct? Would you like to share any other concerns that you think I should be working on as well?" and hopefully that will start a productive, calm conversation. I'd end it with something like, "I love you, and I will continue to put effort into this relationship. In the meantime, your harsh words and treatment have hurt me greatly so I would ask that you please respect that and give me some time to heal while we both work to prove ourselves to each other."

Just a thought. Without both of you recognizing that there are issues that need addressed, and holding yourselves accountable for progress to those ends, I don't see the 180 being very helpful at all. There has to be some accountability involved, consequences clearly laid out, that sort of thing. Otherwise I just see the 180 doing more harm than good in the long term.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Thound said:


> He seems to have some serious mental issues. I would get him to a dr asap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He denies that he has an anger or problem or the later. I have asked him to get help for it and he says no.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

CDBAKER, 

Yes, I have sat down with him on numerous occasions and told him that I know what I have done to contribute to our problems and have said how sorry I was. I have asked for forgiveness and asked us to be able to move forward because the intimacy thing is different now. He says that he is not able to move on and forgive and everytime we fight, he brings up what I did to him. 

I have said that we are both guilty of the negative things that have happened in our relationship and that in order to get back on track, we have to look at what is going on now instead of living in the past all the time. 

I have also expressed to him how much it hurts when he yells and calls me names and he either a. says he doesn't like doing it and will try not to or b. says if I wouldn't disagree with him or "disrespect" him than he wouldn't have to resort to yelling or name calling.......

Once I forgive him for the things he says, I don't throw it in his face but I wish he would do the same thing to me. Its is getting harder and harder to forgive him and I am getting to the point where I am run down and enjoy being alone more often than not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why does he keep doing this? Because you let him. He acts in an unacceptable manner, and all he needs to do is apologize and he's good till the next time it happens. And you sit and stew in your hurt feelings and resentments while pretending (and telling him) that you're ok. 

So how do you stop this cycle? In my opinion, you need to start laying out boundaries that you're willing and able to enforce. Only you can decide what those are. If it was me, I'd start with him getting into and anger management program and truly working at it. If not, a separation, with you working on divorce. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why does he keep doing this? Because you let him. He acts in an unacceptable manner, and all he needs to do is apologize and he's good till the next time it happens. And you sit and stew in your hurt feelings and resentments while pretending (and telling him) that you're ok.
> 
> So how do you stop this cycle? In my opinion, you need to start laying out boundaries that you're willing and able to enforce. Only you can decide what those are. If it was me, I'd start with him getting into and anger management program and truly working at it. If not, a separation, with you working on divorce.
> 
> ...


I guess I never fully looked at it that way that I do allow him to keep doing it by allowing him to just apologize and move on. It's so hard though because he always has a way of making it about him. I just need to be stern and put my foot down. Thanks!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

behappy123 said:


> He is also very emotionally abusive when he gets angry and has threatened to leave several times.


If he's abusive, then he needs therapy. You need to insist on this. Therapy or you leave.



behappy123 said:


> I don't need to be scared of him leaving or put up with him calling me names.


Then DON'T put up with it.




behappy123 said:


> Afterwards, he told me he was going to leave me. I told him ok. We got home, and I went to bed. he followed a few minutes later and came and cuddled with me and told me he loved me and he was sorry for saying those things.
> 
> I told him that I appreciated his apology and left it at that.


Why did you do this? You don't really accept his apology so why did you say that you did? I would have been in the bedroom packing him a suitcase.



behappy123 said:


> I told him yes but I'm not.


People treat us how we teach them to treat us. You have taught him that his abuse is fine and you'll just brush it aside. That's on YOU. You have to be the one to change and not accept his abuse.




behappy123 said:


> And yes, I have brought up his abusive behavior sooo many times in the past and he either a. says he doesn't like to be that way and will try not to or b. says that if I wouldn't argue with him than it wouldn't happen.


You say that either a. he gets immediate professional help or b. you will be filing for divorce.




behappy123 said:


> So confused...


What are you confused about? You know you shouldn't be with an abusive jerk. So stop it. Either he gets help for his abusive behavior or you leave him. It's not that confusing.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with PBear above.

And I just realized I suggested a few of the same things in your other thread as I did here, which you responded to above, so I apologize for repeating anything.

He's clearly hurting and distrustful. I know I did when my wife was doing the same things early in our marriage and didn't realize what she was doing (as you have) until a right before we separated. That was three years ago and we only just recently got back together. One thing that helped make it 10x easier for me to forgive her (and I think my wife would say the same as far as her forgiving me for my issues) is that I could look back at the hurtful things she did and know that she did those things out of ignorance, not because she didn't care, is a cruel person etc. She did not realize how much damage it was causing the relationship and how hurtful it was to me. Just as I didn't realize how hurtful I was being to her in my own ignorant behaviors.

For me that makes an enormous difference. Because I can realize that she isn't a cruel person, and that she does indeed love me, and can now prove it by changing her behaviors to reflect her new found understanding.

Anyways, yes I agree with PBear, there has to be consequences for his actions at this point. You have to make clear that it is a boundary for you, not a threat for him. That crossing this particular line is unacceptable, and you won't put up with it, thus there will be consequences. He can continue to explode in rage and insults to his hearts content if he so chooses, because he is an adult and you have no desire to control him, but you don't have to put up with it.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> I agree with PBear above.
> 
> And I just realized I suggested a few of the same things in your other thread as I did here, which you responded to above, so I apologize for repeating anything.
> 
> ...


Did you always believe that she was doing it out of ignorance and that she didn't mean to purposely hurt you or did that take some time? I have told him that I didn't know what was going on with me and my body, and that I didn't mean to put him through everything that I was and how sorry I was but he still has a bard time believing that I wasn't doing it on purpose. When we are having talks about it he says he knows that I wasn't trying to be that way but I shouldnt have done that anyway and when he is mad he says that I did it on purpose and that I am disrespectful for what I did. 

I agree that his behavior is unacceptable but I haven't fully put my foot down about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

My husband did this. I found out he was a serial cheater and he would get mad at me after cheating on me cause he was mad at himself. Just putting it out there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think I always figured that her lack of interest in sex were based either in some chemical imbalance or condition going on or perhaps emotional baggage related to growing up without a dad, seeing various boyfriends of her mom come and go, including a couple living with them over the years. Then when her mom got married and her step dad moved in (who is a really decent guy, we all like him for the most part even now, 15 years later), he had a habit of feeling like it was ok to walk around naked. Not just casually like a nudist, but before showering he would often strip in the bedroom and then walk to the bathroom. Or if his clothes were in the dryer he wouldn't have a problem walking to the laundry room naked to get them. He raised three sons, never had any daughters, and my wife was about 7 years old when he moved in.

More relevant to this discussion however isn't that she had a lack of interest in sex/low libido, it's the fact that she didn't see this as a problem or view sex as a relational necessity. She thought that rejecting me sexually was the equivalent of saying she didn't feel like playing video games with me, or going running with me. Like sex can be a cooperative or solo activity, so not wanting to participate isn't a big deal. Or that sex is just an an activity, like a hobby, an interest. So denying me wasn't a big deal because she figured there are lots of other activities we enjoyed together. Further, by trying to push the issue of sex, she would interpret that as extremely hurtful and disrespectful towards her, because that clearly meant (in her mind) that I just wanted to use her, that she wasn't a person in my view but just a sex machine. 

An analogy for that completely ignorant point of view might be video games. If you tell someone they can't play xbox, and they don't make a big deal of it and move on, then there isn't a problem. It's ok to be disappointed, but nothing more. If they push repeatedly to play xbox, over and over again, are constantly upset and frustrated that they can't play xbox when they want to, then you might understandably come to believe that they are addicted and it has become a real problem. In her mind, sex was the same way. She could understand why someone might enjoy it, and be disappointed at not being able to do it, but anything more than that didn't make any sense to her and equated to being a problem.

So yes, I saw her view that lack of sexual desire isn't a problem as being an issue of ignorance, not as an intentional interest in hurting me. Logically speaking anyway. Because even though I was confident that she just didn't "get it", it was still an enormous daily struggle. Because obviously sex isn't just about getting off or even a way to show love. For many men (most even I bet), it is the #1 show of respect that our wives can offer us. We know that our sex drives are typically higher than most women, and we know that we can't always be perfect sex stallions in bed, but when a wife can does her best to meet our needs and treats us as though we are stallions in bed? Holy cow, that is our absolute ideal woman. Most other things would be secondary.

So remember, even if he acknowledges the ignorance or something similar, it is still difficult to get past. Ultimately however, he absolutely has to be able to forgive, move on, and not bring up the past anymore. Certainly not if you really have changed and things are progressing as they should be presently however.

All of what I just said sort of ignores his problem behaviors however. This seems like a situation where he was wronged and that might have contributed to his becoming an a$$hole now. You seem to be in a situation where you unintentionally wronged him before, but now you understandably struggle to want to be friendly/sexual with him when he is being an a$$hole. It's a tough situation.


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## JLinJapan (Aug 29, 2013)

Whether you are having sex with him or not, he SHOULD NOT have said those things to someone he claims he loves.


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