# Mars calling Venus



## Oldfart (Mar 14, 2009)

Wouldn't mind an opinion or two from the women of Venus.

Been married for 25 years, what a history!!

It's has been a great marriage, I know my wife loves me as I love her. My confusion is this......when is a relationship just "good friends" that is, a couple who love and care for each other as good friends often do. 

Versus a marriage whereby you have all of the above (and the history) with the passion & intimacy instigated and displayed by both partners. 

In the majority of our marriage, I have always been the instigator of our physical moments and she has always responded.

But over the years I have asked her to make the first move but she tells me she isn’t comfortable doing this. She is a confident woman but would rather sit back, wait and let me start the ball rolling.

I have mentioned to her many a time about cuddling on the couch, giving me a spontaneous kiss while I cook (we have a deal, I do all the cooking she does the washing & cleaning) or giving me a hug.

Now just to let you know, I have always done the above, spontaneous kisses, cuddles, spooning in the bed, tickle on the bum, talking, listening etc………but I don’t get it back and I want and need it for my own survival, happiness and contentment.

Over the years, I have raised this issue many a time but now, well, she just gets relatively annoyed/angry, so we don’t discuss it.

Should I be resigned to the fact that I will never receive what I yearn for and accept the way the cards have been dealt or look for someone else who will give me all of the above and allow me to be content, happy and fulfilled in the later half of my life.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Wow... you're every woman's dream! LOL...

Well, since you've managed to have a successful , by all accounts anyway, long marriage, and you do still have sex (just you initiating), at least that's what I'm gathering from your post. It's just the intimacy , like kissing, and hugging, and her initiating sex that is missing , correct?

Well, I would say that since you two are such good friends, an important part of a marriage, and the component that makes it truly capable of lasting a lifetime, I Definitely think you can get that spark back, and also convey to her, how important it is to you that she take your needs into consideration and try to meet them.

Don't give up, till you've talked at length with her, and also a counselor.

Since you say that she is a bit averse to discussing this more with you, and you will need to discuss this to fix the problem, you've got to tread very lightly, so you don't create a situation where she wants to shut you out every time you bring it up.

Tell her lovingly, as I'm sure you've tried, that you are lonely for affection, and long for love, in every way, not just sex.
Tell her it's paramount to your self esteem as a man, to know that you're needed, and wanted, and that by her initiating sex, she's letting you know how much she desires you.

If she's truly that uncomfortable with initiation, then you could get her some therapy for that. It might be something she can overcome.

Try talking to your priest/pastor, or if you don't have one, any marriage counselor, or sex therapist could help. Even if it's not exclusively about sex, the intimacy issues need to be worked on, and are a part of the whole package. 

you deserve to be given physical affection , just as any other person in a marriage deserves it. You will have to make her see how much this hurts you. Have you really told her, that it's crushing your sense of well being, and your emotional side? 

Make sure you don't hide those feelings of longing and hurt from her. She needs to see what her lack of affection does to you. 
I know many men, will put on a strong face, so they don't appear weak, and not let on to the real extent that something is bothering them. 

Make sure she knows just how much this bothers you, and hurts you. That is not unmanly at all, it's just human. If you have let her know this, and she still does not care, then I think counseling might work for you. Sometimes a third party is a good objective observer , that can make your wife see this is a serious problem. 

She clearly doesn't take it very seriously. but you do... so therefore it's important. 

Is she open to counseling, or have you even talked about it to that extent with her?


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

i created the exact same situation in my marriage. i wish i had realized it & that he had expressed exactly how it made him feel before he got to the point where he was done.

if she gets defensive when you mention this, she may do the same with counseling. if she is unwilling to try counseling, check out Marriage Fitness, i think the two of you might benefit from his program.

I am attempting to do this program by myself to try to reconnect, however it is a very slow process doing it by yourself with one spouse not interested in reconnecting.

but i think it would have a wonderful outcome for 2 spouses willing to work at it together...probably even fun. check it out.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

I also have done the same thing - enabled my husband to never have to initiate any sex. I'm to the point where sex no longer exists in this 4+yr marriage. I am ready to give up. My husband said he's not "the aggressive type". Well, he was married 3X before and he had to be somewhat aggressive to be in 3 other relationships, right? He tells me all of the previous marriages ended because they all cheated on him. Well, I think maybe I know why now. I should have looked deeper before marrying him. I blame myself for this situation and think it's over. I deserve better than this and if he won't make attempts then it's the deal breaker for me. He is very introverted,but don't you think a man like that should try if they want the marriage to work? I hear where you are coming from and I don't know how you have hung on for this long. I would have been out of there a heck of a long time ago.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Sounds like you have a good loving marriage that is worth keeping. If she responds well to you when you initiate hugs, kisses, sex, then I would resign yourself to the fact that she's not an initiator and continue to be (mostly) happy.

I recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" if you haven't. It might contain clues as the why of your problem.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Be glad with what you have. If lack of initiative is the only problem you have with your wife, then you are extremely blessed in your marriage. I have been reading some very serious problems on here, and I have a few dilemmas of my own. Would you be happier to have no sex with your wife? Don't push her or change her to something she does not want to be.


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## Su Prieta (Apr 4, 2009)

I am relatively new to marriage (only one year and a half), but I am wondering about something that no one else has mentioned. Might it be effective if you stopped initiating, stopped the spontaneous kisses, the spooning in bed, etc. for a certain period of time. Enough to get her attention. I wouldn't shut down in other ways, but basically all of your physical affection would stop for this period. Is she the kind of woman that would respond to this by perhaps wanting to talk to you about this change? If so, this may be the point where you can lovingly reiterate your feelings and let her know that it is imperative that the two of you work on re-establishing a physical connection together. This may also be your precursor to introducing counseling.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

I'll address that! That is exactly what I did before he shut down completely. I just stopped initiating and that's when there was absolutely nothing. Even last night there was ample time to make an attempt at "something". Well, nothing happened. He just makes no attempt and if I don't then there is nothing. The counseling will bring out the deep seeded troubles behind his not wanting to compromise. That's what I am asking for is "compromise". Not to be the initiator all the time, just some of the time. He's lazy when it comes to spontinaity. He is not romantic at all. It's a very dull life to say the least. At least the "minute man ex" would surprise me with flowers once in awhile. Or leave notes for me just on a whim. The guy I am married to now is just very laid back and lets life just happen as it may. He has no hobbies, no interests (except deer hunting for about 2 months out of the year). That's it. We don't go out together or have anyone over for entertaining. It's just "wasting my time".


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Counseling is always a good idea--individual or couples--so start looking into that.

I quit initiating with my husband when I stopped being attracted to him because he did not listen to me about my needs, especially (but not only) sexual needs. Why would I initiate something that was going to leave me angry and frustrated? I meantion this b/c you need to ask her IF there are underlying issues. Or better yet, ask her WHAT are the underlying issues? She may not be able to answer this at first--tell her you need to assume that there are underlying issues, that you want to work on them, and that you don't want an answer right away. But if she is not attracted to you, you need to know and the two of you need to decide if to work on this and how.

This is a very scary conversation to have, and my guess is that she will deny it and say something like, "I'm just not comfortable initiating." Do not accept that as an answer, and tell her it is ok for her to think that, but you need her to get beyond it and think about WHY she is not an initiator. Maybe it was her upbringing, maybe it's something else. But until you both accept that "I'm just not an initiator" is not the real answer, nothing will change.

Look at all the feedback you get, and find your path. Put yourself at the center of the problem, and the path will show itself. It may be a difficult path, but you will know it is right. Best of luck.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Hello! 

I feel really excited about my idea when reading all the posts. How about conditioning your partner? 

You can either role model or discuss it first that you will have a sign/signal when you would like your partner to initiate sex in general/foreplay/cuddle/kiss. It will be a cool new way to excite and try new things to open up your partner. 

For example, if you prefer to discuss that you would like to have a signal for your partner to initiate sex (even though you are initiating sex in the sense of giving a signal, but it is the initial action is entirely up to your partner) express that you are open w/o judgment to accept whatever comes next. say that you will give this signal (using your two fingers, index and middle, run it down the right side of your neck down to the end of the neck) and that initiates kissing your partner has to come up with any type of sex act next and that you will accept whatever it is w/o judgment because you are open to her ideas. 

if you decide to role model and condition her through redirecting her behavior you can take your index/mid finger sensually touch her upper to around her lower lip back to upper lip, give her the innocent eye unless you know she prefers horny eye (you dont want to scare her away) and place your fingers in an area you would like her to kiss. you can caress her fingers and then place your hand in an area and wait for a moment for her hand to touch that place. 

it may seem uncomfortable to play this part, but give it a try. she could be sexually uncomfortable to express that part of her sex drive or not know how to respond if that was not a part of their upbringing to even talk about sex. so sex overall could really be in mind restricted to a man being the aggressor and the woman passive and the receiver. 

so venture into the bedroom or wherever and try it out. I would like to know if the results over time became satisfactory, since I have tried to with my fiance a while back and it works. talking to him he just gets all mixed up. showing with my body, eyes, talking with hands proved more pleasure worthy in a long time.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

The partner with the greater need or sensetivity is always the looser no matter what we're talking about. The person with the greater sex drive, or emotional need, or even who is cleaner around the house is always going to be the one who feels that needs are not being met. The question is what kind of a relationship do you have that when you make a reasonable request of your spouse (more hugs.....) that they tell you to get lost. They might as well be telling you they dont love you. You're feelings dont matter to me and you're not worth me taking one step outside of my comfort zone. She's going to refuse to be affectionate with you and yet if you found the affection you need with someone else she'd feel betrayed. Nice........


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