# What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

I have been reading the theory and principles behind “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. The principles seem appropriate for our situation. She feels hurt by me for the years of control, lack of appreciation, and lack of support. I am taking the steps to change. She has acknowledged that she sees the changes yet says she does not feel them. She has mentioned moving out several times and I have said I am not going to stop you, but have also begged her to give it time before she goes. She says she wants to move into an apartment, but the ones she found all had year leases, and she wanted something shorter. I have begged her not to on two occasions. 

We tried marriage counseling. We had two meetings with our pastor, and after the second one she felt like her feelings were not being taken into an account and that the years of hurt and pain can’t just go away. We meet with a different marriage / grief counselor last Monday and when she asked the counselor what do with all the feelings she was having towards me the counselor asked her to write them down. My wife did not see the benefit in that and right after we left the counseling session she exploded on me. She has since said she is not ready for marriage counseling, and she needs to focus on herself, and she just wants to be happy. She does have an appointment next Monday for an individual grief counselor. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. However, her actions are not all negative. Sometimes she says she wants to work on the relationship. Her feelings can change 3 times in one hour. She started texting this guy a lot and I confronted her and she admitted to it being inappropriate, but only the start of an emotional affair. She said it was wrong and she would stop. According the “Love Must Be Tough” principals (very simplified) I should tell her she is free to go and open the cage for her. 

However I don’t think it applies to our relationship. Her dad died in July after a year long battle with lung cancer. The year long ordeal took its toll on my wife. She was an emotional wreck for a year. When he died her grief went through the roof. I know everyone grieves differently, but for her this was a major loss. Also on her plate 2 weeks after her dad died she found out her mother has terminal cancer and has 2 years to live. The breakdown in our relationship occurred 1 month ago shortly after her mom ended up in the hospital from side effects of chemo, and seeing her mom for the first time without any hair. She has not had any grief counseling. This next Monday will be her first appointment. I have not been a good husband for the last 14 years all and my recent attempts to change and help out more have been meet with resentment and anger. I know this is normal, and there is no timeline to be followed. 

She asked for space the other day, and rather than her move out and really disrupt the children’s (ages 4 and 8) lives I suggested I move out for a while. I am staying in a hotel for now. I have been there for 3 nights. I am honoring her request for space, and on the first night she called and we talked for about 1 hour. Since then she has not contacted me in any way. I want to text her and tell her I love her, but I don’t think she wants that right now. I think she is suffering a lot of guilt for the way she is treating me. She wrote me a not and put it in my suitcase I packed for the hotel. It said “I truly do love you with all my heart! I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I hope you can forgive me. Know that wherever you are I’m thinking about you  Love you, “

Her family has called me and asked about her because she has ignored their calls and has not confided our relationship problems or how sad she is about her dad and mom to them. She used to confide every detail of her life with her sister and mother. Now they are asking me what is going on. Early in this her sister told her she could not believe she was going to give up on our marriage. Her sister encouraged her to work on our marriage. After that conversation my wife said she was tired of her family controlling her also. She has abandoned all her old friends she says that her friends are trying are trying to control her and only want from her. She is tired of giving to all of them. She has not confided her feelings about our relationship to her family or old friends. She has started a new friendship with a lady 30 years older than her. They have only been friends for about 3 months (right after her dad died and her mom was diagnosed) my wife says this lady is like a mother to her, and the lady says she is like the daughter she never had. This lady has given her a job at a business she owns. My wife was a stay at home mom until 1 month ago. This lady has taken my wife out and bought her clothes. They are planning a trip to Jamaica together. She spends 4 to 5 nights a week with her. She also works with her so they are together all the time.

So with all that should I follow the tough love guidelines and set her free, or is this not the time for tough love? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your wife has lost her dad and is losing her mom and is in desperate need of emotional support, a lot of emotional support

she's come to understand that her family has little support to offer and she never found a safe place to fall in her marriage due to her husband's abusive behaviour, and so she couldn't turn to him in her time of great need.

she may not be seeing this correctly because she's viewing the world through the lens of intense grief.

so she turns where she feels she can find the support she needs to survive.

yes, you need to allow her to find her way, as long as she's in counseling.

i'm sorry for everyone's loss.


----------



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I am going thru something simular. I ahve figure out my wife has the walk away wife complex. Nothing I do helps. At this point I ahve come to terms that she will leave I suggested seperation because the two times I pushed her towards divorce she stepped back. She wants to find herself and see if she can make it on her own. I wish her luck but it will be a tall mountain to climb for her.
We tried councling that did not work she says she does not belive in it. I have tried to show her articles about saving a marriage she will not read them. She is going thru menapose thaty does not help. She does have a old FRIEND she talks to. She also lost a great friend about the same time our marriage imploded. She is running from something I don't know what. But to run from a husband that would move heaven and earth and two of the best kids in the world I just don't get it. She is not moving down the street she is moving 1300 miles away.
Confused 555
I feel for you I has been 6 or 7 months now and it is one heck of a roller coaster ride. I have begged, cried, sent letters, love notes and anything else i thought would help with no change. But what I ahve found is if you are upbeat, take care of the kids and leave them alone every now and then they reach out. We did not touch for a few weeks and then she said she missed it, I did to. Those are the little steps I hope that will fix us. Hope fully you can do the same. Just dont feel like you are the only one out there.
Hang in there


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What did you do for all those years that was so awful? 

Were you chronically cheating on her?

What is this controlling behavior stuff - what does that mean?

Did she tell you along the way that she was unhappy? Why is she so negative about her family as well? Because I will tell you, if you are such a bad guy, why did she have kids with you 6 and 10 years into the marriage? And if you are so bad, why didn't she divorce you and THEN look for another man? Actively starting an EA while still actively married is totally wrong. I believe that while you sit in the hotel, she is busy trying to find her next man. I do not think that is fair to you. I believe the only 2 fair choices are
1 - she tries to make it work with you and stops all this texting with another guy
2 - you start a divorce

Give her the security of marriage with the fun of chasing other men is insane. As for her being upset by the deaths - I get that - I really do. My father died less then a month ago. It is not the basis for refusing marriage counseling - she sounds like she wants to put ALL the blame on you - I will tell you now no counselor in the world is ever going to agree that she is 100 percent blameless. 




confused555 said:


> I have been reading the theory and principles behind “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. The principles seem appropriate for our situation. She feels hurt by me for the years of control, lack of appreciation, and lack of support. I am taking the steps to change. She has acknowledged that she sees the changes yet says she does not feel them. She has mentioned moving out several times and I have said I am not going to stop you, but have also begged her to give it time before she goes. She says she wants to move into an apartment, but the ones she found all had year leases, and she wanted something shorter. I have begged her not to on two occasions.
> 
> We tried marriage counseling. We had two meetings with our pastor, and after the second one she felt like her feelings were not being taken into an account and that the years of hurt and pain can’t just go away. We meet with a different marriage / grief counselor last Monday and when she asked the counselor what do with all the feelings she was having towards me the counselor asked her to write them down. My wife did not see the benefit in that and right after we left the counseling session she exploded on me. She has since said she is not ready for marriage counseling, and she needs to focus on herself, and she just wants to be happy. She does have an appointment next Monday for an individual grief counselor. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. However, her actions are not all negative. Sometimes she says she wants to work on the relationship. Her feelings can change 3 times in one hour. She started texting this guy a lot and I confronted her and she admitted to it being inappropriate, but only the start of an emotional affair. She said it was wrong and she would stop. According the “Love Must Be Tough” principals (very simplified) I should tell her she is free to go and open the cage for her.
> 
> ...


----------



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. I did not go into a lot of details because it would take 10 pages to cover it. I have never cheated or stepped out in any way. I have never hit or threatened her. Most of the control issues boil down to her sacrificing her interests so that I would be happy. When she brought everything up 1 month ago she listed 18 years worth of issues where I had controlled her and she did not get what she wanted. One example was that when we went to purchase her a new car. She picked it and we were ready to buy it. Then she found another one that she liked better. It was a rear wheel drive and a much faster car. I told her she would get hurt in the car and it would not get around in snow and ice as well as the front wheel drive car and we could not get that one. Looking back she said She wanted the other car, but she said it was not worth the battle to get it. I admit I was stubborn, and would of argued against it, and if she would of gotten it and then got a speeding ticket or got stuck I would of rubbed it in. That same outline played true for many of the things she felt that I controlled. I only wanted 2 kids she wanted 3. I argued that it would be odd number and someone would be left out. I argued that 5 people can’t fit in a car as well as 4, and that someone would have to share a bedroom. I was relentless, and I got my way. She said the few times she stuck up for her wants it was such a battle that it was just not worth it to fight over it most of the time. 

I know that some of this is grief driven, but I don’t know how much I should accept. I already feel like she has stepped over the line, but I am afraid if I come home and say I am not leaving again the relationship will end. In my mind if she gets several sessions of grief counseling she might see that I am not the source of all her pain and guilt. So I don’t know if I should continue to take it for a while longer, or draw my line in she sand and hope she does not abandon all hope of rebuilding our relationship.


----------



## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Confused... you sound a lot like my husband... "relentless" is the perfect word to describe his argumentative skills. So perhaps I can help a bit. I've had the same conversation many times with my husband... I've told him he's extremely negative, he HAS to be right all the time, and he must win EVERY argument... and he realizes (to some extent) that he does this. But he tells me that his personality is to do that and I should be used to it by now. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to deal with someone on a day-to-day basis who makes EVERYTHING an argument. It's mentally exhausting. It breaks you down to the point where you only argue if you REALLY care about the outcome... i.e. a car that she'll drive for the next 4-6 years.

If she's mentally exhausted from dealing with that for the last 18 years of your marriage and raising two kids, the stress of the grief she's dealing with is making it impossible to live her daily life. Look at it from her viewpoint... there's no way she can escape the pain of her father's death or the pain of her mother's diagnosis... but she can escape you. It's the only option left open to her that gives her some relief. She's clinging to it like a life raft even though she WANTS to love you and be with you (i.e. the note.)

I haven't read the book you mentioned, and I've got problems with my own husband (we're looking for a counselor right now) but I am an action-oriented person. Here's my advice for you to DO:

DO text her to let her know you care, you're concerned and you want to help. It can't hurt... unless you get ridiculous and bother her by texting 20 times a day.

DO be proactive in helping with the kids. Does she need you to do P/U and D/O on some days? Does she need you to deal with dinner a few nights a week? Can you handle birthday parties/dance lessons/whatever on some weekends? Offer help... offer again. Offer repeatedly with the boring, normal things of life. It means a lot. I promise.

LISTEN TO HER. Ask questions and then JUST LISTEN. She's let you be the voice of the marriage for many years... now it's her turn and she might be a little unsure. Don't ridicule and don't be relentless in fighting over something that truly doesn't matter. 

Realize she has to learn how to be happy on her own... and you can't help. Encourage her to see a grief counselor on her own. She won't be able to work on your marriage AT ALL until that's been dealt with to some extent. 

Tell her over and over again how happy you are that you married her, how much you want her to heal and how much you want to be a part of her life again. 

And, as much as this will hurt you, realize she won't be interested in you, your life, your sexual frustration, or your world for a while... she's got some big issues to deal with. You've got to either decide to wholly support her and wait for her... or decide she's not worth it. It's up to you. 

Good Luck.


----------



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

ChimeIn,

Thank you for your perspective. I would love for you to tell me how you feel so that I might better understand my wife’s needs. I have been helping out and releasing my grasp of the silly details I used to control. She has mentioned she sees the change in me. I have joined a celebrate recover group in order to better deal with my issues, and I am going to personal counseling to understand the root of my control issues. It is all helping me, but our relationship is dwindling. She feels like all my effort is too late, and she does not understand why I am willing to change now.

I am also willing to accept the lack of interest of my needs and resentment towards me as very normal in our situation. For me it is worth it. I would do anything to save our marriage. I love her and know that she is hurting, and I caused some of the hurt. I want to make it up to her and live the rest of our lives together in a much stronger relationship. 

One thing you did not mention that I really need help with is know if I should tell her I can’t keep staying in the hotel. I want to see the kids daily not just every other day. I will stay in the basement or whatever she wants, but I can’t stand being away. I also can’t do many of the things you mention from a hotel room. Is it something that for her will seem controlling? I believe that for me this is just a boundary, not a control issue. What are your thoughts on me moving back home?


----------



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

I certainly choose the right screen name when I started this whole ordeal. I struggle with what to do every day. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and can’t get back to sleep. The conversations I have with her are always a mixture of hope and hopelessness. 

It is good that this has been drawn out over several weeks because I am able to not react to some of her statements and actions. She signed a 1 year lease and is suppose to move in Dec 1st. She told me that the manager told her she could cancel anytime before then. She seemed relieved when the apartment manager told her that. Then on the other hand she was talking about how life would be living in the apartment and how she sees her life in a year and it never includes reconciliation. She has talked how she wants us to get along well after the divorce for the kids. She said I still want to plan their birthday parties together. She said things about how everything we have has been my dream. She said it was me who wanted the house with the yard, and this and that. She said all I ever wanted was to stay married to the same man for the rest of my life. 

Her sister told me that my wife told her I was confusing her. My wife told her sister that she was originally set on divorce, but now with all the changes I am making she does not know anymore. I am so afraid that if she moves out it will be over. I can’t do all the nice things I am doing now if she is not in the same house with me. I will do everything I can, but it won’t be the same. I never thought our relationship would end up like this. 

My wife said I could go look at the apartment if I wanted. I told her no thank you. It was her decision and I trust her. I don’t know if I should have gone to look at it or not. 

My counselor gave me a list of 25 things to decide and work on during a separation to make it more conducive to reconciliation. My wife read it, but when I asked about certain points she got defensive and said I was being controlling. Some of the things were like agreeing to reevaluate the separation every month, agreeing not to date other people, deciding how frequently you will see each other during the separation. List your goals for the separation. I asked her for her thoughts on some of these, and she said I was trying to control the separation. I don’t know what to do. It’s like she is going into this blindfolded and has not made any decisions about what she wants out of the separation. I asked her if she wanted me to contact her during the separation and at first she said I don’t know. Then she said something about no contact other than kid exchange for a month. Then later she said something about getting together at least once a week. The next day she talked like she would still come over to the house to decorate for Christmas and stuff like that. She even said stuff about me staying in the apartment with her. 

The “is it loving” is really helping me to be a better person. I am also going through personal counseling and realizing how I got to be the way I am. I have major issues with my father and mother and working on them is painful. He was a controlling abusive father and husband and while I tried as hard as I could to be different than him I ended up controlling my wife in more passive ways. I started to listing to an audio program called “Light her Fire” it is really opening my eyes to what a woman needs from a man to feel loved. I am trying the principals in hopes that she will feel all the love I have for her. Do you guys have any other recommendations?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

confused555 said:


> When she brought everything up 1 month ago she listed 18 years worth of issues where I had controlled her and she did not get what she wanted.


boy howdy...tell me, how common is that? when the woman all of the sudden has a total mental block...the last 18 years have sucked??? come on...

i look forward to the resolution of your problems (and i do think it'll turn out fine...after the grief, the menopause, the car, the texting...)

good luck


----------



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

It is becoming very difficult for me. I am maintaining my composure and my patience on the outside, but on the inside I am falling apart. I am filled with fear inside and can’t make it go away. She has becoming very distant. Any question or comment or action is scrutinized. 

When she left two weekends ago (Friday night to Sunday noon) she came back and criticized me for what I told the kids. They had asked where she was and I told them I though she was at the older ladies house. Apparently my son had asked her why she was gone all weekend, and where she was. This upset her because she wanted me to tell them we got into a fight and that is why she left. She did not want to look like she was the bad guy. I am trying to paint her as positively as I can for the kids, but they don’t understand why she is gone all the time. 

Another time she told me how unfair it was that I got to spend all the time with the kids. I told her she was welcome to take them with her when she went, but she chooses not to. That just made her mad. She said I was making her look like the bad guy. She left again this past Saturday to go to the older ladies house for the afternoon. We were not fighting or anything she said she was just going to watch movies. Our son asked if he could go and she said no she wanted to spend time with her alone. When I put the kids to bed she was still not back. The kids asked and I told them I thought she would be home later. She never came home or called. Sunday around 2:00PM she came home. The kids and I were playing and they never even acknowledged her. Our 5 year old actually called her by her first name (that’s not normal for her) She was angry with me wanting to know what I told the kids. I told her that I had not said anything negative about her. I told her they asked me why she did not come home Saturday night, and I told them you must have spent the night with the older lady. She even said something like well next weekend I’ll take the kids so you can see what it feels like. I did not say anything, but was extremely confused. Then yesterday she tells me she wants to go out of town shopping this Saturday. I did not ask if she was going to take the kids, but I highly doubt she will.

We are having her family down for Thanksgiving and I was planning on cleaning the house on Saturday and Sunday. I want the dinner to be everything she wants, but when I asked her questions about this or that she just says I don’t know. I tried the question a few days later as describe what the day would be like if everything went perfect. She told me she does not care about Thanksgiving at all the only person she cared about is dead (her dad). 

My son is having a very difficult time with everything. She is being negative to him and he thinks she hates him. I tell him that she really does love him, but she is angry at me and for her dad passing right now. I tell him I love him and let him talk about anything he wants. He has a lot of questions about her behavior and I just tell him he needs to ask her about these things because I don’t have the answer. He told me she just gets mad when he asks her. My counselor suggested some exercises (painting drawing making faces and screaming) to help them get their feelings out. I have been doing that with both of them and it seems to help them work through their sad feelings. 

She is seeing a counselor, but I don’t think it is helping her. She told me the counselor does not think she is having any problems with the grieving process, and that she is not depressed. Her counseling appointments are now once every two weeks. 

I don’t think there is anything I can do or say to her about the kids. Putting my foot down or even expressing my feelings almost always results in a disagreement. She passes every thing I say or do through a “is it controlling” filter. Almost any statement can be turned into a controlling statement if you look for it. When in actuality it’s the persons motives that need the questioned not the statement itself. Anything I say or do won’t help the issue. She is very angry it is dominating every relationship she has. She had abandoned her old friends and family. He mom is dying of cancer and she has not called or seen her in 4 weeks. Normally she would talk to her at least once / week. She even skipped a family event because she was too “busy” to attend. 

I am working on me right now. I am trying to get fear out of my heart. I don’t know how to do it. I joined a celebrate recovery group and it has been helping. However some days all I think about it the relationship. I am so afraid I am going to loose her. The logical side in me says “accept the things I can not change”, but the emotional side of me can’t make it happen. I have read countless stories on here and other sites were people are struggling with the same acceptance. I know it takes time, but it sure hurts now. I never thought I would be in a one sided relationship, but here I am and I want so badly for it to all work out. 

Thank you all for your support and advice.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she having an affair with the other woman? Something isn't right about that relationship...


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is another perspective. This was, and still is, a core issue for my spouse. She abandoned the "need" to make decisions for herself. As a result, she really doesn't know who she is, and what she wants.

She labelled me as controling. I'm not controling. However, in the conduct of married life, with kids, there are literally hundreds of little decisions that are made every day. My wife abandoned the ones she didn't want responsibility for - so as a result, somebody else had to make them. Further, she then had somebody to blame for decisions that she didn't like.

This became most evident to me right before I moved out of the house last October. I was looking around at furniture, fixtures, appliances, dishes, plates, hell, even the window treatments in our home. It hit me like a bat. I had picked out everything. EVERYTHING!

Given that statement, it would be easy to think that I'm a control freak - but that's not how it worked. Whether it was a couch, hand towels, or a blender, my wife brought me to the store and basically deferred to me to make the choice. I always did, feeling that 'we' were making the decision. But looking back, did I actually have an interest or need in deciding if the bath towels should be sea foam green, or plum? I could have cared less.

At the time, I never would have imagined that what was going on was unhealthy - but it grew into every aspect of our relationship. Her inability to make a decision revolved around rejection. She feared that if she made a bad decision, she would be mocked (parent issues on her part) so she avoided them like the plague.

Your wife's comments about feeling like everyone is trying to control her are very telling. My guess? You probably weren't the ogre she makes you out to be - but her passivity bred and enabled that perception.

Her being angry at you for _your_ explanation to the kids is another perfect example. She should be the one explaining her actions to her children, not you. You should tell her that. You are enabling the behavior if you continue to cover for her.

As far as what you need to do? You simply cannot try to hang on to her. Because if she comes back, she will be doing the exact same thing that pushed her away in the first place. From her perspective, her not following through with moving out will be what you want - not what she wants. And if she does it - absolutely nothing gets resolved.

At this point, you do need to open the cage. You know why? Because *she* needs to recognize it was never a cage in the first place.
If she is on her own, she has no choice but to make her own decisions - and live with the consequences of those decisions.

Believe me, I know how gut-wrenching and counterintuitive so much of this looks and feels.

She needs to have that lightbulb moment about her life and her marriage. The more you actually try to stay connected with her? The longer you put off her moment of discovery where _she chooses_ to salvage her marriage or to dissolve it.

Even after being out of the house for over a year, her starting and ending another relationship, my spouse still refuses to choose to end the marriage. So once again, the decision falls to me.

See the lawyer. Stay in therapy for yourself. Force yourself to acknowledge that you can and will still have joy in your life regardless of what happens to your marriage.


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Wow Deejo. If I would have looked at the poster name and my name was listed I would just assume I had written it.

Almost word for word with the control accusations and reality of the situation with me and my wife. Uncanny. A lot of our big problems started when we moved into a new house and remodled. I did all of the leg work to get the loan and handled the construction account and it mushroomed from there. 

We have been separated for a month and moving towards divorce primarily because she feels controlled and parented in her own house. I feel, like you, that I was just taking care of the things that if I didn't step in would be left undone. She said that she felt like more of a child in our relationship that even with her own daddy. 

It's real to her....but in reality her preference to come home and kick back on the couch and unwind...or sleep Saturday and Sunday afternoons....turning over all the finances to me after she made a mess of it...she played a major role in the problems that she attributes to me!


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

A couple things that I think you need to do right now that will help clarify the relationship.

- Determine if there is someone else involved with your spouse. Primarily determine if she is in a EA or PA with the OM or OW. I found it somewhat concerning that she is spending a significant amount of time away but more importantly away from her children. That really surprises me.

-Give her space. Your contact needs to be limited. Make sure she completely understands that you want to be there for her and just talk or listen to what she has to say and if you do this the right way, she may take you up on the offer. If she does, you must NOT judge her, offer your suggestions, attempt to fix anything for her, or have any form of opinion. In time you can attempt to help but right now she needs an ear. It needs to be your ear at some point and I would believe that if there is no one else involved, other than her female friendship if thats what it is, she may eventually come around to open up dialogue with you.

-Give her that space as mentioned above. How you do this is by eliminating all contact with her. If she texts you, don't immmediatly respond. In fact I would wait a day or two. If you are in constant contact or immediately there for her, she will know you will always be there for her which is not what you want at this point. I know it sounds a little crazy, especially when your heart is in the place it is right now but I neglected to do this with my ex and I wish I would have. What your doing is what my therapist described to me as letting the puppy run and you not chase it. Eventually it will look back to wonder why you aren't chasing it. That is when you are then able to be there for her but she can't think you will always be there at this junture in her life. She needs to want that back from you and she may not realize it until she realizes that she will lose you. Point being, as with the open the cage comment above, she needs to come to the realization that she WILL be all alone if she continues down that path she is on. 

-You need to start carrying on with your own life. I know this will be excruciating but you must do this. It is part of the healing process for you that you have to follow through on regardless of how screwed up you feel inside. I would start by making a list of activities you can do by yourself, for you only. Go to a gym, I can not say how benificial this was for me. I went from 215 down to 190 and felt great about myself. I met people while doing it, was able to feel that physical side of me strengthening and made me actually feel like I was desirable again to others. Another thing I did was start tanning. I was one of those people who needs the vitamin E from that and it really lifted my spirits. Between those two things I really was able to start recovering. I took cooking classes, started to go to the library, and go out to eat (even if it was alone which does kind of suck at first). Point is though, I was able to start meeting people and making friendships. I can not stress enough how important it will be to your recovery to get out and do these types of things for yourself. You can include your children in some of these types of activities as well. But you also need some of these for you only, you have to put yourself first in some of this. If you do meet people, don't dump out all of your baggage that your carrying at first. What you do not want to do is allow your mind to dwell on your issues when your out, god knows its hard as heck to do, but you have to attempt to seperate that part of you while you are out.

Always remember this. You are going through a cycle and it will run its course with you. There isn't a ton you can do to speed it up or get through that recovery and honestly your wife holds the cards right now with that recovery. You will probably grow to resent her because she controls this with you. Which honestly shows you are not as controlling as she is painting that picture. Of course there are things that perhaps you have controlled but it sounds like your eyes are finally open, which is what is important. What you do with that realization is what is important to the marriage if you are given a second chance. Once you have strengthened your own spirit on your own, she may take notice even more and want to come back to you. That is why you have to do those things I described. She needs to see you are focused on you and improving yourself. It may become attractive to her.

Don't do what I did and live in a box. I did not do those things above for a long time. I sat in my house alone with no family or friends where I live. I had no interaction what so ever for about six months, over the winter, and literally it fractured my personality severely. It felt like solitary confinement. It was excruciating for me. I honestly had a difficult time conversing with people when I finally did get out and start doing the things above. All while my ex was across the country living with another man and denying there was something going on. And I was stupid enough to believe her. Love is blind I guess sometimes. Point is, don't make the same mistakes I made in the process. Get out of the house and start living. If you have ever seen the Jim Carry movie Yesman, its ironically a lot like that. That is honestly the mentality I would have taken if I could go back to the beginning of the seperation that led to divorce. 

Oh and my ex in the end came back wanting to work on the marriage but I refused to due to her infidelity. And she had every single thing in common with your wife now and what she says. I think Chimein was spot on with what she said too. 

Good luck and best wishes. I hope this helps you.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I fell for my wife's apologies and attempts to keep her affair a secret from our family and friends and all it bought me was catching again and again and again.....

The behavior didn't stop until I actually went to a lawyer. When she found out about that, she knew I was serious about ending the marriage. Now are problems are with the healing process, but at least she finally quit cheating and stays home.


----------



## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Maybe I can offer some insight. I have labeled my husband as controlling. I made most of the day to day decisions, but always with the fear of his reaction in my mind. My decisions were always based on what HE would think or say, not what I wanted. Everything from picking a paint color to what shoes I would wear. He accused me off cheating and lying so many times, that I never knew what would set him off. So no more decisions were based on what my feelings were, they were based on what I thought his reaction would be. We bought a new house last year, and I thought it was something that he wanted to. But it wasn't. And that decision that was ultimately mine, was the beginning of the end of our marriage. So his control is not obvious to anyone but me. He wouldn't make decisions on his own, he would only blame me for the ones I made. And I truly believe that the accusations of cheating are another form of control. Just to keep me afraid to have friends, go on the computer, talk on the phone. At the end of the day, what matters most is your children. Keep them safe and happy. If she needs to go, then so be it. Maybe she will see that making her own decisions isn't all that it's cracked up to be.


----------



## confused555 (Oct 24, 2009)

Dobo,

The thought that she is having some kind of affair with the OW has been brought up by many people. It is way beyond a normal friendship, and I don’t understand it at all. 

New Beginnings,
I don’t know how to figure out if she is having an EA or PA with either of them. If I had to guess I would say she is having an EA with the OM just from the way she behaves. She started acting funny when he came to a park that we were at. I don’t know how to handle it even if it was true. My counselor had given me a list of some things to agree upon during a separation. When I went over them with my wife she kept saying I don’t know to all of them, but when we got to “Agree to not date other people” she again said I don’t know. I told her that I did not want to stay married to her if she plans to date other people during the separation. Her reply was “I did not know that would be a deal breaker for you”

I have been listening without fixing or judging. I listened to an audio program called “light her fire” and it had a lot of helpful information in it for me. It helped me better understand what a woman needs. I have been doing a better job of listening and giving complements. 

I figure when she moves out the contact will go away. I won’t communicate unless she initiates it. I also plan to tell her that I understand she wants space so I will be here if you need me but otherwise I will keep the communication down to whatever we have to for the kid’s sake. 

The fixing my own life is very tough. I am trying to make new male friends and expand my hobbies.


----------

