# I messed up and he has no idea.



## Azure Blue Topaz (Sep 30, 2012)

I bumped into an old friend with whom I had a brief relationship almost 20 years ago. We were good friends before this happened again.

We are both married. My spouse and I have been together 15 years and have 3 kids. My spouse smokes cigarettes, has issues with drugs and alcohol and parties every weekend. This leaves me to raise the kids. I dont smoke and rarely drink. The taste of cigarettes turns me off. Because of this, we dont kiss and rarely hug. We have sex regularly. At times I have felt invisible, neglected, taken for granted and lonely. He has cheated on me with an ex girlfriend before and since we've been married. They are emotional affairs. 5 years ago I let him know that it had to stop. I believe that it did but I'm sure he's emotionally involved with someone else because that's his personality. 

My spouse is a good person and loves me dearly. We have fallen into the routine of marriage and have little to no time alone without one or more of our children. 

The side relationship began as harmless texting and escalated from there. Our conversations made me feel alive and sexier than ive felt in a long time. I talked to him all day and all night everyday for 4 months. 

I slept with the other person once and felt horrible immediately afterwards. I feel like the most horrible person on earth. Since then I've cut off all communication with this person and explained why. He isn't looking to break up his family and neither am I. The sick part about this is I miss his friendship. It was ruined once this happened.

My spouse has no idea about what I've done. He suspects there may have been something, but I was extremely careful and discreet. 

Im aware that men and women feel differently about cheating. Women eventually forgive but men do not. His territory has been violated by another male. I don't think that I could ever tell him about what I've done because he would never forgive me. That chapter is over and will never ever be visted again. I think that it would be cruel to say anything at all.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

So many justifications... Seems like your husband practically forced you to cheat on him! What i get from all that is "he was asking for it".

No matter what he did (that's on him), if you call yourself his wife still, then this one is on you. 



> He isn't looking to break up his family and neither am I.


Of course not, all he wanted was to swap fluids.
And maybe brag about to his buddies who in turn will snicker about it when they see your husband passing by, until your husband catches wind of it from someone. Which will be made easier because he already suspects. 



> I think that it would be cruel to say anything at all.


As opposed to have a guy being laughed at on his back because his wife is banging another guy? 

Damn, at least get tested for STDs!!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> My spouse has no idea about what I've done. He suspects there may have been something, but I was extremely careful and discreet.


That's not strictly true. If you were really careful and discreet, he'd not suspect a thing, would he?



> Im aware that men and women feel differently about cheating. Women eventually forgive but men do not.


That's not true. Some woman do not forgive cheating. Some men do forgive cheating. For example, I forgave my wife's affair.

But it is entirely your call.

Seems there are several issues you and your husband need to deal with. Drugs and parenting? Ehhh... not such a good mix, in my opinion.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I don't think that I could ever tell him about what I've done because he would never forgive me.
> 
> *Yes it is your decision to tell him. But if the roles were reversed would you want to know? Honestly, if you continue to keep this from him you are being just as selfish as you were when you stepped out of your marriage and became physical with another man. This man has a right to make the decision to keep you or throw you away. You made the same decision to throw your marriage away, why shouldn't he get the same choice?*
> 
> ...


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

My apologies I missed the part where he had cheated on you before. This in no way makes what you have done acceptable though. 2 wrongs never make a right. It sounds like you need to tell him and let him decide. Maybe MC could help you guys.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not buying that the OM was "just your friend" throughout your marriage if you had a romantic/intimate past 20 yrs ago. The affair was happening for a long time before you had sex. You say you 'bumped into him' but then say you were 'good friends before the sex. Which is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does your husband know him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You should tell him before he finds out. 

Finding out is 10x worse when it comes from a third party or they have to snoop to get it. 

You never know when you may be outed. Also what if your OM's wife finds out and tells your husband. 

One poor guy even found out about his wife's infidelity because the jackass she cheated with videotaped it and posted it to his blog for laughs and for the whole world to see. Its still there to this day. 


Tell him. Its ugly either way, but it'd be better coming from you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay quit and don't say one thing about the smoking and the partying your old man is doing that brings so much resentment. Give it time and you will be at it again with same OM or even someone different that isn't married and has no morals.

Its just a matter of time!

**************disclaimer***********
sarcasim

****************************************

do everyone a favor and file for a divorce so the both of you can stop pretenting to have a marriage. Who knows, the both of you you might find the right people that brings out the best in both of you.

You may find some one you can be honest and loyal without resentment and your old man will find a women that can bring out the best in him.

Your kids will have a better example of what it is to have a healthy relationship if the both of you find someone different that can bring out the best in both of you.

Sorry the other man was so crappy in bed, don't do it again until you can leave this marriage with what ever honor you have left.


You know talk is cheap and telling him time and again what you need is not working......so handle this with honesty instead of with lies and tell him you are moving on. 

Then it will be his choice to continue to smoke and drink while you get your self together. 

Ya easier said then done.........but stop being that women you never wanted to be! He diserves at least that much.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry I was so hard, I'm a product of what parents do to stay for the kids.

Now I have my own issues in my own marriage cuz I had a crappy example of what marraige is.....no kissing, no hugging, no love!

If you will allow me this..........I blame my parents for my marital problems in showing me how to love, I blame my cheating wife for how she handled this unhealthy marraige.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Azure, I don't understand why you stayed with your husband being the way he is. 

Now you've gotten sucked into an EA which turned PA, you have this guilt to deal with. The better solution is to be with a better man who treats you better and then even the thoughts of betraying him would keep you from falling into this trap.

I'm normally a poster who says you've gotta tell your spouse but it almost seems like it doesn't matter because you shouldn't be with spouse. Your marriage seems very disfunctional and unhealthy to me. Party boys who have affairs are not marriage material.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> My spouse smokes cigarettes, has issues with drugs and alcohol and parties every weekend.
> This leaves me to raise the kids. I dont smoke and rarely drink. The taste of cigarettes turns me off.
> Because of this, we dont kiss and rarely hug. We have sex regularly.
> At times I have felt invisible, neglected, taken for granted and lonely. He has cheated on me with an ex girlfriend before and since we've been married. They are emotional affairs. 5 years ago I let him know that it had to stop. I believe that it did but I'm sure he's emotionally involved with someone else because that's his personality.


MAybe he will forgive, maybe he won't. 

Mind if I ask a question:
Why did you marry this man?
What do you see in him?
What makes you stay with him after he cheated?
Has he proved himself as a good husband and father? 
Or are you with him because you like the stability of the marriage?
Is he good to your kids when he is around them?
Is he good to you? 

Because this guy doesn't sound like a role model for anyone...no offense.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I bumped into an old friend with whom I had a brief relationship almost 20 years ago. We were good friends before this happened again.
> 
> We are both married. My spouse and I have been together 15 years and have 3 kids. My spouse smokes cigarettes, has issues with drugs and alcohol and parties every weekend. This leaves me to raise the kids. I dont smoke and rarely drink. The taste of cigarettes turns me off. Because of this, we dont kiss and rarely hug. We have sex regularly. At times I have felt invisible, neglected, taken for granted and lonely. He has cheated on me with an ex girlfriend before and since we've been married. They are emotional affairs. 5 years ago I let him know that it had to stop. I believe that it did *but I'm sure he's emotionally involved with someone else because that's his personality.*
> 
> ...


This bolded part is based on some pretty shaky philosophical ground. 

You've got a lot of hand-waving here. Deep down you surely must know your logic is both unsound and unethical. That's why you came to us, to see if we would accept it. And of course we do not. 

There are ways to come out of the nightmare, but the methods you are considering will not bring about the effect you desire, I promise.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the thing: I can think of two posts right off the bat where a wife THOUGHT she left behind her affair and it came back up years later and bit her on the butt.

Now, for all of that, there is supposed statistics which say that many affairs are never detected.

Make your wager and roll the dice. I can pretty much guarantee you this: unless you have decided to become a Stepford wife from now on, if he finds out years later, every insult, rough patch, periods of low sex etc will be seen as proof in his eyes that it wasn't just one night.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You should tell him before he finds out.
> 
> Finding out is 10x worse when it comes from a third party or they have to snoop to get it.
> 
> ...


Kasler, that situation was actually worse, if it's who I am thinking about. I think the OM actually posted it to the wife's own MySpace account, so he knew husband was bound to see the video.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Kasler, that situation was actually worse, if it's who I am thinking about. I think the OM actually posted it to the wife's own MySpace account, so he knew husband was bound to see the video.


That is sick!

It's almost as bad as that cuckold thread, with the oral thing.

Was that posted on this site?


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What happened to OP?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> What happened to OP?


Hopefully she is thinking about what she should do.

Finding out that you are not the nice person you thought you were can take some processing. I know, as it hit me like a bag of wet sand.


----------



## Azure Blue Topaz (Sep 30, 2012)

I have absolutely no intention or desire to ever do this again. Believe me, I feel like the lowest of low. I'm kicking my own behind far worse than you think. It was one time only. 100% protected. 

This is the first and only time that I've been involved in a mess like this. I haven't told a soul. This isn't the type of thing that I'm proud of or want to shout from the rooftop. 

My spouse doesn't know the other person. As I said before the om has just as much to lose as I do. 

I know that we've fallen into a rut but I know that it can be repaired. I eventually forgave him. In time I hope that he will do the same. I stayed with him because I love him and want our family to remain intact. 

There are problems, yes but I don't feel in my heart of hearts that we're headed for divorce. MC definitely would help. 

He is a good father and very involved with our children.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

Will you be okay by concealing this ONS with your bf of 20 years ago?
Does not your conscience prick?

I dont readily buy the mention of ONS. You had a choice and you did it.

Sorry if it hurts.


----------



## Azure Blue Topaz (Sep 30, 2012)

I realize there will be some judgement and harsh words because of what I've done. Im sharing my story for advice, but i know what i have to do. 

Before this happened I hated women who did this because I was on the other end. I was the wife who found emails, letter, cards, plane tickets, gifts, etc. The sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the insecurity and deceit, second guessing his every action. It was horrible.

There is no excuse for what ive done. Not at all. I made a choice and im living with it and all of the consequences. 

I'm grieving for who I used to before this. I hate myself for causing my DH this pain. Will he ever look at me again with love in his eyes? What about my children? How will I be able explain this? His family. My family. Our circle of friends.


----------



## Azure Blue Topaz (Sep 30, 2012)

Yes. My conscience wont let me forget it. I think about this everyday. It's not a matter of anybody buying anything. It is the truth. 

There's no reason for me to lie about any of this.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> It was one time only. 100% protected.


Unless you were wrapped in latex from head to toe there is no such thing as 100% protected. Herpes for example can be transmitted even with condoms being used.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Sounds like one very messed up mge

Your H----cheats on you, whenever he wants, he is into drugs, alcohol, parties every weekend

You say he is a good father---just out of curiosity, what is your definition of a BAD father-----believe me your kids know what goes on with both of you

You have your own A., revenge or whatever you wanna call it

Why not just end this farce of a mge----I don't know how old either of you actually are---but you sounds like you are both in H. S.--------real problem is with the examples the two of you are setting---your kids are gonna grow up just like the two of you, and we will just have more of the same

Ain't it a great world we all live in!!!!!!!!


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I realize there will be some judgement and harsh words because of what I've done. Im sharing my story for advice, but i know what i have to do.


We are not judging you. If you know what to do, what are you seeking here?



Azure Blue Topaz said:


> Before this happened I hated women who did this because I was on the other end. I was the wife who found emails, letter, cards, plane tickets, gifts, etc. The sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the insecurity and deceit, second guessing his every action. It was horrible.


Your husband has not started doing what you have done sometime ago.



Azure Blue Topaz said:


> There is no excuse for what ive done. Not at all. I made a choice and im living with it and all of the consequences.


This is a terrible part. How did you make the choice of having an A with OP?



Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I'm grieving for who I used to before this. I hate myself for causing my DH this pain. Will he ever look at me again with love in his eyes? What about my children? How will I be able explain this? His family. My family. Our circle of friends.


This is precisely your problem. Your feeling of guilt.
You need counseling. And both of you need MC.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I hate myself for causing my DH this pain.


But I thought you said you haven't told him what you did. So according to that, he feels no pain cause he has zero clue you cheated on him.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

OK let me just offer you a possible scenario. This OM is married right? You say he has a lot to lose as well? So let's say you don't tell your husband about your indiscretion and a year later the OM decides to confess to his wife what he did with you. Maybe he doesn't confess, maybe wife gets suspicious and does some digging and finds proof of you and this OM's affair. 

What if she finds out and decides she wants to notify your husband? A lot of betrayed spouses will out their WS's AP. They will often go straight to the OM/OW spouse. So, let's say she does this. Now your husband is finding out from another woman that you had sex with her husband. Now you're in a whole heap of a mess. It doesn't matter at this point how remorseful you are. Your husband is only going to believe that you never intended to tell him about it. He is going to assume you were intending to take it to the grave. He is going to feel that all the time prior to him finding out was a lie. He may even believe it is still going on with the OM or any other guy you found interesting. He is going to feel that you don't love him. How could he think you loved him if you had no intention of ever telling him?

I know this may seem like a remote possibility but it isn't. You can say you think this guy will never tell a soul, but in reality you have no idea. You can never trust anyone in this kind of situation. Your best bet IMO is to let your husband know right now. I mean really think about the above scenario. This is not far fetched at all. I see this kind of thing here on TAM and in other blogs. This will likely come out into the open. Would you rather be seen as a remorseful spouse that told her husband of her one time indiscretion soon after it happened? Or do you want to be seen as the cold, calculated, pathological liar with no sense of guilt or conscious?

You choose. I would suggest telling him soon. It would indicate a mistake right now, not a long drawn out deception. Good luck!


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Azure, I am not entirely sure what you are looking for.

Do you need guidance on whether to tell him or not?

Are you trying to rebuild the marriage?

What do you see in the future for the two of you?

I am going to refrain from calling you the cheater you are, I have a sense you already get that. What I do want to let you know is that you can rise above your past indiscretions (as well as your husband's) and stop this destructive behavior.

In the end, you have innocent children that have no say in the behavior of their parents. You have choices and not all of them lead to screwing up your kid's childhood.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Azure, I don't understand why you stayed with your husband being the way he is.
> 
> Now you've gotten sucked into an EA which turned PA, you have this guilt to deal with. The better solution is to be with a better man who treats you better and then even the thoughts of betraying him would keep you from falling into this trap.
> 
> I'm normally a poster who says you've gotta tell your spouse but it almost seems like it doesn't matter because you shouldn't be with spouse. Your marriage seems very disfunctional and unhealthy to me. Party boys who have affairs are not marriage material.


Azure:

I agree with Thundarr. 

Why did you allow your husband's cheating turn you into a cheater. 

It sounds like the marriage should have been ended long ago. 

Move on. You deserve better.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> Will he ever look at me again with love in his eyes?


Azure:

I say this with compassion for you. 

Who cares if he looks at you with love, your husband sounds like a major jerk wad. 

If I were you, I would hand him his walking papers. 

Your revenge affair was the wrong choice but more understandable given he cheated first and multiple times. 

Forgive yourself, get tested for STDs, and move on, with the resolve to find someone new and never cheat again.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Unless you were wrapped in latex from head to toe there is no such thing as 100% protected. Herpes for example can be transmitted even with condoms being used.


Yes, and so can other viral STDs.

Also, Hep C, which causes liver cancer in the end, can be gotten from kissing if both your gums are bleeding ( not all that UNcommon.)

Also, fluids can leak from a condom.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Azure, I see this as 2 paths. One is divorce, the other is reconciliation.

If you divorce, there is no reason to tell him.

If you reconcile, you MUST tell him. He has the right to know the reality of his marriage, as do you. Keeping the secret will eat at you and it will affect you, and thus it will negatively affect your marriage. If he does find out later, the chances of reconciliation are nearly zero, but if he finds out now from you, there is a chance. And if you do have a successful reconciliation you will build a better and stronger marriage. If you do not tell him but try to keep the marriage, your marriage is not going to get any better than it is now. Think about that, you will be stuck in the same bad marriage as you now have, but you will also be kicking yourself for having this affair.

Even if you tell him and he divorces you, you can at least know that you did the right and honorable thing of telling him. Everybody makes mistakes or has bad judgment at some point, which is only human. The key is to respond in the right way. Then you can know that you ultimately lived with honor, and you can respect yourself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> That is sick!
> 
> It's almost as bad as that cuckold thread, with the oral thing.
> 
> Was that posted on this site?


Yes. It was Mori. When he posted that I realised my problems were nothing, by comparison.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Azure Blue Topaz said:


> I realize there will be some judgement and harsh words because of what I've done. Im sharing my story for advice, but i know what i have to do.
> 
> Before this happened I hated women who did this because I was on the other end. I was the wife who found emails, letter, cards, plane tickets, gifts, etc. The sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the insecurity and deceit, second guessing his every action. It was horrible.
> 
> ...


You are human. We humans do some remarkably daft things.

After my wife had an affair and I self-medicated with alcohol and had what I now realise was a revenge affair, I confessed the morning after it nearly went physical. 

Not that I saying that's what you should do, but it's what I did.


----------

