# Accusations of Cheating: How Would You React?



## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?

How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were, but you wanted to continue to keep it hidden?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If I wasn't I would be so shocked because knowing my husband as I do he would never do that for no reason. Cant say what I would do if I were because I wouldn't. 

I do find it interesting that many who are cheating will accuse their spouses of cheating.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I wasn't cheating:

I'd first ask what prompted the accusations. I'd offer whatever reassurance I could, and if I could provide tangible reassurance (like seeing my phone, etc.) I would offer that. I would ask what else I could do to help my husband feel safe and certain. If his expectations were reasonable and healthy (i.e. let me know where you are, see your phone when I ask, etc.) I would be fine with that. In fact, I already do those things (though he has never asked to see me phone or anything. We use each others' from time to time). If he wanted to begin controlling where I went, isolated me from friends (I don't really have male friends), read all my work emails, blah blah....I would politely tell him that I felt very uncomfortable with that level of paranoia. If he demanded a polygraph....if I really felt that there was a misunderstanding, I would probably offer one. If he got demanding about it or I sensed he had been reading a bunch of forum crap assuming I was cheating and giving him an earful of unfounded idiocy, I'd again politely decline.

In the end, I love him, and he would either believe me or not. If an unfounded suspicion with no actual guilt was enough for him to leave, I would be sad, but I would let him leave.

If I had cheated:

Well, if I was in the frame of mind to cheat, I'd probably be doing all the dishonest thing cheaters do, sadly. I would hope that he would not be fooled by any of it and would divorce me. Because he would deserve better than a cheater.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?
> 
> How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were?


Well if I was, then that would mean I'm a cheater and of course, cheaters lie. So I assume I would lie and gas light like cheaters do.

If I wasn't, I would be sensitive to the accusation and try to find out why it was coming at me. Did he see or hear something that made him suspicious? What was it, and let me be an open book and get to the bottom of it. If it was simply in his head and he wouldn't accept my truthful answers and if he kept accusing me of something I didn't do, I would end up resentful and angry at him. If he still kept it up for a long time, I would begin to wonder if he was the one cheating and trying to shift blame with projection.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

PS...like your user name.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?


I tend to be a very committed person, and by that I mean that when I'm with someone, I give 100% of my affection, loyalty and companionship to only that one person. Thus, to be accused of cheating in that environment would be pretty shocking to me, because I would think that 100% would not leave a lot of room for doubt. My hope would be that affection would be obvious, loyalty would be obvious, and preferring to spend all my time with that person would be obvious, right?

HOWEVER, if there was doubt--maybe it's just a reassurance kind of thing--I would say "Hey tell you what, here's my phone, here's my laptop, here's anything you want and you can look to your heart's content because there's nothing there" and smile and let them look. In addition, while I go along in life now, it's not like I hide ANYTHING and in fact, what I do, I do in the wide open so it's not like my phone and laptop haven't already been seen and open. Still...look at history. Do whatever snooping. 

I tend to be in the "trust but verify" camp--and I expect that same standard for myself. Soooo...I'd feel sad that there was a doubt, but I'd be happy to verify and reassure. 



> How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were, but you wanted to continue to keep it hidden?


Sadly, I've been in this position, and the typical script is something like "How DARE you accuse me! I would never do something like that and there must be something wrong with you to even think like that." See how it's deflecting the actual issue and turning it around from MY wrongdoing to focus on something I made up about you (the generic "you"...not you specifically @FaithfulHusband)? That way I can pick a fight with you on this supposed thing, and avoid addressing my cheating. I would also probably make all kinds of drama about "privacy" in order to keep my phone and laptop hidden, and say something about how you have trust issues and you have to just trust me (even though my words and actions are not matching, and I'm sitting there lying to your face). 

Now, bear in mind that when a person is actively involved in adultery, their thinking process IS NOT clear or logical. It gets so warped that you very literally can not reason with the confused way of thinking. So in an unfaithful mind, the lack of trust and lack of privacy is an utter DEALBREAKER...and yet their committing adultery is not so bad. Crazy, isn't it? And you can't speak reason to crazy. So I'm not saying that is good thinking or rational thinking--just saying that's how I'd react.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I do find it interesting that many who are cheating will accuse their spouses of cheating.


Some people think honoring trust is stupid and naieve, so they don't think other people will do it and they don't either.

To answer OP, unless there was some bizarre circumstance that looked suspicious I'd be pretty mad at being accused.

Can't say what I'd do if I was guilty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?
> 
> How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were, but you wanted to continue to keep it hidden?


Oh, well, cheaters who want to keep their cheating hidden probably would be on a cheater's website, not on a website that, with it's very name, promotes marriage.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

True story...

Wife once accused me of cheating. She was suspicious for some reason, then started adding up her evidence. 

Work travel was pretty heavy to a city two hours away over several months. Several times staying over was necessary with late evening followed by early on-site work. 

There was a receipt in my wallet for two drinks and a chicken Caesar salad. Since I don't like Caesar she knew it was another woman I had lunch with.

Another receipt was found that listed "Slap my ass and call me Sally".

As it ends up work really was work. No girlfriend. The salad was for a client that could only meet with me during her lunch, so I bought. "Slap my ass" was a bottle of hot sauce. 

I explained all of this to her with reassurance and some success. It was pretty surreal.

Oddly, shes the one who stepped out on the marriage. Surprise...!

I'll agree with others if I was cheating. Lie.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

That is actually completely unfathomable in my marriage. I am solid, and my wife knows it.

But if it ever did come to that point, I'd be at least a little tempted to respond with "Well, can ya' blame me?"


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

Appreciate all the replies.

How would you react if your spouse indicated concern that you were cheating (without an outright accusation), you attempted to reassure your spouse you were not, and you discovered that, after that, your spouse, without your knowledge, was checking the joint phone records to further investigate your behavior?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Let them know what you know. Offer to show them anything they want to see. And when they find nothing to support their concerns, hope that they are a bit embarrassed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would laugh because it's ludicrous and she should know me better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd be as defensive as hell, demanding proof!

Wouldn't really have to worry about the other because cheating is not my usual forte!*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Appreciate all the replies.
> 
> How would you react if your spouse indicated concern that you were cheating (without an outright accusation), you attempted to reassure your spouse you were not, and you discovered that, after that, your spouse, without your knowledge, was checking the joint phone records to further investigate your behavior?


Cheaters are very, very despicable liars, there is no extent to it. They will say anything and everything to throw away your suspicion, even accusing you of cheating. So it's very understandable that a suspicious spouse will look for evidence as unfortunately in almost all cases cheaters will only confess when cold hard evidence is right in front of them.

If my spouse suspects me and goes into my phone and whatever then whatever. She has access to it anyway, I have nothing to hide. I would be hurt she doesn't believe me but I know trust isn't a choice.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?
> 
> How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were, but you wanted to continue to keep it hidden?


In the first instance, I would be quite surprised by such an accusation and ask her what suggests that I'm unfaithful and help put her fears to rest.

In the second instance, I imagine I would feign surprise, ask her what suggests that I'm unfaithful and help put her fears to rest.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I would of course react the same way, since if I cheated I would (by definition) hide the cheating. 

In general though in either case I'd say that there is no way I can ever prove that I didn't cheat. I'd say that people can't be in a happy marriage without trust and that if she thought I cheated it might be best for us to divorce.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Appreciate all the replies.
> 
> How would you react if your spouse indicated concern that you were cheating (without an outright accusation), you attempted to reassure your spouse you were not, and you discovered that, after that, your spouse, without your knowledge, was checking the joint phone records to further investigate your behavior?


Why do you ask? Has your wife accused you of cheating? Are you or did you cheat?

Assuming your wife asked or accused you of cheating, what did you do when she spoke to you about it? Did ask her why she thinks you are cheating? Did she actually accuse you or did she tell you she's afraid that you're cheating? What happened?

I think all this speculation is pointless, because each situation is unique and the only way you are going to get answers that specifically address your situation is if you tell us what your specific situation is and what you need.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I was accused of cheating by my then fiancée two years ago.Some of her so called friends were messaging her that I was out at nightclubs,bars etc with other women.She still lived with her parents and couldn’t go out at night very often because she had a child from a previous relationship.
It came to a head one night when she called over unexpectedly and while she was in my house she got a message saying I was in a bar with another woman.She realized than that she was being played but I broke up with her because of that and other reasons.
We got back together after a while.
In answer to the other question I wouldn’t cheat on anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The problem is that if both people who are innocent and those who are guilty of cheating react in about the same way. They deny. Then if the accuser persists they get angry.

That's why accusing someone of cheating, when you don't have the evidence to prove it beyond a shadow of doubt is a waste of energy.

if I was accused and not cheating, i would deny and tell them to find the supporting evidence. But tell them that they would be wasting their time looking for something that did not exist. If they continued to accuse me over time, and I was innocent, i woudl take that as proof that they are dangerously jealous and end the relationship.


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## MKC6416 (Aug 2, 2018)

If I was accused of cheating and innocent, first I would think it was funny and cute she thought that. Then I'd do everything to prove that I wasn't. I'd give her complete access to all my communication and if she still wasn't convinced I'd download a GPS tracker to my phone so she could tell where I was at all times. Hopefully after a while she'd relax and trust me again and I could have my privacy back. 

If I was accused of cheating and guilty, I'd imagine I'd become angry and defensive and turn the blame around on her to take attention off me. I'd cover my tracks by deleting communications and sweep my vehicle and electronics for GPS trackers and recording devices. I'd become even more careful about when and where I meet my mistress, and possibly lay low for a while until it blows over.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?


My wife and I both have extremely dark and disturbing senses of humor. She will joke that I should cheat so that she can have a break. I will then accuse her of being a horrible person because no woman should ever wish me onto even her worst enemy. She will followup to that by claiming that at least in her next life that it should be paradise after having paid so much penance in this life for putting up with me. I'll then ask her if she ever wonders what she did that was so horrible in her previous life. 

We both laugh!


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

If I hadn't cheated and was accused, I would be hurt, but would offer up my phone/laptop/iPad/whatever he wanted to see as proof of my innocence. I would, like many others, want to know what caused the accusation so that I could help my husband feel more secure. However, if I was wrongfully accused more than once, I would start to have serious difficulty living with the paranoia/jealousy/lack of trust. I'd have to warn my husband that a distrustful relationship is not one I'll tolerate.

I wouldn't cheat. I'd just as soon file for divorce if I was that miserable. However, I do agree with @Rocky Mountain Yeti, "Can you blame me?" Only half joking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Idyit said:


> Let them know what you know. Offer to show them anything they want to see. And when they find nothing to support their concerns, hope that they are a bit embarrassed.


This.

Then he can make it up to me by buying me a puppy


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

FaithfulHusband said:


> How would you react if your spouse indicated concern that you were cheating (without an outright accusation), you attempted to reassure your spouse you were not, and you discovered that, after that, your spouse, without your knowledge, was checking the joint phone records to further investigate your behavior?


I have a massage regularly after work. Hubs and I were in my car, he needed something and I suggested he look in the middle console. He reached in and pulled out my stockings, with a slightly raised eyebrow asked why they were there. I laughed as I'd forgotten they were in there - it was following my massage and I couldn't be bothered putting them back on. He accepted it for what it was. If for some reason, he felt a need to further investigate, I'd want him to feel reassured. If there was an ongoing lack of trust, unfounded, no doubt I'd find that exhausting and damaging to the relationship.

There's a variety of ways, and emotions, your question can be answered. This is just my take. What's yours? And what prompted the post for you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If accused wrongly, I'd ask her what makes her think so, and try to show her how she's wrong about me. If she has nothing concrete, I'd reassure her, ask her what would help reassure her, but also tell her to come back when she has something solid, because neither of us can prove a negative.

If I were actually cheating and accused, I'd probably confess that I was, and ask what she wants to do about it. If I even got to the point where I'd cheat, I'd be ready to leave anyway, so I'd probably have nothing to lose by telling the truth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would hand my phone to my wife and say “go at it”. 

Then I would ask what started the suspicion. 

If she showed her suspicions in front of others then a different reaction. I would offer her a divorce and start the 180.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

My ex accused me of cheating. He was relentless. If I said I was going grocery shopping, he would show up, park outside the gym to see I was really there, etc. He had full access to my phone, I offered to take a poly, anything so he would get off my back about it. 

When we were getting divorced I found a receipt for jewelry. So I assume he was cheating. At that point I didn't care; I was too emotionally drained


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah sometimes being accused of cheating means the ACCUSER is actually cheating.
Open up YOUR electronics to her, and ask if you can see HERS at the same time.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I for one am not going to forego all of my privacy, and If I found out my spouse was reading my email I think I'd dump her.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Just curious -- how would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were not?
> 
> How would you react if you were accused by your spouse of cheating, and you were, but you wanted to continue to keep it hidden?


Re the first part of your questions:
I would be very surprised and confused and would reflect deeply on what I may have done that would have made my spouse feel insecure and doubtful about my commitment. 

Re the second part:
I'm wouldn't, if I had allowed myself to get to this point, I don't think I could live with myself, let alone find a way to keep it hidden.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If I was accused of cheating and I truly wasn't cheating. I would take an inventory of my interactions to make sure I didn't do or say something that couldn't be misconstrued. I would also provide open access to all communication and devices to put her mind to rest.

If the source of the misunderstanding was found, I would pull out all of the stops to prove to her all is above board but if it's just a random accusation with nothing but her gut, with no evidence behind it, my spidey senses would be going off. It is very common for those that are committing adultery, to think you're doing the same thing. Both sexes project in this manner.

So if you didn't do anything that was questionable, I would check on her. This could be subconscious guilty driven projection.


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

I have actually been accused several times although not in the past few years (shockingly). I was accused after he went through the computer history and saw that I had supposedly been on an Asian dating site. I had to prove to him that I didn't go to the site but that it was a pop up from being on another site and by the way, this was a few months after the birth of our first child together when I was still going through the fabulous postpartum baby issues. I have also been accused when I didn't answer my phone while I was in home depot. He was pissed! I was actually buying paint for HIS office to surprise him. I think the BEST one was when he went onto my facebook page and apparently looked through my friend's list (which isn't very long) and he saw a picture of my male cousin who was recently friended. That's only 3 of the biggest ones but you would think that I had given him some reason to worry right? Nope, I have been extremely faithful from the first day.

I was angry every time and then hurt that he didn't trust me when I had never given him reason and then I fall down a rabbit hole of self-deprecating behavior. What has ended up happening is that I panic when he calls and I can't answer and I don't talk to guys at all in any capacity. 

I don't accuse without definite proof because I think its harmful to do that. It shows that you don't trust your partner and I do think it damages the relationship.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

So......this bending over backward and pulling out all the stops when you did nothing wrong in the first place.....exactly how far does it go? Until you're housebound with cameras and an ankle monitor?

I mean, does the ridiculously paranoid spouse bear responsibility at some point?


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