# Wife gets mad and yells, but I don't Yell back - don't want to seem like a push over



## MarriedGuy9 (Jun 23, 2014)

Ok... I've been married for about 10 months now so I know that I'm new to the game.

my wife gets mad sometimes (I understand that's only natural... sometimes it's my fault). Anyways, I'm quick to apologize for anything wrong that I've done or if I've been inconsiderate. I try to see things from her perspective.

But when she's mad... there's all kinds of language being spilled out of her mouth. We are both christian... I never swear, but she just lets it fly when she's upset.

Doors get slammed... I hate yous... etc.

When she's mad I try and tell her to take a deep breath and a few minutes, lets talk about it, I want to understand where she's coming from. 

I say something like, I know we're both frustrated, but I love you we should be able to talk about this. It's the christian thing to do. We need to forgive each other.

She usually says something like... Get away from me, I don't want to be near you. And I leave her alone for several hours or until the next day... then she slowly seems normal again.

The only part that really really burns me is that she never says she's sorry, even days later. Never apologizes for the yelling or her language. Ok, never is strong... I'd say maybe 1 or 2 times she has apologized for 1 of the many things she said while upset.

Here's the thing that gets me is I don't want her to think it's ok to treat me like that. I've tried telling her that days later when she's calm, yet it continues. I don't want to yell at her or assert that I can be a big scary tough guy. I just want her to understand that it's not ok to act like that, but if you get mad and do act like that, then you should apologize and try not to let it happen again.

Am I being unfair or unrealistic? 

How should I get my point across?

I've been thinking about giving her the silent treatment afterwards, but that just seems so juvenile to me. 

I'm really open to suggestions

Thanks everyone, and I really like reading this forum!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Do you *feel* like a pushover in those situations? Because not yelling doesn't necessarily make you a pushover. Sometimes it means you're the one whose in more control.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The silent treatment won't work. That's classic Passive Aggressive behavior. Are you certain that you aren't a Passive Aggressive personality type which is driving her angry outbursts?

Take an online quiz for Passive Aggressive behavior. Just do a Google search, easy to find.

If you AREN'T Passive Aggressive, THEN...

She sounds like she has a personality disorder, maybe Borderline? Seriously, get her some counseling. Her angry outbursts are not normal.

And welcome to TAM... I'm glad to hear you like this forum


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Since you're both Christian, what about talking to your remigious leaders about some form if marriage counseling?

And no offense, but it seems like you guys have had a lot of conflict for only being married 10 months. How often are you having these fights?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Giving her the silent treatment is just a passive aggressive response. It’s really no better than what she is doing. And it sounds like this is not your nature, so don’t even go there just to try to teach her a lesson.

Speaking of teaching, we teach people how to treat us. So far you have taught your wife that what she does is ok. You have taught her that you will tolerate her angry tirades. I know that you have done this because you do not know what to do. But you have to stop this.

Obviously you don’t to it by acting in kind. You don’t do it by going silent. You do it by being upfront with her. When she is calm you tell her that you have been wrong in putting up with her angry outbursts. That you have done this because her behavior has shocked and confused you. But now you realize that you cannot live with this. And you tell her, and mean it, that you will divorce her if she continues acting like this. You will have not children with a woman who thinks it’s ok to treat other people the way she treats you. Tell her that there are things that you need from her.

She need to go to counseling with you so that the two of you can learn a healthy way to handle disagreements.

You tell her that you will establish a safe word “STOP” that you use when things are getting out of hand. The both of you have to recognize this word as the clue that things are getting out of hand. When an argument starts to get heated you stay “STOP” firmly. If she does not stop, you repeat “STOP”. Then you walk away and the both of you take half our or hour to cool off. When you come back together, only continue the discussion if things remain clam.

A lot of couples have the rule that until they can discuss things calmly, under control, they only discuss tough topics in with a marriage counselor present.

How are you feeling towards your wife these day? Are you starting to lose your love for her? If not now sooner or later this is what will happen. You also might want to tell her that her bad, angry behavior is making you fall out of love with her.

I think that you would benefit from the books “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. What our wife is doing is a HUGE love buster.


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## MarriedGuy9 (Jun 23, 2014)

I think you're on right on the money Elegirl. I know that I'm 'allowing' her to do this by tolerating her behavior and teaching her that it's ok to get away with it. 

Being Christian, I keep trying to tell her that divorce is not in my vocabulary... and it's not. But I like the idea of saying STOP and coming back to it in 30 minutes. I've tried telling her that if she doesn't want to discuss, she has to decide how much time she needs to cool down, but she refuses to pick a time or shouts out 'next week' or '3 months from now'

We just moved 2 weeks ago.. so new church and no trusted leaders just yet.

Someone else asked how I feel about her. I love her to death and will be with her forever. This is just a behavior that we both need to work on, but I'm having trouble communicating how important this is. For all I know she's tortured inside about her outbursts & feels terrible and is then too embarassed to talk about them.

We'll figure it out.. I just needed some different tools to work with


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

When my H yells, I walk out of the room. I tell him that I will not talk about (whatever) while he is behaving like a three year old. When you're ready to act like an adult I will discuss this with further. Then just leave for a while. Cooler heads will prevail. If you yell back, that accomplishes nothing but more noise, and potentially an argument that you may not be able to fix. You don't want to make a bad situation worse. Go to a coffee shop or your room or somewhere where you two are in separate rooms. Then when she is calmer and not shouting/yelling tell her that you will not reward that type of behavior with a response or a discussion. If she wisher to discuss the matter, she will have to do it in a calm demeanor and not yell. If she continues to yell, just leave for a while. eventually she will calm down. Anger doesn't last forever.
When she is calm tell her she owes you an apology for her bad behavior. 
Remind her she can act better that that. Remind her that three year old children who throw temper tantrums usually don't get what they want either. Then leave her alone to think about her behavior. This works with teens also. eventually she will realize that she acted inappropriately.
Hope this helps


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriedGuy9 said:


> I think you're on right on the money Elegirl. I know that I'm 'allowing' her to do this by tolerating her behavior and teaching her that it's ok to get away with it.
> 
> Being Christian, I keep trying to tell her that divorce is not in my vocabulary... and it's not. But I like the idea of saying STOP and coming back to it in 30 minutes.


Keep in mind that being Christian does not mean that we let ourselves be beat up emotionally for no good cause. Her tirades are no good cause. 



MarriedGuy9 said:


> I've tried telling her that if she doesn't want to discuss, she has to decide how much time she needs to cool down, but she refuses to pick a time or shouts out 'next week' or '3 months from now'


Don’t’ ask her how long she needs to cool down. You decide how much time you will give it. So do the STOP thing. Get away from her. Then check back with her in 30-60 minutes. If she’s still in a bad mood, just go do your thing for a few hours. Basically you are not going to talk to her, or even listen to her, until she is in control. This is different from going silent because you check back with her and you will be more than glad to talk with her as soon as she is civil, calm and in control.


MarriedGuy9 said:


> We just moved 2 weeks ago.. so new church and no trusted leaders just yet.
> 
> Someone else asked how I feel about her. I love her to death and will be with her forever. This is just a behavior that we both need to work on, but I'm having trouble communicating how important this is. For all I know she's tortured inside about her outbursts & feels terrible and is then too embarassed to talk about them.
> 
> We'll figure it out.. I just needed some different tools to work with


One thing that happens with people who blow up like she does is that their body puts out chemicals that that put them in a very bad place emotionally. For some people these chemicals peak quickly and stay in the body/brain for a long time. This might be why she stays angry for long periods. One of the reasons that the STOP thing works is that you can stop her before she goes over the edge. If she can learn to recognize when she’s about to blow up and stops herself, she will have learned to control her outbursts.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your wife sounds like me, OP. But I get over it pretty quickly, and apologize within the hour. Dh has mentioned that I always apologize. I guess to him that is enough.

Definitely find out if your behavior drives her outbursts. You need to learn active listening. Are you familiar with it?

Basically, you repeat back to her what she says (not the bad words, but her feelings), or paraphrase it. This helps both of you. She can correct you if you are not understanding her, and you can see where you went wrong. 

If you are understanding her correctly, her hearing her own feelings being reflected to her should calm her down. It should make her feel listened to, and respected. 

If you keep doing it, you will likely hear more of what is in her heart. That is what you want: to reach into her heart. That is the source of these angry reactions to you. Find out what is in there, and you can start working on the real problems.

Dh does not believe in leaving the room when I am angry. We were both shocked to hear people did that. 

He knows that when I am angry and out of control with my feelings, I am at my weakest, and I need him most. He does not hold this against me. He knows he is stronger than I am, and he is happy to use his strength in this way, to make me feel safe.

I think she trusts you a lot, if she is willing to share the worst of herself with you. 

And you are right to be committed to her. Way worse things than this can happen. Use the active listening to solve this problem. 

And you are right to not try to scare her. Your instincts are guiding you correctly on this. Her own emotions probably scare her enough. She is lucky she has you to stabilize her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MarriedGuy9 said:


> Ok... I've been married for about 10 months now so I know that I'm new to the game.
> 
> my wife gets mad sometimes (I understand that's only natural... sometimes it's my fault). Anyways, I'm quick to apologize for anything wrong that I've done or if I've been inconsiderate. I try to see things from her perspective.
> 
> ...


Not yelling doesn't make you a pushover.

Wife..."I HATE YOU"
Husband (in a really reassuring soft voice) "I understand you're frustrated, I'm sorry for not putting enough sugar in your coffee this morning (insert any grievance). Why do you calm down and then we'll talk" with the apology being sincere and the calm down statement trying to disarm the situation instead of being a little threatening....is what makes you a push over.

YOUR WIFE SAYS "I HATE YOUs" and you just take it. You don't see a red flag here?

That's childish and I'd treat my wife just like I treat my 6 year old when his emotions and frustrations have the best of him. Send him to his room until he can calm down and talk it through. You need to say to your wife "Your behavior is horrible, we can talk when you get control of yourself. But if you think I'm staying in a marriage where you slam doors and say I Hate You....you're crazy. You need counseling." Because your wife has anger issues. She also doesn't respect you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

You don't have to yell back. Let her know if she continues to talk to you like that you will leave. And actually leave and go somewhere.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with treyvion. Tell her (in a calm period) that you will not tolerate being yelled and sworn at, and next time she does you will leave and refuse to engage with her until she is ready to behave like an adult and fight fairly and calmly. Then actually do it the next time.

You can also suggest MC so she (and maybe you) can learn the skills to communicate clearly and fight fairly.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it. No matter how angry my partner was if she told me she hated me that would be it. To me you don't say those things because you can't take them back. 

It's pefectly normal and acceptable to get angry and to express your anger...in fact it's healthier than internalizing it. However I believe there are some things you don't do. 

You could try a book that was just recommended in another thread, "Dance of Anger".


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

MarriedGuy9 said:


> Ok... I've been married for about 10 months now so I know that I'm new to the game.
> 
> my wife gets mad sometimes (I understand that's only natural... sometimes it's my fault). Anyways, I'm quick to apologize for anything wrong that I've done or if I've been inconsiderate. I try to see things from her perspective.
> 
> ...


There is a word for it. Abuse. Why do you tolerate it?

If you have already told her, when she is not mad, what you consider the appropriate and acceptable way to communicate over problems, and it has not changed you need to enforce the boundaries you have set up to and including divorce. I think you should be stern, passionate, even somewhat animated in expressing your frustration, but in no way should you intimidate her. If you are too dead pan, it will appear you really don't care or are neutered, and in no way should you make her feel threatened, that is a worse sort of abuse than what she lays on you.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Obviously she knows how you feel about divorce, and looks like she may be taking advantage of your stance to get the upper hand. 

The most worrying thing to me is that she is not sorry afterwards. Or maybe she is, but is just too stubborn to admit it. Will she say sorry to others, or is it just you?

Whether it's just with you, or generally, it's good that you are recognising her behaviour as intolerable at this stage, rather than just letting things drift which is the easy option. 


Is there any pattern to her outbursts, anything that you know will set her off? If yes, it needs to be talked out. Maybe she's insecure about something - hopefull you can get her to open up and get her to realise you're not the enemy and work on whatever it is together. 

There have been some insightful suggestions above about walking away and returning to her after a mutually known set period of time which I hope will work for you. If there's no sustained improvement after you consistently do that, some counselling is a must IMO.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, she feels safe with you. She would not be safe, she would not express herself. She would be careful with what she says. She would be afraid. So you should take it positively, she trusts you.

She has issues and the best you can do is help her figure them out. Active listening is the best approach. I just would not take what she says personally. She does not really hate you! 

Leaving the room does not help. You seem to be able to handle the emotion, so stay and listen to her. Be patient.

Hear beyond her words. She loves you and you love her. Do not stop the communication. Leaving the room stops communication. It only helps if it keeps you from hurting her.

If you are strong enough, it is much better to stay with her. 

Remember the stronger one is the one that remains calm. It is true in any situation.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

What you described are certainly warning signs of BPD...I recommend reading up on it and seeing how closely matched she is with what you find.
Sadly, my ex showed strong traits of having BPD. Nothing I could do to change her ways. Seeing as how I am not a door mat, we are no longer together. It took me 18 years with her to finally realize what the problem was. Ok, so maybe for several years I was a door mat, but I did open my eyes and put my foot down to what I would and would not tolerate any longer.

One of my biggest challenges was always trying to get her to speak to me with respect when vocalizing anything that upset her. When she was mad or upset, she turned into a 7 year old and no amount of logic or reasoning would change her mood.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm going to break this down for you.



MarriedGuy9 said:


> We'll figure it out.. I just needed some different tools to work with


Yeah it's called her being accountable for acting like a well adjusted adult and you removing your rose colored "christian" glasses.

Here's what I mean.



> Someone else asked how I feel about her. I love her to death and will be with her forever. This is just a behavior that *we both need to work on*, but I'm having trouble communicating how important this is. For all I know she's tortured inside about her outbursts & feels terrible and is then too embarassed to talk about them.


If you had someone in your church come to you saying their wife or husband treated them the way your wife treats you, what would you tell them?

The first thing is for you to stop saying what is bolded. NO! SHE needs to work on it and you need to hold her responsible. As the man of a biblical home, YOU need to become strong and LEAD your house. Look at how you act towards your wife, now go do some research on what the bible says.



> Being Christian, I keep trying to tell her that divorce is not in my vocabulary... and it's not.


Why?

So if she isn't a christian, what then. Do you live your life in suffrage? Do you think martyring yourself in a bad marriage shows resolve and that you're a good christian, even though every action you and she are doing in terms of how you're responding to each other is COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of what the bible says.



> But I like the idea of saying STOP and coming back to it in 30 minutes. I've tried telling her that if she doesn't want to discuss, she has to decide how much time she needs to cool down, but she refuses to pick a time or shouts out 'next week' or '3 months from now'


She's even snarky and sarcastic when you try and calm her. So how do you respond to THAT?



> We just moved 2 weeks ago.. so new church and no trusted leaders just yet.
> 
> Someone else asked how I feel about her. I love her to death and will be with her forever. This is just a behavior that we both need to work on, but I'm having trouble communicating how important this is. *For all I know she's tortured inside about her outbursts & feels terrible and is then too embarassed to talk about them.*


You are a punching bag. Your wife has no respect for you. She punches you and all you do pander to her and be a pacifist. Do you know what people like that do next....hit you harder..SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU TO STEP UP AND MAN UP. Every time she acts like she does, she's secretly yearning for you to be a strong man. Strong men make better fathers, better protectors and better providers. It's an instinctual thing. She treats you like dirt and you then want to grow rose bushes. Next time she gets in your face, try something. Don't get physical, but if she says I hate you or something like that, stand up...walk her to the door, push her outside and while closing the door behind you say "then get out. I don't need you acting like that". 

You'll see the biggest stunned look. She'll feign total anger and that's where you open the door and say "when you want to act like a proper wife, you can come back in. When you want to act like a petulant child, out you go."

She'll eventually come back in and watch how she acts for a couple days.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> . As the man of a biblical home, YOU need to become strong and LEAD your house. Look at how you act towards your wife, now go do some research on what the bible says.
> 
> It says to live with your wife with understanding. It says to sacrifice for her as Christ sacrificed for the Church.
> 
> ...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yelling back will accomplish nothing. You look a LOT stronger if you do not get sucked into the argument. Remain calm, try to reason logically, walk away while she is hot headed. Hopefully she will feel bad about carrying on after she calms down...then you can talk to her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MarriedGuy9 said:


> Ok... I've been married for about 10 months now so I know that I'm new to the game.
> 
> my wife gets mad sometimes (I understand that's only natural... sometimes it's my fault). Anyways, I'm quick to apologize for anything wrong that I've done or if I've been inconsiderate. I try to see things from her perspective.
> 
> ...


It's to late for that because you haven't stood up for yourself. That kinda verbal assault is ridiculous and you shouldn't tolerate that. YOU need to turn this around cause YOU allowed this by not previously correcting it when it happened before. The saying we teach people how to treat us comes to mind.

So my suggestion would be to wait for a calm day and explain that you will no longer fight or communicate with her when she yells, curses, and degrades but rather that you will just walk away. Then next time she does it to call your bluff DO IT. Tell her to act like an adult and you do the same...silent treatment??? All you will do is set up a passive aggressive merry go round.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU TO STEP UP AND MAN UP. Every time she acts like she does, she's secretly yearning for you to be a strong man.


^^ This. 
During a dysfunctional marriage I got into these behaviour patterns. They come from not feeling heard, and someone who tolerates or enables the behaviour. Whatever the origin it is not acceptable behaviour. I can tell you that behaving like a horrible, angry child does not feel good. I can bet that inside, your wife is miserable about her behaviour. 

I'm now building a real relationship with a man who has taken a firm hand in dealing with this. First reaction was as described - shock and outrage. Then a feeling of security. I finally felt that my man was a MAN and stronger than me. That feels safe.

When I stormed about minor matters he stepped into my space and took me firmly in his arms and held me tight, told me not to be silly, just talk calmly - he was NOT afraid of me. Eventually one day when I raged totally unreasonably he ran out of patience and raged back better, walking towards me. Shocked me into silence. 

We've had a breakthrough. For the first time the other day I left during a spat because I needed to cool off. On my own initiative. I came back, smiled and we talked it through. Wow. 

Step up before she escalates.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sexy said:


> When my H yells, I walk out of the room. I tell him that I will not talk about (whatever) while he is behaving like a three year old. When you're ready to act like an adult I will discuss this with further. Then just leave for a while. Cooler heads will prevail. If you yell back, that accomplishes nothing but more noise, and potentially an argument that you may not be able to fix. You don't want to make a bad situation worse. Go to a coffee shop or your room or somewhere where you two are in separate rooms. Then when she is calmer and not shouting/yelling tell her that you will not reward that type of behavior with a response or a discussion. If she wisher to discuss the matter, she will have to do it in a calm demeanor and not yell. If she continues to yell, just leave for a while. eventually she will calm down. Anger doesn't last forever.
> When she is calm tell her she owes you an apology for her bad behavior.
> Remind her she can act better that that. Remind her that three year old children who throw temper tantrums usually don't get what they want either. Then leave her alone to think about her behavior. This works with teens also. eventually she will realize that she acted inappropriately.
> Hope this helps


:iagree:
This is how to get it done OP


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd be printing out a lot of articles like this one for her to read:

25 Ways to Fight Fair | For Your Marriage


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

As a Christian man, the head of the house, the choice is yours - will you tolerate being spoken to like this by a member of your family? If you allow it - if it is an effective tactic for her to get what she wants - then you will get more of it. Over the long run, it will damage you. 

Divorce should be part of your vocabulary, for it's certainly part of God's. He instructed the people of Israel to get divorced, and detailed the pain of His own divorce in Malachi. He set forth rules, forgave as much as he could bear, and eventually set his wife aside when he aw her behavior would not change. I'm not condoning using the threat as a club in order to get your own way - that would be unloving and abusive - but Leviticus clearly states that it is a man's place to set a wife aside if he is displeased with her. It simply also states that it's not a good thing, and is quite saddening and painful. 

State what you are ok with and not ok with, set the rules for violating those boundaries, and stick to them. If she's having issues, she can come to you with them like an adult, not a child. If she cannot do that, then she needs to learn.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This is not right, and should not be tolerated, and she needs to be told. That problem? If you tell her she's going to explode, and here it goes again, right.

Someway, you've got to sit her down and tell her that these outbursts are more than you can take. They are not normal, and are extremely hateful. How about this:

"Do you want to married to a man that tolerates someone screaming at him, yelling 'I hate you', slamming doors in his face, and generally treating him like dirt? Is that what you want in a husband?"

Tell her the truth. She is making you sick inside, and ruining your life and marriage. Tell her she is either going to counseling with you or you cannot continue. This is out of hand.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jld said:


> Originally Posted by Dad&Hubby View Post
> . As the man of a biblical home, YOU need to become strong and LEAD your house. Look at how you act towards your wife, now go do some research on what the bible says.
> 
> _It says to live with your wife with understanding. It says to sacrifice for her as Christ sacrificed for the Church._


It also says a lot more.

Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. 

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 



> Don't get physical, but if she says I hate you or something like that, stand up...walk her to the door, push her outside and while closing the door behind you say "then get out. I don't need you acting like that".
> _Do you think Jesus would ever treat a woman like that, D&H?
> 
> Or do you think he would seek to understand?_


I know my response is harsh, and it serves as a wake up call. The OP's wife is SO FAR gone down a path, simple understanding and talking is going to do nothing. Now once that wake up call happens, OF COURSE I think he needs to seek understanding. I truly believe there is more going on here than the OP is married to a crazy woman. There are probably issues the wife is feeling and has built up extreme resentment over. But the husband needs to exert his role as head of household before anything else can be discussed. The OP's wife isn't going to stop and take the time to listen and solve problems with a man she doesn't respect and that she despises. So this is a multi-step process.

Once the OP reestablishes his role as leader of his home. THEN he can

1Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

And something important

Philippians 2:2
Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 

And I'm adding the Philippians as being more directed to the OP. They are obviously not "of the same mind". The OP needs to figure out his wife's mind. Is it that she's hurt, resentful and angry for valid reasons that he needs to work on to fix because he IS the head of the household so that is, in larger part, his responsibility. Or is she angry etc for selfish or problematic reasons and that is an entirely different stand point.

PS Jesus wasn't always a flower and shining pillar of understanding. When Jesus saw his "home" being disrespected in Matthew, how did he respond? So yes, I do think Jesus could and would respond with harsh resolve based on how bad the situation was.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

gumtree said:


> ^^ This.
> During a dysfunctional marriage I got into these behaviour patterns. They come from not feeling heard, and someone who tolerates or enables the behaviour. Whatever the origin it is not acceptable behaviour. I can tell you that behaving like a horrible, angry child does not feel good. I can bet that inside, your wife is miserable about her behaviour.
> 
> I'm now building a real relationship with a man who has taken a firm hand in dealing with this. First reaction was as described - shock and outrage. Then a feeling of security. I finally felt that my man was a MAN and stronger than me. That feels safe.
> ...


Great response. And probably a better way to handle it than how I described.

So thank you for posting this. I think it's a better solution and takes into account what JLD was looking in my post.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Forest said:


> This is not right, and should not be tolerated, and she needs to be told. That problem? If you tell her she's going to explode, and here it goes again, right.
> 
> Someway, *you've got to sit her down and tell her that these outbursts are more than you can take. *They are not normal, and are extremely hateful. How about this:
> 
> ...


The bolded I agree with. Tell her you cannot handle it, if you truly cannot. 

I actually think you can, though. You are not getting upset, I can tell from your post. You are more puzzled than anything. 

You are strong enough to work with her on this, and not just give ultimatums, OP. Ultimatums don't necessarily work, anyway. They can be interpreted as power plays.

I doubt your wife wants to act this way. I know I don't. I scream and carry on when I feel like I have tried saying things how many times, calmly. Dh blows me off. He knows he has when it gets to the point that I am yelling. He told me once, "When there is a tantrum, _someone_ is not listening."

Anyone at all can come in and strong arm a situation, especially with someone physically weaker than himself, OP. It takes true strength to seek to understand, and true compassion to solve problems without blaming the other person.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I appreciate your response, D&H. Dh and I grew up Catholic, and that certainly impacts our understanding of our pretty traditional marriage.

I just believe a man earns his leadership role. I could not accept a man intimidating me in any way. I would not feel safe. Other women might be okay with that. That is their choice.

If I am screaming, there is a reason for it. My husband knows this, and respects me. He knows he can be lazy, and blow me off. He also knows I won't stand for it. He will hear about it.

I think one of the best gifts a wife can give her husband is transparency, D&H. It may not be pretty or what he wants to hear, but her sincere, unedited feelings are a gold mine of data for him.

It is a huge responsibility to be a leader. Some men do it better than others. It takes patience and intelligence. It does not require blaming the person he is supposed to be leading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I appreciate your response, D&H. Dh and I grew up Catholic, and that certainly impacts our understanding of our pretty traditional marriage.
> 
> I just believe a man earns his leadership role. I could not accept a man intimidating me in any way. I would not feel safe. Other women might be okay with that. That is their choice.
> 
> ...


I know my post was harsh, but that's because I think this is an extreme situation.

Normally, I would 100% agree with you. Respect is a funny thing. It's similar to the chicken and the egg. What comes first, earning it or giving it. My opinion is that respect is a "plant" the wife gives as a gift to her husband. It is then on the husband to plant this respect and live his life in a way that continues to foster and grow the respect. But just like a plant, if the husband isn't "watering, trimming and keeping up on the plant" the plant dies. I honestly believe the OP's plant has died. He needs to dig it up, till the soil and plant a new one.

But keep in mind, we're talking slamming doors, "I hate yous" within 10 months...as in his wife has developed EXTREME resentment and hurt in just 301 days. That's not normal. This is a very unusual situation. Either the OP has been a HORRENDOUS husband that goes beyond anything he'd be willing to tell us, or his wife has some serious psychological problems that go beyond just the marriage and she needs help.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I know my post was harsh, but that's because I think this is an extreme situation.
> 
> Normally, I would 100% agree with you. Respect is a funny thing. It's similar to the chicken and the egg. What comes first, earning it or giving it. My opinion is that respect is a "plant" the wife gives as a gift to her husband. It is then on the husband to plant this respect and live his life in a way that continues to foster and grow the respect. But just like a plant, if the husband isn't "watering, trimming and keeping up on the plant" the plant dies. I honestly believe the OP's plant has died. He needs to dig it up, till the soil and plant a new one.
> 
> But keep in mind, we're talking slamming doors, "I hate yous" within 10 months...as in his wife has developed EXTREME resentment and hurt in just 301 days. That's not normal. This is a very unusual situation. Either the OP has been a HORRENDOUS husband that goes beyond anything he'd be willing to tell us, or his wife has some serious psychological problems that go beyond just the marriage and she needs help.


I think if she did not respect him, she would not have married him. And she would have left him by now.

I agree that she has her own issues. And she should be apologizing. 

Some women are very prideful, D&H. I am sorry when I hear someone cannot apologize. I think it is the minimum she should be doing here.

It could be BPD. I am not familiar enough to know.

It could also just be frustration at not being heard. I hope they can go to MC.

Dh earned my respect before he earned my love, D&H. For some of us, respect for our man comes first. And he never demanded it. And when he first heard my angry outbursts, he was mad, too. No one likes to be yelled at! 

But he soon learned that it was part of my transparency with him, and he has come to value it. He says you can learn a lot from your wife, if you can listen to her.

And he shakes off the hurtful words, etc. He told me that he hears my words, but he knows my heart.

Do you know how many women would love to have that kind of understanding from their husbands, D&H? A husband who can look beyond the emotion, into their hearts? And really help them find the source of their frustration? And not take all that personally?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I think if she did not respect him, she would not have married him. And she would have left him by now.
> 
> I agree that she has her own issues. And she should be apologizing.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you about the respect thing. I don't know how you can truly love someone without respecting them first.

You are truly speaking of an issue I hold dear to my heart because it's something my wife and I deal with in our relationship. My wife sounds very much like you. She's completely transparent with no filters and also her delivery is blunt with zero tact. LOL. Now for me, respect is a CRITICAL issue. A wife can be completely transparent without always being disrespectful. My wife and I have an agreement. We work hard at controlling what we own in our discussions. What I mean by that is, I work hard not to take her words and how she says things disrespectfully because I know what's in her heart and what she actually means, and she works hard at not saying things in a negative way.

We never "respond" immediately. If she says something in an unusually bad way, I don't say anything until the next day. And if she thinks I'm being too harsh, she waits 24 hours as well. We find that the 24 hours does 2 things, it helps the person who has the gripe put it into context and not respond emotionally and it also helps the other person listen better because they don't have emotional defenses up.

I think these issues are a balance beam act because both parties. The angry person still needs to watch to be respectful. And the other person needs to not take things personally.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I disagree with the transparent with no filters part.

I don't care how angry or frustrated I may be with my wife, but I will never disrespect her by saying hurtful words. That was used by my ex so many times without ever a single apology. 
It is one thing for it to happen once and apologize, but for it to become a repeated thing, even if apologies follow, does not excuse that type of intolerable behavior. 

Maybe I have more control than most, but if I were to ever speak in such a way to my wife, I'd expect her to never forgive me for such language.

It is my belief that if one is put into a position that makes them feel like they need to say those hurtful words, it is time to take a time out and realize where you are and what it is you are wanting to say to the one person you are committed to. Will you regret saying them at a later time? Then why say them in the first place to only have to apologize later?
To me, this all has to do with respect for your spouse...

I think there are other methods to get the point across without crossing the line.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

happy as a clam said:


> She sounds like she has a personality disorder, maybe Borderline? Seriously, get her some counseling. Her angry outbursts are not normal.


:iagree:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I completely agree with you about the respect thing. I don't know how you can truly love someone without respecting them first. Is it true for men, too, D&H? I know it is true for me. I am not sure for men, though.
> 
> You are truly speaking of an issue I hold dear to my heart because it's something my wife and I deal with in our relationship. My wife sounds very much like you. She's completely transparent with no filters and also her delivery is blunt with zero tact. LOL. A lot of men would love to have such complete access to their wife's thoughts and feelings, D&H, without having to work at it.  Now for me, respect is a CRITICAL issue. A wife can be completely transparent without always being disrespectful. My wife and I have an agreement. We work hard at controlling what we own in our discussions. What I mean by that is, I work hard not to take her words and how she says things disrespectfully because I know what's in her heart and what she actually means, and she works hard at not saying things in a negative way. Here, I am just free. Dh just is not rocked by my emotions.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> I disagree with the transparent with no filters part.
> 
> I don't care how angry or frustrated I may be with my wife, but I will never disrespect her by saying hurtful words. Wise man! That was used by my ex so many times without ever a single apology. She must be an unhappy lady. Pridefulness never brings happiness.
> It is one thing for it to happen once and apologize, but for it to become a repeated thing, even if apologies follow, does not excuse that type of intolerable behavior. So important to look at why it keeps happening.
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yelling doesn't mean someone is strong. Yelling means someone can't control themselves.

Her other behavior is just ridiculous and childish.

Being strong in your stance and speaking at a normal, but firm, tone is way more respectable than her behavior. Does she think this behavior works?

Her words hurt and also cheapen her side of any situation. My 5 year old yells out she hates me. But she's 5 and that's her ammunition. Your wife is grown..and that's embarrassing.

Hold your ground. You don't have to yell to be strong.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

But he could reach out to her, that_girl, right?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My 5 year old yells out she hates me. But she's 5 and that's her ammunition.


Personally I would never accept that from my child either. I don't care how old they are.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Personally I would never accept that from my child either. I don't care how old they are.


Hmm. If I heard my child say he hated me, I would ask him why. I would probably first have to help him calm down, either by holding him (younger), or by letting him get his frustrations out (older)

Then I would start Active Listening. 

There are reasons people tell you they hate you. Never hurts to find out why.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

jld said:


> There are reasons people tell you they hate you. Never hurts to find out why.


In my book the only reason for telling someone you hate them is because you hate them. It's not something you throw out there as a negotiating tactic. 

I've never had to deal with it but if I did hear it I would turn off the TV, pull over the car, turn off the radio, get rid of any distractions make sure they know they have 100% of my attention and ask them to repeat themselves. I wouldn't let them walk away until we cleared the air on that one. 

No matter how angry I am I never say anything I don't mean.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Advocado said:


> Obviously she knows how you feel about divorce, and looks like she may be taking advantage of your stance to get the upper hand.


Happens

I _was_ married to one of those. She felt that the marriage contract entitled her to behave however she wanted.

Guess she didn't count on me changing my mind about divorce


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yelling doesn't mean someone is strong. Yelling means someone can't control themselves.
> 
> Her other behavior is just ridiculous and childish.
> 
> ...


My son yelled in anger once or twice that he hated me. My response was to look at him and tell him something like "I know you are angry. But I love you and always will."

That seemed to disarm him. Since it did not have the effect he wanted.. shock and awe... he did not do that again.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

A few thoughts... I apologize if they seem incongruent or random.

Someone mentioned that your wife does this because she trusts you. While I think this is possible, another possibility is that she does this because she doesn't trust you or herself. What I'm saying is she may have _abandonment issues _so acts horrendously to try and see if it will finally push you away - as she's been expecting that you will leave like others in her life have. (A self-fulfilling prophecy).

Regardless of the reason, the behaviour is unacceptable and your wife CAN control herself. I'd be hard pressed to believe that she behaves this way with any other person/social situation. She doesn't yell and slam doors at church if she disagrees with what the pastor says. She doesn't do this to friends because friends wouldn't stick around. If she works, the same thing. If she goes to school, a professor wouldn't tolerate this in their classroom. Knowing this, she doesn't act out in those situations. 

An alternative to the possibility of abandonment issues, I do think there is some truth in what others are saying that she yearns for you to "man up" and assert yourself in these situations. She seems to be sh*t testing you to see how far she can go - what she can get away with. It is possible she is in despair herself about just how much she is getting away with.

It is important that you find a way to assert yourself, confidently and firmly to your wife to put an end to these tantrums. Don't sink to her level, don't do anything abusive in retaliation but you do need to put your foot down the second she is in her tirade and make it clear it won't be tolerated... it needs to be big enough that it shocks the pants off of her and makes her realize she's gone too far. I am confident that she will respect you more for it and unless she is suffering some mental illness/personality disorder, will help to put a stop to this nonsense. Being passive or even passive aggressive of it won't work. 

Since you are a Christian, a book that has not yet been suggested in this thread is Emerson Eggerichs', Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.

It is a Christian marriage help book, but I think it is worth a read for anyone. From what I can remember, it has similar cases you should find resonate to what is going on in your marriage and may guide you on how to approach this better.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

"I'm not OK with yelling and shouting"

or

"I'm not OK with profanity"

or 

"I'm not OK with name-calling"


If she continues to ignore your boundaries,* then it's time to end the relationship.* A marriage demands mutual respect from both partners.

Stating you will "be with her forever" is naive, because you cannot control her.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Next time she has an outburst, start recording it on your phone. After things have calmed down, play it back for her so she can hear herself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Next time she has an outburst, start recording it on your phone. After things have calmed down, play it back for her so she can hear herself.


I think you have to get permission from her first, but this might be good for developing self-awareness. We don't always realize how we sound, you know?

Also, OP, what is it that you want, exactly? Just that the outbursts stop? 

Because if you just want that, all the usual control tactics will likely work. They always do when a more powerful person uses them on a less powerful person. And if she is acting out, and you are calm and unmoved, believe me, you are the person with greater power in the relationship.

So if you just want that annoying **** to stop already, those techniques should do it

On the other hand . . . 

Here's something simple and non-controlling you might want to try: "I" statements. "I feel hurt when I am yelled at." "I feel hurt when I am called names." "I don't feel loved (or respected) when I am sworn at."

And if you can't stay in the room when she is emoting (can't remember if you said that or not), how about this: "I can't be the man I want to be for you when I hear that. I need to leave until I can be. I will be in (whatever room) if you want to talk to me. But I won't be able to talk to you the way I want if I feel threatened. Yelling, name-calling, and swearing make me feel threatened."

It is honest and it shows authenticity. You own your power and your feelings, and you exude openness.

Just a thought.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

Meaning, you have to change.

What is this change? STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF.

Yes, you are acting weak and your wife's outrageous and escalating behavior is her telling you that she WANTS you to act differently.

Everyone comes in to TAM and posts "I am a Christian, I will not get divorced and she knows it". The funny thing is is that this is just an excuse becuase you are afraid, insecure and conflict avoidant. When you realize this, the light bulb goes off and you instantly discover WHY your wife is doing this to you and her biological need for your strength.

As a good Christian husband, in order to raise children, you have to have values and standards about how people treat each other. And, of utmost importance in terms of being a father is teaching this to your children by enforcing how people treat each other within your own family. You treat your wife well, you treat your children well. If your children disrespect you, they are called to task. If your children disrespects your wife, they are called to task. If your wife disrespects you, it is addressed. And if you disrespect people, you take ownership and apologize.

The bad behavior can never be tolerated by you. It must always be called out as wrong, unacceptable and improper behavior. You must never interact with your wife while she is speaking to you in an unacceptable manner. Respect to you must always be the ticket to admittance to your sphere of attention.

This is not a one and done say something great and it all goes away, this is a way of living. If your wife is disrespectful, she needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable. Always and without exception.

Divorce only comes into play very far down the line.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

My ex used to shout (even scream) at me a lot. Partly because he couldn't control his temper and partly because he though it would intimidate me into backing down or givig him his way.

I'm dead against yelling at people plus it was just asking for the sitution to escalate.

I used to just tell him, calmly but VERY firm, that either he could leave until he was able to talk or I would.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MarriedGuy9 said:


> Ok... I've been married for about 10 months now so I know that I'm new to the game.
> 
> my wife gets mad sometimes (I understand that's only natural... sometimes it's my fault). Anyways, I'm quick to apologize for anything wrong that I've done or if I've been inconsiderate. I try to see things from her perspective.


Are you also quick to apoligize when you are not wrong?



MarriedGuy9 said:


> But when she's mad... there's all kinds of language being spilled out of her mouth. We are both christian... I never swear, but she just lets it fly when she's upset.
> 
> Doors get slammed... I hate yous... etc.
> 
> When she's mad I try and tell her to take a deep breath and a few minutes, lets talk about it, I want to understand where she's coming from.


Women are emotional in ways that men are not Don't disallow her from feeling her emotions.



MarriedGuy9 said:


> I say something like, I know we're both frustrated, but I love you we should be able to talk about this. It's the christian thing to do. We need to forgive each other.


Terrible.. Tell her to stop speaking to you that way. Tell her that you are done with any conversation until she can treat you with respect. Then go wash your car and occupy yourself for as long as required. 



MarriedGuy9 said:


> She usually says something like... Get away from me, I don't want to be near you. And I leave her alone for several hours or until the next day... then she slowly seems normal again.


Embrace your freedom. Do what you like untethered by the requirements of meeting her emtional needs for that period of time.



MarriedGuy9 said:


> The only part that really really burns me is that she never says she's sorry, even days later. Never apologizes for the yelling or her language. Ok, never is strong... I'd say maybe 1 or 2 times she has apologized for 1 of the many things she said while upset.


Wife, if you treat me like crap, I expect an apology, just as you expect one from me if I were to do the same. Then sit back and allow your wife to choose WHO SHE IS while you evaluate whether or not she is fit to be a mother to your child.



MarriedGuy9 said:


> Here's the thing that gets me is I don't want her to think it's ok to treat me like that. I've tried telling her that days later when she's calm, yet it continues. I don't want to yell at her or assert that I can be a big scary tough guy. I just want her to understand that it's not ok to act like that, but if you get mad and do act like that, then you should apologize and try not to let it happen again.


Here's how to do what you are asking. Mention that you cannot consider having a child with her until she learns how to stop throwing hissy fits, since you are worried about her either doing that to a child, or having the child witness it. 





MarriedGuy9 said:


> Am I being unfair or unrealistic?
> 
> *No.*
> 
> ...


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife is like this occasionally (better now than before, to be honest). One time she went ballistic because I missed a parking space at the grocery store that she saw, and I tried to pay the calm, reasonable one, but that didn't work. One other time, we were going to an event with the kids in an area that I'm not familiar with, and after getting off the phone with her PITA sister, she blew a gasket as I was parking the car, saying that I never listen to her, etc. Again, tried to play the calm one, but I was seething inside (plus we had the kids with us). 

The person that mentioned insecurities is spot on, at least in my experience. My wife is very insecure (as well as very immature), and wants to make everyone happy (she's actually afraid of her drama queen sister, even though she's been nothing but a thorn in our side). 

My advice - push back when she's goes over the top. Twice in the past six months I pushed back when she went over the top, and both times it seemed to work. She didn't like it, but she calmed down quickly. I still try to be the reasonable one that doesn't get worked up over things (trying to set an example), but if she goes overboard, I will bite back.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Wife gets mad and yells, but I don't Yell back - don't want to seem like a pu...*

Pushing back is fun to do bit ultimately it wears you out. 

Simply walk away and let her stew for a while, then remind her of her behavior afterwards.

Pushing back in kind was useful in controlling BPD raging but eventually one of the two will get tired first.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> My wife is like this occasionally (better now than before, to be honest). One time she went ballistic because I missed a parking space at the grocery store that she saw, and I tried to pay the calm, reasonable one, but that didn't work. One other time, we were going to an event with the kids in an area that I'm not familiar with, and after getting off the phone with her PITA sister, she blew a gasket as I was parking the car, saying that I never listen to her, etc. Again, tried to play the calm one, but I was seething inside (plus we had the kids with us).
> 
> The person that mentioned insecurities is spot on, at least in my experience. My wife is very insecure (as well as very immature), and wants to make everyone happy (she's actually afraid of her drama queen sister, even though she's been nothing but a thorn in our side).
> 
> My advice - push back when she's goes over the top. Twice in the past six months I pushed back when she went over the top, and both times it seemed to work. She didn't like it, but she calmed down quickly. I still try to be the reasonable one that doesn't get worked up over things (trying to set an example), but if she goes overboard, I will bite back.


Did you talk about it later, Charlie? How did it go?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Wife gets mad and yells, but I don't Yell back - don't want to seem like a pu...*



john117 said:


> Pushing back is fun to do bit ultimately it wears you out.
> 
> Simply walk away and let her stew for a while, then remind her of her behavior afterwards.
> 
> Pushing back in kind was useful in controlling BPD raging but eventually one of the two will get tired first.


But how does he build an emotional connection then?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Wife gets mad and yells, but I don't Yell back - don't want to seem like a pu...*



jld said:


> But how does he build an emotional connection then?



He doesn't. 

These are not behaviors conducive to bonding with a partner, and the longer such behaviors go on the harder it is to stay together, let alone be connected.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

jld said:


> Did you talk about it later, Charlie? How did it go?


If you're referring to me pushing back, no. It was more that she gets ticked off, throws a tantrum, I push back, then we go our separate ways for a while. Admittedly not the best way, as we should talk about it. Our problem (and this goes for both of us) is that we're conflict-adverse (although she will get pissed off with me and let me know it). As stated, she's very insecure, so I put part of this down as that. She has a sister that's nothing but a drama queen, and instead of standing up to her and telling her what she needs to hear, she instead tries to be nice to her (she's afraid of her, to be blunt). This causes angst, and that angst gets taken out on me.


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