# 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Short synopsis: Together with ex for 7 years, he cheated while I was pregnant with bub #2, left in January when dd was 4 weeks old for his student. I don't know how to attach a link but if you want to read my sob story it's entitled 'my husband left me for an 18 year old' My husband left me for an 18 year old

Anyways, I didn't find find out about the cheating until about a month after he left, and he still denies it. No matter. I found more than enough proof. Ever since he left he has been ignoring my phone calls and texts (about the kids) and just simply cut me out. It's like I didn't exist. I always got the impression that he did that for OW benefit.... to show her he didn't give a rat's ass about me. Looking back, he was 'faithful' to her for the last 3 months of our relationship. For example he didn't want me to sleep in the same bed as him. His excuse was that I toss and turn too much when I'm pregnant and it disrupts his sleep..... ok. Back to the point: he cut me out. He has been angry and rude to me for at least 8 months, so even before he left. Same old story as everybody else's cheating spouse it seems. Here's why I'm writing:
For the past 3 weeks or so I started to notice a slight shift in my my stbxh's attitude. When he is with the kids and we are around each other at my house (he looks after them at the house, as he does not have any gear), he has been trying to engage me in a conversation. He has been pleasant, which is simply weird. When I text about the kids (and I do, since I want to do everything right for court... I keep notes when he does not), he now began texting me back. Last night I actually had a semi-closure talk with him for the first time since he left. When he did leave, I found out his intention from a voicemail of him talking to somebody else... we never actually had an honest break-up talk. He still tried to deny the cheating, but I told him I knew and that I am a smart girl. He just answered 'I know you are'. Then I told him that his new relationship will also have struggles and require work, cause that's how relationships go, even if he thinks now it's perfect. His answer was 'if that's how committed relationships are, then I don't want to be in a committed relationship'.... Interesting. I asked him if he could babysit friday night (his rehearsal night) so I could go out for a work-do, since I haven't been out in like 10 months. He said he'll talk to the band and see if he can move it. That was new. His rehearsals are sacred.... All that just seems odd to me. The new ex. is an ass hole, so this friendly ex just doesn't seem right. Here's the kicker, I get a phone call tonight on the house phone and he has not called the house since he left 6 months ago. It was him. He called to tell me that the he moved his rehearsal and I can go out and that he can put the kids to bed if I want to go out earlier. He even said that he checked with his friends, and the pub I am going to tends to get a line outside by 9, so he'll take care of the kids so I can leave earlier and not be stuck in line...!!!???? whaaaa? Who is this person. But most importantly WHY is he nice all of a sudden. This is what my red flag is about. What does he want? Custody is agreed, finances are agreed. He doesn't have to pay me child support (long story, the laws here blow) based on his income, but he still gives me money. So what is up? Is she pregnant? Is this preparation for some other blow? What do you guys think? 
One last thing, the school where he teaches and where the ex-student just graduated from is apparently swirling with gossip about them. Students talk, she probably bragged. Does he want me to bail him out? What do you think this is. I'm actually stunned. I guess I just got used to the new As*shole ex. 
And no, I don't think he wants me back, he mentioned that our relationship wasn't working out, so that's not it. And no, I wouldn't take him back either. If I did, I'd be the biggest idiot to walk this earth. Any thoughts?:scratchhead:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, Hon, I think you nailed it with your revelation about rumors at the school. I wonder if he wants some kind of testimony or affidavit or something from you. Maybe he could lose his license to teach or something? 
Obviously, don't help him out, but DO take advantage of all the niceness he'll give you for now.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

I was going to say that things with posOW are clearly not working out. The school stuff likely has her skittish.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Originally I was thinking this was all an attempt to keep control over you and have you as a backup. But with the timeframe of less than a year and the exposure at his job it seems to me that.... well..... he's just not that into her anymore. 

If there relationship was so perfect he wouldn't be coming to you or treating you with kindness. I'm fairly certain he would be looking for reasons to snub you and prevent you from chasing by either bringing her around or avoiding any unnecessary contact with you. 

Like I told Daisygirl41 over and over, time he's spending with you is time he's not spending with her. In fact I'm betting she's either getting on his nerves or pressuring him for commitment at a time when he doesn't even want to consider marriage because all of this is too painful. 

Oh sure he may have told her "I love you!" and "someday I'll marry you!" but you know that was just to keep getting booty. An 18yo has no idea of what love is beyond puppy dog relationships in school. LIke I told you a few months ago it wont be too long before little miss sunshine leaves a dirty old man for someone her age.

Keep going through with the divorce but don't rule out a friendship with him for the sake of the children. If you need a few more months to yourself just continue with the 180 and respectfull turn down any offers to get together. You always have a chance to reconcile in the future a few years from now when this doesn't hurt as much. That's a year or two of banging sexy studs and jealous looks from him when he picks up the kids. Relax, it will get a lot better after divorce when you learn to love and enjoy yourself like you did before.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks for a thoughtful answer Nsweet. I think you're right. I don't think he's into her as much anymore, although he's still into her... or sex or whatever. I don't think he's into me either, now that he has tasted 'freedom'. I was his first real relationship, you see. I had a basis for comparison, he didn't. The other thing I'm thinking is that either he's finding that life is hard either with me or without me, and doesn't blame me for everything that's wrong with his life anymore. Or maybe he just wants me to go get laid myself so he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore. Blah


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're still thinking too much into this. Remember, he's still going to avoid taking responsibility for his decisions one way or another. He's acting on feelings not on intelligence..... So you're going to see him swing back and forth between sweet and sour while attempting to get his other needs met by you. So long as you keep him an arms length way he will keep trying to win you over, but you should still stay the course and keep encouraging him to be with her. Let him OD on an awkward and annoying teenage girl, LOL.

Big thing to remember about cheaters is that you're dealing with the needy childish ego that wants to have everything with no consequences. They want to feel safe having a betrayed spouse who will lovingly take them back and enjoy themselves with the "exciting" affair partner. Take away either one of these options and you weaken the whole house of cards. I think they know eventually they're going to have to accept heartbreak with one choice or another so they try for as long as possible to keep both people.

I'm glad he's finally stopped blaming you for his own misery. That's at least a good start towards acceptance and the fog being lifted, BUT his affair is far from over. You still need to be on your guard to keep from giving him any ammo to use against you that makes the OW look like the better option, and you still need to keep up your attractive status by being desirable but not easily obtained. Go date and make him jealous without trying to. Watch. As soon as you start dating and give him the kiss off he'll try to win you over by any means necessary. 

You know what would be really funny.... If you found an attractive gay guy who acts incredibly straight you can be "just friends" with and have over all the time. Because nothing says "You've been replaced!" like chopping off all your hair and having a ripped shirtless guy holding your children when he comes over. "He's just A FRIEND!":rofl:


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I never thought I'd see the lighter side of my situation, but you just nailed it


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You know the best part about the affair game is learning to play it yourself. Think about it, you know practically everything about his true nature that he doesn't. With a little reading up on psychology you can turn the tables and beat the OW at her own game without really trying or using sex as a weapon. 

You know, stop fighting with him and let them hump like bunny rabbits for a while. Shortly thereafter her facade as "the perfect partner" will fall apart and it will just one WTF moment after another before he's looking to you as "just a friend" to complain to. You know what comes next don't you? Sure ya do! 

You start to hear from him a little more often and he starts telling you about his life, hoping you'll care. You feign interest and let him try to impress you while keeping most of your activities a mystery. Pretty soon he's telling you all about how wonderful she is..... then how she's not acting like she used to..... then treating him badly. 

He volunteers all the information you need to sew seeds of doubt and have him second guess his affair, OR more passively emphasize and tweak your own attitude to keep being the better option he can't have. Keep agreeing with him in a zen like manor. 

You: She did what? She's been telling people at your job about you and her?! I'm sorry to hear that... I can't believe she would do that. I'm sure it was just an accident.... You know she's not trying to intentionally hurt you, she's just excited. 

Him: Thanks I needed to hear that.

And then you keep this up for X amount of months until he starts making excuses to get away from her and be with the kids (and you), because you're treating him kindly and have made it clear you don't want him romantically anymore. You keep this up for a while and start seeming like the better option and she has one melt down after another before he drops her like.... LOL a highschool relationship on graduation day!:rofl:


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> The other thing I'm thinking is that either he's finding that life is hard either with me or *without* me, and doesn't blame me for everything that's wrong with his life anymore. *Or maybe he just wants me to go get laid myself so he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore*. Blah


There is your answer.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Honeystly,

This is where I get myself into trouble...when my ex starts to show me any sort of decency or act somewhat "nice" to me, I start to question his motives and I start to view him as a "human being"....it usually ends up biting me in the rear, though 

My advice to you would be to just not try to figure him out. That is great that he is going to watch the kids so you can go out on Friday night. That is great news....but, if your ex is anything like mine, I wouldn't read too much into it. Don't expect him to be a "changed man"... Don't expect him to do it again next month.

Take what you can get, but don't waste time trying to figure him out. 

Personally, I don't think I will ever understand why my ex does the things that he does. ...but, at this point, I don't really care.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Ok so here goes a bizarre update:
I posted this on the infidelity section too as I'm not sure where it fits.
Yesterday was the day I went out. Stbxh hung out with the kids during the day as usual and then he stayed at the house when they went to sleep so I could go out. I was out at a work function with my girlfriend for about 3 hours (first time in 3 years!). It was ok, had a couple of beers and watched my coworkers make asses out of themselves. I caught 3 teachers doing coke in the toilet.... cut another one from telling me her rape story, etc. Just made me remember why I don't tend to go out as much, and how much I loved being married with kids.... Anywhoo, so I got home around 11:30, as everybody was too pissed and went to party elsewhere. So I get home and almost all the lights are on. I found that a bit strange. When I opened the door my whole house was shiny clean! I mean dishes washed, containers stacked, kitchen spotless, all toys put away, 10 weeks worth of laundry folded, socks paired, dvds in their cases, remotes lined up, books shelved. I mean , spotless!!!! He showed me what he did and apologised for not finding all the socks. WTF????? wtf, wtf?I just kinda stood there. Then I gave him a quick overview of my weird night and he went home. Before he left he asked if he could see the kids more in the next two weeks, as we both have school holidays now so we don't work (teachers). Our parenting agreement gives him a week when the kids sleep over, so I said ok, we'll chat later, when he wants them. WtF? this makes NO sense. None. Guilt? Pity? The house was a mess as I worked the whole term and me and the kids have been pretty sick for the past few days. Maybe he finally sees that OW is not all she's cracked up to be at 18? I really don't think it's about R. No. That's not it. Maybe he's afraid of loneliness if it doesn't work out and wants me to be his friend? WTF? Any thoughts buds?

Jpr, what do you think? You have the weirdness too don't you? Is your stbxh still with OW?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Honey,

Are you in a hurry?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

What do you mean Conrad&Jane? To divorce? Or to know what's up?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> What do you mean Conrad&Jane? To divorce? Or to know what's up?


Both.

Sounds like it may be time to observe - and learn.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, and observe I will. Like I've said before, I just got used to the hatred/ignoring me track he was on and now I'm thrown. Anger propelled my 'recovery' and this path suuuuucks. I don't want to see the good or whatever in him. That doesn't help me. You know?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Wonderful! Just wonderful! Look at how much energy he is spending trying to get you back that he could be using on the OW. Does this seem like a half assed attempt to keep you as a back up plan? I don't see a dozen roses from the grocery store and a sloppily written Hallmark card. He's really trying here and it seems he prefers spending time with you.

Now there still is the question as to whether he is going to remain consistent once he gets the affection from you he seeks, but don't be so quick to look a gift horse in the mouth here. Always, always, always keep reminding yourself that the more time he spends with you is time he is away from her. Even if they are taking a so called "break" you have advantages she doesn't.

Your story is very similar to Daisygirl41's where her husband started getting fed up with the OW and he spent Mother's Day and her birthday with her. He started making excuses to spend more and more time together with her because she was so friendly and not lashing out at him anymore. It was only like 6-8 weeks later that he came home complaining that the OW was being too controlling and he was done with her. HE said he had been meaning to break up with the OW but couldn't decide until then. 

What I constantly told her that I am sure I will have to drill into you is to stop arguing with what you want being not what he wants and just enjoy spending a little time together. Show him your mature enough to spend a couple hours together, not once talking about the two of you or his relationship with the OW. Enough time has passed that he should be open to friendship without bashing you. Nevertheless, keep all time between you two together with the kids to 4-5 hours or less with breaks when you need them. I found anything over 12 hrs causes fights and you sort of OD on each other. 

You will really have to exercise the 180 and not complain no matter what. I saw hickeys on my wife that could have sent me off in a rage but I chose to not spoil a good time.... and I knew the OM did that just to leave his mark (Jealous much). Start with something simple and follow the three Cs (conversation, comfort, and cheap). Try going out to eat at a cafe with your children once a week or once every two weeks. You each pay for your own meal and give each other the space you need when you need it. Your H will need to keep in touch with the OW to reassure her that you're not doing anything together, and you'll need space to cry silently in the bathroom and let the visine for red eyes kick in before you come out. 

Not going to lie this is going to be very difficult and you may need to seek out some medication like an antidepressant or something to keep you from freaking out on him. Just know that every fight you have with him from here on will push him further away and that will take twice as much time to undue. Even if you don't want him back yet you will still benefit from this practice. AND watching the OW crash and burn is the best secret victory you could ever wish for. 

Just be thankful she's only 18 and won't see what's coming next. If you had to deal with a manipulative long drawn out divorce and see them experience a second honeymoon you'd loose your mind take a lot longer to heal from. But even those affairs end broken promises to remarry and crushed expectations of the AP being better than the BS. 

Have you read "Divorce Remedy" after this you need to get a copy!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Nsweet, thank you so much for your feedback. I don't know if I could ever take him back.... I just know that this hurts, that's all. What I wanted to ask you is, what is the ending to your story? Are you back with your wife? What happened?


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Honey,

Wow. So, he cleaned your entire house??...that was strange. :scratchhead:

But, truthfully, I still won't read much into it. As Conrad&Janie said, I think I would just step back and observe. ...see what he does next....but, don't make any assumptions. Don't read too much into it.

I am guilty of reading into my ex's actions and words a little too much. He was acting really down lately around me and half-way decent, so I thought it was because perhaps he was missing being part of a family---maybe regretting leaving his family??. ...but, no. I was wrong. He recently wrote me an email stating that he didn't get his summer salary like he thought he was going to get and that his grants fell through. He is in dire financial straits, and he wrote me a sob story about this.  And, his strategy worked. Because he was acting decent to me lately, and acting depressed/sad/regretful when I was around him, I now do feel badly for him.  ....but, I am trying to keep my wits about me...I am trying to fight the urge to "save" him.

So, I guess my point is this....yes, what your STBXH did was nice. ...and strange :scratchhead:...and unlike him. But, it was just ONE action. Don't read too much into it. Just say "thanks" to him, and go about living your life as you normally would. Don't waste too much time hypothesizing at the reasons why he did what he did. His motives will probably show up sooner or later. ...be careful with that heart of yours, Honey. Don't open it up too wide for him. 


As a side note...Wow. Your teacher-friends!  Holy cow! They seem like a pretty wild bunch! Geeez.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

...oh...and I have no idea if my ex is still has a girlfriend. She lives on the other side of the country from him. So, if they are still having an affair, I am sure that it is not a very fulfilling one.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

No one says you have to take him back or even like him for that matter, but it would be better for your children if you could get along. 

Besides I think he knows how hard winning your approval will be after this. He risks losing his kids, his job, and God knows how much money over some awkward teenage sl*t that won't want him in a few years.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

jpr, serves him right. He seriously should have thought about her moving before he left EVERYTHING that mattered.

As for the teachers yup, a complete train wreck. I feel disillusioned to be honest. I thought at least some people who seem professional on the outside were grown up. Not sure about people anymore. Everybody seems to be f*ucked up to the point that when you're not completely mental, you're the odd one out. Was everyone neglected as a child? Seriously! And no, I won't open my heart up... my issue is that closing it off becomes more challenging when he's nice to me. I don't want to get all sentimental!
NSweet, yeah it will be damn hard to get my approval. I suppose I'll treat this as an isolated incident for now, for my own sanity. I'll update this thread if something else goes down. 
What's done is done, I simply wish it never happened to begin with. Even if the insanity subsides, it won't make a different in the end. I hope OW crawls up his a*ss so hard he'll have to forcibly remove her. She deserves that. And he deserves what he will get. Dumbsh*t.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

WOW! Take that anger out on a hobby.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

yeah, I'm angry... I've been through a lot.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> jpr, serves him right. He seriously should have thought about her moving before he left EVERYTHING that mattered.
> 
> As for the teachers yup, a complete train wreck. I feel disillusioned to be honest. I thought at least some people who seem professional on the outside were grown up. Not sure about people anymore. Everybody seems to be f*ucked up to the point that when you're not completely mental, you're the odd one out. Was everyone neglected as a child? Seriously! And no, I won't open my heart up... my issue is that closing it off becomes more challenging when he's nice to me. I don't want to get all sentimental!
> NSweet, yeah it will be damn hard to get my approval. I suppose I'll treat this as an isolated incident for now, for my own sanity. I'll update this thread if something else goes down.
> What's done is done, I simply wish it never happened to begin with. Even if the insanity subsides, it won't make a different in the end. I hope OW crawls up his a*ss so hard he'll have to forcibly remove her. She deserves that. And he deserves what he will get. Dumbsh*t.


Honeystly,

Most people are really screwed up.

What the people in this forum don't realize is that they have an opportunity to wake up that many people never get.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Today was poop. I actually caught myself having a little fantasy about stbxh knocking on the front door all wet from the rain in the late evening hours, me opening the door and asking him what he is doing here, and him falling on his knees and crying, begging for forgiveness. I then tell him that I will not stay married but we can date secretly so his family doesn't know and doesn't ruin it for us, and we go to MC.... then I started feeling like a pathetic loser for thinking such stupid thoughts, while he's hanging out with OW. He went away for a couple of days today, either to see his parents or to spend some time with her. S*it like this makes me hate myself. I know I shouldn't think these stupid thoughts, yet they sneak up on me. What cured me is my little boy crying for his dad again, and his dad most likely screwing some dumb b*tch, with no consideration for anybody but herself. 
He can take his cleaning of the house and stick it up his as*s! Yeah, still angry...


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

This is normal, honey. Try to snap yourself out of those fantasies as soon as possible...keep a lost of the and stuff nearby at all times. Eventually you will memorize it and be able to stop them faster!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh, and don't ever feel badly. Your feelings are valid and it is important for you to feel them all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks MyselfAgain. It's hard to feel your feelings are valid when somebody who was meant to love you till they died, just shat on them without any consideration. I used to be so confident.... now I just feel ashamed and not good enough. Today at least.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Thanks MyselfAgain. It's hard to feel your feelings are valid when somebody who was meant to love you till they died, just shat on them without any consideration. I used to be so confident.... now I just feel ashamed and not good enough. Today at least.


You are the loyal and faithful wife; why should you feel bad? You are not good enough for a cheater who takes advantage of naive young girls? Balderdash!! Use your anger to complete the divorce. Concentrate on YOU. Take action; do things to make yourself feel better.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

lovesherman, thank you for your kind words. And thank you for using the phrase 'balderdash' That is the highlight of my evening.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Update again. So that didn't last long. 2 days later his new song came out on you tube. It's called classy girl.... and it's about her. The chorus goes "my days are numbered". So it's about how beautiful she is and how he's gonna leave my ass any day now. Super. We got into a huge fight and I told him he's a scumbag (again). Then 2 days ago I did something stupid. He was at the house hanging with the kids and I just got so upset. I came up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and crying said "you broke my heart". What did he do? He ran. Yes. Actually ran out of the house. Is that normal????? I don't think so. I also saw a lawyer and was told I could most likely go back to the us, which I don't want to. But the lawyer asked me an interesting question. She said 'Why do you let him into your house"? She said that's it's a marital asset but my residence and to pack some stuff for the kids he could keep, get the kids ready in the morning, hand the stuff over and say 'see you at five'. So I packed the bags, wrote a list of things he'll need in the future (like diapers, which he hasn't bothered to buy yet) and put them by the door. I also am going tomorrow to sign up for a new cellphone plan, since he still didn't take me off the family plan and it's in his name, therefore I can't access the account as I am not the plan 'owner'. I will not give him my new number. He can email me or call me at the house. I am cutting this mother****er out. The end. He will not play mind games with me any longer. Every time I see him at the house it's a trigger and pushes me down further. I'm done.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Those sound like good steps to take, Honeystly. It will be hard to stick with them, take it from me. But it will be better every time you can make one of those big changes stick.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Inside the Mind of an Abuser: What you Need to Know


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