# Mixed messages



## SoConfused!!! (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi everyone, 

Thanks for the perspective. I feel it wasn't smart to come here and seek advice. While the advice that was offered was helpful, ultimately I should have just talked more with my wife rather than looking for advice from people who don't really know or understand the people involved.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SoConfused!!! said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I haven't been on here and a long time, but I thought I'd come and express my feelings to get some feedback as I may not have the right perspective.
> 
> ...


I do many things that are juvenile and are probably at least as harmful as what you're doing. Or more!

What's her actual concern? Legality? Health? Something else?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

SoConfused!!! said:


> We talked about what would it be like if I started smoking again. She wasn't into it, but she was fine if I did, as long as it wasn't a habit. As she said, smoking every day. We lived together for a year before we got married and I had not smoked at all, except the last week of year as a sort of bring in the year tradition. Which she has said is perfectly acceptable. What usually happens is she goes to bed and since I'm a late owl, I stay up later and have a few puffs, a routine that carries on for about a week. Then I don't smoke for the rest of the year, unless I'm around friends that do which is very rare and she has said is fine.
> 
> However, this year, I'm not doing the tradition, my schedule during that time has changed and it will not work. Also, a couple of times this year, specifically over the last 4 months, I have taken the opportunity to smoke. 3 of the 4 occasions were like before, when she is a sleep in bed, but totally aware of what is going on and once she was away for a weekend, still totally aware.
> 
> ...


You are doing it more often and she is not ok with it.

She says it's unattractive to her and she thinks it's juvenile. What is her opinion of you worth to you?



SoConfused!!! said:


> I was taken aback because while we agreed that it was ok, I never fully felt assured she was ok with it no matter how much she reassured me she was fine with it. Then this happens. We were both upset by the conversation and it's currently unresolved. We will talk about because we don't like leaving things unresolved, but I'm having a hard time seeing her point of view considering the history. It also brings up a concern I've had about her personality in general and feeds a narrative that I've held, so not seeing her POV on this issue is also weighted by previous disagreements.


From what you described, you've recently changed the rules. 

And her point of view about that seems pretty clear, whatever the narrative in your mind.



SoConfused!!! said:


> Looking for clarity because I love her, I love our marriage, but I feel manipulated in a sense, yet unsure if I'm just being selfish.


You are being selfish. 

What is more important to you?


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## SoConfused!!! (Nov 16, 2012)

Well, based on plenty of discussions her and I have had about her past experiences with people who have used any kind of potential addictive substances, I'm pretty sure she has anxiety about me using it. She has had some pretty horrible experiences growing up with alcohol abuse in her family and dated someone who smoked ALL the time and didn't prioritize things or remember things for that matter. Those are the highlights, but she's not had fond memories of anyone who drank regularly or did any kind of legal\illegal drug. 

I've expressed that she not compare me to those people from her past, but states that is not the issue or major issue. As I said, she listed stuff last night, but I don't think any of it is root cause which is where I'm not sure she is being honest with me about, but at the same time if she is not giving any other reason, then I can only accept what she is saying as her honest truth.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@SoConfused!!!

I don't see a mixed message here AT ALL. In fact, it's very consistent: she had bad experiences with alcoholism and smokers in the past who over-did. Prior to "recently" you had lived in a way that showed her that you didn't smoke regularly (other than that once-a-year tradition). She thought you were the type who would not smoke or at most 1 or 2 times a year--not every other month or so.

You are the one who is being inconsistent. First you act like you don't smoke, and you say it's not important... Then you DO smoke, and if she says something, now it IS important. 

So which is it? If you're a regular pot smoker and it's important to you to be able to smoke whenever you want, then you mislead her. If you aren't a regular pot smoker and it's not important to you, then why are you so thrown for a loop now? If it wasn't important to you, you'd just shrug and say, "Oh, okay." 

The only mixed message I see is from you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

SC, what once you played with as a child, and because you are no longer a child put childish behavior's away. You can not be so linear in thinking here, you can be a mature man and grow with your relationship with your wife. It's kinda like when you were a kid you may have swore when you grew up no one was going to tell you how many cookies you could eat!! But because you matured you performed self realization of knowing if you only ate cookies, it would be bad for you. 

Well it maybe time to do some changing for the good of your relationship. And to protect your wife from her fears of her past life. You are the greatest thing to her at this moment of your lives together. Why would you act as a definitive in this instance, open your relationship to a greater level and it now time for you to give something of yourself, because of your love for her.

I could give a hoot if it's booze, cig smoking, over eating, or any other addictive desire. It's time to be the leader of you relationship. And if you don't see it in this way, imagine if she was a shopping junkie, or a shoe hoarder, or insert (HERE whatever). Do you see a different perspective?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I will respectfully say that sometimes people change over the course of time and even during a marriage. Their habits, thing that want to try. I think that needs to be considered. Especially if OP isn't smoking an extreme amount.





Affaircare said:


> @SoConfused!!!
> 
> I don't see a mixed message here AT ALL. In fact, it's very consistent: she had bad experiences with alcoholism and smokers in the past who over-did. Prior to "recently" you had lived in a way that showed her that you didn't smoke regularly (other than that once-a-year tradition). She thought you were the type who would not smoke or at most 1 or 2 times a year--not every other month or so.
> 
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree that you are sending mixed messages. The amount of pot you are smoking now is much higher than previously. Have you two talked about having children? That could be what has her worried.

I also think that for someone who says it's no big deal to you that you are making this into a big deal.


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## SoConfused!!! (Nov 16, 2012)

I would like to say that what's important is not the fact of whether I can or can't, it's the clarity of the concern and its reason. I would argue that once she engaged in it a few times, like she has, calling it juvenile or unattractive seems more manipulative than an actual held belief. 

What I do understand are her fears, but I'm not those people and don't ever plan or want to be. When I tried to cut to the heart of what I felt this was about with her, she assured me that it wasn't the problem. She has no issue with me smoking it, but how often does seem to be a concern, although frequency has increased the amount of time actually spent is about equal to times in the past where she did approve.

We are not interested in having children which is something we talked about before getting married and I'm very confident that won't change. At our age, it's not a direction we want to take our lives. 

Ultimately, I do love her and love being married to her, so of course I will have more conversations with her about it. Hopefully, we can get back on the same page as well. As far as giving it up? Sure, if I chose to do that, but even she would ask me why would I do that. 

I appreciate everyone weighing in on this and welcome any more opinions.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When you wife thought you were rarely indulging, it wasn't a concern, but when you increased your intake, the reasons she listed suddenly became a problem, because rare indulgence wouldn't trigger the issues that she is concerned about with more active use. The more a person smokes, the more problems can arise from smoking.

As far as it being juvenile, a lot of people associate pot smoking with teenagers sitting around doing nothing and getting nowhere. If she sees you increasing your use, she may be worried about you turning into that guy.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Quote:
What I do understand are her fears, but I'm not those people and don't ever plan or want to be. end quote.

Everybody who got hooked on something said this. And because your here proves somewhere in your mind. You understand.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SoConfused!!! said:


> It also brings up a concern I've had about her personality in general and feeds a narrative that I've held, so not seeing her POV on this issue is also weighted by previous disagreements.


Could you clarify ^^THIS^^ statement? Could you explain this in relation to the issue on pot smoking? Thanks!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

SoConfused!!! said:


> I would like to say that what's important is not the fact of whether I can or can't, *it's the clarity of the concern and its reason. * I would argue that once she engaged in it a few times, like she has, calling it juvenile or unattractive seems more manipulative than an actual held belief.
> 
> What I do understand are her fears, but I'm not those people and don't ever plan or want to be. When I tried to cut to the heart of what I felt this was about with her, she assured me that it wasn't the problem. She has no issue with me smoking it, but *how often does seem to be a concern,* although frequency has increased the amount of time actually spent is about equal to times in the past where she did approve.
> 
> ...


To me, weed is becoming more and more a need rather than a want as I read your posts. Y'all's POVs are far from aligned. Maybe she doesn't like the person you become when you smoke.

Sounds like she is uncomfortable with you smoking while she is out of town. Is it legal where you live? DUI could ruin your life.

Furthermore, are you now seeing this as a 'controlling' personality trait? If you love her more than pot, show her by your actions.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SoConfused!!! said:


> I would like to say that what's important is not the fact of whether I can or can't, it's the clarity of the concern and its reason. *I would argue that once she engaged in it a few times, like she has, calling it juvenile or unattractive seems more manipulative than an actual held belief. *


And I would argue exactly the opposite. She's not making an uninformed decision. She isn't being reflexive; she's being intelligent and thoughtful. The fact that it scares her is not irrational. 

If you came to an agreement on your pot smoking prior to marriage, and now you wish to toss that aside, it's your choice whether to do so arbitrarily, or come to a new agreement, one in which she doesn't feel at all coerced to go along with. I would decide ahead of time if this is a deal breaker for you; you should consider it is quite possibly a deal-breaker for her. 

If I were in your shoes, I would, if I wished to stay married to this woman, stop the "extra" usage immediately. Go back to the original agreement. And then, have a weekend together at which you discuss all the possibly-uncomfortable scenarios of your future life together. Your fears, her fears, boundaries and especially notions of privacy. That's what I would do, but I'm not you. 

Alternatively, seek out marriage counseling. Actually, if there's a chance that either of you feel you're being manipulated by the other (and you've already brought this up), marriage counseling might be the best first thing to do. It's my opinion that nearly everyone waits far too long before engaging in marriage counseling. Now may be the right time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why would you even want to do something that is bad for you anyway, and that you wife doesn't like. Just stop.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I will never understand how people can let something like drugs or alcohol become an issue in their marriage. You're causing your wife stress. Just stop doing. It's not good for you, and its clearly not good for your marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is obviously already a problem or you would not be here talking about it. The fact is you should just quit but you cant ..... so you are here looking for some justification.

Don't fool yourself ...... it is already a problem. Don't choose weed over your wife. It is that simple.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

SoConfused!!! said:


> I would like to say that what's important is not the fact of whether I can or can't, it's the clarity of the concern and its reason. I would argue that once she engaged in it a few times, like she has, calling it juvenile or unattractive seems more manipulative than an actual held belief.
> 
> What I do understand are her fears, but I'm not those people and don't ever plan or want to be. When I tried to cut to the heart of what I felt this was about with her, she assured me that it wasn't the problem. She has no issue with me smoking it, but how often does seem to be a concern, although frequency has increased the amount of time actually spent is about equal to times in the past where she did approve.
> 
> ...


It will be very difficult to make anyone understand that willfully chooses not to, you may be better off cutting your losses. My ex was the same with me and never changed her stance, yet our three adult children all use it and I’ve been a medicinal user for many many years. Ignorance abounds. 

I was much like you at one time but now find myself in a much better place with a wonderful wife that fully supports me and would never think of making me stop. Some people will never understand and believe all the hysteria surrounding pot, reefer madness. 🙄 You’re going to have to decide if it’s a deal breaker, it is for me. I’m a medical user and smoke more than most, from the time I awake until the time I go to bed, best medicine ever! 👍🏼 Good luck, I hope you guys can work it out.


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