# Trying to rebuild - help!



## thegenericjournal (Aug 31, 2015)

For the story up to this point, see my previous post.

I had (am having?) an emotional affair with another woman. Someone I fell deeply in love with. I'm married. 

Today, we agreed to split ways. Not because we don't love each other. But simply because we both agreed that we made vows to others (she's married as well), we have children and what we're doing is simply not right.

I know this is the right thing to do. I've talked to my wife about this and she's supportive. Saying things like, "we'll get through this", and "we will fix this" and then asking what she can do to make things better.

The thing is this: I'm hurting. The other woman said that we can't hold on hope that "we" could ever be. That has to disappear. We have to hurt, grieve, then move on with our lives. She's right, if we want to make our marriages work. I get that.

But this hurt.... I feel so broken. I want to make my marriage work for my child's sake. I know I've loved my wife. I think I can again, but I don't feel like I do now. She's trying to fix us and I'm just broken. I love this other woman, and she loves me. I know, it could be this "fog", the love chemicals, but that doesn't make it hurt less. The thought of her hurting because of me makes me want to cry 24/7. 

I can't start to try to love her until I finish hurting. I know, that sounds selfish, but I don't have the emotional capacity to try to love my wife again until the pain subsides.

Will the pain subside? How do I move forward? I can't even begin to explain the profound sadness I feel at letting someone go that I love.

Help?

Yours in tears,

TGJ


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm not saying it's impossible, but you seem to have fallen "in love" with this other woman pretty fast. I've read all of your other posts, so I know the whole story. You're in a no win situation, at least for now. You gave yourself over emotionally to someone else and you will have to fully bleed those feelings dry, before you can attempt to have any for your wife again. In essence, you and your wife are back to square one and you may never fall in love with her again, which hurts you both.

You are experiencing the same feelings as someone who had just gotten divorced and you need to move on and forget, before there is any chance at rekindling lost feelings for your wife. I wonder how long she will wait for you??

If the other woman is suffering the same as you, as well as her husband, it might be time to pack it in and take a chance with your "new" relationship? I know you have kids that you don't want to hurt, but once you lose an emotional connection, you seldom regain it and that will hurt children more in the long run, there is no benefit for a child to grow up in an unhappy distant marriage.

I honestly think you stepped too far over the line to go back again, there is only forward now.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Imagine your wife in love w another dude? Does that help?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to tell your wife the truth. She deserves this. If you both want to save your marriage, you need to see a marriage counselor. Your wife will be very hurt and may not survive your marriage. What you have done is played with fire and you got burnt. You and the Other Woman had betrayed and deceived your spouses.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I would tough it out. Sometimes it is the only way forward.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The old adage is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The reality is that unless you purposefully nurture the fantasy, it's actually pretty hard to stay "in love" with someone you don't see or talk to at all. 

So, give it at least 8 weeks of absolutely no contact with the other woman. Tackle it one day at a time if you need to. But, strictly no contact at all - no calls, emails, texts, no in-person meetings, no casual run-ins at he store. Also, no mooning over past communications. Burn any letters, delete emails and texts, block her number and email address. Remove anything that triggers you to think of her. Keep nothing to "remember your love" by, no mementos. And if/when you find yourself thinking of her, occupy yourself with something else - exercise, a hobby, playing with your kids, engaging with your wife, work, whatever. After a solid 8 weeks of strict no-contact, you should find that you are at least starting to feel a lot better. 

Even after that, though, you should still maintain strict no-contact with the other woman. The two of you can never, ever, try to be "just friends". That would be a _profound_ insult to both of your betrayed spouses.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

thegenericjournal said:


> I've talked to my wife about this and she's supportive. Saying things like, "we'll get through this", and "we will fix this" and then asking what she can do to make things better.


Could you elaborate on this?

What exactly did you tell your wife? What was her reaction? Based on your brief comment above, it doesn't sound like she's angry with you at all. More like she just wants to rugsweep the whole thing.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I can relate on both sides of this one. I have been on this forum in the past when I was struggling with issues in my marriage, now going on 37 years of marriage.

I grieved an emotional affair relationship too long. I had my reasons for seeking intimacy elsewhere. I did not have confidence my husband would honor my needs, so I withdrew but stayed married. Then, eventually, I was willing to give my heart fully to my husband. 

To do this, I had to cut off all contact. It was hard, but I eventually realized I was using this other person rather than engaging in real intimacy. I gave him up. It felt like a junkie giving up heroin.

I now know affairs, especially when there is physical sex, create a strong addiction. Treat the emotional affair like one too, if you want any chance with your wife.

Read Falling In Love, Staying In Love by Harley and the blog topics. I wish I had read and tried these ideas. I may have resisted during my emotional affair, but as I thought I was giving myself to my husband, I later learned, he had given up on me.

This summer, I found out my husband had a sexual affair with his
secretary. I guess I had it coming, but I truly thought we had gotten beyond the problems and were moving toward a good future together.

Yes, you feel loss and grief. If you value your self, respect your self enough to get help out of the addiction and be willing to be completely, radically honest with your wife. 

No truth = no love. Intimacy requires truth and empathy.

Some people are so damaged as young children, they do not feel safe in intimate relationships. They develop self-absorbed or narcissistic personality traits which make it close to impossible to be close.

If you are that person...run do not walk to a good individual therapist to work on it with you! 
If your wife is that kind if person, and that is why you got involved with the other person, read Disarming the Narcissist for a practical way to be in relationship.

No matter how you do this, do the work to own your feelings and responses and avoid blaming your wife or idolizing the other. Otherwise, you may find yourself a few more years down the road, having lost them both.

Grace and peace to you!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"Otherwise, you may find yourself a few more years down the road, having lost them both" <------LET THIS SINK IN DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

thegenericjournal said:


> For the story up to this point, see my previous post.
> 
> I had (am having?) an emotional affair with another woman. Someone I fell deeply in love with. I'm married.
> 
> ...


Man, I read your post and got a little teared up myself! You poor little thing! Then I blinked the dust out of my eyes and felt much better.

Now, it's super tough, being a narcissist and the only person who really has feelings, but there are some exercises that may help you, here.

Pretend that your children are real, and that they have feelings and emotions. Then try to pretend that you're one of your own kids, wondering what YOU did that made Daddy leave, and only be around a couple of days every other week. Then pretend that you're older, and have come to understand that the reason Daddy wasn't around wasn't really because of anything you did- it was because Daddy loved some piece of ass more than he loved you, and your siblings, and your Mom.

Then pretend to try and not hate that guy, your Dad.

Yeah, I know, modeling someone else's behavior is too hard. Right now, you're in PAIN!

You can't even love your wife, you have to heal first.

I bet you're so wounded that you can't even crawl off and heal on your own- all you can do is suffer over losing the love of your life, and spread your misery around to your family in the process.

*Will the pain subside?* Sure it will. One of you will break and go fishing for contact, and when you are emoting at each other again you'll feel all better. You should be in an agony of self-loathing, but that pre-supposes a conscience.

*How do I move forward?* Well, for now, wallow in self pity some more. Tomorrow, well, probably rinse, repeat.

*I can't even begin to explain the profound sadness I feel at letting someone go that I love. *Yeah, that's so sad. Thank goodness you have a loyal and devoted wife to help you through this difficult patch of life. It's a darn shame that you can't simultaneously experience the profound sadness that happens when your mate decides that you aren't worth being married to any more, That would really open your eyes about what, exactly, constitutes "sadness."

*Help? Yours in tears,* Help? Yours in tears? Really? I mean, I know you're so desperate that you're sharing your sorrows with strangers on the internet, but, really? Yours in tears?

You seem to have the soul of a poet, and the self control of an aggie in a *****house.

Ima have to recommend that you get some professional counseling on boundaries and self control. I also recommend visiting with your local clergy, and going over what constitutes "fidelity" and "devotion" in a marriage, while you still have one.

Most of the best things in life are hard to do. Not-staying in touch with your EA girl would be a really hard thing to do, and 1000% worth the effort. 

So man up and get on with things. If she was REALLY your soul mate, you two would have paid the price and lost both your families to be with each other. She's not the one for you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

This appears like one of those waywards destined for suicide. And for absolutely nothing? Those poor kids...dude


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Get some help!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You think you are hurting? Turn and look at your wife. You will see a woman dying because her husband fell in love with another woman and is now grieving her loss. And she now has to bear up with his sh*t and try to work thru it. She is being the adult. That is hurting.

You sure fall in love quickly. At the beginning of this whole mess everyone warned you to be careful and stop seeing this girl but noooo you had to continue. What did you expect was going to happen? You are married, she is married, did you think anyone would walk away without being hurt?

Please take the advice given to you this time. Stay away from this woman. Get some help. And you better be treating your wife well.


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## thegenericjournal (Aug 31, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Could you elaborate on this?
> 
> What exactly did you tell your wife? What was her reaction? Based on your brief comment above, it doesn't sound like she's angry with you at all. More like she just wants to rugsweep the whole thing.


I told her everything. How over time we (myself and OW) became closer and closer and eventually allowed ourselves to fall in love. She's not angry. She stressed that. She's hurt and disappointed. And she tried to blame herself once. Saying she should have seen it, not encouraged our friendship and pulled me back a long time ago. I told her it was not her fault. AT ALL. She doesn't want to rugsweep. She wants to rebuild. I want to want to rebuild. I'm going through the motions. We will be getting help. I'm sure her anger will come out at some point. She said if there was physical intimacy should would be angry. I told her I didn't understand that. In my mind, this was worse.


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## thegenericjournal (Aug 31, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> This appears like one of those waywards destined for suicide. And for absolutely nothing? Those poor kids...dude


If I didn't know better, I would think you have nothing to do but post one line comments that have little more importance that a fart in a windstorm. Perhaps it makes you feel better to do this on a forum full of broken people that are grasping at straws? I've appreciated some of your comments, but others, like the one above are completely uncalled for and inappropriate. There are certain things that you should keep between your two ears. That would have been one of them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Thanks for the clarification.

Now, does the OW know that you told your wife? Is she worried that her own husband will find out, or did she similarly tell him too?

Obviously, this will put a strain on all of the friendships involved -- both of you as couples, the other friends involved, etc.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

thegenericjournal said:


> She said if there was physical intimacy should would be angry. I told her I didn't understand that. In my mind, this was worse.


There are two groups of people. 

1) Those that think emotional betrayal is what matters the most.

2) Those that think physical betrayal is worse.

No idea what puts people in which group. 

I'd get over an emotional betrayal but probably couldn't handle physical.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> There are two groups of people.
> 
> 1) Those that think emotional betrayal is what matters the most.
> 
> ...


Your wife might be in the group that thinks that since, you did were not physical, then, it was not so bad. But I agree with you, I think the EA is the worst. Because you fell in love with someone and fell out of love with me. That would just kill me. 

I can understand how you feel because you are grieving. I hope you are not carrying around your grieving in front of your family. Because soon your wife is going to get pissed off. Then, there will be hell to pay. 

What are you doing now to get over this and rebuild?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

thegenericjournal said:


> I told her everything. How over time we (myself and OW) became closer and closer and eventually allowed ourselves to fall in love. She's not angry. She stressed that. She's hurt and disappointed. And she tried to blame herself once. Saying she should have seen it, not encouraged our friendship and pulled me back a long time ago. I told her it was not her fault. AT ALL. She doesn't want to rugsweep. She wants to rebuild. I want to want to rebuild. I'm going through the motions. We will be getting help. I'm sure her anger will come out at some point. She said if there was physical intimacy should would be angry. I told her I didn't understand that. In my mind, this was worse.


She's not angry because of her humiliation, and your not sorry because of your self pity.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Letting go hurts. This is to be expected. It is the price you pay for a) letting things get to where they did with your EA and b) finding the moral strength to put things right for your family.

There are no medals for this. Noone will applaud you for doing what you feel is right. Many will hold the opinion that your pain is only what you deserve for betraying your wife. I think those people are shallow and bitter from their own life experience. Unfortunately most people *are* shallow and can't see beyond their own pain so those kinds of comments are simply expected. Their opinions don't matter. They don't get to live your life.

Letting go of my EA/old friend taught me to be wiser in how much I share of myself and my thoughts with someone who is not my husband--even when that person is a trusted family friend. Boundaries matter. 

The best lessons often come at a cost that includes pain. Your pain will subside with time (the worst will pass in 6-8 weeks if you keep busy) and hopefully will be replaced by a new hope and better attitude toward your family and marriage. Breathe. Love your family--do this actively even if you don't feel it. Take each day as it comes. Most important, learn from your experience so you don't put yourself in this situation ever again. Boundaries matter and affairs can be avoided--you just need to recognize your own needs and be more assertive about getting them met within your marriage.

Best,
- Sapi


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

SFladybug said:


> I grieved an emotional affair relationship too long. I had my reasons for seeking intimacy elsewhere. I did not have confidence my husband would honor my needs, so I withdrew but stayed married. Then, eventually, I was willing to give my heart fully to my husband.
> 
> *To do this, I had to cut off all contact. It was hard, but I eventually realized I was using this other person rather than engaging in real intimacy. I gave him up. It felt like a junkie giving up heroin.*


This was my experience also. 180 works for an affair partner also. Cut contact and get off the 'emotion' needle.



thegenericjournal said:


> I told her everything. How over time we (myself and OW) became closer and closer and eventually allowed ourselves to fall in love. She's not angry. She stressed that. She's hurt and disappointed. And she tried to blame herself once. Saying she should have seen it, not encouraged our friendship and pulled me back a long time ago. I told her it was not her fault. AT ALL. She doesn't want to rugsweep. She wants to rebuild. I want to want to rebuild. I'm going through the motions. We will be getting help. I'm sure her anger will come out at some point. She said if there was physical intimacy should would be angry. I told her I didn't understand that. In my mind, this was worse.


Your wife is a class act. Count your blessings.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

sapientia said:


> This was my experience also. 180 works for an affair partner also. Cut contact and get off the 'emotion' needle.
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife is a class act. Count your blessings.


I agree. She must still have some feelings for you. In my opinion, I think it is a stalemate between the emotional and the physical, at which is worse.
Physical can be just a weak moment and it's over, but your spouse will see you as "unclean" now and will probably kill your sex life.
Emotional is deeper, because it shows you lost those feelings for your spouse and gave them to someone else.

I think recovery is worse with an EA than a PA. Most PA's are just hormone driven flings, with no emotional attachments, so easy to let go. EAs are much harder because you are having to let go of feelings for the OW, while trying to re gain them with your wife and there will be mental resistance on both sides.

Like I've said before, once you lose an emotional connection, it is nearly impossible to get it back again. Staying with your family is the RIGHT thing, but you may find yourself just "going through the motions", you can't force yourself to regain your feelings for your wife, it may happen again, it may not.

The hardest for you is keeping the NO CONTACT rule with the OW. If both of your feelings were that strong for each other, it is going to be extremely difficult, but not impossible.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I hope he's holding on course and his family is well.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

the pain will go away. Just give it time.


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