# D23 needs communication style adjustment



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

D23 has learned some unhealthy communication techniques from her mother. Mostly they are emotionally abusive or manipulative. She learned to bulldoze her way to getting what she wants.

I hear her using absolutes a lot when some form of negotiation should be in play. For example, which movie the family will go to. She'll set up absolutes of "I won't go see that actor" or "I have to be at Suzie's by 8pm so I can't go to XYZ movie". Just zero flexibility from word one.

Then she follows up with some kind of blackmail. "If you go to that movie you'll have to buy dinner and it will cost you a lot more $". Who said I had to buy her dinner in the first place?

Anyhow, I need some kind of resource and a way to approach her on her dysfunctional communication style. Ideas?

(She has her own apartment and is in college. She visits home several times per week. Has 2 part time jobs, and is otherwise a good and responsible young adult).


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I've been reading "Saying what's real" by Susan Campbell. Talks about how to express your needs without trying to control. Seems like you could also teach her in the moment by saying how it makes you feel when she does that. "You know, honey, when you say that I'll have to buy dinner, it makes me not want to take you to the movie either." Someone on another thread on this site I think called that providing the "Now" consequence.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thor said:


> Anyhow, I need some kind of resource and a way to approach her on her dysfunctional communication style. Ideas?


People use what works.
Make her see that this style of imposing her wants over everyone else's doesn`t work.




> She'll set up absolutes of "I won't go see that actor" or "I have to be at Suzie's by 8pm so I can't go to XYZ movie". Just zero flexibility from word one.


Simply tell her ...
"That`s too bad we`ll really miss you at the movie"
..and then go without her.

After awhile she`ll see her attitude doesn`t work and she`ll adjust it to something more feasible.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It seems like your daughter is very assertive, bordering on aggression. I don't see the problem with saying that she cannot see a movie because of other plans, but I don't like the assumption that you will buy her dinner. I agree with Tacoma.


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