# Girlfriend cheated - what to do?



## Isobel's Dad (Oct 7, 2011)

I found out two weeks ago that my girlfriend had sex recently with a married man. It's destroyed me, but she says it was a mistake and she loves me. 

Background:

We met twelve years ago, and have had a volatile relationship. I love her deeply, but from my perspective, she has had anger management issues that have resulted in me calling it off several times in despair, before realising that I miss her and love her loads. I'm sure she'd tell it differently!

She's often said she wants to be married, but I've told her that marriage just isn't important to me, however would certainly do it after e.g. a year of stableness and no dramas. The relationship is more important than a ring, but I guess she wants/needs the commitment.

Four years ago I'm ashamed to say that I had a one night stand with a stranger after a night out drinking. I didn't keep in touch her afterwards. My girlfriend immediately sensed it and confronted me, and I confessed. It resulted in us splitting for about ten months. I now realise that I hadn't appreciated how much that must have hurt her.

Two years ago she fell pregnant, we were both delighted and we now have a 14 month old daughter. Since she was born my girlfriend has refused to live with me and has been living with her parents. Our daughter has stayed over with me on average two or three nights per week, and we've been spending the weekends together as a family. I've told her several times that she is welcome to move back in with me, but have just been waiting for her to want to and realise it's the right thing to do. Things have been difficult, and I suspect there was an element of post-natal depression affecting her (although not to the extent that she was neglecting our baby). Plus my house is in need of serious decoration, so not a particularly nice environment at the moment.

Anyway, about 10 weeks ago we went on a family holiday and it was great. It worked really well. Then about 6 weeks ago we started having sex again. It was the best sex we'd ever had, and we became really close again. It was like starting all over again, and I hadn't been as happy in years. 

Two weeks ago my girlfriend went away on a course (hundreds of miles away) for five days. When she got back we carried on where we'd left off. We talked about her moving back in and how great it would be if she was pregnant, but she got her period.

However something about her week away didn't sit right with me. She hadn't been returning my calls or texts and I got a little suspicious. Logged into her facebook account and there were messages there from a this married man she'd met on the course. They'd had unprotected sex (while we were talking about having another baby) and had kept in touch with phone calls and emails when she got back. In her messages she told him that she suspected as soon as she met him that they would "get it on", which hardly indicates that she was committed to me.

It's clear to me that she immediately fell for the guy, and by keeping in touch was leaving the door open for a repeat. He also seemed very keen, and was full of compliments. 

But now that I've found out she says she loves me, it was a one off mistake, and she wants us to work things out. I'm worried that this is just the guilt of being caught talking, so I guess I'll have to wait and see how she feels in a few weeks. 

I really didn't think she was capable of doing that. All the signs of a lack of contentment have been there for a while, but I really thought we'd turned a corner and were in a good place. That's why it's such a shock to me. In our twelve years together, I'd always felt secure that she'd never do that. She's the only girl I've ever felt that with.

So now we're in a bigger mess than ever. If we continue now I'll have to live with constant insecurity and worry. I even started to doubt whether our baby is mine, although I'm fairly certain she is.

Was what she did understandable and forgivable? I've made an appointment with a counsellor to talk this through, but would like to hear from others who've been through similar.

Although it only happened once, it's the ultimate betrayal in my mind, but it doesn't stop me loving her. It's certainly affected my health, both mental and physically.

Any help/opinions/advice appreciated.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You obviously believe that what she did is forgivable because you are still with her after doing the same to her four years ago. You apparently felt you deserved forgiveness. You stayed and even made a child with her after your offense. You don't have to live with any insecurity that she hasn't had to live with.
Adultary (cause y'all are essentially married, if not legally), is hugely devestating to relationships and not much hurts worse. Let this hurt sink in deep and savor every second of it. Knowing how badly it hurts to be on the receiving end might make it more difficult for you to hurt your partner in the future. I believe if I were you I would not only forgive my partner but apologize again for my offense of four years ago. Only now do you really understand the hurt you caused her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

inform the married man's wife- she deserves to know


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You cheated , she cheated plus all the other ups and downs in your relationship.

You not married , let her go. The love you think you have will disappear over time . Work on yourself , make yourself a better person to be with , a good father and a man who can be trusted in all situations . Learn to keep quiet if there is an argument , don't seek trouble , no begging, no grovelling , no snarky comments and assume there is no future with her. Move on with life. This will take time either she will see a better you or she will leave . If she sees and notices your improvements and wants to share a future with you then she has to adapt as well to make the relationship work.

Btw : next time you date a woman and it gets serious , and you think marriage is not important , guess again . If you are not prepared to make that life long commitment then why should she make any commitment to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would take this as a sign that she really doesn't want to be with you. Unlike your ONS, she appears to have pursued the OM and knowing that he was married still did it. Ew. No only is she a cheater, but she is someone who would help another person cheat.

She may be spending time with you on weekends, but her actions show she views herself fully free to sleep with whatever catches her eye. That's not a good woman in a relationship she values.

Move on. You have wasted enough live and love on her. You can still be a great dad, and in fact can be a better one if your happy and safe with a good woman you can trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she truly felt bad, she also wouldn't continue talking with the OM. Oh, you very much should find his wife and tell her about the cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Get a paternity test for your daughter. Since you're not married and they don't live with you, there is a good chance you won't be stuck for support if she's not yours. If you were married, you would still have to support another man's child.

I agree with the others. You refuse to marry her. She refuses to live with you. You both have cheated. There is a mutual lack of commitment in your relationship. It's not surprising that a single woman cheats on her boyfriend whom she doesn't live with.

You should also inform the OM's wife. That will probably end the affair on his end.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Isobel's Dad said:


> Two weeks ago my girlfriend went away on a course (hundreds of miles away) for five days. *When she got back we carried on where we'd left off. We talked about her moving back in and how great it would be if she was pregnant, but she got her period.*
> 
> However something about her week away didn't sit right with me. She hadn't been returning my calls or texts and I got a little suspicious. Logged into her facebook account and there were messages there from a this married man she'd met on the course. They'd had unprotected sex (while we were talking about having another baby) and had kept in touch with phone calls and emails when she got back. In her messages she told him that she suspected as soon as she met him that they would "get it on", which hardly indicates that she was committed to me.
> 
> It's clear to me that she immediately fell for the guy, and by keeping in touch was leaving the door open for a repeat. He also seemed very keen, and was full of compliments.



This talk about getting pregnant is a cover for her unprotected sex with a married man in case she got pregnant.

I suggest you get a paternity test for your 14 month old daughter. She could have dated during the 10-month break. And given she moved out after the baby was born and her behavior afterwards, the child may not be yours and she felt guilty.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Good thing you're not married. Makes going your separate ways that much easier if that's your decision.

Met 12 years ago, strung her along for 8 before your ONS, and the start of the breakdown began. Now it a mess.


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## Isobel's Dad (Oct 7, 2011)

aug said:


> Met 12 years ago, strung her along for 8 before your ONS, and the start of the breakdown began. Now it a mess.


That probably sums it up. I'm blaming myself for all this at the moment, for not showing the commitment she wanted, and for hurting her 4 years ago. Although of course life's more complicated than that.

She claims that he'd had a vasectomy (already has a family with his wife) so there was no risk of pregnancy. Of course I've no way of verifying that. Unless I contact his wife.

It's interesting and useful to gain other perspectives, so thanks for the comments.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Isobel's Dad said:


> She claims that he'd had a vasectomy (already has a family with his wife) so there was no risk of pregnancy. Of course I've no way of verifying that.


yes you do, call his wife- tell her today


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You obviously believe that what she did is forgivable because you are still with her after doing the same to her four years ago. You apparently felt you deserved forgiveness. You stayed and even made a child with her after your offense. You don't have to live with any insecurity that she hasn't had to live with.
> Adultary (cause y'all are essentially married, if not legally), is hugely devestating to relationships and not much hurts worse. Let this hurt sink in deep and savor every second of it. Knowing how badly it hurts to be on the receiving end might make it more difficult for you to hurt your partner in the future. I believe if I were you I would not only forgive my partner but apologize again for my offense of four years ago. Only now do you really understand the hurt you caused her.


This is a really excellent post. :iagree:

If you guys want to make it work, go to counselling, get tested for STDs and she must end all contact with him completely and forever.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Isobel's Dad said:


> Although it only happened once, it's the ultimate betrayal in my mind, but it doesn't stop me loving her. It's certainly affected my health, both mental and physically.


It only happened once because you caught her. Had you not looked around, this would have been an on-going thing. Therefore, I suspect that she's sorry that she got caught.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Actually, it may have only happened once, just like the one time he cheated on her too. Without proof of either thing, no one can know for sure.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You must contact the OMW. This is the very first step you must take to make sure to end the A. And, the next step is hard. You have to see if this relationship is salvageable or not. Your wrongs are your ONS and the lack of commitment to marry her. Her wrong is this A. But, also I sense that she either is not so much "into" you or doesn't trust you. 

The fact she has a baby with you, yet refuse to stay with you speaks volume to me.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

step back from all the other sh*t, and get a paternity test now. make no decisions, think nothing and do nothing... 

dont think of any consequences, or "what if" this or "what if" that.... Go. Now. Get it done. They sell test kits at Walmart and other drug store I believe... 

Dont give yourself time to talk yourself out of this, because you will. Get your car keys and go. Once that is answered, then you can start deciding how and what you want to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If it is your goal to be the enemy of the mother of your child, then contact the OM's wife. You aren't occupying any moral high ground. Your chief complaint is that she has not behaved in a way that shows deep commitment to you. She begged you for commitment for years and you declined. I wouldn't want my wife to stay with me only because I closed off all avenues of escape but because she chooses to be with me. When you had your ONS, you could have gotten the woman pregnant or brought home an STD. As stated, you set the morality and commitment bar pretty low. You can hardly complain after the very seeds you planted bear their expected fruit. There are no good guys or bad guys in this story. There are two flawed people and they can either agree to trash their relationship or extend forgiveness and work together to improve the future.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If it is your goal to be the enemy of the mother of your child, then contact the OM's wife. You aren't occupying any moral high ground.


While I agree with you on the 2 flawed people comment, and I whole heartedly agree that this poster is simply reaping the whirlwird he created. I have to question the above statement and the "warning" or consequences he might suffer for doing what is right. 

I don't care what this person's motivation for telling the OMW the truth is. If he thinks he's punishing the GF, preventing continued contact between the GF & OM or thinks this is a measure to try and save a realtionship. None of that matters, so he can dress it up however he wants... 

I believe the action is right. It's right for the wife of this married man. Anyone unfortuneate enough to have lived through the hell of infidelity knows that. She has a right to know.

If the consequence is making an enemy of his GF, then thats a small price to pay to have been the only person in this situation to finally be doing something right.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I don't care what this person's motivation for telling the OMW the truth is. If he thinks he's punishing the GF, preventing continued contact between the GF & OM or thinks this is a measure to try and save a realtionship. None of that matters, so he can dress it up however he wants...
> 
> I believe the action is right. It's right for the wife of this married man. Anyone unfortuneate enough to have lived through the hell of infidelity knows that. She has a right to know.
> 
> If the consequence is making an enemy of his GF, then thats a small price to pay to have been the only person in this situation to finally doing something right.



well said


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