# Strong Woman Who is Unsure of Choice



## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

I'm almost to year 20. We have 3 kids (18, 10, 9) and he is a good father. 

After being sent to financial ruin through choices that H made when he was in control of the marriage and I followed. He told me that if I wanted to finish my degree or work - I would have to pay for daycare, costs of work and find a way to pay for school. I found a job that would pay for my degree if I got A's. Graduated with 4.0. Steadily worked hard and poured myself into building a successful career. I am now EXTREMELY well paid. I pay all the bills in the house, and save money - though since he had run us into ruin - bankruptcy 3 years ago was the only option, and I have short sale on record. We are still renting, I take care of all household cleaning/cooking/most of family coordination, though recently (within the last week) he has been making some attempts. 

We have grown apart and have been for many years. We have little in common than history and a handful of good memories. He had an long affair (almost a year), but he says he knows that he wants our family to stay together and broke things off. We tried counseling - stopped - took too much time he said. Tried one of those Weekend to Remember Counseling Weekends - just left me with more questions than anything. I just can't seem to get back to the emotional connection we had. 

He is one of those people that "works for himself". He has 2 rental properties, and he finished building a house for someone middle of last year. He is in charge of his own bills, and I have no idea how much he does or doesn't owe - last I heard him state he had thousands of $$ of debt, but that he was able to pay his own bills. His "work" has no actual schedule, only vague ideas of where he is or what he has been doing - which only adds to distrust issues - though I do take his word that he will not cheat again - while we are married. 

He also feels that I owe him and I must allow him to quit all of his work, help pay his bills - and allow him to go to school full time - oh but that doesn't mean he would have enough time to help around the house. 

Is is too much to ask that he be a partner financial partner and contribute more to the household - and do more to help around the house? Am I crazy to feel that he is using me? 

I have been trying to get the sparks back (we had to have had something years ago) - or at least the feelings of happiness when he is around - just seems lately - I would rather him be gone and leave me alone. As such, SEX is an issue. I said that if he is willing to "prime" me up - I'll give him it - but I have no desire to start anything. He says he is only able to have it if he knows I want it, but doesn't want me to fake it. Needless to say - that is a cyclical issue. Even when we go on dates - things are so strained - we keep finding that we don't have much in common. 

Considering the kids, I know they would be devastated if we split, but I'm so unhappy lately. I think he is jealous of the success I have found for myself, but... at the time - I was forced to find it myself or accept the miserable life he was giving me. 

I keep asking him to go to counseling or at least find a pastor or group to go to - but... he thinks we can resolve things. I think he knows that I will figure it out and he will lose his meal ticket and his "happy" home. I just can't see how he thinks we will resolve these issues on our own and with him not really making any changes. He is a good-looking guy and could have most anyone he wants, but looks are good for lust but for long lasting love - you must have a deep emotional/mental connection. Right?

Any advice is appreciated! I'm just so mixed up.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

yogapants said:


> He told me that *if I wanted to finish my degree or work - I would have to pay for daycare, costs of work and find a way to pay for school.*
> 
> He also feels that I owe him and *I must allow him to quit all of his work, help pay his bills - and allow him to go to school full time - oh but that doesn't mean he would have enough time to help around the house*.


What makes him feel like he is excused from the same rules he placed on you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> What makes him feel like he is excused from the same rules he placed on you?


:iagree: That is my question as well. 


I don't get why he thinks she owes him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see why you feel there is no connection.. because there is none.

Is there any way you can find out what he is really making now and what his debts are? I'm not sure where you two live, but you are most likely 50% responsible for any debt he has.



yogapants said:


> Is is too much to ask that he be a partner financial partner and contribute more to the household - and do more to help around the house? Am I crazy to feel that he is using me? .


You should not expect anything less.

How much time a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you?


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## yogapants (Jan 16, 2012)

I guess it is because of the kids and that he says he loves me and wants to make this work - and occasionally in the past - his actions will change for the better - then he went back to all the old things. 

We have tried going on dates a few times. Typically the conversation is strained and it is eating. I want to go do phyical activities on a date with him - go dancing, go hiking, learn a sport, even just go on walks. I told him that given my disconnected feeling, I need to find those connections - between type of movie preference, Food preference, etc - we are just different in so many ways. 

An example of his solution to us going on a date to help us connect - He announced that he bought tickets to a local 80's music band in town... should be fun at least - then I find out that his friends are also going. (Did I mention that the few "friends" he likes to socialize with are mostly women or are a co-ed bunch) His thought was that his friends will help us relax. Last weekend when I didn't want to go to a similar night out - he suggested that it should be fine for him to go hang with his friends at this bar without me - instead of taking me up on my offer for us to go alone somewhere and go do something. 

I know... it seems that there are tons of reasons why I should already be gone... I see them so clearly. So what is keeping me here - 1- 3 great kids that I'm not sure how they would handle divorce & 2- If connection is the issue and there have been couples that have had arranged marriages, lost the connection and found it, etc... is there hope? I'm a hopeless romatic sometimes. I know. 

He really was my first real boyfriend. I don't know much about dating. I guess I'm scared of what is on the otherside. You hear all these nightmare stories of dates gone wrong and how miserable some people are - and I wonder - am I asking too much?


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

You are not asking too much! He doesn't even want to go on a date with his wife? There is hope for something better for a strong woman and her kids.

I agree that you do need to find out how bad his financial situation is, because you will most likely be responsible for half of his debt even if you had nothing to do with it.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your husband and your situation sounds a bit like me and my past situation, so I can relate to what you are saying. My wife left after I had a bad streak with the business. I helped build her career and when she started to go on a roll and things started to go her way, I had my bad run and everything fell apart. She probably figured, "why do I even need this guy?" ha ha. 

I am a great father, the wife knows it, and consider myself fairly good looking too. I don't think it would be difficult for me to "score" another woman. I've had offers. But guess what? I don't want to date anyone else. I'm separated but trying to work on myself with the hope of eventually getting back my wife. I asked her out to a dinner date two weeks ago and she agreed. It was strained just like yours and didn't feel anywhere close to the way we used to be. We have been separated for 13 months now and her interests are changing it seems. I'm probably not the exciting guy to her as I used to be. So my solution to all of this is to keep on working on myself and hopefully that translates to her finding me "attractive" once more and by that I mean not just physically attractive.

So going back to your situation, I'll tell you straight up that you have every right to leave your husband if he isn't holding up his own. My wife helped pay the bills when I was down, and I expected her too especially since I supported the entire family for ten years. However, five years straight of her contributing more than me,and I don't blame her now for wanting out. I was insulted when she said she wanted out and insulted her for not being a team player, for being inconsiderate that I helped her career, but in the end a person can only take so much.

Now for your kids, he is a good father and he will continue to be a good father if you were to leave him. I never stopped loving my kids. On the contrary I am even closer to them now than when my wife and I were together because when its my turn to take care of them, I really make an effort. You kids are also much older than mine so they will definitely understand.

Lastly, about getting back the flame and emotional connection your husband and you once had, in my opinion the onus is on him to get you back. You are feeling this way for a reason. He needs to understand it but unfortunately he doesn't get it yet. It took me over a year to figure this out. But here's the thing, he may never get it. 

I wouldn't be scared about the dating world out there should you choose to leave. You sound like an attractive woman who knows what she wants. Men like women who are confident, at least I do.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I think as you said there's so many things to improve himself
that he never finished.Over the years do you feel like your husband has never grown up.

When you needed help he didn't want to.If you where my wife
making great money i would trying to help more at home so
at least you would feel appreciated.

Did he ever apologize for causing the financial ruin?
Does he ever say hes sorry for any mistakes?
From what you say do you fully trust him?


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't think it would be difficult for me to "score" another woman. I've had offers. But guess what? I don't want to date anyone else. I'm separated but trying to work on myself with the hope of eventually getting back my wife. I asked her out to a dinner date two weeks ago and she agreed. It was strained just like yours and didn't feel anywhere close to the way we used to be. We have been separated for 13 months now and her interests are changing it seems. I'm probably not the exciting guy to her as I used to be. So my solution to all of this is to keep on working on myself and hopefully that translates to her finding me "attractive" once more and by that I mean not just physically attractive.

Working on yourself is a good thing, just make sure you are doing it for you and not for her. I was separated from my husband for a year, there was no affair on either side, but he is so bad a communication I am still not sure what happened. I did everything to make myself look more attractive physically and by showing that I was moving on with my life(they don't like that overly much I found out, but it makes you look more appealing for some stupid reason.) When I told him that I would sign divorce papers and then did not speak to him for 2 months changed my number and started moving on.. figured I had to since he was determined to have a divorce, I called him for a bill we had in common and he freaked out.. wanted to see me.. could not live without me.. fast forward to now I have so much resentment build up against him, I don't trust him to be there for me when I need him since he bailed before, not sure that I am in love with him like I was before the separation, and things have gone back to the same way they were before the separation, with me feeling unattractive and unimportant. Not being together changes the whole dynamic of your marriage, and even though reconciliation sounds like a good idea in theory, I have found from personal experience in reality it is as complicated as being separated. I hope that if you can get your wife back you do not have any of the feelings or issues that I am currently facing, but one thing I wanted to say was.. be happy with who you are and make yourself attractive because it makes YOU happy.. okay I have ranted enough.. lol..


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I've seen this story play out over and over again with the same results.

A husband/father supports the family for decades then he hits a rough patch in his life, wife gets a job better then the husbands and all of a sudden the same husband that supported her for decades becomes such a bad one.

Do your husband a favor and divorce him. He deserves a good wife he can trust with his life, not with his job or financial well being. Also since you're so awesome with your new "extremely well paying" job, pay him alimony. That should slowly even out what he paid to you.


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