# I cheated



## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

Hello!! I know Im asking for critisism, but I need to vent. I have been married 22 years to a man who loves me uncondionally, although he tends to be a little controlling at times. He is eleven years older than me so we are at different places in our lives. Two weeks ago I ended an affair that I was having with a guy from work. I felt so torn, confused and guilty that I told my husband about it. I dont think my H has accepted this because he has been to kind and understanding. I dont deserve him. The worse part is that I have had other affairs, real time and online, he thinks this is my second time to stray. We have a 17 year old son so its not like we are staying together for him. 

When I told my husband about the affair two weeks ago I told him that I wanted out and that I felt terrible and could not live this lie any longer. My H is a spiritual man and Im thinking that has something to do with him wanting to work through this. He bought a selp-help type book, "Love Dare" to help us. I know I need counseling for unresolved childhood issues and now after doing some research I feel that I have some sort of Love addiction. 

My world is spinning out of control and I feel that Im losing it. I have become very depressed and see myself as somewhat narcissist. I truely hate myself for hurting my H this way. I deserve no mercy or forgivness, yet he offers it. I know that no one will ever again love and care for me like he does. I feel that Ive taken away his dignity. I dont see it possible to repair our broken marriage, yet I wish we could. Years ago we grew apart. Its not like we argue and fight all the time. Together we made many of our dreams come true, but now what do we have? I cant imagine life without him, but I should have thought of that 8 years ago when I strayed. If I thought it would be worth a chance I would try marriage counseling, and he would be happy to do. Im desperate and need opinions and advice. Thanks, falln


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## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

I guess I'm just curious. What do you think your life is going to be on the other side, if you do decide to leave him and divorce? 

Do you feel he would really want to go to counselling and work on things, or is just his spiritual side that would make him want to work it out?

What would he say if he knew about all of your extramarital activities?

I'm sure you've thought of all of these things. I guess I just don't understand, based on what you've said, why exactly it is you wouldn't want to work on things.....

I guess the only advice I can offer is that this site has given me a lot of help and a lot of things to work on....and it has made it crystal clear what I do and do not want out of life. I hope it's able to help you out as well! Good luck!!!


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

I think that single life would be a challenge and somewhat exciting in the beginning, but I feel it would get old quickly, and I would feel very lonely. The worries of everyday life that I share with my H would become mine alone. No one would be there for me after a long days work. Walking into an empty house would be sad. I love to cuddle and would miss that. Having someone to care for and them care for you is often taken for granted such as in my case. Let me say that I married at age 22 and I had never lived on my own. I went straight from my parents home to H. I would never have anyone to depend on like him again and I know that. Im very confused about my behavior, and how I have turned to others to fill a void.

My H already told me that we should go to counseling and I dont think thats because of his spirituality. For some reason he loves me. I would love to work things out, to re-connect and find the joy that we once shared, but honestly Im not sure if I can ever forgive myself, and from everything I have read the odds are high that he would always feel hurt and maybe resentment. I dont know what to do. I just know that I need to be there for him in everyway. I need to get help and find out what leads me to do this and how or if it can be fixed. I also use to be spiritual and worked with young people in my church. This was never supposed to have happened to me. This is h*ll on earth. Thanks for replying to my post. falln


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

so you only want to stay married because you fear living alone...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your done, move on


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

I fear lots of things, but Im confident that I could live alone if needed. Momentary, if my H knew of the other men I met for drinks and talk, he would feel even more devistated, but probably not surprised at this point. Moving on may be the best bet, although I must admit a certain part of me still wants to fix this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You haven't been fair to your husband in your dribbling out of the truth of your affair.

He is basing his decisions on the idea that you only had ONE affair.

You need to be honest with him about the number and length of your affairs PLURAL.

Stay or go, allow him the privilege you already have of knowing the kind of broken marriage he and you have.


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## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

you said: but honestly Im not sure if I can ever forgive myself, and from everything I have read the odds are high that he would always feel hurt and maybe resentment. 

THIS is what scares me the most.....I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself even though everyone, including my husband says I need to. AND I'm afraid that what happened will fester in his mind forever~~THIS is why we went to counselling. It gives us a safe place to talk, and another perspective on how to look at things. The bottom line is that we both want it to work and won't accept anything less....


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

I have thought a lot about everything thats been said here. The truth hurts but it will stand when all else fails. I think I do hate myself. I really dont know how to love me but I will try and figure it out. I have been reading about the inner child and I think I may need to start there. 

After work last night my H and I talked and shared some feelings. I told him about the men I had talked to in real time and online, he said he figured that much, but was glad that I admitted it. Mich, he knows about the other affair I had before, which was 3 years ago. Looking back I see that we never really worked through that. I just recall him feeling hurt, and he told me he was going to change things and we would move forward. I saw a change in him that lasted maybe 3 days, but then I feel he pushed it back into his subconscious mind and we went on like nothing ever happened. The result of us dealing with the problem as we did led to problems down the road, he gradually started bringing the guy up a lot, just out of the blue he would mention something about him. I feel that he never allowed himself to truely accept it and heal- it started coming out slowly over time. This became very frustrating to me and we started disconnecting again. BTW H loves me but I forgot to mention that he isnt perfect. He says he wants to work through this. Is it even possible? Where do we begin? He has been talking a lot about my relationship w/G_d and how I need Him to help change me. My H is right, but this has to be something from my heart and I cannot do it to please him. I told H this and he said it was not expected in order for us to try to work this out, although I already see that he has hope. We have started the, "Love Dare" and its encouraging. I am physically ill because of everything I have put us through. I must be coming across as a very selfish, uncaring person, thats not completely true but I have been selfish and very bad. I want to change. Any thoughts from others is appreciated. falln


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It is clear you want to change. This is HIGHLY admirable and also a sign you DO love your dh and want him to have a better wife experience in you. 

ou are seeking men out as a way feel wanted and good about yourself as you have yet, in life, to find yourself worthy and lovable - for whatever reason. I don't think you find yourself worthy of your dh's love. Therefore you _subconsciously_ keep sabotaging your relationship in order to "prove" to yourself your (wrong) perception of yourself is correct. 

The FACT of the matter is: your perception of yourself is WRONG. You truly ARE lovable and worthy. The REASON you have this WRONG perception is that your cognitive "signals" are skewed (misaligned) due to childhood trauma. You came into your marriage with this cognition error baggage, and you have done things (affairs) to perpetuate the baggage.

I would offer dh the option of being away from you while you work on yourself via Cognitive Therapy. 

You MUST, however, make a compact with YOURSELF to stay away from men as it will delay ridding yourself of the baggage; affairs perpetuate a negative image of yourself. Once you understand your baggage, you can work on fixing it, and understand HOW and WHY you husband can love you. It is BECAUSE you ARE a lovable person. 

You must be _very_ loveable - or else he would not have stuck with you, dear. 

The KEY to your marriage is YOU understanding WHY you are lovable, WHY other men want you, WHY your DH apparently views you as irreplaceable. You need to BELIEVE you are a wonderful, worthy, and lovable woman, worthy of a GOOD man's love. 

Please find a really *GOOD *cognitive therapist. You sound very intelligent and open, it may take you very little time to get rid of the baggage with a good therapist.


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

Sandy, Thank you so much for the concern. I am taking a break from a long stressful morning at work. My heart feels heavy and tears are swelling in my eyes because you have given me hope. I have had so many negative, discouraging thoughts the past few weeks, maybe H and I can work through this...its possible I think. I think that there has been time that I tried to sabotage my relationship, somewhat unconsciously. My H told me once that I was trying to make him hate me....now I get it even if I dont quite understand it. 

BTW you are very kind but Im not wonderful and I must take responsibility for my behavior. Wonderful loving people do not cheat on their spouses. I feel that at one time I was a good person who was devoted to my marriage and somehow got side tracked. 

I do have a lot of baggage. I moved from a chaotic environment into a loving home and the funny think is 6 months later I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I didn't adapt well to a warm stable environment strange to say. Maybe I am a person who functions better in stress, thats sad. Do you mind if I ask why you feel I should be apart from H while working through therapy? Just curious, but this might and probably would make him very insecure. I can honestly see that I need time alone. I need help. I know it probably depends on my progress but how long could you see a couple being apart? Thanks again and you have given me hope. falln


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have been married 20 years. I truly love my wife. She hasn't cheated but if she did I would forgive her. I just would. Twenty years of good hugely outweighs a bad mistake. Even a few bad mistakes. 

About 5 years ago my wife was falling out of love with me. My solution - to scream at her on a routine basis for making it so obvious she was not attracted to me. Don't get me wrong, she never starved me of sex. When I asked she said yes. But it was very obvious that she had no desire. Still, because she is so committed she did all the things to make it fun for ME, but it hurt a lot to know that she didn't have desire for me. After a few years of this, I recognized why she was falling out of love with me, and I CHANGED. There is nothing that feels better than having your wife fall back in love with you. 

So forgive yourself. And accept that he really does understand what has been happening and even if sad about it, he is still super committed to you. Why walk away from such a strong, committed man? But you also have to be fair to him. If he needs to do some things to make YOU feel more loved - tell him. That is not the same as blaming him, not by a long shot. But it is not fair to HIM, to not tell him what you want/need.


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

MEM, Im happy for you and wife, and its nice to know that you really can fall back into love again. I think its going to take time and patience for my husband and I to find each other again.

Thanks


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I only suggested that in case HE needed a break to get some breathing room, because living with you is likely hard on him, it isn't entirely your fault, but I'd just tell him you understand that maybe you need to give him breathing room. He will likely decline, though, and that is fine, let him, and stay. I think it good for YOU to stay, but I only suggested you let him have space if he needs it.

I know about the panic attacks. I did the same when we got married, he is very stable (has some serious faults, too, but stable) and since I came from serious chaos I had problems being stable and in an non-chaotic environment.

I would also do many things to push DH away. I still do, but much less so. It was out of insecurity I think. Sounds weird, I know.....

I know where you are coming from, believe me, I do. 

None of us are perfect, neither are DH's, but if you have a DH who is willing to work with you and understand you, you have a keeper, I think. 

You just have to make a conscious decision to never cheat on him again. A promise to YOU not to HIM: you hurt *yourself* more with an affair than you do your spouse if you are *any* good sort of "human" at all.

I don't think all people who cheat are bad...I think a good number are just lost as they were not given the tools to cope with the cards they were dealt. Now, you take someone who has all the cards, then they toss the cards, and cheat anyway...well, that isn't a very good person. It isn't an excuse, but it is a reason.


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

I may not feel the mad passionate love for my husband, but he is genuine and true and I dont want to lose him. Two days ago while talkingto my DH, I ask if he had told anyone at church. He said that he confided in a woman, (whose name he doesnt even know) who is divorced with three children. DH knew her ex husbands name, maybe because he played instruments in the church choir. I just find this a little strange. I know he needs someone to talk to and he knows that Im very private about sharing personal information with family, church people or whoever. I am understanding of his need to vent. Im not sure that I would agree to him sharing what I did with anyone to tell you the truth. This is unfair of me and I know that, he should talk to whomever he needs to get through this and I have not right to question it. 

I admit that I was feeling a little insecure about who DH confided in, although I said nothing about it. Yesterday I set up a romantic day before going to work. He seemed to enjoy what I/we did, although he isnt much for romance. This is one area we are very different in. Im a romantic freak and he is blah. Let me say that I not only did the romantic things because of my insecurity, but I like and wanted it anyway. 

Im trying to work through this with patience and understanding. I worked all night and the ex lover works at the same place. DH ask me today if I had saw him, talked to him or text to him. I told him I saw him for a moment as we passed by each other in the cafeteria, we said hi and went on. NO contact with me and the ex, of course my DH is trying to work through this and I must do whatever is needed to build back trust and security.

I have this wierd thing about me and its to always expect the worse in people so I never get hurt. If someone upsets me or is unfair to me I just pull away and give it very little thought. I sorta got in my head when DH told me he confided in the divorced female and Im thinking okay now its my turn to be on the otherside maybe. The sad thing is that my nature is to pull away even more, and I could easily have the attitude that there is no need to even try and repair us. I know this is not the way to be, but its just how I feel. I realize that I over rationlize things at times so Im still working hard to help our marriage. I would deeply appreciate your thoughts or suggestions here. What do I do now? I feel that Im hanging here. DH says that this is call in the hands of G_d now.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So he spoke to another woman who's husband bailed on her. And you're thinking of bailing out on your husband. Sounds like you have two possible scenarios regarding issues in your marriage. One. Give it up to another guy. Two. leave your husband because he spoke to another woman. So naturally she will be giving it up to him. You have a very limited repetoir. Cheat or leave. Do you see anything wrong with these options?


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

Thanks for your thoughts duration. I cant nor do I wish to cheat. Leaving and starting my one life and giving DH his may be the best options. We are opposite in everything anyway so might be for the best for both of us.


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## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

BTW in the case of the divorce female, she bailed on her husband.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well b4 you pack your bag. Why don't you come up with a quick list of the things you like and the things he likes. You say you are so different. Indulge me. I'll start first. Been married 30 years. I drank, smoked (everything), took drugs. Divorced parents who messed around. She came from a straight family, no drugs, no drinking (unless I got her sozzled). She loves being with people, I am a loner. I could have sex twice a day (at least). She is happy with once or twice a week. Hmmmmm, did I leave anything out. Oh yeah. We love each other.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I have been in your H's shoes. I loved my husband unconditionally and would have done or given him anything. I use this in past tense because what he did, killed a part of me and now I still love him but its conditional. Perhaps that is temporary, I hope so. 

He did not deserve my forgiveness or a second chance. I gave it. Its not easy and I hurt every day. But what you describe is what he says he feels. I'm not going to blast you, you are doing that to yourself. It may be why you cheated. You are looking for something ... and that something is within you. You didn't get it from your H or the other men. Only YOU can find it. You can have other affairs but it will not resolve it, you have some work to do. 

My H strayed because he wanted to escape He has a personality that avoids. We have been together 24 years, h.s. sweethearts and life has been amazingly easy for most of that. Well life got harder with the arrival of our second child. I took up the slack in many many ways. We didn't drift apart, we got busy and focused on our kids. I thought we were happy. He told me he was happy. He was not, he was depressed but didn't wish to deal with it. Call it midlife crisis, maybe it was who knows but work, kids, money, bills, all were too much pressure despite the fact that I carried the lion's share. 

He stayed to escape. We all need to escape but that wasn't the way. A healthier outlet would have been better. Your husband's faith gives him that. You need to find your own peace, and peace with yourself. Forgive yourself and become a better person. You will be happier and he deserves that. 

As for your marriage, it takes nuturing and care to grow. You have neglected it. Its not too late. Change your life, change your attitude. Do thoughtful small gestures for your H to show him you care. Be open and honest totally transparent if he has questions. Then plan something fun, a surprise for him. Date your husband, have fun again. Life is too short to live it this way.


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