# How well does your spouse communicate sexually?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I have historically gotten frustrated in my own marriage because when it comes to communicating with my wife about what things she needs it is like talking to a wall. Only in the past year have we started making progress in that area of communication. I often used to accuse her of being sexually oblivious to herself and that it was not fair to make me work hard to discover what she likes through a pain staking process of trial and error. 

So after reading a book on sexuality, research indicated that more often than not that women have a harder time discovering their sexuality. For the most part it just remains less noticeable compared to their male counterpart that is forced to be aware of erections that occur at all times of the day. This tends to help men to directly associate what things are arousing, while women may go through life not always readily aware of the things that their bodies are responding to. (as suggested in the book _Come As You Are_)

HOWEVER, as everyone on TAM struggles to help each other, it seems painfully obvious that many wives struggle because husbands are completely out of touch with their own feelings or simply ignore dealing with them. Since dealing with all our feelings is at the heart of our sexuality it would seem that women are the ones that later become more in touch with their own sexuality compared to men that are simply unable to effectively understand and communicate about feelings. 

So I am going to include a poll for all of those at TAM, to ask how well we feel our spouses are able to effectively communicate to us about their sexuality. This could be an eye opener for those trying to help each other and ourselves. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Wife is almost completely unable to communicate about sex.


----------



## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I no longer have a spouse. But my former spouse did not want sex or talk about it. We were lucky to have sex 3 times a year and I think in 16 years never had a conversation about sex. 

My current partner, whom I have been with for 2 years, is the most open person sexually I have ever known. It is comfortable and wonderful to be able to express what is working and not even during the act of sex. 

I will never stay with a partner that is not open again.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby is TERRIBLE at communicating verbally about sex. He's gotten a bit better in the last maybe year?? but he still isn't any good at it, really. If I try to initiate a discussion involving anything sexual, he starts giggling uncontrollably and making jokes about it. It's SO irritating.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My hubby is TERRIBLE at communicating verbally about sex. He's gotten a bit better in the last maybe year?? but he still isn't any good at it, really. If I try to initiate a discussion involving anything sexual, he starts giggling uncontrollably and making jokes about it. It's SO irritating.


My H doesn't make jokes, but is also dreadful at verbal communication. He will say "I like having sex with you, what else is there to talk about?" and shut down the conversation right there. 

Talking about *feelings*....yea, right.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bkyln309 said:


> I no longer have a spouse. But my former spouse did not want sex or talk about it. We were lucky to have sex 3 times a year and I think in 16 years never had a conversation about sex.
> 
> My current partner, whom I have been with for 2 years, is the most open person sexually I have ever known. It is comfortable and wonderful to be able to express what is working and not even during the act of sex.
> 
> I will never stay with a partner that is not open again.


My experience, exactly. Except my current partner and I haven't been together quite as long as you and yours. My beau is a total perv and is completely open about it. It's one of the things I love about him!


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

My soon to be ex was unable or unwilling to talk about sex. It is one of the big factors in the end of our relationship, although not the only factor by far.


----------



## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

kag123 said:


> My H doesn't make jokes, but is also dreadful at verbal communication. He will say "I like having sex with you, what else is there to talk about?" and shut down the conversation right there.
> 
> Talking about *feelings*....yea, right.






My H does not communicate easily about anything sexual. As a nurse, I'm an open book and very vocal regarding what I like/want/need. I love to give H BJs and ask often for his feedback on my techniques so I can be sure to provide him with the most pleasure possible. Invariably, both during the BJ and any other time, his response is "I don't have any complaints, you're doing just fine." Ok, great, that's an informative answer


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think lot of this has to do with how your wife was taught to communicate her feelings to others. If your wife came from a dysfunctional f'd up family like mine did, she wouldn't ever be ready to do this and would fail in her marriage to do so. This leaves her husband ever scratching his head as to how he can make the experience better for her.


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

My wife refused to say the word "sex"! She would whisper, "do you want to do... it"? Me, "Do what?" Her, "You know... IT."

You can imagine from there the extent of the detail of our conversations around sex... And she doesn't make any sounds during sex because she doesn't want the kids to hear. 

Oh and the next morning I come up behind her, kiss her on her neck, and tell her how great she was last night, and her face would turn red (from embarrassment?) and she would shoosh me and cover my mouth. So, not only did she not communicate, she didn't want me to communicate to her either. 

Ugh.


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> My H does not communicate easily about anything sexual. As a nurse, I'm an open book and very vocal regarding what I like/want/need. I love to give H BJs and ask often for his feedback on my techniques so I can be sure to provide him with the most pleasure possible. Invariably, both during the BJ and any other time, his response is "I don't have any complaints, you're doing just fine." Ok, great, that's an informative answer


I would say that if he was not feeling fulfilled by your BJs, it's his responsibility to tell you. Having said that, if he says "you're doing just fine", I would take him at his word. However, I think it would be nice for him to offer a bit more validation and appreciation for your efforts to bring him pleasure...


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I hope you realize what is happening with your polls <g>. 

The previous poll asked about quickies, all the TAM'ers seeking to fix there marginal sex lives responded - yes quickies would be great. None of the spouses responded cause they ain't here. 

Now you've asked if the spouse can communicate about sex - overwhelmingly response - NO. 

You knew this already, the polls are not adding new info...


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

In regards to not communicating about needs, there could be a variety of reasons as to why. 
It all comes down to how the people are raised individually. 

We may not be able to communicate because the upbringing might have been strict and religious. 
We may not be able to communicate because of the fear of ridicule, rejection or being labeled as "disgusting". 
We may not be able to communicate because society only discusses the most solicitous instead of educational. 
We may not be able to communicate because we have to victims of abuse and the subject in painful to discuss. 

If spouses have a little trust in themselves and each other, they may be able to communicate in order to have happiness. 
Easier said than done though!  



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

My husband is not the best at talking about sex. If i never brought up the topic he would never say anything good or bad, but if i get him started on the topic he does answer my question and doesn't seem to be embarrassed. I think he's still in the mind set that saying anything to me about our sex life he has issues or suggestions on is being too demanding on me and there are some things he thinks you can't say to your wife. BJ's are a perfect example, he would never ask me for a bj but does throughly enjoy them, when i ask why he doesn't ask he says that he feel weird asking and almost that it would be disrespectful to me to ask. Must be because of the way he was raised....Wish he was a little more aggresive/dominate in bed but oh well...


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My wife was never comfortable talking about sex until just recently. We have been ramping up for several years and her sexuality has increased steadily, more frequency, more variation, many many more orgasms. Now, because it has gotten so amazing we talk often about what we are going to try next. (I just put a deposit on a cruise this spring, and we are taking a balcony suite. She wants to make love on the balcony while the ocean goes by, I have also started looking for a good quality fake bearskin rug so that we can do it on our deck, without splinters) We talk incessantly about our sex lives. If someone had told me that this was going to happen in my 60s I would have called them a liar. It feels like we are both teenagers again (we met when we were 19), and we do not get through the day without at least sexting one another. Ten years ago, if I started talking about our sex life, she would have put her hand over my mouth, now, it is one of our favorite topics.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*XW#1 was uncommunicative as hell about sex as she hated to talk about it, period!

And I'd have to say that my RSXW was thoroughly communicative regarding sex with me ~ and obviously with the other men that she had fastly developed sexual relationships with! *


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Taxman said:


> ...I just put a deposit on a cruise this spring, and we are taking a balcony suite. She wants to make love on the balcony while the ocean goes by...


You are killing me! I booked a cruise for my wife's birthday. We got a balcony suite because it was big enough for all of us. But most days the kids would go play at the kid lounge. We were all alone with a private balcony with steel walls on the sides of the balcony, not glass. We were on the open ocean with nobody as far as the eye could see. But no. She shut that down before I could even suggest it. But what about at night, in the dark, under the stars on the balcony (and I am not suggesting having sex against the railing, but maybe the lounge chairs or something...). Nope. She basically said, in the bed or nothing... The only concession was that the balcony door could be open for the "ocean breeze". And of course, since the door was open, she was extra quiet! 
@Taxman, enjoy your cruise...


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I checked off that my husband is unable to communicate about sex, but that isn't exactly true. He is terrible at it, and for the most part refuses to, but he's not completely unable.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> In regards to not communicating about needs, there could be a variety of reasons as to why.
> It all comes down to how the people are raised individually.
> 
> We may not be able to communicate because the upbringing might have been strict and religious.
> ...


Would you say that it makes someone less of a person if they struggle to communicate? I would argue that it is neither yes or no, but that once a person that has really struggled finally learns to open up, that their communications have the power to be much more meaningful and life changing in a very positive way. 

Easier said than done though!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm going to approach your question, a very good topic by the way, slightly differently. I had moments of putting a wall up when it came to demonstrating commitment, putting down roots, making plans. Even though he's the only man I've been with and wanted to be with. I told myself that that's just how I was.

You know that feeling when you're sitting on a chair, tilting on the back two legs and there's that moment where the balance faults and you're not sure whether you're going to fall back completely or still balance? Well a few years ago, he told me that for the longest time, that's what being with me felt like... 

The other night we were talking and he shared how he's noticed a huge shift with me over the last couple of years and asked if I was aware of it and how I did that. I thought about it and told him, as cheesy as it sounds, that I learned to trust myself more; in turn that allowed me to trust in him more and not only be more accepting of his love but to feel solid in us together. From that place, my priorities shifted in putting down roots together, making plans. 

He no longer has the feeling of being on a chair that's about to lose balance. And is enjoying that!

In the past I would have considered him somewhat closed about sex. Now I'd say we're equally open; sometimes he's a better communicator than me - with being encouraging, clear and direct. Maybe it's time we got a swivel chair to play on.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Would you say that it makes someone less of a person if they struggle to communicate? I would argue that it is neither yes or no, but that once a person that has really struggled finally learns to open up, that their communications have the power to be much more meaningful and life changing in a very positive way.
> 
> Easier said than done though!


I agree. I used to have a very hard time communicating, especially in regards to me needs or something I was unhappy with, specifically because of the way that I was raised and FOO issues. I do much better now, but it is still a struggle for me. It helps that my partner has made it clear that he won't withdraw care or affection if I voice something that he might disagree with or might be critical of him. He has made it clear that my willingness to communicate and discuss difficult topics is very important to him, and our ability to communicate with one another in a constructive, cooperative, productive way is the most important thing about our relationship, and he doesn't want us to keep anything from one another. This has made it much easier for me.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have a long list of beautiful romantic places where we had complete privacy but have not had sex. A grass hut on a tropical island, a millennia old palace, a hotel room a thousand feet above nighttime city vistas, tents in the Arabian desert, fishing huts north of the arctic circle, cruise ships, Chalet with views of the Matterhorn, tropical jungles, and the Serengeti etc etc. 

The bedroom is pretty much it. 






wantshelp said:


> You are killing me! I booked a cruise for my wife's birthday. We got a balcony suite because it was big enough for all of us. But most days the kids would go play at the kid lounge. We were all alone with a private balcony with steel walls on the sides of the balcony, not glass. We were on the open ocean with nobody as far as the eye could see. But no. She shut that down before I could even suggest it. But what about at night, in the dark, under the stars on the balcony (and I am not suggesting having sex against the railing, but maybe the lounge chairs or something...). Nope. She basically said, in the bed or nothing... The only concession was that the balcony door could be open for the "ocean breeze". And of course, since the door was open, she was extra quiet!
> 
> @Taxman, enjoy your cruise...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm going to approach your question, a very good topic by the way, slightly differently. I had moments of putting a wall up when it came to demonstrating commitment, putting down roots, making plans. Even though he's the only man I've been with and wanted to be with. I told myself that that's just how I was.
> 
> You know that feeling when you're sitting on a chair, tilting on the back two legs and there's that moment where the balance faults and you're not sure whether you're going to fall back completely or still balance? Well a few years ago, he told me that for the longest time, that's what being with me felt like...
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. Your description of a chair about to fall out of balance hits close to home with me. Ever since being married, my wife has never been happy with _where_ we lived at any given time. We've moved a few times, and the house we are in now has been on the market a few times already, but I'm glad we never ended up selling (we did get offers). Only in the past two years has she started to feel a stronger since of home and has started mentioning that she now feels happy with where we are and our home for raising the kids. Finally I too am enjoying the feeling of balance and allowing myself to feel at home in my own home. This has allowed us to begin remodeling a few things in our home that while likely depreciate the value, make life so much better for us (e.g. rip out the jacuzzi in favor of a much bigger shower, and rip out closets in favor of french doors that help connect rooms, and build tall storage shelves all over the garage to help declutter the house).

At the same time I find my wife being more trusting in our marriage in a sense that our fights tend to be much less defensive and more of an acknowledgment that we need to work together to solve problems. 

I do not know if my wife now trusts herself more as you mention, but I have worked hard at "making her feel loved" and doing that in the ways that she communicated to me that she needed. While I am not sure, I think that is what has mostly helped both of us tear down some walls and open up better to each other.

Badsanta


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

My wife is not a bit bashful, and quite brazen, and doesn't beat around the bush about sex, and what she wants.
As a matter of fact, if she wants me to beat around the bush, she'll tell me to get 'er done! 

Words or actions....she's right to the point, and to her desires.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my wife was practically incapable of talking about her sexuality when we first got married.

nowadays, its easy for her to talk about it.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree. I used to have a very hard time communicating, especially in regards to me needs or something I was unhappy with, specifically because of the way that I was raised and FOO issues. I do much better now, but it is still a struggle for me. *It helps that my partner has made it clear that he won't withdraw care or affection if I voice something that he might disagree with or might be critical of him. He has made it clear that my willingness to communicate and discuss difficult topics is very important to him, and our ability to communicate with one another in a constructive, cooperative, productive way is the most important thing about our relationship, and he doesn't want us to keep anything from one another. This has made it much easier for me.*


*Be thankful for that! *

My wife and I have friends that are our same age and it is so bizarre to watch the dynamics of their marriage. Here is an example, she goes and does something normal that most people and got a small tattoo, but knows it is something that her husband has issues with and simply neglects to tell him about it. A week later I stop by and casually mentioned the tattoo and her husband freaks out! He refused to speak to her for days, and I later found out that he was hurt because everyone knew about her tattoo, but no one told him and he was the last one to find out. ...so she is now angry at him for not talking to her and is actively refusing any sex in the marriage, and joyfully so as her way to punish him. She also accuses him of not listening, and that she claims to have mentioned to him what she had done. But when I apologized a week later for letting the cat out of the bag, she was like, "I know, I was just waiting for the right moment to talk to him, but it had not happened yet" so she KNEW that he did not know about her tattoo a week after the fact. 

I just look at that situation, and there are so many things wrong with it, that I do not even know where to start! When visiting, I usually just sit there speechless and watch the two of them bicker in the most bizarre and passive aggressive ways you can imagine. Occasionally I may playfully add fuel to the fire just to see what happens, like mentioning how awesome my great grandfather's WWII tattoo was (pause for a minute), and then mention that as his skin got old that it turned into a blue blob and looked like he had a huge bruise on his shoulder. 

>

Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@badsanta I am very, very thankful for it. He doesn't seem to realize how exceptional he is 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

J talks a ton DURING. Everything from instructions - slower, faster, get on top, do this, do that - to affirmations - that's good, oh wow, pleasurable sounds - to questions - do you like that, do you want me to.....it's pretty much the ONLY way he communicates everything, good, bad and openly. Any other situation, no way. 

But NOT during sexy time? Unless he's horny, we don't talk about sex. I sometimes say things just for shock value just to see how he'll react. Most of the time I get ignored or he just shakes his head.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> But NOT during sexy time? Unless he's horny, we don't talk about sex. I sometimes say things just for shock value just to see how he'll react. Most of the time I get ignored or he just shakes his head.


Huh..... We start talking about sex sometimes, out of the blue, and then become horny. Then, we really start talking about sex!
>


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

badsanta said:


> At the same time I find my wife being more trusting in our marriage in a sense that our fights tend to be much less defensive and more of an acknowledgment that we need to work together to solve problems.
> 
> I do not know if my wife now trusts herself more as you mention, but I have worked hard at "making her feel loved" and doing that in the ways that she communicated to me that she needed. While I am not sure, I think that is what has mostly helped both of us tear down some walls and open up better to each other.


I still have moments of becoming defensive but now I'm more likely to tell him 'I'm feeling defensive..' which sounds simple but it's vastly different to how I once dealt with things. It gives us both an opportunity to adjust our approach. 

While I wrote before that I'd told him that I learned to trust more in myself, there are a bunch of experiences within our daily lives that helped with this. It's in the way we approach our dynamic together. There have been significant shifts in his behavior and actions too. My change in work has also played a part in my growth and learning, along with typical life scenarios. And it's continual..! There's constant moving parts with various people and experiences. 

It does seem, to me at least, he is more open with me sexually... but more than that, we're more open, honest and effective (with a dose of humor for good measure) that strengthens the connection between us. I think we might be growing up or something.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

"Oral" communication is excellent. We can also use words.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> "Oral" communication is excellent. We can also use words.


The right aural, can lead to oral!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is on the quiet side.... I am more OPEN and initially enthusiastic wanting to share some sex talk.... what I want, what I fantasize about...I put it all out there... his expressing is more WITH TOUCH... 

I have complained on occasion he is too quiet in bed.. I have bought board games, this being one of them...










...to open up the Dialog with the cards used.. Oh he's good if I ask a question, or want to discuss anything about sex (that's a great subject.. it's FUN, it's loaded with pleasure).... never one to avoid, thankfully because I Think that would drive me crazy-- I wouldn't have the patience.

Yet he's not one to ask much or seek to try new things...even in our past, when he had the higher drive... I guess it's a good thing I had an awakening here!!..... so long as one partner is taking the lead ... and the other is willing to go for the ride.. it works.. 

I'd describe our dynamic more this way...


----------



## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I have a long list of beautiful romantic places where we had complete privacy but have not had sex. A grass hut on a tropical island, a millennia old palace, a hotel room a thousand feet above nighttime city vistas, tents in the Arabian desert, fishing huts north of the arctic circle, cruise ships, Chalet with views of the Matterhorn, tropical jungles, and the Serengeti etc etc.
> 
> The bedroom is pretty much it.


Been to some of those places, minus a women...sigh!

I semi-enjoyed the days and nights, just the two of us. Me and my lusty imagination. And me in BDU's.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Taxman said:


> My wife was never comfortable talking about sex until just recently. We have been ramping up for several years and her sexuality has increased steadily, more frequency, more variation, many many more orgasms. Now, because it has gotten so amazing we talk often about what we are going to try next. (I just put a deposit on a cruise this spring, and we are taking a balcony suite. She wants to make love on the balcony while the ocean goes by, I have also started looking for a good quality fake bearskin rug so that we can do it on our deck, without splinters) We talk incessantly about our sex lives. If someone had told me that this was going to happen in my 60s I would have called them a liar. It feels like we are both teenagers again (we met when we were 19), and we do not get through the day without at least sexting one another. Ten years ago, if I started talking about our sex life, she would have put her hand over my mouth, now, it is one of our favorite topics.


That's amazing. Did you go through therapy together and/or separately? Marriage counseling? Do you feel hormonal changes made a difference? Or do you attribute her change in attitude to other factors?

Has she been at all able to talk about why she didn't used to enjoy talking about sex?


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No therapy involved, we are really sexual with one another. This was totally unexpected. We have always been good except for a bump in the road 30 years ago, however, since the kids are gone, we are really relating to one another mentally, physically and sexually. We really did not want to go down the road that several of our friends and relatives did. That road is the inability to be with one another when the nest is empty. We always made time for one another. From a sexual standpoint, I believe that her sexual appetite ramped up post-menopause. This is FUN!!! We are acting like two kids. We have played hooky from our respective businesses to spend the day with each other. I also believe that our attitude toward one another is a driving factor. I find people who have been together for a long time tend to harp on little things without addressing the real issues. If you talk, and keep talking, those major issues, are not so major.

She used to be embarrassed about her sexuality. I believe that as we have aged, things like that do not matter anymore. We have worked on being totally free with one another, once again like two kids.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I answered that my wife communicates ok but sometimes tedious. This is because most of the time she will clearly and graphically say what she wants/needs, but sometimes she only hints because she is unsure how/if she should say it. Our sex life is great, and there are few boundaries, but still I can tell when she wants something new/different and just doesn't know how to express it or fears i'll think it uncool.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

bkyln309 said:


> I no longer have a spouse. But my former spouse did not want sex or talk about it. We were lucky to have sex 3 times a year and I think in 16 years never had a conversation about sex.
> 
> My current partner, whom I have been with for 2 years, is the most open person sexually I have ever known. It is comfortable and wonderful to be able to express what is working and not even during the act of sex.
> 
> I will never stay with a partner that is not open again.


Same. 

I answered the poll in regard to the current MrH but the answer for my ex husband would have been the complete opposite. He was not able to talk about sex, at all.


----------



## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

My wife is very good about telling me what she does NOT like. She has made it clear to me that anything out of the ordinary (plain old vanilla missionary) she considers dirty. However she doesn't seem able to express why she feels this way and I'm hoping we can get some insight through counseling because at only 30 years old I'm increasingly in sure I can handle a lifetime of vanilla sex with a woman who has no desire to have an "adult" relationship.

I have tried to communicate to her that I would like to try some new and diffferent things. I got shut down hard. She'd apparently rather split up than change up our sex life.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

An anecdote based on the results of this poll would be to assume both males and females can communicate equally as well, but one gender struggles to actually _listen_.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Seems it's not only mismatched drives but also mismatched communication. I admit I am surprised but the poll results. I just can't understand how something so important as sex can't be discussed. I have never had an issue like that in any relationship. I feel terrible for some of you struggling so hard with this. It has got to be exhausting having to guess on something you should easily just be able to talk about.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> *Seems it's not only mismatched drives but also mismatched communication.* I admit I am surprised but the poll results. I just can't understand how something so important as sex can't be discussed. I have never had an issue like that in any relationship. I feel terrible for some of you struggling so hard with this. It has got to be exhausting having to guess on something you should easily just be able to talk about.


I honestly think *mismatched sexual communication* should be the term to replace HD/LD mismatched drives. 

I do believe that ALL couples can attain a mutually satisfying relationship on all levels if there can be a way to break through communication barriers.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

My situation was weird. I was much less experienced than my partner when we started dating so I must have been very frustrating to deal with since I was SO shy about everything! *prude alert* then once I started embracing it, it was like a light switched on. We had an amazing sex life. Equal drives and all! Then our sex life got a little strained and I realized that my partner wasn't all that comfortable discussing some of his more..... Unique likes...... That I wasn't fully aware of, so I had an very open conversation with him and STRESSED that he can come to me with all of his desires, wants, interests, fantasies, etc, without worrying about seeming "weird" Hahaha his words not mine. Now 10 years together and our sex life is insanely amazing. Turns out my husbands desires are on par with mine! Communication is key people! If we had had that conversation long ago we could have been have the best sex of our lives this whole time!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> My situation was weird. I was much less experienced than my partner when we started dating so I must have been very frustrating to deal with since I was SO shy about everything! *prude alert* then once I started embracing it, it was like a light switched on. We had an amazing sex life. Equal drives and all! Then our sex life got a little strained and I realized that my partner wasn't all that comfortable discussing some of his more..... Unique likes...... That I wasn't fully aware of, so I had an very open conversation with him and STRESSED that he can come to me with all of his desires, wants, interests, fantasies, etc, without worrying about seeming "weird" Hahaha his words not mine. Now 10 years together and our sex life is insanely amazing. Turns out my husbands desires are on par with mine! *Communication is key people!* If we had had that conversation long ago we could have been have the best sex of our lives this whole time!


Question for you... Would you say that improved communication from your husband about his _unique likes_ actually increased your desire for intimacy?

What I am getting at is from many places I have read it is as though in order for a person to unlock their own full sexual desire, it is as though much of that potential is all about really knowing with confidence about how to please your partner.

Perhaps in many relationships it becomes a scenario like trying to figure out the chicken and the egg and which comes first. Do we find out what our partner likes, or do we share what we like. For those individuals such as yourself that go into a relationship without any experience, is can be easy for the man to become overwhelmed in trying to determine what you like when in reality you do not yet have enough experience to even really know. Then there can be hesitation from the guy to share what he likes because he feels doing so and exploring that would be selfish. 

So if you picked up on this and encouraged your husband to open up to you, I think that was perhaps the key that unlocked improved communication.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I do believe that *ALL* couples can attain a mutually satisfying relationship on all levels* if *there can be a way to break through communication barriers.


Ha! ALL couples? I hope you haven't suffered a serious head injury, as this is completely delusional. IMO. And IF pigs could fly, airplanes would be made of bacon.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

badsanta said:


> for a person to unlock their own full sexual desire, it is as though much of that potential is all about really knowing with confidence about how to please your partner.


I agree. Once I accepted that I would never be able to please my partner, my sexual desire for her disappeared.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Ha! ALL couples? I hope you haven't suffered a serious head injury, as this is completely delusional. IMO. And IF pigs could fly, airplanes would be made of bacon.


I also find that quote delusional. If you only have one party willing, there's no way anything is going to happen.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Question for you... Would you say that improved communication from your husband about his _unique likes_ actually increased your desire for intimacy?
> 
> What I am getting at is from many places I have read it is as though in order for a person to unlock their own full sexual desire, it is as though much of that potential is all about really knowing with confidence about how to please your partner.
> 
> ...



Yes absolutely. Understanding and knowing my husband's likes and dislikes gave me a while new world of confidence that was lacking beforehand. It took away the "does he like this?" Connundrum and allowed me to experiment and play in news ways that I thought he might like based off his preferences. This new confidence and higher level of comfort and understanding helped my own sexual level explode through the roof. I felt safe and knowledgable, and it also made me feel closer to him since I knew he was willing to be completely open with me. My own drive skyrocketed from this enlightenment. 

As well, after we.began this new level of trust and communication, other aspects of our relationship seemed to improve in addition to the sex. 

As for the whole, "do I say what I like? Or do I find out what they like first?" I honestly think the timing of either isn't all that important since it will take both partners being aware of each other's desires for them both to reach satisfaction in their sexual relationship. As for my husband and I, I chose to learn his desires first because I truly wanted to be his living fantasy. Of course I enjoy sex and all the pleasure it brings, but bringing my husband pleasure makes me feel amazing. I don't just want to get in and get it done, the journey matters to me, so I really wanted him to open up to me so I could fulfill his desires in a way only our relationship ever could. Does that make sense? I take pride in my sexual efforts with my husband, and it makes me feel much closer, and honestly even more in love with him than ever before.

I think too, that he may have felt selfish for his wants since I was so inexperienced, but making-love to your partner should never feel selfish. Yes I want to be pleased in bed, but his pleasure is as equally important as my own. Sex for me, is a VITAL part of a marriage, and I take my duties (for lack of a better word) very seriously. There is no room in marriage for selfishness, especially involving sex, it causes far too many problems. 

So in short yes, knowing what my husband likes gives me confidence and that in turn makes my own drive higher. And I do believe me taking the initiative to open the comm doors between us drastically improved our communication in our relationship even outside of sex. 

Sorry for the long winded answer


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

;17251849 said:


> This new confidence and higher level of comfort and understanding helped my own sexual level explode through the roof. I felt safe and knowledgable, and it also made me feel closer to him since I knew he was willing to be completely open with me. My own drive skyrocketed from this enlightenment.



Thanks for sharing, this is likely very helpful for many people to read.

Many people struggle with a spouse that has a low libido and they search for everything under the sun to try almost anything and everything for increasing their spouse's libido. In doing so this journey only serves to makes a person with low desire feel broken and/or inadequate when nothing creates a response and frustration becomes the name of the game. Meanwhile the person with higher levels of desire withholds fantasies out of fear of being told no.


----------

