# My girlfriend accuses me of looking at other womenand it's costing me my relationship



## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

So I met my girlfriend a little over a year ago. I met her at my neighbor's cookout (she's my neighbor to just hadn't met yet)

I want to preface this by saying I am head over heals about this girl. I think she is the most beautiful women on this planet. I have been married and with other women but she is the first women I've actually been truly in love with. 

So these problems started early on but I didn't see them as red flags I thought maybe it was just a misunderstanding but here we are a year later with the same issues. The first incident happened probably about a month into our relationship. We were hanging out at the neighbors house where we met and for some reason she got upset with me and went for a drive (something she's done quite frequently when upset) I honestly don't remember what that one was about because it happens so much. My neighbor had his girlfriend over at the time and I stayed after my GF left figuring I would wait for her to come back. During the time I was waiting my neighbors GF got a little roudy and apparently took off her bra (still had her shirt on) I was not there when that happened and didn't participate in some of the inappropriate behavior going on. Again, I was simply waiting for my GF to return as I'm not into ANY other women. Finally she returned and I went to her house to see her. The next day someone told her how the neighbors GF was acting and she immediately blew up on my because I put myself in that situation by staying there. I get it and I took ownership of that one. 

We moved past that but there have been several times since where our biggest issue is. She accuses me of staring or as she puts it gawking at other women. Mind you I think she is the most beautiful and gorgeous women and better looking then these women she's accusing me if looking at. We have probably had about a dozen fights because of this and then we don't see each other for days. 

I'll admit I guess I'm a bit of a visual person but I'm not looking at anyone in particular or any sex for that matter. I look at men, women, kids, dogs ect. Sometimes I stare into space and I'm not looking at anything. Problem is she only accuses me of looking at women even when I point out what I was looking at or not looking at it doesn't matter as she is not mistaken. I've been accused of looking at moms on my son's baseball team that I coach. I'm sorry but I barely even remember she's there when I'm coaching as I'm in the zone.

This problem has obviously caused many issues in our relationship and I've tried time and time again to explain myself but to no avail. I'm am doing it she insists. I've asked her to go to couples counseling with me but she refuses says thats for married couples. We here's the thing. I want to marry this women but how do we get there with these issues? 

i was just wondering if anyone in this forum has encountered anything like this before and if so how did you resolve it? 

Thanks


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We both look and talk about it. People are interesting to look at. We aren't rude but it is silly to pretend people aren't worth looking at.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> So I met my girlfriend a little over a year ago. I met her at my neighbor's cookout (she's my neighbor to just hadn't met yet)
> 
> I want to preface this by saying I am head over heals about this girl. I think she is the most beautiful women on this planet. I have been married and with other women but she is the first women I've actually been truly in love with.
> 
> ...


You're probably going to hate me, but I've had these experiences with my now husband. He's European, so they basically look at anything. My husband had this problem. I once took him to my boss' wedding, when we were engaged. He was checking out two of my coworkers, who happen to be two gorgeous blonde haired blue eyed women. Now, generally I wouldn't mind, but he never ever compliments me, so why do these girls deserve the compliment of him checking them out, but not his own fiancee'? I told him this, and to tell the truth, if there's ever a work function, I don't bring him, ever, even now, b/c I was so embarrassed by it. But now, my husband doesn't really check out other women in front of me anymore. I would suggest not looking at women...I'm sure you do, you're human, but don't do it; it's rude and disrespectful to the person you're with.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Thanks for your reply but in all honesty I don't look at the women she's accusing me off. I love my GF and respect her. I was raised to respect women and thats exactly what I do.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> Thanks for your reply but in all honesty I don't look at the women she's accusing me off. I love my GF and respect her. I was raised to respect women and thats exactly what I do.


No problem! Was she cheated on in the past, or with a guy who did what she accuses you of?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> No problem! Was she cheated on in the past, or with a guy who did what she accuses you of?


Both. She's had a pretty rough past and I try to understand that but I don't know how to get is past this and the truth out there


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Aww I'm sorry, I didn't know! I mean, if you can tolerate it, be as supportive as you can. Even though she may for some ridiculous reason not see her value, you seem to really love her and that's great. I would say she should see a psychologist individually to work on herself and her self esteem issues. Maybe she'd be open to it.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Aww I'm sorry, I didn't know! I mean, if you can tolerate it, be as supportive as you can. Even though she may for some ridiculous reason not see her value, you seem to really love her and that's great. I would say she should see a psychologist individually to work on herself and her self esteem issues. Maybe she'd be open to it.


I don't know. That's a touchy subject to bring up. She thinks I'm the one with the problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So she's the jealous type, sounds rather paranoid, and drives off when she's in a huff. What is it that you love about her? Great looks? Great sex? Great cook? 

I'd like to know, because from where I'm sitting - regardless of her rocky past - she sounds like she has some serious issues. Issues she's not willing to face and own as hers.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TRose said:


> This problem has obviously caused many issues in our relationship and I've tried time and time again to explain myself but to no avail. I'm am doing it she insists. I've asked her to go to couples counseling with me but she refuses says thats for married couples. We here's the thing. I want to marry this women but how do we get there with these issues?


Therapy is not just for married couples. Your GF clearly just doesn't want to do it and that is a handy excuse. What will her excuse be when you get married? Has she never heard of pre-marital counseling? Regardless, what your GF needs is individual counseling. Lucky for her it's individual... so she has no excuse.

Don't marry her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs therapy, perhaps?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So she's the jealous type, sounds rather paranoid, and drives off when she's in a huff. What is it that you love about her? Great looks? Great sex? Great cook?
> 
> I'd like to know, because from where I'm sitting - regardless of her rocky past - she sounds like she has some serious issues. Issues she's not willing to face and own as hers.


She has all 3 of those things


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

She’s so afraid of losing you that she’s convinced herself that she sees what she _doesn’t want_ to see. She’s so threatened by the fear of you leaving her that she sabotages. Because it’s easier to be the one that ruins everything, rather than to be the one that’s left in the ditch with a broken heart.

Her mind plays tricks on her. She’s not going to stop. She can’t.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

C.C. says ... said:


> She’s so afraid of losing you that she’s convinced herself that she sees what she _doesn’t want_ to see. She’s so threatened by the fear of you leaving her that she sabotages. Because it’s easier to be the one that ruins everything, rather than to be the one that’s left in the ditch with a broken heart.
> 
> Her mind plays tricks on her. She’s not going to stop. She can’t.


I think you're right. She actually has brought something like that up before that she's afraid I'll end up ditching her but there has to be more to it than that.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Wow, be careful about marrying your GF. She sounds like she is suffering from a tad bit of paranoia. She might need to get some help, if she doesn't, it'll only get worse after the rings are on your fingers.

On the other hand, you should keep your eyes on her ass, and her ass alone. Always look straight forward and don't pay any attention to other women around you, especially when she is with you.

Don't participate with any woman that tries to flirt with you. There are devil women out there that like to cause trouble for men, especially when their companions are pretty.

Treat her with nothing but love and respect. Don't fight with her over her accusations. Don't yell at her, just speak in a calm voice and continue to shower her with your love when she becomes agitated. Some women need to be constantly assured. Give her what she needs.

If that all fails... dump her and move on. Lol.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Also to elaborate a little further the latest blowup. So I'm a realtor and I use Facebook mostly for that purpose. She isn't on any kind of social media because she thinks it's stupid. Well the other day she went into a fake account she created to spy on another boyfriend and looked through my page. She then got mad saying that I have more female friends than male (not true) and questioned why I had so many female friends. My friends consist of people I went to high school or college with and aquantences I've met along the way nothing out of the ordinary. She then came across a couple of pictures of my exes (didn't know they were still on there but they're not anymore) I know, my bad. 
She states that she feels like she doesn't exist because there's not a picture of her on there. I promise you if I didn't think she would get mad for me putting a picture of us together on there it would be my profile pic. I've considered it and thought it would be a good idea.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

There really isn’t. And now that she’s put it out there that she’s not
sure of herself and that she’s scared, she’s brought on her own downfall. You _are_ going to get so sick of it that you’ll eventually fulfill her greatest fear and you’re going to leave her.

I guarantee for every moment you spend agitated at her for doing this, she’s spending an even worse time kicking herself in the ass.

This thing comes from some deep rooted issues she’s had her whole life. She can’t help it. I don’t know what kind of therapy will fix it but _she’s_ the one that needs it.

You’ve gone and fell in love with a broken woman. Buckle up... it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

And by all means, if you want to keep having sex with her, keep your eyes to the front like you have blinders on!  



TRose said:


> I think you're right. She actually has brought something like that up before that she's afraid I'll end up ditching her but there has to be more to it than that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Don't consider marriage to her. Frankly, I don't see what there is at a deeper level that you love. Great sex is always great when we're in lust early on. Looks? They fade with time. So she's a good cook. From where I'm sitting, this doesn't sound like a great love story.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It seems she can’t handle any bit of adversity. If she has to actually get in her car and drive around to cool off... I mean what set her off that time?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Don't consider marriage to her. Frankly, I don't see what there is at a deeper level that you love. Great sex is always great when we're in lust early on. Looks? They fade with time. So she's a good cook. From where I'm sitting, this doesn't sound like a great love story.


She's actually a great person other than these issues. She's loyal has her **** together (again I know I'm not selling her on that) and I know how much she loves me. It's hard to explain. It's a connection I've never had before.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> It seems she can’t handle any bit of adversity. If she has to actually get in her car and drive around to cool off... I mean what set her off that time?


I honestly don't remember that time. One time it was because I was at the neighbors and I was told I was taking part in a conversation some of the guys were having and pulling up images on their phones comparing her to a celebrity. I told them in her presence she was much more beautiful then that girl but was still accused of looking at the picture on the phone


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I honestly don't remember that time. One time it was because I was at the neighbors and I was told I was taking part in a conversation some of the guys were having and pulling up images on their phones comparing her to a celebrity. I told them in her presence she was much more beautiful then that girl but was still accused of looking at the picture on the phone


No offense but this behavior sounds so immature.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you're in love with an insecure, immature woman. And after just one year in the relationship, there are already all these issues.

Sorry, buddy, but I don't see this ending well.

But if you are hellbent on being "in love" with this woman, give it another year at least. See how you feel when she keeps pulling this crap. I don't think you'll be quite as enamored as you are now.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> No offense but this behavior sounds so immature.


I absolutely agree. That's why I shut the conversation down and said what I said and that was the end of it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TRose said:


> I honestly don't remember that time. One time it was because I was at the neighbors and I was told I was taking part in a conversation some of the guys were having and pulling up images on their phones comparing her to a celebrity. I told them in her presence she was much more beautiful then that girl but was still accused of looking at the picture on the phone


Unstable dude. Unless you are painting an inaccurate picture, she needs help before being in a relationship.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I absolutely agree. That's why I shut the conversation down and said what I said and that was the end of it.


Why do you even hang out with these people? They don’t sound like good company.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Unless you plan to move to an uninhabited island your life with her will be hell.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Why do you even hang out with these people? They don’t sound like good company.


I don't anymore. I realized this was trouble early on and stopped it. I haven't hung out there for the majority of the relationship


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I don't anymore. I realized this was trouble early on and stopped it. I haven't hung out there for the majority of the relationship


You should tell her that her behavior is Sabotaging the relationship. You should tell her she needs to get help, or fix her jealously because it’s ruining your relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@TRose - You gf needs to take ownership of her issues. A relationship with differences like these is doomed if the blame game is played. And she's playing it. SHE has a problem. And this nonsense of driving off and leaving you waiting around for her to return? Beyond childish.

Until these matters are rectified, you are in for more of the same. And it's going to wear soon in the not-too-distant future. I still can't see what you are "in love" with here. Sorry.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, the answer to my girlfriend accuses me of staring at other women isn't that you think your girlfriend is the most beautiful one. It's to stop staring at other women. It's so rude. It doesn't matter if you have no intentions behind it. She's noticed that you're doing it and other people probably have to. It's disrespectful. Stop trying to argue with her that you're not really doing anything and just stop doing it.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, the answer to my girlfriend accuses me of staring at other women isn't that you think your girlfriend is the most beautiful one. It's to stop staring at other women. It's so rude. It doesn't matter if you have no intentions behind it. She's noticed that you're doing it and other people probably have to. It's disrespectful. Stop trying to argue with her that you're not really doing anything and just stop doing it.


I don't stare at other women. Did you read any of this?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> You should tell her that her behavior is Sabotaging the relationship. You should tell her she needs to get help, or fix her jealously because it’s ruining your relationship.


I have actually told her numerous times that she is sabotaging our relationship but she still insists I'm wrong. She's very stubborn


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TRose said:


> I don't stare at other women.


Then why does your gf say you do? Seriously, you are coming across as a totally innocent party here. Unless she's totally paranoid and completely screwed-up, then she's onto something. 

Maybe you are just oblivious in this relationship. You say you love some insecure woman who behaves poorly. Then you claim you do nothing wrong. This doesn't add up. What are you doing to stoke her insecurities?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> What are you doing to stoke her insecurities?


If I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be here asking. I honestly don't look stare at other women. This is not my first relationship I know women don't like that. If there is a women in the direction I'm looking in I'm accused of it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's the thing: Neither one of you have a healthy way of resolving conflicts. She blames you for her issues. She leaves you high and dry while she drives off to god-knows-where. Meantime, you're asking internet strangers what to do. You asked the question, so I'll give you my answer: This woman is immature. Your idea of what "in love" is sounds immature too.

I have no idea how old you and your gf are, but neither of you is ready for a committed relationship. There are too many issues and too many fights going on. IOW - ZERO ability to resolve conflict. I'm sorry, but this isn't "love." Call it that all you want. But it ain't that. Not by a long shot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife points out other women and says "Isn't she pretty?"


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Here's the thing: Neither one of you have a healthy way of resolving conflicts. She blames you for her issues. She leaves you high and dry while she drives off to god-knows-where. Meantime, you're asking internet strangers what to do. You asked the question, so I'll give you my answer: This woman is immature. Your idea of what "in love" is sounds immature too.
> 
> I have no idea how old you and your gf are, but neither of you is ready for a committed relationship. There are too many issues and too many fights going on. IOW - ZERO ability to resolve conflict. I'm sorry, but this isn't "love." Call it that all you want. But it ain't that. Not by a long shot.


Fair enough. I agree it's immature. There's no rulebook for who you fall in love with as there are many layers to love. It's very complex. I just thought I'd come here for a different take. Thanks for the responses.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I sincerely hope you and your gf will come to a mutually acceptable way to handle this and other conflicts. Just a thought, but have you ever considered setting a boundary with her? IOW telling her she needs to get some help or you will have to, at the very least, take a time out?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I sincerely hope you and your gf will come to a mutually acceptable way to handle this and other conflicts. Just a thought, but have you ever considered setting a boundary with her? IOW telling her she needs to get some help or you will have to, at the very least, take a time out?


Thank you! I have not. I have pointed out to her that her actions are not heathy but she seems to think that she's right no matter what I say. It's a very touchy subject that we're going to have to have but I wanted to hear some other thoughts on it first. I've never experienced anything like it before.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TRose said:


> ... she seems to think that she's right no matter what I say.


I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you keep us posted on what transpires. I often have all the finesse of a hammer, but I do care about the outcome. When you love someone and want to have a long-term intimate relationship, you have to negotiate the hurdles. It sounds like she's not willing to do that right now. I hope the two of you can work this out.

Again, keep us posted if you wish. Best of luck.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you keep us posted on what transpires. I often have all the finesse of a hammer, but I do care about the outcome. When you love someone and want to have a long-term intimate relationship, you have to negotiate the hurdles. It sounds like she's not willing to do that right now. I hope the two of you can work this out.
> 
> Again, keep us posted if you wish. Best of luck.


Thank you! I really do appreciate your help. I've reached out to friends and get the response "just ditch her man she's not worth all that" but I'm not there right now. Like I said whatever it is I do truly love this girl and think if we could clear up a couple of misconceptions we can work from there.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She has created fake facebook accounts in the past to spy on her boyfriend? That’s huge red flag right here. She is insecure, and will drive you crazy with her jealousy. And the fact that she always think she is right -another red flag. 

Marriage therapy is also called couples therapy. You don’t have to be married. But frankly it sounds like she could benefit from individual therapy first. 

Whatever you do, do not propose for now or get her pregnant. New relation pink glasses usually wear off after two years, and then you’ll have better idea of who she is and if she is for you. Don’t rush into anything at this moment.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> She has created fake facebook accounts in the past to spy on her boyfriend? That’s huge red flag right here. She is insecure, and will drive you crazy with her jealousy. And the fact that she always think she is right -another red flag.
> 
> Marriage therapy is also called couples therapy. You don’t have to be married. But frankly it sounds like she could benefit from individual therapy first.
> 
> Whatever you do, do not propose for now or get her pregnant. New relation pink glasses usually wear off after two years, and then you’ll have better idea of who she is and if she is for you. Don’t rush into anything at this moment.


I appreciate your response.


WandaJ said:


> She has created fake facebook accounts in the past to spy on her boyfriend? That’s huge red flag right here. She is insecure, and will drive you crazy with her jealousy. And the fact that she always think she is right -another red flag.
> 
> Marriage therapy is also called couples therapy. You don’t have to be married. But frankly it sounds like she could benefit from individual therapy first.
> 
> Whatever you do, do not propose for now or get her pregnant. New relation pink glasses usually wear off after two years, and then you’ll have better idea of who she is and if she is for you. Don’t rush into anything at this moment.


It's funny you bring that up. We had a scare a few months ago but she killed it off. Wtf? She says she doesn't want a kid but then doesn't take her birth control for various reasons. I'm totally mind effed right now


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My wife points out other women and says "Isn't she pretty?"


Matt, I don't figure you as the type guy that would take the bait.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My H checks out the ass of every hot woman. It makes me mad. Every time I point it out, he says it wasn’t what he was looking at. Yeah, right. Sorry, I’m not that stupid. It is so obvious that he was. What else is he looking at, right at that level? Her crotch? Not much better. Admiring the stitching on her jeans? I mean, come on. You may not think you are, but maybe you are?

Unless she is a loon, maybe your eyes head there and you don’t even know it. My H was a lifelong batchelor until his 40s. I’m still trying to whip him into shape, but my success is TBD Lol. In the meantime he will be hearing from me. Am I crazy too? Should he not have married me because I notice this? Come on, not every guy is innocent of this. Some just can’t keep their eyes under control. We catch them. It doesn’t mean we are nuts. Seems like a convenient cop out.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, the answer to my girlfriend accuses me of staring at other women isn't that you think your girlfriend is the most beautiful one. It's to stop staring at other women. It's so rude. It doesn't matter if you have no intentions behind it. She's noticed that you're doing it and other people probably have to. It's disrespectful. Stop trying to argue with her that you're not really doing anything and just stop doing it.


So you are suggesting either that he should start staring at women in order to be able to stop?
Or that we should always accept the female version of reality and dismiss all male experience?
Just to claify


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TRose said:


> I've reached out to friends and get the response "just ditch her man she's not worth all that" but I'm not there right now.


T my man, what you have are friends that know jack squat about women. The first thing you have to recognize that her accusations, no matter what they look like ,is her fear that you don’t really care about her. May not be rational, but that's the way it is. The last thing you want to do is go on the defensive. The only thing that maybe worse is to tell her you'll stop or make some sort of effort not to appear you're checking out T and A. Frame your response to her how you want but you goal is going to be to show her that you understand her concerns, and that you care*. *Say something like, Baby, you’re most important thing in my life. I may not be able to convince you I'm not checking out other chicks, but you know I love you, I want you and only you. You get the picture.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> My H checks out the ass of every hot woman. It makes me mad. Every time I point it out, he says it wasn’t what he was looking at. Yeah, right. Sorry, I’m not that stupid.


Spicy, when he quits, get him to the hospital or the undertaker.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Spicy said:


> My H checks out the ass of every hot woman. It makes me mad. Every time I point it out, he says it wasn’t what he was looking at. Yeah, right. Sorry, I’m not that stupid. It is so obvious that he was. What else is he looking at, right at that level? Her crotch? Not much better. Admiring the stitching on her jeans? I mean, come on. You may not think you are, but maybe you are?
> 
> Unless she is a loon, maybe your eyes head there and you don’t even know it. My H was a lifelong batchelor until his 40s. I’m still trying to whip him into shape, but my success is TBD Lol. In the meantime he will be hearing from me. Am I crazy too? Should he not have married me because I notice this? Come on, not every guy is innocent of this. Some just can’t keep their eyes under control. We catch them. It doesn’t mean we are nuts. Seems like a convenient cop out.


I would actually love an option from your side of it. I don't know here anymore. Am I? Or am I just being a person who has awareness? This I don't know anymore. I'm not saying she's crazy because I don't truly think that I'm just at a loss because she means the world to me


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

TRose said:


> Also to elaborate a little further the latest blowup. So I'm a realtor and I use Facebook mostly for that purpose. She isn't on any kind of social media because she thinks it's stupid. *Well the other day she went into a fake account she created to spy on another boyfriend and looked through my page. She then got mad saying that I have more female friends than male (not true) and questioned why I had so many female friends. *My friends consist of people I went to high school or college with and aquantences I've met along the way nothing out of the ordinary. She then came across a couple of pictures of my exes (didn't know they were still on there but they're not anymore) I know, my bad.
> She states that she feels like she doesn't exist because there's not a picture of her on there. I promise you if I didn't think she would get mad for me putting a picture of us together on there it would be my profile pic. I've considered it and thought it would be a good idea.


If someone is creating a false account to spy on another boyfriend (ex, presumably?), then they are having a very troubled time. That is messed up and only seems normal as you are seeing things from her perspective. 

Most people are messed up, but this is not the messed up it is likely you are compatible with. And, that does not make her a bad person. You will end up not marrying almost everyone, they are not bad people. But, for a marriage, things have to be pretty perfect.








Most people are not able to see that their perception and reality are not the same. For people with schizophrenia, not being open to question their perception is seem as a symptom, which is staggeringly stupid as it is actually normal for people. When she is not making an effort, it will be your fault she is having a bad day (a mark against your name). Then, when her mood improves, she will forgive you (a further mark against your name). 

I have to assume that when you say you are not staring that that is true. If it is, you need to get out. You will be told of as the guy she says left because you insisted you should be able to ogle other women in front of her and have affairs.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

TRose said:


> I would actually love an option from your side of it. I don't know here anymore. Am I? Or am I just being a person who has awareness? This I don't know anymore. I'm not saying she's crazy because I don't truly think that I'm just at a loss because she means the world to me


There are some people on this board who think they are self-aware but the other sex are not. You will always get many on this thread. Others will be going through tough times and will want to blame their partner's perceived failings on their entire sex rather than on them individually.
You have stated that she perceived you as having more female Facebook friends and you do not.
For some on this board, the female perception is the truth (for some, the male), for others it is the actual numbers that are the truth. Trying to survive with the first is to sacrifice your sanity.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> T my man, what you have are friends that know jack squat about women. The first thing you have to recognize that her accusations, no matter what they look like ,is her fear that you don’t really care about her. May not be rational, but that's the way it is. The last thing you want to do is go on the defensive. The only thing that maybe worse is to tell her you'll stop or make some sort of effort not to appear you're checking out T and A. Frame your response to her how you want but you goal is going to be to show her that you understand her concerns, and that you care*. *Say something like, Baby, you’re most important thing in my life. I may not be able to convince you I'm not checking out other chicks, but you know I love you, I want you and only you. You get the picture.


Hey man thanks for the response. I have told her all these things to help her feel at ease. Trust me it's been one after the other. I just don't know that she'll ever understand how I feel about her until it's over. I don't think she really knows and that is the most painful thing in all of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> She states that she feels like she doesn't exist because there's not a picture of her on there. I promise you if I didn't think she would get mad for me putting a picture of us together on there it would be my profile pic. I've considered it and thought it would be a good idea.


Have you asked her if it's ok to put a picture of her in your profile? If she says yes, let her help you pick which one to use.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> I honestly don't remember that time. One time it was because I was at the neighbors and I was told *I was taking part in a conversation some of the guys were having and pulling up images on their phones comparing her to a celebrity.* I told them in her presence she was much more beautiful then that girl but was still accused of looking at the picture on the phone


I don't see what's wrong with looking at images of celebrities that some think look like her. Did the celebrities have cloths on in the photos you were looking at? If they were not porn-like images, what's the problem? Why did that bother her?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I don't see what's wrong with looking at images of celebrities that some think look like her. Did the celebrities have cloths on in the photos you were looking at? If they were not porn-like images, what's the problem? Why did that bother her?


Not naked in anyway. Just a head shot. This is part of the reason I'm baffled by all of this. Sometimes I feel like if I just ignore her she may come around but is that the solution?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> Not naked in anyway. Just a head shot. This is part of the reason I'm baffled by all of this. Sometimes I feel like if I just ignore her she may come around but is that the solution?


No, ignoring her is not a solution. All that will do is make her more angry and more convinced that she's right.

Problems should always be handled head-on. You have to let her know that you are not tolerate her extreme jealous behavior. Either she sees a therapist to work on her insecurities and jealousy or you will end the relationship.

You have given up your friends because of your relationship with her. Do you still have any of the friends you had when you started seeing her? Do the two of you now have friends that you hang out with at times?

Do you have extended family who live near you? Do you still have a relationship with them at the same level you did before you started dating her? How does she handle your relationship with your family?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

There's a difference between gawking and having eye-balls in your head.

I shall prepare for the potential flying tomatoes that may come way here, but if you really aren't gawking, then why not just tell her to quit it and get used to the fact that you have eye-balls. Or if you want to soften it, you could let her know that you'd pluck out your eye-balls for her, but then you'd miss checking _her_ out. Or, if you think she could handle this, tell her you find it more attractive when she's secure within herself.

However, if you ARE gawking and perhaps doing this unknowingly, then perhaps you need to become more knowing and stop.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TRose said:


> She isn't on any kind of social media because she thinks it's stupid. Well the other day she went into a fake account she created to spy on another boyfriend and looked through my page.


err .......


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TRose said:


> Not naked in anyway. Just a head shot. This is part of the reason I'm baffled by all of this. Sometimes I feel like if I just ignore her she may come around but is that the solution?


This may not be the 'right' approach, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be telling her to cut it out.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Have you tried saying “you may think you’re not sabotaging our relationship but I’m telling you that if you keep accusing me of stuff and spying on me and acting like I’m a cheater you will lose me. I love you so much but I don’t know how much longer I can handle being accused of being a horrible guy all the time. You are driving me away.”

You have to be that direct. Follow it up with another request for therapy, either individual for her or couples, her choice.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TRose said:


> Thanks for your reply but in all honesty I don't look at the women she's accusing me off. I love my GF and respect her. I was raised to respect women and thats exactly what I do.


You'd be surprised at how many guys eye up women without even REALIZING they're doing it, because it's such an ingrained habit that they don't even realize they're doing it. I've seen guys do this when a female has walked past - they'd literally eye her up and down within seconds - and when I'd call them out for doing it, they claimed I was crazy and they hadn't done a thing.

But I know I wasn't crazy and I saw what I saw. I think for some, it's simply as ingrained as breathing or eating.

You're likely doing this and you don't even realize it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I have actually told her numerous times that she is sabotaging our relationship but she still insists I'm wrong. She's very stubborn


If that’s not a red flag I don’t know what is. Clearly you guys can’t work through problems together. And there aren’t even any problems in the relationship yet! Leave her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TRose said:


> Both. She's had a pretty rough past and I try to understand that but I don't know how to get is past this and the truth out there


Or does she have a guilty conscience. Where is she disappearing to? Really? Is she trying to sabotage the relationship to go to another?
If you are sure....
Do you know the past guys that would gawk. I have told my wife "I am not your damn Ex!" She used to be that way and i was freaking out thinking what am i doing that would make her think that! I am not like that.
Turn it around on her when she leaves. "Who did you going to see!" BS! You have another guy dont you! I dont believe you!"
She could be using accusations against you as excise to go ser another guy


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TRose said:


> She's actually a great person other than these issues. She's loyal has her **** together (again I know I'm not selling her on that) and I know how much she loves me. It's hard to explain. It's a connection I've never had before.


But these issues are serious enough for you to end the relationship. Don’t marry this woman.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you admit it and tell her "You know what? Your ass is way finer". Even if you were looking at the guy behind her.

Ask her to snap a pic of your perceived misbehavior so you'll know just what she's interpreting as checking out other women. Does she expect you to look at the ground for the rest of your life?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Your gf has alot of issues. Everyone looks at other people. Sure, there's a right and wrong way to do it but I won't belabor it here because others have talked about it already.

What I think _really _needs to be addressed is that she created a fake FB profile to spy on her ex bf? Why? How do _you_ feel about that? What a load of crap. That's the real issue you two should be talking about. How was that dealt with?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Or does she have a guilty conscience. Where is she disappearing to? Really? Is she trying to sabotage the relationship to go to another?
> If you are sure....
> Do you know the past guys that would gawk. I have told my wife "I am not your damn Ex!" She used to be that way and i was freaking out thinking what am i doing that would make her think that! I am not like that.
> Turn it around on her when she leaves. "Who did you going to see!" BS! You have another guy dont you! I dont believe you!"
> She could be using accusations against you as excise to go ser another guy


I really don't think this is the case with her. As I said she is pretty loyal. Hell we're both loyal and there's no cheating going on in the relationship. That much I know.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> Your gf has alot of issues. Everyone looks at other people. Sure, there's a right and wrong way to do it but I won't belabor it here because others have talked about it already.
> 
> What I think _really _needs to be addressed is that she created a fake FB profile to spy on her ex bf? Why? How do _you_ feel about that? What a load of crap. That's the real issue you two should be talking about. How was that dealt with?


I told her it was weird but I have nothing to hide so have at it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> I told her it was weird but I have nothing to hide so have at it.


What was her reason for spying on her ex bf? Or do you think that was a lie for her real reason--to spy on you? You truly don't see an issue with this behavior, regardless of what her reason may be?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TRose said:


> I told her it was weird but I have nothing to hide so have at it.


But it IS weird (and unacceptable) for her to be spying on her ex-boyfriend.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> What was her reason for spying on her ex bf? Or do you think that was a lie for her real reason--to spy on you? You truly don't see an issue with this behavior, regardless of what her reason may be?


I should clarify. She wasn't currently spying on her ex boyfriend. It was a fake account that she used when they were together to spy on him that she reactivated to do the same thing to me.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> But it IS weird (and unacceptable) for her to be spying on her ex-boyfriend.


I should clarify. She wasn't currently spying on her ex boyfriend. It was a fake account that she used when they were together to spy on him that she reactivated to do the same thing to me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TRose said:


> I should clarify. She wasn't currently spying on her ex boyfriend. It was a fake account that she used when they were together to spy on him that she reactivated to do the same thing to me.


Thanks for the clarification. At least she's consistent...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> I should clarify. She wasn't currently spying on her ex boyfriend. It was a fake account that she used when they were together to spy on him that she reactivated to do the same thing to me.


I appreciate the clarification. 

Still doesn't change my mind that she has issues. In fact, the clarification makes it more apparent that she is super duper jealous and this doesn't bode well for you. At all. Does she spy on every current bf? So far, she's 2 for 2. People who are in trusting relationships don't do that.

Listen, if you continue with this woman without intensive counseling on her part, you will forever be explaining yourself to her even for the most innocuous of things. You should think long and hard about that. 

And the fact that she says counseling is for married couples tells me alot. She sounds really immature. How old are you two? Sorry if I missed it. And, do you think she's angling for a marriage proposal when she says that?

Sorry, but even the hottest woman who is fantastic in bed and cooks Michelin Star meals isn't worth that BS. Whatever you do, wrap it up and don't get her pregnant.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> I appreciate the clarification.
> 
> Still doesn't change my mind that she has issues. In fact, the clarification makes it more apparent that she is super duper jealous and this doesn't bode well for you. At all. Does she spy on every current bf? So far, she's 2 for 2. People who are in trusting relationships don't do that.
> 
> ...


Haha. I'm 39 and she's 42. I know she had a lot of trauma in the past. I knew this going into it but she's a great girl other than these issues.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would advise you to break up and find someone without issues. 

The paranoia is not going to get better. You are going to be accused every time you are around other women. 

She's spying on you like she did with previous boyfriends.

You can't look at other women's pictures. Even if they are celebrities.

She runs away to who knows where when she is upset.

She doesn't want kids (yet) but forgets to take her birth control. 

This is a mental case of a woman and probably what you see now is just the tip of the iceberg.

No mature man would put up with the insecurity crap, but some men are just lured to chaos and thrive in it thinking it's looove!! 

Good luck my friend!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> Haha. I'm 39 and she's 42. I know she had a lot of trauma in the past. I knew this going into it but she's a great girl other than these issues.


Good luck!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I should clarify. She wasn't currently spying on her ex boyfriend. It was a fake account that she used when they were together to spy on him that she reactivated to do the same thing to me.


I did that in high-school. This sounds like a high school relationship, super dysfunctional.

Edit: and the reason why I say that is because as a girl in high school I loved drama. Making each other jealous, focusing on who is prettier or has the hotter body. I seriously think you guys still live this way. I mean sitting at your neighbors while his girlfriend takes off her bra, and comparing your gf to celebrities with your bros.... come on.
The reason you think her behavior isn’t that bad is because you are stuck in the high school mindset. Because her behavior is really really dysfunctional.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And one more thing, you say you have nothing to hid but that doesn’t matter because girls like this will FIND something to get mad at you about. Just like she is getting mad at you for looking at other girls even though you aren’t.


Some girls need to do this weird constant fighting and getting back together to feel loved. It’s super toxic.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Funny story, that I thought of last night and wanted to share with you @TRose ...my husband was engaged before we met, and his sister was still friends with her on social media and all. I was jealous of it, b/c I knew the girl was a nosy b**** and would spy through her page. Anyway, once I had my first kid, my jealousy (in general) mostly went away. So people can change for the better.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

I wanted to cl


Girl_power said:


> I did that in high-school. This sounds like a high school relationship, super dysfunctional.
> 
> Edit: and the reason why I say that is because as a girl in high school I loved drama. Making each other jealous, focusing on who is prettier or has the hotter body. I seriously think you guys still live this way. I mean sitting at your neighbors while his girlfriend takes off her bra, and comparing your gf to celebrities with your bros.... come on.
> The reason you think her behavior isn’t that bad is because you are stuck in the high school mindset. Because her behavior is really really dysfunctional.


I wanted to clarify here. I wasn't at the neighbors when she took her bra off. I got there after and found out after the fact. Still though she was being inappropriate and I should've just left and would've because I didn't have any interest in her at all I was just waiting for my girlfriend to return. Also, I wasn't comparing her to anyone. One of the guys there was and I squashed it (or at least though I did) by saying she's prettier than that celeb


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe at 42 she’s feeling the passing of time more than she did when she was young. Or maybe she’s always been that way because she has insecurities she’s never overcome. Whatever the reason, I’m not sure she’ll be happy with anything you do.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I wanted to cl
> 
> I wanted to clarify here. I wasn't at the neighbors when she took her bra off. I got there after and found out after the fact. Still though she was being inappropriate and I should've just left and would've because I didn't have any interest in her at all I was just waiting for my girlfriend to return. Also, I wasn't comparing her to anyone. One of the guys there was and I squashed it (or at least though I did) by saying she's prettier than that celeb


Let’s talk about the real issue. You came here for advice, got some, and now your down playing her behavior. 
Have you figured out what your going to do about her behavior? Or have you decided it isn’t that big of a deal?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Let’s talk about the real issue. You came here for advice, got some, and now your down playing her behavior.
> Have you figured out what your going to do about her behavior? Or have you decided it isn’t that big of a deal?


I'm not trying to downplay her behavior because it's definitely an issue. Only point I was trying to make her is that I was wrong for staying.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> I'm not trying to downplay her behavior because it's definitely an issue. Only point I was trying to make her is that I was wrong for staying.


I have notice throughout this thread that you escape answering questions and are a master at changing subjects.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TRose said:


> I'm not trying to downplay her behavior because it's definitely an issue. *Only point I was trying to make her is that I was wrong for staying*.


Oh boy! you're starting to sound like you're on your way to becoming a *****-whipped guy with this woman. Your girlfriend is over 40, so she's an adult. She's already fixed on her ways. SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Got that! Good. Figure if you could live with that behavior; which most likely, you'll get more and more as time goes by. Moreover, man, there're so many younger beautiful women out there, that could make you just as happy or more. 

And yes, If you are a red blooded man, is natural to look at women. It's ingrained on men. Most guys try (emphasis on try) not to be so obvious, but sometimes we fail. All you can do in those instances is to apologize, by the same token you shouldn't be letting her beat you over it. I f you continue to allow it, then the problem is YOU. That's what boyfriend/girlfriend relationship are: a tryout to see if there's compatibility or not. If not : NEXT. Moreover, you keep saying how much you're in love with this woman, like it should matter with the problems you are confronting with her. REMEMBER: What love got to do with it?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I have notice throughout this thread that you escape answering questions and are a master at changing subjects.


What didn't I answer?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> What didn't I answer?


Have you figured out what your going to do about her behavior? Or have you decided it isn’t that big of a deal?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TRose said:


> I really don't think this is the case with her. As I said she is pretty loyal. Hell we're both loyal and there's no cheating going on in the relationship. That much I know.


How do you know when she picks a fight with you then you do not see each other for days? She sounds like a juvenile. I dont know why everyone thinks all guys check out chicks and cant keep from it. There could be a girl in a bikini driving a jeep and i am checking out what kind of mud grips she is running or is there one under inflated


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Have you figured out what your going to do about her behavior? Or have you decided it isn’t that big of a deal?


No it's a big deal and that's why I am here. I'm going to have to give her an altimatum.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> How do you know when she picks a fight with you then you do not see each other for days? She sounds like a juvenile. I dont know why everyone thinks all guys check out chicks and cant keep from it. There could be a girl in a bikini driving a jeep and i am checking out what kind of mud grips she is running or is there one under inflated


Because I trust her. Plus she's my neighbor so I can see she's home during these times.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> I'm going to have to give her an altimatum.


What's that going to be? Go to counseling or we're done? Don't tell her just to "stop" the behavior because honestly, I'm not sure she can do it on her own.

And you had better mean it and mete out the consequences you've described to her because if you don't, she'll know she has you by the short hairs and she can run roughshod all over you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> What didn't I answer?


I have two posts that asked you questions to get a better picture of what is going on. You did not address any of it.



EleGirl said:


> Have you asked her if it's ok to put a picture of her in your profile? If she says yes, let her help you pick which one to use.





EleGirl said:


> No, ignoring her is not a solution. All that will do is make her more angry and more convinced that she's right.
> 
> Problems should always be handled head-on. You have to let her know that you are not tolerate her extreme jealous behavior. Either she sees a therapist to work on her insecurities and jealousy or you will end the relationship.
> 
> ...


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I have two posts that asked you questions to get a better picture of what is going on. You did not address any of it.


Sorry I missed those posts. To answer the first one no I haven't asked her if I could post a pic if her because she doesn't like her picture taken. We've only had a couple of pictures taken together.

I haven't lost any friends but I did miss out on an annual guys cabin trip because she doesn't like it. She said I know what goes on at those cabin trips. Really all it is is a lot of beer drinking and meat eating. 

We don't really have any couple friends that we met together if that's what your asking. The friends we hang out with are all my friends. I haven't met any of her friends really come to think of it. She's told me they live in different states.

As far as family she likes my family. My mom and my sister more so than the rest. They like her as well and seem to think she's "good for me" as they put it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have a big problem here. It's your gf. She has major issues with insecurity and trust, and these may eventually drive you away unless you're a doormat. I suggest you confront her and insist on joint relationship counselling to address this issue, otherwise break up unless you want to always walk on egg shells.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> Sorry I missed those posts. To answer the first one no I haven't asked her if I could post a pic if her because she doesn't like her picture taken. We've only had a couple of pictures taken together.
> 
> I haven't lost any friends but I did miss out on an annual guys cabin trip because she doesn't like it. She said I know what goes on at those cabin trips. Really all it is is a lot of beer drinking and meat eating.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the answers. It helps.

She says that all her friends live out of town? How long has she lived in your town? 

Does her family live in another town?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks for the answers. It helps.
> 
> She says that all her friends live out of town? How long has she lived in your town?
> 
> Does her family live in another town?


She's been her for about 3 years


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

TRose said:


> I'm not trying to downplay her behavior because it's definitely an issue. Only point I was trying to make her is that I was wrong for staying.


You have said multiple times that you were wrong for staying. There was nothing wrong about that. You were there at a party hanging out, you didn't do anything with that other woman, no need to apologize.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

TRose said:


> I haven't lost any friends but I did miss out on an annual guys cabin trip because she doesn't like it. She said I know what goes on at those cabin trips. Really all it is is a lot of beer drinking and meat eating.


That is a major issue. She doesn't want you hanging out with other guys on a trip. From everything I've read here it is more than obvious she needs to some professional help for her issues. This is a girlfriend that you don't want to become a wife unless she gets the help she needs.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My girlfriend and I had something similar, she never blew up like yours did however. She eventually came to understand over time, the moment of truth being when I was staring at a woman at a counter while waiting at the doctors years ago, she looked like a goldfish, I never imagined how someone could have their face so... 'thin', yet eyes so 'apart'. After a good 30 seconds of full on non-blinking staring, my girlfriend was wondering how the hell I could possibly find her 'attractive'. Then I turned to my girlfriend and asked her 'have you ever seen a goldf...'" in which she interjected with a laugh, cause she realised it too. Since then, she's allowed me to remain curious.

I understand exactly how you feel when you mentioned that she's the most beautiful woman you have ever seen yet for some strange reason gets paranoid over a glance at another woman. It's weird isn't it? It's something she needs to work on, it's simple insecurity and trust issues. She could use your patience, honesty and transparency. If you love this woman you should have no trouble over that, give her access to your phone, your computer, nothing to hide. You are sadly, paying for the sins of her exs, but be patient with her, and she's all yours. Eventually she'll come to realise how silly she's being.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Update: So tonight she told me she's moving to another state in June. She states I have too many exes and that I'm a ***** (I have as many exes as she does) and can't be around to see when I'm happy with someone else.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> My girlfriend and I had something similar, she never blew up like yours did however. She eventually came to understand over time, the moment of truth being when I was staring at a woman at a counter while waiting at the doctors years ago, she looked like a goldfish, I never imagined how someone could have their face so... 'thin', yet eyes so 'apart'. After a good 30 seconds of full on non-blinking staring, my girlfriend was wondering how the hell I could possibly find her 'attractive'. Then I turned to my girlfriend and asked her 'have you ever seen a goldf...'" in which she interjected with a laugh, cause she realised it too. Since then, she's allowed me to remain curious.
> 
> I understand exactly how you feel when you mentioned that she's the most beautiful woman you have ever seen yet for some strange reason gets paranoid over a glance at another woman. It's weird isn't it? It's something she needs to work on, it's simple insecurity and trust issues. She could use your patience, honesty and transparency. If you love this woman you should have no trouble over that, give her access to your phone, your computer, nothing to hide. You are sadly, paying for the sins of her exs, but be patient with her, and she's all yours. Eventually she'll come to realise how silly she's being.


Thanks for your reply. That's exactly how I feel. Who messed this girl up this bad? He needs to be punched in the face!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> Update: So tonight she told me she's moving to another state in June. She states I have too many exes and that I'm a *** (I have as many exes as she does) and can't be around to see when I'm happy with someone else.


WTF...? She's moving? That's her excuse?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> If you love this woman you should have no trouble over that, give her access to your phone, your computer, nothing to hide. You are sadly, paying for the sins of her exs, but be patient with her, and she's all yours. Eventually she'll come to realise how silly she's being.


Actually some crazy people don't come to their senses after they get somebody to push around.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> WTF...? She's moving? That's her excuse?


That's what she says. I find it bogus considering shes planning this almost a few year out


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> Actually some crazy people don't come to their senses after they get somebody to push around.


I know and I get this. I'm not a push over by any means. I know my worth. Funny thing is she tells me the same. It's like we're at this constant standoff or something.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TRose said:


> I know and I get this. I'm not a push over by any means. I know my worth. Funny thing is she tells me the same. It's like we're at this constant standoff or something.


She has problems, and if you want to stay w/ her she has to fix them. People can and do make big changes in themselves, but she doesn't seem inclined and is moving anyway so it may not be worth asking her to change. What you should never do is let someone put a leash on you, which she wants to do.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

This was part of our conversation a little while ago.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s got bigger problems than you need to be dealing with. And, no, you can’t remain friends. That doesn’t work with people like her. Almost a year’s notice that she’s moving? Nope. There’s an agenda there. Just back away and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> Thanks for your reply. That's exactly how I feel. Who messed this girl up this bad? He needs to be punched in the face!


You know what? Someone might have not treated her right in the past. But the way she handles it is her responsibility. For all you know, she's always been like this. There are just some people who are insecure and jealous.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Openminded said:


> She’s got bigger problems than you need to be dealing with. And, no, you can’t remain friends. That doesn’t work with people like her. Almost a year’s notice that she’s moving? Nope. There’s an agenda there. Just back away and move on.


I agree. What do you think the agenda is though?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> This was part of our conversation a little while ago.


Geez, why are you putting up with this? Nothing is worth putting up with crazy. 

Do you know if she really is planning to move or if she's just using that as a threat to get you to beg her to stay?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> I agree. What do you think the agenda is though?


The agenda is to scare you so you will end any and all contact with any other woman. 

It sounds like she's emotionally abusive. This is what abusers do. They emotionally beat on you until you give up your friends, don't even be polite and say hi to someone you run across in public. The goal is to isolate you so that she's the only person in your life and so that you are afraid of having anyone else in your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TRose said:


> I agree. What do you think the agenda is though?


She’s holding out the threat that she’ll move away, and you’ll never see her again, to keep you in line. I doubt she really thinks you’ll end it but she threw that out there just in case.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TRose said:


> This was part of our conversation a little while ago.


My girlfriend would never resort to name calling as such, maybe it's just the way you two talk, but she has to do her part too. Blowing things out of proportion like that calling you a *****, unless it's that time of the month... just no.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TRose said:


> Update: So tonight she told me she's moving to another state in June. She states I have too many exes and that I'm a *** (I have as many exes as she does) and can't be around to see when I'm happy with someone else.


Erm... I take it back, yours is a whole new level of crazy.






Stay below the danger zone.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TRose said:


> Update: So tonight she told me she's moving to another state in June. She states I have too many exes and that I'm a *** (I have as many exes as she does) and can't be around to see when I'm happy with someone else.


Awesome! Now do yourself a favour and dump her.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Look at it from a different perspective... She may be great in bed, or a great cook, but what about the other 22-23 hours of the day?

If she is not a decent person to be around due her insecurities, your appreciation of her looks will become nullified, and resentment will eventually follow... That or you will be one tortured soul.

Sounds like the universe is looking out for you with how things are going...


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> My girlfriend would never resort to name calling as such, maybe it's just the way you two talk, but she has to do her part too. Blowing things out of proportion like that calling you a ***, unless it's that time of the month... just no.


That time of the month does not give a woman carte blanch to call her partner names... That is just purely disrespectful, undisciplined, and immature.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know if she really is planning to move or if she's just using that as a threat to get you to beg her to stay?


I wondered this too!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> That's what she says. I find it bogus considering shes planning this almost a few year out


She's trying to make you chase her!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She doesn't have friends, she is already trying to isolate you from yours. Not good signs. 

I don’t think there was a guy in the past who treated her badly that’s why she is so paranoid. She simply is wired that way. I chose to stay away from high drama people like this.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP, she's about to go full on nut job with you. She was unstable and irrational to begin with and now this with the move?

My BF went through this with an ex girlfriend a year ago, same irrational jealous behavior. She wouldn't let him go out with his friends, stalked every move he made, chewed him out if a female facebook friend "liked" anything he posted, always accused him of cheating type behaviors. She'd leave work and check up on him if she found out he was out with the guys on one of his days off. She'd show up and cause a scene. She couldn't stand to be around women who she thought were prettier than she was and would accuse him of wanting them.

At the end, when he reached the end of his rope and broke up with her she totally lost it. She went as far trying to break into his house then threatened to shoot him when he arrived. Then would text him a couple of weeks later like everything was A-OK and ask how he was doing and say she missed him. Totally bonkers.

Your girl sounds just like this woman. Same behavior. You need to tread carefully with her because there is a ton of drama heading your way.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I feel for you OP. My BF was with this woman for almost two years, the first year being pretty good, he loved her and they talked about moving in with each other eventually. Like you, he didn't recognize the red flags in the beginning so wasn't equipped to deal with her very effectively.

The last several months were really bad and when he did break up with her it crushed him. She did have her good days and she could be sweet to him. It was rough for him. But he realized her behavior was something he couldn't help her with because, like your GF, she denied being part of the problem. It was all him according to her. 

She still tries to contact him, she can't stand the fact that she no longer has control over him and gets angry that he doesn't respond to her, accusing him of not being there for her when she needs him. So bizarre. We hear all of this from mutual friends. You may have a long road ahead of you with your GF. 

You can't help her, no matter how much you care.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dude. RUN THE OTHER WAY.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Is she right? Do you keep in contact with exes? If so, I don’t blame her for being really pissed off about that part. But if you don’t, then yeah, she is psycho and you would do best to dump her and run. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I wondered this too!


I don't really know what to think anymore


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> I don't really know what to think anymore


well, you do not have to make any decisions right away. See how things are developing, but do not let yourself be manipulated.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Here's another clip of our conversations


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

TRose said:


> I agree. What do you think the agenda is though?


Who cares!!! 

She's a hot mess and will turn your life into a nightmare!!

Take this perfect opportunity to break up and please block her before she starts stalking you. 

I'm a 40 year old woman and I'm telling you, she's unstable!!

Run my friend!!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

TRose said:


> Here's another clip of our conversations


She's good. She's deflecting, turning your attention away from her own behavior and pointing the finger at you but she's making "we" statements to make it look like she's not blaming you. Total mind ****.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

from these texts it looks like she is not as much in love with you as you are with her. Looks much more one-sided.

She thinks you are toxic to each other.

Are you calling each other names when arguing? That would be a big no-no (from someone who went through name calling marriage)

And - why don't you have this conversation face to face, instead of texing?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, just no.

Some men are so drawn to beauty that they’ll excuse stuff they shouldn’t and stay. If there’s no truth in what she says then move on. And don’t stay in contact.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> from these texts it looks like she is not as much in love with you as you are with her. Looks much more one-sided.
> 
> She thinks you are toxic to each other.
> 
> ...


She claims to love me more and sometimes I feel that but not all the time. I have asked on many occasions to have an in person conversation but she refuses.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is your plan?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> I have asked on many occasions to have an in person conversation but she refuses.


wow.... another big issue. You must be really in love to accept all that crap from her


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yeah, a good break up seems best called for here.

And just do it, one sentence, short, clear, then be gone.

This type of insane communication will keep you insane, because you expect it should make at least some sense, have some logic.

Accept that it doesn't. 

Can you say...Freeedoommm!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> I don't really know what to think anymore


I don't know...she's really delusional, I feel bad to say this but you may have no other choice but to end it? If she doesn't do therapy, it may get worse. This is no way for you to live. I didn't think it was to this extent.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One of the hardest things, sometimes, that an individual has a hard time realizing is that sometimes others are out and out lying.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Update: now she is telling me not to contact her anymore. She had the shades of her house (the back of her house faces mine) drawn for days now


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> Update: now she is telling me not to contact her anymore. She had the shades of her house (the back of her house faces mine) drawn for days now


Oblige. Permamently.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TRose said:


> Update: now she is telling me not to contact her anymore. She had the shades of her house (the back of her house faces mine) drawn for days now


Respect what she says. Just stop talking to her. Let this one go, do not participate in the drama anymore.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Respect what she says. Just stop talking to her. Let this one go, do not participate in the drama anymore.


I know I should but I won't. I'll give her some space though


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> I know I should but I won't. I'll give her some space though


sigh...She keeps telling you rather directly that this is not working for her.
you going for big heart ache. and a lot of drama


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> sigh...She keeps telling you rather directly that this is not working for her.
> you going for big heart ache. and a lot of drama


I get that but it's not working for her because of her insecurities. She won't work for anyone if she doesn't work for me. Not that I'm the best there is but I'm very understanding.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> I get that but it's not working for her because of her insecurities. She won't work for anyone if she doesn't work for me. Not that I'm the best there is but I'm very understanding.


You see youself as her savior, knight on the white horse. Nobody can save her, but her, and she is not interested. You won't make her happy. You won't make her more secure. You are showing her that she can disrespect you, and you still will be there, waiting. 

Good luck to you. You'll need it


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> You see youself as her savior, knight on the white horse. Nobody can save her, but her, and she is not interested. You won't make her happy. You won't make her more secure. You are showing her that she can disrespect you, and you still will be there, waiting.
> 
> Good luck to you. You'll need it


Thanks I'm just a hopeless romantic that can't get her to understand I'm loyal to her and this worrying isn't necessary


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> Thanks I'm just a hopeless romantic that can't get her to understand I'm loyal to her and this worrying isn't necessary


1. She will always worry, no matter what. nothing to do with your loyalty

2. Just because you love her , doesn't mean she loves you. 

3. You are not listening to her. she is telling you straight to leave her alone. Why do you think you know better what she wants than she does?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> sigh...She keeps telling you rather directly that this is not working for her.
> you going for big heart ache. and a lot of drama



As she's your neighbor and locked in to living next to you she may call the cops and say you're stalking her.

Be aware at this point she has told you to leave her alone. Literally. 

And if you keep trying to talk to her remember - no matter how you two got to this stage you are where you are TODAY.

She can frame it whoever she chooses; right, wrong, partial truths when she tells the cops or friends you won't leave her alone.

I'm sharing this objective view for your own protection. 

Is there a chance she at this point just wants to break up and move on.......and it's you that won't believe it or get on board with the fact that this relationship is now over?

Kindly, is it time for a quiet moment to reflect on your part?


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> 1. She will always worry, no matter what. nothing to do with your loyalty
> 
> 2. Just because you love her , doesn't mean she loves you.
> 
> 3. You are not listening to her. she is telling you straight to leave her alone. Why do you think you know better what she wants than she does?


Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


then be prepared for lifetime of this.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


Leave her alone. Do you listen to yourself? This is getting gross.

Stop. Just stop.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things



Say every person who may not want to accept their gf/bf to break up with them.

She might be changing her stance to it's not you, but me, to try and break up.

The only way you'll know, and it's the only way, is to not contact her for the next few weeks at least.

That's a win win.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

be careful not to become a stalker


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TRose said:


> Update: now she is telling me not to contact her anymore. She had the shades of her house (the back of her house faces mine) drawn for days now


Well, she doesn't sound like the delusional stalker type to me. She just told you not to contact her anymore, so don't. And when she lifts the shades in the next couple of weeks because she wants to let the sun shine in, don't take that as a sign.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Update: I'm going to leave 


lucy999 said:


> Leave her alone. Do you listen to yourself? This is getting gross.
> 
> Stop. Just stop.


What do you mean by that?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


You don’t get to decide what she wants or how she feels. Respect her wish and leave her alone. Don’t be a creepy pathetic stalker. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

TRose said:


> Thanks I'm just a hopeless romantic that can't get her to understand I'm loyal to her and this worrying isn't necessary


Mate, take it from a former Knight In Shining Armour... It will suck for you severing ties with this person, but if you don't, you are going to lose yourself, day by day, until you realise months/years down the track what a waste it all has been. 

You will either begin to see her for who she truly is, or be so bloody depressed you can't think straight, will most likely lose all your friends, and then wonder how in the world you got to this point?

I mean this in the best possible way, you need to pull your head out of your arse and take a step back to see the situation for what it really is.

Take off the 'hopeless romantic' glasses, before it becomes just hopeless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone.


She told you to not contact her anymore. Was it in text? If it was she even has proof she told you that. If you contact her again, she can call the police on you for stalking and get a restraining order against you.



TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


You need to stop this. Now you are being crazy-making. She told her to leaver her along. What you think she really meant does not matter. What she actually said and her actual behavior (refusing to talk to you in person, keep her blinds closed, her words) are what matters.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> She told you to not contact her anymore. Was it in text? If it was she even has proof she told you that. If you contact her again, she can call the police on you for stalking and get a restraining order against you.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to stop this. Now you are being crazy-making. She told her to leaver her along. What you think she really meant does not matter. What she actually said and her actual behavior (refusing to talk to you in person, keep her blinds closed, her words) are what matters.


Hi Tara lol


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


She probably doesn't want you to leave her alone, but, if I know women (and I am one), I would leave her alone...there's nothing more attractive to women than someone they can't track down. Let her come after you/chase you...I can bet she will.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> Update: I'm going to leave
> 
> What do you mean by that?


I mean this whole thing is a hot mess. She called you a ***** (that was her, right? Not you?), you're romanticising this relationship, you're not listening to her.

@EleGirl is right. (She is not your gf. She has been a long-time member and moderator here). Your gf has it in writing to leave her alone--she's leaving. Lose her number.

I don't say this to be cruel. Truly I don't. But I would swear you two are in your early 20s by the way you're behaving. Super immature.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's delusional thinking involved in this, for sure, and it may be one or both parties. But OP, do you know how arrogant and disrespectful it is to think you know her mind better than she does? I mean, I don't know if she will come back after all this, but neither do you and you're acting stalkerish because you can't take no for an answer. I do know that this relationship will never be healthy because seems like there's delusional thinking on one or both sides. You think you know her mind better than her and are a 'Hopeless romantic" after she's told you to stop contacting her, and she is either imagining or not that you're looking at other women, after you already told us you were very visual and after we know a lot of men won't stop looking at other women. I doubt she's imagining that, though for sure she may have her fair share of insecurity. But you can't fix that if that's the case, and I'm not sure it is.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's freaking rude to you. That last text screen? Why would you EVER want to spend time with someone who could say those things to you? She's simply awful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just now looked at those text messages, and she called it right when she said you two were toxic to each other.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TRose said:


> I know I should but I won't. I'll give her some space though


Then why are you here?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to leave her alone, @TRose


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TRose said:


> I know I should but I won't.


Then it sounds like you know what we know and we can't really help you any more. 

What a good time for me to check out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As more details are revealed, the more crazy this relationship sounds from both parties.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things


Are you prone to boarding the crazy-train? The way each of you are handling this with the other lacks respect and real consideration. All-aboard!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TRose said:


> Update: now she is telling me not to contact her anymore. She had the shades of her house (the back of her house faces mine) drawn for days now





TRose said:


> Because I don't believe she wants me to actually leave her alone. I think she feels betrayed by the things she's created in her head. She's stated numerous times she loves me more than I love her and has come back time and time again after getting upset about these kind of things





TRose said:


> I know I should but I won't. I'll give her some space though


I don't know if you are actually sound of mind, or you're getting into the obsessive/compulsive behavior of those pathetic men that they fix on any female that gives them any attention and won't let go because that's all they have in their miserable pathetic life. But your post are progressively starting to sound like it is YOU the problem, and she is trying to get away from YOU.

Listen dude who do you think you are to actually disregard this woman wishes. If she was my relative, and I were to know your thoughts/behavior about her, I would take care of you (legally or otherwise) to make sure you would not bother her anymore.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

@Rob_1 You don't know me bro. Get lost!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No, I don't know you. But, in this forum we are starting to see you through your thought process, and it is not looking too good.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> No, I don't know you. But, in this forum we are starting to see you through your thought process, and it is not looking too good.


Nobody asked you. This matter has been resolved. Get lost


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yes. You did. You came here ASKING.


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## TRose (Aug 15, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes. You did. You came here ASKING.


I didn't ask you for your opinion of me. Again you don't know me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

.... And now we are getting a clearer picture of it all!


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

I foresee a restraining order in your future.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TRose said:


> Nobody asked you. This matter has been resolved. Get lost


How has it been resolved? What did you decide to do?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRose said:


> Nobody asked you. This matter has been resolved. Get lost


@TRose You came here seeking help. 

Being rude to people who are trying to offer you their help is against the TAM rules.

Stop doing it or you risk getting banned.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Let’s leave the OP alone. Let’s try to help people not scare them off. No one is going to want to open this forum if they get insulted. 

OP we are here if you need anything.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> .... And now we are getting a clearer picture of it all!


I get the sense the two of them are both a _little_ off. 

What happens next? I foresee her going out with some other guy to make him jealous, a fist fight ensuing, one of the guys going to jail, then her love-bombing him & claiming it was all a misunderstanding, and the downward spiral starting... 

Hope they don't procreate.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TRose said:


> I didn't ask you for your opinion of me. Again you don't know me.


Hearing the truth when you've been deluding yourself so long can come as a shock.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm on the other side.
I'm sorry but been in her shoes.Its so irritating and also disrespectful when she's with you and you look at other women.
My hubby did this and changed his behavior. I told him when he's with me to just not look,if he's alone he can look all he wants.
He's like you,looks at everything but deff will hold his stare at beautiful women.
You Can change,I know that 1st hand.If you love her put an effort to show her.

The FB stuff also not cool.Sorry you need to clear your FB,you don't need any models or single ladies on there.
Put an effort and see what happens, that's the only way you'll know if you will make it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

vivea said:


> I'm on the other side.
> I'm sorry but been in her shoes.Its so irritating and also disrespectful when she's with you and you look at other women.
> My hubby did this and changed his behavior. I told him when he's with me to just not look,if he's alone he can look all he wants.
> He's like you,looks at everything but deff will hold his stare at beautiful women.
> ...


Did you read this thread before replying?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Honestly; if I had been with a guy for a year and he was still displaying pics of himself with exes (whether they were on social media or hanging on the walls of his home) I wouldn't think we were in a serious relationship, either.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

My suggestion is RUN!... I went through that crap and never again. I met a woman that was attractive and nice. We got along well for about a year and then she started... If I was friendly with a checkout woman, cute or ugly, it didn't matter she would raise hell about me flirting with her. I got so I was afraid to say anything to any woman or look at them. However she could flirt with any guy she came across and I was supposed to accept it. What ended the relationship was when she came home one day and said she met a guy at work and he wanted her to move in with him and she wanted me to wait just in case it didn't work out so she could come back to me. I kicked her ass out and left the state.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

There's nothing wrong with looking at other women, so long as you don't stare or do it in a creepy way or flirt with them. It's healthy and normal. She sound's very insecure. 
The best thing you can do is say this to her and dump her. There are plenty of women out there, if you end up stuck with her because you're too ***** and desperate to let her go then you'll regret it.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Did you read this thread before replying?


Yes entirely. Why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yes entirely. Why?


Because he says that he does not look at other women but she accuses him of doing it anyway. He cannot stop doing what he is not doing.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Because he says that he does not look at other women but she accuses him of doing it anyway. He cannot stop doing what he is not doing.


I disagree. 
What he says is that he stares at everything and everybody. But she has noticed he stares at beautiful females,there is no way he just stares at things/people 100%of the time pointlessly, like he's not present in his mind.I call this BS.

The issue is complicated and hard to explain but I've seen my partner in the past look at everybody and everything but deff holds his stare at beautiful ladies .He has said the same to me" ohh I didn't stare,I didn't even notice"...ohh you can tell he noticed .When he looks at other things ,ppl he just glimpses but if its pretty girl its not just a glimpse but a few.
I get it guys stare ,they stare at me too.Upsets me when they are w a partner .My hubby learned to not do this to me.

He might not realize but I bet you there is her side of the story.
Just trying to give another perspective .Her insecurities might be just because of his behavior.He's so in love but no indication she exists on FB/social media.
Her behavior is not cool too,don't like the fact she doesn't want to go to therapy w him .Its hard to get the whole picture with just his side. If she says her side of the story we all probably will tell her to run for the hills.
I'm only commenting on specifics of the problem because of my own experiences,of course I'm unsure if that is their true problem.Im only commenting on what he has shared and giving him another angle.


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## I.T. Guy (Oct 7, 2012)

TRose said:


> Thanks for your reply but in all honesty I don't look at the women she's accusing me off. I love my GF and respect her. I was raised to respect women and thats exactly what I do.


Did you not look at your current girlfriend? Did you not find her attractive and check her out before she became your GF?
Of COURSE you did. 
It is NOT disrespectful to check out women.
It is NOT disrespectful to check out other women even though you have a girlfriend.
You tell her that of COURSE you like to check out other women, but you love her.

If you tell her you don't check out other women, she knows that you are just a liar.

So be honest. Tell her you love her, but you DO find other women attractive, and you are going to check them out. If she gets pissed off, then let her be pissed off.

I'd recommend that you don't rub it in her face that you are checking out other girls - but if she gets pissy then you need to set her free.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

vivea said:


> I disagree.
> What he says is that he stares at everything and everybody. But she has noticed he stares at beautiful females,there is no way he just stares at things/people 100%of the time pointlessly, like he's not present in his mind.I call this BS.
> 
> The issue is complicated and hard to explain but I've seen my partner in the past look at everybody and everything but deff holds his stare at beautiful ladies .He has said the same to me" ohh I didn't stare,I didn't even notice"...ohh you can tell he noticed .When he looks at other things ,ppl he just glimpses but if its pretty girl its not just a glimpse but a few.
> ...


Projecting your experience around YOUR partner looking at other women onto this poster's situation. No matter though, it seems OP is giving his topic a rest.


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## californian (Jan 28, 2010)

Because you always use plural “women” instead of “woman”, do you stare at multiple women at the same time when you do?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

I mean, setting aside whether the OP is being objective, and whether or not there are other issues going on there, I think it is _wrong_ to stare at people in general, and particularly unfair to your spouse/partner/significant other if you're staring at someone (be they male, female, undefined, whatever) they would be competing for your attention with.

It's OK to _look_. that's normal. A glance, and then look away. Enough to be aware of your surroundings and who is there. In fact, I think this is generally good practice. On the other hand, oogling, staring, undressing with your eyes, etc. are all not fair to do to your spouse or SO.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

TRose said:


> Also to elaborate a little further the latest blowup. So I'm a realtor and I use Facebook mostly for that purpose. She isn't on any kind of social media because she thinks it's stupid. Well the other day she went into a fake account she created to spy on another boyfriend and looked through my page. She then got mad saying that I have more female friends than male (not true) and questioned why I had so many female friends. My friends consist of people I went to high school or college with and aquantences I've met along the way nothing out of the ordinary. She then came across a couple of pictures of my exes (didn't know they were still on there but they're not anymore) I know, my bad.
> She states that she feels like she doesn't exist because there's not a picture of her on there. I promise you if I didn't think she would get mad for me putting a picture of us together on there it would be my profile pic. I've considered it and thought it would be a good idea.


So she spied by creating a fake account and created even more drama?

when are you gonna say it’s enough? She doesn’t respect you and she has some serious problems that you can’t fix for her!

this is a VERY long life with anyone that makes you miserable by being jealous without any reason.

she isn’t reasonable and now she’s being sneaky and using info against you! Tell me, why does THAT look like love to you? It shouldn’t!


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## bill_1062 (6 mo ago)

I'm in the same boat. My GF does the same thing. Happens all the time in public places or just driving down the road when a woman is walking on the sidewalk. It may be just a glance but that's enough to start an argument. That is a human thing to do. I'd glance at a guy or a kid too. The last time this happened was on July 4th at a convenience store. We pulled into the parking spot and another female was getting into their car next to us. I glanced (not staring) and she accused me again. I went off on her for being paranoid and saying I can't take this anymore and I'm NOT putting up with your abuse anymore. A big argument on the way to her place. I ended up going home afterwards. Haven't seen her since. I'm pretty sure we're done after 2.5 years. It's a HORRIBLE way to live and that's just one issue of many with her.


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## bill_1062 (6 mo ago)

I'm in the same boat. My GF does the same thing. Happens all the time in public places or just driving down the road when a woman is walking on the sidewalk. It may be just a glance but that's enough to start an argument. That is a human thing to do. I'd glance at a guy or a kid too. The last time this happened was on July 4th at a convenience store. We pulled into the parking spot and another female was getting into their car next to us. I glanced (not staring) and she accused me again. I went off on her for being paranoid and saying I can't take this anymore and I'm NOT putting up with your abuse anymore. A big argument on the way to her place. I ended up going home afterwards. Haven't seen her since. I'm pretty sure we're done after 2.5 years. It's a HORRIBLE way to live and that's just one issue of many with her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zombie thread 2 years old


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat says "It's an old, old thread. So it must be shut down."


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