# Husband Not Interested in Sex



## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

I’m sure I’m the complete opposite of most women. Well at least I am opposite of all of my married friends. Just a little about me. I’m 38. H is 40. We have 2 boys age 15 and 10. For the most part our marraige is great. We don’t argue often and we share a lot of the same interests. 

The main problem is the lack of sex! I usually only get it once every other week. Right now we are at 3 weeks with no sex or physical contact. It’s been like this most of our marraige but now I’m starting to resent him for it. 

I tried initiating a couple weeks ago and got shot down. My god that hurt like hell. I promised myself I would never initiate again because that rejection is something I cant handle. 

I know I have a higher sex drive than most women. I’ve found myself masterbating to porn during the day and getting myself off at night to it once he falls asleep. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Is 3-4 times a week too much to ask?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Actually, you are not unusual for a woman wanting a good, healthy sex life. Here are two threads that might help you realize this.

As women, we are told that men want sex all the time. So if our husband does not want sex, we tend to blame ourselves. But as it turns out, men withhold sex about as often as women do. 

Sadly, it sounds like you and your husband are not sexually compatible.

Read at least the first few pages of both of these threads. The "Sex Starved Wife" thread has info on several sources that you might find helpful.

*Women - what's your sex drive like? *

*The Sex Starved Wife* 

Do you think that your husband might be angry with you and this is why he's not that interested in sex?

Does your husband use a lot of pornography that you are aware of.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

No, your not asking to much, your husband is abnormal.

You said it's been this way for most of your marriage, what about the other part? Did any major events take place around the time that things changed?


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Thanks for the links. I’ll check those out in a few. It’s good to hear I’m not alone. Sure feels that way when I bring this topic up with friends. Their husbands want it daily so I assume something HAS to be wrong with me. 

He doesn’t do porn. I’ve checked his phones/iPads/computers over the years and never found anything. I even put a tracker on his phone a couple years into our marraige because I just knew he had to be having an affair since I wasn’t getting any. I’m not the insecure type or anything. I just wanted to be informed if this was the case. I never found any evidence that either of these were going on and I’ve come to grips that my husband just isn’t as interested in sex as I am. 

No I do not think he’s upset with me about anything. Like I said we get along great. We just have little to no intimacy. I don’t know how guys can stay in sexless marriages. After about a week I’m sexually frustrated. 

Now I’m at the point that I’m resentful towards him. I just want to feel some kind of affection from him even if it’s not sex at this point. 

Idk what to do. I feel trapped. I’ve tried talking to him about this before but he ends up with hurt feelings.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

BioFury said:


> No, your not asking to much, your husband is abnormal. But what the rest of the population isn't going to help you in your marriage.
> 
> You said it's been this way for most of your marriage, what about the other part? Did any major events take place around the time that things changed?


When I say “most” I’m referring to the time after the honeymoon phase. We’ve been married for 16 years. 17 next month. I’d say the first 2 years or so we’d have sex maybe 5 times a week. Now it’s every other week or every other month. 

No major events that I can recall. This all started after the honeymoon phase.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Has you husband ever had his TLvls checked?

What a lot of people don't realize, when testosterone levels drop in a man, there is little to no thought of sex.

Stupid question, have you talked to him about an acceptable amount of sex?

If you have, does he recognize you need more than what he currently is offering?

IF he does and wants to keep a happy marriage, do you know if he's willing to go see a doctor and get his TLvls checked?


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Your sex drive seems totally normal. Both men and woman crave sex equally and I consider a sexless marriage to be abuse (assuming no mental or health problems). I've heard stats (US Psych Assoc?) stating that 10-times per year is officially classed as sexless, and you're getting closer to that all the time. 

Does your H get "morning glory"? I assume most men often wake up with a morning "chubby" and there is nothing sweeter than half-asleep sex - none of the potential pressures of top performing if that is an issue for him. 

Talking about it can be tricky, but is essential. Depending on his personality, you may think it just puts more pressure on him, but you need to find the issue. T-levels is obviously first. Is he fit? Healthy-ish diet? Any physical changes in either of you - weight gain by either party is a killer for some.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He is gay? :laugh:


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> He is gay? :laugh:




Or perhaps asexual. Pretty sure that’s what XH is. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Has he always had low drive or has this changed recently? If its a change, any medication, or other external things that might cause it. 

Its not talked about as much but low drive men exist and there are a fair number of women in your situation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You see references to H getting a complete physical; blood work, cardiac, etc. 

He's at that age to check on levels, and to get good base lines started for yearly check ups anyway.

That's first. Don't worry yet.

Also open a line of non-criticizing communication on the topic.

Do an individual inventory of your health as well, and time spent on husband vs time spent on kids. It's important to dedicate time solely to caring for hubby even on simple things.

M can be simple, you'd be surprised on what we appreciate and take to heart.

It may certainly be him, he may feel marginalized in the household, wrongly or maybe rightly. 

He may have a problem of his own on misplacing his priorities and you may need to grab him and get his attention, see my above comments on communicating clearly to him sex to you is important. 

You're not unusual in wanting a good sex life in marriage. 

Go for it. Usually it's not as hard as it seems to get to the solution. 

Don't think the worst until the his physical is complete, and a little more research.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Insist he gets his testosterone levels checked. If they are too low, he'll have problems being interested in sex and getting aroused. Have there been any big physical changes in him over the years, such as gaining a lot of weight, not exercising, being more sedentary? Those can be signs of low testosterone. What about depression? Has his mood greatly changed over time? Any of those things can kill a man's sex drive.

How much non-sexual intimacy do you have, such as hand-holding, sitting together, cuddling in bed, etc? One way to help him get in the mood is to make sure you go to bed at the same time and hold each other. That may not create an immediate reaction, but the closeness can sometimes get his engine started and make things easier to move to the next level.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Krissy1981 said:


> Thanks for the links. I’ll check those out in a few. It’s good to hear I’m not alone. Sure feels that way when I bring this topic up with friends. Their husbands want it daily so I assume something HAS to be wrong with me.
> 
> He doesn’t do porn. I’ve checked his phones/iPads/computers over the years and never found anything. I even put a tracker on his phone a couple years into our marraige because I just knew he had to be having an affair since I wasn’t getting any. I’m not the insecure type or anything. I just wanted to be informed if this was the case. I never found any evidence that either of these were going on and I’ve come to grips that my husband just isn’t as interested in sex as I am.
> 
> ...


He needs to get his T-Levels checked as well as investigating products such as Viagra.

Does he have trouble achieving / maintaining erections? If so, then the fear of not being able to perform is probably what's keeping him from trying.

You need to make it clear that there is a problem. Do not allow him to make you think that it's your problem. He needs to acknowledge that there's a issue and aggressively search for solutions (and there are plenty of these days).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

anti depressants? stress?
All I can say is that after a long time it becomes your normal. 
Normally unsatisfied, normally frustrated, Normally hopeless.
We were recovering from once a week up to twice a week when I started anti depressants. Now I just don't care. We go once every week or skip a week or skip 2 weeks or skip 3 weeks. Just not worth getting it on.
sigh


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> Is 3-4 times a week too much to ask?


Depends on your age I suppose. I think 3-4 times a week is like a bare minimum. Any less would be a problem for me too. I really do not know how some people manage with less. When I travel on my own or when he travels on his own, I am struggling after three days.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> He is gay? :laugh:


Why the laugh? It does happen and it's absolutely devastating to learn your spouse is gay. Would you put a laughing face after asking if he were having an affair? Also a devastating discovery for a spouse.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

My advice is to ask for it when you want it anyway, even if you get shot down. The rejection really hurts, I know but the only way to get past this is to not let it bother you. I started getting angry, depressed, a little hurt when I got negative reactions to initiating.

Of course, my situation is reversed from you. My wife has no sex drive and I want it regularly. She doesn't say no if I ask less than twice a week now, but there was a couple of years there where I was lucky to do it once a month if not less. If more than twice a week, I start to get a bit of complaining. But there is also a legitimate discomfort/pain issue she deals with so I have to give her space. It is something we have to work through.

Honestly, I can do with once a week if it's consistent. Also, there are specific things that need to be in place (a glass of wine, kid asleep, not completely burnt out from a crazy day) so there is not "get some in the morning" and a quicky in the day is rare. Twice a week is great. Three times is probably ideal. I don't really have a high sex drive or much of one at all, necessarily. I just know that I like doing it with her and that I'll enjoy it.

I don't know why spouses say no. I think that if I was saying no and we weren't having sex, I'd fully expect she'd end up having sex with someone else. Do sex-withholders not think about this? And why do they seem surprised when their spouse leaves them or has an affair? When she was not wanting it with me, I had to wonder she was doing it with someone else. It turns out she wasn't. I'm surprised she wasn't concerned that I might cheat.

Ask for it more often. He'll say no or grump. Do it anyway. Eventually, it may force the issue. At that point, ask him to work with you on working a little spark into the relationship and have more sex. Get him to provide a solution that works for him (rather than suggest or demand, put it on him for a solution.) What ended up happening for us is that we have at least one "date night" per week that we open a bottle of wine and do it. Mid-week I ask if she'd like a massage, foot rub, or a glass of wine. She knows what I'm asking for and if it has been a few days she doesn't say no. That's what works for her, so you have to figure out what works for him.

Unfortunately, it will probably require a conversation. No one resolves this by waiting to see how long the spouse can go before finally initiating because you'll find they don't, sex becomes even rarer, then it becomes more difficult. I think the more often you're having it the expectation is there, it's a bit of a routine, and it becomes easier to get. Also, the increased affection and intimacy that is involved brings you a little closer so that it's easier to initiate more often.

That's my experience. Of course, my other half is a woman and women are different about their relationships then men are so I don't know how he'll handle this.

I find it fascinating that there is a man that passes up sex. Sex drive or not, I like it. Maybe I just have a dirty mind.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> Why the laugh? It does happen and it's absolutely devastating to learn your spouse is gay. Would you put a laughing face after asking if he were having an affair? Also a devastating discovery for a spouse.


I guess it was a touch insensitive... apologies...


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Buddy400 said:


> You need to make it clear that there is a problem. Do not allow him to make you think that it's your problem. He needs to acknowledge that there's a issue and aggressively search for solutions (and there are plenty of these days).


Have you sat in on one of my conversations with him? This is EXACTLY what he does. I walk away from our conversations thinking something has to be wrong with me for wanting intimacy.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

JamesTKirk said:


> My advice is to ask for it when you want it anyway, even if you get shot down. The rejection really hurts, I know but the only way to get past this is to not let it bother you. I started getting angry, depressed, a little hurt when I got negative reactions to initiating.
> 
> Of course, my situation is reversed from you. My wife has no sex drive and I want it regularly. She doesn't say no if I ask less than twice a week now, but there was a couple of years there where I was lucky to do it once a month if not less. If more than twice a week, I start to get a bit of complaining. But there is also a legitimate discomfort/pain issue she deals with so I have to give her space. It is something we have to work through.
> 
> ...


I think the rejection for a woman is worse than a man IMO. We’re used to men hunting us all our lives so when we get shot down it stings. Also this wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot down. This was the third time in the last few weeks. I feel like I’m begging at this point.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Krissy1981 said:


> The main problem is the lack of sex! I usually only get it once every other week. Right now we are at 3 weeks with no sex or physical contact. It’s been like this most of our marraige but now I’m starting to resent him for it.


So most of your marriage has been this way, this isn't a new development?


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

No unfortunately this is nothing new. It’s gradually gotten worse over time. I’m actually surprised I haven’t looked elsewhere for sex. I’m finding that not having it is starting to affect my sleep. Anyone else dealing with this?

I want to talk to him about getting T levels checked but just the thought of that convo makes me nervous. Someone mentioned both of us getting full physicals. It’s a brilliant idea. That will definitely be the way I go about it. That way we don’t have to have that uncomfortable conversation.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Krissy1981 said:


> No unfortunately this is nothing new. It’s gradually gotten worse over time. I’m actually surprised I haven’t looked elsewhere for sex. I’m finding that not having it is starting to affect my sleep. Anyone else dealing with this?
> 
> I want to talk to him about getting T levels checked but just the thought of that convo makes me nervous. Someone mentioned both of us getting full physicals. It’s a brilliant idea. That will definitely be the way I go about it. That way we don’t have to have that uncomfortable conversation.


I'm sorry to say that you probably will still have to have it. Checking T levels is not something routinely done by many practitioners. Your husband may have to ask to have them checked. If he doesn't, he could very well come home from his appointment declaring he's in perfect health having never had them checked.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Krissy1981 said:


> No unfortunately this is nothing new. It’s gradually gotten worse over time. I’m actually surprised I haven’t looked elsewhere for sex. I’m finding that not having it is starting to affect my sleep. Anyone else dealing with this?
> 
> I want to talk to him about getting T levels checked but just the thought of that convo makes me nervous. Someone mentioned both of us getting full physicals. It’s a brilliant idea. That will definitely be the way I go about it. That way we don’t have to have that uncomfortable conversation.


The problem is, a physical in no way guarantees getting his T checked, as most doctors typically don't even consider checking this.

IDK, honestly, I would be surprised if it is a T issue b/c as you mentioned, it has been like this for what sounds like most of your marriage. Odds are if it was a T issue, you would have seen a dropoff more recently. My only thoughts are a) he is gay b) he is just not into you sexually c) he is having an affair, d) has some childhood trauma around sexual abuse


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm sorry to say that you probably will still have to have it. Checking T levels is not something routinely done by many practitioners. Your husband may have to ask to have them checked. If he doesn't, he could very well come home from his appointment declaring he's in perfect health having never had them checked.


I kind of figured the T levels would be something I’d have to bring up to the doctor when scheduling. I read online that T levels are checked by a simple blood test. I would make sure I speak to the doc beforehand. I think it’s doable since I’m the one who schedules stuff like that anyway.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Krissy1981 said:


> I think the rejection for a woman is worse than a man IMO. We’re used to men hunting us all our lives so when we get shot down it stings. Also this wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot down. This was the third time in the last few weeks. I feel like I’m begging at this point.




It only feels that way because it is personal. Read more threads here and you will see rejection is always hard to accept regardless of male or female. Strip away what society tells you that men or woman are expected to do or not do and you are left with an individual that wants their partner to be as enthusiastic about physical intimacy as they are. 

Have you explicitly had the talk about how unhappy you are with the situation (not him but the situation)? I’m not talking about being upset about instances of rejection but rather the whole pattern.

If this is a change in behavior from when you were dating/honeymoon period then I would look for causes. My first inclination would be to look for a medical cause. Don’t make the mistake I did and assume that because all the equipment works that there isn’t a problem. I didn’t get help for more than 10 years because of this assumption. I’m now on HRT and can’t believe what I’ve missed with libido being at the top of the list. If there isn’t a medical problem then look for other causes as mentioned already in this thread. 

If it isn’t a change in behavior then you will have to adjust including learning how to handle rejection. Including how to negotiate immediately for the next opportunity. 

When I say negotiate I don’t mean whine, beg, cry, etc but rather stating your intentions plainly about the next opportunity. 

If your husband does not work to understand your hurt and do something about it you are nothing more than roommates. If you can’t be happy with the situation, release your marriage and find someone that has the same view of physical intimacy as you do.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> IDK, honestly, I would be surprised if it is a T issue b/c as you mentioned, it has been like this for what sounds like most of your marriage. Odds are if it was a T issue, you would have seen a dropoff more recently. My only thoughts are a) he is gay b) he is just not into you sexually c) he is having an affair, d) has some childhood trauma around sexual abuse


Well I can rule out him being gay, affairs, and sexual abuse. I thought he was having affairs when this first started and I started investigating. Turned out nothing. Plus he has zero time to cheat. I know where he is at all times. It’s either work or home. The thought of him not being into me sexually never crossed my mind but I guess that's possible. Man that hurts. Maybe we’re just better off as friends and coparents? But almost 17 years down the drain makes me sick to my stomach.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Krissy1981 said:


> I kind of figured the T levels would be something I’d have to bring up to the doctor when scheduling. I read online that T levels are checked by a simple blood test. I would make sure I speak to the doc beforehand. I think it’s doable since I’m the one who schedules stuff like that anyway.


As someone who works in the medical field, I'm still not sure this would work. You'd have to schedule the appointment not as a physical but as a specific appointment to discuss lack of libido. And you'd be scheduling it with the secretary, not the actual doctor. Your husband would arrive thinking it was a physical and the doctor would start discussing his libido and not understand why the appointment was booked to discuss this and your husband didn't know. I imagine your husband would be quite angry about that.

Having dealt with the same problem with my husband, I can tell you that yes, the conversation is difficult. But, he's your husband. If you can't talk about the difficult stuff, how strong is your marriage? How close of a connection do you really have? That might give some insight into some of the problems in your marriage. It's hard to say which came first, a lack of connection caused by a lack of intimacy or vice versa. 

I had the difficult talk with my husband and got nowhere. He did have his T level checked, it was low, refused to do anything about it. Refused to try any PE drugs. That told me he simply didn't want me. And it turned out, he didn't want my sexually, he just wanted me emotionally, to be there to provide this family life for him. Without those tough conversations I'd still be stuck in a marriage that made me feel worthless and disgusting.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Krissy1981 said:


> Well I can rule out him being gay, affairs, and sexual abuse. I thought he was having affairs when this first started and I started investigating. Turned out nothing. Plus he has zero time to cheat. I know where he is at all times. It’s either work or home. The thought of him not being into me sexually never crossed my mind but I guess that's possible. Man that hurts. Maybe we’re just better off as friends and coparents? But almost 17 years down the drain makes me sick to my stomach.


Curious, why did you think he was having an affair at the start? Also, how did you rule him out as being gay (or possibly bi)?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Does he ogle other women? Does he masturbate? How old was he at his first sexual encounter? Do a little reading up on asexuality. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> As someone who works in the medical field, I'm still not sure this would work. You'd have to schedule the appointment not as a physical but as a specific appointment to discuss lack of libido. And you'd be scheduling it with the secretary, not the actual doctor. Your husband would arrive thinking it was a physical and the doctor would start discussing his libido and not understand why the appointment was booked to discuss this and your husband didn't know. I imagine your husband would be quite angry about that.
> 
> Having dealt with the same problem with my husband, I can tell you that yes, the conversation is difficult. But, he's your husband. If you can't talk about the difficult stuff, how strong is your marriage? How close of a connection do you really have? That might give some insight into some of the problems in your marriage. It's hard to say which came first, a lack of connection caused by a lack of intimacy or vice versa.
> 
> I had the difficult talk with my husband and got nowhere. He did have his T level checked, it was low, refused to do anything about it. Refused to try any PE drugs. That told me he simply didn't want me. And it turned out, he didn't want my sexually, he just wanted me emotionally, to be there to provide this family life for him. Without those tough conversations I'd still be stuck in a marriage that made me feel worthless and disgusting.


Well maybe I do need to have this conversation with him. The thought of spending another 17 years feeling like this is unbearable. We have a night off from kids every Wednesday. My mother takes them overnight. I need a bottle of wine before this convo.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> Curious, why did you think he was having an affair at the start? Also, how did you rule him out as being gay (or possibly bi)?


I think affairs are the first thing spouses think of when they aren’t getting any at home. Well at least it was for me. My father cheated on my mother practically their whole marraige. She waited 30 years to decide she had finally had enough. Funny story...My H and I went to my parent’s house to tell them we were engaged. That same day they told us they were getting a divorce. Naturally with this history thats the first thing I thought. 

Back when I first started investigating him I purchased this really cool program that allowed me to listen in on all of his phone calls. I got notifications when he received a text. I could see his email. I could even listen in to his surroundings when he wasn’t using the phone. The only thing I found out was that he was sponsoring a kid to play on our son’s select baseball team. This program is no longer available but I activated “Find My Friends” on his phone. I always know where he is. He has no time to cheat with anyone, man or woman. It’s work or home for him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Krissy1981 said:


> I want to talk to him about getting T levels checked but just the thought of that convo makes me nervous. Someone mentioned both of us getting full physicals. It’s a brilliant idea. That will definitely be the way I go about it. That way we don’t have to have that uncomfortable conversation.


Does he get angry at you when you try to have personal conversations? Give the silent treatment? Blame you?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Read: The Sex Starved Wife


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Krissy1981 said:


> I think affairs are the first thing spouses think of when they aren’t getting any at home. Well at least it was for me. My father cheated on my mother practically their whole marraige. She waited 30 years to decide she had finally had enough. Funny story...My H and I went to my parent’s house to tell them we were engaged. That same day they told us they were getting a divorce. Naturally with this history thats the first thing I thought.
> 
> *Back when I first started investigating him I purchased this really cool program that allowed me to listen in on all of his phone calls. I got notifications when he received a text. I could see his email. I could even listen in to his surroundings when he wasn’t using the phone. The only thing I found out was that he was sponsoring a kid to play on our son’s select baseball team. This program is no longer available but I activated “Find My Friends” on his phone. I always know where he is. He has no time to cheat with anyone, man or woman. It’s work or home for him.*


Does he know you did or are doing any of this? You are starting to sound awfully controlling TBH.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

turnera said:


> Does he get angry at you when you try to have personal conversations? Give the silent treatment? Blame you?


He blames me. I walk away feeling like everything is my fault.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Krissy1981 said:


> He blames me. I walk away feeling like everything is my fault.


See if any of this applies to you:
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> Does he know you did or are doing any of this? You are starting to sound awfully controlling.


LOL he doesn’t know. I doubt he’d care. He did nothing wrong. He would probably find it funny that I wasted so much time and energy investigating him only to find out he was being faithful all along. It was my insecurities playing out in my own marraige because of what happened to my parents. I realize this. I have the Find Friends now but I rarely check it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> He blames me. I walk away feeling like everything is my fault.


Just to be clear...it's not your fault

Needing to have your personnel physical needs met by your partner is NOT .... a fault.

So where does a lonely girl go from here:

This is the hard part .... you have to have the conversation, but I'm not talking about "Why can't you just want to have sex with me."

The conversation I'm talking about is the one that starts off without blame or question. It's the conversation that starts off with "I love you, you are important to me. As my
husband I love you. Our relationship is a vital part of who I am...."

Take it from there real slowly ...... warm him up.....let him know you love him.....but there is also something you need from him.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

I like the way you started the convo. This could work. I do tend to start with the sex part. Starting there never ends well. I think partly because by the time I decide to have this talk I’m overly frustrated and it just comes out rather than sitting and thinking it up beforehand. I’ll try tonight.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> I like the way you started the convo. This could work. I do tend to start with the sex part. Starting there never ends well. I think partly because by the time I decide to have this talk I’m overly frustrated and it just comes out rather than sitting and thinking it up beforehand. I’ll try tonight.


EXACTLY ..... Remember this is about love for each other and marriage.


Otherwise you could tell him you have decided to star in "Mrs. No Nailed Meets Mr. Big Hammer 3"

But seriously, don't do that because part 1 & 2 were terrible.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Krissy1981 said:


> I like the way you started the convo. This could work. I do tend to start with the sex part. Starting there never ends well. I think partly because by the time I decide to have this talk I’m overly frustrated and it just comes out rather than sitting and thinking it up beforehand. I’ll try tonight.


Yes, always better to start tough conversations like this when you are calm. And use the sandwich technique. Start with something positive, as in the example above. Then talk about what's missing. Then talk about why it's so important to you in positive terms "I want to feel closer to you, I want to express our love physically" etc. Also use a lot of "I" statements, not "you" statements. "I feel ____" not "You don't do ____" and you might have more luck. 

But at some point, you're going to have to let him know that the lack of intimacy will become a marriage ending issue for you. That it's not a threat but it just simply is something you can't live with for the rest of your life. You do not want to look back at this time 15 years from now and wish you'd ended things.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Great advice. I’m actually not dreading having this convo tonight. Sounds weird but I’m a little excited and hopeful.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Does he like his back scratched ?


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Yes he does


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> Yes he does


Good .... he does like being touched.

Cook his favorite meal as well.

Your going to have to pander to him a bit ...... warm him up.

Buy his favorite beer


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you have any cloths that you know he likes ...... wear it.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Sounds like I have a little planning to do LOL I just read the preview for “Sex Starved Wife” and immediately bought the e-book.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> Sounds like I have a little planning to do LOL I just read the preview for “Sex Starved Wife” and immediately bought the e-book.


Good ...knowledge is power. You may even consider holding off the conversation until you have done some reading and understand things better yourself. It will
give you some more ideas. Best to save up all you ammunition and have some wise planning before you go for it.

Put that resentment aside for a bit. Do your prep work ...... have a plan


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

For a little understanding of general human sexuality you can also read "Mating in Captivity" ..... but you can save that one for later.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

I’m off today. I’ve got the rest of the day to come up with a plan. I have to say something tonight. I don’t think I can put it off any longer. Plus we have no distractions with the kids being away.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> I’m off today. I’ve got the rest of the day to come up with a plan. I have to say something tonight. I don’t think I can put it off any longer. Plus we have no distractions with the kids being away.


Just remember this will be a road traveled .... it could take a little time. Don't expect a screaming orgasm tonight >

I've been in your shoes. You can get there but it takes time ..... but most of all it takes genuine COMPASSION for your partner and marriage.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

I’m expecting an orgasm tonight. With or without him. His choice LOL


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Krissy1981 said:


> I’m expecting an orgasm tonight. With or without him. His choice LOL



LOL ... good one

www.lovehoney.com is your friend.


Just remember ..... it takes time. Be patient and don't give up (I'm referring to him!)


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just for a little encouragement ...... Don't believe every single thread you read about sexless marriage. It will depress you and make you want to not try.

I turned it around with my wife ...... you can turn it around with your husband.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Just for a little encouragement ...... Don't believe every single thread you read about sexless marriage. It will depress you and make you want to not try.
> 
> I turned it around with my wife ...... you can turn it around with your husband.


Well....

.... your wife had to be a part of that.

Don't assume that you can't turn it around, but don't assume you can either. Lots of variables, most notably the spouse, who may or may not be open to such change

Getting depressed by all the sob stories and assuming you can't change your situation may lead to needless defeatism and the failure of a relationship which could have been salvageable.

But assuming you can change a situation that is not salvageable may result in years, decades, or an entire lifetime of frustration when cutting ties and moving on would have been far preferable.

There's simply no one answer for everyone. Optimism should be tempered with eyes open realism.


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## Krissy1981 (Mar 26, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> LOL ... good one
> 
> www.lovehoney.com is your friend.
> 
> ...


HA!! So is adameve.com :grin2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Krissy1981 said:


> I think the rejection for a woman is worse than a man IMO. We’re used to men hunting us all our lives so when we get shot down it stings. Also this wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot down. This was the third time in the last few weeks. I feel like I’m begging at this point.


Also, a woman could begin sexual activity even if she isn't in the mood to see if she gets in the mood.

Theoretically, a man could begin without an erection and see if he gets one, but the anxiety of seeing if the erection develops can actually prevent it from happening. It's possible that you could engage in non-PIV sex without an erection but, in my experience, most women find this unsatisfactory (an erection indicates that the man is aroused by the woman and this is often an essential part of a woman's sex drive).


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Go visit asexuality.org

Really. I found a LOT of valuable information there and found that my wife's behavior fits into fairly common patterns. See if your husbands' does as well. I honestly hadn't realized asexuality really existed.

I've spend decades beating myself up about what is wrong with *me*. Don't do that to yourself. 


A few cautions:
There are people who enjoy physical contact but don't want sex. This is hugely confusing to people with more typical reactions. My wife likes to hug and kiss - including quite passionate activities, but generally doesn't want sex. 


You can spend your life trying to find what works. Trying to figure out what magic thing you can do to make him want you. Trying to figure out what is wrong with you. Wondering if you are unattractive, or unskilled in bed, or a bad person, or unromantic. (as a guy, I spent ages being told to "man up" and "show confidence" etc etc). ITS NOT YOU. 









Krissy1981 said:


> No unfortunately this is nothing new. It’s gradually gotten worse over time. I’m actually surprised I haven’t looked elsewhere for sex. I’m finding that not having it is starting to affect my sleep. Anyone else dealing with this?
> 
> I want to talk to him about getting T levels checked but just the thought of that convo makes me nervous. Someone mentioned both of us getting full physicals. It’s a brilliant idea. That will definitely be the way I go about it. That way we don’t have to have that uncomfortable conversation.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Krissy1981 said:


> He blames me. I walk away feeling like everything is my fault.


He finds it easier to blame you than to deal with his own problems. That's terrible.

If this is ever going to get fixed, it's essential that he acknowledge the problem and work on solutions.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like you are already getting some great advice.

I don't think he is cheating.

That being said, don't rule out thinking a spouse doesn't have time, or they only go to work.

Unfortunately there are some people on this forum who said the same thing. 

There are unfortunately work place affairs. 

Affairs usually take time, money, texting and phone calls. 

But some don't. 

Crazy.

I am just putting this out there for others reading who may not know this.

I think you should get his T levels checked like others have said here.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Buddy400 said:


> Also, a woman could begin sexual activity even if she isn't in the mood to see if she gets in the mood.
> 
> Theoretically, a man could begin without an erection and see if he gets one, but the anxiety of seeing if the erection develops can actually prevent it from happening. It's possible that you could engage in non-PIV sex without an erection but, in my experience, most women find this unsatisfactory (an erection indicates that the man is aroused by the woman and this is often an essential part of a woman's sex drive).


The fact that you believe women find it unsatisfactory to begin sex with something besides PIV ........ nevermind :|


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> The fact that you believe women find it unsatisfactory to begin sex with something besides PIV ........ nevermind :|


If I understand Buddy's post, it's not that "women find it unsatisfactory to begin sex with something besides PIV" but rather that women (at least some significant percentage of them) like to see evidence of arousal. They are not going to get hot unless they think they are seriously desired. 

Of course this is an oversimplification and it may not be the case all the time for these women, but the thought has some merit. Women want to be desired and erection is easily perceived as concrete evidence of this.

I know my wife's much quicker to get into it if I'm already sporting a woody, even if I'm only engaging in non-intercourse foreplay. If there's too much effort required for me to get it up, the natural reaction is that I'm not into here which is, for her, a female woody waner. There are times she gets off on overcoming an apparent lack of interest on my part, but that's the exception rather than the rule.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> If I understand Buddy's post, it's not that "women find it unsatisfactory to begin sex with something besides PIV" but rather that women (at least some significant percentage of them) like to see evidence of arousal. They are not going to get hot unless they think they are seriously desired.
> 
> Of course this is an oversimplification and it may not be the case all the time for these women, but the thought has some merit. Women want to be desired and erection is easily perceived as concrete evidence of this.
> 
> I know my wife's much quicker to get into it if I'm already sporting a woody, even if I'm only engaging in non-intercourse foreplay. If there's too much effort required for me to get it up, the natural reaction is that I'm not into here which is, for her, a female woody waner. There are times she gets off on overcoming an apparent lack of interest on my part, but that's the exception rather than the rule.


That's it.

Thanks for saving me the typing!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> If I understand Buddy's post, it's not that "women find it unsatisfactory to begin sex with something besides PIV" but rather that women (at least some significant percentage of them) like to see evidence of arousal. They are not going to get hot unless they think they are seriously desired.
> 
> Of course this is an oversimplification and it may not be the case all the time for these women, but the thought has some merit. Women want to be desired and erection is easily perceived as concrete evidence of this.
> 
> I know my wife's much quicker to get into it if I'm already sporting a woody, even if I'm only engaging in non-intercourse foreplay. If there's too much effort required for me to get it up, the natural reaction is that I'm not into here which is, for her, a female woody waner. There are times she gets off on overcoming an apparent lack of interest on my part, but that's the exception rather than the rule.


I get what your saying but ....

A woman feeling wanted and pursued begins way before you enter the bedroom.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> I get what your saying but ....
> 
> A woman feeling wanted and pursued begins way before you enter the bedroom.


Of course. 

Doesn't change the meaning or validity of Buddy's post.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Krissy1981 said:


> I think the rejection for a woman is worse than a man IMO. We’re used to men hunting us all our lives so when we get shot down it stings. Also this wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot down. This was the third time in the last few weeks. I feel like I’m begging at this point.


That's really a cop-out excuse. It doesn't matter if you think it hurts you more than it hurts the typical man. It doesn't. Sure we're more used to if from our single years, but one benefit of being married is that you were supposed to not have to deal with that anymore.

The question is what you want to do to resolve it. Complaining to us, getting pissed, depressed, ignoring him, and running away doesn't solve anything. It usually makes it worse as any negativity you bring to it is met as an excuse to further reject you. I lived through it for roughly three years until I decided I'd had enough. I needed either an answer from her that she was "out" or a commitment from her to restore our affection and intimacy.

What I learned from that ordeal was why, and that's where you begin to work with it. You don't know WHY he's rejecting you. It could be physical attraction or the way you smell or maybe he is still attracted to you but something else is bothering him. Maybe he's just checked out and doesn't want to be with you anymore. You won't know until you confront him about it and initiating and getting rejected is probably your most direct route to initiating that conversation. "This is the fourth time in a row you haven't been interested. Can we talk about why?" Take your pick. I apologize if I seem unsympathetic (I very much an as I've been there myself) but saying you can't because it's harder for you as a woman doesn't work as an excuse with me.

Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, it took me a long time to get the courage to confront her my wife about it. Even worse is that she denied any problem making it really difficult to get to the bottom of it. But if you're really at this hopeless state, that may be your next best move assuming you really want to know the answer.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Most of us men crave a woman like you with a healthy sexual appetite.

I recommend you encourage your husband to have his testosterone levels checked. If he ain't having an affair i would be betting he has a low T Count.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Krissy1981 said:


> I tried initiating a couple weeks ago and got shot down. My god that hurt like hell. I promised myself I would never initiate again because that rejection is something I cant handle.



Exactly what way did you ask for sex?
Did you dress up in sexy lingerie, thigh high stockings and garter belt, high heels, and tease him to seduce him? 

I am not sure why hubby is low on sex drive....but i do not know many men that could resist the above!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> Exactly what way did you ask for sex?
> Did you dress up in sexy lingerie, thigh high stockings and garter belt, high heels, and tease him to seduce him?
> 
> I am not sure why hubby is low on sex drive....but i do not know many men that could resist the above!


If you have never been married to a man who does not want sex at all, then you can't really understand how silly this suggestion is.

Asexual or very LD men are not like the stereotypical man. If you come into the living room dressed like Carmen Electra, he will just make sure you move so he can still see the TV.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> If you have never been married to a man who does not want sex at all, then you can't really understand how silly this suggestion is.
> 
> Asexual or very LD men are not like the stereotypical man. If you come into the living room dressed like Carmen Electra, he will just make sure you move so he can still see the TV.


wow, what a sexist comment. You think only MEN are the ones with low sexual desire? It is USUALLY the woman denying the poor horny guy.

VISUAL stimulation and imagery goes a long way to getting the sexual part of the brain kick started. I know what i am talking about.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are men (and women) who just don't want sex - even when the situation and their partner is perfect. Asexuality is not much discussed, but it is absolutely real. 

A straight man is never going to be sexually attracted to another man, no matter how awesomely hot gay men might think that person is. Asexuals will never be sexually attracted to anyone, no matter how hot they are.

Its really difficult for the partners of asexuals because they feel like failures if they don't recognize the situation they are in. 







Talker67 said:


> Exactly what way did you ask for sex?
> Did you dress up in sexy lingerie, thigh high stockings and garter belt, high heels, and tease him to seduce him?
> 
> I am not sure why hubby is low on sex drive....but i do not know many men that could resist the above!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

. duplicate


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> wow, what a sexist comment. You think only MEN are the ones with low sexual desire? It is USUALLY the woman denying the poor horny guy.
> 
> VISUAL stimulation and imagery goes a long way to getting the sexual part of the brain kick started. I know what i am talking about.


 You need help with reading comprehension. I said nothing of the sort. I agree that most sexual withholders are women.

Good Lord, get a grip

My point was that for those men who ARE LD, putting on a lingerie fashion show won't fix it.

A man with a low or no drive doesn't think like a man with normal or high drive.

You are wrong, sweetie.

Dang


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> There are men (and women) who just don't want sex - even when the situation and their partner is perfect. Asexuality is not much discussed, but it is absolutely real.
> 
> A straight man is never going to be sexually attracted to another man, no matter how awesomely hot gay men might think that person is. Asexuals will never be sexually attracted to anyone, no matter how hot they are.
> 
> Its really difficult for the partners of asexuals because they feel like failures if they don't recognize the situation they are in.


THIS

It's not rocket science


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> If you have never been married to a man who does not want sex at all, then you can't really understand how silly this suggestion is.
> 
> Asexual or very LD men are not like the stereotypical man. If you come into the living room dressed like Carmen Electra, he will just make sure you move so he can still see the TV.


And, it will put even more pressure on him, which is the last thing you want.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> And, it will put even more pressure on him, which is the last thing you want.


Hard to comprehend. The more pressure my wife puts on me, the more determined I am to respond... and I've never not risen to the occasion.

But then I'm not asexual to begin with. I guess what inspires me may actually crush another.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that's the key. 

If a some guy I knew walked around shirtless,with tight torn jeans, showing his perfect abs, and flexed his muscles around me, it would not make me desire him more - it would just make me a bit uncomfortable. 




Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Hard to comprehend. The more pressure my wife puts on me, the more determined I am to respond... and I've never not risen to the occasion.
> 
> But then I'm not asexual to begin with. I guess what inspires me may actually crush another.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Funny, when my husband walks around shirtless I forget what I was doing lol. I think he does it on purpose…


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## 337111 (Mar 28, 2019)

Well when you think about it 3 times a week has been touted as an average for marriages at least at some point or time in a marriage. But remembering the traditional bell curve distribution that means 50 percent of us are 3 times a week or less!!!! 

The usual touts for shall we say for non-compliance in the bedroom for guys are the traditional items of porn, hormones, performance, and those such as listed in this trail but never see PCT (*Post Coital Tristesse*) suggested. Look it up seems to exist. Not sure what percentage are afflicted but guess more than we hear of! Also testosterone levels are statistically 30 percent down for males since the time of their fathers? What is with that? R


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## serenity22 (Apr 25, 2017)

My marriage is similar. We dont have any kids and only have been married for 3 years. He doesnt care much for sex, doesnt initiate. Last time was two months ago. I think in total its about 2-3 times a year maximum. It hasnt changed and I think will only get worse over time. He needs to get his testosterone levels checked. I resort to fantasies and self pleasure because I have given up on him. I just see him as being ill in that regard.


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

It looks like he is very adventurous, and like dex drugs and rock and rool. If it is true there is no way to change him he will never be a good husband and family guy.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP has not been on TAM since March 2019. Closing thread.


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