# Sex is all about him. I'm sick of it! (long)



## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

Yesterday, I asked Mr. Magnus if he thought that our marriage was a “low sex” marriage (I was looking for books to help our relationship). He agreed that it is. I feel that I would want to have sex more if I enjoyed it more (I used to). We’ve discussed this before. When we have sex the focus is on his needs and not mine. I’ve told him that I would like to enjoy sex more. I told him that I need more emotional intimacy and foreplay (which is typically skipped all together). Well a few days after that, we attempted some mutual pleasure techniques. After a few minutes, he just laid back and let me continue to work on meeting his needs. He just totally stopped trying to meet mine. I thought that maybe he was just excited and we could try again, but this happened again on at least two more occasions. 

It just seems very selfish. Not to mention waking me out of my sleep on my only morning off to give him a BJ (putting it in my face) before he goes to work. So now, it has gotten to the point that when he starts touching me, I anticipate that the only reason he is having contact with me is to have his own sexual needs met. I understand that as an adult I’m responsible for my own pleasure (if I don’t know what feels good to me, how is he supposed to know?), but I thought that sex was about mutual enjoyment and intimacy. I know what kind of touch I like! The problem is, when I get him to start touching me, he can’t maintain it. It becomes a hurried effort to get me as turned on as he is (as quickly as possible) in order to get to sex so he can enjoy it. He gets too rough and it HURTS. 
Mr. Magnus’ main point of contention is that my grad school is so much of a stressor that it essentially negates any of the efforts he would put in—that a problem we would have normally is now a problem x10 because of school and it isn’t fair for him to have to do excess work. By this reasoning, he shouldn’t have to put that effort in because it’s so quickly exhausted that it doesn’t even count. I know that school is a stressor. I know that it makes my mood worse. However, I feel that even if I wasn’t in school I would still need him to continue romantic courting behavior, but those behaviors dried up immediately after the wedding. I figured it was due to the stress of planning and moving me in etc. It hasn’t come back. We are in counseling--have been since before we got married (same counselor)

I’ve said very clearly on numerous occasions that “I still need romance” and “I still need quality time and emotional intimacy”. We have date night once a month and it’s forced. Before we left for our honeymoon, we were only just then getting through all of the buried emotions that were pent up from disagreements as far back as the New Year (before the wedding). We were at a negative balance on intimacy when we left for our honeymoon. Going away together brought us into the black, but barely. When the time came for all of the typical stressors and distractions to come back into play, they hit hard. We were at a dangerously low level of intimacy (not just sex, but emotional intimacy. We don’t talk. We just exist in the same space.). So, I asked for him to up the effort, maybe we could do something special. I wasn’t asking him to do something that I wasn’t willing to do. I also asked him for a list of things that would make him feel appreciated/special. He gave me a list of things about myself and my mental state that I should work on.

I’ve been verbally expressing my needs and very clearly. I’ve been asking for romance and intimacy. His response is to ask me “what do you want to do?” This results in a frigid forced-date (at the end of which he certainly still feels entitled to sex). Later, we argue. He says that when we argue, it makes him not want to have sex. That would be fine, but why bother having sex at all if you aren’t in the mood? He still manages to find enough effort to have sex and get his own needs met. He just doesn’t have the energy to help see that my needs are met. He says it’s just a “biological urge” of his at that point. Like he doesn’t want to, but he needs the release. I guess I’m only useful for that.

It feels like he just doesn’t care? What can I even do if he won’t try?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I counted the word need 11 times in your post. Did you check out "His Needs, Her Needs"? Read it together. It sounds like you both have needs outside of the bedroom that need to be addressed first.


Great book....highly recommend it.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

Thank you for the recommendation. I looked it up. I noticed it says "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage". We haven't been married long at all, but sometimes I wonder if he is considering an affair. 

I'm not sure how much reading he will be willing to do with me given the enormous blowup that this topic inspired yesterday. We hashed it out for about 5 hours. We have an appointment with the MC tonight. I don't really have much hope that she will help though.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Stop giving him BJs when he wakes you. :nono: Sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

Stop "meeting his needs"....when's he's not "meeting your needs".

Maybe...........just MAYBE..........he'll figure it out.


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

I feel like he doesn't respect me. I don't know how to operate when someone thinks so little of me. He pretends that he respects me, but his actions definitely show me otherwise. I believe he thinks I'm dumb.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

Quit meeting his needs until he starts taking care of yours!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MrsMagnus said:


> I’ve been verbally expressing my needs and very clearly. I’ve been asking for romance and intimacy. His response is to ask me “what do you want to do?” This results in a frigid forced-date (at the end of which he certainly still feels entitled to sex). Later, we argue. He says that when we argue, it makes him not want to have sex. That would be fine, but why bother having sex at all if you aren’t in the mood? He still manages to find enough effort to have sex and get his own needs met. He just doesn’t have the energy to help see that my needs are met. He says it’s just a “biological urge” of his at that point. Like he doesn’t want to, but he needs the release. I guess I’m only useful for that.
> 
> It feels like he just doesn’t care? What can I even do if he won’t try?


I really feel for you OP. Please do some serious thinking before you have children with this man (assuming you don't already). 

A good sex life can grow from an average start but both parties have to be willing and eager. He clearly is not willing or eager to have a satisfying sex life with you. A partner should be just so excited about making the other happy that they are willing to listen and learn.

Sorry to say but from the outside things don't look that hopeful for you. He truly sounds selfish, this will only get worse.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to rethink this marriage. He honestly needs a massive wake up call. Don't be passive, and don't be afraid to move on, if he's to selfish and doesn't care enough to make massive lasting changes and lots of effort.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MrsMagnus said:


> It feels like he just doesn’t care? What can I even do if he won’t try?



Rule 1: From now on he satisfies you first, and good! With intimacy and without penetration, to keep it solely to him working and you enjoying.

Rule 2: He gets to enjoy only if rule 1 is met. Stop sex at the moment rule 1 is getting frustrated. Next time he has a new chance.

It's like the 180, in the bed.


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## Athena30 (Oct 16, 2012)

I registered just to respond to this thread. I dated a man exactly like this. He actually had the nerve to tell me he preferred blowjobs over sex because they are less work. He would stick his penis in my face before we'd go out to dinner, and always have me finish him off with blowjobs after sex. He didn't "understand" intimacy, the need to make out, passionate buildup we women need. Just thinking about it makes me sick. After three years of that bull**** I had enough and cut things off. If you weren't married to this man I guarantee you he would stay single because no woman with actual needs would want to put up with this. Here are my thoughts on this matter. He is revealing his true sexual nature to you which is internally selfish. If you try to come to some sort of compromise or confront him about your feelings, he will change temporarily but go back to his true nature. How great is the rest of your marriage? If it's mediocre then I'd say move on if you ever want satisfying sex again, because speaking from personal experience selfish men don't change.


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

*Thank you to everyone who too the time to respond. I'm really confounded as to what I'm doing and what direction to go at this point. *



Holland said:


> I really feel for you OP. Please do some serious thinking before you have children with this man (assuming you don't already).
> 
> A good sex life can grow from an average start but both parties have to be willing and eager. He clearly is not willing or eager to have a satisfying sex life with you. A partner should be just so excited about making the other happy that they are willing to listen and learn.
> 
> Sorry to say but from the outside things don't look that hopeful for you. He truly sounds selfish, this will only get worse.


We're not very far into the marriage, so no children yet. I'm very diligent about taking my birth control. I'm making sure to prevent a pregnancy. He wasn't this selfish when we were dating. I really feel bait-and-switched. He doesn't seem very excited about trying to change.



*LittleDeer* said:


> You need to rethink this marriage. He honestly needs a massive wake up call. Don't be passive, and don't be afraid to move on, if he's to selfish and doesn't care enough to make massive lasting changes and lots of effort.


This is what has me shaking right now. Part of me is ready to turn and run, but (you had to know a but was coming) we're so new at this. I feel like I can still try. I haven't got much left to give this, but I do have something.



See_Listen_Love said:


> Rule 1: From now on he satisfies you first, and good! With intimacy and without penetration, to keep it solely to him working and you enjoying.
> 
> Rule 2: He gets to enjoy only if rule 1 is met. Stop sex at the moment rule 1 is getting frustrated. Next time he has a new chance.
> 
> It's like the 180, in the bed.


I know it was my mistake to continue pleasing him when he gave up on pleasing me. I took away his incentive to be giving. I just thought that talking about it would be a reasonable thing to do. Was I ever wrong. Suddenly everything was my fault.



Athena30 said:


> I registered just to respond to this thread. I dated a man exactly like this. He actually had the nerve to tell me he preferred blowjobs over sex because they are less work. He would stick his penis in my face before we'd go out to dinner, and always have me finish him off with blowjobs after sex. He didn't "understand" intimacy, the need to make out, passionate buildup we women need. Just thinking about it makes me sick. After three years of that bull**** I had enough and cut things off. If you weren't married to this man I guarantee you he would stay single because no woman with actual needs would want to put up with this. Here are my thoughts on this matter. He is revealing his true sexual nature to you which is internally selfish. If you try to come to some sort of compromise or confront him about your feelings, he will change temporarily but go back to his true nature. How great is the rest of your marriage? If it's mediocre then I'd say move on if you ever want satisfying sex again, because speaking from personal experience selfish men don't change.


I'm really worried about this. I'm going to try my hardest to work through the stuff that is going on right now. He wasn't like this when we dated. All of a sudden, he just clamped down on everything. I mean, the MC had to tell him to let me change the curtains in the house for goodness sake. Everything is about him and what he wants. He doesn't see it this way, of course. 

I'm hoping for the best, but maybe I should be preparing for the worst.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MrsMagnus at least you are doing some thinking and asking about this. I let my situation go on too long and really should have looked closer at the warning signs. No regrets though from me as I have amazing children from the marriage. Given the chance though I would have ended it much sooner.

Please don't let your situation drain the life out of you, don't waste time if things are not going to change. I applaud you for trying to resolve this but yes hope for the best and prepare for the worst.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow, I think you should rethink this relationship. If he doesn't respect you this early on, it is a very bad sign. I'm glad there are no kids involved, that makes it much harder to leave.


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> What is his past relationship/sexual history?


I realize that I haven't answered this question. I'm not sure of the details you're looking for, so if I'm unclear, feel free to ask more detailed questions. I'll answer to the best of my knowledge. 

He has had two sexual partners before me. Neither of them wanted to give him BJs. One would very rarely and the other refused all together.

ETA: I have another question. More or less, he has said/done something that indicates to me that he is looking at other women, but there is no indication that he has been unfaithful. Now, it could just be that I'm in a very sensitive state. He said something in counseling. The MC didn't say anything, but it unnerves me. There is a lot of back-story, so I don't know whether to make another thread or just post it in here.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Athena30 said:


> He would stick his penis in my face before we'd go out to dinner, and always have me finish him off with blowjobs after sex.


I don't get the problem with asking the woman to finish me off with a BJ after sex. Oftentimes it's my preferred method of orgasming and I usually wait until she's had her fill before making said request.

The unsolicited sticking of penis in face prior to dinner is over the top I give you that much.


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I was asking about his maturity. How old are you both? How long married? Known each other?
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree:


I am 26, he is 32. We started talking (online/phone) in August 2009. even though we live in the same city. We met in-person and started dating officially in November 2010. We dated through 2011 and got engaged December 2011. We married May 2012. We've been married just shy of 4 months.

It has been such a short time, but it's like I married a different person. The honeymoon period was over before it even began.

We moved too fast.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> The unsolicited sticking of penis in face prior to dinner is over the top I give you that much.



:iagree:

I try to be as loving as possible, but my feeling here is to give this guy an _unbelievable beating_ for being this rude.

Suppose he would be going to dinner with his mistress, would he then behave like this, or anybody sound in his mind in the world?

Really, give him a chance to change, but only one.


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