# It kills me when I see her



## WannaMoveOn (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi All,

I think I need a bit of help - I am not sure how to stop some feelings....or emotional responses really.

My ex and I enjoyed an exciting dating period and got married a few years later, I was apparently everything to her. 2 years later she left saying she "does not love me anymore". I asked her what happened and to this day I have not had an answer. I was left hurt and devastated. 

She is now remarried and has moved on. I have found another partner and am not married. It is unfortunate that in my circle of friends I can, from time to time, see my ex - when I see her I get an immediate response of butterflies, inner sadness, anger and a general negative feeling - almost depression related. As a result I withdraw and most often just end up leaving. Part of me (I think) wants to make her feel bad.

Now I don't want to get back with her - if she came back to me tomorrow and said, "Right lets get it on..", I would show her the door. She does want to be friends though - but I don't think I can do it - but not really sure why.

There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about this / her and I have had a guts full. Does this ever go away? Is there a way to speed this up?

She has gotten the feeling that I do not want a bar of her whatsoever - which in a way is true, but I need to move on.

Therapists have gotten me to go through the closure process, writing a letter and burning it etc. but nothing seems to work.

Anyone got some suggestions?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

That is a tough one. The only thing I can think of doing is avoiding places she goes to. If you want to reinvent yourself you need to find new places to enjoy your new partner.

It sucks being dumped... no matter what happened.. you DID NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN.. and that is worse.

Be honest to us..... does the new girlfriend give you butterflies too?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

WannaMoveOn said:


> She does want to be friends though - but I don't think I can do it - but not really sure why.
> 
> There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about this / her and I have had a guts full. Does this ever go away? Is there a way to speed this up?


dude DO NOT be friends with her, it will never work. you can respectfully decline by telling her "I am sorry we cannot be friends, after all I do not want to disrespect your H". She is just trying to minimize the guilt she has over leaving you so she is throwing you a "bone".....screw that!! If you see her again let her see a strong confident man, one that does not need her at all. Than find someone who gives you those butterflies cause obviously your new interest isn't doing it.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I agree... you can not be friends. 

The feelings will fade. It sucks.. but it will happen.

I hope your new love interest is not just something to keep you from feeling lonely. That would be unfair to her.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It takes more than 2 years to get over a lost love, but you will get over it.....In fact many of your memories will become very sweet memories...Just stop dwelling on the bitterness and you will heal more quickly...


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

MoveOn-

I'd like to tag onto dblkman's post and expand on it a little bit, the part about showing your ex a strong confident man.

This is EXACTLY what will make you feel the best about yourself and the situation.

So you're gonna have to fake it 'til you make it.

But you didn't type out your sorrows in order to get platitudes- you need a PLAN.

One plan, coming up.

Step 1- Hobbies / activities. Go find some. Pursue them with passion and enthusiasm. And with your current girlfriend. Put some fun in your life, sandwiched between entirely different and new experiences. Start taking great big bites out of life and enjoying them to the max.

Step 2- Expand your circle of friends as you develop new hobbies. Widening your social circle will reduce the chances of running into the ex. You can even start cutting the lesser common friends out of your life, and have even fewer chance encounters with the ex.

Step 3- When you DO see the ex, ignore her if you can. Don't acknowledge her or speak to her. If she tries to chat you up, go for polite amused indifference. Think of her as that "average" girl from high school or college that wanted to date you but that you just weren't "in to." She would chase you, but you were always interested in some other, hotter girl.

If you have to talk to her, keep it light, trivial, and don't take anything she says seriously. Talk about your new hobbies and how much fun you're having with your new girl. Do not inquire about her health. Don't ask her how she's doing, if she's happy, why the hell did she break your heart, or anything at all.

She isn't important enough to merit interest from you. Not even so much as a "how'zit going?"

Only talk to her is you have to (because she comes over and strikes up a conversation). Make sure it's a short conversation, and make sure that when you leave, it's to go be with your hot girlfriend, or to go do something interesting (one of your new hobbies), possibly with your new hot girlfriend.

Step Zero- take a good hard look at your current girlfriend. Is she going to be able to get it done for you? Can she make you feel passion, lust, and butterflies? If she can't, you probably need to let her go and find someone who can.

Now quit moping and go start having moar fun.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

No reason to try to be friends. Stay away from places she might be. You are being totally unfair to your new partner. Let your ex live her new life and you create yourmown. You are not going to make her feel bad. If anything, she might feel pity. Who needs that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zombie thread.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Two years is a drop in the emotional bucket. I can still get emotional thinking about a woman from a failed relationship of over 30 years ago - but it is not debilitating or painful as your current situation sounds.
Take the good advice given - avoid situations where you will run into her as much as you can, expand your group of friends, don't go down the road of being "friends" with her until/if you really feel you can handle that. I am friends with that woman from 30 years ago. Both of us married and moved on but it was years before I could handle any sort of friendship. For you that may be never.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread fro 2013. I'm closing it.


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