# how to tell if the problem is relationship or anxiety/depression?



## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

I have a history of depression on and off, have been on meds in the past but not for some years. Sometimes I can go months feeling fine then have a few bad days/weeks, its almost lime I have two sides to me, my rational side and my irrational side, its a battle of wills to determine which takes control! I do everything I can to try and help myself in terms of staying healthy, keeping busy, getting out and about etc, all the self help stuff they tell you about basically. Anyway, onto the relationship. Been married 18 years with two teenagers, generally happy, lots in common, do a lot together etc, but I have trust issues. He was unfaithful to me 11 years ago, drunk one night stand that he told me about within weeks, he was very remorseful and there was no question of giving up on our marriage for the sake of a one night stand. Anyway, couple of years ago I thought he was being secretive and did some snooping to find that he was quite into porn, he claimed he wasn't as into it as I thought, it was just something he indulged in when bored occasionally. Don't want to go into it all and bore you with it but the upshot is that when I am feeling fine I can rationalize that a lot of men loom at porn, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me if he looks at porn etc, but when I am in a bad state of mind it drives me demented thinking about it. He is away at a conference this week, he has his laptop and I know he is bound to watch porn at some point, yesterday I knew he had the afternoon free and was in his room at a loose end...it was night time here (he is overseas) and I had a few drinks so my mind went into overdrive thinking about what he was up to and hating it, I had a total meltdown to the point where if I had had an easy means of ending my life at hand I think I'd have done it. I am scared just thinking of how I felt, I was hurting myself and out of control. I can't control what he does/thinks, especially when he is the other side of the world, I know that. But I don't know how to deal with my feelings. Is the problem within me, or is it the relationship?
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## motherwithtoddlers (Feb 12, 2012)

Hello Honkytonk,
I just read your post and I want you to be very kind to yourself. He has an addiction and it is NOT worth your life. You might need to seek someone to talk to about this anxiety and try to regain control of your thoughts with positive thinking. No one else's weakness and problems are worth your well being. Him looking at porn affects his spirit and energy.Try to put your energy into something that will bring you light and joy. Everytime your mind takes you there to that place of unrest try to refil; that place and thought pattern with everything beautiful and good in life. The one thing we have to be greatful for is breathing. So take some deep breaths and let the goodness fill your spirit. Let him keep his darkness and sneakiness to himself. You have more to fill your life with. You are fine. You are in a spiritual battle because his porn use goes against what is right and good for your life, your mind and your body. You are having a physical reaction to a spiritual response. Be very KIND to yourself and find the root of this fear. At the hear of all anger is fear and pain. If you participated, with porn and porn being a part of your make-up and moral compass this conflict would not happen with your body. It is a spiritual reaction to a physical act. You are going to be okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. Did I help you at all? This was written in complete kindness. All My Best.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Go jogging.

I know, that sounds flippant. It's not. I'm here to help, not mock. Here's the thing, when you get stressed your body activates the "fight or flight" mechanisms. You've heard of that, right? We get all flooded with adrenaline and stuff and get really agitated. It's really hard to think clearly in those situations, because our body is not gearing up for thinking. It's gearing up for physical action. If you give it some intense physical action it settles down and you can then think much more clearly. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: depression is better treated with exercise, sunlight, and happy friends than any drug. That's not my opinion, either; it is backed by scientific research.

As for your husbands addiction, he'll have to want to quit and then look for ways to do so.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

MSP said:


> Go jogging.
> 
> I know, that sounds flippant. It's not. I'm here to help, not mock. Here's the thing, when you get stressed your body activates the "fight or flight" mechanisms. You've heard of that, right? We get all flooded with adrenaline and stuff and get really agitated. It's really hard to think clearly in those situations, because our body is not gearing up for thinking. It's gearing up for physical action. If you give it some intense physical action it settles down and you can then think much more clearly.
> 
> ...


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

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