# Wife is leaving today



## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

OK- so I guess I am here now. My wife is moving out today because the things we have been doing to try and reconnect over the last 6 months have not been working. She had a PA about 10 months ago and she has never recovered. (Please see my other threads for more details.)

I have been working my a** off and nothing has really improved. I am struggling beyond belief.

She tells me she is having problems dealing with her PA and the fact that it goes against everything she believed in. She thinks maybe it is impossible to get through this and recover. She needs time by herself because staying together has not worked. I understand that because she really has not been doing anything.

Previously, I have tried to avoid a separation but this time when she brought it up I felt I could not do anything but accept it. What we have been doing or trying to do has not been working. She feels we have to do something different.

She has mentioned leaving several times immediately after here PA and even left to stay with a girlfriend for a night a couple of times. Each time I have to go through the same pain and emotions not thinking she would be back. She came back the next day each time. Now she is gone and I have to go through it all again.

She says she will be gone for a minimum of 30 days but I think it is just a soft exit. In our talk last night she said things that make me think it is not for 30 days and she is just not coming back. She also said things like “I just need to be able to be right with myself and love myself again before I can work on the marriage.”

I think maybe she just wants to run away and have a clean slate.

I love her more than anything but I don’t feel there is anything else I can do. Nothing has worked. We just cannot seem to reconnect.

I am not doing so well, and I do not want to go home to our empty house tonight.

This sH*% has been going on for a year now and I am exhausted and beat down.

Advice? Questions?


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

WOW sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. Maybe instead of concentrating on the negative part of her leaving (like you mentioned she has done in the past), you need to concentrate on taking this opportunity to work on yourself. 

Maybe instead of letting her come and go every time "she" needs the space YOU should put a time frame together. Tell her YOU need space and YOU will let her back in the house 30 days from now. Seems like she has all the control in the relationship and she's the deciding factor in whether things will work or not. There are TWO people in this relationship, so maybe YOU can take control of something here and OWN the situation. Make this work for YOU with or without her. 

In the end you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you loved the person in the mirror MORE than anyone else. You CANNOT love anyone fully until you love YOURSELF.

Hope you get through this. Been there and it's tough. Take a stance for your own good buddy. Take control. You will feel better about yourself. The rest will all fall into place. 

Good luck!


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks Alittlefun

You are right. I need to take care of myself. She has been in control since the PA. I have been walking on eggshells since then and that is not me. I just didn't want to make things worse. I love her and thought we could make it though this.

This is tough. My thought are all over the place.

Do I follow the heart or the head?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

No questions or advice, just sending you prayers for comfort in this time of unrest. We can not control other people and as soon as we accept this...it gets much easier. Take control of you and move forward. You have done nothing wrong, so you should not be the one to be punished. Take what people say with a grain of salt...follow what they do.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Wow... sounds like my situation. My stbxw has told me many of the same things... has to love herself again, realizes she has issues, in my case denies an affair, and like you, this has been going on for a year now with ups and downs and my walking on eggshells.

I feel like on one side there's logic and on the other there's emotion. Joining the two is one hell of a crazy roller coaster ride. I have been going from one point to the other several times a day.

My advice to you would be the following (I'm stil struggling with sticking to this myself, but when I do it helps):

Follow these rules: 180 Rules

Read this book:
No More Mr. Nice Guy

Be active, keep busy, see friends, get help from this forum, let yourself be sad when necessary, but always try to move forward. 

My counselor told me that thoughts control emotions, and when I feel down to practice focusing on something else. Easier said than done, but I get her point. All you can control is you.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks for the prayers Hesnothappy. 

It has always been my belief that separation is just the first step to divorce. Is there anyone that believes otherwise??


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

You follow the heart. Your heart DOES NOT love anyone more than it loves YOU. We all, at one time or another, confuse following the heart with giving our dignity away.

What she has done and in some way continues to do is not respectful. She has not only disrespected your marriage and herself but she flat out disrespected you as a MAN. In a way now, you are continuing to allow that. 

She wither wants things to work or she doesn't. I don't have that answer. What I do know is that NO ONE wants the person who constantly seeks their approval. It's good to make your partner feel wanted BUT not at the expense of your dignity. 

You taking this step to follow your HEART to love YOURSELF not only instantly changes your pattern of thinking and how to view yourself but it send an IMMEDIATE message to her that YOU are to be respected and that YOU control your emotions, situation and life.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks canguy

I thought it was a mid life crisis- she is depressed and has really never been the same. You are right about the rollercoaster. The ride is unbelievable. I have read no more mr nice guy and it was helpful. I have also read about 25 books on the subject this year. Ughhh!


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Alittlefun-Excellent advice. Thank you.
I need to take back control of my life.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

I guess it is just best to let her go and move forward. I feel like to do that I just have to accept it is over now and prepare for it. I can’t sit and hope that things are going to magically work out in 30 days once she has had her time alone. That scares me because I may not be available for her if she decides she wants to R. I am disgusted at myself for being such a wimp through this. It is not my nature and yet it is what I have done.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Dude I've been there man. I feel for you.

You are human! It is human to feel and need to be loved. The bottom line really is that YOU are a GOOD guy. If it's not her then you will find someone who will see that. 

Keep you head up. Put on some of the nicest clothes you have. Look in the mirror and get back to that guy who used to pull a$$ out of the bar at will. Don't be that guy though, he's an idiot. lol 

BUT feel that way. Feel like that every time you walk in a room. Confidence is attractive.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Yea, it’s funny because I have never lacked in confidence before. It is like I don’t even know who I have become. I don’t like it. I really don’t like it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce her and move On with your life.
She already has, she just doesn't have the balls to say it out right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

It is either I move on or accept more “limbo, limbo, limbo, lim…..bo” which will still end in divorce.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Tacoma - thats what I think too. She tells me that she just needs to get her s&*t together and be alone for 30 days but I think she is trying to pretend to try to relieve herself of guilt.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Also, I am not perfect and realize the things I did and did not do that led us here. I feel a huge amount of guilt and regret. I need a time machine damn it!!!


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Dude no one is perfect. There is no perfect partner out there. There are just partners we AGREE to spend out lives with. Just like you have faults so does the other person she had the PA with. Just like you have faults so does SHE. 

You didn't get to this point in your relationship because you did this or that. You got cheated on because your wife's moral fiber is nonexistent. Make no mistake about that. 

You went through depression because of a situation you were dealing with. You CANNOT tie the two together. She didn't flirt a few times with the guy at work to get attention. She made a DECISION to enter into a PA with another person and then had an online "1 time" thing as an extension of that. 

Seriously step back and think about it. Think about specific parts of vows like 'for richer or for poorer", "in sickness and in health". Those are there because they MEAN something. Your wife and you that day made a DECISION to stick by one another regardless of WHAT you would face. 

You didn't get her here man. Stop beating yourself up. Look in the mirror again and look into your eyes and really think about it. Think about if you DESERVE to be treated in that manner. Turn the story over and think long and hard if you would do the same thing to her if she went through something similar. 

If you can answer all that honestly and still feel that it's your fault, then you are still depressed man. The relationship wasn't perfect but it was NOT the reason she didn't respect you or herself.

Time for a better you man. Treat yourself like you want to be treated and those who will treat you that way will see nothing else. 

She's either going to treat you like you deserve to be treated or she will continue to treat you like you ALLOW her to treat you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't necessarily agree that this is the end of the road for your marriage. I also don't think you should rush into filing for divorce just to please your ego. Ego is a dangerous thing and could hurt you in the long run if you don't truly feel the way your ego dictates to you. 

It's very much possible that your wife is indeed looking to move on to break free from the current mental state she's in. That doesn't mean she will move-on and lose her feelings for you. It's highly possible that she experiences an awakening and discovers how she really feels about you while separated. Separation brings an emotional roller coaster with an outcome that not many people can predict. Every case has its uniqueness.

You should only follow your heart. If you are still in love with your wife and can't see yourself with anyone else at the moment, then do exactly what your heart tells you. There's no printed deadline for your feelings. If one day you wake up and want to be with someone else, then that's what you do.

Your wife separating from you has given you choices and those choices are mostly unfamiliar. Don't make choices that you're not comfortable with. Always take the road that seems easier to travel on that particular day. One day you may see yourself holding hands with your wife at a junction that you both arrive at. 

Do take care of yourself and do take comfort in life's little pleasures. You don't have to make your wife feel guilty, miserable or regretful even if she's hurt you. The hurt she has caused will eventually be healed and she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Moving on is not a race. Don't run if you can walk. 

Do as you please, but not when you're emotionally unstable. Find contentment first and then decide on things.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

I know you are right. I just need to get there. I have not really talked to more the one person about this. With the full details that is. The one person that I did confide in is someone I trust and respect and they are telling me the same thing as you.

So thank you. I just need to get my head right. 

As messed up as it sounds, I do feel like my wife is not well mentally. I do believe in our vows. The problem being that I don’t want to abandon her. I know, I know, that sounds messed up.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks Syn. I am going to walk, and not run.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

7cities said:


> As messed up as it sounds, I do feel like my wife is not well mentally. I do believe in our vows. The problem being that I don’t want to abandon her. I know, I know, that sounds messed up.


Doesn't sound messed up at all. If you don't want to abandon her, then don't.

If you feel responsible for her well being, then definitely do what gives you comfort in helping her. You don't have to hold her in your body's warmth at all times to help her. She may truly need the space she's desiring. You do too. Why not? What is so hurtful about taking a break from the routine you were on? 

I'm experiencing the same thing, and I have found great pleasure in slowly gaining my confidence while realizing my flaws. I feel like I'm falling in love with my wife while she's separated and giving me the cold shoulder. It feels good and very emotional. I will probably end up demanding more from her in the future, but right now I'm enjoying being in love with her and having to work hard to make her realize who she's going to lose if she moves on. It gives me lots of confidence when I do good things for her from a distance. She obviously knows I'm not obligated to do anything for her since she left me, so she may appreciate them more.

Do what your heart tells you to do.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Dude nothing wrong with you not wanting to abandoning her. Don't misunderstand what I was trying to say. 

There's a difference in taking control of the situation and making a rash decision. Synthetic has some GREAT points. That advise is beautiful and very intelligent. 

It's OK to feel sorry for yourself but don't make every day a pitty party. Eventually you too will heal. Eventually she too will heal. Her fight is just beginning. Her choices will haunt her for the rest of her life whether she's with you or not. 

It's important to be there for her. Especially if she's having some mental problems. All I'm saying is don't ONLY be there for her. You need time to heal and figure things out as well. 

Good luck!


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Alittle,

No I understand, and I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

The pity party is over for me. 

I am going to take this weekend off and just relax from over a year of craziness. I know no matter what that just being able to relax will help me get on the right path.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thank god for this forum. Man I dont know what I would do with out it. I have spent months reading the threads.

Shamwow was epic.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

OK going home for my first night of separation. Wife moved out today while I was at work.

One step at a time.......


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

OK so my wife left yesterday for what she described as a separation. She is staying at her friend’s house indefinitely. She asked to have minimal contact and I agreed
. 
She texted me yesterday after she packed and I didn’t reply. She called today to check on me I answered and she asked me if I was mad. I said no and we had some small talk, nothing unpleasant and hung up.

I do want to try and work this out and remain married to my wife. I love her. I know our old marriage is dead and I am wanting to create a new better marriage.

Now that we are separated I am not sure what the proper thing to do is? Plan A I know. Do I just try to act as if nothing is wrong and remain pleasant? Do I refrain from sharing any feelings when we do talk?
As I said earlier I am not sure if my wife is just looking for a soft exit and the 30-60 day separation that we discussed is just the first step towards our divorce.

Any suggestions?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Endure at least a 2 week no contact period. It's very important for both of you to miss each other. There will be moments of extreme anxiety, anger, suspicion, and confusion. It's very normal. Just don't do anything stupid.

Don't see your wife. Don't let her converse with you much. Try to get out of all long conversations.

Do what you have to do to rectify your suspicions, but don't accuse her of anything. She most likely is not cheating on you.

You have to realize that your old marriage is completely dead now. There is no going back to the old ways. You have to accept the fact that she left and not hold any grudges against her if you want her back in your life.

Now, start looking back at your marriage and identify the areas in which you short-changed her. Don't worry about what she does. Just do this for you. She may be an evil spirit from another planet, but half of the marriage failure lies on your shoulder. Do your part in accepting your short-comings and plan to fix them.

In time, there will be contact between you two. You should plan to give her no excuse to reaffirm her decision. Become a better man, present yourself as one and be happy in front of her. This will confuse her enough. The rest is completely out of your control and only time can determine the outcome.

Start becoming a better man today. Grow out of your shell and start a new life. Your wife wanted exactly that. Give it to her. If she doesn't see it, it's her loss. Another woman will gladly steal you off her plate.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Syn

Thanks. She said she was leaving me a couple of times over the last year since the affair. She never took any of her stuff and ended up coming back the next day. This time she packed a bunch of stuff.

Actually, I went through the hardest things during those episodes. I felt crazy, depressed, extreme anxiety. I did a good job of hiding it when she came back but I was crazy. It still happened and it was some of the worst Sh*% I have ever gone through. Was 165 lbs and dropped to 118 lbs I think. 135lbs now. Actually lost hair, it was crazy.

Point being is that I feel kind of strange today. I had a hard time when I got home from work yesterday and she was gone. I walked around the house for a while but then shook it off and just went through my normal routine. 

Today I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I don’t feel any need to call her and I am feeling pretty normal. I am just trying to both relax and get my head straight. 

I kinda made the call to just take this separation as both: her trying to get some space to deal with her confusion and guilt of the affair and secondly, maybe the first step of her leaving and us divorcing.

I feel like I have to move forward expecting both of those possibilities so I am covered. 

As has been my experience so far I am sure I will be up and down and all over the place at times.

I will try to be completely upbeat around my wife if we speak. 

Still more limbo I guess.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> You should only follow your heart. If you are still in love with your wife and can't see yourself with anyone else at the moment, then do exactly what your heart tells you. There's no printed deadline for your feelings. If one day you wake up and want to be with someone else, then that's what you do.


I envy people like synthetic who trust their heart. I don't trust mine. It has led me down too many dead end roads. My gut has always been a better guide.

7cities, follow your heart, but always let your gut question it. If your gut tells you something isn't right, then it isn't.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks Spudster,
It’s hard. I think back before her affair and always thought if my wife cheated on me that would be it. Get out. It’s over.

Well, when it happened to me that is not what I did. That is not what I felt. I found that as devastating and hard as this is, I want to get through this. I still love my wife.

It does make me angry that I am the one that was cheated on and she needs some space? Really? Is it normal / typical that the wayward spouse has such a hard time reconnecting with a willing husband/wife??? How long does it take to work through it?

It also pisses me off that I have to just wait around. I am working on myself and I agree with the reasons for doing so. I am not perfect and we all need to improve ourselves. It is just nonsensical to me that she is the one that needs to leave and see if she can get herself straight.

I know I could just let go now and just accept that she is gone and not coming back. It’s been over a year of Limbo so that would almost be easy. I am finding it difficult to Plan A though and then also leave room for recovery.

I am doing alright but extremely conflicted. It is hard to move on and keep a door open for recovery it that option comes back on the table. Ughh.:scratchhead:


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> I am doing alright but extremely conflicted. It is hard to move on and keep a door open for recovery it that option comes back on the table.


Shut the door.

It sounds counterintuitive, but until you accept in your heart of hearts that the marriage is over, that she has left you for good, and that you have no control over her actions, then you will come to a place where you will know that your self worth and self validation are no longer in her hands. 

You have spent your entire relationship seeking validation from her. That right there is probably what drove her away from you and into another man's arms. 

Go to No More Mr. Nice Guy and order the book. Read it, do the exercises and it will change your life. Also do the 180, as that will help you bolster yourself for whatever your wife decides to do. Here is the link: The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Shut the door.


:iagree:

She moved out - go dark and cease all contact. 

If she commits to working on the marriage then open the door.

Separation is often a ploy to reignite an affair or it leads to divorce on their terms.

Make her work to your plan, go dark, see a lawyer and start formal divorce proceedings. Prior to her being served send her a letter stating you love her and the requirements for her to return to the marriage.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks.

I am trying to go dark. Unfortunately we still have to interact at times. I have not nor will I contact her at all. Every contact that has occurred has been initiated by her. I am very determined on this point. I will not contact her.

Spuds - I did not spend our whole relationship trying to validate her. That happened after I found out about the affairs. Leading up to that I had kind of disconnected from her because of my business and all the great things that have been going on with the economy. A big part of why I am here is because I neglected my wife on so many levels. I was a pretty alpha guy until a year ago. After the affair I have been all over the place, everything changed; and I became some pathetic version of myself.

Working now to get back to my old self with upgrades!

All the advice I am getting is to just move on. It’s done.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

7citieis, 

I don't know if you've read my story, but my wife left me for similar reasons you listed. Neglect and super-alpha behavior. 

I had an epiphany and completely got rid of the toxic ego that was haunting me for years. I don't consider myself pathetic. I have grown into a loving man and have no fear of expressing my love. The alpha stuff really killed our marriage. My insecurities made me one angry and miserable bastard. I lost my wife and can only hope one day she checks in once again.

In your case though, there was infidelity which makes it difficult.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Syn

Had to go outside for a bit but reading your threads again and my wife is telling me the same thing your wife told you. "you will thank me for this later, you will be happier without me".


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Spuds - I did not spend our whole relationship trying to validate her. That happened after I found out about the affairs. Leading up to that I had kind of disconnected from her because of my business and all the great things that have been going on with the economy. A big part of why I am here is because I neglected my wife on so many levels. I was a pretty alpha guy until a year ago. After the affair I have been all over the place, everything changed; and I became some pathetic version of myself.


WTF? 

Read my post again. I said that YOU had been seeking validation FROM HER. She has defined your self worth, and now she has it in her pocket.

Time to take it back and be self validating. Get the NMMNG book and read it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have this thread moved into the Infidelity section someone

edit: Oops wrong thread..Sorry(though the content fits )


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

No I get it. I have read No more Mr. Nice Guy and am looking at married mans sex life site too.

You are right spuds that is who I have been since the affair. Not before. Now I am on the path of letting her go and am getting my own self worth back. I am taking back control for myself.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Another huge problem is I want to go dark and have a real separation. Earlier in my threads I stated that she works for me. I own a business and she has worked for me for the last years. This has been a big part of the problem. She feels like she lost her life doing everything for me. For the last two years I have supported and encouraged her to find another job. She has tried (sometimes more than others) but still has not found something. I think she has been too particular but whatever. 

Yea, so my balls are still in her hands because what do I do fire her? She left me and I have to come to work today and be with her in this environment. It is crazy.

So this separation is more like torture I guess. She has several applications out now I am hoping for the best.

Advice???


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

She will be here in an hour. Great. 

Should I just be business only and remain upbeat. Pretend I dont care?

I would be OK if I didnt have to work with her.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

7cities said:


> She will be here in an hour. Great.
> 
> Should I just be business only and remain upbeat. Pretend I dont care?
> 
> I would be OK if I didnt have to work with her.


Do the 180. It's been linked in your thread before.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

That is what I thought. I know that is for me and I have been doing pretty good on that alone.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Sorry meant Plan A but I know about the 180 too. So no plan A but 180 instead?


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Ok just read the 180 again. Thats my plan for now.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yes you have to do the 180 with little contact for a while because the emotional dust must settle before anything positive can happen.

Give this a couple of weeks and see how different you feel about each other.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

I am doing as much of a true 180 that I can. I still have to work with my wife Monday - Thursday but then I have no contact from Thurs - Monday. I know that is not helpful but until she finds a new job I am stuck with this for now.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Really?

So my wife left lastThursday for a separation initiated by her. The unfortunate issue is I own our business and she is still working for me. 2nd problem is after several years of her bringing this up and throwing working for me in my face as a big problem, she has not found a new job. She is educated and should be able to find something but has not.

So I have not contacted her since she left and she came to work today. It went ok and she seemed carefree and maybe not happy but not upset either. She worked 5 hours and then went to take care of our pets before I get home so we would not cross paths.

How the h$ll am I supposed to do a 180 in this situation. I did well today but to keep up this charade indefinitely is probably going to be impossible.

I am doing a lot of this for me so I understand the plan A and 180. I am working to improve. Since her affair I have been weak. I am now getting myself back together but I see a real big problem with this. I did pretty good this weekend.

Once again, I do all the work and she just gets the benefits of her husband and has to do nothing in return. I love her and want this to work out but I think this is going to build so much resentment in me that there will be nothing left.

Maybe thats the point???


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

7cities- Here, try this- 

Tell her that due to a downturn in business, you no longer need her services and she is fired, but that you will give her 1 weeks severance pay, as a reward for her long years of faithful service. Let her know that you'll write her a glowing reference letter if she needs it for the next job she finds, also.

Also let her know that you are going to see if your pets can survive without being let out to pee for 8 hours, and that she doesn't need to stop by and take care of them any more. That way, she can focus on getting her head on straight during the separation SHE requested.

Hopefully, this will make her stay away and help you to do the 180, which you really need for your own mental health.

You know that she's using this "trial separation" to go have sex with her previous affair partner again, don't you?


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Notlikeyou

Yes, I know that may be possible. She actually said it to me before she left last week:

Her - "in reading all of the relationship stuff I read that the main reason for needing space was to have the freedom to see the affair partner but I just need some time to get myself together."

I just ignored it and wanted her to follow through with leaving to end the current dynamic/torture.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Hey does anyone know how to change your thread title or do you have to start a new thread? Wife has now been gone for 3 weeks now and my thread title is a little misleading.

I have been strong for almost a year now. I have had some bad moments but now I feel I am on the edge. I am looking over and I am ready to jump.

I had the strength to move forward after walking in on her and finding her sexting online. I asked her to come clean so we could move forward. She said she did but…….she didn’t. A month later she had to come to me and ask that I go get tested for a STD. I was good but she didn’t get it from the laptop. Sigh. She is fine now nothing permanent.

For months, since Jan 2011, she would occasionally bring up that she could not work on herself and the marriage at the same time and wanted to separate for a while. I understand this but I had tried to avoid a separation as I kinda feel like it is a trial divorce. So the last time she asked I said OK, if that is what you think you need to do then go ahead. Of course I told her that I didn’t want her to go but if she felt that strongly about it then I cant stand in your way.

The problem is that we work together part of the day during the work day. What the hell kind of separation is this? She was supposed to be looking for a job, but has not found anything for the last year. Now I have to come to work and pretend like nothing is going on with the rest of the staff.

She still goes by our house when I am not there. (BECAUSE I AM WORKING!) She takes care of the pets and does laundry and other things. She is gone by the time I get home and goes about her life without me.

So she is half in-and half out. She gets the benefits she wants out of the situation and then goes and does whatever the Funk she wants.

I love her and have been hoping to work things out but this situation is starting to wear me out completely. I have been trying to hang on but now I am questioning what am I hanging on for?
She had initially said she needed a minimum of 30 days and that will be up soon. I have never said one word about it. She has not said anything about it. My plan was to wait an additional week and then just ask her what her plans are. If she needs more time I may have to tell her I am done. Like I said, I have been hanging in there since Jan. 2011 when she first told me the “ILYBINILWY, I need some time etc……”.

Just venting, I am on the edge folks. Get out the 2x4s and bash away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No bashing, just it is time for you to file and move on, she is no longer in the marriage. Sheiks obviously dating and just keeping you on the hook for some reason known only to her, but she clearly does not think of herself as your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Shaggy, Thanks.

I have been on this site for over a year, I know how things play out. I dont think she is dating, but I have seen it time and time again.

Your advice applies regardless I guess.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Still 12 f*&^ing years! and this is how we end up. Unbelievable.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

7cities said:


> Still 12 f*&^ing years! and this is how we end up. Unbelievable.


Would it make a difference if it were only 6 years? Or maybe 2? The process of the pain is the same whether you have 12 years invested or 2. The only difference is more time to find someone else who deserves you. 

It's time dude. Sorry it did not work out for you. You're feeling the pain now but eventually she will feel the pain of what she has done to you. It's karma.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

allttle,

Everyone keeps telling me that. Why can't I see it. Why can't I move forward. I feel like I am giving up on her. Is that crazy???
I am not a dumb guy but yet still here I am. I love her, part of me feels like I am giving up........


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

7cities said:


> allttle,
> 
> Everyone keeps telling me that. Why can't I see it. Why can't I move forward. I feel like I am giving up on her. Is that crazy???
> I am not a dumb guy but yet still here I am. I love her, part of me feels like I am giving up........


It definitely feels that way. I think most of us who have been cheated on feel like we can't give up on THEM. In reality you are not giving up on her or yourself for that matter. You are giving up on the illusion that this somewhat messed up relationship would work out. 

Look she's gone for 30 days and pretty much enjoying every minute of it. You are here writing about every minute of agony. You're not giving up on anything man. SHE gave up! The minute she threw away morals, your trust and stomped on your heart SHE gave up. If she wasn't having a good time being alone, she would have already come back. 

I always agree with this guy I listen to on the radio. He says 2 things makes every smart guy dumb. Women and sports. Think about it. Even the smartest guy in the world can be a blind fool when watching his team play. It's the same with a guy who loves a woman. He's so blinded by his devotion and love for her that he can't rationally see the reality of the situation. 

The reality is she cheated on you. Then asked you to separate so she can in essence go screw someone else with LESS guilt. She's basically saying that your relationship means SO much to her that she's willing to let another guy screw her while you are in agony. She's a real keeper man. She's really going to have your best interest going forward. She might not be a bad person but it's obvious that she's a SELFISH person.

You've spent enough time suffering for her. I think you owe it to yourself to take action and start respecting yourself. She's definitely never going to respect you. 

You can't see it yet but you will. Everyone who has taken the step you WILL take see is. It just takes some longer than others.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

thanks alittle,

The truth hurts but it is still the truth.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

7cities said:


> thanks alittle,
> 
> The truth hurts but it is still the truth.


7cities,
I'm sorry man. Sometimes we need others to tell us the truth we already know but are denying ourselves of. 

Hope you feel better man. Really do. It's tough. I wish you the best and it might not seem that way but better days are ahead. 

"God doesn't give you more in a day than you can handle"

I'm not a real religious person but that one always makes me feel a little better.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

No apology necessary. I would say I get it but I am still struggling. I appreciate the advice and any advice at this point. I am not a masochist but man I seen how I could look like that. Almost 13 months of this is enough to drive someone mad. I have a week to go and then we were going to “talk”. I will live up to that last obligation. After that, I don’t know, man I don’t know.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

7cities said:


> No apology necessary. I would say I get it but I am still struggling. I appreciate the advice and any advice at this point. I am not a masochist but man I seen how I could look like that. Almost 13 months of this is enough to drive someone mad. I have a week to go and then we were going to “talk”. I will live up to that last obligation. After that, I don’t know, man I don’t know.


7cities, do yourself a favor and don't get your hopes up. If she comes to YOU to talk then you can keep that end of the deal. In all honesty all deals/bets are off. It's YOUR call. 

I hope she comes back in 1 weeks time groveling on the floor because she realized what a complete feel she has been. Unfortunately something tells me that not only will she not come that way but she might not come at all. 

Anyway, keep your head up!


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## NYCGurl (Feb 27, 2012)

7cities. Have you gone to see a therapist? I will tell you that a number of people I know have lived in limbo for a long time waiting.. without really taking action and control back in their lives until they went to personal therapy, which changed things around completely. If you can find yourself a good therapist, get strong, understand what her issues are (which sounds a little like borderline personality disorder - read "I hate you don't leave me"...or "Stop Walking on Eggshells") not only will you be in a good place but she might see the change in you and want to go to a therapist too in order to grow and truly figure things out for herself. Is she truly working on herself while out of the home - doesn't sound like it.

It might bring you back together and even if it doesn't, you will be in a much more positive, strong place. Focusing on the outcome and the "what if" will only drive you insane - you need to focus on you. What makes YOU happy and right now holding your breath is only doing you more harm and is not going to make her do anything different. She can come and go as she pleases and she knows that. Once you change and start setting and sticking to some new limits and boundaries it will force her to change her behavior. It's a tough road but you need to fill in your own cracks to get yourself back on track - you need to feel whole on your own and not let her rise and fall of emotions effect your emotions...

Get back in the saddle and TAKE CONTROL BACK! Love yourself first, work on you, you might be surprised how you see her change as a result...

Good luck!

and BTW - I have not been on your end but have been involved in this type of situation before and know what works and what doesn't.... It's amazing to see a ripple effect as soon as you take care of you.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

How did your meeting w/ you W go?


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