# A non-mutual non-aggression pact.



## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

I've been married to my wife of 10 years, and we have what I believe to be an interesting problem.

We make love about once a week. She never, ever directly asks me for sex. She never goes out of her way to seduce me. She also doesn't respond well to any of my attempts at a spontaneous seduction.

We typically have to negotiate a date and time for this to happen, usually a Saturday or a Sunday night.

Once we're in bed together with the music soft and the candles lit, she warms up IMMEDIATELY and we make slow passionate mutual love. She doesn't really like fast at all. That's fine too.

She gets orgasms far more from my manual or oral work than by intercourse, but by now I have become aware that for women, intercourse is just foreplay, so I just go with that concept. Further, she's getting rather skilled at playing with my own body like a violin, and this makes me deliriously happy.

Usually we take turns giving each other an orgasm rather than working for a simultaneous one... of course whenever one of *those* happens by accident its always a small slice of heaven. 

She is overweight and has arthritis in the knees, so I have been very understanding why anything but a male superior position is out of the question for her - we have discussed this and I accept this.

But what isn't okay is this: I feel like there is too much emphasis on me having to be the one to arrange and choreograph the sexual act, and I feel a little pressured to make each and every time perfect for her. 

I had a couple relationships before and even one prior marriage, and in those relationships. I also must confess to having a strong submissive streak and I have always felt very much flattered at sometimes being wanted and taken by a woman who knows exactly what she wants from me.

But, the lady now in my life is someone who seems to need to be coaxed out and unwrapped, and I don't understand this at all. I don't want to be the stereotypical male who demands and takes of a woman who feels it is her duty to accept her man's advances. 

I want the approach to be more mutual... in short, I'm tired of constantly having to take charge... it's wearing, and my wife has now told me to stop even suggesting she be more aggressive or else we would have a fight over it.

She said she was abused as a teen by a much older man who lived down the street, and that I would simply have to accept her limitations. She's a sweet and receptive lover capable of making her own small moves once the ice is broken, but I'm the one who has to break it.

But for my part, I still have fantasies of *wanting * to be on the bottom and be able to lie back and get hammered by her.

But it's not going to happen, and I am already having thoughts in the back of my mind about getting this satisfied elsewhere, not that I would ever dream of hurting the good thing I have already by acting on those thoughts, but I'm confessing that as an indication of the frustration I am feeling about this.

Any ideas?

Aulë


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

First off, she needs help if those issues are interfering with her marriage. She needs to work them out in counseling so she can learn to trust you with her body. I had to do this in my marriage because I had a somewhat of a ridiculous expectation during sexual contact that needed to be resolved.
And I may get slammed for saying this but as your wife she has to hold up her end of the marriage as well. Being so overweight that you have arthritis in your knees is unhealthy as well as being inconsiderate. Keeping yourself healthy is a huge part of being married. There are exceptions for people who get sick out of nowhere of course. A lot of women (overweight) are going to harass me about this but I still think looking your best and being the best you can is an obligation in a relationship. You should maybe work with her to get that extra weight off. During this process, a whole new level of trust could be established that could lead to a more fulfilling sex life.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Aule said:


> But what isn't okay is this: I feel like there is too much emphasis on me having to be the one to arrange and choreograph the sexual act, and I feel a little pressured to make each and every time perfect for her.


Is it perfect (nearly) every time? I've had that pressure, and it can turn into a viscous cycle if it's not.

My wife had/has knee and ankle issues, google "liberator whirl x", helped us with the missionary only blues. We now go to gym together, weight training has done wonders for the sex.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Is it perfect (nearly) every time? I've had that pressure, and it can turn into a viscous cycle if it's not.
> 
> My wife had/has knee and ankle issues, google "liberator whirl x", helped us with the missionary only blues. We now go to gym together, weight training has done wonders for the sex.


Just google it....wow. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe a sex swing would help with her physical issues. 
I feel like being a survivor made me more aggressive and assertive because I would rather be in charge. 
Of course I have done years of extensive therapy. 
If this is still bothering her maybe IC would help her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I hear you & understand. It does get frustrating having to "set up a big scene" every single time when you simply want to get ravaged by your wife once in awhile.

My H is like your W in some ways. I have asked for "slam-bam" sometimes & he said that is "not making love."

After 10 yrs., she may resist change or new ideas. Maybe some counseling?


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

What can I say to all these replies? @hotdog, @wiigirl: I have no worries about it being perfect for her because, as a gentleman, I give her her turn first. Between my administration of manual and oral she usually gets a chain of multiple orgasms. Once she's content, I let her pleasure me until we both agree I'm ready to enter her. Intercourse is usually NOT hard and fast until nearly the very end because I want the ultimate closeness for as long as possible, my orgasm is usually pretty intense after about 7 minutes starting with slow thrusting and ending up with my body out of control, and about 1 in every 5 tries she comes with me. She's usually a lot more quiet during, but I can feel her.. I know it's happening... and when it does, its intense enough that I can't help but to shut my eyes tight and scream. Usually my child is sleeping over with friends or relatives when we arrange nights like that when I can be free to do so, otherwise I have to be stealthy during lovemaking. @charlieparker: I did not find a Liberator whirl-x, but I did find something to promote a cowgirl position that I think will be perfect so long as it can support our joint weight, she weighs 340 pounds and I weight 238: the Liberator Esse. But it's $400, so I will have to save my allowance for a long time, but it might be worth it. @Emerald: regarding counseling: My wife and I had a few joint visits but was pretty much turned off by them... she says she really doesn't like having her feelings analyzed. -- All that being said... change is happening, but it happens very slowly for the better because my time horizon with respect to shaping the relationship is on the order of years. She probably won't ever attack me, but she IS getting more aggressive when it's her turn for foreplay... she's now outstanding in oral, and other things, I can lie back and let her happen. Doesn't swallow, but I don't mind. I swallow her, and it drives her crazy. One thing I have realized was my first lover's advice: any change you want in the relationship has to begin with yourself. I've started Slimfast and dropped 50 pounds over 8 months. My wife can see (and feel) the difference, LIKES it, and seems from my example that my diet is effective and safe, so she has been two months on it now and has dropped 10 pounds. I think I also have to keep in mind that if she was molested as a teen by a much older man (she's identified him to me but begged me not to file charges), that I think slowly coaxing her out of her shell will be the only way my desires can be met. But such is life: a mature person will not have all desires met, and said person just has to learn to live with it. So thank you all for your responses and advice.


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