# I guess limbo is over... now onto acceptance



## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Well, I was really hoping that the next thread I started on this site was under the "reconciliation stories" header. It appears that will not be in the cards for me...

My previous thread has been deleted but long story short: married 8 years (together 9.5), 2 kids under 4, wife "checked out" just over 3 months ago, at which time we physically separated. No cheating, abuse, drugs, or violence. Overall, I thought, a pretty happy life. She says I've never listened to her, she has been miserable for a long time, she has felt "less than equal," and wants to find herself through freedom and independance. I don't buy the fact that its been as miserable as she claims because we truly have had a pretty happy marriage. But we do have communication problems that tend to leave both of us very frustrated when conflict arises.

Today I finally asked her what my suspicions have lead me to believe. "Are you sleeping with someone?" Turns out that this information is "none of my business" but the answer is yes. I am absolutely sick. This woman has never slept with anyone but me. We've been together a total of nearly 10 years. Now, only 2 months after separating, she feels it is acceptable to just... give it away... My mind is a wreck right now. I love this woman with all my heart and yet I am so completely disgusted with her at the same time. I can't make the mental pictures stop. Although I've had some suspicions for the last week or two, I never really considered it to be reality. Who could do that? We ARE still married! Is this considered cheating or am I completely out of line for thinking this is WRONG! I can't even describe the emotions I am feeling right now. It didn't even seem to phase her when the truth finally came out. When I reminded her that she is still married she said "only by law" are we married. In our relationship I was always the one with the over-active sex drive and she rarely wanted it. Now suddenly she wants it with a random guy?

Just over three months ago we were making an offer on a new house after relocating back to our home town a couple states away. how could this woman not be the woman I've known for the last 10 years? She has made it very clear that she's "done" and this is "where she stands." I think she feels like I should be accepting all this by now. It has only been 3 months! I am still trying to accept that she filed for divorce. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that she's been giving herself to another man that she's only known for about a month! I feel like such an idiot. How could anyone be so cruel to someone they've shared so much with for so many years.

The sad part is, if she showed up right now and said she was sorry and wanted to give "us" another try... I would probably gladly take her back. I know I should have more self respect than than, but I still love her so much. This is torment.

I guess I just need to move on and not focus on hope of restoration. And I'm sure it will get easier, but for now I'm just sick and in shock. Is there any hope? Should I even want her back at this point? How do I deal with this? Unless a miracle happens, we'll be divorced within a few weeks. I'd love a miracle. Well, most everyone on this website is looking for a miracle. Doesn't look like I'll be getting mine...


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Broken, I read some of your posts and started feeling sick. I think that women are naturally inclined to know what makes a relationship work and what doesn't. Men have to learn on the job so to speak. I wish someone would take up teaching "How to Treat Your Wife 101."

Don't give up on yourself! God is aware of your situation. He loves you and weeps for you during these trying times. You are His Child. He will help you through this. My prayers are with you.


----------



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Welcome to the club, hard to believe eh? You dont really think this is a new development do you? She has most likely been seeing this person for a lot longer than 3 months.

I was also married for 10 years, have a daughter and had only been with each other. What you need to do right now is start focussing on yourself. The other thing you need to do is realise this isn't someone you know anymore, stop loving her for who you thought she was. She ie capable of anything and there is nothing you can do to change her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

broken1:
The reality of it, setting your emotios aside, is if there was a reconciliation, and you were able to let out that sigh of relief, there would be trust issues and you would be making secret comparisons to yourself of the OM and on and on and on. This is what I would be doing. There is no way, my marriage would have worked if he had crawled back on his knees, kneecaps scraped from the miles and cried his apology. My reality was that you were able to do this to someone you supposedly loved. OUCH!

We must love ourselves back to health. Hard, but to move on is hard. What is the first thing to do to become whole again, forgive (in your mind), pray for that person and become you again.

Set your feelings aside, if you can or when you have a quiet moment, reflect on the actual reality of the last couple of years. Ask yourself hard cold questions, you will be surprised by your answers. I was. What I thought was a happy partnership turned out to be a wasteland. No sex, companionship out the window, communication breakdown and I actually was disliking this person.
Now that is my story. Yours could be totally different. But you will be able to reflect once you find that quiet time and so the healing begins.

Best of luck on your journey. All of us are facing the same situation and it is not easy. But isn't it the truth, the things that really change us for the better are never easy?


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I wonder sometimes if people do these things to jeopardize the situation beyond repair, simply because they do not have the wherewithall to be decent about it. Second guessing themselves so they do things to "ensure" its over between you and her. Its almost like an "exit affair". 
Sparkles has it dead on. My marriage was a wasteland too, no sex, companionship was a dream, no communication, and I too was disliking my wife because she couldnt see past her own nose. 
She jeopardized everything about our relationship and future together financially, intimately, affectionately, longetivity, everything, simply because of the type of person she evolved into.
Once she hit 38 two years ago, it was a totally different person.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Before we were married, soon to be ex and I had a break up. He went out and was intimate with someone else before we decided to get back together. It still upsets me!! Being married, I can't even imagine how I would feel. That sucks a lot. I'm so sorry you're going through that.


----------



## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I wonder sometimes if people do these things to jeopardize the situation beyond repair, simply because they do not have the wherewithall to be decent about it. Second guessing themselves so they do things to "ensure" its over between you and her. Its almost like an "exit affair"


I've wondered the exact same thing. If she thought she'd seal the deal and just take the option of reconciliation off the table. Or possibly its some kind of vengeance for hurt I've caused her (I did have some struggles with pornography at times in our marriage). Maybe now we're even in her mind?

I don't know... she only had to wait a few more weeks before we actually divorced. I did speak with her mother about the whole situation and was told I need to accept that she is moving on and stop thinking something is going to change. Apparently her mom helped her get on the right birth control! WTF!! Am I the only one that sees this as an affair?

No guilt, no conviction, no self control... What a selfish family I married into. I am so sad for my kids.


----------



## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

BTW... I don't necessarily disagree with what her mom told me. The time has officially come for me to accept her moving on and not hold onto false hope of a miracle. I just need to work on getting myself healthy right now. Unfortunatlely, I am now tormented by my own mind. I have pictures flashing through my head of her being intimate with someone else. Is she enjoying it? More than she enjoyed being with me? Is she a different person with him in bed? Is he tender as I would be?

I know, I need to just get these thoughts out of my head. Really hard though! In my last correspondence with her yesterday, she told me I'm driving myself crazy with all this and that she's been trying to make it clear for 3 months where she stands. What a cold heartless thing to say from the person driving me crazy...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

broken1, you are most definitely "not alone" at least not in the shock and confusion you are surely feeling... I am in a very similar situation... our marriage was in a rut, dealing with the grind of life, I was on autopilot, wife convinced herself she was miserable with me, decided to go outside marriage and realized she really liked it, so simply checked out. The thing is we had all the things in place for a good relationship (and she sees that at some level too but thinks its because we're somehow meant to "just be friends") , I thought we were both completely devoted to each other and I also felt like life was slowly getting back on track towards the goals we once shared. 

When she announced she wanted D it shocked me out of autopilot in a real hurry, it wasn't until after that I learned she was planning for an affair(s) which started to take place pretty much immediately after she gave herself that green light. Like Shooboomafoo suggested, I too wondered if it was just an "exit affair", a way to guarantee she could put it all behind her except I don't think she was expecting such a response from me. I know I have it in me to forgive and work past the EA. I've been quite strong since all this surfaced and taken all the right actions which I frankly think surprises her, its not the clean exit she was planning on, but its not because I was begging or needy, I've actually done a 180 on her. But still she is committed to her exit and so I am now focussed on healing and getting myself back on the right track, though it is still so easy to slip back into the despair of trying to win her back somehow.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon. Ditto! I am now at the beginning to heal stage for all the same reasons you mentioned.

I finally got my mother on board today in accepting to have a sit down conversation with her, which I thought was going to be a super difficult thing to get her to accept. She was understanding and said she wishes no anger or ill will towards her. WOW! I thougt I had my dad in the bag since he was more understanding at the beginning so I was really glad about this- then my dad got on the phone and told me he was not prepared yet to talk to her; that he would let me know when he is ready - WTF!!! Has everyone gone mad over this! My stbxw is the one that wants to call a meeting with them. I mean, we have grand children in our near future and my kids, their grandchildren do not want them to hate their mother. So it is prudent that we work this out to some sort of adult level. Why am I the one trying to mend sh**t!!!


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, my parents just put the final dagger in my heart of ever even remotely hoping to reconcile with my stbx any time down the road. They told me they would be hyppocrites if they were to have a sit down with her. They said they don't have to like her. I never asked them to, I just for them to be civil and not turn their backs to her if/when they see her. I am so hurt, I had to cry a bit. It's all I need to be able to move forward with my life. I need it for the sake of my kids. They love their mother and grandparents and it hurts them to at least see them not even wave at each other in passing.

I wonder if they know what is at stake? I wonder if they know that if by some miracle, we reconcile down the road that there is a possibility that could lose my close relationship with them. I wonder if they know how much I am hurt by this. I told them these things and they won't budge. If it wasn't for my job I would move out of town. It is so unfair that I am fighting so many battles.


----------



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Similar story here, but its been a year and I am struggling to let go and move on. Don't know if she is sc**wing someone else or not, and I dont want to know; its only going to make things worse for me.
My advice is the same as others. Be strong, let go, look after yourself, and start moving on to a new life. Your stbx has made it clear she does not want you anymore, so believe her and let her go. 
Its not going to be easy, and this board is a great place to come for support, so the sooner you get past the grieving process and move on to the healing stage, the less chance for you to enter the anger stage; that is some place you dont want to go because really bad things can happen there. I have had bad thoughts but thankfully have not acted on them. 

Take care my friend...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BL, yeah it is frustrating that when you think you are getting a hold of your own emotions then you realize how much this is affecting all the other people in your life: family and friends...

I was just spending some time on the "man up" sticky in the mens area, pondering some of the conversations over there. It is definitely a big part of what I want to improve in myself, stop being the nice guy and start getting the things I want in life before I end up old with regret.


----------



## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Lon - I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with the same stuff. It's miserable. It was plenty miserable even before I found out she was screwing somebody... Now its just a total mind f**k! I'd like to think I could forgive and move on if she came back a totally broken repentant person. I want that. But I don't know how realistic it is. I don't think its even a thought in her head right now. Also, I might not be able to get over it. I am a very affectionate, physical person. I take much pride in knowing that my wife's body is for me and only me. She knows that... Part of her did this to hurt me. Even if she never planned on me finding out, doing it has surely somehow satisfied a desire in her to feel like she got the ultimate payback to wipe away all this pain and misery that I have supposedly caused her.

Like you, once I got over the shock of D, I really changed up my attitude. Over about a months time, i could see her anger and resentment starting to fade. We were starting to do things together with the kids again like go to the park or meet up for dinner. I mistook this as progress. Now I know it was all just a show for the kids. Had no idea that the whole time she was living in a fantasy world where we still hang out sometimes for the kids' sake but she can still go home and sleep with her new toy.

Sick... that's all I can really keep thinking. I'm sick...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aw Broken, I hear you bro.

I was just writing out all the details again, but I realized it doesn't really help me, nor do you all need to know. All that matters is she broke the trust and hurt me more than I thought I would ever hurt. It is devastating to a man like you and I to be treated like that, in my case it I feel like it has literally emasculated me at the hormonal level, which makes it really hard to be the man you want to be and win the respect of your wife back. So I've been trying to put back the pieces of my shattered manhood, and I'm making progress but it is not fair that someone who claims to love you abuses that trust and destroys you. I honestly don't think I'll ever trust anyone like I so easily did her before the affair. Nor do I think I'm better off for it. Nor do I feel it is something I should learn to do again, it was an amazing thing that is gone forever, and she just took it with no remorse or care. How can I love her? Answer, I can't its over. Time to move along (much easier said than done).


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, my sentiments exactly. What I posted earlier was about my parents being more angry about this than me. I, like you, can no longer love her. She was the best times of my life, but I am trying to pick up the peices to move on. I just want my kids to have their loved ones get along. And i mean just get along. No more loving wife. She has destroyed my ability to trust that deeply again. Trusting so openly that you open up and expose your heart to knowing that it wont be trampled on. I am moving on. Have lot's of plans but my plans don't include my heart ever loving that deeply again. At least I don't see it know. That is so sad because if there is ever to be another woman that somehow would fall for me, would she really ever be able to have all of me? I don't know, it would be so unfair to that other person so it would keep me from ever putting myself out there again. I am so damaged right now that I am empty of emotion, my heart just feels like an empty pit. A huge void of no ambition, no dreams, just devoid of anything resembling hope. God doesn't want this for us and I am trying to find some measure of faith, I really am but I just don't feel anything. Not hate, not anger, not sad, not hurt, not hapy, not hopeful, just nothing but put one foot in front of the other to get from point A to point B every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> That is so sad because if there is ever to be another woman that somehow would fall for me, would she really ever be able to have all of me?


I know, this is one thing I'm finding I'm really angry about, I feel like this was stolen from me and I am really grieving that loss hard. In a way its like my wife says if I can't have you no one can.

I have hope that I'll be "ok" and find some joy in things again, but I too can't ever see myself being completely whole again, and that is one of the biggest reasons I've held on to in a futile hope to restore our marriage. But even then, knowing now that she has been with other men after me, I don't know if I can truly get over that either.

I guess we're damaged goods now, and we will have to learn to live with that and hope we can find someone who accepts us as we are.


----------

