# Am I making the right choice?



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

Hello! I need advice, and thought this would be a better place than to ask my friends and family and let them all know our personal business.

{P} and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 children together, and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. The problems really began with one of my children, who he clearly does not like. She is 18 now, and has moved out of our house to live with her dad because of all the negativity he showed toward her. She has her issues, dont get me wrong. But as an adult, I feel he should have been a tad nicer to her. She's moved out now, so its not any longer a problem.

The problems I have now are the same problems I have had for years though. He doesn't help me around the house. He doesn't participate in our children's activities. As a matter of fact, he has no idea where their doctors office is, cause he has never been there. Our oldest is 10. He has never been to school conferences. He never helps them with their homework. He never even asks them how their day is in school. He drinks alcohol too much. He demands sex from me, even when I have absolutely no desire. And if I don't, he gets angry and takes it out on every one around him. But it's "my fault".

He never went to either of my kids graduation ceremony. He had better things to do. That hurt me, real bad. But thats also over now, and is no longer the issue.

Lately, he likes to go to the bars. A lot. 7 years ago, he was pulled over for drunk driving. It was dropped to Impaired driving, and is on his record.

3 years ago, he was pulled over in a parking lot for drunk driving. It was dropped to a reckless driving, because I begged and pleaded with the prosecutor to lessen the charges so {P} didn't lose his job.

He works days, full time. He comes home from work and does whatever he chooses. He works in his barn (on his projects), he sits on the couch downstairs and watches TV for hours. He goes off to the bar. Sometimes with a friend, but mostly alone. Then he drives home under the influence.

I work nights, full time. I am an ER RN and deal with trauma each and every day. Sometimes this trauma is the result of drunk drivers bad choices. I work 12 hour shifts, 3 days a week. This, as I am sure you can imagine, is a high stress job, but a job that I love. 

When I get home from work, I clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the kids, homework, pack lunch, etc. If they have appointments, I take them. If they need anything, I am the one to provide that for them.

If we go on vacation, I do all the planning. I also do all the paying. {P} and I went to Mexico last year. I put the entire expense on my credit card, and paid the entire thing off myself. {P} never even offered to help. To make matters worse, when we got to Mexico, he pulled his wallet out and I seen that he onlyh brought $22.00 with him. So, I paid for everything while we there, as well.

If we go on any type of vaca, its me who has to pay. I don't feel that I am responsible for his fun too. I have no issues ever paying, but shouldn't he fork out his wallet once in awhile?

So, lets talk about Thursday night. I worked all night Wednesday, and when I got home from work, I put the kids on the bus and cleaned house. I finally got done around 2PM. I laid down to take a nap before the kids got home. I didn't wake up until 6:30PM. Got up, cooked dinner, etc. {P} was not home. I asked one of the kids where he was, and they didn't know either. 

Got the kids in the shower then to bed. I had a bad feeling about his whereabouts, but ignored it. Until 12:00am. I went to one of our rental houses where I thought he may be working, but there were no tire tracks in the snow.

I went home and got into bed. About 12:30, he comes staggering into the house, drunk. I asked him where he was, and he replied "bar". He wouldn't tell me which bar he was at. A few minutes later, he was in the bathroom throwing up. I stood over him telling him he was a POS for endangering the lives of other people by his stupidity, and told him I hated him and was packing our stuff and moving, to which he replied, "go ahead". He threw up most of the night, and the next morning he got up to go to work. 

I fumed all day long on Friday. Then Saturday, me and the kids went to work on the rental house (that I think we may be moving into, if this doesn't work out here). {P} showed up around 2 and helped. I didnt really talk to him at all. He kept trying to grope me, but I would just walk away.

We got home, I showered and went to bed. I was asleep, but he woke me up trying to hump my leg. I pushed him off, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked him again what bar he went to on Thursday, and he ended up telling me the name of the strip bar downtown (about 14 miles away, right in the capitol city of our state). I was disgusted. I can't believe he went there, got wasted drunk and drove home. Did I mention the roads were crap? We were in the middle of getting 4 inches of snow.

We ended up getting into a huge argument and I told him everything I have shared with you. Please note, this is NOT the first time I have told him how I felt. He usually changes for a day or two by helping me around the house, but then its back to the same old thing. I told him that I can't be a part of someone's life who put other peoples lifes at risk. I work with people with smashed up faces, who are usually the innocent ones involved in an accident caused by a drunk driver. I see this often, and he don't get it. He don't seem to have any clue that he is doing anything wrong. He always places the blame back on me, by saying its because I won't f**k him.

His argument back to me is that I won't have sex with him. Most married couples call it making love. He calls it f**king. I wont f**k him. Thats his only complaint.

He does not understand that when I get nothing in return from him, whether it be in the house, with the kids, or with anything that I am expected to do, that I have no desire to do that for him. To him, sex is one of those things I vowed to always do for him when I said "I do". And if I do have sex with him, he thinks all our problems are all gone, and that everything is grand again. But he still don't help me with the things I expect from him.

We haven't said "I love you" in over 5 years. I think it would be very awkward if he said that to me again. I'm not quite sure why, but I think its cause its been so long. I don't know that I do love him any more. I want the best for him, but I am not attracted to him. As a matter of fact, I am more repulsed by him than anything else. He has gained a lot of weight, and acts like a miserable person. He is depressed, but doesn't believe me, so he won't seek help. I feel like I am responsible for his happiness, but at the end of the day, I am so exhausted from doing everything that I have no extra for him. But, he don't get that. He says hes not helping me out cause I won't f**k. And ironically, I'm not having sex because he won't help me out.

And because he is disgusting to me. His actions make me sick. His lack of being a father make me wish I had something more. His drinking and driving make me want to call the police on him and turn him in. I have threatened this before, and I do think I would do it.

He is also a pack rat. I am not. Our house is always very well kept, because of me. His barn is full of his stuff, and he has all kinds of stuff around the outside. I always tell him it looks like a dump. I get mad when he brings more crap home, but he don't care what I think or have to say. I also can't stand that. Its embarrassing to have anybody come over, because they have to drive right past his crap pile to get to my house. But he don't care.

I'm really at a loss. I feel I have given everything to this relationship to get nothing in return. Yes, I have a nice house. Yes, I have things most people would die to have. But thats not enough. I see other couples who are holding hands and laughing during dinner. I see couples talking to each other and making plans for tomorrow. I see men at their wives bedside holding their hand, kissing their forehead, changing their Depends, and doing it all so lovingly. They will say "I love you", and not care who is listening.

Where did I go wrong to miss out on all that? I want to be loved like that. I want to be told I'm important, and not just a sex toy. I want to be more to someone than a housekeeper, mom and sex. That is all that is expected from me, and it might not sound like much, but I want to have sex and feel passion. Not just lay there and roll my eyes, wishing he would hurry up.

I can see greener grass ouside of this place. I think being single and doing everything I am doing now (minus the sex) would be better than this life I have now. I just don't know if I am over-reacting. And I don't know if I can fix all the damage that has been done.

We haven't been to counseling, and frankly not sure it would do much good cause everything is always my fault, cause I wont have sex.

Any advice? Please!:scratchhead:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Based on what you say, my only question is why you're still with him. And I suggest reading up on co-dependant relationships.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm still here because we have 2 kids. 

I'm still here because I know if I leave, the house will go into foreclosure and my credit will be shot. 

I keep thinking he might change.

Maybe I am nit-picking and need to realize that before things can get better.

I'm afraid what the kids will say. And afraid they will be mad at me. (Thats the biggest reason).

I'm afraid that maybe I can't do it on my own.

How much is a lawyer and can I afford it? There are a lot of assets, which will need divided. But he will fight me for EVERYTHING! And that will cost more with attorney fees, right?

You know, I really think moving is the right choice,but I don't know. It's so scary to be out there in the world alone.

I don't want to be single forever, but not many men are interested in someone with 4 kids. 

I just need to know that it's not me thats causing the problems, that I can make it on my own, that my kids won't hate me for leaving, and that he isn't going to change for the better. I don't want to throw 15 years away, if there is any potential. 

Does that make sense?

I've never done this before, and it's kind of scary.


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

Anyone have any advice?


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

First of all, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Being single has its drawbacks. Most women will take a huge hit financially after divorcing their husband. Most men take a huge hit socially. Try making two lists, one of things you are willing to tolerate (i.e. being a pack rat, not as attracted to him, etc.), and one of the things that are unacceptable (i.e. demanding sex, drinking/driving, etc.). 

Make another list of the advantages/disadvantages of staying together and the advantages/disadvantages of leaving. Talk to people you trust and that know you well such as family members and close friends. Talking to a counselor by yourself might also help you sort through some of your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done all of your research, you can hopefully make an informed decision.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

He's too comfortable.

The only way to save your marriage is for him to wake up. Do whatever it takes to wake him up, but don't cheat on him. That's all I have to say.


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm a nurse, so I won't be financially hurting. Do you think somebody like this can change? I have threatened to divorce many times before, he straightens up for a little bit but then back to the same stuff. Over and over. I want to tell him to get out, but he won't. He told me before that he would bulldoze the house down if it ever looked like I was going to get it over him. I would have to pack the kids and me up and move out. It just seems like so much work! And I could move into one of our rental houses that is paid off so I wouldn't have to worry about a house payment. I just don't know if it's a good idea to uproot my kids from the only house they've ever known. I can put up with the crap longer. I would rather eat dog crap than have sex with him, but I could just to keep his mouth shut. 

But is that the right choice? I just really don't know. That's why I came here. I need advice. 

My health insurance covers counselors, but only a select few. And I feel weird putting everything out there. On a message board is one thing cause I won't see any of you. Does that make sense or am I being ridiculous?

And I don't want to get old all alone :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

synthetic said:


> He's too comfortable.
> 
> The only way to save your marriage is for him to wake up. Do whatever it takes to wake him up, but don't cheat on him. That's all I have to say.


I won't cheat. I have enough problems with the 1 man I have. I don't need to add anymore!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

The issue as I see this is he’s an alcoholic, and until he gets his addiction under control, you’re going to have to make some painful decisions to protect yourself and your kids…

You need to set boundaries: First he has a choice…kick the drinking habit, get into rehab and AA or you’re out the door…period!

Right now you fear the unknown, and trust me…many, many women have walked the path before you and have survived…

Will your house go into foreclosure and screw your credit…maybe, but it’s not the end of the world…you will survive…In some States if you file for a divorce first, he’ll have 24hrs to leave the residence or he could be arrested…so if you file first, you could keep the house for the time being…

You’re a strong woman…you’re a nurse in one of the most stressful environments a nurse can work in…you CAN make it on your own…

Your kids will not hate you…they may have a tough time understanding, but kids are resilient…with the help of a therapist you can prepare the kids for the separation…

I have three kids…my wife constantly tells me that no woman will want a man with 3 kids…this is her way of trying to control me…fact is plenty of women would date a good man with three kids…personally when I’m single and the right woman comes along that meets all my criteria, I’ll date her regardless of how many kids she has…so don’t let the thought of ending up along deter you from desiring a better life…


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I think your children will understand, if that is your concern. But I think you are simply afraid you won't be strong enough. I'd move into that rental property and get the locks changed. That's the first step (if this were me). See where it goes. 

My mother gave me one piece of advice, "Never marry a man hoping he will change."


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

I keep trying to figure out what the big thing is thats holding me back. I think its the kids but I dont know.

If he would pack up and move, I would be happy. But like I said before, he wont do that. 

When he came home from the bar drunk, he started puking in the toilet. I stood over him with my cell phone video taping him. He just flipped me off. LoL! I wanted to be able to show him what an idiot he is.

Brian, thanks for your advice. I see you are a marriage counselor. Do you think I should wait it out? Do people change? 

I have told him several times that I was going to leave if he didnt start or stop doing XYZ. Mostly drinking. Like I said, he stops for maybe a week, then back to the same crap.

If he could straighten his problems out, I think it could work. I have fallen out of love with him, then back in (I think) several times. I have been able to overlook a lot of things. I just don't think he has it in him to change for good. 

The rental house is available now, and we could move in now. I just dont know if it will still be available later, if I decide to wait out the storm to see if my *****ing has done any good.

And if I do decide to move, do I file for divorce first, then move? Or wait? We have a lot of assets, and I know he would be "selling" stuff to his friends if he knew what was coming.

At 38 years old, I should have this part of my life figured out. But nope!

I'm just confused.


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Flounder said:


> Brian, thanks for your advice. I see you are a marriage counselor. Do you think I should wait it out? Do people change?


I believe that people can change (sometimes even to a fault). You should also talk to other people (or read on here) about their divorce experiences. People going through divorce often become very selfish and begin focusing on themselves and their wants. Custody of the kids and money are almost always HUGE issues.

If you find a counselor, I would encourage you to not go through your insurance. Insurance companies often mandate what they want from the counseling session instead of allowing the therapist and you to decide together what you want out of counseling.

As far as waiting it out? That is your decision. I am a huge advocate for marriage and for overcoming marital problems, but I also have very little tolerance for people who mistreat their wives/children in any way (I also do not have very much tolerance for people who recklessly endanger the lives of others, whether it is their family or not). Make sure you have a healthy support system as you are making these decisions. Do your research, and then make an informed decision.


----------



## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Flounder said:


> do I file for divorce first, then move? Or wait? We have a lot of assets, and I know he would be "selling" stuff to his friends if he knew what was coming.


you should research the divorce laws in your State...here in Kansas, If I were to file for a divorce, filing acts as a restraining order, which means when my wife is served, she would have 24 hrs to leave the marital home...

So do some research...but do so under the radar...


----------



## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

Flounder said:


> I keep trying to figure out what the big thing is thats holding me back. I think its the kids but I dont know.
> 
> If he would pack up and move, I would be happy. But like I said before, he wont do that.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm....if he hasn't changed after all this time and with you already threatening to leave in the past on several occasions, I'm not sure if he is capable of changing...or even wanting to change for good. I mean, IMO, if things continue to run the same, I feel he will just continue doing what he's doing. Some major change is needed in your life. Maybe that will wake him up to be the man he needs to be, or maybe he will continue being the way he is. Either way, you won't find out by continuing the life set-up you have now.


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

LizLolly said:


> Hmmmm....if he hasn't changed after all this time and with you already threatening to leave in the past on several occasions, I'm not sure if he is capable of changing...or even wanting to change for good. I mean, IMO, if things continue to run the same, I feel he will just continue doing what he's doing. Some major change is needed in your life. Maybe that will wake him up to be the man he needs to be, or maybe he will continue being the way he is. Either way, you won't find out by continuing the life set-up you have now.


So, I told him on Saturday that I'm not happy. Again! He threw up that I won't f*** and I threw up that he don't do anything that I expect, blahblahblah. Then I finally said that it's not about what I do or what he does. It's simply because I'm not happy and that I want more to my life than what he has to offer. And that I'm a miserable person with him and that the only thing that keeps me going is my kids. Now I just need to finish my week up at work (starts today and ends thursday morning) and get the rental finished. I think I want new carpet in two rooms before we move in, so gonna get prices on that. I'm excites to be doing this but afraid something is going to stop me. The "comfort zone" is too comfortable. But I deserve more. I work too hard to put up with this. 

Once I move, can he come into my house?it's a rental that we both own. I think he can, but is there a way to stop him from that? 

I think I plan on just one day having 2 men and a truck showing up and getting All our stuff out before he gets home. No telling the kids til the day of. I will pick them up qt school and then tell them. Is that wrong? I don't want to create any anxiety for them and think if u wait, it will be easier for them. What do you think?

That's gonna be su h a hard step, but will be so worth it. 

When should I file for divorce? Before moving or after?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Flounder (Jan 30, 2012)

Sorry for the typos. On my iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

