# If your wife has a low sex drive...



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I am learning a few things myself, and I thought it's possible this might apply to some women (disclaimer: every woman is different there are 1000 reasons. I am just brainstorming). 

Although my sex drive went up and down, I would call it mostly low during the past 10 years. My husband always had to ask and I was very passive. I did always give in but was never that interested. 

Something happened recently and gradually a "shell" is breaking down, to the point now I find my natural sex drive (very high) to be finally showing for my husband. 

So, why did I build this "shell", even though my husband is a very good man we do love each other...

(1) He was too critical. No physical fights. Just verbally critical. 
(2) The criticism accumulated and morphed into contempt, at least that's how I felt. Nothing I did was right. Everything was viewed negatively. 
(3) I tried to talk to him, but there was stonewalling. He thought by walking away he was avoiding conflicts. But every time he did that and refused to listen to me next thing would happen. 
(4) Resentment. At least I am built that way...when I feel resentment towards a man, there is no way I desire or can even achieve intimacy. 

Women can hide resentment very well. You might not sense it. Men also do not remember things as long and do not harbor these emotions as long. I tried very hard to convince myself everything was ok as long as kids were fed job was done car had gas who cared. Well, something inside of me cared. If your wife always says everything is ok, she might really feel that way unless the deep issues are brought to the surface. 

That was 2 cents.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> I am learning a few things myself, and I thought it's possible this might apply to some women (disclaimer: every woman is different there are 1000 reasons. I am just brainstorming).
> 
> Although my sex drive went up and down, I would call it mostly low during the past 10 years. My husband always had to ask and I was very passive. I did always give in but was never that interested.
> 
> ...


You know, every so often, in the midst of posts I have to admit are far over my head, I find a post like this that gives me hope. People come here and read, and learn. After learning, there is inspiration to communicate and improve. I just have a feeling that things are improving and have hope when I read a post like this. I'm glad you posted. Thank you.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi jennifer ~

What is it that happened recently that caused things to change for you? What was the catalyst?

The thing about resentments is that they are choices that we ourselves make. We can choose to hold onto things and become resentful, or we can choose to let them go.

By consciously choosing to let the resentmenst go, we can instead concentrate on working everyday to try and make ourselves and our lives and our relationships better. 

Best wishes.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

Hooray for you!! I am so glad that you were able to learn things about yourself that prevented you from having that connection with your husband and TRULY being happy.

As they say; knowing is half the battle and I totally commend you and applaud you for sharing.

All the best to you and keep working at it, I'm sure your husband appreciates it and you're probably both the happiest you've been in a long time.

Cheers!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Did your husband become less critical and more responsive to your request when you changed?

Thanks so much for posting this. I think what you say about memory and hiding resentment is true for many women. Men will frequently say that their partner will bring up events that were painful many years later. Additionally, the frequency of divorce initiated by woman is, I think, a result of accumulated resentment towards a partner who will not listen or take his wifes concerns seriously. 

If withholding sex is a frequent problem for women, avoiding conflict, failure to listen and dismissing a woman concerns are frequent for men. 

Men who complait that they need to jump through hoops to get their wives sexually interested, I believe, demonstrates this tendency. If they think it is not important, they may easily dismiss their wives request for communication. 

The difference in holding on to memory may be biological. Estrogen influences the developement of high brain connectivity which is not a feature of testosterone. Someone had to remenber when and where there was food and danger and one had to concentrate on hunting in hunter- gather societies. Division of labor in pair bonding may have been a factor in survival. 
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is what happened to my best friend. Turns out she LOVES sex just not with her emotionally unavailable, highly, critical, refused to change, soon to be EX husband.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I was reading a book "You don't have to take it anymore", which talks about "women walking on eggshells", because their husbands are being verbally abusive/negative. One fact drew my attention:

Even if the husband changes/stops being negative, and we are talking about working really hard without "relapse" (they have a strategy called "HEALS" that the husband uses to replace the negative with positive)------

On the average, it takes a woman 6 to 9 months to stop walking on eggshells, i.e., they are not afraid anymore about an eruption/conflict. I was like "wow, I guess I am not so abnormal after all", because I kept telling my husband (I once knelt down in our kitchen and kowtowed on the tile floor and screamed "give me a break". ) if he would stop being negative for 2 weeks, I would be able to start loosening up and getting out of this vicious cycle. FYI, I am not a hysterical person. I am a very calm professional who needs to take of patients. 

What I mean is, it takes two. It's true the woman has to decide to stop the resentment, but the husband HAS to stop being critical or verbally abusive. Just ignoring the husband's hurtful comments (I did, knowing he is a good man at heart) would eventually make you brother/sister or teammates to raise the kids. 

My husband has gotten a stronger message this time since I moved out for 2 weeks...I hope. My therapist pointed out he was walking on eggshells too (because he was often afraid he would offend me by saying something wrong). I laughed and said that's probably true. 

Oh, and as far as what "woke me up" and realized what was going on inside me (hiding resentment) could not go on anymore...it was the strangest thing. I described in my first thread "newcomer something queer happened". Although everyone said what happened was inappropriate, the incident all of a sudden opened my eyes that I DID NOT WANT TO SEE MY HUSBAND WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. And I remember all the good feelings about him. And I thought and thought about how good everything can be if I throw passion into things.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I love this post!! Just wanted to thank you for your insight! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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