# regaining self-respect after years of self-sabatoge



## lonelymommy (Feb 12, 2014)

is it possible? is this marriage salvagable? this might be long... i'm in desperate need of perspective... i've been married for almost 9 years to a man i've never been in love with and it's eating me alive... i feel trapped in this... and don't exactly trust my own judgement... up until recently i have had very little respect for my husband and have been losing virtually all respect for myself ever since it started... i will start from the beginning...

i lost self-respect when i chose to marry a man who was a father/brother figure and not a lover (almost 12 years my senior), and when i terminated my education/ambitions to support him financially (while he went back to school to change careers)... i took a job i still have and hate, in order to support his dreams (he has been chronically unemployed for most of our marriage and never did finish his B.A. in studio arts), and i gave up my own interests, and passions (i wanted to be an artist/painter/musician)...

i lost more self respect as i repressed opinions and beliefs in order to be the more spiritual and "selfless" person he needed/wanted me to be. when i became pregnant, i decided would do anything to be a model wife and mom, even enduring a marriage lacking in mutual attraction and respect. i thought a strong and spiritually-minded woman could endure/tolerate/forgive inequality in a relationship... i though i was taking the higher road... but this eroded my self-confidence all the more...

i lost self-respect getting drunk to have sex with him, knowing i was never physically attracted to him in the first place (this was always how we went about foreplay)... and lost even more when i realized i was medicating my pain and guilt with alcohol excessively and almost every day.

i lost self-respect every time i decided to stay/wait/work it out, even though i desperately wanted it to end, thinking the problem was just me, my issues, my addiction...

but it just goes on and on... i lose self-respect every time i hold in a feeling, opinion, or preference, every time i lash out, after all these years of building anger and resentment, every time these feelings spill over into my relationship with my son.

i lose self-respect when i fantasize about having an affair.
i lose self-respect when i fantasize about his death.
i lose self-respect when i fantasize about divorce.

i feel nothing but guilt and resentment when he tells me he loves me, when he shows me affection, when he helps me with chores or my son (discipline, etc). on top of this i feel repulsed by him physically and though he is a generous lover, i feel nothing but guilt and loneliness and distance after sex (a lot more infrequent since i stopped drinking)...

last year i had a health crisis and realized i needed to get sober, it was a struggle but i've been sober for several months now and there is no going back - i'm very firmly resolved in this... i realize that there are deep personal/spiritual/psychological issues that i need to resolve in order to be a more whole person, a more compassionate and loving person, a happy and self-fulfilled person... but every time i feel like i am making progress and starting to enjoy my life, i am pulled back down by the cold reality of a passionless and uninspired marriage built on a very faulty foundation... 

i am happy when i am alone. i am happy when i'm with friends... but i never feel happy with him.. we manage to get along through dry intellectual conversations (about anything and everything) for the most part, but never have been able to make/maintain any kind of heart connection for very long... i just turned 28 and he will soon be 40... our son will be 5 soon and in school by fall... i feel like i'm ready to start living my life/start over somehow and want to start over with him, but i can't picture my life with him anymore... i feel very anxious, very afraid... all i want to do is become a better person, a happier person... to move on, move forward...

i know that i care deeply for him and i always will. i know that i want him to be happy. i know that he feels the same, that he's willing to work on this mess of a marriage... i know that we both want to be the best parents we can be to our son... but i have always felt like i am living a lie with him... i try so hard to show him kindness and tolerance and friendship... but i just can't get over this gut feeling that i just don't want to be his wife, that i don't belong with him, that i am missing out on my life and real true love with someone else... this marriage (as it is/has been) is not something i can live with for very much longer... 

and he admits that he never felt in love with me either and that he regretted his decision to marry me almost immediately (our honeymoon was not a very happy experience; it was a disappointment from the very start)... that he has never really been happy and has always felt distant from me, and yet he's convinced this marriage is worth saving/fighting for... because marriage, life-partnership, is SUPPOSED to be miserable and difficult? because this is our "fate"? because it's "too late" to do anything different? that it will get better if we just "try harder"?

i truly feel like the most selfish/unloving person in the world right now... i know i need to make a decision... to end this suffering... i don't want to cause him pain because i know he loves me and he is generally a very good-hearted man...

the only crimes he's ever really committed are being a know-it-all, holier-than-thou kind of a-hole on occassion... a short temper with my son at times... effectively refusing to get a job that is beneath his skills/talents ambitions (which is increasingly frustrating and causing a huge rift between me and my family, who can tell i'm desperately unsatisfied). i have been employed full time since the very beginning at a job i LOATHE for the sake of security and a somewhat comfortable lifestyle... while he's been unemployed for at least half of our marriage, losing jobs left and right... while i lost precious time with my son as a baby and toddler (the only thing i ever wanted to do was stay home with him, but after all the years of supporting my husband he just couldn't manage to return the favor)...

we have sought counseling (religious and secular) at different times in the past... read the recommended books... participated in a weekend retreat for broken/struggling marriages last summer (retrovaille program)... we are very communicative and have talked extensively about ALL of the above issues and more... i have been completely open and honest about my regrets and my feelings and my wish to start over... somehow he always talks me into staying/waiting/working it out because it's the "right thing" (for society, for our son, for us, for everyone)... but things don't feel much better for very long... it's all talk and no change... sometimes i think my honesty just makes things more sterile and cold between us... i thought opening up to him would make a difference... and i am still trying, but it's simply all head and no heart with him and it has always been this way... we are intellectually compatible and have similar interests, but it isn't enough anymore... i know that no marriage is easy, that "feelings" are not as important as commitment, loyalty, trust, tolerance, etc... but i feel like i can't endure much longer. i feel like i'm trying to revive a corpse, like there is no hope, only obligation... 

when i start getting depressed and tell him i can't live like this, bringing up all these unresolved issues, he starts oscillating between excessive physical affections and proclamations of unwavering commitment (which feels so odd and inappropriate to me) and alienating me with a condescending/patronizing attitude. he treats me like i'm damaged goods and untrustworthy, bringing up my past (family history, abuse in childhood, struggles with depression)... like the problem is just the past or up in my head or that i don't have a heart at all...

the thing is i feel i'm moving beyond all that... i've had extensive individual counseling in the past and done a lot of work on my own to grow out of it, away from it. i've been trying so hard... quitting drinking and starting to make music and art again, reading a lot on relationships and self-improvement, trying to maintain a daily spiritual practice, take care of my needs and open up to people who care about me, etc... i guess i don't need him to be my father/brother/counselor figure anymore and maybe that's why it feels like it's finally falling apart.... i'm changing and he isn't... 

is this relationship a dead end? too much baggage to begin again somehow? all i really want is to open up my heart, to feel real love (the love of two people who are equal in each other's eyes, people who accept each other as they are)...how can we achieve this now after all these years of distance and dysfunction? is there any hope?


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## lonelymommy (Feb 12, 2014)

i realize i might have posted this in the wrong forum, admin please move to the appropriate forum (considering divorce)... thank you


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It sounds like the problem comes down to you putting aside your dreams for him and him not doing what he said he would, plus you being in a job you hate.
I recommend you decide what you want to do for work and stop trying to support him in taking advantage of you.
People should not live out their dreams at the expense of others and you can stop him from doing that, by pursuing your dreams in a healthy way that will support you and your family, without also allowing him to take advantage of you.
Once you are not subverting your dreams for his, the dynamics of your relationship will change and things could radically improve in your marriage as well.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

lonelymommy said:


> is it possible? is this marriage salvagable? this might be long... i'm in desperate need of perspective... i've been married for almost 9 years to *a man i've never been in love with* and it's eating me alive... *i feel trapped* in this... and don't exactly trust my own judgement... up until recently *i have had very little respect for my husband* and have been* losing virtually all respect for myself *ever since it started... i will start from the beginning...
> 
> Is there any hope?


You answered your own question in the first paragraph of your post. I'm sorry for your situation.


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