# I am also just recently separated



## Incognito78 (Mar 3, 2009)

Hello there, 

I only remembered I signed up for this forum yesterday when it sent me birthday wishes. Thank god I have somewhere to vent with like-minded people.

So here's my story. I am 39, ex-h is 34 (soon to be 35). We have been together over 9 years and will be married 7 in October. We have one 5 year old boy. A little background, we met online, connected right away. He was still living at home in mom's basement with huge computer set up in room. Major red flags for me, but he was a daycare worker and so nice and kind I thought he was a real catch. 

Our sex life was amazing in the beginning, but promptly died after 5 months and upon him moving in. I found out he had ADD and we thought perhaps his lack of drive was due to the medication. He chose to go off to see if there was an improvement, and there wasn't. He spent an enormous time on the computer and I was already complaining about feeling neglected at about a year. Fast forward, we got married. Things went downhill very quickly, with me telling my friends I don't know how long it will last. But now I was pregnant with our first child. We were struggling for money as he could never hold a job, his meddling mother was creating so many problems, to the point where he wouldn't speak to her.

So I have the baby, post partum, wicked depression. We had both gained alot of weight at this point. Our sex life was pretty much non existent at 5 years, the only time I could get any was because I initiated. He NEVER made the first move, ever. We had him tested etc to find out why. I felt so unloved and inadequate to the point that my self esteem suffered. Well, one day I was on his computer to get some pics of our son, and I found he was looking at porn, and created a secret folder to view it later. I was angry, because I pieced together why all the late nights on the computer, why our sex life sucks. He had a porn addiction (which I found out later). He wouldn't seek help, he decided to just shut off his computer.

I found out 6 mths after that that I had a very rare cancer. You'd think that would bring you back together, but it didn't. He left me alone for endless hours in bed recovering and never came to visit me. i decided i had had enough. I had a second chance to live and this man could care less. i tried to stay for the sake of our son, but i just couldn't. So I kicked him out. I found him an apt as he was not looking. And finally he left. I found out the extent of his porn problem after he left. While I was bedridden recovering, he spent countless hours in the basement leaving me alone while he cyber sexed and perused adult dating sites looking for encounters. I am so glad I told him to go. My counsellor diagnosed him with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Because of the attention seeking and lack of empathy.

What I still find hard to accept is that I am a nice looking woman, who would've done anything for him, and I kicked him out expecting him to show care. And he is loving it, and has said he doesn't miss anything other than my cooking. If you got this far, thanks for reading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this. What has happened to you is absolutely terrible.

There were many red flags which at the time you didn't see. The good thing is you recognize them now.

It sounds like you don't have a choice but for you and your child to move forward without him. He sounds like he has many issues that he's not ready to face and you can't force him to. Truth is a narcissist never feels they do anything wrong. It's all about them and what makes them happy.

Stay strong for you and your child. You are doing the right thing. 
(((Hugs)))


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry your here, and for the heavy load you are carrying.
He did not want to be married. He has some major maturity issues and who knows if its the ADD or the porn, or whatever else. And it doesn't matter anymore. You need and deserve someone who can love and support you and your child. You are going to make it through this. You are.


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## Incognito78 (Mar 3, 2009)

What really bothers me is how much he doesn't seem to care! He is already actively hunting another partner (because he can't be alone). Although he pretends he can be. It bothers me so much that he doesn't care that our marriage crumbled and we have a child now without a dad. I am so deeply resentful. I feel like my marriage was a big lie. How could I not see him for what he is?? My counsellor said people with NPD only care about themselves and use people for what they need. Clearly I wasn't doing that for him to throw away our marriage. I keep telling myself all the negative things about him that whomever he gets next will get a taste of when he gets comfy. Like he did with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he doesn't care. Your therapist is correct. He is not capable of empathy. Or probably much of anything else. So look at your marriage as a learning experience. Focus on your new life that you will create without him. You can make it a good one. We all make mistakes about people. Don't let that one hold you back.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my, I _so_ identify with what you've written. When I finally acknowledged the reality of my situation to myself, I had what felt like a small panic-attack. I hoped for a minute that it was a nightmare I could just wake up from. Ugh. 

It's good that you're divorcing. This isn't a marriage. 

And, I'm glad you beat the cancer! That's fantastic!!


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## Incognito78 (Mar 3, 2009)

Thanks northernlights, yes I am grateful the cancer is gone, but I have to keep a watchful eye. Deep resentment and stress triggers cancer in the body.

I just want to know why I am having such a hard time letting go?? I took my rings off 2 weekends ago. That was very emotional. Yesterday was my birthday, which I was sad about as it was alone. My son was visiting with the ex. He makes me feel so unimportant. To just treat me so terribly and toss me aside like garbage. It's no wonder I have had self esteem issues. But to be made to feel so worthless is going to take some getting over. Right now I found out my ex is continuing his hunt for his next victim and will most likely keep her a secret from me as he gets off on hiding stuff. I am grateful I have a son, this was the only good thing that came of it, but I wish I didn't have to see or deal with my ex anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Part of your story reminds me of my marriage. The low sex drive and porn. So sorry you had to deal with the rest


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Incognito78 said:


> Thanks northernlights, yes I am grateful the cancer is gone, but I have to keep a watchful eye. Deep resentment and stress triggers cancer in the body.
> 
> I just want to know why I am having such a hard time letting go?? I took my rings off 2 weekends ago. That was very emotional. Yesterday was my birthday, which I was sad about as it was alone. My son was visiting with the ex. He makes me feel so unimportant. To just treat me so terribly and toss me aside like garbage. It's no wonder I have had self esteem issues. But to be made to feel so worthless is going to take some getting over. Right now I found out my ex is continuing his hunt for his next victim and will most likely keep her a secret from me as he gets off on hiding stuff. I am grateful I have a son, this was the only good thing that came of it, but I wish I didn't have to see or deal with my ex anymore.


Friend, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster for a while, and you'll have to find the best way for you to handle it. And that's different for everyone - you have to find what works best for you. Personally, when I'm feeling down or missing my STBXH, I let the emotions run their course because I know this is part of the grieving process and that I need to deal with them; if it goes on a little longer than I would like, I start to talk myself out of it, reminding myself why it's a good thing that I'm getting un-married. (I'm pretty good about talking myself out of things, but this doesn't work for everyone.) And sometimes I clean 

Some people find that personal mantras work well, or meditation, or something like that. Maybe your counselor has some ideas to help you deal with the stress?

Also, maybe there are some suggestions from other people here on the boards?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Sweetie. I am so sorry to hear about your story. You seem like a very strong woman. Please take care of yourself and child and DO NOT let this man drag you into a pit. I know how hard it is to let go, but sometimes, by letting go, and letting be, you will gain a clearer perspective and be able to handle the situation without falling apart.

Take care.


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## Incognito78 (Mar 3, 2009)

Feminist, I have joined the gym, as my self esteem has been totally shot from the rejection in this marriage. I get guys trying to pick me up all the time, but the one I am married to and wanted, just couldn't give a damn. It hurts so much.

Painandhurt, I am trying not to let it get me down. But I have my moments. I just keep trying to tell myself everything awful about him to remind me why this is a good thing.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Incognito78 said:


> Feminist, I have joined the gym, as my self esteem has been totally shot from the rejection in this marriage. I get guys trying to pick me up all the time, but the one I am married to and wanted, just couldn't give a damn. It hurts so much.


Just remember, this "rejection" has nothing to do with you. I know it's hard to keep that in perspective, but it really is HIM and not you. It's clear that you are still an attractive woman, and that you are still desirable. If your husband can't see that, then he's a fool, and that's his problem.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

It is interesting to see the similarities in your husband and mine. As the years went by, it became more apparent to me that my husband was "different" to any other man I met in my life. First he was charming, complimentary, adoring - made me feel like the most special woman in the world. I was high off all the love and attention and truly believed I met my Prince Charming.

After we got married, it seemed I couldn't do anything right. No matter how kind, loving, and attentive I was to him, he didn't shower it back to me like he once did. It became a whirlwind of different faces. One day he would be bending over backwards to do something nice for me and then the next day, I was being ignored and barely spoke to. It seemed he enjoyed building me up, to tear me down. Every disagreement was my fault and he became such a bully, so self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. He would have no empathy for his behavior towards me. 

My self esteem plummeted and I would constantly walk on eggshells to ensure I never did anything to bring out the worst in him. However, after his announcement he wanted a divorce, I started looking back on our marriage and realized that I had been the perfect "victim". It wasn't until I finally started standing up for myself, that is when he gave me the D talk. What a coincidence! 

While I do still love my husband very much, I know that being in a a marriage like this, is incredibly unhealthy for me. I often wonder how I was fooled into thinking he was this lovely, warm, charming man who loved me so much. Obviously, the only person he loves, is himself


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