# Should substantial weight gain really matter?



## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I think this topic needs a new thread since an old one popped up recently. Millions of married couples go through this at some point. Let me first say I am a big guy. I have always been a big guy. Even when I graduated HS I was 5'11 245. So I was well above the so called desired weight according to the charts. I will say I was not all muscle by any means. But I was very athletic. Played football, baseball, basketball in HS. Was all state LB so I was not a lazy fat guy. After I got out of HS I grew 2.5" in 2 years and settled in around 275. Once again well over the charts definition of overweight but I was still very athletic and in good health. As I got older my metabolism started to slow. I did not eat more or become less active but I put on additional weight and topped the 300+ mark. So I say all that to show I have dealt with being "overweight" all my life. Heard the name calling in HS the entire time I was chasing down smaller RB, quicker and shiftier than the smaller guys on the basketball court. I know they were just trying to make themselves feel better by calling me names, especially since I was making them look bad play after play. So anyone who has not been over weight has no clue. 

Now, all that may he true. But I also put in the effort before I was married to drop from 315 to 270 before I got married. Why did I do this? Well, I wanted to for me and for my soon to be wife. I wanted to attract more women. So I worked harder and watched my diet and did it. Ok, women, dont throw stones here but lets get real for a minute. There are very few women on this earth that did not work harder when they were dating than they do after they are married. 98% put more effort and time into your hair, makeup, clothes, hygiene, weight and even personality when you were dating and looking to find a "man". You wanted to attract guys so you did everything you could to look your best. Now here comes reality. Once you got that guy, MOST women stopped working as hard after marriage. You got him, no need to work so hard anymore. Now its time to relax a little and enjoy life to the fullest. Here is where the weight gain starts. Its not be use you are lazy person, its because your priorities have changed. So I say this next bit as a man but its how most truthful people will answer as well. We all fell in love with out significant others for many reasons but all of us had some physical attraction for them. It was not ALL personality. Thats BS and I am the biggest proponent of personality is and should be the most important attraction to our partners. But even so, we found them physically attractive. So when their body changes for ANY reason this drastically. It does not matter if its health, eating habits or just lazy, it still effects you. And the one place its going to have the most effect on you is the bedroom when the clothes come off and your are intimate. Sure you can love them as much as ever, but attraction can and IS affected by their physical changes. Its thst simple. 

Many people reach the point where this change in attraction for your partner is controlling you. Sure it will have some effect. But you have to do one of two things. Find a way yourself to get over that obstacle mentally or do without sex. You may want your partner to lose weight but until they do you are the one who is letting your mind control your sex life. Be compassionate and kind, but share your feelings with them in a way that they understands your need to desire them deeply again. Let them know the extra weight is affecting you but you will work on how its effecting you just as hard as they are going to work to improve their body and health. And if you guys cant do this, you either have to live with things as they are or make changes one way or the other. 

I get people saying you should love your spouse no matter what and I agree 100%. But you cant manufacture true desire, passion and lust if its not in your heart. So you have to decide whats more important. The person you love and married or your sexual needs. Good luck with that choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree somewhat. 

Last year about this time I finally got up the nerve to put my foot down with my honey about his weight. 

I hate it.

What bother me the most is NOT his belly, but the flab around his face. From the moment he started packing on the pounds I told him I didn't like the way the extra weight made his face look all puffy.

Since last year, he has started and stopped several times. Right now, he weights 15 pounds more then he did last year. I can't sleep with him any more because his sleep apnea isn't being effectively treated with his CPAP, he needs new equipment. His snoring is loud I can't even watch TV in the same room.

It bugs the sh!t out of me! 

I've gained, I've lost, I've gained, I've lost. All in all over the years I look pretty much like I did when we got married even with the extra weight I now have. But I was very thin so I consider myself a normal looking 51 year old woman now. My honey is fat and I really wish he wasn't!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex husband became overweight after I'd lost some excess and telling him in a sensitive way ended very badly. He was exercising more but his eating habits were atrocious, so he'd ruin his own hard work. Considering he was slim when we met, (and this was definitely an attractive factor for me) the gain really turned me off because of where the weight went (stomach and face). I still put effort in sex but felt like I wasn't worth the effort for him to learn some discipline. I also worried legitimately about his health and wanted children. Thankfully we did not but nothing turned me off more about wanting children *with him* than how laissez-faire he was about his life style choices. I did love him, more than he will probably ever know, and for reasons far less shallow than his weight, but what I learned was that he was not respectful of my concerns. All he cared to hear was that his wife was calling him fat, mistreating him, and he was not actually LISTENING to the words I was saying...But all he's hearing is "Byotches be crazy," know what I mean? I rugswept my feelings because I was made out to be a heartless wife. The reason we split actually had nothing to do with weight, but it showed me that there was so much to his personality I was in the dark about anyway... 

Now with my new boyfriend, when we met, he was the classic case of "dating profile pics are 4 years old when I weighed 50lbs less." Some of his first words to me were that he recognized the excess weight and was working on losing it. The lies did bother me, but I enjoyed his personality, respected his honesty, and gave him the opportunity to show me, without nagging or prompting, whether he was serious or just telling me what I (and also he) wanted to hear. I was clear and up front from the start of our relationship:

- I value health, clean eating, moderate exercise, and good sleep. 
- My partner needs to value the above, too. 
- I want a fulfilling life with a man who genuinely wants to be with me and share that life. I will not nag or beg for what should come naturally. I will not issue ultimatums to get what I want. 
- I want a man who values his needs and makes sure they are met. A man who can't care for himself, can't care for a family. 
- I want children before it's too late and it is important to me that I have the maximum amount of energy to be an active parent. To me, this energy comes primary from living a healthy lifestyle. Parenting is an equal responsibility to me, so my partner has to share this goal. 

If any of the above didn't fly with him, I said that'd be no problem, you're just not the guy for me then. He said, my boundaries were fine. 

6 months in and he had actually gained some more, but I was watching his actions up to that point. I sat him down and told him that he said he was going to work on the weight, and all I wanted to know was: did he really, really want to, or did he enjoy his life the way it was? Because honestly, if he didn't really want to lose the excess and was telling me what I wanted to hear, that was fine by me, but I would have to part ways with him. 

There was no deception on my part, this was no ultimatum in the sense of "do this or else." I was following through with what he'd known since the beginning. He said he did want to lose weight, he hated the excess, he would make changes, I was right, etc...

2 more months go by, no change. 

I talk to him again, repeat my desire for him to re-evaluate what he REALLY wanted vs. what he wanted me to hear, because I will NOT continue forming a bond with him until he gives me an answer in his own words. Well, this was different. He knew I was serious, was so angry with himself (not me). He asked to leave and be by himself. He didn't lose his temper, but I'd never seen him upset before and he was trying to keep a lid on it. I let him go, gave space, he got back in touch in a few days. He's since been making strides and I'm being supportive. We'd never had such a serious discussion since dating and we learned a lot about each other in the process.

Know that peppered in between this story are many happy adventures we've shared, lots of intimacy, lots of fun. He has had an enormous impact on my life and I respect him greatly, I love him dearly, but for all that, I will not compromise the values that are important to me. The first time around I did compromise them, but I was younger, weaker, and afraid of losing what I had. I fear much less now. I accept whatever my choices net me, because it's my responsibility to choose wisely or risk being unhappy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I find that men do this much more often. They don't get the same societal messages that women do, and somehow many men have managed to convince themselves that women are less visual (crock of sh!t) so it doesn't matter. There are all kinds of movies where the big fat guy gets a hot woman (because he's soooooo nice and funny) but find one where the fat woman gets the hot guy. Porn is full of disgusting guys and fake women, but never the other way around (unless you go out of your way to find a fetish site for this). Women know men don't like extra weight, but it can be difficult to control and life happens. Men assume if they have a job and are providing women don't care. Lots of BS.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I've been married twice. My first wife (college GF) had a very nice shape. At some point she started letting herself go. In every way, not just weight. I had mentioned it a few times and encouraged her to go for walks or runs or the gym with me. So I started hearing "you'll still love me when I'm fat won't you....?" Initially my response was "why would you let yourself get fat?" After a few rounds of this my response was "yes, I'll still love you but we probably wont be having much sex" I was "terrible" at that point. 

I just think that if you know something is important to your partner and you intentionally head for it anyway, you're basically telling your partner "I don't love you" or at least "I don't love you enough to choose you over my.....laziness, food addiction, lack of will etc"


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Still waiting to hear other, especially women admit to putting more effort into their bodies and appearance when dating and trying to find a partner than they do once they found a partner. Its a natural inclination to slack off after you have found and married someone. You just feel you dont have to work as hard anymore. You kind of have them committed so you feel its much hard for them to just walk away so you slack off for a better word. 

Normally, women's bodies show extra weight much faster than mens so this is always an issue for women to not feel as attractive or their self esteem takes a hit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

I'm sorry to say but yes it does, my husband of 11years is now approx 30kg (66) over weight. Really he should be even smaller than that but he is very muscular. The weight that effects our relationship is carried around his middle. 

I started working out with a personal trainer about 18months ago and lost some weight in this time he put on weight even though I tried to get him exercise with me.

For me is wasn't until it effected our sex life that I really noticed how over weight he was. We haven't had sex in some time now and that is probably more because of me than him.

Having sex with someone that is this over weight is uncomfortable, it isn't enjoyable and he can barely keep an erection, it's no fun. On top of all that he has absolutely no interest in having sex at all.

Carrying a *little* extra weight isn't really a problem but when the weight effects other parts of your life it is a *big* problem.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I can't really say I put that much effort into it, Jamestone. I was just kind of myself with dh, and have been all along. I think marriage is pretty serious, and it is important to be transparent.

I weighed more when the kids were all little and driving me crazy. I coped by eating rich food.

I think it is easiest to lose weight when we have other, bigger interests driving us in life than what is the next thing on the menu. Does your wife have any strong interests that you could encourage?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Should substantial weight gain really matter?*



Jamestone said:


> Still waiting to hear other, especially women admit to putting more effort into their bodies and appearance when dating and trying to find a partner than they do once they found a partner. Its a natural inclination to slack off after you have found and married someone. You just feel you dont have to work as hard anymore. You kind of have them committed so you feel its much hard for them to just walk away so you slack off for a better word.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your expectation is a bit unrealistic. No one is going to enthusiastically respond to a question that sets them up for taking flack.
'Yes, I did that in my relationship ...' 

No different than asking the question, "Would you dump your partner if they became obese?"

Its loaded right out of the gate.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Still waiting to hear other, especially women admit to putting more effort into their bodies and appearance when dating and trying to find a partner than they do once they found a partner. Its a natural inclination to slack off after you have found and married someone. You just feel you dont have to work as hard anymore. You kind of have them committed so you feel its much hard for them to just walk away so you slack off for a better word.
> 
> Normally, women's bodies show extra weight much faster than mens so this is always an issue for women to not feel as attractive or their self esteem takes a hit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't gained weight at all but I did start to slack off in other ways after I got comfortable with DH.I started wearing less and less makeup,starting wearing my nails and toenails plain instead of painting them all the time.I stopped worrying about how my hair looked too.
I still wear some makeup and once in a while will style my hair and paint my nails/toenails. But nothing like I used to do.He doesn't seem to notice or care about makeup and those things so I don't get feedback when I do it...which is what made it easy to slack on doing it.

If he gained a ton of weight and wasn't concerned about losing it I would probably ask him to attend therapy with me.I'd like to think my compassionate side would take over and I'd try to help him through whatever caused him to gain.
If the weight gain was out of lazy gluttonous behavior I'd lose respect for him and ultimately leave.Not from the weight but from the loss of respect.

So..yeah I guess substantial weight gain does matter to me but my reaction will be dependent on the reasons for the weight gain and how he chooses to handle it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, I do remember thinking, after I had my first child, that it really didn't matter what I weighed anymore. I was a mother now.

But of course it did. My weight does not affect dh's attraction to me (he has told me and shown me through his actions), but it does affect how I feel. 

I didn't like being overweight. It was a hassle. As much as I enjoy rich food, it really is not worth eating too much of it and putting on too much weight.

The key question is, of course, how much is too much?


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes my question was not a safe one you can answer and not be subjected to flack. It was that way on purpose to see who could be honest and answer. Thanks ladies for sharing some honest answers. Scarlet, thank you for stepping up to the plate and open with the things you personally stopped doing. Your hubby made it easier for you if he seemed not to notice or be thankful you were doing those in the first place. Shame on him for not noticing. 

As for how much is too much. Well that can vary greatly. But when it starts affecting your own self esteem and confidence its too much, when it causes you not to be able to do physical things you did before with your partner its too much, when your partner comments its probably too much, when the passion and excitement leaves the bedroom unexplainably its too much. So there is not number, 10 lbs or 75 lbs. We have to be honest with ourselves and our partners. If its affecting them and their desire for us it should be very important to us. When your body changes to the point you are a different person it may be time you look to make some changes. Talk to your partner. But remember most MEN especially, will never tell their partner they are not attracted anymore or have lost attraction. But they do notice and it does effect them. I have talked with many men over the years about this and they ALL have said it does effect attraction but they dont want to hurt their partner so they would never say anything. Some men do tell their partner and as long as they do in the right way that is a very good thing. But guys who keep saying it does not bother them as she continues to gain more and more weight are lying to protect her feelings. Does a woman have to be skinny? Heck no. Give me a woman with curves and meat on her bones any day over the runway models who are skin and bones. Its a huge turn off for me to see a woman so thin i can see her ribs or too much bone throughout her body. IMO a sexy woman is smooth from head to toe and filled out in her skin. Women are suppose to be higher in fat than men. They are suppose to be soft all over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

SHOULD it matter or DOES it matter? 

Ideally it shouldn't matter, but it does. 

Like you were just saying, Jamestone, I would probably lose attraction if my H lost too much weight. I've always been attracted to bigger men, never anyone that would be the same weight I was or, God forbid, smaller than I was. 

In my first few years of being a mom I did the short bob and overalls thing. But after my youngest turned 2 I kind of had a resurgence and lost 20 pounds, kind of re-found my sexuality. 

Unfortunately since I turned 40 I regained the 20 pounds (over the course of 5 years) and am still hitting the gym and journaling my food every single day just like always. My metabolism has really turned sluggish, and what I used to do to maintain my weight has now become a slow gain. 

So I would not point fingers at anyone for 20 pounds. My H should lose 20 pounds as well, he's already suffering high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I wish he would take his health more seriously because I don't want to lose him, but it's not affecting my sexual attraction to him.

Now - I know a few ladies that have doubled their weight. That's a whole nother story.

Should it matter? In terms of unconditional love it should not matter - but it frequently does anyway.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: Should substantial weight gain really matter?*



Jamestone said:


> Still waiting to hear other, especially women admit to putting more effort into their bodies and appearance when dating and trying to find a partner than they do once they found a partner. Its a natural inclination to slack off after you have found and married someone. You just feel you dont have to work as hard anymore. You kind of have them committed so you feel its much hard for them to just walk away so you slack off for a better word.
> 
> Normally, women's bodies show extra weight much faster than mens so this is always an issue for women to not feel as attractive or their self esteem takes a hit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jamestone, in my case I actually lost about 20lbs during my first marriage (8 years total), and since my divorce, lost a bit more and have stuck at the same weight (give or take 3 lbs as I fluctuate) for the last 2 or so years. I'm a pretty strict pescetarian and have been so since I was 10. I just made some bad food choices in college. 

Since I'm not in a marriage situation at present, I won't begin to assume the kinds of habits I may or may not fall into, however I made it a point in my first marriage to be mindful of my health. I was also living in the UK for a while where there was quite a bit more social pressure to be slim.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I think a key point that people miss when it comes to substantial weight gain is how it effects other areas of your lives. My wife gained a lot of weight in the first year of our marriage and she has not lost it now, over ten years later. 

It makes her more tired, less interested in life in general, more moody, less physically capable of just about anything, less likely to want to hang out with people because she's self-conscious, she feels less sexy because she can't fit into the clothes she wants to wear, she has fewer friends due to her perception of what people think of her, etc. 

She doesn't even eat a lot, really. She just eats at the wrong times of the day and night, she eats food that exacerbates weight gain, she does no physical activity other than shopping, and she has been stressed. 

I'm hoping that addressing the stress will help the other things be easier for her to handle.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A huge weight gain would matter to me. Especially if my partner is doing nothing about it and can. 

Why? Because I like to eat right and exercise to keep my body and my life healthy. 



Jamestone said:


> Ok, women, dont throw stones here but lets get real for a minute. There are very few women on this earth that did not work harder when they were dating than they do after they are married. 98% put more effort and time into your hair, makeup, clothes, hygiene, weight and even personality when you were dating and looking to find a "man". You wanted to attract guys so you did everything you could to look your best. Now here comes reality. Once you got that guy, MOST women stopped working as hard after marriage. You got him, no need to work so hard anymore. Now its time to relax a little and enjoy life to the fullest. Here is where the weight gain starts. Its not be use you are lazy person, its because your priorities have changed.


Eh, no. Well, not for me, at least. I take pride in my appearance, exercising my body, doing my hair and looking nice/dressing well. When I was married, it was no different. My husband was the same. I am divorced now but nothing has changed in my life. I don't do these things I do to attract a partner. I do them for me. Because I feel better when I look better. I am of the thinking that you get one life so you might as well treat your body kindly and enjoy it. It may be some parts cultural, too. Latin women generally like to get all primped up. But yeah, I am one of those women who likes to look nice whether I am in a relationship or not. If I get off my exercise routine I feel horrible and sleep very poorly. I don't feel like me. 

One of my friends married a bigger guy. He was always big. I recently saw a picture of him and he looks like a house. He is probably thirty. Or thirty-one? She is pretty thin. She has mentioned to me a lot through the years that she worries about his health. I personally, as a woman, would probably not feel attracted enough to him to want to sleep with him. But that's just me.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I take pride in my appearance, exercising my body, doing my hair and looking nice/dressing well. When I was married, it was no different.


People who enjoy physical activity for its own sake tend to keep it up after marriage. People who find it a chore and only do it reluctantly usually let it go after marriage. 

I've told my single friends how to spot if their potential partner will stay fit after marriage. You don't ask them if they like to workout or exercise or whatever. You ask them two questions:

1. What physical activity have you done in the past?
2. What physical activity do you have planned for the future?

Obviously, they should be asked naturally, in the course of a conversation, rather than in that stilted point-form interrogation. Anyway, the reason is that just about everyone will give an answer that makes them look good. Some will even have full intentions of continuing after marriage, even though they won't, in reality. 

The ones who'll stay fit will be able to demonstrate a history of physical activity that they've done for shear enjoyment. And they'll have plans for the future, too. Stuff like, "I did the 5k Color Run last year and had a blast! I'm really looking forward to a half marathon later this year. I signed up already! Wanna come?" That's someone who'll stay fit. 

Someone who answers, "Yeah, I go to the gym. Gotta keep in shape, right? Hey, wanna catch a movie?" is not so likely to keep with it after marriage.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Screw physical activity. If I ever found myself single again potential partners are only being screened on sex.

:rofl:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Screw physical activity. If I ever found myself single again potential partners are only being screened on sex.
> 
> :rofl:



This is a very good idea. Fat men can be great sex partners.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I find that men do this much more often. They don't get the same societal messages that women do, and somehow many men have managed to convince themselves that women are less visual (crock of sh!t) so it doesn't matter. There are all kinds of movies where the big fat guy gets a hot woman (because he's soooooo nice and funny) but find one where the fat woman gets the hot guy. Porn is full of disgusting guys and fake women, but never the other way around (unless you go out of your way to find a fetish site for this). Women know men don't like extra weight, but it can be difficult to control and life happens. Men assume if they have a job and are providing women don't care. Lots of BS.


This bothers me too. Recently there's been a rash of Hollywood movies about funny fat guys that coral the thin beauty. Not only that, but for some reason there's been movies about dweeby geeky guys doing the same. What's all this about????

Not sayin it never happens, but I bet it HARDLY ever happens in real life.

Shouldn't annoy me, it's only movies, but I think it sends the wrong message!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Like 'lifeistooshort' says, it doesn't seem to happen in movies the other way around.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Men stroking themselves?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

At one point my weight was really out of control

That's because I really didn’t give a sh! t. I have come to realize that is disrespectful to our relationship.

I have since lost a ton of weight. My wife never said a word.

But...... now she touches me in places she hasn't in a very long time

55


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jamestone said:


> Yes my question was not a safe one you can answer and not be subjected to flack. It was that way on purpose to see who could be honest and answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to see some folks did give honest feedback.

My position is pretty well known. Yes, I would dump you if you became obese. Completely and utterly in misalignment with my lifestyle and my attraction radar. Doesn't mean I don't like or care about overweight people. I just wouldn't partner with one.

And I don't like'm soft.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Substantial weight gain would be a problem for me, and if not addressed, could become a deal breaker.

As for what I or anyone else "should" do, I see the word "should" as a dirty word that simply means someone's biased opinion. Deal with what IS, in reality. It's a lot harder to deal with what isn't, than what is!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think at the end of the day losing weight and getting fit has to be for yourself. If you're doing it for someone else I don't think it will stick.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Every single time.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I honestly don't know how the people who have to count every calorie and fat gram do it. I enjoy eating too much and that would be misery for me. I guess I am fortunate to have a good metabolism because I have never been overweight. I do try to eat a balanced diet and exercise whenever I can.

As far as makeup, hair, etc. I don't think my habits have changed at all since we were dating. Like JB stated, I do those things for me because it makes me feel better about myself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> This bothers me too. Recently there's been a rash of Hollywood movies about funny fat guys that coral the thin beauty. Not only that, but for some reason there's been movies about dweeby geeky guys doing the same. What's all this about????
> 
> Not sayin it never happens, but I bet it HARDLY ever happens in real life.
> 
> Shouldn't annoy me, it's only movies, but I think it sends the wrong message!


Do a google for the loser that interviewed women who'd rejected him to find out what was wrong with him. He's a chubby, homely guy and the women he's going for are wayyyyy out of his league, but I bet he thinks he's entitled to them because he's funny. And none of them want to be straight and tell him he's unattractive and they can do better even though that's what it is, because they fear judgment for the same thing men do all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Many TV shows portray a fat husband with a thin wife. King of Queens, the Honeymooners are two that come directly to mind. Hell...the Flintstones too!

It's common to see a fit wife with a NOT fit husband but how often do you see the opposite?

In 29 years together I have never NOT cared about my appearance. I feel better about me when the me I see in the mirror looks good. This has never changed.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Op
You spent a lot of time typing that long post, explaining your situation, but what it really and simply comes down to is either someone is attracted to you or not...you cant tell someone "you should be attracted to me if I gain 20 lbs"...

my ex and I always stayed trim and fit, but it was easy for us so we dont count...for many it is NOT easy

my coworker, worked together for 20 years off and on...10 years ago he meets this beautiful sexy blonde number, they date 2 years and marry...over the next 8 years she gains an alarming amount of weight...and its not just childbirth...she doesnt exercise, eats fast food and is always tired...she is HD and so is he but he isnt attracted to her anymore, she is obese by medical standards...so now he is in a sexless marriage and is considering divorce...she cant just tell him he should still be attracted to her, it doesnt work that way


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Missthelove, you must have miss read something. I never meant to imply you could ignore it successfully. Actually, I personally could not. I was just asking to get others thoughts on the matter. Its one thing to not be attracted to the same thing you were once attracted too. But when things change drastically it does effect you no matter how much you love someone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Catch-22: dieting *causes* weight gain

Research shows trying to lose weight alters your brain and hormones so you're doomed to pile it on again | Mail Online

When dieting, the body goes into starvation mode and protects itself by slowing metabolism. Some people try to kick-start the thyroid by "over feeding". Whatever the diet, it's important to avoid processed sugars, processed grains, industrial seed oils (canola, corn, soy, safflower, sunflower, grapeseed, cottonseed.). These polyunsaturated fats are high in omega-6 and transfats, and releases free radicals when heated - all leading to inflammatory disease, including obesity. Much better to stick with eating balance of carbs, protein and natural fats including butter, lard, coconut oil, olive oil.

Oh, and stay active throughout the day. Don't overdo cardio - it causes adrenal burn-out. Include resistance training.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Weight gain does matter for both sexes equally if you ask me.

If two people who don't exercise and aren't vain put on weight together then that's fine I am not judging them.

If one partner is vain and diets, works out regularly and takes care of themselves and the other doesn't it will only lead to trouble in a marriage.

Nowadays let's face it there are numerous activities people can do to maintain their body and looks, Kettlebells, Cardio Kick Box, Pilates, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, etc etc. Dieticians are everywhere, Personal trainers are everywhere. It isn't like the old days where the only choices were running and pumping iron.

Yummy Mummies are the norm now, most women take pride into getting back into their old clothes. It's a husband's duty to look good for his wife if he notices how hot his wife is looking especially after children.

I go through this on a daily basis. My wife is overweight by 15 to 20 lbs. 5'2, 145 to 150 lbs. The only thing she does is walks, nothing intense, basically doing that not to get any fatter. She doesn't set goals for herself like most women do because she won't be able to obtain them because she doesn't want to change her eating habits and work out intensily.

I am 41 now and running twice a week, lifting 3 times a week and eating greens like crazy to get back in the shape I was in my 20's. I do all the chores in the house she wants but I want to put on 5 to 8 lbs and lean out. It may not happen but I am going to try.

Weight gain isn't a deal breaker but it sure puts a dent in the sex life.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I will admit....being married twice...that I workout a heck of a lot more single than married.
Except when STBXH2 and I first got together, we used to workout together. When he stopped working out so did I, and was yo-yo with my weight since size 8 to 4 to 10
I am not going to forget about my health and body in my next relationship, it seems ridiculous to me that I let my priorities change so much, but live and learn!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes. Its easy for us to get too comfortable with our partners and forget what characteristics they fell in love with from the beginning. We all grow and mature but we fall in love with someone for all their attributes. So when those start changing drastically in marriage its hard to keep that same passion we had early on. DONT GET TOO COMFORTABLE in your relationship or it could crumble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

The weight gain and poor habits can dull any attraction spark which existed. The only people who wouldn't be vulnerable to this, would be ones who prefer people who are much heavier.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do a google for the loser that interviewed women who'd rejected him to find out what was wrong with him. He's a chubby, homely guy and the women he's going for are wayyyyy out of his league, but I bet he thinks he's entitled to them because he's funny. And none of them want to be straight and tell him he's unattractive and they can do better even though that's what it is, because they fear judgment for the same thing men do all the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The league has many ballparks... Physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional & social. People are complex and focusing on the physical is simply the low hanging fruit. I believe many couples end up separating because they ignore or discount the rest (or are simply oblivious). It's interesting to me that of these aspects of self, the physical fades fastest over time. Perhaps that is why we place such value on it. Once children are out of the picture, say at midlife .... I imagine our perceptions must change. What attracted you at 20 may not be what attracts you at 45 ... Perhaps that is the nature of growth (?)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> It's common to see a fit wife with a NOT fit husband but how often do you see the opposite?


In real life I see the opposite more often. Among the people I know, there is one couple where the wife is thin and the husband is fat. I know 4 examples the other way around. Two are extreme, both like the OP claims, where the husband is very fit and the wife is morbid obese.

In those four cases it was weight gain around pregnancies where the wife put on weight.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Jamestone said:


> Still waiting to hear other, especially women admit to putting more effort into their bodies and appearance when dating and trying to find a partner than they do once they found a partner. Its a natural inclination to slack off after you have found and married someone. You just feel you dont have to work as hard anymore. You kind of have them committed so you feel its much hard for them to just walk away so you slack off for a better word.
> 
> Normally, women's bodies show extra weight much faster than mens so this is always an issue for women to not feel as attractive or their self esteem takes a hit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband and I both let ourselves go after we got married. We started eating too much and schlepping around in track pants or pajamas. 

I've recently lost 20 pounds and my husband is running again. We both eat healthier and take more pride in our appearance. 

We slacked off because we got too comfortable. Though this is very common, it isn't healthy. Marriage is no excuse for letting our appearance go by the wayside. We all know this but many of us still become too relaxed about weight and flattering clothing.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Jamestone said:


> Yes. Its easy for us to get too comfortable with our partners and forget what characteristics they fell in love with from the beginning. We all grow and mature but we fall in love with someone for all their attributes. So when those start changing drastically in marriage its hard to keep that same passion we had early on. DONT GET TOO COMFORTABLE in your relationship or it could crumble.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

It is a struggle for many of us but you have to be willing to put the effort into yourself and the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

I'll come right out and say it: it matters. I take care of myself. I lift and run every day of the week, and Saturdays I play football. I don't do that **** because it's fun, or because I love feeling like I can't move the next morning. I do it so that women will continue to desire my body, and to maintain superior sexual performance. 

I would love to live in a world where appearances don't matter. That would be a wonderful world. But that world doesn't exist. Anyone who tells you different is lying.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband was big when we married, but also very fit. Yes, he was overweight, but not ridiculously so.

Now he weighs something like 378 lb at 6' tall.

I was very slender when we met. Over the years I let myself go as the marriage slowly plodded downhill.

During 2012/13 I shed about 60 lb and in an ideal world I'd get rid of another 14 or so. But, if I say so myself, I am looking pretty good again. In all honesty, I shed the pounds because I was looking to leave and figured nobody would be too interested in the whale I had become.

Hubby would swear that my size had nothing to do with his lack of performance/desire, but I can't know that for sure. I do know that the attraction is certainly back. But part of that will be me encouraging him; before, I was giving off the strongest of "back off" vibes, I'm sure. I wanted sex, but not with him.

As for him; well, at the worst low of the marriage I found him deeply unattractive. But now I'm quite happy to have sex with him.

Don't get me wrong; I would much rather he lose weight, for his health as much as anything else. Sex is rather a challenge with a belly the size of his, but we manage. The visual is a bit off putting at times, but nothing that closing my eyes won't fix.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

By the way you people shouldn't give a **** about weight gain, you should care about body fat percentage. I dated a girl who weighed 140 but she was thinner than that one actress everyone's fawning over these days.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Should substantial weight gain really matter? Yes... but I say that because of health reasons, not for physical attraction reasons. To me, attraction is a combination of physical, mental, emotional, etc. It is very important to me that those I love are healthy and well. Carrying around a few dozen extra pounds puts a lot of pressure on your heart, liver, kidneys, joints, and so on. 

For those that are overweight, dieting won't help because once you stop the diet, you just gain the weight right back. What needs to happen is for the person to make small, lasting lifestyle changes. Start eating healthier foods that will continue from then on. You can still have desserts and yummy food, but it's done in moderation. Then of course, exercise as well. 

My husband lost weight after we got married because he ate the healthier food I made instead of the more traditional unhealthier hispanic foods. We continue to stay in shape because it's healthy. Many times we'll have desserts and unhealthy foods, but never to an extent where we would gain a large amount of weight. I should also mention that exercise increases natural testosterone for both males and females, which then increases sex drive.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Should substantial weight gain matter? Absolutely. For most people....fat is simply not sexy or attractive. It is just not. Fat is usually a turn off. Something you have to close your eyes and try not to notice. You cannot just tell someone to change their opinion on that....fat does not turn most people on.

So, if your spouse does not find it sexy....don't blame them....lost the weight.


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

We just got back from 2 months in Italy. Generally speaking: Italian men are not fat. Generally speaking Italian women are not fat. Mrs. Sinner and I both noticed. Americans are grossly overweight. Generally speaking. It really is embarassing. 

Worse, they and the media make excuses for gross, ugly fat, over eating. News accounts of poor people going to food shelters and free food distribution points...fatties. Look at them, their butts are as big as barges. And we make excuses...look at pictures of America during the the great depression...rail skinny people. Look at people now hitting up the food shelters for free food; gross fat ass people. 

Yes, it matters. It's not healthy and if Mrs. Sinner were starting to fat, I'd tell her so. "Hunny, I didn't fall in love with a gross fat person, and I don't believe I can be in love with one. So, it's me or the highcalorie"

But, I'm just an old guy. (Is there a male equivalent for cougar?)


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

Oh and there's this....your fat ass raises my medical insurance premiums. So I have to pay for your indulgence. Your diabetes. Your heart problems. Your back problems. Your nasty fat attitude and depression. Yes, I know you're a victim. Yes, I know society is a heartless mistress. Oh, poor you....have another hamburger or four.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My observation is that obesity is so rampant in North America pretty much any woman of healthy body weight now appears hot. And there was a time when many foreign cultures were slimmer however they're catching up as they get sucked in by the marketing of the fast food culture. There was a time when you would never see an obese French woman. Now the young exchange students (early 20's) we have coming over are more often fat than not.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Substantial weight gain didn't matter to me, my DH is 6'2 and when we met he was 195, I look back at pictures and he looked way to thin, we gained weight over the years and he went as high at 275, he was miserable as he had always been very active. his weight gain didn't bother me one bit, I love him.

Now for me I'm 5'10 when we met I was thin and curvy, I remember wearing a junior size 10. I gained a lot of weight (60) with both kids and lost it after, it wasn't until my mid 30's that I fought to keep the weight down, I never let my appearance go as it makes me feel better to look my best, I always do my hair, make-up, nice clothing.

My weight gain did effect my husband and he didn't want sex with me for years, he would say I was beautiful but my weight bothered him, I know he compared me to the 5'2 100 lb porn stars. 

Its hard to keep weight off when you take medications that make you gain weight. I was bigger but not gross, we would go out and I would get hit on all of the time, he used to not care.

There was a point after years of being turned down and feeling ugly and unattractive to the person who is supposed to love me.

I noticed and allowed the flirtation of other men. It made me feel sexy, hot and desired. My attitude changed and I liked being hit on and ended up cheating.

We are 2.5 years past DDay. We both changed because of my bad mistakes, but he doesn't take for granted that other men find me attractive the way I am. In fact he has asked me to tone it down some as he has had to ask guys to stop checking me out in front of him.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I keep coming back to you have to get fit because you take pride in your appearance...not because you're afraid of losing someone. If you're doing it only out of fear it's going to be huge chore.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Should substantial weight gain really matter? Yes... but I say that because of health reasons, not for physical attraction reasons. To me, attraction is a combination of physical, mental, emotional, etc. It is very important to me that those I love are healthy and well. Carrying around a few dozen extra pounds puts a lot of pressure on your heart, liver, kidneys, joints, and so on.
> 
> For those that are overweight, dieting won't help because once you stop the diet, you just gain the weight right back. What needs to happen is for the person to make small, lasting lifestyle changes. Start eating healthier foods that will continue from then on. You can still have desserts and yummy food, but it's done in moderation. Then of course, exercise as well.
> 
> My husband lost weight after we got married because he ate the healthier food I made instead of the more traditional unhealthier hispanic foods. We continue to stay in shape because it's healthy. Many times we'll have desserts and unhealthy foods, but never to an extent where we would gain a large amount of weight. I should also mention that exercise increases natural testosterone for both males and females, which then increases sex drive.


:iagree:

My husband has lost 15 pounds since we got married.

On the other hand, I've gained 30 pounds in the past 4 years. 

I was deathly ill and skinny, so I needed to gain some weight. But now I do feel pudgy. I'd like to take off 5-10 pounds. But I am still in the healthy area of the BMI chart, so I don't let it bother me too much. 

Husband is constantly on me about exercising and eating healthy though. He hasn't drank soda in over half a decade, and exercises daily. I loathe exercise, and I love my soda.


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## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

Fitness definitely matters to me in terms of attraction. Should it? I'm not sure, but it does. There's health stuff that's concerning too when people aren't taking care of their bodies.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My husband has lost 15 pounds since we got married.
> 
> ...


 You don't have to "exercise" in the stereotypical way of going to the gym or running. You can exercise by doing other things that are more enjoyable. I don't "exercise" in the typical way, but enjoy hiking to see/explore new places. I take walks with my son, go swimming, dance around the living room(my son thinks it's funny, but you could do the tango or something else with your husband - oh la la ), play a sport, or so on. Just get creative with ways to get moving and be active. I'm not a gym person, never have been, but I have always been active. Also, if you 'exercise' with your husband, that can help keep you both motivated. 

As for soda... You can still have it, but it should be limited. If you try to cut it out completely, it typically just makes things worse(caffeine is addictive), so have a soda once or twice a week. Other times, drink juice, water, etc. 

I'm not a soda person(hate carbonation), but I'm a sucker for chocolate(bad). I just allow myself to have a small amount, instead of trying to cut it out completely and then overindulge because I crave it so bad. My husband thinks it's funny, but it works. We used to talk about it in nutrition class, so I know there are backed up evidence to support it(psychology behind it - have my BS in Health Science).


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> You don't have to "exercise" in the stereotypical way of going to the gym or running. You can exercise by doing other things that are more enjoyable. I don't "exercise" in the typical way, but enjoy hiking to see/explore new places. I take walks with my son, go swimming, dance around the living room(my son thinks it's funny, but you could do the tango or something else with your husband - oh la la ), play a sport, or so on. Just get creative with ways to get moving and be active. I'm not a gym person, never have been, but I have always been active. Also, if you 'exercise' with your husband, that can help keep you both motivated.
> 
> As for soda... You can still have it, but it should be limited. If you try to cut it out completely, it typically just makes things worse(caffeine is addictive), so have a soda once or twice a week. Other times, drink juice, water, etc.
> 
> I'm not a soda person(hate carbonation), but I'm a sucker for chocolate(bad). I just allow myself to have a small amount, instead of trying to cut it out completely and then overindulge because I crave it so bad. My husband thinks it's funny, but it works. We used to talk about it in nutrition class, so I know there are backed up evidence to support it(psychology behind it - have my BS in Health Science).


Oh I love swimming, and I work outside with animals a lot. So I'm not a complete slug. lol. Winter is harder.

The soda I don't let myself drink more than 3 a week. That still is too much really. But my work is stressful, and I feel soda takes the edge off.  I'm not much for chocolate.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I have to say these posts always bum me out. Hoping this doesn't get overzealously deleted (it's happened before) and let me be clear in saying I would not expect anyone to stay with someone obese or morbidly obese - however, isn't marriage a forever thing? I mean, if you don't tell someone upfront "Being anything over 25lb overweight is a deal breaker" is it really fair to berate or leave them over it?

A few years after I got married I gained about 40lb which I have since lost. It definitely stemmed from depression, both sets of my Grandparents died in a relatively short period of time. I was very close with them. My ex never once asked my feelings or how I was dealing with losing them. I was just expected to carry on like nothing happened. It left me feeling unsupported, sad, and depressed. Food became my comfort and medication. Not saying it's right, but that's what happened. 

I tried to do active things with my ex but was told "I ran too slowly." I lost some weight but received little praise or encouragement. I later gained it back. I joined Weight Watchers. He made fun of me and said he didn't want to hang out with "my new fat friends." He would point out women around my size and say how he found them disgusting. 

The thing is - whether I was a size 14 (back then) or a size 8 (now) plenty of guys were still attracted to me and hit on me. I'm sure it's the same for both men and women. Don't these judgmental spouses realize that instead of supporting your SO's weight loss (and more importantly, getting to the root of the problem that's causing the weight gain) they are essentially pushing their spouse away and into another person's arms?

I never cheated (he did though, thank God - finally clued me in I needed to leave) BUT 99% of the time someone is not overweight just because they like to eat and/or are lazy. I think it's the duty of the spouse to be supportive in figuring out the root of the problem and how they may be contributing to it. 

If counseling and support do not help after a year or so - I think an ultimatum is fair. But weight gain/loss of attraction is something I would expect is likely to happen occasionally in a lifetime union. 

Also - I've spent plenty of time all over Europe. A lot of people are overweight. Especially the French and Italians. I guess we see what we want to but that is my experience. Will say I only saw maybe 2-3 overweight people the entire time I was in Japan but most other countries I've been to are on par with the US.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> We just got back from 2 months in Italy. Generally speaking: Italian men are not fat. Generally speaking Italian women are not fat. Mrs. Sinner and I both noticed. Americans are grossly overweight. Generally speaking. It really is embarassing.
> 
> Worse, they and the media make excuses for gross, ugly fat, over eating. News accounts of poor people going to food shelters and free food distribution points...fatties. Look at them, their butts are as big as barges. And we make excuses...look at pictures of America during the the great depression...rail skinny people. Look at people now hitting up the food shelters for free food; gross fat ass people.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a lucky lady.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

This is a very good topic. Op I really respect you in the fact you brought up a difficult topic. Hubs and I were both great athletes before we married....he was a football player/body builder and I was a cheerleader and runner....that was almost 22 years ago...though.......we both have gained a little weight...maybe 20 lbs each..we have gotten lazy..... on that note......it is very, very important to stay in shape and be attractive for your spouse...one doesn't want to start looking like a different person...right? :scratchhead:


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

bravenewworld said:


> Sounds like a lucky lady.


She is. And so am.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Jamestone said:


> when your partner comments its probably too much, when the passion and excitement leaves the bedroom unexplainably its too much. So there is not number, 10 lbs or 75 lbs. ...
> But remember most MEN especially, will never tell their partner they are not attracted anymore or have lost attraction. But they do notice and it does effect them. I have talked with many men over the years about this and they ALL have said it does effect attraction but they dont want to hurt their partner so they would never say anything.


:iagree:

In some circles men are encouraged to feel like guilty, evil animals for admitting they've lost attraction to a gaining spouse. The stage beyond this one is total sexual incompatibility -- as in, it mechanically... won't work. Enjoy that.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If your partner's appearance changes dramatically after the marriage, I think you have cause to be disappointed.

The obesity issue in the US is just insane right now. Good Lord, a trip to your typical WalMart is depressing. Obesity is the rule, and attractive bodies a notable exception. We're sliding down the slope very fast, as seeing all these overweight people just makes it easier to allow yourself to blend in.

I'm very self-conscious, I guess; or maybe its vanity,but I cannot imagine allowing myself to appear overweight, and don't understand how others fall into the trap.

Like SailBadTheSinner, we took a trip to Italy a few years ago. It is starkly evident that obesity is out of control in the US vs the Italian/Europeans. Most of the overweight people I noticed were US tourists.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> In real life I see the opposite more often. Among the people I know, there is one couple where the wife is thin and the husband is fat. I know 4 examples the other way around. Two are extreme, both like the OP claims, where the husband is very fit and the wife is morbid obese.
> 
> In those four cases it was weight gain around pregnancies where the wife put on weight.


Not where I live. My oldest sister is the only couple I know where the wife has gained significant weight and the husband has pretty remained the same.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Weight gain shouldnt matter as its the soul that counts.

That being said I wouldnt desire my overweight partner physically, and their lack of respect for their bodies health and appearance would change how I perceived theor soul.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

People end up putting on weight for all sorts of reasons. Usually because of emotional issues ime. 

I wouldn't think less of someone who piled on weight, or lose respect for them, but I'd find them less attractive if they got really flabby and obese, like Jabba the Hutt. 

A man with a bit of a paunch can be quite sexy though, Jack Black totally does it for me. Then again, some men can just laugh a woman into bed.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Hubby and I have been married 17 years. We weren't really trim and thin then but I have gained 30 pounds due to BC/stress/middle aged tiredness. He has gained 100 due to meds/lowT/stress. Our increased weight bothers us but doesn't take away our attraction to each other. Every time I think about all the bumps life has thrown at us during our marriage and how we combined forces to get each other through them is the sexiest thing ever. His personality is a huge turn on. I don't notice the weight...just the man.


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