# How much time is too much to spend with in-laws?



## prayingforhelp (Apr 7, 2015)

In a typical month, we spend every Saturday and Sunday with the in-laws – see them in morning and don’t get home til after 10pm type of time. We see them on average 3 times a week Mon-Fri to meet them at a kids ball practice, dinner and/or dinner at our house with them staying longer. There is almost no time for what I call “us” time – me, her and our daughter. Her definition of marriage is confused with family. Her family is her mom, dad, brother, nephew and then our daughter and me. I am number 6 on the priority list. She has alienated me from my friends and family because we have to do EVERYTHING WITH THEM. To top it off, her mom is a “Queen” as defined in the borderline/narcissistic personality disorder characteristics so she is hateful to be around. Such a pleasure to be around. This is in addition to the 4-5 phone calls a day between them and multiple text messages.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IMO, family time being too much or not depends on each couple - if a couple is happy with it then it's fine. However, clearly you are not happy with this setting and you need more time. In this case, your wife should be considerate of your feelings and reach a compromise.

It's important for each of your needs being met and right now there is not enough intimate time between you and your wife. Being with her family the entire weekend seems a lot for average couples, perhaps your wife should compromise and reduce the time and focus more on you.

You are each other main family now, spouses are the unit center. When you marry each other you put each other as the most important above even family - you are each other's main family.

Just an advice, talk to your wife first but tell her that she should be the one telling her family that you are seeing them less. This is coz coming from her wouldn't ruin your relationship with her family or rise defensiveness from them (they might feel that you are taking away their daughter/sister). Your wife can tell them that she feels lack of intimate time with you so she needs a bit more time alone with you to date and maintain a healthy romantic marriage.
Tell your wife that you care a lot for her family so you are asking her to put it this way and not telling them it came from you to avoid hard feelings between you and them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Where is it written that you have to be around them that much? You can take your daughter and go somewhere while your wife plays daughter. Don't let her family dictate your lives.

Try to get your wife into counseling and cover the part of the marriage vows where it says to cleave unto each other. Your wife needs to break those apron strings.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

WAY too much time with the in-laws, IMHO.

Morning until 10PM on weekends, plus 3 times per week during the weekdays, including all of YOUR kids' sports activities? Ugh.

This is time you should be spending with your spouse, deepening your OWN relationship. And making time for your OWN family (you, your wife, your kids).

Once a week seems perfectly fine to me. At YOUR convenience, not some dictated schedule.

Your wife needs to cut the apron strings (or the umbilical cord).


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I was going to just be snarky and respond: "Any". In your situation, it needs to really be less than 8 hours a week, total, counting phone calls. Your W is hurting your M, by not cutting the ties.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

That is way too much time, she needs to be spending way less time with them and way more time with you and your children. She is married and is a wife first. Tell her this and just because she is over at her parents all weekend doesn't mean you have to be. Start being too busy to go over there, you are enabling her relationship with her parents by spending all of your time there too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm another one for the "any" time is too much with in laws, rofl!

Your wife needs realise that her immediate family is you, her and your children. Inlaws are extended family.

I'll never understand grown adults who are so enmeshed with their mummies and daddies. Pathetic.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about one weekend day per month with her family and one weekend day per month with your family. This leaves you plenty of time for your immediate family and fitting in some friend time. Cut down the midweek associations, too. You two need to make a life for yourselves.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Wow that would be horrible. I thought my situation was bad. I see my inlaws on average four times per month.Like you my wife is on the phone to them constantly. Drives me crazy.

I would like to say just talk to your wife about it. Although, I know if your wife is anything like mine that would probably not go well.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Wow, your wife sounds pretty young.
If you have enough funds... try to tell her you are going to plan a family (immediate only) trip.
Go camping, a kids' park (Six Flags, WIsc Dells, Silver Dollar city..etc) place, fishing trip.., local, but not "too local" museums..etc. - You get my drift.(not all these things, just pick one).


Anything that it's just the three of you. But tell her ahead of time, you want phone contact shut o-f-f with the outside extended family. (Explain that it includes her mother/father,etc).

Then, the next weekend. Go to your parents on Sat OR Sun morning only. leave after lunch, or by lunch.. and then go to lunch with just the 3 of you.

When you've passed both weekends, say to her "Now, hasn't this just been a peachy wonderful two weeks?? I wonder why it was so awesome?" And see if she figures it out from there.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you were asking me how much is too much time to spend with my MIL I'd say "ANY". SIL is fine though.

My poor DH actually lives with his ILs, so he's got it tough at the moment. He's good though, and they're good generally. He knows he and the kids come first for me, so we're coping with it. It's not forever.

The most I think a partner can expect from their spouse in regards to spending time with extended family is one dinner a week, and occasionally something else. One night a week is more than enough. The rest can be on their personal time, such as when you wouldn't be together anyway.

Either start putting some boundaries in or your life will be miserable. Just say "No". Practice in the mirror if you have to, lol.


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