# Sex after kids



## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

Women I know having kids makes some marriages decline in sex frequency. My wife says having kids has altered her body and she doesn't want it at the drop of a dime anymore. Any thoughts
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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Start dropping quarters?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

You're screwed. Sorry
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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

In the words of the great John McClane from Die Hard....."welcome to the party, pal"


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

It's hard to feel "sexy" when you have a baby attached to you. I'm breastfeeding my son and have very little interest in sex, although I still do it for my husband's sake. A woman's body goes through a lot of changes postpartum, so you'll have to be patient. Eventually the hormones even out and things get back to a new normal. Just have to make time for sex, when the kids are asleep.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

The kids are almost 2..I hope the hormones even out soon..lol
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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

Cora28 said:


> Do you have twins? I ask as having twins took a huge toll on my body both the pregnancy and the aftermath. My hormones took over a year to settle and I know this as I have a thyroid condition and it was all over the place (I had regular 3 month check ups). Sex was the last thing on my mind as looking after 2 newborns wore me out completely (I didnt get much help from my H either) plus the actual birth (ventouse + forceps) and an episiotomy left me feeling quite ´invaded´ down there.
> 
> I suggest talking to your W about this and gently finding out where she is and also expressing your needs. You may find she misses you just as much and some time is needed for you when the kids are in bed.
> 
> ...


Hi they are sleeping through the night since they were about 6 months. No longer breast feeding
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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Sounds like you better get used to the new status quo. And every excuse in the book for not having sex. Sorry man.
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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

We had twins too and two others all under the age of six. While sex may not have always been every night, we still did have it, but at times we were both exhausted. We made it through that and more though with a lot of love and patience on both our parts.


Things eventually got back to some kind of normalcy, but then what is normal when you have four little ones. Just keep up the lines of communication, you both need to share your feelings and concerns, always!

Now we enjoy all four and all their little ones and enjoying being empty nesters


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I have a not quite one year old. I still flowing a little have not had posted partum checkup so all i can do is take care of hubby. I climbing the walls! I can't wait for some sex after kid LOL! Unfortunate we still can't decide on a birthday control plan. I guess that's an accident waiting to happen!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I have a not quite one year old. I still flowing a little have not had posted partum checkup so all i can do is take care of hubby. I climbing the walls! I can't wait for some sex after kid LOL! Unfortunate we still can't decide on a birthday control plan. I guess that's an accident waiting to happen!


"not quite one year old"? I was thinking you just had your baby recently.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

My sex life was badly interrupted by children. As I'm typing this I have been involved in a drive by shooting from my son in a Barbie car and fake gun. While my daughter is running behind him screaming get our of my car.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

mark33 said:


> Women I know having kids makes some marriages decline in sex frequency. My wife says having kids has altered her body and she doesn't want it at the drop of a dime anymore. Any thoughts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wonder how many men become beggars or needy, because of this very issue. If it goes on too long then...get help and/or look at the phone records.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some moms just don't care for sex. I don't get it.... for me sex is soothing, distracting, selfish, satisfying, GROWN UP, etc..... all NOT KID stuff. I loved it.... still do now that the kids are grown! 

BUT, I guess you have to ask her what it MIGHT take to make her feel sexy more often? Is it words of affirmation from you? Is it some alone time to re-group? Maybe she needs more help from you? Who knows? She may not even know.... but ya gotta start somewhere. The kids are only going to get bigger and busier!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife's sex drive dropped drastically after our second,child. She is still unhappy with her body and it's been over a decade. She gained a lot of weight during that pregnancy and although she dropped the majority of it, she is self conscious about it still. 

I'm sure that has had a lot to do with her drive. Even though she always has and still looks fantastic to me.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

I tell my wife she looks great and I mean it but she seems to be self conscious also
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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I got my wife pregnant we got married when she was 16 and I was 17. We had a baby 6 months after we were married. We had 2 more; 3 by the time we were 25 years old. Sure, I did not get as much sex as I wanted...I wanted it every day. Part of that was due to problems in our relationship, mostly from me. I did not treat her very well and I did not do much to help out with the kids. 

That being said, I had a weekday off when the kids were in school so we would spend the day together and would usually have sex. We also got away alone a few times a year to a hotel or bed and breakfast. And then there was our time after the kids were in bed.

My advice to any man (you may be doing this...I don't know), make sure your wife's needs are being met. If she is a stay at home mom, she needs adult conversation when you get home. If she works, she needs your help big time. Have date nights, be attentive and romantic, get away without the kids, make your bedroom your private place...lock the door. Your relationship is more important than anything. Someday the kids will be gone.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

romantic_guy said:


> I got my wife pregnant we got married when she was 16 and I was 17. We had a baby 6 months after we were married. We had 2 more; 3 by the time we were 25 years old. Sure, I did not get as much sex as I wanted...I wanted it every day. Part of that was due to problems in our relationship, mostly from me. I did not treat her very well and I did not do much to help out with the kids.
> 
> That being said, I had a weekday off when the kids were in school so we would spend the day together and would usually have sex. We also got away alone a few times a year to a hotel or bed and breakfast. And then there was our time after the kids were in bed.
> 
> My advice to any man (you may be doing this...I don't know), make sure your wife's needs are being met. If she is a stay at home mom, she needs adult conversation when you get home. If she works, she needs your help big time. Have date nights, be attentive and romantic, get away without the kids, make your bedroom your private place...lock the door. Your relationship is more important than anything. Someday the kids will be gone.


Good advice
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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

All I can say is be prepared for an uphill battle... I have been fighting this for almost 4 years now since the birth of our first. Having a second was a big setback.... Slow recovery, but I am finally making some progress.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

Well I guess its nice to know im not the only one
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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

mark33 said:


> Women I know having kids makes some marriages decline in sex frequency. My wife says having kids has altered her body and she doesn't want it at the drop of a dime anymore. Any thoughts


This is a complaint that a lot of married men have after they have children, myself included.

I had to do some research and found a lot of this boils down to basic chemistry. Before kids, most women enjoy sex with their husbands. Sex is like exercise and releases hormones into your body that make you feel good and help bond with your partner. Kind of the afterglow of sex.

After children, the dynamic changes a little. The men are still looking to bond with their partner and enjoy sex. After birth, women are typically taking care of their babies. They develop a strong bond with the babies, expecially those that breast feed. All that bonding with the babies releases the _same hormones_ as when they were having sex with their husbands. This will go on for years since you spend a lot of time with your kids when they are younger.

In a nutshell, women are getting all the happy hormones they need to feel good by just spending time with their children. Between work, a marrital stress, and taking care of the babies, a lot of women are tired. But they are chemically satisfied due to the bonding with the kids and they really have no need for sex. As I was told, "I could never have sex again and be happy." Of course they are happy, they are still getting the hormone rush without the need for sex.

Pile on top of that the stress of post baby body and a husband looking to have sex. I took me a while, but I can understand why sex tends to decline after kids. Does not make me happier, but I understand a little better.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mark,
Can you quantify decline?

And is your wife a SAHM?




mark33 said:


> Women I know having kids makes some marriages decline in sex frequency. My wife says having kids has altered her body and she doesn't want it at the drop of a dime anymore. Any thoughts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I will cut most of the details out (as I have spelled them out in other threads) but my main fear is that our virtually nonexistent sex life will become completely nonexistent after the child is born. That is unacceptable to me. That is harsh but is how it is. 

It sounds bad to leave your wife after just having had a child but I have waited long enough. I read the post submitted by C3156 and that just makes the decision even tougher. I want to be understanding and wait it out but having less than what we are now is not something I want to suffer through.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Most of our friends complain that sex slowed down drastically if not out right stopped after childbirth...and many of these kids are teens so its been a while

one thing I noticed is the couples whos sex life didnt change, or if anything got better were where the wife had a C-Section

My wife did NOT have a C section...I watched the birth and agreed with what she told me months later "after what childbirth did to my vag, be glad I let ANYTHING in there again" lol...she was kidding somewhat but still...birthing a 7 lb baby through the vag is not pretty, its painful...I wonder if the sensitivity returns...yes yes yes the clit is the main attraction, but most women do enjoy some vaginal stimulaiton as well...I noticed my wife's G-spot wasnt what it used to be after childborth, that it was definitely mostly about the clit after that!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe they get some feel-good horomones from bonding with the babies.... but if they never or seldom come back to the H..... then that is on them. At some point they are CHOOSING not to bond with H. Unconsciously maybe? Or consciously. 

Why would ANYONE not want sex????? Babies or not???

I had a c-section then 4 normal births in 6 years...... it most likely doesn't "ruin" the vag. If she thinks it does, then that is a job for the doctor. Otherwise, it's just another excuse. I'd rather make excuses to get out of doing laundry or dishes... not sex!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe they get some feel-good horomones from bonding with the babies.... but if they never or seldom come back to the H..... then that is on them. At some point they are CHOOSING not to bond with H. Unconsciously maybe? Or consciously. 

Why would ANYONE not want sex????? Babies or not???

I had a c-section then 4 normal births in 6 years...... it most likely doesn't "ruin" the vag. If she thinks it does, then that is a job for the doctor. Otherwise, it's just another excuse. I'd rather make excuses to get out of doing laundry or dishes... not sex!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

For us, it was a temporary thing. 

It didnt take long to bounce back though once we adjusted to the 'new normal' in our lives with the added kids. It might have been a couple years before we were back to full steam - but I'm not at all surprised. Frankly we were both sleep deprived and stressed and knocked out of our routine for a few months there. 

Make sure you both set some time together... doesnt have to be 'date night' or anything formalized - but taking the time to chat over a quiet dinner if you can manage it wil keep the lines of communication open. No - your wife isnt getting 'all the happy hormones she needs' just because she had a baby - and no a c-section has nothing to do with anything either.

Its part of raising a family. There are dips and crests - there is no formula for how often you have sex - and I believe that if everything else in your life is going very well... sex just happens.

I know how smug that might sound and Im not saying that plenty of people on this board do not have legitimate problems with sex that are not their fault - but I also believe - just based on what I see in actual people I know - that its more typical that this isnt some gigantic problem just because you have kids. 

So if you read 'welcome to the club'... keep in mind the self-selected pool of people that are telling you its all gloom and doom from now on.

Our kids are 8 & 10 now and can say that our sexlife has never been better. Could be coincidence but seemed to coincide with when I got a Vasectomy and she got off the pill after being on it for 25 years. Shrug. Maybe, maybe not. We're not complaining.

You say she is self-concious - does she have confidence problems generally or is this new? How old are you both?


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

My wife had a c section so hopefully her hormones will will return to normal soon
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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

mark33 said:


> Women I know having kids makes some marriages decline in sex frequency. My wife says having kids has altered her body and she doesn't want it at the drop of a dime anymore. Any thoughts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.

My deepest sympathy.


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