# To leave or not



## Momof2boygirl (6 mo ago)

My spouse and I have been married 14 years. He says he no longer wants to be married or in a relationship but doesn’t want to get divorced because he doesn’t want to leave the family or house. We have two young children. He no longer wears his wedding ring and hangs out with his friends that are divorced any chance he can get. He says he has been miserable for the last nine years and is to hurt to move forward and that I’m a mean person. He said he has said over the years that if I didn’t change how I talk to him that he would leave and now he is going to. He said it’s his personality. Once he is done, he is done. We did one session of marriage counseling and he said he won’t go again bc he’s not working on the relationship. He did start going to individual counseling. He claims it’s to help him get clarity. He says he will always love me but the only thing that is holding us together is sex, which is still happening more now then ever. He claims that’s been the only reason we have still been together for so long. He said it’s the only thing that works in our marriage. He will have sex with me and then one time said he doesn’t know why he can’t stop bc he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. He said he thinks something is wrong with him. He thinks we are no longer compatible and have nothing in common. I tell him we can start over and he says no that is never going to happen. Do I file for divorce or wait for him to have a change of heart? I still love him and have told him I want to work on the relationship but he feels there is nothing left that he can give. I’m at a lost as to what to do. I don’t want divorce but I feel like there is nothing else I can do at this point if he doesn’t want to work on us.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Momof2boygirl said:


> He said he has said over the years that if I didn’t change how I talk to him that he would leave and now he is going to.


I don't have any sense yet of what your relationship was _like. _

What did he say about how you talk to him? Did you try to change it?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Momof2boygirl said:


> My spouse and I have been married 14 years. He says he no longer wants to be married or in a relationship but doesn’t want to get divorced because he doesn’t want to leave the family or house. We have two young children. He no longer wears his wedding ring and hangs out with his friends that are divorced any chance he can get. He says he has been miserable for the last nine years and is to hurt to move forward and that I’m a mean person. He said he has said over the years that if I didn’t change how I talk to him that he would leave and now he is going to. He said it’s his personality. Once he is done, he is done. We did one session of marriage counseling and he said he won’t go again bc he’s not working on the relationship. He did start going to individual counseling. He claims it’s to help him get clarity. He says he will always love me but the only thing that is holding us together is sex, which is still happening more now then ever. He claims that’s been the only reason we have still been together for so long. He said it’s the only thing that works in our marriage. He will have sex with me and then one time said he doesn’t know why he can’t stop bc he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. He said he thinks something is wrong with him. He thinks we are no longer compatible and have nothing in common. I tell him we can start over and he says no that is never going to happen. Do I file for divorce or wait for him to have a change of heart? I still love him and have told him I want to work on the relationship but he feels there is nothing left that he can give. I’m at a lost as to what to do. I don’t want divorce but I feel like there is nothing else I can do at this point if he doesn’t want to work on us.


Welcome to TAM.
I’m sorry for your broken marriage, it sounds very difficult for you.

Why are you considering staying if he has so clearly and completely rejected you as his wife? I know you love him and want to fix it, but it takes 2. One person can’t fix it, and from what you described he isn’t going to.

To me he sounds like a cake-eater. He wants his single life with the boys (and girls?) but wants you at home for sex and family. If you’re ok with that type of relationship then stay and work to make it better.

But in my opinion, you should put on you big girl britches and put a stop to being treated like this. Let him go be with his peeps and you stand on your own two feet for a while. You may just find someone who will treat you right.

Best of luck to you @Momof2boygirl


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old are the kids?


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## Acacia Avenue (Oct 21, 2021)

You'll, most likely, not see any change unless you're willing to divorce him or at least seriously contemplate divorce and what that means to you. That's when you'll start to see what needs to be changed within yourself in order to help your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Momof2boygirl is what he told you true? Or is he reinventing the history of the marriage in order to make you look like the bad guy?

Is he cheating on you and the children?

Have you seen a lawyer?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So what I am getting from this is you both say that deep down you love each other. Neither of you actually wants to divorce. You still have a marital sex life. He doesn't want to file and you don't want to file. but he claims you nag on him too much and he'd rather hang out with his buddies. And don't like that he is an ass to you most of the time and treats you like an annoyance other than when you're in bed. 

To me this sounds like a traditional marriage other than you may be having more sex than many of your peers. 

Y'all may not be blissful and happy with each other all the time. 

But you each must be at least getting your basic needs in a marriage met because each of you is still there and neither one is packing up anything to leave. 

At last count there were 67,296,716 marriages just like this in America. 

One of which is mine in a way so I can relate somewhat. Each person may grumble as they go about living their primarily separate lives. But neither has quite pulled trigger yet. 

Without intervention this can go on for years and there are people out there that have been in this state for decades. 

One one hand, it kind of what marriage is and when both parties are getting their basic needs met to where neither is going down to the court house to start the paperwork, one can make the argument it is working. 

The risk however is it will take just one trigger to blow the whole thing up. It's just a matter of time before one of you meets someone else or until there is one snide remark or one argument too many or you get to the point that if one of you leaves his/her dirty socks on the floor one too many times, one will be pulling the ejection handle and punching out at 10,000 feet.


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## Momof2boygirl (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> I don't have any sense yet of what your relationship was _like. _
> 
> What did he say about how you talk to him? Did you try to change it?


He says I became mean and said hurtful things once our second child was born. I know I have said mean things out of frustration and did try to change things. The blame is always on me though and that he does nothing wrong.


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## Momof2boygirl (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> How old are the kids?


Eight and ten


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## Momof2boygirl (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> @Momof2boygirl is what he told you true? Or is he reinventing the history of the marriage in order to make you look like the bad guy?
> 
> Is he cheating on you and the children?
> 
> Have you seen a lawyer?


I feel like he wants me to be the bad guy. I do not think he has cheated and he tells me he never has. I have not seen a lawyer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then seeing a lawyer should be your next move.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Why are you allowing this to happen? Stop having sex with him. See a lawyer. He wants out -- show him the door & move forward with your life. However you got here, this is where you are. Stop living in limbo.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

If this is unsatisfactory for you, then you should pull the trigger and get out.

My Ex wasn't mean to me, but she could at times be unpleasant to be around, but that isn't a reason to just shut down. I find it curious that he is going to IC for clarity. That could be good or bad. Either way, I would get some clarity too. If you're life is isn't in order, emotionally or financially, I'd begin to get that house in order. The best preparation for being divorced in my opinion is having your finances in order and being comfortable being alone for awhile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Having sex with someone who’s tired of being married to you and is apparently pretending to be single is a big mistake. Don’t.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Honestly, I’m just sitting here wondering how you can have sex with someone who feels that way about you. For me that would be impossible!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Without getting defensive, take a good, honest, hard look at yourself and ask if you are or have been doing things to drive him away. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Think back to the time when you were dating him. When you were trying to make him yours. How do you talk to him differently now compared to then? How do you dress, walk and act differently around him now compared to then? You have already admitted that you say mean things to him. Try this; stop being his wife and be his girlfriend. When he comes home, be wearing something nice, bring him a beer or whatever he likes to drink and sit on his lap and ask him about his day. See how he responds to that. 

My wife and I went through a time where she was just hateful toward me. We too had two young children at home. I was working the night shift and had just gotten up one afternoon when she started in on me. That's when I told her that 'I had rather work double shifts and sleep on a cot at the plant rather than come home to you.' That one statement opened her eyes and she realized what she was doing to us and our marriage. Not saying that's what's going on in your marriage, but you need to look inwardly at yourself and see what you are contributing to the problem.

You have two young children. Do you really want to create a situation where you only see them 50% of the time for the next 10 years?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Momof2boygirl said:


> He says I became mean and said hurtful things once our second child was born. I know I have said mean things out of frustration


I suggest you stop that, if you want to be with him. Or, leave.


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