# Looking for a guys perspective...



## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Without getting into details I just want a simple perspective on the following:

A married man has escort contacts saved in his email contacts list.

He paid for an adult dating site (profile is free but paid for credits to contact other people).

Travels on business constantly so there's ample time.

Has always had passwords and just recently allowed me into his computer. Everything was basically wiped clean but I did find the above.

There's other stuff but based on the above four indicators can you answer the following questions.

1. What are the chances that this is just a fantasy life and never crossed into infidelity?

2. What are the chances that a married man would go to this degree and not follow through?

3. What are the chances that what I found is the only thing he's done?

Thank you for your perspective here.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Contacts saved into his phone.....bad sign.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I agree with Richie. I would say chances for all of the 3 questions is very small.

You said "everything" was wiped clean. How do you know that? If you are sure there were lots of things deleted/wiped clean before you got access, than I'd say chances of your 1, 2 & 3 are virtually nill.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Zero, zero, and zero. I'm sorry, he's neck deep and always has been.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

what are the odds a guy went to the trouble of saving contacts into his email and never used them? Extremely small to none.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

A little window shopping would be excusable, but with the contacts saved in his phone he's clearly entered the store and made a purchase.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> 1. What are the chances that this is just a fantasy life and never crossed into infidelity?


Only if he wasn't able to seal the deal. He's looking to cross even if he hasn't already crossed.



whataboutthis? said:


> 2. What are the chances that a married man would go to this degree and not follow through?


Zero. He's really trying to follow through.



whataboutthis? said:


> 3. What are the chances that what I found is the only thing he's done?


Low. He's likely on several other free sites as well.. and if he's gone this far there are probably texts/calls you're unaware of too. Time to request a list of calls from your cell provider.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Contacts saved into his phone.....bad sign.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Richie. Contacts were in his email. Not phone. I didn't have access to his phone. When I did get access to his phone I found several women's numbers but first names only. I've done internet searches and haven't been able to come up with anything on them.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

pb76no said:


> I agree with Richie. I would say chances for all of the 3 questions is very small.
> 
> You said "everything" was wiped clean. How do you know that? If you are sure there were lots of things deleted/wiped clean before you got access, than I'd say chances of your 1, 2 & 3 are virtually nill.


I know everything was wiped clean because he gave me access after we had a discussion about his passwords. When I logged on to his computer several files were missing (empty folders). Emails were deleted. Search history deleted. The only thing I found not deleted was his email contacts. I found several questionable addresses but two had domain names that matched an escort company in a city he traveled to on average of four times per year. I also found evidence of other email accounts and social media profiles. When I broke into those they had recently been inactivated by him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WAT,

Have to say it doesn't look good

Sorry


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

whataboutthis? said:


> Without getting into details I just want a simple perspective on the following:
> 
> A married man has escort contacts saved in his email contacts list.
> 
> ...



I'm really sorry to hear about this but all indicators lead me to believe he has been exchanging money for sex for sometime now. You have several options to get some sort of closure.


Hire a private investigator in that area where he travels.
Check bank records(if you have records) and checking for large cash withdrawals or other questionable transactions. High food bills are tip off. 
 Check phone records. If he uses a prepaid then not much you can do.

Now the second one is hard to do if you do not have access to financial records or he is hiding assets in a separate account that you do not know about. 

If you are running Windows 7 or 8 you can right click on the folder that's empty and go to properties, in here you can click on "previous versions" and might find more information.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

whataboutthis? said:


> I know everything was wiped clean because he gave me access after we had a discussion about his passwords. When I logged on to his computer several files were missing (empty folders). Emails were deleted. Search history deleted. The only thing I found not deleted was his email contacts. I found several questionable addresses but two had domain names that matched an escort company in a city he traveled to on average of four times per year. I also found evidence of other email accounts and social media profiles. When I broke into those they had recently been inactivated by him.


You don't need any more evidence, he's cheating. I'm sorry.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Only if he wasn't able to seal the deal. He's looking to cross even if he hasn't already crossed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Sanity said:


> I'm really sorry to hear about this but all indicators lead me to believe he has been exchanging money for sex for sometime now. You have several options to get some sort of closure.
> 
> 
> Hire a private investigator in that area where he travels.
> ...


Sanity,

Thanks. I have gone through all financial records, phone records, paypal, etc... That's how I found the ****** ******* charge. When he travels he takes per diem in cash and works off cash. His travel is typically 2 weeks to 1 month at a clip. He has a habit of opening accounts, paying them off, closing them and opening other accounts. Unfortunately I cannot get records from the closed accounts. So I don't have access to anything but our current two accounts. I found another AM change on one of them to remove his profile (14 months after the first charge and credit purchase). 

Phone records are crazy. Only have access to two years. He typically calls about 150 numbers per month. The reoccuring numbers are work contacts I have identified. All other numbers appear two to six times and never appear again. No access to texts. 

He is now in a stage of repentance and earning my trust, although I have moved out because I don't believe one can earn trust without honesty. He claims it was only fantasy, he never acted on it or had any intention to do so and I know everything. Because I do not believe that I'm kind of stuck. Can't move toward R if I feel I'm being lied to. So he's not going to continue these antics in the short term. Hiring a PI would be something I would do in the future if I was able to R. Right now he's on his best behavior.

I guess that's why I wanted a perspective on this behavior, to help me to identify if there is any chance he may be telling the truth. I don't think he is and from the responses so far, I believe my gut is right on target.

Thanks.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Don't get sucked into being a victim. This guys has serious problems and needs to be alone to have them worked out. Do not trust him. Start to detach.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Wow that was pretty brazen on his part. I can't imagine the number of changes that would have to be made to trust him again. The effort he went through to cover his tracks indicate he knew he was hurting you and violating your relationship but cared more for that part of his life than the part you were in. Better off just moving on than trying to turn this horror show into a respectful, trusting relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like you're finding a lot of the same stuff I found on D day. Read my story (link in my signature). Sorry but the chances he's innocent are about ten quintillion zillion to one.

Tell him you're scheduling a polygraph. Sometimes that's all it takes for them to come clean. The polygraph itself may or may not be useful, but just the fact he is facing one may be enough for him to smarten up. It may even get to the point where you're in the parking lot going into the building to have it done - I think that happened once on here. And if he stays adamant that 'nothing happened' then follow through with it.

Oh, and get tested for STD's.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

whataboutthis? said:


> Sanity,
> 
> Thanks. I have gone through all financial records, phone records, paypal, etc... That's how I found the ****** ******* charge. When he travels he takes per diem in cash and works off cash. His travel is typically 2 weeks to 1 month at a clip. He has a habit of opening accounts, paying them off, closing them and opening other accounts. Unfortunately I cannot get records from the closed accounts. So I don't have access to anything but our current two accounts. I found another AM change on one of them to remove his profile (14 months after the first charge and credit purchase).
> 
> ...


Looks like you have a great handle on this and you should be commended for being vigilant. As a man I can tell you that most men will not go through such an elaborate process of concealment just to have a "fantasy" and no payoff. We are stimuli driven and clearly these escort services were giving him some sort of incentive to continue and hide things. 

In the end its really up to you but the observable evidence points to infidelity. The question is was it physical and/or emotional? Can you take that risk? 

Cut off sex until he has been tested for STD's and demand full disclosure including finances and bank records. Only full disclosure will set you free and make sure to give him the chance to come clean and consider your options. You don't want to live like this never trusting your husband.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Sanity said:


> Looks like you have a great handle on this and you should be commended for being vigilant. As a man I can tell you that most men will not go through such an elaborate process of concealment just to have a "fantasy" and no payoff. We are stimuli driven and clearly these escort services were giving him some sort of incentive to continue and hide things.
> 
> In the end its really up to you but the observable evidence points to infidelity. The question is was it physical and/or emotional? Can you take that risk?
> 
> Cut off sex until he has been tested for STD's and demand full disclosure including finances and bank records. Only full disclosure will set you free and make sure to give him the chance to come clean and consider your options. You don't want to live like this never trusting your husband.


Thanks. I've moved out (six weeks now) so the no sex thing is a given here. I have given him time and time again for full disclosure. He is adamant that nothing happened. Which is why I wanted to get insight from non-biased guys about this evidence. My H is very convincing.

Thanks.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> He is now in a stage of repentance and earning my trust, although I have moved out because I don't believe one can earn trust without honesty. He claims it was only fantasy, he never acted on it or had any intention to do so and I know everything. Because I do not believe that I'm kind of stuck. Can't move toward R if I feel I'm being lied to.


The usual response to getting caught is deny deny deny. Oh, I only did X. Then you find evidence of Y. Oh, well I only did X and Y that one time. Then you find evidence of multiple times and something new - oh, I forgot about that one.

The trickle truth - he'll admit what you already claim to know. Unfortunately the only way to get the truth is evidence. Maybe you can get him to spill it by demanding a polygraph. Otherwise you have to be pretty clever with the bluffs about what you know... and never tell him everything you know. Only tell him "enough" to get him thinking you know everything.

One thing is for sure. Women's phone numbers... escort phone numbers... those aren't fantasies.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So you have pretty much all the evidence you need except a video of him doing the deed, and he is continually denying anything? 
Has he tried turning it back around on you? Saying you shouldn't invade his privacy? 


And by the way:

Porn is fantasy. That is why half the women in it are 50% plastic. 

Escorts' numbers, is trying to make that fantasy a reality.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In my mind fantasy might involve browsing websites but it definately would not include setting up accounts and paying to have the ability to contact others. 

Having escorts contact information stored is just gross as far as I'm concerned. Again, if it was just fantasy he might go to a escort wesite to see what the various escorts look like. He wouldn't go to the trouble of saving their contact information....unless he was contacting them.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So you have pretty much all the evidence you need except a video of him doing the deed, and he is continually denying anything?
> Has he tried turning it back around on you? Saying you shouldn't invade his privacy?
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks. To answer your question he has turned it back on me. Getting angry because "I don't trust him" and because "I'm hell bent of finding something". Blameshifting, gas lighting, you name it. Granted now he's getting sex addiction counseling but he's still professing it was all fantasy. I just feel that unless he tells me the truth, we're done. And from the replies I'm getting here, his behavior well exceeds fantasy.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> In my mind fantasy might involve browsing websites but it definately would not include setting up accounts and paying to have the ability to contact others.
> 
> Having escorts contact information stored is just gross as far as I'm concerned. Again, if it was just fantasy he might go to a escort wesite to see what the various escorts look like. He wouldn't go to the trouble of saving their contact information....unless he was contacting them.


Thanks. That's what I think too. But I'm a woman so I thought I might be in left field here. Turns out I'm definitely in the ball park.


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