# Wife with restraining order...



## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

Hello,

Long story short, over the past year and with the added stress with my new job, I’ve been yelling a lot. 

My wife left me towards the end of July. She ended getting a restraining order.

Since then, I’ve taken numerous anger management classes, parenting classes and been with a therapist weekly since she has left. All of these have been NOT court ordered.

I’m not making excuses, we have been arguing a lot, but NOTHING physical. I know words can hurt the same as physical altercations. Being in a Christian marriage, there was never any cursing.

With the PRO, she allowed me what her attorney called, “Excellent visititation rights” to my children during this period. I heard her attorney say to my wife that most of her other clients don’t allow visitation rights that liberal right after a permanent restraining order has been ordered.

A few days I get a call from my wife saying for me to hold on and she allowed me to talk to my kids for as long as I wanted. After I was done, she said they would call me every night.

My family is telling me that she has noticed the changes I’ve been making and there might be a glimmer of hope in our marriage.

My question, after the kid’s calls and my wife says to me that they will call tomorrow, can I inquire if the kids need anything? Can I ask if she needs cash or anything for support? What would be appropriate in the brief 3 seconds I get to actually talk to my wife each night before we hang up the phone? I want her to know that I care about her and the kids, but I don’t want to push it.

I have an order of no contact to her, but she can contact me whenever.

What can I say to her in that 5 second pause to let her know that I’m here for her? 

Is asking about money an OK thing to say? Kid’s clothes?

I swore to myself that I would not be an every other weekend father and I will do WHATEVER it takes to make it right again.

May I get your advice?

I also created a blog about this.

Kevin and My Family


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I would just be civil and sweet without asking any questions at all. If she needs cash, she is bound to bring it up in some way. If she wants you back, she will make the moves. If you are legally able to let it be known through family that you want another chance then you could do that at some point, but you have to face the fact that you may have to practise your new skills of softness on the next woman. 

With any luck her calls will get warmer over time, and you will have the blessing of her chasing you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You might want to send a letter to her lawyer, and pay any bills that that incures.

draconis


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

draconis said:


> You might want to send a letter to her lawyer, and pay any bills that that incures.
> 
> draconis


I don't know what that means.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If you want to know what the kids needs are or if she needs money go through a lawyer. If you don't you might go to jail as she has a protection from abuse order on you.

draconis


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

My apologies.

If she calls me, then Im allowed to talk to her. If she initiates the coversation.

She is not the kind of person that would call foul in these types of situations.

She would not set me up like all the other horror storys you hear.

Thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Nonetheless i really like drac's idea of going through the lawyer. it shows her that you have taken her feelings seriously. she's put a barrier between you and her for a reason and you should respect it until she decides to take it down. So if you have any questions or want to offer any gestures, go through the lawyer. It will show her you are respecting her boundaries and also trying to be a better man.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

She doesnt have a lawyer.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

She called tonight, I talked to my kids for the normal amount of time and the she got the phone. I was about to day somethig to her and she told me about a fund raiser at my daughters school and the price of a school picture.

I then asked if they need new clothes and she said yes. I said if you can get me the sizes that would be great.

We talked about 2 minutes. She actualy brought up a few other things.

I think she expected me to be bitter and pi$$ed about the PRO, but Im the exact opposite.

Im learning from my mistakes and even though its only been a few weeks. Its more communication than I thougt she would be given me.

It takes 90 days to unlearn a habbit and im on day 30 right now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well stay with it, you will be a better man for it.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

netsweepecho-
You're being absolutly super-cool dude, awesome! 
Just keep it up. Some days will be better than others, but I bet she will cut you some slack if you are consistent for the most part.

Keep us posted! I bet this story is going to run and run...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

you sound like my hubby with his anger issues, hes much better now, after being diagnosed with depression.taking his mediaction.
he really is a different man. 
i personally think , to many things were getin out of control for you and no matter who were there for you, you really couldnt see them for what you were doing.
but you have taken the turn and you must continue.
i agree with the above, keep it up.
stay calm when your talking. you have to change, but you know that.
i think you could save your marriage.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

One other thing..you know there are agencys out there that will help with anger, parenting and stuff like that, but ONLY if you have a court order.

In my cases it was not court ordered. I had to beg an agency to "let" me in for anger management and pay them $100.

I want to thank you all for your responses. Any of you read any Gary Smalley books?

It at least gives me hope. ray:


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

She called again tonight and I got to talk to the kids. Afterwards we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

I told her that I didn’t want to say anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I also told her that I wanted to follow the rules and respect her privacy.

She said, "It’s OK, if we are talking about the kids then we are OK."

I asked her how much support ($) she wanted this pay day and also told her that I’m not going to be a deadbeat dad, she said, "I know you’re not going to be like that.." She sounded really honest.

I get to see my kids on Wednesday (Unsupervised, all my weekend visits and everything are completely unsupervised. The judge ALMOST denied her PRO, but he said, "I’m going to Err on the side of caution..") My mom and her dad are going to go with me so I can take my kids to the park, and then they can talk to her.

When she was at the hearing for the PRO, the advocates there had her brainwashed and she would not say anything, not even to her parents. Here they can maybe at least talk to her.

Here is what I think....we were having a few martial issues and she might wanted to separate and rather than "talking" about it she does stuff like this (PRO). I told her I didn’t need counseling, but I knew I did. I just enrolled in a 26 weeks extensive anger class to make myself a better parent and husband. That makes 2 anger management classes, a parenting class and a therapist I have seen in 4 weeks.

Here is something that I have not told anyone. I’m not putting her down, but she ups and leaves on ALL her relationships if she doesn’t like the way it’s going. Her Ex before she meet me got her pregnant. She did not tell him, he left for work and she left (just like she did me) and WAS going to abort the baby. When I first met her, I talked about adoption and that’s what she did. Her Ex doesn’t even know he is a father. She leaves without talking over her problems.

But I still love her and her and will do anything to get our family back.

She doesn’t know that I’m doing all this stuff. All her social worker friends are telling her that here are the statistics…. If he yelled before he is going to yell again..

I want to be more than a statistic..

I’ll let you all know after Wed what happens then.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Be careful, and keep working towards being a better person.

draconis


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

I started week one of my anger management class today. 26 weeks with one session a month for another 6 months.

1 Year

I was told today that if you look at someone in an angry way that that was abuse.

If that was the case then my wife should be on death row 

That was sarcasm...

Week one of my 365 days of therapy..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

netsweepecho said:


> I started week one of my anger management class today. 26 weeks with one session a month for another 6 months.
> 
> 1 Year
> 
> ...


Keep going, keep posting.

draconis


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

I can post every night when my wife calls, but I bet that would get boring.

I talked to my children and then I talked to my wife.

We actually help a conversation like we would have had months ago.

She seemed caring and she was agreeing everything with what I was saying.

Stuff like, "Melinda, I'm going to give all the support you need for the kids", and she would say, I know your a good father...

We had about a 10 min conversation..

I kind of slid in that I was on week 1 of a 26 week program, in regards that I wanted to make sure that the money and stuff Im giving her are not gifts.

In a batterers program, me and my wife are considered in a honeymoon stage, where the batterer will give gifts and say ANYTHING to get the wife back.

I want her to SEE what Im doing with my words and with my actions.

I get to see my kids for the 1st time in 3 weeks tommorrow. Very emotional.

Her parents are going to talk to her to see if she is OK.

If you are relegious...put me in your prayers tonight..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

netsweepecho said:


> I can post every night when my wife calls, but I bet that would get boring.
> 
> I talked to my children and then I talked to my wife.
> 
> ...


I will be praying with all my soul for you tonight.

draconis


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

I went in for my 2nd Anger class today and I was told that they moved me from a Domestic Abuse class to an anger management class.

They said they thought that I had physicaly done somthing to my wife and when they read the PRO they relazied it was nothing like that. So they downgraded me based on my demeanor and my actions. So the agency where Im getting my treatment did that.

Second, I saw the kids last night. First time in weeks. My heart bleed for them. My heart bleed for my wife. But I kept my distance to give her space. My girls ran for me crying. It made my wife cry. I had a gift for my step-son in a bag, it was a ball and a glove. I asked my wife to give it to him and give him a kiss for me. Since he is not "my" child, they left him at home. That disappointed me.

We had a great time at the park last night. I get my kids overnight this weekend.

I just got another of my nightly call and I was told that my son (step-son) loved the ball and glove.

My mother told me, when my son is ready to come home, then they all will be coming home.

I kind of snuck in that I bought guitar hero on the Wii for him. He is going to flip out.

I think my wife is starting to see a change.

My intuition, but I feel better and at least I can get some sleep tonight..


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Good luck to you !


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Wishing you the best.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just take one step at a time and concentrate. you can get there.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

You are making some major changes, all for the good. Sounds like it's being noticed. Keep up the good work.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

I got my kids this weekend and I’m loving it and its going to be absolutely devastating at 7:30am on Monday to give them back and come back to an empty house.

My sister in law is getting a mail and email campaign to let my wife know that I am doing what I’m doing.

Cause of the PRO, I can’t do a lot of it.

I think she thinks I’m doing something’s, but not to the extent of what I’m actually doing. She sees me as being nicer and friendlier, but that’s about it..


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

netsweepecho said:


> I started week one of my anger management class today. 26 weeks with one session a month for another 6 months.
> 
> 1 Year
> 
> ...


You were doing good until the death row thing, dude. 
Your wife wouldn't look at you this way, if you didn't do something to set her off. Don't go in there with she, she, she attitude, and you are this perefect little Angel, buddy. You have to take some blame yourself for the way things are now.
If not, things will never get any better.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

Honey said:


> You were doing good until the death row thing, dude.
> Your wife wouldn't look at you this way, if you didn't do something to set her off. Don't go in there with she, she, she attitude, and you are this perefect little Angel, buddy. You have to take some blame yourself for the way things are now.
> If not, things will never get any better.


Thats the same thing as saying that I wouldnt have done anything if she hasnt set me off.

So if she looks at me angry cause I walk in from of the TV when she is watching, "Dancing with the stars" and I throw a remote on the floor or slam a door, then its justified?

When did I put the blam on her, other than the one line in this post? The next line said it was sarcasim.

When did I describe my self as being an angel?

You read the entire post from the begining?


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

Last night after I was putting my kids in my wifes mini-van, I was walking towards my card and I turned around and said may I ask a question?

She said yes and then I proceeded to tell her about my feelings, my changes. She started crying when I cried. She was looking at me in my eyes all the time and she even truned off the engine of the car so we could talk longer.

I explanined a lot to her that she did not know.

I belive this got my foot in the door.

I told her that its only been a few weeks and I have not changed, but I am changing. I told her I work hard everynight to make those changes.

I am hoping this is the beggining of the proccess for healing.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I really like the way you presented that to her...you got your point across without putting pressure on her and without overstating your progress. I happy you were able to plant that seed


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

I got a call from my wife on Friday and by the grace of God, she wanted to reconcile.

She said she was thinking about if for a week or so.

We drove to the court house and got the restraining order canceled and we are now attending therapy.

She has noticed what I was doing and what I was doing was correct.

We are now living together and we are going to do everything to make it work.

Couples therapy and spending quality time together is the key.

I will report on how it’s going, but as of now it’s good.

God is good!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well that's great news!

In future, when you have a problem with her, just remember to articulate it in simple english without shouting your head off!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That's great to hear...keep it up with the anger management & I look forward to hearing an update as things progress.


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## netsweepecho (Aug 31, 2008)

Its me again.

Its been 3 weeks and I think our marriage is stronger than ever.

Thanks everyone.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That's great to hear...and now you know how to keep it there...just never lose sight of that


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

netsweepecho said:


> Its me again.
> 
> Its been 3 weeks and I think our marriage is stronger than ever.
> 
> Thanks everyone.


Good to hear, and I didn't mean to upset you with my other post, dude.


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