# Divorce and daughter



## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Me and my wife started dating 7 years Ago. 4 years Ago we had a daughter. She was born with autism (until recently It was called asperger's syndrom).
Since our daughter was borned our sex life declined and we were having It once a month or two. This went on for the past 4 years. I never cheated and always looked for ways to make her feel better but It never improved. I think that is part of the problem because i completely forgot to invest in me. I have been a bad provider, always struggling. All i can think about is that if i treated myself better we could still be together. I love her Very much and i wanted my daughter to have mommy and daddy at home. Today of all days she looked at me and asked If i was happy. I had to hold myself together but ended up crying. At least she didn't notice.
I feel like an excuse of a person, a waste of life because i never managed to achieve anything. I keep thinking that if i did better she wouldn't have left me but at the same time i am hurt and angry becaused i loved ver, took care of her, i was there through and through and all o needed was her to love me, to encourage me and not give up on us. I should want things for myself and not need others for encouragement but that is something i Will have to work within me. I Just wanted to go back home, have my daughter wake me up with a "good morning, daddy." It hurts so much.


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## Kattieb (Dec 21, 2020)

It’s not you by any means..My son is going through the same **** with his wife.,They have a 8 year old and from day one of giving birth, she turned her back on our daughter and because of that, I had to step up and be mom and dad.,Now she complains we don’t have sex anymore, I never tell her she is pretty , my only concern is our daughter, blah, blah, blah...I took it for over 8 years of her putting me down everyday for being a gray dad and husband..Dont let this women do that to you...You sound like a nice guy and better days will come


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kattieb said:


> It’s not you by any means..My son is going through the same **** with his wife.,They have a 8 year old and from day one of giving birth, she turned her back on our daughter and because of that, I had to step up and be mom and dad.,Now she complains we don’t have sex anymore, I never tell her she is pretty , my only concern is our daughter, blah, blah, blah...I took it for over 8 years of her putting me down everyday for being a gray dad and husband..Dont let this women do that to you...You sound like a nice guy and better days will come


Your post makes no sense - your son is going through this with his wife, but then you say that your wife turned her back on your daughter? what?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Yesterday we sat down with our daughter to tell her i was not going to sleep at home anymore. Obviously she did not want me to go: "no daddy. You have to stay here with me, you can't go away". It killed me. She is so innocent. I Felt like i was abandoning her. I tried not to cry in front of her and also not the give my wife the pleasure of seeing me like that but couldn't help it so i just turned my face the other way it was the best i could do. Before we had that talk i have to sit on the couch waiting for her to be done with her bath and have dinner and while i was waiting i was feeling so heavy and nauseated i just wanted to leave 'cos looking at those walls kept bringing back memories that were hurting me deeply. To make things worse my wife was sending an audio making plans of going out with her friends. She knows this whole situation is killing me and i thought that was really low. After my daughter comply It was time to leave and when we were at the front yard my daughter showed up at the door looking at me going. My chest was so heavy and at that point i was a mess. As if giving me the killing blow my wife asked If she could hug me (as to console me) and i said no. I am not going to lie i was eager for that hug but not like that. I wanted her to love me and tell me not to go but she couldn't do that. She doesn't love me anymore. My mind keeps torturing making me picture her with someone else making love in all the rooms of the house, happy, just like what i wanted us to be. A loving and passionate couple with the sweetest daughter. Life would have been perfect, i'd want for nothing.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Tonight i left my daughter at home again. This time i did not enter the house. She cried, told me not to go but eventually complied. It was not as bad as today but It was awful all the same. I managed to hold my tears until i was inside the car. Before getting in my car my wife invited me to eat something. I do not think she wants to reconcile i just think she is feeling lonely. She is an orphan and has no one to turn to. I wanted to say yes but it would not be good for me so i refused. When i got home i started to feel a little better until i got a video call from my daughter. She didn't want to go to sleep without me. I talked to her a little and she calmed down. It was horrible because she looked so Sad. I Just Hope she does not absord too much of this horrible moment. I feel so Sorry for her.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

4 years Ago we had a fall out. She broke up with me and later i found out she had an affair. She couldn't let me go and i didn't want to end our relationship so i fought for us. Then i discovered the affair and it was painful. On top of that she was pregnant and i had to find out my daughter was really my daughter through a DNA test. I always wanted a family and be a father to a little girl so i forgave her even though from time to time this whole past comes to mind.
Over these 4 years i tried to make her happy the way i could and completely neglected myself. She is broken in many ways as i am and i tried everything to Take care of her and our daughter, but didn't do the same for me. I expected her to do that, to encourage me, to love me, support me but she couldn't do that for herself. I talked to her today and Said i was Sorry for not being the Man our family needed, that i was going to work on that and learn How to forgive myself. She was Very cold, distant and the way she talk was a definitive no on us coming back. I wanted this experience to be a shock for us, to turn the tables and love each other again like never before but It was clear to me as she was talking that It is really over. She Said we should start talking to our daughter to sleep over at my place. I immediately noticed that she had plans, i don't If with friends or maybe someone else. It was tough listening to her talking like that. I am still not ready to move on yet which hurts, a lot. As i type my daughter naps besise me. I was looking at her and crying. She already have manu Challenges ahead because of her autism and i keep saying sorry for harming her this way. I know i faiked. All i have left is gather strength from somewhere and Take Care of me so It does not haappen again but part of me Will always feel guilty, pain for being the father she needed and part of me Will always love my wife. Why did It have to be this way?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

My 4 years old daughter, with autism, asked me today If i was still her daddy. When you think It can't get any worse. Never Felt so bad in my entire life


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why are you leaving your house?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why are you leaving your house?


It is actually her house. Her mom died when she was 10 and left it for her.
Anyway. I talked to her today, she looked me in the eyes and Said she didn't love me anymore. Love was wearing out after a bad 4 years. I thought this could be a shock to make It work, everything New but since there is no love anymore It's pointless.
I am devastated, really in pieces, Lost count of How many times i cried and screamed my lungs out. I Lost my family. It is over. Completely Lost at this point. I Just want this pain to end. I keep thinking about my daughter to Prevent me from killing myself because i am Just so tired. This world is a horrible place. I Just want to leave, i want to die, really want to but i can't do this to my baby. Maybe that's why God put her in my life in the first place because i often picture myself at my favorite Beach. In my thoughts i Take me shoes and shirt off and dive in swimming endlessly to exhaustion. It would be such a peaceful way to Go Just feeling the ocean Take over while i lose my senses but even that i cannot do. I have to stay and suffer. While i'm driving i constantly think of getting Robbed and shot to death, this way it wouldn't be my fault. Please Lord, watch over my daughter and Take me.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Hang in there. This is the shi*(y part. Divorce and separation are about the toughest thing you can go through. For your daughter and yourself, try and push through. Please consider going to counseling - some of the thoughts you are having about suicide are very worrying indeed. However bad you think your daughter is going through now, having no father would be infinitely worse than all of that. She may end up blaming herself, or thinking she is responsible. Please, please for your sake and your daugther's start therapy asap. You can do this. There is no shame in asking for help. You are going through one of the toughest things a person can go through. Don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I have found this site a godsend but it is no replacement for therapy - rather an addition to it!


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Hang in there. This is the shi*(y part. Divorce and separation are about the toughest thing you can go through. For your daughter and yourself, try and push through. Please consider going to counseling - some of the thoughts you are having about suicide are very worrying indeed. However bad you think your daughter is going through now, having no father would be infinitely worse than all of that. She may end up blaming herself, or thinking she is responsible. Please, please for your sake and your daugther's start therapy asap. You can do this. There is no shame in asking for help. You are going through one of the toughest things a person can go through. Don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I have found this site a godsend but it is no replacement for therapy - rather an addition to it!


I can't afford therapy right now.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I left my daughter at her mother's and when i Said bye she was so Sad and asked me: "why do you have to Go?" It hurts so much. To top it all my wife has been treating me like a stranger. She Just opened without saying nothing and when i left she Just Said "bye". Not seeing her again would help great deal but because we have a daughter we have to keep seeing each other which is a complete torture for me. It is so hard to love someone and have them feel nothing for you anymore. And my wife is beautiful, i bet pretty soon she'll be with some of those gym rats where she works as a personal trainer and i'll feel even worse. I am so hurt and afraid i will do something to myself. I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

To @Dad84 - this is not a substitute for therapy, which you are truly in need of. This is also not a substitute for friends. The best you can get out of TAM, for your situation, is knowing that others have come through similar paths to this place, and survived. That there is hope. But you need professional help, now. You have spoken of your own death being something kept at bay by having your wonderful daughter to look after, but there may be moments of darkness when that is not enough.

I would being by calling a suicide prevention hotline; they can put you in touch with therapy you can afford. I think your flag is Brazilian? Here's a link to a Brazilian suicide hotline- Suicide Hotline - Brazil - International Bipolar Foundation (ibpf.org) 

Please friend, I feel your helplessness. I get it. I've been there. But you've already spoken of the things you can do to be a better you. You might just need some accountability to get there, someone to give you a nudge now and then, check in on you. Find that someone, whether it's a friend or an organization for people feeling like you do.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Their phone number does not seem right. Try calling different ways but didn't work. I'll see if i can find anything online


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dad84 said:


> I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.


I understand, and can fully empathize with your death wish. The pain, the noises, the crushing weight, I have experienced, and do now experience. However, it is not "the love" that won't let go..... it's you....who won't let go....



Dad84 said:


> I feel like an excuse of a person, a waste of life because i never managed to achieve anything.


I get it. I fully understand. But when I take a look around, guess what ? There are far, far more of "us" than there are of "them". If you would dump that self-centered a$$hole wife you married, concentrate on yourself FIRST and your children a CLOSE SECOND.... I think you are probably half my age..... you have CHOICES..... so do I, for that matter....make a choice today, that you are going to do what it takes to achieve something.....



Dad84 said:


> Maybe that's why God put her in my life in the first place


More that 45 years ago, I learned to fly an airplane. In the first few times I flew with my instructor, he would direct me to various turns, 90°. 180°, steep, shallow, etc..... and I would have not one bloomin' idea where the airport was..... one day I asked him ...."...do you work by a script so you know how to get back to the airport...."....

He chuckled and said ".....no, it's just random, except I look for traffic before I ask for a turn.... this is my backyard out here....I know most of the landmarks, and where they are in relation to the airport..... when I see your time expiring, I find one, and instruct you to head us back.... that's all...."

I learned something very rich and meaningful about God that day......

don't concentrate on where "God put ..." your wife..... concentrate on the fact that this is His backyard out here....depend on Him to set your heading....
....and hold those wings straight and level on His course.....


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

TJW said:


> I understand, and can fully empathize with your death wish. The pain, the noises, the crushing weight, I have experienced, and do now experience. However, it is not "the love" that won't let go..... it's you....who won't let go....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you TJ.

I got a job today almost like a Divine intervention which made me feel better for a while but euphoria never lasts. It was funny because i was looking for a position in real estate so i parked my car to find the nearest agencies close to home and when i was reaching for my phone in my pocket i looked out the window and there was an agency on the other side of the street with a sign "we're hiring". The place seemed closed because of covid so i sent a message to the number. As It turns out the owner was inside, saw me parked outside and invited me in. We had an amazing conversation as if we'd met before and i was hired. It was the first place i visited.
I still feel like s*** but at least today i am a little better. I could be even better but since we have a daughter me and my wife we have to comunicate and she acts like a "friend" with me, you know? Like she doesn't regret at all ending our marriage, it's feeling great and wants the best for me. I hate that. Just hate It.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Congrats on the job. Hope everything works out for you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I know i have to work on my self steem, learn to let go, do not waste my time with people that don't love me but it's a process. 
When we moved in to our house there were an iron fence in the back to prevent home invasion. Since it was not needed i removed it. It was quite heavy and i alone had trouble carrying It. I left it on the side of the house. Today i went to get my daughter and i Saw the fence moved to the back which means another Man moved It. She could not do It Alone or even with a friend. In other times i would have freaked and even though i am hurt that she moved on so quickly it kind of helped me 'cos now any chance of return is dead and i have no choice but to keep going. 
It is worth to mention that she still seeks me when It suits her. Everyday i leave her at work because i go for my daughter but end up giving her a ride. I could Tell her to f*** off but we have a daughter, it's important to at least be civil and i would feel like a hurt a-hole telling her to walk.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I want to thank ALL you guys for the support. It is always good to see things from a different perspective. Thank you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dad84 said:


> It is worth to mention that she still seeks me when It suits her.


The operative word being "still".....

Your wife has, from the beginning, sought you for what suits her..... but, alas, not for her precious husband and life-partner. This all remains unchanged, in her perspective, she is "entitled" to have your support, while providing you with nothing in return.



Dad84 said:


> I could Tell her to f*** off but we have a daughter, it's important to at least be civil


Yes, for the sake of your daughter, yes. You will never regret going "the extra mile".




Dad84 said:


> i have to work on my self steem, learn to let go, do not waste my time with people that don't love me but it's a process.


I got a clue for you. When you "let go", and "don't waste your time".... you will not need to "work on" your self-esteem. It will grow all by itself.
USE your time for beneficial activities. For your daughter. For others in need. For self-actualization...... What God gave you is His gift to you.....
how you use that for personal growth, and the aforementioned things, are your gift to Him.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Found out today that she was cheating on me. I was punishing myself, blaming myself and all along It had nothing to do with me. I feel angry, depressed. 4 years of a sexless life and nos she is probably doing It everyday. I am so Sorry for my daughter but being civil Just went out the window. I beber want to see this woman again.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

That's how that fence got moved. She was already conducting interviews for your replacement.
Happy New Year to you and your daughter.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

She said she didn't love me anymore but there was no problem in me driving her to work and taking her home. I did those things because i was still hopeful we could work out and in my mind since i was picking up my daughter i could Take her as well then a friend knew what i was going through and reached out to me, he saved me. I decided It was time for me to stop putting myself down waiting for something that wouldn't happen. I stopped taking her to work, only picking up my daughter and that was enough to make her furious. She Said we needed to help each other but what she meant was that I needed to keep doing things for her. Since then she is furious with me and also jealous because she knows i haven't been home much and she doesn't know what i am doing. She also used our daughter trying to reach out but since that doesn't work she stopped talking to me. We spent New year's eve apart and i had to call her because i wanted to see my daughter and if i didn't, she wouldn't. I am beginning to realize how good i was for her and How little i got in return. She is an orphan with a lot of traumas and does not know how to love properly but refused treatment. Sometimes i feel i should have insisted more but i was also depressed and lethargic. i Will also stop being so hard on myself and forgive me for the years of my life i have wasted. Anyway, when the gym opens i am back in the first hour. I am going to Take Care of me more than never and i am sure that next year i Will look back and thank me. That is going to take a lot of therapy but i am going to make It. Wish you all a wonderful new year. Thank you for dedicating a little bit of your time to me.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Started treatment today. Anti psychotics, anti depressives and alprazolan. Did not know i was this bad. I Will keep going until i am better.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Why wait for the gym to open? Work out at home.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Congratulations on the job! That's awesome. Good for you for starting therapy and medication - we're always here to listen but getting professional help is really important as we aren't a replacement for licensed therapists.

I'm so sorry to hear she was cheating on you. You sound like you're doing a 180 already - no need to do things for her. Communicate with her only to deal with your daughter and divorce proceedings or bills. Anything else, you don't need to respond or help her. Just focus on your health, and taking care of your daughter.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dad84 said:


> I left my daughter at her mother's and when i Said bye she was so Sad and asked me: "why do you have to Go?" It hurts so much. To top it all my wife has been treating me like a stranger. She Just opened without saying nothing and when i left she Just Said "bye". Not seeing her again would help great deal but because we have a daughter we have to keep seeing each other which is a complete torture for me. It is so hard to love someone and have them feel nothing for you anymore. And my wife is beautiful, i bet pretty soon she'll be with some of those gym rats where she works as a personal trainer and i'll feel even worse. I am so hurt and afraid i will do something to myself. I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.


I hope those suicidal thoughts have passed now -- PLEASE DO NOT do that. Think of your daughter having to grow up without you to guide her and only be brought up by your cheating wife.

I hate to say this but she has most likely already BEEN cheating on you again. You both never resolved the first infidelity.
YOU did not lose your family -- SHE is the one driving you away. 
So, get your plans together for YOURSELF and your daughter. Don't worry about her, don't talk with her unless it is strictly about the divorce or your child, do NOT discuss your feelings with her.
Work on you -- eat, sleep, exercise, improve YOU, improve your relationship with your daughter.

Ignore her when she wants to hang with you or needs your help. Just tell her that her new BF can take care of that for you and walk away.

EDT:
Sorry just caught up and found out that she HAD cheated on you again. Move on, get your lawyer on the case, and the above mentioned items are still valid. You will be MUCH better off without her and her manipulations.


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## baudoman (Jan 7, 2021)

Hey Dad84..
Heartbreaking story. I don't think any one of us can fully understand the pain you are going through. Words do not do justice to that kind of hurt and sorrow.

There is something that has helped me through tough feelings. It's called Inner Child therapy. I'm not sure if they allow external links on here, but if you search on amazon for: Recovery of Your Inner Child
..
You'll find it. Written by Lucia C.

Trust me when I say that there are many things they should be teaching in schools that they're not, and that's a big one in my opinion.

Take care of yourself and those that love you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Thank you for your words. I am doing better at my job these days which is great. Do not feel suicidal anymore It was the Peak of the pain but has passed. I did opened up with her and explained my feelings but i do not regret It. Through our relationship we should have done that and things just piled up. I am not sure about the cheating anymore that could have been my anxiety talking but even If she did hooked up with someone after she left me that would not be less cruel. She seems confused If she made the right decision or not and i think pretty soon she Will regret It but either way i decided we're not going back together. I confess i am not 100% sure of that and our Instagram status still say we're married but to try again she would have to acknowledge and apologize for so many things that i don't think she has It in her but she is clearly jealous of what i am doing and who i am hanging out with since she doesn't know much of my life anymore. I am not ready to move on but i am moving If that makes sense. I don't think of dates yet so i Will just let things work out naturally. Eventually that status won't make sense anymore and i Will remove It. Thanks again everyone


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself. Until you cut the needless contact you’ll wallow in this.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf. 
Perfect for you.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Things took a turn for the worst as i found out How manipulative my ex was. I still had faith our family could reunite but that is over. I tried to delete her pictures from my phone but the pain was too much for me. Also, my daughter is suffering so much i feel like a knife is cutting me. I hate to see her like that and it also makes me Wonder How her mother didn't even thought of her when we broke up. I am not as anxious anymore but still Very depressed. Don't want to leave the house, can't work (probably be laid out), It seems i annoy everyone because i Just can't stop talking about her. It's been a month but i don't know If its normal to still love her like this after what she did. I Just want to move on.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

There is a certain element of "fake it til you make it." You don't suddenly feel fine, get up in the morning and want to go to work and take care of yourself after something this devastating. You get up, make a conscious choice to do something for yourself in the hope that at some point in the future, maybe not today, but eventually, you will start to feel better. You get up and take your meds, take a shower and go for a walk. You get up and go to work because you will need to live somewhere and eat. And then you come home and try and take care of your sweet girl the best you can. You spend time with her, focus on her, and try and go outside once in a while. Eventually it gets better. The good news is you have therapy and meds. Do you have a support system you can turn to (friends/family/house of worship?)?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

When I first joined this forum I was in incredible pain like you. And I got a lot of kind words and some tough love. The general gist was - focus on your child and yourself. Try and block out your XW until you can stand to think of her without it being painful. Pretty soon you'll go a whole day without thinking of her. Then a week. Then you might not even think about her until the next time you guys do a custody exchange. It does get better. Hang in there. Look up the 180. That helped me a lot. If you don't roll around in the pain, it DOES start to ease.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself. Until you cut the needless contact you’ll wallow in this.
> 
> You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf.
> Perfect for you.


Thank you. I am Reading non-stop. I am learning a lot about myself. I thought i was a normal person and being Nice was part of me and now i see how i should have treated myself better. Part of me feels Sad because If i had learned this sooner i could have saved my marriage but there is also a lesson of letting Go and "what can i learn from this?" 
It helped a great deal. The pain Will still be here for some time but maybe in the Future i Will learn that i never loved my wife in the first place but the need to take care of her (she has a lot of traumas). I Will do my best now to look at me and my own needs.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

My ex keeps trying to find reasons to bother me and hurt me. My family was her support when we were together because she is alone in this world and when she broke up with me she thought It would still be so. For example, yesterday she wanted my mother to go shopping for some groceries and i Said no because my family is not at her service when convenient and as a response, today, when my father went to leave my daughter at her place (he is helping because i can't stand being near her) she threw a couple of bags with some of my clothes that were still there because she knew It would hurt me. That is just an example. She doesn't want to be together but don't want to lose everything i gave her so she acts like this. I guess things are not as wonderful or secure with the other guy because If they were she wouldn't be wasting time pestering me.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Stay strong buddy. If throwing out a few clothes is all she has got then just don't give it the time of day. They are just clothes, this doesn't really hurt you and she is being pathetic. Stop sweating the small stuff.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Dad84 said:


> My ex keeps trying to find reasons to bother me and hurt me. My family was her support when we were together because she is alone in this world and when she broke up with me she thought It would still be so. For example, yesterday she wanted my mother to go shopping for some groceries and i Said no because my family is not at her service when convenient and as a response, today, when my father went to leave my daughter at her place (he is helping because i can't stand being near her) *she threw a couple of bags with some of my clothes that were still there because she knew It would hurt me.* That is just an example. She doesn't want to be together but don't want to lose everything i gave her so she acts like this. I guess things are not as wonderful or secure with the other guy because If they were she wouldn't be wasting time pestering me.


Can I ask - she threw OUT the clothes, or she gave your dad some bags with your clothes in to give to YOU?

If it was the first of those, then that's just sad. Let her be that person who she is. Don't let that change your inner compass. I'm with Eleanor Roosevelt on this onw - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Nobody can bother you unless you let them. Don't let her. Forget it. It's just clothes. If 2 bags of clothes is what your freedom costs, isn't that worth it?

If I misunderstood and she gave the bags of your clothes to your dad to pass on, then that is of course an emotional blow when your things are cleared out, but eventually none of your stuff will be with her and you can start to heal and make your own nest.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Can I ask - she threw OUT the clothes, or she gave your dad some bags with your clothes in to give to YOU?
> 
> If it was the first of those, then that's just sad. Let her be that person who she is. Don't let that change your inner compass. I'm with Eleanor Roosevelt on this onw - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Nobody can bother you unless you let them. Don't let her. Forget it. It's just clothes. If 2 bags of clothes is what your freedom costs, isn't that worth it?
> 
> If I misunderstood and she gave the bags of your clothes to your dad to pass on, then that is of course an emotional blow when your things are cleared out, but eventually none of your stuff will be with her and you can start to heal and make your own nest.


It was the Second but what's really bothering me it's my mom doing things for her. She does It because she loves her grandaughter i told her not to but she keeps doing It. My ex has to learn that there are consequences for her actions and one of them is losing my family's support. She can Take care Very well of our daughter but is hanging out with her friend and escaping responsabilities. Also, when my mom goes over my decisions she undermines me. The other day i got so furious i grabbed a chair and broke It to pieces until there was nothing to break.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Gotcha. Maybe talk to your parents about transitioning from helping her to just being their for their grandkids? She doesn't get the benefits of her association with you anymore because you guys are splitting up. I liked my inlaws before I got divorced but I never told them about their son's cheating and he probably had his own spin on what happened that he told them, so they leave me alone now, other than to pick up their grandson occasionally. It's not a big deal. She'll get over it.

Do you find yourself getting angry a lot when your parents don't comply with your wishes? What I have realized over time is that the only person you can control is you. Be the parent you want to be for your kids. Don't let her or your parents situation unravel you. They are gonna do what they're gonna do. You stated your preferences. They aren't complying. You can make it a requirement to see their grandkids that they comply, but in the end, if you divorce, it won't be your issue what happens when your kids are at your ex's and isn't it better that your kids are with your parents and some kind of person you trust rather than just with your ex? It's tricky. With my divorce, my parents remained civil with my ex for the sake of their grandkids. A lot of animosity will effect your kids in the end. So you want to try minimize that. When you find yourself losing control of your temper, remember that you are the model for your kids of what to do when angry. Is this how you would want them to act when they're angry? If not, you have to show them a better way.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Hi OP,

Does what your parents do for your ex benefit you kids? If it does I would try and not sweat it. If it doesn't or it involves money or putting your kids at risk then you would need to ha e words.

Regardless of your situation she will always be the mother of their grandchildren. I suspect things will get more distanced as your separation and divorce becomes more finalised.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

For the Record i didn't let my daughter see my rage outburst. What bothered me the most was because after i read "no more Mr. Nice Guy" It changed my life.
My ex asked me to buy a few things for my daughter and i Said that she could do It and then send me the Bill. She started to play the victim and that she didn't have the time (there's literally a Supermarket across the street from her job) and If i couldn't do It i could ask my mom. I Said no again because the fact is that our situation is between us and does not involve my parents. My mother went around me, bought everything and then left it at her place like some delivery service. What happens is saying that "no" to her was a pivot moment in my life because in all of my relationships that was the first time i put my foot down. I was feeling great until i heard what my mom did. That's what caused my outburst. When she did that she was showing that i had no authority, that my mom had Control over my life, that i was not a Man. At that moment i Felt like my dignity was taken away. After my wife broke our family she's been having Fun with a friend and the guy she was cheating on me. That "no", as meaningless as It can be to a lot of you, was all i had. It was a turning point in my behavior and as much as i ask she keeps letting my wife Take advantage of her to avoid responsabilities. I tried talking to her a lot of times but It is useless. I want to move away as soon as possible but can't afford it right now.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Talked to my ex last Sunday and cleared the Air. She Said she left because i had no ambition or perspective in life. I always worked with my dad and got too laid back. To some degree she was right. I lived like that for years but after we moved to our own place i changed, got a job and was providing for my family with something i got for myself but when i left the job (Very toxic place) she Said she Saw a pattern repeating and gave up on us. I explained It was not the case and she knew i was suffering at that job (Lost 22 pounds in 1 month) and that i had gotten a job in a New place so i was not repeating any pattern. She Said she doesn't know If its possible to glue together what was broken. I sent a message to her saying i was going to block her and let my mom intermediate things for a while since my priority is with me and my daughter right now. There is still a chance there is another Guy but i didn't ask. It seems It is really over. I am trying to get my mind together but it's hard. Depression and anxiety are off the roof and i can't move.
I understand now that i was emotionally dependent of her in a Very high degree. I placed all her needs above Mine and didn't fought for anything. I feel so Sorry for my daughter and also Very guilty. I miss my family together, our home. I just wanted a Second chance to make things right now that i can see things clearly for the first time in my life. Maybe this whole situation is for the best. I just want this pain to Go away.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.


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## baudoman (Jan 7, 2021)

Dad84 said:


> A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.


I've been following your posts Dad84.. and wow.. that was a huge event that happened there when she came over.

I can put myself in your shoes and I would have done the same as you. I would have felt the same as you too, like our love is coming back and I feel so happy. Then to have her go cold again? Wow.. that hurts bad. That hurts so much it's not funny.

That's all I can say, to tell you that you did what I would have done, and you were betrayed again. What advice can someone give you, right? That's such a tough situation. How could she be so cold, after such passion?

The "don't be so sensitive" crowd would probably say "toughen up, leave her and focus on your child!".
But in reality, and for those who still feel their heart, they would say "But I still love her. And that night I felt that she still loved me."

Anyhow, Dad84.. trust yourself and be the best person you can be. I would love to say that your ex will come around and your family would be reunited.. because that's what I would want too.

BTW That "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book had some parts that made sense, but when I read it, I took it too seriously and in the end it was bad for me and my relationship. It seemed more focused on finding/creating negative things in my relationship, rather than things that would be positive for it. But that was just me. I later on got into the "Inner Child" book and that healed me a lot more, personally.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> Talked to my ex last Sunday and cleared the Air. She Said she left because i had no ambition or perspective in life. I always worked with my dad and got too laid back. To some degree she was right. I lived like that for years but after we moved to our own place i changed, got a job and was providing for my family with something i got for myself but when i left the job (Very toxic place) she Said she Saw a pattern repeating and gave up on us. I explained It was not the case and she knew i was suffering at that job (Lost 22 pounds in 1 month) and that i had gotten a job in a New place so i was not repeating any pattern. She Said she doesn't know If its possible to glue together what was broken. I sent a message to her saying i was going to block her and let my mom intermediate things for a while since my priority is with me and my daughter right now. There is still a chance there is another Guy but i didn't ask. It seems It is really over. I am trying to get my mind together but it's hard. Depression and anxiety are off the roof and i can't move.
> I understand now that i was emotionally dependent of her in a Very high degree. I placed all her needs above Mine and didn't fought for anything. I feel so Sorry for my daughter and also Very guilty. I miss my family together, our home. I just wanted a Second chance to make things right now that i can see things clearly for the first time in my life. Maybe this whole situation is for the best. I just want this pain to Go away.


*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

You’re getting the cheater script. They all play this. Unless you wake up to reality and apply no contact you’ll keep yourself in this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.


She was just making sure she still had you under her control. Once she found out you will do whatever she wants she reverted back to who she really is. Now she’s back with her mailman.

Until you wake up and take her off the pedestal you’ve put her on ( she doesn’t deserve it) you’ll get more of what you’ve gotten.

No contact = no more pain. You can control yourself and until you do you’ll effectively keep yourself in limbo.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

baudoman said:


> I've been following your posts Dad84.. and wow.. that was a huge event that happened there when she came over.
> 
> I can put myself in your shoes and I would have done the same as you. I would have felt the same as you too, like our love is coming back and I feel so happy. Then to have her go cold again? Wow.. that hurts bad. That hurts so much it's not funny.
> 
> ...


Dad84 doesn’t have a relationship. At this time he is just a puppet on her string. All this does is keep him locked in limbo living on hopium waiting for her to pass out the next breadcrumb.

no contact is your best friend. You have value. Realize that and start using it.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I understand you all mean well and i cant say How i know It 'cos i don't want to admit anything but i know for sure now that there wasn't another Guy. Obviously this brings me some peace but It does not help overall. She is still highly depressed and i don't see us moving forward. I am focusing on me now and my goals for this year. I won't stop my life again for anybody. Right now i'm not confident at all that this is going to work but as long as i am happy with myself i am ok. I am going to put some distancie between us we're spending too much time together as It is and i won't be able to meet someone new like this even though my Focus is on my job now it is Nice to feel desired. I was at the Beach today and this cute girl was flirting with me which made me feel good. Ah! And about work! I am working with real estate and i got a Meeting with a client that is selling his Company for 2M! If i can bring this Guy in and se sell It is going to be at least 48k in my pocket. Wish me luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dad84 said:


> Thank you. I am Reading non-stop. I am learning a lot about myself. I thought i was a normal person and being Nice was part of me and now i see how i should have treated myself better. Part of me feels Sad because If i had learned this sooner i could have saved my marriage but there is also a lesson of letting Go and "what can i learn from this?"
> It helped a great deal. The pain Will still be here for some time but maybe in the Future i Will learn that i never loved my wife in the first place but the need to take care of her (she has a lot of traumas). I Will do my best now to look at me and my own needs.


Being nice does not mean you should be a doormat. Doormats get walked on. You fix that your whole life will improve and you’ll realize you didn’t lose much in divorcing your x.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I understand what you all mean even when being ruthless and i thank you for that. I thought my wife and i were trying again but she Just didn't want to be alone. We sleep on the same bed but there is no intimacy at all. I know she is depressed but that is no excuse since she was the one who sought me out and said all those things. I am tired and angry. It feels pretty obvious she doesn't love me anymore. I am done trying. Just because there wasn't another Guy that doesn't mean i have to stay. I deserve better. I feel really Sad and bad for my daughter i still feel i failed her but i have to move on. As i speak she lies sleeping in bed after another failed attempt of anything that would resemble a relationship. If i could i would leave right now but i am forced to stay until morning. After that i am leaving for good. Thank you all again. I Will try to drop by to Tell How i am doing, who knows? Maybe my experience Will help someone.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

After i left the house i had no intentions of coming back but after two hours talking to my therapist she said it would be best for me not to make any decisions. She said that while talking to me i could not give any certainty of what i was doing and ask me: " In one week, two weeks after she is completely alone and seek you out. Will you be strong enough to say no?" I have to be honest with you. I don´t know the answer and part of me don´t want to leave either. There is also my daughter so i have to strong to say no because this situation of me being out and back, out and back will only hurt her. Now we´re focusing on my career and myself, building me up after years of negligence so i can be confident again and leave her for good. It´s very hard to love and be with someone that does not love you anymore and just wants you for company. I know what i want and the right thing to do. I know i deserve better but feelings are tricky, specially after all these years. I hope i can set myself free soon for me and for my daughter. I don´t want to be weak anymore.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Dad84 said:


> After i left the house i had no intentions of coming back but after two hours talking to my therapist she said it would be best for me not to make any decisions. She said that while talking to me i could not give any certainty of what i was doing and ask me: " In one week, two weeks after she is completely alone and seek you out. Will you be strong enough to say no?" I have to be honest with you. I don´t know the answer and part of me don´t want to leave either. There is also my daughter so i have to strong to say no because this situation of me being out and back, out and back will only hurt her. Now we´re focusing on my career and myself, building me up after years of negligence so i can be confident again and leave her for good. It´s very hard to love and be with someone that does not love you anymore and just wants you for company. I know what i want and the right thing to do. I know i deserve better but feelings are tricky, specially after all these years. I hope i can set myself free soon for me and for my daughter. I don´t want to be weak anymore.


Don't beat yourself up. You're not heartless and in any case, can't take back what happened. But I guess the question is what made your wife decide to sleep with you, say she loves you and wants to try, then change her mind again? And can you take this happening multiple times, not only to yourself but to your. daughter who sees you separated, but not, then separated, then not. Would recommend you go no contact again and don't let her dictate terms of drop off and pick up. Agree ahead of time on a schedule, pick up and drop off details and stick to it. Agree and stick to no contact except for custody arrangements and stuff related to your daughter's care. She's using your daughter to get to you. Are you going to let her continue with that?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Don't beat yourself up. You're not heartless and in any case, can't take back what happened. But I guess the question is what made your wife decide to sleep with you, say she loves you and wants to try, then change her mind again? And can you take this happening multiple times, not only to yourself but to your. daughter who sees you separated, but not, then separated, then not. Would recommend you go no contact again and don't let her dictate terms of drop off and pick up. Agree ahead of time on a schedule, pick up and drop off details and stick to it. Agree and stick to no contact except for custody arrangements and stuff related to your daughter's care. She's using your daughter to get to you. Are you going to let her continue with that?


I am not ashamed to admit that i'm too weak right now. I don't see any scenario where this is going to work and i am suffering because of It. I want to leave but i can't. Right now i am looking at them sleeping together. My daughter woke up at night and she went to sleep with her. Needless to say that before that we had another sexless night. I know what i have to do but at this point i can't do It. It's like my thepist Said: "Will you be able to say no when she looks for you?" Until i am sure of the answer i am trapped. I had decided to end everything before but that was when she broke up with me. After she Said all those things, i am Lost. I pray to God to give me strength because when i decide to leave there is no coming back maybe that's part of the reason i haven't left yet and i always end with "thy Will be done". Why can't people Just be honest with their feelings?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Dad84 said:


> I am not ashamed to admit that i'm too weak right now. I don't see any scenario where this is going to work and i am suffering because of It. I want to leave but i can't. Right now i am looking at them sleeping together. My daughter woke up at night and she went to sleep with her. Needless to say that before that we had another sexless night. I know what i have to do but at this point i can't do It. It's like my thepist Said: "Will you be able to say no when she looks for you?" Until i am sure of the answer i am trapped. I had decided to end everything before but that was when she broke up with me. After she Said all those things, i am Lost. I pray to God to give me strength because when i decide to leave there is no coming back maybe that's part of the reason i haven't left yet and i always end with "thy Will be done". Why can't people Just be honest with their feelings?


Look no judgment. I stayed in a relationship when I was younger way longer than I should have because I cared about him, even when he was cruel to me. In the end, once I know it's over and there's an expiration date, it's better to make a clean break. There's the hard choice, and the easy choice. The world's full of people who make the easy choice. So no judgment. But you have to love yourself and your daughter enough to make the hard choice. You know what you have to do, as you said. Any waffling at this point only hurts you, your daughter, and your wife. Don't put the lot of you in limbo. Care enough about yourself to make the hard choice. Starting over is hard. I'm not going to lie. But I was miserable in my marriage most of the time, and starting over in the end, like most things that require hard work, was worth every second of toil. I had to rebuild my life brick by brick. But now it's mine and my son's and that's worth something. We fill it with experiences that make us both happy. And he gets on well with his Dad. And his Dad and i have a civil coparenting relationship. It took years to build that. But it was worth every second.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

It´s been a while since i´ve been here. I moved back home and we´re living together. For a while it was strange but things got on track. Life feels normal now but we´re far from good. At least the problems we had we don´t have it anymore,, except for the lack of sex. Things were good a first but we got back at square one again. I can see she tries and initiate sometimes but mostly i have to push for it and fail 90% of the time maybe more. All i know is that once a month is not good for me. I decided to throw the towel and just see what happens. I am focused on my job right now and things are going well, stressful but well. I am still very worried about my daughter and that´s why i still try but i am at that place where if it ends it ends. At least i am not anxious anymore. I´m still open to meeting other people i´m not holding myself back until i can feel confident we´re moving forward. Anyway, back to work.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

When you first moved home, how was the makeup sex?

It should have been mindblowing. 

Sounds like it wasn't.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Trident said:


> When you first moved home, how was the makeup sex?
> 
> It should have been mindblowing.
> 
> Sounds like it wasn't.


Ah it was. 3 days of paradise but after 2 weeks things were cold again.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Dad84 said:


> Ah it was. 3 days of paradise but after 2 weeks things were cold again.


Unfortunately that's how it usually works. Too bad you only got a couple of weeks out of it. I think mine lasted the better part of a month.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Trident said:


> Unfortunately that's how it usually works. Too bad you only got a couple of weeks out of it. I think mine lasted the better part of a month.


I´m really tired of everything. Family is vital to me and i want my dauhgter to have what i had. If it wasn´t for her i wouldn´t be here.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

It's been little over a year since i started this thread and i am basically back where i was when i First shared my situation. My wife came with the same conversartion when we split in the end of 2020: "i am not happy, you are not happy..." Bla bla bla. Back then It caught me off guard and i did not reacted well. After all, i was losing my family. Things haven't changed much and what did change was for the worse. She grew more distant than ever and i stopped trying so hard. I know i did everything i could so i have no regrets and one day when my daughter asks me why we're not together i'll be able to look her in the eyes when i tell her. And i say this because i made the decision to leave. I am giving my daughter one last good weekend with mommy and daddy. Today was a good day. The Sun was shining and we went to the beach, she made friends (she is autistic and Very shy about approaching other kids), we played in the ocean and in this natural "pool" by the rocks. She had so much Fun that threw a tantrum not wanting to leave. I remember last year how difficult it was for her and it pains me to make her go through It all again but at least this Will be the last time because i am not going back under any circunstances. I do everything i can to make it work but once i give up i really mean It. All i can say it's that i am better than i was last year. I Will still suffer but nothing similar to what happened before. I am doing good at work and will be far better in six months. I thank everyone that took their time to answer me. I Will come back eventually to share the next events. I like to think that maybe my situation can help someone in a similar situation. See you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wayward wife is a serial cheater. Read up on the subject. You can’t fix her. I doubt she can fix her self.
Unless you drop the hopium pipe. This will be the rest of your life.
Sorry but there is no magic fix.

If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one.

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep your wayward wife warm. She’s not worth it.

Right now you are your biggest problem. Fix that or you’ll just get more of what you’ve gotten.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

It's done. I talked to her and ended everything. I could tell she was a little relieved. I still love her but could not see any scenario where we could work things out, no light at all at the end of the tunnel. Part of me wished she'd be shocked and not let me leave but i guess it was a natural feeling because i knew pretty well she wasn't going to do that. It was a calm and civil conversation where we both shared our feelings and agreed to Focus on our daughter. She is 5 and i have no Idea what to tell her. Last time she was so Sad. I wanted so much for us to be a family and even though i know It is not the case i can't shake this feeling like i'm abandoning her, like i failed. I am feeling pretty Sad right now but nothing comparing to last year. Now i only want my daughter to be okay, see her mother less and lesser and work my butt off to make some serious money.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

When we First broke up in december 2019 i was devastated but eventually got back together. I suspected there was another Guy but she Said no and After looking through her phone and keeping my eyes on her for the last year i found nothing. Since nothing improved i decided end our relationship as i Said above. Last tuesday i was at her house. She put our daughter to sleep and also Fell asleep with her. I decided to take a look at her phone and since we were separated she was careless and there It was... She was indeed ****ING CHEATING. I didnt want to believe It before but now It was in front of my eyes. She is a personal trainer and Works at the gym of this fancy condo in my town and the reason i never found out is because the guy lives there so the GPS would not look strange and she never used the phone because they Saw each other everyday in person. This was going on behind my back for 2 years. I am feeling awful, humiliated, disgusted. Everyday i was there to pick her up with our daughter and a Lot of times she was 20 or even 30 minutes late. I am devastated again and my daughter is already suffering. I hate her guts so much.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

She kept pushing my daughter to be with me so she could have more time with this guy. I worry about my daughter. Sometimes i can't help but to compare myself with him even though i Don't know him. Another thing that really hurts me is that for 5 years i tried to make it work and what she didnt give me all these years is gladly giving him in a week. I still love her, my heart wants to go home but my Head know its over. Yesterday i dropped my daughter off and couldn't even look her in the eyes. Her coldness is almost unberable. She acts like nothing is happening. I wished It was a normal breakup where people suffer and take their time but we broke up on a Sunday and the next day she was with him. I feel small, humiliated, ugly, worthless. Started my therapy on Friday and my mom has been helping me through this. I Just want time to get through this as fast as i can. Another thing that hurts me deeply is that throughout the years i was only good to her. We beber fought, never raised our voices at each other, i helped her get through everything. Whenever she needed me i was there and still she did this to me. I could understand not loving me anymore but this? This is too low, too disgusting.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Dad84 said:


> She kept pushing my daughter to be with me so she could have more time with this guy. I worry about my daughter. Sometimes i can't help but to compare myself with him even though i Don't know him. Another thing that really hurts me is that for 5 years i tried to make it work and what she didnt give me all these years is gladly giving him in a week. I still love her, my heart wants to go home but my Head know its over. Yesterday i dropped my daughter off and couldn't even look her in the eyes. Her coldness is almost unberable. She acts like nothing is happening. I wished It was a normal breakup where people suffer and take their time but we broke up on a Sunday and the next day she was with him. I feel small, humiliated, ugly, worthless. Started my therapy on Friday and my mom has been helping me through this. I Just want time to get through this as fast as i can. Another thing that hurts me deeply is that throughout the years i was only good to her. We beber fought, never raised our voices at each other, i helped her get through everything. Whenever she needed me i was there and still she did this to me. I could understand not loving me anymore but this? This is too low, too disgusting.


Sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound really sad and I can tell you are suffering at lot emotionally. I am glad that your mom is around to help out a bit -- that is great because many people don't have anyone to lean on. Don't forget to periodically thank your mom for her support during this tough time. Therapy is ok -- but maybe at this time you need more active and practical advise and help (with daily activities) to get through this situation. It may be helpful to talk to any good friends you may have as well. 

I am going through an emotionally-tough but amicable separation from a 20-year marriage. Yes it hurts deeply and your case is worse than mine with adultery and I would be very devastated in your situation too. You are going through grief and I think all of your negative thoughts about self esteem are normal. In my case, I went through such thoughts I think for a couple of weeks and then vacillated for a few more weeks trying to reconcile with my stbx and now moving forward with paperwork for dissolution after a couple of months (because my stbx is clear she wants to separate).

Now, after a few months, I am realizing there isn't much point in asking "why?" and thinking about things I could have done different, etc. I have realized that I just have to be a man, take stock of my situation, and move forwarded with my life making the best decisions I can. Hopefully, you will get to that somewhat stoic point soon. Until then give yourself time and take it easy on yourself.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Dad84 said:


> She kept pushing my daughter to be with me so she could have more time with this guy. I worry about my daughter. Sometimes i can't help but to compare myself with him even though i Don't know him. Another thing that really hurts me is that for 5 years i tried to make it work and what she didnt give me all these years is gladly giving him in a week. I still love her, my heart wants to go home but my Head know its over. Yesterday i dropped my daughter off and couldn't even look her in the eyes. Her coldness is almost unberable. She acts like nothing is happening. I wished It was a normal breakup where people suffer and take their time but we broke up on a Sunday and the next day she was with him. I feel small, humiliated, ugly, worthless. Started my therapy on Friday and my mom has been helping me through this. I Just want time to get through this as fast as i can. Another thing that hurts me deeply is that throughout the years i was only good to her. We beber fought, never raised our voices at each other, i helped her get through everything. Whenever she needed me i was there and still she did this to me. I could understand not loving me anymore but this? This is too low, too disgusting.


Take your time. It will feel like someone pointed a shotgun at your chest and pulled the trigger for awhile. But after some time, you should feel relief and realize she was a **** wife and you only wasted a few years of your life with her. 

I went through the same thing when my daughter was 7, worse pain in my life, more over breaking up our family than the ex. You will bounce back. Learn from your mistakes and move on. But for now take care of yourself and your daughter. She needs a good role model.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Take your time. It will feel like someone pointed a shotgun at your chest and pulled the trigger for awhile. But after some time, you should feel relief and realize she was a **** wife and you only wasted a few years of your life with her.
> 
> I went through the same thing when my daughter was 7, worse pain in my life, more over breaking up our family than the ex. You will bounce back. Learn from your mistakes and move on. But for now take care of yourself and your daughter. She needs a good role model.


It's been only a week so i hope After a month i Will feel better. The things that are hurt me the most were her manipulation to make me end the relationship when she was the one who left me for someone Else and her indifference and coldness towards me like i was the one who did something wrong. At least last year i could tell she was suffering and now It feels like she got rid of me. I feel worthless but that too shall pass.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I've only realized this now but the truth is she regreted getting pregnant because she didn't like me anymore. For the First three years After our baby was born we lived with my parents which was a good thing because she could never take care of things on her own. At the time i was studying for a test to join the police and she said she'd help me by taking Care of our baby but she never did help me. She was always demanding and critical saying i was chasing a dream and that i should get a job. She wasn't all wrong but i understand that her criticism was only to shift the blame from herself because she was at a place she didn't want to be but had no choice 'cos she had nowhere to go at the time. She has no one in life and the closest she had to a loving family is what i gave her. My family welcomed her with open arms. After three years when the opportunity to leave was real she didn't waste it. As soon as we left my parents she started looking to replace me. When It backfired on her she came back and i made the mistake of taking her back. She never liked me, never wanted to be with me or my family, our daughter was the only thing "holding" us together. It didn't matter If a had a good job with a good paycheck, all that would do is delay the inevitable and now i am glad we're not together because that would be time wasted for me. It hurts to realize i havent been appreciated or loved for years, that me and my family were only used but i still have time to rebuild, i still have choices. Right now i'm living a kind of paradox because in my heart i want her back, our family back but in my mind when i picture us together, kissing or hugging, i feel nauseated it's like i can't touch or be around her anymore. It Will take sometime to heal completely but i'll get there onde day at a time.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Been feeling "better". There's a woman i've been talking to and a gym instructor whom also seems interested. In moments i'm doing nothing my ex shows up in my thoughts. I really miss her and i feel i want her back. It's strange to feel that way because objectively speaking i don't want her anymore, i want her as far away as possible but my heart plays tricks on me. I've got a feeling i'll be laid off work but it's alright since i'm a realtor i can work solo. Anyway, life has to go on. I'll keep talking to this woman and see where It takes me. She seems like a good person. I don't know much about the gym instructor other than she's hot but i have no clue what to say to her (been out of the game for 8 years). We'll see. Good week to all.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Dad84 said:


> Been feeling "better". There's a woman i've been talking to and a gym instructor whom also seems interested. In moments i'm doing nothing my ex shows up in my thoughts. I really miss her and i feel i want her back. It's strange to feel that way because objectively speaking i don't want her anymore, i want her as far away as possible but my heart plays tricks on me. I've got a feeling i'll be laid off work but it's alright since i'm a realtor i can work solo. Anyway, life has to go on. I'll keep talking to this woman and see where It takes me. She seems like a good person. I don't know much about the gym instructor other than she's hot but i have no clue what to say to her (been out of the game for 8 years). We'll see. Good week to all.


Dad this is a really hard thread to read. Yes because of your cheating ***** for a wife and how she treated you & daughter but more so because you allowed it.
Some harsh language coming, but I say this as respectfully as possible.

I know you read NMMNG and took some of those points to heart but it seems to me like you have a ways to go.
I'm only saying this because it sounds like you're thinking of starting a new relationship. Don't go into this one prematurely. You still have work to do.

I think it's fine to have a fling. It's been said the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one. But you need to seriously consider your own issues.

I will "nit pick" your last post to show what I mean:
"* I really miss her and i feel i want her back.*" - Don't do this. Feel anger about her. What she did to you was unforgivable so don't feel like it would be ok.
"*Anyway, life has to go on*" - That's passive. If you're getting laid off make a plan now to replace your lost income and act on it. Don't let the world own you, you own the world. The realtor gig sounds like a maybe but if that was your passion you would already be doing that.
"* I'll keep talking to this woman and see where It takes me*" - Be clear about what you want and go after that. Respectfully of course, but get it in your head what your intentions are and take steps to see if that will work. Not this nonchalant passive attitude.

You're letting life circumstances dictate who you are, just like your wife did.
I may be off base in reading your language and if so then I apologize for my presumptions. Internet forums are hard to read sometimes.

The bottom line is I feel like you could end up in a similar situation if you don't realize you still have issues and if you jump into a relationship too soon.
I really don't want a bad ending for you (worse than you already have). You've been through enough and you have a young daughter to impress.

Talk to your therapist, adjust you alpha/beta or nice guy or whatever needs to happen.
I truly wish you the best.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Dad this is a really hard thread to read. Yes because of your cheating *** for a wife and how she treated you & daughter but more so because you allowed it.
> Some harsh language coming, but I say this as respectfully as possible.
> 
> I know you read NMMNG and took some of those points to heart but it seems to me like you have a ways to go.
> ...


You got it spot on. My atitude right now is passive mainly because of my depression but i am treating myself with a professional and taking my meds daily. Concerning the girl i was only looking for a fling it's good for self steem when someone likes you even tough you should not dependent on that which is something i've been doing my whole life as a emotionally dependent person. Being a realtor is not what i want in life but it's what's going to make me get there. I'm setting goals for this year so i can take my mind off her and Focus on work but i'm not going to lie that's really difficult for me right now. I vow to myself that i'll never be this weak again and i'm coming through with It, slowly, painfully, but i'll get there. Thanks for your words.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How many days a week do you have custody of your little girl? There's no reason she has to miss you and you her if you split the visitation and see her often.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your x is a lying cheater and doesn’t give a damn about you. Ask yourself this? What do you love about her?
Limit contact. If not you will keep yourself in this. You can only control you. Nothings else. 
Stay away from rebounds. You don’t need more problems right now. Concentrate on your daughter. 
At least you should be out of denial.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Your x is a lying cheater and doesn’t give a damn about you. Ask yourself this? What do you love about her?
> Limit contact. If not you will keep yourself in this. You can only control you. Nothings else.
> Stay away from rebounds. You don’t need more problems right now. Concentrate on your daughter.
> At least you should be out of denial.


Hi, Marc. Understand all of that. It's Just too recent so It hurts. I found out this week my ex is an introvert narcissist which is all more reason to stay away. I'm doing what i have to do, sometimes i give in to anxiety and depression but i'm moving forward. Thanks you as always.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How many days a week do you have custody of your little girl? There's no reason she has to miss you and you her if you split the visitation and see her often.


Custody is not an issue. I see my daughter more than she does but in the Future i know she Will use my daughter to try to manipulate me but now she depends on my mother to watch her since she can't afford daycare so she won't try anything right now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dad84 said:


> Custody is not an issue. I see my daughter more than she does but in the Future i know she Will use my daughter to try to manipulate me but now she depends on my mother to watch her since she can't afford daycare so she won't try anything right now.


Well you can always get it all down on a formal piece of paper agreed to by both of you to avoid going back and forth in the future if necessary.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you can always get it all down on a formal piece of paper agreed to by both of you to avoid going back and forth in the future if necessary.


Right now i'm saving whatsapp conversations as evidence of our arrangements but since this benefits me i won't do anything for now. If she creates a problem i'll file for shared custody which is 15 days with me and 15 days with her and she'll have to manage the expenses that come with It like daycare. That's How i got her where i want her. The way things are i got her where i want her and my daughter spends more time with me.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Hi, everyone. It's been a while. I Just wanted to give an update on my current situation. After only a couple of months she was already picking up and dropping off my daughter with this Guy like nothing happened. I struggled for three months and after that i was feeling better, lighter even though still suffering. My daughter was always asking why we were separated and suffered too but eventually got used to it. At the end of the fourth month guess who got dumped and came runnning back? I was already on my way to letting things go but that was the cherry on the cake. We always want them to suffer for what they did to us but i didn't expect it would be so soon. She probably thought It was going to be like the last time but when i rejected her she went nuts. She went as far as begging and crying to take her back. I'm not going to lie, It was Very satisfying. Pure karma. Although she is not begging and crying anymore which is good 'cos it got annoying pretty fast, she is still trying to get back. She sends me old pictures of us, of when she was pregnant trying to persuade me. I have no intentions of going back, my life has only improved after we broke up. I still suffer with depression and the fact that i cant go to the gym due to injury makes me frustrated because is something i love. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to work and move on which also wasn't helping. Since i managed to save some money i decided to take the rest of the year off and have been enjoying myself a lot. Movies, shows, going out with friends or just having a beer by myself. I have no romantic interest with anyone which is new to me. Do not miss the sex or desire any contact with other women. I have used Tinder and chat with some women but never set a date or something, it became like a matching game i guess. Now i just want my arm to get better and lift some weights again. Therapy also helped me a lot to understand my issues. Thanks for the support.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm glad to hear that you got to a point of strength within yourself to be able to objectively being able to reject her. She probably thought that you still were the same weak man that she dumped. 

Regardless of the satisfaction of the karma, your rejection showed her that she can't any longer treat you as her plan B; which I'm sure that's what she thought. She probably thought that all it was going to take as effort was to come crying to you asking to be back together and everything would be fine. She thought that you were the "sure thing". Instead she found a man with sufficient self respect and dignity, to say no. Keep it that way. Do not falter. She will continue after you, until she's truly convinced that you're not going back to her. In order to convince her, just keep strong, matter of fact, and issues related to your daughter only. 

Do not engage her into any type of back and forth conversations. Ghost her for everything, other than child related issues. Text massages to point is the best. Avoid, meeting her in person at all if possible. 

Good luck.


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