# Explaining to friends without sounding bitter



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

My friends have been very supportive during my the past 3 years of emotional mess.

However, now that we are at the end of divorce; I am frustrated that my exH has not given me a check for child support since Oct payment. He claims he has no money and broke although he travels alot now with his new sugar mama. he "Claims" he never pays for anything and has $20 in his pocket.

When I explain this to my friends they say, "Wow, that is hard or poor D13". I don't want to sound bitter or angry all the time but I keep thinking, if your hubbies walked out on you, setup house with mistress and never again cared about the marriage, mutual debt, bills or divorce proceedings - you would need to file for WELFARE.

I make decent salary and am covering 3K house bills per month plus credit card and all expenses while my ex has not given me ANY money in four months. 

Is anyone else experiencing this? How do you explain to friends or vent to support system without being all consumed in this pain and stress> How do you get people to understand and not feel sorry for exH that he is "broke". Man gambled 11K away on online horseracing in 2012 and 14K CASH in 2013. 

How do I stop obsessing about his lack of contributions and just say F*CK HIM and reset brain?


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

1. Enforce the child support agreement in court, even if you don't see one cent. Hold him accountable. In my state, it is easy to garnish wages, tax returns, and lottery or gambling winnings (good luck!) for child support obligations. See what recourse you have.
2. You are supposed to vent to your friends and support system. If you feel bitter, let them know. Your feelings are your feelings. Don't suppress them.
3. A man would step up and meet his financial obligations, and would not complain about being broke after paying child support. They are his children.
4. You will stop obsessing after you take all the actions you can to hold him accountable, because you will know that you have done everything you can. A deadbeat is a deadbeat.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Can you take it through the courts as mentioned above?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> 1. Enforce the child support agreement in court, even if you don't see one cent. Hold him accountable. In my state, it is easy to garnish wages, tax returns, and lottery or gambling winnings (good luck!) for child support obligations. See what recourse you have.
> 2. You are supposed to vent to your friends and support system. If you feel bitter, let them know. Your feelings are your feelings. Don't suppress them.
> 3. A man would step up and meet his financial obligations, and would not complain about being broke after paying child support. They are his children.
> 4. You will stop obsessing after you take all the actions you can to hold him accountable, because you will know that you have done everything you can. A deadbeat is a deadbeat.


:iagree:


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Am very sorry your going through this. Seems that if a spouse is self employed you have no re-course for any money so best you move on and realize since you won't be getting any you need to budget without with your salary alone.

Three thousand a month for house bills, plus credit card expenses and other seems like an awful lot to me. Can you consider downsizing? Reducing your expenses is the only way to help you reduce debt and the stress that goes with it. 

Follow the court laws as suggested so it is on paper that he pays on child support (in Florida he will go to jail) but as for the rest you are going to need to make changes to your and your kids lifestyles and live within your means. 

It is hard and yes life sucks sometimes, but we have to learn to deal with it. Divorce and spouses who do not contribute to their children exisit (both male and female). It is up to the remaining spouse and children to move on and make a better life for ourselves. It takes sacrifice, but needs to be done. Believe me, when you have control, pay off your debts and live within your means you will have such a sense of empowerment. It will all be worth it. 

Good luck.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. Since exh is self employed we have very little recourse. We are filing with FL state child support next week once the motion is 30 days past. Since he has not cooperated with financials, court needs to impose a salary which is probably much lower than actually on books. Once state of FL has him on the books, he will need to pay late fees, etc. 

In 2007 we bought a very expensive home, a year before economy crashed. Now the house is worth 40% less and I have refi to te lowest possible mortgage. I want to sell but AGAIN, need to have him sign since we are both on deed. He refused, so I need to wait for divorce to be final so I can be granted sole owner with forced quit claim deed before I can get rid of it and move to a more reasonable location. 

The cheating and the lies were extremely difficult to handle and accept but the complete abandonment and the lack of cooperation to legally end the marriage and all the mutual marital debt is equally as emotional and stressful. I am so pissed with what the courts will put up with from deadbeats.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Hi FFL,

I am living with my mom and WAW changed her mind about custody. I can afford housing or my lawyer. In her filing, she called my mom's house "dirty and cramped." She is living in an expensive home with POSOM.

Bitter? Yes I am. Its natural. But I don't have to listen to her anymore. That's a start.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

FrustratedFL said:


> Thanks for your replies. Since exh is self employed we have very little recourse. We are filing with FL state child support next week once the motion is 30 days past. Since he has not cooperated with financials, court needs to impose a salary which is probably much lower than actually on books. Once state of FL has him on the books, he will need to pay late fees, etc.
> 
> In 2007 we bought a very expensive home, a year before economy crashed. Now the house is worth 40% less and I have refi to te lowest possible mortgage. I want to sell but AGAIN, need to have him sign since we are both on deed. He refused, so I need to wait for divorce to be final so I can be granted sole owner with forced quit claim deed before I can get rid of it and move to a more reasonable location.
> 
> The cheating and the lies were extremely difficult to handle and accept but the complete abandonment and the lack of cooperation to legally end the marriage and all the mutual marital debt is equally as emotional and stressful. I am so pissed with what the courts will put up with from deadbeats.


Can't your attorney subpoeona bank records? Don't you still have account #s, etc.? Sometimes a PI with good connections and find hidden accounts via his SS# which I'm sure you have.

Hope that he marries his new gal - then they'll take her salary into consideration as household income. But I'd demand banking records, business tax returns (which you can legally ask for the years you were married to him without an attorney just reference years and tax ID/SS# if sole proprietor and they'll mail you copies). 

Can they get a lien against his bank account and seize the funds until the arrears portion is paid? I think they can in my state.

ETA - since you bought your home in 2007 can you reference the closing documents and/or banking documents for income? After all you had to qualify - if that's his last salary of record, that might work.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Enjoli - in 2007, we went no income verification for our mortgage. Between our company and my salary we were doing very well. Before economy and construction business fell to the bottom in 2008/2009.

I filed his income from the 2012 tax return with the court. The judge decided to give ex more time to come up with a figure more close to actual number for 2014. He said Florida courts find it unconstitutional to impede a salary for self employed construction contractors since the job market is still pretty low in Florida and economy is not stable. 

At this point the court impeded a much lower salary on him then what I feel he is worth, however; it is not worth the delay nor extra money to hire forensic accountant or more legal costs since he has nothing. He barely pays his lights and water was shut off last week. 

I had our business accountant certify the amounts from 2012 and included in the package presented to the judge. That is the most I can do at this point. Cant get blood from a turd.  

I just wished he would have cooperated and did the financials and did mediate to divide debt. It would have been an adult way to go out. But I cannot expect anything from him since he did not even follow the marriage vows. Just so frustrated. At least the house will be mine and I can sell or keep without any say from him.

Thanks for the suggestions. Appreciate it!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Have your asked the lawyer about averaging his salary. I have never heard a judge making an order based on unconstitutional for self employed construction workers and imputing a lower number based on nothing really. 

I would think if you had 2012, 2011, 2010 tax records the average should be a good baseline for imputed wage, that is what most states do in this situation. Florida is an odd duck in the divorce world but not that odd. 

If you are that upside down in the home why are you even trying to keep up with the payments by yourself? Moneywise you would be better off walking away from the home and let the bank take the hit. Waiting till the divorce is final and you have sole ownership only creates a larger headache for you. It sounds like a short sale situation so why should you take the hit yourself? The bank will chase him too for the money. Its not a great way to do it but wiping yourself out because you are the responsible one doesn’t help you either. Banks and credit card companies could care less what temp orders or divorce decrees say they will chase both parties for the debt. 

If you put the home up for sale and he refuses to sign the judge will sign for him or give him the opportunity to take the home as his in which case that headache would be out of your way. 

As far as sounding bitter to you friends, stick with the facts and they will understand. Unfortunately the one who cares the least seems to come out the best in divorce. He has no reason to cooperate, none of this is hurting him.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Honcho - thanks for your reply. I spoke to a bankruptcy lawyer recently and was told since my home is the biggest debt I would probably be eligible for chapter 7 keeping my home and waiving the credit card and joint debt in my name. I cannot do this till after divorce is final wgen deed is turned over to jy name only because we have an investment property also that ex lives in and it gets complicated with the business. After divorce is final - big house will be mine, the credit card balances will be split pretty evenly and the investment property will be his. I can relinquish my portion of investment prop in bankruptcy and all credit cards since my mortgage payment and child expenses will be most of my net income. If I don't go that route I will short sale house without having to get exh or judge involved. 

If I had my lawyer petition the judge to enforce the house sale, it would cost me more and more money. I have paid enough to petition court for everything while exh goes dark. I agree he could care less since it is not affecting him. Another slap of disrespect towards me,


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

When I talk to my friends I mostly focus on myself. In the beginning of my separation, which is now at a year, I made a decision that I could not confess the faults of my W to others. I could only talk about my part in this. 

Eventually I did tell them about her EA. But by then they had heard that I had been a workaholic and created a context for that to happen. So while the EA is her responsibility not mine, I still have to talk about my role. I focus on myself when I talk to others.

that has been very freeing for me. To be honest about myself. To take a hard look at my life and take responsibility for it, not blaming others. Occasionally I might vent, but that is the exception.

And I also knew that I could not overburden my friends with this stuff. It is too much for people to take, hearing about my woes all the time. So I made sure to talk mostly about other stuff anyhow and only talk about my marriage issues for brief times. 

Talking about this stuff is what counseling is for. So if you are not in IC, I suggest it, not only as a place to vent, but as a place to learn how to deal with it so that you grow as a result.


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