# Update #2: Utterly Destroyed Right Now



## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hello TAM. My divorce was final on June 1, which followed my DDay six months ago. My ex wife was a serial cheater. We're talking Hall of Fame, world class cheater that used hook up sites and business trips, picked up guys in bars, etc.

This stuff was all news to me when I found out but inside I knew the marriage was sick. My instincts were screaming that something was terribly wrong but I ignored them. Probably mostly because of my 4 young kids and the fact that I couldn't have fathomed doing that to somebody. 

I am nowhere near better and still trigger all the time. The pain is intense and I have started attending AA because I was turning to alcohol again. My self esteem is still in the tank. Initially I had some success with finding some female company but then there were some dates that fizzled out I think because I was honest about my situation and the women viewed me as too screwed up. 

Infidelity has screwed me up. I think the serial cheating is even worse and I know way too many details. This has been a total mind [email protected]@k.

I just don't want to be the bitter angry guy any longer. I feel like there is a dark cloud around me that everyone can see a mile away. There are men in my company that are well meaning religious types that were encouraging me not to divorce even with the adultery. It was so painful to listen to that because divorce was never what I wanted but I could not tolerate how disrespectful my ex-wife's conduct was. She has no moral compass to do the stuff she did. I've racked my brain trying to understand it.

I pray, I exercise, I try to socialize but a lot of the joy is gone from my life. 

Just really praying that this won't last for too much longer because I don't like the person I am right now. At first I thought I was getting much stronger but now I'm not so sure.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dude...it has only been six months. 

Get off your own back. Quit tying yourself up in knots and thinking you will never be normal again. 

First off, do not date. Learn to be by yourself for a while and learn to enjoy being with yourself again. 

Second, work out and stay in shape.. Eat right and take some Benadryl at night if you can't sleep. 

Third, stay in AA....that's good, very good. But also try to get with a grief counselor who you will feel free enough to talk about anything with. 

Stay dark and have no more contact with the ex than absolutely necessary. 

Again, it has only been six months. This process could take years.


----------



## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

The only religion you need right now is the religion of truth....she hurt you and now you need to use principles to figure out how to become a stronger person...grace, compassion and love for yourself. Buddhism is a good religion for that and you can still believe In your god in the process. If something is asking you to accept bad behavior it is probably not a good religion. Divorce from cheaters is a good thing. Learn how to move forward and become the man you always knew you could be. Stop looking to religion and figure out how to become who you are. Then you will attract amazing people to you as friends or lovers or a possible mate.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I recommend Zorastrianism... But you will need to move to India.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hello TAM. My divorce was final on June 1, which followed my DDay six months ago. My ex wife was a serial cheater. We're talking Hall of Fame, world class cheater that used hook up sites and business trips, picked up guys in bars, etc.
> 
> This stuff was all news to me when I found out but inside I knew the marriage was sick. My instincts were screaming that something was terribly wrong but I ignored them. Probably mostly because of my 4 young kids and the fact that I couldn't have fathomed doing that to somebody.
> 
> ...


Sorry you're here in my same boat with me.

Let me try to help you understand why your ex-wife did this. I've said this here before. It's really very simple. She is lacking in moral character. It's not your fault. You did not drive her to having affairs. You said yourself you cannot fathom doing this to another person. Of course you can't. You sound like a good person. She is not. She's probably a narcissist who needs constant validation of how special she is, and feels entitled to that. It pissed her off that you weren't giving that to her and was sure she deserved more. But rather than admit this to you, she chose to try out different men from within the comfort of her marriage, rather than do the brave thing and go be alone for a while.

You feel completely screwed up. But you're not broken, just bent. She, however, is broken. When you've fully healed, and you will, you'll be truly ready to date again. And no one will see you as screwed up because you won't be.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dawg, you have a blessing in disguise. You found out she was using you as a base of operation and you are now shed of her. Think about the alternative. You could have went on for years being duped and investing more of your life in this parasite. 
Don't give up on women. There are a lot of good ones out there. Just do the smart thing that too many men fail to do; spend less time talking and more time listening. (And quit using them as your shrink. They don't think youre screwed up. They just don't want to hear about your problems with other women. Its not really sexy and romantic.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes time (a lot of time) to process something as major as betrayal. It's obviously not something we expect and we aren't prepared for the devastation. There's a lot of "two steps forward and one step back". Don't pressure yourself with expectations. You'll heal at your own pace.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SG, life really does get better. You've got to keep that in mind. Happiness post divorce is very doable. Your D hasn't even been final for a month yet. It takes some time. Focus on yourself and your kids.

Exercise and take care of yourself as well. 

Get counseling also.

If I can do it. You can do it also!

Best!
WD


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I pray, I exercise, I try to socialize but a lot of the joy is gone from my life.


Continue working out, find joy and solace in your children...love them, let them love you, and most importantly...seek out counseling and let "her" go.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Given the debate that's unfolded in this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/275202-did-details-hurt-help-heal.html

...over the past few days, I feel it important to point out that, w/ over 20 affairs of different varieties (everything from ONS's to LTA's) under her belt, SG's ex-wife's infidelities comprise one of the more extreme cases that we've seen here at TAM.

Sooo... something to keep in mind for anyone looking to zero in on this specific tidbit...



SimpleGuy357 said:


> Infidelity has screwed me up. I think the serial cheating is even worse and *I know way too many details. This has been a total mind [email protected]@k.*


----------



## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Did you got this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Don't judge it by its cover or title, you will find a lot of advice on how rebuild yourself.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

She's one human being. One.

This world has billions of people. You could go out into the street and literally bump into thousands of people.

She's just one human being.

You're letting one human being who never gave a scruff about you continued dominion on your life?

Yes she screwed around, yes she wrecked your marriage, yes she took you for a ride and abused your trust.

But she's gone. You forgive yourself, you chalk it up to experience and you consign her to history.

You're letting one person dictate the terms of your happiness moving forward. When do you get pissed and say screw that I deserve to be happy as well?

Yes those other women run a mile because guess what, you start talking about your ex and how she screwed you and woe is me they're thinking what the heck does this have to do with me..I just came to have fun because he seemed like a fun guy.

Let go. Have fun and don't talk about your ex because she's a loser who doesn't need to take up anymore space in your life. Until you let go, no matter whom you date there will always be three and you know three is a crowd.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Infidelity has screwed me up. I think the *serial cheating is even worse *and I know way too many details.


I disagree. Each new guy added additional evidence that something was wrong with her and not you. In a way serial cheating is comforting because it proves that one man, any man wasn’t enough. Her going crazy over one man would be worse.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SG, after I caught my wife and found out about all the other guys she'd been with during our marriage I also turned to alcohol. But that wasn't enough for me. I got into serious hard core drugs. I started fighting in bars and anywhere else it seemed. I guess I was angry. I lost my job, became homeless and alienated everyone who tried to help me. I bedded many women, not for pleasure as I thought then but as I discovered later I did it for revenge, to hurt women in general. Then I got clean. Actually started accepting help and eventually met and married my current wife of almost three decades. My mistake all those years ago was not fully detaching from the hurtful actions of my ex wife. Go to counseling, focus on yourself, do things that truly make you happy. You'll have to fake it till you make it for a while but as long as you don't give up you'll get there.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, I'm so sorry. It hurts. My ex was a serial cheater, I get it.

There is no magic fix for the pain, right now. Six months makes this a fresh wound, so of course you aren't healed. It sounds almost trite but the healing takes time. It happens, little by little and day by day. There are things you can do to make it a healthy healing process and others have mentioned them.

Let me suggest that you don't date for a while. And by that I mean maybe a few months. You are no where near at a point where you can have a healthy relationship with someone else right now. Focus on yourself and your kids.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hello TAM. My divorce was final on June 1, which followed my DDay six months ago. My ex wife was a serial cheater. We're talking Hall of Fame, world class cheater that used hook up sites and business trips, picked up guys in bars, etc.
> 
> This stuff was all news to me when I found out but inside I knew the marriage was sick. My instincts were screaming that something was terribly wrong but I ignored them. Probably mostly because of my 4 young kids and the fact that I couldn't have fathomed doing that to somebody.
> 
> ...


Google EDMR therapy. You're suffering from PTSD.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SG

Congratulations on your D. Your ExW left you with no other choice. Believe it.

Did you get tested for STD's?

Did you ever paternity test your kids just to be on the safe side?

How is your relationship with your Ex/kids now 1 month post divorce?

Did you ever tell your families why you divorced your Ex?

Her behavior, choice of random affair partners and loose lifestyle is self abuse. It will eventually back fire on her....

HM


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SG
> Did you ever paternity test your kids just to be on the safe side?


This.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Two things. It's recommended that you not date after a divorce for at least one month for every year of marriage. So if you were married 7 years, you shouldn't have even tried to date yet. And so on. You NEED that time alone to process what happened and figure out who you really are. You're in no position to be dating. If you want sex, just go find someone who just wants sex. But no dating.

Second, she is a SERIAL cheater. Which tells you what?

That it wasn't about you. It was NEVER about you. That she would have cheated on ANY man she married because SHE is screwed up.

So let yourself off the hook.

You ARE in therapy, right?


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hey. So sorry you have been through all this. It can be a huge blow and it takes time to heal and work through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep putting one foot in front if the other. "A day at a time" as they say in the fellowship. It's good you are in AA, that will give you somewhere to connect with others and stay on track. Don't let your ex take your sobriety too. 

With the dating thing, it can take time before you're ready for that too. Maybe the women have sensed you are still healing so have sensed to give you the space to do that. 

Losing a marriage and coming to terms with betrayal is huge. It can leave a big hole in your life and in your heart. If you're not already, it would bee a good idea to get some counselling. But also take up some new and interesting hobbies. Things like dancing, writing, just anything new, something you have thought about trying. It's a good way to meet others and helps you find enjoyment again and a constructive escape when you just need to get out of your head a bit. 

Keep rechong out and do your best to maintain balance in your life if the simple things, and remember, a day at a time


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do hope that in the D, she did not get custody of the kids, child support, alimony and most of your assets.

However, even if she did, your life will be so much better. She will get stds, and will continue to play the field, with men that only want her for sex, not a long term relationship.

How are the children doing with all of this?

You are now no longer married to her, and she would not stop. Your life will be so much better, you may want to go to counseling for help, but your wife will no longer be stabbing you in the back all the time.

Exercise, join some groups and help your kids. Some lady will notice that you are one for a long term relationship.

Hope the pain decreases and it will with time. Good luck.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry you are here and even more sorry that you are allowing this broken woman to continue to influence your life. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate: it's indifference. 

It is still quite early in this process. It takes time to heal. You should be using this time to work on yourself and to come to the point of indifference. The only thing you really lost in the divorce was the parasitic b1tch that was sucking the life out of you. IT WILL GET BETTER!!


----------

