# Why is it



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I have been reading alot of post from here and other site's . 

I have noticed a pattern in the men nowadays . it seems like most of then kiss the cheaters a** . why because they love them and think they can't live without them . or because of the kids . i got news for you , you can live without them and you can find someone else . 

Cheating spouses are liers . a lot of them play the card that there is something wrong with them mentally and say all the things you want to hear just so you will keep a roof over there head and giving them money and cellphone so they can keep cheating on you while you become a chuckhold and don't even know it . they have you convinced they don't like sex and all that . it's all bull**** . the minute your back was turned they went to someone else . they do it without any consequences from you because you love them and they know you will not kick there butt out because you love them so they just run over you . what will teach them that they are in the wrong to punish them not by hitting them but taking things away from them that is making it easy for them . stop letting them run over you and then back up and run over you again . get mad and do not take there bull**** . 

As for the kids if you think about it . they watch what you do so they can be like you . do you want your daughter to grow up thinking cheating is ok and that is ho. She should treat her husband by lieing and cheating on him and treat him like sh** . do you want your son to be a husband that takes everything his wife does to him . if you let her treat you like that , that is what will happen . but if you take a stand and then talk to them and let them know what there mom did and how wrong it is then they will have a chance of being a good person and the cycle doesn't keep repeating itself with your kids . 

I mean wake up she cheated it's not your fault it is hers and hers alone . you can not make her love you by being kissing her a** . and being a wimp . i mean she cheated and you are kissing her a** she should be kissing yours . yes it may hurt you to kick her out but you will heal faster that way then to put up with mounths even years of her mental abuse . the way they are treating you is abuse and staying with them and kissing up to them is just giving them power over you that is what they want . stop being a chuckhold and a wimp and get mad .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a similar problem when women who are cheated on and reconcile with their cheating husbands?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK....

You seem to assume that in all cases the BS is a wonderful person who never did anything to contribute to their broken marriage. 

Sure sometimes very good people are cheated on. But often times, the BS has done a lot to damage their marraige. A blanket solution for all marriages in which a spouse cheats does not make sense because often time the BS has done soemthing to damage their marriage. Many affairs are what are called exit affair. It's the WS's way to finding the courage to leave a very bad situation. And, as it turns out, this is the only thing that finally wakes the BS up to the fact that they are very much responsible for a large portion of the distruciton of thier marriage.

Instead of attempting to insult and shame people into accepting only one solution to a marraige in which infidelity has occurred, I think it's a lot wiser to let each BS and WS work through their issues and decide for themselves the solution that works for them... divorce, recovery, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could put your points over without being so belittling and insulting to people who don't deserve to have **** tipped over them.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Sorry if it sounded like that , i wasn't trying to belittle anyone . it really bothers me when they stand there at take it . just trying to get them to wake up . i know oh to well what cheaters will do . my ex even tried to take my two young kids to a drunken party with drugs going around at the party . i just want people to wake up and not be fooled by these cheaters . i hate to see the good people getting hurt time and time again . man up or in some cases woman up . 

If i afended any one i am sorry for that .


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

He is just having a moment and venting. We all have those days. I mean, I read over the original post and agreed 100% with it. We all reach that point where we are sick and tired of dealing with the crap from a cheater. Male or female.....does not matter.

Maybe not the most constructive way to get the point across. But the point probably hits home for a lot of us.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I guess I should add that I spent some time as the sucker he described years ago. Prior to 2014. And yeah, life does get a lot better after you snap out of that mess. Stop believing in fairy takes. Some people will take advantage of you and hurt you just because you allow them to. It is as simple as that.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

It-guy 

Sorry that you went through that . i hope you finally snaped out of it . i am sure when you did you felt alot better . i would bet the stress got alot better to .


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> OK....
> 
> You seem to assume that in all cases the BS is a wonderful person who never did anything to contribute to their broken marriage.
> 
> ...


But here is the age old debate and different people come out of different sides of it... 

For me, it is a deal breaker, no matter what. 

Male or female, there is ALWAYS the choice to divorce and not cheat if you are not happy in the R. 

That is too simplistic for some, but that is how my mind works...


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

niceguy47460 said:


> It-guy
> 
> Sorry that you went through that . i hope you finally snaped out of it . i am sure when you did you felt alot better . i would bet the stress got alot better to .


Oh yeah. I snapped out of it a long time ago That made all the difference in the world. It took getting angry like you described.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

It-guy

Glad you did get mad and now i figure you are having a better life now . 

When people beg and plead for the WS to stay and work things out but all they are doing is giving them more power .


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

niceguy47460 said:


> When people beg and plead for the WS to stay and work things out but all they are doing is giving them more power .


Yeah, that kind of makes my head explode when I read posts where the BS is doing that.

Good lord, the message the BS is sending their cheater is, "you can cheat on me, disrespect me, degrade me, devalue me, lie to me, deceive me, and I'll STILL stay with you."

Ugh.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Yeah it kinda makes me mad the way the do that . when i am reading it i set yelling wake up get mad and put them out the door . they are just useing you and hurting you .


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> OK....
> 
> You seem to assume that in all cases the BS is a wonderful person who never did anything to contribute to their broken marriage.
> 
> ...


I used to be a WH, then a BH. I know what it feels like on both sides. I find it very interesting that there are so many perfect and faithful BH out there in the world, when statistics say otherwise. R is not easy, but it can be accomplished. We each have to do what is right for us. If it does not work out, you can at least say you did your best.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I must say that I do agree with the general sentiment of niceguy here. Sure there are contributory factors to a bad marriage that a BS can be responsible for but (in my humble opinion) there is NO EXCUSE for cheating and I could never condone such behaviour therefore cannot support the exit affair as being the ONLY way to deal with a situation. This is always going to be bad behaviour on the part of the "exiter".

Also I think that niceguy is referring to vast majority of BS'es out there that tried to cling on to the cheater no matter what and if not for the collective wisdom of TAM (brutal though it may be in some instances) would have fallen back into toxic cheating relationships again and again.

I dont buy into "I couldnt help it", or "I was not getting the attention I need", or "he/she showed me the emotion or kindness I needed", or even "he/she was abusing me physically or mentally" (or in one extreme case if memory serves me correctly, "I did it for the kids") as valid excuses for cheating. I've even heard "you dont really know my situation so dont judge" from WS'es.

This is one of the tenets of this forum that has made it attractive to me.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Manfromlama

That is exactly what i mean that the majority of cases . and i to do not believe in the exit strategy . i mean if you want out get a divoice and get it over with . they don't need to put the other person through all of that stress and having the kids growing up thinking that is how it should be . i mean the kids see the cheating of one and how the other is letting it happen so the think that is what they need to do whenn they grow up . all the stuff that the cheaters try to blame it on is bull**** . they did it because they wanted to . that is the truth of it plain and simple .


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm a very bad man...and trust me guys like me get cheated on too! but some times you have to beg...especially if it keeps the cops out of an already messy situation.


So I understand why a betrayed might want to start begging...the question is what exactly are betrayed begging for?


Always remember when you are negotiating for your life never beg, but sell your self with confidence in the fact that you are going to be good/great without the wayward.


It's so important that after d-day a betrayed has to take a step back and get their sh self together to have an effective confrontation! Number one thing betrayed ph mess up is the confrontation.


Then the betrayed gets even more freaked up when they get manipulated after the confrontation.....that's when you need to bring your confidence level to an all new high....no matter what!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> I have noticed a pattern in the men nowadays . it seems like most of then kiss the cheaters a** . why because they love them and think they can't live without them . or because of the kids . i got news for you , you can live without them and you can find someone else .


A lot of people do what is called the "pick me" dance in desperate effort to get their cheating spouse to choose them and stay in the marriage/relationship instead of preferring to be with their affair partner. And, there are both men and women who want to stay with their cheating partner. The phenomenon is not exclusive to just men. It sounds like you were cheated on and are quite angry about it, but men are not the only ones who become betrayed. Historically, men have cheated on their wives, and the women had to just take it because of the way society was set up. Since she was dependent on him and was unable to make her own way in life, she had to suck up and live with the pain. These days, life is easier for women, and they can work for their own financial independence, as well as make up their own minds regarding how they want to live their lives. Even though, throughout history, women also cheated, it wasn't nearly as much as men cheated. These days, statistics show that men cheat only around 17% - 20% more than women cheat, so women are cheating more than they used to, but men still cheat more than women. So again, men are not the only ones betrayed as you think.

Most people don't have the principle standards made up in their minds ahead of time. So, since they don't have any conviction for themselves with regard to being cheated on, they don't have a plan to execute when it happens. When faced with the situation, they don't know what to do and are too devastated and hurt to figure it out, along with a myriad of emotions that make them confused and unable to make that decision.

A devastated person cannot separate their pain from love, and then can't separate love from logic. Events in a person's life, like break ups and betrayal, make the heart grow fonder. They have a way of wreaking havoc and sending both the psyche and emotional system into supersonic overdrive. In spite of the pain, or perhaps because of the pain, either event makes a person want their partner exponentially more desperately, makes a person exponentially more lustful for their partner. That comes from the sudden and urgent need, prompted by the painful event, to be loved and wanted since the event itself reduces and marginalizes the person's identity and sense of value. And then, because of those strong emotions, a person falls prey to their own inability to separate the reality of the event from the pain that it caused. It all becomes too complex and too difficult to mentally wade through and compartmentalize. To remedy the overload in order to make a decision, a person defaults to minimal degree mode, basing decisions on that which will require the least amount of rational deliberation and that which most aligns with those turbulent emotions.

That's why people do the "pick me" dance and are rendered unable to hate the person who hurt them so badly. In other words, being hurt and devastated like that makes a person love their tormentor even more.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> OK....
> 
> You seem to assume that in all cases the BS is a wonderful person who never did anything to contribute to their broken marriage.
> 
> Sure sometimes very good people are cheated on. But often times, the BS has done a lot to damage their marriage.


 @EleGirl,
Can you name for me one offense by a BS that warrants them being cheated on? This looks alot like victim blaming to me.
No matter how bad the BS is the wayward has the option to leave and divorce before they get ****ed.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Statistics are not always right because men are more likely to tell you they cheated where women are most likely to lie about it


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Women seem a lot more adept at covering it up than men. Several years ago I ran across a study that suggested that, when EAs are considered, up to 60% of women have them. Some appear to fall into an EA and drop out a some time later. Trouble is, I haven't been able to recover the author of the research.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @EleGirl,
> Can you name for me one offense by a BS that warrants them being cheated on? This looks alot like victim blaming to me.
> No matter how bad the BS is the wayward has the option to leave and divorce before they get ****ed.


A violent and abusive spouse keeps the love of their life (yeah! Right! the love of their life! ) in fear and though the abused spouse stays with them out of a combination of love and fear, they meet with someone who treats them well, speaks to them kindly and doesn't physically and mentally abuse them like their spouse does.

Now, I can see how the abused spouse might start having an affair with such a person. Who will probably see themselves as a Knight or a Knightess in Shining Armour.

Of course, the abused spouse should be strong and brave and morally pure enough to divorce their spouse before even looking at another potential partner.

But years of telling everyone that they are OK, that the doors in their house keep hitting them in the head and face, they can't seem to even look at the stove without getting a burn and that they are just so clumsy and they are so very, very, sorry *so* sorry for being so damn clumsy, might mean that they are not always capable of thinking straight.

So, yeah, I can see why someone might have an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

niceguy47460 said:


> Statistics are not always right because men are more likely to tell you they cheated where women are most likely to lie about it


Unless you just made that "statistic" up?>


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> A violent and abusive spouse keeps the love of their life (yeah! Right! the love of their life! ) in fear and though the abused spouse stays with them out of a combination of love and fear, they meet with someone who treats them well, speaks to them kindly and doesn't physically and mentally abuse them like their spouse does.
> 
> Now, I can see how the abused spouse might start having an affair with such a person. Who will probably see themselves as a Knight or a Knightess in Shining Armour.
> 
> ...


 My first thought as well, but it is still not a valid reason. Possibly a less deceitful excuse, but not a valid reason to cheat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> My first thought as well, but it is still not a valid reason. Possibly a less deceitful excuse, but not a valid reason to cheat.


True. But a violent spouse has already "cheated" their spouse out of a good marriage.

It's wrong for a rich person to steal £1,000,000. It's also wrong for a starving person to steal a sandwich.

But then we get into the area of mitigating circumstances.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Coming from my years of experience of trying to R.
Let's not assume that the WS is being honest about wanting to R. 
Mine lied for years. The cheater, IMO, is always coming from a place of lesser virtue, thus I tend now to lean toward D. 
Plus I know what real meaning and honesty in a relationship is now.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> True. But a violent spouse has already "cheated" their spouse out of a good marriage.
> 
> It's wrong for a rich person to steal £1,000,000. It's also wrong for a starving person to steal a sandwich.
> 
> But then we get into the area of mitigating circumstances.


 Well if we are suspending the moral code, the abused spouse has just as much right to murder the abuser as cheat on them and it makes just as much sense if not more with the exception that it is illegal. Which begets the question "If adultery was illegal and prosecuted as so would it still be as rampant"? It's a slippery slope when you start justifying **** behavior.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> Sorry if it sounded like that , i wasn't trying to belittle anyone . it really bothers me when they stand there at take it . just trying to get them to wake up . i know oh to well what cheaters will do . my ex even tried to take my two young kids to a drunken party with drugs going around at the party . i just want people to wake up and not be fooled by these cheaters . i hate to see the good people getting hurt time and time again . man up or in some cases woman up .
> 
> If i afended any one i am sorry for that .


There is one person in this world you can control. That is you.

If you are this wound up over what other people do with their lives, that is something for YOU to work on, quite honestly.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People cheat for lots of reasons. People forgive, or don't forgive cheaters for lots of reasons.

There can be family and children issues that make leaving impractical or undesirable. The relationship can be the sort where both have cheated on and off, and its to some level "expected". The BS may not really care that much that their partner cheated. There may be major sexual problems in the marriage, but they can't bring themselves to officially "open" the relationship.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> A violent and abusive spouse keeps the love of their life (yeah! Right! the love of their life! ) in fear and though the abused spouse stays with them out of a combination of love and fear, they meet with someone who treats them well, speaks to them kindly and doesn't physically and mentally abuse them like their spouse does.
> 
> Now, I can see how the abused spouse might start having an affair with such a person. Who will probably see themselves as a Knight or a Knightess in Shining Armour.
> 
> ...


Two issues:
1) Still not a valid reason to cheat - better off making a run for your life. Which I understand, being the armchair quarterback, is much more difficult than me stating this thought.
2) If you act normal and get the snot beat out of you (physically of verbally) when the abuser is in a good mood, why would you risk their wrath and put them into a rage by having an affair? Isn't this like playing Russian roulette with 5 of the 6 chambers filled?




MattMatt said:


> Unless you just made that "statistic" up?>


Statistically speaking, you are correct


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @EleGirl,
> Can you name for me one offense by a BS that warrants them being cheated on? This looks alot like victim blaming to me.
> No matter how bad the BS is the wayward has the option to leave and divorce before they get ****ed.


It's not.

There is zero excuse for cheating. Ever. That is like saying you stole 10 dollars from me, so I can steal your car.

That said, would you say advising your teenage daughter not to take a ride with a stranger and not to lose sight of her drink cup at a party to be victim blaming? What about advising her not to go to the bedroom or apartment of someone she didn't know? Is that victim blaming, since there is NO justification for assault?

No....if she is assaulted, it is 100% the perp's fault, and he should rot in jail. BUT...it is a good idea to be smart.

No spouse can cause another spouse to cheat. But yes, we can make our spouses more vulnerable to temptation when we neglect or abuse them.

Yeah...we can.

But cheating is still 100% their crappy fault.

This isn't that hard to understand. I don't get why so many people are resistant to it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> Statistics are not always right because men are more likely to tell you they cheated where women are most likely to lie about it



I'd love to see those peer-review sources...and not from Reddit or 4chan


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

niceguy47460 said:


> Sorry if it sounded like that , i wasn't trying to belittle anyone . it really bothers me when they stand there at take it . just trying to get them to wake up . i know oh to well what cheaters will do . my ex even tried to take my two young kids to a drunken party with drugs going around at the party . i just want people to wake up and not be fooled by these cheaters . i hate to see the good people getting hurt time and time again . man up or in some cases woman up .
> 
> If i afended any one i am sorry for that .


It seems that some participating in this forum, not just you but others too, whom have experienced a cheating spouse in their own relationship show disdain and a total lack of respect for someone else in a similar situation that doesn't follow their advice to the letter. I don't think it's healthy for this forum or those looking for advice. It's like you take it as a personal affront when someone doesn't take your personal advice. Why can't you folks simply give your advice and leave it at that, letting those seeking advice decide their own path without being called names or characterized negatively. It's no skin off your back if someone makes the wrong decision for their situation. The last thing I would do is take the advice of someone who told me I was a fool for not taking their advice.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Big toe

I don't care if they take my advice or not . i just want to see the BS stand up for them self and not let the WS run all over them .


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> Big toe
> 
> I don't care if they take my advice or not . i just want to see the BS stand up for them self and not let the WS run all over them .


Actually you do care. You can't stand it, it makes you mad, and you want to shake them.....your words

So what is it really about, because most people don't get that upset over a stranger's decisions.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I care about people in general and i know how stress and stuff like that can make you sick


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

And we all care about other people even if think you don't or all of us wouldn't be on here trying to help people with cheating spouses .


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

niceguy47460 said:


> Big toe
> 
> I don't care if they take my advice or not . i just want to see the BS stand up for them self and not let the WS run all over them .


But this is a gross generalization. There's no rational basis to assume that every spouse is going to get "run over" by their wayward spouse. And those that do should not be castigated for making that mistake or bad decision. It is theirs to make. There are way too many parameters in any event to take a black/white approach and we only ever hear one side of the story.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The framing of the guys not standing up for themselves, and being a wimp when their wife is cheating, is not a fully accurate characterization -- and it is a negative, IMHO, description of many situations.

Walk a mile in someone's shoes...


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Sure sometimes very good people are cheated on.
> But often times, the BS has done a lot to damage their marriage.


A BS is not responsible for the WS cheating!
A cheater has ALL 100% of the blame for the cheating.
The BS has only 50% of the blame for everything else in the marriage.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> I care about people in general and i know how stress and stuff like that can make you sick


The 11th commandment: Look after yourself and do not care about others.
(Only weak and elderly/young people is the exception.)


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Coming from my own experience, the stages of grief mess us BS a ton when we get hit with the truth that our loyal, loving, and honest spouse is not that anymore. Disbelief cripples our judgedment along with pain, depression, dispair and sadly upfront and center: Rejection! 

Thank God for anger because when it comes, WS's watch out! No more Mr. or Mrs. Nice guy\gal. Please remember that by the time the speech is given the WS has long detached from the BS. They have a huge advantage over their BS. 

Everyone's journey is neither right nor wrong, it is what they could do at the time the **** hit the fan. Time will help with the pain and clearing of what has been done. Most BS are the ones that begin divorce proceedings because they realize, eventually, that cheating is ****ty and they deserve better. This may take some more time from some than others, but most of the time; life gets better once they have a grip on the ugly truth without the gutwrenching emotional rollercoaster of DDay.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Most but not all spouse play apart in the other cheating. Excepts maybe being stupid and naive.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Well if we are suspending the moral code, the abused spouse has just as much right to murder the abuser as cheat on them and it makes just as much sense if not more with the exception that it is illegal. Which begets the question "If adultery was illegal and prosecuted as so would it still be as rampant"? It's a slippery slope when you start justifying **** behavior.


There have been a number of cases where an abused spouse has killed their abuser and mitigating circumstances came into play and they were found guilty of manslaughter rather than murder.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

niceguy47460 said:


> And we all care about other people even if think you don't or all of us wouldn't be on here trying to help people with cheating spouses .


I care. That is not the same thing as getting angry when they don't do what* I *think they should do.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NorseViking said:


> A BS is not responsible for the WS cheating!
> A cheater has ALL 100% of the blame for the cheating.
> The BS has only 50% of the blame for everything else in the marriage.


She never said that. Reading comprehension without projection and emotion is important.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> There have been a number of cases where an abused spouse has killed their abuser and mitigating circumstances came into play and they were found guilty of manslaughter rather than murder.


 Exactly. If it was justified there would be NO charges at all and it would be thrown out.


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## Tell me more lies (Oct 10, 2018)

After having had the misfortune of going through 2 relationships where I am the BS, I see where I was the doormat, the pick-me-dancer, and the total emotional wreck both times.

First time around the horse**** from me lasted several months, about 6 months if I remember correctly (it was over 20 years ago, so I may have the timeline wrong).

The latest episode, my pitiful crap lasted less than one day. 


Older, wiser, and more experience dealing with infidelity the second time around.


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

I have noticed a trend where people try to characterize those who stay with WW spouses as weak. My wife is a serial cheater... she does it out of insecurity and finds weak men who are also insecure. I am staying with my WW because her opinion of me does not matter to me. When it did it caused me to lower myself to the level of the guys she cheats with, usually married men. I personally benefit from staying... that does not mean I am a doormat. One day it may be advantageous for me to leave but its not now... I have someone to do my laundry, she is a good cook, and we have fun as a family... marriage is supposed to be about compromises. Finding out about her affairs was a blessing... I put myself first now and I have no desire to leave the marriage to find someone that deserves more from me than I am currently obligated to give her.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Aaronk78 said:


> I have noticed a trend where people try to characterize those who stay with WW spouses as weak. My wife is a serial cheater... she does it out of insecurity and finds weak men who are also insecure. I am staying with my WW because her opinion of me does not matter to me. When it did it caused me to lower myself to the level of the guys she cheats with, usually married men. I personally benefit from staying... that does not mean I am a doormat. One day it may be advantageous for me to leave but its not now... I have someone to do my laundry, she is a good cook, and we have fun as a family... marriage is supposed to be about compromises. Finding out about her affairs was a blessing... I put myself first now and I have no desire to leave the marriage to find someone that deserves more from me than I am currently obligated to give her.


I'm looking for the words ....I can't find them. 

Good luck with that.....


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I'm looking for the words ....I can't find them.
> 
> Good luck with that.....


Let me help you find the word....."CHUMP".
That was me 1 1/2 year ago.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Aaronk78 said:


> I have noticed a trend where people try to characterize those who stay with WW spouses as weak. *My wife is a serial cheater*... she does it out of insecurity and* finds weak men who are also insecure*. I am staying with my WW because her opinion of me does not matter to me. When it did it caused me to lower myself to the level of the guys she cheats with, usually married men. I personally benefit from staying... *that does not mean I am a doormat*. One day it may be advantageous for me to leave but its not now... I have someone to do my laundry, she is a good cook, and we have fun as a family... *marriage is supposed to be about compromises*. Finding out about her affairs was a blessing... *I put myself first now* and I have no desire to leave the marriage to find someone that deserves more from me than I am currently obligated to give her.


I all my years here, this is about the most pathetic post I have ever read. 
Sorry bro, but DAM!


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Bah, what is it with all the back n forth...BS and WS will do as they do, no matter how much we debate here. We will never know to what extent things go between BS and WS...because simply you will not hear or ever know about the large majority of it.
But I agree BS should not put up with emotional abuse period.
I am in R for 5+ years, things are going good. I dont believe in the doormat crap for going R path, I am much more successful than W and have had way more a fulfilling life and career then her, what helped me the most was to not make marriage the biggest thing in my life...if it works fine, if it doesnt fk it, not the end of the world, I have tons of other things to enjoy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Aaronk78 said:


> I have noticed a trend where people try to characterize those who stay with WW spouses as weak. My wife is a serial cheater... she does it out of insecurity and finds weak men who are also insecure. I am staying with my WW because her opinion of me does not matter to me. When it did it caused me to lower myself to the level of the guys she cheats with, usually married men. I personally benefit from staying... that does not mean I am a doormat. One day it may be advantageous for me to leave but its not now... I have someone to do my laundry, she is a good cook, and we have fun as a family... marriage is supposed to be about compromises. Finding out about her affairs was a blessing... I put myself first now and I have no desire to leave the marriage to find someone that deserves more from me than I am currently obligated to give her.


What a crock.

You can hire a damned housekeeper who'll do your laundry and leave you a casserole in the oven.

This guy is *exactly* the type I talk about all the time when I say most men will stay in a ****ty marriage and cling to it like grim death because they don't know how to live on their own and need their mommy to take care of them.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > OK....
> ...


Only one I can think of is if the BS cheated first. But even then its usually done in revenge right after Dday so they are hardly a BS. I'm not even sure thats considered cheating technically since the marriage has already been opened. But regardless, I almost think you owe it to yourself to test the market before you decide on reconciliation. If nothing else, it restores some balance in the marriage. I've heard some men say that was the only way they could have considered reconciling.

Anyone that takes cheating laying down and immediately opts for reconciliation are the chumps. But I mainly agree with OP, after adultery there isnt much to save except the ashes.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Reconciliation is pointless because bad habits die hard and many cheaters just lay low until they think you aren't watching to start the game up again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StillSearching said:


> I all my years here, this is about the most pathetic post I have ever read.
> Sorry bro, but DAM!


Not so fast. 

Sometimes there's method behind the madness and the BS isnt always a sweet and innocent victim that bakes cookies for the nursing home after bible study. 

Some times the BS doesn't really care all that much and as long as they have a Spouse Applience that cooks and cleans, keeps the kids out of their hair, brings home the paycheck and gives them a place to park their boner now and then, they are ok with it and don't really care what the WS does on their own time. 

It probably happens more than we think.

The BS's that come relationship forums are devastated and are crying out for help and cling on to anything to ease the pain.

BS's that really don't care and just want their Wife/Husband Applience to perform tasks for them, can be ok with whatever the WS does as long as they are getting theirs. 

Sometimes staying with the WS even becomes an act of vengeance and they'd polite their sense of guilt and keep them around so that they can use them and exploit them for their own benefit.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I'm looking for the words ....I can't find them.
> 
> Good luck with that.....


i think the word you are looking for is Cuckold...some men accept it and live with it. thank god i'm not one of them.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Not so fast.
> 
> Sometimes there's method behind the* madness* and the BS isnt always a sweet and innocent victim that bakes cookies for the nursing home after bible study.
> 
> ...


I don't care often it happens, it's not a life.
It's not what it means to be alive.
I guess he's waiting and praying for reincarnation to live one. 
Just saying.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You sound like me. Ex fiancé cheated on me as did the ex girlfriend after her. Yes, they lie like pros and use you as a safety net. You get stuck with all the mundane stuff in a relationship, plus the bills, while her lover is only with her for the fun and games part of a relationship. I could be lots of fun too if we just got together for sex and going out for dinner and drinks. Instead I had to deal with money issues and all the other things that go into a relationship that have nothing to do with sex or fun. Many decades ago I dated a few married women. What they all had in common were husbands who rather turn a blind eye than face the prospect of divorce or husbands who foolishly knew for certain that they were somehow free from being cheated on. 

It took me three tries but I finally found a great wife who has been by my side for 46 years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

niceguy47460 said:


> I have been reading alot of post from here and other site's .
> 
> I have noticed a pattern in the men nowadays . it seems like most of then kiss the cheaters a** . why because they love them and think they can't live without them . or because of the kids .


Sorry I am a little late to the party. You have it backwards. The real pattern is this. Men who kiss cheaters ass wind up with cheating wives. Or to put it more succinctly. Passive men get cheated on. 

Codependency and Cheating go hand and hand. It's a symbiotic relationship.

It just so happens to be, that the many men who are in these relationships know there is something wrong but don't know how to fix it. So they end up posting on these sites.

Not every man who gets cheated on is passive, but most of them probably just divorce, because duh! They are not going to spend the time posting on message boards about it because they don't have any misgivings, they just divorce.

The rest of your post is correct though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rv10flyer said:


> I used to be a WH, then a BH. I know what it feels like on both sides. I find it very interesting that there are so many perfect and faithful BH out there in the world, when statistics say otherwise. R is not easy, but it can be accomplished. We each have to do what is right for us. If it does not work out, you can at least say you did your best.


Cheating is never a legitimate answer to marriage problems. Kind of like violence is never the answer. There really is nothing left to say about that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Let me help you find the word....."CHUMP".
> That was me 1 1/2 year ago.


You are our finest achievement. Now I know how grandparents feel when their kids instruct there grand kids.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Full disclosure I was a serial wayward, and yes some of my APs were married....so my opinion probably doesn't mean much here and maybe it shouldn't. But....in my opinion the advice given on this forum isn't that great even though folks pat themselves on the back about it. I really can't objectively call it advice. Its more of a very strict script, with limited flexibility. When a BS tries to question it they are often treated with hostility. Then when they leave people call them "weak", and talk about the person sometimes for days after they have gone. I don't think most of them leave because they are weak and have no back bone. I think they leave because they see the same thing I see. A mob mentality with one size fits all advice. I do think people mean well, for what its worth.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Full disclosure I was a serial wayward, and yes some of my APs were married....so my opinion probably doesn't mean much here and maybe it shouldn't. But....in my opinion the advice given on this forum isn't that great even though folks pat themselves on the back about it. I really can't objectively call it advice. Its more of a very strict script, with limited flexibility. When a BS tries to question it they are often treated with hostility. Then when they leave people call them "weak", and talk about the person sometimes for days after they have gone. I don't think most of them leave because they are weak and have no back bone. I think they leave because they see the same thing I see. A mob mentality with one size fits all advice. I do think people mean well, for what its worth.


 Let's be perfectly honest. Most of the advice on forums like this are sort of the same saying as a certain type of parent whose kid place sports. They either want their kid to do what they never did or could, or they expect their kid to do exactly as they did. Most of what is posted on forums is someone working out their own stuff by proxy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Full disclosure I was a serial wayward, and yes some of my APs were married....so my opinion probably doesn't mean much here and maybe it shouldn't. But....in my opinion the advice given on this forum isn't that great even though folks pat themselves on the back about it. I really can't objectively call it advice. Its more of a very strict script, with limited flexibility. When a BS tries to question it they are often treated with hostility. Then when they leave people call them "weak", and talk about the person sometimes for days after they have gone. I don't think most of them leave because they are weak and have no back bone. I think they leave because they see the same thing I see. A mob mentality with one size fits all advice. I do think people mean well, for what its worth.


As an impartial observer, what advice would you have given your wife?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Full disclosure I was a serial wayward, and yes some of my APs were married....so my opinion probably doesn't mean much here and maybe it shouldn't. But....in my opinion the advice given on this forum isn't that great even though folks pat themselves on the back about it. I really can't objectively call it advice. Its more of a very strict script, with limited flexibility. When a BS tries to question it they are often treated with hostility. Then when they leave people call them "weak", and talk about the person sometimes for days after they have gone. I don't think most of them leave because they are weak and have no back bone. I think they leave because they see the same thing I see. A mob mentality with one size fits all advice. I do think people mean well, for what its worth.


So just to kind of explore this notion a little... Would your wife have been better off if she divorced you when (if) she first found out, rather than the pain that at some point she went through? 

How do you think she felt, or did she know. And if she stayed, how do you know she is really happy that she did? 

Do you think that she wishes she had had the strength to leave you. 

Since you post on a lot of different issues, I cant really find your whole story. 

And what you describe as a mob mentality is what some people describe as collective wisdom. 

I have been both in my life, and for a period of time I was a POS. You see the difference is that I know what I was and I changed. 

So you see things your way and others see things their way...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

@rv10flyer
Reconciliation is easy. I did that 4 times.
Divorce takes work, it's much harder.
I've done both.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> So just to kind of explore this notion a little... Would your wife have been better off if she divorced you when (if) she first found out, rather than the pain that at some point she went through?
> 
> How do you think she felt, or did she know. And if she stayed, how do you know she is really happy that she did?
> 
> ...


We aren't together anymore, with that said I don't really think the construct of our relationship really is applicable to the TAM CWI model. We are still very much good friends, although not intimate. She certainly has no reason to talk to me if she didn't want to. We still do things like Spring Break trips, and holiday dinners together. We both date but we really don't talk about that part of our lives with one another. I live in the next neighborhood over about five minutes away. I can only assume if she was bothered by my presence she wouldn't want me around.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> As an impartial observer, what advice would you have given your wife?


Hmmm...I really don't know. I can say that she did receive advice similar to the advice given out here. But....I think I know where you are going with this. If it was my daughter I would tell her to dump the chump. That's my honest answer.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> We aren't together anymore, with that said I don't really think the construct of our relationship really is applicable to the TAM CWI model. We are still very much good friends, although not intimate. She certainly has no reason to talk to me if she didn't want to*. We still do things like Spring Break trips, and holiday dinners together. We both date but we really don't talk about that part of our lives with one another. I live in the next neighborhood over about five minutes away. I can only assume if she was bothered by my presence she wouldn't want me around.*




Are you sure that you are actually divorced? I gotta tell ya - if I were unfortunate enough to date a guy that does that stuff with the ex, I would leave skid marks on his front porch (feet don't fail me, now).


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> [/B]
> 
> Are you sure that you are actually divorced? I gotta tell ya - if I were unfortunate enough to date a guy that does that stuff with the ex, I would leave skid marks on his front porch (feet don't fail me, now).


I don't want to make this thread about my personal life, but our belief is that just because our marriage ended it doesn't mean we are no longer family. I have had two serious relationships since then, the first girlfriend felt very much like you did, she said she was okay with it, but her actions said otherwise. Ultimately the situation didn't work for her because she wanted to get remarried. So it didn't work. It was for the best though, turns out she was cheating on me anyway. In retrospect it was probably because she never felt I was truly hers. But I was. My second serious relationship was very different. She actually loved the fact that I had so much respect for the mother of my kids, she saw it as a positive indicator of how I would treat her. She often commented that she wished her ex husband was as good to her. I guess it depends on ones perspective.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Well,i found out that my wife cheated. I had one conversation with her and I never spoke with her again. And Im happy.


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