# Unrequited love sucks



## *Betty*

I posted in the other forum about sex in marriage, the title of the thread was "Lack of Sex". After reading all the advice and answering a few questions, I realized I had to sit down and have a talk with my husband about what was going on with him. No sex for four months was just too much. 

Long story short: He doesn't love me and I am crushed.

During our talk he told me that when we got married he felt like he could be happy with me because I am such a good, dedicated woman and I love him. But he said he never felt the butterflies in his stomach or that spark. Apparently some e-mail from an ex (which he didn't read, just deleted) started the whole thing. Seeing her name gave him that excited feeling that I can't seem to give him. She gave him 6 months of her life then cheated on him. I give him 8 years of loving devotion. She is the one who gives him the spark? What is that?

I've never been heartbroken before, but I think I am now. I can't seem to stop crying or holding his pillow (he is at a hotel, at my request, for the time being). Unrequited love sucks. I haven't really slept, I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to wake up.

*Update on page two*


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## Trenton

*Betty* said:


> I posted in the other forum about sex in marriage, the title of the thread was "Lack of Sex". After reading all the advice and answering a few questions, I realized I had to sit down and have a talk with my husband about what was going on with him. No sex for four months was just too much.
> 
> Long story short: He doesn't love me and I am crushed.
> 
> During our talk he told me that when we got married he felt like he could be happy with me because I am such a good, dedicated woman and I love him. But he said he never felt the butterflies in his stomach or that spark. Apparently some e-mail from an ex (which he didn't read, just deleted) started the whole thing. Seeing her name gave him that excited feeling that I can't seem to give him. She gave him 6 months of her life then cheated on him. I give him 8 years of loving devotion. She is the one who gives him the spark? What is that?
> 
> I've never been heartbroken before, but I think I am now. I can't seem to stop crying or holding his pillow (he is at a hotel, at my request, for the time being). Unrequited love sucks. I haven't really slept, I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to wake up.


Three words and an exclamation: YOU DESERVE BETTER!

I know you are in pain right now but the truth is, somewhere there is a man who will feel butterflies. Work on yourself, muster enough courage to tell your husband that's not good enough and when you are whole again find the man that is waiting to feel the butterflies you give him.


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## DawnD

I am having a seriously hard time believing that you never gave him butterflies. Are you sure he isn't in contact with this EX???


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## MisguidedMiscreant

Unrequited love does suck a *BIG ONE*, trust me. He's probably cheating on you, it all started with that email that he didn't read...as far as you know. Do you know all of the manners that they would contact each other? Whatever you do, see it through. Head up, eyes forward. If you've done your part as a wife, you've nothing to feel bad for or regret.


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## credamdóchasgra

I agree with dawnd...I read your other posts, and you used to have a sex life.
Good that you sent him to a hotel, for your own sanity...
You may need some time and space from each other, but there might be more going on, and it might not be the end.
I'm sorry you're going through this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin

I know you can't understand how you could be so good to him and she could be so awful, and he feels something for her that he claims he never felt for you. But, the thing is, the heart and love are very odd. We can't force ourselves to love someone just because they're so wonderful, and we can't make ourselves stop loving someone just because they treated us badly. Just like you still love him right now, even though he told you all this. 

If he doesn't love you, I'm really not sure there's much you can do to try to salvage this. And the bigger question is, do you want to? Do you want to try to repair a marriage in which you've been told the love is only one-sided? Could you ever really believe him again if he told you he did love you? 

I think you could find someone who would love you, who would feel that spark and those butterflies (let's just hope the spark doesn't electrocute the butterflies ). And you deserve that. There is nothing wrong with you. Really, there's nothing wrong with him either. He may have made a mistake in hiding his feelings from you and perhaps marrying you when he shouldn't have, but you wouldn't have stayed with him this long if he was a bad guy. 

I think you need to take some time to figure out what you want. Figure out if you want to be married to him or not. Figure out what terms and conditions you're willing to continue your marriage to him under. If he can't or won't meet them, then love and respect yourself enough to know that somewhere out there is a man who will love you and treat you the way you expect to be treated, and go find him. 

It hurts right now, and that's ok. Eventually, the pain will go away, and regardless of what happens, this will make your life better somehow. No one can say how right now, but it will.


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## *Betty*

Thank you for your kind words.

Isn't it sad. I read that I "deserve better", but I don't want better. I want him. To me, there is no better to be had. He was, and is, the one. If he came back right this second, said he made a mistake, and he wanted to work on it with me - I would take him back in a heartbeat. How pathetic am I.

He won't, though, come back I mean, I told him to give me some space. He packed a bag large enough to sustain him for a week before he will need to have it dry-cleaned. He has only been gone 2 days. Feels like forever. 

While he may not love me the way I love him, I know him, and I know he respects me and cares for me. He wouldn't have an affair, he would consider it rude to me, and beneath him.

I called my mother looking for a shoulder to cry on. She told me I am being over dramatic, that this is just a rough patch and that he will come to his senses. Then she told me not to call her about it again. I tried talking to one of my best friends and her advice was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. I really don't feel like it, honestly. 

Being alone when I am feeling like this sucks. I'm looking at our wedding pictures and I see his face and I wonder how he can look so happy (and he really does look happy), but not love me. I meant it when I said my wedding vows. I meant every word about loving him and cherishing him forever. I am so pathetic.


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## credamdóchasgra

*Betty* said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> Isn't it sad. I read that I "deserve better", but I don't want better. I want him. To me, there is no better to be had. He was, and is, the one. If he came back right this second, said he made a mistake, and he wanted to work on it with me - I would take him back in a heartbeat. How pathetic am I.
> 
> He won't, though, come back I mean, I told him to give me some space. He packed a bag large enough to sustain him for a week before he will need to have it dry-cleaned. He has only been gone 2 days. Feels like forever.
> 
> While he may not love me the way I love him, I know him, and I know he respects me and cares for me. He wouldn't have an affair, he would consider it rude to me, and beneath him.
> 
> I called my mother looking for a shoulder to cry on. She told me I am being over dramatic, that this is just a rough patch and that he will come to his senses. Then she told me not to call her about it again. I tried talking to one of my best friends and her advice was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. I really don't feel like it, honestly.
> 
> Being alone when I am feeling like this sucks. I'm looking at our wedding pictures and I see his face and I wonder how he can look so happy (and he really does look happy), but not love me. I meant it when I said my wedding vows. I meant every word about loving him and cherishing him forever. I am so pathetic.


I do NOT think you are pathetic for wanting to take him back if he came back, or for hoping he will.

Other people may disagree with me on this, but...

I think your mom may be right. I think it sucks that she told you not to come to her for support, and I feel for you that you can't lean on her. 
BUT this MAY just be a "rough patch."
A lot of people here have overcome infidelity and other problems in their marriages. 

That said, obviously HE is the one who would have to return to you and love you with his whole heart.

Whether he does or not, you are handling it the best possible way for your own sanity and peace of mind---telling HIM to leave you alone for awhile instead of chasing him and clinging to him.
And it may be what he needs to come back to you---over time, in his own time, and there is no guarantee of that.

I guess my point is: yes, you deserve better than to be told you are not loved. And yes, he has to want you enough to work on things with you and be with you. But if you accept what he's saying, tell him to leave you alone for awhile, and put yourself first--take care of yourself, build up your inner strength and confidence--it may not be over.

(and your friend's advice to go get laid is the pathetic part. Sorry. Go out with friends, have fun, put yourself first, but drunken sex isn't going to solve anything in you or in your marriage.)

This sounds a little like some of the "nice guy" threads in the Men's clubhouse, in reverse: wife announces she loves him but isn't in love with him, has an EA with someone else, and eventually the only thing that brings her back is if the H shows her that he is willing to risk their marriage if that doesn't change.


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## *Betty*

You know when you start crying while you are exercising you are totally out of it. I feel like I'm losing my mind :scratchhead:


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## moonangel

You should seek counseling. Both of you. 

If there was enough spark there for him to marry you, then I'm sure the spark is still there. Maybe your marriage became mundane and the excitement of something/someone else got his interest. 

You both really should work on it before letting it go. And, YOU need to find out why you can't seem to let go. Sometimes even those we love, we still learn to let them go and be okay. You are struggling way too much with it.


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## Suckerpunched

Betty,
I just wanted to tell you that I basically got told the same thing three weeks ago. I had never had my heartbroken before either. You aren't alone! Just keep coming here....and take it one day at a time!


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## sailorgirl

(((Hugs))) Sorry you are going through this. I have known for years that my feelings were much stronger than my husbands. I also suffer with the lack of sex, lack of emotional or physical intimacy. The last time we talked about sex and intimacy and such my husband pretty much said that he loved me, but he could live without me as well since in his own words, "I don't have emotional needs and do not need anyone." 

Anyways, you're not alone. And I hope you can one day find peace and happiness.


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## credamdóchasgra

moonangel said:


> And, YOU need to find out why you can't seem to let go. Sometimes even those we love, we still learn to let them go and be okay. You are struggling way too much with it.


are you SERIOUS?!?

The OP has been with him 8 years, the past 4 months sucked, and he drops this bomb.
It's been what, 2 days since he said this to her?
Her reaction is completely normal. 
What exactly should she be doing within 2 days of this bomb she didn't see coming from the man she loves? Planning another wedding?
How exactly would YOU be handling this 2 days after hearing such news from your husband? Good God.
Judge not...

Betty, I still think what I said above. Hang in there, you're doing great, and the stronger you are now, the better your future will be, regardless of what your husband decides.
It may not be over, but you can't control what he decides.
He knows you love him, and the hope is that he truly loves you too.
If in the end he doesn't...your life will go on, and someone else out there will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra

*Betty* said:


> You know when you start crying while you are exercising you are totally out of it. I feel like I'm losing my mind :scratchhead:


it's ok. GOOD for you for exercising!!!
That is good for you, it shows you do have strength and this isnt stopping you, and it will not destroy you no matter how much it hurts right now.
Honestly---you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You're not begging, pleading, chasing, clinging, or negotiating.
You're giving him space, yourself space, and you're respecting yourself.

If he cannot see the good and tremendous and beautiful person that you clearly ARE, then he is blind.

Right now, he IS blind.
But it doesn't sound like you are.
You're doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure

Sorry Betty. I think I would be somewhat angry at him. 8 years and he springs that on you. Grrrr. You think you could get more emotional support from mom, and friend. That's a double whammy.

Maybe he is missing the passion he once felt. He may think passion equals love. Some people are in love with being in love. When that feeling is gone they think love is lost. 

I wish you the best.


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## *Betty*

Moonangel,

8 years together, 6 of which were married. That is 2190 nights of cuddling him as I fell asleep. Three days ago that came to an end and he is staying at a hotel. 

People mourn for the loss of a pet longer than 3 days, and to be quite blunt I think I am entitled to feel a great loss, because that is exactly what this is for me. I can't just flip off how I feel like a light switch because it is inconvenient or unpleasant. 

As to the counselling, I don't know where we stand right now. That would require talking to him, and right now I am trying to focus on keeping my sanity and holding my life together, I can't add him to this mess at the moment.


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## *Betty*

Suckerpunched,

How are you dealing with it? Are you two still together? I'm sorry you are feeling this. It's genuinely miserable  (I am real sure that helps, sorry, I am not good with pep talks when I am like this).


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## *Betty*

Sailorgirl, 

I can't imagine someone who doesn't have emotional needs, probably because I am so darned emotionally needy (especially right now!). But jeeze. Are you two in counselling or planning on it? Perhaps he should see a counsellor by himself, I don't think a lack of emotional needs or connection with other people is healthy.


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## *Betty*

Thank you for the defending, that was sweet. 

I never knew a weekend could last such a long time. I mean it feels a lot longer than it actually has been. I looked in the mirror this morning and I look the same, but I definitely don't feel the same. 

It is hard to keep a mask on in front of people we both know. I ran into our neighbour (from across the street) at the grocery yesterday and I lied to her. I actually told her that my husband is out of town on a business trip. She did that motherly thing (I am the same age as her youngest) of putting her hand on my arm, "aww, you miss him, don't worry, it isn't forever". It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I am really kicking myself for lying. I was just so embarrassed and it is so personal.


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## *Betty*

4Sure,

I am angry at the fact that he went through with the wedding when he didn't feel the way he should have. I made sure of how I felt before I went through with my vows. I just keep thinking about that moment during the ceremony where they ask, "If any one has any reason why these two should not be wed" and wonder why he didn't just bail? He was given ample opportunity to talk to me all through our two years together before we got married. I keep wondering if it was just pity that kept him with me, he felt bad that he didn't love me so he tried to make himself, or something. I want to ask him but I just can't talk to him right now.

Sad thing is for me the in love feeling never left. Sure, it dwindled, but every so often I would just look at him and feel warm and lucky. It isn't the excitement of a first kiss or a crush, but I think I would go so far as to call it a spark. 

I can't really be mad at him. I can't help how I feel. So why should he be able to help how he feels, you know? I just wish he had told me before I had invested my whole heart. We were good friends before we got together and I am not the one who initiated anything more than that. I had a crush, sure, but if he had just told me earlier on...it's easier to get over a crush on someone, even a friend, if you know it isn't something you both feel, especially if he hasn't been telling you he feels the same for years and marries you. I guess I am angry. But I am much more sad.


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## sailorgirl

*Betty* said:


> Sailorgirl,
> 
> I can't imagine someone who doesn't have emotional needs, probably because I am so darned emotionally needy (especially right now!). But jeeze. Are you two in counselling or planning on it? Perhaps he should see a counsellor by himself, I don't think a lack of emotional needs or connection with other people is healthy.


We tried counselling, but he stopped going after about 4 or 5 visits because in his words "It's not helping." The counselor gave us three pieces of advice. 1) Learn each other's love languages, 2)have sex at least twice a week (even if you have to plan it) and 3) try to go out on a date at least twice a month, though once a week would be preferable. 

1) My husband said "love languages" were silly nonsense and pretty much said it equaled to pycho-babble. 
2) Would never follow through with sex twice a week, he was too tired, his back/knee/foot/hand/or whatever hurt--always had some sort of iron-clad excuse for why we couldn't have sex.
3)Either we couldn't afford it, or he didn't have time, or whatever. Same as with the sex. Always some excuse. 

Currently I'm starting to go back to a counselor for myself. The counselor said she would eventually like to see him as well, but I doubt he would go.


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## credamdóchasgra

Regardless of what he chooses to do, individual counseling for you could be helpful right now. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to nearby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suckerpunched

*Betty* said:


> Suckerpunched,
> 
> How are you dealing with it? Are you two still together? I'm sorry you are feeling this. It's genuinely miserable  (I am real sure that helps, sorry, I am not good with pep talks when I am like this).


Some days I deal with it better than others. 

He is still here (we have kids) and have decided to maintain some normalcy until we can figure this all the way out.

It just really, really, sucks. Sometimes it is SO hard to have him here. I love him. Always have. And he is SO close, but I can't just reach out. Yep, it sucks.

On my good days, I realize that I have a life, fabulous kids, and things to take care of. And you know what? I have all of those things with or without him. 

On my bad days, I am only moderately functional. 
Sure, I manage to get out of bed, but I struggle to concentrate on anything.

We are both seeing counselors (separately now). He just says that there is no feeling anymore. I'm heartbroken.
And, I just don't want to tell anyone about it either..... I know I probably should...but for now....I just can't.


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## *Betty*

Update: Husband is initiating contact and I am uncertain what to do. Tomorrow would mark one week of my life without him being here.

He made contact through e-mail this morning. It was just a short note saying that he wants to call me, but if I don't want him to call he won't, he just needs a reply to the mail telling him whether or not I am ready to talk to him. He didn't want to make me feel akward (I think that was unavoidable) by calling out of the blue and having me hang up on him.

Before now he hasn't attempted to make contact at all, and has given me space and time to think. 

I don't know if I want him to call. I know I am over-analyzing this like crazy. Would you let him call?


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## Suckerpunched

If it were me, I'd let him call. Surely there are some things that need to be discussed or brought out in the open.

The not-knowing would kill me. I say let him call. Get some clarity.


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## credamdóchasgra

*Betty* said:


> Update: Husband is initiating contact and I am uncertain what to do. Tomorrow would mark one week of my life without him being here.
> 
> He made contact through e-mail this morning. It was just a short note saying that he wants to call me, but if I don't want him to call he won't, he just needs a reply to the mail telling him whether or not I am ready to talk to him. He didn't want to make me feel akward (I think that was unavoidable) by calling out of the blue and having me hang up on him.
> 
> Before now he hasn't attempted to make contact at all, and has given me space and time to think.
> 
> I don't know if I want him to call. I know I am over-analyzing this like crazy. Would you let him call?


yes. 
He hurt you but you love him. 
I'd want to know what he has to say.

And by the way...I'm willing to bet that if you had fought him, begged, pleaded, cried, and clung, he may not be initiating contact.
You handled the very painful situation in a very respectable way, and he's treating you with the respect that you commanded.

Keep us posted if you do talk to him...I wish you the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Betty*

Update (again) 

We talked on the phone last night. It started slow, small talk about work and the dog and eventually leads to this uncomfortable silence. At first I thought my phone might have died, battery was okay, so I said “hello?” a few times, seeing if there was a reply. None. I was about to hang up and just write it off as a bad connection when he started talking again.

He said this week opened up his eyes to a lot of things that he has been taking for granted. He sounded like he was reading off a list and it started small: always remembering where he left his glasses & reminding him to take his allergy pill and got larger as he went on: having someone he can trust to talk to when he needs to, and cuddle on the couch.

It felt nice to get some validation, to know he is finally seeing the things I was doing for him all this time, even the small stuff. I told him I appreciated that, and I do, but the truth is it didn’t (and still doesn’t) put me at ease with us. I am not sure if he just misses having a super good room mate who likes to cuddle, or if it means something more. I asked, but he didn’t want to talk anymore, like that list was just his goal for the call and then he had to go because he had an early meeting. 

The call left me with questions and feeling confused.

This morning I got back from my walk in the park to find flowers waiting for me, and a note. 

The note is pretty vague. It just says he wants to get together for dinner and talk. It isn’t signed with xoxo or anything like that, and he wrote it himself (horrible penmanship). 

The flowers are my favourites – yellow roses. _But_ yellow roses also mean *friendship*. So does this mean he got me my favourite flowers not knowing what they mean, or does he just want to be friends? 

The place he picked is where we had our first date. Which normally I would take as a good sign, but we have also had multiple work-related-impress-the-client dinners there. So he might just be inviting me out to a client dinner again, it wouldn’t be the first time he didn’t tell me we were having a business dinner. But then I wonder how would we talk if the client was there?

So is this the “make up and get back together” dinner, a business dinner, or is this the “break it off for good” dinner? I am not able to control my emotions to the point I won’t cry in public, much as I loathe the thought of it, and it would be embarrassing as hell. 

I think I might just call and ask if we can meet here at the house and order in. I feel like an idiot and I am stressing out way too much, it's just dinner, but it could be "THE" dinner in a good or bad way.


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## credamdóchasgra

I was wondering! Stay strong.

I understand your wariness, you are smart.

But don't let yourself be overtaken by questions and overanalysis.

I strongly doubt he is inviting you to a client dinner.
I would consider showing up, and if there are clients there, look at him like "really?" and leave--but I don't think that is going to happen.

This has no doubt been agonizing and painful for you, but it sounds like he needed space to clear his head, and he is STILL working out what HE wants in his head.
Selfish? Maybe.
Hurtful to you? Definitely.

But he is being honest, and I daresay you *both* are handling this huge bump in a more mature and mutually respectful way than you could. YOU especially. He's treating you with respect because you've set a standard for respect through your treatment of him AND of yourself.

He called you just to tell you all the things he appreciates about you.
He gave you yellow roses, probably because they are your favorite.
He wants to meet you at a familiar and special place, because he wants to talk to you.

But approach the dinner with the same level head as you have been dealing up till now. 
You clearly won't let yourself be jerked around. But at this point, I wouldn't consider what he is doing "jerking you around."
The uncertainty is VERY painful, yes. But you both have uncertainty, it sounds like. So be open to the honest conversation that you both need to have. 

Girlfriend, you really amaze me and I've never met you. Lots of women in your position would've screamed, thrashed, cried, begged, pleaded, slandered, cursed, but you didn't stoop to that level. 

You clearly know where you end and he begins--you have not owned or blamed yourself for his little crisis.
You haven't "owned his responses" by reacting with anger or neediness.

Keep that attitude, remind yourself that YOU are a prize, take a deep breath, and set the terms under which YOU will feel comfortable finding out what he has to say: whether it is at the restaurant, at home, today, or another day.

And know this--If he comes back to you, it will be in large part because of the way you're handling this. 

You clearly ARE showing him the wonderful wife and person who he should appreciate, and you're showing him that you are that person whether he does appreciate it or not.

Keep us posted!!!


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## *Betty*

So Saturday came and I went to dinner with him. Long story short? The talking went really well. We were getting along and being open and honest with each other and, while there were a few moments where it got somewhat tense, overall we were having a good time, laughing and it just felt like it used to. He walked me to the door, one thing led to another and we ended up upstairs and we made love. I am one of those people who can't seporate sex from emotion, and as far as I know he is, too. He said the one thing I needed to hear (I love you) and I just melted. 

I slept like a log, totally comfortable and happy. I wake up Sunday around 11am and he isn't there. There is no note, text message, e-mail, phone message, or anything else of that nature. Wondering what is going on? Me too! At this point I felt very insecure and unsure of myself. I called him, no answer, it is going to voicemail every time. I left a calm and cool "hey, call me" on his voicemail (it took a LOT to remain calm) and decided to take the dog out for his walk. I always do my best thinking when I am out walking. I get downstairs and around the corner and I hear someone yelling for me, he is standing in a payphone, waving his arm to ge my attention. He was locked out. 

He went to get us breakfast at the bakery nearby and belatedly realized that he didn't have keys anymore, and he turned off his phone last night when we went to dinner (his phone, which is still somewhere in my condo). Apparently he tried using the buzzer to get into the building, but it didn't wake me before he gave up. Like I said, I slept like a log. 

He wants to move back home and I don't have any objections. Though I told him I think we really need to give each other space if it's needed, and not be afraid to say it, he agrees. He said he knows we need to work on it, and he thinks we should see a counselor together and possibly see someone on our own as well. One of the main talking points we had this past few days was "in love" versus "love", the differences and what each one means. I don't think he went through the "in love" phase with me (I sure did), but I am convinced (and so is he) that his love grew over time and that he does, in fact, love me. It just took him stepping back and being away from me for him to see it clearly. 

I really hope we get it right.


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## credamdóchasgra

Honey, I'm so happy for you, I feel like crying and i want to give you a big hug! 

You sound like you are wary that things are going to continue down the right path, I don't blame you.

He says you should see a counselor together, that's great; he needs to make good on that promise, because it'll be good for you both.

It is great that you are talking honestly with each other about these things instead of letting them fester or trying to deny the feelings.


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## Draguna

I'm a sucker for happy endings. Ok, you're not there yet but any succes story warms my heart. Hope this ends well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Betty*

Thank you for listening to me through my crazy bad and my happy stupid stages. 

Right now working on "us" has been put on hold for a while. My hubby's father is quite ill and we are just kind of in a holding pattern waiting to see what happens. 

I am going to make sure that we don't take any steps back though!


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## credamdóchasgra

I'm sorry about your father-in-law.
This is going to be a tough time for you to draw close to each other, but it is also important to keep the passion and intimacy strong between you.
So while counseling will be postponed, you can still both make the effort to keep your emotional and sexual attachment to each other strong, no matter what else is happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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