# TRUST: Can it really ever come back?



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Are there any success stories of trust returning back to a spouse who didn't have it? I'm not even talking from infidelity. It really came from the spouses own insecurities and fears and all the stories he conjures up in his own head. I'm feeling like it will never end no matter what I say or do because there will always be another scenario that he will make into something. I need to know there is hope. (or not)


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Have you tried professional help? There is no stigma to it...and you'll be surprised how much it can help sometimes.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

You betrayed your husband and now you want him just to forget and trust you.?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

NO SPARTA. I did NOT betray my husband. I've been 100% faithful. His trust issues has nothing to do with ME doing something to betray him.

I was saying what do you do when the issues are all in his head because of his own insecurities and fears. For example, today is normally casual day at work but Friday's are also the days we have church. Most of the time I change twice. I'll wear my jeans and casual wear to work and change to something for church (usually a skirt) when I get home. Today I didn't feel like doing that so I wore my dress to work. Nothing super dressy. Well his brain got to working....I get bombarded with all these questions like I am trying to impress somebody at work. REALLY? That is so not me. But because his mind starts building scenarios I get put in the suspicious box. I call it FIGHTING GHOSTS! I should be able to wear what I what, when I want without being made to feel it's something wrong. 
NO matter how much I tell him who I am, how I feel about him and this marriage and what I would never do, it lasts for a moment and then he is back to feeling the anxieties and fears. I know it's mainly HIS issue because I can't fight what is not there on my end.

My questions was mainly around, what can I do to make it stop. I'm so tired of my actions being MADE suspicious.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Honestly, there is nothing that you can do to make him stop or make him trust you. I would not go down that rabbit hole because you will end up being a prisoner in your own home. People with the mindset of your husband, or Sparta or for that matter common are not using logic. It is an unhealthy, visceral type feeling that you can't do anything about. I would just continue to be faithful and state firmly when you are being misunderstood and live your life. If he can't handle it, he will either leave or he will escalate to the point that you will leave because he will become abusive. That's usually what happens with people like your husband.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MZMEE said:


> NO SPARTA. I did NOT betray my husband. I've been 100% faithful. His trust issues has nothing to do with ME doing something to betray him.
> 
> I was saying what do you do when the issues are all in his head because of his own insecurities and fears. For example, today is normally casual day at work but Friday's are also the days we have church. Most of the time I change twice. I'll wear my jeans and casual wear to work and change to something for church (usually a skirt) when I get home. Today I didn't feel like doing that so I wore my dress to work. Nothing super dressy. Well his brain got to working....I get bombarded with all these questions like I am trying to impress somebody at work. REALLY? That is so not me. But because his mind starts building scenarios I get put in the suspicious box. I call it FIGHTING GHOSTS! I should be able to wear what I what, when I want without being made to feel it's something wrong.
> NO matter how much I tell him who I am, how I feel about him and this marriage and what I would never do, it lasts for a moment and then he is back to feeling the anxieties and fears. I know it's mainly HIS issue because I can't fight what is not there on my end.
> ...


I think you have posted before, but I am not sure. 

Bottom line, he needs to go to therapy, or he is the one that is cheating.

If he is not cheating and projecting on to you, then why is he this way? 

Was he cheated on before, if so that is HIS issue. 

Problem is that this will wear on you. My GF had an Ex that did this all the time, and it drove her crazy. 

So, sorry to say, he either gets help or it does not look good...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sounds like either jealousy or projection. If jealousy then you might temper it by simply going out of your way to anticipate his suspicions and explaining in detail why you are doing something. For example, don't wear a dress on casual Friday and wait for him to start wondering why the change in habit; tell him BEFORE you put the dress on that you don't want to change twice today and are going to wear a dress so you can go to church after work. Even ask him before hand what he thinks of the idea. No, you shouldn't HAVE to do it this way, but you are trying to quell the unjustified suspicion right? Also, go out of your way to stroke his ego, be more attentive to it. Take opportunities to do this "out of the blue". Riding in the car someplace...just come out of nowhere with, "you know honey, I don't know what I'd do without you". When's the last time you told him, "you're the most handsome man in the world". Insecurities are weakened with reinforcement that HE is the one for you.

Another approach would be to turn the tables on him in an attempt to make him see how foolish his thoughts are. Regarding the dress and his thinking you are trying to impress someone at work, turn it around on him and say, "oh really. Is that what you would do? The next time you get dressed up I should assume you are trying to impress someone behind my back?" Whatever the situation, whatever the accusation, simply turn it on him by asking, "are you thinking that because that is what you would do?"


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The issue here is, there is no way to gain trust back, when there has been no betrayal. Either he himself is cheating and projecting this onto you, or he really is THAT insecure. But why?? Didn't you mention in a previous thread that he recently retired? He may be bored, and have too much time to just sit with his thoughts, and making them spiral out of control. Since you are doing nothing wrong, you need to take a very firm stance on this... either knock it off, or the two of you get into counseling together to get to the bottom of his issue. 

How annoying.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't make it stop. That's 100% up to him and if he's not interested in working on that then, unfortunately, the answer is "no".


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

sounds just like a woman I dated.

I remember once I had to go on a last minute business trip. she was convinced I was going on a getaway to meet a woman.

then my boss called, with her standing right next to me......while on speaker phone.....cancelled the trip.

did I get an apology, or even an acknowledgment she was out of line? no way.

what you have to understand is this problem is deep in THEIR head and YOU aren't going to fix it. 

some here have offered projection as a possible reason (thieves always think people are trying to steal from them) or insecurity (could be) but you know him best and will have to come up with your own conclusions.

just know that you are in for a life of misery with a person like this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He sounds like an emotionally abusive ass. Why, exactly, do you want to be with this cretin?

And please don’t say ‘love’. Love doesn’t look like this.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> NO SPARTA. I did NOT betray my husband. I've been 100% faithful. His trust issues has nothing to do with ME doing something to betray him.
> 
> I was saying what do you do when the issues are all in his head because of his own insecurities and fears. For example, today is normally casual day at work but Friday's are also the days we have church. Most of the time I change twice. I'll wear my jeans and casual wear to work and change to something for church (usually a skirt) when I get home. Today I didn't feel like doing that so I wore my dress to work. Nothing super dressy. Well his brain got to working....I get bombarded with all these questions like I am trying to impress somebody at work. REALLY? That is so not me. But because his mind starts building scenarios I get put in the suspicious box. I call it FIGHTING GHOSTS! I should be able to wear what I what, when I want without being made to feel it's something wrong.
> NO matter how much I tell him who I am, how I feel about him and this marriage and what I would never do, it lasts for a moment and then he is back to feeling the anxieties and fears. I know it's mainly HIS issue because I can't fight what is not there on my end.
> ...


Nothing. He has to do something to make it stop. That may be counseling or more. Counseling is a start. He may not want to go. He may not see what he is doing. That's where he needs help. You may have to do something drastic, like tell him it is very important. Important enough that you will end the marriage, starting three months from now, if he does not go get checked.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Does he acknowledge that these are his own fears and insecurities?

Your thread title is odd, you speak of trust coming back, when the trust wasn't even there to begin with.

Trust is something that is earned, but seems to me based on your posts that you have done everything you can to earn it, but it is your husband who is letting his paranoia and overthinking get the better of him. It is his problem.

He needs to get a handle on his fears, embrace the signals that fit; logical and intuitive, and discard the signals born from his own imagination.

You can seek professional help, but you can also do your part. For a start, ask him if you have done anything to make him feel that you have broken his trust. It could be little things, you need to communicate with him calmly. If you attack him for his insecurities it's not going to help either.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There is something wrong with him to be so insecure provided you have never cheated.
Is there anything in your past that might make him insecure?
Have you done anything in the past for him to lose trust in you?
Has he been cheated on by anyone else in his past?
Is there a big age difference between you two?
Does he work at anything?
Are you more successful than him?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband has found his second career - making you miserable. He needs to find something to occupy his mind. You aren't a child and he isn't your daddy. Stop the disrespect.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

True, true, true...I have to stop making it MY problem.


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