# What to do in the meantime:



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Today was yet another wasted day in court. All of the principle players couldn't be assembled; so my motion was moved to the end of the month. 

Gee, like this has never happened before. I am so friggin sick of courts, lawyers, motions, and dockets. I just wish they would bust out a roulette wheel and let me put everything on black. Where it lands, is where it lands. I am fine with that.

I hear so many people talk about alpha vs. beta on TAM, but my problem is different. I feel like I am stuck with my life in neutral, because I am in the gray area of married, but not really married.

I no longer feel anything that remotely resembles affection for my stbx. I honestly am looking forward to my divorce like a kid looks forward to Christmas, but I can't move on with my life because I am still technically married.

Somewhere ingrained in my soul is the inviolate command that I cannot see anyone because I am married. Thus far, this "command" has gotten me through a lot of potential temptation, as I have had had several opportunities to stray from the path.

How do the rest of you people on TAM handle your "gray period" between separation and divorce, and how soon after the ink dried did you start to date?

LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Because you haven't obviously started up with someone, she possibly clings to hope that there is still a chance to get back with you. So she may be dragging it out for that reason as well as the obvious suckling on your wallet reason.

If this is truely over in your mind, then it's over. Your battle over right and wrong is internal and specific to you. The advice and experience of others probably won't sway you much anyway.

You just have to do it.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Maybe you need to be with yourself for a while after this ends. Try to get healthy, spend time with other friends and family members, maybe get some counseling, learn from that relationship. I am only just starting down this road, so I am no expert


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My experience?

I respect your view, but do not share it; especially if holding onto such a view is causing you consternation.

'Dating' need not equal, "let's go back to your place and screw ..."

We had a 2 year separation. Mediation and divorce stalled. She had a boyfriend. I got tired of sitting in my apartment on weekends.

I had a brief intimate relationship, shortly following the separation. This was mostly a defensive reaction to my ex's affair. It was very premature, but extremely eye opening in terms of clearly outlining how dysfunctional my marriage had become.

Fast forward one year. My initial goal with dating was simply to find my feet, and my voice, with women once again. Met for drinks, had a few dinners. Tried stuff out ... had zero expectations of forging a 'relationship', and I was up-front about my status. Believe me, there are boatloads of people out there in the 'gray area' to which you refer.

The woman I did have the brief relationship with, still isn't divorced ... it's been 4 years. Gotten to the point with them where the status of their relationship is clear, and making it 'legal' would only cost both of them a bunch of time and money. To each their own.

So ... much like Athol points out, the only real barriers you have, are your own convictions.

At the point you are at? No one is going to pin a medal on your chest for remaining honorable.
Nor is anyone going to label you as a cheating spouse should you decide to date, under the circumstances.

Date when you are ready. You've always struck me as a fighter, in a good way. From my perspective, which understandably has no bearing on your circumstances, I don't see an opponent on this issue, other than your values. I wouldn't try to persuade you to compromise your values, but I would suggest evaluating if they are still truly valid.


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