# Sex While Separated/Divorced - Opinions and Stories



## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

Assuming a couple split more or less amicably, what are your thoughts on sex during separation, or even after divorce? There are obviously a few pitfalls to avoid, but I can see many logical benefits, also.

I'd be interested to hear any opinions or stories of failure or success when it comes to ex sex.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Id it works for you and there are no expectations on either side I don't see why not

I wouldn't do it but that's just me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

I know for myself, I couldn't. The last time I had sex with my STBXH was last summer when we were still together, but having difficulties and it just felt wrong. It didnt feel right and we haven't since then. 

If it works for you, then go for it.


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

Peeps678 said:


> I know for myself, I couldn't. The last time I had sex with my STBXH was last summer when we were still together, but having difficulties and it just felt wrong. It didnt feel right and we haven't since then.
> 
> If it works for you, then go for it.


That's my problem - no way to know if it will work for me until I try it, and by then it will be too late


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Democritus said:


> That's my problem - no way to know if it will work for me until I try it, and by then it will be too late


True....just be prepared if it feels "wrong". LOL


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I separated from my wife (legal separation). I got the kids, she got basically nothing but the freedom to knock boots with the guy she'd been seeing. Her relationship fizzled and she came poking around me not obviously wanting to resume the relationship but willing to do the nasty. Like an idiot, I did. Next thing I know, she's trying to challenge our separation agreement on the grounds that we had "reconciled" (because I had sex with her once after the agreement had been signed). I'm a huge fan of sex but not a huge fan of stupidity and having sex with her before the divorce was finalized was stupid of me. If I ever were single and wanted to have sex with an ex again, I would have a vasectomy first, be double-wrapped, checked into a hotel under an assumed name where I paid cash in a town where nobody knew me.


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

@unbelievable

My concern really comes down to whether or not it ups the emotional ante for me. I spend enough mental energy on her as it is.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> I know for myself, I couldn't. The last time I had sex with my STBXH was last summer when we were still together, but having difficulties and it just felt wrong. It didnt feel right and we haven't since then.
> 
> If it works for you, then go for it.


Pretty much the same here, except it's been more than a year for me... No sex at all, since then.

I had a couple of opportunities, but it was too soon and there were always too many red flags... I would have been doing it for the wrong reason, and it would have turned out badly each time. For me it wasn't worth initiating another bad relationship, just to get laid.

I would like sex. I don't need sex. It can wait.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I think you should tread very carefully.

There is no way it can be NSA with her. You're intrinsically tied together for so long as one or the other is hoping for R.

I think sex for the sake of sex is fine. I also think sex with someone new before D is final is also ok so long as you are certain you don't want R.

Maybe it could be a way to reconnect with her but can you really handle it not having that result which I would guess is more likely?


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

I do want R, so Sex with someone else isn't an option right now, but that's fine, I can do without if needed.

Not sure how well I could handle sex with the ex under these circumstances, but I'm willing to try, find out, and then make a long-term decision from there. It won't kill me, in any case.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sex creates a bond through brain chemicals. It changes the way we think about that person. This can be good or bad for both of you and your children. You are taking a risk by having sex with her. If you want to R, it will help to rebuild the bond. You have to be certain that is good for you, her and the children and you both want to R. Be careful with all involved. Children don't understand many things. I'm certain you don't want them hurt further.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Another little anecdote because I'm just so old and have been stupid several times over the years. First wife left me for some other guy. We got divorced and were divorced for several years. I went overseas with the Army. About 7 years later, I pop back into town on leave, she happened to be between men and we grabbed a hotel room for a night. Within two days, her daddy (whom I had no contact with) came poking around, musing aloud to me about how the "whole family" hopes she and I get remarried, make babies, etc, etc, etc. Apparently, she'd told them all about our little get together and the plan was to get a ring back on my finger. Luckily, the world is a large, very bad, place and the Army sent me back overseas. Unbelievable's life lesson: Don't stick your hand in the same fire, twice. You already know it burns.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you are hoping for R, sex during separation could really hurt your heart. That connection you want, you may feel (no pun intended), but she may not. Brace yourself for more pain, and hope it doesn't happen.


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> If you are hoping for R, sex during separation could really hurt your heart. That connection you want, you may feel (no pun intended), but she may not. Brace yourself for more pain, and hope it doesn't happen.


That's about where it stands, I guess. I'm prepared to play it all by ear, see where things go, and then closely monitor how I'm feeling about the whole adventure as subsequent days pass. If it's too damaging, then it won't happen again. But, in the name of connecting and potentially prompting R - not to mention enjoying one of the few things we were really good at over the years - I think it's a worthwhile risk to take.

It's also worth noting that I may be way overestimating the chance of it happening at all. I'm just wanting to mentally cover every angle before anything gets out of hand.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Democritus said:


> Assuming a couple split more or less amicably, what are your thoughts on sex during separation, or even after divorce? There are obviously a few pitfalls to avoid, but I can see many logical benefits, also.
> 
> I'd be interested to hear any opinions or stories of failure or success when it comes to ex sex.


If you want to get back together, don't do it. Not only that, but I doubt many people have really worked through their issues enough to handle any kind of relationship at this point. It takes a while. 

Most of us men know how to take care of our sexual needs without going out looking for a new person.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

For some reason, I thought you were talking about extra-marital sex. I definitely would avoid that.

Sex with separated spouse...maybe. But for me, and I think most men, sex is the way we express intimacy, but for women it is a bit different. Pltuo said things well imo. I think I would be open, but pretty cautious about it.


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

Sorry if I wasn't clear there - I definitely mean with my separated wife!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Democritus said:


> Sorry if I wasn't clear there - I definitely mean with my separated wife!


Has she invited you?


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## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

No, it's a group situation into which I invited her, totally assuming she'd give me a quick no. She said yes, under the condition that we go as friends, but it's a couples scenario in which we will be an acting "couple," so it'll be tricky.

Honestly, I really can't predict how it will go, sex or otherwise - I just want to give a good impression of myself and the improvements I've made while playing things super cool, no matter how the night progresses.


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