# Finances are becoming the final straw in our strained marriage



## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Alright I'll try not to make this post too long.

A bit about us:
Four years ago I graduated with a science degree. I was working in retail and my boss wanted me to pursue full time work as a trainee manager. I ended up turning that down after I went on a big trip around China. I did it as a graduation gift to myself but did waste a lot of money in the process to the tune of $10,000.

I met someone whom I thought was a nice woman over there. I ended up going back for her because I wanted to experience living abroad. So I turned down the trainee manager role and moved over to China. I used the last of my savings to support myself over there until I got established in the teaching industry.

I wasted around $20,000...

18 months ago, after two years living abroad, I made the decision to bring my wife to Australia. We were hoping for much better opportunities. Well, she has found there are lots of opportunities here. She has worked and been quite successful at saving here. But she hasn't contributed to anything. She argues that even if she took out 50% of the expenses, she would still have a decent amount of savings (that's true). She worked as a tour guide and made really good comission.

Combining her life savings from China, her parents limited savings and her savings from here in Australia, she has around $40,000 which is enough for the first 10% deposit on an older home.

She now works in real estate and wants me to catch up with the reamining 10% deposit - save $40,000 in two years!

Now a bit about my situation: after I came back to Australia, I went onto government payments that kept us going for a bit by paying for the rent and food. Obviously I couldn't save on that little money. I picked up part time work back with my company and eventually worked my way up to my current 2IC manager's position. But the salary is also very low. I can only manage to save around $1000/mth after basic expenses: rent, food, mobile phone bill, car, health insurance and other expenses like car insurance and registration etc.

I have been looking to find better work. In this economy there are a lot of redundancies... I am naturally concerned about that and I also want to make sure that if I leave my current STABLE job, I won't be walking into a temporary job that finishes up in a short time. Also, everyone knows that you have to start at the bottom (with salary) and work your way up into a company or a new profession. On top of that, my current work is 50hrs a week over 5 days but I am required to be flexible and fill in for staff etc. So how can I do casual work on the side?

I see my more established mates and wish that was me. But they stayed in Australia and worked for the two years I spent abroad. So most are in a better situation and have a house already.

I'm 30 years old. She is 27.

I am considering my next training option and what field I will go into. I was very much interested in putting together my application this month to study my masters in envrionmental science (to go into environmental consulting).

Our problems aside from money woes:
*She takes her frustrations out on me and calls me very nasty names.
*My attempts at getting us to get along and work together seem to fail every time.
*The constant bickering and arguing has taken its toll.
*She tells me I'm too lazy and should be working 7 days a week like her friend's husbands apparently did.
*She has a sense of urgency because the house prices are constantly going up and making the gap larger and larger.
*She tells me she has a certain expectation of a lifestyle and if I can't meet that expectation, then she is on a different level to me and should find a man on the same level as her.
*She will often make nasty comments about how we are not fit for each other and how she should find a more successful man.

Last night I made a nice seafood dinner for us. I got up at 6am on Good Friday to go to the Fish Market. Returned with about $120 worth of seafood. She went off her head about it when I started to serve it up. She complained that it wasn't live and fresh and the way I cooked it all was disgusting. Apparently her tastes were 'on a different level to mine' because she has travelled to a lot fo Asian countries with her tour guide work and sampled the best and properly cooked seafood. It was my first time to cook up so much seafood ...

She called it s*** in front of me and grabbed a packet of 2 minute noodles. I had planned for a nice night with wine, candles, seafood and a movie afterwards.

She continued into the bedroom and said she was so unhappy with me because I couldn't save much money, my salary was too low, I couldn't provide a stable future, couldn't provide a house, I'm not working hard enough, I'm not spending all my energy for work but instead using my younger years to enjoy life etc etc etc.

Hey I had planned to have a nice night and go to sleep happy or at least after saying some nice words to each other.

Instead it went something like this: She was hugging up against me and I told her how much I loved her and that we will get what we are after if we be patient! I explained that we should enjoy each level that we are on until we get the lifestyle we want.

Here is the thing I cannot understand. When I said that, she pushed away from me and rolled over. She made the comment that she should find a man that is on her level...

That doesn't make sense to me at all! I just explained that I think we should try and make the most of every step of the way and I talked about us being close and connected, then she immediately countered with nasty comments about wanting to leave me.

Just a couple of days ago, I sat down with her and explained how we are feeding into a vicious cycle with her berating me over the work/finances, me losing focus on the important task of finding better work and the situation perpetuating itself. So to break that cycle, I appealed to her to emotionally support me as I step up my efforts to find better work and earn more money. She countered that argument with a negative comment about how she should go back to China for a couple of months to get away from me as soon as her visa comes through.

She has also created the perfectly impossible situation. We will never be able to have a nice holiday or enjoy life because she wants me to save 100% of my salary for this first home.

But I want to be able to take her to a European country to celebrate her getting her visa at the end of the year. Then she tells me that I should stay home and just keep working and earning for the future while she skips off to her parents' home for a few months and relaxes.

My parents have told me that I stand absolutely no chance of achieving anything while she refuses to keep working. She argues that she is spending six or more months on this real estate stuff unpaid so she can gain knowledge of the best way to invest.

Anyway the worst comments come from her: she keeps saying that maybe we don't fit and she should find another man. Saying these things with such indifference and making out like she is above me...

They make my heart so tired. I'm exhausted and fed up. I don't even have the energy to go and find another woman.

I just want someone to love me for who I am right now and to work with me. Someone to care about me enough to never throw it in my face that they are unsatisfied and thinking about finding another man...

I am so damn tired of posting in forums, wasting my life, constantly upset, constantly struggling... I've had enough of everything. I am faced with a crap life, little savings, a failing marriage and a wife who verbally abuses me.

I need a break and need a life partner who wants to spend quality time with me, doesn't worry so much, understands the importance of quality time together and understands that things are falling into place (which they have now for a few months with my savings increasing and my work situation being stable, potential study options opening etc).

Not a partner that views our fights as such a bad sign of our relationship that they need to throw in the towel and let it be known that they want to find a man 'up to their standards'...

Sorry to complain but I am hurt and fed up. All I ever wanted was a wife that speaks nicely to me and lets me get on with the tasks of earning money, finding better work and getting established!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Listen to your parents - they know of what they speak. And, since your wife puts all the onus on you to provide, you know that insisting she work will cause her to freak out on you if not leave outright. So, you might as well cut her loose already.

Here's some information for you. She is like a dog that's all bark and no bite. The fact that she keeps on berating you to earn more, threatening to leave, etc. without actually doing so means she is not that serious about leaving you. If she was that unhappy and had an exit plan she would have bailed long ago. You should call her bluff.

I don't think she'll leave over this. She wants that nice lifestyle of course (who doesn't). But she apparently does not have the money right now to do it. So that leaves her two choices - work her a$$ off for it or have someone give it to her.

From what you wrote, she does not want to work for it. So, that leaves her the option of having someone provide it for her. How does she make that happen?

She might want you to think she could run out tomorrow and get a well-to-do guy, but reality gets in the way of that. She's not wealthy and not hard-working - is she spectacularly beautiful? What does she have to offer to make her stand out from all the other women who want an affluent guy?

It's ultimatum time. She needs to know that you aren't interested in chasing every dollar possible. She also needs to know that you are looking for someone to build with you rather than take from you. Insist she go out, get a paying job, and work just as hard as you do.

Another thing to consider - she sounds like her parents spoil her, indulge her, and now she's expecting you to step in and fill that role for her. You did say that she was counting her parent's life savings as part of her house fund, right?

I saw a news article somewhere that said this type of behavior was not uncommon. China has a one-child policy in the urban areas and there is a sense that a fair share of parents over-indulge their only children (due to cultural issues). Moreover, if her parents came from small families, she may be doted on by grandparents with few grandkids.

Bottom line - don't give in.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I think the cultures and concept of relationships are also different.

An Asian woman might marry a foreigner because they are thinking of getting ahead in life more so than love. Let's face it, most people want to get ahead in life, but I have found, through my friends, Asian women tend to be more money/success oriented than Western women.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I think your wife is correct. You have all the characteristics of a lazy self indulgent spendthrift. 

You jump into an endeavor but are unwilling to expend the energy to become successful, so you take off looking for something better (EASIER). 

No one becomes successful in any enterprise without hard work and diligence, instead you want to go globe trotting. Wake up, and apply yourself....

Talk to your successful mates, see how many had success fall in their lap (HINT ZERO)...

You have a treasure in your wife, and are wanting to throw her away because your wastrel ways don''t get her HOT.....:chinese:

The coffee is on, you are snooring...It's time to wake up...:sleeping:

I predict in 10 years you will be waiting tables in a quaint bistro, and your wife and her new, successful husband will have you as their server...I hope he is a big tipper......:rofl:


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> I think your wife is correct. You have all the characteristics of a lazy self indulgent spendthrift.
> 
> You jump into an endeavor but are unwilling to expend the energy to become successful, so you take off looking for something better (EASIER).
> 
> ...


So, she is the one who doesn't have a job and wants the luxuries in life, and he's the lazy spendthrift? Since he does more than she does, what does that make her?


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

You said yourself what it is you need: 

"I need a break and need a life partner who wants to spend quality time with me, doesn't worry so much, understands the importance of quality time together and understands that things are falling into place...

Not a partner that views our fights as such a bad sign of our relationship that they need to throw in the towel and let it be known that they want to find a man 'up to their standards'... "

I feel really bad for you, she's got you wound so tight round her finger you're disorientated. Regardless of culture, she is being a terrible, disrespectful spouse. Sometimes people need a good push to get them moving. She clearly thinks this is the best way to motivate you - by threatening to leave. It isn't. It's not helping either of you get what you want. She's being immature, selfish, inconsiderate, unappreciative... I can't believe there are people who think the world should just give itself to them on a plate.

You are working your ass off, long hours are naff to do but you do them. Many people can't save that much a month, you're doing very well. But no matter how hard she wishes, you can't magically afford a house like, yesterday. She needs a reality check there.

It sounds like she's pushing so hard you are no longer connecting as a loving couple. She thinks she has the 'upper hand' and can dump you for someone with several grand sat in a bank. You need to change that. Because in truth, you are in control of the finances and where your lives are heading. She needs to realise that love has squat all to do with looking good for the neighbours. All I can suggest is you have a serious talk about how you feel. Tell her the pressuring tactic isn't working. You need encouragement, not verbal abuse. You need to be strong as a pair, not two individuals who are only connected by name. Tell her you need to work together and support each other to achieve anything (including, just having a good marriage). If she doesn't want to know, or refuses to change her tune, I'm sorry but her heart's not in it. 

Which would be sad because I think yours is.

Good luck to you. The truth sucks to know sometimes, but there's no disputing it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

DTO said:


> So, she is the one who doesn't have a job and wants the luxuries in life, and he's the lazy spendthrift? Since he does more than she does, what does that make her?


*she has found there are lots of opportunities here. She has worked and been quite successful at saving here. But she hasn't contributed to anything. She argues that even if she took out 50% of the expenses, she would still have a decent amount of savings (that's true). She worked as a tour guide and made really good comission.

Combining her life savings from China, her parents limited savings and her savings from here in Australia, she has around $40,000 which is enough for the first 10% deposit on an older home.

She now works in real estate and wants me to catch up with the reamining 10% deposit - save $40,000 in two years!*

She has earned a substantial down payment on a house, and is now training to earn more money, while our mate is on the dole, or working at a part time minimum wage job...He is lazy and self indulgent...Now he wants to go into yet another direction, because he lacks the gumption to be a success in his current field......

the woodchuck


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Well, I was testing the waters to see what kind of responses I would get and this is certainly interesting. Woodchuck, you take a very hardline approach. Do you think I'm on the dole?? I work 50 hours a week for a salary that is equivalent to a graduate starting salary. I have been told that in 6-12 months my salary will rise as I work my way up to department manager.

Everyone is prompting me to be more specific about my circumstance so here goes...

A few years ago I graduated with a Bachelor of Science. I quickly learned that I would need to do further study to pursue decent employment in this field (eg. research). But at the time I was younger and was keen to see the world. I had thought about my employment options in Europe but found that a minimum of a masters or PhD was required. I loved China so I made the decision to spend a large chunk of 4 years saving through college to do travel (yes I was young and foolish).

While I was over there, I met a Chinese woman and fell in love. I may have been a bit naive - she is my first love. I saw the opportunity to teach abroad and decided that this was the chance to draw me out of my shy skin and live abroad at the same time. It was an interesting way to move out from my parents for the first time.

I came from a family that struggled like hell. They went without food some days just to make sure us children had food on the table. Dad spent a lot of time working shift work (he came from Portugal to Australia when he was 7 years old but his reading and writing was not good enough to progress beyond year 10). Despite his education, he worked hard from the age of 17 and by the time he was 21, he was married, had a house and mum was pregnant with me. They married and settled very young.

I feel like in those days, they had it hardest. They survived 18% interest rates of the early 80's and still pulled through to end up where they are today! They have been good role models but admittedly I come from a spoiled generation that spent my late teenage years onwards enjoying a nice home, nice belongings etc. Granted I worked for a lot of the nice things I bought for myself - my parents made it clear they would support me through uni but if I wanted to have extras, then I had better work for it. So I did. First as a pizza delivery driver - until my car was totalled and then I was robbed at knife point (at the age of 17 mind you). Then I found work in a large retail company and stayed with them for 4 years and saved a substantial amount. I became a very favoured worker with the store boss and he kept giving me more and more opportunities as I reached the end of my degree.

But as I graduated, I ended up in a different direction. I loved teaching English abroad in China. I loved the fact I was able to satisfy my desire to help others. I have a strong analytical mind and a very good vocab (with good spelling!). So, I actually did alright in this industry.

However, my then fiancee agreed that we should get married and apply for the spouse visa for us to come back to Australia where we can build a better life with better opportunities.

She had worked very hard and found ways to earn a fair bit of money in China (about $20,000 but that's her life savings). Her parents spent nearly all their's on throwing a lavish wedding in her hometown. It was an amazing experience as I rode the horse through the main street with my wife in the sedan chair behind me.

In China, we rented an entire apartment because the cost of living was so cheap. We could eat outside all the time. We generally enjoyed life but my pay was so low that I realised the only way to even scratch the surface on saving would be to work 70+ hours a week. At one point I was trying to do just that:
6am get up and start 1.5hr bus ride to school
8am-4pm: teaching with a 2 hour break in between for lunch and rest (the students in China usually study from 7:30am to 9pm and get a break for two hrs between 12-2).
4-6pm: travel to private classes
10pm: arrive home exhausted
12am: go to sleep after dealing with gf (now wife).

Woodchuck, I was never a lazy individual with the exception of college where I was addicted to computer games and my grades suffered a bit until I got my act together - it took my parents forcing me to take a leave of absence for 6 months for me to realise. They told me to go and search for work instead. Lining up in the dole queue was enough to give me the kick I needed. The local office is in a central area and also covers a rough neighbourhood. I had to line up amongst badly dressed, heavily tattooed young guys and I felt completely out of place. It was demoralising enough for me to quickly find work - that retail job I was talking about. I returned to uni and worked hard.

Throughout my uni life, I continued to volunteer and join several charity social groups. I loved giving something back to the needy. One of my most rewarding experiences was helping disabled children at their school sporting event. It was a good feeling to be able to see the smiles on their faces and see their parents also happy. My mates laughed at me a bit for getting my face painted but I did it to get amongst the kids eh.

Anyway, fast forward to now. Last year I found it tough to get reestablished back here in Australia. Suddenly I had additional expenses...rent, food for two people etc etc. Reality was sinking in. On top of that, my wife had a hard time adjusting to life here and was giving me absolute hell. She fought with my parents - particularly my mum and she hid in her room while we were living with them. She would sit at the table and demand I get her everything. My mother's father used to treat his wife badly and do similar things so it touched a raw nerve.

My wife managed to find work as a tour guide through a Chinese agency so she could continue her line of work from China. At the same time she said she needed a place to stay in in the city (my parents live a couple of hrs away). We had only been married here in Australia for a few weeks. I helped her to get work before myself. She urged me to live with my parents and get work down there with my old company! She started looking at single rooms and told me to come and visit her on weekends. You tell me if that is normal newly wed behaviour?

She argued that Chinese culture is like that - the married couples sometimes have to separate and live in different cities for their work :-/ I wasn't buying the bs so I forcefully told her to find a room for us both because we are married and I wasn't buying any of it.

Well, we found a sharehouse and we are still here 14 months later...

Less than a month after we moved here, the problems started. She would spend hours chatting away to this Chinese guy friend. They knew each other from school. He would suggest movies for her to watch. She would tell me to get out in the kitchen and cook her dinner meanwhile she lay on the bed chatting to this guy by webcam. She could see my obvious anger but she would tell me to go away and leave her alone.

I began to wonder what I did to deserve the treatment. I would be so distressed that one night I screwed up a simple dinner. She was tooo busy spending time talking to this guy for 3 hours a night and ignoring me. I hated that so much. Yes she worked hard - she earned a lot of money from her job and would sometimes be up at 4am to travel to the airport to pick up or drop off her tourists. But being slapped so hard in the face that I was seeing stars and yelled at because the potatoes weren't cooked right was just too much for me.

I wonder why the hell I put up with that looking back. Probably because there were intermittent good days. Also I didn't want the shame of walking out on my new marriage just one month in. I held onto hope that things would change and she would learn to control her anger.

I used to cop a lot of verbal attacks too. Loser. Pathetic. Not a man. Lazy. Stupid. Dumb. Loser go and work on the street - do anything but sit here in front of the computer and look for work.

Well, canvassing didn't help. Recruitment agencies didn't help. I was at rock bottom and exhausted from the continual verbal and physical assaults. I'm not making that up either. I still have records and photos of some things she did to me.

Oh and to make matters worse you are going to love this one. I found retail work doing something similar to what I did prior to China. It was working for the competition. Everything seemed alright at first. But after a couple of weeks, the middle manager bosses working with me started on me. One in particular had a real fix against me. It was night management work. It was my first full time job in Australia and I was getting desparate. So I stayed there until they fired me after 3 months (I was ready to walk away anyway). That manager used to yell at me, swear at me, tell me I was like a girl, tell me to grow a set of balls, tell me he knows where I live and berate me for being an employee for the opposition company in the past. Then the other boss got some heresay that I called her a b****. Completely untrue. But the backstabbing guy told her behind my back. Then she started on me. She started to say things like - "oh just go away will you!"

I have never in my life worked in such an abusive environment and thank God I got fired. I was at breaking point. Because while that was going on, I found out my lovely wife had started going to dinner with a male work colleague and they were running around the city together one day to visit some tourist sites for their job.

Less than 4 months after being married, I had lost my job, my casual work dried up (season ended), my wife was doing what most would consider cheating and she had made the decision that she was fed up with life here and wanted to have a break. She took off back to her home in China and did a bit of travel with her parents and visited her friends. Took her 2 months. Over the computer we would fight because I wanted to maintain contact but she would say that I'm broing and she had to go.

I became so disillusioned that I struggled to keep my new casual employment. It was back with the company I had worked for before. The boss knew I was newly married and said that he would give me a fair go and give me full time hours. The commute made it hard though. I also struggled with all the crap that was going on at home.

I honestly thought my wife wasn't coming back. She used to make remarks like she hated the food I cooked for her, she hated where we lived, she hated the lifestyle, she hated my mother, she hated the fact I was poor, she hated my income, she hated nearly everything about me. Most of all, she used to tell me that her parents had never gotten a new home and were living in extreme poverty and that I couldn't even meet the cultural expectation of buying a home for her and her parents to live in - yes, the Chinese man is supposed to provide a home upon marriage (and his parents signifcantly help with the cost). But my parents can't afford that!

During those two months were some of the darkest moments in my life as I spent nearly every night alone and crying. I turned to drinking. I'm quite surprised to think about how much...2 cases of beer (48 bottles), 15-20 individual bottles of beer, 4 bottles of wine and a bottle of spirits. I spent my birthday celebrating with my parents. I felt like I was single and my family were all telling me I was used and not to expect her back unless it is to get her visa.

Don't ask me how I pulled through. But I was haunted by the memory of my grandfather on life support after a life of heavy drinking and it reminded me not to go down the same route.

They day I picked my wife from the airport, I couldn't understand what she was saying about where she was waiting to be picked up. I started a manhunt for nearly 20 mins looking for her. Eventually I did find her. The reaction wasn't one of a hug and kiss, it was an angry face that immediately yelled very loudly to get over there and pick up her bags - confrontational. She apologised in the car and said she had a bad mood from exhaustion and the long flight.

Everything seemed to be alright and actually looked like life was going to take a turn for the better. But after Christmas, they went downhill again. She tried to maintain contact with her friend after she came back and I kept arguing with her about it and calling it cheating and eventually she began to realise just what she was doing to our relationship.

But the bad words, bad moods and anger directed at me continued. She intercepted private communication between my mother and I about her. I was venting to mum because I had nowhere to go for support. Yes I was acting immature and making the situation worse.

My wife left her tour guide job because it was destroying her throat. She only worked it for 4 months and earned around 18k because of cash in hand and commission. She tried working in the duty free shop just before she left but she hated the work.

After she came back, she didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her that we both need to work to get ahead. She told me she was going to replace me with a man that can keep her. That she didn't want to work. Her friend in Germany has a child and married an older man who is well-off and an established author. She wanted the same life?

I told her that I was clear from the beginning before we married that we would be coming back and having to go through a very tough time to get setup from scratch. She was warned here in Australia too about the whole process. The celebrant, my parents they all tried to warn her but she scoffed at them all.

I have tried everything. Individual counselling, phone support, forums, internet, books... I understand a lot and it taught me my shortfalls in marriage.

I travelled a hard road. My father kept telling me to come home 1 year earlier from China and get setup. That time was running out. His father left home for 2 years to get a house here in Australia and then told his young family of 5 children to come out. My father told me to do the same and not rent. I ignored that. I was determined to keep working and living with my wife.

Most of our fighting has died down now. But I still get a bit of abuse. She will say unfair things like she will replace with me with a richer man, I'm lazy, I'm stupid, everything I do is s***...

Where's the appreciation of me? Every day I feel some appreciation but it is all torn down with some nasty words directed my way out of her frustration. Do I lack ambition? I don't think so. I have a plan but I don't see a plan with my wife, she works in real estate now to try and find the best deal for our first home, but she is doing unpaid work!

Before Christmas she worked in a cold storage factory. It was hell for her. I used to get up at 6am with her and prepare breakfast while she got ready. She kept up at me saying that I was a useless husband to let her work when her older friends don't have to work and they already have homes (but tey are 10-15 years older than us). Her explosive rage would keep coming through. One day it was so bad that she exploded out on the street and threw an apple violently down the road, yelled at me about being late (I forgot my glasses because I was half asleep - we had been awake for most of the night because she was angry and kept shoving me). I ran back and got my glasses and in the car she kept up at me. I told her to be quiet so I don't crash the bloody car!

When we arrived at her workplace, I again asked her why she was so angry. She finished most of her breakfast, put it down, got out of the car and then used her foot to kick the bowl in my direction, try to kick me, slammed the door so hard it nearly broke of it's hinges and then kicked the door before walking off with her head held high.

Through tears, I drove home and went and lied down for a few hours before work.

I was getting depressed. The boss knew what was happening because he could see how distracted I was at work. I was often told to concentrate and stay focused. Sleep deprived and disoriented. Sure boss, I can manage that on top of my failing marriage and abuse...

I did alright until the day came that another manager was moved to our store and we all lost our hours. Through the help of the head boss, I was given a management position. 

I'm thankful for my work. It keeps me sane and keeps me going.

Things were getting out of hand back in Feb. We were back to the old ways and she was becoming violent again. She started to threaten to destroy objects in the home. She did.

On her birthday, I asked for her to come home and spend it with me after work. I wanted the afternoon with her. Big mistake. She stayed out at her friend's house until later in the afternoon. I became angry and told her that it was getting late and we didn't have time to go shopping - I wanted her to pick out some jewellery that she liked (like we used to do in China) and that could be her birthday present.

I refused to answer her phone in the end because I was so fed up. I was on a call to my mother when I heard a knock at the door. I said goodbye to mum and a red-faced (it was hot that day) wife came through the door all confrontational and yelling at me about not answering her phone - she called a lot during my phone call and I ignored it...

I tried to apologise but she was so worked up. I said I was so upset and hurt with her choosing to ignore me and go to her friend's place. But she was fuming over me not answering her phone. She locked me out of the house for around 20mins. Eventually she let me back in.

I said I was sorry but she kept repeatedly asking me why I didn't answer the phone. I told her I was talking to mum and she kept calling me a liar. So I phoned mum. She kept yelling, mum got worked up and so angry and said she was calling the police if my wife didn't calm down. My wife exploded and went to the kitchen and grabbed all the plates, cups, glasses and bowls and smashed the lot all over the floor. Then went to the bedroom and tried to destroy things in there.

I was shaking in shock at the violence. I'm not lying. It took a lot not to call the police and to reassure my parents.

About an hr later, she asked me to take her to the shops. My head was spinning. We had dinner quietly together and she called me boring and said that she was going to leave me after she gets her visa...

Happy Birthday to her....

The violence continued over my 'white lies'. She would ask if I had cleaned the kitchen and to try and prevent the anger, I would say yes and then quietly clean it up.

But most of the time she knew I wasn't telling the truth and just saying that to calm her down. It had the opposite effect and she would threaten to cut up clothes, threw my watch out of the window (we live in the third storey) etc. It got so bad that at the beginning of last month, I was forced to walk out and refuse to come back. She went crazy with a knife in her anger and pulled my work shirt off my back and sliced into it, jumped on the bed and sliced up our giant marriage poster and I had to wrestle the knife out of her hand. She also threw water all over me and an expensive computer monitor I had setup in the room.

I went to the police, I was in shock. They told me if I lay charges, that she will be pursued through the courts. Happy Valentine's Day...

I went to my parents home and arrived at 4am. The next day they urged me to print a letter I had saved about cancelling her visa. That letter was sent off. I have since told them not to action it.

I was a bit annoyed with my parents for yelling at me to sign the letter and pushing me while I was still so distressed. I wanted a few days to settle before making such a big decision.

Needless to say, we came back together a few days later and sorted ourselves out. Since then, it's been a bit more pleasant.

I still continue to try and have a good life with my wife. We still have a few bad days. I told her that the threats aren't doing anything but killing my spirit. I explained to her clearly that her constant threats of leaving me are feeding a vicious circle:
threatens to leave me for a better man --> destroying me --> I'm distracted with trying to process the pain --> fail to improve the work situation --> process repeats.

I told her that if she just works with me and gets on the same page, then we can work towards a happy future. I told her my conditions are simple: she emotionally supports me and I'll materially provide above and beyond. That's all I ask for! To be loved and appreciated, then I'll go about the rest of the business of searching for and applying for better paid work.

I am not lazy. I work 50 hours a week in a stable job. I am not keen to move immediately to another job unless I know for sure it's going to be stable and I'm not going to end up redundant. Because the job I work in now not only pays all the bills, it has potential growth within the company and it allows me to save a bit.

I don't have any debts aside from a student loan which is coming out of my salary to repay it.

I want to focus this month on choosing what I should study to upgrade my qualifications and get better work. I'm finding my direction while still working. I search for work, look at my study options, try to write letters back to the department about the visa, compare health and car insurances for the best deals to save money, look after the home (washing, cleaning) and even cooking.

Am I lazy?? I don't think so! My wife wants me working 7 days per week but as I explained to her, I can't work 7 days per week because my current job requires me to be flexible and there may be situations where I have to step in and work 6 days or fill in for one of my employees. Will another casual job last if I have to tell them on a week-by-week basis about my schedule and even cancel shifts at the last minute because someone called in sick in my main job?

I don't think so.

Last night we had a good night. We went and walked along the waterfront near the area we would love to buy an apartment in. We are on the same page finally about what we are aiming for. We came home and had a good night watching a movie. But for some reason after I fell asleep, she woke me a bit and wanted to sleep head to toe to me. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wasn't happy because she wants to have the house. Well, I don't understand how that justifies treating me like crap to get it??

Yeah, I know I will get the apartment in that area if that's what I want. I trust myself enough to go after and achieve my goals. But I am wondering what it's going to be like with her living in there with me. Is she going to keep treating me badly. That's like a nightmare scenario...

So I see it as such a happy time for me to be comfortable, in my own apartment, decent job, decent car...less pressure and more in control. But she is the black cloud. I worry that I'll get these nice things but be miserable as hell. In my mind I picture it as one of two scenarios:
*bright and happy and feeling good about being in my own apartment.
*it's dark and late at night and I'm sitting in my car crying and wishing my life was over because of the hell I'm going through at home.

You can imagine which scenario I want.

My wife doesn't give me the confidence that scenario one will unfold with her. That's the sad thing. That's why I have been trying to get through to her that we need to work together and connect with each other NOW. Not try to make things better after we are entangled in property and debt.

Woodchuck, does it sound like I'm lazy and stupid now? Or perhaps very grounded and sensible?


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I think your wife is correct. You have all the characteristics of a lazy self indulgent spendthrift.
> 
> You jump into an endeavor but are unwilling to expend the energy to become successful, so you take off looking for something better (EASIER).
> 
> ...


And just what part of going to China and finding my wife, didn't you understand? Do you know how hard I worked over there?

I work full time in a decently employing job in management. I complain that the salary is a bit low and that I know I have more potential. They recognise that and told me my pay will increase as I worked my way up.

To the contrary, I haven't left a job and jumped around. My wife is frustrated because she wants me to do exactly that. She wants me to jump to a higher paying job and I told her that I want to play it safe and make sure that they job I move to is stable and won't make me redundant. Will it add to my CV and become a valubale skillset for the future?

Otherwise, what's the point of working if it isn't going to provide a springboard to better positions and opportunities. I want to make sure I can secure better work and establish a career in an industry with good growth potential.

So perhaps it makes a lot of sense that I'm applying for work with breweries in their corporate divisions seeing as I am currently in liquor retail management and understand the marketing of the products. Does that make sense? Building upon my exisiting skillset while trying to decide on what I can study that will allow me to break into a growing and stable field of work (eg. building on my science degree by studying environmental science because that builds on my exisiting skills and gives entry into a growing and stable field of employment).

Sounds better now right?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

aussie2012

You left a lot of holes in your OP...Quit making excuses for your wife and covering up her flaws, or you will continue to have problems...If you dumped her right now would she get her visa, or go back to China? That might be the best route right now.....

I married in 1966 right out of highschool, to woman with an 18 mo son....I was a tool maker at what is now Boeing...Moved to what then was the world famous Carter Carburetor company in St. Louis Missouri as a quality inspector...I worked there for 13 years.

I only made average money, and we struggled. In the late 1970's the economy tanked and Carter shut down. I went to work for Borg Warner corp. at a plant that built carburetors for small engines in Arkansas.....

I became the big fish in a little pond. My training and experience made me stand out. I made lots of suggestions that improved quality and productivity, and within 3 years I was invited to move from my position as quality assuraance supervisor to production engineer...

They waived the requirememt for an engineering degree because of my record of accomplishment, and of course the money was good. When CAD (computer aided design) Was introduced, I was given the opportunuty to learn on the companys new system...Within 6 months I was doing all the tool, fixture, and gage design for the entire plant...

I stayed there for almost 20 years....By then the kids were out of school, we had bought a house, and we were financially stable.

When the plant started showing signs of moving, I looked elsewhere and found a job with Poulan chainsaw company. I continued to do design work as a senior product designer..I got a 30% pay increase, signing bonus, relocation package, they bought my home, life was good..and I settled in. 

I found out quicky that they were in serious need of tooling and equipment and wound up doing all the tooling design work for that plant. One job in particular stands out. Underwriter labs was pushing them to develop a method of measuring how quickly their chain brake stopped the chain.....The guy in charge of the project was failing badly, and the time line was short. He finally gave up and threw it in my lap, with 2 weeks to go. 

I was so sure he would fail, I already had the concept figured out in my head, and jumped on it. His basic holding fixture was good, so I used it....Added a radial transducer to the nose sprocket, and hooked it up to a laptop...A penumatic actuator would engage the chain brake, and send a signal to the laptop. When the chain stopped, the radial transducer stopped sending a signal to the laptop...A simple program calculated the time between the actuator energising, and the transducer stopping...The time was given in miliseconds....It was a rousing success, and UL was very pleased with the results....

For the remainder of my career I designed equipment for the NNCS...National Nuclear Safety Commission, a defense contractor building miniature spy submarines and robotic submarine mine sweepers, and assembly tooling and gages for Denso corporation...

I was lucky enough to invest in stock when I worked at Borg Warner. It split two for one, twice, and just before I retired I sold it for a 500% increase.....

I am comfortably retired, hope to have my home mortgage retired in 4 years, and enjoy trout fishing, and shooting. Arkansas is a concealed carry state and I am going to get my handgun carry permit in a few months.....

I am still married to the same woman, 47 years later, and we have a wonderful home life...I feel like I came a long way with just a highschool (12 year) education. Of course I picked up college courses on the way, statistical process control, robotics, electronics, CAD....etc. But for the most part I was on my own, and charted my own course......

I didn't even realise my extraordinary mechanical abilities until I started developing solutions to manufacturing problems on the job, but it developed quickly and my earnings grew along with it.

I can understand your wanting to advance your education, but if you get into a field that is results oriented, you can be successful without it...I carried a lot of people with MA,s on my back for years, and worked alongside PhD's as equals...You just need to find a field that fits your talents.......

I see lots of people getting degrees without any thought as to earning potential...I have a niece who majored in Japanese, who now sells pizza....And a nephew who took Spanish, in a country where Spanish speaking individuals are a dime a dozen....Choose your course work carefully, and go for the bucks...It is just as much work to earn a little money as a lot...In todays economy even lousy paying jobs require hard work....

I was lucky enough to find a field I absolutely loved, in which I excelled...One of my last managers actually said on my annual performance review "You made me look like a fuc%ing genius for hiring you"....

Look for a niche you enjoy working in and at which you can excell, and go for it......You may have to show them what you can do, before the money comes, but you will be earning as you go.

Always be willing to move when you top out in pay...It is easier to find a job that pays 10-20% more than to get that much in pay increases.....sad, but true....And always get the money in your starting salary, not in promises for the future...That future will never come......

good luck
the woodchuck


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