# surgery -what's fair to expect?



## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Greetings. I need some opinions. I have been married 12 years. My husband and I have been rocky - went through therapy - and he recently dropped out. I am still going. My husband is a good guy but tends to lack the "attentive gene". Just rough. Well, last year I had to have surgery to remove what appeared to be a malignant tumor. Thank God it wasn't. He did take off work to be there for my surgery. But only one day. When I developed an infection and needed to be rushed to Dr. I DEMANDED that he call his boss and tell them that he wasn't coming in. He almost didn't! Anyway - this was part of our therapy. 

Now, I have been to see specialists for reconstruction on this situation. It's reconstruction so it's with a plastic surgeon. he has been supportive of it. Well, he says he can't go to surgery with me. (It's out of town). I have to have general anesthesia. I am scared! He says he just can't get off work. So I lined up a sitter for our little ones and I am being forced to fly back the next day - all swollen and groggy so I can get back home to our kiddos and so he doesn't have to take time off work. 

He asked ME to do reschedule this surgery for summer - if I wanted him to be there. I can't do that....I need to get it done. I've already canceled once before. 

Now, I was just informed he is flying is mother in -- for a week -- and I will have to care for HER ...the week after my surgery. He said "i thought you'd be fine by then". 

I am more than mad. I was wondering if I am out of line? 

Thnx


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, it doesn't seem you're out of line. However, you don't give any details about his job situation, and whether it's reasonable/possible for him to take time off work. I would assume he's got a certain number of holiday days available, and a reasonable response would be to take them for something like this. But if he can't take the time off without risking his job, then what? 

Bringing his mom in for you to take care of a week after your surgery also seems unreasonable. What kind of care does she need? I would have thought bringing someone in who can HELP you with the kids would have been a better idea.

In general, it seems that communication is a big issue for you, and he's also taking you for granted. Prioritizing other people above your needs, when one would usually assume a spouse's (and childrens) needs above other people's.

C


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

We actually work at the same place. I know for a fact that he could definitely get the time off. In fact - out of the blue - he was capable of taking a day off to hang out with his mom. 

He definitely could take at least a day. It's just frustrating. His mom - she's just absolutely NO help. She doesn't even like her grandkids. She's a tough bird. She is capable of driving but refuses to ..in our town. She says it makes her nervous - so I have to cart her around. She does not like to care for anyone...and I won't leave the kids alone with her...I have done that before and I found my toddler near a glass table and her hot coffee. That was just when I wanted a bathroom break! No more... 

She even jokes that she doesn't know how my husband is alive - with her parenting skills. You get the picture.

My husband and I nearly seperated last time over his lack of attention to me...regarding my health. So it's been beat over his head in therapy. So this time - he's getting around it ...by saying "well, if you'd reschedule it"..."maybe I could go". I almost did that..but I realized after being burned once...that he has no plans to make it there with me. 

On a related note - he booked his mother's trip for her. So he was completely in control of the dates and times. He also knew that my nephew's baptism was going to be around that time (depending on the birth). Well - low and behold it happens to coincide. I told him...ok ...I'll just take the kiddos for one day (out of town) for the baptism and come right back the next day. He is forbidding me from taking the kids because it takes them away from my MIL. She's here for 8 days! He won't spare one...so my own family can see their grandkids? They NEVER get to see my side of the family. 

As you can see this whole thing is ripe with controversy. I am really upset and I am worried about handling it correctly. I am at the stage - enough is enough. I'm out the door.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is so far out of line. This is one of the main reasons I left my ex husband. He was not there for me and was very inconsiderate when I was very sick and had to have surgery. 

He needs to show you he deeply cares for you.

As for you not being able to take the children to see your family Pffft,

If I was you i would leave town for the whole 8 days and go and stay with your family, have them care for you the way you deserve to be and leave him and his mum to have time alone with him caring for her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why does he feel you're being a drama queen? Sounds like he isn't nearly as worried about your condition as you are. Why is there such a disconnect?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

The truth is ...I have been a door mat. It's been that way - and I don't like to make him angry...so I just accept everything. I have been able to just pretend it's all ok...until about a year ago.

So - now that I am communicating my needs..I am seeing his inattentive gene at face value. This is hard...because I have seen an improvement in his behavior. I really have. Been when the stuff hits the fan about something important...and it interferes with him or his family -- he will always choose his way ....first. 

That's the bottom line.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> The truth is ...I have been a door mat. It's been that way - and I don't like to make him angry...so I just accept everything. I have been able to just pretend it's all ok...until about a year ago.
> 
> So - now that I am communicating my needs..I am seeing his inattentive gene at face value. This is hard...because I have seen an improvement in his behavior. I really have. Been when the stuff hits the fan about something important...and it interferes with him or his family -- he will always choose his way ....first.
> 
> That's the bottom line.


I'd go stay with my family saying I needed after surgical care and he can entertain mama for her 8 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

His response to that ...was ok...then I am going to cancel my mother's trip. I'll just tell her that "you don't feel it's convenient for her to come". The problem is...she doesn't even know about my surgery. I was hoping to avoid detailing that to her... 

So now ...he wants to cancel her trip and blame me. But, he was very careful to be nice about it... "oh ok...that's fine. I will just cancel her trip. It wouldn't be worth it ..if she only got 7 days with the kids....instead of the whole time. Especially since you would be gone with them on a Saturday - when we could all be together." "I'll just tell her it's not convenient for her to visit - and I guess she won't see the kids until Christmas now!". 

I said...well I have asked you to take the kiddos to visit your parents ...several times....(if I had to work and he had time off - ie spring break) without me. I said have fun! Go! Enjoy your family - SEVERAL times in the last few months alone. I even offered to go along several times -when I could go. 

So...now what? I will be blamed forever..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

crazycat25 said:


> Now, I was just informed he is flying is mother in -- for a week -- and I will have to care for HER ...the week after my surgery. He said "i thought you'd be fine by then".


There's no way I would be taking care of his mom! I would be livid. In fact I would probably find some resort and leave for my recovery. 

My H is a lot like this with work. He wouldnt miss for anything. I think it has to do with his upbringing. my upbringing was much different.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

So I'm set to leave for my surgery. My husband has not even asked the name of the dr.... Where I'm staying... Where the surgery is taking place. He is just saying "stop worrying you will be fine". He also said the other day... When I was expressing my concern that I couldn't do this alone... "do you want me to call in sick to work and we can see If the sitter can watch the kids". I said ..ok well could you??? He said I'll see... Obviously that wasn't a real offer. He never said another thing about it.

So I'm going out of town for surgery. I'm have a 4 hour procedure under general. He has no idea where I'm going.. Who is treating me... Or even my hotel info. 

How would feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I should also mention I am the breadwinner. I make 3 times his salary. Yes he is a good employee (obviously) and not lazy. But he always pushes me for bigger houses and cars. He depends on me ... Financially. 

Would you leave the marriage? This is the second time he has acted like this surrounding my surgery. We talked about this in therapy! He just doesn't get it!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

It's like pulling teeth to get my husband to take off work for anything. But if I ask sweetly enough he will. It's all in the approach with my husband. If I DEMANDED anything he's going to dig in his heels and do nothing just to be passive aggressive. You deserve to be taken care of I'm just saying men don't like demands.

I used to be the breadwinner too and it sucked. He has champaign tastes on a beer budget and I'm more frugal. After 19 years of marriage I've learned a new word..."no". Right now we are living in an apartment because his pay was cut and I'm a homemaker. He keeps pushing me to buy another house (I'm a CPA and handle the finances). I sweetly with all the southern charm and respect I can muster say "no sweetie we can't afford it. We have debt to pay off, a downpayment to save up and THEN we will buy another house." He was cool with that answer I just have to keep repeating it.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you for your reply. But I will say I have never demanded. Never. I have asked as nicely as I could...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I would be devastated and seriously consider leaving. Did something happen in the marriage that pushed him away? Did something happen in his past that made him like this?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

It isn't the result of anything in the marriage. I remember 10 years ago I had to go for my biopsy results... For possible melanoma. My dad who was out of state sat on the phone in waiting room with me because I was terrified. My husband wouldn't take off work and I got his vm when I called him with the results. It was melanoma but they caught it early enough. I went to surgery alone for that too. He was great with maternity appts but has reverted right back again to his cold self. I'm just so sad and personally scared to be doing this all Alone. But he was in church with me last night and said he said a prayer for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Here's my update. On the night before my trip/surgery my husband chose to work extra. (not paid). He said he just wanted to put in extra effort. He had a choice. Then of course.. He didn't see me off or ask who my dr was... Where my surgery was ..or which hotel I would stay in. I hired a nurse to help me since I am alone..I didn't bother telling him. I had to have an EKG etc prior to surgery for a pre op visit. He knows I'm terrified of dr.s because of my medical scare. I got a text that said "don't worry so much". 

Now.. After surgery.. I'm getting text messages from him saying how his intense workouts are making him so hot. That I won't believe how "hot I'll be for him" when I return. Seriously! I just want to freak out. I look like I got backed over by a truck and feel like it too... So this is the treatment I get? Texts about how his 6 pack is growing and his arms are bulging? (he's skinny and scrawny.. But trying to build up). 

I'm sensitive because I'm sick and lonely. I need outside perspective. I miss my kids and the "family atmosphere" but I certainly could do without this awful treatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I am not being flip about this. I mean it. 

I think if I were you I would head straight to my family's house, ask if I could be sick there for a day or two, then go back home and pack the kids and bring them back with me. Then tell him when he is willing to be there for you and your surgery, you'll consider being there for him financially for all the bills. Let him stew in it for a month or two. 

Seriously--you're out of the house, he doesn't know where you are, and I can not IMAGINE returning to a marriage like that. Either he learns to "get it" or "figures it out"...or stay separated for a while! MAN!  

BTW...let your mama take care of you. Chances are good she'll love it.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. The only problem is that I can't go to my family's house. My Mom is helping my sister with a newborn and she said she can't help me right now. (she's out of state). I wish I could... I just miss my kids and I'm feeling pretty down about it all. I think my husband knows that he ha prevented me from having a lot of friends or staying with family often (ie baptism) ... So he knows I have no one else. 




Affaircare said:


> I am not being flip about this. I mean it.
> 
> I think if I were you I would head straight to my family's house, ask if I could be sick there for a day or two, then go back home and pack the kids and bring them back with me. Then tell him when he is willing to be there for you and your surgery, you'll consider being there for him financially for all the bills. Let him stew in it for a month or two.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am very sorry your husband is doing this. You really do deserve better.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you - I suppose I just find myself questioning if this is worth breaking up a marriage for...should I just live like this ...knowing it won't change and that I just have a husband who doesn't really want to be there for me? I want my children to have a father -in the household. But, I just cringe when I think of having to deal with this forever. I swear to God when I was planning my surgery -I told my husband the dates and flight information. He said - so I guess that means we aren't going to be able to have date night on Saturday, huh? We go on a date EVERY saturday night. We go to dinner and movie...and we don't really talk very much. 

I can promise you that we have dealt with this SAME issue before. We went through therapy -- he improved in little ways - but as you can see from this exchange - he's never going to REALLY change. He just pretends to. So, if I separate from him for a month or so...it will just be more of the "oh i'm sorry - I feel like a failure" stuff...and then I would take him back (i'm weak). In a few months it will happen again - in a different form. 

I just find myself taking all of this - because I want to keep our family together. But, at what expense?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Thank you - I suppose I just find myself questioning if this is worth breaking up a marriage for...should I just live like this ...knowing it won't change and that I just have a husband who doesn't really want to be there for me? *I want my children to have a father -in the household*. But, I just cringe when I think of having to deal with this forever.
> 
> I just find myself taking all of this - *because I want to keep our family together. * But, at what expense?


I always wonder the same thing when I read posts like this, so I'm just going to ask it out loud. And since I know that tone doesn't always come across in posts like this, let me assure you that I ask this in all sincerity.

When someone is describing a relationship like yours, WHY is it so important to have a father in the house? Is he a terrible husband, yet so amazing as a father (while he isn't taking your kids to visit his parents and requiring a sitter the whole time you're away for surgery), that to separate them is simply heartbreaking? Or is it just difficult to let go of that picture we have of how we're "supposed" to do things--2 parents, 2.5 kids, a mini-van and a dog behind the picket fence, sort of thing?

From the outside, it seems to me that when the lack of consideration and basic respect is so egregious and attempts to fix things again and again haven't worked--that it's a far better alternative for kids to have at least one happy, healthy parent (if not two) that don't live together as opposed to watching two adults treat each other miserably so that they can learn to do the same thing when they grow up.

I see these same phrases repeated so often, that I really do wonder again and again just what drives that feeling that seems to be so deeply ingrained? Admittedly, I don't have children, so it may be one of those things that's "different if they're yours" or whatever, but I think it bears some thought.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I always wonder the same thing when I read posts like this, so I'm just going to ask it out loud. And since I know that tone doesn't always come across in posts like this, let me assure you that I ask this in all sincerity.
> 
> When someone is describing a relationship like yours, WHY is it so important to have a father in the house? Is he a terrible husband, yet so amazing as a father (while he isn't taking your kids to visit his parents and requiring a sitter the whole time you're away for surgery), that to separate them is simply heartbreaking? Or is it just difficult to let go of that picture we have of how we're "supposed" to do things--2 parents, 2.5 kids, a mini-van and a dog behind the picket fence, sort of thing?
> 
> ...


I would agree with you... I think a key thing that many people don't think about is what kind of relationship are they teaching their kids to have. Do you want your kids to grow up like their dad (in this case)? Most likely not. If you saw that kind of behaviour in someone your daughter was dating seriously, you'd likely warn her about it. The same with a spouse who won't show affection... What does that teach the kids?

And I DO have kids, and this was all some of the things running through my head as I decided to separate. Having two parents that are unhappy in a relationship is not always the best thing, IMHO. 

I'm not advocating separation and divorce, but staying together "for the kid's sake" is a weak argument, to me. Love your kids, treat and teach them well, do what's right for you, and go from there.

C


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

No I understand what you are saying. I do. But I also see how much our son enjoys the dad time. And I think in some ways having 2 parents is more of a support system. I wonder if I could hack it on my own. But I guess that's a stupid question since I just did in the WORST of circumstances. My husband is mad because I hired a nurse to help me. Says if he would have known THAT he would have come. That's nonsense. He would of just told me I had to reschedule again to make me feel guilty for spending the extra 500 bucks. But I needed someone there for me. He wasn't.. So hired a nurse! Money well spent. He just said... Well I guess that's where my next overtime check is going... Great. 

I see his point. But I didn't have a choice. Now would I be better off alone? I don't know. Maybe so. I think your point is very valid. And I believe that part of staying together for "the kids" is fear on the spouses part (mine in this case) that I'll never live up to my own expectations... Without him. 

I'm pretty beaten down. Now I'm losing my fight. I had myself convinced earlier today that I was being selfish for having this done... See the power of words and guilt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Humph...seems to me that I'd just HAVE to say something like, "oh don't worry babe, I don't need your little check to cover the nurse I hired while I had major surgery out of town all by myself...my check will more than cover a tiny splurge like that!"

But I'm just snarky like that...and can't imagine letting someone think they can yank my chain like that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This man will never be there for you no matter what you go thru. Can you live like that?

He sounds like a narcissists, could he be? Feeling for no one, but himself.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

crazycat25 said:


> Here's my update. On the night before my trip/surgery my husband chose to work extra. (not paid). He said he just wanted to put in extra effort. He had a choice. Then of course.. He didn't see me off or ask who my dr was... Where my surgery was ..or which hotel I would stay in. I hired a nurse to help me since I am alone..I didn't bother telling him. I had to have an EKG etc prior to surgery for a pre op visit. He knows I'm terrified of dr.s because of my medical scare. I got a text that said "don't worry so much".
> 
> Now.. After surgery.. I'm getting text messages from him saying how his intense workouts are making him so hot. That I won't believe how "hot I'll be for him" when I return. Seriously! I just want to freak out. I look like I got backed over by a truck and feel like it too... So this is the treatment I get? Texts about how his 6 pack is growing and his arms are bulging? (he's skinny and scrawny.. But trying to build up).
> 
> ...


I made an account just to respond to this, because I feel like you've gotten some bad advice, and that a shift in perspective might make you feel more positive. I might be wrong, mind you.

You've mentioned a few times, specifically when you're having health problems, that your husband hasn't been there for you. To me this suggests that maybe he has some trouble dealing with hospitals, or just with you having those issues. Maybe he really cares for you, but he feels like he's being strong by telling you that you will be fine, and so on; and not being there could even be a message he's trying to send, that you don't need him. Maybe he's concerned he couldn't be as strong in person. If you prefer to look at it another way, maybe he would be less "manly" if he showed that he has trouble with hospitals or with considering the idea that you might not be okay.

Another thing you mention is his work. For many men, it's upsetting if a woman is the main breadwinner in the family. Perhaps he is trying to move forward in the company, or subconsciously trying to prove that he is working just as hard to support his family. I think it would be especially difficult for such a man to work at the same company as his wife. He would be reminded every day of his self-perceived inadequacy. Working instead of being there for you may be his way of showing that he cares and is trying to hold everything together.

I realize he's not giving you what you need, even though you've expressed it clearly - and I'm not saying that's okay. But, it also doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. It seems very likely to me that he really does care, and is doing what subconsciously seems best to him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some men are just not good in the empathy area. My STBXH is one of those (that's not why I'm divorcing him). 

I have been through several serious surgeries during my marriage. Alone. I was perfectly fine with that but you obviously aren't. So you need to ask yourself if you can be happy for the rest of your life with a man who seems to lack empathy.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Faiora said:


> I made an account just to respond to this, because I feel like you've gotten some bad advice, and that a shift in perspective might make you feel more positive. I might be wrong, mind you.


You resurrected a discussion from 2 years ago...The original poster hasn't posted here since 2011.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> You resurrected a discussion from 2 years ago...The original poster hasn't posted here since 2011.


Argh... how did I manage to do that? I wasn't searching for the thread or anything... I thought I picked from the list of recents. 

Sorry guys >.>;;

But, on a note still related to the thread... It seems like in some ways (or in some scenarios), it can be unhealthy to request advice from the general public or on an online forum. People naturally jump to conclusions based on their own experiences, and can have a very biased, often negative view of things. I don't think it's necessarily good for someone to hear "your husband obviously doesn't care about you" when that might not be the case at all. 

Anyway. Sorry again for bumping an old post.


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