# What did you learn on Valentine's Day



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I know what I learned, while I am highly sexually attracted to her and I do care for her very much I just don't have that spark like I did before.
I am sure the sex thing is because she is a beautiful woman and I am a man with a pulse and we live in the same space sleep in the same bed so there is a closeness between us.
The length of our marriage, the kids, the history we had I can't see myself ever not caring for her.
That said that little extra that pushes you to be completely in love, giving your total dedication to another just isn't there and I wonder if it will ever be like it was.
It is sad because you wonder if you can hold on it will come back, but the doubt comes and is it a waste of time? I am 40 in 5-10 years I don't want to look back and say what a waste not that life is over at 50 , I think most finally get comfortable in their own skin and learn to appreciate more around them but giving up all those years. Then I think maybe this is the dip in life's road and the best is in front of us so much unknown, so many questions.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

well said


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I love being single.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I learned that my STBXW didn't go anywhere to see the OM. That my mind is my worst enemy in these things. 

That I truly need her to GTFO so I can stop wondering and move on with my life.

That maybe this might be the start of something good for me and my kids. That I truly might find someone who really wants to be with me. That my whole life might take a turn I never expected and it might be good.

I know thats a bunch to happen in one day, but it did.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

love=pain said:


> I know what I learned, while I am highly sexually attracted to her and I do care for her very much I just don't have that spark like I did before.
> I am sure the sex thing is because she is a beautiful woman and I am a man with a pulse and we live in the same space sleep in the same bed so there is a closeness between us.
> The length of our marriage, the kids, the history we had I can't see myself ever not caring for her.
> That said that little extra that pushes you to be completely in love, giving your total dedication to another just isn't there and I wonder if it will ever be like it was.
> It is sad because you wonder if you can hold on it will come back, but the doubt comes and is it a waste of time? I am 40 in 5-10 years I don't want to look back and say what a waste not that life is over at 50 , I think most finally get comfortable in their own skin and learn to appreciate more around them but giving up all those years. Then I think maybe this is the dip in life's road and the best is in front of us so much unknown, so many questions.


Couldnt have said it better myself. I'll be 40 next month. Its a very sad feeling to look at my WH and wonder the same things you just said. Sometimes I look at him and love him the same as I did before all of this and others I feel like Im a fool who is going to get hurt in the end. Is it really worth it? I dont know? Today it is! Tomorrow I dont know?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Regret turned 43 yesterday. I'll be 45 in a week. What I learned is that life is too f'ng short and if you're gonna do anything, do it with everything you have.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I learned my mother in law has no common sense and issues with keeping boundaries.

I learned that sometimes there is just too much pain to feel anuything.

I learned that anything related to us can trigger me.

[email protected], at least I learned that my kid is the most amazing thing we could have done together. Maybe that was the only reason we were ever together - to create him and that is over and done?


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

I learned that my WH did not put any thought into valentine's day and rushed out to the grocery store to get me a stupid card, after i got home from work. This definately shows me he isn't fully into making things work and we are in a false R.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

That using a "Buy one entree and get one free" from Denny's does not impress.


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

I did not think a second of my STBXW. Did not care much for this holiday anyways


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> That using a "Buy one entree and get one free" from Denny's does not impress.


LMAO!!! Someone owes me a soda since mine just shot out my left nostril.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> That using a "Buy one entree and get one free" from Denny's does not impress.


It would impress me! I love Denny's, and I am all for saving $$ so we can spend it on something else too  I'm a cheap date :smthumbup:


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I learned that my husband does not want to be married to me, but wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. He actually apologized to me for saying that, but it honestly made me happy. I do not want to D, but I get where I have made marriage and the vows we made to each other seem pointless to him. The bigger deal than whether we are technically married or not is that, in spite of what I've put him through, he still wants me with him. And hearing that made it the best Valentines that I've had in years.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> I learned that my husband does not want to be married to me, but wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. He actually apologized to me for saying that, but it honestly made me happy. I do not want to D, but I get where I have made marriage and the vows we made to each other seem pointless to him. The bigger deal than whether we are technically married or not is that, in spite of what I've put him through, he still wants me with him. And hearing that made it the best Valentines that I've had in years.


so he wants a D and to live together??? Whats the point?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I learned that what I hate most about V-day is buying a card. This is the same for my H's b-day which was Sunday and for our anniversary. The way these cards are written..."To my loving husband...I can't imagine my life without you...you bring such joy and happiness into my life...I'm so lucky to be able to share my life with you...you are a wonderful husband and father...My love for you grows stronger each day..." 

I pick up and quickly put down every card in the section...then I go back and find the one that's the least of a stretch of my feelings for him. It sounds very harsh...it's been this way for many, many years. I used to read the cards and wonder what was wrong with me...why don't I feel the things they say? It makes me sad that I often have to resort to buying "funny" cards or cards that say very generic things because I don't feel that kind of passionate love and connection. Very sad.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

That I am still flying with a broken wing...That I will never know what postcards and gifts she got for Valentines' Day and what a fool I was thinking every pertinent love song was for me, that I was special to someone. How inconsolable I really am.

How to separate the ingredients from a cake that was already baked; never knowing where I ended and where she began. Hating him for baking a cake of three and mixing me in without my consent. How I thank God, that I believe in Him, because I would show no restraint on the vengeance I used to conjure up mentally and without Him, did not become an actuality. Grieving continues from my choices being taken away from me. The sting persists even 2 years later.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)




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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> so he wants a D and to live together??? Whats the point?


I think for him, in that situation, we would be together out of choice instead of obligation. It would also make it much easier for him to walk away if I ever gave him reason to. 

I am not saying that I want a divorce (I don't; I want to be married to him), but after 8 months of him being unsure of whether he wants to be with me or not, it was extremely significant to me to hear that he wants to live and be with me -not just because we have kids, but because he wants to be with me. 

So it wasn't the thing I most wanted him to say, but it is a hell of a lot better than the ambivalence I've gotten for 8 months, so I'll take it and focus on the positives.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I learned that, in spite of the fact that I'm about to divorce his father, my grown step-son still sees me as his "Mom", and gave me a vase of flowers and a box of candy. I thought that was sweet and it touched my heart. 

That being said, my bio-child, that loving son I gave birth to and nurtured from day 1 and who is currently away at college (and who has always hated the commercialization of Valentines Day), as expected, ignored it. However, he did send me a text late at night to call him tomorrow (today). :rofl:

And last, but certainly not least, the "love of my life"  my stbxh sent me nothing, and I sent him nothing.

All in all, it was as I expected it to be, so I was not disappointed.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I learned (after much thought and typing on another thread), that if my hubs affair didn't happen, we may very well be worse off than we are now.

I say that not because I am thankful of the affair, (NEVER WOULD THINK OR SAY THAT), but because if I am being completely honest, I can look back and see that no change would have taken place, and we were both unhappy. We had sufferend 2 deaths in the family and that didn't bring us closer together. We had to suffer the near death of our own family for him to wake up and begin to change into the man, husband, father and friend he should have been all along. It took that for me to wake up and find myself and realize that I can have it all, that I deserve just as much as everyone else and that I am spirited and fun and I CAN BE HAPPY!

God help me if he backslides or has hidden anything from me these last 11 months, but if we continue the path we are on, I will have lived a happy life.

I learned that there are moments when I love my hubs like I did when we first met, perhaps because I am seeing a new man emerge day by day. There are still moments that I trigger and I hate him fo what he did. There are more moments that are good than bad, and there have been some really great moments that have taken my breath away. 

Its not because it was Valentines day. It was because it was a day we celebrated with our girls and then took the time for us to do what we like to do....play Call of Duty (yep - newbie gamer here - 10 kills and 1 assist last night - new high), and just enjoy each other with no judgement. Today I am in love with my husband.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I learned I still have triggers and they still sting badly. 

Been divorced for a over a year now, I feel very little or nothing for the most part. She's still with OM. I don't hear of him or see him, but know he's in the background. Thought her behavior indicates pretty clearly that it's rocky and the fog isn't there. She's also mentioned how badly she "f*cked up" and what a mistake she made. I just blow those comments off. Just feel tiny twangs, but largely nothing. 

Then...

Picked up my son at XW's apartment last night (per usual Wednesday). 

She comes to the door in what is obviously a brand new VDay present... a T-Shirt that says simply "In Love" across the front...

Dunno why that felt like a punch in the chest.

Meh.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I learned I still have triggers and they still sting badly.
> 
> Been divorced for a over a year now, I feel very little or nothing for the most part. She's still with OM. I don't hear of him or see him, but know he's in the background. Thought her behavior indicates pretty clearly that it's rocky and the fog isn't there. She's also mentioned how badly she "f*cked up" and what a mistake she made. I just blow those comments off. Just feel tiny twangs, but largely nothing.
> 
> ...


Pit - the OM probably bought that for her and she had to wear it - tacky. If she bought it and decided to wear it - tacky. Next thing you know they will be wearing matching Christmas sweaters - tacky.

You bet she knows she f*d up. And that you don't feel much about her in general - you are getting there. You have much to offer, and I bet next year on Valentines, someone worthy will be wearing your T-shirt :smthumbup:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Pit - the OM probably bought that for her and she had to wear it - tacky. If she bought it and decided to wear it - tacky.


She didn't have to, he wasn't there (at her apt) and she knew i was at the door, coulda changed shirts... took her awhile to get to the door, funny maybe she did change.. Into it. LOL. whatever. 



LookingForTheSun said:


> I bet next year on Valentines, someone worthy will be wearing your T-shirt :smthumbup:


Lol. Doubtful. Extremely doubtful.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My ex never made a big deal out of Valentine's day. He'd just get me chocolates and a card and I was fine with that as I never cared much for Valentine's Day out of high school. Still, I thought this Valentine's Day would bug me as it's my first one alone in 11 years. I felt nothing. Yesterday was even a good day for me and Valentine's Day didn't cross my mind too much. 


The ex came over and fixed my toilet so that was fitting. He also took our oldest sledding and set up my house phone. And I just spent the evening watching movies and having a "slumber party" in the living room with my boys. 

So I guess I learned that Valentine's Day can be just any other day for me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I am handling it better, but still catch myself. This is my 3rd Valentine’s day after DD. Like most, it is hard to muster excitement about celebrating ‘forever’ love after being betrayed. My wife asked if we wanted to do anything special. I said ‘no’... And got exactly that boilerplate; Card, some chocolate and we took the kids out to a movie for a nice family night. No sex, no lovely stuff... just a ‘non-event’ night.

And I found myself diving down the rabbit hole regardless. How dare she NOT figure out how to express her love for me after what she’s done!!! I want grand expressions!!! How could she sit there pretending nothing is special about this day!!!

So what I learned... again... is that I need express myself and let her do whatever she wants with that information. I should not have told her ‘how to act’ then get annoyed because she does it. I should have told her, “I want to know how you feel about me.” And then just sat back and let her figure out what the plan would be. 

Because I told her what I expected, I ended up resenting her. It’s silly as hell too. She did quite a lot to make it feel like an almost completely normal day. And I find myself resentful she didn’t take the opportunity of that day to express how she really feels. I’ll probably sit down with her and talk about the insanity I go through that is not rational. At least this year I’m not bashing her in my head and recognize my own role in how things played out.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

I learned that Valentines in just another day. It was my first spent alone in 5 almost 6 years. I thought it would be hell...it was surprisingly good though. I did mourn the life I once had, but it made me grateful that I don't have to put up with STBXH bull**** anymore. I have had no contact in 10 days and it has really helped me to detach emotionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> My ex never made a big deal out of Valentine's day. He'd just get me chocolates and a card and I was fine with that as I never cared much for Valentine's Day out of high school. Still, I thought this Valentine's Day would bug me as it's my first one alone in 11 years. I felt nothing. Yesterday was even a good day for me and Valentine's Day didn't cross my mind too much.
> 
> 
> The ex came over and fixed my toilet so that was fitting. He also took our oldest sledding and set up my house phone. And I just spent the evening watching movies and having a "slumber party" in the living room with my boys.
> ...


It sounds like you had a great Valentines. What's more fitting then spending it with the two men/boys in your life that are deserving of your love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

This was our first Valentine's after DDay & I realized that my H is _sincerely trying_. Totally spoiled me...roses sent to my office, card, candy, jewelry, romantic dinner, foot massage &... 

He realizes how badly he messed up & has been changing into the H & father he should have been all along. Does it erase the A? By no means, it is still & will probably always linger in the back of my mind. But do I throw away 20 years & crush the hearts of 3 innocent children? No. Not when my H is being transparent & making a huge effort to salvage our marriage. Valentine's for me was an example of a positive future that lies ahead.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

It sorta went like this...

A card arrived, written in his very distinctive writing, full of love and affection. Did I contact him and thank him for it? Nope.

So today he calls me. Wants to know if I got the card. Yup, I got it. Long silence whilst he waits for me to thank him. Yeah right, don't hold your breath on that.

I ask if the supermarket were doing 'buy one, get one free' on Valentine's cards' so that he could send one to the latest squeeze too. And then I hung up.

This is a very intelligent man. How come he got to be so profoundly idiotic and stupid. That's one of them rhetorical questions...


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

In years past MrsM and I enjoyed staying home and cooking something new, usually a complicated recipe that required some teamwork. Really great memories.

Last year was a time-crunched clusterfvck as we got home late, had a kid underfoot, MrsM had to rush off to a music club meeting, and the recipe was nothing special. I think some scallops or asparagus may have been dropped on the floor- things were probably thrown after that happened. It was horrible. I think it is very safe to say she was in her EA at this point last year. I vowed not to celebrate Vday in 2013.

MrsM and I ended up going to dinner at a relatively new restaurant nearby. Good experience overall, I enjoyed the best creme brûlée I've ever had. Even though we agreed to not give gifts/cards she ended up getting me one anyway. Among other things it read "I do love you." Since do was underlined she must mean it this time. 

I believe it was our first night out since the awkward, strange 'date' we had after Dday1, shortly before or shortly after her poor little OM showed up at her office and broke NC. 

I don't think either of us were particularly anxious or uneasy, but a comment MrsM made about being a 'wh0re' at dinner sort of derailed the night for me. 

I can't even say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" to her. Something died in me on Dday2. I don't feel happy around her anymore, no matter what we do... and I'm not sure if I can get that back. I said I didn't love her anymore on the car ride home. On Valentines's Day... what a jerk I am. She didn't seem surprised. 

Love is such a meaningless word I don't think it can express anything at all to me anymore. I just know I'm not happy, and any desire to hysterically bond is just gone. 

Drove the babysitter home, had a little talk with MrsM I barely remember, same old statements, same old dialogue, same tone of delivery I heard before, during, and after FalseR. After a little while the zzQuil kicked in and I fell asleep. No sex- just like last year, except this time I don't care.

My ExW texted me a valentine too. Joy!


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I learned how to make chocolate from scratch, and treated the most important person in my life to them: myself. 
I'm half a pound of chocolate in, and have no regrets. When they find me dead from a fat/sugar overdose, tell my family:
"It was SO worth it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

DrMathias said:


> In years past MrsM and I enjoyed staying home and cooking something new, usually a complicated recipe that required some teamwork. Really great memories.
> 
> Last year was a time-crunched clusterfvck as we got home late, had a kid underfoot, MrsM had to rush off to a music club meeting, and the recipe was nothing special. I think some scallops or asparagus may have been dropped on the floor- things were probably thrown after that happened. It was horrible. I think it is very safe to say she was in her EA at this point last year. I vowed not to celebrate Vday in 2013.
> 
> ...


I have a question for you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. But why do you continue staying in the situation with MrsM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I learned that as has been told to me, that maybe really my xw's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. Divorced for a year and a half, 8 months into a relationship with a great woman I could not of had a better Valentines Day, and not just because the sex was awesome. You see, I had a couple bad days this week, not necessarily her fault, but kinda taking it out on her. During dinner, after the entree, but before the Bananas Foster, I opened up to her. I told her what was on my mind, why I had been the way I was. I said that I wanted to have my own "State of the Union" address, our "Union". I started in, and she was listening, really listening, and finishing a number of my sentences! She felt the same way, that we needed to always remember that we need to work on our relationship. Needed to open up to the other person when something bothered us! You see, I lived 30 years with the Queen of passive agressiveness, and had learned from her how to "handle" things. I pledged to myself when I started dating to never go that route again! Not easy for me, a real struggle to open up. But I did, and it felt great! I dreaded the conversation but once we started felt the weight coming off my shoulders. Can only hope that it will be even easier next time I need to "unload". I am a far better person that I was before, and am in a relationship with a beautiful, caring woman, one who loves me and WANTS to be with me! That is what I learned this Valentines Day!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I learned that despite having a good V-day all day long, there's always time to ruin it with a good fight at 11pm.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Kaya62003 said:


> I have a question for you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. But why do you continue staying in the situation with MrsM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't usually feel hate, like most people seem to feel for their DS. Although there are times. My son really wants her around, and me around. There was a time I thought he could weather a D easily but I don't think so now. We have 'easiness' around each other, always have. History. There's another important factor I can't reveal, it's a big one. 

I believe in myself enough to know I could work through this if I choose to. I just don't know if I can re-kindle, find by chance, or even force a 'feeling'. I guess I'm not in a big hurry to do anything drastic.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

I learned that as long as I stay in the marriage, I am always going to feel inadequate. Yes, the dinner came out to over $200, but when I think of all he has spent on other women, I can't help but feel less than. Which I am not. Therefore, I am still moving on with a divorce. It's never going to be the same. It's impossible. The more I look, the more I find, It's really over, and I'm glad. I want to move on to bigger and better things.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

After re reading my post and all that followed I must say to anyone who had a bad day that I feel for you I think everyone here does. 
While my thoughts about yesterday were kinda of depressing I must say that the day wasn't bad just different.
I wasn't going to do anything but I did think of the kids didn't want them to catch on to anything, last year I did the flowers and all that then found out she slept with some one before the flowers had died the of course the other confessions that followed.
But I did decide to just go ahead do it and worry about being tore up later, so I sent her flowers and candy then took her out for a nice dinner.
During dinner she took my hand and told me how sorry she was for all of this, how she didn't deserve the chance I had given her, and with everything she had done I shouldn't even be with her or treat her the way I did on V Day. Made me feel really good and does give me hope for the future (she has been very remorseful from the start and has said these things to me before) that maybe that spark will come back.
Still I have my doubts with all that I have learned about the true person she is or was and what she was willing to give up to cope with her self esteem issues. The betrayed always seem to be in a state of neutral or move very slowly forward funny how fast things can go backward in a hurry.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Eating an entire box of chocolates is good
People really suck up to you when you're the boss (more chocolates)
People who don't know you are the boss treat you like dirt on their shoe if they think you rank lower than they do
I'm so glad to run my own company and this consulting gig will be done in a week
Most offices are extremely dysfunctional


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I learned a couple of things:
- my hubby is the best hubby in the world. He made it a very special day
- just because football season isn't on doesn't mean you can't talk about football. We spent a couple of hours imagining how best to analyze quarterbacks thought processes as they execute a play.
- if you have too much beer, you fall asleep before you can have sex. I am such a loser.
- that my hubby is the most understanding man in the entire world. When I fell asleep he just took off my glasses and tucked me in, then woke up early this morning to make up for it  
- that steak is definitely going to be on the menu on March 14


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I learned that I no longer care about Valentines day. It's just a day. My wife bought me a card and chocolates. Would have been nice except i am prediabetic and have a sugar addiction. I learned my wife is there but I am not. I learned that I am close to graduating college but I find my self doubting the future. My wife and I talk but my wife take everything and spins it on her. We have a little girl on the way. My wife thinks I don't like the name she picked out because she likes it. I am realizing that I have more fun at work and at home without my wife pregnant or not. I remember the lines I put in the sand to keep our marriage together and she has danced around them. I find that we are further apart and that she is becoming the opposite of what she protrayed her self to be. I am watching my wife turn into my mother in law and getting further and futher from the person I know her to be. She is mad that I have talked about the stupid stuff she has done in her past to our friends. they are our friends still and yet my wife has to keep her "secrets" . I wasn't raised that way, I wasn't raised to hide my mistakes and stories that helped shape me into who I am. 
I was raised that you don't pat yourself on the back, you work hard enough and someone else does it for you. My wife sees all the milestones she has achieved and yet someone so close to her as me only sees the masks she wears and the rugs she uses to hide her failures and to give her she self given milestones. 
I find myself happy with my son. He is my happiness now. I am facing a grim reality that my wife cares for me but cares more for her reputation. It's been awhile since I opend up on here. I was hoping to share my reconciliation story. The triumph , the reassurance, the hope, I find that I am numb to it all. My wife has been faithful since the incident yet I feel that she wants to fall back to the old marriage. That I will not do and she knows I won't do the heavy lifting. So the problems are just sittting there out in the open. I go to see the councilor Tues. It will be my first time. I find my self strangley excited about that and i guess that is all I figured out on Valentine's day.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I'm not sure what to think of mine. A few years ago I separated from my wife (20 year marriage, 2 kids -11 & 8). Long story but I felt that I HAD to do it to take control of our lives and have any hope of making our marriage work. Hardest thing I ever did. We are now back together and in the process of rebuilding our marriage. One issue that is under wraps and never talked about is that I have long ago lost my physical attraction for my wife. Some have seen my story but I promised to start a thread on it because I need advice ... the short story is that she has grown to about 330lbs and no matter my feelings are for her as a person, I am not and never have been attracted to morbidly obese women. Keep in mind she was 165lbs when I married her and I thought she was extremely attractive so I'm not the kind of guy who thought I was marrying a model and now want to kick her to the curb for gaining 30 lbs after having my children. Her weight is NOT due to a medical condition or child bearing or even a slow metabolism ... it is because of neglect. I love her and I don't want to hurt her but I can't look at her and find attraction. Those are words I keep to myself although I'm sure she knows it. The worst part is that our emotional connection suffers a great deal from the lack of a physical connection. We lack intimacy and that pushes us apart. We've become roommates.

So, V-Day was difficult due to our schedules. It was a Thursday and as normal I stay a little later at my office and then pickup my oldest from dance practice which is close by. She takes my other daughter out for mother-daughter date night as normal. My wife is in school to become a teacher and is student-teaching at the moment so she gets up very early to head to a school in another county while I get the girls ready for school. Not much of an opportunity to spend time together early in the day or even to meet for lunch. After dance, my daughter usually has homework to finish when we get home while I get everything ready for everybody for the next day and my wife works on her lesson plans. In short, Thursdays for us are a bad time for V-Day. 

We follow our normal routine except that I had bought gifts for my girls and my wife. My girls had made gifts for the both of us so we take a break and exchange. My girls are excited and give us hugs and kisses and then my wife disappears to finish her lesson plan. She asks me to put the girls to bed so me and the girls head upstairs. The girls are tucked in and I come downstairs. My wife is done with her lesson plan and in the kitchen so I head in there. She leaves the kitchen, saying goodnight as she disappears towards the stairs. I stand there thinking ... man, just like every other night. See, when she does that, it is NOT an invitation to follow her. We sleep in separate bedrooms because her weight related health problems make it impossible to sleep together. She closes her bedroom door and locks it as usual. The light goes out and her sleep machine is on. No thank you for the gift, no hug, no kiss, no happy valentines day, nothing. 

I wasn't thinking sex but even though I'm not attracted to her, valentines day just seems to be made for moments of intimacy. I shouldn't have expected anything different because what it comes down to is MY problem with her weight. She's learned to accept herself the way she is and part of that is being a "large" woman. When she left the kitchen, I gather my thoughts and start heading up the stairs ... only to see her light go off. Sleep machine is on. Oh well ... it's not on Darth Vader's mind tonight. So, I get on TAM for a little while but frankly all these stories of how great their sex was on V-Day got me a little depressed. When I read about other people getting their freak on and how many orgasms they had or what positions they tried, I can be objectively happy for them but it sure does highlight how alone I feel much of the time. I left the house, late at night, to take a drive. Sometimes a drive helps me clear my head but it didn't this night. I started thinking divorce. I started to think that no matter how I feel about my wife as a person, a person with a good heart and character, I just can't continue living like this. I can't spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, even if it is my problem that I don't find her attractive. The terrible thing is that I KNOW that this isn't fair to her. She needs to feel wanted and loved too. I do love her and I want that for her. I know she feels just as alone and disconnected as I do. I'm such a sh!t.

I started working out the logistics. She has been a stay-at-home for 10 years, so I have to pay alimony if we divorce. I make a good salary but when we separated I discovered when consulting a lawyer that I could barely afford to live on what was left over. Not good. She will be working probably starting next school year so she would no longer qualify for alimony at that point. During our separation she threatened to take our kids and live with her family in Texas. This was a real threat and I believe if I divorced her, she would do this. That means quitting a job I love and moving somewhere that I have no friends ... only in-laws who would be unlikely to invite me over for a get-together, lol. Starting over in just about every aspect of my life at 45 yrs old. If I divorce before she is working, she will move unless I can get a court order to stop her and that will make the divorce bitter and even more harmful to the children. She will need to get some experience under her belt so if she starts working then it is unlikely she will quit and move to Texas. So, I ask for a divorce a year from now when she is solidly in her job. I'm doing the math in my head ... ok, a year from now and then 6 months for the divorce and then probably another 6 months before I'm even ready to date for real (I'm not a bang strange from the bar kind of guy - not in my makeup, I guess ... but who knows, it's been over 20 years since I've even had the opportunity) ... so, I'm thinking ok ... 2 more years of no intimacy before I have the chance again. I admit I started to choke up a little bit with that thought. Just doesn't seem fair.

Today was a bad day. I was just unmotivated and I struggled to get done what I needed to get done. I ruminated over how bad my life has become. I know I should be thankful that I have a good person as a wife, a great job, two daughters who are the best a father could hope for ... and yet I feel entirely empty and disconnected. I browsed TAM for awhile and made some comments, following a thread about infidelity ... something I had mixed feelings about because I really hate what this man's wife is doing to him and I can't imagine the pain he's going through ... but at the same time, it is different because there is hope on the other side. From my objective seat in cyberspace, I can see that his life is going to be better once he gets past this terrible place in his life. He will move on and find someone great ... he just can't grasp it yet. I don't feel that hope about my future. I was sitting there contemplating another two years with no intimacy in my life while everybody else is "enjoying each other" and I was feeling quite sorry for myself. A pity party.

How the heck did I get here? Then I saw a comment referring to alpha/beta guys. I never put much stock into anything I've read about it ... I'm not a doormat so what does it have to do with me? Honestly, I haven't read enough about it to know if I put stock in it. Then I saw a comment that struck a chord ... that a beta guy will sit there wondering (forever) why his wife doesn't recognize on her own what he's feeling and that she needs to make changes. I normally call that communication or lack thereof but whatever. I thought ... dammit that's me. I thought of my parents. My parents are both well educated (mom is Ivy League), christian people ... but my mom treats my dad like her b!tch. Really, she does and has for 45 years. When she says jump, he asks how far? Now, I love my dad. He is a wonderful, kind, generous man. He is wise and trustworthy. He is a man of quiet strength who is liked by everybody ... but I've always resented him for letting my mom run all over him and even more so when he let my mom cross the line with us kids ... a line that involves verbal and/or physical abuse. He stood up for mom, not for us. He is a beta. I am my dad in a lot of ways. I sound exactly like him and act a lot like him. My wife will frequently stop me and say "that is something your dad would say" or "you sounded exactly like your dad just then". Heck I even furrow my eyebrows and scratch a spot on the back of my head when I'm deep in thought ... just like my dad. It's comical. My wife is not the alpha my mom is but I know I can sometimes be the beta my dad is. I thought .. really? Am I my dad? As much as I sometimes loathe the bitter, controlling assertiveness of my mother, I should know better than that.

I imagined a conversation with my wife in which I told her that as much as I love her, it is completely unacceptable for her to have so little respect for herself, for me, for her children that she would allow herself to get to such an unhealthy and unattractive state of obesity. I said, you are my wife and I DO love you for who you are BUT it is completely unacceptable that you don't even attempt to make yourself attractive to me. That you consider it irrelevant and unimportant. I moved onto other things too ... she is a terribly messy and unorganized person while I like to keep some semblance of order in my life. Before her, I generally kept my place extraordinarily clean and organized ... especially for a guy. Our house is a wreck. It is a large beautiful home in a neighborhood of beautiful homes and I would never invite anybody over because it is a constant disaster. She is rather lazy and if I want anything done ... cleaning, finances, groceries, laundry ... you name it, I have to do it ... even when she was home all the time while I worked 50-60 hours a wek. My bedroom/bath is clean and organized. The rest of the house is full of piles of who knows what, especially her bedroom. Drives me insane. I am almost resigned to it because she has always been that way ... but it beats me down and just contributes to a feeling of my life spinning out of control. This isn't my lifestyle and this isn't me ... this isn't our lifestyle ... this is her lifestyle. I have told her countless times how I feel about it that she's completely numb to it. She doesn't care. It doesn't bother her. I imagined telling her that it is completely unacceptable that we have to live in this filth because you can't bother to spend a few hours every weekend cleaning this place up. Your bedroom is piled with dirty clothes ... I can't even walk in there without tripping over something. Sometimes I can't even see the floor from all that crap you have laying around. I imagined telling her how unacceptable a lot of things are in our life and I'm not going to stand for it any longer ... and then I imagined delivering an ultimatum. Either this gets fixed or we need to agree that it is not healthy for us to remain married. End of story. Now, I don't know how I will actually address her weight ... I can't think of a way that isn't cruel and abusive that I haven't already tried ... but damn if I didn't get a hard-on thinking about what it is I need to tell her. Nearly burst out of my pants. My testosterone level must have sky-rocketed. It was a hard-on I should have been using the night before! 

What did I learn on V-Day? Not much really. The next day I learned that it is completely unacceptable that I have another V-Day like that one.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> so he wants a D and to live together??? Whats the point?


The symbolism is quite poetic really.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I learned that even though we are only a year and a few months into R, celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary did not trigger me. I learned that even though we are broke at the moment, and I had to sell some of my favorite rifles and hand guns to pay the mortgage/utilities, we could still have an amazingly fun and beautiful day on the cheap. I learned that it really was ok to not give her a present, and it was ok to not get one from her either, because waking up next to her, seeing her smile, kissing and hugging her was one of the best presents I've ever had. I learned that spending half the day in bed playing bookworm with her on GSN/worldwinner, was more rewarding than a fancy dinner out. I learned that I am still in love with her, and she is still in love with me, and that makes all the hard work we put into R worthwhile.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Paladin said:


> I learned that even though we are only a year and a few months into R, celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary did not trigger me. I learned that even though we are broke at the moment, and I had to sell some of my favorite rifles and hand guns to pay the mortgage/utilities, we could still have an amazingly fun and beautiful day on the cheap. I learned that it really was ok to not give her a present, and it was ok to not get one from her either, because waking up next to her, seeing her smile, kissing and hugging her was one of the best presents I've ever had. I learned that spending half the day in bed playing bookworm with her on GSN/worldwinner, was more rewarding than a fancy dinner out. I learned that I am still in love with her, and she is still in love with me, and that makes all the hard work we put into R worthwhile.


She should have given you a present ...


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

love=pain said:


> I know what I learned, while I am highly sexually attracted to her and I do care for her very much I just don't have that spark like I did before.
> I am sure the sex thing is because she is a beautiful woman and I am a man with a pulse and we live in the same space sleep in the same bed so there is a closeness between us.
> The length of our marriage, the kids, the history we had I can't see myself ever not caring for her.
> That said that little extra that pushes you to be completely in love, giving your total dedication to another just isn't there and I wonder if it will ever be like it was.


This is EXACTLY how I feel about my husband. I miss that spark so badly and hope it comes back. Sex is not the same anymore. An element of me is always sad, though I try to push it out of my mind.


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## A Forest (Feb 16, 2013)

It was reinforced that my wife has very little, if any, desire for sex. It has been reduced to duty sex and I'm wondering when the resentment takes over.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> This is EXACTLY how I feel about my husband. I miss that spark so badly and hope it comes back. Sex is not the same anymore. An element of me is always sad, though I try to push it out of my mind.


I was going to 'like' this but that's not right... 'same here' would be more appropriate.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Valentine's day is only good for your investment in the Cacao commodity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Valentines day is just another day!


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

On Valentines day, while I was meeting with a divorce lawyer
the florist delivered the roses

I got home an hour later, they were in the garbage

I guess I should learn something from that


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I learned even though it is long past you can still Trigger.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I learned that you can have a crush on someone, let them know about it, 
send them $100 worth of flowers anonymously on V-Day and not even get a response.

When they know full well who it came from.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Every day is supposed to be Valentine's day if you are in love. What am I missing here?

Seriously though, I learned that human heart (or brain) is an extraordinary equipment. You can have the feelings you thought you were never going to have ever again in your life.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Kids wanted him to get flowers for me... He later on commented on how expensive the flowers are these days... wow... who needs those and specially from him??? 

I hate special days like these!!!


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