# EA: I didn't sleep with him, it's not a big deal



## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

It's been almost a year since the discovery of my wife's 4+ month long EA, which included commentary such as "come F me" toward the end.

From the beginning, she has had a nearly complete lack of remorse. I always got to hear that it was "just a little flirting", "not a big deal", "you should be over it by now", "it wouldn't have happened if you met my needs", Etc. Blameshifting, DARVO, and complete lack of responsibility. Personally, I think it would have been easier to deal with if she had a one night stand. 

I saw this quote in another thread, and totally agree: “To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.”
― Malcolm X

If she had been killed in a freak accident, leaving me to raise our 2 & 6 yo daughters alone, I think there would have been less grief.

I'm in the beginning stages of divorce finally. The final straw happened when POSOM attempted recontact after 8 months... via an invite to a sexting app, which I saw when she was putting D2 to bed. Long story short, she lied to me and our marriage counselor several times. She had installed the app, took measures to hide it from me, and flat out lied even after being confronted with hard evidence. I can accept all this.

What I'm struggling with in the present - when I tell people, family mostly, WHY I would choose to divorce her and break up the family of D2/D6, they don't always understand the impact of an EA. It's maddening. STBXW will go to the grave thinking it wasn't a big deal. She seems to have her family convinced as well.

She tells her friends that she flirted with some guy ages ago and I never got over it, then gets lots of sympathy. She paints my grief and seeking of reassurance as controlling behaviors. It's maddening. I hate her for what she did to our family, yet I seem to be the one being judged for having the self esteem/worth to not put up with this behavior.

Accepting the divorce is one thing, but the injustice of it bothers me more than anything. What can I do?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Full on exposure of her lies, with evidence, is a remedy for what ails you at this point. Expose what she's doing to everyone even remotely connected to all of you. All your family, all hers, all his.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sometimes the NUclear option is a good way to go...ESPECIALLY with family involved.

Send them all the transcripts and let them make up their own minds.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I don't suppose you were savvy enough to make copies of those damning e-mails. If you have them, show them to others so that they will know YOU are not the one at fault here. Slap her with the 180 while you get your personal affairs in order. Don't *threaten* divorce, have her served and move into the spare room. If she STILL shows no remorse or willingness to go the extra mile to save her marriage, then I think you'll be able to tell that the marriage isn't worth saving. Good luck on whatever you decide to do. If you have the e-mails, also find a way to show them to the om's wife. THAT oughta really stir things up.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KingwoodKev said:


> Full on exposure of her lies, with evidence, is a remedy for what ails you at this point. Expose what she's doing to everyone even remotely connected to all of you. All your family, all hers, all his.


*RedTool: I really get the impression that your STBXW is little more than a pathological liar ~ but mostly to herself ~ to self-justify any cheating that she can get in on. You have been, and continue to be her Plan B. There's absolutely no remorse on her part, no ownership of the truth, and no feelings for you!

Proceed with the D, get yourself a good piranha family attorney, and go for full custody of your kids. You're a far better Dad to them on your worst day than she isa mother to them on her very best one! *


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rewrite of marital history to fit her needs. Typical.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *RedTool:
> 
> Proceed with the D, get yourself a good piranha family attorney, and go for full custody of your kids. You're a far better Dad to them on your worst day than she isa mother to them on her very best one! *


In thoery I agree with you but in reality I can't agree. This poor guy has two daughters. Her attorney is going to use that to drain him dry, even though the mother was doing the cheating. A divorce may be a way out but he'll be poor for a long time. As for seeing his kids, the court will demand that he is able to have a place with separate bedrooms for the girls. If he can't provide that, which he won't be able to due to the heafty child support payments he'll have to come up with, he won't be able to see them. I was there and this is what happened to me. It might be best to disclose all that she has done to her family, maybe that will stop all the BS. Even if that's sucessful, would you want to R with her?? Any way you go with this it's not easy. It made my life hell.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

good for you getting D from her. Are you sure her thing hasn't gone physical ?

None-the-less, get a good aggressive attorney and fight for those kids and kudos for not being a cuckold or not staying just for the kids because 16 years of he11 is a long time. They won't even understand what is going on now so the sooner the better


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Damn....No remorse, shifting of blame to justify her behavior. Time to cut your losses I'm afraid...And I'm a WH who is in the midst of repairing my marriage (but I'm also owning my own sh1t and doing the heavy lifting necessary to regain what I destroyed). Never once did I use the "If you were meeting my needs, then I wouldn't have strayed!" line. That is a bullsh1t excuse. All the best to you my friend. Good luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No reason he can't fight for custody, or joint custody.

I really am starting to believe there is an EA, a PA, and a cyber-A. Sexting and skype-sex is really different from an EA. Often there isn't a romantic element, its just sex. This is way more than flirty texts. But I guess when it all comes down to it, its all a secret betrayal they put above the marital relationship.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> A divorce may be a way out but he'll be poor for a long time.


Well why doesn't he just hang around and let her crap all over him to save a few bucks in alimony? Give me a break. News flash. If he hangs around he is still paying certain expenses and would likely spend as much on the kids as he would pay in child support. 
I've been one and known a lot of guys who have paid alimony and child support. Not a one has has ended up in the soup line.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

We both have lawyers retained at this point, and are amicable enough to do a dissolution. We have already agreed on on 50/50 custody and shared parenting. Financially, she makes about 10% more than me, so if it went to war, I'd still be ahead.

I've already talked with her parents and a few cousins, telling them the truth about her cheating. Seems if I talk to someone first, they are all OMG... but if she hit them first, I get the "well, she didn't sleep with him..." lines. Honestly, I'm not sure she did or didn't. I'll never know. The pattern is she denies everything unless there is hard evidence that would win a jury trial.

I have to deal with the hate/anger/injustice of not being understood. I'm also trying to balance resolving this quickly and amicably with the urge to take out a billboard on the highway exposing her.

As several posters have noted, she doesn't give a crap about me. She is an awesome mother to the kids though. The kids are the only ones losing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think some people really do have a different view of this. I have a friend who gave a guy oral and she genuinely believed that it wasn't as big of a deal as intercourse. 

And yes, she came clean to her hb and they have been working on the marriage. Suffice to say that he wasn't innocent either.

The real test would be how she'd react if you were telling another woman how you wanted to fvck her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Next time it's brought up by family and friends -- assuming you ever see any of those schmoos again -- Ask them- yes, why WOULD a guy divorce his wife with two young kids over just harmless flirting?? Doesn't make sense does it. 

And if they are still dense and can't add one and one, tells them she made plans to F--- some guy. And lied about it.

They are all toxic. Sorry it ended this way for you, congrats on moving on to a better life.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

RedTool said:


> It's been almost a year since the discovery of my wife's 4+ month long EA, which included commentary such as "come F me" toward the end.
> 
> What I'm struggling with in the present - when I tell people, family mostly, WHY I would choose to divorce her and break up the family of D2/D6, *they don't always understand the impact of an EA.* *It's maddening. STBXW will go to the grave thinking it wasn't a big deal.* She seems to have her family convinced as well.
> 
> ...


People that have not experienced this type of betrayal will probably never fully understand it. They don't need to. You understand and that is enough.

When the divorce is final...she will most likely understand it was a big deal. The first Christmas will probably hit her VERY hard. Back when I still counseled...the first holiday was typically the hardest time for people. Unless she is mentally ill...she will eventually grasp the affects of her actions. 

People get uncomfortable when a divorce happens to a couple they know. They may judge or they may not. Their judgments and approval/disapproval have zero impact on your life. They are irrelevant. 

Injustice happens...We don't live on Planet Fair. We all must make decisions based on imperfect information. She chose to do what she did. She chose to lie. You choose to live a life with as much truth as possible. You are teaching your children (even if they don't understand right now), that being a person of honor takes tough choices....But is the right way. 

Stay strong. The only person you really have to answer to is yourself. The only judgement that matters is your own. Trust in your struggle....It never lies.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RedTool said:


> It's been almost a year since the discovery of my wife's 4+ month long EA, which included commentary such as "come F me" toward the end.


Yeah... it was an EA..... as far as YOU know. 

Not that it matters much now since you made the right decision to dump her. However, my gut screams it went PA at some point and her indifferent attitude is more of a "all you can PROVE is the EA so get over it" kind of mentality.

People don't usually ask someone to "come F them" unless they already have before. That's a phrasing of familiarity. Just saying.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

RedTool said:


> but if she hit them first, I get the "well, she didn't sleep with him..." lines.


"well, no, I don't have 3D Imax video of her banging him, but I have proof she asked him for it, and that's close enough for me"


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah... it was an EA..... as far as YOU know.
> 
> Not that it matters much now since you made the right decision to dump her. However, my gut screams it went PA at some point and her indifferent attitude is more of a "all you can PROVE is the EA so get over it" kind of mentality.
> 
> People don't usually ask someone to "come F them" unless they already have before. That's a phrasing of familiarity. Just saying.



I agree....

This type of cheater is pretty bad. Refuses to accept fault and never will. Then tries to hide reconnection with OM. 

So the comment about "come F me"...if any guy seen that he'd be over there in a second to F her. 4 months is a long time for it to be just an EA. But hey, you're better off going the divorce route. 

I hope if OM was married you burned him to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

RedTool said:


> It's been almost a year since the discovery of my wife's 4+ month long EA, which included commentary such as "come F me" toward the end.
> 
> From the beginning, she has had a nearly complete lack of remorse. I always got to hear that it was "just a little flirting", "not a big deal", "you should be over it by now", "it wouldn't have happened if you met my needs", Etc. Blameshifting, DARVO, and complete lack of responsibility. Personally, I think it would have been easier to deal with if she had a one night stand.
> 
> ...


Dear RedTool,

While I am truly sorry that you have to go through this, I believe you need a different perspective on what is happening.

As you must have noticed, society values women more than men -- it always has and always will. This is only to be expected, given that women are the reproducing sex and therefore evolutionarily the more valuable members of the species.

One of the consequences of this is that women are given more sympathy and support when perceived to be in need of help. You can think of this phenomenon as another manifestation of the "women and children first" principle. As a result, many people, both men and women, even if they knew the complete truth about what happened between the two of you, would side with her. It's human nature.

Sure, you can try to educate family and friends about what really happened, but the result is likely to be pretty much the same. When she peddles her sob story, most will offer her sympathy. When you tell them what really happened, they'll thinking you're a whiner.

So here's my advice -- suck it up. Count your lucky stars that (1) you're getting out the marriage mostly whole and (2) you found out what kind of woman she is while you're still young enough to find a more worthy partner.

Life has dealt you a bad hand but you're going to be OK, as long as you do what's best of you and your kids and pay no mind to what others think.

Again, I don't mean to be unsympathetic but, based on some of the horror stories of what other men have gone through when their wives cheated on them, you are definitely ahead of the curve and on your way to recovery.

Wishing the best for you.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear RedTool,
> 
> While I am truly sorry that you have to go through this, I believe you need a different perspective on what is happening.
> 
> ...


Thank you. That was very useful and realistic. I keep trying to remind myself that as painful the crazy is right now, she won't be around much longer. Freedom will be back. The days of wondering why she doesn't seem affectionate or seem to love me... which has been for YEARS, will end.

It's sickening the way she is acting in the interim though. Sometimes people repeat something untrue enough that they make you question yourself and your own sanity.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What I reading is that you are not over the hurt. It is maddening indeed that she would rather blame shift, down play and deny than express remorse. In short she doesn't love you enough to give a shyte.

I would not volunteer information. Tell those who ask that she is a cheater. Leave it at that. Detach from her. Fake that you are fine and look forward to a good life.

Be careful not to let her play mind games. Read dadof2 to see how some cheaters will jerk the BH around.

Your wife stayed faithful roughly 7 years. That's the biological program. The selfish genes call for different DNA at this point.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The other posters are right....the only way to get the sense of justice you are seeking is to expose every bit of the evidence to everyone.

It still might not change the minds of some people....their own sense of denial about what she did might be too high, especially for her family who will want to protect her.

But, if you show them the text that says 'Come F me', and then evidence that even after getting caught she continued to try and maintain contact with the text app with this POS, then you have done all you can.

If they can lie to themselves and try to argue that this is really no big deal, then there will be nothing you can do to change their views.

Just cut them completely out of you life as well...cause they are as toxic as she is.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah... it was an EA..... as far as YOU know.
> 
> Not that it matters much now since you made the right decision to dump her. However, my gut screams it went PA at some point and her indifferent attitude is more of a "all you can PROVE is the EA so get over it" kind of mentality.
> 
> People don't usually ask someone to "come F them" unless they already have before. That's a phrasing of familiarity. Just saying.





ReidWright said:


> "well, no, I don't have 3D Imax video of her banging him, but I have proof she asked him for it, and that's close enough for me"


I completely agree with both of these. "I have proof she asked him for it, and that's close enough for me." Yup. Stealing that. 

I'm at times amazing myself with how lenient I've been.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

RedTool said:


> I'm in the beginning stages of divorce finally.


F'in A. Good for you!!!




> What I'm struggling with in the present - when I tell people, family mostly, WHY I would choose to divorce her and break up the family of D2/D6


You didn't break up the family. SHE did.




> they don't always understand the impact of an EA. It's maddening. STBXW will go to the grave thinking it wasn't a big deal.


Nah, she only told the guy to come F her, and she would have.
And something tells me she did and is trying to mitigate the damage and pass it off as never going physical.

Either way, if she ever says it was no big deal, tell her to F off.




> She seems to have her family convinced as well.


Uh huh, and if you would have done this to her you would have been the biggest azzole to them.




> Accepting the divorce is one thing, but the injustice of it bothers me more than anything. What can I do?


Nothing. Birds of a feather flock together and they are going to believe anything coming out of her lying mouth. Nothing you can do about it.

And if her family contacts you trying to put this on you, set them straight. Tell them what she has done and if they don't believe you, you really don't care.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You are just going to have to deal with the fact she will rewrite history. My xW still does it to this day. I would just learn to ignore her and move on. Sounds like you did all you could to move on with your marriage and she broke that trust once again. That is her fault and she will have to live with that. 

Sounds like your doing things write with making the divorce as amicable as possible. Good for you. 

I would just turn this around for yourself. Do your best to move on with your life and when the time is right you will find a far better women than your xW. It took a few years for me but It all worked out in the end.

The best revenge is living well and being a great father to your kids. 

Clay


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

cheaters are liars. You can't alter the laws of physics either.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Hicks said:


> cheaters are liars. You can't alter the laws of physics either.


Too true, and Red good working getting out now. 

After my Dday1 I gave her another chance. She would say things like, "it was only online", "It was just fantasy", "It wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't ever screw him, eww".

Well, turns out she wasn't screwing him. It was someone else I didn't expect. Go figure. Anyway, it was 2 years of crazy between Dday1 and Dday2. You are saving yourself from that pain. She may or may not be banging someone else, but her lack of empathy for your pain is damning enough.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RedTool said:


> She tells her friends that she flirted with some guy ages ago and I never got over it, then gets lots of sympathy.


Don't sweat this garbage. Many things are okay until it happens to you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Injustice is injustice. 

Her family and friends will always back her even when she's telling lies. End of the day even if it went physical they could somehow find a way to put the blame on you. 

So in essence eff them.

You and her know the truth of why you are getting divorced, nothing can change that, she knows why and so do you and she'll take that to her grave.

You refused to be made a mug, stood your ground, gave her every chance and she refused. Now you can walk away head held high.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

RedTool said:


> The days of wondering why she doesn't seem affectionate or seem to love me... which has been for YEARS, will end.


Believe me Dawg, you won't be kicking yourself for leaving. You'll be kicking yourself for not leaving sooner.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

RedTool said:


> She is an awesome mother to the kids though. The kids are the only ones losing.


No offense... But, a wife/mother that cheats on her husband, show no remorse, and continues to betray their husband and thus destroys the family union, is far from Awesome.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

To OP's in laws and his wife's family, wonder if they would think he was being petty if he told them. "Well, I went out and got a blowjob from a hooker...it wasn't sex...no big deal...it was just a hooker."


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

RWB said:


> No offense... But, a wife/mother that cheats on her husband, show no remorse, and continues to betray their husband and thus destroys the family union, is far from Awesome.


:iagree:

As a father who loves his kids with all my heart, when married, wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like that to their mother.

Also, since I loved them, I wouldn't have done anything to risk their happy home and intact family unit.

I guess cheaters care more about their gratification than their kids lives.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for him, perhaps her.

Why didn't she physically cheat? Lack of opportunity. 

Unless she did cheat, all along?:scratchhead:

Have you had your children DNA tested?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

RedTool said:


> We both have lawyers retained at this point, and are amicable enough to do a dissolution. We have already agreed on on 50/50 custody and shared parenting. Financially, she makes about 10% more than me, so if it went to war, I'd still be ahead.
> 
> I've already talked with her parents and a few cousins, telling them the truth about her cheating. Seems if I talk to someone first, they are all OMG... but if she hit them first, I get the "well, she didn't sleep with him..." lines. Honestly, I'm not sure she did or didn't. I'll never know. The pattern is she denies everything unless there is hard evidence that would win a jury trial.
> 
> ...


Back in the day, one of the (few) allowed causes for a divorce in the US was "alienation of affections". That would include what we now call an emotional affair.

The sex itself doesn't matter. It is the destruction of trust and the killing of a relationship that matters.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RedTool said:


> What can I do?


Thank your lucky stars.....you aren't raising some other mans kid, you don't have STD's, and you didn't have to taste the other man when you went down on your old lady.

It was just a matter of time bro.

The way I see it you got out just in time...who gives a phuck what other people think...there not sleeping with your old lady you are or "were"!

:smthumbup:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think fewer words are more effective in situations like this. 

When you find yourself having to discuss it at all, don't appear defensive or even try to explain. Stay outwardly confident and philosophical as you let loose with a terse but meaningful one-liner. 

Something like:

'I had no interest in a wife who spent her time sexting other men'


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

RedTool said:


> I've already talked with her parents and a few cousins, telling them the truth about her cheating. Seems if I talk to someone first, they are all OMG... but if she hit them first, I get the "well, she didn't sleep with him..." lines. Honestly, I'm not sure she did or didn't. I'll never know. The pattern is she denies everything unless there is hard evidence that would win a jury trial.


 You do not have to win a jury over to tell your side correctly. You have been limiting yourself to calling it an emotional affair by what you can prove in court instead of what you know in your gut is true. Tell them that major studies show that the majority of physical affairs go completely undetected by the spouse, that only 2% of the time does the cheater get caught in the act of having sex, and in only 7% of the time does the cheater ever admit to having sex when in fact they did. Thus the fact that you have as much proof of sexual conversation as you do, and her proven track record of lying and deceit to keep the other man (OM) in her life, is the best evidence that you can reasonably expect when your gut and the way that she is acting tells you that your wife has had sex with this other man. Tell them that you do not need your constantly lying wife (which is a proven fact) to tell the truth for you to divorce her for her affair with this OM. Remind them that you did not want a divorce or take divorce lightly, and that based on what you know the fact that you are divorcing your wife anyway should tell them all that they need to know about the real truth of her affair with her OM.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

I got into a habit of checking her phone messages during the attempted reconcile period. I still do now after the divorce decision, mostly to find the crazy things she's telling friends and family. I really need to let go and stop it... the things I see (like tonight) make me downright furious. I'm wasting my energy. I really need to let it go. There's this part of me that just wants to shake people and get them to understand... but they never will. As frustrating as it is, I need to let go.

For instance, on Sun, I was reading a kindle book about how to tell your children about divorce. It made me emotional and teary. Thinking about your frigid, cheating, lying W ****ing over your kids will do that to you. W texted a friend that I was being "unstable". Friend replies that I'm attention seeking, and if I'm having a breakdown, she should call a doctor and get me to the hospital. "This problem of his started long before the marriage." WTF? I should also mention that this friend is twice divorced, and obviously cheering her on.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Additionally, she was texting back and forth with a second friend, telling friend about how I talked with her family. One cousin I talked to and got the OMGWTF reaction flipped and sent my W flowers to apologize. I get it... that would suck to be stuck in the middle. W says "I've just realized he's unable to be a man about this and it confirms why I have felt unsatisfied for so long."

He's being an idiot... You tried everything... He has done nothing... He's not thinking of his kids. <- that one REALLY chaps my ass.

W claims that the death blow was me claiming she wasn't being supportive and being there for me. Well, yes, that and you ****ING LYING ABOUT RECONTACTING HIM to both me and our marriage counselor.

ARRGH.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Back in the day, one of the (few) allowed causes for a divorce in the US was "alienation of affections". That would include what we now call an emotional affair.
> 
> The sex itself doesn't matter. It is the destruction of trust and the killing of a relationship that matters.


sex does matter, Sidney. We can always argue whether it matters the most or not but it definitely does matter. Just ask all the people walking around here with mind movies playing in their heads. To many, the sexual cheating kills the relationship so it's at least right up there with trust and relationship killing


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

RedTool said:


> Additionally, she was texting back and forth with a second friend, telling friend about how I talked with her family. One cousin I talked to and got the OMGWTF reaction flipped and sent my W flowers to apologize. I get it... that would suck to be stuck in the middle. W says "I've just realized he's unable to be a man about this and it confirms why I have felt unsatisfied for so long."
> 
> He's being an idiot... You tried everything... He has done nothing... He's not thinking of his kids. <- that one REALLY chaps my ass.
> 
> ...





RedTool said:


> I got into a habit of checking her phone messages during the attempted reconcile period. I still do now after the divorce decision, mostly to find the crazy things she's telling friends and family. I really need to let go and stop it... the things I see (like tonight) make me downright furious. I'm wasting my energy. I really need to let it go. There's this part of me that just wants to shake people and get them to understand... but they never will. As frustrating as it is, I need to let go.
> 
> For instance, on Sun, I was reading a kindle book about how to tell your children about divorce. It made me emotional and teary. Thinking about your frigid, cheating, lying W ****ing over your kids will do that to you. W texted a friend that I was being "unstable". Friend replies that I'm attention seeking, and if I'm having a breakdown, she should call a doctor and get me to the hospital. "This problem of his started long before the marriage." WTF? I should also mention that this friend is twice divorced, and obviously cheering her on.


This is all standard rewriting history to justify her $lutty behavior. The best way to counteract this is full blown exposure with the truth and proof of it. I would also let the spouses of this back slapping enabling friend in on the full skinny of what is going down. He deserves to know what kind of person he is married to.

If you don't put an end to this, it will only escalate. Promise you that. You're being demonized and your name ruined.

Do something about it.....and now.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You know, there is this cool thing called facebook. 

Take all the messages your wife has, and just start posting them on facebook. 
And tag her in all of them. 

Then post them on her wall. 
And post them on her company's wall, and say "This is the type of behavior the company promotes."
And then post them on her friend's wall and say "This is the type of woman she associates with."
Then take a dig at the one friend and say "And this friend is twice divorced, and she is promoting my wife's behavior. So I have a feeling her previous divorces aren't because of her husbands."
And post those pictures on the wall of every single one of her family members. 

And if you really want to rub salt into the wound, do it on LinkedIn. That will really blow up. 

And then, turn your phone off. 

And watch the magic happen.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> You know, there is this cool thing called facebook.
> 
> Take all the messages your wife has, and just start posting them on facebook.
> And tag her in all of them.
> ...


Ummm... yeah... and the wiretapping and slander lawsuits will appear. It sure does sound satisfying on paper though.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately other than airing the hard evidence there is not much more you can do.

Even if you did air the evidence you will get people defending her saying everybody deserves a second chance.

Personally given her lack of remorse, deviousness, and blame shifting you have done the right thing.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Sports Fan said:


> Unfortunately other than airing the hard evidence there is not much more you can do.
> 
> Even if you did air the evidence you will get people defending her saying everybody deserves a second chance.
> 
> Personally given her lack of remorse, deviousness, and blame shifting you have done the right thing.


Yes. It's just a struggle to know in your heart and soul that you are doing the right thing, even when countless other people think you're nuts.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't sweat her convos with her friends. Their opinions are worthless. They are all toxic. She could be Lizzie Borden with an axe and they will still support her.

Let it go. You will get there. Be strong for your kids and to hell with the rest.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

RedTool said:


> Yes. It's just a struggle to know in your heart and soul that you are doing the right thing, even when countless other people think you're nuts.


The struggle is on you. You have a way to combat this (truth), but if you choose not to, then you have no one but yourself to blame for this being placed on your head when you've done nothing wrong.

It's up to you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

RedTool said:


> Yes. It's just a struggle to know in your heart and soul that you are doing the right thing, even when countless other people think you're nuts.


Red it could be worse like all over the net lol

http://www.courant.com/news/connect...ex-assault-charges-20150224-story.html#page=1

Her h not only filed but has a recording of her admitting to it.
But to have it so public sheesh.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Don't sweat her convos with her friends. Their opinions are worthless. They are all toxic. She could be Lizzie Borden with an axe and they will still support her.
> 
> Let it go. You will get there. Be strong for your kids and to hell with the rest.





3putt said:


> The struggle is on you. You have a way to combat this (truth), but if you choose not to, then you have no one but yourself to blame for this being placed on your head when you've done nothing wrong.
> 
> It's up to you.


That's the deal... in my mind, I could have a PERFECT logical, sensible, evidence backed argument... and it still wouldn't convince her friends. It's not worth it, but so hard to stop caring at the same time.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

RedTool said:


> That's the deal... in my mind, I could have a PERFECT logical, sensible, evidence backed argument... and it still wouldn't convince her friends. It's not worth it, but so hard to stop caring at the same time.


Red all you can do is clean your side of the street over time the truth always prevails.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RedTool said:


> *her friends. *


You see the problem right? In laws I can understand, forget the rest. Also, you are seeing no remorse so stop feeling guilty and GFTO of her texts.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

RedTool said:


> I still do now after the divorce decision, mostly to find the crazy things she's telling friends and family. I really need to let go and stop it... the things I see (like tonight) make me downright furious. I'm wasting my energy. I really need to let it go. There's this part of me that just wants to shake people and get them to understand... but they never will. As frustrating as it is, I need to let go.


You really do Dawg. Nobody likes being painted as the guy in the black hate. But after you're on the earth long enough you come to realize that people's going to believe what they want anyway. I've had folks who've known me, up close and personal, for years get turned by a virtual stranger spouting crap about me. I'm done asking myself, "how could they they believe this after knowing me and my character that long?". I've learned most folks like seeing flaws in others.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Odds are good that if you stop spying on your wife's communications then you won't get so worked up over the injustice of it. 

You've decided to divorce. So the time for illegal eavesdropping is over. 

Let her go. Detach.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sorry
http://www.courant.com/news/connect...ex-assault-charges-20150224-story.html#page=1

Teacher Allison Marchese denies sharing thong pics and having sex in classroom with student | Daily Mail Online


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> You know, there is this cool thing called facebook.
> 
> Take all the messages your wife has, and just start posting them on facebook.
> And tag her in all of them.
> ...


Uhhhh. This sounds like you haven't been on the receiving end of a lawsuit....But, If this is how someone wants to spend their retirement savings...by all means.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> You really do Dawg. Nobody likes being painted as the guy in the black hate. But after you're on the earth long enough you come to realize that people's going to believe what they want anyway. I've had folks who've known me, up close and personal, for years get turned by a virtual stranger spouting crap about me. I'm done asking myself, "how could they they believe this after knowing me and my character that long?". I've learned most folks like seeing flaws in others.


Wise. 

"People Gonna Talk whether your doing right or wrong"


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Of course your WW slept with him! You dont have proof she did, but you have proof she was very accepting of the idea. Can she prove she didnt? Of course not.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If your STBX will never own up, then you should be even happier that you are splitting. Just be glad that you won't have her toxicity in your life anymore. There's no court of life, passing judgment on who's in the right, there's just what you do with the rest of your life.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think all the revenge suggestions are both a waste of energy and a BAD idea. Ultimately, you want what's best for your kids, which will require as amicable a divorce as possible and a civil relationship with her. There is ZERO to be gained and a lot to be lost by trying to drag her through the mud.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Any woman who texted a guy and told her to come and f'ck her almost certainly took the affair physical. It is possible that an OM might have ED but her unwillingness to express remorse is signal that she is hiding what really went on.

The best way to shut down an affair would be to not let on that anything was amiss. Once the D papers were ready, the betrayed spouse should take a day off from work and pack as much of their junk as possible and leave as little sign that they had ever lived there as possible. The cell phone should be uncontactable.

The D papers should be DHL delivered to the cheater at work the next day. This is of course only doable if the couple have no children.

When a BS attempts R and it fails the chance for a clean cut that exposes the cheater is gone. That is the reality, unless you have pictures of them and the AP tongue kissing.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

RedTool said:


> I've already talked with her parents and a few cousins, telling them the truth about her cheating. Seems if I talk to someone first, they are all OMG... but if she hit them first, I get the "well, she didn't sleep with him..." lines. *Honestly, I'm not sure she did or didn't. * I'll never know. The pattern is she denies everything unless there is hard evidence that would win a jury trial.


This is it. With the way she feels about you, what she wrote and her attitude of entitlement she’s a setup for an affair. What in the world would stop her from having a PA if she thought she could get away with it? When you tell others about the EA be sure to ask them my question.

EDIT:

WW will go to her grave swearing that it wasn’t a PA.

I’m not criticizing the OP but this is a great example of why we tell people not to confront, go dark and collect evidence. So that the WS can’t pull this crap.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Uhhhh. This sounds like you haven't been on the receiving end of a lawsuit...


Nobody ever said you do it in a manner where it can be traced back to you.  My take is he should just save himself the trouble and just jettison this vampire.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First thing you have to do is stop worrying about what other people say and you have to stop playing the victim around her because that gives her more ammo.

When my first wife and I got divorced and it was ugly. She said some really horrible ugly things about me for the sole purpose just to inflict pain and her family bought every word like it was gospel truth along with mutual friends we had. 

Couple of times when I ran into her family members I never once to a step back because it just made me look guilty and make her lies more believable. Well after a while the truth started coming out and little by little people started seeing that they made a mistake. The best part was when I an into her family after the truth came out and my ex MIL said in a cheerful voice,"We were just talking about you" and I looked at them all and pasted a huge grin on my face and said, "Yeah I'll bet you were" and you could here a pin drop in that room. No one person could look me in the eye and I got my satisfaction so let them talk and make remarks and sooner or later it will come back and bite them. Then you have the upper hand.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I went through the whole angry, heightened vigilance, wanting to show the world the truth thing when my marriage finally had to stop. 

When I pulled the plug and aired the ugly thing to my extended family at an aunt's 80th birthday party it was like family gossip heroin had been injected in 50 people.

Everyone wanted the details and i supplied it again and again like a celebrity signing autographs.

But you know what? It was momentarily satisfying and everyone seemed interested, But it didn't resolve anything or gain me any real satisfaction.

Living well and treating my two kids well does.

Their mom ran away to New Mexico and is basically in exile since she can't deal with admitting her wh0ring ways. 

The illusion of being a nice person has been shattered and she can't figure out a way to restore that that wouldn't involve the truth.

Me? I sit in the jacuzzi sipping a glass of wine with my new bride and thanking my lucky stars that I finally left her.

Life got so much better--and fast--once i dumped her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

michzz said:


> Me? I sit in the jacuzzi sipping a glass of wine with my new bride and thanking my lucky stars that I finally left her.
> 
> Life got so much better--and fast--once i dumped her.


You did good my man. I can't understand why some of these cats dig in like ticks to hang on to a spouse who has clearly shown they have no real interest in them or the marriage. Some I guess have no idea what its like to be treated like you hung the moon. Once you do you'll know what a dud you were married to, how much they were sucking the life out of you and accordingly, what a drag your marriage was.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> Me? I sit in the jacuzzi sipping a glass of wine with my new bride and thanking my lucky stars that I finally left her.
> 
> Life got so much better--and fast--once i dumped her.





ThePheonix said:


> You did good my man. I can't understand why some of these cats dig in like ticks to hang on to a spouse who has clearly shown they have no real interest in them or the marriage. Some I guess have no idea what its like to be treated like you hung the moon. Once you do you'll know what a dud you were married to, how much they were sucking the life out of you and accordingly, what a drag your marriage was.



Oh, I can't claim superiority. I did exactly that!

But finally wised up and did the right thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Write the story you believe to be true and put the on on cheaterville.com. Simply tell the truth as you believe it to be. The send folks the link. You have no worry as long as you believe what your writing to be true.

I don't recall you saying who the other man is, where he lives, if he's married or has kids.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

with regards to exposing to her family: Be prepared that even with overwhelming evidence of her infidelity, they will deny it, support her, and vilify you....

denial is a very very powerful drug.......


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

180 hard man


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

helolover said:


> with regards to exposing to her family: Be prepared that even with overwhelming evidence of her infidelity, they will deny it, support her, and vilify you....
> 
> denial is a very very powerful drug.......


:iagree:

Does it really matter what someone thinks of you that believes a liar and cheater?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Red Tool-----you and all the other posters have this covered nicely---I have just one point to make-----You state in one of your posts that your wife is an "awesome mother"

ANY MOTHER THAT WOULD CHEAT AND BREAK UP A FAMILY, FORCING THE KIDS INTO TWO SEPERATE HOMES, AND ALL THE MISERY THAT COMES WITH DIVORCE--------IS NOT AN AWESOME ANYTHING, AND CERTAINLY NOT AN AWESOME MOTHER----------she is actually nothing more than a home wrecker----most certainly NOT A GOOD MOTHER


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Sun night I ran into one of W's cousins and told her over a few drinks. Cousin, after hearing my story, texts my W, chewing her out, saying how could you possibly make him out to be the bad guy?

W and I ended up talking about it last night... why? Because I'm an idiot and couldn't help myself. I had to tell her that it was great to see even people in her own family realize how much she had hurt me, when she clearly can't. We sparred for a half hour or so.

I did get something helpful out of it though: In her mind, it wasn't even an EMOTIONAL affair. She won't call it an EA. Further maddening is that last night she says both her individual counselor and the marriage counselor both said "when you look at it, it doesn't really classify as an EA."

NO!!! OMG!!! She truly has convinced herself that it was nothing. That I shouldn't be upset about it. I'm just blown away. How do you argue with crazy? You can't. In her mind, I'm the evil one because I retained a lawyer first. I did because I have self respect and limits.

For the good mother comments... I totally get the point. Sadly, I do have to be semi nice to her at this point until everything is signed. Don't want her to flip out and do something stupid like try to do less than shared parenting and equal time.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

loyallad said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Does it really matter what someone thinks of you that believes a liar and cheater?


I am from out of town, and married into a huge family in this town. With the two kids, I'm stuck here for a minimum of 16 years. I want my kids to grow up knowing that family well, because they are great people.

So unfortunately, on some level it does matter. I have to accept all those people thinking her side has truth.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

RedTool said:


> I am from out of town, and married into a huge family in this town. With the two kids, I'm stuck here for a minimum of 16 years. I want my kids to grow up knowing that family well, because they are great people.
> 
> So unfortunately, on some level it does matter. I have to accept all those people thinking her side has truth.


The crazy thing about cheaters. They repeat there behavior and if your town is as small as you are talking about it will get around. It is horrible that you are in this spot but sadly that is the chance we all take when we trust someone else. 

Look at the bright side the better you live the quicker you will forget about all these horrible things. 

Clay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RedTool said:


> What I'm struggling with in the present - when I tell people, family mostly, WHY I would choose to divorce her and break up the family of D2/D6, they don't always understand the impact of an EA. It's maddening.


People who have not experienced it will not understand it the way you do.

All you can do is move on with your life if you have decided to divorce. 

Re: Judging - people will always judge/talk no matter the circumstance, whether the divorce was for an EA or not, whether it was because you weren't compatible sexually, whether so many reasons, whether the sky if red yellow or green. It's part o the human experience. 

Wishing you the best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Red Tool----as to the counselors---you have to understand that those counselors the IC especially are basing their opinions on what your wife is telling them-----they are not getting both sides of the situation----you know darn well, your wife is gonna spin this so it does not sound like an emotional affair

Your wife doesn't seem to care----in this situation----hopefully 2 somewhat happy homes will be better than the misery you are going thru now----and you better know that your kids know FULL WELL SOMETHIN A'INT RIGHT, and as in amny cases your kids may be asking themselves did I cause this


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RedTool said:


> She won't call it an EA. Further maddening is that last night she says both her individual counselor and the marriage counselor both said "when you look at it, it doesn't really classify as an EA."


Bear in mind that she could be lying about the counselors's opinions.

I wouldn't believe a word out of her mouth at this point.

I also, if i were you, would stop tipping your hand to her about a damned thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If she didn't/doesn't think that an EA is a "big deal", it's probably because she was/is having a PA.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I know how you feel Red. 

Rest assured, you've made the right decision. Your wife's actions, post-decision, are proving this. 

Let her tell her stories. 

Some will believe her and some won't. 

If they don't then they are true friends. If they do they were never really friends to begin with. 

My XW told everyone who would listen that I was abusive and controlling. Some bought it at first, now those people tell me they want nothing to do with her and apologize for what I had to go through. 

She even told out mechanic this crap. Had the nerve to brag about dating a married man now. Unbeknownst to her the mechanic was lifelong friends with OMW. 

XW no longer visits said mechanic.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

RedTool said:


> I am from out of town, and married into a huge family in this town. With the two kids, I'm stuck here for a minimum of 16 years. I want my kids to grow up knowing that family well, because they are great people.
> 
> So unfortunately, on some level it does matter. I have to accept all those people thinking her side has truth.


Yeah I'm from a small town too. And WW has a large extended family and are well known people. The funny thing about kids are they often see through the crapola of what a family can spin. They are a lot smarter than you think. They may never know the whole story but they will know who's full of crap and who isn't. You concentrate on being the best dad you can be to these kids. That's all that matters in the end.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

All you can control is what you do. Worrying about your W family and what they may or may not believe is giving her A control over your life. You have to let that go. Your ego may take a hit on the front end but if you are truly a decent guy and a good dad that's what people will think about you later on.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> A lot of people are saying that she definitely had a PA. I just want to say that that is not necessarily true. She may have just done the sexting and nothing more. Perhaps never wanted to do more. The sexting was still wrong and it doesn't sound like she is very sorry at all so it doesn't matter all that much. However, I disagree that the sexting means there was a PA.


Yes you are right Red doesn't have indisputable proof of a PA. The text of his W to OM to 'come f**k me' is damning on its own. I don't have indisputable proof of my W having a PA either. She never will admit to it. What I do have among a whole mountain of text mgs and phone call records and emails is valentine cards she and OM exchanged back on DDay. W gave OM a card that said 'I'm head over heels in love with you. And if that's not your favorite position I'm flexible'. OM gave W a card about loving to lick and reminding her how much he loves to use his tongue. I think most people can connect the dots.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I agree but Come **** me is sexting. Sometimes sexting is just sexting.



The point is, a spouse shouldn't be put in the position to try and figure that out. 

It crossed the line. 

She cannot be trusted. 

Ugh, really?

Sexting is just setting?

Criminy. 

She's a married woman sexting another man that she was supposed to be NC with.

Edit: phucing ridiculous in the context of this thread.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Whether "only sexting" or "full on" EA, it's appropriate either way, and it's still well within the definition of an EA. And, whether it went PA or not, it was an affair either way.

And all that really matters is the WW's refusal to admit that her relationship w/ OM was so inappropriate that continuing it in any way could justify divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RedTool said:


> How do you argue with crazy? You can't. In her mind, I'm the evil one because I retained a lawyer first. I did because I have self respect and limits.


You sir are correct, you don't have to argue w/ crazy...the simple fact is you have nonnegotiable boundaries.

Hell is it to much to ask our spouses to act the same way as they do when they are standing right next to us as when they are not standing next to us?

I think you have every right to expect your spouse to affair proof the marriage.....something your old lady is not doing and has no plan on starting.

The way I see it is she continues to deflect her shyty behavior, instead of owning her unhealthy behavior to save her marriage.

You don't need a spouse that continues to test you and your limits......sir...you do in fact command respect!:smthumbup:


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Ceegee and Fitnessfan, you're both right. It's not necessarily physical, but frankly, I don't give a damn. Here's a woman who I had to battle with about hugs and affection in general, let alone the abysmal sex life/desire... I was clearly plan B.

One thing I didn't mention here, but that is huge... I went though a big lifestyle change and lost 67 pounds. Once I was around 50 down, the affair started. I really think it was an attention/validation thing for her. And that really bugs me, because I've always been attracted to her regardless of her size. (Well, until now... it's amazing what taking the wife/love goggles off will do.)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'm not condoning sexting!! It was totally wrong and she was untrustworthy. I get it. My only point was to all those saying it was definitely a PA is ....not necessarily.


You are right that it is possible that she did not have the opportunity to take the affair physical. However, it is highly likely that she and the OM exchanged intimate photos and had cam sex at least. It is 99% certain that she got herself off with OM as the sex fantasy subject..


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'm not condoning sexting!! It was totally wrong and she was untrustworthy. I get it. My only point was to all those saying it was definitely a PA is ....not necessarily.



I misunderstood Fit. 

I apologize.


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Graywolf2 said:


> This is it. With the way she feels about you, what she wrote and her attitude of entitlement she’s a setup for an affair. What in the world would stop her from having a PA if she thought she could get away with it? When you tell others about the EA be sure to ask them my question.
> 
> EDIT:
> 
> ...



I just now realized the true wisdom of this response. It's true... she'll do whatever she thinks she can get away with without getting caught. Oh, you got caught? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. (DARVO)

In Nov, when POSOM sent her the invite to install the sext app, I really really wish I didn't confront her right away. I wish I had waited, seen if she would have told me on her own, or simply just installed it and used it as she did.

It's VERY hard in that scenario to NOT confront right away, but sometimes it is to your advantage. Hopefully someone here learns from that.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

RedTool said:


> I'm just blown away. How do you argue with crazy? You can't. In her mind, I'm the evil one because I retained a lawyer first. I did because I have self respect and limits.


Important insight. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Your personal limits were violated, plain and simple. If anyone pushes, just lay out the facts in bullet point.

- She was sexting another man
- She lied about it
- She promised to stop but did not
- She lied about it again
- You have no proof of a PA but she was begging him to fvck her
- You can't trust a word out her mouth now and will never trust her again
- She is unrepentant and/or blaming you
- You shouldn't have to live like this. In fact, you WILL NOT live like this. 
- Ergo... divorce.

Anyone that understands the concept of self respect should see your reasoning. If not, then they are a lost cause. Forget them and move on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Red,
If there were conversations like "Come F* me", I would certainly consider it more than the "flirting" she claims it was.

Not sure how far down this rabbit hole you went but if someone were to post a "flirting" comment like that to my wife and she didn't shut it down at that point (realizing that this harmless flirting has now gone too far) I would know it showed clear intent to take this to another level.

Unless you already ruled it out, I would assume that it either went physical or was about to.

You should never doubt yourself about your path. It will be long and painful at times but it is the right way. Your daughters will learn that this is not how you're supposed to treat people you love.

Best of luck to you in your journey


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing.. 

I don't need to tell you, anyone who really loves someone will do ANYTHING to fix it.. 

But as to your original post.. I will tell you comparing a EA to a PA is like comparing, almost getting shot to getting shot.. 

I have dealt with both and I will tell you unequivocally the PA hurt A LOT MORE than the PA's.. I caught my Ex wife 3 times before hand in the midst of a EA.. The last time the PA was definitely more crushing..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

RedTool said:


> I just now realized the true wisdom of this response. It's true... she'll do whatever she thinks she can get away with without getting caught. Oh, you got caught? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. (DARVO)
> 
> In Nov, when POSOM sent her the invite to install the sext app, I really really wish I didn't confront her right away. I wish I had waited, seen if she would have told me on her own, or simply just installed it and used it as she did.
> 
> It's VERY hard in that scenario to NOT confront right away, but sometimes it is to your advantage. Hopefully someone here learns from that.


Red I'm sorry you are going through this. 

Remember when your brain is addled always go back to the basics:

A woman who truly loves her man would never wish any kind of pain on him. Married people who are loving and devoted do not consciously cause each other pain. Oh, sometimes a nasty thing is said in the heat of an argument, but most of the time we do our best to care for each other on an emotional level.

You told this person she caused you pain by making herself sexually available to another man. She dismissed your feelings of hurt and then went on to call you crazy, trash your rep to friends and family and show no remorse whatsoever. 

Is this the actions of a person who loves you? No. 

She doesn't love you my friend. She doesnt. That is the cold hard truth. Actions reveal our true selves. Her actions have shown her to be completely selfish, prideful, mean and vindictive. Why would any man want a woman like this? 

Go forward with the divorce knowing you are in the right. Fock what her family thinks. They are half the reason she is the way she is. She's a rotten apple that dropped off a diseased tree. You're doing well.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My wife thought she would be able to deny that it happened forever.

Her strategy worked for a number of years. However, I finally got mad enough to do something about it and bluffed her. yes, i lied about how I already knew and I just wanted her to tell me the truth or the marriage was over. if she lied in any way then that was it.

I was NOT prepared for just how long she had cheated. i thought, days, weeks, a month tops.

She had been cheating for 8 years, maybe 9.

horrible as that revelation was, It was better to finally have the truth.

I tell you this because you write of your wife denying strenuously that she had a PA.

My wife was a convincing liar mainly because I wanted to believe her.

Once I wanted the truth more than the illusion of my life, i was able to get to the truth--at least enough of it to make a decision, the right one, to leave her.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RedTool said:


> I just now realized the true wisdom of this response. It's true... she'll do whatever she thinks she can get away with without getting caught. Oh, you got caught? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. (DARVO)
> 
> In Nov, when POSOM sent her the invite to install the sext app, I really really wish I didn't confront her right away. I wish I had waited, seen if she would have told me on her own, or simply just installed it and used it as she did.
> 
> It's VERY hard in that scenario to NOT confront right away, but sometimes it is to your advantage. Hopefully someone here learns from that.



Here's an ancedotal story for you: 

When I caught my exwife the first time in 2007, she was in an EA (as far as I know it was an EA at the time) with her bf prior to me. She was sexting this guy through email. Caught her with a keylogger. 

I blamed myself, rug swept, thought I could "love her" out of the affair. She also said the same EXACT thing, "It's not like I slept with the guy!" and "It was just fantasy because you don't give me enough attention". Your typical bullsh!t cheater script.

I ended up confirming she slept with the old boyfriend in 2011. Could of been other times, who knows. She'll never admit to it.

She also went on to have another PA (this time six months) with her married boss in 2013. She confessed to NOTHING until I got evidence that she would of happily taken to the grave. 

This woman you describe as your wife WILL have a PA eventually if she hasn't already (which in all honestly is probably a 10% chance she hasn't). All she needs is opportunity. Time is not a factor once she's got it in her head. If anything, the wait will just build the anticipation and hornyness. 

She's checked out and left you holding the bag. Cut your losses. Accept that and get out, before she causes you MORE pain. It's only a matter of time.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Whether "only sexting" or "full on" EA, it's appropriate either way, and it's still well within the definition of an EA. And, whether it went PA or not, it was an affair either way.
> *Reminds me of the old joke about a guy meets a single woman in a bar and asks her if she would have sex with a man for 10 million dollars. She pauses and says sheepishly yes. Then he asks if she would have sex with a man for 10 dollars. She replies of course not what kind of a woman do you think I am. To which the guy replies that's already been established now we're just haggling over price.:rofl:
> Gus is right, call it what you want. It's still an A and it's destroying this M and disrespects the BS. And if left unchecked would just continue and the disrespect towards the BS would build and build. *
> 
> And all that really matters is the WW's refusal to admit that her relationship w/ OM was so inappropriate that continuing it in any way could justify divorce.


*Another WS flunking geography, denial,denial, denial. They never learn it's not the river in Egypt.*


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

EAs are virtual PAs. PAs are real time EAs.


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## pryorrichard73 (Mar 3, 2015)

RedTool said:


> It's been almost a year since the discovery of my wife's 4+ month long EA, which included commentary such as "come F me" toward the end.
> 
> From the beginning, she has had a nearly complete lack of remorse. I always got to hear that it was "just a little flirting", "not a big deal", "you should be over it by now", "it wouldn't have happened if you met my needs", Etc. Blameshifting, DARVO, and complete lack of responsibility. Personally, I think it would have been easier to deal with if she had a one night stand.
> 
> ...


I recently found about the last of my wifes affairs and whats sad about me is they were going on before we married. YES, I still married her. It was the same thing. It was nothing, I was just talking and the truth is when i saw the 1st bad sign I should have been GONE.

Here I am 17 years gone, forget the marriage PERIOD, married or not those people suffer to if cheated on as US married people were. HURT IS HURT if in LOVE.

The last and latest cheating was a repeat offense. The guy keeps helping her claiming no sex but, he the last time I saw him was told to leave her alone(we were married) as I caught him driving her car. Now I this Saturday on my way to couples therapy decided to go to her place and do so early to wait for our session. 

Where she lives is closer to the office as I live way out in the suburbs and she in the city where the therapy session is to be held.Well, I go to her place and knock on the door its open? Im shocked shes a safety monster was when she lived with me anyway. So I think robbery but, like a dummy in a movie I look in a tab anyway and then walk out and see if her car is to be seen.

I dont see it and really panic and go back in fearful but, didnt know if she was there or potential thieves. I go and search the bathroom first its the first room in her small apartment. I see a shaving kit but, ignore it. Then I go to her room and see male clothes and shoes and his underwear and Im smiling knowing she hadnt changed. Its my smoking gun. I decide to tell her in therapy in 3 more hours but, call the couples therapist first and he ask about it and I say its true he says start the session with it.

I decide not to tell her after and she says after lying 6 times its a gay man name Cory who works at her job with her I know its a lie though because I saw the name on paperwork for school on her table and it said Trey, the same guy 2 years earlier who was driving her car and she told me she wasnt even talking to him anymore, SMH!!

Long and short is this, people who cheat are not rare, they are the rule not the exception. I feel bad for you and ALL victims we suffer alone all of us even with sites like this. These sites do help because before today I thought i was the only man on earth who was played by a woman. Now I know its just LIFE.

As I type this I feel betternot because my misery wants company but, because my PAIN isnt unique to me. Who knows one day any of us cheated on could find ourselves the one cheating. We NEVER know. What Im going to do is take one day at a time. After this weekend I said,"just walk away cold turkey and get therapy and go to church"!

Our exes men or woman who cheat already lost TRUE LOVE for us guys/gals, the blessing is them cheating as long as no disease comes our way. Its sad that people do dirt like this. That said what they want is us to hurt and fall down and not get up. Today I made a business call to change my LIFE and Sunday sent a text to help me shine like a star.

I promise myself I wont let her see me fall. When they cheat and we try and fix it they think they are our GOD and only you getting up and winning will teach her or him they made a mistake about you. When cheated on your seen as weak or not good enough its why people cheat, not for less of a man or woman but more in their eyes.

I decided today that I wont speak to her again after last night telling her and I know she thinks he'll be back, LOL. I made up my mind after seeing dude staying their innocent or not I see bad you dont need to see or know sex to know sex occurred.

Good luck to all going thru a bad break up, fight and show her or him they arent your GOD!!! AMEN


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## RedTool (Feb 10, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your responses. They are very helpful, and I appreciate them.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'm not condoning sexting!! It was totally wrong and she was untrustworthy. I get it. My only point was to all those saying it was definitely a PA is ....not necessarily.


You are correct. But this is TAM where one persons experience in one situation becomes certain proof for every other similar situation.

Not condoning the EA or the sexting in any way. This is supposed to be a support forum and not an en masse judge, jury and executioner.


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

RedTool said:


> "it wouldn't have happened if you met my needs"


I would like to be sympathetic but I don't have enough information. I know that others jumped in to give you support (and you might deserve a lot of support) but I would have to know the circumstances first. By your description, I can't tell if she is rejecting you or you are rejecting her or it is something else entirely. What need of hers (according to her) are you not meeting? 

If she is rejecting you on the basis of something inherent to you then that isn't your fault. For example, if she is seeking someone taller, more attractive, with more hair, or more well endowed, these are things that you can't change. Some things like weight or fitness or money might be changed but generally these things can only be reasonably criticized if someone is putting in little or no effort. In other words, it would be unreasonable to expect someone to have the muscle definition of a bodybuilder but not unreasonable to take a walk instead of sitting on the couch. It could be reasonable to expect someone to work a full-time job instead of a part-time job but probably not reasonable to expect someone's salary to double.

It could also be the case that you are rejecting her if for example you were shutting down fantasies or sexual activities that she was particularly interested in. This could be reasonable or unreasonable. For example, if she wanted to exchange sex messages with you that doesn't seem unreasonable unless she wanted it while you were working or so often that it was interfering with other things. It could also be the case if she wanted more physical contact or affection or what have you. Seeking sexting from someone else to replace affection would not be entirely unreasonable.

But it could also be something else. Your post is so broad that I can't tell if her behavior is horrible, forgivable, or even understandable. You've tried very hard to paint her as the person at fault and that might be the case. However, you two could just be so far apart in what you are comfortable with that you have no hope of matching. I would have to know more before I could agree that she was at fault.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Um, no.
If WW is unhappy in a relationship she has options that don't involve turning to another man. She chose that path and all the pain that comes with. And there will be pain for her, too. Just not now.

It really doesn't matter what OP did. He didn't cheat, lie and blame-shift. He is not responsible for her poor choices.


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> It really doesn't matter what OP did.


It might be nice to be able to deal in absolutes but I've generally found that people are more complicated than that. And without a crystal ball, I couldn't begin to leap to that kind of judging.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Just jumping in here.

here is a similar thread that may be interesting to you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/169786-breached-trust.html

I think if you pm-ed Lonelyhusband he would be glad to reply.

Living with a partner that you have no confidence in would be very hard.

I wish you well, take care.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

scientia said:


> It might be nice to be able to deal in absolutes but I've generally found that people are more complicated than that. And without a crystal ball, I couldn't begin to leap to that kind of judging.


There is a WORLD of difference between taking joint responsibility for poor communication in a relationship, unequal support at home, passive-aggressive conflict resolution that both parties in a relationship participate in, (Yes, they both contribute to various problems in the relationship) and assigning blame on the BS for infidelity, albeit EA/PA/sexting.

The decision to seek support/gratification with someone outside the marriage is 100% on the person who made that choice. There are always options that don't involve bringing a third person on the marriage.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

RedTool said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses. They are very helpful, and I appreciate them.


Red:

Decorum is right. I'd be happy to PM with you.

I know a lot of folks here have beeh through a lot, but I am a firm believer that if you've not been the victim of an EA, you can't really appreciate the toll.

In hindsight, I would've MUCH rather have walked in on a PA than gone through a very long EA. With a PA, you can get angry, maybe become a little violent for a while, and then just get back to normal. An EA tears out the foundation.

Again - I don't think most people understand until they've been there.

Best of luck, OP.

Take care....

BTW - The thread Decorum linked is gone. Don't know why, but it is...


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