# Contacted a lawyer today



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

After a long time contemplating divorce, I took one step closer today. I went online and contacted a divorce lawyer. It was a website called illlinoisdivorce.com and it offers a free phone consult. They also send you a booklet and emails that answer questions one might have, offer suggestions about what or what not to do, offer a therapist contact service if counseling is preferred either to prevent divorce or to deal with it, etc.... I am waiting for a lawyer from the site to call.

Sounds minute, but it's a huge step for me. I am a Christian, a former church pastor, and my wife is a missionary's daughter. Divorce is not an acceptable alternative to most Christians unless sexual immorality or infidelity is involved. This is not an easy decision for me, something I have prayerfully considered. We have two children, one in high school and the other in college. 

There are two issues for me, neither have been solved through counseling. She has told me more than once that she does not respect me because she can not respect a man she does not agree with. The last time I remember having sex with my wife was when our son was three -- because there was a miscarriage that occurred around that time. Affection completely died at that same time. My wife does not want to do anything to change our physical relationship and has left the decision about our marriage up to me. 

What are the next few months going to be like?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Thanks for the encouragement. I also consider that she has broken her vow and has not been my wife for some time now. As far as being miserable, I don't think I am. I just do not have hope for a satisfying marriage.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Talking to legal council and getting information is great. You probably wont like a great deal of what he says just from a money and numbers standpoint but you need to know and understand the process. Nothing worse than being surprised and various steps.

How would the next few months go? A great deal will depend on how much she fights you on things, just because she tells you to make the decision doesn’t mean she thinks you will do it. 

Once you file it will be an emotional time for you no matter what and you will question yourself a great deal. The more you prepare for the business of getting divorced the less fighting or discussions you will need to have and will make it easier for you.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

honcho said:


> Talking to legal council and getting information is great. You probably wont like a great deal of what he says just from a money and numbers standpoint but you need to know and understand the process. Nothing worse than being surprised and various steps.
> 
> How would the next few months go? A great deal will depend on how much she fights you on things, just because she tells you to make the decision doesn’t mean she thinks you will do it.
> 
> Once you file it will be an emotional time for you no matter what and you will question yourself a great deal. The more you prepare for the business of getting divorced the less fighting or discussions you will need to have and will make it easier for you.


Thanks for the encouragement and it sounds like you speak from experience. 

I just finished talking with a lawyer this afternoon, the one I had contacted for I consult at the time I posted this thread. He asked a lot of questions, put my mind at a bit more ease about the possible financial challenges not only for me but for my wife. I came away from the conversation thinking that this is something I can survive. So can she but she will have to take responsibility for herself for the first time in 22 years. That alone will make this a fight. She wants me to do everything for her and this is something I will not do for her.. except make the hard decision that she has left up to me.

I have a few weeks to get ready to give her my decision. Our daughter goes to college next month. When she is gone, I am going to sit down with my wife to talk, tell her that I am going to file for divorce.

I have told my parents. They support my decision. That was important to me. So do my siblings.

Why do I feel at peace?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm guessing you're at peace because you're finally taking steps to making your life better. I know the relief I felt when I started doing that...

What don't you and your wife agree on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm guessing you're at peace because you're finally taking steps to making your life better. I know the relief I felt when I started doing that...
> 
> What don't you and your wife agree on?
> 
> ...


Did the relief continue? How long did it take for you get to the point of taking the step? It has taken a long time for me.

The biggest issue is respect. She says she can not respect a man she does not agree with. A lot of that is manifested in the way each of us approaches our children. It is also a spiritual issue as we are both Christians, but she is much more conservative than I am.

Then there is the issue of sex. My best guess is that it has been at least ten years. She has finally laid the responsibility on me to do something about it, but I do not want a woman who does not want me. It would be a farce. I no longer have any desire for her. But I have desire, part of the reason I want to move on. I can not honorably do anything about that until I have moved on.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

> She says she can not respect a man she does not agree with.......





> Then there is the issue of sex. My best guess is that it has been at least ten years...........


In my view the only mistake you have made with moving forward with a divorce is to not have taken action sooner. The way your wife has been treating you for multiple years is outrageous.

I have to ask........does your wife have a real job / profession which she could support herself on or is she riding your paycheck through life?

Remember - The family court system is not sympathetic to men; be prepared to take a beating, both financial and emotional. I suspect the price you will pay will be well worth it to gain your freedom from this woman.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Counterfit said:


> I have to ask........does your wife have a real job / profession which she could support herself on or is she riding your paycheck through life?


That has been another issue. She refuses to budget, uses grocery money for things other than groceries and never plans a meal. Until the last two years, she was a SAHM. Now she is the lunch lady at our elementary school.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> After a long time contemplating divorce, I took one step closer today. I went online and contacted a divorce lawyer. It was a website called illlinoisdivorce.com and it offers a free phone consult. They also send you a booklet and emails that answer questions one might have, offer suggestions about what or what not to do, offer a therapist contact service if counseling is preferred either to prevent divorce or to deal with it, etc.... I am waiting for a lawyer from the site to call.
> 
> Sounds minute, but it's a huge step for me. I am a Christian, a former church pastor, and my wife is a missionary's daughter. Divorce is not an acceptable alternative to most Christians unless sexual immorality or infidelity is involved. This is not an easy decision for me, something I have prayerfully considered. We have two children, one in high school and the other in college.
> 
> ...


You two have stayed together so long not loving each other (as man and wife), it seems like this will be a weight off of your shoulders pretty soon. If your son's in high school then it's been anywhere from 11-15 years since you remember having sex with your wife. You haven't been married for a long time. You're just getting the paperwork cleaned up.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You have a sense of peace because you have a better understanding of the divorce process and deep down after the talk it just reaffirmed inside your decision to move forward. 

The whole respecting a man she doesn’t agree with just sticks with me. You cant be a yes man your whole life. You have been a provider for her, she hasn’t been a loving wife.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

honcho said:


> The whole respecting a man she doesn’t agree with just sticks with me. You cant be a yes man your whole life. You have been a provider for her, she hasn’t been a loving wife.


That is the thing -- I am not a yes man. My wife is the youngest of seven daughters, raised over seas, and her father was married more to his job than his family. Her mother ran the household and was left to make the majority of the family decisions, was on her own a lot. Because her father really had little to do with discipline, coupled with her family being all women, her family environment was different than mine. So she doesn't like the input I give, the discipline. 

As well her mother and older sisters did everything for her, still do, and my parents encouraged independence. For instance, if I wanted to play on the school sports team, go to camp, have the expensive baseball glove I either had to wait for my birthday or Christmas or find a way to pay the majority (usually not all) myself. My wife does not expect that from our children at all. She did not enforce a healthy bedtime and I gave up fighting about it, so now we have a teenage son with terrible sleep habits as well as atrocious eating habits due to being indulged (as well as never having planned meals -- he simply turns up his nose and insists his mother go get some fast food for him to eat and she obliges).

A year ago, I sat down with my father in law and asked him questions about his relationship with his wife and daughters as my wife was growing up. Some of the above I found out from him during our conversation. He answered questions about how they fought, expressed his shame for being away so much, talked about their relationship with me. The relationship I have with my FIL is one of the reasons I have delayed divorce. He will be upset and disappointed. Two of his daughters have already gone through divorce(s).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She is going to find out in a hurry what it is like to experience the stresses of life. You have insulated her from these things, and she depends on them, yet she is completely disrespectful towards you.

Hold your head high and continue on your new path.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> She is going to find out in a hurry what it is like to experience the stresses of life. You have insulated her from these things, and she depends on them, yet she is completely disrespectful towards you.
> 
> Hold your head high and continue on your new path.


Although I am not a lawyer I think the more likely scenerio is that he is going to find out in a hurry how the Family Court System treats men who have dependent children and financially dependent wives who are filing for divorce............

His wife has been a "Stay at Home Mom" (No Income) until the last two years and she is now employed as a "lunch lady" at an elementary school (Low Income) AND they still have a dependent child. They also have a second child in college.

I am not a lawyer but I suspect the Family Court System will essentially wipe him out financially.......I can hear his wife's divorce attorney now....."He is a selfish father who is sexually bored so he is abandoning his wife and children to satisfy his own selfish needs......and his poor innocent wife gave up everything to be a stay at home mom".

I think she will walk away with almost everything they now own as a couple........including the home.

(This type of situation is why men should never get married........)


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Counterfit said:


> Although I am not a lawyer II think she will walk away with almost everything they now own as a couple........including the home.
> 
> (This type of situation is why men should never get married........)


Umm... not possible, although I appreciate the devil's advocate stance.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Impossible, to a point yes but that doesn’t stop them from asking for the moon and stars. The more complete and encompassing of a plan you have on day one, the more in control of the situation so to speak the better off you will be. 

Too often in divorce it seems whats hers is hers, and what is yours is ours to be split. Its often the mentality and where the fun of divorce is.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> Umm... not possible, although I appreciate the devil's advocate stance.


She will have primary custody of your remaining dependent child - count on substantial child support payments from you to her. The court will likely extend those payments to include college education expenses for both children.

Your home - she will keep it because it will be in the best interest of the dependent child to remain in the home.

Alimony to her - count on it. She "gave up her entire working career" rofl to raise your children. The court will likely factor in the mortgage payments she will have to make on her home.....formerly your home.

The Family Court System is brutal towards men leaving a marriage in which the woman has been a stay at home mother and in which dependent children are still in the picture.......the bottom line is the court wants to ensure that the tax payers are not on the hook for this mess of a marriage and you are.

You are living in a dream world if you think you will walk away with anything close to 50% of your current net worth in this situation.......talk to an experienced divorce attorney.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Half expect to have her bring back sex hardcore. When my wife knew I was hours away from full filing... She surrendered and changed many things. Sex went from1 to2 a month to 4 to 7 a week. Good wet sloppy sex.

She may go nuke b!tch.

Btw. Your wife abandoned the marriage about fifteen years ago. Most men bond to their wives through her responding enthusiastically to your leaving a sticky mess between her legs.

Counterfit is possibly correct. Depends on the state. Her age. Your age. Her skills. Income...

One child is close to adulthood iirc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Weightlifter... dude...

Holy f*ck your posts are awesome.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Half expect to have her bring back sex hardcore. When my wife knew I was hours away from full filing... She surrendered and changed many things. Sex went from1 to2 a month to 4 to 7 a week. Good wet sloppy sex.
> 
> She may go nuke b!tch.
> 
> ...


wantolove just needs to remember.......

1. Statistically speaking, you shouldn’t worry about what your first wife’s mother looks like.

2. A marriage is like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over............

3. Money can't buy happiness but it solves 95% of the problems that make you unhappy.

4. Hot girls will never know if they are actually interesting or not.

5. " Why did he get married ? It's betting some chick half of his net worth that he will love her forever.”

6. If you have a good metabolism, a full head of hair, and a good job, don't marry young. Wait 10 years, then take your pick.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Half expect to have her bring back sex hardcore.


Had it ever been hardcore, then I guess I might be a man ***** and take it. However, it never was ever hardcore, always lights out and dutiful.


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