# Need man's perspective on situation



## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

In a nutshell, my wife has for the most part shut down. She does still verbally appreciate me and generally communicative if I engage her, but she appears quite unhappy, hates talking about her feelings (different, right?) and I'm not really sure if even loves me anymore.

The facts: Married over 1 yr, she moved to a state she doesn't like, away from friends and family, new job (doesn't like - but now stuck in a contract), has to deal with 2 teenage boys (good kids, but busy and a handful), a toxic, venomous ex.

She took this stuff on with a good attitude in the beginning. I got caught up in the BS, most likely wasn't supportive enough in the beginning, then she got overwhelmed with it all. The rub is that she told me several times she wanted out, but took no action. This really screwed me up - I really love this woman. Things have calmed down, but recently she's shut down more and more and retreated into her own cave.

I am willing to work very hard on this and take the initiative if I know that she hasn't completely checked out. Getting an honest answer on if she loves me and wants to be with me may be difficult. Last time I approached it, I more or less got a blank stare.

I posted this in the general discussion at: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/31054-not-sure-what-do-please-advise.html

There's more info and insights there. I've gotten good/bad feedback from a number of women, but want more feedback from men. 

What do you think? What would you do?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

> Last time I approached it, I more or less got a blank stare.


Not sure what you should do, but if this is your response from her to a very easy question, it doesn't look good. You can fight to try to save it but if she's no longer into it.....


----------



## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Not sure what you should do, but if this is your response from her to a very easy question, it doesn't look good. You can fight to try to save it but if she's no longer into it.....


That was my impression as well. It was weird b/c she followed that up later the next 2 days with being really affectionate and into me, but as soon as she got back to work, back to status quo.

I think all I can do is to get straight answer from her once and for wall. If she's willing to try, then I'm in and I'll put in a lot of effort. If not, then it's time to move on.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My three thoughts:

1) Read the manning up/Nice guy stuff in this forum. It is gold.

2) "I am willing to work very hard on this and take the initiative if I know that she hasn't completely checked out." - Why the if? You are the one who wants the relationship back, so you should be putting in the effort. It's up to YOU to take the initiative to try to get her to un-check out at this point, whether you like it or not. Because she is happy with the status quo.

3) You came here for help but I think you should re-read some of the help you got in the other thread.

For example, Tunera is a woman with 7000+ posts try to help folks out, and her last post in your thread says that her impression is that you want her to bow out. Your wife is also bowing out. There is a pattern here in my opinion.

To change things, you are going to really need to shake things up. As crazy as it sounds, the women might actually know more about about how they work than us men. I admit when I first started coming here, the women seemed very argumentative to me. The truth was, I wasn't ready to listen yet.

You can see my thread if you want... once I actually started listening and acting, the entire ball game has changed.

Just my two cents.


----------



## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

Acorn said:


> My three thoughts:
> 
> 1) Read the manning up/Nice guy stuff in this forum. It is gold.
> 
> ...


Your points are well taken. I agree that the women have the better perspective but I think they can also lean toward more of a man-bashing perspective. At this stage, sometimes whether they are right or not, I'm not ready to hear it all.

I'm stuck on this "if she loves me and wants a better then I will ..." Maybe that's not the right perspective. Maybe I shouldn't even broach that part and just say I want to make this better for the both of us and start taking massive action. What do you think?

I will read more on #1. 

I'd also like to read your thread, please post the link.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

qigong said:


> Your points are well taken. I agree that the women have the better perspective but I think they can also lean toward more of a man-bashing perspective. At this stage, sometimes whether they are right or not, I'm not ready to hear it all.
> 
> I'm stuck on this "if she loves me and wants a better then I will ..." Maybe that's not the right perspective. Maybe I shouldn't even broach that part and just say I want to make this better for the both of us and start taking massive action. What do you think?
> 
> ...


I think in time it gets easier to hear new ideas without feeling man-bashed. Think of it this way - your marriage is on its last legs. You've been trying it your way for years and it hasn't worked. At this point, what do you have to lose trying something new?

Yes, just start taking massive action. I am learning the whole pro-active vs. reactive thing myself. In my head I think of it like this: The pro-active businessman sees a need in a community for a fish restaurant, he builds it, hires the best chefs and makes the best food, and lets the people come to him. The reactive one waits until people protest in the streets crying out for seafood, and only then starts building. You see which one is the better businessman... and just like people aren't going to cry out in the streets for seafood, your wife is probably not going to give you the "OK hun, you can start trying now." speech that you want to hear.

My thread starts on what I thought was a problem, and by the end, I have completely changed the way I see things. It is in large part due to posters here and an open mind. Some of my posts are not my finest hour btw. Here it is, hope it helps.


----------



## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I think in time it gets easier to hear new ideas without feeling man-bashed. Think of it this way - your marriage is on its last legs. You've been trying it your way for years and it hasn't worked. At this point, what do you have to lose trying something new?
> 
> Yes, just start taking massive action. I am learning the whole pro-active vs. reactive thing myself. In my head I think of it like this: The pro-active businessman sees a need in a community for a fish restaurant, he builds it, hires the best chefs and makes the best food, and lets the people come to him. The reactive one waits until people protest in the streets crying out for seafood, and only then starts building. You see which one is the better businessman... and just like people aren't going to cry out in the streets for seafood, your wife is probably not going to give you the "OK hun, you can start trying now." speech that you want to hear.
> 
> My thread starts on what I thought was a problem, and by the end, I have completely changed the way I see things. It is in large part due to posters here and an open mind. Some of my posts are not my finest hour btw. Here it is, hope it helps.


Thanks, that's a good point re: proactive. It's a lot easier to sit on my laurels and b***h about it. To hell with easy. 

I look forward to reading your thread. Thanks for sharing.


----------

