# I am done believing, I am done with this crap! I don't want to hurt anymore.



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Gee it must be very tough to deal with knowing that someone loves you unconditionally and would give just about anything for you to come home. I wouldn't know I am not in those shoes. My shoes are old and faded and when I click my heels nothing happens. I have been rejected yet again. I can't friggin take this anymore. It is has been 9 months and the pain is so immense. When will it stop? I wish I could move on but I truly love him. He is my husband which meant for life and the father of my children. The family that he begged me for. How ironic! It makes my stomach turn. I don't want to cry anymore but it come in waves. Big waves more like a sunamie. 
I guess I am just venting. My best friend that I usually vent to is in the hospital fighting for his life right now. I wish my ******* husband would get how precious life is. Our kids are going to be affected and not just for a day but for the rest of their lives. It is disgusting and I feel sick to my stomach. It hurts as much today as it did when he first walked out on me. This hurts so much more then when a loved one dies. At least you know that when someone dies its not because they don't love you anymore or that they want to hurt you or leave you. To know that someone can look you in the face and leave you knowing how much pain they are causing everyone is astounding. I hope I get to see Karma when it pays a visit this time (and it will)


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe,
I can hear the frustration and anger at your H for overlooking the love that is his.....
even through the pain we keep on hoping because it just doesn't make any sense 
what is the pay off for them?
I am so sorry for your hurt and pain and anguish....
wish I could say something to alleviate it


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I am so sorry for your pain, this is how I felt during my divorce. I will tell you that time heals all wounds and today I have found a mate that is much better for me. So in the end it was OK. Also, my children did much better than I expected and seem just fine. But it is OK to vent, we all need it...


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

I can see you one seat in front of me on this roller coaster. It hurts so much to sit in an empty apartment every night when back in the home we would have family game nights, movies and lots of fun. I cant believe I have been out for 2 months, temporary orders are going through court and it is still a long road because I am in so much love with my wife. This is her choice and she had plenty of time to think about it and it sucks. I am fighting a long hard road of seeing the kids more often, I am a very big hands on dad with them. Everythnig from playing, homework, eating dinner together and bathing reading and tucking them in. I wish I knew where the hurt switch is like my wife turned off.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

tryingto 
why did you have to leave when she is the one that wants out?


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm so sorry Believe. I know the pain. And there are days that it's so intense, you can't breathe. Those are the days that you have to take life second by second, minute by minute. Just breathe. Just breathe. Sit in your pain for a while. When we resist is when we struggle the most.

Thinking of you.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Believe said:


> I have been rejected yet again. I can't friggin take this anymore.


Rejected how? Did he come home and leave again?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Chuck, I'm surprised to hear that your divorce was painful when you cheated so much on her. 

Believe : Sorry to hear about your friend. That must be really hard for you right now because you are at once sad for your own potential loss, but also worried about your friend. I hope he/she pulls through for both of you.

I know you're hurt and angry at the same time. They're terribly painful feelings. But I guess you're going to have to just give up on him and try to regain control of your life without the jerk. Living well is the best revenge. Show him!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe: The condition of your good friend brings it all home. Life is short to put up with the bullsh_t! You've been there for your H....you are probably wondering what if YOU were in the hospital would he even come to visit? That is the sad thing...you are giving and not receiving.

You have every right to be DONE! Sometimes once you are done...they get scared and want back....don't be surprised.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your posts. It was just one of those moments.(one of many) Corpus- I so thought of that! What would have happened if I were the one that was sick? Would he be there? My friend's partner is there all the time and they are so in love. It totally brings it all home. Life is short and being selfish is not going to help these spouses. Like I said Karma will pay a visit!


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Believe said:


> It hurts as much today as it did when he first walked out on me. This hurts so much more then when a loved one dies. At least you know that when someone dies its not because they don't love you anymore or that they want to hurt you or leave you. To know that someone can look you in the face and leave you knowing how much pain they are causing everyone is astounding. I hope I get to see Karma when it pays a visit this time (and it will)


I agree completely. Given the choice, I would have preferred that Monique die instead at any point during our first 8 or 9 years together, before she left me in the awful way that she did 5 months ago. The loneliness is what's messing with me so badly in recent weeks. She was too afraid to be alone, or even stay with her brother and his family for free (which isn't even being alone), but she was too afraid to leave until she found some other guy online on the other side of the country who tld her to come be with him. How could she leave me completely alone when I have no family, when she was too afraid to be alone? It's beyond selfish.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

yes that's exactly what it is. Selfishness. I am sorry for your pain also. I wish there was a pill or something we could take to go through this withdrawal much easier.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

OMG! I feel your pain. I have been seperated for 2 months and after he cheated on me and after all the verbal and emotional abuse I still want him back. I wish these feelings for him would go away. But how can they go so fast after 12 years. How can he stop loving me after 12. from one day to the next.

I know your pain and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Remember. God only gives us what we can handle. 

I hope our pain goes away sooner than later. Time is our enemy right now!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I understand the pain and frustration you are going through. I am there as well.

My husband told me he doesn't miss me. How can you say that to a person you've spent 7 years of your life with? 

Keep your head up. I'll say it again: YOU are the most important person in your relationship!!


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## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

I agree with the last 2 posters in that it's just inconceivable to me how there are people out there in long term marriages who just leave, and don't miss / love you anymore. I mean, I can understand that if one spouse is beating / cheating / drug abusing / not working or very careless with money, but without any of those "classic" breakup things happening, then what makes one spouse leave the other in any sort of rational explanation?
I guess it's because I'm a very committed / creature of habit sort of person perhaps, but I fully meant it on 2/25/00 when I said "till death do us part".


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I was sitting at home tonight with the H and kids and was listening to my H tell the kids all about his plans for them in the future and it dawned on me.....he never spoke of me or us in the future since we have been married. I can not take this anymore. This is just pure suffering. So I guess his plans for our children will include another women to stand by him. UGH! I try to relax..I try to meditate...I try to breathe....I try to just live in the moment. But somedays all of that just doesn't happen. Some days I whallow in what could of should of been and how hurt and lonely I am. I need some answers. 
Am I really stupid for holding on so long? Has he truly moved on and given up on us? Am I faced with a life as a single mother? Will divorce actually happen? Will he ever wake up one morning (on the floor he has been sleeping on) and realize that he would rather be here waking up next to me and saying good morning to his kids? Was I ever a part of his future? Can you still have sex with someone and shut off all your feelings and emotions? 
He is going away on Nov 1st. Should I tell him that while he is away I do not want any contact and that I want him to use the time with his family to figure what is important in his life? Should I expect an answer when he returns so that I can either move on or love him fiercely? Why don't I have a crystal ball that I can look into? I feel like all the walls are closing in on me and I am going to break. I am getting it from every direction...marriage, parenting, work, loss of friends, lack of money for school. How much is enough?
All I wanted was to wake up to his face everyday..


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Believe - sounds like you are going through a rough time right now & venting is great to let off some of those emotions. I find once you put it in black & white it helps to clear your head. 
I am sorry to hear about your sick friend in the hospital - I do hope they can pull through it & recover quickly. Unfortunately, having your friend in that situation has got you thinking about loss - which is never a pleasant topic. 

I had had started a thread at 1 point - "grieving the loss of a marriage" - mentioning some of the things you mentioned above - that how can someone just stop loving you & give up? and dealing with our loss of "living happily ever after with our spouse". That whole concept was difficult for me to come to terms with - this is NOT what I had planned for in my marriage. But I finally came to terms with that we no longer had a marriage - as much as I didn't want that to happen and I could now move on with my life. 
I am sure you are & were like me holding onto any last shred of "hope" & believing you & your husband could work things out. But when that hope finally dies - the reality of the situation sets in. And I guess that is where you are at now . . . It is a tough place but hopefully now you are ready to move forward & start making choices that will make you happy. 

I am not sure how old your kids are but hopefully they will make the adjustment well- they often say that the better relations that the father & mother have will make it easier for the kids. You want to make decisions that will protect them & make it as easy on them as possible, but you also need to make decisions based on what is going to make you happy. 
I know that might seem like a difficult place to get to these days but stick with it & stay positive & things will improve. 

And most importantly, remember there is nothing wrong with you, this is something your husband is dealing with & it is not about you. He may try to blame you but basically he is just being selfish right now & will once day wake up & realize his loss - "in you". 
Start rebuilding your life one day at a time - best wishes. And you know where you can come if you need to vent


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

B: It's difficult to set boundaries when you feel there is a glimmer of hope for your marriage. I thought all along from Oct 08 to July 09 that my H would turn around. Every move and word was analyzed for meaning. 

Nothing changed. During separation I did the LMBT for 2 months. 

Now he's already filed and is friendlier than ever and loves to connect with me. Mixed messages-yes. I quit reading into anything. Sort of self preservation.

You do what benefits YOU. If you are uncomfortable with something but are only doing it because he may get mad or leave, than he was going to leave anyway (eventually). 

If you would like the no contact thing while he's gone than do it. Do not stop yourself from doing this because you think he will be gone forever. Either he will or he won't-these things won't keep a divorce from happening. He need to be full on 100% in the marriage to keep the marriage on and flourishing. 

Sometimes we think if he recommits and is only 70% committed that we can bring him up to 100%. That is false. He will need to recommit to 100% on his own.

I'm just saying. You need to be selfish and do the things that make you feel comfortable.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

B I agree with CW - 
can I just add something though - 
issuing him with ultimatums probably won't deliver you the clarity you ask for and deserve.....
from what I have read of your situation YOU will have to decide what you want

I 'd say (reading through your posts) that he is much more comfortable with things being messy than you are - 
he may be content to continue in that vein forever - honestly I am not kidding - he isn't feeling the pressure you are -

I had a similar thing with my H athe pain of the pressure that you describe is intolerable over the long term - it is like holding a really heavy weight which is somehow 'inside' you - 

I am not saying that pain and sadness will be over if you make a call on this - but the pressure will go and you can begin to move through the pain, the sadness and that list of 'real' concerns....

and I agree wholeheartedly with CW - marriages (as we understand them) require committment - NOTHING you do - can affect that decision - if it is not 100% his it won't last anyway -

does this make sense?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

K is right. If he was feeling the kind of pressure that you do...he would have been long gone!

I think also that K is correct that he likes it messy...he goes with the flow and how he feels. Nevermind you.

It will be you that will have to draw the lines.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

You guys are right. I just can't seem to draw the lines. Yes he does come and go as he pleases in every aspect of his life and mine. I keep thinking well if he sees that I can remain calm and not question him about stuff then maybe he will think if he came back it would be a lot better. I did put a lot of pressure on him when we were married. The whole where were you? why were you there? why did it take so long to get home? why are you wearing that today? why did you shave your chest and stomach if you know I like the hair? why why why. I was always suggesting that he was trying to impress someone else. Now I think he was really trying to impress me and I never complimented him or showed him respect or appreciated him. I keep thinking if over time he sees that I can change that maybe he would come back. God only knows. 
Thank you ladies for your post. You both rock with your responses.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Oh yeah and K you are right about him liking it messy. He has always been way more laid back and carefree then I ever could be. So yeah this is probably just fine for him. Unfortunately


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I see you probably went to far in one direction during your marriage...not you are going too far in the other direction. Making amends! I know..been there. 

Maybe meeting in the middle. Tell him what you are looking for and what you need. If he's unable to give it to you then draw the line. 

I gave me H a list of boundaries when we separated (verbal list)

1. call before coming over
2. no unneccessary calls except kids/mutual business
3. no major purchases without each others consent
4. no dating others

That was for me...I was doing LMBT and followed it perfectly. He behaved! haha 

Now..I backed away from LMBT since he said he still wanted a divorce and filed. Why worry. HE will come back eventually. Why wouldn't he. Everything he wants is in his back yard. He is just wanting to borrow from the neighbors. It doesn't make sense.

You need to do what is best for YOU. Keep that in mind always.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

B you are just still working through what you want - you _will _work it out - 
can I just say you sound like you are close to breaking point and so I am a bit worried about you - 
hence all the advcie! 

and sorry here's some more - 
if you can try to avoid blaming yourself - whatever 'mistakes' you made in your relationship - whatever you would like to do differently is _not _the main game at the moment....

it takes two to break and make a relationship and it's not always 50/50 split....

facts are you don't seem clear that your H wants to work the marriage out with you...

he needs to meet you there -

until he does there is no moving forward 'together'

now this doesn't mean that you can't stay in the 'messy' stuff for as long as you want - as long as it is what you are choosing -

however as you are seeing it is like treadingwater and we can't physically do that forever - that is why you are feeling the pressure 

if CW and I sound like we know what we are talking about it is only because we have been there -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

To add to K..."we been there" and it's no fun! 

In fact, both K and I can attest that once they leave (contact wise) you start to think clearer...


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Believe - please do not blame yourself for any of this. yes could you have done somethings better - probably. But we all make mistakes but most importantly we need to learn from our mistakes. 

Once all the pain & emotions clear - hopefully you will be able to see things more clearly & rationally. Like several have said above - sometimes we are so desperate to have our spouse come back that we try to "change" to what we think they want & make many sacrafices to "get them back". But in the end we are not always being true to ourselves - which is ultimately going to bring us all happiness. We are afraid & will risk much to feel that happiness & love again. Only to be dissappointed once again. 
do what is right & feels right for you if you do it for any other reason you many regtit town the road.

I once told CW that she was overanalyzing & reading in her husbands behaviors, action & litterlly his everyword - hoping to not to "mess up" & then blame yourself. You don't need that pressure & to be living your life & basing decsions on what your husband thinks.

Bottom line - do what makes YOu happy & go with it. Believe althou you may feel very confused & unsure at the moment. You have almost made it & hopefully you will gain clarity on many things to come in the near future.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi Believe, 
Life is such a mystery. I never ever thought my marriage would be where it's at today either. It really hurts when you love them too...
But I would rather LOVE myself first. No one else is going to do that but you...

I know letting go of that EVERYDAY norm isn't easy. 

I always supported his career and never once in the sixteen years... DID I say this is what I need to do for myself..(until last May)..I was just the homemaker and a mother.

You have to concentrate on YOU...be good to yourself...

Peace


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

My situation is still very fresh and I have found that in just a few days of no contact with my H, that while I still think of him and wonder what he is doing, it is in a sense easier. I keep my cell phone away from me (yes I do still find myself checking it occasionally) but I force myself to try to think of other things. We had been talking all the time on the phone and it got out of control. When i wouldn't hear from him, or when he would say he would call and didn't, that in a way was worse for me. So what I did is I gave him a list (kinda like Corpus did) and one of them was that we need to have set days that we talk and we keep it just about the kids. I told him that Thurs, its now Sat, and yes it sucks, but it is a little easier, and trust anything that eases the pain slightly can help make the burden a little easier to bear.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I haven't even been able to go on this board and read the stories lately. It seems to be the same old story over and over again. Just different players in each one. 
It tears me apart. It seems to me that there is no right or wrong. The basic fact is that there are true good people and then there are selfish a holes. The good people always get hurt and stepped on. The A holes seem to just go right on living their stupid lives!!!!!!!!!!! They don't even realize how much they have hurt the other person and quite frankly they don't give a rats a**. And that my friends is just the way it is. The cycle of relationship and it f***in sucks.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Believe - it is great to hear from you - but sorry you are feeling so low - I know what you mean about the stories though - they just keep coming don't they? And it is like a testament to how very unfair life seems to be sometimes....
I must admit I post now to catch up with everyone - just check in - touch base a bit of relationship talk keeps me sane - well not as crazy as I could be.... how's it going?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

You are right Believe it is the same old stories w/different people playing the roles. Very sad, it seems there's always one who loves unconditionally through all the bullsh*t, lows and highs, one who would do anything not to lose their everything and the other who leaves and goes about their marry way w/o an incling of a clue as to how much pain, scarring, and emotional havoc they've wreaked on the other. Thing is the one who leaves will one day regret it, and then it will suck to be them because most of the time they regret it later rather than sooner, and it seems alot of them leave because they have issues within themselves and it's easier to run rather than deal with them, they'd rather go start anew and hide said issues from new person until that person figures it out and then they run again. 

I feel your pain. It sucks, I have no advice as to when it will subside, or how to deal with it. My divorce was final back in June and I'm still dealing w/it. I still miss the hell out of my ex and I still have no answers or concrete reasons as to why. I have a feeling that one day he'll realise his mistake or cowardness, quite possibly may have already but will never (at least not in the present) admit it to himself or anyone else as that would mean that he was wrong, and that he has issues, of which he refuses to deal with. 

All I can say is we all support you and wish you the best. How are you? Keep posting even if its just in your own thread. 

Thinking of you. 
Rhea


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