# Wives who dont like porn, or men whos wife doesnt like porn- READ!!



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

So I just have a quick question to see if my general thoughts on the topic are right......

For the women that do NOT like their spouses watching porn: were you even cheated on? On hurt in some similar way (maybe an emotional affair or something else along that line?) 

Also, if you were, was it with your current spouse? 

And Men: If your wife does NOT like you watching porn- do you know if they were ever cheated on or hurt emotionally in a relationship, either by you or and ex? 

I do tend to believe that women who don't lilke porn- and feel insecure about it- probably never felt that way until something happening in their relationships to make them that way.... I could be wrong- but hey! Thats why im asking.....

I personally have been hurt in the past (messing around with boyfriend and his ex girlfriend-kissing and such- all in good fun until he wanted to have sex, and i didnt- which led to me watching him have sex with him ex-- LONG STORY) which for me, made me VERY insecure about myself- and gave birth to my insecurities about porn....

Anyways, just wondering what everyone else thinks about it??


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## sadbear26 (Feb 16, 2010)

hey there at first wife was very not wanting to watch but after a awhile she started to enjoy wacthing it together but later admitted that she used to only watch it alone. i guess everybodys different ya know? sorry couldnt be more helpful


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Hey sadbear......ya i have and still do watch it from time to time by myself, and also watch it with hubs occasionally. I guess after what happened in my situation, its hard to get that he feels the same way i do about it- that its fun and nothing more-- 

just curious if anyone else has been hurt in the past and because feels the same way.... (i dont remember ever being bothered by it until i got hurt)


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

My wife loathes porn...either by both of us watching it or me watching it alone. Her ex-husband presented himself as this clean cut guy who lived "right". One day, while cleaning up in the basement, she came across a box filled with porn movies. She confronted him about it and he claimed it was his brothers. She asked the brother about it and he said they weren't his and "if they were mine, why would I store them in your basement?".

She became upset at that point and began to question her abilities in bed with him (most of the movies were newer than their wedding year so it was obvious he had been buying them after they were married). Slowly, information about this guy began to leak out...the fact he was abusive to his previous girlfriends, he was unfaithful, etc.

I think this experience soured her on porn and the good things that can come from a loving couple watching certain types of porn (not the trashy stuff). There are some very good erotic movies out there and she can't bring herself to watch those. She says it is hard for her to watch and that it does nothing to her watching other people have sex.

Personally, I've had a few ex-girlfriends who were into watching erotica (one actually loved it so much she had her own collection) and I don't see what the problem is provided it doesn't become a regular precursor to having sex. Once in awhile to keep things fresh and interesting is alright by me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it will ever happen in my current marriage, though. Thanks to hubby #1 who more than likely ****ed it up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SweetiepieMI:

I think you are on to something here. I believe what you are suggesting DEFINETLY plays a role, more times than not anyway. 

I am SO open to Porn & I have a very loving ever faithful husband. We have even went to strip clubs together & I allow him lap dances. If He EVER cheated on me, I would NOT be comfortable doing these things, and I don't recommend this kind of entertainment if your man or husband is lured by temptation easily or has a history of hiding things or ever being unfaithful. 

I did not always enjoy porn, but that had more to do with being sexually inhibited, religious thinking (sex was dirty, women shouldn't dress to Entice, flirting was bad, etc). My husband has always looked, not always been open about it -cause he knew I would post scriptures on his computer & criticize him. So when I became more OPEN sexually & we talked about these things , I realized how he is just visual & it has little to do with me at all, he always saves himself for me, so all is good. And Porn is not a threat. 

Hetfield - that is a shame your wife can not separate her experience from unfaithful hubby #1 to YOU, a faithful loving husband. IF her feelings and dislike has more to do with her being sexually inhibited , or her hormones are just not raging enough over her experience with #1 , maybe their is HOPE as she gets older & reaches her PRIME , that "cougar" stage.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

See that's my point. I think it definitely stems from some sort of infidelity or betrayel, which makes it extremely hard to get over. The question become, how does one get over it without the fear of getting hurt again......

I do enjoy porn, and like the idea of going to a strip club ( i think it would be fun) but at the same time its hard to wrap my mind around the idea of my hubs getting a lap dance or him watching it without me....

Maybe its because I personally have never ventured beyond his comfort zone, but since he has- it breaks the trust? 

Just something to think about. I once read that its not the porn ITSELF that you can have negative reactions to, it's whats BEHIND the anger/hurt/betrayel etc thats causing it to affect you negatively... Or something like that haha anyways....

Any other personal experiences that you guys have with the subject- whether it bothers you or not, and if youve been hurt in a relationship or not, post reply!! 

Its very interesting to see just how true this idea could be....or how not maybe?


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

I have no problem with my husband looking at porn, on the rare occasions that he does. It amazes me how many women are so insecure and obsessive about this issue. You can't control another person. If you have a husband who is looking at porn, it has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness (or lack thereof), or you not being good enough. Nagging them will not change the behavior. Those are the cold, hard facts.

I have never been cheated on by a man, I've had the same partner all my life and we've been monogamous. Maybe that's why I am not insecure about porn. However, if my husband was obsessed with masturbating over it and ignoring me, there would be a problem, but I still wouldn't think it was because he didn't love or want me.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I was wondering why it's okay for a woman to use a vibrator in the bedroom (or other sex toy) to get up over the hump and a man is supposed to be okay with that but if a man uses porn for "brain stimulation" (vs. clitoral), that's a no-no and disrespectful?

Is this about control? Or self-esteem?

I really don't get it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Let's be honest, the truth is the woman usually only wants to have sex once a week the man needs to release every day. Why not porn? it helps him get off easier. I'd love for my wife to come up to me and say: "from now on, every ejaculation goes in me ok?" i'd say: "fine, bye bye porn" truth is, she only needs to orgasm once/twice a week. 

Now if it is getting in the way of when you do have sex, performance wise for him then I see a big problem. Other than that I don't, and it certanly isn't a betrayal as far as I can tell. My wife has no problem with it and we've watched it together.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Sweetiepie

you raise a lot of really interesting issues here, so I'll try to stick to the central point.

Amongst my women friends and former lovers (not that numerous!) opinions are widely varied. Some are keen on very explicit porn, others like more romantic turn-ons, some hate the whole business altogether. All, I think, have a wide experience of loving and/or sexual relationships and all the highs and lows that go with them. On balance, i reckon more dislike porn than are turned on by it but I'd find it impossible to generalize and attribute their distaste to getting hurt or being cheated on. 

To be more specific, I've had a long-term relationship in which I did introduce porn as a possible source of pleasure. It didn't work. My lover wasn't a perfect size ten and couldn't help compare herself to the air-brushed, industrialized beauty on the page. She felt horribly insecure (but, with your thoughts in mind, I'd never cheated on her). So I gladly stopped that particular experiment.

We came up with a creative solution - to make our own erotic images. It turned into a delightful project, an erotic adventure full of fun and warm intimacy and was as different as can be from the air-brushed, industrialized stuff. I'm still proud of the pictures we did and I'm still moved by them. I love erotica and these are the kind of images that really light my fire and I couldn't be less interested in Playboy-type stuff. I'm puzzled that more couples don't do the same and replace all that anger you mention with a wholesome joy in each other. 

I have more that i'd like to say - and ask - but I'll shut up for now!


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

martino- i have to completely disagree with the comment that women only want sex once a week. Ive had this conversation with my hubs and my perfect number would be 4 times a week. His is 3-4.... With that being said, there have been occasions where we have only had sex 1 time a week- and i dont find that enough at all... I know this varies from woman to woman, but your generalization that all women only want it once a week is completely false.

steve- We have ventured to making our own, and its something that he enjoys, but i dont really get aroused to watching it... (i think this is cause i do enjoy the body of a woman, and obviously dont get aroused by mine--)

oh and scanner- I think its probably both to tell you the truth. I think that when women her hurt in a relationship they do tend to try to control it in an attempt to stop it from happening again....

very interesting subject though...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Sweetiepie,

THanks for you answer but I don't think it answers what I am trying to say.

If let's say I have a vibrator and I am getting busy down there with it and the wife is "Okay, that's just what I needed. . .wait a minute. . .there ya go. Thank you." (more or less, w/out getting graphic)

But if a man watches a porn beforehand (or during) that's bad.

Yet, in our pharmaceutical-laced America, if a man takes a Viagra before, that's okay.

I'm really not trying to be confrontational (well, I guess I am) but I think there's a double standard here.

And I am talking to the general topic of porn. . .I know your circumstance of an ex having sex with an ex-girlfriend in front of you. . .that didn't sound cool. I am not sure one thing has to do with the other though.


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## RunnerGirl (Feb 20, 2010)

I don't mind porn but I think there's an issue here. A lot of woman have been cheated on. If you take the subset of women who don't like porn, there's going to be a lot of women who have been cheated on (as in any other group) so drawing conclusions that the previous infidelities cause the issues with porn is inaccurate because you're asking in a way that causes that biased response. Which is why I'm replying here. I've been cheated on. I don't mind porn. I don't think it's related. Hell, I don't even know any porn stars, and neither does anybody I've ever dated. I think they're the least threat of infidelity from my partner out of anyone


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

I cant stand my H looking at porn it hurts me so bad I WISH I did not care! I wish they had a "dont give a crap" pill that wives can take, I am highly insecure about my body and I think having low self esteem really fuels my hurt feelings when he looks at it
i have tried talking to him about it(telling him to stop) he will never stop looking he loves watching sex..point blank
trying VERY hard to work on my own body to make MYSELF feel good, not for him, but for my own self worth, and MAYBE then I wont care so much when he "gets himself off" 
man I hope so, I hope some women that dont care that there hubby watches can send me some of their "dont give a crap" vibes


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I dislike my H watching porn because he uses that as his sexual outlet (instead of me). He hides it and lies about it through his teeth. So really my resentment is directed towards him, but I do hate the porn. Now if we had a healthy sex life, then I wouldn't get in a huff about it.


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## myerssasha (Mar 6, 2010)

Ok so here is my dilemma. I am 22 yrs old. with three kids and newly married. I was married once before to a man who would neglect my sexual needs to do the "deed" and watch porn which I consistently caught him doing. I did not approve of porn from the start as I had a child hood trauma that made me this way. I have come to terms with that. Now I am newly married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me, but I seem to push him away on regular basis. He is a man and has sexual needs and I do not let him satisfy those needs because of my problems in the past.

I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that. I caught him once and my trust for him is now gone. Now I seem to be looking for things that could be interpreted as negative behavior. I know I need help with this issue but I simply do not have time, not even an hour a week, as I work and go to school. I want him to be able to do what he wants but it hurts me so bad that it feels as though he is cheating on me. 

As I read each blog on here, I now write this blog while I am crying, just because it pisses me off so bad that I have to open old hurtful memories for him to be able to jack off and watch porn. I know that I am being selfish in this field but I don't think that I can bring my self to terms with watching porn or to let him and its now come down to ending our marriage. Over this! It's so stupid I know but I can't do it and I don't know what to do except to desensitize myself which does not work. I just get mad. any advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SweetiepieMI said:


> For the women that do NOT like their spouses watching porn: were you even cheated on? On hurt in some similar way (maybe an emotional affair or something else along that line?)
> 
> Also, if you were, was it with your current spouse?
> 
> ...


That is the case for me- my H hurt me because he used porn as a replacement for our sex life. he shut me out and lied to me about what was going on- for months. He didnt start to shut me out until after i quit my job, left my family and moved states with him. Months after i moved i found out about the porn. suddenly everything started making sense.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

to myer, i completely get how you feel with parts of what you said. I have to been stuggling with the whole porn debate, sometimes the **** bothers me.....sometimes it doesnt.... i think the only thing you can really do is focus on you. You cant control what he does, but you CAN control how you react to it. You CAN control how you feel. Just decide that you are going to focus on you, and decide to be happy. Sometimes a little detachment is important to not let these sort of things bother you. I promise, it will make for a happier you. (it does me)


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

"I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that."

No husband (and no wife) should put up with someone who demands they don't masturbate. What gives anyone the right to control something like this? That's just an unrealistic and ridiculous stipulation. Everyone masturbates, or nearly everyone. Telling your husband that you won't put up with masturbating is setting the both of you up for failure. 

Why not change your mindset and encourage him to masturbate in front of you? That's a turn on for most women (it sure is for me), and you can masturbate alongside him. It's erotic and a change of pace from regular intercourse.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

sierra- Very much agreed..... porn is something that people can have different feelings on, but simple masturbating..... no controlling that. Its like saying dont drink water.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sierra61 said:


> "I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that."
> 
> No husband (and no wife) should put up with someone who demands they don't masturbate. What gives anyone the right to control something like this? That's just an unrealistic and ridiculous stipulation. Everyone masturbates, or nearly everyone. Telling your husband that you won't put up with masturbating is setting the both of you up for failure.
> 
> Why not change your mindset and encourage him to masturbate in front of you? That's a turn on for most women (it sure is for me), and you can masturbate alongside him. It's erotic and a change of pace from regular intercourse.


I agree.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

In my first (failed) marriage, a lot of things were wrong, but some of it was just this: my wife rejected some of me, including some of my sexual interests. But those interests didn't go away. Since I wouldn't go to another woman, that left me with masturbation as the only outlet.

I didn't then, and still don't now, think it was all that bad. She didn't want some parts of my sexuality, so it wasn't like I was depriving her of anything. Basically, masturbating served a a sort of pressure-relief valve, preventing a lot of fights. I stopped asking her for things she didn't want to do, and stopped asking as often for things she did like but only wanted once or twice a month. So was a boon to her. I availed myself of what porn was available (the Internet continues to boggle my mind) and lived out in fantasy what I couldn't live out in reality, thus making me less grumpy overall.

And sometimes, getting sex was such a chore that it just wasn't worth doing. Some days I could tell it would be an hour of coaxing and romancing and she still wasn't going to connect with me, and the sex would be a disappointment when we did have it. When I realized that sex just had too much baggage almost all the time, and was just not worth the effort required, I started to suspect that we weren't going to last.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

In my first (failed) marriage, a lot of things were wrong, but some of it was just this: my wife rejected some of me, including some of my sexual interests. But those interests didn't go away. Since I wouldn't go to another woman, that left me with masturbation as the only outlet.

I didn't then, and still don't now, think it was all that bad. She didn't want some parts of my sexuality, so it wasn't like I was depriving her of anything. Basically, masturbating served a a sort of pressure-relief valve, preventing a lot of fights. I stopped asking her for things she didn't want to do, and stopped asking as often for things she did like but only wanted once or twice a month. So was a boon to her. I availed myself of what porn was available (the Internet continues to boggle my mind) and lived out in fantasy what I couldn't live out in reality, thus making me less grumpy overall.

And sometimes, getting sex was such a chore that it just wasn't worth doing. Some days I could tell it would be an hour of coaxing and romancing and she still wasn't going to connect with me, and the sex would be a disappointment when we did have it. When I realized that sex just had too much baggage almost all the time, and was just not worth the effort required, I started to suspect that we weren't going to last.


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## dlily (Mar 23, 2010)

I also hate porn. It only causes division in marriage in one way or another. Maybe not today but eventually it does. It is like someone telling a white lie...they may feel horrible about it but eventually start to justify it and those lies start to grow and come about more and more often until lying is a regular part of that persons life. It is something that CAN overtake a man and seriously hurt his wife - her self esteem, respect for him, and her ability to be sexually open. 

Personally, I married my husband not knowing his ongoing struggle with pornography. I was 19 - young, beautiful, talented and full of life and happiness. I never in my wildest dreams thought that my husband would get his sexual gratification from other women. In our first year of marriage I remember going to bed as a newly wed after asking him to come and make love. He made up excuses and unknowingly to me at that time would stay up and masturbate to pornography. I felt so alone and that I wasn't enough for him as a new wife. Later, when I found out what had been happening, I was enraged and I have struggled with self consciousness and self esteem issues ever since. 

I also would beg him to stop and even though he told me that he hated doing it and would stop, it never did. Five years later he had a one night stand. To this day, he still struggles with pornography and I am sure always will. I feel cheated and if I could make the decision for a life partner again, even though I love him very much, I would choose someone who did not have these issues.


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## Simply Complicated (Mar 20, 2010)

Wow, that's pretty deep. I've never heard of a man choosing his hand over the real thing. I'm a man and I watch porn, especially when my wife isn't home. I'll have a great'ol time by myself but when my wife is home and I know she's available, I'll take my behind to the bedroom and make her pay for how aroused my porn has made me. I don't need the porn in order to get aroused by my wife cuz there are plenty of times I'll be in the bedroom watching TV, she'll come into the room and start to undress and I will literally stop everything that I'm doing, just to watch her undress. What I struggle with in my own marriage is the lack of passion, and interest in her part. She'll probably complain that I want it too often and I'll complain that she wants it too little. leaving it up to her, i'd probably get it once a week to once every two weeks and admittedly, she's a animal on that schedule. On my own clock, she has literally watched television while I'm taking care of business with her. When I finish, she'll simply pull up her underwear and continue watching TV without skipping a beat. Who wants a sex life like that? I've regretably strayed because of this and I've confessed to it. She's a beautiful and voluptuous woman and I just wished that she was into me as much as I'm into her. In risking sounding like woman, she just doesn't make me feel beautiful. I've been with her for 9 years so far. I don't think I'm bad looking. 6'2, 225 pounds, athletic build, I hit the gym, average sized member about 6 and half inches, I take my time in bed with her, perform Oral which she claims to love and frequently request, I don't premature ejaculate, I make sure she orgasms before I do. I'll never claim to be the greatest lover but I try my best to please. I never ask her to go down on me cuz its not my cup of tea. I never ask for anal cuz again, it's not my cup of tea. So I'm not sure what the problem is. Anyhoo again, I've never heard a man prefer his own hand over the real thing unless he was repulsed by something, whether being over weight, Hygiene, complete lack of spark or sexual compatability with his partner. It could be anything. Nevertheless, I sure hope it works out for you. Feel free to ask me any questions.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I believe that some women don't like it because of past experiences, but also some may not be into the degradation that goes on in some instances. I know that sometimes if hubby and I are watching I can't help but think, "that poor girls mother, she must be so proud". I am able to get past that most of the time and do enjoy, especially because hubby uses it as a "learning tool", like "hey, let's try that". And I do know some women who just want to be the only woman that turns their man on, but that's not realistic. I have had to remind myself on occasion that I too have looked at other men and had "impure thoughts", but would never act on them. In a secure, loving relationship porn can be a great tool to use for spice, but it can be damaging, depending on the guy. In my case it has heightened my hubby's desire to be with other women, the type of women who do those movies, to the point that he sought out, met and slept with someone he met on a social networking porn site. So I may now be not so keen on it in future relationships, but I also realize that my hubby is different than most guys. He has an obsession and refuses to do anything about, so he is gonna lose me. So guess I can see all sides of this coin, good and bad.


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

Ladies, from another man's point of view...you should not think of yourself as an old fuddy duddy (if that's a real phrase) or somebody who is out of step with the real world if you hate porn and really get disgusted when your husband is into it. Let's get real here, he is fantasizing about getting it on with other women besides you. So even though it is not an actual physical relationship with all of these women, it is however a mental and psychological relationship regardless of how brief it may be. Let's ask ourselves, "What is the difference?" It's interesting how a lot of people will say that the Old Testament was very difficult especially when the 10 commandments are brought up, one in particular, "You shall not commit adultery". So it is common for many to say that there is much grace and forgiveness in the New Testatment and we should try to live strictly by what Jesus taught. (FYI: I believe that both testaments are applicable today). Let's look at what Jesus said about lustfully looking at other women. Matthew 5:27 & 28, Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." OUCH!! He said that, not me. How else can you interpret that? Ladies, you are feeling all sorts of feelings when your husband engages in that garbage because you rightfully in one way or another see that you are being cheated on...period! He needs to get out of that whether by counseling or by himself, but I guarantee that most of the men who are into this are already addicted and cannot stop it. It has got to come to an end so that your marriage can get back into a healthy and wholesome relationship that it was designed to be.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Low self esteem on the part of the woman often has a lot to do with it. Women who are comfortable with themselves physically and sexually usually don't mind a little porn running during sex. 

The argument some wives put forward that "I should be enough for him" sounds like an affirmation of high self esteem but is really exactly the opposite.

A man using porn during sex, especially in a long term relationship is no different that a woman wanting to be touched a certain way or wanting to use a dildo or a vibrator. Unlike women, a man's primary sexual sense is the visual, so like the woman's sex toy the porn is enhancing the experience for him.

Women also have a difficult time understanding that men can compartmentalize sex and love- put them in different boxes so watching porn has no intimacy connection for him at all. For most women however sex itself is the intimate connection so it's easy to see why they would look at porn as taking away that intimacy but she is assuming that something is going on in the man's head that isn't, simply because he is a man and not a woman.


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## aedilis (Jun 28, 2010)

Wow, seriously Jake? So if that's the case, because apparently every time I masturbate, I fantasize. I fantasize about that new secretary we got, or about that girl that winked at me on the way home. When I look at porn on the computer occasionally, the list goes on and on.

While I respect that other people have opinions that will differ, organized religion has done poorly on the whole sex issue. For example:

Mark 10:11-12 “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

So by this reckoning, the Bible says it doesn't matter if he beats you or just doesn't 'attend to your needs', neither of you can ever divorce. Til death do you part... or is it?

Deuteronomy 21:10-14 "When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife.... [13] After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her."

So, if you went to war and brought home a 'captive'. Wait a month 'out of respect' and then marry her. If you're still not satisfied, that's cool. Just cut her loose. Don't sell her or treat her like a slave, just let her go.

OK, I'm done turning this into a Bible discussion. My official opinion on the topic itself is this. Men are visual people. They get aroused more by images than they do by the written word. Women tend to be more emotional in their needs. They enjoy the emotional attraction just as much as the physical. So, when they see a guy watching porn, their first reaction typically is, "Does he like her over me?" when in reality he's thinking, "Tits! Boobs! ****s! I'm spent."

On the subject of double standards, it's my opinion that it is disingenuous to forbid a guy to not use a 'marital aid' but then turn around and use one yourself. You can tell yourself all you want that it's different, but it really isn't. If that were told to me, I'd say, "Fine. I'm going to go out to the adult store tonight and pick up one of those Fleshlights." If you can have a vibrator to help, I can have a fleshlight.

Like everything else in this world, moderation is the key to happiness.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Seems to me quoting from the bible in a forum like this doesn't make a lot of sense because you don't know whether the person who you are trying to make a case against is an atheist, a Buddist, a New Ager a Wican or any number of other non christian beliefs. Better to quote valid psychological or medical peer reviewed research to make your point. One person's religion is very often another's fairy tale.


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

aedilis, yes, seriously. You and many other misguided people who like to throw true Christianity along with the other religions (you called organized religion), seem to always miss a very inconvenient word, which is context. You just get scripture out of the bible and try to make a case when there isn't a case. 

In Deuteronomy 21:10-14, during that time, the "enemies" referred to in that passage are those outside of Canaan (Dt. 20:15). God's people had earlier been instructed not to marry Canaanite people (Dt.7:1, 3-4). However, some in that army had disobeyed those instructions. So back to Dt. 21:10-14, those instructions given protected the dignity of women captives by forbidding their mistreatment. Dt 21:10-14 was not, nor isn't intended for any other time or situation, only at that one point in time for his people.

Next Please:

In Mark 10:11-12, anyone who divorces for OTHER THAN Biblical reasons and then remarries sins against God by committing adultery (see Malachi 2:14, Matt 19:9 and ICor 7:15). In other words, a divorce is not necessarily recognized as proper or legitimate by God merely because the state(or any human institution) legalizes it. 

Now we can see why you don't want to make this into a Bible discussion, because you have no case to make trying to manipulate God's word...period. Because you have no case, you have to go back to worldly reasoning about pornography, you don't want to accept the fact that men and women alike are actually committing adultery by engaging in it and that makes those individuals feel guilty...but it is the truth.

I have made my case on why women should feel disgusted when their husbands allow porn in their lives. There is nothing wrong with women feeling that way, pornography is not acceptable, especially in a marriage. No excuses.


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

mr b, Christians and non-believers alike agree that Jesus was a great teacher. Jesus, understanding the hurt that a person feels when their spouse had committed adultery had taken that particular commandment and made it more clear to everybody, whether they be a believer or non-believer. That is basic human psychology. Why would you want to hurt your spouse? If a person really thinks about it and reasons that an activity of moral implications, they want to engage in really hurts their spouse for his or her own pleasure, then they should not do it out of love for their spouse. What is so complicated about that?

I understand about how men and women are different when it comes to intimacy, but it doesn't change the FACT that women really get hurt when their husbands are into porn. Who cares about the "low self-esteem". The bottom line is that she is really hurt and to the point that some feel cheated on. Your case about women having low self-esteem and not understanding how men compartmentalizing sex and love seems to put the blame back on the spouse. They are the one's who need to adjust. Really? Men, if you love your wife, then stop your participation in pornography. If you find that you cannot stop, then please get help because you may be addicted and this situation is worse that what you think.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

No offense but generalising is not a good thing to do, Jake. You can talk about "women think this" and "men think that" until the cows come home, but that doesn't make you correct. Number one, not everybody thinks exactly the same way just because they are female or male, and number 2, not everybody is a Christian. You have some good beliefs and they seem a good fit for you, and that is great, but please do not generalise them to the whole population.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

As far as the bible goes:

The bible states "looking at a women lustfully" not "looking at an image(s) of a women lustfully" There is a not so subtle difference.

PS. It is great that you have a strong faith. I do to howerver everyone is not not christian so your imput while of value may not be appropriate in this instance.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I may be weird here. (HA! May!) I have been cheated on and raped and mistreated. That was all by OTHER guys, not my truly awesome husband.

When we were first married, I had a BIG problem with porn. If he loved ME, I would be enough. I blame it more on my guilt and shame based religious upbringing than any pain caused by jerk off guys.

I HATED the thought of him masturbating. He very patiently explained it had nothing to do with me. As it wasn't interfering with our sex life, I finally came to the conclusion that I had no more right dictating masturbation than I did his peeing. It is his body.

I think it is a good opportunity for personal growth when we resolve these things within ourselves rather than placing constrictions on our partners, when possible.


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## aedilis (Jun 28, 2010)

Jake Andrews said:


> Because you have no case, you have to go back to worldly reasoning about pornography, you don't want to accept the fact that men and women alike are actually committing adultery by engaging in it and that makes those individuals feel guilty...but it is the truth.
> 
> I have made my case on why women should feel disgusted when their husbands allow porn in their lives. There is nothing wrong with women feeling that way, pornography is not acceptable, especially in a marriage. No excuses.


You have made your _opinion_ that this is what you believe to be true based on your individual _interpretation_ of the Bible. Allow me to state mine.

I believe this topic is really a case for individual opinions and beliefs on the matter and in no way can a generalized "all women/all men" be reached.

It is my individual belief that so long as the husband and wife are communicating their views on the subject to each other, it's healthy. If the couple agrees that watching porn alone or together is bad, great. If the couple is ok with watching porn alone or together, great. Whatever works best for the couple.

My wife and I are ok with each other looking at pornography from time to time. We don't feel guilty about it all, nor do we even think that we're cheating on each other by doing it.

PS. I respect that you have your own beliefs. I don't respect that you're effectively trying to impose your beliefs on us miguided non-_true Christians_. It may be good intended, but all it does is sound condescending.

PPS. Actually I take that back. Based on your posts in other topics, I have no respect for your views. I may have a different point of view on issues, but I don't resort to calling other people in these forums 'pinheads' because they differ from my opinions. All I see in your posts are severe intolerance for anyone outside of your strict, fundamentalist points of view.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My two cents worth as I have an issue in this area and have not been able to resolve it with myself through individual and couple counseling.

I have NEVER had an issue with porn. In fact, I enjoy porn myself, get turned on and watch it too. My husband has always been into porn and this is a fact I knew while we were dating, I used to buy the "magazines" and "video's" for him before the advent of the internet.

It never became an issue for me until this year. And I know why it became an issue - because it now feels that it has replaced me and our sexual relationship together. If he has the time/energy to view and download porn, but no time and energy to spend with a real life woman who is willing to fulfill any desire or fantasy - then how is that supposed to make me feel? Mr. B states in his post that I shouldn't take it personally (to paraphrase), well how am I supposed to take it? I feel as though I've "aged out." In other words, when he married me at 25, guess he expected me to stay 25!

Not only have I been willing to entertain his desires and fantasies, I've actually taken action and we've played them out - but it never seems enough, ever. I feel like a hamster on a wheel running and running and getting nowhere. 

I get extremely frustrated, resentful and aggravated when I come home for work and want some sexual time together and I get an I'm tired and don't feel like it, but yet he was surfing porn all day and on a live web cam and chat, but no time for me! If our sex life was giving me what I needed, then I wouldn't feel threatened by the porn, but I do feel threatened because total strangers are getting what I'm not and I'm the only real live person in the room.

So, I have no issues with porn, but I do have issues with how porn has replaced me in my husband's life. It sucks to want him so badly and know that he wants to look at total strangers instead. Doesn't matter that I weigh what I did when we married, I take great care of myself, am told by other men that I look good, I feel good and it's just not enough. The rejection and sense of not feeling desired or wanted takes a toll on one's self-esteem, I don't care how good it is, it starts to chip away at it. 

I can say, without any trepidation that I have always been there for him sexually, have met his desires, have played out his fantasies and am game for anything, he knows it and I've showed it - so why wouldn't he be thrilled that his wife of 25 years is still turned on by him and wants him - most husbands would welcome this with open arms, but I keep getting pushed away. I can't even discuss this issue with him anymore as he gets rude, hostile and defensive about it - I have absolutely no control over my own sex life at this point and it totally sucks. 

At this rate, he's going to push me right into the arms of a man that will make me feel desired and wanted. I have no intentions of cheating and truly love my husband, but how long do I have to feel lonely and undesired?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeinLove - can you watch it with him? Maybe get physical while he watches so you get some, too?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris - I do watch him with him, in fact I'm the one that puts it on most of the time. He does a lot of looking while I'm at work (he is retired) and then sometimes he's actually looking at it while I'm on the other side of the computer (where I can't see the screen), then when I say - let's fool around - I get the I'm tired.

Hell a few weeks ago I had to tell him that I needed him, I needed it and I was taking it regardless of how he was feeling. That seemed to work - I just said let's go and off we went and of course he really got into it - the domination thing! But, I still get the I'm tired, etc.

But it's really starting to BUG ME BIG TIME that I'm here, I'm real, I not only have some of the same fantasies, but I've put things in place so that they have actually happened - so what now? I've tried not to pressure him (he has medical issues), I've made sure I still look good (told that I look about 35, I'm actually 50) - so it's not my looks, not my weight - starting to think it's my age and that I've gotten too old for him! I am older, but if you stand us side-by-side, most people think he's older (he looks older than I do). 

Most of what he looks at are younger women (duh!), women with big boobs - he's a boob man and guess what - I have big boobs! And he's also into men too (not an issue for me either). But of course I can't be that. He likes toys, we do toys; he likes a little BDSM, we do BDSM; he likes strip clubs, we go together; he likes porn, I do to; he likes dirty talking/role playing, we do it - I like it too; he likes to swing some, we swing some also - SO WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

My counselor tells me that I'm a husband's dream wife - no inhibitions, support him, love sex - never say no, game for new things, experiences, etc. Hell I'll try anything once - so why is it not enough and why do I still get pushed away!!

As you can tell, its driving me crazy and he won't talk about it with me no matter how I approach him and the rejection and the feeling of not being wanted/desired keeps me up at night sometimes.

There...I feel better now that I could vent!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Without getting graphic here, I think you need to take the bull by the "horn".

the idea of demanding sex and getting it may be your only hope. If you are watching it with him and you want it, open his pants and go for it. if you want sex every night, you know where he is every night. Take charge.

You may not want to have to do that, but do you ever want to have sex again?

p.s. you ARE a husband's dream wife.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris, you're right, I'm going to continue to dominate and take what I want.

It's just it would be nice to be "wanted" and "seduced" - I may be 50, but I'm not too old for it!

And thanks - I think I am a husband's dream wife (in the bedroom at least) - and now I just have to make sure my husband realizes that too.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MWIL -- I am not above following my H into the shower in the mornings lol. He is usually spent by the time the kids are in bed, so morning and afternoons are his best time to be approached. And I am more than happy to oblige


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Chris, you're right, I'm going to continue to dominate and take what I want.
> 
> It's just it would be nice to be "wanted" and "seduced" - I may be 50, but I'm not too old for it!
> 
> And thanks - I think I am a husband's dream wife (in the bedroom at least) - and now I just have to make sure my husband realizes that too.


When I got home last night from work, my wife was waiting for me and dragged me into the bedroom. Totally unexpected. She took what she wanted and I loved it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks guys! 

I went home and hubby had cooked dinner. I ate and then seduced him and took the bull by the "horn" as Chris so politely put it. Of course I got a "I really don't feel like it" to which I responded, like I have been, I don't care, I need it and I want you. Told him if I waited until he wasn't tired or felt like it we would never have sex!

Well his big head protested he was tired, but his little head wasn't protesting at all and I got what I wanted/needed.

So I'll continue and be thankful that at least the little head is cooperating! :smthumbup:


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove

I am dying of laughter, If only my wife would do this..occasionally


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have no issue with my boyfriend watching porn, under two conditions: he never lie to me about watching it and it does not affect our sex life. As long as he's honest and says "yes, I'm looking at it", it's fine. And as long as our sex life continues to be satisfying, it's fine.

I started out with this same feeling with my ex-husband. But then he cheated on me. And that's when it became a problem. And it wasn't so much the porn itself, at first, that was the problem, it was that he would lie about looking at it. He would swear up and down he wasn't looking at it, even though I'd come home from work, and when I'd get on the computer, there's a picture of a naked girl on a car hood. He's the only one home, and I certainly didn't look at that before I went to work so....what other option is there? And then he cheated on me again. That's when the porn itself became a problem. And it was a problem because when combined with the cheating, it really made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for him, or just not enough period. Like he needed someone different, better, than I was. And that hurt. \

Porn became a big issue for us. It was a constant fight. It wasn't the reason our marriage ended, but I do think it probably played a role in it. 

With my boyfriend now, I don't have that issue. I won't lie, part of that probably comes from the fact that he doesn't really look at it anyway, so it's one of those things where since it's not an issue, I can say I don't mind. But I do think that even if he did look at it regularly, I'd still be ok because I know that he loves me, he'd never cheat on me, and he's happy with me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife caught me a few years back watching porn and taking care of myself. She got a little pissy but I had already told her before that she wasn't meeting my needs and I would find ways to release. Just didn't tell her how. This was when we were down to like once or twice a month for sex and even no sex for a month sometimes.

Our sex life has improved GREATLY but I'm still highly overcharged and when it's a night, the kids are asleep and I have the door to the computer room closed...My wife knows not to walk in unless she wants a free show again 

She's gotten used to it and it's better that the two loves of my life, righty and lefty, take care of business instead of another woman, well that's what she told me anyways.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I never had a problem with him watching porn until recently. I've been watching it for years & so has he & we even watched together a couple times.

It became offensive when I realized it wasnt that he_ couldn't _satisfy me, but that he _wouldn't_. It makes me angry that he stays up late to watch porn online while his wife is in bed desperate to have sex w/ him.


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## mrs.p (Aug 20, 2010)

I actually don't mind my husband watching porn and several times i've watched it alone or with him, if it helps get things rolling I'm for it! I need all the help I can get at this point with my low sex drive.. maybe if you watched it together you would be more into it!


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## LivetoDiscover (Aug 22, 2010)

I can say I have never been cheated on or hurt in that way. I am not too found of the idea of my husband watching porn because of moralistic reasons. I also feel that he shouldn't need porn. It's one thing if we watched it and got ideas but he shouldn't have to watch it. That time he would spend watching it I should be there instead. My husband isn't all that into it so I guess I'm more neutral on the subject. He hasn't been to a strip club, I have...so if anything he is more about "morals" than I am. 

It's not always about being hurt. Some people choose not to buy into porn because they don't like how it makes them feel morally watching it or they don't believe it is morally right. this is true of a lot more religious type people or people who were raised in a very righteous sort of way.


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## wasabi_hot (Sep 16, 2010)

I don't have a problem with my husband watching porn, as long as it is a DVD and not internet porn. To me in my own opinion , a DVD is a production, a movie with actors (bad actors at that) but internet free porn is to personnal, it could be the girl next door! Next thing you know an affair can happen.
So my husband can watch only DVD porn not internet porn!


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

My H does not like porn, never has. I have tried to take him to strip clubs in the past (when we were dating), I have asked him to watch porn with me, but he never does. The other night we watched Bruno, and although it is funny, the sex scenes got me kind of hot. Not him, he was going to sleep when I had to wake him up. He gets turned on by me. No lingerie, no porn, it does nothing for him. His relationship with me is the only turn-on for him. I've never known a guy like this, but I should not complain.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I'm responding to the original post, then reading the rest of the thread... 

I do not like porn because my husband would watch porn, jack off and not have sex with me. It had nothing to do with the porn itself, but how it was being used. We've moved past this problem and now we will watch porn together. However, I am learning that my husband's taste in porn or not the same as mine. I like high quality porn with beautiful people. He seems to prefer the low quality, low budget stuff. It's hard for us to find porn that we both like.


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## Z3R0_KAT (Jan 8, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Sweetiepie,
> 
> THanks for you answer but I don't think it answers what I am trying to say.
> 
> ...


i do not agree with this. ok so a girl goes in the bathroom and uses a vibrator. is she looking at another man/women? is she getting aroused by someone else? no shes just sitting in the bath room rubbing one out!! ok now the man is watching girls get f*cked and yea.... getting aroused by that whole scene and getting off....so thats not very fair to say that its ok...and the whole excuse of "men will be men" thats bs. im sorry boys look at porn, men dont need to"at least thats what my husband says". 'UNLESS THE WIFE ENJOYS IT AS WELL' its so redicilious that porn has become so important to the boys of this time, that they will go through hell and back to "hide" there "addiction" :scratchhead: hm... now me and my husband, we have watched porn together, but not like "o baby im so horny lets watch to hot people do it" its was more of the "OMG IS THAT REAL!??!?!?" I usta be one of those girls that felt threatened by porn, and one day my husband sat me down "before we got married" and said "baby i want to show you something and i dont want you to get mad" and we just browsed around the web, (now keep in mind my image of porn was girls like the girls in play boy "beautiful barbies")but actually alot of the "free porn" videos are of girls that....lets just say.... arent bad, but most of them are definitely butter faces... :rofl: Now some of you might say "thats because you have only looked up free porn" but really why the heck would i pay for it! lol the point is, my husband showed me that these girls "who i felt threatened by for some reason" aint got nothing on me. so, fact of the matter is either your H doesnt give a crap about your feelings (in witch case that needs to be fixed asap) or he has an addiction. witch if thats the case find out if he see's it as a problem "yes sometimes MEN actually admit they have a problem" if so support him, help him get the treatment he needs! being addicted to porn is like being addicted to world of warcraft or any other games/drugs, its hard work to kick the habit! if he claims to not have a problem but u no its a problem, then at this point i either A) try to come to some sort of agree ment "lame i no but if u love him and want it to work..." or B)smash his computer over his face and move on to a better man. the choice is yours.


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## Z3R0_KAT (Jan 8, 2011)

Sara Ann said:


> My H does not like porn, never has. I have tried to take him to strip clubs in the past (when we were dating), I have asked him to watch porn with me, but he never does. The other night we watched Bruno, and although it is funny, the sex scenes got me kind of hot. Not him, he was going to sleep when I had to wake him up. He gets turned on by me. No lingerie, no porn, it does nothing for him. His relationship with me is the only turn-on for him. I've never known a guy like this, but I should not complain.


this is how my husband is, kinda strange huh? i enjoy it, course the lingerie thing he likes it when i ware it while im cooking or something, he says its pointless to ware it for sex when he's just gonna take it off :rofl:


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## Z3R0_KAT (Jan 8, 2011)

LivetoDiscover said:


> I can say I have never been cheated on or hurt in that way. I am not too found of the idea of my husband watching porn because of moralistic reasons. I also feel that he shouldn't need porn. It's one thing if we watched it and got ideas but he shouldn't have to watch it. That time he would spend watching it I should be there instead. My husband isn't all that into it so I guess I'm more neutral on the subject. He hasn't been to a strip club, I have...so if anything he is more about "morals" than I am.
> 
> It's not always about being hurt. Some people choose not to buy into porn because they don't like how it makes them feel morally watching it or they don't believe it is morally right. this is true of a lot more religious type people or people who were raised in a very righteous sort of way.


I can definately relate to the "not feeling right" when watching porn. before i ever new about porn i always thought of sex as a very personal experience between 2 people! passion! love! all night long! 

Ill be honest, the first time i came across porn "13 years old" i was very disappointed in humans. i felt like "could we get any lower?" and it actually confused me for a couple years, like "so is sex just sex? or is sex passion?" but i quickly blocked it out and just made it a rule i would never be ok with it. me and my husband have watched some, but not for getting aroused, more for a good laugh. :rofl:


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Im a married man addicted to porn. And it does bother my wife. It used to infuriate her, but now she just gets mildly annoyed. 
I will hide it from her, cause i know it annoys her, but i dont look at it that often anymore to tell the truth - only that once i get the urge/opportunity to look at it, im done - i cant stop myself. it doesnt affect our sex life AT ALL though. if i had to pick between a secret liason between my favorite porn site and myself w/ my pants around my ankles or being with my wife, i want to be with my wife 10 out of 10 times.
As for my wife's reasons for hating porn - my guess is that she grew up in that stereotypical religious home that never talked about sex. it was just a taboo subject. so porn and masturbating to it is this 'evil' thing that people shouldnt do, in her eyes (in honesty i dont like it myself and wish i could stop, but like i said im addicted). she was never cheated on or anything like that, her exposure to this revolves around me.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

as a wife i dis-like porn...as the cool chick, dont care. i too told my husband no porn and to touching...we were 16/17.

after a while we gave up the porn, because i was tired of it being present in the bedroom, and i said, what they do let me try to do better....

almost 19 years later, we comunicate better, and i think we have pretty average sex, but we play and joke, and have fun, and make our own movies.....


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Are their women out there that are not in their best shape that are ok with filming themselves. 

I am wondering if all the people that are making home movies are young and'or fit.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

tjohnson said:


> Are their women out there that are not in their best shape that are ok with filming themselves.
> 
> I am wondering if all the people that are making home movies are young and'or fit.


Most people that make 'home movies' are neither young, nor fit.

Most content is not meant for public consumption. It is for the individuals doing the filming.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Most people that make 'home movies' are neither young, nor fit.
> 
> Most content is not meant for public consumption. It is for the individuals doing the filming.


Is that the case? 

We have taken pictures of my pu$$$, but deleted it right away. There isn't much to look at!. I want to take pictures of my husband's cok, he won't let me! 

My husband has taken pictures of me with lingerie, we even posted on Internet! He didn't mind it, he was actually into it. 

We haven't filmed our sex, I just feel I won't look great in the show, I am 37, I am not as curvy as a 20 year old girl anymore. He still has a sexy body, he'll look fine! 

You will look fine too!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

No one should be made to feel bad about whether they like something or not. Just my 2 cents.


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## venis (Mar 8, 2011)

Well here we go.
Did you all foget one thing we are mear human beings. We all have needs, want's, and secrets.
So here is a challenge to all of you.
He who is without sin cast the first stone.
What I mean is this if your spouce want to view "porn" or wack willy or what ever it is and it bothers you :scratchhead:. Then dont get mad give them what they are craving . I would say that 98% of people that use a stimulis have a itch not scratched.
So scratch for them and make them happy  is it not why you are with then. Did you marry them so they would be miserable :lol:. 
Men need want and enjoy stimulation and so do women. 
So tell your partner if they need something you are willing to satify them. If your partner perfers Porn to you then you have desamated the relationship :sleeping:. So start over or move on.
So take some responceabilty.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I started out when I was young, by being given Hustlers my brother-in-law found when he went dumpster jumping when I was pretty young. I view porn as part of some manipulative industry that is not geared toward reality. Most of the women in porn videos are faking it, and it has all seemed fake to me. 

I think that home movies between husband and wife are much more real and satisfying. I write about the things that are vital to a healthy married couple's sex life. Perhaps, I will add this topic to the article I wrote:  Intimate Marriage. I would suggest that home-made movies are a great outlet for both a man's and a woman's need for fantasy!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I recently caught my H red-handed by accident. Part of me wanted to giggle and say "Let me help you out there" but I felt I needed him to understand the other side of how I felt. That his desire and energy needs to be channeled back into our relationship. He saw it as a quick get off before work (which I'd have no problem with if we were in a healthier place). I suggested he turn to me to give him that. He's awakening to the fact that it's okay to be 'dirty' with his wife.

I asked him to show me what he was looking at. This was a huge step for him and although I'd hoped he'd show me, I didn't expect him to but he did. He didn't have the chance to hide anything. He was surprised with my reaction when I giggled and said "Is that it?" But I asked him to consider that if we're going to make this work that he needs to direct his energy back to me/us more.

He phoned me later that day and admitted how scared he was in the moment and how I'd react. He said he appreciated the way I handled it and then continued to mention which position he'd like to try with me.  This is another huge step for him. I can talk freely with him about my turn ons etc but he's not so open.

My issue with porn (industry/objectification aside) has been the secrecy he's had with it, him not letting me fully into his world. What happened recently seems to have helped build trust and the walls that were built before I came along, are slowly starting to come down.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My wife will occasionally put one in the dvd in the bedroom which I think is so cool of her to do. But she knows she is the only one for me and that I have been a faithfull old dog for 34 years. sometimes we talk about all kinds of kinky fantasies that we share with no one but each other its all just fun and games between us 2. However I would never be the one to suggest that we watch one. I prefer something like that to be on her terms and in her time as it would be less likely to cause her any insecurities or what not.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm a little late in posting to this, but I think it's a great topic that affects so many marriages and relationships.



> I did not always enjoy porn, but that had more to do with being sexually inhibited, religious thinking (sex was dirty, women shouldn't dress to Entice, flirting was bad, etc). My husband has always looked, not always been open about it


I completely relate to this. I was only 18 when I got married to my husband, and I definitely had issues with porn. However, the older I got, the more I realized that I didn't actually have a problem with it myself, it's more that I felt like I should because of other women in my life and my church.

As I've gotten older, I'm 27 now, I've worked hard to separate my true feelings from what's expected or what I've been told. This goes for many sexual issues. I feel like there are a lot of women out there lie this that want to be open sexually but have been raised to feel dirty or guilty for natural feelings. I feel so much more connected to myself, if that makes sense, now that I've let go of so much of my insecurities and repression.

With that being said, I agree with a poster above that said as long as my husband isn't lying to me or neglecting our sex life for porn, then I don't see the problem. In fact, I enjoy it as well. 

Now, I get that a lot of women have moral issues with it, as well as self esteem issues, and I think that the men in their lives should respect their feeling about this. 

However, there are tons of women that I feel create a huge double standard. They feel like porn creates unrealistic expectations on women, since it's hard for women to live up to those standards sexually. But I think that most men understand that it's just a fantasy. 

Many of these same women read romance novels (many of which are practically porn) and watch romantic movies and television shows. Even if the reading material/shows aren't sexual, it's still creating a fantasy about love and relationships, almost like it's emotional porn. These same women that are angry at men for watching porn are expecting their husbands/boyfriends to be as perfect and romantic as the men in these shows/books. This is not a realistic expectation for men to live up to either. 

Maybe I'm alone in this but I truly feel like it's an unfair double standard that's often overlooked. Does anyone else find this as frustrating as I do?


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Women feel threatened by porn on a very instinctual level, it has nothing to do with infidelity.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

venis said:


> Well here we go.
> Did you all foget one thing we are mear human beings. We all have needs, want's, and secrets.
> So here is a challenge to all of you.
> He who is without sin cast the first stone.
> ...


And more importantly, keep up with your grammar and spelling.


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## WhatComesNext (Jul 6, 2011)

The only time I had an issue with my partner watching porn was when he picked porn over me. I would try to be romantic or sexy and sometimes would come right out and just ask for sex. He was never in the mood but then I would get the cable bill and it was filled with pay per view porn charges. I started to feel like having sex with me was more of a chore for him than a pleasure. Needless to say that relationship ended. I am now married and have no issue with my husband watching porn by himself or with me. I also watch it by myself and he doesn't mind that either.... actually he thinks it's hot.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

I'm 34 years old and I've hated porn for exactly 1 day. I've just learned that for years my husband picked porn over me. 

I still don't understand porn but what the hell? I can't understand why anyone would want to masturbate when they have the option of GOOD sex with a loving spouse. 

Now I guess I need to read some new threads and try to figure out what the hell this is about and how to fix it.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Ayrun said:


> Women feel threatened by porn on a very instinctual level, it has nothing to do with infidelity.


Not true. I'm a very secure woman. Porn didn't bother me for 34 years... until yesterday.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My two cents worth as I have an issue in this area and have not been able to resolve it with myself through individual and couple counseling.
> 
> I have NEVER had an issue with porn. In fact, I enjoy porn myself, get turned on and watch it too. My husband has always been into porn and this is a fact I knew while we were dating, I used to buy the "magazines" and "video's" for him before the advent of the internet.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: I just learned that my lack of sex is because he goes to porn first. Porn itself didn't bug me, but for years I didn't know that it was instrumental in causing me pain in my marriage.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

Roooth said:


> I'm 34 years old and I've hated porn for exactly 1 day. I've just learned that for years my husband picked porn over me.


To me, that's when porn is a problem. When you pick it over intimacy with your partner. I would love some more lovin' from my wife but she isn't up for it so I use porn as an outlet - if I think the opportunity is there for some love making, I always pick it over the solitary nature of porn.


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## HusbandSam (Jul 19, 2011)

My wife doesn't like porn, partly for reasons I agree with and partly for reasons I don't.

I have problems limiting my use, so it's better if I just stay away from it. But that's me, not the porn itself. If I could be sure I'd keep it to an hour or so a week, no harm, but I'm not sure I can do that.

She agrees with that, of course, but also thinks the porn itself is dirty and exploitative of women. Some of it may be, but most isn't, in my view, and I personally am most turned on by porn in which all participants seem genuinely to be enjoying themselves (relatively rare, admittedly, but that's what I like).


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## blondie5 (Jul 29, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> I was wondering why it's okay for a woman to use a vibrator in the bedroom (or other sex toy) to get up over the hump and a man is supposed to be okay with that but if a man uses porn for "brain stimulation" (vs. clitoral), that's a no-no and disrespectful?Is this about control? Or self-esteem?
> 
> I really don't get it.


I highly doubt anyone reading this is going to beleive for one minute that any man looks at porn for "brain stimulation." :loser: We all know what they are "stimulating" when they are looking at their porn! :loser:


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I don't think dislike of porn comes from being hurt by a man, but by being hurt by ones own thoughts. In other words from *insecurity*. I think the exception to this is when the dislike has a religious origin or personal belief that it's wrong or dirty. 

I'm sure my partner looks at porn. And I'm grateful for that as I'd rather he use porn than get sex elsewhere if his needs are greater than mine. I prefer not to know when he has though, as it does make me feel a little insecure.

I do like to watch porn sometimes. My partner doesn't like watching porn movies with me because I want to watch it to the end instead of gettin it on (even though the story lines are oh so lame!). As for the short and dirty porn clips on redtube or youporn (no story lines), I'll watch those too and they'll normally be a bit more effective in actually turning me on


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Without saying too much... I dislike it, (understand it, but not a fan, and easily offended), but I was exposed to it in childhood, on different occassions. It was part of the reason my parents divorced. 

Hubby has pretty much been single all his adult life, also exposed to it early on, went a different route... learning that there was 'nothing wrong with it'. (Kind of strange considering that he is very secretive about it); I attribute that to the strong religious upbringing.

It has caused problems in our relationship. We are both trying to remain open to the other's opinions. To answer your question, though. Both he and I have had traumatic experiences with it, beginning in childhood. Don't really want to mention much else. It's an interesting connection...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I've never been cheated on and I don't like porn. I don't watch it and I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had the need to watch it, either.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Ayrun said:


> Women feel threatened by porn on a very instinctual level, it has nothing to do with infidelity.


I disagree. I don't feel in the slightest bit threatened by porn. I just think that it's a very poor substitute for the real thing, and prefer to satisfy my partner's desires and fantasies myself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The problem most women have with porn is caused by self esteem issues.

These issues can be caused by infidelity but I don't think the infidelity is the main underlying factor.
The self esteem issues are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Scannerguard -- Vibrators are essentially tools for physical stimulation. Pornography stimulates the mental response to pleasure. A woman using a vibrator is much like a man using his hand and the analogy you make is incorrect. You could say that a man looking at porn is a little like a woman reading a romance novel, but that, too, wouldn't quite be the same because reading asks you to engage actively in the act of feeling desire, while watching pornography conditions you to passively respond. 

Visual pornography can be addictive and it can condition the brain toward passive experiences that impair physical performance and connection, too. It can be a great tool to spice up sex when it's done with a sex partner, but when it comes to replace a sex partner, then it is a problem. Porn is easier and it conditions men toward easy instant gratification and away from the more demanding (but also more rewarding) physical pursuit of sex in a relationship. 

It isn't so much that all women find porn inherently offensive, but that no woman thinks it positively impacts the sex life of the couple and no woman wants to be replaced by imaginary visual stimulation while the partner that's supposed to be getting her off is getting himself off while thinking of someone else.

OP, I personally had no problem with stbxh watching porn, strippers, or any of that; it didn't even bother me if he did it in front of me, though sometimes I'd suggest he redirect his body my way so I could participate, too, but I didn't get offended if he didn't. I'm very open-minded sexually. It only became a problem when he chose the porn over me because it was easier (and later, he started cheating, too) and when we stopped having sex often enough for me because he was spending all his sexual energy elsewhere. That didn't work for me. If porn co-exists with a healthy sex-life, I think it's acceptable, but when it becomes a substitute, it isn't. That's how I see it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> The problem most women have with porn is caused by self esteem issues.
> 
> These issues can be caused by infidelity but I don't think the infidelity is the main underlying factor.
> The self esteem issues are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're saying that women don't like porn because they are generally insecure, I would have to say that I disagree heartily. It's far too reductive to say that and it ignores a lot of the interpersonal problems raised by a misuse of pornography. It's also a little misogynistic. It kinda sounds like you're saying that if a woman objects to pornography at all, it means there is something wrong with her. I hope that isn't what you mean to say. Can you clarify?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

moxy said:


> If you're saying that women don't like porn because they are generally insecure, I would have to say that I disagree heartily.


No, That`s not what I said.

I said..

"The problem most women have with porn is caused by self esteem issues."

I notice you heavily generalized your previous comment as well when referring to men and porn.



> It's far too reductive to say that and it ignores a lot of the interpersonal problems raised by a misuse of pornography.


Again, I said "Most women" specifically in order to leave out any women who have a valid complaint due to relationship problems caused by the misuse of porn and not the irrational fear of porn due to self esteem issues.



> It's also a little misogynistic. It kinda sounds like you're saying that if a woman objects to pornography at all, it means there is something wrong with her. I hope that isn't what you mean to say. Can you clarify?


I feel no need to clarify further, I believe my post is quite clear if read for comprehension and not projected upon.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I feel no need to clarify further, I believe my post is quite clear if read for comprehension and not projected upon.


Fair enough. I asked for clarification on your opinion and wasn't intending to personally attack you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

moxy said:


> Scannerguard --
> ...Visual pornography can be addictive and it can condition the brain toward passive experiences that impair physical performance and connection, too. It can be a great tool to spice up sex when it's done with a sex partner, but when it comes to replace a sex partner, then it is a problem. Porn is easier and it conditions men toward easy instant gratification and away from the more demanding (but also more rewarding) physical pursuit of sex in a relationship.
> 
> It isn't so much that all women find porn inherently offensive, but that no woman thinks it positively impacts the sex life of the couple and no woman wants to be replaced by imaginary visual stimulation while the partner that's supposed to be getting her off is getting himself off while thinking of someone else...
> ...


This post states very elequently my personal 'concens' about porn.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

moxy said:


> Fair enough. I asked for clarification on your opinion and wasn't intending to personally attack you.


My apologies, I seem to get a little defensive in these "porn" threads as I`ve often been piled on for my views when I post in them.

You weren`t doing that and I was out of line with my tone.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I also think insecurity is a main reason porn causes issues in an otherwise healthy relationship. 

I think some women feel threatened by it...that they can't "stack up" against the women in the porn. They have a distaste for it as a result. 

To the people that do have an issue with this, I have a question: Would you be bothered by your husband's sexual fantasies inside his head? I'm typically not one to fantasize about other women in my head, but I think I'm a bit unusual. But sometimes, rarely, yes. Usually it is a scenario that also involves my W, but sometimes not.

And, as women are typically more mentally driven in their fantasies, and keep them in their head without wanting porn, do those fantasies include other men? I'm sure they sometimes do.

Porn is just a visual of what is already going on in our heads. If there was a history cache on our W's brains, some of us would be as insecure about THAT as they are about us watching porn.

Porn is going to happen, just as the mental fantasies are. Where two people understand that, and these fantasies or porn are not done in a way that the other party is neglected, then I feel there is zero harm in it.

I told my W that I like to watch it with her, and would much rather watch it with her and masturbate in front of her (or as she masturbates too) than do it alone. It is something a little different we share together. Just one of the many different things that keeps our sex life from being boring. But, with or without porn, I also like my "alone time" every once in a while. I'm usually always so satisfied by things we do together I rarely feel the want to masturbate alone, but sometimes, yes. I love to fantasize about things we'd done or talked about, or looking at another woman. She knows this, just as I know she likes to watch porn with me (but could take it or leave it, and it's not typically something she'd do on her own...she's got her brain for that), and has her own mental fantasies that sometimes do not include me. I don't feel hurt or threatened by that because I believe EVERYONE has them to some extent.

I'll say this for the ladies on the fence about the porn thing. My marriages:

1. Ex wife. She never watched it, and got upset if I did. She was LD, but still did not want me to watch it. How much did I watch it (or look at magazines in the pre-internet age)? Probably five times a week. Masturbated in secret to it every time. Never watched it with her (that's gross!), never masturbated in front of her (disgusting). Was never sexually satisifed in that relationship.

2. Present wife. We make love 2 to 5 times a week on average. I masturbate nearly daily when she's here, while she's with me. About half the time does the same. Or it starts as that and often times ends in lovemaking. Or she just watches and carresses and kisses me. She masturbates alone 2 to 4 times a week I'd say. Me? I do it alone possibly once every two weeks if I'm hyper horny and she's not there. Porn? Together once or twice a month or so, alone, maybe once every two weeks. I view it more (especially since I started downloading some very nice tastefully done stuff for us to watch), but virtually never act on it alone.

Big difference between the two W's. And with this one, I've forgotten what it feels like to be anything but completely sexually satisfied all of the time. Even if we're both not in the mood when I am. I can share with her there, and never feel the "need" to do so when she's not.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This thread is way too old to be dredging up.


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