# Preparing for divorce



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi all,

Update from my post a few weeks ago, my husband has decided he now wants to proceed with full divorce. We had originally agreed that he would like to continue to stay in our home, since he will struggle financially to buy me out of my share of the property and I am not planning on buying anywhere soon as my current location is only for a couple of years, I agreed that I would continue to pay half of the mortgage and property insurance for 2 years guaranteed and I would contribute 50% towards any structural work that needed doing in the property and he was to keep it well maintained. He would not pay me rent on my share of the property as long as only he and his son lives there.
He's now decided he doesn't want to do that and wants to look to buy me out if possible, to create a full and clean separation. He's also stated he wants no claims on any of my assets if I make no claims on his. I'm happy with this since I possibly have more financial assets than him as I have always been the highest wage earner and he has to pay child maintenance for his son.
We've taken some market estimates of the property and it's a sizeable amount he will need to pay me and I think he will really struggle on his earnings to get that kind of cash, but if I can reduce what he needs to give me by approx £10k I can see it's doable for him (based on savings and earnings multipliers for mortgage.)
I'm hugely fair so I'm trying to see how I can justify allowing that without me ending up resenting it.
I'm thinking if the alternative was to sell the property we will have the following:

1. mortgage indemnity fees since we are currently tied into a fixed rate mortgage
2. stamp duty
3. Agents fees
4. legal fees

Is there anything else? My husband did put down £5k more deposit than me, but I fully furnished/decorated and maintained the property. I have zero need of any of the furniture.
Am I being too fair in considering the above which would essentially end up giving him £20k more equity from the property, but also makes the process far simpler?

Also, we're about to have discussions on who should divorce who and on what grounds since we have not yet been separated for 2 years. Can people in the UK share their experiences here of what serves as grounds but doesn't act as a character assassination of the other person please? We're trying to keep this amicable.

Thanks in advance


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Update from my post a few weeks ago, my husband has decided he now wants to proceed with full divorce. We had originally agreed that he would like to continue to stay in our home, since he will struggle financially to buy me out of my share of the property and I am not planning on buying anywhere soon as my current location is only for a couple of years, I agreed that I would continue to pay half of the mortgage and property insurance for 2 years guaranteed and I would contribute 50% towards any structural work that needed doing in the property and he was to keep it well maintained. He would not pay me rent on my share of the property as long as only he and his son lives there.
> He's now decided he doesn't want to do that and wants to look to buy me out if possible, to create a full and clean separation. He's also stated he wants no claims on any of my assets if I make no claims on his. I'm happy with this since I possibly have more financial assets than him as I have always been the highest wage earner and he has to pay child maintenance for his son.
> ...


There is no such thing as being too fair. Do the kind and decent thing. There are some of us who have acted kindly and decently in our divorces, you can be one of them. My husband gave his ex their house!!!
As you know it's not all about taking them for all they have as some advise.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Update from my post a few weeks ago, my husband has decided he now wants to proceed with full divorce. We had originally agreed that he would like to continue to stay in our home, since he will struggle financially to buy me out of my share of the property and I am not planning on buying anywhere soon as my current location is only for a couple of years, I agreed that I would continue to pay half of the mortgage and property insurance for 2 years guaranteed and I would contribute 50% towards any structural work that needed doing in the property and he was to keep it well maintained. He would not pay me rent on my share of the property as long as only he and his son lives there.
> He's now decided he doesn't want to do that and wants to look to buy me out if possible, to create a full and clean separation. He's also stated he wants no claims on any of my assets if I make no claims on his. I'm happy with this since I possibly have more financial assets than him as I have always been the highest wage earner and he has to pay child maintenance for his son.
> ...


I posted about the new UK divorce laws in your previous post . You no longer have to be separated for 2 years to divorce, and you no longer have to show grounds for divorce. As long as you're both on the same page with the reason, the courts will accept it.

You offered your soon to be ex an excellent offer and he turned it down because HE wants no ties to you. Sell him the property at market value and let him figure out how he's going to pay for it. You are no longer required to take care of him. Think of it ad a business transaction. Would you care this much about the potential buyer if your house was being sold to a perfect stranger?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Can you be one hundred percent sure that he doesn’t have any other money that you don’t know about. An inheritance or a lottery win maybe?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Can you be one hundred percent sure that he doesn’t have any other money that you don’t know about. An inheritance or a lottery win maybe?


I don't care if he does honestly. I have enough, I don't need to take him for all it's worth.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Lila said:


> I posted about the new UK divorce laws in your previous post . You no longer have to be separated for 2 years to divorce, and you no longer have to show grounds for divorce. As long as you're both on the same page with the reason, the courts will accept it.


Hi Lila, you did, and I understand you don't need proof, but when I look on the gov website you do still have to cite reasons from the looks of it, and this would come under unreasonable behaviour. How unreasonable does it need to be?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Lila, you did, and I understand you don't need proof, but when I look on the gov website you do still have to cite reasons from the looks of it, and this would come under unreasonable behaviour. How unreasonable does it need to be?


Not very. The things my husband's ex put were laughable. I think that anyone with a long marriage could think of a few things they could twist or exaggerate to write down as 'unreasonable behaviour' .


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Lila, you did, and I understand you don't need proof, but when I look on the gov website you do still have to cite reasons from the looks of it, and this would come under unreasonable behaviour. How unreasonable does it need to be?


My understanding is that under the new law you do not have to get into the specifics of unreasonable behavior. You only have to claim it. 

You should really speak to a solicitor to help you with your divorce.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Lila said:


> My understanding is that under the new law you do not have to get into the specifics of unreasonable behavior. You only have to claim it.
> 
> You should really speak to a solicitor to help you with your divorce.


Hi Lila, Thanks, I checked but the government website still says you must give reasons. We discussed it last night and considered stating we'd been separated for more than 2 years, but in the end I came up with 4 non character assassination reasons we could prove the marriage has irretrievably broken down. We're avoiding solictors as far as possible - we feel no need to line their pockets more than is required.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Lila, Thanks, I checked but the government website still says you must give reasons. We discussed it last night and considered stating we'd been separated for more than 2 years, but in the end I came up with 4 non character assassination reasons we could prove the marriage has irretrievably broken down. We're avoiding solictors as far as possible - we feel no need to line their pockets more than is required.


Yes, but don't lie about how long you have been apart, they may ask for proof. These are legal documents.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, but don't lie about how long you have been apart, they may ask for proof. These are legal documents.


We aren't. I gave him 4 reasons which are true but not a character assassination:

1. Preferring to spend time with gaming rather than with the family
2. Working long hours
3. Unable to bond with his son and therefore not spending enough time with the family
4. Moving out of the family home.

Seems like these should be enough and I'm happy for him to use them.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Didn’t the marriage break down because you moved in with a guy you met on an online game? So adultery could be a reason for the divorce?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

No. That was what you chose to read from the thread. I very much live alone. I am seeing another guy yes, and yes adultery could now be used, but that's not why my marriage broke down.



Luckylucky said:


> Didn’t the marriage break down because you moved in with a guy you met on an online game? So adultery could be a reason for the divorce?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Any counselor will tell you that each party in a relationship is responsible for 50% of the relationship, but adultery is 100% to the one who commits it. I am not saying that to point fingers so much as to point out that yeah he probably sucked as a husband and father, and the demise of marriage would have ended regardless but you know very well that bring someone into this marriage that does not belong there until the marriage is officially over does not place you (or him if he was cheating) in a good light. Your claims while they have merits are utterly destroyed when you crossed the line and brought in a new man in your life. Your future ex could point fingers and he would not be wrong. I know it sucked being alone and carrying the burden of the household but crossing that line damage your position, if not legally certainly in the court of public opinion.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes, but the new guy from the game was there while you were still married? Making adultery a legal and viable reason?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes, but the new guy from the game was there while you were still married? Making adultery a legal and viable reason?


Agreed, and I've written it above also so it's not a debated point. My question was what other reasons could be used since my STBX doesn't want to use that since we'd separated and he doesn't see the point in using it 😉

Everyone has their own views on the subject, ours are different to yours.


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## ngmgn234 (Jul 31, 2021)

In my experience, preparing for marriage was a time-consuming job. I went through a lot of legal information, read a lot of articles like this one How to Win a Divorce Case: 6 Tactics for Lawyers | Lawrina and in the end, the divorce was successful. Yes, the divorce did not take away the suffering I was going through. on the contrary, it got worse, but I'm glad I lost my husband. After all, the love between the two of us has long since died out


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I received my divorce petition and signed it today. I saw my husband yesterday as I vacated the apartment I took when I first moved out. He made me a slightly low and cheeky offer for my share of the house, but I've agreed - he then said he needed to double check and come back to me! lol. His tone has changed and he's more hostile, shame but I guess that's to be expected. 
Lots of things had changed, and one odd thing was his phone rang - that may not sound odd to you, but he always permanently had it on silent when we were married - I couldn't get hold of him even when I needed to. He was cagey about a few things too, like he's going on holiday with a friend. I hope he's moving on and happy, just some odd behavior I guess.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

My husband sent me the Financial Clean Break Order to complete last week. We still have to detail all of our financial assets even if we have agreement, and a judge needs to sign it.

So I completed my part fully and then sent it back to him to complete his part. I asked for a copy back before filing. Here's where it gets interesting - he claimed that despite finding an extra pension he was coming out as far under my net assets. Yet I know his savings aren't far off mine and his pensions are quite a bit higher, so I don't understand how that can be the case. I don't want any of them, but it is important that it looks fair an reasonable to the court. I earn more than my husband and it could look like he's entitled to spousal support in this case, plus the net earnings differential look worse since he has a company car and pays company car tax, and I take a cash for car allowance and then privately pay for a vehicle and expenses for work purposes. I have asked him if he wants any spousal support and he's said no, so I'm good with that and one reason I've agreed a lower amount for my equity, but we need to make it look reasonable enough for a judge not to overturn it. So I asked him for a copy of the completed document. He seems to not want to send it.

He's financing my equity via his savings and a gift from his parents (the irony of which is that I'd be entitled to 50% if we were to go that route) but I have zero desire for any of it. I also know he downplayed his savings when making me the offer, and I decided it didn't matter. We both can live moving forward and that's what matters, but his reluctance to send me the completed document is becoming another flag to me.

Is this type of behaviour typical during an 'amicable' divorce... when does it start to move from amicable to game playing?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> amicable'


 it is only amicable if both people know all and are open to the other , if one tries to pull the wool or hide something then it becomes a reason for having a shark work for you


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> My husband sent me the Financial Clean Break Order to complete last week. We still have to detail all of our financial assets even if we have agreement, and a judge needs to sign it.
> 
> So I completed my part fully and then sent it back to him to complete his part. I asked for a copy back before filing. Here's where it gets interesting - he claimed that despite finding an extra pension he was coming out as far under my net assets. Yet I know his savings aren't far off mine and his pensions are quite a bit higher, so I don't understand how that can be the case. I don't want any of them, but it is important that it looks fair an reasonable to the court. I earn more than my husband and it could look like he's entitled to spousal support in this case, plus the net earnings differential look worse since he has a company car and pays company car tax, and I take a cash for car allowance and then privately pay for a vehicle and expenses for work purposes. I have asked him if he wants any spousal support and he's said no, so I'm good with that and one reason I've agreed a lower amount for my equity, but we need to make it look reasonable enough for a judge not to overturn it. So I asked him for a copy of the completed document. He seems to not want to send it.
> 
> ...


Oh, BE CAREFUL with this...my STBX and I are going through an easy, amicable divorce, and I can't see any understandable reason for your STBX to be so obviously hiding things and attempting to misrepresent things, except that he could be trying to take advantage of how easy-going and self-sufficient you are (and always have been). He could be accustomed to you being his financial safety net, and is trying to maintain that as long as possible.

Also, this is going to be a LONG process, so it's not a good sign that his demeanor has changed so soon.

Have you ever thought to discuss any of the process with a lawyer? You might want to get some legal advice, because once things have been decided by the courts, they are difficult to alter!

Be careful that your willingness to be kind and accommodating to him doesn't hurt you financially in the long run!!


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Thanks LisaDiane.

He has now shared the document and we're going to have a call about it. I want some amendments.

His demeanor changed a month or so ago. His behaviour is very different, but I left so I guess that's just to be expected. He has filed at breakneck speed now (from someone apparently so distraught with this happening) that we have a court date for decree nisi (the date the judge officially stamps the divorce) of 9th September and potentially everything will be finalised on 22nd October... 6 days after our wedding anniversary. I had a little cry.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> My husband sent me the Financial Clean Break Order to complete last week. We still have to detail all of our financial assets even if we have agreement, and a judge needs to sign it.
> 
> So I completed my part fully and then sent it back to him to complete his part. I asked for a copy back before filing. Here's where it gets interesting - he claimed that despite finding an extra pension he was coming out as far under my net assets. Yet I know his savings aren't far off mine and his pensions are quite a bit higher, so I don't understand how that can be the case. I don't want any of them, but it is important that it looks fair an reasonable to the court. I earn more than my husband and it could look like he's entitled to spousal support in this case, plus the net earnings differential look worse since he has a company car and pays company car tax, and I take a cash for car allowance and then privately pay for a vehicle and expenses for work purposes. I have asked him if he wants any spousal support and he's said no, so I'm good with that and one reason I've agreed a lower amount for my equity, but we need to make it look reasonable enough for a judge not to overturn it. So I asked him for a copy of the completed document. He seems to not want to send it.
> 
> ...


Exactly what @frenchpaddy said. If you're sensing deception, then it's time to bring it up. Amicable divorces don't mean you can't question the settlement. All it means is that you won't fight like street cats but you sure as hell can discuss until you're satisfied. 

DO NOT be naive. If it doesn't pass the smell test, then it's probably full of ****. Time to be assertive.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

We went through everything last night - I mean literally everything. How we got here. We finally had a conversation about it all. I had such guilt over leaving, over being the one to end my marriage, for moving on.
It seems I wasn't alone in thinking it was what needed to happen, just that I was the one to voice it. Yes, I've moved on, but so has he. It seems he's hooking up with random people for sex. It's his life I guess, I just told him to be careful after he went on to describe one particularly dirty encounter. 😆

With regards to the finances, he isn't keeping anything from me, what he's keeping off the document is the gift from his parents. He doesn't want it including on there for inheritance tax reasons (not my business if he doesn't declare that) but it is my business if I end up with paying spousal support as a result. So we agreed he would remove some debt he'd listed and add some more rationale as to why we've reached this agreement. We've done as much research online and think that a judge is unlikely to overturn it and we can justify the settlement. He doesn't want spousal support and I won't be giving it.

I think the deception I was sensing was around him hooking up with these women and this new life he's leading. It was in part an emotionally charged conversation last night based on the timing of receiving the decree nisi date, but I think that also allowed for a new level of honesty.

Lets hope we close this cleanly from here on in.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Received my decree Nisi yesterday. Just financial settlement to go and in 6weeks and 1 day I'll be divorced.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I earn more than my husband and it could look like he's entitled to spousal support in this case,


There is no spousal support in the Uk.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

That doesn't necessarily seem to be the case anymore, I think he can request it now and a judge would need to consider it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So many marriages end with neither of the participants realizing it until it was too late to do something about it. When the realization came upon them neither party had enough desire or strength to warrant the hard work that would be required to mend it.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi all. Tomorrow would have been my 7th anniversary. I guess it's a first to overcome. I feel a little sad that it's no longer something to celebrate. It may not help that FB has been feeding me 'memories' for the last week or so! Lol
Final divorce day is expected next Friday. We agreed he would file for the absolute then. The Financial Clean break order is with the courts, he's taken over the mortgage on the house and I'm just awaiting the form to sign over the deeds. I guess we're nearly there....


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi all. Tomorrow would have been my 7th anniversary. I guess it's a first to overcome. I feel a little sad that it's no longer something to celebrate. It may not help that FB has been feeding me 'memories' for the last week or so! Lol
> Final divorce day is expected next Friday. We agreed he would file for the absolute then. The Financial Clean break order is with the courts, he's taken over the mortgage on the house and I'm just awaiting the form to sign over the deeds. I guess we're nearly there....


I'm sure it's very conflicting to feel sadness AND relief at the same time...that's how it's been for me as I go through the end stages of my divorce. My 18th anniversary is next month, and I'm a tiny bit sad about it too, although I'm SO glad everything should be over by then (including him and all his stuff out of my life for good).

Are you doing anything that you enjoy to brighten up your life while you go through all this? And is there anything you can do to turn OFF the stupid Facebook stuff? Thank you for another reason to be glad I'm not on there!! Lol!


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

We were eligible for our decree absolute last Friday. We agreed he would file for it then, I planned the weekend to have company so I could celebrate the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another.

And he didn't file.....

I asked, I didn't get any response as to why. I felt so deflated. I'd spent Friday and Saturday watching for the email to confirm it was done. Whether this is a last power move or that he's struggling to finally push that button I don't know, but I'm frustrated. I don't get the power to do it for 3 months :-(


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Lila, you did, and I understand you don't need proof, but when I look on the gov website you do still have to cite reasons from the looks of it, and this would come under unreasonable behaviour. How unreasonable does it need to be?


Not very believe me. The reasons my husband's ex gave were laughable. Especially as she was the one who had met someone else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> We were eligible for our decree absolute last Friday. We agreed he would file for it then, I planned the weekend to have company so I could celebrate the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another.
> 
> And he didn't file.....
> 
> I asked, I didn't get any response as to why. I felt so deflated. I'd spent Friday and Saturday watching for the email to confirm it was done. Whether this is a last power move or that he's struggling to finally push that button I don't know, but I'm frustrated. I don't get the power to do it for 3 months :-(


Can you do it your self? Btw your divorce has gone through very speedily! Mine took 8 months and there were really no big hold ups.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Can you do it your self? Btw your divorce has gone through very speedily! Mine took 8 months and there were really no big hold ups.


Hi Diana, We were granted our decree nisi on 9th September. We just had to wait 43 days to apply for the absolute. I think it's gone fast because we've done it online ourselves, everything is amicable and there are no children involved. We didn't apply for financial settlement at the same time, but that is progressing separately with a financial clean break order that's also now lodged with the courts. 

Because he filed the divorce, he has to apply for the decree absolute. That's automatic now once he does, a judge doesn't review again. He has 3 months to do that, and if not, I can as long as no other evidence is presented why we shouldn't divorce at this stage.

Last thing for me is to get a solicitor to sign some ID for me and witness me signing a declaration of solvency for the land transfer, then all financials will be settled also. He's taken over the mortgage so it's just removing me from the deeds and the small matter of him paying me the agreed amount.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Diana, We were granted our decree nisi on 9th September. We just had to wait 43 days to apply for the absolute. I think it's gone fast because we've done it online ourselves, everything is amicable and there are no children involved. We didn't apply for financial settlement at the same time, but that is progressing separately with a financial clean break order that's also now lodged with the courts.
> 
> Because he filed the divorce, he has to apply for the decree absolute. That's automatic now once he does, a judge doesn't review again. He has 3 months to do that, and if not, I can as long as no other evidence is presented why we shouldn't divorce at this stage.
> 
> Last thing for me is to get a solicitor to sign some ID for me and witness me signing a declaration of solvency for the land transfer, then all financials will be settled also. He's taken over the mortgage so it's just removing me from the deeds and the small matter of him paying me the agreed amount.


Its usually the time between filing and the nisi that takes so long. 
It's better when it goes faster isn't it. 
I hope the absolute is done soon for you.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Yeah, I think it was around 7 weeks from filing to nisi. The whole thing so far has been a bit of a whirlwind to be honest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

T


MarmiteC said:


> Yeah, I think it was around 7 weeks from filing to nisi. The whole thing so far has been a bit of a whirlwind to be honest.


They must have sped things up since my divorce 20 years ago!


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