# Choreplay



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Does a clean kitchen lead to more sex? The art of 'chore-play' – The Chart - CNN.com Blogs


Be sure to read all the way through, b/c the distinction between a man taking responsibility/true partnership and the guy-without-a-backbone is important!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Married Man Sex Life: Work The L-Spot: She Will Beg You For More


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

I think this is very true! I brought the term "choreplay" to my wife and it was as if the lightbulb came on. She totally understood the concept and felt that she has been guilty of it. I suppose there is nothing sexy about a lazy man who don't want to help around the house. The converse is also true. It really can be, for me, a performance based sex drive. If I'm not willing to take out the trash, she usually isn't in the mood to jump my bones! I'm a firm believer that the person in the relationship with the lowest drive, ultimately controls the sex. In my case, that is not me, so I often feel like a salesperson, trying to show off and sell my goods in hopes that something I say or do will turn her on! We all know that sex in marriage usually takes time and work and helping out around the house is a great way to help your chances! It certainly can't hurt your chances!


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

WOW! I cannot believe how timely this post is! My husband rarley does any chores around the house. To say it bums me out is an understatement! Well, imagine my surprise today when I heard the vac going and then came downstairs to find him washing the kitchen floor. It made me so happy that when he was finished I called him upstairs to have a morning romp! I even told him jokingly (but with truth) that I couldn't love him more for helping around the house! Been such a good day we had an afternoon session too!!! I just read him this article and he smiled. I sure hope he keeps up the good work!!!!:smthumbup:


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I do some around the house.
I cook a lot and clean up the kitchen, I occasionally vacuum, I help fold the laundry, I make up the bed about 25% of the time. I wash the cars, take care of the yard and the dogs when I am home.
I am gone a lot with work, so my wife affords me a lot of goof off time when I am home, but I also try to take some of the load off of her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think this article will resonate with women who, according to the Love Languages book, has "*Acts of Service*" near the top of their lists to "feel loved" by their husbands or of coarse they are working women & are swamped at home. And truly need the help. I am Sooo NOT this woman though, even when I did have a part time job. These things mean very little to me, I like to do my own dishes, my own clothes, I feel that is my job & I generally get these things done when he is at work. But I am a stay at home Mom, so I should be pulling my load.

At one time when my husband wanted more action in the bedroom & I seemed oblivious, he mistakenly thought helping me with the dishes was going to get him more sex. He tells me this many years later. I asked where on earth he got that idea, he said he read it on the internet. I just laughed at him, cause that was NOT the way to deal with me at all. He needed to talk to me about what he wanted, a little flirting , not doing my silly dishes. 

Though I do love and appreciate when he helps the kids with their homework, I can't say this makes him more attractive but just a great dad.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I cook every meal. I do at least half the cleaning and other chores. I'm not really getting any payoff. If I wanted to barter for sex, I didn't need to get married. It was freely thrown at me from all sides when I was single.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Chores for sex, like the article weakly mentions near the end, it is a huge mistake to think a man bartering or serving a woman is the cause of her feeling sexual for him.

I agree with Sister359, pay attention to the difference between responsibility and not showing backbone, because the article can be misleading if only casually read.

Instead, understand a woman, she is needing to feel secure for sexual stimulation to even be possible. 

If she is overloaded or overwhelmed with housework or chores undone, she will be frustrated and sexual feelings, it just isn't going to happen for her, no matter how attractive or dominant her man is to begin with.

So, of course it is proper for any good man in a relationship that he can take on some tasks to assist, especially if both the man and woman are working full time outside the home, and especially if there are young children taxing the mother to her wits end! 

But as well, this article is full of some nonsense so be wary:

From OP article:


> In my own life, I've noticed that when I take the time to really play with my kids, my wife finds me sexier—and my chances of sex improve.


"Chances of sex"? :scratchhead:

This, I do not understand on many levels, notwithstanding any idea that sex is some sort of a game of chance. 

Particularly if a man is only spending time with his children to hopefully get a "chance of sex", then he is barking up several wrong trees. 

A man spending time with his children, and enjoying being the man in the relationship, husband and father, his woman is feeling secure, and important, and she will be open to sexual and intimate experiences.

I hope that a man spending time with his own children is not lumped in with "chores" or "housework", or especially not lumped in with something done merely hoping for some "chance of sex." 




Joanie said:


> WOW! I cannot believe how timely this post is! My husband rarley does any chores around the house. To say it bums me out is an understatement! Well, imagine my surprise today when I heard the vac going and then came downstairs to find him washing the kitchen floor. It made me so happy that when he was finished I called him upstairs to have a morning romp! I even told him jokingly (but with truth) that I couldn't love him more for helping around the house! Been such a good day we had an afternoon session too!!! I just read him this article and he smiled. I sure hope he keeps up the good work!!!!:smthumbup:


So let me ask this. :scratchhead:

Since this choreplay structure is so successful for you, now of course when you follow your man's lead in this new found sexual path between both of you, and you yourself take the initiative to change the oil in the vehicles and rotate the tires, or rebuild the lawnmower's carburetor, or perhaps cut down those dead trees in the yard and split the wood, any or all of this to of course help your husband with his responsibilities, do you expect that you will be just as excited when your husband will then reward you with sex? 

If so I will hope you will as well to "keep up the good work". :smthumbup:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband and I share our housework. 

My husband says it is all fair for him to help me out at home since I have a job too. 

So I cook, clean up and pay all the bills; he does the dishes, laundry, and takes out the garbage; We go to the market together. 

He also makes coffee, but making coffee is his hobby, he enjoys doing it, it doesn't count. He spends a lot of time making coffee, he likes it! 

I feel good that I can give us a better life style by working and give us a nice place to live by doing things at home. Diligent people always get rewards! My opinion!


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## pizzatech (Nov 27, 2010)

I actually fell into this trap; lots of chores to do, and not enough sex, so I helped out more, and the sex life didn't improve. Of course I took that to mean that I wasn't doing enough, and tried to do even more.

These articles can be a little misleading, and anyone with the 'nice guy' mentality should take them with a pinch of salt. It's far too easy to move from husband to servant in her eyes.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Here is my theory on housework for men:

The man should be helping _consistently_ with chores and showing that he is responsible and can get things done easily. This means talking about each regular chore with your spouse and agreeing together on who is responsible for what and when. Keep in mind that it is the expectation that you get these things done; if it's your responsibility, then you shouldn't _expect_ rewards. If you do a great job with the chores, get them done on time, and--most importantly--act like they're no big deal, then your wife will view you as dependable and responsible. That's your reward. If, on the other hand, you act like a puppy who wants praise, she will view you as exactly that--a puppy who needs a treat for every mundane thing it does. She will not view you as a man. If you act like a martyr or act like the chores you do are demanding or difficult, she will view you as an incompetent five-year-old; not a man. It's up to you what image you want to project.

That said, I don't think men should be stepping in every time their wife gets "overwhelmed" or cranky about chores. As a female, I can confidently say that chores are NOT a big deal in the scheme of things, at least for me. Women like to use the "you don't help enough around the house" complaint as an excuse for not being nice, not wanting sex, etc. We say this because we want to blame someone else for our self-generated stress and unhappiness sometimes. 

You want your extra help to be viewed in a positive light! So if she really is legitimately overwhelmed and isn't trying to blame you or whine that you "never help," then THAT'S when you step in and help with a few projects. You can still act masculine and respectable here--if you know something needs to get done, do it, don't ask if she wants you to. If you're not sure what needs to be done, tell her to sit with you and make a list. Then pick something on the list and own it. Don't ask what she wants you to do...Do what YOU want to do. She'll appreciate it!

Don't encourage whining or passive aggressive behavior. If she keeps trying to blame you for her stress, sit down with her and talk about it. Consider revising your agreed-upon responsibilities but only after addressing the fact that she is placing unfair blame on you. Don't just agree to "help more" and "hope" that she'll start feeling better. This rarely works. If you do go down this path, my advice is 1. Don't. Turn your pathetic bum around and reread this post. and 2. If you absolutely must, at least try and "help" with a concrete project where you can see the results (like mowing the lawn or cleaning up some leaves). Be sure to finish what you start. If you fold 20 shirts and there are 5 shirts left, she will see that the laundry still isn't folded, and will likely be irritated with you for not being dependable.

Also, all this advice goes out the window if your parents (her in-laws) are visiting. You better JUMP at the opportunity to do any and all chores when they're at your house. If you really need to ask me why, feel free and I will give you a looong answer


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

NoLongerSad said:


> Chores are chores, sex is sex, there is no relationship between the two. If a man is not pulling his weight with the household chores, that should have absolutely no impact on the couple's sex life. It does entitle the wife to demand more assistance with the chores; it does not entitle the wife to withhold sex.


In theory, this should be the case, but it doesn't always work this way. The missing factor here is respect. A woman can't respect a man who leaves his gross gym clothes all over the floor and expects her to pick them up... Or a man who says "I'll do the dishes" and, like a moron, breaks the dishwasher and fails to clean up the mess or have it fixed. Those things scream incompetence and childishness, which can make a woman lose respect for her husband and consequently want to avoid sex with him.

So I think chores and sex are linked in that way. I do agree with the rest of the post though; doing the dishes does not mean you're guaranteed sex (or your husband not doing them doesn't mean you can refuse sex for that reason).


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Women like to use the "you don't help enough around the house" complaint as an excuse for not being nice, not wanting sex, etc. We say this because we want to blame someone else for our self-generated stress and unhappiness sometimes.


Thank you for admitting that. I always suspected as much.

Cause' that is the truth - there are always be chores to be done. But you are only young once.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Thank you for admitting that. I always suspected as much.
> 
> Cause' that is the truth - there are always be chores to be done. But you are only young once.


I really do think it's true! I happen to be a messy, chore-hating, student so I am definitely more focused on the being young part, rather than the chores... I think it's also easier for me to accept the fact that my apartment isn't spotless and no one visiting or hanging out cares. Once you own a minimansion in some suburb, then suddenly all this pressure develops to keep it spotless. But homes are meant to be lived in, not kept pristine like a museum. It's harder for some women to accept that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think …. it all depends on the people in the marriage. One guy I know thinks that hoovering is akin to foreplay. I don’t.

In fact my wife’s response to “moving into her territory” was one of resentment. She took it as a criticism that she couldn’t do it herself. I even offered to help with spring cleaning over a weekend … that was taken as a direct criticism!!! And a really big turn off for her. Of course when she was ill the ball game changed as it should do.

So it all …. just depends.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doing chores doesn't lead to more sex at my house but it does lead to more chores.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I think I am more apt to be in the mood in a clean house... that's just me though.

If the house looks nice and the bed is made with clean sheets and there is no laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink I can really relax and focus on pleasing my man and being pleased.

I think a messy house is a distraction and a stressor- a messy house can have a bad effect on my personal sex life.
Neither me or my husband are neat freaks, but coming home to a clean house is, in a way, a reminder that we love each other enough to minimize the distractions and stressors in the home so that we CAN have sex w/o those chores in the back of our minds.

Also, I know if I don't clean out the ashtray or leave a mess in the kitchen, my husband will resent me for it (especially if he reminds me that I need to do it) Likewise, if I ask him to take out the trash and recycling for me and it doesn't get done for 3 days, then I subconsiously feel like he is intentionally ignoring my request.

/my 2 cents


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well I’m by myself now and the house isn’t so neat and tidy, stuff seems to pile up everywhere! I had one guy rent a room for a while and he asked “Why do you iron the sheets!?”. It’s taken me about 6 months to get a knack of hanging them out and ironing the things is a whole different ball game!

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I think I am more apt to be in the mood in a clean house... that's just me though.
> 
> If the house looks nice and the bed is made with clean sheets and there is no laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink I can really relax and focus on pleasing my man and being pleased.
> 
> ...


Can't beat coming down in the morning to a nice clean kitchen.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Never know that doing chores can lead to sex, only know that doing chores can make our life better. 

I have a lot of time, I don't know what to do with it, we don't have TV, my husband said no TV, he said that I will be more productive if there is no TV, he will get more cooked meals from me. And it is true!


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> If she is overloaded or overwhelmed with housework or chores undone, she will be frustrated and sexual feelings, it just isn't going to happen for her, no matter how attractive or dominant her man is to begin with.
> :


I learned this the hard way. Already, I do the bulk of cleaning and other chores because my wife is always really tired (she suffers from depression). She cooks. When we last moved for my job, she fell in love with our home, but it was 35 years old and needed to be completely remodeled. I explained this, but she wanted it anyway. I worked my job about 50 hours per week, but since I don't sleep much, I remodeled about seven hours a day plus weekends. The mess nearly drove her crazy. Ms Hyde crazy.

Although I built her kitchen cabinets in my shop before gutting the kitchen, the time it took to pull everything out and rewire almost led to divorce. I put in about 2000 square feet of hardwood flooring while she was out of the country visiting her sister, and used up half my vacation when she was working to remodel.

Now that most is finished, my kids and I do the cleaning.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Doing chores doesn't lead to more sex at my house but it does lead to more chores.


Exactly what happened in my marriage.

The marriage was just about chores. The chores of cleaning the house, the chores of raising the kids, the chores of the holidays, etc. It would be one thing if it actually did lead to more sex. I think it's actually kind of sexy to exchange a sexual favor for a chore semi-frequently.

But you are right - it just led to more chores.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think this article will resonate with women who, according to the Love Languages book, has "*Acts of Service*" near the top of their lists to "feel loved" by their husbands or of coarse they are working women & are swamped at home. And truly need the help.



I have acts of service near the top of my love language. For me that is useful to know because I don't WANT to be in this quid pro quo scene. Sex should be an exchange of love not anything LIKE a bargaining chip. Just recognizing the interplay between the love language and the service has helped me to see how to see love in his language and not get all tit-for-tatty,





> I am Sooo NOT this woman though, even when I did have a part time job. These things mean very little to me, I like to do my own dishes, my own clothes, I feel that is my job & I generally get these things done when he is at work. But I am a stay at home Mom, so I should be pulling my load.


Same here. I also home school the kids. DH sometimes gets frustrated that the house does not look like his mom kept it. But Mom did not have to do math, language arts, science... The point is for me to be home schooling the kids. I would not be staying home to mop. I would be out working.

Over all the housework is mine. But he also takes responsibility for it. 



> Though I do love and appreciate when he helps the kids with their homework, I can't say this makes him more attractive but just a great dad.


Same.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

We women should all just move to Sweden where house chores by both sexes is expected.

Best Countries to Live In - Best Places to Live in the World - Marie Claire


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## escravo215 (Dec 8, 2010)

I've done laundry, dishes, cooked, bought a Shark to clean our hardwood floors, vacuum, clean all 3 bathrooms (yes hair clogs too), food shopping, and make my kid's lunches and i not that I'm looking for one, I don't even get a thank you. So that article can suck it.


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## escravo215 (Dec 8, 2010)

I've done laundry, dishes, cooked, bought a Shark to clean our hardwood floors, vacuum, clean all 3 bathrooms (yes hair clogs too), food shopping, and make my kid's lunches and i not that I'm looking for one, I don't even get a thank you. So that article can suck it. Thanks mom for showing me how to do all that, though.


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