# What can I to do now that it went underground?



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Any advice on what to do when the A goes underground? What about if your WS drives for a trucking company and uses a different truck everyday (Can't plant a VAR) and has a secret go phone? I can't afford a PI and already have an app on his phone. Nothing, except encrypted notes and texts - rarely. I understand there are apps that circumvent sWare by diverting calls and messages. Also on the phone bill I see texts back and forth from his # to his # (makes no sense). Occassionally when he delivers to a hotel, gps shows he's there for about 30-45 mins but he explains that it was a delay. The trigger for me is when he omits telling me about an upcoming hotel stop and picks a fight on the phone, stays angry not answering my calls most of the day and is evasive that day. He usually tells me daily where he is going on his routes including hotels, but on those days, I find out via gps and when I call he does not answer right away as he normally does. Help!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Kick him out? It takes two people to reconcile. If he isn't working on this with you, you can't make him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

True (have done that many, many times before). I know his attachment to me is unhealthy. But it's not that simple...Really important that I get further proof.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why is so important to get the proof at this point if he isn't being transparent and obviously furtive?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

If you know he's being unfaithful why do you need more in evidence?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> True (have done that many, many times before). I know his attachment to me is unhealthy. But it's not that simple...Really important that I get further proof.


'His attachment to you?' Or your attachment to him?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thats WAY more evidence than needed for me to send him packing. You cant make him want R. All you can do is control YOUR reaction to this. Put him out.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Kick him out? It takes two people to reconcile. If he isn't working on this with you, you can't make him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You need to get out and move on. You are spending all your time trying to "find out" things instead of spending the time on yourself and YOUR life. You already know what he is up to. No more time need be wasted "pain shopping".


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Pain...I have mastered by now. I need my out but the time is not right yet. I am stuck with a new baby and no job as yet. Running away etc. to someone's house with my kids is not an option. I have my plan but am doing this in the meantime because I was too busy for 13 years trying to build a house on sand, that I never saw the 8 year A. It is extremely important to me to have some rock solid tangibles. At this point, it is way too convenient for them if my children and I leave and way too inconvenient for my children and I to leave. Thanks again.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Pain...I have mastered by now. I need my out but the time is not right yet. I am stuck with a new baby and no job as yet. Running away etc. to someone's house with my kids is not an option. I have my plan but am doing this in the meantime because I was too busy for 13 years trying to build a house on sand, that I never saw the 8 years A. It is extremely important to me to have some rock solid tangibles. Thanks again.


I'm not suggesting that you leave - ask him to leave. You may never have 'rock solid evidence'. 

You are entitled to some support during proceeding but you could confer with an attorney to know your full legal rights.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

For the first time in our married life, he is paying all the bills, can't ask him to leave yet. Did confer with an attorney, it looks better for me once I gain employment. Until then...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

So if you are simply waiting until you go back to work to file for divorce, why bother with trying to find concrete evidence? Focus on finding a job and moving on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> For the first time in our married life, he is paying all the bills, can't ask him to leave yet. Did confer with an attorney, it looks better for me once I gain employment. Until then...


I'm sorry but your posts make no sense, and the advice you have been given by various posters makes complete sense which you simply disregard as not useful.

First of all if you're headed towards divorce you do NOT want to go get a job because it alleviates him of his financial obligation to support you. 

Secondly he's responsible to house you and your children, that's the LAW. 

Thirdly the courts don't give a rat's ass about infidelity so there's no point in chasing him around with GPS and VARs to try to find information to support what you already know which is that he's cheating on you.

Good luck you're going to need it because you aren't doing a thing to help yourself out of this mess.



alte Dame said:


> 'His attachment to you?' Or your attachment to him?


Exactly. The Op seems to have it conveniently backwards.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Stop badgering him. Collect enough money for a retainer on the sly. Ask him to work more overtime as you work on your job prospects so you can help the family. Ask to go to school to get more education if you can. 

Let him have his fun but have strategic headaches, periods, and really bad days to cut back on your chances for infection.

BUT...you say you need more evidence. But you know it's an 8 year affair and you say THEM as if you know who he's staying with.

So you know what time it is. "No Fault" means you don't need to prove anything to anyone. Your parents will believe you. His parents will believe him. Who cares what else happens?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> Stop badgering him. Collect enough money for a retainer on the sly. Ask him to work more overtime as you work on your job prospects so you can help the family. Ask to go to school to get more education if you can.
> 
> Let him have his fun but have strategic headaches, periods, and really bad days to cut back on your chances for infection.
> 
> ...


I know who it is. They both said "nothing happened". I know it's a lie. He said all the proof I had was "phone calls" and text mssgs on the phn bill. That he never saw her or touched her in the 8 years of their secret communication, he tells the church this too. Failed to mention in counseling that she did talk to him sexually on the phone, but he "didn't follow through" and to this day sticks by that story that they were just friends and the only thing he did wrong was vent his feelings about me to a secret stranger (past co-worker) that became a friend (who was giving him marriage advice but has never been married, is 10 years younger). I do want to get another degree while I am in this position. He never bought our daughter a single pair of $10 shoes during those 8 years but easily spent $38 on one single 13 minute phone call to OW. SO I divorced him and then found out about her. Wasn't quite able to fit the whole story together until after we remarried, when I searched every corner of my mind to match the details of my life back then with the knowledge now of her existence. The thing that bothers me is why would he remarry me when they had a chance to get married etc. or why would they continue after we remarried. I know I used to be one hell of a naiive and overworked, tired breadwinner that I suspected he had someone else but could not afford to follow through with a PI, etc. I feel doubly motivated now to get more than phone bills. There are times I really think he is trying, even being overwhelmed with trying but it is hard for me to believe that "nothing happened" and therefore the foundation of this marriage is worse than the first one unless he fesses up completely. Until then, I am living a farce with a fraud. He never volunteers anything and always has a justification for everything after I find out...She is just as bad - She is into marketing and advertising for an insurance company & actually chairs a charity to help unfortunate children and families. I have told him to go back to her, that what they have we have never had and that I even believe theirs is "true love" because he sacrificed me and the children for her sake for YEARS, that I will prepare the children for this and everything can be very amicable and I meant every word. But he says that there will be no amicability if I divorce him again - which I couldn't care less. I deliberately say bad things about her to see his response and he gets really angry and retorts back to me what I said about her - so he is very defensive and protective of her. So the only thing I could figure is that she is not yet ready to settle down therefore, the children and I are his something to do until she is ready.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> I know who it is. They both said "nothing happened". I know it's a lie. He said all the proof I had was "phone calls" and text mssgs on the phn bill. That he never saw her or touched her in the 8 years of their secret communication, he tells the church this too. Failed to mention in counseling that she did talk to him sexually on the phone, but he "didn't follow through" and to this day sticks by that story that they were just friends and the only thing he did wrong was vent his feelings about me to a secret stranger (past co-worker) that became a friend (who was giving him marriage advice but has never been married, is 10 years younger). I do want to get another degree while I am in this position. He never bought our daughter a single pair of $10 shoes during those 8 years but easily spent $38 on one single 13 minute phone call to OW. SO I divorced him and then found out about her. Wasn't quite able to fit the whole story together until after we remarried, when I searched every corner of my mind to match the details of my life back then with the knowledge now of her existence. The thing that bothers me is why would he remarry me when they had a chance to get married etc. or why would they continue after we remarried. I know I used to be one hell of a naiive and overworked, tired breadwinner that I suspected he had someone else but could not afford to follow through with a PI, etc. I feel doubly motivated now to get more than phone bills. There are times I really think he is trying, even being overwhelmed with trying but it is hard for me to believe that "nothing happened" and therefore the foundation of this marriage is worse than the first one unless he fesses up completely. Until then, I am living a farce with a fraud. He never volunteers anything and always has a justification for everything after I find out...She is just as bad - She is into marketing and advertising for an insurance company & actually chairs a charity to help unfortunate children and families. I have told him to go back to her, that what they have we have never had and that I even believe theirs is "true love" because he sacrificed me and the children for her sake for YEARS, that I will prepare the children for this and everything can be very amicable and I meant every word. But he says that there will be no amicability if I divorce him again - which I couldn't care less. I deliberately say bad things about her to see his response and he gets really angry and retorts back to me what I said about her - so he is very defensive and protective of her. So the only thing I could figure is that she is not yet ready to settle down therefore, the children and I are his something to do until she is ready.


You know he is a cheater and you have already told him that you are filing for divorce.

Start reading up on the 180 process (see newbie link at the top of this forum) to separate yourself emotionally until you can file.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

He's a serial cheater and he doesn't seem like he can be reformed. File.

In the USA, you can file for D because you don't like the color of his socks, and he still will have to support his children. 

Start detaching yourself emotionally. It's over.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I really wish I had found TAM two years ago....Thanks to all for the advice. I did take some steps over the last two years but some were too late...like exposing her on the net. Initially I exposed to her father and one of her ex beaus. But...too late. Wanted more literal proof to do a final exposure before I walked...too late. I am just not one of those people that can keep up with deceitful others. I have learned a great deal however, if that's a p;us then that's what I walk away with.


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