# Boring sex, thinking of alternatives



## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

Our sex life has been on a steady decline over the last year. It now mainly consists of once a week obligatory (on her part) missionary position sex This is despite my best efforts - Friday wining & dining and regular movie nights, cleaning and cooking. It's like she is just taking me for granted - not caring about her appearance and I feel like I'm competing with her iPad for attention. She also seems to be reconnecting with her religious past which does not mix well with any eroticism I initiate.
I could live with hot sex once a week but I'm starting to find this a turn-off. 
The thought of using the services of a hooker has been entering my thoughts a lot lately. Any thoughts?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

A better alternative - and less health risky- find a very good sex therapist and both of you attend counseling sessions with them. 

One year turns into years if you don't get this dealt with quickly. 

If this truly is a deal breaker - a professional is a good ideal - just not the professional you suggested.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

One year does turn into a decade very quickly. If you're getting the physical side met through your wife, just not the intimate part, then a hooker will offer no more and you will risk disease and the total loss of your marriage, so bad idea.
As for religion, the Christian religion, like me, encourages sex between married couples and lots of it, so not sure how that becomes a passion killer?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

How is the affection outside the bedroom? Are you cuddling, hugging, kissing? I found with my husband he never showed any affection (even though he did all the things you say you do in your first post) and then when we got in the bedroom he expected me to be "ready to go" whenever he was. 
I desperately missed foreplay - long slow kisses, gentle touching of my face, etc. So even though I considered myself with a high sex drive, it was severely diminished and we ended up in the rut of having sex the same position, the same way, what felt like me to be a "means to an end" as opposed to really getting hot and steamy.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Fix it now because it will just get worse and worse. 

Here are the steps:

1. be clear on what you expect. does she really know how big of a problem this is for you and what needs to change in order for you to be OK? If yes, no further discussion on this point is needed. If no, find a time to tell her in a calm way with a minimum of accusatory tone.

2. examine yourself to see why she may not be attracted to you as she once was. Are you out of shape? Are you fun to be with? Do other women find you attractive? Be honest with yourself and fix it.

3. Once you have completed #1 and #2, if there is no improvement from her, I would recommend pulling back on things that are important to her. She needs to see that she will not have the kind of relationship she wants if she won't meet your needs. If she complains you can say you would like to have a better relationship, but you won't be in a one sided relationship any longer so it has to be a mutual effort.

4. If you get past #3 and there is no positive change, then you should cut your losses and move on.


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

peacem said:


> ...
> How would she feel about a sex book like a modern kama sutra?...., but do you make her feel really sexy? ... but he never slapped me on the arse and told me he was going to rip my clothes off later. I would love sexy text messages, and I wish he would buy me sexy things, I have to buy them myself ...


I have tried 'instructional' videos including Kama Sutra dvd's. These are of course quite explicit and always lead to fabulously hot earth shaking sex. But soon after the guilt (brought on by religious teachings) kicks in. She always seems to end an argument with " .. and about those dvd's, I never want to see them again..." I believe she meant it the last time so I have stopped that form of foreplay.
I still find her hot and fondle and grope her playfully quite often and tell her exactly what I would like us to do. I have bought her sexy stuff which she refuses to wear (like see-thru lingerie - nothing outrageous).
I literally beg her to go out buy nice/sexy clothing but the reply is always the same - " I will as soon as I lose some weight... "


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> How is the affection outside the bedroom? Are you cuddling, hugging, kissing? ...
> I desperately missed foreplay - long slow kisses, gentle touching of my face, etc. ...


I do make a conscious effort to be affectionate (probably not often enough) as opposed to just lustful groping. I offer her massages as part of our foreplay. I often try to do fantasy role playing (this often works well but then the guilt kicks in).

I always hear/read that men who do their share (or more in my case) get a lot more sex - it's simply a myth in my case


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> ... Are you out of shape? Are you fun to be with? Do other women find you attractive? ... .


I am in great shape for a 50 yo. I still work out (not a fanatical gym junkie) and I still race bicycles (yes, waxed legs and lycra).
Am I fun to be with? I can only say I try, we do have widely differing interests though. Do other women find me attractive? I haven't a clue. Why should that matter ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If other women found you attractive your old lady would be more worried about losing to a regular chick instead of a working one.

I'm thinking your old lady thinks you aren't going anywere, but if she thought she was going to lose you to someone else she would have a better game.

That's why it matters a lot if other females find you attractive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BeaverBeauty said:


> I do make a conscious effort to be affectionate (probably not often enough) as opposed to just lustful groping.:


You make lustful groping a bad thing...why?


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

the guy said:


> You make lustful groping a bad thing...why?


Not at all, the point I was making is that i do both, just not in equal measures


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

mary35 said:


> A better alternative - and less health risky- find a very good sex therapist and both of you attend counseling sessions with them.
> 
> One year turns into years if you don't get this dealt with quickly.
> 
> If this truly is a deal breaker - a professional is a good ideal - just not the professional you suggested.


:iagree:

My wife has never really been into sex...saw it as a maybe once a month duty. Very boring. No real foreplay, no oral (ever) no real participation etc. We went to MC but when the importance of sex in marriage came up she stopped going. 

Her complete lack of interest in sex - or my needs - lead to me disconnecting to the point that even if she jumped my bones I wouldn't be interested. She has effectively killed my libido completely....certainly as far as she is concerned.

So as Mary says, yes unless you sort this now give yourselves a couple of years and YOU will be in a sexual desert having lost all interes in you wife and sex in general.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BeaverBeauty said:


> .....always seems to end an argument with " .. and about those dvd's, I never want to see them again..."
> 
> ...I still find her hot and fondle and grope her playfully quite often and tell her exactly what I would like us to do. I have bought her sexy stuff which she refuses to wear (like see-thru lingerie - nothing outrageous).
> 
> ...I literally beg her to go out buy nice/sexy clothing but the reply is always the same - " I will as soon as I lose some weight... "


Let's be clear here, don't blame her religion on her body self-image issues. The two are not the same. She has self-image issues based on what you posted. That is a whole different creature to deal with and a more dificult one. 

If it was just religion there are lots of websites out there like Christian Nympo's and some Catholic websites that indicates a whole lot of strange stuff is just fine among an husband and wife and will quote chapter and verse to back it up.

Body self image is hard to deal with. I know as my wife has huge body self image issues as well as religious hangups. 

As to your original post. A hooker is not a solution. It would be sabotaging your marriage to make it fail.

Good luck.

P.S. based on what you have posted, I strongly recommend you get and read Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe I missed it, but how long have you two been together? At 50, once a week sex, date nights, movie nights actually sound pretty good to me, especially if this is with someone I've managed to live over 20 years with.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Maybe I missed it, but how long have you two been together? At 50, once a week sex, date nights, movie nights actually sound pretty good to me, especially if this is with someone I've managed to live over 20 years with.


Its all relative to the needs of each partner. I am 66, W is 65, been married almost 44 years. We have sex twice a week, when it falls to once a week, I go crazy for a variety of reasons, due to the time we had a sex starved marriage.


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