# Still confused on what he wants



## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

We've been separated for 10 days and I still have no idea what he wants. He didn't know what he wanted when he left. But just wants me to focus on myself, our daughter and friends right now. Is/has anyone been separated without knowing which direction your spouse wanted to go? I'm going crazy!


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

I have been separated for 10 days as well. My wife went from texting she wanted to work it out with me and made a mistake by leaving me to erasing me completely out of her life. It can be very confusing.. and hurtful. You will find a lot of very useful and helpful information here. 

This has hit me hard and I have been leaning on the folks here who have been thru this already and it really does help. I am now just focusing on healing and doing what I need to do to be better. I have cut off communications and it feels good. The less contact you have the less painful it is... 

The in between, the limbo is just awful. I suggest you just focus on moving on with your life.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

NSS I feel for you. You going crazy is normal feelings. Probably about 80% panic and 20% shock with what is going on. It is a normal human reaction. Deal with it by keeping busy at this early stage.

I cant stress enough that it is early days atm, but you need to get some clarity for yourself. He has asked you to focus on yourself, I suggest you start doing that with some vigor. Get yourself to some IC ASAP. It will definitely help. 

Do you have family and a trusted friend you can talk to and lean on during this time? Its important not to lean on him as that will push him away. 

I went through very much the same thing, that limbo is pretty nasty and make you feel like crap. Here is the thing it does get easier.

You have a way to go but you really need to forge out a direction for yourself with this and that cant be focused on getting him back it needs to be dealing with yourself, its hard but you just need to start. Book some IC you will benefit from it I promise.

I know this is hard and you don't want to do it, but you have no choice but to walk into that fear and deal with it, you have choices here.

Read the 180 and start doing it for yourself. If you want to win him back you need to do this it will make you more attractive to him. Use this time productively. Dont become a victim. It will destroy you if you do.

Stay strong and take little bites one day at time. Post away here good and bad, this place is safe. You can do this, believe in yourself.


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## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

Thank you Faithful123. That is so helpful to me. I appreciate your words so much!


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

I know you don't see it yet but with time, you will. I think its important to not repress your feelings if you need to cry, then cry, its cathartic. We all have down days, I'm months in and my wife is working towards divorce, whilst is sad and I was sad, I know now that I can only control what I do and have no power over here. We reflect on happier times and that makes us said as we have lost that. I still have down days now, but they are less frequent and manageable.

Just keep going slowly and take very little bites, do something each day that improves your feelings and or circumstances. Cook a nice meal for yourself and your daughter, get your nails done, have a massage. Little things like this improve our mood.

I also need to stress that the pit in your stomach, loss of appetite, sleeplessness and associated feeling of anxiety are perfectly normal. Deal with these directly, take a sleeping tablet to help you sleep in the short term, eat even if you're not hungry, eat healthy wholesome food. Sleep is the single most important thing in this. 

If you get run down and tired things will become a great deal harder for you, so focus on sleep. It will help.

Remember you're not alone in this, this forum helps, don't be afraid to post that you're doing it tough, have stumbled etc, its to be expected and this isn't easy.

I know you just want him back and things back to normal, but for that to happen you need to become a stronger more assertive independent person. That is what is attractive. Don't be a doormat, ask for what you deserve, don't base your decisions on how he will react or what he expects (this is tough if you're a co-dependent person). 

You need to accept for now that you will be apart and in time all being well you will come back together. Become a better person. We will be here for you commenting and providing advice


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

Give him his space. Don't contact him. I know it's hard, but you really have to do it. Keep reading everyone's threads so you can learn from us and not make many mistakes. You will make mistakes, and that's ok, but you gotta be strong. 

Work on yourself and let him work on himself. This is out of your control and you can only control yourself and how you react to it. 

Highly recommend individual counseling. It really helped me see things clearly. 

Keep reading here and continue to post. We'll help you through this and you're not alone.


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## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

Thanks vn1955. These kinds of comments are so reassuring.


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