# Did you seperate first? Advice please



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

So this may seem like a stupid question but it's one that I can't shake. I don't know if we should try a separation or not. I know that I have been questioning everything about my past with DH for almost 3 months now. I know that my counselor says that I have emotionally disconnected and that I'm just scared to make the obvious decision. I know that the only time I can really think straight is when he's not around. But I don't know if this is just a phase. I don't know if I'm just in a bad place. I don't know if I'm being held in this marriage because I'm to nice and too worried about hurting him. 

Part of me wants to separate so he can have time to process what is happening. We have a lot of things we need to work out and I don't think he can make any major decisions in his state of mind. I want to try to do this is as amicable as possible but with his emotions running on overdrive how can have any type of talk that will make sense. 

I'm just so f'ing confused about everything. What did you do? Did it work? Would you have done anything differently? HELP PLEASE

~The Destroyer


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> So this may seem like a stupid question but it's one that I can't shake. I don't know if we should try a separation or not. I know that I have been questioning everything about my past with DH for almost 3 months now. I know that my counselor says that I have emotionally disconnected and that I'm just scared to make the obvious decision. I know that the only time I can really think straight is when he's not around. But I don't know if this is just a phase. I don't know if I'm just in a bad place. I don't know if I'm being held in this marriage because I'm to nice and too worried about hurting him.
> 
> Part of me wants to separate so he can have time to process what is happening. We have a lot of things we need to work out and I don't think he can make any major decisions in his state of mind. I want to try to do this is as amicable as possible but with his emotions running on overdrive how can have any type of talk that will make sense.
> 
> ...


With a name like The Destroyer I guess that's what you're going to do.

Bob


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not sure about the details of your relationship or if you are willing to work on it. It makes it difficult if you are living in different households. With that said, separation can give you time to sort things out and work though issues.

If you want the marriage to work, then I would set ground rules for the seperation. It needs to be agreed upon mutually (ground rules)...such as no dating; financial arragements; no major purchases, etc.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

My view which is from the other side of the coin is if you think there may be a chance your marriage could be saved, give your husband the option to be part of that process. When my husband announced he was leaving me, he said that he had been unhappy for some time and that as far as he was concerned it was over. Now whatever happens in the future I will always feel that I was cheated of the chance of trying to save my marriage. You say you have disconnect for whatever reason, which is fine for you, but he is obviously not at that point and I wasn't when my husband told me. If he had spoken out sooner and let me know, we could have tried, it may not have worked but at least I would have known I had given it my all. Now I just feel robbed of my past and my future.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

everantisocial,

Your situation sounds just like mine. And I feel the same way.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

everantisocial said:


> My view which is from the other side of the coin is if you think there may be a chance your marriage could be saved, give your husband the option to be part of that process. When my husband announced he was leaving me, he said that he had been unhappy for some time and that as far as he was concerned it was over. Now whatever happens in the future I will always feel that I was cheated of the chance of trying to save my marriage. You say you have disconnect for whatever reason, which is fine for you, but he is obviously not at that point and I wasn't when my husband told me. If he had spoken out sooner and let me know, we could have tried, it may not have worked but at least I would have known I had given it my all. Now I just feel robbed of my past and my future.


I really appreciate your point of view, especially since you're on the flipside. That said, I haven't really pushed him out or told him to leave me alone. I've asked that he not come at me so hard because it's just too much too fast. I told him that I would like a little time to get back to the "Love you's", hugs, and everything but he thinks that since I won't do that I'm not trying. He says he wants me to give him a commitment that I'll be here with him in X amount of time...and I told him I would give him no promises other than I'm still working on it. I haven't given up and I haven't thrown in the towel. He just wants more than I can give.

I know that because of our location our separation would mean 1000's of miles between us and I don't know if that would be helpful/hurtful. 

From day to day, everything changes. Today, he's done and doesn't see the point. I'm still confused and I'm still here trying. That's all I can do. I'm processing and working through every single thought I have. No stone will go unflipped by me. 

~The Destroyer


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