# Deleted



## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Thank you everyone!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Overripemind, if you feel like this, what EXACTLY is holding you back? Why did you "take it back" when you filed?
What has stopped you from getting out?
You may want to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" from glover (I think).
Over all this time, what have you been doing to help YOU -- working on yourself, getting in shape, doing your own hobbies, etc.?


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Thanks for the reply jlg!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You want to get the ball rolling? Tell her to kiss your ass when she starts being mean. That should help you to get off your ass and actually do something. But, if you actually wanted to do something you would have by now.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You want to get the ball rolling? Tell her to kiss your ass when she starts being mean. That should help you to get off your ass and actually do something. But, if you actually wanted to do something you would have by now.


Thank you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OverRipeMind said:


> Fair enough. I'm here because I have a terrible sense of self, no self esteem and 12 years of emotional abuse has left me feeling like all of my instincts are incorrect. So it's a clustereff....


Download load and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

It’s your life. The Calvary isn’t going to come and save you. You can talk and vent all you want and it won’t get you a thing. Only your actions count.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Download load and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.
> 
> It’s your life. The Calvary isn’t going to come and save you. You can talk and vent all you want and it won’t get you a thing. Only your actions count.


That's a great way to put it... the calvary isn't coming to save you... this is up to me. it's time to man the eff up.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OverRipeMind said:


> That's a great way to put it... the calvary isn't coming to save you... this is up to me. it's time to man the eff up.


So, get off the computer now and start doing what needs to be done to get your balls back. Otherwise, nice words, nothing else.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> So, get off the computer now and start doing what needs to be done to get your balls back. Otherwise, nice words, nothing else.


Good idea


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OverRipeMind said:


> She SAYS she'd like me to grow, but only in ways SHE wants. know what i mean?


So you've abdicated responsibility for your own life and handed it to her. You should be angry. Instead, you are fearful. Fear never gets you anything but what you currently have - inaction. Anger can be a powerful catalyst to move you out of this bad relationship. Your life. Your choice.

I was in a bad marriage. It wasn't until I get downright outraged at the behavior I was accepting from my husband that I left and filed for divorce. Fear will keep you stuck. JMO


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, how old are the children and how does your wife treat them? What sort of relationship does she have with them? What sort of relationship do you have with them?
Was your wife always like this?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OverRipeMind said:


> Thanks for the reply jlg!
> 
> Over the years, it has been pretty emotionally and verbally abusive. For instance, she has said: "If you file I will make sure the kids hate you, and I'll only have to tell them the TRUTH about you". or, recently when I confronted her about how she talks to my daughter she said the same thing.
> 
> ...


Imagine if your excuse for striking her was "only doing it when you are angry"?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, your wife hates herself, so she punishes you as a way to feel better.

The problem is that it doesn't work, and at the same time erodes respect.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

It took me 12 years of wanting to divorce to finally do it. Codependency is just awful and divorce is super scary. But when I did it, and accepted the consequences, it was like a weight off my shoulders. It's all about being scared and that's nothing to be ashamed of.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OverRipeMind said:


> That's a great way to put it... the calvary isn't coming to save you... this is up to me. it's time to man the eff up.


Words and talk are worthless, Act or stay where you are. Get this. No one cares but you really. Advice is worthless unless you apply it.

Where do you want to be on 5 years?


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

Thanks


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The big problem with the kids is you are teaching them to accept abuse. You may not realize it but kids learn most from their parents. What have you been teaching them?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OverRipeMind said:


> You guys are all correct. And I get it. It's just felt impossibly hard to shake loose. My kids are teenagers and they see how she is now. Critical, abusive... My daughter had an issue today and it was: "She is so WEAK, she's the weak link. Why are our kids like this?! every other kid manages to be ok" my daughter told me my wife said to her in the car: "do you want me to kill myself? is that what you're trying to do to me?"
> 
> so this is who she is. it's not for me anymore, i'm an adult so i can choose to stay somewhere like this. it's for my kids.


Being a martyr for the kids gets no one anything. It’s just an excuse to do nothing. You are telling your kids if faced with this kind of situation stay, be unhappy and waste their life. Why?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

So don’t make it 11.

Figure out what you want for your life, make create a plan, and execute it. Take control of your situation and start acting in your own best interest.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

OverRipeMind said:


> Wow. That long. That long torturing myself about leaving an unhappy marriage. Putting the fear of hurting others over my own happiness. Staying in an emotionally manipulative, verbally abusive marriage because I'm scared to change my life. My first post here, about THIS was in 2013. And here I am. Still here. I've filed and "taken it back", I've come close other times, I see a therapist, I am trying to do all of these things to "get out" but I ... don't.
> 
> I need clarity. I need happiness. I'm not getting any younger and life is mine for the taking.
> 
> ...


I might have written this.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OverRipeMind said:


> You guys are all correct. And I get it. It's just felt impossibly hard to shake loose. My kids are teenagers and they see how she is now. Critical, abusive... My daughter had an issue today and it was: "She is so WEAK, she's the weak link. Why are our kids like this?! every other kid manages to be ok" my daughter told me my wife said to her in the car: "do you want me to kill myself? is that what you're trying to do to me?"
> 
> so this is who she is. it's not for me anymore, i'm an adult so i can choose to stay somewhere like this. it's for my kids.


So, it is a GOOD thing that your kids see what she is like -- so your W's threat of turning the kids against you -- seriously, how likely do you think that is as a threat? Keep talking with your kids, keep close. Let THEM see that you are no longer going to tolerate her abuse. 

As for HER not cheering you on for eating right, getting in shape, stopping drinking, etc. -- SO WHAT? You are NOT doing that for HER -- it is for YOU.
You say you are co-dependent -- there is another book called co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie -- get that and read it -- i've seen many good reviews and usage of this book on this site.



OverRipeMind said:


> I'm here because I have a terrible sense of self, no self esteem and 12 years of emotional abuse has left me feeling like all of my instincts are incorrect.


So WHY a terrible sense of self and no self esteem -- is this just due to her abuse for the past 12 years, or did you have issues with that before. You can work on that -- even go to counseling to work on that. Again this is for YOU, not her.
You shouldn't have to go through the rest of your life thinking so little of yourself.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

OverRipeMind said:


> I will say, and this is the stigma that makes this hard. It's not a matter of "having balls". I have an attorney, i have filed, i have everything planned to a t... it's the fact that i feel trauma bonded and codependent and it's hard to shake. yeah, i'm a guy... abuse is abuse... so you can file it as "you have no balls" but it's not quite that simple either.


Why did you allow yourself to be in such an abusive relationship?!
Getting out is not enough, you need to fix your own problems as well!
If you continue with this mindset you are no good for any other relationships in the future!


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is still time to help your children. Instead of keeping them in an abusive home 100% of the time, divorce and let them live in an abuse free home 50% of the time. It will give them some perspective and allow them to develop tools to deal with the tools of the world (like your wife).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OverRipeMind said:


> I've "allowed" myself because I've lied to myself with plans of leaving for almost 5 of those years. Set dates, even filed twice. "This is my last Christmas here", "This is my last Thanksgiving here"... Whoops there's another.
> 
> Time is up though. I'm ready and believe it or not, this thread has really helped. Sometimes tough love is what you need. This has been a serendipitous week where more than a few people have given me the same advice. time to start work.


Proof is in actions. Not talk.


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