# 180 failed. Going dark Failed. 19 years gone is 60 days.



## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Wow...

I have heard that you really get a sense of not knowing the person you love during a separation, but I am just floored at who my soon to be ex became.

60 days is all she gave to 19 years. 60 days. No marriage counceling, no thoughts of working it out, no hug when she left 2 and a half weeks ago. 

I 180'd, I went dark, and on the 60th day after her telling me she was not in love with me (yesterday) she calls to tell me she wants to move forward with the divorce. Wow. 60 days. She wanted to wait until Saturday (the day before my birthday) to tell me in person. How nice. 

I lost it on the phone. I mean, I flat out blew up. What an absolute waste of half my life. I have no idea who this woman became, but I hate her with everything I have....

The divorce is not going to be friendly on my end... Took a walk around the empty house last night trying to inventory just what she took when she left 2 weeks ago and I noticed she cleaned out our guest room, leaving just one item hanging in the closet; her Wedding Dress.....

Good luck to all those in similar situations. '

The simple fact of the matter is, I never really knew who it was I married. But I've found out over the last 24 hours and she is not a good person.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have a misunderstanding of what the purpose of the 180 degrees rules truly is. 

The 180s purpose is not to manipulate your wife into wanting to stop the divorce and recommit to doing the hard work of marital recovery. *The 180 degrees rules are an personal empowerment tool to help you to become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life, with or without your wife.* But there is often a side effect to the successful implementation of the 180, especially in the case of cake eating spouses, and that is that when the 180 spouse starts to move on, the cake eating spouse often panics and tries to pursue and negotiate with the 180 spouse not to end the marriage. Unfortunately in your case, your wife wanted out of the marriage bad and there is no way you could have prevented that.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

You are so right!

I knew that, but my emotions got the best of me before I posted. The 180 *has* helped me some in that I refuse to let this "kill me" and hopefully it will help me move forward...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It took me almost a year before I considered my failed 2nd marriage as an opportunity to grow and become a stronger man. Not only was my divorce NOT the end of the world but the beginning of a better world where I am now living. It can be the same for you IF you open your mind.


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## BentnHurt (Jan 23, 2013)

Two weeks after being told by my wife of 20 years that it's over - I don't know if I can get to a year later. I'm hanging on one day at a time. It does help to see there are people who have found happiness again?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

BentnHurt said:


> Two weeks after being told by my wife of 20 years that it's over - I don't know if I can get to a year later. I'm hanging on one day at a time. It does help to see there are people who have found happiness again?


Husband and wife are simply titles.


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## BentnHurt (Jan 23, 2013)

M

How do you give up and move on, I'm trying the 180 just simply to try to make it through today - I continue to hold out hope for reconciliation but this hurts so much. I don't know where to go to find the strenght to go on & rebuild. My dreams are shattered


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here. 

I will never understand why some people just check out and walk away. The suddenness of her departure may be easier on you in the long run. I know that may not make sense to you right now. The sooner you except what has happened, the sooner you will begin to heal and move on. Right now time is your best friend...focus on your self. She will not be their as a constant reminder...that is actually a good thing.

My STBXWW didn't leave right away like yours. She claimed to want to R and wasted over a year of my life while she was still lying to me and cheating. During this time I was working my ass off to try to save our marriage while she did nothing. She gave me false hope and made me believe we had a chance...which was a cruel lie in itself. I believe that a long protracted false R like I experienced is torture coupled with the fact that she was still there in the house made the pain never ending. She was just using me. 

My divorce will be final next week...and she is still there. She has until May to find her own place. I wish she would have just walked away.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I'm sorry you are here.
> 
> I will never understand why some people just check out and walk away. The suddenness of her departure may be easier on you in the long run. I know that may not make sense to you right now. The sooner you except what has happened, the sooner you will begin to heal and move on. Right now time is your best friend...focus on your self. She will not be their as a constant reminder...that is actually a good thing.
> 
> ...


I had a similar experience where wife moved out one day while I was working and left me a note that she needed to "work on herself alone" which she continued to do over the next 18 months while I read marriage books, saw a IC therapist weekly, and pleaded with her to go to marriage counseling and come home. I eventually found out about her affairs during (and probably before) the separation and filed for divorce. Drawn out endings when the other spouse has already made up their mind is the only thing in this world worse than a head-turning fast divorce. 

It is good you're mad as hell, I think. It is BS to just break a commitment unilaterally. It's BS in every other aspect of society, but in marriage today it's "ok" if it will make you happy.

Be mad. Forget her. Remember the good times, one day, but now just remember how you were screwed over and focus on you and move on. It's a blessing in the long run.


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## DDGresham1 (Dec 15, 2012)

Sorry to hear this has happened to you. It was 13 years for me...2 dating and 11 married. She was hooked on drugs for years and I stuck with her. When she finally started to sober up, she dumped me. Never again. I may be in a commited relationship but marriage? No way. They can keep it.


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