# My self esteem is in the crapper.



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I just need to boo hoo for a minute. It's been a rough 24 hours. I had a very dear friend of mine say something really mean and hurtful. What I _should_ have done was called her out and been like wtf dude. What I _did_ was apologize to _her_ and now I feel like crap for two reasons.

I dunno, lately I feel like I'm a raw nerve and I'm barely hanging on to social contacts. I seriously feel like I should just shut up and take crap from my friends and family before someone else jumps ship.

Anyway, now I'm sitting here ready to cry because my friend said this stupid thing to me and I'm pretty sure she's pissed at me for this totally asinine reason. My mind goes right down the worst path possible which makes no sense-like she's blocked me on AIM and Facebook and won't take my calls.

:/ another friend has been busy and I'm convinced she hates me, too.
*sigh*


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Staircase,

Sorry you are having these issues with your social contacts. One thing is that you cannot just "take" anything people say to you. You are no one's doormat regardless of the position they hold in your life.

As far as hanging on to your social contacts, this is a time you can sit back and assess are they a "true" friend or a fair weather friend. As much as you are going through right now you don't have time to run behind friends that are super sensitive to make them feel better. If she is that reactive to a situation, it does not seem as though she is a friend who has your back. 

If she said something mean and hurtful to you and has the nerve to then block you on AIM and Facebook that is so high school she should have tried to talk to you about what happened instead of taking that approach. 

In going through all of this stuff it really put friends and family in perspective to determine who has your best interest at heart regardless....that is a true friend.

Hang in there.....don't over think and over stress about this you have enough going on in your life right now.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Thank you for reading and responding d1221!

I have a long history of being a doormat and just these past couple of months I have been working diligently to change that. One little set back though, and I'm back to  _oh no I hope they are not mad at me I have to fix this _

The thing that really sucks is this woman is someone who has been my best friend since we were 14. We are now 42. She usually means well, but I'm no match for her strong personality. When I'm feeling delicate is not the time to engage her.

heh, overthinking things is what I do best. I can mull something over for days. It's maddening.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Are you in counseling? I was a mess until someone with some skills showed me my faulty thinking. Now I'm like Mighty Mouse. Usually. 

Love yourself. You deserve it. Not because I said so. Just because you do.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I was in counseling for a while-but my therapist was a terrible fit for me. I need to find another one. I was just talking to my sister about this today. She just started seeing a therapist and it turns out we have a lot of the same self esteem issues-so I was riding on the coattails of her session 

You know, if someone said to me what I am saying to you guys I would want to punch them in the head. Gotta start loving myself more like you said, uhaul.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Atta girl. 

In a addition to counseling, I go to a Divorce Care group through a local church. One of the best things I've learned is that you have to accept yourself SINGLE first. Know that if you never found another significant other, you'd still be ok. You are completely enough by yourself. You can have a full life and be happy--you don't have to define yourself through someone else. You SHOULDNT define yourself through someone else. It's unhealthy. You+friends+your understanding of God, if you want. That's all you need. That's where we need to be before relationships can work, and yet we always come at it from the other direction: I feel inadequate. If I get a (man, woman,) THEN I'll be happy. Wrong answer.

Hugs to you. Watch a movie YOU like tonight. Not the one you would usually have to watch because HE likes it. Go to YOUR favorite restaurant. Find out what YOU like. What makes YOU happy. And then just be YOU. The love (of family, friends) will follow you. You are all you need.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My big f-you to my stbx is letting the dog sleep in the bed. We are both a lot happier and stbx would vomit blood if he knew (it's a pretty expensive tempurpedic thing).

I'm not sure why I feel I need to be validated by my friends and family. I'm getting better at saying "no" which was the BIGGEST hurdle for me.

Need to get used to being single. I'm a serial monogamist. I haven't been single for any length of time since I can't even remember when.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

My dog has never left the toilet seat up.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My dog has never said "you're crazy just like your mother"


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I totally understand this. I also am someone who always tries hard to please others and accommodate them, to the extent that I ignore my own needs. I feel something disturbingly close to terror if I think someone is angry or unhappy with me - even if that person is only a mere acquaintance.

My therapist is helping me to look at the underlying issues that may influence this behavior. I work on trying to "steer my wheels out of the rut". I pause when I find myself trying to please and accommodate someone, which is my automatic "default" reaction to just about any situation, and try to wake up to what I am doing in order to make a more conscious decision.

It's hard work, but lately I have been able to surprise myself and other people by voicing my true opinion - even if it is simply saying "No" or "I don't like that". I am beginning to feel better about myself as I fight my default mechanism of trying to please everyone.

Last year I ended a friendship with someone I've known for years. She was really crossing the line with her anger and bad temper, and I finally had enough and told her I was done. It hurt to end the relationship, and it was surprisingly scary, but it was also quite liberating, and I came out of it feeling stronger.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Everytime you do something like that, you will get stronger. 

You count, too. I have just had this 2 week long "situation" with my stbx and my oldest about a vacation. He is working the kids to make them think they can't stay longer because I said they have to come back. Not so. I want him to trade me the 2 days for 2 days during the school year. He is unwilling to budge (as usual.) But a year ago, I would have caved, and he would have gotten everything he wanted without giving me anything he didn't want to give up. Not now. And he's such a controlling, narcissictic (sp?) sphincter, he can't STAND it when I don't give him his way. OMgosh. But you will learn that when you are not used to standing up for yourself, and you start to do it, it feels so damn good. At first you feel guilty, like, I shouldn't be telling him no. But look at that: Why the hell not? Does he tell you no? All the time. Does he (or whoever.. your friend, for example,) care how you think, what you feel? Apparently not. 

YOU COUNT. so there.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Stair,
when all this happened to me from the act of the ex driving off into the sunset, to rhe pending charges all my friends have dropped off the map. Even had a couple who i've known for years tell me in a drunken rage i was a pu**y and needed to man up. Yea they were on my FB until sunday night when I dumped them and returned the insults by clearly telling them a drunk will always tell you the truth when under the influance. So be it I don't need them id thats how its going to be. they dont know me or know how I feel or will be feeling from day to day.

Like I said to him "go pi** up a rope"


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

UPDATE: friend has not contacted me at all. She must have blocked me on AIM because I can't see her and she LIVES on it.

I should be furious with HER but I'm still pretty upset like I disappointed my parents.

Now this catastrophic thing happened at work and we're trying to figure out where the issue started. Basically someone is going to lose their job over an administrative thing and I'm helpless to stop it. I tell you that because I feel like that's my fault as well and it's most certainly NOT.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

We are none of us perfect. When you know you caused something to be guilty for, and you feel guilt, that's being accountable. But owning problems that you know you didn't create helps no one, except maybe anyone who is looking for a scapegoat. Take those rocks out of your backpack. They aren't yours to carry.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

sorry about your friend. sucks to feel rejected, even by a drama queen. There are loads of lower-drama folks out there that will welcome your friendship, and you won't have to change who you are to give it. Hang in.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Staircase, I'm sorry you had a bad day. (((staircase)))


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