# Step-Children affecting marriage



## MovingOn19 (Oct 26, 2020)

Hi Everyone…I’m really hoping someone has some words of wisdom that can help my husband and I in our current situation.

My now husband and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years and just got married in October. Together we have 5 children, 4 of them live us - 13(F), 15(M), 16(M) and 17(F).

I think I was naive in thinking that we weren’t really going to encounter any issues when we brought our two families together because we had spent much time together in the years leading up to our marriage. But what I hadn’t factored in was us owning a home together and what each of our expectations were for maintaining the home (and what role the kids would play in that).

We agreed early on that the kids would have their weekly chores and the chores would rotate (think chore wheel).

The issue…it’s become very apparent that his kids have no regard for anything that is asked of them. We tell all the kids each week what chores they are responsible for (with the expectation be that it be done the same day). And for context…we’re not talking hours and hours of chores. Each chore would take maybe 15 min.

In the three months we’ve been trying to implement this….I can honestly say his kids have actually fallen through all of once.

The way my husband handles it is by doing the chores himself…getting angrier the whole time. And then he’s in a pissy mood for days, which I get the delight of being subject to. But what I can’t understand is that his kids have zero repercussions. Not for not doing their chores, not for not going to school or skipping shifts at work. What’s worse is he does everything they ask of him. If they need a ride to work, to their friends house, money for food. Everything. This man does not know how to say “no” (and he readily admits it).

It got so bad last night that I actually told my step-son just how upset his dad was (because husband said nothing to him)….and he was completely clueless as to why he might be upset. We normally don’t interfere with each other’s kids..but I couldn’t stand the thought of him continuing to be so disrespected.

So…help? How can I start to change the situation without becoming the evil step-mother. Does anyone know of any techniques to get through to kids without having them hate me?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Unfortunately, your H is the problem here. Not sticking to the schedule that all the kids have to follow, and giving them NO repercussions for ignoring this stuff, not good. If HE starts getting pissy at you about this (that HE has to do their work for them), just flat out tell him that this is NOT your problem and he is the only one that can fix it. You are not there to be his personal whipping post.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

Sounds like a household meeting is needed. It's very important to allow for open and honest communication with the people who share your home with you. You said yourself you guys didn't foresee any issues so there was no plans in place or expectations set. When you tried to implement a plan for an issue it was not respected and there was no meeting called again to address things as a unit. 
I don't know how familiar you are with the adolescent mind or how much of your own time with a teen brain you can recall, but I'm going to get to the basics in case it's needed- teenagers are biological and psychologically wired to push and pull against everything. A rebel without a cause and any cause will do. They are hypersensitive about all things them- if you want A they'll maybe give you Z. They are hormonal and insecure and they compensate in various ways. With that being said here's my advice: 1. Family meetings are needed. You are a family now. All of the people who live there deserve respect and it starts with you and your husband as the adults. If you have been disrespectful to anyone you need to own it and apologize. Demonstrate the way you expect to be treated by how you treat others. Figure out what time is good for everyone and set the first meeting. 
Everyone has their time to talk about anything they feel needs addressed and you make it known ahead of time that this is a good thing and a way to get on the right track and become more aware of everyone's needs. You have to repair what has been driving the loss of respect for each other and the house you all depend on before you can expect that lists are going to be followed. 
2. The bottom line for chores is everyone cleans up after themselves and their space. No one is asked to clean up after anyone else. If you use the toilet, wipe it down after and then it's always clean. The same thing with sink. A quick wipe after use and it's done. Wash the dish you use. Etc. These things take seconds and they are fair. 
3. You are equally responsible for the family you guys chose to create by getting married. Parent them all together and be lenient and hands off with the kids wherever you can so they feel respected and trusted. 
Divorce is hard on kids and it seems like dad is feeling a little guilty. Family and individual therapy could be helpful in working out those unconscious resentments and regrets. 
Best wishes 😃


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Blended families are very challenging.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If the family meeting doesn't work and he still doesn't follow through, you need to take him into marriage counseling for parenting so that you could get on the same page.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

I have lived through this for almost 2 decades and literally tried everything I could think of. Other people are absolutely correct..the problem is your H..and if he doesn't start making the necessary changes then I warn you that you will be in for a life of complete and utter misery. YOU have zero power or influence on his kids so do not waste your time or energy. The only person who can change their behavior is your H. I can tell you that the seed of poison has been planted and if you and H cant be a united front or on the same page..it will grow into a huge toxic jungle full if anger, resentment and sadness. Good luck and act quickly...kids get used to a certain way of life and it will only get harder and harder to turn around everyday that goes by where they are allowed to behave this way.


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