# Crush on employee



## JoeJoe7 (Sep 28, 2021)

I’m in my mid 30s, married for 10 years and have two children. For the past year, I have been fighting a crush on an employee I supervise. I am not interested in having an affair. I am not seeking social approval to end my marriage. I wish to stay married but would like some help.

I work in a difficult field that involves close relationships with the employees I supervise. It’s not a traditional work environment and involves shift work and very high stress. Traditional office rules don’t apply to my situation (for what that’s worth, not justifying anything).

The employee I have a crush on is much younger. I’m realistic enough to understand she’s not the perfect person for me (even if she was I’m devoted to my marriage). Much of my infatuation is a fantasy world I’ve made up in my head. I see what I want to see and not what’s real.

I started seeing a therapist several months ago to try to free myself from what feels like a prison. This has lead to marriage counseling that’s been difficult and we’ve yet to make much progress. Our counselor recently agreed to try a different approach. I don’t believe I have crossed any boundaries (neither does my therapist/counselor) and I’ve been honest with my wife about attraction outside marriage. I understand distance will help but I’m not in control of who I supervise. I am also devoted to my team (the others that is) so it’s not so easy as transferring to a different office.

I’ve tried to break the attraction but it’s not working. I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress. One step forward and one step back sort of thing. I often slip and send the “friendly” text. I’m terrified of being the “creepy” boss and I feel my relationship doesn’t appear closer to her as the others I supervise. I could of course be delusional on this…It doesn’t help my crush and I have several common interests and are both devoted to work.

I’m posting here to see if there is any rock unturned someone can help me with. It’s like my mind has a virus. An affair would destroy literally everything in my personal and professional life. I’m normally very grounded and make good decisions, so this is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever personally wrestled with. Im not looking to make excuses and realize I have allowed this to grow. If I can shake this I feel I can fight off (or better fight off) future temptations before they get this bad. 

Thanks for any advice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Work out until you literally puke and go home to the family you have helped build and who love you even when you get sick.😊


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I don’t think there’s a good ending to this story that allows bot you and your crush to work together. Or even see each other. If you value your marriage, you’ll make this happen.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

In this situation, not working together could be even worse for you, given the level of obsession. (Yes this is bordering on stalking behaviour, given the sheer level of fantasy), but you are aware and have taken all the right steps to get help, so this is wonderful). You very very much stand to lose an awful lot. 

So social media and smartphones make things worse in a situation like this. When you’re apart and not in physical proximity the absence, withdrawal etc, combined with the click of a finger, can be even more dangerous. Your head will be filling the gaps in even more. Before you know it, you’ll be so deep in text messages and you’ll build this up to a bomb.

And unless this female blocks you and also takes proper steps to make you know she doesn’t want to be harassed at work (do you see where I’m going), or outside people intervene… you may just keep going. I’m serious when I say a best-case scenario would be something like this. A rock-bottom episode. 

So, is there anyway, you can start to focus on her negatives in real time? So start by eliminating all contact via text/social media, and really tune into the little things that would annoy you in a person in your day-to-day interactions. That’s right, focus on her as a human. The way she eats, maybe something mundane like this?


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

In spite of the intensity of the emotions, try to slow down and work through your attraction logically. If you feel yourself really falling for your employee, view it as an opportunity - to enrich your marriage and learn about yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You are the only one who can control what you do. And what you need to do is not communicate with her at all unless it is strictly about a specific business matter. Don't act like you're helpless. This is all within your control and only your control.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Part of being an adult is controlling your emotions. You can be attracted to another woman and that's fine, it happens. What you need to do is exercise some self control and stop with those "friendly" texts. You aren't being friendly, you are being pathetic. You're a married man, do better. This isn't rocket science.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How much longer will you be supervising her? Is there a job within your field that you could do that would not involve supervising anyone? Is your wife ok with you working with her daily being that you say she knows about your serious crush?
As for the fantasies, we can actually control what we think about. Every time you think about her, switch your thoughts onto all that you are blessed to have and all that you will loose if this all blows up. Honestly its just not worth it.


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## JoeJoe7 (Sep 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You are the only one who can control what you do. And what you need to do is not communicate with her at all unless it is strictly about a specific business matter. Don't act like you're helpless. This is all within your control and only your control.


Thank you for the response. I am accountable for my actions and decisions and am clearly failing here. I am not helpless. But my brain does not operate in ones and zeros.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You may have ALREADY damaged your marriage :


JoeJoe7 said:


> . I don’t believe I have crossed any boundaries (neither does my therapist/counselor) and I’ve been honest with my wife about attraction outside marriage.


What does your WIFE have to say about this? Your therapist may be ok with it, but WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?
What if SHE was doing this to you? How do you think you'd feel. Turn this whole thing around and stop thinking about the younger woman -- think about your wife's feelings and hurt in all of this. if you keep this up you will drive HER to cheat.
Realize that this woman is the "image" you see of her. You really don't know her, know how her life with you would be, etc.. You are in a fog.

One other thing to consider (and REALLY think about this ) -- you are the supervisor, she could bring you up on sexual harassment charges with ANYTHING you do outside of work -- flirty texts -- you realize she has PROOF now?
Your career is in REAL jeopardy here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Get a new job.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

JoeJoe7 said:


> I understand distance will help but I’m not in control of who I supervise. *I am also devoted to my team (the others that is) so it’s not so easy as transferring to a different office.*


Yes it is. Get transferred elsewhere or get a new job. It IS that simple. Are you more devoted to your work colleagues or your wife and children?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JoeJoe7 said:


> I’m posting here to see if there is any rock unturned someone can help me with. It’s like my mind has a virus. An affair would destroy literally everything in my personal and professional life. I’m normally very grounded and make good decisions, so this is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever personally wrestled with. Im not looking to make excuses and realize I have allowed this to grow. If I can shake this I feel I can fight off (or better fight off) future temptations before they get this bad.
> 
> Thanks for any advice.


You're going to counseling for this and so I'm wondering what guidance they have provided?

I don't know what to suggest in terms of your mental processes in order to refocus your fantasy thoughts. However, although I do agree about keeping strictly professional boundaries, I'm going against the grain to some others about leaving your work because of this. The reason being is that you acknowledge it is all in your head in terms of creating some fantasy world that she becomes part of. Therefore, what happens when you again encounter someone - another colleague - whereby you start this cycle of mental fantasy again? That's where it's above my pay-grade. I would be more inclined to look at yourself and wonder what this form of escapism means and figure out how you to navigate and redirect that; likely through understanding where it's stemming from, how it is establishing roots to grow in your mind. That leads me back to my original question.


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## 2021struggles (Sep 26, 2021)

JoeJoe7 said:


> I’m in my mid 30s, married for 10 years and have two children. For the past year, I have been fighting a crush on an employee I supervise. I am not interested in having an affair. I am not seeking social approval to end my marriage. I wish to stay married but would like some help.
> 
> I work in a difficult field that involves close relationships with the employees I supervise. It’s not a traditional work environment and involves shift work and very high stress. Traditional office rules don’t apply to my situation (for what that’s worth, not justifying anything).
> 
> ...


Is this truly a one sided crush or does the employee flirt/tempt you? Not that it’s her fault if she’s reciprocating, I’m just asking for clarity because you ended with something about future temptations. If she is flirting back and you’re feeling like you have an opportunity to cheat, whether you’ve committed to remaining faithful or not, you’re already in a bad place, friend.

Or is this a complete one sided crush that no one knows about except for you and the mrs.? You said you didn’t want to be the creepy boss also so I’m not sure what’s going on exactly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of the special powers humans have is that we can control what we think about.

You cannot control the immediate reaction, but you can pull back, think about it, and then change your thoughts. You are in control of this. The only reason this infatuation continues is that you nurture it. Anytime you have a thought of her, stop and think about something else. This infatuation is poison to you, your wife, and your children... your entire family. So when you start contemplating the infatuation, stop it, and think about:

the harm you are causing to your wife & family. 
what's it's going to be like when she reports your stalking and inappropriate behavior to HR and you are out of a job.
the divorce that you are heading towards at breakneck speed
You say that this is a fantasy. You are right, you are not infatuated with the actual woman. You are infatuated with some fake mental image you are created and put on her. Maker her real. Stop putting this fantasy on her. What are her faults? 

Realize that this is you abusing this woman. I doubt that this woman wants to be your fantasy. Do you have sexual fantasies about this woman? How do you think she would react if she knew you were putting her in this situation? Recoil at that fact you are becoming a creep stalker. Do you really want to be an abusive person? Is this really who you want to become?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

There are some ladies, and gents for that matter, who thrive on attention, is she one of those? Think about it, does she flirt but then pull back or change the subject? They are expert manipulators, used to getting the attention they crave. If she fits this MO, recognise it for what it is, USING. 

It's a purely selfish act that has nothing to do with you. Now, if she is just being a nice person, you need to look at yourself and figure out why you have created this fantasy, what are you missing in your life that makes you want to yearn for more? 

A few suggestions, marriage has become hum drum, you have just hit midlife and are wanting to prove you still have it. Wife not providing for your emotional needs? You have early life issues that make infatuations like these a regular occurance. 

All things you can explore with your therapist. Its good that you are savvy enough to recognise that it's all a fantasy, but that doesn't stop it having a real impact on your emotional well being. 

I would suggest you attempt a 2 week 0 contact period by taking some leave. I wish you luck


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## Noneofyourdamnbizz (Sep 16, 2021)

I’m being realistic here
I think you are going to have a affair. Your literally on a thin thread line.
If that girl you have a crush on were to jump on you right this second , you would love that.
When you do have the affair just remember this …your marriage is done, I hope your wife finds out and divorces you. And I don’t believe what you said above about telling your wife there’s an attraction outside your marriage ? What normal women is okay with this ? If that’s the case you both are weird

Change damn jobs, Are you that stupid ?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say in your words 'I have been honest with my wife about attraction outside marriage'. 
Now initially I took that to mean your wife knows about this woman and your fantasies about her, but having thought about it I wonder if you mean your wife is generally aware that you are attracted to other women buy has no idea about this particular one. 
So, does she know about this specific fantasy/obsession with this ow?That you are with her daily and are sending messages to her?

I also strongly disagree with your counselor when they say you haven't crossed a line. 
Have you heard the saying 'where the mind goes the man follows?'. Mentally you have gone way over the line and I guess you are feeding this fantasy daily by your thoughts of her.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Read this and take appropriate actions: How to get rid of limerence

@Luckylucky is on the mark here:


Luckylucky said:


> So, is there anyway, you can start to focus on her negatives in real time? So start by eliminating all contact via text/social media, and really tune into the little things that would annoy you in a person in your day-to-day interactions. That’s right, focus on her as a human. The way she eats, maybe something mundane like this?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

JoeJoe7

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - read it at least twice.

Only interact with your fantasy paramour when necessary and keep the conversation strictly business.

When your mind wanders into fantasy-land - immediately take a walk or start another task that takes concentration.
You can train yourself (mind) - to "not go there."

BTDT - and you are being (at least a bit) 

CREEPY


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

In my opinion you need to stop with the excuses.

You have no control on what you think about? 

Yes thoughts pop into our mind but we have the power to think of something else and more importantly the power to not act on a thought we have.

This comes down to having strong boundaries and integrity. Ok so you like this girl. She's attractive, you enjoy talking to her, etc etc, there's always going to be women that will come into your life that will stir these same things up in you, man the F up and show some restraint. You're not some high school kid who's in puppy love or are you??

Actions have consequences. You want to blow up your marriage over this go ahead and be a fool. It isn't worth it. You're smart enough to NOT touch a hot stove so you're smart enough to know the consequences of this girl.

You're going to have to learn to deal with these emotions at some point (because again there's always going to be other women) so getting another job or transferring away from this woman isn't your solution. 

You want a consequence? Go tell your wife everything you stated in your first post. Sounds like you mentioned being "attracted" to other women in therapy but left it at that. Go TELL your wife what's really going on and let's see how she reacts. Maybe it's enough that she doesn't trust you anymore? She leaves you? Basically you having to suffer a consequence that will change your life and then let's see if you continue living in fantasy land. 

Better yet act on it with this woman and get sued for sexual harassment.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

In the short term make a list of all the ways your life would be F'd up if you cheated. I will start it for you: 

1. It's immoral
2. Your wife will hate you
3. Your kids will hate you
4. You could get sued for harassment 
5. You could get fired 

Now polish your resume & get out of that job. Distance is your friend here. You are already on a slippery slope & sinking fast. Save yourself.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

JoeJoe7 said:


> I’m in my mid 30s, married for 10 years and have two children. For the past year, I have been fighting a crush on an employee I supervise. I am not interested in having an affair. I am not seeking social approval to end my marriage. I wish to stay married but would like some help.
> 
> I work in a difficult field that involves close relationships with the employees I supervise. It’s not a traditional work environment and involves shift work and very high stress. Traditional office rules don’t apply to my situation (for what that’s worth, not justifying anything).
> 
> ...


We need to fantasize when our reality is dull; this helps us go on living. You say you are devoted to your marriage but nowhere you say that you love your wife. How are things with her? Are you doing exciting things together? Do you go on dates or weekend getaways without your children? How is your sexual life? How about activities with your kids? Are you involved in their lives? Do you go with them to their sport practices and games? I don't know what work you have done with the counselor, but it is futile to focus on controlling your fantasies if your marriage is dull or unhappy. You are being pragmatic in your devotion to your family, but your mind is refusing to cooperate. That's because something is lacking in your marriage. Work on reviving your marriage, your family life, and the romance with your wife, then the fantasies will disappear on their own. Just my humble opinion.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had a major crush on a female colleague at a former workplace. I knew her for many years. Very pretty face, engaging, friendly personality and a body that hit every one of my male desires. 

In short, she was female perfection.

And what did I do about this crush? *Not a damn thing. EVER.*


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sooooo….. a lot of folks here are jumping on you pretty damn quick - and you haven’t done anything wrong yet.

Imma go against the grain here.

first of all, GOOD JOB looking for help BEFORE you’ve done something horribly destructive. Read the stories here. Most people come here once the horrible behavior has already happened.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say most betrayed spouses (if not all of them) wish their spouse would have reached out and got help BEFORE they ruined everything.

having a crush is not wrong. It is human. It happens to me. I love my wife. There is no way I would hurt her or my kids by having an affair. That doesn’t mean that temptation isn’t hard to deal with. Typically, I physically run away from women that I could see potentially being a problem. Out of sight. Out of mind. I always think this is the best policy. I don’t like fighting temptation so I remove myself from it.

sounds like you aren’t going to do that, though. Now you gotta get creative.

No communication unless it is work related. Do not text her. Do not follow her on social media. Do not friend her on social media. There is absolutely no reason for you to speak with her outside of work related issues. Stop talking to her about shared common interests. Do not ask her about her life outside of work. Do not share what is going on in your life outside of work. Do not go to a “work” lunch with her.

secondly, rekindle the reasons why you love your wife. Take a vacation, just you and her. Do some things for her that you know she likes. Get your wife to put some serious attention on you (the good kind). Enjoy the company of your wife. Put yourself in a situation where you wife can get you to forget about the fantasy that is going on in your head.


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## TomJohnson (Nov 13, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You say in your words 'I have been honest with my wife about attraction outside marriage'.
> Now initially I took that to mean your wife knows about this woman and your fantasies about her, but having thought about it I wonder if you mean your wife is generally aware that you are attracted to other women buy has no idea about this particular one.
> So, does she know about this specific fantasy/obsession with this ow?That you are with her daily and are sending messages to her?
> 
> ...


=

I don't agree with others that collectively humans have absolute control over our emotions. We are all animals albeit highly refined. Sometimes our ability to control our feelings is difficult. I am not in any way justifying cheating or making light of what YOU ALLOWED to happen. I am just not going to sit her and judge you...At least for now. 

Diana7 raises a valid question and one that needs exploration. IE does your wife know about THIS women. I mean I am attracted to/ have crushes on many women right now. Some I see in the supermarket, others (more than one) who I work with. Being around attractive people is a huge source of energy and excitement. However, I think what you are describing is much more. Please comment if you have discussed this women and if she would be cool with everything you told your individual councilor and that which you posted here.

I think you should also be forthcoming about your coworker. Are your feelings for her known to her? Has she led you to believe she is yours for the taking AND that she accepts the age difference. And please just because she is "much younger" and "you would never" type insinuations on your part, don't think that this means anything. I have seen many seemingly sane men leave their wives for much younger women. I think there is a mountain of self-deception you are engaged in. 

I also agree with Dianna7 that you HAVE crossed a line. What you describe is likely an emotional affair. At least for you. 

When you say "If I can shake this I feel I can fight off (or better fight off) future temptations before they get this bad" you are more or less admitting to the intensity of the temptation. 
Also, the statement you seems to smell of you justifying staying around VS getting out. Are you telling yourself you are in a "training exercise" to become a better man that will be better able to better resist temptation in the future...and thereby be a better husband. I think when evaluating the honesty of this one ask yourself if you would tell this to your wife? 



I also think "you are devoted to the team" is bs. Your allegiance should be to your wife. Those people are coworkers that should in your mind NOT be so important. If you are that indespensible than you should be able to get another job or transfer. It would not be all that strange or evil for you to get some kind of energy from having this women around you.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

My approach would be to engineer your life or the team structure in such a way as to remove involvement with her while you work on moving onto some other obsession. Perhaps the team could do what we do which is make an Agile self supporting team structure. They would then be expected to drive themselves and only contact you when escalations/blockers occurred. Or delegate the responsibility for part of this leadership task to someone who might be interested in experiencing a coordination role. Then perhaps look for another project. Step back from work a bit too and look for work/life balance.

Another idea would be to ask your boss about the possibility of other roles for you or see if the target of the crush might be interested in working in another area of the business. However, if you're ultimately going to be unhappily married perhaps you should be looking for your drivers to subconsciously be SO attracted to a colleague. If you're going to get divorced one day anyway maybe you should just say WTF and live a little. Doing so would likely lead to the immediate end of your illusions.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there are TWO obvious problems here.
1) you are married, do you really want to roll those dice?
and
2) assuming you are here in the usa, there are serious workplace sexual harassment laws that can RUIN your career. if your employee feels threatened by your attention, they can file a complaint. If your employee initially encourages you, but then changes their mind, they can STILL file a complaint. If you have an affair with this employee, and after months decide to break it off, guess who you will see EVERY DAY to remind you of the affair, and who might STILL file a harassment complaint?

If i were you, and could not get this person off of my mind, i would see if i could get her transferred to another supervisor. Maybe have it done innocuously during other office reorganization activity.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

btw, i get it. work can be TEDIOUSLY boring, and some sexual tension at work can make going to work a whole lot of fun! but, jeez, it is just too risky!


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