# Do not know where i stand i guess....



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I am very confused with my significant other... I messed up really bad 3-4 weeks ago. So bad did i mess up i went to get help for alcohol. I have stopped drinking 22 days ago and the help is great should have done it long ago but better late then never right?
Well, when i messed up she left me with our 2 lilttle girls. After a week and she seen i had went for help she came home. I have now stopped totally drinking and am done for good no more of it. My temper has gone down tremendously, attitude, feelings, emotions all have come down from the last 6 years. 
I am finally over my insecurity of this other guy that my wife cheated on me 5 years ago with and even though he came around in july, i started to not trust her and what not cause she lied to my face about the incident. But i see differently now and am over it.
With this all said, here is where i am confused... I know i messed up and it will take time for things to get better, believe me i understand this now..... But what is killing me is I do not know where i stand with her. She hardly will talk to me about us, which makes me feel either 
A.things are better then i think which is why she is always like what do you want to talk about now and when i say us she 
gets kinda mad at me. 
B. She doesnt know herself and she is seeing if i really do stop my B.S. and then see if things will work out.
What has happened is this, i saw an email her friend sent her saying something that is boggling my mind. The email stated 
" the other night you had said even though you do not love him, which both me and you know is not true cause you would have left him a long time ago. Right now he is a drunken mad man, you need the man that you fell in love with and married back not the drunk he has become. Since he is getting help is a very good thing shows he finally knows he needs it which will help him get back to his old self the guy you married and need."
Well, i know if she did say she does not even love me it was because the fight we got into and i know she told her friend this the day after so she was totally ticked off at me.
But when i confronted her about this, i did not tell her i saw the email. I tried to use the same words she used, i said to her "do you even love me", would you say something about me or us that you might not have meant to say but since you were ticked you might have said it out of anger? she said yes. But when she answered me about the love question, she used the same words her friend used in the email, "if i did not love you i would have left along time ago but i am back right? So then i said well i feel horrible about my drinking and want to become the guy you once loved and married you need him back and not the drunk. She said exactly. 
But when i try to talk about us she gets mad and doesnt want to talk to me and it kills me. Communication is to be the number 1 reason for a relationship to work but yet it is like pulling teeth with her. I feel like the old saying goes "it is easier to keep her then to leave her" except its easier to keep me then to leave me".
When i had asked her if she is sure she wants to be with me, if she wants this to end, she said no but seemed like she wanted to say something cause she kinda had a little watery eye. 
The thing about her is she is not very affectionate, caring, romantic, nor sexual. I asked her if i change or am being nice if she will as well she says yes but yet i see nothing. I always have to say i love you, hug her, kiss on the lips, cuddle. She will use me for things like getting her a snack, clean up, take the garbage out, put the food away, get her a beverage, fold clothes stuff like that but i get nothing. She says all i care about is sex, i love it but that is cause it is so rare to happen. since the fight we still have not had make up sex. i know it will take time but Damn you think she would start to open up by now since it almost is 4 weeks.
I know she is worried that i will relapse or go back if she lets her guard down but i know this is my last chance with her and i wont mess it up cause i do not want us to get a divorce.
I asked her to go out to a nice dinner this past saturday she said i do not know, i asked to go out to a club she said no. I said okay then but dont say i do not want to do things. But yet her friend texted her asking for them to go out in the city soon. I kinda got mad cause she wont do anything with me but she will go run with her friend to the club, so if she says she is i will say good cause me and a buddy the next night are going to a strip club..... lol
I kinda feel like she is waiting for me to figure out this is not gonna work or is gonna take a long time but without her saying anything i feel insecure and dont want to annoy her or get up her butt. 
I think it sucks cause she says she loves me but doesnt show it, which makes me say to her your actions do not show me what you are telling me. she is not a morning person neither which is fine but i do not get a good morning or a good morning kiss, nor a good night or goodnight kiss. i have to say or do that.... What is anyones take on this????? What can i do to make her go WOW????
I know we need marriage counselling but i am seeing a pysch now and want to finish that first.........


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Also, i know she is depressed, stressed out and does not need anymore to pile on her, she is unemployed she lost her job and is on unemployment which is enough stress as is but i am trying to relieve this stress and depression by changing me to a better person for her. I just feel as if i lost her or she doesnt know if things will work or she made her mind up a long time ago and is waiting for me to realize its over... please help


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Listen, you have no right snooping in her emails. This is just another breach of trust on an already shakey foundation. 

Secondly, you've only got 22 days of sobriety under your belt. You have a long way to go before you can claim to be over anything. What you don't know is that at some point in getting sober you're going to be awash in feelings you had forgotten you had and when that happens, you'll feel like drinking again. That's when you're going to be tested. And you will have other tests over time. So don't declare that you're over things when you're not in a position to know. 

Deal with your sobriety first and foremost and let her deal with her feelings for you on her own. 

Watch what she does, not what she says. That's going to be the key.

You're going to have to be patient with her and not expect her to trust you or fall back in love with you overnight. It will take a long time for her to recover. And you're gonig to have to accept that your recovery is going to take a long time, too. You can't rush any of this stuff. So you're going to have to get ahold of your insecurity and just do the right thing. Do what is right regardless of where you stand and you have the best chances of success.

As for getting her to go wow -- baby steps. Work on your sobriety. I don't know what kind of program you are in or if you get individual counseling but since often an underlying and undiagnosed issue is a factor in your drinking, you may want to look into figuring out that part and getting help (therapy, meds) in that area, too.

Dress neatly. Look good. Smell good. Do what you say you'll do. And let things progress at their own pace.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I read something about women when they are upset believe only a 1/4 of what they say and half of what they do.. Not sure thats true or not but I do think there is some validity to it..


----------



## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

dobo said:


> Listen, you have no right snooping in her emails. This is just another breach of trust on an already shakey foundation.
> 
> Secondly, you've only got 22 days of sobriety under your belt. You have a long way to go before you can claim to be over anything. What you don't know is that at some point in getting sober you're going to be awash in feelings you had forgotten you had and when that happens, you'll feel like drinking again. That's when you're going to be tested. And you will have other tests over time. So don't declare that you're over things when you're not in a position to know.
> 
> ...


----------



## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

> The thing about her is she is not very affectionate, caring, romantic, nor sexual.


Exactly what my H used to say about me and I STILL fall into that mindset very easily - its not that I WANT to - we are just wired so differently...

But his giving me space is what wins me every time.... if he gives me TOO much space, It makes me REALLY want him... 

I know.

It makes no sense - but then for some reason we are not supposed to make sense, right?!

Otherwise we would no longer be the frustrating, fascinating, sensual creatures we are for you guys.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think it makes sense -- some people need to chase or to have the opportunity to miss something before they're interested. The key is knowing how your partner is and creating the correct environment that brings out the behavior you want to see.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well I can see that but when your on the receiving end of being left you think you need to pull closer. It is very funny how we react.. Since I never been on the side that wants out I don't know that feeling.. I don't know if I ever would be on that side.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're right -- you want to hold tighter because you're afraid of the distance. It is counter-intuitive, really. But that's also because we're thinking more about what we need/want than what the other person needs/wants.


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

wow guys never thought of it that way.... I think you are right, if i give her the space she will become curious to why i am not up her butt anymore lol. I really want to make things right not just assume there all better and then not to far down the road it falls apart.

I am not trying to rush things it just feels as if i have let someone else handle the wheel to the car for a long time, though i was there i was not in control..... Now i feel as if i have awaken from a nightmare i could not wake up from... I cannot believe the damage i did but yet i did it... i feel as if nothing ever happened and i cannot understand why they things have to be like this. 

See she does not understand what i am going through she has never had an addiction!!!! I asked her to look it up on google.com, well still waiting for her to do so but to me anyone that cares or loves someone would have looked into by now... She asked me last friday why i was crabby and i said its not that i am crabby, i do not know what is wrong with me. but i knew what it was it was the alcohol craving..... after a bit i figured it out and told her she was like oh. i said well look into it you have a laptop your always on.. but since she has not, this is what i mean by her actions do not do more then her words say....


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She may know more about it than you think since she's been living with it. Don't make your sobriety about how much she cares. And don't judge what she's doing or not doing right now. She's got a lot of anger and hurt to deal with. She has to heal her wounds and isn't responsible for yours. Your job is to heal yourself.


----------

