# What do you guys do?



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

How do you guys manage sharing chores and cooking with your wife? Do you split it evenly or do you guys find yourselves following the more traditional roles, like the wife does more of the cooking and cleaning while you handle the more “masculine” responsibilities. 

Do you find that which chores you do have an impact on your relationship? I’ve read that couples who follow traditional roles usually end up having more sex. 

I’m asking because lately my wife and I have been arguing about it lately. I’m working full time after being between jobs for a few months and she’s currently a student who’s had a long break between semesters. 
For the last few weeks I’ve convinced her to do most of the cleaning because I’m out of the house for 10 hours a day minimum and she’s at home, but she wants me to do all of the cooking. We live in a small apartment less than 1 thousand sqft, so there’s very little to clean besides the bunny cage (which I was completely against getting). 
Even though she’s not working we share the expenses because she has money that she got from her parents. So, her argument is that even though I get very tired from work everyday and she’s at home it shouldn’t count it as a factor in housework since my job is not anything that I’m doing for her. It really makes me feel like she’s my roommate instead of wife who I was hoping could do a little more for me since she has the opportunity. She knows I love her cooking and she used to do it more often but I think she’s cooked maybe 3 meals in the last 4 months. 
Another thing that really annoyed me a month ago was that when I cooked I would always clean up but she said if I want her to cook I have to clean everything afterwards or else she won’t do it. The meals that I cooked were definitely more simple than what she makes, so there’s less work, but she was basically making it a requirement for me to clean after her and not the other way around. 

Anyway, this situation has been pretty frustrating for me and to be honest I’m not even sure what’s fair for each of us to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How were the chores divided when you were off work?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

phoenix_ said:


> How do you guys manage sharing chores and cooking with your wife? Do you split it evenly or do you guys find yourselves following the more traditional roles, like the wife does more of the cooking and cleaning while you handle the more “masculine” responsibilities.
> 
> Do you find that which chores you do have an impact on your relationship? I’ve read that couples who follow traditional roles usually end up having more sex.
> 
> ...


First of all I think you are referring to NY times article that came out earlier this year about the traditional roles. You have to realize that statistics do not map back to individual behaviors and correlation does not equal causation. What I mean is, housework does not necessarily make your wife want you, but it might mean that men broker more aggressively and successfully for sex in a relationship where they are significantly dominant. 

Congratulations on finding a strong women. Unless you want buy into the crap on the manosphere, and destroy your marriage in the process, you are going to have to do your part, but you can do it in a manly way. :smthumbup: 

Unless you expect to have money to live from her parents forever that covers everything you might want and into retirement, she must realize that you working is building a future for the both of you. If she does not, that is a major problem in life outlook, or she is just being selfish. This is pretty serious. If she can't get on board with the sacrifice you are making, it makes me wonder what she thinks a marriage is.

It sounds like the heart of the argument is that her bringing money counts as equal to your work. There is no rule here. This is a something that should have been worked out before you got married. Now that you are, you have to reach a compromise that you can live with. As I said, your work should count for something more than just a pile of cash but that is just my opinion.

If you are that flush with cash, consider hiring some labor for cleaning and there are meal services. Laundry is also very cheap to send out these days.

Stop arguing and agree to sit down and divide the household chores up fairly with whatever is left over from the services you pay for. Address your divided views on marriage now and don't pack it away in the attic.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> How do you guys manage sharing chores and cooking with your wife? Do you split it evenly or do you guys find yourselves following the more traditional roles, like the wife does more of the cooking and cleaning while you handle the more “masculine” responsibilities.
> 
> Do you find that which chores you do have an impact on your relationship? I’ve read that couples who follow traditional roles usually end up having more sex.
> 
> ...


What you are describing is _quid pro quo_. It's a very tough model to manage over the long term. My DW and I both work full-time. We had the same argument. We hired a housekeeper. When she cooks, I cleanup and vice versa. If your DW doesn't want to lighten your load a little during her long breaks, I would tell her how you feel about this.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This seems awful for a marraige. I'm assuming you don't have kids? 

Now that we have kids (we both work FT) there's no defined line between whats his responsibility vs mine. It's a free for all of whatever each person can get to first. 

Before kids I remember we had a discussion of which chores we each despised the most, and we each took those chores so the other didn't have to do it. I hate vacuuming/mopping so he did that. He hates laundry so I did it. 

I would bring up the whole teamwork thing. This shouldn't be a roommate keeping score kind of thing. You should each be working mutually for the benefit of each other.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

We divided them by strengths and weaknesses. I have a knack for cooking and he doesn't.So I cook and he cleans up afterward. 

When it comes to home chores we both are responsible for picking up after ourselves. In the winter,he vacuums and does the floors while I dust,do laundry,and clean the bathrooms. We help each other put our clothes away and we help each other put new sheets on the bed. 
In the summer,he enjoys taking care of the lawn so I leave that to him. I take over his indoor chores bc mowing the lawn and caring for it is very taxing. 

If one person is home all day then that person uses their time to do chores if the house needs it. The hope is to have it all done before the other person arrives home. That way we can spend the most time together as a couple without worrying about what needs to be done. 

It also helps to have a designated chore day. That way the rest of the week is just spent doing minor things like picking up after yourself and doing dishes from daily meals. 

Sometimes I do more than him and sometimes he does more than me. It's important to refrain from keeping score and try to realize just what the other person is doing for you and for the home rather than focusing on what they aren't doing.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Given that we live in an apartment in the city, there just aren't a lot of "manly" chores. The extent of "manly" stuff is usually like replacing a doorknob or putting together ikea furniture, or maybe taking out the trash and recycling. I'm still the one to do that kind of stuff, but I also do dishes and cleaning. I'd say I make about 2/3 of the money and work about 20-30% more hours than my wife, so she does the majority of the cooking and cleaning.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> We divided them by strengths and weaknesses. I have a knack for cooking and he doesn't.So I cook and he cleans up afterward.
> 
> When it comes to home chores we both are responsible for picking up after ourselves. In the winter,he vacuums and does the floors while I dust,do laundry,and clean the bathrooms. We help each other put our clothes away and we help each other put new sheets on the bed.
> In the summer,he enjoys taking care of the lawn so I leave that to him. I take over his indoor chores bc mowing the lawn and caring for it is very taxing.
> ...


I really hate the idea of keeping score and I tried to say we should try to take care of whatever needs to be done and if someone is keeping up then one of us could just mention it. 

A few months ago I was actually doing all of the chores and the only thing I asked was that she make less of a mess because she can be pretty messy. Now that I asked her to help me out more during her time off she's come to me saying she wants to divide it all out. 

This is the part that bothers me the most is that I had no problem picking up the slack but when it's her turn she hates it. I don't consider this strong and independent, I consider it really petty. In her mind if she's doing more than me in one area it's wrong, but not vice versa.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> I really hate the idea of keeping score and I tried to say we should try to take care of whatever needs to be done and if someone is keeping up then one of us could just mention it.
> 
> A few months ago I was actually doing all of the chores and the only thing I asked was that she make less of a mess because she can be pretty messy. Now that I asked her to help me out more during her time off she's come to me saying she wants to divide it all out.
> 
> This is the part that bothers me the most is that I had no problem picking up the slack but when it's her turn she hates it. I don't consider this strong and independent, I consider it really petty. In her mind if she's doing more than me in one area it's wrong, but not vice versa.


She sounds a tab bit entitled and seems to have trouble stepping out of her box to see the world around her. If she wants to divide things then fine but she needs to do her part without complaining. A little goes a long way in keeping a place clean...a little each day makes the "big clean" day so much easier.She needs to be a grown up and recognize that it isn't all about what she wants to do. 
I don't particularly get orgasmic during cleaning time and laundry day.It outright sucks. But it has to be done and I know Dh is right there with me hating it too...through our mutual hate of chores we bond LOL  

Everyone doing their part to the best of their ability makes things SO much better. Like I said, every situation has times where one person does more than the other...it balances out. It might be helpful for her to stop focusing on what she's doing and start trying to remember all the things you're doing. 
Instead of "well I cooked and did laundry!!" she should think "well he cleaned the whole kitchen for us and vacuumed..awesome now all I have to do is dinner and laundry."


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think both people should keep productive roughly the same number of ours and do the things that they each do well when possible.

Ex always watered the plants because I forget and he is a plant lover (and we had a LOT). He scrubbed the shower because he could scrub harder and would do it while he was in the shower. He often vacuumed and he handled the finances (not well, but that's another story). I ran the errands, cooked and did the rest of the cleaning and all of the laundry. He would load or unload the dishwasher as needed. A few times a month for deeper cleaning, usually one of us would move the furniture while the other vacuumed the space under. When I was a SAHM for two years I took on the child care. He would get up at night on occasion and change a wet diaper (but not a #2). But he had more yard care (much bigger yard). I guess this was one area we agreed on - chores! Obviously exceptions if one was ill, etc.

I think the purpose for getting chores out of the way is for the couple to spend time together. I'd feel guilty just sitting and doing nothing while my SO did a lot of work. If it's timed right, you should both be finishing up around the same time and this will change over time.

If you were at home doing most of the work while she was in school, that seems right. Now that you are working and she's on summer break, it seems like that should shift and she should do more. It has nothing to do with money and everything about maximizing your time so that your free time is shared instead of you coming home and still doing the chores you used to while she does nothing. 

On the other hand, if my SO had a highly physical job (i.e. construction), I would understand his being very physically tired so perhaps the job duties would shift a big heavier on the one with a desk job. I have a friend like this. He helps do half of the housework on the weekends but during the week she does all of the cooking and he cleans up which is really load the dishwasher because she tends to wipe counters and clean as she goes so it's half done by the time dinner is ready.

I think your biggest issue is that sense of entitlement. If she were to become a SAHM one day does that mean she'll do everything including mow the grass because you bring in 100% of the money? I bet not.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> How were the chores divided when you were off work?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We didn't have a schedule or anything but it was somewhat balanced.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I do practically all the cooking, it's something I enjoy and it relaxes me.
We both clean up after meals unless there is only a small amount to clear, in which case whoever is there will do it.

She does nearly all the laundry but I will help out when I can.

Housework is probably 60% - 70% her, but again I help out when I can, it's my house too.

Traditional man stuff is down to me.

Day to day financial stuff I look after, bigger financial decisions are joint.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

We generally split cooking and cleaning. Although I cook more elaborare main meals than my wife she bakes tarts,cookies and makes other treat type things. 

She tends to do more house work than me in general.I know my wife cuts me slack because my job can be quite intense physically for most of the day. I value thar side to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

soulseer said:


> We generally split cooking and cleaning. Although I cook more elaborare main meals than my wife she bakes tarts,cookies and makes other treat type things.
> 
> She tends to do more house work than me in general.I know my wife cuts me slack because my job can be quite intense physically for most of the day. I value thar side to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's nice. 

If I have a hard day at work it seems like it doesn't matter to my wife. When I come home she'll complain if I don't start attending to her needs. 
Also her favourite time to talk about problems is late at night when I'm trying to sleep. It really seems like she ignores the fact that I work because it's not in direct service to her. Just talking about it is making me pretty upset.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: What do you guys do?*



phoenix_ said:


> That's nice.
> 
> If I have a hard day at work it seems like it doesn't matter to my wife. When I come home she'll complain if I don't start attending to her needs.
> Also her favourite time to talk about problems is late at night when I'm trying to sleep. It really seems like she ignores the fact that I work because it's not in direct service to her. Just talking about it is making me pretty upset.


She sounds selfish?

How much of what you've written here do you actually say to her face? And I mean in plain language...no hinting or trying to sugar coat it.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> That's nice.
> 
> If I have a hard day at work it seems like it doesn't matter to my wife. When I come home she'll complain if I don't start attending to her needs.
> Also her favourite time to talk about problems is late at night when I'm trying to sleep. It really seems like she ignores the fact that I work because it's not in direct service to her. Just talking about it is making me pretty upset.


Has she always been a selfish, spoiled brat?
That is what she is now.

Her problems?? what kind of problems can she have when she stays at home all day and basically does nothing?

Do you make her lunch for her before you leave for work?

You have not mentioned children. Do not have any with her until this is resolved.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just do most of it. He does yard work though (1-2 times a month).

But I'd say I do about 80% of the crap needed to be done around here. We have talked before about what needs to be done and who should do it, blah blah but somehow it's back to me doing most of it. And we both work FT and pay 1/2 the bills each.

Then I lose my shet and he "tries to help more" so I get a few weeks where I don't do anything because I'm angry.

But don't listen to me. lol. Our marriage is in crap city.

Maybe your wife is resentful of your time away? Maybe she has hangups on being a "wife" in the traditional sense of the word? I don't know because I am only reading your side.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My wife and I don't really " divide chores " per se.
We both cook , I do the laundry, she folds and put they away, I cook , she cooks sometimes. Sometimes i do the grocery , sometimes she does it, and so on.

Whatever needs to be done whoever gets to it first , does it.

But we have no kids, so I guess that sort of arrangement is workable for us.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What is fair and what works are often very different things. What is equal is often not fair. You both need to accept those two truths before you can resolve this impasse.
Then there is my Mother's advice. In any marriage each partner should feel like they are giving 60%.
On to specifics. Chore charts breed resentment not love. Try to avoid one if you can resolve this with out it. The most commonly accepted methods of avoiding the chore charts are, 1) if you see something that needs to be done, do it. And 2) Cook and clean up together.
Now the semester break is not going to last as long as your job. So don't make a permanent solution for a short term problem. Sooner or later she will not have extra time. 
Whether or not you wanted the bunny has nothing to do with your responsibility to care for it's needs.
Low quality in your cooking efforts should inspire her to cook more, not dig in her heels about division of labor. This indicates that there is a serious aversion to cooking on her part. You should probably take that into consideration. 
Go Forth and conquer together.
MN


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

We have a weekly sprint with planning meetings on Friday night. Literally, post-its on our sliding glass door. The door is marked off in quadrants using paint tape with a section for a backlog. All four of us have our own section. We all agree what we are going to get done during the week and move those post-its to our section. We talk about what we need help with and what are blockers are. When something is completed, it is moved over to the other sliding glass door. We then just spend a few minutes every other day to review. It should be every day but that is difficult sometimes.

I usually have the biggest, most complicated items on the list, lol.

I had to do something ... so I borrowed the idea from work. Before that, I felt like if I wanted it to get done I had to do it myself. It has made a tremendous difference.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Of course, we've only got one side of the story, but this all sounds very petty, and possibly just lazy. Whichever spouse finds him/herself at home for a much greater time period should sensibly do the lion's share of the housework. It shouldn't be a game of match up the chore time, or "if I do this, you have to do that". She's only cooking 1 meal per month, while you're working full time? Geez.

The problem is, this is something that shouldn't have to be explained. Assuming you've discussed this all rationally, its hard to know what course to take.

Maybe:

When you get home, have a little rest, then head in to fix dinner, and clean it up yourself if she doesn't volunteer. Explain it is just too costly to eat out all the time. Take your time, and don't sit down to watch TV or whatever until all the pressing chores are done. Take your time, and work until bedtime if you have to. Keep this up for awhile, and see if any little bit of marital empathy and responsibility stirs in her.

At some point she'll tire of you working all the time, and ask you to leave things till later. Tell her that if you start doing that, it will gnaw at you, and you'll be unable to enjoy whatever activity she proposes

?? Just an idea. People that are so stingy with their goodwill are hard for me to figure out.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> That's nice.
> 
> If I have a hard day at work it seems like it doesn't matter to my wife. When I come home she'll complain if I don't start attending to her needs.
> Also her favourite time to talk about problems is late at night when I'm trying to sleep. It really seems like she ignores the fact that I work because it's not in direct service to her. Just talking about it is making me pretty upset.


How do you mean talking about problems late at night.

Do you mean she goes on and on?

Last thing at night in bed is a nice time for us. We spoon and have our last natter about the events of the day, anything bothering us etc.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> We have a weekly sprint with planning meetings on Friday night. Literally, post-its on our sliding glass door. The door is marked off in quadrants using paint tape with a section for a backlog. All four of us have our own section. We all agree what we are going to get done during the week and move those post-its to our section. We talk about what we need help with and what are blockers are. When something is completed, it is moved over to the other sliding glass door. We then just spend a few minutes every other day to review. It should be every day but that is difficult sometimes.
> 
> I usually have the biggest, most complicated items on the list, lol.
> 
> I had to do something ... so I borrowed the idea from work. Before that, I felt like if I wanted it to get done I had to do it myself. It has made a tremendous difference.


Just to add.

Yes, I take the typical "male" responsibilities. My wife's idea of outside work is she picks out the flowers, I buy them, I prepare the bed and dig the holes, she comes outside and places the flower in the hole ... and then goes back inside to shower while I cover with dirt and water.  I really do wish I married someone who is willing to help out more in that department ... someone more outdoorsy. Both my neighbors wives cut their grass when their husband can't. I come home and see my neighbor's wives up and down the street outside weeding or doing something outside. That is all on me and even though I enjoy doing outside work, I find that a little irritating.

Some things I just won't let her do. I have to replace the garbage disposal this week. No way I'm having her do that ... it would end up with me just doing it anyway just so she doesn't electrocute herself, lol.

Our 'system' has helped. For years I did all the grocery shopping even though she was a SAHM. I did that because at the time she had poor shopping habits ... I didn't tell her that ... the reason I gave her was to help her out with the kids but that was only a partial truth. Really .... I was tired of never having anything in the house to eat and for every $200 spent, $150 of it would be for junk and the rest of it actual food. Now, she is very particular about what she eats so we don't have that issue. Over the last several months, she has been doing much of the shopping and it is primarily because she can see how much I have to do when we have our planning meetings. She actually volunteers to take that on to help out ... believe me, that is huge.

Another thing ... laundry. I do my own laundry ... again because back when she was responsible for it, she was insane. Seriously, she would leave wet clothes in the washer for a week and then dry them ... meaning they reeked. I actually went out and bought underwear on my way to work because even though I own 3 weeks worth of underwear, she would go even longer before doing laundry. I just had to start doing it because no matter how many times she promised to do better, it never happened. Anyway, now we compete for the washing machine. For a long time, it killed me that she would wait until the weekend to do her wash when I work during the week and usually do mine on the weekends. Now, we agree to when and how long we will be tying up the washer. Problem solved, everybody is happy.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> That's nice.
> 
> If I have a hard day at work it seems like it doesn't matter to my wife. When I come home she'll complain if I don't start attending to her needs.
> Also her favourite time to talk about problems is late at night when I'm trying to sleep. It really seems like she ignores the fact that I work because it's not in direct service to her. Just talking about it is making me pretty upset.


Do you have kids? 

I am, I guess mostly, a stay at home mom(work evenings) and when my husband gets home(if I'm not working), I really need him to pitch in and help out with things fairly quickly. It can be physically and mentally taxing to be cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kid(s), doing errands, etc. all day. 

When you cook, why not ask her to help you? Then you both can cook and clean up together. If she wants to talk late at night, acknowledge that she wants to talk and make a time the next day for when you can discuss those issues, then say good-night.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

A good, and established separation of certain chores is a big positive, I think. My wife readily admits I outwork her in and around the house, its just my nature. However, there are some chores that she always does, and I don't have to think about: Laundry, the dishwasher, grocery shopping, couponing, and planning meals. I just cannot do those things in an orderly and efficient fashion. She doesn't mind.

She's organized, I'm seat-of-the-pants. I'm a better cook, but she'll do the sous-chef work and really get things ready. We kind of split cleanup. No one keeps track. Its nice.

I have another big advantage. We live out in the sticks, so I am constantly removing terrible threats. Spiders, snakes, scorpions, skunks (lots of "s" critters), wasps, bats, etc. Those chores count double or triple.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

We had a big fight last night. It started out about chores… I mentioned again that it really pisses me off that she tried to ask me to do all of the cooking after work while she just has to clean. We have no kids, live in a small apartment and I barley spend any time in it right now. 

IMO I think it’s her mom and step mom’s lifestyle getting in her head. Both of them make the money and their husbands are basically stay at home dads. On top of that it seems like she has major insecurities about being a “servant” to a man. 

Anyway, we were arguing in the car when she brought up my mom, who we had lots of problems with in the past and currently. It was completely out of context (she said she brought it up because I was brining up stuff from the past, which was about me picking up the slack for chores before) so I told her I don’t care and don’t want to hear about it, and then she got out of the car, slammed the door and walked away. 
She came back to our condo 2 hours later and I was already going to bed. At 5 in the morning she poured water on the bed so I couldn’t sleep and then we fought until I went to work.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

OK, can we agree on "dysfunction" ? I'm going to guess there is more going on then chores. That said, if it is only chores, it sounds like you have someone who is ready to try and wear you down and train you to her liking.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> OK, can we agree on "dysfunction" ? I'm going to guess there is more going on then chores. That said, if it is only chores, it sounds like you have someone who is ready to try and wear you down and train you to her liking.


She's had some problems in the past with depression but she's on medication and has been very stable for a while. She was completely stable when we were arguing about chores the past couple of weeks but my unwillingness to compromise the way she wanted me to pushed her until she got really upset and did that. 

This is the second or third time we argued about chores and it's only for the small windows of time where she does more of it. Like I said before, it seems like she can't stand it if she does more than half of the housework at any given time.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> This is the second or third time we argued about chores and it's only for the small windows of time where she does more of it. Like I said before, it seems like she can't stand it if she does more than half of the housework at any given time.


Does she feel appreciated when she does more of the chores? 

I ask this because I have told my husband in the past that I would be more than willing to do a majority of the work as long as I felt loved and appreciated. If he treats me like a roommate/maid/etc., then I'm not going to want to do any of it. A marriage is a partnership. I'm not his mother, maid, or what ever else.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Does she feel appreciated when she does more of the chores?
> 
> I ask this because I have told my husband in the past that I would be more than willing to do a majority of the work as long as I felt loved and appreciated. If he treats me like a roommate/maid/etc., then I'm not going to want to do any of it. A marriage is a partnership. I'm not his mother, maid, or what ever else.


I never act like she has to be my maid or anything like that. I thank her when I notice something but I don't do this for every little thing that she does.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> I never act like she has to be my maid or anything like that. I thank her when I notice something but I don't do this for every little thing that she does.


Have you talked to her about it? Asked her if she feels appreciated? 

And I would practice active listening, making sure she feels completely heard and understood. 

My husband said he thanked me "often" and so on, but I didn't see it the same way. It wasn't something he noticed until after we had a discussion about it and I talked about how I felt taken for granted as I did a majority of the chores, while he only worked.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Oi. Never have relationship discussions in the car.

What would happen if you told her "I'm not happy with the current arrangement"? Not in the middle of a fight, not with a heapload of resentment, just telling her what you've told us.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

When we were younger and I worked all the time and she was home with the kids she did most of the domestic stuff, when I was home I would help some mainly I cooked.
Now that everyone is older I still cook mostly because my schedule allows me to be home and I am a better cook as for the other chores sooner or later it all needs to get done so who cares who does it just jump in and do it.

In your situation divide the chores into equal parts then switch every week that way no one gets the feeling the are doing more than the other.
As for her b1tching about it well some people are complainers and some are not get used to it you have many more years to go.


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## JuliannaMills (Jun 11, 2014)

Honestly women should pick up more slack (depending on a situation). I tell my husband to pick up his clothes from the floor or wash a dish after he eats but other than that I always feel it's my job to be a housewife and take care of him and I enjoy him coming home to dinner on table , clean clothes, and a clean house. Now if the woman is the breadwinner of course it would be other way around most likely. I have fun and get pleasure out of him coming to a clean, well kept environment. Working a 10 hr shift in your case and her having few extra hours here and there, she should be putting more effort into housewife duties.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Have you talked to her about it? Asked her if she feels appreciated?
> 
> And I would practice active listening, making sure she feels completely heard and understood.
> 
> My husband said he thanked me "often" and so on, but I didn't see it the same way. It wasn't something he noticed until after we had a discussion about it and I talked about how I felt taken for granted as I did a majority of the chores, while he only worked.


I did not ask her if she felt appreciated because she was doing such a small amount of work anyway.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

JuliannaMills said:


> Honestly women should pick up more slack (depending on a situation). I tell my husband to pick up his clothes from the floor or wash a dish after he eats but other than that I always feel it's my job to be a housewife and take care of him and I enjoy him coming home to dinner on table , clean clothes, and a clean house. Now if the woman is the breadwinner of course it would be other way around most likely. I have fun and get pleasure out of him coming to a clean, well kept environment. Working a 10 hr shift in your case and her having few extra hours here and there, she should be putting more effort into housewife duties.


I've been at my new job for a month and not one day was dinner ready when I got home. On Monday I brought dinner for the both us after work, she was cleaning up a cabinet and kept asking me for help while I was eating. It's like she just can't accept the fact that I'm not helping her when she's doing housework no matter what I've done that day.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Yesterday after I came home I ate dinner, we spoke a couple of words about nothing, sat in silence for 20 minutes and then I fell asleep while sitting on the couch. 

In the past I would always try to find a solution to whatever problem we were having but I just didn't have any will to do it yesterday. We've been through a lot and it took a toll on me every time and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I want to put any more effort into it. 

The last few days have been a mess but I think I know what the main problem for me is now. She is very insecure and any time she's doing more work than me, which is not often, it frustrates her incredibly. A few days ago she told me that going to work doesn't matter to her because I would do it if I was with her or not, so it shouldn't count towards me effort in our marriage. 
It seems like she wants to take that back now but it's not like her entire mentality is going to change all of a sudden, she just knows how upset that comment made me. 

Yesterday the apartment was very clean and it looks like she actually bought some new carpets too. After our fights she always makes an effort to make things better but the change is always very short lasting. I feel like I can never count on her to take care of me, but the reverse is always expected. For the last couple of months she has been complaining that I'm not very loving towards her, that I don't kiss her often or tell her I love her. She also assumed it's my fault that I'm not doing it. She never thought to look at herself to see why I don't feel like doing it anymore. 

I think she doesn't know how serious it is this time around. She probably thinks we're equally at fault where I don't think that at all. I am not going to stay in a relationship where my wife expects everything of me and nothing of herself. I'm going to work everyday while she's at home and she still wants me to take care of dinner everyday if she takes care of the tiny bit of cleaning she'll have to do for me. 
Since our fight she's been sleeping in the living room and she actually said that she can't sleep next to me because she would be disgusted with herself. Doing a tiny bit of work for your husband makes you feel disgusted with yourself now??? 
I don't know what I'll say to her today but this is never what I imagined marriage to be.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> I did not ask her if she felt appreciated because she was doing such a small amount of work anyway.


And you don't think that can contribute to the cycle? She might do less work because she feels unappreciated? Have you thought about that? 

If you are looking to help fix your marriage, you have to communicate well. Asking her that question, in a sincere way, would be a start to get to a better place in your marriage.


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## RichieBanks (Jul 4, 2014)

We've always had a division of chores. When there is something that one of us doesn't mind as much as the other, it's easy. Other things are just divided as fairly as possible.

Until we retired we'd make concessions to the one working the most hours.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I don't think I could tolerate someone who's idea of dealing with a disagreement was to wake me at 5 in the morning by dumping water on the bed. It would be like being married to a 5 year old who can't communicate their frustrations with words, so they throw temper tantrums. That in itself would be totally unacceptable. And all this is happening simply because you allow it to happen. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

Occasional cleaning lady. Dishwasher. My marriage has never been better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Poured water on the bed? Seriously? Have you discussed that?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

At first it was 50/50.....then we had a kid and it became 100/0.....fast forward 13 years and it's still 100/0 so I divorced. Now it's just 100 on me which I'm happier doing because it's just for me and the kids.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This feels like one big sh*t test. 

Seems to me the "chores" are a red herring in all of this. She has some issue around control and feeling like she is submitting to a man. She's also not getting some of her needs met, and is doing thing to not meet your needs. 

Personally I'd stop arguing, and I'd stop expecting her to do anything. You're just going to get pissed off. Maybe call her out on her behaviour and in a joking/not joking way. Make it clear she's being an idiot without saying that, or reacting in an emotional way.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Serve and surprise....

Dividing up into roles/chores gets stupid. Then you are grading each other which doesn't help anything.

Life varies each of you will be busy at different times.

I also figured out that if the house is cluttered she is not thinking about me as much. If I get that taken care of well then we can "talk"...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It's hard to relate to other people's division of chores as every situation is different.

Based on your situation, your girl should be doing cleaning and cooking as you are workign quite a bit. I would probably say, help out and cook WITH her on the weekends. 

But these are all VERY bad signs. Give it some time if you want but let me tell you, you do NOT want to have kids with a woman that refuses to contribute her half/clean or cook for family (assuming she doesn't work).

Do you want your kids to eat chicken nuggets every day? 

Balance if completely off, and you know it, and now she is withholding sleeping with you.....for what? 

I would recommend that you start kissing her and expressing love more (if that's what she want/ is looking for). Even if she doesn't cover her end of responsibilities, continue on with showing love/affection (it's important).

Rest, she either addresses herself, or you pack your bags and go (if it's a deal breaker). 

She sounds lazy....and self entitled based on what you wrote.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Things have been a lot better now. I think she feels really bad about what's been happening for the last few months so she's been trying to do everything now. She's been doing all of the cleaning and a lot more cooking than usual, along with preparing my lunch for work everyday. The best part is that she doesn't seem to be forcing it or doing it out of resentment, she looks really happy. Hopefully this will continue.

She goes to the councilor every week and I think she's been making some good progress on how to deal with some issues she's been holding on to in the past as well. Overall things have been much better.


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