# He called me the wrong name...



## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I have many issues with my partner, so this probably isn't that important. 

Last night, I had a surprise birthday dinner for my fiancé. All of his family was there etc. During one of the conversations he accidentally called me his ex wife's name. They have been divorced for 3 years and have no communication. I didn't say anything...he corrected himself and moved on. 

On the drive home...I mentioned it. He asked why I was a little quiet. I told him that was a bit embarrassing. He told me that I was "looking for problems" and wanted to start a fight. 

I told him that was ridiculous. That I was just voicing my feelings. He said "you always have to find a problem, don't you?" 

Now, how would you respond to this situation???


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How long were they married?

I often accidentally call my son my ex's name and their names are nothing alike. And I never really even called my ex by his actual name.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You should save your hurt and embarrassment for your husband over things he does with his conscious mind, not for a hiccup in his name recall.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

solost525 said:


> I have many issues with my partner, so this probably isn't that important.
> 
> Last night, I had a surprise birthday dinner for my fiancé. All of his family was there etc. During one of the conversations he accidentally called me his ex wife's name. They have been divorced for 3 years and have no communication. I didn't say anything...he corrected himself and moved on.
> 
> ...


He is minimizing or devaluing your feelings, he is also blame shifting by saying you always find a problem. This is a form of abuse.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

6 years... I think it just sucked because I did all this for him and got that in return.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

solost525 said:


> I have many issues with my partner, so this probably isn't that important.
> 
> Last night, I had a surprise birthday dinner for my *fiancé*. All of his family was there etc. During one of the conversations he accidentally called me his ex wife's name. They have been divorced for 3 years and have no communication. I didn't say anything...he corrected himself and moved on.
> 
> ...


Don't get married. Either you DO always have to find a problem OR he is dismissive of your feelings or both.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

solost525 said:


> I have many issues with my partner, so this probably isn't that important.
> 
> Last night, I had a surprise birthday dinner for my fiancé. All of his family was there etc. During one of the conversations he accidentally called me his ex wife's name. They have been divorced for 3 years and have no communication. I didn't say anything...he corrected himself and moved on.
> 
> ...


Your fiance may be right but I understand your need to feel heard. He better learn to listen if he wants a good relationship. I think we got offsetting penalties here and you should let it go unless he devalues or minimizes your feelings often. Then you may need to bring in the punter.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
brain glitches happen - I think if they are accidental they are best ignored.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Your fiance may be right but I understand your need to feel heard. He better learn to listen if he wants a good relationship.


He can listen until he's blue in the face, but what will it gain him if it ever happens again? It's like having your spouse angry at you for being right-handed. 

It is not something to ever get angry about, and it will certainly fade with time and distance from his ex.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

solost525 said:


> I have many issues with my partner, so this probably isn't that important.
> 
> Last night, I had a surprise birthday dinner for my fiancé. All of his family was there etc. During one of the conversations he accidentally called me his ex wife's name. They have been divorced for 3 years and have no communication. I didn't say anything...he corrected himself and moved on.
> 
> ...


Mentioning her name accidentally was understandable. His reaction when you mentioned it isn't.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> He can listen until he's blue in the face, but what will it gain him if it ever happens again? It's like having your spouse angry at you for being right-handed.
> 
> It is not something to ever get angry about, and it will certainly fade with time and distance from his ex.


That said, there is nothing wrong with getting one's feelings hurt. 

Her: "My feelings are hurt."
Him: "I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. That was not my intention."


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Well, this is on top of other issues. For example, he likes to passive aggressively accuse me of things. 

I drink a couple glasses of wine a night. It's my dessert. Well, he just eats dessert and gets fat and complains about it. 

So recently I've been very tired. The night of his birthday... He started "jokingly" saying I must be crushing Xanax in my wine. 

I don't take ANY drugs! Never have! I was prescribed that years ago by a doctor before a surgery and the old bottle is still in the cabinet. He went through it and counted all the pills to make sure! 

I said ...see! Please stop with these ridiculous accusations! 

But he still does it. I will get up and go to the kitchen and he will say don't forget your Xanax!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Why do people who are ALREADY a mess get married?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

solost525 said:


> Well, this is on top of other issues. For example, he likes to passive aggressively accuse me of things.
> 
> I drink a couple glasses of wine a night. It's my dessert. Well, he just eats dessert and gets fat and complains about it.
> 
> ...


This isn't good. He shouldn't be your fiancée.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> That said, there is nothing wrong with getting one's feelings hurt.
> 
> Her: "My feelings are hurt."
> Him: "I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. That was not my intention."


I can't disagree completely, but a much better situation would be to learn to not get your feelings hurt in the first place when something happens over which another person has no control.

I guess I don't see his reaction as any worse that her sitting in the car and pouting over it on the way home.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I can't disagree completely, but a much better situation would be to learn to not get your feelings hurt in the first place when something happens over which another person has no control.
> 
> I guess I don't see his reaction as any worse that her sitting in the car and pouting over it on the way home.


Yup.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That said, there is nothing wrong with getting one's feelings hurt.
> 
> Her: "My feelings are hurt."
> Him: "I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. That was not my intention."


Nailed it. 

All he had to do but instead he dismissed and invalidated her.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> Mentioning her name accidentally was understandable. His reaction when you mentioned it isn't.


^yes.

If he's going to ask what's wrong, then he can't say that you're always looking for a fight when you simply replied honestly. if you were actually looking for a fight, you would have been the one that brought it up.

quiet, and slightly embarrassed at using the wrong name at an engagement party is a reasonable reaction imo. His, to your response, was not.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I guess I don't see his reaction as any worse that her sitting in the car and pouting over it on the way home.


QFT


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

solost525 said:


> I said ...see! Please stop with these ridiculous accusations!
> 
> But he still does it. I will get up and go to the kitchen and he will say don't forget your Xanax!


Oy. He knows you're not taking Xanax. He's not accusing you of taking Xanax. He's grumpy about the situation and handling it poorly. 

It's OK to be a upset about this, but be upset about the right thing.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I wasn't pouting at all. I just told him it hurt my feelings. He started getting angry. I said just drop it. And I did. 

But that's when he started in on my tiredness and accusing me of taking Xanax.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

solost525 said:


> Well, this is on top of other issues. For example, he likes to passive aggressively accuse me of things.
> 
> I drink a couple glasses of wine a night. It's my dessert. Well, he just eats dessert and gets fat and complains about it.
> 
> ...


That's also abusive. You can either choose to keep taking it or not, how you do that is up to you.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You have a communication breakdown in your relationship. Something may be bothering him
and he is lashing out. Sex life good?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

solost525 said:


> I wasn't pouting at all. I just told him it hurt my feelings. He started getting angry. I said just drop it. And I did.
> 
> But that's when he started in on my tiredness and accusing me of taking Xanax.


Sometimes people having affairs accuse their partners of having affairs. I suppose the same could apply to drugs....


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@solost525, if you plan on staying in this relationship, and your fiance is a joker, then you're going to have to grow thick skin and learn to give back as good as you get. 

For ex, when he called by his ex wife's name, you could've jokingly replied with something like "you must have me confused with your evil ex wife. I'm you're good soon to be wife." When he asked you not to forget the Xanax you could have jokingly responded with "sure thing. Do you want me to bring you your vial of crack?"


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

To answer the question here?yes there is something bothering him. I was posting in the financial section.

He is constantly worried that I?m going to leave him again (I have left him before because he?s extremely controlling)

The problem right now is that I just started a new job and he is suspicious about where my direct deposit is going. He wants to control all of our money. I didn?t get paid on the day I thought I was supposed to and he flipped out and said he KNEW I was secretly putting the money in a different account. He KNEW I was doing something behind his back.

I said NO. I told him a MILLION times that I wasn?t doing that ?I didn?t do that?and he didn?t believe me. He continued to say I KNOW you are doing this behind my back.

So finally I emailed the payroll person and I showed him the response. Because I signed up for direct deposit - it takes 10 days for it to work? I forwarded it to him and he accused me of falsifying the email. 

He is constantly accusing me of everything. 

He is insanely jealous too and when I talk about my boss he ?jokes? and says?I?m sure you are laying on his couch with your legs spread ?talking all about ?work?.

I said STOP! He always makes these insinuations. I said I have to meet with him and talk about WORK. He said for 2 hours? I don?t see any reason you need to talk to a man privately (MY BOSS) for 2 hours and can?t text me or call me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

solost525 said:


> To answer the question here?yes there is something bothering him. I was posting in the financial section.
> 
> He is constantly worried that I?m going to leave him again (I have left him before because he?s extremely controlling)
> 
> ...


Oh my. I don't think you should marry him.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Yes -- I think I get angry internally about this because he literally melts down and starts fights about his weight.
He is in great shape but he was in better shape when we met. He blames me for his lack of going to the gym 7 days a week. (I like to run in the morning...so he doesn't go, if I don't go with him).

So when he notices he has gained a few pounds -- he will get very angry and grab his love handle and scream "you don't see this...how could you lie to me and say I'm attractive?!" I will tell him that I think he looks great no matter what...and he will respond angrily and tell me that he doesn't appreciate the fact that I lie to him and that he feels like his entire life is in a downward slide.... 

This will go on and on for like an hour. I used to try hugging him...kissing him...he will push me off and tell me he doesn't want that. Then I tried just being silent ...and not responding. He told me my silence is an admission that he is right. Then I try arguing with him and it escalates into a full blown fight and he will say I like to start problems.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Based on your other thread, his calling you his Ex's name is the least of your problems with him. 

As you were told on your last thread this man is abusive and controlling and you need to get rid of him.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That said, there is nothing wrong with getting one's feelings hurt.
> 
> Her: "My feelings are hurt."
> Him: "I am sorry that your feelings were hurt. That was not my intention."


Agreed. The way he crafted his response was indeed dismissive and not handled well. He could have acknowledged that you were hurt and then apologized for the mistake...because that is most likely all it was...a simple mistake.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> 6 years... I think it just sucked because I did all this for him and got that in return.


What all have you do for him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> I wasn't pouting at all. I just told him it hurt my feelings. He started getting angry. I said just drop it. And I did.
> 
> But that's when he started in on my tiredness and accusing me of taking Xanax.


As others have said, his slip up is not the issue. His response to your telling him your feelings about it is a problem.

What I don't get is that your fiancé is very very abusive of you. You do nothing about his abuse. But you keep coming here with stuff like this.

You clearly have every intent to marry a man who is abusing you, trying to cut you off from your 10 (or so) year off son, who takes you earned income and does not allow you access to it.

You are a willing participant in his abuse of you. So why are you complaining? What do you think it will accomplish to complain and do nothing to defend/protect yourself?

People here are posting to you based on your original post on this thread. Most do not know your story, so they do not know the whole picture.

You should be running from this man as fast as you can. :surprise:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Oy. He knows you're not taking Xanax. He's not accusing you of taking Xanax. He's grumpy about the situation and handling it poorly.
> 
> It's OK to be a upset about this, but be upset about the right thing.


In other threads/posts she has described in more detail what he's been doing about the Xanax. On this thread she'd making it sound like just a little comment that he made.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I took him away on a surprise birthday trip. Then when we got home, I had a party/dinner arranged with his family and friends. I also got him a very nice gift. 


He was very difficult almost the entire time. Including our weekend getaway...

He was very happy the first night(Saturday), but the following morning ...he told me I had "ruined the day and night" because I told him that I wanted to go see my son on Monday.

He was very angry because he would be working and he couldn't go with me. 

He said he wanted to go home. So we checked out of the hotel. As we came down ...he said shouldn't we just go home ? (angrily)

I said it is up to you. I don't understand why you are so upset. I made this entire weekend about you...and visiting my son (out of town) while he's at work shouldn't be a problem. 

In the lobby ...he said "make up your mind...do you want to get coffee and leave for home or do you want to shop?" I calmly said..."you said you wanted to leave." He started raising his voice in the lobby "omg why can't you make up your mind!" I said please don't scream...and I am happy to do whatever you like...it is your birthday! 

He got very upset and started yelling that I am riduculous because I can't make up my mind and he is sick of my game. 

I said...there's no game. I love you. This weekend was for your bday and I don't want you upset. 

So he stormed off and got coffee and left me standing there...I started to walk and when I reached him ...he said he can't understand why I have to ruin his birthday. 

He said what do you want to do??? I said I don't care. I just want to be with you. I don't care. If you want to go home...we will go! 

He stormed off and we drove home and he yelled the whole time about how I should have given him at least 48 hours notice about my intention to go see my son. 

Then we came home..and went to his birthday dinner...and that soothed him ..for the most part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you putting up with this?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> Agreed. The way he crafted his response was indeed dismissive and not handled well. He could have acknowledged that you were hurt and then apologized for the mistake...because that is most likely all it was...a simple mistake.


I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a butt myself on this, but...

Why should anyone EVER have to apologize for doing something over which they have no control? I might as well apologize for the rain for all I can do about it. It's not anyone's fault, and it is no one's obligation to apologize. 

Empathizing with your spouse feeling bad is not the same as apologizing for something not your fault.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a butt myself on this, but...
> 
> Why should anyone EVER have to apologize for doing something over which they have no control? I might as well apologize for the rain for all I can do about it. It's not anyone's fault, and it is no one's obligation to apologize.
> 
> Empathizing with your spouse feeling bad is not the same as apologizing for something not your fault.


I've done a similar thing in the past... accidently called my husband by my ex's name. I immediately apologized to him... I felt like an idiot.

It's not that I had to apologize for a mental glitch.. it's that there is no way I would want to hurt his feelings. And doing it in front of other people, I did not want them to think that it was a Freudian slip based on me pining for my ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525, Weirdo567, etc... 

Please get the help you need from a professional counselor. We cannot help you on TAM. This is way beyond our skill set.


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