# Explaining difference between boundaries and being controlling to WS



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

How do you explain the difference between healthy boundaries in a relationship and being controlling to a wayward spouse? That controlling card seems to be a common occurrence cheating spouses play often. My wife doesn't understand why I insist on full transparency even though she "says" the affair is over. I told her full transparency is essential to re-build and keep trust.

I explained it this way. 

Me: "Would you let our daughter run to Wal-Mart by herself?" Our daughter is 10.

WS: "No, not at the age she is now."

Me: "Why not?"

WS: "Don't be silly. She can't drive."

Me: "Who cares? If she wants to go to Wal-Mart, why shouldn't we give her the car keys, cash, and send her on her way?"

WS: "You're being ridiculous."

Me: "The requirement to have a driver's license is a boundary that prevents people from driving if they don't know how. The requirement to be 16 years old is a boundary to make sure kids have matured some before they hit the roads. Boundaries are not bad things in and of themselves. They are good. My boundary of requiring transparency is crucial to this marriage. Without it, trust will never be re-built. 

I don't know if it is even possible to explain anything to them when they are in the fog. I guess that is why the 180 includes "Don't try to reason." I suppose any efforts spent on that are just wasted time and resources. Any thoughts?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't know if it is even possible to explain anything to them when they are in the fog. I guess that is why the 180 includes "Don't try to reason." I suppose any efforts spent on that are just wasted time and resources. Any thoughts?


You answered your own question.

Your doing more mental masturbating.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your doing more mental masturbating.


Lol, nice


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Maybe give me transparency or get the hell out might have gotten the point across better.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yeah my H doesn't get it either, he wants to move in to his sisters house while we have a "trial seperation". The OW is his sisters best friend. 

My H and I had problems a year ago and I left him, but we did MC (what a joke!) and tried to work it out, and now this. I told him, if we are seperating but still trying to work it out, I don't think your sisters is the place for you to stay, because I don't trust you. To which he replies, "if you don't trust me it will never work". 

When I left him a year ago, he stayed at his brothers house. So I don't understand why he cant go there, or a hotel. But no, he says the only place he has to go is his sisters, where the OW frequently is. *sigh*


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

That's a tough one to manage. Went through that exercise myself but I see boundaries and transparency as two different issues. I set my boundaries with my wife after the EA went on/off/on. Pretty simple, black and white. "End it for good or I'll end the marriage. I am willing and able to leave you over this issue." The boundary was set, she ended it for good, we moved on. 

If you've read any of my comments on transparency you'll know, I don't buy into it. With today's technology it's too easy to beat the system with a secret email account, track phone.... If they are going to sneak around you can't stop it and if they know you are monitoring, they'll go deeper below the radar to hide it. I always figured if she was going to continue, she'd slip up somewhere down the road. And if she really had ended it, snooping was just going to add stress to the reconciliation process. I felt I knew my wife well enough that I took that leap of faith. While I've always had full access to her email account, bank records and cell phone, I've never wasted time chasing red herrings. I've kept my radar up to make sure we are communicating and if she is distant for no particular reason, we discuss it. She does the same with me, but as far as I'm concerned, the affair is over and I don't look back at it much. But that attitude didn't come overnight either.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You answered your own question.
> 
> Your doing more mental masturbating.


As always, you are right on track. :rofl:

Variety is the spice of life, right? Why not try some mental? lol


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Yeah my H doesn't get it either, he wants to move in to his sisters house while we have a "trial seperation". The OW is his sisters best friend.
> 
> My H and I had problems a year ago and I left him, but we did MC (what a joke!) and tried to work it out, and now this. I told him, if we are seperating but still trying to work it out, I don't think your sisters is the place for you to stay, because I don't trust you. To which he replies, "if you don't trust me it will never work".
> 
> When I left him a year ago, he stayed at his brothers house. So I don't understand why he cant go there, or a hotel. But no, he says the only place he has to go is his sisters, where the OW frequently is. *sigh*


You have every reason to NOT trust him, believe me. I would tell his sister and brother what's going on. That should make him think twice before running to his family for shelter i.e. affair fix.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boundaries are something that you implemenet for yourself and ynou keep regardless of what the other person does. If you state your boundary clearly and let it be known and the other person does not respect that or refuses to respect it, then you must commit to whatever you said the consequence would be.

The reason your wife continues to cake-eat day in and day out is because she doesn't believe you will ever do anything about it. She doesn't believe your "boundary" is real because you have given her no reason to. 

She has no reason to want to give up the affair because you've made it clear to her over and over again that while it upsets you and ticks you off, she doesn't lose anything in the process, her life stays the same...she gets you pining over her and her life stays the same no matter what. You are her safety net, her Plan B, her doormat. I read once when you posted about a week or two ago that you got down on your hands and knees and grabbed her foot or something and rubbed it on your face and told her that she was treating you like an animal or something like that, that you were pleading with her not to keep this affair. No woman is going to respect a man who does that. Then another day you posted about how she said she'd ended the affair and yet called him up for two hours to talk. That is ridiculous. She knows she can get away with it because you tolerate it.

It's high time you pull up your socks, pants, dignity and put your foot down. She is in the wrong, no you. You keep doing the same thing, you are going to get the same thing back, TN.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm trying to set up boundaries with my H too and he sees it as control. My H hates being controlled. He wants to do things his way. I've told him it is too much stress on me watching him run off to be with "just a friend" every night and that I wanted him out of the house to prevent me that anguish. He gets offended that I try to take control by asking him to leave and I am told to "deal with it"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Setting Boundaries 
When your partner is continually treating you in a manner you find disrespectful, how do you handle it? Do you ask them stop? Do you throw out "threats" if they don't stop? Do you follow through with your consequences? If you feel like you're constantly asking over and again for your partner to cease the behaviors, but there's no consequences for their actions, then by what reason do they have to stop? 

Sometimes, your decision NOT to take any action conveys a message to your partner that you're willing to tolerate (or even accept!) the negative behaviors. So what can you do? First, determine what you're willing to do if your partner treats you in a disrespectful way. Ignore the behavior? Disengage from the situation? And maybe even be willing to leave the relationship if the behaviors are extreme? Second, calmly let your partner know how their behaviors affect you and what you need to do to respect yourself. Then, follow through with what you decide 

If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries. It may be difficult, but consider this:

*Why would someone respect your boundaries if you're not willing to respect yourself first*?_

Counseling: How It Can Be Helpful: Setting Boundaries


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## nikkipooh187 (Apr 18, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Yeah my H doesn't get it either, he wants to move in to his sisters house while we have a "trial seperation". The OW is his sisters best friend.
> 
> My H and I had problems a year ago and I left him, but we did MC (what a joke!) and tried to work it out, and now this. I told him, if we are seperating but still trying to work it out, I don't think your sisters is the place for you to stay, because I don't trust you. To which he replies, "if you don't trust me it will never work".
> 
> When I left him a year ago, he stayed at his brothers house. So I don't understand why he cant go there, or a hotel. But no, he says the only place he has to go is his sisters, where the OW frequently is. *sigh*



you already know the deal as to why he wants to stay at his sister's. thats his way of being able to see the OW. the way i see it he wants to have his cake and eat it too and yes you have absolutely no reason to trust him and if he wanted your marriage to work he would see that and find someplace else to stay, but even then he cant be trusted because she could follow him wherever he chooses to stay. i wish you the best of luck in working on your marriage and i hope he realizes his mistakes and changes.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

For a quick reference please take a quick peek at this stick thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...isloyal-you-being-controlling.html#post238370

On that thread we had a pretty good discussion of the difference between "transparency" and "controlling"...and here we can add yet another definition of the difference between "transparency" and "boundaries." 

1) A *boundary* is a limit that you place upon YOURSELF not on your spouse. Envision a little fence around you--and you are describing what you will and will not let into your fence-space. Thus saying "You can't go out partying" is not a boundary because that tries to make someone do something (which is force or control). A BOUNDARY IS SOMETHING YOU SET FOR YOU. 

2) *Transparency* is when a person voluntarily makes themselves "see through" for another person (usually their spouse). I can choose to be transparent, but I can not make YOU be transparent. Transparency has to be voluntary by definition, and it would be when someone wants to be close enough with you that they VOLUNTEER to no longer hide things from you and they VOLUNTEER to let the other person see where they are, who they are with, etc. In addition, transparency would be sharing inner thoughts and feelings--not keeping them suppressed thinking that they are "protecting" the other person or "preventing them from getting mad." TRANSPARENCY IS SOMETHING YOU DECIDE FOR YOU AND/OR ASK FOR FROM YOUR SPOUSE. 

3) *Controlling* is when you try to make any other person do anything "your way" and that includes doing an action, the way they think or the way they feel. Misapplying a boundary and making it "controlling" would be saying, "You are not allowed to go out partying on weekends" (control) rather than saying "You are free to make your own choices, but I will not accept a partner in my life who disrespects me so much that she abandons me for free time and chooses others" (boundary). It's control if you tell her what she can and can not do...it's a boundary if you let her make up her own mind but you inform her what you will and will not allow in your life. If she tries to make you accept "partying" then she is controlling you. Make sense? CONTROLLING IS SOMETHING YOU TRY TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE DO. 

Now in the instance of an affair, transparency after the affair is over is a REQUIREMENT and here's why. While the affair was ongoing, the disloyal spouse was purposefully and deliberately secretive and hiding the truth from their spouse. [Being secretive is not the same as "privacy" either. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom--or you might say "modesty." Secrecy is when you hide things or are purposefully misleading.] Due to their purposeful and deliberate lying, their loyal spouse no longer trusts the DS's honesty--and rightfully so!! The only way to rebuild trust in honesty is to actually BE HONEST and volunteer to be open enough to show your spouse what you're doing!!

So the loyal spouse must require transparency but the disloyal must offer transparency voluntarily. If the disloyal refuses to be transparent, it is "conceivable" that there were control issues in the marriage...but to be honest 98% of the time it's because the affair is ongoing and more deeply hidden. Speaking as a disloyal who actually DID repent, it definitely did "feel" like my Dear Hubby was snooping on me, but tough titties--that's the price I had to pay for my actions! And I freely offered my PC screen to face TOWARD him, I don't own a cell phone, and we share all emails and passwords. VOLUNTARILY!! 

Anyway...hope this helps.


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