# Recent Marriage, Depressed Wife



## EagerPace (Mar 25, 2011)

I'm completely lost on what to do with my wife, maybe someone here can point me in the right direction. I'm 26, she is 25.

We met almost 5 years ago and dated long distance for a year. She moved in after the first year so we could continue our relationship. We got engaged a little over a year after that. Our engagement lasted almost two years and we were married last spring. 

Up until our marriage, everything was great. I knew she had a history of depression, caused after her parents were divorced 12 years ago, but she seemed to be over it and never brought it up. Just two months after being married, she started acting differently. 

We argued more frequently which occasionally culminated with her hitting me. Should would tell me how unhappy she was, even though we make good money, have a nice house and cars. Most arguments consisted of her telling how I was oblivious to what was going on with her and how I don't pay attention. I told her that when she masks her feelings and tells me that everything is good, I just believed her.

Finally in December, she opened up to me about how bad her depression was starting to get. She said that she felt that way for most of the engagement and felt like the pressure of the wedding masked most of it. She said that she didn't even enjoy the wedding because it was stressful. This made sense to me as she was physically sick the morning of the wedding and the next morning on the way to the airport for our honeymoon.

Six weeks ago, she was let go from her job for "not being enthusiastic enough" about it. I know a large part of that was the fact that she didn't like the guy she worked for, but I'm sure her depression contributed.

Since then, she's been unemployed, has started seeing a therapist and is considering going back to school. However, I'm afraid that all of her new found free time is making things worse since she has no friends, hobbies or nearby family.

The last night, she asked me if I think marrying her was a mistake. I said no and that I love her no matter what. We talked about things for a little bit and she tells me that when we got engaged, she had to stop and think about it and thinks that the reason she said yes was that she didn't want to hurt me. She said the wedding gave her a similar feeling and she thinks she went through with it because she didn't want to hurt me. 

We had talked about the stress the wedding caused for her in the past, but not like this. I never pressured her into marrying me and never knew she felt like this until a few months ago.

I love her more than anything, but I don't know how to handle the situation. I'm a happy person, I'm an ambitious person and I know nothing about depression. To be honest, I'm the kind of person that thinks, "just suck it up." I've learned more about her condition recently and that this isn't how it works. I'm trying to support her with her, learn more about her condition and encourage her to do what her therapist says.

I just don't know what to do with myself. This isn't what I signed up for and I feel like she lied to me about the entire marriage. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. We've been married for less than a year and already I'm not happy. What is it going to be like in 5 or 10? How can we raise children when I have trouble dealing with my wife?

If you made it this far, thank you for your concern. Any advice you have is very much appreciated as I'm not sure that I have the strength to ask for advice from my family and friends right now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The only advice I have is just be careful about how much you try to help her. Depressed people are incredibly toxic. You cannot fix them, or really help them, but they'd like you to think otherwise. They think you have an obligation to fix them. And since you love her of course that is what you want to do- but you cannot do it. The only thing that will happen is that you too will become depressed, as you're experiencing. Dont feel guilty about distancing yourself from her.


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## EagerPace (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you, Blanca. I do feel guilty doing that though because for the majority of our relationship I did believe she was a happy person and someone I would want to spend rest of my life with.

I feel like if I quit right now, then maybe I haven't given things a chance to get better and I gave up before truly committing myself. 

On the other hand, if I continue down the same road with her and things don't get better, I only have myself to blame for ignoring the warning signs.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

EagerPace said:


> I feel like if I quit right now, then maybe I haven't given things a chance to get better and I gave up before truly committing myself.
> 
> On the other hand, if I continue down the same road with her and things don't get better, I only have myself to blame for ignoring the warning signs.


I know what you mean. I am in limbo between these two thoughts myself. You never know what the future will bring and its difficult to quit now if things might get better. 

Since I didnt know what I really wanted, but I knew I couldnt go on being miserable, my approach has been not to leave the relationship completely but simply to emotionally distance myself to the point that I am able to regain my own happiness. That means I take zero responsibility for my H's happiness. I know how that sounds- so heartless, cold, and not what marriage should be. But what was the alternative? Misery.

Dont feel guilty about regaining your happiness and letting her be responsible for her own well-being. You are not abandoning her by any means. You are doing your wife an incredible favor by showing her how to achieve happiness. If you are happy then you are giving her that much of an opportunity to take advantage of being happy. You are not only contributing positivity to the relationship, you'll be showing her how she can achieve it herself- if she wants to. 

If you can manage to distance yourself, which will take time, and truly rid yourself of the guilt then the choice of whether or not to continue in the relationship will come of its own means. You wont have to make the choice because who you are will determine that choice. Let come what will but first find you again.

She needs to be held accountable for the hurtful things she is doing and has said. Especially if she really is being honest about not wanting to marry you. 

Here are some places you can go to help you understand the process: 

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (9780894864025): Melody Beattie: Books

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310221517): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: The Seat of the Soul (9780671695071): Gary Zukav: Books

Good Luck!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She moved in after the first year so we could continue our relationship. We got engaged a little over a year after that. Our engagement lasted almost two years and we were married last spring.


Eager, are you saying that -- after the year of long distance relationship -- you two got along happily for three years? I ask because some of the behavioral traits you are describing are characteristic not of depression but, rather, of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, which often produces depression as a side effect). 

In particular, you mention her physical abuse of you, which is a hallmark of BPD. You note that it has occurred on several occasions. You also mention her claiming that she really did not want to get married but did so only to avoid hurting you. In other words, she is saying that you are to blame for the marriage happening. This attitude of always being the victim (i.e., always refusing to take responsibility for her own actions) is another hallmark of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits). I agree with Bianca that you should hold her fully accountable for her own decisions and actions.

Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, I would expect you to have mentioned temper tantrums and verbal abuse starting about six months after she moved to your area and you began regular (not long distance) dating. You make no mention of that, implying that there were few arguments during that period. This is why I am asking about that three-year period.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Regardless of her diagnosis, it is quite obvious that she did not want to marry you.
I have fought depression for many years. It stemmed from being abused for so long. However, at some point, I took responsibility and fled the abusive environment. I sought therapy and became proactive.
Now that I have married, I am well aware how draining depression can be for others. Even if I am having a bad period, I do NOT let my husband see me crying constantly or moping about in my jammies. I choose to be better, not just for me, but for my marriage.
Your wife MAKES THE CHOICE not to try to heal. She wants to wallow in self pity. I wish that I could have enjoyed a nice wedding and own a home! These spoiled wives are priceless.
She needs to be proactive about her recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EagerPace (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies, this is very helpful.

Blanca, how do I distance myself from her without making things worse? I came home from work yesterday and tried to avoid her for an hour or so to just relax a bit. I made dinner after that and then things back to normal. We went out to the store and watched a movie at home and things were perfectly fine. She was happy and in a good mood. I know that things will be good for a couple weeks now, but then something new will come up.

Uptown, yes, for the most part. I mean, there were some isolated incidents, but it was never frequent enough for me to suspect anything until after the wedding. Looking back, I know they were all part of it, but it wasn't enough to raise a red flag back then. Also not, she didn't just move to my area, she moved in with me - if that makes a difference to you. 

Mrs. G, I feel like she makes a point to bring me into it. I think she realizes that it is a problem with her right now, but I still see her try to blame me for things when she isn't thinking rationally. What else I don't like about it is that it seems like she is always looking up information about her "conditions" and trying to justify her actions.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Uptown, yes, for the most part. I mean, there were some isolated incidents, but it was never frequent enough for me to suspect anything until after the wedding. Looking back, I know they were all part of it, but it wasn't enough to raise a red flag back then.


Eager, if you had three good years that were essentially happy, it is very unlikely that your W has strong BPD traits. I therefore am hopeful that she suffers only from depression (i.e., uni-polar) or bipolar disorder because 80% of those suffering from it are treated very successfully with medication. In contrast, the success rate for BPD traits is very small because it cannot be remedied with a pill and because few BPDers will stay in treatment long enough (many years) to make a difference. Hence, I believe it is very important to be able to distinguish between depression/bipolar traits and BPD traits.

There are several clear differences between the two disorders. Depression and bipolar mood swings come on very slowly because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours (if the BPD sufferer is inner-directed, you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who turns her anger onto herself).

A second difference is that the onset is very different. Whereas the onset of depression or a bipolar change typically develops over two weeks, a BPD change usually occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 15 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. It therefore is important to know whether your W's angry moments are event-triggered or caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. If they are event-triggered, you will have the feeling you are always walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger -- because you will never know what minor comment or action will set her off.

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness you see when a BPD is splitting you black. The difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

A fourth difference is that a unipolar (i.e., depression only) or bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

A fifth difference is that a BPDer does black-white thinking, wherein she classifies everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and she can reclassify a person from one extreme to the other based on some minor infraction. The reason is that there is no middle ground, no gray area between those polar extremes. This is not true of depression and bipolar sufferers.

Yet, despite these five clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion, as I note above, seems to be the fact that many BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. Moreover, all BPD sufferers experience depression quite frequently. This is why I said it is very doubtful your W has strong BPD traits if you had three happy years with her. Finally, I note that I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who lived with a BPDer exW and bipolar foster-son for 15 years.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Uptown said:


> Eager, if you had three good years that were essentially happy, it is very unlikely that your W has strong BPD traits. I therefore am hopeful that she suffers only from depression (i.e., uni-polar) or bipolar disorder because 80% of those suffering from it are treated very successfully with medication. In contrast, the success rate for BPD traits is very small because it cannot be remedied with a pill and because few BPDers will stay in treatment long enough (many years) to make a difference. Hence, I believe it is very important to be able to distinguish between depression/bipolar traits and BPD traits.
> 
> There are several clear differences between the two disorders. Depression and bipolar mood swings come on very slowly because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours (if the BPD sufferer is inner-directed, you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who turns her anger onto herself).
> 
> ...


I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 22. I was in specialized therapy for only a year, before my clinician said that the label no longer fit. Not every "BPDer" is the same. My case was mild and mainly an outgrowth of an abusive childhood, along with a manipulative and controlling partner. 
The bottom line was, I wanted to heal, so I made that choice. I refuse to self injure or attempt suicide, because that is not an effective way to deal with problems. I never had the identity disturbances or the black and white thinking, according to my therapist. After I left the awful man and the chaotic home environment, I was quite well.
We can triumph over anything if we want to! On the last day of therapy, my clinician hugged me with tears in her eyes. She said: "It is almost unheard of for a BPD sufferer to improve so much that they can no longer be called that. Be well, my dear. Remember your intelligence and remember your strength."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

EagerPace said:


> Blanca, how do I distance myself from her without making things worse? I came home from work yesterday and tried to avoid her for an hour or so to just relax a bit. I made dinner after that and then things back to normal. We went out to the store and watched a movie at home and things were perfectly fine. She was happy and in a good mood. I know that things will be good for a couple weeks now, but then something new will come up.


It is hard to do. I was a lot like your wife for a couple years. It took a serious emotional toll on my H. I held him emotionally hostage and he felt he should be able to make me happy. We started working on our boundaries and it was hell at first. I got really mean. He continued to distance himself and eventually I realized what i was doing wasnt working. Hang in there. If things get bad beacuse you are making yourself happy, that is OK.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

wow

Usually I am all..take her to the doctor and help her!

My husband was depressed and we didn't realize it until he was almost comatose. He does really well with meds now. I lived through a lot with him for years until we knew. But we had been married for at least 15 years before the depression started messing things up.

I don't like the idea of abandoning someone you made a lifetime commitment too, but honestly you did not know what you were getting into. If you decide you must save yourself please don't beat yourself up over it. Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in and talk this all ove with?

Your wife has to make real steps toward helping herself so that you can have some peace of mind in this relationship. I feel like you were almost decieved.


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## EagerPace (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you everyone. We had a great weekend and I could tell that she was trying hard to make up for last week's incident. She seemed genuinely happy and I just hope that someday soon it lasts more than a few days. 

The plan is for her to see the doctor once a week right now. I'm optimistic that she will be starting a new job or school in the next couple of months. It will be especially helpful if she can find a better office that will help her hate work less.

My plan for now is to help her work on the suggestions that her doctor gives while trying to help her find things that empower her to be happy for and by herself.


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## allina (Mar 29, 2011)

Hi,

It's very important to think over your relationship with your partner and try to make good relation. For healthy live and future always try to leave together and sport each other. So that she come out to depression. All is depend on your love try to give as much love you can give for that your can get good advice to expert at- Indian Wedding Marriage Planner – Wedding Planning Ideas .

Thanks..


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

This sounds EXACTLY like mine and my husbands problems except ( i'm the one who is depressed. My husband ( according to me) never was there for me correctly the way I wanted) and i feel bad i had to put my depression on him but this is what helped. I finally told him how serious it was and told him i needed him. What helps is him just letting me know he's there ex; he emailed me last night and put hey babe just wanted to let you know i'm here for you and you can talk to me anytime your strong i know you are keep your head up I love you... Little things like that help. Also, he pushed me towards professional help and now things are going better. I know its hard, but stay strong for her.. remember your vows "through THICK and thin" do what it takes to help her do what it takes to be there for her and put your emotional opinions aside as much as you can for now. She needs you depression is a horrible thing and can change people completely as it did me. hug her, kiss her, rub her back, do things that show her you love her very much this will eventually pass and you all will be happy again.


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## NakashimaTaiki (May 30, 2011)

I myself am in a depressed marriage..everytime something goes wrong, it's always my fault, and I remind her what the counselor said about its not my fault or hers..its her illness. I also have frequent arguments because she is always not thinking properly...do I have thoughts of being single again? Certainly...but do I act on them? No....
I see you were like me....long distance dating for a year, and then we got together sometime in that year and settled with our own place..of course, this is where mine differs...i myself had a case of depression from being locked in my basement of my gram's house and being controlled by them...
now of course, my wife was also being mistreated, so this is one reason why we moved in together...

we had everything together until I lost my job...had to start relying on mother again...

we're both going to college, but with her learning disability, she is failing one class due to the school not working with disabilities.. but through it all, I have had patience, though she seems lately to find flaws in every thing that I am....
people encourage her too.....she says that she was always thinking these thoughts, but it took other people to bring them out...well, after that, it made me feel like less of a husband, and n the process, lost myself...i gave up everything, because i didn't know what to do....

my biggest flaws according to others, is I love to talk...too much...i play video games all the time, and im an ******* to people...which is totally untrue....

Until recently though, her councelor told us that she is not to make fun of my singing anymore, and she can't make fun of me dancing around the house or whatever else I do...that I should concentrate on me first...sicne always taking care of her needs neglects my own...

also, i encouraged her to allow me to be part of her counseling sessions from now on....that way, I can say what I feel and she can hear it as well as vice versa...

My wife also acted differently after marriage...we been married since August...on our wedding weekend, she had a so called affair.....which only happened in her mind...supposedly..but yet, she flirts with other guys on facebook....all because he counselor said that her depression makes her believe everything is not ok with me...that I AM THE ENEMY...which is only the depression talking...

my wife and I had that same talk too....about how was it worth marrying each other? Could we do better? Also, she knows, and she confessed that, her depression hurts me the most....she feels that way....

she does tell me she only married me because of our child too....yet she loves me....and i can tell...but its hard.....how can i tell whats real and whats not? that is what you are going through, my friend...you know her better than anyone...and you can't help them by pushing them...you gotta help by just being patient and forgiving....

I mean, yea, do you honestly know how many times I have had to stand up for her when she couldnt? Alot...and I also agree with Blanca...you will become depressed if you try to help her too much....

Look, friend, I barely get romance, love making, or anything like that....aside when she wants to...am I unhappy? Yes, but they way I take care of it is occupy it with something else...I take care of me..hell last night, my wife encouraged me to get out more....so I went clubbing..alone..forgot all about my woes, and just danced....not many others were dancing, but I still danced....why? Cuz I felt like it....and that is what you shoudl do too...do what you feel like...love urself first...

Just make yoruself happy, and know she truly loves you, or she would've left along time ago....

if you need an additional resource, try mort fertel's marriage program..it is an amazing resource and a book called how to really love the one your with by larry james...great book will teach you that by loving yourself first, you begin to love her more too...

blessed be my friend...


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