# Not like it used to be



## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Ok, so, here’s the basics. DH and I have been married for 14 years, together for almost 19. For the last, I’d say two and half years, he’s had some medical problems that have made sex difficult—he was in a lot of pain, tired a lot, and then he ended up with seizures and was diagnosed with Epilepsy a year ago. There were the standard medication issues. To take the, um, pressure off of him to preform I kind of took care of things myself, which was kind of fun when we did that together and I could take care of him at the same time if he was interested.

He’s about 80% better, has more energy, in way less pain, and he’s on different medications without the side effects and as of about the last four months wants more sexual activity—which I am thrilled about. Only, we’re having a difficult time getting back in tune with each other. I feel like we are teenagers again. He finishes way too fast. We kind of have this awkward moment of staring at each other where he knows I didn’t finish—and I totally refuse to fake it. Sometimes he’ll help me get there when he’s done, but most of the time he won’t. He lies on the bed, wraps an arm around me and goes to sleep. He seems to have forgotten the importance of foreplay for me. I am not sure how else to describe it. He’s gone into insert tab A into slot B and hoping that will get it done when it’s never been that simple before.

I have tried talking to him about it, but he refuses to do it. He wants us to be back to where we were, and I am of the idea that it is going to take time AND communication to do that. I think his biggest issue is he’s embarrassed. I don’t know how to help him with this and I don’t know how to get him to talk to me.

I guess one more issue to add to the mix is I have an anxiety disorder and when I get stressed I can have what we call a meltdown which can cause me to have an asthma attack. Before he had all these health issues he was great at helping me handle them, but I had one of my attacks after his diagnose of Epilepsy and it sent him into a seizure. I now go off by myself when I know I am in a situation that could cause me to have a meltdown because I am terrified of causing him to have a seizure.

Could that be contributing to the problem? Could I be being over helpful and just need to give him more time to work himself out? Should I push him to talk to me? Help, I am getting slightly frustrated because when the “magic” doesn’t happen the way it used to happen he’s grouchy for a day or two afterwards which just makes everyone in the house miserable and worried he’s going to stress himself into another seizure—stress is one of his major seizure triggers. 

How do I help him with this?

Thanks


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't see the problem with you insisting he take care of you first, either orally or manually, before getting off himself. Maybe you get to a point where he lasts longer and you get off by intercourse but don't let him leave you hanging.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Wait a minute. H is sick for 2-1/2 years, during which time W takes care of herself and him if he was interested. Now his health is returning, and we're jumping on him after just a few months for finishing too fast and advising W to insist that he take care of her first?

That's cold. How about some patience and encouragement for the guy?


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

This is really bothering him even though he won't say it out loud. I know some time and patience will help, but as of yet he's unwilling to talk about it. That I can even handle if I was sure he just needed more time to work himself out so that he is able to talk to me about it. 

I don't want to keep trying and for him to keep, for lack of better terms, failing.That will cause a whole new set of of issues at some point. I think its wonderful that he's interested again AND initiating. I don't want to discourage it. I think faking it is dishonest and also causes its own problems later on. I am not expecting fireworks or magic yet. He's been really sick. Recovery and healing takes time. I want him to be able to listen to his body and do what its telling him he needs to do--as in falling asleep right after just maybe something he needs to do vrs doing on purpose because he's being a jerk. I honestly don't think that's the case.

In this situation I feel I must be as understanding as humanly possible if we are to ever get back to something close to where we were. But I also don't think there is going to be any forward progress if he continues to refuse to talk to me.

Any ideas on how to get him to open up? How to help him through the embarrassment he's probably feeling? Should I wait longer before I push him to talk to me?

We could talk about sex and issues either of us were having before. I just want to help him however I can. He's a wonderful man and I am very proud of him for all he's been able to do already. I am also worried about the mental side of this. He's always been a high achiever and can be very hard on himself if he doesn't think he's reaching his maximum performance level in everything.

I feel like if I could just find the right words or something to get him to talk, then this too shall pass--even if it ends up taking another two and half years.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

If he's embarrassed to have a "talk" about it, can you try some gentle encouragement during sex and tell/show him what you want?

"I love it when you kiss my ...."

"Would you touch my .... ?"

That kind of thing. Or just move his hands or whatever where you want him to focus. Force him in the most sweet and gentle way to give you some foreplay and attention before he gets down to business. If he wants to "insert tab a into slot b" before you are ready, redirect him. Tell him that you want to slow things down and enjoy each other. Try to make it fun and enjoyable rather than a really uncomfortable talk where he has to admit that he is not pleasing his wife.


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

I will try that and see if it helps. Thank you.


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