# Is he attracted to me?



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think my H is not attracted to me, but part of me thinks im wrong. so i wanted to know what y'all think. Keep in mind that our relationship is good (right now. was not always the case) other then this issue. He's very sweet. He buys me flowers every week, takes me on surprise vacations, or just surprises me with something fun he knows i like. He cooks, cleans, and is very supportive. 

Im 27 he's 28. We met when we were about 23. Im his first everything but I'd dated a lot before him. He had a bad addiction to porn but hasnt looked at it in about a year. 

Here are the big things that make me think he's not attracted to me: He always just wants to cuddle and "kissey," as he calls it, but there's no passion. He has never once gotten turned on by me when we are in the shower together. He has never once gotten turned on if i am naked in front of him. He can only keep an erection if he's constantly rubbing himself but if he touches me, he'll lose it. I dont try to initiate sex because he says it just stresses him out because he's afraid he wont be able to perform. We have sex maybe once a week and its only when he's already turned on. If he's sitting on the couch I can straddle him and i get no response. NOTHING i do turns him on. I used to wear all kinds of lingerie but it did, and still does nothing. I used to dress the way he likes (skirts, heels, tight shirts) but i stopped b/c one, i felt like a sl*t and two, he'd see a shirt i wore the day before and say, "Why dont you ever wear this?" This has happened a couple of times. So of course after i cried I realized he doesnt even look at me. 

I tell him he's not attracted to me and he says he is. He tells me im pretty and beautiful all the time but he never complements anything in particular. I have been with guys that are attracted to me and this is not it. I feel asexual around him. I feel like he wants me around for some comfort toy that he can 'cuddle' with. I need to know what you guys think. this is driving me nuts and with him constantly telling me im wrong i think maybe its just all in my head. Maybe its just because we've been together for awhile, or maybe its the porn. but mostly i think its just me. what do you guys think?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Does he ever initiate sex or are you the only one initiating?


he always initiates it. i used to initiate it but i got burned so many times that im not going to do that anymore. he once told me that he resented me for initiating. 



mommy22 said:


> Is the revealing clothing something he wants you to wear at home or out in public? I think once men are accustomed to looking at porn, they require more to get them aroused. It's nothing to do with you, but he has to constantly up the ante.


He wants me to wear it in public. He did say once that he used to look at 'hard' porn and so it takes a lot to turn him on. but i thought since its been a year things would be better.



mommy22 said:


> has he had fetishes in the past that he's wanted you to fulfill that made you uncomfortable?


No. In fact, its always been the other way around. I would suggest something and he'd just give me a look like i asked him to eat roaches or something. Once I shared a fantasy and he actually laughed at me  so that was the last time i did that. 



mommy22 said:


> If he struggles with the emotional detachment, it could be why he has difficulty in this area. It would also explain the previous porn addiction.


I guess I hadnt thought about this. Maybe because i dont understand it at all.

I just wanted to add that when he initiates, its only at night when he just gets hard. its never because he see's me, or from touching me. He'll just be laying there, start rubbing himself, and then say "so you wanna have sex." that's usually how it goes.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I watch porn (it's all I got now  )...the xgf would also but only when with me (50/50 she'd pick out a DVD). We never finished a movie!  

But it didn't affect my ability to get an erection. Porn is something I used when I had no one with me. 

When she was around, I'd always want her. I wanted her when she wasn't, too.  But when physically together, I wasn't interested in porn (unless she wanted something to get us started - not at all frequently). 

Blanca, I think your H should see a doctor or therapist. I can't imagine someone NOT reacting to the things you do. 

Send me some nude pix and I'll tell you if he's got a problem.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Oh ya he's really insecure. especially since i threatened to leave him multiple times in the past. 

another thing that makes me think he's not attracted to me: awhile back he had a dream about this girl he liked in college. He said it was me but i was in her body. he never has dreams about me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dcrim said:


> I can't imagine someone NOT reacting to the things you do.


Thank you that is my exact feelings. he is seeing a therapist currently. sometimes i wonder if he'd act this way with any girl.



dcrim said:


> Send me some nude pix and I'll tell you if he's got a problem.


:rofl:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

He said it was YOU in HER body?!? WTF does that mean? That's remark makes no sense!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dcrim said:


> He said it was YOU in HER body?!? WTF does that mean? That's remark makes no sense!


Ya, that was my first reaction after just utter humiliation. he said it was my personality, or something. 

FYI- Im 5'7, 125lbs, and in good shape.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I don't know what to tell you, girl. At least you're getting more action than someone else on these forums.  

I don't understand why he would be like that. I'd be all over you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dcrim said:


> I don't know what to tell you, girl. At least you're getting more action than someone else on these forums.
> 
> I don't understand why he would be like that. I'd be all over you!


haha thanks. what i really want to know though, is do you think he's not attracted to me? i mean, does the dream say it all??? am i just being daft?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim;61196
Send me some nude pix and I'll tell you if he's got a problem. :) :)[/QUOTE said:


> :lol:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds abnormal to me, but I'm not exactly experienced in this area. At first I thought maybe he was gay, based on what you said. And maybe he is, which is why he needed "hard core" porn to get aroused in the first place? Just a thought. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> At first I thought maybe he was gay, based on what you said. And maybe he is, which is why he needed "hard core" porn to get aroused in the first place?


I have actually seriously considered this. I have a brother who is gay and my H has said some really off-handed things about him. He used to talk about him all the time. Once when my H and I were in the car and a commercial came on the radio and it was describing some personality traits, it said something like, "think of someone that is....". i wish i could remember the exact wording but while the commercial made me think about my H, my H says "hey like your brother." WTF?? this was years ago but it was sooooo bizarre that i'll never forget it.

i have asked him outright if he's gay. im sure that was great for his ego. he said no. 

And another thing: when my H and I are together he always thinks guys are looking at him. He never thinks the guys are looking at me. that just tells me he's not attracted to me! 

god maybe he is gay. that'd just be freakin' awesome :banghead:

but actually i think he's really attracted to sl*ts, and asian girls. he says he hates asians, that they are really ugly (he's asian) but i think its just some kind of repressed psychological thing. 

Id just really like to know. If i know i can make a decision. If i dont know im in limbo land playing the "Who the H*LL did you really marry" game.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I think that if he's not attracted to you, he'd be gone. Obviously something's there. But, DANG, why doesn't "want" you??

Still looking for those pix!


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I'd vote for getting him to see a doctor for ED, even though he's pretty young for that.

From what I've read about you, Blanca, I can't imagine it's really you.

My experience with porn matches dcrim's. Looking at porn hasn't affected my ability to become aroused by the real thing. At 40, my response is still as reliable as ever.

Gay? I don't have enough experience with that to have an opinion. But if he is...could he be denying it himself?


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I just wanted to add that when he initiates, its only at night when he just gets hard. its never because he see's me, or from touching me. He'll just be laying there, start rubbing himself, and then say "so you wanna have sex." that's usually how it goes.


I think it's simply that he's suffering from performance anxiety.

Was the first, or first few times when you got together unsuccessful by any chance?

If it's performance anxiety, it's going to require quite some gentle treatment from you. The second he feels any pressure to perform, it's going to kick in and he's going to fail.

I think you have a few options. All of them are centred around removing the necessity for him to "perform". You could start by saying that we're going to have sex, but I don't want you to actually penetrate. We're just going to have pleasure. I think that after a while of doing that, he's going to want to "do it" himself.

I don't think there's any physical reason here - it's purely psychological. Because of this, he may be a candidate for some temporary use of the little blue pill. Not because he physically has to - it could almost be a placebo, but it will also take away the responsibility to perform. Again, I think that after a while of doing this - and especially when he realises that you're fully "on board" with dealing with the "little issue", he'll relax and it'll start to happen naturally. 
Obviously, you know that the very worst thing you can do is to put any kind of pressure on him.

Lastly, I definitely don't think for a second it's you. The thing about "I used to watch hard porn, so it takes a little more to 'get me going'" is bogus as you know.

Good luck. Sorry you're going through this, but I truly think it's fixable with a little understanding.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

BTW, those little blue pills are often available from your doctor as samples. 

A prescription was NOT covered by my insurance so I kept asking for more samples. He was happy to give them to me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SaxonMan said:


> If it's performance anxiety, it's going to require quite some gentle treatment from you. The second he feels any pressure to perform, it's going to kick in and he's going to fail.


This is just so weird to me. I had no idea guys had performance anxiety. i mean, id heard of it but in my head i think if a guy has performance anxiety its b/c he's not really interested in the girl. 



SaxonMan said:


> I don't think there's any physical reason here - it's purely psychological. Because of this, he may be a candidate for some temporary use of the little blue pill.


well, he'd never take meds and i wouldnt want him to. but i do think its psychological, too. we were talking yesterday and he said that he thinks sex is bad. he was raised very religious and i think all his issues with having to hide the porn just reemphasized in his head that sex was bad. and i know some of it is that he doesnt want to treat me like porn so he has a hard time wanting to do anything with me. 



SaxonMan said:


> Lastly, I definitely don't think for a second it's you. The thing about "I used to watch hard porn, so it takes a little more to 'get me going'" is bogus as you know.


actually i didnt know that so that's new to me. 

i think what it is is he doesnt know what to do with me. he's never been with a girl before, and has only pleased himself with porn. so he doesnt know how to interact. he just knows how to please himself and he gets no enjoyment out of pleasing someone else.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i think what it is is he doesnt know what to do with me. he's never been with a girl before, and has only pleased himself with porn. so he doesnt know how to interact. he just knows how to please himself and he gets no enjoyment out of pleasing someone else.


If this is close to true, and he does want sex with you...then I'd say it isn't that he gets no enjoyment out of pleasing someone else...but that he's scared to death of failing to please you.

In society, men are supposed to just "know what to do". Well...it doesn't work that way. And that's where "performance anxiety" comes from...a failure to perform because of a fear of performing poorly. 

That's where you have to be careful, and treat him with gentleness, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> If this is close to true, and he does want sex with you...then I'd say it isn't that he gets no enjoyment out of pleasing someone else...but that he's scared to death of failing to please you.
> 
> In society, men are supposed to just "know what to do". Well...it doesn't work that way. And that's where "performance anxiety" comes from...a failure to perform because of a fear of performing poorly.
> 
> That's where you have to be careful, and treat him with gentleness, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.


If its really the case that its performance anxiety (which is so weird to me) then he'll have to figure it out on his own. I know this may sound harsh, but im not interested in fixing his issues. Ive spent the last three years of this relationship trying to understand him and help him and i was just humiliated and resentful towards him. Im really only interested in knowing if he's not attracted to me b/c then there's no way im staying in the relationship. but if its performance anxiety, thats something he can overcome.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Blanca said:


> If its really the case that its performance anxiety (which is so weird to me) then he'll have to figure it out on his own. I know this may sound harsh, but im not interested in fixing his issues.


That stance/opinion will only make it worse, if it is indeed performance anxiety.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca-

I'm a big fan of yours, but you're being really tough now...



Blanca said:


> If its really the case that its performance anxiety (which is so weird to me) then he'll have to figure it out on his own.


I had this issue once. If my wife had displayed this attitude, I would have left.



Blanca said:


> but if its performance anxiety, thats something he can overcome.


You are using the *word *performance anxiety without thinking of the meaning. What it means is that whenever he thinks about sex with you, he worries that he wont be able to perform. This fear causes the smooth muscle in the penis to contract, and prevents erection, as erection can only take place when the smooth muscle is relaxed.

Thus he can feel attraction and fear at the same time. If he can read your unkind thought through you expression - such as "then he'll have to figure it out on his own.", he will be far too nervous to get an erection. 




SaxonMan said:


> *If it's performance anxiety, it's going to require quite some gentle treatment from you.* The second he feels any pressure to perform, it's going to kick in and he's going to fail.


Tenderness is the only thing that is going to work in a hurry. Sensitive men have to feel loved and wanted in order to get erect.

Block-head types don't care what the women is thinking...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I don't blame Blanca. They've know each other 5 years and 3 of those have been problems. I'd say let him figure it out and move on. 

Kind of makes me wonder about the wedding night.  If that was "good" (was it?), then he developed problems of some kind. Maybe he needs to see a counselor for whatever it is. I'd give him that time, but if he didn't go, bye bye.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

Well I guess gay would be a possibility. I was thinking more along the lines of years of porn and pleasuring himself is the only way he can get off. 
A year should have made things a little better. But if you can't get him to open up to what he likes and how he likes to be pleasured it would be hard to recondition him. 
I would definately say the problem is not that he is not attracted to you though.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I don't think it's performance anxiety. If it were, he'd get turned on by the things you do (and certainly be receptive to you doing things to him) even if he couldn't do much himself or lost his erection. I'd throw that theory out the window.

Here are the options I think are possible:

1 - He's gay,

2 - He's got serious erectile dysfunction (but is too ashamed to say so and see doctor about it),

3 - He's gay,

4 - He's got some outrageous fetish without which he can't get turned on and perform and he hasn't told you what it is (or it is the porn and without watching porn, he can't do it ... have you tried putting in a porn film and doing it with him while watching? Not a long-term solution, but would explore this possibility. If, in fact, he can't do it without the porn, then it's up to you to leave him and his porn and move on to a man that can interact sexually,

5 - He's gay

I think it's farfetched that it's about being attracted to you. I mean, he may not be attracted to you, but that would not be ABOUT you ... it would be about his issues. Even if you were a bit of a dog (as in ugly), the average man would have a bit of a reaction if a woman got all sexy and rubbed up on him. And you aren't a dog (you know that). So ... you are attractive. He may not be attracted to you because the boy's got problems.

Question ... does he do things to you sexually outside of intercourse? How's the kissing? How's the oral sex (both ways)? Is the sex pleasable and satisfactory for you when it does happen?



> Well I guess gay would be a possibility. I was thinking more along the lines of years of porn and pleasuring himself is the only way he can get off.


But, let's not confuse "getting off" and getting "turned on". She's saying he's not even getting turned on. And that's strange even for a porn addict, so either it's something else or his addiction is almost beyond rehabilitation.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Question ... does he do things to you sexually outside of intercourse? How's the kissing? How's the oral sex (both ways)? Is the sex pleasable and satisfactory for you when it does happen?


everything outside of intercourse is virtually non-existent. kissing is ok sometimes but he has really bad breath a lot of times. he's had three root canals this year. so i dont really like to kiss him that much anymore. 

awhile back i looked up sex help and came across some stuff on oprahs website. it was a body chart that each spouse filled out for the other person to say the order their spouse likes things done to them, and what those things are. so i asked him if he wanted to do it and he said yes. we filled it out. of course he got every single one of mine wrong and i got every single one of his right. he says, "how did you know?!?" dude! we've been together for years now. 

On our two-year anniversary night (may 14th of this year), we stayed at some fancy hotel. after we had gone swimming we came back and took a shower. i changed into a sexy red lingerie outfit while he took a shower and I was waiting for him in bed. He came out, saw me and did NOTHING. well, not nothing. he started to kiss me, got erect, kissed me some more, lost his erection and then he went to sleep. He didnt touch me, and he hardly looked at me the rest of the time. the next morning he got up and got dressed without even looking at me. i was, once again, humiliated. 

soooo...a few nights ago i woke him up in the middle of the night by kissing him all over. i thought since it might be anxiety that he would be more relaxed. i kissed him and he actually got turned on. i was shocked. normally i would not do that b/c i get no response out of him and i just get frustrated. so i ended up jacking him off. it was good for him and i enjoyed it.

Here's my problem: he doesnt feel any need to please me. He knows what i like. he NEVER does it. im not saying he needed to please me right then, but sometime would be nice. 

last night he wants sex. it was the usually he got a boner and rolled over and started humping my leg. wonderful. ive told him a million times i feel like he's a dog when he does that. i stopped him and said, "this isnt going to be enjoyable for either of us because im not going to orgasm and you will just get frustrated." so he asked me, "what can i do to get you turned on." OMG. i told him im not going to tell you again b/c ive told him a million times. 

he doesnt enjoy turning me on. its like work to him. he'll only ask me when he's horney and wants some. but he knows what i like. ive told him a million times. he just doesnt care. 

I understand those who are saying my attitude about just letting him deal with his own anxiety issues is going to make things harder. but truth is it might make it harder for him, but not for me. and at this point, as selfish as it sounds, that's all i care about right now. i have tried and tried and im tired of being humiliated and busting my brains to find a solution to HIS problem. i have told him what i like, what he can do, and he continually ignores me and approaches me in the same way he has for YEARS. Like *drim* said, ive known my H for years and he is content to let me solve the problems in this relationship. Not gonna happen anymore.

BUT if he does start making an effort, or should i say a different effort, i will be all for it. he has a sex book on his bed table that he never reads, he never looks up sex help on the internet. once he starts trying i will be all with him and i will certainly jump on board. until then, im not going to have bad sex anymore.


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

maybe he is a bisexual. gay is different from a bisexual person.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well he says he's neither. i think he's just not attracted to me. the other day he said, "i feel more attracted to you. have you been working out?" OK- i dont think he could have made it any more clear.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> well he says he's neither. i think he's just not attracted to me. the other day he said, "i feel more attracted to you. have you been working out?" OK- i dont think he could have made it any more clear.


I know you husband's way of putting things is not ideal, but have you noticed that no matter what he comes out with, you put him down? Maybe your conditioning and his conditioning is banning together - and not in a good way.


In fact the more I think about it, the more I feel that what comes across is that you are both insensitive to each other:

You don't care to cushion his nervousness.
and
He fails to make you feel cherished.

Why not try taking a deep breath and trying again with a fresh start? All that's happening at the moment is that you're going in circles.


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

If he will not open up to you his problem then you will just confuse yourself more. try to have a heart to heart talk with him and if doesnt work maybe try to scare him that you will leave him if he will not admit that there is something wrong. communication is the best solution. goodluck.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Id just really like to know. If i know i can make a decision. If i dont know im in limbo land playing the "Who the H*LL did you really marry" game.


Oh I HATE that game!! My ex was the same way, I never felt like I did it for him... he'd tell me I was beautiful, but I never felt sexy to him...he also had a problem with porn. It was very frustrating!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You don't care to cushion his nervousness.
> and He fails to make you feel cherished.


I dont think its that i dont care to cushion his anxieties. I have literally spent years trying to understand him, to help him, to improve things and I am just exhausted. If he does have performance anxieties, its not that i dont care, its that he needs to learn to help himself. If he wants to learn about his anxieties and communicate to me what I can do to help him, by all means i will. but he does nothing to help himself. Trying to solve his problems has gotten me nothing but misery so im not doing that anymore. He needs to learn to help himself. i need to do things that make me happy. 

BUT

I asked my H if he thinks im insensitive about his performance anxieties and he said yes. He said he thinks im insensitive because i think its about me and that it has nothing to do with me.

what he doesnt realize is that if things dont change then it really will have nothing to do with me anymore.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

agatha said:


> If he will not open up to you his problem then you will just confuse yourself more.


YES!!! that's exactly what i am saying. I dont know if his problem is anxiety so if i try and guess (like i have done for years) I will be doing all the work and it might not even be whats going on and i'll end up confused, hurt, and resentful. that's exactly what i have been doing for years; guessing at what's wrong with him and doing all the work to try and fix it. I end up miserable and he doesnt understand why im so upset.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> Oh I HATE that game!! My ex was the same way, I never felt like I did it for him... he'd tell me I was beautiful, but I never felt sexy to him...he also had a problem with porn. It was very frustrating!!


ya, it really is. why'd you leave? was it b/c of this? would you ask your exe what was wrong? would he say "nothing"?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Blanca, I just don't get it, either. 

If you loved someone enough to marry them, why the sudden loss of sex drive? 

Like a certain other person on this forum, I just don't get why any man would turn off of his woman. 

I'd be all over her as often as I could!  If the sex is good, why give it up? Gay or not, is there a possibility of someone else? 

Any signs he's being more careful of his dressing? His cologne? His hair?


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

I believe it is performance anxiety myself having read all the posts & one can be left feeling unattractive when there partner doesnt respond to the pre- sex advances Lingere etc but if you think about it those moments that yes leave you feeling as though somethings wrong with you questioning attraction also are moments that would lead to sex aka performance anxiety .. so his avoidance all together can lead to your confusion and questions about yourself ...

 It sounds like you are already too frustrated with him now though to seek and work on getting answers .. you have taken it in as some kind of direct hit to yourself... Understandable .. but I think I would seek and try one more time to find out if it is performance anxiety before I gave up.. it could turn everything around knowing what steps to take in resloving it... Hopefully you havent gave up on him completely.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

wow - this sounds like my hubby two years ago. We kind of ignored the problem, hoping it would go away. It didn't. Now he's leaving. 

This would have made a HUGE difference to us back then - look at it again...

In fact the more I think about it, the more I feel that what comes across is that you are both insensitive to each other:

You don't care to cushion his nervousness.
and
He fails to make you feel cherished.

Why not try taking a deep breath and trying again with a fresh start? All that's happening at the moment is that you're going in circles.


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

SaxonMan said:


> I think it's simply that he's suffering from performance anxiety.


I agree with that reply 100%. I dont know why its so hard for some women to understand why a man would have performance anxiety. I guess you'd have to be a man to understand it completely, but basically the man knows that if his "manhood" doesn't work properly or if he gets nervous about orgasming too soon, then penetrating sex isnt possible. This puts some pressure on him (pressure that a female never has to experience). If he has errection problems and you aren't gentle with him about it, then it can cause him to get into a sexual "slump" where he is so worried that the next time he has sex he will have problems again which will be embarrasing to him. 

If his problem is performance anxiety (and thats exactly what it sounds like to me) then he might be too embarrased to talk about it, but believe me, nobody is more upset about it than he is. Several things can cause a man to lose or not achieve an errection (being uncomfortable, performance anxiety, being tired, and several medical reasons just to name a few). His lack of performance most likely has nothing to do with his attraction to you. As stated before, be gentle with him.. Take away the pressure to perform and help him build confidence. Try to think of ways to make sex fun & good for both of you without putting any pressure on him to perform. After a few times with no pressure, he will most likely come around on his own.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dcrim said:


> If you loved someone enough to marry them, why the sudden loss of sex drive?
> 
> ...is there a possibility of someone else?
> 
> Any signs he's being more careful of his dressing? His cologne? His hair?


it wasnt really a sudden loss. it was gradual and then he left for college while i stayed in my home town and worked. when he finished school we moved states together. that's when it just stopped- it stopped after two or three months of being together. our sex life has been miserable up to now- three or four years later. 

I really dont think there's someone else. he doesnt pay attention to his dress or anything- i have to ask him to brush his teeth a lot. I have to ask him not to wear his shirts that have holes in them. sometimes he wont shower very often. he's not working out very much. He loves basketball but no one plays around here so he's depressed about that. If anything ive started to notice how very bored and depressed he is.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Lavender said:


> I think I would seek and try one more time to find out if it is performance anxiety before I gave up.. it could turn everything around knowing what steps to take in resloving it... Hopefully you havent gave up on him completely.[/COLOR]


that's true it could, but that's is what ive tried numerous times in the past. it hasnt gotten me anywhere. insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. 

and he actually does cherish me. aside from this issue with the sex we have a good relationship now. we've both worked hard to get our emotions under control and learn to talk to each other. he does a lot of little things for me all the time.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Blanca said:


> ya, it really is. why'd you leave? was it b/c of this? would you ask your exe what was wrong? would he say "nothing"?


I left because of his drinking problem and that mixed with the no sex life... I just knew I could find someone that made me happy and that I could trust. 
He was just sooo not into sex... before I found all the porn (hours per day) i thought he was just really prude... I'd offer to try toys, watch videos, try new things and it was like talking to a brick wall- I'd tell him he was wonderful when I did initiate it..trying to get his confidence up, but it did nothing... he never was into it... :scratchhead: I can't really offer advice, but I do know how you feel and can sympathize...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> and he actually does cherish me. aside from this issue with the sex we have a good relationship now. we've both worked hard to get our emotions under control and learn to talk to each other. he does a lot of little things for me all the time.


In that case, it sounds like he's trying harder than you. If he need sensitivity and you just won't give it - he will probably never easily get erect with you. It sounds like pride to me.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Has he talked to anyone about possible depression issues? Depression wreaked havoc on my husband and our relationship, and now that he is on meds and in therapy, our relationship and our sex life is awesome!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> In that case, it sounds like he's trying harder than you. If he need sensitivity and you just won't give it - he will probably never easily get erect with you. It sounds like pride to me.


i was actually thinking about this the other day- him trying harder then me. i think it is true. i think the balance has shifted now; before i used to be the one trying all the time and now i notice that he's doing things all the time and im not really doing anything. so ya, i have noticed that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Has he talked to anyone about possible depression issues? Depression wreaked havoc on my husband and our relationship, and now that he is on meds and in therapy, our relationship and our sex life is awesome!


he is talking to a counselor about his anger problem, which of course is a form of depression. im starting to think more and more that this is the issue. we talked the other night and he got really upset and then completely shut down on me. I think he's miserable.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> i was actually thinking about this the other day- him trying harder then me. i think it is true. i think the balance has shifted now; before i used to be the one trying all the time and now i notice that he's doing things all the time and im not really doing anything. so ya, i have noticed that.


And you know my recipe for that: Are You Out Of Sync?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> And you know my recipe for that: Are You Out Of Sync?


well we're more in sync now then we've ever been. we dont have horrible fights anymore and im starting to really understand him. i was just wondering if he was attracted to me and i guess the verdict is that he is. i still kind of think he's not, but i guess it might be something we can fix. our sex life is definitely better then it was a year ago.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> our sex life is definitely better then it was a year ago.


In that case you can build on that, and so that next year, you will be saying it again: "our sex life is definitely better then it was a year ago"

You also said in another thread, that he asks for hugs, and you have a hard time giving them to him. Perhaps you could move on this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> In that case you can build on that, and so that next year, you will be saying it again: "our sex life is definitely better then it was a year ago"


ya i know. its just sometimes i get so frustrated. i always thought sex would be the easiest part of a relationship. i had no idea a guy could be so emotional about it. 



MarkTwain said:


> You also said in another thread, that he asks for hugs, and you have a hard time giving them to him. Perhaps you could move on this?


Ok. this is kind of a complicated thing. i dont hug him more often for a couple of reasons. probably the biggest one is it is soooooo frustrating for me. when i hug him, i get turned on. but to him, its just a nice hug. just today we were playing around and i was hugging him and kissing him and i got turned on. so now im frustrated- and disappointed. he doestn get turned on. its more of an emotional thing for him-which is so frustrating for me. its complicated.


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