# Bad Sex Leads to No Sex



## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

Earlier today, my husband and I had a couple of arguments; now that he's at work and I'm left at home upset about our fights and looking for solutions, I figured I would seek out some advice with my fellow married folk. 

One of our foremost problems, and one that, unfortunately, is discussed the least, is my lack of satisfaction in our sex life. 
When we had first started dating, we typically had sex a few times a day, whenever we could manage it. Soon after we got married, however, I realized how little pleasure I derived from our sex acts. 

Initially, I continued to have sex with my husband fairly regularly; but none of it was enjoyable. Actual intercourse is usually painful for me, as my husband is a fan of fast and hard techniques. When he does attempt to please me, orally or manually, absolutely none of it feels good, or gets me the least bit aroused.

I've been looking for answers online, and I don't think I have low libido. I do want sex. I want wonderful, hot, passionate sex. But is sex with my husband ever wonderful? Definitely not. Perhaps it is hot and passionate, on his part, but personally, sex for me means staring at the ceiling until my husband is satisfied and I can move on with my day.

I love my husband very much. He is an incredible man. And, might I add, a very attractive man as well. But perhaps he is not such a great lover.

We've had SO much sex (most of it while we were still dating). In all that time, he has probably brought me to orgasm about four times. He, on the other hand, orgasms from three to six times per session. I've essentially stopped sleeping with him. I don't want a sexual relationship that is entirely one-sided. I fee l that it is not fair for only one of us to enjoy sex when both of us crave sexual satisfaction, in my opinion. 

I would like to receive any advice you all might have to offer. 
Honestly, I'm desperate for better sex. 

A Navy Wife


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you told him how you like to be touched, what kind of sex you want, and how to give you orgasms? Have you been initiating the kind of sex you want?

If he's not a good lover, you have to help him become one.

Have you told him why you aren't having sex with him?


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

Hi usnwife...You sound like me early in our marriage...I think sometimes I even counted the strokes until he was done...Have you ever tried walking around naked for a bit in sexual preparation for what you will do...Have him do the same if you want to...Or watch some porn...Then have him orally or manually arouse you vaginally...Don't have him stop until you are on your way...When you get there then hurry him up to get inside you...It's important that you get aroused as you are the hurting puppy...Think dirty...Early in the day go without panties on or things that will awaken you...Have him give you a body massage...Start at the back and move forward...Take your time...oo...Have him cut out the fast and hard thrusting...That hurts and he may be hitting your cervix....There are so many things you can do to help yourself, but he must help you to...

IMO, if you adored him then you should be able to make this work and have a great sex life....I know, you see I married this Navy man 56 years ago this November and it is still hot......My best to you...Caroline....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good morning unswife
Do you think the issue is that he doesn't care about pleasing you?, doesn't know how to please you, or is physically unable to please you?

The solutions to these are very different.


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## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

norajane said:


> Have you told him how you like to be touched, what kind of sex you want, and how to give you orgasms? Have you been initiating the kind of sex you want?
> 
> If he's not a good lover, you have to help him become one.
> 
> Have you told him why you aren't having sex with him?



I have tried to tell him how to touch me, how to help me get there. I know I can't just be like "I'm not feeling it, it's your fault, get better at it." So far we haven't had much success, even with my guiding him. I have told him why I haven't been having sex with him, but when I did he seemed dumbstruck, and rather angry. I kind of got tired of being so hopeful every time, only to be disappointed. I know I have to keep at it, but right now I don't feel like he's putting as much effort into it as I am.


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## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good morning unswife
> Do you think the issue is that he doesn't care about pleasing you?, doesn't know how to please you, or is physically unable to please you?
> 
> The solutions to these are very different.


Good morning! 

I believe he genuinely wants to please me, but has no idea how. I think the main problem at the moment is that he doesn't know what to do, so he's not attempting to do anything at all.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How often do you masturbate and when you do, do you touch yourself the same way every time? Have you ever masturbated for your husband? 

When you say you "try" to tell him what you like, what do you mean?

Have you ever had an orgasm with a partner before?

On a scale of 1-10, 1 meaning pretty col and 10 being orgasmically hot, where would you say your arousal level is when he first penetrates you? During intercourse, does your arousal climb higher, peak and then decline, or does it stay the same and then decline?


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## Ilovecaramel (Sep 8, 2014)

One of the best things to do is to tell him what you would love for him to do! I suffer from this I want to please my wife and love for both of us to have a great time but I wish that she would talk to me about it. Maybe prepare a special dinner or what ever makes him happy and whisper it in his ear what you would like for him to do to make you orgasim four times.


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## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> How often do you masturbate and when you do, do you touch yourself the same way every time? Have you ever masturbated for your husband?
> 
> When you say you "try" to tell him what you like, what do you mean?
> 
> ...


I typically masturbate about two to three times a week. I touch myself pretty much the same way every time, and it usually always works. I tried to masturbate for him, but I could not get aroused; I just felt embarrassed. But he didn't let me attempt it for very long before he became very aroused and wanted to penetrate me. 

He is the only sex partner I have ever had, and I have had an orgasm probably three or four times with him.

I'd have to say my arousal level when he penetrates me would be a 1 or a 2, and it basically stays there the entire time. As I said, oftentimes when he is inside me, it is hurting, so the entire experience is rather uncomfortable. 

When I say that I have previously tried to tell him what I like, I mean that I have guided his hand with mine and shown him how to touch me, and I have told him where to move to; in regards to oral, I have told him how fast or slow to go and where to do it.


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## Ilovecaramel (Sep 8, 2014)

Have you guys tried some lubrication and maybe mess around with some adult toys?


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## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

Ilovecaramel said:


> Have you guys tried some lubrication and maybe mess around with some adult toys?


We have tried a couple of different types of lube, but maybe we should try a "for her" kind? We tried one toy, which worked quite well at first, but now I'm sort of numb to it.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

He was my first sexual partner too...I never really felt a thrill during penetration...I didn't relax until 6 months after we married and had quit work...Your husband is a young lover...Males are used to just the penetration sex without pleasing their partner...You must learn to work together...You may want to try having him at the end of the bed standing up and looking down at you...Have your legs over his shoulders and have him before entry both give you oral sex and make love to your breasts...I find that when in this position with thrusting that his leaning over and sucking (I'll probably get a warning on that one) my breasts is very erotic...But, slow him down...I had to do this with my husband...I, like you was a first time lover....We have to learn how to and when to and what is really good...I do, have and love it....If you two are in love it will work out...Not overnight, but probably like me you will tolerate it for a while and ohhhh and ahhhh at the right times....My best to you...


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

USN - when I read your heading re bad sex leading to no sex my instant reaction was yes. Still is.

Sex with your partner has GOT to be mutually satisfying atleast the majority of the time.

My wife has never enjoyed sex, doesn't like it and has never been interested in exploring the wonderful world of sex with me (she has never been with another man....maybe she should..).
Her lack of interest has indeed lead to a 'no sex marriage'. And its my fault.

Yes we might have had sex once a month but for her it was because she felt she ought to and simply lay there...completely detached. 
It got to the point that I couldn't be bothered either. So now we have NO sex and she is quite happy about it....and nor is she concerned about me and what my needs might be.

Usnwife...its great that you are here seeking help...I really don't know what I can say to you that will be of any real help other than you and your husband have got to try and sort this out otherwise you will end up in a sexless marriage, resentment will build up and you will probably end up having an affair...followed by a divorce.

Please, whilst you have these issues, stay on contraception..no children.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from - my husband also likes sex to be hard and fast and this hurts me meaning I get no pleasure from the sex. I've explained that I don't like rough sex and that pain doesn't turn me on. He claims that he is now gentle, but on the rare occasions that we do have sex, it still hurts. When he touches me, every movement he makes is so hard and rough that it desensitizes all my bits which means I can't orgasm. Oral is even worse. Somebody once told him that in order to be good at oral, you need to make a small hole in an orange and then suck out the contents through the hole. Believe me guys - this is soooo wrong. Oral from my husband is quite painful and does nothing for me sexually at all. Getting him to understand this has been pretty much impossible so far - he just doesn't seem to take onboard the fact that I need him to lighten all of his touches like a thousand percent. After sex, I'm usually very sore and sometimes bleed a little. 

I think the best way forward for you and your husband is to try some sensate focus exercises (http://counselling-matters.org.uk/sites/counselling-matters/files/SensateFocus.pdf) this might just do the trick in letting your husband know exactly what you want. Have I tried them? No - I would love to but my husband thinks that he's an expert on sex and doesn't need to learn anything new. Hope it works for you though  .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

usnwife said:


> I typically masturbate about two to three times a week. I touch myself pretty much the same way every time, and it usually always works. I tried to masturbate for him, but I could not get aroused; I just felt embarrassed. But he didn't let me attempt it for very long before he became very aroused and wanted to penetrate me.
> 
> He is the only sex partner I have ever had, and I have had an orgasm probably three or four times with him.
> 
> ...



Excellent, you are able to masturbate yourself to orgasm and you have shown him how you like it.

So the trouble is your gorilla husband and not your ability to be aroused to orgasm. Just so you know, it may take you much longer to partner orgasm than solo orgasm. Like signing in public, take a while to get over the nerves...

1. Buy this book and have it delivered.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Ian Kerner: 9780060538262: Amazon.com: Books

2. Do not allow your husband to penetrate you until you have reached at least a 6 in arousal. Just say no dear not yet, not ready yet. Talk to him ahead of time and let him know you will require more warm up time than he has been giving you and if he can't respect that he should grow more comfortable with his right hand!

3. Buy pure, unrefined, coconut oil (it is a solid like crisco but has a very low melting point) use that every single time your have sex. Smear this stuff all over your lady parts. Better yet, have him do it for you, slllooooowwwwwllllyyyy.

4. Work on arousing yourself through out the day. Think sexy thoughts, touch and play with yourself often. It is easier to orgasm once you have become sufficiently aroused. Bull in china shop forplay technique clearly isn't doing it for you, so be an advocate for your own needs. Either he is on board with the program or he walks the plank!


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

askari said:


> USN - when I read your heading re bad sex leading to no sex my instant reaction was yes. Still is.
> 
> Sex with your partner has GOT to be mutually satisfying atleast the majority of the time.
> 
> ...


Communication in a marriage is sooo important. Both in bed and out. I agree. If you cannot get through to him your marriage is over.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

I'm having similar issues, right down to the detail about dh having 3-6 orgasms per session. For our sex life, the prolonged, dh-focused sessions are the biggest turnoff for me. Have you experimented with watching porn together, dirty talk, role play...? Sounds like maybe more variety would help? I think something else that might help is setting aside a couple sessions that are only about your pleasure, with no pressure to pleasure him or bring him to orgasm. For you and him to learn together what you like in a mutual encounter. I find that when my dh really focuses on my pleasure for an extended, non-foreplay time, I feel a lot more turned on, and I feel loved, and I feel like he understands that my pleasure is a priority too. Sadly, dh is often very focused on his own needs, and a lot of my sexual wish list only gets brought up during fights, but I'm working on that. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm a willing sexual partner and we have sex 3-4 times a week and I enjoy the closeness it brings to our marriage, but I'm unhappy at my own low levels of pleasure. If you find the magic solution, let us know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PenguinCat said:


> I think something else that might help is setting aside a couple sessions that are only about your pleasure, with no pressure to pleasure him or bring him to orgasm. For you and him to learn together what you like in a mutual encounter.


That's a good idea!

Might I suggest this in order to help him remember that this session is all about your pleasure?

http://www.amazon.com/Chastity-Device-RINGS-Steel-Padlock/dp/B00C3O1KMI


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

intheory said:


> I learned something today.
> 
> How about adding "gently and slowly", to those instructions
> 
> And, "try to make the orange last forever".


I hope that what you learned wasn't how to molest an orange  - the orange won't like it


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

where do guys get the idea that pumping hard and fast and rough is 'loving' a woman? I suppose some women do like it?

I guess a lot guys are pretty clueless when it comes to sex because we learn as we go.

I'm one of those clueless guys, but by my dad always told me that real men are gentle, loving and tender. Must be 'old school'; not sure.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

usnwife said:


> Good morning!
> 
> I believe he genuinely wants to please me, but has no idea how. I think the main problem at the moment is that he doesn't know what to do, so he's not attempting to do anything at all.


Maybe you can get things started instead of waiting for him to initiate? Can you guys go back to square one and start fresh? 

Start out by making out on the couch, and teach him the difference between groping and caressing. Take the lead and hold onto it throughout. Show him how gentle he needs to be on your clit through kissing - use your tongue on his to show him the kind of mouth moves you need on your clit. Then, YOU get on top (only after sufficient foreplay so you are ready!) so you can control the pace and depth and type of movement you like. 

Same thing for oral. You get on top while he's lying down so you can move away easily if he uses too much pressure, or too much sucking oranges through a straw.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon usnwife
Can you get on top and masturbate yourself while riding him? Try to find some way that you can orgasm with him involved, then gradually work towards him doing more for you.

It sounds like he is trying, but just doesn't know how.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> _where do guys get the idea that pumping hard and fast and rough is 'loving' a woman? I suppose some women do like it?_
> 
> I guess a lot guys are pretty clueless when it comes to sex because we learn as we go.
> 
> I'm one of those clueless guys, but by my dad always told me that real men are gentle, loving and tender. Must be 'old school'; not sure.


As with many other things, it's about nuance, and being able to read your partner, but more importantly, being WILLING and OPEN to reading your partner.

There are times where my wife wants slow and gentle, and times she wants a good and thorough pounding, and it's up to me as her lover to know when.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

intheory said:


> *I've heard that the best sex you ever have with someone, is at the beginning of the relationship. You can never get more desirous and aroused about someone as years roll by. * Techniques etc. can only enhance what is already there; they can't fix something that is basically missing.



Is it possible you misheard? 

"Best sex" means high levels of arousal, excruciatingly high. So aroused you feel like you're going to self destruct. "Best sex" means plenty of crashing orgasms. I think it's not only possible but most likely to get better and better as the years go by. 




> People who have "great" sex lives years into a relationship; were always compatible from the start.


I can't say whether or not this true for most couples, but if can definitely say it is far from the truth for us. And I would think a lot more couples need time, years worth of experience before they know themselves and their partner well enough to have truly great sex.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

actually, all sex is good sex...just varying levels of goodness.

are you using a LOT of lubricant? If he gets off pounding you hard and deep, you do not want all that friction. Lubricant, even if you think it is not needed...is probably needed. Don't use the ones with glycerine because they can cause yeast infections.

Have you tried a lot of foreplay mutually. You can play with him as he plays with you, and the two of you getting close, and THEN getting laid to finish it off and cum. That way he is pounding into you much less time-wise, and you can better tolerate it.

Also, if you are getting so few orgasms, I hope you have a favorite vibrator toy to use. After he is done, and you have not cum yet, do not be bashful, whip out the toy and finish the job yourself. Maybe he would be shamed into helping out, maybe some nipple play from him as you pleasure yourself?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> actually, *all sex is good sex...just varying levels of goodness.*
> 
> are you using a LOT of lubricant? If he gets off pounding you hard and deep, you do not want all that friction. Lubricant, even if you think it is not needed...is probably needed. Don't use the ones with glycerine because they can cause yeast infections.
> 
> ...


Not all sex is good sex - when my nipples are being bitten or squeezed hard I count it as physical abuse, not sex - same goes for the rest of my bits. Any woman who has had her clit tugged hard over and over again will know how much that hurts - that's not sex.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

usnwife,

This is tricky. Your husband was going along just fine, thinking he was hot stuff in bed. Then, suddenly, his wife tells him he doesn't do anything for her. You didn't do anything wrong. It had to be said. However, his ego has got to be totally crushed. You have to take that into account. Assuming that he's a good guy (and he seems to be from your description) and doesn't have some deep seated hang-up about women that enjoy sex being ****s, this should be salvageable (especially since you love him and he presumably loves you). But, you have to be very conscious of his ego.

Make sure that the PIV pain isn't medical in nature. See a doctor.

Imagine how you'd feel if he suddenly said you weren't any good in bed or that he wasn't very attracted to you and he wanted you to lose weight, get a different haircut, wear high heels and start using make-up. Now, multiply that by 10 and that's what he's feeling. 

So, build his ego up as much as possible and accept as much blame as you think you can while you tell him what needs to be done. 

Tell him you're sorry you didn't make your need clear earlier in the relationship. How was he to know you were unhappy. Your needs might be particular to you and not all women (you may not really mean all this and it probably isn't true, but you need to reassure him that he is not less of a man because of this).

Tell him how wonderful he is. Reassure him of his attractiveness. Tell him you want to have LOTS of sex with him and that you will if he'll work with you on this. Tell him that it isn't his fault that he doesn't know what you want because you're not even sure what you want. Tell him that you want to experiment A LOT so that you both can find out.

Have some sessions be only about your pleasure. Importantly, have some sessions that are only about him. This way it won't always be on him to perform. Make it fun. Make it a treasure hunt to find your hotspots.

Try to make this about why YOU have a problem, not about HIM having a problem (although, you and I know that it's really more about him). Ask for his help (guys dig helping).


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Forgot to mention, You're having less sex once you got married might look to him like the classic "bait and switch". Reassure him that that is NOT what's going on. This is VERY important.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> *Try to make this about why YOU have a problem, not about HIM having a problem* (although, you and I know that it's really more about him). Ask for his help (guys dig helping).


I'm not sure of the wisdom of teaching an apparently already sexually clueless man that his partner is somehow defective because she doesn't get off from being pounded like a porn star after a bit of rushed foreplay. 

Perhaps it might be best to approach it as a problem in the relationship that both of you will have to work together to solve. Avoid blaming him, but don't accept more blame than is your own, either.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm curious about where these guys are getting the idea that biting, pinching and pulling on nipples and clits are desirable to women? Sure, there are a few who may like that, but none of the women I ever dated. Too much porn consumption in the formative years skewed their view on how women typically like sex?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I know that it's his problem. But, will he be less willing to cooperate if you tell him he's a crappy lover than if you say "I may just not respond well to the same things as other women". 

I'm a pretty good, caring guy but I'd have a hard time responding well to "you're a bad lover, get better at it" (even if it's true).

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to fix the problem?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

since she has pain in her vagina, *only a fool* would not consider to play with her nipples, breasts, clit, etc to lead her to orgasm. What she in particular needs to get off is yet to be determined, since she seldom orgasms now. But MANY women do like their breasts/nipples/earlobes/back of neck/hair pulled while close to cumming.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
try not to make it a "problem" at all. Instead phrase it as wanting to try lots of new things in bed.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I'm not sure of the wisdom of teaching an apparently already sexually clueless man that his partner is somehow defective because she doesn't get off from being pounded like a porn star after a bit of rushed foreplay.
> 
> Perhaps it might be best to approach it as a problem in the relationship that both of you will have to work together to solve. Avoid blaming him, but don't accept more blame than is your own, either.


absolutely.

don't tell him he's 'a bad lover'. the male ego is fragile.
will ruin the very thing she's trying to get better.

he has to be motivated to learn to love her more than 'do her'.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> *actually, all sex is good sex...just varying levels of goodness.*
> 
> 
> Also, if you are getting so few orgasms, I hope you have a favorite vibrator toy to use. After he is done, and you have not cum yet, do not be bashful, whip out the toy and finish the job yourself. Maybe he would be shamed into helping out, maybe some nipple play from him as you pleasure yourself?


No, Murphy, not all sex is good sex. In fact some sex is just plain BAD sex. If the woman isn't at all aroused during penetration, it is going to HURT and that qualifies as really BAD sex! 

So why on earth would she want to roll over, after having been pounded and is in pain, then slap a vibrator on her clit? 

If her husband can't take the time to learn how to arouse her, or how to bring her to orgasm, she ought not be having sex with him. PERIOD! 

Think of a woman as a fireplace. Stack the tinder, then the kindling, then the logs...and then you can light the match!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> No, Murphy, n*ot all sex is good sex. In fact some sex is just plain BAD sex*. If the woman isn't at all aroused during penetration, it is going to HURT and that qualifies as really BAD sex!
> 
> So why on earth would she want to roll over, after having been pounded and is in pain, then slap a vibrator on her clit?
> 
> ...


It's not just women who feel that way...

ETA...though "bad sex" is somewhat subjective. There are people I'm sure that just the fact that they are having sex qualifies it as good. I'm not one of those people. I expect a certain high level of quality, and if it's not there, I'd rather go without.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> since she has pain in her vagina, *only a fool* would not consider to play with her nipples, breasts, clit, etc to lead her to orgasm. What she in particular needs to get off is yet to be determined, since she seldom orgasms now. But MANY women do like their breasts/nipples/earlobes/back of neck/hair pulled while close to cumming.


To be clear, I'm referring to hard biting, hard pulling and just acting like a savage baggage handler when dealing with the clitoris. Caressing, gentle tugs, varying firmness/gentleness of the tongue and knowing how to suck effectively for pleasure is a totally different thing that the women I've been with have been driven wild by these types of techniques.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> No, Murphy, not all sex is good sex. In fact some sex is just plain BAD sex. If the woman isn't at all aroused during penetration, it is going to HURT and that qualifies as really BAD sex!
> 
> So why on earth would she want to roll over, after having been pounded and is in pain, then slap a vibrator on her clit?
> 
> ...


Besides, I get off doing foreplay before sex. It makes everything hotter for the both. I seriously don't understand where any guy got the idea that wham bam thank you ma'am sex was hot or desirable.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> absolutely.
> 
> don't tell him he's 'a bad lover'. the male ego is fragile.
> will ruin the very thing she's trying to get better.
> ...


Females have an ego too and it is easily destroyed.

It's not a good suggestion to tell someone they are a "bad lover" especially if they have been making progress. You encourage them to continue getting better and show how pleased you are.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> To be clear, I'm referring to hard biting, hard pulling and just acting like a savage baggage handler when dealing with the clitoris. Caressing, gentle tugs, varying firmness/gentleness of the tongue and knowing how to suck effectively for pleasure is a totally different thing that the women I've been with have been driven wild by these types of techniques.


What about rubbing it clearly too firm like in porn trying to rub a rock on flint to make spark!

What about jack hammering, harder especially when she says it hurts in that spot, and you just don't believe her.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> *Females have an ego too and it is easily destroyed.*
> 
> It's not a good suggestion to tell someone they are a "bad lover" especially if they have been making progress. You encourage them to continue getting better and show how pleased you are.


Very very true.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think a lot of women like a good pounding here and there, but my guess would be only if they are rather easily orgasmic, are already aroused by some fun chasing game, and it is the exception not the rule.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get a bottle of wine and play the what do you like sexually game.

maybe a couple bottles.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I think a lot of women like a good pounding here and there, but my guess would be *only if they are rather easily orgasmic,* are already aroused by some fun chasing game, and it is the exception not the rule.


I wonder if this might be one of the keys...because my wife is a case in point. When we were getting to know each other, talking before we started dating and sleeping together, she made a point of not really enjoying hard pounding sex, but knew guys did, and so every now and then she would be ok with it for the guys pleasure. She also said she orgasmed during about 50% of her encounters, never through PIV and many of those times with her taking care of it herself.

With me, she orgasms almost every encounter, with most of those being multiples. Most of the times we start out slow and gentle, it ends up with her pulling me harder and harder until it's a good hard pounding leading to PIV orgasms about 75% of the time now.

There are times where I wish it wouldn't turn into that because a good proper pounding is a lot of work


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> get a bottle of wine and play the what do you like sexually game.
> 
> maybe a couple bottles.


Make it a lot of fun.:smthumbup:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Less enjoyable is less enjoyable. There are 3 possible reasons. Either he's bad it or you are or you both are.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

treyvion said:


> What about rubbing it clearly too firm like in porn trying to rub a rock on flint to make spark!
> 
> What about jack hammering, harder especially when she says it hurts in that spot, and you just don't believe her.


Indeed.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I think a lot of women like a good pounding here and there, but my guess would be only if they are rather easily orgasmic, are already aroused by some fun chasing game, and it is the exception not the rule.


Sure. Sometimes my wife and I can get very passionate and a little firm. But for the most part, I need to go the middle way to get the best results. I typically can't be too firm but also not so gentle that I don't do anything for her either. Happy medium typically works best most times, but then go crazy when the situation warrants it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Did someone ring for Miss Scarlett? 

I have many of the same problems you do. 

One thing I've learned about this board is that the men who post here are sexually conscious and educated. Considerate. I can think of very few exceptions to this rule. The men here want sex and like sex and want their partners to feel the same. Generally speaking of course.

There really are men out there who have no interest in becoming a better lover and are really kind of clueless when it comes to their partners. 

Like you I've had probably 5 orgasms with my DH. In 19 years. I faked orgasms for 10 of those 19 years and then came clean with him that if never had a single orgasm with him. 

I got flamed for faking here on this board. The ironic thing is that DH didn't care. He said he didn't know if I was or wasn't and it wasn't something he spent a lot of time thinking about. And he still doesn't! If you were to ask him the last time he got me off he wouldn't be able to tell you. We had sex last night. I doubt he could tell you if I did or didn't (uh I didn't.) It's not to be mean, I don't think. Just a low interest level.

Here's the issue for ladies like me. You have a partner that isn't interested in learning anything new. Any kind of lesson or instruction ends up feeling like explaining something to a child who just wants to go watch tv. 

Should I demand to get off? Well first of all, I can't get aroused when I feel he's only doing something because he has to. Yes, I can get myself off manually or with a vibe while he watches awkwardly. And for what? It's only important to me and I can masturbate whenever I want. I don't need an audience. 

Should I cut him off of sex? This also proves difficult because I never wanted to be sexless. Since sex is a higher priority to me than him I'm the one punished and he doesn't even realize what I'm doing. 

After 19 years my body is so unaccustomed to being aroused to him that I don't even know if it's fixable at this point.

Should I divorce? I guess that is my only real option. Although I don't particularly want that. I want to fix it. I thought I could fix it. However things like this you do need 2 people trying to fix it. Not just one. He's so unselfish in other ways.. I just do not understand where he's coming from on this one.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Miss Scarlett, I so agree with you. Sometimes it is better to fake things or do things that on the face of it are wrong, immoral etc but do infact help keep things together. I have found that there are posters on TAM (fortunately not too many!) for whom everything is black and white...there is NO grey area.

An earlier poster says all sex is good but in varying degrees...I'm not so sure.
When I was in my late teens, early twenties if 'it' was human, female and had a pulse I wanted to lay her. I wasnt interested in emotional bonding etc I just wanted to fcuk and blow my load as often as possible.

Now that I am nudging 50 I want that emotional connection. I WANT to connect with 'her' both emotionally and physically. Often the emotional connection is more important.

Sadly due to my curent situation its a question of having to empty the tanks myself simply because they are full and I dont want prostate problems!

Apologies if too far off topic!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon MissScarlett
That is really sad. I think that any man or woman can be a good lover IF they want to be - if they are willing to try to do what their partner wants. If, like your husband, they don't care, then there isn't much to be done.

I find that attitude very strange, I consider it an item of pride to be a good lover. In fact I'd rather be a good lover than be with a good lover. 

As far as specifics (pounding, biting nipples etc) - I don't think there is any general rule - different people like different things. You just have to look at feedback from your partner to gauge what they like. And its always good to provide feedback since some people's reactions are not as easy to read as they might think.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Scarlett, if that "Like" button was a "Hug" button you would be getting a ton from everyone here. 

I know I'm jumping off my sinking canoe. It's been a long good voyage with her but I can't keep keep paddling by myself. We've got some commitments to get past in the next couple of months so I'm just riding out the clock and prepping for the exit. Keeping myself sane in the meantime is the hard part. The treadmill is my mistress for now.

See ya on the other side.


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## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

Wow. I didn't expect to get such a response. But thank you all for the great advice. Miss Scarlet, that just sounds awful. I know my husband cares about my pleasure and wants to figure out how to make me feel good during sex. We may go without sex for a while, but 19 years? My unsolicited opinion is that if I only had a few orgasms in an entire 19 years, if my husband could care less about pleasing me, I would be out of there. I believe most everyone deserves to be loved, to have someone whose primary thought is your happiness. Maybe you should consider leaving your marriage? It seems as though you're the only one trying in this area. 
Good luck to you!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

my ex-wife and my current wife are like night and day about sex.

The ex rarely ever climaxed from intercourse. We needed a lot of lube and she didn't like her breasts played with or oral sex.

my new wife?

not only does she love it all, she climaxes from PIV sex every time.

She's not done unless she gets her three or more.

I'm the same person, have not changed in my interest in pleasing a wife.

What has changed is that I now have a wife interested in being pleased by ME.


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