# Wife's lack of support...or I'm wrong



## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

_*Background:*_
I’ve been working the same job for about 17 years now, 4 of which before meeting my wife. I would say I enjoyed about the first 3 years of working this job, but after my forth year I knew I wanted to do something different with my life. This is about the same time I met my wife. About 8 months into our relationship my wife ended up getting pregnant (yes mine). This was a surprise for both of us as my wife was on birth control at the time and we both thought we were being safe. Anyhow because I was the primary provider, I ended up getting stuck working the same job I work today. The pay has never been great, but I stuck with it because of the benefits and for stability reasons. As for my wife she has, for the most part, worked full time, but did bounce around due to getting laid off, quitting or just getting fired. The last job she landed seemed like it would be a good fit for her, but the commute became an issue and so in long run it was not going to work out. So we both agreed that she would be better off running the business I started full time. And this is where the issue starts….. 

_*The issue in lack of support:*_
Now my job has literally sucked the life out of me, I hate it with a passion, get zero satisfaction out of it and at this point there’s no opportunity for growth. About 3 year ago from today I decided I would throw caution into the wind a take a risk (not like me at all), the risk being starting my own business and using a decent amount of our savings to do so. Today the business is quite successful especially considering the effort put towards it. See as mentioned above my wife would eventually run this business full time vs. working a full time job at some company. After 3 years of success I want so bad to take this business to the next level and feel very confident in doing so. As for my wife, well she could care less about the business and makes almost no effort to help it grow. She instead only focusing on the work that comes her way vs. driving the business forward. And this is not because she doesn’t know how to drive it, the opportunity is there and the potential for growth is limited only in the effort put towards it. Personally this drives me batty as I wish I had the opportunity she does, but I am instead working a job I absolutely hate and have almost no time to put towards the business. Today is a perfect example that explains my frustration in lack of effort. The business is supposed to open at 8 am, well because my wife will normally chit-chat with parents after dropping the kids off at school and also hit the gym afterwards; she normally doesn’t start working until 10am. This is something we have gotten into a fight about, but now I just keep my mouth shut because I always end up being the jerk and in the wrong. Anyhow today my wife didn’t start working until noon, this just erks me big time, but I can’t say anything because it won’t get me anywhere.

Now the worst part… my wife is now entertaining the idea of getting a full time job simply because the pay is decent (a little more than what we made this year) and there’s retirement. This is great and all and she’ll probably land it with the connection we have, but it would just kill me inside to close my business (we can’t both work and run the business). I understand the business is my thing, but I feel like I’ve made so many sacrifices over the years and at this point I just can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to support me like I have her. More so than ever I know we can make the business grow, possibly even to the point where we could make some serious money from it. I feel like the only thing holding us back is her lack of effort.

I welcome any and all advice. Do I just let this go, close up shop and support her in pursuing this job she is interested in? I know doing this will destroy me emotionally and I’ll still have to work my job.

BTW I can’t afford to pay someone else to run the business; if I could I would and just take my wife out of the equation all together, which would be my best bet.

So sorry for novel


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Abovetheline said:


> _*Background:*_
> I’ve been working the same job for about 17 years now, 4 of which before meeting my wife. I would say I enjoyed about the first 3 years of working this job, but after my forth year I knew I wanted to do something different with my life. This is about the same time I met my wife. About 8 months into our relationship my wife ended up getting pregnant (yes mine). This was a surprise for both of us as my wife was on birth control at the time and we both thought we were being safe. Anyhow because I was the primary provider, I ended up getting stuck working the same job I work today. The pay has never been great, but I stuck with it because of the benefits and for stability reasons. As for my wife she has, for the most part, worked full time, but did bounce around due to getting laid off, quitting or just getting fired. The last job she landed seemed like it would be a good fit for her, but the commute became an issue and so in long run it was not going to work out. So we both agreed that she would be better off running the business I started full time. And this is where the issue starts…..
> 
> _*The issue in lack of support:*_
> ...


Am I reading this wrong or is the job she's after one that would pay more than the two of you made combined this year?

If that's the case, encourage her to get that job, quit yours and go into your own business full time.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Am I reading this wrong or is the job she's after one that would pay more than the two of you made combined this year?
> 
> If that's the case, encourage her to get that job, quit yours and go into your own business full time.


The job she is after she would make about the same she makes now running the business, at least for the first year.

Sorry about that I might have missed some important details


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF you can make money in the business, quit the job you hate and run it full time. Let your wife do a job with benefits and tell her not to get fired or quit.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> IF you can make money in the business, quit the job you hate and run it full time. Let your wife do a job with benefits and tell her not to get fired or quit.


Sounds easy right, this is not the case. I can't rely on my wife to support myself and our two children, she won't be able to afford it. This is part of my problem. I'm stuck being the provider and have been stuck for 17 years, when is it my turn and when do I get to make a change?

How do I explain this to her, how do I motivate her to focus on the business, how do I make her understand my side of the story?

This is a dream of mine, I took the step and created something out of thin air and I feel good about it. I want to push forward and dig deeper and who know maybe some day quit the job I hate and instead just run the business I created.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Abovetheline said:


> Sounds easy right, this is not the case. I can't rely on my wife to support myself and our two children, she won't be able to afford it. This is part of my problem. I'm stuck being the provider and have been stuck for 17 years, when is it my turn and when do I get to make a change?
> 
> How do I explain this to her, how do I motivate her to focus on the business, how do I make her understand my side of the story?
> 
> This is a dream of mine, I took the step and created something out of thin air and I feel good about it. I want to push forward and dig deeper and who know maybe some day quit the job I hate and instead just run the business I created.


It does sound like you want your wife to do a job she has no interest in so that you do not have to do work you have no interest in.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> It does sound like you want your wife to do a job she has no interest in so that you do not have to do work you have no interest in.


Very true and it does; however, I'm either meeting her needs or she is meeting mine so regardless one person will lose.

Aside from just being able to keep my dream alive I have to consider the pros and cons of her taking the job and have done so. In fact lately I've been trying to convince myself it would be best for her to take the job, but when it comes down to it this would be the worst decision IMO. I could itemize this list or you can just take my word for it


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Abovetheline said:


> The job she is after she would make about the same she makes now running the business, at least for the first year.


So why can't you hire an employee to work it? If your wife is getting paid from the business now, just hire someone else for the same amount of money when she goes to the new job.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> She wouldn't be supporting the family solely on her salary. The income from your successful business would be supplementing her income, right? The only difference would be that her job would be the one supplying the benefits. Or did I miss something?


Her job and business are almost a wash. There's very little financial gain in her working this job.

My job supports the family 100% and covers all the benefits as well as retirement (401K).


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So why can't you hire an employee to work it? If your wife is getting paid from the business now, just hire someone else for the same amount of money when she goes to the new job.


My wife runs the business which makes the money. If I pay someone to do what she does we will make next to nothing. I wish I could do this, but we are not there yet.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Abovetheline said:


> My wife runs the business which makes the money. If I pay someone to do what she does we will make next to nothing. I wish I could do this, but we are not there yet.


But then she'll pull in the same amount she was making with her new job. You'd be in the same place financially as you are now but she'd be happier at the new job and you'd be happier with your business being looked after.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But then she'll pull in the same amount she was making with her new job. You'd be in the same place financially as you are now but she'd be happier at the new job and you'd be happier with your business being looked after.


I've considered it, but it would complicate things big time. Employing someone is a big deal and can be a major nightmare. I've mentioned this to my wife and we both agree its just not practical, not now at least.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's sounding as though you have more faith in your wife growing *your* business and developing *your* dream than you have in yourself.

Tighten your belt and quit your job. Put forth the effort to make some serious money and let your wife work where she wants. Win/win.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

It kind of sounds like this business is YOUR dream, yet you expect HER to make it happen. It's clearly not her dream, if she puts in so little effort. 

Her supporting your decision to start a business is one thing, and her being expected to do all the work on it to give you your dream is another. 

If it is not financially feasible to hire someone, you cannot run the business, and she will not run it, maybe it's time to sell it.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It's sounding as though you have more faith in your wife growing *your* business and developing *your* dream than you have in yourself.
> 
> Tighten your belt and quit your job. Put forth the effort to make some serious money and let your wife work where she wants. Win/win.


I'm the one that supports the family and provides the benefits, if the business didn't double in size we will crumble. I'm more of a calculated risk taker because I have a family to support. If I were single that would be a whole other story.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

that.girl said:


> It kind of sounds like this business is YOUR dream, yet you expect HER to make it happen. It's clearly not her dream, if she puts in so little effort.
> 
> Her supporting your decision to start a business is one thing, and her being expected to do all the work on it to give you your dream is another.
> 
> If it is not financially feasible to hire someone, you cannot run the business, and she will not run it, maybe it's time to sell it.


So what I'm hearing is that my wife shouldn't have to support me on this because it’s my dream. Instead I need support her in getting this new job while continuing to financially support the family working a job I absolutely despise.

I've done nothing but support my wife and early on even worked two jobs to do so. From the beginning I've committed my life to supporting her while she fumbled from one job to another (6 in total). At what point does the gender card get tossed out the window (I suspect it’s being played here) and my wife realize the path chosen and the option to choose a direction has always been hers to make, I had to adapt to each change driven by her decisions. For the life of me I can’t understand why its too much to ask to have my wife help me on this which will in turn help us all. Have I not been expected to do the same for her all along?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's your choice to stay in a job you hate. You can't blame your wife for that. She doesn't have to repay you now because of your choice. 

She's not telling you that you can't have your business. 
I know you say hiring someone would be a nightmare but IMO it would be much less of one than demanding your wife stay working it because your support all those years came with strings attached OR you being resentful because you feel unsupported. 

This is why family and business can get messy. It becomes too emotional.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

When you started the business, did your wife agree to being responsible for running it?


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

that.girl said:


> When you started the business, did your wife agree to being responsible for running it?



Yes 100%.

Before it she had a full time job she started to hate because of the commute and not being able to spend time with our kids. We agreed to give the business a shot to see if it would supplement her income and it does.

She now is getting the itch to try something new and has an opportunity to do so. The pay will be about the same as the business provides, but long term she can potentially make decent money and also have a retirement plan.

To me its just a no brainer for her to put more effort towards the business and maintain the quality of life she has now. If in a year its not working out then yes I would agree to close it. 
Now I know this is not her thing, but its not mine thing to work the job I currently do but do so to support my family.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Abovetheline said:


> _*Background:*_I ended up getting stuck working the same job I work today. *The pay has never been great, but I stuck with it because of the benefits* and for stability reasons.
> 
> ...
> 
> Now the worst part… my wife is now entertaining the idea of getting a full time job simply because *the pay is decent (a little more than what we made this year) and there’s retirement. *


This has such an *easy* answer!

Your wife should take the full time job with benefits and you should quit your job and run the business exactly the way you think it should be run.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

Maybe your wife considers your business as soul-sucking as you consider your job.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

So you do not want to take any risk by quitting your job.

You do not want to take any risk by hiring someone you do not know.

To make money, you need to know how to hire the right people. If your wife is not the right person for the business she should not be in it.

To make money you need to also be able to take some risk.

But to be clear, if you have to close your business, it is because of you, not your wife. You decide the risks are not worth it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It sounds like you wife has a good husband, but an unreasonable boss at the moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Abovetheline said:


> Sounds easy right, this is not the case. I can't rely on my wife to support myself and our two children, she won't be able to afford it. This is part of my problem. I'm stuck being the provider and have been stuck for 17 years, when is it my turn and when do I get to make a change?
> 
> How do I explain this to her, how do I motivate her to focus on the business, how do I make her understand my side of the story?
> 
> This is a dream of mine, I took the step and created something out of thin air and I feel good about it. I want to push forward and dig deeper and who know maybe some day quit the job I hate and instead just run the business I created.


How many children do you have and how old are they?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Abovetheline said:


> Her job and business are almost a wash. There's very little financial gain in her working this job.
> 
> My job supports the family 100% and covers all the benefits as well as retirement (401K).


If you support the family 100%, where does her money go?

What % of your joint income does your wife make?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Abovetheline said:


> I've considered it, but it would complicate things big time. Employing someone is a big deal and can be a major nightmare. I've mentioned this to my wife and we both agree its just not practical, not now at least.


It's hard to give much input on the business since you have not shared what the business is.

It sounds like you have a store front that needs to be opened at a certain hour. Is that right? If it is right, how did you run the business before she started working at it?


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