# Wife going out with male co-workers after hours and lying about it



## OldGoat (Sep 16, 2017)

I could use some advice...

I recently found out that my wife has been going out for drinks, one on one, with a male co-worker after work hours and then lying about it. She makes up stories about why she'll be home late, and then I find out she was really out with a guy. I don't know what to make of this. On one hand, you could call it normal networking. She's a professional and professionals need to network. If it was a female co-worker I would think nothing of it. So why should she only network with women? I can't really expect her to limit her network in that way. On the other hand, the lies make me suspicious. But knowing her, she's probably only lying about it because she doesn't want me to be jealous, and it truly is platonic. All of this is complicated by the fact that she did cheat on me multiple times in the past, so I have trust issues. She's a compulsive liar. She lies about big things and small. She lies about such trivial things that I'm bewildered by why anyone would even feel the need to lie about it. So these drinks with the male co-worker could be equally trivial, but the lack of trust from the constant lies and past infidelity is really starting to drive me crazy. Thoughts?


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

I think I would tell her that you don't mind her having business drinks or whatever with but that due to past issues you don't feel comfortable with her going out alone with another man and that if she needs to go she can invite you along as well. Also, not to scare you, but my husband used to go out to the bar after work and would tell me he was hanging out with friends. Found out he was hanging out with friends but also a female co-worker who he would sleep with at his buddy's house. So... be on the look out.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What did she do after you discovered the infidelity? What has she done to show remorse?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OldGoat said:


> I could use some advice...
> 
> I recently found out that my wife has been going out for drinks, one on one, with a male co-worker after work hours and then lying about it. She makes up stories about why she'll be home late, and then I find out she was really out with a guy. I don't know what to make of this. On one hand, you could call it normal networking. She's a professional and professionals need to network. If it was a female co-worker I would think nothing of it. So why should she only network with women? I can't really expect her to limit her network in that way. On the other hand, the lies make me suspicious. But knowing her, she's probably only lying about it because she doesn't want me to be jealous, and it truly is platonic. All of this is complicated by the fact that she did cheat on me multiple times in the past, so I have trust issues. She's a compulsive liar. She lies about big things and small. She lies about such trivial things that I'm bewildered by why anyone would even feel the need to lie about it. *So these drinks with the male co-worker could be equally trivial, but the lack of trust from the constant lies and past infidelity is really starting to drive me crazy.* Thoughts?


Shes a serial cheater and they never stop. She's probably banging him too. Only a doormat would stay in this situation but your lack of action to make your own way just means you'll roll over and take it again so why complain about it now?


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## OldGoat (Sep 16, 2017)

RebelliousRed said:


> I think I would tell her that you don't mind her having business drinks or whatever with but that due to past issues you don't feel comfortable with her going out alone with another man and that if she needs to go she can invite you along as well. Also, not to scare you, but my husband used to go out to the bar after work and would tell me he was hanging out with friends. Found out he was hanging out with friends but also a female co-worker who he would sleep with at his buddy's house. So... be on the look out.


You bring up another point- if it was me, going out for drinks after work, one on one, with a female coworker, I would be uncomfortable with that. Even if it was innocent and platonic, I just think it could invite trouble and make my wife uncomfortable. For her to not extend the same consideration to me, is maybe why I'm concerned. And she must know I wouldn't like it, since she felt the need to lie about it. To me, a work lunch with the opposite sex, or in a group setting, is not a big deal, but something about after hours one on one feels more intimate to me. Or I'm overreacting, which is what my wife says.

Good advice. Thanks for the reply.

Y


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Umm....

Why you staying?

You a masochist?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

You need to man up, OldGoat. She'd have got the boot from me the first time I found out she went one on one with a male coworker for drinks after work. You really only have yourself to blame. Unless you're into being cucked, give her the boot.


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## OldGoat (Sep 16, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> What did she do after you discovered the infidelity? What has she done to show remorse?


I found out a few years ago, by accident. I was going to make her an anniversary present- a book of our old emails when we were dating, which were basically our love letters. My old computer from the time was long gone, but she still had hers in storage so I pulled it out and went to print our old love emails, when I found all these other emails from other guys she was seeing. I was shocked, because we were supposedly madly in love. It was supposedly a special time. She repeatedly told me I was the only guy she was seeing, that we were exclusive and in love, and so this discovery was a shock. I almost couldn't believe it, so I asked her. She confessed. And not much else came of it. Her reaction was kind of underwhelming. She was basically like, everyone does this, and it's normal, and it was a long time ago, that she's changed, and I should just get over it. I'm not sure she even apologized, she may have, but I can't recall. She said since we weren't married yet it didn't matter. She even accused me of being naive, and not asking enough questions at the time, like it was my fault for trusting her. Even though I did ask questions and she repeatedly assured me we were exclusive. so.... That's that.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Um yeah She is probably cheating again, because you didn't do anything about it the first time.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Do you have access to her phone, Facebook accounts, email, etc?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Dude really come on you know what she is up to.? Your wife is a cheater, and a serial cheater she didn't show any remorse, she even blamed you come on man. Only way you can deal with this logically is the file for Divorce. Get the ball rolling that way she'll know you mean business. You can always stop the divorce but I don't know why you'd want to.? Anything other than Filing for divorce you're wasting your time... Time that you could be with someone that really loves you.!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Have you brought this new round of lies up to her? If not,why not? Seems to me that if it was purely professional networking that there would be no reason to lie. If its bothering you this much then don't sit on your hands. What are your boundaries and expectations from a partner and have they been made very clear to her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Compulsive liar and serial cheat lying about time spent out on the town with OSF co-workers.

This is easy: 

Divorce.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, career woman here, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), and neither of us has cheated. Your wife is cheating. When networking, business lunches are in order. When I have business lunches, I always inform my husband. When there is a dinner, it is always with an entire Department. This is usually done to welcome a new team member or retirement dinners. The spouses are invited in these functions. She's hiding their meetups as she has reason to.

You've rugswept her previous affairs. Please read & analyze recommendations here at TAM. Many have been through where you have been. Sorry you are here.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OldGoat said:


> I could use some advice...
> 
> I recently found out that my wife has been going out for drinks, one on one, with a male co-worker after work hours and then lying about it. She makes up stories about why she'll be home late, and then I find out she was really out with a guy. I don't know what to make of this. On one hand, you could call it normal networking. She's a professional and professionals need to network. If it was a female co-worker I would think nothing of it. So why should she only network with women? I can't really expect her to limit her network in that way. On the other hand, the lies make me suspicious. *But knowing her, she's probably only lying about it because she doesn't want me to be jealous*, and it truly is platonic. All of this is complicated by the fact that she did cheat on me multiple times in the past, so I have trust issues. She's a compulsive liar. She lies about big things and small. She lies about such trivial things that I'm bewildered by why anyone would even feel the need to lie about it. So these drinks with the male co-worker could be equally trivial, but the lack of trust from the constant lies and past infidelity is really starting to drive me crazy. Thoughts?



Or, and this is a stretch, she's lying 'cause she's cheating.

Why are you minimizing this?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OldGoat said:


> You bring up another point- if it was me, going out for drinks after work, one on one, with a female coworker, I would be uncomfortable with that. Even if it was innocent and platonic, I just think it could invite trouble and make my wife uncomfortable. For her to not extend the same consideration to me, is maybe why I'm concerned. And she must know I wouldn't like it, since she felt the need to lie about it. To me, a work lunch with the opposite sex, or in a group setting, is not a big deal, but something about after hours one on one feels more intimate to me. Or I'm overreacting, which is what my wife says.
> 
> Good advice. Thanks for the reply.
> 
> Y


Cheaters lie a lot. You're working hard trying to believe her and find a way to stay in this.

Sounds like you're looking for validation against the truth that everyone else sees.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You're done man.......pull the plug........


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No need to do any detective work. Your wife is a serial cheater. You know this. The way she reacted to you discovering her affairs--- she almost sounds like she may be a sociopath---- no conscience at all.

What do you get from this relationship that makes you want to continue it?
Great sex?
Good companionship?
Does she pay the bills?

Why are you willing to ignore the fact that your wife is dating another man, now that you know about it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OldGoat said:


> I found out a few years ago, by accident. I was going to make her an anniversary present- a book of our old emails when we were dating, which were basically our love letters. My old computer from the time was long gone, but she still had hers in storage so I pulled it out and went to print our old love emails, when I found all these other emails from other guys she was seeing. I was shocked, because we were supposedly madly in love. It was supposedly a special time. She repeatedly told me I was the only guy she was seeing, that we were exclusive and in love, and so this discovery was a shock. I almost couldn't believe it, so I asked her. She confessed. And not much else came of it. Her reaction was kind of underwhelming. She was basically like, everyone does this, and it's normal, and it was a long time ago, that she's changed, and I should just get over it. I'm not sure she even apologized, she may have, but I can't recall. She said since we weren't married yet it didn't matter. She even accused me of being naive, and not asking enough questions at the time, like it was my fault for trusting her. Even though I did ask questions and she repeatedly assured me we were exclusive. so.... That's that.


From here on out, whenever she's out of your sight, you should just assume that she's out ****ing some other dude.

Or dudes.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OldGoat said:


> You bring up another point- if it was me, going out for drinks after work, one on one, with a female coworker, I would be uncomfortable with that. *Even if it was innocent and platonic, I just think it could invite trouble and make my wife uncomfortable*. For her to not extend the same consideration to me, is maybe why I'm concerned. And she must know I wouldn't like it, since she felt the need to lie about it. To me, a work lunch with the opposite sex, or in a group setting, is not a big deal, but something about after hours one on one feels more intimate to me. Or I'm overreacting, which is what my wife says.
> 
> Good advice. Thanks for the reply.
> 
> Y


Of course she says you're overreacting.

And you would be uncomfortable because you have empathy. A conscience.

From what you say, she doesn't.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Cheating is now called "networking?"


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> Cheating is now called "networking?"


Well, networking is about connecting...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She was cheating before

She is cheating now

She will cheat in the future

She's serial cheating trash.

DIVORCE !!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So Old goat this is what i have read from your messages...clarify otherwise

your wife deceived you
your wife cheated 
she disrespected you and your marriage
she could have brought in std's in the relationship
she has lied about it
she appears to not remorse when you found it
she never did heavy lifting to work on the marriage
there is no transparency 
and you basically allowed her to rug sweep the affair

what part of this love? what part of this is keeping the vows and so now your worried....tell me i am off base but for you to just roll over on this one makes you a cuckold husband. 
buddy you have to grow sometime and become a man.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

This seems exceedingly straightforward.

She has a history of lying. 

She has a history of cheating.

She is out with another man after-hours and lying about it.

Guess what she's doing?

I have female coworkers that my LTR wouldn't mind me hanging out with in a social setting. She has male colleagues that she sometimes socializes with, too. This is usually during daylight hours, and it's never, ever something that we'd feel the need to hide. This is slam-dunk unacceptable behavior and there's only one logical explanation, which she doesn't feel bad about in the slightest.


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## Pkitty111 (Sep 16, 2017)

I am sorry you are going through this. I hate to say it but she is most likely cheating again. I fear that you forgiving her all those times has made it in her mind that it is okay to cheat. I am not saying that you were wrong to want to give it another shot, but if you arent okay with the behavior then you have to make the tough decisions for yourself even if it is hard at first. So I am not going to tell you to leave her because I personally feel that everyone should make their own decisions, but I will say that if you forgive her this time, I dont think she will stop. So it comes down to is this the type of life you want to live for yourself. Are you okay with your wife constantly cheating?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.
.
...and you married her?



OldGoat said:


> She even accused me of being naive.


Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
.
.
.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For a married woman, I would guess that term "boundaries" is something that's totally foreign to her!*


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *For a married woman, I would guess that term "boundaries" is something that's totally foreign to her!*


Also, "empathy and compassion "


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