# Getting wife to open up about fantasies?



## MisterDad (Jun 8, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, and are very happy with a pretty good sex life (5x+/- a week). 

My question is: how can I get her to open up about fantasies?  It's not necessarily that I want her (or us) to follow through with them, I would just like to know how I can better pleasure her. I feel like if I have a better picture of what she fantasizes about, we can enjoy our lovemaking at a higher level. 

The few times I have asked her about it, she says either she has none, or she only fantasizes about me. I suspect she is possibly embarrassed or afraid to share with me for fear that I may get jealous or upset.

She is a bit overweight (not obese), and in the past few years introduced various sexy outfits into her evening wardrobe, in addition to a collection of toys (vibrating, realistic, etc). She has become more comfortable with her body and we do enjoy our 'sessions', but I would love to bring it up a notch.

How can I approach the topic again and get a different response than I have in the past?


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

with her for 14years...havnt had much success along these lines myself . curious to hear replies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My husband gave me a wonderful gift. When I told him that I don't fantasize, he accepted my word. He listens to what I tell him and does not seek to make me think something else.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I always struggle to believe I am the pinnacle of my wifes sexual life. I am always open to hearing the merest hint of any desire of unfulfilled fantasy that I could help her realize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think some people don't fantasize. In this case she didn't say something like - I'm too shy, I don't want to tell you, it's embarrassing. She said she doesn't have them. 

I think it's a common misconception to assume our partners are like us.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Like a lot of people she might be fantasizing about being with other people. I know I do and if my husband asked me what I fantasize about I would tell him I don't because I wouldn't want to hurt him by telling him I fantasizing about being with other men. Not often, but sometimes. These men are strangers. I would just leave it alone if I was you and accept her answer.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

^^^^^^^Yes.

OP, are you sure her fears that you might get upset or shame her aren't justified?

I mean, you talk about kicking it up a notch --which suggests to me that *you* have fantasies that *you* want to pursue. Have you shared them with your wife? And if not, why not?


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I do not have have any secret fantasies. If I'm thinking sexy thoughts I am thinking about my husband and I together, the way he can bring my mind and body to such passion. Maybe some of us just aren't very creative? Thoughts of other men, aliens, role playing, etc. do absolutely nothing for me.

This use to bother my husband, and he didn't believe me for a while back when we were first married. Then I think he felt guilty because he does have plenty of fantasies. I'm more than willing to indulge his fantasies and he has accepted that he is all I ever fantasize about.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop bugging her. She knows you want to know.....and besides, some fantasies are just that: fantasies. And they're better left there, because even if they weren't bad for the marriage once you do it then it's not a fantasy anymore. Sometimes it doesn't turn out as good as the fantasy and you're disappointed, and you don't have your fantasy anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Leave it alone. If she hasn't shared anything with you in 22 years, she either doesn't have any, or doesn't have any you want to know about. Or the don't involve you in any way.

I've had plenty of female friends in my life who were not girlfriends, and I've heard plenty of fantasies. Many of which, if they were my girlfriend or wife, I would be massively uncomfortable with. And I'm no prude.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MisterDad said:


> My wife and I have been together for 22 years, and are very happy with a pretty good sex life (5x+/- a week).
> 
> My question is: how can I get her to open up about fantasies? It's not necessarily that I want her (or us) to follow through with them, I would just like to know how I can better pleasure her. I feel like if I have a better picture of what she fantasizes about, we can enjoy our lovemaking at a higher level.
> 
> ...


Her fantasy may be to have sex once a week instead of five. Be careful what you wish for.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

always_alone said:


> ^^^^^^^Yes.
> 
> OP, are you sure her fears that you might get upset or shame her aren't justified?
> 
> I mean, you talk about kicking it up a notch --which suggests to me that *you* have fantasies that *you* want to pursue. Have you shared them with your wife? And if not, why not?


This is the first thing that came to my mind.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

^^^ 
Her fantasies may not take things to a higher level so you may be disappointed. She may think she can't meet your expectations about her fantasies. 

Make sure that you are not being too insistent, you don't want to make her feel as if she is not good enough. This is probably a delicate issue - she is loosening up and acting more self assured. You are doing something right for your sex life. Keep going in that direction but careful not to push too hard. Based on some of the things you are doing now, the possibility for novel fun is certainly there. She sounds as if she would not be adverse to trying new things. 

If you are having difficulty thinking up something, read some books for idea and use your imagination. I don't think you will have problems coming up with things that please you both. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, be careful what you wish for. Someday she might say, "What the hell" and tell you something that scares the $h!t out of you and you'll never look at her in the same way again even if she's just yanking your chain, the thought will always be there and you'll go to your grave always wondering if she was really kidding or dead damn serious.

If you have a good sex life with her then don't screw it up by changing routes. It could wind up as a dead end.


----------



## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I do not have have any secret fantasies. If I'm thinking sexy thoughts I am thinking about my husband and I together, the way he can bring my mind and body to such passion. Maybe some of us just aren't very creative? Thoughts of other men, aliens, role playing, etc. do absolutely nothing for me.
> 
> This use to bother my husband, and he didn't believe me for a while back when we were first married. Then I think he felt guilty because he does have plenty of fantasies. I'm more than willing to indulge his fantasies and he has accepted that he is all I ever fantasize about.


This is the same for me too. I don't have wild fantasies. I just think of the things I love my husband doing to me when he's not nearby. I have passing thought of something we did recently that was good and that gets me going at times. Maybe i am just boring! Thoughts of sex with other men (even old loves once no longer with them) just creeps me out.


----------



## Visexual (Nov 8, 2008)

My wife has always maintained that she has no fantasies. I think that it's true.

She did overcome her inhibitions a couple of times, for two periods, in our 42 year marriage and seemed to enjoy the exciting things we shared. But each time she seemed to regain those inhibitions and back off.

I miss that exciting woman I met the two times she came out so much that now I just don't get turned on to the boring one.

I agreed to 'till death we shall part' and will keep the vow. But, like in Meatloaf's 'Paradise By The Dashboard Lights', I'm praying for the end of time!


----------



## MisterDad (Jun 8, 2014)

I appreciate the input, but there a few points to make-

I have only ever asked her about her fantasies maybe twice in 22 years, with the last time being several years ago. I certainly do not 'bug' her about it. 

The reason I am still curious about them is the sense I got from her the few times that I did ask that she was afraid to share them for fear of embarrassment, so she simply said she had/has none. I do not seek to make her think something else, and I certainly don't harp on the issue, and will not keep asking if she has none or chooses not to share. I just thought asking for a little input from others might help me to possibly come up with a better way to ask the next time the time feels appropriate.

I haven't really shared any of my fantasies with her since she's never asked. I assume if she's interested, she will ask, and at that time I'll be happy to discuss. Also, discussing fantasies and attempting to fulfill them are two different things. I'm not looking to act anything out that may hurt our very strong marriage. 

As for the idea that her fantasy is to have sex only once a week- I must admit, she initiates more often than I do. And during those times, our primary objective is the other's pleasure, as that is what essentially maximizes our own. 



I don't want anyone to think I am complaining about our sex life; I just want to explore anything new, since that's what has kept us together and happy for the past 22 years since college.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Then share yours with her!

But don't expect her to return the favor. Maybe because you haven't shared yours with her and you just asked what hers are, she thinks it may be a trap and she's afraid to go there. Make the first move.

If she has any, maybe you opening up first will make her comfortable.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

She doesn't have to share her fantasies with you. That said, if she does you should be prepared for literally anything and likewise accept what she said without judging her.

If you can't hear things without judging her, you aren't ready to hear her private fantasies.

If you are okay with her potentially fantasising about wearing adult nappies, being done by 30 men one after the other or a few at a time, or sticking you with a strap on while making you..... and so on etc, by all means encourage her to tell you.

Bearing in mind that some consider the before mentioned activities to be rather tame, if you can't handle that and more, then let her keep her fantasies to herself.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I guess there are a few ways to investigate.

Just asking her is not going to work-either she has no fantaies, or she is embarrassed to tell you them.

Maybe get her REALLY drunk, get her in bed, and start playing with her whole body...really getting her close to orgasm but stopping just short of it and teasing. Then ask "if you could fantasize anything at all, what would you want?" She was probably fantasizing just then, so it will be on the tip of her tongue

Or just check out her online porn habits. If she has strong fantasies, it is likely she is fulfilling them online thru watching that type of porn. Gangbang videos in her browser history....she probably fantasizes about a biker gang doing her....


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Your desire to know her fantasies seems more like in curable curiosity. I know I would love to know what my wife's are, if she has them, but I just never pursued her for them. Instead, I push her boundaries on what we do in the bedroom to try and find out what she really wants, what dirty little secret or desire she has. I have found a few but nothing to far out of the realm of normalcy. I also found out what is taboo and left those where they lie.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with the posters above. There is no reason not to share your fantasies. You don't even need to present them as fantasies. They are simply things you can do that may interest both of you. Roll out the ideas in little bits at a time and see how she reacts. Then go from there.

Don't be discouraged if she is not enthusiastic. Just go on to the next. She won't like everything that's why you try a number of things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

okeydokie said:


> Your desire to know her fantasies seems more like in curable curiosity. I know I would love to know what my wife's are, QUOTE]
> 
> Id really like to know what my dog is thinking too!


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I once shared a fantasy with my wife years ago...went something like this...

Me: Darling I'd really like you to give me a BJ, even if I wear a condom...

Her: Don't be so disgusting. Never. Not even over my dead body.

BANG...as the door slammed.

I have kept all my fantasies etc to myself since that day.


----------

