# 12 years of hurt. Wanting to heal, but stuck.



## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

Okay, wow. Don't know where to start. I just would like to preface this post by saying I will be mentioning reasons not excuses in this post, to try to give full perspective. I know what I have done is wrong, but I am hurt also.

Readers digest: 12 year long relationship damaged from trauma. Trying to heal and grow, but do not see the pathway out of the woods. 

Let's start at the beginning, I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 21. My childhood wasn't great. 

I had already had 9 sexual partners (5 being wayy to old for me) at this point and have sexual trauma as a younger child.

We started sleeping together, and looking back now I really see how wrong this is. I was a child, and he was an adult.

I did not realize a lot of this trauma until about 5 months ago when I started individual therapy. I have always suffered from extreme anxiety and OCD. I am also now being seen by a psychiatrist and am working towards a proper diagnosis and medication plan.

Going back, I did not realize the magnitude of my actions. My self worth was all wrapped up in the sexual attention I got from men. I am just now starting to understand how badly all of this had affected me. I am stuck between being so mad at myself and being mad at the adults that hurt me. 

I lived with my now husband from 14 until now being 26. I practically grew up with him. We married a few weeks after I turned 20. I grew to love him. We have both had our fair share of issues, and problems that we have navigated. He is not prefect, but he is my everything. My world. 

Throughout our relationship sex was ALWAYS something I wanted and felt like I needed to be whole. I didn't know who I was if I was not being presued sexually. And it for the most part has always been lacking.

Gradually as we aged and life got in the way sex declined. We both developed a drinking problem. I had severe mood regulation problems. And we both were awful at communication.

When the sex started to drop off I became angry. I was really lacking any self confidence or self control. And we fought. And fought and fought. I was so resenting of him rejecting me all the time. I was hurt. And the sex wars went on for years. I never had an orgasim. And we both were miserable in that department. 

It was a roller coaster. We would go for months making improvements only to slip back. We eventually started to make real progress after I started therapy, and started to learn how to communicate. 

Looking back I can now see clearly all of my failures. Failure to communicate with kindness and understanding. Failue to be empathic. In fact all I see when I look back in time is a failure. I try to give myself grace, but that isn't in the cards for me.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. I had an affair. I am not going to sugar coat this, or try to justify my actions. I ****ed up. I lied. I went behind his back. I was a grade A POS.

At the time I felt justified. I was alone a lot, I was such a selfish self absorbed asshole and felt like I deserved to be happy and satisfied in that department.

I ended the affair without being caught, because I woke the hell up. I thought if I could be the best version of me everything wrong would go away. So for 2 years I started on a journey of being a better me a better person. 

I became a great wife, but the anxiety never went away and the sex issues slowly got better, or I slowly started to change my views. I started going to therapy and after a month I had another wake up call...

I robbed him of choice by not telling him, and no matter how great I am now it's still a lie. I became sick with guilt. Literally physically sick.

I finally confessed, and we have been sleeping apart since. I have given him all the space in the world and really only talked to him when he approached me.

I spent days not eating or getting out of bed and just kept reading online about how much of a **** up cheaters are. I have always hated myself, but at this point I knew the world would be a better place without me. Especially my husbands. 

We finally got to the point of speaking after a few weeks, and he told me he wants to work it out and wants to fight for it. But I know I don't deserve it, and from what I have read online (every post on reddit) he may feel this way now but the pain will never stop and even in 20 years he will be haunted by my choices. 

I don't want him to live that way. I want to see him happy.

Here is where I am struggling, in therapy I have been working on accepting the duality of life, and understanding that not everything is black and white. But I am stuck. Part of me is hurt and upset that my childhood was taken from me and my mind was warped by various adults. I am mad that I never got the help I needed and in turn I am still suffering over 15 years later. 

The other part of me knows I am a broken ****ed up human that does not deserve any sympathy or compassion. Knowing how I got where I got does not change the fact that I got there. I am beyond disgusted with myself, and most days don't see the point to keep going. 

Is it possible for me to bridge this duality and see the world in gray? Can I help my husband heal, even when part of me wants to blame him? Am I avoiding accountability and blame shifting because I am unable to accept that I am a POS? 

I need help. I can't imagine my life without him at this point, but I want to stop being selfish and start thinking of others first. I love him more than words can describe. I know really rich coming from a cheater, but it's true. 

If you made it here, thanks. I am fully prepared for the firing squad... I know what happens to WS online. But if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I want to save my relationship, and grow into a person I can be proud of...


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Looks like I am the first to comment, so here goes.

Firstly, you are NOT going to get the firing squad from me. I can not imagine how you actually deal with the trauma you have gone through in your life.

I think any advice you need is way, way above our pay grade and would probably be more damaging than anything else.

What I would say to you is that I think you need to find a way to draw a line under all the bad things in your life so far. Dwelling on what you have lost or past mistakes is only going to damage you, and you alone.

You are only 26 with your whole life in front of you still. Life is still there for you to go out and grab.

Find people who can help. Learn to love yourself, learn to forgive yourself, accept that you do deserve happiness!

Accept that your husband does love you, wants to be with you and is going to help you.

Whilst I don’t think we should be giving you advice, we can offer support and a listening ear. Tell us about good things, improvements, what has gone well. Focus on those and, in my opinion, if people do give you buckets of sh*t, then block or ignore them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know a lady who was sexually molested by her father for years.
She says that she made a decision that despite the fact he messed up her childhood, she wasn't going to let him ruin the rest of her life. She was also able to forgive him which was, she said, like walking out from a grey prison cell into a colourful garden.

Your husband wants to stay with you. Hang onto him and carry on working on yourself and the marriage.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

While your husband is willing to reconcile with you he has to accept that he is a big cause of the trauma you suffered. He was a twenty one year old man sleeping with a fourteen year old girl. He is guilty of a crime and could still be charged.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You've never stood on your own two feet. That is part of why you feel strongly you need him.

When you had the affair you effectively ended the marriage. It sounds like it was basically a sexless marriage and not working and you didn't end it prior to the affair due to a lack of confidence in being on your own as an adult in the world. You should have ended it prior to stepping out.

If I were you, I would tell your husband maybe you can re-marry and start again, but that you need to divorce and live on your own for a while. You need to become an adult. You never will if you never give yourself the chance.

You need to be very careful with the issue of finding validation from male attention, it is what leads to many of the affairs we see here and not a healthy way to achieve validation / confidence in life.

You need to fix yourself and become stable before you can fix other things that are broken in your life, like you marriage and your husband.

A little space from him will either show you that he isn't right for you, or you'll find how much value he brought to you, either way, a true fresh start is the only way out of the disaster you are currently in.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

I thought you said he offered R if you wanted that. 
That's him offering up his life to you on a platter. 
You're lucky you got the deal.
First: Fess up if he asks anything. Straight at him with the truth. A lie is always worse than the truth.
Live up to it, completely. Be the W you think _*he wants *_you to be.
Then the two of you can become what you both want to be. 
Drop the past, that's done, over and gone.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

This was a really tough read.

You have been so severely abused for so long….and a good portion of that physical abuse was from your now husband. I agree you need to experience life as an individual before you can share it with him.

I still can’t wrap my head around the ages though. People go to prison for these things. You were a child. There’s a lot to unpack here so I pray you continue therapy to sift through it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

There’s a lot to unwrap here.

I’m generally pretty hard on waywards, even those that appear to be genuinely contrite. But abuse has always been the point at which I hit the “don’t care” button. (ETA: I worded that poorly. I didn’t mean to imply that abuse isn’t a big deal to me, but rather that I generally can’t be bothered to give a damn about the plight of an abusive spouse that has discovered his or her spouse cheating.)

Honestly I think what you really need is a good therapist that can help you to unravel your childhood, the abuse (even if “only” statutory), your marriage, and your infidelity — someone that can help you to step back and get a 50,000 ft view of your marriage so that you can determine — for yourself — if it’s something that you really want to continue with, so I really hope that you’re getting that.

Best of luck to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Also, please know that this…



Life'sGray28 said:


> The other part of me knows I am a broken ****ed up human that does not deserve any sympathy or compassion. Knowing how I got where I got does not change the fact that I got there. I am beyond disgusted with myself, and most days don't see the point to keep going.


…is not true.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Life'sGray28 said:


> Let's start at the beginning, I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 21. My childhood wasn't great.
> 
> *I had already had 9 sexual partners (5 being wayy to old for me) at this point and have sexual trauma as a younger child.*
> 
> ...


I just wanted to comment a little bit on your post here. 

First of all I'm sorry that you are here and that you are in the situation that you are in. We are all products of our upbringing and I'm sorry to hear about yours, especially the part where you already had nine sexual partners by the time you turned fourteen which resulted in sexual trauma.

You may think that the world could be a better place without you, especially your husband's world. I think he's a grown up. Now that he knows what he knows, HE GETS TO DECIDE what makes his world better. So far you made the decision for him by cheating and not telling him about your cheating for an extended period of time. Now, let him think about the life and make the decision. Please don't do anything stupid to make the decision for him. You may think that you are being smart and benevolent by doing so, but my take is that you are not exactly thinking straight right now. 

For better or for worse, Reddit people are gung-ho about breaking up and in some cases, understandably so. But you got to take it with a grain of salt. The interactions there are very different than what you'll see here. There are many times more people on Reddit but the attention span is very limited. So, you'll get feedback and suggestion for a day or two after you post it, but not much after that. Most of the responses there are knee-jerk reactions. Here, you'll see people staying with you and helping people work through their situation. Each has their pros and cons.

Since we are talking about Reddit, I'd suggest you look at the following links and see if any of those help you:






Comprehensive Abuse Resources Compilation Now Available : Ebbie45


490 votes, 23 comments. Hello, I have compiled : intimate partner violence, sexual violence, non-consensual pornography, child abuse and child …




www.reddit.com




and








Comprehensive Abuse Resources Compilation


Comprehensive Abuse Resources Compilation This document was compiled by a worker in the domestic violence field, who goes by the username of Ebbie45 on Reddit. Thank you to the ER provider and sexual & reproductive health provider who contributed their expertise. Reproductive Coercion Reproduct...




docs.google.com





The first link has lots of helpful resources in the comments.

Please download the second link, make a copy and see if there's anything there that can help you. If you know someone who needs help, please feel free to forward these links to them. 
(Mods, I'm not sure what the rules are regarding linking external websites. However I think that these links have numerous resources that could be immensely helpful to people).

The fact that you are saying that you want him to be happy tells me that you are on your way to remorseville where you'll reside for a long time to come. At this point, you need to start thinking about how to help your partner heal from your affair. There's a book with that title that you can purchase and read through it. 

Your husband may be a POS, but he did not MAKE you cheat. You always had the option of talking to him or just filing for separation and then trying to resolve your issues by your own. Whether you can help your husband heal depends upon many factors including your willingness to do the hard work and your husband's willingness to have you along for the journey through the roads full of potholes. There's always the danger of making the wrong turn and ending up where you don't want to. So, please be there for him, see what he needs WHILE NOT SHORTCHANGING your own needs. Express your needs. In other words: COMMUNICATE with each other better.

Hope you come out of this better off than you are now. There are plenty of excellent resources and people here will likely help you guide you through this process.

Good luck!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You’re story hurts to read. You’re filled with angst, trauma and pain. I can’t even touch the “how do I fix this marriage” question because I cannot get past the fact your husband took complete advantage of you as a child to even get this relationship started. Do you have children? Did you have any of them while you were still a child yourself? 

Im going to assume your parents were not involved. I suspect they were much worse than just neglectful.

You didn’t deserve the childhood you got. But you can make something better of the life you now lead. I don’t think you do that by staying with a man that added to the cycle of abuse you’ve experienced. I don’t think you can be healthy and whole for him or anyone until you find who you are, your value in this world outside of sexuality, outside of the man who groomed you into his partner from childhood. Find out who YOU are outside of all these things and please continue to seek therapy. Good luck.


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

Thank you to everyone who has commented with their thoughts, and advice. I appreciate the perspectives greatly. Thank you for resources and book recommendations.

We do not have any children. An entirely different conversion, but I know this is path I cannot take. One of the few good choices that I have made in my life.

In therapy I am always very careful and have not been fully honest because of the age issue, and so much embarrassment I feel. I do not want to see him face legal consequences in any way shape or form. Because of this I am not sure MC is an option, unless we shift dates and eliminate the first 4 years of our relationship.

Edit: In my opinion this is a critical piece of the puzzle. And if excluded it would be very one sided. Reguardless I did tell him I am willing to go and not share that far into the past if he would like to. 

I have given him a full timeline starting at the beginning until now. Written out with dates and times to the best I can. I also am willing to pull cell phone records.

Thank you again to everyone for your time to read my post and reply to me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yowza. 😳😬

Honestly I’m hesitant to even apply the usual protocols because of how hazy the infidelity is given everything else involved but I guess I’ll give it a go…

Who is OM? An ex, a co-worker, a mutual friend, someone you met at the supermarket, a random stranger …? Is your husband aware of OM’s identity and how you met? Is OM married or engaged?

What steps have you taken to eliminate — or at least mitigate — any chance for continued contact between yourself and OM?


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

OM was a co-worker. He was single. I gave my husband full disclosure and identity. I have been no contact with them since I ended the affair. I quit the job very soon after the affair ended. Blocked in every way, and number deleted. I have been thinking I should go one step further and change my phone number. 

The things I have been working on these past few years to improve are: 

No hiding my phone or taking calls in another room. Full access for over 2 years to try to demonstrate through actions not words. 

I have offered to install tracking apps, so he knows where I am at all times. He does not want this, so I text him where I am, who I am with, when I will return, and ensure I am not late ever. I take pictures of where I am to confirm to him I am not lying. 

I got myself sober in June 2020. My drinking problems were not helping anybody.

I quit using social media, and spend my time doing more productive hobbies. 

I have been reading and trying to educate myself on how to grow. Grow from childhood issues, the works. I listen to podcasts and anything else I can get my hands on.

I have been learing and practicing active listening. I have for the last 2 years focused entirely on my failures instead of blaming others. I focus on my short comings and areas I need to improve.

I have been learning how to be alone. My husband works a lot, and I am learning to spend my time by myself and get satisfaction from myself and not others. 

I simply do not put myself in situations where anything inappropriate could happen. This is how I handled my drinking. I stopped going to places where I could buy it and stopped having it in my home around me. I do not go out by myself unless he knows the person I will be with. Which is maybe twice a month. 

I stopped asking for him to do things for me. I have been working on my independence. If the dishes are dirty I would need to wash them anyways, why would I need to ask when I would have to do the task anyways. 

I am learning how to be present. Through therapy and self help I am working through the OCD to stay out of my obsessions and in the present. 

The sexual stuff... I am not sure how to grow and heal from these traumas. What I can say now is that he has full disclosure, and I am working in therapy on how to handle my dissociation. I think I can change. This will be a long road. It is messy, and I feel like most days my brain was fundamental changed as a child. Like water wearing down stone, I am rewiring connections. 

I would like him to understand that what he did contributed to my problems, but it's complicated for him. He says he was a drunk idiot, and that I was persistent to sleep with him... he say that he did not know any better.

In my mind I sometimes think the same thing about myself and my actions as a 21/22 drunk idiot cheating, but I know that is blame shifting so I do not really go far into this conversation with him. I don't know how helpful it would be.

I am also willing to do just about anything to improve. I want to stop hating myself. I want to grow. I am willing and able.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I think changing a phone # for infidelity should be priority.

I had a parolee in past that was sent to prison fro SA of Child(underage GF) parents prosecuted. She stayed with him until he got out of prison and they married. Now have 2 children. Grandma is upset he keeps getting let go after his sex offender status gets out there. She is mad that he cant hold a good job to support their daughter and grand kids because he has to keep registering and loosing his job. 

All we could say is you should have thought about if your daughter was going to stay with him through prison before you had him sent there. Guy has to register as child sex offender when his wife(victim) is 35 and they have 2 kids.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Childhood issues are tough. My wife got past some CSA trauma. So i thought. She is 54 and she has been good for a while, nightmares gone for several years. We were at the lake at secluded spot, nice breeze and full moon shinning off water getting cozy in back of tge truch and she goes into a panic attack. First time i ever saw her do that. She was adamant to leave the area felt like someone was going to come out of the woods and get us. She crushed my hand and had her face burried in a blanket all the way back to town. 

The area brought back memory when she was 10. Luckily her dad committed suicide when she was 17 so i did not have to take care of him. That would have made for difficult family holidays to be in law that shot dad.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

This is a tough one. I think the best thing you can do is continue with working on yourself. Usually, I would tell the guy to run. However, in this situation, he was part of the cause of the original trauma.

Just keep working to get yourself better.


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## Butforthegrace (Oct 6, 2021)

I've been hesitating to post because your thread feels personal to me, but for reasons you may not expect. I actually dated you for about 2 years. Not _you_ -- meaning not specifically you as an individual -- but a young woman whose history between birth and age 20 was almost exactly like yours. The childhood trauma, sex abuse, casual sex and drug use by parents, etc. She was a beautiful young woman who had figured out early that she could get a lot of positive feedback from men by being hypersexual with them. I met her at a low point in my own life, after having been cheated on and dumped by a long term partner. Two broken people.

She didn't cheat on me. But I did break up with her. As I came to know her and began to realize the depths of her trauma, I also was able to see the same psychological patterns that you describe for yourself. I knew that she was facing years of cathartic self-discovery, much of which would likely be volatile and painful, and I wasn't willing to be around for that. It may sound shallow to hear me say that, but keep in mind where I was as a betrayed man who was dumped for an AP. I was still pretty raw. But on top of all of it was the lurking feeling that she was not being her authentic self with me, that she was ersatz, molding herself into a woman that she knew I would be attracted to, play-acting. I didn't have any faith that, after she discovered her true self, she would still be in love with me. After having invested almost 10 years into a committed relationship that ended with infidelity by my lying, cheating partner, I didn't want to invest another set of years into a relationship with a person whom I could not know. In fact, it struck me as a distinct possibility that after she figured out who she really was, among other things, she'd come out as lesbian.

I say all of that because my strongest, most over-arching advice to you is to focus on finding yourself. Find your truth. They say after infidelity that the best way to save a marriage is to be 100% willing to lose it. This advice is often given to betrayed spouses, but the intent is the same: find your truth. The marriage has no chance of long-term success if you don't first find your personal truth. 

Of course, if you do find your truth, it is possible that, among other things, your truth is that you don't want to be committed to your spouse. Or, you may find that you do, but that your version of a committed relationship looks different than your current marriage. Or whatever. All I'm saying is that you do yourself and, by extension, your BH a disservice if you continue to mold yourself into the spouse you think he wants you to be (which, given your childhood, I suspect you are doing). Your husband is married to an avatar, and you are living life by proxy. That tension cannot sustain itself.

This probably isn't the advice you want to hear. If so, I apologize in advance. It's the advice that will set you on the path toward becoming a complete, whole, healthy individual. Time after time we tell betrayed spouses to eschew marital counseling with their cheaters because cheaters are, by definition, broken people. That their moral compass is messed up. That they need to first fix themselves, make themselves into somebody new, somebody who can be trusted, before the marriage can even become a thing to work on.

This advice to a BS is narrowly focused on just the issue of honesty and trust (because one of the main ingredients of infidelity is dishonesty and breached trust). In your case, I'd apply it more broadly. I don't sense that you are fundamentally a dishonest person. Rather, you are a broken person whose brokenness has led you to be situationally dishonest, both with your BH and even with yourself. I don't think you can heal yourself, or your marriage, until you first achieve a state where you can be bluntly honest with yourself, about yourself, and specifically about who you really are.


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## Life'sGray28 (Nov 2, 2021)

Am I blame shifting? I am hurt. I am confused. How do I even begin unraveling this? I'm really fearful to fully be honest in therapy. I have spent months reading the forums and what not trying to find a situation close to mine, but I can't. Do I have the right to be upset and questioning, or is this some defense mechanism?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sometimes people don’t tell certain things in therapy because they know there are changes that need to be made, and people who need to be held accountable for certain things. Those people are ourselves, and our abusers.

Sometimes this can mean action taken against abusers, and actions to deal with our own flaws and faults. It’s great to see the changes YOU have made for you!! You mention a lot of things you have done in the last two years, you have to be kinder on yourself because those changes are consistent, long-term, and great!!

Once you do fully open up, things will change so dramatically it will shock you. I’ll be honest, and tell you it’s going to be a very lonely process though, don’t expect much from others close to you, people just don’t know what to do, that’s very normal and common. So be very kind to yourself during this time. Don’t expect understanding or sympathy or patience, and you will be ok.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> While your husband is willing to reconcile with you he has to accept that he is a big cause of the trauma you suffered. He was a twenty one year old man sleeping with a fourteen year old girl. He is guilty of a crime and could still be charged.


Not sure he could be charged at this point. Depends on the jurisdiction. 
What the OP describes as her childhood is pretty textbook for the genesis of BPD. Infidelity and promiscuity are pretty rampant among the personality disordered. Glad she is seeking help.
Husband has a tough row to be one here, eating this shyt sandwich. Some can do it, many cannot.
Regardless, keep getting therapy.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Am I the only one here concerned about the fact that she seems to be married to a pedophile, and now that she is older will he be looking to scratch that itch elsewhere?

He was 21, she was 14, I don't know how else to look at this, as many have pointed out she is living with probably one of the most prolific of her abusers.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, you're going to get skewered on her for cheating, so just get ready. But I won't be doing it. 

Did you know that the part of the brain that can predict consequences of our actions isn't fully developed until people are in their mid-20s at least? I mean, you said something related, so that's why I bring that up. Of course, you couldn't know what you were getting yourself into. You were 14 -- and then 15 and then 12 years go by. And why you're having revelations is because your brain is finally an adult brain! No one would expect you to be able to think like an adult as a teenager. What you did is you got drug in past your own maturity and depth. You really needn't blame yourself for those things. 

I hate cheaters, but honestly, I'd be disappointed if at some point, you hadn't woken up and rebelled and started struggling to get out of this mess! Cheating is the wrong way to do it, too hurtful and chaotic, but when have you had the time to develop life skills and wisdom in your chaotic young life? You missed your teen years, and like you said, you had trauma even younger before all that. So definitely apologize for cheating, though men never get over it (nor most women), but don't punish yourself for not having any better sense than you had as a young teen. That was where life pushed you. 

But now you have a thinking brain. You need to free yourself of this tainted marriage, and I HOPE you didn't have kids so that that isn't that difficult and you can make a fresh start and slow down and relax and move one step at a time into adulthood. You do not have to let your past drag you down. You cut off ties when possible that may drag you down emotionally and start fresh. I'm glad you're in therapy. You need to clean up this mess and put it behind you and then stay in therapy and avoid relationships until you are very stable emotionally and mentally so you don't jump right back into a situation you shouldn't. Good luck.


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