# Emotional Connection



## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

Hey,
My wife and I are currently going through a separation. We have been married for 11 years and have two amazing kids.
She has told me the spark is gone and that right now she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me at all.
We had a rough couple years through Covid as I’m sure many couples have. I came to her before she came to me when I could tell that we were going down the wrong path and that I knew we were both not happy.
This of course blew the lid off everything. I did this because I wanted to work towards becoming a stronger couple but she told me that her walls are up and the damage is done.
It has been 2 months but I’ve been working on the faults that I have and growing myself personally. She’s noticed but tells me it just makes her even more angry that I’m doing it now and not before. She says we are just not emotionally connected but I feel that with time just like the feelings left they can come back. I’ve been giving her space and trying my best not to push her further away. We still talk but it’s not easy. She hasn’t asked for a divorce and says a piece of paper doesn’t really matter to her. We are both sensible people and there’s no yelling or screaming between us or talk of lawyers.
Any advice on how to respark the flame or build that emotional connection again?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Higherpath12 said:


> Hey,
> My wife and I are currently going through a separation. We have been married for 11 years and have two amazing kids.
> She has told me the spark is gone and that right now she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me at all.
> We had a rough couple years through Covid as I’m sure many couples have. I came to her before she came to me when I could tell that we were going down the wrong path and that I knew we were both not happy.
> ...


Welcome to TAM. There will be a lot of good advice comments, and empathy. There may also be some hard truths pointed out, take things with a grain of salt.


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

Hi. You are doing the right thing. Please also do apologise for concrete things to your wife and make amends. From what you write I believe there is a chance. As long as you have not cheated the trust and love can come back but it will take some (or a lot) of time, love and devotion. the best advice cherish your wife and navigate through her emotional outbursts. when you approached her about it and she dropped a bomb it was bad right. these outbursts will come, but if you do well it will be less and less. It may not feel like it but actually even if the wife is crying and what you hear in your head is “you are a horrible husband” as long as you are understanding it will make your wife feel closer to you. men dont need to be scared of their wives emotions. they can use it to their mutual good. I am a woman and have been married for ten years, have a similar story, damage was done but I have hope. My husband really is changing. Altough I dont feel the love 100% I feel at least something. even 1-10-30% is good. if not for the change in my husband it would have dropped to 0, at times i felt like that.


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## BlueWhiteClouds (5 mo ago)

I am in a similar situation as you, but one suggestion I've read and that we are trying, let your wife go on a solo vacation by herself for a week.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

My husband and I were going through a very rough point in our marriage. Like your wife, there were many things he did or simply didn't contribute to and when he finally start to attempted to try (halfheartedly try) I was EXTREMELY skeptical and literally just waiting for the fall out for him to go back to his old ways. 

If he loaded the dishwasher and I didn't mention "Oh, I see you did did.." He'd be sure to point it out and make sure he got his 'credit' for doing it. All that did was upset me more. I did notice that he did, but I was scared to say anything thinking he'd think "well, I did my good dead for the month, no need to help any further." 

What I'm saying is just make sure you're coming from a place WITHOUT motive, be genuine and let it ride.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

May16 said:


> Hi. You are doing the right thing. Please also do apologise for concrete things to your wife and make amends. From what you write I believe there is a chance. As long as you have not cheated the trust and love can come back but it will take some (or a lot) of time, love and devotion. the best advice cherish your wife and navigate through her emotional outbursts. when you approached her about it and she dropped a bomb it was bad right. these outbursts will come, but if you do well it will be less and less. It may not feel like it but actually even if the wife is crying and what you hear in your head is “you are a horrible husband” as long as you are understanding it will make your wife feel closer to you. men dont need to be scared of their wives emotions. they can use it to their mutual good. I am a woman and have been married for ten years, have a similar story, damage was done but I have hope. My husband really is changing. Altough I dont feel the love 100% I feel at least something. even 1-10-30% is good. if not for the change in my husband it would have dropped to 0, at times i felt like that.


 I have never cheated on her. She has also said that she doesn’t want to hold me back or drag me along. As in she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels. I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What are her complaints?

Are they valid?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Higherpath12 said:


> she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women


That exact sentence is used by every spouse that is already cheating.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> What are her complaints? Are they valid?


 Not emotionally connected. She wanted to be touched and loved. I was focused on paying off the all debt and making us financially secure. I stopped paying attention to her basically. We were just a good team taking kids to sporting event a or b. Divide and conquer that we stopped paying attention to each other.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> Hey,
> My wife and I are currently going through a separation. We have been married for 11 years and have two amazing kids.
> She has told me the spark is gone and that right now she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me at all.
> We had a rough couple years through Covid as I’m sure many couples have. I came to her before she came to me when I could tell that we were going down the wrong path and that I knew we were both not happy.
> ...


What are the 'faults' you are working on and what are you doing to grow?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> That exact sentence is used by every spouse that is already cheating.


Well, that is an interesting observation. I do not disagree.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> What are the 'faults' you are working on and what are you doing to grow?


One was that I never plan or take the kids on any vacations.
So I’ve been taking them camping and spending more quality time with them. I’ve also been rebuilding the friendships with my friends that I’ve let slide over the years by doing guys trips with them. Hiking/golfing
I’ve been running lots and working out. I’m actually in the best shape of my life right now.
I’ve been trying to listen more to what her needs are. Since she asked for space and the separation I’ve been letting her have her space and not overwhelming her with calls or messages and trying not to have any arguments or push conversations.
she’s told me she see my changes but instead of it making her happy it’s making her more mad because I’m doing it now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Higherpath12 said:


> I have never cheated on her. She has also said that she doesn’t want to hold me back or drag me along. As in she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels. I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.



BINGO....her words are clearly written from a woman who has moved on emotional and physically.....i suggest you just work on yourself (however you want to define it) and let her go...i knwo this is going to be hard for you because you sadly are more invested in this relationship then she is and so she will not respond in the same way you are....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Higherpath12 said:


> One was that I never plan or take the kids on any vacations.
> So I’ve been taking them camping and spending more quality time with them. I’ve also been rebuilding the friendships with my friends that I’ve let slide over the years by doing guys trips with them. Hiking/golfing
> I’ve been running lots and working out. I’m actually in the best shape of my life right now.
> I’ve been trying to listen more to what her needs are. Since she asked for space and the separation I’ve been letting her have her space and not overwhelming her with calls or messages and trying not to have any arguments or push conversations.
> she’s told me she see my changes but instead of it making her happy it’s making her more mad because I’m doing it now.


Too bad it is making her mad you are not doing this for her but for you if she comes around find if not fine you are doing this for you and your kids.....


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> BINGO....her words are clearly written from a woman who has moved on emotional and physically.....i suggest you just work on yourself (however you want to define it) and let her go...i knwo this is going to be hard for you because you sadly are more invested in this relationship then she is and so she will not respond in the same way you are....


 Yeah I understand that I truly do and it is easier I’m finding to let go. We broke up once when we were younger before marriage and kids for over a year. Then we ran into each other again and the rest is history. I just don’t want to make a permanent decision in case the same thing happens again. I know everyone’s emotions change because emotions are not permanent in most cases. I feel like she still isn’t a 100 percent sure as she hasn’t asked for a divorce yet. The toughest thing for me is the time I always like to have a plan and a path and this is definitely new to me and I want to be able to say that I didn’t give up or not try.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> One was that I never plan or take the kids on any vacations.
> So I’ve been taking them camping and spending more quality time with them. I’ve also been rebuilding the friendships with my friends that I’ve let slide over the years by doing guys trips with them. Hiking/golfing
> I’ve been running lots and working out. I’m actually in the best shape of my life right now.
> I’ve been trying to listen more to what her needs are. Since she asked for space and the separation I’ve been letting her have her space and not overwhelming her with calls or messages and trying not to have any arguments or push conversations.
> she’s told me she see my changes but instead of it making her happy it’s making her more mad because I’m doing it now.


Did you ask her if she noticed or did she bring it up?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re doing your best to change. She’ll either come around or she won’t. But you’ll be better off for it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Higherpath12 said:


> Yeah I understand that I truly do and it is easier I’m finding to let go. We broke up once when we were younger before marriage and kids for over a year. Then we ran into each other again and the rest is history. I just don’t want to make a permanent decision in case the same thing happens again. I know everyone’s emotions change because emotions are not permanent in most cases. I feel like she still isn’t a 100 percent sure as she hasn’t asked for a divorce yet. The toughest thing for me is the time I always like to have a plan and a path and this is definitely new to me and I want to be able to say that I didn’t give up or not try.


the path is your journey into self discovery and the plan is the actions you will take to enjoy the real you....it ought never be predicated on being someone for the sake of someone else


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Did you ask her if she noticed or did she bring it up?


She brought it up


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

Higherpath12 said:


> I have never cheated on her. She has also said that she doesn’t want to hold me back or drag me along. As in she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels. I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.


At times I felt like your wife. Like I didnt even care anymore what my husband does, if he cheats or whatever. so much emotional disconnect. but this feeling was not true. of course i would have cared. but it would mean a definite end to our relationship. maybe she is just showing you the hurt. definitely dont cheat on her. be a respectful and respectable man in all areas of your life. if she cheats, her bad. dont be the cheating spouse. be the better and happier you and see what follows.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

May16 said:


> At times I felt like your wife. Like I didnt even care anymore what my husband does, if he cheats or whatever. so much emotional disconnect. but this feeling was not true. of course i would have cared. but it would mean a definite end to our relationship. maybe she is just showing you the hurt. definitely dont cheat on her. be a respectful and respectable man in all areas of your life. if she cheats, her bad. dont be the cheating spouse. be the better and happier you and see what follows.


Yeah for sure cheating has never been part of my character and never will. I feel that she is having a hard time with the feeling that it’s all on her and doesn’t want to be seen as the person who ended it. She was truly amazed at how I reacted to the whole situation. She thought that I didn’t love her and that I didn’t care. When my reaction was one of understanding and wanting to try to work on this and improve on our relationship and try to work things out. It wasn’t what she was expecting and didn’t know how to respond to it.


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

Higherpath12 said:


> Yeah for sure cheating has never been part of my character and never will. I feel that she is having a hard time with the feeling that it’s all on her and doesn’t want to be seen as the person who ended it. She was truly amazed at how I reacted to the whole situation. She thought that I didn’t love her and that I didn’t care. When my reaction was one of understanding and wanting to try to work on this and improve on our relationship and try to work things out. It wasn’t what she was expecting and didn’t know how to respond to it.


that is strange. so how exactly did she respond?


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

May16 said:


> that is strange. so how exactly did she respond?


That she wanted to separate and needed space. So I said okay and we have been switching places week on week off so the kids don’t feel out of place. But now we have a rental lined up and she is going to stay full time in there and me full time at the house. Lastnight she said at this moment she’s done and doesn’t want to drag me along yet doesn’t want to sell the house yet as that would be it. It’s sentimental as that’s where we started our family and it’s on a lake which once you sell that you’ll never get it back so…I don’t know.


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

Higherpath12 said:


> That she wanted to separate and needed space. So I said okay and we have been switching places week on week off so the kids don’t feel out of place. But now we have a rental lined up and she is going to stay full time in there and me full time at the house. Lastnight she said at this moment she’s done and doesn’t want to drag me along yet doesn’t want to sell the house yet as that would be it. It’s sentimental as that’s where we started our family and it’s on a lake which once you sell that you’ll never get it back so…I don’t know.


This sounds serious but if I was you I would keep calm and wait a month or so. Maybe she wants to see a change in you, or needs a calm place to think about the relationship. the worse alternative, she really wants D or has an affair. be kind to her but also be observant.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> Hey,
> My wife and I are currently going through a separation. We have been married for 11 years and have two amazing kids.
> She has told me the spark is gone and that right now she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me at all.
> We had a rough couple years through Covid as I’m sure many couples have. I came to her before she came to me when I could tell that we were going down the wrong path and that I knew we were both not happy.
> ...


Dude, you are being played. She’s just dragging this out so she can divorce you at her convenience once she has everything lined up exactly right and has some kind of commitment from another man. That’s all this is. She flat out told you she doesn’t want you anymore and you’re still chasing her around trying to earn your way back into her heart like a pathetic little puppy. Stop.

You need to take control of this situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow this separation to continue for one more day.
A separation is only a way to 

ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or 
try out another man/men. You both can work on your issues at home. You can give her some space without a separation. 
She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between. 
If she insists on this separation then YOU need to file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience. 
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly. 
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP, the hurtful truth is this - when a woman is done, she's *done*.

She rented her OWN place. Come on, open your eyes.

It sounds to me like she's going to live her 'single' life in her new place (the single life you don't know about) while she plays you and keeps you interested enough because she knows you'll do anything for her. You're nothing more than an option, a soft place to land, should her new single life not be the Shangri-la she's hoping it will be.

It's time to back out and start worrying about yourself. 

Don't be* ANYONE'S* option, OP. Respect yourself more.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, the hurtful truth is this - when a woman is done, she's *done*.
> 
> She rented her OWN place. Come on, open your eyes.
> 
> ...


We have no debt and our financials are good like we both have on par paying jobs so it’s not like she’s getting anything out of it financially by dragging it on. I’m also not chasing her and in no rush to meet anyone new. Why not take the time to figure out my issues and Become a better person for my next partner instead of rushing into another relationship and making the same mistakes.
Im not hung up on her anymore like my heart ache like it did at first. I just see the opportunity that if the relationship makes it passed this it would be that much stronger. I live in a small town and it’s nearly impossible to keep anything a secret so if something was going on I would find out eventually.
I’m the mean time if she does get over her resentment and does see the changes are real and her emotions changed then wouldn’t it be worth it?


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Dude, you are being played. She’s just dragging this out so she can divorce you at her convenience once she has everything lined up exactly right and has some kind of commitment from another man. That’s all this is. She flat out told you she doesn’t want you anymore and you’re still chasing her around trying to earn your way back into her heart like a pathetic little puppy. Stop.
> 
> You need to take control of this situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.
> 
> ...





She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, the hurtful truth is this - when a woman is done, she's *done*.
> 
> She rented her OWN place. Come on, open your eyes.
> 
> ...


Dude I’m not chasing her. I’m just giving her space because I haven’t payed attention or listened to her for the last two years. I’m not in a rush to move on to a new woman until I fix the issues with myself or I’ll just be bringing the same issues into the next relationship.
If she’s chooses another man or to divorce that’s okay I can let her go. I promised myself that I wouldn’t give up on my family and if that’s the outcome then so be it.
My question was more looking for advice on how to respark the flame and try to ease some of the resentment with me. I’m not hung up on her but I’m not ready for a new relationship so what’s wrong with time. I mean if I happen by chance to meet someone then I do and I’ll have that conversation with her how my feelings have changed.
Why rush into a divorce if you don’t have to?
I get to stay in our house full time and she’s in a rental.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> Dude I’m not chasing her. I’m just giving her space because I haven’t payed attention or listened to her for the last two years. I’m not in a rush to move on to a new woman until I fix the issues with myself or I’ll just be bringing the same issues into the next relationship.
> If she’s chooses another man or to divorce that’s okay I can let her go. I promised myself that I wouldn’t give up on my family and if that’s the outcome then so be it.
> My question was more looking for advice on how to respark the flame and try to ease some of the resentment with me. I’m not hung up on her but I’m not ready for a new relationship so what’s wrong with time. I mean if I happen by chance to meet someone then I do and I’ll have that conversation with her how my feelings have changed.
> Why rush into a divorce if you don’t have to?
> I get to stay in our house full time and she’s in a rental.


You’re not getting what we’re saying.
You can’t rekindle anything while you’re separated.
Because her mind and heart are not on you. They’re deliberately and purposefully not on you. That’s the whole ****ing point of the separation dude.
So stop the self-flagellation about trying to atone for not listening or giving her enough attention over the last couple of years and start approaching your situation rationally, from position of strength and dignity.
working on yourself is good, and critical. But nothing gets solved while separated. Other than you getting played for a fool and betrayed while you think you’re “giving her space“

The whole point of the separation is to detach from you and have her own space to start acting single again and ease her way into a divorce more conveniently. And there’s a good chance she’s already found another man that she’s interested in and wants this space to try him out.

You cannot turn this around while separated. That’s the point. There is no ****ing rekindling while physically separated. Her mind (and potentially heart and body) are deliberately focused elsewhere


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> My husband and I were going through a very rough point in our marriage. Like your wife, there were many things he did or simply didn't contribute to and when he finally start to attempted to try (halfheartedly try) I was EXTREMELY skeptical and literally just waiting for the fall out for him to go back to his old ways.
> 
> If he loaded the dishwasher and I didn't mention "Oh, I see you did did.." He'd be sure to point it out and make sure he got his 'credit' for doing it. All that did was upset me more. I did notice that he did, but I was scared to say anything thinking he'd think "well, I did my good dead for the month, no need to help any further."
> 
> What I'm saying is just make sure you're coming from a place WITHOUT motive, be genuine and let it ride.


That would be so hard to take. Because it's not like you got kudos every day of your life together that you did it. But he wants brownie points.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> You’re not getting what we’re saying.
> You can’t rekindle anything while you’re separated.
> Because her mind and heart are not on you. They’re deliberately and purposefully not on you. That’s the whole ****ing point of the separation dude.
> So stop the self-flagellation about trying to atone for not listening or giving her enough attention over the last couple of years and start approaching your situation rationally, from position of strength and dignity.
> ...


I understand what you’re saying so let me ask you this.
What is to gain from rushing to a divorce when
1. I get the house and I’m not displaced.
2. I’m emotionally fine of the outcome either way. Like I’m sleeping fine And I’ve come to terms with it.
3. If I happen to meet someone then great I’ll push for the divorce.
4. She meets someone then we get a divorce that’s alright.
5. She gets the experience of living alone because she’s been with friends the whole time and reality hits her. She either realizes she’s better off or realizes she’s mad a mistake and wants to try. She then has to ask me who I’m not sure I’ll want to or not by then.



Im just curious as what the benefit is of being a big man and running out to divorce right away. Sounds like high school when you hear a rumour your gf is going to dump you so you rush to dump her first so you can be like I dumped her.

What is the benefit of rushing to divorce someone first?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> I understand what you’re saying so let me ask you this.
> What is to gain from rushing to a divorce when
> 1. I get the house and I’m not displaced.
> 2. I’m emotionally fine of the outcome either way. Like I’m sleeping fine And I’ve come to terms with it.
> ...


It’s not rushing to a divorce, it’s denying her the ability to string you along in a situation that will never work out the way you want it to.

It’s not allowing her the benefits of remaining your wife, while she’s out test driving another man.

It’s having enough dignity to refuse to be her back up plan.

It’s operating in a world of personal and marital integrity, where if she refuses to act as your wife, then she doesn’t get to remain your wife. 
And she has chosen to no longer behave and conduct herself as your wife. So Unless that changes, I suggest you act accordingly.

It’s about understanding and respecting the reality that if you want any chance at saving your marriage, it will not happen while separated.
If you really hope to save your marriage, you need to be willing to lose it, and even accelerate its termination, if you want any hope of success. And that requires you having the strength and courage to take control of the situation instead of passively allowing her all the control.

You’re the one who came here looking for help on how to rekindle things with her and basically win her back.
So I’m calling ******** on the idea that you are completely fine no matter how this plays out. You’re just trying to justify not taking any serious and decisive action.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP. I tend to agree that women who are done generally don't come back. But any chance you have involves a hard line.

Should you have made changes sooner? Sure, but you can't change that. You're doing it now and if that's not enough for her then it's not enough.

None of this "separating" crap. She wants out? File yourself. Tell her you understand she's angry and don't blame her bur since she's out you're moving on with your life.

If she decides to make real efforts and wants back in you can consider it. Right now you're a backup plan and that's unattractive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Higherpath12 said:


> I have never cheated on her. She has also said that she doesn’t want to hold me back or drag me along. *As in she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels.* I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.


From what I’ve seen, a woman that says that and is separated from her husband is telling you that SHE is planning on dating and sleeping with other men and doesn’t want YOUR feelings to change because she enjoys your emotional and possible financial support.

I hate to tell you, your marriage is over and your wife is keeping you on the hook in order to use you while she test drives other men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Higherpath12 said:


> That she wanted to separate and needed space. So I said okay and we have been switching places week on week off so the kids don’t feel out of place. But now we have a rental lined up and she is going to stay full time in there and me full time at the house. Lastnight she said at this moment she’s done and doesn’t want to drag me along yet doesn’t want to sell the house yet as that would be it. It’s sentimental as that’s where we started our family and it’s on a lake which once you sell that you’ll never get it back so…I don’t know.


I need space. Translation: I want to bang another dude without you knowing.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> You’re not getting what we’re saying.
> You can’t rekindle anything while you’re separated.
> Because her mind and heart are not on you. They’re deliberately and purposefully not on you. That’s the whole ****ing point of the separation dude.
> So stop the self-flagellation about trying to atone for not listening or giving her enough attention over the last couple of years and start approaching your situation rationally, from position of strength and dignity.
> ...





DownByTheRiver said:


> That would be so hard to take. Because it's not like you got kudos every day of your life together that you did it. But he wants brownie points.


This was my life for 15 years. I didn't realize how taken for granted I was until the last two or so. Water under the bridge now that he's gone though.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Somebody tell OP what’s really going on with his wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Somebody tell OP what’s really going on with his wife.


Several of us have tried. He’s not listening and apparently doesn’t want to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> It’s not rushing to a divorce, it’s denying her the ability to string you along in a situation that will never work out the way you want it to.
> 
> It’s not allowing her the benefits of remaining your wife, while she’s out test driving another man.
> 
> ...


Well put sir. I have nothing to add other than to ask the OP to study these words carefully. There is wisdom in this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP. Your wife is already cheating on you, and has been for a while now.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Several of us have tried. He’s not listening and apparently doesn’t want to.


I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.

I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce. 

Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.
> 
> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.
> 
> Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


Best of luck. The point is, she is showing many of the signs of a cheater. We don't know her, and we don't know if she's cheating. If you subscribe to the idea that where there's smoke, there's fire, then we're suggesting that you pay attention to the smoke. We hope we're wrong. We usually are not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Higherpath12 said:


> I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.
> 
> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.
> 
> Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


Best of luck going forward.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Higherpath12 said:


> I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.
> 
> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.
> 
> Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


Glad to hear it. Your situation sucks, but it sucks a lot less when you take control of it.
Good luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Higherpath12 said:


> I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.
> 
> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.
> 
> Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


You’re doing the right thing. Pursuing just makes them run faster. A divorce doesn’t happen overnight. If she loves you, she will come to you. I don’t think she does.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Glad to hear it. Your situation sucks, but it sucks a lot less when you take control of it.
> Good luck


Thanks man


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Higherpath12 said:


> I listened….after talking with my father and my closest friends they all had the same advice.
> 
> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.
> 
> Thanks guys I feel like I’ve gained a piece of myself back and I do feel empowered.


Good luck to you.. come back and let us know how you're doing.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Yes OP, for marital issues, both spouses have to be committed to the M. It wasn’t the case with you, you were left in limbo. These issues could have been worked on as a couple, but she chose to walk away.

By D her, it gives you the freedom to move on with your life. Don’t waste energy and time on someone not committed to you.

Now that you are D her, it doesn’t matter if she’s mad that you changed too late or whatever happened in the past. There’s no need to talk about what you did or didn’t do, what she did or didn’t do… You only need to keep communication opened for the children. Anything else doesn’t matter.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

OP, sorry you’re going through this. Been there and it sucks. Three things….

One…change for you, not for your wife. If she found fault in you, the next woman will too. So work on whatever it is for your future.

Two…if you want to reconcile, all you can do is give her space. Don’t pursue, don’t beg, don’t ask questions. Basically leave her alone and work on you. You and her are business partners only for now. And your business is your kids. Work on making that prosper for their benefit.

Three…no woman just volunteers to leave the family home she raised her kids in…unless she’s got someone else waiting in the wings. Listen to the others. As painful as it is to hear.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Higherpath12 said:


> It has been 2 months but I’ve been working on the faults that I have and growing myself personally.


Yeah, that will benefit you whichever way this goes.

If you're changing, she'll probably see it, because you have 2 children so will have to be in communication with each other.



Higherpath12 said:


> she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels. I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.


Could be either.



Higherpath12 said:


> Dude I’m not chasing her. I’m just giving her space because* I haven’t payed attention or listened to her for the last two years. *


Only two years?



> I’m not in a rush to move on to a new woman until I fix the issues with myself or I’ll just be bringing the same issues into the next relationship.


Exactly!



> My question was more looking for advice on how to respark the flame and try to ease some of the resentment with me.


If she's willing for that reconnection to happen, then some good MC could help. But maybe do some work on yourself first.



Higherpath12 said:


> I’ve been trying to listen more to what her needs are. Since she asked for space and the separation I’ve been letting her have her space and not overwhelming her with calls or messages and trying not to have any arguments or push conversations.


You don't know how to connect emotionally, do you? You better work on that, because if you don't need it with her, you'll need it with the next one, eventually.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Higherpath12 said:


> I called my wife and asked her to come by because I had something to discuss. I told her that I needed to move on with my life and I was truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her but that I wanted a divorce.


OK. Here's exercise 1. When you told her that, how did YOU feel? And how did SHE feel? 

The fact that you didn't mention her response is interesting.


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## ytho (10 mo ago)

OP, 

I read through the replies, and your posts, and while some of the replies sound harsh, there is a sad truth to them. 

I understand where you are all to well. I was in your shoes months ago. I had hope. "Surely this can't be the case in my marriage!" "Surely the woman I trusted isn't seeing someone else! That would be so unlike her. If this was true I truly never knew her!"

I didn't. I didn't know know she had it in her to be as cruel as she was. I still don't know the person she turned into. She was done. She told me so. And there was a rebound attempt that was hidden from me. 

I have since learned that some replies, though harsh to hear, come from experience. 

I'll give you another harsh truth.. don't hang on to hope for a change in her. It will only bring you pain.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

ytho said:


> OP,
> 
> I read through the replies, and your posts, and while some of the replies sound harsh, there is a sad truth to them.
> 
> ...





Laurentium said:


> OK. Here's exercise 1. When you told her that, how did YOU feel? And how did SHE feel?
> 
> The fact that you didn't mention her response is interesting.


Sorry to hear you went through the same thing and I appreciate the advice.
I slept fine lastnight and I’m fine today and I was calm through the whole conversation. I agree there is probably something going on and that’s fine because I feel relieved. I feel that I was holding on for the sake of the kids and after finally coming to terms with it I feel like a weight has lifted off my chest and I can start over.
I won’t be dating right away because I’m not ready for that. My goal is to be with myself and continue to better myself by reading good books and exercising like I have been. Working on better communication with my friends and family and truly listening and understanding them when I have conversations with them. I won’t make the mistake by rushing into something that is easy.

Anyways this forum helped and I truly appreciate everyone’s honest advice.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Higherpath12 said:


> I was calm through the whole conversation.


On the outside, maybe, but what was on the inside, when you were saying it?



> I feel that I was holding on for the sake of the kids and after finally coming to terms with it I feel like a weight has lifted off my chest


Yeah, that's a good description of a feeling.

Can you intuit what she was feeling in the conversation?

The reason I ask these questions is because you said "_she says we are just not emotionally connected_ " and no amount of working out or reading books will give you that skill of connecting. And you'll need it, for your children, or anyone else you have a relationship with.



Higherpath12 said:


> She was truly amazed at how I reacted to the whole situation. She thought that I didn’t love her and that I didn’t care. When my reaction was one of understanding and wanting to try to work on this and improve on our relationship and try to work things out. It wasn’t what she was expecting and she didn’t know how to respond to it.


Yeah, this is good reading of her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You handled that well.

Have you considered how you will handle things if she tries to come back? Its not uncommon when the spouse realizes they can't upgrade and wants the stability of their old life.

The fact that she went the separation route tells me she was still feeling out her options. You may start to look good when she sees the **** show that waits for her.

I never did the separation thing because I was done with my exes. I didn't care if I found anything else and as such went straight to divorce. Separation is used to sniff out options.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> You handled that well.
> 
> Have you considered how you will handle things if she tries to come back? Its not uncommon when the spouse realizes they can't upgrade and wants the stability of their old life.
> 
> ...


I don’t think anyone can truly answer that question until it happens to them and what the other person is going to say.

Right now I’m focused on moving on, learning from my mistakes and becoming the best me that I can be.
Like you said sniffing out options. I’m better then an option and I won’t be her safety net.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Higherpath12 said:


> I have never cheated on her. She has also said that she doesn’t want to hold me back or drag me along. *As in she said she doesn’t care if I date or sleep with other women that it wouldn’t affect how she feels.* I think that’s absurd I know I would care so I don’t know how to take that. Whether she’s testing me or maybe she has already done that and feels guilty.


I would just like to reiterate that these words are practically an admission to you that she plans on dating and sleeping with other men. She told you that SPECIFICALLY to alleviate her own guilt because she’s already doing it to you. You’re doing the right thing.


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