# Am I Justified in Being Upset with my Husband?



## Melanie81 (May 8, 2014)

My husband is emotionally distant. He never talks about his feelings or connects with me on a more intimate level. When I've confronted him about this he says that I'm being self centered and it usually ends in an argument in which he leaves and wants space. I've tried giving him space but in the end I resent him even more. 

Earlier this evening I had dinner with a friend and called my husband on my way home. He told me he'd stopped by his parents and would be home later. I got home and waited for 2 hours until he got home. When I greeted him at the door he told me he'd been longer than he anticipated because his father, an alcoholic, was having an episode and that the whole family was there dealing with it (husbands and wives included). I was the only not there and when I asked him what happened he said he didn't want to talk about it. I can't even believe this any more. I feel so bad for him and this situation but cannot do anything to help or connect with him on this. Right now I'm feeling angry that he's pushing me away yet again and I am not a part of this event in his life. 

Am I justified in feeling this way? If so, what do I do? I feel so alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you spoken to anyone else in his family? Are you sure that something happened at his father's?

How long has your husband been like this?


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## Moderate (May 7, 2014)

I would be upset if I was in your position. I'd be thinking if any of the other family members approached me about the drunken incident with the father in law, they would assume I had been told about it by my H and i would be embarrassed for them to know that he had refused to fill me in.

Just playing devil's advocate though, maybe your H needed a little time to cool down from the incident. Like he may not want to go into details the minute he got home but after some time to chill (like the next morning at the latest) he should be filling you in on what happened, even without you having to approach him about it again. 

But i still say, yes, you are justified, especially if you believe that he will not be coming back to you later to fill you in and this sort of thing happens regularly.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Melanie81 said:


> My husband is emotionally distant. He never talks about his feelings or connects with me on a more intimate level. When I've confronted him about this he says that I'm being self centered and it usually ends in an argument in which he leaves and wants space. I've tried giving him space but in the end I resent him even more.
> 
> Earlier this evening I had dinner with a friend and called my husband on my way home. He told me he'd stopped by his parents and would be home later. I got home and waited for 2 hours until he got home. When I greeted him at the door he told me he'd been longer than he anticipated because his father, an alcoholic, was having an episode and that the whole family was there dealing with it (husbands and wives included). I was the only not there and when I asked him what happened he said he didn't want to talk about it. I can't even believe this any more. I feel so bad for him and this situation but cannot do anything to help or connect with him on this. Right now I'm feeling angry that he's pushing me away yet again and I am not a part of this event in his life.
> 
> Am I justified in feeling this way? If so, what do I do? I feel so alone.


I may be wrong for this. I do not care to share anything about what my family goes through with my BF. There is too much judgment. I absolutely cannot get past that. Past that in general with people. The listening and understanding goes right out the door. Your husband may not want to talk about it immediately. Dealing with an alcoholic is hard to understand if you have never been around one. ITs very depressing.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Melanie81 said:


> My husband is emotionally distant. He never talks about his feelings or connects with me on a more intimate level. When I've confronted him about this he says that I'm being self centered and it usually ends in an argument in which he leaves and wants space. I've tried giving him space but in the end I resent him even more.
> 
> Earlier this evening I had dinner with a friend and called my husband on my way home. He told me he'd stopped by his parents and would be home later. I got home and waited for 2 hours until he got home. When I greeted him at the door he told me he'd been longer than he anticipated because his father, an alcoholic, was having an episode and that the whole family was there dealing with it (husbands and wives included). I was the only not there and when I asked him what happened he said he didn't want to talk about it. I can't even believe this any more. I feel so bad for him and this situation but cannot do anything to help or connect with him on this. Right now I'm feeling angry that he's pushing me away yet again and I am not a part of this event in his life.
> 
> Am I justified in feeling this way? If so, what do I do? I feel so alone.


You cannot be justified or not as to what you FEEL. These are your feelings. Accept you have the right to feel, and be glad you wrote this post. It could be the beginning of a healing.

I guess the first thing to do is ask him if he wants to work on the marriage. If he does (give him some time to come to that conclusion), learn to communicate. Non violent communication is the way to go. Read about it, see some video on youtube. 

Ask for his problems, get to what he feels about things. Find out what his needs, or pains and hurting is behind all of that.
Just do not argue, reason or whatever. Learn from him.

If he wants to work on the marriage, he has to learn to do the same with you. 

Report here how things go for advise, I really think this is a powerful community because the power of all the combined experience.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Melanie81 said:


> My husband is emotionally distant. He never talks about his feelings or connects with me on a more intimate level. When I've confronted him about this he says that I'm being self centered and it usually ends in an argument in which he leaves and wants space. I've tried giving him space but in the end I resent him even more.
> 
> Earlier this evening I had dinner with a friend and called my husband on my way home. He told me he'd stopped by his parents and would be home later. I got home and waited for 2 hours until he got home. When I greeted him at the door he told me he'd been longer than he anticipated because his father, an alcoholic, was having an episode and that the whole family was there dealing with it (husbands and wives included). I was the only not there and when I asked him what happened he said he didn't want to talk about it. I can't even believe this any more. I feel so bad for him and this situation but cannot do anything to help or connect with him on this. Right now I'm feeling angry that he's pushing me away yet again and I am not a part of this event in his life.
> 
> Am I justified in feeling this way? If so, what do I do? I feel so alone.


Labels (emotionally distant). "never". "confront". "resent". "angry". "justified".

I've pointed out some key words in what you've written that paint a picture that, to me, actually does seem self centered. For example, he really NEVER talks to you about feelings, or not as often or as recently as you like? And, specifically, what does "connect with you" actually mean?

You end with a request to basically sanction your feelings. Why is that? Do you intend to use this information, that random strangers on the internet "agree" with you, to "angrily" "confront" him again? If so, do you think that this would be a productive way for someone to get YOU to open up?

In the end, there is no need to "justify" your feelings. They are what they are. You are clearly hurt, but the answer to you being hurt is not to ensure that your husband is hurt as well. Consider how HE may be feeling about the entire family situation: he is quite likely embarrassed already. While you clearly have some empathy for him, your concern is focus on how embarrassed you MIGHT be if someone found out you didn't know all the details. That's a mighty interesting perspective to have.

Here's something to try: calm non-threatening discussion. Play up some positives to get all the negative passed away (a nice meal, some relaxation time). Then when you have some time that you can devote to yourselves, tell him calmly and slowly, without placing anything that could be considered "blame" on him, that you feel that something is missing and you would like to work on it. Don't require that he respond immediately. In the end, showing that you are someone who is receptive of his feelings, instead of someone who wants to be "right" and "justified" in their indignation, will open your husband up far quicker.


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## Moderate (May 7, 2014)

It was me that mentioned embarrassment and speaking for myself I often feel a need to know whether or not others might feel similarly. But _excellent _that ET1SS went further and pointed out that others agreeing doesn't necessarily make something right or mean that there is not still work to do to improve things all round.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Speaking as an emotionally distant, less-communicative man, I can tell you that, while your frustration is understandable, getting angry with him and taking him to task for the way he is at this particular time is going to be counterproductive. Find ways to let him know that you care about how he feels and what he thinks that don't involve demanding that he share things with you.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Melanie, I do sympathise with you. That's a lousy situation.

My husband shut me out emotionally right after he ate the wedding cake. In the beginning he didn't communicate with me - not nice for a new bride . Turns out he was still getting his emotional needs met by his mum who used to ring him up on a daily basis and by the time I got home from working in the city he had nothing to say to me. He had already shared his day, feelings, thoughts etc with his mother  it made me feel shut out.

I don't have any advice just wanted to share my situation. Too, maybe he needs some downtime to process what went on at his folks house before he shares the details with you. :scratchhead:


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