# Anxiety and grieving after divorce was finalized.



## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Hello,

I recently finalized the divorce with my ex-wife. The divorce was uncontested and had very little difficulties with the legal process. 

I was the one that decided to initiate the divorce. My marriage lasted almost 10 years and we dated for 3. All through the marriage we had a very close friendship but the marriage part of things never worked as well as it could have. My ex just didn't have the capacity to reach out and really support my needs. Over time I had lost myself and did not respect my needs in the relationship as being important. It was the symptoms of the relationship that caused me to initiate the divorce. I later learned through counseling and extensive talks with my family that the cause was one of being very controlled and emotionally disrespected. I gave everything into the marriage and my mantra every day was "how is she doing?, what can I do that might make her feel better today?"

Over the years I lost myself and became deeply depressed. Somehow I just knew that things had to change or I was going to die inside. 

The day the divorce was finalized I suffered from extreme Stockholm Syndrom tendencies. I had a strong sense to return back to that marriage and try it again. I knew that it wasn't what I wanted but my emotions were very powerful. Since the divorce I have met the most incredible, beautiful woman ever. It has been the most incredible experience that has ever happened to me. My family has noticed a complete 180 in my energy and happiness.

Here is what I am struggling with. I still continue to grieve the loss of the marriage-relationship. I still want her in my life even though I know that it isn't what would be good for me. The emotions from what was good in the marriage are still very strong. So I am having a lot of difficulties letting go and moving on completely with my new wonderful future. 

What can I do to move on and break the emotional ties from my past marriage?

Right now I am working with a counselor and we have made very good progress. I could just use some help from others who may have some ideas to help me stay on target on my new life and not fall back into wanting what I knew wasn't a good relationship for marriage. 

Thanks!


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together

That simple I believe....


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## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Thank you,

That is really insightful of you to say. It has been a very hard transition even though I think it was the best thing to do. I deeply care about my ex-wife but it wasn't going to be the healthiest relationship over the long term. It is very hard to say goodbye to the wonderful moments and to a really good friend.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I struggled for a long time. My situation seems very similar to yours in a roundabout way. Add 2 children to the mix. The separation and what lead to it was on my ex. However, I filed for D in anger, and then a few months later had serious second thoughts. MC and any reconciliation didn't work cuz she was 2-3years emotionally gone.

I hurt. I was miserable. Didn't see anything positive. And all this while we were amicable and shared the children 50-50.

I can say time helped. Just another minute or hour or day was progress. Counseling helped. Hearing from a variety of different people in different stages in life helped. Prayer and self-reflection helped. Exercise helped. Anger helped. Close friendships helped.

And, finally, the day of divorce, that I had dreaded so long occurred. At that moment, a huge, emotional weight was lifted. I no longer felt the intense anger, sadness, regret, fear, that I held and that tormented me for so long.

Done.

And, while my ex and I are amicable, we are business like. I have 0 interaction with her apart from the children. And I am at peace with that. I see, hear and think about her less and less and less. Our happy times together are a fleeting memory. Yes, at the time they were intense, but, I really forget now. 

Happy people make happy marriages. Marriages don't make people happy. Focus on yourself and your needs and wants so that you are ready to be vulnerable to give yourself completely to someone and be committed for life.

IMHO


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## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Thank you JayB for sharing.


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