# Ancient History. Dead In-laws.



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Question for those that have experienced a significant other that constantly brings up what their dead/alive in-law had done in the past. For example, my wife during an argument will state the following. "You're acting just like your mother". My mother is dead. What she did in life and interacted with my wife is something I can not fix. It is like she is projecting the resentment towards my mother on to me. My wife will also do this when a disagreement arises but claim I'm acting like my brother who is alive. Why does she not see this as me and constant comparing of people I have zero control over(actions/words). My wife's family has a plethora is problems, issues, actions and words that have built some resentment in me yet I do not say to my wife she is acting like her mom, dad, brother, sister, cousin, etc. How do you, if you have experienced this, handle it? What is your response?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Give her a taste of her own medicine.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If disagreements at your house are vindictive brawls, then that is the problem that needs fixed. It is unavoidable you will disagree about stuff, but you should both try to respect the other and try to be constructive about getting to some agreement.

If disagreements are mostly constructive, then this is the outlier and you can point out you didn't choose your family and if she has a problem w/ your behavior to leave them out of it.

If the principle of Be Constructive isn't there you might want to do couples counselling to develop that communication style.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Are you acting like your mother or brother when she says you are? I mean, her problem isn't with them, it's with you behaving like them (assuming what she says is true, of course).

Rather than being upset with being compared to them, you'd be better off having a calm conversation at some later moment in time with her after she says it and find out what you're doing to draw her ire and compare you to them.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> If disagreements at your house are vindictive brawls, then that is the problem that needs fixed. It is unavoidable you will disagree about stuff, but you should both try to respect the other and try to be constructive about getting to some agreement.
> 
> If disagreements are mostly constructive, then this is the outlier and you can point out you didn't choose your family and if she has a problem w/ your behavior to leave them out of it.
> 
> If the principle of Be Constructive isn't there you might want to do couples counselling to develop that communication style.


True, I did not choose my family.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> Are you acting like your mother or brother when she says you are? I mean, her problem isn't with them, it's with you behaving like them (assuming what she says is true, of course).
> 
> Rather than being upset with being compared to them, you'd be better off having a calm conversation at some later moment in time with her after she says it and find out what you're doing to draw her ire and compare you to them.


No, her problem has always been with my mother. However, my wife states I act like my mother who would say her say and not let my wife have her say. Problem here is my wife clams up. How can she have her say when silence is her response? When provided the opportunity during the argument my wife simply says she is done talking about it. As if what I'm saying makes sense, she is off the mark and refuses to own it. Her go to is I'm acting like my mother.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Give her a taste of her own medicine.


I'm not that way. I see everyone as their own person and do not compare. I do not hold resentment(caused by one of her family members)over my wife's head. Comparing a person to another good or bad I do not do.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Her go to is I'm acting like my mother.


"If that's true, I'm sorry. What would you like me to do differently in the future?"

Keep putting it back on her without any suggestions yourself.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Nailhead said:


> No, her problem has always been with my mother. However, my wife states I act like my mother who would say her say and not let my wife have her say. Problem here is my wife clams up. How can she have her say when silence is her response? When provided the opportunity during the argument my wife simply says she is done talking about it. As if what I'm saying makes sense, she is off the mark and refuses to own it. Her go to is I'm acting like my mother.


How your mother treats your wife is a different problem than your W bringing up your family when the 2 of you disagree.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> "If that's true, I'm sorry. What would you like me to do differently in the future?"
> 
> Keep putting it back on her without any suggestions yourself.


Thanks. Good response.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> How your mother treats your wife is a different problem than your W bringing up your family when the 2 of you disagree.


Correct. My mother is dead. I can not fix or change the past. But I'm told I'm acting like my mother during an argument. I'm in a situation were there is a go to for response and when I respond my wife goes silent. Then states later(as it stews for a few days) she never gets her say. I go on with life like nothing has happened. I refuse to sit in the corning awaiting a reply or response from my wife. It is mostly silent treatment and I'm to blame she does not get her say.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Correct. My mother is dead. I can not fix or change the past.


It's not about your mother or your brother at all. Change your mindset. It's about you. She goes to them because it bothers you. You (you both, not just you) need to change how you communicate, but for you, the first thing you can do is figure out what's happening to make her throw it back at you. If it's true, it's on you to change. If she's just doing it to piss you off/trigger an emotional response from you, you need to decide if you're going to allow it any longer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sounds like a personality issue your wife has that is not enhancing your relationship at all. Can you suggest counseling?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> It's not about your mother or your brother at all. Change your mindset. It's about you. She goes to them because it bothers you. You (you both, not just you) need to change how you communicate, but for you, the first thing you can do is figure out what's happening to make her throw it back at you. If it's true, it's on you to change. If she's just doing it to piss you off/trigger an emotional response from you, you need to decide if you're going to allow it any longer.


We both need a change. She is provided always the opportunity to speak but shut down then claims I'm acting like my mother(who she says would not let my wife have her say in the matter and go on with life like nothing happened). Am I to sit for days in silence as my wife's second go to is shut down? My mother is dead. People need to let dead people stay dead and not live rent free in their head.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Sounds like a personality issue your wife has that is not enhancing your relationship at all. Can you suggest counseling?


I have quite a few times. The response is I need counseling. So I change the way I handle an argument. I speak differently. I walk away for a breather. But it is always the same. Shut down and does not get to say what she wants to say. If one turns off the light switch there is no light. If one shuts of with talking there is no clearing the air.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

It's.Not.About.Your.Mom.

And yes, if you need to, a simple "Whenever you want to talk about it, I'll be ready," is an acceptable response. Always make it her choice.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> It's.Not.About.Your.Mom.
> 
> And yes, if you need to, a simple "Whenever you want to talk about it, I'll be ready," is an acceptable response. Always make it her choice.


Thanks.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Thanks.


Seriously, If you can remain calm, say "whenever you're ready, I'll be happy to talk about this" with a smile on your face and a kiss to the forehead, you'll have the high ground. She wants the fight. Take away the oxygen to keep the fight burning, and see what happens.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> Seriously, If you can remain calm, say "whenever you're ready, I'll be happy to talk about this" with a smile on your face and a kiss to the forehead, you'll have the high ground. She wants the fight. Take away the oxygen to keep the fight burning, and see what happens.


 I have done this in the past. The silent treatment can be strong with this one. It can go on for days. Then she comes out of it and acts like all is well. She says nothing. I then only find at the next argument that she never gets her say. Thus goes the cycle. Not to say I don't have a cycle but I have changed how I approach an argument. I have made the changes. She remains steadfast to her tactics.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

When she re-engages, don't let her move onto whatever it is she wants from you. "Oh, we're talking again? Have you decided to let me know how I could have handled things differently?" and so on. Don't let her engage on the next topic.

Sounds stupid, but pretend you're dealing with a 4 year old who doesn't want to eat their chicken nuggets. You put them away, and when dessert time rolls around and their siblings and cousins get to tear into the ice cream, you bring the chicken nuggets back out. The only path to the ice cream is to eat the chicken nuggets.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> I have done this in the past. The silent treatment can be strong with this one. It can go on for days. Then she comes out of it and acts like all is well. She says nothing. I then only find at the next argument that she never gets her say. Thus goes the cycle. Not to say I don't have a cycle but I have changed how I approach an argument. I have made the changes. She remains steadfast to her tactics.


So she gives you the silent treatment for days, she refuses to go to counseling. Unfortunately you can't force someone to change their destructive and toxic personality issues. You could force a change in the relationship dynamic by refusing to stand for being treated this way, maybe go to counseling for help re specifics.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Of course be careful not to engage in your own destructive tactics, if you do then hers are fair play. 

Not saying you do this, just being thorough.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, is it possible that you didn't stand up for your wife when your mother was alive and she resents this?

That might explain some things.

I agree with the poster who said this isn't about your mother.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Wife said the same thing to me once during an argument. It pissed me off and I walked away. (I wasn't very close to my mother.) Later, when I brought it up, she said she knew it would piss me off and that's why she said it. I reminded that the point of the argument was to resolve an issue, not to try to piss each other off. She agreed and apologized and hasn't done it since.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, is it possible that you didn't stand up for your wife when your mother was alive and she resents this?
> 
> That might explain some things.
> 
> I agree with the poster who said this isn't about your mother.


Yes, but I rectified that years before my mother died. Yet, my wife still holds resentment. 
I have found that it is more than just an argument over a very silly thing. And it was very silly. Todays conversation entailed that its is her menopause that is causing much issues and short tempers. I'm guessing I should take some of her short fuses as due to menopause and let it go. I'm fine with that. Menopause is awful for some if not most. I'll be as understanding as possible.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nailhead said:


> Yes, but I rectified that years before my mother died. Yet, my wife still holds resentment.
> I have found that it is more than just an argument over a very silly thing. And it was very silly. Todays conversation entailed that its is her menopause that is causing much issues and short tempers. I'm guessing I should take some of her short fuses as due to menopause and let it go. I'm fine with that. Menopause is awful for some if not most. I'll be as understanding as possible.


Would you wife agree that it was rectified?

Would she agree it was silly?

Sometimes a thing can seem silly to one partner but not the other.

I'm in perimenopause now and I do have some pretty nasty mood swings. Things that might have bothered me a little can seem like a huge deal.....a hug and acknowledgement can go a long way with me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Nailhead said:


> No, her problem has always been with my mother. However, my wife states I act like my mother who would say her say and not let my wife have her say. Problem here is my wife clams up. How can she have her say when silence is her response? *When provided the opportunity during the argument my wife simply says she is done talking about it. * As if what I'm saying makes sense, she is off the mark and refuses to own it. Her go to is I'm acting like my mother.





Nailhead said:


> Question for those that have experienced a significant other that constantly brings up what their dead/alive in-law had done in the past. For example, my wife during an argument will state the following. "You're acting just like your mother". My mother is dead. What she did in life and interacted with my wife is something I can not fix. It is like she is projecting the resentment towards my mother on to me. My wife will also do this when a disagreement arises but claim I'm acting like my brother who is alive. Why does she not see this as me and constant comparing of people I have zero control over(actions/words). My wife's family has a plethora is problems, issues, actions and words that have built some resentment in me yet I do not say to my wife she is acting like her mom, dad, brother, sister, cousin, etc. * How do you, if you have experienced this, handle it?* What is your response?


Let's put this in perspective. In an argument you wife has a set of comments that trigger a desired response from you and she further has a way of being silent to deal with anything you may say. You don't like it and you want to change the marriage dynamic.

Well, you need to do two things. 

First you need to change yourself and how you respond. You can become the adult in the room and not get pulled into an argument when your wife pushes your "hot buttons." It takes two to argue. Don't let her drag you into arguments, control you temper and your response. When she says something hurtful, look at her, smile and ask why she said that when she knows it hurts you. She will likely respond, but don't get angry. In you mind say to yourself (not aloud) that she is human and therefore flawed and struggling to be good. Ignore her hurtful words and she will understand that this is no longer a method for getting you mad.

Second, you need to learn to talk to her. When she does this, it is either out of habit or it is a conditioned response between the two of you. You need to learn how to thoughtfully ask her why she is upset and LISTEN to what she says. 
One of the hard things I learned in rebuilding my sex starved marriage is that I don't have to take the bait my wife gave me to provoke a fight.

If it is too bad suggest marriage counseling to your W. Good luck.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Are you acting like them? Truthfully? We sometimes do act like family members (I’m guilty of that one, and stop and think when my husband tells me, because I don’t want to be like my family). 

Listen to her, what is the thing you’re doing that your mum used to do? She’s not criticising your mum here, she’s upset about a particular behaviour.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> How do you, if you have experienced this, handle it? What is your response?


If I were a confrontational person, the answer to "You behave just like your mom", would be "and you look just like your mom".
But as a person that avoids confrontation, I'd just nod my head and mutter "uh huh".
Or, you could burst into tears and say, "I really miss my mom".


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Let's put this in perspective. In an argument you wife has a set of comments that trigger a desired response from you and she further has a way of being silent to deal with anything you may say. You don't like it and you want to change the marriage dynamic.
> 
> Well, you need to do two things.
> 
> ...


My wife stated that the menopause(that is getting more for the lack of a better word, ferocious) had made her completely unreasonable and caused her to loose her cool this weekend. She asked that I recognize menopause is really affecting her mood and attitude. I have not problem with that. We do not need marriage counseling. We need to let nature take it's course and be sensitive to it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Would you wife agree that it was rectified?
> 
> Would she agree it was silly?
> 
> ...


Yes, it is rectified. My wife approached me with what in her mind was the cause and also how she would like me to understand the menopause is really throwing her for a loop. She did agree it was silly and went off the deep end. I told my wife that I will be sensitive to her situation that she has no real control over. Sometimes nature can be cruel.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> My wife stated that the menopause(that is getting more for the lack of a better word, ferocious) had made her completely unreasonable and caused her to loose her cool this weekend. She asked that I recognize menopause is really affecting her mood and attitude. I have not problem with that. We do not need marriage counseling. We need to let nature take it's course and be sensitive to it.


I think that's fair, ONLY if she's also willing to apologize _each time_ it happens when she's more, for lack of a better term, lucid.

Otherwise, it's an excuse for terrible behavior.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Zedd said:


> I think that's fair, ONLY if she's also willing to apologize _each time_ it happens when she's more, for lack of a better term, lucid.
> 
> Otherwise, it's an excuse for terrible behavior.


She did apologize.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> Yes, it is rectified. My wife approached me with what in her mind was the cause and also how she would like me to understand the menopause is really throwing her for a loop. She did agree it was silly and went off the deep end. I told my wife that I will be sensitive to her situation that she has no real control over. Sometimes nature can be cruel.


Menopause doesn't cause a woman to give her husband the silent treatment for multiple days. A dysfunctional way of dealing with life does.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> No, her problem has always been with my mother. However, my wife states I act like my mother who would say her say and not let my wife have her say. Problem here is my wife clams up. How can she have her say when silence is her response? When provided the opportunity during the argument my wife simply says she is done talking about it. As if what I'm saying makes sense, she is off the mark and refuses to own it. Her go to is I'm acting like my mother.


Well, she is not clamming up when she tells you you act like your mother. But it's making you mad and so it may be silencing her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Yes, it is rectified. My wife approached me with what in her mind was the cause and also how she would like me to understand the menopause is really throwing her for a loop. She did agree it was silly and went off the deep end. I told my wife that I will be sensitive to her situation that she has no real control over. Sometimes nature can be cruel.


Hey that’s good to hear she’s opening up to you, menopause can be a really hard time. I’m glad you can both talk about it. You’re a good husband to be understanding and it’s nice that she can talk about her behaviour.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Nailhead said:


> My wife stated that the menopause(that is getting more for the lack of a better word, ferocious) had made her completely unreasonable and caused her to loose her cool this weekend. She asked that I recognize menopause is really affecting her mood and attitude. I have not problem with that. We do not need marriage counseling. We need to let nature take it's course and be sensitive to it.


Marriage counseling was suggested only if the arguments were too extreme to handle by you being the adult in the room.

She has now told you she has a hormonal rage issue. If you can live with the attacks and not let it get to you, great. 

Earlier posts seemed to imply you were near your limits and wanted things to change. 

Good Luck


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