# Mixed messages



## AJM1218 (Aug 7, 2015)

I'm 39, my wife is 33 and we have a 2 year old son. We've been married 2.5 years. My wife asked me for a separation at the beginning of July. It was not something I wanted nor did or do I really understand it. I do have some anger issues but never hit her, threatened to hit her, I don't even call her names. I'm not trying to deny certain tendencies to become emotionally abusive through isolating myself, I just didn't think a separation was necessary while I work on my issues and our issues. I did emotionally abandon her and I didn't share and communicate like a good partner. I missed certain events that were important to her. I was truly ignorant, I was raised so dysfunctionally that I just didn't realize. This doesn't excuse the neglect, its just to explain that it was not something directed at her. 

I moved out, realized I needed to stop the cycle of fighting and making up. I went to an out patient program for 3 weeks, to address panic attacks that manifest as anger and PTSD from childhood. I learned a lot. My wife and I started communicating in a healthy manner. I spent 7 straight days with my wife and son, we all seemed happy. 

Yesterday at marriage counseling, my wife told me that she doesn't see me changing and doesn't want me at the house. She loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she says for right now, no. She just needs a real separation to figure things out. I need some insight on this, I'm so confused. Is this something that time and space can help heal? I love her and I tell her that every day. I've started sharing my feelings and communicating well but I think its making her feel pressured, am I wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Is it possible your wife has attached or is attaching to someone else either emotionally or physically or both? Wanting a separation can be indicative of a person needing to figure things out alone but that is more rare. Usually, they want to explore "options" without the constraints of a spouse being so close and with the assurance that if the "options" do not pan out, then they have a life to go back to. For many people it also indicates in their mind that they are psuedo-single and therefore not to be held accountable if they have a relationship with someone else during that time. 

Does your counselor support her desire to try and work on the marriage apart rather than together?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I think a good book for you to check out is:
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness by Andrea Brandt.


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## AJM1218 (Aug 7, 2015)

At this time I don't think there's anyone else but I could be wrong. She's in an accelerated program for nursing while primarily taking care of our son, so there's a lot of stress and she didn't get a lot of help from me. She has her own issues that contributed to this but I know where I fell short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Are you able to stay elsewhere with the child until her program is done?


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

It's extremely horrible to be on the receiving end of someone's anger and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. However, it's good that you're making an attempt to address these issues, rather than denying them.

Did you tell your wife you loved her before she suggested a separation? If this is something you've only started doing regularly since her suggestion, it could be that she thinks you're just saying it to get her back on side. She may not trust that you mean it so make sure you show you love her through your actions as well as your words.

It's great that you're communicating better but as you feel the messages are 'mixed' are you truly listening to her? I mean, listening without interrupting or defending yourself or blaming her, and not just listening but trying to understand how she feels. I tried to talk to my STBEx on so many occasions but was subjected to an onslaught of anger and hostility. In the end I gave up. Despite trying to discuss separation, then divorce, he claimed he never saw it coming so obviously wasn't listening. 

There are a couple of Andrew Marshall books 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and 'my wife doesn't love me anymore', one of which highlights the way in which men typically react in these situations and how that only serves to make things worse. It offers suggestions on the best way to respond.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

AJM1218 said:


> At this time I don't think there's anyone else but I could be wrong. She's in an accelerated program for nursing while primarily taking care of our son, so there's a lot of stress and she didn't get a lot of help from me. She has her own issues that contributed to this but I know where I fell short.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a friend who met his now wife while they were both in nursing programs a few years ago.....they both left their spouses for each other. It happens.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure what the mixed messages are. To me she is saying, she wants you to work on you while she works on herself. The outcome of either of those two processes may not neccessarily be the outcome you desire. However, you need to accept what ever it is. If you truly think you want to reconcile, then you have to allow her to go through her process and come to her own decision. If you successfully work on your self you will accept this decision. Damage has already been done, you can't change the past. I think the mixed message you are hearing comes from not hearing what you want to hear and that is that everything is ok now.
Please understand that I say this as an outsider looking in. I completely empathize with your feelings having been there myself.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sounds like OM is in the mix to me.


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## AJM1218 (Aug 7, 2015)

I always told my wife I loved her and did a lot of things to show it, that's probably what is so frustrating for her. I can be extreme in both my displays of love and displays of displeasure. I wrote her a letter the last night in the house before I left, telling her why I loved her and how sorry I was for hurting her. I explained how my childhood caused a certain hardness in me that makes it difficult to be vulnerable and that its not because of her that I'm angry, its anger at myself. 
Now I am hoping time and space will bring us back together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The ILYBINILWY is code for there's another guy in the picture. Put a VAR in the house and one in the car, and get proof, and then have an honest talk with her about your future.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Emotional abuse and anger are just as damaging to a relationship as physical abuse.

Its hard to tell on a board like this, but try to understand that identifying the cause of your anger does not make the anger easier to deal with when you are on the receiving end. Maybe your angry at family members for their past actions, but your wife is the one who is being yelled at. 

I doubt there is someone else. Folks here are quick to jump to that conclusion. But we don't really know one way or another. It might be that she is just done with living in that environment. Give her some time. The best action you can take is to continue to heal your anger. Words will mean nothing, actions will mean everything.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
My thought is that the difficulties occurred while together and to correct them you two need to remain together. If she is done then D and move on but if she is sincere about fixing this M then I see separation as counterproductive. If the issue resolves when separated, then how does that help a reunion? Will it not point to separating permanently as a solution? I understand working on yourselves but is it not the interaction that is the problem? Do you both not need to work on how you interact? How is this accomplished while separated. Will not your interaction be significantly limited? I question this tactic for its efficacy.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

On the bright side, you've recognised that you need to work on yourself, and are taking steps to do so. That's a good thing.

However, it's going to take time for her to 'see' changes. She's been around the 'old you' for a long time. Her perception of you is filtered through your previous relationship. If, IF, she is to start to see you differently she needs time, plenty of time, and maybe space, to do so. To recover and heal.

And you need to continue working on yourself. Don't work on the relationship, right now, focus on you. She doesn't need to told you're changing, she doesn't need you around much right now. If she's determined to have a separation, then maybe that's what IS needed. For both of you. It's not the end of the marriage, just a chance to step back and breathe.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Emotional abuse and anger are just as damaging to a relationship as physical abuse.
> 
> Its hard to tell on a board like this, but try to understand that identifying the cause of your anger does not make the anger easier to deal with when you are on the receiving end. Maybe your angry at family members for their past actions, but your wife is the one who is being yelled at.
> 
> I doubt there is someone else. Folks here are quick to jump to that conclusion. But we don't really know one way or another. It might be that she is just done with living in that environment. Give her some time. The best action you can take is to continue to heal your anger. Words will mean nothing, actions will mean everything.


Good post. I think that we all tend to see everything that happens to other people as being the same as what has happened to us. Hence if you were cheated on then every issue encountered in a troubled marriage is because some one is cheating. Sometimes it is as simple as time and distance is needed and sometimes even that might not be enough.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

"I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore", "I don't want you in the house", "I need to work on me".

O.k., my thoughts are that for a woman to say these things, she has attached her emotions elsewhere. She has made you believe you are this bad husband while rewriting your marriage history where everything is your fault. You believe it's all your fault because you want to fix it and YOU are the only one that YOU know you can fix. Guess what, it's very likely that you are a weak "plan B" now, and that the other person she is emotionally attached to has caused her to decide she is no longer in love with you. The good news is that you will eventually get over it. The bad news is that it is extremely painful, will think life is not worth living, and that you are a bad husband that didn't deserve her. It's not true, but you will think so anyway. 

Yes, it happened to me. Yes, I may be projecting. I hope you post back once the truth is known. It's just my opinion based on the things I've read from you, and my own past experience. What else is a person supposed to draw conclusions from, if not what the OP says, and from one's own experience. I hope I'm wrong, and that you will be back in the house, in love with your wife in a few months. Guess what, statistically, that's not likely to happen. If you want your marriage to survive, figure out what the real problem is and fix it together. If she won't let you, you MUST find a way to MOVE ON and be happy with yourself or someone else. Don't stay in limbo with her, wondering when you can come back and pining away for her while she bangs whoever. That's a horrible way to live.
Good luck!


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