# Would you let this "joke" go?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, I'll try to be brief. TAM always helps me process my reactions if something's bugging me, so if you have a moment, thanks in advance!

Once again, my DH made an off-the-cuff remark that irked me; in the moment I laughed it off because he had a smile on his face, we were having fun, and the mood was light. But this morning it popped back into my mind and has been bugging me all day. I don't know if it's worth it to bring it up, let it go, bring it up in counseling tomorrow, or see if the topic comes up again naturally. As you may know, we are really working to reduce our fighting and improve our communication, so "Is it worth it?" is really a pertinent question.

The joke:

We were at a toy store shopping for our goddaughter. I pointed out a child's vacuum toy, and how it teaches little kids to clean around the house from a young age. 
My DH said: "Oh, I guess you never had a toy like that when you were a kid."
Hm.
I got a little defensive, but didn't let the comment sink below my surface, said "Hey man, my mama raised me to clean a house!", and then we laughed it off and moved on.
He gave me a little hug, and said: "I didn't marry you for your cleaning skills." (or something like that)
But 2 days later, this morning, I remembered the comment (as I cleaned the messy kitchen), and it does bother me now.
The reality: I am NOT a neat freak. Neither is he. We both live in a tiny apartment with WAAAYYY too much stuff that we CANNOT fit anywhere neatly. So yes, it is kind of a mess most of the time.
That said, I DO know how and when to clean! EVERY time we have someone over I make sure it is as clean as possible, and I always keep the kitchen clean and keep up with the bathroom cleanliness needs. 

So in the moment I handled it with humor, and I can interpret what he MEANT was something like: "You're not the neatest/tidiest person in the world," although those weren't his words, and his words weren't accurate.

So...let it go?
Let him know I understand what he probably meant, but feel the need to defend myself because YES I DO in fact "know how to clean" ?
I guess the root of my discontent is that I need to feel that he DOES see the positive (ie when I do clean) and not just the negative--i.e. the mess...
Also---it's HIS mess too!!!
Ask him if he feels I don't clean enough, and if he'd like if I made an effort to clean more? (BTW, because I'm currently not working, and he's very helpful around the house, I wouldn't feel like this would be an unfair or sexist request; if I was working full-time, then maybe...)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I guess another question is:

If you honestly knew you weren't the tidiest neat freak in the world, and you honestly could admit that you don't clean every week, but that you do okay, would this joke bother you or would you let it go?

I'm ok with the level of cleaning I do.

He's never complained or criticized, so I thought he was, but his comment made me wonder if I'm not meeting some unspoken expectation of his.

He does say "Oh, it looks nice" when I do clean.

Meh. Dumb, rude joke. Do I let it get to me or not...?


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## frank_little (Dec 1, 2010)

Sounds like an innocent playful joke to me, based on the information provided. Does he ever bring up frustrations about the neatness/cleanliness level of your home in a more serious way? If not, then I think it was just a silly joke.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Personally, I would let it go. You admit that you aren't the tidiest person in the world and it really sounds like he was just making a joke. Maybe a stupid joke but it doesn't sound like he meant it as anything other than a joke. 

You say he's never complained about your level of housekeeping before, he does make nice comments when the house looks good and he helps out around the house. Sounds pretty good to me.

That being said, if you guys are working on communication and this is really bothering you this much, you might broach the topic as "I know you were just joking, but do you feel like I don't keep the apartment clean enough?" or something like that. Try to not to put him on the defensive for an innocent comment but use it as a way to open the lines of communication about household chores. He may have been trying to gently bring it up without saying directly "I think you should clean more" in which case you guys do need to talk about it. Or he just meant it as a silly comment about an aspect of your personality that you both acknowledge (not a neat freak). Either way, it can't hurt to get it out so that you can get over it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

here's how I see it.

if you think about anything too much, you will see the negative side of it so I try to judge by the first impression.

You laughed it off as a joke and moved on. That was your first impression and that is how it should stay. Especially in light of your own admission about the condition of your house.

Now, if it was the 15th time he said something like that you might be right in finally saying "Wait a minute... is he trying to tell me something?"


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, it wasn't the wisest comment for him to make. I would probably let it go though. At least he does compliment you when you do clean. I would say that's more important.

But, if you want to really get back at him for the comment....turn into a "clean fanatic" for about a week. Be OCD about cleaning; I think he'll welcome having "normal" back.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

thanks everyone!
827, I was thinking of doing something like that, not to teach him a lesson, just to say "you want clean? Ok, maybe you have a point, I'll clean!"
in other words, if I pick up on a cue from him that I don't clean much, show him the opposite...in actions, not words. he's more of an actions guy than words anyway so he'd probably appreciate seeing it more than discussing it.
Very helpful feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I think I'd go with a W-T-F-S and just tell him basically what you've told us here. 

"WHEN YOU... made that joke about cleaning when we were looking at the toy vacuum

At the time I THOUGHT it was a joke and shrugged it off, but now I THINK it was a little bit of a dig and it's bothering me a little because I THINK you may have meant it a little

And I FEEL a little sad and disappointed that maybe my cleaning 'skillz' don't please you. I've always thought that neither one of us was really great with cleaning and we were both pretty okay with that--and when I need to clean I do know how to do a good job. 

SO I'D LIKE TO ASK if I was mistaken--is that really our understanding that we're both pretty okay with it? OR were you trying to say how you really feel and making it sound like a joke? Also, could I ask for a little reassurance that the way I keep the house makes you happy? I'm feeling shaky on that right now."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm going to broach it in the context of our therapy/counseling, during tomorrow's session and in the language and structure that our therapy provides.
It means I'll take responsibility for my response to the joke, let him know how and why it got to me, and show concern for his needs and expectations.
I feel better knowing I have that structure and language to rely on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

I didnt totally read all of the responses to your post but basically if it bothers you enough to think of it again, then I would say that you do need to bring it up again. 

I would just tell him what you've told us, that it sounded like he was just being playful, but that you want to know what he really thinks about your cleaning. tell him you thought u were doing a decent job (if that's what you think) but that you are ok with doing a little more if he needs/wants you to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm not the greatest cook half of the time because I just want to get the task done, I buy the cheapest food I can get my hands on and my kids & husband sometimes make jokes about it, I know it to be truth, doesn't really bother me. They know & I know I can be a fantastic baker & Dinner preparer when I set my mind too it, but I simply don't every single day. I would look at your husband's comment similar to this. Just as you explained your apartment is very small and you can only do what you can do -in that environment. 

Doesn't hurt to bring it up to him again -if you feel strongly about it. But sounds like he has never made it an issue ever before, so I doubt this is something that bothers him much at all. Just a little joke in the moment.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

No. Don't let it get to you. You admit you're not the tidiest person in the world. No big deal. I'm not either. I'm no slob, but I'm not a neak freak either. My SO isn't a neat freak, and if there's something he wants cleaned, he's welcome to do it.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

If you know his joking ways or style of playfulness you hav to learn to ignore it.... 
or you can play on his grounds... 
me and my wife always take potshots at eachother (and most are below the belt) and we keep rolling...
if we always reacted negative to our joking there would always be a fight...
but also be careful how you address your feelings about his joking...
you don't want him to feel like the two of you can't kid around without him upsetting you.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

just tell him ha ha ha they didnt make vaccumms(?) or play kitchens either back when he was a child...ha ha haa 

and i would be a neat freak, but i would have to give up too much of my life, sleeping, going out...but im complicated, im a neat freak, horder, ocd with numbers..

so i have to back off..chill out...

not to be cruel,,,but it was a llittle funny...sorry


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is what I have learned a hard lesson - My man says the stupidest (to me) things sometimes, but I have learned his intension is not evil or meant to hurt me. Many of our early fights were over some of the things he would say and he is not a mean or stupid man. I find that men seem to put their foot in their mouths not at work, but in unguarded moments when they are with us women. (I don't mean any insult gentlemen)

I am not sure what it is but they just say stupid things, you really have to let most of it go, if it is not disrespectful, cruel or truly meant to hurt. If you do, you will be much happier. I don't respond to the stupid things my husband says anymore, so he does not clam up. So you see if you overreact and are hypersensitive to every thing he says and he goes silent then you know why.

If you want a communicative man, just laugh off the things that he says without thinking. When my H says things out of the blue and he is not really thinking or having to be careful about what he says to me, I figured out that he is communicating concerns, things he would like to see me do etc. So I listen carefully and use the info to do things for him that he may not have communicated directly. So those stupid things are not so stupid after all but valuable pieces of communication. 

Men communicate differently, it's almost in code you have to listen carefully and don't censure your man or he will stop talking. If he makes a request in an off hand remark it really is an important request. Woman say men never talk about their feelings they do but not directly, you have to wait, create space and an attitude of acceptance. 

OP I think you are right, he may be saying that he would be happier if the place were a tad bit cleaner. Nothing wrong with making a simple request in man code. Don't beat him up, he will stop talking.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe it’s bothering you because there’s truth in the joke. If there wasn’t any truth you’d had laughed and forgotten all about it. I think in his way he’s saying he loves you, warts and all type of thing. But the cleanliness and tidiness is obviously on his mind otherwise he wouldn’t have brought the topic up.

And it's obviously on your mind as well. So it’s a topic in your marriage that’s on both of your minds. Best to get it sorted.

What do you do while you’re off work? If you have free time why not spend the next three months getting your home neat, tidy and clean and keep it that way … for three months. Put your mind to it and make a place for everything and put everything in it’s place. A place for the bills that come in and everything else. You may well be amazed in the increase in efficiency in your marriage and just how good it feels to be able to find something first time without spending an hour or two to find it.

A neat tidy and clean home can be truly “uplifting” and do wonders with how you both feel about the place you call home and your marriage. A marriage home needs to be “loved” tended to and cared for. One of the worst marriages I’ve known was reflected in their house. The house was totally unloved and uncared for. It was a reflection of their marriage.

Within three months you’ll have developed new habits and probably wont go back to the old ways.

Bob


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## valaria (Oct 18, 2010)

How about what my grammy has always told me..tell him...
You don't have to make the mess to clean it up...
If you don't like the way things are when you see it..clean it up don't b*^ch about it, just do it....then come to me with a schedule of equitable cleaning duties, I love you, the wife


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I get this one- my other half does this joke on an almost daily basis!

I'm a stay at home mum with four little ones, one a small toddler and one a baby. As you can imagine, tidying has taken a backseat for quite a while! My mode of operation is that my primary job is to look after the kids, housework fits in around that. I have a set of core tasks I have to do every day (things like washing up, laundry, making packed lunches, make the evening meal) and anything else is a bonus!

My take on this one is that he notices the place isn't "perfect", would like it to be a little better, but isn't so bothered he'd mention it as an "issue." I wouldn't take it to heart; maybe you might feel better putting a little more work into the house but if it was a major issue, you would know about it.

For me, when I get the jokes about why isn't dinner ready/more substantial (emergency frozen pizza!) I say he's lucky anything has gotten made and if he doesn't like it, he knows what he can do with it/his mum's only round the corner (he moved from his mums at the age of 28 to living with us and was used to having everything done for him, a spotless house and dinner ready when he got in.) It's mostly in good humour but I can tell when he has a valid concern and he can tell when to back off when I tell him it's been a loooong hard day.

Also maybe if you did bring it up, say you weren't sure if he did have some concerns and would like to know just in case there was any truth spoken in jest and you could work on it?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> This is what I have learned a hard lesson - My man says the stupidest (to me) things sometimes, but I have learned his intension is not evil or meant to hurt me. Many of our early fights were over some of the things he would say and he is not a mean or stupid man. I find that men seem to put their foot in their mouths not at work, but in unguarded moments when they are with us women. (I don't mean any insult gentlemen)
> 
> I am not sure what it is but they just say stupid things, you really have to let most of it go, if it is not disrespectful, cruel or truly meant to hurt. If you do, you will be much happier. I don't respond to the stupid things my husband says anymore, so he does not clam up. So you see if you overreact and are hypersensitive to every thing he says and he goes silent then you know why.
> 
> ...


Catherine, this is right on the money with my husband.

He says things without thinking, he teases to show love, he speaks "code," and I have to interpret what he really means sometimes.

In fact, the freaking argument we had LAST night that led to my two more recent hopeless, dispirited posts, began when he TEASED me about my cooking, and I inquired as to whether or not he liked it.
He wants me to UNDERSTAND that he was being PLAYFUL and cute, NOT INSULTING.
I want him to CLARIFY whether he HONESTLY likes something OR NOT, and VERBALLY APPRECIATE when he does.
Neither request is unfair.
He did not handle the discussion fairly...hence my hopeless, dispirited, tearful posts and current state of mind.

Everyone's replies have been very helpful! Thank you!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In order for a joke to be funny, there must some element of truth in it and humor is important in any relationship. I tend to be forgetful and my wife misplaces things all the time. We tease each other about our little human frailities because we know they are true and because we know there's no intent to hurt anyone's feelings behind these little quips. You love yourself as you are and your husband loves you. Like he said, he wasn't exactly looking for a maid when he chose you. Some things, my wife is really sensitive about and I don't make jokes about those. If this is an area that you find too sensitive to joke about, gently let him know and I imagine he'll stop. If he's not normally cruel to you, he probably meant it as a harmless joke.


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

Catherine, i think you are right in that men say stupid things (no offense) all the time, and on one hand we need to just laugh it off and know that they are not intentionally trying to be mean or hurt our feelings. 

But on the other hand, men need to understand that it DOES hurt our feelings when they say some of the stupid things they say without realizing it. I for one, have really low self-esteem. So, the word "crackhead" that my husband calls me every time i do something slightly silly, or not up to his par gets to me sometimes. Sometimes i can laugh it off, but other times it just makes me feel like i really do suck at whatever it is I was attempting to do. He uses that one word to insult me in so many different ways, without always even realizing he's doing it. 

So yes, women need to laugh it off and know the men don't always mean it, but the men need to learn to filter and realize how some of what they say can effect the women they love.


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