# EA trigger.....argument



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi All,

I won't go into the whole history of my wifes EA (4 years ago), but I just wondered how other people deal with 'triggers'.

This happened to me a few weeks ago- I was out with wife and daughter and heard a particular song which gave me a massive trigger/flashback and made me think about the whole thing again.

Anyway, I didn't bring it up there and then, as didn't want to ruin a nice day out. But I mentioned it the other day, when/where/why it triggered the memories for me etc. It ended up in a bit of an argument because I "brought up the past AGAIN". 

I thought it would help to bring it up, explain to her etc, but clearly not.

Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with a trigger like this? (I don't really want to have to discuss it with her again the next time it happens).

Thanks for reading


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I think you wills always get triggers....Its been 5 years for me and I still trigger. I dont bring it up because honestly it gets me nowhere. I cant imagine what it would feel like to feel down about something and have your spouse remind you that they support you when you are triggering for something THEY did. 

Over time it will get easier to deal with them. There are still a few things that set me off Im just learning how to let them go when they occur.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

A past that she created. She had 2 EA's?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Five years post D-Day and fully recovered. Yes, I still trigger. Not often but it does happen. My reactions to them are well camouflaged and I am quite sure my wife doesn't even know it happened. The triggers really don't effect me in a reliving the past type of way but rather as a reminder that trust in the relationship has been forever altered. My advice is hers, if you are recovered don't bring it up, don't live in the past. Triggering is just a part of the process I'm afraid.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I have advice: You talk to your wife about the trigger. Period.

I mean, it's not like we're talking about the time that she forgot take the rolls out of the oven at Thanksgiving. We're talking about the toll that ANY fashion of an affair takes on people.

If your wife has truly been remorseful for what she did, it wouldn't matter if you got triggered a decade from now. She should be empathetic to what you went through on your Dday AND any/every day since.

This sh-t doesn't just disappear and anyone who would think otherwise has simply rug swept the ordeal. (Not saying that's what you did, though!)

Saying that...if she DOES forget to take the rolls out of the oven on Thanksgiving, you don't get to bring up the affair.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I think you wills always get triggers....Its been 5 years for me and I still trigger. I dont bring it up because honestly it gets me nowhere. I cant imagine what it would feel like to feel down about something and have your spouse remind you that they support you when you are triggering for something THEY did.
> 
> Over time it will get easier to deal with them. There are still a few things that set me off Im just learning how to let them go when they occur.



Thanks for the reply. I really do try to keep it in when it happens. I think the triggers have returned because of something which happened a few months back- nothing as big as the EA, but it came close in my eyes. And she has had a few men after her before/since the EA too which hasn't helped!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Five years post D-Day and fully recovered. Yes, I still trigger. Not often but it does happen. My reactions to them are well camouflaged and I am quite sure my wife doesn't even know it happened. The triggers really don't effect me in a reliving the past type of way but rather as a reminder that trust in the relationship has been forever altered. My advice is hers, if you are recovered don't bring it up, don't live in the past. Triggering is just a part of the process I'm afraid.


Thanks alot for the reply. I think I will get there eventually


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks for the reply. I really do try to keep it in when it happens. I think the triggers have returned because of something which happened a few months back- nothing as big as the EA, but it came close in my eyes. *And she has had a few men after her before/since the EA too which hasn't helped!*


Regarding the bolded: How has she handled this?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks alot for the reply. I think I will get there eventually


I understand what Someday is saying and everyone needs to deal with this in their own fashion. My wife has done all she can to recover the marriage and I have no suspicions anymore. To bring them up to her would just be bringing back up a lot of pain for us both. Nothing that has happened in the last few years would indicate I have cause for concern, so in my mind the trigger issue is mine to deal with.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Sorry OP, but your wife sounds a tad (read: VERY) insensitive. As Warlock stated, this is a past SHE created. This situation and what you're feeling as a result are entirely her doing. 

Besides, what kind of marriage do you have if you're afraid of talking about your feelings with your own WIFE?

I sense something is amiss here… Why is she so defensive? Do you bring up the affairs often? I don't get it…
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I have advice: You talk to your wife about the trigger. Period.
> 
> I mean, it's not like we're talking about the time that she forgot take the rolls out of the oven at Thanksgiving. We're talking about the toll that ANY fashion of an affair takes on people.
> 
> ...



hahaha! very funny :rofl:

I think it was rug-swept to a degree initially, & it has taken these few years for her to actually realise just how much she hurt me. It would have been easier for me to deal with if the recent occurrences hadn't happened (long, close relationship with a male- although i KNOW she didn't do anything wrong there, but then there was a guy trying to bed her on Facebook and she didnt really encourage it, but didnt tell him to f*** off either).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I understand what Someday is saying and everyone needs to deal with this in their own fashion. My wife has done all she can to recover the marriage and I have no suspicions anymore. To bring them up to her would just be bringing back up a lot of old issues. Nothing that has happened in the last few years would indicate I have cause for concern, so in my mind the trigger issue is mine to deal with.


I believe this is a good example of showing what time after Dday truly means. Amp is 5 years out, while my 1 year is next month.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Regarding the bolded: How has she handled this?


The first one (before the EA)- she cut contact completely when he declared his love for her. the 2nd was a friend she was helping through a tough time- I constantly spied on their conversations- quite often he would make cheeky "suggestive" comments, but she would never encourage it and would also laugh it off. There was another, a business associate who was flirting with her. After I discovered this, she basically told him to stop, which he did. The latest one was a stranger on FB basically "sexting" her- and she let it happen although never encouraged it. When I saw this, I told her to delete/block him etc- which she did.

Believe me when I say I keep a very close eye on her emails/FB/phone, and nothing has happened in the last few months. To be honest, the only time she has done anything 'bad' was the EA in 2008 (for which I get the triggers).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> hahaha! very funny :rofl:
> 
> I think it was rug-swept to a degree initially, & it has taken these few years for her to actually realise just how much she hurt me. It would have been easier for me to deal with if the recent occurrences hadn't happened (long, close relationship with a male- although i KNOW she didn't do anything wrong there, but then there was a guy trying to bed her on Facebook and she didnt really encourage it, but didnt tell him to f*** off either).


That's a tough one, man. While I certainly understand that we, as human beings, enjoy recognition/flattery to a point, it's up to every married/exclusive couple to police themselves in regard. Creating boundaries is not unhealthy. As a matter of fact, it's necessary. There are simply things that are okay and others that are not. I'm sorry if I come off a little rough on some things, but I don't ever feel that it's okay for a spouse to have opposite sex friends unless they are truly "friends of the marriage". Like girls night out, the way I put it to Regret214, my wife who's on the forums, is this: If a guy is chatting you up in a bar it's not okay. He's there for one reason. Is he someone you are going to introduce me to so that we can ALL be friends?

The answer to that question will always be no.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bizzy, I think you should talk to her. I understand how getting triggered can make you feel a bit crazy, and it can thus affect outward behavior. So she might be wondering what is going on, and then you start down the path of silently assuming incorrectly the other person is angry or you did something wrong.

If you tell her you are triggered it is not the same as you telling her she is a beotch for what she did. You are communicating your emotional status to her. Being triggered is about you, not her.

She should be sympathetic due to her previous actions being the backdrop for why you are triggered.

I think you should talk to her at a time when you are not triggered. Tell her it happens at times due to various things. Tell her the things you know of, and tell her there could be other things too (don't make the list limited). Tell her you don't want to make a big deal out of it, you just want to let her know when it happens so that the communications are open. Tell her what you need from her when it happens. Maybe a hug or a smile or hold your hand. Maybe turning off the radio or walking out of a movie.

You should not suffer in silence!

What you are asking of her is to help you deal with the trigger. You aren't asking her to yet again apologize for the affair.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Sorry OP, but your wife sounds a tad (read: VERY) insensitive. As Warlock stated, this is a past SHE created. This situation and what you're feeling as a result are entirely her doing.
> 
> Besides, what kind of marriage do you have if you're afraid of talking about your feelings with your own WIFE?
> 
> ...



I do bring up the EA now & again, more so than even I want to. I just want her to know what I am going through. I think the reason I bring it up is because I didn't deal with it properly at the time (just let her come back without really setting any rules etc).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> The first one (before the EA)- she cut contact completely when he declared his love for her. the 2nd was a friend she was helping through a tough time- I constantly spied on their conversations- quite often he would make cheeky "suggestive" comments, but she would never encourage it and would also laugh it off. There was another, a business associate who was flirting with her. After I discovered this, she basically told him to stop, which he did. The latest one was a stranger on FB basically "sexting" her- and she let it happen although never encouraged it. When I saw this, I told her to delete/block him etc- which she did.
> 
> Believe me when I say I keep a very close eye on her emails/FB/phone, and nothing has happened in the last few months. To be honest, the only time she has done anything 'bad' was the EA in 2008 (for which I get the triggers).


Well, man...sounds like you're doing the right things. Sorry though that you triggered. It truly does suck.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I understand what Someday is saying and everyone needs to deal with this in their own fashion. My wife has done all she can to recover the marriage and I have no suspicions anymore. To bring them up to her would just be bringing back up a lot of pain for us both. Nothing that has happened in the last few years would indicate I have cause for concern, so in my mind the trigger issue is mine to deal with.



It sounds like you are where I want to be. I am pleased for you that nothing has happened of late to give you cause for concern


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

bizzy79 said:


> It sounds like you are where I want to be. I am pleased for you that nothing has happened of late to give you cause for concern



There is a big difference in our circumstances. Your wife is a repeat offender and I can see how moving on would be much more difficult. These things take years to get passed even in the "best" of circumstances.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thor said:


> bizzy, I think you should talk to her. I understand how getting triggered can make you feel a bit crazy, and it can thus affect outward behavior. So she might be wondering what is going on, and then you start down the path of silently assuming incorrectly the other person is angry or you did something wrong.
> 
> If you tell her you are triggered it is not the same as you telling her she is a beotch for what she did. You are communicating your emotional status to her. Being triggered is about you, not her.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for this, a very good, thoughtful post :smthumbup:

This is pretty much what I tried to do on Saturday with her. But she is such a hot-hed that she just saw it as me trying to punish her for her previous wrong-doings lol


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> There is a big difference in our circumstances. Your wife is a repeat offender and I can see how moving on would be much more difficult. These things take years to get passed even in the "best" of circumstances.



Very true. When the sexting thing happened a few months ago, I laid down the law and basically said "If anything like this happens again, we are over". I meant it and I think she knows that.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Well, man...sounds like you're doing the right things. Sorry though that you triggered. It truly does suck.



Thanks. Impossible I know, I just wish the other people would all get lost! She never had any attention from males as a youngster, and has found it difficult not to 'deflect' the attention she has gotten as an adult.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?


I really don't know!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> The first one (before the EA)- she cut contact completely when he declared his love for her. the 2nd was a friend she was helping through a tough time- I constantly spied on their conversations- quite often he would make cheeky "suggestive" comments, but she would never encourage it and would also laugh it off. There was another, a business associate who was flirting with her. After I discovered this, she basically told him to stop, which he did. The latest one was a stranger on FB basically "sexting" her- and she let it happen although never encouraged it. When I saw this, I told her to delete/block him etc- which she did.
> 
> Believe me when I say I keep a very close eye on her emails/FB/phone, and nothing has happened in the last few months. To be honest, the only time she has done anything 'bad' was the EA in 2008 (for which I get the triggers).


You may trigger about the old stuff, but your wife allowing sexting is freaking stupid whether she reciprocates or not. No offense, everything you write sounds like she is testing you until she finds an EA you are okay with.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

bizzy, read S4E posts.

Wife had an affair, was told my therapist and wife to put it behind him and suck it up and look towards the future. When he triggered wife would say why bring it up it's the past, just move forward, you're hurting the marriage by bringing it up.

10 years later, he's done. Resentment for the past 10 years of having to suck it up and let the past be in the past.

If all she can say is it's the past and you just have to get over it and there's nothing she can or will do to help you then you got a tough choice to make here.

Suck it up and hope you can bury it far enough to not eventually hate her living guts where the sight of her makes you want to puke every time she's even in eye sight.

Or sit her down and get down to the nitty gritty of what you need from her to heal.

If all you need is for her to say,

Honey, I'm sorry i caused you this pain. (big hug and kiss).

Then let her know that. Let her know what you need to help you move on, rug sweep = possible Mt. Vesuvius explosion in the future on your part.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> (I don't really want to have to discuss it with her again the next time it happens).


The problem with that is you lose an opportunity to become more intimate with your wife, to be vulnerable, for her to know you better.

No conflict, no closeness.

Having said that, it is a fine line to walk and I personally keep the triggers to myself as well. I guess it's just easier that way.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, I just really analyzed this post and the responses:


bizzy79 said:


> The first one (before the EA)- she cut contact completely when he declared his love for her. the 2nd was a friend she was helping through a tough time- I constantly spied on their conversations- quite often he would make cheeky "suggestive" comments, but she would never encourage it and would also laugh it off. There was another, a business associate who was flirting with her. After I discovered this, she basically told him to stop, which he did. The latest one was a stranger on FB basically "sexting" her- and she let it happen although never encouraged it. When I saw this, I told her to delete/block him etc- which she did.
> 
> Believe me when I say I keep a very close eye on her emails/FB/phone, and nothing has happened in the last few months. To be honest, the only time she has done anything 'bad' was the EA in 2008 (for which I get the triggers).


You are getting good advice, but maybe it is for the wrong situation. Many people are responding to your comment of 2008, I missed this part myself:


> When the sexting thing* happened a few months ago*, I laid down the law and basically said "If anything like this happens again, we are over". I meant it and I think she knows that.


IMO, due to your first post, people keep telling you to bury it because many thought the incidents happened close to 2008!

You just had one a few months ago. Your wife is the one that continues to cause your triggers. It doesn't matter if you trigger back to 2008. She keeps doing things in the present that cause you to remember the past. Sorry, but sexting is rarely one sided. Facebook would be gone, email would be one shared account and spyware would be all over my wife's phone. 

Still, as someone said earlier, you need a serious sit down. You don't need to apologize or stay quiet, you probably need to approach it better. You know, say "I trigger back to 2008 because the sexting incident reminded me of what you did before I discovered the EA.

Yes, it is 2013 and some things should be lessened, buried or kept to yourself. Still, that only applies if she is working as hard as you. Even if she had little male contact as a youngster, she should understand more 5 years later and all the talks, investigating and boundaries you have set in your relationship.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks all for your replies.

I may not have explained properly in my original post- but we did get through quite a few things on Saturday, it just occasionally erupted into 'argument', and it took a lot of effort to get through to her how I am feeling- but I think it did work 

As for the sexting thing- I am very savvy at keeping a close eye, and I KNOW nothing else has happened of that sort :smthumbup:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks all for your replies.
> 
> I may not have explained properly in my original post- but we did get through quite a few things on Saturday, it just occasionally erupted into 'argument', and it took a lot of effort to get through to her how I am feeling- but I think it did work
> 
> As for the sexting thing- I am very savvy at keeping a close eye, and I KNOW nothing else has happened of that sort :smthumbup:


If you KNOW you have it handled that is cool.

2008 to 2013 equals 5 years. That means your marriage is averaging a boundary issue a year by your own stated examples.


So, either you are broken by over scrutinizing or she is broken, but you both need help.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If you KNOW you have it handled that is cool.
> 
> 2008 to 2013 equals 5 years. That means your marriage is averaging a boundary issue a year by your own stated examples.
> 
> ...



Yeah, the more recent events (i.e. since the EA) haven't helped to be honest. The one which made me mad was the last one- where she was allowing the stranger to say very sexual things to her and she didn't tell him to get lost. 

I think one of the reasons I have things pop up in my mind is because she has only ever 'put a stop' to things once I have confronted her, not before. She never did anything 'bad' herself (after the EA) she just didn't stop these men from coming onto her in the way she should have.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Yeah, the more recent events (i.e. since the EA) haven't helped to be honest. The one which made me mad was the last one- where she was allowing the stranger to say very sexual things to her and she didn't tell him to get lost.
> 
> I think one of the reasons I have things pop up in my mind is because she has only ever 'put a stop' to things once I have confronted her, not before. She never did anything 'bad' herself (after the EA) she just didn't stop these men from coming onto her in the way she should have.


See, we are on the same page because that is my issue with what you described. She is either enjoying this attention or she is baiting you into ending the marriage.

By this I mean, she allows it to happen because she KNOWS you constantly check. So, she lets you play the garbageman because you are cleaning up her messes, while she "conveniently" does not return the sexting. She still looks "innocent" in your eyes, but she is still getting that OM fix.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> See, we are on the same page because that is my issue with what you described. She is either enjoying this attention or she is baiting you into ending the marriage.
> 
> By this I mean, she allows it to happen because she KNOWS you constantly check. So, she lets you play the garbageman because you are cleaning up her messes, while she "conveniently" does not return the sexting. She still looks "innocent" in your eyes, but she is still getting that OM fix.


Yes, I agree. Although I am 95% certain that she will not do this again- I have continued to 'watch' since the last incident (late August 2012), and nothing has happened since. Plus, i told her in no uncertain terms that I will put an end to things if she lets it happen/does this again. I had never got to a point of saying that before, as had been too weak. 

Although we argued the other day, I feel that it 'helped' a little, helping her to see how things can be triggered off easily for me. it also helped to get it off my chest.

I feel I should try to draw a line under this now, I just need to be strong in not bringing it up every time I get a trigger. We have a young daughter, & it hurts me when she sees us 'talking' like this (sometimes it is difficult to hide from her). I just want to move forward now, as we are trying to have another child- I want them to be conceived in a loving environment with as little stress as possible.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It just sucks because if this keeps happening you and your child are going to suffer not your wife. It sounds like you are doing all of the work in the marriage:
1) You monitor.
2) You feel bad for your triggers.
3) You want her to feel safe in the marriage.
4) You want to protect your daughter from the arguments.

I know it is just your side of things, but your wife is doing NOTHING in this regard. Not much more I can say.

Well, good luck!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It just sucks because if this keeps happening you and your child are going to suffer not your wife. It sounds like you are doing all of the work in the marriage:
> 1) You monitor.
> 2) You feel bad for your triggers.
> 3) You want her to feel safe in the marriage.
> ...



Thanks 

Yes it does seem like I am the one to 'suffer' despite her being the one who has done wrong!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Yes, I agree. Although I am 95% certain that she will not do this again-


Can I ask what you base this on?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Can I ask what you base this on?


Because when I gave her my 'ultimatum', I think it shocked her, and she took it seriously. Also, she is in a different job now (was a toxic place, where a lot of the chasing men were met).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> I feel I should try to draw a line under this now, I just need to be strong in not bringing it up every time I get a trigger.


 Since you rug sweep it, you never got a chance to get it off your chest. Because of this, it is still an open wound to you and the healing process has never really begun. You have every right to bring it up as part of the healing process. Her unwillingness to let you do this, shows that it is still all about her in her mind. Also, the fact that she cheated without showing true remorse by allowing you to vent in order to heal, is why she still allows inappropriate relationships to develop with other men. There were no consequences to her cheating, not even requiring remorse. Without remorse there can not be true reconciliation.

I think that it is time to let her know that there will be no more rug sweeping and that if she truly want to allow you to move on she needs to help and support you as you talk this through when you trigger. Tell her that her resistance to helping you heal is the real problem that is dragging this out. Stop letting her hot temper beat you down from demanding what you have a right to demand. Remind her that it is not all about her, that you and your feeling matter too.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TRy said:


> Since you rug sweep it, you never got a chance to get it off your chest. Because of this, it is still an open wound to you and the healing process has never really begun. You have every right to bring it up as part of the healing process. Her unwillingness to let you do this, shows that it is still all about her in her mind. Also, the fact that she cheated without showing true remorse by allowing you to vent in order to heal, is why she still allows inappropriate relationships to develop with other men. There were no consequences to her cheating, not even requiring remorse. Without remorse there can not be true reconciliation.
> 
> I think that it is time to let her know that there will be no more rug sweeping and that if she truly want to allow you to move on she needs to help and support you as you talk this through when you trigger. Tell her that her resistance to helping you heal is the real problem that is dragging this out. Stop letting her hot temper beat you down from demanding what you have a right to demand. Remind her that it is not all about her, that you and your feeling matter too.


Awesome.
This is what I was trying to say, but I am way to formal.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

TRy said:


> Since you rug sweep it, you never got a chance to get it off your chest. Because of this, it is still an open wound to you and the healing process has never really begun. You have every right to bring it up as part of the healing process. Her unwillingness to let you do this, shows that it is still all about her in her mind. Also, the fact that she cheated without showing true remorse by allowing you to vent in order to heal, is why she still allows inappropriate relationships to develop with other men. There were no consequences to her cheating, not even requiring remorse. Without remorse there can not be true reconciliation.
> 
> I think that it is time to let her know that there will be no more rug sweeping and that if she truly want to allow you to move on she needs to help and support you as you talk this through when you trigger. Tell her that her resistance to helping you heal is the real problem that is dragging this out. Stop letting her hot temper beat you down from demanding what you have a right to demand. Remind her that it is not all about her, that you and your feeling matter too.


All very true, thankyou. I (think I) got this message across as best I could on Saturday, although it took some strong words in order to do so. I do recall her being remorseful at the time, but she doesn't seem to be as much so nowadays.

The next time a trigger comes up, I will assess whether to speak to her about it (maybe come here first for advice!), and whether it is worth a discussion. What I am hoping for is for them to get less and less frequent..


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> Because when I gave her my 'ultimatum', I think it shocked her, and she took it seriously. Also, she is in a different job now (was a toxic place, where a lot of the chasing men were met).


So,

is the problem her job at a toxic place,

or is the problem with her ability to remain faithful?

Think about the answer a little...

I think you need to work a little on setting your own boundries.

"Wife, if you do __________,

I will do __________"

And whatever you fill in the blank for what you'll do, you damn well better be prepared to do it.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Saki said:


> So,
> 
> is the problem her job at a toxic place,
> 
> ...


I am prepared to kick her out if she engages in any kind of inappropriate relationship with another man. I have told her this.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Are you really?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I think a better question is how may times have you told her she is going to get kicked out?


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

She will call your bluff.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I think a better question is how may times have you told her she is going to get kicked out?


I have never said it before now (well, August just gone). This forum helped me in coming to this decision, and to realise what steps I need to take for myself, and for my family (i.e. setting some ground rules).


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Saki said:


> Are you really?


Yup.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> The next time a trigger comes up, I will assess whether to speak to her about it (maybe come here first for advice!), and whether it is worth a discussion. What I am hoping for is for them to get less and less frequent..


 This will not work. You have already tried holding back your feelings and never addressing them to your satisfaction and that has not worked. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." It is time to do something different. The reason you have not healed is because you have not been allowed to heal. Tell her that you need her help if you are to heal. Tell her that going forward, you need to feel free to discuss your feelings with her when you are triggered. Until she lets you do this, it will drag out for a long time.


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