# i feel crushed right now- please read



## jen0519 (Jul 9, 2007)

I have been with ryan for three years. We have a two year old daughter. It wasn't very long after we met that I got pregnant. Three months. But even though we were young and we hadn't been together for that long, we decided to stay together and have a family. Things have been so amazing. We have a beautiful daughter and a great house. I have never been so happy in my life. Everybody says that they wish they had a relationship like ours. We don't fight, we have date night. He picks me flowers and puts them out for me to see them. A couple months ago, he asked me to marry him. At the time it happened we were walking home from a party and we were both pretty drunk. I asked him if he was sure about a hundred times before saying yes. When we got back his mother was already up(we were staying at their house for the weekend and his mom gets up everyday at about 3am!). He told his mom right away and was so excited about it. I asked him the next day if this was what he really wanted. I asked this almost every day for about a week. Every time his answer was yes. Since then i have been looking at dresses online. My brother is supposed to be our wedding planner. We go through ups and downs, but no matter what he is the one i love more than anything. 
Last night, he dropped a huge bomb on me. He said that he doesn't remember asking me and that at first he thought that i was playing a trick on him. He said he went along with it because he didn't want to disapoint his mother. He said that he didn't love me. Or actually, he said he loves me sometimes. There was a lot more that was said, but this is the jist of it. We split up a year ago for a couple months. I was not happy with it. I was in such shock for a long time. But eventually I was ok with it. Not exactly ok but I had started living my life and I didn't sit in my room and cry uncontrolabley for hours! But just as i was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, he called. He asked me to come over so we could talk. He asked me to come back. He told me that he loved me and he missed me. I told him that i would not come back just to go through all this again. He promised it wouldn't. Since then, everything has been great. Last night he said that he only wanted to get back together so he could have our daughter around all the time. I can't understand how he could do all these things, say all the things for three years, and its all a lie? He has laid in bed with me for three years every night. He asked me to marry him. He is the person i share all my thoughts and feelings with. I truely love him. How can he do this. He also said last night that he wanted to try again. To keep working on us in hopes that things would get better. Tonight when he came home from work he acted like everything was normal. Hugging and kissing me, we went for a walk at the park. But every time he came close to me I felt like it was all a lie. It almost disgusted me. I made it through the night, we dropped off my little sister, and went home. He suggested that we lay pillows and blankets on the lawn and lay out there for a while. I felt like this was the best time to talk about things. I had felt that he loved me all night. But the things that he had said last night kept running through my mind. Liar!! thats all i could think. I told him how i felt. I told him that i have always loved him, even before i got pregnant. That at the time i didn't know exactly what it was but i knew that there was something different about him. And time really did tell what i was feeling back then. But I cannot believe that he never felt this way about me. And if it is true, why didn't he tell me back then? Why didn't he ask me if i was sure about having a baby at 17!!! No, he promised me that we would stick together through every thing. That he loved me and that this is what he wanted to do. He has been through some pretty bad things in the past. His ex-girlfriend got pregnant when they were together. She claimed it was his and he took care of her through it all. Three months after the baby was born he found out it wasn't his. I know it was the most horrible thing anyone can possibly go through. So when he asked me for a paternity test, I agreed. I had nothing to hide. I knew she was his. It came back positive, like i knew it would. I really thought that this would change a lot of things about our relationship. He always seemed to have this wall up. Like he couldn't really open up to me, and when i talked to him about it he said that this was what it was. Well, when the results came back, nothing changed. Tonight I asked him why he can't open himself up to me. I said that to love someone you have to open yourself up and understand that its a possibility that one day you might be hurt. But when you don't get hurt, you find the most amazing thing you could ever find. I told him that working on the little problems might help for the short run, but if he really wanted to be happy, the issue that needed to be addressed was that he wont let himself love me. I really think that he loved this girl before me and that she hurt him so bad. When I said all these things, he rolled over and said that we would talk more tomorrow. He didn't have anything to say back to me at all!!! I know that this is wrong. I don't want to be loved "sometimes". I want to be loved the same way i love him. I know i should leave tonight, right now. But I can't stop thinking that he is just confused. That he cannot possibly hurt me this much AGAIN!! How stupid could I be to believe that he wouldn't just turn cold on me. I don't want to give up yet. I can't stop thinking about this. Please reply to this. I am at a point that I have no clue what to do. Is he going to come to his senses? If he really feels this way, why hasn't he asked me to leave? Why does he hug me and kiss me and hold my hand as we walk?? Why do I feel love from him but he tells me its not there? I am not delusional. But why can't i make this decision? I need help.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

You might not like what I have to say but I think that you two really need some time apart. Especially for him to figure out what it is that he want. If you don't do something like this then I am just afraid that he will start telling you what you want to hear again. I really do think the best thing would be to just let him go and you try to make a life for you and your daughter of course with him involved as the father. But who know you might find that you don't want him back especially if he cannot figure out if he really want to spend his life with you or not. I really hope that it all works out for you in the end.


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## 2hearts2minds1soul (Aug 2, 2007)

I think I have to agree with everything tater03 said. Maybe time apart to decide what's best for each of you as individuals, than as a couple. I believe the most decietful thing anyone can do is stay with another due to having children together. (I saw this happen to my MIL after 30 years of marriage and 4 years later after divorce, she's still not over it.) Point being, maybe him being away from you & your daughter (I'm not implying he shouldn't see her) - would be good for him, maybe he'll realize what's most important to him. This happened with my husband & I - when we had just our 1st son, I left & was gone for 3 months, over that course of time we both grew as individuals but realized we were a great couple/team too which brought us back together.
I hope this works out for you.


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## Kath3015 (Jul 29, 2007)

I think that you are making yourself too available to him. He knows that you are there and that makes you more of a pursuer. You have let him know what you want and what's important to you and he knows it. Let him come after you... Don't wait for him to ask you to move out, just do it. You are too young to waste your time on him, I am sorry to say. Time to move on. Good luck to you.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

jen0519 said:


> He said he went along with it because he didn't want to disapoint his mother. He said that he didn't love me. Or actually, he said he loves me sometimes.


I'm afraid this is as far as I got in your posting before I knew what I was
going to say... I'll read the rest of it now, but at this point, there's no way
I'd humiliate myself by sticking around to see if someone who "loves me
sometimes" may magically start loving me the right way. It's degrading.

Okay, I finished reading the rest and my opinion didn't change. Even if
you could make a difference now, what happens in 2 years? 5 years? 
Personally I'm much too stubborn to want anyone I had to "make" love
me.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

There is evidence that your guy has this really bad opinion of women. Why isn't he using condoms to avoid pregnancies?

Make sure you get top dollar on child support, start life without him again...making sure to keep him out of your life as much as possible, and make sure any visitation with your daughter is supervised. He has problems.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I agree with you that if he doesn't want kids that he should be using condoms but I am not sure about the supervised visitation? Only because I am not seeing anything in the post where he is harming his daughter other than not knowing if he wants to be the mother. Not to say that cannot emotional harm the daughter because it can but if they were to part that would help alot with that. I just didn't get where you got the supervised visits?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

*Re: Tomorrow is Wedding Annv*

My husband left the day before our 23rd anniversary. Surprisingly the day came and went without any real emotions for me, other than sadness. That was about 3 weeks ago and since then I've been through every emotion and back again. Just when I think I'm getting stronger the whole cycle seems to start over again;crying spells, sadness, anger, depression. I don't know how much longer I can stay on this roller coaster. I just want this pain to be over with (as I am sure all of you do to). Why does he get to go on with his life and none of this seem to bother him while I'm over here trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and just get through the next 5 minutes?


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Here's the reality. If he can't make up his mind after being with you for 3 years, a mother of his child ...then it's obvious he's NOT ready to make a committment. It's time for you to move on with your life, because he does not want to marry you. If he did, he would have already asked you and follow through with his actions!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is from 2007.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans ...Just joined and never thought to look at the dates ...LOL


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