# Partner is cheating and lying



## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm here looking for some advice. I've been lurking for a while, and started one thread looking for keylogger advice.

Long story short - I'm in a 10 year same sex relationship. We've been living together for 5 years. I just turned 39, she's 36. No kids. We're common law spouses where we live.

She made a new friend in August of this year. I immediately had a bad gut feeling about this girl, but I was told I was being insecure and not trusting.

I checked her phone and email for a while back when it was starting, but then she started never letting her phone out of her sight, and changed her email password. 

I recently figured out I knew her mobile account password, and checked phone records. There are an unbelievable number and length of calls to the OW. Like a 329 minute call, and others over 200 minutes. Starting in about October/November and still going.

I have been in IC since November, trying to deal with my insecurity issues - nice how she managed to make me think this was about my problems.

I recently installed webwatcher on the computer at home, and bingo, found her new email password. Found an email to the OW full of I love yous and I miss yous and crap like that. And found messages they exchanged about their 8 month date.

I did a soft confront about a month ago, without sufficient evidence. She denied everything. I even left for a couple of days to get my head clear. When I came back, we never mentioned it again, which I realize is odd.

Basically, I know I have to end this. But I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to lose the life we have together and to be single again and to have to tell the world that our outwardly perfect relationship is over and was, in fact, a giant lie.

I'm not even really sure what I'm asking for here. Advice, I guess. Support, I guess. And I need to make a plan.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't win by being weak and whiney. You have to have character and strength. Your old marriage is history, do not revel in pain and wishful thinking.

If she has a new lover, why is she still with you? What does she want?


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I have no idea what she wants. I think, without knowing, that this doesn't fit into her idea of who she is. She will not like thinking of herself as a cheater and will not want the world to know that she is a cheater. I also think that part of it is that the OW is 'straight' and they want to keep up appearances of her being straight.

And I think she doesn't want to lose the life we have together. We do well financially and have a pretty good life together. Own a nice condo in a good part of the city. And all of 'our' friends are actually my friends, so she'll lose all of them too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your lack of action is generating more and more disrespect from your partner.

Each day that goes by and as WW and OW pull the wool over your eyes the disrespect grows towards you.

Time to pull a 180 and show her the indifference your partner diserves for her deceit.

Stop being a doormat and show some self esteem and stop sharing your partner.

You can't control her but you can stand up and show her what you will and will not tolorate.


You know your chick is wondering were the hell are your boundries as her and the OW walk all over you!!!!!


Geez... were in the hell is your self respect?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who cares what she wants you have your own boundries its up to your partner to respect them.

Having been were you are now 4 years ago I can tell you that you can't nice your way out of this. She already has a huge degree of disrespect for you....time to show her a confident women who won't take any more sh1t.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, the 180 is exactly what you need to take care of yourself. It often has the benefit of waking up the wayward spouse. Some do not look at that as a good thing in that cheaters are best left behind usually.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I
> And I think she doesn't want to lose the life we have together. We do well financially and have a pretty good life together. Own a nice condo in a good part of the city. And all of 'our' friends are actually my friends, so she'll lose all of them too.


She wants you for the security and cushy life.

She wants the other woman for hot sex and romance and hot sex.

She is no longer into you. She has lost her desire and attraction to you, probably because you have let yourself get too comfortable. You are no longer mysterious.

If you aren't legally unified I would not wait for her to humiliate you any further. Say goodbye and start the separation process. It will only get worse as she gets deeper into the other woman.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

do you have any intentions of breaking up?

do you want her back?


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I don't know whether I want her back. I am 95% sure I want to break up with her, but I'm not fully there yet.

I've been working with my therapist on the self-esteem/self-respect issue, and I think I'm almost there. Part of the problem is that I haven't come to terms with how much she's been lying to me. Every conversation involves her saying she wants this to work and that she loves me and wants to spend every day with me. I have to get my head around the fact that, like everything else, those are lies too.

I also don't know how I want to do the break up. I don't think I can handle another conversation where she flat out lies to my face. I


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I'm here looking for some advice. I've been lurking for a while, and started one thread looking for keylogger advice.
> 
> Long story short - I'm in a 10 year same sex relationship. We've been living together for 5 years. I just turned 39, she's 36. No kids. We're common law spouses where we live.
> 
> ...


You aren't losing that life. She's throwing it away.

Get advice on your legal position.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BarCode

Get your ducks in a row financially. If you have joint accounts get your own.

See a lawyer so you know how to split everything legally.

See your iC to help you with your plan.

Then print out a few of her "i love you" emails to her GF and confront with the evidence. Do not accept her lies.

Tell her how the breakup is going to work.

Do not leave herany room for her nonsense.

Is her "straight" GF, the OW married by chance?

HM


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Comes a point in time where you have to do something right even though your heart is telling you the opposite.

Lord only knows it's not a easy decision to make but staying in a relationship for the sake of just having someone in your life to me is far more worse than being on your own and if you really think about it, that's exactly what you have now. Your in a relationship with someone who really isn't there.

If you split up, at least you have solved one headache because infidelity is a pain that keeps on giving until you decide to do something about it. Then little by little the pain goes away and you can concentrate on yourself. Good luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

barcodelabelhere said:


> Every conversation involves her saying she wants this to work and that she loves me and wants to spend every day with me.


"Great. Hand over your phone."


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You said that she would not like the world to know she is a cheater,well their is your answer.expose her to all your friends and if the ow has a husband see if you can find him and tell him.Maybe this will get her head out of the clouds.good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Print out the emails and the phone records, text logs, etc. When she "lies to your face," simply slide the papers across the table at her. Then get up and leave the room.

Then go dark, no contact, in as much as possible while you are still living together.

Finally, expose her affair to everyone you and she both know. And to "straight woman's" significant other, if she has one.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Cheaters always test boundaries. If you are perceived as not doing anything, they will keep pushing their luck until one day they will form an emotional bond with the OW/OM that you won't be able to break and that is when you will get the cowardly ILYBININWU speech.

You you can't get them to respect you, get them to fear you!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I don't know whether I want her back. I am 95% sure I want to break up with her, but I'm not fully there yet.
> 
> I've been working with my therapist on the self-esteem/self-respect issue, and I think I'm almost there. Part of the problem is that I haven't come to terms with how much she's been lying to me. Every conversation involves her saying she wants this to work and that she loves me and wants to spend every day with me. I have to get my head around the fact that, like everything else, those are lies too.
> 
> I also don't know how I want to do the break up. I don't think I can handle another conversation where she flat out lies to my face. I


You have got the best advice there is. Stop thinking, your own thought will not help you. Just do what is advised here.

This is really standard stuff here...sorry to say so, but you will be much, much better off believing what posters say to you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

*Re: Partner is cheating and lyingou have issues*

I don't think there is truly much to add. She doesn't have the integrity to be honest, even worse she's using your own issues against you which is particularly callous. 

You say you have issues with insecurity, wow no wonder..it's not insecurity it was your gut knowing something was wrong and she was lying, you didn't need IC because you trusted your gut and now have the evidence.

See a lawyer, get your financial ducks in order then end it. She'll only lie when confronted and twist the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know might be an option for the future. 

Please remind me. OW is she married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I have no idea what she wants. I think, without knowing, that this doesn't fit into her idea of who she is. She will not like thinking of herself as a cheater and will not want the world to know that she is a cheater. I also think that part of it is that the OW is 'straight' and they want to keep up appearances of her being straight.
> 
> And I think she doesn't want to lose the life we have together. We do well financially and have a pretty good life together. Own a nice condo in a good part of the city. And all of 'our' friends are actually my friends, so she'll lose all of them too.


I only got this far...and im sure others will have mentioned this

EXPOSE!!!
Let this straight ow's husband and family know, let your friends and family, her family know what is happening

expose her for the cheater she is, and do the 180, start detaching and getting ready to split...if SHE wants to save it, let HER do all the work

no different that not-same-sex partnerships...


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

First of all, thanks for the advice, everyone. Second of all, I am gong to only be able to check in sporadically. They severely restricted our internet access at work because of the end of support for Windows XP. I'll only be able to get on at home when my partner isn't here.

OW is not married. The internet restriction means I can't print the emails at work, so will have to wait for a time I can do it at home.

I'm preparing myself to confront and leave. I do know, intellectually, that I have to do this to stand up for myself and to give myself a chance to be truly happy. Emotionally, though, that's harder to accept. I'm working on it.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Being in a committed relationship is not for the weak. Staying true, navigating the winding roads and side stepping the pitfalls of life, are what the faithful endure. Now that I said that, how much and to what end are you going to let this person walk all over your heart and soul. Eight months, too long, eight months, to far. If your lives are not so intertwined then collect your things and leave. Regardless of the path and life choices, no one should endure this type of abuse. That's what it is, abuse. Don't let her do this to you, don't let her destroy your soul, in her pursuit of infidelity. Keep telling yourself you deserve better, all that are betrayed, deserve better. Good luck.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

barcodelabelhere said:


> First of all, thanks for the advice, everyone. Second of all, I am gong to only be able to check in sporadically. They severely restricted our internet access at work because of the end of support for Windows XP. I'll only be able to get on at home when my partner isn't here.
> 
> OW is not married. The internet restriction means I can't print the emails at work, so will have to wait for a time I can do it at home.
> 
> I'm preparing myself to confront and leave. I do know, intellectually, that I have to do this to stand up for myself and to give myself a chance to be truly happy. Emotionally, though, that's harder to accept. I'm working on it.


Barcode, all BS here know exactly what you are going through. It's tough. 
Yet at your most vulnerable you are going to have to be at your strongest. 
You are now in an imaginary relationship and have been for some time. 
Like many WS, she was: 
- blaming you for your insecurities and you ended up going to IC? It wasn't insecurity. Your gut was screaming at you that she was up to something. It makes me mad what they do. They will stop at nothing. 
- told you she loved you all this time and was then running off to meet or spend 3 hours on the phone with OW telling her how much she loved her? Now I'm getting madder!
- to round it all off you are supposed to keep quiet about it because OW wants to pretend she's straight? 
- you took her back and she was so arrogant that she never even mentioned it? While knowing you must be going through hell? 

You have to take a big deep breath. Say nothing. Act normal. Get all the evidence you can and store it offsite. Go see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY and get your common-law divorce papers drawn up with the sale of the condo included since you don't have kids. Be very glad that you don't. 

Then expose them to everyone and I mean everyone. Miss Straight will just have to cope poor thing. Just tell your family and friends the truth. WS would like to make BS into liars too to make them look good. Don't cover for them. 

All your friends are yours so she will lose all of them? Couldn't be better. You will have lots of support. 

Do post when you can. Do you have a friend you could visit in the evening and say you need to use their internet? A friend you can confide in at this point? 

I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep up the IC.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Barcode, it's tough...I know. Sorry you are here. I think ********** and others have given excellent advice. The only thing I would add is to remember to take care of yourself. Lean on your friends, vent here (or with them), get exercise and get outside. Do not withdraw into yourself. The IC will help with that.

Your WS is not your friend. Remember that. She is treating you with severe disrespect by lying repeatedly and cheating. This is not how someone who loves you (in any way) treats you.

You deserve better. You really do. You also have a right to expect it now and in any future relationship.

Best of luck.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I've started printing out the emails and will store them at work. My partner works shift work, so I can do it while she's at work.

Where I'm at now is trying to figure out how smoking a smoking gun has to be. The emails say things like "I love you" and "*kiss*", but don't actually establish a PA. I don't want her to be able to deny or rugsweep or any of the things that people talk about here.

I'm also strongly considering just leaving a copy of the printed emails/phone records/etc with a note saying something along the lines of "It's over. I know. I'm done." I do not care to have another lie-filled conversation. 

I'm planning on monitoring the emails for the rest of the week and determining on the weekend whether I'm ready to go. I have IC again on Thursday for the needed courage.

I do get what people are saying about this being an abusive relationship - my therapist said the same thing. And, again, I know it to be true. And I would be telling my friends to get the eff out of a relationship like this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It takes fire to make steel!

But once you get thru this phucked up mess with this toxic partner you will be stronger... I am and many of us here at TAM are!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It should be about you. Sing ready to go... It's about your partner excepting her deceit and face the concequences... After all it was her that deceived you not the other way around.

Your chick screwed up so it's up to her to deal with her own crap... The way I see it is your just moving on so you can emotionally protect your self from her unhealthy choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I keep forgetting to address the lawyer thing - I am a lawyer, although not a family one, but I am aware of my legal rights - and have a number of contacts that I can reach out to as soon as it becomes necessary.

I've read a bunch of threads here, and I know everyone often advises to expose. I'm not on board with that yet, and don't know that I ever will be.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The cheater scrip will dictate that you are at fault (blameshifting) so be prepared to get mind phucked when you confront.

So at the end of your confrontation.... If it's " all your fault" then tell your partner you will ....JUST LET HER GO!!!!!


You can not reason with cheaters when they have someone else.

Until that someone else is completely out of the picture your relationship is toaste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am sorry that you are here 

As for the exposure bit... I did not expose my ex very much. I only told a select few mutual friends and one or two family members. I know this is very contradictory to what is often posted (and occasionally I do wish I had made him suffer as I did/am) Why would I not tell his friends, co workers, family members? One- in our case it really would not have mattered... his family and friends are the kind of people that do not care about how bad the person has been and Two- I wanted my Privacy. I am a very private person in real life and it is why I prefer using an internet forum where I can express how I am truly feeling or what I am thinking

Do what is best for you and will make you comfortable


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What's comfortable is sitting on your butt hoping it will get better.

Exposure tells folks what's what and a consequence for treating someone like crap with all the phucking deceit!


Let me guess, you all can be friends after this degree of betrayal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior continues with out consequences.

Exposing this will show you if your chick has the salt to stay with you no matter what.

Not exposing this will leed to a false R.

Exposing this will show you what your partner is really made of.
If she really wants this relationship she will do the heavy lifting... If not it will be her out in bailing on you....a tactic that will avoid being her plan B.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My ex and I are not friends and I hope to not speak to my ex ever again but I was still able to get out of the situation and get what I wanted in my decree. I just don't feel that it is necessary to expose your personal life to the world if you are uncomfortable doing so. The OP stated that she was not currently comfortable with/ may not ever be comfortable with exposure. I was simply offering her an alternative.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's not the world ...it informing close Family and friend that the relationship is over until the wayward can confirm and validate NC and that no matter what the betrayed is actually plan A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Again with out consequences bad behavior continues.

There is nothing wrong with asking close family and friend for support for a relationship that is trouble with a wayward spouse.

The way I see it you are going to end a relationship due to the deceit... And if it stops then R is a possibility. If the infidelity continues then you also need support in moving on.


Hiding this bull crap will just get the loyal screwed over! All the while the wayward looks like the victim ...it's part of the script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you think the wayward is going to tell family and friends that she betrayed her spouse cuz she found someone else, that helped me ruin a commited relationship?

No the loyal will be labels as controlling, crazy and jealous ..... And by the way... Meet my " new" friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Avoid the lies and. Expose this for what it really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I've read a bunch of threads here, and I know everyone often advises to expose. I'm not on board with that yet, and don't know that I ever will be.


Depends on your agenda. If you want her back, the OM simply MUST BE GONE. She'll never look your way again as long as someone else is giving her chills. Best way to make him gone is to tell everyone what they're doing so that it is no longer fun. Trust me, I know how hard this is; my brother is now going through it. He's decided not to expose because he wants her gone. Exposure's only for getting your spouse back (or for negotiating a good divorce deal). If you want her back, what have you got to lose? She's gone anyway unless this guy is gone. 

Your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

But if she's this abusive witch, I'd think long and hard about why you're grasping at this marriage, when there are so many other people out there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposure is best. If you don't, the cheater invariably lies about you and the break up. The rule still stands, he who lies first wins. Sad but true.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I recently installed webwatcher on the computer at home, and bingo, found her new email password. Found an email to the OW full of I love yous and I miss yous and crap like that. And found messages they exchanged about their 8 month date.


They had an 8th month anniversary date? How cute. 

Look Barcode. I get you not being so sure about exposure. 

You don't have to tell everyone, e.g. your work colleagues. It can be simply "We broke up."

However when it comes to BOTH of your families and friends that's another story. Only takes 1 sentence. 
*"I left her because I just found out she was having an affair for the past 8 months."*

You don't even have to say anything else. If they want details, you can say you don't want to talk about it. 

Why should you expose? Because all WS are plain old nasty. They lie, they cheat, they treat their partners like doormats and are so spineless that instead of breaking up with BS they maintain their cosy life and have their 'exciting' one with someone else. 

There isn't a lot you can do. But what you can do is let everyone know who she really is - with that one sentence above. You can write a letter/email to her family with only that one sentence too. Cheaters are usually charmers. They know how to manipulate everyone around them. At least let your family, hers and all your friends know who she really is. . . You're a lawyer. Should she get off scot free? It's merely justice IMO. 

Or you can cover for her so that she can maintain her charming facade and slink out of this horrible situation with no consequence? 

Make her squirm a little. All WS deserve at least that. 

You must suit yourself Barcode but I thought I would just throw in my two cents worth.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

********** said:


> They had an 8th month anniversary date? How cute.
> 
> Look Barcode. I get you not being so sure about exposure.
> 
> ...


Fixed that for you. Otherwise I agree 100%


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

Thanks, everyone. I do appreciate the advice and support. 

I think I was taking 'expose' a little too literally. I'm not a big gesture or big announcement type of person. I was interpreting 'expose' as requiring some big production, not a quiet word to family and friends.

I have already told a good friend of mine, who is slightly apart from all of our group of friends (this is a gay female thing - packs of mutual friends), everything about this. She has been a lifesaver. I've told two of our closest friends (who started as mine - I know, this is confusing) about most of it, and am planning on meeting them later this week to talk about it more.

I'm gathering support, in my own way and on my own time. And I'm working on an exit plan. It's easier to focus on the "intelligence gathering" aspect of it, than it is to focus on the exposure/confrontation/end of the relationship part, but I'm hoping that the intelligence gathering will help guide my emotions.

And I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday to try to finalize the exit plan. Tentatively planned for this weekend, but we'll see.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What are your expectations for closure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

Expectations for closure just changed. I found the email. The one. 

They're in love, she's planning on breaking up with me, this is so hard for her, she's not this type of person, blah blah blah.

It was already over - I was just planning on when/how I was going to leave. Now I'm deciding how I want to play this out. Do I want to wait for her to start the conversation and then see how honest she will actually be? Or do I want to win the race to leave and get out before she sacks up and does it? 

She knows I suspect that they're together. She has no idea how much I know.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'd go ahead and tell her she can move out now. like now now. pack her sh1t and go on to the OW. 

sorry she's doing you this way. 
you'll be better off without her.


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

barcodelabelhere said:


> Now I'm deciding how I want to play this out. Do I want to wait for her to start the conversation and then see how honest she will actually be? Or do I want to win the race to leave and get out before she sacks up and does it? .


You start the conversation, tell her you know, and that the thing to discuss now is the terms of your separation. Not becuase it is a race, but becuase your healing begins now. To wait and lie low is to descend to your partner's level, conceilinging knowledge and truth for tactical advantage. You have no need for that. On the contrary, embracing truth, no matter how painful, and acting decisively from a place of truth are the first steps toward regaining self-respect, autonomy, and empowerment.

I am sorry for your hurt. I wish you well.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

owl6118 said:


> You start the conversation, tell her you know, and that the thing to discuss now is the terms of your separation. Not becuase it is a race, but becuase your healing begins now. To wait and lie low is to descend to your partner's level, conceilinging knowledge and truth for tactical advantage. You have no need for that. On the contrary, embracing truth, no matter how painful, and acting decisively from a place of truth are the first steps toward regaining self-respect, autonomy, and empowerment.
> 
> I am sorry for your hurt. I wish you well.


That sounds nice in theory. I want to win!!!

(I know you're right.)


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

barcodelabelhere said:


> That sounds nice in theory. I want to win!!!
> 
> (I know you're right.)


My gosh, you ARE an attorney!


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

owl6118 said:


> My gosh, you ARE an attorney!


And a competitive athlete. There's no hope for me.


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

barcodelabelhere said:


> And a competitive athlete. There's no hope for me.


You go, tough girl.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Keep the high ground morally. It takes a while, but you'll come out on top.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Pack up her stuff ,put it in the middle of the room and when she gets home tell her skank ass to hit the road.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

101Abn said:


> Pack up her stuff ,put it in the middle of the room and when she gets home tell her skank ass to hit the road.


Sounds good, but only useful as a bluff most likely. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

Well, I confronted. Started it by text because I'm chickens&*t. Then had a legitimate conversation about it.

It started with denial, then TT as I revealed what I know. She only admitted to kissing the OW once, and said nothing else has happened because it felt so wrong. I don't believe that for a second.

She admitted being in love with the OW. She said she's sorry she hurt me and she's a terrible person. 

She left for work and is coming back in the morning to pack a bag.

I am a sobbing, heaving mess.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for your pain but there is a lot coming your way in the future....please see this and know you are no longer a doormat.

What sucks is your chick hasn't a glue about your pain.. If she was truly remorseful she would. E sorry for the betrayal and her own actions.

She's sorry for getting caught not for her deceitful behavior and her own actions.

She's sorry for your pain but makes no attempt to right a wrong... Only to avoid any real commitment to you.

Stay strong and don't cry I front of her!

She is going to look for justification for her deceit.... Don't give her any...she diserve your indifference so buck up camper and smile, wish her the best and inform her that you will no longer want or need her in your life.

She will push your buttons and look for a reaction that will justify her choices.... don't give her any!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for your pain but there is a lot coming your way in the future....please see this and know you are no longer a doormat.

What sucks is your chick hasn't a glue about your pain.. If she was truly remorseful she would be sorry for the betrayal and her own actions.

She's sorry for getting caught not for her deceitful behavior and her own actions.

She's sorry for your pain but makes no attempt to right a wrong... Only to avoid any real commitment to you.

Stay strong and don't cry in front of her!

She is going to look for justification for her deceit.... Don't give her any...she diserve your indifference so buck up camper and smile, wish her the best and inform her that you will no longer want or need her in your life.

She will push your buttons and look for a reaction that will justify her choices.... don't give her any!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please do not beg her for this relationship.

Walk away if you start to break down...again she is looking for the typical crap that justified her "reason" why she did what she did. She wronged you so don't give any reason to make this crap OK, it all on her and never except any blame shifting bull crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are hurting but you really deserve better.
take care of yourself and let us know if we can help.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I saw her yesterday when I got home from work - she had come home after her shift yesterday morning and slept in the spare room. She was just finishing a very long email to me when I got home, and was on her way out the door. I had left work early and had come home only to find her car still here. I ended up driving around the neighbourhood (there's a giveaway that I'm Canadian) and trying to wait for her to leave, but after an hour I figured she wasn't leaving, so I went in - impatience is not a virtue.

Anyhow, we hugged and cried and she left. The email was a truly heartfelt apology and part explanation. No blameshifting, just remorse and acknowledgement of how much she hurt me. It broke my heart again. I know part of it was her feeling sorry for herself, but I do believe she is truly sorry for hurting me.

She didn't say anything about ending it with the OW, just how truly sorry she is and I'm the best person she knows and she'll love me forever and a lot of apologizing. It doesn't really change anything, just makes me more sad, really. 

She's staying at a friend's place, at least for a few days. It wasn't that big of a bag she took, so I'm assuming she'll be back on the weekend some time. We have a soccer game on Monday night (another wonderful feature of same-sex relationships - you play sports together!). The relationship is over, but I can't imagine my life without her. 

Basically, I'm a mess. I know that this was a personal victory in standing up for myself and having self-respect, etc., but man, it sucks.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

glad there was very little drama. 
take good care of yourself.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

barcode

I fixed this last sentence for you.



> I know that this was a personal victory in standing up for myself and having self-respect, etc., but woman, it sucks.




And yes it sucks. But you are going to be ok in time. And find a good woman to be with that will value you.

I am glad you got an apology.

And by the way, you sound like you have your head on straight. So ditch the therapist and have a great life! 

HM


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

Hope you are hanging in there.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

owl6118 said:


> Hope you are hanging in there.


I'm hanging in there. She has temporarily moved out. We've seen each other a couple of times because of all of the mutual friends. I've slowly been telling my closest friends about the breakup, but with varying level of details. 

I'm sad and lonely and tired. And I miss her. 

Next steps, I guess, are to figure out a more permanent living arrangement and to figure out all of that fun financial stuff. This all sucks, though. Just in case that wasn't clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

barcodelabelhere said:


> I'm hanging in there. She has temporarily moved out. We've seen each other a couple of times because of all of the mutual friends. I've slowly been telling my closest friends about the breakup, but with varying level of details.
> 
> I'm sad and lonely and tired. And I miss her.
> 
> ...


You have handled this with clear eyes, dignity and determination. Gosh, it sucks. But your character is going to bring you to a good place again.


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