# Do you ever fear infidelity?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's strange, reading the threads here on TAM, I've come to realise I've done quite a few things that could justify infidelity on the missus' part. Yet over 4-5 years of knowing her, she's never done as such, despite me even prodding her to cheat with my full consent in the past.

To be honest I've never really trusted anyone not even family due to my childhood experiences. I never take anyone's word, it's never about who I trust, only what I trust them to do. Yet somehow, the missus has managed to earn it to the point the idea of her cheating has become laughable.

But unfortunately, this way I'll *never* see it coming. Has anyone trusted their spouse explicitly, and then end up with the shock of their lives as the seemingly unbelievable just happened? I'm wondering whether it's even possible that I left a base uncovered.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I never did until it happened.

My wife suspected for years for nothing and it finally happened, too.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

With my ex, I never thought it would happen. I thought he was made of better stuff than that. Especially since he didn't have a *reason* to cheat. If anyone did, it was me. And I didn't. Go figure.
In my current relationship, I do not believe this man would cheat on me. I really don't believe it's in his character. But I've thought this before, so I keep one eye open. I won't be blind to certain signs again.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

I trust my DH a lot, he is very open with me, he makes me feel very secure. But I know, we are human being, we are far away from being perfect, we have fragility, defects, we make mistakes.As long as he doesn't do things purposly and constantly hurting me, it is forgivable. if he knows something can hurt me badly, break my heart, and he still does it, then, it's hurting me purposely.
I even talk to him from time to time, if he feels that he wants being with another woman, then, walk out of this marriage first, I am ok with that, but I am not ok with cheating.


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## Jabasag (Jan 5, 2011)

From what I can tell from talking to folks, you always fear infidelity if it has happened to you, particularly if you have been blindsided. Once the trust has been breached, even if the relationship has been restored, people know that it's not outside the realm of possibility that their spouse could be betraying them. The key seems to be to not act out of fear, (checking up etc.) but to use that awareness to motivate you to make sure your spouse knows how much he or she is loved.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jabasag said:


> From what I can tell from talking to folks, you always fear infidelity if it has happened to you, particularly if you have been blindsided. Once the trust has been breached, even if the relationship has been restored, people know that it's not outside the realm of possibility that their spouse could be betraying them. The key seems to be to not act out of fear, (checking up etc.) but to use that awareness to motivate you to make sure your spouse knows how much he or she is loved.


Very well put!!
I will always know that my wife is capable of cheating. She will always know that I am.
My purpose in life is to make her feel so loved, so wanted, so needed, so beautiful that no matter what any other man says or does, I am the only man that she has any desire for.
She has the same job as far as I am concerned. She knows this, too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DanF said:


> I will always know that my wife is capable of cheating. She will always know that I am.
> My purpose in life is to make her feel so loved, so wanted, so needed, so beautiful that no matter what any other man says or does, I am the only man that she has any desire for.
> She has the same job as far as I am concerned. She knows this, too.


This is absolutely the PERFECT attitude to carry into marraige and all through marraige, knowing that each of us has weak areas in our lives that need "filling" on a consistent basis - and because we love our spouses, we DO that filling. I simply could not agree more !! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

To be honest, and this may sound strange, but a part of me actually wishes that the missus has cheated. So she can stop rubbing in my past infidelity all the time cause it makes me feel like sh-t when she uses as a guilt-trip. 
Another part of me feels that I may have a too high expectation of her, as everything including the signs tells me that she has never cheated. Not even one slight suspicion... and that is leaving me very vulnerable for the ultimate betrayal.

I wonder though if it's even possible a woman who:
- Calls up regularly to check up on me
- Meets up during the day most of the time
- Frequently screws me
- Rejected my offer for her to cheat with my full consent
- Tells me everything she does
- Rarely lies (even then it's white lies), only lies out of omission
- Has strong spiritual morals and pride in it
- Already has a history of 'been there, done that' with sex
Doing all the above without me asking, could possibly have cheated on me...
In the future, who knows, perhaps her strength may wane, but I'm just curious if it's even possible, she IS a very outgoing sort.

Can the above be used as a standard (which has not changed) for the future to look for certain signs of change? Or is the standard even flawed - and have I left a base uncovered? Could she have cheated in the past? Hell I don't know


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Dude, this is a crazy conversation. You're asking if it's possible that she could at some future time, in a parallel universe, cheat? Of course. She might. But she might win the lottery or go lesbian, or become a born again Christian. Who knows.

Right now there is no indication that she has. She's forgiven you, and you seem to be focused on impractical, drama inducing speculation, than on being a good husband to her. 

Your obsession with this is probably your own guilt reflecting back. Try to use your energy for something more positive. Plan a nice date, make a video for her, or do something else thoughtful and loving. It'll distract you.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

I've trusted my husband 100% in not cheating but can't trust him in what he says he will do (never follows through), or what he says in general and he will lie at times. 

Two years ago I did catch him signing up on every affair website online. Shocked! Can't tell you how much this hurt me...he never followed through with any of the contacts but am still trying to learn to trust him again.

Anyone and everyone is vulnerable to an affair, you have to guard yourself and be involved with your spouses business. I did catch it before it happened and am fortunate it did..and was able to do something about it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah that's true... I guess this started to bug me since reading a thread last night about how 80% of spouses cheat or something... makes me wonder really. But in this I'm probably thinking too much!

Heh guess "if it aint broke, don't fix it"
Have to keep remembering that, have a habit of comparing my marriage to others on this forum.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Good man. Someone ALWAYS has it better, and someone ALWAYS has it worse. That's just life.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I truly don't think my boyfriend would ever cheat on me. I don't think it's something he could ever do, not in his character, like major said. 

At the same time, sure I do worry about it sometimes. Not because he's ever given me a reason to, but because I have been cheated on in the past by other men. Residual insecurity does get the better of me every now and then and makes my imagination run wild. When that happens, though, I simply look at him, who he is and how he's always treated me and I know I have nothing to worry about. 

If I began to see signs that I thought really could indicate infidelity, I would talk to him. I wouldn't stick my head in the sand and hope they go away.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I frequent an infidelity forum occasionally. I have a lot of respect for the folks who stay there to help out. One thing that seems to be a common thread is that once you've been cheated on, you're never able to trust someone that blindly again. No 100% trust anymore, where you might have had that before infidelity. And that's even if you go on to a new partner. 
I also believe in such a thing as the "perfect storm". Even people such as your wife (and myself) just MIGHT succumb to temptation if all the elements come together. I'd like to think not..but I'm not as naive as I once was, either.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am a naive woman in many areas.

With my ex, I never thought that he would cheat on me, it turned out that he cheated, and he even let the woman he was having affair with talked to me, he wanted to make that woman feel good. He was in China working, the woman was his assistant. She wanted him to divorce me, but he didn't want to. It turned out that I wanted to divorce him, but he didn't marry that woman. I don't find this funny. 

Now with my husband, I am not naive anymore. But I am confident about our strong love, I am also cautious what might happen. 

Thank goodness, my husband was raised as a witness, witness men will be disowned by the whole family if they commit adultery. I am also confident that my husband finds me so unique, he won't do anything silly to ruin what he has, just like I won't do anything to ruin what I have. I do my best a good wife does, I do my best to make him happy. He is content and he is stress free! 

And I don't let unknown future bother me any more. When it happens, I will deal with it then. Right now, it is just not worth it for me to be paranoid. The more you are worried it might happen, the more possible it might happen!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I would like to think he wouldn't, but I'm no fool. I fear how I would react, and what I may do to him if I found out he cheated.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

We're all imperfect - human...Each one of us is not completely trustworthy.

What I mean is this: Under the right conditions every single one of us would lie, cheat, steal, and even kill.

The key phrase is "the right conditions"...that phrase is defined differently for everyone.

We all need to be protectove of our marriage. Slip and falls happen all the time & often "before you know it" or when you "didn't mean to."

Earlier in my life I would have never thought this way - I believed in unequivoal trust of a romantic partner. My H & I are taking a marriage enrichment class and we have learned a few things.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> We're all imperfect - human...Each one of us is not completely trustworthy.
> 
> What I mean is this: Under the right conditions every single one of us would lie, cheat, steal, and even kill.
> 
> The key phrase is "the right conditions"...that phrase is defined differently for everyone.


I can see circumstances in which protecting or feeding my children would require lying or killing. Those are my conditions. But why cheating? What person of character would find themselves in a situation in which their integrity is better served by cheating than getting out?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I believe, given the right circumstances, that any spouse is capable of cheating (myself included).

Therefore I always fear infidelity, whether I have obvious reasons to or not.

I'm always vigilant about the possibility which I think can be good, as it keeps me on my toes and helps me not to be blind to what I'm doing in my marriage and how my husband is behaving. I may not react properly or handle the situation well, but I'm not blind to what is or isn't going on. 

I don't just let things slide and I try to address issues (not always successful), but, my husband knows I know what's going on and that I will be as proactive as possible, not always reactive.

So yes I do and any sane, intelligent spouse should.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't fear it, but I am very cynical when it come to my wife now.

Especially when she expresses how truthful and ethical she is in some issue (realtor, she and other realtors). She'll be annoyed that they lie and she would "never " lie.

I can recall arching an eyebrow and saying "never"?

She got my point, she'll never lie except when she wants to. 

I don't spend hours every day checking up on her but I will not tolerate things such as out at bar, overnighters to vegas without me, etc.

Just not gonna happen if she wants to be married to me. Price she paid.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Geez, michzz I never pegged you for mr negative. "price" indeed. 

I don't have any ethical dilemma with lying under certain circumstances. Not every person/situation deserves my truth. I would never ever lie at work. Aside from being dumb, that IS ethically reprehensible. But I lied to my son's art teacher this am. He was very overtired. I value getting enough sleep very highly. I thought that the health issue of sleeping in (homeschooling!) outweighed one music class. I know the school's policy. They would not agree. I lied. I am ok with that.

I have no trouble with giving my husband great freedom. When the boys have a bachelor party, I send him off with a stack of bills. When he went to Vegas for work, I asked him to give me the highlights. I know with 150% certainty that he would never ever cheat on me. 

Some of the contributing factors to this confidence are that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if there are marital issues, he would bring them to my attention with confidence that they would be dealt with to HIS satisfaction. (And vice versa!) That if he has an issue, it is my issue as well. We have done this enough times now to have some measure of confidence.

The other confidence building factor is that neither one of us is going to lose our noodle over the idea that perhaps there is sexual interest elsewhere. If I were to go to him and say gee honey, I am developing sexual feelings for this guy at the gym, he would say what are the chances that he is safe and available? Not that we would DO it necessarily. That ship has sailed. But the idea that one is ever only going to have sexual interest in ONE person their whole life seems positively weird to me. (Stats on cheating seem to back me up here.) So there is no need to hide attractions that happen because both of us assume that they will.

I can't help wonder what issues lurk in a marriage when infidelity fears are forefront in people's heads.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> I don't fear it, but I am very cynical when it come to my wife now.


You said "now". Did your wife cheat on you? That explanation must have come before my time here at TAM.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> You said "now". Did your wife cheat on you? That explanation must have come before my time here at TAM.


Yes, she cheated for a very long time.

She'd win a gold medal in the liar Olympics.

I just found it headshaking ironic that she considers herself to be a truthful person.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> Yes, she cheated for a very long time.
> 
> She'd win a gold medal in the liar Olympics.


Ouch.


> I just found it headshaking ironic that she considers herself to be a truthful person.


Magic thinking sucks major moose c0cks. (Vermont saying.)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You may be an interesting person to ask this. It has been on my mind. You see a lot of threads here about getting the marriage back after infidelity. That is a pretty big deal breaker for me. And I cannot quite understand why one would want it back. Perhaps you have shared this. And I certainly don't want to dredge up old pain for you. But if you are willing to illuminate why it might be good to pursue marriage with a cheating spouse, I would love to hear it. I am pretty sure I would drop kick my husband to Tasmania if he ever cheated on me. It is not the sex, obviously. It is the breaking of trust. The deception. Anyway.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

At first, I tried to repair things from a so-called one time "mistake."

I figured I could suck it up and if we both worked at it, we could save the marriage. We went to MC, seemed to be refocused on the two of us.

In reality? She continued her affair! 

We bought a house went on nice vacations, raised our kids.

She continued the affair for about 8 years. At least that is what I finally got out of her in 2008. And that was 8 years after she supposedly stopped cheating.

Lots of things transpired during that time. Our son got seriously ill, job issues have increasingly been a problem.

I consulted with a divorce attorney who told me I'd be paying spousal support for life if she is not employed. So I was trying to get her employed so that would be mitigated. Then I got laid off almost a year ago.

Once I get a job I'm out of here.

It was a mistake to have attempted to reconcile with her when she was still deep in her deception. She basically stole half our married life from us. 

So I'm now biding my time for an exit that is convenient for me.

If she had made any decent attempt to repair things between us this would be different. 

She truly is one messed up person. I don't want her to think she got away with being so crappy.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Holy crispy crap. michzz. You deserve better than that. Your wife is no person of character. Integrity? Joke. There is someone out there for you. And she will not be like your current b!tch ... ah ... wife.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I used to fear it a lot, because I grew up seeing most men in my family proudly cheat.

I did not trust my husband until after we married. Even now, it's only about 90%. I think it's unwise for a woman to completely trust a man, because there is still a part of me that believes that every man cheats. 
It is one of the reasons I always make sure that I have my own money, so that I can leave if need be.
There have also been some past occurences with my husband while we were dating; not infidelity, just breaches of trust. I forgive my hubs, but I will never forget.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I can see circumstances in which protecting or feeding my children would require lying or killing. Those are my conditions. But why cheating? What person of character would find themselves in a situation in which their integrity is better served by cheating than getting out?


Vt Mom,

I can't answer that for you. Only *you* can answer that for you.

The difficulty in coming up with a general "catch all" answer lies in our diversity as individuals.

For example, you connected protecting or feeding your kids with lying or killing. Some people would connect the lower level needs of their kids with those same activities (Think about the cheerleader's mom who had a hit placed on her daughter's rival. Many of us would balk at that - but she felt it was necessary.)

We are all different people with different "buttons" and weaknesses...different motivations & perceptions.

That's the bottom line.

With the right set up, the most honest man could become a thief...the kindest person you know could become cruel.

I used to judge people who cheated as weak, selfish, defective somehow. My thinking has evolved on that because of this concept. Things happen in people's lives and none of us are perfect.

Do I fear infidelity? No.

But that's because my H & I take measures to protect and care for our marriage.

That's all I got


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Nope!!!! not in the slightest.


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

I always say I don't think my H would ever cheat, but that doesn't mean he won't. Meaning never say never.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

It's amazing how many people don't fully trust their spouses. Not everyone cheats or cares about things like that. But, you all make it sound like everyone does it or will do it some time in life.

I know I will never be a cheater. I wasn't born that way. My husband won't cheat either. For him, just having me is perfect. There are other things in life that are more important than wanting someone else as a companion. It's mind boggling to see how so many peeps just easily cross the line.


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## Liveeitup (Jan 24, 2011)

I don't trust any man. Monogamy is learned behavior. Temptation is something people will always give into, whether your madly in love with your spouse or not. Never put it past anyone that they wouldn't do that to you, cuz believe me when it happens, you'll feel like your world is coming to an end. My ex cheated on me and also got the girl pregnant. To this day, he is still with her. This was three years ago, and from that one experience, I have never been able to allow myself to trust anyone as I trusted him. Don't be foolish, I'm not saying everyone is a cheater, but I'm saying that anything is possible.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

There is no way on earth my husband would cheat on me nor I on him. I trust him more than anything else I have ever known in my life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can go through a marriage never fearing infidelity, but one day when the fear pops up, for some reason or another, it is your gut telling you that your spouse is in an affair.

Thats just my take, I'm sure that there are folks that were blideside by there spouse, but for the most part the fear doesnt materializ until there is something to really fear.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As you can see some folks do not have that fear and will never find the need to snoop on there spouse b/c there are no red flags.

Alls it takes is a few red flags and you will be snooping. I for one wish I didn't have those flags that created that fear but it happens.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

michzz said:


> At first, I tried to repair things from a so-called one time "mistake."
> 
> I figured I could suck it up and if we both worked at it, we could save the marriage. We went to MC, seemed to be refocused on the two of us.
> 
> ...


No advice just hope that things get better for you.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont live in fear of being cheated on. its kinda like the cuban missle crisiss, or the stock market crash.

these things could happen, and if they do its how you handle the fallout.

i used to be parniod about it. i would ask my husband wwhere he was, and try to match up times, i would go through his pockets, and the glovebox. but nothing. so i gave up. if he cheats, after our life, i wouldnt blame him for running to drama-free, and non stressed pasters.

i always try to keep in mind, you get the energy you put out...or if you wish it so shall it be....

thats just my thoughts..............


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