# Porn is ruining my marriage...



## Completelylost26 (May 22, 2016)

My husband and I have been together for 13 months, married for 3 months. He never wants to have sex with me, when we do its like he's doing me a favor... he is very affectionate and tells me how much I mean to him, and blames the lack on being tired... the problem that has me falling to pieces is there is porn all over the Internet history... I feel so unwanted and shattered that I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now... suggestions??


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If you go off on him like histerical a woman it will be unproductive. If you approach it like hey I've noticed you watched some porn on the computer. How about let's watch some together. I'd like to know what you like. And maybe you can learn what I like! Sounds fun to me. 

If your really put off by porn then maybe your not compatible sexually.

I do think porn can be abused and desiring porn over your wife is a problem! But he's an adult you can't chide him or force him to do anything.

Understanding why might help you get through this and might make your sex life better for both of you.
do you do the things he like sexually?

I know at least for me I would never look at porn if my wife would care about what I like but she is very shellfish . 
.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Leave now. It is unlikely to get better.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MotherOfTwo&WifeofOne said:


> Simply tell him how you feel and that the porn has to stop. He's obviously jerking off instead of being intimate with you.
> 
> Why he'd prefer that I have no idea but it's time for him to step up.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk


I'm sorry but this is just not going to work.

Just simply tell him Boohoo you looking at porn makes me feel bad. And you have to stop. He will just say i'm sorry and hide it better. 

Got to get to the root of the problem or behavior. Is he looking at porn because his wife is selfish in the sack? Or because he has a problem with it . did his wife gain a pile of weight , is she a crazy b!tch that complains all day and so he is turned off? Could be lots of reasons ! 

Having a calm discussion about it and then deciding if its a dealbteaker would be my advice. Strong arming him and trying to force him to stop without knowing what's going on is just going to make him lie about it and hide it better.


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## Completelylost26 (May 22, 2016)

First off I'm not the type to go off on hysterics when bringing a problem up in our marriage, I also know this has to be handled in a calm manner. I am in no way into watching porn and have no desire to, I am a very laid back person, he even tells me that often. I always put his needs before my own, but a woman has needs too, and I'm at my breaking point, it's not fair to me to feel like I have to beg for sex nor is it fair to feel unwanted. Most men complain about not receiving enough... I'm willing to give and he refuses to take. Clearly there is a problem. We have also had this issue once before while dating and I expressed then how it made me feel. I'm a reasonable person, and the problem is not that he watches it, it's that it is taking away from us having an intimate relationship together.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I had this problem with my husband watching too much. 
I told him I didn't mind him watching it, but if he could cut down to once a month (in a nice friendly conversation).
He agreed & our sex life improved greatly. 
He hasn't watched porn in a month & says he doesn't even miss it. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Completelylost26 said:


> First off I'm not the type to go off on hysterics when bringing a problem up in our marriage, I also know this has to be handled in a calm manner. I am in no way into watching porn and have no desire to, I am a very laid back person, he even tells me that often. I always put his needs before my own, but a woman has needs too, and I'm at my breaking point, it's not fair to me to feel like I have to beg for sex nor is it fair to feel unwanted. Most men complain about not receiving enough... I'm willing to give and he refuses to take. Clearly there is a problem. We have also had this issue once before while dating and I expressed then how it made me feel. I'm a reasonable person, and the problem is not that he watches it, it's that it is taking away from us having an intimate relationship together.


Agreed

So now you can give him the ultimatum. With what you described I would not want to be married to someone who denied me sex and then took care of themselves .


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Completelylost26 said:


> First off I'm not the type to go off on hysterics when bringing a problem up in our marriage, I also know this has to be handled in a calm manner. I am in no way into watching porn and have no desire to, I am a very laid back person, he even tells me that often. I always put his needs before my own, but a woman has needs too, and I'm at my breaking point, it's not fair to me to feel like I have to beg for sex nor is it fair to feel unwanted. Most men complain about not receiving enough... I'm willing to give and he refuses to take. Clearly there is a problem. We have also had this issue once before while dating and I expressed then how it made me feel. I'm a reasonable person, and the problem is not that he watches it, it's that it is taking away from us having an intimate relationship together.


Odds are he used porn BEFORE he met you and also WHILE the two of you were dating when the relationship was thriving. While it is easy now to point out porn as being the source of the problem (and I agree porn is very problematic), right now you are using porn as your scapegoat.

Your husband is most likely struggling with the transition from being single and to now being married. The biggest part of this transition is to understand how to manage and promote personal space in the relationship.

*I am going to suggest that you try this: *Talk to your husband about his needs to masturbate, and while it may seem counterintuitive, encourage him to continue doing it. Also try to share your desire for him and ask him to help encourage you to find creative ways to enjoy your self exploration. An example might be that you give him a jar of coconut oil and ask that he familiarize himself with how it feels and to think about doing whatever he wants with the coconut oil with you while he masturbates. 

...my point being is that *desire needs distance* and you can help promote this in your relationship by promoting personal space in a way that likely fostered the SAME levels of desire when the two of you were just dating. He likely used to enjoy masturbating while thinking of you, but now you are right there next to him all the time, and perhaps making him feel that he is unable to please you which will give him anxiety and push him away from you erotically speaking. 

*One of the biggest turn ons for men is being TEASED* in that we want what we can not have, so you have to playfully let him think that he can NOT have you! If you are confident enough masturbate in front of him and ask him to think about how good it would feel to be inside of you, because in this moment, he will only be allowed to watch. THEN the next time you are together, tell him he is NOT allowed to orgasm, that he is only allowed to imagine it. Engage in motionless intercourse and ask him to just focus on feeling you orgasm while you stimulate yourself, but tell him he is NOT allowed to have one, that you simply want to enjoy feeling him aroused and no more. Then tell him if he can't control himself that he will need to beg you to push him over the edge and allow him to climax. 

One or two things will happen, he will beg you and you will enjoy this, OR he will loose control with desire and arousal and be aggressive and just take you in a very passionate moment of sexual release. Both of which you are likely to enjoy.

DO NOT COMPLAIN about sex with him. Be happy and confident and make it very EASY for him to please you, while at the same time make him work a little before you please him in a way that teases him.

Desire needs distance. Teasing creates distance. Distance creates desire. Desire creates drive. Drive creates arousal. Arousal sparks curiosity. Curiosity sparks his IMAGINATION of wanting more of you. Him wanting more of you will build his hormones, and at this point he is all yours!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


PS: One wife found that she could get her husband aroused by controlling what porn he was allowed to watch. Eventually he discovered that her telling/describing the porn she was trying to find for him to be way more erotic than the porn itself. In reality she was just sharing some of her own fantasies that she wanted her husband to role play inside of his imagination for her while he enjoyed feeling his desire start to build.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

You only dated for 10 months before getting married. It doesn't sound like you really knew what you were getting yourself into. Was there a reason for the rushed wedding?


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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

My ex husband was the same way. He turned my sexual advances down constantly. Then I would find heaps of porn on the internet history.
At first, it really crushed my self esteem and self worth. Then, I realized that the problem wasn't me. It was him. I blew up. He countered the attack with calling me "crazy and psycho". Then as someone else mentioned, he just started hiding it better.
It turns out that I just wasn't his type. He was attracted to dark skinned, dark haired, thick girls. I'm blonde, petite, and athletic. I divorced him 18 months into our marriage. and am very glad for it.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Completelylost26 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 13 months, married for 3 months. He never wants to have sex with me, when we do its like he's doing me a favor... he is very affectionate and tells me how much I mean to him, and blames the lack on being tired... the problem that has me falling to pieces is there is porn all over the Internet history... I feel so unwanted and shattered that I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now... suggestions??


Sadly this not an isolated case. Porn and social media are really fouling up our lives in general.


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