# Separated. Wife pregnant. Another man?



## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

We are separated.
We have a ten month old together. 
She's pregnant with our last born. We wanted back to back. So kindly respect that in the comments and not ask why. 

She has an internet business and works from home. I work outside the home.

She's pregnant remember. So recently she had her sisters ex husband redo her bedroom... New flooring, paint, bathroom fixtures etc. He has a gas guzzling old pick up. So as he worked on the renovations she had him go home at the end of each days project with her car to save him on gas as he was doing it for a small fee. Makes sense.

Now project is over and she still has him keep her car. Most of the week. She's pregnant remember. 
So she has him pick her older son from after school activities 3 times a week and bring her take out from a Mexican joint she likes as he drops her son off and then takes the car back with him to his house. 

I'm aware she has to do what she has to do in her situation. 
I want reconciliation.
There was no infedility involved that caused the break up.
I' want to help her with things like getting her take out etc as I can't keep ordering Uber eats. I have done it though some times. 
I'm on short term disability from an illness and should be fully recovered in a month. However I'm staying with family and getting 60 percent of my income as short term disability. We have a joint acct. I out money in it and she asks before taking out any cash. I still have to pay rent at my house and other bills etc. So she will ask for money for out baby and I'll tell her to say take out 100 and use. She goes ahead and uses 260$ . Even $10 for Netflix etc.
When I politely ask her why she goes in a rampage how she held me down when I didn't have a job. How we are expecting a baby and it will be more expensive. 
That's after telling me she's in the red like 600 bucks. How sometimes they don't have food at the hse(her n older 2 kids who aren't mine). I don't argue. She held me down when I had nothing. I'm saying this to state that love knows no boundaries. I want the other kids to be able to eat too. 

My problem is she hates jealousy. Do I tell her I'm.uncomfortabke about this other guy doing so much for her or just shut up till I'm well and on my own at my house to tell her by actions and not words

Other question is love is action. How can she rely on me or rather want to get back with me if this other guy is doing errands for her, shopping, mowweeding her yard etc


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

Im thinking since I get to be allowed time from this rehab place I'm at for 2 hrs a day , I physical rehab not drugs, that I should take an Uber , go there n make her the food she craves and see her. Haven't seen her since Dec 10 when she visited me in hospital. Didn't bring my daughter to see me over Christmas. It's now a month


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You know, when the cat's away .......

You should Definitely take an Uber home for a visit, but make it a surprise visit. Don't let her, or him, know you'll be coming.

Christmas alone?? Damn that's cold.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

She has 2 older kids. By two other guys. One dad picked up his kid for Christmas. The other kids dad lives in same town as her mom. She drove that kid up to his dad and he spent Christmas with his dad as she spent Christmas with her mom. On the 27 the she drove back with her son.

I asked her to bring my daughter to see me on Christmas. She said no. So other kids got to see their dad's. 
I'm thinking she can't even come see me in hospital and now at my families place cause she doesn't have her car. The ex bro in law has it. And as a man it's bothering me. I want to go today and see her. Uber there. Make her the Mexican food she loves and is craving for. Cause to win sometimes you have to humble yourself.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Why did you separate?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's regrettable you're in this situation. Welcome to TAM. There is an abundance of good advice here.

The facts you're sharing appear to reflect that she doesn't care for you. 

Her actions show she's spending any open time and resources on not you sir but anyone else but you.

Facts show she's keeping you in kind of a third string or deeper position of resources for money and care.

It sure seems like she's already moved on emotionally and physically but will keep taking whatever money you'll give her as long as you'll give it to her. Her reasonings will get more and more outlandish until you one day have no choice but to accept the relationship has long, long been over.

Sounds cynical until one looks at all the info together. 

Best of luck sir.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

Thank you .

I'm not sure she's having anything physical with him . She's pregnant .

She's told me she's super exhausted. Handling a home with 3 kids. And another on the way . Limited finances.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Go home and stay there. Separation over. There is too much fishy stuff going on.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

As a woman I would say she's done with you. You are merely an ATM. You just can't see it yet. Sorry.

4 kids with 3 different guys tells me that unless there is a very good reason, she does not hold herself to relationships for long periods of time, perhaps unwilling to put in the work when tough times hit.

Sounds to me like she's working on her next conquest.

I understand that you still love her but honestly, the feeling is NOT mutual on her part. She wouldn't even give you visits with you daughter on Xmas while accommodating everyone else? That is COLD.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gmason said:


> She has 2 older kids. By two other guys. One dad picked up his kid for Christmas. The other kids dad lives in same town as her* mom. She drove that kid up to his dad and he spent Christmas with his dad as she spent Christmas with her mom*. On the 27 the she drove back with her son.
> 
> *I asked her to bring my daughter to see me on Christmas. She said no. So other kids got to see their dad's.
> I'm thinking she can't even come see me in hospital and now at my families place *cause she doesn't have her car. The ex bro in law has it. And as a man it's bothering me. I want to go today and see her. Uber there. Make her the Mexican food she loves and is craving for. Cause to win sometimes you have to humble yourself.


The fact that both of the above bolded items happened but no you, your child, or you/her visit is showing what's important to her.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

You are all right .

One of you mentioned I should go back home. 
Someone else said a new conquest.
What should I do


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Gmason said:


> You are all right .
> 
> One of you mentioned I should go back home.
> Someone else said a new conquest.
> What should I do


You will cry and maybe throw up a little. 

Then you will get your strength, self-worth and dignity back and consult a lawyer.

She just doesn't respect you. Not with time, money or attention.

Heal and just be the best person that you can be going forward. 

I have an ex- SIL like this. Some folks just never change. 

Protect yourself and those CHILDREN. You might want to save the texts/emails about not having enough food in the house. May work in your favour for custody. My brother had to do that unfortunately, but he got full custody. My nephew suffered physical ailments because of the lack of nutrition in her care. (anemia, ruined teeth etc)


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Get rid of her, your playing the pick me dance. Where's your self-respect?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You haven't addressed why you separated.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

She must be some hot stuff. Her version of polyandry.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

Thanks guys. Good responses here. And to the once giving encouragement I super thank you and the warm welcome too.

When I reflect back I see her total kindness. But when things we're bad I see nothing but the evil come out. She even prides herself by saying "I know I can be a total B****" or things like " I know I'm very hard to deal with".

She believes if she's upset she can take it out on a man like slap him and he is supposed to in her words " take it like a man". And she would yell her lungs out in arguments and when I would say I don't appreciate or want us to yell especially Infront of the kids she would say I'm trying to restrict her. That that is how she knows how to let go of her anger.

I have considered if she is boderline. 
The way she sees me as all bad now makes me tend to think she had BPD.
Her sister does have a mental issue and is confined sometimes and so did her late grandma. 
I love her and wish I could resolve issues. She has done a lot for me and I in part didn't live up to her expectations. She receives counsel from her girlfriends who I don't like. She even told me one of them had been urging her to get rid of me.

I'm receiving 60 percent pay as I'm sick. Short term disability. We have an acct I put money into. When she told me recently she needed some things I told her sure go ahead but kindly use that much not more. As I still have bills too.
I was yelled at about not being a man. Nickle and diming. How when she had she gave to me without question etc. I told her I'm not saying that cause I want to deny her things. I'm in essence saying use wisely. Eg get.diapers and wipes but don't exceed this amount and since next week I'm getting another check, then next time you can get more baby stuff etc. 
She then proceeds to use 150$ extra. I'm getting a separate account. 
I'll forever be reminded how when I was down she did for me. It's always thrown in my face. And all her family and friends are told that.
Her family even told me that that is her house and not mine. I refused the disrespectful insults and left.
She is now struggling financially and with the weight of 3 kids and a home. She's told me that. But she wants to carry on living apart. She's told me not to contact her again till I get better and back to work where I can be able to go over there and pick up the baby and give her some rest. I agree with that. She's frustrated. She's scared. She's pregnant. Etc. I'm not making excuses. In my view her friends do her no justice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many months pregnant is she?

She says that the house is hers? Did she buy it before you two got married? Or did the two of you buy it together?


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

Actually renting it 
I found her at the house. She had been there for less than a yr. My house burnt down and that's how I ended up moving with her.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

She's 3 months pregnant


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Gmason said:


> She's 3 months pregnant


Is the baby yours?


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

Yes


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Gmason said:


> Yes


I’d get a paternity test regardless of what you believe. Nope, you don’t bring it up or say anything now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Gmason said:


> She believes if she's upset she can take it out on a man like slap him and he is supposed to in her words " take it like a man". And she would yell her lungs out in arguments and when I would say I don't appreciate or want us to yell especially Infront of the kids she would say I'm trying to restrict her. That that is how she knows how to let go of her anger.
> 
> I have considered if she is boderline.
> 
> ...


Let me say something, this is controlling and abusive. I understand we as men are taught we can handle this, but it is absolutely not true. 

You need to tell us why you separated. 
Even if the separation is your fault, slapping you is not okay. 
Verbally abusing you is not okay. 
Allowing her family and friends to insult you is not okay.

Even if she has BPD, it is not okay.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The situation you are in is NOT healthy and you need to decide what is best for you. I would ask for a paternity test on the baby. What this woman is doing is not just hormonal reactions, this is abusive.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> The situation you are in is NOT healthy and you need to decide what is best for you. I would ask for a paternity test on the baby. What this woman is doing is not just hormonal reactions, this is abusive.


This is true. Many other pregnant woman do not slap other people.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Please do not accept excuses for her appalling behaviour being caused by hormones because she's pregnant. That's BS. Plenty of pregnant women all over the world don't hit other people. Plenty of women PMSing or having their period don't hit other people. Unacceptable.

Can you imagine the outrage (justified outrage) if a man accused of raping a woman said his hormones made him do it?


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

The hitting was before pregnancy but recently when we were arguing. 

She's always right. The lack of respect came about cause I was earning less and making strides with her effort to improve. Got a better job started making more, double what I was making but she said I never provided I contributed cause she bore most of the financial burden. In a few months I get another promotion and earn equal to what she does. This wasn't good enough. She said she doesn't want to see the process of me getting there she wants results. I asked how do I get there without a process. I've already doubled income. In 2 months I'll be making the same. That's not good enough. She doesn't want to see that process. Just results. 
I'd work 12 hr day's manual labor and be expected to come home take out trash and cook when her brother who's 27 didn't do anything. I was told other men work 2 jobs a day. Come home do chores. Go to kids games. Pick up kids and when they get home, are eagerly asking their women " what can I do to help around the house". Even though she works from home. 
I said this sounds impossible to me. Getting home at 8 pm to cook when 2 adults are home all day. 

Now the ex bro in law, her sisters ex hubby, who's a wonderful soul and still does for his ex wife even though she has a new man, is running errands for my wife. Fixing the house when she wanted renovations. Picking her up food when she asks, if he isn't working. She works from home. So she lets him keep her car so he can do things like pick up kids from after school activities for her. Bring her take out when he is free.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gmason said:


> Thanks guys. Good responses here. And to the once giving encouragement I super thank you and the warm welcome too.
> 
> When I reflect back I see her total kindness. But when things we're bad I see nothing but the evil come out. She even prides herself by saying "I know I can be a total B****" or things like " I know I'm very hard to deal with".
> 
> ...



You sound very young or immature, not sure which.
Why would you get involved with someone who has so many kids with different men, that was already a red red flag!
The fact she can scream and shout and hit you, is another red flag
She don't bother to bring your kid to see you, another red flag
you throwing yourself at her feet and looking for her attention, another red flag.
Man up for goodness sake. She doesn't love you the way you love her
Are you married? I hope note
Best thing you can do is get yourself fully recovered
Seek legal counsel to determine your rights as a father
Get yourself back to work and aim to support your kids and get access to them
Stop pining for her, she may have treated you well at one point but seems as soon as you left, she has forgotten you. YOu need to take back control. Go no contact and do the 180 on her
No ex brother in law will do all that work for nothing, you have every right to be suspicious


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Please do not accept excuses for her appalling behaviour being caused by hormones because she's pregnant. That's BS. Plenty of pregnant women all over the world don't hit other people. Plenty of women PMSing or having their period don't hit other people. Unacceptable.
> 
> *Can you imagine the outrage (justified outrage) if a man accused of raping a woman said that it was his hormones that made him do it?*


*If I were a sitting Judge, I'd simply salivate to hear that one in my courtroom! I'd gleefully throw his a$$ in jail then smilingly tell him that it was "my hormones that made me do it!"

The best remedy? Paternity(DNA) test both kids. If the results aren't 100% that they're both yours, then I'd be over in my family attorney's office in a heartbeat! 

Either she's crazier than a peach orchard sow, or you've been unceremoniously turned into her Plan B!*


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

My daughter looks like me 100 percent. Im Not worried about her cheating, she may have 10000000 issues but cheating I assure isn't one of them. And I mean that. I don't even hate her. 

What I shall do is the following.

Work on myself.
Provide for my daughter n the one yet to be born.
Do right by her cause karma is real. That doesn't mean I be a door mat. I'm sensible. I don't believe in repaying bad with bad. That doesn't mean I'll be a fool. I think you understand me. 
What I will not out up with is her manipulation. Her yelling. We either co parent amicably or we co parent amicably. 
One thing I know is, she will realize the dating scene out there isn't easy. Let's be honest. What man wants a woman with 4 kids. Two of whom are infants. Will such man come in and provide and love and be that man who just gives gives gives . I believe she will reflect and one day realize I'm not that bad. At such a time cause I do love her, we shall sit down and make ground rules for re uniting. If that's the case. What I shall not do is seek other women. I have my kids to worry about. 3 daughter's. They are my priority. I want them to come to my house and be the queen's of the house . Not another woman. Those are my principles. I will work hard and invest for my daughter's. They deserve that. Not another woman. 
I'm hurting and wish she could swallow her pride and all.
Her ex bro in law had tried making moves on her in the past before I met her. She was repulsed and took him to his wife, her sister, and had him say what he tried to do. That bro in law is now divorced from her sis though. But still doing for my wife and his ex wife. 
She's overwhelmed with 2 older kids and our 20 month old. A new baby comes July 5 th. I'll treat her good and kid for her sake and kids.sake. I don't believe in being an a hole. Not in me. Won't do it. That's also the example I want my daughter's to see. She will one day believe me realise that I'm.not all black as she has painted me . And this is what makes me.believe she is borderline


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Gmason said:


> One thing I know is, she will realize the dating scene out there isn't easy.


Oh ......... she KNOWS about the dating scene.

More than you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Gmason see a lawyer. File.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> At such a time cause I do love her,


What do you love about her? There must be something circumstantial about your attraction to her, like social proofing maybe or she reminds you of something you're fond of.....

You have not said anything positive about her.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

I like women who don't spend hrs outside. A homey woman. She's homey.
She's kind( when she was kind).

She did tell me one of her co workers wanted her to do away with me. That's cause she complains all day to her. She spends all day on phone with this woman.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Gmason said:


> My daughter looks like me 100 percent. Im Not worried about her cheating, she may have 10000000 issues but cheating I assure isn't one of them. And I mean that. I don't even hate her.


 said every guy who finds out he has been raising another man’s child. 



> What I shall do is the following.
> 
> Work on myself.
> Provide for my daughter n the one yet to be born.
> ...


Yeah, Karma.........

She has three babies by three different dads and you think she is going to realize the dating scene is hard?


Stop being so naive.


Work on you, for you. Not for Karma, not for your daughter and not for this woman, for YOU.


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## Gmason (Jan 15, 2020)

I appreciate all comments. Thank goodness I found this place . You are all good people


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Gmason said:


> One thing I know is, she will realize the dating scene out there isn't easy. Let's be honest. What man wants a woman with 4 kids. Two of whom are infants. Will such man come in and provide and love and be that man who just gives gives gives .


You may be deluding yourself. It’s not about what man wants a woman with the baggage you describe. It’s what man thinks he can take advantage of a woman like that by making her believe he’d willingly accept that baggage. Or convince her that she needs to mentally discard that baggage, which he’ll help her accomplish... in bed. 

Also, earlier you made repeated references to her being pregnant, assuming that’s like sunlight to a vampire. Where did you get that idea? Pregnant women can have raging hormones and seem to be another (sometimes very horny) woman than ever appeared before. Some (bad) guys know this and would have no issue taking advantage of it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> *She has three babies by three different dads and you think she is going to realize the dating scene is hard?*


*I'd reckon that about the only thing that she finds hard about the dating scene is her dates appendages!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Gmason said:


> I like women who don't spend hrs outside. A homey woman. She's homey.
> She's kind( when she was kind).
> 
> She did tell me one of her co workers wanted her to do away with me. That's cause she complains all day to her. She spends all day on phone with this woman.


 Sounds like you've got yourself a real *peach* of a woman, there. Adding in the fact that she's had 3 different baby daddies for all those kids and she kind of reminds me of a brood mare.

Why on EARTH you continue clinging to this dumpster fire of a so-called marriage is beyond me. There's got to be a payoff for you but I can't even BEGIN to imagine what it is. Sunk costs? Pure desperation? I give up.


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