# Help



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He's turned both kids against me. 

He continues to refuse to take any money from me (offered through the lawyer) so that he can tell the kids I've left them broke. Dd, 14, texted me recently saying I'm a selfish person and am going to give her dad another heart attack by not giving him any money. 

He won't respond to my lawyers letters other than to say dd doesn't want to see me. 

When dd was in hospital recently he had the nerve to tell me in front of her that he can't pay for the new furnace, and the furnace people were 'good friends with my father', who just passed away. The whole time knowing he's turned down the money that he could be using to be paying for the furnace and the property taxes that are 9 month overdue. 

I am so heartsick about the kids shunning me, and the fact that I can't seem to vindicate myself. Sometimes I think I should just give in and GO back. I am so alone and not getting any younger. He torments me and this is no life. I sit alone and cry at what has happened to me. 

There is no winning here.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

How old are the kids? Why are they with him?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Couple things going on here. In this particular post anyhow.

1.) Is there any court ordered payments? If so, make them. If not, then you have no obligation to pay. 

2.) Look up Parental Alienation. It's clearly happening, from this and other posts, and try to narrow down an effective way to document and use that information to get a better parenting schedule. 

As to the contact from DD14, I would suggest something along the lines of "That's a matter for your father and I to discuss."


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I had 50/50 custody, then her dad said she could get piercings, stay up all night, swear etc. Things she knew I would not tolerate. 
So she decided to stay in the family home full time with dad. 

I've been advised by several lawyers that as she is 15 this summer could get a court order for access, but it will not be enforced. And she does not want to visit me, despite many offers on my part. 

There are no court ordered payments as yet. He would not return my lawyers letters. 

If I don't pay what he wants he sets the kids on me, this is how he essentially alienated them when I left in July. It started right away, despite me paying son's college tuition and $2500 toward back to school expenses. 

If I go back I stop all the drama. But he has the kids so against me now, he's in the drivers seat.
And this is a man who had a 3 year PA and blamed it on stress, and I gave him another chance.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

This will probably be no a popular answer, but if there really isn't anything you can do, even legally, why not just stop contact? 

Engaging with the kids and him only keeps this drama cycle going. It is keeping you tied in a toxic relationship with him. 

Or are you looking into trying to get Parental Alienation charges against him?

Are you officially divorced? I just don't get ignoring a lawer - seems like there are other ways to force legal consequences. Time for a new lawyer?


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Sometimes I think I* should just give in and GO back*. I am so alone and not getting any younger. He torments me and this is no life. I sit alone and cry at what has happened to me.





indiecat said:


> *If I go back I stop all the drama*. But he has the kids so against me now, he's in the drivers seat.


Honest question: what makes you think that if you go back that any of his bad acts will stop? Do you think he will suddenly make nice? Do you think the kids will magically start being nice? I believe it would be quite the opposite, actually.

I agree with vi_bride. Your lawyer needs a kick in the a$$ - or to be kicked to the curb. As far as your kids go ... I know it sucks. W and I are going through problems with our adult son. I would hate to cut him, and our 3-yo granddaughter, from our lives but if he insists on acting like a jerk, it may happen.

Heartbreaking, but nearly so much as coughing up your soul to people who relish in breaking it. All you can do with kids is do your best and leave the rest to the uncertainties of life.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He is not in the drivers seat, you have allowed him to be in the drivers seat. If you have been in the legal system for 9 months now and no court orders as far as payments etc? Then why in the world would you give him money or offer it to him? 

You can have your attorney send letters every single day, he doesn’t have to answer them and wont. Your attorney has to force the situation into a court setting. When is your next hearing date?

Your one child is an adult and legally has no factor in the divorce proceedings. You aren’t going to win the short term battle with the 14 year old. They have all the freedom in the world at one house right now, you need to show that child that you don’t deserve or need to take the abuse from your spouse. As much as it hurts you need to show the strong face. If the kid texts anything about money, just say all your father has to do is answer the atty letter and the problems would have been solved. End discussion. You’re the adult here.

Your spouse complains, he manipulates, he is using the kids as weapons and your offering money to him…..why would your spouse change his game? Have your lawyer file to compel discovery, have him file for depositions. If the child complains there is no food or heat at dads house call child services and file complaint. You have options to force the situation, use them.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

There is no hearing date. I agree, the lawyer has to get more aggressive. 

Going back will not change the patterns, and we've seen half the MC in town. I can't seem to get it through my head that he can say he loves me, and wants me back, and we need to be united for the kids sake, but do these things to me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

indiecat said:


> There is no hearing date. I agree, the lawyer has to get more aggressive.
> 
> Going back will not change the patterns, and we've seen half the MC in town. I can't seem to get it through my head that he can say he loves me, and wants me back, and we need to be united for the kids sake, but do these things to me.


Then its not MC you need, but IC.
You know the reality of your situation and you are refusing to accept it.
Keep all communication with him and put it in a box. One day, the kids will try to contact you, when they are ready. You will have the truth ready for them. Until then, either force a court date, or accept reality. There are no other options.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Indie--do you have a custody agreement via the courts? 

if not, GET ONE.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You must have a hearing date, you cant be filed for divorce and not have either pretrial conferences or actual court hearing dates scheduled. The courts dont work that way.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

My lawyer said he can't proceed until the separation date is confirmed by the other side. He has told his lawyer to get his financial statements completed. 

I was told not to waste 20 k on trying to get a custody evaluation for a child who will be 15 this summer. Believe me, I agonized over it, but was told that trying to force a teenager is going to backfired against me.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

your attorney should then file a motion to compel discovery which would force to produce documents by a certain date or faces contempt charges by the court. You can also file for a motion for deposition which will force your spouse to give testimony as far as separartion date etc. 

Once the court issues those they give give deadlines when the information has to be in the courts hands, generally within a month or face contempt. You keep waiting for him to do something, start forcing him to.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, I'll tell my lawyer to do this. I have no experience and this lawyer is no help.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Thanks, I'll tell my lawyer to do this. I have no experience and *this lawyer is no help*.



You need a different lawyer.

Also, following up on what someone else touched on:

If you are only doing MC, you are missing out on the most important part. IC would be about you, and what you can do to cope and fix whatever is causing you confusion or holding yourself back from the better life you deserve.

MC, without IC to help you keep clear about what your needs are, seems risky. Especially when I hear you saying things like you are thinking about "going back" just to make the drama stop. I haven't read your story, but, from here that seems like an inherently flawed solution!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It is flawed. MC was a flop, he used it against me, especially Christian MC, it gave him a new weapon, that I was a bad Christian because I didn't 'follow the principles of reconciliation and forgiveness'. 

If I just didn't miss the kids so much this would be bearable.


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