# How do I overcome fear for hubby



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I need all the help & advise I can possibly get.

I have come to realise that I have been in an abusive relationship and I have decided that I want divorce and that's in progress , however for some reason I go on panic mode when I see an email, or receive a call from my soon to be ex husband.
even when he calls me wanting to say something to me I panic.

I don't know how to deal with this or overcome it.. I need all the help


----------



## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Cut all contact. Tell him he can contact you through your lawyer. Get a restraining order if you think you need to. Get a new cell phone # or home phone #. Create a new email address. Change the locks at the house if necessary.

To be honest, if you think he's capable of coming after you, then I say purchase a pistol small enough you can carry with you at all times and go get training on using it in a crisis situation. If you're philosophically opposed to arming yourself then at very least purchase a taser or pepper spray.

Don't leave yourself defenseless. Remember, when seconds count the police are minutes away.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What kind of abusive relationship. If physical have you made police reports?


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

He emotionally abusive and during the last few months before I decided I wanted to divorce, he dragged me on the floor to get me out of the house and he got angry one night and started hitting things.

my therapist keeps telling me to depend on the law and that's really not helping me cause I will be panicking the whole time while staying in the same house with him.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I know what you are going through Wifey and I know it's not easy. 

If I could wave a magic wand to remove your fear I would but I'm afraid the fear you mention is normal and most likely will subside only with time. 

I agree that it's time to call on all the support you can. Including on here. 

I suggest that more information on abuse is powerful. While each case is different and you know what is best in your case, learning more about the phenomenon, how common it is an how others dealt with it is very useful. You are not alone in your struggle.

If you want you can look at the short series of videos I did on the topic and also read Lundy Bancroft's excellent book. Links below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaJqMRrGd4g&list=PLS19H2_I0ANmWbpTTMCx_Q3ol_XDdCPzu

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgMuxpKIB0


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel. 

Yes, I am a man. I outweigh my XW by about 75 lbs. 

Yet, anytime I hear the audible alert my gmail account makes when I get an email I tense up. Doesn't matter who the email is from. Doesn't matter that there's nothing going on between us. Doesn't matter that it's been a year and a half since the divorce. It still triggers me. 

That email account is what she used to tear me down. It was her medium for spewing the most vile, hateful things I've ever heard. 

I just recognize the feeling and tell myself there's nothing to fear (and laugh at myself a little).

Granted, you're still in the same house. You just need to focus on getting away from him. Only then can you start to heal.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With incidents of prior abuse, your lawyer should have already filed a "peace bond" through your court of jurisdiction ~ which largely means that if your H is found to have come within so many feet of you at any time, either knowingly or unknowingly, that he would be summarily hauled off to jail with absolutely no questions asked!*


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WifeyRes said:


> I go on panic mode when I see an email, or receive a call from my soon to be ex husband.
> even when he calls me wanting to say something to me I panic.





WifeyRes said:


> He emotionally abusive and during the last few months before I decided I wanted to divorce, he dragged me on the floor to get me out of the house and he got angry one night and started hitting things.
> 
> my therapist keeps telling me to depend on the law and that's really not helping me cause I will be panicking the whole time while staying in the same house with him.


I'm confused. :scratchhead: You said that you go into a panic when he emails or calls you. But you are living in the same house?????

Why are you still in the same house? And don't you see him when you are there?


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

RDL said:


> I know what you are going through Wifey and I know it's not easy.
> 
> If I could wave a magic wand to remove your fear I would but I'm afraid the fear you mention is normal and most likely will subside only with time.
> 
> ...


Will do definitely, Thank you


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel.
> 
> Yes, I am a man. I outweigh my XW by about 75 lbs.
> 
> ...


I'm trying to focus on getting away from him and the divorce is just taking too long to process and apparently I cannot move out until it's final.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *With incidents of prior abuse, your lawyer should have already filed a "peace bond" through your court of jurisdiction ~ which largely means that if your H is found to have come within so many feet of you at any time, either knowingly or unknowingly, that he would be summarily hauled off to jail with absolutely no questions asked!*


I spoke to the lawyer about this and I was advised that I can only move out if I make an agreement with my soon to be ex then I can move other than that I have to wait until it's final cause if I take out items from the house he can come back and say that I stole them which will reflect negatively against me. and just thinking about making that agreement I can't even interact with him cause I'm so scared of him.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused. :scratchhead: You said that you go into a panic when he emails or calls you. But you are living in the same house?????
> 
> Why are you still in the same house? And don't you see him when you are there?


so this is my life when he gets up in the morning , I pretend to be sleeping cause I fear interacting with him and I do not want him to even try talking to me, as soon as he leaves for work, then I wake up and prepare with our daughter. When I return from work I pick up our daughter go to my family stay have dinner go back home late and go straight to sleep when he gets home I will pretend to not hear at thing so he doesn't talk to me.

Even if we stay in the same house I used to have this fear even years ago and I couldn't understand even when he calls my name to ask something I'm already panicking. or when he asks to speak to me it doesn't matter what he says I just panic.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

RDL said:


> I know what you are going through Wifey and I know it's not easy.
> 
> If I could wave a magic wand to remove your fear I would but I'm afraid the fear you mention is normal and most likely will subside only with time.
> 
> ...


The first video cannot be found but managed to load the second one "The Best author I yet found dealing with abuse".


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> I spoke to the lawyer about this and I was advised that I can only move out if I make an agreement with my soon to be ex then I can move other than that I have to wait until it's final cause if I take out items from the house he can come back and say that I stole them which will reflect negatively against me. and just thinking about making that agreement I can't even interact with him cause I'm so scared of him.



If you are at risk who cares what the lawyer says. 

Just take personal belongings and get out. 

Your safety comes first.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What your lawyer is speaking of is joint or disputed property. So yes you can't empy out the house of all property like tv's, crouches, tables and so on. That all gets left up to the divorce decree.

What you can take is your personal stuff, Clothes, makeup, hygiene, your vehicle if you have one. 

Ma'am it seems like your lawyer isn't explaining things very clearly to you. May I suggest you get a new one that will work with you better.

You need to get the kiddo and go to your families place and stay there. Make a call to police if he starts to threaten after that.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> What your lawyer is speaking of is joint or disputed property. So yes you can't empy out the house of all property like tv's, crouches, tables and so on. That all gets left up to the divorce decree.
> 
> What you can take is your personal stuff, Clothes, makeup, hygiene, your vehicle if you have one.
> 
> ...


I can possibly do that the only thing is his mother will move in and mess things up in the house cause she never worked for them like she did taking out items from the house when I wasn't around, his son let him in the house to take whatever she wanted.

STBE is taking the house and I'm taking contents and already his mom took stuff from those contents if I move out by the time the divorce is final I would have lost everything.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> I can possibly do that the only thing is his mother will move in and mess things up in the house cause she never worked for them like she did taking out items from the house when I wasn't around, his son let him in the house to take whatever she wanted.
> 
> STBE is taking the house and I'm taking contents and already his mom took stuff from those contents if I move out by the time the divorce is final I would have lost everything.


Ok again your lawyer is failing you here. This is very simple. Get a video camera, a regular camera is ok but video is faster. Video everything in the house quickly, it's condition, and possible serial numbers. Keep that tape with you as proof of what was in the house the day you left and the condition that it was in.

Not going to lie to you....you aren't going to get everything you want in the divorce. No one really does. Some things you'll get and others you'll just have to be paid out for. But this will establish a base line of what you are 1/2 entitied to in terms of furniture or compensation for it.

Unless it's high end stuff in pristine condition you may be better off letting them get rid of it and you getting a settlement check to buy all new things  just a thought


----------



## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

Are the things in the house really worth your peace of mind and sanity? Think about it.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Shiksagoddess said:


> Are the things in the house really worth your peace of mind and sanity? Think about it.


:iagree:

This, this, this, & this again! Material items can be easily replaced over time. I have found that people tend to place way more value on material items than what they are really worth. In the grand scheme of things, your sanity is way more important than a TV. I would rather sleep on the floor of my *own* apartment than to live on eggshells the way you are now.

If he's keeping the house, I would've moved out to my own (empty) apartment a long time ago.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes - everyone is right. Video is a great idea and then move. You are scared all of the time because you live with him. 

But consider this too, from an emotional intelligence perspective. You can feel fear, notice it, and then let it go. When he texts, you see it and then panic, say to yourself "I'm panicking," and then take three big belly breaths.

You can learn to defend yourself physically and having those kinds of skills may give you the confidence and trust in yourself that you won't let him treat you like that again. A good, swift kick to the balls seems like it would be a good deterrent. 

But that's part of this - not trusting yourself to defend yourself. Right? Do what you need to do to trust yourself to be your own protection.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

JustTired said:


> Shiksagoddess said:
> 
> 
> > Are the things in the house really worth your peace of mind and sanity? Think about it.
> ...


I understand where everyone is coming from , I wouldn't expect my daughter to be comfortable in an empty house that she is not even familiar with. With all her stuff left behind. 

I did manage to move out in agreement took the house contents n we are very comfortable in our new home with my daughter. Thank you all for your advise.


----------

