# The continuing donward spiral



## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. Every day seems to be a struggle with my emotions. I do good for a few days and then I completely lose it. How am I suppose to take the love that I have for her and erase it from my memory. How do I live with the fact that I don't get to kiss my kids goodnight or tell them that I love them every day? My family means everything to me. All I ever wanted since I was a kid was to have the family that I didn't have when I was young. Knowing that at some point my wife will be in the arms of another man and my kids will have someone else in their lives every day as a father figure kills me inside. I've spent over a third of my life with her and it is all being thrown away. All of the hopes and dreams I had for my future are gone. Who will protect her and my kids, all of the things I was suppose to do. I have failed my family as a husband and father and the pain on most days is unbearable. All I wish for is my family back who means the world to me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She had an EA and you lost the kids? How did that happen? 

You need to go to counseling for help on this current issue.

From what I've read in some of your other posts, you had an anger problem, and she dealt with it by seeking the attention of other men who didn't.

Two wrongs don't make a right. 

Try to get with her at a public place and talk. See if there is a chance to get back together. Sitting and typing in this forum is not where you should be. Ask to see her and your kids at a fun place somewhere like a arcade or something. Stay in contact with her.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I have been going to counseling weekly. I've tried numerous times to do things with her and the kids. She always has an excuse as to why she can't attend. I see my kids every other weekend now that I moved out. I make the best of those times but saying goodbye and watching them cry and beg me to come home kills me. She repeatedly has told me that her and the kids lives are better now. All of the issues in our marriage were my doing according to her. She has noticed the changes I have made but her comment is too little to late. She regrets having kids with me and everything we have done in the past 11 years. I have no one to talk to. I gave up everything in my life to start a family with her. All I have now is an empty rental house that I struggle to pay for every month. Doesn't it take 2 people to make a marriage work? Her latest statement is that I am to blame for her EA because I gave the got her # to do the work on our new house. I am completly at a loss with it all.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stay in counseling. It will help in time. She is blameshifting her affair onto you. That's crap! That was her decision to make, not yours.

Keep coming here to post and talk. I do it for the same reason - absolutely no one else to talk to.

Keep trying to talk to her in normal every day communication style. It will help you and her. Continue to be a proud and happy father around your kids. Show her who you are now. Let her see.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I am going to continue counseling. I have learned a lot about myself and how to deal with things in a more positive way. It's helping but the pain of my loss has yet to subside.

I quit coming here hoping that I could deal with this on my own which hasn't worked. I need somewhere to vent instead of sending her my pathetic pleas for sympathy. She walked away from our family, not me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I quit coming here for a few days as well. And I was right back as soon as I felt weak. Stop pleading with her. That's only hurting you more. Just act normal with her. Yes, easier said than done.

The pain will subside over time. There is no quick cure for any emotional pain. All you can do now is help yourself the best you can.

One day at a time.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

At what point does the pain subside? Doesnt she understand what she is doing to her family?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am sorry for you pain. I think the vast majority of those of us coming to this site are dealing with the pain of partners who have abandoned us.

Hang in there, be as strong as you can and read up on the 180.

Peace!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

To quote a reliable source, when my STBEW finally told me last night she wanted a divorce and she has been having an affair, I told her I will take 50% blame for the divorce, but you can have 100% blame for the affair. She left after that statement....good riddance! 

What you do is your bag of crap, and what she does is hers. Keep focusing on yourself, start a new hobby, exercise you ass off, hook up with old friends (no affairs please!).

180 is the way.....she will either get her chit together or she won't...you have NO CONTROL! It's her bag! Feel your pain, embrace it, learn from it, and leave it. 

Spend quality time with your kids...don't question them...they are not the shock absorbers between you and your wife.

Mine said she wants a divorce...I'm gonna make her file it! Again, her bag!

Sorry to be so tough, but 90 days in, either she is gonna work it or not. 

God Bless and one day at a time!!


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Sounds like she has all the paperwork ready, just needs my signature. The hatred continues to spew from her mouth. "I'm afraid of change, I never loved her, I am afraid of losing my lifestyle she has provided". The saddest part is that I still truly love her and wish there was a way for her to be happy. She isn't happy with herself. As I dropped the kids off, they clung to my leg in tears asking her to give Daddy another chance. She wonders why I haven't smilled in a long time.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

I feel your pain! I come here for the same reasons. I talk to lots of family and friends about it, but there's a certain comfort in the anonymity of the message board here, and talking/interacting with lots of other people going through some of the same things I am. 

Keep coming here and talking. I feel better and better every single day and feel much better after talking about the situation. I was abandoned by my wife as well, but I'd say that 90% of it was my own actions, and that's not me just blaming myself, just the facts of my story/situation. There were no affairs that caused this, which seems to be the issue in many of the relationships I read about on here, just my own stupidity and stubborn nature.

Others are right. The 180 is the way! I've been doing it a week and I've already seen changes in my wife, and seen drastic changes in myself and my ability to deal with the hurt/pain. It will only make things better for you, and make your outlook on life more positive, which in turn can do wonders to your wife and her state of mind. I will say, don't use it to get your wife to come back, though. It's not meant to be used that way. Use it to improve your own life, and improve your own state of mind, and if your wife comes back, then great, and if she doesn't then you'll be better prepared to handle that and move on to bigger and better things! Good luck! Praying for you!


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

She gave me the paperwork last night, said I needed to sign and have it notarized. I corrected the mistakes for her and explained that she has to sign it, not me and take it to the court to start the process. The child support for 3 kids still in daycare is going to be fun. She then let me know that she loves me and cares about me. 

Tonight she asked if I could watch the kids fir a few hours while she works. Of cource I agree. She finally comes home and I give her the revised paperwork she needs to file. The first words out of her mouth are " Just so you know, there isn't anyone else" this seemed a little odd to me. I told her that I understood that our marriage needs to end and that life will go on. She agreed that the whole thing " sucks". Did I push her too far by insisting that if she wants it to end than she can file? Part of me thinks that if she is willing to get everything together to file than that should be my final straw. The 180 finally starts for me tonight. Not to save my marriage but for me to instill some sort of testicular fortitude back to my own self worth.


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