# Is discussing child custody with STBXW bad?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My STBXW wants to discuss child custody issues and wants me to send her a document stating what I would like. We tried this back in January, and she scoffed at my proposal. I felt it was pretty "fair" and standard procedure as to what the courts would typically award here in Texas. In other words, I skipped the BS and fairly close to the middle (50/50).
But now I'm hesitant to send her anything else. I'm concerned she could use this new document I would send her against me. Is there a way of protecting myself? Am I worrying about nothing? I know we'll be doing mediation soon, so it could be discussed then. But if we could hammer out the child custody now before mediation/court, it would save a lot of headache and $$. What should I do? She wants to discuss this tonight!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Here's my proposal. Let me know if it sounds fair.
STBXW left me and the kids back in June. She suffers from depression, anxiety, and a sever bout of guilt from her affair. Ok. The last one is just my opinion. lol
Here goes:
We have joint custody, but I have primary. They live with me and go to school. They have family on both sides here too. 
We would flip the big holidays every year. Ex: I get Thanksgiving odd years. I get first 1/2 of X-mas even years.
She gets kids Spring Break.
She can visit the kids during their birthdays.
She gets them summer for 42 days as by Texas law. However, I would like to have the kids for a week in the middle of the summer. I will pay for their flights for that one week. 
STBXW will pay for their travel. She bailed on us to " find herself"and refuses to move back home closer. She just recently found a job, so I don't see this happening. It's a shame for my kids really.
Child support is 25% which is standard in Texas.
She pays for 1/2 of medical.
I wish she could help pay for 1/2 their college fund, but I doubt she'll do it and I doubt a judge will award me that.
Her argument is that since I work for the school district summers would be better for me. So she should get primary custody of the kids. But I'm not bailing on my kids. I am their father and will raise them as best I can. To give them away because I get summers off is ridiculous.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

That sounds extremely fair to me. Have you thought about doing a 25/75 split? So, you could have the kids 75% of the time? Given her mental state and that fact that she abdandoned her family. Is she giving you any child support right now? If not, would this qualify as desertion? Do you have laws about desertion in Texas? 

Whatever you do, do not sign anything. 

I am so sorry for you and your kids. That is so sad.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

jpr said:


> That sounds extremely fair to me. Have you thought about doing a 25/75 split? So, you could have the kids 75% of the time? Given her mental state and that fact that she abdandoned her family. Is she giving you any child support right now? If not, would this qualify as desertion? Do you have laws about desertion in Texas?
> 
> Whatever you do, do not sign anything.
> 
> I am so sorry for you and your kids. That is so sad.


I was told to write 'without prejudice' on any written negotiations as it's not binding. Check with your lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

houstondad, she's going to somewhere down the line get primary custody of your kids and your going to be paying her,she's already talking about it. she knows exactly what buttons of yours to push. completely stop any conversing with her. let your lawyer do the the talking...she dumped you and your children, why are you always bending over to her?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

67flh said:


> houstondad, she's going to somewhere down the line get primary custody of your kids and your going to be paying her,she's already talking about it. she knows exactly what buttons of yours to push. completely stop any conversing with her. let your lawyer do the the talking...she dumped you and your children, why are you always bending over to her?


Are you suggesting that I would bend over and hand over the kids because I would let her convince me of such a thing? Or is there something I don't know about that would award custody to her that I'm missing here?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Last night, we discussed when the kids would see her (summer, holidays odd or even, spring break, mother's day, and I even offered the long weekends when we have Fridays or Mondays off too.). She told me if I knew how many days that would be compared to how many I have them for. I knew there was a big gap, and she proceeded to tell me the exact numbers. I just wish she would understand that the gap will continue to be large as long as she continues tostand by her decision to live thousands of miles away.
She also started adding up the cost of airfare and child support and is realizing it's gonna cost way too much. She wants to negotiate the child support and I need to discuss this with my attorney because I'm worried if I accept an offer that ends up hurting me and the kids financially, it's a mistake I'll have to live with. I told her I felt the state of Texas has a pretty set number of 25% for 2 kids, but she said we don't have to follow that. She also asked if I would consider paying 1/2 the kids airfare and I said no.
I don't mind her coming down to visit as it would cut many of her costs in half. She has family in the same town I live in. 
Bottom line is, I understand where she's coming from in regards to rarely seeing the kids and the cost of airfare. But I would have never moved thousands of miles away from my kids like she did. 
She moved away for all the wrong reasons in my opinion. She had a job with the school district down here that she quit. She left in June and it was supposed to be temporary. Came back in late August and said she living there permanently.

She didn't start looking for work until September and finally found a job in December. These were her choices, not her employer.

She also said that when my 10D gets old enough, that if she says she wants to live with mommy, she'll bring the issue to court. I was a little upset that she discussed the possibility with my daughter that she could choose where to live. At that age, it's a lot of pressure to choose between two people you love very much. Talk about guilt. I told my daughter after finding out this was discussed between her mother and her, that the decision to decide where she lives is between mommy and daddy so she would not have to make such a tough decision.
Anyways, I'm starting to just vent so I'll stop. She still has asked I send her a document about child custody. That she's being flexible about all this and I'm not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

stop trying to get a fair bargain from the devil.

your wife is selfish and nasty - she also has got you wrapped around her finger - get yourself out of the loop and have a shark lawyer do the talking for you.

yes it will cost $$, but your wife is going to end up taking your kids away if you keep doing it yourself.

she cheated,she abandoned you, she is mocking and humiliating you by faulting the new OM and having the kids stay over at his place while she sleeps with him.

and you are still trying to find the good in her. - sir- it isn't there.

get your lawyer to do all the talking for you - so you won't get screwed over by her.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HD, If the status quo is close to what you want then I see no reason to ammend things formally without having a shrewd lawyer in your corner to advise you. I wouldn't even attempt mediation if I were you, they will simply try to negotiate this "to be more fair" (ie in her favor since in majority of times a woman has atleast equal access to her kids). Take it straight to court and make no concessions, until AFTER the judge has awarded you what you want.

I would make sure to document everything you have done since she left, your parenting schedule, expenses etc so if it comes to a fight you have something to bring to court showing what the status quo has been since she left. Considering how she left and abandoned her children there is nothing unreasonable about what you are seeking, in fact it is more than generous. She screwed up her own life and any concessions you make to her on paper can only serve to let her off the hook at your own peril and do your children benefit at all from that? There is no need to give her a letter of intent but if you do I would make sure that it doesn't give away any of the things you earned by stepping up when she left.

She may be making legal threats but I doubt she has any teeth or clout to back it up, so don't give her any by offering up any kind of letter. It is perilous for you to mediate this with her before formal mediation, the child custody has already essentially been "hammered out" by her leaving them with you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Are you suggesting that I would bend over and hand over the kids because I would let her convince me of such a thing? Or is there something I don't know about that would award custody to her that I'm missing here?


Do you know how the child custody laws work? Do you know all of the loopholes? What if you sent something you thought, from common sense, that will not matter in court in your mind and it turns out you just gave up custody of your kids?

Everything goes through your lawyer, everything! Send nothing to her without your lawyer 1st looking at it.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

My STBX and I have been attending co-parenting counseling to discuss the issues of custody. It has been helpful, because our counselor is very knowledgable about the child custody laws in our state.

...plus, it is much cheaper than having our lawyers hash it out. (it is $40 a session compared to $250/hour x 2 for lawyers).


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

houstondad, you are going to have to get your head outta your azz,or you ARE going to loose your kids..your wife has you doing all kinds of crazy **** now... hardly no child support, pay hakf airfare, etc..what is it going to take for you to wake the F-UP and quit playing high school drama games, and attack this pos ex of yours? god man, you're seriously going to lose them


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Go to mediation. It all sounds so rigid, and nowhere in there do the kids have any voice nor is there any flexibility. The other thing is that she just assumes that it's logical for you to use 100% of your free time off to take care of the kids. She knows of course that if she has the kids in the summer she will have to have day care for them, summer day care is very expensive. Of course, it's more fun, too! Camps and stuff. But if you want her to have the kids for the summer, you need to stipulate that they are not, say, to be left here and there but should be provided with wholesome activities that fit their interests, with proper supervision. It could be a town playground program or a Y program or whatever, but the way you're framing it is kind of shortsighted, even if she accepts your proposal the kids aren't really protected from a summer of living with her 'probable reality'. 
I suggest you hire or ask for a guardian ad litem and home studies and some mental fitness tests. The issue being, that if she has some incompetences as to mental illness, they will need to be accommodated. Maybe she will need extra money for a helper or for child care while she's in therapy, or will have to check in with a social worker once a week WITH the kids when they are with her. In that case, she would get a deduction off of her support. You need to get outside of what everyone else does and focus on what's specific to your situation. This is where a GAL is gifted. They can make recommendations and write in flexibility and guidelines that are more proactive and don't have to be re-heard in a court of law in order to be changed. They are written in the 'spirit' of parenting and support, not a checklist or a rule book. It is worth the extra money to pay these kind of professionals. Much easier than going back to court to get things changed, or worse, having to go to another state to get your kids because they call when they've been left home alone - again - and one of them is sick and they're not sure where exactly mom is.
:-(
I don't mean to sound dire, I just think that this is beyond you. And you can tell her that AND be honest about it!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For first time ever I think I disagree with HNU, this isn't way beyond you Houston Dad, yes it about your kids but their mother proved that she lacks the maturity and skills to be responsible for them on mutual terms. I have never gotten the sense from you you don't want her in their lives, just as a responsible father you have to reserve the right to step in at any moment and be the protector, giving away your power through mediation is not in the best interests of your kids. Worst case, mediation and concessions are your fallback option, but I think it is better to not let your ex dictate your time management using the terms of child custody as a shedgehammer. If judgement doesn't go as much in your favor as you want then hopefully (because you will have fought for it) at the most this will be "bargained" down to having to work out custody arrangement that still has you as the primary - her arguement that she should have primary custody because you have summers off is unreasonable, however if summers are too difficult for her then maybe it simply means treating the summer just as the rest of the year, sure it may be an extra flight or two but which is her hangup, time or money?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I spoke with my attorney today before sending my STBXW my child custody plan. He said we should stick with the standard visitation by the state of Texas. The only thing different from the standard and my plan was that my STBXW is not only liable for 1/2 the medical, but 1/2 the health insurance for the kids too. The other thing is paying towards their college fund/savings. I don't think it's separate from the standard child support.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh, and I haven't sent my plan to her yet.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

College tuition can not be mandated by the TX court but can be put into the Child Support agreement. Parents are not required to fund schooling in TX. It needs to be in addition to the child support amt the state requires.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Curious, what is "standard visitation" every other weekend?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

TEXAS
Basically, the standard visitation order contains the following details, for parents that live less than one hundred miles apart (§ 153.312):

The managing conservator (primary custodian) shall have possession of the child at all times except when the possessory conservator has access to the child.
The possessory conservator shall have the child the first, third, and fifth weekends of every month, beginning at 6 p.m. on Friday and ending at 6 p.m. on Sunday.
If the weekend that the possessory conservator has the child is extended due to a school holiday, the duration of the visit shall be extended by the time that school is out.
The possessory conservator shall have the child every Thursday (during the school year), from 6 p.m. until 8 p.m.
The possessory conservator shall have the child for the entire Spring Break vacation in even years, and the managing conservator shall have the child during Spring Break in odd years.
The possessory conservator shall have the child for thirty days during summer vacation. The dates of the visit and the managing conservator having any visitation during that time are dependent on advance notice given by both parties.
The holiday schedule supersedes the possession and access schedule.
The parents generally alternate the various holidays in even and odd years, but the parent not regularly schedule for access to the child on the child's birthday shall be able to have the child from 6 p.m. until 8 p.m. on that day.

Texas Custody & Visitation Schedules: Samples & Standards (TX)


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