# Need help!



## Twinsman (Oct 16, 2015)

This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short. My wife and I have been married 2 years, and about a month ago I found out she was thinking about divorce, just didn't know how to tell me. She said she's not attracted to me anymore, so I've just been giving her space, and working on myself. My question is should I keep giving her space, or show her that I can be more dominant when it comes to initiating sex. She's always said she's not very sexual, but was when we first got together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Twinsman said:


> This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short.


Thanks, but you kept it too short . We need more information.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when have did you notice a change in her feeling towards you (when did it start to go down hill)....how long have you been married, age, kids....all of this can help in understanding the situation


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Short answer: divorce her. It is probably for the best.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

not attracted to you anymore? 

have you changed (gained weight, stopped showering, changed careers,etc) in the last two years?

how did you find out if she didn't tell you?

how long were you dating before getting married?

have you ruled out that there is someone else involved?


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## Twinsman (Oct 16, 2015)

Sorry, guess I kept it too short. I noticed a change about a year ago, after we had our first child. I have gotten in better shape the last couple years as I've been working out. I have ruled out that there's anyone else that she's with. I found out from a friend that had heard it from a mutual friend of theirs. Recently she has lost a lot of weight and is looking great now. It just seems she wants nothing to do with me. We have been together 5 years and are in our late 20's. I'm just worried I've been too much of a "nice guy" and that's why she's lost attraction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

in my opinion, 'not attracted to you anymore' in and of itself is not cause for divorce.

the usual vows such as 'for better or for worse.........' do not include the clause 'until you are no longer attractive'.

now, not everyone says these words, but i think the seriousness of marriage at least implies it.

I believe a good councilor could help restore some of the 'blahs' that come after being with each other for a long time.

there's probably other stuff going on with her that made her blurt this out.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Twinsman said:


> Recently she has lost a lot of weight and is looking great now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to guess that when you two met she had a bad body image and felt "lucky" to have "caught" a guy. At that time she could overlook the fact that you two weren't really compatible.

Fast forward and now she's slimmer and good looking and realize "I can get anyone" and doesn't have to put up with the shortcomings between the two of you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Twinsman said:


> ...after we had our first child.
> 
> ...I have gotten in better shape the last couple years as I've been working out.
> 
> ...


First I hope that you have read Glover's book no more mr Nice Guy.

You say you are working out more and have a 1 year old. Great. As part of your Get a Life program do things to enrich your one year old's life (stroller jogging, maybe baby swim class, etc.). If she sees you as a great father, it may help.

As to her loosing weight and getting better looking, well that is probably her decision to improve herself for the next man in her life, while avoiding telling you its over.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to a divorce attorney in private without her knowing, just so you can understand what might happen and some of the things you should consider, if she truly wants to file for divorce. 

I would also suggest you tell her that you love her, are sorry if you hurt her, your love your child, and that you want to make your marriage work. I would also suggest professional marriage counselor as it will be a lot less expensive that divorce attorneys. 

I hope you are in time to get things back together. Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She is probably missing those butterflies in her stomach she used to get with you and now she is reading a bunch of romance novels and she's pissed off that she is not getting that anymore. 

Now that she is all grown up and is starting to learn what real life is like and being responsible to raise a kid, this is what you will need to do to help her get that "butterflies in her stomach" feeling back again...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iuv__-nyO1M


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Twinsman said:


> Sorry, guess I kept it too short. I noticed a change about a year ago, after we had our first child. I have gotten in better shape the last couple years as I've been working out. *I have ruled out that there's anyone else that she's with.* I found out from a friend that had heard it from a mutual friend of theirs. Recently she has lost a lot of weight and is looking great now. It just seems she wants nothing to do with me. We have been together 5 years and are in our late 20's. I'm just worried I've been too much of a "nice guy" and that's why she's lost attraction.


You might be surprised.


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## Twinsman (Oct 16, 2015)

From talks that we've had, badsanta, I think you hit the nail right on the head... Any advice?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Twinsman said:


> This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short. My wife and I have been married 2 years, and about a month ago I found out she was thinking about divorce, just didn't know how to tell me. She said she's not attracted to me anymore, so I've just been giving her space, and working on myself. My question is should I keep giving her space, or show her that I can be more dominant when it comes to initiating sex. She's always said she's not very sexual, but was when we first got together.


I'm pretty sure that the LAST thing a woman who is not attracted to a man needs is more pressure from that guy to have sex. Be more dominant in other ways, exude confidence and work on attractiveness that way. There may be things you are doing that make you seem unattractive that have nothing to do with your physical appearance. And don't stop making her aware of her attractiveness to you - just don't make her feel that sex with you is just another chore on her list.

Also, it's natural for for a relationship to pass from limerence to deeper love as time passes, usually a couple of years into the relationship. It can take work to keep the lust alive. If she doesn't realize that, she may just think that the fading of raw lust means something more than it does.

Lastly, a woman realizing she's not attracted to her husband anymore is a warning sign of her being attracted to a new guy and running comparisons. If she's feeling lust for a new guy and not feeling it for you, if she doesn't realize it's natural for limerence to fade in a long-term relationship, she may interpret it as no longer being 'in love.' I'm not saying she's having an affair, but there may well be a guy out there who's triggering that lust that you cannot anymore as you are reliable and familiar.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Twinsman said:


> I have ruled out that there's anyone else that she's with. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd rule it back in. She may not be cheating, but she sure is following a cheater's script. Huge red flags there buddy.

Very unusual for a woman to just up and be ready to leave after 2 years marriage if there's not someone else waiting in the wings. That is, assuming you're not being a total jerk to her.

No pressure for sex. Improve yourself, continuously. Be happy. Get a hobby outside of the home. She does not need to know where you are or what you're up to every minute of the day, especially now. 

If she throws a hissy and says "you keep going out and doing things on your own and not being with the family" tell her you're practicing up for when she divorces you.

She may just have a new found confidence after losing weight herself, and may just be getting some male attention whereas she had not before, and thinks she's got a shot at "doing better". She may think that way until she finds out that most dudes out there are total douche nozzles, and dating isn't quite so easy...especially when you're a single mom.

If you think you're being to much of a "nice guy", you are. As has been said above...."No More Mister Nice Guy", and "Married Man Sex Life" will be a good start to stop being used as a doormat, and start being used as her sex toy. If during this time you are improving, you do find out she's thinking about something on the side, well then, you've got a great head start to starting over..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my god will you guys give it a break! She got pregnant, gained weight, became a new mother, stopped taking care of herself due to the overwhelming needs of a new baby, the baby got older and now she's taking care of herself again! 

Good lord this is so damn normal that when it doesn't happen is when a husband should be worried because if his wife doesn't bounce back he'll be posting here in 15 years saying his morbidly obese wife doesn't turn him in any more!

Seriously, get a new line!

I think @badsanta is right about butterflies. It was a shock to me when I realized I wasn't attracted to my husband any more. I still loved him, but that zing was gone. I kept it to myself for years because it actually hurt to even admit it. I didn't think I could have survived if he had said something along those lines to me. So we spent 20 years tolerating our lack of attraction when we could have spent 20 years working on getting it back.

OP, have you spoken to your wife about what it was about you that first attracted her? Do you have your own circle of friends? Do you have your own hobbies? Other than you child and family, what do you and your wife have in common?

Get this book "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. You can also catch some excellent TED talks given by her on YouTube. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LEgB1Ay3o3c

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Iepv0NpdSOM


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Butterflies are there in the beginning. As we mature they are replaced with more substantial feelings. If she is chasing butterflies she will be forever disappointed as they will fade away with everyone she marries as they have with you, until, at some point, they just vanish permanently. She has the power to create butterflies within her. They are caused by the thoughts of the individual not the guy she is with.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Twinsman said:


> From talks that we've had, badsanta, I think you hit the nail right on the head... Any advice?


*Step#1 Buy a castle.

Step#2 Get bitten by a vampire.

Step#3 Forbid her to ever see you again for her own safety.

Step#4 Appear to her as your twin brother from a monastery.

Step#5 Request her help to save your twin from evil. 

Step#6 Seduce her into breaking your vow of chastity just as you reveal you have no twin! *

That ought to work! In reality she just needs to grow up and realize as love grows that seasons change, and she is missing out on the beauty of a maturing relationship. 

A good analogy would be a plant with flowers that just finished blooming, and now she wants to toss it not realizing that fruits are finally growing underneath the foliage that will ripen beyond belief. 










Badsanta


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You may never get the full butterfly part back but that doesn't mean that all of it should be gone.

As much as some men will complain that the sex is not what it used to be, some women feel the romance, attention and dating is not what it used to be as well. It's not immature or childish to still want those things just as it's not immature or childish to still want to have sex like your newlyweds. 

Don't stop doing the things that used to give her butterflies. Date her, show her love with her emotional needs, do little things to show you were thinking about her and love her. 

It doesn't have to be like a princess. It melts me when H goes shopping and brings me home berries. He knows I love them but I always feel they are too expensive and I never get them. So when he goes out for bread and milk and also surprises me by grabbing a pack of strawberries... or grapes or whatever... I know he was thinking of me and I feel loved. 

Feeling loved makes me horny.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Many here will say that there may be another man involved, and I'm apt to agree with them. As a rule of thumb, women don't run from their husbands and families unless there is someone else to run to.

Of course, it's possible that there is no OM, per se, but it is highly possible that you W, with her recent weight loss and new outlook on life, may have been attracting attention from other males, perhaps at work, at the gym, etc. She may see them as "alpha males", and started to wonder where all this attention has been all her life. When that happens, it is almost inevitable that women will start to question whether they had "settled" for their husbands, whether they have a real chance with a much handsomer, much more successful man, whether greener pastures await them. 

In short, she has the dependable family sedan that is economical and safe to drive and would never let her down. But now, she has the chance to drive that Lamborghini... 

Also, don't rule out the possibility that she has a "toxic" GF; one that is her new BFF for club-hopping and has reintroduced her to the single, party-girl lifestyle. If so, she may be encouraging your W to stray: "C'mon, girlfriend, that stud is so into you! Go dance with him, what would it hurt? I'll cover for you, you deserve some excitement... YOU GO, GIRL!" 

Or, it may be possible that she is simply overwhelmed by the realities of marriage and children at a relatively young age?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You had to go through many layers to find out what is going on with a woman you live with. She communicates this devastating information to someone other than her husband and father of her child. Who is he?

My impression is that she is either involved with another man or has one lined up. "I'm not attracted to you" should be followed up with "but I'm attracted to someone else". Her motivation to lose weight and look good is not you. She is communicating the intimate details of her life and emotions with someone else, most likely a man. 

There could be many reasons she wants to D but you should put infidelity at the top of the list and investigate. No matter what is going on and what will happen, get MC. It will help you and your wife learn from this and it may save your marriage and family. At the same time, it's smart to see a lawyer now and prepare for the worst. Stop blaming yourself. She failed, she should discuss her unhappiness with you not others.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh my god will you guys give it a break! She got pregnant, gained weight, became a new mother, stopped taking care of herself due to the overwhelming needs of a new baby, the baby got older and now she's taking care of herself again!
> 
> Good lord this is so damn normal that when it doesn't happen is when a husband should be worried because if his wife doesn't bounce back he'll be posting here in 15 years saying his morbidly obese wife doesn't turn him in any more!
> 
> ...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Twinsman said:


> This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short. My wife and I have been married 2 years, and about a month ago I found out she was thinking about divorce, just didn't know how to tell me. She said she's not attracted to me anymore, so I've just been giving her space, and working on myself. My question is should I keep giving her space, or show her that I can be more dominant when it comes to initiating sex. She's always said she's not very sexual, but was when we first got together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 So a friend of a friend of a friend (?) told you what your wife said or something like that. 

So rather than second guessing and going crazy over this, why don't you sit her down, lay the cards out on the table and get it from the horses mouth. You have second or third hand information here and you need to ask her flat out if it's true or not.

If it's true then you have your options and one of them isn't begging. Two people make a marriage and if one of them doesn't have their heart in it then there isn't one. If it's true then ask her why you had to find out this way and if it isn't then the person who told you this should be removed from your Christmas card list.

Time of the sit down and find out once and for all. You know her better then us and after she says her piece then your gut feeling should tell you if she's being honest about it so there's only one way to find out..................ask.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You have probably heard these from your W lately:

"I need space"
"Some time apart might do us good"
"I need time alone"
"I need time to think"
"I need to find myself"
"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you"
"I don't feel attracted to you anymore"
"You've changed"
"I've changed"
"I feel like you're smothering me"
"We've lost our connection"

At least 99.9% of the time, these statements mean one thing:

"I'VE MET SOMEONE..."


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

F-102 said:


> You have probably heard these from your W lately:
> 
> "I need space"
> "Some time apart might do us good"
> ...


Very possible ^^ I say go through her phone, if you think you can handle finding out . Just don't let her know you did it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I found out from a friend that had heard it from a mutual friend of theirs." 

Who's she talking to about your marriage? If she's talking to one of her girlfriends, that's kinda normal. If she's telling some guy that she's thinking about leaving you, you've got a totally different set of problems.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Check out a thread by a poster here that goes by the name of weightlifter; he can show you how to get to the bottom of this. At best, you may find that there is no other man. At worst...


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Did you ever play telephone when you were a kid? It's that game where everyone sits in a circle, and the first person whispers something like "I like turtles," and by the time it gets to the last person, it's become "I was the gunman on the grassy knoll". Stop playing telephone with your wife! For all you know, this could have started with some harmless venting to a girlfriend over coffee.

Also, in the past two years, she's gotten married and had a kid. She's dealing with a lot of new realities all at once, and they probably don't match the sugar-coated versions she imagined. Are you doing your share with the child rearing? Make sure you're changing some diapers and handling some meals, without being asked first. Is she getting time for herself without having to ask you for it? That one goes double if she's a stay at home mom! And make sure you both get time together to do things you both enjoy.

She might not be cheating, and she might not actually want a divorce. She could just be overwhelmed and frustrated, and not sure how to communicate that to you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Twinsman said:


> This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short. My wife and I have been married 2 years, and about a month ago I found out she was thinking about divorce, just didn't know how to tell me. She said she's not attracted to me anymore, so I've just been giving her space, and working on myself. My question is should I keep giving her space, or show her that I can be more dominant when it comes to initiating sex. She's always said she's not very sexual, but was when we first got together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



When you first got married, your wife was happy just to get a nice guy, had a beautiful child and gained some weight. Then she lost the weight and got in shape. Her thinking I got a man started to go out the window and she was looking around because she thinks she can basically trade you up. She says those butterfly feelings are gone, etc. Mrs.CuddleBug told me the first year of our marriage its not like we're dating anymore. I told her this is reality, not just dating and then we go back to our parents places. We are married, living together and with all the responsibilities that go along with adult life. About one to two years into our marriage that finally sunk in and we got through our major hurdle, almost divorced and bought our place. Since then, we have no issues and she never brings that up anymore. She does need to lose a lot of weight but that's something she needs to deal with when she is ready, if she ever deals with it. I too work out and am in great shape. I've had ladies in their teens, to 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. flirt and hit on me. Do I shop around and consider divorcing Mrs.CuddleBug? No. We've been married just over 16 years now and I try and take our marriage vows seriously and not just a piece of paper.

I hope your wife sees the error of her ways.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Work expands to fill time available... The baby and new mom rationale is good till you realize that billions of new moms out there aren't using this as an excuse.

At two or four months or six, yea. But unless you have a Tasmanian Devil for an infant - which we did  - at 1 year it's pretty easy. 

In fact if she's tired now wait till she's going to be dealing with a 2 or 3 year old - 6 months to 18 are fairly easy by comparison.


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## Cam4hire (Oct 18, 2015)

I'm new here as well but just to say I agree with some of posts here. The D word gets thrown around but couples will always have to fight for a relationship. Obviously there is always a point of no return and Divorce is just what is best but many couples don't give it the old fighting chance anymore( just dealt with 2 friends getting divorces). My recommendation is to get back to the roots of yals relationship. Go back to what made yal happy in the beginning. Go out and do fun things together with just the 2 of you. Couple's end up being punching bags for each other when life gets stressful. Gotta figure out how to have fun again. Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Twinsman said:


> Sorry, guess I kept it too short. I noticed a change about a year ago, after we had our first child. I have gotten in better shape the last couple years as I've been working out. I have ruled out that there's anyone else that she's with. I found out from a friend that had heard it from a mutual friend of theirs. Recently she has lost a lot of weight and is looking great now. It just seems she wants nothing to do with me. We have been together 5 years and are in our late 20's. I'm just worried I've been too much of a "nice guy" and that's why she's lost attraction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who brought up / proposed marriage?

Did the marriage proposal come before her pregnancy (your child is at least a year old but you've been married for only two years)? Was the pregnancy planned?

What type of husband / marriage does your wife expect? You really need to know this, and if not you need to find out. You are shooting the dark if trying to fix issues otherwise.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are newly married, just had a kid a year ago, all very new changes for a youngish couple.
How involved have you been as a father after she had your child? You said you went to gym, etc have you been more involved with work, your exercise, etc and not her? Perhaps you have only given her attention when you are looking for sex? 

Women remember these things and yes you will pay for the neglect at some point. There is no point in asking friends of friends or even strangers here on TAM. Why cant you get to the bottom of what is going on in her head and heart by taking her for a nice dinner and talking to her? It is normal for a new mother to feel unattractive and abandoned if her H isn't putting in any effort to the relationship and then to protect herself, switch off emotionally. She may have felt you are out having a good time, getting yourself in shape and she was left behind, so now she is doing the same thing, you were not there when she needed you.

I don't see enough evidence of an OM tbh unless you have other red flags. Talk to her, also consider MC before you go off on a wild goose chase of assuming she has an OM.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Definitely see a good attorney before you do anything else. Of course you want it to work out, but the potential ramifications of a divorce are too serious to not protect yourself if it comes to pass.

Most attorneys offer a free or heavily discounted first hour of consultation. Simply see one and say "My wife is seriously considering divorce. I had to hear this from a mutual acquaintance, which makes me worry she wants to gain an advantage then surprise me with it. I need to know what I must do or not do to protect myself, and also want to know your approach if I need to go through with a divorce".

I agree there might not be another guy involved. What does happen is sometimes people are not mature enough to dig in and nurture a marriage through competing demands on their time.

You are confused because said she was not very sexual yet enjoyed lots of it with you. The disconnect comes by not seeing these two states can co-exist. Being "not very sexual" is a statement of her identity. She is not saying she does not enjoy it. Rather, it is not a high priority - not important to her happiness as an individual.

So, why do it before and not now? Maybe _you_ were important and she wanted that bond. Maybe all the higher priority (to her) stuff was done and she felt free to indulge - easy to do when you are young and unencumbered. But now, she has additional priorities (your child, staying in shape) and sex gets pushed down the list.

Once you get yourself protected, you need to approach her about this. As noted previously, this is as easy as it gets regarding family responsibilities; at this point the situation will not improve without concerted effort from both of you. The talk should sound something like "I've heard you are unhappy and it's not rosy for me either. My view of marriage is one where my wants get as much consideration as yours, and that is not our reality". Then you talk about what you can do together to meet that goal.

If you cannot get her to agree that your needs matter as much as hers as a matter of principle, you have huge problems. You can then assume that a divorce will be coming unless you are willing to subordinate your happiness to that of your wife and the survival of the marriage (definitely not recommended).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You say you've ruled out an OM, yet you have 3 red flags pointing to a possible A.

- Declining interest in you.
- Her comments about wanting to divorce.
- Losing weight and getting in shape.

So if she's not having an A; it sounds like she may be close.

As other posters have commented, have a sit down conversation with her and talk this through. If she's willing to work with you on improving the marriage - and that means her too, including MC, then you have a starting point to turn things around. But it can't be just about you.

If she's not willing; then the ball's in your court. All I can tell you is that I wouldn't accept the status quo.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Been together 5 years, married 2, kid is 1 and she lost interest in you about the same time the child was born and she has said she doesn't find you attractive and has allegedly told someone else she is thinking of divorcing you. You certainly know her better than anyone here but a few things got my attention. You both dated three years without getting married. The timing might suggest the marriage may have had something to do with the pregnancy. Child is born and you are no longer sexually attractive (if you were before). People do sometimes get married to partners they are not really into. Sometimes that involves pregnancy, sometimes it involves someone finding financial advantage or other security in being married. What was the relationship with her like before she got pregnant? What was her financial situation? How did living with you and getting married to you change her financial/job situation?
How is she with your child? Does she behave like she really enjoys being a mother? 

Couples do go through major changes between dating and being married parents and love does feel different as it goes through these natural changes. What dating partners need from each other is quite different than what married partners or parents need from each other. If this relationship endures, your needs and your feelings with go through other changes as time progresses. Love isn't less, just different because we aren't the same people at 80 as we were at 18. It's possible that she's experiencing these changes in emotions and explains them to herself by convincing herself that she's "fallen out of love". 

If you withdraw and appear to be sulking or needy, you aren't going to appear more attractive to her. If she's a normally functioning mother and you want to increase intimacy with her, be a very involved father. Spend a lot of time with your child. Show interest in her interests. If she is into working out, you get into working out. Get a sitter and take her out on a date every week or so.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

You have been lied too! She is not a monogamous animal mother nature design her to be promiscuous. He sexual attraction will only last a few years to you or anybody else. Mother nature pushes her have three to five kids expecting two or three to survive to adulthood all with different fathers. Mother nature wants her to move on and find a new father to ensure survival of the species. 

Our society teaches us that sex is between a married man and a women!...You most likely learned about sex by hearsay! We have become a society of sexually dysfunction women. 75% of women in America can not have a orgasm by intercourse alone! The Journal of American Medical Association reports that 43% percent of American women are sexually dysfunctional, meaning they have low desire and or sexual intercourse is painful. The numbers get better. 54% of women in relationship have affairs. It is safe to say they are not one of the 43% with low desire and or sex is painful. Add the two number together and you get 97%. 

She does not know why she is no longer attracted to you and she equally confused by it. The same thing will happen to her next husband and to your next wife! Women sexuality is the most complex sexual behavior on the planet! Demanding monogamous behavior to ensure male paternity isn't working for women today. 

Your wife doesn't need fixing she needs understanding!...


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