# Just need a little help getting thru



## Teddybear87 (Nov 15, 2017)

To start with, I had to make a second account. I gave up attempting to bring back the old one. So what I will do is a water-downed version of my past story, to catch up with today.

8 years ago, I made the mistake of having my family move in with my best friend. Who in turn ended up having an affair with my wife. Never got how long for sure, but it was found out and worked on it, and moved past it. 
Move forward to current events. 
Last 3 years or so have been great. Never felt the need to check her phone anymore, email, hell even her face book. I thought we were doing good. little did I know, I was taking us/her for granted and started acting like my dad. (never did anything special, said things I shouldn't have, etc.) to be honest I was in a dark place myself, I have an ankle issue that keeps me in pain 80% of the day, and I let that get to me. (which is not an excuse, but just throwing it out there) .

After I noticed we started growing a bit distant about months ago, I started making an effort after work (I get home late some nights) to stay up and hang out with her. Well I got in response was her passing out, or ignoring me. 

Well things finally came to a certain light. My wife likes to go out and dance, play darts, etc... I hate it, but that's another story. She got home super late from a Halloween party. Well I got a bit spooked and after she passed out I checked her phone. there was a snap chat going on with a few friends from the bars, (just the dates, no messages). one being from a guy named joe. I asked her, she claimed it was normal stuff and to check out her texts if I didn't trust her. I did, and they where normal, but normal as in a "good morning =)" at 9 am, and random "how's your day going", and the some even at midnight to 2 AM. nothing nefarious Just chatting. BUT....

This is where I need help. I talked to the guy, hell even met him. He apologized and didn't realize it was an issue that we had as a couple. and said he would stop. but when I asked my wife, she got mad. She said she would but she didn't understand why I asked her to stop being it wasn't anything "bad". I have tried to explain to her several times and I just get meant with this angry, this stone cold "wall", and she says, "I stopped". but I'm upset that she's upset about, and not understand what she did was not OK.

Other things to note. Monday, I picked her up from work, I looked at her snapchat that night, and there was a saved chat saying "yes mam" from him and one from her girl friend that said "ok" both with a date stamp that just said "today". I have never used snapchat before, but she swears up and down that she not talked to him once since I asked her to stop. 

She has also changed her snap chat pass, and tells me she is debating on deleting it. I asked to check her snap chat today and she showed me, but I feel like that would not mater anyway with the nature of that app. (BTW **** who ever invented that ****.) 

Other sides to this story. To help us heal, I have been trying to improve myself, as a husband. I am attempting to go out with her more often, watch what I say, and do nice things from time to time, and just overall not take us for granted. the only issue that is hanging me up bad, is her attitude about the texting. I honestly done think there is anything going on, in fact if anything I am pretty sure I caught it before it could grow. 

To summarize just two things I would like help on. 1-does snapchat mess up from time to time, and that last message was a something saved from when she stopped talking to him? My Facebook messenger does that from time to time with wrong dates on my phone if I don't open it and read messages from my computer instead.
and 2-How do I get her to understand what's wrong with what she was doing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you thought about couple's counselling?


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## Teddybear87 (Nov 15, 2017)

I have brought it up. I would like to try it. we tried it a few times 8 years ago, and it didn't feel right. But it doesn't hurt to try again.


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

Sorry my friend but Snapchat doesn't make mistakes with times and dates, or at least I've never known it do that. Its a very nefarious app that helps with affairs, sexting, general things you don't want sticking around. I don't know any reason why an adult would use it over WhatsApp other than to cover tracks.

With regards to making her see what she's doing is wrong, you can't. She has to come to that conclusion herself. Until she can see it as wrong then to her it'll just be you forcing her to do something for no reason.

Sorry you're here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She did the mind-shift into cheater thought a while ago.

She made up her mind that you are not very valuable.
She made up her mind that her needs come first...no matter who gets [rightly, morally] hurt.

She feels no guilt because you have no vote in her conscious mind, conscious morality.

She is a zombie wife, who died for you......but not for herself.

When the right man comes along...and she is looking, she will re-open her past behavior, re-open her silky pink briefs, her briefcase of cheatspeak.
If her stars align she will leave you for that someone else. She is 'pasively lookin' fer trubal'...

Just Sayin'


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you made it clear that if you discover she is cheating that you will divorce immediately ?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Teddybear87 said:


> How do I get her to understand what's wrong with what she was doing?


Papers. Or in general, _consequences_.

What did you do when she had the first affair, to show her that what she did was actually a dealbreaker but you chose to forgive? I guess nothing.

These are the actions of a woman who has seen no consequences. She will go and do as she pleases, because she thinks you will forgive anyway.

You used "taken for granted" more than once. Instead, your wife should be saying this. You seem to be doing the heavy lifting to improve your marriage, your wife should be doing these instead.

I'll bet my next paycheck that her mood during the aftermath of the affair was mild indifference - "alright get over it already", for starters. What did she really do to help you heal after that affair?

No one deserves a second chance - it is *earned*.

You seem willing to give her a third chance, even. Give yourself a break instead.

Show her some balls.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Cheating wife who likes to go out and party with men and snapchat with them? You need a new wife. It's just a matter of time before it happens again. Anything less than a commitment from her to end her behavior is unacceptable.


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## Teddybear87 (Nov 15, 2017)

verpin zal said:


> Papers. Or in general, _consequences_.
> 
> What did you do when she had the first affair, to show her that what she did was actually a dealbreaker but you chose to forgive? I guess nothing.
> 
> ...


What kind of balls do I show her? I guess I have never thought about it. I bet at this point showing balls would just end up with us splitting up. but I have tried other things so whats one more to add.


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## Teddybear87 (Nov 15, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> She did the mind-shift into cheater thought a while ago.
> 
> She made up her mind that you are not very valuable.
> She made up her mind that her needs come first...no matter who gets [rightly, morally] hurt.
> ...


This probably hits home the most. Maybe if I make her go to counseling with me we will come across that?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Your fWW is going out without you to Bars, Dancing, getting Drunk, and Chatting with other Men... I don't see anything chance of something happening again?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Teddybear87 said:


> This probably hits home the most. Maybe if I make her go to counseling with me we will come across that?


I think you need to ask her 'three times' if she wants to remain married.

Ask her, softly, quietly, *
*
If she balks on just 'one' of the inquiries, she want out.

My opinion again:

She is treading water.
Trying not to drown.
Trying not to go down deep in poor, cold, financial waters.

She is hanging on to your wallet.
Not onto your good will.
Not onto your love.
Not onto your penis.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Why are you with her, besides the fact that you are already with her? She cheated, she goes out drinking without you and has snapchats with dudes. The fact she has Snapchat is a huge red flag. You know pics get sent and are deleted after. It’s basically a) kids sending nudes to each other or b) cheating app. With some fun filters thrown in. Gtfo


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You sound like a really nice guy so I’m sorry this is happening. Welcome to TAM, we want to help. I appreciate how much you want to save your marriage.

Spouses with a history of cheating no longer deserve to have the right to go out to bars or parties without their spouse. You don’t like to go out to party? Gee, then that’s to bad for her, now isn’t it? She should have thought of that before she starting banging your friend. IMO, she also should have lost the priveldge of texting/chatting with members of the opposite sex that are not family. 

Snapchat’s not lying, but she is.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You need to lay down the rules. No snapchat, no WhatsApp. Monitor her texting and call logs from the cell provider. If she has an iPhone, iMsg makes it harder to track text messages between two iPhone users.

How's your marriage? Are you attractive to each other? Are you having frequent and good sex?


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

What were her consequences after the first affair? Or were you so desperate to keep your marriage intact, that you rug swept it all? 

Here's the thing- when you prove to be a cheater, you lose certain privileges. She should not be allowed to go out to bars/clubs without you, or text other random men, because she has proven to have poor boundaries with the opposite sex. When you allow this to continue, you are setting yourself up to be back in the same position you found yourself in with your best friend. Cheaters cannot be trusted. They can reform, but a reformed cheater willingly no longer puts herself back in positions that can toe the lines of appropriateness. 

And no, Snapchat does not confuse date and time stamps. Your wife is lying to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W is doing exactly everything that does not make you feel SAFE. Out late, bars, dancing and snap chat. Recipe for disaster. If your W really cared about you feeling safe she would stop this activity. Delete snap chat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Teddybear,

If your WW is still behaving like a single woman she has not learned or recovered from her first? affair and in an emotional way neither have you.

You wrote, *8 years ago, I made the mistake of having my family move in with my best friend. Who in turn ended up having an affair with my wife. Never got how long for sure, but it was found out and worked on it, and moved past it. *

Please go back and have her write out a complete timeline for that affair, if she is still withholding the details from you she is still cheating and lying by omission. Then get a polygraph for her, the polygraph will pick up the current affair too.

Tamat


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Teddy, Teddy Teddy, what are we going to do with you. In 99.672% of the cases a woman cheats only when she lost romantic interest in her spouse with the requisite romantic interest never returning. Looks like this is the case with you. To maintain romantic interest, women have to have both a challenge and respect for you. Your wife has neither and the writing is all over the wall.

Here's what likely happened. For whatever reason ya'll moved into your friend's place, you looked like loser guy with his hat in his hand and you buddy like the benefactor/rescuer. Chances are the marriage was luke warm as she saw him as the silver back gorilla with the lions share of the food stock and the ability to maintain his resources. If you wasn't already judging you a second and third rate, she did at that time.

So what did you do when you discovered the affair, and I'm speculating here. You told her that you couldn't stand to lose her and please lets get past it for the sake of your marriage. She said ok, as long as you don't nag and complain about it. She'd either tired of your buddy or figured she'd have ample opportunity to bang him down the road while keeping you around smooth out the rough patches and play maintenance man/babysitter. In the years that followed, you went along with staying home babysitting while she ally-catted around bars a dance halls, near men who are there looking for no commitment hookups. Now you act surprised at her activities.

What do you do now? Simple. File for divorce and make her decide if you're worth chasing. If she come after you, which is unlikely, be hard to get and date a few other chicks. If she gets to the point where she, "will do anything to get you back" and after sufficient begging on her part, move her in for at least 18 months before retying the knot. The bullshyt of her going out juking and male friends stops immediately and she is willing (unless she feels that bumping pubic bones on the dance floor with other guys has greater value than you). If she won't agree, your best bet is to cut her loose and/or maybe keep her around for occasional booty call.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Teddybear87 said:


> What kind of balls do I show her? I guess I have never thought about it. I bet at this point showing balls would just end up with us splitting up. but I have tried other things so whats one more to add.


And if you do split what have you lost?

a) loving, faithful wife

or,

b) cheater


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to lay the hammer down hard and fast. You obviously offered up no consequences of what so ever the first time around and now you are allowing bar hookups snap chats and conversations with the opposite sex. You are coming across as very weak. You need to enforce consequences now!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Teddy, talk to us man. What's the latest?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

verpin zal said:


> Papers. Or in general, _consequences_.
> 
> What did you do when she had the first affair, to show her that what she did was actually a dealbreaker but you chose to forgive? I guess nothing.
> 
> ...


Good one!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

A good divorce attorney should be able to provide the help that you need.

Anything short of that will be a waste of your time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Teddybear87 said:


> What kind of balls do I show her? I guess I have never thought about it. I bet *at this point showing balls would just end up with us splitting up.* but I have tried other things so whats one more to add.


And there you go.


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## Teddybear87 (Nov 15, 2017)

Well, update. Getting a Divorce, her call. About a 2 1/2 months ago. Not more then 1 week after I moved out, she went to the gruby motel behind the bar, and well.....wont finish that. Ill admit, it sucks. Thankfully we are doing 50/50 with the kids. So I have that. 14 years together, 8 married all meant nothing to her. I'm seeing therapy, going to the gym and seeing a doctor for anti-depressants.
Its the been the worse 2 months of my life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Teddybear87 said:


> Well, update. Getting a Divorce, her call. About a 2 1/2 months ago. *Not more then 1 week after I moved out, she went to the gruby motel behind the bar, and well.....wont finish that.* Ill admit, it sucks. Thankfully we are doing 50/50 with the kids. So I have that. 14 years together, 8 married all meant nothing to her. I'm seeing therapy, going to the gym and seeing a doctor for anti-depressants.
> Its the been the worse 2 months of my life.


She was cheating well before that.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Sorry.

But, the cheating from 8 years ago - did she cheat on you before or after you got married?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’ve wasted enough of your life on this. Luckily for you she ended it or you’d still be wallowing in the mire of this ****.

Wake up and make your life what you want it to be,

Learn from this so you don’t do a repeat


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Teddybear87 said:


> Well, update. Getting a Divorce, her call. About a 2 1/2 months ago. Not more then 1 week after I moved out, she went to the gruby motel behind the bar, and well.....wont finish that. Ill admit, it sucks. Thankfully we are doing 50/50 with the kids. So I have that. 14 years together, 8 married all meant nothing to her. I'm seeing therapy, going to the gym and seeing a doctor for anti-depressants.
> Its the been the worse 2 months of my life.


Make it only 2 months and no more

She is a serial cheater and people like that are vampires who suck the life out if you. Don't let her win by torturing yourself. She is NOT WORTH IT! 

Fast forward the divorce as fast as you can. You cannot stay married to that even if she attempts a comeback. She will just cheat again, She always has, you just caught her a few times. Guaranteed there is more. 

Keep up the gym. See the therapist as long as you need. Stay the course. This will hurt less and less over time. 

Sorry this happened to you but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be free from this venom in your life and you will be a much happier person.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Teddybear87 said:


> Well, update. Getting a Divorce, her call. About a 2 1/2 months ago. Not more then 1 week after I moved out, she went to the gruby motel behind the bar, and well.....wont finish that. Ill admit, it sucks. Thankfully we are doing 50/50 with the kids. So I have that. 14 years together, 8 married all meant nothing to her. I'm seeing therapy, going to the gym and seeing a doctor for anti-depressants.
> Its the been the worse 2 months of my life.


I hope you are not missing her.

You should be seeing her for what she is - a low-rent party girl. 'The motel behind the bar' girl.

This should never be wife material for you. Finish your divorce and find someone with some dignity.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Guys snap chat does not delete ANYTHING.

https://www.tenorshare.com/iphone-data/how-to-recover-snapchat-photos-and-videos-on-iphone.html

https://blog.fonepaw.com/recover-snapchat-photos.html 
(careful don't use the tool they sell)


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If you have been to the gym since August, you probably are fairy buff by now. You'll be a hot property for some worthwhile women. Let's hear how you are doing.


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