# More infidelity threads from men than women



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I have been on this site for a little while now, and I tend to see a significantly higher number of men dealing with their wife's infidelity than women? I have also seen more men's stories on here where their marriage has healed from infidelity (where their wife was the wayward spouse). Is that accurate? Are the some good women's stories on overcoming affairs when their husband was the wayward spouse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you actually counted the number of posts for each gender?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Maybe more men do a lot fo internet surfing and hang on to the forums like this.

There are a good number of women here.

Why women dont post here?
They know how to deal with infidelity better than men? 
Or they think that their husbands spy on their activities?

Dont know.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Have you actually counted the number of posts for each gender?


No. Completely subjective observation.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

AngryandUsed said:


> Maybe more men do a lot fo internet surfing and hang on to the forums like this.
> 
> There are a good number of women here.
> 
> ...


Very true, or maybe women tend to have other postiive relationships with people whom they can trust and turn to when they need help. Men are very less likely to turn to other people for help, especially when they are struggling with their emotions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> No. Completely subjective observation.


Hm, maybe you just notice the men's threads more.... interesting insight.

My subjective observation is that it's about equal.

But I don't think there is any way to count as we'd need the entire membership list.

Woudl be interesting to know.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

* maybe women tend to have other postiive relationships with people whom they can trust and turn to when they need help. Men are very less likely to turn to other people for help, especially when they are struggling with their emotions. *

For girls, their mothers, friends and elders of the same gender teach about sex, and relationship. For boys, they are left in the open to fend for themselves.

I also believe that it is the women that teach men (in a healthy relationship).

Men hesitate to confide with their friends. Women do.

These are my views.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I've noticed this too. Quite scary actually.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I feel that women have and use more resources to help them through infidelity then men, whereas a site like this is quite private and allows men to vent.
When D-Day came for me I looked through a great many sites, but found that most of them seemed to cater primarily for women. There was only this site that felt comfortable for me to use.
I know it's subjective, but that's how it felt to me. 
This is still the only site I use.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

according to the first census poll I put up the men outnumber the women here in this forum close to 2:1


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> * maybe women tend to have other postiive relationships with people whom they can trust and turn to when they need help. Men are very less likely to turn to other people for help, especially when they are struggling with their emotions. *
> 
> For girls, their mothers, friends and elders of the same gender teach about sex, and relationship. For boys, they are left in the open to fend for themselves.
> 
> ...


I would tend towards this suggestion.

When my wife was in her wayward period, she had a handful of friends to talk to. I had no one.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

personally I think women cheat more than men. Its just much eaiser for them most women could walk into a bar and bang anyone they wanted.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> personally I think women cheat more than men. Its just much eaiser for them most women could walk into a bar and bang anyone they wanted.


LOL One reason I don't go to bars these days.. not sure I could even avoid the temptations but I certainly don't want the drama right now  

But you have to ask... are the guys in the bar single?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Why women dont post here?
> They know how to deal with infidelity better than men?
> Or they think that their husbands spy on their activities?


I don't think men have the social networks of support that most women have. When something bad happens to a woman she goes to a girlfriend or group of women for emotional support and advice.

Men are more deeply embarrassed at being cheated on and are less likely to go tell their buddies or family due to the shame they are feeling. So they come here where they can get their support anonymously.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I would bet it is that women generally have more people to talk about these issues off-line. 

There is almost no one I would want to talk to off-line about any serious marital issues.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i tend to agree with some of the others on here that women have other resources.

i think men tend to be more to themselves during problems, especially if they cant 'fix' them.

on a forum such as this they can open up more without caring what others think of them personally.

women on the other hand open up more to friends and family.

so i think the numbers on here would tend to be skewed for those reasons and you couldnt actually get an accurate count from forums as to the ratio in rl.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

A lot of betrayed men have now spoken, and I am with them, this website has become our main support group, women often have other live people/groups that they prefer to share all their thoughts and feelings with. Most of the betrayed men on here arrived pretty much near rock-bottom right after their heart was ripped out and turned to google to find out what ILYBINILWY means... women on here tend to arrive when all their other resources have failed to provide direction or make sense of things.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That just seems to be the case in this particular forum. On other sites, the ratio is about even, or in the case of SI, almost 10 to 1, where the female betrayed vastly outnumber the number of men who are betrayed.

With that said, men are more likely to suck it up and less likely to seek emotional support from others.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Funny you mention this. 

Ive been studying this. I've been trying to confirm or refute a trend that is not only evident here, it's everywhere. It's almost shocking how many of my male friends are experiencing this. I couldn't completely dismiss it as coincidence so I read, and read, and read...

I found out Men and Women cheat. a lot. Way more than I ever thought.

I dont think physiologically one is more likely than another. But, I believe that we are witnessing a shift. a statistical normalization of sorts. Cheating in decades past was thought to be more male dominated, heavily so. I think the trend has shifted. In order for it to balance out, it is swinging the other direction... hard.

But it is interesting to think and read about the factors which lend themselves to the conclusion I've come to... Women are cheating more than men. 

and I don't think it's that close. lol.

All speculation obviously but I do think it makes sense on a number of (non bias) fronts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have no comment on why there's more men here, but my hubby and I are reconciling after he cheated. He didn't have an affair per se though. Dday#1 was march 13 2010. Almost 2 years ago - wow. Some days I feel like it just happened yesterday.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Lionelhutz said:


> I would bet it is that women generally have more people to talk about these issues off-line.
> 
> There is almost no one I would want to talk to off-line about any serious marital issues.


That's my take.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Depends where you read and the current posters at the time.. There are other sites I've read on where the cheated on were mostly women.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Funny you mention this.
> 
> Ive been studying this. I've been trying to confirm or refute a trend that is not only evident here, it's everywhere. It's almost shocking how many of my male friends are experiencing this. I couldn't completely dismiss it as coincidence so I read, and read, and read...
> 
> ...


This is just my personal bias but I've witnessed in my life and the life of a lot of my married male friends, the p*ssification of men. Guys who fit the stereotypical "nice guy" format. Who are opposed to fitting the stereotype of a "typical male."

I feel like we're trained from a young age to view the male stereotype as inherently wrong. We see only extremes in the media. Extremely giant *******s, and then we see the super sensitive romantic guys (who women supposedly swoon over).

We don't get a lot of realistic pictures of how men can or should act. We get very few role models of guys who are patient and understanding, but don't take sh*t from their wives. We know we aren't supposed to beat our women, but no one tells us how to not tolerate disrespect when they challenge us.

In a sense, we're forging a new path and have little help to know when we're doing things correctly or not. So many of us err on the side of being "too" accomodating, and what ends up happening is our wives cheat on us. My personal thought is that there is this biological instinct in women to challenge their man.

I don't mean it in a negative way, but similar as to how any animal in the wild will challenge the leader, to ensure that they are strong and have not lost their place as chief of the land. I think our wives are testing us, making sure we are still the men they married. And if we show weakness, they are tuned to seek out something stronger.

It's a strange generation we live in. We have to restrain our natural traits, but not so much that we lose ourselves. We must be completely in tune and aware of our strengths and flaws, and balance them perfectly to live at peace with our women. More importantly, we need to find other men who can show us the way. Who have done it before and succeeded, and these are in short supply.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

I guess I had too much faith it would work in the end. Are we dumber as men? 

Was there not a time when being respectful was valued?

I read about the "nice guy" thing. My grandfathers were nice, as were my uncles, yet they were also real men, just like me, and none of them were divorced.

Could it be that so many men have become @ss [email protected] and that could be what is considered the norm? That it's not that nice guys are weak, but that they appear so in light of the lack of priority on marriage by so many NOT decent men? 

I don't know for sure. I do think there was a time when nice could also be strong, and decent could also be alpha. 

What I notice is so many women post 35-40 keep saying where are the nice guys, those women that have been divorced a while.

I think expectations are flawed on a whole. Ever read the study about what college aged men and women want in a spouse? It's real bad, and indicates only about 5% of each would ever qualify as a spouse. Things have changed!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Depends where you read and the current posters at the time.. There are other sites I've read on where the cheated on were mostly women.


:iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I never believe those stats. Such as 2x as many men as women cheat? That must be one sl^ty busy bunch of women then, no?


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Depends where you read and the current posters at the time.. There are other sites I've read on where the cheated on were mostly women.


I agree.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

riverside mft said:


> i have been on this site for a little while now, and i tend to see a significantly higher number of men dealing with their wife's infidelity than women? I have also seen more men's stories on here where their marriage has healed from infidelity (where their wife was the wayward spouse). Is that accurate? Are the some good women's stories on overcoming affairs when their husband was the wayward spouse?


apt...

I agree...


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

jellybeans said:


> depends where you read and the current posters at the time.. There are other sites i've read on where the cheated on were mostly women.


obverse to facts..


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I have always noted this trend here. My take?

1. I agree, in general women are better connected to discuss difficult issues with friends and family then men are. Outside of adultery, they connect and discuss family more openly than we do.

2. Most men (esp in my generation) are taught by example and peer pressure not to show negative emotion. A forum like this makes it easier to seek help without being ostracized because you are bawling your eyes out because your wife just walked or is involved in an affair..

3. Because men do not do 1 & 2 well we compound the problem by not discussing issues even with our wives. We can be non confrontational with our spouses and not seeing or addressing issues in the marriage. I was in full denial that my marriage was in trouble and carried on my merry way until D-Day. Then, like many here felt like it was "out of the blue"

I don't speak for the rest of my brethren but those three opinions fit me to a tee.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> Very true, or maybe women tend to have other postiive relationships with people whom they can trust and turn to when they need help. Men are very less likely to turn to other people for help, especially when they are struggling with their emotions.


Agreed.
Being betrayed by one's spouse is humiliating for anyone, but I suspect more so for a guy (is there a female version of a cuckold? A female equivalent of emasculating?). Because of that, I think a guy is more likely to turn to a place like this for support/guidance from strangers than a woman, who's more likely to turn to close friends or family.
These, of course, are generalities, but I think it's valid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> for starters there's no way to get any infidelity facts with any certainty
> 
> 
> you can't go what's on this board, other boards or by what each of us encounters personally- the sample size is too small
> ...


I don't think the discussion is who cheats more, it's why do more men tend to find themselves here after the discovery of an infidelity in a higher ratio to women?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Almost all of the married or once married women I know cheated on their husbands. Just my informal sampling.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I believe, as others have said already, is it's because women can more easily talk about these things with other women-they have what amounts to a built-in support group.

Men, on the other hand, feel that they must remain anonymous in these matters. They feel that they can't talk about these matters to anyone for fear of ridicule.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Almost all of the married or once married women I know cheated on their husbands. Just my informal sampling.


Yikes.
Remind me to avoid your social circle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I've noticed that TAM seems to have a higher percentage of men posting than at sites like Divorce Busters and Marriage Builders. That's a good thing since I think there's alot of bad advice at both those sites which seems to run along the lines of "plan doormat". 

Generally, I suspect more men cheat than women, but I doubt the gap is large enough to matter much.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Like an in depth conversation about religion or politics, it's probably just mental masturbation to engage in the debate. No one perspective on the matter can be verified and the data is useless. 

But, I believe your all wrong. lol.

I read quite a bit and pieced together an opinion, but it is exactly that. An opinion. But I will say I didn't take any data into consideration when forming my meaningless conclusion. lol. 

Debating this nonsense could be fun though.. Some good brain *fapping* might be stimulating... If someone is interested in having an arguement that no one can win, I'll be your huckleberry. lol.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

FWIW, there is another marriage board I've read and the majority of infidelity threads there are from the betrayed female perspective. I have noticed, though, that men seem more willing to forgive their wives than vice versa.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I have been on this site for a little while now, and I tend to see a significantly higher number of men dealing with their wife's infidelity than women? I have also seen more men's stories on here where their marriage has healed from infidelity (where their wife was the wayward spouse). Is that accurate? Are the some good women's stories on overcoming affairs when their husband was the wayward spouse?


Riverside... In your practice, does the husband or the wife tend to cheat more?

What is the ratio that you see?

Which spouse forgives more often?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> I have noticed, though, that men seem more willing to forgive their wives than vice versa.


i believe in real life, this has been proven wrong by quite a gap.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Misery loves company. Since men feel they should be able to fix everything and anything, most come to this board hoping to find the "fix". It usually isn't available if it includes spending one's life until death with a person they can't possibly trust out of their sight.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I don't think men have the social networks of support that most women have. When something bad happens to a woman she goes to a girlfriend or group of women for emotional support and advice.
> 
> Men are more deeply embarrassed at being cheated on and are less likely to go tell their buddies or family due to the shame they are feeling. So they come here where they can get their support anonymously.


I agree with that. When my bfs cheated on me I had my father, my older brother/best friend, twin sister, mother, some friends to talk to. I think men do fear be seen as weak if they admit to having been "fooled" by a woman. If I ever have any boys I will teach them that they can talk to me about anything, specially girl issues.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Agreed.
> Being betrayed by one's spouse is humiliating for anyone, but I suspect more so for a guy (is there a female version of a cuckold? A female equivalent of emasculating?). Because of that, I think a guy is more likely to turn to a place like this for support/guidance from strangers than a woman, who's more likely to turn to close friends or family.
> These, of course, are generalities, but I think it's valid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think men feel more humiliated by infidelity and are less likely to want to talk to someone about it.
So they need this anonymous forum. If they tell their friends and it gets around they lose status. Or thier WS becomes a target for the next guy. Kinda like blood in the water. Never show you are injured.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hookares said:


> Misery loves company. Since men feel they should be able to fix everything and anything, most come to this board hoping to find the "fix". It usually isn't available if it includes spending one's life until death with a person they can't possibly trust out of their sight.


Yet, by the time they get here, things are very far gone. And how many apologize for snooping saying they know it was wrong. They say this even when they find evidence of cheating. They did not want to be controlling. Where does this rhetoric come from? Where did this poisoning of the mind begin with many men?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Stryker said:


> michzz said:
> 
> 
> > There's also anti-smugness bias too,
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GTdad said:


> I've noticed that TAM seems to have a higher percentage of men posting than at sites like Divorce Busters and Marriage Builders. That's a good thing since I think *there's alot of bad advice at both those sites which seems to run along the lines of "plan doormat*".
> 
> *Generally, I suspect more men cheat than women, but I doubt the gap is large enough to matter much*.


I would say its about even. Unless there's a huge percentage of men having homosexual affairs, then the vast majority of men are cheating with women.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe women who cheat don't think they have anything to apologize for or brag about. Maybe they sucked deep from the bong of empowerment and they deserve whatever they do and the hell with everyone else.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I would say its about even. Unless there's a huge percentage of men having homosexual affairs, then the vast majority of men are cheating with women.


Women have the larger percentage in SSA or Bi in Lesbian Relationships...


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I would say its about even. Unless there's a huge percentage of men having homosexual affairs, then the vast majority of men are cheating with women.


What I've observed personally is that women, as a group, have more pressure on them (internal and external) to not reveal that they are cheating even once they have divorced or otherwise are in the clear. This extends to anonymous polls, etc. They tend to be much more concerned about reputation, losing face/status and being seen as 'good girls' than men, and society. Makes sense as people do seem to judge men and women who commit infidelity differently, even if all the details are the same.

The handful of times I got to 'see behind the curtain' and learn who had cheated (or was severely tempted) in a given group of people that I knew, I was always surprised to learn about the women who strayed, as there were no signs or giveaways that I picked up on. As for the guys who strayed, it was almost always "I could have told you that" or "not surprised" based on their character/behaviors/etc.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Only God and Facebook knows the true infidelity statistics.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

snap said:


> Only God and Facebook knows the true infidelity statistics.


Ain't that the truth. Google, FB, Microsoft, Apple and the cell companies know more about our families/personal lives than we do. I'm reminded of 1984...

If only that info could be used for the common good, instead of hitting me with sushi restaurant ads in my area because I looked up "yellowfin" recently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

snap said:


> Only God and Facebook knows the true infidelity statistics.


LOL I think about that anytime I google something about my marriage. Google has my profile with about 3000 searches on the keywords: wife, infidelity, cheated, texting other dudes, divorce, etc. Over a 4 year period of time, I'm pretty sure they could figure out what's going on.

Let's pray they don't sell that sh*t.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I, for one, welcome our Google overlords


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Sorry AR, I'm sure their software sees through your comment. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Anubis said:


> What I've observed personally is that women, as a group, have more pressure on them (internal and external) to not reveal that they are cheating even once they have divorced or otherwise are in the clear. This extends to anonymous polls, etc. They tend to be much more concerned about reputation, losing face/status and being seen as 'good girls' than men, and society. Makes sense as people do seem to judge men and women who commit infidelity differently, even if all the details are the same.
> 
> The handful of times I got to 'see behind the curtain' and learn who had cheated (or was severely tempted) in a given group of people that I knew, I was always surprised to learn about the women who strayed, as there were no signs or giveaways that I picked up on. As for the guys who strayed, it was almost always "I could have told you that" or "not surprised" based on their character/behaviors/etc.


:iagree:

Its the same reason they lie about their age and the number of guys they've slept with. What was that formula again? Multiply it by 4 or something? That's why they won't admit to infidelity.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> LOL I think about that anytime I google something about my marriage. Google has my profile with about 3000 searches on the keywords: wife, infidelity, cheated, texting other dudes, divorce, etc. Over a 4 year period of time, I'm pretty sure they could figure out what's going on.
> 
> Let's pray they don't sell that sh*t.


Google just changed the privacy policy. All google data available to all google apps. To see your search history, www.google.com/history
you can delete it if you want, and stop future capture. Unless you want ads for marriage counselling showing up in your
search results, or at the side of your inbox....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Its the same reason they lie about their age and the number of guys they've slept with. What was that formula again? Multiply it by 4 or something? That's why they won't admit to infidelity.


It is way worse than this I think. While a man may factor in age and number and type of sexual partners, I am thinking that knowing a woman has cheated one or more times is a big deal. Maybe not right away but eventually. There would be a stigma around it.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Maybe women who cheat don't think they have anything to apologize for or brag about. Maybe they sucked deep from the bong of empowerment and they deserve whatever they do and the hell with everyone else.


"bong of empowerment"  love it


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hmmm.
I have a friend, who has a friend.. who is a married woman that has had multiple affairs. Seriously, it's not ME. I don't roll that way.

Anywho, the stories I heard. She purposely ONLY 'dates' other married men. Because they are more discreet. They also have something to lose by being caught. A single guy might get pissed if she breaks it off and threaten to expose her to her H.

I kinda got the impression that most married people have affairs with OTHER married \ attached people. so what does that do to the 'stats'! I think this is true, btw.


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