# Made my decision



## b1tterwfe (Feb 22, 2016)

Sorry for the novel. ..

19 years ago I met and married my husband, I was a free spirited hippie, he was a staunch "Christian" church goer who I thought would be faithful and provide the peacefulness I craved, he immediately started changing me.. and I immediately obliged to keep what I thought was the perfect man..
Three kids later, the Internet came into the house and the whole new world of chat was introduced. .. what a perfect solution to a miserable marriage. . Talk to others. . ( that is pure sarcasm btw) we both were guilty of the thrill of others giving us attention we didn't give to each other.
He had the first affair right after I found out I was pregnant with baby #4, it went downhill from there... the loss of a job, house, car repo'd, becoming homeless and then finally losing the baby halfway through the pregnancy all within a four month span caused us to just tolerate each other. 
Several years go by, fighting more and more.. the tension in the house was unbareable at times , we both decided to give it up and get a dissolution. . Then I found out I was pregnant again.. say what you may.. but something inside me clicked.. I didn't want to raise these kids alone, especially with a newborn. . This is the man I married. . Come hell or high water I was going to make this work, no more chatting, my kids, husband and house needed me to be there 100% .. we both put our pasts behind us and started rebuilding our marriage. 
Several times he went back to chatting, would come to me in confession, I would ***** for a bit and then restart the clock and move on.. after baby #5 , he became more involved with being online, he found MySpace, and MySpace *****s.. avoiding me and the kids while he spent his life online. . Online wasn't good enough so he started meeting them irl .. 
Then the painting started. . It must be clothed models. . Then nudes. . I told him over and over the nudes destroyed me.. it killed me knowing he was looking at another woman's body, he started sneaking. . I would find out.. cry and then just shut down.. for years I would go through his phone, see conversations of how much he enjoyed being with them, how he loved their ass, tits etc. .. I would confront and the cycle started of him flipping out on me for snooping through his private stuff.. I would snoop... he would punish.. I shut down and him out.
I stopped snooping. . If I wasn't going to leave him, then why torture myself? (I do ostrich pretty well) in December of 2012 he met a woman through a friend that ended it all for me.. only I didn't know at the time.. he carried on a affair for over a year steadily. . At the beginning of 2014 he was in a car accident that left him with some cognitive damage, rendering him unable to drive or make decisions for four months, I spent those four months driving him back and forth to work, Dr appointments and to his studio to paint.. I felt like this was maybe going to work out.. but unknown to me while I was taking care of my mom who had cancer several months later he was back with the OW .. it wasn't till Christmas of 2014 that I found out of the affair .
I decided to give myself a year.. to give him a chance to change. . The whole year he was either picking up women off of craigslist or becoming emotionally involved with his nude models.. 
I don't have anymore fight in me, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts have plagued me since the beginning of 2015.. so in January, I made my decision. June is the month I leave.. 
My question is.. how do i stick to my guns? I'm scared ****less.. I feel like I'm so weak inside that I will just cave in and not be able to fight for this.. this is all I've ever known, and change is utterly frighteningly to me. In my strong moments I know that I've given him ten years to change and he has failed and only gotten worse. . But in those many weak dark moments I second guess myself and think that if I had not been so cold maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me over and over.. that because I have severe insecurities it's my fault. . I admit, when someone hurts me I shut down, I don't forgive very easily. 


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

If you make a commitment to self-happiness, then this transition will be a lot easier. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything. You have to have an unwavering faith in the facts. You are not happy and what you expressed is not a romantic relationship. Let him be addicted to the internet and other women. He can do it without you, he already is.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The only way to begin to break out of limbo and depression is to begin to develop and implement a plan of action. First: could you clarify the income picture as it stands today. At one point your family was broke, no car, and where homeless (4 yrs ago?). What changed? 

Write down basic info such as:

Age of children 
Current outstanding debt.
Monthly expenses 
Assets 
Income both fixed and occasional.

Study your states custody and child support laws State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

If you can post results here. We can help you develop a solid plan to move forward. You might be able to find help from a women's out reach program. @EleGirl I believe has help people find help though these groups. 

I guess you need to embrace my brothers motto: get a clue, get a grip, get a life. 


Be well

John


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Follow up question: you where a "hippie" he was a devout Christian. Your primary motive to marry him was the stability you thought it would provide you. Why did you need this? 

There are two kinds of humans who are kind and generous. Those who are weak and hope to bribe others into being kind to them and those who are strong and act of a internal sense of right and wrong, period. 

There are two types of humans who are free spirit hippies: those who are free spirited are grounded and those who are weak and at some level feel either they are unable or don't deserve to be in a long term committed relationship. 


Which are you? Understand this question is not meant as an indictment of you, rather it is an attempt to establish a baseline.


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## b1tterwfe (Feb 22, 2016)

Let me try and cover everything, the homeless period was in 2005, he found a secure job and has kept it for almost 10 years..
kids ages are 18, almost 17, 15 and 9 years old.
No debt, and just rent, he works and I stay home to homeschool the children. 
Assets? I chuckle at this because of the one income, we have nothing of any value, besides sentimental.
And yes I am fully aware of the lack of income coming from me, I do have a few plans to cover that issue that I'm starting now, 
As for why did I marry him? 
I was raised with the outlook that a woman needs a man, that she stays at home and raises the kids while he goes out to slaughters the dragons, she tends to the needs of the house and makes the home a sanctuary for him to come home to. I do admit I'm a ppl pleaser, I don't say no.. not because I want anything from them..but because it's expected of me.
I don't believe in giving up, I feel that it is failure to quit something, the last thing I ever wanted was a divorce.
Hope that answered your questions. 


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It takes two to be married and only one to quit. It wasn't you honey.

He quit long ago and you simply held on to a dead thing.

Get support and counseling.

Start living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Man, i almost don't have the mental ability to respond to your post. 

So what i am getting is after you got pregnant you decided to mentally sweep all the troubles under the rug and recommitted come hell or high water. But honey, he NEVER did the same. 

you have been turning away and shaking your head hiding your hurt and trying not to snoop for too long. He was hardly ever faithful to you. 

Troubles and stress did not drive him to cheat. Bad coping mechanisms or Narcissism did. 

Do you want to be happy? 

Do you want to have a stable future where you don't fear him leaving for another woman? 

Do you want your kids to have a healthy model as a parent? 

If the answer is yes to all the above you need to file. You have been the only one really committed and REALLY trying in this marriage. And what has he done? ****ed around on you. Great pay back for being so injured that he had to be waited on hand and foot by you. FOR FOUR MONTHS. Im not sure his lover would do that. 

To save a marriage you must be willing to lose it. He needs to KNOW what it is to lose you. He may think he loves her more... he doesn't. He loves HIM MORE THAN ANYONE. 

BOOT THE BASTARD.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Im honestly not sure how you stayed this long! Just keep picturing how peaceful your life will be without worrying about who your husband is out screwing around with.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You aren't happy and it's pretty clear that he isn't going to stop having these affairs with women. How did you stay this long with this man? I would honestly be very angry if this happened to me. Document every affair you can, get screen shots, emails, any evidence you can and leave him! Get child support to help you take care of the children and get a job to help you get on your feet. Rebuild your life and be happy. It will be very hard and it will hurt, but you WILL be happier! It is not okay for him to do what he is doing to you, and accepting it as okay is only going to drag you further into a dark hole and make you very depressed.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

b1tterwfe said:


> ...
> No debt, and just rent, he works and I stay home to homeschool the children.
> Assets? I chuckle at this because of the one income, we have nothing of any value, besides sentimental.
> And yes I am fully aware of the lack of income coming from me, I do have a few plans to cover that issue that I'm starting now,
> ...


I agree with your basis premise of the housewife/mom. However to truly be that, you have to start at a point of self confidence and assurance within yourself. Honestly, you never had that and still don't. Women don't need men; men don't need women. With that said, together you can complete a whole. That is what marriage is supposed to be - a partnership working together toward the end goal. You don't have that.

Getting D doesn't have to be immediate. Give it another year. NOT to work on your marriage! Work on you.
(I hear some of the posters already say F that - get out now!)

Here are my reasons - you have spent your life with this man using you. Use him during this time to continue paying the bills as you work on yourself. 
1. Start IC, there are free to low cost clinics that will do that. Look up Behavior Centers in your area. 
2. Work on getting the education, you need to get a good job - not a min wage one. You'll need this to support the children still at home when he decides to skip town. Pell grants and state grants can provide this.
3. Get a part-time job when he is home. Make him start taking some responsibility for the children at home. Keep the money you earn in your own savings account.
4. Start practicing the 180 many refer to here. the 180
5. In a year's time, you should be well on your way to the self-confidence you need and the finances to start going it alone.

6. After above, get an apartment and move out - 180 full effect.
7. File the divorce and never look back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bitterwife, your WH has brought you to hell and back, you owe him nothing, if anything he owes you for keeping the home and kids together though I am sure the kids know what you have put up with and you are not modelling a good marriage for them.
Make your plans to leave as Mjgh06 outlined above. Get your ducks in a row, try and get some work and make plans to leave him in the dust. You deserve more than this excuse for a man.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

BW ~

Your name says it all: You are filled with bitterness and resentment and you should be!

After reading your sad post, it is safe to say that you have been treated horribly by your husband.

I am in agreement with others, it is time to end your pain and leave.

Be Strong !!


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