# Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so



## jj jones

I came to this forum looking for some guidance so please bear with me. About a month or so ago it seems my wife began exchanging text messages with a younger male co-worker of hers. My wife is in a management role at her work and this guy is not but works in a different department. The reason I first found the texting is I was looking at our cell phone bill online and noticed about a dozen or so text messages being sent to an area code outside of our own and any of people we knew. When I asked her about it she said it was a guy at work who was interested in moving into her department and he wanted to ask her some questions about it. I didn't think much of it but I noticed this week on our latest bill that they have continued texting on an almost daily basis. Some of the texts were on the weekend around midnight or 1am. 

I feel extremely frazzled at the moment and don't know how to approach this. I know this cannot be work related. My wife and I are both in our late 20's, have been married for 5 years and have two kids, a house and a seemingly good life. He is a single guy in his mid-20's that I have met on one occasion. I don't like the feeling I have.

I thought I might be overreacting but after looking at a large nunber of threads on this site it sounds like this is how alot of affairs (emotional and physical) started. 

What would be the appropriate way to handle this? I honestly want to tell her I don't want her to text this guy anymore.


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## Eli-Zor

Your wife is engaged on an emotional affair,there is a plan to follow. Tonight confront her advise her you know she is in an affair, she stops now and ceases all contact in and out of work. She will say she is not , she will lie, she will deny, she will say they are working together, she is following a script . Do NOT doubt yourself. Affair persons have the ability to convince you there is no affair and you as the betrayed spouse will want to trust her. Trust your instinct.


Unless you are able to obtain copies of the text messages she will continue to deny this , be calm , resolute , no anger and especial no fear . Your only comment is she is in an affair and she has to cease all contact with immediate effect. Walk away and do not say anything else. Your behaviour must be such that she is worried what you are going to do. 

Never disclose your next steps and learn to keep quiet , smile , your very action should cause her discomfort. 

In the interim you obtain and secure his number, find out if he is has a girlfriend , who his parents and friends are. This one is a challenge obtain her company email list with as many of her and his co-workers names and email addresses .

If you have the constitution call him and ensure he know you know he is in an inappropriate relationship with your wife, make it clear you will fight for your marriage and will do everything to protect your wife and family be it at his work or on his private life, do not debate close the call and say bye.

It is easy to falter and look for reasons to believe this is innocent, dispel that theory now.
Post regularly and we will guide you through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corkey88

I have had a very similar experience to what you have described. The only difference being that it was my gf and she was not only "sexting" with a co-worker but sending him naked pics of herself. 

It is an emotional affair, pure and simple and there is no denying it. I agree with the previous poster, you tell her it ends now, no more contact with this guy at all! She needs a bottom line. 

Secondly, you want to move toward complete transparency. That means cell phones, Facebook accounts are open to either spouse. Does she have a Facebook page? I almost guarantee that this guy is a "friend" of hers on there. 

Hang in there. Hopefully you have caught this before it went any further than texting or "sexting". You will be hurt when the truth comes out but at least you will stop wondering what is truly going on.


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## jj jones

Thanks. I am still in a bit of a state of disbelief. I am glad I found this site and will try to post regularly as much as possible.


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## Jellybeans

Tell the the communication wth him stops TODAY. 

Tell her if it doesn't, you will not be around as a husband and will take action to protect yourself and your kids since right now she is not showing their best intersests.

GET HARDCORE PROOF. It sounds like an affair for sure.


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## Married&Confused

I'd be curious as to whether the late night texts are back and forth or just from him.

If they are just from him and the texts in general are not several each day (you mentioned "almost on a daily basis" and a dozen on a one-month phone bill), I think you do more harm than good by jumping to the conclusion that something is going on. My son texts me in the middle of the night. Younger people have strange sleeping habits.

If she is responding in the middle of the night, then I think you have the right to question it.


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## jj jones

Married&Confused said:


> I'd be curious as to whether the late night texts are back and forth or just from him.
> 
> If they are just from him and the texts in general are not several each day (you mentioned "almost on a daily basis" and a dozen on a one-month phone bill), I think you do more harm than good by jumping to the conclusion that something is going on. My son texts me in the middle of the night. Younger people have strange sleeping habits.
> 
> If she is responding in the middle of the night, then I think you have the right to question it.


Sorry if it was a bit confusing. Our cell phone bill cycles in the middle of the month, so the dozen or so messages were from about the beginning of February to mid-February. That was when I brought it up initially just out of curiosity. 

But between mid-February and this week, the texts have been almost daily. There have been afternoons where they exchange 10-15 texts back and forth. There has not been more than a day or two without at least one exchange of texts. The ones at found after midnight were back and forth not just from him.

I actually exported our bill into a spreadsheet and summed her texts by number. The only person she texted more last month than this guy was me. She has texted him more than her mom and her best girl friends, who she texts alot.


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## Eli-Zor

Trust your gut.

Your route is as follows:

Confront her first and then follow Plan A. 





> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> 
> Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
> 
> Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
> 
> Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
> 
> Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
> 
> Stop lovebusting behaviors.
> 
> Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
> 
> Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
> 
> Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
> 
> Offering forgiveness and understanding.
> 
> 
> The stick of Plan A
> 
> Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
> 
> Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
> 
> Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
> 
> Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
> 
> Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
> 
> Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
> 
> Standing up to infidelity for the good of the family.



Your next step in plan A is to expose after you have confronted, it will help you immensely if you can get hard evidence, a voice recording, copies of emails or the text messages.

Load a keylogger on your home PC, get a VAR look up flexispy for mobile phones. 

Catch Cheating Spouses with FlexiSPY - Spy Phone, GPS Tracker, Location Tracking, Remote Listening for Mobile / Cell Phones


Follow plan A as well as you can and do not let your guard down. Never tell her or let her know what you are doing.

Call her mother and let her know her daughter is in an EA , definition below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair


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## twotimeloser

THink of this as the "check engine" light being turned on. You are concerned about your marriagel, what is wrong with that? When we get married, we become one, so you have a right to ask and inquire as to the nature of these texts. Look at the picture messeges data. any sent or receieved? That would indicate more. 

Express your concern. Show up to take her to lunch a few times and check out the situation. There are a lot of ways to investigate this without being overbearing. 

If the texts suddenly stopped, look for a pre-paid phone, but do not get obsessive. 

If you want to be more assertive here... say so. There are ways to do that. I am not going to jump to "Affair" but if you ask to look at some emails or check her phone for your peace of mind and she denies you that.. then she is hiding something. Privacy is different than secrecy and secrecy has no place in a marriage. Two become one... the end.


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## MrQuatto

A few other points. If the phone account is in your, or both of your names like a joint account, you can get copies of the texts from the service provider. IF it is her work phone, then not likely. Also, as was aluded to before, chances are it is also online. There are a variety of keyloggers that are reasonably priced. I would suggest you find one and get a week or more of evidence before you confront her.

Once you do, with evidence in hand, she will lay the blame for the situation, entirely on you so be prepared for that. It is part of the "script" you will hear about and there are many posts here describing the script and such so a little browsing may help.

Good luck, I know it sucks but it is not without a chance to redeem.

Q~


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## paramore

twotimeloser said:


> Privacy is different than secrecy and secrecy has no place in a marriage. Two become one... the end.


This is so true, keep in mind, she can delete specific things from her phone, as my husband did. Tread carefully my friend.


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## russ101

It is not appropriate him to be texting her at midnight, nor is it appropriate for a married women to text a single guy at this hour, PERIOD. I can think of no excuse that she could give you that this guy would need to text her in the middle of the night that is work related. You need to tell her that you think that this guy has more that work related issues on his mind when he is texting you. You also need to tell her that she needs to stop all contact with him because of this. 

If it were me, I would tell her this then I would drop it and secretly (at least for a while) watch her by installing keylogger on my computer, trying to get copies of the texts that were sent, and also monitor if she still continues to keep in contact with him. If she also steps out for a "girls night out" or is not a work at lunch, or anything out of what you would consider "normal activity", I would either hire a PI, or have a friend follow her and she what she is up to. 

I think you are absolutely right to believe something is up. If it is not already, then it will be very shortly. Most married men I know would never put up with their wives texting single men on a regular basis, let alone in the middle of the night.


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## russ101

I forgot to mention that just from the sheer number of texts that have been sent back and forth, this has gone beyond work related and at the VERY LEAST has developed into a friendship. She cannot deny this, and if you tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this relationship, she should respect your wishes as her husband, and stop all contact with him. This is most definitely a reasonable request to make


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## Babyheart

This is what happened with my husband & a married woman where he works. They work very closely together so I never questioned the need for them to communicate. They got bolder & bolder as time went on (about 3 months) & it turned into a PA. 
You need to put the kibosh on this NOW.


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## Simon Phoenix

Take it from a guy who had this happen to, only to find out that the two of them were knee-deep in an affair. I was the poster child of how NOT to handle a situation like this. Do not DO NOT allow this to continue because it will (not might but WILL) lead to a PA. Simply bring it up in passing and install a keylogger when you get the first chance. If there is a laptop in your house, odds are good that she used that to communicate to him as well. She might have used a FB, MySpace, Yahoo, or Hotmail account; the keylogger will get you all of her passwords, so you can see wray she's been hiding behind your back. And if your name is on the cellphone account, get the text records. Whatever you do, if you find some inappropriate stuff, make hard copies in case she denies everything and starts purging her texts and e-mails. At that point, you might have to get an attorney involved. 

Hate to agree with the rest but when something like this is found out, there are normally layers of other stuff that you later find out about. Just prepare and protect yourself...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

How is your intimacy and sexual life going with your wife?
To prevent a further EA isn't not carrot or stick. Ask yourself if you have been taking good care of your wife and fulfill her needs or she's living in a sexless marriage?
Look into the root issue that cause her EA.
EA is very complicated and hard to handle, including women themselves. 
So as a husband, and when you SUSPECT your wife's loyalty, not only those sms records, but also WHAT SHE LACKS in marriage, should be investigated. 
Be very careful how you confront her. I believe you read many threads already. Many husbands lost their wives after confronting wife's EA.
She might choose to check out the marriage like most the wives here, so pls handle this case with caution.
If you're not sure, better spend more time in observation, meanwhile, show yourself a great man that she's married to, when she has belief in her husband and marriage, she will reject this man automatically, instead of being told by you to cut off contact with him, which result you want?


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## HurtinginTN

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It is extremely hurtful and painful. Yes, it is at least an emotional affair. My wife's has gone on for about 9 months. For most of the time, I bought the "just friends" story. Perhaps if I had trusted my gut early on, the outcome may have been different. Here are a few tips and mistakes I have made.

Listen to Eli-zor. 

Don't tell your wife too much. Don't let her know your next steps. Don't mention this website to her. This should be a refuge for you. There are plenty of us here in the same situation. It helps to know you are not alone.

What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. There is much more hidden than what you currently see. I still continue to find more iceberg.
Having proof of more is a must, in my opinion. Your copy of texts definitely show an inappropriate relationship. The proof is as much for your sanity as anything. It will be harder for her to manipulate you into believing it is innocent.

My situation is not good, so I can't give too much advice. These are just a few things I wish I had done differently.


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## kenmoore14217

What I find most fascinating are the female stories about their WWH or WWSO and the hard line that they take. These gals IMHO, are the ones who recover their dignity and self worth the fastest!! It’s a take no prisoners attitude and it’s great. They are completely willing to throw him out and shut the door behind, not because they don’t love him but because they do love him so very much! They know that the way to absolution is tough, tough love. Its shock therapy at its best. The only equivalent I can think of from the male perspective is filing for divorce; however most males do that as a last resort and most of the damage due to infidelity is already done! And that seems to be the problem; guys vacillate back and forth between doing something and not doing something and end up doing it half azz. I wish you well and pray things work out.


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## forever learning

I am in a similar situation......I had an affair a year ago that lasted a little over a month. Lost my mind and wanted a divorce, the wife fought hard for us, then I got back on board its been a up and down battle. Thats the super short version.

Anyway during the time of the affair this person and my wife became close....he is engaged, and she says its just a friendship. 

They have texted alot in the past but I don't know how much they do it now, I still think its alot, I just choose not to look at the bill to see how much....She only texts him at work and doesnt do it at home...she says she wants to respect me and not do it front of me.....
Its hard to take..


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## jj jones

I don't have time to post all of the details but I had a discussion with her regarding what I found over the weekend. It basically went as I suspected. She said she was surprised that I was looking up who she texts and she said that "99% of the texts were work related". When I asked her about the late night texts, she said that sometimes there are people at work until 1am. (My wife is in retail management). According to her if he has a problem at work he texts her instead of going to a manager on duty. She said she didn't even realize they were texting every day and that he always initiated conversations. This honestly makes me feel like he is pursuing her. I asked her to please stop contact and tell him to find somebody else to help him if she is at home and he is at work.


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## aeg512

I really have a problem with your wifes reply. Sounds like BS to me. Why would he be texting someone that should be asleep and wake her when a manager is on duty? Did your wife let you take a look at the text that were on the cell phone? I think you need to tell her after thinking about it you are more confused. The problem is now she has had time to delete any messages and will be carefull in the future. However, if she would really want to ease your mind she could ask the other worker to provide documentation that shows that he was at work at the late hours or even the name of the manager on duty for you to call. The thing is you would want the name and call the place of business yourself to find out when you could contact him, not the time and number they give you.


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## Grayson

aeg512 said:


> I really have a problem with your wifes reply. Sounds like BS to me. Why would he be texting someone that should be asleep and wake her when a manager is on duty? Did your wife let you take a look at the text that were on the cell phone? I think you need to tell her after thinking about it you are more confused. The problem is now she has had time to delete any messages and will be carefull in the future. However, if she would really want to ease your mind she could ask the other worker to provide documentation that shows that he was at work at the late hours or even the name of the manager on duty for you to call. The thing is you would want the name and call the place of business yourself to find out when you could contact him, not the time and number they give you.


Also, most, if not all, carriers' bill detail will indicate whether a text was incoming or outgoing. Can come in handy if debunking the, "He texted me first." argument is necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

jj jones said:


> I don't have time to post all of the details but I had a discussion with her regarding what I found over the weekend. It basically went as I suspected. She said she was surprised that I was looking up who she texts and she said that "99% of the texts were work related". When I asked her about the late night texts, she said that sometimes there are people at work until 1am. (My wife is in retail management). According to her if he has a problem at work he texts her instead of going to a manager on duty. She said she didn't even realize they were texting every day and that he always initiated conversations. This honestly makes me feel like he is pursuing her. I asked her to please stop contact and tell him to find somebody else to help him if she is at home and he is at work.


And you bought it hook, line and sinker? 1AM, comon, even you can't be that gullible. If she's telling you the truth then tell her to show you all of the texts. Or even better, with certain providers you are able to get copies of the text messages if they store it on their servers. If your name is on the account you can get the copies easily. If only your wife is on her phone account then it'll be harder but doable if you keep at it.

Remember, not all carriers will store the texts on their server but it doesn't hurt to ask. Do not confront her until you can gather more proof, make it seem as though you've bought into that crap that it's all work with texts coming in at 1am.

Always trust your gut feeling. Good luck to you, btw if you can and do get a hold of copies of the texts, steady yourself because you most likely won't like what you'll see....


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## PBear

Next time, ask her to see the texts. You can see how many there should be, and how many there actually are. If she's purging the text history, that's a big red flag right there. If it's all innocent, there should be no problem helping you feel better. Even for the 1% of non-work related texts.

C


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## baldmale

Unless she shows you the texts, she is lying. I would install a program like like flexispy on her phone so that you can see the content of these "innocent" texts. Good luck.


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## NotJustMe

jj jones said:


> I don't have time to post all of the details but I had a discussion with her regarding what I found over the weekend. It basically went as I suspected. She said she was surprised that I was looking up who she texts and she said that "99% of the texts were work related". When I asked her about the late night texts, she said that sometimes there are people at work until 1am. (My wife is in retail management). According to her if he has a problem at work he texts her instead of going to a manager on duty. She said she didn't even realize they were texting every day and that he always initiated conversations. This honestly makes me feel like he is pursuing her. I asked her to please stop contact and tell him to find somebody else to help him if she is at home and he is at work.


This is a textbook smokescreen of a reply. Right about now she is off in another room wiping her forehead and telling herself (and perhaps texting him) the words "Whew! That was a close call, looks like he bought it."


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## Babyheart

Had the same line of sh!t from my H. I know you don't want to ask to see the texts but you have got to. If she gets defensive, you know what's going on. My H gave me the whole "its my work phone, there's nothing in there. Don't I have the right to privacy" load of [email protected] 

Or maybe you are best installing flexispy if possible. I know it feels terrible to have to spy on them, but you gotta do it.


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## aeg512

Another thing you may want to ask her is what does the person in charge think of the fellow texting her to ask her questions when the person in charge is the one responsible. I was in management and this would never have been allowed.


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## jj jones

I asked her the other day about seeing the texts and she showed me all of them since a certain date. She had deleted all of her texts about two weeks ago. Not just from him but from everybody.

She has agreed to not text him any longer too by the way. This is work related or otherwise. I will continue to monitor her texting history.


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## jj jones

Babyheart said:


> Had the same line of sh!t from my Or maybe you are best installing flexispy if possible. I know it feels terrible to have to spy on them, but you gotta do it.


I will look into it as well.


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## Grayson

jj jones said:


> I asked her the other day about seeing the texts and she showed me all of them since a certain date. She had deleted all of her texts about two weeks ago. Not just from him but from everybody.
> 
> She has agreed to not text him any longer too by the way. This is work related or otherwise. I will continue to monitor her texting history.


Keep an eye on her behavior and demeanor, as well. Now that they know you're aware of the texting and can check the text history on the bill, if they're intent on continuing communication, they can easily move to other methods: email, Facebook, instant messaging, etc. Just keep a watchful eye and trust your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf359

like a new pay as you go cell phone, that she has in the bathroom. That is what happened to my good friend, right after he confronted her about about her texting at night with the good friend. 

:bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:


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## Chrono

jj jones said:


> I asked her the other day about seeing the texts and she showed me all of them since a certain date. She had deleted all of her texts about two weeks ago. Not just from him but from everybody.
> 
> She has agreed to not text him any longer too by the way. This is work related or otherwise. I will continue to monitor her texting history.


Are they text messages or picture messages? Texting at 1am is not work related, sorry.

Keep looking at the phone records and try to see if there are any picture messages between the two.


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## MrQuatto

wolf359 said:


> like a new pay as you go cell phone, that she has in the bathroom. That is what happened to my good friend, right after he confronted her about about her texting at night with the good friend.
> 
> :bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:




I would tend to agree. Now is the time for diligence. If you have joint checking or credit cards, you'd best be monitoring the payout over the next few months for new phones, laptop, ipad, etc. Also get a keyloggers on all your home computers sooner than later. It will save you in the long run.


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## what am I to do

jj jones said:


> Sorry if it was a bit confusing. Our cell phone bill cycles in the middle of the month, so the dozen or so messages were from about the beginning of February to mid-February. That was when I brought it up initially just out of curiosity.
> 
> But between mid-February and this week, the texts have been almost daily. There have been afternoons where they exchange 10-15 texts back and forth. There has not been more than a day or two without at least one exchange of texts. The ones at found after midnight were back and forth not just from him.
> 
> I actually exported our bill into a spreadsheet and summed her texts by number. The only person she texted more last month than this guy was me. She has texted him more than her mom and her best girl friends, who she texts alot.


This puzzles me, how do you know which number she is texting. When I check my H Bell mobility bill it doesn't say where the text are sent and who is sending them. Is there a way of finding out?


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## PBear

what am I to do said:


> This puzzles me, how do you know which number she is texting. When I check my H Bell mobility bill it doesn't say where the text are sent and who is sending them. Is there a way of finding out?


I'm with Telus, and I can see who the text messages were sent to in my online account pages...

C


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## jj jones

Chrono said:


> Are they text messages or picture messages? Texting at 1am is not work related, sorry.
> 
> Keep looking at the phone records and try to see if there are any picture messages between the two.


I looked. Just text messages, no pictures.


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## Again71

I am in the same boat and probably am not the right person to give advice because I have a mess of my own. I made the mistake by having a meltdown when I really wanted to do more investigating. Now, because I let him know I know, it only opened the door for him to be more discrete. I believe in my situation he has bought a prepaid cell. I think he keeps it in his work locker or maybe his work car, not sure but I firmly believe he has one; checking his cell phone and log won't do any good for me. So my advice is: don't do a freak out like I did, I would just secretly be aware of what is going on, keep track of everything, then when you get enough evidence, confront her again. Yes, I said secretly which is a bad word in a relationship but she started the secrets. I also think they all make critical mistakes eventually. 

Good luck.


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## jnj express

Hey jj----there may actually be nothing going on---BUT----I think your gut is telling you different otherwise you wouldn't be here

IMHO---this texting is way out of line--to be business related
Even if this guy is trying to get into your wife's dept. at work---how many questions can you ask---how many situations need to be discussed----giving it an enlarged out of proportion number of texts that should refer to work---what would you say 50 to 75---but we are talking about 12 to 15 a day for a couple of months THAT YOU KNOW OF

These weekend---middle of the night calls---your wife is "BSing" you if she says they are work related

You have confronted---she has shown you texts you were meant to see---BUT it is very possible at this point she is deep underground with this guy

What you actually do know just could be only the tip of the iceberg---You have a major problem in that they work together----how do you REALLY know what is going on at work between them

There needs to be NC---there needs to be total transparency---but if your wife remains at work with this guy---that ain't happening

You could go to the companies HR, dept. and say the guy is texting your wife at all hours of the night, and you think he is trying to break up your mge

It is obvious he is pursuing her hard---and she is allowing it to happen----you need to put a stop to all contact tween them

Be very wary---use a tracking device , and a voice recorder---and try to discreetly get info. as to what is really happening

Do not confront again until you really know where this all stands---but be on your toes---or your mge. is gonna go up in smoke


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## Gio

I am in the same exact boat. First off me and my wife are in our mid and late 20's and we have 3 kids together and have been married for 3 1/2 years and have been together for 10. Due to financial reasons my wife got a job in November. We never have the same days off any more and she lost a ton of weight at her new job of loading trucks. So she started to go out to the gym with her girlfriend from work. I have always trusted my wife. At first she would come out after a couple hours after she gets off work. It has been turning into 3-4 hours now at the gym. I periodically check my monthly usage on our phones and seen that she was sending a bunch of text messages to a number i didnt know. So i looked at her phone and that number didnt have a name so i scrolled to the beginning of the conversation and it said "Hey this is Crystal this is my new phone #" So I let it go and didnt look back into her phone. Then the next month i looked back at the cell phone usage and i seen my best friends number on there almost as much as mine. So i came at my wife in the wrong way about it and she said there was nothing going on he would just see how she was doing or how the kids were and mind you she doesnt like my friend that she tells me anyway. So i texted my "best friend" and he stated the same thing just innocent text messages or what kind of concerts we wanted to go to in the summer or what not. Then I noticed he was texting her at 6 am and stuff and i asked my wife and she stated that he would always text her good morning how are you today. So i reached to this friend and told him to go **** him self and stay away from my family. Then i asked her if she had contact with any other male friends on text and she said no and that she would never do anything to hurt me and i believed her. Then I actually looked up the # that she said was her girlfriend and was registered to a male co worker of hers and also found out his address which is right around the corner from the gym she is going to and neither of these are close to home. She works about 35 minutes from our home so i came at her again out of anger and fear and she told me those 2 work friends were going out with each other. So i left it alone for about a month then i went on her facebook page and seen she would search this guy everyday for the past 3 months and would like a lot of his pictures and comments then i added a gps on her phone but never worked because the phone company sent her a text advising i am now able to track her and she turned the location setting on her phone off she asked what that was and i lied about it which was very wrong on my part to do so after the fact. Later that day i almost followed her from work to the gym but just couldnt bring my self to do that. So i attacked her again and she told me she was tired of be accused of this and that i dont trust her and wanted to leave me because of the way i am and I told her if i didnt trust her i wouldnt have been comfortable with her going to the gym with someone i dont know. To be clear i was a horrible husband and father to my kids. I would always lash out at her and shut her away when she knew something was wrong for year and years and i also had a bad drinking habit that she tried to talk to me about but i always thought that i make the money you stay home and do everything else. She was going to leave with the kids if i didnt get help. So i went to a doctor to get help and get put on medication for my anxiety and depression that i have had for years. The next day she said Today we had a real good heart to heart talk and she told me that she does text this guy from work and that its nothing and that i dont really care because i came to that conclusion and understanding that I drove her away for so many years and put her through so much pain and suffering for so long that I cant blame her for wanting to be with someone else or have feelings someone else. She says nothing ever happened and that he is just a friend that she talks too and that she loves me and only wants to be with me but told me we have to be able to reconnect emotionally and just over the past few days its been awkward around each other. I guess I am just at a crossroads on not knowing what to do. I love her more than anything and dont want to ruin my family because both of is come from broken homes with no fathers and i cannot let that happen again this time to out family we have together. I guess the only thing you can do is really look deep down into yourself as to how this got here and if you 2 really love each other then you have to find a way to make it work. I dont know how i am going to reconnect with my wife but i am going to try my hardest to get back to where we were


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## Peter453

I had a similar scenario; My girlfriends of two years had just started a new job as a software product manager, she came home dead drunk shortly after midnight after their staff Christmas party talking fondly about a guy called X and what a great dancer he was. Shortly after coming home she passed out and her phone signaled several text messages from her colleague, which I read while she slept. The messages ranged from 'thanks for a great time', 'wish you were here' and 'still drinking' at 05:00 in the morning. It turns out that he was a junior developer in her department, he was 24 and she was 38 at the time. I chatted to her in the morning about it and she denied any wrongdoing, but then started fingerprint locking her phone and kept turning her screen away from me when messaging. A few months later after I overheard her talking fondly about X to a friend and mentioning his great physique. I then became very suspicious and managed to get into her phone - there were literally hundreds of messages exchanged between them, very little work related content and mostly friendly and personal chats, the worse was that she actually sent him messages while lying next to me in bed. I then scrolled back to the Christmas party messages to find that they had been deleted. Knowing that she was up to no good now, I took screenshots of several chats and mailed them to myself. One in particular thread stood out 'Going to the car, meet you there' during one workday. I then asked her if she ever went with him anywhere during the day which she firmly denied and when I showed her the incriminating screenshot, she admitted that they go to gym together sometimes and claimed to have forgotten when I confronted her about the lie. She promised to cut comms, but one evening out at a restaurant with friends I noticed a strange vibe and asked her why she was constantly on her phone, she told me her daughter was having some personal issues. I waited for an opportunity when she was distracted and tilted her screen over while she was mid message, no real surprise it was the same guy. I then checked her email and found that she had registered on an internet dating site, she claimed that she had been a member some time before our relationship and that her subscription had recently reactivated by itself, recently being three months’ work of mail and most messaged showed up as read. To cut a long story short, I broke up with her shortly afterwards and she then started going around to friends accusing me of abuse and spying on her. I feel ****ty for looking into her private comms, but as a previous poster mentioned: privacy is one thing, but secrecy and lies can kill a relationship.


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## SasZ79

Zombie Thread from 2011.


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## MattMatt

Peter453 said:


> I had a similar scenario; My girlfriends of two years had just started a new job as a software product manager, she came home dead drunk shortly after midnight after their staff Christmas party talking fondly about a guy called X and what a great dancer he was. Shortly after coming home she passed out and her phone signaled several text messages from her colleague, which I read while she slept. The messages ranged from 'thanks for a great time', 'wish you were here' and 'still drinking' at 05:00 in the morning. It turns out that he was a junior developer in her department, he was 24 and she was 38 at the time. I chatted to her in the morning about it and she denied any wrongdoing, but then started fingerprint locking her phone and kept turning her screen away from me when messaging. A few months later after I overheard her talking fondly about X to a friend and mentioning his great physique. I then became very suspicious and managed to get into her phone - there were literally hundreds of messages exchanged between them, very little work related content and mostly friendly and personal chats, the worse was that she actually sent him messages while lying next to me in bed. I then scrolled back to the Christmas party messages to find that they had been deleted. Knowing that she was up to no good now, I took screenshots of several chats and mailed them to myself. One in particular thread stood out 'Going to the car, meet you there' during one workday. I then asked her if she ever went with him anywhere during the day which she firmly denied and when I showed her the incriminating screenshot, she admitted that they go to gym together sometimes and claimed to have forgotten when I confronted her about the lie. She promised to cut comms, but one evening out at a restaurant with friends I noticed a strange vibe and asked her why she was constantly on her phone, she told me her daughter was having some personal issues. I waited for an opportunity when she was distracted and tilted her screen over while she was mid message, no real surprise it was the same guy. I then checked her email and found that she had registered on an internet dating site, she claimed that she had been a member some time before our relationship and that her subscription had recently reactivated by itself, recently being three months’ work of mail and most messaged showed up as read. To cut a long story short, I broke up with her shortly afterwards and she then started going around to friends accusing me of abuse and spying on her. I feel ****ty for looking into her private comms, but as a previous poster mentioned: privacy is one thing, but secrecy and lies can kill a relationship.


Peter you did the right thing. She wasn't worth your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan

Your wife has gas lighted you good and proper. She knows full well how much they have been texting and texts at 1am in the morning are definately not work related.

You have confronted and exposed now. Albeit i feel a soft confrontation, but she knows you are on to her.

Now you go into stealth mode. She will take precautions to cover herself and ill bet money she does continue to contact him. She will take it underground.

Buy and install a VAR in her car and be on the look out for a burner pre paid phone. 

Im sorry you are going through this. Most here know your pain.


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## Marc878

jj jones said:


> I asked her the other day about seeing the texts and she showed me all of them since a certain date. She had deleted all of her texts about two weeks ago. Not just from him but from everybody.
> 
> She has agreed to not text him any longer too by the way. This is work related or otherwise. I will continue to monitor her texting history.


JJ
You can recover those deleted texts by downloading them. There are apps available to do that. There's a thread on here with all the details. You'd know the truth real quick. At least you'd have peace of mind. 

Is she protective of her phone? There are big red flags here. 

Good luck


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## TDSC60

Guys 

JJ Jones the OP has not been on this thread since March, 2011. He had a satisfactory conclusion and has gone.


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## manfromlamancha

TDSC60 said:


> Guys
> 
> JJ Jones the OP has not been on this thread since March, 2011. He had a satisfactory conclusion and has gone.


Yeah 6 months after this she dumped him and they are divorced. He never knew why!


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