# Ex stepdaughter- feel horrible



## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

My husband and I each have a son we love dearly and have done our best to blend the family. But his ex wife had a daughter when they got together, and...I guess I’ll need to explain..

He had just turned 18 when he met XW. She’s older and had an infant daughter. He never had a dad and instantly was suckered into playing daddy to this baby (whose father was in and out of the picture). He never adopted her and she carries the last name of bio dad. They broke up many time (she had a second daughter who was adopted by a family member who also was not my husbands child during one of their breakups ). My husband loved this little girl and raised her as his own, even though his marriage was incredibly toxic. My husbands love for this little girl kept him hanging on even when he was miserable (Ive known him my whole life, so I know this to be true). She was his princess. 


Post divorce, his ex used the daughter to get my husband to jump through her hooos. She could dictate when he saw her, where he took her, and who she was around. If he was giving ex wife extra money and not dating any women, he could see the daughter. If not, she didn’t allow her or his son to go anywhere. 

When the daughter became a teen, she started filming husband all the time and sending videos to her mom for “court”. She prevented him from ever being alone with his son because his son didn’t know what he wasn’t allowed to tell my husband. when my husband and I got together, the daughter told me her dad was all kinds of a bad man, drunk,abusive,cheating,etc. because “her mom thought I should know the truth”. I told her I was sorry she’d been brought in the middle of adult issues and that she didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her.

My husband finally decided that the daughter was no longer welcome (she’s almost 17 now) because she only wanted to see him when she could cause trouble. He loves this child so much, but he recognizes that her mom has poisoned her against him and she is being used as a spy. 

Now his ex has my husband pinned as this horrible person who threw away a child after 16 years (they split up six years ago). That’s not quite the full story, but it looks good on paper. 

Part of me feels bad for this child. She must not understand. Part of me thinks the guilt trip is orchestrated because kids at 16-17 aren’t really concerned with their parents anyway (she never even answered his calls for example).

Another part of me is kind of relieved. And I hate that side of me. I hate acknowledging that I didn’t want some part of his ex to be in my family anyway. I hate that I feel happy that he chooses me and us over this family from his past. (I should note that her bio dad is now a part of her life too). It’s immature and awful. But at I really alone in that feeling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you have good reason to be relieved. Toxic is toxic. Some 17 years olds have a knack for being very toxic. your son 

Does husband's son still come over and spend time at your house? How old is the son?

I had some siliar issues with the ex-husband's adopted daughter. He had adopted her when he married her mother (his 1st wife is her mother). It got to the point where we had to cut her off entirely. She was causing so many problems. It's been about a decade now and we seldom hear from her. She's clueless, has no clue that she did some really bad things. That's her burden. My life and my son's life are better for not having to deal with her.

Life is just too short to put up with being abused. It sounds like your husband tried to do a good thing by being like a father to her. She is too young to realize that she is lucky to have so many people who love her. Maybe one day she will wake up. But don't hold your breath.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you have good reason to be relieved. Toxic is toxic. Some 17 years olds have a knack for being very toxic. your son
> 
> Does husband's son still come over and spend time at your house? How old is the son?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the validation. It’s tough separating what is good and right versus what I want. Yes, stepson (11)finally has been coming and staying like he is supposed to, partly because now she has no leg to stand on (before she could say her daughter wasn’t allowed to go somewhere or be around someone and he would never just take his son without her ). Now stepson seems really happy and can finally be himself without worrying about keeping secrets to protect his mom (I’ve also assured him that we would never use him to get information just to hurt her anyway. We aren’t like that. Unless there’s abuse or neglect, the rest is for the adults).

I’m glad your SD is no longer causing your family stress. Toxic is toxic and my belief is that we need to protect the younger children we have first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MorningRoll said:


> Thanks for the validation. It’s tough separating what is good and right versus what I want. Yes, stepson (11)finally has been coming and staying like he is supposed to, partly because now she has no leg to stand on (before she could say her daughter wasn’t allowed to go somewhere or be around someone and he would never just take his son without her ). Now stepson seems really happy and can finally be himself without worrying about keeping secrets to protect his mom (I’ve also assured him that we would never use him to get information just to hurt her anyway. We aren’t like that. Unless there’s abuse or neglect, the rest is for the adults).
> 
> I’m glad your SD is no longer causing your family stress. Toxic is toxic and my belief is that we need to protect the younger children we have first.


I agree, focus on the younger children. It sounds like the children will be better without her around. Hopefully she will grow out of this mindset. Life often has a way to doing that.


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