# what should i do?



## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

So lately i have been feeling very distant from my partner. we have been together for 7 years, and we have a 5 year old daughter together. I sometimes resent him a lot and blame him for the way our lives are turning out. He is very jealous, and controlling. If i have a day off from work, he is too busy to spend time, but if i decide to leave and visit someone (friends, and family) he either wants to go and rush me to leave the whole time, or he will stay home and call be every 20 mins, and if im gone for more then 2 hours he starts an argument about it. when i tell him "i dont have to visit anyone i will spend time with you and talk" he says okay like he is happy and then he ignores me when i talk and watches t.v. and if i continue to try to get him to respond, then he will leave. i dont know what his problem is. i just know im becoming more distant and resentful of him, and pushing him away when it comes to sex, and cuddling. what should i do?


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

nobody has any advice? i dont know if i should stay or go. lots of thought racing in my mind. isnt it funny when your on the outside looking in, you have all the answers, but when its you with your feelings and life on the line, you dont know a damn thing?


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Have you talked to him about it in a calm, rational way- presenting it as a serious issue that you are experiencing and you want his thoughts on the subject?

I could "say" a lot of stuff- but if he isn't know how you are feeling, how can he alter his behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

i tell him all the time, how i feel and that he is making me resent him. but he says he has better things to do then to worry about my feelings. that i should get over myself, or he isnt going to be with me. im afraid to talk to much because it seems to push him away.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Boy. There's your answer, right? 

Would he try counseling? Would you go by yourself?

Or, my gut reaction...

So- which will it be? Stay together with a mate who doesn't respect you and threatens that if you don't knock it off he will leave you or find your "metaphorical" balls and make a better life for yourself and set a good example of a healthy relationship for your daughter? Would you want this for her when she grows up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

*needaunderstand* said:


> i tell him all the time, how i feel and that he is making me resent him. but he says he has better things to do then to worry about my feelings. that i should get over myself, or he isnt going to be with me. im afraid to talk to much because it seems to push him away.


That answers your question loud and clear. I would probably offer marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, I wouldn't continue to remain a prisoner in my own home.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Find out if there's something external to the relationship really bothering him.. Work? Stress? Money?.. All of these things can cloud a man's mind and blind him to his own relationship and his spouse's needs. Whatever you do, don't step out. Get to the bottom of it. Men don't admit freely when they are having a personal crisis in most cases. He's also feeling the "push" and if he's like I was before my eyes got opened, he has no idea why, and only knows that you are pushing him. His jealousy is saying I care about you, and love you, but something is preoccupying his mind and stressing him out. I went through this stage myself. I loved my wife, got over worked about real life, didn't communicate, and **** went south badly, and only now are we reconnecting. Women don't have to think about love to feel it whereas men compartmentalize it. He needs some serious self discovery, and whatever you do DON'T have an affair because he obviously DOES love you, and that will destroy him to the core. Just take the time without prejudice to find out what's bothering him, and if necessary take some MC together. I bet with some good communication skills, open eyes, and both of you making the pull together and remembering you're both human, instead of the push against each other you'll avoid the mistakes that led to total devastation of my spouse and my lives, and now we're at ground zero trying to rebuild out of pain.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why would you allow your self to be treated like that? 
Stand up for yourself and your child. 
He is telling you he can't make an effort to be in a relationship. Call his bluff, or things won't change. The next time he speaks to you like that, ask him, "So when will you be leaving"?


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

i want to but i feel like it may be to late. im going to give him that final conversation and try my best to let him know how serious i am. if he still wont listen then i might need to move on. i love him, but when we started our relationship, my attraction was our emotional connection and our talking and having a true best friend. now that he doesnt offer what i need. im slowly losing feelings for him and i know if i wait to late, then we wont be able to be friends for even our daughters sake when it is over. i will get back to all once conversation has been done.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

By the way I'm not condoning or excusing his behaviour as it's wrong, just as I know mine was wrong, and have no excuse for things I had done. I'm simply learning how to be a better man and taking time to improve in areas I had no idea about. Self discovery for the health of my family. Please understand that you can regain those feelings of emotional attraction easier and faster than you can lose them if he is prepared to make the right choices.. It's actually not too hard to make new deposits into someone's love bank and bring them back if you're willing to do it without withdrawing from it. This applies both ways. I know right now you feeling nothing.. My spouse felt the same. Want to know what she says now?

"I made the biggest mistake of my life" and I know now what I had to lose. He needs to wake the hell up. 


My advice.. DONT cheat.. Just deattach for a week completely. He probably will wake up. Make him get some good books and start reading. I don't read but I'm reading them now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Controlling is the key word in this. I'm not an expert on dealing with controlling men but I'm sure there are books on the subject. If I were you that's where I'd start. 

He sounds abusive to me and that needs to be dealt with asap otherwise it just gets worse. I had a controlling dad and he treated my mom just like you are being treated. It was awful and she just took it.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

yeah i feel like im giving up so much to please him but he doesnt do the same. i dont get to see or talk to friends. but his come over and he goes to their house all the time without me bothering him. i sometimes feel like he is pushing me away and wants it to end. but then he does the jealous controlling thing and it confuses the hell out of me. im beginning to become more aware of people around that i never really noticed before.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

*needaunderstand* said:


> yeah i feel like im giving up so much to please him but he doesnt do the same. i dont get to see or talk to friends. but his come over and he goes to their house all the time without me bothering him. i sometimes feel like he is pushing me away and wants it to end. but then he does the jealous controlling thing and it confuses the hell out of me. im beginning to become more aware of people around that i never really noticed before.


My wife just read this and says this 

"I went through all of this. Don't do it. It will be the biggest mistake of your life, and you will realize after."

The grass is only green where you water it. 

Back to me again.

As a male I personally suspect something not even relationship is what's actually going on in his head, but he feels disconnected and has no idea how to fix it.

15 minutes on the phone with this guy feeling my pain of what I've gone through because of a situation like this and I bet I could have his eyes open to what "COULD" happen.

My wife again says don't make the worst decision of your life based on emotions that won't last forever.

Many people here are anti working things out, BUT since you're in a spot where you can be repaired IF he's willing to wake up.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

*needaunderstand* said:


> i tell him all the time, how i feel and that he is making me resent him. but he says he has better things to do then to worry about my feelings. that i should get over myself, or he isnt going to be with me. im afraid to talk to much because it seems to push him away.


If you are telling him all the time he is controlling and jealous, he's probably not listening by now. Really, he can't make you resent him, you are the one who owns your resentment and resenting him is a choice you make.

If he isn't going to be with you because you trouble him with your feeling then let him go, but don't let him go away untroubled. You have nothing to be afraid of here, whether he comes or goes is probably about the same to you. But you owe it to him and yourself what you tell us. You want to have friends. You want him to spend time with you and be in a good mood when he does. These are reasonable requests and you should make them nicely and firmly


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

i have decided, that im going to give him space. i suggested that we have a week were we dont bother each other. we go to work, spend time with the daughter like normal, but spend our spare time without one another. but keep our time apart right. not with anyone the other disapproves of. he didnt like the idea, but i reassured him and in a way he seems pleased and said im going to bug him the first day. but im not going to. im going to stick to the week so he can see what he is missing and how differnt things are. it will be hard and he doesnt think it will really work, but i know he will miss me talking then. if he doesnt and enjoys not having me around then we really dont need to push it any father or try and make it work. i will keep all updated with the going on's. that you all for your advice and support. really needed it for that extra push before i would really hate him.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Good luck with the new arrangement.

I"ll leave you with a football analogy. What makes a player great is not how he reacts when things are going well, the greatness comes from how he reacts when everything is going wrong.

Even if things at work are stressfull, or there are other things on his mind, I believe what makes a man is the ability to put that aside, suck it up and be a good husband and father.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Hmm... Well, sounds like it sucks. 

My first guess at trying to fit it into an MMSL framework was does this guy have beta behavior deficiency? Is he just not a nice enough guy to provide a secure future with you?

I thought further and wondered, is this guy having some sort of insecurities? 

Talking about feelings done in certain ways can come across as accusatory or critical. If you invite him to share his feelings, how have you responded when he's accepted the invitation? 

You mention getting into arguements. Have you retorted when maybe you should've listenned? Has he done this? 

Your plan to give eachother space for a week.. What is the goal?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I saw in another thread that you're bipolar? I've talked to a lot of bipolar people who say their significant others act very controlling. It's often because they are afraid of what you'll do if they're not keeping an eye on you. It's a struggle for those of us with bipolar family members so keep it in mind. But my wife who is bipolar is also overly-sensitive to being treated in a controlling manner so make sure you're not doing that as well.

Also, I don't know your relationship or what it has been like, but is it possible he's trying to do a 180 on you?


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

i know being bipolar can make things harder in a relationship, but i dont react the way i used to. all my dislike for him has made me able to not react because i dont have any real personal feelings anymore. i ask his feelings and i tell him that he doesnt need to worrie that i will not judge him. i even start by telling him how i feel so that he may be more comfortable with talking. it has been a total of 24 hours since our talk to be distant, funny thing is it seems to all be the same. i never relized that we dont really care what each other does as long as im at home. i dint really care what he does if it doesnt affect me in a bad way like, not helping with daughter, cheating etc. and he doesnt seem to care what i do as long as im home. not sure this is a very good relationship. starting to think he just feels stuck. not sure, but this isnt looking long term anymore.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

also im still hoping that he might come to the relization that i have and might decide to change for the better, or at least decide what should be done next.


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