# he just keeps doing things behind my back. should i take it?



## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

the past few days I have been upset with my husband since I saw on his phone that he text someone at midnight and also texted another person about a party. Today I finally confronted him about it while he was at work at he told me the person he text at midnight was some girl he didn’t know. his excuse was he thought he was deploying and wanted pen pals like the last time he deployed(we weren't married the last time he deployed). So he got this girl's number supposedly from some guy in his unit. 

Am I supposed to be ok with this? 

Backtracking, he wasn't always honest with me throughout our relationship. 

1) He had created another MySpace account behind my back and was telling people we were going to breakup. I found the account and confronted him and we broke up. Well we got back together and got married. 
2) After moving in with him I caught him lying about not smoking. He promised he would stop smoking and chewing but he didn’t. He was dumb enough to not check if he had chew in his teeth before he came home.
3) Also after moving in together he was talking to this one girl from high school, which he used to like, behind my back. one day he forgot his cell phone at home and I was being nosey and saw that he was texting her. I wouldn't have been mad if he hadn't put her under a guy's name. I found out it was her because he addressed her by her name in a text. I was mostly sad because he wouldn’t really text me while at work but he was texting and calling her. 

Forward to today:
After getting really mad at him and making him give me his email password I found emails in an account he hasn’t used in a while. He only gave me one email account password and said the other wasn’t active anymore. I checked and it was. I went through the emails and saw that 13 days before we got married he replied to a few people's craigslist personals postings and told them he wanted to meet up and such. There was also an email in regards to an adult personals site.

I have no idea what to do. I have been cheated on too many times before and I told myself I wouldn't take it anymore. He said he has never cheated on me, but how could I believe it with all this? He never tells me anything or admits to anything unless I bring it up. I would be forgiving if he would just admit to me what he's done, but he never does. Should I try and work things out with him or just leave. The last time I was in a relationship where I was cheated on it ended up being an abusive relationship. Also to put in to consideration, I just gave birth to our first child. If I want to just leave and go back home to a different state I can’t, right? He is saying he doesn’t want me to leave, but I’m thinking it's just because of our kid and he is afraid of never seeing him again. He only mentions how he doesn’t want to lose his kid and such or asks "what about the dogs?” He isn't apologizing or anything; he just keeps saying how he doesn’t want me to leave.


what would you do if you were in my situation? i would like to sit down and talk to him but i'm just soo hurt. also he isn't going to be home for another week because of work.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like he is really into attention and getting it from people, women for the most part.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

You need to talk to him and get HIM to put himself into your shoes. Explain to him how this makes you feel. In my opinion, omission is the same as lying, too. Ask him where you stand in your relationship. Is he just with you now because of the baby? Does he love you and want to be with you?

Be prepared, you may not like the answers you get, but at least you'll know where you stand then. Then you can make your decision on what you want to do.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wow...did my ex get remarried already? All jokes aside cause I know it's not funny...but mine did the same thing... lied about texts, sent and received them at inappropriate hours, changed a password to an email account 2 years after I'd created it for him...created a MySpace and Facebook account after we separated and after he'd spent 5 years talking about how stupid both sites were...

Sounds like your husband doesn't like himself enough and lacks the ability to love himself enough on his own to love you and feel comfortable enough w/just you. Sounds like he likes/needs/wants attention from multiple women in order to feel like a man...sad and so not good for a reltionship/marriage. 

Lies and deceit are not good, especially from someone you love. Not sure what to tell you to do other than to talk to him and make it very clear that you cannot and will not put up with it and let him decide from there what he's going to do. He can either fix it or get the f* out. Before he f*'s you up beyond repair, which sounds like you're halfway there already.

Sorry for the long response. This one hits home w/me and I know all too well how much it sucks and hurts.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Honey, whatever is going on with HIM, its inside of HIM, and has very little to do with you. It sounds like he has self esteem issues and is seeking validation from other people. He can come off as the most confident person in the world, but it really DOES sound like he needs the constant ego stroking that comes with knowing other women are into him to really feel good enough. The problem is, that feeling only lasts for a little while, because HE does not feel it himself. That was my husband a while ago. My H entered counseling because he really DID want to change, and finally get his issues worked out. If your H is still in the pattern of lying and placing blame elsewhere, you're in for a long road, IF you decide to stay. My H had to hit his rock bottom, sounds like your H will to also.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

since he's in the field right now it's not like we can sit down and talk about this. i'm thinking about going to the chaplain today to see if i can figure out what to do. i'm texting him but mostly what i get is him saying he never cheated on me. like that makes what he did ok. i told him how i felt and asked where i stood in the relationship. i also asked if he considered my feelings all the times he's gone behind my back. he wrote back with " your first in my mind and heart" and when i asked if he just liked attention form people he said "it must have been for the attention because i was never going to cheat on you." i felt like i really didnt get answers and if he wasnt going to cheat on me how come he was telling people from craigslist he can be the guy they are looking for and for them to meetup?


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

i dont get why he's doing this especially because his ex wife cheated on him. he tells me he did nothing wrong in the relationship and made it seem like she was just a bad person. i'm guessing now that there must of been two sides to the story. did she ruin him or something to where he's afraid of a repeat so he needs to feel good about himself by getting attention from others? i gave him his first freakn child and he honestly doesnt seem to want to just hold his own kid unless i ask him to. he keeps telling me he loves me and doesnt want me to leave, but i'm only because of our baby. for some reason he deleted his text to the girl on his phone. so is he trying to hide things thinking i'm gonna use them against him?


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

Rhea said:


> make it very clear that you cannot and will not put up with it and let him decide from there what he's going to do. He can either fix it or get the f* out.


i told him this exactly just right now. just waiting for a response


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

My ex's first wife cheated on him too, until then he was always the cheater...but apparently her cheating on him didn't give him the realization he needed. He swears he didn't cheat on me...but gut feeling in me speaks otherwise...now that I look back. I know he did cheat once we separated (and yes it's still cheating to me because although separated we were still married)...but anyway.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

i'm also just hurt because the majority of my pregnancy he seemed less to non intimate with me. once i give birth he is on me like a teenager. i'm hurt because he wasnt imtimate with me during the majority of my pregnancy. but he would always hint toward other sex alternatives that would basically only benefit him. when i confronted him the other day, he said it was because of my discharge during pregnancy that made him not want to be intimate. i was thinking wtf? i was here pregnant with his child and his reason to not have sex was this lame excuse.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

when i asked him what he considered cheating he said anything sexual. but in my eyes anything emotional is still cheating.


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