# Not So Sure About Dating or How to Anymore



## JustFree (Sep 17, 2014)

Been separated from soon to be ex wife for 4 months. Just got legally separated 2 weeks ago. In my state you have a 1 year waiting period but being legally separated is as good as divorced as far as doing anything you want except getting remarried, (no problem). Anyway, I can not see myself asking anyone out. It is not as though I do not want to, I just can't imagine it. From what I think is that it seems that nobody wants to go near you if you do not have a good amount of time being out. Also I am not that bold as to go up to women and asked them out. I don't have a problem talking to them and I am a very fit person so I am not repulsive but I am just not that bold. Anyone else been here or have an opinion. I hear from time to time that it will happen and no worries you will find some one. I just do not see it.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

JustFree said:


> Been separated from soon to be ex wife for 4 months. Just got legally separated 2 weeks ago. In my state you have a 1 year waiting period but being legally separated is as good as divorced as far as doing anything you want except getting remarried, (no problem). Anyway, I can not see myself asking anyone out. It is not as though I do not want to, I just can't imagine it. From what I think is that it seems that nobody wants to go near you if you do not have a good amount of time being out. Also I am not that bold as to go up to women and asked them out. I don't have a problem talking to them and I am a very fit person so I am not repulsive but I am just not that bold. Anyone else been here or have an opinion. I hear from time to time that it will happen and no worries you will find some one. I just do not see it.


IMHO, I would wait for a while. Until your head clears and you are good with D. Like most of us, there is a healing time and it will ebb and tide a bit in this arena.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

go out with friends, date in groups

you can date w/o the commitment fear

you're dating, not selecting homes


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

You'll know when you are ready. Don't overthink it. When you miss the companionship of a woman, ask someone out. Like Chuck said, no LT commitment is necessary.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Bottom line, if dating is your goal, then you must learn to be bold. Pick up this book:

Models: How to atract women through honesty and kindness by Mark Manson.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

The reason you are having these thoughts is because you are not ready. There will come a time when you will be ready and you will be able to approach a woman, smile and flirt. And it'll feel natural and good. That is when you will be ready.

Edit. Took me almost a year. It is different for everybody, but it will happen.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

JustFree said:


> From what I think is that it seems that nobody wants to go near you if you do not have a good amount of time being out.


I think you are right about this. I truly try to stay away from situations where it is all fresh for the person. A lot of recently separated people ask me out and I am just not down for that. That is just my personal boundary though. Maybe if you hang out in groups, as suggested above, you will meet some interesting ladies along the way.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l think just about all of us in this section of Tam have been there don't worry.
But for a start, 4mths , stop worrying about that [email protected] right now . Really , you need to heal and find your feet in this new world , figure out what you want to do. IMO you need a yr at least but preferably 2 .
Personally l've met quite a few girls only a few mths out and l've literally told them they shouldn't be even out there yet and left them to it. It's crazy and they've been nowhere near ready . l can't even figure out wtf they were doing out there.

But really , as far as someone new goes later, you'll be beating them of with sticks believe me . The biggest problem is overload especially with online dating now


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My state is the same way. I always felt they needed a waiting period between the time a couple files for a marriage license and the wedding. But after being on TAM and hearing reconciliation stories and the ones where people rush into relationships after, the year of separation is a good idea, too, as much as some of us want finality.

It will take a while. Just do your normal things. Develop some old hobbies or find some new ones. For a lot of people meetup groups are nice because it's in a group of people, not dates, but it's a good way to meet people you otherwise wouldn't encounter. Get a good guy friend to join a group. It can be a married friend if the group isn't' just for singles (most aren't).

And welcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time. 

I felt like you OP--it took me forever before I even entertained the idea of actually dating in any sort of capacity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I truly try to stay away from situations where it is all fresh for the person. A lot of recently separated people ask me out and I am just not down for that.


Me, too. I don't do married or separated/going through divorce/fresh off a break up.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

From my own personal experience I would advise a good amount of time to work on healing from the divorce. So many people try to find comfort in another relationship that they fail to deal adequately with the failure of their marriage. Attending a Divorce recovery group was very helpful for me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

There are a few D recovery groups in my area. I chose not to attend them.

But I have heard they are fantastic (ex co-worker runs one). He stated

several people attending the program... met their next spouse there.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You should definitely wait a bit longer before you begin to date.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

A lot of people think they should go right out and start dating because they're "supposed to", or someone told them to "move on", or perhaps sleeping alone is "too lonely". If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Give it time.

Do some self-reflection and spend some time "being you".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

movealong said:


> A lot of people think they should go right out and start dating because they're "supposed to", or someone told them to "move on", or perhaps sleeping alone is "too lonely". * If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. *Give it time.


:iagree:

So many people told me "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone" and I just looked at them like I they had three heads. I was not in a place emotionally at all to be sharing genitals or making out with people. I felt SO un-sexy. LOL.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Seriously, everyone has their own timeframe.
If you cant see it, then dont worry.

The worst thing you can do is force a connection out of some hidden or unaddressed need. Never works out well.

Take the time to age a little and get super comfy in your own skin.
Its a worthwhile investement.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

when you are looking for someone, you will never find anything

the moment you stop, they fall in your lap


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Seriously, everyone has their own timeframe.
> If you cant see it, then dont worry.
> 
> The worst thing you can do is force a connection out of some hidden or unaddressed need. Never works out well.
> ...


:iagree:

On another note being vulnerable can also lead to manipulation by the "new"date. Can one suffer this pain after after a "D"? 
I know this can happened as I had front road seats to this type of show.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

whitehawk said:


> l think just about all of us in this section of Tam have been there don't worry.
> But for a start, 4mths , stop worrying about that [email protected] right now . Really , you need to heal and find your feet in this new world , figure out what you want to do. IMO you need a yr at least but preferably 2 .
> Personally l've met quite a few girls only a few mths out and l've literally told them they shouldn't be even out there yet and left them to it. It's crazy and they've been nowhere near ready . l can't even figure out wtf they were doing out there.
> 
> But really , as far as someone new goes later, you'll be beating them of with sticks believe me . The biggest problem is overload especially with online dating now


:iagree:

I was in a LTR.... As time moves on, my understanding of what this site (TAM) has to offer increases. The advice is good ... I am actually enjoying my new life as I have never been single before. For me taking a bit of time is great advice.


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