# My husband smacked me



## brittany12 (Nov 14, 2012)

I have been married for 4 months, we have been together for over 2 years. We have kids form previous marriages. My son messes around with my husband and sometimes touches him in his face when they are goofing around. Well my husband ran and washed his face and I told him it was rude. What is his son touched me and I ran to the bathroom to disinfect myself? He got all pissed off and in my face and said it is something he always does even if his son touches his face. He then said "what if my son hit you in your face?" and smacked me. My son and him were messing around, and didnt "hit" him, he touched him. anyways, I was shocked he smacked me. He has always had a temper, never has it become physical with me though. He has hit the walls when we were dating, and does get loud when arguing, but this was out of the blue. Do you think this is just the beginning or just a bad night?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

After he hit you what did you do?

What you did after he smacked you will determine what he will do in the future.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brittany12 said:


> He has always had a temper, never has it become physical with me though. He has hit the walls when we were dating, and does get loud when arguing




I''m not surprised he's always had a temper.

Did you say anything to him? It's not acceptable for a man to hit or smack his wife ever.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> After he hit you what did you do?
> 
> What you did after he smacked you will determine what he will do in the future.


:iagree:

He used to lose his temper and punch walls and now he's broken the ice by smacking you. Next time it will be more than a smack. Do you really want to wait to find out whether that smack will involve you or your son?

He's crossed a boundary that no one (male or female) should ever cross.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

This is just the beginning.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh hell no.

Put your foot down NOW. If you don't, he'll get it in his head that you're okay with being treated like that.

I should have left my ex the first time he smacked me but I didn't. It became years of physical abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Why does he have so much animosity toward your little one? How do you think that makes your child feel that his stepfather runs to the washroom like a little girl whenever your son touches him?? And getting in your face about it because you asked a perfectly reasonable question??? seriously?! Then slapping you?

This wasn't just a bad night.This is just the beginning. The guy sounds like an abusive time bomb set to explode.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Oh hell no.
> 
> Put your foot down NOW. If you don't, he'll get it in his head that you're okay with being treated like that.
> 
> ...


Yes, this. Tell him if he ever hits you again, you'll leave him. Let him know it is unacceptable at any level.


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## brittany12 (Nov 14, 2012)

I told him not to touch me. Then I was the one that ended up saying sorry. Which I now know was wrong.

He has a problem with my son because we have sons that are the same age (11) and I get a lot of compliments on how well behanved my son is (not bragging) and his sons is a terror. (I do love him So he has a problem with that.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with others here. This is definitely not a good sign and there will be more coming. This is just the beginning. It sounds like he needs some anger management counseling.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

brittany12 said:


> I told him not to touch me. Then I was the one that ended up saying sorry. Which I now know was wrong.
> 
> He has a problem with my son because we have sons that are the same age (11) and I get a lot of compliments on how well behanved my son is (not bragging) and *his sons is a terror*. (I do love him So he has a problem with that.


hmmm, wonder where he got that from? like father, like son.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Not cool. Your husband has issues. He probably feels disrespected by your son putting hands on his face but he totally overreacted by putting hands on you. 
He now has disrespected you and now showed your son and his son its OK to hit women. That sucks that he did that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm happy to say I've not been in this situation. Being involved with violent men haven't been my thing. That said, I've run this scenario in my mind a few times and being the type of person I am, I'd know exactly what to do next if ever it happened to me.

Let's just say it involves him being severely injured within minutes after his hitting me. I'm a fighter. I will fight a man if I have to. He would think twice about doing it again because the consequences would be laid out for him as clear as a pane of glass. You put your hands on me again your ass is going to jail if I don't half kill you first.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm happy to say I've not been in this situation. Being involved with violent men haven't been my thing. That said, I've run this scenario in my mind a few times and being the type of person I am, I'd know exactly what to do next if ever it happened to me.
> 
> Let's just say it involves him being severely injured within minutes after his hitting me. I'm a fighter. I will fight a man if I have to. He would think twice about doing it again because the consequences would be laid out for him as clear as a pane of glass. You put your hands on me again your ass is going to jail if I don't half kill you first.


LOL

I was actually thinking, "I wonder what he would have done if she'd have hauled off and smacked him back twice as hard." but I didn't think it would be helpful. But I did relish picturing the look on SO's face after that happened.


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## brittany12 (Nov 14, 2012)

I like your thinking "a bit much". I felt like hitting him trust me! 
I am not sure what he would of done.

I do not want my sons seeing this thats for sure. and they didnt. I hope it does not happen again. Its bad enough that when we fight I try to move it to another room so they dont have to hear us. and he says "they are gonna hear us!" I grew up in that kind of household, and my kids wont. So if it continues, I need to do something. He is so sweet otherwise though. The perfect husband.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm happy to say I've not been in this situation. Being involved with violent men haven't been my thing. That said, I've run this scenario in my mind a few times and being the type of person I am, I'd know exactly what to do next if ever it happened to me.
> 
> Let's just say it involves him being severely injured within minutes after his hitting me. I'm a fighter. I will fight a man if I have to. He would think twice about doing it again because the consequences would be laid out for him as clear as a pane of glass. You put your hands on me again your ass is going to jail if I don't half kill you first.


You would think that, but until you're in a position where someone much bigger and stronger than you comes after you the realization that fighting back is futile sets in.

I would have always thought I would have fought back, too. Ya know, a swift kick between the legs. Never happened. I was too fvcking scared he's get up and kill me in a murderous rage. You think more about calming him (like the OP did by "apologizing"). You think about appeasing him and getting his mind off of the anger. Anything to stop the violence. Becoming violent will only be seen as a challenge and I learned that the hard way. If they weren't going to hurt you before, they sure as hell are going to make you pay if you fight back.

Aside that, many abusers will turn the tables on you and report YOU for being violent against THEM.

Looks good in a fantasy, but life is not like the movies. Sh!t like that will get you seriously hurt. Much more than a smack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Hitting you is just not acceptable..... If he ever does it again, or even threatens to, report him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I love my parents and they're divorced and remarried to wonderful people, but I saw some knock down drag out fights between them. 

One in particular comes to mind when they were fighting and my father raised up on my mother to hit her. They were in their bathroom, and at the moment his hand was coming down, she stabbed him with a pair of hair cutting shears. It went through the soft space between his thumb and forefinger on his right hand. I was 15 and had to drive him to urgent care to get stitches.

Let's just say he never raised up on her again. I have no idea if he had done it before or not, but he never threatened her like that again.

I guess this is why I think like I do. I'm going to defend myself first and foremost, then take it to the next level so that you know for sure you will NEVER succeed in trying to control me in that way.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> You would think that, but until you're in a position where someone much bigger and stronger than you comes after you the realization that fighting back is futile sets in.
> 
> I would have always thought I would have fought back, too. Ya know, a swift kick between the legs. Never happened. I was too fvcking scared he's get up and kill me in a murderous rage. You think more about calming him (like the OP did by "apologizing"). You think about appeasing him and getting his mind off of the anger. Anything to stop the violence. Becoming violent will only be seen as a challenge and I learned that the hard way. If they weren't going to hurt you before, they sure as hell are going to make you pay if you fight back.
> 
> ...


Thing is about me... I don't fear a man like that. Maybe it's psychotic but I'm telling you with every fiber of my being we'll both be dead if that's what it takes.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Besides that, they have to sleep sometime....


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's not "fearing a man". It's survival.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Call the police. I am sure jail is full of women who fought back, fully justified. A Bit Much your 100% right in your feelings. Bravo to you but I think in OP situation with no history a night in jail might be the best option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> It's not "fearing a man". It's survival.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like I said, I would do whatever I needed to do to survive. Including kicking his ass and leaving him lying there bleeding. He just doesn't need to start with me. Don't start none, won't be none.

And yes... he has to sleep sometime. 

The key is to NOT be with a man like this to begin with. There are always signs. Always. Like the OP, she was aware of his violent streak before this happened. He showed her who he was already. She's choosing to stay knowing the risk of doing so.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I don't condone violence, not even against an abuser. Only exception being when it is truly a life or death situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My husband is in law enforcement (guns in the house!!! lol) and he would prefer and recommend a night in jail. Jail is a great cure for men like this.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I hope she leaves before their kids grow up to be wife-beaters. 

Not trying to be harsh, OP, but they will learn from these examples. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I hear a lot of people say they stay for the kids. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of them?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> My husband is in law enforcement (guns in the house!!! lol) and he would prefer and recommend a night in jail. Jail is a great cure for men like this.


Maybe. Jail didn't work for my ex. Not the first, second or third time. I was dumb and kept taking him back when he got out. When he tried to kill me I was gone for good. He got out over a year later and broke into my house when I wasn't home.

He doesn't know where I live now. Thank goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thing is about me... I don't fear a man like that. Maybe it's psychotic but I'm telling you with every fiber of my being we'll both be dead if that's what it takes.

Then we are both psychotic. 
Seriously this is just the beginning. Get yourself some help to learn how to stay safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm a firm believer that a man sizes you up and knows exactly what he will be able to get away with in the relationship. From the very beginning this goes on. 

My husband is a very big man... 6' 6" and 280lbs. He could crush me like a twig if he wanted to, but you know what? He respects me and worships the ground I walk on. I'm little compared to him, but I carry a big stick. I make it real clear from the start, don't mess with me OR my kids or you will have hell to pay. We've been married 10 years and never have even raised our voices at each other. 

Respect goes a very long way and it has to be there from day 1.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

yuck.

I would tell him anger management classes or your out of there and if it ever happens again that you will call the cops!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

brittany12 said:


> I have been married for 4 months, we have been together for over 2 years. We have kids form previous marriages. My son messes around with my husband and sometimes touches him in his face when they are goofing around. Well my husband ran and washed his face and I told him it was rude. What is his son touched me and I ran to the bathroom to disinfect myself? He got all pissed off and in my face and said it is something he always does even if his son touches his face. He then said "what if my son hit you in your face?" and smacked me. My son and him were messing around, and didnt "hit" him, he touched him. anyways, I was shocked he smacked me. He has always had a temper, never has it become physical with me though. He has hit the walls when we were dating, and does get loud when arguing, but this was out of the blue. Do you think this is just the beginning or just a bad night?


I can tell you in over 40 years with my wife I never once laid a hand on her. Believe me there were a handful of occasions when she pushed me near to the limit. But on those occasions I found I actually internalised my anger until I could get to a safe place where I could let it out.


Your husband let his anger out by slapping you. I ask myself what is he going to do when he is really angry?


For my mind he needs to know that what he did to you was exceedingly serious and could be the beginning of a very slippery slope. If I were you I would find an MC experienced in violence in marriages and go and see them for an hour or two, enough time so you can make clear to them what the particular situation/history is in your marriage.


Then ask your husband to spend time with you and the MC. His answer will speak volumes to you, as to whether he goes or not. If he doesn’t go I think you can expect more of the same as time goes by and probably worse.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wait..........

He HIT you and you're still there?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> You would think that, but until you're in a position where someone much bigger and stronger than you comes after you the realization that fighting back is futile sets in.
> 
> I would have always thought I would have fought back, too. Ya know, a swift kick between the legs. Never happened. I was too fvcking scared he's get up and kill me in a murderous rage. You think more about calming him (like the OP did by "apologizing"). You think about appeasing him and getting his mind off of the anger. Anything to stop the violence. Becoming violent will only be seen as a challenge and I learned that the hard way. If they weren't going to hurt you before, they sure as hell are going to make you pay if you fight back.
> *
> ...


:iagree:

I'd never been in an abusive relationship before and certainly didn't see any red flags. Once he felt safe enough to start to try and control me, however, there were lots of red flashing lights. Although the OP had had a glimpse of her H's temper, abusers are generally manipulative predators, and don't always show their true colours until it's too late.

When I was physically assaulted by my ex-abuser, I gave him a darned good whack back. He then laid a charge against ME for assault! Fortunately for me, it didn't stick because he abused the police officers who escorted me back to the property to collect my belongings, and HE was then arrested


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You're very lucky. My ex tried to claim that once even though I didn't even fight back!

He also knew how to abuse me so that it wouldn't leave obvious marks or bruises - after a while. At first I documented them, but he wised up to what I was doing and he got careful.

I was dumb and I stayed thinking it would get better, but it never did. We were together for a few wonderful years before he lost his mind. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I would sit him down tonight after the kids are in bed, look him straight in the face and tell him that him doing that was unacceptable behavior, and if it ever happens again, you will leave. Let him know that you will not be an abused wife. Use those words so he knows. Don't let him rug sweep this. For that matter, don't rug sweep it yourself- he "smacked" you.... No, he lost his temper and hit you. Be firm on this.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> You're very lucky. My ex tried to claim that once even though I didn't even fight back!
> 
> He also knew how to abuse me so that it wouldn't leave obvious marks or bruises - after a while. At first I documented them, but he wised up to what I was doing and he got careful.
> 
> ...


Sorry you went through this, too, Yin. They'll go to great lengths to blame shift whilst getting their fix. Mine placed on record with his doctor that he was suffering from night terrors and was afraid of hurting me in his sleep. Nothing like waking up screaming with pain because your ribs are being prised apart, or because you're getting punched in the head and donkey kicked. I guess he also cut my hair in his sleep, too. I developed mysterious tufts of hair at the back of my head!

Seriously, OP, the longer you're with someone like that the worse he'll become. I was only with mine a year, but 4 years later and I still have health issues as a result of his madness.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, what do you mean smack?? On the bottom? On the face? Fist or palm? I presume since its an issue that it was done with intent to hurt you.

I will admit that one time right at the beginning of my marriage, not long after moving in together, my (now ex) w was pushing me around, I was getting frustrated over something and just needed space (can't even remember what) I warned her to give me room and when she kept getting in my face I slugged her hard on the arm. I am quite ashamed, I'm not a violent person at all, in the 7 years that followed I have never hit anyone since, at the time it was not even a conscious choice, I wasn't even angry it was just a defensive reaction. Part of it was learning to share personal space with another person...

So i would say if your H is not an abusive person and has never shown a disposition to hit anyone before then give him the benefit of a doubt - however be wary, and look for violent or controlling patterns. If he feels the need to wash his face after someone touches it, let him that is his own personal boundary and I too can feel uncomfortable, even my own child - I find it disrespectful to have hands up in my face without my consent, though children haven't learned that, and if they were play wrestling that kind of contact happens and shouldn't be a big deal. So don't make it a big deal - it is a big deal though if he is abusive.

edit: actually, after reading cosmos account of sleep habits, there were a few times now that I think of it where I also reacted defensively... when I would sometimes snore she picked up a pattern of elbowing me (quite hard) in my ribs until I stopped snoring (ie woke up) - on a couple occasions before I was even completely awake I would throw a hard elbow in that direction, one time I got her in the back of the head hard, she was angry, i don't know if either one of us was fully awake, but I just gotta say elbowing each other is not cool.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My 1st husband has a bad temper. He got physical once. I got a bruise & took pictures of it & showed him. Told him if there is a "next time" 911 would visit. The next time he got in my face, I started to dial the phone. It was the last time.

OP - you need to be firm on this. No 2nd chances. Tonight tell him that 911 will be called if there is a next time.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> My husband is in law enforcement (guns in the house!!! lol) and he would prefer and recommend a night in jail. Jail is a great cure for men like this.


A night in jail does not make an abuser stop. 

After my ex spent a night in jail, I ended up with (over the course of the next 2 years):

1. Many cracked ribs
2. Broken nose x2
3. Black eyes x4
4. Bruises (countless times)


My advice to the OP - run, don't walk to file a restraining order. Get you and your kids out. You've already said he has a violent temper, hits walls, etc. These are not behaviors that will fade on their own. He needs to get himself together and get some help but you should not keep you and your son in an environment where either of you are very likely to be harmed.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

You need to leave him. It will happen again, get out now before he puts you in the hospital, or worse.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

brittany12 said:


> I have been married for 4 months, we have been together for over 2 years. We have kids form previous marriages. My son messes around with my husband and sometimes touches him in his face when they are goofing around. Well my husband ran and washed his face and I told him it was rude. What is his son touched me and I ran to the bathroom to disinfect myself? He got all pissed off and in my face and said it is something he always does even if his son touches his face. He then said "what if my son hit you in your face?" and smacked me. My son and him were messing around, and didnt "hit" him, he touched him. anyways, I was shocked he smacked me. He has always had a temper, never has it become physical with me though. He has hit the walls when we were dating, and does get loud when arguing, but this was out of the blue. Do you think this is just the beginning or just a bad night?



I think it is just the begginging and will more then likely get worse. Him hitting the walls when you were dating should have been a red flag. 

I also have a pretty nasty temper (but i have learned to control it over the years.) Just because he gets pissed off he does not have the right to put a hand on you.

Abuse does get worse over time. 

Here is what the cycle looks like-

Phases of the cycle

The cycle usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship.[3] The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "making-up" and "calm" stages may disappear.

1: Tension building phase
This phase occurs prior to an overtly abusive act, and is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension, and fear of causing outbursts in one's partner. During this stage the survivors may attempt to modify his or her behavior to avoid triggering their partner's outburst.

2: Acting-out phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor), with the use of domestic violence.

3: Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.[1][4]
Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviours of the Honeymoon Phase perpetuates the abuse because the survivor then sees that the relationship isn't all bad.

: Calm phase
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.

Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Food for thought

My ex hit me for the first time 3 months after we started dating. From that point on it got worse. At the end if I would have stayed any longer he would have killed me. At the end he would chock me until the point of me passing out. I spent 4 years of my life with him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Wait..........
> 
> *He HIT you and you're still there?*


:iagree:

OP,
Its time to send this man packing.
His anger problems have absolutely nothing to do with you.

He is a clear and present danger to you and your sons.

*Do NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO HIM, he is an ADULT.*
Do not wait for him to hit you a second time.
It would be worse.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> A night in jail does not make an abuser stop.
> 
> After my ex spent a night in jail, I ended up with (over the course of the next 2 years):
> 
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It may not stop all men but it is an option to try. 

I'm sorry you went through such hell. I have to ask why you would be with a man for two years that would beat you like that? I would never be any mans punching bag.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> It may not stop all men but it is an option to try.
> 
> I'm sorry you went through such hell. I have to ask why you would be with a man for two years that would beat you like that? I would never be any mans punching bag.


It's easy to say that we'd 'never' do anything but when you've built a relationship with someone and they've essentially groomed you for the circumstances, it really isn't as easy to get out as it would seem. We lived in a rural area where I had NO family and NO friends. The closest women's shelter was 2 hours away - what a joke! During this time, neighbors and coworkers would see my bruises and hear him beating me - not one person stepped in or called for help so I knew there would be no one to back me if I tried to throw him out. 

So, I finally begged my parents for a ticket and moved back to my their house, he followed. He had one more chance and after that blew up, I finally had the support behind me to get rid of him. 

Abusers don't pick on people who are strong and have strong support systems. They cull the weak from the herd, cut them off from others and then slowly start the process.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

brittany12 said:


> He is so sweet otherwise though. The perfect husband.


There is no amount of "perfect" that can make up for abusive behavior.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I see a few things in the OP. 

1. You were wrong in following to the bathroom and belittling him. It doesn't make it ok for him to lash out physically, but you play a role, too. It's not bad that you apologized, but an apology doesn't mean that you're willing to accept such behaviors from him, either. You need to make sure he understands this clearly. 

2. If you wouldn't let a stranger do it to you, don't let your husband do it, either. Be prepared with a plan for what you will do if there is even one more instance of violence - a place to go, and an understanding of how you'll be able to ensure that it *never* happens again.

3. Tell him he had his one and only freebie when he struck you. Tell him that you aren't trying to force him to seek anger control classes, but that if there's ever a recurrence and he failed to get the skills to prevent it, you will hold him accountable and will leave. Mean what you say, and be prepared to follow through. Tell him this at a calm moment and do not argue over it.

4. Get yourself into some individual counseling or find another way to recognize the ways you are belittling and criticizing him. That's one half of the problem.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> It's easy to say that we'd 'never' do anything but when you've built a relationship with someone and they've essentially groomed you for the circumstances, it really isn't as easy to get out as it would seem. We lived in a rural area where I had NO family and NO friends. The closest women's shelter was 2 hours away - what a joke! During this time, neighbors and coworkers would see my bruises and hear him beating me - not one person stepped in or called for help so I knew there would be no one to back me if I tried to throw him out.
> 
> So, I finally begged my parents for a ticket and moved back to my their house, he followed. He had one more chance and after that blew up, I finally had the support behind me to get rid of him.
> 
> *Abusers don't pick on people who are strong *and have strong support systems. They cull the weak from the herd, cut them off from others and then slowly start the process.


Exactly what I said earlier. They pick you. They see your weakness from very early on. I suppose that's why I've never had a man raise his hand to me.

And as hard as it was, you did get out. You say he had one more chance? I'm telling you there would be NO more chances with a person like that for me. Hell to the NO.


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## brittany12 (Nov 14, 2012)

First of all- I'm sorry for all of you that have gone through this. Thanks for the advice.

And second WOW- that cycle of abuse id scary. I texted him at work yesterday. A simple text that said "btw, dont ever slap me again". His response was "Sorry, I was just trying to get my point across, wont happen again". So it was that cycle. He said sorry, but he felt No remorse really, you could tell. Now its calmness. 

He is not that much "bigger" than me, so I think I could take him lol I am not big either, I am 5'9" and about 130. and he is 6' and like 170. He is a stick of a man. Its just that I do not even WANT to be in the situation TO HAVE to take him ya know. I know you all say to leave and that seems to easy. But we are married and have kids involved now. Its really not that easy. I wish you could be in my shoes. I really am hoping he will change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brittany12 said:


> I told him not to touch me. Then I was the one that ended up saying sorry. Which I now know was wrong.


You are an abuse victim. You've likely been programmed since childhood to be a victim, and so you attracted an abusive man.

Get out NOW. And get to a therapist asap so your son doesn't grow up watching his mom pick abuser after abuser (and turn into one himself).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brittany12 said:


> I grew up in that kind of household, and my kids wont.


He already is. You're just making excuses because you don't want to give this man up.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

brittany12 said:


> First of all- I'm sorry for all of you that have gone through this. Thanks for the advice.
> 
> And second WOW- that cycle of abuse id scary. I texted him at work yesterday. A simple text that said "btw, dont ever slap me again". His response was "*Sorry, I was just trying to get my point across, wont happen again*". So it was that cycle. He said sorry, but he felt No remorse really, you could tell. Now its calmness.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brittany12 said:


> I really am hoping he will change.


And why would he? He got to hit you and you did nothing. Except say don't do it again.

If nothing else, he should be sleeping on the couch for a week.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

turnera said:


> You are an abuse victim. You've likely been programmed since childhood to be a victim, and so you attracted an abusive man.
> 
> Get out NOW. And get to a therapist asap so your son doesn't grow up watching his mom pick abuser after abuser (and turn into one himself).


:iagree:

Men with explosive tempers that hit thier wives just dont stop, not with out some damn hard consequences and counseling...
...they just dont.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I posted this for someone else who is also making excuses for her abusive husband. It's from the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. If you haven't seen these things from him yet, at least keep an eye out. If they start happening, you need to leave whether it's 'complicated' or not. So your son doesn't grow up to be abusive like his stepdad.

Excerpts from the book:

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.”
“He can be sweet and gentle.”
“He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children – he’s a great father.”
“He’s had a really hard life…”
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.

The Power of those wonderful early months. Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.

Occasionally an abused woman may decide to touch her partner off herself [make him angry] at this point, as scary as that is, because the fear of waiting to see what he will do and when he will do it is worse.

Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple ‘abuse each other’ and that the relationship has been ‘mutually hurtful’.

Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she’s being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused. Your partner’s abusive incidents may follow no pattern, so you can never guess what will happen next…Random abuse can be particularly deleterious psychologically to you and to your children.

Life with an abuser can be a dizzying wave of exciting good times and painful periods of verbal, physical, or sexual assault. The longer the relationships lasts, the short and farther apart the positive periods tend to become.

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. Suppose you complain about being silenced by his constant interruptions. He then gets a huffy, hostile tone in his voice as if your objection were unfair to him and says sarcastically, “All right, I’ll just listen and you talk,” and acts as if you are oppressing him by calling him on his behavior.

He says such things as: “You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothers you.”

He becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in sex with him, he says, “you must be getting it somewhere else.

With an abuser, no way to bring up a complaint is the right way. You can wait until the calmest, most relaxed evening, prepare your partner with plenty of verbal stroking, express your grievance in mild language, but he still won’t be willing to take it in.

He takes advantage of you financially, interferes with your job or your school, causes damage to your relationships, tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy.

He says he’ll stop some form of abuse if you give up something that bothers him, which is usually something you have every right to do.

Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.

Most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you had a dog and he was the sweetest thing in the world, but growled when you walked by his food plate and barked at children in the neighbourhood - you would be cautious with it.

Then one day you are both sitting on the couch and you reach over him to grab the remote and he bites your hand. What would you do?

He just wanted to get his point across that he should be repsected and reaching over him is a form of disrespect. 

I realize this is a dog and your husband is a human being, but the principles are similar. Dogs that bite take an enormous amount of therapy to rehabilitate. And even then it may not work. Same with men that hit.

Keep your eyes open at all times, do not put yourslef into positions where you're cornered or in the kitchen when he goes off, and above all be safe.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay, I realize that I am not in an abusive relationship, and never have. My husband has never gotten physical angry, even though during fights sometimes he gets right in my face & can say "woman, You make me so angry I want to hit you". BUt has never touched me in anger.

So.. I guess I don't really have the same opinion as someone that has come from a physically abusive situation.

1) I agree that you should not have made a big deal about him wanting to clean his face. My guess is.. he might be a little bit of a germ-a-phobe there. So what. That was not the time to address his washing his face.

2) Okay, you say he "smacked"you. How? Did he slap you in the face? (ie, trying have you see the reason in not liking his face touched?) 
Did he punch you in the arm? Did he slap you on the butt? 

How was the "smack". (Hard, to be phyically hurting/brusing? Or softer, just to get your attention on having your face touched?)

3) He texted & said he was sorry & that he was trying to get point across & that he wont do it again. And you cut down that text??? You say you can see that he was not sincere? HOW? You can not see what his emotion was in that text.
I don' see anything wrong with that text.

I'd let it all calm down. He has boundries set by you now. You told him not to ever slap you again. He has agreed.

Now, if it never happens again, great!.
If it does happen again. THEN you need to take immediate action. You do not want him to think he can get by with a little more each time.. (etc, progressive abusive tactics). If it does happen again (even a year or two down the road). LEave immediately. Do not let it progress to a fight. Just grab your purse & go. Anywhere.
Then hours later.. the next day.. whatever... You talk to him and say.. We agreed that you would never slap me again. I am not going to be willing to stay in a relationship where I am getting slapped or potentially hurt. Tell him that that is the very last time.
After that.. he gets police called on him... or goes to anger management therapy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

brittany12 said:


> First of all- I'm sorry for all of you that have gone through this. Thanks for the advice.
> 
> And second WOW- that cycle of abuse id scary. I texted him at work yesterday. A simple text that said "btw, dont ever slap me again". His response was "Sorry, I was just trying to get my point across, wont happen again". So it was that cycle. He said sorry, but he felt No remorse really, you could tell. Now its calmness.
> 
> He is not that much "bigger" than me, so I think I could take him lol I am not big either, I am 5'9" and about 130. and he is 6' and like 170. He is a stick of a man. Its just that I do not even WANT to be in the situation TO HAVE to take him ya know. I know you all say to leave and that seems to easy. But we are married and have kids involved now. Its really not that easy. I wish you could be in my shoes. I really am hoping he will change.


The fact that there are children involved means it's more important to take on the difficulties of leaving if there is abuse present. 

This is the first time it happened, and in marriages that are good and last decades, there have sometimes been an isolated incident. But people are telling you that you've got several signs going on for an abusive cycle. It would be smart of you to pay attention and learn from their bad experiences rather than being the bad example your children learn from. 

"When he's not abusive he's so sweet" is garbage. It's like saying, "Other than the fact that he's a pedophile, he's a great guy." He is a WHOLE person AS IS. If your incompatibilities cause violence, you need to get out. There isn't another option that is going to cure him. He *can* choose to change, but the ONLY way he will change is if the consequences of not changing are too terrible for him to face. That's why many men who abuse their children suddenly stop when the kids are old enough to slam a frying pan on their daddy's head and show that they will or when they know there is no other way that their wives will stay with them. 

You are making excuses about why it's acceptable to stay in a marriage and not take strong action to protect your children from growing up in an abusive environment. 

Yes, you *should* put your marriage first. Yes, you *should* see your guy's well being and happiness as every bit as important as your own. And yes, you should set an unbreakable standard for how women should be treated in your home or in your sons' future homes.


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