# Help - almost sexless marriage



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

First of all, I can breathe a big sigh of relief at finding this forum. Phew. I have been googling and trying to figure out what to do for so long.. I just really need advice.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. We have a 10 month old son. I'm 28, he is 30.

My problem is this. The only thing we ever argue about is sex. He never wants it. We usually only have sex once a month, and I'm starting to feel that it's out of obligation.

I hate this. I would be more than happy to have some sort of sexual contact every day. 

This isn't a new issue. We've fought about it for about 4 years now, ever since I was pregnant the first time (our daughter was stillborn)

He always has a reason, however weak it may be. After our daughter passed, it was because I was too depressed, and he felt like he was 'bothering' me. So I worked on it. I went to counselling and eventually came out of my depression.

Then the next time the fight came up there was another reason, and there always seems to be some excuse.

I've asked him numerous times and he says it isn't me. But really? I'm starting to think that it is. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, and need to think of ways to make this better.

Thank you, and a big gold star for you if you made it through all of that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi JulyDarling ~

What are you H's sexual habits? Does he masturbate? How often? Is he able to get erections easily? Does he typically have an erection when he wakes up in the morning?

Does he have any health issues? On any libido-busting medications like BP meds or anti-depressants?

You have to start ruling out possibilities one by one so that you know what you are dealing with. Here's a good list of things to think about:

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Can you identify what may apply in your situation?

Best wishes.


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## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Thank you for replying. Sorry if I should have added more info in my original post. My mind is just so scattered with this.

No physical/mental reasons that this is occuring. Has no problem getting erections, mostly in the morning in which case he jumps out of bed and into the shower.

He had a full physical/blood screening when we were attending a fertility clinic to conceive our son. Hes healthy as a horse.
I dont *think* he looks at porn either. Or at least not very often. 

The only thing I can think of is that it's me he's not attracted to. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful except for when we argue. He's never ever said "my wife is gorgeous" or anything that you hear men say about their wives.

I am so broken up over this. Last time we had this argument about the lack of sex life (just after Christmas) I told him I would never bring it up again, but I would just leave.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

What was his response to your statement about leaving?

I am assuming that even though he doesn't want sex, he is still essentially unresponsive in trying to 'do' anything for you - even cuddle or give you manual/oral sex?

Do you have reason to suspect his interests are being met elsewhere?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

How was your sex life before your first pregnancy?

How often were you having sex and how much was he initiating? 

Do you know much about his past? Did he lose his virginity late or have few girlfriends?


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## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> What was his response to your statement about leaving?
> 
> I am assuming that even though he doesn't want sex, he is still essentially unresponsive in trying to 'do' anything for you - even cuddle or give you manual/oral sex?
> 
> Do you have reason to suspect his interests are being met elsewhere?


He wanted to avoid me leaving at all costs. 
When we do have sex, it's pretty...... vanilla. Plain, boring. 

Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful, wonderful husband in every other way. He's an amazing father, and in truth, my best friend. 

I'm at such a loss. I'm miserable and I've tried so many times to communicate that over the past few years that I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.


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## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> How was your sex life before your first pregnancy?
> 
> How often were you having sex and how much was he initiating?
> 
> Do you know much about his past? Did he lose his virginity late or have few girlfriends?


We had sex every day before my first pregnancy. Sometimes more than that. And it was good, and he was very affectionate.

He was initiating a lot, as was I. 

He didn't have many girlfriends, and I think he was about 20 when he lost his virginity. I know that I was his first serious relationship, but he had a few minor ones before me.


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## saralee123 (Mar 25, 2011)

Sometimes it becomes a habit 'not' to have sex, just like you can have a habit to 'do it'. A great book is The Sex Starved Wife and it gives great advice. You can find it on the divorcebusting.com website. I found it extremely enlightening
good luck


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is he afraid of you getting pregnant?


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## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Is he afraid of you getting pregnant?


Doubt it. Fertility drugs are pretty much the only way I can get pregnant. I have a few medical issues that make it incredibly difficult to get pregnant on my own.


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## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

If a man really is not interested in his wife/partner, how do you tell?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Contrary to popular myth there are some men with a modest sex drive. If there has been no significant change in his health there would probably be signs of it in his past behaviour. Typically that means little sexual experience in his past.

But if he was an enthusiastic partner for at least several months, and it suddenly changed then perhaps he has unresolved issues surrounding the still birth of your first child. 

What is his explanation? Are you guys able to have this kind of conversation without it becoming a fight? Are you able to get him to open up without him feeling like he is being pressured? 

It sounds like he loves you, and need to find a way to get on the same team to deal with this issue.

Sorry for the interrogation


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

JulyDarling said:


> He wanted to avoid me leaving at all costs.
> When we do have sex, it's pretty...... vanilla. Plain, boring.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful, wonderful husband in every other way. He's an amazing father, and in truth, my best friend.
> ...


Since you have said he is a wonderful husband in every other way, an amazing father and your best friend (wow that's a lot of compliments!) maybe you could just try to focus less on the sex aspect of your relationship? Not sure if you are able to do that but since you think of him so highly, perhaps you could give it a try. It might just make you less miserable and help you to relax more since you won't be so focused on this one aspect of your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

"But if he was an enthusiastic partner for at least several months, and it suddenly changed then perhaps he has unresolved issues surrounding the stil birth of your first child"

I got the same impression. Cos I was wondering, was there an event that preceded this issue. It might be worth seeing a counsellor together who can help you get to the bottom of it.

I am having similar issues in my marriage, but there are other factors involve such as heavy duty meds and abuse issues
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi Judydarling,

Not sure I can offer much advice, but just wanted to say hi and let you know that you are not alone. Reading your posts and how you feel sounds very similar to my position. I am 37, been married for 5 years, am in good shape, look after myself and my husband is never interessted in sex. It absoluetely kills me and I too cry myself to sleep at night. 

I have two young children and I know if I didn't have them I would have left him by now. I feel robbed. Like your husband my husband never tells me he loves me, I look nice, nothing. i feel very lonely and unloved and some days I convince myself I can live like this for the sake of the children and then otherdays I get upset. I see other couples and think why can't I have that? I honestly can't imagine being with a man who couldn't keep his hands of me, not sure if I would know what to do. It has reached a stage now where I have just shut off from him and am seriously considering finding somebody else as this is killing me.

Hope you are o.k and keep posting, you are not alone XX


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Cupcake37 said:


> Hi Judydarling,
> 
> Not sure I can offer much advice, but just wanted to say hi and let you know that you are not alone. Reading your posts and how you feel sounds very similar to my position. I am 37, been married for 5 years, am in good shape, look after myself and my husband is never interessted in sex. It absoluetely kills me and I too cry myself to sleep at night.
> 
> ...


I understand how you feel as I am a husband around your age in a sexless marriage. The way to deal with it if you choose not to leave is to remember that no one can dictate your happiness. It took me a long time to realize this. Your husband's actions/inactions should not be "killing" you or causing you to cry when you go to sleep. Once you get to the point where you realize you are an independent person who does not need your husband's affirmations to feel good, you will realize all that there is to be happy about in life.

I know it is easier said than done, but you can stay married if you choose AND also be happy in life even if your husband stays the way he is. However, if you really feel so miserable about the situation and neither you nor your husband are willing to change your expectations, then you would be better off leaving even though that is hard to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

My sympathies, but I just don't understand why people get so mismatched, including me. It drives me crazy that there are all these high drive women out there and I have been with one most of my life who is low drive. Its just not fair.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

judydarling, since you did have a good sex life before your tragic loss I think there is hope for you. Obviously the loss triggered something in your husband. Are you certain he's not being unfaithful? Anecdotally, it's my impression that affairs can stem from tragedy. The only thing I can suggest is that you snoop on his computer and phone activities-- at least then you'll know if he's even looking at porn. If he is looking, at least he has some sort of sex drive left.

If he's jumping out of bed to the shower with an erection each morning, he's masturbating in there, is my guess.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> I understand how you feel as I am a husband around your age in a sexless marriage. The way to deal with it if you choose not to leave is to remember that no one can dictate your happiness. It took me a long time to realize this. Your husband's actions/inactions should not be "killing" you or causing you to cry when you go to sleep. Once you get to the point where you realize you are an independent person who does not need your husband's affirmations to feel good, you will realize all that there is to be happy about in life.
> 
> I know it is easier said than done, but you can stay married if you choose AND also be happy in life even if your husband stays the way he is. However, if you really feel so miserable about the situation and neither you nor your husband are willing to change your expectations, then you would be better off leaving even though that is hard to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Hi Jeff,

thanks for your reply. Yes, I know you are right, easier said than done though. I have days where I am very confident and happy and don't need him to tell me that but then some days things just get on top of me and I feel so alone and just that I am missing out on some much. I honestly feel that I have given him the best years of my life and what a waste! I honestly don't see myself leaving him because of the children so I had better get used to it really, stop moaning and learn to live with it! X


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