# Should I stay or should I go?



## confussed64 (Jun 19, 2012)

I have been reading a lot of the posts here and have found that most are about marriages that are fairly new. I was looking for some advise on my situation and so far have not found anything that really pertains, so I figured I would just have to jump right in. I have been married for 18 yrs, have a 15 yo son together and I have a 25 yo from a previous relationship. Over the past few yrs I have built up a lot of resentment towards my husband, he was never one to "be the man" of the family.  I seem to make all major decisions regarding financial, child rearing/discipline...just about everything. Let's just say that due to the resentment I find myself being hyper critical of everything he does and I do not love him anymore. He never stands up for himself about anything, me, the kids, at work, even in out to dinner. If we get into an argument, even if I am wrong, he is always the one to apologize. He never makes decisions on his own about just about everything...as a matter of fact a few months ago he even asked me if he could put BBQ sauce on a sandwich he was making...I mean come on...Really? :scratchhead: I did tell him last yr that I was not happy in the marriage, and that I am basically here because of the 15 yo. I really want out but do not want to disrupt the child's life. Is it better to stay or should I go? Any advise would be helpful.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

confussed64 said:


> I have been reading a lot of the posts here and have found that most are about marriages that are fairly new. I was looking for some advise on my situation and so far have not found anything that really pertains, so I figured I would just have to jump right in. I have been married for 18 yrs, have a 15 yo son together and I have a 25 yo from a previous relationship. Over the past few yrs I have built up a lot of resentment towards my husband, he was never one to "be the man" of the family. I seem to make all major decisions regarding financial, child rearing/discipline...just about everything. Let's just say that due to the resentment I find myself being hyper critical of everything he does and I do not love him anymore. He never stands up for himself about anything, me, the kids, at work, even in out to dinner. If we get into an argument, even if I am wrong, he is always the one to apologize. He never makes decisions on his own about just about everything...as a matter of fact a few months ago he even asked me if he could put BBQ sauce on a sandwich he was making...I mean come on...Really? :scratchhead: I did tell him last yr that I was not happy in the marriage, and that I am basically here because of the 15 yo. I really want out but do not want to disrupt the child's life. Is it better to stay or should I go? Any advise would be helpful.


Don't take this wrong but could it be that you are overbearing and need to be in control amd he just gave up trying to get his way. or tired of arguing with you all the time.

Think back -- do you always have to have the last word. 

Unless he was like this when you married him -- it appears you may have trained him well and now you say you don't love him.

This is of course just my opinion -- but from what you wrote -- just think about what I said.

Good luck !!


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## confussed64 (Jun 19, 2012)

He has always been like that and someone had to step up and take the lead, I had it thrust up my, not something that I wanted. I would prefer to have a man that is capable of making decisions or at least to make decisions together...but the burden has been mine for so long and I am just tired of it. and there was never any arguing until recently....So he has not given up or I have NOT trained him to be that way.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

confussed64 said:


> He has always been like that and someone had to step up and take the lead, I had it thrust up my, not something that I wanted. I would prefer to have a man that is capable of making decisions or at least to make decisions together...but the burden has been mine for so long and I am just tired of it. and there was never any arguing until recently....So he has not given up or I have NOT trained him to be that way.


I didn't mean to get you upset. I know this is a major problem in your marriage and you are trying to understand and get suggestions how to rectify the situation.

In retrospect -- since he has not changed -- you are the one who has changed and are tired of being the "leader". 

Think back on your husband's childhood and his father in particular as that would have been his role model growing up and how he learned to be a man. Is you husband like his father ??

Also, are you in IC ?? Long marriages hit rough spots -- I call them speed bumps. The goal is to get back on the smooth road.

Keep posting here -- as you will get great advice. I hope you listen to the folks here -- and take there ideas and think about them. Not everything will be plesant to read -- but people on this forum really care --- and would like nothing better than help you get your marriage back on track -- and on that smooth road.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

confussed64 said:


> He has always been like that and someone had to step up and take the lead, I had it thrust up my, not something that I wanted. I would prefer to have a man that is capable of making decisions or at least to make decisions together...but the burden has been mine for so long and I am just tired of it. and there was never any arguing until recently....So he has not given up or I have NOT trained him to be that way.



Interesting. So, what would be the consequences if you abdicated decisions to him and allowed him to take the lead? Nothing? A bad decision? You see, the decisions have been yours for so long because you took them. And now you resent it.

And if he always abdicates decisions to you, what is the arguing about? I would think that, if he formulates no decisive opinions, he would not be capable of arguing with you. Is it possible that he makes decisions, and you don't like them - hence the arguing?

I deferred all decisions to my H. Why? Because of his temper. It was easier. I had learned long ago that if I made a decision that he didn't like, it would haunt me. He would blame me for the bad results. It was much easier to defer decisions to him and whether the results where good or bad, he couldn't fall back on blaming me. He was controlling. Is he not making decisions because perhaps you are controlling? Have you blamed him when the decision was bad? Is he deferring to your judgment because he doesn't want to "rock the boat"? Afraid of the consequences?

Does my situation sound anything like yours?


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Interesting. So, what would be the consequences if you abdicated decisions to him and allowed him to take the lead? Nothing? A bad decision? You see, the decisions have been yours for so long because you took them. And now you resent it.
> 
> And if he always abdicates decisions to you, what is the arguing about? I would think that, if he formulates no decisive opinions, he would not be capable of arguing with you. Is it possible that he makes decisions, and you don't like them - hence the arguing?
> 
> ...


Couldn't of said it better myself. I need to change my nickname to Survivor Husband. I think to be more blunt. You are a perfectionist who needs to be in control, So you resent him because when one of YOUR DECISIONS does not go perfect you really have a hard time accepting responsibility ( it couldn't be my fault), so you place the BLAME on your husband for not making the decision. Why should you have to do everything, take all the risk of a possible failure! Right? Your husband is in a serious catch 22. Make decision get the blame for non perfection. Don't make a decision and put up with your smoldering resentment. Send him to the NMMNG site.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

confussed64 said:


> he was never one to "be the man" of the family. I seem to make all major decisions regarding financial, child rearing/discipline...just about everything. Let's just say that due to the resentment I find myself being hyper critical of everything he does and I do not love him anymore. He never stands up for himself about anything, me, the kids, at work, even in out to dinner. ...................... He never makes decisions on his own about just about everything...as a matter of fact a few months ago he even asked me if he could put BBQ sauce on a sandwich he was making...I mean come on...Really?


Sounds like you are the alpha partner and he is completely hen-pecked. As others have pointed out if you were really unhappy then your marriage wouldn't have lasted 18 yrs. Maybe what you are craving is an alpha male .. I guess sometimes* women like being ordered around and 'led' rather than being the leader themselves. Maybe it is possible to satisfy that craving some other way and stay in your current marriage. (I doubt you will enjoy being with an alpha male in the long term. A natural leader always has difficulty being a follower)





> If we get into an argument, even if I am wrong, he is always the one to apologize.


If you know that you are wrong in an argument, why you do argue in the first place??


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