# Help! How do I handle this...



## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

Hello, I just recently joined this group and just need to talk to someone and get advice.

My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 3 grown kids. Our kids are doing great! 
We on the otherhand, have always had a kind of rocky marriage.

Jumping ahead to the latest rift... my husband has really delved into reading the Bible and other books; He has now come to the conclusion that we are unequally yoked. I, too, am a christian, but I gues I do not do all the reading and studying, that he does.

His answer to this is, I need to or in his words "better catch up", because he has decided in wanting a purpose for his life, we need to do more service work; ie. the mission, church, and anyother organization he deems needing it. He wants to start counseling people, who are hurting. (I have a bachelors in counseling and a counselor, my husband is Not!) All of this he has decided that God told him. He has since more than doubled our giving, because in his words "God will bless him with a new and better job to match his income now."

(I see that as trying to buy God's blessings, which really could backfire, because we are not on the same page with what we should be giving. Although I agreed we could increase it, I felt it should be within reason)

I have lost all trust in him. I do not feel at all secure... Really I am so hurt and I cannot quit replaying the night, he got in my face with, "You haven't change a bit!!" How have you changed!?" He wants me to study the bible with him, but everytime I do, it turns into him preaching at me, which is a big turn off to me.

He said he loves me (which he states is because love is a choice and he chooses to every morning) We are actually very distant... we don't touch or kiss) There is just no real affection there, anymore.

I feel like he looks at other christian women and wishes I were like thim.

I have 3 good jobs that I work. I keep the house and the yard. I " take the trash out"
He does fix anything around the house, and if I can't do it, it just goes neglected. I have quit asking him to fix things, because there is just no point.

He spends his time either reading the bible or associated books or watching T.V. (and get this the shows he watches are 'fix-it' shows!

He has a good job; manual labor, which pays well, but he does need to find another job, because this one has taken a toll on him.

Please tell me what I need to do and/or what I am doing wrong. I just feel like I am getting the bible thrown at me and stood up and jeered at (You haven't changed at all!"

I am so hurting and crying inside... I cannot take this much longer.

We are suppose to go overseas... don't think, with the way things are, I can handle that.
My daughter is getting married and I have really not been much help (which isn't good for that relationship)
I just have such a cloud over me... all I manage to do is my jobs.
Heck, I can hardly eat... this cloud is so black.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You two ARE unequally yoked. 

You are a good woman and your husband is an ass. 

You do all the work around the house and he sits reading his Bible huh? Lazy, good-for-nothing Bible thumping males are about the worst men there are. 

I'm sure you will want to try to save this, although I cannot figure out why. I would say go talk to your pastor and give him your side of the story. Maybe he can give you some pointers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> Hello, I just recently joined this group and just need to talk to someone and get advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 3 grown kids. Our kids are doing great!
> We on the otherhand, have always had a kind of rocky marriage.
> ...


I would suggest that you both go to a mature married couple in your church and talk to them. Failing that a good Christian marriage counsellor. He needs to learn that your faith isn't his responsibility, and you that he may well be called to do things to help others that you may not like. 

Why are you going overseas?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is typical of these born again Christians,they see themselves as “Special” and anyone who doesn’t agree with them is wrong.
They judge everyone.
You need to have a come to Jesus talk here and make sure you have control of your own money,it’s not unheard of for these guys to make large contributions to the church of money they can’t afford.
Even your home could be at risk so be alert!
Why are you going overseas,please tell me it’s not missionary work.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do not go overseas with him under any circumstances.

Do not let him constantly lower your self esteem by hitting you over the head with his Bible. Tell him you will not argue what the Bible says, that the Bible was meant to bring people closer, not claim "unequally yoked nonsense" and tear them apart.
TELL HIM that you don't feel he loves you, that he never shows you physical affection, and that you expect that he can either go to counselling with you and get some help with your relationship, or that you will be talking to an attorney about divorce.

If he gets angry, tell him you expected that and will act accordingly. 

LEAVE. 

Let him know your displeasure with the current situation by taking yourself out of it. Stay with family or friends for a while. 

You will never win an argument about the Bible with him, because he will always find a verse to prove his point and discount yours.

Realize that God is not "telling him" to do anything. He is wanting certain things, and likely one of those things is that he gets to quit working for a living and do some kind of "service" that the church will pay him for.

You really need to think about how short your life is, and how unlikely your husband is to change. He sounds awful to me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband has a serious problem with reviling and unrighteous judgment. 

1 Corinthians 5:11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a *reviler*, or a drunkard, or a swindler -not even to eat with such a one.

Your husband's behavior towards you does not show the fruit of the Spirit, which is listed in Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

It is unlikely you will get any help from your church since most churches teach that you just need to be more obedient to your husband, which they call submission. Submission does not equal obedience and has nothing to do with obeying your husband.

Your husband says he's being loving, but does this describe him?
1 Corinthians 13:1-8 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 

Your husband is a clanging symbol. He apparently has developed a works based philosophy rather than a love based philosophy. Our actions should come from our faith and our love for Christ. His behavior is abusive. He is behaving in a controlling and manipulative manner, which is far from what the Bible teaches is how to live. I don't know about your faith walk, but your husband's is in serious trouble and he is abusing you in the process.

I consider my faith to be the guiding principle of my life and see your husband as what the Old Testament refers to as an oppressor. Satan also twists the Bible to trick people. He tried that with Jesus and of course he failed.

Edited to add: A reviler is a person who is verbally abusive. Your husband is verbally abusing you, which is a very serious offense. God does not look well upon those who verbally abuse others, particularly those closest to them. Psalms has a lot to say about abusive people and refers to them as oppressors.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This is typical of these born again Christians,they see themselves as “Special” and anyone who doesn’t agree with them is wrong.
> They judge everyone.
> You need to have a come to Jesus talk here and make sure you have control of your own money,it’s not unheard of for these guys to make large contributions to the church of money they can’t afford.
> Even your home could be at risk so be alert!
> Why are you going overseas,please tell me it’s not missionary work.


That doesn't describe any of the Christians I know. And I know a lot.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You say you have three jobs, but it sounds like they are all household jobs. Do you have a paying job?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your husband has a serious problem with reviling and unrighteous judgment.
> 
> 1 Corinthians 5:11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler -not even to eat with such a one.
> 
> ...


The churches I have been to would be very supportive of a marriage in trouble and not order any women to do anything.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> The churches I have been to would be very supportive of a marriage in trouble and not order any women to do anything.


That's good. I'm truly glad. Most of the women in abusive situations that I've known have been told be "be more submissive," "pray more," "give him more sex," "follow his leadership," "remember he is your head," etc. Not helpful at all. Abusive people should be held accountable. If a woman goes to the church for help with a man like this, he should be held accountable and told to stop. She should be protected.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

Yes 3 paying job, I run my own business and have 2 others... I actually do okay.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> Yes 3 paying job, I run my own business and have 2 others... I actually do okay.


If your husband is seeking more control over you, he may pressure you to quit your jobs and go into ministry with him. It's one thing if you feel called to the same thing that he believes he is called to, it is quite another when you two are not in agreement and you do not feel a calling to what he is claiming.

If you do something that you feel uncomfortable with, that is a violation of your conscience. If you are a Christian and the Holy Spirit is cautioning you, he will speak through your conscience. Ignore that at your own peril! Saying "no" to your husband when you are in disagreement with him is perfectly okay and the right thing to do. Going against your conscience is both physically and spiritually dangerous. Don't let him try to make you feel guilty for failing to violate your conscience.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

We've been to counseling, 1 a pastor said to me "I can think of 3 women in the church right now who would be very happy to have him as a husband" He later denied saying it when I took my husband in for a requittal of that statement... and get this my husband told me I somehow misconstrued it. If that didn't hurt that my husband chose to believe the jerk pastor.

We have had another counselor, who just has given up on us, but encourage my husband to continue giving and just separate our checking accounts.

To say the leat I am cone with christian counseling.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> This is typical of these born again Christians,they see themselves as “Special” and anyone who doesn’t agree with them is wrong.
> They judge everyone.
> You need to have a come to Jesus talk here and make sure you have control of your own money,it’s not unheard of for these guys to make large contributions to the church of money they can’t afford.
> Even your home could be at risk so be alert!
> Why are you going overseas,please tell me it’s not missionary work.


I'm a born again Christian. I don't see myself as special. And you are correct: anyone who doesn't agree with me IS wrong, and not because I'm a Christian, but because...well... I'm always right. :grin2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The way of the Spirit is to encourage one another. Your husband is using reviling (a sin) as a way to manipulate you. 

Hebrews 10:23-25
23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; 24 and _*let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds*_, 25 not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but *encouraging one another*; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

This is what God's word tells us is the way to help one another; by stimulating one another to love and good deeds and by encouraging one another. Your husband is instead using reviling (verbal abuse) to manipulate you. That is not of God. That is from some other place.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> We've been to counseling, 1 a pastor said to me "I can think of 3 women in the church right now who would be very happy to have him as a husband" He later denied saying it when I took my husband in for a requittal of that statement... and get this my husband told me I somehow misconstrued it. If that didn't hurt that my husband chose to believe the jerk pastor.
> 
> We have had another counselor, who just has given up on us, but encourage my husband to continue giving and just separate our checking accounts.
> 
> To say the leat I am cone with christian counseling.


What do you think about the suggestion to separate finances? Would you be okay with having a joint account for household expenses and keeping the rest of your finances separate? That would offer you some security, so you aren't constantly worried about what your husband will do next.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ask your husband where did he find in the Bible and all his reading where it says a husband should terrorize and vilify his wife?

No don't go to a couple in the church. Go to the minister/pastor, tell him what you told us, and better yet have him read this. Print it out on paper for him to read. It can help you explain to him if you are upset. Go to your husband's pastor since he is a man your husband already looks up to.

You and your husband are not unequally yoked. You are both Christians, and that is all it means. Being equally yoked does NOT mean you and he have to think the same, do the same, act the same and all that. It only means you are both believers in Christ. Did you know that?

So your husband is wrong all the way around. Have the pastor TEACH your husband what unequally yoked means. Have him TEACH your husband how Paul taught men they were supposed to love and treat their wives. His pastor can set him straight.

I see you have had your fill of Christian counseling, but that's not what I'm asking you to do. I'm saying to have his Pastor minister to him on the finer point of these subjects he seems to have misconstrued. it's not for marriage counseling. It's for Biblical edification - the kinds of things they should already have taught him but failed.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

Yes right now I see that as the only way....but I just can't continue under this dark cloud and function anymore, It's so heavy...I am so tired. We were planning on going overseas to see our son and most importantly our grandson.

I just have no one to talk to about what is going on... 

Leave... How do you walk away from what has taken you life time to build?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I wouldn't suggest you leave.

Tell me.... is this type of behavior something that your husband has recently begun?

Most men come to a "place" in life where they see themselves as getting older, and having less and less time to accomplish those things which are on his heart.

Your husband is going about this in a very wrong way. But his behavior describes someone who has recently come to a spiritual awakening, and has had a background doctrine of works. They become insufferable with their holier-than-thou attitudes and an "on fire" disposition toward "God's work". After a couple or three years of this "mid-life-crisis" in which they really have their head stuck up their anal sphincter, they start to get some right ideas, and some ambitions which are truly led by God and His word.

Even with someone as legalistic as your husband is just now, God can bring him through this into a "place" of teachable-ness, and create in him (and you) a fruitful ministry to others. 

It's not going to be easy for you to live through this. However, the fact that you have been married to him for 35 years shows me that he must have good traits going for him as well as this "chaff" he is now espousing.

Your husband is a person for whom the Lord Jesus Christ died. The Lord has a vested interest in directing your husbands "fire" in paths which are worthwhile and beneficial to His kingdom.

I encourage you to lay this "dark cloud" at the Lord's feet.... don't try to carry it....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Learn the bible better than him.

No where in the bible does it tell you to neglect your wife for god!

Giving is a good thing until your giving to get something in return.....ie a better job!

Thats a sinful action!

Flip the tables on him. If hes a bully who won't compromise then put your walking boots on!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Good grief! If he tells you that you are unequally yoked, through a few eggs at him and ask him to check again.

I don't know that the separate finances thing will help. In most places, you are still liable for any debts he takes on. Separating finances will just make his giving more opaque to you but it'll still be y'all's money that he is giving away.

And seriously, do you think that anyone working at his church is going to council him to not give more and more? You don't become a rich church by turning away donations. He sounds like he's caught up in a Joel Osteem style scam. That "Christian" would, well, don't get me started.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> The churches I have been to would be very supportive of a marriage in trouble and not order any women to do anything.


You have had marriage counseling at all the churches you've been to?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> We've been to counseling, 1 a pastor said to me "I can think of 3 women in the church right now who would be very happy to have him as a husband" He later denied saying it when I took my husband in for a requittal of that statement... and get this my husband told me I somehow misconstrued it. If that didn't hurt that my husband chose to believe the jerk pastor.
> 
> We have had another counselor, who just has given up on us, but encourage my husband to continue giving and just separate our checking accounts.
> 
> To say the leat I am cone with christian counseling.


 A pastor isn't a counsellor. 
You need a properly trained Christian marriage counsellor.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

He has always had these quirks... shoot 5 years ago I needed counseling for our counseling. He has a 1 track mind...before he got so involved in prophecy, that he was wanting to chase these "false" prophets around to see signs and wonders... He threw money at them, every chance he could.

It seems all you have to say is God Jesus or Moses and you're on the list to give to...

He has always put it before me... but how do I argue; afterall it is for God and I can see it, but no one else can, especially pastors.

I finally did tell him the other day, I felt like he was having an affair... to which he said nothing, just ignored me.

He tells me I am believing Satan's lies in my head.

Well I guess satan has it pretty easy, using my husbands methods and mouth...

Thank you all for reading...and your advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrsBeaver said:


> Yes 3 paying job, I run my own business and have 2 others... I actually do okay.


So why do you put up with doing all the housework? That's not fair. Where in the Bible does it say he gets to use you like that?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrsBeaver said:


> He has always had these quirks... shoot 5 years ago I needed counseling for our counseling. He has a 1 track mind...before he got so involved in prophecy, that he was wanting to chase these "false" prophets around to see signs and wonders... He threw money at them, every chance he could.
> 
> It seems all you have to say is God Jesus or Moses and you're on the list to give to...
> 
> ...



Oh for St. Pete's sake! 

Flee this wacko. He's a wacko! :surprise:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh for St. Pete's sake!
> 
> Flee this wacko. He's a wacko! :surprise:


:iagree:

If divorce is anathema to you, OP, how about a separation? You don't have to live with an unbalanced and abusive spouse, even as a Christian.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I mean absolutely no disrespect to Christians. Please believe that. And I ask With all sincerity. Is your husband mentally stable? Seems to me that with mental illness comes a newfound Vigor for religion.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

ray:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> That's good. I'm truly glad. Most of the women in abusive situations that I've known have been told be "be more submissive," "pray more," "give him more sex," "follow his leadership," "remember he is your head," etc. Not helpful at all. Abusive people should be held accountable. If a woman goes to the church for help with a man like this, he should be held accountable and told to stop. She should be protected.


Kindly, isn't your signature pure advertising to sell books by a variety of authors? Each section I clicked on goes to the books list.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> I mean absolutely no disrespect to Christians. Please believe that. And I ask With all sincerity. Is your husband mentally stable? Seems to me that with mental illness comes a newfound Vigor for religion.


Every religion has it's crazies. Christianity is replete with them. Her husband sounds like he's gone off the deep end.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Every religion has it's crazies. Christianity is replete with them. Her husband sounds like he's gone off the deep end.


That's just not true. I have mixed with Christians for most of my life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> That's just not true. I have mixed with Christians for most of my life.


I have too. And I've met many who needed to be medicated. But most are great people. All religions have their extremists and otherwise confused individuals. I'm not singling out Christians. I are one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I have too. And I've met many who needed to be medicated. But most are great people. All religions have their extremists and otherwise confused individuals. I'm not singling out Christians. I are one.


You said that Christianity is replete with crazies, that's not true. I have met many outside the church who are far more crazy. Nearly all of the Christians I have known were and are lovely, kind, caring, decent people.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

gowithuhtred said:


> Kindly, isn't your signature pure advertising to sell books by a variety of authors? Each section I clicked on goes to the books list.


No. It's not a book list. It is the marriage page for my website. It includes books I have reviewed that pertain to marriage and articles I have written that pertain to marriage subjects. One of the articles is by a friend of mine. So, it's a list of articles.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> Hello, I just recently joined this group and just need to talk to someone and get advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 3 grown kids. Our kids are doing great!
> We on the otherhand, have always had a kind of rocky marriage.
> ...


 I can feel your pain on the unequally yoked deal, except with a role reversal. My wife is HIGHLY involved with the church. Check out my thread "My wife and prayer" here in the general forum.
It sounds like your husband did the same as my wife and caused the "unequally yoked" status. They are the ones that changed and then fault us for not changing with them. Any other change of that sort would be chastised. My wife did the comparisons deal as well. It boils down to the fact that he knows all about you but only knows the best of these other church women. So how can you compete? You can't, so don't even try. You may want to point out to your husband that being judgemental is NOT Christian like. Beyond that, I can't give you much help but can definitely sympathize.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yes! The Christian religious nuts, and their meak sheep followers. Not different in the OP situation. A Crazy religious zealot, and a meak wife unable to be able to stand up to to his latest in their marry life. This is what I see per the OP statements.

OP in your situation is so an easy solution to your problem but, it requires of you to unyoke from the control grip your husband have on you. JUST SAY NO to any of his crazy requests, and mean business. No arguments about it. And please, start separating your money, so that you do not end up in financial troubles later on.

I doubt that you'll do it, but for your own sake, I hope you'll be able to do it.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I feel for you! He sounds mentally unstable to me. After 35 years of marriage, it isn't easy to walk away - even if we know it is the right thing to do.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It seems, from your further description, that your husband feels he must "do more" in order to win God's favor and reach his eternal reward. He probably feels that it is also his responsibility to bring others along with him through the path of "doing more".

None of us have ever "done enough" to please God by our own merits. However, somewhere in your husband's past, has been an extreme rejection by a person who was very close and important to him. For this person, no amount of your husband's effort resulted in the love your husband wanted and needed. 

Your husband well knows that we are made in God's image (in his brain), but in his heart, he believes that God is made in our image, and especially in the image of that special person who he learned his "God concept" from. I am so saddened to understand this about your husband, and wish there was any possible way I could lead him to know God's wonderful grace which is unmerited favor.

There is an old gospel song with the title "He Looked Beyond My Fault, and Saw My Need". God is indeed in the business of loving the unlovable. 

My beloved sister-in-Christ, I can see that you have exemplified our Savior's love in one of the most difficult situations any person has ever been called to fill. You have been completely unselfish in giving your love to a rather unlovable person. If you left your husband now, I don't think there is anybody with half a brain who would blame you. I also know that if you leave, you will not lose God. I also know that God will give you the strength and perseverance to carry your task until the end, at which time His words "....well done, thou good and faithful servant..." will come to you from His lips and His eyes, and His warm, welcoming embrace.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Sounds to me like MR.Beaver has yoked himself to a new and updated Missy Beaver - 

They can recite scripture to Christian Porn.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> Sounds to me like MR.Beaver has yoked himself to a new and updated Missy Beaver -
> 
> They can recite scripture to Christian Porn.


No such thing as Christian porn.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Diana: Christianity as practiced by most people, not as written in the scriptures is nothing but sick pornography. A sick pornographic business that it's higher calling is to fleece the Meeks out of their hard earned money.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MrsBeaver said:


> I finally did tell him the other day, *I felt like he was having an affair.*.. to which he said nothing, just ignored me.
> 
> He tells me I am believing Satan's lies in my head.
> 
> ...


This is what I was going to ask about.

I have found in my long life on this planet, those that scream to heavens the loudest about their acts of piety, usually have the biggest of sins they are attempting to cover up.

My first thought was (besides how cynical my views can be at times) was that there is some type of affair and he is attempting to exercise the sin by controlling you.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MrsBeaver said:


> We've been to counseling, 1 a pastor said to me "I can think of 3 women in the church right now who would be very happy to have him as a husband" He later denied saying it when I took my husband in for a requittal of that statement... and get this my husband told me I somehow misconstrued it. If that didn't hurt that my husband chose to believe the jerk pastor.
> 
> We have had another counselor, who just has given up on us, but encourage my husband to continue giving and just separate our checking accounts.
> 
> To say the leat I am cone with christian counseling.


Sh** this was my hope and thought before I read up until this point is that your Priest would be able to talk some sense into this situation but it sounds like it's not bringing him down to earth but actually fueling his missguided fire .... ugh!

Start building up a network of friends and family to get your head right, people that will prevent you from doubting yourself and think YOU are the one going crazy. Some may disagree with this and he would be pissed if he found out but I would try to talk to people that he trusts and you trust that could help talk sense into him. Problem is that if he sees your fingerprints on it, he will think you poisoned the well. Anyone you know of that you can trust that would help talk sense into him (even though it may be a losing battle) Man it sucks the priest was like that, what he needs is someone that is specialized in what he thinks he's an expert in now, to set him straight.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> No such thing as Christian porn.


Please. If there are christian swingers, there is christian porn. You do know that your interpretation of christianity is not the only one, right? Oh right, you don't.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Jesus was almost never overbearing. Treated most ordinary people he ecountered with compassion,
Deft and understanding.

It's the hypocryts and holier than thou that he smashed down on hard.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Please. If there are christian swingers, there is christian porn. You do know that your interpretation of christianity is not the only one, right? Oh right, you don't.


The Bible defines what a Christian is; a follower of Christ. A person can call themselves anything they want, but that doesn't make it so. There is no such thing as Christian porn. People who practice these things are not following Christ.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is said the H is to be the spiritual leader of the home(so I am told). A leader, not the camp commandant. Your H is using religion as an abusive tool. I would venture a guess his interpretation of the scriptures is of his own and fit what the current situation is at the time of arguing. 

Personally, I would remove myself from the home and away from this holy roller.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just wanted to share my thoughts here (I'm Catholic).
Jesus laid out EVERYTHING you need to know about the Christian religion (and I think most religions follow this in one form or another - at least the ethics around it):

Love God above all else, and love your neighbor as yourself (do unto others...)

Think about the 10 commandments -- if you follow the above line, you will never violate the 10 commandments, would you?

The rest of the rules and regulations have come from centuries of deep thinkers who have tried to squeeze every nuance out of the bible they can interpret.

Your husband is NOT treating you as he would himself -- he is NOT loving you in any sort of Christian fashion. Using the bible to beat someone up IS NOT CHRISTIAN or following Christ in any way. You can take quotes from the bible COMPLETELY out of context and make it look any way you want! Reading the bible does not make you a good follower of Jesus -- just means you learn the bible. It certainly can help you deepen your faith, which is the intention. It is not meant to bash someone else.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> *He tells me I am believing Satan's lies in my head.*
> 
> Well I guess satan has it pretty easy, using my husbands methods and mouth...
> 
> Thank you all for reading...and your advice.


 @MrsBeaver 
I've had this one used on me as well. It's the ULTIMATE BLAMESHIFT/ Gaslight, and logic is useless against it.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

Oh Yay!! I am home from work and it's a Friday! Hello weekend! NOT!! My life seriously sucks, right now! excuse my language. Pray for me to find strength to say what is appropriate and needs to be said, and to hold my tongue when best to do so and especially for me to have a shield of protection.

Thank you all, so much!! I cannot explain how it feels to have people, that actually get it!! God Bless you all!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> Oh Yay!! I am home from work and it's a Friday! Hello weekend! NOT!! My life seriously sucks, right now! excuse my language. Pray for me to find strength to say what is appropriate and needs to be said, and to hold my tongue when best to do so and especially for me to have a shield of protection.
> 
> Thank you all, so much!! I cannot explain how it feels to have people, that actually get it!! God Bless you all!!


I'm glad you feel heard and understood. I will pray for you.

Remember that God gave us innate wisdom on how to deal with difficult circumstances. For example, when you feel the heat from a hot stove, you know to pull away from it. This is the same when you feel the heat of someone's criticism or anger. It is best to move away from it. 

Do you have anywhere you could stay for a while as a cooling off period?


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

no no one close by... I have to be here for work. I did get away yesterday evening, went and met my sister in law...who is in the process of divorcing my brother... I wish I had her strength. (my brother is a "dweeb" he is giving up a good wife... and chasing childish dreams) 
I also went to see my daughter (she doesn't know anything about what is going on, she thinks I am just depressed, I am I guess in away, but I am fine away from home and doing my own thing) She wants me to go talk to a counselor... I guess I might, just for her... but she too is a christian one... and I am afraid.... I just am so tired of people trying to pour the bible down me.
As it is now I am strongly questioning if I am even really saved, am I even a christian.

Thanks, CynthiaDe!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

have you thought about seeing a non-Christian therapist?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Please. If there are christian swingers, there is christian porn. You do know that your interpretation of christianity is not the only one, right? Oh right, you don't.


There are no Christian swingers and no Christian porn. If they say they are Christians yet are disobeying God when He says do not commit adultery, and says how very seriously He sees adultery, then they are clearly not following Him. Its not hard.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> We've been to counseling, 1 a pastor said to me "I can think of 3 women in the church right now who would be very happy to have him as a husband" He later denied saying it when I took my husband in for a requittal of that statement... and get this my husband told me I somehow misconstrued it.


I must admit, this comment keeps coming up in my mind. I think this comment is so egregious and is Perhaps very telling of how the church sees marriage or at the very least, how the pastor sees marriage. It's almost like he is colluding with your husband. Have you thought about perhaps going to a different Church?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> Jesus was almost never overbearing. Treated most ordinary people he ecountered with compassion,
> Deft and understanding.
> 
> It's the hypocryts and holier than thou that he smashed down on hard.


Yes and most Christians are like that as well. I have good friends whose husband's aren't Christians, but they still treat them respectfully.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you don't have anyone to stay with at this time.

If I understood you correctly, your husband is not running up debt, but he is misusing family finances by using joint funds in a manner that you disagree with. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. Instead I think the suggestion of separating your finances is a responsible choice. You are personally responsible for what is done with your money. I recommend that you have a joint account for joint expenses like food, housing, and utilities. The rest of your money can go into your personal account for you to do with as you believe is correct.

I doubt the problem is that you aren't saved. I think the problem is accusation and condemnation. These are the tools of Satan, not from the Lord. If you were not saved, you would hear the voice of the Lord calling you to come to him in love and encouragement, not a voice of condemnation or accusation. That is not how God speaks to us. The Holy Spirit convicts. The devil condemns.

Your husband has been constantly tearing you down and telling you lies. He has been building himself up as some sort of saint while trying to discourage you and make you feel less than him. That is abhorrent behavior for a man who is supposed to love his wife. Focus on 1 Corinthians 13 to understand love, so you will not believe the lies that your husband is telling you.

I recommend that you spend time daily in the word and prayer. Meditate on the scriptures that you read and let them comfort and build you up. Try to avoid talking to your husband about anything that feels bad to you. Talking to your husband shouldn't create anxiety. If it does, something is wrong. Move away from him when he starts in. Simply tell him that you are not listening to that anymore. He is being hurtful and rude and you are done participating in that kind of conversation.

Proverbs says not to answer a fool according to his folly. When your husband is speaking to you in a belittling manner, that is foolishness and you do not have to answer him and get drawn into his foolish conversation. Seriously, you are not required to answer him. If you read the gospels, you will see that Jesus did not answer questions that were created to trap him or to make him look bad. Foolish people communicate in foolish ways. That is what is going on with your husband.

I'm not going to be available for a while, as I have a super busy weekend, but you can pm me if you wish and I'll get back to you when I'm able. I'll be praying for you. Be strong in the Lord and do not let anything or anyone speak to you in a way that makes you feel terrible. That is not God's way. He is gentle and humble. As was mentioned by someone else earlier, Jesus only spoke harshly to the self-righteous and he only spoke the truth. He did not answer according to their folly.



MrsBeaver said:


> no no one close by... I have to be here for work. I did get away yesterday evening, went and met my sister in law...who is in the process of divorcing my brother... I wish I had her strength. (my brother is a "dweeb" he is giving up a good wife... and chasing childish dreams)
> I also went to see my daughter (she doesn't know anything about what is going on, she thinks I am just depressed, I am I guess in away, but I am fine away from home and doing my own thing) She wants me to go talk to a counselor... I guess I might, just for her... but she too is a christian one... and I am afraid.... I just am so tired of people trying to pour the bible down me.
> As it is now I am strongly questioning if I am even really saved, am I even a christian.
> 
> Thanks, CynthiaDe!


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

*Mrs Beaver 
He has since more than doubled our giving, because in his words "God will bless him with a new and better job to match his income now."*

In 1975 I was in a similar situation. I thought I was doing the "right thing" at the time but I came to realize I was being used. What I got by doing more for the faith, was more work than I could do and some health problems. I have since determined way too many "church cheer leaders" might mean well but it hurts individuals who go overboard.

Maybe it is time to let your H follow HIS dream and you need to take care of yourself without him. It is sad but I see a "crash and burn" case about to unfold. 

Yes "SOME women" would be happy with your H, well maybe for a short time, but eventually they would be like many of the preacher wife's that say their H has time for everyone but them (the W), which is a story i have often read.

My thoughts are, in some ways religion is a way to control people to do what the religious leaders want at the individual's expense. If the shoe was on the other foot, the leaders (cheer leaders) might see a few problems. 

DO NOT go on any missions with your H.

Religious based counselors will have a bias so take that into consideration. My recommendation for a counselor would be based on "ethics and fairness," not religious beliefs. I asked for some counseling from church type leaders. It didn't help me. I got more help from common sense people.

As far as you being "saved" disregard anything your H tells you or tries to imply. I have been told asking for salvation and living an ethical life counts. What your h thinks doesn't count. I have been beat over the head with that Satan garbage. It used to work on me but not anymore.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

I do not go to that church anymore... and the pastor was asked to step down, because of something he was doing with his money not sure....


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I suggest you find another church where you can have fellowship with others who are sincere and dedicated to the cause of Christ. If you had these relationships, you might actually be happy for your weekend to come, because it would contain activities that you would want to participate in.

It may require a bit of looking around, but when you find a good church, you will know it. It will have people as members who are sinners and have found the forgiveness of their Lord, and this alone is their only claim to righteousness.

They will be willing to open up their lives to you and share everything....their salvation, their doubts, their fears, and when they claim "victory", it will be the one which the Lord Jesus won for them.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Are you going to separate finances?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think that you DO need to separate finances since he is giving the church a lot more of your money. Let him donate his at the level he feels comfortable, and you donate what YOU feel comfortable doing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Wow. The theologians and seminarians study and debate the word of Christ all the time to understand its meaning, and that is not even getting into translation over thousands of years. But you have it locked down. Aren't you special!


So you need a theologian to tell you what do not commit adultery means? Really?


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

yes, for now... we are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator warning: *

Please note this is not a thread for debating the efficacy, truthfulness or relevance of religion to modern society.

This is a thread to help a fellow member who needs our assistance, not for a debate.

Any further off topic posts will be deleted and further actions will be considered.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

Help me out... I need some help with some verses... I think I finally put my finger on what is happeneng... I have never been against giving, as a matter of fact when he said he wanted to increase it, I agreed.

I wrote down what I felt was good and reasonable....

He ran with that and added what he wanted to do, without even discussing it, with me

Is he not putting this before and above our marriage... I mean, to say, without allowing me to even have a say...

Geesh! we were in agreement... but he had to take it out of proportion... really is that more important than our marriage and oneness?

I am thinking of the verse with the pharisees. Matthew 23:23....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> Hello, I just recently joined this group and just need to talk to someone and get advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 3 grown kids. Our kids are doing great!
> We on the otherhand, have always had a kind of rocky marriage.
> ...


Wow, where to start? Umm well, let me start first by saying that if I had a spouse who suddenly turned religious and started bible thumping at me, that would be the end of that. If he didn't stop, I would put a stop to the marriage. I don't believe in organized religion, and believe that this is where A LOT of the world's issues stem from.

I have no idea what it means to be unequally yolked, but I wouldn't think it has anything to do with eggs.

Eggs aside, to me it sounds like he's using religion as an excuse to not do certain things. You aren;t a good enough Christian for him, so he's not going to contribute around the house. I agree with you in that giving is a good thing, and something that everyone should make a point of doing at least a little bit, but it has to be within financial reason. By the way, how did God tell him to do all this? Did he/she float down from the skies, plunk themselves at your kitchen table and sit down with your husband for a conversation? God won't bless him with a job with a better income; he will get that only by looking for a job with a better income.

I don't blame you for losing trust in him; I would too. Also, if he was truly a good Christian, he wouldn't get in your face and yell at you, demanding change. He also shouldn't be looking at other Christian women. Christianity is all about accepting and gentleness. He sounds the opposite. Love is a choice, but if there's no affection there, is there really love there?

You have THREE jobs, plus you take care of the house and yard?!? All while he sits on his rump studying the bible or watching home reno shows?

I think that if I were you, I would sit him down for a little chat, and tell him that studying Christianity and professing that you're a good Christian isn't the same as actually being a good person. A decent human being. Tell him that you need him to contribute around the house, that you need him to stop spending loads of money helping others. You can continue to help, but maybe by doing other things: volunteering, for example. Ask him to go to counselling with you. If he refuses to hear any of it, it might be time to start looking at your other options.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> Help me out... I need some help with some verses... I think I finally put my finger on what is happeneng... I have never been against giving, as a matter of fact when he said he wanted to increase it, I agreed.
> 
> I wrote down what I felt was good and reasonable....
> 
> ...


Focus on your responsibilities. You do not have to explain yourself to him or to show him that he is wrong. That doesn't usually work. Focus on the truth and what you believe to be right.

I thought you had separated your finances. Do you have a budget where you each contribute the to living expenses in a fair manner? If you do, then your giving should also be separate and what he does with his left-over income should be up to him. That leaves you without having to worry what he's doing with his portion of the family finances. Included in that should be retirement preparation. Have you two sat down with a budget?

If you are using any scripture against him, you are entering into an adversarial relationship with your husband which should be avoided, because it doesn't bring peace. Also we should be very careful about throwing out accusations, because that is a tool of the enemy. Satan is called the "accuser of the brethren." Personally, I think Matthew 23:23 certainly applies to this situation, but the problem comes in with calling him a hypocrite. If you want to win an argument, use Matthew 23:23, but if you are trying to have a unified marriage, don't use scripture in a manner that will bring about defensiveness. That's what you husband has been doing with you and it only tears you down.

One way to approach the situation is to explain that you have a personal responsibility to be a good steward. It is better for relationship if you explain to him why you are taking the position you are rather than trying to teach him or show him the error of his ways. He is unlikely to respond well if you are trying to teach him or show him where he's wrong. But it's difficult to argue with someone who is pointing out her personal responsibility before God and why she is taking the position that she is.

Luke 19:11-27 is a good parable to explain that we are to use our money wisely and to make it grow.
Why do you think your husband is giving too much? What principle is it that you believe in that is being violated by what you consider to be excessive giving? Are you not meeting your responsibilities? Is he giving to get something back rather than giving from a cheerful, thankful heart?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

To clarify my last post. 
I would encourage you to share your beliefs with him, but do not get into an argument and do not defend yourself. If he cannot listen and hear what you believe without trying to change your mind or make you bow to his views, then stop talking.

Once you stop talking, stand your ground. This is entirely biblical. When you are under attack the Bible says in Ephesians 6:13-14 to stand firm. Make no mistake, when your husband tries to force his opinion on you and to create guilt for not agreeing with him, he is attacking you and violating a principle so serious that it separates him from God.

I Peter 3:7
Likewise, ye husband, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

This does not mean that you are weaker minded. It is historically accurate to state that women have been under the rule and authority of men throughout most of history, which has made them weaker than their husbands and at an extreme disadvantage. 1 Peter 3:7 was the answer to the this problem. Men were to give honor to their wives, not to oppress them. What your husband has been doing is oppressing you and using the word of God as a weapon again you, rather than to encourage and build you up. He's got it backwards.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

thank you Cynthia, for replying... I will heed your advice and not say anything... I am going to meet with a counselor Tuesday... your prayers would be greatly appreciated... that I can describe my situation to her, and she would know in a short time, how to guide me.

He is actually giving more than I had originally thought... and yes he is vying for God's blessings for a different more fulfilling job and purpose in life )it's almost like a midlife crisis, I guess.)

Unfortunately, I see it just getting worse, when God doesn't provide.... and yep, I will have to pay the price too.

I just do not think we can buy God... Actually I am quite sure that for the way he is handling this and the strife between us, is undermining anything we are giving anyway. I believe that God would much rather, we be on the same page.

He actually said to me yesterday, that I am to be quiet and seek the Lord to change his mind!

Seriously!! I do not even know this man anymore!! That hurt!!


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> He actually said to me yesterday, that I am to be quiet and seek the Lord to change his mind!
> 
> Seriously!! I do not even know this man anymore!! That hurt!!


Well- invite God to dinner tonight and set the table for 3.

He is using Your belief system and faith against YOU.
Abuse.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Wow. He is turning this back around on you and asking you to convince God for him. That is terrible of him to treat you that way. It is his personal responsibility to look to the Lord for direction and to follow it. Asking you to pray for him is one thing, but the way he put it was unacceptable.

You are right. Bribing God doesn't work. He has probably been listening to some false teachers.

God always provides, but as a loving Father, not as a Jeannie in the bottle.

Yes, his behavior is hurtful. He is sinning against you and creating all sorts of strife in your marriage. He is not protecting you, honoring you, listening to you, etc. I think you're right that he is in some sort of crisis. The church enabling his bad behavior is wickedness.

Yes, I will pray for you.



MrsBeaver said:


> thank you Cynthia, for replying... I will heed your advice and not say anything... I am going to meet with a counselor Tuesday... your prayers would be greatly appreciated... that I can describe my situation to her, and she would know in a short time, how to guide me.
> 
> He is actually giving more than I had originally thought... and yes he is vying for God's blessings for a different more fulfilling job and purpose in life )it's almost like a midlife crisis, I guess.)
> 
> ...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> thank you Cynthia, for replying... I will heed your advice and not say anything... I am going to meet with a counselor Tuesday... your prayers would be greatly appreciated... that I can describe my situation to her, and she would know in a short time, how to guide me.
> 
> He is actually giving more than I had originally thought... and yes he is vying for God's blessings for a different more fulfilling job and purpose in life )it's almost like a midlife crisis, I guess.)
> 
> ...


 There's being a devoted servant to God, then there's just over the top whackjob. I think you've got a whackjob on your hands.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> There's being a devoted servant to God, then there's just over the top whackjob. I think you've got a whackjob on your hands.


If he's devoted to God, he has a funny way of showing it. He is not exhibiting love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, or self-control in the way he is treating his wife. As a Christian, these, plus faithfulness are the attributes a Christian life should exhibit. He is using tactics against his wife that are ascribed to the devil in scripture, so he is what I would call a false Christian.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> There's being a devoted servant to God, then there's just over the top whackjob. I think you've got a whackjob on your hands.


A really covert , shrouded in Gods linen,insidious abuser.

Day by day he ****** away at her sanity.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> A really covert , shrouded in gods linen,insidious abuser.
> 
> Day by day he ****** away at her sanity.


Fixed that. Small g. He is serving a god for sure, but not the one he says he is serving.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

*MrsBeaver-*

Manipulatively abusive people use a strategy called "Playing the Servant Role".

They know they are the bad actor in the marriage, and they divert attention from their bad faith actions by pretending to serve you, society, God, or whatever in a higher calling. Notice you, the abused, are right where you have always been: in a one-down position. 

When the target falls for this con game, the abuser has turned the tables on them. He is no longer the one shirking his duties and abusing the wife. Instead he is the holier-than-thou angel, and you aren't good enough for him. 

He doesn't care about God and Country, apple pie and family. The only thing he cares about is keeping you in this one-down position. Nothing you do religiously is going to be enough because he will simply shift to other tactics and strategies. 

He has a whole menu of tactics like guilt-tripping, shaming, playing dumb, selective attention, feigning indignance, playing the victim, etc. that are all means of emotional warfare with you.

Look how he has all the pressure off himself from being a lousy husband. He has you scurrying around now in this diversionary, evasive con game trying to figure out how to work with him on it.

But there is no working with him. There is only him figuring out how to keep you frazzled, emotionally spent, and easy to manipulate. 

You need a counselor who is good with covert aggression and character disorders.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

MrsBeaver said:


> Hello, I just recently joined this group and just need to talk to someone and get advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 3 grown kids. Our kids are doing great!
> We on the otherhand, have always had a kind of rocky marriage.


When looking at the rocky parts of the past, do you see any similarities to the current rocky part? That would be quite telling!



MrsBeaver said:


> Jumping ahead to the latest rift... my husband has really delved into reading the Bible and other books; He has now come to the conclusion that we are unequally yoked. I, too, am a christian, but I gues I do not do all the reading and studying, that he does.


Most good relationships are of unequal yoking. If two people are identical and in a marriage, then either could be replaced by a mirror and the other spouse would never notice. According to many relationship books, 'building a relationship' happens in those places where you are different - this is where you are able to take his and her strengths and build something together that neither of you could have done by yourself, preferably to benefit a community.



MrsBeaver said:


> His answer to this is, I need to or in his words "better catch up", because he has decided in wanting a purpose for his life, we need to do more service work; ie. the mission, church, and anyother organization he deems needing it.


I tried fundamental Christianity a long time ago. I ended up deciding, for me, that it must be done on individual terms. My pastors and strongly believing colleagues all referred to having a "personal relationship with Jesus" and when asked to explain that, they all said that we are intended by the lord for different purposes. What I was supposed to do would not be the same for anybody else. I'm not saying this is "right", but it's what felt reasonable to me.

Given this, he can have his purpose in life - but I would not expect it should be the same purpose for your life. You may well have a different purpose, and the two of you can support each other in your separate purposes.

That's just my read of it.



MrsBeaver said:


> He wants to start counseling people, who are hurting. (I have a bachelors in counseling and a counselor, my husband is Not!)


Well, you don't have to have a degree in counseling to be a counselor. There are many types. There is no degree in financial counseling, but I have done it pro bono for houses of worship. Lots of folks get quick-courses in crisis counseling because, to be honest, it's either expensive or a lot of bureaucracy to gain access to a degreed and licensed psychologist.

What is a "degree in counseling" anyway? At least in the states where I lived, you got a license to counsel, in a psychological sense. A degree would be in psychology, typically, or in social work, with perhaps a license as in "licensed clinical social worker" aka LCSW.



MrsBeaver said:


> All of this he has decided that God told him. He has since more than doubled our giving, because in his words "God will bless him with a new and better job to match his income now."


This is me talking, not the bible, so take it for what it's worth. The two things that come to mind for me from this statement are:

- This is what God told him. Not what God told you.
- Giving to God, with the expectation of being paid back, is blasphemy. You give because it is the right thing to do. Probably best not to tell hinm this.

I've also learned, through studies of Neuroscience, that an individuals' happiness is amplified when giving to the needy - but not when giving to an organization that claims to give to the needy. Those donations get watered down horribly.



MrsBeaver said:


> (I see that as trying to buy God's blessings, which really could backfire, because we are not on the same page with what we should be giving. Although I agreed we could increase it, I felt it should be within reason)


Backfire with God or backfire with you?



MrsBeaver said:


> I have lost all trust in him. I do not feel at all secure... Really I am so hurt and I cannot quit replaying the night, he got in my face with, "You haven't change a bit!!" How have you changed!?" He wants me to study the bible with him, but everytime I do, it turns into him preaching at me, which is a big turn off to me.


Well, it is a useful question, whether you've changed. All religions tell us we should change all the time, and neuroscience says that if we don't, we risk shortened lifespans and a lack of fulfilment. However, I don't think "have you changed" necessarily leads to any claims that reading the bible is what you need to do. After all, reading the same book over and over is not change!



MrsBeaver said:


> He said he loves me (which he states is because love is a choice and he chooses to every morning) We are actually very distant... we don't touch or kiss) There is just no real affection there, anymore.


Love is a whole lot of things. It is a choice, yes. But one does not show love by saying I love you. It comes across in actions. Mostly we feel love when someone shows that they are supporting our emotions. Read articles about "emotional support" by Sue Johnson. Don't buy her books, they're badly written. In my opinion, love in a couples context does require two-way engagement, and it doesn't sound like you have it.



MrsBeaver said:


> I feel like he looks at other christian women and wishes I were like thim.


I don't see how this is relevant.



MrsBeaver said:


> I have 3 good jobs that I work.


Holy camole, how can you have three good jobs? A good job doesn't require you to have a second and third job in order to pay enough. How can you have three jobs and have enough time left for a relationship? Is he perhaps crying out for you to be more available? I can't even imagine 3 jobs - just the drive time to three different work places would consume a lot of time. Unless you live in a town of 5,000 and everything's a block away!



MrsBeaver said:


> I keep the house and the yard. I " take the trash out"


I presently do laundry, house cleaning, maintenance of one lawn and four acres, food shopping, bill-paying, car maintenance for four cars, two houses, one woman and three teenagers. Takes me a scant 8 hours a week. Meh. I don't do the cooking because she is a master chef and it is her happiest joy to prepare meals, after which I clean up the very messy kitchen she creates.



MrsBeaver said:


> He does fix anything around the house, and if I can't do it, it just goes neglected. I have quit asking him to fix things, because there is just no point.


Since you have chosen to bring this up and are not expressing joy, I assume that you consider this a bother, at minimum, or are whining.

On this basis, I'd say you have too much house for the couple's ability to keep up with it. If I were you, I'd propose moving to some place with no yard, and preferably a rental so that you are not expected to repair things.



MrsBeaver said:


> He spends his time either reading the bible or associated books or watching T.V. (and get this the shows he watches are 'fix-it' shows!
> 
> He has a good job; manual labor, which pays well, but he does need to find another job, because this one has taken a toll on him.


I really have to question your use of the phrase "good job". You have three jobs which are each so horrible that they're not adequate without two other jobs, yet you call them "good". He "needs" to find another job because this one takes a toll on him, yet you call it "good". Just what ARE your criteria for a "good" job? Sounds like you're willing to accept pure terror and call it "good"!!!



MrsBeaver said:


> Please tell me what I need to do and/or what I am doing wrong. I just feel like I am getting the bible thrown at me and stood up and jeered at (You haven't changed at all!"
> 
> I am so hurting and crying inside... I cannot take this much longer.
> 
> ...


1) Don't go overseas. Tell him that maybe he does love you, but you aren't feeling it, and therefore, the relationship is not healthy. It takes two people to feel that it's healthy. Maybe ask him why he thinks it's healthy? Travel takes a bad relationship and makes it worse. On this one, I have experience. More than once, I've gone on trips with women I've been dating, usually for a year or more, because they took this exact trip with an ex-husband and while on the trip, realized it would have been a lovely trip if they'd done it with someone they liked spending time with. Based on what he says, he does not like spending time with you, nor do your words indicate that you like spending time with him.

In fact, in my opinion (just my opinion!), telling your husband that you think the relationship needs to improve before you take this trip SHOULD show him your dedication to helping things to get better.

2) Best I can tell, all religions are intended to operate in a community of some sort. A house of worship. You could show him your commitment to Christianty by joining a church, or perhaps engage with him on how to find the right church. Or heck, you could just flat-out join one and tell him this is your way of getting closer to God. 

In any case, having joined a church, seek out the pastor/reverend/whatever title, and discuss your issues to get some guidance. Your husband is unlikely to take the advice of a lay counselor (psychologist), but perhaps a person of God could provide some guidance - perhaps reference to bible verses or interpretations of the bible - that would help your husband handle his personal religious needs without making you the 'bad girl'.


I'm old and jaded when it comes to people who use religion as a tool...if it were me, I'd leave all my house keys in his lap and walk out and never look back. But you must believe there's something worth saving, so good luck!


DD


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MrsBeaver said:


> All of this he has decided that God told him.


Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you decided to play this game and go "Hun! Guess what? God just spoke to me too!"


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

The previous poster who wrote that God cannot be bought is exactly right. There are many teachers in this world who are far more interested in filling their collection plates than in making sure their followers learn the correct truths about God. And, sadly, many people are deceived into supporting them. They make great swelling promises about how God "gives back", but ignore the truth that the contributions given by their followers are God's, already, in the first place.

Isn't it marvelous how God, even in the face of your husband's error, has continued to supply for both of you out of His bountiful supply.... both in the physical realm and in the spiritual.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

uhm...Wow! Dusty Dog... that was some reply.... I guess I did not make myself clear on several things.... I was just trying to clear my head and write it, down.

My 3 jobs involve all part time work amounting to approx. 40 hours a week. They all pay well enough for me, but what makes them "good" to me is I enjoy doing them.

My husband's job pays well also, but it is manual labor and he is tired of doing it... sore feet and some back issues... I do not blame him, wanting to find something else to earn a living at, but he thinks and has said to me that God will provide it and he doesn't have to be proactive in seeking it.
We are in a good church. I do enjoy it (it is our 6th church hop!) 

Counseling does not require a degree, you are correct, but it does help to have empathy and the ability to just guide a person and not push them (pushing will not help, it has to be their decision).... what happens when they do not do what you are telling them to do? That it the test of a good counselor

I am not whining that I have to do the work around the house, I actually do not mind it.... except when it comes to things that get neglected, because he won't do it.... I seriously see an oxymoron, when he is watching all these fix it shows and yet does nothing... and to clarify, a rented home, most often requires the same type of attention.

I know I am in a spiritually abusive marriage.... 

I am scared okay!!!!


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

He seems to have a pattern of "crazy making" that is a form of denial.

For example, watching shows on home maintenance and doing none. Pretending to be a servant while being a burden.

Who ya gonna believe? Him, or your lying eyes?

Watching home maintenance videos is the demonstration he is concerned with home maintenance. Except our eyes are watching him do none. To a person not well-versed in manipulation, this sort of thing is confusing. "I deny that I do no maintenance because look at all of this research I do..." He doesn't need to say it, and in fact not saying it is an advantage. Because if he says it, then you can point out that his actions speak a lot louder than words. 

A lot of forethought goes into this kind of manipulator's actions. Saying that God told him to do something is clever because he is the only one who can vouch for what God told him. 

You can't argue or discuss with this type of person. You can only present them with choices, and the consequences attendant to the choices. When they try to argue, you just say "that is my decision". They are experts at baffling you, derailing, diverting, etc. So you can't allow it.

Make no idle threats. Never present them with a consequence you are unprepared to follow through with.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> I know I am in a spiritually abusive marriage....
> 
> I am scared okay!!!!


It's good that you are aware of what's really going on rather than believing the ridiculous things he is saying. Your husband is clearly not thinking right.

What are you afraid of?

You have three jobs that you enjoy, but can you support yourself if you decide to divorce?

Your husband is not living as a married man. He is living as a man with a servant.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

yes I am a servant.....but now I am a *****y servant....which I am not proud of...but this has been my married life... This is just the new curve ball; I could tell you things from the past 30 years, that I have put up with...but I will save it for the counselor, tomorrow...Just praying she is good and can see this for what it is and can offer me some help.

I can't walk away from this so easily.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> yes I am a servant.....but now I am a *****y servant....which I am not proud of...but this has been my married life... This is just the new curve ball; I could tell you things from the past 30 years, that I have put up with...but I will save it for the counselor, tomorrow...Just praying she is good and can see this for what it is and can offer me some help.
> 
> I can't walk away from this so easily.


You don't need to tell us.
No counselor is going to tell you what to do unless you walk in with a tooth missing and massive facial swelling.

You can pray all you want, be completely coereced,
And stay stuck on the HAMSTER WHEEL.

Abuse in, Abuse out.
Gee- I had a good week! Ruh- roh- next week is coming and you feel the storm brewing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrsBeaver said:


> yes I am a servant.....but now I am a *****y servant....which I am not proud of...but this has been my married life... This is just the new curve ball; I could tell you things from the past 30 years, that I have put up with...but I will save it for the counselor, tomorrow...Just praying she is good and can see this for what it is and can offer me some help.
> 
> I can't walk away from this so easily.


I'm not recommending you divorce him, but I am recommending that you start making some healthy boundaries with him and not allow him to control and manipulate you. Easier said than done, but Rome wasn't built in a day either. You have to start somewhere.

If you do decide to divorce him after 30 years, it won't be easy, that's for sure. However, freedom from oppression isn't easily won. You have to weigh your options and not decide to stay based on already having been in the marriage for all this time. Stay because you love him and think he's a great person, but not because you already spent 30 years in hell, so what difference will another 30 years make.


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## MrsBeaver (Mar 8, 2018)

I guess that is what I am looking for right now...someone to help me learn to set up better boundaries, with him. I know I can leave, that is, though a final step.

None of the past counselors have recognized the abuse or chose to help deal with it. I have only really put it together myself, and been able to put a label on it.

Seriously if this is how Christ would treat His church, no one would be a christian....

Thank you all and SandCastle: I do not intend to stay on this hamster wheel.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I recommend you start doing some reading that may help you gain clarity.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick may be very helpful to you. Here is a link to her page on Amazon, she has several books that might be helpful to you. https://www.amazon.com/Leslie-Vernick/e/B003KJ15AW/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

The link takes you to her page that has more links in the left side bar to her YouTube channel and her blog. Both are things that can help you right now.

Patrick Doyle is terrific to listen to. He really gets what makes a relationship healthy and what doesn't. You might enjoy listening to some of his videos. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=patrick+doyle+counselor

There is hope and help for you. Check out these resources for a Christian perspective on what he is doing. They do not condone what your husband is doing to you and they offer insight and responses.


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