# Why do people get married?



## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

I have been dealing with my bf for over 7 years on and off. We have been through it all, or should I say I have been through it all with him. Till this day I still hurt tremendously about a lot of different things. I dont know what happend but it took me to get feed up and walk away when about 3 or 4 months later he came begging me to work it out. I had my doubts but I decide to try it again. For the last 6 months he has done a complete 360 he has really been tryin to gain my trust and put in his work to make things work. However our relationship is still crippled becasue I still hurt from past situations. I dont let him know how I feel becasue we talked about it before when we decided to try this relationship thing one last time and he asked me to let go of the past. He probably thinks that I have but I havent and for that I am starting counceling on Wednesday because I dont know how to let it go and begin trustin him again. (He knows I have major trust issues with him, but I have been trying really hard not to continue to throw it up in his face. Becasue when you dont trust every little thing they do seems like they are being sneaky or cheating or flirting and I dont know how to stop thinking that way. Anyways him and his family have been throwing up the marriage coversaton for quite a while but I ignore it or just sayin something smart to get myself out of it. I do love this man dearly but if marriage is sticking by each others side through thick n thin, I dont think I have the strenght to do it with him, becasue I have already been through enough. I jsut feel like if marriage is anything like what ive been through when it comes to dealing with the ruff times, then I dont want to be married. So I ask myself why do people get married?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I got married to my wife because I loved her, wanted to spend my life with her and have a family with her.

Bob


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

People get married for lots of different reasons: some marry for love, some for money, some for convenience or even out of fear of being alone. 

The first thing I would suggest to you is that you do need to let go of past hurts. They do interfere with the future, as well as the present and make it nearly impossible to make a relationship work. You've already realized you need to do this, and counseling is a great way to start with that. But make sure that you go into the counseling with the idea that you want it to work and that you will do whatever it takes to make it work. 

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, with the right person, under the right circumstances. Right now, you're unsure, confused, upset, hurt, angry, all things that don't contribute to a happy, healthy marriage. I would continue with the relationship as just a relationship until you get past those feelings and get on more stable ground. 

If nothing else, counseling may help you realize that this just isn't going to work, and it would be better if you weren't married and didn't have to untangle all that to get out. And best case, the counseling helps you work through your issues, and you discover that you do want to get married. 

I would also suggest that if/when you do decide to get married, that the two of you get some couples counseling. I didn't do it before my first marriage, and I probably wouldn't do it this time around either, but that's because I figured out on my own the problems with communication that I had, and I worked on them. And when I met my boyfriend, I found in him someone that could/would communicate the same way I do, so we don't have any issues there. But, given the issues you and your boyfriend are having, I think counseling that helps you learn how to better communicate could be useful. In the meantime, either in your counseling, or by getting some self help books, you might be able to work on your own communication skills, which might help a bit. But it sounds like he needs to work on his as well, which is where the couples counseling comes in. 

As for his family pushing for marriage, you can keep doing what you're doing or just be honest with them and tell them that you're just not ready to get married yet. If they ask why, just tell them that you have your reasons, it's nothing against him or them, you're just not ready yet.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> As for his family pushing for marriage, you can keep doing what you're doing or just be honest with them and tell them that you're just not ready to get married yet. If they ask why, just tell them that you have your reasons, it's nothing against him or them, you're just not ready yet.


Fantastic advice. But the last part I’m not at all sure of. First off I don’t agree with parents who “push for marriage”, sounds to me like pretty heavy interference even before a marriage.

But what I don’t understand is your recommendation that Nooneknowsme doesn’t say what’s actually wrong. Something like “I love you, I want to get married to you and be your wife but before I can do that there are issues between us that we must resolve”.

“No one knows me” surely while she’s not declaring her true emotions the young lady will stay that way. And her boyfriend and her parents will stay confused.

Bob


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Fantastic advice. But the last part I’m not at all sure of. First off I don’t agree with parents who “push for marriage”, sounds to me like pretty heavy interference even before a marriage.
> 
> But what I don’t understand is your recommendation that Nooneknowsme doesn’t say what’s actually wrong. Something like “I love you, I want to get married to you and be your wife but before I can do that there are issues between us that we must resolve”.
> 
> ...


What I meant was...I'm a very private person. I wouldn't want my family or my boyfriend's family to know all of our little problems. So, I wouldn't want to tell his family, or my own, that we're not getting married because of X, Y, Z and oh, yeah, A, B and C as well. So, my suggestion was a way for her to be honest with them ("I'm not ready to get married yet"), without coming right out and telling them everything. I got the impression (perhaps mistakenly) that she was of a similar mind. She, of course, is certainly welcome to tell them all if that's what she prefers. To clear up the confusion a little more, I never meant to imply she shouldn't tell her boyfriend why she doesn't want to marry him. Certainly he should know exactly why, since he can't attempt to fix what he doesn't know is broken.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

don't want to be a know-it-all, but I always appreciate people correcting me when I'm saying something wrong...saves future embarrassment...

The phrase is "he did a complete 180." If he did a 360 he would be in the exact position he was in before. 180 is the complete opposite


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Wow. I’m finding when I re read posts I missed so much first time round. I understand TruckersGirl, or at least I think I do.

The young lady’s been through it all before. Love surely is a funny thing! Haven’t got to be married, be wearing a ring for 5 or 25 years, have two or three children, mortgage and bills to pay to have relationship problems, just need to be together for a while.

But surely Nooneknowsme by putting up a big question mark and seeking help in places like this and counselling you are doing the right thing. You’ve invested over 7 years of your time. Right now you can walk away. That’s not so easy after you’re married and maybe have a few children. Good luck I hope you get your answers.

“I have been dealing with my bf for over 7 years on and off”. Is that truly how you summarise your past experience with your boyfriend? Sounds sad to me.

Bob


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I think 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to invest in a relationship. How much longer of your life are you going to devote to what has become a never-ending source of pain and distrust? I could see if you were married but because of what you've been through already, you are questioning "why get married?" Yet, you don't seem to be questioning the relationship, as if to say it's okay to stay but just don't get married.

As has been stated, marriage can be a wonderful thing. But you are not married, so there is no point continuing on with this relationship. Seriously, you need counseling to get over what has been done to you, when you should have had sense enough to know when to say when long before now. That is what dating and going together are for - to determine if this is the right person. You don't meet someone and decide "this is it" no matter how much you love them. You don't spend 7 years trying to make it work to the point that you can force yourself to marry them. You set boundaries in your life. These are standards by which you live - the dos and don'ts of dating.....what you will and will not tolerate.....what you will and will not do.....what you want and do not want in a man.....what you do and don't expect from him. You take everything about the relationship and every event of its duration and weigh those against your boundaries. Clearly, your boundaries (if you had any) have been violated in the worst ways and no telling how many times. And so much so that you boil with painful resentment. Why are you still putting yourself through this?

These questions, concerns, trust issues, etc. that you have are for married people, not people who are bf/gf. There was supposed to come a point long, long ago - if you had standards to live by - that you call it quits and move on to the next boyfriend. You were not supposed to take this stuff off of him. Whatever caused you this stress/pain/resentment/distrust, you were supposed to get the clue that he is not the right guy for you. Yes, marriage has problems, but no one is supposed to tolerate these things/behaviors that you have put up with and now cannot get over. You seem to think this is what marriage and relationships are supposed to be about, that these are the hard times they have to endure. No they are not. There are hard times to come in every relationship, but not every one of them should be a test of your loyalty, trust, and tolerance in relation to the violations of one's personal boundaries. Hard times involve personality clashes, getting to know each other beyond the surface facade, financial concerns, medical issues, family tragedies, etc. - extrinsic influences that normally people have no control over but must battle and endure nonetheless. Hard times doesn't mean all the self-inflicted hurt and pain people can possibly subject each other to.

You have decided to seek counseling for all the wrong reasons. Instead of trying to get over the pain and distrust he has caused you, you should be going to find the self-esteem you never had. Lack of self-esteem is the reason you are still with him. Lack of self-esteem is the reason you think you are supposed to remain. Instead, you want counseling so you can push the pain away and trust him again. For what? So you never, ever learn to say enough is enough?


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I agree w/Susan2010 about the lack of self esteem. I'm in a similar situation except i put up w/ it now for 12 yrs. My lack of SE, and fear of making a mistake have led me to the place i am at. You may get over the hurt of the past, but be sure to ask yourself if you REALLY love him, because i've learned that even though i have forgiven, i don't love him anymore. It has taken me all these years to come to that conclusion. Now we have a daughter and i feel trapped. 
I thought that "him making it up to me for the rest of my life" would make everything ok, and i could learn to love him, but being in a loveless relationship wears on you after awhile. Everyone deserves to be truly loved, even us low self esteem people who feel we don't deserve it!
Best wishes-
stumble


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

I completely understand what you are staying "Atruckersgurl", and that is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend knows exactly what my issues are with im. His family knows about our history but of course they dont know all the details. Its not like they are pushing us to get married, they just make little jokes here and there. Thanks for your advice it makes a lot of sense to me. And yes we will definly be going to counseling before we take that vow. I decided to go first so that I can work on my own issues and problems.


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

LOL! Thanks for correcting me. I appreciate it!


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Yes AFEH, that is a true statement. We meet each other at a REALLY young age, which was problem number 1. Because neither one of us really knew ourselves, what we really wanted, and what a real relationship was, so we went through our growing pains. But through all those years for some reason we found ourselfs always back with each other. I got hurt so much becasue of course me being a women I recognized myself and what I wanted before he did, and he was what I wanted.But he was still learing how to grow up(I guess you can say). Its wont be that easy to walk away because we do have a child together. I guess I shouldnt have left that part out.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Nice thread. Truely.
IT Does not matter WHY people get married. Reasons are all over the map and not always well thought out.
What DOES matter is why "YOU" would get married. If you dont see the reason or dont feel right... DONT.

Marriage is not a "phase" of relationship that if you dont get to, your relationship is bad/flawed. You can have a wonderful relationship, commited to each other till the end of time without "marriage". Marriage is the solidification of that already solid relationship and is mostly legal, means that you have benefits and rights as a wife or husband form a legal perspective. In terms of your "relationship" or how you interact means NOTHING. If you simply look at divorce rate you should be convinced that committment comes from the heart NOT paper.

As for your inability to "let it go", its just because you dont want to. You want to hang on to that pain for whatever reason.
You can hang onto it forever but it does not seem to be serving you well. If you meet someone new, it will only be a matter of time before you're carrying new baggage full of hurt. 
You also could "pretend" that you just met your BF, each time you wake up. Whats going on NOW? not the past. 

Hope your counseling works because whats happening has little to do with him and you will repeat the cycle because it not possible to NOT be hurt by the ones we love. Forgiving them, separates them form the people we dont "love"... which technicaly should not be anyone...but 

What you decied to do with your BF is really beside the point as you have a tendency to hang onto things like security blanket (yes even that pain) but you really dont need it. Open your hands and drop it like baggage (visualize that).

You can let him go, and thats fine if it the right thing for you. Just dont fool yourself into thinking that you wont feel like this in the future with someone else until you learn to deal with unhappiness, living without pain of the past and anxiety for the future. 
Ask yourself a question. What is wrong with whats happening NOW, if nothing, smile and go about your biz. If something needs changing.... change it, smile and go about your biz.

Sorry for over simplyfying but it is in fact that simple. Its all in your head.

all the best

sorry for long ramble


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Susan2010, I do question the relationship. If I cant see myself getting married to him, then there is no reason for us being togehter and wasting my time. I was just asking because it seems like married people go through so much....why do they deal with it when they can just be single and pain free. Even though I have not been married I have been though some very simular situations that they have and I dont have a ring, so I am sititng here like why should or would I move forward when I can just be single and pain free.

Like someone said before I am going to counceling to help let go of the past. I dont want to sit and continue tealking this stuff with the bf becase it would be like nagging him especially when he already know my pains. You are right about one thing I could recognize this is not where I really want/need to be. But truthfully in my heart I know I love this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I knew that years ago, I just want to let go of the past and am having difficulites with it.

I did set boundaries. Thats why we were off an on becasue I wasnt willing to deal with some of his BS or I realized that he wasnt the one for me. I dated inbetween, but my heart was always with him no matter how great the relationship.

Susan2010, I here what you are saying and it makes sense, but when you are in love you tend to deal with more and over look more. I am not saying its right, I am saying its hard. Saying one thing and doing when you are in love with someone is two different things. I am not a simple minded girl. I knew what was right, I knew what was wrong. I knew I should have walked away for good. Simple Right???No its not simple when your are caught up with deep emotional feeling for someone.

I disagree with you regarding the whole self-esteem thing. I dont lack self-esteem at all. Never have.

Susan2010, it seems as if you have never found that one person who has stole your heart because if you did you would understand why people deal with certain situations.You talk as if everything is easy. As if you should just follow the rule book. Everyone has rule, everyone has boundaries, but there is alwasys going to be at least one person that you break those rules for, it apart of life.


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Stumblealong, I dont have self esteem issues. I know that I could walk away, hurt for a while and at the end of the say be okay. I am not with him becasue I dont beleive in who I am, or I cant find better. I am with becasue I honeslty love that man. Not to toot my own horn, but for my age I am doing damn good for myself, way better than people my age or older. Self Esteem....not the problem. If anything I am confident.

After being on and off with this guy for seven years, I still get the jetters when I see him. I stumple at times when I talk to him on the phone as if I just meet him. I still smile at night when he lays beside, the touch of him still makes me quiver as if we were a new couple. I miss him tremendously when were not around. I can honestly say that I am in love with him. I has nothing to do with my self-esteem.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t think we ever stop learning about life, I’m 61 and still learning … as I grow up.

I met my wife when she was 16 and I was 18. Together for 4 years before we got married and we were on and off at times like a light switch. Wife became preggers and we got married. It was bumpy after we got married as well, at times we were in holes so deep there wasn’t any light and ruts so deep I couldn’t see over the top. But I think the love I felt for my wife was a very rare and unique thing for me, never felt the way I did about my wife for another woman in the 40 odd years we were together and I can’t see that I will in the future either.

It is difficult and at times very trying, but for me the joy and happiness I had far outweighed all of the bad. You’re doing a very sensible thing with counselling at this point in time. I sincerely hope you come out the other side with fulfilment no matter which path you choose to take.

Bob


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

63VINO! Can I saw WOW....that was welll said. You definatly made me see things from a different perspective. I actually sat nd thought deeply after reading your post. I beleive my main reason for not letting go of the past is becasue I have questions that I want to ask, things I want to know. But I havent asked them becasue I dont know if knowing the truth is the right thing or. I dont know if having those questions answered would damage my relationship or help me get over. I feel at times I dont need to know, becasue I need to look at and focus on the now. 

I want to thank you for your advice it was well spoken and understood.


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank You AFEH. Now I gotta get back to work.....lol


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Nooneknowsme said:


> 63VINO! Can I saw WOW....that was welll said. You definatly made me see things from a different perspective. I actually sat nd thought deeply after reading your post. I beleive my main reason for not letting go of the past is becasue I have questions that I want to ask, things I want to know. But I havent asked them becasue I dont know if knowing the truth is the right thing or. I dont know if having those questions answered would damage my relationship or help me get over. I feel at times I dont need to know, becasue I need to look at and focus on the now.
> 
> I want to thank you for your advice it was well spoken and understood.


Ok, here's something you can do, without counseling: These questions you have, consider the possible answers. Consider the most hurtful answer he could give you. Let's use, as an example, that you want to ask him if he ever cheated. The most hurtful answer he could give would be yes, he did. So...let's say you ask this question, and he gives this most hurtful answer. How do you think you would feel? How do you think this would affect your relationship? Would you stay or leave? Could you forgive and stay together? Or would knowing always haunt you? Now, let's say you don't ask, so you never have a definite answer as to whether or not he cheated. How do you think you would feel about THAT? How would THAT affect your relationship? Would you ever stop wondering, or would you always want to know? Would you imagine your own answers to that question, and treat him accordingly, and possibly unfairly if your own answer is not the truth? 

If you think about these questions in that sense, you may find that you don't really need or want the answers. And if that's the case, let it go. That whole don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer thing. Or you may find that some of the questions you don't really need answers, but there are one or two that you really do need answers to. Those are the ones you ask. If you feel it will give closure to a situation, that it will enable you to let go of one or more of those past hurts, ask it. 

With that said, if/when you come to the conclusions that there are X questions you need to ask him, you go to him and tell him you need to have a serious discussion with him when he has some time free. When the time comes, you just explain to him honestly that you are trying to let go of past hurts and make your relationship better. But that in order to do that, you have some questions about things that happened in the past that you really need him to answer. Tell him you are not trying to nag him, hurt his feelings, make him feel guilty, or anything like that. Explain that this is for your benefit, you need to hear these answers to let go, and that you won't punish him for anything he tells you. Of course, then you do have to be careful to follow through and not punish him for anything that really hurts you (by not speaking to him, kicking him out, leaving, stuff like that). I would tell him that you might need some time to think over whatever he tells you (to give yourself the space to do so without seeming as though you're punishing him).

Just be very careful to make sure that whatever questions you ask, that you are prepared to hear an answer you don't like or that hurts.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I fell in love with my wife when I was 18. I fell out of love 42 years later when I was 60. I fell out of love with my wife because of her resentment towards me. I know about resentment.

This is from Anger Disorder (Part Two): Can Bitterness Become a Mental Disorder? | Psychology Today. 
“Bitterness, which I define as a chronic and pervasive state of smouldering resentment, is one of the most destructive and toxic of human emotions. Bitterness is a kind of morbid character logical hostility toward someone, something or toward life itself, resulting from the consistent repression of anger, rage or resentment regarding how one really has or perceives to have been treated. Bitterness is a prolonged, resentful feeling of disempowered and devalued victimization. Embitterment, like resentment and hostility, results from the long-term mismanagement of annoyance, irritation, frustration, anger or rage".

The above finishes with “Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche noted that "nothing consumes a man more quickly than the emotion of resentment". My view? Resentment is not gender related. I know that as well.

My wife’s resentment cost me a lot emotionally, a heck of a lot. Financially to end my relationship with my wife, due to her resentment, is costing me around £200,000 or $3,000,000. That money is my investment in my mental health and my “happiness”. I’m now 61 without the ability to get that money back and yet I still consider that money well spent, well invested in me.

But how does one rid oneself of resentment? It’s easy for me. I see resentment as anger and dislike. Bitterness. I have absolutely no wish for anger and dislike to reside, to live inside of me, to be a Bitter Person. That is not who I am. I don’t have time for those things. Especially for the person I love, who gives me things and I’m committed to. So I Forgive. I forgive those that trespass against me. I’ve always been that way, it’s “who” I am. The Biblical text is a phrase I’ve just recalled.

I do know just how easy it is to say “Forgive”. I’m getting nearer to the day when I will forgive my wife for her resentment. But it’s taken me so far nearly 8 months to work through the anger and strong dislike I feel for her. I’ve forgiven my wife a lot of things, this is the hardest one I’ve ever gone through. I will never live with her again, I don’t even want to see her.

What’s the ideal way to let go of resentment? Emotional Honesty. Be emotionally honest not only with yourself but as importantly the partner you share your life with and “take” things from. But for some emotional honesty is I know Not Possible. It’s way too Risky.

Take the chance, take the risk, be prepared to be hurt and to hurt. Without emotional honesty there is no authenticity in your marriage. And because your marriage is not authentic, one day just like me you will wake and find you have been sharing your life with a stranger.

Nooneknowsme. You are doing so very well, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. Bless you.

Bob


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Nooneknowsme said:


> Everyone has rule, everyone has boundaries, but there is alwasys going to be at least one person that you break those rules for, it apart of life.


So very not so, Nooneknowsme. Not so on either point. Very few people have rules, which is the reason they ride the rollercoasters of emotions and indecision. You don't have rules. You just didn't like the things he did to you, so you broke up. But you went back.....and went back again because there were no rules.



Nooneknowsme said:


> Susan2010, it seems as if you have never found that one person who has stole your heart because if you did you would understand why people deal with certain situations.


Not so again. Of course there is a love of my life. No reason to think I did any less living than you. What I never found though was a person I loved more than I loved myself. Being respected and not hurt deliberately were more important than him because I love me more.



Nooneknowsme said:


> You talk as if everything is easy. As if you should just follow the rule book.


No, far from easy but following the rules is what keeps a person grounded and not plagued with pain and resentment. When faced with the complexities and intricacies of relationships, those standards, those rules keep a person grounded and on their path to happiness. Emotions are often too fickle to follow because there is no known destination, and I never wanted to end up wherever someone else decided to lead me. Everywhere you go in life, there are rules to follow, and they are there for a reason. People just don't see that rules/boundaries are necessary in personal relationships.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Sorry nooneknowsme for assuming that maybe you stuck with him all these yrs because of SE issues. I just kinda put myself in your place with being hurt by someone, yet continuing to go back to the same person that hurt you. MY issue i believe is lack of SE. But, i am working on that, and i'm improving Another difference you are truly awestruck by the man you love and love is not the issue for you, unfortunately i don't have the same feelings for my man. But, I am a true believer in LOVE, and i have been in love before and i miss it dearly, so cherish what you have 
stumble


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Stumblealong, no problem. I really hope that you fid the tyep of love you are looking for. I can defiantly understand where you are coming from. Congratulations on working on yourself! Knowing you have a SE issue is the first step to getting better and I am proud of you! Good Luck with yourself, finding out who you are, and what you want/need.


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

Susan2010 I am going to agree to disgree with some of the stuff that you are saying. But I definatly appreciate your opinion! You seem like a very strong individual, hands down to you for sticking to your guns! Where would I be if I would have stuck to my guns?????????? I dont know and I guess I will never know. Im am going to try this counseling thing, like someone stated before I could go in and end up realizing thats hes not the one. Or I could go in and realize that he is the one. I will defiantly keep you updated! I like your personality .


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## Nooneknowsme (Jul 12, 2010)

I want to THANK EVERYONE for their opinions, suggestions, and ideas. It was good to hear different perspectives. I will keep you all updated. Have a great evening! Good Luck to everyone else in their situations!


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