# Separated but in same house



## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

My wife of 11 years are now separated due to my inability to listen to her and talk about my emotions and feelings. Complimenting and spending more time with her. Telling her how beautiful and pretty she is more often. Showing her she matters in my life and i need her in my life. she has told me this over the past few years and I would get better but slip back into my comfortable state of mind. 

I still live in the house along with our 4 children as well as her but different rooms. I'm not sure how to act around her. Do I still tell her I love her on a daily basis? Do I try to make physical contact with her? Do I tell her nice things about her? I can't take this anymore and it has only been 5 days. I miss her already and we still live in the same house! 

She wrote a separation agreement and made us sign it. She says she may want to date, I have no desire to date. There are rules in there about dates, basically don't let kids know about them. This really hurt and I don't hurt easy. I had to sign this thing or she threatened to go straight to divorce. She is telling her friends that we are separated until money issues are resolved (buying affordable car for her, selling house and what not). It looks to me like she plans on divorce no matter what the hell I do she just needs more time for financial advantage.

I need help. Anybody out there with some advice...
Hurting in OK.ray:


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Don't sign it. She will play you whenever she feels like it. I would tell her to move out also. She shouldn't have her cake and eat it too. That would be the quickest way to get her back if you want. If not she will see you weak and really not come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

A separation agreement? Made you sign it? I would consider consulting with an attorney in order to know your rights. She threatened and bullied you into signing her separtion agreement.

Its time to take back some control. You are so scared to lose her that you will do anything to hold onto her, including signing some separtion agreement she drafted after 5 days.

Once an individual makes up their mind on divorce there is not much you can do. I encourage you to be the best you possible and let her see the changes in you.

Do you think there is another person involved?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Loving Husband said:


> Don't sign it. She will play you whenever she feels like it. I would tell her to move out also. She shouldn't have her cake and eat it too. That would be the quickest way to get her back if you want. If not she will see you weak and really not come back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From what I read, he already signed it. Let's hope it not somethng that will hold up in court if she is trying to screw him over.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the previous posters.

She sounds like she already divorcing you. She's just waiting that she's financially stable. 

She wants to date. She not looking to reconcile.

Kick her out and let her tough it out.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree with Corpus. 

And dating while you're living together and separated? That's so uncool and mean of her.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I asked her if there was somebody she wanted to date and she said "no, why, is that what you think?". I said "thats what is kinda seems like".

I did sign it cause she threatened to divorce right then. I hope I didn't screw myself. There wasn't much in that agreement other than equally helping with bills, housework, kids that sort of thing.
no sex with anybody else, divorce first. nothing serious, divorce first. No negative comments on facebook. She will continue to speak to somebody at our church about this and I should do the same. Thats basically it.

If I kick her out the kids will want to go also and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Although this is "my" house, in my name only and I guess I could kick her out, don't want to go without seeing her though. I really love this woman.

I am trying to be the best I can but not sure how to be around her. Do I still tell her nice things and tell her I love her?
Physical contact if she doesn't stop me?

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I'm just not sure what to do here.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

She also told me today after work that we should both make a list of things we own that we want if we were to divorce. This really worries me. What do you guys think? 

I'm trying to get her to go to counseling with me besides seeing the pastor at church. I have not been to see him but I feel it would benefit us more to see a lic professional that a man that is guided by God who basically told her to follow her heart. Not to offend anybody I hope.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She is divorcing you. Go to see a lawyer and protect yourself.

And of course there is someone she wants to date. She wouldn't be doing this if there were not. 

I doubt the agreement you signed holds any water. But see a lawyer on it.

I can't believe you'd sign something because she threatened to divorce you right away. It does take some time to divorce. Further, if she's hell bent on divorcing you, nothing you can do will stop it. And it seems as though she's hell bent on divorcing you.

So do what you have to do -- she's already told you what you need to know. You will be divorced. It is just a matter of when.

Proceed with plans to divorce and continue to ask her if she'd be willing to work on the marriage. One does not preclude the other. But don't be a fool and give her the world. If she wants out, let her work for it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Dobo this is a doormat.. He is not doing anything to help marriage only prolong.. Bob grow some and don't let her push you around. Your only chance to save this is to stand up for yourself and make her leave. Tell her to go ahead and divorce you and kick her to the curb.. Let reality hit her in the face. Not everything she says now is how she feels but could be the current emotion..


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## feelingblue (Sep 30, 2009)

I completely agree. Sound like you are being walked on and the only way to be walked on is if you are laying down. She needs to go so she can get a dose of reality. Why would you agree to help her leave you by getting her a car and selling YOUR house? If she wants a divorce, let her have it but make her do the work for it.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I think maybe I've been walked on for 11 years or so. I still love this woman and made a commitment "til death do us part". 

I just wasn't thinking right when she had me sign that stupid agreement. She signed it also. I am pretty sure she still loves me, she says she does. But I must work on myself first. I think some of her dumbass single late 30's friends are influencing her and wanting another drinking buddy. She hasn't drank in 11 yrs and all of a sudden the past month has been going to the "bar" a few times and some get togethers and has been drinking there.

I'm afraid if I make her leave she would not want to come back and it would end up being another messy divorce like her first marriage. But he was a bit abusive, mostly verbally and cheated.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Bob you are gettiing plenty of good advice here - start following some of it. 


Stop putting her needs first - only if you put your needs first can you go forward. She can and will look after herself - 
You are in pain anyway - it won't be any worse if she isn't there - and you will have time and space to work on you.

Swing into action. See a solicitor, understand your rights. communciate with her civilly about children and assets - don't help her move, but make it clear that she must. 

AND NO don't say anything 'nice' to her she's behaving appallingly...


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

You guys really think so? I'm worried about our kids, she's gonna want to take them with her. I think she has some deeper hidden issues that she is not aware of and a good therapist will bring those to light.

She told me today that I needed to get one of the vehicles in her name so she could have a car. I didn't think I could do that cause I was the only one listed on the loan.

I'm just hurt by her recent activity, actions and words. Maybe those cysts on her brain are causing her to behave this way. Still waiting for MRI results.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes she is - 

BOB - it is academic at this stage why she is doing it - only time wil give you the answer there...

As for the kids - you have rights - as well as resposnisibilities 

Now I don't know your situation - as least disruption to them is preferable but a good family counsellor can help you through the logistics...
You will be worried about them - and there is no easy solution
With a counsellor you can make a list of options and you will proably go through transitional arrangments - they may start with 
1. Kids stay in family home with you - your wife spends some time there when you are not. (I did this with my H while he was finding somewhere to live - I spent a few nights a week elsewhere) 

If you split and you are primary earner you will have to support them wherever they are - 

And if she is primary care-giver it will be in their best interests to be with her wherever she is... depends on ages etc...

You wife needs to negotiate he way through separation and divorce - not make demands - 

If this is the wauy she is accostomed to having her needs met she in for a rude awakening -

Why is everything in your name? Doesn't she work?


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

In my name cause her credit was destroyed from her previous marriage and all the lenders didn't want her name on anything.
Evedentally I was supposed to get her name on the car we have now but when I went to get it tagged they just put my name on it. Maybe cause loan in my name only, same as house. Other car is in my name cause I had it when we got married.
She works full time and makes about half of what I do.
I don't think she will go to family counselor either, says we can't afford it.

Man this is hard! Damn!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Okay - so she is not good with money and relies on you for this?
She doesn't need to go to family counsellor - but you do -
of course you can afford it - it's priority number 1!
Yep it's going to be the hardest thing you've done in your life...
but try to treat it like a job -


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

She is the one who handles our finances all these years and has done a pretty good job. I think she just using that as an excuse or something.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

So she is good with money? Well that doesn't fit with not finding $100 for a counselling session...of course it's an excuse - does she think divorce is without a dollar cost? 
If she's been through one she would know better...but I can still here you talking about her 
BOB what are you going to do?


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I don't want to lose her! I really love this woman and the thought of coming home from work and not seeing her face kills me! 
I don't know what to do. Thats why I'm here. Getting as many ideas and opinions as possible and try to get my head straight.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

We know that you don't want to lose = we aren't sending you this advise so that you can lose her - but all you can do is control YOU 
and the advice we are giving you is actually geared to helping you look after yourself - 
she will leave you if she wants to - end of story -
but you are crazy to help her along the way - 
you can choose to ignore what folk are telling you - that's a completley valid choice -
but I am not sure that you are going to get too many diiferent opinions from those that have been posted - read through our threads 
we have been there - sure no-one knows what the future holds - but people do similiar things in these situations...
if you read some posts you'll see that...


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

any of u guys think that stupid agreement I signed will hold up in court? Should I get rid of it if I have to?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

See a lawyer? Are we speaking in code?

SeE aL awYer!1


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm starting to think when I leave Pfizer my next job will be to offer "fake GF" to a bunch of guys who need to prove to their wives that they're not without options.

DUDE! STOP BEING A DOORMAT.

Can we start a FAQ on this??


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

can you do me up fake bf as well?


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Bob I know this is a very tough time for you and obviously not what you had hoped for in your marriage. And we can all see that you are holding onto that hope that things will work out which we have all done. 
However, hope is not going to save your marriage and it can not be a one sided deal. From what you have said, your wife is not exhibiting any interest in saving your marriage and as much as you can hope to change her mind, you can not. You might be able to give her some time & see if she sees anything more clearly in a few weeks/months. 
But in the meantime, it is important that you work on you & come to terms with your current situation. Like many have said above, you need to look out for yourself - just as your wife is looking out for herself. I really don't think whatever you signed can hold too much weigh if your wife drafted it & it just outlines paying bills, etc. But by having her put in it writing, it seems like she is more serious than just talking about it. 
I want you to stop blaming yourself what you could have/would have. sounds like your wife demanded a lot of attention - needing to be told how beautiful she is & how important she is - no wonder you got tired of it. sounds like she was very controlling in your relationship which is not healthy - marriages should be a partnership. 
Even if she will not go to counseling, I think you might benefit from it & to get some guidance on how to deal with your emotions. If cost is a factor, maybe you can look into if either your or your wife's employer offer an Employee Assistance Program - often several free session & possible continued sessions at reduced rate. Regardless of the cost, don't you think it is worth it for your own well being and a small price to pay if there is hope to save your marriage? 
Living together during this difficult time is tough for a number of reasons - some of which you are dealing with right now - not sure how to act around her & that uncomfortableness. I know when my husband I seperated intially - I didn't want him to move out because I felt we should be together working on us - not getting further apart. But in hindsight - I wish I would have pushed for the physical seperation & made him stick to it. In my situation, I let him come home several nights a week ( for fear he would get closer to the other woman because we were dealing with infidelity). I think if he had gotten a good taste of what it was going to be like to loose him family then he might have straightened up. But I made it too easy for him out of fear of loosing him.

So as much as you don't want it, I really think it will be easier on you, to physically seperate during this time - To clear your head & reassess your situation. As others have said, it would be a good idea to consult with a lawyer. Although you don't seem ready to take any drastic action at the moment, it is a good idea to know your rights. They may be able to advise you putting a car in her name, etc. Due to the impending situation, I would not do that without getting legal advice as it may make things more complicated. 

good luck & you know where to come for help & advice.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Bob kick her out and see a lawyer. Protect yourself and your kids. This women is not the type of women right now that is healthy for you. It sounds like shes been this way for a LONG time.. Please listen to all the good advise. We are here to save marriages not ruin them. We all have been through this one way or another and the way your going at it isn't going to save your marriage.. It's like your hanging onto a branch and if you move you'll break it so you sit still. Problem is you can't sit still forever and you eventually will get tired and let go.. Remember things change fast. If you doubt it look at my thread if you have a few days to kill.  My wife went from telling me she hated me and calling the cops onto me to loving me more then she has in years. Please just take the advise..


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

hey bob - how's it going?


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

not too good. I am living at my moms house. She is living at our house with the kids. Didn't want to cause any more problems than I have so I left. I see the kids every night when I get off work.

This is very hard on me. She is telling her family that she and the kids are staying here through the holidays and then she has to find someplace else to live. I am at a loss here. We are both seeing a counselor at our church but I'm not sure it is doing any good or not. It is probably just adding fuel to the fire. I really want my family back! I miss my wife! I miss my kids! I miss my dogs! I miss my house!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

why is she saying she has to find somewhere else to live? sounds like you moved out so she could stay with the kids. 
I know this is a tough time but believe in yourself. Try to stay positive & focus on that. Be grateful that you can see your kids everydday - not too many people in your situation can do that & would be jealous. 
Thats great you are getting some professional help to guide & support you in this process. Again remain positive and if you wife isn't going to put in the effort, you can still benefit from it. Try to evaluate what went wrong & how you might do things different in the future. Think of it as a ( very painful) learning experience.


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