# Bring on the porn



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

So lets say hypothetically that a guy has some porn issues in that without watching porn he has a very hard time getting off.

Lets say that he's not really noticed the issue too much because with new chicks he's really into pleasing them over being pleased himself and he hadn't dated anyone for a significant amount of time in a number of years so this issue wasn't really noticed.

So then his new girlfriend who appreciates how he can go the distance at first but then wants to please him as well starts asking questions about what to do that he would like as well so his fantasies get explored but still he's not able to orgasm with any regularity. So then they get into some mutual masturbation and what should take 5 minutes takes an hour without porn in the equation so he's starting to notice that maybe he has a problem and it worries him a bit.

So now he's got some performance anxiety on top of everything because he knows his girlfriend is happiest when their sex leaves them both smiling and he's worried that he won't be able to get off and he's wondering whats wrong with him. He's quite happy and enjoys sex that leaves her all satisfied whether he gets off or not but she isn't quite as happy with it that way.

Then she starts giving him his time where she wakes him up with blowjobs that is very nice but it still takes 45 minutes of this whereas if they had brought some porn into the bedroom it might take 10 minutes before he blows his load.

Added to all this, he's started working some very long days doing physical labor and the idea of spending the couple hours of rigorous activity they usually take when they go for a romp seems more tiring than inviting so the sex gets less and less often. If she starts it he goes along with it but he just can't bring himself to start it because he is so tired these days and because he's just not into it she's keeping it quick and to the point so it kind of feels like a chore.

He will find his release a couple times a week going back to the good old porn on the sly that gets the job done in 5 or 10 minutes.

The girlfriend has no problems with porn and has brought it into the bedroom a couple times and that was pretty good.

The girlfriend is getting less and less satisfied about the way things are going and trying to talk to the guy hasn't gotten them anywhere. Their communication about bedroom issues seems to have hit a wall so now neither of them are very open about their intimacy. She won't bring it up because she doesn't want to add stress to the issue or start nagging about it and he's just avoiding any discussion revolving around this.

Now the girlfriend is thinking to keep the sexual peace between the two of them that she should just accept his issues and make porn a part of their sex lives. It kind of hurts her feelings a bit that she doesn't do it for him on her own but realizes this is his issue, not hers and this would be a solution that would bring sex back into their relationship.

The girlfriend really wouldn't mind if the porn were necessary all the time and the doing nothing and waiting to see how this issue resolves itself is driving her insane. An added bonus would be that the communication will likely get started again.

So, hypothetically, what are your thoughts?


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## flnative (Jul 16, 2011)

Get rid of the porn...


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

As long as you keep using the porn, you are the one with the problem. It can desensitize you to real sex and what a real woman wants and needs. 

There is no BONUS in using porn instead of the real thing and it's sad that your g/f feels that is the only way that she is going to be able to get what she needs from you.

Porn should only be used to supplement an already healthy sex life, but that isn't what you are talking about here.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I'm the girlfriend by the way. I really have no control over him and his issues (aka porn) but I do have control over my reaction to it.

Since he's not taking care of things on his own, and this is so affecting our sex lives, I'm not sure what to do.

Honestly, in all other things he is the most perfect mate and as much as I love him if something doesn't give on this front soon I don't know if I can keep on.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

tpb72 said:


> I'm the girlfriend by the way. I really have no control over him and his issues (aka porn) but I do have control over my reaction to it.
> 
> Since he's not taking care of things on his own, and this is so affecting our sex lives, I'm not sure what to do.
> 
> Honestly, in all other things he is the most perfect mate and as much as I love him if something doesn't give on this front soon I don't know if I can keep on.


Ouch.........I'm sorry. 

I guess you have to decide what your dealbreaker is. Maybe if he knows it's you or the porn he will choose you. (Hopefully so). If he doesn't choose you then you need to move on and find someone else who will. 

Do you think he has an addiction problem?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He is addicted to porn. This is a big problem, especially if he's not willing to seek professional help for it. Confront him and draw a line in the sand. Either he gets treatment or you walk. And trust me, you will want to walk if he doesn't get help. This type of thing can morph into no sex for you and escalating sexual addiction behaviors like sex chatting, meeting people for sex, etc. 

Good luck!


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I don't know much about the foundations of porn addiction or excessive porn watching.....but I'm just wondering if it's the same concept as for people who over-eat or over spend. 

I remember hearing once that people who over-eat don't have a food problem - they have an emotional problem that they try to satiate/comfort by eating (the same kind of thing for over-spenders).

So maybe it's the same for people who overindulge in porn - perhaps there's something underneath it all that's making them seek comfort in the porn. Cure the problem and the symptoms disappear maybe?

(sorry if I am stating the obvious to those who know more about the subject)


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think you are going to have to decide what is a deal breaker for you in your relationship. 

Since you can't change him and you can only take care fo yourself, you will just need to weigh the options here of your relationship. Continue to live the way you are, in hopes he may change, (which may or may not happen) or move on to a life you feel you deserve.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

I kind of wish I left my original thread up for you to read... the idea of "porn addiction" is debatable, however I do believe that for some men, porn desensitizes them to intimate sex with a loved one which is completely different than what is depicted in porn. My husband and I are currently working on this issue and are making good progress in re-establishing our intimacy, however this doesn't seem possible with porn in the picture. I was totally open minded about it until I realized that it was destroying our intimacy and pushing me out the door.

For some men, it seems to have addictive qualities, and that may be partly due to them avoiding facing sexual issues? Either way, it can be fixed with a loving partner, but only if you're both on board. My husband only "confessed" about his usage (I knew he used but not how much and not that it was a substitute for me) and that it was a problem when I was at a breaking point to where I realized we had to fix our intimacy issues or it would break us apart. He got on board and we're now fixing it together.

I feel your pain... remember, I also didn't realize porn could be a serious problem before all this. I was generally okay with him using b/c he said he believed it was okay when he was away but not when I was home. Problem was it took over his sexual energy and there was none left for me.  Accepting porn and making it part of your lives will not improve the intimacy between you two, imo. It may be as many people here have suggested: porn is only okay when your intimate life is already top-notch, but he has a higher drive and uses it so supplement. That is not your situation. Good luck.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think people can call it whatever they want, addiction, sexual dysfunction, sexual compulsive disorder, etc, etc,...what matters is if he is choosing it over you and the relationship. If its the be all to end all for him, and more important to him than you, let him have that screen, and you do what you need to do for yourself. If you feel you deserve a man whose attention will be on you, and the relationship and not with a screen, then you might be with the wrong person.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the whole being replaced by porn or an object stinks .

hey baby either you quit reading thoese romance novel and have sex with me or I'm gone argument or the quit spanking it to porn or i'm gone.

for me once it gets to that point i don't think I'd want them anymore.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> the whole being replaced by porn or an object stinks .
> 
> hey baby either you quit reading thoese romance novel and have sex with me or I'm gone argument or the quit spanking it to porn or i'm gone.
> 
> for me once it gets to that point i don't think I'd want them anymore.


:smthumbup: Yeah I agree. Unfortunately there are some people who do not want to or do not know how to connect with people. They were taught (most is learned behaviors) to connect with objects, not people. For some its to painful, to show emotions towards or with another human being whether its emotionally or phsycially. Its safe to bond with an object. Just like those who are drug addicts or alcoholics, they were taught somewhere along the way to bond with an object pills, the bottle etc,.its no different with porn. That object makes them feel safe. A human can hurt them, and we wouldn't want that.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please stick to offering constructive advice to our OP. No need to hijack this thread and turn it into another porn debate.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Please stick to offering constructive advice to our OP. No need to hijack this thread and turn it into another porn debate.


Point taken. I'll limit my debate.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

He needs to stop masturbating to porn. Watching it is fine, but if you have boring and infrequent sex masturbating to porn is potentially problematic.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinking that maybe you folks are focusing on the wrong part of the equation.

It is likely that the stimulation from his own hand has made him habituated to a more vigorous level of pressure and stimulation than you can provide.

He ought layoff any type of sex with you, with himself for a period of time to reset what stimulation intensity is necessary.

I believe he has desensitized his unit.

How old is he?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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