# Don't know what to do anymore?



## m4thgambit (Jul 2, 2011)

Ok so I am to the point where I don't know where to turn to or how to deal with all of this but I'm going to try to post here and see if anyone can help with advice or just another point of view.

Start at the beginning, we met while we were in high school. I was a senior and she was a junior. We met and hit it off. It was fun. Honestly, I needed a date to my senior prom and I just got out of a relationship that ended with her wanting to see if anything was there between her and her long time guy friend. We had a great time at school, prom, and afterwards. I really liked her. It was time for me to go off to college but I felt different about her. I wanted it to last. She was a really great girl. So we tried the long distance relationship stuff, it was just an hour drive away. It worked out fine. We talked a lot. She came to see me, I went to see her. Things were good. I even went to her senior prom.

My 1st year at college was over. I went back home for the summer. Got a job. I ended up staying at her house for the summer. It was nice. I didn't want to live in the dorms so I asked her to move in with me. She could go to school and we would take care of each other. We weren't at the same place academically but we thought she could work at it. We both worked to pay the bills and school. She didn't quite cut it academically.

3 years later, she got pregnant. I was about to graduate. She was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her education. I got a teaching job and I love it. 

2 years later, she is on her career path and we have our 2nd child. With childcare and raising 2 kids was difficult for her to find a job that could work around our work schedule. It was hard. We couldn't find one. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years. I admit that I found a job I loved but she was still unsure what career best suited her. 

Last summer started the worst time in my life. She cheated on me. This time it made her think about our life. I mean this time because she had cheated on me before with no clue. This time, however, was the time that made her realize that the thought of messing up our family did not come to mind. 

I grew up without a father. So did she. I was the baby. She was kind of the middle child. As the middle child in her family, she pretty much had to take care of everyone: her mom, her two older brothers and her little sister. She claimed to not have the regular teenage life of going out and partying and you know being the normal teenager. She was sort of the "mom" in her family. Her actual mom was and still kind of a wreck. I guess I wasn't the "normal" teenager. I cared more about education, since my mom wasn't able to go to college and my older sister was a drop out hut later got her G.E.D. and became an LVN. Granted she has 5 kids from at least 3 different fathers, but that's another story. I wanted to better my life. Have a family that I didn't have. 

So this started a whole mess of things. She resented me. I got my education. I got a job I love. I tried to help her as much aa I could to get her to find a career and get an education to get that career. Nothing worked. To this day she is not sure what she wants in a career. 

The time leading up to and after the infidelity, she went out to parties with her friends from work. Going to clubs, house parties, etc. Granted, I did at times enjoy my going outs with my friends from work but I never cheated on her. As parents, away from our home town, we couldn't find a good babysitter so we had fun on our own with our separate friend groups. We sometimes didn't really see each other or spend alone time. I worked during the day and she worked at night, to save money on daycare. I hated the situation but it was the hand we were dealt and I dealt with it. It was, I guess, too much for her. She didn't want a life with me no more. 

We had just signed our new lease on the apartment and had to wait ir out. So she lived with me and our daughters. She still saw this guy often. I was not pleased with the situation. I wanted to move on. Never really being married, her being with her guy I wanted to find someone that wanted to be with me. I found her but things didn't work out. 

Finally the lease was up and I needed to find a new place to live. I found one. Since I could afford it, I got the 2 bedroom for me and my girls. She could go and find a roommate or her own place. Financially, that could happen right away. So she moved in with us temporarily. Or so I thought. 

Her guy had got into a car accident and it turned out neither party was at fault so he was out of a car. Living with his mother, oh and this guy is a good 8 years older than us, he had no transportation. So she took it upon herself to drive him to work and home. Granted they work at the same place but he lives about 30 minutes away from work and our new place. So at times she chose to stay over at his place since it was more convenient.

I got tired of this and told her, if she wants to stay at his place, then stay there. I didn't like my place to be her "rest stop" between taking him home or work and when she had to work. Granted that time she could spend with her kids which to me didn't seem to be as important with the decisions she made.

This wasn't working out so well. She didn't get to see her girls as often. Financially she was hurting. He rarely helped her with gas moneys because he had his own teenage daughter to support since his daughter lives with her mother. After a lot of fighting and her crying, I let her stay at my place until she found her own. But she still drives him back and forth from home and work and occasionally staying there. 

Our oldest is in Pre-K and our youngest is at a great, inexpensive daycare. It is kind of difficult at time getting myself ready and them ready by myself when she's out and about but I can manage. 

We continually get into fights about her not being around the girls because she's either at work, not her fault, or transporting him here or there. Everytime her argument is that she doesn't see her girls. I always say that there are other things that can be done but she's trying the "help" him. 

I am at the very end of my rope. I struggling financially, paying all the bills at my place and the only help I get from her is half of the daycare that our youngest goes to. She has her own gas that she needs to put in her car, but I have to too. There have been times that she threatens to take the girls back to our hometown or to another place but how will she make it. I can barely do it and I make more than twice what she does. Then what, she going to put me on child support for her making the rash decision to take them away from me. I think im a great father and I do everything for them. I put up with her stuff, stress at work, and stress at home but I always come home and take care of my girls no matter what.

What should I do? I know she has sacrificed a lot but I feel like I have to. I don't get to have time by myself or with my friends as often as she does. This week so far, she has probably been with the girls about 5 waking hours. My emotional state cannot put up with a lot anymore. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Dude get the courts to decree something on this!!
If you feel you can do with a bit more time for yourself, and that she needs to be a bigger part of those girls lives, then figure out a way to mutually agree to a custody agreement and get it entered into the docket. this will also define exactly what visitation is in the event of one or the other moves away and protect your rights to seeing your kids on whatever grounds you agree to.
But unfortunately, this also involves the issue of "child support", and normally even though the concept is beautiful, it turns parents into gnashing dogs at each others throats becuase quite often neither of them has the money to pay the other. 
It all depends on who is deemed the "primary" custodian or has "primary" custody. In some states this has no bearing on how much child support is paid, but in others, it is the primary factor in who gets paid no matter how much time is spent or shared with the kids.
This is where the courts have set up the situation to where both parents must suddenly fight over who is the better parent, often involving trying to prove one or the other unfit, and assuming the primary custody role. The other parent then is responsible for paying child support. ALL if left up to the courts to decide. The best thing possible for ANYONE going thru this, is to try to reach an agreement outside of court. 
Many dads out there, are finding themselves facing an ex wife that has cheated, or had an affair. So many states automatically assume that the mother has a more caretaking relationship with the kids, and its a precedent that is just about written into the family codes of many states. Suddenly, a dad finds himself no longer able to see his kids full time, given the visitation of an ex-convict with them, has to pay his wife for support of those kids, and all along, she was the one who destroyed the family. Sure, the opposite arrangement can happen and has, but I dont see many mothers paying child support in TX anyways, while their husbands are primary conservators of the kids.
It goes back to both parents suddenly finding themselves trying to "prove" the other parent "unfit", in order to be able to be the decision maker and primary custodian of the kids, and sometimes it doesnt even have anything to do with the support being paid.

There are a lot of dads out there that are finding themselves in the situation of suddenly becoming "part time dads" who dont get to see their kids very often if at all, Every other weekend and one night a week is ridiculous compared to every day looking forward to their smiling little faces. 
Then he also finds out his exwife can move a hundred miles away and he cant do anything about it. Plus he finds himself in the financial situation of having to support those kids still, going by a state ordered guideline of 20% of his gross income after taxes.

I would think long and hard about what situation you want to happen with this. If you can get an agreement in place to give yourself a bit of free time, but not sacrifice the time with the kids, well then that would be a dream come true for millions of dads out there. 
I urge you to go check out dadsdivorce.com and read some of the stories there of dads who are just trying to get the chance to continue to be a part of their kids lives.


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