# Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its been 4 1/2 years and I'd say we have made a lot of progress and there have been really good times. However, life has really been difficult during that time for financial reasons, a serious problem with one of our children and other personal issues not all related to his affair. My confidence in myself was trashed as when I discovered the affair, he tried to make it all about me you don't do this, you don't do enough of that, you let yourself go (gained a whole 20 pounds since graduation), and other horrible comments. 

When I told him I was filing for divorce the night I discovered the affair (a woman 20 years younger than me, a whol 18 years old when he was over 40) he suddenly wanted to work on it. Now he wants to take all those comments back. He has apologize and said it was about him and he was trying to justify his behavior but is that true? 

I should add that since his business was going downhill I took on extra clients and was working from sun up until late in the evening and handling his business paperwork on top of that all while he was playing around. In the end it was fairly open too like he was flaunting it in my face and in the face of my kids! (He said she was a friend but she was always there at every family event etc.)

I wonder if I did the right thing by trying to make it work. I do believe he's truly sorry and he does try very hard to make it work. He has stepped up and tried to make life easier for me and he's there for me to talk to but I don't think I can talk to him about the affair. 

I have had so many things happen that have damaged my self-esteem. I left my great job due to lack of benefits, to provide health benefits for my family (which he ended up needing for surgery) and to ensure I had a steady check (same money but now guaranteed) and its come with a price. Due to layoffs etc. (I'm still employed) there have been some issues that have made me feel not valued (change in location from literally uptown to a bad neighborhood to double my commute, loss of office, etc.) So when I said I was struggling due to confidence and told him why he got angry and said 

"So you're going to bring this up for the100th time!" (the affair). Then "I'm not going there right now with you!"

Is that fair or am I being unfair? I wasn't blaming this issue on him but trying to explain why I lacked confidence. He told me that I felt the way I do now because I don't let things go. 

Is he blaming me for feeling badly now? Is he right? 

I don't know but those comments make me mad and I question my decision to stay with him and wonder if I've just wasted 4.5 years. He said he'd do whatever it took for as long as it took but I guess he had a timeframe...

Thinking about just myself, is it good to bring it up. I can't control how I feel so is there something that would help me. I try to change my thoughts when I feel this way or remember things he said or did. But my thoughts wander back. I'm not doing this on purpose I don't want to think about or remember things, I want to move on. I just haven't learned how to do that. 

Whether I stay with him or not, this is one thing I need to learn to do for me. 

One more thing I've told him several times it was important to renew our vows after all he broke them first ones right. It was a sign of a new beginning for me. He never did that and when I tell him that hurts me he says absolutely nothing. No response at all. Jeez was that too much to ask? 

Should I just call it quits?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

Nope not fair at all. 

If they're saying that, no matter how long its been they just want to rugsweep and act like it never happened.

Recipe for false R.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

Sounds like the affair was pretty much rug swept, you never truly worked through the real issues that lead him to his affair, and he simply has no idea how much his actions hurt you. I don't know what you've both done to work on your reconciliation, but it doesn't sound like much. Have you gone to counseling or anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*



> He told me that I felt the way I do now because I don't let things go.


How ironic. You should have told him he still has a home & family for that very reason or you would have let him go 4 yrs ago.

He needs to step up or step out and stay out.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

Walkonmars - yes actually I felt the same way and told him. I said if I let go easily we would not be having this conversation I would have moved on a long time ago. He had zero response to that. If he wasn't sitting right there, I'd question if he heard me but he did. 

I do feel as if he swept it all under the rug. We did some counseling, I guess the problem there is I've tried two and neither were very good. The second one somehow I ended up going alone as she felt I needed a safe environment to work out my feelings. Then she asked me to bring him back in, but I just felt like he was doing it because he had to and since he gets angry about talking about the affair, what the heck would we talk about in counseling. Maybe there are better counselors, I just haven't found a good one yet. 

I feel like I've done a lot of soul searching, but has he? 

It is true he tries very hard now to make me happy. He does little things every day and feels that is enough. He does try to make my life as easy as possible in terms of picking up kids, cooking, etc. because I have commute and he looks for activities we can do together and we've done some really fun things. But my thought is that is great, that is what a husband should do (and wife it goes both ways) but what is he doing to HEAL the hurt.

I am not sure how to take this next step. I was really clear about what I needed and he was unresponsive. Again, he'll wait for me to do something about it. He seems totally incapable of taking initiative. If the affair didn't completely fall in his lap, I doubt he would have taken the initiative to do that! She lived down the street from us. She was 18 and still living at home! As a result of everyone finding out, her family moved away. Again, he did nothing. Frankly had they not moved I could not have stayed her but luck was on his side. His motto is if you wait long enough things will fix themselves. 

Last night when he said those comments to me, it did stop me and what a jerk he actually said "it was escalating and I was trying to break that. See it worked?" I said at a big price, you hurt me again and now I know this is not a safe environment. I can't talk to you, I have no one else and therapist told me I am depressed as a result of holding all this in for four years. I'd think you'd want me to feel good". No response.

I was thinking of looking at apartments nearby and moving out. Again, I have to take the action. I could ask him to go but he'd just be here all the time his business is out of the house and isn't easily moved and I can't do the maintenance myself on the house. I wouldn't mind an apartment but then our kids will probably be over at the house all the time and I wouldn't see them. 

As I type this I think I need to leave..I have already made a decision to call in sick today and I will go see those apartments that are nearby.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

Yes, theres no need to be in an unhappy marriage.

R is very difficult and time consuming since true R is a 24/7, 365 job.

Many spouses aren't able to put in the effort needed and you get marriages like yours. 

A nesting place for resentment and the unsaid things making you two distant. 

And if you truly can't talk to him, the person whose supposed to be your life partner and best friend? 

You should be moved out by yesterday, as theres no real marriage there.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

While it's "nice" that he does things since you commute back and forth to work, I propose that those are simply things he should be doing as a Dad. He ain't doing anything extra. He's doing what he should. Period.

As for the marriage and other life stuff, he sounds like a lazy dud(e). He doesn't wanna work on the marriage. Heck, that's too much like work and I'm sure he's got better things to do...like worry about HIS work/business...or sports - yeah! Stuff like that is what people like him pour themselves in to. Not real life stuff. That's hard.

My thought is exactly what you know in your heart. Get your apartment. If I could tell you how badly it hurt when I was in my 20's when I asked my Ma how in the hell she could stay with such a jerk like my step-father...I got the "I stayed for you and your brother". 

Yeah...I'm gonna be 45 in a couple months. That sh-t still stings.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

Your heart is finally agreeing with your brain. Sadly you're not alone and your situation is reflected in many communities all around the world. 

Read the thread started by LetDownNtx "dont know what to do. .."
You may get some solace from others in the same leaky boat.

Survivors all


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Many have voiced the proper advice to you in this thread. He thinks he deserves a medal for doing what a proper partner should be doing in the first place. He has no idea what an amazing gift and opportunity ou chose to give him with R, and he has pissed it away. I don't think you should move, unless your new apartment will be close to work (like down the street) he should be the one that is displaced. Its so sad to read, youve taken the time to tell him some of your basic needs, and he has ignored you. Asking to have your vows renewed was/is a proper and normal request. If you really feel like trying again, tell him you want to go to couples counseling with a counselor that focuses on infidelity. Give him a deadline for setting up the appointments. In the meantime, see a lawyer, figure out your rights and responsibilities, and have the papers for D prepared. Soon as things go back to business as usual, or if he fails to act on the counseling, file and serve him. Might be the wake up call he needs, in case he is not taking you seriously.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*

This thread is a good reference for people who rug swept and R without addressing the issues professionally.

Many men and women want to jump on the R, Many dosent deal it properly. One day it will come out then it will be worse.

You deserve happiness in a marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

*Re: Is it fair for the cheater to say "are you going to bring this up again?"*



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Its been 4 1/2 years and I'd say we have made a lot of progress and there have been really good times. However, life has really been difficult during that time for financial reasons, a serious problem with one of our children and other personal issues not all related to his affair. My confidence in myself was trashed as when I discovered the affair, he tried to make it all about me you don't do this, you don't do enough of that, you let yourself go (gained a whole 20 pounds since graduation), and other horrible comments.
> 
> When I told him I was filing for divorce the night I discovered the affair (a woman 20 years younger than me, a whol 18 years old when he was over 40) he suddenly wanted to work on it. Now he wants to take all those comments back. He has apologize and said it was about him and he was trying to justify his behavior but is that true?
> 
> ...


So here's my take on this, from the other side (the cheater).

You, like my wife, have had a lot of issues to deal with outside the affair itself. In my case, these issues pre-dated the affair by at least 10 years.

I don't minimize the effects my affair, or your husband's affair in your case, had on my marriage, but it wasn't the single issue that drove us apart.

With my wife, she went and then stopped going to marriage counseling because she, too, didn't like the counselor but wouldn't go to another. Why? Maybe because like you, there were other issues going on. I know my wife didn't want to address those other issues so reconciliation really couldn't move forward.

And I get frustrated when my wife brings up the affair, too. One thing that the marriage counselor stressed was that you can't fall back on the old issues if you want to move forward. And despite that, my wife would do just that, regardless of what we were discussing. Eventually it got back to the affair (but NEVER back to the issues before the affair).

I viewed it as her going back to the one thing she could put the blame on me, even if it was "I'm like this because of the affair" kind of talk. And when you have made an honest effort in reconciliation, acknowledging your mistakes, trying to regain trust, it does hurt that the affair gets the blame for everything.

And this is a big reason why I chose not to renew our vows. I knew that my wife continually falling back on the affair and never addressing previous issues meant that she wasn't fully invested in the reconciliation process and renewing the vows would have been a sham at that point.

I'm not saying any of this is your situation but I hope some of it helps.


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