# What happens when your husband hates your son??



## sadj

I have been married to my husband for 18 years. He came into my son's life when he was 9 months old. When my second son was born there was a definate riff in my oldest son's realationship with my husband, but I was expecting a little but not like it is. 
My boys childhood was normal, well I cant say normal, my husband babied our youngest his whole life and treated my oldest like the "step child". We all through the years learned to listen to him and make him happy. 
Our oldest moved out when he was 19 because the strain between my husband and my son was becoming a problem with our marriage and our family life. Everything was good, we would go visit him and my husband and him were like buddies. They were the way I always dreamed it would be. Then my son got sick. He didnt have insurance so we couldnt find out what was wrong with him because no dr would see him. So our solution was to have him move back in with us so we can put him on our insurance so we can find out what was wrong with him.
He came home and it took one month for the pot to boil over.
One morning my oldest son had a long night the night before of heavy drinking and the effects had not worn off yet, my husband works nights so he had not slept all night and he stopped to have a drink before he came home to sleep. As soon as my husband saw my son drunk he lost it. I asked/yelled for them to separate and calm down and they did. I left, when it was calm to go to the store and I didnt get a half a mile away before I got a call from my son telling me "dad is beating up G_ _ _!!!" so I turned around and by the time I got there, there was my husband with a fat lip and ripped cloths and my son with blood coming out of his ear. Both yelling about I have no idea. The police showed up and my husband had my son put in jail. I cant get him out until Monday!
I feel like I had a death in the family and I guess I kind of did. Now my son wants my husband to go to jail and wants to press charges against him and my husband wants to press charges against my son.
My question is, What the hell am I suppose to do!!!!! If I talk to my husband my son is mad thinks I should not ever talk to him again. My husband thinks I should not talk to my son ever again. I think I should just run away far far away.
I would really appriciate some advice because I dont know the first step I should take!?!?!?!?


----------



## turnera

It sounds to me like you have an aggressive or abusive husband, if you all 'learned to make him happy.' Have you ever heard of the term 'walking on eggshells'?

Your son is an adult. If he wants to press charges, let him. If your husband wants to press charges, let him. It is NOT your job to intervene. If you will stop being everyone's crutch, they will learn to handle these issues as they should. 

If you can afford it, take your other son and go to a hotel for a couple days. Let them work it out.


----------



## tacoma

Why was your son arrested and your husband left alone?

What caused the cops to make that particular call?

You've really told us noting about what's going on other than they had a physical fight.

What caused it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

My guess is your husband does what he wants and you stand by him, so as not to upset him. Therefore, when he called the police, you said nothing. Close?


----------



## sadj

tacoma said:


> Why was your son arrested and your husband left alone?
> 
> What caused the cops to make that particular call?
> 
> You've really told us noting about what's going on other than they had a physical fight.
> 
> What caused it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the last five years my husband has thought my son was lazy, and depends on other people, family or friends to get him a job, etc. I agree he is lazy but he moved out and had to move back in due to medical reason's and insurance. We origanally about three years ago told him he had to go out on his own or start paying rent, he moved and got sick and I cant let him be sick and my husband and I have pretty good insurance. As soon as he moved in my husband had a problem. He sat him down gave him rules that my son followed but it wasnt enough, it didnt matter what he did my husband would find something wrong??? I've asked him and he says he doesnt know why he is feeling such anger towards him.


----------



## sadj

turnera said:


> My guess is your husband does what he wants and you stand by him, so as not to upset him. Therefore, when he called the police, you said nothing. Close?


You are right I didnt say anything. I was told both of them were going to jail. I didnt know my husband didnt go until they came and picked up my son.


----------



## CLucas976

Frankly, it sounds like you need to stop catering to your husband. 

I know that situation well, I grew up in it, except all 3 of us were good for nothing, and his one kid was gods gift to humanity. It got to a point where my step dad was trying to fight my little brothers. My mom never let it get to a point where he actually fought them. She left.

I'm certain you love your husband, but seriously, put your foot down on how it needs to be. Get him in counseling, whatever, but do you and your sons a favor and don't let his behavior continue, I personally think it's continued far too long as it is.


----------



## Cherry

sadj said:


> For the last five years my husband has thought my son was lazy, and depends on other people, family or friends to get him a job, etc. I agree he is lazy but he moved out and had to move back in due to medical reason's and insurance. We origanally about three years ago told him he had to go out on his own or start paying rent, he moved and got sick and I cant let him be sick and my husband and I have pretty good insurance. As soon as he moved in my husband had a problem. *He sat him down gave him rules that my son followed but it wasnt enough, it didnt matter what he did my husband would find something wrong??? I've asked him and he says he doesnt know why he is feeling such anger towards him.*


Then your H is a bully and needs help... You also need to stick up for your son in this situation. If your H doesn't know why he has such anger for your son, he needs to figure it out NOW. I personally would not stand by and watch what is happening now.

I would also stand by my son when he presses charges against your H. If you know that your H has a problem with your son and nothing has been done to address that previously, you are just as responsible for the treatment your son is getting from your H.

I see it like this, and I know it's different, if you had a toddler and your H had such anger towards your toddler, and your toddler could do nothing right in your H's eyes and you knew this --- whose fault is it if your H abuses your toddler? Your H is abusing your son now.


----------



## turnera

Here's my take:

I would never ever EVER choose my husband over my son. 

EVER.

If my husband ever tried to force me to protect HIM over my son he'd never see me again.


----------



## FirstYearDown

A friend of mine has a boarder in her home. The young man is 22 and suffers from ADHD as well as mental illness. He is not well enough to live independently; he has to be reminded to bathe and cook for himself. The government pays this man disability benefits.

He is not living with his mother, because the stepfather does not like him. She chose to kick out her vulnerable and sick son to please the stepdad. It is quite obvious who is more important in the mother's eyes. So sad.


----------



## razorsedge

I am curious, what kind of medical condition does your son have? Is is something that being out heavily drinking could affect?

I understand how frustrating it must be for you to have this happen, but YOU have to step outside of the situation and let your husband and your ADULT son work this out. Do not pick sides as hard as it may be (easier said than done). They both sound like they have issues to resolve.


----------



## tacoma

Gaping holes in this story, maybe I only notice them because I am in your husbands exact position and can empathize.

Please answer some questions...

Why was your son arrested and your husband not charged?
What was your son charged with?
What sickness does your son have?

I think the husband is being demonized here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## razorsedge

tacoma said:


> Gaping holes in this story, maybe I only notice them because I am in your husbands exact position and can empathize.
> 
> Please answer some questions...
> 
> Why was your son arrested and your husband not charged?
> What was your son charged with?
> What sickness does your son have?
> 
> I think the husband is being demonized here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. Went through tons of garbage with my eldest child. Relationship is much better since they moved out on their own.


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> Here's my take:
> 
> I would never ever EVER choose my husband over my son.
> 
> EVER.



Never,ever....EVER?

So..it doesn`t matter who is right and who is wrong?

Doesn`t matter whether your sons actions are ethical or criminal or harmful?

He`s alway the right choice no matter what the situation is?

It`s statements like your Turnera that lead to beliefs that cause infinite trouble and heart ache.

It`s irrational but it seems to pervade our cultural psyche like a destructive virus.


----------



## turnera

tacoma, be real. This situation is one in which the new husband has issues. If my son was stealing, I'd call the police on him, so he could learn not to steal again. If he was hitting, I'd have him committed for help. But if my new husband was the kind of person who would LET my son go to jail, you can bet I'd pick my son over that man.


----------



## BeStrongtoday

Hello

It looks like you are between a rock and stone, you love your husband and you love your son.

Have you just noticed of recent years that your husband hates your son? or always? as if you have been aware many years of the situation was there no way you could of gone to counscelling?

Now all this has happened perhaps its a good time to all sit down and find out why it has come to this. Maybe for your son, he has had enough of the treatment from your husband and finally blew?


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> tacoma, be real. This situation is one in which the new husband has issues. If my son was stealing, I'd call the police on him, so he could learn not to steal again. If he was hitting, I'd have him committed for help. But if my new husband was the kind of person who would LET my son go to jail, you can bet I'd pick my son over that man.


I am being real.
This situation is mine so I'm perhaps more real than most in this thread.

If asked my wife would most likely say I hate her eldest just as this OP would, in fact she has quite often.
The fact is I don't hate him at all but she doesn't see it that way.

I still haven't had any answer to my questions and they are important.
The husband aside the fact that the son went to jail and the H didn't is a major red flag that the son was in the wrong.
Her husband didn't "let" her son to to jail. The cops decided who went to jail & until I know why this whole story seems slanted against the H to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Well, we don't know the facts, so there's no point placing blame, is there?

As for your marriage, if your SS is a tool, find ways to document it so she can't deny it, and then have a conversation about it. If he's not doing anything documentable, then I don't understand what you have to be upset about.


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> Well, we don't know the facts, so there's no point placing blame, is there?


No there isn`t.



> As for your marriage, if your SS is a tool, find ways to document it so she can't deny it, and then have a conversation about it. If he's not doing anything documentable, then I don't understand what you have to be upset about.


My problem has been mitigated, I`ll be dealing with the after effects for awhile though.

Point is in these situations quite often it doesn`t matter whose in the right and whose in the wrong.

Doesn`t matter what or how thoroughly you document the problem because often the response is pure emotion with no rational basis and compromise and discussion isn`t possible.
That`s something worth being upset about.


----------



## unbelievable

This isn't a situation in which you need to choose anything. You have two adults who started out with functioning brains. One, in spite of alleged illness which prevents him from supporting himself, decided to move back with his parents, enjoy their support while getting drunk and abusive. The other adult decided it was a great idea to stop for a few drinks before coming home from work, fatigued and not in the best position to make rational decisions. Their choices. Their responsibility. I can't imagine that you think it's ok for a 19 year old to get excessively drunk or to be surly with either of his parents. I can't imagine you think it's cool for a son to threaten or strike his father. I can't imagine that you'd feel free to live off another's generosity and respond by threating or assaulting them in their own home. I don't know how your husband got home from work but if his alcohol consumption on the way home was a factor, he drove DUI, which I don't suppose you would condone. Two adults making bad choices and neither of them are you. They are each responsible for their own actions. You can love them both but not agree with either completely because both were wrong to some degree. My son (actually stepson) is an alcoholic and was when he was 19. He's tried to assault me more than once. I don't tolerate being assaulted or threatened, especially in my own home. Doesn't mean I don't love my son.


----------



## unbelievable

This man's alleged hatred of "her" son, apparently wasn't distressing enough for her to address for 19 years. If I raise a kid for over 18 years, he's my son, regardless of what his DNA indicates. If I'm acceptable enough to raise him his entire life, it's a little late when he reaches age 19 to accuse me of being an unfit parent. At 19, this man doesn't need a father as much as he needs an alcohol abuse counselor and a criminal defense attorney.


----------



## Bobby5000

I had some times with my step-son but I persevered and he is doing very well. Ultimately you have to choose your son. a step parent must work hard to create equality, and he may be responsible for the child's feeling of inferiority if he favored his child. 

I can understand why your husband was frustrated, and spending money and seeing a kid lazy and drunk is tough. That said, your husband had no right to create a physical confrontation.


----------



## Love Song

sadj said:


> I have been married to my husband for 18 years. He came into my son's life when he was 9 months old. When my second son was born there was a definate riff in my oldest son's realationship with my husband, but I was expecting a little but not like it is.
> My boys childhood was normal, well I cant say normal, my husband babied our youngest his whole life and treated my oldest like the "step child". We all through the years learned to listen to him and make him happy.
> Our oldest moved out when he was 19 because the strain between my husband and my son was becoming a problem with our marriage and our family life. Everything was good, we would go visit him and my husband and him were like buddies. They were the way I always dreamed it would be. Then my son got sick. He didnt have insurance so we couldnt find out what was wrong with him because no dr would see him. So our solution was to have him move back in with us so we can put him on our insurance so we can find out what was wrong with him.
> He came home and it took one month for the pot to boil over.
> One morning my oldest son had a long night the night before of heavy drinking and the effects had not worn off yet, my husband works nights so he had not slept all night and he stopped to have a drink before he came home to sleep. As soon as my husband saw my son drunk he lost it. I asked/yelled for them to separate and calm down and they did. I left, when it was calm to go to the store and I didnt get a half a mile away before I got a call from my son telling me "dad is beating up G_ _ _!!!" so I turned around and by the time I got there, there was my husband with a fat lip and ripped cloths and my son with blood coming out of his ear. Both yelling about I have no idea. The police showed up and my husband had my son put in jail. I cant get him out until Monday!
> I feel like I had a death in the family and I guess I kind of did. Now my son wants my husband to go to jail and wants to press charges against him and my husband wants to press charges against my son.
> My question is, What the hell am I suppose to do!!!!! If I talk to my husband my son is mad thinks I should not ever talk to him again. My husband thinks I should not talk to my son ever again. I think I should just run away far far away.
> I would really appriciate some advice because I dont know the first step I should take!?!?!?!?



You want advice? Here's my advice. *NEVER* pick *ANYONE* over your own child. 

Your husband does not treat your son like his child. So not only does he have to live with this immature ******* because you've had him in your life as your husband. But to make it all worse he probably feels betrayed by you by not standing by him first or stand up for him.


----------



## Love Song

And why is your husband beating up your sick son??!!!??!!?


----------



## Love Song

Cherry said:


> Then your H is a bully and needs help... You also need to stick up for your son in this situation. If your H doesn't know why he has such anger for your son, he needs to figure it out NOW. I personally would not stand by and watch what is happening now.
> 
> I would also stand by my son when he presses charges against your H. If you know that your H has a problem with your son and nothing has been done to address that previously, you are just as responsible for the treatment your son is getting from your H.
> 
> I see it like this, and I know it's different, if you had a toddler and your H had such anger towards your toddler, and your toddler could do nothing right in your H's eyes and you knew this --- whose fault is it if your H abuses your toddler? Your H is abusing your son now.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:



turnera said:


> Here's my take:
> 
> I would never ever EVER choose my husband over my son.
> 
> EVER.
> 
> If my husband ever tried to force me to protect HIM over my son he'd never see me again.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Love Song

sadj said:


> For the last five years my husband has thought my son was lazy, and depends on other people, family or friends to get him a job, etc. I agree he is lazy but he moved out and had to move back in due to medical reason's and insurance. We origanally about three years ago told him he had to go out on his own or start paying rent, he moved and got sick and I cant let him be sick and my husband and I have pretty good insurance. As soon as he moved in my husband had a problem. *He sat him down gave him rules that my son followed but it wasnt enough*, it didnt matter what he did my husband would find something wrong??? I've asked him and he says he doesnt know why he is feeling such anger towards him.






tacoma said:


> Gaping holes in this story, maybe I only notice them because I am in your husbands exact position and can empathize.
> 
> Please answer some questions...
> 
> Why was your son arrested and your husband not charged?
> What was your son charged with?
> What sickness does your son have?
> 
> I think the husband is being demonized here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Why for thinking that the husband should be an adult and not use violence to solve his "problem" with the son???

You really believe that that is ok? 

I would never pick my husband over my son. EVER!!! Any man who even asks the question or expects that has serious moral issues.


----------



## tacoma

Love Song said:


> Why for thinking that the husband should be an adult and not use violence to solve his "problem" with the son???


I meet any violence that comes my way with even greater violence.
This philosophy has kept me safe and alive for awhile now.

It doesn`t matter who is perpetrating the violence upon me, they get what they give.




Love Song said:


> I would never pick my husband over my son. EVER!!! Any man who even asks the question or expects that has serious moral issues.


Or he has lived that life and knows the only way to make the family work is to choose your marriage over everything.
It simply doesn`t work any other way.

That`s why this is such a poignant popular problem, our culture would rather ride on empty cliches than actually seek to understand.

Choose the child first and the family crumbles because the spouse won`t stay.
Chose the spouse and marriage first and the child never loses the security of his family.

Which is the better scenario for the child?


----------



## Love Song

tacoma said:


> I meet any violence that comes my way with even greater violence.
> This philosophy has kept me safe and alive for awhile now.
> 
> It doesn`t matter who is perpetrating the violence upon me, they get what they give.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Or he has lived that life and knows the only way to make the family work is to choose your marriage over everything.
> It simply doesn`t work any other way.
> 
> That`s why this is such a poignant popular problem, our culture would rather ride on empty cliches than actually seek to understand.
> 
> Choose the child first and the family crumbles because the spouse won`t stay.
> Chose the spouse and marriage first and the child never loses the security of his family.
> 
> Which is the better scenario for the child?



I think your misunderstanding what I am saying.

In a healthy family, you work to take care of EVERYONE"S needs. That's what we strive for in my family. Yes we have family time. But my husband and I have time to ourselves without my son around. And we both have our own individual time. Everyone's needs are taken care of. This approach creates a more balanced and healthy life for everyone.

But no matter what my son goes through in life he will always know that his mother is in his corner. And if he is wrong I will tell him he is and try to teach him (as parents are supposed to do) why he was wrong and to choose a better choice. 

The OP has clearly taken her husbands side over her own son even though the husband has no reason to feel angry as he does (she's already stated this) toward the son. 

And I think it's sad that you would use violence against your own child. There is clearly a difference between needing to protect yourself and being in a violent situation with your own child. Sounds like you treat your kid like any john doe on the street. I feel sad for your family.


----------



## Love Song

tacoma said:


> I meet any violence that comes my way with even greater violence.
> This philosophy has kept me safe and alive for awhile now.


By your own admission you would (and maybe already have) hit a woman. 

YOu and I will probably never agree because we live by different moral standards.


----------



## turnera

According to her words, husband came home from the bar and saw that his stepson had been drinking, which made him mad, and he started a fight with his son. It's possible that her son said something rude to him first; we don't know and I'll give that benefit of the doubt. But, given that the son moved out in the first place so his mom and stepdad could have a better relationship, and given that the stepson was treated LIKE a stepson, my odds are on the stepdad being the instigator.


----------



## Bobby5000

There are several things your husband did wrong. He needs to understand them if the relationship is to continue. 

1. Don't confront someone in the middle of an escape. He should have briefly said something, then addressed the situation later. 

I have a 6-4 260 pound stepchild and I would not start a fight with him. Your husband has to learn to avoid physical confrontations even if he is angry. 

2. The natural parent should be the primary disciplinarian. If need be, he should have it out with you as to what should be done. 

3. Treat your stepchildren at least as well as your natural ones. 

4. Recognize your ability to impose discipline is significantly less with a stepchild.


----------



## tacoma

Love Song said:


> By your own admission you would (and maybe already have) hit a woman.


Indeed, I have no problem with it.
I am quite egalitarian.




> YOu and I will probably never agree because we live by different moral standards.


Yes, and that was my initial point.
The basis, truth, and value of each of those moral standards.


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> According to her words, husband came home from the bar and saw that his stepson had been drinking, which made him mad, and he started a fight with his son.


Yes so she "assumes" as she wasn`t there at the time.
Considering the OP hasn`t been back in 20 days I`m disinclined to simply accept her biased version without the answers to numerous questions in this thread because I "Know" she`s most probably not being truthful as most western mothers in such a situation aren`t ..ever.



> It's possible that her son said something rude to him first; we don't know and I'll give that benefit of the doubt.


It`s just as possible her son struck first with the physical confrontation and in fact is more likely considering he was the one to go to jail.
I am not however getting an answer to this and many other questions.
Convenient.



> But, given that the son moved out in the first place so his mom and stepdad could have a better relationship, and given that the stepson was treated LIKE a stepson, my odds are on the stepdad being the instigator.


Odd, that conclusion isn`t supported by the minimal facts available.


----------



## turnera

tacoma said:


> Yes so she "assumes" as she wasn`t there at the time.
> Considering the OP hasn`t been back in 20 days I`m disinclined to simply accept her biased version


Who's biased?



> without the answers to numerous questions in this thread because I "Know" she`s most probably not being truthful as most western mothers in such a situation aren`t ..ever.


WTH? Did you seriously just say 'western' women aren't truthful?

Wow. I'll just stop paying attention to your viewpoint now.


----------



## Love Song

turnera said:


> Who's biased?
> 
> WTH? Did you seriously just say 'western' women aren't truthful?
> 
> Wow. I'll just stop paying attention to your viewpoint now.



I do the same now.


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> Who's biased?
> 
> WTH? Did you seriously just say 'western' women aren't truthful?


No, I didn`t.

read again.


----------



## turnera

tacoma said:


> No, I didn`t.
> 
> read again.


 You said:



> she`s most probably not being truthful as most western mothers in such a situation aren`t ..ever.


So what was that _supposed_ to mean?


----------



## ImFrazzled

turnera said:


> Here's my take:
> 
> I would never ever EVER choose my husband over my son.
> 
> EVER.
> 
> If my husband ever tried to force me to protect HIM over my son he'd never see me again.


Whatever....I feel sorry for your husband marrying someone like you!!!!!


----------



## ImFrazzled

ImFrazzled said:


> Whatever....I feel sorry for your husband marrying someone like you!!!!!


Good riddence to getting rid of you and your ****ty son!!!!


----------



## tacoma

turnera said:


> You said:
> 
> 
> 
> So what was that _supposed_ to mean?


It doesn`t mean what you claimed it meant.

"Western women aren`t truthful" 

...is what you said, not what I stated.

I stated ..

"she`s most probably not being truthful as most western mothers in such a situation aren`t ..ever."

Which is simply a fact considering the bias for their children that every mother I`ve veer met has.
Most western mothers have a difficult time seeing their child as "wrong" in most situations.

I don`t think this can be denied, at least my life experience supports it.


----------

