# One-sided and in denial



## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband? 

At wits end, what do i do now...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

So here is a husband who has a young wife who is interested in sex AND is telling him what she wants and he ignores it? So then sex has been cutoff as he doesn't listen and she doesn't enjoy it.

Sadly, I don't have an answer except that he seems to be a fool.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is what I would do:

I fully believe that nothing will change while he's on porn, so make him choose between you and porn. Full stop. *_(porn causes a LOT of sex problems. don't take my word for it, look it up)_

Calmly, but clearly and firmly, make him understand that if this continues, it will lead to divorce. You deserve to have your basic needs met, including sexual needs. He is being selfish.

Create boundaries instead of withholding. Have sex with him, but when he does something selfish, end the session (you might want to explain this to him before putting it into effect). Walk away and stay away for more than just a few minutes. When you have both calmed down, be kind but be very firm in that his selfishness and one sided encounters are no longer acceptable.

Or, leave now, because if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you’re asking for, may just be beyond his ability.
Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I hear some are actually helpful.

You seem to base a LOT of importance on this. Nothing wrong with that.
Realize that he doesn’t.
See if you can come to a compromise., or better yet, teach him to give you what you want. He doesn’t want to learn at all? Most men do want to please their wives, believe it or not. Maybe just a quickie when we are tired, but must if the runs we do.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you’re asking for, may just be beyond his ability.
> Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I hear some are actually helpful.
> 
> You seem to base a LOT of importance on this. Nothing wrong with that.
> ...


Agreed.

I think many men (at least wise ones) would love to hear their wives tell them what they want in the bedroom and want to have discussions as to how to make sex better and more enjoyable.

Maybe the OP could get him to watch some things like sex ed (Kama Sutra) videos with her? Meets his need to see something yet also can be a great teaching tool they both can enjoy and act out in person. I think many guys would enjoy that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I hear some are actually helpful.


I am not hopeful that a sex therapist can cure his deafness, but it might be worth a try.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After you deny him for a while, he STILL won’t try to give you what you’re needing?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@Flowersandsand yes you have a selfish / lazy lover. And yes the porn is not helping.

It is not too much to ask that a sexual encounter be mutually fulfilling. If you cut of sex most men on this forum would be all for him divorcing you cause his sexual needs aren't being met and he shouldn't have to masturbate. Well guess what same thing applies to you. You shouldn't have to masturbate because he won't learn how to be a better lover.

Now that being said women are often harder to get to orgasm so I settle for 50% of the time and I'm happy with that. You are telling him the things you want and he's ignoring it. So the real question is why? I'm sure the porn has unrealistic portraits like lots of PIV orgasms, nipple orgasms. 1 minute oral orgasms.

I agree with the poster that said make him choose you or porn. But chances are he'll just watch porn in secret.

Life is too long to put up with a selfish partner. So it this what you want? What more do you think you could do? 

When you are having sex and he's doing something right have you said out loud. Yes that's awesome keep doing that? 

You could try starting sex with him getting on top and then about 2 minutes in just leave. Tell him to finish himself off. Do that every day until he gets the message. Or course he may not and just masturbate everyday after.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> When you are having sex and he's doing something right have you said out loud. Yes that's awesome keep doing that?


A great point. Praise his good deeds (if any). 

Also, OP, change the routine. Make sure you get yours first, instead of just allowing him to finish.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Wow, another man that just doesn't get it. Here we have a young lady practically begging for good sex and her hubby's ego and selfishness denies what is rightfully hers.

If the lady I loved was eager for sex, there is nothing I would not do for her.

@Flowersandsand... You should keep talking to him, but don't wait too long to end the relationship if he doesn't pull himself out of this lazy ass sexual selfishness. You deserve to have a man that wants you to be sexually satisfied.

I waited too long to find a woman that I would be more sexually compatible with, and now, I'm old, sad, and full of regrets!


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Your husband is an idiot for sure. I sure wish my wife would be as responsive as you are when it comes to sex as I would surely listen to what she desires. On the flip side she doesn’t listen to what I want at all as she finds things like oral or even touching me intimately disgusting. 

I agree with what the others are saying, keep talking with him. He needs to stop the porn as it doesn’t help, and I can speak from experience on that. Stopping it will start to change his brain in so many better ways that it hopefully helps your relationship.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.
> 
> Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.
> 
> ...


Don't waste you time talking, you did that already, and he seems to struggle!
You guys need a sex therapist ASAP!
The sex therapist will help him have a better view of sex and a healthy sex life with you!

Sex therapist pronto, don't wait!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I swear….. how do guys like OP’s husband end up with these kinds of women I’ll never understand.

OP, only thing I can think of is to let him know how serious you are. He needs to attend therapy with you or you need to go your own way.

and you can’t bluff.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Your husband is an idiot for sure. I sure wish my wife would be as responsive as you are when it comes to sex as I would surely listen to what she desires. On the flip side she doesn’t listen to what I want at all as she finds things like oral or even touching me intimately disgusting.
> 
> I agree with what the others are saying, keep talking with him. He needs to stop the porn as it doesn’t help, and I can speak from experience on that. Stopping it will start to change his brain in so many better ways that it hopefully helps your relationship.


Wow that's horrible I'm sure shes just over conscious about it and you aren't disgusting. I had this problem with my ex boyfriend, I thought he tasted terrible and I gagged nonstop. Try flavors, I blew him only while I was drinking hot coffee and it was great for both of us after that


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> @Flowersandsand yes you have a selfish / lazy lover. And yes the porn is not helping.
> 
> It is not too much to ask that a sexual encounter be mutually fulfilling. If you cut of sex most men on this forum would be all for him divorcing you cause his sexual needs aren't being met and he shouldn't have to masturbate. Well guess what same thing applies to you. You shouldn't have to masturbate because he won't learn how to be a better lover.
> 
> ...


Good advice but I fail there too. Any praise and he automatically switches things up. Then I say "wait do what you were doing before, it was amazing" and he goes "huh what was I doing before" and even if I explain it again it's not quite the sweet spot anymore and also awkward now. I've even tried to talk to him about his reaction to that. See what I mean, nothing but dead ends.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> After you deny him for a while, he STILL won’t try to give you what you’re needing?


That is when he really began to make attempts. Our issue is that I don't think he quite gets what I mean and I don't know how to articulate myself further. I can't get him to understand the difference between sensual and sexual, why I don't get turned on just by the suggestion of sex, and that I need sensual nonsexual touches to really feel sexy and wanted. Even this description is not enough for him


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> That is when he really began to make attempts. Our issue is that I don't think he quite gets what I mean and I don't know how to articulate myself further. I can't get him to understand the difference between sensual and sexual, why I don't get turned on just by the suggestion of sex, and that I need sensual nonsexual touches to really feel sexy and wanted. Even this description is not enough for him


Maybe try a movie night? Just you two on the couch. You sit in his arms sorta thing. Have him sorta love on you during the movie and just hold you. Can’t he do something simple like that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He probably understands.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this. This is what I would do:
> 
> I fully believe that nothing will change while he's on porn, so make him choose between you and porn. Full stop. *_(porn causes a LOT of sex problems. don't take my word for it, look it up)_
> 
> ...


We have talked about his porn use. At first I agreed it would be unreasonable to cut him off completely but now idk. He was badly addicted when we first got together, he was sneaking off and watching at really inappropriate times. He went through withdrawals and everything, he severely cut back. His words were "my sex drive will be destroyed if I can't watch porn" which spoke volumes about how he felt about our relationship and we had a fight. That went nowhere because besides the sex, he is not good at solving problems where he is the one who has to change.


Sfort said:


> You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.


Yes I have definitely hurt him. It's really difficult to sugar coat this topic while being honest. I have seriously been considering sex therapy, I'll save up and shop around. I'm sure this website has great recommendations for how to find a good one. I'm also concerned that I'm going to be the only one putting In effort again but this time it's expensive.


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## WhoDat83 (7 mo ago)

Flowersandsand said:


> I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.
> 
> Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.
> 
> ...


Wow..I think that there is no better sex therapist than your partner if the communication is opened about it. like you telling him what you would like. i fortunately dont have many issues with my wife under that point of view but every now and then she asks me to do something and i absolutely do it..why not! it should be great for both!
From a Man stand point of view i can tell you that it must be one of two things..either he thinks you are an "object" that helps him emptying out his sack when he has to (and porn will absolutely bring us men to be like that like vibrators for women) or he genuinely has some issues in understanding. 
i m sorry if i m straight forward with you but not sure there is any other reason. so my suggestion, as a man, is bring him to sex theraphy and see if anything changes. if it does that means that was option 2 and you guys will start to see progress. if theraphy dont do much then i am so sorry darling but you will have to decide what to do which is either to end the relationship or find an alternative that makes you "happy" too in bed (and not talking about cheating..maybe some toy?)
it depends how much you love this person, again..sex is important but love is more important.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Maybe try a movie night? Just you two on the couch. You sit in his arms sorta thing. Have him sorta love on you during the movie and just hold you. Can’t he do something simple like that?


We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He probably understands.


He says he does which is why he is so frustrated. There is a missing link somewhere though, I just don't know how to articulate it. I don't expect him to be perfect or wow me into another dimension, I am simply asking for him to make progress on understanding my body and my preferences. Most people WANT to figure these things out about their partners. I had fun figuring him out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol


Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.

The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.
> 
> The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?


Some really cool guy suggested that earlier in this thread.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Could it be that he has a problem holding off? If it takes you a while, he might not be able to last that long. It might not be that he doesn't want to try, it might be he can't.

A doctor may be able to help if that is the case.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.
> 
> The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?


Oh I'm pretty confident about meeting his needs. I can deepthroat and I do often, I'm physically fit, we have sexy outfits, mirrors, I'm SO good at massages, I wash his hair in the shower, I absolutely pampered him until I lost enthusiasm and tapered off. We did watch two porn videos of my choice, two separate times. The first time he kept skipping ahead and I'd say, you're missing the good stuff!! And he goes "they aren't saying/doing anything!". More arguments. This last time it FELT like he was putting the pieces together, I talked through the video relating it to myself and stuff. Idk he's like a goldfish in regards to memory. I put together a comprehensive... well, "essay" you could call it, fully trying to articulate my desires, only saying what I like and no criticism. It was still taken badly and he deleted it. I'm not good at communicating. He's very avoidant but I try.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> Oh I'm pretty confident about meeting his needs. I can deepthroat and I do often, I'm physically fit, we have sexy outfits, mirrors, I'm SO good at massages, I wash his hair in the shower, I absolutely pampered him until I lost enthusiasm and tapered off. We did watch two porn videos of my choice, two separate times. The first time he kept skipping ahead and I'd say, you're missing the good stuff!! And he goes "they aren't saying/doing anything!". More arguments. This last time it FELT like he was putting the pieces together, I talked through the video relating it to myself and stuff. Idk he's like a goldfish in regards to memory. I put together a comprehensive... well, "essay" you could call it, fully trying to articulate my desires, only saying what I like and no criticism. It was still taken badly and he deleted it. I'm not good at communicating. He's very avoidant but I try.


Hmm...I wonder if you wrote out exactly what you want him to do, almost like a story, and then read it to him while he's doing what you read...would that be offensive for him?


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Could it be that he has a problem holding off? If it takes you a while, he might not be able to last that long. It might not be that he doesn't want to try, it might be he can't.
> 
> A doctor may be able to help if that is the case.


He himself had that thought, but more of the same thing is not what I want. I hate it when he tries to last so long, because too much piv IS the problem. He still says things like "if only I lasted longer you definitely would have came" but in reality, I need foreplay. I need him to manipulate my ***** lips before plunging in. I have had these talks with him too, about how lasting longer is not the problem. I'm just not ready soon enough for him, and if he has to wait too long, he's down for the count and we're both sad. I'm sure at this point that the problem is a miscommunication on how I become aroused. I'm more complex than him, I need active attention not passive thrusting. Not even all the time, damn!! I feel like I've lost my sexuality and I'm not even 30 😭


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...I wonder if you wrote out exactly what you want him to do, almost like a story, and then read it to him while he's doing what you read...would that be offensive for him?


Interesting... I'm not sure how comfortable I myself am with that lol. I don't really like having to give instructions it really takes me out of it. We tried a mock session once but it was too infrequent and he forgot like everything. I suggested a yoni massage as practice but he always pressures me for sex, or tries to masturbate me which is not what I want until I want it you know... He gets really pushing about "progressing" things and I keep trying to get him to understand that less is more sometimes and you can't rush this


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> He himself had that thought, but more of the same thing is not what I want. I hate it when he tries to last so long, because too much piv IS the problem. He still says things like "if only I lasted longer you definitely would have came" but in reality, I need foreplay. I need him to manipulate my *** lips before plunging in. I have had these talks with him too, about how lasting longer is not the problem. I'm just not ready soon enough for him, and if he has to wait too long, he's down for the count and we're both sad. I'm sure at this point that the problem is a miscommunication on how I become aroused. I'm more complex than him, I need active attention not passive thrusting. Not even all the time, damn!! I feel like I've lost my sexuality and I'm not even 30 😭


Nooo...you haven't lost it at all...you just haven't FOUND it yet!

What about if you were to stimulate yourself the way you like, to get yourself ready for HIM to continue the stimulation? Don't give yourself an orgasm, but just let him watch you (not to "learn", but just to enjoy seeing you), OR do that for yourself just to get yourself started, even if you are alone. Could that be worked in to the start of your sessions somehow?


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Some really cool guy suggested that earlier in this thread.


Lmao sorry, I was responding from the bottom up. Florida represent!! Yeah, I have a very negative relationship to porn but did try to relate through it. He just skips around a lot and won't sit through the whole video. "they aren't doing anything!" Is what he says when I'm trying to encourage him to go slow and sensual. I put on some how to yoni massage video with sexy light and oils, then one time some porn star lady giving a demonstration on another girl. He did not get it...


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol


What the hell.

OP, you have a dud.

you are 26 years old. I’m going to assume you don’t have any issues getting attention from men.

to have a man child that distracted by screens? That’s what happens to my 9 year old kids.

there are millions of quality men that would have no issues with you sitting in their lap, holding you, give you a back massage, work the kinks out of your neck and other things while being able to simultaneously watch a movie. It’s not hard. Especially when a man knows for a fact the woman he is with will respond well to it. It should be getting him excited in anticipation for the movie to END unless of course neither of you make it to the end of the movie.

your husband needs to check his ego. There is no reason why two people in a marriage cannot talk about very personal things that need to be discussed. He shouldn’t feel that defensive. He should be more than capable of listening to your concerns. He should be smart enough to realize that addressing your concerns also greatly benefits him!!!!!

he is acting like a teenage boy. No adult man thinks that what happens in porn is real - let alone thinking what happens in porn is better than the real thing!!!! He has serious maturity issues.
I fully understand not wanting to give up. Truly, I get it.

you need to get yourself to a point where you are willing to give up your marriage to save it. Your concerns are valid. Maybe you want to have children some day? Think about if this is a man you want to do that with.

I think he can either go with you to therapy and show you that he will try to work on your concerns (and make sure to listen to him about his concerns assuming he agrees to therapy), or go your own way.

for me personally, it is all about effort. Even in failure. I can work with effort. That shows that someone cares. No effort tells me the person doesn’t care. He needs to show effort by agreeing to counseling with you to work on your marital issues.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Nooo...you haven't lost it at all...you just haven't FOUND it yet!
> 
> What about if you were to stimulate yourself the way you like, to get yourself ready for HIM to continue the stimulation? Don't give yourself an orgasm, but just let him watch you (not to "learn", but just to enjoy seeing you), OR do that for yourself just to get yourself started, even if you are alone. Could that be worked in to the start of your sessions somehow?


He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> Interesting... I'm not sure how comfortable I myself am with that lol. I don't really like having to give instructions it really takes me out of it. We tried a mock session once but it was too infrequent and he forgot like everything. I suggested a yoni massage as practice but he always pressures me for sex, or tries to masturbate me which is not what I want until I want it you know... He gets really pushing about "progressing" things and I keep trying to get him to understand that less is more sometimes and you can't rush this


Ah yes, of course you aren't comfortable giving instructions, who is?? Lol!! But if you want to have satisfying sex, you are going to HAVE to do that with him, it sounds like. You need to be willing to grow in this area, and this might be why you guys are frustrated, because you are trying to instruct him while uncomfortable to a man who is himself uncomfortable receiving instructions, and it's not working well.

Why don't you write it as a story instead of an instruction manual? Make it sound sexy and exciting and see if he will follow along. That could make it less intimidating for both of you.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.


Watching porn with your eyes closed sort of defeats having it on. What else was he leaning on other than his elbows?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.


Ok, well then do it alone before he is going to start with you instead.

Look, I really think the porn is an issue for him, and it's not going to get better as time goes on, it's going to get WORSE. He is being over stimulated by the instant gratification of porn, so his excitement for you is exhausted. 

I know it damages your sexual confidence, but try to block that -- this is NOT a "you" problem...this is ALL HIM. Let it damage your confidence in HIM only, because you are doing everything right it sounds like. 

You are going to have to talk to him about the porn and it's effect on your mutual sex life if things don't improve. At some point, he is going to have to make a choice...and then so are you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ah_sorandy said:


> Watching porn with your eyes closed sort of defeats having it on. What else was he leaning on other than his elbows?


She means he stops watching HER touching HERSELF...but he stays interested when watching the same thing in porn.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Ok you know what maybe he IS a dud. I have considered this. He is extremely knowledgeable and talented in other departments, just not so good as a partner. He is the smartest and manliest man I know, aside from his giant ego getting in the way. Life is so hectic right now and we're both so busy with work and personal matters it's hard to make progress. The next conversation I am going to spark is to let him know that I expect our marriage to be his #1 priority, and we might need to schedule regular check ups with each other(targeted talk as well as dates and sex.)


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> She means he stops watching HER touching HERSELF...but he stays interested when watching the same thing in porn.


Well, it would be the opposite for me. A real live lover would be of the most interest to me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You are young, you are not compatible. Do him a favour (and to yourself) and dump him.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Flowersandsand said:


> I'm also concerned that I'm going to be the only one putting In effort again but this time it's expensive.


Don't assume failure before you even try.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Ok, well then do it alone before he is going to start with you instead.
> 
> Look, I really think the porn is an issue for him, and it's not going to get better as time goes on, it's going to get WORSE. He is being over stimulated by the instant gratification of porn, so his excitement for you is exhausted.
> 
> ...


I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> You are young, you are not compatible. Do him a favour (and to yourself) and dump him.


Exactly, don't wait a lifetime like I did to find someone more compatible. It hurts knowing what could have been!


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Don't assume failure before you even try.


I'll give it a go in 3 months when I can finally afford it. The cheapest one I found was a phone call $60/hr with a 1hr premium... I want to be able to afford multiple sessions per month


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> You are young, you are not compatible. Do him a favour (and to yourself) and dump him.


You're probably right, but it's more complex than that. We share a house and a life. We've accomplished things and look forward to a future together. Aside from the devastation of losing a husband, the us economy is terrible, one of us would be homeless.


ah_sorandy said:


> Exactly, don't wait a lifetime like I did to find someone more compatible. It hurts knowing what could have been!


Are you with someone more compatible now? For how long? There will always be problems in marriage, a successful marriage is being able to work through them without running away. He knows I had plans to leave before, I made it obvious I was looking for a rental. It sparked his first attempt at a yoni massage. I am still hopeful


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> I'll give it a go in 3 months when I can finally afford it. The cheapest one I found was a phone call $60/hr with a 1hr premium... I want to be able to afford multiple sessions per month


Well, that's cheap in US dollars. Try $190 CDN for one hour with my current therapist!


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## Phoenix1985 (7 mo ago)

Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

He has to listen to you. You are telling him and he's tuning you out. IMO, he's being kinda greedy and foolish. maybe a marriage counselor can help. Good luck.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> Well, that's cheap in US dollars. Try $190 CDN for one hour with my current theripist!


My savings are slim these days, had several surprise emergencies. Plus I don't like to go with the cheapest options. I guess it's not the end of the world to do just one session per month for now. Do you like therapy/do you think it has helped?


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Phoenix1985 said:


> Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.


Yessssss I watched a YouTube video on that last week but didn't follow up (busy busy). This could really be the breakthrough we need. We talked about his aversion maybe stemming from his first relationship but this makes more sense. I will search for info, any recommendations off the top of your head?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> You're probably right, but it's more complex than that. We share a house and a life. We've accomplished things and look forward to a future together. Aside from the devastation of losing a husband, the us economy is terrible, one of us would be homeless.
> Are you with someone more compatible now? For how long? There will always be problems in marriage, a successful marriage is being able to work through them without running away. He knows I had plans to leave before, I made it obvious I was looking for a rental. It sparked his first attempt at a yoni massage. I am still hopeful


Sadly, I'm not yet with someone more compatible. I am working on it though. Thanks for asking.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> My savings are slim these days, had several surprise emergencies. Plus I don't like to go with the cheapest options. I guess it's not the end of the world to do just one session per month for now. Do you like therapy/do you think it has helped?


Therapy is NOT magic that solves everything. A good therapist will be able to focus on what's troubling you most and get you to talk about it so that the bad feelings are less intense.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sfort said:


> You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.


He shattered his own confidence, I'm afraid.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.


He needs to go to a therapist and understand the difference between fantasy and reality.


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## Phoenix1985 (7 mo ago)

Flowersandsand said:


> Yessssss I watched a YouTube video on that last week but didn't follow up (busy busy). This could really be the breakthrough we need. We talked about his aversion maybe stemming from his first relationship but this makes more sense. I will search for info, any recommendations off the top of your head?


I've enjoyed this lady's channel. She also brings Myers Briggs stuff into focus if you are into that stuff as well. My wife is an ENFP and found this channel absolutely life affirming.



https://youtube.com/channel/UCqX3KQWXJll7_6orfHFuqBQ


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He needs to go to a therapist and understand the difference between fantasy and reality.


I agree, and he needs to find out why his sex drive has to come from porn? There is something not right with him needing porn to want sex with his young and beautiful wife. I'd be insulted if the woman I loved needed porn to want sex with me.

My HD would only be magnified by having a sexy and willing young lady by my side.

Maybe he needs his testosterone levels checked.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> I agree, and he needs to find out why his sex drive has to come from porn? There is something not right with him needing porn to want sex with his young and beautiful wife. I'd be insulted if the woman I loved needed porn to want sex with me.
> 
> My HD would only be magnified by having a sexy and willing young lady by my side.
> 
> Maybe he needs his testosterone levels checked.


It was something I read that psychologists noticed early on when porn became so accessible on the internet. Guys who grew up using it, some of them got to where they could only get off using their favorite scenarios that they chose of course. They couldn't connect with a real woman with her own ways. They just keep trying to push their script on them. It was just unintimate sex based on whatever fantasies they chose and the reactions by the women in porn are just fake reactions, but that is what they came to expect. Just not grounded in reality. And this guy doesn't seem to see what's wrong with it and that's why he needs to get in therapy to discuss it and then individual therapy to bring him back down to earth and deprogram him. I bet he won't, though. He's a porn casualty.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Flowersandsand said:


> I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.


There is no point in talking to someone when they refuse to listen. Your husband is addicted to porn. He is using images of other women (and men) to get off. You are young. You don't have any children with this man. He clearly isn't interested in caring for and loving you. I recommend you divorce him asap. Don't even bother telling him why. Just file and get the heck out of there. You may as well be married to an alcoholic. You can't change them either. You can only control yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's a sad fact that while most guys love a BJ and if all else fails, you can always depend on that, with women, each one has different hot buttons and desired intensity, so it's just more complex. I think he thinks they're all supposed to be responsive acting like in porn videos where doing what HE likes gets THEM off. Just not reality. He either doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a sad fact that while most guys love a BJ and if all else fails, you can always depend on that, with women, each one has different hot buttons and desired intensity, so it's just more complex. I think he thinks they're all supposed to be responsive acting like in porn videos where doing what HE likes gets THEM off. Just not reality. He either doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.


The hot buttons are there to be found very easily on any woman. It just takes patience and the willingness to explore her body till you find them all.

He can't just project what he sees on porn (that is staged) onto his wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> The hot buttons are there to be found very easily on any woman. It just takes patience and the willingness to explore her body till you find them all.
> 
> He can't just project what he sees on porn (that is staged) onto his wife.


I mean, if someone is listening, it's just a matter of saying "right there" and "faster" or "slower." But this guy thinks he's a master student of the art of porn or something. There are women who are too shy to give little directions to help out, but this isn't one of them.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It was something I read that psychologists noticed early on when porn became so accessible on the internet. Guys who grew up using it, some of them got to where they could only get off using their favorite scenarios that they chose of course. They couldn't connect with a real woman with her own ways. They just keep trying to push their script on them. It was just unintimate sex based on whatever fantasies they chose and the reactions by the women in porn are just fake reactions, but that is what they came to expect. Just not grounded in reality. And this guy doesn't seem to see what's wrong with it and that's why he needs to get in therapy to discuss it and then individual therapy to bring him back down to earth and deprogram him. I bet he won't, though. He's a porn casualty.


This scares me and I have been considering it since I realized he was addicted. He says he has had access to porn since he was 14. It's going to take a lot of convincing for him. I did suggest it last year, he talked me out of it but the alternative hasn't gotten us anywhere. I hate this


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean, if someone is listening, it's just a matter of saying "right there" and "faster" or "slower." But this guy thinks he's a master student of the art of porn or something. There are women who are too shy to give little directions to help out, but this isn't one of them.


I'm too honest but sometimes I don't consider my tone or feelings before opening my mouth


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex,


What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?

Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.



Flowersandsand said:


> I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?
> 
> At wits end, what do i do now...


No it isnt selfish. 

I don't know how to get through his thick skull that he better get with the program or he will be watching his damn porn alone instead of enjoying a real woman's charms. Something lacking in his upbringing and life experience to be butt hurt when a woman who wants to be with him tells him straight up to "do this" and "don't do that". Many women don't have the courage to communicate that openly, and end up just divorcing or finding a lover on the side to meet their needs.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?
> 
> Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.
> 
> ...


Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> This scares me and I have been considering it since I realized he was addicted. He says he has had access to porn since he was 14. It's going to take a lot of convincing for him. I did suggest it last year, he talked me out of it but the alternative hasn't gotten us anywhere. I hate this


It's going to take deprogramming and also someone convincing him what's real and what's fake.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> I'm too honest but sometimes I don't consider my tone or feelings before opening my mouth


Well, sometimes when you're sexually frustrated in the moment, you can't be that articulate!!!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's going to take deprogramming and also someone convincing him what's real and what's fake.


It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?
> 
> Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.
> 
> ...


I noticed right away and casually mentioned id like more before it even began to bother me. I married him anyways because I'm an idiot or something. Actually my only other long term relationship was with someone who turned out to be addicted to masturbation but not porn. There's something wrong with ME boy i can choose them.

He had a cute first high school relationship, then the first time he lived with a girl she was f'n crazy and manipulative (i can confirm this to be true though she also complained about the porn), then he had an ok 3 year relationship with someone who had major issues (like couldn't even be seen naked, they had sex like twice) so he relied on porn there, he dated a black girl who was ashamed of him because he's white so they didn't last, and all throughout he's had many flings because he is very good looking. None of these girls have ever mentioned the sex being good or bad, but HE has said that they thought he was just the bomb diggity. His upbringing wasn't the best either, his dad was phenomenal but he had to deal with a lot of rejection from his mother and bounced between them. Things we will hopefully be talking to a therapist about. It explains the avoidant behavior. He says that i am his ideal woman and the best sex he's ever had but part of me is scared that this view also stems from me resembling his actresses...


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol


Is it good? I've been recommended those before


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.


Then you'll have the die-hards who will say they watch "amateur porn." Really? And how do you know that? Because that's how they label it?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ah_sorandy said:


> Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol


Wife and I had been married awhile with two kids when it was published. We bought it and had a blast reading and trying stuff together. We were our one and only so learned a lot. Our copy is somewhere in the boxes of memorabilia our grandkids will discover and be scandalized by when we leave this planet.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.


Yeah I'm really sensitive to their micro expressions... Sometimes they can't mask the look of disgust no matter how big their fake smile is it's really sad to me. I know a guy who used to film big porn and boy does he have some horror stories. Those people are often miserable and numb to sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> I noticed right away and casually mentioned id like more before it even began to bother me. I married him anyways because I'm an idiot or something. Actually my only other long term relationship was with someone who turned out to be addicted to masturbation but not porn. There's something wrong with ME boy i can choose them.
> 
> He had a cute first high school relationship, then the first time he lived with a girl she was f'n crazy and manipulative (i can confirm this to be true though she also complained about the porn), then he had an ok 3 year relationship with someone who had major issues (like couldn't even be seen naked, they had sex like twice) so he relied on porn there, he dated a black girl who was ashamed of him because he's white so they didn't last, and all throughout he's had many flings because he is very good looking. None of these girls have ever mentioned the sex being good or bad, but HE has said that they thought he was just the bomb diggity. His upbringing wasn't the best either, his dad was phenomenal but he had to deal with a lot of rejection from his mother and bounced between them. Things we will hopefully be talking to a therapist about. It explains the avoidant behavior. He says that i am his ideal woman and the best sex he's ever had but part of me is scared that this view also stems from me resembling his actresses...


Some guys who are real good looking will rest on their laurels because they can with some women. But others who are real good looking want to have a good reputation and actually try. I think it depends on the grapevine and whether they are plugged into it and thinking about that women will put the word out.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> Is it good? I've been recommended those before


Absolutely! It covers everything from soup to nuts. I mean human sexuality hasn't changed in thousands of years, so just cuz it is an old old book doesn't invalidate it.

Your problem is getting your husband to read it with you TOGETHER.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Wife and I had been married awhile with two kids when it was published. We bought it and had a blast reading and trying stuff together. We were our one and only so learned a lot. Our copy is somewhere in the boxes of memorabilia our grandkids will discover and be scandalized by when we leave this planet.


Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!

I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Then you'll have the die-hards who will say they watch "amateur porn." Really? And how do you know that? Because that's how they label it?


My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Absolutely! It covers everything from soup to nuts. I mean human sexuality hasn't changed in thousands of years, so just cuz it is an old old book doesn't invalidate it.
> 
> Your problem is getting your husband to read it with you TOGETHER.


Sold, physical copy is is.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!
> 
> I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.


Aw, I don’t know, it’s nice to think they had a vibrant sex life though. Of course I have a different perspective because it wouldn’t be MY parents. So I guess that ick factor is pretty high. Still, so sweet and kinda romantic to find Grandma’s fur-lined handcuffs…😂😉


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> It covers everything from soup to nuts.


I see what you did there. 😉


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!
> 
> I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.


I actually think it will be funny when they find out we weren't as clueless as they think we are.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Aw, I don’t know, it’s nice to think they had a vibrant sex life though. Of course I have a different perspective because it wouldn’t be MY parents. So I guess that ick factor is pretty high. Still, so sweet and kinda romantic to find Grandma’s fur-lined handcuffs…😂😉


Not when they've been single or widowed for 20 years!!!


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> Sold, physical copy is is.











The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition - Kindle edition by Comfort, Alex. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition - Kindle edition by Comfort, Alex. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition.



www.amazon.com


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Not when they've been single or widowed for 20 years!!!


Grandma out pulling the strange!! 😂🤪


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some guys who are real good looking will rest on their laurels because they can with some women. But others who are real good looking want to have a good reputation and actually try. I think it depends on the grapevine and whether they are plugged into it and thinking about that women will put the word out.


Actually there was one girl from his early 20s whose opinion he was honest about. She had a huge crush on him, used him for sex and then told people he wasn't all that. Probably can connect that to the avoidance too. God i really SHOULD be talking to a therapist. All of you posters here are just the best, I've gotten so many responses and no trolls.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.


Aw, geez. He is living in a fairytale world of smut.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.


You need to let him know that a lot of people in porn films, amateur or not, are actually slaves that have been sex-trafficked and forced to do it. I don't see how once people know that, they can live with themselves supporting it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Aw, geez. He is living in a fairytale world of smut.


Well, in fairness, the strippers really are into those guys, right? It’s not about the money, that’s just to cover so their manager won’t get mad. 😂

Honestly, I would figure out ASAP if this guy really cares if you’re satisfied, OP. I am skeptical this will get better as you age or if you have children.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Flowersandsand said:


> I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.
> 
> Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.
> 
> ...


OP, don't have any kids with this guy until you figure out what you're going to do and how long you're going to give him to fix his attitude.

Is he selfish and entitled with other things too, or just sex? He's old enough to know that stuff doesn't do it for a woman, it's not like you're both super young and inexperienced.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Phoenix1985 said:


> Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.


I think this is a good point, especially considering how many times she's mentioned yoni massage. I'm wondering if this makes him feel pressured to perform in a very specific way instead of more relaxed exploration. Combined with the fact that he already knows she's unsatisfied, this could derail things further.

Maybe get him to open up a bit and then start casual instead of super specific?

Not blaming OP for the issue, just mentioning this as a side thing. I stand by my point that the porn MUST go.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I found from interaction with my wife that it is virtually impossible to change someone's sexuality. If someone does not like something in sex, it is impossible to change this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This man's problem isn't attachment disorder. It's porn disorder. Porn has been his friend and lover since he was a kid. It is his first love. He lives in a porn fantasy. He doesn't make love to his wife, he acts out his porn fantasy, which is why it's as if he's not hearing her, because he's not. It's all about him. All about his brain (and soul) on porn.

Look, @Flowersandsand, I'm truly sorry that you are in this mess. Your husband did a bait and switch on you. He did what it took to hook in and marry you, but now that he's got you, he's gone back into his little porn shell.

You said you can't talk to him about anything that you need him to change, because he gets upset with you. He can't hear you. He doesn't want to. He wants a living person to have sex with, rather than only and image and his hand. I would question whether he loves you at all.

I know this sounds mean and discouraging, but this is the life you are living. Face reality and run from this man. You are young, with your whole life ahead of you. Don't stick around and wait for this man to change. This is how he is.

Do you want to have children with this man? He will be teaching them what life is like. He will give them his selfishness and his lack of concern for others. You will be in a constant war to protect your children from their own father's example. It will be horrible.

Your husband is not being a husband. He has checked out on your marriage and gone to his first love - porn. Let him. You don't need this in your life.

This site, that I'm going to link, will help you understand what you are up against. If your husband is unwilling to address this issue, it will likely only get worse, but it most certainly will not get better. Your Brain On Porn


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> Porn has been his friend and lover since he was a kid. It is his first love. He lives in a porn fantasy. He doesn't make love to his wife, he acts out his porn fantasy, which is why it's as if he's not hearing her, because he's not. It's all about him. All about his brain (and soul) on porn.


This sounds similar to any other addiction. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco. People sometimes kick these habits, but it is a lifelong battle prone to relapse at any time. In his case, every time he is intimate with you, the porn addiction brain pathways will fire up. For the rest of his life. You even said you resemble the “actresses” he watches.

OP, do you really want to invest your young vibrant life in a project husband?

BTW, this is what can happen letting physical appearance override all other considerations. Did you know about the 20 year old who threw him back before you married him. If so many others didnt want him, maybe you should have taken a pass as well.


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## 54 always wanting more (Jul 11, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.
> 
> Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.
> 
> ...


2 years ago my wife told me through our first 20 years together, she never had orgasm with me. So, I bought her some sex toys so she could learn how to give herself an orgasm. And once she got proficient at it, she showed me what she needed. So I went to work and learned how to pleasure my wife and 2 hours later, I gave her an Orgasm. The first if our 20 plus years of marriage. Which took lots of work. Now we are in our 35th year of marriage and she is just now allowing me to perform oral on her. No Orgasms through oral yet but it is only because of some mental hang up she has. I've gotten her to the doorstep and made to stop because she didn't want to cum on my face, and then cups the first 30 seconds of intercourse. Keep trying things take time.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

54 always wanting more said:


> 2 years ago my wife told me through our first 20 years together, she never had orgasm with me.


FWIW, as @Flowersandsand said in the post you quoted, her husband has been a porn addict since age 14. So he isn't able to relate to a real woman, and treats her like she was one of the "actresses" in his fantasies ( who unfortunately she resembles ). So she very readily climaxes, it is just she ( like a majority of women ) needs a little more attention than the fake stuff on porn. Her issue has nothing to do with her, but with the inconsiderate clueless man she is married to. He was thrown back by women he was with before marrying as they all quickly realized he was a dud stud. I mean what man is going to let his real live wife interested in active intimacy with him become frustrated while he spends his time watching images on a damn screen?

Regarding your situation, great that your wife finally decided to address and solve her problem. A little strange it took her 18 years to "reveal" she had never climaxed with you ( by any means), strange that she accepted that state so long without saying or doing anything about it. I would have thought she would have bought herself a pile of toys at about year 1. A little strange IMO that you didn't realize this yourself. At least with my wife are involuntary signs that she is climaxing, rectal and vaginal spasms for example. But better late than never. There is another thread on here by a husband whose wife refuses after 20 years to address her issues, which he has internalized, and her husband is on the way out of the door.


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