# Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago



## 10 years... (Apr 11, 2012)

Well, here we go. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have no children together, i have a 12 year old boy. My wife has three girls, ages 28-19 from 2 different marriages. Over the years these girls have been a big part of my life as well as I in theirs.(i.e; weddings, baptisms etc.) my wife's family is relatively large ( compared to mine) an for the most part pretty close. As time would have it, I have had a pretty close relationship with all of them, with really no objections to any of them an vice-versa.

Background of the marriage: ( In a nutshell)

We were married in Nov. of 2002, after living together for a year, and as any newlyweds very much in love an ready to start our lives together. (This was my wife's third marriage an my first.) In the first coming years, Life was grand. Then, in 2004 I had gotten into a long an emotional battle with my sons mother. (lets just call her the "egg donor.") for custody. Which, at the time my wife was very involved and dedicated to getting "my son" to be part of our new family. The custody battle went on for 4 years and covered 4 counties and 2 states. To no avail, I did not get custody.

During this period of time my wife was having some medical problems, health wise. She at the time was 38 and I was 32. Financially we were pretty sound had bought a house, boat an some toys, etc. For the next 3 years things were great, oh dont get me wrong we had our share of marital arguments. As any married couple we worked thru our difference's, and excelled at our marriage. In 2005 my wifes health problems blossomed into month after month of doctors visits an two major back surgeries. Each one putting her out of service for 6-9 months of no work and lots of bed rest. This went on for 2 years. During this time I was there to take care of her night and day to make sure that her needs were met, in aiding in her recovery.

Moving forward to 2007, another blow of serious unforeseeable medical problems arose. My wife needed a total knee replacement. Following the news of that was heart wrenching event, the housing crash. I have made my living as a construction worker for 15 years, an made a dam good living at it. Now, 2 things that were dear to me were becoming torn apart beyond my control. So being the "bread winner" of the house, and having three step children in the house, an no work available locally, I WENT OUT OF TOWN to go to work. 

To this point our marriage was considered ideal, an functional.This out of town work paid very well, so if I could not be with my wife in our home I would pay to have her come stay with me, for a couple weeks at a time. I would make it home once every couple of weeks for a day, and then right back at it. Working 14 hour days 6-7 days a week in some pretty nasty conditions.( -40 temps an 50 mph winds for weeks) I did this off an on for 4 years. In my time off "we" would go on lavish "mini" vacations. I had made a commitment to my wife to take care of her in every way possible, especially now in her time of need after the 18 month back surgery recovery. I realize that the lifestyle was not ideal but we were happy an we got to keep all the stuff we had worked so hard for.( house, boat, toys etc.)
so for the next 3.5 years I told my wife "you dont have to worry about working if you dont want to." this was difficult for my wife, because she was a nurse, supported herself an her three girls but again, we made it work.

Flashing ahead to april 2010, I come off a job (my last job) to my our home to find the doors locked as always when I 'am out of town, only to find my wife holding the door closed as I'am trying to get in, an the locks are changed. So my heart pounding an adrenaline fearing what I thought would never happen, suddenly become so real. So I proceeded to kick the door, And demand that I be let into my house! AS several minutes go by an no response from my wife, I was greeted by 4 deputy sheriffs, that proceeded to haul me to jail for my first ever disorderly conduct/domestic charge. An under my states domestic laws ( after I have my mother bail me out of jail at 3:00a.m.) i find out that I cannot contact her go to my own home, or have someone contact her for me for 72 hours. At this point I 'am just "leveled" with what is happening to me. And more so that my beloved wife is the one doing this.

After the 72hour not contact, i go to our home only to find that the place has been emptied of "all" of my things an most of hers, and that she sold most of my tools, laptop, wide screen t.v. etc. with only her response that the house payment needed to be made. ( when it was only a day late) At this point I am furious an proceed to move the little of my things out. As I'am doing this, she blesses me with the info that three years ago she had an affair, with "our" so called best friend. I'm floored again! I move my stuff out an maintain a very distant an distraught relationship with her, for the next three months. 

After many phone calls an partial conversations with her I somehow figure that yes i will go to counseling. that lasted about 8 months. Some of the counseling was good, it felt good to tell her how I felt truly and that what a piece Of [email protected]#$ I thought she was doing that to me after everything I had sacrificed for her, and not putting myself first But morally following my vows I made with her 9 years prior.

Zipping along to april 2012... We have been living apart, but still together an married for a year this month. She had told me the whole deal, followed by her countless apologies an trying to make it work.I am at a cross roads at this point now, i still love her, but I'm not "in " love with her.I would like to see if it would work again, but.. I had told my wife one thing about me prior to us getting married an her accepting my proposal. Was As follows; " If you cheat on me wether its 5 months or 15 years after the fact, and i find out about by any means... Its over. She agreed. Now I want a divorce, and she doesn't. I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. My biggest concern is going back on my own words, that are "core values" to me an taking another chance on a woman who has cheated in all three of her marriages. I realize that her past is her past, but I see a pattern. Any advice would most certainly be appreciated...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What I don't see is what is she doing to get you back . Has she told her family, her children , your child that she was having an affair and that is the reason for your break up.

Do not blame yourself in any way for her affair. If your boundary was if she cheats you dump her then I would not go back on your word , sadly I think she used you to finance herself and her children and now they have grown up her true colours are coming out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She had you charged and arrested? Unless you have a pattern of abuse or threatening behaviour, had an affair yourself or indulged in activities that may be considered illegal , her having you arrested is unacceptable . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

3 year affair while you were taking care of her medical and health problems? Move on. A snake would have more loyalty


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You moved out of town in 2007 to support the family, seeing them when possible in between, and she almost immediately began an affair with your "friend."

You are able to come back for good in 2010, she doesn't tell you anything, just the doors are locked, she's holding them shut, and four policemen are there to arrest you.

She's cheated in her other two marriages.

You've given us all the reasons why you should not reconcile with her.

Why do you feel you might want to take her back?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Run Forrest Run!

1. You're not in love with her
2. She's a serial cheater
3. You have no kids with her
4. She spent 3 years exposing you to STDs (get tested)

RUN!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. I can't imagine how you could ever be with her again after the hateful way she treated you.

You worked hard, supported her during all her medical problems and her way of repaying you was to have an affair and to have you arrested, and to sell your possessions.

No only should you not get back together with her, frankly I think you should tell her to never speak with you ever again - that she is as good as dead to you from this point forward.

She's a user. She got you to care for her when she was physically in need, then she took from you when you went off to work. She had the comfy life while you worked you butt off. Meanwhile she's cheating, using your money to finance her affair and lifestyle, having the OM in the house and bed you're paying for.

No this one not only isn't a keeper - this one is selfish and evil.

As for her not wanting a divorce - she's likely realizing that she's getting old - she's trashed 3 marriages - she's a physical wreck - and she's getting old - frankly for any man there are so many better options out there - why would anyone want her. So she's wanting to hang onto you as her meal ticket.

Why why would you settle for someone as hideous as her?

If you married a person who drowned kittens for living - you'd be upgrading.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you're actually questioning to divorce her, I really feel bad for you.

She had you arrested, sold your belongings, locked you out of the house, had affairs and not only should you RUN, don't ever contact her again. What an evil, toxic, oxygen thief she is.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What was the question, again?
I see no reason that you should try to renew a marriage that went bust years ago. She's been using ever since her affair and sees you merely as a finical provider.
Has she asked you to take her back along with the guy she was scrooing?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She is a psycho backstabber. If she ever deemed it necessary to kill you and could get away with it, she would. Seriously.


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## 10 years... (Apr 11, 2012)

First off thank you all for the support! Tears uncontrollably fall as I read your response's...Had to take a few moments to pull it together.


Eli- 
As far as what has done to get me back...Yes she has told her family.
For the the charges of the disorderly/domestic she did write a few letters to the court an victims unit that were handling the case. It took 9 months, but finally, it was dismissed.

As Far as for myself being abusive towards her to maybe warrant the charges, I can honestly and proudly say there was never any "domestic" abuse on my part , nor any type affair what so ever.

She has recently accepted an offer from me which includes Granted me an uncontested divorce and returning my belongings. My feelings on that whole ordeal are, there just words. Until, I see any kinda of "action" from her i will stand firm On my own to feet.

Warlock-
Yes, a snake would be more loyal... But she is a sagittarius. go figure..

Will-

I guess i feel compelled to at least be in her life, mainly because of the relationship I have had with her girls and 3 beautiful grand babies who call me grandpa. Which are not blood but nevertheless..
Is that a reason to stay? No. My oldest daughter ( my wife's ) told me," we understand dad, but you don't divorce the family you divorce the person." that really hit home..


Toffer- I hear ya... see above^^^^^^

Shaggy-
your post was the one that hit the hardest. The main reason, because I have said the same things to myself an hit the proverbial
" nail" on the head. I have not lived together with her in over a year, an will not at this point. Now, at this very moment I have not talked to her or seen her in 2 weeks. communication is thru text messaging or fb. your last line is classic!! 

Thank you all for your support I feel a newfound strength in my new "faceless" but " heart felt" peeps. - I wish the best for all of you! I'll be in touch with an update soon!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Words mean nothing, only actions. Her actions speak loudly as to who she is.

Whatever you decide be true to yourself. So many betrayed spouses bitterly regret not having done so. Good luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

10 years... said:


> My biggest concern is going back on my own words, that are "core values" to me an taking another chance on a woman who has cheated in all three of her marriages. I realize that her past is her past, but I see a pattern.


See a pattern? Well, better late than never. Ideally, these patterns are supposed to be identified and addressed before signing the contract. Nevertheless, your wife broke the marriage contract, which means you are released from your contractual obligations and thus are not "going back on" anything.

Divorce her now and go have a happy single life full of hot women ten years younger than your STBXW.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cut your losses and divorce her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****Flashing ahead to april 2010, I come off a job (my last job) to my our home to find the doors locked as always when I 'am out of town, only to find my wife holding the door closed as I'am trying to get in, an the locks are changed. So my heart pounding an adrenaline fearing what I thought would never happen, suddenly become so real. So I proceeded to kick the door, *And demand that I be let into my house! AS several minutes go by an no response from my wife, I was greeted by 4 deputy sheriffs, that proceeded to haul me to jail for my first ever disorderly conduct/domestic charge. *An under my states domestic laws ( after I have my mother bail me out of jail at 3:00a.m.) i find out that I cannot contact her go to my own home, or have someone contact her for me for 72 hours. At this point I 'am just "leveled" with what is happening to me. And more so that my beloved wife is the one doing this.****

I'd like to get an expert opinion as to how anyone feel justified in doing this. And what kind of red flags to look out for to avoid this.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

10 Yrs,
Follow this advice "but you don't divorce the family you divorce the person." 

Be there for the children due to the bond you've forged with them but DIVORCE their cheating mother ASAP.

If you see her at family events you get invited to, be civil but that's it


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You would have to be a masochist to want to be with this woman. She is a serial cheater and had no problem getting you arrested. She is absolutely toxic to you. Get tested for STD's and go through with a divorce. She has played you for a total fool and has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I'm gonna be pretty blunt here

Did she run out of money and finally realized guys aren't really interested in a old grandma anymore for a long term relationship?

Guess I gotta break out the Jedi mind trick again

You - Is this the woman I still want?
Me - (Waves hand) This is not the woman you want.
You - This is not the woman I want.
Me - You can move on with your life and find someone better.
You - I can move on with my life and find someone better.
Me - Time to move on.
You - Time to move on...Time to move on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Even her daughters don't like her. What happened to her affair partner? Did he dump her? Is that why she is so repentant? 

Just a thought, but she might be playing nice so that you will take her back. Once she realizes that she has no chance, she might spit venom.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How did you not come to know of her affair for so long?
You said you were visiting her every two weeks. No signs?

She has no remorse, she has no respect for you and the marriage. Sorry. I wish I had better things to say!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ten,

I am going to go against the grain here.

Reconcile with your wife. Buy a new house, have her move in.

Bang the hell out of her for at least a year.

Then one night, change the locks, sell all her **** and have the house all dark with a "SOLD BY OWNER" on the front lawn.

I guarantee you she will understand this after 3 marriages. Sadly, that is what it would take for her narcissistic butt to finally understand.....

Your oldest daughter is a keeper by the way.

HM64


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## 10 years... (Apr 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Even her daughters don't like her. What happened to her affair partner? Did he dump her? Is that why she is so repentant?
> 
> Just a thought, but she might be playing nice so that you will take her back. Once she realizes that she has no chance, she might spit venom.


I couldn't agree more warlock... Being a scorpio I got a pretty mean sting of my own, when she starts.


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## 10 years... (Apr 11, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> How did you not come to know of her affair for so long?
> You said you were visiting her every two weeks. No signs?
> 
> She has no remorse, she has no respect for you and the marriage. Sorry. I wish I had better things to say!


When I did come home, I was only there for about 18 hours. Then I had to get up an drive 700 miles back to North Dakota. So there really wasn't anything that I could pick up on.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you carry on with the divorce . Her true colors came out when she had you arrested and then threw the affair in your face. She did what many waywards imagine doing except her plans fell apart. This is not a person you want to grow old with. Stand tall and make a life for yourself. Be true to your beliefs and let her walk her own path. You spent a good number of years looking after her and her children , no one can fault you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex had a cop in a cruiser waiting for me when she served me the papers. It turned out that she convinced a judge who ended up presiding that it would be necessary since she was afraid that I might try to enter the home I had paid for in order to retrieve my possessions. All I ended up with was the clothes I was wearing along with the older of two vehicles that I had worked to pay off.
Now that she and her studs managed to lose everything, she has tried to contact me to take her back.:rofl:


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

move on Bro. you are making good money in ND, I know because I read all about the oil sands deals there. Move on, save and find another.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, 10 years, what a tangled web of infidelity you describe!

Let's start at the end and work backwards.

The best advice you have gotten is the advice where people tell you to divorce this woman and move on with your life.

The advice that no one has given you, is that you need to do whatever it takes to understand WHY there is any question in your mind regarding what you need to do.

Let's review.

Older woman, past her prime.
Kids from previous marriages, none with you.
When tough times hit, you sacrifice your quality of life to support her financially.
She rewards your fidelity by having an affair while you're gone.
And changing the locks on your home.
And calling the police on you.
And filing a false police report that may be "taken care of" now, and yet is still in the system, for the rest of your life.
Then she makes you go to therapy, because you're the "bad guy?"

Look, divorce is just so obviously justified in this case that the more relevant question is "why is there even a question?"

Fortunately, it's your life, and you get to decide which way to go. Either way, you're starting over. 

One way, you get to start with someone new. 

The other way, you get to bust your ass for someone you already know. After years of toil, when you have a nice home and toys again, and she, in her advanced years, experiences more health problems, you'll get to bust tail still more, and get to come home to changed locks again.

Gosh, what to do, what to do......


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Ten, all this time I thought my stbxw was an evil person. In fact, I replaced her picture on my cellphone with one of a succubus. 

But your wife makes her look like an angel. At least mine had the decency to admit that she couldn't be the kind of wife that I needed.

Your wife is the type of woman that could be profiled in that TV show "Women who Kill". You're lucky she didn't poison you for insurance money. Do you really want to sleep with one eye open the rest of your life?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> at this point now, i still love her, but I'm not "in " love with her.


if this is true, what's the point of staying married?

what i can't wrap my head around is the fact that you married her KNOWING she was a serial cheater. sure, the past is the past, but with a track record like that.....:scratchhead:


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