# Long distance realtionship work?



## AnoukNZ

We have been married almost 12 years and have 3 children. We have a good marriage and are generally a happy family.
I would like to know if anyone here has been through a long distance relationship that worked and how did they do it? How often did you see each other, how did the children cope and how did each of you cope with the distance? I trust my husband and I trust myself that we will be able to survive for a period ( but how long????) even though we don't enjoy being apart not even for a short period....
The distance will be very long, in different hemispheres...


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## greeneyeddolphin

My boyfriend is an over the road truck driver, so although we live together, our relationship is essentially long distance as he's gone more than he's home. 

It can work. It takes commitment, and effort, but it can work. You need to communicate even more than a couple who is together every day. Before he leaves, work out a communication schedule. My boyfriend and I never really discussed a specific schedule, but our basic schedule has always been that we talk every day. It might be for 5 minutes right before bed, or it might be 7-8 hours (his job allows lot of time for talking, since he has a headset and is pretty constantly driving), but we talk every day. If, for some reason we didn't talk, we would at least send a quick text or two so that we both know that no one is ignoring the other and that we're both ok. 

You need to find ways to make sure you still feel connected to each other. Not being in the same house, not being able to do things together regularly can make you feel even farther apart than the actual physical distance does. Try to find some shows you can both watch together (even though you're apart) and then discuss; read the same books and then talk about them; e-mail each other stuff you find on the internet that you find fascinating; take pics of the kids and send them to him, and have him take pics of things where he is and send them to you; learn about the place he's going to be so you can discuss it with him. 

It does require a huge amount of trust. I have always felt that it requires more trust to be in a long distance relationship than any other relationship. When you can't see your partner every single day, or just drop by whenever you want, or surprise him at work for lunch, or you're in different time zones and so trying to talk is like trying to schedule a trip to the moon, it can be easy to let your imagination get away from you and start telling yourself that his failure to call is because he's out with another woman or whatever. You have to know that you can trust him so that when something doesn't go quite the way you think it should, you can be reasonable about why. 

It won't be easy, but you can do it.


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## greenpearl

My first marriage ended because of long distance. 

My ex went back to China to work(We met in China), I couldn't because I had to wait for my citizenship in Taiwan.

A priest told him that it was not a good idea for him to leave his wife and his son alone in Taiwan, but at that time he didn't think it was serious. 

He left, he came back to visit us once in three months or four months. The first year, I still had feeling for him, the second year, he came back to visit, I didn't even want him to touch me. My feeling for him died, and I asked to leave for good! 

A lot of Taiwanese men go to work in China, at least 95% of them cheat. A lot of marriages end up in divorce, the ones who still stay don't have much relationship together, they are just fulfilling their roles as parents!

I guess you have made up your mind.


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## AnoukNZ

greenpearl said:


> My first marriage ended because of long distance.
> 
> My ex went back to China to work(We met in China), I couldn't because I had to wait for my citizenship in Taiwan.
> 
> A priest told him that it was not a good idea for him to leave his wife and his son alone in Taiwan, but at that time he didn't think it was serious.
> 
> He left, he came back to visit us once in three months or four months. The first year, I still had feeling for him, the second year, he came back to visit, I didn't even want him to touch me. My feeling for him died, and I asked to leave for good!
> 
> A lot of Taiwanese men go to work in China, at least 95% of them cheat. A lot of marriages end up in divorce, the ones who still stay don't have much relationship together, they are just fulfilling their roles as parents!
> 
> I guess you have made up your mind.


Did you have a happy, fulfilling and trustful relationship with your first husband at that time?


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## greenpearl

AnoukNZ said:


> Did you have a happy, fulfilling and trustful relationship with your first husband at that time?


Our marriage experienced the first three years of infatuation, it didn't evolve into love. 

I could tell you that I had been a very sweet wife, I remember that all those years we were together, I would take my son and wait for him to come home at the gate of our building every night.

We already started to have problems before he left, but he didn't take it seriously, at that time, his career was more important for him. 

But "divorce" the word wasn't in my mind until the second year he was in China. Satan tempted us and we broke!

When couples don't live together, it is very easy for Satan to lure us away.............................


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## lace5262

AnoukNZ said:


> We have been married almost 12 years and have 3 children. We have a good marriage and are generally a happy family.
> I would like to know if anyone here has been through a long distance relationship that worked and how did they do it? How often did you see each other, how did the children cope and how did each of you cope with the distance? I trust my husband and I trust myself that we will be able to survive for a period ( but how long????) even though we don't enjoy being apart not even for a short period....
> The distance will be very long, in different hemispheres...


We didn't have a long distance relationship, but roughly seven years ago my Husband started working insane hours at work (it went on for two years). It nearly ripped us apart, and it took quite a bit of time to repair the damage that it caused. 

My DH was coming home every night, but was still an absent Dad and husband. With him coming home just to shower and sleep, we were married, but living like singles. Everyone in the house was miserable. Prior to that time we were always very happily married. 

We now follow the "marriagebuilders" concepts. The founder Willard Harley doesn't even agree with over night business trips alone, let alone living apart. You can't really connect if you're not spending time together, and you sure can't meet each others needs if you're not together. 

If I were you (and I know I'm not) I'd find another way. My relationship with my DH is too important to me for that kind of risk.


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## lace5262

greenpearl said:


> When couples don't live together, it is very easy for Satan to lure us away.............................


:iagree:


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## luvmydarling

I have had a long distance relationship with my husband and then he was my bf. We had a long distance relations across hemispheres and time zones. It drained us out but commitment can help keep the couple together. Ofcourse, its very easy to break up in a long distance relationship and personally, I would never never want to have one with my husband again. It mentally drains you.
during our long distance relationship, we used to skype daily for 30 mins and then talk on the phone for an additional 30 mins. this communication kept the relationship going,thank god.
I would say that a long distance relationship can definitely work but only if both involved are honest,committed and communicative.


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## F-102

I don't know if this qualifies, but the W and I had a long distance (me, U.S.- her, Korea) realationship for 2 years before we married. 13 yrs later, still doing good.


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## greenpearl

F-102,

Hello, that's before marriage, not after marriage! 

When people are dating, the more difficult their situation is, the stronger love they have, my opinion!


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## lace5262

greenpearl said:


> F-102,
> 
> Hello, that's before marriage, not after marriage!
> 
> When people are dating, the more difficult their situation is, the stronger love they have, my opinion!


It would have been easier for me to let my husband go after a couple years of dating, then it would be now after 18 years. It was our love for each other & the commitment to the marriage that kept us together. I didn't love my husband near as much as I do now while I was dating him. Love should get stronger over time.


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## greenpearl

lace5262 said:


> It would have been easier for me to let my husband go after a couple years of dating, then it would be now after 18 years. It was our love for each other & the commitment to the marriage that kept us together. I didn't love my husband near as much as I do now while I was dating him. Love should get stronger over time.


I agree. 

I was talking about those couples who struggle a lot to get together!


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## lace5262

greenpearl said:


> I agree.
> 
> I was talking about those couples who struggle a lot to get together!


Gotcha .. I misunderstood


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## GemGem

I had to leave my husband last year and go back to my homeland to be with family. We've been together for almost 10 years. I had two children when i left and my third was born whilst overseas. I was away for a total of 9 months. I very long time! It was very difficult but we talked everyday - email,skype, phone, txting. It was extremely important to keep up the communication.

Very difficult for my eldest child but being able to see their father via skype made the "holiday" a little easier. It's hardest on kids as the family unit is broken for that period.

It is also dificult when reunited as all the day to day affairs are no longer in common. Taking it slowly, lots of talking, time together to re-bond and plenty of sex helps!

Good luck


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## Rough Patch Sewing

My wife and I had a long distance relationship, 3 years as best friends long distance and one year as an engaged couple before I could come home to be with her and get married.

I wouldn't trade that long distance time that we had for anything. We would stay up late talking on the phone,write love letters to each other and once while we were engaged, I paid to have her stay in Colorado Springs, CO with me, she stayed with one of my friends and I took the week off from duty in the Army. It was fantastic. I racked up HUGE cell phone bills.

I think that communication is key here. Check out the rates that "Google Voice" can offer. Google it for details but it costs me $.02 a minute to talk to New Zealand from the US. It could make communicating with your spouse more affordable, that is if he is not in the military and deployed. Then it is at the discretion of whoever is in charge there.

I hope that this helps.


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## skitterend

There's a saying in Africa, translated to English--
"far from your heart, close to your loss"
You will both have to work hard at keeping the love going.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i had a long distant relationship with who a few of you may remember as Syrum on this forum. 
i am in the US and she in Australia. 
we were together almost 2 years and engaged for about 1 year.
we texted often, a few phone calls here and there and skyped daily sometimes for as much as 5 or 6 hours every day.
we saw each other about every 3 months for 3 to 4 weeks each time. even brought her 5 year old son for me to meet once.
this was by far the hardest and also the best relationship i ever had. i wouldnt trade the time with her for the world.
she on the other hand decided i wasnt keeping up my end, and to a point i do agree with her, and she decided to end the relationship. the saddest day of my life.


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## Salty Seaman

As a mariner, gone from home for long periods (3/4 of the year) I can say that communication between parties is paramount. Share everything in the most detail as possible because that is a taste of "being there" when we aren't. 
I don't know how long you are to be apart but arrange a "rondezvous" when you can. Any time together is precious. So I guess I'm trying to say it can work but it ain't easy. If it was easy everbody would do it....


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## The Gottman Institute

It's difficult, but it can definitely work. I agree with the recommendations above... talk every day. Skype whenever you can. Visit whenever you can. You'll have to figure out how the relationship works under the new framework.


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