# My wife doesn't care anymore



## nano12 (May 14, 2015)

Dears,

I am facing a problem with my wife and I seek advice.
We've been together for 10 years. 3 yrs as bf/gf, 3 yrs engaged and 4 yrs married. We have a 2 yrs old child.

We didn't have ups and downs, our relationship was perfect for 11 years of course we had many fights but we never reached separation or even thought of it. We were very happy or so I think so.

We knew each other when she was 16 and I was 21. Now I am 31 and she is 26. 

My wife started to change 6 months ago (our child was 1.5 yr - I think postpartum depression is not the case)
She started to treat me with some toughness (she is a very kind person) and over those last 6 months life was getting harder and harder. We had many talks and sometimes she seemed to return to the old person I know, but then everything collapsed again.

She says she is not happy with me, and there is nothing I can do about it. She says she forgives me for any mistake I've done in the past but she is not happy. She said she discovered that during the past 10 years she was not happy but she thought she was. Even our best memories she now says were not good, and that she was too young and naive. 

Of course I did mistakes but I think all of my mistakes were a normal guy mistakes (being rude sometimes, pushing for sex sometimes, watching sports games..etc.). She thinks she was too young when we knew each other and she may have made a mistake by marrying me. I am sure she is not cheating on me so exclude this possibility. The real mystery to me is that she هdoesn't want to talk about our relationship anymore. I've changed for her and become a better person but she thinks it is too late, I always try to discuss how we can work it out but she even refuses to discuss and all my words don't seem to have any effects (in the past she used to complain that my opinion always influence her).

I am sure what we shared together was real love, she always cried on my shoulder and I was her everything. I see only two possibilities:

1. This is just a temp. depression and should be fine after a while
2. She just changed suddenly, and we will no longer be in love again.

I am so depressed and I adore her. I need to know if anyone faced a similar situation before, as I am unable to believe that our love story has just ended.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Could be a number of things. You kind of speak in generalities- do you have specific examples of her behavior? How/what you have changed for her.

You rule out post partum depression, though seems to this amateur that her behavior shows some signs of that.

You exclude the possibility of cheating. But disconnecting from spouse is a big red flag for cheating.

Does she go out more at night with friends? Do you both work, or is she a stay at home mom? Adding a baby to the mix changes many relationships. It's not easy work. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nano12 (May 14, 2015)

Thank you for your reply.

I rule up cheating yes, our lifestyle has been so repetitive after birth. she stayed at home for 18 months. and started a new job from 6 months (nearly when the problems started) She doesn't go out at night and after work she goes to pick the kid from the nursery. If she had cheated she would tell me I am sure. She is a direct person and if she wants to leave she will.

Regarding postpartum, I hope it could be so. So I will have some hope that everything will return to normal. But the question is, can postpartum depression occur after 2 yrs, and after returning to work?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

nano12 said:


> I've changed for her and become a better person but she thinks it is too late...


Screw 4 dead presidents. Wipe those smug faces off of Mt. Rushmore and replace them with some variation of this quote. A MASSIVE % of women fall out of love with their husbands after 10 years. And that's if they DIDN'T marry WAY too young.

You were together since she was 16? Would you go to Vegas and putting your entire life's fortune on "red" for one spin of the wheel? Of course not. Let alone putting it on "22". But even THEN your odds are 10 times better than your marriage working out.

You're 36? I freakin' envy you. Your wife told you before it was too late to start over. You are my hero. Take that second change and use it well.

This marriage is over. I would bet my life's fortune on THAT. 180 time.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Nano, sorry to have you here. Here are my observations:


It seems that your wife did get together with you very young before she had a chance to know what is out there and what life is all about. Although it has been done many times there is always some regret and doubt. So this is a strong factor.

What brings the above to the surface is when you have a child - that is what brings the reality of her choices and decisions home to her of marrying or settling down way too young. So this is another factor.


Based on the above two, I would say that it is not just a matter of falling out of love with you but having severe doubts about what she wants from life - and if she feels she wanted something else/more then your behaviour (whatever your behaviour, good or bad) would be interpreted as "not meeting her needs" and this would be a very strong factor.


As others have said, there is also a strong possibility of at the very least, seeing in someone else a partner/life she would have preferred to have, so this merits some investigating even if you think she is not cheating.


In terms of behaviour, there is more to this than you have found/told us about/meets the eye. She suddenly goes cold towards you? What else has been happening to accompany this ? New friends ? New occupation ? Hobbies/sports/pass-times ?


The sad fact is that in her mind, this may be truly over until she has answers to questions in her mind and until she is completely open with you as to why. She may not want to hurt you but complete honesty from her is absolutely what is needed for her and your well being, even if you do not stay together. And she really needs to understand this. 


Sit with her and explain this to her. Tell her that there is something she is not telling you and you really NEED to know. Explain that it doesn't automatically mean that you will stay together so that she understands that she can be honest without derailing her current line of thinking.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ok.....

Going to try and be gentle here.


You married a child. You started dating her at 16.....? When you were 21???? What did you possibly have in common. She wasn't done growing as a person so now when she is 26 she realizes you aren't a good match, that maybe she has some life exploring to do.

A 5 year age gap between two adults is nothing. But you were her first everything and she was a teenager while you were an adult. That's a huge difference. She has no life experience and while all her friends are probably out partying and having fun she is realizing she missed all that.

Much as an optimist that I am I don't think this can be saved. My question has to be where were all her people telling her this marriage wasn't a good idea. Where were all your people telling you the same.

If she is willing to go to marriage counseling that may help. But to be honest I think she has realized that she has missed out on way more than she is willing to loose by being involved with just one guy her whole life. 

Meeting when your 16 and staying married till death is a wonderful notion for days gone by but societal pressure doesn't make this very possible anymore. Takes two incredibly strong people to make that happen and "buck the trend" of casual hookups and dating for sport. She was way too young and naive to get involved in this


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

tough one, but don't keep bending over for her or putting her on a pedastool, this will only make her loose respect for you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

intheory said:


> I think it is very romantic that you have known each other this long. My husband and I are also 5 years apart. I would have loved to be with him since I was 16. 21 is usually not super mature for a guy. I'm probably in the minority, saying this. I just wanted to offer a different outlook.
> 
> How can you guys' best memories,*not* be good memories anymore? That doesn't make a bit of sense.
> 
> ...


The "best memories aren't good anymore" is a gigantic red flag, suitable for opening the Olympics in Beijing.

That is called "history rewriting" IIRC, and is always a sign of very bad relationship trouble.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

knightRider said:


> tough one, but don't keep bending over for her or putting her on a pedastool, this will only make her loose respect for you.


Why do you think he's bending over or putting her on a pedestal?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"If she had cheated she would tell me I am sure."


Famous. Last. Words.

It would behoove you to do your due diligence, and check the phone bills, her texts, etc. Anyone she talked about at her new job, then stopped mentioning? boss, coworker, client, etc


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ok.....
> 
> Going to try and be gentle here.
> 
> ...


Agree with all of the above. My XW is 9 years younger than me, she was 19 yo when we met. We were together for 15y when she left.

She also suddenly had a hunger for exciting new things, that she apparently felt she had missed because of me, the kids, work and the struggles of everyday life. She wanted the life of her childless 20something colleages.

She is in a very dangerous place my friend. A WAW in the making.

I would't do a full 180 rightaway, but improving in the areas where you are lacking may make a difference. Do you know what they are? MC could give you some more clarity. I also like the dating her suggestion that was made earlier.

Don't worry about her remark that not even the good memories are actually good. Rewriting history comes with WAW territory.

And remember. This will take time and lots of it. Use it wisely.

And breathe fgs


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

nano12 said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> I rule up cheating yes, our lifestyle has been so repetitive after birth. she stayed at home for 18 months. and started a new job from 6 months (nearly when the problems started) She doesn't go out at night and after work she goes to pick the kid from the nursery. If she had cheated she would tell me I am sure. She is a direct person and if she wants to leave she will.
> 
> Regarding postpartum, I hope it could be so. So I will have some hope that everything will return to normal. But the question is, can postpartum depression occur after 2 yrs, and after returning to work?


See, this is a red flag for me. So the Unhappiness started right when she got a new job at the new job she's been meeting new people I think the timing is more than a coincidence.

Regarding telling you if she's cheating? With all due respect, you would be the last person to know. 

As far as postpartum depression I'm not going to speak to it because I'm not familiar with the specific details or timing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Why do you think he's bending over or putting her on a pedestal?


"I've changed for her and become a better person but she thinks it is too late"


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She's got someone in her mind or in her pants.. She's cheating. 100%.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The sudden disconnect is indeed a red flag. Do not discount the possibility of adultery. She may not have the time and wherewithal to be physically cheating at this point, but if I were you I would be looking at her phone and computer for online romance(s). 

If you do the sleuthing and rule this out, then I would say you need to ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. If she refuses, or it doesn't work, then divorce as amicably as you can. No sense spending your life with a miserable person who is just going to hate you more and more as life progresses. 

What is funny is that these walk-aways will get ten years or so down the line from divorce and then turn around and say..."Gee. I wanted my freedom, I got it, and now I'm more unhappy than I was before. Because now I've remarried a jerk"... or, "I never found another companion who treated me as well as the spouse I left. I wonder if I made a mistake?" :scratchhead:

Happens all the time.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I kinda feel like my wife feels the same way as yours, OP.

Only big difference is: we're both in our 30's now (I'm also 5 yrs older, 37 and 32), don't have a kid yet....

I wish I could suggest something, all I can say is: it's definitely challenging and discouraging when one person has seemingly given up on your marriage.

I would like to ask too.

What is this "Toughness" she's been treating you with?
What have you been doing to try and improve yourself?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

People just fall out of love, with time, and it's strange the way it works. Men will reveal this by having affairs on the side, usually. For women, they'll show contempt in every other way, so that it sometimes just makes life miserable for the other party.

Time wounds all heels.

This is a surprisingly common experience, though not much talked about. As women have greater financial independence in today's world, they might just not go along as did their parents' or grandparents' generation....

It can come as a real shock.



nano12 said:


> I am sure what we shared together was real love, she always cried on my shoulder and I was her everything. I see only two possibilities:
> 
> 1. This is just a temp. depression and should be fine after a while
> 2. She just changed suddenly, and we will no longer be in love again.
> ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like there is little that can be done. I would suggest she be evaluated for PPD. I would suggest marriage counseling to find out what's really going on in her head. If she refuses or the results of the suggestions are negative, file for divorce. Nothing will focus her mind and make her decide her priorities more quickly and effectively than that. It will either make her realize what she stands to lose and she'll recommit to the relationship, or she'll jump at the opportunity to be rid of you - either way, the end result will be clear.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

nano12 said:


> I am sure what we shared together was real love, she always cried on my shoulder and I was her everything. I see only two possibilities:
> 
> 1. This is just a temp. depression and should be fine after a while
> 2. She just changed suddenly, and we will no longer be in love again.


You forgot the third option: 

3. She's cheating on you with someone at work.

Your posts have more red flags then a communist parade. It's filled with cheater script and rationalizations. You want the truth? Put a VAR in her car, key logger on her computer and start checking her phone / social media. Oh and might as well have a mod move this thread to the CWI section. Sorry you're here.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I am far away from the CWI regulars who jump instantly to affair...

But yeah, a sudden disconnect and a rewrite of her history screams new man (or woman). You need to do some digging to at least eliminate that as a possibility.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

sorry but I agree with all the others that you at least need to do some spying to see if she is connecting with some other man. is it right to spy on one's spouse?? when they are acting and talking like your's is -- yes. i'll just throw out a couple other possibilities:

1. she and some guy at her work have really hit it off but no boundaries have been crossed yet. they just enjoy each other's company, chatting about mundane or job-related stuff. he's given her a couple compliments etc. nonetheless it's got her thinking about being attracted to him while being married to you (and maybe she's attracted to both of you)

2. maybe she's seriously depressed. Depression doesn't have to have a triggering circumstance or "source" - it can just hit some people out of the blue. is she less energetic than she used to be? does she isolate herself more from you, friends and family much more than she did before? does she seem to be less motivated toward life in general? stopped doing some thinmgs she used to love to do (hobbies etc.). does she display bursts of anger, seeming at times to come out of nowhere?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Guess we will find out. Or not about those ups and downs.

Top link in my signature.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

intheory said:


> I know it's common for people to say that people who have been together since their teens/early 20's are too young - and their marriage is doomed.
> 
> *Although that is often the case. It is not always the case.*
> 
> ...


Of course always exceptions. My parents are each other's one and only. Met when 15 and still married today. But you have to admit it takes two very dedicated people that are able to pull this kinda thing off. I certainly wouldn't support either of my daughters ever getting married before 25. Most people aren't done developing until 25 or later. So you start at 16 with someone and who they are at 25 might not even be someone you recognize. I would feel good about saying the VAST majority on men and women shouldn't Marry until 25+. Always exceptions and you sounds like you personally made it. You and your husband should be proud cause not many can pull that off in today's society.


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