# Need help with teenager please!!



## jade7755 (Sep 5, 2012)

Me and my husband have been married 5 years. We have no kids together, he has none i have 2 boys they are now 12 and 18. He adopted both of them in April this year. He has given the 18 year old a car when he was 16, an older car but one to get him going. Well we have had him pay his insurance and stuff that needs to be fixed on it, well in the end we have helped him with it all alot through the past couple years, now up to date he has graduated and my husband is done helping him. My husband is sick of telling him over and over to pick up after himself, keep the car taken care of and clean. It is hard them not getting along cuz i am in the middle of it. I see my husband has been good to him, but he wont pick up like he should, and we have told him over and over if u take care of the car it wont break down as much, but he wont. Now that he is 18 i dont know what rules to set to make him change, i let it go cuz he is just a teen and in high school but now being 18 he needs to grow up and clean. I dont want it to get in the middle of my husband and i in the end, so i need advise now he is 18, tell him if he doesnt pick up after himself and go by our rules he will have to move out or what??!! Please help with any advise! Thanks!


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

If your 18 yr old is still in high school, I would cut him a break, but use this time to prepare him for life after high school. Give him advance notice that once he's graduated, you will no longer be able to help him financially with XYZ. Maybe you will continue to help him by keeping him on your health insurance, etc. 

I would let the car thing go. If it breaks down because he didn't take care of it, guess what? He's got no car til he earns enough to fix it. Eventually he will learn. 

I don't think that 18 is a magic age when suddenly they are "adults". Maybe legally, yes, but emotionally, 18 yr olds are still kids and their brains aren't mature enough to handle everything yet. Do set some boundaries and don't let him walk all over you but just because he turned 18, I wouldn't slam the door in his face.


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## jade7755 (Sep 5, 2012)

Not sure if i added this, yes my son is graduated. So i should say once a kid is graduated from high school what responsablilties should they have and not have, like pick up after themselves atleast? Pay rent? Ect....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you see that he/she is working full time or attending school full time etc, then cut him a break regarding rent. 

Really, he should be picking up after himself (bedroom and bathroom); and help with a chore in the household.

Depends on the kid but if he is wanting complete freedom, I would say that he can do that on his own dime. I have an 18 year old that would rather be homeless than give up her freedom.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We stopped the checkbook on our 18 year old. We did not ever buy her a car, but we had to put her name on our insurance and we did pay for it from 16-18. My 18 year old spent her entire $1800 from graduation this summer on who knows what. $450 of it went to a gift for her bf. My 18 year old has 2 part time jobs and needs to start learning responsibility. We no longer give her an ongoing amount of cash, gas, car usage, ect. Plus she didn't like our rules and she moved out. We do offer a free roof over her head and her meals.

I was 13 when I got my first job. By the time I was 16, I was expected to pay for my clothes, gas, car, ect... I'm a saver, so all the money I worked for I saved in a bank account. That sure came in handy once I needed to buy a car or make repairs.

Our household is only on my husbands income. We don't have any extra cash for cars, gas and insurance. Every family is different when it comes to this. Even if my 18 year old was at home, the checkbook flow for the most part would end. It's a great way to start them becoming independent. Your husband did much more for your son then what we would do, but both my husband and I had to work and save up for our own cars.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Is it just your husband telling him? In other words, are you making your H the heavy or are you both on your son about his issues?

If he has graduated, then he needs to SHOW responsibility - he should have already learned by now. And if he is living in your house, he should go by your rules. But if you & H have not been enforcing the rules, starting now is a bit late.

Has he always been sloppy or is this new?


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## jade7755 (Sep 5, 2012)

My husband says i am being to nice to him, and i see his point like he says if i keep giving and giving to our son then when is he ever going to get responsible. And i see his point cuz he is 18 and oout of high school now, but i have been to nice so far and let him get away with not doing chores so now i dont know how to get him to pick up after himself.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Every child should be expected to be an active and positive member of the family.

If he is not attending college, he needs to be working. He needs to follow the rules while under your roof. He needs to keep his room tidy and pick up after himself in the rest of the house.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you don't know how to get him to pick up after himself. You tell him to pick up after himself. He doesn't and then there are consequences for his actions. He doesn't like the consequences? He gets his big boy pants on and moves out and gets to make the rules all by himself.

You are doing a great disservice to your son by not making him step up and by continuing to separate your husband out from all of it. He adopted them. He is their father. He needs to be heard by you, your son and be an active participant in the raising of the children. You feel stuck in the middle? Stand by your the father of your children...no middle there.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

1st - back your hubby up and send the same message. You're making it much harder on him, particularly with step children.

I'm going to assume you are doing his laundry and cooking, and cleaning up after him. I suggest no more laundry, period. Let him do his own. Also, no more cooking for him - even as part of a family meal.

You could use the cooking as a negotiation/reward for picking up after himself. Is the picking up after himself clothes, dishes, what?

If it is clothes, start putting them in a garbage bag hidden away. When he runs out of clean clothes, let him clean the house to get the clothes back. If it is dishes, don't feed him.

I would also seriously consider charging rent. He really needs to take responsibility. And more importantly, you have a 12 year old too. Time to set an example and give the younger one some responsibility too. Don't wait till he's 18.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just stop paying for stuff related to the car. Let him walk around and have to catch rides from friends. That should buck up his ideas. He does what he does because he has you as a safety net.


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