# Best friend & a married man



## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.

My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.

Cathy confided in me and wanted my opinion on all this. I myself am married with a young baby and love my husband like crazy. This situation makes me sick to my stomach when I think about this poor woman at home with her two babies - while her husband sneaks off to meet my friend.

This senario makes me so uncomfortable because I have been cheated on in my past and my husband knows I have some trust issues with men and these kind of stories upset me. My husband is amazing thank god but I feel so bad for this married woman, she probably has no idea what her husband is up to 

What do I say to my friend about all this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.
> 
> My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
> Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.
> ...


What I would say is goodbye. I don't keep friends who do things morally reprehensible, but that's me


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> What I would say is goodbye. I don't keep friends who do things morally reprehensible, but that's me


Ugh I hear you.. I have thought about it. I was shocked to hear this from her. Makes me really question her morals and values.
Cathy is 33, career minded, own house, doesn't want children.. Never happy with her boyfriends.. It does and doesn't surprise me that she has come to this level.. Maybe she is just really unhappy with herself and her life?
It could just be a temporary lapse in judgement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

You don't know the situation between married guy and his wife. The marriage could be over for all practical purposes, maybe she's got a boyfriend herself, who knows?

Don't assume its such a horrible thing. Marriages end, and sometimes people don't wait until they're divorced to find a new partner. 

Some might take offense to it, but hey life is short, why waste time with technicalities.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He's still married. He's not in a position to date anyone.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Maybe they're separated. Maybe they're living under the same roof for convenience but have nothing to do with one another pending divorce proceedings.

If that's the case, then it's game on.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I think it is wrong despite what the morally flexible might say. If they want to make it grey, well, that's up to them. You are married then you are married. Also I agree with an above poster you really should put a little distance in this friendship. I have heard it a dozen times (no hyperbole) where one of a wife's girlfriends is loose as hell. The wife smirks at it, conniving at a bad lifestyle. "She's just a wild thang. Hehe." Then the friend targets her husband. The wild thang is no longer a source of laughter. The chickens have come home to roost!

I hope you aren't afflicted with the "I'm special syndrome." "She'll do it to others but never to me." Hah!


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> I think it is wrong despite what the morally flexible might say. If they want to make it grey, well, that's up to them. You are married then you are married


If the marriage has deteriorated to the point where the 2 parties are screwing other people then it's meaningless.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

silex said:


> If the marriage has deteriorated to the point where the 2 parties are screwing other people then it's meaningless.


Yeah, if marriage is meaningless then divorce time! If they are already screwing others then what's the point of still being together. And people have a habit of changing relationship history to justify their cheating. Maybe she is the one inventing problems when there aren't any.

OP, your friend sounds uncannily like some girls I know. They don't want their own man. They specifically choose to be "side chicks".


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'd distance myself from this friend and drop her out of your life. Who needs friends who are unhappy. If she sees that you are happy and want your life, as one poster pointed out she might target your husband next. As one saying goes, "show me your friends and I will tell you who you are". I hope that you aren't like this friend who has no moral compass.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Seriously... your friend needs your honest friendship more than ever, that's what friends do.

Let her know exactly what you shared here... it makes you sick to your stomach this situation she is in and if she was to look at it from the outside-in she would see her decisions are destroying her mindful self-respect. 

You see it and you only want her spiritually healthy, but she needs to remove herself from the damage that the deceit will cost her, she can ill afford this. She needs to end it with both relationships and take a hard look at healing the damage that is done, and doing it without either influence is the only way she will be successful.

Don't let her face this alone, be there for her as her strength of reason and encourage her toward the path that you both know she needs... she wouldn't ask you if she didn't question her judgement and trust you for sound advice.

You can make a difference in several lives here... doors open and close for many reasons... you may simply be the right person at the right time to do this.

Be with strength...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs counselling. She clearly has a variety of issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Friends are there to help, not judge.

Its fair to let her know that you don't think this will end well for anyone.

In general though I try not to judge - often there is a lot going on that is not visible unless you know everyone very well.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The biggest problem is; *IS* he really getting a divorce? Is there a good way to prove it?

Scenario: Husband = I want to bang this 33yr old woman who just kicked out her BF... so I play "I'm in dying marriage" so lets screw tactic. 

If he wants a DIVORCE, then he'll file. He should be able to show a certified proof from the court house. Since in some states or countries, it can take a year or more before the divorce is final. If I lived in such a place and was getting a divorce that would take that long - I'll be dating long before then and be moved out or she be moved out.

I think he's full of crap... if HE wants a divorce, but not telling his wife - then he's a liar, even *IF* he hasn't cheated on her (yet) - or in this case, only says he has TOLD his wife he wants a divorce... well, has one of them made steps to make that process start?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> Ugh I hear you.. I have thought about it. I was shocked to hear this from her. Makes me really question her morals and values.
> Cathy is 33, career minded, own house, doesn't want children.. Never happy with her boyfriends.. It does and doesn't surprise me that she has come to this level.. Maybe she is just really unhappy with herself and her life?
> It could just be a temporary lapse in judgement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


stop making excuses for her.
You know what she is doing is totally wrong.
Tell her how you feel about what she is doing, as she is messing with someone else's H
Further, she is taking away a father from two innocent kids, who could easily be you for example.
Tell her to contact his wife and let her know, I doubt very much that he told the wife he wants a divorce.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

aine said:


> stop making excuses for her.
> You know what she is doing is totally wrong.
> Tell her how you feel about what she is doing, as she is messing with someone else's H
> Further, she is taking away a father from two innocent kids, who could easily be you for example.
> Tell her to contact his wife and let her know, I doubt very much that he told the wife he wants a divorce.


I totally agree... Something is setting my radar off - Cathy and he only started talking a few weeks ago.. Started as social media, then texting, then meeting up. They have only met up in person 2-3 times for quick hang outs, they have kissed so far.
It has been a few weeks and he was honest to Cathy that he was currently still married and living with his wife, but was talking to her about his doubts and unhappiness.
They exchanged their unhappiness sob stories with their significant others.
He now tells Cathy he just told his wife he wants out.
But has he really?
I'm pretty jaded lol so personally I think he's probably not even had a single convo with his wife. He's out running a muck. His wife is at home with their 1.5 and 3 year old.
Cathy says the next step is that he wants to consult a lawyer on the financial aspect.
Currently though he is still married, living with the wife/kids. Chances are pretty slim that he will actually go through with this at some point and realistically he has met/seen my friend for 3 weeks!!!!! I highly doubt he's in love with Cathy and ready to leave his wife over a woman he has known for three weeks? I think he's telling her what he thinks she wants to hear to set up his sexual affair.
This all sounds so fishy to me..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your friend is a skank and the bloke is a douche. That poor wife at home with those two babies...and how dare he discuss his marriage with his piece?? How dare he! 

Both of them are not good people. They deserve each other.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

silex said:


> Maybe they're separated. Maybe they're living under the same roof for convenience but have nothing to do with one another pending divorce proceedings.
> 
> If that's the case, then it's game on.


He has told Cathy none of this.
He says he is unhappy and that's it. He recently just told Cathy that he finally told his wife he wants a divorce.
I do know that they currently live with the mother in law in her house and he pays the bills - it seems he could separate pretty easily, why not go rent a place in the meantime?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First, tell your friend to stop being a [email protected]! She is cheating with another [email protected]! And she knows perfectly well what she is doing. She will of course try and rationalise her behaviour. 

It's never "game on" until the two are divorced, the cheating [email protected] of a man is properly taken to the cleaners by his wife and mother of their young kids, his access to his kids has been significantly reduced, he is on the hook for alimony and retirement funds for his wife for life, and the world is aware how much of a [email protected] he really is. Then lets see how attractive your friend is to him and vice versa.

He is now enjoying cheating and has faced very little consequences.

And I don't agree that friends don't "judge". Of course they do! That's how you decide what advice to give.

Next I would advise you to put some distance between you and your "friend". She will only trigger you some more.

My tuppence worth.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> First, tell your friend to stop being a [email protected]! She is cheating with another [email protected]! And she knows perfectly well what she is doing. She will of course try and rationalise her behaviour.
> 
> It's never "game on" until the two are divorced, the cheating [email protected] of a man is properly taken to the cleaners by his wife and mother of their young kids, his access to his kids has been significantly reduced, he is on the hook for alimony and retirement funds for his wife for life, and the world is aware how much of a [email protected] he really is. Then lets see how attractive your friend is to him and vice versa.
> 
> ...



I agree.. I'm thinking this may be best. I really only see her once a month as it is... She doesn't want children, was never in much of a serious relationship so our friendship was mainly based on drinks/dinners, shopping, spa days etc. She has only ever had limited contact with my husband anyway - so if she were to ever try and be friendly with him it would be weird and set my radar off immediately. I know she text my husband "Happy Birthday" a few months ago and he didn't even have her number in his phone so he showed me and said "Wonder who this is?" And turned out to be her number. He didn't respond and she never mentioned to me that she text him and he didn't answer... So maybe that was fishy too? I never thought anything of it at the time.. But I do now!!!

I am going to pull back while this is all going on... Once she gets burned by this idiot, I will revisit my friendship with her and maybe I will have to be brutally honest with her about how much I questioned her morals from this issue. If she continues to act this way, I have zero issues cutting her off completely.
Things really have changed for me since getting married and having kids.... I find myself wanting to surround myself with like-minded people who have similar values and lifestyles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Seems like you have your moral compass properly aligned and your radar switched on. Great stuff and agree with you!


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Just an update, married guy has told Cathy that he is seeking a lawyer and financial advice but for the time being wants to sleep at his parents house and another room in the house with his wife until he can find a more permanent living situation.
So realistically this could go on for months.. It baffles my mind how my friend would just sit around in the side wings waiting for this guy to figure his messy crap out. Kind of pathetic... Man o man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm with the two sides on this, combined:

You need to be honest with your friend about how you feel about the situation. If you've known her a long time, then she should at least listen to your opinion, since she asked it. Do not be afraid to be honest.

If you've been clear about your feelings on it, it's also ok to say something like, "I don't know if I can be friends with a person who acts like this. It's not something my personal values can allow." It may make her think about how her choices affect her relationship with you.

You sound like a good, non-toxic, smart woman. Your friend might start to reach out to other women who are doing what she does, to gain validation for her choices, but you can't argue with facts:

- The man is MARRIED. Not on the market. He's as much to blame as your friend for encouraging this relationship.
- Neither you nor she have a TRUTHFUL picture of what his relationship is like with his wife, unless you ASK HIS WIFE DIRECTLY. All you have is his word, and he could be telling her ANYTHING to keep her hooked.
- There is a very high probability he will NEVER leave his wife for your friend. He'd as soon throw your friend under a bus as soon as he feels the heat. He has children, he knows he'll lose big in divorce if he's smart, and he also knows he loses nothing other than face if he dumps your friend. A reputation will gladly take a hit sooner than a wallet in such a circumstance. Maybe your friend doesn't care if he dumps his wife for her... YET. Some day, she will care, she'll start caring when she has to start vying for his attention and his time... And starts to realize he's just using her for fun, even though that's what she wanted in the first place. Can't emphasize how often I see this change happen.

If you love your friend, you'll do your best to try to convince her, but understand that it's still her choice.
If, after you've tried to show her reason, she still takes the dangerous path, then you should let her go as a friend.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

mariemount12 said:


> Just an update, married guy has told Cathy that he is seeking a lawyer and financial advice but for the time being wants to sleep at his parents house and another room in the house with his wife until he can find a more permanent living situation.
> So realistically this could go on for months.. It baffles my mind how my friend would just sit around in the side wings waiting for this guy to figure his messy crap out. Kind of pathetic... Man o man
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry I neglected to see this before I posted.
Does your friend have PROOF that he is seeing a lawyer?

If not, it's all just words.
And you're right - if he is doing this, the proces is going to be very long and drawn out, and you can be sure, full of drama eventually.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

It's such an awkward situation for you. You have morals but yet don't want to pass judgment on your friend. 

I wouldn't have any problem with it if the husband & wife were consenting to seeing other people. But how do you know that for sure? You don't. I don't think it's a good idea for her at all to get involved with a married man. She's the OW now and that can destroy a marriage as we all see on this forum. Even if they're already enroute to divorce, the chance of saving the marriage gets slimmer. 

Sit down with her and calmly have the conversation on how you feel. If I were you, I would really limit my interaction with her as long as she's engaging in this.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

silex said:


> Some might take offense to it, but hey life is short, why waste time with technicalities.


This line of thinking justifies all cheating. (I am not saying I disagree with it.)


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

mariemount12 said:


> Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.
> 
> My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
> Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.
> ...


First things first. If she's unhappy with her boyfriend and he has moved back with family due to fighting then they are probably not suited to each other and she needs to finish that first. They aren't married so deal with the easy situation before moving on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"His wife is at home with their 1.5 and 3 year old."

this.

there is no way a morally upright man would be running around chasing women when he should be at home helping raise HIS kids.

no matter what the situation. when the time is right and things absolutely cannot be worked out, then proceed with divorce and wait till it's done.
then he can go out.

i'm sorry; 'i'm not happy' doesn't cut it with me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

mariemount12 said:


> Ugh I hear you.. I have thought about it. I was shocked to hear this from her. Makes me really question her morals and values.
> Cathy is 33, career minded, own house, doesn't want children.. Never happy with her boyfriends.. It does and doesn't surprise me that she has come to this level.. Maybe she is just really unhappy with herself and her life?
> It could just be a temporary lapse in judgement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another vote for mindful counseling...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> I'm with the two sides on this, combined:
> 
> You need to be honest with your friend about how you feel about the situation. If you've known her a long time, then she should at least listen to your opinion, since she asked it. Do not be afraid to be honest.
> 
> ...


1000 likes...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.
> 
> My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
> Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.
> ...


Nothing. Since your friend claims that the married man has told his wife that he wants a divorce, I would send the wife a note about your friend via an anonymous channel. After all, since he has told her that he wants a divorce, that couldn't hurt anything, right? >


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mariemount12 said:


> I agree.. I'm thinking this may be best. I really only see her once a month as it is... She doesn't want children,* was never in much of a serious relationship* so our friendship was mainly based on drinks/dinners, shopping, spa days etc. She has only ever had limited contact with my husband anyway - so if she were to ever try and be friendly with him it would be weird and set my radar off immediately.* I know she text my husband "Happy Birthday" a few months ago and he didn't even have her number in his phone so he showed me and said "Wonder who this is?" And turned out to be her number. He didn't respond and she never mentioned to me that she text him and he didn't answer... So maybe that was fishy too? I never thought anything of it at the time.. But I do now!!!*


 How did she get his cell # ... It seems innocent enough.. but still could be a "feeler" - put out there for him to respond.. she's NEVER had a serious relationship either? so what is she looking for ? So even if she got her hooks in this married man, she'd probably leave him in the dust too. Both playing with other people's lives.. 

If I was in your shoes.. I'd have to say something.. before I disappeared..asking her how she would feel if she was his wife.. how it makes you feel being a wife with younger children.. as her friend, you feel compelled to speak .... maybe she hasn't had good role models in her life.. what do you know of her history.. maybe this is her "normal"....

She may be very offended.. expecting your support for her new love affair.. but she would be wrong.. don't fear standing up for how you feel in this.. if she chooses to leave you in the dust.. let her.. hopefully you will feel good that you spoke for what is right....to realize others, innocent children's lives are at stake here, a family could be ripped apart where this man is now focusing on HER and not what he has at home. 

This man, at the very least, should be "separated" from his wife.. the children knowing Daddy is no longer living with them.. something like that.. anything less is just WRONG.. it's things like this,. where we keep turning a blind eye that cause so much heartbreak, betrayal.. it's WHY we have so little trust in our world today..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tech-novelist said:


> Nothing. Since your friend* claims that the married man has told his wife that he wants a divorce, *I would send the wife a note about your friend via an anonymous channel. After all, since he has told her that he wants a divorce, that couldn't hurt anything, right? >


Laughing at this.. how many sucker women fall for that one !!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

mariemount12 said:


> Ugh I hear you.. I have thought about it. I was shocked to hear this from her. Makes me really question her morals and values.
> Cathy is 33, career minded, own house, doesn't want children.. Never happy with her boyfriends.. It does and doesn't surprise me that she has come to this level.. Maybe she is just really unhappy with herself and her life?
> It could just be a temporary lapse in judgement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She sounds very selfish. She is willing to break up a family, and then I suspect after a few months she will be done with this guy too... Meanwhile his family and particularly his young children have had their lives shattered.

There are words for women like her. However I won't use them because I'm a perfect gentleman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

The odds of your friend and her married boyfriend becoming life long soulmates are very, very small.

The odds of your friend ruining the lives of this married man, his wife, and their children is very, very high.

Don't allow her to grease the tracks for someone else's divorce.

Even though she doesn't feel it now, she will end up truly regretting it. 

Allow the married man to go his way and if he ends up divorcing his wife without her in the picture, fine.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This guy is spineless and not relationship material. He's unhappy? He's got two kids 3 and under. Life isn't the Super Bowl. He needs to grow the f--- up. 

Dollars to donuts there has been no discussion of divorce in that family. It also isn't a marriage of convenience as some have suggested. If it was it would have been plainly known and given to excuse away their deplorable behavior.

Your friend and he deserve each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She sounds very selfish. She is willing to break up a family, and then I suspect after a few months she will be done with this guy too... Meanwhile his family and particularly his young children have had their lives shattered.
> 
> There are words for women like her. However I won't use them because I'm a perfect gentleman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Even *if* he is getting a divorce, he's not divorced yet. When someone is actually divorced, then they're free to date. Even separated, I wouldn't take a chance and date a guy who is separated, no matter what he claims. They could be testing out a separation and lying about it to potential new lovers. Someone is not fully able to date someone else if they are legally married. Sooooo many stories out there of single people dating ''separated'' people, and after a year or so, the ''separated'' person returns to the marriage, or just drags out the divorce or whatever. There are SO many people to choose from who are free and clear to marry, who are single.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The childrens lives will be shattered? What about his poor wife? She may not be perfect but she's the one at home raising his children, washing his socks and undies, cleaning up after him and their family.

If he's not happy in the marriage he needs to tell his wife how he's feeling. She's his wife - she deserves the chance to make it right.

So many people in life have such a blase attitude to marriage and that's really sad.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MM,

I didn't write any of this but please print it out and give it to your friend.

My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Even *if* he is getting a divorce, he's not divorced yet. When someone is actually divorced, then they're free to date. Even separated, I wouldn't take a chance and date a guy who is separated, no matter what he claims. They could be testing out a separation and lying about it to potential new lovers. Someone is not fully able to date someone else if they are legally married. Sooooo many stories out there of single people dating ''separated'' people, and after a year or so, the ''separated'' person returns to the marriage, or just drags out the divorce or whatever. There are SO many people to choose from who are free and clear to marry, who are single.


With a separation, a simple phone call to the ex will clear matters up.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> How did she get his cell # ... It seems innocent enough.. but still could be a "feeler" - put out there for him to respond.. she's NEVER had a serious relationship either? so what is she looking for ? So even if she got her hooks in this married man, she'd probably leave him in the dust too. Both playing with other people's lives..
> 
> If I was in your shoes.. I'd have to say something.. before I disappeared..asking her how she would feel if she was his wife.. how it makes you feel being a wife with younger children.. as her friend, you feel compelled to speak .... maybe she hasn't had good role models in her life.. what do you know of her history.. maybe this is her "normal"....
> 
> ...


Cathy only had my husband's phone # from around the time we got married, I gave it to him to coordinate some wedding related stuff with her & the bridesmaids.. He was the middle person with his sisters and my girlfriends.

My big issue with this douche guy is that he is confiding in my friend, having a texting relationship and hung out and kissed all before even telling his wife he wants a divorce. Which, like many have stated is hear-say.. Has he really told his wife this? I don't see why my friend's radar isn't up at least, when to me as an outsider I question his loyalty right away as he is a cheater and liar. He for weeks has been texting my friend, sneaking to meet up with her and has kissed her.. 
All while his wife is at home with two young babies.. Now apparently he has told her he wants a divorce? Why now and not weeks ago? I don't buy it.... I would put money on it that he hasn't said a word to his wife..... He is probably caught up in this excitement and doesn't know what he is going to do yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Laughing at this.. how many sucker women fall for that one !!


Exactly!!!!! The guy is a cheater.. Why would my friend believe anything he's telling her? She barely knows him except that he has a wife and young babies and he is sneaking around meeting her.
If I were in her shoes I would trust a stranger the same at this point.. She barely knows him!

She also keeps saying "the chemistry is insane with him"... "The way he makes me feel is incredible".. "I feel like we maybe could be soul mates"..
Uhhhhh he's married to another woman!! Than her soul mate is a cheating a-hole with no morals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> MM,
> 
> I didn't write any of this but please print it out and give it to your friend.
> 
> ...


I love this! Soo true all of it!
I almost want to tell her to google "the other woman" and see how most of those senarios end up.

I saw an episode on Dr Phil awhile back and it was a whole panel of OW and all of them were having affairs with married men who NONE of them had left their wives.... Some of these affairs were going on for years!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

mariemount12 said:


> Exactly!!!!! The guy is a cheater.. Why would my friend believe anything he's telling her? She barely knows him except that he has a wife and young babies and he is sneaking around meeting her.
> If I were in her shoes I would trust a stranger the same at this point.. She barely knows him!
> 
> She also keeps saying "the chemistry is insane with him"... "The way he makes me feel is incredible".. "I feel like we maybe could be soul mates"..
> ...


Another person who is ruled by their emotions and not their morals. Future divorcee.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Another person who is ruled by their emotions and not their morals. Future divorcee.


I agree..
Also her complaints about her boyfriend and even past bfs has usually been the same reasons "he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful enough".. "He bores me".. "He never compliments me".. 
She seems like she will never be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think you already know the answer to your problem. The more she stays with this married guy, the more it's going to confound your friendship. I think you should very strongly discourage what she's doing even if it means the end of your friendship.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Friend is high-maintenance and because husband likes variety, he is able to deal with her crap, throwing out compliments a couple of times a week. Note friend has no real interest in your telling her this is wrong, she is concerned about my feelings, my needs, my wants, my blah, blah, blah. I get the payoff for everyone except our writer. Friends gets gifts and compliments, husband gets something on the side, but our writer gets only to listen to her crap when she has no intention of leaving. Get a new friend with some morals.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Makes me sad.. But I agree with the majority here... This whole situation will likely end our friendship. 
I think the only hope for our future friendship is when this goes wrong, not "if" but when it does, if she even remotely sees how bad it was, regrets it and says that she sees now what a terrible decision it was and at least shows some kind of remorse and vows to never get involved in this again - I would still consider her a friend.
If she shows no remorse and doesn't see how wrong this is, I don't see us being friends.
She is always going to have ****ty morals if that is the case. This is the first real incident where I saw how bad she really was - I think it's partly her character yes, but I think she's going through a really bad time in her life.

Update - she did fully kick her BF out, they have broken up and he has come to get all belongings from her house.
Married guy and her finally had sex..
Makes me sick, he went home to his family afterwards. The next day she invited him to come by again that evening and he responded with "Not a good night... Too many eyes on me tonight".
Wow... I can't believe how foolish she is being, this guy is disgusting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

mariemount12 said:


> Update - she did fully kick her BF out, they have broken up and he has come to get all belongings from her house.
> Married guy and her finally had sex..
> Makes me sick, he went home to his family afterwards. The next day she invited him to come by again that evening and he responded with "Not a good night... Too many eyes on me tonight".
> Wow... I can't believe how foolish she is being, this guy is disgusting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @mariemount12 you have to find out the married guy's name and tell his wife. That poor woman. She deserves to know what she's married to. What a disgusting pig he is.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

mariemount12 said:


> Makes me sad.. But I agree with the majority here... This whole situation will likely end our friendship.
> I think the only hope for our future friendship is when this goes wrong, not "if" but when it does, if she even remotely sees how bad it was, regrets it and says that she sees now what a terrible decision it was and at least shows some kind of remorse and vows to never get involved in this again - I would still consider her a friend.
> If she shows no remorse and doesn't see how wrong this is, I don't see us being friends.
> She is always going to have ****ty morals if that is the case. This is the first real incident where I saw how bad she really was - I think it's partly her character yes, but I think she's going through a really bad time in her life.
> ...


I wonder if her lack of concern is simply because she isn't interested in anything serious with him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If the guy is cheating, versus is in the process of separation, none of that even really matters to your friend cathy, she chose to get involved with him regardless of his actual relationship status. So your friend clearly has no respect for other people's relationships and if I were you I'd be wary of having a person like that around in my life. If you and Cathy are somewhat distant already I would expect you will naturally want to put even more distance between your family and her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> Friend is high-maintenance and because husband likes variety, he is able to deal with her crap, throwing out compliments a couple of times a week. *Note friend has no real interest in your telling her this is wrong,* she is concerned about my feelings, my needs, my wants, my blah, blah, blah. I get the payoff for everyone except our writer. Friends gets gifts and compliments, husband gets something on the side, but our writer gets only to listen to her crap when she has no intention of leaving. Get a new friend with some morals.


If I had a friend in a similar situation, I would try to reason to her advantage. That is, he is unavailable, therefore wasting her time. And that others, both men and women, whose good opinion of her she may be dependent on (socially, professionally) will not be sympathetic to her choices. 

And lastly, if she were really all that, she would have done better by attracting someone who was already available. I don't remember if said how old she is, but I do chuckle at the thought that young women think that they are so hot for having diverted the attention of an older man from his usually equally older wife. Well, since society tells us that us older ladies are dried up and washed out already, then how much of a challenge could that have been.

I suspect that most younger women would prefer the hot younger and available guy. Especially since his earning still has greater potential. but then, they're much in demand. Guess your friend thinks she's doing the best that she can.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.
> 
> My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
> Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.
> ...


"What you're doing is morally reprehensible, and I simply have no room in my life for it.

So, for as long as you're so committed to living your life as an unprincipled coward, I want absolutely nothing at all to do with you."

Then tell her boyfriend what's up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> "What you're doing is morally reprehensible, and I simply have no room in my life for it.
> 
> So, for as long as you're so committed to living your life as an unprincipled coward, I want absolutely nothing at all to do with you."
> 
> ...


Exactly what Gus said!


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

frusdil said:


> @mariemount12 you have to find out the married guy's name and tell his wife. That poor woman. She deserves to know what she's married to. What a disgusting pig he is.


I truely hope he gets caught or he does follow through with a divorce. This poor woman, I hope she wants out. He was already cheating emotionally, but now physically had sex with my friend, probably no condom... His poor wife.. It does make me sick and trust me I would want to anonymously tell her, but I have no idea either of their names and I don't think it's my place to get involved. But trust me, it makes me so sick I want his wife to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I wonder if her lack of concern is simply because she isn't interested in anything serious with him.


Oh no she's fully said she thinks this guy is her soul mate... They connect on all levels. She says she knows it's wrong and she's playing with fire, but she thinks he is worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Lon said:


> If the guy is cheating, versus is in the process of separation, none of that even really matters to your friend cathy, she chose to get involved with him regardless of his actual relationship status. So your friend clearly has no respect for other people's relationships and if I were you I'd be wary of having a person like that around in my life. If you and Cathy are somewhat distant already I would expect you will naturally want to put even more distance between your family and her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


100% I agree with this.... I'm seeing her in a whole new light. If she can have such an easy time cheating with this guy, having seen pictures of him with his wife, two young babies... What else would she do? My husband will be far far away from this one. Although I trust my husband if she pulled anything on him, he would tell me and tell her right off. But knowing all this, she would never ever be allowed to be a part of my close circle and I will have no issues telling her why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> If I had a friend in a similar situation, I would try to reason to her advantage. That is, he is unavailable, therefore wasting her time. And that others, both men and women, whose good opinion of her she may be dependent on (socially, professionally) will not be sympathetic to her choices.
> 
> And lastly, if she were really all that, she would have done better by attracting someone who was already available. I don't remember if said how old she is, but I do chuckle at the thought that young women think that they are so hot for having diverted the attention of an older man from his usually equally older wife. Well, since society tells us that us older ladies are dried up and washed out already, then how much of a challenge could that have been.
> 
> I suspect that most younger women would prefer the hot younger and available guy. Especially since his earning still has greater potential. but then, they're much in demand. Guess your friend thinks she's doing the best that she can.


She is almost 33. Far from being a young immature girl.. She should know better. This guy is in his early 30's as well.
She has been in a few relationships (2 years is usually the max) and she moves on for similar reasons every time "I'm bored of him", "He doesn't stimulate me".. "This isn't going anywhere"..
I just thought she was being picky - which I thought was fine since she's very attractive, has her life together, great career.. 
I think she does feel flattered that a married man would be interested, but normal people would know that's not something to be flattered about - He's a scum bag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> "What you're doing is morally reprehensible, and I simply have no room in my life for it.
> 
> So, for as long as you're so committed to living your life as an unprincipled coward, I want absolutely nothing at all to do with you."
> 
> ...


I am getting there... It's making me more angry every day. I haven't talked to her in a few days.. I'm debating ripping her - or just completely avoiding her. I'm going to avoid route for now.

Her BF is history now... They fully broke up. I would warn him, but seriously he's dodging a bullet by leaving. So I think he will be thanking his lucky stars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> With a separation, a simple phone call to the ex will clear matters up.


If they've separated and she is left single looking after the two young children I would suggest that her cooperation level might not be all that high upon receiving a phone call "I'm ringing to check that you and your H are separated. I think he's wonderful and my soul mate and I wanted to be sure he is separated so that we can have loads of sex." :laugh:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

mariemount12 said:


> I am getting there... It's making me more angry every day. I haven't talked to her in a few days.. *I'm debating ripping her - or just completely avoiding her.* I'm going to avoid route for now.
> 
> Her BF is history now... They fully broke up. I would warn him, but seriously he's dodging a bullet by leaving. So I think he will be thanking his lucky stars.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't do either. You might think it will make you feel better ripping into her but it will just bring the drama into your life and avoiding her just makes you into the passive aggressive . Be honest, tell her straight up that you cannot condone what she is doing and you don't want to be any part of it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

mariemount12 said:


> 100% I agree with this.... I'm seeing her in a whole new light. If she can have such an easy time cheating with this guy, having seen pictures of him with his wife, two young babies... What else would she do? My husband will be far far away from this one. Although I trust my husband if she pulled anything on him, he would tell me and tell her right off. But knowing all this, she would never ever be allowed to be a part of my close circle and I will have no issues telling her why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'd take a little more stock in the Happy Birthday Wish if I was you. Do you text her boyfriend Happy Birthday? How did she know it was your hubby's birthday, did you tell her or was it important enough to her to remember? Also you need to recognize that every married woman alive thinks their husband won't cheat on them ... until they do. You stated that after her relationship with the MM blows up you may consider letting her back in your circle of friends, well seems to me that would be the worst time to re-bond with her as she'll be looking for fresh meat, i.e your husband possibly. I'd remove this cancer from your life with extreme prejudice, there is nothing positive in it for you or your marriage.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd take a little more stock in the Happy Birthday Wish if I was you. Do you text her boyfriend Happy Birthday? How did she know it was your hubby's birthday, did you tell her or was it important enough to her to remember? Also you need to recognize that every married woman alive thinks there husband won't cheat on them ... until they do. You stated that after her relationship with the MM blows up you may consider letting her back in your circle of friends, well seems to me that would be the worst time to re-bond with her as she'll be looking for fresh meat, i.e your husband possibly. I'd remove this cancer from your life with extreme prejudice, there is nothing positive in it for you or your marriage.


She only would have known it was my hubby's bday from social media. Instead of posting/commenting like everyone else, she personally text him.
I did think it was odd at the time, since they aren't close and they never text. Like I said, she only had his number from wedding stuff almost 2 years prior.

I 1000% won't be allowing her into my life at this point. She really doesn't bring anything positive to my life really.. In the last few years all she does is complain and talks negative about relationships, marriage, life in general really. I have to agree maybe she's just negative energy I don't need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

aine said:


> stop making excuses for her.
> You know what she is doing is totally wrong.
> Tell her how you feel about what she is doing, as she is messing with someone else's H
> Further, she is taking away a father from two innocent kids, who could easily be you for example.
> Tell her to contact his wife and let her know, I doubt very much that he told the wife he wants a divorce.


While it takes two to cheat... its still the WS who has the choice to make. If he's PLAYING women to get into their panties - then even more so, its on him and he'll find another fish to F around with.

IN which case, your friend is just part of his game and she is involving herself with such a person. I don't know why that would be ATTRACTIVE. Its lying.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

KillerClown said:


>


Why did you post a photo of a HOE? You garden?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Your ex-friend's sex-mate saying "I can't come over - too many eyes?" = clear sign, he ain't AVAILABLE.

Your ex-friend sending a text message to YOUR husband = likely fishing for a response and going from there.

She's bad news. Both her and her sex-mate are scum.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> I 1000% won't be allowing her into my life at this point. She really doesn't bring anything positive to my life really.. In the last few years all she does is complain and talks negative about relationships, marriage, life in general really. I have to agree maybe she's just negative energy I don't need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you have made a wise choice. It's tough to assess friends as to how much happiness they bring to you. I'd like to think that maybe I can bring just a little happiness to them but if the cost was this much negative energy to me and my life it gets to point of not being worth it. Especially when she's doing something that is so much diametrically apposed to your beliefs.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

One of my wife's "old friends" was toxic - telling my wife lies about me. So, she has blocked her on FB, etc... Such lies help caused my wife to break NC and cheat behind my back again (many months ago).


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

TaDor said:


> Your ex-friend's sex-mate saying "I can't come over - too many eyes?" = clear sign, he ain't AVAILABLE.
> 
> Your ex-friend sending a text message to YOUR husband = likely fishing for a response and going from there.
> 
> She's bad news. Both her and her sex-mate are scum.


Omg yes.. I didn't see it at the time, because she had given me no reason not to trust her, but I remember my GUT telling me it felt weird... But I wasn't sure why. My husband showed me his phone right away and said "I have no idea who this number is?" And I recognized it and saw it was her. He never responded back - I think it totally proved a point to her that my husband had no interest in engaging.

What is weird too, at a wedding recently where my hubby was the Best Man, "Cathy" was going on and on in front of me, my family members, even my husbands mother, how amazing (my husband) is.. She kept saying it and it started to make the few of us standing there a bit weirded out. My MIL saved the day and ended the weirdness by commenting back "Well my daughter in law is pretty darn perfect for him, and there's no one else in the world I would want with my son.. And she's an amazing mother too".. Aww nicest 

So nowwww omg could my friend be really that psycho that if my husband entertained it even remotely - she would bite at it for sure!!!! Ewee I cannot be friends with her... If you can't trust your own friend, who can you trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TaDor said:


> One of my wife's "old friends" was toxic - telling my wife lies about me. So, she has blocked her on FB, etc... Such lies help caused my wife to break NC and cheat behind my back again (many months ago).


What exactly did the toxic friend say about you?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@mariemount12 : Your husband seems great to have shown you that and not respond. With my experience tho - I recommend ALL couples to read "not just friends" to help prevent infidelity. If *YOU* think it can't happen to you - then it will most likely happen (You or your husband). Back in my single days, I've gotten Homeruns on a first date or even as fast as 5 minutes. Your friend "cathy" is an enemy of your relationship.

@NextTimeAround : During false-R, WW still in the fog (only 2 months into trying to fix our relationship) - she is still weak but should have talked to her REAL friends or family... but instead, rather shocking - this "friend" who I'll call "Hoe"... who was supportive of US getting back together, tells my WW something different. Like "years ago, Tador had sex with another woman, he doesn't care about you. He is a control freak and is abusing you". She told my WW things that DID NOT HAPPEN, could NOT have happened about me. Get this, Hoe told my WW I was saying about her (my wife) " F**K that b!tch!". I've NEVER EVER called my wife a B!tch in anger to her face... ever. Not even during her affair arguments. I have a few times outside alone to burn off the energy and anxiety. Two days later, my wife sees the POSOM... after all, I am this HORRIBLE person who is moody and controlling - not letting her talk to the OM or whatever nonsense.

Since then, I showed my wife the FB text logs between myself and Hoe... where Hoe is like "you make a great couple!" 3 weeks before. To telling my wife "I always thought Tador was abusing you. I never liked him and glad you finally saw that!". Yep, she's crazy. I looked at Hoe's entire text history to my wife. Hoe is has moved out-of state, is bi-sexual and always wanted to have sex with my wife - sent her sex fantasies. Hoe wanted my wife to move in with her. Hoe is also banging around 20 yr old boys. Hoe even forwarded a message that a friend of hers who has seen my WW's facebook profile - that he wants to date and bang her. **This is just before I found out the BS FB messenges and how I busted both of them!**.
Hoe has written a 15page diary entry about the horrible things I did to my wife years ago. I only meet Hoe once, and spent a total of an hour talking to her over the course of 12 hours. Hoe gave me & wife a hug goodbye and left on good spirits. Hence, her drama is BS.

When wife sees both mine and her own messages months later, she sees the bigger picture. Wife defriends and blocks Hoe.

Hoe is crazy. There are people like that. 
There are people who use such tactics (usually a better job) to BREAK up a couple to get one of them... some of them spending many months to a year or so to make complete their plan. Sickos.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Thanks to everyone that gave input on my thread!!! Thought I would provide an update:

My friend and married guy continued their affair for maybe a month and then he cut her off completely.
He said he needed time to figure his situation out and didn't think it was fair to anyone to have her as "the other woman". 
Probably the most honest thing he has said.

I have distanced myself from her over the past few months. She wanted to meet for lunch and I thought maybe things have settled and she might look back and see how ridiculous this situation was.

"Cathy" brought him up today (I never asked) and she says she is heartbroken and feels she lost her soul mate. She has no idea if she will ever hear from him again, but feels this connection was mutual and he is only going back to his wife "for the kids".
She said she was "dead inside" and has cried numerous times since he left.
I supported her feelings at first but then I let it out.. I told her from an outsider it was foolish and he guy is untrustworthy. We got into it a bit and she defends him.
I told her I distanced myself from her when I found it about this affair because it made me sick to my stomach and I said any man who can cheat on his wife and go home and kiss his kids goodnight in the same house hold is a scum bag.
This didn't go over to well and she basically cried but also got her back up about my opinions and said I didn't get it, cause I wasn't in her shoes.

I left our lunch date feeling drained and like she's a lost cause. I feel bad for her, but at the same time I don't because she is responsible for putting herself in this situation!!
Why do I feel bad for being honest and giving her my opinion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is a normal reaction from both of you.

She may see things differently once she starts to get over him. Of course, you may not want to be around to see it.

As for the man, I can almost promise your friend this is not his first rodeo. He is likely moving on to his next OW. She needs to get tested for STD's.

That is also not a comfortable conversation to have with her, but necessary.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> It is a normal reaction from both of you.
> 
> She may see things differently once she starts to get over him. Of course, you may not want to be around to see it.
> 
> ...


She would lose it if I told her that. She says he is a good guy.. despite me pointing out the obvious that any man who does this with a wife and kids isn't a good guy, she says I don't know him and can't judge the situation.
She is in complete denial and no matter what I say she defends both her and his actions.. she really does not see what is wrong with all this and still thinks they are soul mates. I think that's the biggest red flag.. I was hoping she might have said by now, that I was right and he was bad news and this ended just as I said it would, that he would not leave his wife and go right back to his wife and kids. But literally whatever he said to her she believes all his words, when his actions are clearly telling her everything she needs to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

All you can do is speak truth. Her reaction is hers to own. 

And yeah, it may be time to leave this one behind. Someone up thread said that friends don't judge each other. I disagree. I would hope like hell my friends would judge and convict me if I was doing something as stupid as sleeping with a married person and justifying it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> It is a normal reaction from both of you.
> 
> She may see things differently once she starts to get over him.


She will see it differently when she has a husband and if she has children. That is if she has a soul.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Of course he's a great guy... 

Just until she crashes head first into reality. Then he'll be an @rsehole. 

Give it time.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> All you can do is speak truth. Her reaction is hers to own.
> 
> And yeah, it may be time to leave this one behind. Someone up thread said that friends don't judge each other. I disagree. I would hope like hell my friends would judge and convict me if I was doing something as stupid as sleeping with a married person and justifying it.


I totally agree! If it is something morally wrong, I would expect my friends to voice their disapproval. Friends that play nice to your face usually are trashing you behind your back about how they truely feel! I'd rather someone tell me flat out, even if it stings to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

All this time, the biggest threat to your marriage has been none other than your best friend.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Satya said:


> Of course he's a great guy...
> 
> Just until she crashes head first into reality. Then he'll be an @rsehole.
> 
> Give it time.


True I guess if he never comes back she might in time see how delirious she is being.
I told her I couldn't wrap my head around it because coming from being married myself, if I was so unhappy in my marriage I would be miserable if I stayed and wouldn't just stay for my kids. A parents happiness is just as important as the children's.. I said if you are truely his soul mate why wouldn't he just want to be happy with you? 
I also voiced my concern that despite the marriage and kids, I was concerned that her dating any man for two months and it breaking off made her feel dead inside ??? And heartbroken??
Jesus ... than I suggest never getting married cause if that ends badly she won't be able to handle that !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> All this time, the biggest threat to your marriage has been none other than your best friend.


What do you mean? Like if my husband had entertained her texting she would have tried to sleep with him too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

mariemount12 said:


> What do you mean? Like if my husband had entertained her texting she would have tried to sleep with him too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you be surprised? I'm saying your BFF's poor boundaries and lack of respect for you has made her a threat to your marriage. She thought nothing of sleeping with a married man, so why wouldn't she take that next step and hook up with your husband? It's a good thing your husband didn't respond to the feelers she put out. I'm not saying she did it consciously to hurt you but people with poor boundaries aren't very self-aware of any line until after they've crossed it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mariemount12 said:


> Thanks to everyone that gave input on my thread!!! Thought I would provide an update:
> 
> My friend and married guy continued their affair for maybe a month and then he cut her off completely.
> He said he needed time to figure his situation out and didn't think it was fair to anyone to have her as "the other woman".
> ...


Send her the following text...

"Oh, and BTW? There's no such thing as 'soul mates'."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Would you be surprised? I'm saying your BFF's poor boundaries and lack of respect for you has made her a threat to your marriage. She thought nothing of sleeping with a married man, so why wouldn't she take that next step and hook up with your husband? It's a good thing your husband didn't respond to the feelers she put out. I'm not saying she did it consciously to hurt you but people with poor boundaries aren't very self-aware of any line until after they've crossed it.


Oh gotcha.. I thought that was what you were getting at and I agree. As soon as I knew she cheated with the married guy she hasn't been within 10feet of my husband and it's staying that way. I don't think I will be seeing her anytime soon.. Her lack of remorse for any of this has changed my opinion of her drastically.. She is selfish and really only cares about herself. She should have been the one to cut contact with HIM.. and had some respect for this poor woman with two small babies, saying to him to take care of his kids and situation and once separated give her a shout. 
If he didn't call this off, she clearly had no intentions of ending this anytime soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Send her the following text...
> 
> "Oh, and BTW? There's no such thing as 'soul mates'."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Omg lol that's sooo funny you say that, because in my rant to her I said, I'm 34 and never met someone and thought instantly I met my "soul mate" .. I said, I love my husband and fall in love with him more everyday but I guess I'm in something ****ty and not real because I never felt he was my "soul mate" after dating for a week lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I didn't catch it if anyone has mentioned it, but have your husband take a shot at her. See what she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

mariemount12 said:


> Looking for some advice.. My best friend just told me she is talking to/seeing a married man.
> 
> My Bff we will call her "Cathy" is not married, has a BF of 2 yrs but isn't happy in her current relationship and met this married man who has 2 young children.
> Cathy is fighting with her BF and he has moved in with family for the time being - so Cathy has some time to sort through all this. Married guy still lives with his wife and kids but has told Cathy he just told his wife he wants a divorce.
> ...



Tell her to wait until after the divorce is finalised and have nothing to do with him until then + 12 months.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> If they've separated and she is left single looking after the two young children I would suggest that her cooperation level might not be all that high upon receiving a phone call "I'm ringing to check that you and your H are separated. I think he's wonderful and my soul mate and I wanted to be sure he is separated so that we can have loads of sex." :laugh:


then don't say that.

Say "Hi, I meet X and I heard he's single."

if he's hiding it, the gig is UP!
If they separate, she says "rat face scum bag etc...you know he's single..."
If she says "no no happily married, thank you very much"...well first up it proves women are liars and troublemakers, but also that even he's he's separated you've got crazy-ex territory !


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

TaDor said:


> There are people who use such tactics (usually a better job) to BREAK up a couple to get one of them... some of them spending many months to a year or so to make complete their plan. Sickos.


There are even a few who just do it to prove a point/get revenge on "happy" or "idiot" people.  do not underestimate the crazy....


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

mariemount12 said:


> Married guy and her finally had sex..
> Makes me sick, he went home to his family afterwards. The next day she invited him to come by again that evening and he responded with "Not a good night... Too many eyes on me tonight".
> Wow... I can't believe how foolish she is being, this guy is disgusting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get a photo of them together (kissing/cuddling or something absolutely un-explain-away-able).
Put photo in envelope.
mail it to the wife (or create an anonymous hotmail/gmail account) and email it. Don't add text, just date and time it was taken. Let the truth do the rest of the work.


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## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Sorry guys I just provided an update to this soap opera on page 6 I believe.. married guy cut her off "to figure out his situation" and Cathy hasn't heard from him in almost 2 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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