# Need some advice



## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

My wife and I have been married 6 years now, and for the first few years sex was great... not so much now. A little background... My wife was married before and had a few other partners before that. She is my first... Anyways like I said the first few years were good then it started to be less often. She told me once I'm over weight and unattractive... (could lose 30 lbs...). So I don't know if that's part of it... She doesn't like it when I offer to go down on her and lately sex has been quickies and I get asked how quick I can be. Anyone have any thoughts...pointers.... tips??? She has been super busy at work and comes home exhausted alot so I don't push having sex much. But she'll stay up and watch a movie for two hours ..... I've been trying to do more of the house work , but if there's a day I don't keep up she gets upset and says she can't do it all herself. Help!!!


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

There could be more background needed, but the clearest thing to me was the attraction. She was straight forward about that. It's hard to hear, but get your attractiveness and edge back and she'll desire you more. Lose those 30 pounds. FWIW, I did the same and it was definitely a factor looking back on it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

hit the gym. get yourself in shape (slowly but surely). make yourself attractive to her again. she already told you what's keeping her away.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> My wife and I have been married 6 years now, and for the first few years sex was great... not so much now. A little background... My wife was married before and had a few other partners before that. She is my first... Anyways like I said the first few years were good then it started to be less often. She told me once I'm over weight and unattractive... (could lose 30 lbs...). So I don't know if that's part of it... She doesn't like it when I offer to go down on her and lately sex has been quickies and I get asked how quick I can be. Anyone have any thoughts...pointers.... tips??? She has been super busy at work and comes home exhausted alot so I don't push having sex much. But she'll stay up and watch a movie for two hours ..... I've been trying to do more of the house work , but if there's a day I don't keep up she gets upset and says she can't do it all herself. Help!!!


Go to the gym. Not for her but for both of you. And if you're going to do house work then do it to help out; or to do it because you should; but do not do it for sex. Covert contracts are bad.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

I've been working on losing weight, and no the house work isn't to get more sex. I'm genuinely trying to help her out with no reward expected. Thank you all for the replies.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Ray,

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Here it is in a nut shell. She is no longer sexually attracted to you. She has placed her job at the top of her priority list and the well being of your marriage has dropped to the bottom. I know, I am in the same boat but twenty years longer. 

First, you need to lose that 30 lbs. not for her but for you! Even after you drop the 30 lbs. sex will not return. She needs to get the idea that it is unacceptable to you to live the rest of your life this way. She needs to understand that placing work above the marriage could bring the marriage to an end. For years early in my marriage I had to work a lot of hours but I was never to tired for my marriage. 

Do you have children? If not do not have any until this gets worked out as the sexless marriage will get worse. You need to make sure that you are sharing the house work load equally. Do not think that by doing extra so she won't be tired will help get her in the mood. All the things you mentioned above are just excuses because she doesn't want to have sex with you she is no longer sexually attracted to you. Maybe on the nights she is to tired you need to go out with your buddies and do the things that attracted her in the first place. If you dropped all your hobbies start doing some of them again. Invite her along but if she says no go without her. Let her see you have options if she doesn't want to participate. Stop accepting the crappy sex offers of quickies. I have walked out of the room a few times when she was just laying there asking the same question "how quick can you make this".

It will be a long road to turn this around (even if possible) and you will never be able to let your guard down in the future. Do not be afraid to let her know this is unacceptable to you.

Oh by the way has she stayed in shape? I hope so if she is complaining about you.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Always learning...thank you! Yes I'm working on the weight issue. She had two kids when we got married but we have none together. As far as the quickies, I agree. I don't always take her up on it. It's frustrating because she'll make comments while we're out with friends about having plans when we get home but then when we get home quite often(not always) I get the I'm really tired bit and we go right to sleep. Even when I've been exhausted I've always done for her what she's wanted sexually. It bothers me too that she'll comment about having "plans" but then they don't always happen. In the last year or so she's put on a little.. emphasis on a little...and it bothers her. It bothers her too when I tell her I love her no matter what and think shes still attractive because then she takes it that I'm not worried about her health. I mentioned to her one time that if I made some of the comments to her that she makes to me she'd have a fit.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ray83 said:


> My wife and I have been married 6 years now, and for the first few years sex was great... not so much now. A little background... My wife was married before and had a few other partners before that. She is my first... Anyways like I said the first few years were good then it started to be less often. She told me once I'm over weight and unattractive... (could lose 30 lbs...). So I don't know if that's part of it... She doesn't like it when I offer to go down on her and lately sex has been quickies and I get asked how quick I can be. Anyone have any thoughts...pointers.... tips??? She has been super busy at work and comes home exhausted alot so I don't push having sex much. But she'll stay up and watch a movie for two hours ..... I've been trying to do more of the house work , but if there's a day I don't keep up she gets upset and says she can't do it all herself. Help!!!



Ray, how often does she orgasm? Are you certain?

1. Never ask if she wants you to go down, just head south with purpose and pleasure. If she doesn't want it, she'll pull you away. 

2. Do your part around the house but don't take sh!t if you haven't earned it.

3. Get up, turn off the TV and start making out with her.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

I forget to add.... I haven't been doing as much with friends in the evenings as I used to. Even then it was one or two days a week. She likes us to have supper together and to have help with housework. I try to do what I can for her, it just seems..to me..its becoming a one way street. A little side note on the job...a few years ago she was looking at switching jobs and had two possibilities, the one she has now and a different one. She asked me which one I thought she should take so I told her and that's the job she currently has even though she would have rather had the other. But I was honest with her when she asked and I told her it was because I thought this one would be more stable for our family. A couple times when I brought up to her that we weren't seeing each other much anymore her reply was " well this is the job you wanted me to take ".


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Anon, sex usually doesn't bring her to orgasm, I do that for her afterwards because she says sex is a turn on for her. She doesn't always want that after sex but whenever she does I do it for her. Foreplay is usually a brief thing. 
1. That's been successful once in about two years, the other times she's pulled me away.
2 I've been trying to help out more with the housework but if I don't keep up II get from her that she can't do it all byherself.
3. I'll try that!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Keep in mind that you don't do housework to help her out, you do your part because you live there. Can seem like semantics but there is an attitude difference between the two. The former suggests you're doing her a favor and deserve a reward which is not the case. 

And if you recommended this job for the stability then that could mean the tradeoff is more hours for her. Maybe it's not worth it in the long run. 

How much are you working compared to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Good point on the housework. I do probably half the cooking too which I don't really mind. As far as the job goes, yes it takes a lot of her time, but she's the type that likes to keep her schedule packed. She worked part time for a while and during that was on two community committees and involved in a major community project. I did see her more than now, but she was still very busy. My work schedule is screwy, I work a split shift fall through spring and in the summer I do farm work and haying, so the amount of time I have for housework varies depending on the time of year.


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