# what to do now.....



## rap4_23 (Jul 5, 2011)

I dont really know what I will get out of this post, but I am so lost its scarey..

Long story, short...
Im 46, been with wife (who I love) for 30 years (married for 20). 2 children..

Wife had bad credit card problem early in out marriage that sank us financially. Although we recovered financially and are well off, Im afraid scars were left behind.....trust issues, etc

We are not on same page with parenting at all. We fight constantly about our kids. I expect them to do what they are told, she lets them walk all over her and be disrespectful. 

She had a hysterectomy 5 years ago. 3 years ago she began having discomfort during sex. Around that time was the last time we had intercourse. There is the occasional oral sessions, bit those are becoming far and between, and sadly, I dont look for that as often as I used to. 

I am a very intimate person. I have a strong sex drive. I love intimiate conversation and romance. 

She has pretty much turned all intimacy off. She sits on the couch by 730 7 days a wekk and is asleep by 800- 830. 

For over a year, I asked her to talk to het dr about her discomfort and see if there is something she can try. She says she will, but never does. She has gained weight and has said to me she doesnt feel sexy. She says she will do something about it, she never does. I have planned nights out for us, but she always falls asleep. I have planned day trips but she tells me she is not interested in the activity i planned. 

I am still very active and I want to include her in what I do, but she is not interested. Its as if I am 46 going on 30, and she is 46 going on 60. I have not cheated, but I am attracted to other women. Not that I ever considered persuing. 

I dont see this changing. I love my wife, but I am absolutely terrified that this is it. Im 46, I have a wife who no longer has an interest in what I like to do, I have a wife who I share 0 intimacy with. I have had intercourse for the last time in my life. 

Is this ok? I dont want to leave my wife. But I also cannot imagine that Im done with the physical and intimate part of our relationship. This cant be.

Help....anyone :-(


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. That really sucks.

Speaking off the top of my head, I would tell her that either she starts to show some interest again, or you're outta there. Whether that means counseling for her or both of you or whatever I don't know, but she needs to smarten the he!! up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its time to get pissed off here. The both of you have a responseability as a marriade couple to meet each others needs, when two become one.
Tolorating this will only make it worse, so go a head and inform her that it will not hurt to lift the skirt! She is being unfair and everyone diserves affection and as a honorable man you will move on with out her and find and *give* affection to some one that wants it.

The emotional abuse she is doing to you is unacceptable IMHO, so take your balls back and face her....take her and if she can't recipricate then it will be up to her to fix her while you go and find happiness.

This has nothing to do with you want a piece or your needs. its about your wife and how she is treating her spouse. it is how ever up to you and tolorate it or inform her its time to move on.

Her behavior is deteriorating the marriage and when this happen, so often it makes for some bad choices. So I strongly suggest you confront her and let her know that cheating on her and finding another women is out of the question, but as a man....a honorable man you will move on and find some one that WANTS YOU!

You have ingrained a behavior in her that makes her think its ok to let her hold on to your balls and pull them out on her terms. Please take them back, fix your self then you can fix your marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She is in violation of her marriage vows. You have the right to expect adequate sex and other intimacy with your spouse. Your needs are normal and healthy, and leading a sexless life is not healthy physically or emotionally.

I think you have the right to insist that she take strong action to figure out what medical or psychological issues are causing her problems and to work on resolving them.

She is choosing to sacrifice your happiness and your natural needs so that she can be lazy in the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife sounds very depressed. There are lots of things that could cause this.

It's wrong for her to drag your marriage down and not take care of herself and your needs. 

The first step is for you to have a talk with her that this has to change. Then make sure she gets to a doctor to deal with the pain and the depression. 

the solution to her depression could be just getting up and going for walks. Maybe the two of you could start out walking and see if that improves her moods.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Check out Married Man Sex Life and start running Athol's MAP. However, the final step in the MAP is an ultimatum that things change, or you leave. If you can get to that point, it may work. If you're unwilling to leave, then she has no motivation to change.

Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do the right thing, take all necessary measures to get what you want from the partner you made a vow and promise to all those years first. Divorcing because needs aren't being met after trying the best you could to work it out is much more honorable than divorcing when she finds out you cheated.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife sounds very depressed. There are lots of things that could cause this.
> 
> It's wrong for her to drag your marriage down and not take care of herself and your needs.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Check out Married Man Sex Life and start running Athol's MAP. However, the final step in the MAP is an ultimatum that things change, or you leave. If you can get to that point, it may work. If you're unwilling to leave, then she has no motivation to change.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree: And remember that if she is dealing with a medical issue you have a responsibility to stand by her but if she is refusing to deal with a medical issue your responsibility ends at her refusal.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You mention quite a few things. I just wonder if they have anything to do with each other. You blaming her for financial misdeeds. The way you both bring up your kids. And the sex refusal.
You dont mention their ages either. 
I get the feeling if the other things are sorted so will the sex.


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