# Military guy needs honest women advice.



## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

My wife of 6 years + 2 baby girls has just told me she want a separation. I already have been gone for seven months handling our country's dirty work, but now I'm facing coming home to an empty home. I admit that I was not the most romantic guy for a portion of our marriage, but I made some changes, and she became more receptive to my new approach to making her feel like I truly desired. Well, she even told me she improved. But, this week in the snap of a finger, I was placed in an awful position. She calls and lets me talk to the girls,but our convo is short and cold. I really want to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, but I've been shut out. She tells me she needs time and space which she has had for some time now. So, what should I do? Give her what she asks, or try to sweep her off her feet via telling and showing her how much I need her? Thank you for any and all imput.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Time and space? Umm that's your wife. Is there someone else? Exactly what would you do to sweep her off her feet? I ask because different people have different ideas on how to do that. I would suggest you tell her you expect her to be home when you get home and she can talk to you fac to face about why she wants a seperation and what brought this about.
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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

I don't think there is someone else, but I'm not sure. She spends a lot of time with her parents and sister. I just don't get it. I've been sending cards every day to express my feelings, and she says not too. She is mad at me for also telling her dad the situation, which really made her family made that she would even consider this. I am just at a total loss here.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm there may very well be someone else. Now if she is unwilling to talk face to face about the seperation issue you could suggest divorce instead and tell her she can have her time and space as a divorced woman and you will work out custody arrangements then. Now this may seem extreme but her suggesting seperation and her not wanting cards from you seems suspicious to me. 

Of course someone else might have a better suggestion... but imo... no one changes at the snap of a finger...... 

Did she even say why she wanted seperation other then time and space? I suggest you keep talking to her family as well as yours about this.
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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

She just called and seemed kind of bumbled after I talked to my kids. I read the 180 marriage advice and followed suit. I was nice and wished her well but was not groveling at the thought of life without her. It was hard to do, but I think she felt a change in me. Or maybe she got the first card. Dunno.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well keep up with the 180. I hope you find out what's going on.
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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Ty for your input


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yw. I do hope everything turns out better for you.
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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Ironsites883 said:


> She just called and seemed kind of bumbled after I talked to my kids. I read the 180 marriage advice and followed suit. I was nice and wished her well but was not groveling at the thought of life without her. It was hard to do, but I think she felt a change in me. Or maybe she got the first card. Dunno.


More likely she was subdued because your temporary replacement was not willing to make it permanent. Separations are for the wife to explore her new relationship and reach a decision as to whether you or the new guy is going to win the prize (her). Time to investigate. Check the cell phone records.


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> More likely she was subdued because your temporary replacement was not willing to make it permanent. Separations are for the wife to explore her new relationship and reach a decision as to whether you or the new guy is going to win the prize (her). Time to investigate. Check the cell phone records.


I agree. There's a fox in your henhouse.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Stop sending the cards, it will do nothing to change her mind whilst she's feeling like she is, it makes you look too needy...
I do agree with the others, her behaviour is v. fishy - start your investigation
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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sounds fishy... You were deployed recently and she needs "space"? It seems there are some developments your aren't aware of.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

First of all, thank you for your service to our country.
Second, as the spouse of a service member, I can tell you this much, your wife has had 7 months of separation already, she either can't handle deployments anymore or there is a Jody in the picture.
Since she cannot give you a specific reason for wanting a separation, I'm going to go with there is someone else.
If you have joint accounts, look to see what she is spending money on, check cell records to see if there are multiple calls & texts to a certain number & if there's a pattern to those.
The number may even be one you know, as the other man could be a BF'er who is on Rear D, I've seen it happen before.
I'm sorry this happening while you're deployed, you already have enough to deal with, you don't need this kind of added stress.


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Ironsites883 said:


> My wife of 6 years + 2 baby girls has just told me she want a separation. I already have been gone for seven months handling our country's dirty work, but now I'm facing coming home to an empty home. I admit that I was not the most romantic guy for a portion of our marriage, but I made some changes, and she became more receptive to my new approach to making her feel like I truly desired. Well, she even told me she improved. But, this week in the snap of a finger, I was placed in an awful position. She calls and lets me talk to the girls,but our convo is short and cold. I really want to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, but I've been shut out. She tells me she needs time and space which she has had for some time now. So, what should I do? Give her what she asks, or try to sweep her off her feet via telling and showing her how much I need her? Thank you for any and all imput.


I am a military wife and I was wondering is this your first deployment? She may be scared of how this deployment has changed you. I think what you should do is while respecting her wishes at the same time, but still do things to woo her. Suggest starting over by still being married but starting at the dating stage. Giver her time to where you guys can reconnect and get to know each other again. Go on dates, do things on them dates that had her fall in love you the first time and remind her why you guys got married to begin with. Deployments can change both sides of marriage and sometimes it needs reconnection in a slow manner. Don't bomb bard her with your emotions but at the same time tell her enough to let her know she is still the one for you.


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## nina36 (Nov 4, 2012)

Iron i really don't think she probably have someone else, she is probably want you to pamper her more and let her know that you appreciate her taking care of home while you are gone. She is stress i can relate because i am a military wife and i am currently looking into a separation from my husband. Regular people can not relate to this unless they are military spouses, we are lonely and we want you guys to love us unconditional and our expectations are so high when you come back home and if you do not meet them this brings depression all kinds of stuff. Be patient with her at least she probably want you to fight to keep your marriage to see if that is what you want. Give her time.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Nina... Something to think about. While your busting your butt at home, feeling lonely, ect.... Your husband is busting his butt over seas or wherever he is deployed. Im sure he would appreciate more affection, pampering, attention, ect from his wife as well. Keep in mind that he is probably just as lonely and to keep the relationship going it will take effort from both parties. Just think about that before you go through with a seperation or divorce.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Any updates OP?
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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

nina36 said:


> Iron i really don't think she probably have someone else, she is probably want you to pamper her more and let her know that you appreciate her taking care of home while you are gone. She is stress i can relate because i am a military wife and i am currently looking into a separation from my husband. Regular people can not relate to this unless they are military spouses, we are lonely and we want you guys to love us unconditional and our expectations are so high when you come back home and if you do not meet them this brings depression all kinds of stuff. Be patient with her at least she probably want you to fight to keep your marriage to see if that is what you want. Give her time.


No offense Nina, but I am going to go completely opposite of your advice. 

OP, I am prior service ( spent 6 years AD) as well as a military spouse for 10 years and counting. I am sorry, but my husband spent a year in a tent with 9 other guys. No personal space, no time to himself. Food that was crap. Woke up freezing a couple of times in the winter because the heat stopped working. (Luckily he had two heated blankets.) During that I was living in our house, going to school, seeing our children every day, eating good food, seeing friends, and doing fun things on the weekends. When he got home it was about HIM. If your wife can not see past herself to see what YOU are going through, then perhaps the separation is a good idea. 

Do I get bombarded with a lot of responsibility while he is gone? Yes. Do I raise the kids alone? Yes. Do I take care of the house by myself? Yep. But all of that is NOTHING compared to what he has been through on a deployment. In my honest opinion, you should think long and hard about if she can actually be supportive of YOUR experiences during deployment.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm curious what your response would be though Dawn if you had never been AD yourself. You have the benefit of knowing what it's like on his end. We haven't had our deployment yet but he has gone on State Active Duty last year for flooding and now for Sandy. It's not a deployment but I get lonely even after a month, I can see myself feeling somewhat how nina describes. I don't need to be pampered but it is hard to understand what they go through being away from home if you haven't done it. I know whenever my SO calls me when he is gone I always her people laughing and joking in the background. He always talks about the people he is with and the things they did and what they talked about. Yet I'm sitting at home with the kids, no one to talk to and keeping on with daily life without him. I get kind of envious that he is out of the house experiencing life other than the daily grind and it's all without me. It's just hard to see it from that side if you haven't walked in their shoes and that goes both ways.

OP, I think you should be cautious and not jump to a conclusion that she is cheating but don't rule it out so quick either. Do some research like the other posters have said. You can't start trying to fix it until you can either rule out or confirm some type of an affair. The fixing would be different depending on what is really going on with her.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Soifon said:


> I'm curious what your response would be though Dawn if you had never been AD yourself. You have the benefit of knowing what it's like on his end. We haven't had our deployment yet but he has gone on State Active Duty last year for flooding and now for Sandy. It's not a deployment but I get lonely even after a month, I can see myself feeling somewhat how nina describes.I can understand needing to feel appreciated, but that is a two way street.I do have an advantage of knowing what the other side is like, but I also ASK my husband. Do I know the food is terrible on his deployment? Not until he tells me. I don't need to be pampered but it is hard to understand what they go through being away from home if you haven't done it. I know whenever my SO calls me when he is gone I always her people laughing and joking in the background. He always talks about the people he is with and the things they did and what they talked about. Which when you look closely is a coping mechanism. They are trying to form a social bond in order to cope with the facts that the miss their families. Can you imagine not seeing your kids for a year? Doesn't it sound horrible? Can you imagine how it would FEEL if you came back and the family had moved on without you for a year and you don't even know what to do or where to start? Yet I'm sitting at home with the kids, no one to talk to and keeping on with daily life without him.Why is that? Why do you have no one to talk to? I get kind of envious that he is out of the house experiencing life other than the daily grind and it's all without me. And on that flip side he is jealous that you see and participate in your families life daily. You are sleeping in your house, in your bed, with your kids, a bathroom just for you and your family right down the hall. (probably LOL) It's just hard to see it from that side if you haven't walked in their shoes and that goes both ways.I agree. But you have to try. You have to talk and realize that you are NOT overseas, thousands of miles away from home, eating crap food with no other options to eat, sleeping in a tiny worn out bed in a tent with 10-20 other people in it on a good day, and wondering if your family even misses you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

way to drive it home Dawn!


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Thank you ladies for all the advice! I'm going to let her have some space and reassure her how much I still care. Hopefully it is something we can rekindle our passion phase. I've sent a lot of time reflecting on the situation, and I don't want to smother her. So, hopefully she still cares when I get back. Thank you all again!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> way to drive it home Dawn!


I apologize Chilly, did I offend?? Did not mean to. maybe I am too close to these topics....


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Ok ladies. If you've read my post great. I need more advice. I have been given time off to go home and address my situation. She does not know I'm coming home and our situation has been a slippery slope. Am I crazy for doing this? Is scares the crap out of me, but I feel that I can't show her how much I want to save our marriage via e-mail. Please I need some help here. I'm going home tomorrow morning. Thank you all.


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## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

I am a military wife. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have been through 3 deployments. I've seen many different types of outcomes from families surviving deployments, and some not surviving them. Unfortunately, there is a large possibility that she found someone else. She may not have entered a relationship even, but has maybe had her eyes open to new opportunities. She also could have just grown a lot as her own person and realized that you aren't what she wants. I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I hope that you are given some type of honest closure from her, so that you can heal appropriately. Feel free to ask me any questions, for a military wife's perspective. I wish you all the best.


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## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

Ironsites883 said:


> Ok ladies. If you've read my post great. I need more advice. I have been given time off to go home and address my situation. She does not know I'm coming home and our situation has been a slippery slope. Am I crazy for doing this? Is scares the crap out of me, but I feel that I can't show her how much I want to save our marriage via e-mail. Please I need some help here. I'm going home tomorrow morning. Thank you all.


Emotionally prepare yourself for the worst. I hope that you find an honest woman who has just made a decision, without any external elements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going home without her knowing you had better be prepared to walk in on something that could get you very upset.

I'm not saying that it's 100% that there will be another guy there; only that it's a possibility. 

Know what you are going to do if this is the situation. Have a plan just in case so that it does not get out of hand.

Being a military wife, left for months at a time to deal with the home and the children is very hard. It's hard to keep the relationship going. This is why there are a lot of affairs (on both sides) and broken marriages in the military.

I hope that there are no surprises and that it goes well for the both of you.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Time and space? Then she's cheating.

This site has 100's of examples on how asking for some time or a separation is due to an affair.

If she doesn't know you're going back then rent a car and follow her for a day or two, you'll find her boyfriend.
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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Ironsites883 said:


> Ok ladies. If you've read my post great. I need more advice. *I have been given time off to go home and address my situation*. She does not know I'm coming home and our situation has been a slippery slope. Am I crazy for doing this? Is scares the crap out of me, but I feel that I can't show her how much I want to save our marriage via e-mail. Please I need some help here.* I'm going home tomorrow morning.* Thank you all.


How did you manage to get time off to go home from a deployment? 
Did something else happen that enabled you to be granted emergency leave?
It's not normal for service members to be given time off like that to deal with family issues unless there are extenuating circumstances.


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## AwwSnail (Jul 22, 2012)

Good luck and I hope things become more clear for you.


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