# End it or Save it?



## plman (Nov 15, 2011)

First post and of course, it's one of my situation. Probably a familiar story overall. So, I'll get right to the point: 

Married over 21 years with two children, 14 and 11 years of age. Marriage has been very unstable and littered with arguments, silent treatments, etc. Many of the arguments involve the lack of sex which came about from the very start of our marriage. Sex has been very infrequent and at one point when confronted, my wife explained to me, it was due to the lack of love she felt for me. I have been living with that ever since. 

So, skip forward to the current day. I started training for triathlons and marathons six months ago and during that time I met someone. Her marriage is (and will) come to an end, in divorce. There is no salvaging it. We connect very well, and while our we are entertaining every bit of an emotional affair, it is getting dangerously close to physical. Exciting, but scares me to death. I just cannot live with the guilt should the boundary be breached. The main reason for that last statement is that my wife is trying at our marriage harder than ever but that was in response to my asking her for a divorce several weeks back. That was resolved in a reconciliation of “we’ll both try harder at our faults.” She is working at our marriage to make it better. But, I have a serious problem, and that is that I am not sure that I still love her with the passion that I once did. So many years of feeling I was just a sidecar in her life. By-the-way, she has admitted to the neglect.

Last bit: I believe I am in love with the OW. We talk about the future and how we could work things out. It would not be easy especially with my kids. Unquestionable I am physically attracted and she has the intellectual aspects as well to be the complete package. When I am away from her any length of time I think about her constantly. With that said, I believe there to be a glimmer of hope that I could find love again with my current wife. She is a beautiful person in every respect and I cannot continue to be so covert. She deserves better than that regardless of the past.

What to do?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Work on your marriage. Sure, the OW looks fantastic, you mesh well on many levels, and you are thinking about her all the time. Think it will be like that five years down the road? New love is always exciting, full of hope, everything is great. That is NOT reality. Reality is, people discover what the other person is really like when they get into the daily nit-and-grit of living.

The OW will not look as shiny and bright if you simply exchange current wife for a new make and model. I understand that after things have sucked for so many years, you would naturally gravitate towards someone who makes you feel good about yourself and who gives you the attention you don't get at home.

BUT ... you shook your wife up with the mention of divorce. She is willing to work at improving the marriage. How about MC - is she willing to go?


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## plman (Nov 15, 2011)

Prodigal,

Well put and yes, she is willing to try MC. Related, I have always believed the old saying that a family that prays together, stays together. So, I need to work on my faith, and try to re-establish some confidence in myself and uphold the sacred vows. I am finding this whole thing a most challenging situation. I keep looking at this like a puzzle and that there must be an easy solution to the whole thing. There is not. My poor little brain just cannot process all the emotions right now. I am living on instinct alone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

does your wife know about your emotional affair? What about OW's husband?

All parties need to know make informed decisions, your wife may not even want to save the marriage if she knew.


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## plman (Nov 15, 2011)

Well, both are aware to a certain degree. They both know that there is EA going on. However, both don't know how strongly the feelings are (emotional bond). My wife was understanding and I explained to her that I did not feel the love for her that I once did; a big part of why I was seeking outside-of-marriage companionship. I hope she does not expect that to be something that I can instantly turn back on. That switch has been broken for many years. It will be difficult repair but I am willing to work at it.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

What to do?

1) Figure out whether or not you want to stay married to your wife. If you do, sever all contact with the OW. If you don't go hire an attorney and divorce her.

2) If you chose divorce, "what to do?" will take care of itself. If you chose to try to work things out and cut off all contact with the OW......

Take a little time and figure out what you WANT in your marriage, and what you NEED in your marriage (WANT will be a longer list than NEED). Don't be afraid to get specific- "Honey, I need sex 3 times a week on average." "No silent treatment after arguments." "Smile when you're throwing pots and pans at me." That kind of stuff.

3) Try to determine as best you can the things you do wrong that contribute to problems in the marriage. Try to figure out how to solve those problems.

4) Sit down with your wife. Apologize for your interest in the OW. Discuss your faults with her, and how you can improve the marriage from your end. Then talk about your wants and needs, and find out if she is willing and able to try and meet them to make the marriage better from your end.

5) Based on the outcome of item 4, figure out if, with the effort agreed upon, you will be happy in the marriage.

How'zat?

You might also look into some marriage counseling to work out your sexual differences. If you and your wife can't up the frequency, you are always going to be somewhat frustrated.

Goo luck!


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## plman (Nov 15, 2011)

I appreciate the advice. I hope God can give me the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions here. I realize I am only human and that I will make mistakes, sin, and probably mess things up from time to time. What a punch in the gut this all is.


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## Gaylord (Oct 8, 2011)

http://www.marriagemissions.com/love-is-not-a-fight-but-its-worth-fighting-for/


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