# Not sure what to do or how to feel



## Sjackson (Jul 17, 2020)

My wife and I have gone through a lot and now we are in therapy. But I am restricted in every way with anything sexual. I can not do anything until she says she’s ready. And it’s only what she says I can do. I can’t ask to try or suggest to do anything else. I’ve never felt so restricted, suppressed and unwanted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not clear what you mean by you can't do anything sexual until she is ready. Do you mean that you can only have sex with her when she wants to have sex?

Or do you mean that you want to try some things, but you can only do them when she's ok with it? What sort of things are you wanting to do that she won't go along with?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Who says you can't ask or suggest? Your W or the therapist?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Is it the therapist that recommended that? If so, why? Or your wife's rules? If so, why is she like that? Trauma, how you've interacted with her, upbringing, etc. 

The therapist better be a sex therapist.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe you can provide some more details. There are a surprising amount of people here with various experiences and situations. You may find yourself getting some very good advice... even if you might not want to believe it.


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## Sjackson (Jul 17, 2020)

Ok so it’s a long story. I will preface it with this. Her dad was not all that great of a dad to her and did a lot of fat out there things. Wasn’t around very much. When he did have her he tried to hand her off to a relative or something so he could do his own thing.

fast forward to July 2018. I was sexually assaulted on my birthday with sexual advances and acts by another male. (No penetration). Fast forward to September 2018. I meet her for the first time. It’s love at first sight. We immediately have a bond. We spend every night together. I did not try to initiate the first night cause I am still processing the assault. We do have sex the first night cause she asks me if I want her. I don’t really initiate because still going through it. November 2018, the night she turned in her keys to her apartment to move into mine, I notice she’s acting sketchy with her phone while she’s with me trying to be very sneaky about reading messages while around me. she gets out of the car to check her mail and I have access to her phone. Itake a peek just to see if I’m wrong. I’m not. She’s sexting her ex pretty explicitly. This begins the spiraling downward slope of our relationship. We talk it over. We still want to be with each other. December 2018 we are engaged. February I catch something similar happen with the same guy. (This guy is older and is an ex marine and a swat member. I’m an Air Force vet and a network engineer now 27 years old). We talk it over and we stay together. April she’s talking to him again cause we fought. By this time I have lost my mind. I don’t feel myself anymore. I have no sense of trust or security. I have gone through all her emails ever, Snapchat, Facebook messages. She was very sexual in messages to a few other guys. But she’s never been that way with me. She’s sent videos and pictures to guys before and I’ve never gotten that. Basically I just feel like she doesn’t want me. So now I’m jealous, anxiety filled, paranoid, angry, frustrated, alone because I just got out of the military and I have no friends my age and everyone I work with (all 10 of them) are all 50+ which is not bad at all. Everyone is great.). November 2019 we are married. We have fought a lot over the past 2 years but we have calmed down a lot from it and it’s not as bad. But now all she thinks I care about is sex cause I always bring it up (which isn’t me, i just never get to be free with anything sexual with her so it’s just bursting out of me) and she’s annoyed by it, which I understand. I started seeing a therapist first so I can work on my anger, frustration, resentment, etc. now she sees the same therapist for her issues she wants to resolve. And later on we will do couples therapy with the same therapist. We just found out we are pregnant and she has been way sweeter to me and way more open about heremotions and she has her closure for her ex. She tells me she is sorry for what she has done to me and that it wasn’t fair to me to do that and that she owes me the world now. That she will never do anything with anyone to jeopardize our marriage or our family. It means everything to me that she’s said that. But we still have a long way to go and I am restricted with touching her sexually, saying anything of sexual nature, I can not have pictures of my wife for the numerous nights that we don’t have sex, she only is willing to 2-3 times per week (which hasn’t happened because of almost every excuse imaginable) but I have a sex drive to want to everyday and multipletimes a day, we can only do it at night or in a very dark room,never with any lights on. When we do have sex I can’t touch her private parts, she lets me touch her boobs but she doesn’t like it very much. And now that she’s pregnant she’s even more tired constantly, more drained, in pain, nauseous, boobs are tender, and I still can’t touch anything. I am a man and I have to hold back on every single want, need and desire of mine. Which has caused me to develop fantasies with her, most are just normal things that are experiencedin a relationship and some are just more kinky. But I can’t do anything about it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You said her father wasn't a great man and did a lot of "far out there" things. Most of your post screams CSA - whether she has admitted it or not. Until that is dealt with, there is no moving forward. I'm going to assume I'm correct. 

You both need to read this book: "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk. 

It pairs well with: "Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them" by Aphrodite Matsakis. 

You need to read this one: "What About Me" by Grant Cameron.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Now... your relationship has been an absolute train wreck from day one. Do you see that? It's incredibly unhealthy. If you caught her cheating so many times, especially so early into the relationship, why did you keep dating her, get engaged, and marry?

How do you know she's not still cheating? What was done about the affairs, or did you rug sweep all of them?

Your wife doing this complete 180 (for the better) after getting pregnant... Don't expect that to stick around. Right now things feel great and exciting. You're having a baby and it's this super special, bonding time. She gets to feel like she has a piece of you inside her. In my experience, it fades.

For sex... It will not get better until she is honest with her therapist and gets a lot of therapy from someone who specializes in CSA. The average, run of the mill MC will not be able to help her. Even with all the therapy in the world, it may never get better - or at least not as good as you'd like it to be.

It is surprisingly common, expected I'd say, for women to be more sexually free with other men than their husbands if they have a CSA history. They should be able to trust their husband, right? More than anyone else? The same goes for the family member who destroyed every speck of trust and innocence.

For your sex drive... you cannot expect her to match yours. You need to compromise and find something that you are both happy with. You want sex multiple times a day, every day. That is a VERY high sex drive and not a lot of people can keep up with that. She wants to have sex 2-3 times a week, that's a pretty decent number. You may have to fill in the gaps yourself.

Did your high sex drive start after your sexual assault, or has it always been that high?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so it sucks for you. But you can't necessarily force this issue when she is pregnant. Her hormones are going to go crazy and make stuff like her boobs painful to touch some days and wildly erotic others.

Bottom line though is you knew early on about this lack of sex and the involvement of other men and you still let her move in, you still married her, you still got her pregnant. Why did you think things were going to be different. It isn't exactly fair to expect someone to change their being. You knew she wasn't a sexual dynamo from the beginning this isn't bait and switch.

Don't worry though there will be a bunch of men to stop by and tell you she has to give you sex.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are your worst enemy and are the one that has caused yourself this miserable life. How many times did she have to spit in your face ? You have no self respect and allowed a woman who was never into you sexually (because she was too busy giving it away to others) walk all over you like a rag doll.
Then you got married and got her pregnant????????? Jeez.

Was she your first sexual partner???

And let’s get real ... the only reason she is nice now is because she no longer has any sexual market value to her other fans now that she is fat and pregnant..... of course she is nice..... she has no other option


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is a train wreck, not a marriage. 
Buddy she kept stabbing you in the back and you kept handing her the knife. FFS.
If there wasn’t a baby on the way I would tell you to leave but here’s a bit of advice. Get a prenatal dna test done because I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby isn’t yours. 
I still don’t understand why you married her cheating ass to be honest. It’s obvious she doesn’t find you as attractive as most of her exes.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are a provider figure to her ..... not a sexual partner. I bet in her mind she sees you more as a father figure and I bet she had some unfortunate molestation issues with her father. That is why she is disgusted to have sex with you.......think about her “rules” and reaction. She is repulsed.

You both need help but for different reasons. You for why you think it’s ok to get treated like garbage and have no self respect........ and her for her unfortunate past. You also may need some help with your own molestation problem from the past


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Crazy chicks will just make you crazy.

DNA the kid and hope to Christ it isn’t yours.

Get a divorce. Neither one of you are marrying material at this point in life unless dysfunctional is your end goal.


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## Sjackson (Jul 17, 2020)

bobert said:


> Now... your relationship has been an absolute train wreck from day one. Do you see that? It's incredibly unhealthy. If you caught her cheating so many times, especially so early into the relationship, why did you keep dating her, get engaged, and marry?
> 
> How do you know she's not still cheating? What was done about the affairs, or did you rug sweep all of them?
> 
> ...


My sex drive has always been like this. And I know I should have left the very first instance that all of it happened. But I wasn’t myself after I was sexually assaulted and I allowed it to happen and I stayed. My wife has done these things but she is also very brutally honest and she told me that she has her closure and that she’s never going back to him and that she’s never going to do that again with anyone. And the therapist we are seeing is actually very good and incredibly smart. I have hope that once we both start healing and treating each other better and compromising on things, that the trust and security will come back and with that even better treatment for one another and then the fondness and intimacy will return


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Sjackson said:


> Ok so it’s a long story. I will preface it with this. Her dad was not all that great of a dad to her and did a lot of fat out there things. Wasn’t around very much. When he did have her he tried to hand her off to a relative or something so he could do his own thing.
> 
> fast forward to July 2018. I was sexually assaulted on my birthday with sexual advances and acts by another male. (No penetration). Fast forward to September 2018. I meet her for the first time. It’s love at first sight. We immediately have a bond. We spend every night together. I did not try to initiate the first night cause I am still processing the assault. We do have sex the first night cause she asks me if I want her. I don’t really initiate because still going through it. November 2018, the night she turned in her keys to her apartment to move into mine, I notice she’s acting sketchy with her phone while she’s with me trying to be very sneaky about reading messages while around me. she gets out of the car to check her mail and I have access to her phone. Itake a peek just to see if I’m wrong. I’m not. She’s sexting her ex pretty explicitly. This begins the spiraling downward slope of our relationship. We talk it over. We still want to be with each other. December 2018 we are engaged. February I catch something similar happen with the same guy. (This guy is older and is an ex marine and a swat member. I’m an Air Force vet and a network engineer now 27 years old). We talk it over and we stay together. April she’s talking to him again cause we fought. By this time I have lost my mind. I don’t feel myself anymore. I have no sense of trust or security. I have gone through all her emails ever, Snapchat, Facebook messages. She was very sexual in messages to a few other guys. But she’s never been that way with me. She’s sent videos and pictures to guys before and I’ve never gotten that. Basically I just feel like she doesn’t want me. So now I’m jealous, anxiety filled, paranoid, angry, frustrated, alone because I just got out of the military and I have no friends my age and everyone I work with (all 10 of them) are all 50+ which is not bad at all. Everyone is great.). *November 2019 we are married.* We have fought a lot over the past 2 years but we have calmed down a lot from it and it’s not as bad. But now all she thinks I care about is sex cause I always bring it up (which isn’t me, i just never get to be free with anything sexual with her so it’s just bursting out of me) and she’s annoyed by it, which I understand. I started seeing a therapist first so I can work on my anger, frustration, resentment, etc. now she sees the same therapist for her issues she wants to resolve. And later on we will do couples therapy with the same therapist. We just found out we are pregnant and she has been way sweeter to me and way more open about heremotions and she has her closure for her ex. She tells me she is sorry for what she has done to me and that it wasn’t fair to me to do that and that she owes me the world now. That she will never do anything with anyone to jeopardize our marriage or our family. It means everything to me that she’s said that. But we still have a long way to go and I am restricted with touching her sexually, saying anything of sexual nature, I can not have pictures of my wife for the numerous nights that we don’t have sex, she only is willing to 2-3 times per week (which hasn’t happened because of almost every excuse imaginable) but I have a sex drive to want to everyday and multipletimes a day, we can only do it at night or in a very dark room,never with any lights on. When we do have sex I can’t touch her private parts, she lets me touch her boobs but she doesn’t like it very much. And now that she’s pregnant she’s even more tired constantly, more drained, in pain, nauseous, boobs are tender, and I still can’t touch anything. I am a man and I have to hold back on every single want, need and desire of mine. Which has caused me to develop fantasies with her, most are just normal things that are experiencedin a relationship and some are just more kinky. But I can’t do anything about it.


My intent isn't to be mean or glib in anyway, but this seems to be the problem right here. She's treated you like garbage and you keep coming back to the well for more punishment. Why?


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

There is no good advice here.... therapy individually and therapy together as a couple. Understanding your own issue and working on yourself. Both you and her. Lots of communication about every little thing that is bothering you. Lots of honesty between you both. And the most important thing is trying to be the best parents you can to you unborn baby. Good luck


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sjackson said:


> My wife has done these things but she is also very brutally honest and she told me that she has her closure and that she’s never going back to him and that she’s never going to do that again with anyone


So you DO know that cheaters lie with 100% certainty on their face. There are cheaters here who swore to their spouse on their kids lives they weren't cheating. Well, LIE. 
Do you have FULL access to all of her electronics? Will she had over the phone right away if you ask? (like RIGHT NOW ?).
How can you verify that what she says is really "brutally honest"? You need to keep your eyes open with this, and in YOUR counseling, find out WHY you put up with this for so long.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are being chumped and duped into being a provider for her offspring. 

I agree with the above poster to DNA the baby and at least see if it is yours. 

Paternity can be a minefield legally.

As you are married, you may be stuck with paying for it even if it turns out to be another man’s child. 

The sooner you DNA the better your chances.

But anyway, I also agree she sounds a lot like a CSA victim. 

I’m not trying to run further salt into CSA survivor’s sounds but if left untreated many CSA victims can fall into a pattern where they seek supportive beta boys to provide for them and run errands and do tricks for them, but they have no sexual attraction or desire for them and can even often be completely sexually repulsed by them and have an actual aversion to sex with the men that live and support them. 

But at the same time they are very sexually drawn to the “Bad Boys” that would use and exploit them sexually. 

So they often have this disordered pattern of being sexually unresponsive to their kind and supportive partners, but doing outrageous things and having wild porn sex with bad boys that use and exploit them sexually.

In order to keep from being completely cuckolded here and raising a slew of other men’s children you are going to need to learn to stand up for yourself and draw some ironclad boundaries and enforce them with the Mighty 
Sword of Zondar.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sjackson said:


> My wife has done these things but she is also very brutally honest and she told me that she has her closure and that she’s never going back to him and that she’s never going to do that again with anyone.


The issue of concern here is her pattern of stiff-arming you while doing things with the ex that she won’t do with you is not about the ex. He is not a special unicorn of sensual desirability. 

It is about her character and persona. The ex may be gone but her character and persona live on.

.......and there are 3.5 billion other men in the world. 

So unless she corrects her character and behavior, the issues and concerns continue even if the ex was to suddenly drop off the planet. 

She is sexually attracted to men that come from a completely different factory and mold than you. 

You are being give list of activities you can’t mention and a long list of body parts you can’t touch. Yet she is having wild monkey sex with them and sending them pictures and videos of what she can stick up herself. 

Simply saying she’s done with the ex isn’t good enough. She has a ton of heavy lifting and soul-searching effort and potentially years of therapy before she is ready for a healthy, supportive and yet intimate relationship.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Sjackson said:


> Ok so it’s a long story. I will preface it with this. Her dad was not all that great of a dad to her and did a lot of fat out there things. Wasn’t around very much. When he did have her he tried to hand her off to a relative or something so he could do his own thing.
> 
> fast forward to July 2018. I was sexually assaulted on my birthday with sexual advances and acts by another male. (No penetration). Fast forward to September 2018. I meet her for the first time. It’s love at first sight. We immediately have a bond. We spend every night together. I did not try to initiate the first night cause I am still processing the assault. We do have sex the first night cause she asks me if I want her. I don’t really initiate because still going through it. November 2018, the night she turned in her keys to her apartment to move into mine, I notice she’s acting sketchy with her phone while she’s with me trying to be very sneaky about reading messages while around me. she gets out of the car to check her mail and I have access to her phone. Itake a peek just to see if I’m wrong. I’m not. She’s sexting her ex pretty explicitly. This begins the spiraling downward slope of our relationship. We talk it over. We still want to be with each other. December 2018 we are engaged. February I catch something similar happen with the same guy. (This guy is older and is an ex marine and a swat member. I’m an Air Force vet and a network engineer now 27 years old). We talk it over and we stay together. April she’s talking to him again cause we fought. By this time I have lost my mind. I don’t feel myself anymore. I have no sense of trust or security. I have gone through all her emails ever, Snapchat, Facebook messages. She was very sexual in messages to a few other guys. But she’s never been that way with me. She’s sent videos and pictures to guys before and I’ve never gotten that. Basically I just feel like she doesn’t want me. So now I’m jealous, anxiety filled, paranoid, angry, frustrated, alone because I just got out of the military and I have no friends my age and everyone I work with (all 10 of them) are all 50+ which is not bad at all. Everyone is great.). November 2019 we are married. We have fought a lot over the past 2 years but we have calmed down a lot from it and it’s not as bad. But now all she thinks I care about is sex cause I always bring it up (which isn’t me, i just never get to be free with anything sexual with her so it’s just bursting out of me) and she’s annoyed by it, which I understand. I started seeing a therapist first so I can work on my anger, frustration, resentment, etc. now she sees the same therapist for her issues she wants to resolve. And later on we will do couples therapy with the same therapist. We just found out we are pregnant and she has been way sweeter to me and way more open about heremotions and she has her closure for her ex. She tells me she is sorry for what she has done to me and that it wasn’t fair to me to do that and that she owes me the world now. That she will never do anything with anyone to jeopardize our marriage or our family. It means everything to me that she’s said that. But we still have a long way to go and I am restricted with touching her sexually, saying anything of sexual nature, I can not have pictures of my wife for the numerous nights that we don’t have sex, she only is willing to 2-3 times per week (which hasn’t happened because of almost every excuse imaginable) but I have a sex drive to want to everyday and multipletimes a day, we can only do it at night or in a very dark room,never with any lights on. When we do have sex I can’t touch her private parts, she lets me touch her boobs but she doesn’t like it very much. And now that she’s pregnant she’s even more tired constantly, more drained, in pain, nauseous, boobs are tender, and I still can’t touch anything. I am a man and I have to hold back on every single want, need and desire of mine. Which has caused me to develop fantasies with her, most are just normal things that are experiencedin a relationship and some are just more kinky. But I can’t do anything about it.


Sorry dude.
In my opinion you are in for a very, very crappy marriage and I wouldn't be shocked if you are divorced in a few years and you will be miserable. 
I have no idea why any man would not have dumped this girl and moved on to the next one is beyond me with all of her dishonesty and sexting and flirting with other men. 
You had your chance to avoid this terror but you chained yourself to her for life. 
I do not understand you at all. 
You asked for it. 
Enjoy.


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Sjackson said:


> My wife and I have gone through a lot and now we are in therapy. But I am restricted in every way with anything sexual. I can not do anything until she says she’s ready. And it’s only what she says I can do. I can’t ask to try or suggest to do anything else. I’ve never felt so restricted, suppressed and unwanted.


You need to accept that the reason you are in therapy is because you hurt your wife and did not lead your household well. Rather than put a focus on sex, put a focus on self-improving and making your home and bedroom a wonderful and enjoyable place to be. When your wife is ready to open up, you'll be able to expand intimacy, but right now she needs some space so she can feel safe which is very important to women.

What is your action plan? What are you doing to become a better man/husband?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

waynejoey said:


> You need to accept that the reason you are in therapy is because you hurt your wife and did not lead your household well. Rather than put a focus on sex, put a focus on self-improving and making your home and bedroom a wonderful and enjoyable place to be. When your wife is ready to open up, you'll be able to expand intimacy, but right now she needs some space so she can feel safe which is very important to women.
> 
> What is your action plan? What are you doing to become a better man/husband?


Sorry you’re here brother.

I agree with this to a point, in that it is your responsibility to lead the dynamic of your relationship and to be constantly improving yourself.

Let’s not focus too much on what you should have done. You tolerated her behaving badly and now you’re dealing with the results. Doesn’t matter now, other than to recognize it and recognize that it was within your control just as what you do now is in your control. 

Right now you need a path forward. First, let’s be clear on a few things. 

Your wife is not attracted to you and she does not respect you. Her past behavior and current sexual restrictions show that very clearly. 
No woman who is it attracted to/aroused by and respects her husband puts these kind of sexual restrictions on him, period. 
The fact that she’s acting nicer lately does not change any of this. You need to pay attention to her actions, not her words. 
The only way this will ever change is if you leave and start over, or if she starts to respect you and becomes attracted to you.

You need to be focused on becoming the best possible version of yourself. 

Prioritize your life and figure out what’s important to you and what YOU want for yourself. Get to work on the basics: get to the gym, focus on work performance, tighten up your financial plan, carve out some time for interests or hobbies(not including video games), manage your appearance.
Don’t nag your wife for sex, don’t act butthurt when she turns you down, don’t be passive aggressive, don’t jump through her hoops and don’t let her control your choices/actions. Be polite, be pleasant, be positive, be fun.
Basically, be more attractive and be less unattractive.

Get out and make new friends, maybe as part of one of your new hobbies. All of these things will naturally have a positive impact on your confidence. This is key because women respect and are attracted to confidence and strength. 

Give it 6-12 months, one of two things will happen. 

She will either come around find her respect for you and her attraction to you and things will improve on the sex front as well as the relationship front.
Or she won’t and nothing will improve. But if that’s the case, you will be much stronger, more confident, more attractive in general and be in a much better position with your life. At that point you leave and find someone better because you will certainly be able to.
The go plan is the same as the stay plan, it will be up to her, assuming you still want her at that point. Either way you’ll have options.

Also, a couple tactical items I should’ve mentioned at the top: DNA test the baby, if it’s not yours GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Be reasonably useful and helpful around the house but do not think you can win her over by doing extra chores, it’s just weak. 

Good luck


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## PeteDavis (Feb 10, 2020)

Sjackson said:


> My wife and I have gone through a lot and now we are in therapy. But I am restricted in every way with anything sexual. I can not do anything until she says she’s ready. And it’s only what she says I can do. I can’t ask to try or suggest to do anything else. I’ve never felt so restricted, suppressed and unwanted.


Well IF I wanted to have sex with my wife I know she is very self conscious and vulnerable. She kind of wears the pants. Plus, God Bless her she is well over 300 pounds.


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## ms1jac (Aug 29, 2020)

Sjackson said:


> My wife and I have gone through a lot and now we are in therapy. But I am restricted in every way with anything sexual. I can not do anything until she says she’s ready. And it’s only what she says I can do. I can’t ask to try or suggest to do anything else. I’ve never felt so restricted, suppressed and unwanted.


I understand what you're going through. My wife always has to be ready... so naturally there is no spontaneity. It's like everything needs to be in place, the lighting has to be perfect, "get a towel" lets have a drink, wait til tonight, etc, etc, I can tell you first hand that this is a major buzz kill and has taken the joy out of having sex and now we only have sex about once a year. The way I see it, you only have two choices. 1. Talk with her and let her know how you feel and let her know that the pleasures of sex is for both parties and not just her. or 2. end up like me...broken, depressed, lonely, trapped.


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