# Gonna spiral



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

So, over the past few days, I've noticed my stbxw become more stand-offish, distant. First, she tolf me she wanted the children to herself on 1 of the weekend days (her scheduled day). No problem.

Then, a few days ago, I randomly ran into her and the children at the local grovery store (on her scheduled day). Her facial expressions could kill. The children were excited to see me, but she rushed them along. 

Yesterday, she did not attend our child's tee ball practice, like she usually would. Didn't email or text later to ask how it went.

Now today, I had to drop something off at the house, like I usually do after a night with me, and she wasn't there (her father was). 

So, I'm taking these instances to mean:

There's another man.

She is performing the 180.

She cannot stand the guilt/sadness with me around, so she is drastically cutting facetime between us.


I'm hurt. I am working things on my own timetable, when now, she may be ramping up no contact as a way of moving on, etc. I understand, nothing is there between us, and seeing her today, would not have raised my hopes, but I expected to see her.


How have you all dealt with spouse cutting contact with you? I might as well already plant the seed that she has another guy which limits her responses with me. If so, how can I get that into my head and accept it--faster rather than slower?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Jay

I can answer your first question .... i responded to him cutting me off by doing exactly what you said in your third response....I avoid him as much as i can. It hurts to see him. I don't know how reconciliation would ever happen with me doing this, but I'm getting slowly to the point where I just don't care any more. I've begun concentrating on me and mostly only me.

I'm sorry...I hope its not the first or at least she would have the respect to tell you.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I'm going to ask her to tell me if she is avoiding me on purpose for whatever reason. At least then I'll know, rather than wondering what it means when she refuses something, or doesn't show up for something.

Maybe she'll tell me the hard truth.

I hate this!


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

If she tells you the truth, what in your mind will that accomplish other than more hurt?

The best way to combat the 180 is to do it yourself. By not asking her, you are actually increasing you chances of her stopping it.

You ask her, she knows it is working.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Traggy said:


> If she tells you the truth, what in your mind will that accomplish other than more hurt?
> 
> The best way to combat the 180 is to do it yourself. By not asking her, you are actually increasing you chances of her stopping it.
> 
> You ask her, she knows it is working.


I thought I'd ask because it is all of a sudden. And, I'm spending time guessing about why she is so distant now. Why now? What happened?

I was slowly getting to a point where I was accepting that she wasn't coming back to me, yet, was ok being around her and the family, as friends.

I had this timetable in my mind and encountered a swerve.

However, why should I care what she is doing knowing that we will be divorced soon?


Just conflicting thoughts......


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's making the break. This was her plan. Just keep moving forward and detaching. Don't try to guess why. You'll probably never get the answers you want. That's her sole source of power: obfuscation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I can talk the big talk because it hasn't happened to me yet but I think you need to do the 180 and move on. Try not to let it effect the kids though the best you can.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, don't ask. 
Let go. 
Let go.
If she comes back you can be open to it but otherwise start healing yourself and working on you.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

So, by letting go, and following the 180, I am immediately to:

stop all initiated contact (calls, texts, emails, family time, visits)

act indifferent if/when I'm around, show no emotions either way

answer her in as little words as possible

avoid her presence if at all possible


It sounds like a spiteful reaction.

And, we are coming up on the mediation phase in early May where we come to agreements on the assets.

I assumed we could minimize costs and time by doing it ourselves; sitting down and hashing it out. However, by both ratcheting up our non-responses to one another, wouldn't it then escalate by getting lawyers involved to fight?? Because, after all, we aren't speaking to each other except in 1 syllable words.


Which is why I want/expect her to tell me that yes, she, for whatever reason, is further distancing herself from me in order to start healing. From which, I'd accept her response and deal with my pain away from her, by 180. This is my wife, who said she wanted to remain friends, divorce amicably. All I want is direct communication stating such.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

STBXH told me he wanted to be friends too- you know what that did it allowed him to continue to hurt ME. If you ask it just gives her the power to know that she still has a hold on you/your emotions. I have been able to do a 180 with stbxh and the actual divorce portion has been amicable and we have been able to discus-the divorce issues without any problems- I follow the kids/business only rule- and the divorce is business. Personally, and this is just me because i think 180 needs to be adapted to the individual situations, I will freely talk with stbxh for whatever length of time about the kid or business items, i dont cut it short or try to get him off the phone on those items. Now if he starts complaining about his life or asking about mine conversation is ended.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Jayb said:


> So, by letting go, and following the 180, I am immediately to:
> 
> stop all initiated contact (calls, texts, emails, family time, visits)
> 
> ...


I agree with you on that...sometimes it is necessary however for one to move on, but that is dependent on many things, not least of which are the two people involved and how you cope with stuff individually.

If you are personally up to it, you can do it somewhat softer. For example, to take your points:

1. On this one, I wouldn't contact her about anything other than to do with the children that you need her input on. Do not initiate chit chat or any of that. If she calls you, then its up to you...but I would say get out of the YOU always calling/texting/emailing her" mindset. Familytime...sounds like she doesn't want it, so I'd honor that. Make your own family time - you and your kids....not with her.

2. Act indifferent - yep, I do agree with this, but it doesn't have to be as damning as it sounds. You can still do it while being nice and polite.

3. I don't agree with answering in as little words as possible...seems a bit childish to me. But back to point 1...there actually isn't that much that requires answering - when you've got your kids, do what you like with them. Only call her if you are really stuck on something that you absolutely need her input on (can't find something critical, medical concerns etc), otherwise, act as you see fit.

4. Avoid her presence....no, I wouldn't go out of the way to avoid my stbx - why should you be skulking about worrying where she might be? That's no way to go....you've every right to go where you please. Should you bump into her....polite indifference is all that's required as per point 2. If she is annoyed to see you wherever you are (i.e. your grocery store example), well, that's her problem to deal with...not yours.

On your "DIY" breakup potential without spiraling...on that, I would leave a channel open to discuss with her. You can combine that with "Point 2, indifference" - just casually mention it - "Hey, by the way, we need to get together and start thrashing out how its going to go. When do you have some time for that?"


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

njdad said:


> I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?


As mentioned above...I am managing a version of it. One thing though....you DO have to detach, you DO have to quit - _romantically_. To not be able to do that is very bad for you. I still do care a lot about my stbx...but not romantically anymore - having a torrid fling with someone a lot younger than me really helped me out on that score!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

njdad said:


> I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?


I felt that way for a few months but he has show absolutely no sign of changing his mind or remorse for what he has done to our family. I have pulled a hard 180 and am done, ready to move on. 

That's not to say that if he started change (soon) I wouldn't consider it, but he would have to make major changes/efforts (I don't see it) and he'd have to do it before I got serious w/ someone else. The door isn't shut completely to anyone right now... I am open to all possibilities but I am ready to move on w/ my life.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

There's a difference between rude/spiteful and detached.

No one is saying to be mean to your ex. No one is saying to turn and walk the other way. Treat her the same way you would with any stranger; politely, but with distance...because, like it or not, she is now a stranger. The woman you knew has left the building.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I felt that way for a few months but he has show absolutely no sign of changing his mind or remorse for what he has done to our family. I have pulled a hard 180 and am done, ready to move on.
> 
> That's not to say that if he started change (soon) I wouldn't consider it, but he would have to make major changes/efforts (I don't see it) and he'd have to do it before I got serious w/ someone else. The door isn't shut completely to anyone right now... I am open to all possibilities but I am ready to move on w/ my life.


I wish I was at where you are now!! I admire your strength.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I'm guilty of overanalyzing it. Afterall, she may have legit reasons for her actions. Fine. Leave it at that.

I think I am letting go; I'm certainly more comfortable now than I was a month ago; isn't that progress? It's just that I am comfortable with where we are now, and a further, sudden change, is like a trigger for me.

Our interaction has decreased a lot. 

The hard part for me is that I am alone in rebuilding my life. I lost myself/my identity in the marriage and am now alone at a time when I need plenty of others and activities. At the same time, I'm coming out of a severe withdrawal/depression, apart from my marriage troubles, so that the combination of both, pulls at me.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Jayb said:


> The hard part for me is that I am alone in rebuilding my life. I lost myself/my identity in the marriage and am now alone at a time when I need plenty of others and activities.


I can sympathize with that...had to do a good bit of that myself. I will say though that once you do start getting out and about, renewing contact with old friends, making new - you'll be surprised at the amount of support you'll received (at least I was). It is this more than anything that has helped me along so much.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

njdad said:


> I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?


I feel the same way NJ dad. I know now I had a bit of codependency with him that I am working on for myself and any future relationship. I understand some of the 180 for certain reasons but I'm not a mean or bitter person. I think the times I stuck to it, it only made things worse.

Part of me doesn't want to detach from him but i also know that if i don't it will just cause me to not live any life at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I feel the same way NJ dad. I know now I had a bit of codependency with him that I am working on for myself and any future relationship. I understand some of the 180 for certain reasons but I'm not a mean or bitter person. I think the times I stuck to it, it only made things worse.
> 
> Part of me doesn't want to detach from him but i also know that if i don't it will just cause me to not live any life at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's where my mind is at. A complete 180 seems abrupt/cold. Yes, I realize I must detach because my stbx has already, and chooses not to love me. So, I either cling and flame out, or, I detach and heal and recover. Somehow. Someway.

I'm taking the principles and applying some of them to my situation, based on our personalities. Maybe that makes me weak. Or makes the 180 less effective. Or takes longer.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> That's where my mind is at. A complete 180 seems abrupt/cold. Yes, I realize I must detach because my stbx has already, and chooses not to love me. So, I either cling and flame out, or, I detach and heal and recover. Somehow. Someway.
> 
> I'm taking the principles and applying some of them to my situation, based on our personalities. Maybe that makes me weak. Or makes the 180 less effective. Or takes longer.


Isn't you filing right away a bit of a 180 and all it did was backfire. It hurt her and she seemed to give up. 

This is a difficult situation to be in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Isn't you filing right away a bit of a 180 and all it did was backfire. It hurt her and she seemed to give up.
> 
> This is a difficult situation to be in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You know, you're right. I took some initiative there. She did say that the way I filed (no warning/discussion) was the ultimate last straw. However, that could be just an excuse.

I often wonder had I not filed, where we'd be today? I feared then that just as I though things would settle, she'd file. I heard from someone that she wants a divorce and it didn't matter who filed.

Lots of 20-20 hindsight.:scratchhead:


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I am actually there now... I don't care who files, it doesn't matter really I just want to move on w/ my life. 

Jay, I hope you can start feeling better. I bought a book and am working my way through it. It's called something like Rebuilding after divorce. It's making me think about what I want.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my ex has done a total u-turn over the past few weeks, going from saying it was all his fault and that I was blameless to it now being all my fault...

he's not followed through on one single thing he said when he walked out and you know what? it's brought home to me just what a lie our relationship was for so long

we are both detaching massively - all the 'we'll always be friends' stuff was just what was said at the time because it seemed like the right thing to say. I know that once he's picked up the rest of his stuff we'll never see each other again. 

I know it's difficult but you have to look after yourself now, she's not going to do it....


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I am actually there now... I don't care who files, it doesn't matter really I just want to move on w/ my life.
> 
> Jay, I hope you can start feeling better. I bought a book and am working my way through it. It's called something like Rebuilding after divorce. It's making me think about what I want.


I'm reading that too. Someone recommended it to me on this board. Its helpful.

I seem to go in stages. One minute I don't care then I feel paniced and sad. It just erks me how easily he seems to be able to walk away. 

I guess I'm closer to the end than the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> I wish I was at where you are now!! I admire your strength.


Jenny I have been going through this since T'giving maybe even 14 months before that (when I started to feel him pull away). It certainly wasn't over night. He has done some crappy things which helps the detachment. You will get there if you have to.


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