# Should I be annoyed that he is tight?!



## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me. 
Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking. 

The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go. 
Not only this, he’ll ask me to pay him back for small things, such as a McDonalds, or £2 parking. 

I understand that the reason he has money is probably because he’s quite tight, but I feel like the chivalrous generosity is lacking. He calls me his princess, but I don’t feel like one. 

In all other areas, we have a very healthy relationship and can talk any problem
through. But money is such an awkward topic, and I don’t want to appear bratty. How do I bring up that I’d like to be treated a little more like a lady in this instance?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you two live together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, @ellafoster88 If he earns more than you then I would expect him to pay the lion's share when you go out. Same would apply in reverse if you were the one with the bigger income.

Are you a feminist? Some women are, some aren't. 

How are you together as a couple otherwise?


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Do you two live together?


not not yet


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you considering marriage?


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Hi, @ellafoster88 If he earns more than you then I would expect him to pay the lion's share when you go out. Same would apply in reverse if you were the one with the bigger income.
> 
> Are you a feminist? Some women are, some aren't.
> 
> How are you together as a couple otherwise?


yes, I am a feminist in the sense that women should get equal opportunities. the profession i am training for will also mean i will probably make more than him in the future. I do however believe in chivalry, and feel a little hard done by in that he doesn’t act like a gentleman unless there is a specific occasion !


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Are you considering marriage?


possibly - however this is a deal breaker for me. I want to talk to him about it but it’s such an awkward topic. any advice on how to bring it up would be much appreciated


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ellafoster88 said:


> My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me.
> Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking.
> 
> The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go.
> ...


Does he not like to spend money or does he have plans for that money?
It's possible that he plans on early retirement and would prefer to put his money to work while he is still young.


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> Does he not like to spend money or does he have plans for that money?
> It's possible that he plans on early retirement and would prefer to put his money to work while he is still young.


he wants to be rich (as do we all!) but that manifests itself in just not wanting to spend money


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ellafoster88 said:


> he wants to be rich (as do we all!) but that manifests itself in just not wanting to spend money


What does he do with the money?
If he's investing it, he is spending it in a controlled fashion with the expectation of a specific outcome.
Or are his paycheques just piling up on his desk in his room and not doing anything with them?
Is he receiving dividends that he is then spending or does he reinvest the dividends?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are two types of chaps, @ellafoster88. Those who are careful with their money and those who are so tight with their money that they can peel an orange in their pocket.

Which one is your boyfriend?


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> There are two types of chaps, @ellafoster88. Those who are careful with their money and those who are so tight with their money that they can peel an orange in their pocket.
> 
> Which one is your boyfriend?


I fear my boyfriend is the latter. He shops exclusively in Lidl and his clothes are years old as he never buys new ones. I think he simply hates spending money


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ellafoster88 said:


> I fear my boyfriend is the latter. He shops exclusively in Lidl and his clothes are years old as he never buys new ones. I think he simply hates spending money


What is his background?
It sounds like that he's from a background of deprivation and he's ensuring that he never has to worry about money ever again?
That's pretty typical of somebody who was very poor but became successful later in life.

I will say that I think you are right, if he is not using his investment income to live off of. 
After 5 or 6 years of working, he should have enough investment income that he can start to live a life.
It's unhealthy to be so unwilling to spend money for anything.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s a miser and these guys never change. Everything has to be a bargain and in this case that includes you. You’ve gone along with his skinflint attitude so in her eyes you are a perfect match. 
You need to start pulling back from him and if he asks why then tell him the truth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Does he not like to spend money or does he have plans for that money?
> It's possible that he plans on early retirement and would prefer to put his money to work while he is still young.


Maybe he is saving for a deposit on a house?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ellafoster88 said:


> I fear my boyfriend is the latter. He shops exclusively in Lidl and his clothes are years old as he never buys new ones. I think he simply hates spending money


Nothing wrong with shopping in lidl!!!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he is saving for a deposit on a house?


Absolutely possible.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Nothing wrong with shopping in lidl!!!


I knew a well dressed man who bought his clothes at the Good Will or Value Village.
I don't think Lidl is the problem, but that he isn't living while earning an income that is the issue.
If he was systematically taking his investment dividends and living on that, while taking his occupation income and investing that, that wouldn't be an issue with me.
However, he's not willing to live a life. 
At least, that's how I interpret what the OP is saying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ellafoster88 said:


> not not yet


Ok, since you don't live together, here's my take on it. And it's how I did it when I was dating. The person who asks out pays the bill. If he asks you out to dinner, he pays. If you ask him, you pay. This way each of you can control what you spend. 

For example, let's say you each pay on a date. So you go to an expensive restaurant that he chooses. He gets an expensive dish, with salad, desert, a couple of drinks. All you can afford is a salad because you are paying for yourself.

Instead, let's say he asks you out to eat at an expensive restaurant. Then he pays for both of you. He's the host and you are his guests. Now you can ask him out and go to a place you can afford to pay for both of you. Or, you could choose to ask him over to your place and you cook a nice dinner for the two of you.

If and when the two of you move in together, you will need to work this out before you do. In my opinion the best way to handle it is that the two of you split the bills at a percentage of your joint income. If he earns twice as much as you, then you pay 33% of the bills and he pays 67%

Then when you get married, it will change some again and you two need to work it out BEFORE you marry. In my opinion, the best way to handle it is that you both put your income into a joint account. I'm posting a link to a book that I think is great to explain how to handle finances. Basically, it says to put all of your income (both of yours) into one bank account. Then every payday, about 10% of your/his income is deposited into a savings account, then you pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. Then the two of you split equally whatever's left over so you two can spend on whatever you want. That way you both have some spending money that you don't have to justify to the other. The book goes into detail. This other has several similar books 

Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner: Bach, David 

I find him asking you to pay him back for something like a McDonalds or £2 parking. That just sounds stingy and here's the problem that I see. What happens if you have a baby and have to stay home for a while? Or you get sick and his is the only income? Is he going to hold that over your head and be super controlling with money?

You say that you will be earning more than him when you are finished with your education. This might be something to explain to him. There will be times in your lives when one of you earns more than the other. You two should think about running your married lives such that there's not squabbles about how to handle finances every time income and/or circumstances change. How would he like it if, once you are earning more than he and you treat him as stingy as he's treating you?

You really need to starting thinking of this and find a way to talk to him about financial planning. A lot of couples don't have that discussion before moving in together and/or before marriage and it leads to problems.

Here's a couple more of Bach's get rich books....
Smart Women Finish Rich, Expanded and Updated: Bach, David 
The Automatic Millionaire, Expanded and Updated: A Powerful One-Step Plan to Live and Finish Rich


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

This is an interesting one. Personally, I don't feel what he's doing is wrong at this stage in your relationship. But it's wrong to you and is not aligned with your values. 

I'm interested in whether you would be happy to pay more if the financial situation was reversed because you mentioned you like chivalry in a relationship. How would this manifest itself in the reverse situation? Would you still expect him to pay?

You said your Mum said her favourite trait about your Dad is his generosity. Generosity can take many forms; time, acts of service etc. Is your bf generous with you in other ways? You say your relationship is very good in all other regards, it can be easy to focus on the negative and not take time to focus on what's really good.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

My daughter is in a similar situation..she is almost 20. When my husband & I dated (yes 24 years ago) he paid for everything. If he had $20 left over, we went to a movie or McDonald's...we are together still. I do believe that one steps up when the other falls, but I am also of the belief that a "man" should pay if he is able & makes more money. Unfortunately since meeting this kid my daughter has made poor financial decisions. He asked her to go to a restaurant of his choice (she never picks!!) which happened to be a very expensive restaurant in a very expensive area...she paid for her own meal on Valentine's Day...they split a dessert..to which he asked for half because it was on his bill...as her mom I am not impressed. I told my daughter to dump him, which she obviously hasn't done. 🙄


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

In a modern world being treated like a lady does not mean a man is supposed to pay your way. After 3 years you need to know this is how your guy is. Marriage or you asking won't magically make him generous. He will always be a penny pincher. Since you consider this a deal breaker, it's time to ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this. Asking hm to spend more money on you even simply because you want a split more in line with your relative earnings comes across as entitled. You still have time to change professions to something with a higher earning potential so you can afford the lifestyle you want. Don't expect him to start shopping elsewhere, buy the latest fashions or even shower your future kids with stuff.

Money & finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. When you are not on the same page about money, it causes problems.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

ellafoster88 said:


> I fear my boyfriend is the latter. He shops exclusively in Lidl and his clothes are years old as he never buys new ones. I think he simply hates spending money


This isn't going to change. In fact, it will probably get worse. My oldest son got involved in financial planning and developed extreme money issues, trying to save every dime in order to become rich. In short, he became a tightwad. To the point where his wife has had to beg him to put enough money into the budget so she can buy the groceries they need. And worse, he is passing this behavior onto his children.

The purpose of dating, other than having a good time, is to determine whether or not the two of you are compatible for marriage. Considering that his behavior bothers you now and that it will get worse over time, you may need to consider moving on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He is treating you like a friend - not like a boyfriend. People who are this economical with money can be quite economical in other areas of their lives too. I would look for a more generous hearted guy.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If I was a young lady I’d expect the man to pay unless I explicitly asked to pay. If the guy didn’t come that way I think changing him will be tough.

Money is one thing it’s very important to be on the same page about.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Dating is to see who you’re compatible with and if this is a dealbreaker for you, better to know now than if you marry him.

It sounds like you’re not so much concerned with how he spends his money as much as how you view his lack of spending on you as a sign of his lack of “chivalry.” I think that’s a tough thought to shake because it’s making you feel some sort of way that causes you to see him differently.

But, ideas about money can cause difficulties in marriages. My parents are wealthy, my husband’s parents do okay. My dad wanted (still does) to put money in our account to show he loves us. (Guilt money but that’s a long story) My husband asked me to tell him that we don’t need his help. My husband sees it as an implication that he isn’t successful enough. I get it, but I was more neutral about it. This caused a little tension and I had to stand by my husband’s feelings on it. That sounds like a minor thing but how we view money can sometimes make or break a relationship/marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Some preview situations:

You’re living together but no joint bank account. Now what? Splitting the grocery bill in spreadsheets? Tracking who ate more cereal?

Do you expect to have a joint account? When I got married my wife changed her name, we opened a joint account and then closed our personal accounts. For me the “what’s mine is yours” works best. FWIW I’m team “guy pays”.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

My husband was very frugal when we met but he had never enjoyed the finer things in life. It just wasn't something his family did -- no vacations, out to eat was cheap chains, etc. I always made good money & I lived well but frugally -- traveling during shoulder seasons, buying high end clothes at discounters on sale at the end of the season, using groupon & loyalty points. he learned to like it. He eventually got a great job. I pushed things along with smart investments. Now I'm the more frugal of the two of us because I won't usually do something if it's not a deal but he did change a little. 

Difference was, when he was being tight it was because he genuinely had no money (but he still had more than most of his family). He feared being taken advantage of. 

I teased him a bit & would "demand" silly things. We were in a mall & I saw a pair of flip flops on sale for literally $2. I started jokingly acting like a petulant child until he bought me the flip flops. 16 years later I refuse to throw them out because they were the 1st pair of shoes he ever bought me. At his sister's wedding we were walking through Pike's market in Seattle with his father & step mother & some other family members when I realized big beautiful bouquets of colorful flowers were $5. I started whining that if he loved me he'd buy me flowers because our anniversary was coming up. Where we live, flowers like that would have been $50 - $60. Many of his family were aghast about my entitled behavior including his father who quietly pulled me aside to gentle chastise me for my behavior. I laughed & quietly told him to look at the price of the flowers. At which point he cracked up, playfully smacked his son upside the head & told him to buy my the flowers. Then he bought a bigger bouquet for a whooping $10 for my step MIL. 

My point is that is all depends. But I stand by my initial advice that being on the same page about money is important to sustain a marriage. Are you sure you want to go down that path with a stingy guy who will most likely be stingy in other areas?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You mentioned you are a feminist and also believe in chivalry.

these two things do not mesh well together. I know from personal experience.


before I get hung out to dry, I will say he is being exceptionally tight with his money well beyond what I would consider normal - however, you said you all were in your 20s. I can’t imagine growing up right now during this time period. Feminist values are beaten into our heads from an early age now to the point that being chivalrous is considered sexist. Even if you don’t believe me, just humor me a bit here.

what does your BF think? Are you sure that you are only a feminist from the standpoint of equal opportunity, or is there more to it? Does your BF think that being chivalrous would cause you to think he is sexist? Have you spoken to him about this? I think these are fair questions to hash out with him if you all have spoken about it yet.

At the same token, he could just be super tight with money and it has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. I still think it is a good idea to talk about these things now before the issues compound many years down the line.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> My husband was very frugal when we met but he had never enjoyed the finer things in life. It just wasn't something his family did -- no vacations, out to eat was cheap chains, etc. I always made good money & I lived well but frugally -- traveling during shoulder seasons, buying high end clothes at discounters on sale at the end of the season, using groupon & loyalty points. he learned to like it. He eventually got a great job. I pushed things along with smart investments. Now I'm the more frugal of the two of us because I won't usually do something if it's not a deal but he did change a little.
> 
> Difference was, when he was being tight it was because he genuinely had no money (but he still had more than most of his family). He feared being taken advantage of.
> 
> ...


Whining and acting petulant - do you use baby talk to get your way, too?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> There are two types of chaps, @ellafoster88. Those who are careful with their money and *those who are so tight with their money that they can peel an orange in their pocket.*
> 
> Which one is your boyfriend?


Are these those Scotsmen?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I had a father in law like that.

When paying a bill, he would rub those bills between his fingers, over and over, so as not to find two stuck together and end up being cheated.
He had one of those vinyl, vagina type, squeeze, coin purses and he always knew to a penny how much was in it.

He kept a small notebook and recorded all purchases and debts.
If you owned him a nickel, he would make sure he got it back.

Uh, yeah!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why should a guy in his early twenties, who is a student but took a year off to work to earn some money, always pay the way of a female, also early twenties, also a student, who decided not to take a year off to work?

Just because she's female she shouldn't pay for her meals for years?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why should a guy in his early twenties, who is a student but took a year off to work to earn some money, always pay the way of a female, also early twenties, also a student, who decided not to take a year off to work?
> 
> Just because she's female she shouldn't pay for her meals for years?


True love knows no limits.

He loves his money more than her.

It was mentioned that she is money strapped, he is not.

Buying your _Dear One,_ her supper, is well worth the reward received at the end of the night.

That intimacy is priceless.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> True love knows no limits.
> 
> He loves his money more than her.
> 
> ...


Not at that age. He took a year off of school specifically to work. She decided not to. 

I have 2 college aged sons. If one paused his college to work to earn some money and his college aged girlfriend decided not to do the same, and expected him to pay her way, yuuuuck.

I get that the world thinks men should continually pay the way of women 🤪, but I think _that shouldn't apply to young student aged people_.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Why should a guy in his early twenties, who is a student but took a year off to work to earn some money, always pay the way of a female, also early twenties, also a student, who decided not to take a year off to work?
> 
> Just because she's female she shouldn't pay for her meals for years?


She pays when she can. This dynamic usually works itself out by the less endowed partner picking up the slack in other ways i.e. cooking a meal or baking a favorite dessert so the better endowed partner doesn't feel taken advantage of. If both of these partners are being cheap with one another, they have no business being together. 

OP, test the waters and the next time he asks you to do sometthing and you can't afford it simply tell him so and that you'll be staying in and washing your hair. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how highly he values you. After 3 years, he really should be over the need to make sure you aren't a gold-digger. And, if buying you a McD's burger is going to break his bank then you seriously need a guy with more bank.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ellafoster88 said:


> My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me.
> Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking.
> 
> The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go.
> ...


Is he paying his own way through college?

Sounds like he really needed the money, to take a year off of schooling to just work!!!!!

The fact that he's doing that, pausing his studies, and you still expect him to pay your way generally (not just the special occasions he already does) makes me wonder.. why?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> True love knows no limits.
> 
> He loves his money more than her.
> 
> ...


She's money strapped because she isn't taking a year off to work and pausing her schooling, he is. He must really need the money. 

If she doesn't want to be cash strapped maybe she should also take a year off to work.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> She's money strapped because she isn't taking a year off to work and pausing her schooling, he is. He must really need the money.
> 
> If she doesn't want to be cash strapped maybe she should also take a year off to work.


I think you hit the nail on the head. He's sacrificing everything he can in order to go to school and minimize his loans.
He's not being a tightwad, if that's the case. Not everybody has $300,000 sitting in the bank.
When I first read the OP, my understanding was that he was working and done with school.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> She pays when she can. This dynamic usually works itself out by the less endowed partner picking up the slack in other ways i.e. cooking a meal or baking a favorite dessert so the better endowed partner doesn't feel taken advantage of. If both of these partners are being cheap with one another, they have no business being together.
> 
> OP, test the waters and the next time he asks you to do sometthing and you can't afford it simply tell him so and that you'll be staying in and washing your hair. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how highly he values you. After 3 years, he really should be over the need to make sure you aren't a gold-digger. And, if buying you a McD's burger is going to break his bank then you seriously need a guy with more bank.


Hey that's good.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Are these those Scotsmen?


Hey! This is discrimination towards a very generous race of people. 
It’s a vicious rumour that copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny. 
And Edinburgh doesn’t have the most crowded taxis in the world either.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Cheap is when you have tens of thousands sitting in the bank, a maxed out 401k, $0 debt and all the kids college funds on track and still refuse to open your wallet. Otherwise you are just smart.

I use to be big on chivalry on dates. Not really anymore, if women want everything equal, pay your own damn way!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Cheap is when you have tens of thousands sitting in the bank, a maxed out 401k, $0 debt and all the kids college funds on track and still refuse to open your wallet. Otherwise you are just smart.
> 
> I use to be big on chivalry on dates. Not really anymore, if women want everything equal, pay your own damn way!


No!

Just find and indulge a woman who is worth her sultry kisses.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How many times a week are you eating out or doing stuff that he’s tracking every penny of?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

All I know is I wouldn't stay with someone who limited what we do based on my own practically nonexistent income when he could be nice and treat you once in awhile. To me, don't be with someone who is so tight it keeps them from wanting to go do things. My friend is in a relationship like that now, and additionally, he is always trying to get her to sell her house so "they" have plenty of money. So it does lead to worse offenses. He uses her car, etc, because he hasn't bought a car in 40 years. 

Do you ever cook for him or bake cookies for him or anything like that that would be the equivalent of reciprocating for him if he paid for a date? Maybe you don't. I always did at least some, especially if the guy was generous and picking up meal tabs or drink tabs. Definitely don't do it with this guy because he's no good, though. 

I never made as much as a couple of bfs, and if they asked me out to eat, I would say, I can't afford it, because I couldn't. I didn't say, Let's skip eating and stay home and have sex. My reality was I couldn't afford at one time to spend any money eating out. But I would cook their breakfast or make some cookies or whatever. Then when I did start making more money, if they paid for dinner, I'd do the tip or I'd take turns paying for drinks or I'd offer a drink when they picked me up. 

Being tight with money like he is will only lead to worse problems, so please don't move in with him or marry him. You'll live like a pauper your entire life. My experience (I'm 69) and observation is these guys never get rich and that's not their goal. They don't spend so they don't have to work as hard. That's certainly the deal with my friend's guy -- and they're now in their 60s. She's known him for 40 years and he's always been like that. He never buys her anything for birthday or Christmas. Instead he "makes" something, over and over again. It always involves paper and drawing. She must have a pile of paper by now she's obliged to hang onto. He also doesn't ever take his cats to the vet or spend any money on them. He has the capability of earning a good living but chooses to never leave his home and just take what comes his way. He's a tightwad.

Being tight is a choice. Another friend of mine had an unambitious first husband who aspired to be nothing more than a $7 an hour fry cook, wouldn't buy a car, wouldn't help her pay insurance on HER car that she drove him to work with, also was miserly about doing housework, and she divorced him when she realized she'd want a kid someday and he wasn't even meeting her halfway on providing. 

So my advice is this. Remember that dating isn't a commitment. Dating is to find out these things about a person and throw them back if they don't meet standards you SHOULD make for yourself and stick to. You'll never be happy with that type because you grew up with a dad who was a better man than this one is. 

And then once you find a guy who is generous within his means and not miserly, you meet him halfway by paying him back with baked goods and homecooked meals and then eventually contributing more money if you're still together once you start making more money. 

You'll get people on here who think it's only fair you take your no money and spend it on dates with him, but I say don't date him anymore or let him hang out at your place having sex and making sandwiches. I say throw him back for a better catch. He's making you spend money you don't have. You'd be better off financially without him. You'll end up taking care of him like you're his mother.

Look, it's not just about when dating either. If I have a friend who doesn't make much money or isn't working because she's raising her kids and we go to lunch, I'm going to pick up the tab. It's common decency. There is nothing wrong with having standards and waiting until someone lives up to them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> All I know is I wouldn't stay with someone who limited what we do based on my own practically nonexistent income when he could be nice and treat you once in awhile. To me, don't be with someone who is so tight it keeps them from wanting to go do things. My friend is in a relationship like that now, and additionally, he is always trying to get her to sell her house so "they" have plenty of money. So it does lead to worse offenses. He uses her car, etc, because he hasn't bought a car in 40 years.
> 
> Do you ever cook for him or bake cookies for him or anything like that that would be the equivalent of reciprocating for him if he paid for a date? Maybe you don't. I always did at least some, especially if the guy was generous and picking up meal tabs or drink tabs. Definitely don't do it with this guy because he's no good, though.
> 
> ...


I don't believe college aged guys should be held to this standard.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, it's not just about when dating either. If I have a friend who doesn't make much money or isn't working because she's raising her kids and we go to lunch, I'm going to pick up the tab. It's common decency.


This. My retired buddy if we invite him out we normally pick up the tab.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I don't believe college aged guys should be held to this standard.


When I was in college I always paid when I took a young lady out. If I didn’t want to spend a lot then it would be coffee only or my go to spot was a pizza by the slice place that was dirt cheap. Happy hour at the pub was also quite reasonable.

We’re talking about a guy who won’t shell out for McDonald’s.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I don't believe college aged guys should be held to this standard.


My divorced friend didn't either, and that's how she got stuck with her tight slacker of a first husband.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't believe college aged guys should be held to this standard.


When I was 16 and working at McDonalds I had next to no money, but I wanted to spend whatever I had on the woman I loved. As @ccpowerslave said, you just adjust what you are buying. Even a broke college student can afford to buy a slice of pizza. It is the thought that counts as much as the actual money spent.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My divorced friend didn't either, and that's how she got stuck with her tight slacker of a first husband.


That's not a good predictor of anything. Lots of college kids work minimum wage jobs and can't afford to spend too much on women and college and housing. Being tight because of circumstances is not being tight, it's being practical.

People that are tight are ones that have plenty of money and still won't open their wallet to upgrade their 15 yr old microwave that doesn't work anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> That's not a good predictor of anything. Lots of college kids work minimum wage jobs and can't afford to spend too much on women and college and housing. Being tight because of circumstances is not being tight, it's being practical.
> 
> The only way people that are tight are ones that have plenty of money and still won't open their wallet to upgrade their 15 yr old microwave that doesn't work anymore.


Then he shouldn't be asking women out and then telling them they have to pay for it!!!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Whining and acting petulant - do you use baby talk to get your way, too?


Only with respect to trivial matters like $5 flowers 

Humor has a place in every relationship.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Then he shouldn't be asking women out and then telling them they have to pay for it!!!


Agreed. He should pay his half.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> That's not a good predictor of anything. Lots of college kids work minimum wage jobs and can't afford to spend too much on women and college and housing. Being tight because of circumstances is not being tight, it's being practical.
> 
> The only way people that are tight are ones that have plenty of money and still won't open their wallet to upgrade their 15 yr old microwave that doesn't work anymore.


Except this isn't quite the same situation.

This is people dating for 3 years and he has a job. Yet he makes no move toward working as a team.

OP it doesn't sound like he's very serious about you. After 3 years you two should be able to talk about this.

Also do you want to be in a marriage with separate finances? Are you looking to get married.
It's time you consider this for long term if that's what you are interested in. being tight can be good in that you shouldn't be chasing zero's every month. Even when I was flat broke I never lived paycheck to paycheck. So that's good.

However money is a big subject and leads to a lot of divorce. You need to find out if you are compatible. Since he has a job and you've been dating a long time it would seem normal for him to pay occasionally or something. 

What's important is more that you both are happy with the arrangement.

I think a good rule of thumb is after 2 years if you don't want to marry the person your dating then it means you really don't want them (on both sides). So you are at 3 years. It maybe time to try on the next boyfriend if you two are able to get on the same page.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just remember that how it starts out is how it will continue. He's not suddenly going to become magnanimous down the line. He'll be telling you to let the baby go naked rather than buy diapers.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except this isn't quite the same situation.
> 
> This is people dating for 3 years and he has a job. Yet he makes no move toward working as a team.
> 
> ...


Well, OP's bf just sounds cheap. I mean asking to get paid back for McDonalds, get over it. But then again I don't know his situation. There's no guarantees she will stick around for all his sunk cost. If he can't afford to pay for both of you, then Netflix and chill.

Mainly, Im just talking in generalities.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well, OP's bf just sounds cheap. I mean asking to get paid back for McDonalds, get over it. But then again I don't know his situation. There's no guarantees she will stick around for all his sunk cost. If he can't afford to pay for both of you, then Netflix and chill.
> 
> Mainly, Im just talking in generalities.


If he can't afford to date, he shouldn't date, then. It's not like he'll just change someday once he knows he doesn't need to.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

These are college kids, folks. 

And the guy had to take a year off and suspend his college classes to work because he needs money.

If a female college student thinks she needs to be perpetually paid for and disagrees with paying her way, under this situation, then I see her as not being a team player and as an entitled person.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he can't afford to date, he shouldn't date, then. It's not like he'll just change someday once he knows he doesn't need to.


Did you hear this, college guys?

You must either always pay for dates, or else you don’t get to date or have a relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Did you hear this, college guys?


What right has he got to ask her out and then ask for her money? If he can't afford the date, don't take her to McDonald's. See if she will just go for a walk in the park, but even then, he'd be asking her for gas money because he is literally nickle and diming her.

And at some point, she'll make a better choice. I'm telling you, what she accepts now, she'll be stuck with. If someone in college had asked me for money when the check came, they'd have gotten the 32 cents in my jeans pocket because that's all there was.

Seems to me all he's doing is getting food for himself because he had to eat somewhere anyway and just asking her to come along and eat too, but she can't afford that. So she should stop going.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he can't afford to date, he shouldn't date, then. It's not like he'll just change someday once he knows he doesn't need to.


Not true. Everyone should change their spending habits related to their financial circumstances. If he doesn't have the financial abilities to pay for both of them then he shouldn't have to. It's not like they are married. Should he not date because he can't afford to pay her way to? I don't think so. We must respect equal rights.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

it isn't about the 1st date. They've been dating 3 years. At that point you are either moving toward a future together or you aren't. So OP has to decide is this what she wants it to look like? What will happen when they have kids? Will she be expected to both be a mother and pay 1/2 of everything? Or will he consider the hospital bill hers and make her pay for having the child?

Separate finances are fine if both want that. But it seems like he wants to be so separate that it's just a friends with benefits situation. though I'm not sure what benefit she is receiving.

@ellafoster88 you want to let us in on your thinking/plan? 

Is the rest of the package so great you want to live separate financial lives forever? 

BTW if he took a year off to save up so he could afford college I wouldn't expect him to be springing for everything but he does seem really cheap. Which is ok if you are ok with it. But it seems like you aren't


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Not true. Everyone should change their spending habits related to their financial circumstances. If he doesn't have the financial abilities to pay for both of them then he shouldn't have to. It's not like they are married. Should he not date because he can't afford to pay her way to? I don't think so. We must respect equal rights.


She needs to stop going with him because she can't afford it. He's just taking her when he needs a burger anyway and wants company. Thing is she now knows this is what he's doing, so it's up to her to just find a better match. She can't afford to pay to eat out. So he shouldn't be expecting her to, and he knows this. And doesn't care. And he's never going to change. He's a tightwad.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She needs to stop going with him because she can't afford it. He's just taking her when he needs a burger anyway and wants company. Thing is she now knows this is what he's doing, so it's up to her to just find a better match. She can't afford to pay to eat out. So he shouldn't be expecting her to, and he knows this. And doesn't care. And he's never going to change. He's a tightwad.


So it sounds like she can't afford to date.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's more of a liability than anything else. You can do better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> So it sounds like she can't afford to date.


She can't afford to date a tightwad. She can't afford to go eat a McDonald's with him just because he needs something for lunch he'd buy anyway and then sit there and not have anything because she can't afford it, which is the position he's put her in. Only a jerk would put anyone in that position.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She can't afford to date a tightwad. She can't afford to go eat a McDonald's with him just because he needs something for lunch he'd buy anyway and then sit there and not have anything because she can't afford it, which is the position he's put her in. Only a jerk would put anyone in that position.


Where did you gather that information. She said if she doesn't have the money, they won't go out. But he's a tightwad because he can't afford both of them?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Where did you gather that information. She said if she doesn't have the money, they won't go out. But he's a tightwad because he can't afford both of them?


Did you not read her first few posts? He's a tightwad. She knows it already. That's where I gathered that information.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

On my very first date when I was fourteen I was bringing my date to the movies. My dad asked me had I enough money to pay for both of us and I said I had. 
He told me that a girl has to buy lots of things that a boy doesn’t so I should always pay on dates. He also said that if a boy gets a reputation for being mean he wouldn’t get many dates. 
I always tried to paid for everything when I was dating and believe me I had lots of dates lol.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did you not read her first few posts? He's a tightwad. She knows it already. That's where I gathered that information.


I did, but you are just making stuff up to fit your false narrative. I have no idea why. But I have nothing to add. Continue on arguing with yourself.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> On my very first date when I was fourteen I was bringing my date to the movies. My dad asked me had I enough money to pay for both of us and I said I had.
> He told me that a girl has to buy lots of things that a boy doesn’t so I should always pay on dates. He also said that if a boy gets a reputation for being mean he wouldn’t get many dates.
> I always tried to paid for everything when I was dating and believe me I had lots of dates lol.


I'm all for that, but feminism has taught me different. And what does a girl have to pay for that a boy doesn't? tampons? haha


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Be sure you're on birth control so you don't get stuck with this guy and end up a single mother with a guy who certainly won't want to pay child support.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What right has he got to ask her out and then ask for her money? If he can't afford the date, don't take her to McDonald's. See if she will just go for a walk in the park, but even then, he'd be asking her for gas money because he is literally nickle and diming her.
> 
> And at some point, she'll make a better choice. I'm telling you, what she accepts now, she'll be stuck with. If someone in college had asked me for money when the check came, they'd have gotten the 32 cents in my jeans pocket because that's all there was.
> 
> Seems to me all he's doing is getting food for himself because he had to eat somewhere anyway and just asking her to come along and eat too, but she can't afford that. So she should stop going.


He has every right to not pay for someone else. What right, really??

Disagree with everything you wrote.

Many college long term daters each pay their own way if they go out to eat because money isn't in great supply. Heck when I was in college at the end of the semesters everyone was eating mac and cheese and Ramen noodles because no one had any money.

For a female to expect a guy who had to take a year off classes to work, to pay her way just because she has a vagina seems over the top.

These aren't people settled into their careers and lives. These are students.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Where did you gather that information. She said if she doesn't have the money, they won't go out. But he's a tightwad because he can't afford both of them?


It is pretty clear that he counts every nickel and dime, or what ever they use in GB, lol. Down to even asking her to split paying for parking. That shows that generosity is not part of his DNA if he has to ask his GF of 3 years to split £2 for parking. I know the type. My wife's brother is like this, always has been. It started when he didn't have much money and continues to this day even though money is zero concern for him. He will always split a bill at dinner before the tip, because he think 10% is enough and doesn't want to split the 20% I usually give. Stuff along those lines. I understand being frugal, but take too far I feel it is a major character flaw.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Disagree.
> 
> Many college long term daters each pay their own way if they go out to eat because money isn't in great supply. Heck when I was in college at the end of the semesters everyone was eating mac and cheese and Ramen noodles because no one had any money.
> 
> ...


My son and his GF are both in college and they do split things most of the time. But one will often say pay for ice cream while out on a walk. In reality she pays for that small stuff a lot, because she does work and he doesn't due to playing baseball, which is almost a full time job. They don't ever feel the need to say you owe me $2.62 for that cone of vanilla. Or expect to split the parking fee when one drives somewhere. This guy seems to be taking it to that level. There should be some generosity between them, even if one or both have very little money.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

ellafoster88 said:


> My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me.
> Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking.
> 
> The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go.
> ...


Well... I will talk about your situation directly since folks seem to be tiptoeing around the obvious.

Traditional dating roles (man pays) don't mix with modern-day feminist equity... full stop. Now, your BF may indeed succumb to 'your' line of thinking after you speak with him about it... which you should. BUT... there is no way on God's green earth that I would be footing the bill for any chick these days. And I say that as a man who dated chicks in the 2010's as a 30-year-old... AKA- not the 1950's.

I see not a damned thing wrong with what he's doing. Is it 'cheap'? Sure. But the dude took a year off school to earn money to live and pay his way. 

How do you EARN your money to pay for school and living?

IF being 'cheap' and/ or better put- economical- with his money is his only fault, as you see it, then you need to look around and see the world for what it's worth... there are many more FAR more worse qualities to have than itemizing the bill and not always paying your dates way. (Think- financial infidelity as all it entails.) 

I would rather have my spouse be uber frugal than take their father's retirement money and lose it in the stock market because he spent all THEIR money on random crap and toys. (That last part is what my brother-in-law just did last week as he had power-of-attorney. $20k down the drain. His wife had no idea... what a freakin' moron.) 

Now if he's blowing money on stupid stuff that doesn't include you... you may well have a reason to be upset.

If he's being a good steward of his money and trying to prepare for life ahead with you... then take a HARD look around at the types of trash that some men are these days and I think you will see what you indeed have. 

Finally, he's going to be this same way with money his ENTIRE life. If you both ended up together in holy matrimony... you are going to have budget, he's going to want to see receipts, and you are going to hear 'No' ALOT when it comes to purchasing things. Make sure you can live with that. This money 'thing' isn't going to change... EVER.

Best of luck. 

Best of luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> He has every right to not pay for someone else. What right, really??
> 
> Disagree with everything you wrote.
> 
> ...


She just needs to stop going with him because he's a tightwad and she can't afford it. He wouldn't pay for it if he could afford it. She already knows this about him.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is pretty clear that he counts every nickel and dime, or what ever they use in GB, lol. Down to even asking her to split paying for parking. That shows that generosity is not part of his DNA if he has to ask his GF of 3 years to split £2 for parking. I know the type. My wife's brother is like this, always has been. It started when he didn't have much money and continues to this day even though money is zero concern for him. He will always split a bill at dinner before the tip, because he think 10% is enough and doesn't want to split the 20% I usually give. Stuff along those lines. I understand being frugal, but take too far I feel it is a major character flaw.


I don't think we know enough to say anything. We know he is working full time while she goes to school and is likely paying for much more than McDonald's twice a month.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My hierarchy of spending in college:

women > cigarettes > beer > food >= music > everything else

Didn’t matter if I was working or not. I found it hard to work while I was in class so I would usually just work during the summer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She just needs to stop going with him because he's a tightwad and she can't afford it. He wouldn't pay for it if he could afford it. She already knows this about him.


She can't afford to _pay her own way for her own self_?

Then SHE needs to get a job.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> She can't afford to _pay her own way for her own self_?
> 
> Then SHE needs to get a job.


Well, maybe she'll take your advice. My advice is for her to concentrate on school.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She just needs to stop going with him because he's a tightwad and she can't afford it. He wouldn't pay for it if he could afford it. She already knows this about him.


I guess the main thing I see after reading most posts together is 
1. OP apparently doesn't ever go out on her own without wanting someone to pay for it, and in normal adult dates I'm in the camp the guy generally pays.
2. This is a normal pre adult time where the bf wants to take no chances and screw up paying for his education and day to day life at this college age.

If it doesn't work out such is life and that's just life, no worries, ok, life goes on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> This is the answer. No further discussion needed. She is only interested in marriage to this man, if he changes who he fundamentally is. That is not a solid base for any relationship.
> Ella, I recommend you move on to a more compatible partner.


I hope this young lady is wise enough to understand that you can't change a person's basic tendencies and that she shouldn't waste much more of her youth on him hoping for it when she has other options. There are lots of people you can like or love but who aren't right for you to make a life with.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When a couple have been together 3 years and one of them is still counting the nickels and dimes then you know that relationship is going nowhere. 

If they were to marry and she was earning more money, guess who would have their hand out wanting their share of the pie? Guess who wouldn't want to sit home because they couldn't afford to take a grand vacation like their spouse? Guess who wouldn't like being treated the way he is treating her?


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

Thank you all so much for your contributions - I have enjoyed reading them! 
I understand that tightness is a fundamental element of someone’s nature, but given how long we have been together, I want to give him a chance to fix this. He takes absolutely everything else on board, he deserves a chance. 
However, what I do need to know, is how do I bring up this conversation without appearing bratty?! It’s such an important yet awkward topic. Any ideas on how to introduce this discussion in a mature manner would be great.


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## ellafoster88 (8 mo ago)

ellafoster88 said:


> Thank you all so much for your contributions - I have enjoyed reading them!
> I understand that tightness is a fundamental element of someone’s nature, but given how long we have been together, I want to give him a chance to fix this. He takes absolutely everything else on board, he deserves a chance.
> However, what I do need to know, is how do I bring up this conversation without appearing bratty?! It’s such an important yet awkward topic. Any ideas on how to introduce this discussion in a mature manner would be great.


I would add that if he doesn’t change his ways following a serious conversation, I will cut him loose. But I do want to give him the chance, so need to know how to approach this discussion


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask him how he intends to handle finances should he ever marry.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ellafoster88 said:


> I would add that if he doesn’t change his ways following a serious conversation, I will cut him loose. But I do want to give him the chance, so need to know how to approach this discussion


How about you ask him where he thinks this relationship is going?
What he envisions marriage to be like?
After 3 years you really should have already had these conversations.

During this discussion mention you don't feel like you two are working like a team and that some things like the $2 parking seems petty. Ask him does he want to keep all things separate after you marry? How will things be divided 50/50 or by percentage of earnings? What will happen with kids? 
Do either of you anticipate one of you staying home for a short while or long while and how would those finances look like.

Express your feeling that being together means sharing. 

My question to you... If you had the job and he didn't would you pay for him.
Cause I can tell you what I'd say but that may not apply to you. We have combined finances which allows us to combine our life and our decision making. I didn't choose my career on money. I partially chose it because I could be out during the summer with my daughter. If we did this 50/50 crap my daughter would have had to be in day care all day during the summer. But I also don't have to pay 50% as my husband earns more than me.

On the flip side when we got married, I paid for the rings, gas and hotel. Neither could really afford it but I had the ability. So we share. You have to decide if the it's a lack of sharing or a lack of feeling spoiled. Or maybe your love language is gifts.

To be honest. I think you should just lay it on the line. I wouldn't tip toe. Just tell him how you feel.

MOST importantly look at a longer horizon than tomorrows McDonald's. Many people ignore big red flags because they are 'in love' or they've spent so much time with the person. Or my favorite. Except for this one dealbreaker they are perfect. Well he may get it and be more free but chances are he'll buy you a burger once a week and after you get married or have a kid you'll still see the same problems which will still be deal breakers but you'll have so much more on the line.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FWIW I'd never marry someone who wanted separate finances. I know it's a thing now. However, in that case why marry? 

Now as an old fart if I was dating I might not combine finances on the second marriage. But the first. If you aren't in it for life long partnership then what's the point.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Maybe you can do it organically?

_Him: Hey hon, parking is $2.00 for 2 hours, let’s go 50:50. That’ll be $1 from you then… <holds out hand>

You: For f**** sake! You cheap bastard!

Him: Wha…

You: If you want to stay with me, there’s a price you have to pay. If you can’t pony up your own dollar, it’s gonna rub me the wrong way!

Him: Wha…

You: Seriously $1? How long have we been together and you’re still trying to collect pocket change from me?

Him: A dollar is a lot of money. Even with the new minimum wage that’s 4 minutes of work before taxes. I suppose you could maybe wash dishes for four minutes instead and I’ll pay you minimum wage for it and then we’ll be square.

You: 🤬_


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ellafoster88 said:


> I would add that if he doesn’t change his ways following a serious conversation, I will cut him loose. But I do want to give him the chance, so need to know how to approach this discussion


I would start the conversation with recognition. 
You recognize that he is working hard.
You recognize that he is focused on his goals to be debt free from his studies as much as he can.
Recognize him for his good qualities.
Once you've done all that, then you can bring up ways that you would like to improve the relationship.
Tell him that you'd like to take him shopping to buy a few hundred dollars of presentable clothing.
Also tell him that you'd like to enjoy a sit down meal in a medium level restaurant, like Earls or Olive Garden, once in a while. Make it a monthly thing.
Then see what he says. He may not even realize just how unbalanced he is living.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Someone's financial habits tend to not change. So, if you think this guy is cheap and he annoys you now, he will likely always annoy you. I don't think income even has much to do with it. I've known poor people that spent money like crazy and rich people who wore old ragged clothes because they wouldn't buy new. 

I do want to point out that I see a bit of a double standard here since OP's guy doesn't expect her to pay for the dates, he just expects her to pay her share of them. Yet he is the one being called cheap.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ellafoster88 said:


> I would add that if he doesn’t change his ways following a serious conversation, I will cut him loose. But I do want to give him the chance, so need to know how to approach this discussion


Stop feeling bratty. He doesn't have a provider bone in his body. That pretty much disqualifies him for marriage. You have a right to have a standard for the man you build your life with, and he is coming up seriously lacking.

First of all, decline dates you can't afford. Start there. 

Then do what Anastasia says. 

And if you get into the subject of marriage and kids, also Google the price of stuff like baby diapers and show that to him. Google says to budget (for one year) $1000 for diapers plus $450 for wipes. And hospital costs. You may as well push his panic button.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Here's another alternative. Invite your dad to have the How Are You Planning On Taking Care Of My Daughter conversation.

Be sure your dad has a full report of the penny pinching and nickel and dining to work off of.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Not weighing in on the who should pay for dates scenario, I was spoilt by my husband when we were dating (still am). He courted me, and I lapped it right up. Wouldn't change a thing.

The expecting to be paid back for parking or McDonalds is tight wad though, wtf?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I suggest a better life strategy is to make it a priority to have enough money to pay for yourself, then you will never need to look to anyone else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Here's another alternative. Invite your dad to have the *How Are You Planning On Taking Care Of My Daughter* conversation.
> 
> Be sure your dad has a full report of the penny pinching and nickel and dining to work off of.


But isn't this the opposite of how feminism says men should think of women?

Isn't it more "equal" and in line with feminist principles to say the talk should be titled "How Are You Planning On Treating My Daughter Equally in Your Partnership"...?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So how old are the two of you?

Sounds like you started dating as teens and are college students. 

Also sounds like this guy is working his way through college. 

Not many young college guys working hard to try to survive and put themselves through college are worried about being a "provider" to his girlfriend 🤣


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Here's another alternative. Invite your dad to have the How Are You Planning On Taking Care Of My Daughter conversation.
> 
> Be sure your dad has a full report of the penny pinching and nickel and dining to work off of.


This is 2022.

Did you know that in the US, at least, 
more women than men are going to college and graduating from college?

"How are you planning on taking care of my daughter"? What a cringeworthy scenario. 

Dude is early 20s and trying to make it through his schooling financially. That's exactly what he should be focusing on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

To me what jumped out from the op’s original post was her boyfriend would suggest a date but then he would make sure she had enough money to split the bill evenly. If she didn’t have the cash then they didn’t go.
This is not dating in my view, this is two acquaintances having a meal or a trip to the movies together. Except that he gets sex at the end of the night. 
If I was the op (and thank goodness I’m not) when her boyfriend asks her if she has enough money for an outing she should just say no and tell him she’ll stay home instead.
If he doesn’t get the message then he gets the door.
I mean two dollars for McD’s. FFS!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I honestly don't see this as a gender issue, it is a generosity, sharing and caring for your partner issue. Feminism doesn't come into play here IMO. I realize they aren't married, but 3 years together is a serious LTR. They should be well passed worrying about splitting hairs over a couple dollars. My personal opinion is the one that has should always be willing to share with the one that has not.

When my wife and I met she worked full time making okay money for the time and I was in high school with a ****ty PT job and McDonalds. We did generally split dates, but I paid whenever I could because I loved and cared for her, but I couldn't always afford to. If she felt she could afford to cover us both, she did and didn't get hung up on me paying her back. She never even asked. When we got married we combined all finances, we were on the same team. Our income roles reversed, but the two way generosity never changed.

Some will say we're from a different generation, but I see the same thing in my 22 and 24 year old son and daughter. My daughter has been with her fiancé for 7 years. They've been planning their wedding for a long time, but at our request they have been waiting for her to finish college. Her fiancé has been working as a full time mechanic for some time, while she has been in college working PT on weekends. While he has been making more money they split stuff, but similar to me and my wife, he covers her when needed without needing to be paid back. She is about to graduate with a EE degree and has a job lined up where she will leap frog him. They plan on combining finances and working as a team, as I believe they should.

My son has been dating the same girl for about 3 years. They are both currently in college. She works on the weekend so she has some money. My son plays baseball which makes it impossible for him to have a PT job. We give him enough money to make sure he doesn't starve, but he has no extra spending money. They see each other every other weekend or so. His GF has no problem treating him to lunch or coffee. He pays when they do things over the summer while he works.

To me all of the above is feminism and gender equality at work and on full display. The primary "breadwinner" roles are fluid and can change regardless of gender. The generosity and caring for your partner remains unchanged regardless of who has and who has not. What @ellafoster88 's BF is doing screams penny pincher. He shouldn't be throwing money around carelessly, but what he is doing seems more stingy than frugal and responsible with his finances. For example, he asks if she can afford McD's before they go and if she can't they don't. He obviously can afford to pay for himself. If it were me, I would either offer to share what I can afford or I would skip going every other time. If I went every other time I wanted to, I could afford to pay for both of us and be out no more money than if I paid just for myself those two times. To me that is a generous and sharing mindset that is needed in a romantic relationship.

I'm with @Anastasia6 on this. Don't beat around the bush. Tell him how you feel, ask where he thinks this relationship is going and start talking about how finances will be handled if you do take the relationship to the next level.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I honestly don't see this as a gender issue, it is a generosity, sharing and caring for your partner issue. Feminism doesn't come into play here IMO. I realize they aren't married, but 3 years together is a serious LTR. They should be well passed worrying about splitting hairs over a couple dollars. My personal opinion is the one that has should always be willing to share with the one that has not.
> 
> When my wife and I met she worked full time making okay money for the time and I was in high school with a ****ty PT job and McDonalds. We did generally split dates, but I paid whenever I could because I loved and cared for her, but I couldn't always afford to. If she felt she could afford to cover us both, she did and didn't get hung up on me paying her back. She never even asked. When we got married we combined all finances, we were on the same team. Our income roles reversed, but the two way generosity never changed.
> 
> ...


I agree with what you said. It isn't about feminism at all it's about sharing. He is treating this like a non-relationship. After 3 years this behavior screams. I just don't really care for you.

Op never answered what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot. When me and my husband first started out. I had an engineering degree and he was still in college. He also had some hidden debt. We never let that phase us. Eventually I gave up engineering for teacher for a more family compatible job. However if I had been all about 50/50. I would have kept a job that I worked long hours and didn't have time for my family. Needless to say. He make more than me now. But we are a team. So mostly I don't worry about it as this was a mutual decision when I changed. If I listened to many of these posters I'd still be an engineer and my daughter would have not had great summers or special birthdays.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wonder how he'd be if she was ill or off her feet for a few days. Some people will jump right in and try to help and others will just stay away. Like if she asked him to go buy Pepto-Bismol, is he going to make her get up and go to her purse and hand him $5.79 first.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So you want him to act like he is from 50 years ago while your a modern day woman.

See if I understand. He took a year off of college and worked his butt off and saved his money. Now that he is back in school, he isn’t spending his money freely.

Have you ever thought that he might have a monthly budget that he is sticking to?

I have read and heard a bunch of women taking about how they want a gentleman. Someone to hold the door and pay for the meals and stuff.

I would say that is great and they deserve that, as long as they have remained a lady for that gentleman they want.

OP if you want a gentleman remain the lady for him.

I paid for everything every date I have ever gone on except once. When my wife and I were dating she insisted that she pay for my birthday once. I have always opened doors for her. She was and has always been a lady with morals and values. That doesn’t mean we haven’t had our share of problems communicating through the years. I still respect her completely to this day.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ellafoster88 said:


> Thank you all so much for your contributions - I have enjoyed reading them!
> I understand that tightness is a fundamental element of someone’s nature, but given how long we have been together, I want to give him a chance to fix this. He takes absolutely everything else on board, he deserves a chance.
> However, what I do need to know, is how do I bring up this conversation without appearing bratty?! It’s such an important yet awkward topic. Any ideas on how to introduce this discussion in a mature manner would be great.


Ask him where he see the relationship going. Is it something for now or does he see a future for the two of you? Then ask why he is always having you split everything. Let him know that it hurts you that he is doing this. Tell him about your parents relationship and how your dad has treated your mom. Find out if he is budgeting what he earned that year.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

ellafoster88 said:


> My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me.
> Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking.
> 
> The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go.
> ...


RUN, IF HE IS TIGHT NOW HE WILL BE THAT WAY WITH ALL YOURS, THE KIDS, AND FAMILY LIVE LANGUAGES. YOU ARE STARVED NOW, WAIT TILL MARRIED. THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS HIM. RUN RUN AWAY NOW. HOLD OUT FOR A GUY THAT LOVES YOU AND TAKE OVER WHERE YOUR DAD LEFT OFF. THATS A MAN YOUR MOM AND DAD WISH FOR YOU. GO GET A RELIGIOUS QUALITY VIRTUE MAN. THAT YOU HAVE BURNING DESIRE FOR. DONT EVER SETTLE.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I agree a quality virtue man is where it is at!


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## armstrov (8 mo ago)

ellafoster88 said:


> My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been dating for 3 years. We’re both students, but he took a year out to work full time, and so he has significantly more money than me.
> Following a chat with my mum recently, who mentioned that her favourite trait about my dad is his generosity, it got me thinking.
> 
> The only time my boyfriend will pay for our date is if it’s such a special occasion, such as my birthday. Other than this, he will religiously insist on splitting the bill to the exact amount. He knows I am living off a student’s budget, and often asks whether I’ve got enough money before we go on a date. If I don’t - we don’t go.
> ...


 A man is to provide. Should he pay for everything? Not exactly. If he paid for everything I don’t think it would be right for you just to accept every time. It would be fair for you to offer to pay sometimes too. I think any msn would appreciate that. If this relationship evolves into marriage I think he would be great at saving money. At least you know of this behavior now and that would provide a sense of security. When the two of you have a family it sounds like he would likely do the right thing and always provide. At this point, you need to ask what his intentions are. Asking you to pay for your portion on cheap meals is cheap but he prob sees it as fair bc he rather may want to pay for the more expensive dates. If this is true I could see this as fair. Communicate and see. Do not be afraid. Have a clear understanding before you end up getting too involved and feeling duped when things don’t go as expected. Refer to my post of feeling duped…


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