# I love him but I don't know how much more I can take!



## NikkiB1986 (Mar 2, 2011)

Ok I apologize ahead but I need to get this out. This will be VERY LONG! 

Years ago in middle school I was being picked on by bullies again (normal day for me) when out of nowhere this cute boy walked up & stopped them. He told them to get lost and helped me up, asked if I was ok and once he saw I was fine, he smiled and walked away. I was flabbergasted because I've never seen him before, and he stuck up for me when no one else would! Well later that day that same boy sat down next to me in science class. Turns out we shared a class together! Sparks flew and before we knew it we were playing footsy & flirting. He was the school's "bad ass" and everyone was afraid of him, so no one messed with me after that. He was actually very smart and kind and a real cuty! Needless to say I was smitten and apparently so was he. Even though we were only 12 years old I knew right then that that boy (M) would be the man I married someday. 

When I was 14 I ran away from home because of my alcoholic abusive mom. M hid me until a few days later his dad came in to find me sleeping in bed (fully clothed because I was a virgin) with him. He told me I couldn't stay naturally and took me to a runaway shelter. Well he tried to visit me everyday until he ran away too (to be there with me). He gave me a hug one day while I was crying (upset about my mom) and he got kicked out (no contact policy). I ended up in foster care & he ended up in boot camp/lockup far away so we were separated for a few years. And I thought we'd never see eachother again, so I started moving on. 

When I was 16 I ended up dating, falling in love, giving my virginity, and getting engaged to someone (A) I found out (much later) was a druggie, cheated on me several times and had many kids out there. One day I was thinking of M again and decided to call the old number and see if he was home yet. He picked up the phone and recognized my voice! I couldn't believe he recognized my voice after so many years! He said he wanted to see me and so we hung out that night. He kissed me and told me of his undying love. He told me that when I left he never stopped waiting for me to come back. I felt really horrible about giving my virginity away but he understood and said he still loved me. I also felt horrible because I was still with A at the time. I was confused and he told me he didn't want to complicate things and we agreed to stay friends. It was hard but everytime A hurt me M was there for me. I'm sure it probably tore him apart but he was there every night to let me vent. Well eventually A's **** hit the fan and I found out about his shady transgressions and found out he was a virgin hunter and used me for my virginity. That broke my heart and I honestly was ready to kill myself that night and if it hadn't been for M I probably would have. 

Weeks later (when he thought I was healed enough I suppose) he asked me for another shot to pick up where we left off. It was nearing the end of my fostering (I was 19 and aging out of the system) so I agreed. He visited me every weekend, and when I moved back to town for my last foster home he visited every day til I moved in with him. A few months later he proposed at the park where we played as kids under the stars with my grandma's ring (she gave me before she died). Everything was wonderful and I was so happy to be with him that I didn't pay attention to all the crap going on around me.

When the "honeymoon phase" wore off (not even married yet) I started to notice things that were troubling. When we were kids he experimented with drugs, drank and partied alot. Now he no longer did all the drugs but he still smoked cigarettes, pot and drank alot. He would come home completely trashed from his friend's house. I remember several times having to hold his hair back while he was puking and some nights I was worried to let him sleep. I couldn't stand his friends because I felt they were a horrible influence on him but he of course said it was all his choice and they didn't influence him. Yet on his "I quit" times he would relapse because he was over at his friend's house. So one night I had it and told him it was his friends or me. He tried to hang himself because it was a choice he felt he couldn't make. Once I saw that I never asked again for fear he'd kill himself.

Things started going downhill from there. The smoking, pot, drinking, staying out late was driving me crazy! I knew obviously ultimatums didn't work so I damn near gave up & tried not to let it bother me instead. One weekend his friend was throwing a huge party & I didn't want to be there so I went to a friend's for that weekend. The night of the party I call him to see how he's doing and he doesn't answer. I get nervous and call several times that night, but no answer. My friend commented that he was probably cheating on me and I freaked. All I could think about that night was him in the arms of another woman. Well later that weekend after no having any contact from him I figured she was right. Her boyfriend was being flirty with me that night and they asked if I wanted to have a 3sum. I've never done that before and I considered it but I said no because I wasn't going to cheat even if M did. Well it festered in my head and I broke down. Her bf took me down to the basement so we could "talk" while his gf & kids were sleeping. We actually did talk for awhile (mostly me crying). He was comforting me when he kissed me. I was bit shocked but kissed him back. I knew it was wrong but we had sex that night (no condom which made it worse). And when I got back home at the end of the weekend I didn't know what to say. I got in to the bedroom when I saw a used condom under the bed. I knew he was cheating and confronted him about the condom. He said the room was open all night and it could have been anyone. I started to believe him because he sounded sincere (now I still wonder) and because of what I had done I spilled feeling so damn guilty. He was upset of course but he forgave me and agreed to make it work. 

Things were going good for awhile and one night we decided to be spontaneous and rent a room at this romantic BNB. We had a romantic amazing night, and several weeks later I started having strange feelings. Turns out I was pregnant. We were a bit nervous (because we recently became homeless) but happy because we both wanted kids. He started having doubt whether he was the Dad due to the timing but the doc assured us he was the Dad because of the due date and our last romantic night. He seemed to be content with that and we started planning our future baby's life together. Then one day I felt something was wrong and we anxiously went into my doctor and found out I was going through a miscarriage. He was devastated. I never saw him break down like that before. I had to go to a shelter up north because there was no openings here and he stayed with a friend. So I had to go through this whole thing alone. To make matters worse I passed the entire fetus (a few days before Christmas) so I saw everything and lost it. I had to stay at a psych ward for 2 weeks. The night before my B-day I had a horrible feeling that something was wrong. My tummy was sick and all I could think of was that something was wrong. I immediately thought of M and called but he didn't answer which only made me worry more. The following day (on my B-day) he came to visit. I asked what happened last night, and he said nothing but he seemed spooked that I felt something about last night (like a deer caught in the headlights). Something was off. I also found it really insensitive that he joked about fooling around in the room after all I've been through. But I couldn't shake the bad feeling I was having. 

I was due to go home that week and when I finally got home I found that the place where we were staying at I was no longer welcome. He wouldn't even talk to me. I tried going to my friend's to talk to her and he was there. Something immediately told me "she" was in there. My friend opened the door a crack and gave me this awkward look and said now is not a good time. I could hear his voice and some other woman's as well. I broke down crying and I knew. Then he finally came out and admitted it. The night I felt sick that very moment he was ****ing some other chick! I will never doubt my intuition again! Well I was hurt but I still loved him and begged for him back (like an idiot) and he refused saying it was over. Later that night I cried myself to sleep at my friend's mom's and woke up to him snuggling up to me. Confused I turned to say something and he kissed me. I gave into his advances thinking this is a goodbye. When we were done I asked what is this and he said he couldn't live without me and wants me back afterall. 

So we left later that day to stay at a hotel (where we lived for almost a year). I was working as a model but that wasn't paying well so I started escorting (no sex, just hj's) but it still bothered me. Turns out it bothered him too but no enough to get a damn job and help me. I ended up quitting though one day when I was attacked by a repeat client. It was too close a call. I was lucky that the only thing that happened was a sprained wrist (from him bending my hand back while trying to spray him with mace). I didn't get raped but it was close enough that I quit that day. I was too damn terrified to keep that up (no pun intended). I thought he'd be relieved that I was ok and happy that I quit but all he could do was complain that I didn't quit because of him. Pissed me off royally but I kinda understood him.

Fast forward to June 15, 2007 we decided to get married at the park where we played as kids, where he proposed and where I buried our baby's fetus. We wanted to get married in a place that was the most sentimental. I thought (like an idiot) that once we got married things would get better but naturally reality set in and found out they didn't. He still smoked (both cigarettes and weed), and now a new bad habit popped up. He began stealing money out of my purse to pay for his habits. I also started to notice his anger issues. He would get verbally hurtful. Or if he felt he wasn't "getting through to me" he would break something or destroy something that belonged to me. Like for instance he punched my laptop and broke the damn thing when I "wasn't listening" to him properly. I also found that he was very inconsiderate of my needs. He makes messes and expects me to clean them, breaks promises and belittles my concerns. 

Well one day after making love, he asked me how it was (like he always does) and I couldn't lie anymore. I hate sex. It's painful, it's a chore and I feel like that's all he ever thinks about. He was floored, and I could tell it really deflated his ego. I felt bad but I couldn't lie anymore. It was too much. We talked about it in detail several times. He said he understood and wouldn't pressure me. He didn't for the most part. And we made love less and less until we went a whole year without it. I was fine with it (due to obvious reasons) but of course he wasn't and he said he was tired of using his hand when he has a sexy wife laying naked in the next room. Of course I felt bad and tried to do it more often but the pain just made it hard. So I came up with a plan. I told him that he could have a play thing but only if I'm there. He said he wasn't interested in having sex with anyone, he just wants his wife. So I left it at that. Another thing that causes problems is that he's very giving sexually (oral, massages, etc) but I feel like the only reason he does these things is because he gets something out of it and if he doesn't he gets pissy. Which has made me not want to set him off. So I avoid turning him on at all. I don't let him kiss me passionately or touch me intimately because I know it'll always lead to that. Plus I feel like I have no passion for him left. I can't trust him, so I can't allow myself to get turned on (don't know if that makes sense). And he doesn't woo me anymore like he used to. He still cooks me food whenever I'm hungry and I appreciate that, I really do. But he used to make me candle light dinners and be romantic in a non-sexual way. Which he doesn't do anymore, which makes me less passionate about him. I need that emotional, romance, not really physical. I know he needs the physical aspect and I try but I just can't seem to allow myself to. I partially think that maybe it's because I might have been molested when I was a baby because this was an issue even before the loss of trust. But it sure doesn't help the situation.

Recently I had my suspicions about him cheating again so I put a keylogger on his computer. What I found worried, confused and pissed me off (can't say what due to his rep in case anyone recognizes us). I could see that while he was on IM with me he was emailing other people nude pics and trying to "hook up". When I confronted him about it, he tried to say it wasn't him (even though the pics sent were from his email of his body). So I dropped it. I knew something wasn't right, he wasn't fooling me. But I knew he wouldn't tell me so I just kept gathering more evidence til I could confront him again. When I did he finally admitted to it but kept trying to backtrack by giving excuses why he was looking and assured me he never acted on any of them though. Since I have no proof that he was faithful I told him no sex until tested, and we'd have to wait 6 months before we can be tested for the serious stuff. Afterall how can I trust him when he blatantly lied to my face even after I confronted him with evidence! How can you say you love someone on IM when you're (at the same moment) typing an email trying to "hook up" with someone else? And I'm supposed to believe nothing happened?

Naturally I want to believe him, but I don't. He's been trying And now everytime he goes out I'm always wondering who he's with, what he's doing ,etc. Worrying constantly if he could be cheating. I have NO trust left in any aspect. I can't trust him not to cheat on me, not to steal money from me, not destroy my things, not to be irresponsible, not to lie to me, to stop being abusive, to change. I have to find hiding places for my money. I can't trust that he won't spend money on his wants before our needs. He's spent our rent money on his habits before. He tells me that if we have kids he'd quit immediately and get a job. Why can't he do that now for me? Am I not as important?

He wants me to believe he's faithful, he'll never steal again, or destroy my things, that he really will quit smoking (both), he won't hurt me anymore (verbally, never been physical, just pushed, or grabbed my arms hard sometimes), that I can trust him to take care of everything, that he won't lie anymore, and that he really will change for the better. I've hear this so many times before. I've given him so many chances, and he's yet to prove he's serious. He always says he'll change and for a split second he does something that makes me think he's serious this time, then nothing. Not to mention he seems like he'll never grow up. He was recently fired from his job and he decides he's going to be a boxer! No, don't go get another job. Instead take what little money you have and buy boxing equipment and a gym membership. Yes keep collecting cans so you can fund your habits too while you're at it! That sounds like a great idea! That'll make your wife trust in your ability to man up and take care of your family! I once wanted to have kids with him and now I can't even imagine myself with kids as long as I'm with him!

To his credit he doesn't have a great role model for a dad. His dad lives in the upstairs area of his mom's (M's grandma) house (with M). His dad is a total slob and pisses in bottles rather than get his lazy ass up and walk a mere 5 steps to the bathroom. He smokes (both) and drinks. He doesn't work and watches tv all day.

Everytime I voice a concern and tell him his behavior bothers me (whatever it may be at the time) he either says "I'm a grown ass man..." or "let the little stuff go" or my personal favorites "if you don't like it than **** off" and "fine I'll get the divorce papers drafted" or threatening to throw my **** out and kcik me out knowing I have nowhere to go and I'm quite frankly sick of it. He's not a "grown ass man" because if he was he wouldn't have to constantly remind me of it and I'd already know it. And it's not little stuff if I'm bringing to your attention you jackass! He's so immature and inconsiderate and dishonest that lately that I don't know if I can put up with it any longer! I need a real man in my life, not a little boy!

I forgot to mention that a little after Christmas of 2010 I decided to move out and separate due to everything. Mainly after a last straw fight. This may seem small to everyone else but he threw a penny down on the ground spit on it, stomped on it and said this is what you mean to me! That was it! My health was definitely suffering! I lost 10 lbs in 7 days (100lbs down to 90lbs)! I couldn't take it anymore. The day I tried to leave he took my PS3 and took it to a friend's house so I could take it with me. So I called the cops. Unfortunately they said it's a civil matter and I'd have to take him to court. Not worth the effort. It was just another thing to show me that he's still an immature ass jerk and further validate that I was doing the right thing. Well I started missing him, and IMed him one night to see what he was up to. Turns out he missed me and wanted me back. I told him I wasn't sure if I could do it again and he promised to change (like always but this was the first time I actually left so I thought maybe he would). So since my bday (Jan 28th) we've been seeing eachother again. I still live in a separate place but in a few weeks (March 16th) I'm moving back in (in his grandma's attic apartment shared with his dad) because the person I was staying with is losing their house and so I have no where else to go. I've been staying over more frequently since he misses me and I honestly miss him too. I love him to death but he's making VERY hard to stay.

What should I do? I want to stay and make things work, but it seems like he doesn't care to put in any effort? We can't afford marriage counseling (we're both jobless and in between semesters at school so no money coming in anymore). He has so many bad qualities but he has good ones too. He's a good person and I want him happy as well as me. And I know neither of us are right now. But we have so much history, we can't just throw it away! Can we?

Please help. I don't want to have to start over again and live without him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling
Your school may have free counseling services, and if it does PLEASE take advantage of that. If not, there are probably government programs that you can take advantage of. They might not be easy to find, but I'm sure a social worker or someone else would know where to find them.

WOW. your post is really long and with the tiny font its really hard to read, so you may not get that many replies. You might want to repost a shorter version for more help.

I think some people will have good advise. I would try to repost a much sorter version.

You guys have a huge history and baggage before marriage and during, personal and as a couple.

No sex is obviously going to be a huge issue for him. It would be for most men and women. You also both need to treat eachother better. The little issues add up to something much bigger.

You are both so hurt that you aren't able to get unstuck from this. I think you should try to work it would through MC if you can find something you can afford. You have stuck with eachother through a lot, and if you still are willing to make it work, I think it can. There is a lot for you guys to work through. I really hope you can find a way.

You both need to dig deep and forgive the other person and realize both your issues in this. Both of you have things you need to change.

Things are only going to get rougher as time goes one. Call a truce. Show as much love as you can despite the issues.


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## NikkiB1986 (Mar 2, 2011)

anx said:


> How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling
> Your school may have free counseling services, and if it does PLEASE take advantage of that. If not, there are probably government programs that you can take advantage of. They might not be easy to find, but I'm sure a social worker or someone else would know where to find them.
> 
> WOW. your post is really long and with the tiny font its really hard to read, so you may not get that many replies. You might want to repost a shorter version for more help.
> ...


I didn't realize the font was too small. I fixed it. Hope this helps make it more readable. I don't know how to shorten it as there are alot of important details to take into consideration.

Thanks for the advice and I'll check out the link.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello Nicki,

I was tempted to skip some of your message but didn't because I could sense your desparation and would like to help. Here's my opinion, which is not a professional one, so take it for what it's worth:

I understand that you love your husband and that you have no one else to turn to, but as long as you stay with him, your life I'm afraid will always be like this. He's an habitual lier that denies you the truth even in the face of evidence otherwise. Those punches to your laptop I'm afraid are going to be punches to your face someday. He's not capable of supporting a family financially. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but it's probably best not to have a child with him. His bad characteristics completely nullify the good ones. Another poster said it on here recently, and I agree. Sometimes love isn't enough. I'm afraid if you stay with him, you'll eventually have a child together and your child's life will be just as difficult a life as you've had. I don't think you'd wish that on your child.

You seem like a good person that just hasn't had enough positive role models / relationships in her life to know better than the route you've been on. His dad, the slob that sponges off his mom and smokes weed and pisses in a bottle - I think that's going to be your husband. The cheating isn't going to stop, and it's likely he'll eventually catch an STD and pass it to you. The stealing money from your purse to waste on his bad habits - that's not going to stop. He sounds like a very charasmatic, magnetic personality guy - otherwise I don't know why you'd keep falling for his act. He says the right things to get you back, but actions speek so much louder than words. His actions haven't aligned with his words in a long, long time. They never will. STOP falling for his act!

There ARE a lot of good men in this world that are responsible, loving, addiction free, and would love you. This relationship is so far removed from a healthy one you have no idea what you're missing. Imagine a man that could keep a good job, act like a gentleman, treat you like a lady, not lie or cheat on you, not smoke pot and waste money, that would be your teammate and save money together to buy a house. How does that sound? That can happen, but it's up to you to take the steps.

My plan of action for you:

1) It's great that you're in school - stay with that and finish

2) Get a job that will enable you to pay for your own apartment. If nothing else, there are always waitressing jobs available that pay okay.

3) Cut off ties with your husband and tell him that even though you love him, he's not good for you and you want better for your life. Don't believe his lies! You've given him enough chances already.

4) Find a local counselor and start building your support base.

5) Go to church or a join an outdoors club or something and start developing positive relationships that aren't destructive.

6) Just worry about friendships for now; don't rush into the arms of love quite yet. You need to develop some self confidence and strength that will enable you make the right choices when choosing a mate.

You're strong, you're special, you deserve this, you can do this!


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

Nikki,

It sounds like you have faced some difficult times in your life. It is hard to believe it right now but your life could be much better. There is a saying that relationships are like glass and sometimes it is better to leave them broken then try to put all the pieces back together. It is probably hard for you tell right now whether it is worth it or not.

I know that struggling financially can make your life problems seem unsolveable but they are not. You may not have the luxury of being able to move out and find your own place or go to some high priced therapy. But this does not mean you don't have choices. There are women's groups that can provide support free of charge. You could join a self help group or use self help books.

I am really glad to hear you are in school. That means that you have dreams for you future and you are willing to put in the work to get there. Keep your focus there because achieving a diploma/degree will help you build your self esteem and realize your potential. If you respect yourself and believe in yourself then toxic people won't make their way into your life. They will either realize they need to change or they will just slowly drift far enough away to not be able to hurt you anymore.

I think the only way to make change in your life is to build up yourself - do this with support (groups or agencies), self esteem (do things that make you feel good), and positivity (change your attitude to see more of the good out there). I hope this helps you. I am sure you are a beautiful person that has been trapped into an unhealthy situation and you will find the light to make your way out.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Men do change. I don't think your husband is a lost cause. Things can get a lot better, but he does need to change. You need to change too.

Find out why sex is painful. Talk to a doctor.


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## NikkiB1986 (Mar 2, 2011)

anx said:


> Men do change. I don't think your husband is a lost cause. Things can get a lot better, but he does need to change. You need to change too.
> 
> Find out why sex is painful. Talk to a doctor.


I really hope he does. I know there are things I need to work on too and I'm doing the best I can to do so, so he knows I'm in this and I care. I just hope he catches up soon, because I feel like I constantly have to put my life on hold for him, waiting for my life to begin. To be honest it's driving me crazy that we can't have kids. My sister who's a year younger than me had 3, my cousins who are younger than me are having them, and I just found out my 16 year old sister in law (my husband's little sis) is pregnant! I want to be a mom too someday soon (before I'm too old to have them). I want to have my little girl first, and then my baby boy, then my little family will be complete.

I honestly have talked to the doc alot about this but no one can seem to pin point the reason. I was discussing this with my friend/photographer and he said based on symptoms it sounds like it's mental. He thinks that because there is a very strong possibility that I was molested when I was a baby that it has damaged me mentally causing my body to physically respond with a pain defense. I think he may be right and if that's the case only therapy will help but again I'm broke and have no way. I was thinking when I get paid again from school I would take some of it to go get hypnotherapy to find out for sure if I was molested and start moving on from there.


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## NikkiB1986 (Mar 2, 2011)

Asking4Flowers said:


> Nikki,
> 
> It sounds like you have faced some difficult times in your life. It is hard to believe it right now but your life could be much better. There is a saying that relationships are like glass and sometimes it is better to leave them broken then try to put all the pieces back together. It is probably hard for you tell right now whether it is worth it or not.
> 
> ...


Yes, not to complain (because it's made me who I am) but I have had way too much difficulties in my life. And all I want is to finally have a calm, happy life with the man I love and have a family.

I have already looked into free therapy and will be taking advantage of that as well as support groups here. I'm honestly not sure what I want to do but I'm going to school to figure it out and once I do, I agree that it will make me much happier. I don't have any friends (because I move so much), and family is not helpful (due to their behavior) so he's all I've ever had. I'm really having a hard time imagining life without him, it makes me wanna just curl up and die.


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## NikkiB1986 (Mar 2, 2011)

HoopsFan said:


> Hello Nicki,
> 
> I was tempted to skip some of your message but didn't because I could sense your desparation and would like to help. Here's my opinion, which is not a professional one, so take it for what it's worth:
> 
> ...


I do plan on staying in school til I figure out what I want to do with my life and get at least a few certificates if not a degree.

I plan on getting a job after I'm done with school, because as of now I'm a full time student and have classes from Mon-Fri (12-9pm) so my entire day is taken up and I need some free time (homework, and life in general). So a job isn't good now.

I really don't want to just cut ties with him. I'm trying to make this work as long as I can. I do dream of a drug/alcohol/smoke free, responsible, romantic, honest, funny, living man that I could have a family. I want that to be him. And I feel like maybe because he's growing older he'll mature someday soon (I hope). I also feel like it's not fair to just give up & go until we at least try some kind of marriage counseling (when we can afford it). If after all that he doesn't change than yes I know what I need to do. Once all that happens with no result I know I've at least done everything I can & was a good wife.

I'm working on getting a one on one counselor (while I search for an affordable marriage one). I've found out it's offered free at school and at a woman's shelter. I'm looking into that now.

I really don't feel comfortable around churches or anything religious (because my mom shoved it down my throat as a kid & now I stay away from all that). With school taking up all my time I wouldn't have time for any clubs really. But I may join a club at school that I go to in between classes.

I don't have any friends (due to moving too much) or family (due to their behavior) so I don't have anyone to have as a support system. He's all I've ever had (and til now) ever needed. 

Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice. I really do appreciate it.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

NikkiB1986 said:


> To be honest it's driving me crazy that we can't have kids. My sister who's a year younger than me had 3, my cousins who are younger than me are having them, and I just found out my 16 year old sister in law (my husband's little sis) is pregnant! I want to be a mom too someday soon (before I'm too old to have them). I want to have my little girl first, and then my baby boy, then my little family will be complete.


Hold off on having kids for now. I have 2 of my own and even when they're brought into a stable environment it can be tough and exhausting. Yeah, kids are alot of fun and provide you with alot of love, but they're also alot of responsibility and expensive. Diapers, formula, medicine, doctors visits, clothes, cribs, toys.... all very expensive and necessary. And if you decide that your husband is never going to grow up and you need to move on, having a kid together will really complicate things and he'll always be in your life unless the kid grows up without a father. You're only 25, you still have alot of time to have a kid - you're not running out of time. I believe most women can still have children until they're 35 without increasing the risks for complications. And your husband certainly doesn't sound mature enough to be a good father yet. Being a good father takes a lot of selflessness, maturity, responsibility, and patience, and he's not there.

I'm glad to hear that you're seeking out the free counseling at school - I think that's a great start. Good luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I'm working on getting a one on one counselor (while I search for an affordable marriage one). I've found out it's offered free at school and at a woman's shelter. I'm looking into that now.


This is great!!!!!!!!!


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