# MC wrong choice?



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Ok, so my wife and I went to a new MC after we found out the first one we went to was a drug and alcohol specialist. With no background in marriage/couples/family.

So anyways, we go to this new counselor, my wife doesn't say much. The MC asks if we'd like another appt. my wife instantly says yes, but that she'd like to try a solo appt. The MC has an opening the next day for her, she attends. We're separated right now, but she gets home and tells me how well it went, and that she finally opened up a bit. I think GREAT, finally, so I call the MC and ask since my wife is finally willing to talk, I was wondering if I could schedule an appt. for myself to get some of my stuff worked out. 

She calls me back and tells me "I'm sorry, I can no longer see you, as I think it would be a conflict of interest". Really? 
I'm more confused than ever now, my wife seems even more cold and disconnected. Not sure if this seems right, or am I over-reacting??


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get her away from that counselor.

Horror stories like this are why if I had two choices MC or Divorce I'd just go straight to divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You are entitled to a reason why the MC feels there is a conflict of interest. A strange thing to say from a counselor.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Maneo said:


> You are entitled to a reason why the MC feels there is a conflict of interest. A strange thing to say from a counselor.


That line alone would have me shaking in my boots about what this "counselor" is putting in my wifes head.

Get her away from the counselor, this wasn't the agreement.
The agreement was the two of you would go to MC TOGETHER.

The fact that you did go together and then she went for IC and then you were rejected is not common and it's not the way I've heard it described here a million times.

Usually what happens is you both go (You did that)
Then one goes alone(She did that)
Then the other goes alone (Not happening)
Then you set up a schedule for both of you to go together.

This counselor is not going to be good for your marriage.
She's already taking sides.


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## AIP (Mar 31, 2013)

May just be a matter of confidentiality

In Therapy, What is a Conflict of Interest?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

AIP said:


> May just be a matter of confidentiality
> 
> In Therapy, What is a Conflict of Interest?


A professional MC is used to dealing with both parties either together or separately. Other forms of councillor are not and are scared stiff of breaching client confidentiality.

This alone shows that he/she is not a suitable MC. 

In Divorce Busting Michele Weiner-Davis makes an interesting point. She says that there are essentially two types of MC. those who tend to believe that couples with severe difficulties are better off splitting up and those who tend to believe that couples can work through their differences, no matter how hard. Is your MC gently leading you down the path towards divorce or is he/she committed to helping you do everything you can to stay together?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

It might be that she's more of a therapist or counselor and less of a couples one. Mine used to see us both individually and together. She said it shouldn't be a conflict of interest if we're working on the marriage. But she did bring conflict of interest up. So it could just be the type of counselor.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I tried to ask my wife if we could see another MC, after 3 IC visits my wife came to me and said she no longer is gonna pursue fixing or saving the marriage. My wife trusts this women too much now, I guess. We went to her with the idea we were working on saving the marriage. After 3 weeks that's gone.

The therapist descriptions are so vague you have no clue of what your getting yourself into...........sometimes until its too late obviously.

I recently went to a PHD for IC as its time I just need to move on, and can tell you after one visit, he would have been a better choice than someone that can put down Family therapist, couples counselor cause they took one class.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thumper said:


> I tried to ask my wife if we could see another MC, after 3 IC visits my wife came to me and said she no longer is gonna pursue fixing or saving the marriage. My wife trusts this women too much now, I guess. We went to her with the idea we were working on saving the marriage. After 3 weeks that's gone.


This is why I'll never invite an "authorative"stranger into my marriage.
If MC is the only thing keeping me from divorce I'm calling a divorce lawyer not a therapist


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MC saved my marriage. She also did my IC as well as my husbands.

There was no conflict of interest.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Ive heard it is hit and miss, and might have to try several before you both find one that you feel comfortable with. This was our second MC actually, the first one even though we said we were there to save our marriage told us it was already over. NEXT.


Glad you got lucky on you first try. Congrats.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes we got lucky. I've seen 5 others who sucked. Lol

I considered switching because of insurance. She was out of network but I went back quickly. Mid rather pay the extra money.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Maybe it was because your wife and you really wanted to make it work. 

Think my wife wanted to try it for the sake of being able to say "she gave it a try". Huge difference.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Thumper said:


> Maybe it was because your wife and you really wanted to make it work.
> 
> Think my wife wanted to try it for the sake of being able to say "she gave it a try". Huge difference.


Agree.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is why I'll never invite an "authorative"stranger into my marriage.
> If MC is the only thing keeping me from divorce I'm calling a divorce lawyer not a therapist


Sometimes you get stuck - emotionally.

The idea is not an "authoritative" stranger.

It's a perceptive third party.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sometimes you get stuck - emotionally.
> 
> The idea is not an "authoritative" stranger.
> 
> It's a perceptive third party.


Oh I understand the idea, I also understand the reality.

I seriously don't think it's a good idea to involve ANY 3rd person who has no clue about your history, relationship, family, or most of all nothing at stake, about you at all in making suggestions based on a 4 year degree about where you should go in your relationship.

Why invite someone who could have completely different beliefs and biases and really couldn't care less if you R or D as long as your insurance is prime to advise you from a position of authority?

I believe the posts I've seen on this board alone are enough evidence to base my beliefs on.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lol my therapist knows my history better than I do sometimes.

I've been with her for 14 years now.

I'm aware my story is unique.

My husband just started IC with her and he's ahead of he game because she knows everything about us/him already.


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