# ok so i took your advice and now it's worse!



## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

My husband had an EA. His reasoning was that he stumbled on some porn and got a little addicted. For about 4-6 weeks was his estimate on how long he was looking at it before he found his OW as a distraction. He never looked at porn the entire time he talked to her so obviously she filled that void. But after researching att.com and putting my sim card into his last two phones I found that he was looking at porn since at least june of 2010. Most likely longer (I'm not a complete idiot). I should make it clear that porn doesn't really upset me. My hubby will record skinamax all the time and I always thought that was normal and to be honest no big deal. We got along well, were sexually active and as far as I knew butt crazy in love. But to find out that this OW actually pulled her out of his porn haze after one meeting has got me really upset. I mean they must have had some real sparks, right? And why did he drop her the minute I found out if she had that kind of power of him. What am I supposed to do? He will not talk about it. All he says "it sounds like you get everything figured out". And he doesn't want me on this forum because "it's making things worse." But I need some insight. I love this man but I don't know if I know him at all. And I thought I did all this time and I don't know if I can go on this way. Having to find out all truths myself and his covering a** this whole time instead of respecting me as his wife and a human being and giving me the answers I need. Not the ones he think he can get away with. Any thoughts on this?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

lostlindsey said:


> And why did he drop her the minute I found out if she had that kind of power of him. And he doesn't want me on this forum because "it's making things worse."


JMO, but its possible he just told you he dropped her because you found out. IF the sparks were so strong and she had so much power over him, its likely that its not stopped and he has just gotten better at hiding things. I'm not saying 100% that this is whats happening, but a possibility. 

Of course he doesn't want you on this site. Someone might actually say something that's truthful about him. Since he doesn't want you on here, ask him if its ok that you go to a counselor yourself with some help on this instead of on a site like this. See what his response is to that. I have a feeling he wants you to drop it and not get any further answers or help with any thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What was the advice given to you that "made it worse?"


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Do you feel it's worse or are you just believing the smoke he is blowing up your ass?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jamison said:


> JMO, but its possible he just told you he dropped her because you found out. IF the sparks were so strong and she had so much power over him, its likely that its not stopped and he has just gotten better at hiding things. I'm not saying 100% that this is whats happening, but a possibility.
> 
> Of course he doesn't want you on this site. Someone might actually say something that's truthful about him. *Since he doesn't want you on here, ask him if its ok that you go to a counselor yourself with some help on this instead of on a site like this. See what his response is to that. *I have a feeling he wants you to drop it and not get any further answers or help with any thing.


This and I especially like the suggestion in bold


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

The advice I was given was that there was no way he was looking at porn for a short period of time. He says he looked at for a short while, felt disgusted, and started texting this woman to pass the time. I was hurt but willing to get over that but to know he did it for much longer and stopped completely for her is almost more than I can take and when I called him out on it. He said things "sounds like u got it all figured out and so you are still finding reasons to get mad at me". I don't think he gets it. I want to know the truth. I want to know why. I want to know what made her so special. Not to be vain, but she wasn't prettier than me and she was bigger and my hubby likes girls small. So what the hell was it. If he traded her for porn it had to be a physical thing that he liked, right? As for the narcissism comment. I self-diagnosed myself. lol. And it only pertains to my relationships. I feel like I should come first with my husband and I do think his life should at least in the intimate part of his life revolve around me. I'm not saying not have a life besides me. I just like to be #1. I don't know if that's even narcissism. hehe. As far as him keeping it going and getting better at hiding it. I love my husband but I'm smarter and sneakier than him. (at least now I am) Not to mention 2 weeks after the EA ended she got back with her hubby. And that's another thing my husband always portrayed himself as this man with high morals and hated women who left their husbands to sleep around and then take them back when they were done or needed the bills paid and that's exactly what type of woman this was. I'm absolutely disgusted at this point.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Well you know he had a EA and looked at porn. Are you wanting him to say those things to you? Do you believe he is remorseful enough that you both can move forward? How about some MC for you both, is that an option?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think if you plan on staying and working through things its best to get into some MC. If it were me and my husband chose to not go, then that would speak volumes to me about how he felt about our marriage. Of course it probably would have already spoken loud and clear when he had the EA.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

LOL. I know self-diagnosing probably isn't best. As far as what I want now- I have no idea... If he could just really be honest with me on the why of it. Maybe give me one piece of info that I don't know and not make me find out every single detail on my own. I've been over it and over it in my head and like I said in my earlier posts the only thing that was different was that he was not keeping in touch as often while he was working. He had two jobs, remodeling houses and tattooing at nite on the weekends. Even him being a nightowl was normal so I didn't think anything of waking up and seeing him up. I think he is remorseful but I think that his need to hide the real reasons are more important to him than my pain and need to understand what and why it happened. Some may say I'm being a baby about this but he knew my personality. I spend most of my time reading or watching documentaries because I like to know everything about everything. Surely he knew this wouldn't be any different. As far as counseling goes. No insurance, no xtra funds. Economy sucks, y'all!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

lostlindsey said:


> LOL. I know self-diagnosing probably isn't best. As far as what I want now- I have no idea... If he could just really be honest with me on the why of it. Maybe give me one piece of info that I don't know and not make me find out every single detail on my own. I've been over it and over it in my head and like I said in my earlier posts the only thing that was different was that he was not keeping in touch as often while he was working. He had two jobs, remodeling houses and tattooing at nite on the weekends. Even him being a nightowl was normal so I didn't think anything of waking up and seeing him up. I think he is remorseful but I think that his need to hide the real reasons are more important to him than my pain and need to understand what and why it happened. Some may say I'm being a baby about this but he knew my personality. I spend most of my time reading or watching documentaries because I like to know everything about everything. Surely he knew this wouldn't be any different. As far as counseling goes. No insurance, no xtra funds. Economy sucks, y'all!


New=More exciting. Which could be one overwhelming reason why. He may not even realize it, if this happens to be the reason.


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