# Was your WS selfish before cheating?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I believe that cheating is a very selfish choice. To me, it's the 'crux' of WHY they cheated. 

I also know that my exb/f exhibited selfish tendencies and had a self-serving attitude. I'm convinced that he would not have been able to cheat if he had aligned *my* needs with his own. 

I noticed his selfishness before he cheated, but it wasn't something I addressed as an issue. I'm just wondering if anyone else noticed if their partner (spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance) exhibited selfish traits before it was revealed that they cheated?

Vega


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Yes, she was. However, that really didn't change afterwards.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Never shared the remote control. Was unhappy if things did not go his way. Controlled a certain spot on the couch that gave the best view of the tv. This is just a few things. Yes, selfish.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Nope. Quite selfless actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Vega said:


> I believe that cheating is a very selfish choice. To me, it's the 'crux' of WHY they cheated.
> 
> I also know that my exb/f exhibited selfish tendencies and had a self-serving attitude. I'm convinced that he would not have been able to cheat if he had aligned *my* needs with his own.
> 
> ...


Yer.... He was living in his own little bubble, and there were things that no matter what he wouldn't give up and if he did anything out of the ordinary he would make sure everybody knows. And, he would feel like he deserved to have things, more than the average person, if he missed out on going out with the boys one night, he made damn sure he made up for it by going out an extra night the following week.

In his case it was all about him, what's good for the goose ISN'T good for the gander & take what you can get & only give if necessary!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

My XW was never the selfish type until my Daughter started walking(postpartum depression). THEN, she was selfish, moody, angry, etc. I begged her to seek professional help, but she wasn't interested and you can figure out the rest.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Very selfish. Entitled about everything. Tantrums if she didn't get her way. Spoilt.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Um, let's see - racking up thousands of dollars of debt behind my back, accessing funds from a secret savings account set up through his work while we were STRUGGLING, going to strip clubs weeks after I had given birth, going out to bars with friends and staying out all night (often while I was pregnant)...

Yes, yes, and YES!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She wasn't. She's not.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I have always been the selfish one (until now). You reap what you sow I guess.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Um, let's see - racking up thousands of dollars of debt behind my back, accessing funds from a secret savings account set up through his work while we were STRUGGLING, ....


Mine too. Thousands a month hidden. 11 high dollar personal loans in 7 years that I never knew about. Gambling addiction.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Oh yeah, I have an addict on my hands too. Porn, alcohol, gambling, shopping (and designer brands, no less. Gotta look good for the hoes!). 

There are days when I don't know who I hate more - him or me. The signs were there, and I stayed... for what?

*sigh*


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

No, not at all.

OK she got the controlling gene from her mother, along with both her sisters - and has passed it on to our daughter (oh good),

Apart from that she is a good Christian woman - she keeps all nine commandments.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Yessongs72 said:


> No, not at all.
> 
> OK she got the controlling gene from her mother, along with both her sisters - and has passed it on to our daughter (oh good),
> 
> Apart from that she is a good Christian woman - she keeps all *nine* commandments.


:rofl:

Uhh...don'tcha mean more like, SEVEN? 

Thou shalt not BEAR FALSE WITNES (lying)
Thou shalt not commit adultery (cheating)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' wife (also goes for HUSBAND)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife is a complicated person. Selfish? Sometimes. Very giving and sharing? Yes. Absolutely! But very determined. Once she makes her mind up, that's it!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Vega said:


> I believe that cheating is a very selfish choice. To me, it's the 'crux' of WHY they cheated.
> 
> I also know that my exb/f exhibited selfish tendencies and had a self-serving attitude. I'm convinced that he would not have been able to cheat if he had aligned *my* needs with his own.
> 
> ...


STBXW was very caring, which is why I am so thrown off.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Looking back my ex was very selfish.

I scratched her head every week -- she never reciprocated (she probably would've if I had asked but she never volunteered.)

I gave neck and back rubs - she didn't.

She determined when we had sex and the kind of sex that we had.

Funny how love blinds us to our partners' faults.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Vega said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Uhh...don'tcha mean more like, SEVEN?
> 
> ...


pedantically yes, but it just doesn't work as a piece of humour (I hate using smilies to tell people its a joke, kinda takes the edge of it).

hey, i'm in an OK mood about it all, which considering the blows of the last fortnight can't be bad.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I got one that tops selfish.

Mine made me homeless and he is holding all of our stuff hostage. Since he works overseas, he can avoid a divorce.

He can do me a favor and be selfish the next time he is driving down the interstate by taking the lanes of the oncoming traffic.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In some ways very much so.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

He grew up entitled... well, he's not grown up but is still entitled. For instance, his mom won 50K. She used most of the sum to pay off debt and then gave each kid 2K. He complained that it was only 4% of her winnings instead of being happy to get a free two-thousand dollar gift. Right now he's also back at his parents house and he complained to me the other day that his mom has the audacity to ask him to pay her some rent to live there as opposed to living rent-free for the last seven months...

He was always selfish in other ways too - no foreplay for me because he wasn't into it and rather just have sex; no dates even though our son went to MIL's every other weekend; if we did have dates it was to places or films HE wanted to see... I could go on but I won't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> STBXW was very caring, which is why I am so thrown off.


Is it possible to be too caring? To give to someone what only the spouse should have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife always put our kids and me first until the A. Yes she had become very me me during the A. Now she seems more like the woman, mother, wife she was before


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Looking back my ex was very selfish.
> 
> I scratched her head every week -- she never reciprocated (she probably would've if I had asked but she never volunteered.)
> 
> ...



Your ex wife sounds like my ex husband. I asked him to massage my back at 8 months pregnant and he told me to scratch his back first....until he falls asleep. Yep, i was soooo blind! And I justified it with saying he worked hard all day and needed to relax.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

My Husband never had a selfish bone in his body until he became depressed and met O/W, How do you explain that? :scratchhead:


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

My WS used to be very helpful - to me, to my family, and in many amazing ways, to a lot of other people. But it's interesting that as his anxiety (and now, he says, mild depression too) started to become more of a problem, he became more self-centered. That started a few years ago; the panic attack he had last year turned the dial up a few notches, and he was even less likely to do anything to help around the house and spent more time on his own hobbies - talking with the OW about dissatisfaction with our relationship started not long after the panic attack, with the PA a few months later. 

I guess in general most people who are ill, physically or mentally, have a natural tendency to focus more of their energy on themselves, though it isn't necessarily energy that's being spent in preserving their physical or mental health!! Cheating is self-centered AND risky in so many ways: people can get STD's, even if they use protection - which my out-to-lunch WS didn't - and they almost never consider the emotional fallout, which can potentially affect at least 3 people in a MAJOR way.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I guess in general most people who are ill, physically or mentally, have a natural tendency to focus more of their energy on themselves, though it isn't necessarily energy that's being spent in preserving their physical or mental health!! Cheating is self-centered AND risky in so many ways: people can get STD's, even if they use protection - which my out-to-lunch WS didn't - and they almost never consider the emotional fallout, which can potentially affect at least 3 people in a MAJOR way.


:iagree::iagree:
Dead on.
I'd go beyond this. People in pain become self focused... that pain doesn't have to be even acknowledge. I might be an very old pain.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No he wasn't. I was always the more selfish one in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Yea I'd say she was selfish. 

It amazing what you can notice when the love goggles get a crack in them.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

In some aspects yes. She definitely has a mentality of what she wants and that superceeds a lot of "us" thinking. 

This is a huge obstacle for me in my R (why I stopped it) and she is now actively working on this.

Funny that this all matters more now that I'm checking out. I guess one can only wait so long.

But yes, mine was selfish prior to, arguablly I have been too but I grew up a good deal faster.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vega said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Uhh...don'tcha mean more like, SEVEN?
> 
> ...


Isn't that last one 'Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's *ass*?' :rofl::lol:

Oh, good grief!


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