# Trust Issues



## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

Hello,

Well, I have never ever done anything like this before but I feel as if my head is in such a confused place that I need some outside input. I am having some trouble letting go of the past and 'getting over it' as they say. Problem is, are some things OK to just let go of when they affect the fidelity and trust in a marriage? 

Here is a little background on my situation..

My husband and I have been married now for one year and one month. We have known/dated each other for 4 years (including the year of marriage) and I would say at least 50% of our relationship has been spent apart due to his military service. Everything was great when we were dating and I was very happy. But as of 8 months ago (~5 months into marriage), I found some very disturbing emails in his email/facebook from not one, but SEVERAL females dating from as recent as the present to back when we were dating, and engaged. Now, let me explain first why I felt compelled to check his email/facebook first before I get jumped all over. It all started when this one ex-love interests posted on his fb wall that she had some dream about him. His family saw this family got upset about it and asked me if I had seen it. I looked. And something struck me wrong. But I thought hmmm well there's nothing really wrong with what she said but I was curious if they talked more so I checked his fb messages and sure enough, they had been emailing back and forth for years and her description of her dream she posted about WAS full on sexual; not innocent as she had said in response to his family's reaction. I'm not one to get into 'digital drama' but this really rubbed me the wrong way. Anyways to make a long story short, my husband was flirting and saying things that I do not think is appropriate for a married person to be saying. This sort of interaction went on between this girl along with 6 others; all being initiated by my husband, for months and months and months.. Another thing that irked me was that my husband told this girl that he would never stop being friends with her 'just because of me' because they have too much history..Now I thought that was a little disrespectful. When I confronted him about it, he refused to explain himself and he refused to open his messages and explain what he meant by everything and instead deleted the whole account. No apology. Now, am I completely wrong to feel upset or doubtful of his loyalty? I have tried so hard to move past it, but it seems like every time I get to a point where I feel secure, it happens again. It happens every 3 months or so, so it hasn't exactly stopped. There is so much more I could put in here but I feel like this is getting to be a lot to read so I'll start and stop here for now.

Please give me some constructive advice. Don't tell me to get over it; HOW do I get over it or should I? And please don't sit here and say 'how dare you snoop through his email..blah blah" because I never did until I felt I had a reason to. I just need some perspective. Some real, honest, practical advice. 

Thanks..


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

First of all, I don't think anyone here will attack you for "snooping." If a spouse is being faithful, then all things are open and there really is no snooping.

You are being totally reasonable. You have every right to be suspicious. I don't think you should "get over it" until your husband is willing to provide you with some level of comfort that he has stopped this type of behavior.

As for what to do - I think asking him to start marriage counseling would be a good beginning.

Keep your eyes opened, ask him questions when things seem odd, and maybe even begin keeping a journal. If you don't already, get access to his cell phone bill and see if there is any suspicious activity there.

You might also re-post this in the Infidelity section. There are a lot of people there who have dealt specifically with these issues who will be able to offer more concrete advice.


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## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

Thank you both for the honest input; that really helps A LOT. 

I have convinced him to go to a marriage counselor and we have attended one session. But to be honest, it almost feels as if he's going just to appease me and not really to invest in the help but it is a step.

I have heard before about the possibility of his 'need' for female attention being an addictive behavior and that there could be a deeper cause for that than he is letting on and I am hoping that the counseling will help get to the root of that if I can continue to get him to go with me. 

So, thank you both for being honest and constructive, it is much appreciated.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

This is not something you should "just get over". What he has done is very disrespectful to you and is very destructive to your trust and the bond that you two should share. Marriage counselling is definitely a good first step, but I also agree with keeping a journal. Having a written record to look back on and see the patterns as they develop will make it harder for you to later try to deny or ignore what's going on; it'll make it easier for you to see if something really bad is happening and make the right decision then. 

The comment that he'd never stop being friends with her because of you and that they have too much history...that one is a real problem, in my book. My boyfriend and I each have friends of the opposite sex, and some of those friends are people we have dated before. But we would never say that we'd never stop being friends with any of them because of each other. We both know and understand that if we felt that one of those friends was causing a problem in our relationship (and clearly she is; maybe not her, but the friendship itself is), that we could ask that the other end the friendship. Now, we also have a relationship where trust isn't an issue, and so we both know that neither of us would ask that of the other unless we felt that it truly needed to be done to save our relationship. But the fact that he's willing to put his friendship with her over his marriage to you, or any friendship over your marriage, is a problem. A spouse or romantic partner should always be more important than your friends if forced to choose. If he's not willing to do that, that's a big red flag to me. 

Counselling is good, but if he's not really putting his all into it, it may not help. I sincerely hope you two work it all out, but I do also want to suggest that you accept that it may not work out the way you want it to.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

I for one do not blame you for snooping I have done the same thing, with good reason. I found a completely different myspace page of his that no one knew about except for him and some girl and when I confronted him about it he lied to my face and told me he didnt have a page, little did he know I read everything. There was no proof of anything going on and it all sounded innocent, but it was the dishonesty that upset me. The bottom line here is, if this is going on with multiple girls and making you feel the way you are, is it worth it? I know it can be hard to think about that and say it out loud but you have to go after the things you want in life and if someone is bringing you something you don't want, go your separate ways. Trust is something that is extremely important in a relationship, without I don't think any relationship can function properly. I do not think this is something you can get past, I know I wouldn't be able to, because what's to stop it from happening again. It is deceitful and disrepectful and not something a married man or anyone in a relationship should be doing. I am so sorry you are going through this, but at this point all you can do is be in tune with yourself and your gut feelings, can you get past something like that? Will you always have it in the back of your mind? Will you be able to trust him again, if ever? If you know you can't move on and can't trust him anymore then cut your loses and find someone who deserves you. If and when you decide to move past it and stay in the relationship then you have to do exactly that for your own mental health and for the sake of the relationship if it something that is constantly going to be rehashed, why put yourself through that?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

MEI, I hate to tell you but you've probably only scratched the surface of his infidelity. Do any of these women live in close proximity? Would his family or friends disapprove of this behavior?


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## alpanania (Jan 15, 2012)

This is a progressive decease, i get a feeling he will continue to look around and want to connect with women -its like an addiction. Give your marriage sometime and seek counselling ,if you cannot set it right just move on ...its not worth it .


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