# Am I a good husband?



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Married 47 years...

Always worked, good provider....

Ardent, inventive, and generous lover (her words)...

Treat her family members with charity, hospitality and respect....

Good father...

Liked and respected by my co-workers....

Good role model and father to her son from previous relationship..

Generous with money....

Shows affection....

No addictions....

Never cheated......

No debts, never bankrupt....

Her son, My step son would step in front of a bullet to save me...

Her family loves and respects me......

I took her brother and sister in and put them through high school...

Love my wife beyond my ability to express... 


As you can see, I am pretty full of myself. I feel I am a pretty OK person, and have read lots of posts on TAM about guys that were "Not so much" good husbands....

Tonight I told my wife that If I had the choice I would do it all over again, and that I would love and cherish her till my dying day.......

She told me she felt "Short changed"......

We recently read "The 5 love languages" .

I found out her love language is "acts of service"......Mine is touch....So I feel emotionaly "Full" and satisfied with hugs and hand holding (and sex, remember the ardent lover part)....

While to top off her tank I need to bust up floor tile, do plumbing, cut grass, rake leaves, dig post holes etc.......

Are you starting to get the picture? filling her tank raises lots of blisters, while filling mine can be fulfilled on a very nice "date"...

Of course I am being a little sardonic here, but I really LOVE my wife, and was a little taken aback by her answer......

I definately do not feel "short changed"....Opinions please....


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Now that you've figured out her love language speak it.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, is she unhappy with you as a husband?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Woodchuck,


Married 47 years (well done to you both) puts you at the youngest in your mid 60's so maybe your "acts of service" could be cooking her a romantic meal / watching her favorite "sloppy" movie together you may not need to raise blisters (or risk a heart attack).


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

There are lots of acts of services that aren't that physical.

cooking meals
cleaning up the house
doing laundry
making the bed
washing the car
making sure she has gas in the car
fixing things

just a few ideas


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes,sounds like you are a great husband. However,you may want to talk to your wife and to learn about where exactly are you "short handed". Seems like you may still have a thing or two to improve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope you come back here and talk with us.

How many hours a week do you two spend with each other, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good foot massage is an act of service and fills both of your love languages.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Woodchuck,
> 
> 
> Married 47 years (well done to you both) puts you at the youngest in your mid 60's so maybe your "acts of service" could be cooking her a romantic meal / watching her favorite "sloppy" movie together you may not need to raise blisters (or risk a heart attack).


Do all of the above every day....Not quite enough.......


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You may also find that calling the tile guy and arranging for him to come re-tile the bathroom is just as much an "act of service" as doing it yourself. It may be that taking care of things works as well as doing it yourself, in regard to her love language. 

Try asking your wife for _specifics_ on the things that would fulfill her in her love language.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A good foot massage is an act of service and fills both of your love languages.


I probably masage her 2-3 hours a week, even bought a massage table....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Keep in mind this may have NOTHING to do with you. She could just be aging, looking back on her life and thinking how things could have been different blaming YOU for her discontent.

I suspect she's not telling the whole truth. There is more to this than you not doing enough for her because obviously you are doing that.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Rowan said:


> You may also find that calling the tile guy and arranging for him to come re-tile the bathroom is just as much an "act of service" as doing it yourself. It may be that taking care of things works as well as doing it yourself, in regard to her love language.
> 
> Try asking your wife for _specifics_ on the things that would fulfill her in her love language.


New roof, heat, air, windows, soffet and facia, gutters and downspouts, all new kitchen appliances all in the last three years. All new furniture coming this year (OK by me)...So cash is a little tight right now, and the BR floor keeps coming up.
(She picked out the current tile about 10 years ago, and is just tired of it)......:scratchhead:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

she sounds "spoiled".....almost sounds like you're too nice.
If 1/2 of what you say is true (I am sure it is)----you're a great guy and she's a lucky lady!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

First off.. you have been married 47 years - more than the vast majority on this board - so you are doing something right - give yourself.. and her as well... a little credit. :smthumbup:

'short changed'. Ow. Man, thats cold. Really? I dont know the tambre of that little conversation.. was she direct and grim or sort of smirking? Yikes. I know that sort of thing comes more easily when you have been married a long time (brutal honesty) but it must still be sobering.

Friend - busting up more floor tile isnt the solution here, you are doing that stuff already.

Let me ask you this.... why are you suddenly reading the 5 love languages... is something not working?

You have been married long enough, you know most of the answers here already I expect. If you think she needs to snap out of a slump, you may need to think of something else besides doing more of the same faster and more frequently. You go on several times about the ardent lover part so lets put that aside... same with cutting the grass and dinking little handyman crap around the house.

When was the last time you 2 did something together like... I dont know... have a couple friends over to play cards and have a couple glasses of wine and some giggles? Maybe jump in the car and go away for a weekend somewhere. You know what she likes and what you dont - what would get you out of your comfort zone that she would love? When you are not around.. what does she like to do? Fill in the blank because I suspect she has said this before... havent met a woman yet that hasnt... 'We should ___________ sometime." Right? Going with a hunch here - I am thinking something that is NOT just you 2 on a date. Snorkeling and let her get her 'diving' lessons from some chisled, bronzed college kid... that will put a smile on her face. Double date with someone you know to the Symphony or Theater if thats your speed. Something.

Digging post holes and making love isnt going to shake her cage here, I am guessing. The massage table, though nice, is just as much for you as for her. Think about what would she would really see as a 'breath of fresh air'.

just shooting from the hip...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

We had a big blowup last Nov. I was not happy with what I saw as a disrespectful attitude on her part. She seemed to avoid sex, and often mention the word "deserved" when I approached her...

I was not going to see our marriage become sexless, and a weeks long hostility ensued, with divorce being mentioned.

I asked myself If I could be happy with another woman, and my answer was NO...I am a 1 woman man. 

I think she got a reality check then, and says she is having a hard time forgiving me for the way I upset her......

I am sorry she was hurt, but I think we both needed a bit of cold water splashed in our faces......

I have committed to reworking myself, and have made lots of changes. I do 75% of the cooking (I am a great cook). Do most of the grocery shopping, cut the grass, wash the cars, gas them up....etc. 

She wanted to do "the 5 languages of love", and I complied with a true sense of committment . I accepted the theory, and truly believe it will help our marriage. 

I think she was ok with it till she got to the case where a woman said she hated her husband, and was told to have sex with him once a week for the first month, and twice the second month.....I don't think this is the kind of advice she expected....

I really believe she thought this was a "FIX YOUR LOUSEY HUSBAND IN 10 EASY STEPS" book.........


I really think much of are problem is a feeling of "I SHOULD BE HAPPIER, AND DON'T KNOW WHY I'M NOT" thing that I see lots of women have at this stage of life....Since I THERE I get much of the blame justified or not.......

Got to go now, sleet here, and I drove her to her hair appt. and she called me to come and get her.....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm leery of anyone who goes to great lengths to list their positive attributes in detail with not mention of any faults whatsoever to set the stage to critisize/point out someone else's faults.

A sprinkle of humility is an enormous attribute as well and I see that lacking in you and is indeed a fault.

YES maybe your wife is going through some sort of crisis but listing what a wonderful seemingly perfect husband and father you are in a (my perception) completely aggitated and defensive response is not a "good husband" IMO.You seem "intolerant" that she should have the nerve to have anything to be discontent with.

If she is upset about something she is upset about something period and you have again IMHO a "dismissive" attitude about it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I asked myself If I could be happy with another woman, and my answer was NO...I am a 1 woman man.


Did you ask your self if another woman could be happy with you ?I'm sorry I don't think your wife stayed married to you for 47 years just because you are perfect and made her happy all the time.

Again here is a clue.You are happy your wife is saying she's not exactly.Try listening to her and understanding why without mocking her and giving her all the reasons she is "wrong" to not be happy because of how content YOU are with your self and the marriage so should she be also .

In a nutshell you are telling her she "shouldn't " feel the way she does because you don't and or "wouldn't if you were a woman married to your self.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> ...I really think much of are problem is a feeling of "I SHOULD BE HAPPIER, AND DON'T KNOW WHY I'M NOT" thing that I see lots of women have at this stage of life....Since I THERE I get much of the blame justified or not.....


She isnt alone. There are tons of people that have a vague sense of unhappiness and just cant quite put their finger on it, or are unwilling to verbalize it.

You go to great lengths to enumerate what you do - is this an area you feel you have improved? But 'gassing up' the cars doesnt count for much really, nor does cutting the grass. Yeah - I do those too and cook as well as grocery shopping and much of the cooking. You know what? Nobody cares at my house - nobody cares that is as far as keeping 'score' goes. Thats not bad, everyone does their part and is appreciative. Can we assume you both contribute in assorted ways? Im not trying to be a jerk - but dont pat yourself too hard on the back for being normal.

What are you changing? Were you broken? 'Lots of changes'? Are you suddenly 'better' and wondering why she hasnt come around? Fumbling around in the dark here.

Its great that you both have decided to work on it. I mean really good, but dont gloat too much if you find something that validates you in some cheesy relationship book. Its a guide - not a rule book, or by any means authoritative. Seems like maybe you still have a little way to go before you are both rowing in sync and in the same direction - THAT is success - and will only happen if both you can both work through it together.

Im sticking with my position that sex comes last. Fix your relationship - whatever that means to the both of you - and sex follows easily. Sex doesnt fix a damn thing in a vacuum - so simply upping the frequency does nothing. Nada. Zilch...if you have underlying closeness issues.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

There is something not being mentioned by you or her. I don't know if it is the "blow up" (I don't feel this is it exactly) or what. You seem to be great with the exception of being too attached to her and this sets off my alarms that something is missing. I would work on yourself. Lead the marriage and do the things you enjoy that fit her love language. Don't do a bunch things you don't like just to appease her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> She isnt alone. There are tons of people that have a vague sense of unhappiness and just cant quite put their finger on it, or are unwilling to verbalize it.
> 
> You go to great lengths to enumerate what you do - is this an area you feel you have improved? Let me clue you in on something - 'gassing up' the cars doesnt count for much, nor does cutting the grass. Yeah - I do those too and cook as well as grocery shopping and much of the cooking. You know what? Nobody cares at my house - nobody cares that is as far as keeping 'score' goes. Thats not bad, everyone does their part and is appreciative. Can we assume you both contribute in assorted ways? Im not trying to be a jerk - but dont pat yourself too hard on the back for being normal.
> 
> ...



:smthumbup:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I think she got a reality check then, and says she is having a hard time forgiving me for the way I upset her.....


And I think all she's doing is trying to get things back to the status quo by blameshifting.

You said she cut off sex and gave you attitude. You called her on it (good job btw) and now she's trying another angle. The "oh you hurt me SO BAD" card.

I'm going to call B.S. on that. 

I think you're on the right track in that 'something' is in fact wrong but I don't think it's what you think it is.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

MrHappy said:


> There is something not being mentioned by you or her...


:iagree:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> but dont pat yourself too hard on the back for being normal.


TOTALLY agree with that.Including looks like he looks "down" at the not so great husbands around here to elevate himself.Anyone can feel "great about themselves" if they are using a "low standard" or a very low "bar" to do so.How low do you go though?I don't cheat and I don't beat like some others do therefore I'm a prize?

Being O.K with your self is a good thing and not self degrading and self hatred which is destructive is good to avoid.But you can go in the opposite direction and it becomes "delusions of grander" and arrogant and obnoxious.

My point overall though is if you want to be a "good husband" NOW after 47 years don't dismiss your wife's struggle looking to avoid it being "blamed on you ".


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## likeaboss (Feb 21, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> Now that you've figured out her love language speak it.


Exactly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It seems to me that the answer to "I feel like I was short changed" is "nobody is holding you prisoner. if you have it so bad, then don't let the door hit you on the way out." Seriously, she sounds like a spoiled princess. It's not your job to make her happy and fulfilled. And she's clearly not holding up her end of the bargain.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> She isnt alone. There are tons of people that have a vague sense of unhappiness and just cant quite put their finger on it, or are unwilling to verbalize it.
> 
> You go to great lengths to enumerate what you do - is this an area you feel you have improved? Let me clue you in on something - 'gassing up' the cars doesnt count for much, nor does cutting the grass. Yeah - I do those too and cook as well as grocery shopping and much of the cooking. You know what? Nobody cares at my house - nobody cares that is as far as keeping 'score' goes. Thats not bad, everyone does their part and is appreciative. Can we assume you both contribute in assorted ways? Im not trying to be a jerk - but dont pat yourself too hard on the back for being normal.
> 
> ...



I enumerated my qualities so the reader would have a background on which to judge our relationship....

On tam I have seen problems due to infidelity, mental/verbal abuse, poor financial decisions, bad relations with spouces family, bad treatment of stepkids, being stingy with finances, physical brutality, drugs, alcohol, lack of affection etc...etc...etc....all the major relationship killers......None of which I am guilty.......

No, I am not perfect, I am human and have my faults. But I have a loving, giving and generous nature.

I would be ashamed to enumerate my faults in front of someone who obviously has all my good qualies in abundance and many more besides...

In the book, her love language is "acts of service" so gassing the car, cooking, shopping, etc are just the things she sees as positive.....

A couple of years ago I spent 3 months with her sister and BIL in another city....They were in tears when they called her to let her know I was on my way home....So I guess I am not such a pric-k

As far as the cheesy relationship book, I'm sure you will never read one, being perfect and all....but my wife picked the book, and I followed it willingly and whole heartedly.........

My improvements have been specific to what was recommended by the book, and she has acknowledged them.......

So as your punt cruises past me. all oars in perfect sync to the coxwain, give a wave to us lesser beings as we paddle along.....

But isn't it hard to row a boat on top of mount Olympus????


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> TOTALLY agree with that.Including looks like he looks "down" at the not so great husbands around here to elevate himself.Anyone can feel "great about themselves" if they are using a "low standard" or a very low "bar" to do so.How low do you go though?I don't cheat and I don't beat like some others do therefore I'm a prize?
> 
> Being O.K with your self is a good thing and not self degrading and self hatred which is destructive is good to avoid.But you can go in the opposite direction and it becomes "delusions of grander" and arrogant and obnoxious.
> 
> My point overall though is if you want to be a "good husband" NOW after 47 years don't dismiss your wife's struggle looking to avoid it being "blamed on you ".


Easy.

I dont see all that. Its far too easy for me to read too much tone into a post if I (we) are not careful. One of the downfalls of text boards. I bet there are very few total jerks on this site.. besides me that is... its just the right tone or intent doesnt always come across unfortunately.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It seems to me that the answer to "I feel like I was short changed" is "nobody is holding you prisoner. if you have it so bad, then don't let the door hit you on the way out." Seriously, she sounds like a spoiled princess. It's not your job to make her happy and fulfilled. And she's clearly not holding up her end of the bargain.


Except he said he was happy?But she is not.How is that not her holding up her end of the "bargain"?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

ok, so you have fulfilled what you think her needs are, or should be, and yet... unhappy.

Shrug. OK. I'll bite. WorkinOnMe's advice sounds good then.

_**punt**_ (from Mt. Olympus.  )


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Easy.
> 
> I dont see all that. Its far too easy for me to read too much tone into a post if I (we) are not careful. One of the downfalls of text boards. I bet there are very few total jerks on this site.. besides me that is... its just the right tone or intent doesnt always come across unfortunately.


Agreed...(NOO except I don't see you as a "total jerk)..the rest I agree...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Except he said he was happy?But she is not.How is that not her holding up her end of the "bargain"?


Because he did what she asked and she's still not happy. Common problem with people who think their spouses are supposed to MAKE them happy. 

I also don't buy that he's happy either. We just don't have the whole story yet. I mean he's already said she flipped him attitude and cut him off from sex but he's happy? Nope not buying it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Because he did what she asked and she's still not happy. Common problem with people who think their spouses are supposed to MAKE them happy.
> 
> I also don't buy that he's happy either. We just don't have the whole story yet. I mean he's already said she flipped him attitude and cut him off from sex but he's happy? Nope not buying it.


Yep she "flipped him attitude" after 47 years?He said "last Noevember"..so I'm assuming after 40 at least 6 years she acted like she was "avoiding sex"?

WOW he must be miserable..She needs to stop that with her attitude.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It seems to me that the answer to "I feel like I was short changed" is "nobody is holding you prisoner. if you have it so bad, then don't let the door hit you on the way out." Seriously, she sounds like a spoiled princess. It's not your job to make her happy and fulfilled. And she's clearly not holding up her end of the bargain.


how IS SHE NOT "HOLDING UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN" because she says she feels like she has been short changed in the marriage?What if she said that on her death bed as a final comment"I feel I was short changed in this marriage" then died how is that her not holding up her end of the bargain?How is stating how you feel "renigging" on a "bargain"?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEIt's not your job to make her happy and fulfilled. ][/QUOTE]

Funny he seems to think its her job though to make HIM happy and fulfilled.Even when pondering divorce he said "would ANOTHER WOMAN MAKE ME HAPPY".Or some "happiness" on his end..it wasnt "will I MAKE another woman happy" it was about his happiness..


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> how IS SHE NOT "HOLDING UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN" because she says she feels like she has been short changed in the marriage?What if she said that on her death bed as a final comment"I feel I was short changed in this marriage" then died how is that her not holding up her end of the bargain?How is stating how you feel "renigging" on a "bargain"?


I'm going to assume that the OP is on the up and up. He says he's husband of the year and he just gives and gives to his lovely wife.

And she just takes and take and takes until one day 47 years later and says "I'm short changed". 

If I were the husband I'd be PISSED. So she's been short changed but continued to let her husband do everything for her? That makes her an entitled princess and a user. To me that means she didn't keep her end of the bargain.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A good foot massage is an act of service and fills both of your love languages.


Ele...She gets a no strings foot massage at least 2-3 times a week....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I asked myself If I could be happy with another woman, and my answer was NO...I am a 1 woman man.


Oh here we go whats good for the goose is good for the gander..Its not woman's job to make a man happy .


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Ele...She gets a no strings foot massage at least 2-3 times a week....


And yet she feels you don't 'deserve' affection/sex.

Yep. Something's rotten in Denmark.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Oh here we go whats good for the goose is good for the gander..Its not woman's job to make a man happy .


Ah but he said that AFTER weeks of hostility from HER, no sex and talks of divorce from I'm guessing her end.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mavash, some advice: don't engage her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm going to assume that the OP is on the up and up. He says he's husband of the year and he just gives and gives to his lovely wife.
> 
> And she just takes and take and takes until one day 47 years later and says "I'm short changed".
> 
> If I were the husband I'd be PISSED. So she's been short changed but continued to let her husband do everything for her? That makes her an entitled princess and a user. To me that means she didn't keep her end of the bargain.


O.K so he stuck around for almost 50 years with her not giving him anything?but suddenly she is "avoiding sex" which indicates he GOT SEX" and he threatens divorce?

I'm sorry sounds like she "gave and gave' too ..maybe he didn't see it that way and that's the problem???


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Ah but he said that AFTER weeks of hostility from HER, no sex and talks of divorce from I'm guessing her end.


I read is as "a week" (I'll find it)..and the talks of divorce if they were from her I would be concerned WHY..???All he said was he wanst "living sexless marriage"..


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

*Silence Mortals!* 










The man said his piece and got a little pushback. Lets not get gratuitous. Everyone, _everyone_ is on the same side here. He got blindsided by a 'short changed' comment - and like I said originally - thats pretty cold.

Question is whats he going to do about it - because I tell you - I dont care how long you've been married - I would be totally gobsmacked.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Mavash, some advice: don't engage her.


Yep..you might get a healthy debate.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> *Silence Mortals!*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What if I'm not mortal...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Question is whats he going to do about it - because I tell you - I dont care how long you've been married - I would be totally gobsmacked.


BUT especially if all those years went by where he was "happy" for her to say she felt "short changed"..YEAH God smacked .Maybe take it seriously that she isn't a nag?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> I'm sorry if I offended. But I do say it's possible to make someone lose attraction to you if you bend over backwards and it does sound like that's what's going on and I am going to take this man at his word.


I agree..especially if that "bending over backwards" is to GET..

Think of the clown that runs up to you and just wants to please make a balloon for you ..You are like "no thank you " they are like YES ..you are like I really don't want a balloon they continue and make you a balloon..you do like the balloon it looks just like your poodle you had growing up..you say thank you then they say $5 please..


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

dallasapple said:


> Oh here we go whats good for the goose is good for the gander..Its not woman's job to make a man happy .


I agree with you. In a marriage the first priority should be each person should be happy with themselves first and not the spouse making you happy. 

I still say something isn't being said or known on one side or the other. It sounds like she has resentment built up over something. She might not even be able to articulate it correctly. If they were younger I would says something like an EA is going on but due to their age and the "apparent" newness of the problem it might just be resentment. I see this as a big warning sign though that something needs to change.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It seems to me that the answer to "I feel like I was short changed" is "nobody is holding you prisoner. if you have it so bad, then don't let the door hit you on the way out." Seriously, she sounds like a spoiled princess. It's not your job to make her happy and fulfilled. And she's clearly not holding up her end of the bargain.


:iagree:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

MrHappy said:


> I agree with you. In a marriage the first priority should be each person should be happy with themselves first and not the spouse making you happy.
> 
> I still say something isn't being said or known on one side or the other. It sounds like she has resentment built up over something. She might not even be able to articulate it correctly. If they were younger I would says something like an EA is going on but due to their age and the "apparent" newness of the problem it might just be resentment. I see this as a big warning sign though that something needs to change.


Yep..and I don't think that is time to say what a perfect spouse you are.I doubt his 60 something year old wife (I'm sure past menopause?) after almost 50 years of marriage is trying to move on with a LaBear dancer..she might actually have a "point".


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm going to assume that the OP is on the up and up. He says he's husband of the year and he just gives and gives to his lovely wife.
> 
> And she just takes and take and takes until one day 47 years later and says "I'm short changed".
> 
> If I were the husband I'd be PISSED. So she's been short changed but continued to let her husband do everything for her? That makes her an entitled princess and a user. To me that means she didn't keep her end of the bargain.


I had a horrible motorcycle crash shortly after our marriage. She stood up like a champion and I could not have asked for a better wife.

We had a fireball lovelife for 30 years...

She is frugal with my (our) money ....Always had 1 joint account

She has been faithful to me...

She was an outstanding mother and housekeeper...

We lost our only child together, and we got each other through that...

I mean, whats not to love....Its just that over the past 3-4
years there have been more arguments, rages on her part, and less and less sex.....Hence the book...

My wife has been through a lot during the past 2 years...Lost 2 sisters to cancer. I was there to support her and them....Spent overnights in hospice to support them, and let others rest. I was good friends with both sisters, and I was touched by how they appreciated me staying with them....

My wife has had some minor but troublesome health issues in the past few years. I know she has some depression, and am trying to make things easier for her....

At this point I am not demanding or expecting a lot from her. The "GOOD POINTS" from my op were her answers to my questions LAST NIGHT....

Two things really hurt me recently. I had prostate surgery a few months ago, and there was a possability I would be left impotent. 

After 46 years, of a "Rock star" love life, she just couldnt find the time for sex "possibly for the last time" till the night before the surgery.....ouch

Our 47th wedding anniversary and valentines day were 2 weeks apart....No sex on either???? Yes, cards, and dinner for both....

Maby I am just being too sensitive, but isn't that what women all say they want???

All of this seems disjointed and garbled, but so is life. I know I really love her, and am determined that in the end she will say hubby you have some change coming.....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> We lost our only child together, and we got each other through that...


Maybe you got through it and she didn't?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

If she is depressed, that probably explains her lack of effort, her dependence on you, and her lack of tact when she responded to your initial comment in the first post.

Doesn't help you much, but it at least explains a few things.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Its just that over the past 3-4
> years there have been more arguments, rages on her part, and less and less sex.....


Could she possibly be having hormone issues? When I hit perimenopause I picked fights, was angry AND I lost my sex drive.

Add in losing TWO sisters to cancer plus some depression its got to be taking it's toll on her.

Just a thought.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> and I was touched by how they appreciated me staying with them....


Do you realize how this makes you look?I mean when you say that.Its about YOU and getting some glory out of it..Its not you were priveleged to be a part..Its about YOU .Are you "needing" people to say how great you are?Do you feel "unappreciated"?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Depression, prostate surgery and a less than optimum 47th? Sibling(s!) passing, illness?

Good god man, what else are you holding back! These are not small things - not at all.

This is all within the past few months/years. That is hardly surprising that you both got to some kind of crisis, sorry. Thats a load. Losing 2 sisters I must say must be particularly brutal.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Do you realize how this makes you look?I mean when you say that.Its about YOU and getting some glory out of it..Its not you were priveleged to be a part..Its about YOU .Are you "needing" people to say how great you are?Do you feel "unappreciated"?


OK, its time for you to stop. Seriously.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Could she possibly be having hormone issues? When I hit perimenopause I picked fights, was angry AND I lost my sex drive.


Usually by the time you are in your 60's you have surpassed "menopause" ..if they have been married 47 years..Even if she was 16 at marriage?That would put her at 63..I doubt she is having "perimenopause " issues..but who knows..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> OK, its time for you to stop. Seriously.


Why its a serious question..Maybe he does feel unappreciated.Thats why he has to mention all he does..


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Any idea how YOU sound Dallas?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Any idea how YOU sound Dallas?


Honest?

But that's O.K tell me how I "sound"?Then I will tell you how YOU sound.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Usually by the time you are in your 60's you have surpassed "menopause" ..if they have been married 47 years..Even if she was 16 at marriage?That would put her at 63..I doubt she is having "perimenopause " issues..but who knows..


True. So no it's not hormonal.

Just trying to help.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> True. Couldn't do the math in my head. So no it's not hormonal.


Yeah..47 years...she says "not happy" feels discontent isn't "hormones"...Al and Tipper Gore got divorced after 50 years of mariage..Oddly they had a child that died..I think killed in a car crash.(or hit by a car)..it wasn't "hormones"..


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Acorn said:


> If she is depressed, that probably explains her lack of effort, her dependence on you, and her lack of tact when she responded to your initial comment in the first post.
> 
> Doesn't help you much, but it at least explains a few things.


Very good point...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> Maybe he's genuinely confused. Chill. No one's negating your theory but it seems it's been covered and now new stuff is coming to light and some of it is really difficult.


O.K...:smcowboy:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Very good point...


Is she being or has he been treated for depression?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Maybe you got through it and she didn't?


No, we discussed that in length last night. It was the death of her youngest sister that she can't get over.....It has been almost 6 months and it still has her in a fog......


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Is she being or has he been treated for depression?


She cannot tolerate ssri's but had IC recently....However I don't think it helped...


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

After reading through your post (even through the nit-picky fighting by other posters which is really irritating) .... I think you are way underestimating the impact of her depression. Depression impacts the way we view everything in life. It appears that she may have some real issues here.... like she is in a mental dark hole and is just not able to get herself out of it. It may go back several years. Infact, her reluctance to have sex before your surgery....this may have been going on way back then. I think you should lovingly find a way to see if she would want some help. It could brighten both of your lives.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> No, we discussed that in length last night. It was the death of her youngest sister that she can't get over.....It has been almost 6 months and it still has her in a fog......


She needs grief therapy..6 months isn't a "long time" to get over any death let alone a close relative..KWIM?

Think of it this way..her passion for "them" her lost loved ones is the same passion she has in life and towards you ..its probably really deep...


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> No, we discussed that in length last night. It was the death of her youngest sister that she can't get over.....It has been almost 6 months and it still has her in a fog......


My father passing pretty much put my brother off the deep end for years - a strong and resilliant personality. Mom was a mess for about 5 years. I also watched my aunt completely come apart after her daughter died in a fairly ugly way and she has never quite recovered... so I have seen up close what loss can do to people. If she is in IC, that is a good thing - not everyone has the courage or the sense to do that. 6 months is still soon.

I know the few losses I have experienced changed me in unexpected ways. Not bad ways really - some good.. but it takes time to process and become part of you rather than being a consuming part of your life. That burden (for lack of a better word) sometimes made me feel like I wasnt myself.. because frankly.. I wasnt.

Its funny.. now I cry at unexpected times watching movies.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> Married 47 years...
> 
> Always worked, good provider....
> 
> ...


I didn't read many of the replies but after telling your wife that that you would do it all over again and cherish her until her dying day....and her responce was she felt short changed!!!!!!!!

WOW........ shes a cold person. that right their would have killed a fair portion of my undying love for her!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> She cannot tolerate ssri's but had IC recently....However I don't think it helped...


She may be a time and "tolerance" (like most of us are).Drugs wont fix us..Just time and tolerance.Not easy job for the ones giving time and tolerance..but works..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What I hear a bit of in your posts is that you want her to snap out of it, get over it and get fixed so she can meet your needs. While that might be the eventual goal, in my experience, women (particularly depressed women who are still grieving) don't really react all that positively to "fix yourself, woman, so you can get back to taking care of me!" I'm not saying that's the message you intend to send, but you may want to consider that something to that effect may be what your already depressed wife hears when you talk about these issues with her. If so, it will either piss her off or serve to make her even more depressed because she feels like she's failing you on top of everything else.

Perhaps MC might be a good addition to her IC, so that both of you have a safe place and a neutral third party to help each of you feel heard and understood?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> My father passing pretty much put my brother off the deep end for years - a strong and resilliant prssonality. I also watched my aunt completely come apart after her daughter died in a fairly ugly way and she has never quite recovered... so I have seen up close what loss can do to people. If she is in IC, that is a good thing - not everyone has the courage or the sense to do that. 6 months is still soon.


My mother has had SEVERE grief for 40 years over my father dying(her husband)..since I was 4 he died in a plane crash ..I grew up with grief.Litteral.Its one of the hardest parts of life..

Have mercy on your wife Woodchuck..if that's her issue..(((HUGS))))


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rowan said:


> What I hear a bit of in your posts is that you want her to snap out of it, get over it and get fixed so she can meet your needs. While that might be the eventual goal, in my experience, women (particularly depressed women who are still grieving) don't really react all that positively to "fix yourself, woman, so you can get back to taking care of me!" I'm not saying that's the message you intend to send, but you may want to consider that something to that effect may be what your already depressed wife hears when you talk about these issues with her. If so, it will either piss her off or serve to make her even more depressed because she feels like she's failing you on top of everything else.
> 
> Perhaps MC might be a good addition to her IC, so that both of you have a safe place and a neutral third party to help each of you feel heard and understood?


Great perspective.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I didn't read many of the replies but after telling your wife that that you would do it all over again and cherish her until her dying day....and her responce was she felt short changed!!!!!!!!
> 
> WOW........ shes a cold person. that right their would have killed a fair portion of my undying love for her!


It didn't. I REALLY love her and will till I die. She can't change that. All I want right now is for her to join me in the 5 love languages program and work with me.....

I know she has grief and depression issues. I just thank that becoming aware of how much I love her and giving her what she needs to be emotionally fulfilled will help her a lot. She picked the book, and I am going to push her to live up to it.

I held her hand through the death of her father, mother, grandparents, our son, and now two sisters. The death of her sister last August was the hardest. 

We live 200 miles away and she was tied to the phone 4-6 hours every day getting blow by blow descriptions of every agonizing detail by her needy clinging family.....I saw it take its toll over 6 months. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.........

At times I could actually see her physical deterioration on a daily basis....

Near the end her sisters drug addict son assaulted her on her death bed trying to get her car keys so he could sell it for dope....

I just want her to get with the program so maby she can feel a little happiness, and genuine love.......At this point I am willing to walk on hot coals if it would help...


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

You are a good husband, but I doubt your wife is looking at the world in the same way that you are at this moment. You want her to get with the program, but her goals may be completely different and much more modest...such as getting through the day or the minute without doing/thinking/remembering something awful. Your description of the last 6 months as a slow motion train wreck and the fact you could see her physically deteriorating, as if she was aging by the day, is very telling. 

Now is probably the time to set everything aside except for unconditional love, patience, and compassion. The things you're wanting aren't petty by any means, but her grief and pain sound profound, and your need for more attention may be getting lost in the maelstrom. It's understandable, both of your perspectives are. But I would advise maybe a bit more listening and patience on your end at the moment.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are a very good husband. I wish you both the best, and I hope your disconnect is short lived.

Sometimes it's hard to appreciate what we really have when things are tough. I hope with counseling, she will come out of her grief with a true appreciation of you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> It didn't. I REALLY love her and will till I die. She can't change that. All I want right now is for her to join me in the 5 love languages program and work with me.....
> 
> I know she has grief and depression issues. I just thank that becoming aware of how much I love her and giving her what she needs to be emotionally fulfilled will help her a lot. She picked the book, and I am going to push her to live up to it.
> 
> ...


you a truly a strong person!

your understanding of her and tolarence is amazing.

kudos to you.

best of luck!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

ok call me dense but after being with my wife for almost 38 years one of the hardest lessons for me to learn or comprehend (just recently got it) is that she didn't want me to bend myself into a pretzel to do for her. 

She needed to serve me........I still have trouble with that one as it is not my nature......go figure!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> It didn't. I REALLY love her and will till I die. She can't change that. All I want right now is for her to join me in the 5 love languages program and work with me.....
> 
> I know she has grief and depression issues. I just thank that becoming aware of how much I love her and giving her what she needs to be emotionally fulfilled will help her a lot. She picked the book, and I am going to push her to live up to it.
> 
> ...



I suspect that I have overstayed my welcome, maybe - but I was thingking about this last night.

I think the urge to help is both irresistable and good, but I have to guess you need to be patient with your wife... still. I admit it bothers me a little that what seem (to me) to be to be the biggest, most important issues here - you seemed to have completely omited in your first couple of posts. Perhaps you were just uncomfortable or not ready, I get that.

But I also think it is a mistake to see this as something you can 'fix' by grabbing it by the horns. I dont mean you should sit on your hands exactly either. Clearly you are exasperated wondering about what else you can do.. and I still think 6 months since the most recent loss is just not that long ago. 

swetecynamome suggested seeking help.. think about it - perhaps there are some grief or bereavement groups that can offer perspective or strategies that might help things between the 2 of you - or at least help with understanding. At this point - it almost seems to me that the 'short changed' comment that brought the past couple of years to a head.. well.. I guess I would try and just let that slide for now until you feel that the both of you are really back on stable ground. She may feel horrible about it, maybe she really meant it... but I would venture to guess that she is still mired in a whirlwind of emotions... and not to minimize what you are dealing with as well. Deal with the depression and take it very seriously.

You have been together a long time - hopefully you can lean on that relationship investment a little now when you both need it - when these largely external forces seem to be putting you both to the test.

Good luck.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Sounds to me like you're a good husband. I'm so sick of reading about husbands that do absolutely everything for their wives and then their wives say **** like that. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife did all those things you do for her and you told her you felt "short changed." Ugh.


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Sounds like a good marriage to me, these are what I woul call hiccups.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> My improvements have been specific to what was recommended by the book, and she has acknowledged them.......
> 
> So as your punt cruises past me. all oars in perfect sync to the coxwain, give a wave to us lesser beings as we paddle along.....
> 
> But isn't it hard to row a boat on top of mount Olympus????



I just wanted to applaud a very classy upbraiding. Bravo!:smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck, is it possible that her "short changed" comment wasn't really about you, but about her lot in life, in general? She's had an awful lot of heartache, do you think it's possible that heartache has skewed her perspective? 

You sound like a good husband so I just can't imagine, outside of some blackness that's settled over her heart, that she isn't recognizing your good points.

Secondly, I apologizeI skipped the second page, it just won't load and I don't know why, has she given you specifics on the areas of your relationship that she feels are not meeting her needs?

Lastly, it seems like she's spent her life caring for people who may or may not have had a good relationship with her. Loosing a sibling, seeing their children respond, being helpless to do anything due to other circumstances... Maybe being short changed was the time she had with them and that she regrets not making the best of it, not having her say with them or not fully making peace? Just a thought...


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