# Telling a parent his son is smoking pot



## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

I need some advice. Long story short, I know my BF's 16 year old son is smoking pot. He thinks his kids are angels. I don't want his son to hate me for bing a snitch, but I don't want to see him throw his life away if I could have stopped it. 
I'm not all that worried about it ending our relationship because if that is the case, it wasn't going to survive anyway. I'm also not interested in a blending my family with one that has a pot problem. Any advice or experience on how to handle this will be much appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Spellbound said:


> I need some advice. Long story short, I know my BF's 16 year old son is smoking pot. He thinks his kids are angels. I don't want his son to hate me for bing a snitch, but I don't want to see him throw his life away if I could have stopped it.
> I'm not all that worried about it ending our relationship because if that is the case, it wasn't going to survive anyway. I'm also not interested in a blending my family with one that has a pot problem. Any advice or experience on how to handle this will be much appreciated.


How about telling him with his son present? That way the son does not feel you are going behind his back.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you have a solid relationship with him, just tell him! And if you don't condone it, tell him that you refuse to put up with it! That's what I did to my RSXW that helped in our marriages demise!

My RSXW's minor kids all did pot and meth! When I informed her, all that I got back from her was, "I know and am not really concerned about it! All the kids are doing it!"

That's when I laid an ultimatum down saying that I didn't want that activity occurring with my kids or me present! So now you see where her priorities are!

All of her kids are still rich, arrogant, and all are 20+ year old substance abusers who have been convicted and jailed over their habit! Mama knows the best, pricey criminal defense attorneys!

But unlike me, her brand new new hubby keeps the peace by just seemingly and quietly keeping his mouth shut and summarily looking the other way!
*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spellbound said:


> I need some advice. Long story short, I know my BF's 16 year old son is smoking pot. He thinks his kids are angels. I don't want his son to hate me for bing a snitch, but I don't want to see him throw his life away if I could have stopped it.
> I'm not all that worried about it ending our relationship because if that is the case, it wasn't going to survive anyway. I'm also not interested in a blending my family with one that has a pot problem. Any advice or experience on how to handle this will be much appreciated.


Tell your bf exactly what you have written here.His son is using illegal drugs and you do not want to be exposed to it and you do not want your children exposed to drugs either.If he tries to play it down or even gets angry with you then you know where all future differences of opinion will lead.If the boy is carrying weed and happens to be in your car and you were stopped at a random checkpoint then you as the adult could be charged depending on where you live but I'm not sure if anywhere allows pot smoking at sixteen.
Do you want this on YOUR record.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I found out my angel was smoking pot the one time we took his phone and read his texts. We didn't normally so everything was completely unfiltered. He's a nerd child, so sweet and never a problem - I was shocked. To say that "everyone's doing it" seems to be the case in our affluent school. Mostly pot, some mushrooms, even acid (not my guy.) I learned that even "good kids" are doing these things. Not to condone, but if they can hide it that well, it can't be that huge a problem (yet). Mine is still top of his class in college.

I'd tell, but why does the kid have to know it came from you? Have the dad do his own snooping to confirm. If the kid knows you know, tell dad to lay low for awhile before bringing it up.

Of course people can be very weird/in denial about their kiddos. I'd be careful he not think this activity is reflective of his parenting skills. Honestly, if my guy is partaking, anyone could be. It wasn't normal in my day but seems to be the case in these parts. If you don't think so, then maybe you don't know...


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Maybe your boyfriend smokes pot too? Maybe he is hiding it from you? If you are not so into him as you express then what is it your business anyway? Maybe you are just looking for a reason to get out of your friendship with a nice man? I know plenty of kids who are really good people and achievers in life who happen to smoke pot. My 3 sons count among them. It is not a big deal. 

From your post you don't seem compatible with him. You should look for somebody else or broaden your thinking. What is your opinion of drinking? Do you? Do you want everyone you know to stop drinking too?

I am a child of the 60's. I was very straight laced until one day I wasn't anymore. Smoked pot, smoked with my wife of 50 years, smoke a few times with my mother, smoked in front of my kids when they were little (honesty is the best policy), I had the opportunity to explain about drug use and appropriate behavior. I get high with them now at times.... great times too. They all hold good jobs jobs, pay their bills and taxes, and are wonderful fathers.
Life is not a straight line to hell for everyone. Some of us have a good time along the way.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Well, we are talking about a 16 year old not an adult. When the child becomes an adult, then by all means, he can smoke pot all he wants in his own home. 

OP-You should just tell BF privately and he shouldn't be throwing you under the bus to this son. If he does, then you know where you stand.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Handle it exactly the same way that you would as if the 16 year old was drinking alcohol. In both cases, the item is illegal for a teenager to possess. Teenagers do things they aren't supposed to do all the time. Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is, just because it's "pot". And when approaching the father, don't use terms like "pot problem" or "throwing his life away." Because to anyone with a half way open mind on the subject, you look like the person with the problem, not the teenager - and it's the teenager whose behavior needs correcting at the moment...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Just tell him. Wait til you have a few moments alone and spit it out. If he has a problem with the pot use, he'll deal with it. If he doesn't, you've revealed an incompatibility and will have to decide whether or not you want to continue dating him.

I tend to say important things in the car. DH can't escape (  ) and I know the conversation is private.

*Typed while legally smoking pot


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Well, we are talking about a 16 year old not an adult. When the child becomes an adult, then by all means, he can smoke pot all he wants in his own home.
> 
> OP-You should just tell BF privately and he shouldn't be throwing you under the bus to this son. If he does, then you know where you stand.


My thoughts exactly. Tell the BF, and the outcome of that conversation will tell you exactly where you and the relationship stand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you know that the kid is smoking pot? What evidence do you have?


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

Thank you, everyone! I'm going to see him tomorrow so I can bring it up then. I've been a sounding board a lot for my BF. Often I'm just listening when he expresses concern about his kids. I don't offer much advice because I haven't been through the same situation. He ofter says, "They are good kids, they wouldn't drink." So I'm certain he will find pot use worrisome. My response to him has always been that good kids still do stupid things. 
I'm also sure if his son got busted while with dad, their mom would use it to gain full custody which would devastate him. 
How do I know? He was bragging about "hot boxing" with his friend in ear shot of my daughter when we had all the kids out for dinner. I'm quite sure he didn't think my daughter would pick up on it. It also made several other things suddenly make more sense. 
He is a wonderful man and I hope our relationship has a future, but I hope I'm never again so stupid as to believe that love conquers all and turn a blind eye to red flags. We haven't been dating that long and I haven't spend much time around his kids so I'm a very long way from saying this is my forever guy. My kids come first and I'm sure if my daughter tells her dad that I have her around a pot smoking teenager there will be big issures.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> *Typed while legally smoking pot


Now THIS explains some of your more, um.............unique posts! :grin2:


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I believe in not interfering in other people's lives because when you do, you alter their future. I smoked pot from the age of 16 until 50. I smoked it everyday if I could along with my girlfriends and then the girlfriend my wife and I shared for most of our marriage. I am very happily married for almost 45 years. I have been very successful in business despite my recreational use of marijuana. I smoked less than most men and women drink. Kind of hypocritical for a mother drinking wine all night or a dad having a few cocktails after work, to tell their son not to smoke pot. Never saw a fight with guys who smoked, but plenty of fights and illegal stuff from drunks. I also have an IQ that puts me in the top 1% of the population, got a college scholarship, excelled in football and baseball, and became one of the two top experts in my field worldwide. Even worked as an Alternate U.N. advisor and co-authored a reference book that is still the main source of information for that profession. Pot did not make me into a stoner who did nothing but smoke all day and make nothing of his life. In fact, all of my friends and couples we hung out with smoked weed. They are doctors, lawyers, chemist, CEO's, business owners and other professional people. Smoking weed was used the same way that alcohol is used in social situations. Plus it made sex very intense.

When I quit weed at age 50 I had to go back on the four medications that I was taking before I started smoking weed. The purpose of all of this is for you to think how different my life would have been if someone narc'd on me and it caused distrust with my parents and altered the course of my life. I would not have met my pot smoking friends, even the business ones that gave me business. I would not have met my wife of 44 years nor most of the girls I had sex with. I would not have left home at 18 so that I could smoke and have sex whenever I wanted to and ended up like many guys today living with their parents until they are close to 30. I can name a lot of things that would have been different had I not been a pot smoker. I love the life I have and marijuana did not have a negative impact on my life. I even did Cocaine, LSD, crack and smoked Opium and Heroin. I did not do these drugs all the time of course because I did work 10-12 hours a day and had to travel to 21 counties for business. I just like to try things for the experience. I never got hooked on anything and when I quit drugs, all that happened was a few days of poor sleep. That was it plus I had to go back on the medications I was taking for PTSD.

My whole life would have been different if someone like you turned me into my parents. I would have had all different friends, seen the world differently, kept attacking my wife during my sleep thinking she was the enemy after returning from combat, chronic insomnia. anxiety, stress and a few other things that pot kept in check. My first job was due to a fellow pot smoking friend telling me about a job opening in his company. He would not have been my friend since I only made friends with pot smokers.

When I look back on my life I realize that it was both the good and bad things that happened to me that put me where I am today. If my ex fiance did not cheat on me I would have had a lousy life because she is now married to a woman, is bipolar and hears angels talking to her. She now owns a business with her wife. She would not have been OK with moving 13 times for my career since she had her own. Had not one employer gone out of business, I would not have found the job that catapulted me into the spotlight. It is like the butterfly effect where even a small change alters the future. I do not meddle in other people's lives because doing so can ruin their life, all because they are doing something that I do not do or like.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

I am listening and I get your point. What happens when he finds what his son is doing and that I knew, but didn't tell him?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Spellbound said:


> I am listening and I get your point. What happens when he finds what his son is doing and that I knew, but didn't tell him?



You said it yourself already. Your words: "We haven't been dating that long and I haven't spend much time around his kids so I'm a very long way from saying this is my forever guy. "


If that scenario happens, just reiterate this point to him, that you are dating, but it hasn't been long enough that you felt comfortable enough to involve yourself in that level of family dynamic and you do not know all the details of this circumstance yet. If nothing else, when/if it does come up, you will also get a window as to how serious he views your relationship...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is there some reason you wouldn't talk to the kid instead of his parent??? That's what I'd do. My advice to the boy would be to be smart about it. Don't smoke it - eat it or vape it instead - less health risks. 

Many adults don't realize that when you take the 'forbidden' aspect of something away, kids will often suddenly lose interest in doing it.

But don't listen to me - I'm another once in a while pot smoker - I buy it off of my kids actually. Pot use has never been a big deal to me - less so than alcohol use actually.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

I think I'll wait and maybe talk to the boy. He is at his mom's right now. I'm actually not against pot in general, I'm against teenagers breaking laws that could seriously impact the adults in their life. I am equally concerned about the possibility that he is also drinking and that he and his friends are probably driving under the influence. Teenagers, including the "good kids," make bad choices, when mind altering substances are added to that the chance of making a serious mistake is huge. 
Then there are custody issues, his dad's would be suspended until it was investigated, and many other things that would make having a minor in the house busted worse than a typical adult being busted. 
Thank you EdoEdo, that is really solid advice. I'm kind of wondering if he is feeling in over his head and wants to get caught. It was pretty careless to talk in front of the other kids.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I thought hotboxing was farting under the covers and pulling the covers up over your spouses head. No?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I thought hotboxing was farting under the covers and pulling the covers up over your spouses head. No?


Because I am bored I googled it for you 

What is Hotboxing and What is the Fun in it? | The Weed Street Journal


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I thought hotboxing was farting under the covers and pulling the covers up over your spouses head. No?



My husband refers to it as the "dutch oven"...... not something I really ever wanted to experience..... 

Apparently when one farts silently, leaves the room and leaves a stench in their wake it's called "crop dusting"......


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

FIRST off I suggest you educate your self on weed. All the stuff they told you back in the day was BS. If the kid is a good kid the kid will be a good kid even if he smokes weed. 

Second just tell him and have evidence. No big deal

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Edo Edo said:


> Handle it exactly the same way that you would as if the 16 year old was drinking alcohol. In both cases, the item is illegal for a teenager to possess. Teenagers do things they aren't supposed to do all the time. Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is, just because it's "pot". And when approaching the father, don't use terms like "pot problem" or "throwing his life away." Because to anyone with a half way open mind on the subject, you look like the person with the problem, not the teenager - and it's the teenager whose behavior needs correcting at the moment...


PERFECTLY PUT

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

give dad the heads up. tell him hey bud I think your boy might be puffing weed. its his kid and he needs to know to handle it the way he wishes to.

it don't matter what anybody else thinks its his kid and his decision to handle it the way he sees fit as his parent.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

Thought I should follow up on this. I did eventually tell my boyfriend what I knew. He was grateful and was able to get someone his son looks up to to talk to him without the boy knowing he had been ratted out or creating tension. (General life conversation about good decisions and what a mess pot had made of his own son's life.) I'm glad I didn't keep it to myself. The boy is back in school and hanging with a different group of friends now and involved in athletics. BF and I are still dating


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Spellbound said:


> Thought I should follow up on this. I did eventually tell my boyfriend what I knew. He was grateful and was able to get someone his son looks up to to talk to him without the boy knowing he had been ratted out or creating tension. (General life conversation about good decisions and what a mess pot had made of his own son's life.) I'm glad I didn't keep it to myself. The boy is back in school and hanging with a different group of friends now and involved in athletics. BF and I are still dating


I'm glad to know it worked out well, and this didn't hurt your relationship.

And now you know that your boyfriend values your opinion and trusts you. He's not the type to jump to the "my kid is perfect and you don't know what you're talking about!" conclusion; he believed you, and he also handled the situation well. This is a good sign. I think he might be a keeper


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