# Cooking "tips"?



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hey, y'all have been so great with your advice for me. I have another question for both sexes,, do y'all ladies let your hubbies comment negatively on your cooking? 

I mean things like 'this is too dry, cook it less next time' or 'this doesnt have enough flavor' ...

It drives me insane... I feel like he's micromanaging me and trying to control everything I do in the kitchen. 

I don't HAVE to cook for him (he rarely cooks for me!), it's a favor. I'm in school nights AND working full time. So when he does these comments I get down on myself and don't want to cook for him at all.

Why can't he just find something nice to say about my cooking? I tell him I want at least a LITTLE positive feedback but he says, "I won't lie just to make you feel better." Well, ok, jerk! Thing is, I know my cooking's good because all my friends used to rave about my dinner parties when I was a single gal.

I used to love the act of cooking but he has sucked out all the fun. And I have a feeling he's trying to control me because I just asked him not to bring a flirtatious friend of his on our (granted, with a large group of friends) vacation. he agreed but now seems resentful.

Do any other women experience this? How do you deal with it?

Thanks y'all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you feel bad about his comments.
Tell him while you appreciate his honesty, his comments sometimes come across as harsh and make you feel unappreciated.

Does he like anything you cook?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

I've told him I feel taken for granted (I'm not his personal cook!) and that his comments only make me want to cook less and buy more frozen dinners or take-out. 

He says he always feels thankful when I cook (but somehow forgets to say that and goes right into the criticism, no matter how many times I tell him I want him to say something nice for ONCE!)


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

If I make something my husband doesn't like he won't say anything, just pushes it around his plate and won't eat it. That doesn't happen often as I've been cooking for 40 years and have gotten pretty good at it. If he did criticize my efforts, he would find himself scrounging around for his own food.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You remind me of the missus' cooking, and her alien recipes - fit for extra-terrestrials (and maybe dogs) but not human.

The problem in my case is = I own a restaurant. So it's my line of work to pump out food that makes people go "Hmmm" and back for more. When the missus cooks... AAAAAARGH!



> "I won't lie just to make you feel better." Well, ok, jerk! Thing is, I know my cooking's good because all my friends used to rave about my dinner parties when I was a single gal.


Damn, you think just like the missus! Well in my case, I'm a professional which sets standards high, I'm honest with my criticisms  Nonetheless a part of me does imagine me and my daughter when she grows up making jokes about "mum's cooking!"

Hehehe I can't wait



> I used to love the act of cooking but he has sucked out all the fun. And I have a feeling he's trying to control me because I just asked him not to bring a flirtatious friend of his on our (granted, with a large group of friends) vacation. he agreed but now seems resentful.


Thats what makes it hard to criticise, the missus has been cooking for me even when we were just dating. She loves it. But damn...

You have to be more open to criticism in my opinion. At least in my case it's constructive. Like, THOU SHALT NOT DEFROST THY FISH WITH HOT DARN WATER... soggy soggy soggy, oh hey how did that happen... *sighs*


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

It's sooooo annoying! He says, he's telling me what he likes, so that next time, I can make him happy with it. AHHH! Just writing out his words makes me angry!!!

And he "claims" that he "wants" me to criticize *his* cooking just the same... yeah right! He'd shoot my comments down in a second.

I'm definitely not going to be cooking anything for a while. Which is sad because I love cooking (for MYSELF!)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could try telling him "Can you make this dish next time so I can see how you like it to taste?"


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You could try telling him "Can you make this dish next time so I can see how you like it to taste?"


Good idea


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As a professional I have to be honest - you need this. Constructive criticism and not "OMG it's beautiful" comments are what you need.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> As a professional I have to be honest - you need this. Constructive criticism and not "OMG it's beautiful" comments are what you need.


But you're a professional and I'm not. Your job is cooking--you should be criticized on it--and my job is to be at an office and then go to school 2 nights a week. I get enough criticism from my boss and professors. Don't need it from my hubby.

I could just as easily buy him dinners from the restaurant next door, and that way I don't have to deal with his negativity. Why wouldn't I do that instead?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

The most annoying ones are "This needs more salt" ... So stand up from your seat and go get the damn salt!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yet I'm a good cook and the missus is horrible - putting aside professionalism -> can't you see the virtue of being able to accept honest criticism?

Sorry I'm being harsh but, I want to be honest.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah I absolutely can see the value in honest criticism. I ask him for his honest opinion on stuff all the time, from my relationships to the paintings I make in my free time.

But really, I only want it when I ask for it, unless I'm harming him in some way or offending him. Cooking can be a huge chore--an uneccessary one at that, considering our many healthy, delicious local takeout options--and receiving criticism about it makes it all the less attractive to me.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Dude, needing more salt doesn't mean she's a bad cook. I don't think we're talking haute cuisine here. Is it the dishes you make or the way you prepare them he doesn't like? OR, does he prefer his Mama's cooking? Big problem for a new wife because nothing you make will be like hers.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I guess I can understand that in that case.



> But really, I only want it when I ask for it, unless I'm harming him in some way or offending him. Cooking can be a huge chore--an uneccessary one at that, considering our takeout options--and receiving criticism about it makes it all the less attractive to me.


That's what you should say to hubby. Tell him this, that sometimes too much is just too much.

Nonetheless to 'resolve' my issue I began helping her cook whenever I got the time. So now she's rather 'bearable', but sometimes she still goes wild and cooks up another alien dish. And I'm worse than your hubby when it happens, I go "DARN IT WOMAN! DO I LOOK GREEN? I don't eat martian food!"


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband is lucky, his mother is a good cook, and his wife is a good cook. 

But there were still times he didn't want to eat what I cooked. And I am sure there will be times in the future he doesn't want to eat what I cook. 

Sometimes my imagination didn't go very well, so I cooked something not that great, he said sorry, then he just stopped eating, I had to throw the entire dish away. 

I don't feel bad about my cooking, I don't feel insulted that he didn't like what I cooked. We make mistakes, so what! Improve it next time!

But I do think he needs to use a more positive way to encourage you rather than make you feel bad. 

When you cook good food, he should give you good compliments. 

If he only says negative things about your cooking, he is not being an encouraging husband.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

grizabella said:


> Dude, needing more salt doesn't mean she's a bad cook. I don't think we're talking haute cuisine here. Is it the dishes you make or the way you prepare them he doesn't like? OR, does he prefer his Mama's cooking? Big problem for a new wife because nothing you make will be like hers.


Well I used to make elaborate dishes for him--exotic food like falafel and fancy French and Italian dishes.

But since he's been complaining over our 2 yrs of marriage I've gradually disengaged and now I'm just using a crock pot. Which takes out the fun of cooking for me, and which, of course, is still not perfect enough for him because it's either over or under cooked. 

The thing is, it's never good enough! I could make something that to me and my coworkers (many of whom are into culinary stuff) tastes amazing and he will still find something "corrective" to say! Even if it's just "oh, you should add xyz next time" 

argggggh just say something appreciative and positive for ONCE!

And yet he never offers to cook the recipes himself. Interesting...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife and I both enjoy cooking. Neither one of us are pros at it, but we cook what we like and we do a very good job of it.
Often, we will ask each other what they would like cooked and then do it. 99% of the time, it's good and we lavish praise for it. Sometimes, something is out of whack and we are honest about it. Sometimes, that honesty stings a little.
How about asking your husband what he would like, cooking it, then at mealtime ask for his opinion. If it's not to his liking, how can it be corrected?
Then tell him, "Tomorrow, you get to make XXXXXXX for me and we'll see how it turns out."
If you are both working full time then there is no reason why you do all the cooking. Men are just as capable at making the family dinner as women are.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> When you cook good food, he should give you good compliments.





> argggggh just say something appreciative and positive for ONCE!


How about "OMG It's actually edible!" 
Heh I'm such an ass, this is why you don't marry a man who works in a restaurant. I'm used to an autocratic style of management when dealing with shocking jobs by my workers in the workplace. It's a sensitive business.



> And yet he never offers to cook the recipes himself. Interesting...


Trust me it can be worse!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I was in a different situation than some. My mother was a horrendous cook. I literally remember two times the fire department had to be called when she tried to cook a turkey. I never complained, though, because she worked outside the home. 

I mention that to offer that my deliriously happy state when my wife cooked made her push herself harder and harder to cook better. We had a friend who spent a small fortune trying to replicate her mystic pizza. And just thinking about her coq au vin makes my mouth water. When we have the first autumn snow, she makes a chicken noodle soup with vermouth that makes great memories. I could keep going. 

For my wife, saying positive or affirming things is really hard. She's very practical. So, I learned to see that her cooking was her way of showing that she loved me. The fact that I have a rare, but minor muscle metabolism disorder means that she has to cook two versions of most meals. One for me, and the other for everyone else.

I've never once offered practical criticism of her food. She works really hard in her job, so the cooking is a plus. For two years in college, I was a chef since I did most of the cooking for my mother growing up, so I also try to respect her by doing my share, and ignoring the sad faces of the kids when its my night to cook. I just know her well enough to know that criticism would blow a really good deal I've got going on. My opportunity for input is asked for when she tries something new, so thats the rules for us.

I have one suggestion for adjusting your husband's approach: learn to say "oops!" recognize that most stoves operate at a range from low to thermonuclear, and hug the thermonuclear side of the setting for a while. Skimming the unburnt casserole off the top does wonders for putting things into perspective. (Just kidding !!! - maybe??)


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> I was in a different situation than some. My mother was a horrendous cook. I literally remember two times the fire department had to be called when she tried to cook a turkey. I never complained, though, because she worked outside the home.
> 
> I mention that to offer that my deliriously happy state when my wife cooked made her push herself harder and harder to cook better. We had a friend who spent a small fortune trying to replicate her mystic pizza. And just thinking about her coq au vin makes my mouth water. When we have the first autumn snow, she makes a chicken noodle soup with vermouth that makes great memories. I could keep going.
> 
> ...


I used to love making coq au vin! Even soufflees and homemade icecream and pastries and croissants and my friends loved it too!

I think for me it's more about the fact it's never good enough for him. I can taste my food and I can know if it's overcooked or not too--big deal, I know I'm not a bad person if I didn't get the oven thing right. 

It's that I just spent 3 hours in our non air conditioned hot kitchen (after working 9 hours and being in class 2 hours) and the first thing he has to say is, "This isn't very flavorful." ...????

He's the same when we eat out. In our 6 years of being together, he's thought maybe 2 restaurants were worth the money he paid. So maybe (revelation!) this isn't my problem 

I just wish my husband had your attitude, which is that I work full time AND go to school nights... the cooking IS a plus!!

You're a smart man for not messing up the good thing you've got going.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It does hurt at times knowing how harsh I am to the missus' cooking, she always took care of me, still remember the old days, when I was sick, she drove 1 hr to my place to cook for me.

The best way I know how to get her to improve on her cooking is to help her hands-on I guess. As for your husband, you can always try to say he can't cook for sh-t anyway. Still... I want her to cook good, I really do, she has the passion, but damn, I don't know where she gets her ideas from at times.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

It sounds like you're saying this is more about his attitude than his taste buds. Is he critical about other aspects of your marriage? Do you feel underappreciated in other areas? We all know positive reinforcement is the road to improvement and if he is incapable of it perhaps it is his passive-aggressive way of telling you he isn't happy in general or he could just be a controlling schmuck. Either way it sounds like you are overworked and tired and need some TLC. Can you just ask for it?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

grizabella said:


> It sounds like you're saying this is more about his attitude than his taste buds. Is he critical about other aspects of your marriage? Do you feel underappreciated in other areas? We all know positive reinforcement is the road to improvement and if he is incapable of it perhaps it is his passive-aggressive way of telling you he isn't happy in general or he could just be a controlling schmuck. Either way it sounds like you are overworked and tired and need some TLC. Can you just ask for it?


I totally agree with you about positive reinforcement. 

He totally disagrees. He says he grew up in (what I view as a constantly critical and controlling) household where, if someone didnt like what the other was doing, they said it and that person changed immediately. He thinks that's how you "help improve" people. Through uncensored criticism. And if you have to censor yourself with the criticism, it's akin to cutting off your precious self expression. 

Please.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He totally disagrees. He says he grew up in (what I view as a very critical) household where, if someone didnt like what the other was doing, they said it and that person changed immediately. So he thinks that how you help "improve" people. Through uncensored criticism. And if you have to censor yourself with the criticism it's akin to cutting off your self expression. Please.


This seems to be a 'cultural' difference and possible misunderstanding.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> This seems to be a 'cultural' difference and possible misunderstanding.


Maybe... I'm startin to feel jealous of all y'all who fell in love with an American


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> I totally agree with you about positive reinforcement.
> 
> He totally disagrees. He says he grew up in (what I view as a constantly critical and controlling) household where, if someone didnt like what the other was doing, they said it and that person changed immediately. He thinks that's how you "help improve" people. Through uncensored criticism. And if you have to censor yourself with the criticism, it's akin to cutting off your precious self expression.
> 
> Please.


Its sorta funny though, when you look at a work place analogy; I work in a technical management position, and used to teach classes on leadership internally within my company. This critical style of communication tends to only work with minimum wage employees, and even then its doubtful. The guys I manage tend to be the creme of the crop. The most effective way to make them challenge themselves and find contentment in their career is to enforce their belief that they can do anything, and praise them when they model the right behaviors. Its textbook. And yes, I've managed groups where even one minor mixup can force me to charter a private jet to ferry prototype parts in order to meet the customer's demand, and this harsh frankness mode usually made me get lots of calendars and other goodies from the private airline for keeping their planes in the air. Works short term, but disastrous if you want committment from another person.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> This seems to be a 'cultural' difference and possible misunderstanding.


I agree with this, there is a misunderstanding of context. I know how you feel when you cook a meal that you had to take every last bit of energy to make and nobody likes it but you. It sucks. Ask him to do some cooking and take the load. Then perhaps he will understand more about where you are coming from.

My wife and I are highly critical of each others cooking but we have an understanding of context. The goal is to converge the meal to something great. However we use a lot of positive feedback as well and rate meals according to how often we could stand to eat it before we needed something else. This would provide the absolute basis which would differentiate the smaller critizisms. I also had to educate my palatte a bit to differentiate between sugar/salt used in cooking versus applied afterwords. Once I understood the taste difference I could understand where she was coming from when she didn't like some of the things I made. Make him cook, make him understand.

A month or so ago she made a great apricot stuffed pork roll that was as good as a meal from Gary Danko in San Francisco. There was nothing wong with it. It was one of the greatest meals I had and after a hard day at work no less. She used the time stuck in traffic to invent it. I still rave about it to her.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Its sorta funny though, when you look at a work place analogy; I work in a technical management position, and used to teach classes on leadership internally within my company. This critical style of communication tends to only work with minimum wage employees, and even then its doubtful. The guys I manage tend to be the creme of the crop. The most effective way to make them challenge themselves and find contentment in their career is to enforce their belief that they can do anything, and praise them when they model the right behaviors. Its textbook. And yes, I've managed groups where even one minor mixup can force me to charter a private jet to ferry prototype parts in order to meet the customer's demand, and this harsh frankness mode usually made me get lots of calendars and other goodies from the private airline for keeping their planes in the air. Works short term, but disastrous if you want committment from another person.


Totally with you on that. 

I don't understand how some people don't get it. Don't they realize they themselves feel good and empowered when others build them up? And bad and discouraged when they're only criticized? It's so logical.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I was 22 when my now ex-husband and I met. I couldn’t hardly boil water. Swear, not exaggerating. I once put artichokes in a pot with the steamer insert, added the water, put the lid on it and went about a few other things as I figured it would take awhile. Apparently I did not realize exactly how much water was supposed to be in that pot. Oh, and also that EVERYTHING does not get cooked on high. My husband and I came in from outside and he said, “What’s burning?!”  Ooofff!!! We went into the kitchen the pour little Calphalon pot (part of our wedding gift registry) was smoking . The pot had also apparently gotten so hot, the rivets which connected the handle started to soften a tad. My husband quickly grabbed a kitchen towel (heck, I didn’t own a pot holder) to removed the pot from the burner. Still being extremely hot thru the towel, he didn’t get one step towards the sink and had to set it down on the floor. Although his reaction was very quick to pick it back up and continue towards the sink, the pot had melted a huge hole through the thick kitchen rug. Thank goodness it didn’t melt the actual flooring because being newly weds we were living in a rented house at that time.

Now, that was like 16 years ago and after many kitchen and meal blunders, I was determined to get some of it right. The hurtful part was, no matter how much better my cooking and baking got, he never gave me credit. It was stuck in his head that I was a bad cook, and his supposedly joking comments throughout the years began to hurt. I’ll be the first to admit I was terrible years back. However his continual joking and even nitpicking, did not help to raise my confidence. 

My grandfather was a professional chef. Many of my aunts and my mother are amazing cooks. I always thought I just got skipped in that department. 

Since we divorced, I’ve cooked, baked and barbecued for others who praise and rave about what I’ve prepared. In the past three years I have grown more confident and actually enjoy cooking now. Funny how a little praise and recognition can help us all. What does it truly cost another to give it?


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

He should feel lucky you are cooking for him at all. My wife is not only too lazy to cook, she is too lazy to eat unless it comes out of a package and she can just stuff it in her mouth. Seriously! The woman would live off lunch meat and bread if I wasn’t around to feed her or cart her around to restaurants for a proper meal. 

Cheers,

rotor


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This isn't about cooking. He's taken something she enjoyed and was proud of and is using it to undermine her confidence and it is also something that she has to do, or starve or eat out of a can.

I would, personally, start taking cooking advice from the guys who work behind the meat and fish counter. Take your H shopping with you and stop to chat with your new friends you make when seeking such advice. Let your H hear the cooking advice. If he complains about cooking, say, wow, I will have to let so-and-so know that I messed up, and have them explain to me again how to cook this fish/meat/chicken properly. Also, sign up for a co-ed cooking class, one that meets twice a week so you can eat in class and not have to cook at home those nights. Then invite your classmates over for dinner once in a while. And their husbands. 

But alas, once you have this mastered, he will start complaining about the laundry. 

I forget how long you've been married.
If you know him well you could dump a pot of lukewarm spaghetti over his head and start laughing at him. Mr Noodles! This is how the Sicilian women in my family that I admired would have handled it. Or the next night serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with paper umbrellas on luau-themed plates. Wear a hula skirt. And nothing else. Tell him it is a theme dinner, you read about it in a new woman's magazine cooking section, that said all husbands enjoy this dinner. 

I remember I had issue with my ex. So one night I decided to cook a disgusting recipe I saw in a cookbook I had that was otherwise full of fabulous southern recipes from a coastal Louisianan town. It was sweet and sour tuna fish. Well, he liked it. We all did. But the truth is, I made it to even a score.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Do you think your husband criticizes you to control you and keep you in line? If he puts you down all the time, it makes him feel less vulnerable with you. It could be that he's really insecure and uses the criticism to ease his insecurities. It's obviously not okay and if he is doing other things to make you feel insecure, I would question where your relationship is going.


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## geogirl (May 29, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> Yeah I absolutely can see the value in honest criticism. I ask him for his honest opinion on stuff all the time, from my relationships to the paintings I make in my free time.
> 
> But really, I only want it when I ask for it, unless I'm harming him in some way or offending him. Cooking can be a huge chore--an uneccessary one at that, considering our many healthy, delicious local takeout options--and receiving criticism about it makes it all the less attractive to me.


Gently telling him " I don't recall asking for your opinion, but thanks." end of conversation.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My grandfather's second wife was a food critic, chef and cookbook author. My mother's grandfather was the head chef at the Waldorf. My mother is an excellent chef and enjoyed it. I have learned to lower my standards. I am happy with whatever she makes because honestly, it's the last thing she does for me.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

Guys and gals speak different languages. What may seem like a criticism to you may actually be him trying to help you. Guys try to solve problems and come up with solutions. This is their way of helping others and feeling needed. When guys solicit feedback, they are expecting their other bros to give them honest opinions to make the situation as best it can be. Asking for advice or suggestions is a sign of respect for the one being asked and giving that advice or suggestion shows a genuine caring for the other dude, not to mention wanting to give the other guy the best advice and most honest answers possible since the guy respected him enough to ask him in the first place. I have a feeling that he does not see it as controlling or even insulting. Offering suggestions and giving honest opinions is his way of showing he loves you and cares about you. This may sound like a cop out but guys really are oblivious to comments like that and how a woman could perceive it. They're not used to speaking our language and may not even know they are being hurtful or negative. Hopefully explaining to him how you communicate differently and how your intentions are different than his will clear up at least some of the situation.

As for the unwanted invitation on the vacation situation, he may be rebelling, still wanting to do what he wants without consideration of his spouse. I would focus more on this issue and not have it be an afterthought on your post. The bulk of your post was on the communication problem but that's all I think it is, a case of miscommunication. Whereas this other issue you mentioned in passing at the end is really more of what should be the focus. That appears to be a bit more malicious and troubling to me.


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