# Brain washed to your preference



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This is a spin off from another thread...

We were all raised in a certain way that created biases, preference, discrimination... I don’t know what the word is but the way we were raised made us view the opposite gender a certain way, how they should be, how you want them to be ect. We were all brained washed. And now our taste in the opposite sex reflects that brainwashing. A stereotypical example would be for a man to always have a good job. 

Maybe my biases are more than average because I am Christian. I know there are certain ways people down south think about gender that is different than the north. For example my friend from the south would never be with a guy that doesn’t have a gun and like to shoot. That’s because of the way she was raised and what she finds attractive. My friend from the north would never date a man who made any kind of homophobic joke or use any homophobic word. 

Anyway... does anyone have any examples of what they like/don’t like in the opposite sex because of how they were raised?

Oh and btw let’s be honest and not judgemental about our judgements!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I do not like angry ladies.
More often than not.... angry.
Angry, except when they are sleeping.

Even when sleeping, no angry screams in the night.
With my name attached, embedded in the shout, the spite. 

Growing up people were more reserved, more civil. 
Not nicer, no, just more polite, less talk, less angry drivel.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I cannot say that I now hold something to be true or absolute just because I was raised a certain way. I know I was raised by parents who had certain biases or habits or viewpoints - because I was raised by humans. But I don't really think "well, Mom said people who play guitar are hippies so I guess that guy with the guitar is a hippie" lol. Neither of my parents seemed racists at all when I was growing up. I had friends of a variety of colors and races, as did they. However, looking back I CAN see that almost all those friends they had were in a similar educational and socioeconomic category, so maybe there WAS bias that I didn't see at the time. However, when my own oldest had a crush on a person of a different race, my dad was surprisingly not very pleased. I was disappointed in him.

I grew up with certain values and beliefs. I questioned those in a variety of ways. Now I find myself still believing the core of those things, not because of "my raising," but because after doing my own searching and questioning, I find value in them. Some things I abandoned.

It is, I believe, part of adulthood to arrive at one's own conclusions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I was raised to accept all people to the best of my ability and treat them largely as equals. 

But anyone who remotely looks down their nose at me and self-justifyingly relegates me to being inferior to them because of my perceived "inferior" wealth, educational, religious, or social status!

Normally, I'm a pretty nice guy! But if this happens to me or to anyone whom I care deeply about, then let's just say that I can get reciprocally rude!*


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I guess what I was referring to is not racist stuff but personal preference. I guess it’s hard to explain, or maybe my stbxh and I are more preferential than most. 

For example my husband was raised in a traditional patriarch family where women should behave a certain way that is “proper”, so now he can’t help but be grossed out when he sees women do certain things. He can’t help how he feels and knows it’s antiquated but it’s hard to change feelings.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I knew this girl from a friend that was brought up with such stitch etiquette, she was an elitist, nyc rich snob of a person... anyway she was raised by strict parents that beat into her proper table manners and basically was taught that this is how you can tell the difference between people like “us” and people not like us. It was a crazy conversation that I thought was so interesting. But it was small little things that apparently “those” types of people judge you on. 
Obviously I don’t care but I thought it was very interesting how people select a potential mate based on these things.

It reminded me of like great Gatsby... how no amount of money will make him fit in to that old waspy born into family or whatever.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I know that I was brainwashed with the “happy wife happy life” theory. Some see it as a catch phrase but where I was raised it was the beginning and end of marriage advice given to young men about to get married. The premise being that if you bend to your wife and she is happy she will in turn want to make you happy. What it got me was walked all over and eventually cheated on.


I currently don’t live where I was raised, and with good reason. But I still hear this phrase from people back home Often on Facebook. I even saw an house hunters episode a few months ago in my home state and the husband made that very statement at least 3 times in the show. Thankfully I have grown and learned. Relationships should be about the Happiness of both genders not just the female. I would say that most of the way relationships were presented to me I have now flipped a 180 on.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

I was indoctrinated with religion and racism in the Deep South. I have been relieved of both of those and found love and compassion to have served me very well instead.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My father was a very dominating type of person and my mother literally hid in the bedroom for much of everyday, she had responsibilities she fulfilled but the rest of the time she was quiet and out of sight. But as a kid you just accept the environment you live in as your normal right? I'm embarrassed to admit this but as a kid I treated my mom badly as well, never physically abusive but treated more like a servant than a mom. Once I got into my teens I realized how wrong things were and became my mothers protecter and benefactor for the remainder of her life.

I used most of my childhood as an example of how NOT to live my life. I went to other extreme with women, I became the "white knight" "good guy" kind, which truthfully didn't serve me very well during my marriage because my wife did anything she wanted whenever she wanted, even at the sacrifice of our family and marriage, and I let her. 

My bias is certainly toward "saving" women, I will help males as well but not to the extant I will help a woman. So yes my upbringing did "brainwash" me to treat women a certain way, then I brainwashed myself into treating them the opposite.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Cooper said:


> My father was a very dominating type of person and my mother literally hid in the bedroom for much of everyday, she had responsibilities she fulfilled but the rest of the time she was quiet and out of sight. But as a kid you just accept the environment you live in as your normal right? I'm embarrassed to admit this but as a kid I treated my mom badly as well, never physically abusive but treated more like a servant than a mom. Once I got into my teens I realized how wrong things were and became my mothers protecter and benefactor for the remainder of her life.
> 
> I used most of my childhood as an example of how NOT to live my life. I went to other extreme with women, I became the "white night" "good guy" kind, which truthfully didn't serve me very well during my marriage because my wife did anything she wanted whenever she wanted, even at the sacrifice of our family and marriage, and I let her.
> 
> My bias is certainly toward "saving" women, I will help males as well but not to the extant I will help a woman. So yes my upbringing did "brainwash" me to treat women a certain way, then I brainwashed myself into treating them the opposite.


I can really identify with your experience as I have had the same experiences. As far as the "white knighting", I have found it most effective to convey. through my words and actions, the very important fact that I am doing it because I respect her as a woman and a person. I do not give away any of myself but instead am giving her the respect that I MAINTAIN for myself. I'm not educated and have a hard time expressing my thought/ideas but continue to white knight, just do it while maintaining your own respect and dignity. You want her to feel that you are bringing her up to a level of being respected and not going down to wallow in pity or despair that she might be suffering at the hands of others. That seems to be the difference in my experience....if that made ANY sense at all. Once you get there, you are no longer white knighting but are a seen as a knight who wears white when appropriate.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's interesting to see the generalizations we choose to make based solely on our own individual version of uobringing.

One would hope we could eventually understand how inaccurate that is.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> It's interesting to see the generalizations we choose to make based solely on our own individual version of uobringing.
> 
> One would hope we could eventually understand how inaccurate that is.




I understand what your saying but even when someone knows something is wrong and not accurate doesn’t mean that it changes how they FEEL about it. 

For example I am totally attracted to a certain type of man that I know is not good for me, and usually, not to generalize but usually they are entitled douche bags. But when I see one that doesn’t change the fact that I am drawn to them if that makes sense.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Cooper and @PigglyWiggly I find that very interesting. But do you guys know why you do it? Is it because you want to prove to yourself that you are not like your dad or something?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I don't know that I was brainwashed into any particular preferences. I think that, as a result of growing up in upper-middle-class suburbs, I was never attracted to women that weren't educated or intellectually curious.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> This is a spin off from another thread...
> 
> We were all raised in a certain way that created biases, preference, discrimination... I don’t know what the word is but the way we were raised* made us* view the opposite gender a certain way, how they should be, how you want them to be ect. *We were all brained washed*. And now our taste in the opposite sex reflects that brainwashing. A stereotypical example would be for a man to always have a good job.


No. Some parents, luckily mine included, are able to teach their children critical thinking and emotional health.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> No. Some parents, luckily mine included, are able to teach their children critical thinking and emotional health.




That’s awesome, your luckier than you will ever realize.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> This is a spin off from another thread...
> 
> We were all raised in a certain way that created biases, preference, discrimination... I don’t know what the word is but the way we were raised made us view the opposite gender a certain way, how they should be, how you want them to be ect. We were all brained washed. And now our taste in the opposite sex reflects that brainwashing. A stereotypical example would be for a man to always have a good job.


But we were also taught, in public schools and in all religions, that when we become adults, our job changes - instead of getting rules from everybody else, it is now time for us to create our own and abandon those which don't help us become the human beings we can become. In case you need biblical evidence, the story of David in the Old Testament should do.



katiecrna said:


> Maybe my biases are more than average because I am Christian. I know there are certain ways people down south think about gender that is different than the north. For example my friend from the south would never be with a guy that doesn’t have a gun and like to shoot. That’s because of the way she was raised and what she finds attractive. My friend from the north would never date a man who made any kind of homophobic joke or use any homophobic word.


Yick. You just painted everybody in the south with a brush that's WAY too broad. I lived, as a single man, in the South. I have no objection to guns, but I've never needed one to accomplish my life, and they never appealed as a hobby. I use bullets - they're part of a particular method I use to get rid of gophers, but they go into loaded underground traps, not guns.

When I lived in the south, as a transplant from the north, the women I dated LOVED the fact that I wasn't into guns...they were TIRED of "all men are into guns". I suspect this varies with locale. I was near Atlanta. In cities, the purpose of a gun is to kill people. In rural areas (such as where I lived until recently) guns are to kill the critters that are stalking your livestock.

I would also say, having lived in Michigan, that there are PLENTY of homophobes in the north.

The worst thing you can do for your ability to get along with people is to make assumptions about their character, what they do or don't believe, based on where they're from, how they were raised, color of their skin, etc. It is racism, even if not directed at ethnicity.



katiecrna said:


> Anyway... does anyone have any examples of what they like/don’t like in the opposite sex because of how they were raised?
> 
> Oh and btw let’s be honest and not judgemental about our judgements!


Like most adults, what I like in women has evolved over the years based on my experiences. For example, I avoid women who wear makeup often and wear fashionable clothing. Not because of anything I was taught as a youth or any beliefs from where I was raised, but because the several dozen women I've known who wore makeup and fashionable clothing had very high financial expectations, loved to spend money and were high maintenance. Now, that's not saying ALL fashionable women are high maintenance, but it does suggest that the fashionable women who find ME appealing tend to be. So I avoid them.

Yes, let's not judge our judgements, but let's also be honest and admit the damage we do by expecting every (or even most) individuals in a group to behave the same.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Thank you Dusty Dog


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

katiecrna said:


> @Cooper and @PigglyWiggly I find that very interesting. But do you guys know why you do it? Is it because you want to prove to yourself that you are not like your dad or something?


My goal wasn't necessarily to prove I was different than my father but I certainly wanted different dynamics for my life and family than what I experienced.

I grew into a very capable and resourceful person, a lot of things that are an overwhelming struggle for some I handle easily. That being said it's one of the reasons I fall into the fixer role, plus I like seeing people in my life be happy. 

Luckily I didn't raise my kids to be spoiled or entitled. While they were raised in a comfortable life there was a lot of "earn it or figure it out" mentoring on my part, I was always happy to help but I had to see effort on their part. 

Also these days I steer clear of women who's life is an ongoing project, I finally learned to be selfish!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> It's interesting to see the generalizations we choose to make based solely on our own individual version of uobringing.
> 
> One would hope we could eventually understand how inaccurate that is.


 Tribe mentality is human nature. Social constructs are as well to a lesser degree.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Cooper said:


> My goal wasn't necessarily to prove I was different than my father but I certainly wanted different dynamics for my life and family than what I experienced.
> 
> I grew into a very capable and resourceful person, a lot of things that are an overwhelming struggle for some I handle easily. That being said it's one of the reasons I fall into the fixer role, plus I like seeing people in my life be happy.
> 
> ...


100% yes. No more white knighting for me. Either come to the table a whole person and willing to contribute or not interested. I won’t hold and maintain a relationship by myself ever again


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am heteroflexible in that I identify as a straight male, am not sexually attracted to me and yet because I do not find any sex acts between consenting adults to be abhorrent, I can have sex with a man under the right circumstances. I have had sex with two males when I was a teenager just to try it and all that I enjoyed about it was the orgasm and no sexual attraction. As a result I have not done that since but if my wife wanted to get into a MMF threesome and got me aroused after a few drinks, the world is full of possibilities. 

That is me. My first fiancé is bi. My second girlfriend is bi and the third love of my life, my wife, is bi. Do not know why that since the age of 15 all of my relationships have bee with bi women who I did not know were bi until well into the relationship. My theory is that the women felt safe with me since I am not homophobic and very sexual liberal. My wife was raised very strictly both morally and religiously. My wife's theory is that after sex with me, the girls all turn to women. 

She did not come out as bi until her thirties and I was very supportive of her need to explore that side of her and she made sure that we did so together. She never had sex with a woman unless I was present either taking part or just watching. She said that it felt like cheating if she dated or had sex with women without me. That is due to her upbringing. In our day, no one, not even the gay/lesbian community accepted bisexuality as a valid sexual preference. Even today some do not. So my wife and the girlfriend who eventually moved in with us, were confused. They were attracted to men and had great sex with them but where also attracted to women. As my wife puts it, she is attracted to the person and not their gender. She is gender blind. She overcame her brainwashing. Or did she?


I think that she wanted me with her when she had sex with her girlfriend so that it would feel like an extension of heterosexual sex and not lesbian sex because in the old days were we come from the only label for girls like her was lesbian and she knew she was not that. Not that there is anything wrong with it.  


As for me, I never was brainwashed. I tend to be logical and do not believe in things based on faith so I was a clean slate. I read a lot of philosophy. psychology and even studied the major religions of the world and know more about them than most people I meet who just believe that they were lucky enough to be born into the only true religion and morality. My feeling is that if your current morality is not working out for you, seek one that does work for you. However, most people would rather go down with the ship than swim to another. They feel that they must live as they were taught and after they die there will be a reward in heaven. Yet they all spend a lot of time and money trying to avoid going to that great reward. Makes you wonder just how much they believe.

Marriage is another thing people are brainwashed with. There once was a very good reason for our current marriage structure. Those reasons do not exist any longer. The problem is that we are handed monogamy and given no alternatives but to destroy the life you made with someone before moving on to destroy someone else's life. This is known as serial monogamy. People rather do that then seek out alternatives. Lucky the new generation is starting to realize that they can live differently than they were taught. More and more women are having kids first and then marriage later. More couples are choosing not to have kids at all. 

My wife and I lived most of our 46 happy years of marriage sharing the same girlfriend and very occasionally playing with other couples. To make it even more interesting, our girlfriend got married during her relationship with us and then split her time between her husband and us, all with her husband's blessing. Their marriage is also very strong and going on 30+ years. She had one child and we had none. My wife and I agree that had we chosen to lived and die by society's rules of marriage we would have divorced a long time ago.

You can undo the brain washing if you commit to do so. My wife was a true virgin at 19. Second base was the furthers anyone got with her and that was rare too. Over the years my wife changed after being exposed to choices that were different than what she was taught growing up. Our life has been non traditional and so was that of many of our friends who chose to live life in a way that worked for them. 

I just read somewhere that you cannot be brainwashed, you can only be lead to make choices in the direction someone else wants you to go. The real problem is that most people dislike change and are afraid to think differently than the herd. Just as sheep find comfort and protection in a herd, so do people. There are all kinds of sheep and herd rules but in the end, all the herd differences is none within the rules of the herd. 

I have traveled to 21 countries, fought in a war, relocated 13 times and have experienced most of what life and sex has to offer. I do have morals, better than many religious people I know. One other difference is that we do not place as much importance on sex as most others do. Just look around about the debates and violence because people want to marry their own gender. Non heterosexual people were killed an beat up in my time while the cops never pursued the cases. We have rules about sex in movies, on TV, speaking about it, etc.. Why is it so important in our lives anyway? Only because most people are brainwashed to believe that it is. Don't get me started on religion. 


We may grow up taught certain things but to become an adult we need to think for ourselves. There is nothing wrong in accepting what you were told but to think it is the only way is sort of feeling holier than thou. The biggest problem I see is that many accept faith as the truth/fact. They do not understand the difference. Wanting or believing something to be true is not the same as it being a truth in fact. A brain can only be washed if its owner allows it to be so. I chose at an early age to follow my own path. Most do not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I was raised to accept all people to the best of my ability and treat them largely as equals.
> 
> But anyone who remotely looks down their nose at me and self-justifyingly relegates me to being inferior to them because of my perceived "inferior" wealth, educational, religious, or social status!
> 
> Normally, I'm a pretty nice guy! But if this happens to me or to anyone whom I care deeply about, then let's just say that I can get reciprocally rude!*


Note: You are one of the few Democrats that I like. Then again, I really dislike very few people. 


The Host, RD-


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I was indoctrinated with all sorts of thing. Some I've completely overcome:

Homophobia. Avarice - my father basically believed that anything was OK if you could get away with it. 

Some I have to make a deliberate mental effort to avoid acting on.
Racism, Sexism


I am not happy with the way I was raised and have had to spend a huge effort to overcome some of my childhood-trained reactions.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I spent the first years of my life raised by catholic parents and went to a catholic school my first few years. I learned all about guilt early on and it clouded my path for many years - up to an including my married life. Even after I stopped practicing, guilt was still a central element of my life. It did not serve me well. 
After my divorce I rethought many many things and came to different conclusions. I like a few others here, have become much more selfish. That does not mean that I am greedy, just that I put myself first now. In my past, when guilt ruled over me, I tended to put others first and my self last. All it got me was walked over and used as a door mat. Never again.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I do think we are very much influenced by our experiences and upbringing in a lot of what we do. With that said I have no issues with whatever that means when it comes to identifying "my type". I guess I don't see anything wrong at all with discriminating when it comes to mate selection. I think its fair to choose exactly what YOU want. You want a chubby guy or gal then go for it, you prefer em darker or lighter complexion, that's perfectly ok too. If it's influenced by your upbringing does it really matter? I would love it if all of us could love a person for only what's inside, but....I don't think that is realistic at all. 

I got this way because growing up I had white friends that actually would tell my other white friends that they were racist for not dating outside their race. Ummm....if that's your preference its nobody's business. You're not a racist if you are only attracted to certain races and not others. We are attracted to what we're attracted to. No sense in forcing it, and its noone's business but your own whom you choose to lay next to at night. 

I guess I don't understand the whole PC we are the same nonsense that we preach today. We are NOT the same. I DO see color, and there is nothing wrong with that. Instead of trying to pretend we're all the same regardless of gender or race. I think the world would be a much better and fun place if we embraced our differences, and even celebrated them instead of trying to pretend we are all the same or should be. Just my two cents....although it reads as a bit of a rant. Sorry....not sorry :rofl:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, I was raised to believe that if you LOOK good together, you'll BE good together. So, in my younger years, I chose guys who were society's definition of "good looking", and didn't pay much attention to quality of character. I went outside of that box and dated a guy who was very sweet, but not particularly physically attractive, but he treated me like I was golden. My family forced a breakup. My parents were thrilled with my STBXH, and thought we looked like "a very nice couple". LIttle did they know that we really weren't! 

Did I mention that they forbade me to bring home a man of colour after my first BF and I broke up? Our breakup was rough, and they attributed it to culture and skin colour (he was from India). They later took that back and said that they would never say something like that. Yeah, stellar! Thankfully, I've grown, learned, and developed my own way of thinking about things like this, and am much more open-minded.

I'm currently dating a man who they haven't met yet, and I'm not eager for that to happen. I'm thrilled with our relationship, but given the looks thing with my Mom, I don't think he'll be a hit. Attraction for me is situated in who a man is and how he treats those around him, and this man is a hunk to me! This time around, I waited for someone with quality of character and boy did it pay off. Plus, he likes me for who I am, which is something very new for me.


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