# Husband Perpetually Unhappy-Anyone Can Relate to Him?



## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

I may be asking for it, but maybe someone is willing to help me understand this. With all the years of conflict I should understand by now, but I can't help but doubt his perceptions. Here is the gist: My husband of fourteen years is at wits-end with our relationship. I am pretty confident he hasn't cheated. I haven't (though he believes I had an emotional affair two years ago with a gay male work colleague). This affected him greatly at the time and still does, as he thought I would never do that. He is unemployed by choice for six years (attempting to build a different life while I work and he cares for our two school-aged children). We have terrible communication (different love languages and almost at time literal languages--we are just so different). We can't seem to talk about our problems without arguing. He frequently becomes overwhelmed--what I would call emotional flooding--during our interactions. He relies on cigarettes and marijuana to deal with our relationship stress and the family stress. He says he wants to stop smoking cigarettes, but not marijuana. He was not a smoker at all when we married. He is prone to angry outbursts, has being verbally abusive to myself and borderline physical abusive, but generally knows he couldn't get away with it. I am not one to hold my tongue when he is aggressive, but I try to deescalate and call it out. He says he wants to move back to our home state, get his old job, and separate/divorce. I refuse divorce and claim I will make it difficult, but in reality I am all talk (I think). I simply won't concede a divorce. He has said I am keeping him against his will, then he tried to leave and came back, and he says he wants to stay married but doesn't like the conflict. (Neither do I.) It seems every time a problem happens he goes into crisis mode and wants to die (though he refuses that he is actually suicidal). This seems like catastrophic thinking to me. I wish he would level out and be positive. I think we can make it work and just stay calm. There is attraction, history, a family on our side. 

What do you think? Is he crazy? Am I cruel? He thinks I am a narcissist that stays with him to watch him suffer. Really, we got together when we were so young, I never considered divorce, and I want my family to be together. I am afraid of letting him go and being alone. Seeing him happy with someone else. Getting with someone else and developing the same problems. Missing him.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

I should also say that I am at wits-end with him too. He is frequently critical, seems to always be unhappy, doesn't provide much positive feedback about good behavior. I feel like he is always unhappy with me. I feel unsupported, lonely, sad. I try to stay positive and put one foot in front of the other. It can be very hard at times.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I can’t see what your getting from this relationship other than a child minder. 
So yes, I think subconsciously you want to see him suffer.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Peering_Within said:


> I may be asking for it, but maybe someone is willing to help me understand this. With all the years of conflict I should understand by now, but I can't help but doubt his perceptions. Here is the gist: My husband of fourteen years is at wits-end with our relationship. I am pretty confident he hasn't cheated. I haven't (though he believes I had an emotional affair two years ago with a gay male work colleague). This affected him greatly at the time and still does, as he thought I would never do that. He is unemployed by choice for six years (attempting to build a different life while I work and he cares for our two school-aged children). We have terrible communication (different love languages and almost at time literal languages--we are just so different). We can't seem to talk about our problems without arguing. He frequently becomes overwhelmed--what I would call emotional flooding--during our interactions. He relies on cigarettes and marijuana to deal with our relationship stress and the family stress. He says he wants to stop smoking cigarettes, but not marijuana. He was not a smoker at all when we married. He is prone to angry outbursts, has being verbally abusive to myself and borderline physical abusive, but generally knows he couldn't get away with it. I am not one to hold my tongue when he is aggressive, but I try to deescalate and call it out. He says he wants to move back to our home state, get his old job, and separate/divorce. I refuse divorce and claim I will make it difficult, but in reality I am all talk (I think). I simply won't concede a divorce. He has said I am keeping him against his will, then he tried to leave and came back, and he says he wants to stay married but doesn't like the conflict. (Neither do I.) It seems every time a problem happens he goes into crisis mode and wants to die (though he refuses that he is actually suicidal). This seems like catastrophic thinking to me. I wish he would level out and be positive. I think we can make it work and just stay calm. There is attraction, history, a family on our side.
> 
> What do you think? Is he crazy? Am I cruel? He thinks I am a narcissist that stays with him to watch him suffer. Really, we got together when we were so young, I never considered divorce, and I want my family to be together. I am afraid of letting him go and being alone. Seeing him happy with someone else. Getting with someone else and developing the same problems. Missing him.


Don't own his mindset for him.
If he brings up something that he's unhappy about, ask him what is he going to do about and then drop it and forget it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You could try MC for a while but if nothing changes I have no idea why you would want this very unhappy marriage to continue. Your poor children are getting a very skewed idea of what a healthy marriage should be.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

What I have to say may seem uncaring, but... as a marriage counselor, the scenario you describe is very familiar. It's pretty much my daily bread and butter. A normal pattern. And eminently fixable if the two parties are both motivated to fix it, and there are no other major complications you haven't mentioned. 


Peering_Within said:


> He is unemployed by choice for six years (attempting to build a different life while I work and he cares for our two school-aged children).


How did you as a couple make that (unusual) decision?



Peering_Within said:


> He frequently becomes overwhelmed--what I would call emotional flooding--during our interactions.


Do you know what you're doing that sends him into that flooding?



Peering_Within said:


> I am not one to hold my tongue when he is aggressive, but I try to deescalate and call it out.


I'm confused by that. What do you say, and how do you say it, to try to de-escalate it _and _call it out?



Peering_Within said:


> What do you think? Is he crazy? Am I cruel? He thinks I am a narcissist


Probably no to all of that.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Peering_Within said:


> I may be asking for it, but maybe someone is willing to help me understand this. With all the years of conflict I should understand by now, but I can't help but doubt his perceptions. Here is the gist: My husband of fourteen years is at wits-end with our relationship. I am pretty confident he hasn't cheated. I haven't (though he believes I had an emotional affair two years ago with a gay male work colleague). This affected him greatly at the time and still does, as he thought I would never do that. He is unemployed by choice for six years (attempting to build a different life while I work and he cares for our two school-aged children). We have terrible communication (different love languages and almost at time literal languages--we are just so different). We can't seem to talk about our problems without arguing. He frequently becomes overwhelmed--what I would call emotional flooding--during our interactions. He relies on cigarettes and marijuana to deal with our relationship stress and the family stress. He says he wants to stop smoking cigarettes, but not marijuana. He was not a smoker at all when we married. He is prone to angry outbursts, has being verbally abusive to myself and borderline physical abusive, but generally knows he couldn't get away with it. I am not one to hold my tongue when he is aggressive, but I try to deescalate and call it out. He says he wants to move back to our home state, get his old job, and separate/divorce. I refuse divorce and claim I will make it difficult, but in reality I am all talk (I think). I simply won't concede a divorce. He has said I am keeping him against his will, then he tried to leave and came back, and he says he wants to stay married but doesn't like the conflict. (Neither do I.) It seems every time a problem happens he goes into crisis mode and wants to die (though he refuses that he is actually suicidal). This seems like catastrophic thinking to me. I wish he would level out and be positive. I think we can make it work and just stay calm. There is attraction, history, a family on our side.
> 
> What do you think? Is he crazy? Am I cruel? He thinks I am a narcissist that stays with him to watch him suffer. Really, we got together when we were so young, I never considered divorce, and I want my family to be together. I am afraid of letting him go and being alone. Seeing him happy with someone else. Getting with someone else and developing the same problems. Missing him.


What would happen if you agreed to give him a separation for a few weeks or months, to see how you both feel about it?

Would HE call YOU emotionally and verbally abusive too? Do you want to stay married to him if he doesn't love you?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So he's a JOBLESS pot smoker who has no problem letting his wife support him and at one point, he "attempted to build a different life." It would appear that his great epiphany for that "different life" basically amounted to him becoming the babysitter of his own kids while his wife supports him for the past 6 years. I hope he has no plans to publish a self-help book outlining this 'genius' plan for other men - unless they're LOOKING to become unproductive slugs living off their wives.

You say Mr. Wonderful wants to move back to his home state and get his job back - is that his excuse for being jobless for the last 6 years, that he has to have his OLD job or nothing? LOL...I'm sure they've left his job open and his desk empty for him all these years. You have to be one of the worst cases of dysfunctional *co-dependency* I've ever seen. This guy wants a divorce - an abusive, lazy, pot-smoking parasite who lives off his wife - and you're actually CLINGING to this guy like grim death.

I'm just going to give up because my brain can't process this. 😟 😟 😟


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> What I have to say may seem uncaring, but... as a marriage counselor, the scenario you describe is very familiar. It's pretty much my daily bread and butter. A normal pattern. And eminently fixable if the two parties are both motivated to fix it, and there are no other major complications you haven't mentioned.
> How did you as a couple make that (unusual) decision?
> 
> 
> ...


Laurentium, your words don't seem uncaring. There are not many other major complications (no drug use on my part, no infidelity on both parts, no other addictions). But the frequent damage we do to each other with the constant conflict is damaging us and the children. I know that is why he feels hopeless about it all. 

He pushed hard for the decision to move and change. He says now he wasn't "going to make" there and was headed downward, though I don't know what he means. I was amenable to the change, but it has been so hard and I was naïve. He was the breadwinner before and my career was non-existent (mostly because I am somewhat directionless job-wise.) I have a degree but was unsure about what I wanted to do long-term. Basically I've diagnosed myself as insecure and lacking internal sense of control. Not uncaring but directionless perhaps. I cared for the children at home as I was not as active in the workforce before children. My job was low paying and I loved being there for my children. I think it was invaluable to them, but he is critical to this day about how I raised the children. Says I was too easy-going/lacking structure. He gave up his teaching job, cashed in his retirement to move after becoming disillusioned about government, the world, etc. I suppose this is other most complicating factor, actually. He really has become much more cynical since our youth. I can understand the perspective, but don't go in for the doom and gloom approach. I believe one should attempt to bring joy and hope to each day it able.

The flooding is a product of anxiety I think. I come from a legacy of codependency. My father had addiction issue (though functional and hidden from the family), my mother was codependent. There are a lot of issues on my mother's side (abuse, addiction, severe poverty). I know I have inherited traits of codependency. I did CODA for years and NARANON earlier on. It helped and I try to be aware of myself. I think early in the relationship my control patterns and abandonment issues scarred him, and he has suffered under them. I am sure I still do these things but not to the extent he fears. 

Based on my mood, I attempt to deescalate the verbal abuse/verbal heat by asking for calming time, asking what is wrong, separating, not talking about issues when we're emotional, etc. I also, especially when he is heated around the children, call out the behavior to give them the words of it. I know they are young and can not discern healthy from unhealthy yet, but I hope seeing someone not afraid to stand up for themselves, giving the words and labelling the behaviors will help them to understand what is happening later. I also hope it will help him understand what is not okay. He doesn't seem to get it and I can only think his home was so much worse. I really hold a lot of resentment that this has become my family's functional pattern. My home was never this chaotic despite all the issues, and I think it's someone else's legacy that is becoming my children's legacy. 

I see a lot about not clinging to this marriage. I do think that is what I am doing. Some of the reasons are good and some are not. Insecurity, fear of the future, history, nostalgia. I am also old fashioned, believing that intact families are ideal, don't want to be away from my children (even with equal custody). I retain hope that we will find each other again. We dated four years. We were so sweet at times. I am just entering middle age. I want to start a new and hopefully long career that will be fulfilling until retirement. I don't really want to find someone new to have more problems with. But if I did, I think I may have a better handle on the personality type that would suit me better now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Intact families are ideal — when they are healthy. That’s not the situation you have. That’s not the situation I had either. I stayed for decades because I didn’t believe in divorce (none in my family). I thought that was best for my child. But, as an adult, my child strongly disagrees that staying was the better choice and wishes I had gotten out early on and waited not so late in life to do that. My exH was a cheater but our issues went far beyond cheating. I felt I could make it work but I couldn’t and, long after I should have, I finally accepted that. I think you’ll stay but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the best thing for your children. When they’re adults they’ll — maybe — tell you how they really feel about that. My conversation with my child was an eye-opener and not at all what I was expecting to hear. We may have good intentions as parents but that doesn’t mean the outcome will be what we hope for.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Intact families are ideal — when they are healthy. That’s not the situation you have. That’s not the situation I had either. I stayed for decades because I didn’t believe in divorce (none in my family). I thought that was best for my child. But, as an adult, my child strongly disagrees that staying was the better choice and wishes I had gotten out early on and waited not so late in life to do that. My exH was a cheater but our issues went far beyond cheating. I felt I could make it work but I couldn’t and, long after I should have, I finally accepted that. I think you’ll stay but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the best thing for your children. When they’re adults they’ll — maybe — tell you how they really feel about that. My conversation with my child was an eye-opener and not at all what I was expecting to hear. We may have good intentions as parents but that doesn’t mean the outcome will be what we hope for.


This is how I feel. Stuck in the idea that intact is best. I have hope for a healthy family and haven't been able to unsee that. For now I will stay. I ask myself if he became physical would I stay? I hope not but I have put up with more than I ever thought was possible. I don't know what my children will tell me when they are older. I hope they are kind in their evaluation of us--but they do deserve better. I feel like leaving would show them how you should value yourself over a relationship, but I haven't been able to even come close to doing it. I can imagine feeling this way in decades and wishing I hadn't waited. Now could be a time to seek another relationship that could be healthier for my older age. Something more compatible.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So he's a JOBLESS pot smoker who has no problem letting his wife support him and at one point, he "attempted to build a different life." It would appear that his great epiphany for that "different life" basically amounted to him becoming the babysitter of his own kids while his wife supports him for the past 6 years. I hope he has no plans to publish a self-help book outlining this 'genius' plan for other men - unless they're LOOKING to become unproductive slugs living off their wives.
> 
> You say Mr. Wonderful wants to move back to his home state and get his job back - is that his excuse for being jobless for the last 6 years, that he has to have his OLD job or nothing? LOL...I'm sure they've left his job open and his desk empty for him all these years. You have to be one of the worst cases of dysfunctional *co-dependency* I've ever seen. This guy wants a divorce - an abusive, lazy, pot-smoking parasite who lives off his wife - and you're actually CLINGING to this guy like grim death.
> 
> I'm just going to give up because my brain can't process this. 😟 😟 😟


Well if you put it like that.... 

It is more nuanced--as life is. I wasn't going to reply as the framing is so negative and I don't want to encourage it. I do see your points but there is more involved than you know, so I'll forgive the heavy-handed arm-chair diagnosis you are so eager to give. That said, I'm not sure what you have been through. Just saying, more sensitivity would be appreciated as I didn't come here to be ranted at.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I can relate. I’ve been unhappy all my life.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

He is a bum who has absolutely no ambition or goals in life. While you work, he spends your money on weed, and sits around stoned all day going ahhh man, I have the answer to all of life's problems.

I also feel that you are suffering from severe codependency. This guy appears to have no value to your life. Don't expect to ever get ahead or better yourself with someone like this. His emotional issues are probably caused by his drug addiction. It will get worse as he starts using more to try and feel better. Do you really want an unemployed, borderline physically abusive stoner educating your kids?


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

I am codependent. I sought help for years and know it is a perpetual problem to manage. That said, he does lots for us all--except work. He homeschools with almost no help from me--and does a pretty good job. He shops, he cleans, he cooks, he promotes family together time, he asks for time with me sometimes--he is not a bum. He was ambitious once. He graduated with honors from college, is very smart, and provided for our family for 12 years. Consistently. 

This relationship can be unhealthy, I can be codependent, so can he, he can abuse marijuana, and he can also be all those things. Now, do I like the pot? Absolutely not. I think he has gone downhill since starting, but he still does all the things I mentioned. Consistently. Am I enabling him? Probably. He did cash in his retirement for this move, as he thought it was unsafe where is was and was expecting economic turmoil (six years ago). We have been living off that and my income for a few years. 

We both seem to deal with our anger poorly. Him more so than me. I imagine his examples were pretty bad growing up. His family is very troubled and none function well. Something I wish I had understood better before we married: his family history and what that meant for our family history. I don't want to give up on this. I'm stupid and stubborn about it. The consistent failure is devastating for him. I continue to live in La La Land. 

I am thinking of separating myself for awhile during sleeping times and throughout the day. To allow for the emotion to cool and us to heal and talk slowly. From a different perspective I should be able see a bit better what to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My take?

Your original husband has lost his way and has been replaced by a pot-head.

His actions and words are typical pot behavior.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> My take?
> 
> Your original husband has lost his way and has been replaced by a pot-head.
> 
> His actions and words are typical pot behavior.


I do feel this sadly true. I loved him so much when we dated. Quirky, funny, kind, silly, smart, handsome, industrious. He is still a lot of those things but sadder. He has lost his spark of life. He is depressed and cynical. I miss what we had and what he was. I keep thinking he will be that person again, but he doesn't share himself with me. I was aggressively controlling when we married. I made a lot of mistakes. I still make them sometimes. We also don't some really important values. Such as health goals/attitudes, personality tendencies, etc. It makes it interesting at best and impossible at worst.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I can relate. I’ve been unhappy all my life.


Were there moments, goals, people that you affected your happiness?


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> What would happen if you agreed to give him a separation for a few weeks or months, to see how you both feel about it?
> 
> Would HE call YOU emotionally and verbally abusive too? Do you want to stay married to him if he doesn't love you?


This is the question I ask myself. He says he does love, but he flips back and forth to wanting a divorce. Not a separation-a divorce. It seems very impulsive to me. If he really wants to be apart forever, why not try a separation first? It seems prudent to me. I think I am going to try a physical separation of living apart on the same property and sharing time with the family during meals, etc. I have been doing so a bit and my life is much more peaceful.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I can’t see what your getting from this relationship other than a child minder.
> So yes, I think subconsciously you want to see him suffer.


In the pragmatic sense, I do just have a childminder. In my hopes, a fulfilling and peaceful relationship that isn't ever achievable for us. I keep wanting that and being hurt by the disappointment of it blowing up in my face. There is no other guy, there are no plans to leave, there is a dream of us making it better and finding a flow we can come back to over the years until we aren't anymore. But there is no peace here. The communication always fails. We are emotional and hurt. We are both letdown from what we hoped to get from our relationship. I just want the closeness we once seemed to have. He says he was trying to please me back then and won't go back to that space. That's fair. We are older and hopefully wiser. So where is the middle ground? I think we are too wounded to find it. I am defensive and impulsive. I lack knowledge of myself. He remembers every wound and can cite the scars. He is anxious and cold. 

When a dialogue starts, it is hopeful, but degrades. Even is it doesn't degrade, which is more common lately, there is not much ground achieved due to the language barrier (very difficult to get on same page). I think it we can keep calm and continue work, we can get there. He gets highly emotional and dramatic when communication fails. I think he has run out of steam to try.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Peering_Within said:


> I am in the process of trying to find my bearings in a toxic marriage. I have not given up hope for a better relationship and I want to keep my family intact (two children). My blood is boiling right now. I am attempting to separate myself from him physically at night--sleeping in a different building at our home. It isn't very comfortable, but I prefer it to being around the chaotic toxicity that we create. I spent late-night time with our kiddos after a pretty peaceful day (and sleeping in the other building for the last two nights). I went out there to resume sleeping out there and he was there smoking pot and cigarettes--inside the building with the window cracked. It is a building that we share as a family and there have been many discussions and agreements to smoke outside and "out the window" (dumb). He just doesn't care when no one is around and doesn't respect the rules we have decided upon. (!) I complained and asked him to be respectful. I also told him I needed the space. He refused and asked me to leave. He said he intended to use it to sleep. I told him this was always my plan and I had been there two nights already. He was watching YouTube loudly and smoking pot and that is his MO (until all hours). He claimed I was aggressive in "taking over the space". He then got up and lit a cigarette, half out of the door. As we discussed who would stay and I refused to leave but said he could stay if he turned the volume down and smoked outside, he closed the door and came in to smoke. I opened the door and he closed it again claiming he did not want to be cold. He continued to smoke and even seemed to blow smoke in my direction. He does this when angry. My heart is pounding, I am so mad. I opened a few more windows and he closed them. I got up and conceded the space. I told him "you win" and left. He was surprised. I usually am prepared to battle it out so I should be proud, but I am so mad. He wants his space to use his drugs and doesn't want a challenge. I wish I was brave enough to end this marriage. This does not resemble the man I married. I think I might cry. Wait, I may not have any tears left. This sucks.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Peering_Within said:


> Were there moments, goals, people that you affected your happiness?


Where do I start? Fundamentally, it's my fault, but I wasn't aware of the root causes. Basically, I had a ****ty upbringing with violent father, ice cold mother (emotionally unavailable), cruel brother and then I married my mother, perpetuating my unhappiness. I have made choices, wrong choices, consciously and unconsciously. But I'm better now...


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Peering_Within said:


> he does lots for us all--except work. He homeschools with almost no help from me--and does a pretty good job. He shops, he cleans, he cooks, he promotes family together time, he asks for time with me sometimes--he is not a bum. He was ambitious once. He graduated with honors from college, is very smart, and provided for our family for 12 years. Consistently.


He doesn't work outside the home, but he works a lot at home, with no pay I must add. I was a SAHM for years and sometimes I felt taken for granted because I wasn't getting paid for all my hard work at home. You not recognizing the effort he puts into raising a family is a big mistake. I would feel unloved and disrespected. 


Peering_Within said:


> This relationship can be unhealthy, I can be codependent, so can he, he can abuse marijuana


Some people can be so overwhelming they can drive their partners crazy. Are you one of them? What do you mean he abuses marijuana? How much does he smoke?


Peering_Within said:


> but he still does all the things I mentioned.


So he smokes and runs the house efficiently. Why is that a problem to you?? If the job gets done, what's the issue? I have many friends who smoke pot daily (pot is legal in my state.) They are also successful business owners and have healthy families. What's your issue with him smoking?

What do you want from him? 

I get the impression you are someone who is hard to live with. Maybe your standards are too high to reach. Your husband seems done trying. Why don't you guys get separated? Can he go back to work?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Peering_Within said:


> This is the question I ask myself. He says he does love, but he flips back and forth to wanting a divorce. Not a separation-a divorce. *It seems very impulsive to me.* If he really wants to be apart forever, why not try a separation first? It seems prudent to me. I think I am going to try a physical separation of living apart on the same property and sharing time with the family during meals, etc. I have been doing so a bit and my life is much more peaceful.


It's not impulsive at all after how long you say you have both been unhappy. This sounds a bit like an excuse you are using.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It sounds like you may have read too many self-help books. There's a lot of psychobabble in some of your posts. Two thoughts. First, you can't fix the marriage until you fix him and you. Pay attention to @Laurentium. He's an expert. Second, you can't stop him from getting a divorce. He can sue for divorce and get it on his own.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> It sounds like you may have read too many self-help books. There's a lot of psychobabble in some of your posts. Two thoughts. First, you can't fix the marriage until you fix him and you. Pay attention to @Laurentium. He's an expert. Second, you can't stop him from getting a divorce. He can sue for divorce and get it on his own.


I don't read self-help books. I do read websites occasionally to understand concepts. There is psychobabble in my posts because of this. Psychobabble is actually important. Sure the words can by made up by a psychologist/counselor and may sound silly, but they are designed to help us understand concepts/phenomenon that might be happening and make meaningful adjustments. Without language we have a much harder time progressing (impossible to maybe?). Yes, Lauretium's responses are thoughtful, kind, and insightful. Much appreciated and he/she has claimed to be a professional helper, which I believe to be true. 

I/we have been trying to fix him and I. It was been pretty fruitless. I can not stop him from getting a divorce, we both know that. I can make it difficult. Something I have claimed I would do (mean manipulation) but don't really intend to do. I will fight for assets though, as is my right. I am not walking away with nothing--I shouldn't be expected to.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

pastasauce79 said:


> He doesn't work outside the home, but he works a lot at home, with no pay I must add. I was a SAHM for years and sometimes I felt taken for granted because I wasn't getting paid for all my hard work at home. You not recognizing the effort he puts into raising a family is a big mistake. I would feel unloved and disrespected.
> 
> Some people can be so overwhelming they can drive their partners crazy. Are you one of them? What do you mean he abuses marijuana? How much does he smoke?
> 
> ...


Pastasauce, I was a SAHM for over 9 years too. It is endless and praise less generally. The text you are reading is my defense against someone calling him a "bum". That is the itemized praise for him you are seeing. I tell him constantly I appreciate him and I do. He can do a very good job and does. I am grateful.

He smokes daily/several times daily. He smokes when he stressed, when he is not stressed, when he is alone. I really don't know how much he smokes. I am sure I am no peach to live with, but I really don't have high standards for him. In fact, I think my standards are probably too low at times. He is anxious around me and so he flees to smoke. He ruminates on things, has a hard time letting things go. He is mostly kind but he really has changed over the years. He is definitely done trying. He doesn't want to go back to work. He 'want to start a business' but what does that even mean? It's too much.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Where do I start? Fundamentally, it's my fault, but I wasn't aware of the root causes. Basically, I had a ****ty upbringing with violent father, ice cold mother (emotionally unavailable), cruel brother and then I married my mother, perpetuating my unhappiness. I have made choices, wrong choices, consciously and unconsciously. But I'm better now...


Glad to hear you have turned it around. It gives one hope. Life is too short. Don't judge me for knowing that continuing on in my futility.


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## Peering_Within (8 mo ago)

Thanks for keeping me honest Personal. 🧡


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