# Falsely accused of cheating?!



## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Anyone here been faulsly accused of cheating. My husband has accused me and built up a case in his mind over months apparently. He moved out and says he will never trust me again. A therapist told us he needed some additional testing as the “proof” he had was a bit strange and fabricated. The therapist saw through it. He won’t go for additional help and is convinced I have cheated when I did not. Never have and never would. I love my husband. Anyone have the same experience and or dealt with mental illness in a partner of this type. !?


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## Arrowspark (Feb 21, 2018)

Perhaps HE is the one who cheated and is projecting onto you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Typically, when a spouse starts accusing you of cheating it's because they are projecting. They are cheating, or trying to, and assume you are as well. 

If that isn't the case and this is actually a diagnosed mental illness, say paranoid personality disorder, then he needs to get treatment for that. He may never, in which case you need to decide whether you will live with it forever or move on. You can't sit around forever waiting for him to change or get help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he just wanted an excuse to move out. Or maybe there’s something else going on.

Whatever the real story is, you can’t help if he doesn’t cooperate.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

My daughter is going through that right now. She made her husband move out a couple months ago because he kept accusing her of things. He didn't accuse her of cheating, but the accusations have been really outrageous. It seems really strange because, for 20 years, he's been the best husband, best father, and even the best son-in-law that a man can be. But the past two years of accusations and fabrications have been horrendous for her. So he promised to get help, and she said he could come back when he gets himself together. The odd thing about it to me is people don't normally have mental onset in their 40s. Adult onset usually occurs much earlier around early 20s, so I'm not sure what this all stems from. My daughter thinks it stems from his childhood based on things he has said.

My sister's husband up and moved out of their house one day. It was during the time our mom passed away, so family was at their house frequently for that week. He used that as his excuse to leave, accusing that we, her family members, were going to steal his belongings. She was blindsided, but she was accustomed to his erratic behaviors since he had been diagnosed as a teenager.

You've only alluded to your husband's mental illness without coming right out and saying it, but I can't help thinking that, since you know of his condition, you're at least aware of how unstable he can be. So while this must be very upsetting for you, it probably isn't surprising. You may not have expected this specific event to occur with his accusations and moving out and all, but that's the thing about mental illness - the person is unpredictable.

A psychiatrist once told me that when a person has a mental illness, there is nothing anyone can do. The only thing that can help them is medication. So your husband needs meds to be able to regulate himself. And even then, he still might continue believing the things he has convinced himself are true.

So, be hopeful but also know that your life may have changed irreversibly.
I'm sorry you're going through all this.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

StarFires said:


> My daughter is going through that right now. She made her husband move out a couple months ago because he kept accusing her of things. He didn't accuse her of cheating, but the accusations have been really outrageous. It seems really strange because, for 20 years, he's been the best husband, best father, and even the best son-in-law that a man can be. But the past two years of accusations and fabrications have been horrendous for her. So he promised to get help, and she said he could come back when he gets himself together. The odd thing about it to me is people don't normally have mental onset in their 40s. Adult onset usually occurs much earlier around early 20s, so I'm not sure what this all stems from. My daughter thinks it stems from his childhood based on things he has said.
> 
> My sister's husband up and moved out of their house one day. It was during the time our mom passed away, so family was at their house frequently for that week. He used that as his excuse to leave, accusing that we, her family members, were going to steal his belongings. She was blindsided, but she was accustomed to his erratic behaviors since he had been diagnosed as a teenager.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the reply. I’m realizing that there is really nothing I can do. I’ve encouraged him to seek further help. I’ve offered to go with him to see his therapist and even do psychological testing with him but his response is well maybe. He’s not going to get help. This is so horrible that he can’t recognize the problem. It’s so obvious


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> ...when a person has a mental illness, there is nothing anyone can do. The only thing that can help them is medication.


That is _completely_ untrue. Therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems are just as important as medication.

The amount of BS some people spread is outstanding.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

bobert said:


> That is _completely_ untrue. Therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems are just as important as medication.
> 
> The amount of BS some people spread is outstanding.


I agree w/ this and will add sometimes there is something like a tumor causing it and discovering it is even more important than dealing w/ the symptoms.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is he usually a jealous person? What evidence does he say he has?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> This is so horrible that he can’t recognize the problem. It’s so obvious


Yep, it really is horrible, I know. But I'd like you to understand some things because you have to stop yourself from wracking your brain over or you will drive yourself up a wall trying to make sense of it all, and we can't have that, can we?

If you watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe, you may recall the moment in the film when the character he's playing realizes he has a problem because the little girl in his hallucination never got older, . Yet, he'd been having this hallucination for many, many years thinking these people were real and their interactions and conversations with him really took place. In his logical mind he was able to deduce that something was wrong because, after all those years, the little girl was still a little girl. Remember that part?

I brought it up because that's what people tend to expect - that the ill person can recognize something is wrong, that they know what they do and think are not real. What amazes me is some of them do and yet some of them never do. The question of why some and not others is the perplexing part, not the mental illness itself. There will be a lot of things you'll learn that you just can't question because there aren't any answers so as upsetting as it all may be, learning to accept some things makes it easier on you. And this is one thing you have to accept - that he doesn't recognize there is a problem. Hopefully, he will one day, but try not to expect that will ever happen.

Another thing I'd like you to know is my mention of the mental illness not being the perplexing part. If it's new to you, then I'm sure it all seems so strange and upsetting. You likely have a million questions, and you're questioning his behaviors and ways of thinking. All that is what brought you here, after all. Consider many physical illnesses, like a common cold or chickenpox, for example. They have signs that are visible. A person might be coughing and sneezing or have a runny nose, or a child will break out in the blister pustules if they have chickenpox. Those visible signs are the characteristics of those illnesses. You can't prevent those characteristics from expressing themselves (becoming visible) because that what those illnesses do - they make a person sneeze and cough, or they make a person break out.

Mental illnesses are the same way. They don't produce physical manifestations, but they produce behaviors that are also indicative and are equally observable. You don't question why a person who has a cold sneezes and coughs, nor do you expect them to stop sneezing and coughing (without medication). You know they can't help it, that they don't control what the illness makes them do. But you'd really be compelled to question the behaviors of a mentally ill person because you know the behaviors are not normal and they can be really quite disturbing. So you probably wrack your brain asking things like "Why does he do this?" and "Why did he say that?" and "Why can't he see that doesn't make sense?" You have to learn to accept that the things he does, the things he says, and the things that don't make sense are manifestations of his disease. You can't make sense of it so don't worry yourself with trying to.

It would be a good idea that once he has a diagnosis, you educate yourself and read up on that disease or disorder so you know what to expect in some instances. That also makes it easier for you to accept his illness and makes it easier on you to deal with. He, himself, is going to make things very difficult like he's doing right now, and he'll more than likely get worse. But the more you learn about his illness, the more you're able to point to his behaviors and know his disease/disorder is the reason.

Speaking of him probably getting worse, when he begins taking medication - that is, if he begins taking medication - the meds themselves will make his behaviors worsen for some time while they regulate. There's no one-size-fits-all medication or dosage so while his doctors tweak his meds, there may be some more very strange, disturbing, and stressful things going on. Try to prepare yourself emotionally for that.

And finally, the last thing I want you to know is it's going to be quite a rollercoaster ride from now on. If he begins taking medication and is able to behave without major incidents for a while, he will probably stop taking his meds. That's a big problem with people who suffer mental illness - they hate taking the meds. They don't like how the medications make them feel, and they also don't like the side effects. You and I wouldn't like them either. It's not like taking other medications. If you took antibiotics for an infection, you would notice when it's working because the infection begins to subside, but you don't have to feel the medication working, they don't make you feel poorly. But many psychotropic meds do make people feel poorly. Patients don't like taking them so they stop taking them.

The good thing is that there are new long-acting shots they give people these days. The shot lasts 3-4 months, so no one has to be bothered with taking or not taking pills every day, and the person is relieved, at least in reasonable measure (but not entirely), of their symptoms for that amount of time. Mental health care professionals also find ways to compel (read that as coerce) people to return for the next shot at the end of the cycle's effectiveness.

Accept these things even though I know it's hard and very distressing.

And always make yourself remember.....
When he tries to guilt you, remember where that's coming from.
When he tries to accuse you, remember where that's coming from.
When he does and says things that don't make sense, remember where that's coming from.
When he says things that hurt your feelings, remember where that's coming from.
When you start questioning his behaviors, remember where his behaviors are coming from.

Just be sure to remember. It will help you a lot and prevent you from being upset so much.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

bobert said:


> That is _completely_ untrue. Therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems are just as important as medication.
> 
> The amount of BS some people spread is outstanding.


I took it as there's nothing anyone ELSE can do for the person with mental illness. Basically meaning that if a person has mental illness, someone can try to help lead them to help, but that the person with the illness is the one responsible for managing it/treating it, etc. I could be wrong though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SadOne1974 said:


> Anyone here been faulsly accused of cheating. My husband has accused me and built up a case in his mind over months apparently. He moved out and says he will never trust me again. A therapist told us he needed some additional testing as the “proof” he had was a bit strange and fabricated. The therapist saw through it. He won’t go for additional help and is convinced I have cheated when I did not. Never have and never would. I love my husband. Anyone have the same experience and or dealt with mental illness in a partner of this type. !?


Did anything happen around the time he began to suspect something? Something in the marriage? Something you did? Something he did? Dont think we have enough information to make assumptions that he is mentally ill.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> I took it as there's nothing anyone ELSE can do for the person with mental illness. Basically meaning that if a person has mental illness, someone can try to help lead them to help, but that the person with the illness is the one responsible for managing it/treating it, etc. I could be wrong though.


When that psychiatrist told me that, I had asked him how I could help my sister. My eldest sister had been diagnosed paranoid schitzophrenic. I was not the baby of the family, but I was her baby all my years growing up. She loved me and spoiled me as if I were her child. She would point to me and tell people "This is my heart and my pride and joy." When she became ill and was diagnosed, I wanted to do anything and everything I could to help her, so I asked him what I could do, and that was his answer.

How perceptive you are, LosingHim. That's exactly what I meant (with tears in my eyes).



Diana7 said:


> Dont think we have enough information to make assumptions that he is mentally ill.


It wasn't an assumption. I'm already familiar with the behavior. But I took my clue from her telling us the therapist recommended testing. When a therapist recommends evaluation, that's the reason why. They recognize the tendencies, so therapist was recommending he be diagnosed to know exactly the neurosis/psychosis, and there's usually more than one. I also took my clue from SadOne asking if anyone was familiar with mental illness. I didn't assume that she was only making an assumption. It was clear she knew what she was asking for.

@SadOne1974
In case you're not familiar with internet forums, there are always people who get angry with someone who disagreed with them. So they follow that person around the board being unpleasant and objectionable. Please take no notice of that guy's brash tactic, but do follow up on what he said if you feel so inclined. As I mentioned before, it's a good idea to research and educate yourself on your husband's disorder or disease. I'm not very familiar with studies surrounding diet and lifestyle's effects on mental illness. The little I do know are about the effects they have on mood and anxiety disorders, which he may be OCD (has he exhibit OCD tendencies?) or could be bordering on schizophrenia, but that one isn't a mood or anxiety disorder. Obviously, he needs to be evaluated to know. Whatever diagnosis, don't expect therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems to make a significant difference. He still needs medication.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

@SadOne1974,

If you do research on treatment plans for mental illness you will find that therapy is just as important as medications. They are used hand in hand and it is totally false, and very problematic, to assume someone ONLY needs medications. Diet is another piece of the treatment puzzle for a lot of people. For example, many people will do better when on medications, in therapy, AND while eating a keto diet and/or high-fish diet than when the psychiatrist takes them off the diets. For many people, diet is just as important as therapy and medications. Support systems are so, so important and really can make a huge difference in the recovery/treatment plan. There are psychiatric hospitals that will turn down patients with no support system because they see them as (and I quote) "a lost cause and a waste of resources". I don't agree with them doing that, because everyone deserves help, but it is happening. 

It can be very hard to get a paranoid person into therapy and onto medications, it's not impossible though, so let's say your husband does decide to get help. 

It definitely can take weeks or months to find the right medication and dose, or combination of medications and doses, but to say he WILL get worse during that time is false and not very hopeful. It is possible that he would react poorly to some medications, which can cause a worsening of symptoms OR new symptoms. It's also possible that the medication would just do nothing for him at all, it wouldn't help or harm. It really is trial and error and both the patient and the support system have to be patient. 

It is also unfair to say that people who are mentally ill hate taking medications, therefore he will probably stop taking them. Again, this isn't very encouraging and it's not even true. The reality is that yep, some people are medication non-compliant but certainly not all. It really can depend on the illness(es) being treated, the person, their support system, their meds, etc. Also, medication non-compliance is a _human _issue - not a mental illness issue. Compliance with medications is also a big problem in people with other illnesses. Some people do not like to take medication, period. Every medication has a list of possible side effects and just because a medication makes someone feel better doesn't mean there are no negative side effects as well. 

When people are medication non-compliant, there are more reasons to it than "they don't like how medications make them feel" and "they don't like the side effects". Some people have no negative side effects and feel great on their meds! So great that they decide they no longer need the meds. Sometimes that is caused by the person not having a full understanding of their illness, and that can be helped. Some people go off their medications because they have a poor relationship with their care provider(s), and that can be helped. Some people go off their medications because they don't like the side effects, and different meds can be tried. Some people go off their meds because their illness isn't under control, and that can be helped. It doesn't have to look so grim and helpless. There are also people who get on their meds and never get off them! There is no one size fits all answer. Every mental illness is on a spectrum. 

Long-acting injectables were mentioned. Long-acting injectables (LAI's) are needed every 2-6 WEEKS, not (3-4) MONTHS, they typically are not used unless a patient is medication non-compliant, and they are very illness and person-specific. They are anti-psychotics, and they are not used for every mental illness out there. The patient has to start on the pill versions first for several weeks or months, then be switched over - during that time they are on a double dose. The side effects and effectiveness can also be totally different in someone taking say Abilify tablets vs Abilify Maintena (the LAI). It's not as simple as just switching to LAI's.They can also cause issues such as irritability, which then needs another medication on top of it to control. Also, those injections can be extremely traumatic to people. Yes, they get them but to think it's as simple as them being talked into it is completely wrong. The psychological side effects can last for a few days, or longer, after getting the injection and there are physical side effects as well (such as pain at the injection site and exhaustion that lasts days). Those medications are often used as a last resort, for a reason.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> In case you're not familiar with internet forums, there are always people who get angry with someone who disagreed with them. So they follow that person around the board being unpleasant and objectionable. Please take no notice of that guy's brash tactic, but do follow up on what he said if you feel so inclined. As I mentioned before, it's a good idea to research and educate yourself on your husband's disorder or disease. I'm not very familiar with studies surrounding diet and lifestyle's effects on mental illness. The little I do know are about the effects they have on mood and anxiety disorders, which he may be OCD (has he exhibit OCD tendencies?) or could be bordering on schizophrenia. Obviously, he needs to be evaluated to know. Whatever diagnosis, don't expect therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems to make a significant difference. He still needs medication.


You really need to re-evaluate your importance. I am not "following you around". Good lord  I read a post, and responded. That's it. I would say the exact same thing regardless of the poster because the information is incorrect. I have no desire to argue with you because it's useless. YOU are one of the people who "get angry with someone who disagreed with them" and are very unpleasant to have around. I am saying the information for the OP, that's it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

bobert said:


> You really need to re-evaluate your importance. I am not "following you around". Good lord  I read a post, and responded. That's it. I would say the exact same thing regardless of the poster because the information is incorrect. I have no desire to argue with you because it's useless. YOU are one of the people who "get angry with someone who disagreed with them" and are very unpleasant to have around. I am saying the information for the OP, that's it.


You're always as obvious and egregious as you were here. Denial is futile. Otherwise, surely the OP would have to wonder why you were so rude to her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You're always as obvious and egregious as you were here. Denial is futile. Otherwise, surely the OP would have to wonder why you were so rude to her.


I have not been rude to the OP. You are the only person who seems to have a problem with me, while _many_ people seem to have a problem with you. I've lost count, how many times have you been banned? And how many times have I been banned? (Hint, the answer is zero). You seem to think the world is out to get you, and severe mental illness runs in your family... See the connection? Maybe you should be seeking help rather than trying to help people here. I genuinely mean that, but interpret it how you will.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SadOne1974 said:


> Anyone here been faulsly accused of cheating. My husband has accused me and built up a case in his mind over months apparently. He moved out and says he will never trust me again. A therapist told us he needed some additional testing as the “proof” he had was a bit strange and fabricated. The therapist saw through it. He won’t go for additional help and is convinced I have cheated when I did not. Never have and never would. I love my husband. Anyone have the same experience and or dealt with mental illness in a partner of this type. !?


What are the circumstances?

Cheating can have different standards, even to therapists.

We need more information.

What's the context, is it with someone specific was it a specific event?

Is it made up?

Has there been any cheating in the past by either of you? Has there been any lying or dishonesty in the past by either of you to break trust?

Let's start with that before we call the guy crazy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SadOne1974 said:


> Thank you for the reply. I’m realizing that there is really nothing I can do. I’ve encouraged him to seek further help. I’ve offered to go with him to see his therapist and even do psychological testing with him but his response is well maybe. He’s not going to get help. This is so horrible that he can’t recognize the problem. It’s so obvious


Is he a heavy cannabis user? I have a reason for asking.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Is he usually a jealous person? What evidence does he say he has?


Without getting too specific. The evidence he has in not actual evidence. It would be something I normally do durning the day like put my hair up to go out to the gym and he will ask who I put my hair up for. Strange. A lot of things like this.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

I


MattMatt said:


> Is he a heavy cannabis user? I have a reason for asking.


no he is not


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> Without getting too specific. The evidence he has in not actual evidence. It would be something I normally do durning the day like put my hair up to go out to the gym and he will ask who I put my hair up for. Strange. A lot of things like this.


Was he cheated on in the past? Or was one of his parents unfaithful?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Did anything happen around the time he began to suspect something? Something in the marriage? Something you did? Something he did? Dont think we have enough information to make assumptions that he is mentally ill.


Nothing happened. I didn’t do anything. We have always spent a lot of time together. I don’t go out. I don’t drink or anything like that.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Was he cheated on in the past? Or was one of his parents unfaithful?


He was cheated on by a past relationship


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> What are the circumstances?
> 
> Cheating can have different standards, even to therapists.
> 
> ...


It’s completely fabricated. And there is no actual proof. It’s like if something is out of place in the house or with my appearance one day. He thinks somethings is going on.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> He was cheated on by a past relationship


That can cause _a lot_ of issues if it wasn't properly dealt with.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Arrowspark said:


> Perhaps HE is the one who cheated and is projecting onto you?


I don't believe he is but anything is possible. That's the first thing I thought be he says no.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

[no pot use


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> That is _completely_ untrue. Therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, and support systems are just as important as medication.
> 
> The amount of BS some people spread is outstanding.
> [/QUOTE
> Unfortunately medication is required... it really depends on the situation and the type of mental illness and to what degree the person has it. I agree at times diet and movement can cure you of many things.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> Unfortunately medication is required... it really depends on the situation and the type of mental illness and to what degree the person has it. I agree at times diet and movement can cure you of many things.


I didn't say medication isn't required, I said therapy, diet, etc. are just as important and should be used _with_ medication. Medication alone is very rarely enough.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> With everything you say and the way you say them, you keep on proving my point. Thank you very much for that. Again, denial is futile. You are too obvious.
> 
> No, mental illness does not run in my family. One sister is mentally ill but because I mention her, you egregiously distort my mention of two other people being married to someone who is or has become mentally ill. The definition of genetics and inherited traits is not extended to unrelated family members except by marriage. But I've no doubt you knew that. You just wanted to be insulting knowing you would get away with it and not be banned for it. I'm sure the OP at least is smart enough to see through you as I do.


There we go again with your "the world is out to get me" attitude and thinking you know how everyone else must think and feel, and if they don't... they are stupid or wrong.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

What about other drug use? Crack? Meth? Aren’t they both associated with paranoia?

My XH was on crack...no joke there. Constantly accused me of cheating.

What’s the money situation like? Specifically, on his end.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> Unfortunately medication is required... it really depends on the situation and the type of mental illness and to what degree the person has it. I agree at times diet and movement can cure you of many things.


Yes, you're right. There are so many different mental diseases and disorders and very often, a mentally ill person is possessed of more than one. So, it's a matter of context in terms of what is or which ones are being discussed. Mood and anxiety disorders, such as bipolar disorder or OCD, broadly differ from psychotic diseases like schizophrenia, as well as the magnitude and the time/length of onset. Neither the same factors nor the same treatments apply. So again, he needs to be evaluated so you know what you're dealing with and for anyone here to know what they are disputing.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Arrowspark said:


> Perhaps HE is the one who cheated and is projecting onto you?


sadly, this IS an actual thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SadOne1974 said:


> [no pot use


Good. Because over use of cannabis can result in paranoid behaviour.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Arrowspark said:


> Perhaps HE is the one who cheated and is projecting onto you?


My thoughts exactly and now he is trying to overcome the guilt.
Take him at his word, do the 180 and move on as if you believe every word he says. tell him there is nothing you can or will do.
What is this evidence he has btw?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

aine said:


> My thoughts exactly and now he is trying to overcome the guilt.
> Take him at his word, do the 180 and move on as if you believe every word he says. tell him there is nothing you can or will do.
> What is this evidence he has btw?


I’m trying 180 but it’s hard. His proof consists of things like I went out for a jog and came back and my hair was messed up. There is a mark on the door handle of the fridge that he doesn’t know how it got there so he thinks stuff was going on with my imaginary bf up against the fridge. I’m like really. For real !?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> What about other drug use? Crack? Meth? Aren’t they both associated with paranoia?
> 
> My XH was on crack...no joke there. Constantly accused me of cheating.
> 
> ...


No drugs are involved


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is sad and I am sorry. I'm very close to some mental health issues in my family and that's what this sounds like. It would be different if he was just questioning, but taking it all the way to moving out is very severe.

He is either cheating himself and looking to "not be the bad one", or his illness has taken a new hold on him.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> I’m trying 180 but it’s hard. His proof consists of things like I went out for a jog and came back and my hair was messed up. There is a mark on the door handle of the fridge that he doesn’t know how it got there so he thinks stuff was going on with my imaginary bf up against the fridge. I’m like really. For real !?


Sounds like he is trying very very hard to end this relationship with you, by any means. It’s probably time to give him what he wants.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

yes. That’s what I’m thinking. He just wants a divorce.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He apparently does — and he wants you to be the “reason” he’s getting one because that way he’s not the bad guy in this.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Good. Because over use of cannabis can result in paranoid behaviour.


Sorry but this is not true, I use cannabis more than anyone I know. Are you picking on me 😳
You’re out to get me aren’t you?

🤪🤣


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm laying my money down that he is in an active affair and is running a preemptive smokescreen. If he can get SadOne1974 to admit to some past cheating or indiscretion, then he can justify what he is doing and he will have, what in his mind would be, a justifiable excuse for whatever he is doing. 

SadOne I would start doing some discreet sleuthing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Sorry but this is not true, I use cannabis more than anyone I know. Are you picking on me 😳
> You’re out to get me aren’t you?
> 
> 🤪🤣


Roll one for me...


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

so I’m just about 100 💯 % sure that’s not the case. What is your recommendation? To higher a PI? I think it’s more just a mental illness


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> so I’m just about 100 💯 % sure that’s not the case. What is your recommendation? To higher a PI? I think it’s more just a mental illness


If you can afford it, go for it but think about whether there is a point or not. Will those results change anything for you?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Has he gained a lot of weight recently? Lost his job? Made a huge money error and is now broke? Was he attacked mentally by someone telling him he was worthless, ugly, no good, anything of the like?

I ask only because MAYBE he’s experiencing some insecurities that he’s projecting on you. If he’s gained weight maybe he imagines you don’t find him attractive anymore. If he’s lost his job and can’t provide is he imagining that you think less of him? It would be an extreme reaction to jump to you cheating because of those things, but sometimes insecurities can make people do/say crazy things.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

no Weight gain no loss of job and I’ve always been kind to him. He’s always been a bit insecure.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> If you can afford it, go for it but think about whether there is a point or not. Will those results change anything for you?


No it won’t change anything


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> No it won’t change anything


If that's the case, then don't bother wasting your money. PI's are expensive, there is no guarantee they will find anything, and it won't matter to you anyway.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Well, he is not.

Well, at least he cares for you, worries that someone is going to take you from him.

Start from there. 
Tell him you are not going anywhere, and have no interest in anyone but him.

When he gets suspicious as to where you are going.....
Invite him along.

He can sit in the car and wait for you to finish your workout, or whatever it is you are doing (outside the home).

I only say this because you love him... good for you.
Better for him!


_Are Dee-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He is probably the one who cheats or would if he got an opportunity he thought he could get away with. People make the mistake of believing that others have the same thought processes and beliefs and would do the same thing as they do in the same situation. So a lot of times when you encounter a man who is always thinking you are sneaking around on him, it's because that's what he would do given the opportunity in that situation. So he just assumes other people would do the same thing so he's convinced you're cheating. 

So I think someone should bring that up in therapy with him. It would be simple enough. 

If he thinks you're cheating anytime you go see a friend or take a lunch break at work, it's because he's done a lot of thinking about when are the best times to cheat that there would be opportunity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He is probably the one who cheats or would if he got an opportunity he thought he could get away with. People make the mistake of believing that others have the same thought processes and beliefs and would do the same thing as they do in the same situation. So a lot of times when you encounter a man who is always thinking you are sneaking around on him, it's because that's what he would do given the opportunity in that situation. So he just assumes other people would do the same thing so he's convinced you're cheating.
> 
> So I think someone should bring that up in therapy with him. It would be simple enough.
> 
> If he thinks you're cheating anytime you go see a friend or take a lunch break at work, it's because he's done a lot of thinking about when are the best times to cheat that there would be opportunity.


You know..

This is TAM, and yes, we have seen this play out ad-nauseum.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> so I’m just about 100 💯 % sure that’s not the case. What is your recommendation? To higher a PI? I think it’s more just a mental illness


What do you think he’d say if you gave him a serious ultimatum? Whether it be about getting help or you will leave, or just stating you won’t stay with a man who does not trust or respect you?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

I’ve given the ultimatum basically. His response is I need more time to think. So that’s my answer. He’s not willing to fix it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> I’ve given the ultimatum basically. His response is I need more time to think. So that’s my answer. He’s not willing to fix it.


He needs time to think about whether he wants to be respectful and loving toward his wife. Okidoke. What are you going to do?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> He needs time to think about whether he wants to be respectful and loving toward his wife. Okidoke. What are you going to do?


That’s the question of the day !! I need to think about if I’ve done everything possible so that if I end this I won’t have regrets about not trying hard enough or giving up too fast. On the other hand I won’t sit on this for an extended time period. So what is the correct amount of time. ?! 90 days ? Six months. I agree that I won’t accept his behavior anymore or accept anymore accusations.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> That’s the question of the day !! I need to think about if I’ve done everything possible so that if I end this I won’t have regrets about not trying hard enough or giving up too fast. On the other hand I won’t sit on this for an extended time period. So what is the correct amount of time. ?! 90 days ? Six months. I agree that I won’t accept his behavior anymore or accept anymore accusations.


Well, the answer is 100% your decision of course. Many people would say they’d never leave someone who did this, many would say the correct amount of time is yesterday. You have to figure out what you’re worth and act on that. 
Maybe you’ll have regrets about staying too long... that’s also a possibility.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Well, the answer is 100% your decision of course. Many people would say they’d never leave someone who did this, many would say the correct amount of time is yesterday. You have to figure out what you’re worth and act on that.
> Maybe you’ll have regrets about staying too long... that’s also a possibility.


. Staying too long is not my style.. a decision will be made very soon. I am worth a partner who trusts me... I don’t deserve to be accused and it’s not fair to me. Honestly it’s just such a hassle to go through the process. Change my name back etc and explain to people.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Good. Because over use of cannabis can result in paranoid behaviour.


Any use of marijuana can cause paranoid behavior and often does. If there's one thing it's known for that's it. I used to get paranoid every time I used it. It's one reason I got tired of doing it early on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It is a big thing, but you don't have to do everything at once as far as changing your name back and everything. Although you'll just of course have a lot of clerical type things to do to get your finances separate and not have each other's names on that sort of thing.

It's a miserable way to live. My dad got like that for absolutely no reason other than that's the way he thought. My mom was a traditional '50s mom. The last thing on her mind was looking for another man. When she wasn't at the grocery store or a bingo game she was at home. 

When I got to be a teenager, I used my dad's razor to shave my legs for the first time. My mom knew about it. The next time my dad shaved he started throwing a raging jealous fit saying my mom was sleeping around because someone had used his razor. Just nuts.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It is a big thing, but you don't have to do everything at once as far as changing your name back and everything. Although you'll just of course have a lot of clerical type things to do to get your finances separate and not have each other's names on that sort of thing.
> 
> It's a miserable way to live. My dad got like that for absolutely no reason other than that's the way he thought. My mom was a traditional '50s mom. The last thing on her mind was looking for another man. When she wasn't at the grocery store or a bingo game she was at home.
> 
> When I got to be a teenager, I used my dad's razor to shave my legs for the first time. My mom knew about it. The next time my dad shaved he started throwing a raging jealous fit saying my mom was sleeping around because someone had used his razor. Just nuts.


. Yes. This type of thinking is what I’m dealing with and I’ve always been faithful


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Any use of marijuana can cause paranoid behavior and often does. If there's one thing it's known for that's it. I used to get paranoid every time I used it. It's one reason I got tired of doing it early on.


 no pot use of any kind in this situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, the process is definitely a hassle (including the name-change because it has to be done with every agency). But then it’s over and done with. As to explaining to others, that can be as much or as little information as you wish to give.


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## Together25yrs (Nov 16, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> Anyone here been faulsly accused of cheating. My husband has accused me and built up a case in his mind over months apparently. He moved out and says he will never trust me again. A therapist told us he needed some additional testing as the “proof” he had was a bit strange and fabricated. The therapist saw through it. He won’t go for additional help and is convinced I have cheated when I did not. Never have and never would. I love my husband. Anyone have the same experience and or dealt with mental illness in a partner of this type. !?


Same thing has happened to me, but it's my wife who has accused me of cheating. Same trust issues. We've been to counseling, but she insists that all the issues are mine. I don't think my wife has specific mental health issues, but she seems determined to find a reason to end our relationship after 25 years. I haven't always been the perfect husband, but I have never cheated on her and never would.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Together25yrs said:


> Same thing has happened to me, but it's my wife who has accused me of cheating. Same trust issues. We've been to counseling, but she insists that all the issues are mine. I don't think my wife has specific mental health issues, but she seems determined to find a reason to end our relationship after 25 years. I haven't always been the perfect husband, but I have never cheated on her and never would.


 sorry to hear this. It’s really devistating being accused of something that never happened.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Together25yrs said:


> Same thing has happened to me, but it's my wife who has accused me of cheating. Same trust issues. We've been to counseling, but she insists that all the issues are mine. I don't think my wife has specific mental health issues, but she seems determined to find a reason to end our relationship after 25 years. I haven't always been the perfect husband, but I have never cheated on her and never would.


I feel this. 

My WW accused me of cheating a number of times over the years. I never did. I became defensive. Eventually she cheated, which seemed to be a violation of HER core values, as well as mine. And she's a model cheater: blameshifting, rugsweeping, etc. Now I'm digging a bit and it looks like there may be more history - at least intent if not actual PA/EA stuff. Projection is no joke. 

Digging into the self esteem issues, and the patterns of insecurity that lead to resentment, anger, and eventually contempt - I realize I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. 

The question for the OP is - where is your H at? Is there a real chance to intervene? 

The problem in all these dynamics is that we can only control ourselves. Intervention suggests an impulse to control someone else. We all need to recognize that it's not entirely healthy - no matter what good intentions and motives may exist behind the actions - to try to influence someone else's behavior. Change must come from within. 

In the case of my WW, I don't think she can see through her own anger and rage - she's simply not in a position to be introspective or honest with herself - how could she possibly be honest with me?

It sounds like the OP's H has some work to do to be honest with himself. Easier said than done. 

Good luck, OP.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Onward7913 said:


> I feel this.
> 
> My WW accused me of cheating a number of times over the years. I never did. I became defensive. Eventually she cheated, which seemed to be a violation of HER core values, as well as mine. And she's a model cheater: blameshifting, rugsweeping, etc. Now I'm digging a bit and it looks like there may be more history - at least intent if not actual PA/EA stuff. Projection is no joke.
> 
> ...


He’s staying with family at the moment. But all of his stuff was moved out without my knowledge when I was away visiting my sister . Came home to him leaving me. I’ve bluntly told him he has a mental illness and needs testing. He has not done it yet and it’s been two months. I’ve pressured him into dealing with his issue and he seems to just ignore me and keep on believing that I’ve cheated which is false. So no I can’t control him but I can control what I do going forward


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I predict you will find out that he has been cheating or has cheated on you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

but, someone cheating on you would also tell you that you are mentally ill and need testing.
Anyhow, this thread has left me uncomfortable because, I'm pretty sure my wife is in, at the minimum, an emotional affair. I don't have any direct evidence. I've only seen them together once. so far every "girls outing" has checked out well enough. Two things keep me from investigating further. One seeing them together was not fun, it Hurt a lot and messed me up for a few weeks. Second, it doesn't matter whether I have evidence or not. If she decides to leave me she will whether or not I have evidence of the affair. If she decides to stop the relationship at emotional, she will do that whether I know or not. But mostly, her pattern of behavior leading up to discovery day was enough that I had already lost trust in her. I already know that I don't trust her. I don't need any more evidence. I will never need to prove to anyone that she cheated (what court would care?). 
I don't want to make light of what you are going through. In fact it scares me to think I could be responsible for the same. But, dang it, I don't feel any responsibility to track down evidence. I've seen everything I need to see.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> but, someone cheating on you would also tell you that you are mentally ill and need testing.
> Anyhow, this thread has left me uncomfortable because, I'm pretty sure my wife is in, at the minimum, an emotional affair. I don't have any direct evidence. I've only seen them together once. so far every "girls outing" has checked out well enough. Two things keep me from investigating further. One seeing them together was not fun, it Hurt a lot and messed me up for a few weeks. Second, it doesn't matter whether I have evidence or not. If she decides to leave me she will whether or not I have evidence of the affair. If she decides to stop the relationship at emotional, she will do that whether I know or not. But mostly, her pattern of behavior leading up to discovery day was enough that I had already lost trust in her. I already know that I don't trust her. I don't need any more evidence. I will never need to prove to anyone that she cheated (what court would care?).
> I don't want to make light of what you are going through. In fact it scares me to think I could be responsible for the same. But, dang it, I don't feel any responsibility to track down evidence. I've seen everything I need to see.


You saw them together? What did you see?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SadOne1974 said:


> You saw them together? What did you see?


I'm sure that I saw much more than your husband saw, and less than you would accept as evidence. 
I saw them walking together, talking, smiling, laughing. No one with them. Just the couple.
The details of my case are not relevant to your innocence, and I firmly believe in your innocence.
I'm pretty sure you have other reasons to doubt the sanity of your man, as I have other reasons to doubt the fidelity of my partner.
The point I'm bringing up is how well can I diagnose my own state. On the one hand I'm acting on very little evidence. On the other hand it is very much in her favor to say, I'm just crazy.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

I’m


Mr. Nail said:


> I'm sure that I saw much more than your husband saw, and less than you would accept as evidence.
> I saw them walking together, talking, smiling, laughing. No one with them. Just the couple.
> The details of my case are not relevant to your innocence, and I firmly believe in your innocence.
> I'm pretty sure you have other reasons to doubt the sanity of your man, as I have other reasons to doubt the fidelity of my partner.
> The point I'm bringing up is how well can I diagnose my own state. On the one hand I'm acting on very little evidence. On the other hand it is very much in her favor to say, I'm just crazy.


thank you. I understand what you’re saying. My hubby has no actual evidence because nothing happened. It’s sad to see a happy marriage ruined over mental illness but I have to accept the fact I cannot force him to get help and I can’t change his mind. I feel like I’m looking back trying I figure out what I could have done and basically in the department of being faithful I was always 100 % faithful. That’s why I’m so heartbroken. I still love my husband but cannot and will not be with someone who won’t trust me for no reason other than his own issues. I am most likely filing the divorce papers today. He left and I think that’s a clear indication of where this is going. Anyway. I’m sorry for you situation and will be sending prayers and good vibes your way.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> I’m
> 
> thank you. I understand what you’re saying. My hubby has no actual evidence because nothing happened. It’s sad to see a happy marriage ruined over mental illness but I have to accept the fact I cannot force him to get help and I can’t change his mind. I feel like I’m looking back trying I figure out what I could have done and basically in the department of being faithful I was always 100 % faithful. That’s why I’m so heartbroken. I still love my husband but cannot and will not be with someone who won’t trust me for no reason other than his own issues. I am most likely filing the divorce papers today. He left and I think that’s a clear indication of where this is going. Anyway. I’m sorry for you situation and will be sending prayers and good vibes your way.


I’m sorry that you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you.
I do want to add, that even if he is not mentally ill, and just looking for a way out, you still have zero control over that situation. And the type of person that would go about leaving someone in this manner is not someone you could have treated differently for a better result. It’s sad but you didn’t have any control or ability to change this without a willing participant.


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