# Husband mean and hurtful but wants sex????



## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

My husband and I recently separated due to him being emotionally and verbally abusive. I moved out and he states he wants to work on things and go to counseling to save our marriage. However since I left he really has nothing nice to say to me I have been nothing but loving towards him. I tell him I still love him, I have let him know the things that made me fall in love with him and why I think our marriage is worth saving. However he will be so mean towards me making degrading comments, swearing at me, telling me he hates me and he is done. I have been to the point of sobbing in front of him telling him I just want the man I married back and it doesn't phase him. He shows zero empathy or concern when I am hurting and crying based on the nasty things he says and never says he is sorry for the things he says. After he behaves like this he will act "nice" for a short time and then try to talk to me about sex or try to get me to have sex with him. I explained to him that right now I feel emotionally distant because of the way he is behaving and that we need to fix the underlying issues in our relationship before we resume a physical relationship. This makes him very mad and he tells me I am being selfish and not meeting his needs and so the cycle starts all over again. I just don't understand why he is so focused on sex right now because before things got so bad to the point that I left I was telling him that I missed the sex life and the passion that he used to show towards me and it didn't make a difference. Now he seems obsessed with sex and does not seem to care to work on the problems that pushed me away in the first place. I am so confused by this behavior. Has anyone else had a similar experience?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

How long have you been together and what are your ages?

First of all, disengage. He is not going to change in a short time. Odds are the person you married was at his best and this is how he is naturally. You have to learn to deal with the current him and the past will not help.

Think of it this way. A spouse marries nice person. Their partner gets brain damage and starts beating them regularly. They stay hoping that one day it is possible to reverse the brain damage to get their old partner back. Extreme example I know.

Still, you have to ask why you are allowing someone to treat you poorly. And it is love and for your own validation as well. You should learn to love yourself so that those who treat you like this, you will detach from.


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## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

We have been married for 4 years I'm 33 and he is 40. We started counseling last week, the first session was terrible. I am also going to individual therapy to deal with all of this. I feel my emotional wall getting thicker and thicker towards him. I have tried to explain to him that if he would be loving and caring towards me instead of angry and hurtful that would be a really good start to the road towards a physical relationship again, so he will be nice during a conversation or we will meet to go for a walk and talk and right afterwards he will say look how nice I was to you can we have sex now? I told him I need to see consistency in his treatment of me and then he gets pissed and so it begins all over again. I did find out recently that the issues I have dealt with he displayed in his first marriage. So you may very well be right that he hid this part of himself from me during the beginning of our marriage. I guess I am trying to figure out if someone like him can change their behavior with therapy or if I should cut my losses and move on.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Yikes, he is 40, he should not be acting this way. Well, even a 20-year old shouldn't, but it would less surprising. You might be well away from him, at least for a while. This issue should be a part of counseling, if not already.


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## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

Yeah he has horrible coping skills and has what I call his grown up temper tantrums. We only had one counseling session which is like an intake session and our next session is this week. The first session was a disaster because he acted like an angry jerk and had me bawling. The therapist was pretty speechless. So I am not sure if any of this will help or not :/


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I figure as much. Your marriage is short, and the man you fell in love with was mostly under the influence of romantic love or the honeymoon phase. This stage alters behavior where you got the man you fell in love with and now you are getting the real him or the current him.

Btw, him drawing you back with glimpses of kindness is a way of manipulating you so you go back to him. He is offering a carrot because it is what you want.

Time and time again, you are learning not to trust him because it remains an empty promise.

Here is an important lesson, people change slowly, and do not expect him to change for at least a year if he seeks help on his own.

Here is a thing, and hopefully you notice this, but since you love him, that love draws you back to him. You want to believe him, and you want him to love you, and you want to be treated with respect. Wanting something will not make it happen since it is his choice to provide it. You cannot be nice and expect him to understand because he is focused on getting what he wants and manipulating you into believing him is a way to get it.

He belittles you to lower your self worth, because he wants control. He is more worried about losing his access to sex and a emotional punching bag than losing a loving wife.

You cannot change him nor fix him, that will be his choice in the end.


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## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

Yes I know I can't force him to change and I think if our therapy session this week is as big of a disaster as the last with no effort from him then I need to walk away. Because it is taking an emotional toll on me with the so called reeling in to try to get what he wants followed by the verbal and emotional abuse.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ICU-RN said:


> Yes I know I can't force him to change and I think if our therapy session this week is as big of a disaster as the last with no effort from him then I need to walk away. Because it is taking an emotional toll on me with the so called reeling in to try to get what he wants followed by the verbal and emotional abuse.


He wants sex because it's a power/control angle for him just like his temper tantrums are. He yells, tells you he hates you yet you cry and profess you want to save the marriage. 

It sounds like he tried to control the therapy session too. He probably needs IC for himself before he can do mc.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It is a very old quote but they say when a person shows you who they are, believe them. He is showing you. Is that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?


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## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

He is going for IC however I think he tells the therapist what he knows he should say because he is down to biweekly and nothing has changed. There is also an alcohol component that was the catalyst for my leaving and he states he is just done drinking even though its been a pattern he is in denial of the extent of his issues. I know most of these behaviors are his attempt to control the situation which is probably why things got worse when I moved out. He is ex military current police officer with a psychology degree not a good combination for me when it comes to him wielding his control.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evidence of emotional abuse combined with alcohol addiction, a powder keg waiting to explode!

ICU-RN, get out now, you cannot change him, you can only set boundaries for yourself. He will reel you in and make promises and break them and have you on an emotional see saw to the point you will not know what is reality and what is not. 

It is good you are getting IC, do it for yourself. If he is getting IC, then he has to make a committment to it for the long haul before you will even consider being with him.
Suggest you continue with the separation (until there is clear evidence he is changed and for the better), it could take a long time, if ever.
Go no contact on him and just work on yourself, tell him you will not deal with him, his tantrums or demands, if he wants to be with you he has to get help for his behaviour and his drinking. Then you might consider it. Be very careful of his manipulation.
Focus on your work, your own personal life without him in it. 

I know your heart is breaking but right now it is better that you discover all of this and deal with it than get sucked in further and lose yourself.

Take care of your health too, as i assume you have a physically intensive job (from your username). Good luck.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Unless you have kids together, i say sever all ties and get out now. This is not someone with your best interests at heart. Selfish people rarely change, and narcissistic behavior tends to be something untreatable by therapy.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ICU-RN said:


> He is going for IC however I think he tells the therapist what he knows he should say because he is down to biweekly and nothing has changed. There is also an alcohol component that was the catalyst for my leaving and he states he is just done drinking even though its been a pattern he is in denial of the extent of his issues. I know most of these behaviors are his attempt to control the situation which is probably why things got worse when I moved out. He is ex military current police officer with a psychology degree not a good combination for me when it comes to him wielding his control.


Therapy is very much dependent on a willingness to change or seek help. He has neither from the sounds of it and only going to appease you. He isn't going to change right now. 

It's not as much as he is in denial but your in denial of the true extent of his issues. The only control he has over you us what you allow. He knows exactly what buttons to push on you and all your weak points and people with control issues are often masters of exploiting weaknesses in people.

You know this relationship is unhealthy and you know deep down he isn't changing


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## Old-ER-RN (Oct 5, 2015)

Been there, done this! I'm an RN too; unfortunately a large percentage of us are codependent. You have to detach yourself from him not only physically, but emotionally. He wants you to remain in a state of confusion; if you are not thinking clearly, you will not make sound decisions for yourself. He is using your feelings to his advantage. Forget marriage counseling for now; you need to stay focused on you. Do not tolerate dishonesty from anyone-especially yourself! You know what is real and what is not. You are an intelligent woman; until your bearings are stronger, do not allow your heart to overrule your head. Apply the concentration you use to take care of high acuity patients to your life. The marriage is currently like an abscess; you can continue to let it fester and cause great pain or you can incise, drain and medicate it. This is a day by day process, so do not spend time obsessing about what the outcome will be. You notice I have spent little time talking about his issues? Neither should you. Ultimately its your life and your happiness that are on the line. Once you are stronger, you will easily be able to figure out who does or doesn't deserve to be in your life. Take good care!


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## ICU-RN (Oct 4, 2015)

Old-ER-RN said:


> Been there, done this! I'm an RN too; unfortunately a large percentage of us are codependent. You have to detach yourself from him not only physically, but emotionally. He wants you to remain in a state of confusion; if you are not thinking clearly, you will not make sound decisions for yourself. He is using your feelings to his advantage. Forget marriage counseling for now; you need to stay focused on you. Do not tolerate dishonesty from anyone-especially yourself! You know what is real and what is not. You are an intelligent woman; until your bearings are stronger, do not allow your heart to overrule your head. Apply the concentration you use to take care of high acuity patients to your life. The marriage is currently like an abscess; you can continue to let it fester and cause great pain or you can incise, drain and medicate it. This is a day by day process, so do not spend time obsessing about what the outcome will be. You notice I have spent little time talking about his issues? Neither should you. Ultimately its your life and your happiness that are on the line. Once you are stronger, you will easily be able to figure out who does or doesn't deserve to be in your life. Take good care!


Thanks for your input. My logical self knows that this is unhealthy for me and my emotional self is trying to analyze the hell out of his behavior and lack of caring because I don't understand how someone could just not care and clearly I never will because I'm sure it just boils down to him being selfish and controlling. Unfortunately no matter how I look at this it doesn't lessen the hurt and disappointment this person who was supposed to be my partner in life has caused me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you weren't married to this man, would you still find him attractive and the kind of a human being you'd want to be around? If not, you are being seduced by the marriage you thought you had, or the marriage you think is possible. You are not looking at the abusive, manipulative relationship you currently have.

You can set your boundaries and he either gets help or he doesn't. If a four-yr marriage means anything to him, he might get help. My 28 yr marriage didn't mean squat to my verbally abusive ex, so who knows.

But I can tell you living alone, without the verbal and emotional abuse is extremely pleasant.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take the time away from him to read this book. 
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble

And inform him that you will not even consider having relations with him until he has been to therapy for at least 3 months (which he gives you permission to verify and speak with his therapist).

Without that, you have no intention of giving him any of your time.


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