# Parental expectations and mental health



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

https://au.news.yahoo.com/pushy-parents-risk-children-mental-health-new-study-finds-151716036.html



What are your thoughts?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Well my thoughts are that we should push our kids to be their best and encourage them. But always remembering that worldly success does not necessarily get you happiness. Find out what their special talents and inclinations are and support them up to a point. Let them achieve their own success. It usually works out.
Its hard to sit back and watch them, I know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> Well my thoughts are that we should push our kids to be their best and encourage them. But always remembering that worldly success does not necessarily get you happiness. Find out what their special talents and inclinations are and support them up to a point. Let them achieve their own success. It usually works out.
> Its hard to sit back and watch them, I know.


Sure but academic success means more lifetime options that's why we push her.

Last year I admit it was quite nerve-wrecking for all of us including our daughter when preparing her for her selective school test as we really wanted her to get admitted to a reputable high school with both socio-cultural and academic excellence. She aced it, but we have drilled her in study habits, exam strategies and prior to the test practice practice practice using old exam samples and provided her private tuition throughout the years.

I'm terrified of being 'that' parent but I do end up like that sometimes and I'm a tad concerned because I also can't bear the thought of her failing and I fear being disappointed in her as much as she fears it too. It's not like we glue to her books like some other kids but her school now well, it has a reputation for academic focus (though not as bad as another school we were looking at where homework gets piled on like crazy)

Apparently some of the kids do get depressed over time but we're hoping to mitigate that, and I do spoil her silly when she earns it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yeah, academic success is important and does give you more options, no doubt about it. Some profession/careers absolutely demand a super high level of achievement. Its not an easy task trying to
balance the hope and actions that your kid does their very best without over pressuring and too much nagging them.

Achievement and happiness have a definite correlation but they are not quite the same.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was never a pushy parent. I always encouraged them, helped with homework, read to them, listened to them read etc etc but they never had tutors or pressure to have to get certain grades. I do like to let children be children and always said to my kids that as long as they do their best I am happy, and they remember that. 
I see it as very important that they grow up to be decent, caring, honest people of integrity. Education is important of course, but it's not everything.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

We probably error on the side of being too relaxed - due to how my parents raised me and my siblings. A few phrases that I have no living memory of hearing from them, when it came to achievements athletic, academic or otherwise.

"Good job"
"I'm proud of you"
"Way to go"

Typically, we were told where we screwed up and what we could have done to be "the best" at whatever it is we were doing. I had pushy parents and that article describes the perfectionism I live through daily. That said, there was a whole bunch of other things that happened as well in childhood that were contributors to the mental health issues (perfectionism being one of them) that I work through.

Ultimately, it is a balancing act because if you don't push at all, you can raise unproductive adults that will be unhappy for a whole host of other reasons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SnakePlissken said:


> We probably error on the side of being too relaxed - due to how my parents raised me and my siblings. A few phrases that I have no living memory of hearing from them, when it came to achievements athletic, academic or otherwise.
> 
> "Good job"
> "I'm proud of you"
> ...


Encouragement is vital for our children isn't it. Plus not all children are academic but very gifted in other ways.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Encouragement is vital for our children isn't it. Plus not all children are academic but very gifted in other ways.


It is so very important. We live as voices in our children heads (interjects) for their entire life. So, we can be forever critical or forever encouraging to them. I am doing what I can to be the latter of the two.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SnakePlissken said:


> It is so very important. We live as voices in our children heads (interjects) for their entire life. So, we can be forever critical or forever encouraging to them. I am doing what I can to be the latter of the two.


Me too. 😊


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> Yeah, academic success is important and does give you more options, no doubt about it. Some profession/careers absolutely demand a super high level of achievement. Its not an easy task trying to
> balance the hope and actions that your kid does their very best without over pressuring and too much nagging them.
> 
> Achievement and happiness have a definite correlation but they are not quite the same.


Super high level is an under-statement, over here we have the ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) and for medicine as the crazy example the requirement is 99.95 - which means top 0.05% achievers in the state of their age group. Average ATAR is 70 (it's not 50 due to school leavers etc), but most of the better courses/universities have ATAR at least at 90. You get only one shot at your ATAR so yeah, highly competitive. Not all professions require the best degree/university as experience/networking is still more important in the end when getting your foot in the door but again - it's all about options and some opportunities only come once in life. 

That's in 6 years time though, for now it's a breath of relief we managed to get her in this particular school, and every other kid there had to earn their way in lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Encouragement is vital for our children isn't it. Plus not all children are academic but very gifted in other ways.


That's another thing too, academics are used as gauges of suitability with various schools and there are socio-cultural factors involved when choosing schools. Ex-wife and I wanted our daughter to be in a better environment than high schools with rampant drugs/sex/gangs/etc etc. Different schools do have vastly different environments and ex-fiancee who was a student teacher can testify to that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> That's another thing too, academics are used as gauges of suitability with various schools and there are socio-cultural factors involved when choosing schools. Ex-wife and I wanted our daughter to be in a better environment than high schools with rampant drugs/sex/gangs/etc etc. Different schools do have vastly different environments and ex-fiancee who was a student teacher can testify to that.


Yes some schools are better than others but a bright child will usually do well wherever they are. My husband is an Aussie. Some of the kids in his school were so poor they didn't even have shoes and his parents had little. He did well despite that and came in the top 3% of the whole of Australia for his year and went on to get a PhD.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Yes some schools are better than others but a bright child will usually do well wherever they are. My husband is an Aussie. Some of the kids in his school were so poor they didn't even have shoes and his parents had little. He did well despite that and came in the top 3% of the whole of Australia for his year and went on to get a PhD.


Wow, that's impressive! 

Still, I'd rather my daughter not be in such a school - aside from academic success, as I mentioned the socio-cultural factors lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Wow, that's impressive!
> 
> Still, I'd rather my daughter not be in such a school - aside from academic success, as I mentioned the socio-cultural factors lol


Well that was back in the 60's to early 70's. It's probably better now!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My parents just had a weird approach. My mother graduated high school but my dad didn't. I was never prodded at all to make good grades. It was just really never even mentioned. But I assumed that making A's was the goal as it seemed to be just from what I knew of the school, so then I assumed I was expected to hit that goal. And I did for a long long time.

I think sometimes you just have to expect the best of your children and certainly not reward them if they aren't doing their part.

All my parents did was if I made A's, my dad gave me a little money and smiled.

I think we've lost something because of the way schools are being run now, when schools lost the ability to discipline and set real standards for children. That's where I got my expectations from. Now they're so afraid of parents that they give everybody rewards whether they have achieved anything or even tried.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> *I'm terrified of being 'that' parent but I do end up like that sometimes and I'm a tad concerned because I also can't bear the thought of her failing and I fear being disappointed in her as much as she fears it too.*


Imo, this is one of the causes of this mental health crisis, even though it comes from a good place.

Your child is going to fail at something. We all do eventually and we all fail at something really, really important to us. It's going to happen. In addition, being a high achiever does not shield you from failure - often folks are really successful in one area while being total disasters in another but are unable to reconcile the two.

Instead of not being able to handle the thought of failure, take the time to teach your child how to fail, what happens after you fail and how failure does not diminish your worth. It's the missing part in having high expectations.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> Imo, this is one of the causes of this mental health crisis, even though it comes from a good place.
> 
> Your child is going to fail at something. We all do eventually and we all fail at something really, really important to us. It's going to happen. In addition, being a high achiever does not shield you from failure - often folks are really successful in one area while being total disasters in another but are unable to reconcile the two.
> 
> Instead of not being able to handle the thought of failure, take the time to teach your child how to fail, what happens after you fail and how failure does not diminish your worth. It's the missing part in having high expectations.


I watched this video that came out recently:





I agree with some of its messages, failing is a normal part of achievement yes, and I never put her down for it, only try to encourage her. I do maintain discipline however in her study habits.

But failure when it counts? Like in ATAR? You can't sit it twice.
For me, as a result of never completed high school and hence no ATAR I'm stuck with no degree in a industry I don't have the passion for but simply what I've succeeded in. I don't want that for my kid neither does my ex. There are doors that open when one closes yes, but some doors and paths stay closed forever. That's just reality.

I think I'm more concerned now because that selective school test brought out the parent I never thought I would become. I'm trying to find balance right now in teaching her about failure at the same time doing my utmost to make sure she aces her future ATAR like she aced her test last year.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> https://au.news.yahoo.com/pushy-parents-risk-children-mental-health-new-study-finds-151716036.html
> 
> 
> 
> What are your thoughts?


I think there's just as many mental health casualties to kids who are not pushed and are rewarded for non-performance.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think there's just as many mental health casualties to kids who are not pushed and are rewarded for non-performance.


It’s hard not to overcorrect when you had a tough time. It’s a struggle to always remember what’s best for him must come before my fear and emotion.


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