# Should i talk to my wife



## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

Hi all. I want to know if you think i should have a talk with my wife. We have a long strange history and we both know it hasn't all been good. That said we get a long. We do not have sex. I don't like this. It just sucks and makes me insecure. I have battled hard and can be fun and act confident most of the time despite this insecurity but i won't live with it. my wife should make me stronger, i should not have to be strong in spite of her 

I told her this at the beginning of the summer. i also told her i am not going to try to "win her back" or fix anything. that i was going to have as much fun with her this summer as a could but if at the end of it i did not know for sure that things were different we were going to get a divorce. Well, its August now. she hasn't responded and i am hurt. I have no idea weather she realize this is real. I do not think she ever puts herself in my shoes but i still care. should i have "a talk" with her again?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What were you planning to do? Leave/divorce?

Have the talk again.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bathoffire said:


> should i have "a talk" with her again?


Nope. You told her exactly how it would be -- by the end of summer if things had not changed you were going to file for divorce. By all measures, she has done nothing to change the circumstances.

Why have another talk? She will just offer up excuses, lame explanations, and nothing will change in your sex life. Or, she will suddenly start having sex just to prevent a divorce and then things will fizzle back out to nothing as soon as she thinks she's "safe" again.

But you need to be prepared to stick with your deadline. Filing for divorce does not mean you have to GET divorced. Sometimes, when a spouse sees that the other spouse is DEAD SERIOUS about moving on without them, it's enough to shake them up and make the necessary changes.

Wait til the end of August, file for divorce, and if she comes around, you both need to be get in to marriage counseling and also possibly see a sex therapist. Stick to your guns on this. If you back down on this "deadline" now, she will learn that your words are just empty threats and your situation will never change.

I speak from experience having been stuck in a low/no sex marriage with an LD husband for 20 years. We are now divorced.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> What were you planning to do? *Leave/divorce?*
> 
> Have the talk again.


yes


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Stop talking, she knows what she needs to do. 

You can talk till you're blue in the face. Whining about not getting laid rarely gets you laid. 

Comes down to is she attracted to you?
Are you in good shape?
Good hygiene?
Do you work out?

What you need to do is make yourself into a man other women would want. Make yourself physically/mentally a man who has a plan if your current wife does not start having a sex life with her husband. 

Women are much different than men when it comes to sex. Guys find a woman attractive and can just go with the flow. 
Woman need response desire. A confident guy who does not take her or others crap. 

Does she turn you down for sex? Do you whine after she does?

Do you Hoover around her at home? Do you have "guy" hobbies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twocents (Jun 5, 2015)

Have a talk with her now. Tell her how disappointed you are with the lack of progress. Do not threaten with the divorce. Reinforce your deadline and you position


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> Have the talk again.


By all means have the talk again. By my count you've only told her...ONCE? And you call yourself a man? I'm up to about 10 or more SERIOUS talks now (identical problem as you). And she DEFINITELY knows by now that I'm serious.

In case you didn't get the sarcasm, more talk will do NOTHING. "10 or more" makes it sound like I'm not pathetic as I am. What's an average of 6 "talks" a year for 5 years? Do the math.

Print out your original post and leave it as the cover sheet on a stack of divorce papers. If she doesn't change by then, you're already on your way to a new life.

You don't want to be me in 5 years. Trust me on that. I would love to sit down with you for a beer and describe my life to you right now. It ain't pretty.

Be my hero. No more talk. DO!


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I've read a few more of your different threads. Seems this has been an issue for a long time. 


One thing you have to do is STOP rewarding bad behaviors. Being nicer and doing more things for her does not help you get laid. It just reinforces she won't have sex with you if you are bending over backwards doung nice things for her. 

It's great you do not have kids right now with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

bathoffire said:


> We have been pretty dry (sex in the marriage) for a long time and i basicly started tring to make her happy and just hoping things would change. Recently, I brought it up to her and was very direct about it.



From Oct 2012. I see you were pretty direct three years ago as well. 

No more talk.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You want a quick understanding of what happening on the on other side read this post:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/282562-husband-distant-unloving.html


Then RUN to your nearest divorce lawyer and file the papers already. What are you waiting on? The new year, hoping things will change. 
You want change do something.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Is that really his wife or are you making a point?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

NO. Just making a point.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> Stop talking, she knows what she needs to do.
> 
> You can talk till you're blue in the face. Whining about not getting laid rarely gets you laid.
> 
> ...



I workout just about everyday. I also do MMA and played college ball. my issue is not that i am fat or whinny.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> I workout just about everyday. I also do MMA and played college ball. my issue is not that i am fat or whinny.


Attraction is a big issue that's why I asked. 

Being whinny is a display of low value. I'm not there to hear your talks with her but when you keep having talks about lack of sex with her and nothing changes...that's being whinny in her eyes. 


Does she act like this every time you have the talk? "Oh great, another talk by my husband about the lack of sex life'"


Instead, if you think you are at the point for one last talk then do it this way. 

"Listen (wife), I am done living this way with my wife. I want a healthy happy sex life. If it's something medical on your end we need to get you to a doctor. If it's not medical and our sex life does not improve like right now I have no other choice to find a woman who wants a happy healthy sex life like myself."

No anger in voice, just confidence. If she has any desire to stay married to you she would start a happy healthy sex life with you. 

If not then You have your answer. Many marriages divorce over a sexless marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> I workout just about everyday. I also do MMA and played college ball. my issue is not that i am fat or whinny.



No your issue is that you're all talk and your wife knows it.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> Attraction is a big issue that's why I asked.
> 
> Being whinny is a display of low value. I'm not there to hear your talks with her but when you keep having talks about lack of sex with her and nothing changes...that's being whinny in her eyes.
> 
> ...



We honestly don't talk about it. In the past that may have happened. right now i really just do what i do. I do try to make connection sometimes and maybe flirt but we don't talk about it. I don't try to actually have sex with her etc.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

bathoffire said:


> We honestly don't talk about it. In the past that may have happened. right now i really just do what i do. I do try to make connection sometimes and maybe flirt but we don't talk about it. I don't try to actually have sex with her etc.


So what's going to happen is that you'll get to the end of the summer and tell her you two haven't had sex. Her reply will be "Well, you never actually tried to have sex with me."

You have a few options. #1 is to walk. You addressed this before, she didn't change, you've addressed it again and nothing changed. She learned from the first time that you wouldn't do anything.

#2 is to try to have sex with her. Make her say no. Make sure you do other things with her other than just try to get into her pants. If nothing happens, then walk.

#3 is to assume that she didn't take you seriously when you talked to her. Talk to her again. Remind her of the conversation you had with her and ask her what she thought about it. Is she concerned? Does she even care? I'm going to guess she doesn't even remember it. If that is the case you have to start at square 1 again, but this time bring up the relationship every week. Are we progressing? What is holding us back? Do you even want to be in this relationship. Keep it in the foreground and if then you aren't getting anywhere you know what to do.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
We, as rational beings have communicative tools with which to accomplish our goals. The tools we use to relay thoughts, ideas, points, concerns and so forth is rational, logical conversation. In any such conversation, the objective is to cause understanding in the other person by conveying to them this logical information. In turn, they will convey to you their logical reasons for their stance. As the discussion progresses, one side or the other usually is seen as the more logical argument as the facts are presented. If you remove these tools, reason, logic and rationale, then there is no effective way to present the argument and certainly no chance of causing understanding to occur. Without real understanding there will be no change.

Therefore, if your wife is not capable of putting forth a logical, rational argument against marital intimacy then she is most likely also incapable of understanding yours in favor of it. When you disallow logical argument as a tool then your options become very limited indeed, to the point of non existent. So, you can have another discussion if you care to do so but to expect results that differ from all of your previous attempts is merely setting yourself up for disappointment. Until your wife can grasp and understand your argument your attempts will be futile. I know whereof I speak. I wish you well nevertheless.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

There is something you havent told us and that is what does your wife think about a divorce. 
If as it seems she doesnt seem to care then go ahead.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

afab said:


> There is something you havent told us and that is what does your wife think about a divorce.
> If as it seems she doesnt seem to care then go ahead.


she says she cares and doesn't want one. I also care however under the current circumstances i think i want one


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Well if she doesnt want one what does she expect you to do about sex. If she wont provide it what does she expect you to do. Go without!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> By all means have the talk again. By my count you've only told her...ONCE? And you call yourself a man? I'm up to about 10 or more SERIOUS talks now (identical problem as you). And she DEFINITELY knows by now that I'm serious.
> 
> In case you didn't get the sarcasm, more talk will do NOTHING. "10 or more" makes it sound like I'm not pathetic as I am. What's an average of 6 "talks" a year for 5 years? Do the math.
> 
> ...


Why don't you take your own advice? 


OP hand her the divorce papers to sign.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bathoffire said:


> We honestly don't talk about it. In the past that may have happened. right now i really just do what i do. I do try to make connection sometimes and maybe flirt but we don't talk about it. *I don't try to actually have sex with her* etc.


I'm wouldn't say divorce yet based on this.

I'm not clear on what changes you wanted to see. You're not trying to have sex with her, but you're upset she's not trying to have sex with you?

When you had your first talk--did she tell you specifically what her point of view was on the matter? How did she seem to take your ultimatum?

One talk, followed by not doing anything to pursue your wife is not really much effort to address the issue before pulling the trigger on divorce, imo.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

this is a getting harder as it gets closer. I am really starting to see ending this as something that is around the corner. It is hard. I am not even sure why? any advice


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

bathoffire said:


> this is a getting harder as it gets closer. I am really starting to see ending this as something that is around the corner. It is hard. I am not even sure why? any advice


Initiate sex with her. You've got to risk the hurt of initiating. You can't just sit back and wait for her to hit on you. 

If she accepts and it isn't starfish sex, keep trying.

If it IS starfish sex. Stop. Explain that you need some enthusiasm (real or fake, she may need to fake it before she makes it). Then initiate again.

If it's not working, remind her of the talk. Tell her what the date is. Stick to it.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

No. Destabilize, Evaluate and go from there. 

She is not motivated yet. File. 

One of two things will happen. 

She will either get motivated or she wont. If she wont make a deal to fix now before all the magic things happen then she is bull$hitting you. 

All you have to do if she starts putting out is rebuild attraction, romance and love and if she does then follow thru and leave her and find another that cares about your needs. 

You deserve one of the other.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> this is a getting harder as it gets closer. I am really starting to see ending this as something that is around the corner. It is hard. I am not even sure why? any advice


My advise is, don't wait. At the very least download some legal forms, put them on the kitchen table and spend some time filling them out. If she asks what you're doing, tell her. Explain that you had a talk and nothing changed so you're starting the process so it will be ready to go come Labor Day. 

The problem is, if you quietly wait until the deadline, resentment will build so much that you'll want out no matter what. Actually I suspect you're already there. In any case she will only take you seriously if you show through your actions that you're actually taking steps to make a divorce happen. People will hate this, but I also think that starting to openly talk to other women will wake her up as well.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

bathoffire said:


> she says she cares and doesn't want one. I also care however under the current circumstances i think i want one


Sorry to go back 2 weeks. I did read the thread. 
This post of yours so concisely points out the problem that I chose to start here.

You are getting (still) two kinds of advice.
File and get out.
Try to fix it (including filing for divorce as incentive to fix it. 

You don't really want a divorce. It gets harder for you to accept. @ weeks ago you said you though you wanted one. Well how can we advise you when you don't know what you want? My guess as to what it is you really want is this:

You want things in your relationship to be the way they were when you were courting or newlywed. (not going to read your old history to find out.) There is a possibility that what you want is what you thought the relationship would be. 

You need to answer 2 Questions. What exactly, with details, do you want? and What are you willing to do to get it?

Right now a trial separation seems in order to help you both determine what it is you want.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yes, you have to make the effort to initiate the sex. I mean, SEDUCE HER.

You told her (in your first post in this thread) that you weren't going to be the one doing the fixing. Well, it takes two people actively working to fix a broken relationship--it can't be just one person. 

You have to be the change you want to see in your relationship. You haven't initiated all summer. Have you thought about what that has done to her, how that has made her feel? A male partner who won't initiate with his woman makes her feel: unattractive, ugly, unsexy, boring, insecure, nervous, stressed, depressed, anxious, doubtful, repulsive. 

Would a woman who feels this way initiate sex with her partner? No, she won't. Because in her mind, he has already rejected her. In her mind, he won't initiate because he thinks she is repulsive.

She may feel helpless to stop what is coming (divorce), because she thinks you've already decided.

This is reinforced by the fact that you said you weren't going to do anything to fix the marriage. That tells her that you don't care enough about her to put in an effort--which makes her feel worthless.

She may have already given up. I haven't read your other threads (not that I recall), so maybe you've already tried the above, and she's been resistant. In which case, this might be pointless.

BUT if that's not the case, she might think that you WANT to leave. She might not understand what's going on in your head. She might not understand what you need from her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Yes, you have to make the effort to initiate the sex. I mean, SEDUCE HER.
> 
> You told her (in your first post in this thread) that you weren't going to be the one doing the fixing. Well, it takes two people actively working to fix a broken relationship--it can't be just one person.
> 
> ...



I don't think this post respects the OPs history. He's tried this and gotten no response. It's her turn to try and face rejection for a while.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> People will hate this, but I also think that starting to openly talk to other women will wake her up as well.


I can see where you are coming from here, but that to some women will signify the end, and it will be her doing the filing.

Seems the wife has Bipolar (2012) and the medication for that can cause havoc with the sex drive.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't think this post respects the OPs history. He's tried this and gotten no response. It's her turn to try and face rejection for a while.


I SAID I haven't read his other threads and that I don't know the history, and I said if he's already done all this, than trying is a moot point.

I am commenting based on what I can glean from this thread.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

inhope said:


> I can see where you are coming from here, but that to some women will signify the end, and it will be her doing the filing.
> 
> 
> 
> Seems the wife has Bipolar (2012) and the medication for that can cause havoc with the sex drive.



That's fine. He'll be better off if she files. Someone needs to.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Initiate sex with her. You've got to risk the hurt of initiating. You can't just sit back and wait for her to hit on you.
> 
> If she accepts and it isn't starfish sex, keep trying.
> 
> ...



I have made some strong moves since starting this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> I have made some strong moves since starting this.


Ok, then you've done your due diligence. Disregard my earlier post. 

Honestly... why wait? Do it now, it's close enough to the end of the month.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Nope. You told her exactly how it would be -- by the end of summer if things had not changed you were going to file for divorce. By all measures, she has done nothing to change the circumstances.
> 
> Why have another talk? She will just offer up excuses, lame explanations, and nothing will change in your sex life. Or, she will suddenly start having sex just to prevent a divorce and then things will fizzle back out to nothing as soon as she thinks she's "safe" again.
> 
> ...


You are so right. Another talk would be fruitless at this point. 
Shaking up a spouse who is reluctant to change is often necessary. 

My husband didn't even have to file for divorce to get me to change my angry and bitter ways. He just had to calmly let me know what the consequences for my actions would be.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Ok, then you've done your due diligence. Disregard my earlier post.
> 
> Honestly... why wait? Do it now, it's close enough to the end of the month.


thats not what i said i would do.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mrs.Submission said:


> You are so right. Another talk would be fruitless at this point.
> 
> Shaking up a spouse who is reluctant to change is often necessary.
> 
> My husband didn't even have to file for divorce to get me to change my angry and bitter ways. He just had to calmly let me know what the consequences for my actions would be.



The key here is you believed him right? He had a history of doing what he said he would do?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> thats not what i said i would do.


Then wait the last two weeks, but I doubt anything will change in that time.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Then wait the last two weeks, but I doubt anything will change in that time.


One needs to follow thru with their promises and goals. I did and it worked.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The key here is you believed him right? He had a history of doing what he said he would do?


Of course. My husband would only bring up divorce in the most dire circumstances. He did not want to have a wife who emasculated him with loud demands, tirades and nagging. 

I am so ashamed of how I used to behave. My husband has asked me not to feel guilty and simply keep being as sweet as I have become. I had a fear of being vulnerable and receptive. Becoming submissive in our marriage has made me feel safer emotionally.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Not sure what you should ultimately do, but I would leave at least for a few days on Sept 1 just leaving a calendar with Aug 30 circled.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

i am spending a lot of time thinking about what her response is going to be and i honestly have no idea. I think it could be anything. Any advice


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> i am spending a lot of time thinking about what her response is going to be and i honestly have no idea. I think it could be anything. Any advice


Talk to a divorce lawyer so you know what your rights and options are before you do anything. 

And take your half of the money out of the accounts (and take your name off the accounts if you can) and put it in your own account--at a different financial institution--before you tell her that it's over. Separate as much of the finances as you can. You have no idea how she will react, and you don't want her to drain the accounts and leave you with no resources at all.

Have a plan. You have no idea what she will do, so try to think of all the possible outcomes and decide what you will do in advance.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Time for you to either $h!t or get off the pot. Your sex like stinks, it's making you miserable, you talked until your blue in the face and all it's gotten you is more of the same so your getting good advice here and for some strange reason your not listening.

So it comes down to this. Either you accept more of the same or make changes. Stop trying to pick her mind and think of your life. Lord only knows, she's not. She's happy living sexless and right now she's winning the battle hands down so the choice is yours. More of the same or move on and find someone who isn't a sexual drone.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bof, by not changing her behavior towards you pretty much sums it up my man. She's not interested. She's not going to change. A woman can't just tell herself to desire sex with her old man Dawg.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sept 1.

What is the verdict BOF?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tron said:


> Sept 1.
> 
> What is the verdict BOF?


Agreed. Inquiring minds want to know.

(Not because we are gossips. Because we want to support you.)


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> Hi all. I want to know if you think i should have a talk with my wife. We do not have sex. I don't like this. It just sucks and makes me insecure. I have battled hard and can be fun and act confident most of the time despite this insecurity *but i won't live with it.*
> 
> I told her this at the beginning of the summer. i also told her if at the end of it i did not know for sure that things were different we were going to get a divorce. Well, its August now. she hasn't responded and i am hurt. *I have no idea weather she realize this is real. * I do not think she ever puts herself in my shoes but i still care. should i have "a talk" with her again?


No, not if you issued a true ultimatum.

If it was a true ultimatum....then you have your answer----she DID not respond=SHE DOES NOT CARE...

And thus, regardless of whether 'you care' or not...you still LEAVE this marriage that you claim you 'won't live with'...

We think. We talk. And then we DO.

And DOING is everything....you will answer all of your questions through what you do or do not do...

Thus, you have 'said' : "I won't live with it"---*whatever.* the words are meaningless....the life you DO..._is_ the life you LIVE...is the only thing that counts...

Leave your wife over the sexless state of your marriage

Or be content with the fact that you 'still care'.

Just pick which one you'd rather do...

And DECIDE to be at peace with your decision


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

What are your ages? Are you having sex at all?


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

i did it


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bathoffire said:


> i did it


Did what? Talked, or filed?


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Did what? Talked, or filed?



I have not file but i told her we are getting a divorce, I moved out of our martial bedroom while we prepare the house the sale, and i removed my wedding ring.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Very good first steps. Keep the momentum going!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Lawyer time. Draft and serve papers. Your sleeping in the living room is a win for her unless you file. And if you take your ring off, she may feel free to take her off too and go to the nearest bar to see if anyone notices. So I hope you meant it that you are "done" when you performed these gestures. In which case when is the appointment with your lawyer?


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

bathoffire said:


> I have not file but i told her we are getting a divorce, I moved out of our martial bedroom while we prepare the house the sale, and i removed my wedding ring.


It's something.

Not much, but something.

It's still a lot of words and a relatively insignificant action of slipping a ring off your finger.

Actions speak louder.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I am proud of you.

That is very brave and is evidence of healthy self-respect (as long as your intention to seek divorce was genuine).

If you reclaim your own self-respect and self-love, you will never find yourself in such a position again. 

Self-possessed people are not at the mercy of others and how those others treat them. 

They do not abuse others and they do not tolerate abuse from anyone.

Many of us still need to learn this.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Start doing all the things someone starting over would have to do. If the house would have to be sold and the funds split, get a real estate agent out and talk about market value and upgrades you might do to increase it. Start looking at apartments or condo's. Test drive a sports car, split up bank accounts and credit cards. Sign up with a dating service, download a ton of information on divorce...Do all of this without discussing it with her, but make sure she knows.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> From Oct 2012. I see you were pretty direct three years ago as well.
> 
> No more talk.





bathoffire said:


> I have not file but *i told her* we are getting a divorce...


Still talking, I see...

I'll bet she's shaking now. Uncontrollably.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Still talking, I see...
> 
> I'll bet she's shaking now. Uncontrollably.


Stop talking. Start doing. Enforce the consequences.


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