# I am WW...please help.



## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Hey, I was following the threds here and the advice here is so good,so I dare to post here.
I am the WW wife, I am living in other country for job for about 9 months.Here I meet someone in my work, first it was just friendship, then it becomes EA, we talk over whole night on skype(as OM lives in distant city) and it started for 2 weeks. Now I see its turning to be a PA. The OM wants me so much, I cant just ignore. He loves me, understand me so well(he says IT..He feels me more than he understand). The day I decide to stop contacting I just get mad, I cant stay without contacting him, not at all, he just hypnotized me!!!
But I know I am responsible for my action, I will not accuse my husband for this A, he is so wonderful husband and father of my 3 yr daughter, but he is so unexpressive of his love, shy and feel that appreciation will spoil me, so never appreciate me. 
But I want to end this A before it shattered my family, my job.
I love to be with my husband, please help me to get out of this A.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You aren't going to be able to save your marriage until you quit dating the other man. There really is no middle ground.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) cease all contact with OM 
2) tell your husband
3) hope he can forgive you
4) be completely transparent and remorseful
5) get into counseling

if you can't do any of the above?

do your husband a huge favor and divorce him so he doesn't have to be with someone who can't be faithful


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

The OM wants you so much and he's put words and feelings into your head so that you want to submit yourself to him.
Once he's had his piece He'll throw you away and you'll be left asking you husband to pick up your mess.
You need to get over your infatuation with this guy. The feelings you have a real, but the words he said to give you that feeling are more than likely false and used as a tool to get into your pants.
Its a typical play.
Learn to control your obsessive thoughts and be honest with your husband. Hope he can forgive you.
It's at your feet and yours alone. Your husband has done nothing wrong and saying he's unexpressive is just a vile attempt at trying to shift the blame towards him.
Wake up, you know better.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Recognize WHY you are so "hypnotized" - it's literally a drug, a high that you get from having the attention in secret. 

Treat yourself like a drug addict... you tried to go cold turkey and just stop, but the addiction drove you back to your drug.

Recognize the affair partner has it easy to 'connect' with you, because none of the things you have to deal with in real everyday life are a part of your secret private discussions. You're too busy being secret & private to allow any 'real' issues to get into that dialogue. So you can't compare him to your husband, because it's not apples-to-apples comparison. Of course your AP feel 'better' and more exciting. But if you left your husband and went to him, would he be better?

If he would, then grow up and go do that.
If he wouldn't, then start by recognizing how difficult it will be _when_ (not if, but when) your husband finds out and he perhaps chooses to leave you...and have rights to your daughter perhaps...

You can do this. Writeto your AP, and tell him directly he is not to contact you anymore, you love your husband, want to work on your marriage, and he is to respect this.

Then delete his info from all your accounts, phone, etc. Block him so there is no temptation to look at messages he might send.

Then decide what you will tell your hiusband as the reason you are to enter MC...because you need to go to address the issues between the two fo you. Tell him you love him, are committed to your marriage, but not happy enough and want his help to work hard at making it better. And let the MC do it's work; be truthful and honest to get what you want. I believe you should tell your hubby what you started doing, and that you have stopped, because the guilt will eat at you and the truth will set you free while waking him up to realize how serious the problems are. You can then share your email/skype/facebook/cellphone/computer account and password info with him to allow him to 'check up' on you. This will be an additional deterrent for you...

Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> He loves me, understand me so well(he says IT..He feels me more than he understand).


No he does not , he loves the thought of having sex with you. This is clearly evidenced by the countless "I love you's" that suddenly terminate when waywards move in together, funny how it dissolves into thin air.

The only who can stop this is you, have no doubt you are on a high, tell your husband then has a choice if he wants to be with you. Not telling him says you are making excuses and lying not only to yourself but everyone around you. 

Here is a cold fact, very few affair people make it in a permanent relationship with each other, don't try convince yourself that you will be one on of them. What they leave is a trail of deceit and damage to themselves and everyone that truly them. 

Previous posters have said what you must do , ignore it at your peril. Imagine the worst pain you have ever gone through and multiply that a thousand fold 

Save yourself get the OM out of your life, tell your husband and have a mature discussion what happens next and don't go back to the OM.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Thank you for your posts. I am not comparing my hubby with OM,no way. I just now deleted his address from all of my contacts-mail,skype. But I know when the night grow my addiction will grow more stronger to contact with him,because I tried it several times already before I post here. So I am leaving my room to go to see some movie with other people of my work.
OH GOD!! why there are man out there who cheat his own wife and flirt with other's wife??
I want to get out of this freak situation. I'll let you know wheather I can stay NC today.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

You really want out? Then be honest with your husband about what is going on.

The answer to your question, whether your can handle this yourself, or stay NC, or anything else from your own determination?

The answer is no.

Because of the following:

1. You believe the feelings caused by the seduction lines this OM is feeding you, about "knowing you", "understanding" you, etc. It's all "soulmate" mythology bs. Don't feel bad, it is chemicals in your brain giving you the emotional high, and contacting the OM feeds this chemical high, much like any other drug addiction. But do yourself a favor, recognize this affair "addiction" for what it is, and do everything in your power stop feeding it. IN time, you see it can instead come from your husband again (or really, ANY other man on this earth given proper circumstances since the chemicals really coming from your brain, but I digress that is not the point of this forum!)

2. There are pieces missing from your marriage, that unless you get fixed in your marriage, you will continue to "discover" them outside your marriage. But you will NEVER fix them in your marriage as long as you in the "fog" with some OM. 

TO fix these missing pieces, remove the affair man, wake your husband up to the reality by being honest with him, and get his help so that together BOTH of you can do the hard marriage work.

ANything less, is not real, and not worthwhile.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would echo what BBW says. You need to understand what's driving your behavior, and what's driven it in the past. Until you do that, you'll have an uphill battle.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to stop all contact with the OM, talk to your husband, be completely honest with him, tell him how you feel for him and what you from him...and do your best to regain his trust after you completely destroy his faith in you. No more contact with the OM is a great first start!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

seductive said:


> Thank you for your posts. I am not comparing my hubby with OM,no way. I just now deleted his address from all of my contacts-mail,skype. But I know when the night grow my addiction will grow more stronger to contact with him,because I tried it several times already before I post here. So I am leaving my room to go to see some movie with other people of my work.
> OH GOD!! why there are man out there who cheat his own wife and flirt with other's wife??
> I want to get out of this freak situation. I'll let you know wheather I can stay NC today.


Contact your husband instead. Just try it. Don't say it won't work. Just try it.

Being away from home for so long is also a bad idea.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Yea, away from home is so bad especially here I have very less work load and plenty of free time.I could able NC yesterday, but I have seen Om's photos which were in my laptop. I will do every attept to maintain the NC, but I could not tell it to my hubby, his world will be lost, he loves me. Me and our daughter is his whole world, I cant destroy his peace as I am not with him now. He trust me and I breach his trust, he dont deserve it. I will be in this country for 3 months only, OM is going his home country on 26 aug for 1 month, so I think I can make it, but I can't let know my hubby, can I?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you say your husband doesn't deserve this then stop having an affair. Its up to you whether to tell or not but these things always have a way of coming out at the worst time. If OM isn't worth losing your marriage and family over then end it. How would you feel if your hubby was cheating on you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

OM wants to seduce you and leave you holding the baby....that's if your husband doesn't fight for custody!

Drop the other man now. Get out of this A and concentrate on saving your marriage. If not, you will destroy everything, that's if you haven't done so already coz your hubby may not forgive you for cheating on him.


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## NessaRae (Aug 14, 2011)

Even if nothing physical has occurred, you are cheating on your husband, I'm sorry to say.  You have cheated on him in your heart. That exciting feeling is infatuation, and you need to make a decision - if you truly love your husband and want to stay with him, then there is no place in your life for this OM. The choice in and of itself is the simple part, the hard part is taking action. If you can make that choice, I believe you can follow up with action!
Talking to someone is much different from being with them in person.
I hear all the time from new couples, "We talk ALL the time!" Well DUH you talk all the time, you don't know each other! My husband and I, through most of our dating relationship, were kept apart from each other by situations beyond our control. Our bond was so strong. When we could finally be together, at first it was very hard to adapt to - it wasn't nearly as exciting, there weren't the sexy e-mails and texts and anticipation that there was before. Now I can't imagine life any other way than living with my husband.
When you can't be together in person there is a lot to catch up on! Does that make sense? It may not feel as exciting to talk to your hubby about your day, but that is because you both know each other so well. It feels exciting to talk to this OM because he doesn't know you and he is wanting to learn more about you, which you are excited to share because all humans want to share their experiences. So when everyone is saying, "He doesn't know you and he just wants to get into your pants!" there is a grain of truth in that. What his intentions are I won't claim to know, but no one can know you like your husband does, and this OM talks to you as much as he does because he is learning about you.
If your husband is not giving you the love you need then he needs to know! I currently am having this problem in my relationship - everything is right, we have a happy life together, but I am not receiving the kind of love I need to be happy. I have strayed in the past in the very early years of our relationship before we were wholly committed, but now that I know my triggers I stay clear of them, and he knows about my transgressions and my conscious efforts to stay true to him forever.
It hurts to reveal such an ugly truth to the person you'd never want to hurt, to the person you only want to love and nourish with your life, but keeping this kind of secret will devour you and hurt your relationship with him.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

seductive said:


> OH GOD!! why there are man out there who cheat his own wife and flirt with other's wife??


Because there are woman like yourself who will reward them for their efforts. Sorry, but it isn't enough to not blame your husband. You can't blame the other man either. This is all your doing.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

bs193 said:


> Because there are woman like yourself who will reward them for their efforts. Sorry, but it isn't enough to not blame your husband. You can't blame the other man either. This is all your doing.


:iagree:


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

BS is totally right. It can only go as far as you've allowed it to go. No one else is responsible for your actions. There are no excuses, valid reasons or justifications for what you are doing. It's based purely on serving your needs.
However, usually after the OM has had HIS needs served, he'll drop you for another weak challenge; leaving you wondering how he could say all those things and make you feel so amazing without feeling like that himself. He can't have just used you.
Oh yes. oh yes he did.
And as an added bonus he doesn't have to clear up ANY of the mess.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I find it illustrative of your mindset to choose as a name on this forum of "seductive".

Not a lot of humility about your behavior in it.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

michzz said:


> I find it illustrative of your mindset to choose as a name on this forum of "seductive".
> 
> Not a lot of humility about your behavior in it.


I agree. Pretty twisted if you ask me.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Although others are giving you great advices (i.e stop all contact with OM), it appears you continue to make excuses for your behavior. 

Sometimes when your bored with life / and or have lots of time in your hand, other side always seems greener, but ask yourself ...is it worth losing your husband and daughter for some flattery? I hardly think so.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

No, I have no excuses, what you all are saying I am taking it very seriously and think that you are right. I knew I was wrong, but to hear from other make me more stronger to stay NC. This is my 4 day of NC,totally!!! I dont want to hurt my husband and lose the trust of him, so I dont want to let him know, I will do everything to get rid of this stupidity of me. 
Thank you all for your advices and support.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Plug away, the only problem I see about your NC is the OM does not know you are in NC . How does NC work then?

Have you deleted al the means of contact to him and changed uour own mail, messaging, skype ans other details?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Good stay no contact evey time you want to contact OM contacg your husband instead direct your " love energy" towards him and realize that what the previous posters have said about the A are true. I had never seen my WW in such a terrible mental state until after D day and. I still aim at R. Your H should you choose to confess to him can help you be accountable.

An Affair is a fantasy, like your decreased work load becausee you are somwhere temporary. Come back to reality and think of what you truly want in your life as if you never met the OM because he is not going to follow you home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

seductive said:


> The OM wants me so much, I cant just ignore. He loves me, understand me so well(he says IT..He feels me more than he understand).


He doesn't "love" you, he's infatuated with you and getting high off of being in an affair. Most all affairs are like this, this is very textbook and very much a fantasy. 

All you see of him is the good side and most all of it is fake. You don't know the real him any more than he knows the real you.



> The day I decide to stop contacting I just get mad, I cant stay without contacting him, not at all, he just hypnotized me!!!


It's not actually him doing it, it's in your head. You'd feel the same way with any guy you were having an affair with. It's the affair that's making you feel this way, not him.



> But I know I am responsible for my action, I will not accuse my husband for this A, he is so wonderful husband and father of my 3 yr daughter, but he is so unexpressive of his love, shy and feel that appreciation will spoil me, so never appreciate me.


Affairs make you focus on the negative of you marriage to help you reconcile the fact you are doing something wrong. Your brain needs to justify itself for doing this because you don't want to believe you are a bad person so it makes excuses for you "My husband doesn't do this or that so I NEED someone else to fill the void".

97% of affairs end within 2 years and there's a good reason for it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I was going through this (when I was younger and just a gf), I saw the OM for what he was--- someone with NO respect for other people. He didn't give a rat's ass that I was in a relationship. In fact, it thrilled him. 

If he cheats WITH you, he will cheat ON you.

It made NC much easier.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As a wayward who got wrapped up in a situation similar to yours the only thing I'll add is that there is no way I could have maintained no contact without the help of my wife. Without knowing I had to (wanted to) be accountable to her and her support to help me kill the affair I would have caved and contacted the OW - no doubt about it. In fact I'm one year past D Day this week and my OW, who has not told her H as far as I know, still lobs the occasional fishing attempt my way. She hasn't let it go because she hasn't had to. 

Whether you tell your H or not is up to you, but for me, I had to for both my wife and for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> I find it illustrative of your mindset to choose as a name on this forum of "seductive".
> 
> Not a lot of humility about your behavior in it.


I thought the same. Kind of histrionic.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

seductive said:


> I dont want to hurt my husband and lose the trust of him, so I dont want to let him know, I will do everything to get rid of this stupidity of me.


Huge mistaken impression of what the value of telling the truth is.

You have already hurt him. Keeping the secret of your true behavior is robbing your husband of time and true affection.

He can be your strongest ally in protecting your marriage from your weakness.

Will he be upset to know what you do? Of course!

Could he decide to leave you? Absolutely!

But he may not do so.

But if he does? That is his right.

You not telling him is deciding for him how his life should be lived--namely as a comfort for you. A Plan B.

Utter selfishness.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Honesty and open relationship where there is nothing holding back the love begins with the truth. I can guarantee you he feels something isn't right and just doesn't now why. Not telling him casues a wall to built by both of you between each other. His in self protection feeling something is wrong and not understanding it. Yours to hide your lies and deceit. You commited adultery whether you believe it or not - you gave something to another man that belonged to your husband - even if it was only your emotional desires. Be honest for once in your life, do the right thing and tell him.


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## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> BS is totally right. It can only go as far as you've allowed it to go. No one else is responsible for your actions. There are no excuses, valid reasons or justifications for what you are doing. It's based purely on serving your needs.
> However, usually after the OM has had HIS needs served, he'll drop you for another weak challenge; leaving you wondering how he could say all those things and make you feel so amazing without feeling like that himself. He can't have just used you.
> Oh yes. oh yes he did.
> And as an added bonus he doesn't have to clear up ANY of the mess.


And the OM will continue to say this as long as he is getting what he wants...SEX! If you shut him down, he'll change his tune in a heartbeat!


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

yes you can an you must face the concequnces. If you dont you`ll be lying to him .Personaly I cant understand if you love your husband your mge should be transparent between both of you,because the more energy you put into that A the more you take away from your mge.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Trust me, as a BS myself I can tell you that your H DOES KNOW SOMETHING - right now his conscious will be making excuses as to avoid being hurt, but he will know something is not right. 
The longer it goes on, the more damage is done to your marriage. You H will not know why, but he will start to feel distant from you, rejected by you and may withdraw from you. He will have a gut feeling that something just isn't right as his defensive walls come up. You may give up this infatuation and decide to concentrate on your marriage, but it could be too late. You H may just be putting on his hat and walking out of the door as you're ready to let him know how committed to the marriage you are.
Don't blame your husband for his failures in marriage if you don't have the courage to tell him what they are, work throught them with him and give him a chance to make amends. You're denying him that opportunity by mentally playing this fantasy through your head (which, incidently is NOT real) and thinking about the OM. It's you who is now distant and not engaging his needs. 
Wake up and sort yourself out before it's too late.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

The OM does not know the NC yet, I am having trouble to find the correct words for him to stop, I never face this type of situation before. And I will confess to my husband also, but not now. After I finish with OM I will say it to my husband that what I was going through,then the decision is his. Is that okey?
I think about the name 'seductive' also,if I knew it will describe me then I would chose 'trying2getridof' but I was "seduced by someone which is not right "was in my mind that time.
8yearsofcheating & N-b,.....you are so right,he feels it,yesterday he write his FB status that I can understand. I am feeling so worried, so bad about myself. Staying 14000 miles away from my home,my baby,my husband ....I am feeling so bad.
I shall do everything to get rid of it !!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ember said:


> And the OM will continue to say this as long as he is getting what he wants...SEX! If you shut him down, he'll change his tune in a heartbeat!


:iagree:

Like it or not, sex is the currency of most affairs.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Here is a sample letter for you. DO NOT soften or be nice about it. You want him to get the message extremely clearly so there is NO DOUBT.

No Contact Letter


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Thank you...8yearsofcheating.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

AS a side note. I usually suggest sending it register return recceipt requested post office mail. That way he must sign for it and you get proof he signed for it. Two reasons: It's very official - there i sno doubt you mean it, second, if he attempts to harass you or keeps contacting you, you can use it to pull a restraining order as proof he was told to stop. Finally, the return receipt can be shown to your husband it has been sent and he signed for it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't think this is overkill. Men get REAL strange when they see a piece of ass evaporating.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> AS a side note. I usually suggest sending it register return recceipt requested post office mail. That way he must sign for it and you get proof he signed for it. Two reasons: It's very official - there i sno doubt you mean it, second, if he attempts to harass you or keeps contacting you, you can use it to pull a restraining order as proof he was told to stop. Finally, the return receipt can be shown to your husband it has been sent and he signed for it.


In Security+ lingo it's called 'Non-repudiation'.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

seductive said:


> The OM does not know the NC yet, I am having trouble to find the correct words for him to stop


Interesting choice of words. Why does HE need to stop? Isn't this your doing as well? Nobody made you have an affair. You chose that on your own. 

Re: a "no contact" letter... I will advise you to just end contact with him. You don't even have to tell OM you're cutting him off. Just block him completely from your emails and block his IM on chat. That way he has no way of getting a hold of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> why there are man out there who cheat his own wife and flirt with other's wife??


Why would this type of man be more appealing than a man who loves you, supports you, and cares for your child all by himself?

Best to find a therapist to find out why you'd be willing to lose that.

One thing you DO need to do when you get home is to tell your husband that your marriage is unfulfilling, and that you need to see real love and affection from him. Tell him that you need more. And work with him to find ways to do that. Give yourself something to look forward to.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

I had sent the NC letter yesterday by hand of a messanger with a receipt form(unavailibility of registered post from my place to OM),he got it & called me in my office number. I told him that it's over but he told me that he understand my feelings right now and he know for sure that when we will meet I will feel completely okey. He is coming to see me after 1 week....
Now what? I do not have any leave now so that I can go far away from work place, or I can not stop him anyway to come to my office as it is open for all. What I can do now to avoid to see him again?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

No contact means just that that:
NO f***ing CONTACT
You may not stop him from coming into the office, but you can start to claim harrasment if he pesters you - after all you have the receipt of the NC letter and he's clearly violating your reasonable request.
Understand that he's not wanting to see you because he respects you and wants you to be okay. He has invested time and effort in targetting your pants and wants to see you face to face to give sweet words that make you feel special and make him look like a quality catch. Find out when he's coming in, throw a sickie and, if possible (if it can be done without you getting a rollocking) tell your boss. Your Boss can ban people from the office.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then expose

expose to your husband
expose to the OM's work
expose to the OM's wife or girlfriend if it applies
expose to your boss if he is coming to your workplace
expose expose expose


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

seductive said:


> What I can do now to avoid to see him again?


(1)Mean what you said and DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIM EVER AGAIN.
(2) Tell your workplace authorities and your apartmnent/hotel that he is harassing you and ask them to help you keep him away from you.
(3) Tell your husband so he can contact the man and tell him to keep the hell away from his wife (that's often all it takes).


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Are you deployed in the service?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

seductive said:


> I told him that it's over but he told me that he understand my feelings right now and he know for sure that when we will meet I will feel completely okey. *He is coming to see me after 1 week....*


Why? Did you not enforce your boundary clearly?

NO contact means NO contact. Which part of that did he not understand? Or did you not make it clear to him? Why did you even answer his call? Screen his calls to make sure you don't receive any. None of this is hard to do. 

You should have said "I am very serious. I never want to hear or speak to you again. If you show up, I will have you removed from my office."

Clear is clear. 

Unless you weren't.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

@8yearscheating..yea, so OM is.
@jellybeans..I dont know why he dont understand my words,"I am very serious. I never want to hear or speak to you again.I am committed to my husband and I would not risk my mge for anything." I said all these to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for saying that. Now stick to it.

I'm just not sure why you answered his call.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Its a land phone without having the caller ID,and I have to answer all my calls because I am dealing with sick people around my working place,and you understand there are always somebody who need help, so my office phone as well as my office is accessable to anyone.
I am really out of the FOG of A,Thank you all for showing me the right way to think. Now all I want is to finish this completely, I dont want anyone in my work place to know about it. Íts a big terrible mistake of me. I am sorry(oh, not only sorry; I cant find the right word for my feelings)


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

seductive said:


> Its a land phone without having the caller ID,and I have to answer all my calls because I am dealing with sick people around my working place,and you understand there are always somebody who need help, so my office phone as well as my office is accessable to anyone.


If he calls - HANG UP!! Simple as that. If you wind up in front of him first try to follow the previous advice and get him blocked from the building in the first place or removed if the other doesn't work. If you still end up in front of him and you can't/won't make a scene to force him to leave or walk out yourself, two things. First don't touch him in any way - no hug, no hand shake. Second do not sit down - period. Sitting is an invitation to stay and talk. If you remain standing he will get the vibe that you are not welcoming him to stay and he will leave. Of course while you're standing you should be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome and should leave immediately so your verbal and body language message are the same.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I understand why you don't want anyone else to know. What is relationship like with your CO or top sargent? Generally, most tops will work with you without broadcasting or getting higher ups involved. A nice (or not so nice) call by your top to the OM will shut him down quicker than light switch. Got a top you know and trust?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Next time (if) he calls, tell him you meant what you said, you never want to speak to him/see him again and you mean it. 

DO NOT engage him.



seductive said:


> Now all I want is to finish this completely, *I dont want anyone in my work place to know about it*.


Well yeah...an affair isn't so fun once it's been exposed for the world to see. 

That's because affairs are UGLY.

Once the cat's out of the bag, they don't seem as enticing anymore.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Jelly, In the military, it can destroy her career and even get her a less than honorable or dishonorable discharge or bad paper than can haunt her the rest of her life. It is not just about the ugliness of the affair being public.

Seductive - do you have a top you trust that can help you? Do follow the advise about not even carrying on a conversation and just hanging up or leaving. Is he lower rank?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh, and in spite of everything, thank you for your service seductive!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Seductive, please realize that an affair is a choice not a mistake. This means that you are not subject to the 'winds of fate' but that you have the power to chose wisely.

May I suggest you buy and read the book titled 'Not Just Friends - Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal' by Dr Shirley Glass PhD. You'll find out that your situation is far from being out of the ordinary but very common place.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I didn't know she had three books out. I'll look into the latter two myself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

@sigma I like it.
@Mori...Ok,I agree,but it was a bad choice.I will try to get that book for sure.
@8yearscheating...you are right,just now whom I can trust my CO is on leave,the man who is in charge is not in favour of me. OM is one of the top here.:banghead: and you are welcome.
I have given my H all the password yesterday, he asked for it!!!! He was telling that he need those and without asking a question, without hesitation I could give it!! Thank you all again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

seductive said:


> @sigma I like it.
> OM is one of the top here.:banghead: and you are welcome.


What rank are you, roughly so as not to give yourself away if necessary. I am guessing enlisted? E4 or below, E5 - E7, E8 or E9? I assume OM is E8 or higher. He could get in big trouble, depending on where you fall on the scale. 

What branch? One of my good friends just retired from the Marine Corps as an E9. There were quite a few sergeant majors at his retirement ceremony.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

HurtingTN...no,i am O-3, OM is O-5.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Good job being prepared and honest with H. When does CO get back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

After 1 month my CO will be back.OM is coming to my place on 25,then he'll leave for his country for 1 month. I think if I can just avoid this day it will be finish completely, but I can't take leave or leave my office anyhow.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

seductive, I commend you on recognitizing your role in this affair. Not easy to look in the mirror and see a cheater and try to deal with it.

I sincerely hope you don't cave in when you see the OM. I was deployed to Iraq (not sure where you are) and I understand the stress that deployments and military life in general place on married couples. 

I urge you to try this. First, delete all the photos of the OM from your laptop. Keeping those photos and looking at them is playing with fire.

Second, whenever you think about this OM, remember your husband back home, caring for your child. Don't le the thoughts of your marital problems take over. Instead, think about how difficult it is to care for a child without another parent for a year+. 

Then, think about the kind of man the OM is. Engaging in an affair with a married woman and a mother, while her husband is thousands of miles away. Complete lack of integrity and honor. As a former soldier, hearing this type of behavior of another serviceman is sickening. Honestly, it doesn't make me respect you much, either. However, I truly hope you can work through this and end things, and eventually work on your marriage. People make mistakes, we're all human. 

You know what the right thing to do is, especially since you claim to love your husband, he is a great guy, etc. Time for you to step up and get it done.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seductive - I'm pretty sure you could be very sick on the 25th. very very sick and uable to either come into work or see any visitors.

Very sick.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a friend - a big one maybe spec. OPs or a marine to run interference for you!


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

WP..Yea, I know, what I have done do not fit my status and I am not respectable at all now, but truly I want to get back all my pride which I have just before 1 month!! Do I ever get back that?
Shaggy...
8years...I will try.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

seductive said:


> I have given my H all the password yesterday, he asked for it!!!! He was telling that he need those and without asking a question, without hesitation I could give it!! Thank you all again.


first I'm really happy for u that u stopped it and hope things turn OK for u and ur family 

you didn't mention that ur husband know about the affair so why did he aske for password or I'm just missing something here ????


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You will get that pride back. You are owning what you have done which is the first major step. Forgiving yourself is the next. If you can see a chaplain or priest and confess everything that may help as well as being open with confidants and close friends to let some of the deception out. The most important thing to do is throw your energy into being completely transparent, open and honest with your H and yourself. Seeing an IC would help immensely and Meds may help to think clearer. Be there for your H to comfort him and love him like you never have. All of these things will help you feel like the person you were pre A and like you being worthwhile again. Take care of yourself as well. Exercise and stay busy. Don't sit, think too much and dwell. Use your energy for good. Know you are good, You have made some terribly bad decisions but you can atone, make amends and be an even better lady than before. You are a wonderful person, pull that person front and center. Your H and the world around you will notice!!
Big hugs. Get started!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

sam83, my H do not know anything, before I change my passwords he knew all passwords, so may be he sense something so he asked, I did not even ask him ''why?"
8years....Thank you so much, you make me cry!!


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

seductive said:


> sam83, my H do not know anything, before I change my passwords he knew all passwords, so may be he sense something so he asked, I did not even ask him ''why?"
> 8years....Thank you so much, you make me cry!!


aha but when he see through stuff doesn't this mean he'll know everything and u should tell him better than he read it himself ???


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

How? I have deleted everything.contact details,chat histry...all all.
And I will tell him everything after I go back,before that I cant, I see here in other threads how guys feel when they know about an A, so I cant do it now as I am far away.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Okay Seductive. I really hope you deleted those pictures, to start with. I also think you should speak to your unit chaplain, if you're religious at all. 

When I was a youngster (not that 27 is old!) in basic training, they beat into our heads stuff like general orders, etc etc. Try repeating this in your mind: OM is a piece of sh*t. He is chasing a married woman and a mother. He has no regard of a marriage. Complete lack of honor and integrity. 

Beat that into your mind Seductive. 8Years is right about the IC, you'll need it when you can get it. You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you want to throw away your husband and child for this POS. I think you caught yourself Seductive, but your no out of the woods yet. Everytime you find yourself saying you had marital problems, or you look at photos, or you lack the guts to make a decision and hang up on this dbag, you're one step closer to ruining your marriage.

You know, your marriage to the guy you made vows with, and who is back home raising your child. That guy. 

You can do this Seductive. When I first read your post, I figured you'd cave and cheat more than you already have. I was wrong, I saw hope here. Prove me wrong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Keep on using this forum and thread as your moral anchor and for emotional support to resist temptation, especially if the OM becomes persistent in contacting you.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh please don't cry seductive - unless they are tears of relief! You can and will make it. I appreciate you protecting your H until you can be face to face with him but I hope it's not too much longer on your tour. I'm sure he feels something and months wondering can really be damaging to him. DO you skype him often with a webcam?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have one very good reason why you should tell your husband now-


The OM sounds like a piece of work and may try to use the information as blackmail (ie. "meet with me or I tell your husband")- if you tell him now he can't do that to you


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Yes, I have thought about that, but OM is also a serviceman and superior than me, so if he do this he will be in trouble also.
But if anything like that happen I am considering to go to the top most here, he is personally known to my H, I will tell my husband and ask help from him, may be this will cost my career, but I have to face the consequences and this is my last option.
I hope from my heart that OM will stop here. Its 10 days of NC(except 1 phone call).


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## LawAttractionRelationship (Aug 21, 2011)

I can help you.

LawofAttractionRelationships.blogspot.com

Like posted above you only have one option. That option is to tell your husband the truth and hope he forgives you for disregarding him. Even before that you have to decide is he what you want or not. If you decide he is, then like i said you have one option. Don't do this to him as well as yourself anymore. Deception is not a principle to lead your life by.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Seductive,

So far, I think you're doing well. It sounds like you're willing to go to your chain of command about this, when this OM comes after you for sex (which is all he wants, nothing more). You're understanding that you could face career consequences due to your actions (you were/are responsible) and still be willing to expose this is a good thing. I'd say that you're slowly coming out of the fog. Nothing like possibly ruining your career and family to snap you out of it, eh?

When this guy comes around, try keeping this in mind. It might help you:

1. This OM is a superior officer, and his dishonorable actions are putting me in danger of violating USMJ (adultery and sex in the warzone, I hope that was still a general order!) 

2. This OM is willing to help me destroy my marriage and my fracture my family.

3. This OM has no integrity or honor.

4. My husband is at home with my child, waiting for me, believing that I am capable of following wedding vows.

I can understand that you may give into temptation when this sh*tbag comes around. Try repeating those phrases, or something similar, into your mind. I certainly hope you deleted those photos!

I knew scumbag soldiers like this OM when I was in. I hope you recognize what you have waiting for you at home. And be prepared for some ugliness: not only for your marriage, but for yourself. You need to figure out why you are attracted to a piece of sh*t like this guy. 

Keep writing here Seductive, deep breaths, focus on staying strong. You got this!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep it up seductive. When did you say your CO is back?


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

WP...Thank you, Yes I have deleted each & everything related to OM
I keep visiting this site most of my time and wonder what I was doing? 
When I start talking with the OM about 3 months ago it starts like; OM.:..hi, how is workload there? Me:...oh,crap, I am doing...blah...blah.., Then it turns into...Me:how are your kids? OM: they are doing fine. It starts like that way, so simple so innocent. We talk about astronomy upto underwater volcano-about everything. Then he asked for my skype address, I give it. I thought I am having some "GOOD TIME'', what is wrong with it? At evenings I have nothing to do as it is deep night in home,so I thought I was just passing my times.I did not have any idea that it is CHEATING on my husband until I visit this site. Why did I came to visit this site? As I sense it turning to Physical relation I thought myself is it an extra marrital affair? I search in internate and find this site. I keep reading different threads, OMG, then I realize what I was doing? How dumb am I? I understand it is an A even nothing physical has occured, nothing sexual messaging/ odd skype thing happen but it is an affair, a very ugly thing to destroy my mge. I have some mge problem but I can not chose to cheat for that!! It was my choice. I read how much pain it can cause to my H, how it can affect my child. Then I post. I got response of you, a very honest, good advices, I never realize some people can be so helpful to an annonymous wrong doer like me, you all take me so positively I am inpressed, and I depend on you so blindly, when 8yearscheating send me a sample of NC I just copy-paste it, I dont even change a word on it. I beleive in your advices. I have my result, I am on my feet now preparing to face anything, I am so confident I never been before. You all are amazing, what is going to happen next few days I dont know but the support you all show to me I am greatful to you all. My heartiest thanks to you all.
Best wishes for all.

PS: I shall keep reading and writing.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

@8yearscheating...after 1 month my CO will be back, and thank you for your advices and hug, It makes me feel like I am not so bad!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You are NOT a horrible person. If you continued and didn't give a whit about your husband and the pain you were causing I would feel differently. But the good side in you and your conscience won the battle for your heart and mind. That makes you a good person who strayed off the right path. Stay on the path and everything will work out because you deserve for it to! Hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Sed, 8 YRs is right, you're not a horrible person. I'd say it's the guilt hitting you now, since you realize what was ocurring and what was likely to become a physical affair if you met him. I totally understand how the mind can work when you're feeling alone and struggling with some intense moments laced with mind numbing boredom. The mind does indeed wander (many long nights on guard towers or in my Bradley. Fortunately it didn't wander on patrol!) if it so happens that this OM finds you, try repeating to yourself over and over something along the lines that I previously posted, or something similar to drill into your head.

I'd suggest, the next time you have time to spend (that previously was spent talking to OM) looking into military programs designed to help married couples. I was a single guy in Combat Arms, so I don't have much knowledge on family programs other than what married friends told me about. I think it'd be beneficial to you and your man for you to have some information on counseling when you get home. And be prepared to come clean. About the OM, but also about the problems in your marriage. It takes two to work at a happy life together. Of course he'll be upset at what has happened, but if you show him you're dedicated to him through words and most importantly actions, that's the beginning. So far so good Seductive, keep it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

The OM is fantasy; you husband and children are reality.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Dear All, I am sorry that I could not post for so long time as I was travelling a lot and I was a little bit confused about the situation. All I want is to write a sucess story.:smthumbup:
I would like to express my heartful thanks to all the posters, members, moderators who all have posted here along with who are making this site so helpful for people like me. 
The day never cames which I was fearing most, the OM did not showed up, I was ready for any kind of situation, even I was considering to go to the top most man here, confess my guilt to my hubby. I was ready to accept whatever decission he made. But OM did not come to visit me!! I got a bit confused, is it a sign that NC work? 
Now I am pretty sure that NC work. But the main thing is I am out of that A, I love my husband more than ever and I know for sure that he loves me the way no one in this world can do it. I am more mature, more confident about my mge.
I would be going back to home just after 2 months 7 days. Then I will tell everything to my H, I hope he will forgive me & love me as before, I am also thinking to show him this post,is it a good idea?
I am ashamed what I did, it do not fit me socially or any way. I am really sorry for that. 
But you all save me, you all are amazing, you make me see clear. Thank you for being so honest in response.
My gratitude to 8yearscheating....thank you for your support.
My salute to WM....as considering me like that way and thank you for your concern.
I will keep visiting the other posts here to keep me away from any harmful thought, but I hope not to post a new thread..
Next my post will be on Mge & sex...lol!!


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

never be glad so soon, you have no clue what your H will do. He does not know yet about your A. Are you sure he will forgive you. this ain't gonna be easy. think bitter/worse for this, so when it happens you already predicted and will be ready to face it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's good the OM never saw you. Did you tell your husband about the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It sounds like you did a great job. Something to consider in the future if you are ever untrue about doing anything. Ask yourself how you would feel if my husband was doing to me what I am doing to him? This should keep you on the right path.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

May be my H will not be able to forgive me, I dont know,as I did not tell him about the A. But the thing I know is I do not have any kind of feeling/emotion about the OM, not at all. Now I am just thinking of my Husband,my daughter and my mge. I am trying to concentrate on my behaviour which in past create communication distance between us, I am practicing yoga to increase patience, I donot know how much it will help me, but certainly it will increase my confidence to ask forgiveness from him. I am just hoping that he will forgive me on the basis of some thread here, the BS said they would forgive if WS show remorse, I am showing it now, dont I?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

seductive said:


> May be my H will not be able to forgive me, I dont know,as I did not tell him about the A. But the thing I know is I do not have any kind of feeling/emotion about the OM, not at all. Now I am just thinking of my Husband,my daughter and my mge. I am trying to concentrate on my behaviour which in past create communication distance between us, I am practicing yoga to increase patience, I donot know how much it will help me, but certainly it will increase my confidence to ask forgiveness from him. I am just hoping that he will forgive me on the basis of some thread here, the BS said they would forgive if WS show remorse, I am showing it now, dont I?


Be careful not to fall prey to the "it's over, I don't have to tell him" demon. LS always find out. Almost every of the thousands of threads on here is a LS finding out about a DS. If he finds out from other than your mouth, there may be NO hope to saving the marriage.

Q~


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

seductive said:


> OH GOD!! why there are man out there who cheat his own wife and flirt with other's wife??
> I want to get out of this freak situation. I'll let you know wheather I can stay NC today.


OH GOD!! why there are women out there who cheat on her own husband and flirt with other's husband.

Do you realize just how ridiculous your statement was?


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> OH GOD!! why there are women out there who cheat on her own husband and flirt with other's husband.
> 
> Do you realize just how ridiculous your statement was?


..yea, I realize. I thought he was coming towards me, Now I understand its me who is letting him come. He could not come if I did not response.


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