# Hopless abusive situation?



## tiffany747 (Jun 7, 2011)

i am in an emotionally abusive marraige and from researching this, i'm realizing that it's so deeply ingrained in my husband that it's doubtful he'll ever change or is even capable of changing. to be fair, he has gotten better but has such a long, long ways to go i dont' know how long i can endure this. 

I have his 10 yr. old (the mother abandoned) who i consider MY son because i've raised him since he was 3 yrs old and love him to pieces. I have a 8 yr old daughter who i share custody with her dad, but she's been in this current situation since she was 2 yrs old and prob doesn't remember life before her step brother and my husband. we also have a child together who is 4 yrs old. that being said, i just can't bail out of this...my kids deserve better then that. 

i would say our biggest problem that causes major stress is that my husband has a VERY strong libido (wasn't like that before we got married, go figure) and if 2 or 3 days go by without him having sex, his abusive behavior is amplified. it's like there's poisen running through his veins. the emotional abuse i'm talking about has crushed my spirit and destroyed any bond i've had with this man. he focuses on and exaggerates all my negative traits and NEVER acknowledges anything positive about me. he's very narcissistic and can't fathom that his behavior is abusive and hurtful to me because he's perfect and everyone is stupid. 

i'm on anti-depressents which negatively impact my libido as well as the abuse and day to day stress of managing 3 young children. i have these 'passion killers' working against me and more times then not i have sex with him just to appease him and keep him off my back (no pun intended..lol) but he can tell i'm not into it and has made it clear it is no fun for him. since this last go around of us trying to 'work on the marraige' - him repeating the abusive behavior - me calling him out on it - him playing the victim and putting the blame on me (he's a spin dr.) - i detach and don't want to have sex with him. now it's divorce talk. but one of us moving out isn't an option due to not wanting to traumatize kids and finanaces won't permit. 

so what to do? we've talked about him having a girlfriend on the side which upsets me and makes me sick to my stomach because in some twisted dysfunctional way, i still love him. but on the other hand i can't picture spending the rest of my life with someone who's obsessively hyper-critical of me and has this impulsive need to assasinate my character. lemme tell you, i'm a good wife. i'm nuturing, supportive, i cook, i clean, we've had a hard time financially and i've adjusted by working those coupons/sales for food and going to yard sales for clothes (he even *****es about the yard sales where i find great stuff you'd never know it was second hand), etc. and cutting back spending wherev i can. instead of being pissed off at him for our financial situation i'm thankful for eduring this because it's made me a better resourceful person! (been falling down on house stuff lately i'm exhausted all the time, having health issues, this pisses him off and i get no leeway) 

i keep my self in shape and attractive for him, and i'm a good mom. what else could a husband ask for! but it's never enough for him he thinks he's entitled to ask for way more then he gives back. SO WHAT TO DO? do i try to further detach so i don't loose my sanity when he finds a fu** buddy on the side? we're not having sex so i'm sure it's just a matter of time before he finds someone else. his office is in our garage so he HAS to be here evday. this house, my neighbors kids, the neighborhood school is the center of my children's universe so i'm NOT leaving. ANY ADVICE? i feel like this is a hopeless situation.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I have been in an emotionally abused for nearly 28 years.
It will never get better.
Run as fast as you can


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think it's clear at this point that you only have three choices: Stay and endure the abusiveness, fight for your rights or try and find a way to bail out.

If I were you, I would start planning and preparing to make it on my own if and when the day comes that I would have too.

But keep in mind that if and when this ends in a divorce, you will NOT be without funds.

If you and hubby owns a home, that would be subject for sale and a 50/50 split. Also with young children, he will be required to provide child support and maybe even alimony.

As for reasons for the divorce? Document the abusiveness as well as his extra marital affairs which you can bring to your lawyer as evidence.

As far as traumatizing the kids? Kids are not dumb, when there's constant fights in the house, they feel it too. How long do you want to subject them to this? Indefinitely? Or is it better to have a talk with them and explain the situation? How long do you want to walk on eggshells? Your choice!

Once you're really fed up with everything, you can sit down with your husband and threaten to go through with a divorce if he doesn't make any changes. *Make it clear that it takes TWO to make or break a marriage and in-spite of what he believes, HE IS NOT WITHOUT FAULT.*

Make him aware of what he stands to lose! Sometimes, that will awaken a stubborn jerk (for lack of proper words). He not only stands to lose a wife but probably most of what he's worked for, and that's a lot!

You need to give him a timeline and stick to your guns!

Like I said you can stay and endure the abusiveness or you can fight and try to stand on your own.

FYI: It would make it easier to read if you didn't run all your sentences together. Break them up into a few paragraphs. I rarely read anything that I see written this way.


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## tiffany747 (Jun 7, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> I think it's clear at this point that you only have three choices: Stay and endure the abusiveness, fight for your rights or try and find a way to bail out.
> 
> If I were you, I would start planning and preparing to make it on my own if and when the day comes that I would have too.
> 
> ...


thank you kauaiguy, some wise advice. 
he's superworried about his bussiness and house $$ so i think he's gonna push for the divorce, he's so paranoid to begin with and is always ranting about how the married man gets screwed and the lazy, spoiled wives get everything the husbands have worked so hard for. i'm sure that's true in many cases, but not this one. 
you're so right about the icky running paragraphs, i'll fix that. thank you


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## tiffany747 (Jun 7, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> I have been in an emotionally abused for nearly 28 years.
> It will never get better.
> Run as fast as you can


wow, when i read your reply it was like a cold jolt of adrenaline (?) or something hit me in the chest and rippled out through the tips of my fingers and toes, sent chills down my spine. i guess deep down inside i believe what you're saying. even though i don't want to. i want there to be hope for us as a family. the truth really does hurt. he's never going to change. his father modeled this behavior during his childhood, it's too ingrained in him. are you still married? have you read any books about this? i want to order 'toxic men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable' by lillian glass. here's the link if you're interested; Amazon.com: Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable (9781440500077): Glass Lillian: Books 
thank you for your straightforwardness


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Tiffany, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. From a marriage counselor who is VERY pro marriage, I would say to get out! Don't worry about the whole divorce thing yet, your first priority should be getting out of this situation.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"his father modeled this behavior during his childhood"

I was talking to a friend today who was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for 22 years. We decided that it was his mother who modeled that the abusive behavior of his father worked. Losing your sanity might actually teach him a thing or two - such as, his behavior has limits, and if he pushes you too far he's going to have a huge psych hospital bill to pay. While you're out there doing rehab field trips with your inpatient unit, he'll be watching the kids and scrubbing the toilet. You're getting tougher and tougher and rising to the challenge, but where is it leading...it's just going to escalate. You have nothing to lose by putting your foot down, except your marriage, and that's already a foregone conclusion the way things are going.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I understand his frustration with not getting enough sex. But his reaction is flat out wrong. You have a medical condition that's preventing physical intimacy. He feels unloved and lashes out. That makes you feel unloved and even less likely to want intimacy. And there's your cycle.

We men can get downright childish when we dont get it. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Just empathy.


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## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

Tiffany, I read your story and it home so much. My husband often critisizes me about everything and anything he doesn't like or agree with. He rags on me way more than a reasonable amount and in conflict is horribly emotionally and verbally abusive. Needless to say, it takes its toll and we go through periods where he threatens to leave, takes off his rings and says horrible things as he walks out the door. We were best when we went to a wonderful therapist on a regular basis. But, without that help, there is little hope. Like your husband, mine thinks there's nothing wrong with what he says or does, but spins everything around on me. I can't tell you the future or give you hope. Only you know if it's worth saving. I myself eat a lot for the kids in hopes that I'm making the right decisions. I can't imagine a divorce and putting the kids through that can't be better for them.But, who knows. I also feel very stuck and feel if I could support them all by myself without working 100 hours a week, I would leave. No matter what its better for the kids to have a mommy and daddy together SO LONG AS your conflicts remain behind closed doors. The kids shouldn't be in the middle. If you divorce, they are in the middle. I'm trying to do right by my kids as it sounds you are too. I'd be glad to talk w/ you outside of this forum. I Hope even just one thing I said helps you. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mandabear (Jun 20, 2011)

i am going through the exact same thing! i still dont know what to do! i have nowhere to go, literally and my husband knows that which makes it harder to leave! maybe i should post my own story? anyway, i hope everything works out for the best! wish i had something more helpful to say  im at my wits end like most other women who have this issue


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