# Where does sex go when it dies?



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm a long time lurker but only a recent poster.

I'm not ready to add the details of my own miserable story to the long list of deeply depressing sexless marriage stories but the headline is my marriage has been completely sexless for years. It has recently become more complicated but more on that later.

In answer to the entirely appropriate question of why I am still married: the last and only time we had sex in the last decade produced a child. My wife is a good mother and the idea of becoming "Weekend Dad" is unacceptable to me at least until he is into his teen years. We don't have a tense home environment since sex is a non-issue. As far as I am concerned our sex life is over and I no longer have any sexual interest in her. The only difference for my son is that unlike many parents most nights I prefer to sleep on the couch. I wanted to be a dad so now I have to live with my decision.


Now for my question...

Most "sexless" stories I see seem to have some indication early in the relationship that sex was going to be a problem. Often it seems the sexless partner was at best neutral about sex at the beginning and subsequently their modest sex drive dropped to zero. In my case, I truly don't think I could have predicted it. There is no premarital counseling or anything else that would helped. Our sex life was great for the first few years and her drive was actually higher then mine. But then it suddenly died completely.

Setting aside situations where sex disappeared with the arrival of children or an affair, has anyone experienced a sudden and then permanent dramatic loss of sex drive?


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

why set aside on children or affair..?

there are many cases, where in people never know of the affair..


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Stryker said:


> why set aside on children or affair..?
> 
> there are many cases, where in people never know of the affair..


In my case, I have of course wondered about the possibility of an affair but I would say it is extremely unlikely. Firstly I generally know where she is and what she is doing at all time. Also, she is very bad at lying even when you wish she would. 

Also there are many different ways in which I can tell that her overall interest in sex is different. The way she talks about it in general. Her masturbation habits have changed etc.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I know you want to discount the arrival of a child/children in the scenario....but seeing as you have one and you haven't really given us much info then when we respond, we can't ignore that fact. 

Did her sex drive disappear before or after she became pregnant? If it was after....how long after?

When you have asked her about it...what has her response been? Why does she say she isn't into sex anymore?

You said you wanted to be a father and you are now living with that decision....did your wife want to be a mother at the time she fell pregnant...or ever?

If she didn't....did you pressure, coerce, encourage her into it?

If not having sex isn't an issue between you and your wife....why are you sleeping on the lounge? Being there in the home for your son is great....but how do you think seeing his Dad sleeping on the lounge every night will affect the way he sees "normal" relationship behaviour?


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

In my relationship things were great in the beginning and for about 4 years were good its been the last year things have been getting worse and worse.
I remember once he had to go stay with his parents for a night and we were wondering how we could go the 12 hours apart with no sex!

As for where it went i have no idea.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The same place your heart goes. It shrivels up into a wad of black resentment.

Understandably, you now say you have no interest in sex with your wife. Assuming that is because you have been rejected too often.

It's not a nice way to live. Are you interested in fixing it?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

For us the sex went from neutral to less than zero as soon as the ring was on my finger. But the majority of the stories (that I've heard) of the wife losing interest in sex seem to stem from having a child, menopause, or weight gain. Could any of these be a factor?

Does she deny and obfuscate when you try to talk about it with her? That's what my husband does.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Setting aside situations where sex disappeared with the arrival of children or an affair, has anyone experienced a sudden and then permanent dramatic loss of sex drive?


A lot of times the decline is not sudden, but rather slow - but suddenly one day you wake up and start to wonder what happened and where it went. It's more like the frog that is slowly boiled to death - if put in cool water and then the heat is gently applied until boiling, the frog will sit there complacently until it boils to death. If it was really sudden decline like you say, it would be like a frog thrown in a pot of already boiling water - it would scramble to get out of it.

If it was a sudden decline like you say, was anything tried to intercede and find out what was going on and try to address it at that time? A sudden decline or change should be a banner waving that something needs to be addressed right away.

You may have to give more detail if you want more detailed discussion. 

Best wishes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP, is your question along the lines of asking what the root of this problem is?

My answer is, who cares why. If we've learned anything it's that sexuality is ineffable and beyond explanation. There's no point is wasting any time with trying to understand why and how it's broken. It's just broken. I prefer a behavioristic approach that ignores the inner being and focuses on the outer actions.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

He does have a point. I'm not even sure I want to know "why" at this point. He's obviously incapable of changing, all whys aside.


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## Redd7899 (Feb 4, 2012)

I hear where you're coming from, but if you are staying until your son is older you really need to be sleeping int he same room as your wife/his mother. You can sleep in the same bed without having sex, trust me this I know! I can lay naked in bed & he just falls asleep, and just for the record, I take very good care of my body and myself. I don't know how old your son is right now, but it's likely he already knows something is wrong. May I ask why you can't sleep in the same bed? If not all the time, but some of the time? The other times you can just say you were snoring so you went out on the couch (funny but not, I know)


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks for your replies. In answer to some of our questions...

The problems clearly predated the pregnancy. That is why I say I have to live with my decision. I knew it was a problem but agreed to have sex specifically to conceive. I wanted to be a father. 

And yes, she also very much wanted to be pregnant. Our last sex was limited to conception sex and fortunately we seem to be fertile. And yes, for me it was awful. It was too much of a reminder of what used to be and the wasting of most of my adult sex life.

As for her explanation, well she avoids the topic. And that is very different then in the early years. Originally when I forced the conversation, she would say things like she wanted me to just initiate more. When I did her lack of interest was self-evident and it just turned me off. She really put no effort into it. Later she said she had no explanation and simply said she could go the rest of her life without sex.

I sleep on the couch because I prefer to sleep alone. I like to go to bed when I want and I like to put the TV on when I want and fall asleep with it on without waking anyone. In another kind of marriage I would happily give that up but that is not the case now. My son seems to think it is normal. At some point when he is older he will realize it is not, but by then I hope he will be in a better position to handle the knowledge. 

Weight gain or body issues are not a factor. She is very comfortable in her skin and has no problem being naked. 

For me the worse part came when I stopped blaming her and my own personal theory was that it was hormonal.

Eventually I stopped blaming her for her lack of sex drive. I can see its just not there. 

I didn't want her guilt or her pity. I just wanted her to care and understand. Her attitude was very much, "because I don't want sex I might do you a favour once in a while but lets just all be clear this is just for you".

By contrast she herself used to stress the importance of a good sexlife early in our relationship. She really has no excuse for ignorance. I am absolutely certain that if the situation was reversed she would be crushed, but I would done my damnedest to happily accommodate her.

As I mentioned at the beginning there has been a more recent "complication" but I just wondered if anyone else had such a hot and cold experience for no apparent explanation.


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## rybalizak (Feb 7, 2012)

The same place your heart goes.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Mine has gone into written erotica, it pours from me out into the page, but i don't think i could post it here, it would get me banned.

sex never dies.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> I sleep on the couch because I prefer to sleep alone. I like to go to bed when I want and I like to put the TV on when I want and fall asleep with it on without waking anyone. In another kind of marriage I would happily give that up but that is not the case now. My son seems to think it is normal. At some point when he is older he will realize it is not, but by then I hope he will be in a better position to handle the knowledge.


My kids find it strange their grandparents share a bed. Husband made the exodus to the couch many years ago (his choice).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

down the drain. after you masterbated in the shower.


probly her too masterbating in the shower or when your not around.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Actually, I was aware of her doing it once when she thought I was asleep, and I assume she does it when she watches a particular TV series after I have gone to sleep, but in general I realized there was serious and possibly permanent trouble when she went form periodically masturbating when times were good, to almost never masturbating.

We used to talk about such things openly.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lionelhutz said:


> Actually, I was aware of her doing it once when she thought I was asleep, and I assume she does it when she watches a particular TV series after I have gone to sleep, but in general I realized there was serious and possibly permanent trouble when she went form periodically masturbating when times were good, to almost never masturbating.
> 
> We used to talk about such things openly.


I think shes just more carefull so you don't pester her to have sex with you.

if she did before most likley she doing it now and more often.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

She's not having sex with you but is masturbating? Is it possible she's questioning her sexuality?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I think shes just more carefull so you don't pester her to have sex with you.
> 
> if she did before most likley she doing it now and more often.


 No she has no reason to hide it. 

When I say I gave up on sex with her, I mean I decided that we were no longer had a sexual relationship. I have not attempted to initiate, make a pass, made any sexual remark in literally years. The last time she asked me about my masturbation habits I told that part of my life was no longer her business. I don't care about her masturbation habits anymore. There has been once or twice in the last few years where she made a half-hearted attempt at initiating and I turned her down.

It is important to note that when I rejected her and told her my sex life was no longer her concern, she had nothing to say. That is not like her because she is no shrinking violet. 

Why did I make the decision? Because I simply cannot go through it again. The declining years of our sex life and the years of blaming myself and then tying everything I could to fix it were gut-wrenching and destructive. I am more confident and happy since I made the decision that part of our relationship was over. 

In short, I would be open to repairing our marriage, but I am not remotely interested in restarting our sex life until she seems capable of really talking about it and then truly understanding and caring about it.


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