# End of Deployment



## Guy433 (Jun 7, 2011)

I am turning the last leg on a year deployment to Iraq. My wife has been living back at our hometown. The past month has been busy for her. She purchased a new truck and moved back to her parents in anticipation to move down to Texas to meet me when I get back.
With that said we have barely talked in the last month. I try talking to her over the internet but usually don't get much of a response. Two days ago I let her know that the lack of communication is draining me and I need some time set aside where she can talk to me. Maybe an hour a week.
She responded with saying that I am smothering her and that I am controlling and mentally abusive. Now she is talking about divorce. 
The controlling and mentally abusive part I do not understand. I do not think I am. Anytime I say something that she doesn't like she will say that I am trying to control her or am disrespecting her.
Today was the first time we spoke in a few days. She was at her friends house and would't give me more than 10 minutes then turned off her phone. 
My wife suffers from depression. Could all of this be part of that? She seems to think that I now have PTSD. Her version of PTSD is what the media sells. That I am going to come home and kill people and beat her. That couldn't be further from the truth. 
Does anyone have experience in a situation similar, and if so what did you do? I want to try and save this marriage, but I know she has to be willing.


----------



## not surprised (Jun 14, 2011)

Hello Guy,
I'm sorry to hear about what is going on with your marriage. I've been working on my divorce papers today. The way it has been for me is I feel like I have been totally taken advantage of. When my money ran out so did he. We have only been married since November but it is so painful. I paid everything and I would try to get him to help but he wouldn't. I would always say honey this marriage is my priority and he would always say school was his. It would hurt my feelings so bad. I've tried all I know to do to talk to him to save it but he never answer emails or anything. I think we have both been used. Oh and why couldn't she tell you how smothering you were before she bought a new truck. Which I'm sure your money has paid for or has helped pay for. I personally think she wants out of the marriage since your coming home and actually has to live with you now. Here depression probably stems from her "gravy train" being over and wants out of the marriage. People that are in it for the wrong reason are more than ready to leave when its time for "the real world". As far a PTSD I understand it completely. You may not even have it, some don't. However, if this is this girls reason (excuse) not to want to be with you it just means she was never with you, you just thought she was. Thats painful I know but its not the end of the world even though it feels like it right now.


----------



## not surprised (Jun 14, 2011)

Oh and by the way thank you for your service to our country!


----------



## rolltidemom86 (Jun 29, 2011)

My husband well ex husband has PTSD, after 3 tours in 4 yrs yeah it was evident. He never beat me, but threatened too, he drank alot,couldn't keep a job still can't to my knowledge, two months after we were married, i had our son and the next day he moved in with the girl he was cheating on me with. It doesn't sound like you have PTSD, just sounds like you miss home and your wife and you need the comfort.

If i was in your situation i'd ask what her deal is, or what is she so scared about, and thank you for serving.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going to be faced with all of this when you come home. I think the key here is that this is about her. It's not about you. You may want to ask mutual friends and family what is going on with her. It sounds as though someone else or something is occupying her thoughts now.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So she bought a new truck. With your money or with hers. You don't say if she has a job or what your agreement has been in your marriage regarding finances and decisions. 

She moved in anticipation of your return, to be with you. That is a huge upheaval. Moving is a lot of work, physically, emotionally, mentally, administratively/logistically. On top of return from deployment. 

Did she actually verbalize that you were going to come back and beat on and kill people? Or is that your perception.

If she said you were abusive then she must have some basis for it. Unfounded or not. 

Has she been in IC? Personally, in a marriage where your spouse is either rightly telling you or wrongly telling you that you've been abusive, either way I'd head for IC myself. If you have been abusive, you can discover how and have more insight into yourself. If you haven't been abusive, and are being falsely accused and your W is depressed, you'll need IC to deal with changing your communication style so that she does not perceive you in this way. 

Life is like that. Even when you tool along and things are perfect in your little sphere of personal life, invite another person to share your life and things are going to be messy. That's why a marriage starts out with a nice cake. You need the energy.

My H is deployed. He's been to Iraq twice, and is now in a desk job in Kuwait. I have no doubt that he is messed up, but he was messed up prior to any war. He has some kind of complex where he actively engages in activities where people get angry at him - for this reason I think he is peeved he didn't go to Afghanistan. I don't feed into his needs because they are unhealthy. I limit my contact with him at the moment to instances where I know I can either ignore his maneuverings to provoke me or to guarantee a positive exchange. This does mean reduced phone calls. He is not fully aware of his pattern of behavior. Basically he surrounds himself with people who are massively codependent and feed into his perceptions and behavior. He sees himself as a nice guy who 'doesn't understand women and relationships'. He spends a lot of time building surface validity and avoids situations or discussions that would expose him fully to his issues. He does not do well on his own and has trouble dealing with his 'dark side'. He is like a moth who flies to the light. I do my best not to follow him. It could be that there is a similar dynamic in your relationship. If you don't explore it, you'll never know.

Therapy never hurt anyone. If she thinks you have PTSD, just go to the VA when you get back, go to the walk-in mental health desk and get screened for it. I don't see that it's such a big deal. When I had anaphylaxis it got misdiagnosed as psychotic anxiety and one VA hospital wanted to commit me without any testing! I said fine, if I am psychotic I'll go to this other VA hospital (WRJ VT) where they specialize in psych care and get screened. I went in and got screened, was hospitalized for extensive medical testing and did some therapy and got a clean bill of mental health and an epi pen and OTC allergy meds. Didn't hurt one bit, except finding out my H was abusive and gaining some perspective on that. (He went rock climbing while I was in the hospital and didn't even stop by to bring me a taco from the nearby Taco Bell on his way to his friends' house in Burlington VT for dinner. Didn't want to be late. Best diagnostic test I got from that hospital stay. Much more useful than the MRI, EKG, neuro tests, toxicology screens - for poisoning by accident or on purpose without my knowledge -, cancer and hormone tests, etc.) 

This is a pretty clear issue. You go get screened for PTSD and any other issue. You have your relationship assessed in MC (free of charge due to the deployment cycle benefits). I think your ego is too tied up in this. You shouldn't even be thinking about blaming issues that could have been created just by your deployment and those adjustment issues, on your wife's depression. Maybe her depression is managed. Maybe she made concessions to you in the past that she is not willing to make any more. If you don't explore this, you will lose. Maybe you have been off to war, but now you have to be a warrior on the home front. That means walking over the ground at home that might have land mines under it. I do it every day. Some things have a long fuse. So long that you might have become accustomed to thinking that they'll never blow. False sense of security.

Maybe you thought things were great when you deployed. 
Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. 
If you don't walk towards it, you won't find out.
People don't waste their energy or breath saying something they don't mean.
Rather than cutting you off, it might be also that your wife is self-censoring, as a way not to make a bad situation for herself even worse. Your perception of the relationship is only that.


----------



## IvanDrago (Jul 9, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your troubles Guy. I had the same issues with my old lady before I returned home from Afghanistan. I'd like to tell you it got better when I got home but it didn't. We've been married for two years but only lived in the same place or been together for 7 (non-consecutive) months of that two years. Basically she says that she and I have changed so much that I don't "know" her anymore and she doesn't know if she still loves me or wants to be married. No abuse, no cheating (at least that I know of) and financially it's all OK. We're going to counseling but it's really dependent on her level of commitment. I'm not the one who changed my mind about loving my spouse. I love my wife but I'm not going to spend my life waiting for her to decide whether or not she's going to participate in our relationship. 
You may have a bit of PTSD depending on your tour but I think that's become a convenient buzz word/blame game for the CIVDIV. I've had some issues but talking with people who get it (not head shrinkers or chaplains) helps. To the poster above who doesn't understand "what the big deal is", the fear is that if you get help, they put you on the rubber gun squad. If this is the case find a place (not just the bar) frequented by vets, cops, and/or firefighters and make friends outside your unit. Most of us have a lot of similar experiences (dead bodies, getting shot at, watching friends die) and I've found it to be helpful. 
Often the military makes us choose to either leave a relationship or get married too soon. Sometimes the former would have been a more prudent choice.


----------

