# Am I being selfish



## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

I have been married for 13 years, in a bumpy marriage but no thought of divorce. And hope on both sides that we can resolve our differences/past mistakes. That is the short overview of our relationship. The issue I need help with:

My wife is scheduled to go on a trip to UK with her mother who is from there. The trip is scheduled to last for 14 days. 3 years ago my wife went on the same trip for 16 days and it was hell on the kids and me who at the time were in 2nd grade, 1st grade and pre-school. When she told me last night the trip was for 14 days I was surprised because she is aware how hard the last trip was on the family. My kids are now 5th, 4th and 2nd grade.  

That said, last night while we were talking. I asked my wife to consider shortening her stay to 10 days and that I thought 14 days is just too long to be away that it was hell on the kids. 

Well my wife takes offense She starts in with how this could be her last opportunity to go with her mom and that she wants to maximize trip. How she feels she needs to spend the time with an elderly uncle over there and how since this is her last chance to go on a trip over there she needs the time to make it count. 

So there we are. She is mad at me because I have in someway taken the fun away from her and replaced it with guilt for going. I never said I didn't want her to go. I just want her to not go for so long, especially during the school year. 

My question to TAM is am I being unreasonable?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How old is her mother? Is she in poor health? Is this truly "one of the last times" your wife may get to spend time with her?

All I can say is, three years is a long time in child development. I suspect this time around your kids will do much better than they did the last time.

I don't think 14 days is unreasonable for an overseas family trip, although it is pushing the limit. She is going to be with her mother; not like a Girls' Trip to Europe kind of thing.

Can you hire a sitter to fill in some of the gaps while she is gone? Maybe a high school or college age person who your kids enjoy spending time with. Fill up their time with fun activities. Maybe arrange for them to go to a sleepover one of the nights with friends or family. Or have a big sleepover at your house. Drive-in movie night. Ice-cream Sundae bar at home. They need some really fun things to look forward to to get their minds off Mom being gone.

Finally, don't project your unhappiness at her leaving. Don't pout, sulk or have arguments in front of the kids. Kids are perceptive and pick up on EVERYTHING. If they know you are struggling with this, they will too.

Just my 2 cents...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

For the first trip, with 3 kids, one in preschool, two weeks is too long.

They're older now, so two weeks is probably OK.

What bothers me more is that:

#1 she _informed_ you rather than discuss with you how long she is going.

#2 moms all feel guilt for leaving their kids, and that's likely what you triggered. Don't let her guilt control you via emotional manipulation.

What I'd do?

Let her go. And plan a two week trip away somewhere without her or the kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What exactly was the "hell" part?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Um, kinda, sorta selfish. But I do see both sides, so...

I think you all can help prepare for the trip a little better this time around. Have a set menu with easy to make or pre-made meals in the freezer. If your wife has an itinerary, then have the kids map out where she is. Have your wife tell stories about her uncle and maybe show them photos of him. Daily contact with phone calls and pics is an easy way the kids can be a part of the trip.

This IS a chance of a lifetime. And your wife IS coming back. Let her enjoy two weeks knowing you've got the home life covered. The kids are older this time, it will be a little easier this time.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Too many unknowns here.

1. Why is this "her last opportunity to go"?
2. Is this something discussed with both of you consenting to as in "Husband, I think date x-y would work for me to travel with my mom back to England. Do you think that would work?" or is it more of her just TELLING you "By the way, on date x-y, I'm traveling with my mom."?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You probably would have felt better about it if you had expressed how your felt and then your wife would have responded "I know babe. Im really concerned about you and the kids too. But I just really feel like I need this time with my Mom and other older relatives. Can we talk about what we can do before I leave to make things easier for you and the kids." If she shows that she is a caring wife and mother otherwise, it could be that she got defensive because of her unexpressed concerns. Its too bad because it makes you feel like your are not a priority. But I bet she probably as concerned as you are but feels she really needs to do this. 

Now if she start to make this a habit, then you all need to have a serious talk.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sounds like a lot of arguments in my house...wife assumes one thing, gets committed, THEN decides to tell me about it. Normally I just let it slide, but then every once in a while...it bugs me and a big Donnybrook results.

I know the reason, we are not communicating often and deeply enough.

So you are probably not as concerned about the length of the trip, its that she did not bother to discuss it at all with you first, then shows up with the tickets all booked. Yeah that is not being selfish, that is just standing up for your rights in the relationship.

but the solution is better communications. Explain to her why you are pissed off (she will not get it....so you will have to explain it over and over till she does).

I do hope she is not shtooping some sheepherder back home for 3 weeks while she says she is at the mom's. Why is she not taking one or two of the kids along? They are old enough, and I am sure mom would love to have them


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Why is she not taking one or two of the kids along? They are old enough...


^ ^ ^

THIS. :iagree:

It would be a fabulous learning experience for your 4th and 5th graders.

And before you start with the "they can't miss two weeks of school", I would offer that this trip will be FAR more educational than two weeks of spelling and rote math drills.

With advance planning between you and the teachers, this could have been arranged. I used to be a teacher and often had to prepare assignments ahead of time for this exact thing when students traveled. I never minded a bit, I figured it was a wonderful opportunity for the kids -- and I wished I was the one going!


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> How old is her mother? Is she in poor health? Is this truly "one of the last times" your wife may get to spend time with her?
> 
> Her mom is mid-late 60s.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sampson001 (May 30, 2013)

Revamped said:


> Um, kinda, sorta selfish. But I do see both sides, so...
> 
> I think you all can help prepare for the trip a little better this time around. Have a set menu with easy to make or pre-made meals in the freezer. If your wife has an itinerary, then have the kids map out where she is. Have your wife tell stories about her uncle and maybe show them photos of him. Daily contact with phone calls and pics is an easy way the kids can be a part of the trip.
> 
> This IS a chance of a lifetime. And your wife IS coming back. Let her enjoy two weeks knowing you've got the home life covered. The kids are older this time, it will be a little easier this time.



I do want her to have fun. I don't mind that she is going. This will be her 3rd trip in 7 years with her Mom to UK. I don't think it will be her last as long as we can afford I'm happy to give her the opportunity. My concern is the kids. Our oldest is LD we can't afford for her to get behind. I work a ton as a sales rep. and know that regardless of the stuff she has organized it will fall back on me as it has in trips past. No one cares like the immediate fam. And no one understands I'm working even though I may be at home when I'm not out visiting customers. I can say it til I'm blue I. The face but they just all say well you can pick when you need to travel. Etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Going to Europe for 10 days is too short, give her the time.

Suck it up and take care of the kids and give your wife the time she deserves with her mother.

Even 2 weeks is kind of short....especially when you consider how much it costs to fly.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Spouses of deployed servicemen and women do it all the time. About once a year my husband is gone for up to two weeks and I have to handle everything at home. You'll be okay.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is there any option for (as an example) your mom coming to hang out with you guys for a week or so?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think you have genuine concerns and it would be good if she helped. So, I don't think you are being selfish. If she didn't consult with you first and just decided, that's selfish of her. But I'm not clear that that's what she did. 

I think it's better to approach with your feelings than what you think the solution to the problem is (e.g. "I'm worried about being able to take care of the kids by myself while you're gone" instead of "will you shorten your trip") but she may have gotten defensive either way. Maybe at this point you can say, "Okay, I get that you don't want to shorten your trip. Would you be willing to help me figure out how to make things easier while you're gone?"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So I think it would have been nice for her to discuss this with you just out of respect, but i'm troubled that you can't look after your own kids for 2 weeks. What would you do if she left you? If she died? I too was a military spouse who worked full time, and I took care of toddlers by myself for 6 months at a time. You can't manage for 2 weeks? How was this "hell" on the kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I can understand how it could be hard to deal with "mom" being gone for 2 weeks, but I don't think it's something that would be "hell". You have to plan ahead big time to make it easier on you. I think at this age your kids should be just fine without their mother for 2 weeks. If it were possible for you to take the time off and spend it with your kids, that would be even better. If that isn't possible, plan as much time with them and plan fun activities to keep them busy and tired!


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## Heartland (Jul 18, 2014)

Regardless of whether or not 2 weeks is too long or whether or not it's hell, you and your wife want different things. And you both really want them--you don't want her to be gone, and she wants to be with her family of origin. 

Is there a way that you could compromise? Do you have a family member who could come help out? Or, as others have suggested, are there ways that you could work together to limit the stress on you and the kids?


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

DoF said:


> Going to Europe for 10 days is too short, give her the time.
> 
> Suck it up and take care of the kids and give your wife the time she deserves with her mother.
> 
> Even 2 weeks is kind of short....especially when you consider how much it costs to fly.


Agree with DOF totally here.

It sounds like this is a great opportunity to work on your kid skills. Have fun with them and surprise your wife when she gets back by saying "You should have taken 3 weeks".


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You should be able to handle your children and the household just fine in her absence. Children miss their parents who are in the military too and those who work away from home on long stretches. They survive just fine and so will yours. They will miss her, but 2 weeks won't kill them. 

If you don't want to have to handle the household and children, then confess that. You still shouldn't be selfish, but at least you wouldn't be blaming it on the kids.

Hug your wife and apologize. Let her know you were being selfish because you will miss her so much and you're not as adept at running things as she is. Tell her you and the kids will be okay and you hope she enjoys her trip.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you ever get to take holidays without her/the kids ? For the same sort of period of time ?

Firstly, two weeks is about right for a visit across the pond to the UK. Secondly, although I understand that you feel that coping with the kids will be tough, she needs to understand that you want her to enjoy herself when she is going away because she probably already feels guilty about the kids. So while your not being selfish, you could be more upbeat and make her feel better.

What I wanted to know is this: is this a one sided thing or does she give you similar breaks with your family etc.


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