# Specialplace's story



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have started several threads about what I am going through and someone suggested that I put it all in one place so here is my story:

I married my high school sweetheart. He is the only person I have ever loved and I've spent my entire adult life with him. We were married 17 years and together for over 20. Last winter he started acting a little distant from me. It was around his birthday (40) and I figured he was having a hard time with it. He told me shortly after his birthday that he was not in love with me any more and that he was thinking of leaving. I was in total shock. We did not argue a lot or have any major problems that I was aware of. I still considered him to be my best friend and I was definitely still in love with him. I begged and pleaded for him to reconsider. 

We stayed together for the next few months but things were strained. He was not trying and spent all of his evenings on his iPhone. He often hid his phone and would sleep on the couch most of the time. I asked him numerous times if he was having an affair and the answer was always no. He said that he wanted to be by himself and was only interested in working out, playing golf, seeing his friends. About three months after his announcement that he was not in love with me, a mutual friend told me that it was common knowledge that he was having an affair with someone he worked with. I confronted him and he seemed really upset that I would believe that. He adamantly denied it and even tried to get closer to me in the next few weeks. He told me that we were going to have a fresh start and have a great summer with our son. Needless to say, that didn't happen. In August, he came home from the gym one day and announced that he was leaving. He said that he didn't want to hurt me any more, but that he didn't want to be married to me any longer. He left at the end of that week. At first, we talked and he would come over to the house and even hugged me a few times as he left. As we got further along in the divorce process, he started to distance himself more and more. Now, he tells me that he wants nothing at all to do with me and describes me as a "nutcase". He rarely answers my phone calls or emails and when he does he always has something negative or mean to say to me. 

Oh, yes, he has a girlfriend now, too. He said that they only met a few weeks ago, but I do not believe that is true. She has a child, too. He says they are "just friends", yet the day that he told my son about her he wanted him to go meet her! 

The hardest part of this whole thing is my H's attitude toward me. He was the one who hurt me. He is the one who left me. Why in the world does he hate me? Why can't he have an amicable relationship with me since we have a child together? Everything I try fails. I never believed that I would ever be without him and now I don't even have him as a friend. 

I am deeply unhappy and lonely. I'm trying to focus on myself and my son, but this is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. If you have read this whole thing, I thank you for sticking with it. Send good vibes my way for strength!


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I am sending good vibes your way >hug<

Maybe he's treating you unkindly because he feels guilty about his choices. If he "rewrites" history and tries to paint you as a nutcase, it's just his way of coping with his guilt.

I'm sure that in time, he will have to face the truth and will start to treat you better but until then, just try to brave it.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I feel the deep hurt and anguish too. It doesn't make sense how he can negate all the good in the marriage and leave you...after everything that you two have been through. I feel your pain xxxxxxx


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

"The hardest part of this whole thing is my H's attitude toward me. He was the one who hurt me. *He is the one who left me. Why in the world does he hate me? Why can't he have an amicable relationship with me since we have a child together?* Everything I try fails.."

You're a detriment to HIS happiness - you're standing in his way to a better life. He's mad at you because he's afraid to look in the mirror. He has to convince himself that he hates you in order to rid himself of you.

Typical WS Script.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

There is the 17 to 20 years again. Very common period when the crisis of mid life hits. Then that 40 something year old starts looking around for greener pastures, becomes distant and emotionally detaches. 

Its a fog. They may recover from it, if not too much damage is done, but the question is what do you want?

If you want to save your marriage and see an ounce of hope, get a copy of Divorce Remedy and make it your bible. Learn the 180 and live it. As hard as it is, you need to make yourself stronger ...for you! 

Sometimes when the fog lifts and they realize the grass aint so green over there, they wake up and see what they are losing. If you can minimize the damage, there is better hope for the marriage.

In the end if you 180 and things don't work out, you will be in a better place to move forward.

Big hug from me to you! I wish you well.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I married my childhood sweetheart - we were together for 15 years, married for 8 - I didn't get to have children - but my husband also left me in a similar manner to what you describe. Loads of similar signs of an affair (hiding his phone, being out all the time, very distant - physically and emotionally etc etc) exactly as you described. He adamantly denied affair(s) - very defensive / angry that I could even 'think' he might be having an affair when confronted etc. He made noises about leaving for a time and then suddenly he did - ironically it was also going to the gym one day! He said he couldn't see me so upset anymore - he was obviously making me unhappy - so it was best he left. 

We are divorced now and I'm much better without him - his affair(s) and secretive behaviour over such a long time were really pretty damaging for me and I was really very unhappy for a long long time in the marriage. 

He was really unpleasant to me during the divorce - I think looking back the reason behind that (and I think for your husband too) was guilt. There is no doubt in my mind now, but at the time I couldn't understand it. The only way to 'justify' his actions to himself and the world is to make you out to be so unbearable that he was 'forced' to leave and had no choice in the matter - that means that it's nothing that he did wrong.

When the divorce was actually final, my ex-husband suddenly changed totally - he suddenly wanted to talk, to apologise, to see if i was 'ok' to try to clean his concience with me. It was like he suddenly realised that he had what he wanted- no fuss, no tantrums, I wasn't 'out to get him', all he was left with was no marriage and the hurt of screwing someone over really badly who he had spent most of his life with. The music stopped and he suddenly wondered what he had been running from. 

Anyway, that's how it was for me. Keep strong, my advice would just be to look after yourself and your son best as you can. Don't rise to any of his comments. Just maintain your dignity. In the end, you won't have anything to regret and you will come away knowing you never compromised your values. In the end I guarentee he will deeply regret how he treated you. At that point, you might not care much anymore, but the main thing is that you come out of the situation confident with your choices and actions.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

It's been about three weeks since my last post and I feel like I'm going backwards in my recovery process here. H refused to answer all texts and phone calls from me this weekend. He does that every so often to "prove to me" that he doesn't have to talk to me if he doesn't want to. When he needed a favor from me, I heard from him. Anyone have 180 success stories to inspire me? So far, I haven't done it consistently.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

What are you calling and texting him about?

If you're doing the 180 the only things you should need to contact him about are those that concern D, your child or joint financial obligations.

I think my 180 has gone pretty sucessfully. Don't get me wrong - I do have the occasional back slide from time to time where I might miss him (the old him) for a bit - but I do not contact my STBXH at all, unless of course if it has something to do with our D.

I will admit, it's a lot easier for me because I do not have children with my ex and therefore do not have to see him. The less I saw of him the easier it was not to contact him. Also, thinking of all the ways he screwed me over (and continues to screw me over) makes it even easier not to want to have any contact with him.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Special place, I really feel for you. I think I know exactly how you feel. I am in IC right now, so if you'd like, I can share with you some of the things I have learned over the past couple of months that I think may help you get to the point where your're at least out of your fog. I didn't start a thread here because in some ways, I'm still embarrassed and my divorce isn't finalized. Pm me if you want me to share with you what my counselor has recommended.


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