# Unable to function at family gatherings



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Quick recap: Three months ago I was caught in EA. It ended the same day. NC has been sustained. Wife has forgiven me. I am unable to forgive myself. Only my wife, the OW, and my counselor know of the EA. She wants it this way.

I'm dreading Thanksgiving. Every year we go to a family gathering for Thanksgiving. This year, I have to pretend that there's nothing wrong with me. I am having extreme difficulty doing so even when I'm with my own wife and kids. The shame from what I did controls all my thoughts.

I recently visited my parents (in their 70's) for a special occasion. I was unable to look either of them in the eye. I was uncomfortable before I even arrived at their house. Even though they don't know about the EA, I feel ashamed to be seen by them. 

Now, Thanksgiving is in a few days. I'm already feeling anxious and fearful about being in such a large group with the core of me yelling out to only me "I'm a cheater! I hurt my wife!"

My inability to forgive myself is further damaging my marriage. My wife told me this as well after we visited my parents. I was very distant with her during the visit and when we got back home. She is really aggravated that she is fighting to pull me back into the marriage, when it should be me fighting to pull her back in. I know this, but I feel that I don't deserve her any longer. So I hear this as "I'm hurting her yet again", which in turn feeds my reason for not forgiving myself and makes it stronger by reenforcing that I don't deserve her because I keep hurting her. She's not going to take much more of this. 

I don't know how I will do at Thanksgiving. I'm not very social as it is. Then Christmas is coming next. I was already asked what I wanted for Christmas by my adult kids and wife. All I can think of is "I deserve nothing. So get me nothing." But I can't say that. So I just say "I don't know."

I can barely function in any situation. My stress is extremely high. My self-esteem is gone. Even my counselor appears to have given up on me. I'm trying to find a way out. But I'm blinded mentally, and can't see one.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are being too hard on yourself. You know what you did was wrong and you are remorseful. That's a great start to rebuilding your relationship. Time will help with how you feel. But, I understand why you are having anxiety. The holidays are almost here and time isn't on your side.

Perhaps find another therapist if you are having doubts about your current one. Also, if your anxiety is really this bad, you may want to get further evaluation. 

Good luck with Thanksgiving. Don't be so hard on yourself and enjoy the blessings you have. You've really got a lot to be thankful for. You are getting a second chance with your marriage. Hold your head high and don't look back. Focus on having a better marriage in the future.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've been evaluated by my doctor as well. The counselor is frustrated that I'm stuck and can't see any way to ever forgive myself. 

I have to make sure that I don't ruin Thanksgiving. I'll do my best. It's not fair to my wife and family if I were to ruin it.

I'm even having a hard time thinking about going Christmas shopping for gifts for my wife and family. I envision a gift under the tree with a tag that says "TO: name FROM: Cheater, Liar, Crappy Husband, Crappy Father".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm going to say this as nice as I can-


*force* yourself to be pleasant, cordial, friendly and do NOT drink more than one glass of wine if at all
reach down and find that within you to do that

whether or not your marriage ends in R or D I want you to consider that if you end up being a dour and moody sh!t that Thanksgiving will forever be a trigger to your wife

do it for her, she deserves a nice holiday


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I will force myself to do just that.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

HerToo said:


> I've been evaluated by my doctor as well. The counselor is frustrated that I'm stuck and can't see any way to ever forgive myself.


General practice physicians are rarely equipped to handle mental health issues. See a psychologist for complete testing. It took two days of testing to get an accurate picture of my mental state. The psychologist's analysis was very useful for both my physician and therapist.

Are religious teachings and beliefs playing a role in you inability to forgive yourself? Perhaps speaking to your minister or priest could help if that's the case.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'll look into seeing a psychologist. 

No formal religion. Just spiritual in general.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't know if you are religious or not, but every time you have a shameful thought, imagine yourself standing in front of Jesus, and He is bathing you in a soft, white light of forgiveness. If it is hard to relate to the idea of Jesus, think of a Higher Power image.

You have to change your thoughts, and you have to deliberately re-direct them until this becomes natural.

You are an imperfect human being, and you need to stop thinking of yourself in black and white terms.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've tried envisioning that. I run away in shame.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There's no shame with God. He already knows your faults.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know he knows.


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