# Baby steps in Letting go of Mr. Nice Guy



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My EX has been notoriously inconsistent with getting the kids to video chat with me which is in the decree. Actually, lately she's been pretty consistent and failing in this responsibility. I've never been criticizing during this time. I think to myself, how productive is this? She'll just write me off as controlling and whining if I keep responding with my concerns and frustrations with her irresponsibility. So.... I would usually send an email(documented) stating that I waited for the chat and no one came on. And I would like to chat the following day. 

The only exception was one email I sent 3 weeks ago. Here it is:

_I can be available at the scheduled time. Sunday at 7pm. Please schedule that into your phone, calendar, etc.

I feel having the kids chat with me is not important to you. If it was, you wouldn't schedule things DURING our scheduled chat time. 
But it's important to me and the kids. When the kids are with me, we try our best to always schedule plans around their chats with you. 
Having to reschedule at the last minute complicates things, especially if plans were already made ahead of time. This has happened many times already and it's very frustrating. 
Chatting with the kids on Sunday does not make up for Friday._

She responded, "Of course it's a priority to me!". 

That was several weeks ago and it only got worse.
Talk ended up being cheap.And I went back to just stating the fact she missed a chat and I wanted to chat the next day. Nothing more was said from my end. 

Last night, I get a text an hour before our chat wanting to reschedule the video chat for later at night.
So I responded...a little different this time:

*I already made plans tonight. I will chat tomorrow with the kids. We will definitely revisit the scheduled video chats. Your obligation towards the chats are disappointing and unacceptable.
*
I know many of you would have unloaded much more than I did. But from a nice guys perspective, I would like to think I made a little progress in getting out of this Nice Guy funk I've been in for over 20 years.
Afterwards, I felt pretty damn good. It was like my self-esteem which had been incinerated was sprouting once again. Sprouting nuts actually. Yeah, they may be the size of a Peanut..but I intend to get them back to walnut status. Wait. Screw that. How about Coconut status?!? LOL
Anyways, just wanted to share. And that this is just the beginning for my life that will evolve for the better. Because I never will go back to the person I was.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

No you should be spending real time with your children not video chats, they are only children once. 

What about getting the children their own laptop, so they can contact you, our little one is 5 and quite proficient in using anything electronic, my estranged did get her a tablet but he wasn't careful with it and broke the power connection for the usb charger.

Sometimes i feel video chat is an intrusion in my life as my estrange will take pictures all the time and i don't want him taking pictures of me, children fine not me though and it is difficult because this rig is at the back of my living room.

Personally i'd love a nice guy, don't ever lose that.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree, I didn't want my daughter on Skype with my ex because I didn't need him seeing into my house. It feels intrusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Could you talk to them on the phone instead? Maybe she didn't realize how intrusive it would feel when she signed. Or maybe she is being selfish. I would try asking for a phone call instead and see how that goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

She utilized it for months while the kids were with me. Now that they are with her for the summer, she's been horribly irresponsible with having the kids online to chat. She has admitted that she wants to revisit the chats which also means she's unable to be responsible enough to handle this. Phone calls are fine too, however. But I'm through with being taken advantage of. Or also known as the classic "Fitness Test". 
And I won't lose the nice guy part of me. That's the Beta male in me which comes effortlessly to me. It's the Alpha part that I lost years ago. It's time for some balance, eh?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad,

A simple, "I'm not ok with the current videochat effort" will do the trick.

Low key

Forceful

Not overtly accusatory.

She's clearly passive aggressive and will do almost anything to get a rise out of you.





Houstondad said:


> My EX has been notoriously inconsistent with getting the kids to video chat with me which is in the decree. Actually, lately she's been pretty consistent and failing in this responsibility. I've never been criticizing during this time. I think to myself, how productive is this? She'll just write me off as controlling and whining if I keep responding with my concerns and frustrations with her irresponsibility. So.... I would usually send an email(documented) stating that I waited for the chat and no one came on. And I would like to chat the following day.
> 
> The only exception was one email I sent 3 weeks ago. Here it is:
> 
> ...


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad-
Damn. I was too overtly accusatory wasn't I? That's what can be so tricky sometimes for me. Trying to find the right words. When my marriage was in a tailspin with her infidelity, my EX would react/over-react anytime I was remotely accusatory. So I shut that down big time. Instead, dealing with the issues within myself or else I feared of pushing her away.

I don't want to be the Beta Doormat anymore. I am trying to incorporate more Alpha into myself, but I catch myself at times wanting to be too aggressive and I think that's my emotions doing the talking. I know it needs to be more of a balance. Her and I will have a discussion soon about the video chats and I need to make sure I handle it right. Calm, cool, yet with firm boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't. Sound good so far?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Conrad-
> That's what can be so tricky sometimes for me. Trying to find the right words.
> I don't want to be the Beta Doormat anymore. I am trying to incorporate more Alpha into myself, but I catch myself at times wanting to be too aggressive and I think that's my emotions doing the talking. I know it needs to be more of a balance. Her and I will have a discussion soon and I need to make sure I handle it right.


H-Dad,

I'm not perfect with it either. And, the closer we brush to the "old ways" of emotional/verbal abuse, the more difficult it is to stay cool.

I could see where her lack of follow-through (on ANYTHING of importance) just makes you breathless with frustration.

Yet, males aren't taught that conflict and anger are separate things. We're usually just getting prepared to fight and conflict/defending yourself/getting pissed off is one and the same.

But, it's not.

Standing up for yourself with females is most effective when there is no anger AND... just keep this in mind.... no use of the word "YOU"

Saying the word "YOU" is emotional dynamite.

"I'm not ok with the current videochat effort"

vs.

"Your obligation towards the chats are disappointing and unacceptable."

KWIM?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> No you should be spending real time with your children not video chats, they are only children once.
> 
> What about getting the children their own laptop, so they can contact you, our little one is 5 and quite proficient in using anything electronic, my estranged did get her a tablet but he wasn't careful with it and broke the power connection for the usb charger.
> 
> ...


They live a long way away fom each other, so spending time with the kids would be very difficult. Like Houston and Minnesota (right?). 

Houston Dad, hang in there. The kids should be back home to you soon, right?

What did your lawyer and support people say about the missing video chat sessions?

C


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My lawyer is supposed to call me by Monday so it'll be interesting to see what he says. 

As for talking to my ex. It's frustrating to get her to understand anything these days. When our marriage was on the brink of divorce I made an effort of using only "I " statements instead of you statements. I continued this even after she left me and we ultimately divorced. It seems like the you and I statements fall on deaf ears. So I'm like I don't care if she reacts if I call her out in something that is the truth. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to not sound accusatory. Your suggestion Conrad is a good one. But i just dont have much confidence in that strategy anymore. I wish I knew what will work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I guess the question is how do you respond to an EX who is passive aggressive, selfish, and has zero respect for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I guess the question is how do you respond to an EX who is passive aggressive, selfish, and has zero respect for you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calmly and firmly.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Kids are back home.:smthumbup:
I plan to initiate a discussion with my EX about the video chats and where to go from here with them.

Also, this is just being vocal with my emotions but damn! I finished No More Mr. Nice Guy and I'm almost finished with The Married Man Sex Life Primer. Both excellent books! And they have allowed me to see many of my faults. And with this exposure of my unhealthy behaviors that I am feeling... I am going through another round of GUILT. 

I am now realizing I was responsible for more of the downfall of my marriage than I previously thought.

Why was I not stronger prior to & during the discovery of her affair? My sex-less marriage should have been a huge red flag.

Basically, her respect for me dwindled to nearly nothing during the last year while we were together. I feel GUILTY of allowing it to happen and I wish I could have been stronger for my family. I feel like I let my kids down.

Don't get me wrong, my EX should own up to the other 50%. 

I know this is a learning experience and I am working on myself to never make these same mistakes again. It just sucks thinking about it. I just hope this is a natural step in the healing process and a step forward and not backward. 

Is there anything that helps? Would it be a bad idea to let me EX know that I now recognize many of my faults in my marriage? Why the heck does that matter to me now?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

H-Dad,

The cup is half full.

You now have much more full self-awareness.

And, take heart....

Knowing what you know now, you would run as fast as you can from anyone with the abusive profile of your ex.

So, no need to apologize.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Keyword "Ex".
Forgive yourself, thats who's important right now.
Dont let any of your life or decisions depend on what the EX thinks.
Faults are things that can be worked on.
For me, accepting dong from another dude was crossing the line.

Time helps. You wouldnt think so if you read any of my most recent posts, but I have to see the ex all the time, with the kid involved, and just yesterday, seeing more of the dudes crap at the marital home had me revisiting the anger part of it all.
I sorely resent the way my ex went about all this, and the fallout afterwards, and continued poor decisions. I would love to get away completely, but the kid is more important.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Houstandad - stop finding fault with yourself in the past. The bottom line is that your Ex is selfish, deeply selfish and a liar.

She is the one who cheated, then moved away last year leaving her kids without a mom while she cheated again and continued to focus entirely on her her her.

She came back only because her new guy was busy, then she ran back there at the start of September last year as I recall.

Your marriage ended because your wife can't see any need beyond her own. She can't make anything or anyone a priority other than herself. For heavens sake she left your kids, moved many states away - all for her. 

If she actually made the kids any kind of a priority she would be living near them or would have sought custody.

And this isn't because the kids don't have her respect etc. It's entirely because she is selfish and self centered.

All the books in the world read by you wouldn't have changed that about her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Houstandad - stop finding fault with yourself in the past. The bottom line is that your Ex is selfish, deeply selfish and a liar.
> 
> She is the one who cheated, then moved away last year leaving her kids without a mom while she cheated again and continued to focus entirely on her her her.
> 
> ...


In fact, had you been foolish enough to get involved with her, had you stood up to her, she would have left you.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't mean to sound I'm dismissing EXs faults. She's been making terrible choices for the last 2 years. But I do want to forgive myself for some choices I made that will help me move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I don't mean to sound I'm dismissing EXs faults. She's been making terrible choices for the last 2 years. But I do want to forgive myself for some choices I made that will help me move forward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you didn't know any better, forgiveness comes easier.

And you didn't.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad- I think your recent reply is a compliment? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Conrad- I think your recent reply is a compliment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read most of your posts.

You're a sincere warm-hearted giving person who loves his children and wanted his family to work for the greater good.

If you'd have known better, you'd have made better moves.

Totally forgiveable. So, please do. There is no one else in your life who you would blame for not doing something they didn't know about.

So don't single yourself out.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I don't mean to sound I'm dismissing EXs faults. She's been making terrible choices for the last 2 years. But I do want to *forgive myself* for some choices I made that will help me move forward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Forgiving yourself doesn't have anything to do with her. She's gone. Moved on. Nothing you say is going to make her come back, whether you take all the blame, half the blame or blame her entirely. What's done is done. 

Put your focus on improving yourself, raising your kids and enjoying your new life with them--without worrying about what she thinks about any of it.


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