# Confused, What's Going On?



## Regretful (Jul 2, 2011)

I really could use some of your opinions and/or advice. We've been married for 8 years. We have three kids, two of which are from her previous marriage. She was married once before, this is my only marriage. 
I will be the first to admit that I have trust issues. I have been stung before, it hurt like hell, and I don't want it to happen again. And so I have monitored my wife for most of our 8 years together. I have checked behind her back through cell records, looked through purses, and I have checked our Internet history. I have questioned her about numbers, grilled her about browsing through some Facebook pictures of a guy she went to school with. And I will admit, that even though at the time there appeared to be red flags, none of the "clues" led anywhere, or appeared to. 
Within the past year I've noticed some subtle changes in my wife. She has always been hard working, takes great care of the kids, enjoyed going to church. She has been getting more friendly with a few of the 20 something year old group of girls from work. Some are not married, so they still party, date around, don't have the responsibility of family. While she does not hang around with them after hours, she goes on and on about them here at the house. So, a part of me wonders does she "envy" their lifestyle? 
We have had arguments regarding trust and other issues. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it has escalated to the point where I accuse her, without any evidence at all. As you can imagine, this has gone over like a lead balloon. She has threatened to leave me on several times before when our arguments have got really heated. We have always cooled down and got things working again. However, in the past few months, we have had arguments that have escalated to the same point. Only this time, she will calmly take her ring off and announce it's over, with very little emotion. She says that "it's the same thing over and over" And sees "no change." We just had one of these arguments about two days ago. We're wearing the rings, talking, and carrying on "like normal," but I feel like jello on the inside. I have no idea what my wife is thinking. ZERO idea. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know how serious she was about leaving. I feel blacked out, so to speak. And so I'm back to speculating again. Is s he being distracted by something or someone from work, perhaps?
A friend of mine, who has always teased me about being paranoid regarding the wife, thinks if there was a time to really spy or monitor, this would be it. His rational is the lack of emotion when she said it was over, and her getting friendly with younger women who don't really share her lifestyle. 
I just want validation from her. I want us to have a heart to heart, and for her to tell me how she feels. 
Please advise...


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

If I understand correctly, you grill her about things and accuse her of affairs with no proof, and now you're wondering why she seems emotionally detached from you?

I don't understand why this is in the CWI section of this forum. Unless those "red flags" were big, waving ones (like she's been secretive with phone and computer - taking phone to bathroom, minimizing chat screens when you walk into the room - I am inclined to doubt your judgement on how "red" these flags were.)

ETA: I see in another post of yours that she is being suspicious with the phone. That is a valid red flag. Did you ever figure out what that number was?


----------



## Regretful (Jul 2, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> If I understand correctly, you grill her about things and accuse her of affairs with no proof, and now you're wondering why she seems emotionally detached from you?
> 
> I don't understand why this is in the CWI section of this forum. Unless those "red flags" were big, waving ones (like she's been secretive with phone and computer - taking phone to bathroom, minimizing chat screens when you walk into the room - I am inclined to doubt your judgement on how "red" these flags were.)
> 
> ETA: I see in another post of yours that she is being suspicious with the phone. That is a valid red flag. Did you ever figure out what that number was?


I did ask about that number. And I felt like a total jerk when I found out the answer. It was a cell phone her mom had been borrowing. Her mom was house sitting for a couple that had gone to Florida for a month. They had left a cell phone there, and gave her permission to use it. The story totally checked out, I called the number myself, and guess who answers? My mother in law.


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

Regretful said:


> I did ask about that number. And I felt like a total jerk when I found out the answer. It was a cell phone her mom had been borrowing. Her mom was house sitting for a couple that had gone to Florida for a month. They had left a cell phone there, and gave her permission to use it. The story totally checked out, I called the number myself, and guess who answers? My mother in law.


It is possible, then, that she keeps her phone with her because she doesn't want you to pry into things like her mother's phone calls and interrogate her over things.

Ordinarily, I would say that someone being secretive with their phone was up to no good. But, I do think it's possible for someone to get this way just out of defensiveness. It may even be a bit of a "F-U" to you - she's not doing anything, but she knows you get mad if you can't pry, so she won't let you. Seriously, those things are perfectly possible.

So, I'd go back to the assumption that she is NOT cheating.

It's really not cool to monitor her and interrogate her and accuse her. This may come as a shock to you, but that sort of behaviour is on lists with titles like "Is your spouse controlling?" or "Am I being emotionally abused?"

I would say that you need IC to deal with your inability to trust. As for how to turn things around with her: well, if you can set aside the paranoia, and let her know that you are doing so, then you can maybe do something about it. It sounds to me like she is checking out, emotionally. If she's innocent of any cheating, I can't say that I blame her.


----------



## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

In my opinion the best thing both of you could do is to get into MC to learn to communicate. It may not hurt for you to get into IC for a few sessions to help you learn to cope and control yourself. If you keep this up, the odds are you will drive her away. MC may help both of you to understand each other, that is if you are able to obtain a good counselor.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Your wife probably learned through the years that you don't trust her even though she hasn't done anything to warrant your distrust. She might have grown tired of it and checked out.

As for the 20-something lifestyle - I do envy them sometimes. They are still young, have their whole life ahead of them and they are much more energetic. They still have choices to be anything they want to be. On the other hand, they still have much more headache ahead of them than the older growd. Just as they have opportunity to make good choices, they have opportunity and will make bad choices. That's where "If I only knew then what I know now" comes into play.


----------



## Regretful (Jul 2, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Your wife probably learned through the years that you don't trust her even though she hasn't done anything to warrant your distrust. She might have grown tired of it and checked out.
> 
> As for the 20-something lifestyle - I do envy them sometimes. They are still young, have their whole life ahead of them and they are much more energetic. They still have choices to be anything they want to be. On the other hand, they still have much more headache ahead of them than the older growd. Just as they have opportunity to make good choices, they have opportunity and will make bad choices. That's where "If I only knew then what I know now" comes into play.[/QUOTE
> 
> Is it possible to "win" her over again? Provided I leave the paranoia and mistrust at the door, and attempt to be a better man, without all the BS? Or if somebody has "checked" out, is it over with at that point?


----------



## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

It's possible to "win" her over again, yes. I don't know if it's possible to win HER in THIS marriage, but such things are possible.

It's also possible that it's too late.

But, you really need to get a grasp on your jealousy and control issues. That has to be your number one priority.

I don't know exactly how that will come about. I do think that at some point, you're going to have to apologize to your wife for your behaviour up to this point and show her that you're taking steps to change.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

First of all, you NEED IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your trust issues that pre-dated your marriage. I'm sorry to say that you made a bad choice in getting married without having dealt with your past relationship ordeals which you then carried over to the marriage.

Now as far as how to 'win' your wife back, that is going to be tough because it would require a leap of faith on the part of your wife to trust you again. That can only happen IF you have enough courage to let her go and convey this to her in a sincere fashion. If she perceives that you love her enough to let her go and find peace and happiness somewhere else, she MAY think about possibly giving you another chance.

I leave you with the following in the hopes that it will help you in your situation.



marduk said:


> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
> 
> ...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Regretful said:


> I will be the first to admit that I have trust issues. I have been stung before, it hurt like hell, and I don't want it to happen again. And so I have monitored my wife for most of our 8 years together. I have checked behind her back through cell records, looked through purses, and I have checked our Internet history. I have questioned her about numbers, grilled her about browsing through some Facebook pictures of a guy she went to school with.
> 
> We have had arguments regarding trust and other issues. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it has escalated to the point where* I accuse her, without any evidence at all*


This is so not ok. I can understand you being burned in the past but outright accusing your wife of things she hasn't done is not good. At all. It's toxic and unhealthy & no doubt is going to have an adverse effect on your marriage.

How would you feel if she acted this way with you?



SomeLady said:


> If I understand correctly, you grill her about things and accuse her of affairs with no proof, and now you're wondering why she seems emotionally detached from you?


This would become very exhausting. And it's no wonder she is telling you she is fed up.



FourtyPlus said:


> Your wife probably learned through the years that you don't trust her even though she hasn't done anything to warrant your distrust. She might have grown tired of it and checked out.


:iagree:

And I just want to add, that eventually she has prob come to the conclusion that no matter what she does, you will view it as wrong so she may even not share the most basic things with you for fear/anxiety taht you are going to be upset. And I mean things like when she has spoken to a girlfriend or if she went to the store for fear you are going to reprimand her and accuse her of doing something she isn't.

I was with a man like you once and it did not end well. A marriage w/o trust isn't much of a marriage.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to her about how you feel and how you have trust issues and realize it's badly effecting the marriage. Get into individual therapy to deal with these issues. Also, marriage counseling won't hurt either. Ask her what she needs from you and vice versa. You said you want to be validated so let her know what that entails. She should do the same for you.


----------

