# Reality vs fantasy



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

If the world didn't suck then we'd all just fall off.

Just a little humor :lol: Everything doesn't suck.


Now, posting on here has done wonders for me accepting reality. I often post as a form of free thought and use you guys as my sounding board. I have leaned one way...then the other. Breaking up is hard to do, don't ya know!

It's pretty much just a best case scenario fantasy for this situation with my exGF roommate to turn out the way I would like. Unfortunately, reality keeps slapping me in the face. 

I have resolved to ask her to move out after Christmas. I hate it for those kids and I'm going to miss her, but this is unhealthy for me. I can't sit here and hope for the best. I've got to take this thing by the reigns. I don't like feeling weak and like a victim. So I'll take control of the situation and while compassionate, do what needs to be done.

FWIW, she needs a dose of the reality of the situation, too. For 2-3 nights per week, I stay at my mom's in the town where I work to save gas on the commute and give us some space. Plus, she needs to have alone time with just her and her kids. She just emailed me and suggested that I stay with my mom another night, if I didn't mind. She said, "please don't take this the wrong way....". She said her kids were uncooperative last night and out of frustration she had a lazy night. In other words, the house is a giant mess and she wants me to come home to a clean house (she is OCD and keeps the house SPOTLESS). She normally can't sit down in the evenings until everything is in order and in it's place. 

She repeatedly said "don't misunderstand". But it was the last line that hit me. "I do enjoy having the house to myself sometimes....but it's your house too. " 

Um, yeah. The house that I pay for and cover 95% of the expenses for is MY house TOO. Thanks for stating the obvious, honey. The reality that she is clearly missing is that this won't be her house for much longer. Could she really believe I would continue to accept this situation and have no clue how irrelevant she has made herself??? I mean, we're not a couple, not sleeping together, and I pay for most of the expenses, my name is the only one on the lease. What's the payoff for me? That she cleans the house?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your taking things too literally. Someone who is always at home automatically thinks the house is theirs and theirs alone. I cant make out from your post if you are or are not sleeping together. If you are and this is all it is I say think again.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

GreenandBlue said:


> I have resolved to ask her to move out after Christmas.
> 
> She just emailed me and suggested that I stay with my mom another night, if I didn't mind. She said, "please don't take this the wrong way....".
> 
> ...


WOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH NELLY!  

She wants you gone MORE? Um yeah, she's seeing another guy already AT YOUR HOUSE! And she's asking that you "don't misunderstand". Interesting! The plot thickens... It's your house, you pay 95%, and you're the one living out of a suitcase. :scratchhead:

Good for you for coming to terms with the reality of you living arrangements and that it's just not healthy for you. Stay strong and stick to your guns! 

Question: Where are YOUR kids when you stay at your Mom's house?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She just emailed me and suggested that I stay with my mom another night, if I didn't mind. She said, "please don't take this the wrong way....".
> 
> She repeatedly said "don't misunderstand". But it was the last line that hit me. "I do enjoy having the house to myself sometimes....but it's your house too. "
> 
> The house that I pay for and cover 95% of the expenses for is MY house TOO. Thanks for stating the obvious, honey. The reality that she is clearly missing is that this won't be her house for much longer. Could she really believe I would continue to accept this situation and have no clue how irrelevant she has made herself??? I mean, we're not a couple, not sleeping together, and I pay for most of the expenses, my name is the only one on the lease. What's the payoff for me? That she cleans the house?


I'm sorry but I don't believe for one minute she wants you to stay at your moms another night because the house is a mess. The true reason was uttered to you directly... "I do enjoy having the house to myself" (she added _sometimes _to not sound like a complete selfish ass, and that last nugget of _it's your house too_ is just for emphasis on the obvious.)

OMG. Christmas wouldn't come too soon for me. You're being extremely generous under the circumstances. You should email her the date in which you would like her to move. Legally now you just can't kick her out without at least a 30 day notice, she's gotten her squatter's rights worth at this point. Cover your interests by putting the move out day in writing. It should be all business from this point on.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Cover your interests by putting the move out day in writing. It should be all business from this point on.


:iagree: :iagree: In writing! And just leave it for her on the fridge door, noted "Your Copy" (one copy for her, and one copy for you) on a morning that you'll be at Mom's house that night.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

No. She's not seeing another guy at my house. Maybe that would add more drama and spice to the story....but I know she wouldn't be seeing another man around her kids. Now, she might be on the phone talking to another guy, freely, without me there to interfere. But she would never invite someone else over. Call me naive, but she isn't built that way. 

There is no animosity or bitterness between us. We aren't fighting. If I asked her to leave today she would be out by the weekend with no hard feelings. 

I don't want this to escalate into something hateful. We talk and communicate really well. 

I work 90 miles away, she works 10 mile away. That's why I'm staying near work.

And yes, I did want to respond, "take it the wrong way??? you mean that you like it better when I'm not around? What other way is there to take it?"

But I didnt'. Indifference is best.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You should read my post!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

accept said:


> You should read my post!


This one?



accept said:


> Your taking things too literally. Someone who is always at home automatically thinks the house is theirs and theirs alone. I cant make out from your post if you are or are not sleeping together. If you are and this is all it is I say think again.


I don`t get it either.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

accept said:


> You should read my post!


I did. We do think of it as "our" house. But she has specifically told me that she would not bring anyone else to the house. 

Although, I am tempted to send a second response:

From an objective point of view, many would assume from your email that you are:

A) Much happier when i am not at home

B) Trying to tactfully keep me away because you're talking to or seeing somoneone else.

C) A & B


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You're not married, she's freeloading, she likes not being around you. You'd have to have real mental problems to stay in that situation.

I like the note idea. Give her 30 days to find another place to stay. Let her know that you want to stay cordial and don't want to make it difficult for her. Maybe even offer to help her move.

The relationship appears to be over so there's no reason to be bitter or angry. Be glad you aren't married and they aren't your kids (I'm reading it that they aren't your kids, if they are, ignore everything I just said). Also remember that kids don't care that your not married and they probably have a bond with you and look up to you. You can make a big difference in their lives by being around every once in a while even if you're not involved with mom. Just disappearing for good will probably not help their psyche. Not that it's your problem, but it never hurts to love a child.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds to me like you're really getting with the program, and see this situation for what it is - hurtful to YOU. Okay, she keeps the house meticulously clean. So can a weekly maid service. Meanwhile, you're carrying the financial burden and commuting a long distance.

If the relationship had worked out, then it would be no problem. Unfortunately, at this point, I would have to agree with what other's have said - she's taking advantage of your generosity.

She is a tenant. You have to give her 30-day's notice to vacate. You can give her an eviction notice on January 1, or you can give it to her today.

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you, but you're seeing this situation for what it is right now. I'll be very interested to know her reaction when you inform her it's time for her to leave. Yes, I know you said she would gladly pack up and get out ASAP. But part of me is wondering if she won't try to pull something ... JMO.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I work 90 miles away, she works 10 mile away. That's why I'm staying near work.


And if you and she were a couple, you would come home every night.

Don't try and make this out to be some sort of favor you're doing for yourself, because it's not. If the relationship was as you'd like it to be, expected it to be, it wouldn't matter how far away from home you worked, you would bring your tail home every night to her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I'll be very interested to know her reaction when you inform her it's time for her to leave. Yes, I know you said she would gladly pack up and get out ASAP. But part of me is wondering if she won't try to pull something ... JMO.


My guess is she'll say OK. Then a week or two later after she realizes she has no money and job and needs a cosigner, she'll turn into Captain Poon-Tang and suddenly remember how much she cares about him.

My defense would be, assuming you WANT to make it work, is to say something like, "I really like you too and really want this to work, I just think moving in was too fast for us. Why don't you get your own place and we'll continue dating, it will be better for the relationship." If she really wants to get back she'll be ok with that. If she's using you for your wallet, that option will have as much appeal to her as a porn movie edited for the Disney Channel.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

It is your house, stay in it.
Disregard everything she said.


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