# Need some insight



## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

My GF of six months is unlike any other woman I have had sex with. Here are the facts..no bj's, has never kissed me below the neck, won't give me any direction, faster, slower right there, lets do this...nothing. lays there with limited moaning. hasn't initiated sex and cant orgasm. I have tried everything I know how to clitoral, g spot going down on her..everything.I have tried talking to her bout it and she says she likes and enjoys it but that it is just her. I have asked her to tell me what she likes but seems uncomfortable telling me...doesnt tell me. Any ideas what the problem might be? I spoke to a good friend about it who works with women and she said that I felt like she might have been abused in her past but I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject and don't want to jump to that conclusion. When we do talk about it she won't really open up. What to do?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Does she have any kind of stringent religious background? It could be she is just shy. If shes never had an orgasm she may not see what the big deal is. Do you know if she masturbates? Has she ever had an orgasm?

Have you tired a vibrator on her? There are battery operated vibrators and plug in vibrators. The plug in vibrators are much stronger than the battery operated. The Hitachi Magic Wand seems to be the top of the heap and a pretty sure thing. 

Not knowing for sure what her issue is - you can start to change her with lots of positive verbal affirmations about her body and how much you want her to talk when you are having sex, etc.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, sounds pretty shut down to me. Common causes, like miss scarlet mentioned, upbringing in which sex and body parts where surrounded by shame. She isn't comfortable talking and maybe doesn't know that showing her responses such as wiggling and moaning, are not only welcomes but NECCESSARY so you know what is working for her and what isn't. You may need to teach and encourage her to respond, to bring her out of her shell. You should not jump down her throat, but don't let the subject get waylaid by her reluctance to open up. 

"I get that you're not comfortable talking about this but it's really important for me to be able to understand you better. We need to be able to talk about this openly. If you're open enough to have sex you need to be open enough to talk about sex!"


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Does she have any kind of stringent religious background? It could be she is just shy. If shes never had an orgasm she may not see what the big deal is. Do you know if she masturbates? Has she ever had an orgasm?
> 
> Have you tired a vibrator on her? There are battery operated vibrators and plug in vibrators. The plug in vibrators are much stronger than the battery operated. The Hitachi Magic Wand seems to be the top of the heap and a pretty sure thing.
> 
> Not knowing for sure what her issue is - you can start to change her with lots of positive verbal affirmations about her body and how much you want her to talk when you are having sex, etc.


Thanks MS. I have tried everything but the vibrator, I even suggested it but she wasn't to keen on the idea. She says she doesn't masturbate, not from a religious background, honestly she seems not to want to talk about it. we do have sex frequently and I get off but she just doesn't give any signs of enjoying it. I give her tons of affirmations. She wears clothes to bed every night, I have told her, very sweetly that she doesn't have to do that. She agrees that it is silly then wears them again. It dent bother me I just find it odd. she does seem to have some body issues. Which she should not at all she is in great shape with a beautiful body. She is a little highly wound tho I have noticed. Have shown up and said..wow..you are beautiful..she said eww I'm so gross right now, and has trouble expressing her feelings. She is great girl we have a fantastic time but she just seems bottled up. Could it be trust? One of her ex BF's she caught in bed with another woman. Said it took her 5 years to get over.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, sounds pretty shut down to me. Common causes, like miss scarlet mentioned, upbringing in which sex and body parts where surrounded by shame. She isn't comfortable talking and maybe doesn't know that showing her responses such as wiggling and moaning, are not only welcomes but NECCESSARY so you know what is working for her and what isn't. You may need to teach and encourage her to respond, to bring her out of her shell. You should not jump down her throat, but don't let the subject get waylaid by her reluctance to open up.
> 
> "I get that you're not comfortable talking about this but it's really important for me to be able to understand you better. We need to be able to talk about this openly. If you're open enough to have sex you need to be open enough to talk about sex!"


I have tried that several time AP but she shuts down. Sometimes she looks like a deer in the headlights. She says..Im fine I just want you to feel good.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Does she have any kind of stringent religious background? It could be she is just shy. If shes never had an orgasm she may not see what the big deal is. Do you know if she masturbates? Has she ever had an orgasm?
> 
> Have you tired a vibrator on her? There are battery operated vibrators and plug in vibrators. The plug in vibrators are much stronger than the battery operated. The Hitachi Magic Wand seems to be the top of the heap and a pretty sure thing.
> 
> Not knowing for sure what her issue is - you can start to change her with lots of positive verbal affirmations about her body and how much you want her to talk when you are having sex, etc.


The shyness...no she is not shy anywhere but bed.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

One more thing..compliments. they seem to make her uncomfortable. She always says...you look amazing...her answer..squirming a bit.. you do too.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It does sound like body image/ low self esteem. Especially if she was giving the ex boyfriend everything he wanted (like she is doing with you) and he cheated on her and she caught him in the act.

If shes never had an orgasm she has no way to direct you on how to give her one.

I would keep trying on the vibrator. I would purchase an electric one that does not look like a penis. This can give her a strong stimulation and if she can have an orgasm for you she may become more interested in it being a 50/50 thing.

It may be that she is a giver in general and has a very difficult time with anyone giving to her. She mayfeel unworthy and not worth the trouble.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Sounds familiar....

I had a GF that was abused as a teenager and she wore clothes to bed and behaved similarly in bed and after I "liberated her" to orgasm that was it, slowly and gently I coaxed her into exploring herself and her own sexual desires, took a long time but she went from limp lettuce to BJs, lingerieand would even entertain anal play, she discovered so much about herself that was hidden away behind the screwed up thinking of "don't look sexy, don't feel sexy, it will attract attention from him" and that part of her was blocked, there was a lot of talking, a lot of effort on my part to introduce her to new experiences and always on the known notion that she might not like it, but the fact she was willing to try meant she was willing to address that side of our relationship.

If your W is willing to address that side then it is a start but if she is resistant at all you need to talk about things until you understand what she feels, even if you have to go over old ground a few times to enable her to loosen up enough to actually let you in to what she thinks/feels/believes, time, can take a lifetime to get them over problems from the past!!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Men/women that cannot discuss sex in an open, mature way are unlikely to make good long term partners. Just my experience.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

From my limited sample size of one, all I can tell you is that with this kind of spouse you're in for a sexual relationship where the progress is measured incrementally and the time spans measured in decades.

Just to warn you that you might be in this for the long haul if you decide to keep trying to open her up. There are a few women like that here who had an "aha" moment, but they're few and far between.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Too Little Too Late? said:


> My GF of six months is unlike any other woman I have had sex with. Here are the facts..no bj's, has never kissed me below the neck, won't give me any direction, faster, slower right there, lets do this...nothing. lays there with limited moaning. hasn't initiated sex and cant orgasm. I have tried everything I know how to clitoral, g spot going down on her..everything.I have tried talking to her bout it and she says she likes and enjoys it but that it is just her. I have asked her to tell me what she likes but seems uncomfortable telling me...doesnt tell me. Any ideas what the problem might be? I spoke to a good friend about it who works with women and she said that I felt like she might have been abused in her past but I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject and don't want to jump to that conclusion. When we do talk about it she won't really open up. What to do?


If she doesn't already she needs to start learning how to please herself.Encourage her to masturbate if you can find a delicate way to do that.
Another thing is while she may not be able to speak her desires she may be able to write them or respond to being eased into a naughty text or two.SO had a hard time verbalizing sex type stuff to me for a long time.The only thing that pulled him out of his shell was sending very sexual emails with vivid detail about what I needed from him.He gradually began to respond with his own messages to me.Then the talking began later.

If she was abused then PTSD might play a part in her seeming unwillingness to experience the happy parts of physical love.There isn't much you can do for her here if she seems resistant to talking to someone about it.If you aren't comfortable bringing it up directly,take the long way.
Say something like I read this article on aol about the percentage of women who are sex crime victims,it was really awful and shocked me.Any thoughts on that?
It sounds ridiculous but that little conversation starter might get her talking.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not everyone will make a good long term partner. That's what dating is for. I wouldn't invest anymore time or energy. I'd be running at this point. If you dig in your heals you'll be in for a frustrating future.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not everyone will make a good long term partner. That's what dating is for. I wouldn't invest anymore time or energy. I'd be running at this point. If you dig in your heals you'll be in for a frustrating future.


Totally agree :iagree::iagree:

During the dating stage, she should be all over you and all the time. If she's like this already, move on or put up with a LD wife to be.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

If she does not try at making you happy now in the beginning and your feeling unsatisfied and your dating. Hope on the Bus Guss you don't need to discuss much.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Please read all the threads on here from people in sexless marriages. Most of them started out in relationships like this and thought she would change over time. 
Please don't fall into that trap. 
You need to date so you can see if someone is a good partner. She isn't s good partner. She either is going to need a TON of therapy or she just isn't ever going to be a sexual person. 

And the thing is if you read the sexless threads, the spouse started out just laying there and then after the wedding they stopped even allowing sex at all, or only once a month or every two months. 
That's not a healthy marriage. 

Do not marry a project. Marry a finished product. 

I think if she can't even talk about sex she doesn't need to be having sex. Good luck to you.


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## Aiea (Jun 20, 2011)

Be careful, sounds like she has low self esteem especially in regards to her body. She may have had some trauma in her childhood, perhaps even rape. She may not remember the trauma but it still affects her. The bottom line is there may be other issues that have not been resolved from her past. This means long term you will have difficulty in the future. Knowing her family and past may give you some clues. In my case it took 15 years before my wife would respond to anything sexually and then only barely. The joke was I would get more response from a mannequin than her. I still believe she was abused as a child but no one will talk. She also has all the symptoms of a personality disorder which often stems from unresolved child events. Now I find out she has been having affairs throughout the marriage. If you are thinking of a long term relationship, see a therapist for guidance. Both of you could benefit from counseling on these issues. A woman with a bad self esteem will never listen or believe your compliments. Only after she knows and accepts who she is will she respond. Get help...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others... You're only 6 months in. Dating is a time for determining compatible. You're not compatible. Get out now, and find someone you're a match with.

C (who lived the sexually unsatisfying marriage for almost 2 decades)


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

tell her it is not her problem, it is just you, and end the relationship...Life is to short to be tied to someone not willing to accommodate your sexual needs...Especially one using modesty or prudishness as her reason....

When you find the right partner you will be glad you did

the woodchuck


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

My first thought was "RUN!"

That said, if you can detach yourself from her emotionally to the extent that you are content with it not working, there is no reason you cant see if you can fix it.

Any woman- ANY woman- is capable of being a total sexual deviant with a man she wants and trusts. The key is "trusts" and the key is "wants".

It was a salient observation by another poster that her youth might have seen sexuality shrouded in shame- that is what you must challenge and fix if it is the case. This is the trust aspect- she has to know that you wont judge her poorly for behavior that is sexual, and she can only know this when you yourself WITHOUT SHAME flaunt your sexual capacity and sexual desires. There is no reason to be ashamed of having the desire to suck on her breasts or grab her thighs, just as there is no reason to be ashamed of your capacity to make her world spin with some time invested learning her in the sack. When she sees your commitment here, the trust aspect is developed. You must however make damn sure you communicate that your desires will be met elsewhere- not through cheating, but moving on. The demonstration of your confidence that you dont need her for your life to have value nor do you have any doubts that you will be able to find another RAISES your rank in her mind, and makes her more open to find out why.

It is also true that she must be into you as a man, and I dont mean strictly in a sexual fashion. What is Too Little To Late?'s manhood stand for? What do you wish to accomplish in the world? What are your principles and do you follow them like a religion? On the sexual front, are you overweight? Do you understand at your core that a woman needs to be ravished as a woman by a man she likes who has no shame in being a man?

Man up. Focus on increasing the value of your life INDEPENDENT OF HER and see what happens. A woman is attracted to a man not for what she brings to his life, but for what his life is without her in the picture.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> My first thought was "RUN!"
> 
> That said, if you can detach yourself from her emotionally to the extent that you are content with it not working, there is no reason you cant see if you can fix it.
> 
> ...


I was thinking this. It can be done. But certainly don't marry her if she doesn't loosen up. My wife was a "good girl" when we started dating. I totally corrupted her. She began to enjoy every new experience.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She caught a ex boyfriend in bed with another woman....and it took her 5 years to get over it.....she may not be over it and it's still affecting her. I would move on.


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