# I married a little kid... need advice.



## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

Hey guys, my name's Jeff, 26 years old and recently married on 09/21/2012. I'm married to my lovely wife Katie who is 20 years old and we are expecting a baby boy in March 2013.

So here's my problem. I feel as if my wife is immature in our relationship. She doesn't work, stays home all day watching movies on Netflix and browsing the web. She also doesn't get involved with important things. She doesn't get involved with any of our finances, I just give her the credit/debit card and she shops away. She doesn't check the mail nor does she ready any of it so when I come home from work and check the mail.. it's all still there. She has been procrastinating her name-change with the social security office and when I confronted her this morning, she replied with "It's too much of a hassle to change my name because I'd have to give up my Hawaii driver license for a California one and I don't want to do that." She also said "I also don't want to switch bank accounts because they require me to do the name change in person in Hawaii and plus I've had that bank for a really long time etc.."

I gave up SO MUCH to be with her and she can't even give up her HI driver license and her bank. Even today, she didn't pack me lunch for work and the dishes have been sitting in the sink for 3 days, so I took it upon myself to wash them. We just moved into our new place so there isn't much furniture or much to clean, it's not like I'm making her a slave or anything... I'd just really appreciate it if she'd help out a little.

I feel as if she's still a little kid. I mean, she's the only child, and only grand child.. so she's used to being spoiled. I, on the other hand grew up in a poor family. Joined the U.S. Army when I was 17, and now, 9-years later, am pretty successful on my own. One time, we were fighting and she even pointed that out, how she's not used to being away from family and etc...

What do I do? I mean, I understand that she's not used to all this, but she doesn't even make an effort to try to change! Things like, buying Mochi ice cream or getting a puppy are more important to her than getting things done around the house, or changing her name appropriately. I feel as if she's lazy and her mindset is that of a teenager.. it's really frustrating.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's 20. She is a woman-child. Her brain won't be fully developed until about 25.

She is still a teenager in a sense. The brain doesn't go from immature at 19 to mature at 20. She's still a child in most things she thinks and does. 

You married her at 20...just be patient. She'll grow up, hopefully. Lay some boundaries and don't let her push them. Unfortunately, this is pretty normal for 20 year olds.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people will be as sorry as they are allowed to be. Give her clear and reasonable expectations. Marriage isn't supposed to be one person's burden and another's vacation. Sit down with her and work out a division of duties. If Netflix interferes with her sawing her end of the log, discontinue the service. If browsing the internet prevents her from performing her fair share of the duties, discontinue or restrict the internet at home. People who act like children get treated like children. You are three months away from having a helpless baby in the house. She needs to grow up quickly. Right now, her laziness is only inconvenient and annoying. In 90 days, it will be life-threatening.


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She's 20. She is a woman-child. Her brain won't be fully developed until about 25.
> 
> She is still a teenager in a sense. The brain doesn't go from immature at 19 to mature at 20. She's still a child in most things she thinks and does.
> 
> You married her at 20...just be patient. She'll grow up, hopefully. Lay some boundaries and don't let her push them. Unfortunately, this is pretty normal for 20 year olds.


While I agree with this in a normal situation, we are having a baby in less than 3 months. I won't be home to take care of the baby while I'm at work. I believe she really needs to grow up quick because of that reason.



unbelievable said:


> Some people will be as sorry as they are allowed to be. Give her clear and reasonable expectations. Marriage isn't supposed to be one person's burden and another's vacation. Sit down with her and work out a division of duties. If Netflix interferes with her sawing her end of the log, discontinue the service. If browsing the internet prevents her from performing her fair share of the duties, discontinue or restrict the internet at home. People who act like children get treated like children. You are three months away from having a helpless baby in the house. She needs to grow up quickly. Right now, her laziness is only inconvenient and annoying. In 90 days, it will be life-threatening.


I've tried several times and I always point it out. She doesn't seem to budge. Maybe when the baby comes out she will change? I'm just really afraid of the outcome if she doesn't shape up within the next few months or so. I'm thinking of putting together a spreadsheet of tasks and things to do around the house and point out our shared chores. But how do I approach her? Every time I talk to her abou this, she just sits there all quiet. It's like when you're disciplining your kids.. same thing!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I would recommend more conversations with her. If as you say you gave up so much to be with her did she understand as part of the "deal" that in turn for giving up so much you expect her to _________. Without that previous conversation, you're expecting her to do something that she has no idea about. She can not read your mind. 

In your conversations with her it is important to discuss ground rules, expectations and a schedule. As in you do dishes Tuesday, I cook Tuesday night, you cook Thursday etc. Marriage is a partnership.

When the baby comes it sounds like she will be overwhelmed with how much care it will need. There is more laundry, sleepless nights etc. She will also most likely spend a great deal of money on the baby for extra things ( you may not agree that you need them ) ground rules and a budget will be important here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I hate to be blunt, but you chose to marry her. She's having your baby now. Congrats! But...this is your doing as well as hers. I really can't see FORCING someone to mature...it's just something that happens over time usually.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

jh2586 said:


> While I agree with this in a normal situation, we are having a baby in less than 3 months. I won't be home to take care of the baby while I'm at work. I believe she really needs to grow up quick because of that reason.
> 
> 
> 
> I've tried several times and I always point it out. She doesn't seem to budge. Maybe when the baby comes out she will change? I'm just really afraid of the outcome if she doesn't shape up within the next few months or so. I'm thinking of putting together a spreadsheet of tasks and things to do around the house and point out our shared chores. But how do I approach her? Every time I talk to her abou this, she just sits there all quiet. It's like when you're disciplining your kids.. same thing!



I like your idea of a spreadsheet ( schedule ) because people rarely meet expectations if they don't know what they are. 

If she is getting quiet during your conversations then try talking with her differently. The idea her is to get her input on the schedule and get her talking about it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Very few 20 year olds have the mindset of mature adults. If that's what you wanted, maybe you should have married a woman your own age. She didn't just become immature, I'm sure whilst you two were dating she always had been. Why is it an issue for you NOW?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't believe much conversation is necessary. If she doesn't want to help make the "chore" list, make it by yourself and give her her marching orders. She can choose to perform or she can choose to lose Netflix and internet. What's missing from your current game plan is the certainty of consequences. She can be a lazy sack of hooey and she knows full well nothing will happen. If she's a shopaholic, quit giving her the credit card. She doesn't wash dishes? Go get yourself something to eat and leave them. Sooner or later, she'll either wash dishes, eat off the floor, or starve. Nobody begs you to take care of business. You either perform or you get fired. You either pay bills or things get repossessed. She lives in a magical world where there are no consequences for laziness.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *Unbelievable said:* She lives in a magical world where there are no consequences for laziness


LOL.

It's not uncommon for a 20 year old to be lazy, or feel entitled. I have one living with me right now. He still thinks he's in high school... we give him chores, he does pay his cell phone bill, but technically, he's only an 'adult' in age. I think the OP needs to get realistic about his expectations with his wife. He went into the service and it matured him pretty quick. Boot camp got him into shape. 

His relationship isn't the military. She's an average 20 year old that thinks people are supposed to take care of her for life. If she was never taught life skills at home while growing up, he certainly shouldn't think the light switch turned on at marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, this is why I tell my daughters to not even THINK about marriage until 25. OP, you are 26...you have matured. People are usually NOT the same at 26 as they were at 20...because we mature. And you'll be someone different at 35 than you are right now. 

She'll catch up, but in her own time. Sure you can fight about it, but why bother? It won't speed up the process. She WON'T see things the way you do. She has no life experience, at least not that much. Just flow. Know for now, you will have 2 children. Guide your wife but have patience.


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, I hate to be blunt, but you chose to marry her. She's having your baby now. Congrats! But...this is your doing as well as hers. I really can't see FORCING someone to mature...it's just something that happens over time usually.


Forcing and encouraging are very different. I do the latter. I don't stick a broom in her hand and "tell her to sweep or get out".. that would be forcing.



A Bit Much said:


> Very few 20 year olds have the mindset of mature adults. If that's what you wanted, maybe you should have married a woman your own age. She didn't just become immature, I'm sure whilst you two were dating she always had been. Why is it an issue for you NOW?


It is an issue NOW because we never lived together, nor did we actually date for that long (about 5 months). I know it isn't the ideal way to get into a relationship but sometimes it just happens that way.

Does this mean I must succumb to her lifestyle? Should I not pursuade her to make the right choices and be a better person? Marriage is a joint effort. Even though she is 20, she is an adult and will be treated as such. I do not believe one should receive special treatment because of age.

FYI, we BOTH decided to get married and have the baby. With that decision comes great responsibility. If she's not contributing, then I will do everything in my power to encourage her to be better.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

No, 5 months isn't that long at all. And in those 5 months she seemed mature enough for marriage and a family? How did she manage to convince you? How was she different? 

You can try to persuade her to do many things, but ultimately it is her choice to carry them out. You can't control her that way. She does have a mind of her own, even if it's more like a 16 year olds.



> Marriage is a joint effort. Even though she is 20, she is an adult and will be treated as such. I do not believe one should receive special treatment because of age.


This line of thinking is great. IN THEORY. And to be honest you sound like her father and not a husband... that's not going to bode well for your future together. Patience is what you need. If you're not going to exercise it with her, you'll only get more of the same misery. It's the same type of patience you'll have to exercise with your child when it gets here. Better start now.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It sounds like you married a procrastinator. The dishes, shopping and lack of housework would drive me crazy. I like a clean house. I cook and I try to make as much as possible from scratch. I make a lot of snacks for the kids also for after school from scratch. I do not and will not make my husbands lunch. He can get what he wants from the night before dinner if I didn't cook breakfast foods. 

You need to sit your wife down and have a talk with her. Nagging won't help, but let her know that your working hard to provide, she can work hard too. Wait until that baby comes, it's going to get a whole lot worse then now. Babies are exhausting. 

Go over the monthly expenses together and what is deposited in the bank. Show her you don't have the money for her spending habits and cut back to things you need rather then things you want. Maybe make a list of the basics you expect her to get done like bills, dishes, laundry, ect... 

Both my husband and I hate paying the bills. We have it set up where once a month I can go online and it takes me less then 3 minutes to get this done. Ever since we set this up we had not had one late bill on mistake.

My husband works very hard to provide for us. He does help with the supper dishes several times a week most nights. I really appreciate his help. If he doesn't, I leave it for the next day since I'm washing them all day from the messes I made cooking.

You'll get though this. Your wife should be able to grow up and get past this.


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## Bluebutterfly (Dec 11, 2012)

Which trimester is she in? Some women the first trimester get physically exhausted + plus she could have very bad morning sickness - given her "laziness" did not bother you in the past is there a chance it’s not laziness at all but a physical reaction to hormones. Every pregnancy is different some unfortunate women need to be hospitalised for the whole nine months. Before you start making charts and changing the dynamic of your relationship make sure that this lack of activity is not caused by her body building your child?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd like to understand a few more things before I post an opinion... 

1. Did she live with family when you were dating or was she already living on her own? 

2. Have you asked her what she thinks are a man's role and a woman's role in a marriage? What does she say?

3. What is her employment history like?


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

Bluebutterfly said:


> Which trimester is she in? Some women the first trimester get physically exhausted + plus she could have very bad morning sickness - given her "laziness" did not bother you in the past is there a chance it’s not laziness at all but a physical reaction to hormones. Every pregnancy is different some unfortunate women need to be hospitalised for the whole nine months. Before you start making charts and changing the dynamic of your relationship make sure that this lack of activity is not caused by her body building your child?


We have been married for only 3 months. She is 6 months pregnant so she has always been pregnant since we've been together. Her pregnancy isn't the worst I've seen, althought there are some nights where she has belly aches, it's far from unbearable. Even in her first trimester, she only vomited once from morning sickness. In fact, we just came from her doctor visit yesterday and she's checking out pretty good thus far.

I don't think her pregnancy has anything to do with it. Even when we were dating, some of these habits were present. And this next statement does not apply to you but just saying in general:

For those of you out there saying "then you shouldn't have married her etc..." Please save it for someone else. I am asking for advice as to how to make things better, not what I could have done to prevent it..

I love my wife and I don't regret marrying her. I'm just annoyed by a few things and I feel that there is room to grow and develop into a healthy relationship. If time is what it takes, then so be it. If not, then give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Thanks.


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd like to understand a few more things before I post an opinion...
> 
> 1. Did she live with family when you were dating or was she already living on her own?
> 
> ...


She has always lived with family and has never been out on her own. 

We sat down and discussed our roles awhile back. I told her that for her pregnancy, she should probably stay at home while I work. It would be best for her and the baby so it doesn't add additional stress on her body. We also discussed her role at home while I'm out working. This is to do a few household chores (mind you, this is not much since we are the only two living together, it's not like we have 3 kids or anything), and most of the cooking. I tend to cook on certain days but she does most of it. I also do the yard work, take out trash, clean and maintain our vehicles, lift heavy items around the house etc.. she agreed to all of this.

Her employment history is modeling back in Hawaii and she worked at a car dealership (KIA) for about 1 year before moving to California. She was also going to school but dropped out of her current semester because of the pregnancy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> she agreed to all of this


Maybe it could be as simple as... she's changed her mind.

Look at it this way, she's doing what she wants to do, and what are you doing? You're still taking care of her and all those other things without her participation. She doesn't see the need to jump in and help you. You do fine all by yourself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, she is who she is and in time she will "get it", I'm sure. We all did (well most of us did).

I knew my husband for a little over a month before getting pregnant. The difference was we had both been on our own for almost 10 years. That makes a HUGE difference.

Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. That saved me much stress.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe it could be as simple as... she's changed her mind.
> 
> Look at it this way, she's doing what she wants to do, and what are you doing? You're still taking care of her and all those other things without her participation. She doesn't see the need to jump in and help you. You do fine all by yourself.


And agreeing to something you know NOTHING about is pretty easy, until reality hits.
Being a wife and mother is hard. Not gunna lie. If you aren't ready for the responsibility or the drive to be good at those two things, it's not going to happen.

She's 20. Let her be 20. She'll catch up in time. But she's not done raising herself yet. Hopefully you can have the patience to just let her grow.

She may be mourning her youth as well. When I was 20, as well as many people at 20, I was social and going out and being 20. She is now a wife and a soon-to-be mother. That's heavy. I was a mom by 23. THAT was heavy. Not even close to being ready, but it made me grow up quickly.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *that_girl said:* agreeing to something you know NOTHING about is pretty easy, until reality hits


:iagree:

This is it in a nutshell. Things sound real good until you have to do the work. Especially when you really haven't a clue what that work is like.

It's like starting a new job.


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe it could be as simple as... she's changed her mind.
> 
> Look at it this way, she's doing what she wants to do, and what are you doing? You're still taking care of her and all those other things without her participation. She doesn't see the need to jump in and help you. You do fine all by yourself.


So are you saying that I need to talk to her about this and let her know that I need her help?



that_girl said:


> Well, she is who she is and in time she will "get it", I'm sure. We all did (well most of us did).
> 
> I knew my husband for a little over a month before getting pregnant. The difference was we had both been on our own for almost 10 years. That makes a HUGE difference.
> 
> *Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be.* That saved me much stress.


I think you're misunderstanding my point. The point is, I love her and I always will. I've commited and I stand behind my promise. But that doesn't mean she can go off doing whatever she likes, whenever. There has to be boundaries somewhere. A relationship consists of more than just love. There are responsibilities, commitments, finances, sex, retirement plans, parenting, etc..

I'm finding it hard to agree with the idea of "letting her be 20" when she is going to be a Mom in three months time.

Bottom line is, I hope it doesn't take her 5-10 years to grow up. When our baby comes, she is going to have to let her 20-year-old mindset go.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

From what you've been saying here, you already had a talk with her about what you feel is lacking. Her response is to blow you off and do what she wants anyway. There haven't been any consequences for blowing you off...

Asking isn't getting. You can go on and have a sit down with her again, but something tells me she's going to give you more excuses as to why she's not doing this or that. 

You sound like a very responsible person. Unfortunately you married a very IRRESPONSIBLE person. How do you meet in the middle? I say a lot of patience and some tough love. You can't keep giving into her excuses. Take her to the SS office and get her name changed. Go together to open a bank account in both your names. Stop handing over your debit card for shopping sprees. When you get home and see dishes in the sink, ask her to clean up and suggest that afterwards you two go do something fun. She's 20. She's immature. A reward based system is what you need to develop to get her motivated to get your needs met.


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## jh2586 (Dec 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> From what you've been saying here, you already had a talk with her about what you feel is lacking. Her response is to blow you off and do what she wants anyway. There haven't been any consequences for blowing you off...
> 
> Asking isn't getting. You can go on and have a sit down with her again, but something tells me she's going to give you more excuses as to why she's not doing this or that.
> 
> You sound like a very responsible person. Unfortunately you married a very IRRESPONSIBLE person. How do you meet in the middle? I say a lot of patience and some tough love. You can't keep giving into her excuses. Take her to the SS office and get her name changed. Go together to open a bank account in both your names. Stop handing over your debit card for shopping sprees. When you get home and see dishes in the sink, ask her to clean up and suggest that afterwards you two go do something fun. She's 20. She's immature. A *reward based system *is what you need to develop to get her motivated to get your needs met.


I'll try this approach. Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You don't need to tell me what a relationship should be or have. I am well aware what a relationship is and what it needs. You say you love her but yet you want her to change. This change doesn't just happen. It will take time.

Set boundaries then and reinforce them. Problem is, she is still very much a child so she won't bring much to the table. She may take it as you trying to "parent" her and then rebel. Good luck.


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## robotmonkeyparts (Jul 27, 2012)

jh2586 said:


> We have been married for only 3 months. She is 6 months pregnant so she has always been pregnant since we've been together.


I hate to say this, but maybe you are just getting to know her? 

Marriage is work, but it doesn't have to be hard work. It can be the most rewarding thing that you put effort into. Communication is the key. Tell her your concerns and how she can help you. Then listen to hers. Don't make it into a contest as to who works harder, that won't help anything.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jh2586 said:


> What do I do? I mean, I understand that she's not used to all this, but she doesn't even make an effort to try to change! Things like, buying Mochi ice cream or getting a puppy are more important to her than getting things done around the house, or changing her name appropriately. I feel as if she's lazy and her mindset is that of a teenager.. it's really frustrating.


Sounds like my wife at age 32. Once she got pregnant and started hanging around the house all day, she lost every bit of motivation. Count your blessings, don't be so judgmental, make sure she is provided for and get your sleep now before the kid arrives. 20 yo's have been raising babies since forever.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

On a positive note....

The young, immature, lazy women I know, grew up really fast after the baby came. I am hoping you will see a BIG change in her as a new Mom.

Also, because you earn enough so that she gets the privilege of staying home with the baby (not all new Mothers do you know), then that becomes her "job" along with managing the household.

Do not be afraid to let her know what your expectations are; not as her "boss" but as a partner in your "marital partnership."


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