# Please Advice,separated, i want her back but it seems like there is no hope



## justhonest (Jul 12, 2008)

My wife moved out 4 days ago into an apartment. She cannot afford a place on her own so a friend did her a favor to let her stay in an apartment of another friend who is travelling for a month. We have been married 5 years been together 6 1/2, i am 32 and she is 27. We have been having issues now for 6 months, she says she loves me but does not know what she wants, does not see me in her future anymore, does not see a family with me, etc. these are all new information she is telling me, she has been stressed out in a job that is taking advantage of her, she works 7 days without getting paid extra hours and also low pay, she complains about the pay and the stress but would not be proactive in doing anything about it, she has been like this all our marriage and when i take steps to support her in been proactive (e.g search jobs she has shown interest in for her) she perceives it as controlling and becomes upset leading into arguments. She now says she loves this job irrespective of the issues but i came to find out about emotional affairs with a colleugue through notes i found but she told me nothing happened and she never gave him the notes or disclosed her feelings to him. During this period which has been about 6 months, she has withdrawn from me, i have done everything to connect to her without pushing her, when things seem to get better, she always find a way to provoke a fight to justify that we are not okay, she agreed to go to counseling but her comments tell me she is just going just because but it will not change anything with her. Now she has moved out, i miss her, love her and want her back, what should i do during this period, i don't want to let her feel overwhelmed by me, how many times should i call her or should i just wait for her to call me, what should i talk to her about when she calls or i call? should i ask her out for dates and how often? or maybe just don't do anything and just move on with my life and hope we would end up together if it was meant to be... any advice will be appreciated, thanks


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's tough to give advice on your situation, but I'll give it a shot. When my husband moved out six months ago I was devastated. I experienced many of the feelings you are having. I was hurt, lonely, angry, and shocked--especially after 22 years of marriage. With that being said, I honestly think I pushed him too hard for answers. Although I can't know what you wife is feeling, I'd say give her a week without contacting her. 

Counseling could be benefical for you. If she is unwilling to go, go alone. The right counselor can really make a huge difference in your life right now. Also, read marriage and self help books. My counselor got me started on that; it helps. I recommend everyone read Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages". It will help you see how you got to this point. Although I know Gary Chapman's book, "Hope for the Separated", isn't for everyone, I really recommend it as well. It is full of biblical references and contains great advice for handling separation. This forum is great for therapy too! Friends and family tend to give biased opinions where marital issues are concerned. You will get unbiased advice from this forum.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I'm going to focus on a few things you said here:

--"she agreed to go to counseling"

I think this is a good sign. If she didn't want to work on it, why bother agreeing. Read posts here and you'll see plenty of spouses who will not even consider counseling.

--"how many times should i call her or should i just wait for her to call me"

The way you phrased this makes it feel like you are pushing her away. I agree with giving her space and minimizing contact. If you push her too hard, she'll just try harder to get away. She has to want you because she wants you, not because you are pressuring her to stay.

--"or maybe just don't do anything and just move on with my life and hope we would end up together if it was meant to be.."

One piece of advice I often give is to work on YOURSELF. Odds are you've spent so much time working on her that you've neglected yourself and your interests. Go out with your friends, find your hobbies, work hard at the office... Maybe one of the reasons she left was that she felt stifled (though I don't know this since your post did not delve into that).


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## lily08 (Jul 7, 2008)

It seems to me that she is just confused with where she is in her life. I am 25, almost 26 and I am starting to figure out where I want to be and what makes me happy. I myslef am wondering if I see my husband in my future, but I am trying very hard to make it work. We have a one year old and we have been together for almost 9 years. Just give her the space she needs to figure her thoughts. Call her once or twice week until she starts coming to you. 

The space may be good for both of you to find out what makes you both truly happy. Hope this helped and good luck.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

i think you should be honest about your feelings to her, but give her the space that she is demanding. i hope things get better for you.


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