# Do you keep secrets?



## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm talking about other people secrets. Do you tell your wife/husband about them even if you're not supposed to?

When someone tells me something in confidence, I have always kept it to myself. Even if they've not requested me to do so, I'll still keep quiet if I feel it's something that they would not like me spreading. Wife claims she's the same, and I believe her. 

However, I do tell the wife most things and she does the same, even when it doesn't impact her or I and she has no idea I have a secret to tell. We trust each other not to spread it any further. 

Is this right or wrong? Does this make me untrustworthy or is it expected that Husbands and wives share everything?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Ive had a bit of a bad experience keeping something I was told by a reied confidential (not telling my wife some or all of it). A friend (male) was having issues in his marridge. His W was suspecting he was cheating and started an EA with her coworker. My friend actually saw them one night when she thought he was out on a lads night out. He confided in me and I kept quite about what was starting to happen - It was clear form what I was told the w in the EA was moving rapidly toward a PA. I was asked to go for a drink one night with my friend to chat about a stratagy for him to sort out the otehr guy and get his wife back. We are sitting at a bar when some of my friend male coworkers come in the bar. followed by some of their female friends and partners. I stayed for about 2 hours and made my excuses and left. Some week later my wife is really grumpy and moody so Im asking whats wrong and I get a third degree about being out, who with what why how. I tell her the truth but leave out the friends planning to catch the OM and wife. Still the next 2 days were very much the same. In the end I front up and ask what the heck is wrong - I get the full description of my freind out with me , loads of single women, hes off caught behind the bar chatting very closely to another girl, where was I (you can see this unfold cant you) I spill the beans about what I knew and why I was there. She even knew the time I left the bar and when she checked what time I left and when I got in the house it was quite clear that Id no time to fool about. The upshot was she said If she'd knwon a little f what was going on shed have been comfortable but chineese whispers played out and she felt at risk. That I can say was so far from the truth. However, recently she made a commment as shed been on her mobile and texting her female friend excessively that her friend may have personal issues and my wife may need to have some privaccy to talk to here. My comment was simple "just remember what keeping someones council can do between us". Its a very thin line when partners keep confidence and keep secrets. secrets are dangerous and can hide many improper things, keeping a confidence is just that. Not sharing that around is expected. If my partner was given information which was likely to put a strain on out relationship Id expect that she tell me an overview so that there is no issues or misunderstandings and I woulddo exactly the same to her. 
In short I dont belive that in a marridge there are secrests of any nature


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I assume there is always a closer intimate bond between people who frequently have sex with each other that between buddies, friends, coworkers, etc. If I don't want someone's wife to know something, I don't tell her husband. Even if he swears up and down that he'll keep something quiet, sooner or later he's going to tell her. Females, especially teenage girls, almost always tell their secrets to their best friend. The only way to really keep a secret between two people is for one to kill the other before they have the chance to spread their information. I don't like murder, so I choose to not do things that have to be kept secret.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

The safe answer is "it depends". If it is something that is likely to affect your relationship with SO, than yes, you should share. If it is something that requires action/participation (like Pault's experience), then yes.

I guess it also depends on how much you trust your SO.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> I'm talking about other people secrets. Do you tell your wife/husband about them even if you're not supposed to?


99.9% of the time yes. There have been rare occasions that whatever it was didn't come to mind later but yes because even though I can have a best friend my husband could be classified as the bestest friend so we talk about all things.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Anything and everything. No secrets between spouses. I have a married friend who I was confiding in and she said "you know that I talk to H about everything right?" and I was like, duh. I agree with others who say I don't tell married people things I don't want their spouse to know.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Although I'd like to add, it doesn't go outside of the two of us. If ever I want to share something he's told me, either about himself or someone else, I ask.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If something is told to me in confidence, my husband is the only one I reveal anything to. IMO, he and I are one, which means if I am told something, the person assumes that he will be told and if he is told something, it is assumed that I will be told. If it is to go no further than that, it doesn't. I keep no secrets from my husband, not even my friends' secrets.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> Although I'd like to add, it doesn't go outside of the two of us. If ever I want to share something he's told me, either about himself or someone else, I ask.


I think that point is key. If I thought she'd share it with others then I'd be quite reluctant to tell her. If I know anything I tell her will stay between us, then there isn't really any harm.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I believe that nobody has the right to ask you to keep anything from your spouse. So if you confide in a married person, and ask for complete confidentiality, there should be an inherent understanding that the spouse of the friend you're telling is excluded from that stipulation.

Having said that my wife does keep secrets from me if a friend requests total confidentiality. Sometimes I'm able to pry it out of her, and sometimes I just let it go. Friends tell me things in confidence all the time. If I don't feel like sharing those things, I don't. My wife doesn't ask, and so there is technically no "secret" to be kept. But if it's something she really wanted to know, I'd tell her.

My wife has an ex-best friend who my wife was very open with regarding our transparency. She knew that my wife tells me "everything". Then something happened, don't recall what, but whatever it was something my wife said, or did, that typically is only kept "between girlfriends". My wife told the ex-best friend that she'd told me about whatever it was, and the friend was shocked. She said "you told J that??", and my wife said "of course, I tell him everything". And the girl said flat out that she didn't really take "everything" literally, and had never met a wife who was that open with her husband.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I seriously doubt my wife understands the concept of confidentiality. If you tell her something, everyone will know. Which is odd considering her apparent objection and disdain for other people gossiping. So, the short answer is, know your audience. Don't assume that because someone told you something, the person you blab it to will keep it hush.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

A lack of posts on this topic provides the proof you need about the majority of members.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I tell my husband everything. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to, so I just blab to him. 

I had a friend (back before we were married, but living together with a kid) who got mad when she overheard me talking to him. Do you have to tell him everything??? What kind of woman are you??? You don't have to tell that man anything...!!!

Then after her rant, I guess it just hit her, she realized she told me a lot of personal things. I just shrugged said something along the lines of what did she expect, we live together???

She was level 10 mad. I didn't care or understand. 

Even my mom was upset when she learned what I knew husband knew. 

I figured if everyone was mad about it, I'm doin it right. I still tell everything.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Pandakiss said:


> Even my mom was upset when she learned what I knew husband knew.


:rofl:

That reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom several years ago, long before we got married. She told me "J, you don't have tell S everything!". I laughed because she was equal parts amused, and frustrated, that I shared so much of our family's business with her.

She was a very private woman, and just didn't get how I could be so comfortable telling my future-wife so much. I said "Mom, that's just the way we are".


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I used to tell him everything. Since his EA that has changed some. I weigh the pros and cons of telling him now.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

jaquen said:


> :rofl:
> 
> That reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom several years ago, long before we got married. She told me "J, you don't have tell S everything!". I laughed because she was equal parts amused, and frustrated, that I shared so much of our family's business with her.
> 
> She was a very private woman, and just didn't get how I could be so comfortable telling my future-wife so much. I said "Mom, that's just the way we are".


Haha, have had the exact same conversation.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

No. I don't keep secrets from my husband. It was a slippery slope that lead to other things. 

With that said, I do express myself with tact. I won't intentionally say something that will hurt his feelings, ripping him down, gutting his manhood. I phrase the comments with respect.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My natural inclination is tell my wife everything. I just don't believe in secrets between spouses. She doesn't keep my confidence, so I can't share everything with her. When I was deployed once, I wrote her the most intimate love letter one could imagine. It would have blown the knickers off a nun! She took it to work and read it to her co-workers.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Yep. I share everything with my husband. Anyone who assumes I wouldn't tell my husband obviously doesn't know me well and shouldn't be telling me secrets in the first place.....Ditto for him.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Feelingdown said:


> I'm talking about other people secrets. Do you tell your wife/husband about them even if you're not supposed to?


I stop somebody before I get to the "I'm not supposed to tell my wife" point. I let people know that if they don't want my wife to know, don't tell me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I believe that nobody has the right to ask you to keep anything from your spouse. So if you confide in a married person, and ask for complete confidentiality, there should be an inherent understanding that the spouse of the friend you're telling is excluded from that stipulation.


That confidentiality is codified in law. Both wife and I are involved in things that we are legally bound to keep confidential. But we could never be prosecuted for sharing with each other because marital conversations are confidential in a court of law.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I tell my husband most things, he tells me. I don't pass on information to anyone else & neither does he.
I don't tell my mother anything that I don't want half the country to know by nightfall. Sometimes I have thought of telling her something outrageous but not true to see how long it takes to get back to me...
Best rule of thumb, if someone gossips to you about other people, you can bet your bottom dollar they will gossip about you to other people.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have always told my husband everything, he is a man of confidence, it never goes any further...and I am exactly the same way in this (lips sealed).... so he tells me everything.

It's been this way since our dating -in dealing with friends. 

Every friend we have KNOWS we are like this, it is like we are tried to each other's hip anyway, and we are both trusted by all of them. I would imagine the guys he works with doesn't know all the stuff he tells me but yeah, I know alot, likely more than some of their wives in some things.... and it would never EVER go any further than me. Neither of us would raise a finger to let a secret out -that someone confided in us personally. (unless it involved murder or [email protected]#$)

The last time one of my Gf's (a newer friend)....came to my house, we took a long walk in the back yard...she poured out her heart to me- how she messed up her relationship with her BF, wanted my advice... she told me to swear to never tell a soul....on the spot I talked to her how I share all with my husband and well, she knows him pretty good, so she was cool with that, then wanted me to get HIS OPINION on what she did...and if he was her BF, how he would respond....she wanted me to call her later with HIS thoughts. Ha ha 

SO yeah.... we share it all.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, I tell my husband everything. He's my only best friend!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Not my wife.
First she starts by telling me " don't say anything , but........"

But I guess the same can be said of me.
If someone tells me something, I usually run it through her to get her opinion.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I think there have to be the odd exceptions though. My brother once did something really stupid and embarrasing. He had to tell me but also didn't want my wife to know about it. I reluctantly agreed. The wife knew something happened and asked what and I came out and told her I can't tell her for the above reasons. 

Unfortunately this just made her more curious! But she did accept my reasoning. It wasn't anything serious or anything that impacted me or her in anyway, so telling her would have simply been gossip at the expense of my brother. 

But, few months later I did tell her, so that she doesn't make the same mistake he made. And the 'shame' of the incident had died out by then.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Ha!! No no no no embarrassing stories get retold with gusto, grave detail, and highly animated, and told repeatedly. 

Those are too funny to let slip by. Over and over. And your blunder becomes our folly and punch line. 

You never know how your fvck up has enriched our lives. We add it to our long list of inside jokes. 

Sad?? Cruel?? Maybe we just have issues?? Either way, we're laughing all the way.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Hubs tells me all his secrets. I don't tell mine. A secret is a secret!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Not my wife.
> First she starts by telling me " don't say anything , but........"



:lol: Hubs is the same way!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

There are things I will take with me to my grave!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

southern wife said:


> There are things I will take with me to my grave!


I think women are better at keeping secrets.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Feelingdown said:


> I think there have to be the odd exceptions though. My brother once did something really stupid and embarrasing. He had to tell me but also didn't want my wife to know about it. I reluctantly agreed. The wife knew something happened and asked what and I came out and told her I can't tell her for the above reasons.
> 
> Unfortunately this just made her more curious! But she did accept my reasoning. It wasn't anything serious or anything that impacted me or her in anyway, so telling her would have simply been gossip at the expense of my brother.
> 
> But, few months later I did tell her, so that she doesn't make the same mistake he made. And the 'shame' of the incident had died out by then.


Well ya know It's not like I would care to tell my husband everything -what if about personal female issues going on with a friend....he would hardly want to know! Now, if she ended up on the hospital, I would share what for.... 

I think one has to be very careful who they confide in too-even if a spouse... because what if the spouse gets extrememly offended by something & starts to look at this other person who had the secret in a different light, wants to tell them what for....holds it against them or wants to go further & let another in on the secret....for payback. This would not be helpful, and could cause BAD BAD blood with friends & family. In all things, use wisdom. 

Me & my husband has just never had an issue like this - so it's just been commonplace to share such things -knowing it's iron clad, we don't speak a word outside of us alone. No matter what. 



> *PandaKiss said*: Ha!! No no no no embarrassing stories get retold with gusto, grave detail, and highly animated, and told repeatedly.
> 
> Those are too funny to let slip by. Over and over. And your blunder becomes our folly and punch line.
> 
> ...


 I found this very funny Panda Kiss... :rofl: We have had some good laughs over some things, but still, it's just between the 2 of us.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> I'm talking about other people secrets. Do you tell your wife/husband about them even if you're not supposed to?
> 
> When someone tells me something in confidence, I have always kept it to myself. Even if they've not requested me to do so, I'll still keep quiet if I feel it's something that they would not like me spreading. Wife claims she's the same, and I believe her.
> 
> ...


I tell my husband everything and I think it is something to be expected. He also does the same with me and we have no secrets between the 2 of us. All of my friends know this and I also expect this of other married friends.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The only time I share my friend's secrets with my husband is when I am worried about them. We are not one of those couples who feels the need to share every little thing. 

I keep a private journal of my thoughts and feelings; I expect my husband not to read it. Everyone needs a part of themselves that they do not share in marriage; my journal and my loved one's secrets are my private space. I may get flammed for my beliefs, but we do what works for us. 

An ex-friend once shared a very humiliating and private secret of mine with her annoying and obnoxious boyfriend. I found out when he made a rude comment directly referring to the secret. I cut off that woman because I cannot stay friends with someone I don't trust. Some things are just NOT for hubbies ears.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southern wife said:


> There are things I will take with me to my grave!


We had friends over here visiting not too long ago, the husband was going on about how what we share with others is *like the layers of an "onion*".......we share so much with acquaintences, remove a layer.... so much with co-workers...remove another layer...our family, another layer... our children, our closest friends in this world... then generally the spouse knows the deepest things about us.... then some things ONLY WE know about us --and will take to our graves... 

I looked at him & said.. "I think my husband knows it all".... I can't think of anything that I have purposely withheld from the man..... he chimed in sitting right there...how true that is... and our friend looked at me and just said ..."_____ that is a rare rare thing to find in marraige"... but they know us very well....the 4 of us friends since high school....even the stuff we go on about is terribly personal. We are the friends they have shared the most with, even there deepest marraige struggles.... and have always been comfortable doing so. 

My husband will likely go to his grave knowing all there is too know ...the good, the bad, the half crazy, the ugly, the frightful, the screw ups, all of it. BUt it is something we both want in the other and very much enjoy. 

I don't feel all couples need this level of transparency -it can be overkill for many and they see no purpose in it... But some of us..we just LIKE it. Alot of what we share is terribly amusing, dirty minded, we realize how crazy we really are, we just enjoy it & it makes for some deep conversations....always.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

FYD--- 
That was a sh!tty thing to do. I would have done the same thing. To me a husband is different than I here today gone tomorrow boyfriend. 

I expect secrecy from a friend who wasn't married, and just has fly by night guys who drifted in and out. 

And the poor character of the guy to just blurt out something he knew was on the need to know basis.


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