# Starting with someone new and red flags



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I'm coming out of a separation/divorce paper work pending and I've been on my own for about 5 months. I'm in a good place and I can deal with my ex without any issues. The marriage ended because she had an affair. Now I'm dating a girl that I use to work with and we are really into each other. I'm taking things slow or at least trying to.

We've been dating for almost a month now and she has already told me that she loves me. My good friend sees this as a big red flag. But she has told me that she really liked me for a long time but never approached me because she thought I was married. She constantly messages me all the time about what is happening in her day and she even tells me about the guys that hit on her. A lot of guys try to hit on her. She is a widow and has been for a few years. She tells me that she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years. She shares a lot. Something that I didn't get in my last relationship. I'm honestly not sure if these things are red flags or not.

Am I being paranoid looking for red flags like this? What other things should I be looking for moving forward? I like this girl a lot. I haven't dated in a long time. Maybe this is just part of getting to know someone new :scratchhead: I am trying my best to just go with it.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> She tells me that she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years. She shares a lot. Something that I didn't get in my last relationship. I'm honestly not sure if these things are red flags or not.


Doesn't look like a red flag to me.
Your friend can't see how you feel or what transpires behind closed doors.

She's being honest with you about the way she feels.
Note that she hasn't been " in love " for quite a few years .

She shares quite a lot with you, would you prefer it if she didn't?
See?

Don't over analyze it.

Maybe you struck gold, lucky you.

Just appreciate her for what she's giving to you and please , return the favor.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The fact that she says she's "in love" with you may be a red flag, but it's only one. And considering it doesn't sound like she's jumping from guy to guy, being "in love" with everyone, makes it a smaller red flag. Enjoy what you have. Keep it relaxed and easy and fun. Be honest about your expectations and wishes. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I'm coming out of a separation/divorce paper work pending and I've been on my own for about 5 months. I'm in a good place and I can deal with my ex without any issues. The marriage ended because she had an affair. Now I'm dating a girl that I use to work with and we are really into each other. I'm taking things slow or at least trying to.


Red flags:
1. Your divorce is not final
2. Only been 5 months, probably need more time to heal
3. Dating coworker.

These are YOUR red flags, not hers.



tryingpatience said:


> We've been dating for almost a month now and she has already told me that she loves me. My good friend sees this as a big red flag.


Meh, I don't think so. Lady is tellng you her feelings, embrace it....don't question it.

Especially since she already told you that she liked you for a long time. Her feelings can go into Love rather quickly once you start dating. 

Have you guys been intimate at all? That will make her feel "love" even faster.....

Also, don't share personal details of your relationship with "friends" <<<<<< red flag #4 for you



tryingpatience said:


> But she has told me that she really liked me for a long time but never approached me because she thought I was married. She constantly messages me all the time about what is happening in her day and she even tells me about the guys that hit on her. A lot of guys try to hit on her. She is a widow and has been for a few years. She tells me that she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years. She shares a lot. Something that I didn't get in my last relationship. I'm honestly not sure if these things are red flags or not.


Sounds great to me. Your SO is sharing details of her life with you. What's the problem? 

Red flat #5 for you for even THINKING that this is a red flag

: D

Having fun with this now....



tryingpatience said:


> Am I being paranoid looking for red flags like this? What other things should I be looking for moving forward? I like this girl a lot. I haven't dated in a long time. Maybe this is just part of getting to know someone new :scratchhead: I am trying my best to just go with it.


0 red flags to her (ok fine, maybe one for her as well for dating a coworker.....big no no IMO, but it's too late for that).

5 for you

It all sounds fine to me. You seem a bit paranoid and afraid of commitment? Have you opened up to her as much as she did to you?

Are you REALLY ready to date is the big question???


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Doesn't look like a red flag to me.
> Your friend can't see how you feel or what transpires behind closed doors.
> 
> She's being honest with you about the way she feels.
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

DoF, I couldn't help but laugh at myself while reading what you said. I'm the red flag for her. We no longer work together. I hooked up with her before I left the job. I feel ready and I have no doubts about dating. I just didn't know that things could be this good after what I went through. It is amazing.

Yes, I won't over analyze.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> *I'm coming out of a separation/divorce paper work pending and I've been on my own for about 5 months. * I'm in a good place and I can deal with my ex without any issues. The marriage ended because she had an affair. Now I'm dating a girl that I use to work with and we are really into each other. I'm taking things slow or at least trying to.
> 
> *We've been dating for almost a month now and she has already told me that she loves me. * My good friend sees this as a big red flag. But she has told me that she really liked me for a long time but never approached me because she thought I was married. She constantly messages me all the time about what is happening in her day and *she even tells me about the guys that hit on her. A lot of guys try to hit on her.* She is a widow and has been for a few years. [/B] *She tells me that she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years. * She shares a lot. Something that I didn't get in my last relationship. I'm honestly not sure if these things are red flags or not.
> 
> Am I being paranoid looking for red flags like this? What other things should I be looking for moving forward? I like this girl a lot. I haven't dated in a long time. Maybe this is just part of getting to know someone new :scratchhead: I am trying my best to just go with it.


The bolded statements are all things to be concerned about. You don't say how old this girl is so it's hard to pinpoint her motives for declaring love so early in and over sharing. Is she trying to make you jealous or pointing out that she is one desirable woman and you had better grab her quick before someone else does? Either one is quite immature. If, indeed, she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years, why not? Especially why not when she has _all_ these men hitting on her.

Frankly, I'm detecting a scent of desperation.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> DoF, I couldn't help but laugh at myself while reading what you said. I'm the red flag for her. We no longer work together. I hooked up with her before I left the job. I feel ready and I have no doubts about dating. I just didn't know that things could be this good after what I went through. It is amazing.
> 
> Yes, I won't over analyze.


I was LMAO myself hehe

Good for you 2 (on no longer co worker part).

Embrace it man, it's not EASY to find a good woman. And be thankful there is someone out there that has such feelings for you.

I would think you would be one step closer on loving her JUST because of that alone.

Be open and honest with her and don't hold back your emotions like so many man do........which turns off/pushes off their loved ones.

Personally, I find myself to be a very emotional person. And I don't hold back AT ALL. Plenty of guys would call me a "*****"......hehe whatever, **** em.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> The bolded statements are all things to be concerned about. You don't say how old this girl is so it's hard to pinpoint her motives for declaring love so early in and over sharing. Is she trying to make you jealous or pointing out that she is one desirable woman and you had better grab her quick before someone else does? Either one is quite immature. If, indeed, she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years, why not? Especially why not when she has _all_ these men hitting on her.
> 
> Frankly, I'm detecting a scent of desperation.


I thought that at first also. But she's been really picky because she has a young daughter and her last bf was awful to her. We are both in our mid 30s.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

DoF said:


> I would think you would be one step closer on loving her JUST because of that alone.


I am


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I am


Good for you! Tell her.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> I thought that at first also. But she's been really picky because she has a young daughter and her last bf was awful to her. We are both in our mid 30s.


Mid 30s? She sounds very immature and actually quite desperate(she doesn't need to share so much so early in a "relationship"). 

I know you said you feel ready, but it's only been 5 months. How long were you with your ex wife? In the big picture, 5 months is not long at all and I think it would be better to just be alone for a while longer.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The bolded statements are all things to be concerned about. You don't say how old this girl is so it's hard to pinpoint her motives for declaring love so early in and over sharing. Is she trying to make you jealous or pointing out that she is one desirable woman and you had better grab her quick before someone else does? Either one is quite immature. If, indeed, she hasn't been with anyone in 3 years, why not? Especially why not when she has _all_ these men hitting on her.
> 
> Frankly, I'm detecting a scent of desperation.


:iagree:. 

Love after only one month? Big red flag, IMHO.

OP, just how well did you know this person beforehand? 'Cuz one month is way too quick to go from "he seems kinda cute and nice" all the way to love. Unless, of course, you were actually pretty good friends that hung out and knew each other, then it might be a different story.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

always_alone said:


> :iagree:.
> 
> Love after only one month? Big red flag, IMHO.


Not sure if I agree.

Wife and I were in love few weeks in. Mind you, we were young.....blind....but we were still in love rather quickly.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> Embrace it man, it's not EASY to find a good woman. And be thankful there is someone out there that has such feelings for you.
> 
> I would think you would be one step closer on loving her JUST because of that alone.


Just for the record, this is exactly how so many men end up in unhappy relationships, with sexless, batsh1t crazy, or narcissistic women.

OP, don't over-analyze, but don't under-analyze either. If she "seems to good to be true", there's a good chance she is mirroring or playing other games. And at just 5 mths free yourself, you're not exactly in a strong position.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm always wary of anyone dropping "I love you bombs" on me too early in. It's infatuation right now. It's only a few weeks/1 month of dating.

Thing is, you are uncomfortable with the speed. So make sure you tell her you want to go slow.

Also, you're only 5 months out from separation/divorce. Which makes this woman a rebound.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Just for the record, this is exactly how so many men end up in unhappy relationships, with sexless, batsh1t crazy, or narcissistic women.


I'm not disagreeing with above.

HOWEVER, my advice is assuming that his girlfriend has shown him love with ACTION......not just words. We don't know, he hasn't spoke about it....but something he certainly should consider.



always_alone said:


> Don't over-analyze, but don't under-analyze either. If she "seems to good to be true", there's a good chance she is mirroring or playing other games. And at just 5 mths free yourself, you're not exactly in a strong position.


Agreed


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I was in a position much like this. The timing was different but basically I got handed a woamna who was freaking fantastic when all I wanted to do was play the field.

If you like her and she really is good for you, she will understand if you say you want to take it easy. 
In the meantime, you need to be the best and most honest "you" you can be.

Sometimes life gives you a reach around.
Sounds like she's it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait wait... are you divorced? Or still married, getting divorced?

Because if it's the latter, then yeah waaaay too fast.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> HOWEVER, my advice is assuming that his girlfriend has shown him love with ACTION......not just words. We don't know, he hasn't spoke about it....but something he certainly should consider.


I'm not disagreeing with you, either. However, if she is mirroring (and admittedly, that's a big if), then she will seem very perfect both in words and actions, as she will be tailoring her behaviours to appeal to him. That is, until it no longer suits her purposes.

Mirroring is a very common dating/seduction strategy for insecure, desperate, and/or otherwise unbalanced women, and it is *very* effective, as it is used to convince men that she is everything they have ever dreamed of having.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

always_alone said:


> I'm not disagreeing with you, either. However, if she is mirroring (and admittedly, that's a big if), then she will seem very perfect both in words and actions, as she will be tailoring her behaviours to appeal to him. That is, until it no longer suits her purposes.
> 
> Mirroring is a very common dating/seduction strategy for insecure, desperate, and/or otherwise unbalanced women, and it is *very* effective, as it is used to convince men that she is everything they have ever dreamed of having.


That's all fine. She can do whatever she wants and have whatever intentions she might have.

It's OPs responsibility to INVEST TIME AND DUE DILIGENCE in this relationship. 

We all know time is our friend.

Regardless, I think some of your thoughts are quite dirty. I like to remain optimistic about his girl friends intentions/feelings.

But he should certainly keep those things on his mind.ESPECIALLY if there is ANY kind of wealth involved here.....


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

always_alone said:


> I'm not disagreeing with you, either. However, if she is mirroring (and admittedly, that's a big if), then she will seem very perfect both in words and actions, as she will be tailoring her behaviours to appeal to him. That is, until it no longer suits her purposes.
> 
> Mirroring is a very common dating/seduction strategy for insecure, desperate, and/or otherwise unbalanced women, and it is *very* effective, as it is used to convince men that she is everything they have ever dreamed of having.


I've thought of this also. I've told her that I want to take it slow and she said she knows I've been through a lot. Since I've told her that she hasn't said those words. The divorce application has been signed and it's being processed.

She was cheated on in her last marriage and we've talked about it. Part of the reason why I want to take things slow is because I do want to see if her actions back up her words. So when ever we go out I watch. I know I'm not ready to return those words.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I've thought of this also. I've told her that I want to take it slow and she said she knows I've been through a lot. Since I've told her that she hasn't said those words. The divorce application has been signed and it's being processed.
> 
> She was cheated on in her last marriage and we've talked about it. Part of the reason why I want to take things slow is because I do want to see if her actions back up her words. So when ever we go out I watch. I know I'm not ready to return those words.


You are doing it right :smthumbup:


----------



## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Tryingpatience - when she said the words "I love you" (and I'm assuming she said them, not texted them, emailed them...) how did YOU FEEL? Did you feel excited? Nervous? What did you say in return? Your answers in those will explain a LOT and will answer whether those words really are a red flag for you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> It's OPs responsibility to INVEST TIME AND DUE DILIGENCE in this relationship.


Or not. There is no rule that says he needs to move fast or in any way/shape/form just because she says she loves him. 

What about his feelings? 

And his feelings are: 



tryingpatience said:


> I've told her that I want to take it slow and she said she knows I've been through a lot.


I would be concerned if she keeps trying to bulldoze ahead even after that (and the fact you're only FIVE MONTHS out of a marriage/separated!!!) because that would be she isn't respecting your feelings.

No, it doens't seem she is doing that (since he told her to slow down) but I am telling you Trying, she is a rebound. She's the first one after your separation which means Rebound.

GO SLOW. 

Process your feelings/healing/divorce/etc.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

:iagree:


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

tryagain13 said:


> Tryingpatience - when she said the words "I love you" (and I'm assuming she said them, not texted them, emailed them...) how did YOU FEEL? Did you feel excited? Nervous? What did you say in return? Your answers in those will explain a LOT and will answer whether those words really are a red flag for you.


It felt great and at the same time I felt bad that I wasn't ready to tell her the same. She's the type of person who knows what she wants and that's partly why I like her so much. She seems so sure about me. I am taking it slow.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

First and foremost is the need to understand that men and women are two different creatures all together! Honest and open communication is vital for any true intimacy. Explaining that you appreciate her words but aren't ready to say the same thing yet, seems like a good option. The fact that you want to "take things slow" is wise - especially if you mean it and are abstaining from sexual activity. 

I have seen descriptions of "red flags" that clearly are troublesome. What you have shared, however, is not in that category as far as my experience goes. After a divorce, healing is absolutely necessary no matter what the reason for the break-up. What have you done to make sure this is true for you? Divorce recovery groups were very helpful for me. No matter which way you go, dealing with your ex-wife's betrayal is necessary because trust issues can definitely follow you into subsequent relationships. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> *I'm always wary of anyone dropping "I love you bombs" on me too early in. It's infatuation right now. It's only a few weeks/1 month of dating.*
> 
> Thing is, you are uncomfortable with the speed. So make sure you tell her you want to go slow.
> 
> Also, you're only 5 months out from separation/divorce. Which makes this woman a rebound.


:iagree:

In reading the replies here.. every one has a good point.. I mean EVERY ONE... including Blondilocks...her letting you know all these men hit on her like that.. it's just "too much" - too fast.. and I say this being a pretty Open woman myself, laying quite a few things out there.. when I feel I get along 'well" with someone.. I much understand the personality of the transparent woman. YET....

If she is hit on SO MUCH... why no relationships in 3 whole yrs.. the whole male population can't be THAT bad.. what gives? What do you have that no one else has?? Seriously. I might even question her honesty on that one.

At this stage, it really IS "infatuation".. one can not distinguish between Infatuation and authentic Love that has a chance of being "Lasting"... until you have had more shared experiences, resolved some conflict along the way...gotten deeper/ vulnerable.. experts say if you make it to 18 months and still crave being with one another ...feeling in sync.... you have beat the odds.. One month is far too soon to KNOW this.. or even claim to. 

..If you have slept with her already, the hormonal fog has already steamed everything up, attachment chemicals can blind people to each other's faults even , we see what we want to see..... better to build on "just getting to know each other" - take it slow.. if it's good.. no rush... it's not like either will be going anywhere ...seek to discover areas of compatibility...so many areas...that can come back to bite down the road... one can't stuff all that in - in a month's time... 

I think saying "I love you's " this early is unwise.. too often one falls out of that , and the other feels betrayed because they spoke too soon.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

After my ex and I separated, I met a guy 10 months later. He said alot of things, and after the crap marriage I had I was afraid to trust anything he said. I thought it HAD to be some kind of phony dating show... 

Plus, people actually preach formulas for how long you should grieve for your marriage before you can get close to someone else. Phooey. When a marriage is stupid, and really needs to just end... the whole process is ALOT easier!


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> :iagree:
> 
> In reading the replies here.. every one has a good point.. I mean EVERY ONE... including Blondilocks...her letting you know all these men hit on her like that.. it's just "too much" - too fast.. and I say this being a pretty Open woman myself, laying quite a few things out there.. when I feel I get along 'well" with someone.. I much understand the personality of the transparent woman. YET....
> 
> ...


I knew within a month of meeting Mr H that I loved him, it can happen. 3 years down the track and I love him more and more each day but I fell in love with him very quickly (did not say it out loud though for some time). I agree it takes time to go from infatuation love to deep love but if a person knows what they want and can see it right in front of them then it is not that big a stretch to fall in love quickly.
Time gives the benefit of seeing the other person in all sorts of situations, how they interact socially, how they treat other people, if they are true to their word, if your chemistry will grow, if you can live with their habits etc but yes it is possible to fall in love in a month. What happens after that time is yet to be proven for sure, no one can read the future.

I don't see her saying she loves him so soon is a massive red flag.

As for being hit on and not being in a relationship for 3 years, well I have to disagree with your questioning her on this SA. It happens, it happens in the big wide world out there. That is how my life was post separation, it happened to me and was quite surprising. The thing is that post divorce we (well some of us) tend to be a bit more discerning. I was hit on as soon as the news was out there that ex and I were over. Once men know you are single again they don't waste time. But I did not get into a relationship for 2 years because none of the men that I dated were the right one for me. Sure I met some wonderful men but post divorce it had to be someone pretty amazing to hold my attention. It doesn't mean that one man is a better person than the next, it means that one man is the better partner for me than the rest.

OP take it slow, like a PP said don't over think this but keep your best interests at heart. This is your life, trust that you have learnt enough post marriage/divorce to know what is good for you. If you cannot see what/who is good for you then you are not ready to date.

There is no urgency, no deadline, just see what eventuates.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So that is what dating is for. Vetting a potential partner.

Date her. You may have struck gold... Or pyrite. Date her to find out.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

So, how much do you know about her? I mean REALLY know about her? For example, has she ever had any fidelity problems? 

Seems like she is for real, but 5 months? Time is your friend. Take is easy, but when you know the answer don't dither about. You just might ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I did. But it took me 6 years to do it. Good luck.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> *I knew within a month of meeting Mr H that I loved him, it can happen. 3 years down the track and I love him more and more each day but I fell in love with him very quickly (did not say it out loud though for some time). I agree it takes time to go from infatuation love to deep love but if a person knows what they want and can see it right in front of them then it is not that big a stretch to fall in love quickly*.


 and I ADORE stories like these.. I really do.. and they DO happen... I was watching that Bachelor in Paradise and how Cody wore his heart on his sleeve for Michele...he jumped in so DEEP.. so FAST....









and here... they are heading for the alter... I was so darn touched by those 2.... I think I got teary eyed at the ending..... I mean it's early & all.. but it can happen.. and I know.. I know.. everyone likes to mock that show.. some of them do work out.

My H's always said it was love at 1st sight...he still didn't use those words for a couple/ few months though...I wish I remembered now.....The other day...we were on paddle boats, it was our Anniversary...I was saying how our wedding day was the happiest of my life.. and he said the day he met me was the happiest of his.. I liked that... 

It can all work out...of course...

I guess I am one to take a more cautious view .. so many feel they met their soul mate in the 1st couple months.. then it all falls apart.. I have a GF who was devastated cause he said he loved her pretty quickly, she would call me crying saying "why did he say that?"... "Why did he say that to me?"... these things playing on my mind when I wrote my post...to be honest....



> Time gives the benefit of seeing the other person in all sorts of situations, how they interact socially, how they treat other people, if they are true to their word, if your chemistry will grow, if you can live with their habits etc but *yes it is possible to fall in love in a month. What happens after that time is yet to be proven for sure, no one can read the future.*


 I wonder.. would others still call it love if it didn't last... I couldn't do that.. I'd think it was misplaced.. I'd chalk that up to infatuation... Only time can reveal..



> *I don't see her saying she loves him so soon is a massive red flag*.


No... only if he is more traditionally minded man & feels the man should take the lead in love/ pursuing...I know I know.. so out of date.. though I still like that model.. but he's HAPPY about it.. so it's all good..



> *As for being hit on and not being in a relationship for 3 years, well I have to disagree with your questioning her on this SA. It happens, it happens in the big wide world out there. That is how my life was post separation, it happened to me and was quite surprising. The thing is that post divorce we (well some of us) tend to be a bit more discerning. I was hit on as soon as the news was out there that ex and I were over. Once men know you are single again they don't waste time. But I did not get into a relationship for 2 years because none of the men that I dated were the right one for me. Sure I met some wonderful men but post divorce it had to be someone pretty amazing to hold my attention. It doesn't mean that one man is a better person than the next, it means that one man is the better partner for me than the rest*.


 I was looking at it as though she didn't date at all ...like she was just alone for 3 yrs straight....nobody in her life...but as you say here... DUH... dating/ meeting men and " in a relationship" are 2 different things...just wasn't putting that much thought into it.. you are right.


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

She sounds desperate, needy and clingy to me. And she might have some delusion as well. ( a lot of guys hit on her...)


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

DoF said:


> Not sure if I agree.
> 
> Wife and I were in love few weeks in. Mind you, we were young.....blind....but we were still in love rather quickly.


I also had a similar experience with my W. She told her mother that she thought she would probably marry me after we'd been together only 3 weeks. We told each other that we loved one another right around a month in.

We were also young but had both been in a few previous relationships so it's not like we didn't know or understand what love was. I do agree that it could have been just infatuation but we both met each others mental checklist for the perfect mate. I think once that happens, love can absolutely follow quickly. 

Admittedly, it's less likely to happen for most people but it can and does happen for some of us lucky ones. We'll celebrate 29 years of marriage this December so obviously it worked out.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I met my husband 8 months after he and his ex wife separated. I did have concerns because he wasn't divorced, but by the time I met him, he'd had one relationship post marriage and his ex wife was living with another man, lol.

We had several conversations about it, because as I said, I was a bit concerned. But I trusted my instincts and they told me to keep saying yes to dates until I felt the answer should be no. Mr Frusdil showed me through his words and his actions that he was most definitely over his marriage (which was long dead even before separation) and wanted to be with me and only me.

I hadn't been in a relationship before him for about 3 years too, maybe a bit longer, purely because my last relationship was abusive, violent and cruel. I had a LOT of work to do to recover from that and heal myself before even thinking about getting involved again. I didn't want to take the baggage from that to my next relationship.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Hey buddy, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

There is a type of luck called good luck you know.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Coco2014 said:


> *She sounds desperate, needy and clingy to me. And she might have some delusion as well. ( a lot of guys hit on her*...)


In my mind, if I said "I love you" first, it would only put pressure on a man..many don't want to get serious.... and calling /texting THAT much...before HE made his intentions known..this is HOW I would feel I'd be perceived (desperate, needy & clingy) even if I was nuts about him, I'd hold my horses.... just not something I can shake.. 

I don't think it's wise for women to give too much too early, hang on that tightly ...but go by HIS cues, how much HE puts forth.... but that's old fashioned thinking for ya !

If I was him, I'd want to explore why she feels a need to mention being hit on all the time.. when this happens to a secure woman, it's just one of those things she wouldn't need to speak of...unless there was a funny story or a stalker concern, then I could see it...

How does she share these "hits"...give us an example.. and how often.. once a week.. every so many days ? Are these guys shes works with , or out on the street ?


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

She'll tell me what a co-worker said to her, how a co-worker asked her out, or how a friend was trying to set her up. She has turned down these co-workers. She's dated twice in the last 2.5 years and said she was disappointed. She has a young daughter so she has been picky. It sounded like she was doing a lot of soul searching during that time trying to figure out what she wanted. If she wanted to stay single or have a family again.

She tells me that now people know she's with someone no one is trying to set her up with anyone anymore. She even told me that a bunch of guy friends dropped off her Facebook when they found out.

Another reason why I really like her is because she understands the whole infidelity thing. She was cheated on in her last marriage.

I am watching her actions and I'm trying not to over analyze. I haven't dated in a long time so I was seeing the whole telling me about how other guys hitting on her as the game you play in the beginning. I saw it as part of the flirting with me etc. I'm waiting to see if it dies down. Many of the stories she tells me were before we started going out. Maybe she's just trying to be really transparent with me because of my situation with the cheating.

With that said, I do feel like I can take my time and see where this goes


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I am watching her actions and I'm trying not to over analyze. I haven't dated in a long time so I was seeing the whole telling me about how other guys hitting on her as the game you play in the beginning. I saw it as part of the flirting with me etc. I'm waiting to see if it dies down. Many of the stories she tells me were before we started going out. Maybe she's just trying to be really transparent with me because of my situation with the cheating.
> 
> With that said, I do feel like I can take my time and see where this goes


Be transparent means tell you the relationship she had, maybe. Buy telling how many guys hit on her is bragging or playing a game. Taking it slowly is smart.You got nothing to lose. No point to hurry.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is interesting to read the male responses versus the female responses.

Yes, the op may have gotten lucky and struck gold. It won't hurt to keep his eyes & ears open while dating her and protecting his heart & wallet.


----------



## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

My two cents:

Getting told "i love you" after one month is a red flag. people that are quick to feel, and announce such big feelings, are usually quick to "feel" other big feelings too. Quick mind changers. 

Often, in my experience, these people are impulsive and inclined to seek instant gratification. They are usually the types of people that say "I break up with you," and tomorrow, "I miss you, come back." 

And unfortunately- I'm less inclined to believe the things people like that say. It may feel real to them. But then again- they might feel differently just as quickly later on. Thereby making it why I would have trouble believing them to begin with.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

always_alone said:


> *Just for the record, this is exactly how so many men end up in unhappy relationships, with sexless, batsh1t crazy, or narcissistic women*.
> 
> OP, don't over-analyze, but don't under-analyze either. *If she "seems to good to be true", there's a good chance she is mirroring or playing other games.* And at just 5 mths free yourself, you're not exactly in a strong position.


Totally Agree! Some people, men or women, are so uneasy being alone, especially after coming out of a marriage, that they will see this clingy behavior as "amazing". 

IMO I would be very careful about someone acting so committed to me so early on. I would back off a little and get to REALLY know this person first.

Take it from me.... I've been through this with my ex. Too good to be true/swept me off my feet/overwhelmed me with the I love yous and sex and affection. I know now it was to hide who he really was. That started coming out when the honeymoon period wore off.

ps. I hope the OP has had a vasectomy


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Coco2014 said:


> Be transparent means tell you the relationship she had, maybe. Buy telling how many guys hit on her is bragging or playing a game. Taking it slowly is smart.You got nothing to lose. No point to hurry.


It seems like a game to me. Like I said I'm waiting to see if it dies down. Would it be better to say something about it now? Because that's what I feel like doing. If so, how would I go about bringing up the subject. It is a big turn off for me btw.

Just the other day she told me that some people from her team couldn't understand how she could be a mom because she looks way too good. I stopped myself from saying do you need constant validation and attention or something? Then I realized that would make me an ass. I would have to see for myself how she reacts in these situations.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> It seems like a game to me. Like I said I'm waiting to see if it dies down. Would it be better to say something about it now? Because that's what I feel like doing. If so, how would I go about bringing up the subject. It is a big turn off for me btw.
> 
> Just the other day she told me that some people from her team couldn't understand how she could be a mom because she looks way too good.* I stopped myself from saying do you need constant validation and attention or something?* Then I realized that would make me an ass. I would have to see for myself how she reacts in these situations.


You said her last bf treated her badly, and that her husband cheated on her. I can see that, yes, she might very much appreciate compliments from people on her attractiveness. 

You've been cheated on. I'm sure you can understand how that can destroy a person's self-esteem.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Signs: clingy, desperate and insecure.

Keep mouth shut and eyes & ears open. 90 days is the typical honeymoon period in dating when people will be on their best behavior. If you can't deal with her 'best', I guarantee you will not like her worst.


----------



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

“She constantly messages me all the time about what is happening in her day” 

– This sounds needs and clingy to me. She just cannot be alone and enjoy herself. Surprising that she could be alone for the last 3 years without anybody. You probably like this because you once got cheated on so you like this girl being so “transparent” with you. 

“A lot of guys try to hit on her. She'll tell me what a co-worker said to her, how a co-worker asked her out, or how a friend was trying to set her up. She even told me that a bunch of guy friends dropped off her Facebook when they found out. Just the other day she told me that some people from her team couldn't understand how she could be a mom because she looks way too good.” 

– I seriously doubt all those admiration really happened in reality or only happened in her own mind or she was just exaggerating. If most of those really only happened in her own mind, then she got some issues. BTW, you used to be co-workers with her. You shall have some connections. How about you ask her team-members what they think about her?

“She was cheated on in her last marriage “, “She is a widow and has been for a few years”, “her last bf was awful to her”. 

– Her life surely had a lot of drama. Why? Is it because she just had bad luck? Or she just attracts bad guys? Even it is because she just had bad luck, she must have a lot of baggage (mentally) from her past bad experience. It won’t hurt for your guys to go through pre-marriage counselling if you guys stay together. 

“She’s been really picky” “She seems so sure about me” “She liked me for long time…”” She said she loves me…” 

- She surely comes on strong and you apparently feel flattered and honored. You have just gone through a divorce so you need that boost of confidence and like it. But be careful, if she got issues, then she wants you to fall in love with her quickly before you see her true color. Once you have invested your emotions in it, then it will be much much much harder for you to walk away when she shows her true color. If she is the right one, then it shall not matter you guys take it slowly. As a person who got burned twice in her past relationships, shouldn't she want to be prudent and take it slowly like you do? Why jump the gun like she does?

I suggest you keep your eyes open and just observe. Keep your brain clear and don’t let the chemistry cloud it. If you say something now. she might just pretend to be the one you like.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Been keeping my eyes open and watching. Although she'll tell me that she wished we had more time together she's moving at my pace. I'm beginning to understand her situation a little more. She works in the TV industry so she is surrounded by men all the time and it seems that it can be a male dominated environment. So that's where the drama comes from mostly. Men acting like aholes and getting away with it.

Since I've been with her she's cut out some negativity in her life without me asking her to. She'll put a guy into his place if he makes an inappropriate comment. But the fact that she let this kind of thing happen before me bothers me. Can people change that way for someone? Is it a bad thing? I keep thinking that once the "in love" feelings wear off I'll have to deal with this kind of drama later.

Let me know if you think I'm over analyzing this thing again


----------



## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

OP. 

I guess I wouldn't worry too much about these things. I would suggest taking it slow and if you're feeling pressure to reciprocate love or advance the relationship faster than you're comfortable with, tell her and ask her to be patient. If she really does love you, she'll be willing to take it slow for your sake. If she sees that as pulling away and gets needy, you probably should take a break. Your marriage has left scars, whether you see them or not, and it'll take time to heal. Being cheated on will make you more likely to hold on to the first girl who comes along because your self esteem has a pretty big dent in it. Relax and give it time. There's no reason to rush anything. Good luck!


----------



## DesertGirl (Oct 23, 2014)

Listen to your friend. They are red flags.

Clingy, needy and insecure.

Why would any woman who "loves" a man tell that man about men who hit on her or how coworkers are trying to set her up? That is incredibly disrespectful. She's in a relationship with you! 

If you had drama with her now (or in the past) you will have drama with her in the future. No relationship should have this much drama while it's still this new anyhow.

Wish you luck!


----------



## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

She just needs to chill a bit.


----------

