# She Wants To Come Back Now



## Isuck

Well, August 1st, she left. Got a place on her own then January 1st, she moved in her boyfriend to live with her. I have accepted that we'll never be together, have moved on and have a wonderful girlfriend of my own who I care about very deeply now.

Anyhow, today my soon to be ex, texts me like crazy saying she wants to come home, has asked her boyfriend to get out and just wants her old life back with me.

Uh?

When she left, she left as a walk away wife. She was having an affair with the very guy she is now kicking out. She seems so lost and I cannot trust her anymore. We have kids together, but that's not a good enough reason to reconcile in my mind. Plus I can't really forgive her for what she's done in cheating on me. PLUS I really like my girlfriend, she's an upgrade in every way.

Any advice?


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## PBear

So what's the question? She made her decision. You don't want her back. Karma's a b1tch.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Seems like you've answered your own question...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Tell the Ex she's **** out of luck.

Try not to have a **** eating grin on your face when you do it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

Yeah I think I have. The only thing that would even make me consider getting back with her, is my kids. I love them, but I have to be happy too.


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## PBear

You can still be good parents, even if you're not together. Concentrate on that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

Good point. I grew up in a divorced household and know what it's like. I love the kids but if it weren't for them, I would probably never speak to my ex ever again, (soon to be ex that is).


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## Tomlongisland

Hey,

if you are going to stay with the gf say goodbye. If you think you may have feelings for the ex don't let her move back in but date her and see how it works.


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## Isuck

I don't have feelings for the ex, but she's pulling out the "we should try for the kids" line. Guilting me into anything is kinda dumb. My GF is way better. I just wanted to see if anyone else was going through this.


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## PBear

I would tell her she should have thought about that about 6 months ago...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

I'm a FWS so I feel for the woman...sorry. There's lots of these types of stories here where the BS has said no effin way and now they are reconciling. Look at Rookie4's threads. 
Yes, I agree saying get back together for the kids is a guilt trip but is also legitimate. She shouldn't be using it tho. 

Are you willing to give her a chance to prove herself? Obviously you are asking for a reason, something inside you somewhere is wondering if you should....

How long were you married? How old are you both? How many kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

I told her I wanted this before, she didn't. She gave up, ran away, broke my heart and refused to even consider giving me any chance. Now that things are done with her stupid BF, she wants to come back. How can I trust her again? (I can't). The love is gone and I'm not sure I want to even entertain getting hurt by her again, (which I think I would IF I ever got back with her). 

She didn't like that but is really kissing ass at this point. 



I can't even imagine anything physical with her. All I'd be thinking of is her stupid ex BF. That would drive me crazy.


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## Isuck

What's FWS? I'm not sure of the lingo here.

We were married just shy of 13 years. 4 kids. Late 30's both of us.


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## PBear

I'm also a formerly wayward spouse, and if I went crawling back to my wife, I wouldn't be expecting much mercy. I would expect to live with my decision. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

FWS - former wayward spouse. 
To me, it sounds like you are still very angry. Plus you have someone new in your life which helps. 13 years and 4 kids is a lot to give up. Yes, I realize she gave it up first but you now have a chance to save it. 

It is possible to reconcile but it takes two. Has she shown any remorse at all? Did she kick the bf out or did he dump her? 

As FWS, you have to be prepared to live with our past decisions, but that doesn't mean others, like our spouses cannot forgive and rebuild. Sometimes it just takes time and commitment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

I am angry, but getting better. Now I'm more angry at her stupidity then anything else. She destroyed a family with her actions. I played a part of course, but I took ownership of all my issues and fixed them. She ran like a coward right to another man.

She is now apologizing and she kicked him out literally today. She moves really quick and acts on emotion always. It's one extreme or another with her, never anything in between or working on things. Black or white rules with her. It's sad.

Forgiving would be tough at this point. Maybe if she had just been honest the whole time it would be different, but yeah, I don't tolerate lies very well.


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## familyfirst09

Well the fact that she dumped him is a good sign on her part. 
And also a good sign that you recognize your own mistakes and worked to fix them. Not every WS is truly remorseful for their actions but before you make any quick decisions, I would give it some time and think things through. Read Rookie4's two threads. He went through the same thing. And him and his FWS are now reconciling after 2 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

I've been reading his threads. Thing is there's a new GF involved on my end too and we're getting pretty serious. I can't and won't hurt her just to take a chance on a person who has betrayed and hurt me so badly in the past. 

This puts me in crappy position though because now the GF might start getting worried, (without merit), about me ever going back to the cheater. It almost seems that the soon to be ex, saw I was happy so she decided to try to control my new relationship or put strain on it on purpose.


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## tom67

Yep my ex is all nice with me even though I have a gf. She lived with om for about a year. Guess the grass isn't greener sometimes. Sounds like you should focus on your kids and gf.


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## naga75

Isuck said:


> I've been reading his threads. Thing is there's a new GF involved on my end too and we're getting pretty serious. I can't and won't hurt her just to take a chance on a person who has betrayed and hurt me so badly in the past.
> 
> This puts me in crappy position though because now the GF might start getting worried, (without merit), about me ever going back to the cheater. It almost seems that the soon to be ex, saw I was happy so she decided to try to control my new relationship or put strain on it on purpose.


i think if you want to take a risk, take it with the new GF. take it with someone who has not burned you.
as far as the title of your thread:
"she wants to come back now", all i can say is...
of course she does.
karma bus.


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## familyfirst09

How long have you had the new girlfriend? When did xw find out about the girlfriend?
I understand you're hurt but I would still take some real time to think about it. If she only wants back because of the gf then that will come out, she won't be able to hide that. But if she is truly sorry and remorseful then considering reconciliation with your wife that you have a history and a child with, may be an option. I'm just trying to give you a second view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71

naga is dead on....if she realizes she can cheat, bedhop and beg you back....it will be a cycle. how much remorse is she disclosing? odds are better if you try something with the gf. the gf has never cheated on you and she may never. she may be your 'once in a lifetime'. if you return to your ex....say hello to anxiety and heavy drinking. want that? i didn't think so. 

tell yourself to kiss your gf but imagine it's the last time you ever will. if you're gut tightens...there is you're answer.


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## hope4family

I'm for FamilyFirst09. If you think that something can be done to reconcile and you just aren't sure she is sincere then wait until you know for sure. 

For example, my ex knows EXACTLY what to do to reconcile. But she chooses not to. Makes it pretty simple doesn't it?


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## Isuck

naga75 said:


> i think if you want to take a risk, take it with the new GF. take it with someone who has not burned you.
> as far as the title of your thread:
> "she wants to come back now", all i can say is...
> of course she does.
> karma bus.


I hadn't thought of it that way. Excellent point. I have a woman who is making me super happy and I can see a future with her. She hasn't betrayed my trust and hasn't crushed my soul. I should be focusing on her and the kids and not even bothering with the other.


familyfirst09 said:


> How long have you had the new girlfriend? When did xw find out about the girlfriend?


I've been with her just shy of 3 months now. XW knew from the get go thanks to the kids telling her.


familyfirst09 said:


> I understand you're hurt but I would still take some real time to think about it. If she only wants back because of the gf then that will come out, she won't be able to hide that. But if she is truly sorry and remorseful then considering reconciliation with your wife that you have a history and a child with, may be an option. I'm just trying to give you a second view.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate it. I have 4 kids with her and have spent over half my life with her. That's why it hurt so much when she walked away. She still insists she did not cheat on me, but c'mon, people have told me she did and who moves a guy in that fast! (Not to mention kick him out a month later). It was the very guy I assumed she was having the affair with from BEFORE she ever left. She has not taken any ownership of anything and I can't stand the lies from her. She's very broken right now and she really needs to work on herself, then focus on her kids and not shoving a new roomate down their throat so fast.


Chuck71 said:


> naga is dead on....if she realizes she can cheat, bedhop and beg you back....it will be a cycle. how much remorse is she disclosing?


Very little if any. She just wants her bank machine, (me), back. I think she finally realized how good she had it. She didn't work for 3 years straight and I had to hire cleaners to come in once a week to make sure this place wasn't a pig sty! (Not saying that's a womans job, just saying she could have chipped in to keep it tidy).


Chuck71 said:


> odds are better if you try something with the gf. the gf has never cheated on you and she may never. she may be your 'once in a lifetime'. if you return to your ex....say hello to anxiety and heavy drinking. want that? i didn't think so.
> 
> tell yourself to kiss your gf but imagine it's the last time you ever will. if you're gut tightens...there is you're answer.


It absolutely tightens. I had the gut feeling of goodness from the get go with the GF. She's adjusting to me and my ex and my 4 kids like a champ. I do see a long term thing with her for sure. When I think of kissing my ex, I get disgusted. All I can picture is HIM kissing her or having relations with her. It makes me sick. I'm not sure I could ever get over that mental image.

That's the other thing, my stbx has never put any effort into our relationship. Now she's already pulled the "try for the kids" card and she's sounding kind of pathetic in her pity party. That's not attractive at all and reeks of desperation. I believe I'm making the right choice in going with my GF, but it's nice to talk it through with others too. (Besides my family who have bias opinions.) I also still have a good relationship with my in laws but I'm sure they're going to try to put pressure on me to take her back. That's going to strain things. Oh well, another "new" thing to deal with.


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## familyfirst09

3 months versus half a life time and 4 kids.....everyone makes mistakes, I don't know her and if she is just looking for a bank machine then good luck with the new gf, is there any way to know for sure? I think only time will tell.


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## Chuck71

I believe you are making the right choice too. Not working and having to hire cleaning people? That is pure laziness. When I was laid off, I picked up the house while she worked. Didn't bother me a bit. Oh...the in-laws.....where were they when you're heart was broken? $500 says I can answer that.....and if so.....you should place their value on comments right along side the cab driver in Vegas at 4am.


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## Isuck

Don't get me wrong, when she left, I tried hard to get her back. I changed everything about myself. I stopped being lazy, stopped being a jerk, stopped being a workaholic, stopped putting money before my family. I dropped over 100 lbs and am now in the best shape of my life mentally and physically. History is one thing, but our marriage sucked for a long time before she did this.

My dad cheated on my mom and they split when I was 11 years old. I remember my STBXW saying that "our split will not affect the kids if we're friends". That annoyed me. Split ups DO affect everyone, especially kids. She did not even cry when she gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you", spiel. (It's more like, I'm banging my trainer and I think the grass is greener over there).

I'm not insensitive, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I'm not going to let her have the chance to fool me twice. The day she breaks up with her BF she's wanting to come back? Yikes. So what if she came back, would she jump ship just as easily if not easier then last time she did it? That would always be on my mind too.

I've never got good advice from cabbies at 4 am in Vegas. I usually end up at a sub par strip club that they got paid to take me to! LOL


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## naga75

Thats exactly right. Now, in my situation there has been so much lying and deciet and hurt in my marriage, from both sides, my wife and i have decided to let it burn down and rebuild from the ashes of all that. 
That is not for everyone. I saw this picture that was of two old folks and it had a caption that a reporter had aske them how they had managed to stay married for like 60 years or something. And the quote was "we come from a time where if something was broken, we fixed it instead of throwing it away. "
Now, thats how i was raised. Not everyone was. But i will tell you this, had i not been such a fvck up and treated my wife so bad for so long, well i reckon i would have hit the bricks had she done this to me. Kids or not. We have one and another coming any day now. 
So i dont blame you at all. Or think you are wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

I think that's what makes me able to have a guilt free sleep at night. I tried my arse off to fix the broken thing. It was like talking to a wall. I was the opposite of no contact. I got zero repsonse and probably made it worse. I hit rock bottom when she left. I was literally in the hospital thinking I was about to have a heart attack. (I don't go there unless i'm very concerned). They ran an EKG on my heart and it was physically fine but emotionally I was a mess. I could barely tell the doctor what was wrong. I still have flashbacks of that night and how scared I was. I'm not a wuss or anything but having your life ripped out from under you is scary stuff. 

She had taken the kids and went to her parents which is 8 hours away. I didn't know if I'd see her or my kids again. It was awful.

She, on the other hand, was NEVER alone for all this. She had her BF coaching her and supporting her. I know some of the decisions made were all him and not her. I'm disappointed in her and not sure I'm ready to even consider getting over myself.


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## naga75

Well, i was certainly anxious through it all. But it was a more "you reap what you sow" kind of anxiety. 
But she never, neeeeeever would have spirited my daughter away. As a matter of fact, i told her on dday2 that i she had thoughts of doing that, she prolly oughta go ahead and figure out a way to kill me. Because, literally, that was the only way she was gonna take my daughter from me. I read an email between her and posom that detailed how he hoped that when we split (this was immediately after dday2 when i was like GTFO), about how she thought we could still be "friends". I was like um no that aint gonna happen. Civil, yes. Friends? Yer fvckin out of your mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Isuck said:


> Don't get me wrong, when she left, I tried hard to get her back. I changed everything about myself. I stopped being lazy, stopped being a jerk, stopped being a workaholic, stopped putting money before my family. I dropped over 100 lbs and am now in the best shape of my life mentally and physically. History is one thing, but our marriage sucked for a long time before she did this.


You were lazy, a jerk, a workaholic and way overweight when she left?

Can you give some examples of what sort fo things you did that you label it this way? 

What did you do that was so jerky?

How much time did you spend at work and how much time did you spend with her?


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## familyfirst09

You can't make proper decisions when you are still so angry. If you don't at least forgive her, you will never have another good relationship. 

And wow, congrats on the weight loss. I lost 70 lbs and my H left me, said he wished I never lost the wieght. (Another story for another day)

Regardless of what you tell your ex now, its completely up to her to make the positive changes in her life, for herself. If she does, then maybe you will see her in a different light down the road. Right now, I can see why you cannot see yourself reconciling with her. If you say no, and she doesn't commit to change, then your decision was right all along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nunya Biznas

keep your options open

let her either dig her hole deeper or prove her intentions are good

take it slow


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## RandomDude

Fk being your ex's rebound I say


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## Chuck71

if trust is gone......love is right behind it.......so what's in it for BS?


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## Isuck

EleGirl said:


> You were lazy, a jerk, a workaholic and way overweight when she left?
> 
> Can you give some examples of what sort fo things you did that you label it this way?
> 
> What did you do that was so jerky?
> 
> How much time did you spend at work and how much time did you spend with her?


Well I work at home and we had no boundaries. My office has no doors and is right on the main floor of the home. She thought that because I was on the computer, that meant I was available. Kids came in all day long, she wanted me to do things during the day and I never stopped it. I started staying up after the kids went to bed until 2 am to get work done in peace. Only problem then was I was too tired to get up in the morning with the kids, so she would let me sleep until 10 am or so. (That's me being lazy but I had a reason I thought).

I felt like I dismissed her thoughts and feelings too quickly too. When she went to lose weight, I didn't think it was a good idea because I had seen her do it a million times before and her "trainer/now ex BF" wanted like $1,000 for a 3 month program. I thought he was a scammer and had a bad feeling about him so I didn't really agree. I paid half and her parents paid the other half. That was jerky.

She would always bug me at work and I asked her if I could take the 4 kids to her job and put them outside her door for a day? Then I could tell the kids to play amongst themselves but if they needed mommy she was right there? She didn't like that but it's the same thing as my work.

I just put money ahead of everything. I thought that once money was not an issue, everything else would fall into place. I've since learned money does not matter. Love, family and friends do.



I do feel now that if she left so easily the first time, then kicked her BF to the curb so easily, how easy would it be for her to walk away from me again and crush me. I'm not going to give her that chance, it's not worth it to me.


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## Kaya62003

Isuck said:


> Well, August 1st, she left. Got a place on her own then January 1st, she moved in her boyfriend to live with her. I have accepted that we'll never be together, have moved on and have a wonderful girlfriend of my own who I care about very deeply now.
> 
> Anyhow, today my soon to be ex, texts me like crazy saying she wants to come home, has asked her boyfriend to get out and just wants her old life back with me.
> 
> Uh?
> 
> When she left, she left as a walk away wife. She was having an affair with the very guy she is now kicking out. She seems so lost and I cannot trust her anymore. We have kids together, but that's not a good enough reason to reconcile in my mind. Plus I can't really forgive her for what she's done in cheating on me. PLUS I really like my girlfriend, she's an upgrade in every way.
> 
> Any advice?


Wow! I can sympathize with you to a degree. My STBXH had/currently had an affair with his married coworker. DDAY was 12/8 and I have already filed for divorce. I cannot for the life of me, begin to understand why people have affairs, let alone try to come back after the devastation and destruction they have caused. 

With that said, is she remorseful or wanting to come back because posom didnt work out the way she planned? I wouldn't take her back. What happens the next time she is unhappy/bored with her life and decides to have another affair? I would truly think about your "value of life" if you are considering taking her back. If you are happy in your life now and have a partner worthy of your love and respect, don't go backwards. Obviously you know what's best for you...but trust & respect are the two main ingridents to a relationship. And it seems you don't have either with her. You seemed to have moved on and that's incredible seeing what you've been through. Good luck whatever route you take...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003

tacoma said:


> Tell the Ex she's **** out of luck.
> 
> Try not to have a **** eating grin on your face when you do it.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I'm curious... Have you talked about any of this with friends or family? Who do they think is a better choice for you?

C


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## MSC71

Her boy friend probably dumped her despite what she is saying you are the fall back if things did not work out between them. Silly how anyone thinks a relationship started by infidelity will ever work out.


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## Chuck71

Agree....it's one thing if the M is clearly over and there is no hope of R....just paperwork from the court. But to flank a female knowing the spouse wants to work things out....that just wreaks of bad outcomes.


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## zillard

I say play along for a little while. 

Tell her you are open to *considering* getting back together but only if she does X, Y, and Z first. 

See if she does. You may just get a confession that could help with closure. Then if you still feel the way you do, tell her no.


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## zillard

See how bad she wants it. That will give you a good indication of her intentions.


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## Quantmflux

This one, as OP describes it mind you, is a no brainer to me. And that is coming from someone who *did* reconcile with a FWS. The thing is, despite her bad behavior, she never fully gave up on *me*. Once things were out in the open she immediately went NC on her own and it was almost like a weight had been lifted. Those were tough, brutal, times and got ugly for a bit emotionally, but we came out stronger.

Now... If she had PACKED UP and MOVED IN with OM? Yeah no. Despite kids and history at that point I'd be done.

I vote move forward with your new girl. I'm a child of divorce too. It can suck, but you know how to make it work. A divorced set of parents is better than two who are toxic for each other


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## Isuck

Thanks for the input. New turn of events. This just confirms my gut feelings of NOT taking her back. Two days after texting me about wanting to come back, the kids stayed with her. In the morning she dropped them off so I could take them to school, (I do every school day drop off and pick up, that's another issue). Anyhow I asked my kids if they were ok. The oldest asked why I would ask her that? I said did mommy talk to you guys at all about what happened? She said yes, "Mommy said she asked him to move out but they're still together." "Mommy said she's just not ready to live with him." I was sadly NOT SHOCKED. She's a nutjob, (the STBXW), I bet they got into a big fight and either he left or she kicked him out. I have my theories:

1.) He got caught cheating on her, (he's a ********* and would totally do that).

2.) He realized she was nuts and left.

3.) She got caught cheating on him and he left.

I'll never know the truth, nor do I really care what the truth is. Her actions just confirm my initial gut reaction and reinforce that I'm making the right decision. 

I asked the STBXW if she could watch the kids on Valentines day as it's my day but was asking for a favor. She said yes immediately then 5 minutes later texts me back saying "Oh no I can't, HE has a surprise for me that day." OH REALLY? So some ********* that you JUST kicked out is taking priority over seeing your kids. She's so stupid and annoying. I can't stand her.

I really think she's crazy and that worries me a bit with the divorce and settlement pending. I know he was coaching her on how to seperate from me the WRONG way. I know his STBXW hates him and they fight all the time so he's been telling my STBXW what to do according to his ridiculous point of view.

I did tell my STBXW that I felt she could do better then him and should go sow her wild oats a bit. She didn't want to though. I then said maybe she should be alone for a while to figure out what makes her happy. She's gone through everything thing in her life that she thought MIGHT be making her unhappy and nothing has been the answer she's looking for.

I should post some of the texts she sent me. Very entertaining as she's bonkers!


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## zillard

Don't let her back man. 

The only thing that can make her happy is herself. Until that happens she'll be a miserable person and no good to be around.


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## Isuck

I agree. She really needs to figure herself out. She's a mess and I'm not attracted to her, don't respect her and do not trust her at all. That's 3 strikes!


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## Chuck71

It's one thing to marry and she LATER shows true colors but to re-enter the sh!tshow......no....not humanly possible. You would be begging to get stabbed in the back.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Your wife doesn't happen to be the woman that started a thread talking about how stupid she was for falling into the trap of an affair and not knowing how good she had it until the fog wore off? It was a very long thread. She only posted once. Just curious if you've seen it and if it sounded familiar.


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## Shaggy

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Your wife doesn't happen to be the woman that started a thread talking about how stupid she was for falling into the trap of an affair and not knowing how good she had it until the fog wore off? It was a very long thread. She only posted once. Just curious if you've seen it and if it sounded familiar.


No, that woman has remorse. His stbxw hasn't a drop of it.


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## Chuck71

High 5 Shaggy


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## Isuck

I doubt it, but do you have a link to that thread?


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## zillard

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html


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## Plan 9 from OS

Shaggy said:


> No, that woman has remorse. His stbxw hasn't a drop of it.


I get your point, but I'd also point out that someone can exhibit the appearance of remorse when everything is crashing down around his/her ears.


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## Isuck

Wow, that's not her but man that is almost identical to what she did to me too. I haven't had the "I'm sorry but no. I'm not going to take a chance on someone who betrayed me, I'll risk getting hurt with this new wonderful woman who has done nothing but put a smile on my face daily instead", conversation but I will the next time she wants to "come back".

What a ride. I kinda figured the lustre of the POSOM would fade and she'd emerge from her fog one day, but I wasn't willing to put myself through MORE stress while I sat there waiting with my thumb up my butt.


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## keko

I just realized I posted on your thread months ago, before she left telling you there was someone else. 

Well I'm happy you moved and seem to be doing better.


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## Conrad

keko said:


> I just realized I posted on your thread months ago, before she left telling you there was someone else.
> 
> Well I'm happy you moved and seem to be doing better.


How could you forget Isuck?


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## coachman

zillard said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html


First time seeing that post.

Wow.


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## Chuck71

i'm a tad skeptical......but maybe it is just me


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## MEM2020

*Re: Re: She Wants To Come Back Now*

Isuck, 
Please think about changing your screen name. You very clearly are a decent man. In fact I believe any man who calls himself lazy when he was working til two am in the morning is pretty hard on himself. 

As for the money. In a ltr money is very much like sex. When plentiful, it is ten percent of the marriage, when in chronically short supply it becomes 90 percent of the marriage. 

My only suggestion would be for you to make an effort to buffer your current GF from anxiety that you might go back to your ex. The best way to do that is to minimize the amount of time you bring your ex up. It might seem reassuring to bring her up and bash her. But it likely isn't. Because it means she is often on your mind. 

If your GF asks about your ex you can keep it short and sweet: I am grateful to her for leaving when she did as that is the reason you and I are together. 


UOTE=Isuck;1447638]Wow, that's not her but man that is almost identical to what she did to me too. I haven't had the "I'm sorry but no. I'm not going to take a chance on someone who betrayed me, I'll risk getting hurt with this new wonderful woman who has done nothing but put a smile on my face daily instead", conversation but I will the next time she wants to "come back".

What a ride. I kinda figured the lustre of the POSOM would fade and she'd emerge from her fog one day, but I wasn't willing to put myself through MORE stress while I sat there waiting with my thumb up my butt.[/QUOTE]


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## keko

Conrad said:


> How could you forget Isuck?


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## Polyman

Curious to know how old us she again? Look up these 2 books for you and herself to read: living in Limbo and the other is called "Marriage Infidelity", I think. Might explain a lot about her current psyche. Let me know what you find or gather from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

Well I'm not perfect, but the screen name is just how I felt at the time when I signed up and vented here the first time. I'm very happy to have ended up where I am now considering where I was at when this all first went down. I do feel that I did suck though. I felt horrible for what I did and she was playing the victim card hard core on me. (I actually believed it was all my fault at the time.) I now know it was partially my fault and partially hers, she has never accepted her role in this or taken any ownership of anything to do with our split up. 

I think the advice on not bringing her up to my GF is excellent advice. I'm going to do that. I've found myself spending way too much time and energy arguing with my STBXW. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to put that time and energy into my GF instead who I'm very thankful for and really do like a lot. 

I hope I don't get burned on this relationship but I'm taking everything I learned from all my past mistakes and trying to correct them with the new relationship. I'm not 100% there yet. Just the other day I was dragging my feet on something and found that is exactly what I did before too. Even if I don't want to do something or don't feel like it, it's more then just me involved and sometimes you have to do things you don't feel like to keep the other person happy. It's a give and take and I think I took too much in the past.


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## Chuck71

Try not to dwell on the past. All breakdowns are two way streets. Give this new gal a chance. Maybe five years down the road you and your ex/W can reconnect. From what you have said....now would not be a good time to.


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## MEM2020

To: I used to suck but don't anymore
From: a supporter

Huge props for:
- dropping 7 stone
- finding a partner who loves you and treats you well
- recognizing the benefit in sometimes doing it for your partner (whatever 'it' is)

The beauty of physical separation is that it enables you to end negative, draining conversations quickly. You can always disengage gently with: I am sorry you are not happy with the way things turned out. As the mother of my kids, I hope you find your way forward to a good place. 

Let her respond briefly and then:
I really need to go, goodbye now




QUOTE=Isuck;1451275]Well I'm not perfect, but the screen name is just how I felt at the time when I signed up and vented here the first time. I'm very happy to have ended up where I am now considering where I was at when this all first went down. I do feel that I did suck though. I felt horrible for what I did and she was playing the victim card hard core on me. (I actually believed it was all my fault at the time.) I now know it was partially my fault and partially hers, she has never accepted her role in this or taken any ownership of anything to do with our split up. 

I think the advice on not bringing her up to my GF is excellent advice. I'm going to do that. I've found myself spending way too much time and energy arguing with my STBXW. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to put that time and energy into my GF instead who I'm very thankful for and really do like a lot. 

I hope I don't get burned on this relationship but I'm taking everything I learned from all my past mistakes and trying to correct them with the new relationship. I'm not 100% there yet. Just the other day I was dragging my feet on something and found that is exactly what I did before too. Even if I don't want to do something or don't feel like it, it's more then just me involved and sometimes you have to do things you don't feel like to keep the other person happy. It's a give and take and I think I took too much in the past.

[/QUOTE]


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## familyfirst09

coachman said:


> First time seeing that post.
> 
> Wow.


It certainly struck a nerve with me...for my own self...and I'm sure many others on here as well. I wonder why she never posted again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

Thanks for all the input, I really appreciate it. I did have the "it's over" talk with the STBXW. I was short and brief. I just told her that we will never be together again because that is not a possibility anymore. I told her she did the one thing I cannot forgive. (Cheating on me.) 

Today she tried to start a fight with me over the kids but I wouldn't take the bait. Even threw a couple really low blows at me about "not wanting to spend time with my kids". (Complete b.s. btw). I have them more then her and I think that really bothers her. But she called me my dad's name in a text. My dad abandoned me when I was 11 when he split from my mom. He didn't even say goodbye or anything, just left. I saw him about 4 or 5 times over the years until he passed away when I was 29. I never got any closure with him and he was a bad dad. Very low blow by her imho.

I think she's very messed up and now I'm trying to get over my hatred of the OM who was there the whole time assisting her in breaking up our marriage. He lives there again and I cannot stand the guy. I have zero respect for any "man", (I use that term loosely), who would pursue a known married woman. I cannot stand him and my plan is to go completely silent if and when I ever come into contact with him. I will look him in the eye and not say a word. I think silence is sometimes best.

But I'm a little worried that my anger towards him will result in physical violence though at him. I really want to break his face open, just because I think he's lower then scum. But I think time will heal that. I also know that they won't be together much longer as she's already kicked him out after living together for 30 days, (then moving him back in 14 days after that). I think I'll be much better with her new BF when and if she gets one and this OM is out of the picture for good.

I think it's just the male pride side of me coming out. I really don't care about her anymore, but he just irks me. Oh well, that's life and just another thing to deal with. I'll make sure I keep my distance, but now I refuse to go to her door to pick up or drop off the kids. I can't risk seeing that guy in person. It would anger me too much.

Is that stupid or what?


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## Chuck71

She'd love to see you and him fight over her
shes not worth it
neither is he
btw-your W/ex is a kunt for calling you by dads name
tell her i said that
pm me for address / phone number if she is upset 8>)


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## zillard

It's not stupid. The anger is natural. At least you are aware of it and it's intensity. Removing yourself from the front door until you can come to terms with your anger is good move.


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## staystrong

OP,

My case is different than yours but I finally let my anger out towards OM. I let myself in to our old apartment on the night of Valentine's Day and broke up their celebration. Smashed the flowers and candles, then proceeded to pummel OM a few times. I left before the police came, and fortunately neither the STBXW or OM pressed charges. So I got a free pass. 

Obviously it's a big risk to engage someone physically, but I can tell you it did feel really good to let that weasel have it. I let out a lot of steam that night. Instant therapy and I like the fact that whenever he seems me now he knows I humiliated him a bit in front of STBXW. I'm not usually a violent guy, but I needed some justice and I got it.


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## naga75

Isuck, no its not stupid. Its smart, actually. 
I avoid going anywhere i might see OM if at all possible because the thought of doing him bodily harm GREATLY appeals to me. 
Not worth it. He isnt worth any more of your time. Thats what i tell myself and i will not allow him to direct my actions. So look at it that way. 
I like to tell myself that i hold myself to higher standards, and i do. 
That said, he KNOWS, in no uncertain terms, that if he crosses me again not only will i wreck his life, i will wreck his face. 
My granpa told me once, "dont worry about the guy standing across the room telling you what he will do to you. Worry about the guy standing in your face telling you he is gonna fvck you up."
Thats the way i handled it. Catching a felony assault charge isnt worth the sense of gratification. 
Staystrong got lucky, i know i wouldnt because OM an his wife (lol) have made it clear the WILL press charges on me if any harm comes to him. 
What a puss. 
Oh well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

I do not accept that violence is Ok in this situation, especially if children are involved. But, I do understand the desire to. I do not particularly shame those who in the heat of the moment struck out in anger. 

I guess the large part of the reason is. You do not know what kind of personality you REALLY have in this situation until you are there going through it. 

One thing I will mention. Was how shocking it was how many offers I had from friends and people I barely even knew who said they would be willing to go to prison on my behalf if I just gave them an address.


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## keko

Post the OM on cheaterville. If you know where he works, send his supervisor, manager and everyone above him a letter stating how he ruined your marriage. Although we all would love to see you beat him up, at this age it's not practical. Hit him where it hurts the most, make sure he loses his job and his names is on the internet as a scum. 

You ex-wife's despair is funny and sad at the same time. She made her bed, now she can sleep in it. But the best thing you can do is ignore her fishing attempts and be the best dad you can for your kids.


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## RandomDude

So, she cheated, ran off with OM, didn't work out, she wants you back. After you tell her it's over, she b-tches at you. Ha!

Good thing you stood strong mate


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## Conrad

Isuck said:


> Even if I don't want to do something or don't feel like it, it's more then just me involved and sometimes you have to do things you don't feel like to keep the other person happy. It's a give and take and I think I took too much in the past.


Watch out, or you'll end up in a codependents anonymous meeting.

I want you to be happy - not find you back here in a few years.


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## Chuck71

amen Conrad


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## familyfirst09

So after you told her no, she went back to OM and he's living with her again???
That's not remorse, that's stupidity. I was trying to see her POV because I have somewhat been there. But she obviously is not sorry for her actions and that is truly sad. She will be miserable. Take care of your kids, and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck

Wow, I think you did get lucky that they didn't press charges, but I could totally see how that would be instant therapy for you! I'm not going to do anything to this guy, I just want to. Cheaterville is one funny site. I never knew that existed.



She never ceases to amaze me with her stupidity though. I don't know who this stranger is anymore. It's so bizarre, like my stbxw is dead and this new person has taken over her body.


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## familyfirst09

Is cheaterville only for the united states??

And yes, she is not the woman you married. She's in a fog, a haze, a mid life crisis or is a narccist (however you spell that). But she's not the same woman. Hopefully she will come to her senses and she will be again, at least for her children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75

And yeah dont let that "i took too much then so now i give too much" mentality in. 
My wife took me feeling that way and used it to walk all over me roughshod for two years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71

Sometimes it's a cleaver thing to act as if you are drawn
the key word is "act"
springing the trap and the look on their face
priceless


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## Isuck

She now says, "I wish I never told you that I wanted to come back". What a nutjob. I know she still wants to but she's hurt because I rejected her. I told her that the marriage failing was BOTH of our faults, not just mine and she has not owned up to anything as far as that goes. I said that we both failed, but the difference is I tried hard to get you back, I changed and proved I was serious about making our marriage work, she didn't. I told her I can sleep at night because I gave it my best shot and that's all I could do. Any attempt I made or action I took was met with a stone wall or no response or I was told to "move on". She was an emotionless robot through this whole thing UNTIL she wanted to come back, then she got very emotional. She has shown zero remorse and apologized but I don't think she meant it at all. 

She needs help and I'm starting to worry about my kids when they're with her. I don't like them being around the OM and my one kid has said she always fights with the OM's kid. There's 6 kids in that house and merging two families like that has got to be tough. My stbxw always made me be the bad guy in disciplining the kids, I think now her and her BF take the "best buddy" route in child raising so it's "anything goes" over there with the kids. That is annoying, but I can't control that so I guess i don't worry about it.

I think she really expected me to drop everything and welcome her back with open arms? I am starting to just feel sorry for her, but only because she's never going to be happy and has to live with running away from a family and life that she really did like even if she says she was not happy. I think she was not happy with herself but blamed everyone but herself for that. 

Anyhow, life goes on.


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## StargateFan

Good to hear you are remaining strong. You have a healthy outlook. Don't f it up with the new GF, just take it SLOW. Especially with the kids. They are really not interested in having a new Mom as much as you might think it would be good for them. If and when she moves in get some family coaching. 

Make sure your kids get IC. I went through two divorces at 7 and 13. Did not get it until it was to late to do much good. Damage was done and couldn't focus. High school was a total waste. Had the worst attendance record of the senior class.


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## Isuck

Yes excellent advice. I went through a divorce when I was 11. I was a straight A student up until then. Once they got divorced, I took the opinion that there were more important things then school and school didn't really matter since my parents were divorced and my life sucked. I am getting them counseling.

One thing that really really annoyed me was when my stbxw said "this won't affect the kids as long as we're still friends". WTF? It DOES affect the kids. I know that and she even went so far as to say "your experience doesn't count". Complete nutjob. I have said to the kids that nobody will ever replace their mother and that nobody will ever replace me as their daddy. You get one mom and one dad. We will never "divorce" you. I said that anyone who comes into my life or their mothers is not a replacement.

It's a tough situation but I'm trying to keep it open and honest with them as that was not done with me when I was a kid.


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## StargateFan

And now she wants back in "for the kids". WTF


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## Isuck

StargateFan said:


> And now she wants back in "for the kids". WTF


She did use that one too! She said, "we should try for the kids at least." 

REALLY?!?!?!

When I wanted to TRY there was nothing, but now we should do it for the KIDS? She wasn't thinking about them when she left so why throw that in my face now. She's a dirty fighter though, I've come to expect crazy things from her.


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## Conrad

Isuck said:


> She did use that one too! She said, "we should try for the kids at least."
> 
> REALLY?!?!?!
> 
> When I wanted to TRY there was nothing, but now we should do it for the KIDS? She wasn't thinking about them when she left so why throw that in my face now. She's a dirty fighter though, I've come to expect crazy things from her.


Well, it's her idea now, so it's ok.


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## hope4family

I remember when my s2bx said we should try for the kid. Said it as she cuddled up to me with tears in her eyes. 

At this point I was into the 180 phase and said. "No."

To be honest, if she said she wanted to try "for us" or "for my hubby". Then I would have felt so much better. But no, I didn't deserve that apparently.


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## Isuck

You hit the nail on the head.

IF she had said, I want to try for us to be happy again or for ME to have my wife back and her her husband it would have been better then "for the kids". I did take it as if I'm STILL not worth it in her opinion and she just wanted her bank machine back in her old life.


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## Chuck71

And you once entertained the thought of maybe....getting back with her. Funny how true colors come out with the wash. She is in it for 'what is best for her'. You already know she cares more about herself than you but it may be the case she cares more about herself than the children's well-being. In that case.....let her go....run....leave skid marks.


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## staystrong

They all say a lot of crazy things.

Personally, I would not reject someone if they say they want to "try for the kids" because I view that as a stepping stone to real reconciliation. I may be in the minority here, but if you believe in her and you believe in yourself and you have a real vision to rekindle the love between the two of you, then it's something to consider. This is not a game, right? It's something really serious for you and your family. I'm not saying to throw away self-respect, I'm just saying maybe your wife needs help and is looking for someone to lead her.


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## naga75

staystrong said:


> They all say a lot of crazy things.
> 
> Personally, I would not reject someone if they say they want to "try for the kids" because I view that as a stepping stone to real reconciliation. I may be in the minority here, but if you believe in her and you believe in yourself and you have a real vision to rekindle the love between the two of you, then it's something to consider. This is not a game, right? It's something really serious for you and your family. I'm not saying to throw away self-respect, I'm just saying maybe your wife needs help and is looking for someone to lead her.


I think this the case in my situation. That coupled with the fact that my wife (and myself) want to rebuild our marriage and really try or one another. 
But i dont think doing it just for the children is a good reason by itself. But it is certainly a big part of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

staystrong said:


> They all say a lot of crazy things.
> 
> Personally, I would not reject someone if they say they want to "try for the kids" because I view that as a stepping stone to real reconciliation. I may be in the minority here, but if you believe in her and you believe in yourself and you have a real vision to rekindle the love between the two of you, then it's something to consider. This is not a game, right? It's something really serious for you and your family. I'm not saying to throw away self-respect, I'm just saying maybe your wife needs help and is looking for someone to lead her.


Agreed. I also when trying to reconcile with my H, said "for our D" but not just for D. But its definitely a substantial reason to try. 

However, when ISuck's wife asked for R, even for the kids, and he said no, she went back to posom. So even she was not asking for the right reasons. If she was sincere she would be working on herself right now, regardless of whether he goes back to her. 

Never say never...you are still posting here for a reason....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

This story sounds so much like the depression usually called a mid life crisis. Although it usually hits in the 40's, it can happen any age...its depression. Something triggers it and the damage can effect so many.

It's a mental illness plain and simple. Society treats mental illnesses differently than physical illnesses and not in a good way. When someone swears at you over and over because of tourettes syndrome, there is a glitch involved. A MLC is a mental glitch that usually clears with time.

Those who can see past the fact that the ill person will do things that hurt us, can save the marriage when the fog lifts, but it takes a strong willed, pro-marriage person who can learn to forgive.

Problem is by the time the spouse figures out its a MLC, the damage can be too much to mitigate.

You said some keys things that I read as someone in the fog.

Divorce Remedy is a good read for those who can see past the pain.


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## hope4family

The thing is, I had always been clear on my belief that people should never stay together "for the kids." Period, no exceptions. I can understand how some see it as a stepping stone. Honestly, that MIGHT have worked with my s2bxw. But by that point, the damage was already done. It was already the ILWYBNILWY speech. The i'm leaving you so deal with it, the secrets, the leaving the house late and not coming back until morning (think 7am), all of it. 

I couldn't trust her anymore. According to her she had already tried the "making it work route" simply by marrying me. I wasn't willing to stay last on her priority list on the false hope of staying together for the kids. She wanted to be in control, she was happy to be in control. She said it all herself.


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## Isuck

hope4family it sounds like we had the same experience. I'm not a priority to her anymore, not even close. Her priorities are as follows:

1.) Her
2.) Her
3.) Her
4.) Her
5.) The kids
6.) Her favorite pair of shoes
7.) Her mom and dad
8.) A piece of lint
9.) Her BF
10.) Food
1,000,000,000.) Me

So why am I posting here? Good question. Someone mentioned I'm posting here for a reason. Yes I am. I like to talk things out now. I don't want to have this conversation with my GF because I know it stresses her out. It's not fair to her to discuss my STBXW much. I told her that I need to focus my time and energy on my new life and her and the kids, not someone who is not a part of my life anymore. So I think I post here because it feels good to get things off my chest.

I was a bottler before and that didn't really work out too well. Now I don't want to bottle things up anymore. SO I guess it's just like my therapy. You guys listening and chiming in is just a bonus to me.


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## keko

Look on the bright side, at least you're not #1,000,000,001.


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## Chuck71

ISuck-I'm glad you posted here because it helps others who consider a R. They can view it in any way they choose. In your case, an attempted false R may help someone see through the smoke n mirrors. Good bet your story will aid others either now or down the road. Excellent!!


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## hope4family

This is me said:


> This story sounds so much like the depression usually called a mid life crisis. Although it usually hits in the 40's, it can happen any age...its depression. Something triggers it and the damage can effect so many.
> 
> It's a mental illness plain and simple. Society treats mental illnesses differently than physical illnesses and not in a good way. When someone swears at you over and over because of tourettes syndrome, there is a glitch involved. A MLC is a mental glitch that usually clears with time.
> 
> Those who can see past the fact that the ill person will do things that hurt us, can save the marriage when the fog lifts, but it takes a strong willed, pro-marriage person who can learn to forgive.
> 
> Problem is by the time the spouse figures out its a MLC, the damage can be too much to mitigate.
> 
> You said some keys things that I read as someone in the fog.
> 
> Divorce Remedy is a good read for those who can see past the pain.


While I don't disagree with what you are saying. A MLC should not necessarily be a label we throw out there as easy as you suggest IMO. 

Is MLC supposed to give you a free pass at morality issues? MMM slippery slope. While one may not be responsible for mood swings, absence of morality is a gigantic issue.


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## familyfirst09

Isuck said:


> hope4family it sounds like we had the same experience. I'm not a priority to her anymore, not even close. Her priorities are as follows:
> 
> 1.) Her
> 2.) Her
> 3.) Her
> 4.) Her
> 5.) The kids
> 6.) Her favorite pair of shoes
> 7.) Her mom and dad
> 8.) A piece of lint
> 9.) Her BF
> 10.) Food
> 1,000,000,000.) Me
> 
> So why am I posting here? Good question. Someone mentioned I'm posting here for a reason. Yes I am. I like to talk things out now. I don't want to have this conversation with my GF because I know it stresses her out. It's not fair to her to discuss my STBXW much. I told her that I need to focus my time and energy on my new life and her and the kids, not someone who is not a part of my life anymore. So I think I post here because it feels good to get things off my chest.
> 
> I was a bottler before and that didn't really work out too well. Now I don't want to bottle things up anymore. SO I guess it's just like my therapy. You guys listening and chiming in is just a bonus to me.


This is definitely a place to vent, and sort out your thoughts. I always say never say never because you really don't know what the future will bring. But at this time, it seems you are making the right decision. She is not remorseful at all and is still in her fog, or is just plain selfish as you think. Hopefully she will fix herself in the future, at least for her kids sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

Isuck

*Find a way to get over your haltered for the OM. Also get help with your residual feeling for your wife.* You are not completely over your wife. Having absolutely no contact with your wife unless it is absolutely necessary can be one good way to help you.

The chances of your wife and the OM having a good long term relationship are slim to none. Frankly I think that slim left the building. I am sure there is going to be some fireworks at their home in the next several months. Look for opportunities to verify that you are the better parent for the children. This will be useful in a custody court. You have the best financial means to support the children, you did not abandon the marriage or the children, and some judges don’t care much for people who betray their marriage and children. Find a way to get that known to the judge. I know that adultery is not supposed to play into the law anymore but some judges have a point of view about cheaters.


*Isuck, the best way to get a new and happier life is for you to improve yourself in body, mind, and spirit*. In short, work on you and that includes forgiveness. Forgiveness is for YOU and your children. Forgiveness does not include you saying what she did is just one of those things in life, that you should not be hurt, or that you run around trying to eliminate all the consequences she will have to face for her s decisions. Find out what true forgiveness means, without a real study and perhaps a professional helping, I think that most people have a damaging definition of forgiveness.

You keep improving yourself, do forgiveness the right way, and your life will be a LOT better for you. As soon as you can put your focus on you and your children and work on substantially reducing your feeling for your wife and the OM. Let life take care of the justice for two betrayers. Life can do a lot better job than you can and you do not have to be occupied with their consequences. You work on getting better and let life deal with the two people that a have degraded their integrity.* Focus on you and the children not those two!*

Blunt


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## Isuck

Excellent advice Mr Blunt. I agree. I'm at that stage where I think I want to forgive everything but that doesn't mean forgive and take her back to me. You're right in that it's forgiving her for my own well being. I have to put it behind me and move on and my hatred of this OM is strong right now but I think it will go away over time.

I'm not at the forgiveness stage yet with her though. I do think I'm over her and have been working on myself physically and mentally big time in the past 6 months. I've lost 100 lbs, am in the best physical shape of my life and am way more open with my feelings with people. My biggest concern is my kids right now and making sure they get through this situation without permanent scars.

Last night my oldest daughter said she wakes up at night sometimes and forgets which house she's in because she said she's being bounced around so much. That concerns me. I want to do a more stable arrangement with custody where it's a week here, week there, but my stbxw can't do that. I handle the kid duties every school day, lunches, drop offs, pick ups and she works at a regular job. I'm doing this because I want to more then anything but at the same time I'm a bit annoyed that she feels she has them more then me?!?

It's the crazy fog she lives in but man it's hard to bite my tongue with her sometimes.


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## StargateFan

The bouncing around aspect of custody/visitation arrangements is difficult. I spend weekends at moms place and it did have an impact on socialization. Was not around to play with my friends on the weekend and thus was a bit of an outsider and made Saturday sports games difficult. Sleepovers with friends were not frequent. 

The week on week off idea has both merits and drawbacks. It could see that being more of a problem in that the child has two homes and never feels grounded in one. All thier stuff is split between two houses. What works best for your family is what counts. 

I have heard of arrangements where the kids stay put and the parents switch. The circumstances of that working out I would think are rare though. 

Good luck and stay strong.


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## Isuck

When she was telling me she was going to leave I suggested that we do the thing where we get an apartment, I go there while she stays here then we alternate back and forth. I was stonewalled on that one. Not an option. She couldn't stand to sleep in the same bed as me at the end so sharing a home and an apartment were absolutely out of the question. 

I've never been through the two home thing when my parents split. I was with my mom 100% and my dad just abandoned me and my sister so I don't have any personal experience with that part.


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## StargateFan

I could see the apartment thing being a big problem with the OM. You sure as hell wouldn't want him sleeping in your house and your bed. You wouldn't really want to sleep in the same bed he was sharing with your wife. Not really practical in most circumstances. 

My other suggestion is to make sure you and your wife diectly make all the logistics decisions. Do not put the kids in the middle of it. No, "Go call your Mother to pick you up". My parents did that and there were always problems. Just not fair to the children. Of course it takes both of you to be on the same page. 

The other thing I see a lot is the parent staying in the car when transporting. I know you don't really want to see each other, but it is important for the children to see some civility and just to help them lug their stuff. They notice that stuff and it makes the transition less stressful for them and eventually you. It also provides needed communication about the children (health, moods, problems, disciplinary issues, etc)

You also both need to prepare for day that the children just don't want to take part in the bouncing around. For me it was at 15. Just got tired of it and didn't really like my stepfather.


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## whitehawk

So SGfan , is there any one better combo for the kids that you could suggest.
We separated 4mths ago , my daughters 11 and she mostly comes home to me on the wkends and 50/50 holidays.
Through the wk l usually drop in over there and we either take off somewhere or l hang out there with her for awhile.
It hasn't been long though , l so hate this for her and just the last mth or so she's had a lot of anxiety trying to stay wk/ends here now and cried a bit . She's beginning to miss her mum because she's with her most of the time now and l'm scared she won't be able to sleep over here at all before much longer. 
She's usually good as gold if she does stay through it , by the next day or so and then she doesn't wanna go back there. But it's so hard to know what's best yet and how to help her and handle it all .
lf she's had a big wk or she's a bit tired l'll visit her instead of her sleeping over.
My place was our family home too , her mums new place is really cute and homely but it is just the new rental my wife got when we split.
So this one has all the family memories and is different now. Also her old bedroom and all. it's hard to for me to be here now so l hate to think for her and l don't know what to do about any of that either.
She's always had trouble even sleeping over at friends places and we've usually had to pick her up.
So her friends have always stayed over with her instead and they often sleepover here now too when she's here.

l hate her having to live like this 
But is there any combo you think is best !
l mean W and me are also both cool with 50/50 or anything else but l can't even see right now how a kid could cope with 50/50 2 house living , this is hard enough


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## This is me

hope4family said:


> While I don't disagree with what you are saying. A MLC should not necessarily be a label we throw out there as easy as you suggest IMO.
> 
> Is MLC supposed to give you a free pass at morality issues? MMM slippery slope. While one may not be responsible for mood swings, absence of morality is a gigantic issue.


There are red flags in this story that point to depression which makes people do crazy things. No free passes given, but how we deal with it, is the same we should deal with the person swearing out loud from tourettes syndrome. 

They are simply lost souls needing guidance through the fog. For those who want to save their once loving marriage, there is a better chance if it is dealt with from a POV of the bigger person and rather than from dealing with them at their confused level.

Been through it and saved mine. IMHO.


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## This is me

This thread really should be moved to one of the many other places better suited.

This is:

Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.


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## LongWalk

Isuck,

Good job. You don't suck anymore.

Feel sorry for your kids.

POSOM got a thousand bucks to groom your wife for a spot in his bed. They probably touched inappropriately in the gym early on. I am sure he told her "It's all in your head" a hundred times as he pushed her into being his gym rat concubine. Unfortunately, he only worked on making her body attractive and forgot about the mind part.


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