# Am I controlling or is my wife just stubborn?



## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a good weekend. I was having a decent one until my wife decided to up and leave around 9:30 last night. She initially said she was going to go get cat food and trash bags, then she texted me and said she thought I was the reason for her anxiety. Frustrated, I snapped back that maybe she should leave if I was such a problem. Before I go further, here is some background information:

We have been married 4 years, and been together about 5. I am a former Marine, and I have been separated from the service for almost a year. Last year, my wife had an emotional affair with a man from xbox live. She plays xbox pretty regularly, and in fact, her usage of the thing after her emotional fling plays a big part in my insecurity. During that emotional affair last year, she told me that this other man (I use the term very loosely; he was a drug dealer who couldn't stay off pills), was her soul mate. She asked me to leave so she could bring him into our home to "see how things played out". During this time, we had sex, or attempted to, once. That one time, she told me it didn't mean anything and was just sex. Of course, after the whole ordeal, I was completely devastated. I was ready for a divorce, and I told her that. She spontaneously said she wanted to work things out, and said her and the other man were just going to be friends. Of course, I was NOT okay with this, and it took me 1-2 months of being up her ass about her relationship with him (I found some incriminating messages between him and her on her phone), she stopped talking to him. Well, after that ordeal, I was not pleased that she still constantly made guy friends on xbox and continued to behave in pretty much the same manner that she did before, which led to the emotional affair. Of course, I was insecure, so I was engaging in checking her email, texts, xbox friends and messages, etc (her main mode of contact was through an app called text+), and she was none too happy. This went on, with her complaining about me being super controlling, but mind you, beforehand, she was going out very regularly with some questionable people (one was cheating on her husband with one man, and another with multiple), to bars and the like, and sometimes would not come back until 5am. We have a 3 year old now, who was just over a year back when she was doing this, and I was none too happy about the behavior, because she was always hung over, and we never did anything together. Everytime she went out, she came back with a new guy's phone number, and it pissed me off to no end. I confronted her about this several times, and she insisted they were just friends. Fast forward to yesterday. After spending all day upstairs sleeping/playing xbox, she came downstairs around 9:30, dressed, and said she was going to the store to get cat food and trash bags. She then texted me that I was probably the reason for her anxiety. Her anxiety began last year, shortly after her emotional affair, and it was completely unrelated to me(or so I think) because she was at the bar with a friend, and she just suddenly couldn't be around the crowd of people. It is now Monday Morning, and she is still not back. I told her how I felt, and how I thought it was wrong that she gave more attention to all these other men from xbox than to me (I play soccer, and through 2 seasons this year, she's only come to one of my games), and that if she didn't do that, I wouldn't be up her ass about **** like I am. What I want to know is, am I being controlling or is my wife just playing me? Do my boundaries sound unreasonable? I don't like the fact that she has so many male friends, regardless of where they are. I don't like when she goes out by herself and doesn't come home until after 1am. I don't like the fact she constantly texts and calls other guys she meets online, and I am frankly at my wit's end. Please advise.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Um no, you're not controlling. Your wife's conduct is nothing short of appalling!!! Omg!!!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well its obviously not good that she is seeking out other men for online chatting. And having a questionable circle of friends is not good either.

But you being in the service, are there long periods where you are away and she needs some human contact? maybe she is just making poor choices without any questionable intent. Maybe she needs help finding a better outlet...like maybe joining church groups, volunteering for some charity work? or maybe something more mainstream like just joining a zumba fitness group.

and maybe she does perceive the way you two communicate as you trying to control her. For instance, you keep checking her emails and computer activity, but does she have access to all your passwords too? She may need to feel there is a two-way street, instead of everything being your way only.

Who is taking care of the three year old when she is gone?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't take this the wrong way but I think that yes, you are controlling. It's understandable, but it is what it is. She is constantly stepping over your boundaries and not only that, stamping them into the ground on the way out. To combat this you are trying to control her. This isn't working for you. You can see it's not working yet you are caught up in this pattern, you don't know what else you can do.

I'm not an expert in enforcing boundaries etc. There are some people here who are much more knowledgeable in this area. One thing I do see here is that you've stated your boundaries, but she sees no consequences in ignoring them. Instead of you having to tell her again and again what you don't want her doing, hence being 'controlling', there should be clear action and consequence. Think about when your child throws a toy at the dog. Do you whinge at her, "I don't like that, stop behaving that way, be nice to the dog", child continues to throw toys, you say it again and again, child ignores you because she's having fun. At some point do you step it up and say, "if you do it again, you are getting time out". Yes, there has to be a point where boundaries are enforced.

She can choose to go out drinking with her buddies and getting phone numbers, but what will be the consequence? Coming home to a sullen, pouting husband? How about coming home to changed locks... (that's just an example, not saying go change the locks)

Edited to add: It would seem that enforcing boundaries would be more controlling than what you are doing. I see the difference as this:

Your way: Trying to stop her from going out in the first place.

Enforcing boundary way: Letting her know what you expect and what will happen if she chooses to go out. Letting her make the choice. Following through on consequence.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, you might be ex military, but you need to "man up" if you want to be in a relationship with a woman. No offence intended. But read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". They're not just about sex. They're about making yourself a man who your wife will respect, which has the added benefit of being someone she might want to have sex with. 

And this wife may not (should not?) be the wife you focus on ending up with. She may call it controlling, but we all need to determine our boundaries that we need and are willing to enforce. You can't force her to accept your boundaries, and that's not what this is about. If she can't accept them, then she's welcome to pursue other opportunities (which she's apparently quite adept at doing). If she wants to do that, then let her go.

C


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Breeze nailed it. And I know exactly how you feel because I've been there and done that (and still have the tendency to do the same).

You are trying to enforce your boundaries through control. So yes, you are being very controlling. You are trying to control what your wife does and where she goes and who she talks to, because you do not like her doing the things she is doing.

What she is doing is wrong, the boundary is justifiable. But your method of dealing with it is wrong. You can not control another person. You can not STOP her from violating your boundaries. You need to effectively communicate your boundaries, and let her decision making determine whether or not she will violate them. And then you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that, ie kicking her out of the house.

You have a Grade A cake eater on your hands, she's probably having sex with all kinds of men, and even flaunting it in your face (move out so she can test drive some other dude in your house??). Not sure why you would want to keep a woman like that in your life. What would your marine buddies say to you if they knew your woman was playing you like a chump?

Your wife does not bathe in holy water and she doesn't have a magical vagina, she sounds like trailer trash.


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## jessie5 (Jul 18, 2014)

I cannot believe the answers you are getting...you are Controlling Absolutely not..

Did your wife forget she is married, with a child ..Married women are not suppose to act like this, out all night, talking on line to guys...i really think she is having more then a emotional affair,you have a right to be very concerned and upset, she has no respect for you at all.

She needs to get rid of the other so called men friends, they are taking your place emotional and she needs to act like a mother and wife, not a single women looking for men for a good time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tell us what you are getting out of this marriage?

Tell us why you think this is a marriage? 

Tell us why you would allow this type of treatment even for one day?

Her anxiety is all about you stopping her from getting her single life, party girl fix. Is she getting high too? 


Its time for you to take control of your life and that of your family. 

Its time for you to stand up and become the leader of this ship, as its clearly evident your wife doesn't have what it takes to make those decisions for you and yours. 

Download the books PBear suggested and read them today!!!
You'll need them.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

COguy said:


> Breeze nailed it. And I know exactly how you feel because I've been there and done that (and still have the tendency to do the same).
> 
> You are trying to enforce your boundaries through control. So yes, you are being very controlling. You are trying to control what your wife does and where she goes and who she talks to, because you do not like her doing the things she is doing.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insight gents. I will admit that my behavior is unbecoming of America's finest, and I have tried multiple approaches to this. The emotional affair thing she said meant nothing to her, so she sees it as insignificant in my argument of why I set boundaries, and she also sees nothing wrong with having male friends(most of whom I wouldn't know had they not introduced themselves to me and showed they were just friends). In response to the question about passwords: We used to have access to each others accounts and whatnot, but she suddenly decided she wanted privacy. I'm honestly fed up. I have a 3 year old with her, and she is still not back from wherever she went, so I'm late for work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're making her anxious? Pssh... please. Actually, you know what, she's probably correct -- she's "anxious" that a) at some point, you'll work up the nerve to call her on her bullsh*t and tell her to GTFO and b) she might not have someone who isn't a complete d**chebag loser lined up at that time.

Do yourself a favor (actually, a few of them)...

1. Tell your wife not to bother coming home. Where did she go, by the way?
2. DNA your kid.
3. Once the results from the test come back, have your wife served w/ divorce papers. Cite infidelity as the cause. Additionally, if your kid isn't yours, bundle paternity fraud into your list of claims.

Also, what was your MOS as a Marine? Just curious.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You're making her anxious? Pssh... please. Actually, you know what, she's probably correct -- she's "anxious" that a) at some point, you'll work up the nerve to call her on her bullsh*t and tell her to GTFO and b) she might not have someone who isn't a complete d**chebag loser lined up at that time.
> 
> Do yourself a favor (actually, a few of them)...
> 
> ...


The kid is mine, I know this for a fact because we weren't having problems until two years ago. He was one at the time. I have no idea where she went. My family locator says she's somewhere in Hampstead, NC, and I'm in Swansboro, NC. I was a 1361, Engineering Tech.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jessie5 said:


> I cannot believe the answers you are getting...you are Controlling Absolutely not..


This is sarcasm combined w/ a touch of realistic insight; if he were actually doing something to check her on her bullsh*t, wasn't letting her get away w/ all of it, and had been much firmer on the enforcement of boundaries, his behavior couldn't be described as being at all "controlling". But since he's essentially letting her off the hook for everything while doing little more than just whining about all of it, he comes off as somewhat "controlling"... in a very milquetoast sort of way.



jessie5 said:


> Did your wife forget she is married, with a child ..Married women are not suppose to act like this, out all night, talking on line to guys...*i really think she is having more then a emotional affair,you have a right to be very concerned and upset, she has no respect for you at all.*


Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!



jessie5 said:


> She needs to get rid of the other so called men friends, they are taking your place emotional and she needs to act like a mother and wife, not a single women looking for men for a good time.


He's actually better off here if she keeps them, IMO. If she had no one else to run to, he'd be stuck w/ her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sierra-013 said:


> The kid is mine, I know this for a fact because we weren't having problems until two years ago. He was one at the time. I have no idea where she went. My family locator says she's somewhere in Hampstead, NC, and I'm in Swansboro, NC. I was a 1361, Engineering Tech.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man... do yourself a favor and order the test. Guys say things like "Oh, but he/she looks just like me!" all the time, only to find out -- years later -- that they've been duped.

And honestly the results don't matter from a parenting perspective, as there's nothing keeping you from loving and caring for a child that you have spent years loving, raising, and providing for, even if the genetic link isn't there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sierra-013 said:


> Thanks for the insight gents. I will admit that my behavior is unbecoming of America's finest, and I have tried multiple approaches to this. *The emotional affair thing she said meant nothing to her, so she sees it as insignificant in my argument of why I set boundaries*, and she also sees nothing wrong with having male friends(most of whom I wouldn't know had they not introduced themselves to me and showed they were just friends). *In response to the question about passwords: We used to have access to each others accounts and whatnot, but she suddenly decided she wanted privacy*. I'm honestly fed up. I have a 3 year old with her, and she is still not back from wherever she went, so I'm late for work.


First part in bold -- Yeah, what's the big deal, right? She just wanted you to leave while she brought this guy into your home so that he could bang her out in your bed. No harm in that... right?!? :scratchhead:

Second part in bold -- Not good, but it would seem that you already know that. Privacy in a marriage starts and stops in the bathroom; specifically, on the toilet.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'd be on the side of texting her not to bother coming home until she was ready to act like a married woman and mother. You both need to be all in on fixing what ails this marriage. 

Sierra, you have to do something to take back the control from her. Every time you let her talk over you objections, she's in control. 

Call your work for some time to get things together. Do you have family near that can help you short term?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You don't have a wife OP. She has checked out of the marriage and is doing her own thing on the side....and that can be ANYTHING you can imagine/that's possible. Chances of that happening NOW are high.

She is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. I wouldn't take her actions lightly and would've probably lawyered up while back.

Get as much evidence about her cheating as possible and go see a lawyer. Even if you recover and she starts respecting you, you will always be stuck with the actions she already taken.

Besides, she doesn't deserve any respect or special someone anyways.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sierra-013 said:


> The emotional affair thing she said meant nothing to her, so she sees it as insignificant in my argument of why I set boundaries, and she also sees nothing wrong with having male friends(most of whom I wouldn't know had they not introduced themselves to me and showed they were just friends).


Its not about what it means to her. 

Its about what it means to her husband and her marriage, and what its doing to them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Privacy in a marriage starts and stops in the bathroom; specifically, on the toilet.


:iagree:

She won't respect you until you stand up to her, in a meaningful way.

The extent to which a wife complies with your wishes says something about the state of the marriage.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sierra-013 said:


> Hello everyone, I hope you all had a good weekend. I was having a decent one until my wife decided to up and leave around 9:30 last night. She initially said she was going to go get cat food and trash bags, then she texted me and said she thought I was the reason for her anxiety. Frustrated, I snapped back that maybe she should leave if I was such a problem. Before I go further, here is some background information:
> 
> We have been married 4 years, and been together about 5. I am a former Marine, and I have been separated from the service for almost a year. Last year, my wife had an emotional affair with a man from xbox live. She plays xbox pretty regularly, and in fact, her usage of the thing after her emotional fling plays a big part in my insecurity. During that emotional affair last year, she told me that this other man (I use the term very loosely; he was a drug dealer who couldn't stay off pills), was her soul mate. She asked me to leave so she could bring him into our home to "see how things played out". During this time, we had sex, or attempted to, once. That one time, she told me it didn't mean anything and was just sex. Of course, after the whole ordeal, I was completely devastated. I was ready for a divorce, and I told her that. She spontaneously said she wanted to work things out, and said her and the other man were just going to be friends. Of course, I was NOT okay with this, and it took me 1-2 months of being up her ass about her relationship with him (I found some incriminating messages between him and her on her phone), she stopped talking to him. Well, after that ordeal, I was not pleased that she still constantly made guy friends on xbox and continued to behave in pretty much the same manner that she did before, which led to the emotional affair. Of course, I was insecure, so I was engaging in checking her email, texts, xbox friends and messages, etc (her main mode of contact was through an app called text+), and she was none too happy. This went on, with her complaining about me being super controlling, but mind you, beforehand, she was going out very regularly with some questionable people (one was cheating on her husband with one man, and another with multiple), to bars and the like, and sometimes would not come back until 5am. We have a 3 year old now, who was just over a year back when she was doing this, and I was none too happy about the behavior, because she was always hung over, and we never did anything together. Everytime she went out, she came back with a new guy's phone number, and it pissed me off to no end. I confronted her about this several times, and she insisted they were just friends. Fast forward to yesterday. After spending all day upstairs sleeping/playing xbox, she came downstairs around 9:30, dressed, and said she was going to the store to get cat food and trash bags. She then texted me that I was probably the reason for her anxiety. Her anxiety began last year, shortly after her emotional affair, and it was completely unrelated to me(or so I think) because she was at the bar with a friend, and she just suddenly couldn't be around the crowd of people. It is now Monday Morning, and she is still not back. I told her how I felt, and how I thought it was wrong that she gave more attention to all these other men from xbox than to me (I play soccer, and through 2 seasons this year, she's only come to one of my games), and that if she didn't do that, I wouldn't be up her ass about **** like I am. What I want to know is, am I being controlling or is my wife just playing me? Do my boundaries sound unreasonable? I don't like the fact that she has so many male friends, regardless of where they are. I don't like when she goes out by herself and doesn't come home until after 1am. I don't like the fact she constantly texts and calls other guys she meets online, and I am frankly at my wit's end. Please advise.


Look in your gut, do you REALLY think she's only had one emotional affair? Nothing else?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Please step away from your thread, and read it as if it is one of your buddies:

"My wife had an emotional affair with a drug dealer on xbox. She said it meant nothing. She asked me to move out of the house so she could see what it would be like to live with him. She still texts guys on xbox all the time and goes out to bars late at night without me and gets new numbers. She has a ton of guy friends. She says she's not cheating. I'm pretty sure my kid is mine though. How do I fix my marriage?"

Dude you aren't married. Your wife is cheating all over the place, not even sure why you'd want to keep her at this point.

Order the paternity test and get a divorce lawyer. Go to dadsdivorce.com and read "the list" and start preparing for your custody battle. And get some counseling because the fact that your still in the marriage asking questions like you are shows that you have real relationship issues that need to be dealt with.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COguy said:


> Please step away from your thread, and read it as if it is one of your buddies:
> 
> "My wife had an emotional affair with a drug dealer on xbox. She said it meant nothing. She asked me to move out of the house so she could see what it would be like to live with him. She still texts guys on xbox all the time and goes out to bars late at night without me and gets new numbers. She has a ton of guy friends. She says she's not cheating. I'm pretty sure my kid is mine though. How do I fix my marriage?"
> 
> ...


I would probably recommend STD test too......meanwhile, collect as much evidence of her cheating as possible (spy software on PC/Phone?).


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

jessie5 said:


> I cannot believe the answers you are getting...you are Controlling Absolutely not..
> 
> Did your wife forget she is married, with a child ..Married women are not suppose to act like this, out all night, talking on line to guys...i really think she is having more then a emotional affair,you have a right to be very concerned and upset, she has no respect for you at all.
> 
> She needs to get rid of the other so called men friends, they are taking your place emotional and she needs to act like a mother and wife, not a single women looking for men for a good time.


You can be "right" and still be controlling. Trying to control your wife out of an affair is still control issues. In this case, he is replacing good boundaries and consequences with trying to stop her from doing what is not right. It's not helpful.

In a healthy relationship, person A establishes boundaries and then backs off. Person B can choose to accept those, and if they do not, person A needs to follow through with consequences. In this case, he's not following through, he's just spying on her instead and trying to make her do things which she does not want to do. That's the definition of control, trying to get other people to do things that you want them to. It doesn't matter what the end game is, or whether it's justified because the other person is acting like an A$$hat.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is a cheater. Plain and simple. And no, you are not controlling, you SHOULD be expecting her to follow your boundaries after what she has done. Clearly she is not remorseful, and clearly she is continuing to cheat. What are you going to do about it??


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You're a former marine.

In military strategy do you control the enemy or do you control your own troops in order to defeat your enemy?

You control your own troops.

Stop trying to control her, and start controlling yourself.

My advice is that this starts with getting a lawyer and getting this person you currently call your wife out of your life.

How the hell could she ask you to leave your OWN house to have another guy over to "see what happens?"

And how the hell can you tolerate supporting this person and giving this person your life?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I'm sure you love your child. As a mother, I am sickened by the behavior from your wife. I won't comment on your marriage because I think we both know that it is OVER and not worth saving.

Here is what I think you should focus on. Focus on your child. Even if your paternity is questionable as some suggest, do you really want to leave your child with that woman? Any child for that matter? How in the heck does she have time to play video games when she has a 3 year old! Who makes dinner? Who cleans the house? Who plays with the little one? Who bathes him? If you do most of this, then what exactly does she do. What is her purpose?

I think she is a deadbeat mother. When you have kids, you change. Some people see this as a negative, but I am sorry. I don't miss the days of going to the club and coming home drunk, hungover weekends wasted watching tv. That was college. This is real life. If she isn't ready to grow up, then she shouldn't be a mother. Your child deserves better.

I'm sorry for you, OP. Take the advice of others, get divorced, and try to get custody of that child if you can. You seem like a sensible person who can actually raise a child and not spend all day on the d*** Xbox.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> I'm sure you love your child. As a mother, I am sickened by the behavior from your wife. I won't comment on your marriage because I think we both know that it is OVER and not worth saving.
> 
> Here is what I think you should focus on. Focus on your child. Even if your paternity is questionable as some suggest, do you really want to leave your child with that woman? Any child for that matter? How in the heck does she have time to play video games when she has a 3 year old! Who makes dinner? Who cleans the house? Who plays with the little one? Who bathes him? If you do most of this, then what exactly does she do. What is her purpose?
> 
> ...


Well, it's over. She left to go be with her Xbox boyfriend. I missed work, and now I'm on my way home to key west with my son. I told her I would fight for custody of my son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You don't really want to live your life like this do you? Expose your kiddo to this skanky behavior and have them believe this is ok?

Their are good women who don't cheat and play xbox all day. Why not cut this off and find a loving spouse. They are out there. And cheaters are justifiers and blame shifters. With her blaming you for things changes are it's her own bad behavior she is masking


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Sierra-013 said:


> Well, it's over. She left to go be with her Xbox boyfriend. I missed work, and now I'm on my way home to key west with my son. I told her I would fight for custody of my son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lawyer up and separate finances, pronto.

Looks like she made the decision for you. I'm sorry, man.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good, you and your boy don't need that in your lives. She made her choice, the Xbox druggie bf over an adult marriage and motherhood. 

She did you and your son a favor by allowing you both to be able to live an honest and stable life. Now its up to you to make sure it happens. This is the time you'll need to step up and show your son what a good man and parent is made of. Will you be able to do that? 

Like GTdad said, get a lawyer as soon as you get there. Document everything. Did I say document everything, do it. You might use this link and forum...

Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | DadsDivorce.com


Best wishes to you and your son


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... *I'd stay in NC and file for divorce there.* Why? Well, because infidelity matters in NC, at least w/ regard to the division of assets and (possibly) determination of child custody where divorce is concerned. And yes... definitely be the one to file.

I'm pretty sure that it doesn't matter in FL at all.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... *I'd stay in NC and file for divorce there.* Why? Well, because infidelity matters in NC, at least w/ regard to the division of assets and (possibly) determination of child custody where divorce is concerned. And yes... definitely be the one to file.
> 
> I'm pretty sure that it doesn't matter in FL at all.


Oh, I'm not moving to Florida. I'm going to visit family I haven't seen in about 5 years, and get help to fight this battle, cause I can't afford a lawyer on my own. Barely make $31k a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Go to dadsdivorce.com and read "the list" before you do anything stupid. Get a lawyer, and whatever you do don't move out of the house under any circumstance if you want custody of your kid. Document everything, she's abandoning the home and her kid to go be with paramours. That's a big no no.

I'd spend the $100 and get a paternity test, I think at this point you'd be quite foolish not to.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sierra-013 said:


> Well, it's over. She left to go be with her Xbox boyfriend. I missed work, and now I'm on my way home to key west with my son. I told her I would fight for custody of my son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck Sierra. Hope your family can help you out with this.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

breeze said:


> Good luck Sierra. Hope your family can help you out with this.


She gave me full custody of my son, and she gets visitation rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Sierra-013 said:


> She gave me full custody of my son, and she gets visitation rights.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good news, but do you have it in writing?


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

GTdad said:


> Good news, but do you have it in writing?


Not yet. A little hard from Florida
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sierra-013 said:


> Not yet. A little hard from Florida
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't got nuthin' till you get a signed legal document. Don't let your guard down. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sierra-013 said:


> She gave me full custody of my son, and she gets visitation rights.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get that in writing and it means absolutely jack sh*t until it's signed off by a judge. Do not learn the hard way...You aren't going to get out of this without spending money on a lawyer.


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

COguy said:


> Get that in writing and it means absolutely jack sh*t until it's signed off by a judge. Do not learn the hard way...You aren't going to get out of this without spending money on a lawyer.


Well, this is a wreck for me. My son has never met anyone from my family, and he didn't get much exposure to anyone outside of myself and the "wife" while we lived together. We are at my parents' house, and he is homesick. He fell asleep after crying for a good while as I held him. I won't lie, I'm relieved she is gone, but it does not make things any easier. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally tired. I've been up since 3:30am, and have not had any sleep. My son slept for a while during that horrible drive, but he's tired as well. I think he can feel what is going on with me, and it's affecting him. Sometimes I find myself lamenting, sometimes celebrating. I've been trained to put down the enemies of my country, not to live with all this. I don't know what to do. I have already spoken to my lawyer, and as soon as I get back, we will discuss custody and everything else. The "wife" now says she wants shared custody. I flat out refused. My son is all I have, while she relishes in the company of that other guy, who, coincidentally, just got separated. I took her off my cell phone, and if it weren't for the fact that insurance requires her consent, I would drop her (I tried). I told her all her stuff better be gone from the house when I get back, or it would be up for sale, if it's even worth anything. Long story short, I'm bringing artillery and air support. I will not back down. I tried being understanding, and communicating, and setting boundaries, for naught. I didn't have any consequences because although she behaves like one, she isn't a juvenile. She is a 26 year old woman, and should know how to act like a woman, and not a capricious teenage girl. I provided, I took care of her and my son, and I was there. I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. Marriage is about compromise, and understanding. You cannot just lead, and you cannot just follow. You can only walk side by side, together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You are right. There shouldn't actually need to be any consequences because knowledge of boundaries should be enough. Unfortunately some people never grow up. This is a harsh lesson to learn in the importance of choosing the right partner from the get go.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm not surprised the custody discussion took a turn. You need to talk to your lawyer to find out what your "best case" options are. The odds of you getting sole custody are slim, even with infidelity. Speaking of that, do you have your proof put aside somewhere safe? 

C


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sierra-013 said:


> Well, this is a wreck for me. My son has never met anyone from my family, and he didn't get much exposure to anyone outside of myself and the "wife" while we lived together. We are at my parents' house, and he is homesick. He fell asleep after crying for a good while as I held him. I won't lie, I'm relieved she is gone, but it does not make things any easier. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally tired. I've been up since 3:30am, and have not had any sleep. My son slept for a while during that horrible drive, but he's tired as well. I think he can feel what is going on with me, and it's affecting him. Sometimes I find myself lamenting, sometimes celebrating. I've been trained to put down the enemies of my country, not to live with all this. I don't know what to do. I have already spoken to my lawyer, and as soon as I get back, we will discuss custody and everything else. The "wife" now says she wants shared custody. I flat out refused. My son is all I have, while she relishes in the company of that other guy, who, coincidentally, just got separated. I took her off my cell phone, and if it weren't for the fact that insurance requires her consent, I would drop her (I tried). I told her all her stuff better be gone from the house when I get back, or it would be up for sale, if it's even worth anything. Long story short, I'm bringing artillery and air support. I will not back down. I tried being understanding, and communicating, and setting boundaries, for naught. I didn't have any consequences because although she behaves like one, she isn't a juvenile. She is a 26 year old woman, and should know how to act like a woman, and not a capricious teenage girl. I provided, I took care of her and my son, and I was there. I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. Marriage is about compromise, and understanding. You cannot just lead, and you cannot just follow. You can only walk side by side, together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad you are taking this seriously. Have you read "the list" yet? There are things you need to do to protect yourselves, and things you will need to document to assist you in your inevitable custody battle.

Separating finances, moving out your valuables, and documenting your parenting time are major ones. I can't reiterate enough how important it is to read that and follow it. Thousands and thousands of men have gone through this and said, "I wish I would have read that before." You can't unscrew most of the mistakes that you will inevitably make if you don't learn from other's experience.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"The "wife" now says she wants shared custody." I was waiting for this. I think all wives/mothers that leave, seem to say they only want visitation. They want their freedom at first. But, after a while, when they realize the actual cost of their freedom, they change their mind. Be careful. You cannot trust anything she says. She only wants you around for financial support. Period!. Dont ever think its for anything more.


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

Even though this situation isn't ideal, this may be one of the better things that could have happened.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Sierra-013 said:


> Thanks for the insight gents. *I will admit that my behavior is unbecoming of America's finest, and I have tried multiple approaches to this. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WHAT? What did you do wrong?


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## Sierra-013 (Jul 21, 2014)

MrsDraper said:


> WHAT? What did you do wrong?


Stayed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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