# Sick & tired of being sick & tired - verbal abuse & anger issues



## AL8 (Sep 9, 2012)

1st off I am new here but I really need some help. 

My husband is a lovely man. He's got a great sense of humor, he's kind, he's a great dad, my family LOVES him. We have been together for 12 years, married for 8. When we were younger he would get real ugly but I stuck around. After our 2nd son (3 years ago) he was even more amazing than ever before. I thought that we were finally in a good place... last night proved me wrong. 

We went out for my grandmother's b-day. Dinner & then back to their house for cake & presents outside. There were 18 of us there & I ended up sitting at a different table than my husband & our 9 year old & 3 year old sons. I was a mere 2 feet away. When we got back to granny's house I was in charge of the cakes & presents. I left my sons with my husband & dad. I didn't think that was a big deal. 

When we got home my husband lost it. He went off on our 9 year old son for not taking better care of his shoes. He was screaming & yelling & called him a "spoiled brat". I jumped in at that time & asked him to stop. I have no problem with him disciplining out children but that was uncalled for. The 9 year old was bawling, he is still today apologizing for making his dad so angry.

I put the boys down & that's when all hell broke loose. I am a stay at home mom who cleans for my dad (bringing home $70 a week). According to my husband last night I am a lazy "fat ass" who does nothing. My house isn't spotless but it's not dirty. Last night he was going off on me about needing to get a job but just a month ago he didn't want me to get a job. IF I were to go get a job he would be upset because he would have to help out more with the kids & the house (been there & done that before we had our 2nd kid). 

Right now my kids are staying the night with my dad. My husband is in the bedroom. When he came home from work he told me that he didn't want to be around me when I came in to fold some laundry. 

I honestly don't know what to do any more. I have no job. If I were to leave would he get my kids?Then he would be able to treat them any which way he wants & I wouldn't be there to stop it. I love him so much but this is getting old. I hate the way all of this makes me feel.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Your husband needs help, whether you decide to stay or not. If he doesn't get it, I'm assuming he's still going to see the kids and your sons will probably be more screwed up by his anger than the divorce.

I would say there is a high probability your husband was abused in some way by his father and/or some other father-figure as a child. Or something else caused him to have this anger and these outbursts. If he is willing to get help, he might be able to manage this better. It might not be enough for you stay with him, but it could be healthier for all involved.

I am not a professional/expert on this stuff but I have some experience dealing with this, both as a man/husband with similar issues, as a son in a dysfunctional family, and an adult trying to work through this stuff and protect both my siblings and my children from abusive environments.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AL8, I agree with Marty that it sounds like your H needs professional help to deal with his anger issues and lack of control. He may be suffering strong aspects of a personality disorder (PD), particularly if he experienced abuse or abandonment (or an emotionally cold parent) in his childhood. 

Yet, if that is the case, you should have been seeing red flags all through the last 12 years, starting right after the courtship period. PD traits do not simply vanish for years at a time. It therefore would be very helpful if you would explain what is behind your statement, _"When we were younger he would get real ugly."_ What did "real ugly" consist of? How often did it occur? And what seemed to trigger the outbursts?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> My husband is a lovely man.


No, he's not!


> he's kind, he's a great dad,


He's belittling and abusive.


> When we were younger he would get real ugly but I stuck around.


Uglier than THIS...I'm afraid to ask!


> Last night he was going off on me about needing to get a job but just a month ago he didn't want me to get a job. IF I were to go get a job he would be upset because he would have to help out more with the kids & the house





> My husband is in the bedroom. When he came home from work he told me that he didn't want to be around me when I came in to fold some laundry.


You seem to be under the impression that because your husband isn't a total d*ckhead ALL THE TIME he's "a lovely man"! Perhaps he's lovely to OTHER people, perhaps he's lovely some of the time, but the TRUE TEST OF HIS CHARACTER is HOW HE TREATS HIS FAMILY IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME...WHEN THERE'S NO-ONE THERE TO WITNESS HIS BEHAVIOR. Of course he's nice in public...wouldn't want people to know he's a bully with a hair-trigger temper! Your husband treats you and your sons like dirt and, apparently, has done so FOR YEARS! 

Your 9yo feels he needs to apologize for p*ssing his father off! Over a lousy pair of shoes! Not something serious like hurting his little brother, or destroying something expensive or sentimental, or being disrespectful. Nope, he's BEATING HIMSELF UP because he was rough on a pair of shoes...a 9yo...GET REAL.

Did you read what I just wrote? *YOUR 9 YEAR OLD IS BEATING HIMSELF UP *because he scuffed up his shoes!

1 Ignore how pissy your H will be because he's got to do more work around the house. GET A JOB. You will need the income to GET THE HELL away from your H with your sons.

2 Work on a budget so you can figure out realistically HOW you're going to make it financially and where you're going to live.

3 Bust your butt for the next 3-5 months getting your ducks in a row. Enlist the help of your family if possible. Explain that your "lovely" husband who is "kind" and such a "great dad" is a VERBALLY ABUSIVE to you AND your sons...and has been for YEARS.

4 Get away from this man and FILE FOR DIVORCE. Get some individual counseling for YOU and for your 9 yo. Have your younger son evaluated...he may or may not need therapy.

Do NOT make excuses about how hard it will be! Of course it will be hard, and financially strained, and tiring. But YOUR SONS deserve a MUCH BETTER LIFE than this, and SO DO YOU.

Hang in here at TAM and let us know what you're doing. Even a baby-step a week is progress. Just set your goals realistically and do AT LEAST one thing per week towards a new life.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> No, he's not!
> 
> He's belittling and abusive.
> Uglier than THIS...I'm afraid to ask!
> ...


I'm amazed to see how people give wrong advises in seconds and tell a wounded wife to simply divorce the husband.

Please stop giving wastefull advises, instead give advise that can bring people together and save marriages.

These are daily minute things that happen in all the households, people sometimes loose temper but it doesn't mean that one should divorce and break a beautifull family


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> I'm amazed to see how people give wrong advises in seconds and tell a wounded wife to simply divorce the husband.
> 
> Please stop giving wastefull advises, instead give advise that can bring people together and save marriages.
> 
> These are daily minute things that happen in all the households, people sometimes loose temper but it doesn't mean that one should divorce and break a beautifull family


Or... you could simply give your own advice and stop criticizing other people for saying their minds?

This is a forum after all. Different people with differing opinions.


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