# How to deal with a lazy spouse



## Bigpat27 (Apr 4, 2020)

We both work full time. She’s a lab tech and I’m a security administrator. Both of our paychecks go into the same account. Which I’m completely fine with. My wife feels like that is enough contribution to our marriage. While I manage the bills, do the laundry, clean the apartment, etc... The only “chore” we split is doing the dishes. Which could take days of me constantly nagging her to do so. Her reasons for not helping is her body hurts. Which I get because she does have fibromyalgia. But that does not excuse her for not helping. She doesn’t even try to control her fibromyalgia. She doesn’t exercise and stretch which was recommended from specialty doctors. She completely excuses her self from any chores and throws her fibromyalgia in my face whenever I confront her laziness.

This has become incredibly infuriating. Especially now since she thinks it’s time to have a child. Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I have been enabling her too much. This has always been a problem in our entire relationship. She gets completely fixated on an idea and everything else melts away.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Fibromyalgia is very painful and can be very debilitating. Is she on any pain meds for it?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And or, maybe your just in the edge with what's going on in the world. Sounds like you are still working. That should help.

But when this is costing you more that you are getting out of the relationship. You will get divorced. It's on the increase and why would you be dogging she so much, it's just not worth it. 

And it will only get worse as she ages. Release her and get what you want, because she isn't fitting the bill. 

it's as simple as that, but you know this and are possibly only looking for someone to agree.

Done.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Are you guys married?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Without knowing too much information I have multiple thoughts. For one, many couples argue about chores and this can be an easy fix. 
However it seems there is more going on with this. 
If you are not married, you need to think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest is your life with someone like this, because you will be doing the majority is the work. I personally suggest you do not marry her and have kids with her especially is she is showing you that she is not trying to take control of her disease. 

How old are you guys?

If she can’t even take care of herself and do what the doctor recommends and live a healthy lifestyle I don’t know how you can be with her let alone have kids with her.


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## Bigpat27 (Apr 4, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Are you guys married?


Yes for almost a year now


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bigpat27 said:


> We both work full time. She’s a lab tech and I’m a security administrator. Both of our paychecks go into the same account. Which I’m completely fine with. My wife feels like that is enough contribution to our marriage. While I manage the bills, do the laundry, clean the apartment, etc... The only “chore” we split is doing the dishes. Which could take days of me constantly nagging her to do so. Her reasons for not helping is her body hurts. Which I get because she does have fibromyalgia. But that does not excuse her for not helping. She doesn’t even try to control her fibromyalgia. She doesn’t exercise and stretch which was recommended from specialty doctors. She completely excuses her self from any chores and throws her fibromyalgia in my face whenever I confront her laziness.
> 
> This has become incredibly infuriating. Especially now since she thinks it’s time to have a child. Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I have been enabling her too much. This has always been a problem in our entire relationship. She gets completely fixated on an idea and everything else melts away.


Welcome to the world of the MAJORITY of married/coupled women who also work outside the home. We also have to carry children and birth them then be the primary care-givers after they're born, WHILE doing everything you're doing.

Not so much fun, is it?

In either event, I wouldn't have a goldfish with someone this entitled. If it's too painful for Miss Thang to vacuum the living room or change the bed-sheets, then it's certainly going to be too painful for her to carry an extra 25-50 pounds of baby weight for months, give birth, then be responsible for said baby.

How is this poor, poor victim _*able*_ to have sex if she's in pain all the time and can barely scrub a toilet? I don't get it.

If you're smart, you'll double-wrap it *every single time*. I'm not kidding.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bigpat27 said:


> Her reasons for not helping is her body hurts. Which I get because she does have fibromyalgia. But that does not excuse her for not helping.


Until one experiences fibromylagia or any physical aliment, no one can "get it"(understand) how it feels. Have you asked her why she does not treat it?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd let the dishes pile up.
When she calls you on it, I'd sit down for a talk.
Tell her you understand her medical issues and while you can work with them, you are not going to allow her to use them as a free pass (especially when she is not following medical advice.)
You can redefine chores, perhaps finding her some that are not as strenuous for her.
Tell her you are open to reassess when she follows the medical treatment that was recommended.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In order to have a child, one must first be able to get within 3 feet of her. With her hygiene habits, I don't see how you can force yourself to be intimate with her. Are you ready to work full-time, do all of the housework and all of the child care? 

You didn't notice her habits before marriage? Is her behavior after marriage new?


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## Bigpat27 (Apr 4, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to the world of the MAJORITY of married/coupled women who also work outside the home. We also have to carry children and birth them then be the primary care-givers after they're born, WHILE doing everything you're doing.
> 
> Not so much fun, is it?
> 
> ...


I think I have a decent grasp of fibromyalgia. I’m severely flat footed, overweight by a considerable amount, and I suffered a blast injury to my left hand taking all but my index and thumb. So I’m also in daily pain. But I grit my teeth and power through the day.

she tells me she just “forgets”


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bigpat27 said:


> We both work full time. She’s a lab tech and I’m a security administrator. Both of our paychecks go into the same account. Which I’m completely fine with. My wife feels like that is enough contribution to our marriage. While I manage the bills, do the laundry, clean the apartment, etc... The only “chore” we split is doing the dishes. Which could take days of me constantly nagging her to do so. Her reasons for not helping is her body hurts. Which I get because she does have fibromyalgia. But that does not excuse her for not helping. She doesn’t even try to control her fibromyalgia. She doesn’t exercise and stretch which was recommended from specialty doctors. She completely excuses her self from any chores and throws her fibromyalgia in my face whenever I confront her laziness.
> 
> This has become incredibly infuriating. Especially now since she thinks it’s time to have a child. Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I have been enabling her too much. This has always been a problem in our entire relationship. She gets completely fixated on an idea and everything else melts away.


Works full time with fibromyalgia? Not everyone can do that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bigpat27 said:


> I think I have a decent grasp of fibromyalgia. I’m severely flat footed, overweight by a considerable amount, and I suffered a blast injury to my left hand taking all but my index and thumb. So I’m also in daily pain. But I grit my teeth and power through the day.
> 
> she tells me she just “forgets”











Fibromyalgia


Fibromyalgia, also called fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS), is a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body.




www.nhs.uk






> As well as widespread pain, people with fibromyalgia may also have:
> increased sensitivity to pain
> extreme tiredness (fatigue)
> muscle stiffness
> ...


So it's possible your wife may really forget as that is a formal and well-recognised symptom of this disease.

But! Many people have autoimmune conditions that are mistaken for fibromyalgia, so this can also be an issue.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have little sympathy for her since she makes the choice to not treat her condition. That makes no sense to me. I guess she does it so she has an excuse to lean on. No way should she have a child. No way should you agree to a child, as you will be the one doing all the work once it arrives. A child deserves two parents who participate in their care, and you deserve a spouse who is a partner. 




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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. Fibromyalgia does progress toward worse as time goes on. You will have the responsibility of EVERYTHING. BTDT. I lived through 18 years of it, the last 13 years of it with a zombie in my bed, in the hospital with 5 overdoses, the 6th of which I caught too late, she was already cold with foam around her mouth. Thank God, she was beyond the childbearing years when we met and we had no children at home.

She refused all treatment, except opiates. At the last, she had been on transdermal fentanyl for a couple of years, she ignored the clear warnings given her about using a heating pad on the body area where the patch was. She "stashed" oxycodone and many times, drugged herself into 2 and 2-1/2 day sleeps.

I see your wife on the same trajectory mine was. She was somewhat industrious in the beginning, but over time, she became an addict to the pain pills.
Your wife's work will, someday, be over. You will then have her to support and care for totally.

Like @3Xnocharm, I had, and have, very little sympathy for her, because she would not cooperate with any treatment, up to, and including, a professional confrontation. She had many, many chances to "get clean" and face the issues.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds like both of you need to make your health a new #1 priority. Work together, get healthy, lose weight, do her stretches and exercises WITH her. Grow together and get better. 

You guys are not ready for a baby.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> It sounds like both of you need to make your health a new #1 priority. Work together, get healthy, lose weight, do her stretches and exercises WITH her. Grow together and get better.
> 
> You guys are not ready for a baby.


He can't do exercises and stretches with her because she isn't interested in doing them.

SHE is not ready for a baby.

I advise getting out of the marriage, as other posters have.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> He can't do exercises and stretches with her because she isn't interested in doing them.
> 
> SHE is not ready for a baby.
> 
> I advise getting out of the marriage, as other posters have.


Maybe she would do them if she had more support and someone to do them with. 

This dude is severely overweight. Isn’t it calling the kettle black to get upset with her for not doing her stretches when he is sitting there obese and not exercising either?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Maybe she would do them if she had more support and someone to do them with.
> 
> This dude is severely overweight. Isn’t it calling the kettle black to get upset with her for not doing her stretches when he is sitting there obese and not exercising either?


Once one is an adult with a health issue, they need to be responsible for exercising and stretching themselves, "support and someone to do them with" really really really shouldn't be necessary.


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

Bigpat27 said:


> We both work full time. She’s a lab tech and I’m a security administrator. Both of our paychecks go into the same account. Which I’m completely fine with. My wife feels like that is enough contribution to our marriage. While I manage the bills, do the laundry, clean the apartment, etc... The only “chore” we split is doing the dishes. Which could take days of me constantly nagging her to do so. Her reasons for not helping is her body hurts. Which I get because she does have fibromyalgia. But that does not excuse her for not helping. She doesn’t even try to control her fibromyalgia. She doesn’t exercise and stretch which was recommended from specialty doctors. She completely excuses her self from any chores and throws her fibromyalgia in my face whenever I confront her laziness.
> 
> This has become incredibly infuriating. Especially now since she thinks it’s time to have a child. Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I have been enabling her too much. This has always been a problem in our entire relationship. She gets completely fixated on an idea and everything else melts away.


hchange.
Honestly fibromyalgia is extremly painful i know people who is actually on disability because of it. it disable your body your emotions and mental health. I'm pretty sure if she told you the real hell she is really dealing with you probably wouldnt have posted this. Help her do better with taking care of herself. That too can be a task all by itself let alone picking up a broom. I was in a car accident that left me with nerve damage for about a year or so I could barely do anything for myself or work it was all on my husband instead of him helping and being understanding he cheated on me and I read messages where he told the other woman the same things you are saying and worse I'm still broken thats why I'm on here. True enough I workout eating better to get back to my normal self it still kills my soul knowing he said and did those things because I was in a place of constant pain an couldn't help him around the house and financially. Trust when she say she is hurting she is sometimes we as women don't show how bad we are really suffering. I pray everything workout for you guys. Just don't turn against her or resent her for her lack of being able to help because she really is suffering!.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Unproblematic87 said:


> hchange.
> Honestly fibromyalgia is extremly painful i know people who is actually on disability because of it. it disable your body your emotions and mental health. I'm pretty sure if she told you the real hell she is really dealing with you probably wouldnt have posted this. Help her do better with taking care of herself. That too can be a task all by itself let alone picking up a broom. I was in a car accident that left me with nerve damage for about a year or so I could barely do anything for myself or work it was all on my husband instead of him helping and being understanding he cheated on me and I read messages where he told the other woman the same things you are saying and worse I'm still broken thats why I'm on here. True enough I workout eating better to get back to my normal self it still kills my soul knowing he said and did those things because I was in a place of constant pain an couldn't help him around the house and financially. Trust when she say she is hurting she is sometimes we as women don't show how bad we are really suffering. I pray everything workout for you guys. Just don't turn against her or resent her for her lack of being able to help because she really is suffering!.


The issue is that she refuses to treat her own ailment. Instead she is making a conscious choice to play victim and allow her husband to carry the burden of the household by himself. Which he has to do while also being subjected to her being smelly and disgusting on top of it. I understand why the man is at his wits end. 




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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Hey wife, how exactly is it that you're going to be able to carry a child, give birth, and be a mom when you can't even lift a dustcloth or do the dishes? Tell you what - you start managing your condition to the point where you carry 50% of the workload around the house, and then we talk about having a child."

It will never happen, btw.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Unproblematic87 said:


> hchange.
> Honestly fibromyalgia is extremly painful i know people who is actually on disability because of it. it disable your body your emotions and mental health. I'm pretty sure if she told you the real hell she is really dealing with you probably wouldnt have posted this. Help her do better with taking care of herself. That too can be a task all by itself let alone picking up a broom. I was in a car accident that left me with nerve damage for about a year or so I could barely do anything for myself or work it was all on my husband instead of him helping and being understanding he cheated on me and I read messages where he told the other woman the same things you are saying and worse I'm still broken thats why I'm on here. True enough I workout eating better to get back to my normal self it still kills my soul knowing he said and did those things because I was in a place of constant pain an couldn't help him around the house and financially. Trust when she say she is hurting she is sometimes we as women don't show how bad we are really suffering. I pray everything workout for you guys. Just don't turn against her or resent her for her lack of being able to help because she really is suffering!.


Not buying that at all, sorry. I mean, I buy it for you, but not this guy's wife.

She has a disability, sure. But she's doing zero to manage or mitigate it. That means she's complicit in her own disability.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she wants a baby, tell her that you'll have to see 6 straight months of her participating 50/50 on chores before you'll be willing to bring a baby into this marriage. Tell her that you'll support any help she gets in treating her FM, but you won't budge on this because you're not her servant nor father. Then step back and see what she does.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have little sympathy for her since she makes the choice to not treat her condition. That makes no sense to me. I guess she does it so she has an excuse to lean on. *No way should she have a child. No way should you agree to a child, as you will be the one doing all the work once it arrives*. A child deserves two parents who participate in their care, and you deserve a spouse who is a partner.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree 100% with this. Especially the bolded...though I'd add one extra thing...No way should you agree to a child because you'll be doing all the work, or worse still, the child will when old enough. It is not the job of children to look after their parents. You chose this when you married her, the child did not.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

Bigpat27 said:


> Perhaps I have been enabling her too much.


You would need a huge array of new and better relationship shills to balance this out of balance union. In my experience, the first thing that a couple looses is the friendship and mustual love that was there at the beginning but has slowly fallen away over time. Now you're like two unhappy room-mates with no idea how to get back the love and friendship that MAY have been there in the beginning. I'd google: "relationship tips" and learn how to become loving, respectful FRIENDS again and then figure out how to make your union work. Once friendship is restored, most of the other problems become easy to deal with. Friends don't engage in power struggles with their other friends! They happily work things out. Good luck, jim


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wrong thread!




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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Until one experiences fibromylagia or any physical aliment, no one can "get it"(understand) how it feels. Have you asked her why she does not treat it?


I believe the Fibro disease is real and warrants special treatment and meds to cope with it. Years ago there was no condition name given to this disease, and it is not known what causes this disease. 
I have a dear friend that is suffering with Fibro since in her early fifties, she has many bad days due to this condition and the meds are not always enough to provide relief. However, having the disease is not in itself fully debilitating, a person has to cope with it despite everyday duties and responsibilities. I would suggest that you get yourself more educated and perhaps go with her and talk to the Doc that is treating her disease, might just give you an insight as to what she is dealing with ........... Show her that you care enough to learn about this condition, perhaps she will be more willing to assist you with your household ..................


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Auto-immune disorder do not only affect your body. They can cause so called "brain frog", depression, lack of motivation. Your own body betrayed you and it is really hard to accept that and move on. You can not rely on your body anymore. Your body aches like you have chronic flu all the time. You just want to rest. These are so called invisible diseases. You think she is just lazy while she sits on the couch , while she wonders why she feels like 70 year old woman and that couch is the only thing she desires in her life. You can not just pull yourself by bootstraps. 

If you want to see some kind of change - suggest change of diet, preferrably for both of you. But for her: no gluten, no diary, no sugar. That's just a beginning, I am afraid. There is more to avoid when you have AI disorder. But challenge yourself and her to two weeks without these three ingredients. Of if this is too much - start with two weeks without gluten, or sugar. You may be amazed how this will affect yours and hers energy levels. Or it may not - she may need greater changes in her diet , but that woudl be a great start.
I was lucky - it took me 6 days off gluten to start feeling better, and for my body aches to go away. If they are back - turmeric tea will help.


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Auto-immune disorder do not only affect your body. They can cause so called "brain frog", depression, lack of motivation. Your own body betrayed you and it is really hard to accept that and move on. You can not rely on your body anymore. Your body aches like you have chronic flu all the time. You just want to rest. These are so called invisible diseases. You think she is just lazy while she sits on the couch , while she wonders why she feels like 70 year old woman and that couch is the only thing she desires in her life. You can not just pull yourself by bootstraps.
> 
> If you want to see some kind of change - suggest change of diet, preferrably for both of you. But for her: no gluten, no diary, no sugar. That's just a beginning, I am afraid. There is more to avoid when you have AI disorder. But challenge yourself and her to two weeks without these three ingredients. Of if this is too much - start with two weeks without gluten, or sugar. You may be amazed how this will affect yours and hers energy levels. Or it may not - she may need greater changes in her diet , but that woudl be a great start.
> I was lucky - it took me 6 days off gluten to start feeling better, and for my body aches to go away. If they are back - turmeric tea will help.


Thank you for explaining this it's so many negative comments about the wife on here as a person who've dealt with this and the negative remarks it break my heart to such harshness especially dealing with her condition. I'm pretty sure it has effected her mental health.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Unproblematic87 said:


> Thank you for explaining this it's so many negative comments about the wife on here as a person who've dealt with this and the negative remarks it break my heart to such harshness especially dealing with her condition. I'm pretty sure it has effected her mental health.


Then WHY does she make the conscious choice to not treat her own disease??


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Then WHY does she make the conscious choice to not treat her own disease??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


because this is freaking hard to get energy for anything. Everything seems overwhelming, including dietery changes, that require of you to stop eating everything you grow up on.

This is not something people without AI can understand. Hopefully, at one point she will get that motivation to try to change things and maybe these changes will help her feel better. Or maybe not. I strongly recommend OP to start different cooking at home, and see if things get better. If she sees support from him, maybe that will be the trigger she needs.

I don't know her. maybe she is lazy person. But I know that I have changed after getting two AI disorders. Before small house work was boring me, I'd rather work on business staff. Now? Give me the least responsiblity job, I can fold laundry all day long, becaseu it requires minimum effort from me. It was killing me before. Not so long ago, just four years. I lost myself.

Frankly, she might need anti-depressant before she gets anything done.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Then WHY does she make the conscious choice to not treat her own disease??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, this. And she wants a child! Truly, many posters are making a while lot of assumptions about the extent of the OPs wife's medical condition and diagnosis.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this. And she wants a child! Truly, many posters are making a while lot of assumptions about the extent of the OPs wife's medical condition and diagnosis.


And you are making your own assumptions, disregarding the effect AI disorder may have on a person.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> And you are making your own assumptions, disregarding the effect AI disorder may have on a person.


It is not rational to simultaneously be unable to take care of your own life and to want to carry a new life inside of you and take care of a newborn.

Ergo, she either isn't that ill, or is ill and not being rational. In either case, I wouldn't want to have a child with her.

I do think she may be depressed.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Marduk said:


> It is not rational to simultaneously be unable to take care of your own life and to want to carry a new life inside of you and take care of a newborn.
> 
> Ergo, she either isn't that ill, or is ill and not being rational. In either case, I wouldn't want to have a child with her.
> 
> I do think she may be depressed.


It is not rational, but it is human. Sick people may want children too. However, at this point I agree, she is definitely not ready for it. She would need to try at least to make lifestyle changes, that's a basic think in AI. Not easy though.


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

I have stage 4 endometriosis that causes significant pain, exhaustion, aneamia from blood loss, and a variety of other secondary symptoms. I do not expect anyone to carry the weight for me. I'm an adult and have to work and pay my own bills and clean my own damn house. You can be healthy and self entitled and unhealthy and self entitled. Your wife sounds like the latter. I would very very strongly advise you NOT to have children with this woman. She has already shown she can't be responsible enough to take care of herself. How on earth could she be trusted to take care of a vulnerable young child?


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