# Loss of love/intimacy standing in the way of progress



## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

Recently, my wife of 15 years told me she's no longer in love with me. She can't fathom the thought of being intimate with me any longer.

I've done a lot of soul searching and can see where my lack of effort in our marriage over time built a deep resentment in her. I was oblivious to the fact that she felt so strongly about this and we both seemed to repeat the same unhealthy routine. We both have contributed to serious communication issues in our marriage. 

At this point, due to the way she feels about me, she's unwilling to work on the issues that brought us to this point. My belief is that love & intimacy are something that can be rekindled, if we have the opportunity to work through some of our other issues. Am I wrong? She's convinced that there's no point to working through our issues if she doesn't love me & is repulsed by the thought of intimacy. Is it possible that she's right and her feelings will never return regardless of how hard we work on our marriage? Ladies - can you help me understand where she's coming from?

I want so badly to keep our family together and learn from our past mistakes. I told her that our marriage the way it existed is over. I want an opportunity for each of us to learn new ways to communicate with one another to build a stronger healthier marriage. We had one session with a marriage counselor. She reluctantly agreed to attend, but said she would not attend the next meeting. I know in my heart that if we can open up & work through our issues this marriage can be stronger than ever.

Our present situation is this...I'm trying to give her some space, as that's what she said she needs right now. Although I'm in more pain than I think I can handle sometimes, I'm trying to focus on giving her some room while concentrating on improving myself (working out, looking for activities I enjoy). I really don't know where her head is at, though. I'm not sure if she's weighing her options or just stalling while she gets her ducks in a row for a divorce.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Recognizing that giving her space is a great step. It is hard and generally goes against our instincts but gives her time to think things through. Not doing so will likely drive her further away. Continue to pursue your interests but be there for her if she needs to talk. Be confident and work on the changes you feel you need to make to save the marriage. Commit to them for the rest of you life. Love and intimacy can come back but it can be a very long and difficult road to travel. Your best course is to show your commitment to the marriage in your actions, not words.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

brknheart said:


> I've done a lot of soul searching and can see where my lack of effort in our marriage over time built a deep resentment in her.


I feel that you are well on the way to getting somwhere if you can recognise the resentment. That is the key word.

I am convinced that if resentment is the main thing your prospects are good. Not only that, but you can work on it all by yourself. In fact it's better to work by yourself. Once you have clearly spotted the main cause and dealt with it, she will automatically feel the difference. You don't need to get her to agree with you.

However, communication must eventually be brought into the equation, but it's better done when you can see more clearly.


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

Amplexor/MarkTwain. Thanks for your encouragement. I need to keep thinking positive and your responses help me to do so.

Any women out there that might have been in a similar situation? I could use help understanding how her feelings turned so drastically towards me and if there is anything I should or should not be doing to help her make a more reasonable evaluation of the situation.

Thanks all for your support.


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## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Hi, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have come to the point that I am unsure on how to continue working at a relationship that seems to continously fall into the same old unhealthy pattern. I have gotten to the same point as your wife and it is only when I told my husband that I don't think I am in love with him anymore and can't con't to live being unhappy has he tried to change - It will take your wife time to trust that things really will change and not fall into the same old rut,

goood luck


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## malone (Mar 19, 2009)

I am in your wifes situation and although my husband is doing everything possible, i'm afraid it is to late. It is so hard to respect a man once you have lost that - and with that the desire to be with him is gone. I think something is wrong here when all men say they never knew - most women do try to tell their husbands what they need - they only get it once the wife has reached their breaking point and are ready to move on.


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

unhappy / malone-

Thank you both for your candid response. Not knowing your situations, I can't begin to speculate whether your husbands efforts are sincere. I can share with you my experience, though which may apply to your situation as well.

I get the impression that you both feel you tried to discuss the problems with your husbands, but didn't see any progress. I think the same could be said for me. We did have a few talks where my wife suggested getting a babysitter so we could do some things together. I had no objection to doing so, but it didn't appreciate that this was something I needed to put major effort into. I know that sounds hard to believe, and in retrospect I'm shocked that I didn't get it. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with my wife, but we were both so busy keeping the kids active and doing things with them while keeping my career moving forward, focusing on each other & our marriage fell way down the priority list. I can see now that this is totally unacceptable. Our financial situation is such that we're doing well, no revolving debt, bills are being paid, etc. We can afford to keep the kids involved in extra activities and go out to dinner, vacations occasionally, but I have not felt for a long time that we were saving as much as we should be. This made me reluctant to buy extravagent gifts, go away for a weekend or longer vacation together. Again, my priorities were out of whack. I can see that now. Ask yourselves if you made it abundantly clear to your husband how you felt. If you were clear and he ignored your concerns that's one thing. If there is a possibility that you were a little more subtle about your concerns then I think you need to consider the possibilty that he just didn't pick up on your signals. You fell in love with this man and made a commitment. Unless you're certain his efforts aren't sincere, I would think it's worth seeing where it leads.

Is my change of heart, and your husbands' sincere? I have honestly asked myself that question. There are so many things I'd like to do for & with her right now. I'd like to talk with her on a whole different level. Would I feel that way if she hadn't discussed her change in feelings about me. Honestly, I have to admit, probably not. I was not attentive enough to notice the extent of her unhappiness, just focused on everything else in our lives. The other question I have been asking myself is that if given an opportunity to improve our marriage, could I sustain the same level of focus & effort that I feel right now? Again, speaking honestly I think that marriage does involve a certain amount of highs & lows. I would expect that there are times I might shower her with attention & time together, and others where we're bogged down with other things in our lives for short periods of time. While we might like to think it could be romantic bliss all the time, I ddn't think that's a realistic expectation. I will never forget where we're at today and how we got here, though. Knowing that will be all the reminder I need to ensure that her needs are not being overlooked. I won't always be the perfect husband. I can and will commit to doing my best and recognizing when she's not being fulfilled. All I need now is for her to understand that our marriage is worth fighting for. 

Good luck to you both. If your husbands are good men and open to identify & rectify areas where they have let you down, I hope that you'll find a way to rekindle what was lost. I believe it can be done.


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## malone (Mar 19, 2009)

Thank you for that reply. Do I believe my husband is sincere - yes. I still can't find it in me to forgive. Years of answering the phone "what do you want?" and not saying hello when I walk through the door have taken their toll on me. I came to a point where I was counting the years until my kids went to college. (I still have 8 yrs left). I lived through fantasizing about other men. I had an emotional affair whith a man who became my best friend for the last year. When I say that it could be crossing over to physical, (he's married too) I basically broke down. I knew my friend gave me everything my husband didn't - he actually talked to me, worried about me. I have had to stop speaking with this friend and that is painfully hard. My husband admits all his mistakes and I admit all mine. We have been in couciling for a month. I still feel nothing for him> I dont want to hurt him but i have to be honest with myself. The councelor told him he ignored and neglected me for 15 years. my individual counselor said I was sad and unloved. Those words have leveled me and I cannot go back. I don't know what the future will hold but for me - if I felt love for him, my life would be easier - I've been in agony since this all came out 2 months ago.


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

Malone-

I won't pass judgement on your EA. Suffice it to say I can't ever see a justification for it, and I'm sure this has complicated the situation considerably for you, your husband, and for the other man and his family.

It sounds like the neglect in your case was probably a bit more severe than mine. I never stopped caring for my wife or stopped treating her with respect & care. I can acknowledge that I didn't do enough for US, however.

My question to you is, do you feel you were clear in your dissatisfaction with how your husband treated you? Did you have open enough communication to express yourself, and did he truly listen? If your answer is yes, would he agree? I feel so dense for not picking up my wife's subtle signals & clues that she was unhappy. I'm sure to her (& perhaps you) it should have been obvious.

If you can appreciate how he may not have been receiving the signals you were sending, can you understand how he might feel that this came as a surprise & that you both deserve a chance to correct those things that led you to this point? 

Your feelings toward him are mostly negative, but weren't always that way. You felt strongly enough at one point about your relationship to marry this man, have children, & build a life together. If you could get some of that back, along with more open lines of communication having gone through this, wouldn't that be a positive result?

It sounds like I'm trying to talk you into something. Perhaps I am to prove to myself that my situation is not hopeless. Of course in the end, you'll do what's best for you. Just make sure you're clear that the path you choose is the best option for you & your children.

Hang in there & best of luck to you & your family, Malone.


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## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

Thank you for your reply - I do feel my husband is sincere - in his mind anyway. But after years of being pushed away, being told that I am the one with the problem - that he didn't have one and that half the time what I have to say is rubish and if I need to talk - that is what I have my friends for, well lets just say I am having a hard time believing that this will be long lasting. It makes me sad because for years I would have done anything for him to make the changes he is now trying to, but I just can't seem to put myself out there again to be hurt or disappointed when things go back to the same as always - us living like strangers and him pushing me away with no interest in what I am doing or who I believe I have grown to be. 
I do hope for you that your wife will try, I wish I could find it in my heart to try, but I am not sure I ever will.


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## malone (Mar 19, 2009)

Maybe that is it. Afraid to put ourselves back in that place. Afraid of what we became. Maybe your wife is not as far along as I am. I know I am starting to realize it is a depression in me that I have never gone through before. And somehow I am too far deep in it to see the other side. Maybe it is self-preservation. To wake up and realize you have become someone you don't want to be - that is a horrible place to be. the wierd thing that has happened to my H and me - is that all of a sudden he is changing in ways I never even asked him to. I have raised my kids alone in the church and honestly, it was never an issue with me. 2 weeks ago, he told me he has found god and I am the one who wakes up with no faith. I hope you and your wife are in a better place. I can tell you love her with your writings.

I feel I need to respond to the emotional affair comment you made. I am not making excuses. I know when we finally talked about our feelings - i fell apart - mad at myself and confused how I let this happen. You become friends with someone without knowing what you will start feeling. Wehn we should be friends with our spouces.

will say a prayer for you and your wife tonight - that you are in a better place then yesterday. I know that is all I ask for.


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

Again, thank you both for your honesty, and especially for your well wishes & prayers. It is truly appreciated.

Malone - I found this comment particularly interesting...._all of a sudden he is changing in ways I never even asked him to._

I find myself thinking in new ways as well. Hard to explain, but let me try & help you understand. I have a new found interest in listening & empathizing with my friends & family. I started thinking about events in the lives of loved ones around me. It's not that I wasn't there for them, but similar to how I interacted with my wife, I didn't go the extra mile to help understand their perspective and help them through tough times. I didn't take the time to understand their fears & concerns. I have a new found interest in atoning for mistakes I have made in the past and asking for forgiveness from those I have hurt by my actions or inactions. This has nothing to do with my marriage, and yet it's related to the changes I can see I'm going through as a result of our present situation.

Perhaps your husbands are also going through a similar metamorphosis. It might be interesting to stick around & see how he changes!

Thank you for this comment... _I can tell you love her with your writings._. If you, a total stranger can perceive how I feel about her, I hope my wife can sense that as well. I need her to know how important she is to me, but can't express that directly right now for fear of driving her further away. If either of you have any suggestions on how I can show her how I feel without pushing her away, I'm all ears!

Thanks again for your support.


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