# feeling love/desired



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

So men help me out with this one. Due to many people's patience, I think I am starting to get the Male Dominance and Nice Guy schticks. (Thanks Deejo and all.) 

Here is one where you men may be able to help me understand. How important is feeling desired. Can you feel loved in a spousal way without feeling desired?

Background: So I had surgery recently which you may have read in the other thread. I can't have intercourse. My drive has plummeted due to that (really strange factors that I had not anticipated) and to a lot of life stress lately. But I, apparently, have not just been disinterested in sex. DH says that my desire and my affection are down. I had a really hard time understanding what he was trying to say to me. So I am checking with you guys to see if my new understanding might be on target.

The removal of SEX and even sexual play was not what bothered him. He felt rejected and unloved because of the withdrawal of desire. I was thinking to myself, of course I don' have desire for you. I am actively trying to suppress it to get through the next several months. So when he first told me he did not feel desire, I guess I got annoyed. Like woo hoo 8 weeks of giving you head. What fun for me.

Turns out, if I have this right, that it is the lack of the fiery eyes when I look at him, no smolder. It's the lack of sneaking deep kisses when no one is looking, or rubbing up against the backside.

Is this right? Do you feel love and desire intrinsically linked? He tells me that he feels it back in/from me. But I am not even certain what I am doing differently.

Thanks

S


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Turns out, if I have this right, that it is the lack of the fiery eyes when I look at him, no smolder. It's the lack of sneaking deep kisses when no one is looking, or rubbing up against the backside.


I think if you can regularly do these kinds of things, you'll be alright. And an occaisional "helping hand" wouldn't be a bad idea either.

Most good men are patient and understanding with respect to these kinds of things.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You'll need time to get over your operation VT. Your husband should recognise and understand that and act accordingly.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Bob, I think the thing is that I have been FEELING pressured where none is intended. Some quotes

"I just want to see you smile at me like you normally do."

"I feel we can't find our connection."

While withdrawing, I think I took away affection too. That is not good.

Anyway I thank you both for your thoughts.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> "I just want to see you smile at me like you normally do."


No hidden meanings there - just some good, straightforward communication.

I'd say try smiling at him!

:smthumbup:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I didn't realize I wasn't!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I didn't realize I wasn't!


VT you’re actually “sounding” different now to what you sounded like even just a little while back. There was me thinking it was just you. You’re sounding much better. You were obviously going through something pretty big and sometimes we do get in the depth of it … and forget to smile. And then those that no longer see our smile think they’ve done something wrong.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AFEH said:


> VT you’re actually “sounding” different now to what you sounded like even just a little while back. There was me thinking it was just you. You’re sounding much better. You were obviously going through something pretty big and sometimes we do get in the depth of it … and forget to smile.


I am the same me. I think as people get to know each other the tone that fails to come through at first is easier to read. I was never not smiling. I was not going through anything. I am just very blunt and to the point and like to discuss things for its own sake. 

I got told I was upset with responses that did not upset me in the slightest and such. I think we are just getting to "know" each other a tad better.



> And then those that no longer see our smile think they’ve done something wrong.


I don't understand.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

VT,
Actually - hands down the nights I feel the most loved are those where I know my W did not start out feeling lust/desire. On those nights her behavior is solely explainable as the desire to please me. And on many of those nights she doesn't reach the rapture - and yet afterwards says it makes her happy to make me happy. 

With that said, when desire disappears for a long time - this dynamic begins to fray. Lets face it even the most giving person feels some resentment if sex begins to seem one sided open ended. And the recipient starts to wonder if somehow they are doing something wrong....

When my W's desire goes awol - generally I leave it to her to initiate. But part of the reason for that is she won't let a full week go by without making an overture. If her offer seems a little strained or is clearly guilt driven she gets a hug and I make up some Dr. Seuss like ailment that prevents me from being able to perform. And then I am extra affectionate so she knows her offer was sincerely appreciated. 

But she can make me feel desired by touching me in a lightly flirty way during the day. BUT - this is just me - getting me wound up during the day is the one thing that absolutely creates an expectation on my part of connecting that night. Getting me wound up and leaving me hanging is not nice. 





vthomeschoolmom said:


> So men help me out with this one. Due to many people's patience, I think I am starting to get the Male Dominance and Nice Guy schticks. (Thanks Deejo and all.)
> 
> Here is one where you men may be able to help me understand. How important is feeling desired. Can you feel loved in a spousal way without feeling desired?
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> VT,
> Actually - hands down the nights I feel the most loved are those where I know my W did not start out feeling lust/desire. On those nights her behavior is solely explainable as the desire to please me. And on many of those nights she doesn't reach the rapture - and yet afterwards says it makes her happy to make me happy.
> 
> With that said, when desire disappears for a long time - this dynamic begins to fray. Lets face it even the most giving person feels some resentment if sex begins to seem one sided open ended. And the recipient starts to wonder if somehow they are doing something wrong....
> ...


MEM,

Some of the most vicious fights we've had include those nights when something was "in the offing" and didn't materialize.

I am CERTAIN I came across a whiny-assed baby when that happened.

All of us are works in progress.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I didn't realize I wasn't!


I couldn't make my ex understand this when she thought everything was great and I thought we were going to hell in a handbasket.

Sex is the greatest affirmation a guy can get that his woman approves of and loves him.

When we start jumping through hoops ... unsuccessfully to make this happen, it's a bad sign.

But ... those smiles, those gestures, those playful hugs or caresses can be equally affirming that "everything's ok. I love you."

Remove those and sex ... and you have a co-worker or colleague, not a spouse. I'm projecting, so keep that in mind. Now however, we have a different dynamic. Instead of asking her for reassurance, I just tell her; "You should smile more. It suits you." She is now VERY aware that she just doesn't give off the warm fuzzies most of the time. And I know it has nothing to do with me.

He's telling you what he's feeling, are you telling him that you feel like those statements are 'pressure'?

Hopefully the two of you can reach a satisfactory detente while you are on the mend.

And I don't know what everyone is talking about, I've always found you to be delicate, demure and soft-spoken. :butterfly:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Hopefully the two of you can reach a satisfactory detente while you are on the mend.


I think we want to not feel detached from each other for this time period, do no harm that needs to be undone. But we both have a lot of faith that all will be well. We can look at each other and smile and know it will be ok even if it feels weird now.



> And I don't know what everyone is talking about, I've always found you to be delicate, demure and soft-spoken. :butterfly:


Bwaaahahaaaahhhaa.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

VT,

If I understand correctly about your medical situation, you will be able to have sex a few months later, right?

Here is a touching story about me and my husband. 

A few months after we had decided to date officially, one time, I was bleeding a lot, a lot. Lasted quite a few days. I knew it was abnormal, so Boker took me to a clinic, the doctor had a test for me. One week later they called me to his clinic and he said I had something serious. He told me that I had cervix cancer( 0 stage), the doctor told me it was curable. But I didn't tell Boker clearly, you know, he didn't understand much Chinese, especially medical terms. I told him I had cancer. Do you know what happened? Boker's face went pale and he started to feel dizzy, the doctor had to let him lie on the bed. Then I made him feel better by telling him it was curable. Later I asked him why he fainted in the clinic. He told me that he was scared of losing me. He thought that I had cancer and he knew what cancer can do to people. From then on, he realized that he loved me dearly, he didn't want to lose me. We were not living together at that time, that night, he moved in to live with me, and our relationship became very stable afterwards. I had my surgery, not cervix removal, the doctor cut off the infected area, another kind of surgery. I think your surgery is more serious. Anyway, I am fine now. 

After the surgery, the doctor told us that no sex for three months. My husband was very understanding of me, he looked after me daily, we cuddled a lot, we kissed a lot, we were still showing each other a lot of affection. I did a lot of oral during those days, I couldn't make him come orally, but I gave him a lot of blow jobs, then he would masturbate and come. 

The day when we could have sex, it was so powerful that we will never forget.............................


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> VT,
> 
> If I understand correctly about your medical situation, you will be able to have sex a few months later, right?


Yes. Nothing permanently bad/



> Here is a touching story about me and my husband.
> 
> A few months after we had decided to date officially, one time, I was bleeding a lot, a lot. Lasted quite a few days. I knew it was abnormal, so Boker took me to a clinic, the doctor had a test for me. One week later they called me to his clinic and he said I had something serious. He told me that I had cervix cancer( 0 stage), the doctor told me it was curable. But I didn't tell Boker clearly, you know, he didn't understand much Chinese, especially medical terms. I told him I had cancer. Do you know what happened? Boker's face went pale and he started to feel dizzy, the doctor had to let him lie on the bed. Then I made him feel better by telling him it was curable. Later I asked him why he fainted in the clinic. He told me that he was scared of losing me. He thought that I had cancer and he knew what cancer can do to people. From then on, he realized that he loved me dearly, he didn't want to lose me. We were not living together at that time, that night, he moved in to live with me, and our relationship became very stable afterwards. I had my surgery, not cervix removal, the doctor cut off the infected area, another kind of surgery. I think your surgery is more serious. Anyway, I am fine now.


Thank god. Happiness is not having a cervix and not having to die in the process. I am glad it came out ok.




> After the surgery, the doctor told us that no sex for three months. My husband was very understanding of me, he looked after me daily, we cuddled a lot, we kissed a lot, we were still showing each other a lot of affection. I did a lot of oral during those days, I couldn't make him come orally, but I gave him a lot of blow jobs, then he would masturbate and come.
> 
> The day when we could have sex, it was so powerful that we will never forget.............................


I am scared. What if it hurts?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Yes. Nothing permanently bad/
> 
> 
> Thank god. Happiness is not having a cervix and not having to die in the process. I am glad it came out ok.
> ...


No, it doesn't hurt. Just take it slowly until you are totally recovered. We actually hurried into sex!  And it didn't hurt! I was so horny, I couldn't wait for his toy to come in. 

But if I remember correctly, my vagina was dry for a couple of years after the surgery, I had to use lube. I thought it was because of my age, but now I am very wet when we have sex, I stopped using lube last year. 

When we can't have real sex due to medical situation, affection and physical touch can still make our men feel a lot of love from us. They are loving men, they understand us. They know they have to be gentle when we are weak. We just need to do things to let them know we love them dearly! When we are healthy, they'll have their fun again!!!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I think they can exist alone one without the other and are linked together by many physical and emotional criteria. 

If your current medical status permits it... be. naked. against. him.
It doesn't need to include anything but talking, touching, snuggling, caressing, sleeping, watching tv in bed, etc. As much of that as you can get in during this period will help.

I know it sounds like I didn't read your posts but I really did.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It might hurt and it is important for both of you to know that and accept that the first try might need to stop if you are in pain. You can give him some emo anesthesia in advance by letting him know how much you are looking forward to connecting with him and how disappointed you will be if you need him to stop. The reason I suggest this conversation ahead of time is that he is going to be very very much looking forward to this. If he knows in advance that it might simply be an attempt he will be fine with that - clearly he is crazy about you. 

If however he is not prepared for that - he is likely to feel really bad for "him" in the moment and later he will feel like a selfish loser. 






vthomeschoolmom said:


> Yes. Nothing permanently bad/
> 
> 
> Thank god. Happiness is not having a cervix and not having to die in the process. I am glad it came out ok.
> ...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I agree, MEM. I have already mentioned it, though it is premature. One of the things I fear is that after all the pent upness... the desire will be to be wild. But my fears are a matter for me to get over in my head, because that is the only place that they exist. DH would never ever do anything to hurt me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> If however he is not prepared for that - he is likely to feel really bad for "him" in the moment and later he will feel like a selfish loser.


Well said.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> It might hurt and it is important for both of you to know that and accept that the first try might need to stop if you are in pain. You can give him some emo anesthesia in advance by letting him know how much you are looking forward to connecting with him and how disappointed you will be if you need him to stop. The reason I suggest this conversation ahead of time is that he is going to be very very much looking forward to this. If he knows in advance that it might simply be an attempt he will be fine with that - clearly he is crazy about you.
> 
> If however he is not prepared for that - he is likely to feel really bad for "him" in the moment and later he will feel like a selfish loser.


If I could give any woman free advice, it would be this.

A man who loves you will understand damned near anything you tell him about in advance.

Yet, so many are so hesitant.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

VT,
I do think at some point you want/need to have the "lust/priority" conversation with him. It sort of goes like this - "lust is not controllable, it is effected/affected (I have never gotten those two words straight) by many things that have zero to do with our partner". Priorities though - unsexy as they may seem are the ultimate measure of love. And ANY woman who is willing to please her man - when she is not feeling desire - is showing an extraordinary ability to put her partners wants and needs ahead of her own. And THAT is true love. 

And yes this is also true in reverse. 

As for the desire thing - if he gets words then: 
"he is hot to you even though nothing currently gets YOU hot". 

If he doesn't get words he needs to do a little exercise. He needs to self pleasure to the point of failure - whether that takes 2 rounds or 5 doesn't matter. And RIGHT then - when he is completely dead sexually he needs to look at a photo of a victoria secret model. Guess what - he won't feel a thing. At one level he can tell you he knows she is hot. And yet she won't be making him feel anything. And he needs to understand that currently that is how YOU feel. 





vthomeschoolmom said:


> I agree, MEM. I have already mentioned it, though it is premature. One of the things I fear is that after all the pent upness... the desire will be to be wild. But my fears are a matter for me to get over in my head, because that is the only place that they exist. DH would never ever do anything to hurt me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> VT,
> I do think at some point you want/need to have the "lust/priority" conversation with him. It sort of goes like this - "lust is not controllable, it is effected/affected (I have never gotten those two words straight) by many things that have zero to do with our partner". Priorities though - unsexy as they may seem are the ultimate measure of love. And ANY woman who is willing to please her man - when she is not feeling desire - is showing an extraordinary ability to put her partners wants and needs ahead of her own. And THAT is true love.


He actually finally got through to me with that a few days ago. 


> And yes this is also true in reverse.
> 
> As for the desire thing - if he gets words then:
> "he is hot to you even though nothing currently gets YOU hot".
> ...


LOL! You and he think a like in some regards.


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## tinyturt (Nov 4, 2010)

Can you feel loved in a spousal way without feeling desired?

I know for a fact my wife Loves me in a spousal way but she has little if any libido (Menopause I believe). Anyway, we hug and cuddle and show affection to each other but when it comes down to it she does it but could care less.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

There is a lot of truth in a lot of these replies. 

As a man I can say that unintentionally I link the two all the time. Its not that I want to but a rejected advance makes me feel unwanted and in turn unloved. Sure in my head my logical brain knows that she loves me but its hard to overcome sometimes.

I need to feel desired in all aspects. It makes me feel needed. Even if that is to get something down from the top shelf or kill a spider (which I am petrified of). She CAN do these things but when she chooses to ask for help I love feeling like I'm riding in to save the day. It makes me want to work harder or be more brave (especially when smashing spiders).


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