# Can a emotionally detached spouse be won back?



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I still have no concrete proof is she was having an affair or maybe an EA or maybe nothing at all. But i know she has emotionally detached herself from our marriage and doesn't want to try no matter what i throw at her. She doesn't want to see a counseler or anything. I just don't understand how someone can be married 6 years with 2 young kids and just give up. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore (I know the usual cheating line), but i'm not so sure if it reached that, she just been emotionally neglected by me over the years and has built up alot of hurt and just can't take it anymore.

Is there anyway to win her back or just apologize enough for my mistakes?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

If she has emotionally detached and willing to give up on everything then I would say she is in the midst of a affair. I dont know the whole back story of how you neglected her etc but she should have been sharing that a long time ago.

As far as winning her back dont count on it just start working on yourself everything else will fall into place.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Don't try to win her back, just focus on building up your own self-respect. If you try to compete against her biggest fears you are on the wrong playing field and have already lost by default. Affair or not, the only way to have her is to let her go and welcome her if she comes back, but she may not or you may not want her to.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I still have no concrete proof is she was having an affair or maybe an EA or maybe nothing at all. But i know she has emotionally detached herself from our marriage and doesn't want to try no matter what i throw at her. She doesn't want to see a counseler or anything. I just don't understand how someone can be married 6 years with 2 young kids and just give up. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore (I know the usual cheating line), but i'm not so sure if it reached that, she just been emotionally neglected by me over the years and has built up alot of hurt and just can't take it anymore.
> 
> Is there anyway to win her back or just apologize enough for my mistakes?


I can understand... all too well! 

I too have been emotionally neglected for 20+ years. And yes I did open my mouth and express my concerns, and yes I did things to show him how he was treating me... for years... but he never listened. Our marriage was about 25th on his personal list. By late last year I had enough... I was basically devalued to his personal cook, housemaid, and wh0re. He did not respect any of my thoughts or input, and in extreme emotional trauma in my life, he was utterly emotionally vacant. (apparently he didn't see a problem with this as a marriage) I emotionally detached for my own spirit and soul self-preservation... what shreds of it that were left. I had enough and I kicked him out. There was no way for me to think clearly, and rebuild myself with the toxicity of us living under the same roof. 
We were separated for 9 months. In that time, I worked on putting myself back together and I expressed to him (as he was wallowing in his self-pity) that he too should look deep within himself and see what he was, and what he turned into. In that time, I have regained and rebuilt my 'self', my self esteem and self worth with IC and he too went through IC and together we are in MC. In that time, and with alot of work, we are piecing things back together, now once again as a couple. I am still very cautious and guarded and very observant of his behaviour changes and slip ups... I too have changed my behaviour. In a matter of time, we will both come to understand if we are making the right changes, and if each of us are willing to be consistant to change. 

My advice... each of you really need to open your eyes, with IC and MC... create an open and honest dialogue, freely express feelings and thoughts... It took a long time in MC for my H to truely understand the magnitude of my hurt and resentment and all that he needs to do to regain my trust. If he loves me, he will step up... if he doesn't want to put in the effort.. then it is over. 

Right now your wife's love for you is swarmed with the incessant battle of negative thoughts, hurt feelings and tremendous pain... She may not want to wait it out to see if the marriage can be saved... but I definately waited until I got control of my hurt, anger and pain before I would ever make a decision about divorce. 

As one goes into marriage with complete and serious thought... the same should be afforded when considering divorce.

best wishes


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> If she has emotionally detached and willing to give up on everything then I would say she is in the midst of a affair.


Not necessarily, IMO.. I've been emotionally detached from my husband for a few years now (married over 20 years). Our marriage and our children became less and less of a priority in his life over time. After so long trying to communicate with him, trying to get him to be involved as a part of our family, trying to get him to step away from his d$%@& computer for more than 10 minutes at a time, I simply gave up. It was like repeatedly beating my head into a brick wall. After years of no response, I gave up trying. 

NO type of affair to speak of on either of our parts, simply a growing apart and ending up with totally different priorities in life after a period of time. We're still married and living under the same roof due to economic reasons. We don't argue or fight, we just live completely separate lives at this point. An affair does NOT have to be the cause of what we've gone through, though most people seem to assume that's always the case.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Avalon said:


> Not necessarily, IMO.. I've been emotionally detached from my husband for a few years now (married over 20 years). Our marriage and our children became less and less of a priority in his life over time. After so long trying to communicate with him, trying to get him to be involved as a part of our family, trying to get him to step away from his d$%@& computer for more than 10 minutes at a time, I simply gave up. It was like repeatedly beating my head into a brick wall. After years of no response, I gave up trying.
> 
> NO type of affair to speak of on either of our parts, simply a growing apart and ending up with totally different priorities in life after a period of time. We're still married and living under the same roof due to economic reasons. We don't argue or fight, we just live completely separate lives at this point. An affair does NOT have to be the cause of what we've gone through, though most people seem to assume that's always the case.



Read the rest of my comment I said I wasnt sure on the back story but most of the time in these cases theres a affair especailly giving up on it in such a early stage. I cant say much on your end because Im not in that situation however vows should mean alot although it should be two people working together but at some point in time we all grow apart but we should try and pull back together. Seems like people dont value marriage like they use too any more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe you could win her back, but why would you want to? If a woman's heart isn't with me, I have no use for the rest of her.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

RoseRed said:


> I can understand... all too well!
> 
> I too have been emotionally neglected for 20+ years. And yes I did open my mouth and express my concerns, and yes I did things to show him how he was treating me... for years... but he never listened. Our marriage was about 25th on his personal list. By late last year I had enough... I was basically devalued to his personal cook, housemaid, and wh0re. He did not respect any of my thoughts or input, and in extreme emotional trauma in my life, he was utterly emotionally vacant. (apparently he didn't see a problem with this as a marriage) I emotionally detached for my own spirit and soul self-preservation... what shreds of it that were left. I had enough and I kicked him out. There was no way for me to think clearly, and rebuild myself with the toxicity of us living under the same roof.
> We were separated for 9 months. In that time, I worked on putting myself back together and I expressed to him (as he was wallowing in his self-pity) that he too should look deep within himself and see what he was, and what he turned into. In that time, I have regained and rebuilt my 'self', my self esteem and self worth with IC and he too went through IC and together we are in MC. In that time, and with alot of work, we are piecing things back together, now once again as a couple. I am still very cautious and guarded and very observant of his behaviour changes and slip ups... I too have changed my behaviour. In a matter of time, we will both come to understand if we are making the right changes, and if each of us are willing to be consistant to change.
> ...


This is very good stuff. Exactly how the past year has been for us, but, we have been under the same roof. I am a former emotionally distant husband/father. No more. It is such hard work. One slip up and those negative feelings come back. It takes change and LOTS of time.
You have to PROVE it! I love my wife with all I have, therefore, I'm battling it out for her heart. Slowly, but surely. It's coming back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Kudos to you, Dedicated2... for fighting for your relationship and working through things. 

Marriage is a partnership, it's a two-way street, it takes hard work from both sides, and when only one person is doing 99% of the relationship work, it makes things very very .... unbalanced and disappointing


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

tigercat said:


> Is there anyway to win her back


No.

A woman who is emotionally detached will only view it as an invitation to return to the miserable past.



> or just apologize enough for my mistakes?


No.

A man apologizing once when he makes a grievous mistake, dangerous enough. Emergency use only.

A man apologizing more than once, or begging, practically always wrong in any situation. 

A woman will literally resent a man that is willing to appear so weak before her, to say nothing of her automatic loss of respect or attraction.

And understand this fact, without respect or sexual attraction, there is no hope for emotional connection. Because emotional connection from a woman to a man hinges on her BOTH respecting him AND being sexually attracted to him.

So knowing this, it is clear what to do.

Build (or rebuild) and maintain respect.

Build (or rebuild) sexual attraction.




> As far as winning her back dont count on it just start working on yourself everything else will fall into place.


This advice is correct.

Do not invite your woman back to the miserable past.

Do not apologize and apologize to the point of losing respect and sexual attraction. Do not add nails to the coffin of the relationship!

Instead, show in your actions and behaviors from today forward, that you are a man worthy of respect.

Then show by moving forward (and not returning to the past in apologizing over and over) that you are an interesting man and worthy of a woman's attraction and affections.

Do this indeed by focusing and working on yourself, pursuing your hobbies and interests (makes you interesting, get it?), and working toward your own goals for the successful future you intend to create for yourself and the one you love. This in a man is attractive to a woman.

All of this, is this: Inviting your woman to a NEW RELATIONSHIP with you, with new potential, and not merely inviting her to the miserable past. 

I wish you well.


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## jhult (Oct 31, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> No.
> 
> A woman who is emotionally detached will only view it as an invitation to return to the miserable past.
> 
> ...


Great advice. My wife and I are still living together and started MC though she says she does not love me anymore, she wants to say she tried. Today I sent her flowers. On the card I thanked her for trying and said that I look forward to new adventures together. I did not say I love you at all. I signed it as "Your Husband" and my name. There is no other person on either side, she just lost respect for me somewhere. It could be that I broke down quite a bit over the last year as my mom was dying of cancer. I hope this is not why she lost respect for me. I am a great father and husband, but I am not going to be a push over.


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

Well, my first post. Posting here because much of it sounds familiar.

A few weeks ago my W started going back to an old IC. Then she invited me to join her yesterday. I kind of figured out ahead of time that it was to solicit help to break the news to me she was done. So we both had our say and in the end she refused to consider MC or any path to reconciliation. Next week, on the day of our twentieth anniversary, we're going back to figure out how to separate. Haven't told our kids, or anyone else yet. Don't know if she's said anything to her friends.

I won't belabor the back story. But the basics are in the last four or five years the sex has dwindled to next to nothing and for her it got to the point where she has no longer has any attraction for me, she says. She loves me like a family member but feels dead inside and is not interested in rekindling anything.

Admittedly, I have put my energy into actions, and have always had trouble expressing myself emotionally. Eventually, with the stress of a job change, some migraine issues, and a long commute, and coming home to dinner making, etc. have retreated into a shell, rushing through "family time" with her and my two high-school age kids, skipping dinner, and rushing to grab a drink. Self medicating for sure. 

That is her best example of what annoys her --skipping family time and being grouchy all the time, unless we're watching TV before bed, me with a drink. We don't really fight. Just disconnected at every level above friendship.

I love her but have been sleepwalking.... Being a provider to everyone and doing 90% of the domestic chores, which she also lost interest in, is how I expressed love. 

I recognize we both need to change regardless of what happens next. I'm totally numb. Shocked that she dropped this bomb on me and won't even consider trying.

She says she's tried to point out the damage I was doing, and I selectively heard what I wanted. Or I choose to blow it off because I thought it was her being concerned for me and not concern for us.

Regardless, now it's too late, she says she's done. Her C just says it's sad, but sometimes it happens.

My W says there is no one else and I can only believe her. Have no reason to believe otherwise.

I have no idea how to get through this, emotionally, financially. 

I guess 24 hours later is too soon to be asking. 

I want to believe she'll separate and then decide I offer too much to quit on me. But right now she's saying no way -- even though she also says part of her is admittedly afraid she's making the biggest mistake of her life. I certainly think she is. But what I think doesn't seem to matter at all.

Have no idea what to do next.


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## jhult (Oct 31, 2011)

AsleepAtTheSwitch said:


> Well, my first post. Posting here because much of it sounds familiar.
> 
> A few weeks ago my W started going back to an old IC. Then she invited me to join her yesterday. I kind of figured out ahead of time that it was to solicit help to break the news to me she was done. So we both had our say and in the end she refused to consider MC or any path to reconciliation. Next week, on the day of our twentieth anniversary, we're going back to figure out how to separate. Haven't told our kids, or anyone else yet. Don't know if she's said anything to her friends.
> 
> ...


Sorry for your ordeal. At least you can admit that there were times you were not paying attention to the marriage. In my case, My wife could not say that. I rub her feet nightly (hasnt happened since our separation talk), I clean around the house, I tell her I love her and hold her hand when walking with her. I take great care of the kids and have always been there for everything she has needed. I still think the biggest problem is that when my mom got very sick last year, my wife became my rock. I was no longer her rock. I am trying to change thata again, but it is hard not to be emotional when this has been the worst year of my life. 
At least she says she is going to try. She still doesnt kiss me, but I hope that will come with time. There has not been sex since the talk either. I think it might help, but who knows.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It is possible to get the emotional connection back, but you must first determine why your wife lost it. If she is having an affair, the advice to fix this is very different from the situation with RoseRed, where you have to pay attention to your wife's needs to regain the connection.

You must use every spy method you can to make sure she is not having an affair. Why doesn't she want to go to counseling? That does suggest an affair.

If you determine there is no other man, I would identify her emotional needs, and see how you can meet them. If she is like RoseRed, then you need to show her that you respect her. Spend time together doing things that you both enjoy. Pay attention to her as your wife.

I don't see how pursuing your hobbies and interests and working towards your own goals will help. But it does depend on why your wife disconnected from you. Were you a doormat that she walked all over? If so, that method may work. But if you ignored her throughout your marriage, then you need to pay attention to her needs.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

AsleepAtTheSwitch said:


> Well, my first post. Posting here because much of it sounds familiar.
> 
> A few weeks ago my W started going back to an old IC. Then she invited me to join her yesterday. I kind of figured out ahead of time that it was to solicit help to break the news to me she was done. So we both had our say and in the end she refused to consider MC or any path to reconciliation. Next week, on the day of our twentieth anniversary, we're going back to figure out how to separate. Haven't told our kids, or anyone else yet. Don't know if she's said anything to her friends.
> 
> ...


What people don't realize when they go the "emotional check out" direction is that they aren't quitting on the other partner. They are quitting on themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Time to bust out the 180.


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> What people don't realize when they go the "emotional check out" direction is that they aren't quitting on the other partner. They are quitting on themselves.


That's an interesting observation. I would not have thought it describes me, but maybe it does. Definitely some self-confidence issues here regardless of how many people tell me I have no reason to think that way. (ingrained from childhood...long story). 

But I can see how my issues make me less attractive to her over time, and eventually somewhat of a drain. (As hers to me).

I would not have said that I quit on myself. I would say that I tend to live in my head, internalize problems as something to fix on my own, and am maybe a little lazy about improving.

It's hard to get rejected suddenly after 20 years, and then start analyzing all the reasons I might have failed her.

That Girl, not sure what busting out the 180 reference is about. Is that simply working to flip all your bad traits?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

AsleepAtTheSwitch said:


> That's an interesting observation. I would not have thought it describes me, but maybe it does. Definitely some self-confidence issues here regardless of how many people tell me I have no reason to think that way. (ingrained from childhood...long story).
> 
> But I can see how my issues make me less attractive to her over time, and eventually somewhat of a drain. (As hers to me).
> 
> ...


It takes time to undo the mess. You have to learn to find happiness within you and not rely on someone else to make you happy. Marriage is about making yourself love someone even if you have no desire or motivation at that time. It is an important lesson because the emotions almost always follow suit. People just quit because they don't "feel" it or they just can't forgive. Both issues are personal development issues and must be dealt with or you are doomed to repeat it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Time to bust out the 180.


I just found the FAQs. So I get it now, thanks. Only my first day of hell.

And thanks, Dedicated, for the perspective.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

No problem. I have already been through the analyzing myself, emotional rollercoaster, grief, etc. Finally seeing some softness and caring come back into my relationship with my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

I don't want to have false hope, since she's already stated there is no hope, but that's reassuring to hear. Thanks.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Oh. I've heard it all. I have no desire for you. You can't make me love you. There is no going back. Yada, yada, yada. To a point. It is truth. There is not going back. Yes, they don't go back. What you have to do is become a new you and you can start to develop a new relationship. It starts with you, though. Once you change, she gradually follows suit. You have too much history and attachment for it not to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

I hope you're right. I see it's been a year for you since you joined here. Congrats on the progress. Wednesday is our 20th anniversary. Ugh.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Thanks. We have seen progress. I still have work to do on myself. However, she is now working on her. We will be two brand new people when it's all said and done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Maybe you could win her back, but why would you want to? If a woman's heart isn't with me, I have no use for the rest of her.


:iagree:


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am taking some comfort from these posts. My H of more than 25 years told me he no longer loves me. But he still wants to come around the house we shared, keeps me up to date on what is going on in his life. I did take it very personally, but have been trying to see that he is working some stuff out for himself, that isn't very directed at me. I am going to IC, so is he. We tried MC, but I don't think we were quite ready. I have no idea where we will end up, but I am not in a hurry to find out right now.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Lon said:


> Don't try to win her back, just focus on building up your own self-respect. If you try to compete against her biggest fears you are on the wrong playing field and have already lost by default. Affair or not, the only way to have her is to let her go and welcome her if she comes back, but she may not or you may not want her to.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Yes... but it's hell to go though! Complete and total mental anguish.

Took me two years to win my wife back emotionally.... now it's just a matter of time for the sexual aspect to return better than ever.

It takes a DEEP LOOK IN THE MIRROR.... action, time, patience, understanding and never giving up.

It takes becoming a man she respects in essence a NEW IMPROVED you!

It takes wearing that wall down and in my case shocking her straight at the appropriate moment after enough time has passed, new behaviors constant and seeing some bricks fall making her wall weaker. So I could finally break through to her.

Get to the point where you are ok WITH or WITHOUT her... only then will the shock work.

It takes coming out of it with an absolute win/win scenario for both of you. Use this to YOUR advantage it's not ofter you get a do-over in life. Keep your eye on the prize and NEVER waiver.

It's hell but totally worth it... It's a marathon always remember that.
For better or for worse... live by that line always.

She gets a better husband and I get a much more sexual wife. Win/win
From there everything else falls into place. A new solid foundation.. a better marriage.

Well worth the effort. Well worth the hell she puts you through.

PS.. I think counseling is hog wash. Take ownership of your situation. No counselor can fix your marriage only you can! There is plenty of info out there... save your money. Start doing. This is between you and your wife... not a third party! Unless she's cheating.

PS...There is no quick fix. Its a lot of seeing nothing until you finally break through. It's a long laborious process with little in the way of positive reinforcement ever. Until you get to the end. Two years until I felt better.


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## jhult (Oct 31, 2011)

I am so grateful for these posts. I messed up yesterday and cannot take it back. My wife means the world to me and I am trying to rush things way too much. It is such a shock when your life as you know it is turned upside down in a matter of an hour. I still hold hope for fixing our marriage as it is very little things that have built up in her over time. I wish someone other than me would tell her that it is worth fighting for. She told me she no longer wanted to go to counseling, but she changed her mind last night and is going with me today. I hope someday she will love me again.


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## AsleepAtTheSwitch (Nov 11, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> It's a marathon always remember that...
> 
> Well worth the effort. Well worth the hell she puts you through...
> 
> PS.. I think counseling is hog wash. Take ownership of your situation. No counselor can fix your marriage only you can!


I can clearly see it's a marathon. 

At this point, I don't see how she'll even be present for that marathon, however. She wants to move on to a different venue altogether.

I don't expect anyone, IC or MC or otherwise, to fix the marriage because she's not interested in participating in that goal. She cares about me, but not for me. 

She's in full mid-life crisis mode, ready to dash on with a new life of fun "before it's too late." So I understand I only represent the anchor that is going to drown her if she wastes time trying to fix our issues that I never saw as being as serious as they apparently were. I wrongly thought that 20 years of marriage and the stress of raising kids and getting them to college automatically came with complacency, boredom, compromise, etc.

I'm awakened to the fact that this was a lousy attitude. Or just numb stupidity. Or willingness to settle for a shallow definition of love. So it's me that needs to be fixed (her too, but that's irrelevant) before there is any hope of the marriage being fixed. I think that's what I've figured out so far.

I'm not sure yet whether a IC should be part of this project to fix me. I tried it about five or six years ago when when the first signs of trouble crept in. We started with the MC, but I felt ganged up on, and they shipped me off to my own IC. But I never figured out what that had to do with my marriage. The discussions mostly centered on my own anxieties.

What I guess I never figured out, or what my IC never helped me see, is how my own anxieties have affected my W & Ks. My coping mechanisms (living in my own head, working hard at being the provider, self medicating) weren't very smart. I was a lot less smart than I was telling myself.

When my wife tried to get me to go back to the IC a few weeks ago, I made excuses for not going. I didn't think I had time or energy to waste on fixing me. She thinks merely asking should have been my cue that it was about our marriage. I was, well, asleep at the switch....until she got tired of waiting and threw the switch herself to send a thousand volts right through me.

Now that I'm shocked back into reality, if nothing else, I see I need to work on me. For her. Or for whomever I hope I can find a balanced life with again. I need to figure out a better balance so I can be happier, with or without her, and so I can be someone who is more fun and lovable in addition to being a great guy, a great provider, a steady partner, blah, blah, blah.

I think that's where I am, changing what I had become. Whether a IC figures in that metamorphosis, I'm not sure. Do I simply need to start making friends and pouring myself into a new life, and assume the rest works itself out? Or do I get help with all that? I don't know. As I said, I thought I was smarter than I am, so I am reluctant to be so flip about getting help, even though I agree my last go-round seemed pretty superficial.

Right now, we still have not told the Ks and I don't yet have a placed to move to. I've told no one. Unless you count those here reading this. So maybe I need to slow down and tackle one issue at a time. It's a marathon, you're right.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think it's about winning them back, but more about making them remember why they fell in love with you in the first place.


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## Gino68 (Oct 21, 2014)

BigBadWolf your posts are very insightful and useful.
You say this:

So knowing this, it is clear what to do.

Build (or rebuild) and maintain respect.

Build (or rebuild) sexual attraction.

Big question is how? how do you rebuild sexual attraction when your woman tells you she is no longer attracted to you and claims it has nothing to do with physical aspects? How do you make yourself desirable again mentally and emotionally? How do you put behind past mistakes and wrongs?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Any man who tries to win-back a walkaway or detached wife is destined to lose in the long run.

"I have neglected her for so long" is one of the most common phrases used to describe the feeling of husbands who have been betrayed, cheated on or simply left by their wives. Almost NONE of these wives deserve to be won back. Most of them fail to realize their 50% share of the blame and paint their husbands black until it's too late to reverse the hurt they've caused.

Once their husband moves on to better women, most of them start regretting their decision. It's such a common theme I can't believe there are no famous books on it.

When a wife says "I love you but I'm not in love with you", you simply let them go and file for divorce. That woman can never be your ideal partner in life. She has destroyed the trust you once had in her feelings for you. That trust can almost never come back. Why would you want to live like that?

Own your 50% share of the blame, attend counseling to forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, improve your sex rank and move-on to a better (more loyal) partner. Be a man.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

It must be close to Halloween. So many zombie threads.


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