# Is it selfish to do this for myself?



## lostinthought23 (Nov 27, 2014)

I don't know where to begin.

I am not in love with my husband. I love my husband. He is my friend. But I have no desire to be affectionate/sexual with him (and those things are really important to me). I also am fairly certain I can not live with him forever. He is so inconsiderate sometimes and we just are two very different people. That was fun when we were in our 20's. Now that I'm 30 and have a son under 2.. things are very different. Sometimes I am embarrassed of him. Or the way we live.

My parents divorced when I was young and I have a lot of mixed feelings about the impact a divorce would have on my son. I don't know if it's better to stay and be unhappy (what does that teach him?) or leave and he will have to watch me learn to be independent for probably the first time in my life and who knows how the joint custody situation would work. 

I do not want animosity between my husband and I at all. But I know there would be. He is very devoted to me, except for his denial about his alcoholism. He loves me and I know he finds me attractive and has desire for me. I thought that maybe we could fix the romance and passion, but I don't think that anymore. He is a wonderful man, but I do not want him. Is that terrible? He will think so.

I am terrified of being alone. But that is part of what makes me feel like I need it. I need to be able to take care of myself. I stay at home with my son. I have no income. I have no savings. I have debt in my name. I am financially trapped, and I feel like that is terrible too. To stay because of money. My father has passed and my mother and I are estranged. I don't have anyone to go to for help if I need it. What if I can't find a job that pays for daycare? How do I pay my credit card bills?

I don't have anyone to confide in. I know I need to find the answers within myself, but I kind of just need to vent or get it out or something. It's so big and so heavy. I get tired every time I sit down to write about it. I'm so overwhelmed.

Am I just supposed to try to shake this off and just go on? Don't I deserve a life on fire? Is there such a thing as a happy healthy passionate marriage? Or do people just settle? Do I put my needs first? Or those of my husband? And what is really best for my son? Will I ever know for sure whether I am doing the right thing?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you need more details about your relationship. You mention alcoholism, but what else is making you think you want a divorce? Have you talked to your husband? Have you talked to a lawyer? 

You may also want to consider talking to a counsellor. Your problems aren't going to go away just because you're not married. So trying to work on yourself before leaving your marriage may make sense. 

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We really need more details of your situation.

Can you give up more details on your husband's alcoholism? 

what is his drinking pattern? 

How does he behave when he's drunk?

Besides you loving feelings for him, what other negative impacts does it have on his life (and your life).

Why are you embarrassed of him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And more details,

You say that you don't have any money but you have a credit card.

Do you do the shopping, like for groceries? If so, how do you pay?

Do you have a car?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

lostinthought23 said:


> I don't know where to begin.
> 
> I am not in love with my husband. I love my husband. He is my friend. But I have no desire to be affectionate/sexual with him (and those things are really important to me). I also am fairly certain I can not live with him forever.
> 
> ...


My goodness, lostinthought23! You're just a hot, wet mess, aren't you!

I cut a few bits out of your original post, and lets get started, taking it from the top!

You like your husband, but you don't love him. Sex is important to you, except with your husband. You can't see being with him long-term, and you are terrified of being alone.

You have a hopeful, whimsical outlook on shared custody-

"and who knows how shared custody would work out? Teehee, sounds like a great adventure!"

The husband is a drunk, and desires you.

You want to be a strong, independent woman, and you WILL be, after you figure out how to get a job, pay for childcare, and pay off your debts.

You need PASSION, dammit! Don't you DESERVE a life on fire? Why, yes, YES YOU DO! I would further posit that you DO deserve a happy healthy passionate marriage, one that includes an emotionally and intellectually fulfilling career which you do out of interest, since you also deserve a husband who is so wealthy that you don't have to work if you don't want to.

Oh, wait. You already seem to have that last part covered, and that's not good enough for you.

Ahem. So definitely put your needs first. Son's needs a very distant second. Husband's needs not at all- he just married you, supports you, and desires you. BO-ring.


Look, person, I don't mean to be rude. And I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. And maybe your husband gets drunk and beats you or something awful that you haven't seen fit to add to your story, yet.

But until you do, the question I have is, are you stupid?

You describe a less-than-perfect marriage, and wonder if you could get to perfection, and that's just really stupid.

Because the marriage you describe is a pretty frickin good life.

You have a husband who loves you and wants you.

You have a husband who is successful enough that he can support you and a child, and you can focus on your son, rather than having to work 5 days a week, pay for daycare, not be late picking your kid up from daycare, not wondering if you'll get in trouble if you have to take time off from work to take your kid to the doctor, not arguing about who is taking care of dinner, and the list goes on and on and on.

You have a good life.

And now we look at how you respond to life handing you this bounteous feast.

You like your husband. You don't love him. You don't find him attractive. You don't desire him.

You are so self absorbed that you can waste time fantasizing about how you and your husband will get along just swell if you dump him, shared custody will be GREAT! Of course, you'll be getting child support, and you seem like the kind of gal who'll try to wring spousal support out of the poor fool who doesn't really know the woman he married well at all.

You are such an entitled narcissist that you sit there wondering whose needs come first, yours or your infant child's. You "deserve' a, let's see, "a life on fire." A "happy healthy passionate marriage."

I have to think that your husband is doing well enough that his job includes some mental health and counseling benefits. I suggest you avail yourself of them.

Or you can go do some volunteer work at a Women's Shelter and see how swell single motherhood is in the real world.

But if you are just beyond help, then go for it- dump the boring loyal sucker you temporarily married, probably for security, and get out there and find out how much fun you can have.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lostinthought23 said:


> I don't know where to begin.
> 
> I am not in love with my husband. I love my husband. He is my friend. But I have no desire to be affectionate/sexual with him (and those things are really important to me). I also am fairly certain I can not live with him forever. He is so inconsiderate sometimes and we just are two very different people. That was fun when we were in our 20's. Now that I'm 30 and have a son under 2.. things are very different. Sometimes I am embarrassed of him. Or the way we live.
> 
> ...


So,

Who is the new guy you've got your eye on?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It does sound like she is lacking direction in life and this often happens when a woman stops working.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> My goodness, lostinthought23! You're just a hot, wet mess, aren't you!
> 
> I cut a few bits out of your original post, and lets get started, taking it from the top!
> 
> ...


wow, well overboard, and with a lot of passion. What's your story, I wonder...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think NotLikeYou has some decent points.

Your situation is very common unfortunately. The main problem is in your brain and how you perceive things.

Get the book "What Women Want" by Daniel Bergner. It has a lot to wade through but some great insight into women going through the same thing you are.

Some good tips for you as well. You do have it good. Try understanding what makes you tick before you rip everyone's life apart. I would wager you don't even have a clue about your own inner workings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> wow, well overboard, and with a lot of passion. What's your story, I wonder...


You know, in all my time posting on TAM, no one has ever actually asked me this question.

Now, normally, I'm a pretty focused person. I try to give commentary suited to the OP and whatever problems they choose to share with the big wide world of internet strangers, and avoid fruitless side discussions such as why are modern women so gosh darn mean, why are modern men such gosh darn pussies, and why am I obsessed with midgets.

But lostinfoolishness seems to have left the building.

So Ima answer your question as best I can.

Because, WandaJ, I like you. I've been reading your posts, and I see a witty, insightful person in your words. A person with endless curiosity. A person not afraid to ask hard questions, like

"What is NotLikeYou's problem with midgets, anyway?"

The first thing you need to know about me is that I am a survivor of CSE. That's right. Childhood Shipwreck Event. Its why my writing is, well, overboard.

People think the lake is a big place, where canoes can easily pass without running into each other.

People are wrong.

I still remember that horrible summer, way back in 1963, at Camp Yolanda. My parents sent me there as a High School graduation gift. I was 25.

Until you have been in a canoe wreck, you can't imagine the screams, the terror, the horror. All you can think of is keeping your head above water, getting that next breath.

I would have died that day, if not for Counselor Billie. He kept yelling to me, over and over, "Stand up, NotLikeYou, the water's only 3 feet deep there" but his words didn't register- to a young kid drowning, all that matters is sinking or swimming.



Damn triggers. Every time someone describes my writing as "overboard," I go back to that summer of madness.

Ahem. To continue.

Look. My writing to lostinthought was filled with passion, because her dilemma strikes very close to home.

As a guy, I know all about just feeling friendly towards guys, not really loving them, and not wanting to have sex with them. And in the dead of night, when I stare into the abyss and it is staring back at me, making funny faces, sometimes sticking its tongue out at me, I wonder if maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Maybe I SHOULD love guys and want to have sex with them, not just be friends with them.

Wow, this got weird in a hurry.

I think I'll just cut this little exercise in creative writing off RIGHT NOW!

Because all goofing off aside, this thread really is about lostinthought23, even if she never ever comes back.


Again, she could have been leaving out some details like "alcoholic husband beats her regularly" that would completely change the picture, but based on what she wrote up, she seems like she has a decent life.

She seems like she doesn't appreciate that good life, or the effort it takes on the part of a spouse to maintain that decent life.

She dreams of a life of adventure and passion, and seems not to understand that life isn't a romance novel. She wants life to be "on fire," and doesn't seem to understand that lives on fire usually end up burned up in ashes. She could have a life on fire just by appreciating what she's already got, but she is too stuck in fantasy to realize that.

So I suggested therapy, volunteer work, or jumping into the water and swimming as a range of choices she could take to attempt to make her life more enjoyable.

If you're disappointed that I didn't give her the electronic equivalent of a slap on the butt and a "You GO, girl" exhortation, well, the "dump your husband and go for it" choice kind of is the "modern empowered woman" answer, I think.

At least if she does that, she'll be able to look back years from now with regret at what she threw away. But sometimes its better to execute a leap of faith, and that may indeed be what the OP needs to do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OO, if you are still reading, try to make a financial plan. How about staying a few more years until your son is in school, and seeking job training?

You will need to tackle that debt. And you need to learn good financial habits.

I am sorry you feel trapped. And I am sorry your husband is in denial about alcoholism.

I hope making a plan gives you a sense of control over your life, and hope for the future.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Sometimes people fall out of love, it happens. It sucks for the person who has been fallen out of love with but it doesn't mean you are a bad person.

I think you should really think long and hard if you actually want to live without your husband, if you think that would make you happy in life again. Definitely do what you can to save your marriage, if you think you can and if you can be happy in it. 

I would also start looking at my future, such as a career and a live without you husband.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like 1 more person who is placing the responsibility for their happiness on another...

OP what have YOU done to create passion and spark in your marriage?


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