# Spouse Advise Needed Talking about FEELINGS



## primnaug (Aug 29, 2015)

I need advice. I try to talk to my wife every single day about our day and things like that. And every time we talk she somehow turns any conversation about her and her past, experiences, opinions, and feelings rather than discussing or just "talking" (if you can't empathize with this statement then you might not get my problem). Sometimes, when I want talk about my issues, she turns the attention back to her. It makes her come across as kinda self-absorbed - which I know she's not. Any time we talk she constantly uses the phrase "I feel" or "I had a revelation today about life (which she has often). I feel..." which at first doesn't seem like an issue, but it can wear someone down over time. I don't want to tell her that she should stop telling me how she's feeling because I do want to know what she's thinking and feeling-just not all the time. When I talk to her sometimes I want a conversation, not a therapy session. If I do tell her, I'm worried she might shut completely off and would never talk about how she feels. Well, that's all. Thanks.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Are there any women that are not like this? 

Your wife sounds pretty normal to me. Just keep the communication going. Small talk will not get you anywhere.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yes, there ARE women NOT like this out there. Some of us do listen and don't need to talk about ourselves all the time.

Women frequently will use/share their own experiences as a way to show, "I understand" and to show empathy. This is not one of those cases.

OP, I know what you're talking about. My mother is this way, and I'm sure my father could commiserate with you. Every convo ends up being about her.

I've stopped trying to talk to her about things, and I've stopped initiating conversations. If she gets on a "me me me" bent, I just tune out and stop participating.

It's not the healthiest behavior (passive aggressive on my part, maybe), but trying to talk to her about it (the healthy thing) doesn't work.

And this has had a positive effect. She actually listens to me now, sometimes.

But I live 2 hrs away and only see her occasionally. I have know idea how to manage this type of behavior with a spouse.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Just a few questions to further understand.

Is there also always something that is just "not quite right", always room for improvement? Is there a right way to do everything, according to her? Does she zealously guard your free time, and try to insure that it is spent with her?


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## primnaug (Aug 29, 2015)

@Forest: Not really. She just always wants to drive any conversation we have to be about her. She isn't overbearing (at least not all the time) but it's just that I feel like I'm more of a therapist and she is my patient telling me constantly how she feels and thinks.
@FeministInPink: Thanks for your input. But unfortunately, I am unwilling to have a long-distance relationship


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> OP, I know what you're talking about. My mother is this way, and I'm sure my father could commiserate with you. Every convo ends up being about her.
> 
> I've stopped trying to talk to her about things, and I've stopped initiating conversations. If she gets on a "me me me" bent, I just tune out and stop participating.


Lol, pretty much describes me as well. I go to my happy place in mind (I don't know why, but this typically involves midgets ) when having these conversations, and usually just try to catch a few key words from the conversation so I can sound like I was listening :grin2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

primnaug said:


> I need advice. I try to talk to my wife every single day about our day and things like that. And every time we talk she somehow turns any conversation about her and her past, experiences, opinions, and feelings rather than discussing or just "talking" (if you can't empathize with this statement then you might not get my problem). Sometimes, when I want talk about my issues, she turns the attention back to her. It makes her come across as kinda self-absorbed - which I know she's not. Any time we talk she constantly uses the phrase "I feel" or "I had a revelation today about life (which she has often). I feel..." which at first doesn't seem like an issue, but it can wear someone down over time. I don't want to tell her that she should stop telling me how she's feeling because I do want to know what she's thinking and feeling-just not all the time. When I talk to her sometimes I want a conversation, not a therapy session. If I do tell her, I'm worried she might shut completely off and would never talk about how she feels. Well, that's all. Thanks.


I'm laughing because this is a common theme in our home and we actually say, "okay back to me now..." Smiling and laughing because we ALL do it.

It's getting you down and making you feel marginalized, which then kinda makes you a little angry. 

Your best shot is to make jokes about it. 

"So enough about me, how do you like my hair cut!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, was I talking when you wanted to interrupt?"
"Annnnnnd back to me now."

Literally, we all say those lines during dinner. Sometimes it gets so bad and we're laughing so much I have to step in and tell everyone to zip it while the youngest gets a chance. And then they all start talking at once again just to keep the joke going.

Often times those who are the worst at this are really just trying to connect. Reach out, hold her hand and say, "honey lemme finish this thought first." And then make a joke about it.


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