# 9 years marriage no SEX



## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

Hi all, would like to have some of your thought on my story
Here goes:

Have been married to my wife for 9 years, but never have intercourse as in penis inside vagina
Sex is too painful and before "little brother " can come anywhere near, she would withdraw or close up.
So far only petting and some Ha*d Jo* which probably 10 times every year.
Very frustating but try to be patience and hope thing would change, but they're not
She was virgin when we were married , i was not.
We born and live in south east asian, and very devoted christian, thus keeping the virginity before marriage was very important for her and i respect that.
Been courting 2 years before the wedding.

Now We have 2 kids that come from the IV (invitro) procedure now is 5 and 1 yrs old.
I was thinking back then, after childbirth the V will losen up so would not be too hurt for her to have sex... But both kids do C section cos she's too afraidto do manual labor.
Even during the pap with ObGyn nurse have to hold and make her stay so that camera can get into the vagina.

Come to the time on the wrong time and wrong place ", i havd an affair and lead to sexual intercourse with other women.
It come about 1 years ago, and able to hide it from her all this time. With the OW, my sex life is over the top, one night we can do 3 rounds, also the emotional connection that is clicking all time.
I realize doing this make me a jerk ... Or am I? But during this whole affair i feel no regret of whatsoever. 
Now im am thinking to come clean and confess everything to her, not to ask for forgiveness rather to clear this whole things up so we both can move ahead

Been talking to her about my frustation all this time and about 6 months ago said dont love her anymore, and feel like were just parents not spouses, said i never had intimacy with her due to no sex relationship all this time
She cried during the talk, but nothing is done afterward by her.. Not any reconsiliation act or anything to rectify all this mess by her whatsoever.
Told her to go to therapist she reject, and also suggesting to go to Dr for suggestiin,, also rejected.

what should i do...???


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I don't know about the laws where you live, but in the United States and many other countries, you could get an annulment instead of a divorce, because your marriage was never consummated. 

I think it's time to leave this situation, unless you are willing to put up with another 9 years of a sexless marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't consider you married since it's never been consummated. I think you're on the right track. Tell her and use it as a way to springboard the end of your relationship.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Looks like you have already mentally left, now it's time to physically leave. I don't agree with you cheating but I do understand why you did it. I really hope you are able to move on and find someone who is willing to be with you every way possible

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't condone your affairs. 

If you want to give it one last try, tell her you have been with other women and see what difference it makes if any. 

She may actually know. 

My overall feeling is divorce but that's expensive and you have a family 

Give her the unfettered truth.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree with telling her. But please don't give it any more tries. It's been 9 long years. It's over.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I DO condone the affairs (that's not something I ever thought I'd say...) But 9 years and 10 handjobs a year?

On the flip side, you have two kids, 5 and 1. So the first one was born after 4 years of marriage. That's 4 years of no sex, and you still thought it a good idea to have children????

Here's what I would do. You are both devoted Christians and you also have two young children, further complicating things. So divorce is not a great option, if it's even an option at all.

Go to your wife, tell her you can't (not won't - can't) live without sex. Leave it in her hands as to how to proceed. If she can't/won't/refuses to do anything about it, your next step is:

Tell her you don't want to leave the marriage or your family, but you would like her permission to have sex outside of the marriage. I wouldn't tell her about the ones you've already had. What's done is done. Normally I would not condone not fessing up, but in this case, it doesn't seem in your or her best interests. Besides, you've been refused sex from day 1, and you're still with her. Sex is a biological need, and you gave her many many years of chances. I'm not even sure I would call it "cheating", if you've never once got it from her in the first place. If it gets this far, you have a very valid reason for asking. If she refuses, your next step is your choice:

Either divorce/annul the marriage, on the grounds that it is, and always has been, completely 100% sexless since it began. OR, stay in the marriage, but continue doing what you are doing, seeking sex elsewhere. You've given her ample time and opportunities to provide an absolute necessity in marriage, and she hasn't come through. If she doesn't wake up after you giving her the options above, then in my books, you are free to do what you deem necessary (whether it's divorce, or going outside the marriage for sex). Just know that if you take option B, you will likely get caught at some point.

You need to present these options to her, all of which are not without merit.

Also, suggesting she see a sex therapist would be a great idea. Unless she has some sort of physical abnormality that prevents her from having PIV sex, then it's clear she has some MAJOR hangups about it that need to be addressed. If she doesn't, and you end up divorcing her, she will do the same thing all over again in her next marriage, if she has one. It sounds like she doesn't think this is abnormal behaviour, which could be a product of a ridiculously strict religious upbringing in which sex is bad and evil and the work of the devil.

By staying by her side for 9 years, this has only shown her that it is okay.

(edit): it occurred to me that if you are in a highly religious country/area, and your wife and her family (or you) are all very religious, then never having consummated the marriage may save you from the backlash and the stigma carried with divorce. That kind of saves your skin a little bit, if it ever gets to that, and I wouldn't be surprised if anybody in your family or circle of friends would not take your side.



clipclop2 said:


> I don't condone your affairs.
> 
> If you want to give it one last try, tell her you have been with other women and see what difference it makes if any.
> 
> ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not sure why you would want to start over with this woman. It sounds like she has no intention of ever having sex with you.

I've been through in-vitro as well and I'm surprised she could go through with that. That was not a day at the country picnic. Did you guys tell your doctor that she is not infertile - she is still a virgin and this is why she's not pregnant? It seem the solution is a lot more simple than going through an extreme route to reproduction. 

Bygones. 

Well, it sounds like you are nothing more than friends and co-parents anyway so why does it matter if you are married?


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I've been through in-vitro as well and I'm surprised she could go through with that. That was not a day at the country picnic. Did you guys tell your doctor that she is not infertile - she is still a virgin and this is why she's not pregnant? It seem the solution is a lot more simple than going through an extreme route to reproduction.


She actually has some fertility issue where her egg will not grow normally and ovulate unless given medication.
Doctor suggest IV, but never discuss our Sexual life (or non-sexual life) with the doctor (pride issue). but mention that sometimes it hurt to have sexual intercourse

During one of the series of fertility treatment she did Hydrotuba and during those procedure her hymen broke. Doctors told me.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

If her hymen is broken and she lives in a strict religious country, she will probably not be able to remarry. That could be an incentive for her to try more, she wouldn't want to be a single mom for the rest of her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

No, its not really that strict religious here.
We're quite liberal here in Indonesia in terms of pre marital sex. 
Divorce is also very common here. 
Its just our upbringing background that is quite strict.

As she also come from a brokenhome family, so divorce concept is quite familiar from her side. 

whilst from my side none of my core family ever divorce or separated and my parents is hapily 36years married couple. So divorce never occur to my mind before and willing to eat it up all this time, as i also wish that i could follow my parent footstep,, 
Just cant take it anymore i guess


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alibaba70 said:


> No, its not really that strict religious here.
> We're quite liberal here in Indonesia in terms of pre marital sex.
> Divorce is also very common here.
> Its just our upbringing background that is quite strict.
> ...



I am just disgusted by this cowardly example of your culture! You took a Christian virgin as a wife, had serious sexual dysfunction, never sought out medical treatment for it, then fell in love with another woman, now you blame that on your wife. If your culture places such a premium on virginity and sexual ignorance for women then it is YOUR job to seek appropriate help and get it fixed. But YOU haven't done that and now you want to leave her.

Cowardly, blame shifting, sexist ignorance!


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

So quick to judge Anon pink

FYI . Well i did try, i offer her to go to doctor check for any solution, and therapist maybe. I even stated if she need me to come and company her i would, But all she refused saying no need for that. Its only her mental thing... 
Tried that not just 1 time but several times with no avail

So probably next time asked before condeming others to avoid looked foolish and uncultured as youself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alibaba70 said:


> So quick to judge Anon pink
> 
> FYI . Well i did try, i offer her to go to doctor check for any solution, and therapist maybe. I even stated if she need me to come and company her i would, But all she refused saying no need for that. Its only her mental thing...
> Tried that not just 1 time but several times with no avail
> ...


Really? Then why did you write this?



> Doctor suggest IV, but *never discuss our Sexual life (or non-sexual life) with the doctor (pride issue). *but mention that sometimes it hurt to have sexual intercourse


Oh sure you did, tried real hard didn't you?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I think there may be some language issues at play here, Anon.

The impression I get is that he offered to accompany her to the doctor but she said no. In which case the only person not telling the doctor about the lack of sex would be the wife.

Whatever, it's a sad state of affairs.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I think there may be some language issues at play here, Anon.
> 
> The impression I get is that he offered to accompany her to the doctor but she said no. In which case the only person not telling the doctor about the lack of sex would be the wife.
> 
> Whatever, it's a sad state of affairs.


Yeah, that's how I read it, too. It sounds as though it's been talked about with his wife, and he's suggested seeing somebody, but she's refused.

When they saw the Dr for IV, it's really up to her to bring up that subject, not him. You can't go in there as a couple and have him blurt out "my wife and I have never had sex, what can you do for her?"

On that note... OP is also at fault here. He's NINE years into this. Not only that, there are kids.

I think if any one of us guys here ever found ourselves in a situation like this, we'd be gone after 6 months. The conversation would go something like this: "I knew you for 2 years before we got married, we've now been married for 6 months, and you haven't/won't/can't have sex with me. Maybe it's time you saw somebody? No? Okay, best of luck to you."

The issue isn't so much that she has a problem (physical or mental), it's that she hasn't done anything to solve this problem, either on her own, or at the suggestions of her husband. After NINE years.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, I didn't miss the difference. You can't apply western culture on part or some. We have to apply his whole culture on the whole sorry disgraceful state!

In a culture that places a premium on sexual purity and ignorance for their women, it is the mans responsibility to LEAD. In All Situations.

Alibaba and his 70 excuses failed to lead. HE never talked to a ex pert. HE never talked to any doctors. HE never consulted experts...but instead left it up to a phobic, terrified, ignorant and no doubt fairly young woman to boldly say to the doc... "Hey doc....I can't tolerate sexual intercourse due to pain and my fear, and have subsequently generalized that fear to all thing penis related so I don't ever even go there, and was wondering if there is some pill I could take?"

No, Mr. Excuses didn't seek help but left it up to his wife to do. A terrified phobic wife. And what have we learned about phobias kids? They get worse and never get better on their own. No woman with a phobia of sexual intercourse is going to willingly seek help on her own. Why? Because she KNOWS it will mean she'll end up having said intercourse...the very thing that terrifies her!

Now, did Mr. Excuses know this about women with sexual phobias? Probably not. Yet as a Christian, the leader of his home, the ultimate authority of his home... He did not seek answers, did not seek guidance, did not seek understanding. He told her to take care of it, then had an affair.

I lay this entire problem at his feet alone. Who is the leader and who is the helper? This is the burden of leadership.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And another inconsistency/excuse...



> I was thinking back then, after childbirth the V will losen up so would not be too hurt for her to have sex... But both kids do C section cos she's too afraidto do manual labor.


Since when do medical doctors do C sections without medical reasons? :bsflag:


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> And another inconsistency/excuse...
> 
> 
> 
> Since when do medical doctors do C sections without medical reasons? :bsflag:


Things different here from where you are from, you can go to any hospital here and ask for C section procedure, hell even some of the doctor would suggest C section on every patient he/she handled, which mean more money for him and more money for the hospital

so again ask before you barging anymore ignorance words, it only shows how judgemental and ignorant person you are. at least research before you making accusation and save you from any more embarrassment 

We did mention to doctor that sometime is hurt during intercouse and he said its okay and normal and give some ointment to make body part less sensitive and less pain.

And how do you know that i didn't do hours of research on word VAGINISMUS thus suggesting her to go to doctor for a further consultation and examination, which she plainly refused.

I'm not blaming all this on her, i also play part in this mess up. I waited too long! thats my mistake. i should've come to this point many years ago.
I really thought she will also make a team effort and make this work! together as a team.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alibaba70 said:


> Things different here from where you are from, you can go to any hospital here and ask for C section procedure, hell even some of the doctor would suggest C section on every patient he/she handled, which mean more money for him and more money for the hospital
> 
> so again ask before you barging anymore ignorance words, it only shows how judgemental and ignorant person you are. at least research before you making accusation and save you from any more embarrassment
> 
> ...


And yet I remain unconvinced. Since you have searched for vaginismus...you are now armed with info. You have also been challenged, by me, to take the lead and do something. You can do what is right by her, or search for ways to justify leaving the mess you played a huge part in making.

What does your strong "Christian" back ground dictate?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> And yet I remain unconvinced. Since you have searched for vaginismus...you are now armed with info. You have also been challenged, by me, to take the lead and do something. You can do what is right by her, or search for ways to justify leaving the mess you played a huge part in making.
> 
> What does your strong "Christian" back ground dictate?


Geez Anon, don't you know that girls who are raised to be sexually repressed in a strict religious environment are automactically turned into highly sexual wives at the moment the ring goes on the finger? Geez, the poor hubby is wondering why his virgin wife malfunctioned, and he was so patient to wait and stay married to her. Even had kids by IV, that must've been rough on his ego poor thing. God bless him for getting a mistress on the side, at least he does not have to suffer.

He did all he could, darned virgin wife didn't activate like she should have on the wedding night. He should just return her to the virgin poon shop and exchange her for a new model.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

techmom said:


> Geez Anon, don't you know that girls who are raised to be sexually repressed in a strict religious environment are automactically turned into highly sexual wives at the moment the ring goes on the finger? Geez, the poor hubby is wondering why his virgin wife malfunctioned, and he was so patient to wait and stay married to her. Even had kids by IV, that must've been rough on his ego poor thing. God bless him for getting a mistress on the side, at least he does not have to suffer.
> 
> He did all he could, darned virgin wife didn't activate like she should have on the wedding night. He should just return her to the virgin poon shop and exchange her for a new model.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:

:rofl:


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

It would be truly sad if any of my post was part of the OP's thought process pre-marriage. Even more sad is that this happens all over the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Couldn't agree more. Have seen several posts similar in the short time I've been here. All from countries with highly restrictive views about female sexuality.

For jiminy's sakes, you raise a daughter with hell fire and brimstone to guard her precious hymen...telling her all sorts of horrors about men and sex, horrors about women who are unchaste, ignoring actual education...what the hell do they expect to happen? The men are no better, because it's not like they're getting education about women (because it doesn't seem to exist even in the medical community in these cultures) so they access porn thinking this is how women are supposed to like sex! It's the perfect storm for sexual phobias! And bottom line, which is the saddest IMO, a life time of really bad sex for both!


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

It is almost like these societies feel that the earth would erupt in flames if women felt any positivity in their sexuality. They shame women and shame genuine female sexuality which leaves the men porn to learn from. Porn shows women being aroused at the drop of a hat, no foreplay and no tenderness. All the guy has to do is show up with a boner.

This does not help anyone, and it causes these problems. I think that wherever the OP is from that IV fetilization is so common that they probably don't ask questions anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Are you still cheating?


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

techmom said:


> It would be truly sad if any of my post was part of the OP's thought process pre-marriage. Even more sad is that this happens all over the world.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Virginity was never part of the checklist when i'm looking for a spouse, as i'm not virgin my self. I'll take her for whoever she is as long as i love her.
I was celibating 6 years before my marriage (sex is a distant memory) and vow to give sex only to my special one, well it turns out to be 15 years of celibating and the sex wasn't with my spouse.
during those 9 years time i sometimes cope with help of porn and masturbation (if you could say its a help at all), well i thought it could at least buy me some time until somehow, somewhat, somewhen we'll find a solution for us.
I also understand both of us not very well exposed to sex life prior to our marriage and need times, of which i'm willing to endure.
Even when we tried to have sex and fail to intercourse, i sometimes asked her to at least finish me with a HJ, and she replied "but giving you HJ all the time will make you a selfish man!" , so sometimes she gave me one sometime she didn't! (Swear to God not making this up!) 
tell me i didn't try enough!
During her 2nd pregnancy, she never ask how can she help with the sexual issue as i'm not allowed to touch / carress her during those time, she said she too tired and too much in discomfort, and give me 1 i repeat (ONE) HJ (those 9 months length) of which i'm half begging her to gave.
I've tried taking her on 2nd honeymoon, do things slowly and have a long and nice foreplay beforehand, go to romantic dinner and movie. up to the point of giving up trying and just let things goes as it goes.

some detail that i would like to add before any generalisation of my intention on making things work for us were made.

I initiated a very serious talk with my wife around 6 months ago. I said that I'm falling out of love from lack of intimacy all this time. Intimacy that comes only from sexual connection. in reply she asked "must you have sex relationship to become closely connected with other person? " (WTF??! are you 9 years old?)
I also stated that feel not happy with this marriage, and feel that we are only roommates and parent-mates, but not a lover/ spouse.
On that occasion also said to her she most likely has VAGINISMUS issue and ask her to go to doctors/conselour and seek help, of which i'm willing to support and be there for her.
She reply " its not a vaginismus, just be more romantic and more gentle to me, it'll open up.."
I simply replying "haven't i not being trying all these 8 1/2 years?"

3 months later she initiated another heart to heart conversation, and this time i come with a confession that i do masturbation to fulfil my need all these time. She said sorry, and ask me to forgive her, I hesitate to answer and she just left the conversation hanging out like that.

My internalisation after those 2 conversation was, she denying there were any issue with her sexuality physically. The problem was me, i was not tender enough, i was not romantic enough, i was not sweet enough to turn her on. (DENIAL!)

And i thought after 1st conversation she would sense danger in the marriage and at least do something. When your spouse said things that he/she fall out of love from you etc2, you know its the red alert sign for you to react.
But nothing's done by her to show any effort to remedy this marriage, or to win my love back.
if there's any hope or sign of effort made by her to make things work i will surely left my OW that time.
Each time got home from work only to find her playing with her ipad , and her level 68 candy crush game, with google key word like: "Jamie Olivier cook recipe", "kids birthday party idea", "2013 oscar nomination"
but not a single word of "vaginismus", "painful sex", "married without sex", not a single faking word

I'm not trying to justified my affair, it is wrong and i will reap the consequences of my wrongdoing later in this life or another. 
Rather its an precondition act out of desperation.

you're right anon, of me being a coward.
I'm too afraid of losing my children , i'm too afraid to lose face in front of my family and friend (divorce is not well accepted in my social circle), i'm too afraid of been seen as a failure. It's the indecisiveness and over tolerant that fail me.
For letting my word of "better and worse , in sickness and health, till death due us part" been taken so grantedly.

but never a sexist as i always respect her as a mother of my children as i ever respect my mom, and always protect and provide for her as i always to my lil sis.

Made my decision of not being afraid anymore!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'd stay on for the kids. I also have an unconsummated sexless marriage and we also did the fertility clinic thing (artificial insemination) in order to have two kids and although it's been 20 years with no sex I'm glad I stayed on. If you divorce the wife always gets the kids and I for one could not live without my kids full time, they are my only living relatives.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'd dump her sooner rather than later. It's been 9 years. You should know by now it will NEVER get better. The longer you wait the worse it will be.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Excellent! So does this mean you're ready to enforce some boundaries and expectations while offering leadership type support?

You find a sex therapist and YOU make the appointment. You go with your wife, having already explained you cannot and will not live in a sexless marriage with a woman who refuses to understand how important intimacy is to loving relationship. You tell her this is her problem but you will support and encourage her along the way. But she will go to therapy and she will participate or you will divorce her.

Give it 6 months of her going to therapy every single week. If you do not see appreciable changes, leave her. WorkingOnMe is right, it is unlikely to change without serious consequences hanging over her head, consequences she doesn't want. But you have left this problem for far too long so you MUST give it the ultimate care, concern and honest effort. You must be firm and clear in your expectations.

Personally, I don't blame you for having an affair. But you have allowed your marriage to be one of zero intimacy and have not confronted the problem. You must end the affair and work on your marriage. In 6 months, if she hasn't established an understanding of the importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage, go back to the OW, after you have left your wife.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I am just disgusted by this cowardly example of your culture! You took a Christian virgin as a wife, had serious sexual dysfunction, never sought out medical treatment for it, then fell in love with another woman, now you blame that on your wife. If your culture places such a premium on virginity and sexual ignorance for women then it is YOUR job to seek appropriate help and get it fixed. But YOU haven't done that and now you want to leave her.
> 
> Cowardly, blame shifting, sexist ignorance!


Wow, talk about blame shifting. You think he is responsible for her being this way? His job to get her help? It is common knowledge what he needs (sex) and his W is well aware. Her actions are emotional abuse and should be seen as such. She is the problem. He has been a coward and that is obvious. He should have left her after the first week of marriage IMO, but a coward is a coward.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent! So does this mean you're ready to enforce some boundaries and expectations while offering leadership type support?
> 
> You find a sex therapist and YOU make the appointment. You go with your wife, having already explained you cannot and will not live in a sexless marriage with a woman who refuses to understand how important intimacy is to loving relationship. You tell her this is her problem but you will support and encourage her along the way. But she will go to therapy and she will participate or you will divorce her.
> 
> ...


I agree with this logic say after a month or two of marriage but 9 years...nope. more months of this is a complete waste of time.Time to move on, leave her and begin your life. Your cheating is cowardly and needs to stop. You need to man up. I do not think your church would look at you any differently as a divorcee than they would as an adulterer.


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

Your wife may have vaginismus. Extremely painful vagina. Intercourse is impossible for her. Treatment has varying degrees of success, but first she has to go to a physcian and tell him.I dont understand how she can go to an OB/GYN and the physician not note that even a simple pelvic exam is painful.
Truthfully, you cant continue like this. You dont have a marriage. You can still parent with her.
But you have to start a life for yourself.


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

RaiderGirl said:


> Your wife may have vaginismus. Extremely painful vagina. Intercourse is impossible for her. Treatment has varying degrees of success, but first she has to go to a physcian and tell him.I dont understand how she can go to an OB/GYN and the physician not note that even a simple pelvic exam is painful.
> Truthfully, you cant continue like this. You dont have a marriage. You can still parent with her.
> But you have to start a life for yourself.


During the pap exam, the nurse has to hold her down. And sometimes took good 5 minute for the pap to get in.
One of the doctor even got so frustated with her, and just left her on the chair , failed to do pap exam.
Obviously this vaginismus case may not be very common here as some doctor that we talked to ,only suggesting her to get more aroused by watching porn, get more relaxed by drinking alcohol , and give some painkiller ointment (of which we all did)
They did mention this probably vaginismus case, but never come up with concrete solution. Just vague answer
We only have 1 sex therapist here nationwide,country of 250million population (just recently research)
Sex is taboo and not to be openly talked.


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## alibaba70 (Nov 19, 2013)

dontbeused said:


> I agree with this logic say after a month or two of marriage but 9 years...nope. more months of this is a complete waste of time.Time to move on, leave her and begin your life. Your cheating is cowardly and needs to stop. You need to man up. I do not think your church would look at you any differently as a divorcee than they would as an adulterer.


Yes, as mention before i was down to the point to accept all of this sexless life to keep my children family intact, to keep them from separation scar in their heart, to save face from divorce, and running away from reality through porn thus affair.
Encounter with OW actually open my whole prespective, it shows me that i'm living a lie all this time and i keep running away .
If i dont stop this i would destroy my whole life and life of people near me.
A "0" intimacy marriage is not a marriage at all. My chldren would surely understand when they grow.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok. So why are you still stalling? Tell her it's over. There's no time like the present. Or are like the rest of the guys here with the conveniently moving deadline?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You only have ONE sex therapist in the entire country? Surely you have more than ONE Psychiatrist; surely more than ONE psychologist; surely more than ONE trained marriage counselor; surely more than ONE OB-GYN. You can't find ANYONE to go to to discuss this situation?

Why are you continuing here on this anonymous forum where people have made various suggestions, all of which you find fault with or some excuse why you cannot take action as suggested?

And you've existed for NINE years like this and have two children and what exactly are you expecting to find here? Every suggestion made you find untenable for your situation. 

Then go back to your sexless marriage and live out your days.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I call shens.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I call shens.


shens?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Maneo said:


> shens?


Maybe she means shrek?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Mr B said:


> I'd stay on for the kids. I also have an unconsummated sexless marriage and we also did the fertility clinic thing (artificial insemination) in order to have two kids and although it's been 20 years with no sex I'm glad I stayed on. If you divorce the wife always gets the kids and I for one couldn't not live with my kids full time. Although in my case they are my only living relatives.


Do you intent to stay with your wife after kids grown up and left the family home? I never been in sexless marriage and cannot imagine I ever would, but I suspect that kids are just one reason to stay and there are other reasons (or excuses) as well...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Maneo said:


> shens?


Another word for b.s.....


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Aerith said:


> Do you intent to stay with your wife after kids grown up and left the family home? I never been in sexless marriage and cannot imagine I ever would, but I suspect that kids are just one reason to stay and there are other reasons (or excuses) as well...


I married late, in my early 40's and didn't have kids until mid 40's. Now that they are grown up I'm too old to leave. I tried finding sex partners all through my 50's without much luck. I think now that I'm in my 60's if I was single I'd simply end up alone without sex instead of married without sex.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I can understand if sex is painful why she wouldn't want to have it. And not getting it checked out is not only hurting herself because she will never experience the pleasure sex can offer. Now what I don't understand is why she isn't doing everything but sex with you? Why only 9 hj's? Why isn't she offering oral and vice versa? There are so many other things that can be pleasurable besides intercourse. What am I missing about her not wanting to do those things?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Maneo said:


> You only have ONE sex therapist in the entire country? Surely you have more than ONE Psychiatrist; surely more than ONE psychologist; surely more than ONE trained marriage counselor; surely more than ONE OB-GYN. You can't find ANYONE to go to to discuss this situation?
> 
> Why are you continuing here on this anonymous forum where people have made various suggestions, all of which you find fault with or some excuse why you cannot take action as suggested?
> 
> ...


Your married to a real life virgin mary. I'm surprised after 9 years of marriage that she is still a virgin, and that her hymen was burst by physicians while she was married to you.

Vaginimus is treatable, these days it's treatable to a high rate of success. 

I would get her to consent to you getting your need filled out of the marriage, but also make a condition of a true attempt at treating her vaginimus.

I always have to ask. What was life before and during sexless to now where you have an explosive sexlife. How much has your overall quality of life improved?


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