# What would you call this?



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Hey everyone. I just joined fairly recently and I need some advice. 

Several months ago my husband was talking inappropriately with a few other women. With one of me whom he's known since kindergarten basically. They were talking about how she hadn't had sex in a long time as she's going through a divorce and that she was really tight in that area. He said something like well I'm sure you can find a way to deal with that or something to that effect. With this situation I get that she's a very dear friend of his but I didn't think that it was an appropriate conversation to be having. He didn't see a problem with it because of the fact that they were so close.

The second time he was texting this girl late at night. Now with her I don't know much about but I think they may have had a thing before we met. Later on I happened to see the text because he had me check something on his phone and it was talking about how he really missed her and how they should have gotten together and how he had liked her and such. Oh and there was something about him saying he would show her something if she showed him something.

The last time, which actually happened before the conversation with his friend about her not having sex in a long time was between him and this girl that I don't think he knew very well. They we talking on Facebook and she was asking him to judge her bikini photos because she was trying to be a model or something like that. At first he'd said no he didn't think it was a good idea, but then he later turned around and said ok send me some. So she did. 

Of course I was hurt with all of these situations. In a sense I feel as though he was cheating on me. Even though he didn't actually have any physical sexual contact with any of them, it still feels like that to me. I have forgiven him for each of those times but I'm still hurt and I can't help but be suspicious sometimes because he likes to hide what he's doing on his phone or his iPad. Also the fact that he frequently changes the pass code on them kind of throws a red flag to me as well. 

I just wanted to get some other opinions as to what this could be called if that makes any sense. I don't want to keep feeling uneasy about it as I have forgiven him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wow! This is ridiculously inappropriate. 

Have a talk with him about boundaries in marriage. If he doesn't want to cooperate then tell him you will continue the conversation with a family law atty. 

(and mean it)

It's total bullsnot. He needs to drop (like a hot potato) all his girlfriends - he has a wife - (for now)


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I definitely will talk to him again but I'm afraid that if I do tho that he will flip and say I'm bringing up things that have already happened and I've already forgiven him so why do it? I'm sure that's what he'd say


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell him you've been considering your marriage and want to have a long, strong, and healthy marriage. Tell him you love him dearly but will never, ever, again put up with his socializing with other women if their conversations are not appropriate. 

What's appropriate? Anything he wouldn't mind having you, his mother, and his children (future if none now) hear. 

Ask him how he wants you to behave with other males. (if he says he doesn't care - it's a very bad sign for the future of your marriage)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Tell him you've been considering your marriage and want to have a long, strong, and healthy marriage. Tell him you love him dearly but will never, ever, again put up with his socializing with other women if their conversations are not appropriate.
> 
> What's appropriate? Anything he wouldn't mind having you, his mother, and his children (future if none now) hear.
> 
> Ask him how he wants you to behave with other males. (if he says he doesn't care - it's a very bad sign for the future of your marriage)


:iagree::iagree:

Very inappropriate. Telling this girl that they should have gotten together is telling you that he made a bad choice in marrying you. He is trying to recapture his youth in a very stupid and juvenile way. He needs to stop one way or another. Be firm. This is how affairs get started.

I never look at girls, text girls, phone girls etc... It leads to bad things and if I did, my gf would castrate me!


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Sad thing is that when I have asked him how he'd want me to behave with guys he's usually like just don't be stupid about it


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Saying they should have been together is a "red flag". He is fishing. You only say things like that if you would like that to be fixed - i.e. they get together now.

It doesn't sound like anything has gone further, but might be an idea to do some more digging before raising this.

Either way, I would go ballistic about that one comment - except that is the wrong thing to do. 

I believe you need to have a more in depth talk than one about boundaries as any reasonable person would know that his comments are just plain wrong.

You need to call him on it. Get him to answer for himself. Tell him he cannot talk like that with other women and stay married to you.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Sounds to me like he is looking for a girlfriend on the side. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

He needs to understand that what he's doing is disrespectful to you. You are his wife ... he should not be disrespecting you!

He needs to drop this so-called childhood friend (she is not a friend of your marriage as it seems she is flirting with him as well). And he needs to resign from his job as bikini contest judge. If not, then start talking about marital boundaries (as it seems he doesn't have any), mutual respect and divorce ... see if that gets his attention.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> I definitely will talk to him again but I'm afraid that if I do tho that he will flip and say I'm bringing up things that have already happened and I've already forgiven him so why do it? I'm sure that's what he'd say


If this is his reaction, this is manipulation. He is manipulating you to keep off his back and to shut up so he can carry on with this behaviour. If he is regretful of his behaviour, he will be understanding to your issues and needs. 

Big red flag of a desire to cheat if he speaks to you like this when you bring it up.

It sounds from what you say that he is swiftly getting drawn in to the idea of having some extra sex on the side. To avoid him doing this, the ONLY way forward is to come down on him like a ton of bricks. This is TOTALLY unacceptable behaviour! Don't fool yourself, this is very serious, and it needs some equally serious consequences. I.e. divorce. You can always halt proceedings if he sees the error I'd his ways.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He just lost it yet again. Throwing clothes at me, threw the suitcase, flicked my ipad out of my hands and onto the linoleum floor which broke the case yet again, and told me to jump off a bridge while rubbing his penis on me. Luckily he will be leaving soon to go do something for the rest of the day.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

And I don't have any money of my own to pay for a divorce either


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Yeah she was talking about being physically tight in that area because she hadnt had sex in months


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We are 26


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We were talking about the gun laws in Michigan where he's from and how stupid they are because I can't open carry my gun there as I'm not a resident from there yet he can conceal his and he was acting like he was better than me and I basically said he wasnt being cool.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I said in your other (identical) thread, you need to take yourself and your kids to a shelter ASAP. And I also agree with another poster on that thread that you should get a restraining order against him. He is abusing you and YOU have got to put a stop to it.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm most likely going to now because he threw my suitcase out the front door ans is calling me horrible names. What do I need for a restraining order and is it different with the military?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> I'm most likely going to now because he threw my suitcase out the front door ans is calling me horrible names. What do I need for a restraining order and is it different with the military?


Talk with his CO. Do it right away. He is being physically abusive and that only ever goes one way.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

His CO is a douche but I can try it.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Oh, I don't know much more about the armed forces. I know many on here do so perhaps post another topic asking for help along the lines of

"Abusive husband in armed forces need help".

I am so sorry this is happening to you.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you so much for all your help and support everyone. I am currently looking into options to see what is best and easiest. I just hate that my kids have to see and hear his crap.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Go to his top kick if he is enlisted - 

Also, look in the phone book for a local chapter of battered women's shelter and seek advice about obtaining a TRO in your area.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He is enlisted yes. The issue is that the people to include the command he works with basically looks down on anyone who isn't them


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

With the current atmosphere of sex-abuse scandals in the armed forces it's doubtful that your complaint, or any complaint for that matter, will be lost in the shuffle. 

Ask the top kick for written procedures in filing a complaint for abuse. Tell them you'll go to the civil authorities if need be.

Is he prone to physical violence? I mean has he ever struck you in anger?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He's thrown things at me, yelled in my face, shoved past me, claimed he was defending himself and consequently hit me by moving his arms even though I'd done nothing, shoved me down the hallway after I'd had surgery, and stepped on my foot and pushed me down


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

This is worrisome. Is he a hothead or has he done these things in a drunken stupor? 

I think you may be in a great deal of danger if he discovers you've gone to his CO. Call the local women's shelter and seek advice about how to best proceed in the safest possible way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He could be playing with fire. He could be an idiot. Hey. He's a man, it happens! 

I must admit that I have had some conversations with female friends and colleagues which were probably as "inappropriate" (for want of a better word) as those of your husband's.

I wondered why the conversations had started. My only conclusion is that I was "Friend zoned" and/or considered safe.

However, if those questions/conversations upset my wife? Then they'd never happen again.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He is a hothead. He drinks but very rarely and when he drinks it really isn't much. One goos thing is that he refuses to get drunk around me because of what my ex husband did to me when he was drunk. He's admitted he has anger issues but doesn't want to help them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have relatives living near by? Or close friends? Somewhere safe you can go to in case of emergency?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Friends yes


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Family is too far away to easily help


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tiny,

Do you think you are in a good marriage? Is it a loving relationship most of the time? Do you both do many things together and as a family? 

IOW, is your marriage one you're proud of?


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I would move out/file D immediately, as well as report him to the police for assault. you don't deserve that and you definitely don't want your kids seeing you be treated that way. Just think of what you would want your daughter (if you have one) to do if she was being treated the way you are. This guy sounds like he deserves to be alone and I wouldn't envy any other woman who is stuck with him.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Contact the base Chaplin. They have more power than you would think (and they are officers so their posting and rank have their priveleges).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I never thought to talk to them! I will go do that Monday as they are swamped on sundays! Thank you for that suggestion


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I never thought to talk to them! I will go do that Monday as they are swamped on Sunday's! Thank you for that suggestion


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Never thought of that! Monday I will go talk to one. Thank you for suggesting that!


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Never thought of that! Monday I will go talk to one. Thank you for suggesting that!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Your welcome. I am sorry for your situation and hope all works out for you. I was not married while in the Military but saw first hand how much power they actually do have. They will know what to suggest and whom to talk to, and they are generally well respected and trusted in their judgements by the chain of command. It is funny too how they are not considered to be going out of the chain of command when they are approached for issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Sorry for thw double post. Phone spazzed on me. And I agree with you.


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