# Sex question for the men



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey guys, I have a question. As you know, I'm separated from my husband, and am on my way to divorce (have already met with my lawyer). I'm not sure how this dating thing should work at this point, and if it's okay for me to be doing so. At any rate, I've met someone who I find interesting; we've been talking for a little while, and have seen each other a few times now. Ironically, he's the same age as my STBXH (47; which is 8 years older than me). He's physically not what I would usually be attracted to, but how he treats me puts him puts him on another level. He shared with me that he hasn't thought about or had much sex in the last 2 years, and has just concentrated on being a good Dad, which I think is commendable. I ended up spending the night at his place this weekend, and of course things ended up happening. He ended up not being able to hold an erection the first time we tried. He apologized, I chalked it up to jitters and over-expectation for the first time in a long time for him. The second time, he apparently came, but I'm not 100% sure; I don't think he was fully erect that time either because I couldn't feel him inside of me. 

So, here's a question for the guys: is this a normal thing to have happen after so long of being sexually inactive? If so, does it improve? One thing that caused STBXH's and my relationship to eventually sour was our lack of intimacy/sex, and I really don't want that to happen again. I genuinely like this guy as a person, we share some commonalities, but are different enough to keep each other on our toes. Should I just ride the wave for a bit to see if things improve, and then go from there, or cut my losses and tell him I'd just like to be friends? I should add that he's a fantastic kisser, and is pretty decent with his hands.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Performance issues are quite possible. 

Have you come right out and told him what your stamina is? What your needs are? If so, what was his response?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I should add that he's a fantastic kisser, and is pretty decent with his hands.


Does that mean he took care of you? If he didn't bail. If so, give it a bit more time, I'm inclined to think it's new (and first in a long time) partner nerves. Do you know if he takes any meds?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ha, I am wondering if you are the woman I am dating, except enough of the details are different I will assume you are not!

At 47 he probably shouldn't be having medical reasons for not holding an erection, presuming he is of generally good health and not too overweight. He might have low testosterone, which would be a contributor.

However, I think it much more likely it is mental/psychological. He has probably been suppressing his sex drive due to 1) Not having an opportunity to actually realistically have sex with a woman, 2) Feeling a bit burned by relationships and being cautious about even thinking about having sex with a woman, 3) Concentrating on his kids and other aspects of his life.

On top of that, he is probably a bit nervous about having sex with someone new. He doesn't want to disappoint you. He may have noticed his body doesn't perform the way it did when he was 17. Sex with you is quite different than sex with his xw. For me, all of those are factors in my new relationship. I like my new girlfriend, and I find her body sexy. I don't have an extensive sexual history, either, so there is a lot of new ground here for me. Perhaps for your man these mental issues are at play, too.

After having difficulty getting or staying hard, the anxiety ramps up next time, making it even more difficult. My suggestion to him would be to see a good urologist for a check up just to be sure there is no medical issue at play here. Heart disease or diabetes can cause ED, and he may not know he has something medical going on. But it is not perhaps easy for you to suggest that to him. If you do discuss his ED with him, be sure to not make it about you not being satisfied. That just makes it worse for him. Instead, make it about concern for his health. In terms of discussing your satisfaction with him, be positive. He is good with his hands. You enjoy penetration as he is able. You will work with him to find things that you both get enjoyment out of. This is to take the mental pressure off of him.

When you're in bed with him, take the focus off of his erection. If he is getting soft, do something else right away. Redirect his attention if you can. Take his hand or mouth and do something with it. Move to a different position.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@hope4family -- Yes, I've been really upfront about how high my drive is, and I think he can garner from that what my needs are, or at least, that I have some needs. His response to that was that he may need viagra to keep up with me. I initially thought that he was kidding, but now I'm not so sure!
@CharlieParker -- Yes, he did, with enthusiasm, but if it turned him on, he didn't show it. Afterwards, I asked what I could do for him, and he said that he was good. The next morning is when we tried it again. I'm also inclined to give it a bit more time (how much though??), and thought the same thing about the new partner nerves. I'm thinking that if I display patience and no judgement, his confidence levels will rise, and hopefully other things will also rise! No, I'm not sure if he takes any medications.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Get the Viagra. Not a slam at either of you that he needs it at 47.

Get him to a doctor. ED can be a sign of heart disease.

Get him to a gym. He could get away with being out of shape if he wasn't having sex with a woman. Now, at his age, he needs to be in tip top shape in order to make it good for you.

Between the doctor, the gym and the Viagra you guys should be able to create a mutually satisfying sex life. In time. Not necessarily by next weekend. Do you both have patience to wait? Can he set is ego aside and do what needs to be done? Both of you will learn valuable lessons about yourselves and each other by monitoring how you react to this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A couple more thoughts.

Viagra is a possibility, but there are some better choices. Staxyn is a very quick acting form of Levitra. I feel it in 12 minutes (yes I have timed it!). So it can be essentially spontaneous sex other than a quickie on the kitchen table while the coffee brews. Cialis has a low dose daily pill which would have him ready at any moment.

T supplementation may be the answer for him. It will rev up his sex drive a lot, too! He'll be wanting to hit it all the time. It may solve his softness problem, too.

My girlfriend is very different in bed than my xw was. Her body feels different, too. It's all good, but it is different. Somehow it distracts me a little bit, and then I can lose focus. Maintaining an erection is more difficult as one gets older, so losing focus can start the process of getting a bit soft, which then ramps up the anxiety a bit. Some call it jitters being with a new partner. If I were you, I wouldn't write him off yet. Give it a bit more time.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Here's a couple of legit reasons (at least in my mind) I can think of as to why this may have happened:

1. Not sure how old his kids are, but it is back to school time. This is really stressful in general. If he's a single parent with a job on top, it's a really hard time. It's possible he just got off a really stressful week, was stuck in "Dad mode", and was either physically tired or had a lot on his mind.

2. Even if things are totally over between you and your husband, technically, your status is still "married." Maybe this subconsciously bothered him just enough that it interfered with his intimacy. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to move on, but if he is as good of a person that you make him out to be, there could have been a very slight moral dilemma in the back of his mind. If this could be the case, do be patient. Once this reason for his subconscious moral dilemma is past, the sex should naturally improve.


In any case, I don't think there is a lot to worry about yet. If I were you, I'd be patient and wait to see if things turn around. Not only will you have a chance to see if the physical side works out, but you'll also be able to determine if you really like this man or if he's just a rebound. Then you can decide how much time and patience you want to spend on him.

Hope this helps. Good luck!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Ursula said:


> [I'm also inclined to give it a bit more time (how much though??)


Certainly up to you. I took a while to get going, and actually she surprised me and jumped on my morningwood. 26 years later we're both glad she had patience.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he is willing to try to please you in other ways, its probably worth waiting to see if it is just stress / excitement over a new relationship.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with everything Thor has said. I was married for 24 years. I only had sex with that woman for 26 years - no one else. I went out into the brave new world of dating as a 54 years old man without a clue. The first time I got naked with a woman after my divorce was terrifying for me - was I good enough, was I big enough, could I satisfy her, what being a bad lover the cause of my divorce, could I keep up, would I cum too soon, etc etc. Now, you know what you know. When you were 16-18, you didn't have a clue - insert tab A into slot B and repeat until finished. The questions multiplied as the seconds ticked away. I wasn't even able to get it up with all the thoughts going through my mind. She suggested I go to a doctor and I did. I got prescription and was able to overcome the performance anxiety, eventually I didn't need the pills. Give it time, talk to him, suggest in a supportive way that he talk to his doctor (if you care enough)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just because he is a good man and father, and even though you are attracted to his non-sexual qualities, having someone you are incompatible with sexually is just not going to work. You learned that with your husband. By letting this go on you will be setting this poor guy up to fail. This is not going to get better any time soon.

It is not your job to get this guy to sort out his sexual performance issues. ED can be a result of many factors and he needs to see a doctor to get them sorted out. 

Break up with him gently and then be patient until you find a man who has all the qualities you are looking for. Don't settle.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Thor -- that would be kind of funny and kind of embarrassing all at the same time! He's not in the best of shape, and could probably stand to lose 20lbs, but I could also stand to lose a few too, which is why it's not a big deal. We also have plans on getting out and walking together often, which is what we did this weekend -- about 12 kilometres (about 7.45 miles for the non-Canadian folks). He did say that he's let himself go over the past 5 years, and that that's probably a contributing factor to his performance. low-T could be a contributor for sure, and he did mention that his drive isn't what it used to be. And thanks for the med/urologist suggestions. I do think you're right though in that he's been suppressing it for so long that it's making things more difficult now. My issue now with this is how to bring this up in conversation since we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other stages, or maybe I'll just leave it alone for now and see how things go. And if/when bringing it up, I'd definitely make it about a concern for him and his health.
@Holdingontoit -- I think we both have the patience to wait this out and see how things go within a reasonable amount of time. I'm not sure if he can set aside his ego to go see a doctor and see what steps need to be taken. I've been in this situation before with an ex-BF from years ago. He was at the doctor 3-4 times a year with other concerns, but would always conveniently "forget" to ask about ED or sexually-related issues that he was having. Yeah, seeing how we both handle this is a good opportunity to really see who one another is.
@Edo Edo -- His child is 5, and doing the math, that's about when he started to let himself go. Understandable since he was on-again-off-again with his child's mother at this time, and had a new baby to contribute to the care of. He works full time, and is on a couple committees. He's also been dealing with some issues with his child lately, which has him stressing out. Plus, he doesn't sleep well, and now that I've spent a night with him, I can attest to that. Do you remember the Flintstones episode where Barney Rubble spent in the haunted house, and how he flipped and flopped all night that night? That was how much of the night went for us! And yes, I didn't really think about the moral dilemma, but technically I am still married. Maybe this did bother him a bit; I'll have to ask. 
@Ynot -- Thanks for that post; it sounds like you've had a quite a ride, and found the right woman who was patient and worked with you. I do care about this guy, and don't believe that I'm just out on a rebound because I've felt single for much of my marriage, so I'm mentally ready to be with someone. We're still getting to know one another, but what I see so far, I like, and am eager to get to know more about him and his child.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Ursula, the first time Odo and I did the deed, he couldn't perform fully.
Afterward, he admitted to me that it was because he hadn't been with a woman since his ex-gf (they'd broken up about 2 years prior) and that he was just so overwhelmed and enamored at the time that he was actually very nervous around me. I'd been a very "refreshing" woman for him to get to know... different than other women in his past life, and truth be told, I think that he was more than a bit nervous by my amorous advances after we'd been dating for several months.

The next time, he had a lot more confidence.

So, while I agree with the general sentiment that sexual compatibility is VERY paramount in a relationship, I also believe that you should give it a little time to know whether this is just a temporary issue or a more permanent one. Also try to see if you can determine whether there are any mental factors that might be hindering him (nervousness, anxiety, self-doubt, low self esteem) and in the background, try to build these things up in him. It's better to have all the facts than make a hasty decision, if you do think that the relationship could be a very positive one.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> @
> 
> [MENTION=153266]Ynot -- Thanks for that post; it sounds like you've had a quite a ride, and found the right woman who was patient and worked with you. I do care about this guy, and don't believe that I'm just out on a rebound because I've felt single for much of my marriage, so I'm mentally ready to be with someone. We're still getting to know one another, but what I see so far, I like, and am eager to get to know more about him and his child.


You are most welcome. Things didn't work out with that particular woman. She was for the most part a rebound. However I have had similar experiences with women since then. In fact my most recent was with the woman I am now seeing. At first I had a whole host of anxieties being with her. But I have overcome those as I have become more familiar with her. We spent the Saturday evening/Sunday morning together. We had sex when she got here around 6, again when we got back around 11 and then again in the morning. I think each time was better than the previous one (each was different though). No pills, just the passion that comes from getting to know each other.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Satya -- Whew, thanks! I'm hoping this is also the case here. Sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship, and unfortunately, that's one of the things that ended up being the be all end all for STBXH and I, and I share some of the same concerns that @bandit.45 brought up. I don't want to set this man up to fail, nor do I want to feel stuck/settle in another unfulfilling relationship. But, I also know that these things take some time, and that's why I'm willing to give it some time, within reason for us both.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Ursula, no one mentioned this before but when I was 47 I knew I didn't want more children and it inhibited my sex drive. I wanted sex but in the back of my mind I was concerned I might get my W pregnant so sex wasn't the free spirit event it could have been.

In your case, he might be concerned there might be a slip-up and you could get pregnant.

Now I am much older and take 2 medications, one lowers blood pressure and the other decreases the volume of sperm expelled. My point is some medications decrease sex drive and/or performance.

I read a dating forum and women say the guy they are currently dating isn't the type they had imagined they would like but they keep dating him. Some relationships make it and some don't, so him not being your type is a common occurrence.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

It has been a while for me, and even though I have never had performance issues, I will say that mentally now it is in the back of my head (hopefully not be become a self fulfilling prophecy!).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think it depends on what you expect the outcome to be. 

Don't you want some time to be a little free for awhile post divorce?

If so, I would try to move very slowly and keep things light with this guy. 

You may have to actively resist getting into a new relationship right away, because that does tend to happen and then it tends to not last. People tend to fare better if they are single free and either dating around or not dating anyone for awhile after divorce.

Proceed with caution and with no explanations of this guy being your next husband. I know that may sound absurd and like the farthest thing from your mind but ....trust me you will have to actively avoid a new relationship at this time or it will just be there, BAM!!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

When my wife and I met, I had been sexless for four years, and was separated and in the process of divorcing my now ex wife. I'm not even sure I can put into works all the different anxieties in my mind the first several times we tried to have PIV sex. Teenagers in the house, new environment, new woman, out of practice, using condoms for the first time in 20 years, are just the things that I could pinpoint. While I am normally a very calm cool and collect person, this was the closest I have ever come to imagining what an anxiety and panic attack might be like. Never showed a bit on the outside, but inside...geez...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When I first started dating after I was divorced I had a hard time mentally getting into sex because it felt wrong to be with another woman. It took a few attempts to get back into the mindset. If it's been a while for him he could just need to get over a mental hurdle. Or maybe he masturbated before you visited. I'd recommend trying a few more times and if it doesn't work then stop seeing him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I wouldn't overly worry about him just right now! Give the man some time to get acclimated to the new relationship with you! If after a few weeks, the problem continues to persist, then have him go see a urologist, or at least invest in some low-dosage Viagra or Levitra for him!

Do keep in mind that it's been ever since 2011 that Ol' Arb has been intimate, so the old fart will undoubtedly be in the same boat, greatly provided that another romantic relationship ever avails itself!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ursula said:


> @Satya -- Whew, thanks! I'm hoping this is also the case here. Sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship, and unfortunately, that's one of the things that ended up being the be all end all for STBXH and I, and I share some of the same concerns that @bandit.45 brought up. I don't want to set this man up to fail, nor do I want to feel stuck/settle in another unfulfilling relationship. But, I also know that these things take some time, and that's why I'm willing to give it some time, within reason for us both.


Is he the first man you dated since splitting with you're husband? Are you and he already exclusive? If so, it is too early to be entrenching yourself like this. I admire your patience and kindness towards him, but I think you need to try on a few more shoes before you settle on one's you will be walking in for a while.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Is he the first man you dated since splitting with you're husband? Are you and he already exclusive? If so, it is too early to be entrenching yourself like this. I admire your patience and kindness towards him, but I think you need to try on a few more shoes before you settle on one's you will be walking in for a while.


No, he's not. I had a bit of a fling with another man that I've known (and have had flings with twice in the last 10 years). I saw him a couple times pretty much right after H and I split up, but I haven't seen him for months, and would never get into an actual relationship with him. This new man and I aren't officially dating yet; we're hanging out, getting to know each other, in all ways I guess now. I'm not sure what'll happen in our futures, but for the time being, we're enjoying each other's company, but I'm definitely keeping my options open. I actually didn't even look for this man; he just fell into my lap, so to speak.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

While it may be true that age 47 is not usually old enough for a man's sexual abilities to leave him, some disease processes, like atherosclerosis, diabetes, can hasten the demise of erectile function. A period of sexual inactivity can bring ugly surprises to a fellow suffering from some of these things.

What you observe now may or may not be a warning sign. But it's probably wise if this persists more than a couple of encounters for him to see a doctor. Erectile dysfunction can be an indicator of impending disease which, if diagnosed and treated early, can be forestalled for many years, even decades.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ursula said:


> No, he's not. I had a bit of a fling with another man that I've known (and have had flings with twice in the last 10 years). I saw him a couple times pretty much right after H and I split up, but I haven't seen him for months, and would never get into an actual relationship with him. This new man and I aren't officially dating yet; we're hanging out, getting to know each other, in all ways I guess now. I'm not sure what'll happen in our futures, but for the time being, we're enjoying each other's company, but I'm definitely keeping my options open. I actually didn't even look for this man; he just fell into my lap, so to speak.


Just keep it open then. Let him know you will be dating others. It is way too soon for you to be settling for one man.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Just because he is a good man and father, and even though you are attracted to his non-sexual qualities, having someone you are incompatible with sexually is just not going to work. You learned that with your husband. By letting this go on you will be setting this poor guy up to fail. This is not going to get better any time soon.
> 
> It is not your job to get this guy to sort out his sexual performance issues. ED can be a result of many factors and he needs to see a doctor to get them sorted out.
> 
> Break up with him gently and then be patient until you find a man who has all the qualities you are looking for. Don't settle.


Ya'know my original point was a very unisex answer. Which is the same thought I would have if the OP was a man talking about a woman. After reading several posts about performance issues and problems I am now leaning towards agreeing that most of the responses have been by their own nature driven by the fact that it is a female asking about a male drive. If this was a male asking about a female, most people would at best provide caution and most advise run. 

This is not to make this a battle of the sexes. It has to do more with the OP rolling into another unsatisfying sexual relationship. Most of the advise has been centered around "there is a pill for that", "it's his belly fat", "he is tired" and so on. Which is only a small part of the problem even if one or all factors are true. Ursula, nothing personal, proceed with caution, and enjoy the intimacy when you get it.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Time can def be a factor, I would go at it more and see if it improves. I would say after a few months if it doesn't improve you may want to try other options. Have you done it since and him be more erect?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> Time can def be a factor, I would go at it more and see if it improves. I would say after a few months if it doesn't improve you may want to try other options. Have you done it since and him be more erect?


No, I haven't seen him since the weekend, and he has his child this week, so nothing will be happening in that regard this week. The second time that we tried it, I don't think he was fully erect either, but apparently he came.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'd say that its worth giving him a little time - but to keep in mind how important sexual compatibility is in a relationship. I generally believe that passion and a true desire to please can make up for most (but not all) physical issues.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Ursula said:


> No, I haven't seen him since the weekend, and he has his child this week, so nothing will be happening in that regard this week. The second time that we tried it, I don't think he was fully erect either, but apparently he came.


As widely stated, some guys just get nervous. Not getting hard and still coming is typically one of two things, imo: 1) He's very nervous and couldn't hold it back or 2) He has some other health issues.

When I first started dating my ex GF, she was so smoking hot, and I had just gotten out of a sexless marriage for over a year+, I couldn't even get it up full strength! This was a first for me, and I was in my early 30's! After a couple more practice rounds spread the ensuing weeks, and with her gentle encouragement, we ended up having the best 3 years of sex in my entire life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone! I'm going to just leave things as they are for the time being, and see if they improve on their own. If not, I'll have a gentle talk with him, and see what the options are, or which ones he's willing to explore.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I've been "seeing" a dude with ED. He was upfront about it and at the time hadn't done anything to correct the problem. He said in the past he tried Viagra (or something) and "it didn't work like he expected it would". He has not tried any meds while we were intimate. We have the most amazing chemistry and everything else is amazing, but I need a penis in my vagina! He has been pushing me away recently because he knows I need more to be satisfied. He has also been to his Dr and has been diagnosed with diabetes and is controlling that with meds. He has also started exercising to naturally increase his T....but he is still pushing me away and shutting me out. I care about him a lot, but I don't need to be treated this way after all the compassion I've given him with his issue.

So...IDK....give him some time to get that figured out and see if that part gets better. If not, like someone else said, don't settle! I'm not!

Good Luck!!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> We have the most amazing chemistry and everything else is amazing, but I need a penis in my vagina!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think the main thing is that whenever any of us say "give him time" we (at least I am not) aren't saying however long it takes, but whatever is acceptable to you. If that is a couple of more tries, that is fine, If that is several more weeks or months, that is fine too. In the end it is your life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

CatJayBird said:


> I've been "seeing" a dude with ED. He was upfront about it and at the time hadn't done anything to correct the problem. He said in the past he tried Viagra (or something) and "it didn't work like he expected it would". He has not tried any meds while we were intimate. We have the most amazing chemistry and everything else is amazing, but I need a penis in my vagina! He has been pushing me away recently because he knows I need more to be satisfied. He has also been to his Dr and has been diagnosed with diabetes and is controlling that with meds. He has also started exercising to naturally increase his T....but he is still pushing me away and shutting me out. I care about him a lot, but I don't need to be treated this way after all the compassion I've given him with his issue.
> 
> So...IDK....give him some time to get that figured out and see if that part gets better. If not, like someone else said, don't settle! I'm not!
> 
> Good Luck!!


Hey CatJayBird, I'm sorry to hear about the way he's been treating you, especially since you've had a lot of patience with him with this issue. It's good that he's looking into it and taking steps to work on things, so maybe he's just nervous about taking that next step...? It's weird, prior to this weekend, this new man communicated A LOT, which I thought was fantastic. Good morning messages every morning, goodnight messages every night, and many in between. Now, not so much. I'm chalking it up to him having his daughter this week, but that still didn't stop him last time he had her.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Good Morning messages are the BEST!! My messaging gets kinda choppy when I have my kiddos, especially in the evenings. But there really is nothing better than good morning/good night messages...all the feels...lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Hey guys, I have a question. As you know, I'm separated from my husband, and am on my way to divorce (have already met with my lawyer). I'm not sure how this dating thing should work at this point, and if it's okay for me to be doing so. At any rate, I've met someone who I find interesting; we've been talking for a little while, and have seen each other a few times now. Ironically, he's the same age as my STBXH (47; which is 8 years older than me). He's physically not what I would usually be attracted to, but how he treats me puts him puts him on another level. He shared with me that he hasn't thought about or had much sex in the last 2 years, and has just concentrated on being a good Dad, which I think is commendable. I ended up spending the night at his place this weekend, and of course things ended up happening. He ended up not being able to hold an erection the first time we tried. He apologized, I chalked it up to jitters and over-expectation for the first time in a long time for him. The second time, he apparently came, but I'm not 100% sure; I don't think he was fully erect that time either because I couldn't feel him inside of me.
> 
> So, here's a question for the guys: is this a normal thing to have happen after so long of being sexually inactive? If so, does it improve? One thing that caused STBXH's and my relationship to eventually sour was our lack of intimacy/sex, and I really don't want that to happen again. I genuinely like this guy as a person, we share some commonalities, but are different enough to keep each other on our toes. Should I just ride the wave for a bit to see if things improve, and then go from there, or cut my losses and tell him I'd just like to be friends? I should add that he's a fantastic kisser, and is pretty decent with his hands.


Unless there is some unusual emotional/mental issue, I would say he needs to get healthier.

I am 46, in good shape and take care of myself. If I went two years without and little miss you spent the night, you might not be able to walk the next day.

Hope things work out.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Unless there is some unusual emotional/mental issue, I would say he needs to get healthier.
> 
> I am 46, in good shape and take care of myself. If I went two years without and little miss you spent the night, you might not be able to walk the next day.
> 
> Hope things work out.


Yeah, that was kind of the outcome that I had been gunning for! :wink2:


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Performance anxiety can happen, but I did not experience that until I was 60. The bigger problem is rebound and age difference. What does not seem like a big difference will when he turns 60 and starts having medical issues, etc.. My sister divorced her husband for that very reason. He was living like an old man and she wanted a social life. The rebound issue is also a big problem because you are used to having an husband and it is scary to not have one anymore. Then along comes a guy who is significantly older then you and has ED. Are you willing to settle again rather than waiting for someone who you do not have to make excuses for or overlook their faults? It is very easy to make the same mistake twice. I did so with the same results and wasted years of my life.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Get him a few Viagra's until he's comfortable, it's likely a mix of performance anxiety and out of practice. Once the comfort level is there it will likely improve drastically.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Ursula said:


> No, I haven't seen him since the weekend, and he has his child this week, so nothing will be happening in that regard this week. The second time that we tried it, I don't think he was fully erect either, but apparently he came.


Do you think that is his size?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> Do you think that is his size?


Gosh, I hope not, as I couldn't feel him inside me at all, which is what lead me to believe that he wasn't fully erect. Given the first attempt, I think this is the case, but it would take more time to find out for sure.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Gosh, I hope not, as I couldn't feel him inside me at all, which is what lead me to believe that he wasn't fully erect. Given the first attempt, I think this is the case, but it would take more time to find out for sure.


I hope that is not the case also, keep us updated.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Was he drinking alcohol? That gives me problems if I've drank heavily, "whisky ****" just started happening to me in the past couple of years, I'm 40. It's embarrassing but luckily my wife is supportive. And it'll get hard again if we play with it. I just limit my intake and I'm good to go. Also, nerves. New lover nerves make this happen. I'd say keep him and if it doesn't self correct then you may need to reconsider if the sex is more important than the person.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

JayDee7 said:


> I'd say keep him and if it doesn't self correct then you may need to reconsider if the sex is more important than the person.


There is not much to reconsider. Sex almost always is more important than the person if you like sex, because poor or absent sex makes you start to hate the person's guts no matter how great they are outside the bedroom. Keep him for enough time to try a few more times. If the sex does not improve, dump him. There are plenty of women who are not into sex all that much. He will be a much better match with one of them. And you will be much happier with a man who rocks your world.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

JayDee7 said:


> Was he drinking alcohol? That gives me problems if I've drank heavily, "whisky ****" just started happening to me in the past couple of years, I'm 40. It's embarrassing but luckily my wife is supportive. And it'll get hard again if we play with it. I just limit my intake and I'm good to go. Also, nerves. New lover nerves make this happen. I'd say keep him and if it doesn't self correct then you may need to reconsider if the sex is more important than the person.


Nope, neither of us had had any alcohol that evening.


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