# Are you getting your fair share?



## Supportive spouse (Apr 22, 2015)

Hi everyone, been trolling this and many other sites for a couple of months. I have seen similar but not quite the same questions and comments I have.

Firstly I think to put my questions and comments into prospective I would like an administrator / moderator to assess this post and set up a voting system. Perhaps this will help me and possibly others who are in a similar position to understand and come to terms with the situation.

In short, I am 56 my ex 60. (small frame and has a zero sex drive)
Without expanding on this subject I believe that lovemaking (not sex) constitutes to 10% of a relationship, however when there are problems in this department it escalates to 90% of the relationship problems. 
In our relationship for the first couple of years the frequency was 3-4 times a week, not desirable but acceptable. (I am HD and detest duty sex or faking it)

For 12 years I tried everything from romancing, foreplay (anything from 60min to 3 days) searching the net for answers, lube, toys, soft porn, Doctors, Sex therapists, a Psychiatrist, numerous holidays including a month long holiday in London, you name it I’ve tried it.

Eventually it got to the point where she flatly refused any participation, and simply accepted that her body no longer required any of that kind of stimulation. (I have moved on, I still love her, just cannot live with the problems)

(to late for me but)
Do you believe a realistic (sex) frequency contract in a relationship or any new relationship would help (yes / no)

Considering that others may benefit from this discussion, what would you recommend goes into such a contract. (Obviously the knife cuts both ways and those considering a permanent relationship take note of the results of this thread, as whilst you are young this is not a problem, but the older you get it may become a problem)

In the voting table I would like to see the frequency of (sex) in a fixed relationship for the various age groups:


ZERO
Annualbracket
Half yearly bracket
Quarterly bracket
1- 3 x month
1 - 2 x week
3 - 4 x week
4 or more x week
18 – 25 year old group 
26 – 35	year old group 
36 – 45	year old group 
46 – 55 year old group 
55 – 65	year old group 
66 – 75	year old group 
75 - year old group 

Love making contract yes?no?
:scratchhead:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What would be the point of a sex contract? If the current frequency expectation (whatever number that is) isn't being met the consequences and remedy would be the same as without a contract.

The contract is simply the vehicle for stating and agreeing to expectations. However, service contracts are always dependent of the providers "ability to perform." You cannot seek damages for failure to perform if the provider is unable to perform and sex is one of those services that carries an ambiguous set of variables on ability to perform.

Bottom line, if your not getting the sex you want, or how you want it, you first seek to identify and the solve. Secondly, you seek to dissolve the union.

You can set up your own poll, BTW. Neither the mods nor admins will do this for you.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Sex contract wouldn't work for me. Sex and intimacy in a marriage has too many variables such as desire, stress, children and etc. What about spontaneity. The HD/LD relationship is very complicated. The contract would also have to take into consideration that humans have a propensity to change.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

3-4 times a week, is not desirable but acceptable? That's way more than average. Good luck finding a women who enjoys sex that much especially at your age. I think you would have trouble finding a women who would sign that contract. What if she developes an illness or her desire decreases as she gets older are you going to divorce her because she isn't keeping up with the numbers in the contract. What if your desire decreases or you develop an illness or have trouble performing and you can't keep up with the contract?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Supportive spouse said:


> Firstly I think to put my questions and comments into prospective I would like an administrator / moderator to assess this post and set up a voting system.


You can set up your own poll on your thread.

My opinion on the sex contract... you can sign them all day long, but in the end who will enforce it? Just because you signed some paper long ago, won't mean squat if you're in the mood and she's not.

My advice, rather than a contract, find a suitable partner with the same level of sexual interest.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Contractual sex? no.

I see it play out in two ways. 

First way: the contract implies that the lower drive spouse is owed something in exchange for the sex. There's already an industry that does this--prostitution. 

Second way: The lower drive spouse is NOT owed something in exchange for sex. So the only way they will provide the sex is if they're willing. If they're willing, you don't really need a contract other than as a measure to guilt them when they don't follow through, right?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ooh, sexual contract. What fun!

WHEREAS

____________(hereinafter referred to as the "husband") and ____________ (hereinafter referred to as the "wife") wish to ensure the meeting of their respective sexual needs by the stipulation of frequency, level of enthusiasm, and degree of novelty and exploration.


1. Both parties agree to an absolute minimum of regular sexual intercourse at a frequency of _____times a day and _____ times a week.

2. In the event of sickness or inability to perform at the stipulated frequency, the offending party shall have ____ day(s) to render sexual favours in full, after which he or she will be subject to penalty. 

3. The "husband" shall ensure that "wife" experiences at least _____ orgasm(s) per each sexual session. 

4. The "wife" will ensure that she displays a "satisfactory" level of enthusiasm by demonstrating at least two of the following
(a). a minimum of ____ moans at ____ decibels
(b). writhing or contorting her body at least _____ times per session
(c) engaging in "dirty" talk for a duration of at least ____ minutes or ____ words, whichever comes first (See Appendix B for list of agreed upon words and phrases).
(d) engaging in at least ____ new positions or activities, where "new" is defined as never yet done in the sexual relationship between the "husband" and "wife". 

4. The husband will sustain PIV intercourse for a minimum of _____ minutes per sexual session. 

[.....]

Failure to meet any of the above terms will be deemed breech of contract and the offending party will be subject to penalty (see Appendix C for table of penalties).


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

It is surprising that the OP doesn't want duty sex, yet finds a sex contract helpful in a marriage...


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Failure to meet any of the above terms will be deemed breech of contract and the offending party will be subject to penalty (see Appendix C for table of penalties).


I wanna see the penalties :whip: :smthumbup:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex contract? That would be risky because none of know what our mental or physical abilities will be an hour from now and certainly not for the next 60 years. Let's say you're HD and you sign a contract to have sex 5 times a week. Later today, you have a stroke or you are in a car crash or an accident at work. Suddenly, you find yourself unable to perform. You might have the mental functioning of a turnip or a 3 year old. Since you are unable to perform sexually or the thought of sex no longer crosses your turnip mind, is your spouse released from all marital obligations to you? Would you cease to be a person? You'd no longer need to be loved? 
I'm in a sexless marriage and I'm talking about going months without it. That sucks greatly but even in my angriest moment, I still have to recognize that I could become even less sexually interested than my wife tomorrow. A year from now, she might be the sexually frustrated party and I'd be the one causing her frustration, maybe without realizing it, maybe realizing it but being physically unable to do anything about it. 
She watched me trot off to war twice. She watches me hop in a patrol car and go to work every night. She doesn't know from one day to the next whether tomorrow she will be married to me or a lump of human who kinda looks like me. I could come home crazy, scarred, missing pieces, crapping in a bag, riding in a wheel chair and yet I go to work expecting to have a wife when I get back regardless of the condition I'm in when I get back. I think the best any of us can say is that we will continuously endeavor to make intimacy and sex important parts of our relationship. None of us can promise specific performance. 
We don't all work hazardous jobs but anyone reading this could easily find themselves permanently or temporary incapacitated, mentally or physically, before the end of the day. You could be a brain surgeon earning high six figures in the morning and an unemployable psych case, rolling turds into little balls before nightfall.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Contract for sex? Get real!

Like any contemplative legal mind or advocate, they'd be rather busy finding themselves a loophole to largely get out of it!*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I only like sex when I am left wanting more. If I could get enough to satisfy my desires, then, ...meh... I would not be interested. 

If I made my wife sign a contract, it would just give her the authority to not give into my demands and drive me even more crazy, cause that is what I like!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> ooh, sexual contract. What fun!
> 
> WHEREAS
> 
> ...



:rofl: you're brilliant AA!

I particularly like item 5. What pray tell might be the penalty for failure to hold an erection long enough?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> :rofl: you're brilliant AA!
> 
> I particularly like item 5. What pray tell might be the penalty for failure to hold an erection long enough?


Make sure you add a hygiene and lard clause. Also a non-sexual touching clause. If you don't touch your wife X times per day without expecting sex or you don't spend X hours of quality time with her the contract of void. You don't get to hang out with your buddies and then come home expecting sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anxiously awaiting appendix C!!!!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think this is absolutely a terrific idea...BUT without a way to enforce it or consequences for spouses who decide they don't want to do what was agreed upon, what's the point? 

The only way this would work is if a violation of the contract happens, the jilted spouse is allowed to leave the marriage without payment, alimony, child support or the usual 70% of everything. That way it would be on the LD spouse to recognize if they might have a problem with regular sex not to get married.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you need a contract with liquidated damages clauses to get your spouse to have sex with you, you are negotiating the wrong legal document. Negotiate a divorce decree and find someone who actually wants to have sex with you.

And yes, we did have a marriage counselor who suggested we sign a contract. No, not about sex, But "trading" things she wanted from for things I wanted from her. Predictable result: epic fail. Never completed one traded successfully. Don't bother trying. It never works.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

always_alone said:


> ooh, sexual contract. What fun!
> 
> WHEREAS
> 
> ...


I just applied for a position in Legal.

Also, if you have this notarized--is that considered a threesome?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

For those who expressed interest in Appendix C:

1. Orgasm deprivation
In the event a sexual session does not culminate in the specified number of orgasms, the delinquent party must forfeit any form of spouse-assisted orgasm for a period no less than one week and no more than one month. Contractual obligations to continue to provide orgasms are maintained throughout this period. In the event that subsequent sexual sessions do not lead to the specified number of orgasms, additional damages will apply as follows
(a) mandatory coursework of at least two hours per week to develop skill, OR
(b) mandatory sex therapy, one session per week


2.Foreshortened PIV

The delinquent party shall serve a mandatory minimum of 60 minutes of standalone, nonreciprocal oral sex to the deprived spouse, to be delivered at any time or times requested by the deprived spouse. If the full 60 minutes is not used in a single session, the remaining minutes accrue and can be redeemed at a future date to be determined by the deprived party. In the event that foreshortened PIV is repeated in a subsequent session, damages will accrue until paid in full.

3. Failure to demonstrate stipulated levels of enthusiasm
The delinquent party must pay damages of at least one additional sexual session where all conditions must applied. This session *may not* be used as a substitution for the stipulated frequency, but must be in addition. Failure to meet all conditions in this session will require repeat performance until those conditions are satisfied.

4. Failure to meet frequency requirements
Where failure to meet frequency requirements is due to illness or acts of God, the deprived party will receive no restitution.

Where extent and severity of the deprivation are minimal, the delinquent party must provide the deprived party with damages, which will amount to one of the following in the schedule:
(a) a minimum of 30 minutes of non-sexual touch each day. Cuddles, kisses, massages, hugs, hand-holding all apply
(b) a minimum of 30 minutes of additional household chore or "act of service" per day
(c) a one-time per week cheerful accompaniment at an event that the deprived spouse really wants to attend and the delinquent spouse does not. Minimum duration of 3 hours

Where extent and severity of breach of contract are at a maximum, this contract shall be declared null and void, and all sexual obligations and responsibilities between parties shall cease.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

We have sexual contract: it's called Marriage.

The frequency of the sex is malleable depending on our given, changing, needs and desires. We are free to deny sex at any given moment we want, without consequence, as long as it's a "not now, but soon" vs "likely never" or "who knows when". It works out damn near perfectly for us.

That's contract enough.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

My contract is absurd, no doubt, but after seeing so many stories on TAM where people have taken lifetime vows with all sorts of covert contracts and expectations of what they are "owed ", and then being filled with resentment or disappointment that they didn't get these things, it strikes me that there is some value to be had in making those expectations explicit.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Make sure you add a hygiene and lard clause.


Ba ha ha!!! THIS made me laugh!! (We HAVE been reading complaints about a lot of overweight, smelly spouses lately.)

:rofl: :lol:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very disappointed by this contract. 

It leaves out a critical component to any successful sexual experience - which is repeated invocation of your deity as you approach and then experience the rapture. 

Typically this is vocalized as: Oh God, Oh God, etc...

Lacking that, your partner is clearly in irreparable breach, subject to the full penalties specified in that section of the contract.





always_alone said:


> ooh, sexual contract. What fun!
> 
> WHEREAS
> 
> ...


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