# why do i even care



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So this morning after dropping the kids off at school, I had to run their stuff back to the ex's house. While there she runs into the bathroom, her phone blew up with texts. Yet again some strange mans name on the phone. This happens all the time. Why do I even still care if she wants to act like this? She clearly doesn't give two ****s about me.

Oh when I was there she also asked me if I'm ok, that I seem mad. Are you serious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

sorry proud - seems like a lot of us had a bad weekend, i was hoping it would be better for all of us today- hang in there, wish i had something better to say today but still kinda recovering from this weekend myself


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

People just play games.....

Don't look at her phone, I know it can be hard, but she wanted this right???


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She's enjoying hurting you....

Maybe karma will catch up to her if not std's.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I didn't even mean to look at her phone really, it was on the counter, I guess it was a naturally reaction. It just seems that every week there is a different man texting her, she is doing her best to replace me, wipe my existence out of her mind.


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## lilly073 (Apr 16, 2012)

I think she is just trying to get a rise out of you forget it or at least don't let her see it upsets you. Keep up the good work with the kids though.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh I don't let her see it upsets me, I'm short with her when we talk, I don't give her much. She asks me what's new, I say nothing. I just can't believe how much she changed really.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> she is doing her best to replace me, wipe my existence out of her mind.


That's what you should do as well. Not necessarily have sex with random women but go out, have date's and minimize your exposure to her. Each and every time you see her, you're back to square one.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I really am getting to the point of hating her! Just to see her now, how she operates under a totally oblivious nature, God I can't believe this used to be the woman I loved, and would've died for. If the roles were changed, I would at least wait until the divorce is final.

But I guess that is because my heart is still functioning, I have morals!


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I didn't even mean to look at her phone really, it was on the counter, I guess it was a naturally reaction. It just seems that every week there is a different man texting her, she is doing her best to replace me, wipe my existence out of her mind.


She's not going to be able to replace you, Proud. You're a good man. I almost feel sorry for. By the time she realizes how much she's screwed up her life, you'll have moved on and found a woman who knows a good thing when she's found it.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oldgirl,
Thank you for that comment, it made me feel good. My frickin blood is boiling right now, I need Bandit to smack me with a 2x4 to get my right I think. 

I just have to realize that she is such a vain, self centered, self absorbed person right now, who doesn't even deserve my thoughts anymore. 

Let some other man have her now, let some other man put up with her ways. She is not the person that I would want anymore anyways.

It's still tough, but I have to remember while another man may be with her, they will not replace what I had with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

proud,

You are not the only one that sees this, hence the reason for a different guy every week. I mean we guys may be dumb, but not stubid, we can see a self center, selfish b!tch and as you can see, this will be her life, and one day she will wonder why she is alone.

It has to suck to have these emty connections, especially for women, these guys will just use her and move on. Believe it or not your STBXW is sorry person, she just doesn't see it yet or masks it very well.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Agree with the guy. You think she's going to change just because she's with other men. She will be the same person with all her negatives. Others will not tolerate her behavior and dump her. Maybe it's going on right now. 

Feel lucky you don't have to deal with her anymore. It's natural to fear change. I'm going through it right now. It's not easy but I'm adopting a new attitude of F her. I get an opportunity to live life to the fullest now without all the BS and unnecessary stuff. I now there will be days when I won't feel as energetic but I just have to deal with it and get on with my life. Proud you'll be fine.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I really am getting to the point of hating her! Just to see her now, how she operates under a totally oblivious nature, God I can't believe this used to be the woman I loved, and would've died for. If the roles were changed, I would at least wait until the divorce is final.
> 
> But I guess that is because my heart is still functioning, I have morals!


You've got to hate her. I'm struggling with much the same thing, as you know. I, fortunately, do not have to see her ever again by choice. I'm trying, _trying_ to hate her because thats how she acted towards me at the end. She treated me like a stranger, with dissregard and no remorse. No other emotions. Remember all the horrible things she did. Remind yourself that she is out there messing around while you are still legally married. That is just _wrong_. That shows you what she thinks about you and the life you had together. All just smoke and ashes now. Smoke and ashes. Everything about that life, aside from your kids, is gone. Doesn't apply anymore. Hate her, hate the life that she's started to live.
Maybe in a few years, you can try to be friends again, but right now focus all your emotions towards her as hate and anger. Sounds mean, but thats what she did to you.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I think it's very hard to hate someone who's the mother of your children. There's a connection there that can't be broken. Personally, I'm working on feeling indifferent towards my wife. I don't want to hate her but instead not care or be affected by how she's doing or what she does. I think when you hate someone it has the effect of keeping that person in your life althought that's not what you want. 

Not sure if this analogy is good but it's like a baseball team. I'm a Mets fan and hate Chipper Jones of the Braves. This year he announced his retirment. I will hate rooting against him. I hope I made my point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I don't think hating works.

What you likely need to realize is that this person wasn't who you thought they were.

It's likely you're dealing with someone that has the emotional age of a small child. So, if you can see a small version of them stomping their feet with a rattle, you can actually laugh.

(Don't let them see you laugh)


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

You know I realize that fundamentally yes she is acting like this, but I have control over how I react to the situation. Like Conrad said, I have to work on getting indifferent. We did share a great marriage for the longest time, I don't want my memories to be poisoned. 

I want to just not "feel" towards her. Her life is her life now, she is the only one that has to deal with her consequences, not me. 

As much as this hurts, it is what it is.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I really am getting to the point of hating her! Just to see her now, how she operates under a totally oblivious nature, God I can't believe this used to be the woman I loved, and would've died for. If the roles were changed, I would at least wait until the divorce is final.
> 
> But I guess that is because my heart is still functioning, I have morals!


I was thinking about this as I read it. We used to love our spouses like nothing else. Now look.

I thought about it today. In my situation, I feel as though I'm coming out of hibernation and the world has changed so much. I need to get acclimated to life, but it is all so dizzying.

Your test will be if/when she breaks up with this man. Then, we'll see how her interaction with you goes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jayb said:


> I was thinking about this as I read it. We used to love our spouses like nothing else. Now look.
> 
> I thought about it today. In my situation, I feel as though I'm coming out of hibernation and the world has changed so much. I need to get acclimated to life, but it is all so dizzying.
> 
> Your test will be if/when she breaks up with this man. Then, we'll see how her interaction with you goes.


Jay,

I disagree.

It will be her test - not his.

Also, you should ask yourself this...

"Why was I in hibernation? Is that healthy?"

I'll bet you know my answer.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Hate, indifference. Something. Just change your emotional position when it regards her. Yes, hating the mother of your children is probably a bad idea, I guess I have the luxury of not having that. So really, right now I'm working on the hate thing. Hating her for what she did, hating her for how she treated me, hating her for poisoning the memories with her infidelity. B!tch.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So let's recap my "amazing" wife and how she acted since this all came out.

1. Two days before she gave me the "speech" she was already texting someone, how do I know...because she mistexted my assistant manager the text meant for the other guy, aka "just friends"

2. Two days after I moved out (on 12/21/11) she went out on a "just friends" date with this guy

3. The "just friends" guy has two kids....she had his kids play with my kids at our house. I quickly put an end to this.

4. One Sunday morning I thought I would surprise stop over to say hello to my kids before work, yeah I got a surprise alright....saw the other dude's truck in my driveway. My wife then called to say that he was there overnight because he came down with the flu, and was sick and puking.

5. A couple times since she said she wanted a divorce she tried to make out with me, I called her on it, she said she was confused but still wanted the divorce.

6. Her value system has completely changed; every time she doesn't have the kids she is out and about where the kids can't even get ahold of her to say goodnight, it always goes to her voicemail.

7. Just last week she called to tell me she wants me to know she will always be there for me if I need her, that she wants to be friends with me, etc. 

* Nice woman huh????


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Jay,
> 
> I disagree.
> 
> ...


I meant it more that he will have to be super strong if she comes wallowing back. No rebounds!


Wow! What a good question. Why have I lived most of my life doing the routine, keeping up with the Jones's? Just unconsciously living....

I couldn't tell you my life dreams other than to be a good father. I don't have some grand dream that I'm passionate about. Is that normal?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> So let's recap my "amazing" wife and how she acted since this all came out.
> 
> 1. Two days before she gave me the "speech" she was already texting someone, how do I know...because she mistexted my assistant manager the text meant for the other guy, aka "just friends"
> 
> ...


holy moly. It's a wonder you're still sane.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well there are days that I definitely question my sanity


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh I also forgot to add that I discovered her profile on one of the free dating websites; to read it just made me sick. God how can people (men and women) just completely change like this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> Oh I also forgot to add that I discovered her profile on one of the free dating websites; to read it just made me sick. God how can people (men and women) just completely change like this?


She didn't change.

This was always part of her.

You just didn't see it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jayb said:


> I meant it more that he will have to be super strong if she comes wallowing back. No rebounds!
> 
> 
> Wow! What a good question. Why have I lived most of my life doing the routine, keeping up with the Jones's? Just unconsciously living....
> ...


As you can see from this board it's "normal"

I don't know that it's particularly healthy.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So she hid it for ten some years then went bezerk?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SRN said:


> Hate, indifference. Something. Just change your emotional position when it regards her. Yes, hating the mother of your children is probably a bad idea, I guess I have the luxury of not having that. So really, right now I'm working on the hate thing. Hating her for what she did, hating her for how she treated me, hating her for poisoning the memories with her infidelity. B!tch.


Don't give her that power.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Yeah, that sucks, Proud. Just keep telling yourself that recap each time you start to feel like you want her back. Just repeat it over and over. I recorded one for me on my phone so each time I long for her, I play it back to me. Helps.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't give her that power.


What power? The power to poison my memories of the last eight years? Too late for that, me thinks!


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Oh I also forgot to add that I discovered her profile on one of the free dating websites; to read it just made me sick. God how can people (men and women) just completely change like this?


Dunno. Clearly she's buggared. My ex-wife kinda just snapped, but she was a good actor up to the point I got the bomb dropped on me. She even told me that she loved me the morning before she did it.

Its ultimately a coping mechanisim, I think. In order for them to cope with the guilt that they are undoubtably feeling, they do their own 180 of sorts. Start acting completely differently than they ever had before.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> So she hid it for ten some years then went bezerk?


I think a big part of the reason your wife went bezerk was the weight loss. When a woman loses a lot of weight, it can bring a lot of really bad things to the surface that were hiding for years. 

It's kind of like those shows you see on TV about people who win the lottery, and it ruins their lives. For a woman who's been heavy for a long time, losing a lot of weight is like winning the lottery. Suddenly, you're not invisible to men anymore. If you don't have a strong foundation ( moral, boundaries, etc.) you can go bezerk.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> So let's recap my "amazing" wife and how she acted since this all came out.
> 
> 1. Two days before she gave me the "speech" she was already texting someone, how do I know...because she mistexted my assistant manager the text meant for the other guy, aka "just friends"
> 
> ...


Yep, she's trying to put it all over your face. She's mad/angry that you left her, not necessarily at her actions.

Your best bet is to just turn a blindeye or not see her at all. Ignoring her might slap some sense back into her or not. 

Live for yourself and your kid, your wife will realize it sooner or later what she did but that'll be her problem not yours.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

SRN said:


> Dunno. Clearly she's buggared. My ex-wife kinda just snapped, but she was a good actor up to the point I got the bomb dropped on me. *She even told me that she loved me the morning before she did it.*
> Its ultimately a coping mechanisim, I think. In order for them to cope with the guilt that they are undoubtably feeling, they do their own 180 of sorts. Start acting completely differently than they ever had before.


Was she ever diagnosed with a mental problem? 

Count yourself lucky to avoid more psychological problems decades later.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oldgirl,
So all these years of her insecurity with her weight was I just the consolation prize for her? Now that she lost this weight she wants the grand prize?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> I didn't even mean to look at her phone really, it was on the counter, I guess it was a naturally reaction. It just seems that every week there is a different man texting her, she is doing her best to replace me, wipe my existence out of her mind.


You know there's nothing stopping you from doing this as well. You're free now, don't fixate on her, start thinking about your own future and who you'll replace her with (someone younger/hotter/loyal?). I know many guys in your position that ended up being way better off than the WS after the dust settles. Once you start dating again you won't care what the hell your ex is doing.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

keko said:


> Was she ever diagnosed with a mental problem?
> 
> Count yourself lucky to avoid more psychological problems decades later.


No. She did have severe anxiety issues that I always noticed, so I tried to do things to help her avoid that. The counselor that we went to for our one MC met with her once the day before, just to get her side of the story, he asked me later if she'd ever been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. So if its something he noticed too, its probably an issue she's not admitting to herself.
She also had seasonal depression which she'd just deal with on her own, too.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Great now she just texted me to let me know she will be out of town July 27-August 3rd, but she won't say where she is going. This is killing me one little bit at a time.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Great now she just texted me to let me know she will be out of town July 27-August 3rd, but she won't say where she is going. This is killing me one little bit at a time.


She's doing this to hurt you on purpose. Screw that. 

See if this resonates with you.

Lately, if I see a text or email from my wife, I get afraid. Afraid of what the content is, will it make me upset, etc.

I bet that happens now with you, right?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Great now she just texted me to let me know she will be out of town July 27-August 3rd, but she won't say where she is going. This is killing me one little bit at a time.


Why not tell her you're going on vacation on those dates?

edit: If she starts blasting you, at least you know her true intention's.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Jayb,
Yes, if a text comes through, or an email....I know it's stupid I get scared. At night when I have the kids, after they are done talking with her, they always ask her if she wants to talk with me, I always get nervous that she will want to. How sick is this?


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Oldgirl,
> So all these years of her insecurity with her weight was I just the consolation prize for her? Now that she lost this weight she wants the grand prize?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud - I sent you a PM to better explain what I was trying to say


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Great now she just texted me to let me know she will be out of town July 27-August 3rd, but she won't say where she is going. This is killing me one little bit at a time.


Separate lives, man. Just get it through your head that there is no "Us" anymore, there is just you and her. You. Her.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> @Jayb,
> Yes, if a text comes through, or an email....I know it's stupid I get scared. At night when I have the kids, after they are done talking with her, they always ask her if she wants to talk with me, I always get nervous that she will want to. How sick is this?


I'm the same way.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Proud, I'm sorry you're going through this. Think of her as contaminated cargo. Right now, she is poison. Being near her, you've breathed in some toxins. Go get some fresh air and clear your system. By that, I mean, go do something that sounds like fun and maybe it will take your mind off of things for the day.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I really am getting to the point of hating her! Just to see her now, how she operates under a totally oblivious nature, God I can't believe this used to be the woman I loved, and would've died for. If the roles were changed, I would at least wait until the divorce is final.
> 
> But I guess that is because my heart is still functioning, I have morals!


Hate is good. It means you are moving onto the next level of detachment. Don't be afraid of hate. Hate is not the bad, evil thing that some posters here say it is.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> She didn't change.
> 
> This was always part of her.
> 
> You just didn't see it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


EXACTLY. Blinded by love.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Great now she just texted me to let me know she will be out of town July 27-August 3rd, but she won't say where she is going. This is killing me one little bit at a time.


What do you care? Let her go and concentrate on the kids. She's not your problem anymore.

What ever happened to the New Proud? Did he die crib death? I thought you promised all of us you wouldn't be moaning anymore. Is a problem keeping promises one of the reasons your wife ditched you?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

OldGirl said:


> For a woman who's been heavy for a long time, losing a lot of weight is like winning the lottery. Suddenly, you're not invisible to men anymore. If you don't have a strong foundation ( moral, boundaries, etc.) you can go bezerk.


This is very very true. There's suddenly a lot of temptation, a sense that you are not the same person you used to be and that the whole world has changed. The terrible thing is this what's going to happen when karma catches up with her. You loved her when she was fat. Mr dating website dou(hebag won't do the same when she gets fat again...or else she will realize that if you hook up with shallow people for shallow reasons, you're not going to find much depth of satisfaction. People do let success get to their heads, but eventually, reality will kick in again. Sorry for the negativity, but your ex is being really dumb and one day, she will see it. The pendulum will eventually swing the other way. Be mad at at her stupidity. Don't be sad. She is not a reward that you will earn for waiting out her infidelity. She is toxic right now. Go find some people to hang out with that are not toxic and you will feel better!


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

moxy said:


> This is very very true. There's suddenly a lot of temptation, a sense that you are not the same person you used to be and that the whole world has changed. The terrible thing is this what's going to happen when karma catches up with her. You loved her when she was fat. Mr dating website dou(hebag won't do the same when she gets fat again...or else she will realize that if you hook up with shallow people for shallow reasons, you're not going to find much depth of satisfaction. People do let success get to their heads, but eventually, reality will kick in again. Sorry for the negativity, but your ex is being really dumb and one day, she will see it. The pendulum will eventually swing the other way. Be mad at at her stupidity. Don't be sad. She is not a reward that you will earn for waiting out her infidelity. She is toxic right now. Go find some people to hang out with that are not toxic and you will feel better!


This is just the general "Grass is greener" mentality. They want to get out and try new things because they've gotten bored. Once they figure out that its not, that these new people won't put up with their BS the way that we did... yeah, thats going to be a rude awakening. My ex has so many idiosyncrasies that I either put up with or found darling that I highly, highly doubt anyone else will be willing to deal with. Fact of the matter is that now that she's 8 years older than she was when we met, the pool of available men is much shallower. Both literally and figuratively. She's a very attractive woman, so I'm sure she'll have no problem getting picked up, but not many will stay around. I foresee a pretty lonely future for her.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> @Jayb,
> Yes, if a text comes through, or an email....I know it's stupid I get scared. At night when I have the kids, after they are done talking with her, they always ask her if she wants to talk with me, I always get nervous that she will want to. How sick is this?


not sick, but definitely co-dependent. i know how that feels. you must begin to remove yourself from her, for your own sake. don't go inside when getting the kids, don't read her dating profiles or texts, don't even talk on the phone if she wants to, etc. little by little every day you must let go. it will be ok. better than ok. you will surprise yourself with the strength you discover when deciding to depend only on yourself for happiness. i know!


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Hate is good. It means you are moving onto the next level of detachment. Don't be afraid of hate. Hate is not the bad, evil thing that some posters here say it is.


i still say indifference is better. hate takes too much energy that the other person doesn't deserve.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Bandit,
No I did not break promises to my wife, I kept my promises to her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Bandit,
> No I did not break promises to my wife, I kept my promises to her.


No, your promise to us:



> I'm taking this opportunity to announce that on April 5th, 2012 the old Proud has officially died.
> 
> I would like to announce that on April 6th, 2012 the new Proud is born. I will live for myself, help others, focus on the good in the world.
> 
> ...





> I know you guys will hold me accountable, I can miss what I had, but realize it's in the past, and I have a better life awaiting me


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cabbage65 said:


> i still say indifference is better. hate takes too much energy that the other person doesn't deserve.


No. Hate is fun. I'm enjoying hating my STBXW. After a while I'll get bored with it and move on to indifference.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It is normal to have these feelings considering how new everything is. Your emotions are going to be all over the place if they have not already. A friend told me once you will know when you had enough and when you do it becomes easier to deal with. Deattachement is an odd thing it is sort of like grieving you miss the person SHE WAS when it was good not the person you see in front of you. I think often times we can get it mixed up between the reality of the person vs our preception of what WE wanted/want them to be. That is why your somewhat in shock, it will pass. Going through this is like riding a roller coaster just ride them out (your emotions) until the ride ends but only you know when that ride ends. Good luck to you! Just my 2c.

-Kris


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SRN said:


> This is just the general "Grass is greener" mentality. They want to get out and try new things because they've gotten bored. Once they figure out that its not, that these new people won't put up with their BS the way that we did... yeah, thats going to be a rude awakening. My ex has so many idiosyncrasies that I either put up with or found darling that I highly, highly doubt anyone else will be willing to deal with. Fact of the matter is that now that she's 8 years older than she was when we met, the pool of available men is much shallower. Both literally and figuratively. She's a very attractive woman, so I'm sure she'll have no problem getting picked up, but not many will stay around. I foresee a pretty lonely future for her.


In other words....

You enabled her.

What did you expect in return?

When you answer this, you'll almost be home.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

SRN said:


> This is just the general "Grass is greener" mentality. They want to get out and try new things because they've gotten bored. Once they figure out that its not, that these new people won't put up with their BS the way that we did... yeah, thats going to be a rude awakening. My ex has so many idiosyncrasies that I either put up with or found darling that I highly, highly doubt anyone else will be willing to deal with. Fact of the matter is that now that she's 8 years older than she was when we met, the pool of available men is much shallower. Both literally and figuratively. She's a very attractive woman, so I'm sure she'll have no problem getting picked up, but not many will stay around. I foresee a pretty lonely future for her.


Makes sense, but this is exactly the type of thinking I'm trying to outgrow. The day I stop thinking of this stuff is the day I've moved on and gotten her out of my system. The day this no longer matters. The day my happiness takes priority over what I've lost.

Getting there.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

krismimo said:


> It is normal to have these feelings considering how new everything is. Your emotions are going to be all over the place if they have not already. A friend told me once you will know when you had enough and when you do it becomes easier to deal with. *Deattachement is an odd thing it is sort of like grieving you miss the person SHE WAS when it was good not the person you see in front of you. I think often times we can get it mixed up between the reality of the person vs our preception of what WE wanted/want them to be*. That is why your somewhat in shock, it will pass. Going through this is like riding a roller coaster just ride them out (your emotions) until the ride ends but only you know when that ride ends. Good luck to you! Just my 2c.
> 
> -Kris


This is my every moment. Been like this for a month.


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