# Grab a coffee it's a long story.. Infidelity and beyond.



## Bluebird106 (Oct 6, 2013)

Probably best to make a cup of coffee before reading this one! 

My husband and I married nearly 2 years ago. During the early days, he went on a trip with his best mate overseas (male) and amongst the pictures my husband to be posted on FB, were a handful of very 'close' looking photos with another woman. I thought it was odd and when he returned home his phone was going off with messages all through the night and after the constant tap tap tap of him replying to them and disturbing sleep every half an hour for two weeks, I confronted him about them and he said it was just a friend overseas. I felt awful, but I checked his phone, and found they had sent pictures of each other along with some disclosures of what they had been up to on the trip. When I confronted him over them, he told me they were just friends and that's how they talked. Call me naive, and thinking I was onto a good thing with him, I let it go. 
Then we became engaged to be married. I had suspicions prior to the marriage that he had was having an affair with a colleague. He started staying back after work, having drinks with just her, and started making more and more excuses to see her. As much as he denied it, I knew something was amiss. He withdrew emotionally and sexually from me, and started to become angry towards me and I couldn't understand why? He wanted her to come to the wedding (she did) because she was his 'best friend'. Even on the week leading up to our wedding he would tell me he was tired and have headaches and wanted to sleep on so I would go about doing my own thing only to find him each time visiting his 'friend'. Even at our reception, he spent and hour talking only to her away from the crowd. When we returned from the wedding, that's when things really went full steam with her. His behaviour towards me was almost one of resentment, his phone never left his side, he smiled funny when reading and sending messages. I saw them together numerous times having lunches together and driving in my car. I confronted him several times, and several times he told me I was crazy and being paranoid and if my behaviour (?) didn't stop our marriage was over. When I became pregnant (lost the baby) he said I did it deliberately and was angry and refused to talk to me about it. Anyway fast forward,he was in love with her but didn't want to leave our marriage because of the image our marriage and lifestyle projected to others. I nearly left, and he convinced me he still loved me but didn't know what he wanted (her or me). I stated because I thought I was overreacting and maybe things were not too bad. After this, he then started sending, let's say, 'censored' pictures of a certain part of his anatomy to another woman, as well as making inquiries about a sex line. Again he said it was nothing and he was just joking and didn't know why he didn't.
I am starting to believe he likes the thrill of the chase, but then when that is gone he needs to find it again. I am of the belief that he does have a narcissistic personality and is constantly seeking validation and attention from women. 
I have suggested counselling many times but he refuses. He is also controlling that if he doesn't get something his way he will make me feel so bad about it that I feel guilty enough to let him have his way. I don't trust him anymore and I really wanted to give our marriage my all and keep it together and make it strong. We have never really communicated or talked about anything as much as what he did with his colleague. He seemed to bond well with her and talked and behaved a way with her he never has with me. I have wanted to preserve my fertility and he refused to go to the appointment with me or have any tests. I feel like I have someone who is standing next to me but won't hold my hand and walk with me through life 
Now, I am feeling that I can't be in this marriage anymore. I feel awful about feeling like that, but in our few years together I can't see a future together. I feel like we are both unhappy and want different things, but we are both reluctant to take the first step. I honestly think that we really aren't as compatible as we thought, and over the years we have started to change and grow as individuals and I feel we are walking on different paths. We don't even do much together, not very affectionate towards each other, and he is very concerned about keeping up appearances. I do love him, and I know he loves me, but we seem to butt heads continually and we really are chalk and cheese. We can't agree on having children, but now I have changed my mind and though I've not told him, I don't want to now,as I can't see our marriage as being healthy enough to raise a child. I really do feel like I am not what he thought I would be. Where else do you go when counselling is not an option? I don't want us to stay in the marriage because leaving looks complicated, with the whole logistics of emotions, moving etc. I'm stuck, I feel stuck. And I feel that because of what I have tolerated in the past, and the behaviours that I accept in the present, that we are going to stay on this merry go round :scratchhead:


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## Bluebird106 (Oct 6, 2013)

About the pregnancy part, he was angry at me for being pregnant. He actually told me later he was glad I lost he baby because he wasn't ready and didn't want it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Now, I am feeling that I can't be in this marriage anymore.


What marriage? :scratchhead:

You don't have one because your "husband" never gave you one.

Damnit, he never even gave you a proper courtship!

Can you seek an annulment?

If not, this is Matt, who is normally the Reconciliation Kid on TAM saying: "Time to move on from the not-a-man in any real and meaningful sense of the word" in your life get a divorce and seek out a real man.

So sorry he can't be what he should be.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sorry you lost the baby. 

Dump him asap. If he changes, you can remarry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Run as fast as you can. He has cheated before, during and will after your marriage.

Btw, was his best " friend" married?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This was never a real marriage. Sorry that you thought that you could make it one. He treats you like cr*p and wants to be with other women all the time. He has cheated many, many times. You can bet on that.

Get out as of yesterday. Stop romanticizing a man who at best could care less about you and your marriage and at worst holds you in contempt.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Leave this creature before he reduces your self esteem to dust. He needs you around as his personal punching bag so that he can feel better about himself. He will never change.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are living in a one sided marriage. You are faithful to him, he's never been faithful to you.

Get out and don't look back, let someone else have him, he's no prize.


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## Bluebird106 (Oct 6, 2013)

I think 'what marriage' a lot too. I look at other marriages with my friends and they are so close to their partner, they are gentle with each other (as in the way they speak, what they say), affectionate, and they openly communicate with each other. I then reflect on my own, and it just isn't what I think it should be. I can't seek an annulment as it is not applicable in my country.

No the 'best friend 'was single. They still work together. Apparently she has a partner now that she only sees a few days a fortnight as he lives away for work. Their affair went on for about a year I worked out. He would never tell me what they did, but I strongly suspect sex was involved, he was in way too far emotionally with her. 

I get along so well with his family and friends, and I feel awful and like in have a responsibility to them to try and make this work! but the thing is, what more can I do? Most of the time compromise does not exist as it is one sided. We rarely do what I want to do because he has headaches and is tired all the time, but if he wants to do something I am expected to do what he wants to do and it's not worth saying no because I don't like the subsequent confrontation.

I can't talk to him about anything emotional he will switch off and get defensive and question why we need to talk about it, I have told him because I am he only one who has actually talked and he needs to tell me what he thinks and feels as that's the only way we can work through issues.

But then I just end up on the merry go round again.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Bluebird106 said:


> About the pregnancy part, he was angry at me for being pregnant. He actually told me later he was glad I lost he baby because he wasn't ready and didn't want it.


There is nothing that you have said that is more telling than this. The loss of a child should have been a terribly sad event for both of you and a point where people show their true colors. The affairs really have nothing to do with the other women, it is all about him. Having children or not is all about him. The marriage has all been about him. This man will do nothing but drag you down in life.

Go see an attorney, make living arrangements and how you want to divide the property. Don't let the cat out of the bag as he will only give you grief. When you are ready to make your move, do it quickly and decisively.


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## Mrsmartian (Aug 21, 2013)

You are worth more, Bluebird. He has never given you anything loving. Or normal. He doesn't actually like you very much, does he?

He's never given you himself. You've always had to share him.
He tells you that you are crazy. You're stupid. According to him.

He has a whole world of problems. That aren't anything to do with you. Even if he wanted to share them. It would be with one of his "friends".

You lost a child. He saw it as a great thing. Another escape. He really is, a sh!t.

If you're in the UK. Think about calling the domestic abuse helpline. They can really give you a lot of great insight into what is abuse. He doesn't have to beat you up.There doesn't have to be blood or bruises. You know?

Even if you live elsewhere. Start asking questions about getting help to get out of there.

Counselling as a couple won't be worth it. He will huff and puff about you shutting up and behaving yourself. But really, he's just got used to you putting up with his crap.

Stop telling him anything about how you feel. Stop asking him what he thinks he's up to. Get cold. Start planning. Run so fast and so far that the sonic boom makes his damn head explode.

The day you get out. Will be amazing. The only person you will answer to is yourself. You will close your front door. The world and him will be the other side. Your life. Your decisions. You'll be free.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Sorry you lost the baby. But don't waste your time on him any more. When he said the first time he couldn't decide between you and her you should have decided for him, and dumped him. You sound like a smart women that has a lot of respect for herself. Move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Please, get away, as far as you can, from this poor excuse of a man and a husband.
It's a window to your future. Can you imagine years after year of this abuse?

To the garbage can.

You are worth way more than this. Way more.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bluebird

You should never have married him.

Now correct the mistake.

HM


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

By the sounds of it he never really chased you. His thoughts has been on another woman. Why he went through with the marriage is anyone's guess. 

I would suggest you leave this marriage behind and learn from it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

RUN.


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