# Is Sexting cheating and how do I cope



## EsaT (May 7, 2014)

We've been married 15 years and we have 2 children. We've been caught up in the busy routine of raising kids and I think we were having sex (mostly quickies) once every 2 weeks. There was definitely not any passion or much excitement. About 4 month ago out of the blue she changed and suddenly she was a wild woman in bed and wanted it all the time. I never saw this side of her before and obviously not complaining. A couple weeks ago I caught her texting another guy. After digging deeper I discovered it had been going on for months, and they were very intimate. I confronted her and she denied it at first, but after presenting the evidence I had she finally admitted it. It explained the change in her behaviour. She claims it helped our marriage and sex life, but to me it felt like cheating. Now when I think back, it's like she did foreplay with this guy, and then finished with me. I feel angry and sick now and it feels like I was cheated on. How do I get over this?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Yes, it's cheating in my book!!! 

Has she gone no contact with the OM? Was it physical also? 

You know she's a liar...right? 

How did she meet the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

If she's deleting and hiding it from you then yes, it's cheating. I also wouldn't believe it was just texting either, she's not going to come right out and admit to everything.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Inappropriate Behavior -- check

Unfaithfulness -- check

Cheating -- check

Yes, this is the Golden Sombrero.

The reason it feels like cheating is becuase it is. But indeed is this post a hit and run? If she has been sexting another man for months there is a good chance they have met.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sorry, guy, but hell yes, it's cheating. I've noticed time and again on this site that EA's eventually turn into PA's when the opportunity presents itself. She needs to knock it off right now.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

I don't speak for everyone but sexting is enough for me to get a divorce. I don't put up with that bull**** at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep it's cheating.

Do you know who this guy is? Find out. 

IF he's married tell his wife. That will put an end to her texting.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

EsaT said:


> We've been married 15 years and we have 2 children. We've been caught up in the busy routine of raising kids and I think we were having sex (mostly quickies) once every 2 weeks. There was definitely not any passion or much excitement. About 4 month ago out of the blue she changed and suddenly she was a wild woman in bed and wanted it all the time. I never saw this side of her before and obviously not complaining. A couple weeks ago I caught her texting another guy. After digging deeper I discovered it had been going on for months, and they were very intimate. I confronted her and she denied it at first, but after presenting the evidence I had she finally admitted it. It explained the change in her behaviour. She claims it helped our marriage and sex life, but to me it felt like cheating. Now when I think back, it's like she did foreplay with this guy, and then finished with me. I feel angry and sick now and it feels like I was cheated on. How do I get over this?


Ask yourself this question: If she had found out that you were sexting with another woman, would she consider it cheating? You're damned right she would. It's a betrayal, plain and simple. She is sharing intimacy with a party external to your marriage vows, and doing it behind your back. She is basically saying "I desire to share sexy, intimate words with another man, because it excites me and because I can hide it from my husband". She knew it was cheating and that's why she hid it from you. I'm actually a little surprised that you even have to ask the question...... That is, unless, you're one of those people that get secretly get turned on by their wife doing things with other men and need to have your moral compass recalibrated.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is she remorseful? 

did she ever send you sexting texts? 

Has she written a timeline of her affair, and stopped all contact with the OM? I do like the advice you received to expose the OM.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Funny, it was also my WWs near. Instant change in her sexual appetite that made me check up on her too.

In her eyes it may well have helped the marriage up until the point where you found out.

Yes it is cheating.

What ages are you both?

Can you be sure they didn't meet? My WW was on a different continent to POSOM so I have that grace I suppose.

How did they get to the point of exchanging numbers?

You have a long bumpy road ahead but keep posting, it will help you to know that many of us have been there and done that and survived, whether you can stay together after it, now that is something else entirely!

I understand the whole situation with regards being hurt and the thought of being her manbrator getting her off after gatting hot with texting POSOM, but you need to find out why she looked outside the marriage in stead of making dirty with you first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes it is cheating. However it hasn't gone physical, yet. Or has it??

Weightlifter will be able to tell you how to gather intel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes, there is no other word for it. You start talking dirty with anyone, other than your SO, it's cheating, flat out. Because it's somewhat intimate. You can't have that with anyone else. It wouldn't be special, it would just be fantasy. Everyone here that has been betrayed will tell you that. But the betrayal starts there, for the most part, the catalyst if you will.


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## EsaT (May 7, 2014)

I guess I already know the answer to my question in that it is considered cheating, and it hurts a lot. I am just trying to figure out how to put this past us, and it hasn't been easy.
She knows the OM through work. The texting has gone on for the last 5 months, but it has stopped since I caught her. She says that she hasn't spoken to him since or seen him, and assures me that it didn't go beyond the texting, or the rendez-vous over coffee. 

In a way I believe it because our life is starting to go back to the way it was. Her 'passion' that she had is diminishing, which I guess I can also take the wrong way because obviously I don't create that in her.

I am also upset because since I brought this up, I find myself being the one going out of my way to get our relationship back on track. I am helping out more, sending her intimate texts, trying to be more intimate, trying to talk more, trying to do 'nice' little things for her. Its almost as if it was me who cheated. I used to not wear my wedding ring, but since this happened I am wearing it all the time now to show that I am committed. She didn't wear hers either, but now she wears it (only on weekends, but not during the work week). I guess I am upset because its seems to be me doing all the work, even though she said she was sorry and says that she is 100% committed. 

I am not sure what more I can do to make this work and put this behind me. And there are times that I feel that I am being made a fool of.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she needs to be doing the work to win you back. You can't nice her back, it has to be her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You want to know what to do now to get your relationship back on tack and to move on...

Get the book "Surviving An Affair". It's a quick read and will give you a good road map.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EsaT said:


> I guess I already know the answer to my question in that it is considered cheating, and it hurts a lot. I am just trying to figure out how to put this past us, and it hasn't been easy.
> She knows the OM through work. The texting has gone on for the last 5 months, but it has stopped since I caught her. She says that she hasn't spoken to him since or seen him, and assures me that it didn't go beyond the texting, or the rendez-vous over coffee.
> 
> In a way I believe it because our life is starting to go back to the way it was. Her 'passion' that she had is diminishing, which I guess I can also take the wrong way because obviously I don't create that in her.
> ...


Damn. There's a lot of "bad" in this post. Gotta get ready for work but let me say this real quick...

If your WW is working w/ this guy, that needs to change, and fast.

Insist that she wear her wedding ring at all times. ESPECIALLY at work.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Ouch. :/

So sorry.

This is a form of cheating for sure.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I hate innuendo.

But, how do you know for a fact she's never had a physical affair? Because she told you she didn't?

I mean, she flat out denied her texting emotional affair until you presented the evidence in her face. I'm sorry, but that is very telling IMO. I don't say this lightly either. *I* was the wayward spouse in my story.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You need to understand a fundamental truth about cheaters. They almost always will only admit, to what they know you know. It's called trickle truth.

Newly betrayed spouses want to believe their WS, so your reaction is typical. But you would be very naive to assume this wasn't a PA. Why? Besides what I just mentioned about trickle truth:

1 - The length of time they've been texting. For every month they've been communicating, the chances of a PA go up exponentially. It would be very unusual for any OM, to only be satisfied with an EA for that long. That's just the way most cheating men work it.

2 - They had the "opportunity" to physically meet up, and you know they have on at least one occasion.

Can I say with 100% certainty? Of course not. But the odds are very low that they didn't. If you've exhausted all your data recovery options to find out for sure, you should consider having her take a polygraph. 

Either way it's cheating. 

And by the way, if she works with him, she can continue to be in contact with him no matter what she promises. You need to demand that she quit her job if that's the case.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I hate innuendo.
> 
> But, how do you know for a fact she's never had a physical affair? Because she told you she didn't?
> 
> I mean, she flat out denied her texting emotional affair until you presented the evidence in her face. I'm sorry, but that is very telling IMO. I don't say this lightly either. *I* was the wayward spouse in my story.


This.
It's very probable it was a PA too.
It's less probable it was a "romantic" attachment, if it were she would have cut the sex in order to be faithful to OM. It was fun & games but probably PA. Maybe she can pull a Clinton defense if you press enough.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

I am surprised no one has mentioned that you need to require her to go to Marriage Counseling! 

You need to make a list of things that she needs to do HERSELF in order to continue your marriage, and successfully work this out. The biggest thing on that list needs to be that SHE Research marriage counselors, and pick one for you both to meet with. Your wife has issues man! Either get them evaluated, and resolved, or this will happen again, and your Marriage will eventually END! 

Also, expose this to other ADULT family members. Make her feel shamed for what happened! She needs to see how bad her EA was, and suffer some consequences for it! 

I know what you are going through...I am going through the same thing with my wife. Her Sexting was only going on for about 3 weeks though, and it was with another married man who has 6 kids...Who knows her brother...and I know of him. So I put an end to the sexting real quick by exposing my wife to the entire family. The OM's wife also found out about what he was doing with my wife. 

The whole ordeal sucks! I know your trust level is smashed into nothing with your wife. I have no trust in her now. It's like starting over. Your wife's actions over the next few months will determine how your marriage will turn out! 

I agree with others...if this man works at her job, she needs to quit working there. Having another job lined up is important, but if you two are OK financially, he quitting can happen before lining up another job! If she doesn't...She is not committed to your marriage!


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm going thru this right now with my husband. Married 20 years, 40 yr old man and 27 year old intern at his office EA texting/FB messaging sexting and emotional attachment- thought they were in love. It was unexpected and very painful, but we are working through it. My husband had to make done drastic career changes. I would insist in a job change if they sti work together. Definite no contact too. Mine cut contact on d-day and thus far has not made contact that I know of. He exposed his actions to his parents and his two closest friends who both told him he was a POS and have been very supportive and helpful in getting my husband back on track. We have started working with a counselor. I also am going to go to a BAN support group in my area (google search - beyond affairs network I think). The big thing for us has been changing our schedules to spend a lot of time together. We have never talked this much. It's been painful, but we are working through things. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

I was cheated on and fell into many of the same traps you're falling into. To my mind after having gone through it the correct thing to do in your situation is plan to end your marriage. Contact a lawyer, find out all you need to know on that front and then serve her the papers. Many will suggest serving her at work.

You shouldn't have to tell her "you need to do this. You need to do that". She knows what she would want done if the tables were turned. If she can't figure it out then she's not trying. If she takes you filing for divorce as further excuse to interact with the other man rather than attempt to save your marriage then she wasn't going to try anyways. 

Hold your head up high, tell her you love her, but you don't want to be with her anymore and end it. And you have to mean it. You have to know that you are worth more than the **** she's putting you through and that your life will improve without her. Know it and then end it. To my mind that's your only chance of saving it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

TimesLikeThese said:


> I was cheated on and fell into many of the same traps you're falling into. To my mind after having gone through it the correct thing to do in your situation is plan to end your marriage. Contact a lawyer, find out all you need to know on that front and then serve her the papers. Many will suggest serving her at work.
> 
> You shouldn't have to tell her "you need to do this. You need to do that". She knows what she would want done if the tables were turned. If she can't figure it out then she's not trying. If she takes you filing for divorce as further excuse to interact with the other man rather than attempt to save your marriage then she wasn't going to try anyways.
> 
> ...



WOW. 

...I certainly hope this isn't the only REAL viable action to take? Is it really that far gone once SEXTING has happened? ...When we marry our significant other...we take an oath to Love and Chrish, to support each other in sickness, and in health, to be there when things get tough. 


...This is a tough time. Certainly she has been unfaithful, and went and did something that hurt us that we never thought she would do before we found out that she actually did this. ...BUT, is the situation so dire that the only real recourse is to end the marriage and file for Divorce now? ...Do we owe it to her, and our relationship, and Life together to at least TRY to work it out first? Or, is it just a bunch of wishful thinking, and it's just better off to Divorce now?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> When we marry our significant other...we take an oath to Love and Chrish, to support each other in sickness, and in health, to be there when things get tough.


 Your marraige vows also said that you both would “forsaking all others”. She did not do that now did she?



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> BUT, is the situation so dire that the only real recourse is to end the marriage and file for Divorce now? ...Do we owe it to her, and our relationship, and Life together to at least TRY to work it out first? Or, is it just a bunch of wishful thinking, and it's just better off to Divorce now?


 Filing for divorce is not ending the marriage, as it takes time for the process to unfold, and you can always stop the process. Filing for divorce is letting her know that you are willing to end the marraige if she does not do what needs to be done to fix the marraige. I am not saying that now is the time to file for divorce, but just letting you know what is meant when people tell you that you must be willing to end the marraige in order to have a "chance of saving it".


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

EsaT said:


> I guess I already know the answer to my question in that it is considered cheating, and it hurts a lot. I am just trying to figure out how to put this past us, and it hasn't been easy.
> She knows the OM through work. The texting has gone on for the last 5 months, but it has stopped since I caught her. She says that she hasn't spoken to him since or seen him, and assures me that it didn't go beyond the texting, or the rendez-vous over coffee.
> 
> In a way I believe it because our life is starting to go back to the way it was. Her 'passion' that she had is diminishing, which I guess I can also take the wrong way because obviously I don't create that in her.
> ...


 If she's still working with this guy, then you can't be 100% sure that it's over. 

Rather than you proving that you want the marriage to work, IT'S UP TO HER TO PROVE TO YOU THAT SHE WANT IT TO WORK. You got it backwards.

My advice to you is this. Tell her to change jobs since he works there too and with him there he's still in the picture. By her telling you that she doesn't have contact with him any longer is something that you have to take with a grain of salt. She lied to you remember? Her words don't mean a thing.

Another thing I would do if I were you is take her to get a polygraph test and let her know that if she fails, then she's out the door. 

You have to stop being the nice guy in this marriage as of now and she's the one as of now that has to prove herself. If you do the heavy lifting, then you lose and all your doing is giving her the opening to continue.

This guy cannot be around her in any way and the only way that happens is for her to change jobs.

If she refuses to change jobs or the polygraph, the you know she hiding a lot more. Don't play games with her.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I've been in your shoes. Catching mine texting is what opened the door to me finding out about a whole lot more that had been going on. Mine did the same thing.....deny deny deny until presented with the evidence and then only admit to what you have to. It can become a sick little game. Ask questions you already know the answers to and just sit back and listen to the lies. Amazing. 

So yes, she cheated. For most all of us, intimate conversation and contact is reserved for your partner and no one else. "it helped our marriage" is a BS rationalization. As stated already, I would require marriage counseling. Tell her its a must for the marriage to move on. Have her find the counselor and schedule the appointment. I would also require complete transparency of all her phone and online activity. She needs to apologize, acknowledge the hurt to you and damage to the marriage (she endangered your children's household with her actions) AND make up for it. What happens next is the key. Don't hound her about any of it. Her actions will tell you all you need to know. At some point, if things are on track and she has shown herself to be the wife she should be, then slowly start working on ways to bring more fun and excitement into your marriage. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

EsaT said:


> I guess I already know the answer to my question in that it is considered cheating, and it hurts a lot. I am just trying to figure out how to put this past us, and it hasn't been easy.
> She knows the OM through work. The texting has gone on for the last 5 months, but it has stopped since I caught her. She says that she hasn't spoken to him since or seen him, and assures me that it didn't go beyond the texting, or the rendez-vous over coffee.
> 
> In a way I believe it because our life is starting to go back to the way it was. Her 'passion' that she had is diminishing, which I guess I can also take the wrong way because obviously I don't create that in her.
> ...


If she knows him through work she gets to change jobs now. To go complete NC. Not talking with him is not enough.

You being nice to her is absurd. Indeed she will let you take the blame. Unless you want to be in a submissive relationship where your wife has other men and you get humiliated as part of your kink, you need to not be this way. Ask yourself why she did this at all?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> WOW.
> 
> ...I certainly hope this isn't the only REAL viable action to take? Is it really that far gone once SEXTING has happened? ...When we marry our significant other...we take an oath to Love and Chrish, to support each other in sickness, and in health, to be there when things get tough.
> 
> ...


She broke that contract. The oath does not default to you putting up with unfaithfulness. 

He does not even know the depth of her betrayal as yet. He is getting trickle truth.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Have you exposed this texting affair? Told her parents, siblings?. You know who the OM is, have you told his wife (if he has one)? If this is someone she works with, can you be certain it never went physical? I think some exposure is in order.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Co-worker.

Cozy chat with the boss is in order here, a lot of companies prohibit such activities as well as fire you for it.

I made a point of discussing loose morals in front of my team when it became apparent that two members were getting too close for their spouses liking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, it's cheating.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This is bringing back 2010 from my life. My wife did the same thing, but the dude was several states away. Then in 2011 the same thing but the dude was local and it went PA.

If I had to do 2010 all over again I would do it all differently. My wife only shared what I knew and it was after repeatedly lying to me about that. It would go like this:
Me: You talked to him on the phone?
Her: NO
Me: Yes you did, I have proof, phone records, 20 minutes one day, etc. Here are the phone records.

Her: We never talked on the phone
Me: Yes you did, here is the phone records again.
Her: No we never talked on the phone, OK, yes we did, very briefly, he wanted to hear what my voice sounded like.

And on and on with everything. Lied, lied, lied then admitted to it.

She came clean on nothing on her own. And would tell me she is not saying anything.

Then the PA with another guy and other guys on line.

Personally, if she does not come clean on everything, I would walk.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Stop trying to nice her back...it doesn't work.

Also, you need to really dig to find out how much REALLY went on.

They did actually meet in secret, so there is a possibility that there was a PA element to this.

Tell her she will take a poly, and if she fails it will be straight to D.

If she wants any shot at R, she better get the truth out before she fails that test.

And get all the info on this POS you can.

If he is M or has a gf, expose his sorry, cheating a** ASAP to his betrayed partner.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

yes of course it is.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unfortunately when the 2 of you were having the wild passionate sex---it was him she was having the sex with----you were just a husk---mentally she was with him----she has had to shut him down, and once again---the 2 of you are passionless

Lots of things need to change---both of you need to go to IC----then after that to MC

She probably should leave her job, if the mge is to continue---if the mge were to end---then she can keep her job, as it won't matter to you, cept for alimony

If she refuses to be accountable, and to work on the mge---then the threat of D, needs to come into play----or sadly---in all actuality D itself may need to come into play---but try the IC's 1st to see why the 2 of you cannot rev up your mge, and passion


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

This is sick. Yes, it is terrible, but if it didn't went physical then why divorce? i don't get it. I think that this is the type of situation where you can work on the marriage because there wasn't any contact between then. That's IF there wasn't. You should go and find out if she has been actually physical with him. Anything as much as getting her private parts exposed to him would provide a good reason for a divorce. I consider sexting a cause for cheating. That is if it was only Sexting and nothing more then the partner can still be saved. If it went physical then there is 0 change of recovery.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Pattiroxxi said:


> This is sick. Yes, it is terrible, but if it didn't went physical then why divorce? i don't get it. I think that this is the type of situation where you can work on the marriage because there wasn't any contact between then. That's IF there wasn't. You should go and find out if she has been actually physical with him. Anything as much as getting her private parts exposed to him would provide a good reason for a divorce. I consider sexting a cause for cheating. That is if it was only Sexting and nothing more then the partner can still be saved. If it went physical then there is 0 change of recovery.


Being mentally replaced might be far worse than having what's supposed to be yours handed over to a total stranger, some may find.

Personally I will not have any woman sext another man and come to my lap to experiment on those scientific exchanges. It's that simple.

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't have to be physical.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Ouch! So woman spends her day releasing her intimate chi to another man getting worked up in the process then coming home and unleashing on husband.

I'm sure in her mind it probably was her helping the marriage, a little texting that got out of hand but as long as she was having good sex with her husband then it was ok. The thing is once the texting stopped so did the "passion", but there could be reasons for that,, maybe the guilt is overwhelming for her, her now connecting this recent passionate phase to her guilt is killing her mood.

To the OP. Sit and down talk to her. If you can forgive her and move on, then tell her,but only under the proviso she seeks help with why she felt the need to overstep the boundaries in the first place. Ask her how she felt during those sessions that you had and whether she enjoyed it, if so why can't you continue enjoying it, as long as you're both putting in the effort (as she clearly was).

She works on herself, you release her from her guilt (not rugsweeping) forgive but never forget! And you reclaim her without external help from OM.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

verpin zal said:


> Being mentally replaced might be far worse than having what's supposed to be yours handed over to a total stranger, some may find.
> 
> Personally I will not have any woman sext another man and come to my lap to experiment on those scientific exchanges. It's that simple.
> 
> Cheating is cheating. It doesn't have to be physical.


Yes it doesn't have to be physical. But for me personally physical cheating feels a lot worse than emotional. I COULD work on my marriage if he was just talking to her. But since he exposed himself to her and made contact it was impossible for me to get over it. Just because she or he is anonymous doesn't mean anything. There is also a much higher chance for me to cheat back if it was physical.

I find it shocking that some people are saying to this man to move on just like that and then others telling me to give someone a second chance just because there were no emotions. 

Its' sick.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your here. Get the 180 going. I wish you luck in saving your marriage. Keep reading.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Pattiroxxi said:


> Yes it doesn't have to be physical. But for me personally physical cheating feels a lot worse than emotional. I COULD work on my marriage if he was just talking to her. But since he exposed himself to her and made contact it was impossible for me to get over it. Just because she or he is anonymous doesn't mean anything. There is also a much higher chance for me to cheat back if it was physical.
> 
> I find it shocking that some people are saying to this man to move on just like that and then others telling me to give someone a second chance just because there were no emotions.
> 
> Its' sick.


You find PAs deal breakers, EAs are often more damaging than you can realize.

Moving on out of the relationship can be easier as there will be a chance reflect and to only have to deal with your own emotions and it really is not fun to have your emotions to deal with as well as to attempt to R with a wayward where trust is now a big issue!


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> You find PAs deal breakers, EAs are often more damaging than you can realize.
> 
> Moving on out of the relationship can be easier as there will be a chance reflect and to only have to deal with your own emotions and it really is not fun to have your emotions to deal with as well as to attempt to R with a wayward where trust is now a big issue!



It doesn't have to be an affair to be a deal breaker. Anything sexual for me is a deal breaker. Sexting is not a deal breaker for me, neither is kissing, but it would cause problems in my marriage and we would have to go counseling. BUT if he would go to sex workers behind my back for any reason, or have a physical affair, then no, that would eat me up until i would leave the relationship. I never had problems with emotions. I can easily deal with that, but i can't deal with the thought of my husband doing something sexual behind my back.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

They worked together and saw each other every day. The went for *cough* coffee together and yet that wasn't enough. They were sexting each other frequently. Yet you believe they had the morals to keep their hands off each other? 

I suppose they never took a sick day together, left work early, took a half day off. 

Your marriage can take certain hits - but continued lying and continued daily contact will ensure your marriage will meet it's demise in short order if you're lucky or slowly bleed to death over the next number of years. 

Insist on:
1. Polygraph to verify her truthfulness
2. Access to her passwords, contacts, etc (you need to give her yours too)
3. No contact ever again - she needs to change jobs - and not in the same company. 
4. Marriage counseling - only once the previous steps are agreed to and underway

You need to stiffen your spine and demand you both respect your marriage vows. 

BTW - why haven't you both been wearing your wedding rings?


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## EsaT (May 7, 2014)

Over a month and a half since d day and I still have trouble sleeping. When does it go away?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Have you not read anything people have been posting?

It won't go away. It can't go away. You have zero answers because you haven't really done anything about it or given her any consequences.

Again, how do you know for a fact it was not physical?? You don't. Why? Because you don't have proof of it and your wife has proven she's a liar unless confronted with said proof.

Read the responses. Again. Then read them once more.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does your wife work with this guy? You were unclear on this point.

What have you done to find out what they are doing now?

If you don't take part in your thread there is little we can help you with.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Yes it's cheating. 

She is minimizing.

You need to stop pulling things together. Ether she is not doing more than you know and is deluding herself with the "it makes our marriage better" or she is doing more and smoke screening you. Besides , who is it better for? Her? Is a little wild nookie worth it when you consider who she is thinking about isn't you?

Read my thread, be warned it's long. You might need the time to catch up like I did, but don't make it too easy for her. Maybe you snap her out of it with some tough love early.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62404-need-help-coping.html


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

EsaT said:


> Over a month and a half since d day and I still have trouble sleeping. When does it go away?


Never.

what have you done about the affair?

What have you done to work on you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Anything that a reasonable person would perceive, as either illicitly overt or covert behavior or actions, that is transpiring between individuals, who are either unmarried or emotionally uncommitted to each other, more especially without their partners knowledge, is preeminently deemed to be defined as "cheating!"

No "and's," "if's," or "but's!" *


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

EsaT said:


> Over a month and a half since d day and I still have trouble sleeping. When does it go away?


It lessens, but it never goes away. Don't believe me? Go read some of the reconciliation stories. If I ever find out my wife had any sexual or intimate contact we are done. We have a ton of helpful people who have, in their words, successfully reconciled. We have a poster who is in denial about how it effects him. 

They have helped me learn intimacy is my line. I'm not triggering 20 years down the road because my spouse had sex with someone else. Hell, my wife had an EA and I almost left over words.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

My FWH claimed at first that he didn't think having a virtual chatting,texting,sexting relationship with someone he had never met was cheating. But, of course that was not true, because if he had not thought it was cheating or even wrong, he would not have hid it from me, right?
But he did. It took me a few months to figure out what was happening and I am sorry to say it happened more than once.

You know it's cheating. She is giving herself to another in thought word and virtual deed. The intent is there. My FWH told the OW he loved her. To me that was worse than the sexting which he considered fantasy. The problem was the she was a real life breathing feeling person, not just a fantasy.

You don't 'get over it' you put a stop to it, insist she goes no contact and is completely transparent. Set your boundaries. If this is a deal breaker then deal with it. It will not just go away, it will just be hidden under the rug.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

EsaT said:


> Over a month and a half since d day and I still have trouble sleeping. When does it go away?


You need to answer some questions before we can help. What are you doing with regards to MC or IC?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why do you believe it never went physical?

Just in case no one asked, did you contact OM's wife, without warning your wife of course.

Did your wife write a NC text?


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## EsaT (May 7, 2014)

We have made some progress. She has not texted him since I caught her. She brought up the suggestion of changing jobs so that they're not together (which I absolutely agreed with) and I have full access to her phone. I believe contact has dropped off, if not stopped altogether because she's not as passionate in the bedroom as before I caught her (of course this bothers me too). 

I also read a book "healing infidelity: how to build a vibrant marriage after an affair". There are actually a lot of parallels to my situation. The one thing that has struck me, and it was mentioned in these threads is the "trickle truth". When I found out, I had a lot of evidence, but didn't divulge it all at once. I wanted to see if she would tell the truth (which she didn't). I had to keep pulling more out of her by presenting more facts.

I believe that her not coming clean right away and telling me everything is what I am having the most trouble dealing with. What hasn't she told me?? What else happened. There are a couple of opportunities when they could have gotten together (just before Xmas when I was away for a weekend, over New Years when again I was away, and one time a couple months ago when she got home a few hours late from work and gave me a lame excuse as to why she was late. This was all before I knew, and now I wonder if anything happened, and I have no way of knowing. 

Now I have recurring dreams and I am always paranoid that something more happened (or is still happening). I lay awake most nights. In the book I read, the cheating spouse divulged everything with details, and I think that helped towards reconciliation. Getting the trickle truth will always leave me wondering what more happened, and whether or not it's completely over. I ask her why she lied to me, and she said it was to protect me. I know that the truth may hurt, but it will also help in the healing process. Every time I see her on her phone now, I get a sick feeling, every time she goes out, I wonder if she's going to see him, and I feel powerless now with no way of knowing if she's talking to him at work, or emailing or contacting him some other way. I want to believe its over, but my mind is constantly playing tricks on me. 

I still feel like I am the one going more out of my way too. Maybe it's just a feeling I have, or maybe I have too high of expectations on what she should be doing. In any case, it's amazing how one incident can become so life changing, and how one can go from leading a happy normal life to becoming depressed and confused. Maybe someday I'll get the whole story, and I can go back to feeling normal again  Despite all this turmoil, I want to try and make it work.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Polygraph!!!*


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/176962-useful-threads-resources-tam-web.html

The 180 List

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

No More Mr Nice Guy


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