# We are nothing more than roommates



## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Facts...
Married 13 years
2 kids (11 & 6)
Sex life: once a month if lucky
Romance: 0

I love my husband but feel I am not "in love" with him. I know it sounds cliche but there is simply no desire. I think there could be if he treated my like he wanted me.

He says he is in love with me but never really shows it.

No compliments, no romance, gifts only on special occasions. A peck on the way out the door and one at night if he is not already snoring.

He is a great father and a good person in general.

I keep saying their are a lot of guys out there a lot worse but is this all life has in store for me? It makes me terribly depressed and gets worse every day.

I don't want to hurt my children but don't want them growing up in a loveless marriage.

When I have tried to talk to him he says it is a two way street which is true but feel like I do do the little things, plan date nights etc. and when it is never reciprocated I just feel defeated.

I told my husband Monday that I want a separation hoping that would shock him into some type or realization.

He asked me what a a separation was and then said he would look it up on the internet.

We have definitely become nothing more than roommates.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

He asked you what a seperation is? cmon now...sounds like a game player. Yes there are a lot worse guys out there, and a lot better too.

I've come to the conclusion that some people are just relationship lazy and/or relationship dumb.

Too bad when kids are involved. I dated a girl years ago that her parents "stuck together" for the kids. Dad dwelled in the basement like a troll, and mom upstairs. Never seen such an unhappy household. So staying together can be more damaging.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

honestly martino, i asked my H for a separation and he wont even mention the topic. you can say the word separation in loads of ways and it stil wont go into the brain to be uploaded to deal with.
its a denial thing.
its just his way of dealing with it. but its stil not getin us n e where.
because he wont communicate about the marriage or try and talk to even fight for the marriage.
In many cases my H coping ways are just letin me have my space and i wil come around. 
only this time im not and i think its his disbelief.

so 13 yrs, mine is 14 yrs and i just think you have to make the decision to go or not.
at the moment, for us, there are certain things , we cannot think about moving out. but for us the matter isnt really financial. and finances in most cases are the biggest problem in many separations.

i told my H , "i dont want to be with you no more " , (march 7) , and i really mean it.
were civil in the house and there are no arguments, but there wil have to be a time to discuss the implications of moving on and i dont think my H wil budge on many aspects.
and im not staying in the marriage for children.
although mine at this time, no nothing of our situation.
but it not appropriate at the moment for them to know n e thing yet.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

We discussed his moving out on May 1st but I feel like unless I find him an apartment he is not going to do it and I don't want him to feel like I am shoving him out the door.

I want him to fight for our marriage but it does not look like he is going to.

I feel like sending him a list of apartments he should go see but then he will complain I am being controlling. If I don't May 1st is simply going to come and go with no mention.

I am honestly considering buying another house....aaagggghhhh!


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

martino said:


> He asked you what a seperation is? cmon now...sounds like a game player. Yes there are a lot worse guys out there, and a lot better too.
> 
> I've come to the conclusion that some people are just relationship lazy and/or relationship dumb.


I would say "relationship lazy" is a really good summarization.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

My (ex)wife and I were married for just under 20 years. The last few of them we were also room-mates (and not even in the same room!). 

I sat her down one night (early November) and talked about us: what were we doing, where were we going, etc. She didn't know. So we then discussed separation, me moving out, paying the mortgage, etc. 

So after thanksgiving I moved out to my own apartment. It was weeks before I quit crying (I missed the family "noise"), but I did move on. 

The kids were mostly grown (still had a 13 yo daughter) so that wasn't a problem. I explained to each of them what was happening. 

Someone told me once that is was a 20 year mistake. I do not disagree with that assessment. However, the kids were wonderful; that's the good side of it. 

I didn't feel bad about marrying nor separating. But "we" were no more. I developed other relationships which were good (just not marrying types). 

So, sometimes you just have to get on with life. If he won't look for an apartment, check into some motels that offer weekly rates. That will give him a place to go and likely goad him into looking for himself. Or, even better, make him think about what he's losing (you) and want to make it better.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

dcrim said:


> My (ex)wife and I were married for just under 20 years. The last few of them we were also room-mates (and not even in the same room!).
> 
> So, sometimes you just have to get on with life. If he won't look for an apartment, check into some motels that offer weekly rates. That will give him a place to go and likely goad him into looking for himself. Or, even better, make him think about what he's losing (you) and want to make it better.


Hello dcrim...

I have asked for the separation to hopefully show him what he would be missing. It is not a bluff though. I will proceed with divorce if something does not change.

Are you happier now?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm happier, overall, yes. In the short term, immediately after separating, I didn't like being alone. But I did not miss my wife (I missed the family "noise" as it were). We'd already grown too far apart. It was an amicable separation (and subsequent divorce), no hard feelings. 

I've had a couple of relationships long after moving out. She finally filed for divorce and got it. I didn't find out about that until 3 years afterwards, and then only when I filed for myself.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

13years said:


> We discussed his moving out on May 1st but I feel like unless I find him an apartment he is not going to do it and I don't want him to feel like I am shoving him out the door.
> 
> I want him to fight for our marriage but it does not look like he is going to.
> 
> ...


i dont know how it works for you, but over here, dont move out of the house. it gives them rights, because you left the house voluntarily.
i admit im gonna find it hard. ive got lots of issues to deal with.
but i wont give up without a fight.
i love our home, H hates it.
i did think like you. just to get out i wil get a place.
i wil manage. but im not giving the house away to him.


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## helen (Apr 14, 2009)

hi there, my name is helen. and i know exactly how you feel. i have been married for four years today. we have two amazing kids. i am not in love with my husband at all and feel so sad all the time. i am considering to leave him but dont know how. i feel like i deserve more than a room mate, my life is so empty. he is just marride to me and that is good enough for him ,, for me i need love ,,, the I CANT LIVE WITH OUT YOU kind of love. i told him i wanted a seperation too, but all i got was,, some cold answer. i feel like my life has no meaning. so i feel you, you are not the only one in that emotional hell holl.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Hang in there Helen. What was the cold response he gave you? Were you able to come up with a plan. I am going with my realtor tomorrow to look at houses. I figure we will flip a coin to see which one keeps this one and which one moves.


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## helen (Apr 14, 2009)

OMG i think you are marriage to my husband or their mother is the same, everything you said,,,, sound like my husband and me.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

helen said:


> OMG i think you are marriage to my husband or their mother is the same, everything you said,,,, sound like my husband and me.


You are most definitely not alone. Feel free to send me private posts if you would like.


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## helen (Apr 14, 2009)

well for everything i said, he will answer" i don't know,,, what do you want me to do? i mean not even in words.. but like with dog notices.

sorry if you don't understand me. English is my 3rd language.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Hi Helen, what is your primary language? I speak a little Spanish. Google has a language translator that is great.

Language Tools


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## helen (Apr 14, 2009)

today was suppose to be a happy day, we were married exactly four years ago. i have been crying a lot. and i can move out, since i don't have a job or friends, and i cant talk to any member of my family, about it. i feel so sad.


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## helen (Apr 14, 2009)

well i am from east Africa, so my language is called Amharic and i speak Italian too. but i understand you, i mean, putting my feelings in to words has been very hard. how is your marriage? i was so happy when i saw that there are other people like me. thank you for talking to me.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Hi Helen. It does help knowing yo are not alone and I thank you for your posts as well. Can you get a job? It can make it a little easier if you know you can support yourself. You won't feel so trapped.


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## Jooky (Apr 17, 2009)

13years said:


> I want him to fight for our marriage but it does not look like he is going to.


My wife of 5 years walked out on me Monday. And, although there were other issues involving money and mutual substance abuse, I think the primary one was, I didn't romance her. And she told me. And I didn't listen. I wooed her when I met her at a poetry show at which I was performing. I proposed to her on stage in a poem I wrote for her. Since then, I've been working and being married -- the romantic stuff like that has faded and seemed insincere when I did try.

However, I'm hoping it is just this, in my case. I can bring back the romance. Having her gone for 5 days has really hurt and, alhtough I'm aware that may just be an emotional reaction and not a true response to her leaving, I really want her back. I want to win her back. And I can.

But she's asked for her space, and I've done my best to give it to her. She's supposed to call me tonight. I hope it can be solved with romance. I hope it can. Not seeing or talking to her is killing me.

I feel your pain, and I can understand a bit of my wife's by looking at it though your eyes. A man's wife is a special, unique, amazing creature -- and he needs to tell it, show it, and live it. Or she'll leave, and rightfully so.

I'm sorry you're not romanced by your husband. You deserve better. If you're unhappy, leave. Your being unhappy and living in an unhappy househould won't help the kids.

Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, 13years, look at my posts and you'll see I could have written yours. My husband has been unable to process the degree of unhappiness I'm feeling--I mean, he's just been falling apart at the seams. So I said, ok, just think of this as the first time we've ever had a really big problem in our marriage that we are both aware of and willing to work on. He can handle that. I've told him the truth, that I'm not sure what I want or even if I WANT it to work out, but I'm willing to try. But, he does not want to hear that. So, he will be hit between the eyes if/when i decide I have to move on. I'm unwilling to live in a sexless marriage with someone I only like/am fond of/love in a platonic way. I've had years of that and need to move on. I'm so desperate for love that it scares me a little; I feel very vulnerable. At the same time, I can see myself having an affair just for the sex. Either way is wrong, wrong, wrong, in my book, and if/when that seems about to happen, I will leave and he will be SO SHOCKED. But I told him and I've got him going to counseling, and I'm going too (we're doing individual counseling right now) so I have started the process for working through as each of us needs to. 

In the meantime, I'm going through the motions, enjoying my life and my friends, hoping my feelings will somehow change although it is so hard to imagine they will. His inability to cope with what I had to say just confirms for me his general inability to cope with life without me, and I'm tired, tired, tired of that. I know this post will sound angry and biased, and that's how I feel tonight. Soon the guilt and compassion will kick in and I'll respond differently, but that's ok too. I have set no deadlines for myself and can take as much or as little time as I need. Send him the list of apartments or motels, and do not let his complaints get to you. If you need the separation now, you need it, and have a right to make it happen. It is only a step, and not an irreversible one, either, after all. Keep us posted, and good luck.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Update....

Ok, now I am a bit baffled. I asked my husband for a separation back on April 6th and we agreed he would move out of the 1st of May. As I have said we have become nothing more that roommates and feel I do everything. He thinks I am always in a bad mood so blames me for him not being able to show any romance because of my "attitude". I have tried to explain that him not helping or showing ANY affection is what makes me so irritable. It has become a what came first "the chicken or the egg" type of situation.

In any case.... over the weekend he did laundry, the dishes, cooked dinner one night, cleaned out a closet, took our 6-year-old daughter to see the Hannah Montana movie (he never does anything with our daughter), never said a mean thing to me and took our van to the shop today to get fixed...???? In short, he REALLY helped out.

Do you think he is doing this because he has seen the light or is he just trying to do these things so he will look better in the eyes of the courts if it comes to that?

I want to be positive but have been burnt too many times.

I am not sure how to acknowledge the good things he is doing because I do not want them to stop. I feel like these are the types of things he should help with all the time not just because I asked for a separation. I am really afraid if I don't proceed with the separation his efforts will stop.

Would really like some advice here.

As a side note... he watched Fireproof and I am wondering if something clicked for him.


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## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

Gosh, I am in a very similar boat that you are in, except I am barely going on 2 years being married and three years of living together. I see myself in all you have said - I have even told my husband I feel like we are just best friends living together raising kids. 

I am in some ways happy to see someone I can relate to and sad because I can relate to exactly how this is making you feel. I hate feeling this way and I am stuck too! 

I have told my husband I am thinking we need to be separated for a while and see what happens, where our lives lead us, and if they lead us back to each other...GREAT, but if not then maybe we were just plain not meant to be.

It's not healthy living this way! If you need a friend at all I am here.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

to 13years:

Speaking from a male's perspective, I would like to hear something as simple as "thank you for what you did this weekend". That's it. No lecturing or threats or anything. 

Time will tell if he can stay committed to really changing. But if there's any possibility that you two will stay together, give him the benefit of a doubt.

Good luck.


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## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

D8zed said:


> to 13years:
> 
> Speaking from a male's perspective, I would like to hear something as simple as "thank you for what you did this weekend". That's it. No lecturing or threats or anything.
> 
> ...


That's a great response. I know that is sort of what I have been trying with my husband, even though I feel we are not in a good position in our relationship, we are more "friends" than a "couple", it's good that we are still friends and still love each other.

I read once that men really thrive on touch, so if you are sitting hear him on the couch, a simple rubbing of his arm, holding his hand, etc may help. 

Such actions will only help if BOTH are ready and willing to try, which is where I am right now, deciding if I am ready to put forth the effort it takes.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks Bet and D8zed. I did say thank you. I will keep you updated on the progress here.


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