# a little bit frustrated



## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

I was planning to visit my mom and dad for ten days last week. I already bought the ticket, but couldn't discuss this issue with my husband throughly. I was kinda avoiding, and he is working until late hours. He is not happy to let me go fot 10 days to 7-hour-by- bus distance, so he protested a little. a few months ago we had the same problem and i missed my bus. This time he said "you can go if you want to." But he didn't walked with me and stayed at home. I called him while i was waiting, his voice was trembling and i was very erratic. I ride to my bus,cos i was a bit ashamed, i didn't want to make other people wait again.I wasn't very comfortable with my decision, i didn't realize that 10 days would be that long! Before i get to the 1-hour away city, he texted me. Asked; how the trip going. I answered that i missed him. And he said to me "if only you wouldn't go" At that moment i decided to come back. When i get back he was so happy. He said that he cried a lot, got a stomach pain etc.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

You are frustrated more with yourself it seems, rather than your husband. Why can't he just go with you the next time you plan on going to visit your parents? Maybe for 5 days, or even a week instead of 10 days? Is there a reason he is behaving like this? Have you been unfaithful in the past, or given him reason not to trust you? If not, then he may be childish and controlling, he may even need some form of therapy.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

last time we went together. It was a total disaster. My parents can't stand him. Especially my mother is a bit unstable. One moment she's all good, the next she thinks he abuses me. For example, at the breakfast table, my husband wanted a cup of tea with some cold water in it, from me, the way he said that a bit childish and a bit patronizing, so my mother started a tantrum.She shouted and shouted, then he started to cry, then left their place. I walked after him.He was angry with me at that moment too. In the heat of that moment he said he was really going to divorce. That really hurted me and him and probably my mother, because he came back that day to pour all his venom to her. That was a relief for him. Then he apoligized me, but still doesn't want my parents at our home. 
At that time he wanted me to obey his rules in order to save our marriage. I said i couldn't choose between my parents and my husband. He was unhappy with it but said he loves me so i thought he was kinda ok with that. 
The main problem is that my husband doesn't think that i stand for him against my parents enough. I don't agree with him, because i choose him at the end. My parents didn't want me to marry him, but i choose him anyways. But i also miss my parents. This morning i begged him to go. He said you can go maybe next year. When i insist, he says go if you want to in an angry manner. I don't wanna go with bitter feelings, because i know that he collect these feelings. 
In a sum; I'm confused; cos it's kinda flatters and bothers me at the same time. I really wanted to take a trip to ease my mind. When i articulate this, he says, "are you bored with me already". I even left for a month, he did it twice last year and we were OK with this. This year HIS MOTHER happened to start to live with us, so our dynamics changed. He's kinda jealous that he doesn't have an extra place to go, since his mother is in the next room. He also doesn't want my parents in our place, and if i go, he thinks that would be a wellcome to them. 
I hope my monster in law gets hitched soon, since she has that broke boyfriend who lives off by his loaded parents. Maybe after that i can finally feel free in my own house. I can tell that i feel like a total mess right now. I know that i shouldn't postpone my life by her life plans, but she really annoys me. She's badmouthing my parents all the time even if they didn't said a word since last agust. So yes, i don't wanna leave my husband with his toxic mother and her even worse bf. So this isn't the best time to leave for me. But i feel ashamed since i told all my collegues that i took my annual leave for visiting my parents. I feel like failure of a daughter and so lonely. I talked too much but my head is so full. This kinda blew off the steam....


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Talking helps. I understand where you are coming from- feeling caught between your husband and your parents. I think your mum blowing up at your H (husband) was because she can see what you may not be able to see so clearly, and she just want's to protect you. Like you said, they didn't want you to marry him to begin with but you did anyway. unstable or not, i can sympathize with her there. How old are you and your H? What country are you from? 
Did your H consult you about his mother living with you both? That will add extra pressure on anyone! especially a young marriage. Don't feel ashamed, you can tell your co-workers that something else came up and you couldn't go but you will next time. And do it. 
Because if your H won't go and play nice at your parent's house and tells you that you can go (whiney voice or not) DO IT. He can't have a go at you for going because you gave him the chance to go too, and he said he was happy for you to go. Tell him 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' and he will be even happier to see you after a few days away. 
Normally I would say to always side with your husband, but I really think he has some issues that only professional help can sort out and you can't ignore your parents forever. They grow old quickly and one day you might regret indulging your H and not visiting them, and they won't be around anymore.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

My husband is 5 years younger than me. And that was one of the reasons my parents couldn't accept him that easily. I'm 31. We live in Turkey. I work as a psychologist and he's selling time share vacation. We are married since 2010. 
Mother in law separated with his second husband, who is not my H's father, last april. The plan was accomodate her to a near town, but she's so incapable in a passive agressive way, in never happened. She's young, only 40, was a teen bride, didn't wanna marry my H's father, that was arranged wedding decided by her mother, whom she hated deeply. My father in law wasn't a decent man, or so she says, they don't tell me but she probably cheated on him. I also know before their separation, she cheated on his second husband too. Anyways now we're waiting for his new BF to establish a job for both of them. 
So i don't think she even consulted his son to stay with us. She's taking us for granted. 
A few days ago my husband and she had a big fight. Now they're not talking much and she totally ignores me. I think she sees i'm responsible for their disagreement. So we're in a cold war. I don't want to leave right now because of this. Maybe next month. 
Thanks a lot for your advices


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

It must be a very hard situation. You are a married woman though. When one marry's your spouse comes before everyone else. Side with your husband.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

^ I would normally advocate that mentality but in this case I don't think that would be ideal


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

I'm not totally giving up on my parents or my husband. I decided to give some time. When he's ok with it i'm gonna go, but not right now...


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Margi that is your decision but it seems like he doesn't trust you much. There should be no reason for him to react the way he has about you visiting your family. Of course it will be all well and good NOW until next time. Good luck to you


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm NOT a psychologist, but to me, it sounds as though your husband is afraid of abandonment. 10 days IS a long time to be away, on your own, but he has the choice to join you.

The last time, when he did come along with you, it sounds as though he was trying to establish himself in front of your family. That backfired, and he was embarrassed. I don't blame him for not wanting to come along this time.

However, he needs to accept that it is HIS choice to not join you, and be comfortable in his decision to stay home.

Instead, he throws a fit and guilts you into returning. And you did.

This only reinforces the fact that he can manipulate you, and it will likely continue and escalate in the future.

I have first-hand experience with emotional and psychological manipulation from my ex-wife. It started out small, little guilt trips here and there, resulting in me doing things her way, or based around HER needs. She mastered this technique over the years until everything just became instinct for me, and she always always always got her way, without even having to pitch a fit anymore. Subtle, but effective, and I never really even noticed.

The next step was that she lost any respect she may have had for me, and became frequently angry that I was "not independent". The irony killed me.

When one partner has lost respect for the other, it's never easy to recover. I was in a catch-22 situation, and I was trapped. There was no way out. Asserting myself would only lead to more guilt trips and fits. Doing things her way emasculated me, in her eyes and mine.

My ex was a lot like yours, it appears. Unable to do things on my terms, go anywhere without me, or take part in things that benefitted me and not her, yet complained to no end that I wasn't independent enough.

She had no respect for me no matter what I did. Didn't respect me enough to make my own decisions, or decisions that involved both of us, and no respect for me because I didn't take the reigns in my life enough. No win situation.

She eventually left me for some other guy, presumably because I wasn't "man" enough for her.

Don't make the same mistake.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

Kylie84 said:


> Margi that is your decision but it seems like he doesn't trust you much. There should be no reason for him to react the way he has about you visiting your family. Of course it will be all well and good NOW until next time. Good luck to you


Even after that big fight, he seemed to be OK with me to visit my parents. We were ok with not seeing each other even for months. I think our main problem is his mother. Now completely ignores me, and his son (they had a fight and they don't talk). I don't know if i'm a dreamer but i believe that our problems gonna be easier to solve when she gets out of our lifes. I know this gonna be painful but i like to conquer. I still have 40 days of leave for next year, when i got some money, i'm gonna leave for 3 days at least.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You don't need to feel guilty for wanting to visit your parents. They are your family, they gave you life and raised you to be the woman your husband wanted to marry - there's no reason at all why you should feel bad about going to visit them. He is whiny about it when you go because he knows it works to make you feel guilty and you will give in and stay home. Don't let that become a pattern or you will lose your family and will be left only with his.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

alexm said:


> I'm NOT a psychologist, but to me, it sounds as though your husband is afraid of abandonment. 10 days IS a long time to be away, on your own, but he has the choice to join you.
> 
> The last time, when he did come along with you, it sounds as though he was trying to establish himself in front of your family. That backfired, and he was embarrassed. I don't blame him for not wanting to come along this time.
> 
> ...


Actually he offered me to join but stay in a different house of ours.(we have 2 fully furnished houses in my parents town) I consulted this to my brother and he found this inacceptable too. My parents especially my mother would make a fuss about this.

You might be right about this abandonment fear. I have the same also... I have difficulties about conceiving. I'm 5 years older than my husband. He's pretty handsome etc. I have an ongoing rival with my M.in Law. 
My main concern is solving this disagreement with my husband and my parents. And i see my mother in law responsible in this. My husbands fight with my mother in law was a huge step. I don't see this a victory, but i stated clearly to him that he needed to draw the line. It's not OK for her to use our home as hers only. It's not OK for her to invite her BF every night without consulting us. Now my husband come clean that it's not ok, she became all sulky. 
I must admit we have an emotionally threeway relationship since last April. Someone is very manipulative, and that is the monster in law. My husband might have these traits also. But not as much as hers. Because whenever we had fights, she seems to be with me. That way she tries to be her place permanent. Now i don't wanna play her game anymore. I also love my husband. I think he does also...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

margi said:


> Someone is very manipulative, and that is the monster in law. *My husband might have these traits also.*


Oh yes, he does. He very much has these exact same traits. He learned from his mother, and he uses them on you already. That will get worse as he sees that manipulating you works because you love him.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

norajane said:


> Oh yes, he does. He very much has these exact same traits. He learned from his mother, and he uses them on you already. That will get worse as he sees that manipulating you works because you love him.


My former MIL was masterful at this. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Using guilt to get your way is unbelievably effective when it's being used on someone who loves you. And as I said above, it usually turns into resentment that you are not being independent. 

Nobody wants a doormat, no matter how much they appear to. I, and many others here, learned this the hard way. You THINK you're doing the right thing, as it "shows you love them", but it's quite possibly the worst thing you can do to this personality type.

In retrospect, I wouldn't have allowed my ex wife to get her way all the time. I also wouldn't have been an ass about it.

You really have to walk a line with these people, and it's not easy.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

The thing is, i wasn't ready to face with my parents i guess. The last time we talked face to face, they were pretty certain about he's not good enough for me, it's OK for me to divorce etc. 
Also my husband claims that they are bad influence for our marriage. He is pretty certain that they're not welcome in our home. They especially my mother lost all her chances. 
On the other hand, monster in law made peace with his son yesterday. I happened to read some of their facebook messages with her Boyfriend, they're both delirious. They think i did some black magic or used hypnose on my Husband. I think they are perfect for each other cos they are both schizotypical... 
I'm not very proud about reading those messages but this is the only communication way. We're living in the same house but we barely talking. 
I'm very tired about all those mother-in-laws situation. My main concern is get on track with my life. I don't want no drama with her or my parents anymore. I see that every act i've done in that house or my weight is a discussion topic with mother in law and her boyfriend. I don't wanna be subtle anymore, i don't wanna live with her anymore. But that's impossible. I tried to get along with her before. I couldn't succeed. Yesterday i asked my husband that, he said it's between you and her, i won't get involved.But we can't share him, that's our problem and he can't see that.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

I have an update!
Today i made a telephone conversation with my parents. Especially my mother was really bitter about this situation. She said she didn't give up on me yet. She thinks that i'm being holded against my will. I said it wasn't so. She also insisted that she wanted to talk to my husband on the phone at least. At new years day he didn't talk to her on the phone... He still doesn't answer their calls, and probably will not in the near future.
I was in a total confusion last days... I finally talked to the psychiatrist whom i work with, she also saw my husband and his parents so she knows what i'm dealing with. She offered to talk to him altogether. She also agrees that he acts manipulatively. She thinks that he might have reflected his family issues (he doesn't talk to his daddy, his daddy doesn't talk with husband's mom, his brother doesn't talk to both his mom and my husband) to ours. I also admitted that my mother has in-law issues with my brothers' wives. We'll talk it through tomorrow. IT felt great to talk to some professional finally. Before that i had a great prejudgement about how it would affect me professionally. Now i feel better.


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