# Is this a reason to leave?



## kza (May 18, 2011)

I am 39 years old, married for 15 years as of today, with two beautiful boys ages 14 and 12. If you had asked me 15 years ago what I would expect my 15-year anniversary to mean, I would have probably said that if you can make it 15 years, than I think you are golden. Now the thing I want to tell my husband is I'm sorry I'm not someone else. Either he is really unhappy with me, or else he wants me to think he is. Throughout the course of our marriage, I have been told I'm lazy, incompetent, that any other woman would have made a better wife, that no other man would ever want me, that I'm a dumbass, that I could f**k up a wet dream (sorry - those were his exact words), that it was an imposition for me to ask him to drive me to a doctor's appointment where they recommended I have a driver because he had planned to sleep in. This man gets drunk every night, over our 15-year marriage has been the designated driver for us so few times I could count them on one hand. When he comes home from work and could spend time with me and/or our children, he goes and hangs out with the neighbors. He feels he earns the privilege of going and playing league volleyball 2-3 nights per week plus 6 hours or more on Sunday, yet yells at me if I want to sit down for 15 minutes on Saturday to enjoy a cup of coffee. We NEVER go out alone anymore, and even for our 15th anniversary he downgraded from being open to a weekend alone, to an evening alone, and now going to restaurant down the street (food is good but not romantic ambiance at all) and take the kids with us. When he is home with me and I have a chance to actually have a conversation with him, he is always watching television and tells me that I need to be quiet because I am talking over the good parts. We rarely have sex anymore, and these days it is becoming more common that he is drunk to the point of impotence. 

I am married and yet so totally lonely. I have put in years thinking one day he will wake up and notice that while I have never admitted to being perfect, I am a good person and a good wife and I deserve at least as much attention as he gives the neighbors. These days, I'm tired of waiting for him, but I feel like I am being selfish if I leave simply because I am unhappy. Together we make a comfortable income, have a nice home, and our kids are established in our neighborhood with good friends. He doesn't hit me - he simply ignores me or says mean things. Is my unhappiness alone, in the absence of true physical abuse or infidelity, a reason to leave when I know how big of an impact it will have on our kids?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Think of it this way, with regards to the kids... Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have when they find a partner? Is this the kind of partner you want them to find? Because this is what you're teaching them is acceptable.

As far as grounds for leaving, have you tried talking to him about changing his attitude towards you? How it makes you feel? To me, leaving was a last resort, after I felt I'd tried to resolve the issues as much as I could. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

Thanks PBear. I have talked tried to talk to him. Most of the time, when I try to initiate a serious conversation, he will drop his head to his chest and roll his eyes and just through his body language make it clear he doesn't want to have the discussion. I was ready leave at the beginning of 2010. He cried and asked me to give him six months. He said he acknowledged that he had not been willing to give our relationship the work and attention it needed up until that point that he would make it a priority. I agreed to give him the chance, and his efforts lasted for just shy of two months before he slowly slipped back into his previous bad habits. The only one of the multiple promises he made to me that he kept was that he would quit smoking. What hurts me about this is that during the weeks when he was trying...I have to say it was great. He said he was happier in our marriage, and I think he meant it. But when the weather got warm and volleyball league started and it was warm enough to hang out in the evenings with the neighbors...I lost him to his other activities. After 15 years, I have ended up feeling inferior about myself as a woman, a wife, and as a human being in general. While I know a lot of our issues stem from what I believe to be alcoholism, I still deep down think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because if something were different about me, surely he would want to spend time with me.

As far as the kids go, yes I do worry about them thinking this is normal. But they are old enough that they have expressed concerns and I have, without degrading my husband, had discussions with them telling them that he has a problem with alcohol and that how he acts is not necessarily how I would want them to behave towards their wives when they are married. We have talked about how his behavior makes them feel, and how they would not want to be the cause of someone else feeling that way. I also hope to steer them away from excessive alcohol intake through these discussion as I know the problem can be inherited. I'm hoping maybe when they see the results of this behavior it will help influence them away from the same mistakes. 

This is an awful thing to say...but I have at times thought it would be easier if he would hit me or have an affair because then I could walk away without doubting that I was doing the right thing. He acts so miserable that I have suggested to him that we separate, but he never leaves.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Your husband is waaay out of line! He is attacking you as a person, your self esteem, etc. This is not healthy. My recommendation would be to separate at a minimum and to get professional individual counseling to help you figure out why you picked him, how to move forward, and how to choose better next time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic.

They usually get worse over time. 15 yrs is a long time to be dealing with that. 

The things he's said to you--totally reprehensible.


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

Thanks, VLR and Jellybeans. To be honest, it has really done a number on my head. You start to think that maybe when he says he things and you get upset, you are the one being unreasonable. I particularly love when he tells me that I simply don't appreciate how lucky I am. It's weird. I never thought my 15-year anniversary would simply depress me, but that is what it is doing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kza said:


> *This is an awful thing to say...but I have at times thought it would be easier if he would hit me* or have an affair because then I could walk away without doubting that I was doing the right thing. He acts so miserable that I have suggested to him that we separate, but he never leaves.





kza said:


> Thanks, VLR and Jellybeans. To be honest, it has really done a number on my head. You start to think that maybe when he says he things and you get upset, you are the one being unreasonable. I particularly love when he tells me that I simply don't appreciate how lucky I am. It's weird. I never thought my 15-year anniversary would simply depress me, but that is what it is doing.


Kza, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and married and just got divorced a little over a month ago. Like you, there were times where I wished he would just hit me cause then it'd be easier to leave (since you cannot see emotional abuse). And like your hub, mine would tell me constantly how "lucky" I was that he married me...that I "won the lottery." Its ridiculous.

You should think about your kids. They will grow up thinking that is totally normal and/or be abusive themselves.

Your husband has problems and you are not one of them.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

@Jellybeans, I think you understand MY situation more than I realized. (regarding my post in the considering separation board)


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

@kza, your husband is emotionally abusing you. It is harder to identify than physical abuse, but your examples are glaring! Please get counseling for yourself and if not that, simply get out of the situation. He needs counseling too, but might not be amenable to that.

Both a friend AND my counselor asked me this: If it was your CHILD in this situation, what would you tell them to do?


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

You are correct that if one of my sons was saying this is now they were being treated by a wife, I would tell them to run. But advice is always easier to give than to take, right? I believe part of my problem is that I have been with this person since I was 18 years old (we lived/dated for 6 years prior to being married) so this is really all I know. And as bad as it can be sometimes, I know what to expect and the idea of trying to start over, with no guarantee that starting over will mean it is better, terrifies me.


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

Well, I just read my last post and have to say this makes me out to be quite the coward, doesn't it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is VERY hard to get out of an abusive relationship. People who haven't been there have ZERO idea. 

The thing is, he has this pattern for 15 yrs now. It's not getting better. Abusers get worse over time...


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

There comes a time when people have to face reality. When you have tried everything in your power to make your marriage work out and nothing happens, then it's time to bail out.

Marriage is a TWO person commitment and BOTH must work on it once the honeymoon is over. There will always be problems which develops over time and it gets worse if left unchecked.

I liken it to a hole in a dam, and if left unchecked gets larger and larger to the point where it becomes harder and harder to fix. Then more holes develop until it finally breaks.

In a marriage, both must realize when there's a problem developing and do something about it before it becomes a major issue.

But if only ONE is trying while the other refuses to admit that there are problems, then there's no hope for it's existence.

Everyone has their breaking point, but unfortunately some wait way too long that when it happens the damage is so severe that it takes forever to heal. Some may even take it out on their next relationship.

All remember that song "Cold, Cold, Heart"? Please don't let yourself get so damaged that you take it out on your next relationship. That person COULD be the one gem you're looking for.


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## Waiting4RightTyme (May 12, 2011)

Hi, everybody. Newbie here. I'm amazed at how similar some of these stories are to my own. kza, I've been told those things before, and I've been called b*tch many times, and I know how much it hurts, especially coming from someone you thought was THE one. I've learned not to initiate ANY conversation with my hubby if he's watching a show (which is 50% of the time) or when he's on the computer (other 50% of the time). But if HE wants to talk, I gotta give him 100% of my attention even if I'm busy doing something. ((rolling my eyes)) Nobody deserves to live the rest of their lives unhappy as you are. I would suggest counseling for both of you. If he refuses to go, then you go alone. It will help you decide what you want the rest of your life to be like.

In my case, I am wanting a divorce but I don't want to kick him out on the streets. He has no family (well, they want little to do with him) to go stay with and his job doesn't pay enough to cover rent, utilities, food, etc. I've been wanting out of my marriage for years. He's loud, rude, and fusses at every little thing. He IS having an EA (started 2 years ago, cooled off a little, then restarted on Mother's Day this year). I'm glad because I don't give him affection much since I don't love him, and I actually WANT him to be happy and find someone else. My family doesn't really care for him, and my kids (all teens) don't either. We have no children together. He's not the same person I married 10 years ago. I haven't been IN love with him for 7 years, but I stayed with him because I didn't really want to be alone and he had nowhere to go anyway. But now, I'm done, and I want him out. But where do I send him??? He does not want to leave and says he'll change anything just to stay with me. I don't want him to change, it's too late for that, and he wouldn't be himself if he changed FOR me. I'm glad I found this site to get advice from others who've maybe been thru this ...


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

I am so glad I found this site as I have never felt more supported and understood. I really have felt for years that it's all my fault and if something were different about me, he would love me and we would have a good marriage. 

Waiting4RightTyme, we did go to counseling several years ago.  It was definitely interesting for me because I went into it knowing that I am not totally without fault (have never claimed to be perfect) and that the counselor would be impartial. Funny thing was, hubby made his complaints and I laid out mine. His complaints about me stemmed from the fact that I wasn't as skinny as I had been before having our two kids, and that I was not as good of a housekeeper as he would like (while admitting that he did not do a lot to help maintain the house in the manner he wanted). My issues dealt with more like what I talked about in my first post - the hurtful, hateful things he said to me. The counselor's suggestions for us really were directed more at him and how he could approach things differently, change what he said to me, and either help me with the house or if not willing to help not ride me about it. We went for I think about 6 sessions (all insurance would allow) and he never once tried a single thing the counselor suggested. So, for this reason, I have a hard time thinking that marriage counseling will help because you are right - it takes two. I am totally willing to admit I am not perfect and I will do anything to work on myself, but he has specifically told me that I'm the only problem in our marriage and we'd be fine if I would just work harder to be a better wife. And you just can't make things better when someone blames the other person 100%.

It has been suggested on this site and by several of my friends that I might benefit from individual counseling. I have considered this, but honestly I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I am whining about how my husband is mean to me and that maybe I'm just not being the grown up I should be. I do realize feeling this way is a symptom of emotional abuse, but I can't help it.


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

Sorry - a lot of my previous post was directed to Kauaiguy and not Waiting4RightTyme. 

Waiting...I meant to address you and say I know how you feel. Although I have invited him to leave multiple times given how miserable he tells me he is with me, he has never left. If he did leave, I'm not sure where he would go. I'm also fairly certain that without our two incomes, neither of us could afford to stay in our current home and keep up with the mortgage/bills. It's just such a miserable situation and the best way I can put it is I don't feel like I'm an integral part of his life. I don't expect him to spend every minute with me, but he seems to prefer spending his minutes with everybody except me. When I try to tell him how I feel, he just says that my feelings are incorrect and that's the end of the conversation. He won't consider that the reason I feel the way I do might be a result of how he treats me.


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## Waiting4RightTyme (May 12, 2011)

kza, You are willing to admit you are not perfect, that's great. But for him to say that it's all your fault 100% (sounds familiar to me, too), then that is definitely NOT right. Don't believe him. Consider yourself validated, because I've heard all the same crap. The reason I mentioned individual counseling if he doesn't want to go is not necessarily to change you to make your marriage better b/c it's your fault--it's to help empower you and make you feel better about yourself from all those years of verbal and emotional abuse and make you realize that it's NOT ALL YOUR fault like he's telling you.


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## kza (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for that. I know it's so weird because I absolutely do not buy into the theory that it's entirely my fault...but you hear it enough and it really does a number on you. I don't know if I would ever even want to be in a relationship after all this, but if I did I certainly do not want that person to have to "pay" by my assuming he is the same as first hubby, but I also need to go into it feeling like I have something to give so I guess that's where individual counseling would be helpful. 

I started dating hubby when I was 18 years old and looking back I know there were clear warning signs but I was just so young and I didn't know that things were not as they should be. He said he loved me and I believed it. Oh, too be young!


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