# Can't just get over it.



## Plastic5 (Nov 3, 2014)

I don't think I identify infidelity as the sole problem at hand, but definitely a factor.

The beginning of our relationship was long-distance, sort of. We were friends in high school, then she moved away for college. When she was in her college town, she would have her boyfriends there, but when she came home every few months, we would spend the whole time together and sleep together. There was no label on our relationship and I was torn up about it, jealous of those other guys, even though I was also fooling around with a girl when she was gone. We knew about each other's love lives, but we were each other's while we were in proximity. 

It really screwed with me. She told me that she loved me and that it was the only love she ever really felt, and that other guys were just distractions. I hated it, but I felt very strongly for her too. It's silly, but I love everything about her. All the "she's funny, pretty, smart, etc." non-sense. It's true and we connect and it's wonderful. But I hated the situation and wanted it to end, so I told her what I wanted and she told me she wanted to get married... So we did. She stopped seeing other guys, I moved to where she was for a bit, we were happy. Then I joined the service a few months later.

Things were tough for the first year-ish of marriage, with the distance and all. She felt I wasn't making effort on my end and voiced feelings of loneliness, I recalled feelings of resentment from the beginning of our romance and was wishy washy about whether the marriage was a smart idea (I know it wasn't), talking about whether or not we should just cut it off because she couldn't stand being alone. It was rough. I had gotten drunk with a concierge lady at a hotel I went to and got frisky (short of sex) and she had admitted that she had "kissed" a classmate. 

We made up.

She decided to move down to where I was stationed, and we made things work. We were happy, and I went on deployment a few months later. It was great. She wrote me e-mails everyday, sent thoughtful, sweet cards and care packages, skyped whenever we could. Then during a Skype conversation, I was recalling our relationship history and it somehow lead to her admitting that she slept with that classmate that she had "kissed" and that it was a long drawn-out chain of hang outs and accepted sexual tension that had resulted in that night. I had her describe everything about their interactions. It was both satisfying and infuriating. She said that she felt awful about it after it happened and that she stopped talking to him immediately after that night, and made the decision to move.

I rode out the remainder of the deployment in a bit of emotional turmoil, very strongly considering divorce, wanting to sever all ties with her, having thrown away all her letters, my wedding ring and a bunch of other melodramatic acts, but at the same time feeling conflicted as our relationship had seemed so nice on the timeline after that one incident.

When I returned from deployment, we worked to mend the relationship we had in addition to seeing a marriage counselor. I have come to think that I have forgiven her, but I still hurt. I don't ever mention it. Period. It's something that I actively try not to do, as if it will help. If I think about it, I suppress it. That's what forgiveness is, isn't it?

We never really have any fights. We agree on most things, she expresses a bit of disdain for my laziness with household chores, but that's about the extent of it. Until lately.

I've been working nights and she's on a day-schedule at school. We've grown pretty distant since I started working on nights around January this year. We've tried to make efforts to get to see each other, having lunch together before I go to work, planning dates for the weekend when she isn't studying, whatever we can to try to keep it alive. But I've been becoming more and more disinterested in spending time with her, and she can tell that my motivation and excitement in arranging time for us together is faltering and she's voiced a bit of concern. I blamed it on the difference of our schedules and the difficulty in trying to maintain intimacy and a connection, which she understands, but I never mention the resentment from the infidelity.

I still love her and care about her, but the infidelity still bothers me. I don't feel like I should still be bothered. I feel like it was so long ago and that if she hadn't told me, I wouldn't have been able to tell that it happened. I teeter totter between how wonderful of a woman she is and how angry I am. It eats me up, and the feeling of emptiness that comes with it has gotten to the worst point in the past week.

For the first time since July last year, I had to leave home for a small exercise, just two weeks. But now I'm having the worst feelings. I feel distant and resentful. She lets me know what she's doing but I don't fully trust that she isn't doing anything with anyone. I have no evidence of anything so I think I'm just being immature and suspicious. It's awful. 

I don't know how to get over it. I tried. We talked about everything between us and the therapist. It won't go away.

She does everything to keep us together, and I want to keep her, but I hate the ill-feelings I have, and they're affecting the way I act. It's very emotionally demanding to keep them suppressed. I need to get over this, and I don’t know how.


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## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

It's something that I actively try not to do, as if it will help. If I think about it, I suppress it. That's what forgiveness is, isn't it?

Suppression and forgiveness are antonyms. Bottling it up will make it worse over time. Please don't succumb to rug-sweeping if you plan to succeed over the long haul.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds like you guys rug swept this.

You really might need to start from square one and address this infidelity.

You are not abnormal to be bothered by this.

If you want this marriage to work, it can. But not without digging this issue up and facing it in all it's ugliness.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

This relationship was always imbalanced, but I sense a but of hypocrisy from you.

So when she was at college she was with guys, while you were also fooling around with someone else, yet her deeds even though you weren't strictly dating trump yours.

She cheated but so did you, and yet her deeds seem to trump yours even though both were wrong.

You're holding all this against her but doesn't she have the right to hold what you did against you? Or did you not tell her?

I never side with cheaters but from what you say she's actually making efforts to be transparent, to communicate with you (to be fair she always seems to have voiced when she feels the relationship is in trouble).

You need to see a counselor. While you're putting everything on her, you yourself must acknowledge your actions, only then can you both work together to save your marriage, but it can't happen if you're not being honest with yourself and her.

Have you told her about your infidelities?


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## Plastic5 (Nov 3, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> Have you told her about your infidelities?


I have. We know in full detail what each other have done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When was the last time that you went to MC?

In a calm manner, and with the MC talk about your feelings.

She can't tear down the wall, without honest communication.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> This relationship was always imbalanced, but I sense a but of hypocrisy from you.
> 
> So when she was at college she was with guys, while you were also fooling around with someone else, yet her deeds even though you weren't strictly dating trump yours.
> 
> ...


If I read the synopsis correctly, after marriage she has had sex with someone else, while he says he has not. 

If that's right, I can see why he's pissed, even though he's semi-guilty too.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

did you tell her about the other woman before or after she told you what she had done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why are her infidelities worse then yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plastic5 (Nov 3, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> did you tell her about the other woman before or after she told you what she had done?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It happened first, a month before her thing. I told her the day after I did it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It sounds as if you both got together just way to young and made promises to each other that you just weren't ready to make or really fully invested in at the time. 

There is nothing wrong with looking at the path your on, and realizing you can get off and make a different life for the both of you, and it not a failure. 

~sammy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One of men's top Emotional Needs is usually Admiration. So when your woman cheats on you, I think men take it hard, but in a different way. As though you aren't good enough to keep her from cheating. When really it's not about you, it's about her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She did what she did in response to what you did.

You both deal with things by not dealing with them.

Marriage counseling.


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