# Counciling?



## Amelia4236 (May 2, 2017)

My husband and I have been unhappy for a long time. It's not always in the forefront when we are together, but its always lurking in the background. Recently my husband told me he can no longer trust me because he overheard me venting my irritations about him to my sister and he told me that I can decide how to move forward. I think that it's totally unfair to put that all on me, but I am considering what we should do. 

I don't think that i can make make him happy long term and even when i am upset with him i still want him to be happy, i dont know if he still really loves me and i have recently started to question if i ever loved him as he deserved. I just dont know if happiness is something we can achieve together. We have so many differences that we didnt notice before marriage and before kids, and there are so many arguments that we have over and over but never resolve. We both keep hurting each other in little ways without meaning too. I don't know if i can be the one for him, and i know marriage is more about being the one than finding the one.

Part of me wants to ask for the divorce that i have been contemplating for over a year.

We have both been so unhappy for so long that it just seems the logical way to proceed, and i think it would be best to move forward with a separation while we are still somewhat amicable, because i know that if we wait until we hate eachother that our priorities might shift from doing what is best for our kids to both of us trying to hurt the other. 

But getting a divorce seems like i'm giving in too easily, that part of me tells me fight for it, but i am not convinced that what we are fighting for is what is best for us. We discussed councilling but he hinted at wanting to end it. I think he wants me to say it.

Ultimately i am just not sure but he is pressing me to make a decision about what we need to do and won't discuss his thoughts, leaving me to stew and ruminate on my own. 

I need advice, what would you do.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

I recommend the marriage counseling before divorce. Breaking up will adversely affect the kids, so you need to try saving the relationship if possible.

Differences are challenging because if a couple can't learn to respect each other despite them, they become divisive and source a lot of unhappiness. 

For me, differences have caused so much hurt in my marriage. I, like you, wonder if my relationship is damaged beyond repair. I wonder if I can ever make my wife happy. I wonder if she can make me happy. Despite the uncertainty of it all, I am beginning marriage counseling with my wife this week, for the first time in nearly 10 years. 

I'm skeptical of how well it will work, but I feel I need to get some outside, professional help. I encourage you and your husband to do the same.

And by the way, I don't think his statement about trust is particularly fair to you. You're entitled to seek help from outside sources on your marriage, and he should not be trying to influence you against seeking such help. I would try to overlook this problem as you move forward, as it seems relatively less severe than other things you've mentioned.

Hope this helps. Good luck!


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I believe in counseling. My wife had Individual Counseling for 8 years. It did help her. But the people involved need to want to be helped.

You do not speak to any issue you have with your husband, or issue he has with you.

I have been unhappy with my wife at times over the years. She has always wanted me to be happy. But she never considered divorcing me. She thought she should go home to her mother once very early in our marriage when I was mad at her, but I told her in no uncertain terms that was not what I wanted and leaving was not acceptable. I have never been timid about communicating with my wife.

What specifically is wrong between you two?

By the way, I never trust my wife. She lies all the time. It's in her nature. Oh well. Just what is really important?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you do not bring up any big issues, like domestic violence, alcoholism, etc, I agree that you should try some serious work on your marriage together before you file for divorce. It sounds like the two of you have never sought any help with your issues. Maybe it time you do.

Marriage counseling can be helpful. Find one who will work with you to improve your relationship and not just help you two accept divorce.

Also, there are two books that could help both of you quite a bit if you both read them and do the work that they suggest. This is as good as, or better than, dozens on hours of marriage counseling. I’m not saying to not do marriage counseling. Do this along with marriage counseling.

The book are “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Do “Love Busters” first because you both have to identify and stop the love busting. Then, once that’s in place, you and start working on meeting each other’s needs. Doing this can completely rebuild the in-love (passionate love) between a couple.

Another thing you might want to try is this organization. They are a sponsor here on TAM. They are legitimate and fund their counseling through government grants so it’s no cost to you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-h...-your-relationship-comfort-your-own-home.html


----------



## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Counselling will only have a chance of working if you go into it open to hearing the ways that you need to change, and for your husband to do the same. If you go into it expecting the counselor to jump in on your side and tell your spouse all the things they are doing wrong, it's not going to work.

For my wife and I, it didn't really help much. At our sessions we felt like we were learning how to deal with problems, but when we got home and back to our day to day life nothing really changed.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I would figure out a time that you know he is free and schedule a counseling session. Don't tell him you're doing it, just tell him that it's scheduled and the two of you are going. You'll need to go to the counselor a couple times but you'll be able to tell if his heart and mind are into it after the third session. If he's all in and wants to put in the work, great. If not, at least you have your answer on the status of things. It's not always telling of if you should definitely divorce or not but at least you get a better idea of where he stands on the marriage.

I did the same with my wife, I just scheduled the session and told her to meet me there. We went to three sessions, both myself and the counselor could tell she wasn't into it and wasn't being open about things, and after the 3rd session she told me she didn't want to go anymore. She told me she didn't believe in it but did want to try and work on things. That wasn't a bad thing as I know some people just aren't comfortable talking to a total stranger about their problems but at least she had told me that she did want to work on things. That was about a year and a half ago, things have been a rollercoaster but for the most part there have been improvements and we are still together.

The bottom line is that yes, you need to exhaust every option before divorce especially if there are kids involved, but at the same time with each thing you try, if something doesn't work you can't look at it as a failure or a tell tale that it's time to divorce. You need to learn from everything you try, every reaction from both of you and then use all of that to make the decision.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amelia4236 said:


> My husband and I have been unhappy for a long time. It's not always in the forefront when we are together, but its always lurking in the background. Recently my husband told me he can no longer trust me because he overheard me venting my irritations about him to my sister and he told me that I can decide how to move forward. I think that it's totally unfair to put that all on me, but I am considering what we should do.
> 
> I don't think that i can make make him happy long term and even when i am upset with him i still want him to be happy, i dont know if he still really loves me and i have recently started to question if i ever loved him as he deserved. I just dont know if happiness is something we can achieve together. We have so many differences that we didnt notice before marriage and before kids, and there are so many arguments that we have over and over but never resolve. We both keep hurting each other in little ways without meaning too. I don't know if i can be the one for him, and i know marriage is more about being the one than finding the one.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married
Have you kids, ages?
Have you tried MC yet? You might need IC first, usually people bring their own issues into the marriage causing a perfect storm.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I always wanted to stick it out...

She always wanted to stick it....where the sun does not shine..

By my insistence, we always "arm wrestled". Whoever won the arm wrestling, won the decided "outcome".

The marriage "out" never came. But, wow, my anus sure hurts. Think about the outcome here. No slip-skimming my words.

Yeah, do the counseling, and maybe a little consoling.

All marriages have dry spells.


----------

