# My 79 year old mother



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I wish she would just die already.

That is not a cruel wish. She is spiraling down into that hell of angry disconnect with the rest of the world around her and it hurts to see it happen. She is a wonderful woman who helped so many people in her life - and doesn't deserve to decline like this.

I'm all she has left. Dad died in 2001 and all of her friends are gone. She lives in a wonderful Masonic retirement home so there are no worries on my end about how she is treated.

But she sits alone in her room and her mind just grows weeds out of little seeds of comments and perceptions.

She says the 'walls have ears' - that she's being spied on. She's angry at the retirement home for every little policy they make.

When she calls my cell phone, I have to answer. A couple of years ago she called me and I answered with "I'm really busy mom, I'll call you right back." So I called her 15 minutes later to find out she was in a car wreck and was calling me first.

Imagine how that sucked.

So now I have to answer the phone.

I'm just sad that she is in such decline and looking to me to resolve her issues - that I no are not real issues - just big to her. And I can't 'solve' something that's not a problem.

Anyway, my wife is totally supportive of me. Thank GOD I still have her.

I love my mother and promised dad that I'd take care of her. But I can only take so much - especially now.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through that. She's in a hard situation and being in a nursing home doesn't help either. 

Her issues are probably her way of getting the extra attention from you that she feels she needs. Try setting up a couple small "traditions" that happen weekly that she can plan and look forward to, like if she's able, take her to breakfast on Sunday morning and then for a walk or to the museum or somewhere fun that isn't too taxing for her, ask her to make those plans on where to go and what to do. Bring her some papers of current events, or a restaurant guide to help her do that. 

If she's able to do small crafty things, get them for her and ask her if she will do that for "whatever" a gift for someone or something that would help her feel needed and important - obviously within her limitations. It could be putting pictures into a photo album, or putting a scrapbook together, or anything that she is physically able to do, that won't be too taxing.

If you are able to do that, I'm sure you'll find that her "issues" will start to become fewer to deal with. She'll feel valued, important and that she has some sort of purpose and that will go a great distance in helping her be happier with her situation.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

You're right that if I spent more time with her then the situation would be better. But there's that whole 'time' thing. I just can't take a day a week to spend with her.

Today she's taking the train to my house so she can go to our daughter's "fake" Christmas concert (no actual Christmas songs allowed...). So we'll have time together.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

When can you take time to spend with her? A couple of hours during the week? One hour? Whatever it is, make it seem important and ask her to create some sort of plan. That way, even if it's only fifteen minutes, it may have given her much more time to think about and work something out, which would keep her busy.

That's ridiculous that no Christmas songs are allowed. It would be better to allow all kinds of songs for each culture's holiday than to not allow any.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

It's an hour drive to visit her, and she likes to have a 'to do' list ready for me when I get there.

Going over to see her is an all day affair. After my father died, I was able to spend a day with here once every couple of weeks. But my job changed and I can't take the time off like I did. She still expects the same attention, but I can give it to her.

I'm taking her to dinner tonight. She was delighted to be invited.."as long as you don't argue with me....'. Okay, mom. So I basically just have to take a verbal beating and smile.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Dinner was a smash hit. The whole family had fun and it was great to see everyone enjoying themselves.

Funny story. On Friday, my daughter texted me from school asking me to bring some pads (her period just started). I went up there with three and she only took two.

So at dinner she was in deep conversation with her mom and I heard "maybe they have some in the bathroom"...I know what that is. I pulled the pad out of my coat pocket to the stunned amazement of everyone at the table. Dad the hero!

I think my mother is very sensitive to medications. As I was driving her home I asked her what she was taking and she told me she hadn't been taking anything for about a week.


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