# She was never into receiving oral



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi TAM.

Long story short, after 5 years she commented that receiving oral is - not uncomfortable or nothing really special. 

For myself, giving oral is (was) my second favorite thing in sex but I feel it's pointless to continue with it. I mean, it's designed to be pleasurable for her and if it's not then what the hell I'm doing down there? The ass licking received even less of a score. Damn... 

I can only blame myself for this failure. She made it known that thought of oral is downright repulsive. That fell on my deaf ears who was blinded from love and who chalked that up on inexperience and inhibition.

For years I've secretly celebrated that I've released her from that inhibition and now it's part of our regular activities only to hear that my 'success' is merely toleration instead of enjoyment.

So, Is my decision to 'phase out' these activities the right one? I'll miss them dearly but I don't see the point in doing them to her anymore.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

I refuse to believe the sensation is putting her off. The mind is a messed up thing. Most likely she was indoctrinated from a young age into thinking 'that place' is dirty or something along those lines...


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Carlchurchill said:


> I refuse to believe the sensation is putting her off. The mind is a messed up thing. Most likely she was indoctrinated from a young age into thinking 'that place' is dirty or something along those lines...


Believe what you want, but I'm also someone who really loathes receiving oral, and it's not because I feel like it's dirty or something. I genuinely do not like how it feels, and it's really awkward for me to have his head down there while I just lie there not doing anything. He does it occasionally and I'll let him, but it's not something I encourage or ask him to do.

If she is telling you that an activity like that is repulsive, than it's my opinion that phasing it out is the right decision.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> Hi TAM.
> 
> Long story short, after 5 years she commented that receiving oral is - not uncomfortable or nothing really special.
> 
> ...


Does she enjoy giving you oral sex? Some women actually prefer giving and strongly dislikes receiving. Yes, it's true, some women are actually wired like that. Weird, yes. But they exists. Some of them are like that because they like being in control, and dislikes being controlled. So it's not you, but it's their internal wiring.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> Hi TAM.
> 
> Long story short, after 5 years she commented that receiving oral is - not uncomfortable or nothing really special.
> 
> ...


I ve seen men with a strong personality like you have get their wives to the awesomest things, but then they give their wives a reason to stop believing in the power because they do not apear to believe in it themselves anymore.. Worst part was that some of these couples break up soon after and the same wives take and practice the new knowledge in their new relationship.

Short: Instead of taking her stand to oral sex serious, better focus on what has made its value diminish. This will be

a) You always peeping for whether she likes it -> You do not believe what your are doing is good -> She falls back into her former conditioned standpoint to it
b) You adoring going down on her too much (YES! I ve met women who just cannot befriend the idea of a man who is a *****licker. This aint your fault. The only men who I know who solved this problem, were the ones who would combine oral sex with a fantasy of her not beieng able to defend herself etc..)

If you take stuff too serious in your relationship, then you have started to dig its grave my friend.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What's the big deal? If she doesn't like oral, she doesn't like oral.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> I refuse to believe...


Yeah, I did just that.  I don't think she's indoctrinated, her mom is not an assertive person and she is not religious.



EntirelyDifferent said:


> I genuinely do not like how it feels, and it's really awkward for me to have his head down there while I just lie there not doing anything.


The 'doing nothing' is easy solved: 69. But, since you described yourself as asexual person I understand your awkwardness.

The word - repulsive - was used just once at the very beginning of our relationship while she was still an oral virgin (valid term?). That's the reason why didn't took her seriously. She never said anything badly about it later on but also nothing flattering.



john_lord_b3 said:


> Does she enjoy giving you oral sex?


No. She isn't the giving type really.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

jaquen said:


> What's the big deal? If she doesn't like oral, she doesn't like oral.


As I've said in my first post that is something that I really like to do.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I bet when you were dating she was not saying a word about it. 

I think you should let her know that you loveher and [EVERY PART] of her and you doing it means something special to you since you love her taste,softness and everything else..

Years and years ago I have sex with a woman that stopped me for going down on her and we had no second date.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

dubbizle said:


> Years and years ago I have sex with a woman that stopped me for going down on her and we had no second date.


ROFL dude no decent girls/women allow that action on the first date


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Gotta disagree with you on that big time,women can like sex just like us and oral is part of my deal no matter how many dates we had.
. 
I had sex with a different woman on the second date and she has been my great wife for the past 24 years.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

dubbizle said:


> I think you should let her know that you love her and [EVERY PART] of her and you doing it means something special to you since you love her taste,softness and everything else..


I'm telling her literally as you have written it and she knows this and that makes her happy but apparently it's not enough that she enjoys the act itself.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> No. She isn't the giving type really.


bad sign brother..


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

In my experience. Customers who came with such problems were those who were floating into a huge storm.

It isnt about her not wanting oral. She is starting to reason her not wanting you, soon it could be the relationship if you dont stop playing the puppy and if you dont stop taking her too serious.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

john_lord_b3 said:


> bad sign brother..


I agree with this. Does she actually like sex? Or just lay there and wait for you to finish? Are you sure there has never been any sexual trauma in her life?

Personally, I couldn't be with a partner who didn't like receiving oral sex. But have you ever considered your technique might be the issue? Just because past partners enjoyed it, it doesn't mean you're doing it right for your wife.

Just some things to think about...

C


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> As I've said in my first post that is something that I really like to do.


And she's let you do it all this time.

But your post isn't lamenting that she has refused to let you do it. It's lamenting that she doesn't enjoy what you're doing.

You can't make her like something she just does not.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> She is starting to reason her not wanting you, soon it could be the relationship if you dont stop playing the puppy and if you dont stop taking her too serious.


I'm not sure what you're saying here. Why shouldn't I take her words seriously? They were said while we had serious conversation.



PBear said:


> Does she actually like sex?


The thing is, with her confession we're back to square one sexually. Now I see that we have different views on sexuality. She uses sex to feel loved and she likes kisses, lots of kisses and touches, lots of touches and penis-in-vagina sex. 

I'm all for it, 100% but I'd love some variety. I want to be playful, adventurous. I want new things to try and experience. I want to sexually evolve and grow with her.

It's not happening. She is willing to try almost anything for me but she's clearly not into it which in turn makes doing new stuff pointless for me. I appreciate her efforts and saddened that it's not enough just to say yes and be uncomfortable with it. 

She knows that I want some variety but doesn't offer any ideas of her own. It seems that she is much less sexual person than me?


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> I'm not sure what you're saying here. Why shouldn't I take her words seriously? They were said while we had serious conversation.


Yes a conversation which you took serious, while she was just wanting to express herself emotionally. Most men cant hold back and force their wives to argue with them. Every word you say to state your point is just another reason for the partner to defend herself. And believe me, their is no fairness in this play.

The reason you arent getting anywhere is because you think that she doesnt understand you. She understands you better than you understand her, she only doesnt feel like agreeing with your point of view.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Hi TAM.
> 
> Long story short, after 5 years she commented that receiving oral is - not uncomfortable or nothing really special.
> 
> ...


I'm in the same boat as you dude, though my fiancee won't allow oral sex on her at all, outside of a few instances. I do like performing oral sex, but in our five year relationship, I've been south of the border less than 10 times I figure, and only twice when she wasn't tipsy/drunk. The last time I was down there when she was sober was I'd say about four years ago.

So I have phased it out. I bring it up from time to time in conversation, and she has thought about it a bit, but a past sexual trauma has her very much against oral sex and I honestly doubt it will change.

So why did I phase it out? Same reason that you are contemplating phasing it out in your situation. If she isn't getting anything out of it, why would I be down there? I mean, yes, I enjoy doing it, but sex to me is just as much about making my partner happy, and I know she'd be uncomfortable with me down there. So I don't go down there. Why do it if the only one getting any real enjoyment out of it is me? And if I'm the only one enjoying it, that level of enjoyment decreases a lot.

I feel for you man, it does suck, and I think the worst part about it is when you take oral sex off the board, often you are taking a lot of other things off the board as well, as women who don't like oral sex it seems aren't as open to trying other things sexually as well. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but if you aren't open to having your partner give you oral sex (which is the second most common form of sex behind PiV) then odds are you'll have reservations about other forms of sex, positions, role play, etc.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I feel for you man, it does suck, and I think the worst part about it is when you take oral sex off the board, often you are taking a lot of other things off the board as well, as women who don't like oral sex it seems aren't as open to trying other things sexually as well. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but if you are open to having your partner give you oral sex (which is the second most common form of sex behind PiV) then odds are you'll have reservations about other forms of sex, positions, role play, etc.


There does seem to be a correlation. My wife is definitely in the no oral, no fingers, no toys, just-the-penis-thank-your-very-much camp. I mean, why would anyone want to put their face in that disgusting place?

OP, since you haven't convinced her to like it by now, chances are you never will. Looks like something to take off the table unless you have an unbearable urge once in a while.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Cletus said:


> There does seem to be a correlation. My wife is definitely in the no oral, no fingers, no toys, just-the-penis-thank-your-very-much camp. I mean, why would anyone want to put their face in that disgusting place?
> 
> OP, since you haven't convinced her to like it by now, chances are you never will. Looks like something to take off the table unless you have an unbearable urge once in a while.


I also agree that there is correlation.

I'll stop initiating it for sure but it won't be off table completely. She also sometimes requests it to please me. It's ironic if you think about it. It should be other way around.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> I'm in the same boat as you dude, though my fiancee won't allow oral sex on her at all, outside of a few instances.


Marriage is still on? That means you're willing to live without it?


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Does she enjoy giving you oral sex? Some women actually prefer giving and strongly dislikes receiving. Yes, it's true, some women are actually wired like that. Weird, yes. But they exists. Some of them are like that because they like being in control, and dislikes being controlled. So it's not you, but it's their internal wiring.


My wife is one such person.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Dear OP (The Stranger),

Before I continue I just want to clarify something really quikc - I'm a girl! I know my username doesn't give any hints but I've been called Mr. Loyal since I joined yesterday. Not that I mind because it's usually not the point but in this case I wanted to clarify this because this is a woman's opinion. (Not women's, just a woman )

On oral sex - personally I think I'm somewhere in the middle on spectrum of how much I enjoy it. Physically it CAN do something for me but mostly it's mentally exciting _(seeing a man between your legs, eagerly willing to do just about ANYTHING for you, mmm)_. I wish I enjoyed it physically more. I don't know if it's just because it (sex in general) is still new to me or I'm very nervous or whatnot.
I had one boyfriend whom I did enjoy receiving oral sex from. A LOT! I enjoy it more overall from my current SO but in all honesty my exSO got a much better physical response from me.
So I ask myself... why?

Whether it's bondage, threesomes, a foot fetish, making your own porn, etc. if you like it you have to SELL it tyo your partner. Don't FORCE it. Don't literally force it, of course. But don't force it by making it 'your' thing either (even if it is for her). Make whatever IT is seem sexy. Kinky. Arousing. In this case IT is oral sex.

The times I did get off on oral (I can count with my fingers... no pun intended) it wasn't just the tongue that did it. It was little things. One time it started feeling a bit uncomfortable so I put my finger in his mouth so he'd lick that instead. He responded by pinning my arms down. That made A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. It turned from uncomfortable to arousing. That's just a tiny example... my point is, no matter what body part you're handling or what you want from her, you ALWAYS have to work on *her most important sex organ - HER BRAIN*.



TheStranger said:


> So, Is my decision to 'phase out' these activities the right one? I'll miss them dearly but I don't see the point in doing them to her anymore.


*NO!* *Psy.D. C. Maso made awesome points, please reread all his posts!* But adding to that, did your wife actually say 'please stop giving me oral sex. I don't want it'? I'm guessing she didn't. (Again, Psy.D. C. Maso's posts make a lot of sense here)
What I advise you to do is tell her why you like giving it to her. Because you want to please her. ALL WOMEN LOVE THAT! Focus on that and focus on your enjoyment too. But don't make that your selling point just use it as you make your selling point. Don't get discouraged by what your wife said, I know depending on my mood or last experience I can talk about oral sex more or less favorably. It's part of being human. Anyway, just make everything you do seem sexy. Make it seem like it SHOULD turn her on. I bet it does/will more than you realize.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Loyal Lover said:


> *NO!* *Psy.D. C. Maso made awesome points, please reread all his posts!*


His view of a loving relationship as a power struggle is not my view. I realize that much of our emotional life is influenced by our basic biological instincts I still disagree with his point.



> What I advise you to do is tell her why you like giving it to her. Because you want to please her. ALL WOMEN LOVE THAT!


This is exactly how I approached the issue. But there is a broader and deeper problem here. She has never experienced orgasm with me in any way. She can do that only when alone. This, in time, has crushed my confidence and her comment on oral is just another nail in that coffin.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Marriage is still on? That means you're willing to live without it?


Yep.

I mean I enjoyed oral sex, but the reason I enjoyed it is for the same reason you do; it gives your partner something. When your partner isn't getting anything out of it, it kills the enjoyment as well.

My fiancee gets enjoyment from me in other things, sexual or not, so I'm fine if she doesn't want oral sex. Once in a while, yes, I'd like to give it to her. It is arousing for me and it'd be something different, plus it is always great to give unselfishly in bed from time to time, but overall, if she's just not into it, I'm fine with not doing it.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> His view of a loving relationship as a power struggle is not my view. I realize that much of our emotional life is influenced by our basic biological instincts I still disagree with his point.
> 
> 
> 
> This is exactly how I approached the issue. But there is a broader and deeper problem here. She has never experienced orgasm with me in any way. She can do that only when alone. This, in time, has crushed my confidence and her comment on oral is just another nail in that coffin.


Thanks for your feedback. 

Maybe you have never turned her that on to orgasm. She can do it herself, that means they sth she craves that you dont provide.

I understand that you havent fell on your nose hard enouph to really understand my point. It is up to you.

In case you have some gutts, I advice you to ask your wife the following question:

"_do you think I am too sensitive?_"

If she replies with no, you are good and continue with your way of life as it is, till you find the right solution for your problem.

If she answers yes or talks around it (which often is in order not to hurt your feelings), then consider she is right and needs someone of more stable character.
Most women have a very good feeling of when a man is too sensitive (= too much on the female side of the equation).



> His view of a loving relationship as a power struggle is not my view


Interesting. Only men who have never tried to modify their personality see it as a struggle. Life should be easy and everyone should understand you?.. The only thing that is easy and shows results is breathing.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

as a guy who has turned several women the "did not like oral".....

hate to say it man, but I don't think it's her......

by turned I mean they then shove your face down there....thats a good sign.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> His view of a loving relationship as a power struggle is not my view. I realize that much of our emotional life is influenced by our basic biological instincts I still disagree with his point.


Well you don't have to agree with him but a lot of what he says can still be applied to you and your wife.

And if I may ask again, did your wife actually directly tell you NOT to give her oral sex?

I may be wrong but it sounds like, whether you are actively a part of it or not, your wife is in a power struggle of some sort with you. She did NOT tell you to stop (I'm assuming but you haven't answered the question) but she did express non favorable opinions on oral sex. (Again, it might have reflected more on the the timing than on the issue overall) It sounds to me like she is challenging you. Not necessarily in a disrespectful way... Perhaps she is challenging you to be more assertive. But I don't think you should respond by giving up on something YOU enjoy doing FOR your wife whom you LOVE.

I don't think my comments can be of much use to you so I will refrain from posting because I'm very new to sex. Maybe she has issues communicating what she wants in sex? I don't know.  But I just wanted to say that I wish you and your wife good luck. I still really hope you don't just 'phase it out'. Whatever you do should be more... 'active'. Whether you try to forget the comment (after all, she did chose to marry you and she does have sex with you and allows you to go down on her, she loves you and that has more value than whatever she may have said for whatever reason she may have said it and however she may have meant it) and focus on making it seem like something she should want and *experimenting* with stimulating her mentally before and while you give her oral as well as the oral techniques you use while you observe her reaction to see what 'works'. Or, whether you decide to ask her what she wants instead of oral and what exactly you can do to please her. But if she says 'nothing, I love you and just want to be with you/ave sex with you' then she probably does have a hard time communicating about those things and it would be very much worth considering taking a dominant stand. But if you just 'phase it out' resentment will build and your sex life and take a turn for the worst.

Anyways, you sound like a great husband. I wish there were more men like you. *sigh* BEST OF LUCK!


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> Interesting. Only men who have never tried to modify their personality see it as a struggle. Life should be easy and everyone should understand you?.. The only thing that is easy and shows results is breathing.


Life is hard and no one needs to understand me. I'll ask or tell what I need to be happy. Of course, what I want and what I get from life is a different story. 

Why should I modify my personality? She chose me as I am now.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Life is hard and no one needs to understand me. I'll ask or tell what I need to be happy. Of course, what I want and what I get from life is a different story.
> 
> Why should I modify my personality? She chose me as I am now.


Because she doesn't choose you the way you want her to choose you?

Honestly, what did you expect when you came to this board?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> In my experience. Customers who came with such problems were those who were floating into a huge storm.
> 
> It isnt about her not wanting oral. She is starting to reason her not wanting you, soon it could be the relationship if you dont stop playing the puppy and if you dont stop taking her too serious.


With all due respect, this is a monstrous steaming pile of fabricated crap.

A full 20% of women, when surveyed, admit that they're not comfortable enough with their genitals to receive oral sex. An even larger percentage just don't like it, even if a lot of women do. 

To extrapolate from this condition in the OP's post to the complete downfall of his relationship is wild ass speculation.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Loyal Lover said:


> And if I may ask again, did your wife actually directly tell you NOT to give her oral sex?


No, she didn't and I wont tell her of my decision. It will lead to more crying and apologizing and wishing that she's better wife for me. That gets us nowhere. 



> Perhaps she is challenging you to be more assertive. But I don't think you should respond by giving up on something YOU enjoy doing FOR your wife whom you LOVE.


I don't think it's a challenge. She just openly stated something I knew from the beginning but resolved to change it and ultimately failed. 



> Maybe she has issues communicating what she wants in sex?


When in the mood she's quite a dirty talker and a pretty loud one. I don't think she's holding back from me anything. 



> But if she says 'nothing, I love you and just want to be with you/ave sex with you' then she probably does have a hard time communicating about those things and it would be very much worth considering taking a dominant stand.


Why do you think she's holding back her desires? I'm dominant enough that she was willing to go outside her comfort zone to please me and she continues to do so. I just think that it's pointless to make her do things she doesn't find pleasurable. That thought negates any enjoyment I would get. 

Thanks for the compliment.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Because she doesn't choose you the way you want her to choose you?
> 
> Honestly, what did you expect when you came to this board?


I don't understand your first question. Can you elaborate a bit? English is not my native language. 

Thanks.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> With all due respect, this is a monstrous steaming pile of fabricated crap.
> 
> A full 20% of women, when surveyed, admit that they're not comfortable enough with their genitals to receive oral sex. An even larger percentage just don't like it, even if a lot of women do.
> 
> To extrapolate from this condition in the OP's post to the complete downfall of his relationship is wild ass speculation.


Did you read all posts and compare what the OP added or did you just see "oral sex" and "floating into a storm" and thought - "crap"? 



TheStranger said:


> Life is hard and no one needs to understand me. I'll ask or tell what I need to be happy. Of course, what I want and what I get from life is a different story.
> 
> Why should I modify my personality? She chose me as I am now.


I wont be surprised that you not seeing any room for change in how you approach your relationship as an important factor of the results you are getting now.
If she chose you how you are, fine.. But you seem to either just be whining around how awfull your marriage is or you are truly missing sth in it.

You said she isnt the giver type, well.. in case you arranged yourself and have accepted that, then you cant complain about her other flaws. It all comes down to which personality partners shape out of each other (maybe you should observe her interacting with other men, are there men she offers help or men she keeps on complaining about? If so, she has a giver side too and tries to be in good terms with these men).

Here it seems: her the queen and you the butler.

She has no need to please you or highly appreciate what you give. Why? You arent the guy who needs high appreciation. You are fine with minimal..You can now say you already told her you do, but what you ARE shouts louder..

To such situations I always say: *The most dominant partner in a relationship is the one who automatically applies the least energy in keeping the partners attention.* Figure out where you stand.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> I don't understand your first question. Can you elaborate a bit? English is not my native language.
> 
> Thanks.


I'm saying you modify your behaviour to get what you want. 

No relationship will stay unchanged. We change throughout it for various reasons. If you want to get something in the relationship, you either change to get it, or you take it off the table. The 'you' she choose isn't the 'you' you wanted her to choose. You wanted her to choose the 'you' which loves to give oral sex. If you still want that, then you need to change in order for her to want that from you. If you don't, you might as well wipe it from the table and chalk it up as a sacrifice to keep the relationship.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I've taken for granted I suppose that my wife likes oral. Probably 9 out of 10 times it starts that way and she's likes it. I do think if we wasn't happy with me or our marriage or life in general then she wouldn't like anything very much. She'd likely do just enough to keep me around.

So OP, maybe she doesn't like oral but before assuming that, how are you guys doing otherwise? Does she still laugh at your jokes even the dumb ones like she did when she seemed to like oral? I mean do you think this the problem or is it a symptom?


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