# need advice



## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

my husband and i have been married for almost 9 years now...we have 3 children...everything has been running so smoothly until now. he started being really miserable towards me. we started fighting about his attitude towards me, and his lack of respect for my feelings...i FINALLY made him break down and give me a clue into his head...he is now not sure if he wants to be married to me. he's not sure what he wants. other than me knowing this in my head, no one would be able to tell because we still put on the front around people. i'm so scared about what is going to happen...i don't know how much longer i can deal with him telling me he doesn't know why he feels this way. he says he loves me and cares about our marriage and is willing to go to councelling, but what if it doesn't work...no one can make him change his feelings...and i don't know what to do...does any one have any advice? :scratchhead:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Pretty easy for any marriage to get lost in a rut over time. With careers, kids, social engagements….. Do you and your husband spend time together as a couple? Go on dates without the kids?


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

we just started when we realized we were falling apart in an attempt to save us...we both went and saw a councellor, same person just went separately...but its soooo expensive...$80 for one hour...so i know he wants to try, i am just having a rough time believing it


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

There could be a couple things happening:

A) He is getting very tired of the responsibility load over the last 9 years, it is building, and it is another 9 years until it starts to back off..kids older, etc...

OR

B) He found someone he'd like to have or someone he is thinking he'd like to have, or has already had.

Sit back and watch him, go to the counseling, but watch his actions. Check in on him more, be aware of what he is doing. 

*I would not confront*, but I'd certainly have my radar on.


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

I put my radar up about a year ago, when i realized something wasn't right...i just had a feeling. i usually know where he is, who hes with, and stuff like that...he swears there is no one else and has never been anyone else...i confronted him on that a few months back...i just cant get out of this train of thought and focus on being happy again and being the fun person i was when i'm constantly thinking of what i did wrong or what happened...it's so stressful...


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

As a suggestion about counseling, is there a University near you?

Universities offer counseling for way less money, usually around $30 an hour.

Doctoral students need someone to practice on, they will vary in ages, so you can get someone really young or someone returning to school but with lots of life experience.


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

i could try that...i didn't realize they would do that. 

i don't think my husband takes me seriously, when i tell him that i will leave, that i can't take it anymore and i'm trying to stay strong...i miss the affection i used to get from him the most...now i get a kiss good morning and an i love you, but not the little things...the hugs here and there...the walk by kiss, ya know stuff that shows you that your in love...


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> As a suggestion about counseling, is there a University near you?
> 
> Universities offer counseling for way less money, usually around $30 an hour.
> 
> Doctoral students need someone to practice on, they will vary in ages, so you can get someone really young or someone returning to school but with lots of life experience.



This is how my H goes to counseling. He sees an intern therapist, the sessions are video-taped (with consent of course) and they charge on a sliding scale, based on income. He has had AWESOME results...we did marriage counseling thru it briefly too, until we realized that the issues were really inside HIM, which is why he now does individual counseling.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

As for him, 

he knows,

he won't tell you,

it will hurt your feelings,

probably pretty bad,

good news is, 

there is a way out of it for him,

he just needs prodding in the right direction,

friends to talk to,

friends willing to just listen, 

listen to him talk it to death,

like an old record played over and over and over again,

he will finally get clarity when you can only hear the noise rather than the music,

being a good man, 

he will make the right choice,

the hardest choice,

finding his way back to you


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Run down the typical questions:

1.) Do you guys do things together?

2.) What do you do to show him you love him? Does it work?

3.) What does he do for you? And does it work?

4.) What is your sex life like? And what has he said about it?


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

my biggest worry is that he will finally snap out of this and it will be too late...my feelings are already all over the place...

we do alot together...we camp every weekend with the kids and we try to go places now and then to get away...

I wrote him a list about 3 months ago of 10 reasons that i love him...i text him during the day, just to say hi...i take care of the house, the kids, the full time job...

he doesn't really do much...i mean, little things that mean stuff to me but nobody else, he still does...let's me know he loves me...but nothing like he used to.

sex is probably the best we've had for some reason...


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

he does have a lot on his plate, not only me and the kids, but he also does side work at home...i swear everyone depends on him...he has one friend that constantly asks him for favors...and i'm not talking small...i'm talking like "can you come down and help me bale hay? 1000 bales later they're finished...it's like hes always doing stuff for everyone else, he forgets about me...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

So the list was 3 months ago. Anything else since then?

And you said sex is great, how often do you have it?

And what little things did he used to do that he doesn't do anymore?


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

well, i initiate all of our outings, dinner etc...i am affectionate towards him, i try as best i can, with 3 kids in the house to make sure he knows he's loved...

we have sex probably 3-4 times a week...

well, i couldn't take a shower on the weekends without him sticking his head in to bother me...he would have my coffee ready for me when i get out of the shower...he was always polite to me, he would hold my hand in the truck...he would call me at work to say hi, little things like that


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

i still can't help but think he is not telling me something, i feel like maybe he is trying to protect me from something...and maybe this is an easier way for him...by withdrawing, maybe he thinks it would be easier on me if i'm already hurting for him to tell me...i don't know..but then i think im reading to much into it...


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## wishingforthebest (Jul 24, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> As for him,
> 
> he knows,
> 
> ...




when you say he needs friends to talk to and prodding in the right direction, if he tells his friends, it will not get back to me...he has one friend that i could see him talking to about this and that friend would never tell me what was going on...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

wishingforthebest said:


> when you say he needs friends to talk to and prodding in the right direction, if he tells his friends, it will not get back to me...he has one friend that i could see him talking to about this and that friend would never tell me what was going on...


That's good. That's why they are friends... He wouldn't confide in his friend if the friend was just going to walk away and tell you everything. 


So how long ago did this change? And was it sudden or gradual?

It could be a mid-life crisis thing? A lot of men go through it. Just keep trying to show him how much you love him and go from there for now. If he is willing to go to counseling, go and see if that can help/


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