# My wife is too attached to her family



## mojo124

Hi everyone, first time poster here 

my wife is doing what I'm thinking should be considered serious blows against marriage. what you think? 

She makes over 120 calls per month to her mom/sister and about 30 calls to me. She offers our credit card to her mother without asking me, she secretly co-signed a loan for her sister, she wanted to send money to her brother I said no, she went to her mother house, came back 3 days later and lied "I didnt send the money" then I caught her devising a plan with her sister to get the money back into our account with out me finding out. Her cousin calls and cancels our plans, her sister cancels our dates, Her mom used to buy all our groceries against my wishes. Her mother sends food to her work, my wife never cooks. she has a sister who is 35, still lives at home with mom, the list goes on. 

do I have enough reason to believe this girl is trying to tell me that I will always come second to her family?


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## Niceguy13

YES YES and YES she sounds very co-dependant on her family. The phone calls themselfs aren't a big deal after all she lives with you not her family (ok they don't physicaly reside in the house) and there is one of you compared to at least 4 in the story. 

You need to let her know you love herfamily would never keep her family from her but you married her thinking youwould be starting a fmaily for yourselfs. Your spouse,children should always be on the front burner everone else should be on back burners.

The finacials are also a big deal that is something you are suppose to be in together. Its not her credit she is potentialy ruining and just her future its both of yours. If she insists on doing stuff like that seprate accounts is the way to go with each partner paying their share of the bills (assuming you both work) and then she can spend the remainder of her money on whatever she wants.


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## mojo124

at the time she was giving the money we were both working but I paid for EVERYTHING. 

I have talked to her many many times, she denies everything, she says their relationship is normal. also her response is why dont you get divorce.

I feel as though I am standing in the way of them being together and she would be happy to separate and go be with her mother/sister. her sister BTW owes us $2k due back last week. I asked for it and my wife just attacks me and accuses me of being greedy


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## magnoliagal

Yes you are second and the relationship it's not normal. The first order of business is get a handle on the money.


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## luckyman

The calls wouldn't bother me, but the use of the credit card, loaning money and co-signing for a loan are definitely issues that should be discussed with you prior. 

"Why don't you get a divorce?" Sounds like an empty threat to me. You may want to recommend she not marry again. No man would put up with her behavior. If the financial betrayal of trust continues, what are you prepared to do?


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## Runs like Dog

Been there done that got the infection. To my wife you are blood or you are ****.


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## Jellybeans

Now I am very close to my family but that stuff about her giving loans out and credit cards... hell to the no. 

You need to talk to her badly.


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## Sanity

mojo124 said:


> Hi everyone, first time poster here
> 
> my wife is doing what I'm thinking should be considered serious blows against marriage. what you think?
> 
> She makes over 120 calls per month to her mom/sister and about 30 calls to me. She offers our credit card to her mother without asking me, she secretly co-signed a loan for her sister, she wanted to send money to her brother I said no, she went to her mother house, came back 3 days later and lied "I didnt send the money" then I caught her devising a plan with her sister to get the money back into our account with out me finding out. Her cousin calls and cancels our plans, her sister cancels our dates, Her mom used to buy all our groceries against my wishes. Her mother sends food to her work, my wife never cooks. she has a sister who is 35, still lives at home with mom, the list goes on.
> 
> do I have enough reason to believe this girl is trying to tell me that I will always come second to her family?


She seems immature and her parents did a craptastic job raising her and the rest of her siblings. Futhermore I think you are dealing with manipulating in-laws.

Are there any children involved? What are your ages?


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## mojo124

thanks everyone for the response. no children involved thank god or I think she would give our children to her mother to raise.


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## Boogsie

mojo124 said:


> I have talked to her many many times, she denies everything, she says their relationship is normal. also *her response is why dont you get divorce*.


Next time she says this, call her on her BS. Say something like, "Ok, divorce it is." and walk away.

The divorce line is being said just to get YOU to back off. You need to decide if this behavior is a deal breaker or not and act accordingly. 

Maybe it is time to split your finances off from your wifes and split up the financial responsibilities as well. Protect yourself a little. I really doubt what she is doing will stop.


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## mojo124

she moved out last night. Here sister owes us $2000.00 which was due back 4 weeks ago. When I mention it my wife goes crazy. she moved out so she doesnt have to ask for the money back...... I think I'll just let her go she loves them so much then she should go live with them the hell with all of them


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## F-102

Pack up all of her stuff and call her beloved family to come get her.


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## mojo124

F-102 said:


> Pack up all of her stuff and call her beloved family to come get her.


its a lose lose situation for me. they would gladly come get her stuff. they all live together in one house, kids are in their 30's never moved out mommy still cooks and cleans after them and my wife is dying to get back to them. I am damned if I do, damned if I dont...... I guess we just reap what we sow.


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## TemperToo

Sorry to hear this, but it might be just as well.....

My husband is the one too attached to his family. I like them and all, but whenever we all get together, its a huge "lets make fun of TemperToo" party. I try to laugh it off, but it does hurt. He also sends them a lot of money when we are struggling and never gets paid back. (He makes the money, so I haven't said too much about it.) But I feel your pain. It can happen with husbands too.


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## F-102

Good! Then when she's older, mom and dad are too old to take care of the family, and she and her sibs are fighting like sharks in a filthy house, she'll be wishing for a good man to take care of her, and wistfully remind herself that she once HAD a husband...


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## Mrs.G

Your wife is still a baby. She does not understand that marriage is more important than the family of origin. 
I have brother just like her; he is rich and successful. However, because he is too much of a mama's boy, nobody wants to marry him. A 42 year old man should NOT be running to his mother when he and his girlfriend have an argument.
Let her go. She is not mature enough to be married.


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## abandoned_husband

My wife took our children and moved out of the family home after I demanded that her mother move out of our house and back into her own apartment. The children and I were obviously traumatised, but my wife seems to be happier than ever.
John Gottman wrote: "One of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of 'we-ness' between husband and wife. The husband must let his mother know that his wife comes first. His house is his and his wife’s house, not his mother’s. He is a husband first, then a son."
Obviously my wife is a daughter first.


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