# Shattered and bruised



## marsha20 (May 28, 2008)

I am new to this forum and feel this is the only outlet i have to air my concerns, maybe just maybe someone with the right advice can help me. I have been married to my husband for five years, i left my family, my country everything to be with him. The man i feel i fell in love with was just a facade becasue when he was with me in my country he was a completely different person. When i came to be with him here this other person greeted me. My husband lied to be about so many things that came to my attention when i was here and worst off all the person that he is, is the person that his family know him to be. i am the only one that is in shocked. My life is very consevative and i am very religous and i thought him to be at lease thatw as the person i saw when we were in my country we went to church etc and i loved that. I came here and he was very verbally abusive his relationship with his mother is highly volitile they curse, spit and hit each other. I was so crushed by what i saw, my husband has shown that he has a temper, i hate arguements and would perfer to run and cry than to be confrontational this has led to him restraining me as he put it from leaving the room. I hate that i have been demeaned so much by my husband so many times i believe that he has some mental issues . I love him but more so my heart goes out to him because of the issues he still has unresolved with his mother since his childhood that has left him scarred. Most of our problem has a correlation with his mom. My husband does not like as he termed "strong women" and because i express myself when he hurts me i am deemed disobedient he would make horrible statements such as" i am another loud mouth black woman" i have never raised my voice to him because my culture frowns on such behavior but if he does something that is not right i would bring it to his attention he would then say " little asian women don't do that to their husband that's why they are taking away the westren men" i am very very confused and at my wits end he has reduced me to a shell of my former self because i don't smile anymore and i dont know what to do to make it better.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Find out what legal rights you have. Chances are you can have a restaining order put on him and get a divorce. You should not be physically, verbally and mentally abused. Don't let him threaten you with deportation or anything else.

draconis


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## marsha20 (May 28, 2008)

He has not threathen me with deportation because i am a resident, my husband is very skillled at making you feel worthless as if without him you would be destituite. He seems preys on you emotionally. for instance everything in our marraige that is wrong is my fault and he should not be helf responsible for his behavior becasue he had a horrible mother and after seeing how they interact with each other i feel he has a twisted sence of what love is or what it should be. The way i feel if he hits me that would'nt compete with how he makes me feel with his words. I don't understand how you could claim to love someone but see it fit to hurt them emotionally. I am not perfect but i try my best, but it does'nt suffice


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It does suffice, what he does to you no one should ever deal with. You need to get the will to leave him and save yourself.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

marsha20 said:


> i feel he has a twisted sence of what love is or what it should be.


Yes, it sure sounds like he does. 

Marriage is not about demeaning and controlling your spouse. Although you were able to see a different side of him when you met, it sounds as though what you are seeing now is who he is and you absolutely should not put up with his emotional abuse.

I would seriously look into what it would take for you to be on your own and move in that direction. I wouldn't even let him in on it as it sounds as though it would just rile him up further.

Take care of yourself.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

He has no right to treat you as he has.

What do you want to do?

draconis


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Unfortunately, there does seem to be the type of American guy who will go to other countries and think that if they bring a woman to America, she will be more subservient and obedient than any girl they could find here. You didn't say, but especially if the guy and/or his family came from the same culture you are, sometimes they are encouraged to go find a woman. This is all wrong! You don't have any less legal protection than a native or a naturalized American. 
Does he grab you, restrain you, hit you, or threaten you with violence? Next time it happens, call the cops. They will come and help you out. They will arrest him and help you to get an order of protection which he must obey, or be arrested.
It's too bad he has a witch for a mother, but that is nobody's problem but his. Get strong and take care of yourself. Good luck.


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## marsha20 (May 28, 2008)

Thankyou all so much for your support it really means alot to have someone to talk to. I spoke to my husband's aunt and her husband they seem to be different. I was able to gain knowlege and insight that i was not privy to before i came here about my husband's up bringing, his relationship with his mother affects our relationship severly and it is something that needs delicate care. For me i think it is better that i stay under his radar and try not to say anything that would offend him. Today he was very apologetic with regards to his verbal abuse but i know in my heart decades of that type of conditoning will take time to correct. I want to stand by him because we've been married for 5yrs and being here around his mother seems to not bring out the best in him. Our situation is much more complicated than i could ever truly describe hence the reason i ca'nt leave. I still love and care for him deeply, i can't bring myself to believe that the person i knew my husband to be was some illusion or a shadow. I see glimpses of that person now and again so i hold on. I plan to bring up the subject of him getting counciling, if he agrees it's a start; if not i will definitly leave the relationship.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Are you sure it is not manipulation & control?

draconis


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

I think that if you feel deceived, you should try to talk to someone to help you out. Besides, using his mother as an excuse to his behavior is something that tells me he is trying to cover his personality, but you already saw it.


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## RainyDayz83 (Jun 7, 2008)

Oh, goodness. I'm kinda going through the same thing, hun. I find myself keeping quiet and/or really thinking of how I word my responses... in fear that he'll just blow up & start yelling. I'm not a confrontational person - I basically shut down when he yells and/or end up crying! He too apologizes.. and he tells me how much he loves me. But how can such be true when sometimes he says such hurtful things?!

Best of luck to you. I hope you find the strength to leave his sorry butt! I know how hard it is when you love someone to just up & leave. I always thought our fights/discussions would change him. But in all reality, they don't. He'll be fine for a few weeks & then right back to his temper taking over. I feel like I'm on a big rollercoaster most days! As others have said - if they don't want to change and/or believe nothing's wrong... they're NOT going to change. Simple as that. Leave when the gettin's good... before children come into play & the vicious cycle continues. This is my biggest fear... 

Now if only I could summon the courage to do as I preach!


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## sweetness33 (Jul 21, 2008)

I would like to know if he your husband is older than you cause in a way we have some things in comman .... I know how you feel and what you may think sometimes mainly wondering if he will kill you or just get so mad as his mom and completly take it out on you ...dont get me wrong he dont hit me anymore cause I have learned to fight back and from what I read from you I wish you could get some of that fight back in you


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## anotheryear (Jul 23, 2008)

I rarely would say this, but please get out. Do it for any future kids who would be victims if not just for yourself.


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## Mrs. Negestie (Jul 15, 2008)

Someone like your husband needs professional help and you keeping quite about this situation does nothing good for eithier of you so please leave and maybe by living he will seek the help he really needs.And then and only then you can go back and stick by your man.


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## Marley (Dec 1, 2009)

Hi Marsha, if you don't mind me asking - where are you from? You make a few references to your culture, it would help me to understand a bit more about how you are experiencing your husband relative to your upbringing.


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