# Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorce



## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorce*

I'm AJ. I'm a 25 year old Lieutenant in the Air Force here at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. My wife (she's 24) and I have been married a little under a year, and its been an ok marriage I guess. We both met in college at the UC Boulder while I was in AFROTC, and she was a student employee for the department. I admit, yeah, I used to be a really big party animal and I date a lot of women in college, and my wife constantly won't let me forget that, but I mean I've tried to change since then. I've never understood why she just can't let the past be the past.

Anyway, the other evening when I got home from the base, we both got into a really huge argument because she confronted me of and accused me of cheating after she found a receipt from a restaurant for lunch for two that I had meant to put in the shredder, but forgot, in the pocket of one of my uniform pants when she was doing laundry, as well as the fact that she found lipstick on the collar of my flightsuit. I told her all I did was take one of the civilian secretaries from my squadron to lunch, nothing more. There was nothing sexual about it or anything. I never even slept with her or touched her, it was just a friendly lunch, nothing more. My wife went overboard on me, she started throwing my clothes out into the parking lot of our apartment complex, then she went and smashed one of my favorite bottles of cologne that she bought me last Christmas. She told me that our marriage was over, and that I'm just a womanizing [email protected]@rd. I also called her a few names and said she should be sticking by her hubby, to which she told me to go to Hell.

Anyway, I decided to go cool off for a few hours while she just locked herself in the bedroom crying over nothing in my opinion. I drove around for a while, and then remembered a couple of my buddies in my squadron told me about this strip club just off the Strip. I decided to check it out to make me feel a little better. I went in and then I bought a couple of lap dances. I had a lot of alcohol as well there, so I was pretty drunk.

Anyway, during one of the lap dances I ended up getting a bon*r. I had these Levi jeans on and the pressure of it pushing on them was just too much to handle and I ended up blowing my load. My boxers were soaked. I was thinking about staying a little longer, but I was feeling a little sick from all the alcohol I drank. I was going to drive back home, but then I realized I was too drunk to drive and couldn't even walk straight, so I just got a cab home and left my Jeep at the club.

I got home and my wife was waiting up for me, I guess she was worried. She wanted to talk to me, but I just told her I was too tired to argue and just wanted to get undressed and go to sleep. She seemed pretty upset, and as I was getting into bed, she noticed my boxers and the c*m stains on the front of them. She accused me of going to see the woman from work I took out to lunch. I told her straight out that I did not go see her. I don't even know where she lives. I told her I went to a strip club instead, and she pretty much started slapping me and pounding into me, saying I was a a cheating b****rd or something, and that going to a strip club was even worse in her eyes. She also said if I remember correctly that she is going to go to my Commanding Officer (which could ruin my military career if she tells him she thinks I'm cheating) and made me sleep on our couch. Anyway, the next morning she left me a note saying she is going to stay with her mom back home in Denver, where we are both from, and that she wants nothing to do with me, and said I'm no different than when we were in college. I tried calling her, but her Mom answers every time and refuses to put me onto her, saying that I'm no longer her son-in-law as far as she's concerned and that I don't care about anyone but myself, and I'm a poor excuse for an Air Force Officer as far as she's concerned. Her mom's always hated my guts anyway. She's saying I need to get on the next flight back to Denver and go groveling on my hands and knees to my wife to beg for her forgiveness. How am I supposed to explain that kind of leave request to my command? Plus I have other obligations here in Las Vegas to attend to. I have a feeling my wife might divorce me over this. I really don't want to go through a messy and expensive divorce, I don't have the time for that and its not really what I want.

Should I go talk to the Base Legal Office about this? I mean I'm really getting worried she's going to speak to my CO about this, and that the AF will get me for conduct unbecoming of an Officer. I just wish she would believe me that I'm not a womanizer. Am I really a bad person because of this, and a poor excuse for a USAF Officer like her Mom said? I really don't want any chances of being promoted to Captain being ruined.

-AJ


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

I see lots of reasons why your wife would be worried: you had lipstick on your flightsuit, you took a female out to lunch and intended to shred the receipt, you went to a strip club after she accused you of cheating, came home with stains on your boxers. What I don't see is much of an attempt to prove to her you can be trusted, or to explain any of it in a way that would make her feel better. You told her you never even touched the woman you took to lunch...but you had lipstick on your flightsuit...how'd that get there?

While I can acknowledge that you may have changed your womanizing ways since college and getting married, it would appear your wife hasn't seen anything to prove to her that that's the case. 

Even now, after she's left you, you seem more concerned about your career than saving your marriage. I understand your career is very important, and that her going to your CO could negatively impact it in a major way. But...if you really love her, and want to be married to her, you need to try harder to get her back. Saying "I don't really want to go through a messy and expensive divorce, I don't have time for that and it's not really what I want" does not sway a woman to believe you love her and want her. She needs to hear that you love her and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. 

Now, I will admit that she should not have hit you, and maybe she is a bit insecure, but I really think you are the problem here. This may have been nothing in your opinion, but clearly it was something in hers. And you not only didn't reassure her, but did things that could further show she was right in her feelings.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> Anyway, during one of the lap dances I ended up getting a bon*r. I had these Levi jeans on and the pressure of it pushing on them was just too much to handle and I ended up blowing my load. My boxers were soaked.


In most peoples eye's this counts as having had some sort of sex.


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## jharken703 (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

I think your wife is too controlling. If she cannot trust you that is too bad. Are you trustworthy? That is only a question you can answer.

Can she actually mess up your career? That seems kind of unlikely to me. Plenty of people have marital problems including affairs, and your issues are with your relationship with her. 

If you want to party and date different women then maybe you should consider getting a divorce and going for it before you have kids at which point it gets a lot harder.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> I'm AJ. I'm a 25 year old Lieutenant in the Air Force here at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. My wife (she's 24) and I have been married a little under a year, and its been an ok marriage I guess. We both met in college at the UC Boulder while I was in AFROTC, and she was a student employee for the department. I admit, yeah, I used to be a really big party animal and I date a lot of women in college, and my wife constantly won't let me forget that, but I mean I've tried to change since then. I've never understood why she just can't let the past be the past.
> 
> Anyway, the other evening when I got home from the base, we both got into a really huge argument because she confronted me of and accused me of cheating after she found a receipt from a restaurant for lunch for two that I had meant to put in the shredder, but forgot, in the pocket of one of my uniform pants when she was doing laundry, as well as the fact that she found lipstick on the collar of my flightsuit. I told her all I did was take one of the civilian secretaries from my squadron to lunch, nothing more. There was nothing sexual about it or anything. I never even slept with her or touched her, it was just a friendly lunch, nothing more. My wife went overboard on me, she started throwing my clothes out into the parking lot of our apartment complex, then she went and smashed one of my favorite bottles of cologne that she bought me last Christmas. She told me that our marriage was over, and that I'm just a womanizing [email protected]@rd. I also called her a few names and said she should be sticking by her hubby, to which she told me to go to Hell.
> 
> ...


You can go and talk to your Base Legal Office. If you are concerned about your career, perhaps you can preempt what you think she is going to do. However, I will say that the story really does sound like a stretch. Mind you, I am not saying that you are lying. However, there are just TOO many coincidences in this story to make me think that you didn't cheat in some form or fashion. I don't think that you are a bad person or a poor excuse for an officer. However, you do need to work on some of the fundamentals of being a husband.

Write your wife a letter explaining what it is that you feel you need to work on. Suggest that you both go to counseling and then do what you can to save your marriage. I am not sure that groveling is going to help.

A concern of mine is that you to seem to minimize the lap dance and its result. If your wife had an orgasm because of some dude rubbing up against her, would you be cool with that? My view (and you can take this with a grain of salt) is that if you get sexual gratification as a result of another person outside of your spouse, you probably cheated. If you are doing things that you wouldn't want your spouse to see, don't do them. Please consider these things. Good luck.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> You told her you never even touched the woman you took to lunch...but you had lipstick on your flightsuit...how'd that get there?
> 
> While I can acknowledge that you may have changed your womanizing ways since college and getting married, it would appear your wife hasn't seen anything to prove to her that that's the case.


The lipstick got on my collar when she gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek as a thank you for the lunch. That was it, I mean I admit the woman my wife thinks I'm cheating with is really good looking, but I've never slept with her. All I do is just talk a lot to her, nothing more. I can't help it, I've always been a big flirt with women.

I've tried my best to change how I was in college since I've been married, but it is kind of hard to break old habits. I like women, I like everything about them, and I can't help that. I really honestly do love my wife, and one of the reasons I fell in love with her was because she wasn't like all the other women I dated or slept with in college. She was always willing to listen to me, so I just wish she would now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

You don't deserve your wife. I think she's making the right choice as you don't even regret anything you put her through.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> The lipstick got on my collar when she gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek as a thank you for the lunch. That was it, I mean I admit the woman my wife thinks I'm cheating with is really good looking, but I've never slept with her. All I do is just talk a lot to her, nothing more. I can't help it, I've always been a big flirt with women.
> 
> I've tried my best to change how I was in college since I've been married, but it is kind of hard to break old habits. I like women, I like everything about them, and I can't help that. I really honestly do love my wife, and one of the reasons I fell in love with her was because she wasn't like all the other women I dated or slept with in college. She was always willing to listen to me, so I just wish she would now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, here's the thing: You said you never touched her. Then you say the lipstick got there when hugged and kissed you on the cheek. Those two statements contradict themselves. And if you said them both to your wife, I can very easily see why she would feel you are cheating, and doesn't believe you when you say you aren't. 

You admit that it is hard to break old habits. Knowing that, try to see it from her side: she knows it's hard to break old habits, too, and given the habits you had, can you not see why she would have issues with what you are doing? 

I understand that you feel she should trust you and believe that you are doing nothing wrong. And maybe you aren't (although the story you tell makes me think there's something there), and she should trust you. But...again, try to see it from her side. She's married to a known womanizer, one who continues to be, at the very least, overly friendly with other women. If you want her to trust you, you have to behave in ways which inspire her trust. Taking other women to lunch, going to strip clubs and then getting off from a lap dance...these are not things that inspire a woman to trust you, given your past history.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

Trenton said:


> You don't deserve your wife. I think she's making the right choice as you don't even regret anything you put her through.


I do regret what I've put her through. I know I have been a monster towards her and never really valued our marriage. I have tried to change how I was in the past, but it is really hard to break old habits. I can't force her to believe me though. I do love her, and I want to convince her to trust me, but I realize it isn't an easy task to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> I do regret what I've put her through. I know I have been a monster towards her and never really valued our marriage. I have tried to change how I was in the past, but it is really hard to break old habits. I can't force her to believe me though. I do love her, and I want to convince her to trust me, but I realize it isn't an easy task to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you not understand that doing the thing with the stripper was sex?

"I'm not cheating" (blows a load with a stripper) "Why won't you believe me I'm in control of my sexuality?" Bit of a rough 24 hours for your wife don't you think.

You are so far in the wrong here it's laughable. It's begging for forgiveness time and asking for marriage counseling.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Your wife accuses you of cheating and the two of you have a giant fight. She ends up in her bedroom crying and your solution is to go to a strip club and come home with cum stains in your underwear. I wonder why she thinks you don't value your marriage?:scratchhead:


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Do you not understand that doing the thing with the stripper was sex?
> 
> "I'm not cheating" (blows a load with a stripper) "Why won't you believe me I'm in control of my sexuality?" Bit of a rough 24 hours for your wife don't you think.
> 
> You are so far in the wrong here it's laughable. It's begging for forgiveness time and asking for marriage counseling.


How did I cheat? I don't get it. I didn't sleep with the stripper. I simply got a little too drunk and excited and blew it in my boxers. We didn't sleep together. I have tried my best to explain this to my wife. I have told her repeatedly I love her, and she still won't buy it. I think about the mistakes I've made all the time, even when I'm in the air flying, which probably isn't a good thing. I really feel guilty, but no one I know seems to side with me or believe me when I say I haven't slept with any other woman other than my wife, but they still think I'm cheating. I admit, yeah I still talk all the time at work with that secretary. But that's it, just talk. Why is it no one ever believes the hubby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> How did I cheat? I don't get it. I didn't sleep with the stripper. I simply got a little too drunk and excited and blew it in my boxers. We didn't sleep together. I have tried my best to explain this to my wife. I have told her repeatedly I love her, and she still won't buy it. I think about the mistakes I've made all the time, even when I'm in the air flying, which probably isn't a good thing. I really feel guilty, but no one I know seems to side with me or believe me when I say I haven't slept with any other woman other than my wife, but they still think I'm cheating. I admit, yeah I still talk all the time at work with that secretary. But that's it, just talk. Why is it no one ever believes the hubby?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Listen to yourself. Seriously! You say no one you know will side with you or believe you. This should tell you the problem lies with you. This should tell you that your behavior is fueling the notion that you are cheating. This should tell you that you need to change your behavior. Stop talking to that secretary; stop hitting strip clubs. In fact, if you really want to prove to your wife that you are or can be faithful, at this point, your best bet would be to cut off all unnecessary communication with any women outside of blood relatives and her. No female friends; no chatty lunches with females; no computer chats/emails/whatever with females; no getting close enough to a female for her lipstick to get on your clothes (and don't say "oh, she's not wearing lipstick, it's ok!" Pretend she is wearing lipstick.). Seriously, if this many people have trouble believing you, from your friends to your wife to people on the internet, this should be cluing you in that the problem is with you, not your wife.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> How did I cheat? I don't get it. I didn't sleep with the stripper. I simply got a little too drunk and excited and blew it in my boxers. We didn't sleep together. I have tried my best to explain this to my wife. I have told her repeatedly I love her, and she still won't buy it. I think about the mistakes I've made all the time, even when I'm in the air flying, which probably isn't a good thing. I really feel guilty, but no one I know seems to side with me or believe me when I say I haven't slept with any other woman other than my wife, but they still think I'm cheating. I admit, yeah I still talk all the time at work with that secretary. But that's it, just talk. Why is it no one ever believes the hubby?


 That's a nice attempt at deflection but it's not the hubby that we don't believe. If a wife came on here and said: "I've never cheated. I just flirt all the time with other men, go out to lunches with other men, hug and kiss them, and when I fight with my hubby I go to a Chippendales show and get so drunk that when dancer rubs his woodie against me, I have a screaming O and cream my thong" we wouldn't believe HER either. 

The reason we think you're cheating is that you are. When you marry a person you made a commitment to give them 100% of your affection and loyalty. Right now you've been loyal to your secretary, because you take her to lunch and let her hug and kiss you, but not loyal to your wife who says she wants you to offer all of your loyalty only to her--like you promised her when you married her. Right now you've been offering sexual affection to dancers who offer lap dances to any stranger for money, and not offering sexual affection to your wife who says she want you to offer ALL of your affection only to her--like you promised her when you married her. 

You say that you've changed your womanizing ways, and yet by your own words I see you flirt with women, you take other women out, you let other women hug and kiss you, and you let other women get you so excited you cum. To me it looks like your words and your actions don't match. When I see words and actions that do match, then I believe that person and begin to trust them...and as their words and actions continue to match, I trust them more. So do you want your wife to trust you? That's easy. Either tell her you've changed your womanizing ways and ask for a MALE secretary, flirt only with HER, take HER out to lunch, let HER hug and kiss you, and let ONLY HER get you so excited you cum (meaning yep...for the most part get rid of other women in your life) and have your words and actions match -OR- tell her you really haven't stopped womanizing and don't intend to, keep your secretary and keep flirting and taking others out to lunch and keep letting hookers make you cum...and let your wife divorce you and take you for half of all you have. 

Finally, just so you know right now she absolutely DOES trust you--to lie to her, to tell her one thing and do another, and to continue disrespecting her. So it's not that she doesn't trust you--she just doesn't believe your lie and neither do we.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Alright I understand I've been an evil and lousy excuse for a husband to her. I mean I'm in the military and I'm only 25. Ok, I'm not experienced with marriage that well. I know I'm stupid and it seems like I want to be single still, but I don't, I love her, regardless how it seems I don't. I beat myself up everyday for not staying home at our apartment and even attempt to comfort her when she was at her worse crying because of how I treated her and disrespected her. I feel so bad that we didn't even have a decent marriage ceremony, we just eloped one weekend after I had too much to drink and proposed to her, and got married at some little place in Aspen, which is also why I think my Mother-in-law hates me so much, because I never even asked her or my wifes dad for their blessings. We, well, I guess, I, sorta just rushed into the marriage in some attempt to try and get rid of my reputation in college as a womanizer. I mean my own Mom and Dad absolutely hate me right now too over this. I know that she deserves way better than some womanizing Air Force fly-boy like me, but I really want to try and start things fresh with her, but I know she's not going to forgive me that easily.
I lay in our bed each night at our apartment looking at where my wife normally sleeps, and think to myself, why am I the way I am, and she's not coming back, because she knows I'm not good enough for her.

Oh, and its not my secretary, she is a general secretary for the squadron. I also have never been with a hooker, I got turned on by a stripper, not a hooker for those who think I did. I know I need to get my **** together and beg and grovel for my wife's forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Sounds like you need to apologize to quite a few people then. Cheating both sets of parents out of a wedding is a bitter pill for them to swallow.

You might make some headway if you apologize to her mom next time you call.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Sounds like you need to apologize to quite a few people then. Cheating both sets of parents out of a wedding is a bitter pill for them to swallow.
> 
> You might make some headway if you apologize to her mom next time you call.



I don't think I ever cheated them out of a wedding. I just made a lot of bad choices. Even though I really don't think I need to or have any reason to apologize to my Mother-in-law, I suppose it might make a start to smooth things over by trying to apologize to her too. My main concern has been trying to apologize to my wife, and try and avoid a messy and expensive divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Show her this thread and let her know she has the support of strangers and that, even though you've made some seriously bad choices, you want to change and do love her. Then change your ways and dedicate 100% of your free time to earning her trust, listening to her and becoming the husband you seem to want to be. Let the strippers and attractive secretaries go. You can work with someone without going out to lunch or doing anything else social beyond work. If you're going to blow a load, make sure it is on your wife's underwear preferably while she's in it.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> The lipstick got on my collar when she gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek as a thank you for the lunch. That was it, I mean I admit the woman my wife thinks I'm cheating with is really good looking, but I've never slept with her. All I do is just talk a lot to her, nothing more. I can't help it, I've always been a big flirt with women.
> 
> I've tried my best to change how I was in college since I've been married, but it is kind of hard to break old habits. I like women, I like everything about them, and I can't help that. I really honestly do love my wife, and one of the reasons I fell in love with her was because she wasn't like all the other women I dated or slept with in college. She was always willing to listen to me, so I just wish she would now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, liking women and talking to them is not the same as taking them to lunch. If I were your wife I would think you cheated, and would not believe you when you said otherwise. Are you actually cheating, and just worried that you will lose your career over this? My husband is retired military, and he said that the military can kick you out for adultery. This situation is noone's fault but your own.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

I am not cheating, but I am scared to death I will be thrown out of the Air Force if my wife reports me to my command or something. I have tried repeatedly to explain my actions to her. She does not want to listen. All she said to me last time was that I need to stop constantly thinking with my d*ck and start thinking with my head, which I suppose she's right about.

I mean, I admit that yeah, ok, I nearly slept with this secretary in my squadron. I was really tempted to, we were extremely dangerously close to sleeping with each other over the TDY assignment we went onto Arizona. She gave me her hotel key, and I was really tempted too. I thought it out long and hard, but in the end I did not end up going to her room and sleeping with her, I just got undressed and went to sleep. I told my wife this too, and that was part of the reason that she started hitting me that night, because she told me I was a liar and that no guy with my past would not sleep with a woman who gave me her room key. She also said that even the fact that I had to think about whether or not to sleep with the woman makes me scum. I just think it is really upsetting that my wife thinks I have not changed since I was in college and sleeping around with a lot of women and she won't believe me, I have tried my best to change. Again, the lipstick on my flightsuit was from a simple, quick kiss, nothing more. 

I really honestly have a feeling I will end up being served with divorce papers from her soon. Regardless of how it seems, I have tried as best I can to be a good guy to my wife. I've tried to be a hubby that she can be happy to be married to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Here's the thing. You have a LOT of growing up to do. You have spent most of your formative years doing what YOU like, making YOURSELF happy, letting your 'habits' guide you and using that as an excuse to make poor decisions, and now you're paying for it.

So what to do?

Grow up. 

Learn.

Stop making excuses.

STUDY what it would take to win her back, and DO it.

Here are some thoughts:


> a receipt from a restaurant for lunch for two that I had meant to put in the shredder


Are you saying that you meant to put it in the shredder so that your wife wouldn't find it? If so, do you recognize that the mental state you are in is one of LYING to your wife? She is the one person in your life to whom you should/must be completely honest. Yet your mentality seems to be 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her.' Is that how you believe? If so, I'll ask you: Assume she has some guys in her gym with whom she talks, flirts, goes to lunch. Say she decides to go to lunch but throw away the receipt _so you won't know_. Is that wrong of her? If so, why is it not wrong for you? It is this way of thinking that you have to change. 

It isn't about just actions you take. It's about the way you believe you can keep her around, convenient, and yet still be that playboy who gets to do whatever makes him feel good and happy.

Another example of this way of thinking: You harm your wife deeply by making it LOOK like you cheated, you fight, you call her names, so that she feels even more unloved, because you believe you have the right to defend yourself even when she is right. And THEN...and THEN...while she is crying herself to sleep...your first thought is 'I need to feel good. I need some lap dances.'

Immediately, you stopped thinking about how SHE feels; only about how YOU feel.

I'll ask you: Is that your definition of love?

Because to me, it sounds more like a selfish person, used to getting what he wants to keep staying happy, who snatches up a wife to use so he, once again, can keep staying happy.

Nowhere in all that you described did I hear you really understanding - or even trying to understand - how SHE feels.

Until you can get to 'that' point - where you care more about how she feels than how you feel - you are not really in love. And you do not deserve her. 

Work on that.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



F-15 AJ said:


> Anyway, during one of the lap dances I ended up getting a bon*r. I had these Levi jeans on and the pressure of it pushing on them was just too much to handle and I ended up blowing my load.


:lol: You need to leave out what service you're in, Lt. PeeWee.



F-15 AJ said:


> I am not cheating, but I am scared to death I will be thrown out of the Air Force if my wife reports me to my command or something.


I'm a retired AF SNCO and if I was the First Shirt, I wouldn't believe one word of your story. You're walking on egg shells. You better start kissing your wife's ass! If your wife says anything to your commander you're in trouble; evidence is stacked against you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Ok, two things. First, I'm not convinced this isn't a troll. But I'm going to go with it for now.

Second, your wife has a bit of an anger issue, throwing stuff out and breaking things. That said, it sounds like you've given her a LOT of reason to do so. Here's my take on what you have posted so far. I hope you'll read it and try to see this all from our (or your wife's) perspective:

_I've never understood why she just can't let the past be the past.
_
If she is not, it’s because something is bothering her.

_she found a receipt from a restaurant for lunch for two that I had meant to put in the shredder_
So…you meant to hide the truth from her?

_I also called her a few names and said she should be sticking by her hubby_
A real man should NEVER call a woman a name, no matter how much she aggravates him; he should be calmer and smarter than that.

_I decided to go cool off for a few hours while she just locked herself in the bedroom crying over nothing in my opinion_
You ruined her life so that she wants a divorce and YOUR opinion is that she is crying over nothing?

_this strip club just off the Strip. I decided to check it out to make me feel a little better. I went in and then I bought a couple of lap dances. I had a lot of alcohol as well there, so I was pretty drunk._
So…making yourself feel better is more important than your wife or saving your marriage?

_My boxers were soaked. I was thinking about staying a little longer_
So, even at this point, it didn’t occur to you that you had done something that your wife would be hurt by, because you were going to stay even longer, ogling near-naked women?

_I was too drunk to drive and couldn't even walk straight_
So…your response to stress is to get near-blackout drunk?

_She wanted to talk to me, but I just told her I was too tired to argue_
So…your marriage is nearly over, and you are too tired to talk about it?

_just wanted to get undressed and go to sleep_
Again, YOUR happiness and comfort is more important than your wife’s?

_I really don't want to go through a messy and expensive divorce, I don't have the time for that and its not really what I want._
Not what YOU want? Where in your posts do you ever even talk about what your wife wants? And be honest: is this really about your career and your money?

_I really don't want any chances of being promoted to Captain being ruined._
Enough said.

_I admit the woman my wife thinks I'm cheating with is really good looking, but I've never slept with her. All I do is just talk a lot to her_
How would you feel if your wife just ‘talks a lot’ to the cashier at the grocery store she goes to every week?

_I can't help it, I've always been a big flirt with women._
Yes, you CAN help it. You CHOOSE not to.

_I have tried to change how I was in the past, but it is really hard to break old habits._
If making your wife happy was more important to you than pleasing yourself, you WOULD break these habits. You CHOOSE not to; therefore, your wife is NOT more important to you than yourself. That is not love.

_I want to convince her to trust me, but I realize it isn't an easy task to do._
If you truly wanted it, you would be spending every spare minute in your life to ask her what she needs and DO it.

_I admit, yeah I still talk all the time at work with that secretary. But that's it, just talk._
And here you are, STILL talking all the time to that secretary?

_I feel so bad that we didn't even have a decent marriage ceremony, we just eloped one weekend after I had too much to drink and proposed to her,
yet
I don't think I ever cheated them out of a wedding. I just made a lot of bad choices. Even though I really don't think I need to or have any reason to apologize to my Mother-in-law_
So…you are not willing to consider anyone else’s feelings; we’re telling you they probably wanted a real wedding ceremony, but you will not admit that YOU caused them to not get it. And then you say you have no reason to apologize to MIL? Seriously? You broke her daughter’s heart. You owe her a LOT of apologies for being the one person who has so singlehandedly damaged her child.

_I, sorta just rushed into the marriage in some attempt to try and get rid of my reputation_
Excuse me? Not “I really loved her” or “I couldn’t be one more day without her” or “she meant the world to me”…just ‘I wanted to fix MY reputation.’ Where is your wife in all your deliberations? Absent. Invisible. I guarantee SHE knows it.

_My main concern has been trying to apologize to my wife, and try and avoid a messy and expensive divorce._
Again, you care at least as much about your money as you do your wife’s happiness? *sigh*

_ok, I nearly slept with this secretary in my squadron_
WTF? Please do explain why this woman thought you’d be willing in the first place. You are oh so innocent, right? NEVER led her on. NEVER flirted with her, joked with her, made innuendos. Right?

F-15, I hope you will print this out and just sit down with it and read it over a few times. Look at all the harm you’ve caused. Look at all the selfish things you did. Look at all the chances you had to HELP her and CARE for her, where you blew it by being selfish. TRY to see what it looks like to care for someone else more than yourself.

If you can do that, maybe, just maybe, you can become the man she needs.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

So, you were just taking an innocent lady out to lunch, yet you almost slept with her while on TDY eh? Not so innocent. Shred the receipt? why, if it was innocent. Because it wasn't. If you were just taking her out to lunch you would have taken your wife with you. 

The strip club thing, I wouldn't buy it either. She accuses you of cheating and you come home with your boxers soaked in bodily fluids? 

Sincerely listen to Turnera and the others who are telling you to grow up. Because that is the only answer right now.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ok, two things. First, I'm not convinced this isn't a troll. But I'm going to go with it for now.


I honestly don't care if you or anyone else is not convinced or not, I am a real guy, not a troll. I may be a sorry excuse for a husband, I admit that and I know that. I really do love my wife, and I AM TRYING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO RESOLVE THIS, BELIEVE ME. 

I will definitely read this over several times, and I appreciate everyones advice / comments. I am doing everything I can, and I have requested a few days leave so I can go back home to Denver and try as best as I can to resolve this. I have informed both my wife and her mom and dad of this, and they are willing to listen to what I have to say, provided I am "prepared to sit down, shut up, and listen to the ass-chewing of my life" to quote my Father-in-law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Sounds like it will do you good. F-15, we all have that 'period' in our life where we cross over - to real adulthood. Something happens, we suddenly recognize we are thinking differently, someone recognizes a change in us...maybe this is your time.

Good luck!


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

if you were my husband i have to admit i woud have been divorcing you by now... you cheated and you cant see it so thefore you will never be able to fix things if you are so arrogent that you wont open your eyes and see why your wife see;s it as cheating.
If my hubby "got off" from another naked woman dancing on him, it most definatly would be cheating...you dont deserve your wife and it sadens me the emotional damage that me like you do to woman, one day she will hopefully learn that not all men are like you


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



pinkprincess said:


> you dont deserve your wife and it sadens me the emotional damage that me like you do to woman, one day she will hopefully learn that not all men are like you


I don't like to cause emotional damage to women. That's bull****, don't try to make me sound like a sadist, because I feel so horrible about what I have done to her that its not even funny. I probably don't deserve my wife, I'd be the first to say that. I've been an evil, lousy excuse for a hubby towards her. I regret that. I am trying to make things right again. I know that's going to take a lot of work and time, if she's willing to take me back and listen, just as I know I have to listen to her more.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Back from Denver, got the biggest lecture in my life from my Father-in-law. I know my mother and father in laws true feelings about me now, but that's ok. They think I'm the scum of the earth and that I'm not good enough for their daughter. They said that they can't decide who she marries though. I'm glad the truth finally came out though in regards to how they felt about me. As far as my wife, I literrally got down on my hands and knees and broke down in tears to her. I begged for her forgiveness and that I never should of treated her the way I have, and that I am a failure of a hubby. I told her I'm the reason her life has been ruined since she's been with me, and that I need her. She then made her feelings clear to me too. She is willing to give me another chance, but she says it might take her awhile to fully trust me again, which is understandable considering the way I've acted. I really messed up big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

If you are really serious about being a good husband to her this time, you will need to really work at it.

First of all, check out the basic concepts on this website: 
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Get help for your drinking problem.

Start learning how to communicate effectively.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Some of you people really need to understand that you shouldn't be doing anything you wouldn't do if your spouse was right by your side. When you're married to someone, you act married when your spouse isn't there too (assuming you really believe in your vows and you weren't just tricked/forced into it). Doesn't matter if it's cheating or not. It's a matter of respect. From a person in the military, you should know much more about respect i think, and about being a trustworthy man/woman. I'm not trying to criticize you, i hope everything works out. But a poster from earlier was right when saying that you should be more gentle on your wife's emotions. 
If your wife did the same that you did, you'd now be hanging around the infidelity thread complaining that she's having an EA or something of sorts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Good job on listening and taking it on the chin. Now...do you have a PLAN?


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

I won't be frequenting strip clubs anymore. Me and the wife plan on doing more together when I get off work. I plan on listening to her more and hear what her needs are. I want to make our marriage work, and I know its going to take time for us to work out our problems in our marriage, and we are going to go to a marriage counselor. Its going to take time for me to get off the thin ice and regain and rebuild her trust in me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

I have a list of things you can do together:
Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*



turnera said:


> Start a business together


I have to chime in here......my own advice is to AVOID this one. :rofl:

No more surefire way toward arguments than to go through the stress of self-employement, imo.

Best of luck,

Daily Grind


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

True for a lot of people, of course, but you never know. Affaircare and Tanelorn seem to be doing very well in that regard.


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## F-15 AJ (Sep 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> I have a list of things you can do together:
> Read a book together
> Take turns picking out a movie to watch
> Bring out the board games, at least once a week
> ...


All of these I would be willing to try, except the church one (no offense to anyone) and the family reunion one..... her family hates me, not just her Mom and Dad, but both of her sisters, and a few of her cousins and aunts and uncles. The last time her family was all around me was at her sisters wedding, and it turned into drama, because they kept laying into me about how evil of a hubby I've been to her in the past, and they don't believe I'm trying to turn things around and not be like I was in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

Well, you'll just have to prove them wrong! 

btw, those were just suggestions to get you started thinking of your own ideas. Just to show there are tons of things out there you can do together.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

*Re: Wife won't believe me that I'm not cheating, she's moved out & threatening divorc*

You don't know how lucky you are to be given a 2nd chance. It's not going to be easy, it will take time on her part to forgive you and patience on your part to allow her to. But the way i see it, you have been given a golden opportunity to prove that you can indeed change-again, patience on your part, you have to show her that you can be trusted and let her make up her mind about you in her own time. True, your actions in the past haven't exactly endeared her or her family to you, but you can overcome this. I'm an ex military guy myself, and I know that your career could have been derailed for good, but take this as a lesson and remember what you can lose.


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