# How to make wife happier and get man time?



## Krausen (Sep 1, 2009)

Hey everyone,

I am new obviously, but glad I found this forum. I love my Wife very much and have 3 kids with her. We have been married / together for 8 years and have had our ups and downs like most. However its been pretty much all ups for the past few years which is great. The biggest issue I have is trying to figure out if I am in the wrong here or not. 

My wife gets very upset with me when I try and do anything without her. I work mon-fri about 9 hours a day, otherwise I am home. We have little ones and they keep us very busy, along with my step daughter who is 14 and keeps us very stressed. I get invited all the time to play golf with friends. And out of guilt I almost always turn them down. However last weekend I actually went and played, I figured it was so early that it wouldn't effect our plans or anything so why not. I ended up having a great time and even stopped off and got our groceries on the way home.

I already knew after that I would really love to get out and play again. So today I was invited to play early Friday morning, since we are off work for a long weekend. I thought it wouldn't be a huge deal as I wouldn't be gone very long and would have the rest of the day, including the next 3 all for spending time with the family.

Well I asked my wife if she minded this morning and it was a mistake. She got very upset and told me that all the kids would be at school with exception of the 1 year old, and how we never get to spend time together. She told me her feelings were very hurt that I would rather go play golf then spend time with her. Then she went on to say that I must be wanting to be away from all of them! *sigh*

Anyways I told her of course not, and that I am off all weekend and Monday also, so we will have plenty of time to spend together, and that I just had a lot of fun last weekend and wanted to do it again since I was off Friday.

This is when she replied that "you can't wait to get away from us"!

I am not sure how to handle this situation, or if this happens a lot to people? I love her and know she loves me, and I do as much as I can for her. But I really would love from time to time play golf with friends. I don't see much harm in that, although according to her it means I don't care about anyone at home. 

Thanks!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

whats wrong with her to not let you do anything away from her? she has issues !


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Does she ever do anything on her own where you stay home with the kids? Do the two of you still date? If possible, try to schedule a date once a week.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I would suspect that the outburst about Friday’s golfing was a flash point and that she had mentally planned something for the two of you already. Is she a SAHM? If so being home with the little ones all day might drive her need for adult time and couple time. Should you have man time, absolutely but it looks like the boundaries and expectations are unclear for you both. Some dedicated discussion is needed to understand what both of you need and want. Chances are that a good communication line and empathy would help this situation enormously.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

> Well I asked my wife if she minded this morning and it was a mistake. She got very upset and told me that all the kids would be at school with exception of the 1 year old, and how we never get to spend time together.


I think she was looking forward to spending some time with you, alone, in a quiet house for a change. So when you mentioned golf, she got defensive because her plans for alone time with you were threatened. With 3 kids, I'm sure alone time for the two of you is at a premium.

In fact, I bet if you asked, she would have less problem with you playing on Saturday morning, or even Friday afternoon when the kids are all home, than on Friday morning when they are at school.

See if that works better for her, and plan something for just the two of you while the baby is napping, and the kids are in school.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would say you need to encourage her to go out and make some friends and devlop hobbies.
Guess you could offer to babysit and take over any of her household responsibilites a day a week IF she goes and joins a club or class or something.


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## Krausen (Sep 1, 2009)

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes from her point of view Friday was premium time since only 1 child was at home. But I am sure she had nothing planned as it will be like any other day only not as loud. She has studies to do and writing so she will be busy with that. I understand to an extent why she took offense to that day, I guess from my point of view since we got a 4 day weekend that a few hours wouldn't hurt. I have only gotten to play two times in the past year, just so everyone knows. That's the total amount I have done anything without my family. 

As far as friends, she doesn't have any outside our mutual family and friends with kids type thing. She went out a few weeks ago to the park with a new girl and our kids had a play date. Seems it went fairly well and I try to encourage her to go and do stuff like that.

So it seems the general consensus on here is that I was wrong to have tried on Friday. But not wrong to go now and then, so I made a mistake on the day?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Krausen said:


> So it seems the general consensus on here is that I was wrong to have tried on Friday. But not wrong to go now and then, so I made a mistake on the day?


Not wrong to have tried, no. You didn't know she was looking forward to Friday too. You just got caught by bad timing. 

Let her know that you heard her, you understand she was looking forward to time together Friday morning, and that you'll be happy to set aside Friday morning for time with her. Then ask if another time works better for golfing with the guys. I bet (hope..fingers crossed...) that you'll get a better response.


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

I don't do anything without my family. My wife doesn't even go grocery shopping without me. I work midnights, 12+ hours a night, so when I am home I spend time with them. IMHO, "alone" time is overrated.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

You know, Glock, even hopping on the tractor and mowing the yard can be a form of "alone" time.


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

DownButNotOut said:


> You know, Glock, even hopping on the tractor and mowing the yard can be a form of "alone" time.


I guess your right. I do mow the yard alone, but at least I am at home. I don't like leaving my family behind. I love to shoot, but I don't go to the range unless my family can go. 

I like dragging my four legged son along too, much to my wifes dismay.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

i very much am a person who needs her space. I understand when you need time away. my husband is not at all like that but he understands that I need it. we fight a lot more when i don't have it. it's just my way of winding down. If I don't I'm just really irritable and we fight over stupid stuff. however, my alone time is going to the gym or going for a run. maybe if you find things to do like that it would help. to be honest though, my husband loves when I'm doing those things because then he can play his video games... haha.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

You know, my hubby and I just went through this a few weeks ago. HE wanted to go "play with the guys" and I had a total fit. We also have 3 little ones and I work a rotating schedule. He works 4 nights @ 12 hour shifts. So, I can totally relate. At first I didn't know why I was so upset. After a few days of thinking about it, I realized I didn't get any "girl time" or "hubby" time. That might very well be her issue too. You and her have to sit down and figure out how to split time evenly between family, each other and friends. 

I have to have alone time also. That's after bedtime for kids. I stay up for a couple of hours and read, watch a movie and relax. When my hubby is home, I find sometimes we put the kids to bed early and sit on the deck and have a drink and talk. Or we will watch a movie.

I had lost contact with a lot of my friends after I got married, so I joined softball. Sunday night is the game and Wed. or Thurs is practice.
Try something like that. But talk to her about what she thinks is fair.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If i were to guess, she was talking in code for do something with her, maybe even sex.

And she worries that golf twice in a week means you'll be doing this a lot now. And she sees that block of time, a period of time you could be spelling her with the kids.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

My wife is like this. I spend most of the free time with her. Just once in a while I like to go out without her. Sometimes it is for sports. Sometimes it is to attend an educational event after work. She always make me feel guilty for it. She react in a very immature way. Sometime I want to go out early on Sunday for sport and then return for the family in the afternoon. But she will react very negatively and assert I don't wan to spend time with the family. In that case she will go out with her own friends in the afternoon, she said. I am not against her going out with her own friends. I'm actually very supportive of that. What upset me is she did this as reaction for me going out.

It is totally normal for you to want to spend sometime for away from the family. I would go as far as to say it is not normal to not spend any personal time away from family at all. Assert yourself in a positive way. Encourage her to go out on her own sometimes. Make this a regular event, say at least once a month. It is not true for her to say you don't want to spend time with family. Evidently that's how you spent most of your time.

I think my wife grumble not because I am not spending time with her. But she is not happy with the time we spent together. A lot of them are routine activities like shopping and dining out. She is no longer happy with those. This is very difficult for me because I don't have a magic wand to make her happy. And she cannot say what does she want to do to be happy either. So we are stuck with doing routine activies and she give me hard time when I try to do anything on my own.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Anyone who wants time away from family should get it, because otherwise resentment builds up. OP and Aurorazz, I think it is too bad your wives don't encourage you to get some "man time" and maybe you really, really need to encourage them to get some "girl time." Decide on a fair amount of "personal time" for each of you, each week, and then insist that you BOTH take it--maybe 4 hours, for example. Hers could be on a weekday when the kids are in school and she could swap time with another mom for child care or hire a sitter for those 4 hours; yours might be early Sat mornings or something like that. If either of you does not have plans for your alone time, just go to the coffee shop and read, or a book store, or a gym and sit in the hot tub after a good workout! The point is to get away from the routine in a manner that is equitable and healthy. And then, make sure you have couple time, too--again, a sitter on Sat. night every other week (swapping with another couple can work, too), and carve out one or two hours on at least one week night, and couples time cannot include ANY discussion of problems, kids, the household, etc. If each of you thinks about that time and stores up things you've read or heard or seen to mention, it is a way to reconnect that does not revolve around the routine. Couples time can include sex but it does not have to--just be sure to be on the same page about the plan for each segment of couples time! 

Guys, if your wives are pulling the long face when you want guy time, be firm but understanding. My S2BX would ALWAYS try to guilt me for going out to a movie (chick flick) by myself or with a friend. I just went and never gave it another thought until the next time he did it; then I'd go again and forget it! If you are the type of person who needs time away, nothing can change that. Maybe have your wives read something about why some people need time away--it's not just men, lots of women are that way too, and those of us who are like that see the nay-sayers as clingy and needy and it is a total turnoff! Talk it out, but stick to your plans. It's too important in the long run.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

aurorazz said:


> I think my wife grumble not because I am not spending time with her. But she is not happy with the time we spent together. A lot of them are routine activities like shopping and dining out. She is no longer happy with those. This is very difficult for me because I don't have a magic wand to make her happy. And she cannot say what does she want to do to be happy either. So we are stuck with doing routine activies and she give me hard time when I try to do anything on my own.


After a while, I think anyone can expect routine things to get boring. I know when I spend all day at home with my daughter and my H is at work I get a little jealous if he has other plans bc I want to be able to do things too and it always seems like he gets to and I don't. I can get that.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

The only thing I can think of is you should talk it over with your wife.

My wife has "her time"

I have "my time"

we have "together time"

and we have family time.

everyone needs space, inculding the children, my daughter likes to go play with her dolls by herself, my son on the PC. There are nights I go to my neighbors house and ahve a few beers, my wife stays home, th kids jump between our house and our neighbors, playing with their kids.

we communicate and understand each other and we all have our own needs. I work 10 on and 4 off, the fridays I am off my wife works late so, we have the morning off together and the kids are at school, so we usually have "quality" time such as Breakfast, shopping or whatever we feel like....a morning in bed.

the following monday, she is at work, i am home, i do something I want to do alone, such as work on the basement.

anyway, talk it out, see what she wants, she might have wanted to spend the morning in bed together, but you're golfing....bummer.


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## Demeter (Sep 2, 2009)

It's obvious you can't read her mind.

Another day would probably have been a lot better. It blind-sided her. I get things in my mind and am disturbed when he has some other plan.

However, he needs other things. We can't have all the same friends, not everyone we like is a couple, we don't all enjoy the same things. I find spending all your together stranger, as much as I want his time and attention.

I'd probably tell her that every other weekend morning (or some other limited time period) you need time to rest & play golf with the guys, or whatever. She can suggest the day that is best, so you don't to unduly strain her.

Maybe with whatever studies and whatever else she is doing, she needs time away, too. She may not want it, but needs it (like exercise). Ask, encourage, offer to babysit obviously. We've got to maintain social relationships and ability to communicate, relate, see someone else's garbage or position or just have unexpected fun. Go visit a relative she likes, if that works and there's no one else. Don't give her the impression that her out of the house, just that you want her to take and enjoy some time for herself. Make sure you get some 'together' time, too. Parenting can be so difficult and such a stress on relationships. Talk about it.

Good luck! We women can be a thorny, emotional handful, but if we switch shoes for a moment we usually eye-to eye (even if it just made you temporarily taller).


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

I know my husband and I have completely different types of friends. his are all guys, and I like most of them, but i'm not really the type to sit down and play call of duty with them all night either. He would much rather do that than go shopping or walk around this hippie town near by. so we have our own things, but we also have different "rules" you could say about our time away from each other. we never hang with the opposite sex alone. ever. we never drink without the other one around either. we don't do things the other finds inappropriate- regardless if we feel that way or not. little things like that make when he's out doing his thing easier to handle. i know he's not doing any of that while he's out which means no argument when he comes home or before he leaves. same for me.


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## rjd1965 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hello. I'm new here. Been married for 15 years. Its true that everyone needs their time to themselves/going out with friends time. I've found that if we discuss ahead of time what we want to do for the week, things run smoother. So if I want to go out sometime during the week, I try to plan ahead. If I get asked to hang out after work that day, first I know in advance if my wife has something planned, and I check with her to make sure she wasn't planning something special that night, or if she if frazzled. Nothing like getting stuck with the kids when your frazzled already!
If I just say "Hey I'm going out tonight with the guys", then she gets upset, and I lose points. (I'm not sure how the points work, but I'd like to see the score card sometime!)
Not that either one of us goes out that often, but knowing ahead of time helps not step on each others feelings. And the way its said is asking and not just saying "I am doing this". I think it helps the other person feel involved with the others going out time, even if they aren't going with.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Anyone who wants time away from family should get it, because otherwise resentment builds up. OP and Aurorazz, I think it is too bad your wives don't encourage you to get some "man time" and maybe you really, really need to encourage them to get some "girl time." Decide on a fair amount of "personal time" for each of you, each week, and then insist that you BOTH take it--maybe 4 hours, for example. Hers could be on a weekday when the kids are in school and she could swap time with another mom for child care or hire a sitter for those 4 hours; yours might be early Sat mornings or something like that. If either of you does not have plans for your alone time, just go to the coffee shop and read, or a book store, or a gym and sit in the hot tub after a good workout! The point is to get away from the routine in a manner that is equitable and healthy. And then, make sure you have couple time, too--again, a sitter on Sat. night every other week (swapping with another couple can work, too), and carve out one or two hours on at least one week night, and couples time cannot include ANY discussion of problems, kids, the household, etc. If each of you thinks about that time and stores up things you've read or heard or seen to mention, it is a way to reconnect that does not revolve around the routine. Couples time can include sex but it does not have to--just be sure to be on the same page about the plan for each segment of couples time!
> 
> Guys, if your wives are pulling the long face when you want guy time, be firm but understanding. My S2BX would ALWAYS try to guilt me for going out to a movie (chick flick) by myself or with a friend. I just went and never gave it another thought until the next time he did it; then I'd go again and forget it! If you are the type of person who needs time away, nothing can change that. Maybe have your wives read something about why some people need time away--it's not just men, lots of women are that way too, and those of us who are like that see the nay-sayers as clingy and needy and it is a total turnoff! Talk it out, but stick to your plans. It's too important in the long run.


 I wish I would've had this advice sooner lol, very helpful! And I really agree be firm and understanding and follow through. if oyu don't resentment will follow.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

It didn't sound so much like alone time that his wife was asking for but more along the lines of quality time, maybe? Is the time that the two of you are spending together, doing things that are routine and standard with the focus of the family in mind? Like grocery shopping, activities that involv the kids? I would venture to guess that maybe what she is actually asking for is true quality time between the two of you. Maybe you two could do a road trip, have the grandparents baby sit, and take a nice long scenic drive to somewhere over a weekend. 

I know my own failures in my past marriage was partially because of this. 

A good book to read is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.


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