# Help me please



## Swirl54 (Jul 8, 2011)

Ok my wife and I have sex at least 3 times a month sometimes as many as 6-7 times a month. The sex is great to me and she says it is to her as well she has orgasms every time as do I. She was a virgin when we met and was till we got married. I love her with everything I am. The problem is she HATES being touched, kissed, hugged, held in bed, sat next to etc...... It is really hurtful I cannot remember the last time she approached me for a kiss or hug. She is very good and passionate in bed I have no complaints at all. We have three awesome kids she is the same way with them to an extent but not near as severe she hugs and kisses them but does end up getting too much "love" and pushes them away or get annoyed. She has said she hates being touched even her coworkers know it. She has a friend who when she moves is going to give her in her words "the biggest most annoying hug ever" so my question is am I being unreasonable should I be happy with what I get and just let her be? Or does my complaint have a leg to stand on should I be worried? I am very much in love as is she trust me I know this it's just the touching-kissing part its non existent.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Did she struggle with any abuse or humiliation when she was younger? Has she always been this way in her life (and not just since getting married)? Does she know how much the kissing and hugging means to you?

No, it is not unreasonable to expect those things from your wife, but don't let not getting those things overun your thoughts. How does she feel love by you? How does she show her love towards you?


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## Swirl54 (Jul 8, 2011)

She grew up a jehovas witness which she hated. I do not believe she has been abused she would have told me that. I have told her many times how much kissing and hugging mean to me. I can be overwhelming with my approach to her I never get any affection so i try constantly and that annoys her a lot which i totally get. It's just that I can't help myself because I don't get any affection. I don't let it overrun my thoughts it's just very hurtful and I do beat myself up about it when it comes to mind. She shows love by being an awesome mom and wife she is the best thing that ever happened to me and my best friend. When she does approach me for a hug it makes my year i can't remember the last time she did and approaching me for a kiss hasn't happened for EVER. If i do get one it's all because of my efforts and it's a quick get away from me or stop kissing me feeling.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Can you talk to her and ask her what's up? Do you have fresh breath when you want a kiss from her? Are you clean and smelling good?

She may not have been shown much physical affection as a child and that is what she's comfortable with. She may have a need for physical space that you don't. 

Ask her what you can do to get more affection from her and tell her it's important for you to receive in order to feel connected and happy. Try to meet in the middle.

You gravitated to a woman who isn't affectionate for a reason. It could very likely be that only cold/distant women are a turn-on for you initially but then you crave more affection in your long-term relationship.


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## Swirl54 (Jul 8, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Can you talk to her and ask her what's up? Do you have fresh breath when you want a kiss from her? Are you clean and smelling good?
> 
> She may not have been shown much physical affection as a child and that is what she's comfortable with. She may have a need for physical space that you don't.
> 
> ...


. She was affectionate in the begining we have talked she says I smother her. Which I totally get I do but it's because of lack of attention. She is great in every other way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I feel bad for you bro. Been there done that. I need to get my wife on here and see if she can give you some ideas. It was a process that took a while but she broke out of that shell. Maybe she can tell what her break through was.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Swirl54 said:


> . She was affectionate in the begining we have talked she says I smother her. Which I totally get I do but it's because of lack of attention. She is great in every other way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would suggest you listen to your wife. If she says you are smothering her, then continuing to do so will only result in her pulling farther away. I would suggest that you back off for now and give her the space she needs. The smothering is not only uncomfortable for her, but likely also makes you appear very needy, which many women find very unattractive and may be the reason why she is no longer as affectionate with you as she was in the beginning.

Here's a good thread that you might like to read: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## eastcoastgirl (Jul 8, 2011)

Often as in my case, I was not hugged or cuddled as a child that I remember. I grew up pretty independent because I had no choice. My parents were there physically but nothing much emotionally. I worked full time, came home to children with a mission on mind. Get chores done, kids in bed so I could REST. I was being a mother, wife and felt I was doing my job being getting this all done. I saw small things that I felt needed to be done NOW and my way and I neglected the most important things that were right under my noise, such as my husbands embrace as I washed dishes or did things. He wanted attention, I wanted to get things DONE. I know I hurt him terribly by making him feel rejected. I suggest that you back off and let her see what she is missing. She will come looking and when she ask tell her how you feel.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

You are totally smothering her and that is a huge turn off to people. And I don't mean a sexual turnoff (although that as well). You said she was affectionate in the beginning of your relationship. My guess (emphasis on guess) is that your constant initiating and requesting affection has completely turned her off to the idea. It's fine to let her know affection is important to you, but then respect her. Lay off!!! Don't come around looking for hugs and kisses and gropes and cuddles. Just be friendly. The more space she has the more likely she'll start to not see physical affection through such a repulsive prism. Don't try to change her, change yourself. Then and only then will she feel unthreatened enough to change herself.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Some people aren't into being touchy/feely. She may also think that the hugs-kisses-etc will lead to sex rather than be just a show of affection.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Hey, you have an pretty cool wife. I'm into women who's not into the touchy-feely stuff. You're such a lucky guy.

I've been with women who have a balance in being pretty cool and touchy-feely but never one or the either.

As for the advice, I would accept her as who she is if I were in your shoes.


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