# Ex's and Opposite Sexes



## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Hello everyone! This is my first post here. I've gone through a few posts and LOVE the support here. My wife (30) and I (40) have been married for four years and known each other for 8. We were best friends first so that's a good thing I guess. She mostly dated girls before we met and says she finds most men "gross". Tonight I'm having to go hang out with one of her ex's (a girl) and a guy they both slept with a few times. And yes, the three of them together. I'm VERY uncomfortable with this. I've told her this and her response was "oh, it was like 11 years ago, relax". I've hung out with the ex girlfriend and my wife a few times and that was bad enough. My wife has slept with just about all of her friends and as time goes by she slips up when drinking and I find out about ANOTHER of her friends she says she never slept with that she in fact DID sleep with. I have NO problem with her hanging out with friends but what do you do when your wife mostly likes girls and most of them are ex's? I mean, even when she meets some girl and casually says how cute that girl is I get nervous, and for good reason I would think. She used to hang out with her best friend and her husband and drink a lot and watch porn and sleep in their bed and I'm supposed to believe they never did anything? Really?! I don't know what to do. The fact she slept with girls mostly makes it VERY difficult. I can't tell her she can have no friends. I have NO ONE to talk to about any of this. Help?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Have you told your wife how you feel?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sounds like your values don't match up, and you guys desperately need counselling.

Also don't be afraid to have boundaries and stick to them. Maybe come up with boundaries together that you stick with that help you affair proof your marriage.

Also see the thread on here on opposite friends, you could apply those principles to same sex friends, or at least some of them.

What ever you do, don't be a doormat, or she won't respect you. Tell her as her husband you want to protect your marriage.

And lastly she needs to stop being dishonest.

Good luck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What was your courtship like? Did she hang out with these women while you two were exclusively dating?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'd say: you are making me EXTRAORDINARILY uncomfortable within my marriage. You continue to flaunt your ex LOVERS in front of me, and expect me to accept that simply because they are girls. Well, if it's not cool if they are boys, it's certainly not cool if they are girls. And given your past predilections, you are making me SERIOUSLY wonder if you really want me in your life or wish to go back to chicks. 

So I won't be attending your little threesome reunion. And if you had any respect for my feelings, you'd cancel. But I'm guessing that won't happen."

Then I'd hide a VAR in the living room and bedroom.

YOU have not been direct enough in your feelings and she is NOT being empathetic or trustworthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

:iagree:

I like JCD's response. I would also add the following. She is being disrespectful by not fully disclosing the names of every person she has had a sexual relationship (of any kind) with. It is dishonest and disloyal not to tell you. It is also incredibly dishonorable and insulting to put you in the position of socially interacting with people you do not know she has had sex with.

Perhaps she doesn't see it as hurtful to you. You may have to calmly explain to her the betrayal you feel when one of these situations crops up. Also how it sends the message that these other people are more important to her than your marriage is.

I think I would make it a divorce level boundary that she fully disclose all names. Perhaps not specifically say the word divorce, but tell her this is "serious" or "a line in the sand for me". She must sit down with you and give you a solid accounting with names and timelines.

There is a Catch-22 with a nuclear consequence. If you tell her D is the result of finding out more names, she will never ever tell you in the future if she left any names out. On the other hand she needs to be scared to her core that this is a very serious issue for you, and her behavior has to change.

I'll be honest, most everybody would require No Contact with former lovers. Certainly no direct socializing. If she's been with most of the people in her social circle, she may have to give up that group entirely.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I disagree with Thor a bit.

The problem I would have isn't that she hasn't disclosed every lover; it's that she seems to only socialize with them. She seems to equate 'friendship' with sex. She's sleeping with you, right?

Now I'd man up enough to get over you didn't marry a virgin. And YOU were the one who chose to marry an ex (?) lesbian. (Call Liza Minnelli for how to deal)

But...it's time for her to be LESS forthcoming and less sociable with her ex LOVERS. That is what they are. Time to find some MARRIED friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I like JCD's response. I would also add the following. She is being disrespectful by not fully disclosing the names of every person she has had a sexual relationship (of any kind) with. It is dishonest and disloyal not to tell you. It is also incredibly dishonorable and insulting to put you in the position of socially interacting with people you do not know she has had sex with.
> 
> ...


There is not AFAIK any infidelity. But there is a total lack of class and it IS worrying. The alcoholic keeps inviting her favorite Brandy licker over.

She should drop her friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Sounds like your values don't match up, and you guys desperately need counselling.
> Also don't be afraid to have boundaries and stick to them. Maybe come up with boundaries together that you stick with that help you affair proof your marriage.
> And lastly she needs to stop being dishonest.
> Good luck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Wow guys thanks for the GREAT responses! 
She knows how I feel about all this. I've told her about it MANY times. She just shrugs it off with an attitude like I'm silly or crazy for the way I feel about it.
@NextTimeAround: Our courtship was great. We are both musicians and we used to write and record music for hours, go on trips together and things like that. We have fun just grocery shopping. Yea she hung out with these women. At the time I didnt know she slept with them though. This came out years later.

My wife is SUPER stubborn and stuck in her ways. She lives in the past as well. All she talks about is her college days when she partied and all that. It's like shes stuck at age 21! I'm sure if I said it's either me or your friends, we would be getting a divorce. She sees NO problem hanging out with people she had relations with. She is VERY VERY liberal.

@JCD: I agree. I don't care if she has not told me about every one of them but she doesnt need to be in contact with them at all. It's not cool. I know who I married. But you cant help who you fall in love with. We are talking soul mate, love at first site kind of love. My best friend.

I'm no angel though. I have done some bad things as well. Never EVER cheated on her though. Not in any way. Why would I? My wife is BEAUTIFUL, sexy, smart, funny, and I love spending time with her. But man if I confront her about something she immediately brings up things I did like 3 years ago. So i don't know, maybe this marriage is just over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your wife has serious boundary issues. And the thing is you married her knowing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Lotustar said:


> Wow guys thanks for the GREAT responses!
> She knows how I feel about all this. I've told her about it MANY times. She just shrugs it off with an attitude like I'm silly or crazy for the way I feel about it.
> @NextTimeAround: Our courtship was great. We are both musicians and we used to write and record music for hours, go on trips together and things like that. We have fun just grocery shopping. Yea she hung out with these women. At the time I didnt know she slept with them though. This came out years later.
> 
> ...


Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)

She gets what she wants and whatever you feel, need etc is irrelevant.

Think very hard about that statement. If it's accurate, this means serious problems. You are still reasonably young at 40. Now it the time to make some hard decisions WITH HER.

I would give your love at *second* sight another look.


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Your wife has serious boundary issues. And the thing is you married her knowing this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boundary issues? Explain further?


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

JCD said:


> Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)
> 
> She gets what she wants and whatever you feel, need etc is irrelevant.
> 
> ...


Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man. she's not marriage material, you knew it.

She's a master manipulator, a complete gasligter. Screams personality disorder from afar.

My advice is embrace the ride and enjoy while it lasts.
Or quit before she drains your soul.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Lotustar said:


> Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.


I'm not there so you need to make that judgement yourself.


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Well it looks like its def over. I called her on all her bs and she instantly started on the cursing at me and basically going ballistic. As soon as I find a place to live I will be moving out. Of course she wanted me to leave tonight but I don't know anyone here and all my family is in another state. It was her idea to move here and I do love this city but she knows I have no where to go right this second. In my opinion thats a pretty horrible thing to ask someone to do when they have no where to go.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Whoa! Who said 'call her on all her BS'? You address THE issue: how constantly seeing ex lovers male and female is a 'no-go' to you.

Otherwise you run the risk of letting all the resentments flail out and the other person gets defensive.

You, btw, are being a wimp. Why should you go? If she no longer wants you, her opinion is irrelevant to you. If you are paying, you go nowhere until you are ready. Don't engage, don't fight. She's a temperamental ROOMMATE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't move out of your home until you talk to a divorce lawyer. You are now into the business and legal negotiation phase. Every move has implications on your future financial and legal situation.

So she initiated moving to this city where all of her previous lovers are? Very red flag to me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> Don't move out of your home until you talk to a divorce lawyer. You are now into the business and legal negotiation phase. Every move has implications on your future financial and legal situation.
> 
> So she initiated moving to this city where all of her previous lovers are? Very red flag to me.


Have her move out if she wants!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

She seems to have more people with available beds (sorry, couldn't help myself...)

Don't do anything right now. See a lawyer right now. But don't make any choices except don't back down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

JCD said:


> She seems to have more people with available beds (sorry, couldn't help myself...)
> 
> Don't do anything right now. See a lawyer right now. But don't make any choices except don't back down!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha! That's funny . Na I'm not moving out. There is no way in hell I'm leaving this house as long as my name is on the lease. And she is the one that is going to have to file the divorce papers. I'm not going to spend a dime or my time on this. My parents own a multi million dollar company and I have their attorneys at my disposal. 
Living in the same house right now is VERY uncomfortable though. Sometimes she's a real (b)itch and sometimes she's really nice. It can change in minutes. And this woman can be vicious. The other day she kicked her dog because the dog was pulling on the leash too hard. Today she pushed her cat off the counter REALLY hard because the cat meowed. Who does that?! No one sees this side of her and thinks she is just a little princess that can do no wrong and whatever she says just HAS to be the truth. She's a women's studies major and thinks all men are evil and should die. Unless she wants to sleep with them of course. So I have been her punching bag for years now. And the blame for all things gone wrong in her life. Worse part is she has everyone believing it. Ugh. Sorry, venting a little bit. Can't wait to see how this plays out. It's bound to get nasty.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lotustar said:


> And this woman can be vicious. The other day she kicked her dog because the dog was pulling on the leash too hard. Today she pushed her cat off the counter REALLY hard because the cat meowed. Who does that?!


Sociopaths comes to mind.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Abusive eh? Both physically and emotionally. 

Be prepared in case she attacks physically. Don't retaliate, run if you have to but don't strike her except to save your life/limb. Call the police immediately and file a report if that happens. Lock your bedroom door while you sleep. (I assume you'll be sleeping in a different room.)


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## Sean B (Aug 13, 2012)

Lotustar said:


> "My parents own a multi million dollar company" and I have their attorneys at my disposal.




Uh Oh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> The other day she kicked her dog because the dog was pulling on the leash too hard. Today she pushed her cat off the counter REALLY hard because the cat meowed.


Wow... seriously... she abuses animals... I hope she steps in front of a bus... Not one at full speed, but one either coming to a stop or pulling out.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Please, don't forget to carry a VAR with you always.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She's a women's studies major


:lol:

Sorry mate, but what is that? I'm not american you see. What is "women's studies"? Do you also have "men's studies"? What do they learn in those?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No, they don't have "Men's Studies" or "Caucasian Studies". It is too misogynist or racist to have those as university courses.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thor said:


> No, they don't have "Men's Studies" or "Caucasian Studies". It is too misogynist or racist to have those as university courses.


:scratchhead:

Huh? So, you have women's studies (whatever is that) but no men's studies? Why would that be misogynist? 

Are things related to men necessarily against women? If so, why is the vice-versa not the same? Sometimes you yanks are really hard to understand!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sounds like you may be in an envious position. If you feel your wife will never change, then just go with it. You may just find yourself in bed with two women regularly.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

costa200 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Huh? So, you have women's studies (whatever is that) but no men's studies? Why would that be misogynist?
> 
> Are things related to men necessarily against women? If so, why is the vice-versa not the same? Sometimes you yanks are really hard to understand!



It is all about "political correctness". It is acceptable to discuss how one group has been discriminated against by a particular other group, but not vice versa. It is acceptable to promote the interests of some racial groups but it is racist to promote the interests of other particular groups.

Promoting the interests of men, for instance, would be characterized by some as misogynist because it is accepted doctrine that men discriminate against women. Thus it would be against women to promote men. While this is patently bs, it is effective propaganda.

Political correctness is another name for suppression of viewpoints which differ from those of the controlling elite.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm wondering if your wife is current having an affair? I could be the flaunting of supposed ex lovers in your face is a game she's been playing. Perhaps they aren't ex lovers, but still current.


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm wondering if your wife is current having an affair? I could be the flaunting of supposed ex lovers in your face is a game she's been playing. Perhaps they aren't ex lovers, but still current.


I'm lotustar's soon to be ex-wife. I've supported him for 6 years because no matter how much I've pleased, begged, an cried, he wouldn't work and believes he shouldn't have to since he occasionally does my laundry. I was young when we met and I allowed him to make all the rules and force me to be his mistress on the side while he went home to his girlfriend every night for a year. When he did finally move in I wasn't allowed to see hardly any of my friends, and certainly not any I had ever dated before. I also had to quit acting because he didn't want me to "kiss anyone on screen." The whole time he was seeing his ex-girlfriend behind my back of course. After we got married he got incredibly string out behind my back. He stole from me, physically abused me to the point of trying to stab me to death, and abandoned me for weeks at a time - would just disappear back to his ex -girlfriends house. when hed reappear hed rell me he only saw her for drugs, but i read email after email where he called me a "****bag" and told her how in love with her he was and how leaving her was "the biggest mistake he ever made." He spent a uear abd a half disappearing in and out of my life but swears even thpugh he loved woth her he wasnt sleeping with her. She of course says differently and I havent met a person yet who thinks hes telling the truth - men included. I even found divorce papers on my birthday. his excuse was rhat they "werent real", but he always had an excuse or a justification for everyrhing. My heart broke so many times and Into so many pieces that I was terrified of never be happy or whole again. Despite all of this I stayed with him and spent every cent I had and all of my time trying to help him, cure him, save his life. I finally pleaded with him to leave Atlanta and come to stay with my family in charleston. I'd begged his parents for help but they told me to throw him out on the street and that it wasn't their problem. I didn't want him to die and I wanted the person I believed loved me back. Well, I found out later that he even had his ex come visit him in charleston! After everything my family and I did for him. We were there for a year and a half and I had to drive 3 hours round trip to work to support is but he still never lifted a finger to get a job. Then I found out by accident that he had 2 teenage children even though he'd sworn to me that he'd never had kids and that he "never wanted a baby before he met me." He denied it and denied it but his sister, and then his father, had to tell me he was being "dishonest with me -" a if that was anythjng new. I was shocked and devastated and asked for a divorce then, but he begged me to just give him the chance to finish the band project we had worked so hard on. We went to Atlanta to start rehearsing and I was beginning to feel happy again when 2 weeks later I came home one night from work and he and all of his stuff was gone! He'd run off with his ex again while I was at work. After everything I'd been through with him I finally broke that night. The band had been my liferaft through the hell he put me through all those years before and he even took that from me without seemingly a second thought. I finally decided aftwr living for him for years i wanted to do one thing for myself - I wanted to move home to nola. He again promised to work, promised to pay half the bills, and actually "fell on love with the city" - he says. He lied constantly to his girlfriend, he lied constantly to me, and now, even though he's getting his dad to suddenly send him all this money all the time, I'm still the only one who works and pays all the bills. I paid for us to go on a cruise with my parents as a present for their anniversary and he showed up sick even though he'd promised me he wasn't using. Instead of apologizing he said "who cares, I was only sick the days we were out to sea." He's never taken me out to dinner, or bought me a Christmas present. When I confront him about stealing from me or lying to me about where he was or who he was with he greys angry and screams at me and calls me names. When I told him nothing had gotten better on six years and I loved him but I needed to separate for ME, so that I could go to grad school and have a career and not have to support him any longer, his first reps phones was "stop talking before I break every bone in your body." I want to believe he was just angry, but he's attacked me violently before in the past and I'm not sure I trust him. Yes, I've been angry towards him, and yes, since he destroyed my dream and ran back off with his ex AGAIN a year and a half ago, I've tried to spend more time with friends or alone. But this summer and fall I could hardly get out of bed because I don't feel like I have any reason to get up anymore. I loved him more than anything in the world and I fought so hard for our marriage and after all this time nothing has changed- ad even worse, sometimes he'll tell me he still loves me and maybe with counseling he could do better, but then he makes up all these lies about me and trashes me on the Internet! Lately I jus feel numb I guess. Wen he pawned his wedding ring the last time it had been a few years. I used to get hysterical and immediately go work my ass off toget it out (so he could just do it all over again), but this time when it went missing and he lied and said "oh, I put it in my jewelry box" I knew better, but I didn't argue. When I told him I knew the truth (like i usually do) weeks later while he was sick he just shrugged and said "he''d take care of it." He still hasn't. But this time I didn't cry. I didn't feel my heart shatter. I just felt .....numb. Like after all these years of fighting for someone who never fought for me I've just given up. I've spent years wondering if there's something wrong with me that a man would want to treat me like this and abandon me over and over and lie to me and about me so constantly while I do everything I can to take care of him. It took me a very long time to start realizing that its not me - I'm by no means perfect, but no woman, or human, deserves to live like this. So I don't hate him, or any of you who didn't know the real story, I just hate myself for letting it go on so long because I kept believing he'd change one day. Like one day hed suddenly wake up and want to support and protect and foght for me the way i jave for hom all of these years. He never wanted me to be his wife or his partber though - he just wanted me to replace his emotionally absent mother. It's so cliche it's almost funny. There are some really good parts to him and happy moments with him or I couldn't have survived the rest, but sometimes no matter how much you love someone, love just isn't enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This is one of the dangers of the internet: we get incomplete and biased data.

So...who is telling the truth? I don't know.

I wish both of you well. It seems neither of you wants to stay married. Hopefully, whatever the inner demons of either of you, you find some healing somehow...away from each other.

There is a better life out there


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Quoting myself


Acabado said:


> Man. she's not marriage material, you knew it.
> 
> She's a master manipulator, a complete gasligter. Screams personality disorder from afar.
> 
> ...





Acabado said:


> Sociopaths comes to mind.


Now just change the genders and you have the OP.

Who knows what's realityy an what's not? I would bet the wife sounds way more sincere.... who knows.


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Quoting myself
> 
> Now just change the genders and you have the OP.
> 
> Who knows what's realityy an what's not? I would bet the wife sounds way more sincere.... who knows.





Acabado said:


> Quoting myself
> 
> Now just change the genders and you have the OP.
> 
> Who knows what's realityy an what's not? I would bet the wife sounds way more sincere.... who knows.


It's true I was a women's studies major. And it's true I had mostly dated women before my husband. But that didn't matter to me because I fell madly in love with him, or with who he presented himself to be. Looking back there were huge red flags -warning signs that he was a pathological liar and that he could be emotionally, and even physically violent. But I had never loved someone that passionately before, and that kind of love, especially when it's a new experience to you, tends to give you rose colored glasses. I did have friends who thought his extreme jealousy and controlling behavior, plus his lack of employment were troubling, but I LOVED him and he always told me he was jealous and controlling because he was in love with me and couldn't help it. Besides, he always promised he'd get a job and pay his half of the bills in the next few weeks, then next month, then when we moved......I realized at some point that it was probably never going to happen, but some sick part of me kept saying "he loves you, he sees how hard you work and how much you stress out trying to support him, so he'll do the right thing." He also cheated on his girlfriend with me for a year. I kept telling him it wasn't fair to either of us and that he had to make a choice and tell us both the truth, but it was always "it's not the right time. I love YOU, not her, but we have a house and cats and a new business together so you have to be patient. Ill leave her when the time is right." He asked me to marry him while he was still living with her. When I told him he was crazy, because how could I even consider marrying someone who wouldn't move out of his girlfriends house he threw a tantrum, like I was being totally unreasonable. He told me my apartment was too small and asked that we move into a house together, of which he would of course pay half the bills to, so I did it and he left me (the first of countless times) 3 days later, actually calling me a "home wrecker" and telling me I should have known better! Remember he was 10 yeas older then me and I had been the one constantly telling him to stop lying and make a choice. A month later he emailed me upset that I had gone on a date with someone else, so because I was still in love with him and he convinced me that I was his "soul-mate" we started seeing each other again. I wasn't allowed to date anyone else, or sleep with anyone else, but while I was alone in a half empty house (that I was now paying for), he was in bed with his girlfriend every night. He actually told me that he "had to sleep with her" to keep appearances up, and that it wasn't cheating on me. Looking back now I don't know how I was so blind and stupid - I guess I believed that since we were so happy when we spent time together it would all be worth it wen he finally moved in. Eventually he did, we got engaged and then married, and soon after all those terrible things started happening to me. He blamed everything he did to me on drugs, but obviously his treatment of me was pretty bad long before that. The story of the next few years is too long and painful to go into, and yes there were two occasions when he'd left me to go love with his girlfriend, had pawned his wedding ring, and had made it pretty clear I'd never see him again, that I did hook up with a female friend of mine. Two nights - while he spent weeks and weeks throughout that period with another woman. So yes, I have done wrong and I told him about it. The point of all this is, I never thought I'd be this woman. Not ME. I thought I was too smart, too educated, too feminist, too surrounded by great friends and family to end up in an abusive relationship and to actually ACCEPT that relationship and fight tooth and nail to save it and change it. He said all the right things and made me feel so loved and special and irreplaceable, that even when his actions said otherwise, I wanted to believe they were all just mistakes and that underneath it all, he really DID live me more than anything in the world. That's what I was afraid of losing, and that fear has cost me everything. Today is Christmas Eve. I am just now packing to drive all the way to Charleston, SC to see my family. I couldn't leave until today because I had to keep working until our electric, rent, and doctor bills were all paid, plus I needed gas and food money. My mother brought up a brilliant point when she said "I think it's ridiculous that your husbands father has been sending him all this money, and yet he didn't contribute a dime of it to your joint bills, and instead ran off to Texas on Friday to spend the holidays with his family, leaving you behind to work your tail off until everything was paid." The kicker was that I, in my empathetic stupidity, LENT him 200 dollars almost two weeks ago DESPITE the money his father had been sending him and his lack of any contribution to rent. Every day he promised he'd pay me back the next day, and the next. On Wednesday I made him SWEAR to get me the money Thursday so I could use it to replace my windshield. He SWORE. I know by now that means less then nothing coming from him, but at least I could remind him the next day. Well, no money Thursday. Which he lame on his dad, so Friday he texts and says he'll give it to me. I return home from the doctor, he tells me he's changed his plans and is leaving for Texas in an hour, but PROMISES he'll wire it the mi it's he gets there. Nope. So Saturday he calls me crying and pleading with me to help him bc he's desperately sick. I'm in another state but look some things up for him, and in all those hours of driving around looming for the cure to what ails him, he still doesn't stop to send me the money he owes me. I was supposed to leave to see MY family Sunday, but exhausted as I was, had to work all night instead bc he wouldn't simply pay me back so I'd have gas money. He jus paid me and I'm about to hit the road and drive all night, but to add insult to injury, he actually sent me a text saying "my dad just gave me 800 bucks!" After paying his bills all weekend while he vacationed, and waiting over a week for a measly 200 he owed me, he thinks its appropriate to text me and brag about how much cash his dad just handed him. This has been my typical life for 6 years now. So he can say I'm crazy all he wants, he can say I'm selfish or a ***** or whatever else he can come up with to make himself feel better, but the only thing truly crazy about me is that I have put up with this kind of treatment day in, day out for this many years, all in the naive, vain hope that he would one day transform into someone normal and empathetic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Not to be mean, because you are hurting, but don't they teach you to use paragraph breaks in Women Studies?

It makes the text much easier to read. I try to wade in but about two inches in, my eyes start getting lost.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why can't people value the ones they are coupled with?

why can' t people treat each other as valued respected aspects for their life?

why can't people not cheat?

why can't people say no to sex when offer it from people they aren't married to?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Please leave him if he's awful. He sounds it from your texts.

Here is a question: How did you come to be here and on his account?

I am glad we got the other side of the story, but I feel there is a tale on that front.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What the hell did I read ?? I hate how scumbags like OP get away with this ****..

Atleast you don't have kids with him and you are only 30. He should be ashamed to be still taking money at this age.

Don't even think of going back to him.. Women like you often go back to abusers. Get yourself into therapy.

And finally, remember one thing in your future relationships. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. What did you think you would get by getting together with a cheater ?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

When you sleep with the dogs, you get fleas.

Still, it sounds an awful, awful situation. I hope you can both find happiness although it sounds like that won't be together. 

Perhaps the OP's wife might be better registering for her own account?


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

JCD said:


> Please leave him if he's awful. He sounds it from your texts.
> 
> Here is a question: How did you come to be here and on his account?
> 
> I am glad we got the other side of the story, but I feel there is a tale on that front.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

That's a fair question. 3 years ago he had pawned his own phone so I have him mine to use since I was at work all the time anyway. I was far too co-dependent back then. Anyway, when I got my phone back, there were pages and pages open on my browser of sites like this. Here I was working 6 nights a week trying to keep a roof over our heads and both of our stuff he'd run off with from getting lost forever at the pawn shop, and he was going on these marriage forums and literally making things up. He never mentioned a word about his substance abuse problem, or the woman he was living with much of the time, or how I'd had to call the pice when I came home early to find he and his girlfriend at my house and he'd kicked in my door and threatened to kill me when I told him to leave. Instead, he was trying to get sympathy from strangers by saying I had some "fat boy toy" and was cheating on him with all these nameless people and so on so forth. At the time I was heartbroken and destroyed because I was working so hard to help him and he was sitting around while I worked, using my phone to go on these forums and create a false story for himself to garner sympathy. Maybe he did it in some twisted way so that he could read the responses and justify to himself his treatment of me. I don't know. In any case, he left his screen name and password right there in my phone. After six years you know someone pretty well, and since he's threatening me with his daddy's attorneys and other things, I knew he'd be trying to justify and curry sympathy again online where no one actually knew him or the real story. He says everyone "adores" me, which isn't true of course, but I do have a lot of friends and a close family. I'm not a witch who magically puts people under spells - I just put a lot of time and energy into helping people and being there for them. I go out of my way to take care of everyone around me. I take it too far sometimes, like with my husband, but mostly I have healthy friendships where there's trust and reciprocation. What's so wrong with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lotustar (Oct 28, 2012)

JCD said:


> Not to be mean, because you are hurting, but don't they teach you to use paragraph breaks in Women Studies?
> 
> It makes the text much easier to read. I try to wade in but about two inches in, my eyes start getting lost.


Yes I know how to use paragraph brakes, I was simply typing on my iPhone because my laptop got crushed on the cruise we took a few weeks ago. I haven't quite figured out proper editing on my new iPhone yet, I apologize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SO you took over this account ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> And people argue that sexual history doesn't matter. The problem here is that she's slept with all of her friends male and female. Most people don't like their SO pal-ing around exs they've had sex with. This sounds like you made a sh!t sandwich and now it taste like sh!t. Figure out what boundaries you are feel comfortable with and let her know. If you guys can't come to a compromise then maybe you're not compatible.


Umm...Read the last page. The OP is a liar and his wife found his account


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You have the advantage of anonymity here on the internet. What we see may not be the full truth and what we say is not objective.


I did not bother reading your posts once you chimed in as the exW and said quite a few situations but it sounds almost as if you want to justify your cheating by stating all of his wrongs. If both of you did wrong then admit to your own offenses with out justifying any of your faults.

If what the OP has said about his wife is true then his spouse is guilty and responsible for their own sins just as the OP is responsible.

There is no reason to cheat on your spouse, no matter how good or how bad period


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Marrying with happiness and perfection is hard enough.

I hope you both can find the strength to do what is best for the both of you, and the first step is to forgive. After that you can ask the why, when, what etc.


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