# Motivated woman



## Emj (Jun 8, 2021)

Going to keep this as descriptive and shortish as possible. I met my husband shortly after I turned 21 he was 27 at the time. I was not interested in dating anybody as I was out of a very serious relationship and the night I met my husband my dad was in the hospital from having a stroke. I was in a really weird place my life, I was living on my own voice of hoarding myself and full-time in school to be a vet technician. Our first date didn't even go as I imagined, a bunch of people from school encouraged meeting on this date with him but he kept asking about, I was a struggling student and I thought at least I can get a free meal probably. It started out really rough to where he couldn't find where I lived so I had to meet him out of store parking lot and leave my car there, he was nervous and he babbled about his bad credit and his ex-gf a ton. I never really had a serious strong sense of feelings for him.. but the fact he was so honest is intriguing to me, I also was young and didn't realize how much work my future self would be looking at to help this man become a better man. I figured since he was older that he would be able to take care of himself. As time went on we got serious and moved in together Tama I was working overtime and he was on unemployment since the company he worked for had gone out of business and it was somewhat a stroke of bad luck. I had to turn my cell phone off to pay our bills.. his Common Sense has always been lacking, but I was really busy with my career path working in a vet clinic full-time and furthering School. And then here it comes, I was on birth control full-time where I take it for a year at a time and I had done this for a couple of years. I didn't have a cycle and so I had no idea I had gotten pregnant and I didn't find out until 8 and a half weeks with our oldest daughter who is now almost 11. Time has gone by and I've always been the one who finds where we live or Pixar home when we bought it in our cars and does all the thinking for the credit and helped him get his credit up super high, while at the same time having to neglect my student loans quite a bit but I'm still overwhelmed with. I no longer do the profession that I went to school for oh, because I chose to stay home with my daughter who had a serious medical complication as a newborn, it was a very serious condition and I couldn't have her in the care of anyone else due to having her revived.

We didn't get engaged until after everything happened and I was in a very depressed mode in my life I also had a severe medical complication at the end of my pregnancy where I was on bed rest and I had to have surgery and it was everything I didn't want to do. Moving forward he decided to become a truck driver.. he told me while we were dating that he didn't have his high school diploma because he was short a couple credits and decided not to go and finish, I almost broke up with him because of it but for some reason I believed him when he said he would go back and get it finished and he had planned to do more. He's always told me that he will always keep it interesting, this is of course when we were still in our twenties. Now he just turned 40 years old, Works a very demanding schedule that is not good for him long-term, he's been doing truck driving for 8 years we have had times where he was on the road for a year at 30 days away and 4 home, it was really hard on me and really hard on my daughter who was having complications with her health and night terrors. I decided to start my own business which became very successful, I've been supportive of him finding a new career path or profession or a trade that he enjoys oh, he has had Talent such as being a musician he can read music and he played the trumpet for all of high school and had a college scholarship offered to him however she didn't finish his credits and he never went and he often talks about it. I pushed him to join a band, his stepdad started a tribute band and asked him to join and he was fully interested yet never wanted to practice but he went to the photo shoot to be on their album cover and all their marketing. Before we met I was supposed to move away the Palm Desert California to work for animal control until I finished my tech license completely, however she ended up getting evicted from where he was living because his roommate reported that I was staying over too often and it got really messy and complicated so I took him in after I had just broken up with the last guy who was super abusive to me, my husband has never been abusive to me however I think he is somewhat has never been abusive towards me. However I do feel I've been manipulated many times now that I'm in my 30's I can see how I was so young, vulnerable and wanted a project. My Dad was a drug addict and became sober when I was 18..I have always been drawn to projects. We had another daughter together while he was working on the road a lot, I found out that he was talking to other women on the internet and sending videos of himself and receiving them, which to me is a different category than just watching p***. I was pregnant at the time and I had two miscarriages before this, the only reason I found out was because he was asleep and I needed to find our gender reveal video because he hadn't emailed it to me yet and he told me he would so I decided to go on his phone and send it to myself when I found all the videos. He is always been heavier-set, he is short and bald and as always shaved his head since we met but often lets it out grow, he's not interested in working out of any kind and I've always been into fitness and taking care of myself and eating well, while these are just not his interest. His porn preference has been perfect small framed women, while regularly I'm 5'4 a hundred and thirty pounds and while I was pregnant I was about 142 and it shouldn't even matter but it was really hurtful at the time during my hormonal stages at 7 months pregnant, he lost all interest in having sex while pregnant and I felt beautiful and curvy and my hair was long and I honestly thought I looked way better than my first pregnancy and I felt better and so it was really hurtful, I was confident and he was repulsed. I never got a foot rub or a back rub or treated any special way for carrying a second child, I really don't want to resent these memories but they still stick with me because I know if I hadn't been pregnant I would have left him no questions asked, it was a really hard time because I had just lost my job of taking care of a retired senior man who used to be a doctor, he paid me very well and I could take my daughter to work with me since ahe was 4 months old until she was 2.5, I worked for him fot 5 years, while in school or when at a vet clinic. 

My photography business has been going well and I've been going after another dream of mine and I just added a second part-time job so I can work evenings in the city and get out of the house for the first time for hours at a time, he goes to work really early or is to go to bed really early and it just tired all the time no matter what so it seems like the perfect time to start doing something I enjoy outside of the house since I have been a full-time mom while working full-time for myself. I want him to change his profession, after 8 years. Not because I'm ashamed of it, I'm ashamed of what this sleep schedule is doing to his health. He sounds like he has apnea, he is pale and never converses with me unless I ask. I have become a nag near 11 years married. I don't like myself and know my kid's won't remember us as loving, he isn't one to make me feel good and now the way he treats me makes me never want to be intimate, mind you he only wants to be intimate 1 or 2 times a month, it was a huge adjustment as I had a very high sex drive. I often have had to take care of myself, when I was pregnant my drive was super high and it made me depressed he found me repulsive while I looked past the fact he was 220 lbs and 5'6/5'7..not a healthy bmi. My self esteem has depleted, it's improving now and it seems to be threatening to him. I can be a very independent woman, yet I seek companionship to where we can have fun together. I understand we just had a pandemic so it's been hard for many but even before then it was a challenge. 

I've done therapy, have apps like talkspace and everyone tells me it seems I am doing all that ai can do. I worry I had a false sense of chemistry and that we are incompatable now. 

He is up at 2am to 5 am for 12 to 14 hour days, he has 4 credit cards now and he doesn't let me know what's on them. He has put on a lot of weight recently and seems very depressed, I used to help by making him lunch yet he still spends 15 to 30 a day. Also, I am pro cannabis, not a drinker really but on occasion. He is using kratom daily, vapes nicotine and drinks energy drinks daily.. Everything I find repulsive and a waste of money as well as especially hard on him at his age and lack of sleep. I don't want to be facing a devastation one day, I've lost too many important men in my life. Am I wrong to want better for him and for my family? Unless I go on a tangit, he tries harder for a week or two and then falls back into his habits. Most of all it's been especially hard for me to focus on my business full-time because I'm expected to do everything, like clean the majority the house and be in charge of the kids as well as several pets. I love our home because I've made it home by decorating and working on the yard to make it where it feels like a cozy place for us, and very into decor and my business requires me to be on my computer for several hours a day outside of meetings with clients. I'm tired also but at the same time I'm getting excited for a new career...

I fear he is just wanting to be comfortable. He won't go to the doctors for a physical and it hurts me he doesn't care about himself. Today he took the day off to "help" as he didn't do much all weekend besides go to soccer games with me, well he went to bed 3 hours before me, was up at 10 and walks around like he is 80... I've cleaned our chicken run, collected eggs and finished post and pans he promised to do so I could rest last night..then worked out, took my daily supplements and showers..then made breakfast for our kids who are homeschooled by me. After he got up I decided to get out of the house because I didn't want to argue or have the kids hear us. 

Am I wrong to feel burnt out on my marriage?? I've asked for therapy and counseling with him and he finds every excuse not to. I almost left 2 years ago, yet my heart breaks when I think of our daughters world flipping upside down. I know I'm capable of loving harder, I love to camp, fish and travel and he never seems interested but will go if I plan. I camped 3 times last summer without him. We have some good memories but most of them I have to be the pusher and idea thinker and it feels as if I will always be waiting. I don't want to miss out on a life where I feel appreciated, understood and inspired. I don't want to hurt him, he has such low self esteem and blames me for it..I just want to be happy and imagine he could be too. If he is willing to improve himself for himself I'll stay.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

That is one heck of a wall of words. It is kind of hard to follow. As best as I can tell you sound like you are miserable, your husband is gone the majority of the time, albeit for work, and he is hiding things from you. Might be time to move on.


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## Emj (Jun 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is one heck of a wall of words. It is kind of hard to follow. As best as I can tell you sound like you are miserable, your husband is gone the majority of the time, albeit for work, and he is hiding things from you. Might be time to move on.


He just doesn't want to try anymore. He won't pack a lunch for work. I used to for hum but it was unappreciated. He also has been hiding an almost 1500 electrical bill from me. This happened last year and the electric company came to turn it off while I was working from home and had a client here. Luckily I had the money then. I've been unemployed most of this last year due to the pandemic and pay what I can yet after he conceived me to trust him on. Y taxes, I now owe 10k in backed sales tax, luckily not federal. Was my fault for trusting his reasoning. I'm so fed up.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Emj said:


> He just doesn't want to try anymore. He won't pack a lunch for work. I used to for hum but it was unappreciated. He also has been hiding an almost 1500 electrical bill from me. This happened last year and the electric company came to turn it off while I was working from home and had a client here. Luckily I had the money then. I've been unemployed most of this last year due to the pandemic and pay what I can yet after he conceived me to trust him on. Y taxes, I now owe 10k in backed sales tax, luckily not federal. Was my fault for trusting his reasoning. I'm so fed up.


You sound like you are overwhelmed and unhappy and it doesn't look like your husband is responsible or wants to put in the work to improve. He didn't do anything to improve himself so nothing in his behavior indicates that he is willing to improve. You can't force people to improve themselves. On top of this he sounds financially irresponsible and he is not being transparent with you. 
You sound driven, dedicated to your daughter, and hardworking. You'll be much better off and happier without him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Emj See a tax accountant and tax lawyer, plus a divorce lawyer.


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