# Getting Her to Open Up to Me



## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

Quick about me:
Recently turned 26
Posted here a few? years ago about boyfriend at the time.. broke up with him (long story)


My post:
I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now, things are pretty great.. she can be a bit condescending at times but we're working on that and things are improving. I'm sure she has her 'doesn't like' things about me as well. 

This is my first lesbian relationship, and my first relationship (out of 2 other long term relationships) where I've been really concerned about her sexual pleasure/satisfaction. Not that I didn't care about my ex-boyfriends pleasure, but it was much easier to please them.. (generally, all I needed to do was lay down, moan and squirm a bit). With my girlfriend, who's always been lesbian, I feel like I don't measure up or provide her with enough satisfaction. 

When she gives me oral sex, it's AMAZING. Starry-eyed, leg shaking, can't catch my breath amazing. 

When I'm the giver on the other hand, she seems satisfied and she orgasms, but it seems like it's just ok. And I just feel so frustrated that I can't give her the feeling that she gives me. 

I've asked her if there's anything she'd like me to do, or try, toys, anything.. but she says she's happy. It's just so hard for me to believe because her orgasm/reaction is so meh. She's more masculine-presenting than I am, and I wonder if she feels like asking for toys or fingers or whatever is too 'feminine'. 

I just want her to have the mind blowing experience that I have, how do I get her to open up?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Almost,

Was the sex better at the beginning of your relationship, sometimes it's called audition sex. I think this is common for sexual intensity to die off no matter what orientation a person is, usually one person stays more infatuated than the other. There's even a specific term for it LBD or lesbian bed death.

Her giving you pleasure may be a way for her to be in control of the relationship, she may have been burned in the past by lovers who cheated or abandoned her and she doesn't trust anyone now to completely have her heart.

Tamat


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Because of the title, I am mum.
I cannot open up.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As long as you have made her feel comfortable asking for anything she wants, then that is all you can do. She may be happy - not all women have "dramatic" orgasms - its quite possible that she really is enjoying it.

Is she happy to have sex as often as you want?




almost said:


> snip
> I've asked her if there's anything she'd like me to do, or try, toys, anything.. but she says she's happy.
> snip


----------



## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

uhtred said:


> As long as you have made her feel comfortable asking for anything she wants, then that is all you can do. She may be happy - not all women have "dramatic" orgasms - its quite possible that she really is enjoying it.
> 
> Is she happy to have sex as often as you want?


I don't need her orgasm to be dramatic, though that would be nice admittedly, I just need to know that she's really enjoying it and me. I don't have the best technique in the world probably, and I would just love feedback from her to make it incredible. 

She is willing to have sex as often as I like, although sometimes she's not up for it for herself and will just do things for me. We average probably 2/3 times a week.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@almost How sexually adventurous is she? Is she interested in kink at all?

I have some ideas for you, some things you could try... she may not be giving you explicit instruction because she doesn't know how to ask for it. I've experienced this... I know what I like, when my partner is doing it, but I can't describe it later because I don't know exactly what he was doing at that moment in time, because, well, I'm simply caught up in the sensation.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

almost said:


> Quick about me:
> Recently turned 26
> Posted here a few? years ago about boyfriend at the time.. broke up with him (long story)
> 
> ...


I haven't read any of the other responses yet.

It's possible that she IS happy, and this is how she enjoys sex, plain and simple. Expecting a different reaction than what you're getting doesn't mean your partner isn't happy, or is underwhelmed, or anything complex like that. Everybody's different, especially when it comes to sex and how they enjoy it.

All you can do is be you, and do your thing. In any sexual relationship, you are responsible for your OWN enjoyment. If your partner can't or won't communicate to you what they like - that's on them.

As an example, it took my wife YEARS to tell me about how she likes oral sex. She was still orgasming from it, so I never saw any issue with my technique - until she told me (too sloppy, btw! lol). I didn't take it personally AT ALL, and I straight up asked her why didn't she say something before. So that was on her, 100%. And believe me, I ask, just like you do.

To be completely fair - I did the exact same thing to her... and I have no idea why, either! Same subject - oral sex. Her technique 'worked', but it wasn't my preference. Oh, irony...!

So, don't sweat it. It's up to your partner to communicate what they want or don't want, like or don't like. Until she speaks up, all you can do is what you currently do.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

almost said:


> When I'm the giver on the other hand, she seems satisfied and she orgasms, but it seems like it's just ok. And I just feel so frustrated that I can't give her the feeling that she gives me.


 @almost while I can not comment on the dynamics of a lesbian relationship, as a man I have been with a enough women to understand a few things in this regard. Everyone experiences orgasms differently, and to some people other parts of lovemaking are much more exciting and important to them than an orgasm. 

Many times it boils down to validation. What aspect of lovemaking is validating will be different for each person. Some people are validated by being in a relationship with a desirable partner. Other people are validated by simply knowing their partner desires them. Some like to please. Some like to be pleased. Some like to be in control. Some like to give up control. 

While it can be frustrating not to share the same experience, try instead to appreciate that your partner may enjoy lovemaking for different reasons. That may open you up to enjoying something she equally wants to share with you...

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

almost said:


> Quick about me:
> Recently turned 26
> .... broke up with him (long story)
> 
> ...


Just relating as a person in a couple, I will defer to someone with lesbian experience.

However, if your partner is satisfied then the issue is really in your head. Let me explain, you are likely setting yourself up for performance anxiety issues. If you expect yourself to constantly or even much of the time provide her with mind blowing sexual experiences, you are really pressuring yourself.

The Sex Therapist that helped save my marriage told us that sex should be fun and playful, it should be like recess with your best friend. Great sex is not about mind blowing orgasms, it is about emotional bonding and feeling open to your partner.

May I suggest that you do some reading on "after care." This is what happens after you and/or your partner have had sex and hopefully had an orgasm. It is when your brain is flooded with Oxytocin and a variety of feel-good sex hormones that promote bonding. It is when you hold each other, stroke each others hair or bodies and lovingly kiss and cuddle. 

If you focus on after care, your partner will emotionally bond to you and feel that the sexual relationship is mind blowing. 

Good luck and enjoy.


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

You're saying you want her to be more open, but open to what? Open to YOUR idea of what she should be feeling? And what if she were open to that? Would that make her feel differently? You know, there's nothing in what you say that makes it seem she's closed to anything. She says she's happy with you. She gets off. She likes it. So what if she's not chewing holes in the pillows? I honestly don't think you really have a problem. Except maybe feeling inadequate because you think she should be scaring the neighbors and setting dogs barking for three blocks around, and you feel like it's because you're not doing it well. Don't rob her of her happiness by making her feel like she has to perform for you. And unless you have real reason to think she'd lying to you (in which case you have bigger problems than orgasm volume), take her at her word. 

And I find it interesting that, while you say she's the more masculine presenting one, you're complaint sounds an awful lot like a lot of men who worry that they're inadequate because they aren't giving their female partners porn star orgasms. They could almost adopt your text. You hear things like, "She says she likes it and says it's good for her, but she's not screaming and acting like she having a seizure, so what am I doing wrong?" Nothing. They're doing nothing wrong. 

It's kind of like the stupid joke about the guy with the small penis who, when asked by a girl who he thinks he's going to satisfy with that, says, "Me." Guess what? Your partner's orgasms satisfy her, and in this silly world, that's about a good as it gets.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

So, in essence, you are asking her not to treat you like you treated your ex BF? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Hi, Almost...
I too am involved with a butch girl. And like you (I suspect), I'm a little more apt to let go in the moment, not hold back sounds, looks, etc. I experience similar seeming lack of "letting go" with my girl, and in the beginning, I quizzed her, as you did. She responded the same as your gf did, she's fine, it's great, etc. I'm taking her at her word. 

Our connection is so hot, and we are so experienced (both in our fifties), there's no reason for her to be untruthful. It might be a butch thing, as my gf seems to need to maintain a certain modicum of control in that area...whatever it is, I hope you can just let go and take her at her word and enjoy.


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Oh, and put hostile people on ignore. That's my other piece of advice, LOL.


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @almost while I can not comment on the dynamics of a lesbian relationship, as a man I have been with a enough women to understand a few things in this regard. Everyone experiences orgasms differently, and to some people other parts of lovemaking are much more exciting and important to them than an orgasm.
> 
> Many times it boils down to validation. What aspect of lovemaking is validating will be different for each person. Some people are validated by being in a relationship with a desirable partner. Other people are validated by simply knowing their partner desires them. Some like to please. Some like to be pleased. Some like to be in control. Some like to give up control.
> 
> ...


Well said.


----------

