# need advice help



## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

Hi I'm Stephanie . I been married for five years to to my narcissistic husband. In the beginning he was everything I could imagine and to make long story short over time the trust has been taken. We've had issues with his drinking never making plans his mood anger intimacy. This is his second marriage and well we are in the exact same issue he was in first time exactly it's scary. It's like he's repeating same thing with us. I've forgiven him so many times. I finally walked out when I discovered him having online dating sites sent pictures Asian porn galore. Even talking to ex's even the girl he cheated on me with years ago. We have two kids. I feel shattered.he's in Afghanistan right now and I'm at my mother's. I'm.confused I gave him endless sex love attention and now I feel insecure worthless. He blames my negativity nagging *****ing to. And when confronted he doesn't explain why.. doesn't answer my questions why when I want how when why all.he.does is tell other people how he feels why . But avoids talking to Me about the situation. He acts like a child. He tells me the lamest reasons. I told him not to get on the coy to watch porn because our son goes on it and did I find more. When confronted he says he wanted me to find it...but the day before we were getting everything ready due future. He's mean acts like I never existed .won't explain to me anything didn't bring up how he wants fix marriage but says he won't give me a divorce and lives me. But I'm telling you he goes off on me for his wrong doing s. Curses all that. I expected something different. Am I stupud for wanting all this to go away and want my family back. I put my foot down. I'm done I may have low self esteem but I know my worth. I'm just torn because my kids and everything we had. And all he does is make me feel like it's my fault .avoid talking about it by skipping around and saying how good we had it and this that. I feel like I married a stranger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do not need for him to give you a divorce. The way it works is that you file for divorce. The two of you negotiate the settlement. Then the judge gives you the divorce with or without his agreement.

You will need an attorney with military divorce experience.

You will never get a satisfactory response from him. He is who he is. What you see is what you get with him. Stop communicating with him except for about the children. Do all contact about the children via email.

Start putting up a wall around yourself to protect yourself. From now on interact with him according to the 180 (see link below).

And please, slow down when typing. Use sentences, paragraphs and punctuation correction. Your post is hard to read and understand. I know you are upset… but if you want help people need to be able to read your posts. You can edit your post above easily.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am assuming he is military? My husband was AF for 27 years. I can tell you I have seen alot inside the military world.....drinking and the animal desire for girls is very rampant. 

Your husband is very selfish and thinking only of what he wants for himself and what will please him. He is not thinking of the impact any of his actions will have on you or the children. 

Husband and I have been married 21 years, both second marriage for each of us and he too has repeated exactly what he did in his first marriage. I have sought alot of counseling for myself and for us as a couple and while there has been some progress my feelings for him are so distant because of the hurt I have received. My husband still drink s heavy and has retired military friends who also do the same so he sees himself as just a normal guy. Last two weekends he has gotten totally smashed while out with friends. I finally drew a line and told him I would not longer be his designated driver, I would no longer cover for him when he's drinking and take care of whatever needed tending to, he would have to make his calls or whatever it is himself. My husband is 53.....do you want to live a life like this? It is no life for you, it is no life for your children. If he has no desire to stop his behavior there is nothing you can do but save yourself and file for divorce.


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## mamifelger30 (Sep 16, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I am assuming he is military? My husband was AF for 27 years. I can tell you I have seen alot inside the military world.....drinking and the animal desire for girls is very rampant.
> 
> Your husband is very selfish and thinking only of what he wants for himself and what will please him. He is not thinking of the impact any of his actions will have on you or the children.
> 
> ...


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## HazelBeauty1385 (Sep 17, 2013)

I know how you are feeling because I'm in a similar boat. My husband is military as well and is currently away from home. But once we got married things started to slowly go down hill. I thought thing would get better or at least stay the same but we do not talk as much and although he is not abusive with his words he still finds a way to turn everything around on me. Within the last year I have caught him talking to other women and lying about what he is doing and where he is going. It is hard to believe that the man I thought that told me everything and was my best friend was now sitting here on video chat lying to my face and getting "friendly" with other women. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that he will change but I have heard "I'll make it work" or "I'll change I promise" so many times in the last year I just don't believe it anymore. I have no clue what to do because he is expecting me to go with him to his next base but I have a really strong gut feeling I'll be making a huge mistake if I up and leave everything behind to follow him again....

I hope you can figure something out but I would definitely start being a little selfish and find out what you want and what you are not willing to deal with anymore. Once you figure it out let me know and if that doesn't change him or his way of thinking I would say pack up yourself and kids and be on your way.

Good luck to you


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

mamifelger30 said:


> Am I being selfish not thinking of our kids house....? I know what bi deserve why is it so hard choosing. I'm a attractive Latina I do everything and seems like not enough_Posted via Mobile Device_


Your husband's issues are not about you at all. It is not about what you did or did not do for him. His issues are about him, what is inside him, his thoughts processes and the way he sees life. You are not being selfish. Your hurts and anger are telling you something is not right and you are exactly correct. What he is doing is selfish and he might not be able to see it as I am afraid male hormones really do have a great deal of control. You have to realize too that men and women are wired differently as well. We are the ones thinking of other people's feelings, wee are the care givers, we are the one with the emotions. men thinking in folders like opening computer files, a more logical brain. We tend to give and consider our what effects our actions will have on others, I am not so sure men are capable of this. They tend to be self centered thinkers.

As moms we want what is best for our children and no matter what you decide I know you will do your best to see your children are cared for. The thing is your husband has to stop his activity, the porn and the other women cannot exist or you will continue to be hurt and for reason. If he cannot honestly give these up, you have a choice and you do not have to continue to live this way if you choose, it is your choice.

he might challenge you, beg you, tried to be loving it, fight it, make ultimatums but bottom line is HE is the one that has to stop this activity.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

HazelBeauty1385 said:


> I know how you are feeling because I'm in a similar boat. My husband is military as well and is currently away from home. But once we got married things started to slowly go down hill. I thought thing would get better or at least stay the same but we do not talk as much and although he is not abusive with his words he still finds a way to turn everything around on me. Within the last year I have caught him talking to other women and lying about what he is doing and where he is going. It is hard to believe that the man I thought that told me everything and was my best friend was now sitting here on video chat lying to my face and getting "friendly" with other women. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that he will change but I have heard "I'll make it work" or "I'll change I promise" so many times in the last year I just don't believe it anymore. I have no clue what to do because he is expecting me to go with him to his next base but I have a really strong gut feeling I'll be making a huge mistake if I up and leave everything behind to follow him again....


It is so sad that men allow their hormones to rule heir lives. My husband was not only a porn addict but he too was seeking women thru chats. I caught him in the act of chatting with some woman, I got on the computer myself and let the woman know I was his wife. Husband was sitting right there....his heart was beating so hard I could hear it. I "think" that was the end of the chats.

He also had these infatuations he'd get with women at work. You could tell....he would be going to lunch with her, buying her chocolates, spending time in her office joking and laughing. he claimed it was all innocent so I asked him if he ever thought of having sex with any f them. His reply, "of course, I am a man." I told him that it is his choice to let his thoughts go that far and mean time he has a wife will and waiting at home but he prefers the flirt. 

This past Christmas one of those "flirt" ladies came back to town and just so happen to go to the same Christmas party we were attending, husband claimed he did not know. She walks in and they hug and chat for about 10 minutes. I was immediately sick. After all we had been thru my husband had the nerve to take me to this party (he later admitted he knew she was in town and might be attending) and then chatted this girl up like an old friend. When we got home I exploded like never before in my life. For me this was the final blow. There was no consideration from him for what I would feel like to see this woman again.

I took it and took it and took it for years but I will not anymore. You don't want to walk down this road. No lady deserves to have scum scape their dirty feet off on their backs.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Ladies, I just wanted to add (guess I am on a roll!)....my first husband asked me to wait for him until his affair as over. Can you believe? Had I been the one having the affair he would have never considered waiting for me yet in his male mind he thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask me to do so.

When my second husband left his first wife she was going out with girlfriends to clubs.....husband would go out with the guys after work and not even call but yet when she started going to the clubs he didn't like it and became suspicious. He started listening in on conversations, reading her diary, picking up the phone when she would get a call. He never saw her with anyone but yet he concluded she was having an affair and divorced her. I think he was resentful because she was going out with the girls and he could not see it as the same as him being out with the guys. I later asked her if she was having an affair and she said she was not. But you see I think it is hard for men to put themselves in another person's shoes. They don't want you to be unfaithful but it is okay for them to have affairs, lady friends and chats? I don't think so!


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