# Contacted by OM or ...



## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

I need some help! I cheated on my boyfriend in January 2011. We had been together for 5 years. D day for boyfriend, by contact from OMW, was in August 2011. I confessed and trickle truthed for about 2 weeks. I have serious painful remorse. I will never ever cheat again. Did counseling, worked out a bunch of personal issues. We are doing extremely great with reconciliation. On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair. I have complete disclosure and there is nothing I am afraid to share with my Boyfriend.... until last night at 6pm. I received an email through my WORK Directory "send an email feature" that INFURIATES me!! Details:
From an email I have never seed and a tag "a Friend" (my ass) 
Subject "Hello" (wtf) 
Message (copy/paste): "I know it have been a very long time,and I do not want to disrupt your life any more that I did in the past. i just wanted to check on you and hope you are well. I am sorry for any pain and disruption I may have caused or those connected to me may have caused." 

AHRGGGGGGHHHHH! I hate that I had an affair! Here is my problem I need help with. During the the first few months of reconciliation my boyfriend told me "you better tell me if he ever contacts you again." I am so mad I am bawling. This email pisses me off to no end because we are doing so great and by telling my boyfriend about this email it will open old wounds for him. I am not naive in thinking that he has forgotten or that the memory doesn't creep into his mind at times. The shame and sorrow creeps into mine. I want to delete the email and never tell but I feel there is issue in that and feel sneaky even thinking about it. I think of all the what if scenarios. 
What if: it's my boyfriend sending it just checking to see if I am remaining true to our pact? 
What if: it's the OMW is sending it? She played a few mind games with my boyfriend during her contact with him. I know because he let me read everything that was communicated to him, even the 5 page letter from her H and his deception in explaining his 5 affairs. After I read most of them I felt sorry for her and him because there were many things that I knew he was still lying to her about. I understood the desperation and needs she had and I also know that she is capable of this. She set up voice activated recorders on her H, she contacted his employer, there were all kinds of things she did to get to the bottom of their problem. She has every right to be angry with me and hate me for the rest of her life. My fear is that if I delete and don't say anything. She will contact my boyfriend to let him know "her H" contacted me. 

If it is the OM I could care less. I have no feelings toward him or a need to respond for his behalf or anything of the sort. 

My only concern is that I do the right thing with this email. 

I _THINK _the right thing is to let my boyfriend know but I worry that he didn't really want to know if the OM made contact but rather that I make contact back. My boyfriend said a lot of things at different stages and a lot of things he took back before I reacted, then on some things when I reacted or did what he originally asked, he got angry about me doing what he asked, admitted that he had asked it but let me know he changed his mind. So I am worried that this is one of those things.

Please help!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Show him the e-mail. This way, he can know that you are working to rebuild his trust in you. 

Actually, the who or why of the e-mail is irrelevant. For all you know, your BF may have sent the e-mail to you as a test. Or it may be the OM fishing to see if he can get the affair started up again. But the bottom line is trust. If you vow to be transparent, then do it. It's as simple as that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yes tell him immediately

I know you fear it will hurt him further and dredge up old feelings again and while in the short term this may be true to an extent, in the long run it helps him heal knowing that you are vigilant in adhering to good boundaries and want demonstrate transparency and express how you want NC

in fact I suggest you ask him if hewould like you to reply with a NC letter if it hasn't been done already. There is a template in the newbie link in my signature.


also- imagine if he found out about the email and you didn't tell him. That is BY FAR more damaging than telling him would ever be.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell him immediately. He might be mad but hewill be grateful you told him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

You absolutely must tell him. Most likely you will end up telling him in the future he will wonder why you didn't tell him right away creating further trust issues.

the response to the email needs to be a NC letter. 


Please go tell him now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- this is what we call "fishing"

your OM is sending out a seemingly innocent email to you in the hope it will start up the relationship again


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Totally agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

You made your BF a promise. Now make good that promise and let him see how angry you are that the other party has sent you a mail when you clearly feel that you have left that event in your life way behind, that you feel like the other person is trying to stir up a situation that you dont want and have no will or reason to go there ever again. Let him see it and let him see you respond with a curt rebuke telling the other party to drop dead (or words that fit the feelings you have about this). Then let him see you block this contatc from your account. Be open and transparent. If your BF did send it then thats not right but I understand if hes testing the resolve of your word not to communicate and to report any attempt to speak with you. If its the other parties partner than they will see your not in the business of wanting anything more to do with them.

The main thing here is that your BF feels confident that you were open and that the trust hes building is bring done so on an honest open relationship. He may get upset that someone he naturally hates appears to be tempting you away. Thats going to be natural and yyou have to accept and understand that reaction. Its about how he percieves your reaction to the mail and the fact that you are, as it appears here really pi$$ed the OM is trying to open communication. DONT WAIT, act immeadiatley so that your BF sees your clearly upfront and open.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Show him the e-mail. This way, he can know that you are working to rebuild his trust in you.
> 
> Actually, the who or why of the e-mail is irrelevant. For all you know, your BF may have sent the e-mail to you as a test. Or it may be the OM fishing to see if he can get the affair started up again. But the bottom line is trust. If you vow to be transparent, then do it. It's as simple as that.


:iagree:

Sums it up perfectly.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't get the problem, you say you want to be transparent, your bf has said he wants you to be transparent, so be transparent. This is an opportunity to rebuild trust, so why even hesitate (unless you are ail hiding other truths).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> I need some help! I cheated on my boyfriend in January 2011. We had been together for 5 years. D day for boyfriend, by contact from OMW, was in August 2011. I confessed and trickle truthed for about 2 weeks. I have serious painful remorse. I will never ever cheat again. Did counseling, worked out a bunch of personal issues. We are doing extremely great with reconciliation. On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair. I have complete disclosure and there is nothing I am afraid to share with my Boyfriend.... until last night at 6pm. I received an email through my WORK Directory "send an email feature" that INFURIATES me!! Details:
> From an email I have never seed and a tag "a Friend" (my ass)
> Subject "Hello" (wtf)
> Message (copy/paste): "I know it have been a very long time,and I do not want to disrupt your life any more that I did in the past. i just wanted to check on you and hope you are well. I am sorry for any pain and disruption I may have caused or those connected to me may have caused."
> ...


Although it might be hard to tell him because you dont want to pour salt in the wound you have to tell him. Do not reply to the email. Tell him you receieved it, you are not replying and you wanted to show it to him. Let him see it, dont just tell him! If he wants you to reply, then reply, if not delete it and move on. If you dont tell him and he finds out later its going to be far worse then you telling him!! 

Good luck!!


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## mrmark (Dec 4, 2012)

Yes, please tell him. If I were him, I know I'd want to know -- and know straight from your own words and actions. Definitely not second-hand.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tell him. As AR said, this is fishing. It doesn't matter who sent it, really. What matters is keeping things open and honest with your BF.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

nevergoback said:


> I _THINK _the right thing is to let my boyfriend know but I worry that he didn't really want to know if the OM made contact but rather that I make contact back. My boyfriend said a lot of things at different stages and a lot of things he took back before I reacted, then on some things when I reacted or did what he originally asked, he got angry about me doing what he asked, admitted that he had asked it but let me know he changed his mind. So I am worried that this is one of those things.
> 
> Please help!


A good analogy is that this is like physical therapy. You have a leg that has been damaged. After doing the work to repair it, you have to take the time and go through the steps to strengthen it and continue the repair. Yeah, it hurts at the time, but the long term benefits make it worth it.

This is one of those times. Tell him.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

He asked me this morning if I was ok because he said I looked anguished and asked me if there was something He should apologize for.. I assured him that it was nothing He did.. but I was ok. 

Thank you all... I just called and let him know I was "not ok" and told him I hated this but I had an email to forward to him. He said ok. I sent it. He called me back and said, is that all? I said yes. He said delete it, don't respond. I did. 

Thank you all very much for your input. I truly feel Incredibly better. I know that was the right thing to do I just needed a little push over the fear. Thank you Thank you Thank you!


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair.


How did he know your email address? 
Are you using your old email address? if yes, why don't you change your email address,
or block the OM's emails?


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

A++ said:


> How did he know your email address?
> Are you using your old email address? if yes, why don't you change your email address,
> or block the OM's emails?


The only contact information I have from that time frame is my job info. Where I work (over 10,000 employees) there is a public directory. I have a fairly prominent position and my name is listed in there for anyone to find internal and external. When you look up my name.. it brings up my business information and there is a link under that. It says: Send (me) an email? When the link is clicked it opens an online form and clicking submit sends an automated email through my Work Server. It is actually how the OMW contacted my boyfriend because we both work at the same place. 

My boyfriend has every password and is the actual owner of our shared account email. 
He even has the password to my work computer which I often take home and leave open or just lying around in case he would like to look through it. I promise, there is complete disclosure of everything possible.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> He asked me this morning if I was ok because he said I looked anguished and asked me if there was something He should apologize for.. I assured him that it was nothing He did.. but I was ok.
> 
> Thank you all... I just called and let him know I was "not ok" and told him I hated this but I had an email to forward to him. He said ok. I sent it. He called me back and said, is that all? I said yes. He said delete it, don't respond. I did.
> 
> Thank you all very much for your input. I truly feel Incredibly better. I know that was the right thing to do I just needed a little push over the fear. Thank you Thank you Thank you!


I had something similar. I got contacted by the OW. My feeling was of dread and anxiety. I hated feeling that way.

I told my wife that second (she was in the room). She was pretty cool with it. She's a saint in some ways. (not all  )


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

now I suggest you be proactive and demonstrate your remorse tonight when you are together again. Do something nice for him if he wants it.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Discovering secrets and the lies told to keep them (including lies of omission when the right thing is to expose) is almost always worse than the event or thing being kept secret. 

I think the correct path is very, very clear in this case. Good job!


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

You did the right thing. 
I was nervous that this was another one of those threads where the person comes here hoping to hear what they want to hear and gets angry when they get told to do the right thing versus the hard thing.

You did awesome!


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Way to go NGB!!

As a betrayed spouse I am actually jealous that your husband got to experience this! My wife had a 4 month long EA/PA and we have been working hard on reconciling since DDay a little over a year ago. 

We are in a pretty good place these days, she has been working her a$$ off on us. She has done all i have asked and more since then.

Her POSOM was married and I exposed to his wife, in addition to calling him and calmly explaining what I would do to him should he EVER contact my wife again (she had sent a NC text already, I was just ensuring he understand my rather passionate position on it as well). 

Apparently the disruption to his marriage, my wife's NC text and a clear understanding of consequences for attempting contact were all effective. He has never once reached out to my wife, which I know is a good thing. 

But I struggled with this for months, secretly hoping he might try and she would come running to me to tell me and show her anger at him and empathy for me. In some ways, it would almost have been comforting. Would have showed me how hard she is working for transparency, how aggressively she is defending her boundaries, how committed to us she is and how done with the POSOM she was. 

And guess what, you just did EXACTLY that for your BF!!! :smthumbup:


So take a minute, and relish in the fact that you took a huge step forward today. And show your BF how angry it made you, and how you hated it because it reminded you of what you had done to your BF. He will love hearing all of this. 

This was actually a huge opportunity disguised as a problem, and you handled it perfectly. Way to go sister!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

:smthumbup:

Good job being honest. Sounds like he is very understanding. I wish you both the best!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Telling your bf was the right thing, but there is unfinished business. You and your bf need to also send the fishing email to the OMW and let her know scumbag is fishing and if she in R with him, it's a false R.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Telling your bf was the right thing, but there is unfinished business. You and your bf need to also send the fishing email to the OMW and let her know scumbag is fishing and if she in R with him, it's a false R.


And also craft, WITH YOUR BF, a NC email to the OM (after you notify his SO) and in the NC email notify him that you've let his SO know.

Your BF will appreciate that move because it shows you don't give a rats behind about the OM.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You haven't told your BF the entire truth have you? The only reason I can see you stressing about letting your bf know is because of that reason.

Maybe I'm wrong but I was in your shoes and that's why I probably would have had 2nd thoughts about telling my wife if the OW contacted me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Great job!
Next time don't hesitate for a split secont. Truth is always right, secrets are always wrong. Always. Secrets are the very slipery slope.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

My apprehension comes purely from knowing that I did something very horrible and hating that I did it. I do everything in my power to prevent any triggers for my boyfriend and myself. I gave every specific detail as my boyfriend asked. The entire story is out. At this point in our relationship, I don't call the shots about what he wants to do. If he chooses to send something to the OMW that is up to him. He likes to move on from drama and I know this very well. Tonight we will most likely not even talk about this, his emotions run deep but he does not wear them on his sleeve.

I simply needed the push to get over the fear of refacing the sadness I have about committing an affair. 

Again .. Thank you all very much for the support.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you don't send it to the OMW he will try again later.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

2asdf2 said:


> OP needs to stop second guessing what is good for her husband (where have we heard that before) and live up to her agreement with her husband.
> 
> It baffles me that she had to ask!





2asdf2 said:


> That is the whole usual rationale for trickle-truth and denial.
> 
> We all know the results of that!


Baffles me that you didnt read enough of the thread to realize it's her BF not her husband. Apparently, you read plenty to jump up on the soapbox and attack her and 'the mob'. 

She's human. She got scared, thats normal. 

She wanted to talk about it and needed an ear. She got it, and did the right thing. That's far from 'normal' for a reformed cheater. Kinda renews my faith and hope for people. 

She deserves a pat on the back, not guns blazing or snarky comments after a 2 second 'skim'.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Baffles me that you didnt read enough of the thread to realize it's her BF not her husband. Apparently, you read plenty to jump up on the soapbox and attack her and 'the mob'.
> 
> She's human. She got scared, thats normal.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Baffles me that you didnt read enough of the thread to realize it's her BF not her husband. Apparently, you read plenty to jump up on the soapbox and attack her and 'the mob'.
> 
> She's human. She got scared, thats normal.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^^ agree!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

2asdf2 said:


> After all the talk in other threads about mob mentalities on TAM, it amazes me to see how many people assert that the OM is fishing.
> 
> We don't know what it is.
> 
> ...


Of course he's fishing! Why else would he be contacting her?
Her concerns were real and she came for advice. If that baffles you then don't respond. 
She did the right thing in all respects!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you don't send it to the OMW he will try again later.


Yes telling your BF about the Om breaking NC was the half right thing to do.

Half right?

Yes, half right. As Shaggy said expose the OM breaking NC to the OMW and that you and your BF want total NC from the OM.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

*Update on : Contacted by OM or ...*

Update here. So the ones who said the OM would contact again, you were correct. My BF and I have been great since. After I let him know about the attempted contact by the OM, I actually could feel the love and trust strengthen a little more simply because I told him about the email. 
This weekend while we were on vacation, the OM had emailed again through my work online email submission form. I hadn't checked my email until this morning. Without hesitation, although with a lot of personally directed anger at myself, I called my BF and let him know there was another email I needed to send him and I told him I was really sorry and wished that it would stop. 

This email was definitely fishing. I get so irritated at myself. This is all my fault and if I hadn't committed an affair my BF wouldn't have to deal with this again. It hurts so much to constantly feel like I keep pricking him with this so deeply buried knife.

Here is what the email said from the OM. 
"I am just writing to say I am sorry again. I tried writing before from a different email and it was stupid, me trying to be covert and there is no reason for me to be covert or secretive anymore.
I am sorry if this is inappropriate, bothering you, or creates an issue for you in any way. I was sincerely just writing to apologize for how my actions in the past turned your world upside down. I will not bother you again or reach out again, unless future communication is initiated by you. I hope all is well in your life as you enter the new year 2013."​
I drafted an email to send to the OM and am going to ask my BF if he would be comfortable with me sending it so it will hopefully put an end to the contact. 

Here is what I would like to send: 
Please do not make contact with me anymore. I am remorseful and shameful for my actions. I made a very poor choice to have an affair. Contact from you is not welcome and not appropriate. 

I feel like direct and to the point is the way to go but I would like some input from the BS's on this as to what would make them feel better to see in a No Contact letter.

p.s. I contacted the IT Dept to see if this feature can be disabled for my email address. I am waiting for a response from them.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

*Re: Update on : Contacted by OM or ...*



nevergoback said:


> Here is what I would like to send:
> Please do not make contact with me anymore. I am remorseful and shameful for my actions. I made a very poor choice to have an affair. Contact from you is not welcome and not appropriate.


I say send it and copy the OMW and your BF, that way the OMW knows her POSWH is still up to no good and the OM will know you are serious about the NC.

You did the right thing in telling your BF, my WH received an email (also via his work email) from the OW after he sent the NC letter & he immediately showed it to me. It definitely helped me knowing that he was being transparent.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd simply ignore it. Again.

If a NC leter should be sent (at BFF's request) it would be short and to the point:
What part of NC you don't understand? Leave me the f0ck alone.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Keep ignoring! Do not reply. It will only spur him to reply and then he will know you are receiving and reading and he will know he can keep fishing.

The only response I would consider is a certified letter from your attorney but that is not called for yet. Just keep ignoring for the time being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yep, no response from you is necessary at all, the om knows exactly what you meant by nc, he even acknowledges it right there in the email. He is fishing for ANY response from you because it would mean he has your attention.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

*Re: Update on : Contacted by OM or ...*



nevergoback said:


> Update here. So the ones who said the OM would contact again, you were correct. My BF and I have been great since. After I let him know about the attempted contact by the OM, I actually could feel the love and trust strengthen a little more simply because I told him about the email.
> This weekend while we were on vacation, the OM had emailed again through my work online email submission form. I hadn't checked my email until this morning. Without hesitation, although with a lot of personally directed anger at myself, I called my BF and let him know there was another email I needed to send him and I told him I was really sorry and wished that it would stop.
> 
> This email was definitely fishing. I get so irritated at myself. This is all my fault and if I hadn't committed an affair my BF wouldn't have to deal with this again. It hurts so much to constantly feel like I keep pricking him with this so deeply buried knife.
> ...


Dear nevergoback,

A few suggestions:

First, I agree with those who counsel that you simply ignore the OM's e-mails. However, if you want to try to stop his contacting you, definitely talk to your BF before sending anything to the OM. I would phrase your question as follows: "I really want nothing more to do with him but, if you want me to, I will send him a NC letter." If your BF says, yes, ask him if he wants to write it or for you to write it and show it to him.

Second, you could strengthen your NC letter, if your BF wants you to send it, by adding a line to the effect that, if the OM tries to contact you again, you will consider it harassment and act accordingly.

Third, ask your IT department if they can block any emails from the OM. This may be simpler than disabling your work e-mail functionality.

Good luck.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Despite doing the right thing after being urged by members here, I am troubled by the need to after the plain, unequivocal instructions from the boyfriend:



> my boyfriend told me "you better tell me if he ever contacts you again."


There isn't any question what to do after the first email and after the second.

Which is better? To come to the husband and say "I went to TAM and everyone said I should tell you, and you were badgering me about what was wrong. So I told you" or to say "You told me to tell you if he wrote again so I immediately forwarded the email"?

This is not full recovery. Full recovery is doing what the husband wanted as a first reaction. It is also not 100% truth-telling to conceal from the husband that hearing the urging from other people was integral to telling him. I'm sure he wants the reaction to be doing what he wants regardless of what anyone else says. Immediately. 

It certainly raises the issue of what would have been done if a significant fraction of people here had said "don't tell him". With this second email, same thing: tell the husband immediately and ask him what to do, and ask him what he thinks about responding, or running a draft of the response by the people here.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Tell your boyfriend. 
Ignore the email. 
Block his email address.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

I have already blocked both the emails. I asked my BF last night if there was anything he would like me to do to try and remedy this. He let me know that I have done the right thing by telling him and he said he is glad to know and even more glad that I did not take it upon myself to try and contact him. He said there is not a need to respond in anyway. 

Since I broke off the affair, I have made no contact and did not plan on doing so for any reason. I understand that some of the BS on here assume the worst of people and rightly so understood by me because of the hurt they have suffered. I believe relationships and people are all unique and I try not to assume I know everything about what I think someone is from a few paragraphs. I am doing the best I can to make the right choices and be a good person. I don't expect trust from anyone. I only need to know it for myself. My sincerity in reconciling my relationship is true and there will never be another time I betray my Boyfriend. Yes, I am Human! My original hesitation was not because of a lie, it is because of the horrific painful shame I feel when I even think about what I did. I am not a chronic cheater, I am not a sex addict. I was in an dark and evil situation in my life and I made the most awful narcissistic choice I could. I know I should have gone to counseling earlier in my life and never did (another error). There were several other things I could have chosen to do to make myself feel better and I picked the most horrible selfish one. 

This makes me extremely sad and I feel humility and disgust in even typing it. I feel true physical pain in my chest when I talk about it. I know it is necessary for me to release this in a safe place though. I continue to go to a counselor. She advises to use these open forum settings or a support group setting and a journal. 

I am truly thankful for those on here who offer just an ounce of concern or care in their responses rather than those who only seem to channel their own hate and lack of trust to respond.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Despite doing the right thing after being urged by members here, I am troubled by the need to after the plain, unequivocal instructions from the boyfriend:
> 
> 
> There isn't any question what to do after the first email and after the second.
> ...



I didn't ask for guidance on the second email. 

Closer to DD, my boyfriend originally asked several things of me and then later said not to do them. He told me he wanted me to tell him what I talked about with the counselor and when I did, he told me not to talk about it. He originally told me to contact the OMW and tell her I was sorry but then told me not to. He originally told me he wanted me to tell my family then asked me not to. He told me I would have to quit my job just because, then told me not to.
My BF knows I come here for advice and I even told him after the first email that I wasn't sure if I should tell him or just delete it. He did say that deleting it would have been fine then later said he was glad I told. This is a work in progress and what I do will never be perfect for everyone, and I don't expect perfection from others. I appreciate your input and respect your opinions.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> He originally told me to contact the OMW and tell her He told me I would have to quit my job just because,


You must tell the OMW now. Show her the emails that he still is sending. This OM is not stopping because he has had no consequences.

This will stop OM.

Rare case that does not then get a RO on the OM.

How did you meet OM, Co worker, customer?


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Met OM at a trade conference out of town. We live in different states.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your BF is unfortunately choosing rugsweeping as a way to deal with the affair. 

Please get him to read the articles here, or something to get him educated on how rugsweeping is the worst thing you can do. The things he asked you to do where good things and would help the relationship, but he's backed off for some reason.

You very much have to tell the OMW. Not only is he going to continue to fish, because he knows that you cheated once in a dark time, and he is hopeful that that opportunity will present itself again. 

You also need to tell her because he is going to do this with other women as well. He's going to trash other relationships and marriages. He needs to held accountable as a cheater, and the one person who can do that is his wife. Tell her, both to get him to go away from you, but also to hopefully help others.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your BF is unfortunately choosing rugsweeping as a way to deal with the affair.
> 
> Please get him to read the articles here, or something to get him educated on how rugsweeping is the worst thing you can do. The things he asked you to do where good things and would help the relationship, but he's backed off for some reason.
> 
> ...


My BF went to counseling with me for almost 7 months then he said he thought I should just go by myself for awhile after that. He spoke to the OMW consistently for about 6 months. He didn't rug sweep, he said he was ready to move on at one point. He let me know he doesn't care what the OM does anymore. He said he doesn't have any concern for the OMW either. We have discussed all this. I do not call the shots.. I let him make the choices and I listen well. I really could care less what the OM does as long as he does not continue to try and contact me. 
My BF shared the 4-5 page letter I wrote with the OMW which was a VERY personal and revealing letter. He gave her all the information he felt he needed to.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

If he sends another one call the police and tell them your being harrassed/stalked.

I'm glad you told your BF, it will always be the right thing to do, regardless of what he may say or think or feel at the time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd still just forward the emails to the OMW. No discussion, just a heads up to her that her husband is breaking NC and is fishing for contact.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Forward the e-mails to his wife...It will be like pouring bleach on the parasite. That's how you will delete him permanently from your life...His wife will fix it.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

The original idea of apologizing to the OMW was mine. I asked him if he minded if I did and he said he wasn't sure. He talked to the OMW and he later told me not now. Then a few months went by and he said he didn't think I should apologize. I didn't ask why. 

I do know was he was unhappy with the OMW for contacting my employer and emailing people at my job. He was also irritated with her using my first and last name in posts in several various places on the Web. 

I heard him talking to her on the phone about his irritation. He mentioned things like:Her Husband was with 5 different women and she only posted my name. He was also irritated that her posts on a forum were misquoting him and talking about things he said. I never saw them. 
Additionally, things that she told my BF she believed as true about her husband's stories were later discovered as untrue by the VAR she had placed in the car and at the house The problem my BF had was that she posted it but never told him that I was telling the truth about those things. He discovered who she was on the forum by chance and because she continually posted my name. When I produced all my old emails and printed all my texts I could recover for him on my own regard, he shared them all with her so she could catch her H in some of the lies he was continuing to tell. 

There was simply a point in which he was done with it.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

1st good job telling your B/F

2nd. Just my .02 but now I think its time for B/F to step in, and reply. for a couple reasons. 1. OM needs to know this is going straight to your B/F, and 2. He needs to know its not appreciated, or wanted, and to stay the phuck away. 


My wife knows to send me anything she recieves from OM. Its an instant deal breaker for me if she doesn't. If/when OM sends something to my wife, I will reply, and make sure OM knows to NEVER EVER come around me, or my family again. I would also forward it to the OMW

this needs shot down big and bad, and OM needs to learn there is 0% chance of ever talking to you again. He also needs to learn that everytime he tries he creates more problems no only for you, but himself. 

good luck.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry but the little attorney thing inside of me forces me to ask these questions: 
Were you unhappy with the OMW for contacting your employer and emailing people at your job? 
Were you irritated with her using your first and last name in posts in several various places on the Web? 
Why is your BF the only one handling the situation of communicating with OMW? 

The matter remains though that you knew he was married before you began a relationship with him sexual and otherwise. Unfortunately there are consequences for all behaviors. I sense that you are highly resentful of her evidence gathering and subsequent exposure and are afraid of future exposure. She is equally (if not greatly) more resentful of your forced presence in her life past, present or future. If you and BF can muster the courage (since she is still writing on the web and he has an idea of how she is feeling), call her up and meet with her. Understand that it will be just as difficult for her. Tell her to bring a close friend with her if needed. Talk with her, express your sincere regret and give her a copy of the emails he is presently sending you. Give her the NC letter you and your BF write together and she can hand deliver it to her husband. Then let her know that chapter in your life is closed forever. Additionally, tell her all contact and communication with her will end as of that day, it will be the first and last time you meet and wish her the best.

BTW, because the OW and my husband weren't forthcoming upon discovery and their stories were clearly corroborated, I felt forced to come down really hard on her. This was especially easy because she was and remains tight-lipped about their 8 year EA which had to have gone PA on and off. Saying "nothing happened" wasn't exactly going to cut it. There was no other recourse but to expose to the max and in a place where it hit the hardest. Hence my recommendation to you. The OMW should have the opportunity to ask you anything she wishes to, not your third party BF.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

nevergoback said:


> *If it is the OM I could care less*. I have no feelings toward him or a need to respond for his behalf or anything of the sort.
> 
> Please help!


My question: WAS THERE MORE THAN ONE AFFAIR?

If it's NOT the other man, who else could it have been.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Tryingtobreath said:


> My question: WAS THERE MORE THAN ONE AFFAIR?
> 
> If it's NOT the other man, who else could it have been.


You have to read my entire OP and not just pick out pieces.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Sorry but the little attorney thing inside of me forces me to ask these questions:
> Were you unhappy with the OMW for contacting your employer and emailing people at your job?
> Were you irritated with her using your first and last name in posts in several various places on the Web?
> Why is your BF the only one handling the situation of communicating with OMW?


I understand everything the OMW did and I may have very well done the same things in her situation. 

I wanted to die for what I did. I contemplated death as a solution a lot through the severe depression to make things better. I realized that would have been just as selfish as cheating again. I was not irritated at her. 

When I found about my name being used, I wished I was able to reverse what I had done so she didn't have a reason to post it. Obviously that's not possible. I did not and do not resent anything she did to gather information. If anything I was hoping she would find more evidence because the more she found the more my BF was able to confirm that the details I gave we true. 

It was my BF's request to communicate with her solely and February 2012 was the last contact he had with her per my knowledge.

I am not aware if she is still writing on the web. All I mentioned happened prior to February 2012.


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