# An ailing marriage



## needhelp! (Jan 17, 2012)

Hey everyone, new to this but wanted to get a women and men insight. My wife and I have been married for about 5 years now, we have our ups and downs as any couples do. Recent years we have been having problems in the bedroom, like she wants to do it and I just don't. I love my wife with all my heart but do not have the same sex drive as she. Is there something wrong with me I think out loud? We have started MC to try and figure out what is going on, we probably have done the deed once to twice a month.

The other day she wanted to do it, and I blew her intentions off, and to make up for it and tried apologizing that I was such a jerk and did not make her feel desired. I know we are good together because we balance each other out. But when telling her why I may have this problem and instead of listening and talking through it she comes back to the conclusion that I blame her, which is not the fact. I know I have some issues and going to the doctor to get some tests done to check out for diabetes, testosterone issues, etc.

Just need some thoughts on I have woken up from denying nothing is wrong, but trying to find a way to make it right and see my wife laugh and smile again, it is just hurting me so much inside!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Needhelp, maybe what you need to consider EVERY single time your wife makes an advance is the amount of pain she is in whenever you reject her. Regardless of whether you are not capable at the time or anything else, she's definitely going to take this personally. 

Our sexual confidence comes from the responses we receive before, during and after sex. 

Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if every time you put yourself out there someone shot you down or made it seem "chore like". How would this affect your confidence? How would this affect your desire for the other person? How would you feel about yourself even if you KNEW it wasn't because of you? 

What if someone slapped you in the face every day once a day and then afterwards they told you, sorry it's not YOU it's really this other thing going on. 

Every time you turn your wife down it is a slap in her face. Not only are you rejecting her body and mind but your rejecting your relationship. 

I know you're going through some tough times and wanting answers shows that you do care. Maybe you need to push yourself to sleep with her as many times as she wants until you work this out at MC. 

"The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out."

It a decision......


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one gets married to be sexless or rejected. We can do that while being single.

At least then you can still hope that SOMEDAY you won't be sexless or rejected.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How old are you?

Do you use porn?

Do you harbor any resentment towards your wife? (Think hard and answer this one as honestly as possible.)

Do you work out?
Eat right?

Do you have an sexual disfunction? ED, premature ejaculation..anything?

You have to get your testosterone checked as well as a complete physical to rule out medical problems before you can go forward.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No one gets married to be sexless or rejected. We can do that while being single.
> 
> At least then you can still hope that SOMEDAY you won't be sexless or rejected.


Yeah when you`re single you can roll past the rejection and on to the next one!!

Kinda hard to do that when married.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Marital sex is the most intimate act possible. Rejecting that is a fundamental rejection of your wife. I know you're not intending to reject your wife, you would just rather take a drive. But, it's understandable, and even predictable, that your wife takes this fundamental rejection personally.

Hopefully, your tests show something to explain your low drive. If not, you've got to work on having more sex with your wife so that she gets the love she craves.

Good luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...because if this isn't resolved, she's prime candidate for an affair and/or filing papers on you.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Yeah you don't want that for sure. I don't understand how people who treat their SO this way get upset by the affair? I mean i think the better choice is divorce but if one party (husband in this instance) is "allowed" to separate sex from the marriage why shouldn't the cheating spouse be "allowed" to separate their sexual affair from the relationship? 

Again I think divorce is better suited before you cheat but you can't complain about something you do also.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

needhelp! said:


> Hey everyone, new to this but wanted to get a women and men insight. My wife and I have been married for about 5 years now, we have our ups and downs as any couples do. Recent years we have been having problems in the bedroom, like she wants to do it and I just don't. I love my wife with all my heart but do not have the same sex drive as she. Is there something wrong with me I think out loud? We have started MC to try and figure out what is going on, we probably have done the deed once to twice a month.
> 
> The other day she wanted to do it, and I blew her intentions off, and to make up for it and tried apologizing that I was such a jerk and did not make her feel desired. I know we are good together because we balance each other out. But when telling her why I may have this problem and instead of listening and talking through it she comes back to the conclusion that I blame her, which is not the fact. I know I have some issues and going to the doctor to get some tests done to check out for diabetes, testosterone issues, etc.
> 
> ...


Good for you for searching for answers to work out why.

Are you sexually attracted to her? Do you _want_ a more regular (frequency) sex-life with her? 

How you handle this can greatly affect your wife's sexual esteem. Do you still flirt with her daily and show her physical affection? Can you give her pleasure? Can you initiate sensual moments such as taking a bath together so that she still has closeness with you? Are you motivated to do this? 

I think the most important thing for your marriage right now is for her to KNOW that you are willing to figure out what's going on and you are doing all that you can to improve things. As you progress with finding answers, you might need to open up to her more than ever as to what you're going through yourself and let her know that you WANT her. (assuming that you do?)

There may be things she needs to change. But focusing on you, reassure her that she IS desirable (assuming you feel this) and not in an "I'm sorry" way but in a "damn, you're hot!" way. SHOW her that you are working on yourself to figure it out - whether this be hormonal tests, therapy, reading, self-reflection. Keep her in the loop of what's going on so that she has a better understanding along with you. Someone that takes initiative and ownership and attempts to meet the needs of their partner, is an attractive quality. She will need patience while you go down this path but hopefully if you handle this in an open way, she can be there for you.

It seems when we're "closed" sexually from our SO, we're also "closed" emotionally from them too. Be aware of how OPEN you are. Best wishes.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

pretty funny to read this after just finishing the Double Standard thread. this guy is saying he was wrong, apologized, and is looking into health issues that may be causing his lower drive. But she's ripe for affair or divorce!

when it's the woman, the guy hasn't unlocked her soul by communicating with her so that she's feels 100% safe and comfortable with you first. What a bunch of BS!!! Guys are called pigs when they say they're gonna cheat or leave b/c their wife "only" because of sex.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not all guys. Some guys are told to divorce their wives. Some guys, because of their attitude, just put others on edge so they get snarky replies.

This guy needs to figure himself out so he can help his marriage. Just like a woman who doesn't give her husband sex, the other spouse is prime for an affair. That's the reality.

However, some men come on here sounding so selfish and self-righteous about their demands for sex.

Get off it! Maybe if they talked about their wives like people instead of sperm depositories, they'd get the same responses as people who get good advice.


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## needhelp! (Jan 17, 2012)

Thanks all....I do love my wife a lot and had a long conversation with her the other night. We are going to take it one step at a time and have agreed to work on our marriage, and especially me. We both do love each other very much and just need to understand each other better. Has anyone on here read the five love languages and if so is it good and did it help any?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

needhelp! said:


> Thanks all....I do love my wife a lot and had a long conversation with her the other night. We are going to take it one step at a time and have agreed to work on our marriage, and especially me. We both do love each other very much and just need to understand each other better. Has anyone on here read the five love languages and if so is it good and did it help any?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you! Awesome! Good luck!


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

Five Love Languages is alright for a start. There are better books - Dr. David Schnarch's "A Passionate Marriage" for one. Also, do some research on your communication 'styles'. Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes have a great series on relationships. This might help, too.

You do need to get yourself sorted out so you can give 100% of yourself authentically to the marriage. This will necessitate openness and honesty. Sounds like you've made a start.


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

you need to give her what she craves, you are not allowed to deny her, put some effort into it, love just doesnt happen you need work, you made her a promise to have and to hold her, you need to keep that promise


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Do this simple thing. If you are truly not a selfish person, just tell her, you help me get it up and its on! 

My wife and i have had a standing agreement our entire marriage (35 years) that neither would ever deny the other sex when they are interested. And we never have. Not once! 

It is not unusual for spouses to be on different pages at any given moment but marriage is all about accommodating the other party.

Its not that hard..........but it can be!!!


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