# So who's fault is it?



## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

3 nights in a row my wife hasn't slept in our bed. 3 nights in a row I've had to be the responsible father and take care of our 20 month old son. 3 nights in a row she's stayed at the same friends house and is spending time with their daughter. I feel she is very immature and not responsible by spending time with our family. I try to call her but she doesn't answer her phone, I tell her that my son's stomach looked funny and I might have to take him to the dr and she doesn't say I'm coming home she just say's go have it looked at. Our call gets dropped and I tell her to call me from a land line, 1hour later still no word. I dont know what to say, I'm floored.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, the guys aren't replying, so I will. I read your other posts. Your wife is definitely the one in the wrong here. At this point you shouldn't even be worrying about who's fault it is. You need to decide what steps you are going to take to put an end to her selfish behavior.

I'm wondering which friend she is really visiting with. It doesn't sound good. That combined with the other behaviors which are currently going on are red flags to me. 

Hope the little guy is okay. Make sure to give him extra hugs.


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm very sorry about what you are going through. Guess she thinks she's still a teenager. Yet, I have to ask... have you helped with the baby or has she complained about that and stuck you with the 3 day stint as a result?


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## Night Owl (Feb 16, 2011)

Hi NightEagle (Good name BTW )

Not sure why you are asking whose fault when from what you've written it's definitely not yours. First priority is taking care of your son - I hope he's doing fine. Don't even think about your wife - if she gets in touch fine but he needs your total attention.

Once that's worked out, you really need to find out whether your wife is having an affair. Some others on this forum have solid ideas on how to do this - Affaircare is one person who I've seen referred to a lot. Read some threads in the Coping with Infidelity forum.

A second point is finding things to do for yourself that don't have anything to do with your wife, hobbies, sports, meeting friends, etc. Doing this will help will help you rebuild some confidence and release some stress.

These are first steps but they are a start towards bringing things to an even keel.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

The little guy's great, thanks  We have 2 kids total his brother is 10 but is hardly ever here. She complains that her job is such a big stress etc. I've grown from going out all the time to bars etc. She's always been like this. Spending nights at friends houses. I talked to her about this and I hear "Well I used to go to my friend's house all the time" yadda yadda yadda. She uses the "Control" issue topic when ever I tell her I don't think it's a good idea. When I ask her to see her phone she gets very angry. Granted after what happened before I had trust issues and I installed a program on her phone allowing me to read everything. But we talked through it and I made the agree to give her some privacy. But how much is too much? She deletes call logs, txt logs etc. I have my feelings that something more is going on but I believe that I may be over reacting. Last night gave me a lot of thinking and the fact of the matter is if she needs to think I think that her being with bad influences will only make her decisions wrong. Since she's been hanging with these people she has changed in a total different way. Today I am going to put my foot down and lay out ground rules not just for her but for both of us. I've become friends with her ex husband and he's in our lives because of their son and he said that's the way she used to be with him. She used to go out all hours of the night while he stayed home with the kids. I agree friends space is good but by god come home at the end of the night. The most I can remember being away from home was 2 business trips one to vegas and one to OKC. But I called all the time etc. I think her influence from her friends is toxic to our relationship and a part of me wants to tell her friend to stay away.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm glad you will be putting your foot down today. She is walking all over you and neglecting your family.



NightEagle1981 said:


> Spending nights at friends houses.


Red Flag




NightEagle1981 said:


> She uses the "Control" issue topic when ever I tell her I don't think it's a good idea.


Red Flag--Every cheater I know uses that line.





NightEagle1981 said:


> When I ask her to see her phone she gets very angry.


Red Flag--Why would she get angry if there is nothing to hide.





NightEagle1981 said:


> But we talked through it and I made the agree to give her some privacy.


Red Flag--All part of a cheater's game plan.





NightEagle1981 said:


> She deletes call logs, txt logs etc.


Red Flag




NightEagle1981 said:


> I have my feelings that something more is going on but I believe that I may be over reacting.


Never doubt your gut feelings. If you are having these feelings, there is usually a good reason. Cheaters are great at making you doubt yourself. Cheaters even convince themselves their lies are in fact truth. 

Take control back and regain the self-confidence you need. Snoop, do detective work, etc. But, get to the bottom of what's going on. It is empowering to know the truth! Even if she isn't cheating, her behavior is unacceptable for a married woman with young children. Also, be sure to keep a journal of what she is doing.

Hope all goes well for you today.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude your wife is cheating on you.

14 years ago I was going thought the same sh*t you are right now. So heres how its going to be for the next dozen years.

The resentment will build and you will find something that will occupy your time. For me it was work and then hanging out with the guys after work. 

Your W will then have to take the kid with her, most likely she will have some one watch them. You will think everyones hanging out watching the kids play together, but.

Soon there will be issues with tardies and absences at elementry school and things will work out with you and her and the family. But, it wont last long though.

By the time the kid gets into Jr high school they will soon start to hang out at friends houses and both you and your wife will be doing your own thing. Something will bring you back togehter, it will last a while, but you don't want to be controlling and you still think you can trust your loyal wife.

By the time high school rolls around and the kids are driving, they will start leaning on each other for support while you do your thing and your wife does here thing. By now there is so much resentment built up the both of you don't even care were the other ones at b/c you are staying busy with the things you enjoy, and at this stage in life you are not enjoying each other any way.

When the kids are out and at college, football season will be over and for some reason you are wondering were exactly your wife is. See at this point in life the both of you stop telling each other were you are going much less when you will be home.

So as you are sitting in the lazyboy missing football and realizing that something is wrong with your life you start looking in to your W activities. Sure as sh*t you find the evidence that you have been ignoring for a dozen years.

You confront her with *proof* and she admits to the affair and preceeds to tell you she has been sleeping around for the last 13 years. Some affairs lasted months others were ONS but the bottom line after all these years she has been with about 20 men, shes not sure.

Hell I felt lucky, I don't have any STD's, I'm not raising a bastard child, she says she hasn't had an abortion, and she doesnt love the guys shes with.

So my point is,
if I was more controlling and then mayby I would have protected my family from so many years of an unhealthy marriage.

The bottom line is you can not control your W. Her ex has proven that. She stepped out of her 1st marriage b/c she didn't want to work on it.

There is one thing you can control and that is what you do. The choices are bury your head in the sand like I did or divorce her like her ex did.

God knows you love her, I love my W, at one time your W's ex loved her to. But the reality is you can not control you wife. It is her choice to do the things she does.

Hell she wants the stability and security of being a wife, but also want to be treat and be allowed to act single. She has no clue about a health marriage that is why she is on her 2nd one and if or when you leave she will go on to more marriages and cheating and then die alone in a house full of cats. 

What will you tolorate is the question, not whoes fault is it. Its a marriage its both your fault but your not sleeping around your wife is and if you choose to investige her activities you will not like what you will find, but you then will beable to protect your self from more deciet, finacial hardship, and most imortantly STD's or a bastard child.

Who knows, maybe by this spring she will fall in love with some guy at the bar and make the dicision for you.

Please get the thought out of your head that its one particular fault, it both of yours. Trust me you are not being controling when you want your best friend home with you raising a family. Dam it man your are protecting your family not controlling her. Its her choice to be on board with that. You are going to take care of business with or with out her. 

And by the way I kept my wife she didnt want that life she had, and the both of us corrected our faults, changed are behaviors.
We will be renewing our vows on our 20th Anny. And together we will marry our kids off and hopfully have grand babies to watch grow up since we missed our own kids grow up.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Well after a long weekend we both had a long talk. We went to Montreal since we live close and had a 3 hour car ride to discuss things on the way up, and also on the way back. I told her how uncomfortable that I am with our current life style and how we both need to change our way's. She agreed that we both have issues that need to change so that our marriage can be healthy. I told her that I was suspicious about her activities and I think I over reacted. She say's the reason she gets offended and protective of her phone is because she doesn't trust me with it. I did install a spyware program so that I could see what was going on I think I invaded her privacy and I do think that was wrong. I told her that if she was cheating on me to just be honest and if she didn't want to be with me tell me. She wants to make it work and I believe that she is being faithful to me because honestly if she was cheating she would have left me. I guess I should ask where do I put boundaries I mean should I really be snooping into her phone? I just think that it shouldn't matter and if I wanted to look at it it shouldn't be an issue. We managed to open up to eachother and we are going to see a counselor as well as make lists of others imperfections that we both need to work on. We also agreed that we need us time as well giving us our space so that we aren't spending too much time together. I think my jealousy does get the best of me and she doesn't like that because that's not the type of guy she wants to be around, she say's the more I act like that it pushes her away.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wanna know the really crappy thing about cheating?

They don't decide to run off with lover boy. 

What they decide is that they are better served by remaining secure in the relationship with their current partner, while pursuing an intimate, no strings attached relationship with a lover.

They cover it with lies, and sometimes even love and affection to throw you off. It's insidious, and no less a horrific betrayal.

The very worst is where they are actually open about that fact. They won't leave the house. They won't leave you. But they will openly pursue an affair right under your nose. Have seen that case on several occasions here on the boards.

So don't act like a jealous jerk ... but importantly, don't trust her for a minute either. It is very unlikely that you have the entire truth.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Wanna know the really crappy thing about cheating?
> 
> They don't decide to run off with lover boy.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I just get the third degree whenever I ask her if she's doing something like that because she said "You shoud know me, you dont trust me? She says that she trusts me and I have always had trust issues but I just think that its come to a boil over and I just cant live like that anymore. Is there really woman in the world that don't cheat on there husbands or g/f's?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NE,
The best thing we ever did was take a 5 hr drive to Vegas to reconnect and that is the important thing..reconnect. So I know exactly how you feel. Man that was the best drive I had (we go alot) 5 hours of no radio/CD just talking. It actually went fast.(the drive)

The better things that happened for us was her openness, her just handing over her entire life back to me like when we first met. I could look at what ever I wanted, purse,cell, computer, back in the day she would do things around the house and talk on speaker phone with her friends.

Then it went south and we all know what happens when privacy turnes into security. I mean if you have nothing to hide then why have security. but when you have secrets then one needs to have security. 

I quess what I'm saying is when I walk in the restroom when my W is on the pot I think I invaded her privacy. but if my wife wont let me use her cell phone well then shes hiding something. I'm invading her secrecy.
Know that I think about her old "girls weekend" my wife never let me help her pack....any way.

Back to NE1981, I think your wife should be an open book and if shes not she hiding something. I remeber my W swearing on her kids lives that there was nothing going on and that she would never leave me. Well she wouldn't, she had me for stability and security and a baby sitter. She had the title of being a wife and all that went with it, but she also wanted to be treated like a women and a single women at that.

See she was addicted to the excitement and trill of sneaking around and love the valitaion that OM gave her. She had it made stability, security, and a safe place that she could count on (life #1). Then she hade the fun and night life,text,secrets, taboo life style (life #2)

Why in the world would my wife want to leave that. She had the best of both worlds, never in a milion years would she ever ever ever fess up to cheating or leave me. 

Ops sorry for the rant, The thing is I think you need to protect your self from deciet b/c it does happen especially when there are red flags already... do it quitely, but also be the best husband you can be. I hope your W lets you in and that you can confirm her commitment to you through your own investigation. Sometime people have a second life that they don't want know one to know about. even though they have great love for there husband.

It happened to me I just choose to ignore it for years.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

NightEagle1981 said:


> Is there really woman in the world that don't cheat on there husbands or g/f's?


Yes, and I'm one of them. I stayed in a marriage for 25 years and never cheated or even thought about it. I got so "burned" by a cheating husband, I could say the same thing about men. But, I don't. I have brothers and a father who never cheated. They give me hope that not all men cheat. It is people who cheat--men and women.

Hope things work out for you.


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