# Weird Responses



## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Hi All
I've made some other posts if you want to see the status of my relationship and basically what a piece of crap I've been in this marriage. Anyways I do have a current issue that is tough. When I make a mistake I always apologize and genuinely feel bad about it, however the thing is my spouse responds with. "If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." how do I respond to that??? any advice


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's basically saying that you aren't thinking before you act.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she's basically saying that she's still angry about it and would prefer to see what measures you will take in the future


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

matman said:


> Hi All
> I've made some other posts if you want to see the status of my relationship and basically what a piece of crap I've been in this marriage. Anyways I do have a current issue that is tough. When I make a mistake I always apologize and genuinely feel bad about it, however the thing is my spouse responds with. "If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." how do I respond to that??? any advice


Is it a recurring mistake? Do you think about how she would feel about things before you do them?


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

good point. I just feel like I can't win lately. I am hyper focused on everything I do but still miss stuff. I should be thinking about how she'd feel about things before I did them. I am a musician/ graphic designer. A very creative person and I feel my head is in the clouds a lot of the time.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

matman said:


> good point. I just feel like I can't win lately. I am hyper focused on everything I do but still miss stuff. I should be thinking about how she'd feel about things before I did them. I am a musician/ graphic designer. A very creative person and I feel my head is in the clouds a lot of the time.


Both of those professions are self-absorbed. If you spend all the time inside your head not noticing you have someone in your life that needs more from you, I can see why she'd be so upset.

Think about her more often. Things will improve if you do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would add that when you make apologies you also offer up solutions or ask what you can do to make up for it


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

If you are making the same 'mistakes' over and over again, you need to figure out why this is and change it since that is jerky behavior.

If you are making geniune errors and she responds as you indicated (as if you were an idiot and made the mistake on purpose), she needs to growup and tell her that her demeaning and disrespectful comments are inappropriate and should cease.

"If you were sorry you wouldn't do it in the first place." .... I wouldn't tolerate this from a child


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

It's not the same mistakes over and over. Almost always new. How are my professions self-absorbed? maybe I'm mis-understanding you. I work my ass off for my family. I feel hurt and very sad. I have asked what I can do to make up for it and the response is "not do it"


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

She needs to grow up.

But that's an oversimplification on some other bigger issue. You have to figure that out. There is something more happening that is causing her to diss your apologies in such a manner


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

matman said:


> It's not the same mistakes over and over. Almost always new. How are my professions self-absorbed? maybe I'm mis-understanding you. I work my ass off for my family. I feel hurt and very sad. I have asked what I can do to make up for it and the response is "not do it"


Graphic designers are in front of a computer all day. Musicians are in their heads composing (or gone from the house playing in a band or doing a set). That's what I mean. My husband did graphics for 12 years, and worked from home. When we first got married I hardly saw him, he was always working. He's since switched to law enforcement which isn't a WHOLE lot better, but he's out and about versus right there in the house and unavailable.

Almost always new? Like what specifically? If you feel that nothing you do is right, I would say she's a very unhappy person.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Also, you admit your head is in the clouds. That could be problematic to a person that's firmly planted in the ground dealing with reality.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

"Don't do it again" and "you wouldn't have done it in the first place" are shaming statements.

She is trying to inflict shame on you. From your tone, it's working.

Inflicting shame is an abusive behavior, plain and simple. Stop allowing the abuse.

When an apology is needed it should be like a single gunshot. Loud, clear and plain. Then it's done. 

Stop multi-apologizing. A single transgression only requires a single apology.

Stop discussing the apology and why she thinks it's inadequate. You apologized, it's done.

Stop apologizing so much. Think about why you are saying it. Is it because you were truly wrong or is it to placate her?

It's time to push back and stop being a doormat.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Just wondering when you apologize is it

"I'm sorry for..."

Or "I'm sorry but..."

First one seems that you acknowledge being sorry and what you did that you are sorry for (action you did or something you said etc)
"I'm sorry I said xyz I wasn't trying to upset you"

Second one may come across as you saying you are sorry and justifying or defending what you did or in some cases maybe slipping in a statement to make it seem like she was at fault or stupid for feeling the way she does.saying it like this may make her feel like you aren't really sorry cause you justified it.
"I'm sorry but if you just did this I wouldn't have to"

My husband was king of I'm sorry but. I told him that I didn't like him saying that and explained to him why. I told him if he was going to say I'm sorry but... I would prefer he not apologize. He admitted he had no idea he was saying that in a way that came across like that to me it wasn't his intention. 

Not saying this is the case for you and your wife just something to consider. Otherwise it could be what was already said she is just trying to shame demean and disrespect you. And you shouldnt keep apologizing.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

jayde said:


> She needs to grow up.
> 
> But that's an oversimplification on some other bigger issue. You have to figure that out. There is something more happening that is causing her to diss your apologies in such a manner


:iagree: You can't be perfect all the time. People don't purposely mess up and we can't be 100% flawless all the time. Your wife sounds super critical.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Also, you admit your head is in the clouds. That could be problematic to a person that's firmly planted in the ground dealing with reality.


That is a load of crap. Just because someone is a musician and graphic designer does not mean someone is self-absorbed. Sheesh!


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> That is a load of crap. Just because someone is a musician and graphic designer does not mean someone is self-absorbed. Sheesh!


:iagree:

That's what I was thinking. As a visual artist myself, I will tell you that being self-absorbed is a trait carried across all sorts of occupations. It isn't specific to being a creative person. 

OP: Either your wife is hyper-critical or there is something else wrong that she is upset about and hasn't been able to talk about. As other posters have replied, it could be how you're apologizing and/or how much. I agree that multiple apologies for the same infraction diminishes you in her eyes and makes you look really "sorry". Once is enough. 

I can be sarcastic sometimes found myself doing/saying things that I found out later upset my wife, while I thought whatever it was wasn't a big deal. It took a while, but I finally learned to take a step back and think about whther what I was going to say to her was going to be productive or add another layer of negativity to what was going on, especially if I was in a bad mood already. I have saved myself a lot of apologizing. No one is perfect and shouldn't be expected to be, but it helps to choose your battles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Matman,

Can you please give us some examples of the things that you are doing wrong?

Is it things like you not doing the dishes right? Or do you forget to pay bills? Or are you fogetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc? 


Thanks,


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

She is testing you.
Stay calm to deal with the problem.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Until you give us some idea of what it is, it is hard to answer you. But the simple answer really is that its impossible that she never mistakes. I bet she never apologises. What you have to do is not apologise but throw her back her own mistakes. Of course if youre working and making money for her dont let her forget that its not hers by right, in the kind of creative job you are doing you are entitled to make some mistakes. You are not an angel and she doesnt want to be married to one either. Maybe because of your superiority its her way of getting back at you. Dont fall for it. Tell her straight or show her what I have written. Expect many mistakes from now on and add, I have to thank you for being my wife to help me notice them. What and where would I be without you.


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