# My wife is never in the mood



## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

Hi i have been in a relationship for a couple of years, and i cant seem to figure how to make my wife cum. Like she starts getting aroused and than abruptly she just fizzles out. She is bored during intercourse and just wants to get it over with. I have spoken to her many times about and she says she is happy with our sex life, she just doesn’t enjoy sexual activity so much, and not everybody is into sex. She also doesn’t like kissing with tongue. I am really frustrated that i cant pleasure her properly. I have read a lot of literature on the topic but nothing seems to help. I am open to seing a sex therapist, but like i said my wife is happy with the status quo, and is not interested.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Are you willing to ditch her if nothing changes?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Guy123456789 said:


> Hi i have been in a relationship for a couple of years, and i cant seem to figure how to make my wife cum. Like she starts getting aroused and than abruptly she just fizzles out. She is bored during intercourse and just wants to get it over with. I have spoken to her many times about and she says she is happy with our sex life, she just doesn’t enjoy sexual activity so much, and not everybody is into sex. She also doesn’t like kissing with tongue. I am really frustrated that i cant pleasure her properly. I have read a lot of literature on the topic but nothing seems to help. I am open to seing a sex therapist, but like i said my wife is happy with the status quo, and is not interested.


A two part question. Did her sexuality change after marriage, if so when? The other part is if she was like this always, why did you marry her?

My wife has a very low sex drive compared to mine. For my wife to orgasm, she needs to relax, and totally enter a zen like state where she has no thoughts only aware of sensations. She keeps a pad and pen on her night stand so that she can write things down, so she won't try to remember things. It takes her half an hour to an hour of alone time to cleanse her mind and relax to the point that foreplay will bring her to orgasm. A back/shoulder massage can sometimes help speed things up, but only sometimes.

Her happiness may be just her way of saying to herself that she is not a sexual failure. There are lots of books, articles and programs for women who are not orgasmic. They usually involve self discovery through masturbation. 

You are correct that a sex therapist would probably help. However, you need to understand she may never become the sexpot you may want. She will probably always have issues with sex, but at least the two of your can explore to find out if there is something you both can handle.

Good luck.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Reading things isn't going to help if she's just not into it and not interested.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Guy123456789 said:


> ...she just doesn’t enjoy sexual activity so much...


First thing first... Try and be thankful that your wife is open and honest with you regarding how she feels as many women just fake it (which can be more problematic than being honest).

Secondly... Your wife may enjoy aspects of physical intimacy much differently than you. Don't use the male model of sexuality (arousal, climax, refractory) as a means to compare and judge your wife's sexual response. She may be more interested in an emotional connection combined with soothing and mildly arousing touches and enjoy sex more as a relaxing meditation as opposed to trying to feel the universe explode. 

Your starting point is to to and learn how to make your wife feel loved and accepted for who she is and stop trying to change her. You may discover as a result that the quality of sex drastically increases for you both once you change your perspective, expectations, and approach to making love. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Guy123456789 said:


> Hi i have been in a relationship for a couple of years, and i cant seem to figure how to make my wife cum. Like she starts getting aroused and than abruptly she just fizzles out. She is bored during intercourse and just wants to get it over with. I have spoken to her many times about and she says she is happy with our sex life, she just doesn’t enjoy sexual activity so much, and not everybody is into sex. She also doesn’t like kissing with tongue. I am really frustrated that i cant pleasure her properly. I have read a lot of literature on the topic but nothing seems to help. I am open to seing a sex therapist, but like i said my wife is happy with the status quo, and is not interested.


She's 'happy' (which I doubt), but you're not happy. Have you told her that you're not? Also, I would absolutely demand that both of you see a sex therapist, regardless of if she's happy. You are not, which means there is an issue. Also, you didn't mention anything about oral sex.... either you're not doing it, or you're not good at it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If she says she is happy, why are you asking the question?

Are you not happy?
Do you not believe her?

If you think your wife needs fixing for _her _benefit but she disagrees, no surprise you won't get much traction, and that's a very paternalistic position to take. If you think your wife needs fixing for _your _benefit, that's a different problem, and immediately raises the question of which of you should shoulder the burden of changing for the other, or potentially abandoning the marriage altogether. 

If you believe that she is perfectly satisfied with your sex life, what you are implicitly saying is that your notion of sex is better than hers, and that she should adjust accordingly.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cletus said:


> If she says she is happy, why are you asking the question?
> 
> Are you not happy?
> Do you not believe her?
> ...


Are you even serious? Obviously the quality and connection and intimacy of the sex and the relationship in general (i.e. not kissing w/ tongue) is seriously lacking.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> Are you even serious? Obviously the quality and connection and intimacy of the sex and the relationship in general (i.e. not kissing w/ tongue) is seriously lacking.


Sexual incompatibility requires someone to change who they are, someone to accept what cannot be changed, or to amicably split. She is no more required to change than is he just because it meets your standards of a proper sexual relationship. 

So the original question remains. Is OP trying to fix his wife's anorgasmia for her benefit or for his? If it is for him, then he will almost certainly fail in getting what he wants. Better to come to that realization sooner rather than later.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

So your wife doesn’t seem to enjoy sex, isn’t into it and doesn’t even like to kiss you with tongue. Maybe it’s just her, but that’s unlikely.

Since legitimately asexual people are a tiny fraction of a minority of the population, it’s unlikely that she doesn’t care about sex or physical intimacy. She is most likely just not physically into you.
The kissing with tongue thing is significant I think. If it was just her, if she just had some hormonal imbalance or other issues that were impacting her sex drive/enjoyment, that doesn’t explain the lack of intimate kissing. This seems like a more general attraction/intimacy issue, meaning she’s just not attracted, aroused, IN-love with you. Sorry, that sucks.

I would take a serious and honest look at your relationship (sexual intimacy, non-sexual intimacy, respect, affection, touch, leadership dynamics, each of your roles within the marriage). With that assessment you can more effectively move forward, and the folks here can better advise you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Seeing a sex therapist isn't going to suddenly make her more sexual. It's just not. She likes the closeness of it as long as it doesn't go on too long, sounds like. She just likes it in a different way for different reasons than you do. 

She starts off aroused and then gets bored, you said. This tells me you're probably trying to make this something it isn't going to be, which is a long embellished sex session. If she starts out aroused, do you keep doing what you were doing to arouse her, or do you stop and change positions or do something to get yourself off instead? If she's getting aroused, at least keep doing what you're doing that got her aroused until she says enough is enough or actual orgasms. Don't start talking to her and distracting her. That can be a huge mistake. Just keep doing what got you that far until she either gets there or tells you that's enough. 

I know one mistake men made when I was young is as soon as they saw you were aroused, they took that opportunity to stop getting you off and start trying to get a bj or something else. Like their job was done because you were now aroused and it was like they thought that translated into you now being ready to serve their needs, but all it really was is getting someone excited and then stopping, leaving them to lose arousal. 

It's just a suggestion. You may have tried it all by now and found nothing works, in which case she just doesn't have the same needs as you do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cletus said:


> So the original question remains. Is OP trying to fix his wife's anorgasmia for her benefit or for his? If it is for him, then he will almost certainly fail in getting what he wants. Better to come to that realization sooner rather than later.


I have read stories of women with anorgasmia and a husband that was desperate to try anything to make it work. At some point the husband was able to do it, but the wife (after experiencing an orgasm) was not all that impressed and still did not think having one was of any importance (and for reference this opinion was written from the female perspective). She was also concerned that the means necessary for her to orgasm also served to be rather emasculating to her husband (as it was rather unnatural method).

So if it is making his wife orgasm that the OP is trying to achieve, he needs to understand that doing so may not even solve any problems.

In my opinion he is likely struggling with, "wanting to feel wanted" as that seems to be a universal struggle as couples mature and unveil the curtains to see what is actually behind the one called "wanting to please each other." Ultimately one finds the, "I'm tired of pleasing you because you are not easy to please" part of the relationship which leaves one feeling rather unwanted.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> A two part question. Did her sexuality change after marriage, if so when? The other part is if she was like this always, why did you marry her?
> 
> My wife has a very low sex drive compared to mine. For my wife to orgasm, she needs to relax, and totally enter a zen like state where she has no thoughts only aware of sensations. She keeps a pad and pen on her night stand so that she can write things down, so she won't try to remember things. It takes her half an hour to an hour of alone time to cleanse her mind and relax to the point that foreplay will bring her to orgasm. A back/shoulder massage can sometimes help speed things up, but only sometimes.
> 
> ...


Because we didnt have any pre marital sex


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

badsanta said:


> First thing first... Try and be thankful that your wife is open and honest with you regarding how she feels as many women just fake it (which can be more problematic than being honest).
> 
> Secondly... Your wife may enjoy aspects of physical intimacy much differently than you. Don't use the male model of sexuality (arousal, climax, refractory) as a means to compare and judge your wife's sexual response. She may be more interested in an emotional connection combined with soothing and mildly arousing touches and enjoy sex more as a relaxing meditation as opposed to trying to feel the universe explode.
> 
> ...


Thanks actually the only decent reply. Its just i am sexually frustrated.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Are you willing to ditch her if nothing changes?


 no i love her to much


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Guy123456789 said:


> no i love her to much


...and that’s the thread folks.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Guy123456789 said:


> *Thanks actually the only decent reply. Its just i am sexually frustrated.*


Does that mean you’re choosing to disregard all of the other advice/guidance offered, and just focus on that which validates your pre-determined mental model of what you wanted to hear?

You can do that if you want, but people are telling you some very important things. You would be wise to consider all of the perspectives being offered here.

Some of the suggestions/guidance here may not be what you want to hear, may be tough for your ego to process, may be uncomfortable and require action on your part, but they may also be the most valid and valuable if you want to improve your situation.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Guy123456789 said:


> no i love her to much


Game over
Stick a fork in him.....he is done


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

badsanta said:


> First thing first... Try and be thankful that your wife is open and honest with you regarding how she feels as many women just fake it (which can be more problematic than being honest).
> 
> Secondly... Your wife may enjoy aspects of physical intimacy much differently than you. Don't use the male model of sexuality (arousal, climax, refractory) as a means to compare and judge your wife's sexual response. She may be more interested in an emotional connection combined with soothing and mildly arousing touches and enjoy sex more as a relaxing meditation as opposed to trying to feel the universe explode.
> 
> ...


Except that she doesn’t even like to kiss him intimately so...

There’s more here, she’s not just low drive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Guy123456789 said:


> Thanks actually the only decent reply. *Its just i am sexually frustrated.*


Most folks tend to turn to self exploration as an outlet to relieve frustration, and there is a tremendous amount of novelties and media out there ready to make lots of money for this.... however.... individual self exploration can also be facilitated as a couple. It can also be done in a way that serves to compliment the relationship. 

Most husbands actually enjoy fantasizing about their own wife. Unfortunately these fantasies are often fed with porn and unrealistic forms of adult media. Instead you should engage with you own wife and see if she would be willing to help facilitate some fantasies for your self exploration. An example of that might include shopping online together for lingerie for something she might actually enjoy having, but you get to decide on making the final purchase in private as a surprise for her. Another example might include shopping together for books to help improve the quality of intimacy and she encourages you to read these in private as you think of her. 

Ultimately you want to be able to share with your wife that you enjoy thinking of her and do so in a way that builds her confidence and makes her feel good about herself. That in turn should eventually benefit the quality of intimacy as a couple. But you have to use self exploration and time in private as something that pulls you towards her. You do not want to use self exploration out of frustration and anger as that will only serve to push you away. 

It is an awkward topic of conversation to start, but once she realizes that you are devoting that energy towards trying to better things it can become a healthy outlet.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Guy123456789 said:


> Because we didnt have any pre marital sex


Ooooooohhhhhhhh ....... I previously missed this part. That’s like biggest red flag ever. 
You got a llooonnnggggg way to go. I’ll be honest with you: People in a much better position than you try for years with no results. Between your unwillingness to press the issue hard with your wife and that “no sex before marriage” stuff......you just as well throw in the towel. 

The dynamic that exist surrounding sexuality in your relationship is a hollow corpse.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Ooooooohhhhhhhh ....... I previously missed this part. That’s like biggest red flag ever.
> You got a llooonnnggggg way to go. I’ll be honest with you: People in a much better position than you try for years with no results. Between your unwillingness to press the issue hard with your wife and that “no sex before marriage” stuff......you just as well throw in the towel.
> 
> The dynamic that exist surrounding sexuality in your relationship is a hollow corpse.


Not necessarily. I think there are ways forward that that could improve his situation.

But holding to the belief that the problem must be that she’s just not sexual (and has nothing to do with her sexuality/attraction WITH HIM), and the way forward is to gently and lovingly support her learning to be more intimate and sexual without any expectations- will probably end poorly.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

A few questions:
How old are you both? 
Have either of you had other partners before each other?
I assume you avoided premarital sex because of your shared faith, correct?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Not necessarily. I think there are ways forward that that could improve his situation.
> 
> But holding to the belief that the problem must be that she’s just not sexual (and has nothing to do with her sexuality/attraction WITH HIM), and the way forward is to gently and lovingly support her learning to be more intimate and sexual without any expectations- will probably end poorly.


For some it is easy to diagnose LL4U for example I self diagnosed this. My logic was like:

I used to bang my girlfriend 5x a day
I got married to her
For a while we had sex a lot

Conclusion: this woman is capable of staying up all night screwing for the right man.

Logical leap: if she is not in a relationship with me, what happens? She meets new guy. She likes new guy. She probably banging new guy all night long.

Question: what is preventing me from being that guy?

Answer: the solution to a dead bedroom.

In the OP’s case he doesn’t have the information he needs to make the first LL4U versus LL period step.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> For some it is easy to diagnose LL4U for example I self diagnosed this. My logic was like:
> 
> I used to bang my girlfriend 5x a day
> I got married to her
> ...


Agreed. I’m not suggesting that she’s definitely not low-libido/asexual, just that it’s highly unlikely. Especially since she’s not interested in any physical intimacy with him, including romantic kissing.

Ultimately, yes he/we need more information. I hope he’s open to actually figure out and improve his situation.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> Agreed. I’m not suggesting that she’s definitely not low-libido/asexual, just that it’s highly unlikely. Especially since she’s not interested in any physical intimacy with him, including romantic kissing.
> 
> Ultimately, yes he/we need more information. I hope he’s open to actually figure out and improve his situation.


I love your optimism. I wish I could be more like you. I guess I’ve seen too much around here to remain that positive about these cases.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I love your optimism. I wish I could be more like you. I guess I’ve seen too much around here to remain that positive about these cases.


When you’ve already removed leaving from the table I would tend to agree.

In this case I’m not sure even the threat of that would help.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> When you’ve already removed leaving from the table I would tend to agree.
> 
> In this case I’m not sure even the threat of that would help.


Not every dead bedroom type marriage can be saved, or should be (though I think many can, especially if there’s not been infidelity yet). But there is always a path forward to improve the situation. If nothing else, to position himself and his options going forward.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Guy123456789 said:


> Because we didnt have any pre marital sex


Well I think that's important information. Honestly, I think if a person wasn't sexual enough to have premarital sex, especially if they were no longer a teenager, then they really are just not very sexual. Men or women.

Of course it's also possible that if she remained a virgin for some religious reason that she is already very sexually oppressed and just isn't comfortable with the whole thing. 

As a woman I really believe that a woman learns the most about sex by herself having sex with herself. She has to learn about her own body and get comfortable with that and find out what actually works. can just dive right into having sex with a man and be getting off all the time. 

Did you at least do a lot of heavy petting that led to orgasm before the actual sex itself before you were married?

You know I'm from an old generation that remembers the 50s and 60s even though I was still a little bit young then. Those people did a lot of foreplay to do with hands and very often got each other off and not doing oral. And some of those women say the best sex of their life was before they actually got married at had formal intercourse.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Except that she doesn’t even like to kiss him intimately so...
> 
> There’s more here, she’s not just low drive.


She likes being cozy and close. Sharing a bed naked. Massages. She is just completely sedentary in bed. Likes to be stroked and kissed to sleep, while i am looking for more action, i suspect that she had some sort sort of psychological block when it comes to sex, and when ever she gets highly aroused she just shuts off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How much did you do before you got married? 
I mean you don't just get married and become a sex machine. That's something most people learn gradually before they're even married.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> A few questions:
> How old are you both?
> Have either of you had other partners before each other?
> I assume you avoided premarital sex because of your shared faith, correct?


Correct. We are both each others first partner. What frustrates me most is that she doesn’t seem to care about my sexual needs. Yet she likes going to sleep at the same time in the same bed snuggled together every single night. She likes to feeling of being cherished hugged held tight, but that the extent of her intimacy. She claims she is attracted to me, just gets sexually satisfied quickly, and likes the attention, and closeness from making love but not the actual activity. Maybe i am just lousy at it, and she just doesn’t think i can pleasure her. I mean i just get the feeling that she doesn’t even want to like sex. Maybe i have to come to the realization that i love her, and she doesn’t love me. She claims to love me though.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Guy123456789 said:


> Correct. We are both each others first partner. What frustrates me most is that she doesn’t seem to care about my sexual needs. Yet she likes going to sleep at the same time in the same bed snuggled together every single night. She likes to feeling of being cherished hugged held tight, but that the extent of her intimacy. She claims she is attracted to me, just gets sexually satisfied quickly, and likes the attention, and closeness from making love but not the actual activity. Maybe i am just lousy at it, and she just doesn’t think i can pleasure her. I mean i just get the feeling that she doesn’t even want to like sex. Maybe i have to come to the realization that i love her, and she doesn’t love me. She claims to love me though.


Did she have other boyfriends before you? There are women out there who became kind of self-traumatized by living two lives, one in church, another with boyfriends, and end up reinventing themselves by creating a false narrative they can tell a new guy, a narrative in which they're saving themselves for marriage. Trouble is, it's not just a lie, but it's also something that potentially destroys sexuality for them going forward. They marry someone they believe they can use to escape their past. These are not women you have to worry about cheating on you; they have pretty much thoroughly trashed the concept of sex for enjoyment because it brings back memories they can't stand.

So just a possibility that there could be some degree of sexuality in her past, not from abuse, that is causing her grief. You may not have been her first. And even if you were, there could still be issues along these lines.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Guy123456789 said:


> Correct. We are both each others first partner. What frustrates me most is that she doesn’t seem to care about my sexual needs. Yet she likes going to sleep at the same time in the same bed snuggled together every single night. She likes to feeling of being cherished hugged held tight, but that the extent of her intimacy. She claims she is attracted to me, just gets sexually satisfied quickly, and likes the attention, and closeness from making love but not the actual activity. Maybe i am just lousy at it, and she just doesn’t think i can pleasure her. I mean i just get the feeling that she doesn’t even want to like sex. Maybe i have to come to the realization that i love her, and she doesn’t love me. She claims to love me though.


In my opinion I think there are women that fall into the category of enjoying physical intimacy for the purpose of soothing and relaxing touch. When it comes to touch for the purpose of arousal and pleasure, perhaps those things have a tendency to feel overstimulating and unsettling (like being tickled or rubbed numb). 

For a moment explore the idea that your wife may have a mild form of autism. Not because she actually does but because it gives you a different perspective on how some people enjoy being touched that is very different than others. Those with autism have what is known as sensory issues and tend to gravitate towards things that are soft and very gentle while avoiding things that are harsh and abrasive. This is because the nervous system of someone with autism lacks the ability to filter sensation and the brain is overwhelmed with input when there is too much stimulation. The result is that the person will feel irritated and/or numb. Those with autism tend to have these traits rather pronounced when it comes to the erogenous zones. Things there will be very oversensitive and/or easily numbed by touch. One can overcome this by avoiding the erogenous zones until a high level of arousal has been achieved. Once someone is very aroused, then a form of touch that would have been overstimulating will now be extra pleasurable.

When you snuggle and cuddle with your wife, try encouraging her to keep her bra and underwear on (claim that you think they are sexy and that you enjoy seeing them on her which is likely true). Avoid touching her to arouse her and avoid her erogenous zones. Instead try arousing her by allowing her to touch you and respond to your arousal in ways that give you pleasure. Once she wants you to start touching her, continue to avoid it and allow her arousal to continue building. Avoid touching her to sooth her and calm her down as well, while instead talk to her about how pleasurable it feels when she touches you (you want to use her "responsive desire" as a primary means to arouse her). Then once she is basically pulling you on top of her, then begin pleasuring her gradually building intensity. Perhaps that strategy may have results!

I often read about men that are overeager to please and pleasure their wives and they stimulate too much too soon at which point she becomes numb and looses her mojo. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why do people insist upon being shocked (Shocked, I say!) to discover that women raised in a faith that demands sexual repression of unmarried women, don't turn into sex-crazed nympho hotties the instant the vows are spoken? 

Look, OP, you haven't said what your faith is, but you've said you both abstained from sex prior to marriage because of it. That means that it's highly likely your wife was raised with generations-deep (or worse, new convert zeal) devotion to the notion that "good" women aren't sexual beings. If you think about it, that explains a lot of her behavior. She likes snuggling, being held, being physically affectionate. That, likely according to everything she was raised to understand as true and good, is how good women - women of virtue who are the right sort to be wives and mothers - are wired. Men might be into sex, but a respectable, virtuous, godly women is decidedly _not_. 

I would say that the problem is likely _not_ that she doesn't love you. It's that she's been programmed to express love in "pure" ways and to stay away from all the beastly, corrupting, sexuality that's just part of the nature of men - and the occasional immoral tramp of a woman. It's entirely possible that the arousal you value is a source of deep shame for her, so she's shutting if off before it gets out of control. 

That this notion appears not to have occurred to you, is frankly a little surprising. What sort of messaging did you imagine good girls in your faith community were receiving, from the church, the clergy, their parents, their friends and peer groups, even from men who highly value chaste women? Newsflash, that messaging was likely that "good girls don't." Period. Full stop. 

Would she be open to a book on healthy marital sexuality from an author who shares your faith? I know there are such works from Christian and Jewish authors, and presume they also exist for other faiths. Alternately, is there a faith leader in your community who is sex-positive? And by that, I don't mean someone who will instruct her to 'submit to her husband in all ways,' but someone who will explain to her that sex within marriage can and should be a carnal delight without fear of damnation.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Why do people insist upon being shocked (Shocked, I say!) to discover that women raised in a faith that demands sexual repression of unmarried women, don't turn into sex-crazed nympho hotties the instant the vows are spoken?


Can a brother get an Amen?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I have read stories of women with anorgasmia and a husband that was desperate to try anything to make it work. At some point the husband was able to do it, but the wife (after experiencing an orgasm) was not all that impressed and still did not think having one was of any importance (and for reference this opinion was written from the female perspective). She was also concerned that the means necessary for her to orgasm also served to be rather emasculating to her husband (as it was rather unnatural method).
> 
> So if it is making his wife orgasm that the OP is trying to achieve, he needs to understand that doing so may not even solve any problems.
> 
> In my opinion he is likely struggling with, "wanting to feel wanted" as that seems to be a universal struggle as couples mature and unveil the curtains to see what is actually behind the one called "wanting to please each other." Ultimately one finds the, "I'm tired of pleasing you because you are not easy to please" part of the relationship which leaves one feeling rather unwanted.


Bingo.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> A two part question. Did her sexuality change after marriage, if so when? The other part is if she was like this always, why did you marry her?
> 
> My wife has a very low sex drive compared to mine. For my wife to orgasm, she needs to relax, and totally enter a zen like state where she has no thoughts only aware of sensations. She keeps a pad and pen on her night stand so that she can write things down, so she won't try to remember things. It takes her half an hour to an hour of alone time to cleanse her mind and relax to the point that foreplay will bring her to orgasm. A back/shoulder massage can sometimes help speed things up, but only sometimes.
> 
> ...


I think a lot of women have to just be relaxing and in a Zen state to orgasm and not actually be having to be conscious enough to be participating much. I'm certainly not saying all, but it's not as easy to orgasm if you're being really active at the same time. interruption of speech or movement can be a distraction that put you back to square one.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rowan said:


> Why do people insist upon being shocked (Shocked, I say!) to discover that women raised in a faith that demands sexual repression of unmarried women, don't turn into sex-crazed nympho hotties the instant the vows are spoken?
> 
> Look, OP, you haven't said what your faith is, but you've said you both abstained from sex prior to marriage because of it. That means that it's highly likely your wife was raised with generations-deep (or worse, new convert zeal) devotion to the notion that "good" women aren't sexual beings. If you think about it, that explains a lot of her behavior. She likes snuggling, being held, being physically affectionate. That, likely according to everything she was raised to understand as true and good, is how good women - women of virtue who are the right sort to be wives and mothers - are wired. Men might be into sex, but a respectable, virtuous, godly women is decidedly _not_.
> 
> ...


That was awesome 👏.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think a lot of women have to just be relaxing and in a Zen state to orgasm and not actually be having to be conscious enough to be participating much. I'm certainly not saying all, but it's not as easy to orgasm if you're being really active at the same time. interruption of speech or movement can be a distraction that put you back to square one.


In my opinion you are describing the necessary conditions to compel someone to reach orgasm when they otherwise may have little or no desire to have one to begin with. 

If a woman actually wants an orgasm (or a bunch of them in a row) she will be willing to be very active and even overexert herself to make it happen (perhaps even breaking the frame of the bed in the process!). The only thing the man needs to do is to just hang on to something and stay hard. 

It is possible for the same woman to behave in both manners depending on if she wants it for herself or if she has to make it happen solely for her husband's pleasure. 

Transitioning between those two things is not easy and requires the husband to be the one that maintains a zen state of mind of being very confident and loving in a way that allows his wife to sexually respond however she wants (without it hurting his ego if it doesn't happen).


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would suggest Bioidentical Hormone Seeds. they last a month each, and i have heard they will make her hornier than a teenage girl in the back seat of a car on prom night


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion you are describing the necessary conditions to compel someone to reach orgasm when they otherwise may have little or no desire to have one to begin with.
> 
> If a woman actually wants an orgasm (or a bunch of them in a row) she will be willing to be very active and even overexert herself to make it happen (perhaps even breaking the frame of the bed in the process!). The only thing the man needs to do is to just hang on to something and stay hard.
> 
> ...


I don't think it has to do with want. I know some women can be very active and aggressive in bed and really enjoy it but not orgasm from it because many need to be in the zone for that. Women tell men that all the time but they don't want to believe it because it's not the way they want them to be. Riding the guy doesn't do it for a lot of women. A lot of women need to be fully relaxed to get off, and so a lot of women get off better by themselves, frankly.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i would suggest Bioidentical Hormone Seeds. they last a month each, and i have heard they will make her hornier than a teenage girl in the back seat of a car on prom night


Yeah, but who are they horny for? You may just create a monster who starts lusting for other guys. I think we all wish it was that simple. It's true hormone surges and changes can make you horny and even out of control horny. Been there. But they can't make you only horny for your husband who you got bored of having sex with and only him. So just be careful what you wish for.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Did she have other boyfriends before you? There are women out there who became kind of self-traumatized by living two lives, one in church, another with boyfriends, and end up reinventing themselves by creating a false narrative they can tell a new guy, a narrative in which they're saving themselves for marriage. Trouble is, it's not just a lie, but it's also something that potentially destroys sexuality for them going forward. They marry someone they believe they can use to escape their past. These are not women you have to worry about cheating on you; they have pretty much thoroughly trashed the concept of sex for enjoyment because it brings back memories they can't stand.
> 
> So just a possibility that there could be some degree of sexuality in her past, not from abuse, that is causing her grief. You may not have been her first. And even if you were, there could still be issues along these lines.


So what do you suggest i do. There is definitely some sort of thing causing her grief, just not sure if even she knows what it is


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BTW, best I can tell, the OP never did answer my question about whether he keeps doing what he was doing that got his wife aroused or just bails at that point.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Guy123456789 said:


> So what do you suggest i do. There is definitely some sort of thing causing her grief, just not sure if even she knows what it is


She's just inexperienced and needed to self-explore before diving into a honeymoon.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> BTW, best I can tell, the OP never did answer my question about whether he keeps doing what he was doing that got his wife aroused or just bails at that point.


No op doesn’t bail out after she hits a certain point of arousal she just totally shuts off


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She needs to be having sex with herself all by herself until she gets used to it. To me she sounds like someone who never masturbated.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, but who are they horny for? You may just create a monster who starts lusting for other guys. I think we all wish it was that simple. It's true hormone surges and changes can make you horny and even out of control horny. Been there. But they can't make you only horny for your husband who you got bored of having sex with and only him. So just be careful what you wish for.


so you are saying that because your wife is horny, that automatically means she will cheat?
I mean the husband has to clean up his act too, a little grooming, lose 10 lbs, hit the gym, get some 2021's clothing to wear....

but basically the assumption here is that she will be faithful, just lost the urge to have sex. It likely is because of hormones. so new hormones should be like a wayback machine, taking her libido back ten years or so.

besides, what does the guy have to lose? An eternity in a sexless marriage? Time to roll those dice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No I'm not saying that, but it could make her more vulnerable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> She's 'happy' (which I doubt), but you're not happy. Have you told her that you're not? Also, I would absolutely demand that both of you see a sex therapist, regardless of if she's happy. You are not, which means there is an issue. Also, you didn't mention anything about oral sex....* either you're not doing it, or you're not good at it.*


I disagree with the statement in bold. Highly disagree.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree with the statement in bold. Highly disagree.


LOL. Why?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Guy123456789 said:


> So what do you suggest i do. There is definitely some sort of thing causing her grief, just not sure if even she knows what it is


I'm suggesting you ask her. Find out about her experiences before you, if there was anything that she was ashamed to tell you. You've got to do this is a non-accusatory fashion because if what I'm suggesting is true, she's going to be really defensive and dig in.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Guy123456789 said:


> She likes being cozy and close. Sharing a bed naked. Massages. She is just completely sedentary in bed. Likes to be stroked and kissed to sleep, while i am looking for more action, i suspect that she had some sort sort of psychological block when it comes to sex, and when ever she gets highly aroused she just shuts off.


Those are nice, safe, comfort providing things. None of them really sexual or desire related. The bottom line is that something is going on here and it needs to get dealt with. It is not a healthy sexual relationship, which is a key pillar of marriage. And it’s not just her losing interest quickly during sex, etc. it’s the intimacy, the lack of kissing with tongue is a huge red flag that I’m not sure exactly where to place.

She has some kind of aversion to having a real sexual, man/woman connection with you. The question is why. It’s either her or you, so the likely options are:

-Its her. She has some kind of psychological / mental / emotional aversion to sexual intimacy and desire in general. This is a massive problem for a marriage and it’s clearly a problem for you, so even if she doesn’t think it’s a problem, it is. And it’s an existential problem that will destroy your marriage if you don’t deal with it. If this is the scenario, you need to insist on counseling to work on the issue. You need to make it clear to her that your marriage is not healthy from a sexual intimacy standpoint and she needs to work with you on it. Just be careful that you don’t get fooled into thinking she’s not sexual, if she really just doesn’t feel sexual WITH YOU.

-it’s you. She’s just not that attracted to / aroused by you. She may like you, she may love you, but she’s not really in love with you. You were a good, safe option for her. She will never tell you this by the way, so her words mean very little and her actions tell you everything. That would explain her lack of desire for intimacy and kissing. It would explain the fact that she can get a little aroused by some physical touching but then quickly turns it off when she gets into the moment.
if this is the case, it will continue to get worse over time and you are in for a very unsatisfying marriage at best.
So what to do if this is the problem...
You need to become a man that she is sexually attracted to. You need to be more attractive, and less unattractive. And that’s a whole conversation itself though.

Either way, you need to take action to improve your situation. Don’t let her or anyone else convince you that your current situation is OK and that’s just the way it’s going to be for you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She needs to be having sex with herself all by herself until she gets used to it. To me she sounds like someone who never masturbated.


Actually in sex therapy sessions the ST asked my wife if she masturbated. She said she never has. If she feels the need, she has a husband for that. The ST asked me it I thought she ever masturbated. I said no.

The ST asked a lot of questions. What my wife said that I really believe was that in the Catholic girls school the nuns told her and the other girls that masturbation was a horrible sin and that it required confession. My wife said that the last thing a shy young girl would ever want to do was confess to some middle aged male priest that she had masturbated and then be told her penance and to not do it again. 

I still think that my 71 year old wife has never masturbated herself. She does enjoy a good orgasm, just not as often as I do.

My point is that the Original Posters wife never having premarital sex plus not masturbating sounds to me like someone who grew up in a sexually repressed environment. 

I really believe that much of marriage is learned behavior from watching parents interactions and the interactions of close friends and relatives. I would suspect that the OP's wife's parents were not real physical.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think even with religious suppression, if a young person is very sexual, they will find some way to justify masturbation. it's the best way for women to find out about their own body and what works.


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## Guy123456789 (Mar 11, 2021)

Guess what my wife agreed to see a sex therapist. Will see what happens


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Guy123456789 said:


> Guess what my wife agreed to see a sex therapist. Will see what happens


Good news I hope it works out for you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You just proved me wrong. I would have never guessed she would have agreed.
I hope as your thread progresses you continue to defy the odds !

🤞


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No I'm not saying that, but it could make her more vulnerable.


Take a woman not happy in her relationship and throw in testosterone and you have a recipe for adultry and divorce. 

Dr once gave my wife too much testosterone and she was insatiable. She was in sales and did not go to work for a week due to changing her panties 3-4 times a day. She said she could not do her job for thinking about us. She was miserable as she was horny non stop but i was at work. Even after we made love she was ready to go in 5 min. She told me month later. I said WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME!!! She thought if she jumped my bones too often i would get bored with her. I would have taken a weeks vacation, just come out of bedroom for food/water. 😋


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Are you willing to ditch her if nothing changes?


The best of outcomes, the worst of choices.

All done for that short-lived tingly feeling.

Such was THE PLAN. 

Females must never go without freshly laid seeds.

Pregnancy is that mandate, before eating, before all else.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Except that she doesn’t even like to kiss him intimately so...
> 
> There’s more here, she’s not just low drive.


Maybe..

She knows that kissing intimately will lead to more of what she wants to avoid.

The question then becomes, is she LD , or only with him in mind?

Does she enjoy erotic films, romantic books. On the sly, of course.

Sexual rejection is often caused by past hurt feelings, holding some grudge. Resentment.

Or, getting no enjoyment out of it, to the point, where neither should the partner. This could be simple selfishness on her part.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, but who are they horny for? You may just create a monster who starts lusting for other guys. I think we all wish it was that simple. It's true hormone surges and changes can make you horny and even out of control horny. Been there. But they can't make you only horny for your husband who you got bored of having sex with and only him. So just be careful what you wish for.


Hmm....

And, the alternative is?

He isn't getting much, or any loving now.

When your back is against the cold wall, roll the dice!


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## jjwilson3320 (Mar 24, 2021)

Guy123456789 said:


> Hi i have been in a relationship for a couple of years, and i cant seem to figure how to make my wife cum. Like she starts getting aroused and than abruptly she just fizzles out. She is bored during intercourse and just wants to get it over with. I have spoken to her many times about and she says she is happy with our sex life, she just doesn’t enjoy sexual activity so much, and not everybody is into sex. She also doesn’t like kissing with tongue. I am really frustrated that i cant pleasure her properly. I have read a lot of literature on the topic but nothing seems to help. I am open to seing a sex therapist, but like i said my wife is happy with the status quo, and is not interested.


My wife and I had same thing. We brought same sex activity and it changed things. She had sex with a woman, i had sex with a man, separate from each other. We talked about the advantages and there were no disadvantages we decided. That was more than 15 years ago. We have another married couple who we play with First dinner than we go to one house, separate bedrooms and the guys get together and tge women get together. We started swimming naked and sit around naked. No m-f touching only same sex. Our marriage has been stronger ever since. Most people who do nott or did not like intercourse coukd easily be introduced to same sex activity, not orgies, just sex with one person


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jjwilson3320 said:


> My wife and I had same thing. We brought same sex activity and it changed things. She had sex with a woman, i had sex with a man, separate from each other. We talked about the advantages and there were no disadvantages we decided. That was more than 15 years ago. We have another married couple who we play with First dinner than we go to one house, separate bedrooms and the guys get together and tge women get together. We started swimming naked and sit around naked. No m-f touching only same sex. Our marriage has been stronger ever since. Most people who do nott or did not like intercourse coukd easily be introduced to same sex activity, not orgies, just sex with one person


Really…
OP is having serious sex and intimacy problems in his marriage, and your recommendation is… just go gay! Open your marriage up to joint homosexual lovers.

I suspect you’re actually just a troll with nothing better to do - so my best advice: ok, that was actually kind of funny when you think about it. Now come out of the basement, it’s nice up here.

On the off chance that you’re actually serious, here’s the reality: it’s one thing to throw your bizarre marital situation out there for feedback, ok sure.
But don’t try to give anyone any advice or recommendations based on your situation, ever. It’s completely inapplicable to 99.999% of the people and scenarios here (or anywhere else for that matter), and completely ridiculous.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Obviously, I'm a bit biased, but I think this book is right up your alley: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.* It was written for guys in your exact situation. Give it a shot and let us know what you think.


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