# Is this reason to get upset?



## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues. 

He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no. 

I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy". 

Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues. 

By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm. 

At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7. 

He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different. 

He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong. 

I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset. 

He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else. 

This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication. 

We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends. 

But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff. 

When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BellaV said:


> My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues. He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no. I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy". Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues. By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm. At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7. He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different. He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong. I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset. He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else. This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication. We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends. But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff. When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?


It sounds odd. He is minimizing his behavior at least. If I were you, and it happens again, I might consider showing up, without telling him, just to see what exactly he is doing. Are there any female colleagues there? He could be doing nothing wrong, but he was inconsiderate of your time, and not very truthful...I think he just didn't want you there. Not sure why though. 

I would consider doing the same thing to him though, I know it seems childish, but sometimes spouses need a taste of their own medicine.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

It was rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless.
I can understand the office politics.
I can understand the 15-20 minute "Passthru."
However, the fact that he didn't do what he said he was going to do, and leaving you hanging with dinner is inexcusable.
You have every right to be pissed. If he does it again, show up unannounced and get the first hand story.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Often times these after work happy hours are also part of the company culture. Usually the person who avoids them is at a disadvantage when it comes time for promotions and new positions. He should have just told you that he'd be home late, he was trying to soften the blow which obviously didn't work.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Many times when you go to these events, to make your presence for a short time and then dip out but you get coworkers or sometimes even a manager, rag on you for wanting to leave quickly, so you end up feeling obligated to stay longer. I do think he should have called or at least texted you out courtesy but if this is the first time he’s done this, cut him some slack. You’ve already said your peace and I’m sure he will be more thoughtful next time.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Insisting on a really short chain I guess. Bummer for him.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

I would suggest going to the next one. If he suddenly wants to leave early, you will know he just doesn't want you there. If you are enjoying yourself and he wants to leave, tell him you will be along shortly and then stay as long as you want.


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> It sounds odd. He is minimizing his behavior at least. If I were you, and it happens again, I might consider showing up, without telling him, just to see what exactly he is doing. Are there any female colleagues there? He could be doing nothing wrong, but he was inconsiderate of your time, and not very truthful...I think he just didn't want you there. Not sure why though.
> 
> I would consider doing the same thing to him though, I know it seems childish, but sometimes spouses need a taste of their own medicine.


All very good ideas if it happens again! I hate the idea of doing the same thing to him but sometimes I think he really doesn't know what it feels like since no one has ever done it to him. At least, as far as I know. I also wondered if he just didn't want me there but if that were the case then he didn't need to invite me at all. I have no problem with him doing things on his own. My beef is with him not communicating when plans change. As far as female colleagues...that did cross my mind --- but then why invite me? My darkest thoughts were that he wanted to go alone because there was a female he wanted to chat with but he also wanted to be a "nice guy" so half-heartedly invited me knowing I would decline and then he could go by himself with a "clear conscience". I sure hope that wasn't the case!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BellaV said:


> As far as female colleagues...that did cross my mind --- but then why invite me?


He could have done that so you wouldn't seem suspicious. I can see you are not the jealous type, you have a healthy attachment, it's just the fact that he didn't respect you or your time, and didn't honor his promise to be home when he said he would. I would keep an eye on it. But I'd say go next time just to scope it out, and see if anyone acts odd, especially any women. Know your surroundings, or his rather.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Annoyed yes. Upset? Seems a bit over the top.

He should have called. You made dinner and were inconvenienced. He didn't seem to care. That's an issue that needs to be addressed. Make it clear that you expected him home earlier based on what he said and a phone call was in order. At the very least next time he goes out and doesn't call, don't make dinner for him. It doesn't solve the underlying issue which is his lack of consideration and respect, but it's better than nothing.

Anything else he might or might not have been doing with someone else is unsubstantiated and for the purposes of your question are irrelevant.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When alcohol is taken in, time goes out the window.

When that manic high goes low, then it is time to skedaddle, to go home to Momma.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I understand why you're upset. My husband has done this before too and it drives me nuts. I have no problem with him going out with his friends or workmates, if plans change let me know, that's all I ask.

I don't care if he comes home at 8pm or midnight, just be where he said he'd be, when he said he'd be there.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

He should have communicated, and he should also know that sometimes social situations like that, time flies.

The fact that he was so reassuring about his plan ahead of time, to me indicates that he is eager to try to do what you want and perhaps afraid to just tell the truth about his potential plans.

Do you jump on him often? I think you also could have texted him and it was somewhat of game to not and then get upset.

I get what you are upset about and you are correct that he should have contacted you, but I'm just trying to read between the lines of why he would do what he did, and it comes off to me that he might be a little afraid of your responses to things.


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

I think I'm pretty easygoing about most things. If he had said he didn't know how long he'd be, I would've been okay with that because then I could've just gone about my evening not waiting for him to return at an assumed time. I wasn't trying to play a game by not texting. Truth is I was afraid to text and not get a response. Unfortunately this scenario has happened before and when I tried contacting him, he didn't respond which felt really awful. We've talked a lot about communicating better in these situations but he continues to be inconsistent and I never know when it's going to happen so I'm caught off guard. It's an interesting idea that he might be a little afraid of my responses to things and thus overcompensating by saying what he thinks I want to hear. That could possibly be the case but I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm communicated with in a reasonable manner I'm totally okay with things. And I don't have to be communicated with often --- one text or call when plans change is sufficient. I have repeatedly told him very clearly and concisely what I expect from him (to keep in touch if plans change) but rather than being passive like I have been, I'm going to change my response if this crap happens again! I like the idea of not making dinner regardless of the plans. I also like the idea of showing up if he doesn't communicate - that might backfire but at least I won't be sitting at home fretting. And of course I can just do my own thing if he doesn't show up as expected - like go out for a really nice dinner or movie on his dime - ha-ha! I think coming home to a dark house is a good consequence. If he does this again in the same way --- inviting me but not really --- I could tell him okay but then I'm going out for the evening too and he can pay for it. This sounds much more empowered.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I have done this before. Told my wife just stopping in at this thing, end up having a couple drinks. Go to leave and friends say, “Do you do everything your wife says? Do you call for permission to wipe your ass?” Etc… a couple more drinks, next thing you know it 40 mins turns into 5 hours and an angry wife.

You’re not wrong.

With that said there’s a little window into how it happens. 

Do you want your husband to be the guy everyone at work says “meow” to? He should have called sure. I haven’t done it in a very long time like before text messaging, that seems to give you an easy out if you’re the guy. Did you text him?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BellaV said:


> My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.
> 
> He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.
> 
> ...


I think you're right, as a point of consideration, that he should have called you and told you that he couldn't be back until about midnight.
It would have left your evening free for yourself to enjoy, instead of half-waiting for him to show up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BellaV said:


> My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.
> 
> He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.
> 
> ...


No he was being a ****!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

2&out said:


> Insisting on a really short chain I guess. Bummer for him.


Not necessarily - she was understanding - until he made a liar out of himself.

He was rude and didn’t consider her feelings.
I’d be pissed… it’s like he pulled a fast one on her. I’d want to know why.

He could have just been honest. But instead he was a jerk about it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wonder if he would be upset if you went on a GNO and said you would be on by 12 and did not call and drug in at 6am? No different.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He had to know before 4pm they all planned to go out.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d want to know if that’s where he really was. The fact that he wasn’t concerned about how you felt is even more concerning to me.

Does he usually discount your feelings?


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Good point. If he's does something that hurts me emotionally and I tell him how I feel, he shuts down, rationalizes his behavior, ignores my feelings while excusing his behavior, or sometimes gets upset with me for being upset. It's strange. Unfortunately his response makes me try harder to make him understand how I am feeling and that never works.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BellaV said:


> Good point. If he's does something that hurts me emotionally and I tell him how I feel, he shuts down, rationalizes his behavior, ignores my feelings while excusing his behavior, or sometimes gets upset with me for being upset. It's strange. Unfortunately his response makes me try harder to make him understand how I am feeling and that never works.


This right here is your marital issue. Some people are unfit to be good partners. It sounds like he is one of them. 

The only thing that will make him change his way of relating is himself, and it would take him a lot of work to change his core personality. 

What are you going to do about this?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BellaV said:


> Good point. If he's does something that hurts me emotionally and I tell him how I feel, he shuts down, rationalizes his behavior, ignores my feelings while excusing his behavior, or sometimes gets upset with me for being upset. It's strange. Unfortunately his response makes me try harder to make him understand how I am feeling and that never works.


This is a very unhealthy man emotionally. Have you ever done any professional counseling with him? 
If he is unable to acknowledge how you feel and work on those actions that cause those feelings - I would think you’d be left feeling very empty with a partner like that. Betrayed even….mainly by him acting like you shouldn’t be allowed to “feel anything”.


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

I've done some marital counseling in the past but he won't go. He'll read books though and we've read some together to help improve communication. He's trying to change and be more empathetic. I've seen improvement in the past several years...so much so that when something like the above happens it throws me off and makes me worried he might be returning to old patterns. It makes me question --- did he really just blow me off like he used to?? And then I feel doubly hurt because we've been working so hard to make our marriage more successful. I guess time will tell. FYI --- he's been very apologetic in the past few days. He knows he blew it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BellaV said:


> I've done some marital counseling in the past but he won't go. He'll read books though and we've read some together to help improve communication. He's trying to change and be more empathetic. I've seen improvement in the past several years...so much so that when something like the above happens it throws me off and makes me worried he might be returning to old patterns. It makes me question --- did he really just blow me off like he used to?? And then I feel doubly hurt because we've been working so hard to make our marriage more successful. I guess time will tell. FYI --- he's been very apologetic in the past few days. He knows he blew it.


Or he knows he blew it in staying out too long that you might check on him more often and then he'll be busted for his work affair.

I hope it isn't that but he's got some red flags here. You should do due diligence like checking the phone bill or looking at his phone for apps like whats app, snat chat, dating sites and such.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s frustrating when one partner in any marriage has to lead around the other to understand their feelings. It shows two people who who aren’t a good match. Either that or he purposely plays dumb so he can have an affair.

have you double checked everything to even see if he’s having an affair?

it’s odd - you do marital counseling alone? Doesn’t that strike you as odd? It shows the crux of the problem here.


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Yeah - his behavior when he pulls this crap does not look good. To me if plans change you communicate because it is respectful to the other person. I don't agree with the idea that men look like wimps if they communicate changes. I really don't think he's having an affair but I do think he's being selfish. He made an excuse that it didn't occur to him to call because I was okay about him doing the event. It took me fighting with him to get him to see that just because I was ok about the event doesn't excuse his failure to communicate a change in plans. He was not like this when we dated or were first married. About 7 years into the marriage he started acting like this...slowly at first and then it got really bad for another 10 years or so. I almost left him. I did counseling, we read books, I set expectations and boundaries, we did lots of talking (me mostly) and things have been better overall. So I'd say 90% of the time things are good now. He's a great provider, handsome, fun to do things with, etc. He's never been great sharing his feelings or deep thoughts. I thought he'd change in that regard the longer we were together but I know now it was a mistake to think that. Regardless, we have lots of good memories together. The selfish behavior does not happen much now but when it does it really throws me off.
This is the pattern when selfish crap happens...
1) He does not do what he says he's going to do.
2) He doesn't communicate when plans change.
3) He makes excuses for his behavior.
4) He discounts and minimizes my feelings.
5) He doesn't apologize unless I fight for it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Those unloving qualities you just listed would make me want a relationship with myself instead of a man who didn’t share feelings, makes excuses for bad behavior and won’t apologize when he hurts me. Minimizing MY feelings alone would make me leave him!

why do you keep fighting for this abusive relationship when he acts like it’s NOT a partnership?
His behavior is NOT loving behavior!


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

I've reread everyone's posts and really appreciate your advice and feedback. Lots to think about and do. Thank you!


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

I've been in a similar situation. What worked was putting systems in place.

He may not be able to understand your feelings, but he can easily understand emotionless rules. 

Example : when he's out like this, he agrees to set a vibrate alarm to text you once an hour on the hour with a status update. He agrees to reply if you send back a question. He agrees to come home if you start feeling abandoned. You agree to keep messages short and not start long txt conversations that may interfere with what he's doing. Etc. You two set the boundaries and perhaps consequences together.

The system is independent from either of you, it is a third entity, simply the law, and you both agree to abide by it. If there's a violation, the guilty party is easy to spot. Results are clear and arguments less lengthy and emotional.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I understand why you're upset. My husband has done this before too and it drives me nuts. I have no problem with him going out with his friends or workmates, if plans change let me know, that's all I ask.
> 
> I don't care if he comes home at 8pm or midnight, just be where he said he'd be, when he said he'd be there.


I know I'm late replying to your post but I deal with this exact issue in my marriage a lot. It sounds like it might just be a once in awhile thing with your husband. 

What I've learned is that I had to decide how much of a boundary I wanted to set on this issue. I knew that my husband was never going to tell me the truth about how long he will be at work or will be coming home. In my husbands case he loves his job and he loses track of time. It used to make me really mad and we'd fight about it, but nothing ever changed. I think some of the issue was he was trying to be "nice" and avoid an argument by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear (I'll only stop by for a quick moment and be right home!) and some of it was truly losing track of time. His work is his priority and he gives 100% of his attention to it. When he is involved in something at work or with colleagues he is not thinking of anything else... not his wife or kids at home. 

I used to fight with him about it, and one day I just stopped. Nothing was ever changing. I realized that if he did come home because I nagged him about it, it's not like we were spending quality time together. He was annoyed with me for calling him home and I was annoyed with him too. So really, what was the point in forcing him home when neither of us were happy with each other anyway? I decided this was not an issue worth divorcing over and that I did not feel good fighting for his time. I let it go. 

When he is at work I do not ask him when he will be home. When he goes to a function he might tell me he will be home at 6 and I'll just smile and say ok, dear. I do not plan for him to be home. I do not have dinner waiting for him. If he is home for dinner, great, but if he is not the kids and I have dinner together and I'll leave a plate for him in the fridge. It relieved a lot of pressure on me to feel like I was waiting for him all of the time. Now I've got my own things to do in the evenings and our kids have so much going on, I'm usually not home myself when he gets home. I don't text him or ask for updates when he's not home and if I want to go to bed and he's not here, then I go to bed. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I know I'm late replying to your post but I deal with this exact issue in my marriage a lot. It sounds like it might just be a once in awhile thing with your husband.
> 
> What I've learned is that I had to decide how much of a boundary I wanted to set on this issue. I knew that my husband was never going to tell me the truth about how long he will be at work or will be coming home. In my husbands case he loves his job and he loses track of time. It used to make me really mad and we'd fight about it, but nothing ever changed. I think some of the issue was he was trying to be "nice" and avoid an argument by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear (I'll only stop by for a quick moment and be right home!) and some of it was truly losing track of time. His work is his priority and he gives 100% of his attention to it. When he is involved in something at work or with colleagues he is not thinking of anything else... not his wife or kids at home.
> 
> ...


Yes, it was a one time thing with my hubby, we're all good. He still goes out sometimes but is either always home when he said he would be, or if he's going to be late, he lets me know. Perfectly reasonable imo


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

BellaV said:


> Am I wrong to feel this way?


Yes 
He just went for a pint after work and it turned into a session. Sounds like good craik.

(If you can't do the same or he does it all the time it might be different.)


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

I can relate to what you all are saying, especially the post above about the husband being passionate about his work. My husband is the same. During the pandemic he worked from home and I got to see his work firsthand --- tons of calls, deadlines, connecting with government officials, etc. It's insane but he loves it and I can see how he could easily lose track of time. Early on in our marriage we worked out the working late thing and he's pretty good about calling if he's going to be late. One call is sufficient and I can juggle dinner or my activities as I want. He has no problem warming up dinner or making his own if I'm at a meeting or whatever. The problem was not with work but a social event AFTER work and not letting me know when his plans changed. I suppose if I'd never gone through weirdness associated with this kind of behavior then I'd be okay with no communication. But I have and so I admit to some sensitivity and a preference for keeping in touch when plans change --- just one call or text is sufficient. His difficulty acknowledging my feelings if I'm upset is another matter and we are working on this. This problem only comes up once in awhile now (thank goodness) but it's still an issue that I want resolved for my own wellbeing.


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Resu said:


> Yes
> He just went for a pint after work and it turned into a session. Sounds like good craik.
> 
> (If you can't do the same or he does it all the time it might be different.)


Problem is we went through a number of years where he was saying one thing and doing another and that is not acceptable to me. I have no problem at all with him going out and he knows it. All I ask is that he do what he says he's going to do. If he makes a HUGE deal about not staying out long then I think it's reasonable to assume he means it. If he calls to say plans have changed, that's okay! Respect my time by communicating. He would not be happy if I didn't do what I said I was going to do and, especially, if I didn't communicate when plans changed. But I've never done that to him so he doesn't know what it feels like.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BellaV said:


> But I've never done that to him so he doesn't know what it feels like.


It might be time to correct this malfunction.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> He had to know before 4pm they all planned to go out.


That's not always the case. Place I used to work at the Managing Director would sometimes say at about 5.00pm "Whose up for a drink at the 'Spoons? Company is paying!" Our finishing time was 5.30pm.

Some of us went along. I phoned my wife and told her I'd be late. I texted her a few times and left at 8pm.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BellaV said:


> I've reread everyone's posts and really appreciate your advice and feedback. Lots to think about and do. Thank you!


Only way he will get it us to experience it. Go out with froends to club. Be back at 12 or 2am...which ever. Then go crash at another girl friends house and shut your phone off. Tell club friend what you are doing but tell her if he calls tell him she was at the club when she left. 

Go to other friends till about 6am. When he gets pissy tell him...but you knew i was going to hang out with friends. When he is still upset..tell hom now you understand!


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## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Yup - that would get his attention for sure!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Di


BellaV said:


> Problem is we went through a number of years where he was saying one thing and doing another and that is not acceptable to me. I have no problem at all with him going out and he knows it. All I ask is that he do what he says he's going to do. If he makes a HUGE deal about not staying out long then I think it's reasonable to assume he means it. If he calls to say plans have changed, that's okay! Respect my time by communicating. He would not be happy if I didn't do what I said I was going to do and, especially, if I didn't communicate when plans changed. But I've never done that to him so he doesn't know what it feels like.


Does HE realize how this makes him look really really bad? He makes himself look untrustworthy. He’s not good for his word.
Most wives would assume he is covering something up. Does he realize that too?

It makes it “appear” as a situation of a person who cheats (even if it’s once in a while).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A man's word is his bond. If he doesn't keep his word, he can't be trusted. Men used to take pride in this.


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## Whybother (Oct 8, 2021)

He has taken you for granted. From your post it appears that you have a full schedule with he kids do he has time to do as he wants while you take care of the kids. Your schedule is set and he knows the you take care of the children which leaves him tim to be selfish, manipulative, and act like an entitled bleep hole. Why let you know what is going on when he can come home blame you for his actions of not being honest or communicating with you. When I say him being honest is who knows other than him if this was his intention after all. 

Some people do not understand what you are saying but do understand actions. I would not go as far as staying out till 2am but have him take the children to their activities and make plans to go out with friends. And don't check in.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Only way he will get it us to experience it. Go out with froends to club. Be back at 12 or 2am...which ever. Then go crash at another girl friends house and shut your phone off. Tell club friend what you are doing but tell her if he calls tell him she was at the club when she left.
> 
> Go to other friends till about 6am. When he gets pissy tell him...but you knew i was going to hang out with friends. When he is still upset..tell hom now you understand!


This is terrible advice and way over the top. If someone is on here because their spouse has a bad behavior, advising the poster to repeat the bad behavior back or one up it is not helpful at all. What you suggest above is exactly the kind of thing that we tell posters on the infidelity board to divorce over and could do long term damage to the relationship.

Out with the coworkers until after dinner is fully different than going to a club and not coming home that night.

The guy needs to send a text next time or invite her.... she doesn't need to fake like she is cheating on him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why are YOU questioning IF you should feel this way?
Of course you already know you feel upset! So deal with the fact that ARE upset and have every right to feel what you feel.
Since his behavior caused you to be upset - tell him that - ask him how he plans to DO things differently for you.

But discounting how you feel… NO…WAY! That’s even MORE disrespectful!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BellaV said:


> My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.
> 
> He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.
> 
> ...


What time did he get home?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

re16 said:


> This is terrible advice and way over the top. If someone is on here because their spouse has a bad behavior, advising the poster to repeat the bad behavior back or one up it is not helpful at all. What you suggest above is exactly the kind of thing that we tell posters on the infidelity board to divorce over and could do long term damage to the relationship.
> 
> Out with the coworkers until after dinner is fully different than going to a club and not coming home that night.
> 
> The guy needs to send a text next time or invite her.... she doesn't need to fake like she is cheating on him.


He was supposedly at a bar and was is till not home at 8:45pm. She did not say what time he came back. 

I suppose it would be better to "run a present by" a friends birthday party at the club/bar, and then drag in late that night would be comparable. She does not have to do a good for the goose scenario but by his statement...i dont think he will "get it" otherwise.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> He was supposedly at a bar and was is till not home at 8:45pm. She did not say what time he came back.
> 
> I suppose it would be better to "run a present by" a friends birthday party at the club/bar, and then drag in late that night would be comparable. She does not have to do a good for the goose scenario but by his statement...i dont think he will "get it" otherwise.


I agree. I think he needs a wake up call and returning his behavior with similar behavior is correct.


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