# Complicated...



## UnsureInFL (Jul 21, 2009)

I am 38 years old and married now for 14 months to my wife that I had 6 year relationship with prior to marriage. We have a 5 year old son...up until October of 2007 we lived separately and had a tumultuous relationship. This was mainly in part due to my drug use (alcohol and cocaine - $200 a day) and depression caused by it. On Sep 27, 2007 I attempted suicide and at the last minute she found me in my car in my garage and saved me. (Thank God!) I was hospitalized for 3 days and then moved in with her and my son after that. 
Since that day have since been clean and sober...today is day number 663 without drugs or alcohol. I am college educated, former military and up until the drug use had always been moving forward in my career and salary. I was lucky and by the grace of God found a wonderful job that pays me almost what I was making before my usage started and have been here since 12/07. On Valentine’s Day of 2008 I proposed to my GF…actually I had our son bring her the ring and ask her "Mommy, will you marry my daddy?" and it was a very special moment for all three of us and we cried and hugged together as she said yes.
Now the part I don't understand...Since I moved in with her, there is zero intimacy between us. Our sex life is practically nonexistent. We have sex maybe 1 -2 times a month and only if I ask her to please make time for me and then it is the same every time with no kissing or foreplay. This is a total reversal from the way things used to be...we used to have crazy good sex, sometimes twice a day and always very intense and passionate. Now, we have not 'kissed' each other since before my suicide attempt (over 22 months). Sure there are pecks on the lips or cheek when I leave for work at 5:30AM every day, or when she gets in at 6:30 at night, but no intimate kisses. If I travel for work, which is maybe 8 times a year for a week at a time, when I return, there is no hug or kiss, hell she didn't even get up off the couch last time I came in. I tried to lean over and kiss her goodnight and she pushes me out of the way because I blocked her view of the TV…A couple of weeks ago after a hard day at work I told her I need a hug. She looked at me from the couch and asked if that meant she had to get up. How am I supposed to react to that? She actually told me to ‘get out’ a few weeks ago when I sent a text message to a (male) friend in another city asking if he was going to be in town at a certain time because I might be going to a training class for work in that area. She was furious that I had not told her first that I was going to training and wanted me to get out of the house. I tried to explain that the training class was not set yet, I was just looking at cities where the class was offered and I might be able to see some old high school friends…Instead of leaving I just got back in bed and told her to leave me alone (yes, she woke me up to start this fight after going through my text messages on my phone)
Over the last 20 months I have tried to explain to her that we need to work on our relationship and intimacy. I have been on my knees, literally crying and begging her to help me make this work. If not for us, then let’s do it for our son. I have asked that she go to counseling but she said it wouldn’t matter because I would just tell the counselor how bad she was. I try to temper my comments so I am not making her look bad, but explain to her what I need in this relationship, which isn’t much. I do most chores around the house. I cook probably 40% of the time, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, clean bathrooms, do the laundry all the time, do the yard work, go to the store, etc. I also have no problems helping with our son with bath time, bike rides, tee ball, whatever. I love being a father for him and make time to spend with him, even to give her time alone. 
She has said that I need to be patient with her because I did major damage by choosing drugs over her and our son when I was using. I understand that my decision to use drugs was horrendous and did a lot of damage to our relationship, but how long can she use this as a reason for the way she acts toward me? It's coming up on 2 years and nothing has changed...I do love her; I think this has been demonstrated by my patience and willingness to try anything to make this work.
I am at the point where I am seriously considering divorce…I hate to do it but to be honest the only reason I am still here at this point is our son. I love him dearly and it will be very hard on him and me to not be around each other all the time. We have a wonderful father/son relationship and it kills me to think about it while I’m writing this. I just can’t continue to live unhappy and unfulfilled in our marriage. Am I being unrealistic with this? Am I wrong for wanting an intimate relationship with my wife? I need some input and thoughts…I am terribly confused as to what to do.


----------



## VeryUnhappy (Jul 14, 2009)

It sounds like she's just making excuses for not wanting to have sex. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore so that's what it seems like from my perspective but I could be wrong. I only stay because of financial reasons.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

You're not wrong for wanting an intimate relationship with her but you have to understand something...sex is very emotional for a woman and you foolishly tried to end your life...she is not wanting to have that intimacy with you in case you fall off the wagon or if you try again to end your life.

It's easier to keep you at a distance and she is going to until such time as she feel secure enough that you won't return to the addictions or she feels like you won't try and end your life again.

Yes, you're struggling emotionally and you need her...my guess is she is struggling in the same way, only keeping hers inside.

You have a long way to go with this...major damage was done and it's not going to heal or go away...even though it's been blah, blah, blah months...

Preacher


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Well UnsureinFL....

I am proud of you because you managed to be clean until now. I understand how hard that was to be in your situation. 

There is nothing wrong about wanting the intimacy with your wife. you need it..we all need it...I know how frustrated we could be when we couldn't fulfill this needs. 

As a woman...It isn't that hard not to have sex. woman can deal not to have sex for months but man can't (at least this is what my H told me). 

Why don't you take her in holiday or another honeymoon. try to create a romantic moment. Bring her some flowers or make some surprise for her. Woman love this. Just try it...then maybe you can talk...heart to heart...and maybe it can lead to something else.

I hate to see you apart from your family and I know it's not easy for you nor for her. Just remember things that make you together. and I hope it would help you. 

I hope love is enough to save the marriage but it's not always the case....


----------

