# Had the talk....now feel terrible....



## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

Hi All,

some of you know my story. Going on 12 yrs married, 20 years together, 2 small children and little intimacy for years with emotional disconnect on my part. did councelling and now in IC. 

I had another chat with H last night and to say the least it didn't go well. I struggle with major anxiety when it comes to talking to H and I just had to because I could feel myself going back into depression. Well he cried, vomitted, yelled and turned it all around on me. I didn't expect a great reaction to be honest and I'll give him all those things because he has a right to feel the way he does as do I. 

He is hurting and extremely upset yet this shouldn't come as a surprise. We did a trial speration for a month in the summer and haven't talked about it since. 

I feel terrible that he's hurting and as always feel like I'm gonna stay because I feel bad. But then I remember all the suffering in silence that I do and now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be strong for our kids but what we've been doing all these years isn't working or fair to anyone. 

Anyone feel like this?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What was your talk about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

I told him that we needed to discuss our relationship and that I'm tired of both of us pretending that everything is ok when it's not. How after all the years of rejection I can't flip a switch to have feelings for him again (as a lover). He said I was punishing him and I'm not. I've kept the peace for many years at the expense of my own health. I told him we had to end this because it's not fair to anyone. He said I haven't tried hard enough to fix it. I'm the one in therapy and he's sitting doing nothing because he says I'm the one with the problem. He said he doesn't know why we only were intimate on average 4x a year for 10 years but it's the past. I can't rugsweep anymore. He says he loves me but honestly over the years I haven't felt he does at all. Hes a great father and helps around the house but emotionally and physically we've been apart for years.


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## parisjakson (Jan 19, 2012)

I must appreciate this post. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress, but they all require change. You can either, change the situation or change your reaction. 
---
Counseling NYC


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## Almost30 (Jan 19, 2012)

Lovemybabies, I can relate wholeheartedly to your situation. I hope you can find the strength to find happiness. I hope I can too.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like you all got some resentments, baggage, walls built with these having piled up and to open the door theres got to be some concession on his part. How to bring that about is going to take a professional to facilitate the conversation. I think this inability to really communicate and get all that out is part of why my marriage ended. My ex sounds very similar to your H in terms of being available for real talk and willingness to work through things.
I feel for you, it leaves you in a real rut.


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