# Would this annoy you?



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

My husband and I rarely have sex. The history is ugly. Anyway he constantly offers to rub my arm. That's very nice of him. But he does not initiate sex. This morning laying in bed about 1 minute before our Son comes in to get ready for School he started massaging my boob. But he def did not seem to be initiating. Just massaging my breast. He knows I don't like that ..even during sex. Just not my thing. 

I'm not sure why this ticked me off so much. I leaned up and just said hey we need to get moving, and he just laid there. So I laid back down for a second and he did it again. It just really ticked me off. Made me mad.... Prob because it reinforced the fact that he doesn't listen to my wants and needs. But maybe I'm just a pain in the arse. 

Would that bother you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes, I think it would. It sounds like he is not meeting your needs in many areas but continues to do this one thing that meets absolutely no need whatsoever.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes. This is true. It just seems so forced. I just trying to recognize why I get so darn angry. He doesn't know it but it truly ticks me off. 

We are in such a strained situation it would not be helpful for me to unload on him over something like this but I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him. Sex yes. Sex with him. NO. 




MissScarlett said:


> Yes, I think it would. It sounds like he is not meeting your needs in many areas but continues to do this one thing that meets absolutely no need whatsoever.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, any kind of lame "initiating" would annoy me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you expressed to him that you would like sex, but not with him? I do think he deserves to know that.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No. I have not. He has said in the past he feels inferior. Doesn't like his body. Doesn't think he can satisfy me etc. and anytime I've tried to constructively critique... He becomes passive aggressive. So it would not be good for me to say that. He would find it cruel and I do not want to hurt him. 

But this is interesting... I'm on a huge workout kick (trying to find a way to healthily cope with life problems). He knows I'm working out a lot and hard. Well he doesn't join me despite the fact he says he's ashamed of his body. (he's skinny and no muscle). So I invites him to join me. He said something like "oh do you truly think I look so bad you need to drag me to the gym...". So I dropped it. 
Then he started quizzing ME about my eating. He likes to cook and has said he's trying to support me by making healthy foods. But he saw me eating a piece of chocolate last night and he asked "is that on your diet too?". Or Cheerios ..." you realize that's not on your meal plan". 

All the while HE keeps eating like crap. 




Faithful Wife said:


> Have you expressed to him that you would like sex, but not with him? I do think he deserves to know that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Clearly there are many problems in the marriage. I haven't read the rest of your story but that post says a lot.

But you know that nothing can change until you can communicate about the issues, right?

You don't have to say "I would rather stab my eyes out than f*ck you". You can say "I'm really concerned about our sex life..." and then lead him into an honest conversation.

The type of issues you are describing are going to land you in divorce court if you don't learn how to communicate. 

Plus you are really vulnerable to cheating.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well I should clarify I HAVE told him im concerned many many times. I did not tell him I wanted to have sex with anyone but him but I demanded therapy. I told him I was upset he didn't initiate and that my interest was fading because of it (and his very one sided way of having sex). 

He went to therapy. But it only lasted briefly. He's gone a few times when I demand it but then he stops and things return to crap. So yes he knows... But I haven't said anything in the last few months. 




Faithful Wife said:


> Clearly there are many problems in the marriage. I haven't read the rest of your story but that post says a lot.
> 
> But you know that nothing can change until you can communicate about the issues, right?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

You are prime for EA or PA IMO. My wife and I were just like this for years. There is a big amount of unfilled needs on both your parts. I bet when dating you did let him touch your breast and you enjoyed the pleasure of it and the closeness that resulted from touching. I bet a buck that if you guys just started holding each other (even naked) for extended periods.... something starts clicking.

Your husband is so confused about how to pleasure you. You don't let him more than likely. Not blaming. He in simple terms is like a dog that has been beaten down and has no confidence or self esteeem. My wife and I had this....long story ...years of almost sexless marriage. We hit bottom and have rebounded. I just know in my relationship it changed and breast play..touching in general is more prevalent than ever we are both very satisfied. Married 19 years.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh dear...I'm sorry. It doesn't sound good.

But...if you have the patience to work at it a bit harder and for longer...I am sure you can get some improvement. How hard you want to work and how patient you can be will be key, though.

Sometimes resentment and anger is too deep to really work on these issues. Would you say that is true for you? You probably need some IC too, do you have one?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yay, Bamzor! I love success stories.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes, I do think that's probably true for me. 

Honestly, I just wonder sometimes if I'm just screwed up and I will do this with every guy in my life. Bamzor was correct...this wasn't always a problem. Here's where it changed for me...and I would SO APPRECIATE IT if someone here could tell me if this is common.

Most of our marriage ...I was always getting pleasure out of turning him on. I wanted to feel like I was driving him crazy..and a tease. I enjoyed it (and so did he) but that's how I got my pleasure because he never tried to pleasure me. Then, I started to get annoyed that it was only one way and my "job" was getting old. That's when I started talking to him about it and asked him to go to counseling and I just can't seem to get myself to recover. I don't want to try to turn him on....I don't want to tease him and if I DO have to be with him.. I feel like I am rolling my eyes the whole time because he turned into a glorified actor. It's so fake...he's trying to pretend he's into it...since that was one of my chief complaints...so now he's trying to turn it on and it's so unrealistic. I feel like I'm watching some darn soap opera. So I feel like the only way to get myself back ..is by wanting to be that tease and/or excitement for a man and unfortunately it's NOT him! 

How do I recover from that...and would I have this same problem with every guy? 



Faithful Wife said:


> Oh dear...I'm sorry. It doesn't sound good.
> 
> But...if you have the patience to work at it a bit harder and for longer...I am sure you can get some improvement. How hard you want to work and how patient you can be will be key, though.
> 
> Sometimes resentment and anger is too deep to really work on these issues. Would you say that is true for you? You probably need some IC too, do you have one?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds like you are just way more sexual than he is.

There are a few other women with active threads here that have sorta similar dynamics in their marriages...hopefully they will chime in...it helps to know there are others in your shoes.

Will you have the same problem with every guy?

Well, if you choose another guy who is a sexual mismatch, then yeah, maybe.

Do you have an IC?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I need to start back up on IC. I had a therapist in my last city but since we've moved I have not gone consistently. I tried finding one and he was not a good fit. Pretty abrasive...so I need to search for a new one. 

The last guy needed to know if I wanted to stay married or not in the first session. Said it was a yes or no question and I didn't feel it was that easy. So, I need to find someone else to help me.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

IC! IC!

Frankly, I think this booby grab is just another one of his PA maneuvers, mega. He knows it chaps your a*s and shuts you down. When you discuss things openly, he feels comfortable going into full-on victim mode from what you've said. You can change your reaction to that, but da*ned if I know how to coax change. 

For us, issues are similar, aside from the H not participating once things get going...and it's taken years because of his inconsistency.

And your last therapist was a dork. Has he not heard of therapeutic goal-setting? It's his job to help you arrive at that conclusion. Maybe someone who specializes in PA relationships would be a better fit for you.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

It's hard to explain because I think my husband likes being intimate....at least when he gets a quick satisfaction out of it.

He once told me in passing that he told his therapist that he couldn't stay in marriage if there was no intimacy. Well, we have struggled a lot and I don't see him packing up and leaving. 

I should have known long, long ago. We were dating (I was 23 YOUNG!) and we were in a relationship and I answered the door dressed proactively and greeted him at the door (I look back and could NEVER see myself doing that with him again) ....and he said I shocked him and told me he needed a drink first. He was 26 at the time. Obviously this really made me feel unattractive and it put me on the road to begging for his approval...and that's how a good majority of our marriage was ...I would do anything for his approval.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like he has some PA behaviors that might need to be addressed in therapy. Also, is it possible he is just LD? How about possibly bisexual 
or gay even?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I'm bad with abbreviations. What does PA mean? 

Yes he definitely has had gay behaviors and actually said that he drank too much when he was 24 and was "raped" by another man. He has gone through therapy about this (my demand) and says he's definitely at peace with it. 




trey69 said:


> Sounds like he has some PA behaviors that might need to be addressed in therapy. Also, is it possible he is just LD? How about possibly bisexual
> or gay even?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

PA =Passive Aggressive. Kind of like how he's been pushing his business issues on to you, your financial issues... Notice a trend here?

C


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Oh yes. Very true. He actually defines passive aggressive. It's very common. So much I tend to not even realize he's doing it... It's just typical behavior. 





PBear said:


> PA =Passive Aggressive. Kind of like how he's been pushing his business issues on to you, your financial issues... Notice a trend here?
> 
> C


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

This would absolutely annoy me! My H does the same thing, attempts to half ass initiate it at the most inopportune times. We have had several conversations about certain things that just COMPLETELY turn me off and he continued to do them, then he wonders why I do not have any interest or passion in the bedroom. Sex can not be one sided. One person cannot be doing it only for themselves and one person cannot be doing it only for the other person. 

Besides the things that turn me off, I also have resentment about other aspects of our relationship. I have and am trying to learn how to gain my own acceptance rather than his, which is a very difficult thing to do.

I am going to be honest here, between the resentment, dissatisfaction from sex and other problems in the relationship I actually began an affair. It was so tempting because of the annoyance, but once you cross that road you are in a whole other territory of problems. And just a forewarning, and NOT saying this is where you were leading, but once you experience real sexual gratification it is as addictive as a drug.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Do you believe that kind of intimacy and true satisfaction/attraction can last decades? Or are my problems reflective of a 14 year marriage?




BREATHE31 said:


> This would absolutely annoy me! My H does the same thing, attempts to half ass initiate it at the most inopportune times. We have had several conversations about certain things that just COMPLETELY turn me off and he continued to do them, then he wonders why I do not have any interest or passion in the bedroom. Sex can not be one sided. One person cannot be doing it only for themselves and one person cannot be doing it only for the other person.
> 
> Besides the things that turn me off, I also have resentment about other aspects of our relationship. I have and am trying to learn how to gain my own acceptance rather than his, which is a very difficult thing to do.
> 
> I am going to be honest here, between the resentment, dissatisfaction from sex and other problems in the relationship I actually began an affair. It was so tempting because of the annoyance, but once you cross that road you are in a whole other territory of problems. And just a forewarning, and NOT saying this is where you were leading, but once you experience real sexual gratification it is as addictive as a drug.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Do you believe that kind of intimacy and true satisfaction/attraction can last decades? Or are my problems reflective of a 14 year marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a very good question. I have also been married for 14 years and have been with my H since a young age, and I do think some of this is reflective of a 14 year marriage. It is difficult to judge and I think it depends on the stability and overall happiness of your marriage. I believe that more often than not when a relationship is strong, conversation is deep, values, wants and needs are being addressed appropriately that the intimacy and true satisfaction is part of a relationship that would only get stronger rather than fade. 

In my personal situation I am not sure if I ever enjoyed having sex with my H the way that a woman should. I look back and contribute this to my lack of self esteem and feeling that my needs were met only by meeting his. Once I realized what real sexual intimacy is I realized how absolutely important it is in a relationship, regardless of the years spent together. 

I do not believe sex is the most important thing in a relationship or in a marriage, but I truly believe that it is important enough make or break a relationship.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Wow breathe we have a LOT in common! It's remarkable. I have a lot of the same sentiments.

Are you divorcing? 






BREATHE31 said:


> This is a very good question. I have also been married for 14 years and have been with my H since a young age, and I do think some of this is reflective of a 14 year marriage. It is difficult to judge and I think it depends on the stability and overall happiness of your marriage. I believe that more often than not when a relationship is strong, conversation is deep, values, wants and needs are being addressed appropriately that the intimacy and true satisfaction is part of a relationship that would only get stronger rather than fade.
> 
> In my personal situation I am not sure if I ever enjoyed having sex with my H the way that a woman should. I look back and contribute this to my lack of self esteem and feeling that my needs were met only by meeting his. Once I realized what real sexual intimacy is I realized how absolutely important it is in a relationship, regardless of the years spent together.
> 
> I do not believe sex is the most important thing in a relationship or in a marriage, but I truly believe that it is important enough make or break a relationship.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Wow breathe we have a LOT in common! It's remarkable. I have a lot of the same sentiments.
> 
> Are you divorcing?
> 
> ...


We are currently separated. I moved out about 8 months ago. I have yet to come clean about the infidelity, which is my original reason for posting and looking at this site. I am not sure how deep this situation goes for you, but I can tell you that it only becomes more difficult if it is not appropriately addressed. I literally got to a point where I would sometimes cry when he wanted to have sex. I literally had no desire for him to touch me. I would scream in my own head. This sounds horrible even when I type it. I know that much of my situation comes from many other deep relationship issues, but it did start with a little resentment, lack of desire, annoyances and etc etc etc.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

This is exactly how I feel/felt. I get this anger inside if/when he wanted to have sex. I have just gotten to the point where I have just given him a BJ or something to get it over with fast and fulfill my quota. But it's been about 2 months since Ive done that and he hasn't initiated since then. 

Now that you are separated how do you feel? 





BREATHE31 said:


> We are currently separated. I moved out about 8 months ago. I have yet to come clean about the infidelity, which is my original reason for posting and looking at this site. I am not sure how deep this situation goes for you, but I can tell you that it only becomes more difficult if it is not appropriately addressed. I literally got to a point where I would sometimes cry when he wanted to have sex. I literally had no desire for him to touch me. I would scream in my own head. This sounds horrible even when I type it. I know that much of my situation comes from many other deep relationship issues, but it did start with a little resentment, lack of desire, annoyances and etc etc etc.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> This is exactly how I feel/felt. I get this anger inside if/when he wanted to have sex. I have just gotten to the point where I have just given him a BJ or something to get it over with fast and fulfill my quota. But it's been about 2 months since Ive done that and he hasn't initiated since then.
> 
> Now that you are separated how do you feel?
> 
> ...


The difficult part about it is I do love him and I do enjoy spending time with him, but I feel it is on a roommate type of level. I differ from you in the fact that I have never been able to openly address my true feelings and concerns with him. I typically would do exactly what you do, find a way, any way to get it over with and be able to not have to think about it. The bad part is, he continued to and still attempts to initiate it and this make me despise him even more because I think, how selfish!! Many times I would get so disgusted that I would get away with just going to bed without him all over me, only to be woken up in the middle of the night to him trying to get some! I cannot completely blame this on him as I do have a mouth and could speak up, but I never did because I did not want to create a fight, I just wanted it to be over so I could go about pretending to be in a normal relationship.

I think that it does seem very odd when a man does not initiate, but after reading many of these posts, I may be wrong. I wonder, if he would initiate, do you think you would be able to enjoy it?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

You know, I feel like we are writing the same story. Although, you had the courage to leave and recognize that there were issues. I don't seem to ever really get to that point. I spent some time today reading about codependency. I have it bad...VERY bad. That's just so obvious...I'm sure to everyone.

We used to have a somewhat normal life in the intimacy department. I think it was truly when I cared about making him happy and being the pleaser. But, I did enjoy parts of it...but never had an O with him. Ever.. Since therapy...he's tried. But he acts like it's a 50 page manual to operate. His methodical ways...aren't exactly a turn on. 

So...I don't think I could....and he's really an attractive guy. He looks good...but I think he comes off as so deflated, passive aggressive...yet meek...that I am not drawn to him whatsoever anymore. 


It's just hard to say ...but he does not initiate. If he actually fought for something ...I think I would respect him more. But, it seems the only person who has ever asked for more intimacy (not anymore) was me.... even though he said he turned to por* because he couldn't get with me.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> You know, I feel like we are writing the same story. Although, you had the courage to leave and recognize that there were issues. I don't seem to ever really get to that point. I spent some time today reading about codependency. I have it bad...VERY bad. That's just so obvious...I'm sure to everyone.
> 
> We used to have a somewhat normal life in the intimacy department. I think it was truly when I cared about making him happy and being the pleaser. But, I did enjoy parts of it...but never had an O with him. Ever.. Since therapy...he's tried. But he acts like it's a 50 page manual to operate. His methodical ways...aren't exactly a turn on.
> 
> ...


I am so glad that someone understands at least this part of me relationship, because I am getting blasted over in the CWI forum..lol. 

I completely understand and agree with the co-dependency and the people pleasing mentality. I wonder if you are an Aries? I know that I used to try to do all these cute, sexy, spontaneous things and used to enjoy it, didn't realize then but realize now, it was only because he enjoyed it. After a while, when my needs were not being met, not only in the bedroom but in the relationship, I became exhausted and eventually stopped trying so damn hard. Once I stopped I realized how pathetic it really was. And how he somehow forgot that I have more needs than him rubbing his d*&k on my leg and sticking it in for five minutes. 

Can I ask if you experienced enough before getting with him for something to compare it to? I know that I didn't get that chance because I was 16 when I got with him and 19 when we had our child. He is and was all I knew. 

Are you tempted to cheat? Have you? 

I feel like you really have to be honest with yourself and really truly look at yourself and determine if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life. We all only have one life to live and it is short. You cannot make someone do what you want them to do or be what you want them to be, trust me I have tried and it does not work. You are more worried about his feelings and his happiness than your own. You cannot be responsible for how other people feel!! You have to life based on how you feel, what you want, what makes you happy, what makes you satisfied, what makes you feel good about you regardless of anyone else.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No, I completely see your point. Absolutely.

I have a 7 year old son though and he seems so happy...I would just feel horrible breaking up his family. That's what keeps me, for the most part. Do you have kids?

I am JUST like you. I did all kinds of cute things...and bought all kinds of things to dress up and please him. But, he had no interest in pleasing me. But, I too, got pleasure out of the whole process. I was playing hot wife....and getting nothing in return...really. 

I am a Leo...since you asked. I did not have much experience before we got together. Plus, I had a very bad situation growing up...where I was in a sick situation with a "family friend" who was my father's age. Those were my first "experiences"....when I was 13 and 14. Sick...sick. And he was a married man. 

My husband knows what happened to me...and sometimes I think that may be the root of most of my problems. I had to please that creep too...I guess that's where it all began. 

So...as for my husband...I am just in such a similar place as you...but I'm shocked that I have absolutely no will power to leave...and my problems are SEVERE. We are in major financial crisis..too. We are both in denial..

Yes, I was tempted to cheat. Had an EA years ago. He found out and went and told my family...who then disowned me. He was NOT close with them whatsoever...but he went straight to them...saying he had no one else to talk to. And he was very angry when I told him that while what I did was wrong....it was a symptom of our unaddressed problems. And Yes...I know that I could EASILY fall into that trap right now. I never used to look at men. Ever. That's def not the case anymore. I see guys and daydream about what it would be like to be with someone who has their act together. I totally know what you are going through...


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> No, I completely see your point. Absolutely.
> 
> I have a 7 year old son though and he seems so happy...I would just feel horrible breaking up his family. That's what keeps me, for the most part. Do you have kids?
> 
> ...


I am very sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered while growing up. I am a social worker and work with people daily that have experienced and suffered this type of abuse. It is a long road and recovery is difficult. Many times I do not even think that the person who went through it really understands the effects that it takes in all areas of a person's life. I hope that you have healed and I hope that you have found forgiveness.

We have one child together and it is definitely not easy. My son understands and I am very open to conversation and work hard to talk with him about any feelings, sadness, anger, stress, this separation brings. The most difficult part about this is although I have moved out I am in constant communication with my H. It is like we are still together, but living in separate places. It is a more messed up situation that I can even begin to explain and the funny part it I did not even realize how extensive it really is until I came here and started looking at how it is all pieced together. 

I am curious if the initiation and the lack of interest occurred before or after the infidelity. I am also curious if you were satisfied sexually with the person you had the affair with and how you ended it.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Thank you...I agree that it's very possible I don't realize the true impact of my childhood.

Did your affair impact how you saw your husband? 

I'm sorry for what you are going through...I know it must be extremely difficult.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

mega, did you ever stop by the other forum I suggested? While his actions blow (I totally totally understand the loneliness), it'll help you understand how his experiences manifest differently from yours.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Thank you...I agree that it's very possible I don't realize the true impact of my childhood.
> 
> Did your affair impact how you saw your husband?
> 
> I'm sorry for what you are going through...I know it must be extremely difficult.


And I know what you are going through is extremely difficult as well. You are in a state of ambivalence. Very difficult, stressful way to feel.

Yes, my affair definitely impacted how I saw my H. I hate to say it but it was that final push to make up my mind to leave. Not because I thought me and this other man were going to ride into the sunset, but because he made me feel alive and self confident. He helped me see that I am capable of making myself happy and that I deserve to be happy. 

When you were first married did you and your husband only want one child?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Good question about kids. TBH I don't know... I was extremely career driven and we never set out with a specific number. But after I finally agreed to having a child, I def wanted to have another... After awhile. But we started having trouble and I never felt confident enough to have another child. 

I have def wanted another child but I still feel in the same boat. He also has seemed against having another child. I've brought it up a couple times. 

I want another... But not with him, I don't believe. 

Coincidentally he recently told me he thought a woman had to orgasm in order to conceive. Really?!! He's 42!!





BREATHE31 said:


> And I know what you are going through is extremely difficult as well. You are in a state of ambivalence. Very difficult, stressful way to feel.
> 
> Yes, my affair definitely impacted how I saw my H. I hate to say it but it was that final push to make up my mind to leave. Not because I thought me and this other man were going to ride into the sunset, but because he made me feel alive and self confident. He helped me see that I am capable of making myself happy and that I deserve to be happy.
> 
> When you were first married did you and your husband only want one child?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Good question about kids. TBH I don't know... I was extremely career driven and we never set out with a specific number. But after I finally agreed to having a child, I def wanted to have another... After awhile. But we started having trouble and I never felt confident enough to have another child.
> 
> I have def wanted another child but I still feel in the same boat. He also has seemed against having another child. I've brought it up a couple times.
> 
> ...


OMGoodness...wow


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Do you believe that kind of intimacy and true satisfaction/attraction can last decades? Or are my problems reflective of a 14 year marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It can last decades. Ours has lasted a quarter of century, so I don't think the problems are reflective of the number of years you've been married. I'll keep reading before responding further but wanted to pause and answer this one.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes I understand.... Just often wonder if it's just me getting bored of him or something that I have caused...in myself. 
I just don't want to please him anymore.... And it could be my fault. 




HangingOnHope said:


> It can last decades. Ours has lasted a quarter of century, so I don't think the problems are reflective of the number of years you've been married. I'll keep reading before responding further but wanted to pause and answer this one.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Yes I understand.... Just often wonder if it's just me getting bored of him or something that I have caused...in myself.
> I just don't want to please him anymore.... And it could be my fault.
> 
> 
> ...


Right, I understand. I get that, I do. It is possible that you're bored. However, if that *is* the case, I personally think that is a shared fault. (although I'm not even comfortable using the word fault in this way)

How often do you two discuss sex? Both outside the bedroom and while engaged in sex?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

He doesn't seem to like when I bring it up. I dragged him to therapist and that didnt really work either. 

It's the elephant in the room. And now I don't want it... So i don't want to talk about it. He obviously could care less. 
QUOTE=HangingOnHope;5126194]Right, I understand. I get that, I do. It is possible that you're bored. However, if that *is* the case, I personally think that is a shared fault. (although I'm not even comfortable using the word fault in this way)

How often do you two discuss sex? Both outside the bedroom and while engaged in sex?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

mega1 said:


> He doesn't seem to like when I bring it up. I dragged him to therapist and that didnt really work either.
> 
> It's the elephant in the room. And now I don't want it... So i don't want to talk about it. *He obviously could care less. *
> QUOTE=HangingOnHope;5126194]Right, I understand. I get that, I do. It is possible that you're bored. However, if that *is* the case, I personally think that is a shared fault. (although I'm not even comfortable using the word fault in this way)
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

If he did not care, he would not do all the "mechanical sex" that you roll your mental eyes at. He may be fake and inexpert, but he is trying. I think you have put him in a position where he can't win.

I also think your problems with your husband have nothing to do with sex. You seem to be unhappy that he is in your life, period.

Rather than consider affairs -and add to the problem- get rid of him and start anew with someone else.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Yes, I do think that's probably true for me.
> 
> Honestly, I just wonder sometimes if I'm just screwed up and I will do this with every guy in my life. Bamzor was correct...this wasn't always a problem. Here's where it changed for me...and I would SO APPRECIATE IT if someone here could tell me if this is common.
> 
> ...


This right here says a lot. I think many men can relate to what I see in this post-

1. Woman tells man she needs ABC from him.
2. Man tries to provide ABC.
3. Woman gets pissed off that man is trying to do ABC.
4. Man says f-it, if she is going to be pissed off either way, I'll just do things the way I want to do them. There is no pleasing her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

mega1 said:


> My husband and I rarely have sex. The history is ugly. Anyway he constantly offers to rub my arm. That's very nice of him. But he does not initiate sex. This morning laying in bed about 1 minute before our Son comes in to get ready for School he started massaging my boob. But he def did not seem to be initiating. Just massaging my breast. He knows I don't like that ..even during sex. Just not my thing.
> 
> I'm not sure why this ticked me off so much. I leaned up and just said hey we need to get moving, and he just laid there. So I laid back down for a second and he did it again. It just really ticked me off. Made me mad.... Prob because it reinforced the fact that he doesn't listen to my wants and needs. But maybe I'm just a pain in the arse.
> 
> ...



Us guys are simple and stupid. You have to tell us what your wants and needs are because we will never read your minds and get it.

If he knows what your wants and needs are, then he has no excuse not to take care of you.

Same goes for you. If you know what his needs and wants are and do those for him, no pity or duty sex and take the initiative often, you are a great wife and he should be doing the same.

If he's still not taking care of your needs and wants, tell him when he's in the mood, not happening until you get oral with a vib first and orgasm. 

Take care of the woman first and everything follows after that. Some guys get this and some just don't.

If you're getting bored, sit down one day, by yourself and think of all the sexual fantasies and fetishes you would love to do. Even watch some adult movies to see what would really turn you on and do these with hubby.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he did not care, he would not do all the "mechanical sex" that you roll your mental eyes at. He may be fake and inexpert, but he is trying. I think you have put him in a position where he can't win.

I also think your problems with your husband have nothing to do with sex. You seem to be unhappy that he is in your life, period.

Rather than consider affairs -and add to the problem- get rid of him and start anew with someone else.[/QUOTE]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Are you saying that he does not want to try to pleasure you? Have you asked him why? Does he only want you to initiate and please him?


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

mega1,

I saw you said that you don't want to break up your family because of your son, but that you & your husband are very unhappy.

I can't speak from experience on the intimacy issues, but as a child of divorce, I can tell you that if the parents are unhappy, the child KNOWS this and it affects them a lot! I knew when my parents were going through rough times and it made me very upset. I just wanted to put out another perspective here... I hear so many parents say "let's stay together for the kids," and the kids grow up unhappy and end up in unhappy relationships themselves because they have no proper role model. My parents divorcing was the best thing they could have done for me, honestly! (If you want more information, feel free to PM me about it.  )

Just had to throw that out there!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

mega1 said:


> My husband and I rarely have sex. The history is ugly. Anyway he constantly offers to rub my arm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't get the arm thing. Do you like your arm rubbed? Does it lead to more?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Almost There said:


> mega1,
> 
> I saw you said that you don't want to break up your family because of your son, but that you & your husband are very unhappy.
> 
> ...


Totally agree! I don't think parents do their kids any favors staying in a miserable marriage. It probably does more harm than good. The kids never get to see and learn what a loving relationship is like.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yeah I think he thinks it is like giving a massage. He will constantly massage my shoulder while HE is driving the car. And when I say no I'm okay... Thanks. He will say you have to be stressed. I want to contribute to relaxing you...

No this NEVER leads to anything more. 



Abc123wife said:


> I don't get the arm thing. Do you like your arm rubbed? Does it lead to more?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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