# I've decided to fight to the bitter end



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I will not give up on my marriage even though my spouse seemingly has. We wasted six months focusing on all of the negatives and trying to figure out how we got to the point we did. I think the only way to fix things is to start to forgive and then rebuild things. Of course you don't want to make the same mistakes again but that should all be involved in the rebuilding process. I take ownership for the mistakes I made and commit to not allowing myself to repeat those mistakes. I just will always hold onto my belief that so many divorces are completely unnecessary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The only way to rebuild is to fix yourself...don't even worry about you two as a couple. Work on you.

Good luck! It can happen


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I'm certainly working on myself because I know that I can't expect anyone to love me or a life together with me when I don't love where I'm at myself lately.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I made that same decision a year ago. I've actually now come to the conclusion that I can't win all fights no matter his hard I try. 

I told you this because I want you to, as stated by that girl, do what you can to become the best you can be. Don't do it for your spouse or anybody else. Do it for you. You are the only one you can control. 

Yes, you made mistakes in your marriage as have I and so many others. Yes, you are willing to make the necessary changes but you can't make another see their errors and want to fix them. 

I'm not divorced yet, even though its been almost a year. But one thing I know is that I'm getting happier everyday with the direction I'm going and so will you. Regardless of what happens, be the best you you can be. The rest all take care of itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeeternal (Oct 28, 2011)

I agree with all the above. You and I are on very similar paths my friend! I am calling a councilor for ME today. My wife already has an appointment for herself with another councilor...not for us but her. If these things help my marriage...it would be a dream come true. If they only help me as an individual I have lost nothing and gain a better me.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> We wasted six months focusing on all of the negatives and trying to figure out how we got to the point we did. I think the only way to fix things is to start to forgive and then rebuild things.


Dr. Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, states that this is why so many couples fail as well as most marriage counselors. So much time is spent on the negative past, that which cannot be altered, little or no focus is put on the one thing that really matters, creating a better future.

If things are done just the opposite, spend time talking about ways to move forward, ways to have fun, ways to spend time together, ways to recreate the intimacy, things would change faster. Less time spent on bad memories and more time spent creating new and joyful ones. When that happens, it would seem the bad memories become just that - a memory.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Will this work if my H has said that he has given up trying? That its too difficult? We are still together after 18 yrs, 3 kids and a breif EA by him. Im willing to try. I love him. Hes says that he loves me but the "spark" has gone. He doesnt feel the same! IS there still hope that he will come out of this if i give him time, space and patience?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I kind of like that idea of looking towards the future instead of focusing on the negative past. What do you both want in life moving forward and do you honestly see yourself getting there together. I've obviously been thinking about my situation a lot and I think maybe two people reach a point in their marriage where neither knows what to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

It's not only about looking towards the future. It's about taking an active part in creating a future. Go places. Do things. Enjoy life. Sitting and just talking about what you can do is not enough. You have to do.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I think in a strange way that's what my wife and many other woman who see things as hopeless are looking for. For a husband to say look I know we're in a terrible place but this is where we can get back to and this is how we can do it.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I think in a strange way that's what my wife and many other woman who see things as hopeless are looking for. For a husband to say look I know we're in a terrible place but this is where we can get back to and this is how we can do it.


:iagree: Bingo! I spent a while so worried about why things got the way they did for H and I because I thought that was the only way to fix things. Finally I just stopped worrying about the why for a minute and really listened to what H was saying. He was saying that he was sorry, absolutely sure that we could fix it, completely committed to fixing it, and that he would start if I'd just give him a chance. After 20 years I felt I owed him that much, so I did, and we are well on our way to better than ever.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> :iagree: Bingo! I spent a while so worried about why things got the way they did for H and I because I thought that was the only way to fix things. Finally I just stopped worrying about the why for a minute and really listened to what H was saying. He was saying that he was sorry, absolutely sure that we could fix it, completely committed to fixing it, and that he would start if I'd just give him a chance. After 20 years I felt I owed him that much, so I did, and we are well on our way to better than ever.


Same here. Our mc is a big guy and he very strongly insists that all past wrongs be forgiven and forgotten unconditionally without prejudice by both partners. We're not even allowed to bring it up. Works great


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

You can fight all you want- I have quite a fighter spirit myself and never believe in most lost causes- but in marriage, it takes 2. You can't fight alone when the other person has totally given up.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> You can fight all you want- I have quite a fighter spirit myself and never believe in most lost causes- but in marriage, it takes 2. You can't fight alone when the other person has totally given up.


Divorcebusters.com would disagree with you. They say that as long as one of you is fughting for it to work there is still a chance. Im trying to focus on this. My H says he doesnt want to try anymore so why doesnt he leave? why does he still txt me from work and hold me in his arms when he falls asleep? Why does he want to go walking with me and share things with me? We both need time to recover. There is always hope. No more talking about the past and all the negative stuff Im dealing with everyday as it comes and living in the moment.

For 17 years i had H that adored me, im sure hes still in there somewhere!


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## jhult (Oct 31, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Divorcebusters.com would disagree with you. They say that as long as one of you is fughting for it to work there is still a chance. Im trying to focus on this. My H says he doesnt want to try anymore so why doesnt he leave? why does he still txt me from work and hold me in his arms when he falls asleep? Why does he want to go walking with me and share things with me? We both need time to recover. There is always hope. No more talking about the past and all the negative stuff Im dealing with everyday as it comes and living in the moment.
> 
> For 17 years i had H that adored me, im sure hes still in there somewhere!


I agree. My wife of 9 years loved me and adored me for 8 of the 9 years. I know that she is still in there somewhere and will hopefully come out again someday. Until then I am focusing on myself.


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## JustDuck (Nov 16, 2011)

While H says he wants this marriage and he loves me - actions AND words speak loudly.
I feel like I'm the only one making a strong fight and really trying to make this work.
Even the stupid self-help book I got said that women have to change their behavior and how they approach their Hs before there will be change. That's what ticks me off! How come I have to change and I have to take the first step!?

Oh well, I'm in this fight and I'm not a quitter. Sending up prayers for you!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Dr. Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, states that this is why so many couples fail as well as most marriage counselors. So much time is spent on the negative past, that which cannot be altered, little or no focus is put on the one thing that really matters, creating a better future.
> 
> If things are done just the opposite, spend time talking about ways to move forward, ways to have fun, ways to spend time together, ways to recreate the intimacy, things would change faster. Less time spent on bad memories and more time spent creating new and joyful ones. When that happens, it would seem the bad memories become just that - a memory.


I wrote a piece on this myself, I'll share it here.


"Over the last several years, I have read many Marriage Counseling books, and have also spent a great deal of time on the counselors couch. These experiences did little to improve my marriage, and I believe that the problem lies in the common theme that seems to underpin most traditional marriage counseling practices.

Traditional marriage counseling seems to believe that before they can make progress, a couple must first "Air out the dirty laundry". The counselor asks you to sit down with your spouse and relive every little thing that has ever bothered the two of you during your marriage. On the surface, this logic seems to make sense. If there are sins in the past that are continuing to affect your marriage, then they should to be discussed and resolved so that they do not continue to cast their shadow in the future. However, there is a problem with this historical approach.

What you focus on in the present is what you will get more of in the future.

As an individual, it is important to keep in mind the lessons that have been learned over the course of your life. Learning from past mistakes is a big part of how we grow over time.

As a couple, dwelling on the past is not as useful. It is my opinion that when a couple has reached a point that they are seeking outside counseling, the conversations at home have already been dwelling on past behaviors for quite some time. When they go into formal counseling, the only difference is that they now have a high paid professional to act as referee when the finger pointing and blame shifting starts to get out of hand. Working through the past does not solve problems. It only encourages a couple to nurse their grudges and entrench themselves further. It is much better, in my opinion, to always be looking to the future.

Instead of talking about how bad your marriage has been, talk about how you want it to be from now on. What are you going to start doing differently today? What will allow tomorrow, and the future to be different from the past?

We had to find a Marriage Counselor that focused on this exact philosophy. It did wonders for my marriage. It helped me to achieve breakthroughs with my wife that traditional counseling could not. It empowered my wife and I to start letting go of the past, and focus instead on what each of us could be doing in the here and now.

This is not to say that we forgot about the past entirely; quite the contrary. We had to remember why we had fallen in love in the first place. We left the unhappiness in the past, and carried forward the positive memories and energy that we needed to build a stronger marriage for today.


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## Confused 03 (Nov 15, 2011)

What is the problem that you guys are thinking about divorce? What are the reasons?

I'm thinking about it because it does not seem like my husband wants to devote any time to "talking about family or future". I take that as "I've given up". In a way, I've given up as well. My reason is that we have zero in common = live very independent lives = lack of communication. Also, the fact that he chooses his parents over mine and doesnt seem to want to attempt to "get along" with my parents (but I have to try to get along w/ his). The 3rd reason is that in chinese culture, and in my husband's opinion, his only plan for the future is that he wants his parents to live w/ him full-time.

Would any of those reasons be something you would "not agree" to live with? He has expressed his unhappiness compared to other couples and the more I think of it, the more depressed and unhappy I am.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

May i ask a question about "working on yourself" Does that always mean going to counselling, or reading books ? Or are there any techniques to do it without help ? How do you guys do it ? I really need some feedbacks!


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Charlene - for me it is finding out what makes me happy. I went to see a therapist for awhile, but they were not a good fit, as they kept telling me to file for divorce, forget about H, only worry about me. Well, that isn't want a marriage is about. So I took some of what I learned at therapy - I saw a friend who is getting her certification for life coaching - she taught me some meditation and yoga techniques. I read a lot, spend time with friends. I've decided to go back to school...fo....wait for it......to get a degree and become a therapist. My sitauation has impacted me so much that I feel driven to soak up the knowledge and share it with others. 

Sit down and make a list of what makes you happy - do something from the list everyday.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

That's the thing, I'm left with very little ,not so close friends, my sister just had her baby, she and my mother are busy for that. I use to do yoga, but now i'm feeling like i can't , i can't focus, in the end of the year i should start learning for my final exam at the university, may be that will do it. But i feel i can'r make the effort for that too. i'm feeling very tired...not wanting to do anything...
So jenna i take you are still with your husband, how are things for you after you've done that for yourself?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Charlene - you sound like you are having a bout with depression, which is normal. I am not with my H...we are seperated (though not legally)....it doesn't look good for us - pretty much just wanting for the other foot to drop as they say. I keep praying and holding out hope, but he seems to have grown completely cold. 

Even though your sister and mom have a little one now doesn't mean they won't be there for you. 

Best wishes to you!


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks Jenna, i'll try to keep it together. Eventhough i know our problem i need to talk it through with someone/ aparently not him/ Hope all truns out the best for you.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

You need to feel what you feel - it's all part of the process from what I am learning. 

Can I ask what your situation is Charlene? I might be in the same boat as you, whereas I've learned where our marriage faultered, and why, and it seems as though it'd be an easy fix (easy in that it's easier than just throwing away 10 years and starting over)....but my H is reluctant...as he just wants to give up.  Seems at this point nothing will change H's mind - though he hasn't filed for D, he keeps saying he wants to move out (he lives in our home now, I have been at my mom's). ????


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

You invested much more/10 years/, it must be very hard for you. I've been married only a year, but it seems like our problems are unrworkable.We're living together, he works abroad from time to time, so now he's not here and we haven't heart from eachother in a week now. We'll see what happens when he comes back.
why did things turned out this way for you? What actually happened?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well married just shy of 3 years but together for 10...had typical issues...money sex inlaws time affection etc
I wasn't the greatest to him at some points likewise for him. He'd had a panic attack 8 months ago. Diagnosed with anxiety by general doc...medicated. 3 months later brought up D...went back n forth for 2 months still living together. Mid august bro in law comes back to town and moves in and I leave. Bro tells me for h that h is done doesnt want to work on things. Bro is nonviolent sociopath. H still hasn't filed for d but made zero effort to reconcile. We talked and saw each other but its lessoned. H is back to nonresonsive. Bro is still living for free a ns im still heartbroken. Been working on me figuring out how I faltered.... H hasn't talked for himself...lots of unanswered stuff.
Do you and your h talk while he's gone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

This is very inspiring, good luck with your efforts. I am experiencing the same situation and I also decided to stay and fight for us. I wish you all the best!


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry to hear that, Jenna, Yesterday he called for the fist time in more then a week ,and aagain ,like nothing happened/ he left after a fight, without saying goodbye/ I'm very confused, it's like starting all over again ,when you were prepared for the worst! I'm tired of goin in circles!!!


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