# swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query



## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

If your husband or wife asked you to swear on the bible, on a family member's life and or to take a lie detector test to reassure them that you had been faithful, would you do it

a: if you have been faithful

b: if you had not been faithful

I have good reason to suspect my h has slept with others but have not been able to get proof. Am I being simplistic in thinking that asking him to submit to the above will get me the answers I so desperately need.

Can I assume that if he will not submit to the above that it means he has something to hide. Surely if he claims to love me like he says he does, he would want me to feel secure and reassured and have nothing to fear!!

If you were told by your spouse that your marriage depended on this would you do it and if not why not. Thank you for your time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't swear on family member's lives.

I could swear on the Bible or any other religious book. Doesn't mean much to me.

I wouldn't take a lie detector test. That's very extreme and if you don't trust me, just go and leave me. Geez.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I could swear on the Bible, but I'm an agnostic, so it would mean NOTHING to me.

I could swear on someone's life, but to me, it's only words.

I could take the lie detector, but tell you afterward that I was nervous because you humiliated me by making me take it, and besides, they are not 100% reliable and no judge would admit it as evidence in a court of law.

But, most of all, if I were to tell the truth and it all said I was innocent, would be secure enough to believe it? Or would you still have that nagging little doubt in the back of your mind?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case my WW had no problem swearing on her kids lives that she was not seeing any one.
Cheater lie, thats what they do and do not believe him when he puts his hand on the good book and looks you square in the eye and lies. In his mind he is not cheating, he is with you putting his hand on a bible and giving you answers you want to hear.

Trust your gut.


Get a keylooger, GPS, VAR, look at bank and cell statements, if you got the dough hire a PI.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was pulled over once on suspicious of DUI.

I was so nervous, the cops SWORE I was drunk. LOL I hadn't even had anything to drink and blew a 0.01 into the breathalizer. Probably from my mint gum. 

Point is, nerves play a huge part. If you can't trust someone, leave them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do you think he cheated?


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, my H used the name of the Most High and our Savior in his lies to me during his affairs. My H also wrote a book on the Holy Tabernacle during his affair. So use of the Holy Book means nothing if your not saved.
Some people have no sence of swearing on a life especially if a) not saved and b) a deciver 
Lie detector test work some but are not accurate.....
So I would say that if you wanted to use the lie detector and he said no then yes there is something to hide....sorry your here....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My wife swore on the Bible her father gave to her that nothing was going on, she was just going for coffee with "a friend" and how dare I make her do this because it was "so disrespectful" of me to not trust her.

She was very convincing.

But she had some guy's d!ck inside her within the hour.

Do not trust a cheater's word. They have no respect or shame.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

I note that most if not all the responses so far do not bode well for me gettting any peace of mind by asking him to do the stuff in the title.

Thank you for all the respobses although this is not what I wanted to hear. For me, it is unthinkable that I would not do as asked as I have nothing to hide. I also believe/want to believe my H would feel the same as me but if I cannot trust him to be faithful then why would I trust him to confess all without my having actual evidence. I think I'm still in denial but I don't want to throw away 20 odd years of marriage if I am mistaken. On the other hand my doubts will not go away and I find myself distancing myself from him more and more, which of itself is damaging the relationship. 

I try to be rational and not to jump to conclusions but it's getting harder for me to ignore my gut. Red flags include being uncontactable at times when at work, working late, being OVERLY nice to me, losing his temper, shouting and swearing and storming off when questioned over things that just don't add up (very uncharacteristic as he's nornally very even tempered), disinterest is my sexual needs and little enthusiasm in improving our relationship generally. These things have occurred over time, but I've never been able to prove anything.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

To Michzz, Onthefence16, the guy

I'm so sorry to know that your spouses would stoop to the level of lying with bible in hand, swearing on the lives of children thank you all for posting.



F 102 - I note what you say and have indeed been asking myself if there is anything at all he can do to convince me of his innocence if that is indeed the case - no easy answers.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Personally, I dont swear on anything..and I dont believe people when they do. If you know someone, you can tell when they are jerking you around and when they aren't. Go with the gut, and pry..thats my best advice. 

Anyways...would it really make you feel better if he swore on them? When people feel backed against the wall..and they dont want to tell you something..I dont think they will. 

Remember..a lot of cheaters justify their actions to themselves, so they don't feel bad about doing it.

Its a crappy position to be in..but Id try to go for more concrete evidence, and throw it in his face when he least expects it. That would probably be a better approach than asking him to swear.

Good luck with everything.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> Its a crappy position to be in..but Id try to go for more concrete evidence, and throw it in his face when he least expects it. That would probably be a better approach than asking him to swear.
> 
> Good luck with everything.


I agree with this 100%. Whatever you do don't confront him until you have sufficient proof...or he will discount whatever you say as crazy. Proof trumps all. You say you have good reason to suspect he's been with other women? What is that reason (or reasons)? Do you have proof? If not, gather it. It may not save your relationship (perhaps the exact opposite), but if it is in black and white in front of you and he lies to you about it, would you want to stay with him? I know it's hard...I confronted my stbxw with proof when I left, and she still has not acknowledged wrongdoing to this day. Some people can face what they've done and others can't. The question is what you are willing to take.

It sounds as if you're like me...without ironclad evidence you don't want to make the biggest mistake of your life. So...if you don't have proof - GET IT. This will make your decision so much easier. What happens after that will not be easy (I can guarantee that, as I'm in the midst of it, as are so many others here on this forum). But the decision to stay or leave can be made with the certainty of facts. Once you see the emails/texts/facebook chats, or hear the recorded phone conversation regarding the affair, then you can be confident in your decision, no matter how unthinkable or difficult it may seem at the time. Not sure how tech savvy you are, but if you need any assistance or details, just ask. You will be flooded with help. We know what you're feeling, and you don't deserve to go through this.

And if you do the research and find nothing, then congratulations...you may have jumped to a conclusion or two, and that's okay. Red flags are there because you sense something may be wrong. More often than not, you're right...but not always. I hope the best for you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

None of that stuff matters to me, it`s all meaningless.

It won`t help you.

You`ve got to start snooping to find the evidence, then all the swearing in the world won`t make a difference for him.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

trudy said:


> If your husband or wife asked you to swear on the bible, on a family member's life and or to take a lie detector test to reassure them that you had been faithful, would you do it
> 
> a: if you have been faithful
> 
> ...


 No, I think my H would have sworn on anything just to keep me off his trail. Telling them that the marriage depends on it , would make lying even more likely. These people are able to rationalize damn near anything when they are in the throws of an A. That is why it is so disorienting for the LS. They seem to turn into some one we no longer know.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Trust your gut and gather proof. 

Does he let you use or handle his cellphone? Do you have access to all his accounts like FB and email? Redflag if the answer is "no" to these questions. Plus him being defensive about his whereabouts "not adding up" is a huge redflag.

Keglogger and VAR are great suggestions. I'd also start snooping. Check his glove compartment, trunk, golfbag, any place you'd normally never be handling. You might find condoms or questionable reciepts. Check charges, ATM withdrawls (would pay cash for hotel), and cell phone records (frequent number you don't know). If you have his phone check for texts, picture mail, and contacts. If you have his email check any sent mail. For sure snoop around on his FB account. Also, check his computer history too. If it's always deleted, then he might be hididng something. 

If you have a gut feeling, trust your gut. In hindsight, last year when my H was having an affair, I felt something was off. But, I was too deep in denial to believe it was happening to me. I never had imagined him capable. I truly believe our subconscious picks up on things our conscious brain doens't want to process. We have gut feelings for a reason.

Good luck!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

If the spouse's suspicion is justified, I would swear on anything and be willing to take even a lie detector test. Not doing any of those things would be cruel to the spouse as he/she would suffer in doubt.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

Are there any disloyals who have sworn and lied who are willing to chip in and help my understanding of how why you can justify this at the time pl?

...more later


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I got the whole swearing on the Bible, she even said: "God is my witness!" "I swear to God", everything. Yeah, right. 

And I thought she was a god fearing woman. 

Trudy, the lesson here is that when they are in the fog of the affair, they CAN SAY ANYTHING to cover it up and deny the affair. That's why the advice you will get here is to not believe a word out of their mouth about the affair unless it can be proven.


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## janrobinson (Oct 3, 2011)

I wouldn't swear on anything and I have never cheated on my husband. I do not mean to be disrespectful, but I believe it is immature to ask someone to do that. If you can't find any "proof" you should consider believing him, until you find the "proof" you need. My husband did cheat on me, so I know how you feel with needing to know the truth, but it will come. People cannot do things like that and get away with it. You could be ruing your marriage by constantly accuseing and if you find out one day that he didn't ever cheat you will be left with guilt and a bunch of wasted time you spent searching for "proof" that you didn't enjoy him while you had him, because yes, if you continue to accuse he will eventually get tired of that and leave. 
I mean no disresect by this, I am only offering advice. 
Best wishes. 





trudy said:


> If your husband or wife asked you to swear on the bible, on a family member's life and or to take a lie detector test to reassure them that you had been faithful, would you do it
> 
> a: if you have been faithful
> 
> ...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Think about it this way: cheaters (those of them who are believers anyway) have broken they vows in front of God when they cheated. Lying on the Bible is just a repeat offense at this point.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

trudy said:


> Are there any disloyals who have sworn and lied who are willing to chip in and help my understanding of how why you can justify this at the time pl?
> 
> ...more later


I don't know that I can help you understand what is fundamentally not understandable but I'll give my experience as a wayward. I was a little different in my trip through infidelity than what is considered "standard". I was (still am) happily married, I never for a moment wanted to leave my wife, and I never said or thought anything bad about her or our marriage through the whole thing. Once I realized what I was in (EA only) I made myself a promise that I would never lie to my wife's face about it - big of me right - I was willing to continue on in an emotional affair with another woman but if my wife confronted me I did not intend to lie to her. Does that give any insight into the rationalization of someone in an affair? In reality that promise was nothing but CYA for me - I was smart enough to know that if discovered my odds of saving my marriage were significantly higher if I came completely clean. So when I was caught, by the grace of God I had the good fortune to have about 20 minutes to gather myself before I had to speak and I kept my promise. I gave it all up right then and there. The thing is, I later broke no contact and right after I did my wife just happened to ask me out of the blue, "so still no word from #### (OW)?" I was so startled and shocked that I spit out "no" before I even knew what I had done, but once it was out I couldn't take it back. It was a lie to her face and it was now out there. So even after doing it right at the start I screwed it up and lied when I got surprised. Just to finish the story I woke her up at 2:30am that night and confessed my lie and the breaking of no contact. We got through it. 

So my point is an affair is all lies, cheating, sneaking and betrayal. There is no justification for it. But, when your in it, when you crave and need that affair partner and all the addictive brain chemicals they bring, the most important thing is to stay in it. What you have to say or do doesn't really matter because there's always that fantasy affair world you can retreat to where you're not destroying your marriage and family. 

The best way to try to process the behavior of someone in an affair is to think of them as a drug addict and the affair is their drug.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> ,,, ...I was willing to continue on in an emotional affair with another woman but if my wife confronted me I did not intend to lie to her. Does that give any insight into the rationalization of someone in an affair? In reality that promise was nothing but CYA for me - I was smart enough to know that if discovered my odds of saving my marriage were significantly higher if I came completely clean. ... ....
> 
> The best way to try to process the behavior of someone in an affair is to think of them as a drug addict and the affair is their drug.


My H is well aware of how much I can't tolerate people who refuse to own once they are caught. Not sure now if this is to my advantage or not now. Your post is interesting in that it shows how calculating an addict/cheater can be. I am so naive but I always believed I was sharp and nobody's fool. Thank you for your honesty. My feeling is that my H has no intention of splitting with me - simply wanting to have his cake and eat it I believe.

what is CYA pl ???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cover your ass


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

trudy said:


> what is CYA pl ???


CYA = Cover Your [email protected]@

Yeah - I was a serious cake eater - my OW and my wife both called me out on it. Most waywards will cake eat as long as their spouse will let them. Totally agree about owning your screw ups - to me full disclosure and accountability are corner stones of remorse and learning from your mistakes. Fortunately I knew what I had to do when the moment came. I am thankful for those few minutes to ready myself before I had to reveal it all to my wife though.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

janrobinson said:


> I wouldn't swear on anything and I have never cheated on my husband. I do not mean to be disrespectful, but I believe it is immature to ask someone to do that. If you can't find any "proof" you should consider believing him, until you find the "proof" you need. My husband did cheat on me, so I know how you feel with needing to know the truth, but it will come. People cannot do things like that and get away with it. You could be ruing your marriage by constantly accuseing and if you find out one day that he didn't ever cheat you will be left with guilt and a bunch of wasted time you spent searching for "proof" that you didn't enjoy him while you had him, because yes, if you continue to accuse he will eventually get tired of that and leave.
> I mean no disresect by this, I am only offering advice.
> Best wishes.


I am not at all offended by your response and do really appreciate what you say. It does indeed worry me that I could become paranoid over my suspicions and gut feelings and I agree with what you say about spending all my time worrying rather than enjoying our time together. Over many years I have used this principle to suppress my gut feelings but this time the worry has persisted for months and months on a daily basis and won't go away like it did in the past. I wish it would because it's agony. 

Also, I no longer feel comfortable to be intimate with him which of couse won't belp matters if it turns out he has been faithful.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

RWB said:


> Trudy,
> 
> Cheater are liars by very definition.
> 
> ...


It seems to have taken a very long time for you to finally get proof and I am wondering what was the state of your relationship during this time. How do you go about acting normal for the duration of the time it takes to gather the evidence if it takes a long time? 

It's got to be important to act normal in order for you to be able to gather the proof and to stop them from surmising you are after them and going underground. Likewise, its got to be important to act normal so that in case your suspicions are wrong, you don't want to damage the relationship. I am in the throws of this and can act normal outside the bedroom but in the bedroom no matter how horny I feel I just don't want to go there anymore - it feels like I am disrecpecting myself and I don't want to catch anything either! Sorry to go there, but this is a real problem right now.

Huge thanks to everyone for contributing even though I haven't responded to each individually I do value all posts.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

trudy said:


> Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?


You are trying to force your value system onto others. If others, especially WS who has needs to lie, do not take swearing falsely as a big deal, then that means they just do not share the same values as you do. For example, I think people shouldn't cheat in the first place, but there are many who do. So, what can I do? I just have to accept this as reality. My value system may be noble but unfortunately it is not shared by many others. Ideal and reality are two different things.

I think you are chasing your own tail here.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

trudy said:


> Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?


NO. Well..maybe. I have a HUGE problem with liars. Anyone who feels the need to make up a story..is disgusting to me. And cheaters...are by nature liars.

BUT, to ask someone to swear on ANYTHING..is a little immature if you ask me. ( sorry) ANd to ask a CHEATER, who is by nature, a LIAR..to swear..is just absurd. 

You need a new approach, concrete evidence..do some fishing girl!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Besides being suspicious what have you done to find out what is going on? Checked cell phone records, email, Facebook, VAR , etc.?


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

Having read the experieces and opinions detailed in many of the above posts I do now acknowledge that him swearing on bible or a life just isn't going to get me the reassurance I need, unfortunately. Your responses from the start of this thread and throughout have convinced me it would be a futile exercise and I now know not to waste my time and energy in asking my H to do this. 

Before starting this thread I have employed some electronic devices to find some concrete evidence but to no effect thus far - I need to try more and will, since my gut is still telling me something isn't right.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

trudy said:


> Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?


When I posted the above I was actually referring to a previous post of mine where I said i found it really difficult to continue to be sexual with my H whilst trying to gather evidence of an affair. I should have clarified that I was not referring to the original subject of my thread (swearing etc). Opps!

So please see below.



trudy said:


> ......taken a very long time for you to finally get proof and I am wondering what was the state of your relationship during this time. How do you go about acting normal for the duration of the time it takes to gather the evidence if it takes a long time?
> 
> It's got to be important to act normal in order for you to be able to gather the proof and to stop them from surmising you are after them and going underground. Likewise, its got to be important to act normal so that in case your suspicions are wrong, you don't want to damage the relationship. I am in the throws of this and can act normal outside the bedroom but in the bedroom no matter how horny I feel I just don't want to go there anymore - it feels like I am disrecpecting myself and I don't want to catch anything either! Sorry to go there, but this is a real problem right now.


If I'm avoiding sex he may guess I suspect him of cheating and likely go further underground and then gathering evidence is going to be doubly difficult. So what I'm actually asking is how do you handle the sex side of things when you suspect your partner of cheating and how do you feel about continuing to be sexual with a suspected cheater! Hope I'm making sense.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

trudy said:


> I no
> 
> I try to be rational and not to jump to conclusions but it's getting harder for me to ignore my gut. Red flags include being uncontactable at times when at work, working late, being OVERLY nice to me, losing his temper, shouting and swearing and storming off when questioned over things that just don't add up (very uncharacteristic as he's nornally very even tempered), disinterest is my sexual needs and little enthusiasm in improving our relationship generally. These things have occurred over time, but I've never been able to prove anything.



Trudy,

What actual evidence do you have that makes you think he`s having an affair?

The things you list above can be caused by many things from stress at work to a lack of sleep.

Most here will give you the "trust your gut" mantra but I never trust my gut when things like this are a concern because emotions(your gut) are really the most irrational manner of dealing with anything.

You mention in another thread you have electronic devices in place to monitor him but have found nothing so far.

You need evidence so continue to look for it but set yourself a time limit for it`s discovery otherwise the spying itself can drive you mad.

If you monitor him well for a month or so and nothing comes of it I`d have a sit down with him and ask why he`s behaving the way he is.

Cheating isn`t the root cause of all problems.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

Than you Tacoma

I note what you say and I think giving myself a time limit of a month is a good idea as all of this is truly stressful and I can't go on like this indefinitely. 

In the meantime I will try to treat him innocent until proven guilty. If the boot was on the other foot I would want to be presumed innocent and in withholding etc I certainly have not treated him as such, so I will have to try to do just that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Trudy, go ahead and put me on your s**t list for this, but as my grandmother used to say: "People who look for trouble are the happiest people in the world-they always get what they're looking for."

Is it possible that you are jumping to any conclusion in order to justify your suspicions? Are you so obsessed with being proved right, that you're making the "evidence" fit an uncommitted crime?


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Trudy, go ahead and put me on your s**t list for this, but as my grandmother used to say: "People who look for trouble are the happiest people in the world-they always get what they're looking for."
> 
> Is it possible that you are jumping to any conclusion in order to justify your suspicions? Are you so obsessed with being proved right, that you're making the "evidence" fit an uncommitted crime?


Believe it or not I'm trying hard not to think the worse and would like nothing better than to turn my gut off if I could. And yes it is a great concern of mine that he coud be faithful and my distancing myself from him will signal the beginning of the end and it would be my fault. 

I do believe we need counselling but he has always been dead set against this in the past. Aside from my cheating suspicions of recent months, for the last couple of years we have not communicated very well at all and last year I was at the point of wanting to split with him but we muddled through. 

The main issue for me was him giving me the silent treatment over petty disagree ments and me always having to be the one to initiate trying to make things right. The silent thing is not such an issue anymore as I have recently found a way to occupy myself and not allow him to get to me - I go about my business happily and let him sulk if he chooses to and eventually he gets tired of being silent when he sees it has no effect. However, in general we are still emotionally remote from each other on many levels and whereas years ago we could eventually talk through difficult issues ( when I initiated) and reach a better understanding of each other and kiss and make up, in recent years issues are just shelved and resentnent sets in hard.

I feel it would be humiliating for me to bring up the subject of marriage counselling with him yet again and to be rejected again but feel this is our only hope to move forward positively. More recently I have asked him how we might go about improving our relationship hoping he might have changed his mind and raise the subject of counselling himself but of course he never mentions this. I want to ask him about counselling again but this time if i get rejected I think it will signal the end for us coz I don't know what else I can do. 

He is a bury his head in the sand type of person and hates if I utter the words "can we talk?" I feel done in!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife offered to take a lie detector test in the middle of her affair, knowing I would never go through with it. Once it was revealed, I took her up on it! Best $500 I spent.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> My wife offered to take a lie detector test in the middle of her affair, knowing I would never go through with it. Once it was revealed, I took her up on it! Best $500 I spent.


This is what I have been talking about. In A-related discussion, for some reason, poly has been not given enough credit and respect. It is a powerful tool that if used correctly can really help resolve many confusing situations rather quickly.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If he won't go to MC, go yourself.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If they are cheating on you, lying isn't going to be very difficult for them either. 

Personally, I'm at the point in my life where if I had to go to the FBI techniques to get them to "be honest" I'd rather just take a walk and find someone else. But I'm also a little jaded after losing a marriage to being cheated on. Others swear by it, so it's probably good for them. 


In terms of me personally doing it? Sure, but it doesn't mean much. I don't have any problem though being an open book in terms of her being able to see my Facebook, e-mails, phone texts, etc. Nothing to hide, so nothing to worry about.


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## trudy (Oct 2, 2011)

I really appreciate all the support, comments and experiences and I think my next steps will be more snooping, some sex and IC. 

If I cannot find any proof after a reasonable time but then still don't feel confident of his fidelity I will need to seriously think about us parting, although I hope it won't come to that!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Trudy, I think that the IC idea is great. Even if he is 110% innocent, you would still have doubts. You need to get to the bottom of your lack of trust.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:iagree:


F-102 said:


> Trudy, I think that the IC idea is great. Even if he is 110% innocent, you would still have doubts. You need to get to the bottom of your lack of trust.


IC reallllly helped me


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