# A woman's perspective



## hamilton23 (Dec 14, 2012)

I posed this question in the men's clubhouse for the men's perspective, but would love feedback from women, too. In the way of background, my husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have four kids. Should it be okay for a married man to text a female friend multiple times every day? This is happening in my marriage right now. They text on the way to work, on the way home from work, on weekends, at night. My feeling is that even if this is a platonic friendship as he contends, that type of regular, frequent contact is establishing a friendship with her that he should be trying to have with me. And I also feel it's creating a dangerous comfort level between them that could easily cause it to develop into something physical over time. His feeling is that there's nothing wrong with it as long as the content of their texting is non-sexual. I'm a very conservative and religious person so he thinks I'm just being old-fashioned. I don't believe religious women are the only ones who would object to this. I don't believe any of the women in my life, religious or not, would be okay with this. What is the general feeling about it out there? This issue has caused us so much contention in our marriage that we're looking at marriage counseling and I fear divorce. Really needing some feedback.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I'd be mad if my wife was doing that. That's not cool or appropriate


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

lol, no. Like my new facebook profile pic says.. "If your girlfriend / wife dont like that *****, You dont TALK to that *****"


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hamilton23 said:


> Should it be okay for a married man to text a female friend multiple times every day? This is happening in my marriage right now. They text on the way to work, on the way home from work, on weekends, at night. My feeling is that even if this is a platonic friendship as he contends, that type of regular, frequent contact is establishing a friendship with her that he should be trying to have with me. And I also feel it's creating a dangerous comfort level between them that could easily cause it to develop into something physical over time.


You are insightful, perceptive, and right. Your husband's time would be best spent with you and making his marriage priority one.

I don't give a good cahoot what he has to say about this. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. 

Tell him what you have posted here. I hope you are prepared to enforce boundaries. Time to nip this in the bud. Period.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It's not appropriate.

He is taking valuable time, energy and care and giving those to another woman. We all have only so much attention and energy we can devote to our marriage. There's not an infinite supply of it. Instead of devoting his time to you, another woman gets it. 

The following is something I read on another site and it's taken from religious people who got into affairs. You can see the steps leading to infidelity.
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*Anatomy of adultery..*

*1. Sharing Common Interests.*

"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny." 

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other." 

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with." 

"We both loved horses, and started riding together." 

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work." 

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!" 


*2. Mentally comparing with my mate.*

"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible." 

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time." 

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk. 

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me." 


*3. Meeting emotional needs.*

"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for." 

"She was there when I needed her." 

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing." 

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become." 

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good." 


*4. Looking forward to being together.*

"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier." 

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work." 

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume." 

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there." 

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday." 


*5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.*

"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us." 

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him." 

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down." 

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband." 


*6. Flirting and teasing.*

"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape." 

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us." 

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other." 

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me." 


*7. Talking about personal matters.*

"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about." 

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together." 

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far." 

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt." 

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married." 

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know." 


*8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.*

"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this." 

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame." 

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that." 

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me." 

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too." 


*9. Special notes or gifts.*

"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet." 

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible." 

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss." 

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk." 


*10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.*

"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone." 

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk." 

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often." 

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up." 


*11. Arranging secret meetings.*

"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot." 

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting." 

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other." 


*12. Deceit and cover ups.*

"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us." 

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it." 

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings." 

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?" 

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered." 

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings." 


*13. Kissing and embracing.*

"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war." 

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time." 

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me." 


*14. Petting and high indiscretion.*

"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more." 

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin." 

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified." 

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally." 


*15. Sexual intercourse.*

"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery." 

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other." 

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex." 

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."


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## hamilton23 (Dec 14, 2012)

Thank you very much for the feedback. With a long marriage and several children, I have much to lose so I'm scared to make a rash decision. I don't talk about it with personal acquaintances because I want to protect his privacy, so this is very helpful.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless it's business or family, married people shouldn't be having secret conversations/texts/emails with members of the opposite sex. More often than not, when this happens it is either the start of or is an emotional affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I posted this in your other thread as well.

This book is something both of you really need to get and read.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

What he's doing is called an emotional affair.


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## KindredKinds (Dec 11, 2012)

kipani said:


> lol, no. Like my new facebook profile pic says.. "If your girlfriend / wife dont like that *****, You dont TALK to that *****"


Right on. It isnt fair to you emotionally. He isnt thinking about your feelings at all and that is selfish.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

oh boy, i feel so bad for what you are going through. this is not right what your husband is doing. he is very very attracted to another woman. this is an emotional affair and he's making you out to be the unreasonable one. in any marriage, whatever the situation, if one spouse is doing something that terribly upsets the other spouse, it should stop. And we're not talking about skydiving here, we're talking about a threat to your marriage. even if he doesn't feel like it's threatened, you do. if I found out my husband was texting another woman morning noon and night, I'd be sick sick sick, which I'm sure you are. He has a choice here - you or her. there isn't room for the 3 of you in this marriage. Get him into MC so he can see the damage he is inflicting on your marriage. It's crazy what he's doing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's cheating. So now what are you going to do about it?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, he's cheating. There's no unmessy way to handle it, either. You have to confront and insist that he stop. The Shirley Glass book helps you, but also helps if he's willing to read it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

hamilton23 said:


> I posed this question in the men's clubhouse for the men's perspective, but would love feedback from women, too. In the way of background, my husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have four kids. Should it be okay for a married man to text a female friend multiple times every day? This is happening in my marriage right now. They text on the way to work, on the way home from work, on weekends, at night. My feeling is that even if this is a platonic friendship as he contends, that type of regular, frequent contact is establishing a friendship with her that he should be trying to have with me. And I also feel it's creating a dangerous comfort level between them that could easily cause it to develop into something physical over time. His feeling is that there's nothing wrong with it as long as the content of their texting is non-sexual. I'm a very conservative and religious person so he thinks I'm just being old-fashioned. I don't believe religious women are the only ones who would object to this. I don't believe any of the women in my life, religious or not, would be okay with this. What is the general feeling about it out there? This issue has caused us so much contention in our marriage that we're looking at marriage counseling and I fear divorce. Really needing some feedback.


He's cheating right in front of you.

I hope you can sort this out in counseling. If you fear divorce, you may want to get a job to become financially independent.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Can you look at the text any time, or does he delete them or hide his phone? Best case scenario is he is disrespecting you, worse case he is cheating. Either way, you suffer. I would not tolerate this. I know that you say you fear divorce, but does he? Does he respect your boundaries, or does he think that you would never leave no matter what he does? My H knows that my boundaries are set in stone. While I don't believe in divorce, I also don't believe in abuse, in IMO adultery is abuse. I have made it clear from the beginning that I will NOT tolerate the 3 AAA: adultery, abuse and addiction. We have had our ups and downs, but not with these issues.


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## Orca-gal (Nov 20, 2012)

I have been married for 24 years now, 15 years of that were great except the last 8 years when he entangled himself with another woman. He wrote her letters, sent cards, emailed her, chatted on skype and gmail, phoned, smsed, exchanged pictures. All my warnings, discussions, pleadings, crying seemed to fall on deaf ears. He maintained they were only friends but invested his energies more in this woman. Finally he cut his ties when I applied tough love, I threw him out of my mind, took care of myself, and prepared myself to leave at the right time. What he did was not my baby anymore, I was out of his life though living with him. I still carried out all necessary duties in the home. This eased my pain and i started mapping out my life. When it hit him that I was 'not with him' he made a u-turn to start mending things. Years of disrespect are not easily mended. 

If you do not take a tough stand right now, you will continue to suffer anger, suspicions, resentment and finally your marriage will be either be history or badly damaged. Take a strong stand. 
Wish you the best


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## DeltaBlues (Oct 15, 2012)

Several months ago, as my marriage was falling apart, I reached out to an anonymous person on the internet. I placed an ad on CL soliciting a woman's take on some problems I was having with my wife and my grown daughter. I was at my wits end and really wanted a fresh set of eyes, hopefully objective, on the situation(s). I received a few replies and began exchanging emails with one who struck me as thoughtful and articulate. Email exchanges quickly evolved into chat sessions. At this point I was separating from my wife. She, too, has problems with her marriage. We became each others' sounding board, crying shoulder, therapist, etc. Although its a definition from the e-age, we have also become "friends". We have not had sex. While I am alone, the arrangement has not been a problem for me. It has, I fear, become a problem for her; rather for her husband. And I completely understand why. I would not want my wife communicating with another man the way I have communicated with this woman. As I said, we have not involved sex, but we have articulated feelings, thoughts, etc. to one another that we do not (she says "cannot") share with our respective spouses. It has put me in a conflicted place: on the one hand I feel I need the outlet, the third-party to bounce things off; on the other hand I recognize that we are in different places and - while she says the dialogue "helps" her - I feel it, ultimately, harms her relationship. Which she says she wants to fix. So, my search for a woman's perspective has been somewhat bittersweet: it has got me through rough emotional periods. It has also worried me that - by partaking of a stranger's kindness - I have done some harm to another.


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