# Need some advice about about the kids.



## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Hey all,

Need some advice about a situation I found myself in yesterday and I want to see how some of you would have handled it.

It was my weekend with my kids this past weekend and on Saturday I get a text from the STBXW asking if she could pick the kids up early on Sunday because she was really missing them. Even though it was my weekend I said sure because I knew what she was going through. I had the kids two weekends in a row due to the fact that we switched weekends because of mothers day and her dad was in town in May. She ended up having the kids two weekends in a row and I missed them like crazy so I knew how she was feeling. 

Anyways I started talking to my daughter who began telling me that they were going to spend time with my STBX and her boyfriend. Well as you can imagine that set me off. I only agreed to her picking up the kids early due to the fact that I thought she was going to spend quality time by herself with our kids not bring them over to her boyfriends house. So I called her and told her in a calm way that I wouldn't give up my time with the kids so she could bring them over to her boyfriends house. Which in turn she told me per our conversation on Saturday that I had already agreed to her getting the kids and it shouldn't matter what she was going to do with them.

It turned into a huge fight and she started saying she was going to fight for full custody of the kids and take them away from me. She started calling me a POS and every name in the book. It took everything I had not to explode on her (the old me would have done that at the fist POS that came out of her mouth). My problem was the fact that she didn't tell me the whole story about what she was going to do with the kids because she knew I would have said no to her picking up the kids early. She just doesn't get it.

So my question is what would you have done? How would you have handled it? 

I ended up letting her pick up the kids early because the kids started overhearing our conversation and I just wanted the fighting to end for their sake. I really feel that I was played and I will never let her pick up the kids early ever again because she wants to play mommy. 

Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

You're both extremely wrong.

My first piece of advice is to stick to the custody calendar unless there's a more serious conflict...ie. work travel. You should be documenting any changes to the schedule my email so that its clear and verifiable.

Next, if you argue...why do you communicate by anything but email? Phone conversations are unnecessary and cause drama exactly like what you had. You should stick to email which gives you a clear record of the communication. It should be child focused, polite and succinct.

Regarding you allowing her the day and then having a fit over what she's doing and who she's doing it with??? YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG. If you agreed to the schedule change, you have zero right to interfere in her business and what she does with her time with the kids. Her life and particularly her personal life is none of your business. You are not the gatekeeper for the kids...you don't own them. She as their mother has the right to decide who she sees fit to be in their company. You need to detach from her life...its absolutely and completely none of your business.

She's in the wrong for yelling at you on the phone. Completely stupid. If I were her, I would have documented the change by email so that I had a record of the schedule change. Then I would have documented your refusal to comply with letting her have the kids...then I would have sent you a warning letter from my lawyer letting you know that I'm considering court action for contempt of the court order. She's foolish for dealing with the conflict in a non-business-like manner and having any conversation with you about her personal life.



> My problem was the fact that she didn't tell me the whole story about what she was going to do with the kids because she knew I would have said no to her picking up the kids early. She just doesn't get it.


You're the one that doesn't get it. She should NEVER tell you what she's doing. You're not her boss...you don't get to control her life and you don't gatekeeper the kids, they aren't your property...her life is none of your business.

You seem to have major control issues. Move on with your own life and stop violating boundaries.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Full custody is rare today. It is not as it was in 1974. She is 

wanting a reaction out of you. Stay cool, firm, dispassionate.

It IS your business where your kids go, you are a parent as well.

But...... she was spending time with them, it was just whom she was

spending the time with them with, that infuriated you.

Completely understandable, just stick to the schedule. The next

time she blows up at you for not getting what she wants with

the children... say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If she keeps on

say, "I'm not comfortable where this this conversation is headed" 

and hang up. Do not put up with her anger dumps. 

If you are willing to compromise your time with the kids, to help

out a STBX, there had to be a reason, maybe her poor mouthing

about missing them. Which tells you, do not believe anything that

comes out of her mouth, watch what she does, not what she says.

With the kids, best to go email unless emergency and.... businesslike

If you did the same thing to her, I would bet a crate of oranges you 

could hear her scream six counties away. All in all, you tried to be

nice and look where it got you...... I bet you got the same results

throughout the M too.


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Nikita,

Thanks but I believe your being a little judgemental without knowing what I went through in my marriage (which I get because you don't know me).

First off I am the farthest thing from controling, that was my wife throughout this marriage. I finally got my balls back and am standing up for myself. So if you think that's controlling so be it. Second she wasn't up front with me about what she was doing. She knew I wouldn't let her pick the kids up early to spend time with her and her boyfriend (this was preplaned). Why would I ever give up my time with my kids so they can be with the OM. Also I do have a right to interfere when it effects my kids. My son told me he rather stay with me than go to her boyfriends house however, he is to afraid to hurt his moms feelings so he won't tell her this.

I will say this though I did honor my decision however it has opened my eyes and the decision that I made will never happen again. 

I could care less about what she does in her time w/without the kids (unless she puts them in harms way). My problem with this whole thing was that she wasn't upfront with me and her plans. Again that's what I had the problem with. She was playing her games.

Also there is no court order. We haven't even gone through the courts yet. My lawyer is still picking through her financials because something isn't adding up.


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Chuck,

Thank you and I will take your advice. 

Your right about me trying to be nice but it blew up in my face. Also I will keep my communication to email or text only. I just feel sometimes tone of the email or text can be taken the wrong way.

Again thank you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know this stings.
Sadly, what she does with the kids during her custody time is irrelevant. She's not putting them in harms way, she is doing something you don't like.
Sure you could say it wasn't the best parenting decision, and yes you could correctly argue that she wasn't completely honest with you. And that's as far as that's going to get you.

Let's say it went to court and you raise this incident as part of your evidence in your case. A judge could properly conclude that 1) the mother did miss the children and was not dishonest in her communications and 2) the mother and kids were spending quality time together, albeit at the home of an acquaintance. Then you come off looking like a control freak even though I completely believe that you aren't. Its all about the spin, sadly.

How long as joint custody been going on? Unless there is a substantial change of circumstances the courts won't change it.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Thanks but I believe your being a little judgemental without knowing what I went through in my marriage (which I get because you don't know me).


Completely and utterly irrelevant.

You're divorced. Your ex's personal life is not your concern. Period.



> It IS your business where your kids go, you are a parent as well.


If she's taking them on a vacation, he has a right to an itinerary. If she's in her usual locale, he has zero right to dictate how she spends time with her own children. Her personal life is none of his business. He agreed to the schedule change.



> My problem with this whole thing was that she wasn't upfront with me and her plans. Again that's what I had the problem with. She was playing her games.


Good lord...you don't get it. YOU ARE DIVORCED. She doesn't have to be upfront with you. In fact, she should NEVER tell you anything about her personal life. Its none of your damned business.

If you don't want to change the schedule, that's well within your rights on your custody days. She can do the same on her days. In fact, that's the smart thing to do...stick to the arranged schedule.

However, you DO NOT get to set conditions on what she does with the kids and who she, as their mother, deems fit to spend time in their company.

Your past relationship with this woman is OVER. You are divorced...this is a custody/access decision....and her right to privacy in her personal life is absolute. If you think your kids are in danger, you call the authorities...otherwise, mind your own business.

Move on with your own life...she's obviously moved on with hers.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You're either giving up time for them to spend it with their mother or you aren't. It doesn't matter where they spend it. Or who with. It's time you aren't with them. Get over it. This isn't the days of Puritans.

I would suggest you never stray from the parenting schedule unless it tilts in your favor. Always get your time first also. So if you give up a day, get two first.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, Nikita has some good points, as does Chuck. If you feel that your stbx's arrangements cause emotional distress to your children, you have a right to address it. but, her personal life is not your business.

I would recommend no longer doing anything "nice" for her re the schedule. I know that anytime I do something nice for my X, whether it is providing extra information about the kids or being flexible, it comes back and bites me in the a$$. Keep everything by the books and professional and only on email.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Your divorced as Nikita stated, unless your children are threatened I do not see how your wife's personal life is your business. Stop being so controlling OP.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

They are not divorced yet. STBX. As such, it is the early stages. Stop being so hard on the op. Depending on the age of the kids and just how long they have been separated, he has every right to be pissed about the om.


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