# How should I feel?



## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

I recently caught my wife of ten years flirting with other men on her phone. 
My wife and I have been married for ten years. We have four beautiful kids. I work out of town on ships for 4-6 weeks at a time.
About three years ago my wife's best friend got in a nasty divorce. After finding out the truth my wife and I backed the husband. He is a child hood friend. My wife and him became best friends. Over the last three years he comes over with his kids all the time. When I am not home he spends Christmas, Halloween and other holidays at my house. Sometimes with his kids sometimes not. My wife and him text everyday. He drives her to the bar. I want to trust the fact that he is a friend of mine, but I know he is way better friends with my wife. 
My wife began talking with a much younger guy. He is the son of a family friend. I came home and went to a BBQ and noticed excessive flirting. My wife has always been kind of a flirt but whenever we were together she made me feel like number 1. That's gone. Our sex life is practically nonexistent. I told her I was not ok with this younger guy. She defended herself and continued to focus on him. I let it go and a few months later accidentally found some texts where she was meeting him without telling me. "stopping by for a smooch" At the same time I found more texts to another guy that works at the bar she goes too. She says it was all a joke.
I have asked her to stop contact with both guys and she has agreed. 
The question is what about the guy who talks to her all the time and is always coming over. She talks to him way more than I do. I feel like the third wheel. I have major trust issues with her right now. She has taken her phone off our joint account and does not let me see anything. 
What do I do?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

What do you do? Set boundaries ASAP and tell her that what she is doing is a deal breaker. I would look for a career change immediately. You also need to start monitoring her activity with VAR and if possible a Private Investigator while you are away from home.

Chances this is a PA already = 99.99%


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry but I see major red flags. There is a reason she is not letting you see anything. That reason is that she has things to hide. 

Why is another man taking your wife to the bar 

Why is another man visiting her when you are not home. 

Neither of the above should have been permitted, friend or not. Also taking her phone off the joint account so she can hide it. Really. 

You may want to consider using a var while you are home. Search for posts by weightlifter for how to do that. 

I am sorry you are here but have a feeling this is much worse than you realize at the moment. 

Do you have access to her old phone. Can you read any texts from it. 

Does she use a pc. If yes put a keylogger on it as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would be surprised if this is not a pa.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're gone for 4 to 6 weeks at a time, but how much time are you home in between?

The other relationships were physical. "Smooching" is physical, and is likely a euphemism for having sex. And just because your wife has agreed to not talk or see these guys, why should you believe it? What you should believe is that she won't do it again and leave evidence.

And why do you mention this mysterious "bar" repeatedly? Why is a married woman with kids hanging out in a bar?

Personally, you've got more red flags waving than a Chinese parade. I'd invest in a PI to see if you can get to the bottom of it. But I'd be making preparations by talking to a lawyer. With you being gone so much, repairing your marriage is going to be exceedingly difficult. 

C


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

workindad said:


> I would be surprised if this is not a *COUPLE* pa's.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fixed that for you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would she feel if you had an affair?

She does not respect you. Respect yourself. If she will not follow the boundaries for being married, set her free. 

Give her the divorce papers. You have been given excellent advice on how to find out what is going on. However, from what you said, she appears to be having affairs. She will not stop and marriage is hard work for two people trying to make it. She is not trying at all. Set her free and yourself at the same time.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> I recently caught my wife of ten years flirting with other men on her phone.
> My wife and I have been married for ten years. We have four beautiful kids. I work out of town on ships for 4-6 weeks at a time.
> About three years ago my wife's best friend got in a nasty divorce. After finding out the truth my wife and I backed the husband. He is a child hood friend. My wife and him became best friends. Over the last three years he comes over with his kids all the time. When I am not home he spends Christmas, Halloween and other holidays at my house. Sometimes with his kids sometimes not. My wife and him text everyday. He drives her to the bar. I want to trust the fact that he is a friend of mine, but I know he is way better friends with my wife.
> My wife began talking with a much younger guy. He is the son of a family friend. I came home and went to a BBQ and noticed excessive flirting. My wife has always been kind of a flirt but whenever we were together she made me feel like number 1. That's gone. Our sex life is practically nonexistent. I told her I was not ok with this younger guy. She defended herself and continued to focus on him. I let it go and a few months later accidentally found some texts where she was meeting him without telling me. "stopping by for a smooch" At the same time I found more texts to another guy that works at the bar she goes too. She says it was all a joke.
> ...


Tell her to dump the boyfriend, or get out. Ask why she needs her phone off the joint account. The only right answer is that she'll let you see the bill even if it's on another account if you're concerned, and give you access to the online password for it to make you feel better. Since it's a shady move. Don't be her plan B.. don't let her use you for security, and use other men for love and affection..


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

How old are your kids. 

Do a quick google search for paternity testing. It is cheap painless and private. She does not need to participate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How do you feel about your wife? Still madly in love?

What kind of complaints does she have about you? How does she treat you at home in private? Does she text or email often when you're away?

What do you want to see happen?

It appears she is having at least one sexual affair. Teenagers might stop at smootching - but adults - hardly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This ain't exactly a simple EA, my friend. It has blossomed well beyond that, given your absence coupled along with your non-existent sex life, and the verbal intonations of physical contact per the texts. And, for the great majority of adults, that physical contact doesn't just stop at precursory cranial kissing, but extends to the same occurring well below the waistline!

As is, if you need more damning information about her, then the PI route should be your next option; and you should already be in the act of contacting legal counsel to explore protecting yourself!

She's simply playing you for a fool!*


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you are going to go the route of more investigating. You need to back off with voicing suspicion.

Weightlifter has a thread if you want to know follow his advice. 

But she already knows you suspect and has taken whatever she is doing further underground. She s not going to tell you. If she does she sounds like she will follow typical script.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *This ain't exactly a simple EA, my friend. It has blossomed well beyond that, given your absence coupled along with your non-existent sex life, and the verbal intonations of physical contact per the texts. And, for the great majority of adults, that physical contact doesn't just stop at precursory cranial kissing, but extends to the same occurring well below the waistline!
> 
> As is, if you need more damning information about her, then the PI route should be your next option; and you should already be in the act of contacting legal counsel to explore protecting yourself!
> 
> She's simply playing you for a fool!*


That was a truly tactful breakdown! :iagree::iagree:


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Your wife is "cake-eating": You fulfill her need for a provider (home, money, father for children, etc). Then at the same time she has other men to fulfill her other needs (need for conversation, flirtations,etc to make her feel good about herself, etc).
I read your other posts in the forum. So your wife may be attracted to other women as well. So she likes other men....other women....just not attacted to you anymore. 

She has removed her phone from the family phone account so that you can't monitor her. This is easy to understand. Because, she knows that if you knew the entire story as to what is going on, that no one in their right mind would allow her to continue with what she is doing. 

To me, a spouse that removes their phone account & makes it into an individual account is a strong Red Flag. It just screams that something is suspicious. It would to anyone in this situation.
I think like other posters, that you should be gathering evidence (VAR, gps for her vehicle, monitor computer, etc). 

Now that your wife knows that you are asking questions, she could probably start hiding what she is doing more carefully. She says that she will stop talking to the other two guys, but I really doubt she will. Why should she? They are making her feel great about herself. I think she will keep contacting them, but she'll just hide it better. 

I don't know the specifics of your relationship with this other man that visits your home. But If you want confirmation from others that this is odd behavior....umm, yeah it is. I'm here to tell you that anyone with a right mind would be supicious in the same situation. Your wife is playing a game right now.

As far as your question, maybe you can visit this guy & ask him leading questions about his connection to your wife. Maybe ask his kids as well. The point is that someone knows the truth about the entire story. And right now, that is not you. You know some of the pieces of the puzzle but not everything. Your wife certainly isnt going to tell you anything more. She will just down play it all. She even may not be admitting it to herself what is really happening.

Gather evidence. Find out what is going on.....you & your children deserve to know the truth.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

RClawson said:


> Chances this is a PA already = 99.99%


Sex with OP has dropped off altogether - it's coz in her twisted brain she doesn't want to "cheat" on her new boyfriend(s).

Chances of PA... let's round that percentage off to 100%.

She laughs it off as a joke eh? Happy to let you fund the lifestyle while she gets her plans in place to move into her own apartment - 'the time apart saga' - while she gets the boys coming round. 

I'd have had to fight myself not to attack her. Good thing you kept your cool at this time.

*Don't trust anything she says*, investigate on the sly and carry on reading up on here.

Lots of people here who have been through this disrespect and come out of it better than before, if a bit sadder.

Best wishes!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP to your original question about how you should feel 

Betrayed and lied to seem the most appropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

As far as boundaries, I told her the bar was off limits. And going out to get drunk is not ok. She said ok but has since gone to the bar. I also said open communications on phone. She has continued to lock me out of her phone bills. Honestly I am not madly in love with her. I'm being an ******* about everything. She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. But she tells me I will not put limits on her. In my mind I feel like it is over. She tells me it is my decision but I think it is hers.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't be making boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. And yes, I think it's pretty much over. Your decision is whether you're willing to be a cuckold and let her use you. But your marriage itself is over, since she isn't willing to change her behaviours.

C


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Joe Jr. said:


> As far as boundaries, I told her the bar was off limits. And going out to get drunk is not ok. She said ok but has since gone to the bar. I also said open communications on phone. She has continued to lock me out of her phone bills. Honestly I am not madly in love with her. I'm being an ******* about everything. She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. But she tells me I will not put limits on her. In my mind I feel like it is over. She tells me it is my decision but I think it is hers.


Well if she's adament about refusing to adhere to boundaries then I don't see much hope here. It looks like both of you are done with this marriage.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> As far as boundaries, I told her the bar was off limits. And going out to get drunk is not ok. She said ok but has since gone to the bar. I also said open communications on phone. She has continued to lock me out of her phone bills. Honestly I am not madly in love with her. I'm being an ******* about everything. She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. But she tells me I will not put limits on her. In my mind I feel like it is over. She tells me it is my decision but I think it is hers.


Holy smokes, in this short post there are at least seven data points indicating that both of you have checked out. I wish you well.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> As far as boundaries, I told her the bar was off limits. And going out to get drunk is not ok. She said ok but has since gone to the bar. I also said open communications on phone. She has continued to lock me out of her phone bills. Honestly I am not madly in love with her. I'm being an ******* about everything. She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. But she tells me I will not put limits on her. In my mind I feel like it is over. She tells me it is my decision but I think it is hers.


Make it your decision, take that control away from her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> The question is what about the guy who talks to her all the time and is always coming over. She talks to him way more than I do. I feel like the third wheel. I have major trust issues with her right now. She has taken her phone off our joint account and does not let me see anything.
> What do I do?


 Tell her that you have trust issues because she can't act in a proper way and her flirting is what's causing it.

Next thing is you tell her that she has a choice. Either start acting like a wife with boundaries or she's free to move on.

The problem is you let this go from a mole hill to a mountain. The first time you saw her flirting with a guy is when you should have dropped the hammer and let her know that it won't be tolerated. 

Right now, she shows no respect for your feelings and it will continue until you let her know what the consequences will be if she doesn't clean up her act.

Don't try to do this with a nice guy attitude because your now seeing where that got you. Let her know in a way that your not fooling around and if it continues she's going to get a life changing lesson.

Another thing. This business of this guy driving her to the bar has to stop. Let her know that and you let this so called friend know that he's crossing the line and to find some other friends because he not showing you any friendship of any kind. Don't play games and hold your ground and put the ball in her corner. If she drops it then at least you gave her notice.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Setting boundaries that you do not enforce only makes you look weak. Weak is not attractive. 

Read up on the 180 and do it for yourself. 

Your wife obviously has zero respect for you and zero respect for your marriage. She is telling you that the bar and her secrets are worth more to her than you are. 

She places more value on going to the bar without you and hiding her phone than she does on your family. 

I'm sorry but this does not bode well for your continued marriage. 

Do a hard 180 and seek immediate legal advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> If you are going to go the route of more investigating. You need to back off with voicing suspicion.
> 
> Weightlifter has a thread if you want to know follow his advice.
> 
> But she already knows you suspect and has taken whatever she is doing further underground. She s not going to tell you. If she does she sounds like she will follow typical script.


:iagree:

DO NOT CONFRONT HER NOW. I think your marriage is over. She has no shame. Shame is required for R. Your choice now is do you want to know the dirt before you D or not? If you don’t care to know, then just talk to a lawyer without telling her and follow their advice. 

If you want to know, or it provides some benefit for you in the D, get the proof. You have been given excellent advice here. All that I could add is to maybe put a VAR in your bedroom at home. She seems to feel so entitled that I bet she’s bringing at least one of them home. You might consider a video camera. Get professional advice for that.

Once you get your proof, you might want to lie about your work schedule and come home a day or two early.
Catching them in the act seems to speed things up.
Good Luck


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Stopping by for a smooch? You would have to be in deep denial not to believe that she is having sex with this guy. She continues to go to bars against your wishes. What do you think she does at the bars. Do you think she goes to discuss world affairs?

Time for you to seek a lawyer because it seems that she does not really care what you think. You deserve better.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow! First do not set boundaries unless you are willing to back them up. The biggest red flag is she is a flirt combined with no sex. 

I just watched my sister trample her husband this way and in the last 18 months she has been f'ing 3 different guys. No Boundaries, phone cover ups. Show her where the door is and tell her not to let it hit her in the ass as she is going.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> Your wife is "cake-eating": You fulfill her need for a provider (home, money, father for children, etc).


The only reason your wife would stay with you after 180 or confrontation is the above. 



bryanp said:


> Stopping by for a smooch? You would have to be in deep denial not to believe that she is having sex with this guy. She continues to go to bars against your wishes. What do you think she does at the bars. Do you think she goes to discuss world affairs?


She’s having too much fun and all but coming out and telling you that she is fooling around.

Do you want to keep her under those conditions?

As someone else said, DNA the kids. Kit at Walmart costs $30. Mail it to a lab for processing costs another $130.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This is also a really good time to do a quick credit report, all finances and make an appt. with an attorney. Do NOT tell her you are doing any of this.

Stay calm no more threats that you don't act on and nothing that can hurt you further. Things will get ugly quick if you rock her boat. Be prepared.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> This is also a really good time to do a quick credit report, all finances and make an appt. with an attorney. Do NOT tell her you are doing any of this.
> 
> Stay calm no more threats that you don't act on and nothing that can hurt you further. Things will get ugly quick if you rock her boat. Be prepared.


Great advice!

Does she have a job? 

She seems checked out - her telling you 'you have nothing to worry about' translates into "mind your own business and stay out of mine". 

See a lawyer.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> This is also a really good time to do a quick credit report, all finances and make an appt. with an attorney. Do NOT tell her you are doing any of this.
> 
> Stay calm *no more threats *that you don't act on and nothing that can hurt you further. *Things will get ugly quick if you rock her boat. Be prepared*.


Amen

When laughing turns to rage... that's how you know you've become a credible threat... and when the other person is upset they make the mistakes which will ensure they lose in the end.

Surprise can turn every battle into a total defeat.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. But she tells me I will not put limits on her. In my mind I feel like it is over. She tells me it is my decision but I think it is hers.


She right Joe my man. You have nothing to worry about because the marriage is over and has been over for a while. No woman lets you put limits on them. They put limits on themselves because they want to stay in the relationship. And you're right its her decision because her decision was made long ago and its that she doesn't want to be saddled with you. Obviously, you feel the same since it doesn't bother you to stay away weeks at the time. Time to cash in your chips Dawg. The table has closed.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings---but you have no chance in this situation

---you are gone for 4 to 6 week periods, with a wife who is messing around with other men/who likes to go to a bar, and defies you, when a boundary was laid down/who defies you and continues conversations, and whatever else, even tho you requested a boundary as to NC

Your wife is gonna play while you are away---that is it, in a nutshell----you can threaten whatever you want, but you are never gonna know-------there are those here, who can instruct you on the use of spy equipment---but bottom line, she is cheating whether you are home or away, whether you install spy equip. or not.

You need to threaten D/or file for D, and hopefully she will figure it all out---

10 yrs into a mge, things get boring, same old, same old---your wife obviously wants some foreign spice---and it seems that she is gonna take it, whether you like it or not, and being by herself for 4 to 6 weeks is a killer.

You can protest, and hope she will stop, but it seems as if she has her game down, and she doesn't care---she is challenging you---and she is winning-----kids or no kids---D may be a much better option, than continuing to live in the misery you are in, which will continue----its your life----just remember one thing---you only get one trip thru life---it is spose to be enjoyable---at this point your life is far, far, far, from enjoyable


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

she right, it is your decision. so just tell her you have made it an will see lawyer.

I mean come on man. you don't need us to tell you this friend, the guy at the bar, the kid an smooching means she is screwing them.

you don't need anything more than changing fone plans to tell you what is more important to her.

Joe, new year, new life


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