# How to get him to talk?



## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

I'll make it short - husband is 28 - I am 25 and we've been together for 6 years married for 2. No kids - no house - no shared accounts.

I'm the one who initially brought up separation about a month ago. I'm unhappy in our marriage - there is no love or affection anymore and it's more like we are just roommates. 

He claims that he has felt the same way for about a year - of course he never said anything to me about it until i brought it up a month ago. 

Here's my problem and where i'm hoping to find advice. I'm not sure if I want to break up and I think i will be able to know once he and i can sit and talk about our relationship - what needs we both have, what we want out of it, where we see this going. He will not talk. It's not angry or vindictive or cold shoulder... he just does not know how to have a conversation. He will sit and listen but never respond - even when prodded. If I want to talk about baseball (which we both love) he can do it. If I want to talk about video games he can do it. As a kid he says he always had a hard time expressing emotion which I understand but I'm getting frustrated and tired of not knowing what he is thinking or wants or how he thinks we can fix this.

I've tried different methods. Having conversations - Writing letter - having him pick a song to show me how he feels... but all have failed.

What can i try to do so he will to talk to me or at least express his emotions to me? This is one of the biggest potential causes towards us separating.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You cannot make him. It sounds like you have tried several methods. Get in mc and see if that helps. Mc is best at helping communication. 

An emotionally quite wife was part of my issue as well. I know how frustrating it is. There really isn't anything you can do besides mc or wait for him to speak. Long long pauses might help you, but he has to want to talk to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

If and when you figure out how to get him to talk, PLEASE PLEASE let me know!!!!! I've been dealing with the same thing for years (married almost 23 years now). We can talk about buying a car or house repairs or who picked up the mail today, but anything that turns out to be remotely emotional or uncomfortable, and I could have a better conversation with a rock out in my back yard.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

There's obviously some sort of defensive behavior going on here- have you let him know that there's nothing to lose at this point (if you're already splitting then it can't get much worse) by opening up and perhaps it can save the marriage?


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## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

Thanks all for the responses!



anx said:


> You cannot make him. It sounds like you have tried several methods. Get in mc and see if that helps. Mc is best at helping communication... Long long pauses might help you, but he has to want to talk to talk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suppose I know that I can't make him talk but I'm just searching for other possible methods to try. When we do talk about the downfall of our marriage if I ask him a question I sit and wait - as long as 15 minutes in the past - before i re-ask. 

I'm calling mc today to set up an appointment. He said he would go if I go by myself first... it's something, though.



Almostrecovered said:


> There's obviously some sort of defensive behavior going on here- have you let him know that there's nothing to lose at this point (if you're already splitting then it can't get much worse) by opening up and perhaps it can save the marriage?


I completely agree with you that it's defensive we never scream or yell at each other - really passive aggressive. He knows that it's at the end and I keep trying to tell him that the best way to fix it will be to talk about it... to no avail.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

clooneyisagenius said:


> T
> I completely agree with you that it's defensive we never scream or yell at each other - really passive aggressive. He knows that it's at the end and I keep trying to tell him that the best way to fix it will be to talk about it... to no avail.



and what happens if you ever do scream and yell? Does he shut down more? 

also, what happens when you have discussed sticky issues in the past? Do you listen and not judge or do you stick to your guns and get defensive yourself? I was somewhat passive aggressive myself and tried to avoid conflict. I would often give in on what I wanted in order to get away from arguing and just please myself in some other way later. After my wife's affair I recognize how this attitude was part of what led up to a bad marriage. (we have since reconciled and have a very strong marriage now in the past 2 years) One of the things we did was to take a chunk of time out of the day each night and had an open discussion of anything that we wanted to bring up. We made it a blame free zone, would allow the other to speak their mind/concerns and respond calmly without getting defensive. We recognized that having feelings or a different opinion on how something should be done wasn't bad but rather could be a strength. We both really started to see things from the other person's point of view and while we don't agree on everything (would be impossible) we can understand each other much better now and realize that we aren't out to hurt the other through our actions and interpret the other's actions in a better light.

Hope that helps, can't do much if you don't have a willing partner, but it can't hurt to give it a go...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think mc is the only place you can really fix it. He is so ingrained with this pattern he needs to want to change it. Maybe a book on communication would help, but I think a good mc is your best chance.


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## clooneyisagenius (Jul 2, 2011)

anx said:


> I think mc is the only place you can really fix it. He is so ingrained with this pattern he needs to want to change it. Maybe a book on communication would help, but I think a good mc is your best chance.


I got the name of a local MC from a co-worker today so I will be calling tomorrow. i'm just not sure that it will help him talk but it's worth a shot, right?

I also did try a book but the only problem is that it had religious undertones to it and he does not 'believe' in any religion and refused to follow. I suppose i can't blame him though - I can't make him believe in something that he doesn't.




Almostrecovered said:


> and what happens if you ever do scream and yell? Does he shut down more?
> 
> also, what happens when you have discussed sticky issues in the past? Do you listen and not judge or do you stick to your guns and get defensive yourself?


We just never really do yell and scream. I think I did once because I was so frustrated that he wouldn't talk and he just continued to say nothing. I can tell he's listening when I talk - which is nice - but I just don't see how this can be fixed when i have no idea what he wants or thinks.

Historically, when he talks I'm generally in a sort of shock so I don't say anything. I do judge what he's saying - i can't lie - but I do it in my head and say nothing until he is done. I'm working on being better about it but it's a slow process when he so rarely talks.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

It is worth a shot. I think mc will be really good. Be sure to get one who is licensed for mc. Lmft is the acronym. 

Of all the things to make sure you chose wisely, mc is one of them.

Best of luck and God bless.


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