# Facebook and EX



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Would you guys find it appropriate that your girlfriend has men on her FB that she has had sex with??
Personaly, I don't like it,, looking for trouble


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I agree. I asked my wife not to do it. If you are in a committed LTR, then you have every right to be uncomfortable and ask her not to do it and unfriend them. Your not married though, so this should be interesting.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Chances are high that they simply don't realize how wrong it is and haven't thought about it.

Facebook will force you to accept things that are really messed up, without you even knowing it.

Reason#56643453 why I don't recommend it....EVER

It's worthless, actually I take that back, it's HARMFUL. Waste of time. Most would be 10x better of simply living a life and being around the important people in their life.

I can go on and on........


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

My husband and I don't have Facebook accounts for this very reason. Neither one of us find a need to keep in touch with exes they are an ex for a reason. At one point we both did have Facebook accounts but we quickly saw how it could create drama. We don't need that in our lives, so we quit Facebook.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

rep said:


> Would you guys find it appropriate that your girlfriend has men on her FB that she has had sex with??


Yes, that's no problem at all.

Why do you think she'd cheat?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO has her ex and a number of ex boyfriends as FB friends. I have my ex on mine. I have no problems with it, either way. 

If someone's going to cheat, who's on their friend list in FB isn't going to be the deciding factor. As a matter of fact, I cheated on my ex. I was very specific in finding someone OUTSIDE my social circle as an affair partner. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Danger. Danger. Danger.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

rep said:


> Would you guys find it appropriate that your girlfriend has men on her FB that she has had sex with??
> Personaly, I don't like it,, looking for trouble


Can you define "girlfriend?"

Have you told her it bothers you? What was her response?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Generally I'm of the opinion that if your married you should not be FB friends with old boyfriends or girlfriends. Just no reason for it. But if your just dating and are still FB friends with an ex because you parted on good terms, I think your boyfriend of girlfriend needs to deal with that so long as there is nothing going on there. After all, if you can't trust them when your dating, their not going to change if you marry them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I have an ex as a facebook friend. I don't know my wife's exes, so I don't know if any of her male FB friends are exes, and I don't care if they are. 

Staying in touch with an ex is a good way to remind yourself why they are an ex.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I have an ex as a facebook friend. I don't know my wife's exes, so I don't know if any of her male FB friends are exes, and I don't care if they are.
> 
> Staying in touch with an ex is a good way to remind yourself why they are an ex.


Why would you need a reminder is the big question.......


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> My SO has her ex and a number of ex boyfriends as FB friends. I have my ex on mine. I have no problems with it, either way.
> 
> If someone's going to cheat, who's on their friend list in FB isn't going to be the deciding factor. As a matter of fact, I cheated on my ex. I was very specific in finding someone OUTSIDE my social circle as an affair partner.
> 
> ...


Umm, so people are supposed to feel great about having poor boundaries because somebody who cheats says it's OK?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TimeHeals said:


> Umm, so people are supposed to feel great about having poor boundaries because somebody who cheats says it's OK?


No, people are supposed to realize that if their partner is disposed to cheating on them, the fact that their ex is or isn't their friend on FB isn't going to stop it from happening. If nothing else, you can message and cyberstalk people you're not friends with. 

Just trying to prevent a false sense of security. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TimeHeals said:


> Umm, so people are supposed to feel great about having poor boundaries because somebody who cheats says it's OK?


Or am one the wrong website? Was this one called "Talk About Marriage, But Only If You've Never Cheated"? I keep getting confused...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Facebook sucks ass. 

No one should be using it...married or unmarried. 

As Obi Wan said..."You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.."


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Exes should not have any place in your life, whether you are married or in a relationship. Either way it's disrespectful towards the other partner. 
Unless you have a child with said ex, then I think it's worthless and adds unneeded drama to the relationship.

Facebook exes are one of the worst situations to keep in touch with your past.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Facebook sucks ass.
> 
> No one should be using it...married or unmarried.
> 
> As Obi Wan said..."You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.."


Put Twitter up there also.
This one guy in the office when he goes to lunch there go the thumbs on the phone.:slap:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Exes should not have any place in your life, whether you are married or in a relationship. Either way it's disrespectful towards the other partner.
> Unless you have a child with said ex, then I think it's worthless and adds unneeded drama to the relationship.
> 
> Facebook exes are one of the worst situations to keep in touch with your past.



:iagree:


Word.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Really, at the point where I feel I have to dictate to my partner about who he has on his facebook, I really should be questioning why I chose to marry him. If he had 'befriended' all his past shags, he wouldn't be him, and I wouldn't be with him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

breeze said:


> Really, at the point where I feel I have to dictate to my partner about who he has on his facebook, I really should be questioning why I chose to marry him. If he had 'befriended' all his past shags, he wouldn't be him, and I wouldn't be with him.


^^This.

If you have to dictate to your partner about this kind of thing you've got bigger problems than FB. This is not about FB, but core values and boundaries.

FB is quite simple really - if you wouldn't tell a stranger, don't put it on FB.

If you wouldn't be friends with that person in real life, don't be friends on FB.

If your partner is really going to cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

HINT

EX means history
FB means not EX

Do the math.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I will agree that you should not be FB friends (or regular friends) with an ex (especially one you've slept with). My GF did not initially agree but upon my request removed hers. I think she understands it a BIT better now, but that said, in the end it was a boundary I set and she respected. When she agreed to the request she did ask me what I would do if she didn't.. I said I'd be hurt. I don't know how hurt. I would think it would be enough that I would not want to go further (ie serious GF or wife) if that person felt maintaining that relationship was better than me. 

Just my two cents. others obviously are OK with it, but like a lot of things, its really whats OK with the couple, not some generic rule.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

devotion said:


> I will agree that you should not be FB friends (or regular friends) with an ex (especially one you've slept with). My GF did not initially agree but upon my request removed hers. I think she understands it a BIT better now, but that said, in the end it was a boundary I set and she respected. When she agreed to the request she did ask me what I would do if she didn't.. I said I'd be hurt. I don't know how hurt. I would think it would be enough that I would not want to go further (ie serious GF or wife) if that person felt maintaining that relationship was better than me.
> 
> Just my two cents. others obviously are OK with it, but like a lot of things, its really whats OK with the couple, not some generic rule.


Indeed, the choice to move forward in a relationship or not is built on many small interactions like this, and not every interaction will be enough in itself to make or break a relationship. I think of it like a set of scales, because not everyone will be absolutely perfect for each other straight up, but if there are too many of these conflicting boundaries the scales will tip towards 'not moving forward'.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rep, how long have you two been together?

Are you FB friends with her to see what she does and has done on FB?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

devotion said:


> I will agree that you should not be FB friends (or regular friends) with an ex (especially one you've slept with). My GF did not initially agree but upon my request removed hers. I think she understands it a BIT better now, but that said, in the end it was a boundary I set and she respected. When she agreed to the request she did ask me what I would do if she didn't.. I said I'd be hurt. I don't know how hurt. I would think it would be enough that I would not want to go further (ie serious GF or wife) if that person felt maintaining that relationship was better than me.
> 
> Just my two cents. others obviously are OK with it, but like a lot of things, its really whats OK with the couple, not some generic rule.



With all do respect to you and your GF, what does that interaction tell you about her moral compass?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Exes should not have any place in your life, whether you are married or in a relationship. Either way it's disrespectful towards the other partner.
> Unless you have a child with said ex, then I think it's worthless and adds unneeded drama to the relationship.
> 
> Facebook exes are one of the worst situations to keep in touch with your past.


Yup, even if you do have kids (I do with my ex) interaction should be kid related and nothing more. Period.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

PBear said:


> No, people are supposed to realize that if their partner is disposed to cheating on them, the fact that their ex is or isn't their friend on FB isn't going to stop it from happening. If nothing else, you can message and cyberstalk people you're not friends with.
> 
> Just trying to prevent a false sense of security.
> 
> ...


Therapists will tell you that the #1 most dangerous person for an affair is an ex. They will also tell you that the "inadvertent" affair which starts with Facebook or other social interaction is very very common.

While it may seem innocent at first, the social contact can facilitate an affair which otherwise would not have happened. The problem is that you can go from zero to screwing in no time at all because you've already been there with them. With non-lovers you have many more steps to go through before getting in bed. Thus an affair with a non-ex has many more opportunities for the cheater to stop before cheating.

Facebook or other social contact such as GNO or business functions inject risk when someone has weak boundaries and especially during times of difficulty within a relationship.

If someone is a die-hard cheater at heart, nothing will stop them from cheating. If a person has strong boundaries then nothing will make them cheat. Most cheaters are somewhere in between.


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## dcFlorida (Sep 14, 2014)

breeze said:


> Really, at the point where I feel I have to dictate to my partner about who he has on his facebook, I really should be questioning why I chose to marry him. If he had 'befriended' all his past shags, he wouldn't be him, and I wouldn't be with him.


Agreed 100%, however, let's extend this scenario...
1. secret FB accounts that are opened AFTER marriage
2. FB accounts where a spouse is blocked
3. FB accounts where the past acquaintances / bfs (in my case 25 years ago) is actively pursued (FB is relatively new)
4. where every intimate moment of your life was posted (including pictures of kids) with active comments from her cronies (the fb acct you are blocked from)

In my case, all FB did was accelerate the marriage downfall.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

In my opinion, FB is a good thing to find out the moral compass of the person you are dealing with, married or not. I have a FB account for the past 5 years and most people there are in the same line of work as me. Never has been a problem with either gender being not respectful to me and the relationship I was in. . I am always respectful in my comments and do not play the "double meaning" with any gender. Plus, I always respect if the guy is married and always include the wife in my comments. Even if she is not my "friend" 
Thanks to FB I was able to find out what kind of man I was involved with and the kind of friends he is attracted to, mostly inappropriate trashy kind of females. 
I have three of my exes there as friends and they are extremely polite and they knew I was in a relationship and stayed clear... If there were any comments, they always included him. 
FB is not a problem, the problem is, people do not get over past relationships??? and they get involved in many shady behaviors????. That is nothing to do with FB per see. It shows sooner or later what kind of people they are.
In any case. it was never a problem with my last relationship. He was too busy chasing anything than moves and gave him any positive attention ....


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

I guess I am the only person who thinks it's not a big deal to be friends with exes on FB. I am actually only friends with two of my exes (out of the 4-5 guys I dated seriously pre-DH), but I haven't looked at their profiles in more than a year. Sometimes I feel voyeuristic and check recent photos of them and their new wives, and maybe once a year I'll have a wacky dream that we're together again, but my opposition to cheating is so extremely strong (along with my recognition of the obvious reasons for our failed relationships) that having them as friends on FB really means nothing to me. 

If DH were to ask me to remove them as friends, I would turn that into a larger discussion about the reasons why he didn't seem to trust me fully, and ask if there was anything I could do to change that. To me such a request is merely a symptom of a larger issue of trust that is probably affecting other areas of the relationship, so to merely comply and remove those friends might not really tackle the multiple layers of the issue at hand.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rep said:


> Would you guys find it appropriate that your girlfriend has men on her FB that she has had sex with??
> Personaly, I don't like it,, looking for trouble


Tell her that it's an issue rep. If she's into you then she'll be okay with it and she'll even find it endearing. If she's not into you then she may say it's controlling or something but if that's the case then at least you know. A good rule of thumb to avoid contact and communication with previous flames if you're serious with a new flame. That's really common sense people don't always think about it until it's pointed out.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

IMO not for everyone is contact with exes on FB or real life, harmful. There are people like me, who once they fall out of love with somebody, that's it, they never do it for me in the slightest. H knows that the last men he needs to be wary of are my exes. I used to have some on my list, but didn't chat much. Liked a picture or just left a brief comment, but that was it. I guess it all depends how one feels about the ex, and whether or not the contact makes the spouse uncomfortable ( in which case, it should be given up with no problem, or there is a fishy smell there).

I too deleted my FB. Not a big fan of social network. If I want to keep in touch with someone I can call them 1 on 1. Otherwise why share info with people I don't really care about.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Perhaps she collects men. If you break up, you'll find out the real reason she keeps them around...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

An ex is an ex for a reason and it isn't a Facebook problem it is a people problem. Why perpetuate a people problem. Exes don't belong on ones Facebook nor in ones life unless there is co-parenting involved.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I have a hard time with someone wanting to "stay in touch" with an ex. Sometimes its unavoidable as in when you have children together, there are connections at work or they're in your social circle. 

To be considerate of the new partner I really think you should cut off the relationship completely if possible...keep it to a minimum if not. I don't see any reason for maintaining the ability to peer into their private life through face book. It comes across to me as trying to keep that door open...at least a crack.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Marnie said:


> I guess I am the only person who thinks it's not a big deal to be friends with exes on FB. I am actually only friends with two of my exes (out of the 4-5 guys I dated seriously pre-DH), but I haven't looked at their profiles in more than a year. Sometimes I feel voyeuristic and check recent photos of them and their new wives, and maybe once a year I'll have a wacky dream that we're together again, but my opposition to cheating is so extremely strong (along with my recognition of the obvious reasons for our failed relationships) that having them as friends on FB really means nothing to me.
> 
> If DH were to ask me to remove them as friends, I would turn that into a larger discussion about the reasons why he didn't seem to trust me fully, and ask if there was anything I could do to change that. To me such a request is merely a symptom of a larger issue of trust that is probably affecting other areas of the relationship, so to merely comply and remove those friends might not really tackle the multiple layers of the issue at hand.


You don't get it and it seems like you never will.

Rather than contest him, how about listen?

It's inappropriate and disrespectful for you to be doing this (rather you like it or not).

Also, there is NO such a thing as 100% trust or perfect trust......there is no perfection. Time will come when you 2 might be at the bottom of the rollercoaster......and if decides to take a look, having Ex's on your facebook will only add fuel to the fire.....

Then is the whole perception that Facebook creates. Your exs are your "friends". are they really? NO, but your husband will certainly think so....especially during time when things aren't going well (which WILL happen)

Good luck


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> IMO not for everyone is contact with exes on FB or real life, harmful. There are people like me, who once they fall out of love with somebody, that's it, they never do it for me in the slightest. H knows that the last men he needs to be wary of are my exes. I used to have some on my list, but didn't chat much. Liked a picture or just left a brief comment, but that was it. I guess it all depends how one feels about the ex, and whether or not the contact makes the spouse uncomfortable ( in which case, it should be given up with no problem, or there is a fishy smell there).


This.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Why would a person NEED to be friends with an ex unless children are involved? What is the point? So you can look at old photos and smile about the good times you and your ex had?

I deleted all my exes on social media, etc when I got married. My wife still has photos of her and her exes on FB. I think such behavior is disrespectful to the relationship. My marriage is far from perfect, I don't even know if I would call it good. But, I still would not keep in touch with an ex, FB or otherwise.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it - but it's ok within the first three months. But once the relationship turns long term, that friend list betting start getting smaller. 

If the relationship is LT or marriage, there's absolutely no way someone should have friends on fb that they f***** in the past.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm on the fence. I have FB friends that are exes, but I think it's meaningless. I don't message them or post on their wall. I don't interact with them except when I post something that goes to everyone. For the most part they became friends with me on FB when we were dating and now that we're not, it seems kind of rude to defriend them if the split was amicable. 

However, I have felt suspicious of exes being on my SO's list and for that reason, if my SO asked me to defriend exes, I would. I wouldn't want to cause issues.


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