# sex a battle



## Daryl D (Aug 29, 2010)

Hi 

I know this topic must been done often before but as I am using this forum as I do not have no Friends that i can talk to. I am 45 and my wife is 49. She sees sex as a chore as she feels dead to that side of her life. We have been married for 24 years and have 3 kids (22, 20 and 15), Our sex life has not been great as she always says i do not please her, yet she says she can never climax-get an orgasm when she masturbates. Maybe this is related to the incident that happened when she was a child, she claims that her father tried a sexual kiss with her. She was then sent to boarding school (she was 12). She was seldom home. This is aggravated by the fact that we have had 2 major car accidents and I have been retrenched in between, The first Accident I was given a 50% chance of survival and the second 20% chance. The second i had a major lobotomy and that has not helped with my erections, I now have to use an injection from Mens Health. The sex problems started after we were married she said that i did not give her pleasure and she wondered what it would have been like with a man that she thinks she thought was good looking in her student days. She went to a sex therapist and a physiologist after the first accident. But she things all in the medical field are quacks (even though she is a radiographer), It seems that they do not give her the answer that she thinks is the right answer. So our sex life is a battle field as she does not want it and when we do do it it is a battle as she also says i do not please her enough as before the second accident, even though i try it feels like I am doing all the loving and having to use the injection has not helped. Please help.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You said she "claims" her father "tried" a sexual kiss with her. It sounds as if you rather doubt her story. Whether it's real in fact, real in her memory, or her way of explaining that she has trouble experiencing arousal, it's still a real problem and likely one she neither understands nor has control over. Has she had orgasms at all and if so, what does work?


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## Daryl D (Aug 29, 2010)

Hi she has such a thing about being sexually abused is that she feels that she was raped at the second accident even though her and i were unconscious as I was critical, on the organisms she feels that she has not reached that state of release that is said to come from an orgasm.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

I know this topic must been done often before but as I am using this forum as I do not have no Friends that i can talk to. I am 45 and my wife is 49. She sees sex as a chore as she feels dead to that side of her life. We have been married for 24 years and have 3 kids (22, 20 and 15), Our sex life has not been great as she always says i do not please her, yet she says she can never climax-get an orgasm when she masturbates. 

Judith: Well her emotional and mental view will affect how she sees sex. What is her background as well as sometimes after kids it takes a woman time to rebuild her "desire" for sex. SOmetimes just engaging in it will help bring the desire back. Maybe reading the books 365 and I would rather have Choc than Sex is excellent. IT is mostly based off the fact that there is nothing wrong medically etc so it talks about the emotional aspects of not wanting sex. 

Do you start with a nonsexual massage and then sexual one before every entering into her? Orgasms for women are learned not like men when they are instinctive. Women need to feel and emotionally feel touch sexually to be interested. Even if she is ready physically she may not be ready emotionally. She has to be able to know when she is in the mood to want it. Touching breasts will help and exploring her body will help. It takes time for her to be able to find the right mind set to be able to feel a orgasm. The key is she afraid to let go-fear can hold back the feeling of it etc. There is a dietary supplment for women for testosterone so taht she can build her desire. 

Maybe this is related to the incident that happened when she was a child, she claims that her father tried a sexual kiss with her. 

Judith: More than likely it is and she needs healing in her mind over sexual stuff. That does affect a woman sexually emotionally... 

She was then sent to boarding school (she was 12). 

JuditH: That doesn't help either. 

She was seldom home. This is aggravated by the fact that we have had 2 major car accidents and I have been retrenched in between, The first Accident I was given a 50% chance of survival and the second 20% chance. 

JUdith: I am sure that plays a part but what part. 

The second i had a major lobotomy and that has not helped with my erections, I now have to use an injection from Mens Health. 

Judith: I did not know they still do lobotomy. So your mental affects your erections-that probably concerns her in some form. 

The sex problems started after we were married she said that i did not give her pleasure and she wondered what it would have been like with a man that she thinks she thought was good looking in her student days. 

Judith: She sure has some emotional issues going on that affects her sexually. It is wired interconnected for a woman. What to her is sexual pleasure? 


She went to a sex therapist and a physiologist after the first accident. But she things all in the medical field are quacks (even though she is a radiographer), It seems that they do not give her the answer that she thinks is the right answer. 

Judith: So what is that answer? 

So our sex life is a battle field as she does not want it and when we do do it it is a battle as she also says i do not please her enough as before the second accident, even though i try it feels like I am doing all the loving and having to use the injection has not helped. Please help.

Judith: Can you talk to her about it before sex and see what is going through her mind-try to find specifically what is is that she thinks your not getting-Talk is very important before during and after-Have you thought about just sticking with nonsexual massage on her for while for at least six weeks t0 see if she is struggling with just being touch by you etc... Women who come from sexual trauma sometimes need a six week off to see that nonsexual touch is not always about sex. Do you think you could handle it that long? IT would really help I am sure. I am sure since the sexual trauma -is affecting all of this-

I am sorry your hurting and that it feels what it feels-but maybe you can talk to her outside of it and to come to understanding why she struggles with it not doing what it needs to do for her as well as you.. 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

The Eroscillator is the #1 vibrator for women. It oscillates, instead of vibrates. It is the only vibrator recommended by Dr. Ruth, and she uses it for women who have never had an orgasm. It has only clit attachments. 

She has to start masturbating and having her own orgasms, then include you in that.

Show her the brochure on the Eroscillator. Is she open to trying it?

Get her the tapes from Dr. Betty Dodson's masturbation seminars, so she can see other women masturbating to orgasm. Or get the book on Self Love (?) by Dr. Dodson. 

If this does not work, go to counseling. It is a shame you are both missing out on this great joy.

After I have sex with my H, I feel so fulfilled in myself, and closer to him. Yesterday I used the Eroscillator with him watching, and then used it on him while I manually brought him to climax, and it was great!


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