# Boyfriend is overwhelmingly protective and its hard to deal with! Advice?



## CarlyG (Sep 4, 2013)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months but met 4 months ago when he was in a relationship with someone else but nothing happened between us until they broke up! I was starting to get close to his friend during that time and he got jealous and p!ssed off about that. I am 23 and he is 30 and can be arrogant at times, He is so unlike anyone I have ever been with, He always has his hands on me and we have sex a lot! He wants us to possibly move in together but as much as I care about him I don't feel ready to make that step yet. He can be very overwhelming and intense, Its like he always has his hands on me in some way, feeling me up or whatever. He constantly tells me I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on etc, Even when we spend the night together he always pulls me in close to him which can be nice but when I move away he drags me back into him and its a little annoying. 

He always texts/calls me and sometimes surprises me by meeting me for lunch during work. He has let it be known that he dislikes my male friends and if I'm with them when he calls he gets moody and lets me know he is jealous. If we are out with friends and I'm with some of the girls randomly chatting to a guy he comes up to me, arms around my waist and stares the guy down. He told me he loved me the other night and because I didn't say it back to him he has become a little snappy with me and even more possessive like, I have my friends bachelorette party in 3wks which involves all the girls going to Spain for the week and my boyfriend is sulky about this and tells me he "doesn't want me to go in case I meet someone else" and again that is annoying me because it feels like he doesn't trust me and is making me feel guilty for going now, He is a cop is will most likely be working that week anyways so I don't know what his problem is and we have had arguments about this but he always has to be right!

*Troll Post -Amp*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Run. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. This guy is not relationship material.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree. This has bad news written all over it. And you're only 2 months in. It will most likely get worse over time, not better. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Run. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. This guy is not relationship material.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Run run run run.

You're arguing at 2 months not to mention the glaring red flags.

He's not a keeper.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

"Protective" is not the word for him. "Controlling" is. Very controlling. He has the potential to make your life a living hell. Don't let him. Move on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is the picture of a future wife beater.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are posting on a relationship forum TWO MONTHS in. Get out now, nothing good is going to come of this!


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## CarlyG (Sep 4, 2013)

All this is greatly appreciated guys! 

I see where you are all coming from but I honestly do care about this guy and would at least *try* to make it work with him if possible.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CarlyG said:


> All this is greatly appreciated guys!
> 
> I see where you are all coming from but I honestly do care about this guy and would at least *try* to make it work with him if possible.


Don't say you weren't warned. He's got some serious issues, and you're going to end up being very hurt down the line.

He's got crazy stalker tendencies. You want that? A man that won't let you have friends, won't let you have space? It's not healthy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Another thing...

At your age you don't have to settle for less than exactly what you want. Just like he stumbled into your life, there will be others who will treat you like an equal, let you have friends, and add joy to your life instead of sucking the life out of it. Think about it. 2 months and he's acting like a psycho?? It's not going to get better.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

here is how it will likely play out. You will say you are leaving and he will cry whine threaten to hurt himself. Then he will work on separating you from all of your friends and family. Then once that is done he will start trying to make you do everything his way. There is quite and age gap. I mean are you even out of College yet. it is obvious that his self esteem issues are going to spiral him out of control soon. Lets' do a test tell him you are thinking about the two of you just being friends. See how he reacts. a health person will be sad and may want to know why. But if he starts begging and crying or threatens to harm you or himself then you run. If he gets angry that is okay as long as it doesn't turn violent. It has only been two months it isn't a matter of trying to make it work right now. Two months in should be happy and you argue about who hangs up the phone first not I am going to try and make you feel bad about being with your friends.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

CarlyG said:


> All this is greatly appreciated guys!
> 
> I see where you are all coming from but I honestly do care about this guy and would at least *try* to make it work with him if possible.


Carly, you've only been with him for 2 months. You didn't start to have problems TODAY; it's been going on for the duration of the relationship. 

So often we think we want to 'try' to make it work. But WHY? I mean, I understand that you may CARE about him, but it's obvious that he's more interested in controlling you than loving you. He is displaying the classic textbook signs of a *controlling abusive *man. 

Please heed the others advice and END this thing NOW for your own safety and sanity. 

Believe me, in THIS case, you need to care more about YOUR OWN SAFETY than his 'feelings'. 

Vega


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

This is what will happen if you stay with this guy - 

All of your male friends will have to go, in order to make your BF happy. Next all of your female friends will also have to go *he will have issues with you going out with them, talking to them etc* So you are left with no friends. 
While he still has all his female and male friends. And the reason why this happens is because your family and friends will be able to see right through him and he doesn't want them to put things in your head to make you realize they are right. 

Then after this he will probably start with your family. You won't be able to go anywhere with out being accused of cheating on him, or something else. 

Then abuse will start, if it hasn't already.

You have been with the guy for 2 months and he is already being very controlling, there is a huge difference about being protective and controlling. 

You can not make things work with a person like this.. Men like this kill woman. People like him are not capable of love period. They are only after someone who they can control. You may not see it yet, but you will eventually. Think about it.

I was with a guy like this for 4 years! It will not get better. You can't change him.. It will get much worse.

OF course he is making you feel guilty for leaving him to be with friends. this is what they do..


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

He is not PROTECTIVE. He is CONTROLLING!
Big difference!


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## CarlyG (Sep 4, 2013)

Once again guys Im greatful for all the advice!!

I had a _talk_ with him yesterday about how things are with us, well that's if you want to call it a talk it was mostly him telling me that I was acting stupid and once again he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was purposely trying to hurt him by going to Spain with the girls, Saying _"How can he protect me when I am in another country with drunk foreigners coming on to me"_ He then went on to telling me not even think about going off with another man while away because _"he will find out!"_

I told him that if he cant trust me to stay faithful to him or even trust me in general then maybe we shouldn't be together at all, Of course he went ballistic after I said this and a huge argument was had so I left his place and although he is calling/texting me I haven't spoken to him since! 

I care about this guy so much and I know you guys think im an idiot for wanting to be with him, But at the same time I know deep down I need a break from him, Hopefully that will make him realise he is pushing me away!
What do you think?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ree va Steen kamp was dating Psitor ious for only 4 months........


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## CarlyG (Sep 4, 2013)

betulanana said:


> He is not PROTECTIVE. He is CONTROLLING!
> Big difference!


I see that now!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Carly, I agree with the other respondents. What you're describing is not normal behavior. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., the clinginess, temper tantrums, always "being right," controlling nature, sulkiness, and irrational jealousy -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic PD).

Of course, you are not capable of _diagnosing_ your BF's issues. You nonetheless are very capable of protecting yourself by learning how to _spot the warning signs_ for these two disorders. That's why hundreds of hospitals and mental health institutions educate the public by posting the symptoms of BPD and NPD on their websites.

If you would like to read about these red flags, an easy place to start here on TAM is my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Similarly, Kathy Batesel describes NPD traits at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. If either of those descriptions rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Carly.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

CarlyG said:


> ...it was mostly him telling me that I was acting stupid and once again he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was purposely trying to hurt him by going to Spain with the girls, Saying _"How can he protect me when I am in another country with drunk foreigners coming on to me"_


First of all, if ANY MAN tells you that you're being "stupid", he's being insulting. It's a tactic that controller's use, as if to say that you're not "smart enough" to fend off men's 'intentions'. 

Secondly, as for him "protecting" you from "drunk foreigners" coming on to you, so WHAT if they do? Just because a man "comes on to you" doesn't mean that you'll be influenced by that man. But your (hopefully) exb/f believes that you WILL be 'influenced'. After all, you were 'influenced' by HIM, weren't you? In his mind, if HE can get into your pants, then ANY man can! 



> He then went on to telling me not even think about going off with another man while away because _"he will find out!"_


Yeah. He has 'special powers', dontcha know! :rofl: Just another threat that's supposed to scare you into doing what he wants. 



> I told him that if he cant trust me to stay faithful to him or even trust me in general then maybe we shouldn't be together at all, Of course he went ballistic after I said this and a huge argument was had so I left his place and although he is calling/texting me I haven't spoken to him since!


Good for YOU!! If he DOES get in touch with you, just tell him ONCE that the two of you are broken up permanently, and hang up. If he shows up at your door, tell him to leave, or you'll call the police. If he doesn't leave IMMEDIATELY, call the police! 



> I care about this guy so much and I know you guys think im an idiot for wanting to be with him, But at the same time I know deep down I need a break from him, Hopefully that will make him realise he is pushing me away!
> What do you think


I don't think you're an "idiot". In your case, you've only been with this guy for a few months. You're lucky that he's revealing his true colors to you this early, AND that you're paying attention to what he's doing AND that you're not dismissing his behavior as "protective". This guy is bad news. Please do whatever it takes to protect yourself from HIM. 

Vega


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