# Married this past April, and not adjusting



## LovadZil (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm 30 years old and married J in April of this past year. We were engaged for 9 months. Dating for 1 year before that. He asked me to marry him 3 months after I moved in. I really wish we waited longer. I remember him saying "we can still get married in April" (I had wanted an April wedding) and I got scared at how quickly that would come. I never said anything.

I remember driving home from work on many occasions thinking "if we weren't engaged I would break up with him". The first time I realized this might not be the right guy for me we were driving home from his parents Christmas party and he was more drunk than I realized - he ended up rear ending another car on the highway and drove off. Never stopped. I was furious with him. He started swerving badly, and I demanded he pull over so I could drive home. He spent that entire night hysterically in tears because he felt like "such a looser". I felt like I couldn't be angry because he was so hard on himself.

Disclosure: Joe is a recovering heroin addict. He has been clean for 6 years. I knew this from the beginning of our relationship and I "accepted" it. I don't think I realized how his addiction would cross over to other parts of his life.

About 2 months before the wedding things just weren't going well. I felt disconnected from J. I didn't want to spend time with him. I wanted to go out with friends, I found myself complaining about my fiance often. I was crying in our bedroom one evening (just so stressed out about the idea of the wedding and marriage) and he asked me what was wrong. I said "Do you realize getting married isn't going to fix this?"..... he was hysterically upset with me and his response was "How is it supposed to make me feel that you don't want to marry me?". J convinced me I had cold feet and things would improve after the wedding ended.

We went on an Italian honeymoon for 10 days. I cried a lot. We had sex once. I found the vacation stressful. We couldn't communicate and we still can't now. I constantly live in fear of saying something to him because it will hurt his feelings.

After the wedding I found myself googling "regretting marriage immediately after wedding"......

I put myself in therapy. J and I have an appointment with a therapist together on Monday.

I don't know what I am looking for here.... But I just feel like I married the wrong person for me, as we cannot communicate.

Words of wisdom?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You married a recovering addict, had premonitions that this wasn't the guy for you but still married him.

Why do you feel like you had to marry him? It's a sucky situation to be in , but you're in it now. Why didn't you just break it off?

Therapy will be good for you. Maybe it will help your marriage or maybe it will make you realize you don't want this life. I wish you the best.


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## LovadZil (Aug 22, 2012)

I just didn't have the courage to tell anyone my feelings, and when I told my fiance he was so upset that I just felt so terribly guilty. I told him I would marry him. We talked about a family, a future, ect. I learned about his faults during the engagement and felt I couldn't break it off, maybe? I don't know. I really don't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are not happy, get a divorce.

It sounds like you never wanted to get married, just went through the motions.

If this is something you do often, with major life-changing decisions, you need to examine WHY you do it and stop doing it. It's destructive.

You had a choice in the matter.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am going to assume you are young. You made a BIG mistake but you can get an anullment. Yes, you will hurt him but you can't live your life to make him happy.

Do you have family support?


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## LovadZil (Aug 22, 2012)

My family lives at the opposite end of the country. None of them know how I feel. I have a few friends who know what's going on.

I'm 30 years old. I'm not "that young". I'm humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed I feel this way. I just feel disconnected and like I am with someone with who I have no common ground....

It's hard, I'm scared, and I'm hurting.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You have a great deal of life ahead of you my dear. Two choices. Number one is annulment and number two is helping your husband through his recovery and emotional immaturity. If you choose the latter it is going to be a long a bumpy ride I believe.


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