# “Anti-porn”counsellor: how to find



## S4tori

To put it simple my partner and I both agreed that we don’t want pornography in our life. We are both glad to not own TV or watch mainstream media, we don’t want to teach our son that it’s in”human nature”to masturbate at porn when he accidentally discovers it at random age and we both want to be loyal to each other with our mind and body. 

I am not religious and my partner is(but not orthodox). We have both got hurt by both of us secretly watching porn on bit more than few occasions in our relationship in the past and we want to resolve this hurt and move on-BUT in porn-free style. It’s been a year since we are constantly arguing about this and are constantly hurting each other further(we at least stopped with porn and sexual images/other people viewing since then).

I recently went for 1on1 counselling and my counsellor had attitude”well for some people porn can be empowering and it can be a positive thing in relationship”-I know that(even tho ethically I think these people are wrong simply because most porn viewers don’t know how”fair-trade”is their porn)but she was constantly referring about my hurt about porn as an obsession and when I told her that porn has no space in my life because of general values and morals I hold, she was almost like”well we’ll see how you’ll feel about it once we resolve the hurt”. Needles to say I’m not going back. I’m not going to go in details but yes I’m one of those people that think porn should be strictly regulated and not available mainstream. 

Sorry for long and maybe bit off-putting intro but I would really like to know if someone knows how to find a relationship therapist that holds same belief like my partner and I and isn’t some conservative type of person(since that wouldn’t fit the rest of the values in our relationship)?

Just as some people ask at the beginning of therapy if the therapist is religious I think this is detrimental for success of our therapy as well. I hope some of you understand what I mean.
(Thanks for reading)


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## notmyrealname4

I guess you just have to contact one counselor after another and ask them their stance on the matter.

I sympathize with your viewpoint. I feel the same way; and it would be very insulting to have a counselor patronize your values about pornography.

A religious counselor [who is educated and qualified], might be a good option. You could just explain that you are not particularly religious yourself, and that you would like their services to be restricted to marriage counseling--you don't wish them to involve scriptural references and so on.

Good luck to you.


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## peacem

My personal opinion on counseling is that the counselor should put their own personal opinions to one side and adopt a neutral stand point when talking to a client. We all have different attitudes towards lots of things and a good counselor will listen and reframe your thoughts in a way that you can make sense of them. It is not a place to be shoehorning their own ethos.

So it is not a matter of finding someone who shares your beliefs, but finding a good counselor that is able to validate *yours* and work with you to get you to a healthy mindset. From what I have heard from friends and family it is a common experience for people to try lots of different counselors until they click with one. Maybe you just need to try a few recommended people, shop around and work out who you feel comfortable talking to. 

[Side note from someone who has been there] You may want broaden your thoughts away from porn. I agree with what you say, but sometimes there are other things going on that make it difficult to reconcile past mistakes. If you just focus on porn then you may find it difficult to move forward because you are not getting to the heart of the matter. 

Good luck x


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## snerg

S4tori said:


> To put it simple my partner and I both agreed that we don’t want pornography in our life. We are both glad to not own TV or watch mainstream media, we don’t want to teach our son that it’s in”human nature”to masturbate at porn when he accidentally discovers it at random age and we both want to be loyal to each other with our mind and body.
> 
> I am not religious and my partner is(but not orthodox). We have both got hurt by both of us secretly watching porn on bit more than few occasions in our relationship in the past and we want to resolve this hurt and move on-BUT in porn-free style. It’s been a year since we are constantly arguing about this and are constantly hurting each other further(we at least stopped with porn and sexual images/other people viewing since then).
> 
> I recently went for 1on1 counselling and my counselor ad attitude”well for some people porn can be empowering and it can be a positive thing in relationship”-I know that(even tho ethically I think these people are wrong simply because most porn viewers don’t know how”fair-trade”is their porn)but *she was constantly referring about my hurt about porn as an obsession* and when I told her that porn has no space in my life because of general values and morals I hold, she was almost like*”well we’ll see how you’ll feel about it once we resolve the hurt”*. Needles to say I’m not going back. I’m not going to go in details but yes I’m one of those people that think porn should be strictly regulated and not available mainstream.
> 
> Sorry for long and maybe bit off-putting intro but I would really like to know if someone knows how to find a relationship therapist that holds same belief like my partner and I and isn’t some conservative type of person(since that wouldn’t fit the rest of the values in our relationship)?
> 
> Just as some people ask at the beginning of therapy if the therapist is religious I think this is detrimental for success of our therapy as well. I hope some of you understand what I mean.
> (Thanks for reading)


That's an interesting take away.

Is it possible your counselor isn't patronizing you, but possibly has discovered something that you didn't realize existed?

The way you describe the reaction sounds like there was an issue identified and if the "obsession" was corrected, the hurt might not be so extreme.

Not to make light of your choices, but if you're hurting each other over porn and/or porn usage, that issue needs to be addressed.


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## Edo Edo

S4tori said:


> We have both got hurt by both of us secretly watching porn on bit more than few occasions in our relationship in the past and we want to resolve this hurt and move on-BUT in porn-free style. It’s been a year since we are constantly arguing about this and are constantly hurting each other further(we at least stopped with porn and sexual images/other people viewing since then).



This part of your post makes no sense to me. If you both agreed not to watch porn, but both have secretly watched it behind your partner's backs, you both obviously enjoy some aspect of this form of entertainment. It sounds like you are conflicted with "What we like" and "What we should/shouldn't like." I think you are letting an obscure idea of "morality" stop you from exploring a new avenue of entertainment with your partner. Why not try watching porn WITH your partner before you drop money on counseling? You may find that to me much better time spent (more fun and less expensive).


PS: I have met many people that feel things should be strictly regulated for the sole reason that they have a similar internal conflict as you seem to have (porn, cannabis, guns, alcohol, whatever...). Subconsciously, you have a desire for something, but someone's morals which were taught to you get in the way. It causes an emotional/mental conflict, which is uncomfortable. Your answer is to make authority remove that thing that you secretly enjoy, so that the conflict is resolved for you. The problem with this approach is that is spoils enjoyment for the rest of us, who do not share the same set of morals that you do. If you ultimately decide not to watch porn, that's your business, but don't try to spoil the enjoyment for the rest of us...


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