# Respect: Please help me understand. If that's possible



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Help me here please. 

My wife has/had an affair. On facebook. The full monty. Porn, sex, running away together, what have you. 

I found out about it by reading her emails, facebook messages and letters. Shocking descriptions of what they were doing together. Seemingly it's disgraceful that I read them. So disrespectful. She is consumed with righteous indignation that I could be so disrespectful as to read her private stuff. Like she should have private stuff like this anyway.

To her, this is a much much worst crime than the affair.

WTF. I'm speechless. 

We are divorcing. She's divorcing me. Go figure.

Can someone please explain like I'm a 5 year old?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Don't justify anything to her.

You were suspicious. You looked.

Any rational person would have done this.

She is blame shifting.

Expose the affair to everyone.

Your family, her family, posom wife,
etc. Find out who he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She blames you and sees herself as the victim.

Do you know the name of her affair partner?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, without anymore information. Here goes. Rather than be embarrassed, and taking responsibility for her actions. She is blaming you for the end of the marriage and divorcing because you invaded her privacy. You are wrecking her secret fantasy world. Shen wanted the other man for sex, you for support. 

Anybody else care to elaborate?


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

I'll be putting it in a separate thread. I started talking about it when I posted a message in somearbitraryname's thread "I do not want this", but realised I might be hijacking it. His situation seemed similar to mine.

I know his name, his wife, all the details etc. She knows now.

It's just this thing about respect I can't fathom. I run up against a brick wall with it. It's not just this. It colours everyone she interacts with. She goes on and on about respect. Always has done. It was her studies supervisor that first said she was too righteously indignant.

She's even had an argument with her facebook boyfriend over how disrespectful he was about something. 

I read the exchanges. He didn't get it. I didn't get it.

???


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Don't justify anything to her.
> 
> Expose the affair to everyone.
> 
> ...


That's another thing. Not allowed. Too embarrassing. Unforgivable if I do. Must pretend the divorce is by mutual agreement. Drifted apart etc. Worries that my family and friends will unfriend her!?!

I can understand she doesn't want to deal with the embarrassment but it cuts me off from any support. 

She has her special old school friend she talks to - far far away in a foreign land, away from any mutual friends and family. This was her comrade in arms during the affair as she was separating from her own husband.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Just to clarify. This was an online affair. They have not met yet. It was all through messages, shared porn, telephone calls and possibly webcams. Not certain about that one yet. She has the capability. And she's commented on his d**k, so there you go.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abcl06735 said:


> Just to clarify. This was an online affair. They have not met yet. It was all through messages, shared porn, telephone calls and possibly webcams. Not certain about that one yet. She has the capability. And she's commented on his d**k, so there you go.


Doesn't matter.

Expose them.

But, if money is more important than your marriage and dignity, then ces't lavie


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Expose her and especially him if he's married.

Out of respect for the man's wife.

Show her evidence.

Your wife's feelings are not your problem.

Act like a man and deep down she will respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'd say earn some respect from her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The sort of blameshifting you describe often comes from a woman who is very aggressive about control. If you give her lip, she slaps you down in self-righteous fury. So, she's cheating but....'How dare you look at my messages ?!' 

Of course, YMMV.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> TIf you give her lip, she slaps you down in self-righteous fury. So, she's cheating but....'How dare you look at my messages ?!'
> 
> Of course, YMMV.


You hit the nail on the head. But why does she do this? It seems very odd. The affair is an extreme example but our life together - 25 years - is peppered with these little "disrespect" moments. And it's not just me. It peppers her relationships with friends, family, neighbours, shop assistants, workmates etc. I think she even felt it about our dog, who liked me more than her.

One of us must be crazy. I don't mind if it's me. I'm not proud. At least I'll try and do something about it.

Thanks for the advice everyone. She's done a good job in making me doubt myself over the years but respecting her privacy so she can hide an affair just takes the biscuit.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

_


Conrad said:



But, if money is more important than your marriage and dignity, then ces't lavie

Click to expand...

_

Conrad.

I'm sorry, I'm very foggy from lack of sleep and don't quite understand this comment. 


_


Conrad said:



I'd say earn some respect from her.

Click to expand...

_

I don't want her respect anymore. It has no value to me. I don't respect her anymore, but I still love her, which is strange. Or as someone has more accurately said, love the memory of her. You can't wipe away 25 years just like that.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Because she feels entitled to do that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abc,

You won't expose her disgusting behavior due to financial considerations.

I usually sign off from threads when people indicate money is more important than their manhood.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I once was, where you are now. You loved the woman you thought she was.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Conrad said:


> abc,
> 
> You won't expose her disgusting behavior due to financial considerations.
> 
> I usually sign off from threads when people indicate money is more important than their manhood.


Sorry Conrad, you've lost me. Where does this money thing come from? I'm not financially, or otherwise affected by any exposure at all. The damage is to the reputations and careers of the other three parties. The wife, his wife and the facebook friend.

I'll start a thread about it. It's pretty complicated. There's some stuff in my other posts about it.

Thanks for the advice though.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

abcl06735 said:


> Sorry Conrad, you've lost me. Where does this money thing come from? I'm not financially, or otherwise affected by any exposure at all. The damage is to the reputations and careers of the other three parties. The wife, his wife and the facebook friend.
> 
> I'll start a thread about it. It's pretty complicated. There's some stuff in my other posts about it.
> 
> Thanks for the advice though.


You need to expose. 

Time after time guys like you come on here with your reasons not too.

Time after time they are proven wrong.

You can listen to us as we seen this play out over and over again. 

Cheaters are like vampires and the truth is like daylight.

Vaporize this affair.

JMO


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abcl06735 said:


> That's another thing. Not allowed. Too embarrassing. Unforgivable if I do. Must pretend the divorce is by mutual agreement. Drifted apart etc. Worries that my family and friends will unfriend her!?!
> 
> *I can understand she doesn't want to deal with the embarrassment but it cuts me off from any support. *
> 
> She has her special old school friend she talks to - far far away in a foreign land, away from any mutual friends and family. This was her comrade in arms during the affair as she was separating from her own husband.


That's the line I read.

Around these parts, "support" is measured in money.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Around these parts, "support" is measured in money.


Miss-understanding. I meant emotional support. I need to offload. I'm falling apart the moment I talk about it. Can't keep up the pretense of an amical split when I'll go to pieces the moment I mention it to someone.

I going to counselling. There's just been too much to do sorting out lawyers etc. to find time to arrange it. Plus it's been Easter holidays and everyone is away.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abcl06735 said:


> Miss-understanding. I meant emotional support. I need to offload. I'm falling apart the moment I talk about it. Can't keep up the pretense of an amical split when I'll go to pieces the moment I mention it to someone.
> 
> I going to counselling. There's just been too much to do sorting out lawyers etc. to find time to arrange it. Plus it's been Easter holidays and everyone is away.


Dump it here.

Good group of folks.

Oh, and expose her shenanigans - work, friends, family, facebook, cheaterville.com, far and wide


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

abcl06735 said:


> Help me here please.
> 
> My wife has/had an affair. On facebook. The full monty. Porn, sex, running away together, what have you.
> 
> ...


She's nuts to the point of narcissism and living in a fantasy affair world.

Get the D quick man and get gone.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to expose this to the OM's wife.
Get copies of all these chats and cam sessions and give them to her.

You need to expose to her family and friends just because she'll railroad you as the bad guy and ....she deserves it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The self-righteous indignation that you describe goes along with a number of different personality issues, including OCD, NPD, controlling personality, and essentially any female hormonal imbalance. Often there are connected self-esteem issues.

I don't know much of anything about your W, but whatever the cause, you can't let her fury overwhelm the reality of her cheating. It is what it is.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

tacoma said:


> You need to expose this to the OM's wife.
> Get copies of all these chats and cam sessions and give them to her.
> 
> You need to expose to her family and friends just because she'll railroad you as the bad guy and ....she deserves it.


Thanks everyone. I have copies of the chats but not the cam sessions, if they exist. They have deleted a lot when they noticed I got suspicious. I have found his wife and told her. Shown her some of the tamer stuff to convince her to accept the truth. The harder stuff is a little too unsettling for a spouse to read. I wish I hadn't had to read it myself. It was a terrible way to find out. She has confronted him. Looks like they are separating. 

Exposure is not as simple as it seems. Lives may be at stake I'm told. This may just be emotional blackmail, but there is a germ of truth in it. They are both on a pain killer that has been known to induce feelings of self harm and suicide. His wife even asked me if there had been any mention of it in their messages. 

Like I said, I'll do a thread with a fuller story. See if anyone is interested in offering any more advice, something I would be very grateful for.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

abcl06735 said:


> Exposure is not as simple as it seems. Lives may be at stake I'm told. This may just be emotional blackmail, but there is a germ of truth in it.


Painkillers that make you want to kill yourself?

IDK about that. They make you happy and numb.
Maybe when you run out. Where you at Conrad?

Don't let your WW manipulate you like this. She's losing control
and grasping for it back. Take charge. Expose her to her friends and family. Do not warn her just do it.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The self-righteous indignation that you describe goes along with a number of different personality issues, including OCD, NPD, controlling personality, and essentially any female hormonal imbalance. Often there are connected self-esteem issues.
> 
> I don't know much of anything about your W, but whatever the cause, you can't let her fury overwhelm the reality of her cheating. It is what it is.


That is very interesting! I have wondered. Her family is full of people with diagnosed personality disorders. Her mother, her two sisters, one quite seriously. Her niece too and her grandfather was a little odd as well. She always said that that plague had bypassed her, but thinking back her behaviour at times could be very disturbing indeed. Wouldn't last long though.
Couple of hours.

She is also quite asocial. Not too keen on people in general, prefers animals. Likes the home nest more than anything else. She has a condition, EDS that has gotten worst recently and has tried several different kinds of painkillers, some of which have behavioural side effects. They also have physical side effects that make her tired. So she socialises on facebook, which suits her asocial nature, and is where she met her friend. She is also 44 and there are signs that she may be starting menopause early. She does have self-esteem issues. Never happy about her breast size. Always thought it too small. Not happy with the changes that are taking place in her body because of her age and condition. It didn't help that things weren't good between us. That hurt her, and it hurt me too. But she would never go to counselling, Always refused.

Yet at the same time she is, without doubt, a stunningly beautiful woman and looks about 10 years younger than she is. 
When she was young, when we met, she could be breathtaking and could easily have been on the cover of a fashion magazine. I know, my cousin was a fashion model and she could have opened many door for her, but she was never interested. Chose college instead and now has a string of letters after her name a mile long.

She was a wonderful lady, despite problems, and I loved her dearly. But something has gone wrong, very wrong.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Painkillers that make you want to kill yourself?
> 
> IDK about that. They make you happy and numb.
> Where you at Conrad?
> .


GABAPENTIN 

Dizziness, Confusion, loss of memory, anxiety. 
Abnormal thoughts, especially those of self harm and suicide.

He's on it too.



GutPunch said:


> Maybe when you run out.
> .


You may have a point there. I'll look into it some more.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

abcl06735 said:


> Exposure is not as simple as it seems. Lives may be at stake I'm told. This may just be emotional blackmail, but there is a germ of truth in it. They are both on a pain killer that has been known to induce feelings of self harm and suicide. His wife even asked me if there had been any mention of it in their messages.


You've got to see the desperation in this manipulation.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Gabapentin, when dosed correctly does not cause those side effects. We deal with it often at my job and it causes calm and lack of anxiety because the pain is now controlled, which is what was making them anxious to begin with.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

BFGuru said:


> Gabapentin, when dosed correctly does not cause those side effects. We deal with it often at my job and it causes calm and lack of anxiety because the pain is now controlled, which is what was making them anxious to begin with.


Thank you. I have been genuinely worried. This could just be emotional blackmail then. Although he is on a very high dose and she mentioned suicidal thoughts once. I told her then if she really felt that way we needed to see a doctor. If not, what was she saying? She went quiet.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abcl06735 said:


> Thank you. I have been genuinely worried. This could just be emotional blackmail then. Although he is on a very high dose and she mentioned suicidal thoughts once. I told her then if she really felt that way we needed to see a doctor. If not, what was she saying? She went quiet.


Of course she did.

No doctor would back that up.

I'm a pharmacist.


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Of course she did.
> 
> No doctor would back that up.
> 
> I'm a pharmacist.


Thank you too. I'll rest a little easier now.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Yes, lots of drugs to keep you from killing people.

Not many that will make you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Expose them.

Tonight


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