# Myth or Fact Question



## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

I've been entertaining a few questions in my head I wanted to ask the experts on TAM about. I want your opinion on weather you think these are mere myths/rumors or facts you can attest to from personal experience:

1. It's better if you delve deep into all materials that remind you of your eX [Songs, Movies, Places, Pictures] until you get fed up with them during the grieving process, instead of immediately isolating and removing them from your life. Hearing a song @ the mall that meant something to both of you will have less of an impact then if you're "tired" of hearing it.

2. Having an emotional reaction (good or bad) after seeing a picture, an email or getting contacted by your eX after months or years of NC is a sign that you haven't gotten over them.

3. Being in the right state of mind after overcoming loss and falling in love again with someone new, will mean you will never feel hurt over being dumped by your eX ever again.

4. There will come a day where you can see a picture of your eX that left you, with someone new and be genuinely happy for them.

5. Divorce is an even bigger emotional burden the 2nd time around because of all the thought that went into your next marriage after the first one that failed. [If you're the one being dumped twice that is].

I'm interested in hearing your opinion on #1. The rest of the Q's have been lingering in my mind and I thought I'd share them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Greg: Speaking for me at least: Negatory on Nos. 1-4, inclusive. But Affirmative on No. 5 *


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Greg1515 said:


> I've been entertaining a few questions in my head I wanted to ask the experts on TAM about. I want your opinion on weather you think these are mere myths/rumors or facts you can attest to from personal experience:
> 
> 1. It's better if you delve deep into all materials that remind you of your eX [Songs, Movies, Places, Pictures] until you get fed up with them during the grieving process, instead of immediately isolating and removing them from your life. Hearing a song @ the mall that meant something to both of you will have less of an impact then if you're "tired" of hearing it.


I think this one is too individual by person/situation for there to be one answer. I think you can get stuck in these things, where you are dependent on them, looking at them over and over, and immersing yourself in them prevents you from moving forward. Greg, if you are still viewing these things since you posted about what to do with them a while back, I think its time you stopped. 



Greg1515 said:


> 2. Having an emotional reaction (good or bad) after seeing a picture, an email or getting contacted by your eX after months or years of NC is a sign that you haven't gotten over them.


Not necessarily...you may have not yet moved past the loss of the relationship. If your reaction is anger, then I believe that is a sign of healing. (but that could just be me)




Greg1515 said:


> 3. Being in the right state of mind after overcoming loss and falling in love again with someone new, will mean you will never feel hurt over being dumped by your eX ever again.


Nope. 




Greg1515 said:


> 4. There will come a day where you can see a picture of your eX that left you, with someone new and be genuinely happy for them.


This is another that is dependent on the situation. Did they cheat on you, or do something equally as devastating? If so, then likely you will never be happy for them about anything...ever. If your split was more about the relationship dying out and not working, then the answer is yes. (I have an XH for each of these situations, and one I wish nothing but misery, the other had remarried after we split and I was truly happy for him) 



Greg1515 said:


> 5. Divorce is an even bigger emotional burden the 2nd time around because of all the thought that went into your next marriage after the first one that failed. [If you're the one being dumped twice that is].


This one I agree with, but because it is what I experienced. Again...very individual. 



Greg1515 said:


> I'm interested in hearing your opinion on #1. The rest of the Q's have been lingering in my mind and I thought I'd share them.


There are no hard, fast, myths or facts on any of these, to be honest. No two situations are exactly the same.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

You have to dig deep and find the little bit of inner strength, deep breaths, taking a step at a time. Look straight on and most importantly stand by your beliefs. Hugs xxx


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Greg, if you are still viewing these things since you posted about what to do with them a while back, I think its time you stopped.


I appreciate everyone's feedback. 

In response to this question directly, I'm not viewing things. I feel I've taken the right steps towards correcting my life for the wrong reasons. 

I feel like I "chickened" out myself into the recovery phase. I'll try to explain. I didn't stop looking at our pictures over a year ago because I was over her, I stopped looking because it caused me anguish to look at them. I put away everything that hurt. When songs played in the radio that reminded me of us, it depressed me, so I simply turned it off. I simply listen to sports talk and political talk radio now. 

I don't miss her. But for the past month, I've been relapsing into depressing thoughts of what I went through. All the while, running into things that trigger memories, makes me really unconformable. Maybe I should play the songs we used to hear all day in my house until I get fed up. Or maybe that would just make me miserable unnecessarily, and would do me no good at all.

I remembered reading this article:

How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex - The Last Step

And jumping to the point, the author claims he was not only able to get go of his ex, but also go to her wedding. And one of the key aspects was what he called the The Desensitization Method/Phase. 

To quote:

_"There is a technique where you consciously expose yourself to your memories with your Ex in order to “desensitize”. You do this for one hour by going through your pictures, videos and stored memories.The most important thing here is to really dig deep, and to completely allow yourself to get into it. Get emotional, cry if you have to. Continue despite the pain you feel, and do this until you feel numb."_

So my point is, I feel I got to where I needed to be, but I took a shortcut getting here. I now realize thanks to the time apart fate had in stored for us, that she wasn't going to be in love with me ever. And that the relationship was detrimental to me in every possible way. I see that now. But I didn't come to my senses because a year ago I manned up and told her to go to hell because she was worthless. I got here because I didn't bother contacting her because I knew she would've just rejected me. As time passed the love I felt for her died away and all that's left are the memories of the horrific things I went through.



3Xnocharm said:


> Not necessarily...you may have not yet moved past the loss of the relationship. If your reaction is anger, then I believe that is a sign of healing.


I had gone more than a couple of months without even thinking of my ex or the relationship. I was immersed doing my job and new activities. In hindsight you could say I was distracted.

Last Christmas we got together at my mothers house. I was happy enjoying the holidays with my mother and my sisters family. Everything was great until I stumbled upon a picture of me and my eX in NYC posing at a tourist attraction that my mom had not taken down.

It instantly changed my mood. My little nephews started asking me constantly if I was ok. Asking me why was I sad. All I could think of when interacting with them was the memory of the unborn child we lost and what would have been. I saw my sister holding hand with her husband and it triggered more memories of past Chirstmases with my eX. I was flooded with emotions of grief and anguish. Not for what I lost, but for what she never meant to give me in the first place. I felt humiliated and used. It was not sadness. That started the recent triggers I've been having I guess.

I asked No.3 because that's what some friends have said. But I feel like I have excessive amount of baggage from my last relationship I haven't been able to shed, that it seems like a lie to me as well.

In regards to No.4 I go back to the article I posted. I find it admirable that the guy had the fortitude to go to a beloved ex's wedding. I guess I was under the impression that in order to overcome bitterness and truly get better (quote from a signature I read here btw), one must be at peace with everyone in our lives. So I'm kinda 50/50 on that.

And as for No.5 I guess we really must be cautious the 2nd time around.

But yeah, I agree that all answers are conditional to each individual's experience. I read everything and take it as food for thought. 

@arbitrator @3Xnocharm @I dunno
thank you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think everyone is different. #1 can turn into obsession; I think it's normal to react emotionally to reminders. Most of my feelings were disbelief, hurt and anger that I put up with so much for so long so there weren't directed at him most of the time unless it was a reactionary emotion to something going on with our daughter.

It doesn't hurt seeing him move on although I was a bit curious and amused by the frumpiness of the woman he started dating. She was thinner but not hot; she was average looking in general. Somehow with all of his hot air I expected he'd be dating this perfect 10 nympho. When I see him I more or less note how old/rough he's looking as I'm sure he notes my physical changes both good and bad. But mostly I feel like I have a secret - I know who he REALLY is. I'm not sure even HE does.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow Wow wow,
Remember I only married once. I had two traumatic breakups as a teen.

So here is my take.

1, Do you also prod wounds to help them heal? or in the immortal words of Weird Al, "I burned down the malt shop where we used to go, Just because it reminds me of you."

2, For me yes this was the sign. Sign to do something about it too.

3 and 4, Yes eventually but my hurt was much less than a marriage betrayal and divorce, so I do not doubt those who voted otherwise.

5, Does not apply to me I'm a slow learner I guess. Did not improve my skills between girlfriends. 
MN


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

In the long run it's about your own sanity, I'd protect it at all cost. The guy is on another plane, let him have his ride. In the meantime keep your feet planted firmly on the ground, in some sumptuous new shoes. Happy Me Time, Oh and keep warm xxx


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that I would never be guilty of planning to attend the wedding of an ex-spouse ~ more especially one who had cheated on me!

And while I may have come to have eventually offered up forgiveness to them for their past sordid misdeeds against me, I'm sure as hell not going to grab up a box of Morton's Salt and vigorously rub the contents thereof into my wound!*


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I agree with what many have said here. As with the rest, it all depends on YOUR particular situation.. 

EG.. My Ex not only left me but also abandoned my oldest 12 and soon to be 15 year old *( For those that followed me, Yea it's been that long )*. But still see's our youngest twice a week.

So how can I forgive a woman who did such heinous things to me before she left and then cut our own child because he was old enough to understand and formulated his own opinion on this affair.. 

So my point is for me in MY relationship with my Ex.. I can say I truly don't care at single bit what happens to her.. I used to wish I was dead at the start of all of this. Then I realized I was wishing the wrong person dead and NOW I want her to live a LONG and healthy life because I was to keep collecting that child support check from her.. 

In the beginning I kept some pictures of when we first met some pictures of her with the boys on their first Halloweens and such.. I kept a card that she wrote to me during her first attempted affair.. In which she basically expressed that she would live the rest of her life proving that she was worthy of me.. When I seen the card the first time around I fell apart.. I put them in a small gift bag and my intent was to give it to her.. Basically a remember what we had.. Remember what you promised me bullsh!t.. Basically a way to guilt her as well. I put it in my closet and forgot about it.. 

MANY months later I found it and I laughed at what a mushy d!ck I was.. I was so happy I didn't give it to her.. I ripped everything up and threw it all out.

I used music to gauge my emotions.. If I kept crying about a song then I knew I wasn't over her. But even if time passes by, I think we all have some sort of feelings for our Ex spouses.. Because once you calm down, you start to realize that their was something wrong with them and this is how they decided to address that situation.. 

They are basically missing certain tools in their emotional toolbox to handle these situations.. So once you realize that, do you beat someone up because they didn't have the right coping mechanisms ?.. I didn't and my boss literally hates me for it.. He took my depression as a slight and that I didn't want to work or work less. Even with me expressing and crying in front of him about my issues.. He still didn't get it.. He thinks it was a scam of sorts.. One day he will also realize that your mind does really crazy things to us.. Thus PTSD... PTSD is common with military people in wars but it is not isolated just to them.. We can get it too..

I think that seeking professional help and having a professional tell you this is your issue ( assuming you can accept it ) and this is what you need to do and understand to fix it is key as well.

For some TAM is their professional help.. So you're basically getting advice from someone sometimes who never sought out their own professional help and dearly needed it as well. So you can end up with some skewed and warped suggestions sometimes.. 

I can clearly tell you I have read many of bitter men beat up on Forum poster / Supporter EI because they couldn't beat up on their own Ex wives for what they did.. 

So take some things with a grain of salt please..

But where you're looking to desensitize yourself for example of these songs, I am using them as a gauge or meter of sorts, my Litmus test of sorts.

So going back about my feelings for my wife.. Where I might have neutral personal feelings for her, I think she is a fvcking Kunt for doing what she is to OUR son.. He didn't do sh!t to her.. He never said a bad word to her.. His only choice was he didn't want anything to do with this man. He would see his mom but not with him there.. 

My Ex wife decision was it was all or nothing I guess.. So I am sticking up for my son and she gets a big Fvck you from me.. I WILL close the door on her if zombies are chasing her down and I expect no less from her and treat her accordingly.. 

I also don't treat this other man well in the sense I do not speak well of him to my boys.. I basically make fun of the guy sometimes.. But I tell my youngest that dad can be a jerk sometimes but he will get it when he gets older.. But my youngest doesn't seem to be a big fan of his either with some of the stuff he tells me that goes on at their apartment.. Basically how does my son know he cannot drive or only has a limited drivers license ? 

Plus they promised him to take him to the moon and back and so far couldn't take him out of the town, if you get what I mean.. I basically done more with my kids since the divorce than they have and they have much more free time than I do..

So again this divorce stuff is different for many.. Mind you much of the cheaters script is the same.. 

I think the common core stuff is exactly that.. Common to everyone but then there are little nuances that make each situation a bit different..


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

You can't reason with unreasonable people, one of you will crack and the odds are it'll be you. Very difficult to see beyond the fog, don't punish yourself with if's and buts, the energy is better spent on lessons learnt and positive thinking. Don't lick it, it'll never get better xxx


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Greg1515 said:


> I've been entertaining a few questions in my head I wanted to ask the experts on TAM about. I want your opinion on weather you think these are mere myths/rumors or facts you can attest to from personal experience:
> 
> 1. It's better if you delve deep into all materials that remind you of your eX [Songs, Movies, Places, Pictures] until you get fed up with them during the grieving process, instead of immediately isolating and removing them from your life. Hearing a song @ the mall that meant something to both of you will have less of an impact then if you're "tired" of hearing it.


Move on - which means don't sit there and listen to stuff that reminds you of him / her. Just keep moving. Eventually you'll hear those songs and time will ease the pain a bit.


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

@EnjoliWoman
"I think it's normal to react emotionally to reminders."
Yeah, I agree. It's just that I really expected reminders to not "hit" me a year after not seeing my ex.
I had eliminated all traces of her in my life and that 1 picture I saw last Christmas at my mom's house sent me back to the bottom. I am able to pick myself up get out of my slump much easier than a year ago. 
I was just disappointed with myself that I still get "stuck on neutral" sometimes and that I allow a cloud of bitterness and embarrassment to hover over me.

@Mr. Nail
I guess reading all posts makes me remember that we all deal with pain differently. Thanks to your Wield Al reference, you made me remember that long ago I actually did a "therapy exercise" where I remembered dark moments of my marriage, her screaming, and her fits ... all played to the tune of the Benny Hill Theme. God I laughed so much fast forwarding all those events to that music, that it helped me not deem them as grim as they were. Not for the sake of forgiving her, but for the sake of moving on.

And in regards to #2, yeah, I have a void I need to fill on my own. I'm still working on that. 

@arbitrator
LOL. Yeah, I haven't talked to my Ex in over a year. Haven't seen her in over a year. And I have NO desire to keep hurting myself even further by changing that trend.

@Hardtohandle
I really want to thank the time and effort you have put into my threads. It's really comforting to find people who care enough to read and put the time in to share their experiences. That goes for all people who replied. 

I have lived through a really horrible situation and I realized I made a mistake when trying to dismiss it. PTSD is probably affecting me. Either that or a severe case of ADHD that makes things really difficult for me. People who organize themselves and can stick to a regimen or discipline will have an easier time getting over breakups. I am too much of an organizational wreck and I'm trying to address that.

You have my sympathies for what you went through. Despite everything my ex did to me, I really wish our child had been born. I know it would have been a really tough life on him/her, but I would've worked endlessly to ensure his/her happiness. But I realize with your experience as well as others that things wouldn't have been as easy as the movie in my head.

And I always take things with a grain of salt. I double check sources and ask 2nd and 3rd opinions. If anything I'm guilty of over thinking things.

@I dunno
Yeah, she's moved on. I don't want her back in my life so I guess I could say I've moved on. But I am dealing with after-effects of the abuse I allowed myself to endure. So in that sense, I'm still working on moving on. I was doing fine till the Holidays. I'll get better. I have TAM to thank for providing a shoulder to cry on when things got tough.

@nice777guy
Yeah I don't listen to anything. I just hate that I'm still "triggered" when I hear "our" songs or things in public. I guess some parts of my marriage are always going to be missed, thus "trigger songs" are always going to make me feel empty. I just have to accept that reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think all of these things are dealt differently by whoever the individual is approaching them. For instance, I have a friend who threw away every single picture of she and her ex husband. I have not done this. To me, photographs are part of my life history. (#1)

(#2) I don't agree necessarily. Humans are full of emotions and just because you feel anger or happiness at seeing something doesn't mean you're not "over" something. There is no one-size fits all box from how one feels from time to time.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I am just beginning the process. He spoke to me last Feb. and said we are hopeless. He wants out. He called the other day just to tell me he is starting to date. In fact he already took our kids with someone and their child out two times together. I had know idea. The kids mentioned it two weeks later. My kids are 6 and 8. I don't know how legal that is, for him to do that. 

As far as moving on, I find it more difficult with children bc there is a constant contact. I hate seeing him and talking with him. I thought I was getting on, but then he called and felt the need to tell me he is starting to date. He just moved out in November.

Most pictures are down, except a few with the kids pictures and him. 
Everyone grieves differently.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

You have to ask yourself, is the ex thinking about you? My advice is to get on with your life, why should you sacrifice your goodness and sanity for someone who is probably feeding from it. Set your stall out and enjoy life, terms and conditions apply. Keep warm xxx


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Greg1515 said:


> @nice777guy
> Yeah I don't listen to anything. I just hate that I'm still "triggered" when I hear "our" songs or things in public. I guess some parts of my marriage are always going to be missed, thus "trigger songs" are always going to make me feel empty. I just have to accept that reality.


Divorced about 3 years now. My "triggers" - including songs - are not nearly as bad as they were 1 or 2 years ago. They are still there, but the feelings are not as intense.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hopelessus said:


> I am just beginning the process. He spoke to me last Feb. and said we are hopeless. He wants out. He called the other day just to tell me he is starting to date. In fact he already took our kids with someone and their child out two times together. I had know idea. The kids mentioned it two weeks later. My kids are 6 and 8. I don't know how legal that is, for him to do that.
> 
> As far as moving on, I find it more difficult with children bc there is a constant contact. I hate seeing him and talking with him.* I thought I was getting on, but then he called and felt the need to tell me he is starting to date*. He just moved out in November.
> 
> ...


Wow, that was a real d!ck move. And your kids should not be meeting anyone he dates unless it is a serious, established relationship. Maybe try telling him that you do not want to have any discussion with him that is not about your children.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I think its an individual feeling and decision. Everyday for 11 years I think of the same exit I get off of the highway. It reminds me of our fist date. Yes I had to drive to him bc he didnt want to come to me (how stupid I was) At first I was so depressed, angry and scared to take that exit everyday fearing it would keep reminding me of that occasion. We even used the song on the radio I used for our wedding song. I also realized I shouldn't change my routine bc how I feel about what he did. I felt like he would win and change my life to avoid those feelings. Now I still use that exit. I have developed new memories of why to take it and most times I don't realize it. It sounds like something so silly, but it has had an impact on my life that I feel I am soon to be conquering.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I am so happy this musical year ended with the Grammys yesterday. My ex sent "All of Me" by John Legend to the OW in an email to celebrate their anniversary. I found that email about a week before I found the nuclear bomb email. 

This was when that song was inescapable. I heard it everywhere - shopping malls, grocery stores, every freaking radio station, even a steel drum version of it when I was lying on the beach in Jamaica. Anyhow, the dumb song did not win a Grammy and I hope it can now fade gently away.


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