# Not sure what to do



## marriedguy13 (May 3, 2015)

My wife and I have known each other for around 15 years and married nearly 14. We have no children. For the last year or so I have felt a disconnect with her. I did not really recognize it was her right away since we had just made a big move and I was dealing with a new job, people, etc. I just figured I was stressed and worn out and after all everyone and every marriage has their ups and downs. Maybe I was in denial? The wife went back overseas a few months ago and in the month or so she was gone I started to wonder if I was happier alone. Of course there are reasons but let me start off by saying it was not all doom and gloom. I had some good times and memories with my wife. In many ways she is a good woman and takes care of me. She left her family and friends on the other side of the world to be with me. I have always been aware of that and have appreciated that fact. I do not hate her although there may be some resent.

Right from the start she has been threatening to leave me over various reasons. She will usually use it to get things. It may be for something materialistic or as leverage against me in some way. She often says very hurtful things and at times can be a very negative person to be around. I often feel like I have to "prove" my love. Saying it doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. She will often say things like "we have nothing in common" and "love is just a word" to which I used to argue against but now I just feel tired and sadly, over time, I have even begun to believe it. Now when she threatens to leave I tell her no one is stopping her. At times it almost feels like she is waiting for me to just give up and pull the plug so the blood is on my hands. I am tired of the emotional blackmail and being made to feel guilty.

Our sex life used to be fairly consistent. In many ways it is boring though. I bought her a dildo one Valentines thinking it could be fun. Besides, I always bought her jewelry and thought I'd try something a little different. However once she got it she broke down, cried, and proceded to tell me that I gave her the worst Valentines ever and she was hoping for a "normal" gift. In fact now that I think of it I have given her the worst birthday, christmas, holiday, anniversary... all without even trying (in fact I was trying to do the opposite). She thinks having her ***** licked is "gross". She doesn't even really like to be touched. I can't help but feel an ex spoilt her for me. I feel like I do 95% of the initiating and "work" as she likes to put it. I have even pushed myself to go without sex to see what she would do. Needless to say I usually go awhile and then her way of turning me on is to complain she hasn't been getting any. Although I don't feel sex is a deal breaker I still do believe it is very important and possibly a contributing factor to how I feel. To be honest though I haven't really thought of sex much these days. In a way her negative attitude has made her less attractive to me.

We have made little "bets" which I have won many. Not all were for sexual favours. Some were for her to simply spend time playing a board game or going for a walk. Of course there is always some small stipulation in the fine print that rules out any victory I though I had. Or if she did conceide I won, there would often times be stipulations on the prize. I have often tried to get her to do things but almost always fail. I don't really expect her to like everything I do but some interest in something would be nice and a little more then 3 times a year at the gun range would be nice as well.... seeing as how we bought a bunch of "pink" guns for her. Am I selfish for wanting that? I do believe people should have some time apart so there are times it's not a big deal. It just feels like we rarely do anything and when we do it feels forced. 

Of course this does not mean I am perfect. When I go shopping with her or do other little things I often become impatient. I know my communication skills need work. Although I have told her the things she said were affecting me and perhaps a divorce could be an option if she kept it up but maybe I wasn't assertive or clear enough. Perhaps I should have gotten angry and made a big deal of it each time she wanted to leave or said something stupid. I feel like this is mostly my fault since I let it get this far. I wish I had had more of a "if she doesn't like it she can **** off and leave then" type of stance. When she gets upset sometimes I shut down and usually cave in to make her stop. I now fully understand that was a mistake. By letting her win everything I have neglected myself and in return have become miserable. In some ways I resent her when she claims she never gets her way but mostly I feel like I have failed her as a husband by being this way and allowing (unknowingly) myself to feel and become this way. 

I have done some hurtful things. I did mess around online a few times. True, I never had any actual intention of meeting or even being close with anyone. I viewed it as little more then glorified phone sex. Perhaps I am wrong in thinking "cheating" requires a physical and emotional connection?.... to which I had neither when online. BUT I can recognize that I would probably be pissed if I read racey things from her to some other dude. So I can't hold it against her for being angry and wanting to go then. With that being said it was a mistake on my part which I do regret. I have told her these things and fought tooth and nail to keep her at the time and thankfully she was forgiving. I know her trust in me was shaken though. I do believe it is something we are past although it does get brought up from time to time so maybe not.

I finally reached the point where I told her I was finished. Her first thought was organizing a garage sale. Now she is telling me she loves me and wants to do things and tell her what she could do to change. I can see she is trying and she claimed she never meant any of those things but I feel like our relationship just keeps looping around back to this point. Each time it does a small piece of me goes with it. The only difference is that this time I want to go and I feel like I have nothing left to give and feel a disconnect with her. She wants sex but it is the last thing on my mind. She got angry at me for giving up so quickly but I feel like I have been fighting since the start to make her happy and have simply reached the breaking point. Truth be told I am simply tired. We have talked of living apart for awhile but she is absolute... if she goes it is for good. Her mom hasn't been well and is getting on. Apparently we will be getting a bunch of money. I don't want to wait around like some vulture. It sucks having your mom go.... would be salt in the wound if your other half decided to bail and take half of what she left you. I don't want to be that guy. 

There is also part of me that just wants things to be ok but is it fair to drag it out? Right now I just feel like I am faking it. I feel terrible inside that I feel this way about my wife. Despite that there were some good times. I also am not keen on throwing away 14-15 years. But maybe it is the hard truth? Has anyone else been in a similar situation or felt the same way? Is it possible to "fall in love" with someone again? We have not gone to MC and to be honest after hearing numerous friends/co-workers talk about their experiences with it I am not sure I am willing. Maybe that is selfish of me but I don't want to completely screw myself over since she has threatened to clean me out before. I would like to be civil about things. I will have to go to IC sometime. I know I need to work on myself so I can be a better partner and person in general. Is it fair to make the wife wait around while I sort myself out? I can't even guarantee it will change things between us. She claims if we seperate we may as well be finished. I suppose it sounds like I have completely given up but maybe I could change how I feel? 
Right now I just want to be alone


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If you reached the point where you will be less emotionally stressed without a partner, then separation is a good idea. If she wants to work with you in saving the marriage, then she will seek help.

A lot of people marry dysfunctional people thinking that love would be enough or that they can change over time. With dysfunctions, people are usually stuck mentally at where they are at.

You have operated your life around her instead of operating with her. If you want to try and save the marriage, then give her the divorce papers and if she really wants to save the marriage, then she will seek professional help and set up the marriage counseling sessions.

Whatever you decide, create a positive life for yourself. True, you cannot at the present have a fulfillment that comes from a relationship with your wife, so you minimize that relationship, and increase time with friends, family, and hobbies to increase those levels of fulfillment in other areas of your life.

As for her threatening to leave, she would have done it herself if she really wanted to. Whatever the case, the relationship is not much of a relationship as it stands.

Start working on you today, and she may change with you. If you change the environment of the home, or change where she will have to interact with you differently, then it may be possible to teach her to act differently around you, although, it is no guarantee.

The end result is for you to be content with your own life however the relationship goes. The way the relationship operates is no longer viable.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This problem has arose not simply because of your wife's demands, etc but because of lack of proper communication with each other. Instead of being open and honest about your feelings you are both playing power games with each other. Your wife wants you to pursue her and show that you really care for her but you believe that you doing everything to show you love her but she doesn't. 

Is is possible you are not meeting each other's primary needs. Read His Needs Her Needs. There is also a website with summarised infor - just do a google search.

You want her to be more sexual, spend more time doing things with you, etc
She wants more attention, affection.

it sounds like you still care for each other very much and it would be a shame to throw away a 14 year marriage without trying to work on things first. Perhaps you need MC help also. Some of the posters here suggest many good reads. Arm yourself with this information first, ask your wife to read them also. 

When you have done all that you can to make the marriage work and if it doesn't, then consider what your options at. At present it looks like you have problems, you are going around in circles but not actually facing the problems head on together.


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## marriedguy13 (May 3, 2015)

I agree with you both. After much research I think I might be suffering from codependency issues  I have gone to see a counsellor and will be going in to CBT program very soon for 6 weeks. I am taking care of myself. I still don't know what to do with the wife in the meantime. Is it fair to make her stick around? She set up an appointment to see a MC but nothing for herself. It might take weeks and possibly months to get in to MC. We don't have tons of cash so we have to go the free route and be put on a waiting list. If I do have codependency it could take around year to be "cured". I want things to work out but I just don't see how.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

After my husband's infidelity, I realized that what they say is true that love really is a choice. The person we married is never going to fulfill you completely and it's not their job to do so. There had to have been something that attracted you to her and you have to be honest with yourself regarding the reason. Some people marry so as to not be alone so they find someone who is tolerable to them but lack the wow factor. Not saying this is true to your situation. My best advice is to work on yourself and your codependency and if counseling isn't affordable right now join a support group. You can look to churches.


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