# Anyone think this is not abusive?



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

My daughter (11) has behavioral problems. I believe this is a direct result of my husband's emotional abuse.

Today, she came home from a 5-day stay at a Christian camp. When I woke up (I work 3rd shift), I came downstairs and he was asking her to put her stuff away. She is a bull and doesn't listen well (neither does he). She was being defiant, so he started getting belligerent saying "I'll turn off the computer, your ass is going to listen to me", so she was screaming "I hate you, I don't want to be here with you". He proceeded to be an 11 yr old himself by spouting names and hatred...."same old stupid, lazy, POS comes back from camp, you'll never change" and on and on. He was throwing a tantrum, being a baboon as far as I'm concerned. So, then he started to go off on me..."well, just let her get away with it then stupid b*tch, be a lazy POS mother like you always have been". So, my daughter looked at me crying and said "Mom, he's abusive and he's abusive to you too, everyone knows that, I want to go live with Grandma" (my mom and dad).

My poor mother is dealing with caring for her mom who's been in hospice and a down syndrome sister (who's been staying with her for a week now), but I decided I finally NEED to pull a support system. I said "Call Grandma, and see what she's doing", so she called from a cellphone because he had turned off the internet (which was part of the battle) because NOTHING in my house works without internet. He was being controlling over all of us, saying we were going to clean and nobody was doing anything else.

I know my daughter needs discipline, I just know abuse isn't the way to change her anger/listening issues. In fact, I think it's the root of the problem.

I took her out of the house to my mom's for the night, so her infantile father can calm down. I was heading to work from there (which I'm at now). When I talked to my mom on the phone, I tried to sound very calm because I know she's tremendously stressed out and I feel guilty burdening her more. All I could do is think in the back of my mind "sure Pig, I'll just burden my mom because you only think of yourself". My first thought was to have the cops come and ask him to leave, but IMO mental/verbal abuse is VERY downplayed in society and I didn't want to feel silly "he's calling us names".

Please state any opinion. I'm always questioning myself whether I'm doing the right things. My 15 yr old son was defending his dad.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Why are with Him? You are letting him abuse your daughter and showing your son how a man treats women. How are you protecting your daughter from the abuse? You need counseling from someone who deals with abused women. You need to figure out why you accept this kind of behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I take it that he's not the father of your children. Is that right?

How long have the two of you been married?

So your husband asked her to put her stuff away. She responded by refusing put her stuff away and bad mouthing him. 

Why has your daughter been allowed to disregard adults, especially her father or step father?

I agree with him. She should lose computer privileges and a lot for this outburst.

I also agree that he was wrong in yelling at her. He should be just gone and removed something like her computer or other prize possession from her room. 

Anytime my children tried a stunt like that I did just that... with very few words and no yelling. They learned that they had to do the things I requested of them and that they could not talk to me in that manner.

Both your daughter and your husband are at fault here.

She's disrespectful and non-compliant. I heard a judge call her behavior "refusal to allow herself to be supervised, or parented". She was also abusive of your husband with her hateful words.

Your husband was wrong because he did not remain the 'adult' in the situation. He did not stay calm and handle it.

Was he abusive? Well he was right to be angry at you for completely siding with your disrespectful and out of control daughter. I don't think he was abusive to you. He was letting you now what he's rightfully upset with you undermining him.

I think that you and your husband need to go to family counseling so that the two of you can learn how to co-parent. Then your daughter needs to be brought into the counseling so that she can learn how to behave respectfully and do her chores without using angry outbursts to get your sympathy and get out of what she needs to do.

Trying to paint your husband as abusive and your daughter and yourself as victims in this case is just wrong.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yep, I agree.... all three of you were wrong. Get counseling for the whole family, including son. 

There is enough ugliness in the world without having to live with it at home.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

It breaks my heart that you write your son was defending his father.

Yes, that is abuse. I grew up with a father who thought it would "toughen me up" to call me names and be sarcastic and cruel. He got loud and violent when angry and would throw things. It scarred me. He's sorry now, but it doesn't fix what happened, and it doesn't fix my triggers (I flinch at loud noises and raised hands/being touched without seeing the person, I am sarcastic and cruel at times to others, low self-esteem, etc).

As parents you should be a single unit, and if you aren't it does need correcting. But that being said, he was in the wrong too. No 11-year-old deserves to be called a lazy POS, no matter how disrespectful they are. And you didn't deserve to be called a lazy POS mother. Agree with EleGirl - MC for you two, maybe a parenting class, and IC for your children.

Fix this NOW, I worry so much about the fact that your son thinks his father's violent outbursts and verbal abuse are okay.


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