# Thoughts? Is she cheating?



## Lost in Translation (Nov 20, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together about 5. In August I had to travel for business for a week and my wife didn’t want to be alone, she felt scared. We talked about it and went over different options. She wanted to stay home, we have a young child, and didn’t want to have family stay with her because she felt it was an inconvenience to them and their families. We discussed having a mutual friend that we both trusted stay over and I agreed. She then asked if she could have her ex boyfriend stay over instead and I was adamantly against it and was shocked that she would even ask, especially because he has never been involved in our lives. I told her that would really upset me and damage our marriage. She couldn’t understand and kept insisting that it was for safety and that she felt safe with him. She was angry that I wouldn’t bend on this and accused me of not caring about her safety and that of my son. I couldn’t believe she was actually trying to have this conversation with me. I told her no again. I called her mutual friend and he said he would do it.

On the first night away, I called from my business trip and she didn’t think our mutual friend could do it and again pitched the ex-boyfriend. I told her no way and she got really upset continuing that I had no regard for her or our sons safety. This went on for 3 nights. She kept pushing and telling me that our mutual friend wasn’t showing up, her anxiety was very intense. Finally, I broke under the pressure of guilt. I was angry that she wanted to do this and upset that she didn’t seem to think about what it would do to us. I told her that she needed to do what she needed to do, that I wasn’t comfortable with it, but I understood her anxiety. I told her not to tell me about it. I honestly thought she wouldn’t have him over. 

The next day it was vey difficult to get a hold of her. When we finally talked late in the evening, she seemed very happy and was rushing to get me off the phone. In all the time I’ve known her, she has never rushed me off the phone. She thought it was cute that I was trying to keep her on the phone. She actually said “It’s cute that you won’t hang up, but I’m starting to get irritated.” I knew that her ex was there. I didn’t sleep for the next several nights and she continued to be difficult to get a hold of. Finally, she called as I was boarding the plane to come home and she told me that he had been there for several nights, but didn’t want to affect my trip and that’s why she was telling me now. I don’t understand why she would want to risk us, why she would tell me now and coerced into giving in to this situation. 

I learned several weeks later that she had been texting him for several months and never shared this with me. I also learned the original text came from her when she invited him to lunch. She met him in college (1996) and had a very intense relationship with him for a year. However after that year, she got engaged to her previous boyfriend, but continued to have sex with this ex boyfriend up until her wedding. A few weeks after she was married, she started an affair with her ex boyfriend that lasted for a couple of years until she decided to break it off. Several years later, and after having 2 children with her husband, she started the relationship up again for a year or so before and then finally divorced her husband after 10 years. I did not know that her relationship with her ex boyfriend had been like that and for over 14 years.. 

In our honest conversation she has told me a lot and I’m glad she could share. She refers to her ex boyfriend as her sexual awakening, the best sex she has ever had. She told me that he could just touch her thigh and she would be like “Let’s ****!” Oral sex was a big turn on for her and a big part of that relationship. They would shower together, have sex in movie theatres, in closets a parties, very adventurous stuff. We have never done anything like that. She doesn’t like oral sex with me, giving or receiving and doesn’t like to have me in the shower at all. I thought this was just her, until I learned recently that she does like it, just not with me. I do feel that they do connect in a way that we haven’t and I’m really sad. 

Ever since my trip, I have been completely confused about everything. She does continue to communicate with him, despite knowing how I feel. I feel hurt, like she should automatically understand why this is wrong. I feel emasculated, like I’m not a competent lover for her and someone else could please her better than I can. My confidence is gone and I don’t want to have sex with her. I don’t know what all this situation means, but I know it’s not good. I feel like I’m putting things in place to drive a barrier between us so we can’t be close. I wake up angry thinking about this everyday. I feel like a consolation prize. 

Help.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

In short, yes. Absolutely. She is cheating. Your wife is severely damaged.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes. Absolutely yes she cheated.

So she invited what she called her exBF but in reality here exBF and exLonger Cheating partner into your home and likely your bed.

Wow, and to actually confront you to get your permission - just wow.

You are the consolation prize, sorry, but you are. Especially since she won't put effort into having sex with you.

I think you should confront her about how she did cheat with him in your bed - given their history you know it happened. Common. 

I think you should also demand that she cuts all communication with him - or you need to divorce. That may sound extreme, but look at their history - he was like is her Affair Partner. And she is continuing her relationship right in front of you. 

Want to guess why she doesn't like doing any of the sexual stuff with you? It's because she's doing it with him, and it's his special thing with her. She doesn't want to cheat on her lover.

If this was my wife and situation - I would be talking to a lawyer because what she is doing is to blatant and so disrespectful there is no way she could possibly not be cheating.

He already ended one of her marriages, sounds like he's about to end a second one.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Is she cheating? Almost certainly.

Also, get a paternity test.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know, you're only emasculated if you don't take action and call her out.

What she is doing - even contacting her exAP is beyond acceptable relationship boundaries, but to invite him into your home when you are away is as extreme as you can get short of sending a movie of them doing it.

You want your manhood back? Then call her on it, tell her she needs to fix this and come fully clean if she wants to stay married. She must take a polygraph test and answer what's been going on. If she won't then, it means divorce now, because the humiliation and direct disrespect isn't something you'll live with.

If she wants the OM, so much then she can pack her things and go to him. You won't be a doormat any longer.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tell her you felt apprehensive about this boyfriend conversation so you put voice activated recorder in the house before you left. You head everything. The conversations, the love making. All of it. It took you so long to come to her with this because you were torn up about the idea of having to spy on her. Go buy one today and show it to her while you're having this conversation. As a matter of fact, pull it out from under the couch and show her how clearly it just recorded this conversation.

See what her reaction is and take it from there.

I'm going through something right now where my wife saying "I'm going to do this" actually meant "I am going to do some wildly inappropriate things". How she can say she's going to do something that didn't include sex with her first love, when it obviously was the plan, confuses the crap out of me.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

MrK said:


> Tell her you felt apprehensive about this boyfriend conversation so you put voice activated recorder in the house before you left. You head everything. The conversations, the love making. All of it. It took you so long to come to her with this because you were torn up about the idea of having to spy on her. Go buy one today and show it to her while you're having this conversation. As a matter of fact, pull it out from under the couch and show her how clearly it just recorded this conversation.
> 
> See what her reaction is and take it from there.
> 
> I'm going through something right now where my wife saying "I'm going to do this" actually meant "I am going to do some wildly inappropriate things". How she can say she's going to do something that didn't include sex with her first love, when it obviously was the plan, confuses the crap out of me.


That's a risky way to go. Some cheating spouses will still deny everything even in the face of hard evidence. And if any of your details are wrong, she'll know you're bull****ting. If she denies it and you've got nothing to back it up, you'll just look crazy.

Getting a VAR might be a good idea if you feel you need proof. 
Keyloggers are also a possibility. Also, depending on the phone, he might be able to intercept those messages as well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Screw the VAR I'd simply file for divorce.

She'll never allow you to be the man she wants

Then I`d get a paternity test.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I can't believe you dropped your boundaries like that. You were doing so well inforcing them.

Me? I'd file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Please, of course she is cheating on you and you now it.

She "didn’t want to have family stay with her because she felt it was an inconvenience to them", but thought that it would be OK to ask her the lover that she cheated with in her former marriage to stay over, and you have to ask if she cheated. You know that she has been secretly texting and meeting him behind your back and waited for you to go out of town so she could have him sleep over.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Yes. Absolutely yes she cheated.
> 
> So she invited what she called her exBF but in reality here exBF and exLonger Cheating partner into your home and likely your bed.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Geez, yet another one of these "Ex-BF has always been in the marriage" type situation. Why don't these people just marry their love of their life in the first damn place instead of stringing an innocent person & child along? 

Lost in Translation, check out Bleeding's thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34736-wifes-ea-ex-bf-war-veteran-im-so-lost-please-help.html

Scared of being alone? Do you live in Baghdad or East LA or something? She's just made up some excuse to have her BF over there so she could bang him. OM was the best sex she ever had? I would bet money that your marital bed is compromised too now. Like Shaggy said, you're the consolation prize. Obviously this OM didn't measure up financially or something. You're just the steady provider her. She's cuckolding you. She wants the security of marriage with you, but wants to be free to bang him to her hearts content. Don't stand for it.

Tell her to leave and be with her OM if he's all that. And I would have a paternity test done on your child. Otherwise, you might be raising an OMs children in the future if you stay with her.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You know, you're only emasculated if you don't take action and call her out.
> 
> What she is doing - even contacting her exAP is beyond acceptable relationship boundaries, but to invite him into your home when you are away is as extreme as you can get short of sending a movie of them doing it.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. She clearly does not understand what a relationship is. The grass is always greener on the other side. Its always easy to look at someone you are not sharing a life with and only having fun and sex with as a better option. A smart person understands its a fantasy and not a reality of who that person is.

If she refuses to break contact with him your relationship is over, period. No way around it, even if you would sit back and let her do it you relationship is over, why hang on to being treated like that.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Wow... boldy so... I am so sorry


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Of course she is cheating. She has been in an emotional affair since you were married. She has been a serial cheater with this ex for a long time and destroyed her first marriage because of it. She demanded that he come over at night while you were gone. Do you think she was playing checkers with him? She tells you he was the greatest sex for her ever. This should tell you everything you need to know.

This is so pathetic. You are the door prize. You are married and she will not let you do things that she loved doing with her ex. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have said it was acceptable to her? 

She has been texting him for months behind your back. It is clear that she cheated on you. 
1. Please get tested for STD's
2. Get a paternity test on your child. She was cheating for years on her previous husband with him so why do you think she was not cheating on you? She is a serial cheater so the chances are pretty good that the child may not be yours.
3. SEE AN ATTORNEY. She is playing you for an absolute fool and clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
4. You may also wish to polygraph her and know exactly how much she has been cheating on you and how much sex she had with him when you were out of town. You would be absolutely crazy and a masochist to stay with her. She is toxic to you. Save yourself now. Good luck.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

This is not even a close call, as regards both her having cheated and what you need to do.

Look at your wife's history. This woemn is very badly damaged, a truly sick puppy. 

Unless you are okay being cuckolded on a regular basis, you should divorce her asap.

I had to do this twice. And, both wives, I found, had histories similar to your wife's.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

WOW! Not only is she a cheater, but a bully also! 



> didn’t want to have family stay with her because *she *felt it was an inconvenience to them and their families.


So my question is, why didn't she just go to them. I mean if she is so concerned for her safety then she definitely should have turned to her family and not her OM.



> she didn’t think our mutual friend could do it and again pitched the ex-boyfriend. I told her no way and *she got really upset continuing that I had no regard for her or our sons safety. This went on for 3 nights. She kept pushing *and telling me that our mutual friend wasn’t showing up, her anxiety was very intense.


Definitely a Bully! Have you talked to this mutual friend? What is his answer about his not coming over? I'm sure his version is going to be very different from your wife's version. Talk to your neighbors and see if anyone saw a male at the house, prior to him getting permission to come. She may have been anxious because someone already saw him. I would also ensure she gets some serious IC, anyone who cannot be in a house alone with a child without getting that anxious, well as a mother I question her ability to be to think in the best interests of the child.



> Ever since my trip, I have been completely confused about everything. She does continue to communicate with him, despite knowing how I feel. I feel hurt, like she should automatically understand why this is wrong. I feel emasculated, like I’m not a competent lover for her and someone could please her better at it than I can. My confidence is gone and I don’t want to have sex with her. I don’t know what all this situation means, but I know it’s not good. I feel like I’m putting things in place to drive a barrier between us so we can’t be close. I wake up angry thinking about this everyday. I feel like a consolation prize.


She continues to communicate with him because she doesn't care about you, her marriage, or her family, look up borderline personality disorder (BPD) it may explain why she just doesn't seem to care. My exh would chat online with women, often of a sexual nature, but because he didn't initiate it he didn't think it was wrong. We went to MC and the therapist told him in no uncertain terms to stop, he thought that meant he could continue but just tell me about the fact he chatted with so and so, that by doing that he made it ok. Please don't take it upon yourself to think there is something you can say to snap her out of this. You can't, it won't and you will just drive yourself crazy in time. It has nothing to do with being a good lover, but everything to do with she is a selfish crazy beotch. 

I'm so sorry that you are in this position, my best advice is to file for divorce. Your other choice is to let it continue and be her consolation prize. If you really want to do what is best for your child, do not raise him in a house with a woman as toxic as this, every child should have sanctuary away from the crazy parent to help instill a sense of normalcy in their lives. She has some serious issues and needs some serious IC. Look at her past behavior, she has already ruined one marriage for this man, you and your son are just collateral damage to her. Remember everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect, none of this falls under that category. Try to keep positive and stay strong, come here often for support, sadly this roller-coaster is just getting started for you.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Screw the VAR I'd simply file for divorce.
> 
> She'll never allow you to be the man she wants
> 
> Then I`d get a paternity test.


:iagree:

And geesh,this OP makes my blindness look mild!
OP..I would have already filed for divorce and would never talk to her again unless I had to in court. Wow,what a pathetic woman!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I hope you are making this up. 

If my S/O ever told me sex was better, or even talked about sex with somehone else her ass would be out the door. You should get an award for being the spouse with the least ammount of partner respect on record.

Man up, please!


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## ChubbieOwl (Nov 19, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Screw the VAR I'd simply file for divorce.
> 
> She'll never allow you to be the man she wants
> 
> Then I`d get a paternity test.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:




Locard said:


> I hope you are making this up.
> 
> If my S/O ever told me sex was better, or even talked about sex with someone else her ass would be out the door. You should get an award for being the spouse with the least amount of partner respect on record.
> 
> Man up, please!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh man. This is as easy as Courtney Love on prom night; well, maybe not that easy.

Let's think this one through for a sec; she felt uncomfortable spending nights alone without you, yet when the idea was brought up in terms of who can check up on her, the first name out of her lips is the dude she destroyed her first marriage with? There is no reason, NO EFFIN' REASON why he should be within sniffing distance of your place, let alone spend the night while you're out of town.

While you were away on business, what do you think the two of them were up to? Do you honestly think he went over there overnight just to sleep on the couch? They had this set up for months and were only waiting for an opening; your business trip was the perfect alibi.

My man, the question you should be asking isn't whether they slept together while you were gone; we all know the answer to that one. The question you should be asking is whether you want to still be involved with someone who will never, EVER regard you as a sensual being, especially in comparison to this guy. Her AP, as admitted by her, is the best she ever had in bed, the one who give her multiples without even trying, the one she had her sexual awakening with. You, on the other hand, is regarded by her as the provider, the one who pitches in on babysitting the kids and/or the chores when she needs a break. She will never see you as anything more than that because the OM has her championship belt firmly around his waist and has been 'that guy' long before you came onto the scene.

Take it from someone who lived the same nightmare you are going through right now. There is nothing worse than living with somebody who sees you as the bronze medal winner in the bedroom. Because no matter how much she lies to you about it, she will always think back to the nights of passion she had with him, with this latest foray adding to the ledger. You'll never make her as hot taking out the trash, paying the bills, or getting her brake pads replaced.

Are you willing to be her second banana? I wasn't and is moving on with my life. As I stated before, there are plenty of others out there who would value you as gold and not as some cheap imitation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost in Translation (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who posted. I appreciate the candor and found all the comments helpful.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Tough love friend, best wishes.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Can't be real. Just can't be.


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