# Did I do more damage?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Did I do more damage by exposing the affair?

I am just wondering now because my H is finding out that I have told people and now him and his mom are mad at me. I told his mom I did not tell people for the sake of telling them but hoping he would come to his senses and wake up from his fantasy(which he has not because he still denies the affair). I know he would be angry when I tell people but he really seems to be upset which of course in a way confirms his affair.

I actually told his mom,his brother, two close cousins of his, two of his best friends, two former colleagues(who are close to us as friends and very family oriented), 2-3 of my friends. I think also my H former boss(who stopped working at the company last summer) also found out that we are divorcing but does not know the real reason(he has been married 4 times himself)

All these people have known me for about 9 years, they know my son so they are not strangers. Of course I have not posted it on Facebook or something like that.
We are now in a process of collaborative divorce(we have not signed the papers yet to do collaborative) and I try to stall the process where I can and I have repeated to both lawyer and to his family that divorce was never my option.

On the other hand I also have a problem with my parents. All they are talking is how to revenge at my husband and that is really not helping me move on. Unfortunately, I am now dependable for the moment on them little bit financially and they are going to watch my child once I come back. I have told them to stop doing that. I don't get along with my mom particularly well and they don't even let me grieve properly. My mother even tried to put a blame on me for the divorce because I was this or that. I think right now I get more grief from them than my husband. They think I should be a b**** and I am not a person like that. 

If I had the financial capability right now I would runaway from everything and everyone right now. I just need some peace and quiet.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hey - I've questioned the idea of exposing the affair in the past, but the real damage here was done by your husband. Chances are, no matter how things wind up, his mother will be on his side.

Hang in there. Hope things start to get better for you soon!


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## yellowsky (May 10, 2010)

Exposing the affair is your decision...you have a right to because he brought it into your relationship and you are part of the relationship and can do as you choose.. Is it helping the situation...who knows? 

As far as not being a b........and taking the high road good for you! We need more people in this world like you. The idea of revenge and he hurt me so i will hurt him is crap..you should avoid being in hurtful relationships and being with negative - hurtful people but i agree with you..hurting them back is never the right thing to do..move on, find honest,. loving, respectful people.

I am trying to take the high road after my wifes affair and it is a horrible situation but truly it is the best path.

Good for you! I am glad you are doing what you are doing! You are a great role model! 

Good luck to you! All the best


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Any damage done was by your husband - and anything you did to enable him to have an affair (if you did any such thing). 

It would be really strange for him NOT to get mad if you told people to whom he was lying....the truth! That is to be expected. He wanted you to go along with him (just like his mom does...) The fact that you won't...makes him mad.... 

So he has a temper tantrum when he gets caught doing something wrong. So he needs to grow up.

As for your parents - just let them vent - you are not obligated to do what they say - you are an adult. And they are angry at him for hurting you. It will take them a while to get past it. In the meantime, just keep doing what is right.


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## betrayedhusband (Apr 17, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Did I do more damage by exposing the affair?
> 
> I am just wondering now because my H is finding out that I have told people and now him and his mom are mad at me. I told his mom I did not tell people for the sake of telling them but hoping he would come to his senses and wake up from his fantasy(which he has not because he still denies the affair). I know he would be angry when I tell people but he really seems to be upset which of course in a way confirms his affair.
> 
> ...


Exposing an affair is a tough decision to make. There are some of the mindset that the ONLY way to go is to expose to friends and family. I have been going back and forth on this myself (my wife cheated on me....I have posted my story here). I have not gone the exposure route...yet. Still undecided. I see from your post that it may have not had the intended effect. I hope you find the peace and quite your looking for and your situation improves....from one BS to another....

Peace.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

notreadytoquit said:


> Did I do more damage by exposing the affair?


Only in the sense that others who he wants to respect him now do not.

But that is all a fallout from his behavior.

You did right to attempt to get help of others to cope with this.

Sure, there will be some impact, but it is not even on the same magnitude order of impact as his cheating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your marriage would NEVER have recovered, even if he stopped seeing OW, without him reaching total humility. Telling the important people in his life gave him the _opportunity_ to reach out in humility to them and admit his mistake, and receive their forgiveness.

He chose not to.

That is HIS loss.

YOU took the high road by _fighting_ for your marriage, as you should have.

All that has happened is that he has shown his true colors and inability to proceed with dignity and morals.

And ignore your mom. It sounds like you've had a lifetime of her telling you how much you don't measure up. Great mom...

Time to look elsewhere for validation. Like within yourself!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm sorry honey, I honestly don't know. By the time I found out it had been over for so long that I didn't have a need to expose it to anyone but a few of our closest friends. And I can tell you without a doubt that I don't regret that at all. His two closest friends looked at him with utter disappointment and shunned him completely. When he was done, they told him what a moron he was and came to check on me. 

All I can say is that I agree with the others. You have to earn respect, and it can be lost in an instant. What he did lost the respect of friends and family, that isn't because of you. Good luck honey.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The sad thing is I still don't know the real reason why we are getting divorced, other than lack of communication somewhere down the road. I have rolled back the movie in my head million times over the last 3 years and I am yet to find a moment or situation that might have reflected on him being unhappy. Some of the people I told I also asked them if he had said anything. He had not except to one of his friends. He told him in late December 09 that we had marital problems(before even I knew and his affair has records as of Nov 09). 

I remember one time in Nov 09 I was actually sitting in his lap and we were talking about what we would do if he lost the job. He even suggested that I come back to Canada with our son earlier. I told him we either come back together or stay together as family.

In a way I think he was trying to make those arrangements when the affair was in the early stages(this is my opinion only). That would have been perfect. I would have been in Canada and he would have had free time with her in the US. Maybe he would have still asked for divorce but I don't know that.

Living the double life cannot be easy for sure.

I also remember him saying something in the summer of 09 when the rumors of the company being sold started. He said if he got his severance he would take 6 months to spend more time with me and the baby. We were also making plans as to what kind of a house we would buy whether in Canada or the US. Now do all these look like plans an unhappy person would make in a marriage? This is why I think his story about being unhappy for 3 years is nothing more than BS to justify to himself the affair(since he is not admitting it). And when he says that I complained about too many things in CT, well he complained about the same things too so that does not just make me negative.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever go to marriagebuilders and read up about affairs? One of the KEY things that happens is that they 'rewrite history.' Suddenly, as soon as the affair starts, their WHOLE marriage was a sham. It was ALL a lie, terrible, they were just suffering through it. Silly, huh? But it happens all the time. That's part of the 'fog.'

IF they do end the affair, this is often an area where they may start to 'remember' that they actually had a decent marriage.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Ahhhhh what a topic!! I don't believe there is a one size fits all approach on what to do or how to handle a affair each and every situation is different. 

I don't necessarily believe in many of the principles out there, but then again I believe many people are idiots too, so there may be truth in it.

To me it seems your marraige was unsalavageable simply because you were the only one working towards a solution he was not. That is his fault not yours! His anger is due to his guilt and the lies he told! Do not feel guilty or at fault he is to blame 100%.

The most recent divorce I've seen was a couple married 7 years. The husband was 60k/yr blue collar the wife was stay at home and in school. Once she graduated she got a job in the white collar world. She quickly (6-8 months) decided she didn't like being married to a "worker" and wanted a different life. 

She hooked up with a "Sr.Project Manager" a few years older and that was that. He didn't want that and I don't think she was in a "fog" she liked what she had until she had something better, threw her vows in the toilet, took the 1 child and left. 

Her and the "new guy" are still together 12-13 months and the ex-husband pays child support. 

In the end some people decide life is too short, they don't care about the vows, and decide I only live once and I want "####" this type of life.

I hope you find a new life too with the help of family and friends there is someone out there better than your husband! Good luck!!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My husband was the CEO the OW was the Quality Manager. She is 48 my H is 42. She is going through divorce, her husband is same age as mine. Her H has white collar job but does not make anywhere what my H makes. 

My H is generous by nature and does not appreciate the money he earns very hard. He spends on lavish hotels, restaurants places she could probably not afford with her husband.

When I met my husband he was 40lbs heavier and he was not CEO. Same when I married him.

So I guess it is clear why she is with my H. My H told her in one email he loves her. So he thinks love she thinks dollar signs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That reminds me of my husband's hairdresser, who put her husband through pilot's school. Once he became an airline pilot....well, you know. Divorced a year later.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Maybe we should start a dating website for people who have gone through infidelity and ended up divorced. Seems like there would be enough candidates.

Oh in my last post I wanted to say that the OW H is same age(42) as my Husband. I am going to be 37 this year and the OW is 48.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I have also noticed that most of the people I told about the affair were sympathetic and offered support in the first few weeks. They all received a copy of the obvious emails that prove the affair. Only few of them had the guts to actually either talk to him or email him. Now it seems that they also stopped communicating with me(have not replied to emails,not returned phone calls). His family(brother, mother, sister-in-law) seems to think I did wrong by exposing the affair. They have not even called to ask how our son was doing(they do call my H on the phone). Is this normal or they just decided to either approve his behaviour or they just want to stay out of our business?


I also found out that my MIL was not particularly fond of me even before we got married. I guess she did not like the fact that I speak my mind and that I somehow dominated my H which is never true. He always avoided his mother because she would annoy him. We had an understanding that I dealt with my family and he dealt with his.

My MIL told this to some of her family members who in turn told me(few days ago). She is also trditional Southern European woman and her late husband always wore the pants in the family.

So I don't know if I should make anything out of this or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't worry about it. I know it's hard right now wondering if you're going to be ostracized, but you will be happier; it's only been a short while. You'll find tons of stuff to fill your life with.

When my DH stood up to my Evil Stepmother, she tried to get rid of him by writing to CPS and saying he was abusing our daughter. They threw it out as spurious. Told us to sue my stepmother, to stem the rumors, and I refused; didn't want our daughter to lose her only grandfather. But the rumors started, just like the CPS lady said they would. DD19 - 6 to 9 at the time - kept losing all her friends. Finally realized that one of our neighbors had started going to all the new people in the neighborhood and warning them away from us. By that time, the rumor was that DH was a child molester, on the prowl. I went up to people, told them point blank what was happening, and asked them to say something, to stand up for us, to (heaven forbid) testify for us in court - even our best friends! - and not a single person would do anything. Not a one. NO one wanted to 'get involved.' 

I learned a lot from that period. We finally had to move, after kids started harrassing DD19 about being molested. But I learned to never expect anything. 

Now, when you're talking about exposing an affair, it's different. Why? Because the majority of the effect of exposure is all in the affair partners' heads. The shame. The embarrassment. Whether or not people approach them, they KNOW that everyone is looking at them and thinking about it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am glad I sent them those attachments because they all said they would have not believed he could do such thing. So how should I interpret the friends behaviour? I can understand the family being angry at me. 

Or should I give it a little bit of time and see if any of them keep in touch? 

Or do people think that I should have not aired our private laundry in public like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think you will always have some people on both side of the fence. Some people don't want to hear about your dirty laundry and others will sympathize and tell you that in the situation they think they would do the same. Honestly, if the need was there in my situation and had I found out while it was actually going on, I would have been burning up the phone lines. He treated me like crap during his affair and after, and I would have wanted his parents to see the truth. His family sweeps everything under the rug anyway but I would know that they knew. May sound crazy, but thats what I would have needed. 

When the SHTF, that is when you find out who your real friends are. If most of them have disappeared then you know. My best friend on this planet told me about her H's affair and we grieved together, she could call at 2 am and cry, I didn't care. She was my friend and she needed me. And when I went through it, the favor was by far returned. She is the ONLY one. Depressing when you think you have a lot more than one person to help you through things. But as it turns out, she was all I needed. Hope you can find your one.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am coming back to CT in two days with my mom again. She will stay for two weeks and then my spineless MIL will come for one week both to help with the child.

In the past 3 wks in Canada I got some admin stuff done for my son, made my financial affidavit for the lawyer with all my future expenses, looked at some apartments, checked out some contacts for work(that part does not look too promising). My communication with H has been to minimum only via Skype so he can see our 17 mts old who can barely babble. We did have one heated exchange via Blackberry. I was trying to explain to him that I needed the help of his mom especially if he wanted us to proceed with any meetings. I made it clear to him that I was not going to take the kid to a meeting or leave him with a stranger. Other than that there has been no communication regarding our present situation. I have also not told any other friends regarding his affair. From a legal point of view nothing has been filed yet. 

One of my H colleagues whom I told first about the affair and who was shocked by his behaviour just added the OW on his linkedin profile. Now I understand they all worked together but I was still bothered by it I must admit. This guy also has me on his linkedin as well.

The OW also sent H invitation to connect on Linkedin. He has not accepted her yet but I did see where she works now. She just sent that yesterday. She probably does not know that most of her ex colleagues either know about the affair or are about to find out(mostly from other people talking)

In the meantime the OW husband sent me an email(I have not kept in touch with him as per advice on this forum and my lawyer) saying she has not been out a lot lately but I don't read too much into it because they could be keeping low profile for the moment.

Some days I really think I need to move on but some days it is really difficult because I still have feelings for him. His family still ignores me. 

Our nephew is having his 5th bday in two weeks. I got him a gift and card today and gave them to MIL to take them. I know hubby and son will go there but my H will not take me. BIL lives about 3hrs away from us. I signed the card from son and I. Husband has not said anything to me about that bday but I heard that from MIL today. So in a way he is punishing me for telling people about the affair(that's my opinion only)

So where do I go from here? Continue with plan A and B? Anything I should NOT do? Of course everyone around me is telling me my H does not deserve me and I should move on. What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would give up on his family. They don't want to support you; so be it. This is your new life. 

I would still be letting people know why you're divorcing, if they ask. Just tell the truth.

Honestly, I don't see much hope, unless his affair decompresses and he hits rock bottom. Maybe when he sees how much money he's going to have to spend to support you, lol.

Sorry I'm not more hopeful.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

not ready to quit- We should talk. I am going through very similar things with a collabrative divorce. Husband having an affair. I confronted and exposed. He is still denying it. Read my other posts. Our situations are so similar.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Affaircare any thoughts from you on this?
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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Exposing the affair brings it out into the open, where it is much harder to maintain. It is one step out of several that you use to protect your marriage and let your spouse realize what they've been doing. 

People react in many different ways when they hear of an affair. You can't control what they think about it, nor what they do with the news. What is important is that your husband can no longer lie to people around him -he has to face up to the truth. And that, over time, can have a positive outcome.

I wouldn't concern yourself over what his family thinks - most likely they will see through him more and more as time progresses - but it is also likely that they will stick by him, regardless of his actions (blood is thicker than water...)

What you should NOT do? Fight with him. Spend any time trying to prove to him that he is wrong. Don't try to control anyone but you.

What to do: work on yourself. Get your finances, etc. in order. Enjoy the baby. If Plan A gets too hard, consider Plan B.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Tanelornepete,
In one of your previous posts you said that plan A and B are also possible even after divorce. Plan B talks about separation with no contact. We have a child and he wants to see him(skype) talk to him(at this point is really H talking to himself). How do I implement plan B if we have a child? Keep it all business like?

We are still not divorced but if we get there he will stay in the US and I will be in Canada
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

In my situation, as the H and the primary care giver, I have received a lot of support. No one has said I did wrong on the exposure. My W only complained about me speaking to her mother. I don't think the exposure will cause her to stop the affair because she is intoxicated and irrational. But almost everyone I spoke to tried to talk with her and a warned them all what to expect. One of her closest friends said, "What is she, 3 years old?". I am having spats of anger the last couple of days, because this has effected our son so much. How could she not see how horrible she would look in his eyes. The person he loved and trusted (probably more than me) betraying everything he loved. I don't see my son forgiving her. If we can't work things out soon, she would have to be completely out of her mind to serve me with divorce papers. He would hate her. So I expect I have time to twiddle my thumbs. This makes my situaton a little different form yours


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I just wonder if the average person understands why a betrayed spouse would expose an affair. When I say average person I mean someone who has not gone through this horrible experience.

I have been going through some moments of anger too lately. I guess that is to be expected. But I am trying hard not to let it consume me.

I was reading more about plan A and B on marriage builders. Not sure how each would play out in my situation but at least the part about working on myself won't hurt.
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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

The last couple of days I have been thinking what if the shoe were on the other foot. She would have told the world. My son would hate, hate, hate me. No one would ever talk to me again. I would be a lost soul. That is the image she had with our friends and family. 
But you and I are in the same boat. We still love our wayward spouse. So they will kick us and we will take it. WE have to draw the line somewhere.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My husband had that image with friends and family. Absolutely none would have believed me about his affair if I did not send some of the most obvious proof. Since we don't really talk much(remember there is no affair in his head) I don't think he is fully aware how many people know(other than his family).
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I see nothing wrong with letting him know.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Tanelornepete,
> In one of your previous posts you said that plan A and B are also possible even after divorce. Plan B talks about separation with no contact. We have a child and he wants to see him(skype) talk to him(at this point is really H talking to himself). How do I implement plan B if we have a child? Keep it all business like?
> 
> We are still not divorced but if we get there he will stay in the US and I will be in Canada


I can help you with this one. See, what disloyals often think is the fantasy, remember? And part of their fantasy is that they will continue to sort of have you around (like a safety net) to meet some of their needs when the OP can't. Here's a good example. Let's say the OW does shower her appreciation more often or more loudly than you do. She's meeting that need. But...he still has to pay YOU for the baby and now he can't buy the stereo OW wants and she yells at him about it. It *COULDN'T* be her that making him unhappy because she is his SOULMATE and she loves him! It must be something else... hmmm... OH YEAH! That's right it's notready! She's the one causing the unhappiness. "Cool I can blame her..." and so he calls you to pick a fight and blame you. 

Or he is supposed to have the baby "this week" and "this week" the wistress wanted time alone with him so she complains...and he calls you to see if you'll bail him out and keep the baby. You won't! You're going to MAKE him experience the consequence of his choices and MAKE him be dad by himself for a WHOLE WEEK? You heartless .... person.  

My point is that the disloyals think they can dump you, live their fantasy, and continue to sort of control you as if they were still married to you. After divorce you two may as well be STRANGERS. They have literally NO MORE SAY in your life. Period. They can't say what you can wear, drink, eat, do, say ... nothing. And they can't tell you if you can date or who either! So the idea is to go to Consequences/Plan B before divorce so they can see that doing it "all by themselves" is hard and not really something they want to do. Also it will show them more of the truth about the OP...like the OP can't meet all their needs EITHER! ...like the OP doesn't "make" them happy either. ...like the grass isn't really all that much greener over here, and if it is there is a lot of manure that caused it! 

Here's how you do Plan B/Consequences with a child: Parenting Notebook

You both write down dates and pertinent things on that site. If he calls you, you can answer and say ONE THING: "Oh, are you ready to dedicate all your affection and loyalty to me--end all contact with the Other Woman and NEVER, EVER contact her again--and give me access and passwords to your accounts so I can verify your honesty? You're not? Okay call me when you are...bye!"

At first, he might try to call over and over... or text ...because he'll realize he won't be able to control you. But in this phase, any info about the child is online on that notebook and it is WRITTEN for a court of law. Otherwise there are no other interactions. Don't let him draw you into fights, demands, disloyal dizziness....none of it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Here is some update:
Yesterday morning we had one of our divorce meetings. Meeting went well. In the aftwrnoon my H came home to spend some time with our son then he left again. After he left I vaccumed the floor. I have a problem with my sciatic nerve especially after pushing a vaccum cleaner. I had lots of problems with that during my pregnancy.

So in the early evening my H who was surprisingly home saw me going to the gym. I was doimg light walking on the treadmill when all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain down my leg.

I emailed H to leave me in the living room the heating pad he has been using for several months. I got home in pain and he saw me and gave me the pad.

This morning in his email(I go in once in a while) I see he forwarded my email to his lawyer saying how it was strange that I sent that email to him even though I was fine all day. Of course he did not know until this pm that I had vaccumed(he knows I get this pain).

So why would he send stuff like this to his lawyer? He told his lawyer that he wanted this to be on record. Is he gaslighting me? Sometimes he likes to play mind games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is trying to keep from having to pay. Finding anything wrong with you to prove you're the problem not him. Stop interacting with him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok turnera that's what I thought. So is gaslighting also typical behaviour of a cheater or is it more a personality disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, it is a product of an entitlement issue, whether it results in cheating or not. Many other ways to do this to people.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

What do you guys suggest I should do if husband is trying to portray me like the crazy spouse who invented the emails(the proof of his affair), to friends and family? I get this feeling that he has started doing that.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Ignore it. They will learn the truth over time.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I need your opinion on something that happened today:

I suggested to him that regardless of the fact that we are not doing collaborative divorce we can still sit down and work out some point in the parenting plan because to me the child is first everything else is second. He also made a similar suggestion last week to me too. I told him we can agree on what we agree and if we don't agree on somethings then we can involve the lawyers. I told him I would not discuss any money(child support/alimony with him).

So I tell him: Let's sit down tonight after child goes to sleep and talk about this. He say: Oh I have to go to the gym. I said: So the gym is more important than your childs future. You can always skip the gym one evening. And then he goes to me: well alimony and child support are no rocket science, there is a formula that the courts use out there. That's how his lawyer explained that to him. My response to him was: Sure there are formulas but not everybody's situation is the same and then I repeated that all discussion about money will go through the lawyer.

So then he calls me back and asks me if I want to talk about it during our son's nap. I told him I have few things to do myself so then he says ok we'll talk tonight.

What I don't understand is that the few times we communicate first he would explode in his own way but then he would back down sort of. And this has happened few times now. It's almost like a switch goes off in his head occasionally.

In the meantime, I am all calm about everything even though I want to explode myself inside.

Is this also normal behaviour of a wayward spouse? It seems to me that lately he has not been out with the OW a lot but that does not mean they are not in touch. Her divorce will be final in two weeks. Could they be keeping a low profile while we are in the process or could it be something else? I don't know what to think anymore(I try not to think about the OW and him much but it is hard)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep. Low profile. 

My boss is 'with' a man who is suddenly going through a divorce; now that he's met my boss...but it's all hush hush, you know?

Anyway, I think that his responses to you are simply his way of reacting to you. Each person we know sets up an automatic feeling we associate with that person; I'd guess that his, to you, is one of 'uh oh what do I do now' or something like that. Then, after a time, his auto response goes away and he thinks about it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Thanks turnera. Anyone else have any other words of wisdom or experience to share?
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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am about to sit down with my foggy disloyal spouse to work out some basic details on parenting plan minus any money talk. Basically if I see he is getting agitated or unreasonable I will stop the discussion and leave it up to the lawyers.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and I will update you later how it went. We will probably not agree on everything but even if we agree on something it's a start. We would have to do something like this whether it's separation or divorce anyways.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok so last night we discussed things in a orderly manner. We agreed on most points what we would like to see in the parenting plan. 

Well the only sticky point is this:
My H will live in CT. His brother lives in upstate NY. We have agreed that the child would spend two weeks with him in the summer time in Ct. He wants me to drive with the child to his brother's place(5hr drive from Toronto for me about 4hrs drive for him from CT) to drop off the child. On top of this he would try to fly two weekends a month to Toronto to see the child. I am sorry it is not my responsibility to drive the child for him to spend 2 weeks with him. First of all we are talking a child that is now 18mts,long car ride. I don't even know what job I would have, what hours I would work not to mention that I am also entitled to some personal time of my own. 

I told him that he should have thought about this before his affair and before he asked for divorce. And then he says: Oh here we go again with that BS! Remember I did not choose to get divorced, nor I have a choice of living in either country at my will. He could have tried to look for work in Canada and then this would have not been an issue. But he wants to have a mistress, live in the US(to make more $$$ and pay less taxes) and wants me to deliver the child to him.

I told him: Ok if you don't agree then we will let the lawyers/courts sort it out. And he says: I am not going to pay $300 an hr for a parenting plan(but he would spend $$$$ on his w****.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Not,
I don't know what to say. Your wheels are spinning. Hopefully you had a better day today.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok so that I am not hijacking someone elses thread let me ask here on few suggestions on how I should behave and what I can do to work on myself.

I have worked on my physical appearance lately since I also lost lots of weight(my friend says if I am going to be divorced at least I will look good).

Since I am still in CT I have already looked up some ideas in Canada about taking a university degree. I only have an Associate degree and H knew that I wanted to take Bachelors Degree. In fact I was even considering doing it here in Ct since my other degree is also from an american college. Should I tell him what I plan to do once I am back in Canada? I think something like this would count on working on myself.

How do I behave at home in my situation where Plan A is a no and PLan B cannot be executed by the script due to some logistical reasons? And we are still in the process of divorce.

I am spending more time with the child normally now that the weather is nicer. We are always out in the park mostly as he loves being on the swings.

I am also going to the gym more often now to work out mostly my stress and to get some exercize due to pain in my leg(sciatica), so that cannot hurt I guess.
I have also read Dr. Harley's His Needs Her Needs so I think that gave me some insight that I may not hear from my husband at least not at this time. What other books of his would you suggest?

So Tanelornpete, Affaircare, Turnera and anyone else please shoot with suggestions. I am ready to listen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not quite sure why you are in CT?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Not quite sure why you are in CT?


what do you mean you are not sure why I am in CT? 

I am here because he would not agree to let me go to Canada until the divorce is settled. Remember I did offer a separation trial so I go to Canada with the child but he refused that. I cannot just pick up the child and leave the country without his consent. That would be kidnapping. I did go back on two occasions to Canada, first time to get away for few weeks after I confronted him and second time around to start making some living/working arrangements there.

Do I want to be here? Absolutely not under these circumstances.

What I want to know is specific tips on what I can do while I am here to work on myself whether he notices something or not. 

I know in one of the previous threads someone spoke on being the best wife you can even when it is difficult so he can see what he would be missing. Now I know that may be difficult under the circumstances since the OW is still in the picture but is it worthed trying or do I continue to be cold and business like to him?

I guess whatever happens working on myself can only be good not bad so this is why I need your ideas on things I can do to improve myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, I must have missed that part. The last thing I remembered was that you went back home.

Are you living in the same house? The papers are filed, right? So does your lawyer say you have a right to get him out of the house you're in? Sorry for not being up to speed.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Yes we are in the same house where he pays the rent(remember I don't work). Lawyer suggested not kicking anyone out of the house as courts look at that negatively. He is not mostly at home anyways. His mom is here this week so he tries to be home for dinner. I eat dinner with them too out of courtesy to my MIL. He did not do that when my mom was here. In fact he did not even say thank you to her for coming and watching our son. She was here to help with the child. Never got into any argument with him even though it was tempting.

As I said I stopped cooking, cleaning, doing laundry for him since basically I busted him and the OW at the restaurant march 23. Then I was on two occasions back to Canada(2-3 weeks in both April and May) so I was not really at home.

From one end I don't want to look like a doormat but I also want to improve myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, thanks. I would continue to let people know that you disapprove of his affair, i.e., keep it fresh in people's minds without being a nag about it. Also let them know that, since he refuses to quit or acknowledge it, you have no choice but to divorce him. Keep the onus on him, not you. With no emotion, just logic. You 'wish' you could stay married, but he has ruined that chance. Even to his family. Remind his friends.

I would definitely always look amazing, smell amazing, cook for YOU the things you know he likes (just enough for you, maybe leave him a scrap or two just for taste), all the stuff you know that meant something to him. This is a great opportunity to Plan A him and show him what he's losing.

I would carry that a step further and find some things to do outside the home aside from exercising, such as make or find friends so you have a reason to get a life; have him watch the kids so you can leave and do things. Let him wonder what it is you have to do that is giving you so much pleasure. Even if it's just going to the bookstore, let him wonder.

Kill him with kindness, if you can stand to. Shower his mom with love. Do everything you can to show him what he's losing. Definitely move forward to getting signed up for school and all that. Show him you're moving on...in Canada. Your case is so unusual, I'm not sure what the courts are going to do as far as whether you can go back there, with a kid involved, so I can't really say what to do about your future. But make the moves anyway.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So tonight my husband had a blow up. My lawyer did some screw up that pissed him off. Anyways I tried to difuse the situation as it was past 6pm and I can't contact the lawyer until tomorrow to straighten things out. Anyways I know that trying to work on our marriage would have certainly been cheaper but I did not say anything.

Anyways afterwards we sat down and sort of had a calm conversation about few other things. Among that I told him about my plans for going back to school and he thought it was a good idea as long as I can sort of work it out with work.

Then we spoke something about the move my son and I have to do and he even suggested that he helps me out through the settlement so I can maybe buy a place instead of rent it. Of course I can't even think of buying anything until I can get a real job at least not for another year. 

Why the f*** would he want to help me now?

Oh and he thinks once our son goes to kindergarten I can just go back to real estate, like this is a profession you can just pick up like that after being absent from it for 3 years and moving to a different place to do business.

Anyways it was a longer conversation then what we have had in the last year. Gee, if he only voiced his concers to me like this before he started his A I would not be on this forum.

Last night I spoke to my MIL who is visiting and she has as many whys as I do. She mentioned to me that he was really mad at me about telling their family in Europe and apparently the family there thought that it was bad that I told them about our private matters. This family knows me very well. They were at our wedding too and they are the closest my husband has in Europe. So that tells me that he has no clue how many people I have actually told about his A. Of course like I said in one of my earlier threads no one had the guts to say anything to him so far.

Anyways I just thought I vent some place as I have no one to talk to here that can understand me.

H overall looks very calm and almost non chalant about this divorce. He is definitely set on it. Can't wait for this nightmare to be over, I really can't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hugs to you.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Hugs to you.


Thank you, I only get those from my son these days. I wish the poor thing could talk to me too.

Any marriage counselling would have been cheaper and less stess than this divorce s*** with lawyers and letters and so on.

Why can't he get out of the damn fog?

Sometimes by his behaviour I can't tell if guilt gets him at some point and then he tries to act nice or I am maybe interpreting all this wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe that waywards still have their real person inside, it's just like they're too drugged to get free of the jerk. And every once in awhile, they get clarity. Like with Alzheimers, you know?

I also truly believe that most people feel HORRIBLE regret at going down that path, but once they have, they feel you'll never forgive them so they can't come home, kwim?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

On Sunday is Father's Day. Do I get him a card from our son and me or just from our son?

I was in Canada for Mother's day and he never got me anything nor he called. I only got a card from my son that my MIL got for me.

Should I be the better person and get him something but only sign it from our son?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would personally just ignore it. If you were divorced, it would not be your responsibility for him to receive a card. Let him feel a little bit of pinch.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Get a card. It is the honorable thing to do. Something cute. Maybe put your son's fingerprint on it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I'd get your Dad a a card. It's Father's Day, not husband's day. The baby is too young to even make that choice...I agree with Turnera - it is a good way to emphasize what he's losing...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You wrote: "Then we spoke something about the move my son and I have to do and he even suggested that he helps me out through the settlement so I can maybe buy a place instead of rent it. Of course I can't even think of buying anything until I can get a real job at least not for another year. 

Why the f*** would he want to help me now?"........

Why? Because he wants to look like the good guy in all of this. Instead of being the husband who cheated on his wife and toddler, left her for *****, allowed his family to mistreat you, left you in financial straights.....well now he is the husband who bought you a house, supported you on your wish to go back to school and he helped get all those things set up for you. THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM.
THAT is why he is doing this. 
As for a card, I wouldn't get him a damn thing. He chose to cheat on his family and no honorable father would do that. Period.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok no card for him 

He told me today that he wanted to spend time with our son either Sat or Sun and maybe take him to the beach.

I told him I don't have problem with that but I also reminded him that we should occassionally spend time together with the child for the sake of the child. After all this child won't have that many moments together with mom and dad in the future since we are going to live in two different countries. I am sure they mentioned that in his parenting class he took last weekend.

I can just imagine who else maybe coming to that trip to the beach. I know, I know I should stop thinking about her.

Oh MIL who is leaving tomorrow, got her son a Father's day card and I think she just bought a frame to put one of our sons photos in there that she took with her camera.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok maybe this is more of what Brennan said earlier. Not only is he home tonight but he offered to sleep in son's room . Baby is still teething so sleeping patterns are all over the map. He has been sleeping in the basement for the last 6 months and I have been struggling with the baby every single night. I have been living on 4 hrs of sleep on average. Right now unless I take a sleeping pill I can't sleep all night. But because I have to take care of the child I don't take that pill unless my mom is here with me.

I don't know how to interpret all this kindness on his behalf but I am still very reserved and basically mind my own business when he is at home. If he is in the living room watching TV I am upstairs reading. I don't know if I am sending love busters this way or not but he is so unpredictable.

In the meantime, I look amazing, smell good, got new hair cut today. I take care of the baby. His mom made him bunch of meals in the freezer and so did my mom when she was here. I only engage in conversation when it's baby related. He sometimes tries to be funny or tell me son did this or that..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You want him as your friend. You need to treat him like a friend. But not treat him like a lover. A friend! Ignoring him gets you no where.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I know what you are saying but the line of being friendly and being doormat can sometimes be very fine.

Could it be that the affair is over but he is pursuing divorce because of shame and guilt or some other reason? I don't know if there are situations like this. 

Last night I slept all night did not hear a thing. I guess son was up few times and H finally had to get up at 6am with son. Now H went to take a nap. Good, now he can see what I have been going through for the past 6 months.

I really don't know what to think anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Think positive. There is not a fine line with being a doormat and being friendly. I am not saying you should be "happy" talking to him. You don't have to take abuse. You just don't dish it. He is not likely to find you attractive if you ignore him. It is all about no negatives.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Tonight he is going to look after our son again. He just told me that. At the same time he will respond with his remarks on the parenting plan. Really strange behaviour. Oh and he bought some meet today so WE can have dinner/BBQ this week. What the heck is going on here? What plan is this? Plan Z?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Are you being friendly? Nothing more, nothing less? All this is good. You are questioning his behavior. Just don't question him. Thank him for his help. A friendly thank you. Listen. Don't talk about the relationship more then you have to.
What kind of things do you say to each other? Do you have small talk? Do you speak to your common interests? What would you talk about with a casual friend? Personal stuff would not be appropriate. But you need to talk. You can show gratitude. But do it simply. No complaining. When you talk do you look in each other's eyes? Be sure you do.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Sure we talk about daily stuff when he is at home. This am I sent him a msg to say thank you for taking care of son overnight for the past two nights and I really meant that. No reply yet and honestly I don't really expect it. In the meantime he is supposed to send me his comments regarding our parenting plan. So from one end he tries to be nice and still goes forward on the divorce on the other end. If I want to think positive maybe he has not been so foggy the last few days but on the opposite this could still be a mind game to make him look good tomorrow. Go figure!

Affaircare, I would really like to hear your opinion on this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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