# Stubborn yet vulnerable adult son



## 2010Walkaway (Aug 3, 2010)

Recently our son (early twenties) asked if he could come back home for a short period as the rent on his small flat was too much and having handed in his notice to the landlord he had so far been unable to find a suitable alternative. I immediately responded yes it was quite okay for him to return home.

But then we had a visit from his landlord who shock/horror informed us that our son has sublet HER property to a third party for a higher rent, purporting to be the owner of the property providing bogus documentation and pocketing the surplus rent. Naturally she is very cross about this but says she will refrain from contacting the police about the fraud so long as he hands over the full deposit and rental he has thus far collected from the subletting couple by a certain date. We are appalled, and have told him so in no uncertain terms but have also tried to convey that it is not the end of the world and that we hope he will learn from his mistake and that he is still welcome to stay with us for as long as needs be. 

Although the relationship with our son has GREATLY improved since he left home (difficult teenage years; lying, going AWOL for days, disrespecting basic house rules and more - eventually we insisted he leave home), I would have to say the relationship is somewhat superficial in that we know very little about his life, friends, employment etc. him being extremely secretive it’s like getting blood from a stone to really know him. 

Since discussing the subletting issue with him he has told me that he won’t be staying with us for long. This worries me as we believe he has nowhere else to go and I don’t want to see him out on the streets. My husband and I want to wipe the slate clean but we know he is stubborn and likes to be independent (it would have taken alot for him to ask us if he could come back temporarily and so we know that he must be pretty desperate.) His was staying with friends but this is no longer possible. 

My son feels bad and was very upset that we know about about the subletting and my main concern is that he will put himself on the streets rather than stay at home until something suitable comes up, and by putting himself in this difficult situation, we are extremely anxious that he may end up trying even more desperate measures in order to make some money. 
I have acknowledged to him that I may not have been the most approachable person in the past and said that it would help if we knew a little more about his circumstances in order that we can offer appropriate assistance when the need arises. Yet I still have a horrible feeling that he will up sticks and go and who knows where he might end up or when we might see him again. Unfortunately, he tends to learn things the hard way and is a complex character but at heart I believe he is a good person. 

My dilemma is getting him to stay put here at home long enough for him to get on his feet but I fear his pride will make him go before suitable alternative employment and accommodation become available. 

I would welcome any observations or advice on how to move on to a footing where we he is more open and comfortable enough with us to tell us even pretty basic stuff about what is going on in his life and rebuilding trust.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do. He's an adult, and can do as he wishes, and if he doesn't want to open up or stay in your home, there's not really anything you can do about it. 

I don't know what you mean by saying you haven't been the most approachable person in the past. But, I do know that, for me, when I feel my parents are getting overly involved in my life or being judgmental of my choices, I tend to back off and share considerably less with them. It's not so much an attempt to shut them out, but to protect myself because I am an adult and want to make my own choices, and that proves much harder to do if I'm secondguessing myself because they're telling me I'm wrong or whatever. So, you might want to look at whether that's a possibility. 

Otherwise, the best thing I can suggest is to tell him you love him and you want to help him, and ask him to please open up to you so you can help him. If he refuses, then just tell him you're there for him if he ever changes his mind and just hope he doesn't do too much damage to himself.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

atruckersgirl is right. As much as you are concerned for your son, he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions. Just make sure and let him know he is welcome and that if he moves out and it doesn't work out, that he can return at any time.

Stop trying to get him to open up to you as it will probably just clam him up more. Start doing activities with him though. He might just open up when he feels less threatened or put on the spot, and with younger adults/teens, doing something side by side is less personal and a more welcoming way to really talk about things. Go for a long drive somewhere together, not "to talk" - think of some other reason, or find something else to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your son is an adult. Whether he makes wise choices or poor ones is no longer your beer. No parent likes to see their kid on the street, but if your's ends up there, it's his choice. If he ends up in jail for fraud, again, it's his beer. He has options. He is apparently resourceful enough to think up a fraud. He can use that intelligence and drive to earn a decent (legal) living. I'm supposing that the military is still an option for him? A paycheck, clean, safe place to stay, training, education, etc? Sometimes the best way a parent can love a child is to let them feel the full weight of their stupid choices. As a parent, your job was to produce a reasonably intelligent and functional adult. Sometimes the "University of Life" offers the best possible education. The tuition is high but the lessons are seldom forgotten.


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## 2010Walkaway (Aug 3, 2010)

atruckersgirl and happy her - Yes you are right about him backing off even further if I try too hard to get him to open up and it's got me wondering if he might be willing to see an independent confidential mentor if we can find one. Not knowing his friends I have no idea who might be influencing him so if he won't talk to us perhaps a mentor might help.

Unbelievable - yeah, it often comes down to "tough love". Making him leave home was one of the most difficult things ever and maybe we still feel somewhat guilty about that but looking back it had to be done. It's likely my son doesn't look at this as being "tough love", more like "no love" from his point of view.

We did make a point of telling him we loved him yesterday after we discussed the visit from his landlord but I get the feeling that he doesn't really quite believe that we love him or maybe he feels somewhat unworthy. He got really upset/tearful. I guess that means we have to keep telling him he is loved and keep reassuring him that he is welcome back whenever the need arises. 

Presently, another dilemma is that we suspect he won't have quite all the money needed to pay the landlord and my husband feels we should make up the difference. My worry is that this might encourage him to expect us to dig him out of all his financial woes in the future. My son already owes me some money which he has never offered to pay back. He now has a baby with a long term (more recently, somewhat on/off) girlfriend and following the birth of this child 18 months ago I have mentally written off this debt coz being a student and a father he really doesn't have the spare cash to pay me back. Still, I would have really appreciated it if he had at least attempted to pay the money back little by little before baby arrived (whereupon I would have probably put it in a savings account for him to have at a later date) but he has never offerred anything.

So I have my doubts about whether or not we should bail him out financially with the landlord if it comes to that, but I know my husband is keen to put his hand in his pocket this one last time. Would it make any difference if instead of making it a loan we say we are giving it to him and then just wipe the slate clean/give him one more chance to start over sort of thing? 

He definitely is an intelligent person but I would say emotional intelligence/maturity is still an issue although he has moved forward somewhat.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would not bail him out again. If he'd learned from his mistakes the first time you bailed him out, he would have offered to pay you back. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. He decided to do something he couldn't legally do. His landlord is cutting him a major break already in offering to simply take his profits and let it go. If he can't come up with the cash, then he'll need to accept whatever consequences his landlord decides to dish out. 

I know, he's your son and you love him and want to help him, but he's old enough to have moved out and to have fathered a child. It's time that he accept full responsibility for his own life, whether he wants to or not, and regardless of what that means.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Teach him how to go talk to the landlord and offer to make payments until he has paid up. Show him how to write up a contract promising to pay it back. This way, you are helping him learn how to handle his own mistakes, empowering him, teaching him to do the right thing, and letting him feel good about himself. Also tell him that you want the world for him but that doesn't include making up for his own mistakes; therefore, he will have the same rules at your home as he would have anywhere, and you expect him to honor them. Follow up by telling him how excited you'll be to have him back at home!


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## 2010Walkaway (Aug 3, 2010)

My head is telling me that we should not bail him out no matter what my heart says. 

So when I next see him I will put it to him that he should think seriously about paying the landlord as much as he can straightaway and not wait for the deadline. Also to make arrangements to pay off any shortfall on a regular basis bit by bit as has been suggested. I think there is a good chance of the Landlord agreeing to this if she is approached sooner rather than later. 

Trouble is, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You also should not feed a man a fish, but rather TEACH him to fish. You can't always be there to feed him his fish.

And, once you have made the offer to help show him how to handle the situation, and if he refuses to follow your advice - you ARE his parent, after all, and the ones from whom he should be learning - then it is HIS problem.

Got it? You tell him that you are offering to help him solve his problem and that he can either take your advice, or he will be on his own - legal issues or otherwise.


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