# Question about a friend recieving inappropriate texts



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Ok, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably nothing, and it's certainly trivial ... but I feel I should ask as I'm inexperienced in this area, and I wonder what those who (sadly) are experienced would think.

On the weekend we had some friends round for dinner - we'd invited our married friends, his brother (single) and another single female friend (my wife likes to match-make, but that's another story.)

Anyway, our married friend couldn't come due to illnes, but his wife, and everyone else came.
During the evening she recieved a text which seemed to surprise her - it was from a man she used to know from her commute, and it was flirtatious and (I'm certain, from my reading on here) inappropriate. It wasn't the first one, I think.
She laughed it off, saying she never thought he'd fancied her (although she said her husband has told her that he thought he did.)
I did advise her to show the text to her husband.

Now, the question is, from my perspective, is there anything else I should do? Should I mention it to the husband? Should I ask the wife if she has told her husband?

From those on the other side of this sort of thing, what do you wish your friends had done?

I don't really suspect anything is actually going on (they seem generally happy, despite financials being tight) but then who ever does?

Awkward situation from my POV, but I would like to know what you would advise.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

He is your friend right? If you were him what would you like to see done?

Personally i would expect a friend to tell me just in case the wifey "forgot" to mention it to me. Plus, he is already suspicious and his wife's behaviour doesn't sound too kosher for me. She is getting a kick out of it, no matter her blabber about "she never thought he'd fancied her". That's BS... If this was just a commute acquaintance how did he got her phone number? Clearly she is trying to downplay it all in order to keep receiving these ego boosting messages (if hubby and friends know it then that makes it ok!). And possibly, if her husband slips on the ball she can nourish this into something else.

So, be a good buddy and just mention the incident without making it seem like a bombastic situation.

"Hey buddy, don't you hate it when you're talking to people and they just keep receiving and checking messages? Just like in the other day when your wife got that message from that guy, you know? Her commute buddy... Conversation changed course due to it... It annoys me!!! People can't keep focused these days!!"

And then you put that poker face


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

costa200 said:


> He is your friend right? If you were him what would you like to see done?


Honestly? I'd like my wife to have told me herself.

If she had, and someone else mentioned it, I'd possibly feel a bit imposed upon (rationally or not.)
Of course if I hadn't been told by my wife, then I'm not sure how I'd feel or what I'd do ...

Hence my problem!

Thanks for the good advice, btw.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> If she had, and someone else mentioned it, I'd possibly feel a bit imposed upon (rationally or not.)


Maybe, that's why if you do it you should do it in a way that allows you some escape route. Just leave it out there for him and he picks it if he wants to. He may be embarrassed, so you can change the topic in a light way so that he isn't left thinking that you are pressing the issue.

If the wife didn't tell him he will probably question you like the gestapo though...


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

It's probably nothing, but still mention it. Don't make a big deal of it but bring it up. If she was so blasé about showing you, his friend what this flirtatious text was, then I doubt she will hide it from him anyway.

Next time you see him, talk about the evening, your wife's match making skills, and what a nightmare it is ha ha, did that fella text your Mrs again, seemed like a right prick. Take it from there. Mention it in passing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why don't you pull her aside and tell her about your concerns? Advise her to tell her husband about this. You could say "The text you recieved was inappropriate, you really should tell Joe because as you know, these supposed harmless flirtations can quickly lead to something else, whether intended or not. I'm sure you mean your marriage no harm".

This way, she has the chance to address the sitution with her husband on her own, without you having to insert yourself into the situation. Then, if she doesn't do it, you can decide if you need to get involved or not.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Well, I went with a mix of the suggestions - I asked the wife in a light-hearted way if she'd talked to her husband (keeping it light, talking to the wife first - both good calls.)

Yes, she had. I was very relieved.

She's had further texts from him, asking if they can meet (casually - ha!) Her husband knows about that too, and I feel no qualms about leaving them to it. She hasn't replied.

So, thanks everyone. Still hard to see how a woman can not think in that sort of situation that it's obvious he's trying to get into her knickers .... seems clear to me!

Thanks guys (and gals)


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> So, thanks everyone. Still hard to see how a woman can not think in that sort of situation that it's obvious he's trying to get into her knickers .... seems clear to me!


Don't be naive mate, she knows, and she enjoys it.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I try to live by treating people the way I want to be treated. This rule especially applies to my loved ones and my friends.

Of course you tell your friend. I wonder why you think you shouldn't.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Practice the Golden Rule. Do you want to know if your wife has been receiving inappropriate texts?

Dont expect your friend's wife to tell you the truth about telling her husband. She's enjoying the attention. If she didn't she would had shut it down quick. 

You may want to at some time in the future, during a casual chat with her husband, casually slip in this incident and your concern.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Suggest that she and her husband deal with this together. Maybe have H text the wannabe OM?

And block his number.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Well, I'm sure she found the attention flattering. (My comment about not understanding how a woman couldn't see that sort of communication for what it was wasn't entirely with reference to this situation - apparently some women really don't get that men paying them attention is an attempt to become sexually involved with them.)

Anyway, as part of the conversation about it, we pulled her husband into the conversation, so I'm confident that he does know all about it - she was quite open talking about in it front of him.
He's possibly more naive about this than I am (having read stuff on here, you lose your naivite fairly quickly ... ) but knowing about it takes a lot of the illicit excitement possibilities away, I hope.
I don't think she'd ever knowingly endanger her marriage, but I'm glad it's out there and not hidden away.

I have to say though, it is a surprise when you see how brazen some males are about this sort of thing. (Maybe some women too, I guess?) Until you actually see it in action, it doesn't seem real.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Rags said:


> I have to say though, it is a surprise when you see how brazen some males are about this sort of thing. (Maybe some women too, I guess?) Until you actually see it in action, it doesn't seem real.


I consider that it is better to be adventurous than cautious, because fortune is a woman...and it is seen that she allows herself to be mastered by the adventurous rather than by those who go to work more coldly. She is, therefore, always, woman-like, a lover of young men, because they are less cautious, more violent, and with more audacity command her."

- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

Roissy's XIII Commandment: Err on the side of boldness.


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