# should 9 yr old know the truth about his father?



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

So we're coming up on the two year anniversary of his fathers death. Sadly he committed suicide. Wife thinks its time that we told her son the truth. Thoughts? Opinions?
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## bellawhite (Jan 22, 2013)

Wow, no! Definetly not! Wayy too young! I wouldn't want to know!
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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

My instinct would be to leave it until the child is older but I would add the proviso that when he does hear it he should hear it from his mother in a controlled way do not let him find out from a neighbor / school friend etc.

I had a school friend who found out he was adopted by accident and it took years for the relationship with his parents to heal.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

I think he should never know. That would only be hurtful, and make him blame himself somehow, or feel rejected.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Wife is concerned that A) someone else will tell him or B) He'll figure it out for himself. All he really knows is that "Daddy was very sick." 

She's also hoping for some type of mother-son revelation where sharing such a secret makes them closer. I'm not sure either of them is wired that way.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Personally I think he's way to young (my father committed suicide).
I can understand if there is a threat he will find out from someone else, but at that age and the effect suicide has I would do anything rather than tell him now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you should consult a family psychiatrist/therapist first before saying anything


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I think you should consult a family psychiatrist/therapist first before saying anything


I agree.

Talking to someone first will not only give you a better idea of when to tell him but also how to tell him.They'll give you healthy suggestions on how to answer the questions he will have as well.
They may even recommend bringing him in for a few sessions so they can gauge his maturity level,intelligence,and his ability to process his emotions before they give you a timeline for telling him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Third vote here for talking to a psychiatrist or therapist about it first. Tell him/her your concerns, ask for their recommendations, and follow through as they suggest.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Wife is concerned that A) someone else will tell him or B) He'll figure it out for himself. All he really knows is that "Daddy was very sick."
> 
> She's also hoping for some type of mother-son revelation where sharing such a secret makes them closer. I'm not sure either of them is wired that way.





Almostrecovered said:


> I think you should consult a family psychiatrist/therapist first before saying anything


AR is correct. A psychiatrist could help you understand if it's a good idea and if not then how long to wait and how to approach it as well.

I understand what everyone's saying but your wife has a very valid point. It's really important that you guys control how he finds out and that he's not blind sided when he's older. To be quite honest, I think the psychiatrist will say to tell him now but to do it thoughtful. It's a pay me now or pay me later thing because he has to know at some point and usually finding these things out later in life are harder on people.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'd go the therapist route, pronto. Since the child is already 9, I could not possibly see the benefit in waiting any longer for that to happen.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Such a sad situation, but be sure he WILL find out one day and best for him to hear it from his loving family.
Definitely seek family counciing guidance about the situation.

My daughters friends dad killed himself when she was 5. Everyone in the village know about it and my daughter has asked me on more than one occasion what happened to her friends dad. Parents gossip, children talk. Don't let him hear it from someone else. And to be honest, I don't think 9 is too young if its dealt with properly. It'll be too much of a shock for him when he's in his teens and could cause more damage.
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## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

I say he should be told. My dad killed himself on my 6 th birthday and I heard the shot and saw all the cops and ems. 

My mother did an incredibly good job talking to me about it. I did end up in therapy to help me through everything. While I did not and still don't know why he did that, I appreciate how my mom handled everything. 

My sister was 2 and my mom decided to not tell her until she was older. She knew something happened and still resents how my mom handled it 32 years later. She was just told there was an accident but kind of knew that was not true from listening to people talk.

Last year a very close friend overdosed to kill himself and left his recently divorced wife and two sons. I have had a few talks with the 8 yr old about losing a father and he does not understand everything but understands that his dad was sick and even though he took a cowards way out it had nothing the son did. His mother has been very appreciative of my talks with him. She has also told the 4 yr old that his dad took bad medicine that killed him. And while the topic may be over his head, he knows the truth and is not conflicted when he hears others talking about it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Purple Cat said:


> I say he should be told. My dad killed himself on my 6 th birthday and I heard the shot and saw all the cops and ems.
> 
> My mother did an incredibly good job talking to me about it. I did end up in therapy to help me through everything. While I did not and still don't know why he did that, I appreciate how my mom handled everything.
> 
> ...


Thanks for posting Purple Cat (even though this isn't my thread). I think we are more resilient and able to move on as children than we are when grown. Even things like divorcing parents or realization of adoption you'll see grown kids flip out and be bitter for years where younger kids seem to accept it and move on. I think it's the concept of having core beliefs challenged about how things are or were that's so difficult.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> Thanks for posting Purple Cat (even though this isn't my thread). I think we are more resilient and able to move on as children than we are when grown. Even things like divorcing parents or realization of adoption you'll see grown kids flip out and be bitter for years where younger kids seem to accept it and move on. I think it's the concept of having core beliefs challenged about how things are or were that's so difficult.


I have never been a big believer in this idea that 'kids are resilient'. Just because they survive and are unaware of the damage that is done to them until later doesn't mean that the damage is any less. 

OP, I would strongly suggest that you wait. A nine year-old is not emotionally equipped to deal with this kind of thing. I would say the early teens would be the best time to talk about it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

18+ at least in my opinion


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## x-ray (Jun 12, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> Wife is concerned that A) someone else will tell him or B) He'll figure it out for himself. All he really knows is that "Daddy was very sick."
> 
> *She's also hoping for some type of mother-son revelation where sharing such a secret makes them closer.* I'm not sure either of them is wired that way.


I would strongly recommend the therapist route. Otherwise this could turn into a type of "_parentification_" situation, with her making him a sort of confidant.

Ultimately, that could be a double whammy.


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