# People Want to Avoid Adknowledging Infidelity



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

The community I live in has a fairly active, forum where people talk about an assortment of local issues.

I thought to myself, you know people don't normally consider preventing infidelity until it's too late, I'll toss a post up suggesting people should share Facebook, emails, and review each others phone logs. Otherwise people won't think about this stuff until they are knee deep in it.

Based on the response you would think I was advocating babies live! 

Half the women think I'm airing my dirty laundry, and trying to shame my wife: my wife saw me write the post, and it is so vague and anonymous they can probably narrow us down to 1 in 1,000,000. Once you go through the pain of infidelity, I'm not exactly sure how embarrassment is that much of a specter. 

A lot of the women think you should just trust, and be attentive! That's great except it was exactly what I was doing when my wife was initiating her EA. My trust actually worked against me because it simply never entered into my consciousness that this lovely kind woman could be betraying me like this, until her behavior shifted and she wasn't lovely or kind.

Supposedly no good deed goes unpunished and I am catching some heck there, but maybe I will get lucky and wake up at least one person


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Is Monogamy a Myth?
by Peggy Vaughan

MYTH: Society as a whole "supports" monogamy.

While we as a society give "lip service" to monogamy, we contribute to some significant societal factors that actually support and encourage affairs, including: the overall fascination with affairs, the glorification of affairs in movies, TV, etc., our sex-saturated culture that uses sex to sell almost everything, and the 'training' in deception we get as teengers due to the lack of honest discussions of sex between parents and their children. This is not to say that all the blame should be placed on society. That would be just as shortsighted as blaming only the particular people involved. But if we're to understand and more effectively deal with this issue, it's essential that we look at the social context within which affairs take place.


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## hopeful 1905 (Apr 7, 2013)

My husband and I used to have no restriction until this OW now he has a passcode on new passwords on everything I'm on my last rope to keep up with his cheating lying behavior I've tried so many things sorry I give up there is no way of stopping someone from cheating the only way you can stop a cheater is leave them and start a new live


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I can see why there is going to be so much infidelity in marriages based on the responses to the thread I posted. I advocated setting clear boundaries, maintaining them, realizing the old ideas if privacy do not work in the modern world, and exchanging and sharing all passwords for online accounts and phone etc.

1. I've been told I'm a horrible person for briefly referencing my wife's infidelity, and embarrassing my wife - while being so vague all you would know is that I'm a man and she's a woman (I had my wife read the post over my shoulder)

2. Been told you just have to be attentive and treat your partner with respect (My wife said wow you were really doing that when I was starting the affair I just couldn't see it).

3. Been told that I have trust issues, and that you must just trust your partner.

As best as I can see most people are playing some sort of pinata games with their marriages, blindfolds on and flail at stuff in hopes of candy.

I believe if you don't take extraordinary measures, and maintain boundaries you are setting yourself up for failure.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

There are a ton of ignorant people out there. Seriously, I was like this before it happened to me. I think most people have no clue what they are taliking about until it happens to them.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

carolinadreams said:


> I can see why there is going to be so much infidelity in marriages based on the responses to the thread I posted. I advocated setting clear boundaries, maintaining them, realizing the old ideas if privacy do not work in the modern world, and exchanging and sharing all passwords for online accounts and phone etc.
> 
> 1. I've been told I'm a horrible person for briefly referencing my wife's infidelity, and embarrassing my wife - while being so vague all you would know is that I'm a man and she's a woman (I had my wife read the post over my shoulder)
> 
> ...




Keep in mind, there is a very good chance that you were receiving responses from people who are actively cheating on their spouse and they simply used your thread to support their foggy vision of the world.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

All the current research supports full transparency for protecting the marriage. Perhaps if you followed up your post with clear citations to references including the studies you would draw out the opinions from the more studied responses


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

I was another W that was all too trusting. Always figured if H was going to cheat, well he was going to cheat and cheat he did. Until his A started, I always had all his passwords, actually I always created his passwords, we had full transparency, but he still cheated. 

All of my girlfriends have always been the suspicious types, checking up on their Hs and constantly thinking about infidelity. I never did and somehow I ended up with the philandering H. Guess I should never have trusted and probably will never trust anyone again now.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

This is not all that surprising to me. In the days after DDay, I went out to lumch with a couple of my closer male friends, and told them what was going on. Talked about it at length, about the status of our relationship leading up to her affair. About her foggy thinking, all the things that she was struggling with that helped pave the way for bad decision making. I talked about the importance of not being complacent in your relationship, trusting your gut, the difference between privacy and secrecy. Even shared some of the books that I had been reading. Urged them to be more proactive in their marriages. Address problems head on, push to constantly enhance the relationship and ensure you are delivering on needs for eachother. 

They were shocked. Couldn't fathom my wife would behave that way. That our marriage would be dealing with this type of destruction. That she could treat me or our children that way, be so selfish etc. One of my friends literally said, "I just keep thinking if it could happen to you, in your marriage, with your wife, it feels like it could happen anywhere."

They were very supportive in the weeks and months after. But about a year after all of this, I asked them if they had read any of the books, had conversations with their wives, changed their approach in their marriages etc. Nope. Not a thing had changed. Didn't read a page. When I said I was kind of surprised, and asked what the hesitation was, one of my more honest friends said something like "to spend that time doing those things would almost feel like I am admitting that I/we have a problem. That my wife is capable of that. And I am afraid I would find that troubling to think about."

To sum it up - ignorance is bliss, until it isn't. 

Just like most of us here, people are certain of their partner's loyalty and commitment until they are slapped in the face with a different truth.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've seen on other message boards that "trust" is a big deal and that if you ever feel the desire / need to check your partner's phone / fb account / e-mail / whatever, then you need to end the relationship.

Yes, I agree, it's very simplistic.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> This is not all that surprising to me. In the days after DDay, I went out to lumch with a couple of my closer male friends, and told them what was going on. Talked about it at length, about the status of our relationship leading up to her affair. About her foggy thinking, all the things that she was struggling with that helped pave the way for bad decision making. I talked about the importance of not being complacent in your relationship, trusting your gut, the difference between privacy and secrecy. Even shared some of the books that I had been reading. Urged them to be more proactive in their marriages. Address problems head on, push to constantly enhance the relationship and ensure you are delivering on needs for eachother.
> 
> They were shocked. Couldn't fathom my wife would behave that way. That our marriage would be dealing with this type of destruction. That she could treat me or our children that way, be so selfish etc. One of my friends literally said, "I just keep thinking if it could happen to you, in your marriage, with your wife, it feels like it could happen anywhere."
> 
> ...


Never Happen 2 Me, I think deep down most people believe that infidelity would never happen to them. It only happens to OTHER people. Other people who aren't doing things right in their marriages.

I actually had a lady ask me what I did wrong when she found out about my wife's affair. :scratchhead:

Go figure.


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