# not your fault!



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I'm in counseling with my husband, who cheated on me. It has taken me a while to get to a point where I can be somewhat objective ( only somewhat, mind you), and one thing that our counselor has told me is that yes, there were problems in our marriage. Yes, I am 50% responsible for those problems, and yes, I need to do my part to work on them and make changes. But she also said that he is 100% responsible for the choice he made to cheat on me, and for the actions that he took. Only we are responsible for what we do in life, and I can not blame myslef for his cheating. yes, I can find blame in myself for our marriage getting bad, but not his actions.

One thing that I am still having trouble with is that I really hate that "other woman" ( I know I should use "OW" for that, but, being a military spouse, I am so sick of acronyms that it isn't funny!). I know that it won't be popular, but I really do feel that she does need to accept some responsibility for the choice that she made to start seeing a married man with three kids- after all, she's not some kid who doesn't know any better- she's done this kind of thing before, and will probably do it again. i actually wrote her an e-mail explaining to her what she had done to out family, and she wrote back saying that it wasn't her fault, and that she'd done nothing wrong. that made me even more angry, and I wrote her a very firm ( not rude, firm) letter back telling her that she needed to grow up and take some responsibility for the choices she makes in life, and that she needs to take a good hard look at her actions and see where responsibility lies. I told her that even though I don't like her, she does deserve some happiness in life, and that sleeping with married guys isn't the way to get it. She needs to find a guy of her own who'll love just her. the twit wrote me back and told me that I was great person, and that she wanted to be my friend! Friend? On what bloody planet would that make any sense?
The weird thing is that I have talked to friends who have been through similar situations, and the same thing happened to them ( one even got 5 dozen roses from the "other woman" with a card saying she was sorry and wanted to be friends. 
How weird is that?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I feel your pain and your anger. These women usually do not care what destruction they have caused in getting involved with a married man. I, personally, wanted to claw my husband's other woman's eyes out, or worse. I am still angry, but not as much as I was at first. It has been a little over a year since I found out and it still bothers me on a daily basis. I know that I need to move forward, as it is only destroying me in the process, but I feel stuck. I am hoping to find some kind of peace, but it is a struggle.

(((HUGS))) and best wishes to you!

FZ1


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

There is a lack of empathy and narcissism in all other women. Otherwise, they would not do what they do. It is all about them. I actually considered my husband's mistress safe because her husband had cheated on her and left her for this woman. I mean, she went through it she knows the pain? But that was it, she felt entitled to spread the pain and use my pain to ease her own. She was a twisted sick woman one lightswitch click away from boiling a pet bunny. I never contacted her and I'm not sure if I ever will. I would like to lecture her on morals and ethics but why? She just wouldn't get it.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

( the following comment is made half in seriousness, half in jest)

I get very dismayed by the lack of responsibility for one's own actions and choices that I see so much in the world. My example would be in the actions/choices that the woman my husband was seeing. She knew me ( albeit not very well), told me that I was a great person, knew that we had three kids ( two of whom are "special needs kids", and that my husband was feeling very overwhelmed by the whole situation, as was I. None of this mattered to her- she didn't care that their relationship could end in disaster for my family( my husband, and her as well, could have been charged, demoted, fined or even sent to prison for their relationship- they are both in the military, and the military doesn't look too kindly on this sort of thing)> she didn't care, when she knew that we were having troubles in our marriage that we could probably have worked out with a lot less pain and heartache, when she invited him to sleep over on her couch when we were fighting. All she cared about was herself and what she wanted. Even when she saw the pain is was causing my children, the only truly "innocent" ones in the whole thing, she didn't care. None of it mattered.
Mind you, this does not absolve my husband of his responsibility- it is shared 50/50.

( that part was serious, the next part is in jest)
If this were any other situation where a person was made to suffer mental anguish and distress, they could seek legal remedy through a civil action (i.e.- sue!) I wonder what would happen if "the other woman/man" in this type of situation, who knew a person was married but started seeing them anyway, was sued for damages? Would this finaly send a message about responsibility and that it's not okay to knowingly hurt someone else?

What do you think?


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

if you can't already tell from reading my posts on this topic, I am at the point where I am starting to get angry, very angry. My counselor told me this could happen, and that it's all part of the process of getting past the affair- at first, I thought that it was somehow "wrong' to be angry at the "other woman", as she didn't owe me any kind of loyalty, etc.- my husband did. But I have been told that it is okay for me to be angry with her- and that letting that anger out in a way that won't hurt anyone else is all part of healing. That's why I am posting here- it's okay to be angry at the "other person", it's okay even to hate them ( but that's not really constructive, and I have a feeling it will fade over time) . But it seems as if some people are loathe to admit that they feel this anger and hate- but isn't admitting that these feelings are there all part of dealing with them so that they can start to dissipate?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Frozensprouts, I feel exactly like you do. I am a gentle person, I do not condone physical violence for any reason, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if she came knocking on my door. I have seen her out in public a couple times and aside from a dirty look I didn't even say anything. I can tell you in our case she feels no remorse. This woman even began to treat my daughter poorly because my daughter sensed something was wrong (mind you she used to babysit her and my daughter looked up to her). So my daughter began to pull away and then the OW would snipe at her (she's a neighbor, my H thought he'd more easily get away with the affair if she was around in plain view of me, duh! I'm not stupid just trusting)...

My H and she made fools out of me, my children, and her own family (our families were friends, she's single and much younger - a whopping 18 at the time of the affair! and her PARENTS were our friends. They had us in their mountain cabin as their guests while this A was going on..boy we were all fools huh? 

Now what has become of this little twit? She got her way, destroyed another marriage. She took up with a woman...see she's not picky...and broke up that marriage. The OW's girlfriend left her husband for her..and 3 kids. Their divorce will be final next month. 

I want to tell her "get your own life" why does she have to steal someone else's? no remorse is not in her blood.

Now for the really twisted part...the OW's girlfriend (one who divorced her husband) is the mother of one of my daughter's friends. She just called her up and asked if my daughter could go with them somewhere... uh NO! What the heck planet do these crazy people live on??? 

Back to your original point, for me I deflected my extreme anger on to the OW it helped me to heal and not be so angry with my H. Oh, he got his share but much of it I have been able to channel to her. I think its natural to want to blame someone. And you are 100% right, its not your fault its HIS for having the affair. No one in this situation should ever think they did something to drive the other person to an affair..


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

frozensprouts said:


> I'm in counseling with my husband, who cheated on me. It has taken me a while to get to a point where I can be somewhat objective ( only somewhat, mind you), and one thing that our counselor has told me is that yes, there were problems in our marriage. Yes, I am 50% responsible for those problems, and yes, I need to do my part to work on them and make changes. But she also said that he is 100% responsible for the choice he made to cheat on me, and for the actions that he took. Only we are responsible for what we do in life, and I can not blame myslef for his cheating. yes, I can find blame in myself for our marriage getting bad, but not his actions.
> 
> One thing that I am still having trouble with is that I really hate that "other woman" ( I know I should use "OW" for that, but, being a military spouse, I am so sick of acronyms that it isn't funny!). I know that it won't be popular, but I really do feel that she does need to accept some responsibility for the choice that she made to start seeing a married man with three kids- after all, she's not some kid who doesn't know any better- she's done this kind of thing before, and will probably do it again. i actually wrote her an e-mail explaining to her what she had done to out family, and she wrote back saying that it wasn't her fault, and that she'd done nothing wrong. that made me even more angry, and I wrote her a very firm ( not rude, firm) letter back telling her that she needed to grow up and take some responsibility for the choices she makes in life, and that she needs to take a good hard look at her actions and see where responsibility lies. I told her that even though I don't like her, she does deserve some happiness in life, and that sleeping with married guys isn't the way to get it. She needs to find a guy of her own who'll love just her. the twit wrote me back and told me that I was great person, and that she wanted to be my friend! Friend? On what bloody planet would that make any sense?
> The weird thing is that I have talked to friends who have been through similar situations, and the same thing happened to them ( one even got 5 dozen roses from the "other woman" with a card saying she was sorry and wanted to be friends.
> How weird is that?


I just want to hug you! I SO feel your pain...while I was reading this thread I felt all those old emotions come boiling to the surface. I am so sorry for what they've put you through. 

I really think that women who sleep with married men are different from you & I (and most women) in some fundamental way.. their brains simply aren't wired the same. They should have that proverbial letter "A" tattooed on their foreheads. The complete lack of EMPATHY they demonstrate is astounding. 

I, like you, wrote to the OW. I thought for sure if I could calmly and articulately explain to her the ways that she & my husband had destroyed me and hurt my children... if I could just help her to see, then surely a light bulb would go on over her head and she'd smack her forehead and come crawling on her knees to beg my forgiveness. Or something like that. But my letter was met with anger and threats of violence if I ever contacted her again. She, too, was married, and in her mind I was trying to destroy her marriage by sending letters that her husband might intercept. 

So she's 18, huh? OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER. I understand your anger and frustration all too well... but I'm afraid you'll probably never get the satisfaction of knowing that she "gets it". Hell yeah, she should accept some responsibility, and if she won't do that then you oughta be allowed to deck her. I'm being completely serious, I would totally vote for a law that allowed the wife to slug the OW as punishment (after the OW was brought up on charges of being a Shameless Ho (Misdemeanor, 3rd Degree), of course). Ahhhh the satisfaction.... but what my therapist told me is that, while my fantasies of slugging the OW were normal, none of that would really make me feel better. I'm not convinced, but that's what the pro said.

I think I went off on a bit of a tangent there... it's been nearly 4 years for me and all the feelings are still right there, just below the surface... I'm not crying, though, and a few years ago I would have been, so that's progress..

Hang in there.. you're not alone, not by a long shot. And maybe some day women like your neighborhood twit will be held accountable.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

I don't think you ever truly heal from an affair. My husband had an affair 10 years ago (he says it was only emotional, but the OW says a lot more). I still think about it. It was with a friend of ours whom he and she had a common bond with an issue that happened in each of their childhoods. The thing is, that this OW had affairs on her husband (yes she was married with 2 kids) all the time. They are now separated or divorced from what I hear. My husband still thought she was a "nice" person. Kills me. I confronted her and she said all these nasty things in front of me and her husband. (we were both there) and she said that my husband and I were going to get divorced anyways (which was news to me), so it didn't matter if she was having relations with my husband. Even though she was married at the time, she didn't think anything of her actions. Like you said, there are some people out their that are wired differently than others. No morals. 
But, in time, the affair does fade. You do think about it from time to time. But, things do get better. I think people forget that marriage is like a job. You really need to work at it every day and make it better. Don't take it for granted.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

As a man I come at this slightly different from you, any man who knows my wife is married and tries to get involved with her anyways has no honor and would get sucker-punched from me if I EVER saw him. Luckily the other man is in Tennessee and we live in Michigan, butI have told my wife to do her best to never let me see him in person again if she doesn't want to bail me out of jail. Men who play with fire by persueing another mans wife dont get to expect any civility from that man ever again. I can feel the adrenaline seep into my arms just writing about it. I would totally go WWE on him. Just wanted to let ya know I feel you too.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

My ex left me for a co-worker and an EA. Never did take any responsibility for the hurt and pain he caused me. I would still hit the gas if I ever saw that cow crossing the street, and it's been a year since this happened. A LOT of anger and resentment for what they both did to me. I would love to kick her a$$ if I could get away with it. I still think what the hell kind of morals or values does a skank like this have? Getting involved with a married man? Well the answer is none. She like the ex only give a damn about themselves. That relationship should work out well. HA HA As hard as it is to blame her, I took vows with HIM!!! But, we are divorcing and now it's over. Nuff said.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Talk about morals...let me give you this one..that little F#$%&^* twit started trying to win over my 4 year old. Her My Space pages were loaded with pics of her holding my little boy's hand. One picture was of her holding my boy's hand on OUR porch. It was on her My Space page and she said "I just love this little boy". My H wasn't on My Space and I do believe him when he said he had no idea and he didn't take the pic (duh! why would he want those pics that I could see). You could see it was taken with her cell phone. 

I started getting vibes but kept thinking .... no! HE would never do that. She then started trying to mother MY kids! My 10 year old lashed out at her and told me "I don't like her around anymore" and the OW had been around my daughter her entire life playing with her and sitting for her...the OW would walk in my house and tell my kids to go to bed when we were outside talking/hanging with neighbors. I do remember one incident my H seemed to get angry and snapped at her that he'd handle it..

My H thought by hanging out with her in the open and me being with them as well I'd never catch on (he must have thought I was stupid??) but when he wasn't right there she'd say little subtle things. A shooting star and she looked right at me and said "I don't need to make a wish...I nearly have everything I want"...(found out later H had been looking at another place to live at that time)..

When the A ended, I pointed out to him how she didn't want just my husband but my kids too..he felt like a first class A$$ for missing that but when you add it all up that's what she was doing. I had to say something to my kids because I started wondering what she would do after my H rejected her. So I told the kids "She is no longer one of our friends. Your Dad and I have asked her to please stay away from our house and you guys" I refused to answer why though my 10 year old didn't ask..my 4 year old son went right up to her one day (before she moved) and these were his words he said "stop hurting my family!".. just because they are 4 doesn't mean they don't understand...

I did get another friend who had her MySpace password to go in and delete all photos. She also had several of my H in which you could tell he was not aware his photo was being taken. In one he was in her house for a Superbowl party which he "forgot" to tell me he went to and I was out of town. I think she was doing it on purpose to taunt me..

No morals..Gomez, its not just men...I feel I should have the right to walk up to her and deck her! Lorithehun, you're right it should be legal! If I ever do, I hope you two are on the jury!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

WOW, you top me!! So sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately plenty of self centered jacka$$es out there. I wish to live my life with as few regrets as possible. Do onto others.. you know how that goes. At times I must say doing the right thing is HARD and you have to grit your teeth and bare it but I figure in the end I can put head to pillow and sleep well at night.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Living well is the best revenge. 

I have tried to be nice and help people out and gotten screwed many times, but the people who did that to me are much worse off now than I am. I started from nothing may times but now I have my own house and happy family and a fun job, and I stopped trying to save everyone. Now I just protect my family, and we are all very happy.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

First, I am a bit sad to read this and hear that it has been years since the affair for some of you and you have not gotten over it. Mine was only since July and I am still hurting, I hoped it would go away faster than what you guys are saying. Our relationship seems real close right now but I get ugly images that hurt so bad. God I hope I don’t go through this for years!

Secondly, I know violence is bad but being a man I called the guy out (he was a close friend of mine, by the way) I taunted him all I could but he would not meet me to “settle this”. I did get some satisfaction of him backing down but would have preferred a beat down. I believe you ladies get angry too but I know the testosterone running in my body makes me ready to get violent on this. Based on past experience, I do believe this helps me a bit but it would really suck if I actually fought the guy and got beat myself! (small chance but you never know) Talk about humiliation, the guys screws your wife and beats you up! Ha ha

Anyway, reading all the posts it is sad that so many of us have felt this pain and at some level continue to feel it. Anyone out there really get over this? If so, let me know!


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Looking back at what happened, the whole thing seems somehow very surreal. While they were "seeing" each other ( and I use the term "seeing" as a euphemism) I took my kids out for a walk one evening ( he was spending most of his nights at her house, after promising me he wouldn't see her anymore) , and we walked by her house. i didn't know that is where she lived, and lo and behold, there they were, out talking in her driveway. My kids saw him, and went running up to him crying "daddy!" . It was horrible! But she saw that, she saw what she was doing to my kids, and she didn't care. Two of my kids are autistic ( the oldest has aspergers, and the youngest is autistic, and my oldest also has fibromyalgia- she's eleven) so they didn't really understand what was going on, but my middle girl did, and she cried herself to sleep every night. I remember sitting out on my front porch with my son, who is six, at four in the morning because we couldn't sleep, and him asking where daddy was. it was horrible! Then he'd come home for a little while, eat supper with us, and tell me about how she and he went out to restaurants together while I stayed at home with the kids. then he'd go down to the basement and chat with her online and ignore the kids. It was really weird, as he is usually a great dad- and ignoring his kids like that was not who he is at all. It turned out that she'd start trying to make him feel guilty for spending time with his kids ( or with me) , and she was even trying to convince him to change his pay account so that his pay would be put into a joint account that she and he would share so she could control his money. Weird eh? She'd take money away from his kids like that, but he still thought she was a nice person ( I think part of him still does).
Through all of this though, there were some good friends who did their best to cheer me up- one of my friends joked with me that because she was also in the military and had just completed a special course on hand to hand combat, that she'd be happy to go over and teach her a lesson or two ( she was just joking- I think). it's strange how situations like this really let you see who your friends are. Maybe a good idea for me would be to take a good look at what happened, and try and take the good things ( there were a few) and lessons learned from it, and move on.
All this only happened to me this past summer ( July and the first part of August) so it's still pretty raw for me. But I expect that time will make a difference in how angry I feel.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

chuckf75 said:


> Mine was only since July and I am still hurting, I hoped it would go away faster than what you guys are saying. Our relationship seems real close right now but I get ugly images that hurt so bad. God I hope I don’t go through this for years!


I've heard that an affair can strengthen your marriage.. 
*eye roll*
I guess the logic behind that is that all the counseling that you have to go through makes you learn more about each other and discover the things that led up to the affair.

About the images... Chuckf75, despite my therapist warning me that it was a TERRIBLE idea, I felt like I HAD to know the details.. I couldn't stop picturing the two of them 'doing it'...
It does get easier, and the images do stop tormenting you. I, like you, was amazed at how long the anger/hurt/feeling like a chump, stayed with me. I had always thought I was a reasonable kinda chick, that I was quick to forgive, but I just couldn't seem to get over it. Still haven't completely, but I am 95% better. I am _different_ now, and I will never view my husband the same way, but I am better. 

I'm glad you got to blow off a little steam at the other man. Boy, do the deserve much more than they get. They get to slink off, back to their worlds, while we get to spend the next few years of our lives cleaning up their wreckage. I _*really*_ hope there's something to that Karma theory 

(((Hugs)))


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

AH Karma- the bad stuff you do will come back to bite you in the butt. I love that idea!

I'm glad to see that I am not the only person who will admit that they are really, really angry. I know that it is not wrong to be angry, but I don't like being this way, as it's not who I am. I don't like hating that other woman, but, right now, it's very hard not to. I never really hated anyone before, but now I do. Part of me ( a part I don't particularly like) hopes that the falls in love with someone and they cheat on her- then she will know what it is like to be the "wronged wife", and maybe then she'll understand what she did wrong, not only to me, but to all the other woman who's husbands she took an interest in.
( when all of it was going on, my dad wanted to download her picture from Facebook and put it in the paper with a big ad saying" this is so and so, and she's doing such and such with my daughter's husband and destroying their family". Luckily, I talked him out of it.)


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

frozensprouts said:


> AH Karma- the bad stuff you do will come back to bite you in the butt. I love that idea!
> 
> I'm glad to see that I am not the only person who will admit that they are really, really angry. I know that it is not wrong to be angry, but I don't like being this way, as it's not who I am. I don't like hating that other woman, but, right now, it's very hard not to. I never really hated anyone before, but now I do. Part of me ( a part I don't particularly like) d maybe then she'll understand what she did wrong, not only to me, but to all the other woman who's husbands she took an interest in.
> ( when all of it was going on, my dad wanted to download her picture from Facebook and put it in the paper with a big ad saying" this is so and so, and she's doing such and such with my daughter's husband and destroying their family". Luckily, I talked him out of it.)


Like I said, it changes you.. the level of emotion and the type of emotion you are feeling are foreign to you, which is probably why you say it felt (feels) surreal.

I laughed a little when you said "hopes that the falls in love with someone and they cheat on her- then she will know what it is like to be the "wronged wife"".. My biggest fantasy of revenge was to contact the OW's husband and tell him what she did, then get him to have an affair with me! Ridiculously convoluted, but it seemed so perfect to me back then.. 

I know you already know this, but I have to say that I think it's best not to act on any of the ideas you might have of revenge... just tell yourself you'll wait until you are more in control of your emotions. I really wish I would have waited until I was calmer and approached the situation with grace and dignity. 

I love your dad! Ha... the ad would've been so funny... (You're a bigger woman than I am, I would've let him place the ad..)
:rofl:
(Disclaimer: not saying that's the right thing to do, just saying it would've been funny. I am not advocating for this idea..) 

I hope you are able to talk to a counselor, both individually and with your husband. It definitely helps to have an unbiased point of view and a sounding board.


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