# Why is the man I so desperately love leaving me



## The plumberswife (Aug 11, 2012)

Hi,  I'm sorry this is a long one.. I have been browsing the forum for the last few days, reading some of your sad stories and to be honest, I was hoping and praying that I didn't have to join you, but here I am early hours of the morning, crying, feeling hurt, confused and absolutely terrified...

My husband aged 43 and I aged 42 have been married for 14 years, but together for nearly 21 years. We have three fantastic children aged 15, 13, 10.

My husband who I totally and utterly love, shattered my life this week by telling me that he wanted out of our marriage. I shouldn't be shocked as I have always felt that he didn't love me the way I love him, but I am shocked that he has finally said it. I don't want this to happen and my children sure as don't either. I just wish I knew how to change his mind. 

As I said, I have felt for a long time that he hadn't felt the same way for me as I for him and maybe after I tell you a few things, you'll probably be saying why didn't I leave him... Well we have had arguments over the years, usually because he has done or said something that I believe is wrong. I'm not saying I'm a saint, but any wrong doing by me has been the result of his actions towards me. Over the years, he has lied, cheated? (depends whether you'd call what I tell you as cheating) and he has emotionally abused me.

In the beginning he was lovely and made me feel special. He has always been 'one of the lads' and enjoyed going out drinking with his mates etc and I have never to this day stopped that. I don't think I have the right to stop him, he should know when its not right? I used to love partying myself, but I suppose after having my children, they became my priority and I had no time for myself, so I became an at home mum. I thought he would change and settle down a bit after having the children, but he didn't. He continued to go out in an evening, sometimes up to five night, it did caused arguments, after a while, I gave up saying anything. I'll admit, I became depressed, but what made it worse, was caring for my three children, cleaning the house and running his business from home, my husband decided to start swearing at me calling me a f.... lazy cow and that the house was a s... hole, all because maybe the children were playing with toys that were scattered on the floor or I was just sitting on the settee after a exhausting day and I have to tell you that all three children were terrible sleepers, having me up half the night, my 15 year old stopped climbing into our bed at 11 and my 13 year old still gets in occasionally now, but my 10 year still today wakes every night and gets in with us. It was degrading, I couldn't see what I had done wrong and I became lower and lower, feeling worthless, he would often dismiss me like a piece of crap, I think what kept me there is apart from my love for him, he always said he loved me, although I always told him that he couldn't possibly love me and treat me this way?

Eventually, his going out started to lessen slightly, I think this was because of the comments from family and friends, but then it started again, along with the emotional abusive, even if on the rare occasion we went out together, he never wanted to stay with me, always going off with his friends, I started to get panic attacks (which I have had in the past before I met him) and eventually, I stopped going out completely, but I was always there seeing to every need of my children, whilst running his business and home.

The abuse continued... although he always made out I was over reacting, I started to doubt myself, thinking maybe I was over reacting?? 

He often came home smelling of perfume and with lipstick on his shirt and like a fool, I excepted his excuses. One night he went out drinking, only to come home drunk at midnight and tell me he was going clubbing. He hadn't realised, but his phone dropped out of his back pocket onto the stairs, I only discovered it after he'd gone. At 3.30 in the morning whilst he was still out, he got a text, my world turned upside down, it was from a girls thanking him for the drinks and kisses. I replied to the text making out I was him, she carried on texting for a hour or so, until I confessed to her that I was the wife and mother of our three children, she went silent until I begged her to answer my phone call, eventually she did and was very forth coming, he not only kissed her passionately, but also pinned her up against a wall and groped her all over. I was numb, hurt and very angry, I confronted him and he denied it, but I called the girl back who again went on to tell me what happened, all whilst on loud speak in front of him.

After time and him declaring his love for me, I decided to move, I loved him, but I continued to doubt his love for me. After this I became paranoid, every time he went out, I would check the mobile bill, his clothes and even his boxers . I then discovered a itemised mobile bill missing and found it in the bin, it had a tiny slither torn off, I hunted through that bin and found the slither, a phone number, I rang my sister and gave her the number to ring, it was a girl, but was also one of my sisters friends, my sister then decided to tell me some things... this girl had kept asking about my hubby like where he drank how was our relationship etc and one night my sister caught the two of them face to face, inches apart, at the time she thought it didn't look right, but gave them the benefit of the doubt. He denied anything went on, but while had her rung her and then torn her number from the bill and then thrown it away.

After this I demanded to know if he really did love me, he never answered, I went on to see a solicitor and thought if he really did love me, then he'd stop me going, but he didn't. Two months later I went on to meeting a male friend through my family and he was just a friend, we texted each other and went out for a drink once, it's not something I would of normally done, but I didn't see any wrong in this as I thought my marriage was over, my hubby found out and was mortified, he did have a bit of a break down over this, anyway, he went on to tell people I had an affair, I was hurt as this was untrue,anyway, eventually he then won me over again. The abuse continued...

We moved two years ago, bigger mortgage, bigger bills, there was and still is a financial strain, I have done my best to keep our heads above water and to date, we have never not paid a bill or our mortgage. He continued to go out, we argued more and I still doubted his love for me. He has been skiing with his friends twice in the last two years and also had a weekend away. I have caused arguments over this as I feel that he shouldn't of gone and after all, me and the children hadn't had a holiday, he fails to see my argument  The weekend he had away was also a bit suspect, again I delved and discovered lie after lie, apparently I was invited but he didn't tell me, but all the other people took their partners, what was that all about? He has also become obsessed with a local family club and the people, talking about them all the time, this is the only place he offers to take me, but I am uncomfortable with it, I suppose its because he knows them all and don't.

Four weeks ago, my dad had another stroke and was in ITU. I phoned my hubby who was out on a planned drinking day, to say I was rushing off, I assumed he would of come straight home, as the children were home. I went on to text my hubby when I was on my way home, he never replied, once home at 10.45, I discovered he was still out drinking, he then didn't come home till the early hours, I was hurt, if he of cared for me then he would of come home. The next day I was angry and when he asked me to do something for him, I flipped, he screamed and shouted at me, told me he hated me, I told him he was disgusting for not being there for me and that if he loved me he would of come home, my 15 year old also shouted at him telling him he was out of order as I was stressed and worried about my dad, he then said sorry to shouting, but showed no remorse for not coming home the night before, I therefore told him to not speak to me. 

We didn't speak for two weeks, I continued to make the one and half travel to visit my dad, every other day. I then decided to ask if he really cared for me and that I didn't think so, he didn't respond, I then said I would go to a solicitor for a divorced if that's what he wanted, again, no response, so I took it that's what he wanted, so I lied, I thought if I told him I'd been to see one, then he would show me that he did want me, but no, so there I was not knowing what to do, he started being ****y like he was the almighty god, so I said I wanted out of his business and that we need to sort mediation to sort finances, I kept thinking he would say no its not what he wanted. I was again angry, hurt and terrified, I did not want this, I love him I know I shouldn't  He then went on to make an appointment with a solicitor, I couldn't stop crying and still haven't stopped, after some more arguments, and virtually begging him he eventually cancelled the appointment and said we'll see how it goes, during this time, I have asked tirelessly whether he really loves me and he has yet to answer, he has also become cold towards me, I asked if he really wanted a divorce but was scared to go through with it, he just said we can't go on like this keep arguing and he'd had enough, I couldn't and can't accept this, after all the years of crap he'd given me and I really feel he was in the wrong, although he blames me for the argument and not speaking to him for two weeks. He again said lets see how it goes. Anyway, I thought Saturday night we would go out together, but he didn't seem bothered, so I told him I was going to the pub, ( he has never liked me going out without him) but then I decided not to as I found out that this chat I use to textt, was in the pub, I told my hubby I wasn't going and why and he flipped, after an argument I decided to just go, I went to my mums, but tell tell hubby that, he then text to say is that it then, well if he didn't care about me then it shouldn't of been a problem, but obviously it did bother him, why? Anyway, after texting me several times, I told him I was at my mums and I had enough of arguing, I told him it wasn't fair that he was messing me about, playing with my emotions, one minute he seems to care, then next he wants out.


So on Monday this week, I was prepared to ring the solicitor and to tell the children, he then told me he did love me and asked me to wait and see how things go, but by Wednesday, he was acting no different, still cold, I could see the marriage had gone, I fell to pieces again, I asked him to be honest with me and wanted to know how long he had been 100% sure and he said a few days, so why did he stop me from seeing a solicitor two days before, you don't switch your love off overnight?? 

I decided I could not sleep in the same house as him, this is his choice to tear our family apart, so therefore he should go, he wouldn't so I stayed at my mums, yesterday morning he text and said shall we talk later???? I replied that I didn't know what else I could say, the ball was in his court, he didn't reply back, I text again thinking that maybe he just wanted to talk about our sleeping arrangements and said this, again no reply, I text again to say I'm confused, no reply. When I arrived home I decided to ask what the texting was all abut, he said that this morning he thought we could work things out, but then changed his mind again... I fell apart again. What is he doing to me, part of me think that this is because he is low in himself and unable to make clear decisions, part because of our finances and partly because he told me that he wants a fun life like the people from this club. 

I've come back home and he is not willing to leave, even refusing to leave our bed, giving me attitude, saying nasty things, why?? its his decision to end the marriage, therefore he should go to stop the tension in the house, its not fair to me or the children, we haven't caused this.

I'm still not convinced he's so sure, he will loose out big time, he's chucking our home away the kids, although I have said I will never stop him seeing them, but it won't be everyday, we have further properties too, a great car, boat, our business, etc etc, how can he think he'll have a better life, I just don't think he's right in the mind, but at times he comes across so sure??? I do believe if you have children, then you exhaust all options before deciding on a divorce, there is always counselling, but he has said no?? Even my daughter has told him he's selfish and should of spent more time with me!

My family and friends think I'm an idiot and they are probably right, but I want this for me and my children...

Can anyone help, give me advice,


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

The plumberswife said:


> After this I demanded to know if he really did love me, he never answered, I went on to see a solicitor and thought if he really did love me, then *he'd stop me going*, but he didn't...
> 
> I then decided to ask if he really cared for me and that I didn't think so, he didn't respond, I then said I would go to a solicitor for a divorced *if that's what he wanted*, again, no response, so I took it that's what he wanted, so I lied, I thought if I told him I'd been to see one, then *he would show me that he did want me*, but no, so there I was not knowing what to do, he started being ****y like he was the almighty god, so I said I wanted out of his business and that we need to sort mediation to sort finances,* I kept thinking he would say no its not what he wanted*. I was again angry, hurt and terrified, I did not want this, I love him I know I shouldn't  He then went on to make an appointment with a solicitor, I couldn't stop crying and still haven't stopped, after some more arguments, and *virtually begging him he eventually cancelled the appointment and said we'll see how it goes*,
> 
> ...


PlumbersWife,

Why are you giving all the power to your WH? 

The question that needs to be answered is... 'What do you want'? Answer the question, do it & accept the result. It seems you have two options:

1. Stay with him - _as is_. You have no reason to believe he will change as he indicates no _desire_ to change. This can only work if you are willing to *accept* your current relationship and stop tormenting both of you by questioning his love for you.

2. Leave him - decide his treatment of you is unacceptable and a dealbreaker. If so, stop threatening and *act*! In fact, it would be good discipline to not breathe a word to anyone - just do it.

You have every ounce of information required to make this decision. Empower yourself - make a decision and follow through. 

A further thought...
Allowing his action/inaction to determine your fate indicates some level of low self esteem. If you value yourself little, you can expect others to follow your lead. No matter what you decide to do, counseling and insight would be helpful.





The plumberswife said:


> during this time, I have asked tirelessly whether he really loves me and he has yet to answer


Why do you keep 'asking' the same question - Does he love/want you...? His answer seems consistent no matter _how_ you ask - whether it is a false threat or direct question. His nonverbal communication indicates the same. I don't think he could _be_ any clearer...

Best wishes.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree with what Janie has said. 

He is having his cake and eating it too. You take care of the house, the kids, the finances and the business. He parties, messes with other women, lies, and emotionally abuses you to top it off. He will keep yo-yoing as long as you let him ('let's see how it goes' but doesn't change his behavior).

Take control of your life. Janie is right, you have significant self-esteem issues. Seek counselling. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and how to get him out of the house. Don't you leave unless you feel you are in physical danger. The courts will see that as desertion, giving him the upper hand.

You may love him (or that may be an illusion coming from your low self-esteem, but do you love what he is doing to you?

I'm sorry your family and friends aren't supportive. He obviously has them hoodwinked.

Best of luck.
Hugs.


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