# Married for 20+ years and so unhappy



## Sadmomma (Jan 22, 2013)

I am new to this forum and have no where to turn but to all of you. My friends and family have watched my rocky relationship for 21 years and I just can't drag them through it anymore. I need to make a decision and either leave and move on or stay and make the best of it. We have had a rocky marraige. He drinks and eats to deal with stress and is not happy with how he looks or how he feels. I just can't seem to do anything right. If I have to hear one more time I am a selfish B, I am going to just lose my mind. His feelings are at the top of my list everyday but somehow if I am not completely satisifed with what he is willing to give, I am an ungrateful, selfish, B. My husband is a divorce attorney. He hates what he does and is miserable in his own skin..and somehow it is my fault. Basically, we are in our mid 40s with three boys, one in college, one going to college and a 14 year old at home with us. My husband is never a really happy person and takes everything personally. I can never predict his behavior and dealing with problems and angry people all day long carries over into our home and into our relationship. I feel like I deserve someone that will love and accept me for me but I have so much time invested in this relationship. We started dating at 15. Any advice? Do I need to go see a counselor just for me? I can't do this anymore. I want to be loved and respected. Thanks for any help or advice in advance. I would love to be able to keep my family together but I feel like I am sacrificing my very self by staying.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

yes, you do need counseling just for you. The problems you mention don't seem like theyve really been worked on and you seem a tad vague with regards to what you want. Therapy will help you gain real insight into what is nothing you and what you want.

Read, learn, talk, learn some more. 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## chicagocat (Jan 22, 2013)

oh that sounds awful only bc he really hates himself... the self loathing manifests with the drinking and compulsive eating. Many people who hate themselves project their hatred on the most vulnerable people in their lives. A therapist will help you see you cannot change him but you must not react (of course that's impossible, you get beat down....). It really is his problem and when he insults you, it is important that you see this is a symptom of his disease (alcoholism, self hatred). Forgive him his limitations but create boundaries to enable change. "I care for you and want you to be healthier. I know you have a stressful job and deserve to be happier. I would like you to cut down on your drinking and for us to take walks together. I would like us to make goals together to improve your health and have a therapist, advisor help us through the process. I want to work on our marriage but I will not allow you to treat me poorly. Are you willing or interested in working on the marriage? if not, are you willing to admit that it would be better for me and the kids to have space from your behaviors? What metrics for improvement can I count on you for? What can I do to show you that I am here for you?" it is painful painful and that is why it rarely works but he is an educated man and he should know this more than most!! I would threaten to put his largest competitor on retainer


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