# Advice needed



## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Hi,

I'm 44 and been with my gf for 22 years and we have 2 children. Have had a rocky couple of years and I suffer with anxiety, low confidence etc, always looking to avoid confrontation and generally go with the flow for an easy life.

I've started to feel unhappy in my relationship but reluctantly agreed to get married as it's what's shes always wanted.

Since then I've realised I no longer love her like I should. I feel happier alone.

Do I get married for her benefit and keep the family together? Or call off the engagement, break her heart and tell her how I really feel which means I leave?

I know I need to follow my heart, but it's so difficult to do 😔


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems odd to me that you have been together for so long yet never married. Plus you have children, are you going to abandon them? That's something I could never do. 

Maybe you could try some relationship counselling?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What made you suddenly decide you don’t love her anymore?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Unhappy77 said:


> ...reluctantly agreed to get married...


Why do people do this???


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Marriage wasn't important to either of us back then, plus money and children then made it more difficult.

I would never abandon my children. They are the only thing keeping me in the relationship. I would want to see them as much as possible.

Haven't tried any counselling.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What made you suddenly decide you don’t love her anymore?


No emotional or physical attraction/connection anymore, not wanting to be around her as much, feeling happier when I'm away from her, less anxious etc


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unhappy77 said:


> No emotional or physical attraction/connection anymore, not wanting to be around her as much, feeling happier when I'm away from her, less anxious etc


How old are the children?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> How old are the children?


13 & 9

These are my world 😔


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unhappy77 said:


> 13 & 9
> 
> These are my world 😔


Difficult one. You can always cancel the wedding and stick it out for another few years until you can separate without too much trauma. This is if you still have a viable relationship, don't argue and get on generally. This is a controversial opinion on TAM, though....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cancel the wedding. Co parent with 50/50 time.

Don't marry someone you don't want to be married to, that's a really bad idsa.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Unhappy77 said:


> No emotional or physical attraction/connection anymore, not wanting to be around her as much, feeling happier when I'm away from her, less anxious etc


From your end? If you don’t feel that way it probably better not to marry. That would be the best option, and the fairest. If you love your kids, it’s better for them to see dad in love with their mum.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your story is a mirror image of this one How have you dealt with not loving your partner? but you're a man. 

Look just because you don't have a government issued piece of paper declaring you married doesn't mean you can split up because you're "unhappy". You have been in a relationship with this woman for 20+ years and fathered two children who still happen to be really young. You have a commitment to your partner, your 13 year old, and your 8 year old to figure out how to make this relationship work. At the very least, you owe it to everyone involved to seek therapy for your anxiety and depression which could be the real basis for your feelings of unhappiness. 

Take a look at that thread I referenced. There was some advice in there that I think would help you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lila said:


> Look just because you don't have a government issued piece of paper declaring you married doesn't mean you can split up because you're "unhappy". You have been in a relationship with this woman for 20+ years and fathered two children who still happen to be really young. You have a commitment to your partner, your 13 year old, and your 8 year old to figure out how to make this relationship work.


I usually agree with you, but I don't see how he can make the relationship work if he has lost his physical and emotional attraction for his wife. How can you recreate physical attraction? The only thing he can do is to cancel the wedding and get along with his wife until he can get out, this if their relationship is bearable.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> Your story is a mirror image of this one How have you dealt with not loving your partner? but you're a man.
> 
> Look just because you don't have a government issued piece of paper declaring you married doesn't mean you can split up because you're "unhappy". You have been in a relationship with this woman for 20+ years and fathered two children who still happen to be really young. You have a commitment to your partner, your 13 year old, and your 8 year old to figure out how to make this relationship work. At the very least, you owe it to everyone involved to seek therapy for your anxiety and depression which could be the real basis for your feelings of unhappiness.
> 
> Take a look at that thread I referenced. There was some advice in there that I think would help you.


This is good advice. 

Do you love yourself?

Better, do you even like yourself?

You sound depressed.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Lila said:


> Your story is a mirror image of this one How have you dealt with not loving your partner? but you're a man.
> 
> Look just because you don't have a government issued piece of paper declaring you married doesn't mean you can split up because you're "unhappy". You have been in a relationship with this woman for 20+ years and fathered two children who still happen to be really young. You have a commitment to your partner, your 13 year old, and your 8 year old to figure out how to make this relationship work. At the very least, you owe it to everyone involved to seek therapy for your anxiety and depression which could be the real basis for your feelings of unhappiness.
> 
> Take a look at that thread I referenced. There was some advice in there that I think would help you.


Thank you, I will look at the thread.

I've had private therapy for my mental health issues. My partner is quite firey and negative, and lots of the things I worked on in therapy, were difficult to carry on whilst being around her. 

I think the relationship is actually making me more depressed.

I feel my mental health should be my priority above everything else?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I usually agree with you, but I don't see how he can make the relationship work if he has lost his physical and emotional attraction for his wife. How can you recreate physical attraction? The only thing he can do is to cancel the wedding and get along with his wife until he can get out, this if their relationship is bearable.


All of that 'losing emotional and physical connection' stuff goes out the window when you precede it with 'I suffer from anxiety and depression'. Should be proceed with the wedding? Probably not. Should he completely bail on the relationship without first addressing his mental health issues? Absolutely not! As was said in that other thread to the woman who doesn't love her husband. A commitment is made and it should be seen through all of the way. Hell, even arranged marriages were brought up to convince that OP to stick to it. If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.n


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Unhappy77 said:


> Thank you, I will look at the thread.
> 
> I've had private therapy for my mental health issues. My partner is quite firey and negative, and lots of the things I worked on in therapy, were difficult to carry on whilst being around her.
> 
> ...


Have you tried couple counseling?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lila said:


> Your story is a mirror image of this one How have you dealt with not loving your partner? but you're a man.
> 
> Look just because you don't have a government issued piece of paper declaring you married doesn't mean you can split up because you're "unhappy". You have been in a relationship with this woman for 20+ years and fathered two children who still happen to be really young. You have a commitment to your partner, your 13 year old, and your 8 year old to figure out how to make this relationship work. At the very least, you owe it to everyone involved to seek therapy for your anxiety and depression which could be the real basis for your feelings of unhappiness.
> 
> Take a look at that thread I referenced. There was some advice in there that I think would help you.


👍


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unhappy77 said:


> Thank you, I will look at the thread.
> 
> I've had private therapy for my mental health issues. My partner is quite firey and negative, and lots of the things I worked on in therapy, were difficult to carry on whilst being around her.
> 
> ...


The therapy doesn't seem to have helped though if you are still depressed. Are you on medication?

Surely your children are worth trying relationship counseling for a few months?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Unhappy77 said:


> Thank you, I will look at the thread.
> 
> I've had private therapy for my mental health issues. My partner is quite firey and negative, and lots of the things I worked on in therapy, were difficult to carry on whilst being around her.
> 
> ...


I also want to add if what you're going through is not some mid-life crisis? 

You are 44 and have been with your partner for 22 years. That means you've been together since you were 22, half your life. Are you sure you're not experiencing feelings of having missed out, especially since you said you suffer from low self esteem? Is it possible that you are projecting those feelings onto your relationship?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The therapy doesn't seem to have helped though if you are still depressed. Are you on medication?
> 
> Surely your children are worth trying relationship counseling for a few months?


I've tried medication in the past which didn't help. Currently no, I'm not on medication.

Havent tried couple counseling.

I feel different when I'm on my own, out walking or at work etc, almost having a spring in my steps at times. When I come home, I feel anxious. I think there's been coercion over the years which I allowed to happen and I've begun to resent her.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Lila said:


> I also want to add if what you're going through is not some mid-life crisis?
> 
> You are 44 and have been with your partner for 22 years. That means you've been together since you were 22, half your life. Are you sure you're not experiencing feelings of having missed out, especially since you said you suffer from low self esteem? Is it possible that you are projecting those feelings onto your relationship?


Yes that's possible. It's not that I'm interested in going out dating other women. It's just I feel happier alone 😔


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lila said:


> All of that 'losing emotional and physical connection' stuff goes out the window when you precede it with 'I suffer from anxiety and depression'. Should be proceed with the wedding? Probably not. Should he completely bail on the relationship without first addressing his mental health issues? Absolutely not! As was said in that other thread to the woman who doesn't love her husband. A commitment is made and it should be seen through all of the way. Hell, even arranged marriages were brought up to convince that OP to stick to it. If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.n


He didn't mention depression. That said, you are right that he should try more counselling, but from his reply it seems to transpire that his wife is not an angel.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Unhappy77 said:


> It's not that I'm interested in going out dating other women. It's just I feel happier alone 😔


"Fiery & negative" doesn't sound like a fun environment, that could make ANYONE not want to come home.

Maybe you need to slay this dragon, figuratively speaking. Have you talked to her about her nagitivity?

Also, you might already BE married, under common law.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, what are you leaving out?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Noman said:


> "Fiery & negative" doesn't sound like a fun environment, that could make ANYONE not want to come home.
> 
> Maybe you need to slay this dragon, figuratively speaking. Have you talked to her about her nagitivity?
> 
> Also, you might already BE married, under common law.


Yes, and everything is fine for a while. But I do feel as if I walk on eggshells at times. I do anything for an easy life and normally brush things under the carpet


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes could be mid-life crisis? 

You have a spring in your step away from her, have you got a plan, or at least a fantasy of where you would live, what you would do alone? Has that part been explored and discussed, or is it just a vague feeling of wanting to be away from her?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes could be mid-life crisis?
> 
> You have a spring in your step away from her, have you got a plan, or at least a fantasy of where you would live, what you would do alone? Has that part been explored and discussed, or is it just a vague feeling of wanting to be away from her?


I can imagine living alone, I work full time, gym, eat and sleep. And having my kids over to stay as much as possible. My kids are my priority, but I feel I can be an even better father if I'm in a better place mentally.

She's my only serious relationship.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> OP, what are you leaving out?


I threatened to leave a few years ago. She kicked off saying she has "dirt" on some of my family and it would all come out if I go


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Unhappy77 said:


> I threatened to leave a few years ago. She kicked off saying she has "dirt" on some of my family and it would all come out if I go


How damaging is this "dirt" and why would it hold you too her?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> How damaging is this "dirt" and why would it hold you too her?


People make mistakes when they are young and stupid unfortunately. The dirt is enough to potentially break up a family unit


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unhappy77 said:


> People make mistakes when they are young and stupid unfortunately. The dirt is enough to potentially break up a family unit


So cheating in your family maybe?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Unhappy77 said:


> Yes, and everything is fine for a while. But I do feel as if I walk on eggshells at times. I do anything for an easy life and normally brush things under the carpet


Well, this is the nature of ALL human relationships...how do you feel around other people you are close to?

I'm not sure how much of what you write as problems is YOU, and YOUR perspective (which could be over-sensitive and colored by general anxiety), and what is truly toxic and unworkable. I am NOT saying you are wrong to feel the way you do, I'm just questioning if these feelings will follow you no matter where you go and who you are with...and it would be sad to end a long-term relationship and break apart your family over something that may be temporary for you.

Why do you think it took you so long to decide you weren't in love with her? How did you feel 3 or 5 or 10 years ago?

Have you ever communicated your feelings TO HER...?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Unhappy77 said:


> I've tried medication in the past which didn't help. Currently no, I'm not on medication.
> 
> Havent tried couple counseling.
> 
> I feel different when I'm on my own, out walking or at work etc, almost having a spring in my steps at times. When I come home, I feel anxious. I think there's been coercion over the years which I allowed to happen and I've begun to resent her.


I don't get a sense that you have taken your condition seriously enough and dealt with it properly. Same goes for the relationship as a whole. Have you told her how you are feeling? I suspect you've been keeping this all to yourself and during those alone times your mind is spinning the story of how happy you will be out of the relationship. Maybe you would be happier, but from what you've said here it doesn't sound like you've put much work into the relationship. Isn't it worth putting in some effort?

What made her want to get married after 22 years?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Unhappy77 said:


> I threatened to leave a few years ago. She kicked off saying she has "dirt" on some of my family and it would all come out if I go


So you stayed with her back then to protect your family members and she was satisfied with that? 
She "loves" you so much she just wants you there, whether you love her back or not...?


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, this is the nature of ALL human relationships...how do you feel around other people you are close to?
> 
> I'm not sure how much of what you write as problems is YOU, and YOUR perspective (which could be over-sensitive and colored by general anxiety), and what is truly toxic and unworkable. I am NOT saying you are wrong to feel the way you do, I'm just questioning if these feelings will follow you no matter where you go and who you are with...and it would be sad to end a long-term relationship and break apart your family over something that may be temporary for you.
> 
> ...


I agree with a lot of what you say. These feelings of anxiety may be with me for ever, seeing as they have already been there for the majority of my life.

I think when you have anxiety, have suffered with depression, low self esteem, it's difficult to think clearly. At times I feel I don't even love myself, so it's hard to love somebody else.

It's just the turmoil of deciding what's the best thing to do, it's affecting me so badly.

I was a lot happier in the past....but that unhappiness has been around the last couple of years


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I don't get a sense that you have taken your condition seriously enough and dealt with it properly. Same goes for the relationship as a whole. Have you told her how you are feeling? I suspect you've been keeping this all to yourself and during those alone times your mind is spinning the story of how happy you will be out of the relationship. Maybe you would be happier, but from what you've said here it doesn't sound like you've put much work into the relationship. Isn't it worth putting in some effort?
> 
> What made her want to get married after 22 years?


No, I've said nothing. Everything is bottled up inside me. My anxiety is bad and I struggle to think clearly as my mind races away at times


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Unhappy77 said:


> People make mistakes when they are young and stupid unfortunately. The dirt is enough to potentially break up a family unit


So you allow someone to blackmail you over someone else's issue?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your only serious relationship.

I think this is the missing information.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Unhappy77 said:


> No, I've said nothing. Everything is bottled up inside me. My anxiety is bad and I struggle to think clearly as my mind races away at times


It sounds to me like you are looking for the quick fix, but you have no guarantee that leaving the relationship will make you feel better. It might, but it could also make it worse. You would have a whole new set of issues to work through. Why not try to work on the known problems now? Keeping your issues internalized isn't helping you. Maybe time for a new strategy.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Unhappy77 said:


> No, I've said nothing. Everything is bottled up inside me. My anxiety is bad and I struggle to think clearly as my mind races away at times


This is actually very bad for any relationship, even one with yourself. You said you are seeing a counselor, but do you think you are benefiting from that at all? What else are you doing to care for your mental/emotional health...have you read any books or articles that were helpful...do you journal...?

I don't know if you are in any kind of stable emotional place to make such a huge, impactful decision about your family's future and what you really need and want to be "happy". It definitely sounds like you have some serious issues with your partner, but running away from them instead of dealing with them BEFORE making a decision is a mistake, I believe.

Would she go to couple's counseling with you?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A professional will tell you the worst time to make drastic changes is when you are suffering from depression and anxiety.

I’m not sure if you have a history of trauma, but in situation where the anxiety disappears when you are away from a particular person, this applies: the feelings actually escalate around your safe person. But we all think the opposite. ‘My anxiety disappears when they’re not around, so they must be the cause’

Think about it - children for example, or wives in serious domestic abuse situations, tend to have the real crack up after the abuser leaves. Years later. Decades even. And when the abuser is around, symptoms seem to subside. Something about your repetition of being ok when you’re not near her, indicates to me that it’s ok and safe for you to fall apart when she’s around. She’s safe, and there’s something you need to tell her. That’s what the anxiety may be.

Who in your life hurt you very badly? Think back. That person may be absent now. Your kids are at an age that might give you a clue.

I can suggest that you don’t leave, but at the same time, don’t marry yet. No drastic changes. You may be heading for a breakdown (maybe not, I don’t know your full story). But a common feature before this happens is an intense ‘feeling’ that you need to be alone and it appears you’re isolating from you nearest and dearest.

Keep talking, here and to your therapist.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I still can't conceive being with anyone who would so openly blackmail me.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> This is actually very bad for any relationship, even one with yourself. You said you are seeing a counselor, but do you think you are benefiting from that at all? What else are you doing to care for your mental/emotional health...have you read any books or articles that were helpful...do you journal...?
> 
> I don't know if you are in any kind of stable emotional place to make such a huge, impactful decision about your family's future and what you really need and want to be "happy". It definitely sounds like you have some serious issues with your partner, but running away from them instead of dealing with them BEFORE making a decision is a mistake, I believe.
> 
> Would she go to couple's counseling with you?


Possibly, I'm not sure. I am just very confused and don't know what to do unfortunately. It seems like the weight of the world is on me


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> A professional will tell you the worst time to make drastic changes is when you are suffering from depression and anxiety.
> 
> I’m not sure if you have a history of trauma, but in situation where the anxiety disappears when you are away from a particular person, this applies: the feelings actually escalate around your safe person. But we all think the opposite. ‘My anxiety disappears when they’re not around, so they must be the cause’
> 
> ...


Thanks for this post....a lot of it makes sense and you have hit the nail on the head in a number of points. I do suffer from PTSD after a childhood trauma.

I've become withdrawn, I don't like to be around family as much and have stopped seeing friends..I feel like the joy has totally gone from me.

I just want to find happiness. And all I know right now, is I feel less stress and anxious when I am on my own 😔


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Unhappy77 said:


> I threatened to leave a few years ago. She kicked off saying she has "dirt" on some of my family and it would all come out if I go


This says everything. You're with a negative person who tries to make you stay by threatening your family. That's why medication hasn't worked. The problem is her and the fact you have accepted living this way. Obviously do what you can for your kids, but that doesn't mean putting up with her crap.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> This says everything. You're with a negative person who tries to make you stay by threatening your family. That's why medication hasn't worked. The problem is her and the fact you have accepted living this way. Obviously do what you can for your kids, but that doesn't mean putting up with her crap.


Yes I feel so dissapointed in myself that I've allowed this all to happen.

As stated, I'd tried counselling and was given excersizes to work on to calm my anxiety. But I come home for example and our child spills her drink on the floor. To me it's nothing, no problem, I'll just clear it up. To her she goes mad and starts shouting to be more careful. It's just little things like that have gone on for so long.

And I'm not good with conflict so Ive stupidily not dealt with things


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Having lived with an anxious and depressed wife most of my life, I know what's it like. I would just get out of the relationship. Since your partner doesn't seem to support you (on the contrary), it's the only way. You need to put your mental health and well being first.

P.S. Your partner seems massively stressed out too.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Unhappy77 said:


> Yes I feel so dissapointed in myself that I've allowed this all to happen.


First of all, DROP this right here -- harshly judging yourself for past actions (or inaction) does almost NOTHING beneficial for you at all. You are just weighing yourself down with negativity when you need to be more positive.



Unhappy77 said:


> As stated, I'd tried counselling and was given excersizes to work on to calm my anxiety. But I come home for example and our child spills her drink on the floor. To me it's nothing, no problem, I'll just clear it up. To her she goes mad and starts shouting to be more careful. It's just little things like that have gone on for so long.
> 
> And I'm not good with conflict so Ive stupidily not dealt with things


I think it would also help you to find concrete ways to COPE with your anxiety and your feelings, not just to calm them. 
Bad feelings oftentimes are indicators of things in our lives that need our attention and some resolution...when we can cope with feeling bad, we can learn things about ourselves and any situation that we are in, and the goal should be to be kind to ourselves and identify and communicate what our needs are, even if you only write them down until you feel safe enough to share them.

It's not that your partner gets angry and shouts...it's how YOU interpret that and the reaction that you have to her that you need to cope with in a healthier way. It sounds like you are taking HER feelings personally, when they really are about HER and not YOU. That will also contribute to your confusion and anxiety, and make it very difficult for you to set clear, solid boundaries with her when needed. 

I agree with the other posters that you should discuss these feelings with your therapist. And couples counseling might REALLY help you both communicate, even if you decide you do want to leave her.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> First of all, DROP this right here -- harshly judging yourself for past actions (or inaction) does almost NOTHING beneficial for you at all. You are just weighing yourself down with negativity when you need to be more positive.
> 
> 
> I think it would also help you to find concrete ways to COPE with your anxiety and your feelings, not just to calm them.
> ...


Thanks. Yes they are about her, but I'm here every day and it's difficult to escape it and not let it affect me.

Also, there's many examples of subtle coercion I could give.

It's slowly broken me down and I've become weak by it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Unhappy77 said:


> No emotional or physical attraction/connection anymore, not wanting to be around her as much, feeling happier when I'm away from her, less anxious etc


I don't know where you're at but in the United States joint 50/50 custody is the norm. It's no longer a case of where the man can just see the kids whenever he wants to but not have responsibility for their everyday cares and needs. You may be in a different country where that's still not the case. You'll need to be prepared to completely take care of the children two and a half days through the week as well as one day on the weekend and that means running them to school or meeting with teachers or whatever during your work day just as your partner would do. That leaves you three and a half days when you do not have to take care of them at all because your partner would be doing it all. 

I'm not saying whether you should stay or go but I'm just letting you know that either way you go about it there's going to be complications and your life is going to change and you will have times you'll have to miss work and risk your employer getting mad. 

On the other hand if she decides she wants full custody, you'll be paying a whole lot of child support whereas if you do 50/50 joint custody which is the norm here in the US, you will not.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not sure if anyone’s asked yet, so I will. Do you have a new (or old even) female friend, or coworker that you’ve been talking to a lot? Anyone else you’re dreaming about? Someone who has made you realise your wife isn’t meant to be the woman you want to stay with?


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Unhappy77 said:


> Yes, and everything is fine for a while. But I do feel as if I walk on eggshells at times. I do anything for an easy life and normally brush things under the carpet


Maybe you should turn your thinking around 180 degrees: Instead of leaving, how about stepping up, taking control of your household, and your wife, and running things instead of avoiding confrontation and "going with the flow."

Stand up, take charge and _DICTATE_ the flow.

You might find your wife respecting her new-found man and you might find your low self-esteem turning into confidence.



Unhappy77 said:


> It seems like the weight of the world is on me


That's what it feels like at times for the Man of the House, but that weight can be quite manageable with a supportive wife. But you have to become the Man of the House before your wife will become supportive.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m not sure if anyone’s asked yet, so I will. Do you have a new (or old even) female friend, or coworker that you’ve been talking to a lot? Anyone else you’re dreaming about? Someone who has made you realise your wife isn’t meant to be the woman you want to stay with?


No, absolutely not. No interest in other women at all right now


Luckylucky said:


> I’m not sure if anyone’s asked yet, so I will. Do you have a new (or old even) female friend, or coworker that you’ve been talking to a lot? Anyone else you’re dreaming about? Someone who has made you realise your wife isn’t meant to be the woman you want to stay with?


No, haven't been talking to any women or have any interest either.

I may think about what it may be like with someone new, but I have never or would never cheat.


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## Unhappy77 (Sep 29, 2021)

Noman said:


> Maybe you should turn your thinking around 180 degrees: Instead of leaving, how about stepping up, taking control of your household, and your wife, and running things instead of avoiding confrontation and "going with the flow."
> 
> Stand up, take charge and _DICTATE_ the flow.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. Yes I agree with that you say..it's a complete lack of confidence in myself. 

I wish I could feel and act how you described.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> This says everything. You're with a negative person who tries to make you stay by threatening your family. That's why medication hasn't worked. The problem is her and the fact you have accepted living this way. Obviously do what you can for your kids, but that doesn't mean putting up with her crap.


Al... I don't think for a minute that it's all as it seems to be about her from his point of view. Here we might have a case of a distorted view from the OP as to what he is perceiving from his partner.
We need to take into consideration that even if his statement of his wife trying to blackmail him into staying were to be true, we do not have sufficient background as to what she really is only the partial statements he makes. I would think that based on his assertations of his mental state he is viewing things from a skewed rationalization. It would be quite enlighten if we could have the partner's point of view of what she must go through on a daily basis living with an individual that has all the mental problems that the OP has.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Al... I don't think for a minute that it's all as it seems to be about her from his point of view. Here we might have a case of a distorted view from the OP as to what he is perceiving from his partner.
> We need to take into consideration that even if his statement of his wife trying to blackmail him into staying were to be true, we do not have sufficient background as to what she really is only the partial statements he makes. I would think that based on his assertations of his mental state he is viewing things from a skewed rationalization. It would be quite enlighten if we could have the partner's point of view of what she must go through on a daily basis living with an individual that has all the mental problems that the OP has.


No doubt they are probably two peas in pod. As Rich Cooper likes to say, men love to complicate their lives then justify why they do it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

previous post appeared twice


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