# freshly seperated



## MiseryIsHere

My husband left me on Monday. I came home from work and found the note he left me saying he had moved out. He said he didn't think the problems we have will get better...he wishes he could make me happy...I deserve better than this....he will try his best to support me until Im done with grad school...and I love you always. It was about a paragraph long. Weve been together 10 years and celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary over the week. It was such a nice day and I felt so close to him. We have not been fighting a lot and I never, ever saw this coming. He took all of his things with him but left the things that I have given him or made him. He didnt take anything that belongs to "us." Sunday night we had a fight about his parents. They are the only thing we fight about. I havent seen or talked to them in 4 years. We started out extremely close but that disapated a couple of years into the relationship or so over something stupid. Since then, its almost more like grudges against eachother and selfisheness both ways. His parents were pulling him one way, I was pulling him the other way. I didnt think the fight was something that we wouldnt get over the next day. I cannot tell you how badly I regret not kissing him that last morning. When I found his note, I frantically searched for him. I thought soemthing was terribly wrong. I never thought he would leave me. My parents later found him at his parents house, 5-6 hours away. Hes always been close to my family but would not speak to them. I have tried calling him, emailing, texting, and also contacting his parents. I have been given NO response. I was not mad, just worried and wanted to just talk and know he was ok. Since then, my parents have tried talking to him again but he has not been at their house. Further, he got a new phone with a new phone number. I am not sure if he even has his job here. I have been completely alienated from him. I wrote his parents a letter telling them I wanted to make things right and I believe he needs both of us. I am completely devasted by all of this. I love this man with all of my heart and soul. I have forgiven for leaving and asked for forgiveness from him for not trying much harder with his family. When we moved away from them, it became easier to just ignore the issues. I dont know if he is even still at his parents house and even if there was an emergency, I have no way to contact him. His letter, to me, does not make sense, especially in combination with him completely shutting me out. He knows I love him, I know he does. I do not want this relationship to end. I want him back. We are a family. (no kids) I did not attempt contact in any way yesterday and plan not to today..trying to give space. However, I fear that he will/has run off again and I will never hear his voice again. I dont know if I should completely back off and drive to try finding him. I am just looking for some sort of advice here. He means the world to me.


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## MiseryIsHere

All these views but NO replies has me nervous...


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## Acoa

Replies will trickle in. Most of the regular posters in the reconciliation forum take some time to think through their replies.

What was going on prior to this? Was there some tension and maybe he wasn't expressing how bad he felt? I am often surprised when my wife can't see how badly I am hurting. I guess men are often taught not to wear their emotions on their sleeves. It can make it difficult to see when we need help.


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## MiseryIsHere

This issue with his parents has been one that has gone on for about 7 years. However, beyond that, there was no tension. Things had been really good. We were enjoying the summer, our anniversary, and talking about our vacation plans for next week. I can only guess that the issue with his parents was hurting him far more than I knew. The pain I feel now for not realizing is unbearable. It was hard to talk about the parent issue for both of us. I wish badly that he would have talked to me, expressed how he was feeling, and tell me how serious it had gotten instead of just leaving a note and packing up. I desperatly want to resolve the issue with his parents but because noone will respond to me, I just dont know what to do. Of course, I deeply want him back too.


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## Acoa

You need to find a way to probe you understand now. Have you tried talking to his parents? Try to mend the rift there without putting your husband in the middle?


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## MiseryIsHere

Yes, Ive tried talking with them. I tried just once in the past..its been 4 years since that. They only hung up on me. When I found out he left and went to their house, I tried his parents. They took one phone off the hook and blocked my number from their cell. I still left a message on the home phone...2 actually...telling them how much I love their son and that I want to resolve these issues with them. I also wrote a hand-written letter and put it in the mail yesterday. This is honestly what they have wanted before--him away from me and with them. I explained to them that I want us to be a family and suggested sitting down for a meal together to talk. But as I said, I have not been able to have one word with them or my husband. Ive been completely shut out by both. I cannot understand why my husband has shut my out an even changed his number especially after telling me how much he loves me in his note. I have debated just giving him time or driviing to his parents house (6 hours away) and trying to talk. Im just afraid they will not speak to me.


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## MiseryIsHere

I just dont know what to do next!


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## Acoa

How did the fight with the parents start? Was their tension when you dated? Or did something change?


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## MiseryIsHere

We were going to college and my husband, myself, and his brother decided to live together. Living with the brother was a bad idea. I truly believed he had a drinking problem and I knew he was drinking and diriving. He was also having random girls stay with us here and htere, etc.. I got tired of it and I thought he needed some help. I told the parents about the situation. The parents were very, very upset with me about it. All the issues between our reltionship started that night and persisted forever. This was all when we were dating and we became engaged about 6 months later. His parents wre very upset about the engagement.


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## Acoa

Do his parents drink too? Or do they just enable their son?

Alcoholic households have a dynamic that is both unhealthy and difficult for outsiders to understand. "Don't trust, don't think, don't tell." You coming into the picture upset the apple cart. 

Seek out and read some alanine material, see if it makes sense. 

If you do pursue R, you have a long difficult road ahead of you. Good luck.


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## MiseryIsHere

His parents do not drink. I dont know if the younger brother does anymore. He does have a good job, I believe.


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## Acoa

Alchies can hold jobs. 

And I meant Alanon, damn autocorrect.


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## SaltInWound

MiseryIsHere said:


> Yes, Ive tried talking with them. I tried just once in the past..its been 4 years since that. They only hung up on me. When I found out he left and went to their house, I tried his parents. They took one phone off the hook and blocked my number from their cell. I still left a message on the home phone...2 actually...telling them how much I love their son and that I want to resolve these issues with them. I also wrote a hand-written letter and put it in the mail yesterday. This is honestly what they have wanted before--him away from me and with them. I explained to them that I want us to be a family and suggested sitting down for a meal together to talk. But as I said, I have not been able to have one word with them or my husband. Ive been completely shut out by both. I cannot understand why my husband has shut my out an even changed his number especially after telling me how much he loves me in his note. I have debated just giving him time or driviing to his parents house (6 hours away) and trying to talk. Im just afraid they will not speak to me.


Good luck getting him to talk. Going by his parents' behavior, it seems they taught him how to be immature.


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## CanadianGuy

MiseryIsHere it sounds like you are going through hell and it probably feels like it too. I am sorry for your troubles. 

It must be very difficult for you as you are receiving no replies from him to your calls and texts. Dwelling on this will add to your anxiety. I can probably say with some certainty that you are getting very little sleep. If that is the case it makes it harder to think and act clearly. 

If at all possible treat yourself as gently as you can. If you can stop texting and calling as this is only adding to your stress. Find out as much as you can about child support etc. and how to move forward. If you are into keeping a journal or even if you are not it helps to write down how you are feeling so that you can get the emotions out instead of going in circles. 

I hope this helps.


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## MiseryIsHere

You are right...I am not sleeping. I am not eating either. I started out somewhat "small" but managed to lose 16 lbs in just 10 days...didnt even know that was possible. My body physically aches. He finally had one "moment" of contact with me...to say he was comfortable answering my questions and he planned on filing for divorce. I just want him to talk to me. There was so much good in this marriage. I know if he came back we would grow from this.


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## angstire

MiseryIsHere said:


> You are right...I am not sleeping. I am not eating either. I started out somewhat "small" but managed to lose 16 lbs in just 10 days...didnt even know that was possible. My body physically aches. He finally had one "moment" of contact with me...to say he was comfortable answering my questions and he planned on filing for divorce. I just want him to talk to me. There was so much good in this marriage. I know if he came back we would grow from this.


Same things happened to me when wife walked. Never knew I could survive on so little sleep and food and lose weight so fast. 

Sorry for you. I read this a lot on TAM, "There was so much good in this marriage." How can one spouse feel this way and the other so opposite? History re-writing.

Journal the emotions out of your bod, as suggested. It will help.

Take care.


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