# Husband who usually likes lots of sex suddenly disinterested



## CarrieOn (Jun 19, 2013)

Hi, I'm a bit worried about my husband. We normally have a very active sex life, anywhere from 1-2 times a day to at least 4 times a week. But lately it seems his interest has waned and I think it's been at least a week, maybe a week and a half, since we've had sex.

We've been going through a very hard time-- our first child was stillborn at full term about 4 months ago and we recently got pregnant again, only to find out it will likely end in a miscarriage (we already had a miscarriage during our first pregnancy, the second pregnancy ended in the stillbirth and so this is our third unsuccessful pregnancy in a time span of only about a year and a half.)

We both took (and are still taking) the death of our baby very hard. But at first it seemed we were even having more sex than usual-- I guess this came out of wanting to be emotionally/physically close as well as wanting to get pregnant again. It has only been quite recently that he hasn't seem interested at all. Granted I haven't initiated it and I probably should. I guess if he doesn't feel like it, I don't want to push it. In the past he is usually the one to initiate and would probably want to have even more sex than we normally do, whereas I am the one to initiate it maybe 25% of the time. (It's not that I don't like it-- I love it-- but he seems to initiate it during all of our free time so there isn't as much opportunity for me to initiate it).

My first thought is that maybe he is tired of all the failed pregnancies or associates sex with pregnancy and has become disenchanted or afraid or something. He did mention that he has been afraid to have sex with me because I had a bacteria infection that I was treated for (like a yeast infection) and he's afraid that he has it and doesn't want to pass it back to me. Our child's cause of death was determined to be an infection due to naturally occurring bacteria, and I was trying to keep any kind of infection under control while trying to conceive or being pregnant (even though they don't know what kind of bacteria spread to the baby, and they think it is out of my system and think that the more recent infection is not related)... maybe he is being super cautious or paranoid or feeling guilty about that.

My second guess is depression because obviously we've both been complete sad sacks, with little to no motivation to do much of anything. The only other time there was any kind of break in our sex life is when he was on Zoloft for depression, after the first miscarriage, but that was more of a physical side effect from the medication than anything to do with us (it did affect his libido/desire as well though). He wasn't on it long (maybe a month or two) due to undesirable side effects, including that one, and also feeling like a zombie etc. Ironically during that time we got pregnant with the child that we lost just before birth. This time we were mating like rabbits when I conceived with this current pregnancy.

Does anyone have any experience or advice? It kind of helps just to type it out and think about it. I think I need to just initiate sex because I miss it, but I guess I'm afraid that if he isn't in the mood for it then it could be problematic, emotionally or physically.

FWIW, although we are going through this horrible emotional time, our marriage seems solid with no other issues except for the sex. We work together (own a business) and are always together, and rarely fight or take out our emotions on each other. He is very sweet and loving and I am glad to have him. (The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps we spend TOO much time together and maybe a little distance could increase desire or something. However we both want to be close to each other in this time of grief and it seems like no one else understands exactly how we feel/what we're going through, so our natural instinct I guess is to hold on tight to each other, emotionally at least).


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you want to have sex, then go ahead and initiate. So what if he turns you down? If he does, you can ask him if he's all right. Or you can ask him if he's all right without initiating. Maybe he's not feeling well. Or maybe it really is exactly what he told you:



> He did mention that he has been afraid to have sex with me because I had a bacteria infection that I was treated for (like a yeast infection) and he's afraid that he has it and doesn't want to pass it back to me.


If that's it, then he can be treated for it.


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## CarrieOn (Jun 19, 2013)

I had a doctor's appointment today and we asked if there's a way to tell if he has it or a treatment for it and the doctor said no. For women it's internal and there's a test and treatment but for men it's external and there's no test or treatment. So when I heard that I thought, F it, we'll just have sex. Not sure if he thought the same thing, ha ha. Yesterday he was talking about having sex last night but we went to a very hard fitness class (we are both quite out of shape right now) and when we were there he said he doesn't think he'll have any energy left for sex. Today he seems rather sick with a sinus infection and also very tired from working out yesterday. Perhaps we'll go to bed early and I'll treat him to a surprise.

It's just strange to me because in the past there was never once a time before that he didn't want to have sex for any reason (except for the one Zoloft time I mentioned). So it just kind of stumps me. Thanks for the advice and sorry if I am over-analyzing.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Sounds like you have a good man. Just talk to him and tell him how you are feeling and why you are concerned. You both have gone through a lot but still seem solid overall . Get it out in the open before it grows and causes an unnecessary divide between you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarrieOn (Jun 19, 2013)

Thanks, inarut. He is definitely a good man.  I'll talk to him.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your losses. That has to be so very difficult and in a short period of time.

I wonder if it's isn't a fear of the miscarriage if you are still pregnant. Either him thinking he could cause the miscarriage or induce it - or that it is a reminder of the pregnancy since it is intimately linked with sex. 

In any case, you have my best wishes for a happy, healthy pregnancy whether this or the next. And sorry again for the loss of your child. I'm heartbroken for you and your husband.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I am TOTALLY guessing here; I could be right or wrong. Putting myself in his shoes as you describe, and considering what you two have been through, I might feel very guilty of doing anything fun or pleasurable like I am doing something wrong. Maybe?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Thank God I can only imagine what it must be like to lose a child, even a still born one.

Your husband helped make a new life that 'failed'...I'm sure he feels responsible. 
I can't recall the 5 stages of grief...but they include disbelief, denial, anger etc. Everyone goes through all stages but we are all different in how long we spend in each 'stage'. 
Your husband might be going through a stage that makes him uninterested in sex. At the moment.

Give him the space and time to come to terms with what has happened. 

Sadly lots of marriages fall apart after the death of a child... If anything happened to either of my children, especially my daughter (11yrs) I would have to be put on suicide watch...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

talk to your husband about it. 
my wife had a ridiculous number of miscarriages over the last four years, and each time we got our hopes up, it crushed me. 

but, what hurt the most for me was not that we lost the child. it was seeing her hopes mercilessly crushed over and over again. 
eventually we decided to adopt, and it has taken a lot of the stress off of her... which she didn't even know she was showing. i saw it immediately though, and she definitely noticed the weight lift off my chest.

now im back to my normal horny self.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I think there should be a sign letting the spouse know if it's good night.........not really but lol.

In our house if my wife wears sweats, sports bra, and a shirt there is usually a reason. For me if I give her a kiss and crash on my stomach that means I'm super tired.

Normally we both know when the other wants a bit. I've actually been stressed to the maxx this week and sex is the last thing on my mind.

I do want to shoot my oldest daughter, punch her fiance, and move to the middle of nowhere though


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