# Question for the nice women on here



## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Hello ladies. 

I am just questioning alot of things about... "things" in general. Lets just say im in a particular kind of mood. i hope you can help me in answering them. Yes, it is serious.


To you, are relationships a thing of the past? What about marriages?

I understand that now, there are LOADS of definitions of what a relationship is and makes it so frustrating and confusing. But really from where I come from or how I was brought up, a relationship is meant between 2 people (in this case man and women) who are boyfriend/girlfriend who support each other, are there for one another, who enjoy going out together and do activities together and so on.
To build a life together in some way. To be commited to one another (and ideally not cheat!)

Do you still believe in this or is this a thing of the past now? How many of you are in this type of relationship? How long have you been in it and what are your thoughts about it?

Thank you


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh boy... Well, I would say I am old fashioned about this. I have been married to my husband 12 years (tomorrow). We have had our ups and downs, for sure. But we love each other, and believe in the commitment we made to each other. I don't believe marriage is a thing of the past, and neither does he.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Since I am a heterosexual, yes, I have been in heterosexual relationships since I started making out in the backseat of a car at the age of 14.

I can only speak for myself. It is none of my business, quite honestly, as to other's sexual preferences. I have a cousin I love dearly, who has been in a partnership with the same man for 22 years.

Do I personally condone same-sex marriage? No. Do I come out and condemn same-sex marriage? No. I do not sit in a position of judgment. I love my cousin, always have, always will. He chose the homosexual lifestyle, after years of living with women. He just decided, at the age of 30, he wasn't really into women. His life. His choice.

I was married for too long to my husband. We are still married, but as soon as I have the funds, I intend to divorce him. He has no desire to divorce me. Why? Because to do so would rob him of his "Mr. Nice Guy" facade and his victim mentality. Whatever.

I believe in the institution of marriage. Yes, there are far more divorces today, but 100 years ago, it was almost impossible for people to get divorced. Not to say they didn't, but the laws made it very difficult. Women did not even have the right to vote, let alone instigate a divorce action.

We, as a society, seem to expect life to meet our expectations. It rarely does. Our dreams get smashed, our kids get wacked out on drugs and/or booze, our spouses turn out to be royal jerks, our dream job turns into a nightmare ... and on and on it goes.

But, yeah, I believe in the institution of marriage and the sanctity of said institution. Therein lies my problem ... hubs failed to comprehend what serious business marriage really is.

And marriage IS serious business.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

relationships - I believe you are referring to the romantic type.

Yes, I believe in relationships. They are hard work... the longer the relationship is, the more trials... But yet, the more trials you both have overcome!

My hubs & I are married 22 years now. Yes, there's been rocky times. Yes, we still get on each others nerves... but Also YES, we have a new-found relationship headquarters in our hearts and know that we are better because of the talks & working out problems that we've been doing more of lately.

He has to put up with a lot from me... and he still does, after all this time. So, I'd say he believes in relationships too!


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you both. And happy anniversary to you Maricha75 

Prodigal - sorry that you are aiming for the divorce and I wont ask why as its too personal. I do agree, divorce rates are very high these days however I also believe that the very little who get married do get divorced very quickly for very silly/petty things and it is, personally, wrong. they dont even try etc...


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh! I think I mis-understood the question.

I think romantic relationships exist between two people who care about each other, support each other, are attracted to each other and are committed to working out problems together.

They can be same sex, or traditional male/female. Both are relationships that I "believe in".


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks for your response Chelle D. You got it right the first time, and thereafter 
yes, I always believed and said to MANY people that relationships take work but they dont have to be difficult. Dont make it difficult for no reason but naturally there are challenges and both have got to help each other overcome them and become stronger.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So is this another homosexual relationship vs heterosexual relationship debate thread? I'm not meaning to come across as rude when asking this question but it just seems like this might be what the issue is here?


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

no - not AT ALL. sorry, I should have made it clear. I wasnt referring to man and man or woman and woman is bad. I just meant in my own scenario/context.

I have nothing against homosexuals at all. I have a best friend who is a homosexual and we get along great 

The purpose of this thread is for me. I just want to know if people still believe in relationships and marriages and if it is an old thing that has died


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

In my opinion a committed relationship is a still a thing of the PRESENT (hopefully not something that can be categorized as "extinct" or thing of the past). 

I see lot of committed couple who care for each other, support each other and trust each other. Of course not all relationships are that way and it depends on both partners. That is my perception, however my perception is based out the people I know and have come across, which is a very small percentage of the world population... so I don't know if I am qualified to comment on the bigger picture


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks eowyn. I appreciate that. 
you mention that you see alot of commited couples who care for each other, support each other and trust each other. Can you kindly take me to that place?  

are you not involved with anyone? Have you ever been involved in such a relationship? (I hope you dont mind me asking). what was your experience like?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lostandfound2012 said:


> I just want to know if people still believe in relationships and marriages and if it is an old thing that has died


I blame this on that juju woman. Yes I strongly believe in COMMITTED relationships and marriages between JUST two people. It does seem as if not to many people are really taking it seriously nowadays though.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

yes exactly Gaia. thanks


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I believe in love and romance and marriage. Been together 25 years, married 22.

I love that i have this one special person in my life who knows me better than anyone else (and I know him in the same way)

We have seen each other at our best and worst and all the bits in between.

I get butterflies in my tum when i hear his wagon come up the driveway at the end of the day and I always stop what I'm doing and go to meet him at the front steps... I let him know how glad I am that he is home.

But as said above marriage can only work if you make good choices in partners and then you both decided to be the best spouses you can be... for life.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

That is a wonderful thing to hear waiwera. im glad you shared that. that is really sweet what you do when he pulles into the driveway. 

I really wish there were more people like this today. And i think thats the problem with me. I was born at the wrong time (I feel at times). As we know society is changing and i wish it was for the better but I think we can all agree that it is not as "nice" or "friendly" as what it once was especially when it comes to relationships. Well, my experience and view.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

LOL .... we're so conceited! Look at all the responders who think they are "nice women" .


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

haha.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lostandfound2012 said:


> Thanks eowyn. I appreciate that.
> you mention that you see alot of commited couples who care for each other, support each other and trust each other. Can you kindly take me to that place?
> 
> are you not involved with anyone? Have you ever been involved in such a relationship? (I hope you dont mind me asking). what was your experience like?


I am married and we (me and my husband) are committed to our relationship. We do have our differences and occasional arguments, fights etc. But that is trivial stuff. 

As for the other people I mention, I mainly refer to my parents, my brother, cousins, handful of my close friends and colleagues. Most of the people I know in my circle are happily married, or in a committed relationship.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks! well good on you for getting married. 

hmm. where are these women when you are trying to find them??


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> Hello ladies.
> 
> I am just questioning alot of things about... "things" in general. Lets just say im in a particular kind of mood. i hope you can help me in answering them. Yes, it is serious.
> 
> ...


I agree with that. My guy and I were like that, totally. Now I am not sure where it will end up. Brain hemorrhages and comas are odd things. Nobody expects them but they do happen, my guess is that they are never convenient and so I take things day by day. It's a spiritual path, I was on a true path when all this happened so I am taking it in stride, a learning thing. I supported him physically until he got transferred away by his sister-guardian who had no concern for me or the relationship. We have a plan but whether he is ultimately able to stick to his end of it who can be sure. It's not like I was planning to fall for him in the first place, it just happened and it was the same thing from his perspective. He has a lot of challenges and it's kind of clear to me that even before he had his brain hemorrhage he had a lot of challenges, which is maybe why he had his brain hemorrhage. He kept a lot to himself. Not saying that his injury was a good thing, but it was on his path. I only kept it from killing him, and just barely. That was a learning experience in itself, I should have listened to my gut a bit better, maybe his injury wouldn't have been so severe. But since it all happened on a path with true, righteous intent, it is what it is. 

Relationships. You think you can frame them according to your intent and definition and by participating in them you have total control, that if you are in love and respect each other then all will be well. That's false thinking. The universe will always have something to teach you. When you love is strong, the potential for suffering and pain and transformation through that is also strong. 

But yes, having a friend who is also a lover and an intended spouse. Sure, of course it is worth having. If you have that feeling for someone, go for it. But if you don't, let it go.
No amount of 'doing things right' will suffice for the true feeling.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> LOL .... we're so conceited! Look at all the responders who think they are "nice women" .


HEY! I'm nice.....

Until someone really irritates me!


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## happymrs (May 1, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 27 years, married for 25. 

For alot of years we were good friends. Marriage was mediocre. 
About two years ago something changed. It was probably the kids beginning to move out. Maybe it was seeing so many couples together for about the same amount of time calling it quits. Whatever it was, we decided that something needed to change. 

What you said in your original post about supporting each other, there for one another, enjoying going out together and do activities together and so on, that's my husband and I now. We did things together most of the time mainly because it involved the kids(even some of our anniversay dinners were with the children in tow), but now we do things together just the two of us. We picked up new hobbies and activities within the past couple of years that we never did with the kids, they are for us. Very rarely do you see one of us without the other. Even when he works the weekends, I go with him (he drives truck.) 

My heart races a bit when I know he is on his way home from work. We talk or text with each other all day long. The dance never stops. 

The communication between us is higher than it has ever been since we've known one another and we both feel like newlyweds. We look forward to the next 25+ years of marriage together and work together proactively to keep our relationship thriving. We are committed to one another completely. 

Are relationships a thing of the past? No, they never will be, nor will marriages. But I believe that people need to be committed, willing to step out of their comfort zones for one another. I'm not saying all. I am very saddened when I hear about one partner who is still invested while the other seems to be able to walk away callously. I cannot even imagine the pain. The committment needs to be mutual.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks for that.

I think from what i gather here, these are the rare women who knows what a marriage is, how it works and what commitment is. something I personally value so much and admire. I think that people like you happymrs should be set as a role model. 

unfortunately when comparing to todays society, it REALLY hurts me how people are, how they act and behave and so on. Its one of many reasons why I started this thread in the first place. 

today, if you were to text each other all day - the other one usually thinks its "psycho" or "wierd" or "too full on" - so many excuses and drama, it baffles me. I just wish the "old" times, if you will, still existed and more "accessible" if that makes sense (more common).


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thanks! well good on you for getting married.
> 
> hmm. where are these women when you are trying to find them??


Never looked around for women  I can tell you how I found my husband. Ours was a love/arranged marriage. By that I mean, I was looking at proposals suggested by my parents, relatives, matrimony website etc. followed by few lunch (formal) dates. No pressure from family etc to accept any proposal. I was looking for around 5yrs till I finally met my husband. We went out for dates for couple of months and then decided to tie the knot. So it was not a typical arranged marriage, but not dating either. 

I checked out some of your other posts lostandfound2012. I know you are looking for the right girl  One thing I would like to tell you in that context... I was looking for the right person for around 5yrs during which time I met many wrong people. By 'wrong people' I dont mean they were bad, just that not compatible with me. My advice to you is that even though you might come across few girls who might not have been compatible with you or might not have treated you well, do not form a negative perception about majority of the women, also dont get bitter inside due to that. If you keep focusing on that, you will come across more women of that kind.

On the other hand if you build a positive perspective about women in general and confidence that you will indeed find some who will value you and whom you can happily settle down with, then you might infact find your dreamgirl sooner than you might expect. Positive thoughts can be very instrumental in helping you achieve your goals.

just my 2cents


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks. I appreciate that. unfortunately its more to it than that. and yes I do have that "bad perception" but not my fault and especially what ive been through in the past leaves a bad mark and something you cannot forget or scrub out. 

i never get a chance to meet anyone at all. because of how todays society is and that im not "hot" or anything.... but have alot to give inside and i just dont fit at all in society. i think after a long time of trying to do this, that and the other, going all out etc.... you just are at a complete dead end and it gets worse.

anyway, its complicated and I cannot explain because no one seems to really understand but straight away comes up with cliches or blames "me" without real understanding or perception.

anyway, its good to know that you all have someone and are devoted. I guess in the life after, is the only time I know I *may* have a chance.... who knows but ill wait until then. God knows how much waiting ive done!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thanks! well good on you for getting married.
> 
> hmm. where are these women when you are trying to find them??


Where are you looking for women who want a relationship and marriage?

Also how old are you? (age does have a lot to do with this)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> i never get a chance to meet anyone at all. because of how todays society is and that im not "hot" or anything.... but have alot to give inside and i just dont fit at all in society. i think after a long time of trying to do this, that and the other, going all out etc.... you just are at a complete dead end and it gets worse.
> 
> anyway, its complicated and I cannot explain because no one seems to really understand but straight away comes up with cliches or blames "me" without real understanding or perception.
> 
> anyway, its good to know that you all have someone and are devoted. I guess in the life after, is the only time I know I *may* have a chance.... who knows but ill wait until then. God knows how much waiting ive done.


 Why don't you get to meet anyone Lost & Found? How many years have your been "trying" to find that special someone? Have you had any GF's...how generally does this play out....can you get on the playing field ...do you make it to 1st base? ......what happens?

There is alot of people who are not considered HOT who have a hell of alot to give, I think those who are hot are in & out of too many bedrooms & backseats of cars anyway...that is what you will generally find .....cause they have a mega load of pressuring opportunity & temptation...and with society's morals today, this ain't helping matters. 

You sound like someone who is introverted, down on themselves due to past experiences...but yet very romantic at heart..you crave to find that someone special in your life. 

Am I right ? And society all seems to be running towards the beautiful, the rich, the alpha....you feel you missed the bus somehow, you are discouraged. 


What are you involved in?.. what are you hobbies? start there....Do you have friends? Call me an old fashioned Romanticist, but I believe there is someone for everyone ...if we want it bad enough, if we are willing to work on ourselves to be the BEST we can possibly be --and believe we have alot to give, and are worthy to be loved in return. ....and you'll have to put yourself out there...just be careful to watch for the women's cues. 

It is not only the wealthy & HOT who have happy marriages, infact I would even go so far as to say statistically there's are the worse! Look at Hollywood! 

To find another who has similar hopes & dreams and wants in life as yourself.. Have you tried the Dating Websites... in this day & age, there are more singles than ever before with hungry hearts. Women are so expecting men to be prowling for sex and nothing more...if you are not doing this...this should be a plus.

Then it wouldn't hurt for you to get the Book "No more Mr nice Guy" ....read it carefully and learn where you are missing it 
& see if you fall into any of the traps of suckering up to women....which leads them to see such men as "weak" somehow, less backbone.... Women are attracted to "confidence", some charisma....Looks can take a back seat to this many times. 

A website devoted to these things here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks. its difficult to explain as no one wants to listen or understand. so im not really going to go into that as to be frank, it hurts trying to even write it all down.

im not a guy who plays games or is a "bad boy" or anything like this. im just me. I also believe in improving yourself for the better (im very professional also and part of the company I work for is all about this - self improvement) but there is only so much you can do to improve yourself and really, others say that it totally is not my "fault" in any shape or form. its just how todays society is that is causing the "problem", but of course that wont change....

...ive tried MANY dating sites over the last 6 years, wasted alot of money and got only 2 dates from it. yes, literaly 2 dates. What happened? They were just wanting to be "spoiled" for the evening because they were bored and the other "preferred" person wasnt available. And they serial date, which personally I dont like.

so yes, ive been single for a total of 7 consecutive years. im not a person that does all these one night stands, FB's and all the demeaning things. that just is not me. im cultured, have a strong upbringing and background and have strong ethics and morals. i just dont "fit in". 

its another reason for asking the original question. I *know* what makes a relationship work due to experience and observations and using common sense but today, that does not exist - at least where I reside. 

ok.... back to work for me 

Anymore posts from women are welcome in regards to relationships or marriages being a thing of the past?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I am a betrayed spouse. 

Yes. What you describe is what I expect of an exclusive relationship and definitely a marriage. 

My cheater husband's OW had a husband that thinks like you, too. He is kind and sweet and buys her anything her heart desire's, yet she cheated on him. 

I am the type of wife who always watched my spending and saved for our future and put my husbands goals first, my husband cheated on me. 

I am at the same place you are, wondering if there are any other people who think like me. 

At this point, I just want to be alone. I do not want to date or remarry, when I divorce my cheater.

Still, stats show that only 40 to 50 percent of spouses cheat...that means that there are an least 50 to 60 percent who would never cheat.

BTW: the reason my husband gave for cheating was that I am intellectual and his OW was fun. 

Well than why does he still want to stay married to me. IMO, it's because the OW just wants to have fun and when my cheater is no longer fun to her, he knows, she will cheat on him.

IMO, they deserve each other

Lastly, when I was single, I never dated because I was bored. I would only date people I could actually see as a potential long term partner. 

I did however have many friends who dated just to be taken out an entertained even though they were not even vaguely attracted to the poor guy.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your betrayal and cheating. its awful. I dont get why people do this at all but there is far too much of this happening today and its "acceptable" apperently. Well, not in my world.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I think a lot of people are looking for someone to love & want an old-fashioned relationship. Why it's so hard to find each other, I don't know. Maybe b/c we're all so busy today, we don't connect as much? 

My nice girlness was used against me- made it easier for my H to cheat, & he's now been living w/his OW for the last year. Despite that, I still think love & commitment exist (@ least I hope they do  ).

I'm lonely & have been ready to move on, but I've decided to not focus on finding a guy. I remember, b/f I met my H, wanting so badly to meet a good guy. Back then, boys just wanted to be friends w/me or have sex w/me. When I stopped looking was when I met someone. I've heard a lot of other people say that, too. Maybe when we decide to just be single, we unexpectedly find love.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do w/what you were asking.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> Prodigal - sorry that you are aiming for the divorce and I wont ask why as its too personal.


Actually, I don't find it personal to ask. I believe most people know some of my background anyway. I married a man who was very nice. Everyone was absolutely crazy about him. "Nice guy" came to mind when everyone throught of C.

After we got married Mr. Nice decided to exit, stage left, and became Mr. Moody/Abusive/Alcoholic. What had been party-type drinking turned into three-week benders, trouble with the law, trouble with employers, and eventually the loss of his job.

When he drank his way out of a very good job, I packed up, walked out, and haven't seen him since; almost three years.

So "nice" to me is a subjective term. My husband's best friend's mom told me a month before the wedding: "Honey, you're getting one of the good ones." That is how good he was at putting on the appearance of being Mr. Wonderful.

I ended up being considered the bad, evil one for leaving, but I maintain that other people's opinions of me aren't really my business.

I hope you find someone. Online dating is a crap shoot. Lots of people misrepresent themselves. I tried it years ago, and had a number of dates with guys who weren't my cup of tea; and I'm saying that politely.

How about hobbies? Many people meet through clubs in my area. I lived in Annapolis for many years, and there were sailing clubs, sailing schools for those who wanted to learn, and a huge jogging club. Hiking and biking are big in the area where I now live. It's a good way to hook up with lots of people.

And, yes, I believe that people find true love and have good, solid marriages. I didn't end up in that situation, but I still hold marriage in high regard.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Sure I understand. unfortunately the term "nice" people have made it twisted and a different meaning. I know I am nice. as in the good old fashioned meaning of the word nice, not the twisted meaning. and therefore given todays society.... i just dont fit. 

but still, its good that you regard marriage as a highly valuable, and important, thing.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

*sigh*. I need a hug. 

I hope all you women who are involved with someone are enjoying the day/evening/night today and are doing something nice with one another.


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

I believe in committed relationships, and they do exist. I had a very bad marriage and brought a lot of icky baggage, my husband and I worked through it. We have had serious illnesses, both of us, gigantic financial problems, serious family issues. The one thing that kept us both going and sane was knowing, with every fiber of our being, that the other one would always be there, no matter what, and even our relationship needed attention, we knew we would work through it. It is a feeling and an attitude I do not take for granted. My husband had some strokes that affected his emotional centers in his brain, and shortly after that, told me to move along. Then he would recant. Then would say it again. This was repeate over and over for months. At this point he has stabilized, and says he wants to stay married, but I know the commitment that he once has is gone forever. The foundation upon which we built our life has crumbled to the ground. I do not expect to ever have that much trust in him ever again, it hurt too deep too many times for too long. I am still here, because I love him enough to try to get past all of the agony he caused, some of it knowingly and some not. I don't know how it will all turn out, but yes, there are truly committed people out there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My answer can be found here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/47161-ode-east-coast-girl.html


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