# Divorce Consultation Advice



## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Hello TAMers, I need some good advice. I have reached the point where I don't believe there is anything that can be done to make my marriage prosper. Sure, I could stick it out, but it sucks. No sex. No attention. Wife is absorbed with her career and what little time she leave goes to the kids. I'm the roommate. But not for much longer. 

I have an appt on Monday with a divorce attorney. It's a 1 hour consultation. What questions do I need to ask? What info do I need to be prepared to give? What should I make sure to know before I leave? I have some questions, but I'm certain there are things I'm not thinking about. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For an initial 1 hour consolation there is not really anything to prepare. The lawyer will tell you what he/she needs if you are going to have him/her file for you.

Take the questions you have and do google searches on them for your state. Read several sites on each topic.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Tell your laywer whether or not you think she will fight the divorce as compared to it being something you both want.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Shake, sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Were I to find myself in your situation, I would want to know the following-

Timelines- how quick will an uncontested divorce go. How long could a contested one take, in a reasonably-worst case type scenario.

How much will each cost you, legally.

How much will you owe in child support and alimony, and for how long.

What division of major assets will be expected.

What division of outstanding debts will be expected.


In order to get the financial questions answered, take along 3 months worth of current paychecks, and 3 years worth of tax returns, showing your income over time, as well as total household income, from any job your wife has. Also a mortgage statement for the house, and any monthly notes and bills you have for cars and credit cards or other revolving credit. Almost forgot 3 months of bank statements too, for each account.

Lots of states require a parenting class for couples going through divorce. Your state may require this, or other types of service / education. Not a big deal, but worth knowing you'll have to do.

Please keep in mind that women can be almost as dense as men about things. Your wife may be completely surprised to receive divorce papers, and may realize at that point that you were actually serious about the lack of intimacy.

If that turns out to be the case (and I hope it does), well, the lawyer can also give you some options here. I would recommend that you have a good marriage counselor picked out, and know how much some intensive counseling for the both of you will cost.

You will need concrete goals, if you go this route. No "I just want moar attention." It has to be specifics,like "We must have a romantic dinner just the two of us, once a month."

I would also recommend that you have a good maid service lined up, to free up some of your wife's time, and a good babysitting service also lined up, so that if you two pursue a reconciliation, you both have the time to do it, with just the two of you.

A neglected relationship is easier to repair than an abusive one.

I hope this helps, and that things get better for you whichever way you end up going!


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Tell your laywer whether or not you think she will fight the divorce as compared to it being something you both want.


I don't expect a fight. She hasn't wanted to be married for several years. I've been the one fighting to keep it alive. She's told me several times over the years that "If I want to leave, then leave".


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

NotLikeYou said:


> How much will you owe in child support and alimony, and for how long.


This is one of my main questions. She make 3x what I make, and had an affair. Seems to me that if I wanted to pursue it, I could get alimony from her. I don't think I'd pursue that, but it's part of the puzzle. 



> What division of major assets will be expected.


We don't have much other than a house, 2 cars, a rather small savings, and a few low balance credit cards. 



> In order to get the financial questions answered, take along 3 months worth of current paychecks, and 3 years worth of tax returns, showing your income over time, as well as total household income, from any job your wife has. Also a mortgage statement for the house, and any monthly notes and bills you have for cars and credit cards or other revolving credit. Almost forgot 3 months of bank statements too, for each account.


Good idea. Didn't think of that. 



> I would recommend that you have a good marriage counselor picked out, and know how much some intensive counseling for the both of you will cost.


I'm not really interested in counseling. No counselor can make my wife want me. 



> A neglected relationship is easier to repair than an abusive one.


What does 18 years of rejecting me for sex fall under? I'd be willing to wager money that in our marriage, she's said "no" to sex more times than she's been receptive.


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## Wandering (Apr 12, 2015)

Just want to say good luck. Be strong and I hope one day I have the courage to do the same.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Shake_It_Up said:


> This is one of my main questions. She make 3x what I make, and had an affair. Seems to me that if I wanted to pursue it, I could get alimony from her. I don't think I'd pursue that, but it's part of the puzzle.
> 
> I'm not really interested in counseling. No counselor can make my wife want me.
> 
> What does 18 years of rejecting me for sex fall under? I'd be willing to wager money that in our marriage, she's said "no" to sex more times than she's been receptive.


Shake- I must have missed those details! I was not aware that your wife cheated on you. And 18 years of rejecting you for sex would fall into the category of abuse, except that, well, you put up with it.

In light of this new knowledge, I'd say you can forget about reconciliation, so skip the counselor, maid, and baby sitter, and get out while you can!

If I were on the receiving end of what you have taken, I wouldn't be taking spousal support off the table at the get-go.....

Good luck- I have to think that you will be a better person when you get to the other side of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago was your wife's affair?


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago was your wife's affair?


8 years. We never recovered...... I did, but she didn't. She's been disinterested in anything beyond being a good roommate for a long time.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

NotLikeYou said:


> Shake- I must have missed those details! I was not aware that your wife cheated on you. And 18 years of rejecting you for sex would fall into the category of abuse, except that, well, you put up with it.
> 
> In light of this new knowledge, I'd say you can forget about reconciliation, so skip the counselor, maid, and baby sitter, and get out while you can!
> 
> ...


Yeah, that was a pretty important piece of the puzzle. I'm not sure what difference it makes that I put up with it. Women stay with physically abusive men all the time. Would you tell them "except you put up with it...". Not sure what difference it makes. If anything, I look like I've done everything I can by continuing to be married through all this garbage. Nobody can deny that.

The crazy part is that I've been nothing but a prince to her for the past few years. I did all I think I can do to get her to fall in love with me again, but it just didn't work. She just isn't in to me any more. It is what it is.


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Shake it up... I'm in a very similar position to you when it comes to 'lack of love'. I'll be watching your posts to see how things go... Good Luck!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to make sure that you get alimony and child support, assuming you get your kids 50/50. If you don't, your standard of living is going to drop dramatically.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> you need to make sure that you get alimony and child support, assuming you get your kids 50/50. If you don't, your standard of living is going to drop dramatically.


Honestly, we don't live like people that make 200K a year. We have an average 3/2 home, average cars(toyotas), and don't really indulge in anything other than eating out way too much. Much of our money goes to our kids private school tuitions and a nice vacation once per year. Other than that, my wife dresses very well and has plenty of shoes. LOL I don't mind living fairly modestly. Then again, if I can meet a woman with HD, and who has a good job, I'm gonna hold on like grim death! :rofl:


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Nobody ever expects a divorce fight. Until the first disagreement surfaces. Then its a fight. Dont waste time or money trying to fight for something you are not entitled to under divorce law.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

toonaive said:


> Nobody ever expects a divorce fight. Until the first disagreement surfaces. Then its a fight. Dont waste time or money trying to fight for something you are not entitled to under divorce law.


OP - you really need to consider this post. Not saying you will need to fight for $, but you need consider the possibility that you will...


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

toonaive said:


> Nobody ever expects a divorce fight. Until the first disagreement surfaces. Then its a fight. Dont waste time or money trying to fight for something you are not entitled to under divorce law.


Honestly, aside from 50/50 custody, I don't have much I would really fight for. And I have no reason to think she would fight against the custody.I have no doubt that she'll accept the divorce papers and sign whatever she needs to sign to move on. Then I can go find someone who will treat me right. Is that too much to ask for?  And BJ's. That'll be on the applications for future prospects.:rofl:



naiveonedave said:


> OP - you really need to consider this post. Not saying you will need to fight for $, but you need consider the possibility that you will...


Ok, so by "consider the possibility", you mean be prepared, just in case? If so, then yes. I will be prepared. But like I said above, I'm not looking for a fight. But if I have to, I will.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Had a conversation with my wife last night about something that needed to be addressed. During the conversation she said "why don't you just go get the papers written up tomorrow and I'll sign them". This morning she took off her wedding ring and left it on my side of the sink.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Shake_It_Up said:


> Had a conversation with my wife last night about something that needed to be addressed. During the conversation she said "why don't you just go get the papers written up tomorrow and I'll sign them". This morning she took off her wedding ring and left it on my side of the sink.


Wow. She is really done.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well this is a good thing I guess
Sell her ring and use it for the retainer fee.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Make sure the lawyer has experience with tough cases.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> Make sure the lawyer has experience with tough cases.


I don't know that it will be a tough case. She wants out. There's not much to fight about. I could be wrong, but unless I make absurd requests/demands, I would expect her to want to make the process as short as possible.

This is not the first time she has told me "if you're not happy, leave". But leaving the ring on the sink is definitely more extreme than anything she's done before. I also had a book I recently purchased about relationships, and she tore it to pieces this morning and threw it in the trash.

When I voice dissatisfaction with anything, she has an "oh well" attitude. Never once has she EVER said "I didn't know that was a problem, but I'll do everything I can to make sure to change". That's pretty much the way things go.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Shake It Up:

Sorry things have turned in this direction. 

Work on keeping your stress levels down. Take care of yourself, it is a draining process.

Good luck going forward it seems like this was a long time coming for both of you. Good for you taking the initiative and getting out.

Life is short, too short to be miserable.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Shake_It_Up said:


> I don't know that it will be a tough case. She wants out. There's not much to fight about. I could be wrong, but unless I make absurd requests/demands, I would expect her to want to make the process as short as possible.
> 
> This is not the first time she has told me "if you're not happy, leave". But leaving the ring on the sink is definitely more extreme than anything she's done before. I also had a book I recently purchased about relationships, and she tore it to pieces this morning and threw it in the trash.
> 
> When I voice dissatisfaction with anything, she has an "oh well" attitude. Never once has she EVER said "I didn't know that was a problem, but I'll do everything I can to make sure to change". That's pretty much the way things go.


What is it about them leaving their rings? Mine did the same thing.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

toonaive said:


> What is it about them leaving their rings? Mine did the same thing.


No idea... But I left it there on the bathroom counter on purpose, knowing that the maid comes today. It may end up getting "accidentally knocked in to the trash".


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

toonaive said:


> Nobody ever expects a divorce fight.


That's a joke right?


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

So I met with another attorney this morning. He printed out the info that he needs me to fill out in order for him to file the papers for me. From the day he files, there's a 60 day dead period where nothing can happen. He said it's designed to give a couple a chance to fix things before finalizing it. Not sure my wife thought I would actually go through with it. Very curious to see how she reacts. Could it be a wake up call or will she give me the middle finger and be happy to get rid of me. I'm voting on the latter.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

shake....no sex no love, no interest in the marriage....hell with it ...ask for alimony.....what do you have to lose...I bet you that she suddenly gets interested in the marriage..again what do you have to lose.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Now that I'm filling out the paperwork, this is getting so real. Honestly, I don't want this. But I also know that what I want isn't an option either. I've spent 18 years getting rejected for sex. I've been told countless times by my wife that "I just don't need sex. I don't think about it." It just sucks the life out of me. She hasn't worn her wedding ring since Tuesday. This just sucks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shake_It_Up said:


> 8 years. We never recovered...... I did, but she didn't. She's been disinterested in anything beyond being a good roommate for a long time.


Then her affair will not affect the outcome of the divorce no matter what state you live in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shake_It_Up said:


> Yeah, that was a pretty important piece of the puzzle. I'm not sure what difference it makes that I put up with it. Women stay with physically abusive men all the time. Would you tell them "except you put up with it...". Not sure what difference it makes. If anything, I look like I've done everything I can by continuing to be married through all this garbage. Nobody can deny that.
> 
> The crazy part is that I've been nothing but a prince to her for the past few years. I did all I think I can do to get her to fall in love with me again, but it just didn't work. She just isn't in to me any more. It is what it is.


Her affair will not count, even in states that have fault divorce because you stayed with her for 8 years. According to family law, that means that you accepted her back and forgave her.

The abuse of her withhold sex does not count. 

I was married to a man who withheld all sex and was also physically and emotionally abusive. The judge had the divorce papers sealed because of me bringing that up in the divorce. Why? Because there was no long history of police calls, convictions for domestic violence, etc. It was basically my word against his. 

So you down to the alimony laws in your state based on length of marriage and what they consider the guidelines for alimony based on your income, her income and how long you have been married. 

In some states you would get something, in others you can be married for 20/30 years as if you earn minimum wage you (male or female) would not get a dime.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Her affair will not count, even in states that have fault divorce because you stayed with her for 8 years. According to family law, that means that you accepted her back and forgave her.
> 
> The abuse of her withhold sex does not count.
> 
> ...


I'm not looking to get anything out of what you just mentioned. I don't want alimony and in my state, the affair isn't going to be a factor in the divorce. The only thing that the affair will do is show everyone that she cheated and I forgave, then she gave up. I did all I could.... Her affair is not public, accept with a few counselors and very close friends. No family know about it, but that's all going to change...


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Shake_It_Up said:


> Now that I'm filling out the paperwork, this is getting so real. Honestly, I don't want this. But I also know that what I want isn't an option either. I've spent 18 years getting rejected for sex. I've been told countless times by my wife that "I just don't need sex. I don't think about it." It just sucks the life out of me. She hasn't worn her wedding ring since Tuesday. This just sucks!


If you're halfway decent looking and can carry a conversation, then once you're single and dating you won't be rejected for sex.

There will be a lot of sucking but not the bad kind.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> If you're halfway decent looking and can carry a conversation, then once you're single and dating you won't be rejected for sex.
> 
> There will be a lot of sucking but not the bad kind.


I'm not the least bit concerned about that. I catch women eyeing me all the time. I know I can pull wool when the time comes.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Shake_It_Up said:


> I'm not the least bit concerned about that. I catch women eyeing me all the time. I know I can pull wool when the time comes.


I prefer clean shaven myself.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> I prefer clean shaven myself.


Now you're talking!!!!!


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

You doing the right thing... it sounds like you've tried everything to keep her and try changing her mind, so you'll have no regrets.
I'm a few months behind you, but going down the same road.


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