# Help me kaylar! To tell or not to tell?



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Kaylar,
Thank you so much for adding your posts. You have given me incredible insight I've been searching for for a year now. 

I was in your earlier post: Dealing with Adultry, and crafted a plan in my head. 

But your recent post on "new advice..." has thrown me - about 'not letting them know what you know."

Here's the thing. I'm positive my H is done with his. But I very much believe he is a "B" and we'll hit this issue again. I can live my life working to 'keep him out of the cafe' and be ok with that, but I'd also like to do it with him knowing why I am. 

In other words, I wanted to basically share the last set of posts with him - including mine - so that he knows that I know his game. Basically, like I know his cigarette 'game' I know his cheating game. And if he really loves me - like I know he does - and want's to avoid the coffee shop - then he'll work with me to keep him out of there - with us being happy. Our sex life is way back on track, we are happy, I stroke his ego more than I did because I see his need for it. 

It seems like if I expose what he might not know that I know about him (and that he might not fully understand about himself) than our path together would be better... In other words: I know, so he can't lie to me. It would give me the upper hand?

Does this make sense? Or do I NOT share this truth and live my life with him as a spy - or else leave to seek truth and happiness elsewhere?

Your POV is extremely helpful.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

But the sex is great. The joy is great. Yes, he is treating me like a queen. And he even promised that if he ever felt the urge he would tell me so we could prevent it together. I honestly believe that he recognizes this about himself - and doesn't want to hurt me again. I do not accept it. He knows that. And our coupling is good. 

But your sense is that 
a dog is a dog. a cheater is a cheater. 
And if I confront him, he will only hide it better next time.

I'm processing. Again, happy at this point to keep him out of the cafe. But NOT putting up this again.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I know you didn't ask me, but I would like to venture that the awnser is that your life can never go back to what it was when he cheated. Has you life changed? Has his life changed? Does he now realize the danger that he invites by getting into provacative situations? These are important to being able to form trust again and let suspision go. After a traumatic event we are not the same person after as we were before. Do you believe this has been traumatic for him? If your lives have changed so that he no longer needs a coffee shop to be satisfied then he will never be there again. Don't ever give him that permission again.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Never lie to yourself with "Make believe it never happened"

Some disasters teach important lessons that enable us to build a stronger foundation than we thought possible before. It is alot like starting over, except that you had enough love for this person to join together before, and they are still the most important person in the world to you.

It is absolutely true that it is not easy, and that your entire lifestyle and world view must change, but if the stakes are high enough it is possible.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

This is all good. Very good. I need this.

I feel so unresolved from last year's betrayal. I'm one for closure. 

I feel I want to write him a letter and say "its the one year mark" and explain that I generally understand him to be a "B person" and that I flat out won't put up with it again. And that in time truth always comes out.

He did experience the possibility of losing me 2 times. The first time - when I didn't have his confession - but said I would not stand for being treated like he treated me, was right before we relocated. We had not closed and I flat out gave him the choice: change the way you treat me or I'm not moving with you. He left the room, I didn't know which way he was going to go, he re-entered crying and committing to changing things. 

I thought that was the wall. I thought that was the epiphany. In fact just weeks before I found out his most recent, I was giving advice - you know the experienced one who's been there - telling her how it works. Thinking 'been there, got through that, stronger, better, not looking back.' Only to find out weeks later he was lying to me while I was having that conversation!

He did breakdown the first time and I had every reason to believe he would not go back to that behavior. Fast forward 8 years. Opportunity knocked, he thought he could pull one over on me. Thought he deserved it for, you know, being the rock star he deserves to be. And at this point, since now he's the breadwinner (before I was) that I wouldn't go. 

Well, I'm not going yet. I'm stillINshock and figuring it out. But I will NEVER NEVER NEVER believe his promise again. He promised before. He flat out made this very painful decision to betray me again. Mind you, I think he honestly believes his promise. I do not think he's playing a game with me. I think he just has no ability to keep his word. I will work to keep him 'out of the cafe' by joining his fabulous life and paying a ****load for babysitters and daycare.

He may think "I am part of him" (He just said this yesterday - that I am part of him.) But in fact, no matter how much I love him, I will not let him be the part of me like he was. He lost that and will NEVER get it back. 

I will spend a while - days, months, years - deciding whether I stay or move on. Perhaps I wait for the better situation. I always say, if Leonardo DiCaprio decided he was in love with me and I was his life, well you know what... I just might. 

I am in shock that my life has come to this. Never, never never, never expected this. Always gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

I am healthy. I am not hungry. I will walk the second I ever learn that he does this to me again - come hell or high water.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I personally from my own experiance will never underestimate my wifes capability for deception, but I will love her anyways.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I hear you Gomez. But I also know that if deceived again, I am worth more than having to put up with the pain.

Fool me once, your bad.
Fool me twice, my bad.
Fool me three times, Good Bye.

I sat on top of quiet mountains and breathed deeply. There is love and life and happiness out there. If I feel it here - I'll stay. If I'm pushed down and battered emotionally again - I'm going to that mountain and NOT looking back.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I offered my wife a clean divorce, still friends, lets end this good if that is what she wanted. In the future if she comes to me and asks for that I will give it to her then too. While she is with me though I expect us both to live up to the promise we made.

I will never abandon her though no matter what she does. She is the mother of my children and I feel a responsibility to do what I can with what I have to keep her safe, and as stable as possible.

Perhaps I am wierd but when I had a legitimate reason to leave and feel justified I realized it would all be about my pride, but the effects it would have on my family could be devistating. My family is something real, but pride in a sack is worth an empty sack. I want to hold my family together. That is motivation enough for me to try like I never had before I seriously considered giving it up to try to punish the person I love.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

And this is where we come back to the origional post. It is the desire I have for her to fullfil that promise that I remind her of whenever I get the chance, and that kaylar has suggested you remain silent about. 

If I see my woman get flirty with a guy, I know she is being flirty befor she does. She is just a naturally social and talkative person. I call her on her flirting as soon as it happens, but I dont try to shame her in front of other people. I dont wait for something more to develop, I dont care if she tries to develope new stratagies because frankly I think I can win that cat and mouse game. I am trying to help her to learn how to not get herself into trouble again. I think thats what stillInshock should do too.

When you see your man start to get flirty call him on it, but dont start accuseing him of anything more. Discuss why he is acting like that and he will take a second look and come down off flirt autopilot. I can only hope that if I establish clear boundries when we are together that she will respect those boundries when we are not.

It is not the problems we face head on that consume us, its the ones we ignore and think will go away on thier own.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

You misinterpret the timing. I dont walk behind her, I just talk to her about it and let her know how I feel about it after we are back home. I dont prevent her from being unfaithful, I just let her know how what she does makes me feel. I also let her really know how guys take the things she says. I am not her master, I dont issue commands. I just express what I am feeling to her, especially if I get jelous. Have you never found that when you talk about something thats just rolling around in your head, it makes you see it for what it is instead of just imagining the worst or the best. This is a very different situation from the one you are describing. It is one of real transparancy and communication. What she does while I am not around I just have to have faith in.

I am talking about a method I put into practice where I can be honest with myself and with my spouse. Where I can forgive and trust again and still let her know when I feel wounded or threatened. What method are you advocating? To secretly compile data and keep score until the only interaction you think about with your spouse is survalliance? 

In point of fact I cannot say I am not fighting a losing battle, because I have realized that what failed once can fail again. But I can live, and am trying to help other to live in a way that doesn't spoil the future with the past. That way is communication. What do you use in you relationship? Do you have a relationship with another independant person? Kaylar you tell us alot about stories of other people, but not about personal successes or failures. If you are not in a serious, vulnerable, commited relationship your advice is kinda like sex tips from a virgin, logically and factually sound but lacking as a guide to success.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I just want to apologize to stillinshock for hijacking her thread. I think I have made my point as well as I can. I hope she finds happiness.


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