# Wife doesn't like female 'work' partner of mine



## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

I have been happily married for almost six years. My wife and I have been together for a total of eight.

I make a living performing. While it's usually something pretty rough and tumble. I've also been doing some partner aerial work for the past 5 years.

I have a strong background in gymnastics & cheer stunting. I recently met a girl while performing that, also, has a strong gymnastics background and we began experimenting with hand balancing and partner acro.... we're actually half way decent and have sought out further coaching & choreography to put together an act.

My wife, while tolerant of this, has showed plenty of signs of not being pleased by it. I understand why my wife could 'feel' threatened by this girl (we will call her Sue). Sue just graduated college, is tiny (I have to balance, lift, throw her), and she's pretty.

As much as I love my wife, she's just not the build nor the athlete to be a dance/acro partner... or she would be my first choice.

I was honest with my wife from the start and told her when I was going to rehearse with Sue. I've offered to introduce her to Sue. I've never been to Sue's home... she's never been to mine. We've never been to a meal, nor had drinks. We do text frequently, mainly about youtube video performances we've seen and trying to coordinate our next workout. I would definitely call us good friends.

How can I put my wife more at ease with this? I've tried to pay more attention to her. I, also, try to keep my conversations about my practices with Sue to the minimum... although it's hard because I do really enjoy the workouts.

My wife has after a glass or two of wine has expressed that she's not happy with the situation. And, we did have a disagreement the other day where she asked if I would ever "speak like that to Sue"

Anyways, I have to run, but any advice would be appreciated.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am not posting this to intentionally offend you, but damn, you're friggin' cheerleader and you're wondering why you wife has a problem?
Seriously, gymnastics and cheerleading are fine through college, but you need to get a real job and be a man.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Is "sue" by any chance single? This may play a factor in your wife being uncomfortable with her. Plus doing this gymnastic stuff you are in close contact/touching this other woman alot. So yeah personally I think i would have a problem with it too. I know I'm uncomfortable with my husbands single female friends he doesn't have too many but I keep a close eye on them. And once one of them does something that crosses that friend zone boundary they are done they have made their intentions known and can not be put back in the friend zone. I'm not listening to any excuses about it being just joking around etc friendship is just over at that point. 

Chances are there really isn't anything you can do to make her comfortable with this woman besides cutting off all contact with her and moving on to a new job/hobby


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry to stand up for myself for a quick second but my income places me in the top 1% US income bracket. Im also only 6 years away from full pention and union benefits...sorry folks...performing is what I do.

I gave up adagio (partner balancing) 5 years ago when my wife couldnt handle my previous partner. That I understood. The girl was a **** and frequently behaved in appropriately. I got her into a cirque du soleil show and now she travels the world....btw...I never did anything inappropriate with her. 

Sue is currently single and we create an intimate illusion, but its just an illusion. Sue is very respectful of my marriage. We are partners...nothing more nothing less. Take dancing with the stars for example. They partner up and sometimes create some pretty sexy dances. I dont believe anyone has yet left their spouse for their dwts partner.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hobby or job? Hobby, it's a no-brainer. Your wife didn't sign up for life only to find you enjoy throwing pretty little girls around for fun. So you stop. 

Job? That's a little different, but she still may not have signed up for life only to find out you need to throw around pretty little girls for your job.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

i would think that you need to get your wife & sue to meet. maybe if she could speak to her, your W will see that sue isn't a threat at all. maybe arrange for a dinner & ask sue to bring a date. 

this is your profession so obviously you need to make this arrangement work. however you can't do that at the expense of your W, so you need to find a medium between the two. 

maybe invite your W & kids (if you have them) to come to a rehearsal so that she can see what it's all about. i think that if your W felt more included in the routine she would feel less threatened. maybe ask her opinions on things, like costumes or specific parts of the routines etc. tell her that her opinion is the one you value the most, as you know that she will be most honest with you. maybe that'll set her mind at ease?

Sometimes you not speaking about practice & sue may be more annoying to your W cos it may look like you have something to hide. 

that's how i felt when my H started up a business with a friend of his (male). I felt a bit left out, cos suddenly they were looking at renting office spaces, flying off to conferences etc. & I felt like I'm normally the one who is supportive of him for everything but now John's opinion is more impt than mine. i understood that they were business partners but it would have been nice if he included me in some of the decision making, even if it was just to keep me in the loop. maybe this is how your W feels. cos like i said i felt a little jealous of my H's relationship with another man just cos I felt left out!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DanF said:


> I am not posting this to intentionally offend you, but damn, you're friggin' cheerleader and you're wondering why you wife has a problem?
> Seriously, gymnastics and cheerleading are fine through college, but you need to get a real job and be a man.



seriously?


what about this job makes him less of a man? I mean wow.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

now to Max

Max, it is good that you wish to demonstrate your transparency
I suggest you you allow your wife full access to your phone and texts.
I also suggest that you cut back on the "friendship" part and keep the working relationship as a working relationship. It is good that you won't see her outside of work but the constant texting is crossing the line of what makes your wife comfortable unless it is strictly work related.

Emotional affairs start this way all the time and then will build to physical affairs. I understand exactly why your wife would harbor such feelings right now.

I think a really good conversation about boundaries is in order, really listen to your wife and respect her wishes. Your wife is more important than your work partner, yes? So why make it an issue when you can use this opportunity to show how much you respect the boundaries of your marriage.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> seriously?
> 
> 
> what about this job makes him less of a man? I mean wow.


Seriously.

He's a cheerleader.
Or a dancer?
Gymnast?

There is dividing line for man jobs and wuss jobs.
My wife could never respect a professional cheerleader. maybe it's the Neanderthal coming out, but I just cannot imagine a man in this profession being respected by a woman.


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## shstrang98 (Oct 22, 2011)

Obviously not appropriate behavior... BUT if the tables were turned and your wife had male co-worker she wouldn't give a DAMN if you liked it or not; you would be expected to accept it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> I was honest with my wife from the start and told her when I was going to rehearse with Sue.


And your wife has been honest right back that she does not like it.


MaxPower said:


> We've never been to a meal, nor had drinks.


Will that always be true? I doubt it, especially if you ever take it on the road.


MaxPower said:


> We do text frequently, mainly about youtube video performances we've seen and trying to coordinate our next workout. I would definitely call us good friends.


So you ”text frequently” to a girl that you consider to be “pretty” and that you “call us good friends”, and you wonder why your wife has issues with it? What you are doing is the text book beginning of an emotional affair.

You have a career that put you at the upper 1% income without this OW. Once she becomes part of your career it will only be that much harder to drop her when you wife decided that she has had enough.


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## LittleLady25 (Nov 4, 2011)

I feel bad for your wife Max.........TBH, I really do. whatever it is hobby or job, she clearly doesnt have a part in it. You say 'sue' texts you regulalry about things you both share an interest in. Your wife must feel left out. Where I do feel its healthy for couples to have seperate interests, it is not healthy where one partner feels threatened by the other persons 'good firend' ...Really listen to your wife if your marriage means anything to you.


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

DanF said:


> Seriously.
> 
> He's a cheerleader.
> Or a dancer?
> ...


Really? I did not know this. I thought that men would measure themselves on if they went out and worked to provide money for their families, whatever the job. Not just the 'manly' ones. To me any man that has a job which puts food on the table is a man in my books.


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

DanF said:


> Seriously.
> 
> He's a cheerleader.
> Or a dancer?
> ...


Well.. the majority of my income comes from fighting and training others to fight/look competent in martial arts. Which is way easier than training people in gymnastics or acro/adagio. I am, for lack of a better term, an expert in motion and body mechanics. I do aerial and partner work because it's fun, interesting, complicated, and I get paid for it. You can say whatever you want about my 'man' status. 

A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women. There's slightly less turnover amongst the men I work with, but they tend to be young hot shots as well. My wife was well aware of all of this when we were dating.. it has never been any sort of secret. I chose my wife and I made vows to her. I make time for her and show her the attention and affection she deserves.

I'm frequently contracted to work with the women because:
1. I'm not creepy
2. I don't hit on them

Sue has been a pleasure because she also has a highly technical gymnastics background and can hold an intelligent conversation on topics with me that my wife cannot. While my wife and i have a lot of shared interests, conversation topics, and a lot of fun; It's like trying to discuss surgery with someone that isn't a surgeon. My wife has specialized knowledge on topics that I lack as well. I'm not saying she's beneath me by any stretch we are just specialized in different fields. I'm sure she has plenty of co-worker conversations and think tanks that she participates in where I'd be completely lost.

@TRy - I imagine at some point we will have a meal... but I don't drink so that's not an issue. If we did any sort of run with the show, it would only be limited to cirque guest performances a few times a month and maybe at most a 2 - 3 week run somewhere. Unfortunately, there's not enough money to justify making it any sort of cornerstone of my business. What I expect to happen is that we will train for 6 months... have another 6 months of shows off and on, and then she will want to travel with a cirque company and I won't... so she will find a new partner, or I'll train my replacement.

This all brings me full circle to what was my actual problem...

How do I make my wife more secure about the situation?

I'm not changing my profession & I have every intention of continuing to do partner work with Sue. I had stopped doing it years ago because my wife was insecure about the situation and I understood because of the girl that I was working with. It's still very fascinating for me and something I missed and wanted to work harder on.

The intricacy and difficulty of the performances are what make them interesting for me. I like technique and attention to detail. I like working with Sue because she's a nice girl and we're on the same page as far as what we are working towards. She's, also, just as much a perfectionist as I am.

Yes, she's attractive... but she can't NOT be for this type of act. She has the correct body proportions, strength, and flexibility.

My wife is insecure about the situation, which I don't quite get beyond Sue fits in a portion of my life that my wife knows she can't. Also, I don't keep many work related people that I would classify as friends or good friends. I usually keep my work and private life quite separate. However, this situation is slightly different than most of my other work so, I would think I'd get a little latitude since it does require closer collaboration.

No vagina is magical enough to make me cheat on my wife. I'm frequently around a lot of attractive women... I chose my wife & she chose me. I just want to make her more secure.... 

suggestions on how to make my wife more secure with the situation are welcome... 

thank you blissful & almostrecovered. I'll try to keep my texting on the straight and narrow. Sue is very open to meeting my wife and it will happen if and when my wife wants it to.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

i don't think it's up to any of us to judge what anyone does for a living. this a forum about marriage issues, let's try to help him with that. 

i'm still of the opinion that if you try to inc your wife in certain aspects of your work- the one's that don't require a huge amt of technical knowledge, just simple stuff like what's your opinion on xyz, then you'll at least get her to a place where she feels part of that aspect of your life. The mistake my H made was that he informed me of decisions rather than consulted with me- it's only a few words different in the conversation but it changes the tone dramatically. if you start to do that then your wife will probably be more likely to agree to dinner


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DanF said:


> Seriously.
> 
> He's a cheerleader.
> Or a dancer?
> ...


all three require gobs of talent to be successful and are incredibly attractive to women, look at how much Baryshnikov was swooned after by women

in fact I guarantee the man is in incredible physical shape and puts the majority of those in what you deem "manly" professions to shame with their beer bellies


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MaxPower said:


> A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women.


How's that part working out for you at home?

I have no doubt that you are in top physical condition and if you make a fortune at it, then great.

Obviously your wife is uncomfortable with the hot women that you work with. So which do you want more, the job or the wife?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

max,

I will point out that if your wife came here instead and posted that her husband works physically close to an attractive female and they text each other frequently outside of work, I would be advising her to get spyware on the phone, install a keylogger and put a VAR in your car

I know that sounds extreme to you because you have no intentions of cheating

and to her side of things there are what we call "red flags"



but most people who end up in affairs never had the intention


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Dan's using a hammer instead of a scalpol to make an incision but I get what he's trying to say...even though I dont agree.

This is no different from a wife or husband who doesn't like their spouses job as say a police officer. For different reason but the dislike of the job is the same. Why do you think there are so many single cops? Do what makes you happy in life...but don't expect her to accept it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Dan's using a hammer instead of a scalpol to make an incision but I get what he's trying to say...even though I dont agree.
> 
> This is no different from a wife or husband who doesn't like their spouses job as say a police officer. For different reason but the dislike of the job is the same. Why do you think there are so many single cops? Do what makes you happy in life...but don't expect her to accept it.


there's a huge difference between what you're saying (job is such that it can interfere with marriage, which makes a lot of sense) and what Dan is saying (he isn't being a "man" due to having an artistic job, which is downright insulting and sexist)


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I suggest that you have your partner meet your wife. Let her see the two of you together and interact. What is scary is the unknown and if your wife becomes comfortable that the relationship is above board then it can work out.

I am a climber and several of my partners are women. This means that I may spend most of the day outside alone with them or even camp overnight with them at a crag. When one of my partners becomes regular I like to have my wife meet them. This goes for woman and men. In particular the last woman partner I introduced to my wife turned into a couple friendship between us as the partners boyfriend works in the same field as my wife. It worked the other way as well. I think he became more comfortable with the fact that I was really just interested in the climbing.

You also need to have a talk about boundaries with your wife about your partner. Certain topics such as marriage problems should be off limits. Non-partnership activities should be limited and include your wife whenever possible. Discussions should not become too intimate, no flirting, touching beyond required for performance etc. Communication must be transparent. There should be no secret confidences or secrets at all from you wife with regard to your partner.

If the partnership is really just a partnership your wife will detect it and become comfortable with it. However be prepared to accept her gut judgment which may not be in your favor.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

meson said:


> You also need to have a talk about boundaries with your wife about your partner. *Certain topics such as marriage problems should be off limits. * Non-partnership activities should be limited and include your wife whenever possible. Discussions should not become too intimate, no flirting, touching beyond required for performance etc. Communication must be transparent. There should be no secret confidences or secrets at all from you wife with regard to your partner.
> 
> If the partnership is really just a partnership your wife will detect it and become comfortable with it. However be prepared to accept her gut judgment which may not be in your favor.


very important point to make


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> all three require gobs of talent to be successful and are incredibly attractive to women, look at how much Baryshnikov was swooned after by women
> 
> in fact I guarantee the man is in incredible physical shape and puts the majority of those in what you deem "manly" professions to shame with their beer bellies


I agree it is not our place to judge the manliness of a career. Dancers and other performers often have skills and fitness that far exceed many of those in “manly” careers. Baryshnikov in particular.

Baryshnikov is a great dancer and indeed has many women who swoon after him. However he does more than his share of chasing as well. My daughter is a dancer and has met Baryshnikov and I know dancers that have danced with him. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be in the same dance company as Baryshnikov unless she were already an established dancer. The same would go for my wife if she were a dancer.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

okay everytime I cite a person of fame (since it is someone everyone knows) it turns out they were a cheater


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think you need to do something really nice for your wife. Something that will make her feel REALLY special, and when she's relaxed and you're both in a good place, have a talk about it where the focus is on you making her feel respected and valued and want to know her opinions. Maybe a letter would be better.

If this is non-negotiable for you, ie you're not open to stopping the relationship no matter what your wife says, then you need to direct the conversation to what she needs from you to be comfortable.

I saw some really good practical suggestions already. If it were me I would offer:

1. Keeping the relationship strictly business. Especially meaning no conversations about relationships, relationship status, relationship problems, etc.
2. No deleting of texts or emails, completely open book and encouragement for her to read messages
3. Limiting of time discussing or messaging. As in you will not message or talk to her outside of 8-5 (or whatever normal acrobat hours are). You don't want to be having a romantic dinner with your wife and start a message chain about acrobat videos. That will make her feel like you're choosing your partner over your wife.
4. Definitely invite them to rehearsal any time they want, encourage them to come.
5. Offer to video tape every rehearsal. If she wants it, take it seriously.
6. Make sure you ask HER what would make her comfortable.

At the end of the day though your wife is going to be concerned that you're spending more time with your partner, you're more connected to your partner, and that you're choosing your partner over her because of the amount of time you spend. There might not be anything you can do to make her feel good about it. If she's uncomfortable and won't get comfortable and you continue to do it, in a sense you are choosing this partner over your wife. At that point you have a decision, do you want to keep your job or do you want a satisfied wife?

I'm not saying one decision is "right", it comes down to your priorities. You can do the man thing and rationalize it, your arguments are all logical. But at the end of the day if you do everything you can to make her feel comfortable with it, and she isn't, you need to choose which is more important. Hopefully it doesn't come to that and by being open and comforting she'll be ok with it. If that happens, make sure you constantly affirm your commitment and be constantly asking for her input and don't get defensive about it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> @TRy - I imagine at some point we will have a meal... but I don't drink so that's not an issue. If we did any sort of run with the show, it would only be limited to cirque guest performances a few times a month and maybe at most a 2 - 3 week run somewhere. Unfortunately, there's not enough money to justify making it any sort of cornerstone of my business.


Since “there's not enough money to justify making it any sort of cornerstone” of your business, you are not doing this for money you are doing it for fun. If you did not like spending time with Sue, you would not be doing this at all. Your wife knows this and has a right to be jealous. 



MaxPower said:


> A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women. There's slightly less turnover amongst the men I work with, but they tend to be young hot shots as well. My wife was well aware of all of this when we were dating.. it has never been any sort of secret.


You are changing the subject. Sue is not what you do for a living, she is what you do for fun. 



MaxPower said:


> This all brings me full circle to what was my actual problem...
> 
> How do I make my wife more secure about the situation?


 You are in the beginning of an emotional affair that you are refusing to give up and are asking us how you can make your wife more secure about it. You cannot make your wife more secure about the situation because she has every reason to not be secure about it.



MaxPower said:


> I'm not changing my profession & I have every intention of continuing to do partner work with Sue. I had stopped doing it years ago because my wife was insecure about the situation and I understood because of the girl that I was working with.


Your profession has nothing to do with what you are doing with Sue. Mixing the two topics is dishonest and your wife knows it. You are in an affair fog and will say anything even if it does not make sense to continue with the EA. Your actual profession requires that your wife trust you. By falsely continuing to hide behind your career to continue your EA with Sue, you are betraying that trust. 

Also, you said that your wife was "insecure" about a past girl, but that you "understood because of the girl". Rather than call her insecure, you should be calling her right.

Stop trying to justify your EA with Sue and recognize it for what it is. If you want to save your marriage it is you and not your wife that needs to change. I feel this way after hearing only your point of view. If your wife was the one posting, you would not like the advice that many of us would be giving her.


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

I will just preface this post with... perhaps I just compartmentalize better than most. 

I never discuss any negative aspects about my marriage in any professional setting. We all have our ups and downs, but they only ever hear about how proud I am of my wife and how much fun we have together.

My wife gets to have a side of me that no one else does or will. It's an ocean sized divide for me. 



TRy said:


> Since “there's not enough money to justify making it any sort of cornerstone” of your business, you are not doing this for money you are doing it for fun. If you did not like spending time with Sue, you would not be doing this at all. Your wife knows this and has a right to be jealous.
> 
> You are changing the subject. Sue is not what you do for a living, she is what you do for fun.


What I'm doing is something like a climber climbing everest. It's a bullet point on the resume, there may be some publicity that comes with it, but ultimately it's for the challenge, the experience, and the knowledge I will gain.

I suppose I should thank everyone here. There has been some very good suggestions.

@COguy - she can go through my phone and emails whenever she wants. Hell, my wife setup my facebook page.

Much of our practices are videotaped because I need to be able to see what I do to make changes in myself as well as Sue. They're on my phone... my wife can look at them whenever she wants. She frequently gets shown our bloopers.

I don't text in general when my wife is around, unless it's about scheduling or confirming appointments. My wife and I have a general no phone/internet rule when we're having couples time.

I do share video performances I find with my wife and show her skills I'm working on. It's a tough one to judge. I'd love to share it with her if she can move past the jealous point. Sometimes I show her a video and see the look in her eye and know it's time to quickly change the subject. 



> You are in the beginning of an emotional affair that you are refusing to give up and are asking us how you can make your wife more secure about it. You cannot make your wife more secure about the situation because she has every reason to not be secure about it.


I suppose I should thank you for that as well. It seems to be the popular opinion here and it's a good reminder that while I'm able to see the situation in black and white I'm still going to have a hard time convincing others.



> Also, you said that your wife was "insecure" about a past girl, but that you "understood because of the girl". Rather than call her insecure, you should be calling her right.


To be fair, the other girl liked to call me at 2 am and ask me to come over and send me naked pictures of herself. I've been with plenty of women, I chose my wife... there's no magical vagina out there. The grass is not greener elsewhere.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> We do text frequently,
> 
> How can I put my wife more at ease with this?


You can put your wife more at ease with stopping all this texting with "Sue"! Talk to her at the gym or wherever you meet her for practice. Sorry, but your wife has every reason to feel threatened. This "Sue" and all the texting is taking away your time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> *Well.. the majority of my income comes from fighting and training others to fight/look competent in martial arts.* Which is way easier than training people in gymnastics or acro/adagio. I am, for lack of a better term, an expert in motion and body mechanics. I do aerial and partner work because it's fun, interesting, complicated, and I get paid for it. You can say whatever you want about my 'man' status.
> 
> A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women. There's slightly less turnover amongst the men I work with, but they tend to be young hot shots as well. My wife was well aware of all of this when we were dating.. it has never been any sort of secret. I chose my wife and I made vows to her. I make time for her and show her the attention and affection she deserves.
> 
> ...


Since your income is not mostly based on you being with Sue and since we will assume that your marrige is your #1 priority, I suggest you dump the whole Sue thing ... ASAP.

It is like dancing for sure but sounds even more intimate because of the "illusion". No doubt you spend a lot of time together practicing the illusion. IMHO your wife has every right to be concerned.

Your comments are showing that Sue meets needs for you that your wife cannot. This puts you at an extreme high risk of an EA. Instigation, Isolation ... Escalation. It happens before you realize it. You may already be in the middle of an EA without you knowing it. The fact you came here and the fact your wife is concerned lends credance to this possibility.

You very well are choosing Sue over your marriage. It sounds like that to me. The best thing to help your wife out is to not do this .... but you will anyway. You are moving from one girl to the next with what you are pursuing.

This stuff is chemical and becomes an addiction.



> I suppose I should thank you for that as well. It seems to be the popular opinion here and it's a good reminder that while I'm able to see the situation in black and white I'm still going to have a hard time convincing others.


It is always black and white to us until we go through withdrawal and come out of "the fog".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The appearance of impropriety can be very damaging
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> max,
> 
> I will point out that if your wife came here instead and posted that her husband works physically close to an attractive female and they text each other frequently outside of work, I would be advising her to get spyware on the phone, install a keylogger and put a VAR in your car
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Those of us with monster egos are more vulnerable than we could ever imagine. I thought I was superman and in many ways with my work I was ... however that arrogance can get you into trouble when it comes to EAs. 

So while he is a performer he could be any AMOG with a young woman who is meeting some of his needs and who he works long hours with. This is all about passion. Passion is intoxicating. She no doubt looks up to him. No worships him. He loves that. Who would not? But we all have our kryptonite. So his situation is not much different from what I and others have got involved with.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> The appearance of impropriety can be very damaging
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are on a roll sir. This is something many of us over look. We say but we know the truth and that is what matters. This is all about perception however. This type of relationship, even if kept totally professional and appropriate, which is a huge challenge, lends itself to scrutiny. Maybe not now but it is a constant pressure on the marriage. It would be a constant cause for concern for the wife and I would argue even cruel. Now there are two sides to this. It would take sacrifice on his part as well and he could feel that is cruel to him. BUT, it is his choice. He can choose to not put his wife through this. He can choose not to put his marriage at risk or he can go forward with what some of us perceive as very risky behavior. No doubt he has great skilz. But can he choose wisely? The girl, I mean bird, is in his hands.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> I do share video performances I find with my wife and show her skills I'm working on. It's a tough one to judge. I'd love to share it with her if she can move past the jealous point. Sometimes I show her a video and see the look in her eye and know it's time to quickly change the subject.


It is not a tough one to judge. The look in her eye is your wife being hurt, and you changing the subject, is you ignoring her hurt feelings. I guess you really are good at compartmentalizing. 



MaxPower said:


> It seems to be the popular opinion here and it's a good reminder that while I'm able to see the situation in black and white I'm still going to have a hard time convincing others.


You are not seeing the situation clearly at all. To understand what most everyone else seems to see as unmistakably as black and white, directly answer the following simple question. Honestly answer if you did not enjoy Sue’s company, would you still be doing the project with her, yes or no?

If you are honest and say “no”, you would be admitting that your enjoyment of Sue’s company trumps every other reason that you have given combined, and that putting aside these fake excuses, you are willing to hurt your wife and your marriage just because you want to spend time with Sue. You are not a bad person. You are just in the fog and do not know it. You think that everyone else including your wife is seeing this wrong and that you are the only one that is seeing this right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are playing with fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Now there are two sides to this. It would take sacrifice on his part as well and he could feel that is cruel to him. BUT, it is his choice. He can choose to not put his wife through this. He can choose not to put his marriage at risk or he can go forward with what some of us perceive as very risky behavior. No doubt he has great skilz. But can he choose wisely? The girl, I mean bird, is in his hands.


This will probably be the last time I try to convince this board which I'm confident is a futile effort...but i still welcome the feedback

I have passed on the opportunity to perform this type of act with the previous girl i described purely for my wife's emotional benefit. I had known that girl longer than my wife and I never made any sort of advances on her. I have passed up opportunities since then even though i have always wanted to do this type of act. 

Over the past several years I have had no less than a dozen scantily clad female performance partners for aerial work...all sexy/sensual performances. Some of thos girls were even married. I have never hit on them, slept with them, nor done anything i would even consider was remotely inappropriate. 

The only difference with this is I am designing my own act for this one which means unpaid rehearsal and its dancing/lifts instead of being in the air. It means I am practicing on my own time, which I do my best to schedule around my wife's work schedule so I dont compromise our time together. 

When I started with Sue, I knew her backround of skills and that she was nice when I had worked with her previously. To answer the question of would I be working with her on 'my' project if I didnt enjoy her company...well of course not. But I would have selected another girl. I am pleased that I like her as a person, it doesnt mean i am going to devulge my inner most secrets to her or anything else that I only share with my wife

I re-read our texts and aside from a tax question, her asking me how long she should wait before texting a guy she likes, and some chit chat about how are day is going...its all very much about skills videos and scheduling

I had discussed that I would be pursuing this type of performance with my wife and at the time she was ok with it. 

On the other side of the coin. My wife is part of a group of ceos and execs where she is one of two women, and clearly the youngest of the group. They will be doing a 4 day get away to work on their leadership/business skills. I have never questioned her, never read her texts or emails to the group...simply wished her well and that ihope she has a good time and learns a lot. I trust her implicitly. Should I doubt her? Those guys might be and probably are hitting on her. Some of them make more money then me. No doubt some of them are funnier and more entertaining than me. She went karaokeing with the group a couple of weeks ago and there was drinking involved...should I be offended? Is it time to install the tracker on her car?

I am not insecure in our relationship. Perhaps it is different for a woman to see women openly hit on her spouse, but its just another day at the office for me. When i perform aerial shows, it is not uncommon for me to be propositioned by women (and men) following a performance. As a man, maybe I am just more used to the concept that my wife probably does frequently get hit on. Sue has not done anything inappropriate, but if she cant keep it straight, then maybe we will have to stop. Best case scenario is she finds herself a boyfriend.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> Well.. the majority of my income comes from fighting and training others to fight/look competent in martial arts. Which is way easier than training people in gymnastics or acro/adagio. I am, for lack of a better term, an expert in motion and body mechanics. I do aerial and partner work because it's fun, interesting, complicated, and I get paid for it. You can say whatever you want about my 'man' status.
> 
> A simple fact of my industry is that I am frequently working with the latest and hottest 18-25 year old women. There's slightly less turnover amongst the men I work with, but they tend to be young hot shots as well. My wife was well aware of all of this when we were dating.. it has never been any sort of secret. I chose my wife and I made vows to her. I make time for her and show her the attention and affection she deserves.
> 
> ...


The only issue I see is the bold part. You "USUALLY" keep it separate. Why haven't you this time? 

The underlined in your OP here - HUGE RED FLAG for being emotionally involved with "sue". NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Whether you want ot admit it or not your are emotionally involved with "Sue" in a way you are not with your wife. The wife feels it, sees it and knows it.


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

CantePe said:


> The only issue I see is the bold part. You "USUALLY" keep it separate. Why haven't you this time?
> 
> The underlined in your OP here - HUGE RED FLAG for being emotionally involved with "sue". NOT A GOOD IDEA.
> 
> Whether you want ot admit it or not your are emotionally involved with "Sue" in a way you are not with your wife. The wife feels it, sees it and knows it.


I am 'usually' brought in under contract to do something for someone else. This is MY project.

I am happy that Sue is excited about it as I am. She's nice, we work well together, I NEED her to collaborate with me. I am passionate about the project...its mine. The other stuff I do is cool...even if I have a certain amount of creative control, its still someone elses deal, and I am usually pretty happy to go home at the end of the day. 

If we were two male mechanics passionate about restoring a classic car and texting about parts that were on ebay and getting together when our wives were otherwise occupied...and preparing to put our car in an auto show we wouldnt be having this discussion


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DanF said:


> Seriously.
> 
> He's a cheerleader.
> Or a dancer?
> ...


A person who performs physical stunts as the OP does is actually much more of a 'Neanderthal' then some guy who sits at a desk all or drives a truck. Have you ever seen how much a person has to work out to perform stunts as he does? He's probably built more than most men.

I have a brother who is a professional dancer. He has professional foot ball players take his classes. They complain how hard the workout is. They do this for an hour at time. My brother and his wife work out this hard 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. They are more fit than most of those foot ball plays that most think are such Neanderthal hunks.

If your wife and you do not respect people who work in fields that are so physical, that's your problem not the OP's. 

Wow


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> I am 'usually' brought in under contract to do something for someone else. This is MY project.
> 
> I am happy that Sue is excited about it as I am. She's nice, we work well together, I NEED her to collaborate with me. I am passionate about the project...its mine. The other stuff I do is cool...even if I have a certain amount of creative control, its still someone elses deal, and I am usually pretty happy to go home at the end of the day.
> 
> If we were two male mechanics passionate about restoring a classic car and texting about parts that were on ebay and getting together when our wives were otherwise occupied...and preparing to put our car in an auto show we wouldnt be having this discussion


No we wouldn't be having this discussion. That's the point, men and women are different from each other, we think different, we feel different, we are different.

If this is YOUR project, not contracted out to a third party then you are taking something over your wife and that's how she sees it. This is the start of an emotional affair with another woman.

This is her boundary, her deal breaker that YOU knew about already regardless if the previous woman was inappropriate or not. You knew about this boundary and you've crossed it and you are now making excuses about crossing that boundary that your wife expressed to you years ago. I see why she is unsettled by it.

I applaud you that you work in a profession that keeps your interest and gives you passion in life but it sounds like what the situation is is that you are doing a side project not contracted out but for your own personal passions. If I were your wife, it'd be a deal breaker and I'd be sending out a strong ultimatum.

The project or the marriage. This isn't about your day job, it's about something you wanted to do on your time from your own admittance.

I wouldn't stay over that boundary too long if I were you. Face to face EA can turn to PA very quickly with painful results too. You may not think you'd do it but you'd be amazed at what people can do in an emotionally charged situation.

You asked for advice and several people have warned you about the EA situation in so many of their own words.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Sugar Ray Robinson took dance and ballet classes during his boxing career to help him with co-ordination and balance. He also knocked out people for a living. Who knew? 

Anyway, open communication is the best advice I could give. Just be an open book like you mentioned you have, and keep her feelings in consideration during this project.


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## LittleLady25 (Nov 4, 2011)

We wouldnt be having this discussion because lets face it - 2 people of the same sex.......a piece of machinery (no feelings involved LOL) totally different things Max.
However in saying this I see your point. You are merely pointing out to you that is the equivalent of your relationship with 'sue'. As in there isnt anymore to it than that.
But the issue is its peoples feelings here, and your wife is hurt....for whatever reason, be it insecurity or feeling left out, whatever her reasons, shes hurt and she needs you to step up and let go of everyhing else for a bit and be there for her.
I know its definilty not the advice you want from people but it just appears to be the truth. If you came on here and said sue was totally unattractive and a total bore, but you needed her for the steps.....EVEN then if you then added' but my wifes not comfy with it' I would still say well let it go and give your wife priority. I am sure though to your wife the fact that sue is actually pretty and you like her so much is hurtful. 
I can say with complete certainty I wouldnt like my husband in this situation with some girl....work/hobby related whatever.
Before I met my husband I dated a guy HUGE into politics and his closest political buddy was a girl, who texted often and even when we were holidaying etc, I was absolutely not comfortable with this one bit, but again trust was there, just this bent it slightly as I knew I was in a difficult situation asking him to not contact her meant him giving up something he loved.......and I see that you are in a similar situation, however in my instance I could get involved help them leaflet drop, go along to meeting etc, but in your case your wife (you said yourself) isnt on par, not the right build, cant do the moves etc and cant be involved, only you and 'sue' and this is whrre the problem lies....
seriously give it a miss for a bit, sort out your stuff with your lovely wife(who seems so so good to be still sitting around with youeven through her time of hurt over this) and then in the future look in to it again, is this a possibility for you Max?
Wishing you the best.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Perhaps reading "Not Just Friends" By Shirley P Glass might help you too.

My husband said she was just a friend interested in the same game as him on FB - She wasn't just a friend for 2 yrs. I'm nearly 1 yr out from DDay for his EA\Virtual "PA" (think web cam "sex").

When it becomes something that has an emotional attachment like what you describe...it's not just friends anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Max,

Has you wife told you what would make her feel more comfortable?

Would getting no more texts? Would her meeting Sue? How about her showing up to some of the practices? Maybe her traveling with you when the you and Sue do performances?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> If we were two male mechanics passionate about restoring a classic car and texting about parts that were on ebay and getting together when our wives were otherwise occupied...and preparing to put our car in an auto show we wouldnt be having this discussion


We would not, but you would not be calling him "pretty" and "attractive" either and you would also not be creating "an intimate illusion" with them. You sound smart. Please do not tell me that you do not know that it matters what sex the "friend" is. Even couples that are open to having opposite sex friends have rules that acknowledge this difference.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> I re-read our texts and aside from a tax question, her asking me how long she should wait before texting a guy she likes, and some chit chat about how are day is going...its all very much about skills videos and scheduling



So it went from texting strictly routine stuff to a couple questions not related to what you are doing? 


Many years ago my husband had a female friend coworker who was just a friend in his eyes but she had plans for more. She started asking him relationship advice and what she should do if she liked a guy all to learn what he liked and to try and get closer to him. One day it all came out that she wanted to be with him this was after close to a year of working together. And they sure weren't half naked dancing around touching each other. It can lead to something very fast whether or not you want it to.

You said you would stop working with her if she got inappropriate with you. So you must think it could go that way possibly. Why wait for it to reach that point and have to deal with it then?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> I would definitely call us good friends.
> 
> Sue is currently single and we create an intimate illusion, but its just an illusion
> 
> Sue has been a pleasure because she also has a highly technical gymnastics background and can hold an intelligent conversation on topics with me that my wife cannot.


The above are what I would have a problem with, if I was your wife. You make it sound like you and Sue are just professionals - but then you go on to say you are both good friends. Obviously, you both partake in intelligent and deep conversation with each other - according to your posts. So, which is it? Perhaps you should read the thread located here about having friends of the opposite sex.

The only ways to make your wife feel more secure is to either dump the entire thing, or set strict boundaries with your relationship with Sue. There should be nothing other than professional conduct regarding your work - and I mean, NOTHING. No texts about a guy she likes. No discussion about anything other than what you both are working on.

You state later in your posts that your wife has male coworkers - but does she text them frequently? Does she go out with them on a one-on-one basis? Would you feel OK letting your wife accompany a male coworker (very attractive male coworker) who she texts frequently to his office to work on a project?

Personally, I would have a problem with that. You cannot control who your partner works with, mine works with attractive young women as well - but he does not spend time with them alone, nor does he text them - even if it is about work. Once he's out of work, he has no contact with them. That is how it should be for you as well.
If you have to meet up and practice - then do so. Until then, do not initiate contact with Sue. If there is something you need to discuss regarding your routine - prepare it, and wait until you meet with her to discuss your ideas. I really don't see a reason for any texting between you and her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> I am 'usually' brought in under contract to do something for someone else. This is MY project.
> 
> I am happy that Sue is excited about it as I am. She's nice, we work well together, I NEED her to collaborate with me. I am passionate about the project...its mine. The other stuff I do is cool...even if I have a certain amount of creative control, its still someone elses deal, and I am usually pretty happy to go home at the end of the day.
> 
> *If we were two male mechanics passionate about restoring a classic car and texting about parts that were on ebay and getting together when our wives were otherwise occupied...and preparing to put our car in an auto show we wouldnt be having this discussion*


If you were gay ... yes.


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## LittleLady25 (Nov 4, 2011)

:iagree:


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## MaxPower (Dec 1, 2011)

Ok..so went through everything with my wife tonight. 

I told her that I wanted to make sure she was comfortable with the situation no matter what it took. I told her she could come to workouts, reminded her she had access to the videos, my phone, and emails. 

She said that it wasn't about trust, just that she knows how much I enjoy working on it, and how she wishes it were her, but knows it can't be. So I suggested she helped me with music, costumes, and choreography. She lit up quite a bit and said she woukd really like that. To be honest... Thats is a large compromise for me. I have been wanting to work on this for years and have a solid idea of where i want it to go, but if it makes her feel better, I am all for it.

Thanks to people who offered suggestions about how to help my wife with being more secure. I have tried (probably too hard) to make people understand that working with women in this capacity is really not a big deal for me. 

Thanks again for the suggestions!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaxPower said:


> Ok..so went through everything with my wife tonight.
> 
> I told her that I wanted to make sure she was comfortable with the situation no matter what it took. I told her she could come to workouts, reminded her she had access to the videos, my phone, and emails.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you did very well. I can understand her feeling left out.


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## Heather858 (Dec 5, 2011)

Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 823 Re: Wife doesn't like female 'work' partner of mine 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not posting this to intentionally offend you, but damn, you're friggin' cheerleader and you're wondering why you wife has a problem?
Seriously, gymnastics and cheerleading are fine through college, but you need to get a real job and be a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heather858 said:


> Join Date: Sep 2010
> Posts: 823 Re: Wife doesn't like female 'work' partner of mine
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ...


If he can make enough money to be in the top 1% of earners in the country, then more power to him!!!

And you obviously did not read the whole thread.


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## LittleLady25 (Nov 4, 2011)

Great News Max!! I feel so happy for your wife now to be a part of it, I know to you its a slight compromise but better than giving up the idea altogether, eh?
ANyways brilliant stuff.....
best of luck to the both of you and wishing you every success int the show :smthumbup:


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

This is a profession he likes and very happy doing it. You arrange for a meeting with your wife, children and Sue if truly their is no emotional attachemnt going on. You may also forbid Sue from texting for the sake of your marriage.


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