# I need some advice please...so confused.



## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

I discovered my husband a porn problem last November. He denied it, though I saw many many websites on his phone. Some were disturbing, such as "18andabused" and another one "punishtube." He yelled, at me, called me a liar, and walked out for several hours. Made me feel bad for not trusting him. It was the holidays, I chose to just tell him, fine, I believed him and left it alone. Well, in January I checked his phone again, and more porn. Finally, one night we were talking and he gave me the perfect opening to ask him why he lied to me and was continuing with the sites. He fessed up to everything, and we were moving on. He does not believe pornography is an emotional affair. He thinks dirty pictures and cheating are completely two different things. He was caught by his last wife look at porn also. Plus I know he frequented strip clubs, and had sex at least once with a stripper before we met.

He knows how I feel about pornography. And we have a strong, biblical stance against it. He is a deacon in our church.

Yesterday we got new phones, and he was laughing about some spam that showed up on his phone from Match.com. Well, I saw the title of one of the emails, and it was a confirmation email from registering. The date on this email was about two weeks before I found the porn in November. There were several emails asking him to finish his profile. So, I sent the emails to me this morning. I linked to the website through the email. It sent me to the UK version of Match. We are in the US. But, when I did the "forgot password" link, it sent an email to change the password. So to me that means he actually registered. It does look like he never finished the profile, no pics. Just enough so he could look. 

He knows I checked his phone this morning. He is denying everything. Telling me that I don't trust or believe him. Telling me that if I choose not to believe him that it's spam, that it's over. 

I don't know what to believe. If I didn't find all the other, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. But, I don't know what to do. I love this man. I planned on growing old with him. I have no one to talk to. All my friends are from church, or family. 

He's got a temper, and uses it to intimidate me sometimes, as he knows it's my weak spot. 

Thank you for any advice, input, anything.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kylabgeek said:


> I discovered my husband a porn problem last November. He denied it, though I saw many many websites on his phone. Some were disturbing, such as "18andabused" and another one "punishtube." He yelled, at me, called me a liar, and walked out for several hours. Made me feel bad for not trusting him. It was the holidays, I chose to just tell him, fine, I believed him and left it alone. Well, in January I checked his phone again, and more porn. Finally, one night we were talking and he gave me the perfect opening to ask him why he lied to me and was continuing with the sites. He fessed up to everything, and we were moving on. He does not believe pornography is an emotional affair. He thinks dirty pictures and cheating are completely two different things. He was caught by his last wife look at porn also. Plus I know he frequented strip clubs, and had sex at least once with a stripper before we met.
> 
> He knows how I feel about pornography. And we have a strong, biblical stance against it. He is a deacon in our church.
> 
> ...


It's not spam. He's lying. He registered an account. Period.

And, until he admits it, there's not much else to talk about.

To be clear, I'm not of the opinion that the occasional bit of porn is a bad thing in and of itself, but it's pretty clear that your husband has a problem w/ it. Well, that and lying about it.

And, since he actually went through the trouble of registering an account w/ a dating site, his porn usage may very well be the least of your problems.

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

Do you know his first wife? How much do you know about how their marriage ended? You mentioned that he'd frequented strip clubs and even had sex w/ a stripper... did he cheat?

Was he at all involved w/ your church or any other church prior to the onset of your relationship?


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Hello. I am 38, and my husband is 41. We have a blended marriage with kids from 8-18. We have been married fro 4 1/2 years. 

I do know the ex wife. Their marriage ended because she cheated on him with a co-worker, and did not want to end it or reconcile. He was willing to reconcile and try to work it out. The only thing he has ever told me about physically cheating on her, was that one night after work, a bunch of friends went to a house to watch tv and have a few beers. He kisses a girl there. Said he never went back after that. 

Yes, he has always been involved with church. Has been a deacon for years. His father is a pastor. 

I hate this. I love him. He is still denying it. Saying he wants to report it to Match.com and also disable that email.

Before I found this today, I was thinking out buying keylogger software to track his phone. 

He can't tell me why he looked at porn. Honestly, we have a great sex life. And, I actually have a stronger sex drive than him.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

My husband is 41 and I am 38. Blended marriage. 5 kids between us, none together. We have been married 4 1/2 years. We have a great sex life. I actually have the larger sex drive. 

And, yes, very involved with church and always has been. His father is a Pastor. He has been an ordained deacon for going on 10 years. 

I do know his first wife. She had an affair with a co-worker. She did not want to end it. My husband wanted to reconcile with her, as much for the sake of family and kids as anything. The only time I know he had a physical moment while married to his ex was one night he kissed another woman when a bunch of people from his work went to one of their houses to have a few beers. He said after that, he never went out with that group again.

He is still denying it. Just turning it back on me, that I don't trust or believe him. Apparently trust was a big deal in his previous marriage. He told me once that during his previous marriage, it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Porn use is a tricky area with lots of complexity. But one thing that most folks will agree with is that if he is hiding it, then it's a problem. I feel porn use should be disclosed early in the relationship, and boundaries negotiated. If he claimed not to view it, then his viewing it is breaking a boundary that you have both set together.

The Match.com stuff sounds like he is fishing for ways to meet women. That's not good at all. A "thank you for registering" email is not spam.

The fact he uses his temper to intimidate you isn't good. You are concerned for your relationship and he gets angry in response? Huge red flag that he is hiding something. Maybe it's just his porn use and embarrassment about how it conflicts with his values as a deacon of the church, but maybe it's more. 

Either way, there is an underlying issue that has to be resolved. Have you considered working with a marital counselor to open up communication between both of you? I'd recommend a trained professional, not someone from the church. First and foremost using someone in the church may be embarrassing for him. And I find most religious counselors promote rug sweeping. I'm sure there are exceptions, but better odds at getting a neutral trusting atmosphere by looking outside the church.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

Hi,

He has a porn addiction. I believe this to be common actually. He needs help, hopefully somebody within the church. I recently have given my life to Christ. Before, I use to view pornography. I wouldn't say I was addicted, but whenever the wife was away, it was certain I would be watching. Now that I am a member of the Church, I have found that many men struggle with this. Most women, I don't think can easily relate, my wife had no idea, until I told her. My sex drive picked up when I was 14 and hasn't begin to stop over the last 20 years. I know other men, that claim they would/are satisfied with sex once a week, for me, I desire 3x a day. If it bothers you, it SHOULD bother him, and you need to make him aware of how it hurts you. If he cares about your feelings, he will make an effort to stop, but you can not make him stop, HE needs to make a conscious decision to.

As for the Match.com, I would not let him get away with this. He knows what he is doing. He is fantasizing. He is getting more bold in his fantasies. Before, with just porn, it was 100% fantasy because these women were all acting, and he couldn't actually get involved with them. With Match.com, he is beginning to make these fantasies a little bit more real. Next he might start flirting with women at work, etc etc etc until he actually plays out one of his fantasies. He will not stop without intervention. I would advise to get a MC involved now, either through the church or secular.

Best of luck.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Porn use is a tricky area with lots of complexity. But one thing that most folks will agree with is that if he is hiding it, then it's a problem. I feel porn use should be disclosed early in the relationship, and boundaries negotiated. If he claimed not to view it, then his viewing it is breaking a boundary that you have both set together.
> 
> The Match.com stuff sounds like he is fishing for ways to meet women. That's not good at all. A "thank you for registering" email is not spam.
> 
> ...


I asked about a marriage counselor for both together, and individual when he admitted to the porn finally. He said no, that "he had it under control and would deal with it." 

And, I know some marriages include pornography in their sexual repertoire, and that is okay, if it's agreeable on both sides. But, yes, he knows how I feel about it, and agrees it's wrong (in our eyes). I am not looking forward to our conversation when we get home from work later. 

I haven't said a word to anyone in our church, because I do not want to embarrass him at all. And his father, while not pastoring now, is the head deacon and taking an associate pastor position within our church. I love his family and do not wish anything bad or embarrassing on them either.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

pauslon said:


> Hi,
> 
> He has a porn addiction. I believe this to be common actually. He needs help, hopefully somebody within the church. I recently have given my life to Christ. Before, I use to view pornography. I wouldn't say I was addicted, but whenever the wife was away, it was certain I would be watching. Now that I am a member of the Church, I have found that many men struggle with this. Most women, I don't think can easily relate, my wife had no idea, until I told her. My sex drive picked up when I was 14 and hasn't begin to stop over the last 20 years. I know other men, that claim they would/are satisfied with sex once a week, for me, I desire 3x a day. If it bothers you, it SHOULD bother him, and you need to make him aware of how it hurts you. If he cares about your feelings, he will make an effort to stop, but you can not make him stop, HE needs to make a conscious decision to.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the kind response. I am going to suggest marriage counseling again to him. And, an affair at work is something I worry about. He works in a factory, and affairs run rampant. I know, my first husband had one on me there, and my father did the same thing to my mother at this place. 

I do believe even if he refuses to go to counseling, that I am going to try to find someone to talk to.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

kaylabgeek,

First I want to point out that not all Match.com email is real email, even "finish your registration." Sometimes that is how they GET people to go on and look. I have shared here a screenshot of my own email spam box and you'll note I have 19 spam emails and of those 19, 5 of them are directly about sex, erections, meeting people, etc. and I never EVER look at anything even close to porn. What I do is that I'm on the internet all the time (I work online), I use many online tools and applications, I sign up for webinars and/or free PDF files (like reports, etc.) and from that activity, my name is on lists that I'm sure get sold. I consider this a part of the cost of my work and my "online presence." So see for yourself:









NOW...that being said, if you were to look in my history on any of my browsers you would not find ANY porn, and as I said, I am online all day long. I get pop ups on the occasion, and I can't close them fast enough. If I get to a site that has those kinds of popups--I LEAVE. So the fact that you see a lot of porn in his browsers tends to indicate to me that "something is up"--meaning not that he is 100% guilty of something but rather it is absolutely suspicious. If I can surf the internet all day without ANY porn in my browser, then even if it was by accident, he'd have a couple or a few porn popups...not "many." 

Also, the more one does visit porn type sites, the more email and other popups he'll get. So if he visited let's say five, he'd get more email spam and popups then someone who accidentally had one open. Make sense? If you intentionally go to one, it usually has a link or teaser to another one...and another one ... and another one...and you could go like that almost all day! And all that visiting they usually ask for you to sign up or add your email "in order to see something" and then once that happens you are spammed to death! So based on your saying there are "many" porn sites in his history, this is my best guess at what's happening. Bear in mind it is a GUESS and that means there are not specific facts backing it up--just based on my own experience and what I know from 15 years in the infidelity field, this is what it seems is probable.

Now to my mind, here's the issue. You do not have definitive proof of either infidelity or porn addiction; however, there is certainly substantial circumstantial evidence and you are certainly not being unreasonable to tell him this is not okay with you. As I understand it, the two of you had a mutual understanding that porn is not acceptable in your marriage (I am not debating if porn is "okay" but rather stating what the two OF YOU had agreed to in your private marriage). Also he has the added onus of being a deacon in the church and thus he at least puts out the image that he is an upright and moral man. Right? At best, the two of you are both believing Christians and want to live a life that pleases God, and it's your belief that porn does not please God. 

So even without proof, I would say it is reasonable for you to let your husband know that you know he has a problem with pornography. I would suspect that he may be very defensive about this, he may and probably will deny it, and in real life he probably feels like quite a loser because he's struggling with it and can't overcome it. Thus, your job is not to browbeat him into submission and make him "stop porn." Nope your job is to encourage him to do the right thing. And the right thing is that everyone does wrong...everyone gets in over their head...everyone makes a horrible mistake and needs help getting out of it. Now he may have hardened his heart and he may choose that he wants his porn addiction more than he wants being a deacon or more than he wants his family--you can't MAKE him choose what's good for him. But it MAY BE that he does want to stop and has trouble. I would recommend start reading the blog of the good folks at Covenant Eyes From there, I would suggest going to the pastor and telling him what's up--talking about the struggle and how it's affecting your marriage--and see if there's not an accountability group at church or one locally. There are Porn Addicts Anonymous online groups, but honestly that may be more than is necessary--you guys decide if it's a fit or not.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

pauslon said:


> Hi,
> 
> He has a porn addiction. I believe this to be common actually. He needs help, hopefully somebody within the church. I recently have given my life to Christ. Before, I use to view pornography. I wouldn't say I was addicted, but whenever the wife was away, it was certain I would be watching. Now that I am a member of the Church, I have found that many men struggle with this. Most women, I don't think can easily relate, my wife had no idea, until I told her. My sex drive picked up when I was 14 and hasn't begin to stop over the last 20 years. I know other men, that claim they would/are satisfied with sex once a week, for me, I desire 3x a day. If it bothers you, it SHOULD bother him, and you need to make him aware of how it hurts you. If he cares about your feelings, he will make an effort to stop, but you can not make him stop, HE needs to make a conscious decision to.
> :iagree:
> ...


kayla your husband has a porn addiction. And he's not alone especially for leaders in church. This is one of the big problems most churches deal with. Believers are human and fall short. Most think as your H does, that they can control it, it's not a problem. It's usually done in secret. No harm, no one else is involved. THEY ARE JUST LYING TO THEMSELVES. To break a real addiction to porn he will need help. Lots of churches are able to deal with this since it's become a real problem. But it will be on him to seek the help. He won't be pushed, it has to come from within. My advise to you is the two of you talk about it rationally and pray over it. Hopefully he will begin to understand how it hurts you and himself. Once he understands this he will be receptive to seeking help. You will need patience with him through this. You know your H better than us. You know when to press forward and when to go slow. It's a big burden on you, one you didn't want. But as with any M It is for better or worse, it comes along with all that's good as well. You may also need a pastor or elder to work with you through this. You don't have to go into specifics but they can give you support and guidance as well.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

kylabgeek said:


> Thank you so much for the kind response. I am going to suggest marriage counseling again to him. And, an affair at work is something I worry about. He works in a factory, and affairs run rampant. I know, my first husband had one on me there, and my father did the same thing to my mother at this place.
> 
> I do believe even if he refuses to go to counseling, that I am going to try to find someone to talk to.


That sounds like a great idea. Another approach that I would suggest is to write him a note/letter. Let him know how much the pornography hurts you. No threats or repercussions, just how him watching pornography makes YOU feel (inadequate, unsubstantial, etc). 

Now from a deeper religious view (disregard if you take offense) Depending on your level of faith and/or beliefs I think a positive letter of encouragement to be a Christian leader and set examples for his family and Church would be my focus. He should repent (to another Church male) to free himself of this sin. He should not feel shame. We all sin. Shame will drive us to sin more. He needs an open dialogue with someone, hopefully you, or another male, or a pastor. There shall be no shame!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have not posted in a long time due to health reasons mainly. Your husband's reaction to getting caught is no more then a defense reaction. He went to anger. First off, anger was and is not his first emotion. I believe he is embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc. He lied, intimidated you and used threats. All typical reactions in these scenerios. 

My concern is the threat "That's it's over" if you don't believe him. No one here believes him nor do you. He is using immature tactics to get his way or trying to get his way.

I doubt that he has a porn addiction. Too many people jump on this bandwagon. The issue of porn is that it is very compelling for many people to look at it and it is readily available.

I would recommend the following:

1. Ask him if he is willing to go to counseling on his own to deal with his porn use.
2. Ask him if he is willing to share his phone with you without anger.
3. Ask him not to threaten you nor react in anger but to just admit to what he is doing and ask him to tell no more lies.
4. Tell him that lying does in fact breaks trust.
5. Lying about porn use is just stupid, fess up, get counseling, get an accountability group or some accountability friends and whatever device or devices he uses are open to inspection at any given time.
6. Try to understand that his porn use has nothing to do with you. IT has to do 100% with him.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

seems many boys these days have never been raised or brought up to be men. they stop at adolescence. right when their first pubes show up. mental midgets.

he needs to understand real men do women, not porn.

he either grows the F up or you're done. dont see how or why consequences like this are not considered. whats the alternative anyway. perhaps expose his imaturity to close fiends and family too..?

its his mess, whats he gonna do to fix it.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I have not posted in a long time due to health reasons mainly. Your husband's reaction to getting caught is no more then a defense reaction. He went to anger. First off, anger was and is not his first emotion. I believe he is embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc. He lied, intimidated you and used threats. All typical reactions in these scenerios.
> 
> My concern is the threat "That's it's over" if you don't believe him. No one here believes him nor do you. He is using immature tactics to get his way or trying to get his way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Taking the practical approach and laying down some boundaries as Thorburn states is awesome. A proactive approach to addressing your concerns and steps resolving the issue will pay off. Keep your head and you'll get resolution. Resolution = porn problem solved... or husband problem solved.

Be prepared that the issue runs deeper than porn on the phone. For what it's worth I'd focus less on labeling it as addiction and more on his behaviors in general. 

~ Passio


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Yes, he has always been involved with church. Has been a deacon for years. His father is a pastor.
> 
> I haven't said a word to anyone in our church, because I do not want to embarrass him at all. And his father, while not pastoring now, is the head deacon and taking an associate pastor position within our church. I love his family and do not wish anything bad or embarrassing on them either



In addition to some of the advice that has been given you I would consider this. If all the efforts have been tried and he still is lying to himself and continuing to hurt you and violate his faith then I would not hesitate to tell his church including his father. *Protecting him against his consequences is a form of enabling.*


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Hello everyone. 

I had a conversation with my husband yesterday. He still denies that match.com even though you can do a password reset on it. And I did test it with two of my own email addresses to make sure it wouldn't send a link to anyone who entered any email address as a way to get you to log in. Plus the bio was completed and had his name in it. And, as another test, I made a fake profile to see if it auto-filled that area, and it did not. 

He got mad at me again. Said he almost didn't come home because I didn't trust him. We talked about the porn again. He said he fessed up to everything and it's over. I asked him again to go to someone, and he told me it was his problem and it didn't concern me. He also said he was not comfortable talking about why he looks at porn with me. That was when I suggested him talk to someone else. 

But, with what he said about not feeling comfortable telling me why he looks at porn has made me worry. He also said that I knew he had been caught looking at it before and knew he had a past so this was a constant struggle for him and he didn't need anyone else to deal with it. A little more background may be helpful here. My husband told me he was abused by a male youth pastor when he was in middle school. I found this out after I performed oral on him. He said it was the first time that he had ever let a woman do that on him because it reminded him of the time he was in middle school. Another time when we were being a bit experimental in bed, he told me he for a long time was afraid he was gay because he liked what the youth minister did to him. He also said this is why he was so promiscuous in high school and college. That he was trying to prove he wasn't gay. I have not found any gay porn on his phone. He is not homophobic at all, but doesn't agree with it biblically, and his son called him a "****" once and I though my husband was going to beat him. He screamed at him to never call him that again. He is very sensitive to it. I know this is horrible, but the thought ran through my head was that is he in a way using porn, especially several sites that were geared towards more violent / hard core porn to visually stimulate himself in a way to show he isn't gay? He also told me once, that his ex-wife (who is a therapist) was afraid of when the boys got to be middle school age that Michael would abuse them. She said that people who abuse were typically abused in the past. Now, I have not seen one thing that would make me worry about this. 

He won't talk to me, and I am afraid of what would happen if I asked that question. He just wants to sweep it under the rug.

I am seriously considering the spyware for his phone to see if I can figure out what is going on. All I really want to know is if this is something we can work to get past, or if he is going to keep doing this, and shutting me out, then do I need to move on. I love him, but I also love myself. 

Thanks again.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Hello everyone. I actually posted a reply yesterday but it seemed to have not gone through. Hmm.

Well, when I got home Monday my husband was extremely angry with me for thinking he would sign up for a dating website. Said he did not want to come home that day. Things that I did though, to try to assure it was not spam was 1. I spoke with my IT personnel at work. He looked at it, and said it looked authentic. 2. I wanted to make sure that if anyone entered their email on a password recovery that it wouldn't send a link as a trick to get you into the website. I tried with two different emails and I did not get a link like I did when I used his email address. 3. I made a profile on this site to see what was autofilled and what was not autofilled. The intro part actually had his first name in it. I wanted to make sure that it did not pick that up from his email, so I did it with my email that did have my name in it. It did not autopopulate anything. 

He still denied everything. Told me it was silly because it was the UK version of match not the US. And why would he fill something out with not accurate info. I told him I thought it was to satisfy the urge to look without the temptation to follow through. 

He asked why I would worry about him cheating when porn and cheating were completely two separate issues. I told him I was afraid one would lead to another. When pictures would not be enough. 

I then asked again why he felt the need to look at porn. He said he was not comfortable discussing that with me. I am worried this all stems back to him being abused sexually by a youth minister when he was in middle school. He confessed one night that he liked what the youth minister did to him. I know he struggles with this. He refuses to seek any type of counseling at all. He said after the abuse stopped that he was pretty much bent on having sex with anything that moved so that he could prove he was not gay. He is extremely sensitive about the subject. When his son was in 6th grade he called him a **** and Michael would have beat him had me and my kids not been with them I think. He told him never to say that to him again. 

I think at this point that I am going to try to talk to someone about all of this. And I think I might need to try that Teensafe or Mspy so that I can see what he is looking at exactly. He says he as stopped. I also think I will not pursue anything further till the end of the school year. That way if anything happens the kids will be out on summer break and I won't disrupt them any more than I have to. I want to be able to send my kids to their dads if need be for an extended amount of time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kylabgeek said:


> Hello everyone. I actually posted a reply yesterday but it seemed to have not gone through. Hmm.
> 
> Well, when I got home Monday my husband was extremely angry with me for thinking he would sign up for a dating website. Said he did not want to come home that day. Things that I did though, to try to assure it was not spam was 1. I spoke with my IT personnel at work. He looked at it, and said it looked authentic. 2. I wanted to make sure that if anyone entered their email on a password recovery that it wouldn't send a link as a trick to get you into the website. I tried with two different emails and I did not get a link like I did when I used his email address. 3. I made a profile on this site to see what was autofilled and what was not autofilled. The intro part actually had his first name in it. I wanted to make sure that it did not pick that up from his email, so I did it with my email that did have my name in it. It did not autopopulate anything.
> 
> ...


Your husband needs intensive individual counseling. And, just so I'm 100% clear, I'm not talking about church or faith-based counseling -- he needs to see a licensed, professional, and *EXPERIENCED* individual therapist that specializes in counseling victims of sexual abuse.

The two of you need marriage counseling as well (again, please leave your church out of it), though I'd probably give him at least 2-3 months to start making some progress w/ an individual counselor before proceeding w/ that.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Gus, I completely agree. 

I guess at this point that I need to put myself into a place to which I can face the consequences if he does not want to get help. I now have asked him 3 times to go see someone and he has declined each time. 

I think the fact that he was married to a therapist for 12 years and tells everyone he was "diagnosed every day for 12 years" has put a bad taste in his mouth. His ex wife looked at him once and said that she was afraid he would abuse their kids because of his past and that a high percentage of those who abuse, were themselves abused.


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

So, I used my old iphone and did a restore from the oldest backup I have. It confirmed what I felt in my gut. When he told me he had only been looking at porn since last summer he was lying to me. I found it back into 2012. This really hurts, because I had a major health scare that involved seizures. I was pretty much house bound for over a year. I couldn't' be alone. And while my life was falling apart, lost my career, everything. This is what he does. 

I also found more teen oriented sites, and gay sites. I found where he had apparently accessed his cougarlife account and fling account at some point. I found out after we were married that he had these accounts (he made them before he met me). I made fake profiles and discovered that both sites are still active. He hasn't updated them, but they are active. I also saw some websites for escorts agencies, but nothing local. 

As soon as I get my debit card for the new checking account that I made after I found all the porn, I plan on doing the mspy. He has a problem and won't get help.

I don't know what else to do. I so bad want to talk to his ex-wife and find out if there is more in his history than I know. But, I won't because he loves his kids and is a great dad. I am afraid she would use this against him.

He is being super clingy and paranoid, so I am only accessing this account at work.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your husband's problem is not porn, it is not his temper, it is not looking on dating sites. Your husband's problem is self control, he hasn't any or at least not enough. He also lacks empathy and accountability. He is a leader in your church, one to whom people should be able to look to as an example and yet he risks that position by indulging in self serving activities that are destructive to that position and his marriage/family as well.

He simply needs to grow up and gain some understanding about life and responsibility. I also agree that by letting him skate on this you are allowing his activity to perpetuate. My advice would be to expose this to his father first and the pastor second and force your husband to face the consequences of his behavior. Much like a child, if there are no consequences then there will be no change.

I wish you good fortune.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> He has a problem and won't get help.


You have a few choices.

One is to put up with his sexual misconducts and hope that he changes

Two is that you keep trying to make him change

Three is that you prepare yourself to be more self-sufficient so that you do not depend on him for much of anything.

The first two choices seem to have a very small chance of working
The third choice will make your life a whole LOT better


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Mr. Blunt, I agree. Options 1 & 2 are becoming less and less realistic. 

I have set up a checking account at another bank that I am trying to save some money in. I just have to focus on me and my kids. I am really wanting to wait out the school year if I find out anything for their sake. 

I asked this on my iPhone thread, but I will pose it here too. Is there any website in which I can look up a persons cell phone? I was looking in my husbands facebook and I found a woman that he has blocked. She wasn't blocked a year ago. I find it strange he blocked someone without even mentioning it.

Of course, the fact she works at his place of employment and is not married, and is our age doesn't help matters much.

Thanks for any ideas.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

To be clear, you want to find her cell phone number based on her name and not the other way around, correct?

Does he still use an iPhone? If so, does he have it configured to receive company e-mail?


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Gus,

Yes, I have her name and date of birth. I figured looking for a specific cell phone number would be easier than trying to find out who each number on the cell bill belongs too.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kylabgeek said:


> Gus,
> 
> Yes, I have her name and date of birth. I figured looking for a specific cell phone number would be easier than trying to find out who each number on the cell bill belongs too.


Eh... not necessarily, but there may be a somewhat easy_ish_ way to get her number. Answer these questions...

* Do you have access to his current phone? Is it configured to receive his work e-mail?

* Do you still have his old phone? If so, is it (still) configured to receive his work e-mail?


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

I don't have access to his phone now, but I can restore my old iphone from his backups again. And where he works, they do not have work cell phones or work email.  It's a factory. I did look in his phone real quick the other day and there was not a contact with her name. But, who knows what it could be under.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Who is your cell provider? Can you access his call and text records via an online portal?


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

We are AT&T. I have printed out the last year and a half worth of his text and calls. Tons of text to a bunch of different people. He texts most everything. Hates to talk on the phone. I wish I could export them to excel and do a data sort, but they are too old. I can only do pdf.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kylabgeek said:


> We are AT&T. I have printed out the last year and a half worth of his text and calls. Tons of text to a bunch of different people. He texts most everything. Hates to talk on the phone. I wish I could export them to excel and do a data sort, but they are too old. I can only do pdf.


I just Googled "import pdf into excel"...

How to import a table from PDF into Excel | The Economics Network

http://www.wikihow.com/Create-an-Excel-Spreadsheet-from-a-PDF-File


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## kylabgeek (Mar 2, 2015)

Wow. If I knew where ya lived I would send you cookies lol. Oh, Excel is my love language! I had no idea I could do this. I had never thought of copying to word, then a table to excel, then converting the text to columns. Brilliant.

Thanks so much. I am going to work on this more tonight. I am going to restore my old phone again from his backup to access his contacts. That will help me eliminate a few of his friends I know but do not have their numbers. Then it's a data sort away...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're very welcome. And very kind.

And please, no cookies. I assure you... I am in no way suffering from a shortage of snacks.


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