# Happy Anniversary?



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Ok so, three days ago I found out my husband is having an affair, granted he denies it, says she is just a friend and blah blah blah...When I confronted him about it that day, he told me he thought a seperation would be best and he was thinking he would go stay at his sisters (which is where the other woman is all the time) .. ok fine...

3 days later.. he hasn't left. I'm doing my 180, taking care of me, barely speaking to him. But today is hard, April 13th 1996 we were married... its our 15th wedding anniversary today.

He texted me, told me happy anniversary. Now in doing my 180 I don't respond to his texts. How do I handle this.. I certinally dont feel like its a happy anniversary. I barely feel I have a marriage at this point. Whats the proper ediquitte here? Do I tell him happy anniversary or do i treat it as any other day?


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

(((HUGS))) and another (((HUG))) this day is so hard but I do think you need to keep up the one 180. Maybe just text him back "thanks" nothing more. I know you will be crying inside, but put on your best oscar winning performance and make this just another day. My annv. is next month. Going on 14 years married. I dread that day.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, I don't know about proper etiquette on this. However, my 13th anniversary was 2 days ago. Even though I didn't feel like it, I put the 180 on hold for the day. I bought a dozen roses and cooked a nice dinner. There wasn't much talking and certainly no romance, but I did put all fighting, etc. on hold for the day. I had told her a week or so ago that this anniversary meant nothing. As far as I'm concerned, we haven't been married for 13 years. We were married for 12 years and 3 months. Her affair has been going on for 9 months.

I don't know what to tell you about what you should do. I can only tell you I know exactly how you feel. I wasn't worth a darn Monday. It was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. I'm sorry you are having that day today.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Lilyana, especially on a day that should have so much meaning. Our 15 year anniversary will be this fall and I'm still wondering how we'll handle it.

Not sure what to suggest. I guess the best thing would be to go with your gut. During those first few weeks after d-day, I'm not sure I could've even said "thanks", I probably would've said something scathing back. But I didn't have to do the 180. Hang in there and if possible, do something nice for yourself today.

HurtinginTN, I think you helped solve my dilemma about celebrating my anniversary this year. My husband's affair lasted 7 months, after your comment, I want to push back our "15 yr mark" 7 months. He says our wedding date is still very meaningful to him, but this first year in recovery, I just don't think I'll be able to celebrate it. Time will tell.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Now my family is starting to call wishing us a happy anniversary  .. this is going to be a very hard day.. i just wanna curl back up in bed and cry myself to sleep, and not wake up til tomorrow


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Well the 180 is to not initiate things, so I think it's okay to respond, but be short on words. I would be inclined to be a smartbutt and say, "I wish it were". But that's just me. Did you find anything as far as frequent calls to a phone number on your bill? 

I would reply something to the text, but then see if he does anything later tonight. I definitely wouldn't make it a happy anniversary, KWIM? He isn't doing the right thing. 

Our 10th anniversary was in November. We were fine, a little disconnected, but fine. Got each other cards because no money for anything else. 5 days later he bought a plane ticket to go to his hometown 2 months after that. How did I miss that red flag?! I think the affair was well underway by then, and by my calculations they had only been talking a couple weeks. Three weeks after our anniversary I found him in his truck in the middle of the night talking to her on the phone for two hours. The rest is history.


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Not to thread jack, but I am in a boat of almost the same color (I destroyed 2 deferent sayings with that one). D-day was in Jan, and our anniversary is in June....I have no idea how/what to do. I don't feel like doing anything about it, nor want to celebrate it at all, but would that be a big love buster towards my DW? Should I just do something despite how I feel this one day?


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Now my family is starting to call wishing us a happy anniversary  .. this is going to be a very hard day.. i just wanna curl back up in bed and cry myself to sleep, and not wake up til tomorrow



I had the same feelings when our families wanted family pictures months after D-day. It's easier said then done, but stick it up.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope your day went OK yesterday. I know that was a very hard day. How are you doing?


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

The day took a turn for the worse.. so I really didn't end up having to worry about how to treat him.

His Uncle ended up having a heart attack and needing triple bypass surgery last night. So we didn't really see each other, he went to the hospital to be with his family. I stayed home with the kids. 

Aside from his text messege "happy anniversary".. to which I replied "you too", we didn't say a word to each other.

Now so far his uncle is doing fine.. but I'm not sure how to handle it if he needs me for support if he takes a turn for the worse.

I really don't want to "be there for him" .. as cold as that may sound. And I'm sure since the OW has been his shoulder to cry on (mostly about me) lately, he will probably turn to her. I'm kind of hoping he does. I just can't deal anymore.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, I don't know what I would do. One thing I have thought about is that no matter how the marriage turns out, my wife and I (and you and your husband) have a life-long relationship. She and you will always be the mother of those children. He and I will always be the father of those children. Since there will be no totally parting of ways as if dating or no children involved, I am inclined to develop an amicable relationship. Even if divorce happens, we need to be able to be adults and have a peacable relationship.

With that being said, I would tend to give him the support he needs during a time of grief. If you can, put aside the pain for a few days and relate to him as a person. I don't know if I could or not. I know exactly how deep the pain is. Especially at your early stage of discovery. I am further along in my personal recovery, so I am looking at it from a different vantage point.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

H came home from work, changed then went right up to the hospital to visit with his family. 4 hours ago... Sure he might very well be up there and trying to be supportive to them.. but.. my gut is screaming that hes with her.

I'm kind of numbing out to this.. I don't feel upset, I don't feel angry, I don't feel hurt.. I'm just.. Numb.

The part thats killing me is my kids.. right now they are asking me "where is daddy?" I tell them.. hes at the hospital with his uncle right now making sure hes ok. 

So my daughter tries to call his cell phone.. he picks it up and hangs up on her.. she tries again.. same thing. My daughter is now crying because daddy isnt talking to her. 

I don't know what to tell her.. just looking into her eyes is so upsetting to me.. it's like hes pulling away from all of us.. it's one thing to do it to me, but to do it to our kids?


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> H came home from work, changed then went right up to the hospital to visit with his family. 4 hours ago... Sure he might very well be up there and trying to be supportive to them.. but.. my gut is screaming that hes with her.
> 
> I'm kind of numbing out to this.. I don't feel upset, I don't feel angry, I don't feel hurt.. I'm just.. Numb.
> 
> ...


That is were I would 100% draw a line. If he really cared about the kids he would not allow anything/anyone to get in between him and his kids. Pack his stuff and throw it in the yard with a picture of his kids in there.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> That is were I would 100% draw a line. If he really cared about the kids he would not allow anything/anyone to get in between him and his kids. Pack his stuff and throw it in the yard with a picture of his kids in there.


WTF? It isn't bad enough that he is betraying you, but adds salt to your wound by wishing you happy anniversary, and to top it all of he hangs up on his daughter - who loves her father - not once but many times while she's trying to talk to him?

I would tell him that it is one thing to be sleazeball of a husband but *you will not tolerate him hurting the children.*

As a father of two daughters and one son, I despise men who behave that way with their children.

I gotta get out of here, my blood pressure and rage are rising.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't know what to say to my kids.. thats whats so frustrating.. i try to be unbiased and say very little.. but in my mind I'm saying "your daddy is a f*cking jerk, hes out with his girlfriend, and he probably wont be home to talk to you until monday" 

Now.. I would never say this too my kids mind you. I am so frustrated with his behavior. He told me he wanted to move out on sunday, its now friday here. He still comes and goes as he wants, hardly talks to the kids, or me (which is fine with me). I want to smack him across his damn head for the way hes treating the kids right now. It's as if they barely exist. 

I'm trying to do fun things with the kids to fill the time, so they aren't constantly asking where he is... tonight after dinner it was finger painting. But then right before bed time they started to panic that their daddy wasn't home yet. Because its not like him, hes usually home to tuck them in, read a story. But for the last month he hasn't been.

I've been advised by a friend of mine to keep a notebook of all this activity of his, what the kids are saying, because when we do end up going to court it will probably help me in the way of custody. But the way he is acting right now, I don't think he cares if he has the kids ever. He just wants his freedom and the OW.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> The part thats killing me is my kids.. right now they are asking me "where is daddy?" I tell them.. hes at the hospital with his uncle right now making sure hes ok.
> 
> So my daughter tries to call his cell phone.. he picks it up and hangs up on her.. she tries again.. same thing. My daughter is now crying because daddy isnt talking to her.
> 
> I don't know what to tell her.. just looking into her eyes is so upsetting to me.. it's like hes pulling away from all of us.. it's one thing to do it to me, but to do it to our kids?


Well, I know that feeling all too well. My daughter does the same thing. That is the worst part of all, the pain of the kids.

However, I will throw out one possibility. If she tried to call him from the home phone or your cell phone and he hung up immediately, he may have thought it was you. He may not have realized it was his daughter. That isn't much better, but he may not have realized who he was hanging up on.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

my daughter has her own cell phone, so it was her phone


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm sorry for you and your daughter. This fog everyone talks about is extremely thick at times. It is an addiction. I wish I knew what to tell you about what to tell the kids. I can only empathize with you. Great idea on trying to keep them busy to get their minds off it. That is helpful for both you and them.


----------

