# Marriage may be falling apart, at this point i'm not sure if i care or not.



## rudyrollins (Dec 23, 2014)

I love her, I really do. But I feel like a single parent in my own house. and i'm tired of it. should I stay or should I go?

I met my wife 13 years ago online. We talked for a couple years, she came to visit me in 04 and we've been together ever since. I moved to our current area to be with her, I think I sort of resent leaving everything behind for this but i'll get to that later. the last year hasn't really been all that great. and i'm at the point where I no longer care about it. 

we've had a pretty okay relationship up until this recent string of events. and by recent string, I mean the last year - year and half or so. we've had our trials and tribulations like any other couple has. we have three children, 2 sons and a daughter. our oldest son is special needs and on the autism spectrum. basically since he started kindergarten, i've been the primary one to do school work with him and handle school stuff. 

at the beginning of this year come to find out she was in an EA and that completely devastated me. I forgave her, but at the same time I did a 180, I went to the gym and got in very good physical condition, quit smoking, took a lot better care of myself. that seemed to have an effect on the situation, she started paying attention more and even showed jealousy when other women would comment on how much muscle i've built and how well i've done for quitting smoking etc...

we've just bought a house, and in the weeks leading up to the purchase she sprung it on me that she told her ailing mother she could come live with us without even consulting me. I told her straight up that I felt robbed. that it was our first house purchase, and I feel like I didn't care about it anymore at that point because we were sharing the house. granted we have more than enough room to accommodate it, it's still my domain. the house is in my name, on my credit, i'm the bread winner, and I didn't even get a say in it. like we worked so hard for months on end to get this place, driving 400+ miles a week in work travel alone, driving the kids 20 minutes one way every morning so they could stay in the same schools. and everything we worked for to get this house was gone for me because it wasn't just us living there. 


basically, i'm tired of handling it all. this was going on for months in the place we were at before we bought our house and I warned her that it was going to change when we moved in. I told her I couldn't handle it all by myself. I have to do laundry, cook dinner, clean, get the kids bathed work, pick the kids up from daycare, get them to and from sports, potty train our daughter, all the while working etc...because if she's not helping her mom she's either saying her back is hurting and can't help me. everytime she asks me to get her a drink or something, I lose a little more respect for her. 


I don't care about her mother, i'm tired of her **** too. it's always something with her health, and i've ran out of sympathy and understanding. this woman can't even do simple things like clean up after herself. everyday my wife has to sit and read her mail with her. she straight up spilled a bowl of cereal on the finished basement floor(rug) and just let it sit there. and I was the one that had to clean it up. I'm tired of these lazy pigs in my house, i'm so mad i'm shaking even typing this out. if this women did any less activity she would be dead. that's the level of activity this women does. she sits in her room all day watching tv and has to have her meals brought to her because she won't come up the steps. and then she waits till 2-3 am and brings all her dirty dishes up to the sink, waiting there for me to throw them in the dish washer when I get home with the kids. I mean literally sits them less than 2 feet from the dishwasher. it's like having another ****ing kid 

last night I told my wife something needed to be done about her mothers room/living area because it smelt like stale ass and needed to be cleaned and aired out. her response was i'll get it when my back isn't hurting so much. frankly I don't have any sympathy for her and want it done because it's always been an excuse with her. it's either "my back hurts i'll do it later" and i end up eventually doing it anyways. 

when we moved, I had to move our house by myself while she packed her moms stuff up because she couldn't even do anything herself. and we fought about that, I went off the deep end about it because now I had to handle 3 kids while packing our entire household. 

I asked her to fold the laundry for me 2 weeks ago and it hasn't been done, and I refuse to do it. I just keep running laundry when we need clean clothes.

we're both 29 and I'm tired of feeling like i'm 59. 


yes I am a clean and neat freak, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. there is nothing wrong with asking someone to clean up after themselves, or to keep the house we just bought nice because it is our responsibility. I feel like I can't teach the children to do any thing when they have a mother who just sits around when she's not buys. i'm the one that spends time with them, i'm there when they are sick, i'm there when they need work done, i'm there to talk with them. 


I feel horrible when they ask me to do stuff with them like play nintendo or watch a movie and I have to tell them that I can't because I have too much stuff to do to keep the house in order as well as stay on top of my work at the office. 

if they call me domesticated one more time they might need to call an ambulance because i'm going to start shooting blood out of my eyes. I feel very un appreciated and used, and like there are other women out there that would kill to have someone like me. 


my wife works a job that usually goes from 9a to 5p, at most she gets the kids ready in the morning and has to send them to school and send our daughter to daycare, and when I blow a gasket and ***** her our for not helping me she always brings that up and i'm like "hello...our 2 oldest boys dress themselves/shower themselves (because I showed them how to, mind you), in the meantime in the hour that i'm home from work I have the dishes washed, house swept up, kids doing their homework, dinner started cooking, etc... 


my CHILDREN do more to help me around the house than she does. and its not right, they shouldnt have to. now granted they have their own chores that I have them do, but its hell enforcing them with no support. because i'm too goddamn busy trying to get everything else done. and now with the mother here, I feel like i'm going to explode if i don't get any help.


is this marriage worth saving or should I just cut my losses, and kick her and her mom the **** out? I love her, I really do. I want this to change, but i'm not going to carry on like this. and I don't think she's giving me any indication that this is going to change. I always feel like I gave up alot for this relationship and she hasn't given much up at all. I left my family, my hometown, I don't get see any friends or family for years at a time. I don't have friends, I never get to go out, I never hear her say "hey hun you've had a rough day, you do alot, why don't you let me handle this and you go have some fun for a little while" . meanwhile her and her **** friends seem to think that i'm a ready made babysitter when they can go out and have fun. and i'm the bad guy when I call them on their bull**** and turn it into a **** storm.


long story short, I'm tired of giving our family 150% and her worrying about everybody else first.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Mate, sorry you are going through this. 

A couple of things. You say you are a clean and neat freak. Few people would call me that, but for your own good I recommend learning to chill about it. You need yoga and meditation for your own sake - seriously, you are in even more stress than you realise. 

The next thing, how is your Mother-in-law as a person?

Also, you are telling us that you put yourself last and are shocked that your wife does the same. Do you see the contradiction?

Women often have ailments that are serious that would be whining if it was you. That is just normal, mate. It is like blokes are worse at getting the right sandwiches.

Next, emotionally disengage. I ended up separating, however, the thing that saved my sanity was realizing that it is what is called "emotional support", which is akin to singing you a nice song. Mariah Carey would actually like something for Christmas and equally your wife telling you things is just telling you things. The things you are holding out for are not going to happen, at least not straight away.


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## rudyrollins (Dec 23, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Mate, sorry you are going through this.
> 
> A couple of things. You say you are a clean and neat freak. Few people would call me that, but for your own good I recommend learning to chill about it. You need yoga and meditation for your own sake - seriously, you are in even more stress than you realise.
> 
> ...




I really don't think it's too much to ask to make sure a cat litter box is clean so it doesn't smell. its stuff like that, that really pushes me over the edge. i'm allergic to the cats and I tolerate them for her, but she lets the cat box go forever until, you guessed it, I eventually blow up at her and have to clean it. 


her mother is decent as a person, but like an infant. I just don't have any sympathy for the situation anymore. she doesn't try. she had her knee replaced 4 months ago, and still uses her walker everywhere and I literally mean everywhere. and not a cane, but a full on walker. she doesn't try to exercise herself and get better. she just lays around and watches tv all day. we're not talking about some frail old women of 80 here, she just turned 60.

she wants everybody to wade on her hand and foot and I'm not doing it. thats the only thing I could possibly think of.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Box up the dishes, get rid of the food, bag up their cloths and give the cat away.

It's time to simplify your life, buy paper plates and plastic wear, start doing take out, everyone does there own laundry, and no more cat litter.

It looks like it's time for everyone to fend for them selves....call it a practice period before you leave for good.

The money you save on the water bill can go to plastic wear and take out, No one is going to do there own laundry so you will save some there on utilities, along with no cat food or litter purchases you can take that money and put it towards a maid.

And one more thing...take out the light bulbs to the bear minimum to save on all the lights that these ungreatful phucks leave on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And get rid of those premium channels on cable!


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## prettygirlpa (Dec 17, 2014)

Nope. Not worth saving. I will tell you this because I've been through it. They change for a little but the back to the old habits. I think you need to tell your wife and you mother in law to get the ***k out of your house. Don't waste your years in this marriage, you are clearly not happy and that is not healthy for you or the kids.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Wow, are you sure you love this woman? We are only getting a small snapshot but I suspect you really just resent her more than anything.

You have allowed this to happen in your relationship slowly over the years. As you picked up more and more over the years, your wife has learned that she can do what she wants and you will do nothing about it. She had an EA, which you probably forgave without any consequences. Then she sprung her mom was moving in, but what did you do about it? You got pissed but allowed it to happen. Now you are in a situation where she has lost complete respect for you and does what she wants. She knows that you will just pick up after her.

At this point something needs to change. I see a couple of choices: Do the 180 again and let stuff go heck around the house or prepare for divorce. Based on your level of resentment, she would have to turn into Mother Theresa before I think you would be satisfied with her.

What ever you do, be smart about it and don't just fly off the handle. Research what you want to do, prepare a plan, and follow the plan! If you choose divorce, make sure you prepare yourself and your documentation BEFORE you tell her. Always be three steps ahead if you want to come out of this on top.

I know the feeling of resentment about doing everything. Although going through a divorce sucked more than anything, I am a much happier man now. Think about what you want and move that direction.


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## Mrs NotRight (Dec 31, 2014)

I am the wife of a "neat freak" husband and I can tell you it is not easy trying to keep up with his standards. 

I am not a lazy or messy person, I do my fair share around the house - bath, entertain, feed our two boys - do the laundry and dishes, try make dinner a few times a week. However I don't prioritize picking up after myself or the children as extensively he does. For example, if I have a cup of tea, I won't immediately take my mug to the kitchen, I'll leave it for when I am going to the kitchen. When our 2 year old plays, I don't make him tidy up immediately, I wait until I know he is finished with that puzzle, book etc, then ask him to tidy up. 
My husband on the other hand, can't stand anything lying around for more than a few minutes. He is constantly in a huff "picking up after me and the boys" and it makes me feel like a child. The other night I was cooking dinner, then the boys started to get whiny so said I'd quickly put them to bed then come finish dinner, when I walked back into the kitchen he was mumbling under his breath because I had dropped a piece of chopped cabbage on the floor while preparing dinner...

I try keep up to his standards but sometimes they are too difficult to meet. I don't know the full story of you and your wife's lives but take a look back when things were "good". Was she always disrespectful and never cleaned up? Everytime I clean my house before my husband gets home and he comes home and notices a book that has been lying on the counter that I perhaps I didn't see, or kept it out for a reason, and he says something about that book but doesn't notice anything else that I did, I lose a little respect for his wishes. Why should I make an effort if it goes unnoticed. 

I am not saying your wife has a right to leave your house in a mess, I'm just looking at it from the wife of a neat freak. If she has tried before but you don't think it's good enough, maybe she has given up like I slowly am. I feel I bend over backwards to clean to his standards, he needs to perhaps lower his a bit and not freak out about cabbage on the floor for 5 minutes...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

There are several women who write abot their neat freak husbands. I suspect 90% of women feel they do a lot of cleaning. Probably about 70% actually do it. There are plenty that say they do but do not physically do it. Their husbands come home, see breakfast bowls and on the floor and suggest it has not been cleaned, wife feels her emotional level of dedication to cleaning is not appreciated. 

On the internet, we do not know.


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## Mrs NotRight (Dec 31, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> There are several women who write abot their neat freak husbands. I suspect 90% of women feel they do a lot of cleaning. Probably about 70% actually do it. There are plenty that say they do but do not physically do it. Their husbands come home, see breakfast bowls and on the floor and suggest it has not been cleaned, wife feels her emotional level of dedication to cleaning is not appreciated.
> 
> On the internet, we do not know.


Your comment was eye opening. I know I can be a pain and leave things lying around - thinking about it now, I didn't pick up my son's cereal bowl in the rush to get everyone out the house and get to work this morning - but what I'm trying to say is, let some things go. Don't assume I am doing it to annoy you or "disobey" you. I truly sometimes don't have the time or genuinely have forgotten.
You're right, on the internet, who knows.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You sound so *resentful*. If I was in her shoes, with a husband who has such contempt and resentment toward me, I would have been vulnerable to an EA with a man who likes and appreciates me.

She works full time and has three children- one of them special needs, and another a baby in daycare. Oh yeah- what a lazy good for nothing slouch /sarcasm. Cue nice man at work who LIKES her.

Just shoot me if I ever decide to buy a house which requires me to drive 400miles for work and deletes bus transportation forcing me to drive 20 minutes each way for school. What on earth were you thinking? And not putting your foot down BEFORE ailing MIL moved in? 

Eeek gads you have a knack for complicating your own life, dude!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Mrs NotRight said:


> Your comment was eye opening. I know I can be a pain and leave things lying around - thinking about it now, I didn't pick up my son's cereal bowl in the rush to get everyone out the house and get to work this morning - but what I'm trying to say is, let some things go. Don't assume I am doing it to annoy you or "disobey" you. I truly sometimes don't have the time or genuinely have forgotten.
> You're right, on the internet, who knows.


The fact that you can reflect on that suggests it does not apply to you. I think you are in a difficult situation and having kids means there will be a mess and that is inevitable. I think you are both in a difficult position.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hire a cleaning service to sanitize Grandma's a$$-smelling room. (Your wife can pay for this out of her paycheck.) Once a week the maids come in, strip the bed, vacuum, sanitize the bathroom, and spray loads of air freshener.

When Grandma piles her dirty dishes on the counter, take them right back down to her room. Tell her to load her own dishes.

And I love guy's advice to cut out premium cable channels. No more Home Shopping, QVC and Lifetime Movie Network for Grandma. She can watch PBS or CSPAN.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Use the cat as a starting point. If she can't clean the litter box then take the cat too a shelter and when she asks where the cat is, tell her since she can't clean the box then the cat is gone. Then let her know that if she doesn't start cleaning up after herself and having her mother do the same thing, they'll be the next two leaving the house and say it in a way that both know that your not putting up with it any longer.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> my wife works a job that usually goes from 9a to 5p, at most she gets the kids ready in the morning and has to send them to school and send our daughter to daycare, and when I blow a gasket and ***** her our for not helping me she always brings that up and i'm like "hello...our 2 oldest boys dress themselves/shower themselves (because I showed them how to, mind you)


If you were my H you would sure be asking for a snarky come back with that one. Maybe I would make you a medal for teaching your *sons* how to shower. :allhail:

and post it on FB :rofl:

In all my years of having a cat in the house, I have rarely changed the litter. The kids do it. 

Here is an article for you explaining how much more stressed women feel when juggling a job and a family- Men and Women Think on Family Matters Equally, But Women Get More Stressed | Science | Smithsonian


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## xs0u1x (Apr 8, 2014)

Blonde said:


> If you were my H you would sure be asking for a snarky come back with that one. Maybe I would make you a medal for teaching your *sons* how to shower. :allhail:
> 
> and post it on FB :rofl:
> 
> ...



yeah because that's real mature. lets shame my spouse on facebook. I'm glad you're not my wife, you would have been sitting on the curb a week ago too 


me asking for a little more help around the house does not justify her being a terrible spouse and going outside our marriage.


me asking her to cook more than once every two months(literally no exaggeration) is not a justification of her going outside of our marriage. 


"more stress" is not an excuse for her to contribute as little as she does to the daily operations of our family. i'm stressed too, but I can't sit around and not take care of the children.

me asking her to take a break from a 3 hour candy crush binge to help me with doing homework with the children is not a justification to go outside the marriage. 


"oh boohoo i'm stressed out because my family needs me, I think i'll go talk to a drug addict for emotional support, my husband is too busy with the kids and housework to tend to my needs". spare me the BS if the roles were reversed and I was treating her like this I would be condemned into oblivion.

either way the marriage is over. I asked her to sit and talk with me about it, about everything, about her mother, and she blew it off. she was surprised to say the least, the very next day, when her cat was at the pound, cat supplies thrown out, and me telling her she had a week to get her and her mother out of the house. 


I woke up the next morning to make breakfast for the kids and her mother had done what she usually did, waited till the night to put a fresh load of dishes in the sink waiting for me in the morning. and then was asking my son to bring her drinks back and forth from upstairs to down stairs, and then to rub her back like he was her personal CNA. and that was that. so what I did was, Instead of the breakfast i planned I made the kids some cereal and told her I was going out.

I took some benedryl, put the cat in its carrier and took it to the pound. then I came home and told her what I did, and that she had a week to vacate herself and her mother from the premises. she was hysterical and asking me to talk it out with her and I bluntly told her that the time to talk was over. I've put up with this type of behavior for years and I won't be tolerating it any longer. 



her brother came over to the house trying to talk some sense into me, even offered to pay rent for his mother to stay and I declined. I did offer that since he was so concerned she could move into his place with his family, I would help with moving her things but he won't have her over there because he knows the same thing is going to happen. 


either way she's out of the house, her mother is out, for a week now. the kids are having problems adjusting to mommy not coming home everyday but i'm doing what I can. as of now I have no plans on having her back, i've cooled down a little and would be open to talking to her, but i'm not compromising anymore. i've met her halfway on everything, i've bent over backwards, and things will not be going her way anymore. 



i'm prepared for this to go either way. maybe we split maybe we don't, at this point, either way i'm at a point where she has to make some serious leaps and bounds to get me back. i'm not perfect and I know I have to work on things too, but i'm not going to be the only one making an effort. 



cheers


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## xs0u1x (Apr 8, 2014)

Blonde said:


> If you were my H you would sure be asking for a snarky come back with that one. Maybe I would make you a medal for teaching your *sons* how to shower. :allhail:
> 
> and post it on FB :rofl:
> 
> ...




yeah because shaming your spouse on facebook is the real mature thing to do. you sound like a real winner.i'm glad you're not my wife, you would have found yourself out on the curb this past week too. 


anywho........


so let me get this right? so because I asked for more help around the house, that excuses her being a ****ty spouse and going outside our marriage?

it doesn't excuse it one bit. me asking for her to cook more than once every 2 months(not exaggerating) does not warrant her going outside the marriage. 

asking her to take a break from her 3 hour candy crush marathons to help me with homework for the children is not a soul crushing chore, enough to cause you to emotionally cheat.

oh boohoo my family needs me and i'm stressed and i work so i'm going to confide in a loser and then when my husband finds out, tell him it was all because he was so busy taking care of the things I neglect to do.

take that BS down the road....if the roles were reversed and I were treating her like this I would be condemned to hell and back as the worlds worst husband and a dead beat dad.

no more "understanding", no more cutting her slack. that ship has long sailed. 


I tried to talk to her after christmas. I told her we needed to talk about her mother and the situation around the house. she tried to brush it off. the next morning I had awoken and went downstairs to make some breakfast for the kids to find her mother had left another load of dishes int he night as per her usual actions, and then kept having my son run her items back and forth from the kitchen and rubbing her back while she watched tv and that was it.


I got the kids some bowls of cereal, got dressed and told her i was leaving for a little bit. I then took some benedryl, got the cat in the cat carrier, threw the cat box out and took the cat to the shelter. I came back to the house with her hysterical and asking me why I did that. I told her I was done explaining why, done asking, I then informed her that her and her mother had a week to vacate the premesis. 


at this point she went over to her brothers house hysterical and crying, at which point he came over and tried to talk to me. even tried to offer to pay rent for the mother(who lived rent free mind you) and I politely declined him and told him if he was so concerned she should move in with him. hell I even offered to help pack her **** up and move it with him. LOL he turned it down because he knew what would happen. 


it's been almost 2 weeks since they've both been out now, staying with her father for now. the kids are a wreck. i'm trying my best with them. 


the first 3 days she was trying to text me and call to get me to talk to her, only to be met with me telling her she had her chance to talk, and unless it had to do with the kids or getting the rest of her stuff out of my house then to leave me alone. 

and then silent for a couple days. she started sobbing again when she came to get the kids for the weekend but didn't say anything. 


last night about 9pm, after I laid the kids down I went out to the garage to just clear my head for a little while. I hear a knock on the garage door and it's her. I opened it up and asked her wanted and she basically told me that she wanted to work it out, or at the very least talk to me and that she wasn't leaving until I talked. 


so I let it all out. told her how I felt, told her basically her mom was lazy and didn't do anything to help herself get better or help her situation, and that she was an enabler of this behavior. told her I refused to let the kids become her mom's personal cna's, that I was tired of feeling like a single parent in the house, like everything was being dumped on me, by the time i was done she had tears in her eyes and was apologizing, I gave her room to air out whatever she had to air out. by the time we were getting done talking she had asked if we could be fixed. 


at this point, I don't know. I mean, I love her. I really do. I love all the fun we had, it wasn't always like this. and I want us to get better. but at the same time, I refuse to ever go back to that again. 



we'll see.


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