# Fishing?



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

It's been almost 1 year since NC, and reconciliation has been feeling right and healthy as compared to the false reconciliation of the prior year. I still check FWH's phone, which he leaves out in the open. 

The other day I spotted a series of emails from POSOW that landed in his junk email. Clearly he was not aware they existed, and clearly he had not responded to any. They were short, one-liners like "Please call", "What do you want me to do, give up?" "Call" "Why?".

The obvious bad news is that the emails sound desparate, like she was recently dumped. H says that they have had no form of contact since last year, and honestly, I have not picked up on anything in the year that would point to something deeper underground. In fact, quite the opposite - H really engaged in reconciliation, very present, humbled and transparent.

Could these emails really be some desparate form of fishing 1 year post NC??? Does anyone have any fishing stories that would support this?

Thanks...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I do not have any similar experience to share. 

However she wants to be contacted. Do not respond in any way. Do not give her what she wants. No contact is no contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you set up a mailbox rule that her emails get deleted, rather than just going to junk mail?

C


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> It's been almost 1 year since NC, and reconciliation has been feeling right and healthy as compared to the false reconciliation of the prior year. I still check FWH's phone, which he leaves out in the open.
> 
> The other day I spotted a series of emails from POSOW that landed in his junk email. * Clearly he was not aware they existed, and clearly he had not responded to any.* They were short, one-liners like "Please call", "What do you want me to do, give up?" "Call" "Why?".
> 
> ...


Dear HealthyMe,

How do you know that your FWH was not aware of the e-mails and that he has not contacted (e.g., call) his FAP?

Assuming you are correct, I would suggest talking to him about this and agreeing on how to handle (either gnoring her messages or having him send her another NC demand).

Hoping that your R continues to go well.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to his work email which can not be changed. I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

HealthyMe said:


> Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to his work email which can not be changed. I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


doing that might precipitate her contacting him by other channels. She might just be fishing he might truly be oblivious.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

HealthyMe said:


> I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable



Maybe just a little. How do you prove something doesn't exist? Sounds like you are just setting both of you up for failure.

Before these unread e-mails, you seemed confident that there had been no contact. Even from the one liners, it's clear that her issue is that he won't contact her, you just aren't sure how long he has been out of contact. You clearly check his work e-mail and you haven't seen any contact occur there. If he were contacting her by some other means (like calling her from work) don't you think she would be using that other means now that she is desperately fishing?

You are right to be upset at her actions but from all other indications, your husband is committed to the R and holding up his end of it. Don't let her derail you. Sneaking around and setting traps or doing your own covert fishing isn't healthy. It will never bring you the peace and trust you are looking for and will leave him totally demoralized. Better that you just discuss the e-mails with him and, if necessary, work together on sending her a "what part of I-don't-ever-want-to-hear-from-you-again do you not understand" NC follow-up.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

HealthyMe said:


> Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to *his work email which can not be changed. * I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got an email from the ex last year and I work in a government job. I managed to change the email address by adding my middle inital to my address. It threw off the ex, and no more problems there. it did require a little adjustment from stakeholders in emailing me, but it's all good now. Worth a shot.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The timing of the e-mails is suspect in my view. I'd say it would be unusual for the POSOW to contact him out of the blue, after a year, with those "type" of messages - if there had not been more recent contact ahead of them.

If you are positive you can confirm he hasn't read them, that's good. But still, he's got some "splanin" to do.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> It's been almost 1 year since NC, and reconciliation has been feeling right and healthy as compared to the false reconciliation of the prior year. I still check FWH's phone, which he leaves out in the open.
> 
> The other day I spotted a series of emails from POSOW that landed in his junk email. Clearly he was not aware they existed, and clearly he had not responded to any. They were short, one-liners like "Please call", "What do you want me to do, give up?" "Call" "Why?".
> 
> ...


I don't know your full story, but I would take some satisfaction in that SHE is clearly suffering now. Good. Any woman who has an affair with a married man SHOULD suffer and plead, " why?!!!!" Now she knows how it feels to be betrayed. And your H karma is that he destroyed two women. If he has a conscience, it must be hard to sleep at night!

Conversely, the OW in my H EA just turned and pivoted when outed... Barely caused her a moment of upset, she just moved on to another, didn't even look back...

To answer your question tho- a year is a milestone - she's probably feeling all the same feelings of a year ago when they broke up and yes, fished to see if your H was remembering...
To me, it sounds like he's on your team again. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

HealthyMe said:


> Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to his work email which can not be changed. I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like she is fishing big time. I think you are correct in that he did not read them as they are unopened, but do not dismiss them completely. 

1. In the future I would ask your husband from time to time, if there has been any contact.
2. Read her emails, then delete them and I would not share this with your husband. If he is not checking them then he is not checking them and it does not matter to him.
3. I would write one email back to her. ONE. And write something liek this, "I do not want you to contact me again. Do not contact by email, phone, letter or in person. If you do I will constitute this as harrassment and will take the appropriate legal action as my attorney has been contacted in this matter". DO NOT state who it is from, you or your husband. And leave it at that.

And please keep tabs on your husband from time to time. 

I went through a false R for over a year and now am in what seems to be a real R. Ironic how you can tell the difference.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

HealthyMe said:


> Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to his work email which can not be changed. I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the record, you can mark emails as 'unread' after they've been opened and read, and you can move emails into the junk folder from the inbox. So you're aware that because they are 'marked' as unread, does not mean they went unread. I'm not saying this is the case, just an fyi...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like fishing to me. My wife has received the same type of emails from that POS. In his case the content shows he was just looking for sex. In your case it sounds like she wants him and maybe it is due to her own situation and emotional. 

I would just keep up the checking trust but verify


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

russell28 said:


> For the record, you can mark emails as 'unread' after they've been opened and read, and you can move emails into the junk folder from the inbox. So you're aware that because they are 'marked' as unread, does not mean they went unread. I'm not saying this is the case, just an fyi...


Wouldn't he have deleted them though? I mean, why would he have read them and marked them as unread, and put them in the spam file? To make his W think he didn't see them? 
Idk, I think he would have deleted them rather than risk opening up a can of worms, which is kind of what has happened...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

What were the dates of the emails?

Also, do a search of "Sent" emails, and if you can, a search of "deleted" emails.

How far back is the email record?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

How do you prove you didn't do something? 

Believe me, I understand your trust issue with him. I just have no idea how he could do what you have asked him to do. A polygraph maybe. I'm not sure. 

I would not encourage her in any way or contact her. No contact is no contact. Do not give in. Do not give her what she craves. Leave her hanging. 

Check his sent messages. Stick a var in his car. But do not contact her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I wouldn't sweat it too much HM. I've had former "clients" contact me 3 years after I quit my wayward adventures. 
The wording of the emails themselves, ("Please call", "What do you want me to do, give up?" "Call" "Why?") indicates he's not dialoging with her. Reconciliation is like skydiving. Ain't no 100% guarantees. Rest assured though that if he falls off the wagon, he'll do something to give himself away.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Post dday I had my wife get all new contact info so OM couldn't resurface. You should do the same. No doubt seeing emails from OW are triggering you some.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, I definitely had some trigger issues the other day, but at the same time feel a lot stronger than when the affair was first revealed 2 years ago. I am not the same woman I was then and that is perhaps why I told my H that he has the burden of proof right now. I will not keep redrawing the line in the sand. So, if he has had any contact with her in the past year after the last NC, I really need to leave the marriage.

Throughout the year I have checked all email including sent and deleted folders - nothing. But they primarily used a single gmail address to communicate back and forth during the A anyway. Because messages were all contained within her email account, there was less chance of being caught.

Many have responded that it sounds like my H has not been dialoguing with her, hence the tone and content of her emails. It's just that I really need confirmation that there really has been NC since last year. (as opposed to just recently).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

HM, it is difficult to get confirmation that there has truly been NC since last year. Asking your H, you'd have to take his word for it. I don't think it is that rare for APs to pop up after long periods of time in the hopes of re-hooking. I've had mine try it in the past. Just saying.

If your R feels real, I think you can go with that. Only you know what's right for you with regard to what you need for reassurance, though.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> Yes, I definitely had some trigger issues the other day, but at the same time feel a lot stronger than when the affair was first revealed 2 years ago. I am not the same woman I was then and that is perhaps why I told my H that he has the burden of proof right now. I will not keep redrawing the line in the sand. So, if he has had any conyOutact with her in the past year after the last NC, I really need to leave the marriage.
> 
> Throughout the year I have checked all email including sent and deleted folders - nothing. But they primarily used a single gmail address to communicate back and forth during the A anyway. Because messages were all contained within her email account, there was less chance of being caught.
> 
> ...


When om tried to get back in touch with my wife after a few month of no contact i had control of her old email. It triggered me bad but i was able to get A details out of him by letting him think he was talking to my ww
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

HealthyMe said:


> Yes, I definitely had some trigger issues the other day, but at the same time feel a lot stronger than when the affair was first revealed 2 years ago. I am not the same woman I was then and that is perhaps why I told my H that he has the burden of proof right now. I will not keep redrawing the line in the sand. So, if he has had any contact with her in the past year after the last NC, I really need to leave the marriage.
> 
> Throughout the year I have checked all email including sent and deleted folders - nothing. But they primarily used a single gmail address to communicate back and forth during the A anyway. Because messages were all contained within her email account, there was less chance of being caught.
> 
> ...



OP, how could he prove there has been no contact to your satisfaction? Should he email her and ask? But that would acknowledge that she is still important and break NC.

Check his sent basket and use a VAR.

Does she know that you monitor his email? Maybe she's hoping to mess with you? Would that be out of character for her? I doubt it if she knowingly got involved with a married man.

If you want out of the marriage, then bail. I would not have tolerated 1 false R... at least I don't think I would have.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, were any other items in his spam folder read? If yes, then he monitors that email folder. If no, then he likely does not. Does that make sense?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Even from the one liners, it's clear that her issue is that he won't contact her, you just aren't sure how long he has been out of contact. You clearly check his work e-mail and you haven't seen any contact occur there. If he were contacting her by some other means (like calling her from work) don't you think she would be using that other means now that she is desperately fishing?


As above. This is very much worth repeating.

And I also agree with other posters. If he knew he had the emails and didn't want to respond he would have just deleted them. If he knew he had them and didn't want her contacting him, he would have told her to get on her bike...and then deleted them. 

How did he respond when you found them and asked him about them?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

How old/new were the emails when you found them? How long ago had they been sent?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Post dday I had my wife get all new contact info so OM couldn't resurface. You should do the same. No doubt seeing emails from OW are triggering you some.


Same here. For both of us. Didn't want any dust bunnies entering our house. Of course, the difference was, he did enter her....... but that was earlier.

In fact, we have only one email address. If you have something to say, it can be said to both of us.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

I have been lied to again.. Here's the update:

The emails from the OW just did not sit right with me. Although I wondered, and many thought they could simply be fishing, the words sounded just too desparate. So, I kept looking through my H's phone every day until I found something else.

What I found was a confirmation-of-payment message from verizon wireless on his work email. He has been paying for his cell phone separately from our household account, and has been doing so by our debit card number instead of our credit card (I suppose less detail in the transaction history). When he took this job last spring, I asked for access to his cell phone history on an ongoing basis for transparency, but was told that his phone was on the company account and that he could not do so. Nevertheless, he always kept his phone out for me to check whenever I wanted, has been present in the moment, and "reconciliation" appeared to be true and genuine.

When I discovered the verizon email yesterday and confronted H, he initially said he did not know what it was, perhaps spam, etc. And then he finally confessed that OW contacted him last April and that he has been in phone contact with her ever since. He says that she begs him to leave me, he says he won't, she says he's ruined her life, he says I'm sorry, she screams and threatens, he placates her enough to prevent her showing up at his office.

I just wanted to let you all know. It baffles me, really. I think I am done being hurt. As much as I didn't want to have to write this, I hope that this information can be of help to someone else when decided whether or not to attempt reconciliation. October 14 will mark 2 years since DD #1 for me.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Wow. It amazes me the level of deceit someone is willing to do. Did you have any consequences in place regarding resumed contact? Did you tell him you would file? 

I can't see any other option other than to file for divorce. You can always stop it later if you decide to try to reconcile. Although I don't think anyone would blame you if you divorce and move on.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This is just so horrible. The lame excuses that these jackarses come up with to justify their cheating is just beyond me. Why would your WS entertain her in any manner? He is giving you a BS story all over again. And what a whooper. If the wife finds out I will make you out to be a nut case so send some bogus emails to confirm that. I think the whole thing with the emails was just a diversion. Your WS has been telling the OW "Hey she bought it and I am playing so cool".

He is lying, he lied and will continue to lie.

I am so sorry for this. False R suc*s.

I am certain that if you look you will find out a whole lot more.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> I have been lied to again.. Here's the update:
> 
> The emails from the OW just did not sit right with me. Although I wondered, and many thought they could simply be fishing, the words sounded just too desparate. So, I kept looking through my H's phone every day until I found something else.
> 
> ...


Wow, I'm so sorry. I can't offer up advice other than to make sure you follow through with whatever "punishment" you laid out when you decided to R with NC.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> What I found was a confirmation-of-payment message from verizon wireless on his work email. *He has been paying for his cell phone separately from our household account*, and has been doing so by our debit card number instead of our credit card (I suppose less detail in the transaction history). When he took this job last spring, I asked for access to his cell phone history on an ongoing basis for transparency, but was told that his phone was on the company account and that he could not do so. Nevertheless, he always kept his phone out for me to check whenever I wanted, has been present in the moment, and *"reconciliation" appeared to be true and genuine.
> *
> When I discovered the verizon email yesterday and confronted H, he initially said he did not know what it was, perhaps spam, etc. And then *he finally confessed that OW contacted him last April and that he has been in phone contact with her ever since. * He says that she begs him to leave me, he says he won't, she says he's ruined her life, he says I'm sorry, she screams and threatens, he placates her enough to prevent her showing up at his office.


It's simply a false reconciliation he sought full of deceit.
No different than purchasing a secret phone.
And of course you can't possible believe a single word from his mouth about what has been really going on and even less his motivations.
I'd be done with this wayward for good. IMHO.

I am so sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> Given that we've been through false R, I can never be sure about anything. The emails were marked as unread and they went to his work email which can not be changed. I took a hard stance and told my H that he will need to someohow prove that he has had NC. Maybe this is unreasonable, but I can I can not go forward with another false R. I am thinking through the idea of me responding to her emails incognito to extract whatever info I need to confirm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is easy to mark email using Outlook as unread if they have previously been read. I am *not* saying this happened here, but if he has Outlook for his work emails, then it could happen.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are you done with him now? You've had years of this at this point.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My suggestion.

Post her on cheaterville.com

Send her the link, and cc him. Tell her, she looses, and can have him.

Then go dark on him.

There is no way she's chased him like that for a year without her meeting up with him to try throwing herself at him.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

I can't believe that, so sorry. 

Thank you for sharing, it is a good wake up call for many I am sure! Including myself. 

He obviously can't let go of this way of life. 

Why? 

The bottom line is by now if he really wanted to be with her he could easily have left you, he knows her well enough by now to determine what or who he wants, so it is safe to say that he is addicted to the dysfunction and does not want to leave his marriage.

This is awful and I feel for you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Never be surprised when a cheater continues to cheat. Most are not grateful for reconciliation, but only embolden to cheat again.


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