# How many of you were "left" but ending up making the call?



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

My husband left me in April to figure himself out, with some sort of random deadline of August. That being said, I am getting so sick of limbo part of me just wants to end it. How many of you made the call even though your spouse rolled the ball and pushed it down the hill? Did they make you feel guilty afterwards? Do you think they wanted you to make the call so it wouldn't be on their shoulders?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i'm thinking of making the call myself, i feel the same way & am tired of sitting here waiting, i'm not getting any younger & if it's me she doesn't want after 13 years well hell somebody does


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

our vision shattered said:


> i'm thinking of making the call myself, i feel the same way & am tired of sitting here waiting, i'm not getting any younger & if it's me she doesn't want after 13 years well hell somebody does


Touche my friend! 

I personally don't know if I can be with someone who has to "think" about being with me - to me this should be back and white.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Hey Emma. Mine has said 'lawyer' this and 'court' that a few times .. but hasn't done anything.

I picked up the papers to make us legally separated last Friday, filled them out but have yet to drop them off .. that would get the ball rolling for us 'legally'.

Decided screw it, she can do it.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I have suggested mediation a few times as well, tried to talk her into taking the government course required for it ... so far I have not heard anything about it.

Last week or the week before I asked her if she took it .. or at least signed up for it. "I've been busy" is all I get.

So instead of taking the course and trying mediation (the court will probably suggest it anyways .. and the course is a requirement to go to court) she just says "we should just do this in court because we don't agree on anything and mediation would only work if we could agree on things."

My response (which I think is logical) "We don't agree on things right now, but an unbiased "for the best of the children" 3rd party opinion might really help resolve this".

Of course, she doesn't think so. Why would she, I think she wants the scare factor of it, but I'm not scared.. I told her when she brought it up that we will go to court then.

Also told her in a text last week that court would just another life experience.

I'm awaiting the papers in the mail.

Told her on Friday I was going to be filing for separation, meh.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Hey Emma. Mine has said 'lawyer' this and 'court' that a few times .. but hasn't done anything.
> 
> I picked up the papers to make us legally separated last Friday, filled them out but have yet to drop them off .. that would get the ball rolling for us 'legally'.
> 
> Decided screw it, she can do it.


I like it! I think I am having an aggro day - maybe I should go to the gym.

I feel like limbo is a kick to my proverbial balls - I can't date, I can't move on, I tell people I am married - but I live a single life in that I have no support from my spouse, live alone, do everything on my own and have to act as married. If feels like a load of crapola if you ask me.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

May I ask why you pretend to be married?


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well it depends on who it is - with family I have finally come clean. I just started a new job and they hired me with the thought we were moving here so my husband could attend school. I didn't want them to think they hired some lady, going through a divorce in one of the flightiest cities in the country.

Plus, my husband and I are separated, but agreed to act as married even though we are living apart (aka no outside relationships). Until the call is made, I figure why bother people with my business since he "might" come back. IDK.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

I was basically thrown away... put out of an apartment where I paid rent... told in so many words I wasn't good enough, but am still expected to contribute to the cause... and this weekend, I will have to make the call... I've been alone for a while (even while we were living together), so it's actually no surprise that I'm going to have to do this by myself as well.... It's funny though how I'm only good enough to listen to her sob stories and take care of the business side of things... I'm kinda looking forward to getting things rolling. (but it's still a slap in the face when I reflect on it all) :rant:


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Mine never used the word divorce, but he hasn't contacted me in three months or paid any of his bills, so yeah, decision made. He is also ignoring his parents, who thankfully love me and are supportive of whatever I do. When the person you love shows you he doesn't feel the same, why fight it? Like OVS said, someone out there will love to be with me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Ughhh to all of you :| Sorry I am feeling riled up today - I just started a new job with no training and made enough Excel errors for a lifetime. I told my friend I am going to get DIV tattooed going down my middle back with the 0 being my ... ok, crude I know, but if any of you use Excel maybe you just had a chuckle on me. I guess that would go perfectly with my husband's initials, wedding ring, date we got married and our last name 18 inches down my left side. Live and learn and then get "Luvs?"

Seriously though, I am sorry you all are going through this. In some ways maybe it is a relief you took charge.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I think you might feel better just letting it out there though, of course, that is a personal preference.

Today was my first day back to work after taking 3 months off to take care of the kids, when someone asked where I was .. I was honest.

Got a lot of good support (sadly, most of the people in the plant have been divorced a few times .. lol).


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

She is going to have to make the call in my situation - I insist, I want her to totally own it. But I guess I'm "lucky" - we are totally functionally split now as is - sold the house, divided the assets and so on, plus 50/50 co-parenting for our daughter. Unlike most, we've not had an argument about any of that, so all that remains is the paperwork and about a $400 filing fee (which she can pay for, fill in, "serve" i.e. I'll look it over for fairness when she brings it to me, then sign it/self file it.

Because we are completely functionally split like we are, it really makes very little difference to me. I don't feel held back from seeing other people because of a now worthless piece of paper that says we are still married.

If our split was not as even as it has been, however (say I was getting crazy child support and alimony demands etc like so many unfortunately do) - I'd be taking the ball and serving her for sure out of self preservation needs.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Did they make you feel guilty afterwards? Do you think they wanted you to make the call so it wouldn't be on their shoulders?


Exactly!!! My stbxw deceives herself with the best of them... I'm sure she can't wait to tell people "He filed for it" like I had a choice... I joined TAM after having nightmares about her with OM a week into our separation... She joined facebook months before our separation trying to connect with old and new "friends"... I never gave her a hard time about it, but we vowed when we got married to not have any online profiles (because we met online).


I know that was random but I guess I had some residual ranting to get out of my system. I love this site. It keeps me from contacting her, while still expressing my feelings...


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

WorriedDad - Yes our situation is amicable too in that regard, it's like a breakup with paperwork. I never depended on him financially and we split everything before we separated. That being said, we agreed to "act" as married until he makes us his mind. Now we are living 3 states away - he moved out in April and I moved out of state two weeks ago. What a mess - but a mess I agreed to.

TW - man, rant all you want to us! You are in good company


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Amazing how you can feel safer sharing your feelings online with relative "strangers" than with someone you shared years of your life with...


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> My husband left me in April to figure himself out, with some sort of random deadline of August. That being said, I am getting so sick of limbo part of me just wants to end it. How many of you made the call even though your spouse rolled the ball and pushed it down the hill? Did they make you feel guilty afterwards? Do you think they wanted you to make the call so it wouldn't be on their shoulders?


Emma,
i am in a simialar situation however was never given a "deadline" i feel as if this is what he wants the HE should have to do it, but the more i think about it the more what your last sentence said makes sense. he doesnt want to be the one who ended it by filling although he was the one that walked away....

Hang in there and best of luck to u!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Bullies prefer to portray themselves as the victims. They push you around until they get from you the reaction they want so that they can turn around and fall down the aggrieved victim of you. My wife is a diabolical genius with this. She'll nag and nag and nag and push and push and grumble until you can't take it anymore. Then she runs away with fake tears wailing how you're the monster. She does this with the kids too. And then to follow up she punish you by backing out of some near term commitment like going to lunch or something like that - leaving you hanging with other people who expect to be there. 

In the cases of divorce these are the people who desperately don't want to be married but they harvest secret evil joy in never doing anything about it so that you do. That way they can run back to their friends or their mama bawling their eyes out. It's extremely pathological. I call it the Joan Crawford Syndrome.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Emma1981 said:


> That being said, we agreed to "act" as married until he makes us his mind.


All I can say with that is....that arrangement can't be enforced. If he is the "walker", and living 3 states away....it might not be the case, but I wouldn't hedge your bets on him not seeing anyone else (even if its just a fling here and there, say). I'm not suggesting going out and sleeping around (unless you want to) - but arrangement like these are usually made/agreed to by dumpers as they love the idea of keeping the other person as a standby plan.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

worrieddad said:


> All I can say with that is....that arrangement can't be enforced. If he is the "walker", and living 3 states away....it might not be the case, but I wouldn't hedge your bets on him not seeing anyone else (even if its just a fling here and there, say). I'm not suggesting going out and sleeping around (unless you want to) - but arrangement like these are usually made/agreed to by dumpers as they love the idea of keeping the other person as a standby plan.


I would agree in most cases - but I am dealing with an ex-marine, suffering with PTSD who moved home with his parents in a town of 900 people to get away from everything. I wish this was so simple as it being someone else - where he has gone, nobody can help him.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> ...these are the people who desperately don't want to be married but they harvest secret evil joy in never doing anything about it so that you do. That way they can run back to their friends or their mama bawling their eyes out. It's extremely pathological. I call it the Joan Crawford Syndrome.


That's crazy!!!! It's like you know my stbxw or something! lol
One of her chief complaints was how she doesn't have any friends, whenever I'd suggest she should hang out with her friends, yet now we're separated she has more friends then you could imagine on facebook! It's like she needed an excuse to have people feel bad for her so she could work them back into her life without them giving her a hard time for turning her back on them in the first place. I don't get it... drama queen for sure...


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Emma1981 said:


> I would agree in most cases - but I am dealing with an ex-marine, suffering with PTSD who moved home with his parents in a town of 900 people to get away from everything. I wish this was so simple as it being someone else - where he has gone, nobody can help him.


In that case I do have some sympathy for him (having done "a few" deployments myself). And all the more credit to you for giving him the benefit of the doubt for a while. I can see its a tough spot for you to be in, but given the extenuating circumstances, if you are willing to hold out for him, he may come to see in time that he shouldn't have pushed you away. Do you still visit/keep in touch (if not with him at least his family etc). Hard to really offer advice as its outside the usual boundaries and everyone reacts to PTSD differently.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

He wanted to divorce but never took any action. I knew I would have to file or it wouldn't happen and we would be legally married until the end of time. This is so inline with his personality- he never wants to deal with anything unpleasant and prefers to allow things to continue until someone else (me) feels compelled to handle it. 

Even after I filed, he held off on signing the papers for months (even though he is in a serious relationship with the OW). I can't talk, however, I am holding off on completing the actual divorce. Why? It's just so final. And this is so inline with _my_ personality- there is still a small part of me that somehow thinks he will wake up and come back to me. Not realistic. 

I just don't think I'm emotionally ready to go through with it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex W was the one wanting to end it, brought up divorce word, repeatedly said she was checked out and done, even I found out about her PA she was the one unilaterally deciding it was over... Eventually I got my wits and asked her to leave which she seemed relieved to do (as if it was my choice). Then when I found out about OM#2 that had been occurring all along I understood that it was on me to start the legal process. Even though I would have stopped it at any time if she had shown any interest in R, I did not do the wrong thing at all, no regrets about being the one to file.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

worrieddad said:


> In that case I do have some sympathy for him (having done "a few" deployments myself). And all the more credit to you for giving him the benefit of the doubt for a while. I can see its a tough spot for you to be in, but given the extenuating circumstances, if you are willing to hold out for him, he may come to see in time that he shouldn't have pushed you away. Do you still visit/keep in touch (if not with him at least his family etc). Hard to really offer advice as its outside the usual boundaries and everyone reacts to PTSD differently.


Yes, I bounce back and forth between sympathy, frustration and anger but the point is I am still hanging in here - even being 3 states away in Las Vegas. We don't really talk since he has no answers for me and if I dig, he just gets frustrated since he has nothing for me. Since that is all I want to talk about (I can't really talk about the weather atm) I just give him his space and let him be. 

His relationship with his parents is odd to me - when we were still together, I was talking to his mom about him and it's like they don't so much as pick up the phone to check on him (I was like, hey something is wrong with your son and he is leaving me too - call him, extend a hand because I can't help him). He would do anything for them, and they don't do anything for him. He was working full time AND going to school full time, they never so much as asked how his classes were going or anything, even told me "well school doesn't pay the bills" when I tried to tell them how well he was doing. That being said, he loves them and wanted to go home. Not sure what that will do - I am his biggest supporter. IDK.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We separated in April. She wanted the divorce, and I just filed June 29. No regrets at all, especially after today when she told me about the affair that had been ongoing since at least October.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Gosh all these affairs - sorry to hear about that everyone. I just don't understand the "affair" mentality - why not at least show your spouse some respect and pull the trigger prior to taking down your pants or getting into a new emotional tie?


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Long story short :-

1. Wife leaves (dont love you anymore)
2. I find out about affair
3. I tell other persons spouse and her parents
4. Eventually she comes back to "Reconcile"
5. No effort on her part to reconcile - all one sided - e.g she wont wear wedding rings!! RED FLAG!!
6. During this time she spends nights away (not with whom she says she is) and we have no sex
7. I end it, becasue limbo sucks

End of the day SHE WANTED OUT BUT ALSO WANTED ME TO END IT.

Do I regret it, hell no, im not in limbo anymore.

Im a "nice guy" too (5 years of doormatting) and working to fix that for wife #2 lol


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

I filed for divorce after a month of separation. I don't want to be in reconciliation limbo because separation is a painful experience. I won't to move on from this nightmare asap. My case...

1. 10 years of being a doormat.
2. Wife checks out of marriage.
3. I have to move away from the children because of her cold icy behavior.
4. I going through extreme loneliness and depression for a month. Suicidal many times.
5. Filed for divorce after a month
6. Exposed an EA. After exposure it all made sense. She half heartedly wanted counseling. I called bull****.
7. Kill my cell phone and email to enforce no contact and mitigate my OCD.
8. Continue with divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yep, he left me said he needed 'space', came back for one day and then decided it wasn't going to happen, I filed three weeks later. He has done literally nothing, hasn't even got a lawyer which is making everything takes twice as long
Story of our marriage - he decides he wants to do something and does f*ck all until I actually implement it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

boxhead201 said:


> I filed for divorce after a month of separation. I don't want to be in reconciliation limbo because separation is a painful experience. I won't to move on from this nightmare asap. My case...
> 
> 1. 10 years of being a doormat.
> 2. Wife checks out of marriage.
> ...


I think thats called "Going Cold Turkey" mate.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex kept using the suggestion of divorce as a control maneuver. The last time he did it, he was staying in my apartment as part of his request to give it another chance. When I accepted and told him he could take his things and leave while I took my dog for a walk, he turned into a vicious beast. 

I'm really certain he never expected me to end it.
But it finally dawned on me, a person who uses threat of divorce to maintain a sense of power and control in a marriage, isn't really in a marriage. They have no respect for vows or bonds. They are just using a legal state of being to achieve their own ends. I removed that legal state of being. Even at the case management hearing, I requested that he write specifically a letter and sign it that if something happened to him, i.e. disability or death, that I was free from any obligation to manage his estate or to make decisions for him as his next of kin.

You bet I made the call, and I had no issues doing so.
He is in permanent time out, lol.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> My husband left me in April to figure himself out, with some sort of random deadline of August. That being said, I am getting so sick of limbo part of me just wants to end it. How many of you made the call even though your spouse rolled the ball and pushed it down the hill? Did they make you feel guilty afterwards? Do you think they wanted you to make the call so it wouldn't be on their shoulders?


I've been waiting on her to figure out what she wants for many many years now..and I was always left holding the ball waiting on her to either fish or cut bait.

I made the choice after being left in the lurch many times. To be honest, I should have done it many years ago, but the question of "what if she FINALLY does what she needs to do?".. I've learned that what ifs are not reality and that kind of hope only delays the inevitable.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

When you think about it, to me anyway, it obvious.

If they want to be with you, they would bust a ball to acheive just that. If that balls not being busted, and you are in limbo, they want you to end it so their guilt is not so much on their shoulders as it would otherwise be.

The tell tale sign is what they do after you break it off.......mine gave me crocodile tears for 4 hours, then went mardy over my financial offer (I eventually upped it becasue im a nice guy) and then left :smthumbup:

Not once did she argue to stay with me and we work on us, all I got is the reasons why we should split up.

It will soon be time to find somebody far superior, after I have become a "Bad boy"


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

donkler said:


> It will soon be time to find somebody far superior, after I have become a "Bad boy"


I'm also trying to get rid of the nice guy image I have of myself and not worry what the opposite sex thinks of me. I've spent far too long trying to please woman to my own detriment.. No more.. At this point, I don't want a relationship, nor could I keep one if I did.. I have far too much work on myself I need to do.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

geek down said:


> I'm also trying to get rid of the nice guy image I have of myself and not worry what the opposite sex thinks of me. I've spent far too long trying to please woman to my own detriment.. No more.. At this point, I don't want a relationship, nor could I keep one if I did.. I have far too much work on myself I need to do.


In reality Geek, im in the exact same place as you my friend, very difficult, good luck


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Donkler, it takes alot of effort from myself to NOT care about what others think and to say NO to being someone's shoulder to cry on. I've been the problem solver for so long, its ingrained in my character.. It feels SO wrong to me at this point..but I know I need to stop being the nice guy doormat.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Again Geek, If you could face me it would be like looking in a mirror.

I was in the office just 3 weeks ago, two girls were talking one of them sent me a text saying "She says you're the nicest gay straight bloke she knows"

This had me scratching my head, and I asked her what she meant, she said "its not usual for straight men to be so nice and not be gay"....and "it was a huge compliment."

Since my marriage break down, Im going down the route of "Not changing" when I say that im still going to walk around and smile and have a chat with people (my old self before I got lost in marriage), but I AM GOING TO TRY to set my boundaries with people especially ladies.

I would litteraly jump through burning hoops to save any female, to feel accepted. Strange stuff isnt it :scratchhead:


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Well.. as a boy I was always told to be nice. Nice don't get it done dude.. I feel its our 'white knight' mentality and that women SAY they want a hero, but when they get one, they use and abuse him to get their way. 

There is this one little Albanian girl at work.. Really cute, but such a bad flirt. She'd get any guy to do any work for her just by leaning forward, showing off some of her EXTREMELY ample cleavage and batting her eyes... She used to do it to me, and it would work.. Now...She does it and I smile and walk away... SO, she stopped doing it and now engages me in conversation and give me tight hugs when I come in to work.. I think to myself, its nice to get a hug, but what does she want in return.. Then I say to myself, whatever she wants to get, she better accept that she's not getting it. 

Hold your head high man!! I've learned that it doesn't stir the kool-aid to bend to these behaviors..

Now, I have another friend of mine that I've known for many many years.. I've had a crush on her for that long too..I blew my chance with her years ago and got put into orbit in the friends zone.. It never was ok to me, but now...I kinda like it.....Now she sees the changes and I think her feelings are changing...I just hope the roles have not reversed, as i don't want a relationship at all right now..


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Hey some of us like nice guys, I say just be true to yourself.

For any future responders, if you could also put how long you were in limbo for.

Good morning and Happy 4th to all you US folks (or anyone celebrating).


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

5 months of real limbo for me Em.

Real Real Limbo started when we were "Reconciling" NOT.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

geek down said:


> There is this one little Albanian girl at work.. Really cute, but such a bad flirt. She'd get any guy to do any work for her just by leaning forward, showing off some of her EXTREMELY ample cleavage and batting her eyes... She used to do it to me, and it would work.. Now...She does it and I smile and walk away... SO, she stopped doing it and now engages me in conversation and give me tight hugs when I come in to work.. I think to myself, its nice to get a hug, but what does she want in return.. Then I say to myself, whatever she wants to get, she better accept that she's not getting it.


Ugh women do this is and works? Gosh I try to keep my hidden so people take me seriously. 

Yeah I have been in verbal limbo 8 months and physical limbo for 3.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I've been kicking the can down the road for 3 years.. I filed once last year, we reconciled after 6 months apart and then 3 months later she cheated on me...Now I'm not looking back anymore..

I don't want to be a nice guy anymore.. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it..I've put myself on hold for so long that I don't really even know myself anymore..


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Ugh women do this is and works? Gosh I try to keep my hidden so people take me seriously.
> 
> Yeah I have been in verbal limbo 8 months and physical limbo for 3.


DO WOMEN DO THIS??? OH HELLS YEAH!!! If its being exploited then men eventually will see this and not take you seriously, but if you want to release the twins alittle but not exploit the peaks, then I don't think people will think any less of you..


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

geek down said:


> DO WOMEN DO THIS??? OH HELLS YEAH!!! If its being exploited then men eventually will see this and not take you seriously, but if you want to release the twins alittle but not exploit the peaks, then I don't think people will think any less of you..


I can't lol - I refuse to wear any tops of dresses that show the little crack" at work. I don't like it showing it at all actually. That being said, I am pretty much all boob, so even though they remain caged you can't really miss them. 104lbs and 32DD ... well I think most people get side tracked by my muscles actually. "You have veins in your arms, do you workout????" Nope just a crack head with good vascularity.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I need to find me a chick I can workout with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> I need to find me a chick I can workout with
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's actually one thing I am worried about - IF I end up divorced. who is going to put up with my lifestyle? My husband was really good about supporting all my competitions and eating habits. I am pretty extreme, I feel like anyone else will look at me like I am nuts. 

When I say extreme ... I have rarely missed a workout in 10 years (yes I go if I am sick, busy or on vacation), I weigh all my food, never eat out, drink like 4 times a year. I would offer to cook for him but he would always tell me no since I would never eat it and he would feel bad. 

Sorry not to get off topic - even my parents said "how will you date if you never eat out???"


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

My wife left and won't even talk about what she wants. She doesn't talk about divorce, She also never talks about R. She seems to just not want to deal with anything, which is how she always was.
I know when I get to the point of giving up I will be the one who has to do the dirty work. It's not fair that our spouses do this to us, if they want out they should do the dirty deed. 
Like others have said I wish there was someone else involved. I think it would make it easier to turn my back on her. I don't believe in divorce and our 2 young kids are always saying they want us to be a family again, but I can't do this by myself and like I said she refuses to do anything one way or the other.
EMMA to answer your question, my wife left emotionally 20 months ago and physically on april 28, 2012. I am still hanging on.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

My STBXH has not made any moves to R or D since I kicked him out in February. He's been too busy playing the victim and complaining that he doesn't have the money for this and how he's overwhelmed by that, how his job isn't what he thought it was, how he isn't happy...blah blah blah. But he still chooses to shack up with his OW, so I guess he has made some kind of "decision". 

Well, I decided that she can take care of him permanently. I filed for D last Wednesday and he was served on Sunday. Still haven't heard anything from him. Surprise, surprise.


edit: If I'm honest with myself, STBXH has been emotionally absent since the beginning of our marriage (March 2008). He lost his job soon after we married and I don't think he ever fully recovered. It took him 3 years to find full-time work after a few false starts. He has horrible coping skills and has always refused IC and MC. He's a runner instead of a problem solver. He looks to women for validation instead of men/peers, me, our families. So, it's really not a surprise that he has reacted this way with regards to ending our relationship.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> That's actually one thing I am worried about - IF I end up divorced. who is going to put up with my lifestyle? My husband was really good about supporting all my competitions and eating habits. I am pretty extreme, I feel like anyone else will look at me like I am nuts.
> 
> When I say extreme ... I have rarely missed a workout in 10 years (yes I go if I am sick, busy or on vacation), I weigh all my food, never eat out, drink like 4 times a year. I would offer to cook for him but he would always tell me no since I would never eat it and he would feel bad.
> 
> Sorry not to get off topic - even my parents said "how will you date if you never eat out???"


Oh honey! I went through that same thing and it was misery for my wife. Eventually I found I could relax my diet a little by using intermittent fasting (12 a day!) and lower protein needs to just 1g per kg. That gave me a little more play with eating out at restaurants. To counteract the salts on days I ate out I would just drink a gallon of distilled water and take extra potassium.

You could also rotate different diet strategies...... carb backloading, low bv vegan to high protein 1 on 1 off, pescatarian, high and low carb. The results you'll get from adapting and switchings are amazing!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> Oh honey! I went through that same thing and it was misery for my wife. Eventually I found I could relax my diet a little by using intermittent fasting (12 a day!) and lower protein needs to just 1g per kg. That gave me a little more play with eating out at restaurants. To counteract the salts on days I ate out I would just drink a gallon of distilled water and take extra potassium.
> 
> You could also rotate different diet strategies...... carb backloading, low bv vegan to high protein 1 on 1 off, pescatarian, high and low carb. The results you'll get from adapting and switchings are amazing!


I tried IF and didn't like it - also, it's not that I don't have enough calories to work with, it's more that I weigh EVERYTHING and count macros to a T. When you eat out, you can guestimate, but unless you are back there prepping it and weighing it, no possible way to be accurate. What's worse is going through this the more anal I have become, I weigh less than my last show. Not from starvation or anything (I am at 1750k cal per 104lbs), just taking everything to the gram, using raw weights on all meat and never rounding.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Well, I decided that she can take care of him permanently. I filed for D last Wednesday and he was served on Sunday. Still haven't heard anything from him. Surprise, surprise.



Good for you sweetie! I commend you for your courage to make that happen, and begin the next chapter of your life...

:smthumbup:


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

teewhy said:


> Good for you sweetie! I commend you for your courage to make that happen, and begin the next chapter of your life...
> 
> :smthumbup:


Thanks, teewhy. It's been a journey that I never ever want to take again. But, I know that I am stronger for it.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

muskrat said:


> My wife left and won't even talk about what she wants. She doesn't talk about divorce, She also never talks about R. She seems to just not want to deal with anything, which is how she always was.
> I know when I get to the point of giving up I will be the one who has to do the dirty work. It's not fair that our spouses do this to us, if they want out they should do the dirty deed.
> Like others have said I wish there was someone else involved. I think it would make it easier to turn my back on her. I don't believe in divorce and our 2 young kids are always saying they want us to be a family again, but I can't do this by myself and like I said she refuses to do anything one way or the other.
> EMMA to answer your question, my wife left emotionally 20 months ago and physically on april 28, 2012. I am still hanging on.


Exactly brother! Why do we have to do the dirty work - haven't we been through enough? I know my situation is different than some, maybe it gives me more sympathy at times, but at the end of the day it's frustrating and I feel like I will end up being the bad guy. Or he might say "well it might have worked had you stayed in WA" - I really hope I don't hear that line from him.

Physically April 11th for me and still hanging on as well. We have set a tentative deadline of August 31st, but I feel it's going to come and go without any resolution from him and I will have to make the call.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

teewhy said:


> Exactly!!! My stbxw deceives herself with the best of them... I'm sure she can't wait to tell people "He filed for it" like I had a choice... I joined TAM after having nightmares about her with OM a week into our separation... She joined facebook months before our separation trying to connect with old and new "friends"... I never gave her a hard time about it, but we vowed when we got married to not have any online profiles (because we met online).
> 
> 
> I know that was random but I guess I had some residual ranting to get out of my system. I love this site. It keeps me from contacting her, while still expressing my feelings...


If I have to remind you one more time, it will be a trip to the lumberyard.

It's "posOM" around these parts.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Exactly brother! Why do we have to do the dirty work - haven't we been through enough? I know my situation is different than some, maybe it gives me more sympathy at times, but at the end of the day it's frustrating and I feel like I will end up being the bad guy. Or he might say "well it might have worked had you stayed in WA" - I really hope I don't hear that line from him.
> 
> Physically April 11th for me and still hanging on as well. We have set a tentative deadline of August 31st, but I feel it's going to come and go without any resolution from him and I will have to make the call.


I think you hit the nail on the head, they don't want to be the "bad guy".
I don't even care anymore about what others think. Both our families know she left and I am trying to R. Most importantly our children know who is stopping us from being a family. They adored her and were both very much all about mommy, now they are turning away from her and clinging to me. Just this morning she came to get them to go to her parents for a picnic, our 3 yr. old S kept crying that he wanted to stay with daddy. The worst part for me was I had to calm him and talk him into going with her. 
She has to see what is happening with the kids, she is just so lost in herself now that she is thinking only of herself.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

As usual.... You're right Conrad.

POS OM, he is! No doubt.


Now, no need for the lumber today my friend...


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

muskrat said:


> ....she is just so lost in herself now that she is thinking only of herself.


Muskrat my man, that's usually how we end up here in the first place... Unfortunately!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

I waited around for 4 months while my "wife" tried to find herself. Never committed to anything one way or another. Had a boyfriend on the side, and was clearly cake eating. Its the big D now. Wish I had pulled the trigger when I got the speech back in March. Limbo land sucks. First, you deal with emotions of the separation, then you are almost back to square one, when the D-bomb drops.

The lesson: if you spouse has not been able to give you a straight answer in months, you know what the answer is. Spare yourself the additional heartache. Do the deed and get on getting moving on with your life. Your spouse already has!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

spun said:


> The lesson: if you spouse has not been able to give you a straight answer in months, you know what the answer is. Spare yourself the additional heartache. Do the deed and get on getting moving on with your life. Your spouse already has!


Solid advice - I wish I could allow myself to do this. Sorry to hear about your situation.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

My wife gave me that "looking for myself" line too! Like the rest of you I fell for it. It doesn't mean they're cheating, not at first, it just means they're trying to avoid taking responsibility for their abandonment of descent marriage.... or more likely leaving it up to chance to make a decision for them. 

And that's when the little yes men/women come in and fill their heads full of crap about how your meaningless their relationship with you is and how they would be so much better than their spouse given the chance. I remember those phone calls in the middle of the night questioning if we got married too young after she had been talking with the OM.

Instead of making the call I got pressured into to it by her antagonizing and she filed for divorce the very same day we had a fight. Unfortunately, I hung on so tightly to our failing marriage that I nearly wound up in the psych ward and had to drop out of college for the third time. 

So this whole divorce was completely soul draining and miserable on my end, but at least she gets to enjoy the college education I payed for as a kindergarten teacher and bang an emo rocker wannabe. 

While I may not have seemed like the better option during her affair or divorce, I realized I was a hell of a lot smarter than the other man and my ex wife for that matter. I realized the quicker I gave up and just agreed to her stupid divorce, the quicker I would heal and she would stop fighting with me. Anyways, it's not like the other man will ever come close to filling my shoes.... I think I married down and she cheated on her level.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Solid advice - I wish I could allow myself to do this. Sorry to hear about your situation.


Yeah, I never allowed myself that liberty either, so I can relate. Even though I know it's over, I still find myself going to that delusional place every now and then...that maybe somehow it will work out when the D really get's rolling. We are holding ourselves hostage, not them. Sad, but the cold hard truth. Nothing is ever go to bring them back.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

I am having problems just letting go. I believe our 2 young children deserve for us to at least try. Of course this requires her participation also. I just hate the thought of ending things to soon right before the light bulb in her head goes off. I know I can't wait forever, so sooner or later I will have to just end things.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

muskrat said:


> I am having problems just letting go. I believe our 2 young children deserve for us to at least try. Of course this requires her participation also. I just hate the thought of ending things to soon right before the light bulb in her head goes off. I know I can't wait forever, so sooner or later I will have to just end things.


Similar situation here...2 little ones and no desire to give it one last effort.

So sad. Such a cop out. But one person can't save a marriage. Reality can be cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

My wife gave me the "find herself" BS too. During this time she was trash talking me to her friends. I didn't want to get stuck in reconciliation limbo so I called it and filed for divorce. I found out about an EA soon after. I have two little ones two and I am bummed that she didn't even lift a finger to try and fix our marriage.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I'm in this situation. After 11 years of marriage and 18 year relationship, she moved out a year ago to "figure things out". She refuses to go to couples counseling. She's not interested in working in any way on our relationship. She is however interested in going out drinking with single divorcee girlfriends - apparently she's looking for herself at clubs . 

It's sad but I've learned the hard way that one person most definitely cannot save a marriage, regardless of what anyone tells you, and trying be there for her, give her time, etc - only enables her to drag it out longer, feel less guilt and more empowered, and wonder to herself "if he's trying so hard after I left him - I must be even more wonderful than I thought!". 

At this point, from our shared cell phone bill, I'm fairly certain she is seeing someone. It's really too bad that some people never grow up - only wish she hadn't decided to take on adult responsibility (like getting married) before she knew who she was. 

Oh well. Live and learn for me. I filed the paper work last week. She needs to sign the divorce petition but she's been dragging her feet saying "it's just really hard for her to accept the end of our marriage". Really. Hard. Tell me more about hard. I'm done whether she signs or not. I'm telling the lawyer to move ahead on Monday without her signature on the petition if necessary.

Take it from a voice of experience - no woman or relationship is worth giving up yourself. Be strong, stand your grown, live your life according to your morals and values, and never sacrifice yourself for someone else. You have to put yourself before your spouse and your relationship. 

The cold hard truth is that if someone doesn’t know if they want to be married to you they don’t want to be married to you and the sooner you accept that fact (and take control of your future) the better off you will be.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

dazedguy said:


> The cold hard truth is that if someone doesn’t know if they want to be married to you they don’t want to be married to you and the sooner you accept that fact (and take control of your future) the better off you will be.


Couldnt have said it better myself. When I filed, the weight was lifted off me. I felt for the first time I had some input and control. I have felt so much better. Im not looking back... I know I will be fine!!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> I'm in this situation. After 11 years of marriage and 18 year relationship, she moved out a year ago to "figure things out". She refuses to go to couples counseling. She's not interested in working in any way on our relationship. She is however interested in going out drinking with single divorcee girlfriends - apparently she's looking for herself at clubs .
> 
> It's sad but I've learned the hard way that one person most definitely cannot save a marriage, regardless of what anyone tells you, and trying be there for her, give her time, etc - only enables her to drag it out longer, feel less guilt and more empowered, and wonder to herself "if he's trying so hard after I left him - I must be even more wonderful than I thought!".
> 
> ...


I was looking for your story dazedguy and well here it is. I'm sorry. You seem like a good guy. What pocesses people to act like this? I do believe from experience, you are right, just one person can not save the marriage. I am beginning to accept it Dazedguy. I have a lot of support on here helping me through it.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm in the same boat - my wife left 7 weeks ago to sort our marraige, 2weeks after she said she wants a divorce and hates me, she went into a solicitors then. So far i have received no paper work and nothing has been logged with the court, when i ask my wife she says she doesnt know what she has signed, but has told them to do the divorce... i'm left not knowing if this is a bluff, but the hell i've been put through and the limbo i'm now at a point where i may needs to start the divorce myself. In the meantime my solicitor has wrote to hers to try and get some answers

She tells me things like, if divorce starts she could stop it, if it goes through we could get back together after but not remarry... ????

I'm at my lowest point with it all, whilst she seems to be having a good time and getting all her way.
Just to add the initial breakdown was due to my temper and me drinking, i have stopped drrinking and sorted my temper through anger management - both of these she now says are fine, but its too late the hurt has been done ???


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Yeah 36, best to focus on you. Stop the drinking, get into shape, whatever you feel you need to do for yourself. My wife has said similar things like "If we get divorced and are meant to be together we'll get back together". I guess the idea is that I just sit around for years just in case God or some other divinity decides to intervene. No thank you . 

My advice after 1.5 years in your hellish situation is take care of yourself physically and mentally and try to be around (or make new) friends. This has all helped me tremendously. This and turning the things I have no control over: what she's doing, what my life is going to look like, and the general sense of helplessness over to God.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> What pocesses people to act like this?


I don't know how people could so easily walk away from their spouse and a lifelong convenant. I really don't. 

I think in hindsight codependency was a big factor in my situation. I always felt responsible to "be there for my wife" fixing her problems for her, being responsible for her financially, and just generally feeling like my "role" was to take care of her unspoken wants and needs. The problem with that is overtime she built up a lot of unspoken resentment towards me for treating her like a child or less than me while at the same time since, because she never really had to actually understand and verbalize her wants/needs with me because I was always trying to decode what she needed, she didn't know how to express her resentment in a more healthy way - so she did the only thing she knew how to do, escape. 

What has been so difficult for me is once she left and I woke up to our shared codependency I was able to do what I needed to do to change things (through IC, reading, talking to friends / family about it) and now after 1.5 years I'm really a totally different person (much improved IMO). I only wish she had been capable of handling her resentment differently or that I had been capable of seeing the resentment building in her and done something about it. I know I could have made the changes within our marriage instead of alone. I also feel that she hasn't really changed much through all of this or recognized her responsibility in this so I'm afraid she's going to repeat all of this again just with somebody else, which sucks for her.

I read a quote somewhere in the dozens of marriage books I've read that said "marriage is our last best chance to grow up". I understand exactly what that means now.

I suppose this experience was just something I had to go through to learn. So I'm trying to get the most out of it I possibly can so I never, ever have to go through anything like this again. 

Here's to our future!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"Fixing her problems"

So many have been nailed to that tree.

Men "think" if you fix her problems and cater to her that she'll love you.

Does not work that way.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> "Fixing her problems"
> 
> So many have been nailed to that tree.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

problem is a lot of us guys define our worth by that measure too. If we can't fix people's problems then what use are we. And when we realize this is the crux of our issues, there really isn't anywhere easy to turn to. Makes for vast emptiness.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And, as always, I have to pipe up and say that women fall into the 'fixer' pattern just as easily as men. Unfortunately. We all have to learn that love isn't 'earned' by doing things for or taking care of someone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> And, as always, I have to pipe up and say that women fall into the 'fixer' pattern just as easily as men. Unfortunately. We all have to learn that love isn't 'earned' by doing things for or taking care of someone.


Pixie's piping up?

What a concept.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Pixie's piping up?
> 
> What a concept.


Do I detect a note of sarcasm there?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> Do I detect a note of sarcasm there?


I'm not a fan of shrinking violets.


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