# Teetering on the edge....



## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

I will try to keep this somewhat short and to the point, so here's basic background info on my H and I:

* Known each other for over 25 years, been together 2 years, married for the past 8 months.
* This is his first marriage. Last long-term (5 years) relationship ended 18 years ago. 
* I was with my ex-husband for 21+ years, married for 17 yrs. Divorced due to his infideility.
* H has no kids. I have 3 children from my 1st marriage, ages 18, 16, 12.
* He and my children get along very well, no issues there.
* He has high blood pressure and diabetes, controlled with medications.
* I have anxiety disorder/depression, treated fairly successfully with medication.
* We both work 12 hour night shifts (3-4 nights a week)
* We have 2 separate homes, about 110 miles apart due to his inability to move for work and my desire to maintain a home near my children, who also don't want to move away from the only town/school/friends/family they've ever known.

My anger, frustration, confusion, and now, resentment, are related to our sex life, or lack thereof. When his libido initially started to lessen, we returned to his Dr who diagnosed it as being caused by new medications, so his meds were changed (twice, actually). His libido didn't improve; Dr said it might take up to a year for libido to "adjust" to med side effects....so I decided to be patient and wait it out.

It's been 18 months since his desire/drive have dropped to almost nothing. He had his testosterone levels checked - it's on the very low side of normal, so his insurance won't pay for testosterone supplementation. We can't afford it out of pocket ($400/month). I've asked, cajoled, begged for him to just "help" me get off sometimes, even maybe once a week, when he doesn't want to have sex. I've also asked for him to kiss me - not just a peck on the lips - but I honestly can't remember the last time we had any sort of real, passionate kiss. When we talk about these issues, he agrees to try to compromise and be more attentive sexually. But nothing has changed....

As far as my drive goes, I'd love to have sex as much as possible, which would be the 2-3 times/week we actually see each other. I feel I am at my sexual peak, so to speak, and he is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Additionally, he views sex as a physical act, not an emotional one. He has a hard time expressing feelings in general as well. I think sex is something that goes way beyond the physical realm - I soooo miss the emotional/mental connection we originally had before his libido completely tanked.

My fear now is that I should've postponed the marriage, but I sincerely thought the Dr was right and that things would improve. Now I feel very much "stuck" because he's a wonderful man otherwise, would be devastated if I wanted out, my kids adore him, and he loves them very much as well.

Am I selfish for being angry? Is it wrong that I'd rather be alone than in a nearly sex-less marriage the rest of my life? I'm tired of feeling like we are occasional roommates who decide to help each other get off every 2-3 weeks. But I don't know what to do so that he (and to an extent, my kids) won't be hurt. I'm also honestly ashamed to think that I'd be a two-time divorcee at 38 years old. I'm not sure why, but that thought bothers me alot.

Can anyone give me some advice from a more objective standpoint? Thanks.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Welcome to the club. Lots of members here. I'm not sure why sexless zombies rise from their crypts, snatch up perfectly healthy heterosexuals, and marry them. There is an abundance of LD women out there for your LD man. There is no law that prevents people from being single or advertising for a roommate. What makes someone believe they have the right to drag a fully functioning, sexual being into their hell? Dating is mate selection. If folks have no desire to mate, they have no business on the playing field, posing as actual players. At least in your case, you knew your's was LD before you married him. Many of us proposed to great sexual partners but ended up leaving the marriage ceremony with nuns. At 38, I'd probably bail on this one. He can find a maid or a buddy elsewhere.


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

It's sad that there are so many "members" in this club. It's a hard place to be in for sure and I am so lost. I will clarify that my H originally had a great sex drive, he would've had sex every day if we could, and we had sex nearly every day we were together. It was fun and good all around. His desire didn't change until a few months into the relationship, after he started medications for high blood pressure and diabetes. That's why I was confident his drop in libido was due to the meds and felt that the doctor was accurate in her statement that things would get better in time. *sigh*


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's the drugs..... SSRIs kill sex drive! And can cause sexual problems years after you stop taking them. Some others like mood stabilizers cause premature ejaculation. They can give him something else to help out but you'll still have to take care of the Testosterone issue. I would go with 1 gm of tribulus terresteris.... It's a plant that stimulates the testies to ramp up testosterone production. Together with Eufolia Longjack which releases stored test and maybe an anti estrogen compound you can get close to the same benifits less that $100 a month (to be cycled down a half dose after a month and off the third). 

Once his test is in check and the mental health meds are dosed right... You still might want to stimulate him manually and encourage him to play with it for a while because by now if his test was that low, he will have to re adjust to getting more erections and opening the atrophied blood vessels slowly. You gotta trust me on this, an ED med will hurt if he hasn't had a strong full erection in some time. You could also buy him a penis pump (2-3hg 10-15 min 1X day) if you think he would use it. You either use it or lose it and erections after atrophy if possible are frekkin painful. Also more erections without ejaculation will increase test for up to 3 days.

I'm thinking at this point he's probably feeling ashamed and insecure with depression and lower testosterone. I would really encourage you to be his cheerleader and not pressure him about this if he's confiding anything in you. I fact I'm willing to bet everything that his current meds and dosage isn't working for him. I take meds for bipolar disorder and know how some can make me feel ok and others can make me damn near suicidal. It sucks but it realy is a trial and error thing.


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## EliasFaust (Apr 16, 2012)

you knew your's was LD before you married him.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

LD or not, seems odd that he wouldn't even enjoy kissing you passionately. Does he give a reason why?

Sounds like overall he's not really communicating with you where his heart and actions are. Perhaps listen to him sometime, maybe there's something else at play. Also not sleeping together (even if it's just sleep) can't be helping. Is there no way he can't sleep at your house even if it's an inconvenience commute wise?

I'd highly recommend getting a second opinion on his meds. If they are the right meds given how it's affecting your marriage. Don't just see another doc in the same office, go to a completely separate one if you're insurance covers that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi secondrodeo ~

I agree with going and getting a different opinion about his medication. Is he at a healthy weight? Does he exercise or work out? 

If his testosterone is low normal as well, that could be a big contributing factor. Is he fatigued a lot? A low normal reading may not necessarily wipe out his libido, but it could wipe out his energy and pep.

As well, you mention that this is his first marriage after 18 years of not being in a relationship? How old is your husband? What were the reasons why he went so long between relationships, and why he never considered marriage before? He's had a long time on his own to not have to worry about anyone else but himself.

Best wishes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Second,

I too am on medication for a number of things too including high BP, diabetes, thyroid, cholesterol, etc and my drive is still higher than my wife's so I'd also suggest counseling to dig a little deeper


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

As for his testosterone, I did some quick searches on google for "natural ways to increase testosterone for men". Figured natural ways would be cheaper as well as healthier.

One of the first links I came across was this: How to increase testosterone naturally

Seems like some practical things in there that would be pretty easy to incorporate into your lives. It might help him bring back the passion.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diabetes and BP meds can indeed cause ED. Maybe your H still has a libido but is troubled by performance issues? I have both also (no libido or ED) and struggle to lose weight, to the point that I'm seriously considering weight-loss surgery. Maybe your husband needs to do something similarly drastic?

Also, are you sure that your health insurance will not pay for testosterone replacement? I know that the insurers publish formularies that list coverage and restrictions, but there is an appeals process. There are also cheaper sources of meds than whatever the Dr. writes up for the local pharmacy. Have you:

1) Had your doctor apply for a waiver of that restriction? I've had instances where my doc felt I needed an Rx that was off-formulary. Every time, the restriction was waived or there was an acceptable substitute on the formulary.

2) Checked for cheaper medication? If your insurance will not help at all, ask for a list of acceptable medications that you can shop for yourself.

3) Shopped around? Costco, for one, has really good prices on medications. You can also try ordering from an online pharmacy (a legit one that requires a prescription and uses FDA-approved meds) or see if ordering in bulk (after you find a med you like) saves you money.


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for your replies. Yes, his doctor actually appealed to his insurance company regarding paying for testosterone. They won't cover it unless his levels are absolutely below what is considered normal, regardless of his symptoms. 

Yes, he is fatigued and overweight. He has no issues with ED or performance. We can get him hard with minimal stimulation and he can perform well for as long as I want/need him to. It's just that he has NO sexual desire whatsoever.

I am going to look for a marriage counselor. He has mentioned before that if I think we need it, he'd gladly go. He's open to suggestions for help.

As far as his past relationships, he's dated off & on but never really found a woman he wanted to settle down with. So yes, he's been very independent. However, he is super laidback and easy to get along with and he still gets his alone/friends time so I don't thinik that's an issue at all.

Again, thanks for your input and I am willing to listen and consider anyone's suggestions.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Welcome to the club. Lots of members here. I'm not sure why sexless zombies rise from their crypts, snatch up perfectly healthy heterosexuals, and marry them. There is an abundance of LD women out there for your LD man. There is no law that prevents people from being single or advertising for a roommate. What makes someone believe they have the right to drag a fully functioning, sexual being into their hell? Dating is mate selection. If folks have no desire to mate, they have no business on the playing field, posing as actual players. At least in your case, you knew your's was LD before you married him. Many of us proposed to great sexual partners but ended up leaving the marriage ceremony with nuns. At 38, I'd probably bail on this one. He can find a maid or a buddy elsewhere.


:iagree: It sounds kinda mean but it's true that mismatched sex drives can burn out a marriage. I barely survived that same situation, and it wasn't pretty. My bitterness about being forced to continue a celibate marriage lasted a long time. My thought is: No one deserves that particular hell.

But hey, don't leave until you've tried everything, right? Maybe it would be worth the $400 to FIND OUT if the testosterone would work. Is your marriage worth 400 bucks? 

Think about it.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

Second, you mention that your husband has high blood pressure and diabetes, and takes medication for these. You've also mentioned that he is overweight. If testosterone treatments are not affordable out of pocket, do you think he might commit to a radical fitness program and changes in eating habits? With a doctor's supervision, of course. I've known several people who have been able to stop taking all their medications, especially bp meds and insulin, because they lost weight and more importantly, adopted a mostly plant-based diet. This can certainly be done more cheaply than $400/month, and I know it sounds radical, but just as someone else said, what kind of effort is the marriage worth to him?

I wonder, also, if a psychological component may also be shame or unhappiness over the fact that his body doesn't work like it used to, and the prospect of being in that space, whether it's just to get you off or not, is really uncomfortable for him. Of course, that doesn't mean it would be okay for him to rest in that place of disordered emotion, but maybe that's a place to look when you begin counseling.


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