# Calling It Quits?



## Lucerno (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm going crazy I guess. 15 year marriage to a beautiful woman, but she is so miserable and always has been... she is angry with almost everyone, and everything... but I love her... recently she has been talking divorce... tonight she said she no longer considers me to be her husband... I'm pissed, hurt and have no idea what to do... I dont know there are probably a million stories like this out there... so anyway there it is


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## DeadMetal (Aug 29, 2011)

My wife's often unhappy with her life in general also. She didn't have a lot of friends in highschool and since we got married, almost immediately after highschool, she hasn't really made a lot of other friends. She just told me tonight that she's not happy anymore with me. I don't get it. She's the crown on my head. I've been miserable the past few hours trying to wrap my head around this.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Both of you please go to the men's forum and read up on nice guys. There are some tools you may find that help you cope.

Also, if this was me, I would say this to both your wives...

"ok. Well, if that's what you want. I assum you will get in contact with the lawyers, since you are the one that wants to divorce?". Then, I would do the 180 on her, and act like I'm already divorced. Go here for the 180... Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list


If there is no affairs going on with them, this could be a big fitness test. I would call the bluff and let her just realize what she just said.

If there is an emotional or physical affair going on, then, well, that's a whole different can of worms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucerno (Aug 21, 2011)

There's not an affair that I know of...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants to get a divorce tell her, that you respect her decision even if you don't agree with it.

Dont bend over backwards for her, don't be a doormat and do'nt chase after her. Let her see a confident man.

What happened in your marriage? Why is she so angry? Has she always been like that or did she try to get your attention about problems for awhile and you blew her off?


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If she wants to get a divorce tell her, that you respect her decision even if you don't agree with it.
> 
> Dont bend over backwards for her, don't be a doormat and do'nt chase after her. Let her see a confident man.
> 
> What happened in your marriage? Why is she so angry? Has she always been like that or did she try to get your attention about problems for awhile and you blew her off?


Just want to add one thing... just through my personal experience.
Right now I can tell my H is doing the 180 thing... I applaud him for his self-improvement. It is great to see him develop himself in faucets of life other than his career. However, in my case, he blew me off for 20+ years all for the sake of his career. I was right beside him and supported every step of the way with alot of hollow promises from him to placate me... (I know it was my fault I let that go on for so long) The only little bump he's run into with the "no chasing, wooing, enticing me" portion of this theory.In my case, it is, in essences, blowing me off again .. that all he is doing is purely for his sake... BTDT... I am not going to be attracted or chase anything or one that doesn't show any interest in me.


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## Hilary Henderson (Sep 7, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Also, if this was me, I would say this to both your wives...
> 
> "ok. Well, if that's what you want. I assum you will get in contact with the lawyers, since you are the one that wants to divorce?". Then, I would do the 180 on her, and act like I'm already divorced. Go here for the 180... Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list


I don't think this is good advice when we know so little about what's going on. Inviting her to call the divorce attorney is a huge slap in the face. It really depends on what else is happening. If the wife in question has been feeling neglected, ignored, or taken for granted, then pulling away is going to be another nail in the coffin. Withdrawing affection is NEVER a good idea with a woman you want to keep. And finally, acting like you're already divorced is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe half of that list is good advice, IMO (the parts about focusing on her, staying calm, taking care of yourself, not pleading with her or following her around).

Guys, there's only one way to figure out what's going on in your wife's head - and that's to ask. And then listen. Ask and listen, ask more questions and listen some more. You can start with, "You just said that you don't see me as your husband anymore (or whatever). What did you mean by that?" If you don't understand what she's saying, ask clarifying questions like "What does that mean to you?" or just say, "I don't understand. Will you tell me more?"

If she gets agitated by your questions, calmly say, "I really want to help make this better. But I can't do that unless I understand what's going on. I need you to help me understand."

When she seems talked out, ask, "What do you want me to be doing differently?" or "What would it take for you to feel good about being with me again?" If she doesn't know yet, that's ok. Invite her to think about it and let you know. (You're not promising to do it.)

Don't address anything she says other than to make general noncommittal noises like "I see" or "ok" or "go on." If it seems appropriate AND you're sorry, say you're sorry for anything she says she's upset or hurt about. If you're not sorry, just say, "I hear you." Make a mental note of everything she says or write it down. Take lots of deep breaths. Count to ten. Just don't give your opinion or your side of the story and don't argue.

If you really ask, don't respond other than to encourage her to go on, and really listen, she will probably open up and you will learn a lot.

At the end, say "I'm really making note of what you've told me. And I'm going to give it a lot of thought. If you think of anything else you want to tell me, please tell me. I will hear you out."

You probably won't like most of what you learn. That's how it goes. But at least then you can DO something about it. So report back on what you learn and we can go from there.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Hilary Henderson said:


> I don't think this is good advice when we know so little about what's going on. Inviting her to call the divorce attorney is a huge slap in the face. It really depends on what else is happening. If the wife in question has been feeling neglected, ignored, or taken for granted, then pulling away is going to be another nail in the coffin. Withdrawing affection is NEVER a good idea with a woman you want to keep. And finally, acting like you're already divorced is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe half of that list is good advice, IMO (the parts about focusing on her, staying calm, taking care of yourself, not pleading with her or following her around).
> 
> Guys, there's only one way to figure out what's going on in your wife's head - and that's to ask. And then listen. Ask and listen, ask more questions and listen some more. You can start with, "You just said that you don't see me as your husband anymore (or whatever). What did you mean by that?" If you don't understand what she's saying, ask clarifying questions like "What does that mean to you?" or just say, "I don't understand. Will you tell me more?"
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's miserable and always has been? Well, there ya go. She's unhappy because she knows no other way to be and honestly, she probably wouldn't be content any other way. Let her go and you'll probably soon feel the weight of the world fall from your shoulders. There are actually warm, caring, positive people in this world and life is too short to spend latched on to a perpetually miserable human being.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Lucerno, you could be describing my wife. Other than saying she "*won't* divorce me" (for reasons that, to me, are clearly just economical) everything else is her to a tee.

I hope things can be sorted for both of us, as I love my wife too.


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