# am i the dumbest person alive?



## imustbedumb (May 4, 2011)

so...i must apologize in advance, this will probably be a very long post. 

I have been separated for 7 months now. Here is the whole story. 

When we first met she was 12 and i was 14. I moved to different states after school and eventually came back on a holiday and we fell in love (she was 16 and me 18 by then). I moved back to this state and we dated for another 2 years before i moved back to the other state for work, she came with for a year before becoming "family and home sick". So i left with her. A month after getting back to her family we found out she was pregnant. During her pregnancy, she got gall stones. and also broke her foot and needed a wheelchair. 2 months before we had our daughter we got married (i had already planned this awhile ago, but the pregnancy sped it up). Because of pregnancy and my new job, we had no honeymoon....suppose that is where it really started to go downhill already. 

The first 6 months of being a father and husband was tough. I would leave for my job at 4am, get home at 7pm. Cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen, played with my daughter for awhile, then relaxed and played the computer for about an hour. i would goto bed at 12am almost every night, just to go back to work at 4 again. I never really payed much attention to my wife during work days. I would talk, maybe watch a tv show with her for 30 min or so, but after cooking, cleaning, looking after daughter and wanting to relax a bit. time seemed to elude "us". We started having major arguments. Not spending enough time together etc, weekends i just wanted to relax because of hard work weeks. And housework was almost always done by me. My wife did have gall stones still, and looking after our daughter. So i tried not to be angry about her not cooking etc. But it came to a head. The arguments were making me miserable at work, i started taking time off. To the point of where i got fired because i was too "family orientated". 

A week later my wife had her gall bladder removed. I did my best to look after her and the house and my daughter. I stopped looking for work because i thought if i got a job again the arguments would start again. Things went well for 6 months, relationship wise etc. But money was increasingly tighter on government handouts. One of my long time friends started helping with money. But at the same time, he started making decisions for the house, i needed the help, so i didnt say much. My wife would be ok with things, because he was there discussing it, but afterwards she would blow up at me and say she didnt want this this and this. about a year since my last job i finally found another one. this job was ok, less travel time. But the cooking and cleaning was still being done by me. I sort of put up with it. 

I was on and off this new job every 6 months for 2 years. because they kept running out of work, and i never tried very hard to look for work because i thought well 6 months holiday 6 months work. to try and keep her happy. I was constantly becoming more involved with computer games.....i was addicted to it to "escape life". My wife and i stopped paying attention to each other. Our sex life became once a month if we were lucky. Communication broke down. I eventually didnt get work back, the job didnt want me again. I had come to the point of not looking for work at all and just playing computer, doing all the things i had to for the house and my daughter, but never going out with my wife, not paying attention to her....or myself for that matter.

October 2010....my wife kicked me out and said she is in love but not in love with me... and needed some space.....the usual story, i was flabbergasted. Did not realize it etc etc. I broke down, begged, pleaded,cryed, everything you were not meant to do. 3 weeks later, i went to see my father in another state. That same day my wife said she was going out with a friend she had met on an online game. Stupid me actually helped her by showing her directions to get there. She told me "dont worry he is just a friend and his sister will be there". Because of my depression i guess i just went with it. I found out 2 days later she spent the night with him. in every way u can think of. This made me lose it and i came straight back, cryed some more infront of her and my daughter, begged, pleaded etc etc. 

a month went by. I sort of started to get back on track, was concentrating on my daughter more. Sort of on myself too. I was still on and off texting my wife the miss you etc. I had started reading these forums but never posted, i just took advice from everyone elses stories similar to mine. Not that i ever really did anything properly. I tried the 180, it lasted about 2 weeks before i broke it. Tried ignoring her completely which was impossible because of my daughter. Tried hating, Tried everything i could think of. I kept coming back to telling her i loved her at least 2 or 3 times a month. 2 months after she was with this new man. She came to me, broke down, and said she still loved me. Here i came knight in shining armor....we hugged awhile while she cried alot. talked a little bit, she was going away for a camping trip with family the next day. I told her to take this week alone to really think about who she wants to be with.

First day she rang me and said she wants to be with other man because she talked to him.....i told her to not contact him OR me during this week, or it will make it worse. She came back a week later, came in and told me how daughter was etc etc, i guess i was expecting her to tell me she loved me....or something...and when she went to leave, nothing was said. So i made it worse by asking her, and she said she still doesnt know, so i said, it would take me time before i could trust u aswell. She got angry and upset, and went straight to the other mans house that evening. (i later found out that she would have been with me, but because i said the trust thing??) I went depressed again...

2 more months went by, i had finally gotten to more of an acceptance stage, but i was still missing her, i had completely and utterly looked at my marriage, at all the mistakes i made, i had cleaned myself up, started looking after my daughter the best i could, spoiling her and everything, i was starting to be happy. Then my wife came to me again, broke down again and stupid me fell for it hook line and sinker.....came over, talked etc. the next day she was at the other mans house again.

fast forward to now. I find myself happier when i am concentrating on trying to get her back. I know this is stupid.....from what i have red from everyones stories....

The last 2 weeks, we have talked more than usual, she has said she doesnt see a future with the other man. she has said shes talked to her mum about her feelings for me, she has told me she sees all the things that she wanted me to be, i finally have a stable job, look good, am sorting my life out, not playing computer as much, etc etc. She constantly argues with her other man and tells me about it. She has told me intricate details about her relationship with him. and i have tried my hardest to not get upset, or show that it affects me, i have tried not to put him down, because he constantly puts me down. i want to show im a bigger better person.

Last week i gained access to her email account while she asked me to do something (i do not know if she trusted me to not look or if she planned for me to look?).....i couldnt help but look....i found emails...dating back to 6 months before we broke up, of her being interested in another man....this hurt me even more, but i didnt say anything. Anyways.....

Last night, we had a lengthy chat. She said she is confused. She has feelings for me, but has feelings for this new guy apparently too, even tho she fights with him constantly and told me she doesnt see a future with him. But then she went on to say that it was fun and exciting.

She said she wants me, but she said she needs time, i asked so why are u still with other man, she said she doesnt know, i left and now i just dont know. I mean im reading this right now and thinking...wow....your falling for her trap every f^%$ing time.....

I have told her if she wants to sort herself out she needs to get rid of this new man, naturally she has not listened to me, she says, she does not want me to "pressure her" about my relationship with her, or to get rid of the other guy.

Let me just ask, from what you read here....am i the dumbest person alive? I seriously question myself. because i still love and miss my wife, and if i had the chance would take her back tomorow.....but on the other hand i dont think i have fully thought through what taking her back would mean.....Could i forget any of this? and also, if i did go back to her....i really highly doubt she would goto counceling etc. i feel right now a little sad again....because i feel like im winning her back....but at what cost to my own self? i look at it now and i have let her walk all over me.....and im still here telling her i love her....yet shes still with this other guy.....and has not given me a definitive answer as to when she will be alone to sort herself out...

i have got my life back on track. i love and care for my daughter more than ever before. i am missing the person i married, and i have done everything i can to show her this, even if its been against the advice of others. I am finally seeing some sort of emotions from her like she keeps saying "im messed up, and ive made mistakes" but never fully going into detail.....so yea, guess ive had my rant now. and would appreciate any comments.....even if they are harsh at how stupid i have been......


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

To sum it up, you were not taking care of your family financially, so someone else stepped in and did it and you let him.
Your wife lost interest in you and found someone else.
Now you have your act together and she wants you back, but she's "confused".
She's weighing her options on which one of you is the best stable meal ticket. If you take her back, she will leave the next time things get tough.


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## imustbedumb (May 4, 2011)

you are right....and the more i look at it the more i do know that this is what she is doing....comparing both me and the new man....im stable, where as he isnt....thats probably why she hasnt broken it off with him yet either....because she wants to have her fun and in the meantime im still supporting my daughter and her....

has anyone else reconciled with a wife like mine? probably not....i feel strong for trying but weak at the same [email protected]@


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