# what else out there



## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 

let me start by saying that i am new here and i have been watching this forum for a little while now. It seems like a great support group. Okay so my question not sure if am posting in the right place. i will have been married to my wife for 4 years coming up in May we were together for may be 2 years prior to getting married. I keep getting these thoughts in my head wondering what else is out there wondering if i made the right decision to get married to the right person ect ect. i really don't know where to go or what do to. She is a great person i feel like we have slipped in to this friend or roommate category. I really don't know what to do or how to get out of it or frankly if i want to or i should just move on. I have had these thoughts for over a year now. I almost feel that i would be more happy waking up alone and trying to find what i am searching for then waking up next to someone and not knowing if that makes sense. I am going to see a councler my self next week and am very much looking forward to seeing him and getting some advice. We do not have any kids together so i am not sure what i should do. But i must be having these thoughts for a reason right! 


please any thoughts would be great. 
thanks


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

okay let me add a little more background maybe this will help not sure if it will or not. i am 33 just turned and she is 40 just turned. we both when we meet were both just getting out of very long term relationships. Mine was about 4 years and i was engaged and she was in one for about 8 yrs not engaged. We became friends and then more. Moved in together (her house) maybe after 4 months. i am just very much confused as to where to go or what to do. I feel that i must be having these feelings for a reason. Why it is i really dont know. any one out there feel the same way?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop making excuses or thinking your little story will have people telling you to go find what's out there...go cheat...leave your wife.

You seem to have a good life...so get the romance back. date your wife. Treat her like a gf. Get to know here again as a woman. 

You feel that way because you are bored with yourself. Maybe you aren't being seen as the man you are. But this can all be rectified. 

Woo your wife...talk about it with her...

Stay where you are, remember your vows and see your wife through another set of eyes. Cause I promise you, other men are lookin at her


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Check out the married man's sex life book and the website, along with hold on to your n.u.t.s and no more mr nice guy


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I cringe when I hear someone saying that they're in a relationship that's not working for them, and are thinking about leaving, talking to everyone but their spouse about it, and denying that they have the power of transformation in a relationship, by stating in so many words that their spouse is a destination that they've become tired of, and now they're bored. You are a person. People have the power to transform their environments and their lives. If your relationship isn't working for you, please don't blame it on your wife. She hasn't a clue as to how you feel, because you haven't discussed it with her. Imagine if she's feeling the same way, and the two of you give up on dreams or desires that you both share, but are too chicken to admit to each other. Did you marry someone who is a psychopath who will turn your dreams and desires into a weapon to use against you, or did you marry a friend, who will understand and assist, and share the creation of the something new that you desire?


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

i am not at all looking to cheat. that's not why i am on here or what i was asking. i am saying that i don't know what to do. she and i tried to on Friday night and she and i both agree that we are not happy. I am going to see a therapist next week to try to help me figure out my issues. 

I guess i am just not sure if this is what i want. i am not sure if commitment and i know all you women will hate me but not sure if this is what i want. i know she deserves more and we all deserve to be happy. i am just confused as to what cards life is dealing me and how to play them. I have talked with my mom and she said that its normal to go though this stage in a marriage. well why do i keep having these thoughts of i wonder what else is out there.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

Mr Brown i will look that book up. thanks all for the advice also.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*i am saying that i don't know what to do. she and i tried to on Friday night and she and i both agree that we are not happy.*
So youre both not happy and you both dont know why and you expect us to tell you. I suppose I could but it would be guess work.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

accept said:


> *i am saying that i don't know what to do. she and i tried to on Friday night and she and i both agree that we are not happy.*
> So youre both not happy and you both dont know why and you expect us to tell you. I suppose I could but it would be guess work.


thanks well i guess that i asked for that one. What i was more asking is why am i having these recurring feelings of wondering what else life has to offer me. Am i with the right person. How do you know?? i thought that i did at one point in time. How do you know that you are with the right one not the right now?:scratchhead:


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

The books will point you into a direction to be a better you, a happier you and if she wants to come along for the ride, no guarantees, she will be happier! Unless you've gotten the ILYBINILWY speech.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

thanks. never been a big reader so i am hoping that the therapist will help me and give me some pointers to be a better person and help steer me where i should be.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

They are easy reads, if I had to choose one it would be the married man sex life... You will find it humorous as well


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

The therapist will not give you the same advice as is contained in the above book recommendations. I can 100% guarantee that. Your money back on this post if I'm wrong. 

Stop looking to other people to tell you what to do (except for us, of course) and take charge of your married life. Read those books (do what they say, too). You can do exciting things and lead an exciting life, but do it with your wife. Forget about divorce. Consider how to lead your life without that option. With the option of divorce when you get bored you'll never really get the motivation you need or the results you want.

Think of your relationship like a sport. You train together and finally win the World Cup. Everyone celebrates! Then things die down and you take a winter break. Boring! You miss the feeling you had of winning that competition, but forget the training that brought you to that place. Get back into the training stage. I know, it's a kinda lame analogy, but hopefully you can see the parallels.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Mr_brown said:


> They are easy reads, if I had to choose one it would be the married man sex life... You will find it humorous as well


The dude has a blog HERE. You can browse it at your leisure and pick the posts out that most interest you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm sorry, I missed the point where you had talked.
But still, the presumption that your choice of spouse and married state will make you happy or not. The fact of the matter is that married or not, people go through these periods. It is better if you stay in the marriage and work hard to figure out how to enrich your life to the point of fulfilment, within the marriage, before throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Talking to an individual counselor is a very good idea, I think a year for a series of talks would be ideal before deciding to do anything. The thing is, if you leave a relationship it will create change/trauma in your life and your heart, and it sounds like this might be unnecessary. In the state of unhappiness, it would be wrong to begin a new relationship, before waiting at least a year or two to do so. If you have misindentified your unhappiness as the choice of spouse (and it seems as strange to me as to you, that you could be happy for a few years with the same spouse, and then be unhappy...? if nothing substantial has changed but the timeline)...you will then bring your underlying unhappiness into a new relationship using that person's attention and newness as a band-aid. Even if you do this with under a misguided state of the source of your unhappiness and the solution for it, it doesn't undo the hurt it will do to your new relationship (and partner). 

Your mom sounds really smart. And she's your mom, I think you should listen to her, it sounds like you are a good, okay person. I never got the impression you were going to cheat, it sounds like a lot of knee-jerk reactions going on here, and you didn't get too bent out of shape by them either...which demonstrates your even-tempered disposition and your true state of concern over your feelings. I agree with your Mom, these feelings can be normal, I think they happen in other situations too - with friends, with kids, with jobs, with communities or other involvements. Keeping a fire burning in any endeavor is a skill. You don't gain that skill by turning tail the first sign of trouble, but first by identifying the issue and learning something about it. This is what it appears you are doing.
So, you're on the right track.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are reading these responses, so you can read.

Read the books. Save your marriage


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

Home maker 

you seem alike a really smart person thanks for all of the advice every one. i know relationships are work and that to keep the fire going is required on both sides. am going check amazon out and see if i can find that book. i dont know i know that there is no easy answer and only i can do what is right for me. i am hoping that seeing an IC he will be able to shed some light on why i am having these feelings and why they keep recurring.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

thomasmoore said:


> Home maker
> 
> you seem alike a really smart person thanks for all of the advice every one. i know relationships are work and that to keep the fire going is required on both sides. am going check amazon out and see if i can find that book. i dont know i know that there is no easy answer and only i can do what is right for me. i am hoping that seeing an IC he will be able to shed some light on why i am having these feelings and why they keep recurring.


Not that smart, but thanks for the compliment. 
Experiential knowledge. I got tired of having to correct bad relationship errors. If you have a friendship with your wife I advise you not to panic and definitely do not run. You can afford to relax a bit, your situation is not dire by any means. My bet is that you'll feel the way you used to feel, but even better, about your spouse. Some things take practice and persistence, and they are most definitely worth it.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

not sure that its a friend ship or more of a roommate any more. My mom keeps telling me that its normal and bla bla bla...well i listen to her because she is my mother and seems like a smart person and well been through a divorce her self. i just hope that there is some light or at least answers at the end of the tunnel some where. 

thanks again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

thomasmoore said:


> not sure that its a friend ship or more of a roommate any more. My mom keeps telling me that its normal and bla bla bla...well i listen to her because she is my mother and seems like a smart person and well been through a divorce her self. i just hope that there is some light or at least answers at the end of the tunnel some where.
> 
> thanks again.


Something got out of synch somewhere along the line.
It's going to be hard to get back in synch with her until you can get IC, and it might take a few months. Be patient with yourself and honest with her, about all the things you do admire, and thank her for her patience, resiliency, etc. You might want to ask her to consider what she needs in the marriage and what she likes best and what can fall by the wayside...then you can feel less stressed about being 'everything' for her, which I think is a common misconception about marriage, highly unsustainable in the long run.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

i am starting to realize something as well. that i really miss the small stupid things like holding hands the kiss when one of us comes in the door the little gestures that say i miss you and love you and when i talked to her about this stuff the response that i get is that i was never really that way...i kind of turned my head around and was like ahh yeah you were...remember so and so...she says i was going that because that's what i thought you wanted. i told her i did but didn't want her to do it just for that reason i wanted her to be her...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Seems like you've fallen into the trap that so many people het caught up in. You think that marriage, your partner, and the things in your life will make you happy and content forever. How about imagining where you would want to be in life in ten years. Imagine what kind of relationship you would want at the end of that ten year period. Most likely, you'll picture yourself happy and content.

Guess what? That future isn't going to just grab you by the hand and take you there. Your wife cannot even take you there either. You have to start looking at your marriage as a culmination of things that you do every day. Why can't you pull your wife closely today and kiss her like she's never been kissed before? I bet you just think that the two of you are like roomates, so things like that just don't happen anymore. They don't happen because you aren't doing it. You can make it a goal to do something every day to curl her toes with desire. She will respond if she is still among the living, and she will begin to reciprocate.

When I was your age, I had a vision of a passionate marriage. My wife, however, was a responder, much like you, I think. She learned that we have to treat each day like it is a new opportunity to grow closer.

Those feelings of "what if?" or "what could have been..." will crop up from time to time, regardless. However, if you build something great with your wife, you'll realize that you probably could've never accomplished something so unique and fulfilling with someone else.

Believe me, this approach can be applied to every aspect of your life. I challenge you to spend a week or so where you try to connect with her in a unique way every day. Don't let the goal be sex, though, because you are trying to kindle something more subtle. Sex might just happen to come along for the ride.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I hope this is a glitch for you that you both can work out. Marriage is worth putting all your effort into to see if you can come back together.
If you both try, and find you are both still unhappy and decide to seperate, then that's they way it goes. You are not a failure and neither is she because you both did absolutely everything you could to rekindle what you had.
If you have been feeling this way for a year, I am glad you are going to see someone about it. You may have discontentment in other areas that are seeping into your marriage.
Best of luck with the outcome, at this stage just commit yourself to the next month of putting everything you have into your marriage and I hope you find your answer.


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## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

Halien seems like you have been though it a few times. or have been around the block alot longer than i. I guess what i am starting to struggle with now is how do you know if you want to fix it? i know she does but maybe selfishly of my self i dont know if i do. keep in mind that i have not seen my IC yet so i dont know. i guess i dont know i just want to go back to being a bachlor and not that i want to see other people i just want to do my own thing be by my self. i a have always been very much a lowner and keep to my self college was the first time i ever had a roommate or had to live with someone and i HATED it...so i dont know Monday will not be here soon enough to talk with this cat and see what he says. feel like i am getting all of my thoughts in order here talking with you all. 

thank you for that.


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