# How can I avoid being a doormat?



## itsmeurbrotherinlaw (Feb 12, 2017)

Hello everyone,

I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.

Sounds easy enough, right? Just get started on the separation. Except, I don't want this. I want to reconcile with her. I have told her (and begun showing her) that everything would be different. I feel like a chump - I don't even have a lot of confidence it can change her mind. I want to remain open to reconciliation, but I am not sure if she is open to that, even a little. I have suggested everything I could think of - counseling, changes, you name it. She doesn't seem to be budging. She is not the type of person to take initiative on matters like separating finances, finding an apt, etc etc either.

How can I remain open to reconciliation without being a doormat?

Thank you for your time - I am hurting so badly right now, I appreciate that you read this.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

She is checked out. Check your phone bills. She probably already has a new attachment to someone else. Once they are checked out, very difficult to get back. Can you get out of your lease? 

Don't be a chump and fund someone's living expenses that is now lusting for someone else.

Check out some of the posts in the coping with infidelity section, she at least is probably in a Emotional Affair with someone online.

Lookup the 180 on this forum. Don't beg, cry, etc. It may sound weird, but don't let her see anything but a strong confident man.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> She is checked out. Check your phone bills. She probably already has a new attachment to someone else. Once they are checked out, very difficult to get back. Can you get out of your lease?
> 
> Don't be a chump and fund someone's living expenses that is now lusting for someone else.
> 
> ...




This is 100% what you need to do.
Read the 180. I'd link it for you but I'm on mobile right now.
Start moving on, if she turns around you're able to better make good decisions if you've started to move on yourself. 
She is very likely talking to someone at the very least.

Any kids?
Does she work?
You said you recently moved, as in to a new city?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Help her pack her crap, and show her you mean business....frazzled is absolutely right....once she sees that you willing to help get hercrap together....than she will either one of two things leave or work on the marriage....right now your flipping the bill for her....why would anyone leave if someone else is doing it for them.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Help her pack her crap, and show her you mean business....frazzled is absolutely right....once she sees that you willing to help get hercrap together....than she will either one of two things leave or work on the marriage....right now your flipping the bill for her....why would anyone leave if someone else is doing it for them.


This.

I think OP, that in a way, she told you she wants out because she wants to see where these ''conversations'' lead and you don't expect anything from her as a wife...while you still pay the bills. If you don't wish to become a doormat, the advice of Xenote is good. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## itsmeurbrotherinlaw (Feb 12, 2017)

Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.
> 
> ...


When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time is a very true quote.

Begging, pleading etc will not work, use reverse psychology. 

Do the 180 on her, emotionally detach.
Start taking care of yourself, go to the gym, make nights out with the lads, go to functions alone, etc. Do not tell her where or what you are doing (if she has really checked out she wont care but you will be moving on with your life).

Get counselling for yourself, tell one of your siblings so that you have someone to talk to about all of this.

Dont engage her about anything, start working on a plan to get her out of the apartment.

See a lawyer to find out what your options are.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?




Here's the thing. You have to do the 180 for yourself. Not to get her back. It only works one way. IF while doing the 180 something changes you can decide then if you still want her. You may, I did.

But if you only do the 180 to get her back, here's how it works: You get her back, slowly stop the 180, then lose her again because things went back to normal. It won't work that way.

No kids = this is no where near as hard as many other people's situations. You have no responsibility to her at all. If she no longer wants to be married that means she no longer values anything you do enough to keep you. That includes your help with her living situation. It's time to move, let her land in reality and take care of yourself. There is a chance that will snap her out of it. Or she will just try to move on to whomever she has been talking too. Either way you win.

When I first started posting here I thought people saying the things I just said were insensitive and didn't know what they were talking about. I was wrong, they were just unbiased outside observers who completely understood my situation better than I did. You need the outside view. Consider some counseling to help yourself get a different perspective on things or do A LOT of reading here. 




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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your hurting, hoping against hope that things will turn around. It sucks! Let me give you some advice. The more you beg, give puppy dog eyes, or say "I can't live without you", the more the sight of you will DISGUST her. 

Please take this to heart "It's not about YOU!!" She has found someone that gives her lots of ego cookies. And once a woman decides she don't like you anymore, it's very hard to get that back. Sad part is, you could very well be a great guy, honest, loving, good provider. It doesn't matter. If she has someone feeding her ego cookies. and doesn't have the self control to cut them off and remain faithful to you, why do you want her in your life? 

Pretend I just reached over the internet & laid about 500K on you. What would YOU do? Where would you live, what would you do for YOURSELF? 

Life is short, why aren't you doing those things now?

Move her crap out, or, get out of the lease & let her deal with it.
Join a gym, start out lite, but work your way up lifting heavy.
Do cardio.
Get a haircut & shave, or grow a beard if your normally clean shaven.
Buy a couple of new shirts.
Become the best YOU you can be.
If she wonders whats going on, tell her, your EA online was a deal breaker, and until you stop dodging the issue and admit the error of your ways, we are done.
She is trying to rugsweep the issue. Wishing it would go away, but it won't until you both hash it out.
This board has a lot of betrayed spouses that rugswept an issue, only to have it rear it's ugly head months/years later.

It's a sh!tty deal.

It hurts. Sorry man, ain't anything else to do but slog thru the emotions.

The upside, become the best you that you can. There are women out there that have the self control to cutoff anyone that is pushing the boundaries.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Read Married Man Sex Life Primer.
Read 5 Love Languages.

Not to save your current relationship, but to improve yourself.

Watch this video, it will help you see why you need to forgive your ex. 




Let go of the bitterness your going to feel. Don't let it pollute your future life.

Life will get better, just gotta have faith.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=wXDbU6.KAYlS.soDD3lLjLtczb8-

You can't stop her but you stay in the home and your bedroom. If she moves out pull a hard 180 no contact.

You'll probably try nicing her back, writing long letters pouring you heart out which will make this worse.

Everyone in this situation seems to do all the wrong things. If you chase it pushes them further away.

Separation is usually to date other men. You'll linger in limbo if this happens. Your best bet if she moved out is to file immediately or accept and live with it until she dumps you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. *I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb.* Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


Yep, you won't get it at first. You'll have to get a good taste of what she's giving you. Like most you'll stay in denial. Waiting on a small sliver of hope. Making all kinds of excuses for her...... Always seems to happen

How long are you willing wait for her while she has a boyfriend?

Check your phone bill


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How often were you two having sex?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.
> 
> ...


Well tell her she has a month to find an apartment. If I read this right and she is sending inappropriate texts to other men and you are still trying to R then let me break it to you. You are already a doormat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but *I'm afraid *there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


I highlighted your problem. Never love someone enough that they can abuse you. Your love should not be able to be used as a noose.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Your hurting, hoping against hope that things will turn around. It sucks! Let me give you some advice. The more you beg, give puppy dog eyes, or say "I can't live without you", the more the sight of you will DISGUST her.
> 
> Please take this to heart "It's not about YOU!!" She has found someone that gives her lots of ego cookies. And once a woman decides she don't like you anymore, it's very hard to get that back. Sad part is, you could very well be a great guy, honest, loving, good provider. It doesn't matter. If she has someone feeding her ego cookies. and doesn't have the self control to cut them off and remain faithful to you, why do you want her in your life?
> 
> ...


Plus there are good women out there who aren't fickle, who don't just start up new relationships when things get boring like your wife. They will talk and work on the relationship with you, like a decent spouse, dare I say human being will do. You can do better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stop trying to push a rope.

Say this simple statement:

"Wife, you have indicated you wanted to move on. So from this point forward, I will be focusing on me, and working hard on granting what you want."

Then focus on you. Do not initiate dialogue with her. Do not show her affection. Go do hobbies at night. See her the least amount possible. Do not tell her what you are doing.

When she pesters you about the relationship, shake your head and say:

"Discussing how to improve a relationship is for people who both want to be in a relationship, which is exactly what you said you didn't want."

Then go about your business.

In other words, you are working on detaching and becoming your own man again until she commits to working on the marriage and not chatting with other men online.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


Tell her that, while you want to reconcile, you won't be waiting around for her to come around.

Start taking action and she'll respond.

Or she won't... which is actually a valid response as well.

You need to stop making / not making decisions with your preferred outcome in mind and -- based on her behavior -- instead make the decisions that need to be made and do what needs to be done.

Bottom line -- she's not conducting herself in a manner befitting a loyal spouse, so you remove her from that position.

If she comes around and mentions that she's open to reconciliation, make it very clear to her that Internet bullsh*t with random dudes (or anyone, really) will stop. If she balks on that, calls you "controlling" (note that this is often used as a faux feminist male shaming technique aimed at making you feel like a Neanderthal, thereby disarming any further argument), or whatever, kindly invite her to pack her sh*t and GTFO.

Act!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


Congrats....those are words are a doormat. If you were negotiating on my team I would kick your ass out....get this through your head no fixing anything until she get out of the fog she is in......pack her bags.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Respect yourself. I'm sorry your in this situation. Focus on you right now not her. Do not let her sleep in the same bed as you. Quietly make her see what she will be missing. Don't do anything nice for her. Be firm and mean business. 
Trust me she doesn't respect you right now and she thinks your bluffing... all of which are not attractive traits in a husband. 

Do you, ignore her. Has she said anything to you about the relationship? She has to be the one to bring it up first. If she doesn't seem bothered, then put some pressure on you. "When are you moving out" "are you looking for apartments". 

You need to make it clear that your disgusted with her behavior and you don't want a wife like that, texting other men. A wife who doesn't love you. Stop focusing on reconciliation, it's not healthy for you and it for sure won't happen with that attitude. Focus on yourself. If she doesn't come crawling back then it's over. Use the 180 to prepare yourself mentally for it to be over.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

And another thing... why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you, says she doesn't love you, says she doesn't want to be with you? You need to work in this... your self esteem. It's not normal or healthy to think so lowly is yourself.


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## itsmeurbrotherinlaw (Feb 12, 2017)

Thank you for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I am working the 180, and you are right - the marriage is fake if both parties are not willing to participate. I have begun working on myself - been pretty scarce the past couple of days. I think it is already affecting her. Good. She needs to figure out what she wants, in or out. I can do in if she's willing, I have to be ready for out if she is not. I'll keep at it and post progress.

Thanks again for your time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thank you for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I am working the 180, and you are right - the marriage is fake if both parties are not willing to participate. I have begun working on myself - been pretty scarce the past couple of days. I think it is already affecting her. Good. She needs to figure out what she wants, in or out. I can do in if she's willing, I have to be ready for out if she is not. I'll keep at it and post progress.
> 
> Thanks again for your time.


THis is good, but NO, she doesnt need to figure out what she wants. She already told you what she wants.You need to tell her how its going to be, tell her she has two weeks to find a place and get her and her sh!t out of your home. I'm not sure why you want to hang on to someone who is placing interaction with other men above you and the marriage, but you need to be willing to end it to save it. If it ends, then its already over anyway.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

itsmeurbrotherinlaw said:


> Thanks for the replies. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


*Well, it's all too apparent that she has kicked you to the curb already ~ it takes two people who want to genuinely reconcile!

Right now, I'm only counting one.

You'll show her that you're the bigger man if you initiate "the 180" and let her know that you mean business.

I'm so fearful that she's now become a lost cause and that it is beyond time to start looking after your very own well being!

This is not the way that married life is supposed to be! You deserve far, far better!*


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> THis is good, but NO, she doesnt need to figure out what she wants. She already told you what she wants.You need to tell her how its going to be, tell her she has two weeks to find a place and *get her and her sh!t out* of your home. I'm not sure why you want to hang on to someone who is placing interaction with other men above you and the marriage, but *you need to be willing to end it to save it*. If it ends, then its already over anyway.


Very important parts I missed earlier. It sounds totally contrary, but she needs to see you are ready & starting to torch the marriage. Start shopping for attorneys. Don't let her be comfortable. Talk to an attorney, know your rights & tell her to get out!

If you were texting some young thing, I suspect she would have already b!tch slapped you, yelled "DaFuq is your problem" & "Get DaFuq OUT!!!"

Not saying you should slap her, but your attitude can convey your anger at her actions.


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