# Husband is New Man, but Can't Forget the Old one



## Bentiwmdl35 (Oct 25, 2011)

I apologize if this gets long, but I really have to get this off my chest and see if anyone else knows what I am going through. I have been married 2 years and my husband and I have been together for 5. The first 4 years of our relationship, he had been lying to me. And, the sad thing is, I knew he was lying but I still took the plunge. These lies included telling his ex girlfriend he still loved her, sleeping with another girl while with me (before we were married) and answering online "Casual Encounter" personal ads with a secret email account.

So, this was the guy I was with for 4 years. As our second anniversary came up, I told him that I wanted to start this year clean and he needed to admit to everything he lied about before. He came clean about a lot of things, and I can honestly say that every lie I knew, he told me the truth about without me having to prompt him. He told me that he never felt enough intimacy, until now, to trust telling me the truth would not cause me to get up and leave. I know this was crap, but I let it slide. Now, I feel that I can trust his fidelity.

Here is my problem. How do you ever trust again? I mean I know that now he's not going to cheat, but he still is just so secretive and it bugs me. I found out about the personal ads because he left his email open. I became obsessed with finding out what he was doing and was checking his history and emails all the time. I stopped doing that because it was just making me crazier. 

So here comes to now. A couple of days ago I removed the "Delete History on Exit" option in the browser just to give me some peace of mind that I actually could see what he was doing if I wanted to. Then, he went and put the option back up. I left it the way it was. I don't know what to do. Leaving him would be like leaving my best friend, and I believe he changed, but why is he so secretive? I've tried to tell him that having secrets in a marriage is the road to problems, and he says that if I have to see what he's doing, I must not trust him. Then, he mentions the D word. Help me please. Has anyone managed to get over lies in the early part of the marriage to deal with secrets in the later years?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why did you marry him if you knew he was a liar? I am curious because you went into this KNOWING he wasn't trustworthy.

I don't know how to trust again, especially someone who lied for 4 years! That seems more like a character flaw in him...maybe it's just who he is. Unless he wants to fix it, this will be your life.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

My best friend doesnt hurt me, decieve me, or make me feel uncomfortable. You are comfortable with him. That doesnt mean he is good for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Why did you marry him if you knew he was a liar? I am curious because you went into this KNOWING he wasn't trustworthy.
> 
> I don't know how to trust again, especially someone who lied for 4 years! That seems more like a character flaw in him...maybe it's just who he is. Unless he wants to fix it, this will be your life.


I think a lot of times people go into marriages knowing what they know because they hope it will change. Rarely will that happen though. if anything it will only become worse. 

I know there is such a thing as character flaws too, but when my first wife was in rehab for drugs, she would always bring up character flaws. It got to the point to where I think there are not real character flaws, but just choices that people choose to make or not. Some like to blame it on "character flaws" when really its just choices.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Only he can change himself...

If this behavior is a deal breaker you have to ge to the point where you feel it's ok if you LET HIM GO.

In the meantime YOU have to become the best spouse/parent you possibly can for him and your family even if NONE of your needs are being met at the time. I'll tell you he wants lots of great sex. That way when you get to the decision point you will know that you did your best to save your marriage. I worked on this aspect for TWO years.

At that point you can do what I did and give your spouse the ULTIMATUM of how your marriage is going from here on out if hey have ANY problems with it THEY ARE FREE TO LEAVE!

Just make sure your demands are reasonable AND solve your issue with your spouse.

That will affect one of two responses...They wake up and change (Like my wife) or they Leave...Either way its a win/wain because you got yourself to that point.

My wife is magically fixed now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Only he can change himself...
> 
> If this behavior is a deal breaker you have to ge to the point where you feel it's ok if you LET HIM GO.
> 
> ...


Your wife isn't magically fixed. Your head is just further in the sand. But carry on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentiwmdl35 (Oct 25, 2011)

I appreciate all of the responses. My common sense tells me that he'll never change. My heart tells me that he's the right one. I can't get the two to agree.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> Your wife isn't magically fixed. Your head is just further in the sand. But carry on.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE
> ...


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Bentiwmdl35 said:


> I apologize if this gets long, but I really have to get this off my chest and see if anyone else knows what I am going through. I have been married 2 years and my husband and I have been together for 5. The first 4 years of our relationship, he had been lying to me. And, the sad thing is, I knew he was lying but I still took the plunge. These lies included telling his ex girlfriend he still loved her, sleeping with another girl while with me (before we were married) and answering online "Casual Encounter" personal ads with a secret email account.
> 
> So, this was the guy I was with for 4 years. As our second anniversary came up, I told him that I wanted to start this year clean and he needed to admit to everything he lied about before. He came clean about a lot of things, and I can honestly say that every lie I knew, he told me the truth about without me having to prompt him. He told me that he never felt enough intimacy, until now, to trust telling me the truth would not cause me to get up and leave. I know this was crap, but I let it slide. Now, I feel that I can trust his fidelity.
> 
> ...


It seems you have some red flags there that he hasn't changed as much as you would like to think. 

I think his mentioning the 'D word' is a way scare you and make you back off. I think if he had really changed he would understand why you don't trust him right now and why you need reassurance. 

I don't think he is your best friend. Friends don't treat each other this way.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I think a lot of times people go into marriages knowing what they know because they hope it will change. Rarely will that happen though. if anything it will only become worse.
> 
> I know there is such a thing as character flaws too, but when my first wife was in rehab for drugs, she would always bring up character flaws. It got to the point to where I think there are not real character flaws, but just choices that people choose to make or not. Some like to blame it on "character flaws" when really its just choices.


Oh I believe that too. Excuses don't sit well with me...However, right now that is his character and it's flawed. lol.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You can't trust a man who is untrustworthy . so I'm not really sure why you were asking when you will trust him . I suspect that even if you stop doing whatever it is he hiding from you that you will never trust . you are far too perceptive a person . you won't miss a single act of deception on his part . you will continue to kick yourself for overlooking it and wishing that it would get better . 

even if you managed to somehow and because that's what I think you're trying to do it still wouldn't make you feel like you deserve to be loved . because that's what I think this is about . if he would you stop doing the things he's doing that would mean he really loves you and your good enough . the reason you're still with him all about you . and the reason he continues to do the things he does is in part some what about him. I don't know how much is it is really about him and how much you are allowing him to get away with it . I think sensible response from you would be to tell him to get out and not come back until he's willing to be flick transparent . and if you can't do that then he can happily go on his way and play games with somebody else . you are far too intelligent and see what you saying and knowing what you know I'll eat you up and destroy you . don't allow this man to destroy you. love does not look like what he's doing . 

and also love does not look like what you are allowing him to do to you . love yourself more . and love him a little less . and if you can't do that los angeles far until you can get the point where you can truly have some perspective and let him go.

I don't usually recommend this but for your case I really think separation would give you some perspective .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

oh my god I hope you can make sense out of that .

I love when a guy is stupid enough to lie to somebody who can see though every lie but then continues to lie anyway. You are really too smart for him. He isn't in your intellectual league. doesnt it bother you that he is so stupid ? 

do you have a bit of white knight in you? I don't think you can save stupid or emotionally immature . you are not raising a son . 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Bentiwmdl35 said:


> Here is my problem. How do you ever trust again? I mean I know that now he's not going to cheat, but he still is just so secretive and it bugs me. I found out about the personal ads because he left his email open. I became obsessed with finding out what he was doing and was checking his history and emails all the time. I stopped doing that because it was just making me crazier.


You can't trust again until they quit being secretive. When I reconciled with my H, he still had a pattern lock on his phone, his own account on the house computer, blah blah blah. He swore up and down he wanted to work on the reconciliation. We reconciled July 31, 2010. Nearly 10 months after our reconciliation, I got a hold of his phone that he thought he had wiped out... BS. There was bull**** personal ads and text messages all over that phone. I had that phone in my possession away from our home and was going to use it in our NEW divorce case. He became an open book from that day forward and still is. If your H mentions the D word because he wants to continue being secretive in your marriage, I would give him my blessing and let him borrow my pen.


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## Bentiwmdl35 (Oct 25, 2011)

Thank you for all of your responses. I told him I'm tired of him being secretive. He has the opinion that I will never trust him again. I've offered marital counseling and he said he would go. I actually have a therapist already as I have a diagnosis for which I take medication. I can't seperate from him (this is a money issue) as I'm not working. I could go to my parents but my entire family is in crisis and I can't handle that right now. So, I will let you guys know what happens in counseling. Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Bentiwmdl35 said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I told him I'm tired of him being secretive. He has the opinion that I will never trust him again. I've offered marital counseling and he said he would go. I actually have a therapist already as I have a diagnosis for which I take medication. I can't seperate from him (this is a money issue) as I'm not working. I could go to my parents but my entire family is in crisis and I can't handle that right now. So, I will let you guys know what happens in counseling. Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about.


I'm sorry you are going through this, and you will not be able to trust again just because he wants you to, that is why HE has to help you trust again and that will not happen while he is still being secretive. It just won't. Next time he tells you that you will never trust him again, tell him he's right, not until he becomes the open book you need to help you trust him. Tell him you will prove that you can trust him again by him proving that he is not doing anything, i.e. open phone, open computer, etc. My H's word meant freaking nothing for many months! He could've told me that the sky was blue (and is was), but I still didn't believe him because of all the lies and crap I put up with for so many years. And now I can freely pick up my H's phone and go through it with no worries. It's becoming far and few between that I check up on him, but knowing that option is always there is a vital thing for me and our marriage. Good luck!


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