# Banned by His Friends



## SoCalMichelle (Apr 18, 2011)

A few months ago my husband told me I was no longer welcome to join him in socializing with a friend of his. His friend had been married and we all spent time together. Now he is divorced and has a live-in girlfriend who I have met. My husband has given me several reasons for being restricted from joining him as he socializes with them. When I call him on it, he says he is speculating about the reason. He spends time with them at least once a week and on occasion twice a week. It actually hurts my feelings that he condones this. We are a couple and I feel that if his friend or girlfriend have an issue with me, my husband should at the least encourage them to work it out. I hate being left out in the cold. Especially not knowing why. Any thoughts?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If someone told me my fiance wasn't welcome to come a long with me, then I simply would not go. That is very rude and disrespectful and he is essentially choosing his friends over the woman he is supposed to love.

Have you talked to the friends and asked them directly? Is your husband being honest about where he is?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Totally inexcusable. So your husband is 'speculating about the reason'?? What a load of crap. Are you to believe that his friend said "hey don't bring your wife anymore okay"? and your husband just replied "okay whatever you say" and never asked why???? Is your husband really that much a push over with his friend? I seriously doubt it. Your husband knows why and he needs to be honest with you. 

I agree with Syrum that perhaps you need to check where he is when he is supposedly with the "friend" or make sure that the friend's new girlfriend isn't bringing along one of her own friends to complete the foursome if you know what I mean. 

Regardless, your husband is being totally disloyal to you and can't even be honest with you about it. That is bad any way you look at it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yeah, this crosses a boundary he should have with his friends. Had he decided that it wasn't fun for him b/c you and his friend fought or something, he might have made the decision to socialize with his friend under circumstances that might not naturally include you (playing basketball with his friend, for example).

Something isn't right here.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What are they? 16?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Syrum said:


> If someone told me my fiance wasn't welcome to come a long with me, then I simply would not go. That is very rude and disrespectful and he is essentially choosing his friends over the woman he is supposed to love.





SadieBrown said:


> Totally inexcusable. So your husband is 'speculating about the reason'?? What a load of crap.



Yep. It's wrong. Love that he has to "think about the reason/speculate" why you can't hang w/ them. It's BS.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

If a friend rejects my wife, they are in essence, rejecting part of me. Are you sure this isn't an excuse your husband is making to be away from you with these friends? Are you sure his friends are telling him this? 

Are they engaging in some activity that you would disapprove of? My wife would not be ok if I were to say the same thing to her as your husband said to you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

What are the reasons he "speculates" it is?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm...could it be that your H doesn't want you to see what sort of activities that he and the swinging bachelor are engaged in?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SoCalMichelle said:


> A few months ago my husband told me I was no longer welcome to join him in socializing with a friend of his. ... He spends time with them at least once a week and on occasion twice a week. It actually hurts my feelings that he condones this. ... Any thoughts?


Unless they owe him money, they made the decision to cut him out when they restricted you. His inability to understand or accept this is a huge breach of personal maturity and rightful conduct which he needs to rectify immediately before any more damage is done and he makes himself look worse than he already has.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My thoughts would be that I would tell my HUSBAND that if he goes somewhere every week where I was not welcome, that he can get used to going there a lot more...because he, TOO, would be divorced.

You're a fool if you allow this to continue. Your own husband has no respect for you.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> My thoughts would be that I would tell my HUSBAND that if he goes somewhere every week where I was not welcome, that he can get used to going there a lot more...because he, TOO, would be divorced.
> 
> You're a fool if you allow this to continue. Your own husband has no respect for you.


:iagree:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

His loyalty is to you first - then to family, friends, etc.

The fact that his loyalty is to his "friend" first - that says a lot and you need to find out why.

Also - I agree, he's probably engaging in something with his "friend" and the girlfriend that he doesn't want you to know about.

I would never go anywhere where my husband was forbidden to go - I just wouldn't go - period.

Something smells rotten in Denmark to me!


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Syrum said:


> If someone told me my fiance wasn't welcome to come a long with me, then I simply would not go. That is very rude and disrespectful and he is essentially choosing his friends over the woman he is supposed to love.
> 
> Have you talked to the friends and asked them directly? Is your husband being honest about where he is?


:iagree:

It sounds funny to me. I would call him on it. Call his friend and ask him why you are not welcome. Sounds to me like your husband is doing things at this friends house he shouldn't be doing or not even going there at all.


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## SoCalMichelle (Apr 18, 2011)

A HUGE Thank You to all! A response to a few of your questions:

I have insisted on viewing his text messages on his phone (which he keeps locked) regarding his friend. I have found that yes, my husband is actually spending time with his friend and his g.f. However, he has lied about some of their get together's, stating he was with some other friend. When I called him on it he stated he didn't want me knowing he was actually joining the couple at a restaurant because he didn't want to hurt my feelings since I wasn't allowed to join him. 

I have driven by his friend's house to see if he was actually where he said he would be. He was.

I don't believe that his friend would suddenly tell my husband that he could no longer bring me along. In fact, his friend had told me of a similar circumstance where a friend of his invited him to his wedding and was asked not to bring his former wife. HE DID NOT stand for it.

Yes, I have suspected that the girlfriend may be bringing another friend along to complete the foursome or that they may simply have invited other friends to their house where he might potentially hit it off with a single woman. That is how his friend met his girlfriend while he was married. A new friend of his brought along her 24 yr. old daughter to his and his wife's bbq. Now he's divorced and she lives in his ex's home where they met!

I also feel that if I have offended his friend in an unforgivable way, my husband could opt to do something with him that as sisters359 suggested, naturally wouldn't include me such as playing a sport, vs. something couples would do.

Some of the ridiculous B.S. reasons he gave for me being banned from joining him and the couple have been: The new girlfriend got a "bad vibe" from me. OR... The new girlfriend didn't like something I said to my husband's friend which upset his former wife.

Bottom line is that I don't feel comfortable contacting his friend to ask him why I am "not allowed". I do feel that it is my husband who does not want me joining him at their bbq's, restaurant visits, or whatever. He had recently gone there for a "short" visit during the day then extended that to not returning until 10 at night after learning I wan't feeling well. He knows that his behavior upsets me. I do not know why he seems to put his friend first but it makes no difference to him how I feel about it. I suppose this "man" prefers smoking cigars, drinking and listening to music with his friend (by the way, this is his only hang-out friend) over all else. In fact, he was unemployed for a year once and spent up to 30 hrs/week hanging out with this buddy. 

Now he works and he's away from the house an average of 11 hrs/day. While we have a few hours of face time on some days, on other days, depending on his shift I may not see him at all because he squeezes in hanging out with his friend after work. It's his day off today and mine as well and once again his "I'll be at my friends for 2 hrs max." turned into 6 hrs now and counting. Apparently, he didn't want to be here since I was feeling tired when he left at noon. I did tell him, this time, it's clear to me that, that is where he wants to spend his day off. Don't bother returning before the day is over just for some obligatory time with me. 

At this point, I would prefer moving on and being on my own rather than with a husband who only wants to go out with me to make up for having spent time with his friend to keep the peace. Not a hard choice to make. I'm 41. He's 52. Neither of us have kids. We've been together 4 yrs. 

Thank you again for your input. I was told I was being selfish about this issue. I would not do that to him and told him so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not being selfish. You're being dumb. Sorry, but what other person would put up with this?

He doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect you.

The next time he gets ready to go to his friend's house, say "I want to come." If he says no, then you say "Then I want you to choose me over your friend for tonight." If he says no, then you say "Ok, then, you've made my decision for me. Whenever you get home, you'll find your clothes on the front lawn. Maybe your friend will take you in, because you are no longer welcome here."

And MEAN IT.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

not recognizable said:


> O.M.G.
> 
> When I first read your posts, I figured he was in his 20's or early 30's. I can't believe a man that age is behaving that way. What a jerk.
> 
> I know this is easier said than done, but I would start packing if he is unwilling to man up.



OMG, I was thinking the same thing. I had them pictured in my mind as being mid 20's. At 52 if he is acting like this it's not likely to ever get any better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What probably has happened is he just doesn't care about her any more. He's at the age where his OWN happiness is more important; she's just there to replace his mother, and he's back to being a male: intent on having fun. And she's needy enough to let him.


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## SoCalMichelle (Apr 18, 2011)

turnera said:


> What probably has happened is he just doesn't care about her any more. He's at the age where his OWN happiness is more important; she's just there to replace his mother, and he's back to being a male: intent on having fun. And she's needy enough to let him.


You are right Turnera. His own happiness is more important. In the beginning it was about partying and having fun between the sheets. Now that there is a house to take care of, bills to be paid on time, etc. it's all on me. Not as much fun, in his mind, to be here. He lived with his mother until his early 40's. Only moved out because she passed away. Yes, I had been needy. I lost my first husband to suicide in '05 and without family (all live in Europe) and few close friends, I took the first guy who came along and wanted to believe he loved me. Much more below the surface than being banned to socialize with him & friends. Deceit, lies, theft etc. You're right. Didn't have respect for myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like a good reason to walk away.

Are you in therapy?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

It doesn't sound like this would apply in this situation, but allow me to play devil's advocate, having been on the other side of a similar situation.

Background: several years ago, we started hosting a monthly poker game among friends. One friend's wife joined the group, as significant others are welcome. The entire group found her annoying. Annoying to the point that, when we'd send out the invitations for the month's game, many people's first response was to ask if she was going to be there. If she was, some would have "prior commitments" that weren't an issue til her presence was assured. Ultimately, my wife had to call her and disinvite her, giving her husband a heads-up first. He continued to come to the game.

As I say, doesn't sound like this is the kind of thing at play in this situation, but there can be situations in which one spouse is welcome, the other isn't, and the welcome spouse continues to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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