# Husband in stagnated relationship needing help with wife.



## msmalin

I'm a Christian so I wanted post in this section to ensure that I had input from other Christ-followers.

Here's my situation. Basically, I feel that my relationship is stagnated. I've been a Christian for 20 years, and my wife and I had our first year anniversary a few weeks ago. Already I feel that we have hit a wall. I feel as though I am giving all that I can possibly give and I don't have anything more left. This is what I do around the house:

Majority of cooking and cleaning dishes
Laundry
Vacuuming/mopping house
Dusting
Garbage
Lawn care
Keeping track of finances and bills
Keeping the house in a general state of order

On top of all this, I strive to keep her happy and give her what she wants: a brand new car back in April (I knew our budget would be strained but I gave in anyway), a new laptop for our anniversary, etc. I support her in the things she wants to do - looking for a new job, trying a diet, etc. I do my best to let her know she is loved (which I feel is important, I'm currently reading "Love and Respect").

Yet for all of my efforts I don't see any sort of return. These are the issues I'm dealing with. I apologize for the length of this post but if you had put up with this for over a year I'm sure yours would be similar  The list below is kind of unfiltered, I had to have some sort of outlet for my thoughts and emotions so I blasted it out last night:

Sex:
Infrequent sex. I don't even think she likes it. I always have to push for it. 
No imagination. When we do have sex, it's always the same thing.

Cleanliness:
Doesn't clean up after herself:
- Leaves coffee mugs everywhere except in the sink.
- Leaves trash sitting on countertops, dressers, etc.
- Leaves Avon, hairbows, etc. lying about for weeks when she is done with them rather than pick them up and put them away.
Takes no initiative to clean unless I ask her to. I don't like to do this because I want this to be a shared effort. I try to lead by example, but there have been days when I work my butt off and she might put a load of clothes in. 
Her craft room is unusable because it is too messy with her stuff. There are half-packed suitcases lying about in there from trips we have taken months ago she hasn't bothered to unpack.
Our bedroom looks like a landfill. Trash, shoes, purses, clothes piled everywhere. I don't have my own dresser surface to put my own things on. 
Our walk-in closet is barely walk-in anymore. She has two laundry baskets full of clothes piled high sitting in the closet. She won't hang up her clothes after over a year of marriage.

Relationship (hard to get a quantitative assessment of relational abilities, so these are my perceptions):
Very little communication; most communication consists of smalltalk, how her day went, etc. I try to venture into deeper territory but I'm met with a blank stare.
Doesn't share feelings, is not interested in meeting on common ground. I.E., I try to express my views on how she did something to hurt me. I do not do it in an accusational sort of attitude, I try to open up to her and express everything but it still ends up being my fault (in her perspective).
Does not apologize, thinks she is infallible.
Co-dependency - She cannot go to Walmart or anywhere else by herself. She cannot cook by herself without me getting involved to help. I feel at times as though I'm her dad. She doesn't like for me to spend time with friends.
Friends: doesn't have anyone she will go spend time with. Always wants to spend time with brother and sister-in-law rather than building new or developing existing friendships.
Is not interested in deepening our relationship - I tell her that I feel we have stagnated in our relationship but she thinks everything is just fine. When I ask her for her ideas on how we can improve our relationship, or how I can be a better husband, she has nothing to say.
Selfish - I hate country music. We had planned on going to a country concert on one day (I decided I would go since she wanted to, I wanted to make her happy), but when that day came about, I was sick after lunch. I still attempted to drive to the concert and go with her, but by the time I got there I felt too bad and had to leave. She asked if I had made myself sick so I wouldn't have to go. I felt this was an intense assault on my character. 

Laziness:
Wants to lose weight, but doesn't want to really work for it (diet, exercise, etc.)
Doesn't apply herself to even write up her own resume or respond to application questions - I fill these out for her for whatever jobs she wants to apply for.
Likes to do Avon, but leaves her boxes, product, magazines, etc. strewn all over the house.
I told her she needs to keep track of expenses and sales for tax reporting purposes, I'm sure she isn't doing this. Not keeping track of tax information is potentially harmful to our family.
Same with hairbows - she likes to make hairbows for little girls/babies. She'll leave her hairbow "gear" out in the middle of the living room for weeks.
Has a "craft room" where she keeps all of her crafting and Avon stuff, but it is a complete mess. It is unusable because she does not clean it up. 
Says she wants to participate in a craft fair but doesn't fill out the form to apply for a booth.
When we do marriage-building type things, (i.e., lifegroup with church), she rarely reads her entire assigned reading. Doesn't like to discuss what was learned. Definitely does not apply what the books/friends instruct her to do to build the relationship.
When I hold her accountable to her diet/exercise plans, she ignores it and does what she wants. Does not apply herself.



So this is a huge laundry list of what's going on, but it's what I have to deal with day in and day out and I feel like I'm going to break. I'm not some sort of "male chauvinist" or anything of that sort; I am just as capable and more than willing to help her in housework, etc. I am willing to do what it takes to help her develop. I just want her to do her part, in housework, in developing our relationship, etc. I don't have a lot of time to do what I enjoy because I'm working on cleaning up after both of us in the sparse hours I'm not at work. I need a way to express these extreme difficulties I'm having to her and asking her to get off her butt while at the same time not looking like a jerk. I also don't want to feel like some weird sort of father figure by telling her to to clean her craft room up. It's just unnatural.

If anyone has any insight into this I would really appreciate it. It's kind of odd, it seems to me that this sort of posting is usually the inverse, usually it's the wife that has these kinds of issues with the husband. I feel that I have been patient, longsuffering, sacrificial, etc. long enough so that I should expect to see a change by now, but there's nothing. I can in no way picture us having a child the way things are. The house would simply stay too filthy and with the added responsibility of caring for a child I would in no way be able to keep up with everything on my plate.

Thanks for taking the time to read through all of this...I pray someone out there has the insight I need to get off of this spot and onto the next levels of "marital bliss."


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## lbell629

Stop doing everything for your wife. If she wants a job, she has to apply for it herself. You can't fill out the information for her. If you can't afford something, don't buy it for her. 

I know that's harder said than done, but you need to realize that you cannot and will not make your wife happy all the time. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself in the meantime. 

Have you thought about going to marriage counseling? I think that might be the best bet for you guys. It sounds like you need help being able to speak with your wife about the issues of your heart. And your wife needs to see how her actions are affecting you and find out why she is not responding to things she wants (i.e. jobs, craft fairs, etc). I know it is hard, but keep doing things to show your wife that you love her and do what you can, but don't drive yourself crazy. You cannot change your wife. Only she can change herself if she wants to. Have you read Gary Thomas' book "Sacred Marriage"? and pray, pray and pray some more.


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## msmalin

Thanks for the response. At this point I'm trying to reach out where I can to find help, reading articles, books, etc., but I believe counseling is in the near future. I will check out this "Sacred Marriage" book.


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## MEM2020

Are you willing to leave the marriage if she refuses to change? 

I know that is a harsh question but it is the core of everything. If you aren't she will use that against you. If you are, you can gradually increase the pressure on her to do her fair share, all the while knowing that if she chooses NOT to cooperate that will be your final step. 

The WORST thing to say to a lazy, selfish, difficult spouse is "I will never leave you but ....." They take that to mean they do not have to change. In fact once you say that, they don't hear anything after.




msmalin said:


> I'm a Christian so I wanted post in this section to ensure that I had input from other Christ-followers.
> 
> Here's my situation. Basically, I feel that my relationship is stagnated. I've been a Christian for 20 years, and my wife and I had our first year anniversary a few weeks ago. Already I feel that we have hit a wall. I feel as though I am giving all that I can possibly give and I don't have anything more left. This is what I do around the house:
> 
> Majority of cooking and cleaning dishes
> Laundry
> Vacuuming/mopping house
> Dusting
> Garbage
> Lawn care
> Keeping track of finances and bills
> Keeping the house in a general state of order
> 
> On top of all this, I strive to keep her happy and give her what she wants: a brand new car back in April (I knew our budget would be strained but I gave in anyway), a new laptop for our anniversary, etc. I support her in the things she wants to do - looking for a new job, trying a diet, etc. I do my best to let her know she is loved (which I feel is important, I'm currently reading "Love and Respect").
> 
> Yet for all of my efforts I don't see any sort of return. These are the issues I'm dealing with. I apologize for the length of this post but if you had put up with this for over a year I'm sure yours would be similar  The list below is kind of unfiltered, I had to have some sort of outlet for my thoughts and emotions so I blasted it out last night:
> 
> Sex:
> Infrequent sex. I don't even think she likes it. I always have to push for it.
> No imagination. When we do have sex, it's always the same thing.
> 
> Cleanliness:
> Doesn't clean up after herself:
> - Leaves coffee mugs everywhere except in the sink.
> - Leaves trash sitting on countertops, dressers, etc.
> - Leaves Avon, hairbows, etc. lying about for weeks when she is done with them rather than pick them up and put them away.
> Takes no initiative to clean unless I ask her to. I don't like to do this because I want this to be a shared effort. I try to lead by example, but there have been days when I work my butt off and she might put a load of clothes in.
> Her craft room is unusable because it is too messy with her stuff. There are half-packed suitcases lying about in there from trips we have taken months ago she hasn't bothered to unpack.
> Our bedroom looks like a landfill. Trash, shoes, purses, clothes piled everywhere. I don't have my own dresser surface to put my own things on.
> Our walk-in closet is barely walk-in anymore. She has two laundry baskets full of clothes piled high sitting in the closet. She won't hang up her clothes after over a year of marriage.
> 
> Relationship (hard to get a quantitative assessment of relational abilities, so these are my perceptions):
> Very little communication; most communication consists of smalltalk, how her day went, etc. I try to venture into deeper territory but I'm met with a blank stare.
> Doesn't share feelings, is not interested in meeting on common ground. I.E., I try to express my views on how she did something to hurt me. I do not do it in an accusational sort of attitude, I try to open up to her and express everything but it still ends up being my fault (in her perspective).
> Does not apologize, thinks she is infallible.
> Co-dependency - She cannot go to Walmart or anywhere else by herself. She cannot cook by herself without me getting involved to help. I feel at times as though I'm her dad. She doesn't like for me to spend time with friends.
> Friends: doesn't have anyone she will go spend time with. Always wants to spend time with brother and sister-in-law rather than building new or developing existing friendships.
> Is not interested in deepening our relationship - I tell her that I feel we have stagnated in our relationship but she thinks everything is just fine. When I ask her for her ideas on how we can improve our relationship, or how I can be a better husband, she has nothing to say.
> Selfish - I hate country music. We had planned on going to a country concert on one day (I decided I would go since she wanted to, I wanted to make her happy), but when that day came about, I was sick after lunch. I still attempted to drive to the concert and go with her, but by the time I got there I felt too bad and had to leave. She asked if I had made myself sick so I wouldn't have to go. I felt this was an intense assault on my character.
> 
> Laziness:
> Wants to lose weight, but doesn't want to really work for it (diet, exercise, etc.)
> Doesn't apply herself to even write up her own resume or respond to application questions - I fill these out for her for whatever jobs she wants to apply for.
> Likes to do Avon, but leaves her boxes, product, magazines, etc. strewn all over the house.
> I told her she needs to keep track of expenses and sales for tax reporting purposes, I'm sure she isn't doing this. Not keeping track of tax information is potentially harmful to our family.
> Same with hairbows - she likes to make hairbows for little girls/babies. She'll leave her hairbow "gear" out in the middle of the living room for weeks.
> Has a "craft room" where she keeps all of her crafting and Avon stuff, but it is a complete mess. It is unusable because she does not clean it up.
> Says she wants to participate in a craft fair but doesn't fill out the form to apply for a booth.
> When we do marriage-building type things, (i.e., lifegroup with church), she rarely reads her entire assigned reading. Doesn't like to discuss what was learned. Definitely does not apply what the books/friends instruct her to do to build the relationship.
> When I hold her accountable to her diet/exercise plans, she ignores it and does what she wants. Does not apply herself.
> 
> 
> 
> So this is a huge laundry list of what's going on, but it's what I have to deal with day in and day out and I feel like I'm going to break. I'm not some sort of "male chauvinist" or anything of that sort; I am just as capable and more than willing to help her in housework, etc. I am willing to do what it takes to help her develop. I just want her to do her part, in housework, in developing our relationship, etc. I don't have a lot of time to do what I enjoy because I'm working on cleaning up after both of us in the sparse hours I'm not at work. I need a way to express these extreme difficulties I'm having to her and asking her to get off her butt while at the same time not looking like a jerk. I also don't want to feel like some weird sort of father figure by telling her to to clean her craft room up. It's just unnatural.
> 
> If anyone has any insight into this I would really appreciate it. It's kind of odd, it seems to me that this sort of posting is usually the inverse, usually it's the wife that has these kinds of issues with the husband. I feel that I have been patient, longsuffering, sacrificial, etc. long enough so that I should expect to see a change by now, but there's nothing. I can in no way picture us having a child the way things are. The house would simply stay too filthy and with the added responsibility of caring for a child I would in no way be able to keep up with everything on my plate.
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read through all of this...I pray someone out there has the insight I need to get off of this spot and onto the next levels of "marital bliss."


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## cb45

i assume u r a male?
u didnt indicate so on profile, and u use MsMalin as a moniker?
hmmm, this may indicate more than meets the eye/mind....

that said.....u r way too intelligent to be marr'd to some avon(*******?)gal. 
doesnt add up to me, esp considering u mustve
known something 'bout this here gal of yers b4 ye marr'd her?

surely u didnt meet, greet, and woo her at the ''jumping jamboree'' ? 
surely they werent playing yer favorite song:
"gimmie a gimmie a gimmie a red neck girl" (by whomever)?
surely u werent too many whiskeys down when u ran off to
vegas/mexico to get hitched, now were ya partner?

forgive me 4 being sarcastic, but this reads like a complete
farce(as well as fiasco 4 u)and i'll deem it so if u dont
fill in some missing data re: u and her prior to hitching up in 1st place.

what man does all u say u did and puts up w/ nuttin' in return as u say do? 
do u have a job? retired? what?

u seem plenty smart, i.e. "co-dependent"(hmm, where have i
read that/this b4 eh?) so what u want us
to tell ya that u dont already know?

so fill in some history-holes here please b4 we can even 
attempt to answer all that a 1yr anniv of "pain" entails(which is a better title for this, dont ya think?)


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## fairy godmother

In my opinion, she seems immature and lazy. Stop doing all the housework for her and see what happens. Have you communicated that she needs to help out around the house? Maybe she's depressed..... 
I do things on my own time and sometimes leave things lying around, but I will pick them up sooner than later. I have a full time job, which helps in my defense. But I'm not much of a house keeper and I hate cleaning. She needs a kick in the butt...that always helps me.  Good luck.


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## El Guapo

cb45 said:


> i assume u r a male?
> u didnt indicate so on profile, and u use MsMalin as a moniker?
> hmmm, this may indicate more than meets the eye/mind....
> 
> that said.....u r way too intelligent to be marr'd to some avon(*******?)gal.
> doesnt add up to me, esp considering u mustve
> known something 'bout this here gal of yers b4 ye marr'd her?
> 
> surely u didnt meet, greet, and woo her at the ''jumping jamboree'' ?
> surely they werent playing yer favorite song:
> "gimmie a gimmie a gimmie a red neck girl" (by whomever)?
> surely u werent too many whiskeys down when u ran off to
> vegas/mexico to get hitched, now were ya partner?
> 
> forgive me 4 being sarcastic, but this reads like a complete
> farce(as well as fiasco 4 u)and i'll deem it so if u dont
> fill in some missing data re: u and her prior to hitching up in 1st place.
> 
> what man does all u say u did and puts up w/ nuttin' in return as u say do?
> do u have a job? retired? what?
> 
> u seem plenty smart, i.e. "co-dependent"(hmm, where have i
> read that/this b4 eh?) so what u want us
> to tell ya that u dont already know?
> 
> so fill in some history-holes here please b4 we can even
> attempt to answer all that a 1yr anniv of "pain" entails(which is a better title for this, dont ya think?)


Is there any way to block this guy?? It gives me a headache trying to read his replies.


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## cb45

"and we are........the 3 amigos!" :2gunsfiring_v1:



:liar:


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## KNA2009

I'm really trying to figure out why you married this woman in the first place. She must be mighty pretty b/c you talked about your whack sex life. Either way here's my take. First off it seems that you do a lot of showering her with gifts that aren't appropriate YET. Meaning you are enabling her bad behavior like the laziness or lack of initiative to take care of the home. Also I need to ask was it set forth what the responsibilities would be for the household chores a head of time? If not get a dry erase board and set her down and come up with a fair load of house work for you two to share. Things that can be done separate or together to strengthen your relationship in that aspect. Also don't hold it against her if she was messy when you met her and married her anyway. When you marry you marry with what you got and don't love and hope for what could be. If her way is to be messy make up for where she lacks by showing her how neat you are and encouraging her to do better if she wants to be a good helpmate. 

Sex is another sensitive but important part of marriage. Your wife seems to be so self-absorbed that she may not be even thinking of your needs as a priority. You need to express this to her firmly and quote the bible to her and refer her to your minister. 

As far as her character you picked her now influence her to want to be a better Christian in turn to be a better wife and lover to you. Pray together, read the word together, attend Bible study, adopt other Christian married friends and encourage her to befriend the wives of other couples that you admire and want to model your marriage after.

I hope this helps.


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## FOM

Why did you marry her? How long did you know her before you were married? Did she exhibit different behavior (more motivated) before you marriage (I would find that very hard to believe)?

I agree that you are enabling a lot of her behavior, though I don't necessarily agree that stopping the cooking/cleaning/laundry/etc will motivate her to pick up some of those things. She may just be a lazy slob and not care that the house is a disaster. If that's the case, changing her behavior will be very difficult, and it won't happen unless she cares enough about your feelings to initiate this change. There is really nothing you can do other than motivate her with the information that you won't continue in a marriage like this. Didn't you notice some of these red flags before the wedding?

If you want some Biblical reference for her, tell her to read Proverbs 31. That's the standard for a God fearing woman, and it is the opposite of a lazy house bound wife.

Does she have depression issues? Thyroid problems? If so these need to be addressed first.


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## cb45

sounds like u got a raw deal malin.

she must be a model or something, as even christians would
have a hard time puttin up w/ this after the 6th mth.

u have to know that u have enabled her BIG time. if not, 
then read over what u wrote n pretend it was by someone
else, not u. u'll see then.

choices are: if u wanna be true christian, quit yer whining, and
continue to lead by proper example, not enabling one. if she
doesnt come around to that, then start detaching yerself &
develop an outside life, devoid of yer W that she'll be jealous
of. use yer imagination. maybe then u'll have her attn at the
negotiation table.

if u wanna play hookey, or be a secular bulldog. then lay down the utimatum that u r ready to walk, only if u really are.
this should get her attn as well. if not, then u have deeper
issues/problems than u think u have.
but lets say she responds as most do. hmmmm, now u've got
her FULL attn. have yer list ready mate. make that, have a 
copy ready for her.

always yer choice. no one here pushing u.


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## Tanelornpete

There is hope for your marriage, so keep that in mind. As for the divorce option mentioned above, I don't see that as an option for you right now - it does not appear that you have biblical grounds for it. There are other steps you can take, however.

I do have a question: when she works, does she do it well? That is, does she get there every day, or does she spend most of her time home sick; does she get fired often, etc...


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## Atholk

Well just sounds like you are very strong on the Beta Male front and failing terribly on the Alpha Male front.

Just go to my blog link below and start poking around. I think you will find in interesting.

I'm not hearing anything that immediately seems to call for a divorce or anything.

And as a disclaimer I am an atheist, but what I talk about isn't really a religious / non-religious issue. I get a few comments that I'm doing God's Work and am Biblical in approach despite my best intentions to not get involved in any of that.


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## Brewster 59

cb45 said:


> i assume u r a male?
> u didnt indicate so on profile, and u use MsMalin as a moniker?
> hmmm, this may indicate more than meets the eye/mind....
> 
> that said.....u r way too intelligent to be marr'd to some avon(*******?)gal.
> doesnt add up to me, esp considering u mustve
> known something 'bout this here gal of yers b4 ye marr'd her?
> 
> surely u didnt meet, greet, and woo her at the ''jumping jamboree'' ?
> surely they werent playing yer favorite song:
> "gimmie a gimmie a gimmie a red neck girl" (by whomever)?
> surely u werent too many whiskeys down when u ran off to
> vegas/mexico to get hitched, now were ya partner?
> 
> forgive me 4 being sarcastic, but this reads like a complete
> farce(as well as fiasco 4 u)and i'll deem it so if u dont
> fill in some missing data re: u and her prior to hitching up in 1st place.
> 
> what man does all u say u did and puts up w/ nuttin' in return as u say do?
> do u have a job? retired? what?
> 
> u seem plenty smart, i.e. "co-dependent"(hmm, where have i
> read that/this b4 eh?) so what u want us
> to tell ya that u dont already know?
> 
> so fill in some history-holes here please b4 we can even
> attempt to answer all that a 1yr anniv of "pain" entails(which is a better title for this, dont ya think?)


LOL that is way too funny, not nice but funny.


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## cb45

:yawn2: "uhhh, tk u, tk u very much...." ---elvis.


:smcowboy: "yeeee haaaaaaw!"


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## LadyOfTheHouse

msmalin said:


> ...I've been a Christian for 20 years, and my wife and I had our first year anniversary a few weeks ago.
> This is what I do around the house:
> 
> Majority of cooking and cleaning dishes
> Laundry
> Vacuuming/mopping house
> Dusting
> Garbage
> Lawn care
> Keeping track of finances and bills
> Keeping the house in a general state of order
> *does she work outside the home? is she smart enough to be trusted w/ the bills? would she view it as a privilege to be entrusted w/ the bills, and would she learn her lesson the first time the power co killed the lights for non-payment? would you be happy if she took care of the interior stuff and you handled the lawn and "honey-do" repairs? what do feel is a fair division of labor, considering that you already work full-time?*
> 
> Sex:
> Infrequent sex. I don't even think she likes it. I always have to push for it.
> No imagination. When we do have sex, it's always the same thing.*do you MIND initiating? is she open to new stuff when YOU lead the charge and switch it up? maybe she likes you being dominant. you don't think she even likes it....did you guys have sex at all before you got married? (sorry, i know that's personal) or did you ever have awesome sex? when did that change? why? if she was a virgin, could she just be inexperienced and unsure of herself? and would she therefore be grateful for "training"? this is one area where few people object to being taught. =)*
> 
> Cleanliness:
> Doesn't clean up after herself: *what's wrong with, "hey, baby, would do mind sticking that in the sink/trashcan/wherever-it-belongs for me? thanks, love."*
> - Leaves coffee mugs everywhere except in the sink.
> - Leaves trash sitting on countertops, dressers, etc.
> - Leaves Avon, hairbows, etc. lying about for weeks when she is done with them rather than pick them up and put them away.
> Takes no initiative to clean unless I ask her to. I don't like to do this because I want this to be a shared effort. I try to lead by example, but there have been days when I work my butt off and she might put a load of clothes in.
> Her craft room is unusable because it is too messy with her stuff. There are half-packed suitcases lying about in there from trips we have taken months ago she hasn't bothered to unpack.
> Our bedroom looks like a landfill. Trash, shoes, purses, clothes piled everywhere. I don't have my own dresser surface to put my own things on.
> Our walk-in closet is barely walk-in anymore. She has two laundry baskets full of clothes piled high sitting in the closet. She won't hang up her clothes after over a year of marriage.
> 
> Relationship (hard to get a quantitative assessment of relational abilities, so these are my perceptions):
> Very little communication; most communication consists of smalltalk, how her day went, etc. I try to venture into deeper territory but I'm met with a blank stare.
> Doesn't share feelings, is not interested in meeting on common ground. I.E., I try to express my views on how she did something to hurt me. I do not do it in an accusational sort of attitude, I try to open up to her and express everything but it still ends up being my fault (in her perspective).
> Does not apologize, thinks she is infallible.
> Co-dependency - She cannot go to Walmart or anywhere else by herself. She cannot cook by herself without me getting involved to help. I feel at times as though I'm her dad. She doesn't like for me to spend time with friends. *maybe she enjoys cooking with you and is trying to make the prospect more appealing by appealing to your expertise?*
> Friends: doesn't have anyone she will go spend time with. Always wants to spend time with brother and sister-in-law rather than building new or developing existing friendships.
> Is not interested in deepening our relationship - I tell her that I feel we have stagnated in our relationship but she thinks everything is just fine. When I ask her for her ideas on how we can improve our relationship, or how I can be a better husband, she has nothing to say.*maybe it's hard for her to express dissatisfaction because she doesn't recognize what's missing and rationalizes to herself that you are, for all intents and purposes, a PHENOMENAL husband...on paper.*
> Selfish - I hate country music. We had planned on going to a country concert on one day (I decided I would go since she wanted to, I wanted to make her happy), but when that day came about, I was sick after lunch. I still attempted to drive to the concert and go with her, but by the time I got there I felt too bad and had to leave. She asked if I had made myself sick so I wouldn't have to go. I felt this was an intense assault on my character. *that was an extremely tacky and disrespectful judgement on her part. maybe she's imposing her own character flaws onto you....can you see her doing this? next time she pulls this type of ****, look her in the eye and ask her seriously, "do you believe that i would lie to you and disappoint you ion purpose to avoid going to a concert?" *
> 
> Laziness:
> Wants to lose weight, but doesn't want to really work for it (diet, exercise, etc.)
> Doesn't apply herself to even write up her own resume or respond to application questions - I fill these out for her for whatever jobs she wants to apply for. *let me give her the benefit of the doubt and suggest that maybe she values your superior knowledge and is giving you a compliment by asking for your help.*
> Likes to do Avon, but leaves her boxes, product, magazines, etc. strewn all over the house. *it goes in the craft room, period, see below.*
> I told her she needs to keep track of expenses and sales for tax reporting purposes, I'm sure she isn't doing this. Not keeping track of tax information is potentially harmful to our family.
> Same with hairbows - she likes to make hairbows for little girls/babies. She'll leave her hairbow "gear" out in the middle of the living room for weeks. *it goes in the craft room, period. see below.*
> Has a "craft room" where she keeps all of her crafting and Avon stuff, but it is a complete mess. It is unusable because she does not clean it up. *does she view it as "HERS" and therefore ok to treat how she wants? would you be ok with her confining her mes to that area? could you insist that she do so? "baby, i'm so proud that you've taken the initiative re this avon-n-hairbows venture; can i give you a hand w/ getting your craft room straightened out so you can keep ALL your projects in there? i can't relax when the living room looks like this, and i don't want to mess with your stuff because i don't want to ruin a work in progress. the purpose of the craft room was to give you your own space to work on whatever w/out it spilling into the living room, bedroom, etc. i need a neat, inviting space where i can relax. you see where i'm coming from? i'd take it as a gesture of respect if you'd keep your craft/biz stuff in that room.*
> Says she wants to participate in a craft fair but doesn't fill out the form to apply for a booth.
> When we do marriage-building type things, (i.e., lifegroup with church), she rarely reads her entire assigned reading. Doesn't like to discuss what was learned. Definitely does not apply what the books/friends instruct her to do to build the relationship. *ok, there's hypothetical marriage-building, and then there's APPLIED marriage-building. it's terrific that you're so involved and actively seeking solutions. but are you guys spending enough one-on-one time together doing stuff that strengthens your marriage in applied sense, i.e. cultivating love for one another? do something fun. something fun for BOTH of you, i mean. if she's rather self-focused and attention-driven, as i suspect she is, group reading assignments feel like tasks. she's expressing her resentment passively by not embracing them enthusiastically. what if you were to ask her, "hey, do you like our marraige group? do you feel like we're getting anything out of it? I feel like i've learned a lot, but i'm getting the vibe that you're not that into it. what do you say we skip next week's meeting and you and i can go have brunch together and then go fishing?" show her you're prioritizing HER as a wife over THE MARRIAGE as an institution. you follow?*
> When I hold her accountable to her diet/exercise plans, she ignores it and does what she wants. Does not apply herself. *tell us precisely how you hold her accountable for her diet and exercise plans. women are finicky. we'll whine about being fat (not me, i'm skinny!) and not believe it, and then get offended when someone supports us. IS she fat?*


does she SOUND lazy and spoiled? yes. do YOU sound resentful? yes. what worries me is that at ONE YEAR into the game and you're already keeping score about who's wronged whom. do you believe she was a poor choice for a wife and that she's just now showing her true colors? or is she indulging in this behavior (which, yes, from the outside appears selfish and ungrateful and lazy) BECAUSE SHE CAN and because you've not been honest with her about how this affects you? 

look, my natural tendency is towards the "lived-in look." i'm a sculptor. i think it looks jolly and busy and inviting. my husband, on the other hand (ex-marine, a touch of the ol' OCD, his bachelor pad featured in Better Homes n Gardens) CANNOT physically wind down in a house that's not just neat, but INVITING. there had better be some candles lit and some Dean Martin on and something awesome in the oven when he gets home, because otherwise HIS NIGHT WILL BE RUINED. which means no conversation, no sex, no fun. once i knew that about him, i cheerfully channeled all my creative instincts into being a killer domestic engineer. why, when it's not my natural inclination? because a HAPPY LIFE is my natural inclination too, and pleasing my husband is a joy not only because of the inherent pride and self-sacrifice, but because it frees him up to relax, be happy, and think about ME instead of obsessing about the house. and when you're married, an unhappy spouse can equal an unhappy life.

give her the benefit of the doubt. it would probably break her heart to hear that you think she's lazy. she's probably congratulating herself on her creativity (hairbows) and enterpreneurial spirit (avon) and assuming that you're thrilled for her and don't mind picking up the slack while she's busy with her pressing business ventures. (tongue in cheek.) TALK TO HER before you start to hate her. don't choose your battles with care, choose your words, actions, and attitudes with care.

p.s. is she a christian too? is she familiar w/ the concept of submission? is there a sweet way to clue her in on Proverbs and Titus2?


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## cookie58

Hey msmalin,

Before anything else...please search web or Dr. Hallowell's web site on ADHA/ADD and Marriage. 

Based on what you have said here your wife has the classic symptoms of ADD....and if she did not exhibit any hyperactivity in her childhood and managed to get through school with average grades she may not have been diagnosed.

Check with her family as to her childhood with regards to school and if she was a daydreamer, couldn't focus, late, etc...

Many of those symptoms "look like" selfisness, Lazy, inattentive.
lack of emotion or caring. 

I have lived with my ADD husband for 24 years and before he was diagnosed about 15 years ago I struggled with what you are stuggling with on some of these issues. 

She can get tested by her MD or specialist and there are primary test she can take on line to see if it is a possiblility.

The clue here is: does she struggle to do better, but just can't
no won't.

Once your change your perspective and get an ADD coach things will be greatly improved if this in fact turns out to be the case.

It is a phycological/Physical difference and can not be fixed..it is the way their brain works..but it can be managed and worked with and medicated.

There are also lots positives about ADD.. They are very creative people and fun and spontaneous....

Please check it out....

PS...also. I agree with other poster on marriagebuilders.com..excellent website and great books. 
Check that out also.

Cookie58


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