# Hubby wants to take female coworker out to breakfast



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Hubby commented about a female coworker always posting depressing stuff on Facebook. Said he offered to take her out to breakfast. 

How would you feel about this?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

The main question is: How do you feel about it? If my wife wanted to take a male coworker out to breakfast because he was writing depressing stuff on Facebook, I wouldn't be too happy about it. If fact, I'd find out what restaurant she was going to take him to and I'd be sitting right at the table next to them.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Obviously I don't think that it's appropriate that he take female coworkers out to eat, but fear if I say something I will come across as too controlling and will push him away. That old 38 Special song comes to mind "hold on loosely, but don't let go if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control."


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You should invite yourself. "Because WE could be supportive for her." 

If he wants to cheer up a friend, how can he turn you down???


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I have never met her and it would be directly when they are getting off of work at 8 a.m. in the morning.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'd be nervous because I don't know anything about her. She's vulnerable and sometimes people get sucked into the lives of vulnerable people because they think those people need them. She might become clingy. My husband goes out with women (though it's usually in a group), but even if it was alone, if I knew it was his secretary, who I've known for 20 years, or another woman, who's husband is sick, I'd feel better, but this "breakfast because she's depressed," doesn't sit right with me. I'm not sure I'd outright tell him not to go, but I might express my concerns.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your H getting involved in a female co-worker's personal life isn't a good idea, as it opens up the door to emotional bonding between them. It would be more appropriate, IMO, for your H to perhaps solicit the help of another female co-worker to support this woman.

Protecting your marriage by having healthy boundaries cannot be construed as controlling, IMO.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> Obviously I don't think that it's appropriate that he take female coworkers out to eat, but fear if I say something I will come across as too controlling and will push him away. That old 38 Special song comes to mind "hold on loosely, but don't let go if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control."


curlysue: I'm going to tell you what I tell every testosterone free guy here who's wife is out trolling on them: "grow a pair". If you are not comfortable with this, tell him. Talk it out. If he dose it anyway despite your feelings, then make sure he knows you are not happy about it. You women have a way of making it very clear when you are unhappy with us guys!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

The problem is he has a female friend he has had since high school. She is well over 200 pounds and I am not treatened by her at all, but I don't think she makes it a steady habit to go crying on his shoulder for emotional support. That's what significant others and girlfriends are for. They are just friends. I don't know if the coworker is younger and attractive. I just have a problem with other women using my husband for emotional support. My exhusband had women crying on his shoulder all the time. I couldn't even sit down and have a meal with him without him texting all through it.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Nope Nada Zilch..... if she's depressed, she needs to use EAP (free counseling services most employers offer) to discuss her issues; not your husband. Unless, of course, your husband is a trained counselor/therapist; if so, then the hourly rate should apply.


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## Cheryl88 (Dec 31, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> Hubby commented about a female coworker always posting depressing stuff on Facebook. Said he offered to take her out to breakfast.
> 
> How would you feel about this?


I wouldn't stand in his way but would certainly expect to be kept in the loop about what exactly happened when they were together, just in a casual conversational sense. Only if he appeared guarded about opening up would I start to have any ill feeling about it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You're getting such good advice, all I can say is "ditto".


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Tell your husband that there are other methods of supporting a friend than taking them out on a date.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> I have never met her and it would be directly when they are getting off of work at 8 a.m. in the morning.


Meet them there.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> Hubby commented about a female coworker always posting depressing stuff on Facebook. Said he offered to take her out to breakfast.
> 
> How would you feel about this?


 This is not for business reasons, this is to give her emotional support with the intent of cheering her up. This sounds like a date. This potentially could be the starting point of an emotional affair (EA).

Although most couples do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), many do. Most that do allow OSF have established boundaries that they both follow with these OSF. The most common boundary is that the OSF must know the spouse and be a friend of the marraige; this other woman does not meet this reasonable boundary requirement. Another is that the spouse must be welcome to attend all meetings with the OSF; again this meeting does not comply with this. Thus this meeting would be considered by the majority of couples to be inappropriate, and you would be within your rights to ask him not to have this meeting with this other women.

Going forward you need to discuss and establish OSF boundaries with your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your husband is asking you if he can date a woman he works with?

The answer should be no. Why would he want to get involved in the drama. If he goes, go and meet her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, what is his position compared to hers? Is he above her in the chain of command? On equal level?

Him asking her out could be construed as sexual harassment.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You should not be afraid to have good clear boundaries in your marriage.

You need to talk to him about emotional affairs and what you need from him- for example an emotionally faithful husband who puts your marriage first.

I personally think having lots of co workers on face book is a a bad idea too, unless you are both friends.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I think you might end up writing depressed stuff on Facebook yourself.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

TRy said:


> This is not for business reasons, this is to give her emotional support with the intent of cheering her up. This sounds like a date. This potentially could be the starting point of an emotional affair (EA).
> 
> Although most couples do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), many do. Most that do allow OSF have established boundaries that they both follow with these OSF. The most common boundary is that the OSF must know the spouse and be a friend of the marraige; this other woman does not meet this reasonable boundary requirement. Another is that the spouse must be welcome to attend all meetings with the OSF; again this meeting does not comply with this. Thus this meeting would be considered by the majority of couples to be inappropriate, and you would be within your rights to ask him not to have this meeting with this other women.
> 
> Going forward you need to discuss and establish OSF boundaries with your husband.


This is great advice. I have had this convo with my wife several times. She had the tendency to live like a single teenager. She has worked on this a good bit, still annoying and damaging. It is important to let your spouse know that you will not tolerate any violations of the rules you both set.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> Hubby commented about a female coworker always posting depressing stuff on Facebook. Said he offered to take her out to breakfast.
> 
> How would you feel about this?


Now that I am aware of the slippery slope that these activities sit on I would not be too happy. Since he has mentioned it to you.... if only for the sake of being able to say "Well, I've been honest with you......."

I would try to find out what their relationship has been up to this point. Is FB friends with more than her regarding co-workers and other people he knows in professional capacity. If she is the only one, I would be very worried. Try to get a feel as to how people in the office / department regularly relate with one another.

Everyone gets depressed and unhappy about something, advise him to direct her to resources that are qualified to help her.

And men like using that "she looked so depressed return." For some strange reason when my fiance was having an EA, a turning point moment I later learned was when he went in for the kiss with her and she rejected him. 

I learned about this by reading an e-mail from her to him in which she said that there is no such thing as a pity kiss. I asked him who initiated that kiss and I got more than I bargained for. He not only admitted that he initiated it but it was meant to be passionate. She rejected the kiss and that was the moment when he started being more attentive to me.

But the point here that's important, men will use that permutation of "I felt sorry for her" to justify anything.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

*Another issue is: Why is he all up in her FB? :scratchhead:*


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## Cheryl88 (Dec 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, what is his position compared to hers? Is he above her in the chain of command? On equal level?
> 
> Him asking her out could be construed as sexual harassment.


Is it not a very sad world where somebody who's probably making a perfectly innocent attempt to help a work colleague can be accused of sexual harassment?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *Another issue is: Why is he all up in her FB? :scratchhead:*


The first thing that hit my mind was this.
I agree with what everyone else has said.You don't offer coworkers of the opposite sex emotional support.All too often you end up commiserating just to make them feel better then you get sucked into their spiral of negativity.You take it home with you and before you know it,your marriage looks terrible and your vulnerable in distress coworker looks more and more appealing.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

southern wife said:


> *Another issue is: Why is he all up in her FB? :scratchhead:*



Southern Belle, you talk like my mother. But she grew up in NYC.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> I just have a problem with other women using my husband for emotional support.


This is what you tell him.

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains exactly why things such as this breakfast are marriage killers.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> My exhusband had women crying on his shoulder all the time. I couldn't even sit down and have a meal with him without him texting all through it.


Given your history, I would tell him that you are not "comfortable" with this & ask him not to take her out. 

She is not a female friend like the other one you mentioned. She is an opposite-sex co-worker & that should be their only relationship...co-workers.

Not after work pals who go out to breakfast.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Some men need to feel like the hero.Always rescuing that poor female in distress bc it makes them feel like more of a man.My ex did this and that's why he was interested in me to start with.I was in distress,he rescued me.When I didn't need rescuing anymore he began looking for other ladies to rescue.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Just follow your gut instinct. If you are uncomfortable then the answer is no.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Southern Belle, you talk like my mother. But she grew up in NYC.


:lol: I typed it in my most Southern twang!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> The problem is he has a female friend he has had since high school. She is well over 200 pounds and I am not treatened by her at all, but I don't think she makes it a steady habit to go crying on his shoulder for emotional support. That's what significant others and girlfriends are for. They are just friends. I don't know if the coworker is younger and attractive. I just have a problem with other women using my husband for emotional support. My exhusband had women crying on his shoulder all the time. I couldn't even sit down and have a meal with him without him texting all through it.


first of all, while they say that men are visual creatures, you need to remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

While my fiance's EA claimed on a social media to want to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30, I think he did find her attractive. I think he did especially liked her feisty / b!tchy attitude she had as well. 

And while I think that she just enjoyed stringing him along -- women in their 20s really like keeping a harem of male friends -- when he started turning away from her -- since she rejected his kiss -- she then accused HIM of leading her on. Could this young co-worker be trying to develop her harem of male friends and doesn't realise how important it is to leave the work place alone.

And I should also add, my fiance liked saying that she had emotional problems, that she couldn't understand how he could be interested in a 50 yo woman -- even, he says, he told her that I don't have the insecurities that she has.......

You really need to get your husband to snap out of it. Younger women aren't any more of an advantage than any other age. If they're hot, they're not going to fool around with older, ineligible men. Why would they if men their age were giving them all the attention that they needed? If they fool around with older, married men at all it's because they see it as a brief fling. If they get a few free meals and an all expense paid vacation out of it, better for them.

As far as his texting and phone calling other people in front of you, that's just rude. If he does it again, you should leave the table.

Have a look at this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/25/f...ve-again-after-the-affair.html?pagewanted=all


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

YOU don't like it (and you're not hyper-jealous as evidenced by his other women friends), so THAT is reason enought for him not to do it. POINT THIS OUT TO HIM.



> Originally posted by IslandGirl:
> She's vulnerable and sometimes people get sucked into the lives of vulnerable people because they think those people need them. She might become clingy.


Point out to him the LIKELIHOOD and DANGER of this. If she is TRULY that messed up and depressed, does he want to be RESPONSIBLE for keeping her 'from the edge'? Does he feel he is 'qualified' to help her with her problems? A real friend would advise her of WHEN she needs to seek professional help...is she at that point? Could he tell? 

Tell him he's opening up a can of worms (even APART from the implications to your marriage) that he may NOT really want to deal with in the future.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> Hubby commented about a female coworker always posting depressing stuff on Facebook. Said he offered to take her out to breakfast.
> 
> How would you feel about this?


I would feel that he needs to ask one of her female coworkers if she can get to the bottom of what is going on with her, and that perhaps some of the other women can take her to lunch or breakfast. It's nice that he cares, but a married man's shoulder should not be the one that another woman cries on.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> As far as his texting and phone calling other people in front of you, that's just rude. If he does it again, you should leave the table.
> 
> Have a look at this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/25/f...ve-again-after-the-affair.html?pagewanted=all



It was my "ex" husband who did all the texting with women.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *Another issue is: Why is he all up in her FB? :scratchhead:*


I also agree with this. Perhaps he needs to unfriend her also?


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