# stay at home dad + resentment and a life decision



## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

I have been reading through threads on here for a few weeks now and elsewhere for months. I am just needing a little input on a major decision I am about to make concerning my employment.
Ok, so here is the story;
We are both 40 and been together since the eighth grade. Neither has been with anyone else sexually. At least I haven't and I am pretty sure she hasn't either(like 99.9%) we have 3 kids. She is an RN and works 3 - 12 hour shifts a week making about 60K/year. I have been a stay at home dad for about 7 years now, but I have a home business that makes about 30k/year plus major write offs which helps greatly on taxes. I don't want to get to specific, but the business is open to the public and very family oriented and very rewarding to the spirit. Before that I made about 60k driving to the city about 70 miles away. we budget well and although we cannot just go out whenever we like, we are in good financial standings. As for house work, I do about 50% of all the chores in the house, the kids do about 30% and she does laundry. We live on a 200 acre farm and I also do all the exterior chores other than mowing around the house which is my sons chore. I also do all the grocery shopping, cooking, bills, kids school stuff, anything else you can think of that involves keeping a house in order and work about 20-25 hours a week on the home business.
So over the past few years I have noticed that I am being treated like an outsider or rather there is allot of resentment towards our arrangement. We have discussed this several times and my wife is not interested in being the stay at home parent. She is very career oriented and is back in school now also. Not to mention she has no disciplinary skills and the kids just walk all over her when I am not around. This is getting better as they get older. I always have her back on this, but I am getting off subject. Lately she has even been going out with work friends which is hard for her, because she always feels guilty about not being home with the kids, as she has expressed vividly.
We never argue, but talk things out. Not all the time I must admit. Sometimes I go to bed wondering what the hell we are doing.
So about 6 months ago when we had our last heated argument over my stay at home arrangement I just asked her if she wanted me to go back to work and let the home business go. I explained that I have never been happier in life, I am doing what I love and I am able to stay at home with my kids. So I point blank asked her if she would be happier if I made 20k a year flipping burgers? What came next hit me like a brick when she said "at least then I would know you were working". I really felt like she couldn't love me anymore if it meant that I had to be miserable for her to be happy. But since then I have been trying to talk more about the resentment she has towards me(oddly enough I have been building quite a bit of my own towards her). I ask her why and what it stems from and she has no reply, so I give some examples of why it might be, such as me being with the kids all the time, I have a big supportive family that allows me to also play music once a week in a band., I get overwhelming support from the community for my business, etc and she will say, yes that makes sense, so we go through the whole thing about why we decided to have 1 of us raise our kids and the expense involved in childcare and commuting since we live so far from the city, and everything seems to be resolved, then about 2 weeks go by and I can tell something is up, she is pulling away from me when I go in for long hugs. about a month ago after an event on our property I was discussing the great time all the kids had with some patrons and friends and I was blindsided with pure negativity from her and she was very vocal about how I am a stay at home dad and I slacked off this week while getting ready for the event. I thought she was just joking around, but it became very clear she was upset. I didn't know what to think, the event went perfect, we made $5000 on the day, I had thanked her and everyone every chance I got for all the volunteer work. so I just stated that we should keep our personal affairs in private and went on discussing the day, but again it became very clear she was looking for some team mates to jump all over me. It just became very uncomfortable and I removed myself from the situation. I was really taken back and I really felt like there was just no way to get passed this resentment. I stayed in our camper that night and she had an event with her friends the next day, so I took the kids to my moms and just broke down like have never broke down before. I was ready to give up and move on. I just felt like I could not make her happy. But my mom convinced me to talk it out again, it was a tough discussion and I almost got her to admit it was time to move on, but somehow we decided to give it a go again. I have never tried harder in my life to make my wife feel wanted and loved. We went camping last week for 5 days and getting a hug or kiss from her was like pulling teeth. She has never had a big sex drive even when we were young. I would estimate we have sex about 1-2 times a month. I know what the research says on this! and I would definitely like more, but again I am getting off topic. 
So here is the deal, I have an opportunity to go back to work and make what I make now at home. I will have to let the home business go, but I am willing to try anything to save this marriage. And my feeling is, if it doesn't save the marriage, I will be back in the workplace and it will make the transition easier. I guess I am just asking for any advice for any of this.
ps. I plan on some marriage counseling as well, but the closest is 80 minutes away. We are not religious, so a preacher is out of the question. I am getting more and more the feeling that I am beating a dead horse and the end is getting near.


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## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

I wouldn't be happy if I were in your situation, either! So it seems your wife resents you for staying home, and doing things that she perhaps wishes she could do? I also think there is a bit of 'just' a stay at home attitude going on. Any parent that stays at home to raise their kids isn't 'just' a stay at home parent, it is a very selfless thing to do and it is not easy, and throw in a home business too! A lot of people seem to be so dismissing of stay at home parents. 
Ok, so you are considering giving up staying at home and your home business, something you LOVE and are happiest doing, to get a "real" (I so don't agree with using that real) job, just to make your wife happy? I wouldn't recommend doing that, because with time you will start resenting her for "making" you give up something you loved doing. That won't be healthy nor helpful to your relationship. I also dont think your wife's attitude will change, I don't know why I feel that way exactly, but it's a feeling I get.
I don't know what to suggest you do, but I think marriage counselling would be a very, very wise move for your relationship, and I believe it should be your first step from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This has very little to do with you or the fact that you stay at home. It has to do with her feeling unappreciated or not reaching her own goals. In short, she's a little jealous when she sees other people succeeding and she feels like she's not a success. Think about all the media, advertising, and tv/radio programs that promote the idea that everyone is happy. We go to work and see people showing their best face, and we measure our own success by them to some degree. When we're feeling uncertain, AND we're using them as a measuring tape, it can really magnify feelings of dissatisfaction. And who is the most convenient target? Our partners, of course. You've heard of "kick the dog" syndrome at some point, right? 

Part of it could be related to hormonal shifts that happen after the age of 35, especially if she's started into pre-menopause, though she's still reasonably young for this. A good endocrinologist could hone in on whether that could be contributing. 

You guys have a LOT of history and positive experiences to go washing it down the drain over something like this. If she comes home and sees that you've been able to spend time with the kids, AND produce income (even if it *is* less), AND feel content, it can really leave her feeling out in the cold. 

I'd recommend making it a point to listen to her about her day every day, and to express your appreciation that she works hard for the family. If you're bringing in $30k a year and living on a 200-acre farm, then she's bringing home plenty of bacon to deserve ample recognition. Be her cheerleader and biggest fan. Do nice things to show that her home is a place to be pampered - back rubs, foot massages, etc. 

When she's not feeling negative, you might ask her if she feels fulfilled in her career. Is it going the way she wants it to? Does she feel like she's missing out on stuff? What other goals does she have? 

Also, when she expresses negativity, you can ask her whether she's saying those things because she's mad at YOU or if she's mad at something else.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

The stay at home dad is a tough place to be. It is very beta behavior and you must have TONS of alpha traits to counter balance that. It is unnatural for a man to stay at home while a woman works. Our society may condone it, but what you are going through is usually the result. You guys are making 90K a year and you can't go out whenever you want? Do you have a lot of debt? Can that be why your W is upset that you are not bringing in more money. I am a single dad who makes 84K/year and I go out whenever I want and go on lots of vacations when I can take leave to do so. What gives?


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> The stay at home dad is a tough place to be. It is very beta behavior and you must have TONS of alpha traits to counter balance that. It is unnatural for a man to stay at home while a woman works. Our society may condone it, but what you are going through is usually the result. You guys are making 90K a year and you can't go out whenever you want? Do you have a lot of debt? Can that be why your W is upset that you are not bringing in more money. I am a single dad who makes 84K/year and I go out whenever I want and go on lots of vacations when I can take leave to do so. What gives?


we do fine on going out, I may have mis-stated? All 3 kids ride dirtbikes as we do and we have expensive hobbies. i just mean we don't go out to eat evry night and shopping spree's every weekend.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

NotAlwaysEasy said:


> I wouldn't be happy if I were in your situation, either! So it seems your wife resents you for staying home, and doing things that she perhaps wishes she could do? I also think there is a bit of 'just' a stay at home attitude going on. Any parent that stays at home to raise their kids isn't 'just' a stay at home parent, it is a very selfless thing to do and it is not easy, and throw in a home business too! A lot of people seem to be so dismissing of stay at home parents.
> Ok, so you are considering giving up staying at home and your home business, something you LOVE and are happiest doing, to get a "real" (I so don't agree with using that real) job, just to make your wife happy? I wouldn't recommend doing that, because with time you will start resenting her for "making" you give up something you loved doing. That won't be healthy nor helpful to your relationship. I also dont think your wife's attitude will change, I don't know why I feel that way exactly, but it's a feeling I get.
> I don't know what to suggest you do, but I think marriage counselling would be a very, very wise move for your relationship, and I believe it should be your first step from here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When i really think hard about giving it up and going back to work outside the house, I can feel the resentment already. I guess I am just at a last attempt place. Like maybe I can handle the resentment better so I can keep my kids close.
The MC is the next step. She said she would go, but when I treid to set a date, she is too busy with work and school.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> This has very little to do with you or the fact that you stay at home. It has to do with her feeling unappreciated or not reaching her own goals. In short, she's a little jealous when she sees other people succeeding and she feels like she's not a success. .


I have brought this up several times, especially after the last incedent with the degrading after a successful event. She denied any jealousy initially and then admitted to it. but then like I said a cpl weeks go by and we are right back to where we started. Thats where I am so lost and feel like I should take one for the team?


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

thanks for the replies by the way.
It really helps to get some outside input.
I know I am not giving all my faults in this as I know I hold a lot of resentment from lack of sex as well that creates issues.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So have you been the wife for your entire relationship or just part of it?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That was a little tongue in cheek


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## 1tired (Jun 23, 2012)

Will you marry me?  just kidding. you would not like being married to me, I consent to sex even less often than your wife, lol. But I am the breadwinner with a SAH husband, so I thought I'd answer from that perspective.

In our situation, I truly think my husband would feel more fulfilled and be happier, and subsequently our marriage would be happier, if he worked outside the home. He has a lot of friends and does some volunteer things, but it doesn't seem to be filling all of his needs. He looks to me to fill everything, and I'm just not up to it. I work 60+ hours a week (and he actually wants me to work more to increase our income) and I can't be his everything.

Could that be where your wife is coming from? It sounds like you have a lot going on and are probably not in the same boat, I don't know. From the perspective of someone on the opposite side of the issue I can only say that I don't resent that he doesn't work for money, and I don't even resent that he isn't the "housewife" (we hire out all the chores and responsibilities usually done by a SAH parent). I do resent that I get asked for more and more in every sense, while he is inflexible about what he is and is not willing to contribute.

I don't know what to tell you except the fact that you are willing to "take one for the team" suggests it is worth trying to save your marriage. Were I your wife, I'd be besotted with that level of dedication to the family. Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just a word of caution. Your wife's behavior does have some red flags. I will just mention them

The Coping with Infidelity section of this site has atleast 5-6 Stay at home husbands that were cheated upon their wives in the last couple of months. Maybe it is the societal structure that often makes a woman disrespect a man(subconsciously?) who stays at home even when it was the logical decision to stay at H. Your wife isn't any different(in that she does not have any respect for you)

Your wife is an RN right? Some poster pointed out to a study that infidelity is highly prevalent among women in medical profession. There are quite a few on this site too.

She is picking up fights and demeaning you without any particular reason. Pointless fighting often happens when one of the partners is cheating (to justify the infidelity)

She feels guilty about her Nights out. A point of concern given her other behavior. 

Have you ruled infidelity out? Any other red flags in your relationship?(lots of time on phone or the computer and facebook, unaccounted time, working overtime, suspicious behavior, lack of physical intimacy, cringing at your touch etc etc)

Again correlation isn't causation. She isn't necessarily cheating but can you rule it out?


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i cant speak for anyone but myself.. but the whole mr. mom thing is not attractive to me. yes.. all your efforts with kids and chores is admirable.. and i wish my own hubs would help me more.. but only to the extent of taking out the trash or loading the dish washer once in a while. i would probably resent my hubs too if he was hanging out all day... 

my guess is she doesnt see the home business as real "work".. as a nurse on a 12 hour shift.. now that is work. standing, walking... listening to sick people all day.. i'm sure it's a drain both on her body and her brain... and while she says she's career oriented.. who doesnt want to stay at home and hang out all day? if you're making half of what she's making at home.. i cant help but think she may be a little jealous or at least envious of your lifestyle. i probably would be too. 

my suggestion.. if the business has to potential to grow, then move it out of the house into an office space.. that way she'll "know you're working" and you'll probably dedicate more time so the business will be more successful. then the whole 9-5 thing with the commute problem is eliminated and at least she will feel better that you're not at home (potentially) working. 

my hubs whines a lot imo... but when it comes to providing financially for us...it's something he takes very seriously.. and it's something i truly respect him for. 

i say grab your berries, and make some changes!

good luck!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think women are more unprepared for equality than men are. I don't see a man resenting a woman if she did the same as the OP did(many would be delighted). Heck. I don't see most men resenting the wife being a SAHM unless the family is in financial hardships.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i dunno how one person staying at home and one person going to work is equality anyway? equality would be both parents working and both taking responsibility for their children. 

and i've read plenty of posts where men are posting about their "lazy" stay at home mom wives complaining about this, that and the other.. mostly that they have to contribute with the chore load. 

speaking generically about the responsibilities of men vs women isnt useful... every marriage/family has their own balance. just because your hubs wouldnt resent you for staying home, doesnt mean mine wouldnt.. or anyone else's..


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I'm with 3LeafClover- was this the longterm plan for her to be the primary breadwinner and you to be Mr Mom? Or did you just eventually figure out a ways o make it all good/work out for you. Do you save plenty of $$?

What happens if you would divorce? Could you maintain your lifestyle without her income?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> i dunno how one person staying at home and one person going to work is equality anyway? equality would be both parents working and both taking responsibility for their children.
> 
> and i've read plenty of posts where men are posting about their "lazy" stay at home mom wives complaining about this, that and the other.. mostly that they have to contribute with the chore load.
> 
> speaking generically about the responsibilities of men vs women isnt useful... every marriage/family has their own balance. just because your hubs wouldnt resent you for staying home, doesnt mean mine wouldnt.. or anyone else's..



That is how the marriage institution worked for so many centuries. Equality isn't equivalent work. It is sharing responsibilities. Hence alimony when a spouse divorces his partner who was "Stay at Home".


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

stay at home dad said:


> But since then I have been trying to talk more about the resentment she has towards me(oddly enough I have been building quite a bit of my own towards her).


After reading this, I kept reading and looking for it......whatever IT was. After I finished reading, I couldn't help thinking something was off. Even though you focused on her and her resentment, the story still seemed fragmented because I didn't get the satisfaction I was looking for concerning this first clue. So, I read your post again.

And there it was............


stay at home dad said:


> I would estimate we have sex about 1-2 times a month. I know what the research says on this! and I would definitely like more, but again I am getting off topic.


Can't believe I missed it the first time, but I got thrown by you acknowledging your digression.

Reading the responses, I find this one from you..........


stay at home dad said:


> I know I am not giving all my faults in this as I know I hold a lot of resentment from lack of sex as well that creates issues.


So, I appreciated you finally giving us more of the rundown, but how do you expect fair and honest responses after giving part of the story? People always play off each other, respond to each other, react to each other, but you will have us believing your wife resents you out of the blue and for no reason at all and that it doesn't even make sense for her to resent you for being a SAHD for all the reasons that you should be a SAHD, in addition to her being completely on board with it. Then, you portray yourself to be such the martyr. Oh gees.

Now that we know you are a jerk to your wife because you don't get sex as much as you want, what would you like the balance of your responses to be? You mind giving us the full picture?


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That is how the marriage institution worked for so many centuries. Equality isn't equivalent work. It is sharing responsibilities. Hence alimony when a spouse divorces his partner who was "Stay at Home".


i hate debating on stuff that is irrelevant to the OP, but i cant help myself. just because marriages worked that way "for centuries" doesnt mean that it should work that way now. polygamy "worked" for centuries.. does that mean it "works" now? 

many countries follow this model where the wife stays at home and the man works.. but does it work in the good ol' US of A in 2012? i'd say no... do you think the women in those countries where it "works" are equivalent to men? psh... 

alimony is a freakin joke.. it's a cop out for people who dont want to work. imho it's a slight step above welfare... gotta get that free money from somewhere. 

i dunno what "Equality isn't equivalent work." means.. but i do know that equality implies equal responsibilities and rights.. sitting at home checking homework is not the same as wiping an old woman's ass in the hospital...

just sayin...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

"...the business is open to the public and very family oriented and very rewarding to the spirit."

Great...at whose expense and whose spirit?

"I explained that I have never been happier in life, I am doing what I love and I am able to stay at home with my kids. So I point blank asked her if she would be happier if I made 20k a year flipping burgers?"

That's great that you're happy...but unfortunately she feels it is at her expense. Then on top of it you use guilt and make it seem like she just wants to see you miserable when that is not the issue at all. 

"...me being with the kids all the time, I have a big supportive family that allows me to also play music once a week in a band., I get overwhelming support from the community for my business, etc..."

Your focus is entirely on yourself and your world here. 

"I really felt like she couldn't love me anymore if it meant that I had to be miserable for her to be happy."

There you go again using her love for you to manipulate her into thinking she'll only be happy if you are miserable flipping burgers. Because that's the only job you'll ever be able to get? Of course, you made $60,000 a year at one point in time. Basically you made what she is making now. 

Whose decision was it for you to quit and be a SAHD? She carried three kids for nine months and went through three very painful births, and you seem to be reaping most of the rewards by deciding to stay at home and watch them grow up, work only 25 hours a week, seem to be fulfilling your dreams on top of it while she is in the background probably feeling like she is working her butt off and getting little to no rewards for it. She has to work up to 12 hours a day, then comes home and her own kids don't even respect her enough to listen to her. She obviously feels like she has got the shaft in life...yeah, I would say that is a recipe for resentment all the way around. 

The whole equality thing is an issue because society has been conditioned for a long time that men work and women take care of the kids. That's just how most of society is wired to think. So when a guy's wife is working and bringing home the bacon, and the guy is home only putting in 20 hours a week...yeah you are going to get some judging and negativity there worse than if it was a woman staying home and working 20 hours a week. What, you don't think women have been looked down upon for years for the same thing? "I'm at work and you are home watching soaps and eating bon-bons!" Cliche of a statement for a reason. Doesn't matter if she cleaned house, did laundry, cooked dinner, carted the kids around to school and after-school activities. 

Your wife obviously does not like the role she feels she's been forced into playing, and it sounds as if she's tried to tell you but you've blown it off as her just wanting to see you unhappy, which pretty much nips any kind of working things out in the bud because really you don't want to reconcile, you just want to do what you want because you're happy with your lifestyle and she should just shut up and stop trying to make you miserable by expecting you to go to a less appealing job where you might make more money, and ease some of the pressure off of her, but you'll lose your wonderful lifestyle, and all because of her. 

So there you go. I can guarantee all of this is going through her mind at any given moment of the day. Don't attack me for it...I'm just saying out loud what she's feeling.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> ...the business is open to the public and very family oriented and very rewarding to the spirit."
> 
> Great...at whose expense and whose spirit?
> 
> ...



Personal happiness is important. I don't see your point. What if he works at home? he is contributing in terms of finances and responsibilities. Why is it at her expense? He shouldn't be happy? Is that what you mean?


I see a lot of man hate, spite and anger in your post. This part especially



> Whose decision was it for you to quit and be a SAHD? She carried three kids for nine months and went through three very painful births, and you seem to be reaping most of the rewards by deciding to stay at home and watch them grow up, work only 25 hours a week, seem to be fulfilling your dreams on top of it while she is in the background probably feeling like she is working her butt off and getting little to no rewards for it. She has to work up to 12 hours a day, then comes home and her own kids don't even respect her enough to listen to her. She obviously feels like she has got the shaft in life...yeah, I would say that is a recipe for resentment all the way around.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Personal happiness is important. I don't see your point. What if he works at home? he is contributing in terms of finances and responsibilities. Why is it at her expense? He shouldn't be happy? is that what you mean?


Personal happiness is important to both spouses. The OP isn't telling the whole story here, and all I heard him talk about was his happiness and his life and that all she wanted to do was ruin it for him. That isn't fair to her. There's more to the story. I was just saying what was probably going through her head, and trying to point out that saying she just wants him to be miserable may not be the case at all and isn't a fair accusation to make.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And you assumed the rest, right? Is that fair?


He takes the most of the house responsibilities while making 33-40% of the total family income(inclusing tax benefits). how is that unfair? Would you say the same to a SAHM?


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

she said she was unhappy with the arrangement... what arent you understanding... the whole post was about her resentment ... 

sure he's happy.. he's at home while she's in a hospital.. i'd chose to stay home too.. 

i dont see man hate, warlock.. i see common sense...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> And you assumed the rest, right?


What else can I do but assume? He's only giving us half of the story. And besides...what did I assume? What specifically are you talking about? I'm going on what he information he gave us and a lifetime of experience and observation.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i'm not a stay at home mom. warlock... but i pull my own weight.. like i said.. every marriage has their own balance.. my hubs works more and i take care of the home. but we are BOTH ok with that. 

you dont know what his business is... for all you know it doesnt require much "work" even if it's a lucrative business. if you worked 40 hrs a week and your SO worked half that for not doing much' would you feel cheated?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> she said she was unhappy with the arrangement... what arent you understanding... the whole post was about her resentment ...
> 
> sure he's happy.. he's at home while she's in a hospital.. i'd chose to stay home too..
> 
> i dont see man hate, warlock.. i see common sense...


You are seeing what you want to see. 

How can a nurse work from home? Is she capable of running the home business? She resents him because he works from home? And you think that is OK? 

Either she wants him to work a different job so that she can stay at home. That would be hypocritical.

Or she does not want him at home doing what he is comfortable with while she is working at a hospital. So does he have to find a more stressful job and make as much as he is now just to even it out?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> i hate debating on stuff that is irrelevant to the OP, but i cant help myself. just because marriages worked that way "for centuries" doesnt mean that it should work that way now. polygamy "worked" for centuries.. does that mean it "works" now?
> 
> many countries follow this model where the wife stays at home and the man works.. but does it work in the good ol' US of A in 2012? i'd say no... do you think the women in those countries where it "works" are equivalent to men? psh...
> 
> ...



This comment is way off base. I wasn't taking about what you are referring here


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> My thoughts are similar to Married in VA's. How long have you lived on the farm? Is there a mortgage on it? How much debt do you have? If you have a mortgage or other debts older than 7 years, was it always the plan for her to carry 2/3 of that by herself for such a long period of time?
> 
> Previously, you both contributed 50/50 financially because your salaries were the same. You say that you can't just go out whenever you like. That makes me think you guys probably have very little left over after paying bills, buying food, and putting a sensible amount into savings for emergency funds or retirement.
> 
> ...


we have lived here for 17 years. Its really not a financial thing I tried to re-explain earlier. She does like to shop for clothes and that is one area its hard to keep up with on a daily basis as she works in the city and after a long 12 hour day, she likes go go spend a cpl hundred on clothes that don't fit her, but I gave up on that argument long ago. We do a lot of family stuff, but i will recognize not nearly enough 1 on1 time.

Before I was a stay at home dad, only I worked. we made a mutual decision when we had our first child 13 years ago that one of us would raise them. After about 5-6 years, she was miserable and we made the switch.

Hey I get the rn 12 hour shift thing being rough. Thats why I take care of just about all the housework, inside and out. The only reason she still does laundry is because my method is not up to her standards. But really she just does her and my daughters laundry, I do the rest. But yes, I can tell she is wore out, I remember when I was the bread winner, I worked 60-70 hours a week and droveabout 70-80 minutes to work each way. and back then I still did all the chores outside the house on the farm and also did the dishes as an extra way to help. 

we also take a family vacation for 10 days once a year on top of camping/boating/riding atvs just about evry other weekend.
she also takes a solo vaction once a year for 2 weeks with her work friends, usually to the beach somewhere.

My youngest will be in school all day in 2 years. we do not live in our school district so I have to take the kids and pick them up. But if I do the math on hours, I drop them off at 9 and back home at 9:30 leave to pick them up at 3:15. thats roughly 6 hours a day for 5 days = about 30 hours available. So we would have to find daycare options. I used to go work under the table for a good friend of mine on the days when my wife didn't work, but now that she is back in school, she is consumed by that and I have to take care of the kids everyday.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

1tired said:


> Will you marry me?  just kidding. you would not like being married to me, I consent to sex even less often than your wife, lol. But I am the breadwinner with a SAH husband, so I thought I'd answer from that perspective.
> 
> In our situation, I truly think my husband would feel more fulfilled and be happier, and subsequently our marriage would be happier, if he worked outside the home. He has a lot of friends and does some volunteer things, but it doesn't seem to be filling all of his needs. He looks to me to fill everything, and I'm just not up to it. I work 60+ hours a week (and he actually wants me to work more to increase our income) and I can't be his everything.
> 
> ...


I am totally fullfilled. never been happier! and when they call her in for double time pay, i tell her not to go. I would rather her be happy then work all the time. I know I am starting to sound like I do it all and I am so awesome and it makes me wonder if I am just making it to easy and I am just a doormat or something. However, i could not live like your husband is, I am to motivated to accomplish something. I coach my kids teams and help out at school programs. Maybe I am just too busy and not leaving enough time for her?


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Just a word of caution. Your wife's behavior does have some red flags. I will just mention them
> 
> The Coping with Infidelity section of this site has atleast 5-6 Stay at home husbands that were cheated upon their wives in the last couple of months. Maybe it is the societal structure that often makes a woman disrespect a man(subconsciously?) who stays at home even when it was the logical decision to stay at H. Your wife isn't any different(in that she does not have any respect for you)
> 
> ...


yes I have ruled it out. i was suspicious when she first started hanging with friends after work once a week, but I have checked all phone records, text and even locator on phone and she was always where she says and had pix of all her friends with her. so she would have to be really good at it and her friends would be in on it also.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> i cant speak for anyone but myself.. but the whole mr. mom thing is not attractive to me. yes.. all your efforts with kids and chores is admirable.. and i wish my own hubs would help me more.. but only to the extent of taking out the trash or loading the dish washer once in a while. i would probably resent my hubs too if he was hanging out all day...
> 
> my guess is she doesnt see the home business as real "work".. as a nurse on a 12 hour shift.. now that is work. standing, walking... listening to sick people all day.. i'm sure it's a drain both on her body and her brain... and while she says she's career oriented.. who doesnt want to stay at home and hang out all day? if you're making half of what she's making at home.. i cant help but think she may be a little jealous or at least envious of your lifestyle. i probably would be too.
> 
> ...


I think you are spot on, and that is why I am willing to give it up. The business is on our property, so it cannot be moved, that is the delima. And I agree she doesn't think its work. And we she said she would happier if I made less but had a real job, its obvious that its a jelousy thing. I feel like I am going to have to bear the burdon and just get outside the house and find some daycare and transportation for the kids.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> I'm with 3LeafClover- was this the longterm plan for her to be the primary breadwinner and you to be Mr Mom? Or did you just eventually figure out a ways o make it all good/work out for you. Do you save plenty of $$?
> 
> What happens if you would divorce? Could you maintain your lifestyle without her income?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


we were both very addiment about raising our own children, not put them daycare. That was the original plan. Now i think her mind has changed on this. to be honest, I am fine with going back to work. My problem is my hvac business is not gonna be what it was years ago, so i will basically be making the same I am now, but just paying more for child care and it will be more stress on her with having to pick up more resposibilities as I will be working 5 days a week and her 3.

If we were to divorce, we would have to sell the farm, so no i could not keep the life I have now.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

River1977 said:


> After reading this, I kept reading and looking for it......whatever IT was. After I finished reading, I couldn't help thinking something was off. Even though you focused on her and her resentment, the story still seemed fragmented because I didn't get the satisfaction I was looking for concerning this first clue. So, I read your post again.
> 
> And there it was............
> 
> ...


sorry, I know my side of the story much better than hers. I am not trying to decieve anyone. My sex life is the least of my worries right now.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> I do think personal happiness is important, which is why I suggested he discuss expanding his home business that already makes him happy, if possible. Or he could get a part-time job to add more to the family's income and still run his home business. He doesn't have to lose something so important to him.
> 
> But per the OP's own description of the distribution of work and assuming that running a household is a 40 hr/week job (for comparison's sake), he is working approximately 40-45 hours per week in ways that benefit the family, while she is working approximately 68 hours per week in ways that benefit the family. A 36 hour/week nursing job is actually more like 40 with overtime, continuing education requirements at work, etc.
> 
> I imagine that's the disparity that is bothering his wife. I also think she's probably brought this up before over the last 7 years and is just now getting to the breaking point about it.


this post has helped more than anything. Thank you so much.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> i'm not a stay at home mom. warlock... but i pull my own weight.. like i said.. every marriage has their own balance.. my hubs works more and i take care of the home. but we are BOTH ok with that.
> 
> you dont know what his business is... for all you know it doesnt require much "work" even if it's a lucrative business. if you worked 40 hrs a week and your SO worked half that for not doing much' would you feel cheated?


I am afraid if I say exactly what I do people that may know me will see this, but lets just say it is like cutting fire wood for 25 hours a week. we have 5-6 major events per year and when they happen, its bumped up to about 50 hours a week for 2-3 weeks.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

You shouldn't give up your home business for some crappy job that pays the same,if job was something like double in pay then you should consider it.
This seems like your wife is mad at you for being happy with your work while she hates her working 12 hours shifts and wants you to be miserable too.
I wouldn't do that for those reasons,do it only if you are in some debt and you really need money,just her hating that you have happier job then her is not good enough.

I think bigger problem is you probably becoming beta,you need to tell her that her being jealous of your happiness isn't gonna cut it and she better have *very good reason* as why you should give up your home business.
Maybe she is thinking you will be having much better income if you get a job?Maybe she doesn't like having people at your home all the time?

Another thing you said about you not leaving enough time for her,maybe that is the problem,from reading your posts I was thinking that you have lots of free time.
How much time are you spending on that home business/other things you do?Maybe she wants more time with you and its not jealousy thing but her hating not spending any time with her husband.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

NewM said:


> You shouldn't give up your home business for some crappy job that pays the same,if job was something like double in pay then you should consider it.
> This seems like your wife is mad at you for being happy with your work while she hates her working 12 hours shifts and wants you to be miserable too.
> I wouldn't do that for those reasons,do it only if you are in some debt and you really need money,just her hating that you have happier job then her is not good enough.
> 
> ...


when I ask her why she resents me, she just says she doesn't know why, then says maybe there is just something wrong with her or hormones. I do most of the talking and bring up alot of the points that I have touched on here and she agrees.
I do agree we need more alone time, but lately it feels like its going to turn into a fight. So I admit I may be putting up the block here and I am going to fix that. 

we are a lot different. My wife came from a broken family and was raised by an alcoholic mother. I had a picture perfect up bringing. Our jr year of highschool her mom became so bad that my parents took my wife(gf at the time) and her brother in our home for about 2 years until their mom got straightened out a little bit. they had their own room of course. So there is little bit of she is like my family before she was my wife. Just to give a little more history on the matter.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

DayDream said:


> "...the business is open to the public and very family oriented and very rewarding to the spirit."
> 
> Great...at whose expense and whose spirit?
> 
> ...


I am not sure how I use guilt. i asked her if she would be happier if i made less money but had a job outside the house? I never in a million years thought she would say yes? At that point I had no reply and removed myself from the conversation. I didn't say to her, so you would be happier if I was miserable. Although that is pretty much what I got from it. 
I will agree that I am very good at being a happy person, I take joy in the little things. I could be happy with nothing as long as had my family. When we talk she can't tell me what makes her happy? I just don't think she knows how. I big part of me thinks maybe she feels that she didn't get to play the field and explore her sexuality more since we have been together forever and a day. Although she will never admit because she is afraid of hurting my feelinds for the same reasons.

I stated several times, it was both of our decision to have one of us raise our kids. We are not in financial trouble. She will tell you right now she has no interest in staying home with the kids. 
I hate to play the "do you know what is like to raise 3 kids card" but dang, you do all the house work in and out on a 200 acre farm, raise 3 kids and everything that goes along with it and work on average of 25 hours a week, sometimes 50, and let me know how it goes. 

I want to do what we are doing because it is the best thing for our kids. However I am to the point that if I have any chance of saving this marriage it will require me to give that up and do as she likes. I can go back into the hvac business and drive 70 miles o work in the city making about what i do right now, and if the economy turns back around someday I may be back to the 60k+ mark. But my biggest concern is, she is already stressed with work and school and now she will have to take on a lot more responsibilty. You know I just feel like its a recipe for disaster, but atleast i will be back in the workplace and adapt better to a seperation. Hell maybe thats what she really wants and is why she is pushing for it.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

update;
we had a good talk last night and I told her I want to do everything possible to make our marriage better. including some couseling. She said she would go and I am scheduling a meeting for next week. It was very similar to a talk we had a cpl weeks ago, but this time she expressed her jealousy without me asking why. I don't want to complicate this further, but you know she hasn't went out with her friends after work for a cpl weeks and everything seems like its getting better. she is more talkative and reseptive. I hope that there hasn't been something going on after work with someone.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My 2 cents:

I don't think you should give up your happiness to make her happy. Especially if your efforts are benefiting the family as a whole, as opposed to negative actions. You ARE doing your share... and you are doing things that she isn't interested in doing (child care). I think you are certainly pulling your weight. 

I also think that if you were a SAHM, with the same circumstance, that more people here would tell you that you are more than doing your share and that you need to stand up to your spouse. I see the same bias that your wife is expressing. Granted, if that is how she sees it...then it's still going to be a problem. But, I think she really really needs to own that problem. (Which again, is what we'd tell a SAHM about her H) 

I hope counseling will help. It should. I also think you should make sure you SHOW your appreciation. Even if she isn't showing it much to you for all you do. Some one has to start the process. I think you can try to figure out what she needs from you (besides and before throwing the whole family into a negative/regressive mess). If you go back to work, you are in for a sh*t storm. Is she willing to pull her weight on half of ALL the chores and ALL the child care needs? THAT will make her happy? I doubt it. 

My vote: Preserve your happiness, appreciate her in ways that SHE needs, read the Love Languages book, get romance and fun back into your relationship with her (maybe that is what she needs?), and be her biggest cheerleader in finding what WILL make her happier and more content.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I imagine she's facing some of the same attitudes you've seen in this thread. People are judgmental and negative by nature. I'm not sure she hasn't been hearing, "What? You're working and your husband stays at home? What kind of man is he?" 

Add this to the fact that she is putting in more hours, and that you're telling her you're happy. As far as the "do you know how hard it is to take care of three children and a farm?" I can say yes, I do, and it's still very different. I'm a SAHM of a sort - teen stepdaughter at home, online writing, and a landlord for several properties - and it's not nearly the same thing. In my experience, there's less pressure and everything is more casual. You control your own priorities for the day and how they are scheduled to a large degree, unlike in a work environment. I can understand where jealousy can play a role in that even if she knows she would not enjoy the nature of the duties involved in staying at home. 

You said you've encouraged her not to work overtime and she still does. Does SHE think you have financial concerns, even though you say you're doing fine? When I have had periods where I felt unhappy, I often used material goods to try to avoid my feelings of unhappiness - shopping, travel, etc. Do you guys have a sufficient nest egg and are you regularly increasing savings and investments to ensure that your kids will have college funds, that you'll have retirement, etc.? Would this affect her perceptions of what is going on? Just brainstorming with you here.... trying to consider everything that might be affecting her. 

Finally, has she had her hormones checked? They really can wreck a person's outlook if they get out of whack.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I just want to add.... IF you were to give up what is working, and the "unintended consequences" make her life harder instead of bringing her joy and contentment.... I'm just thinking that THAT would be your fault too (in her eyes). I think that is a lose-lose situation. 

The ONLY win-win that I can see, is keep what is working....and bust your butt to help her find her happy place. 

See, I think ALOT of SAHM's know this. We work hard to make things go smoothly, to appreciate the "bread winner", to contribute financially, emotionally, physically, sexually, etc... and often, when it doesn't measure up for the other spouse... it's the SAHP's responsibility to shore things up, and fix whatever is perceived as not working.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is likely your wife has toxic friends, feeding her poison about you.

Next up: "Hey, working wife, why don't you cheat on your husband?"

And yes, this has happened numerous times to other Stay at home husbands.

You know what you think is happening. Now's the time to verify it, or find out what is really happening.

A VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and a keylogger are two good first starting points.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think one aspect of being a stay at home parent that is almost never considered when evaluating equity is the mental energy that it takes. Someone has to keep the schedule plane activity, keep everybody current with doctors visits perform crerical duties, keep the budget, plan vacations and many other little things. This removes the burden from the working spouse to concentrate on the career. 

Also, taking care of kids is not punctuated with two 10 min breaks and an hour to relax at lunch. So the 40 hers a week should subtract about 1.5 hers/ week for breaks and 5 hrs/ week for lunch. That makes 40hrs - 6.5 hrs = 34.5 hrs /wk 

Often there is no privacy to take a shower. The working spouse should try staying home for a week that would convince them that their spouse does not sit around all day looking at soaps. 

I don't think the labor contribution of the stay at home spouse is given as much value as it should. If the working spouse had to pay a housekeeper, nannie, secretary and sex partner they would pay a lot more that what is consumed by the stay at him spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> yes I have ruled it out. i was suspicious when she first started hanging with friends after work once a week, but I have checked all phone records, text and even locator on phone and she was always where she says and had pix of all her friends with her. _*so she would have to be really good at it and her friends would be in on it also*_.


And that scenario would be impossible because of, what exactly?

And she takes a separate two week holiday with them? That sounds a little odd to me. I like my workmates. But spending two weeks with them on holiday without my wife? Nope. I do not like them that much...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The forum is littered with stories whose spouse's friend knew and actively encouraged the affairs. In some of the cases, it was the friends that made them to hook up with other people in the first place.(usually the spouse bad mouths the partner, and the friends feel that what he/she is doing is justified and encourage it). Again I am not saying that she is cheating, just playing the devil's advocate


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It would be a big mistake to give up your business to get a job out of the house. First of all, it harms your kids. Second of all, your expenses will increase. Third of all, there is zero hope whatsoever that it will improve your marriage. Your wife is giving you one big **** test to see if she can control your actions by acting all pissy. She is trying to dominate you into doing something logically stupid so she can prove to herself that she can get angry upset, hysterical and cause you to act.

In a divorce you would do really well. If you have your head on straight, you would be able to prove with documentation that you are the primary care giver, and as such you could very well get primary custody, child support and possibly alimony.

You have to establish confidence in your position and your actions. First of all, don't call yourself a Stay at home Dad. You are a small business operator who has the great luxury of being able to care for your children.

What you should do is manage your wife's moods and thoughts and actions, since she is jealous of you and would allow her complete self centric jealousy to harm the children and yourself.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> The stay at home dad is a tough place to be. It is very beta behavior and you must have TONS of alpha traits to counter balance that. It is unnatural for a man to stay at home while a woman works. Our society may condone it, but what you are going through is usually the result. You guys are making 90K a year and you can't go out whenever you want? Do you have a lot of debt? Can that be why your W is upset that you are not bringing in more money. I am a single dad who makes 84K/year and I go out whenever I want and go on lots of vacations when I can take leave to do so. What gives?


It really depends on the cost of living as to whether that much money is enough. Out here in my area, $90k is enough to be comfy with a decent house and two kids, but that's it.

OTOH, if you are going out whenever you want and have to care for your kids on your own, I could ask what isn't getting done with a salary of $84k. Are you saving for retirement for instance?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Sounds like a perpetual "grass is greener" scenario.

I recall my ex would complain about how hard it was to be at home with the kids, but I did it and it was no big deal - house cleaned, kids happy, meals cooked.

Then she would complain about how hard it was working a standard 40-hour office job (15 minute commute), where I would work 45-50 hours with a long commute.

She will never be happy unless she figures out what is bother her internally and makes the necessary changes. You do what you know is best for yourself and your kids.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The difference here is that OP IS contributing financially to the family income, plus he is working the farm, plus taking care of home and children.... a bit different from regular SAHM's who lay around and eat bon-bons. (KIDDING!) Still.... he is contributing in every way. W is the one with a problem, which seems to be resentment...even tho she does not want to trade places.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> My 2 cents:
> 
> I also think you should make sure you SHOW your appreciation. Even if she isn't showing it much to you for all you do. Some one has to start the process. .


I have really made a big effort to do this in the past week and it is really paying off. Doors are opening that were never there. She is becoming happier and more conversive. Even through that bad time of the month.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I imagine she's facing some of the same attitudes you've seen in this thread. People are judgmental and negative by nature. I'm not sure she hasn't been hearing, "What? You're working and your husband stays at home? What kind of man is he?"
> 
> Add this to the fact that she is putting in more hours, and that you're telling her you're happy. As far as the "do you know how hard it is to take care of three children and a farm?" I can say yes, I do, and it's still very different. I'm a SAHM of a sort - teen stepdaughter at home, online writing, and a landlord for several properties - and it's not nearly the same thing. In my experience, there's less pressure and everything is more casual. You control your own priorities for the day and how they are scheduled to a large degree, unlike in a work environment. I can understand where jealousy can play a role in that even if she knows she would not enjoy the nature of the duties involved in staying at home.
> 
> ...


"do you know how hard it is to take care of three children and a farm?" this was directly towards the person that was implying I have free time. Which I have very little. Maybe an hour or 2 at the end of the day, maybe. But you are right. I schedule my day and enjoy the challenge. I have been self employed since I was 22, so I do not have a very good grasp on not being the boss. 

Do you guys have a sufficient nest egg and are you regularly increasing savings and investments to ensure that your kids will have college funds, that you'll have retirement, etc.? Would this affect her perceptions of what is going on?

yes, we have enough money in the bank to pay our bills for 6 months if something were to happen. The kids all have their own saving accounts for college. Retirement we my be lax on.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And that scenario would be impossible because of, what exactly?
> 
> And she takes a separate two week holiday with them? That sounds a little odd to me. I like my workmates. But spending two weeks with them on holiday without my wife? Nope. I do not like them that much...


she only has work friends. this is where we are very different. I have tons of friends from when I was young. she never hangs with her old friends. she only has work friends. I should mention that I take a vacation every year with my friends also even though I also tak my oldest son. and we take a family vacation as well. I push her need to hang with friends, to relax. Because I know that it resets my stress levels.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think the person that stated the "grass is greener" scenario above had it spot on. 

If I had to guess (based on experiences with my wife), I'm willing to bet deep down she's not really mad at you and what you do. This is not the typical story on here where "Our family is broker and my (insert STAHW or STAHH) is worthless and lazy and needs to get a job" kind of story.

I would bet she working hard and stressed out. Everyone agrees, nursing is some hard-ass work. What my guess would be (from my own experiences) is that she is not loving her situation right now, especially when she comes home and sees you are happy, and she projects her dislike on you. 

I'm thinking you aren't the one that really needs to look at the change. Maybe she needs to see if there is something else there that would make her happy, be less stressful. Then if some money concessions need to be made, then maybe you might have to compromise to pick up the slack.

I find it odd that everyone is saying the one that is happy is the one that needs to make the change. Maybe the one who ISN'T happy should be looking to try to change a few things.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I find it odd that everyone is saying the one that is happy is the one that needs to make the change. Maybe the one who ISN'T happy should be looking to try to change a few things.
*

This is true... BUT, I look at it like this. If my life is going along great and I have no complaints, but I notice that my H is bummed about work, or money, or whatever.... I try to do what I can to help him. 

But I wouldn't overthrow the whole family dynamic that is working for us, I'd help him in any way I can to encourage/support him in getting to his own happy place!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife's attitude is, in my opinion, completely unreasonable.

You do NOT operate a home business. At least, not in the usual sense of that word. You are also not, really, a stay at home dad.

You live on a farm and you operate what is, essentially, a farm business.

WELL... DUH!!!! Where else would a farm-based business operate from?

Apparently your wife has problems. Are they really her problems, or problems foisted on her by stupid work colleagues?

As in:-

_"Is your damn husband still playing at being a farmer? I'd tell that lazy good for nothing to get a real job, damn straight I would!"_

Farming is a real job. as real and, at times, as demanding as nursing.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Matt nailed it. I read over your posts and I find it hard to believe you are able to do so much. 

Your wife obviously has not taken a full account of your contribution in favor of her own. More importantly have you given yourself adequate credit? What we have here is a failure on the part of your wife to respect you. I am not sure how you would go about regaining it. 

I think it starts with you having self-confidence and self respect. Society does not support a father who stays home although we give it lip service. She may be influenced by this bias and so are you I think. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Matt nailed it. I read over your posts and I find it hard to believe you are able to do so much.
> 
> Your wife obviously has not taken a full account of your contribution in favor of her own. More importantly have you given yourself adequate credit?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not think SAHD does give himself enough credit.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

I want everyone to be happy, sometimes I expect it because I think we have the perfect life. I am realizing that I have been putting myself first alot because I feel like no matter what I do/did, I cannot make her happy. Since I made the decision that I am going to do everything in my power to make this work, I have been putting her first and really paying attention to her needs. Before I always felt like the more I tried, the more we ended up shutting down. Maybe I never really came clean about my own resentment even to myself. Maybe blaming her for making me feel like crap. Well recently I just did a complete reset of my feelings. I have let go of the resentment and I am connecting with here. Listening better. Talking about the little things. Making her feel more appreciated after work is the key I have found. Showing her I not only appreciate what she does, but that I understand the toll it must take on her to be away from the family.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

in my opinion you need to leave

she has checked out mentally and it shows in your post she wont come back and wants another life. You also seem to want another life i think you could be happier.

best of luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> in my opinion you need to leave
> 
> she has checked out mentally and it shows in your post she wont come back and wants another life. You also seem to want another life i think you could be happier.
> 
> best of luck


No. You should not leave. Wife wants out? SHE leaves. And the kids stay.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Do not leave!!!

Something to consider. In my year and a half at this website, one thing has become very clear to me about relationships that have trouble after umteen years. It is the possibility of the Mid Life Crisis which makes one spouse look at the other without respect or clarity.

The fog of unhappiness makes them target their bad period on the person in the line of sight. The spouse!

From what I read you are have been doing a great job in the family and you are getting treated just the opposite of what you should. This makes me think she is going through a MLC fog. 

Read up on it if you think it could be.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

This is me said:


> Do not leave!!!
> 
> Something to consider. In my year and a half at this website, one thing has become very clear to me about relationships that have trouble after umteen years. It is the possibility of the Mid Life Crisis which makes one spouse look at the other without respect or clarity.
> 
> ...


I am not leaving anyone. My kids are my life. If she decides to leave, so be it. I am here for the long haul.

I will check into the MLC? But I would rather be here for her to talk to when she wants, but I think counseling is the key for her to get that figured out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Matt nailed it. I read over your posts and I find it hard to believe you are able to do so much.
> 
> Your wife obviously has not taken a full account of your contribution in favor of her own. More importantly have you given yourself adequate credit? What we have here is a failure on the part of your wife to respect you. I am not sure how you would go about regaining it.
> 
> ...


I agree he is not giving himself enough credit. Regaining respect from his wife starts with him telling her that he is ensuring the best possible upbringing for their children. At the same time he is building and maintaining a business that generates good cash flow (income and write-offs) and is _building equity_.

That means he has built something having value regardless of his involvement in it; he could choose to hire help and still make money, or at retirement he can sell a business with assets and profit.

After that, if she still acts up, he needs to detach and take care of himself and the kids. He should be willing to engage her and help her resolve this issue when she acknowledges his worth. But lack of respect and condescension is an absolute dealbreaker 100% of the time. If she wants to be b!tchy and cranky, let her do it alone or marginalized. A few nights over time where she sits mad in an empty house or others are getting along fine without her will tighten her sh!t up real quick.

My standard caution in situations like this is that respect does not equal love or a workable marriage. Regaining respect is merely the first step towards working things out. She could treat you with respect but decide now or in the future that the work involved in being in this family is not worth it for her. So, if keeping the family together is the top goal then this approach is not for you. But if you don't regain that respect nothing will change, so IMO the significant risk inherent in this approach is worthwhile given how unhappy you are.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

DTO said:


> I agree he is not giving himself enough credit. Regaining respect from his wife starts with him telling her that he is ensuring the best possible upbringing for their children. At the same time he is building and maintaining a business that generates good cash flow (income and write-offs) and is _building equity_.
> 
> That means he has built something having value regardless of his involvement in it; he could choose to hire help and still make money, or when they retire he can sell a business with assets and proven profits when they decide to retire.
> 
> ...


this is the vicious circle of thought that runs through my mind on repeat. Also where a lot of my resentment grows when I execute it halfass. And I am figuring out that this combined with low sex drive and the circle of resentment, nothing ever gets truly worked on. Like I talk about what I think she thinks is wrong with the relationship and get her on my side then just shift back into busy busy mode and forget to connect with her. I just expect her to respect me and forget to connect with her and give her the support she needs/ deserves from a husband. Alot of the things some of the women have directed towards me sounded just like my wife and it pissed me off in the beginning, then it kind of got through finally. Number one is I gave up on making her love me and just figured out how to be happy without her love and respect as it seems un-obtainable. I had to own that, which I think I do now. I just have to keep reminding myself its hard work sometimes and its most important to put her back into the same place I keep my kids. If we have disagreements, so be it, but I still love her to much to hold that stuff in anymore. Communicate, don't shut down and resent. Listen, don't just cut to the end of the story because I am to busy. The little things are what its about. IF I can keep these things in the forefront of my mind and she still cannot be happy here, then at that point I will know that I have tried everything. One great thing that has come out of our last few talks is that we agree I am doing to much to ever consider growing the business or a part time job, so I am handing over a lot of the workload. Very slowly though, because I worry it will backfire.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

so, I am stepping up my game. Sunday is our 17 year wedding anniversary. She is completely in the dark about this, but I am just telling her to pack a bag and get in the car. Drop off the kids at my sisters and heading to the city. Getting a hotel room and taking her to see kenny chesney and tim mcgraw. Although we share a great taste in music, I have a hard time with new country, so this something i wouldn't normally do. EVER! Just another step in putting her first. Also first cousleing session is today. Wish me/us luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Best of luck! 

Please keep in mind not all counsellors are a good match for every couple. If I were you, I would make the agreement with her that if either of you is unhappy with the MC that you look for another till you find the right one. Your marriage is worth it!


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

thanks, that makes sense and since this will be our first time, I never thought about it. It is a male MC, which I think I would prefer, but she may not.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

stay at home dad said:


> "do you know how hard it is to take care of three children and a farm?" this was directly towards the person that was implying I have free time. Which I have very little. *Maybe an hour or 2 at the end of the day*, maybe. But you are right. I schedule my day and enjoy the challenge. I have been self employed since I was 22, so I do not have a very good grasp on not being the boss.
> 
> Do you guys have a sufficient nest egg and are you regularly increasing savings and investments to ensure that your kids will have college funds, that you'll have retirement, etc.? Would this affect her perceptions of what is going on?
> 
> yes, we have enough money in the bank to pay our bills for 6 months if something were to happen. The kids all have their own saving accounts for college. Retirement we my be lax on.


This might be the problem,maybe she is resentful of you not spending much time with her and thinks you will have more time if you get a job outside the house.


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Your post reminds me a little of our marriage. I married young, and my husband is my only sexual partner. We've been married for almost 13 years. I am also a RN who used to work 3 12 hour shifts. Let me tell you that unless you work as a bedside nurse, you have no idea how stressful and emotionally draining it is. I was the breadwinner in our relationship. My husband worked a part time minimum wage job. We have no kids. So he has a lot more free time than me. Was there some resentment? Sure. All the spouses of my coworkers worked and earned a decent income. Many of my coworkers work considerably less hours because their family have two decent incomes so that they didn't go insane working too many hours. I wished that my husband would contribute more financially so that I was able to work less. (Our life recently had a major change, but I won't get into that here.) Regardless, my point is I know a little of where your wife is coming from.

Your wife is most likely very stressed from her job. She may feel resentment towards you for living a less stressful and happier life while she's working long hours doing an emotional stressful job. With this resentment, comes a lack of respect for you and less attraction towards you. Hence your lack of sex life. If she feels this way, you have to be careful. She may have wondering eyes and feel that the grass must be greener on the other side. Between this thread and your other thread, if an affair has not already happened, it may be possible in the future. 

I'm sorry I do not have any great advice for you. I understand where your wife is coming from. I wonder if you can increase your income so that she can work less or work in a less stressful environment.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

Moiraine said:


> Your post reminds me a little of our marriage. I married young, and my husband is my only sexual partner. We've been married for almost 13 years. I am also a RN who used to work 3 12 hour shifts. Let me tell you that unless you work as a bedside nurse, you have no idea how stressful and emotionally draining it is. I was the breadwinner in our relationship. My husband worked a part time minimum wage job. We have no kids. So he has a lot more free time than me. Was there some resentment? Sure. All the spouses of my coworkers worked and earned a decent income. Many of my coworkers work considerably less hours because their family have two decent incomes so that they didn't go insane working too many hours. I wished that my husband would contribute more financially so that I was able to work less. (Our life recently had a major change, but I won't get into that here.) Regardless, my point is I know a little of where your wife is coming from.
> 
> Your wife is most likely very stressed from her job. She may feel resentment towards you for living a less stressful and happier life while she's working long hours doing an emotional stressful job. With this resentment, comes a lack of respect for you and less attraction towards you. Hence your lack of sex life. If she feels this way, you have to be careful. She may have wondering eyes and feel that the grass must be greener on the other side. Between this thread and your other thread, if an affair has not already happened, it may be possible in the future.
> 
> I'm sorry I do not have any great advice for you. I understand where your wife is coming from. I wonder if you can increase your income so that she can work less or work in a less stressful environment.


thank you. she actually likes her job. I am sure she feels somewhat trapped because she has to keep it for insurance reasons. I am working on a way to make some more income, but as stated, we are in great financial shape. She has definatley increased her stress load with schooling non-stop. It seriously is like she doesn't have to work today, but she spends all day on school work. There is no break for her at all. That is why I have been going over board trying to help in every way. But i was getting nothing in return but miserable wife. The resentment started building in me like a vulcano. this website got me to finally have a real discussion about 3 weeks ago. Then i didn't stick with it like I should. Things started to go back to the way the were, then I sat her down again and this time armed with better tools to not just do things for her, but be in the moment and a part of her. This is my number one failing. This changed everything. She is showing signs of being happy again. I am going to move forward now and not worry about what might have happened with an EA and work on us now. The rest can wait.
I appreciate you sharing your story.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

But...if he has to devote more time to raising his share of the income, then he has less time to devote to children, home and farm duties. Soooooo.... wouldn't that UP her stress level to have to participate more and DO more than she is now? Seems like he is making it as easy on her as possible, picking up her slack.... even tho she IS working hard, he is covering her share of the non-income work.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> But...if he has to devote more time to raising his share of the income, then he has less time to devote to children, home and farm duties. Soooooo.... wouldn't that UP her stress level to have to participate more and DO more than she is now? Seems like he is making it as easy on her as possible, picking up her slack.... even tho she IS working hard, he is covering her share of the non-income work.


we are going to look for the MC's advice on this, but as i stated in an earlier post, she wants to take back some chores as she feels she needs to. But again this conflicts with my new belief that she doesn't know what she wants, so i am going to ask her to leave this up in the air until we see the MC in a bit. I am feeling more and more like she is just so stressed that she makes these decisions because she wants to have some "say so" but really she doesn't look at the whole picture. I am going to take the roll of implementing these ideas myself more, as I have a clearer picture of what may come of "said" decisions.
Looking back a few years, I remember when we had a big argument over me always being right, which i will admit, I am usually right but at that point is when she wanted more of the reigns in decision making, and i went along. I even let her take over bills and savings. But she quickly gave them back and I think felt like she failed. And when she decided she didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore, i think she might have felt the same. So I guess maybe i need to put my foot down and just not let her set up for failure when what we are doing is working. Kind of like now with me being a home business operated with the ability to care for my kids!
that was a ramble....sorry


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, it's MOSTLY working. On the surface it's working....and it's certainly working for you and the kids. And even her, even if she doesn't see it. 

BUT, if one person in the marriage isn't satisfied, then SOMETHING isn't working. So maybe, even tho things are running smoothly... maybe it's the opposite of the "male ego" thing. MAYBE she doesn't feel needed, or necessary, or mommy-ish?? 

Seems like you've GOT to let her take on some responsibility if she requests it. You can't just outvote her and be the final say on HER life. Just like you don't want her to do that to you. But I wouldn't give up something that you don't think she can handle right now. I get that you are trying to "protect" the status quo. But maybe she is in a place where she feels she HAS to shake up the status quo. I'd "give" her things like more cooking, or grocery shopping, or things that contribute (motherly) to the well-being of the family. 

It's kind of like that old generalization where the man retires after years of ignoring household duties, then the wife thinks he is just in the way. MAYBE that is how she feels. 

I just think you can still successfully run the house, etc... without shutting her out. Maybe she NEEDS to feel wanted and necessary.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> But...if he has to devote more time to raising his share of the income, then he has less time to devote to children, home and farm duties. Soooooo.... wouldn't that UP her stress level to have to participate more and DO more than she is now? Seems like he is making it as easy on her as possible, picking up her slack.... even tho she IS working hard, he is covering her share of the non-income work.


Absolutely, and that does not even mention the possibility that her happiness is internal and the OP doing something different is not going to make a difference.


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## stay at home dad (Jun 23, 2012)

so we went to counseling yesterday and wow. She was more open than I could ever imagine. Long story short. I was not put her first on a mental level. She acknowledged that she has already seen the change in me in the last few weeks. She just didn't want to believe it. Like she didn't want let down again. I aready had notes to show the MC about how this will be changed with me and he assured hew that has never happened in his 10 years of counseling. Where the other spouse already admitied and outlined how to fix the issue. This is the first time ever that I really think she stated exactly what was bothering her. I mean there are other little things for sure. But even me putting the kids ahead of her, needs to be me including her in the same manner. its a work in progress, but I have never felt better about this. Next session is working on boundaries, needs and expectations. Thanks for all the help.


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