# Confused...but am I unreasonable?



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

My hubs is 47, I'm 40. Been together 3+ yrs, married 2. My 2nd marriage, his first. Known him since I was 9, he was 17 (from same town). 

I'm definitely at my sexual peak. Since his diagnosis with diabetes and high blood pressure almost 3 years ago, his libido has nosedived. We've seen two physicians about it, had his Testosterone tested twice (very low end of normal, so insurance won't pay for supplements). Docs both say the health issues and meds to treat them can cause decreased libido - not much we can do about either.

My concerns for 2+ years: we only have sex when he wants - he rarely does anything to help meet my needs unless he is horny. I'd be happy with 3x/week. He's more of a 1x every week or two kind of guy. He doesn't like to kiss so I get a real kiss (not just a peck) every couple weeks maybe. He has performed oral on me maybe 6-7 times in 3 years (he doesn't like it much & says he's not good at it. This is true but I'm a very willing teacher!) I love to give BJs - he only accepts one every 2-3 months. I have asked him to watch porn with me numerous times, thinking it would get him horny. He doesn't want to and so we haven't watched one for probably almost 2 years. 

A couple nights ago I found that over the past few months he has bought porn on PPV six different times when I was at work. He admitted to renting two when he was horny and I wasn't around....but then I looked at the history and found it's been 6 porns total. I am more than OK with porn - obviously, since I ask him to watch it with me. However, I'm not OK with being sexually frustrated, feeling unwanted, then finding out he's masturbating to porn when he knows I'm always ready and willing.

Aside from sex, he is a wonderful man, stepdad, and works hard. He will do anything for anyone and my family and friends love his personality and he obviously loves me and my kids.

So my question is: Did I have the right to be hurt by finding out he's paid for porn to masturbate to while he knows I'm sexually frustrated? And why would he use that instead of having sex with me? I'm a healthy weight, have a good sense of humor, easygoing, and very much open to trying anything sexual he would want. 

Thanks for your thoughts.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well, whether it is due to his diagnosis or not, you don't really know since you say his diagnosis came 3 years ago and you have also been together for 3 years. He might just be not that sexual and probably never was. Not wanting to give oral is a clue for that.

As for the porn and MB...many people who are not that sexual will choose to MB over having sex. Sex requires effort, risk, intimacy. MB requires none of those. For a person with a lower sex drive, getting off easily will sometimes be more enticing than partnered sex.

You need to talk with him about it, but don't expect him to be all that concerned about it. You may have to ask him to just make an agreement with you for first right of refusal before MB'ing.

Did this relationship start as an affair? I am just curious.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

He might be watching porn more than you know. You've discovered him watching PPV, but he might also be watching over the internet, and overall, watching porn a lot. If so, that would explain not being eager to have sex with you. You should take a look at his computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

No, this relationship did NOT start as an affair. My first marriage of 17 years ended due my then-husband's affair, so NO, we did not have an affair.

Further clarification: he was always a VERY sexual man. He readily admits he would masturbate at least once a day when he was single. In his teens until early 30s, he was with many, many women sexually. Few were actual relationships; majority were one night stands. That behavior slowed to just a handful from mid 30s until we started dating 3 years ago, when he was 44. 

The first few months of dating, before his medical diagnoses, he was horny most days of the week. It seriously dropped off dramatically with his high blood pressure & Diabetes diagnoses/meds, which was about 7 months into our relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

moonpie said:


> My hubs is 47, I'm 40. Been together 3+ yrs, married 2. My 2nd marriage, his first. Known him since I was 9, he was 17 (from same town).
> 
> I'm definitely at my sexual peak. Since his diagnosis with diabetes and high blood pressure almost 3 years ago, his libido has nosedived. We've seen two physicians about it, had his Testosterone tested twice (very low end of normal, so insurance won't pay for supplements). Docs both say the health issues and meds to treat them can cause decreased libido - not much we can do about either.
> 
> ...


Priorities. Priorities. Priorities. I get that insurance will not pay. But this does not mean you cannot buy this anyway. Prioroties. How important is this to you. Also if you do your research you will find you can get the T for a lower cost.

Do it.

A useable erection is way better than a Corvette.

The things is that the T is essential for his health as well. It has value beyond just sex. If he combines the T with a healthy diet, proper sleep and rest along with lifting heavy weights you both with be much happier. He for sure will be much healthier and more sexually active with you. It sounds like this has been happening to him over time.

So again, do this without the insurance. Priorities. What is more important? Cable?

I will tell you that the folks on here so far mean well but I know what I am talking about.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Moonpie, I am sorry about the affair question, especially due to how your marriage ended. 

Please let me take it back with good will! 

But as for him being a very sexual man...the behavior you described doesn't read very sexual necessarily. A lot of MB'ing and a lot of ONS, then a few partners. ONS's don't actually allow a high amount of exploration and adaptation...things that highly sexual people want a lot of. The oral thing is still the biggest clue on that, he actually told you he is inexperienced at it...and highly sexual people will strive to gain experience in areas like that. Such as yourself.

I am sure the meds are a big part of the picture. But again, I feel a LD vibe on him from what you are describing. Lack of kissing, lack of interest in other types of affection or in getting you off if he isn't in the mood.

If he isn't complaining about any lack or wanting to improve things, that is your other clue that he is fine the way things are and therefore, likely LD. Some LD people do MB a lot and may even have had a high number of partners.


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

I'm a nurse so know the benefits of higher levels of testosterone outside of the sexual realm. I also talked with 2 separate pharmacies about the cost for Testosterone out of pocket: it's $400+ per month at minimum dosage. With 3 kids, two houses to pay for currently, that's a lot of additional money to come up with. It's just not feasible financially right now. NOT because it isn't a priority, but having electricity and food IS.

I've looked online at several websites offering supplements. I'm very skeptical as to what's in them and how it might further affect his blood pressure and blood sugar. I feel much safer having an actual testosterone prescription from a physician that can be filled by a pharmacist - not something I order online from China that has who-knows-what in it. 

If you have a reputable site that offers the real stuff at a significant discount, I'm all ears.


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Moonpie, I am sorry about the affair question, especially due to how your marriage ended.
> 
> Please let me take it back with good will!
> 
> ...


No need for apologies - no offense taken. 
I've never thought about him possibly having always been LD, despite his numerous sexual partners, daily MB, etc. That seems, from the outset, like a very HD person to me. Now you've got me thinking....

I have thought that he has more issues with intimacy than anything else. We've discussed MC, he's more than willing....maybe I should bring that up again and see if that helps?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

moonpie said:


> I'm a nurse so know the benefits of higher levels of testosterone outside of the sexual realm. I also talked with 2 separate pharmacies about the cost for Testosterone out of pocket: it's $400+ per month at minimum dosage. With 3 kids, two houses to pay for currently, that's a lot of additional money to come up with. It's just not feasible financially right now. NOT because it isn't a priority, but having electricity and food IS.
> 
> I've looked online at several websites offering supplements. I'm very skeptical as to what's in them and how it might further affect his blood pressure and blood sugar. I feel much safer having an actual testosterone prescription from a physician that can be filled by a pharmacist - not something I order online from China that has who-knows-what in it.
> 
> If you have a reputable site that offers the real stuff at a significant discount, I'm all ears.


I'll let you know. Right now my insurance covers this but it will not in January. 

My wife has her meds as well that will not be covered in January. 

You have to make choices. Indeed food is required.

Frankly, I would order from China if I were you. But it is about choices.

You still have three children at home? And you have two homes? I am not about to try and give you financial advice. How could I on an internet forum.  BUT, you need to decide what your priorities are. He needs this for his health as well as to protect your marriage. 

How old are your children? Why are there two homes?

Trust me I understand. I have a second home I wish to unload. Long story. Consider renting out one of the homes or selling. My point is really not about financial advice but rather in priorities. 

He needs to get lifting if he is not as yet that is for sure.

Now onto your original question. The sad thing is that while his low T hurts his performance with you, he still needs the release. He also needs the emotional connection of intimacy with you. I will not argue porn with anyone here because it is not worth the effort. His low T at the least means he is not ready to go when you are. He is going to need a lot more foreplay and he may even lose his erection in the middle. Using porn with manual stimualtion probably is a way he can get his physical release. Again I am trying to explain. He probably feels like less of a man to you. So he takes the easy way out. Now if he is paying for cyber sex then this is cheating. But why in the world would he pay for porn? That is stupid. 

Anyway, I think you guys should talk about this. But realize that he knows you are at your sexual peak. He knows you know this. He knows he cannot take care of business. So he is in a spiral downward. He also has to live with the fact that he does not make enough money to pay for the medication he needs to be more healthy and to have a satisfying sex life with you. So you can choose to be upset with him if you like. But be careful. He may just decide that none of this is worth going through at all. You can certainly hold your self respect and be firm with your boundaries. Do that. But you better be up for being compassionate too if you love this man. Priorities again.


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

My kids are 19, 18, 13. The 19 year old will be moving out within a few months. My 18 year old will graduate HS in May and live here 2 more years while attending a local college. 

We have two homes because we each kept our own homes from before the marriage. I have been working 3 nights a week in the city where he lives, then drive back home (2 hours away) to spend the remaining 4 nights at my house with my kids. (I share equal custody with their dad.) His work requires that he lives within 30miles of his job - so he has to at least keep that home for use of the address. We have a possible renter for his home, but this person won't need it until June. Therefore, we will be stuck paying 2 house payments/utilities for at least 7 more months. Our goal is to sell his house as soon as the market makes it feasible to do so. In the area his house is located, there are about 5 other homes for sale within 1/2 mile of his....and they're not selling. Or they sell for way under market value &/or what is owed on them. This is NOT an option financially.

As a healthcare professional, I'm very leary about ordering pharmaceuticals from overseas, from unknown manufacturers. IF I knew they were the real deal and completely safe, I'd do it. But as of now, I can't find anything that guarantees that what I order is what I will actually get.

Let me re-clarify: I am completely open to using porn & have asked to do so many times. He knows this and yet still chose to do it behind my back, knowing I'm already unsatisfied and would do about anything to help him (& us) be better sexually. I completely understand the occasional desire to just get off, for the physical release only. However, this obviously isn't my only issue with the situation at hand (no pun intended, lol). 

We have one laptop that the family shares. We also share 3 bank accounts that I can easily see what's charged - nothing out of the ordinary, ever, and I check the accounts often. He has one credit card that I also have access to (for making payments on it), and same thing - nothing charged to it either. So I believe his porn watching is what I found from the PPV and probably some of the several DVDs he already owned before we started dating. I don't see or suspect any cyber sex whatsoever.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

moonpie said:


> No need for apologies - no offense taken.
> I've never thought about him possibly having always been LD, despite his numerous sexual partners, daily MB, etc. That seems, from the outset, like a very HD person to me. Now you've got me thinking....
> 
> I have thought that he has more issues with intimacy than anything else. We've discussed MC, he's more than willing....maybe I should bring that up again and see if that helps?


Daily masturbation my indicate an unhealthy porn habit. It does not have to though but very possible.

I think you may be onto something with the intimacy problem. 

What is hsi T level now? Below 500 I am guessing. Below 250?


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Entropy, his two T level tests, about a year apart, were both in the low 200s. If I recall, his last one a few months ago was 212 - the lab values for normal cut off at 210 so he barely made it in the normal range. And the physician insisted it be drawn at 8am, when T levels peak, so it's obviously lower throughout the rest of the day/night. 

His daily MB was a few years ago, when he was single, and before his diabetes/hypertension diagnoses. He readily admits that he doesn't have much desire for that anymore either.

I would like to add that I am very, very patient with his low drive. I talk to him about it calmly when the topic comes up, throw out ideas for compromise, reassure him often that I find him attractive (despite him being overweight), that I love him and want him in all ways. He is very secure in his masculinity (6'6", 280lb, police officer) and has very high self-esteem...but not an ego at all. He is truly one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. People just honestly like him a lot. So I don't see any change in how he views himself or his maleness through all of this. He is frustrated, of course, at his lack of libido and the drastic change from a couple years ago, but he is poor at helping me meet my sexual needs.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

moonpie said:


> Entropy, his two T level tests, about a year apart, were both in the low 200s. If I recall, his last one a few months ago was 212 - the lab values for normal cut off at 210 so he barely made it in the normal range. And the physician insisted it be drawn at 8am, when T levels peak, so it's obviously lower throughout the rest of the day/night.
> 
> His daily MB was a few years ago, when he was single, and before his diabetes/hypertension diagnoses. He readily admits that he doesn't have much desire for that anymore either.
> 
> I would like to add that I am very, very patient with his low drive. I talk to him about it calmly when the topic comes up, throw out ideas for compromise, reassure him often that I find him attractive (despite him being overweight), that I love him and want him in all ways. He is very secure in his masculinity (6'6", 280lb, police officer) and has very high self-esteem...but not an ego at all. He is truly one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. People just honestly like him a lot. So I don't see any change in how he views himself or his maleness through all of this. He is frustrated, of course, at his lack of libido and the drastic change from a couple years ago, but he is poor at helping me meet my sexual needs.


Yes. Those are VERY low indeed. Not healthy as you know. This contributes to his physical problems. I do hope he is lifting. That will help some but will not be THE solution alone. He needs this to be over 500 and for sure over 400 IMO.

If he was my brother and had shared this with me I would encourage him to do what ever he can to meet your needs. I realize that ultimately you need him to be able to have PIV sex with you and to show his desire. He should do what he can orally for sure. But he needs his T levels raised for sure. You might try using some sex toys for a while, if you are not. You might even try using a strong vibrator on him as foreplay. 

I will take your word that his self esteem is high but consider that this may just be a facade or that over time this may erode. I feel for the both of you. I really do. I suspect this is more common than many would know. I even think that some of the guys who come here complaining about their wives may have low T and that they are part of or the major problem.


----------



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

He used to lift regularly, but hasn't for some time. I will mention that to him. He is losing weight slowly, so hopefully that will help as well. We have toys and I use one regularly for climax, so he's not opposed to that at all. 

I appreciate your advice. It's an issue I'm sure we can overcome, I'm just not sure the best route to get there.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

moonpie said:


> My hubs is 47, I'm 40. Been together 3+ yrs, married 2. My 2nd marriage, his first. Known him since I was 9, he was 17 (from same town).
> 
> I'm definitely at my sexual peak. Since his diagnosis with diabetes and high blood pressure almost 3 years ago, his libido has nosedived. We've seen two physicians about it, had his Testosterone tested twice (very low end of normal, so insurance won't pay for supplements). Docs both say the health issues and meds to treat them can cause decreased libido - not much we can do about either.
> 
> ...


What works for me, take 10g arginine powder with water on an empty stomach just before bed. This will raise his HGH levels and usually wake up hard and in the mood. His dreams should also be very real to him and remember everything.

I also take a natural test booster and this also works. My dreams are very realistic, with color and I can remember the numbers and words as well. I can read in my dreams like I am awake and remember what I read. It's cool.

Weight training will get his blood pumping, burning calories and fat and building muscle which will burn more calories and fat.

Having a zero sugar diet also helps. Just drink water for all his drinks. Sugar majorly spikes insulin which leads to fat storage.

Also, try eating non red meat protein sources and gluten free pasta, breads and cereals and no pasteurized dairy products either. The weight will come off fast and stay off.

He can also just use a vib on you and give you oral until you orgasm instead of PIV sex. Until his libido increases and endurance goes up.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

moonpie said:


> Let me re-clarify: I am completely open to using porn & have asked to do so many times. He knows this and yet still chose to do it behind my back, knowing I'm already unsatisfied and would do about anything to help him (& us) be better sexually. I completely understand the occasional desire to just get off, for the physical release only. However, this obviously isn't my only issue with the situation at hand



You say he used PPV porn but what type of porn? That makes a big difference. If it was gay porn, bdsm, fetish, etc, he might be too embarrassed or ashamed to share that kind of fantasy with you.


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I see two separate issues here.... both touched on. 

one, is the fact that he was single up to the age he was. that is a red flag and I'd definitely pursue your thoughts of intimacy issues. that obviously is far from normal.

the second is that high BP and diabetes are GENERALLY lifestyle diseases.... if so in his case, HE will have to decide to get back into healthy physical shape. 

I think I'd be checking out supplements as well, I've heard a few good reports of macca root, and horny goat weed. I'm not much on witchdoctoring either, but the herbs could help.

bottom line to me though, seems he's fine with it, which says he's not very sexual. a sexual person would be exhausting all avenues to find a solution, not just content with how things are. if 'twere me, I'd either have a renter in that second house sooner, or let it default if it didn't sell. no way I'd settle for my libido being gone, sex with my wife is way too important for me.


----------



## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Have you tried bioidentical T from a compounding pharmacy? When my ex was taking it, it was less than $50 a month and our insurance didn't cover it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

moonpie said:


> A couple nights ago I found that over the past few months he has bought porn on PPV six different times when I was at work. He admitted to renting two when he was horny and I wasn't around....but then I looked at the history and found it's been 6 porns total. I am more than OK with porn - obviously, since I ask him to watch it with me. However, I'm not OK with being sexually frustrated, feeling unwanted, then finding out he's masturbating to porn when he knows I'm always ready and willing.
> 
> Aside from sex, he is a wonderful man, stepdad, and works hard. He will do anything for anyone and my family and friends love his personality and he obviously loves me and my kids.
> 
> So my question is: *Did I have the right to be hurt by finding out he's paid for porn to masturbate to while he knows I'm sexually frustrated? And why would he use that instead of having sex with me? I'm a healthy weight, have a good sense of humor, easygoing, and very much open to trying anything sexual he would want. *


You are *not* unreasonable at all here... if your libido is higher than his, a good husband would be saving every release for his wanting desirous wife.. his jacking it at home when a hungry woman is soon to be walking through the door...in the mood for some lovin'....while he wants to play "Oh sorry honey, I'm just not up for it tonight"...I see that as completely uncaring, selfish and very very hurtful....detrimental to your marital intimacy....and if not curbed, your resentment and frustration will go through the roof.

A woman's Prime sexually is a very powerful thing, I've been there.. I was more emotional to HIS desire during that phase as well.. a husband really needs to understand this.. and do all he can to satisfy his wife...and with his health issues...this adds another monkey wrench in there.. His Test is TOO low.. .other Doctors would give him Treatment at those levels..

Here is a thread that talks about symptoms , etc...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html


----------



## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are *not* unreasonable at all here... if your libido is higher than his, a good husband would be saving every release for his wanting desirous wife.. his jacking it at home when a hungry woman is soon to be walking through the door...in the mood for some lovin'....while he wants to play "Oh sorry honey, I'm just not up for it tonight"...I see that as completely uncaring, selfish and very very hurtful....detrimental to your marital intimacy....and if not curbed, your resentment and frustration will go through the roof.
> 
> A woman's Prime sexually is a very powerful thing, I've been there.. I was more emotional to HIS desire during that phase as well.. a husband really needs to understand this.. and do all he can to satisfy his wife...and with his health issues...this adds another monkey wrench in there.. His Test is TOO low.. .other Doctors would give him Treatment at those levels..
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------

