# Not attracted to husband



## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

Hi,
I've been married to a lovely man for 13 years and we have 3 kids. I never found my husband sexually attractive, but in the first few months sex was fun because we were new to each other. However, I soon resigned myself into thinking that I was just a kind of person who wasn't into sex, although we have always had a regular sexlife. Then a few years ago I met a man that I found incredibly sexually attractive. Nothing happened between us. But I had never felt like that before and I realised that I DO have sexual feelings, and that I CAN fancy a man immensely. But I don't fancy my husband at all. Ever since then I have found it hard to have sex with my husband although we continue to have sex 3 times a week. I dream of having a sensual relationship with a man that I find sexually attractive, and I don't want to live for the rest of my life without that. On the other hand, my husband is a kind and good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I have so far not felt any strong sexual attraction to any other man since. (That particular man is not available to me, even if I got divorced). What can I do??  Has anyone been in a similar situation? Hope you can help, thanks!!


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Three kids and you just figured all this out ? Does he also support you ? Best get attracted to him.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

coco..is there a reason that your husband is not attractive to you? does he have bad hygiene? does he not show you attention outside of the bedroom?

The other guy is a fantasy. PERIOD. He may have been someone you found attractive..but he may not have all the other qualities that your dear husband has. 

You say he is a lovely man. If he is a loving man too, then maybe you can sit him down and tell him your libido is lowering (no need to crush him with the fact you found someone else attractive) and tell him you need to work on things to make it a bit more exciting for you.

Look at one thing each day about your husband and think about it. does he have beautiful eyes? fixate on that..nice bum? even better:rofl: anyway fixate on ONE thing positive about your husband a day..I promise in a few weeks..you will be WAY more attracted to him!!!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Coco8 said:


> Hi,
> I've been married to a lovely man for 13 years and we have 3 kids. I never found my husband sexually attractive, but in the first few months sex was fun because we were new to each other. However, I soon resigned myself into thinking that I was just a kind of person who wasn't into sex, although we have always had a regular sexlife. Then a few years ago I met a man that I found incredibly sexually attractive. Nothing happened between us. But I had never felt like that before and I realised that I DO have sexual feelings, and that I CAN fancy a man immensely. But I don't fancy my husband at all. Ever since then I have found it hard to have sex with my husband although we continue to have sex 3 times a week. I dream of having a sensual relationship with a man that I find sexually attractive, and I don't want to live for the rest of my life without that. On the other hand, my husband is a kind and good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I have so far not felt any strong sexual attraction to any other man since. (That particular man is not available to me, even if I got divorced). What can I do??  Has anyone been in a similar situation? Hope you can help, thanks!!


I do know exactly how you feel. It's a tough position to be in for sure. I'm kind of in the same situation myself. I don't have any answers, but I did want to let you know you're not alone in the way you feel.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I can't understand how you got together and stayed together if you weren't sexually attracted to him. Was he your first? If so, that may explain it.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I have to say that originally my husband was not "my type" I did not have an overwhelming urge to rip his clothes of. He is a nice looking man...but he is shorter and blonder and has blue eyes..something I have never been attracted to. (by short..5'10"...I was used to dating 6'2 and the last before my hubby..6'7") and both, as my first husband..dark eyes and hair.
I should not call him short as I am 5'3,, but shorter men was not attractive to me..nor was his fair skin and blonde hair.

now. i look at him and he is the most beautiful creature on the planet...I love his strong large chest...his piercing blue eyes..and his all encompassing love of me. 

believe me. if you love him dearly..you can FIND that attraction to him...


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings with him. or offer suggestions of what your attracted to. 
i think this is mostly a mind thing, where there are behavioral things that could be at work here. 

is he fit? does he work out?
are you not physically attracted to him? and what was it about thie other guy that was? his unavailability? 

there are ways of transfering some of what the mystery man had onto your husband. but hell need help. you have to be willing to hellp him.


i would also venture to say that the newness and myster about your husband is what made sex great in the beginning. that there are elements that can be reintroduced to re kindle that spark. 

sometimes after a while, when comfort sets in, it goes away, or it seems like you were never attracted to him to begin with...but you were...


find out what those things were, and make sure its just not the newness thing, because youd be in for a wolrd of hurt if it was and youleft your husband for somehting like that, simply because it always wears off...




also, it could be possible that your husband has become too beta, and needs to find a why to recharge that area of your marriage...


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

This is a very helpful thread. Sometimes I think my wife doesn't find me sexually attractive. Recently I started working out and getting in better shape and I noticed that our sex life improved.

This will be a great encouragement for me to continue exercising. 

Maybe you could buy your husband Insanity or P90X


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am!


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Would you care if he got his needs met elsewhere?



Coco8 said:


> Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Coco8 said:


> Hi all. I haven't been logged on for a long time and didn't know you guys had posted all this! I'm so grateful, your comments are very helpful. WHat's happened since my original post is that I eventually told my husband I didn't fancy him anymore and that I didn't feel the love I wanted to feel in an intimate relationship. We had a major crisis because of this and my husband changed his life completely. He re-focused on things that are important to him, and started exercising and socialising. He's personally in a good place now (apart from our marriage issues) However, my feelings for him did not change despite this and despite couples counselling. We are now staying together for the sake of our children and do not have sex anymore. We got on well and are friends. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to begin again in a few years time.... not the best solution, but I can't feel something that just isn't there. Hope you're all doing better than I am!


So, he has your complete permission to get his needs met elsewhere, right? And you pull your full weight for the household financially, right?


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

I wouldn't mind at all!! In fact, I would like for us to have an Open relationship but my husband is against it.


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

I am the main carer for our children, do the majority of the housework, plus work 25hours a week.... not that I need to justify myself - my husband and I get on and agree on how things are divided...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before you told your husband that you are not attracted to him, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing thinkgs that you both enjoy?


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Before you told your husband that you are not attracted to him, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing thinkgs that you both enjoy?


Good question. We never did anything together apart from watching tv for an hour before bedtime. We know where we lost our "togetherness", it's when we settled down in one place after having moved around a lot from place to place year after year. Our moves were our projects that bonded us together. But although we've talked about moving again to try to rekindle things, I feel deep down that it won't help, it's too late for me. I see him so differently now.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm surprised he is still with you. I wouldn't be. Just being honest. 



Coco8 said:


> I wouldn't mind at all!! In fact, I would like for us to have an Open relationship but my husband is against it.


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

jd08 said:


> I'm surprised he is still with you. I wouldn't be. Just being honest.


And my close friends are surprised that I'm still with him!! The reason is the kids. We have a responsibility towards our kids which is more important than getting our needs met. This is how we feel, and we can cope with the situation since we get along.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

So is he still totally into you then? Is he really hurt by this just hanging on hoping that you will change how you feel?


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## norway (May 15, 2013)

I was/am in similar situation as your husband. My wife told me about 10 years ago that she was not attracted to me and would no longer be having sex with me. We had four young kids at the time and we agrred to stay together for the kids. I think it would have been better for the kids to have happy divorced parents then unhappy married parents. We have one kid left to finish highschool and have now told her I think it is time for the divorce.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

What a mess Coco. Hindsight is 20/20 and it's apparent now that you gave up too much for the mirage of safety.


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## antf (May 15, 2013)

I feel sorry for your husband.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

People like this make me hope they find their Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie and then get thrown out with the trash when their beautiful toy tires of them.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm glad you told him the truth, Coco. Wondering whether that's the truth, when you're pretty sure it is, is a killer. Best to put it on the table.

And assuming you get along well, I won't fault the choice to stay together for the kids. It's a fine line to walk, though. Giving the kids a happy home is great, so long as there's truly happiness. Hard to manage when you're both depriving yourselves of the possibility of entering into a truly loving relationship with someone else.

And I would have nixed the hell out of the open relationship proposal, too. Some things I can live with, some things I can't or won't.


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

It's such a difficult decision. Everyone's marriage is different, and we all carry ourselves with us wherever we go. The grass probably isn't greener anywhere else. But it's impossible to know what we are choosing between when deciding whether to stay together or to divorce.

To be honest, my parents had a horrendous divorce which affected me badly also because it caused my father to virtually desert me without warning at a critical time in my childhood. I don't want to repeat the hurt caused by my parents, and this is guiding me in my current situation. Rightly or wrongly.




norway said:


> I was/am in similar situation as your husband. My wife told me about 10 years ago that she was not attracted to me and would no longer be having sex with me. We had four young kids at the time and we agrred to stay together for the kids. I think it would have been better for the kids to have happy divorced parents then unhappy married parents. We have one kid left to finish highschool and have now told her I think it is time for the divorce.


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## Logitex (Jul 5, 2013)

I'm betting you are going to lose that "new car smell" with anyone. Something to be considering before you exit this relationship and enter another. You might find out (after it is too late) The problem might be you and switching over to a LTR and out of a new relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What a great role model you are for your children.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I think this is a sad situation for your children. You are shaping them to view marriage as being a platonic friendship. I assume you don't hug and kiss in front of your children? It's sad.

I can understand how you feel but is there anyway you could become attracted to him for the sake of your kids even? Maybe by making up your mind on this you've doomed your chances...


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Did your husband do or say something that turned you off of him or did this just happen because you have been together for so long? Things aren't the same after you have been together for a while. Especially in a marriage where you don't get much attention outside of sex, don't do anything together without the kids or there has been cheating and harsh words.

I just get the feeling there is more to the story than this.


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

Yes Thundarr, so true.



Thundarr said:


> What a mess Coco. Hindsight is 20/20 and it's apparent now that you gave up too much for the mirage of safety.


Hi FemBot, yes, I can see that we're not showing the kids a good way to handle a marriage or conflicts. Sometimes I think it would be better if we argued and fought, so that a separation wouldn't seem like such a bad idea...? No, we don't hug and kiss, just a peck on the cheek goodbye. 



FemBot said:


> I think this is a sad situation for your children. You are shaping them to view marriage as being a platonic friendship. I assume you don't hug and kiss in front of your children? It's sad.
> 
> I can understand how you feel but is there anyway you could become attracted to him for the sake of your kids even? Maybe by making up your mind on this you've doomed your chances...


Thanks Thebes, very foolishly of me I decided to marry someone I wasn't actually sexually attracted to even from the start. Sex was ok in the beginning simply because it was new at the time. I thought it was far more important to have friendship in a long-term relationship so it didn't bother me. And now we have that friendship and nothing else(on my part), and I know I made a mistake that I don't know how to put right.



Thebes said:


> Did your husband do or say something that turned you off of him or did this just happen because you have been together for so long? Things aren't the same after you have been together for a while. Especially in a marriage where you don't get much attention outside of sex, don't do anything together without the kids or there has been cheating and harsh words.
> 
> I just get the feeling there is more to the story than this.


You've nailed it Logitex. I feel incapable of a true LTR and a deeper committment. Adding years on top of each other is not the same as a real LTR, I know that now. I can see that my husband is very different from me; he is capable of some kind of deeper love, whereas I seem to have some pieces missing in my set-up.

I know this is all my fault, I don't blame him in any way. It's just a mess and sad, and I hope our kids won't grow up too hurt by my shortcomings.



Logitex said:


> I'm betting you are going to lose that "new car smell" with anyone. Something to be considering before you exit this relationship and enter another. You might find out (after it is too late) The problem might be you and switching over to a LTR and out of a new relationship.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

how many marriages, do you think, retain passion after so many years?

Very few, that's how many.


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## Coco8 (Nov 10, 2011)

So what do people do to stay happy in the marriage? Do most married people feel that friendship is enough?



Hicks said:


> how many marriages, do you think, retain passion after so many years?
> 
> Very few, that's how many.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Coco8 said:


> You've nailed it Logitex. I feel incapable of a true LTR and a deeper committment. Adding years on top of each other is not the same as a real LTR, I know that now. I can see that my husband is very different from me; he is capable of some kind of deeper love, whereas I seem to have some pieces missing in my set-up.


Avoidant Attachment takes some time to work through, but you can reassert yourself slowly via IC. Fear of intimacy may have subconsciously evolved from a previous attachment injury (i.e. during childhood). Emotional connection is absolutely inherent in the human condition. Absent the children, you might have separated from your spouse long ago. The children now fill the emotional gap the was abandoned with the spouse. A simple fact: the excitement (limerence) / disillusionment cycle will continue until addressed. If you can discuss this honestly and begin self-care, there is path forward ... where it leads I cannot guess, but it will represent an honest understanding of yourself. Kindest regards-

Attachment Theory - About.com


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

CoCo,

How long can you go without having sex? How long can your husband go? I can't speak for you, but for most men, that is the number one need for a husband in a marriage.You are opening yourselves up for downward spiral of resentment and possible infidelity. 

It appears he's trying to improve himself for you. What are you doing to meet him half way? Just staying with him?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This thread is over 2 years old. The entire time the OP has been positing in it, I have yet to see WHY she does not love her husband as a sensual lover. 

OP, what is your husband missing that would help you feel love for him? People develop feelings for others all the time. There is no such thing as true love, so there are plenty of people out there that you can feel love for on many different levels.

ETA: Can you tell us what the "man of your dreams" had that your husband does not? Alternatively, what does you husband do that bothers you that your dream guy does not do?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Your husband obviously does not have the strength to leave you. You should do him (and your children) a favor and leave him. It will happen one day eventually anyway-- you are just delaying the inevitable now and giving him false hope by staying-- but in the meantime, the resentment between you will grow and grow. My guess is that you will cheat on him notwithstanding your agreement that you will remain committed to each other. It is obviously what you want and given enough time it will happen.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Coco8 said:


> So what do people do to stay happy in the marriage? Do most married people feel that friendship is enough?


Hell no!

It has a lot to do with how you talk to yourself.

The admiration and respect, awe, time spent together, what thoughts and words you allow to run through our head.... All this stuff drives connectedness... And the mutual fulfilling connection drives continued attraction.


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## IgglePiggle (Feb 27, 2012)

Coco8 said:


> Hi,
> I've been married to a lovely man for 13 years and we have 3 kids. I never found my husband sexually attractive, but in the first few months sex was fun because we were new to each other. However, I soon resigned myself into thinking that I was just a kind of person who wasn't into sex, although we have always had a regular sexlife. Then a few years ago I met a man that I found incredibly sexually attractive. Nothing happened between us. But I had never felt like that before and I realised that I DO have sexual feelings, and that I CAN fancy a man immensely. But I don't fancy my husband at all. Ever since then I have found it hard to have sex with my husband although we continue to have sex 3 times a week. I dream of having a sensual relationship with a man that I find sexually attractive, and I don't want to live for the rest of my life without that. On the other hand, my husband is a kind and good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I have so far not felt any strong sexual attraction to any other man since. (That particular man is not available to me, even if I got divorced). What can I do??  Has anyone been in a similar situation? Hope you can help, thanks!!



Same honey.... Im searching for answers too... Im here if you want to chat xxxxx


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