# Exhausted but still love the jerk!



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I have a very long story that spans over the last 5 years. I wont go into all the details but will give you a little history. Husband and I have been together since I was 18 and he was 16, we are now 39 and 37. We have three children together and we are "best friends". 5 years ago we separated because he needed to "think" and we had been fighting ALOT. I was so hurt, I cried day and night for a week and he finally came back home. The next day I snooped on his email and discovered an email from his co-worker asking him about lunch and saying "I love you and miss you". I hopped in my car, sped over to his work and busted them walking out to the car to go to lunch together. That day I threw his stuff out and he went to live with his best friend for the next 17 mos. During that time he was seeing both of us but wouldnt admit that to me. He would come to my house all the time and act like we were friends. I went through spells of crazy begging to hating him! At the end of the 17 mos I got really sick, he met me at the doctor although I didnt want him there and when I got home he cradled me in his arms saying the girl was going to work somewhere else, he wanted to come home and he was done with her. Of course I was hesitant but I wanted him...I still loved him! He was home for about. About 5 months later I busted him again (found a voice mail on his cell phone from her). This time he left the house, went to his best friends for one night and then went to stay with this *****, who had since divorced her husband and moved on our side of town. During the separation we still communicated almost daily. He would come to see the kids on the weekend and we would have sex. I was stupid for having sex with him but I still loved him, even when I hated him and I also felt good that he was cheating on her too. Warped way of thinking I know! After living with her for 4 months he said he was done with her and wanted to come home. Guess what......7 months later I busted him AGAIN!! So he left again and went to live with her for 3 mos. and then swore on his life he would be the husband I wanted and asked to come home. That was in January of 2010, so he has been home for almost 3 years now. The truth is that I dont know what he is doing anymore. We are still together, we get along most of the time, laugh alot and enjoy being with each other. 

I always have that doubt in the back of my mind. I always ask myself if I was stupid for taking him back, I could have been happy by now but the truth is that the past haunts me everyday, whether we are having a good day or bad day it is always there! My husband isnt an affectionate person and I am, so we have issues in that area ALL THE TIME. Matter of fact that is my biggest issue. I want to be loved, I want to fell loved and I want to be able to stop worrying about what you MIGHT be doing and if I felt loved by you I could. He does what he knows how to do....but its honestly not what I need. I have begged him to be more affectionate, told him I need more because of everything that has happened. We dont talk about feelings a lot.....well I talk but he gets annoyed and the wall comes up. I know everyone thinks Im an idiot and why dont I leave but I just cant imagine my life without him. I feel weak and co-dependant because I need his constant reassurance.

When all this started we had both lost alot of weight together and his ego got huge. He was so overwhelmed with the attention that he was getting that I believe thats why he cheated. I was getting looks and comments as well but he didnt notice that...he just seemed to care about himself. Since all this has happened he has gained all of his weight back and I think deep down he blames me because if I had left him alone and let him do what he wanted back in 2007 he wouldnt have gained back his weight?! He is an emotional eater!

I could probably go on and on with little things that have happened, been said and done but its all pointless. I just wanted to ask if anyone has ever been in the same place I have been and how did you cope. Sometimes I feel like I might die if I keep feeling like this and others I get upset with myself because I bring up my feelings and worry that it just makes things harder for us. He is who he is and he probably isnt going to change, I have to accept that or move on , right? I just love him so much. I even told him yesterday that I dont know how I can love him so much after everything he has done to me but I do and sometimes I just dont feel like Im even on his radar.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

That's quite a story. I can't offer you any insight, but for what it's worth I can imagine some of the pain you are feeling. I know what it's like to love someone despite all they've done and I know that, in itself, is a roller coaster ride.

Have you tried going to counselling (just for you)?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I went to counseling a few times and he went separately then we went to 3 sessions together (this was all before the last time he came home). My husband would tell me stuff he was telling him and it seemed like he was just telling us both what we wanted to hear so I stopped going. Im sure I could benefit from counseling but recently I took a pay cut so the funds aren't there. My husband makes me feel weak for wanting to go!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Firstly, you aren't "weak" for wanting to go to counselling. It's easy to just sit on your problems but takes courage to get out there and try to fix them.

There is nothing wrong with loving somebody. Sometimes you can't explain why you do - heck I reckon *most* of the time you can't explain why!

I don't know how true this is but I have read that to let something go you have to forgive yourself first - even if you have done nothing wrong you might feel "guilty" for "allowing" another person to mistreat you.

Sure, some might argue that you would be "better off without him" but that isn't what is happening right now and you need to feel good about yourself and your choices.

Be proud that you have stuck with your husband come thick and thin. I admire you for it.

It has often helped me just posting my feelings on here so perhaps try leaning on "us" instead of yourself. Reach out for help like you are doing - maybe that might give you the hand up you need to start feeling good about yourself again.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Chris , 

I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"? 

Are you and your wife still working on things? Do you still believe that she wants things to get better? Where are you on that? Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Chris , 

I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"? 

Are you and your wife still working on things? Do you still believe that she wants things to get better? Where are you on that? Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Firstly, you aren't "weak" for wanting to go to counselling. It's easy to just sit on your problems but takes courage to get out there and try to fix them.
> 
> I don't know how true this is but I have read that to let something go you have to forgive yourself first - even if you have done nothing wrong you might feel "guilty" for "allowing" another person to mistreat you.
> 
> ...


I agree with Chris be proud that the love you feel for your husband has lasted this long. For better or for worst. Please try to continue to express your feeling to your husband.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

Your husband knows well by now that you will take him back no matter what he does. When he is unfaithful again, ask yourself if you want to do this for the rest of your life.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I am a betting man, and I can bet that your husband will cheat on you again if you take him back and RUG SWEEP this problem of his.

Stop being so complacent. Have some self respect, be a woman of caliber, of class, modesty because a woman like that is always in style, always rare, and always sought after!!!

Eat healthy, take care of your children, spend a little more on healthy foods and diets, vitamin c helps with the stress (cortisol) greatly, be confident, respect yourself, live for your children, and remember that you will only want him back if he only wants you and only YOU.

If it takes a month of IGNORING him, do it. He has too much contact with you while he is cheating to get a sense of the the reality of how it will be WITHOUT YOU. He needs this reality check. Give yourself a major reboot, make over, and don't settle for less, and do not have sex with him or cling to him. Do not contact him unless its an emergency, do not answer his phone calls, let it go to voicemail. Let HIM COME BEGGING TO YOU on his knees like a dog because he has been acting worse than that.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> I agree with Chris be proud that the love you feel for your husband has lasted this long. For better or for worst. Please try to continue to* express* your feeling to your husband.



Tough love only.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Clean, if I had it to do all over again I might have done things differently. At the time I was in it, I was in alot of pain and allowed him to do alot of things that I look back at and realize were stupid. We are living in the same house right now and ignoring him might be hard to do. It sucks cause we do like each other, we enjoy doing things together and we tell each other everything. Its hard to lose your husband AND your best friend. He informed me today that he is not physically attracted to me anymore and doesnt want to have sex with me? This coming from the guy that put back on 110 lbs after he lost it 5 years ago. I have never cared if he was fat or thin. I loved him for him! Obviously his feelings arent the same. My heart has been broken all day. I feel like such a sad pathetic case! He is all I have known all my life. I have no relationship with my mom or dad and its been my husband and kids for the last 20 years. I know it can be done, but it just seems impossible to not have him in my life! Knowing that he feels this way about me changes things for me though.....how can he stay married to me and not want to have sex with me? He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I know that if/when the opportunity rises he will cheat again if he feels that way about me.

Im not a super model but Im not ugly.....the OW's ex husband told me that I was way hotter then she was....HA! And what does someones looks have to do with it after 20 years and 3 kids...it just blows me away and crushes me to the core!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Chris ,
> 
> I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"?
> 
> Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?


I am as certain as I can be that she has not had contact with the OM since May 18th.

As far as the sex goes - who knows? Hysterical bonding is definitely 2 way so the "staking your claim" bit doesn't really ring quite true. It's more about claiming each other. Bit of an odd question from your original post but you have my answer anyway.

My WW says our love making is the best it's ever been and I have to say it is in some ways. Of course, for me I have the spectre of the OM etc. but it is different.

I'm sure each relationship is different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"your husband AND your best friend"

How can you consider someone your best friend when they mistreat you so constantly? You might want to take a very close look at how you define friendship. Friends do not treat you in this manner.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I understand that where you are coming from. He is my best friend in that I go to him first for everything, we can talk about anything, except my feelings (ha) and we enjoy all the same things. I honestly do enjoy doing just about anything with him, we laugh and have a good time. When I express my need for something in the relationship or question his love for me that is when things get ugly...EVERYTIME!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im not a super model but Im not ugly.....the OW's ex husband told me that I was way hotter then she was....HA! And what does someones looks have to do with it after 20 years and 3 kids...it just blows me away and crushes me to the core!


Just got done reading your story here. I don't have anything to add more than what everyone else has said. But I want to agree with the OW's XH. I can only judge by your profile photo but you are quite pretty. 20 years, 3 kids or not. With your looks you definitely have options.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

sandc said:


> Just got done reading your story here. I don't have anything to add more than what everyone else has said. But I want to agree with the OW's XH. I can only judge by your profile photo but you are quite pretty. 20 years, 3 kids or not. With your looks you definitely have options.


Thank you Sandc! Sometimes it doesnt matter about the outside when you're all jacked up on the inside!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I think you're an incredibly forgiving woman. I hope he works hard to earn that from you and continues to do so. I will say that the words that your husband uses in this post and your other post to describe you really do set off red flags for me. 

He calls you 'weak' for wanting counseling, and 'arrogant' when you display self confidence and independence.

These are negative words. I don't know you or your husband but this type of description is normally the way someone who is emotionally abusive will start to tear you down. I hope that's not the case and that these are uncommon exceptions.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Thank you Sandc! Sometimes it doesnt matter about the outside when you're all jacked up on the inside!


Oh... don't I know that. Beauty on the outside is nothing if a person is full of bitterness. Like a birthday cake full of worms.

Take your time and heal. Clean up your inner self. Try to see that there are other people in the world who would treat you better. Your husbands problems aren't about you, they are about him. So as hard as this is you really shouldn't take his problems personally. They are his and his alone.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I think you're an incredibly forgiving woman. I hope he works hard to earn that from you and continues to do so. I will say that the words that your husband uses in this post and your other post to describe you really do set off red flags for me.
> 
> He calls you 'weak' for wanting counseling, and 'arrogant' when you display self confidence and independence.
> 
> These are negative words. I don't know you or your husband but this type of description is normally the way someone who is emotionally abusive will start to tear you down. I hope that's not the case and that these are uncommon exceptions.


TCSR, I realize now after many years of feeling worthless that what he is doing is putting me down. I dont make excuses for him but I dont think he even realizes he does it. He is a negative person, finds faults in everything. I am the optimistic type...even if it looks like a dead end I will find a path to continue on. The glass is always half empty with him.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> TCSR, I realize now after many years of feeling worthless that what he is doing is putting me down. I dont make excuses for him but I dont think he even realizes he does it. He is a negative person, finds faults in everything. I am the optimistic type...even if it looks like a dead end I will find a path to continue on. The glass is always half empty with him.


After having a really horrific experience in a previous relationship, I'm a bit sensitive to that type of situation which is why I was bringing it up. For me, it was an important part of starting a relationship with my husband to keep away from that type of behavior. (My MIL is a shrew who was a big name caller so hubby was all on board for this). 

It's helped to focus on what exactly the other person is 'doing' specifically but it's a really difficult thing to learn. I won't say that it's been all hearts and roses (obviously, since I'm here). 

I hope it works out for you both - it's definitely a lot of work.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> ...*My husband isnt an affectionate person* and I am, so we have issues in that area ALL THE TIME.
> *Very, very odd. How can he NOT be an affectionate person yet carry on an apparent emotional and physical affair for years? This is a topic for MC no?
> 
> Or is it possible that your idea of affection is very different? Because (apparently) the OW found him to be quite affectionate. *
> ...


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Walk...Im no dummy until it comes to my own marriage and even then I know what I think and feel and Im pretty sure Im not far off.

Its always black and white when you're not in it, right?

No, I cant say Im happy. I am constantly wondering why he is with me, am I plan B? Am I the right thing to do? Is he better off financially with me? Is he afraid of losing his "things"? I have moments of happiness with him, even days but the big black cloud is always hanging over my head.

Im sure my idea of affection is different from his. He claims he is the same way he has always been but for me maybe I just need more now from him? Is that wrong to want the person that kicked you into the gutter to help pull you out? 

The other woman is a weirdo....my complete opposite. She has been around my WH's BFF and doesnt even talk to him. She has no personality at all. I will talk to anyone and can usually get along with anyone. I was recently told that 'to know me is to love me'.....I dont feel like Im all that but someone else told me that. Maybe Im easily likeable? My husband is very quiet, he will not go out of his way to talk to you or become friends with you. He has one BFF and no family that he talks to, and he has me and the kids. The OWxH was an alcoholic, was missing teeth, etc. They started working together (were the only ones at their business for a long time) and Im sure she poured out her heart to him and he listened. He is at fault just as much but I can see how it happened so clearly! He was also on his ego trip back then because he has lost 110 lbs and was working out and looked pretty darn good!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Most of the comments had good insights and some good suggestions. Have you thought about these?

Are you more accepting of the situation or are you planning asking your husband to engage himself more into the marriage?


Since he regained his weight after the affair and separation is he trying to lose weight?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Just checking in how you doing LDNTX ??? hope your hanging in there


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Most of the comments had good insights and some good suggestions. Have you thought about these?
> 
> Are you more accepting of the situation or are you planning asking your husband to engage himself more into the marriage?
> 
> ...


He has made repeated attempts to lose the weight and gets frustrated and quits. He wants it gone now, which isnt going to happen. I feel deep in my soul that as soon as he loses the weight and has another option he will be gone. Maybe I feel that way because I have such a low self esteem. He says he isnt leaving but he hasnt lost it so there is always that chance.

For the most part he is engaged just not as much as I am. Ive been doing alot of reading and I honestly dont believe that he's capable of loving me the way I want to be loved 'after the affair'. I often feel like he doesnt even love himself so how can he love me.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Just checking in how you doing LDNTX ??? hope your hanging in there


I am here, thanks for asking! 

Taking it day by day, some are good and some not so good but I guess thats to be expected. The moment I dont seem to give a crap is when he is the most attentive! Go figure


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What are 3 things he's done in the last 2 weeks that demonstrate his love? 

What are 3 things he's done in the last 2 weeks that make you doubt his commitment? Be objective


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> What are 3 things he's done in the last 2 weeks that demonstrate his love? Dang you're gonna make me reach arnt you? HA!
> 1) He's been cuddling with me nightly
> 2) He fixed my plate a few nights when he came in and I was finishing up stuff
> 3) He took us on a motorcycle ride because he knows how happy that makes me.
> ...


I guess if I really think about it, there are not specific things. Maybe its all me, ugh! Sometimes I feel like Im not on his radar. He will walk in the house say "whats for dinner" and not even say Hi or anything to me. I havent heard him SAY "i love you" in a long time. I havent had him put his arms around me and hug me in ages, even when Ive been very down and needed him to. Its little things he does. Before the affairs were exposed he told me everytime he hung up the phone that he loved me, everytime he walked out the door. Not anymore! He always told me good night and he loved me. Not anymore! His idea of cuddling is backing up next to me so that I can cuddle him. One time last week he actually cuddled me, but that was after I had been trying to do the 180 for a week or so.

Now you are making me wonder if Im expecting too much?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Expecting love and affection from your husband is not asking too much. Especially given what he's put you through. You kind of sound like plan b.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It sounds a little (or maybe a lot) like he's trying to make YOU work at R. 

I know you said he cheated - and it was intense - and not just once. 

Do you think that he had/has a grudge? Some misgiving about your marriage? I'm just reaching here. Because It doesn't look like a duck if you get my drift.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I have a very long story that spans over the last 5 years. I wont go into all the details but will give you a little history. Husband and I have been together since I was 18 and he was 16, we are now 39 and 37. We have three children together and we are "best friends". 5 years ago we separated because he needed to "think" and we had been fighting ALOT. I was so hurt, I cried day and night for a week and he finally came back home. The next day I snooped on his email and discovered an email from his co-worker asking him about lunch and saying "I love you and miss you". I hopped in my car, sped over to his work and busted them walking out to the car to go to lunch together. That day I threw his stuff out and he went to live with his best friend for the next 17 mos. During that time he was seeing both of us but wouldnt admit that to me. He would come to my house all the time and act like we were friends. I went through spells of crazy begging to hating him! At the end of the 17 mos I got really sick, he met me at the doctor although I didnt want him there and when I got home he cradled me in his arms saying the girl was going to work somewhere else, he wanted to come home and he was done with her. Of course I was hesitant but I wanted him...I still loved him! He was home for about. About 5 months later I busted him again (found a voice mail on his cell phone from her). This time he left the house, went to his best friends for one night and then went to stay with this *****, who had since divorced her husband and moved on our side of town. During the separation we still communicated almost daily. He would come to see the kids on the weekend and we would have sex. I was stupid for having sex with him but I still loved him, even when I hated him and I also felt good that he was cheating on her too. Warped way of thinking I know! After living with her for 4 months he said he was done with her and wanted to come home. Guess what......7 months later I busted him AGAIN!! So he left again and went to live with her for 3 mos. and then swore on his life he would be the husband I wanted and asked to come home. That was in January of 2010, so he has been home for almost 3 years now. The truth is that I dont know what he is doing anymore. We are still together, we get along most of the time, laugh alot and enjoy being with each other.
> 
> I always have that doubt in the back of my mind. I always ask myself if I was stupid for taking him back, I could have been happy by now but the truth is that the past haunts me everyday, whether we are having a good day or bad day it is always there! My husband isnt an affectionate person and I am, so we have issues in that area ALL THE TIME. Matter of fact that is my biggest issue. I want to be loved, I want to fell loved and I want to be able to stop worrying about what you MIGHT be doing and if I felt loved by you I could. He does what he knows how to do....but its honestly not what I need. I have begged him to be more affectionate, told him I need more because of everything that has happened. We dont talk about feelings a lot.....well I talk but he gets annoyed and the wall comes up. I know everyone thinks Im an idiot and why dont I leave but I just cant imagine my life without him. I feel weak and co-dependant because I need his constant reassurance.
> 
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> Hi - been thinking of you a lot. I think you and I would be good friends if we did not live like 1000 miles away.
> 
> I don't know too much, except tid bits here, so if I'm wrong or making you feel odd, please forgive me.
> 
> ...


I love it!

My worry is that maybe he won't even notice!


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Have you guys tried MCing?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

bbrad said:


> Have you guys tried MCing?


Brad, we went to a few sessions back in the very beginning when her still had the OW on the side. He didnt want to go back. I realized later it was because the counselor was going to make him accountable for things and he didnt want to be, since he was still seeing OW.

I have mentioned in in the last year or so and he says that the counselor only tells you what you want to hear and its just a scam, they dont know anything that we dont already know. Maybe he is still hiding stuff and thats why he doesnt want to go, or maybe he just doesnt care that much about the marriage, I dont know.

Currently we are not in a financial position to go to counseling even if I was able to drag him there. Im self employed and this year my work has really slowed down.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi Letdown,

There comes a time when we need to be fearless. It's time for you to make a list of must haves to continue in the marriage. Once you make the list, you need to be honest about whether you are already receiving those things or if you are immune to them due to his past transgressions and your barriers due to those transgressions.

If you are not getting what you need and he is unwilling to TRY to improve, then you can't be bluffing. You will need to start your exit to wake him up. If he still doesn't start the hard work then you must be willing to go.

I really get the part where you are attractive on the outside but broken inside. My wife broke me for a while. I worked on myself for the last few years and feel whole for the first time in a long time regardless of her interaction with me. This feeling good regardless of your husband will empower you to help him be what you need.

Things can look bleak at times and then there can be a turn around. 

2 years ago I called a suicide hotline. That was the bottom. Things look great for me now regardless of my wife and our interaction. If things go bad, I'll be alright, if they go good, I'll be alright as well. Because I like who I am and I won't let someone else dictate who I see in thee mirror anymore.

You do the same, you are special and if he can't see that it's his problem not yours. We all see it and haven't even met you.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

How did I start to like myself more?

I started to expand my friendships more. I made new friends outside my comfort zone. This interaction gave me a true sense of how people see me.

I grew my old friendships without my wife present. Getting together with my old friends more and being my old self, who I was before I met my wife.

I fixed my broken parts. Literally. I had surgery for some injuries I received when I was a competitive fighter. I quit activities that hurt me and I started a healthier pattern to cope with my issues.

I cut out the people in my life that were toxic. Even consistently negative people can be problematic. Most of my family of origin fall into this category.

I found this forum, and found out its ok to need to work on yourself. No shame in that, in fact it's a sign of higher intelligence if you ask me.

Started to be honest to everyone about almost everything. Relieves stress big time. Speak the truth. (but not to the toxic people, tell them nothing)


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Hi Letdown,
> 
> There comes a time when we need to be fearless. It's time for you to make a list of must haves to continue in the marriage. Once you make the list, you need to be honest about whether you are already receiving those things or if you are immune to them due to his past transgressions and your barriers due to those transgressions.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, those words really do mean alot to me. Having read your story about your father and your own struggles I know you have been where I am. It feels like a roller coaster, some days I wake up feeling like a million bucks (ok I lie, not really). I have the mentality of doing the best I can and if he doesnt notice it then who cares, who needs him anyway. And then there are some mornings where I wake up and carry the whole weight of this relationship on my shoulders and feel like Im getting nowhere.

Its so hard to talk to him about what I want and how I feel. Im either mad or Im crying it seems! He hates the crying, I get that but I cant help how much it hurts to have to try to explain to someone how much you need something from them when, if they really loved you, it should come natural. For me, its just hard to fathom the idea of not showing love and compassion, its who I am.

He makes me feel like Im crazy sometimes for not feeling like we are emotionally connected anymore. If I say that I dont think our marriage is what it should be he gets pissy and acts like he has no idea what I am talking about, as if our marriage is just great. I guess to him as long as no one is fighting things are good! I have tried to wrap my brain around it and cant! I just feel like he's so detached and here I am struggling to detach!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Thank you so much, those words really do mean alot to me. Having read your story about your father and your own struggles I know you have been where I am. It feels like a roller coaster, some days I wake up feeling like a million bucks (ok I lie, not really). I have the mentality of doing the best I can and if he doesnt notice it then who cares, who needs him anyway. And then there are some mornings where I wake up and carry the whole weight of this relationship on my shoulders and feel like Im getting nowhere.
> 
> Its so hard to talk to him about what I want and how I feel. Im either mad or Im crying it seems! He hates the crying, I get that but I cant help how much it hurts to have to try to explain to someone how much you need something from them when, if they really loved you, it should come natural. For me, its just hard to fathom the idea of not showing love and compassion, its who I am.
> 
> He makes me feel like Im crazy sometimes for not feeling like we are emotionally connected anymore. If I say that I dont think our marriage is what it should be he gets pissy and acts like he has no idea what I am talking about, as if our marriage is just great. I guess to him as long as no one is fighting things are good! I have tried to wrap my brain around it and cant! I just feel like he's so detached and here I am struggling to detach!


Unfortunately I understand where he's coming from. Men and women can be so different. The dynamic changes as soon as the woman starts crying.
My wife complained about all the same things from me. It motivated me to change that about myself. When I did change that, I started to have all of my friendships improve. I started to compliment my friends more. I started to let more people in my life know how I feel about them. They love it! Especially my wife.
She rarely complains about that anymore. In counseling, I needed to learn to show a wider range of emotion, the good the bad and the ugly. A wife needs all of them to feel connected.

I was very reluctant to change at first though. It was only after I went back to her and started to feel the heavy repercussions. I had to get on meds to be more reasonable and deal with insomnia. 
Once I started to feel the benefits of change it was a snowball effect in a good way.

Your husband needs to feel the heavy repercussions of what he's done, to motivate change.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Letdown
As you continue to see others struggle on this board and you provide advise, you get a deeper insight into your own plight. Little by little, centimeter by centimeter you will form a solid plan of action.

Your plan may or may not include him as a partner. But it will begin with a "whole" you. You have allowed your self to be "let down" - that power needs to be in your hands only. From now on and forever. Teach that principle to your children - by your actions.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Your husband needs to feel the heavy repercussions of what he's done, to motivate change.


Im afraid that since I didnt make him work for it when it happened that its almost too late for that.

At this point Im pretty sure he would say he came home and tried and he thought things were better (his idea of better is not the same as mine) and then I lost my mind..HA


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Letdown
> As you continue to see others struggle on this board and you provide advise, you get a deeper insight into your own plight. Little by little, centimeter by centimeter you will form a solid plan of action.
> 
> Your plan may or may not include him as a partner. But it will begin with a "whole" you. You have allowed your self to be "let down" - that power needs to be in your hands only. From now on and forever. Teach that principle to your children - by your actions.


I know that I havent been a great example to my children through all of this and my decisions with my WH. I have been trying to right my wrongs and teach them to not find themselves in the same situations in their lives, that they are worth more than that. I also think them seeing me through all this has taught them how people are affected by others actions when they truly love a person and are hurt by them.

My son is 16, he towers over me. I told him I dont care how big he gets Im still his mother and if he ever treats a woman the way that he has seen his father treat me that I will whip his behind!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im afraid that since I didnt make him work for it when it happened that its almost too late for that.
> 
> At this point Im pretty sure he would say he came home and tried and he thought things were better (his idea of better is not the same as mine) and then I lost my mind..HA


My wife did not get pis sed at me until we were 8 months into R. 

I had to address our OM issue 7 years later, I'm glad I did.

It's never too late to be mad at being treated badly.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

LetDown,

You are describing my feelings quite good - and many others as well I guess.

I strongly believe that self improvement and philosophy of living in the present is the right road to pursue. It will eventually give you the strength do to whatever you see fit along the way.

You already know that you can live with or without him - that's a very good start!

And yes, you are unique and without any doubt an amazing person. If your husband can't see that, well isn't that his loss...


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

cpacan said:


> LetDown,
> 
> You are describing my feelings quite good - and many others as well I guess.
> 
> ...


CPA, Im sorry that you can relate but glad to be in the presence of others who have been where I am. Its empowering to see others who are in better places and farther along in their healing. It makes me feel like eventually I will get there.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> CPA, Im sorry that you can relate but glad to be in the presence of others who have been where I am. Its empowering to see others who are in better places and farther along in their healing. It makes me feel like eventually I will get there.


Well, from time to time, you wouldn't wish to be in my shoes either 

I still struggle, but you mights say that it is more like a struggle to have what I want in a relationship now than it is directly infidelity related issues. But the infidelity has opened my eyes in other aspects. Sort of "not blinded by naive and endless love any more"

Not very romantic, I know, but it is what it is.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Its so hard to talk to him about what I want and how I feel. Im either mad or Im crying it seems! He hates the crying, I get that but I cant help how much it hurts to have to try to explain to someone how much you need something from them when, if they really loved you, it should come natural. For me, its just hard to fathom the idea of not showing love and compassion, its who I am.
> 
> He makes me feel like Im crazy sometimes for not feeling like we are emotionally connected anymore. If I say that I dont think our marriage is what it should be he gets pissy and acts like he has no idea what I am talking about, as if our marriage is just great. I guess to him as long as no one is fighting things are good! I have tried to wrap my brain around it and cant! I just feel like he's so detached and here I am struggling to detach!


I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to so many of the things that you've said. Even before I found out about the OW, it was really difficult to try to discuss concerns with my H. Any time I tried to express my feelings, he would get angry, change the topic, bring up things that I had done to him (his words). We never got around to discussing and resolving my issue. This left me feeling as if he didn't care about my feelings and resulted in the same angry/crying rollercoaster and me saying that I didn't feel that our marriage was as it should be. Reaction: he gets pissy and has no idea what I am talking about. As long as we were having sex, the marriage is fine and I'm crazy. Didn't matter that I felt as if we were losing the emotional connection. I asked for MC, and he has always refused to go. I have gone off and on for several years. I've worked though my dad being sick and eventually passing due to Altzheimers and a toxic work environment. In addition, when I brought the most recent problems up, my IC commented that I haven't been happy in my marriage for a long time. She's right. I've known that it wasn't good for a while, but I never thought that H would do what he's done. I had the same mindset...how did we go from being best friends to where we are now? I think part of the answer is that I've matured emotionally and he is still stuck where he was. Either way, it's still really difficult because I remember how much fun we had and how easy it seemed to be. I know that you mentioned that you were sick and I hope that you are healthy. The suggestions that all the posters have given you make a lot of sense. Especially the one about beauty on the inside versus what's on the outside. You are beautiful both inside and out. I can tell by the advice you give and the compassion you show others. I hope for your sake that you find a way out of this sitaution whether it's working things out with your husband or not. You really do deserve someone who is willing to treat you how you should be treated. Know that you are worth it! I am working every day to undo and stop the effects of the mind games that I've allowed my H to play with me. You are stronger than you realize and will be OK either way. Take care.


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