# Advice on improving sex life



## Paul55 (Jan 31, 2021)

Hi. I’m 55 and my wife is 47 and we aren’t having much sex anymore. It’s been made worse by having children constantly at home due to lockdown. The last time we had sex was a month ago and we just have straight missionary. She doesn’t touch me down there at all. I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it. She doesn’t like me giving her oral - that only happens when we’re drunk and I just do it and basically make her accept it and she enjoys that. She doesn’t give me oral and never has. I really love her but want sex to be better and more often.
Any thoughts/advice welcome.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Paul55 said:


> I just do it and basically make her accept it


You sure that's her cup of tea?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You say "anymore"..... but then you say she's never given you oral, and that she allows you to give her oral only when she's drunk and you force it.... so, when was the time that your sex life was satisfying ?

What happened that stopped the sex ? Kids ?


----------



## Paul55 (Jan 31, 2021)

TJW said:


> You say "anymore"..... but then you say she's never given you oral, and that she allows you to give her oral only when she's drunk and you force it.... so, when was the time that your sex life was satisfying ?
> 
> What happened that stopped the sex ? Kids ?


It’s just petered out over the last few years. It wasn’t the kids really - it’s just not happened as often. We used to do different positions but just missionary now when it happens.


----------



## Paul55 (Jan 31, 2021)

bobert said:


> You sure that's her cup of tea?


I can make her cum when I do it otherwise she doesn’t orgasm. She gets embarrassed about it so normally doesn’t let me go down.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Paul55 said:


> She gets embarrassed about it so normally doesn’t let me go down.


I think sex is not your wife's "cup of tea".... someone, or some collection of someones, has taught your wife that sex is "dirty" or otherwise a shameful act. Alcohol reduces the inhibitions, and allows her to orgasm. 

She also needs to understand that there is a substantial group of women, from all ages, who cannot orgasm from intercourse alone, but require direct clitoral stimulation such as in oral to "grab the brass ring". This is not anything to be embarrassed about. Their husbands lovingly provide oral and manual stimulation as needed for them to orgasm.

The key element here is your wife, and what she wants..... if she wants your sex life to improve, then there will be a plethora of helps available, not the least of which is the bible. And, there are many other works and people who can, and will, help her to overcome this mental obstacle. Some of those folks are right here on this website.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I'm afraid it is going to have to start with some awkward conversations so that your wife is clear about your concerns here.


----------



## Paul55 (Jan 31, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I'm afraid it is going to have to start with some awkward conversations so that your wife is clear about your concerns here.


Yes. I have broached the oral issue but she won’t budge on that. She does agree we should have sex more and says she enjoys it when we do it.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Paul55 said:


> Yes. I have broached the oral issue but she won’t budge on that. She does agree we should have sex more and says she enjoys it when we do it.


Okay, so what concrete and specific things are you both going to do to make that happen?


----------



## Paul55 (Jan 31, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Okay, so what concrete and specific things are you both going to do to make that happen?


We need to set aside time to do it I guess. I can sometimes persuade her to get on top.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Paul55 said:


> We need to set aside time to do it I guess. I can sometimes persuade her to get on top.


My advice is to make sure that you discuss and agree some concrete plans and follow through. Otherwise you will spend the next 5-10 years hearing the same thing from her. If this is important to you then drive the change forwards. If she genuinely enjoys sex and is open to have it more often she should follow your lead. If she is just offering kind words it will become obvious that she doesn't want to follow through.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Paul55 said:


> Hi. I’m 55 and my wife is 47 and we aren’t having much sex anymore. It’s been made worse by having children constantly at home due to lockdown. The last time we had sex was a month ago and we just have straight missionary. She doesn’t touch me down there at all. I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it. She doesn’t like me giving her oral - that only happens when we’re drunk and I just do it and basically make her accept it and she enjoys that. She doesn’t give me oral and never has. I really love her but want sex to be better and more often.
> Any thoughts/advice welcome.


Emotionally connect with your wife, talk to her, let her understand how into you are and how sex isn't about you getting off but feeling close to her. Then once you can tell she feel safe, flirt with her and be dirty sometimes.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Paul55 said:


> I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it.


Hi OP, sorry you're dealing with this. I hate to kick you while you're down, but this here sounds really boring.


sokillme said:


> Emotionally connect with your wife, talk to her, let her understand how into you are and how sex isn't about you getting off but feeling close to her. Then once you can tell she feel safe, flirt with her and be dirty sometimes.


I definitely agree with this, especially the last sentence. It's way more fun to be flirty even if you can't have sex right then, and come back to it later. Be confident and aggressive! Honestly, it's a real buzzkill to be approached timidly or routinely only when it's time to get down to business.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since she says she wants to have sex and she isn't comfortable with oral even though it gets her off, as a woman I'm suggesting you just try using your fingers to get her off more. Maybe she won't find that as awkward. you can stay up in the missionary type position where you're writing her face which is what a lot of women are comfortable with, and then use your hands even as you're doing front or back vaginal intercourse, and that ought to get her off, and she might not feel self-conscious about it.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

TJW said:


> someone, or some collection of someones, has taught your wife that sex is "dirty" or otherwise a shameful act.


That's what I was thinking. She seems to be holding back out of fear that she is doing something wrong.

Not sure if this is the issue, but a lot of people have religious hang ups when it comes to sex, even though married sex is not a sin. Learning that fact can help some people loosen up bigtime.

You might want to check out The Marriage Bed website, and see if she will, if you think this is part of the problem.

Helpful links (that might help other people in similar situations too):

Spouse Won't Have Sex

Sexual Stewardship

Sexual Responsibility

*This site is about biblical unions, so if that offends anyone, don't read it.

*If I shouldn't post these links, please remove.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Paul55 said:


> Hi. I’m 55 and my wife is 47 and we aren’t having much sex anymore. It’s been made worse by having children constantly at home due to lockdown. The last time we had sex was a month ago and we just have straight missionary. She doesn’t touch me down there at all. I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it. She doesn’t like me giving her oral - that only happens when we’re drunk and I just do it and basically make her accept it and she enjoys that. She doesn’t give me oral and never has. I really love her but want sex to be better and more often.
> Any thoughts/advice welcome.


If you want sex to be better and more often. You would do well to be more sexual, less boring and get your wife aroused (massage mostly puts people to sleep) before climbing on top of her.

Which leads to the question, how do you get your wife sexually excited and wanting to share sex with you?



Paul55 said:


> It’s just petered out over the last few years. It wasn’t the kids really - it’s just not happened as often. We used to do different positions but just missionary now when it happens.


Well that sounds boring, so what's in it for your wife to want more sex with you rather than less sex?



Paul55 said:


> I can make her cum when I do it otherwise she doesn’t orgasm. She gets embarrassed about it so normally doesn’t let me go down.


There's more than oral sex to bring a woman to orgasm. How about using your hands and fingers, and or using other phallic objects, or vibrators. if you know what gets her off oral, you could try to apply similar stimulation during penis in vagina sex.



Paul55 said:


> Yes. I have broached the oral issue but she won’t budge on that. She does agree we should have sex more and says she enjoys it when we do it.


Try not to be too passive, dull and predictable and initiate more frequently and show more desire.

As to her not budging, you've probably been together for many years and she hasn't done it. So wanting that with her is an unrealistic expectation when you already settled for it.

Seriously it's too late for you, while you remain with her. yet for most others reading this, it is worth noting if you pick someone who isn't especially adventurous sexually. You are likely to be on a fools errand if you think you can bring them around to doing more further down the track.

On the other hand you could end your marriage and seek sex with others instead who may be more willing than your wife. Or cheat on her to get oral sex if that is more your thing.



Paul55 said:


> We need to set aside time to do it I guess. I can sometimes persuade her to get on top.


That doesn't sound like you're bothered to do it much either. Seriously if you want more sex, you need to be more sexual and not just sit back and hope for it.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Personal said:


> If you want sex to be better and more often. You would do well to be more sexual, less boring and get your wife aroused (massage mostly puts people to sleep) before climbing on top of her.


I tried that myself, for example my wife told me her personal trainer (a woman! ha) cancelled her sessions because of Covid so I replied well you can practice your squats on me if you'd like and she replied no you're ok I know how to work out thank you very much.




Personal said:


> Try not to be too passive, dull and predictable and initiate more frequently and show more desire.


The problem in this situation is the more you get rejected the more passive you get. If you're rejected 10 times over 4-5 weeks for sex (in my case) what else are you going to do apart from prepare for the exit.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Paul55 said:


> Hi. I’m 55 and my wife is 47 and we aren’t having much sex anymore. It’s been made worse by having children constantly at home due to lockdown. The last time we had sex was a month ago and we just have straight missionary. She doesn’t touch me down there at all. I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it. She doesn’t like me giving her oral - that only happens when we’re drunk and I just do it and basically make her accept it and she enjoys that. She doesn’t give me oral and never has. I really love her but want sex to be better and more often.
> Any thoughts/advice welcome.


Do you ever do things to show her she is special? Communication? Do you discuss your Bedroom situation and how Each of you think it could be better?

I gather from you posts there is more going on behind the scenes. What you describe is not normal by any means.

I would encourage you strongly to consider reading articles by Dr. John Gottman. Also, go to his site and order “Gottman Cards” you can also download them for free to an iPhone or iPad. Great tools for improving conversation and communication. It sounds like that is where the problem lies.

Feel to PM Me if you need more information.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Here is some unconventional advice that is likely to work....it's usually fool proof...

To women, IME, the most desirable man is the one that is desired by other women...Take a look at yourself...overweight? Out of shape? No longer grooming and dressing like you once did, etc? 

To each their own, but I don't think any books, discussion or counseling will have much if any effect...if it worked for others, great, but just one man's opinion, you can't get someone to desire you by these methods...Its more "intangible" than that....

Anyway, if I were you, I wouldn't say anything to her about it, but I would get a doctors appt scheduled and request a testosterone screening...Find a doctor that understands the importance of this at your age and doesn't just blow you off...Correct that if needed...Then start to work out more(of if you don't at all start doing it)...Less cardio and more strength/weight training....Lose weight if you have extra pounds...Take a hard look at yourself and address concerns about appearance...I don't know if it's the case for you, but a lot of my like aged friends are all so beat down and horrible looking(too fat/beer gut, missing some teeth, don't groom or dress well, etc)..Many of them claim that their wives aren't interested in them anymore, or the sex is kind of how you described it....I don't say anything, but it's pretty obvious what's happening...

If you are doing all of these things already and the issue still remains, then you may have to take a different approach, but if you aren't I suggest you give it some consideration...You will feel better about yourself and she will likely notice and the sex will likely improve on many levels.. Particularly if other women or her friends start to notice or compliment you...


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> I tried that myself, for example my wife told me her personal trainer (a woman! ha) cancelled her sessions because of Covid so I replied well you can practice your squats on me if you'd like and she replied no you're ok I know how to work out thank you very much.


Saying that was hardly going to make your wife get significantly aroused for mounting her for penetration. @Paul55 If you want to get your wife sexually aroused for penetration, I encourage you to not follow the above example.



BIL310 said:


> The problem in this situation is the more you get rejected the more passive you get. If you're rejected 10 times over 4-5 weeks for sex (in my case) what else are you going to do apart from prepare for the exit.


Poppycock!

If someone is inclined to be passive, they will be passive because that is inherently the way they roll. Unless they are mindful of such behaviour, and strive to avoid doing it.

Through the past 5 weeks my wife has also rejected my sexual advances on at least 10 occasions. Yet I still enjoyed sharing penetrative sex with my wife on 32 occasions during that time period as well.

In part because I didn't stop wanting to have sex with her, nor did I sulk about it, nor did I give up, nor did I become passive, nor did I play silly games with her, nor did I hide my sexuality and nor did I prepare for the exit.

What I did do, was tell my wife things like the following; "It's your loss since you aren't getting any". Okay, then I'll bang you bow legged later", on and on etc.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Paul55 said:


> I can make her cum when I do it otherwise she doesn’t orgasm. She gets embarrassed about it so normally doesn’t let me go down.


Imagine a scenario where you are not really in the mood and your wife from one moment to the next chooses to do something awkward that compels you to orgasm. Take the idea of that and really try to imagine it. The something awkward can be anything, but just imagine something that would make you feel awkward. 

Now let's shift gears into the BDSM world. It is a common practice for people that want to inflict pain onto others to do so by robbing them of pleasure. In this situation a dominate person forces a slave to orgasm in a rather uncomfortable way as to minimize any pleasure and to destroy that person's desire for more. When done correctly the slave will beg for an orgasm, just to make it end and be over. 

Now let's shift back to your ability to make your wife cum and just accept the way in which you decide to make that happen for her. Do you think you may want to reconsider compelling her to orgasm?

When I first started reading this forum, the main complaint that I noticed from many women was that men have sensitive egos. If his woman doesn't climax, for some reason he can't handle that emotionally. Many husbands when having sex with their wives will try every trick in the book to compel her to orgasm regardless of if she is in the mood or not. *This is why so many wives choose to just fake it. * 

I would recommend that you should instead work on making a strong emotional connection with your wife when you have physical intimacy. If one or both of you has an orgasm then that is great and if not that is OK as well. Some folks even turn the tables and try to not have an orgasm and enjoy failing at that. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Personal said:


> Saying that was hardly going to make your wife get significantly aroused for mounting her for penetration. @Paul55 If you want to get your wife sexually aroused for penetration, I encourage you to not follow the above example.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes but did she turn you down ten times in a row?

And if she didn’t but at some point in the future did are you saying you’d keep plugging away until you got the go ahead?


----------



## Johnny Mac (Feb 2, 2021)

Paul55 said:


> Hi. I’m 55 and my wife is 47 and we aren’t having much sex anymore. It’s been made worse by having children constantly at home due to lockdown. The last time we had sex was a month ago and we just have straight missionary. She doesn’t touch me down there at all. I massage her and then after a few minutes I climb on top and we do it. She doesn’t like me giving her oral - that only happens when we’re drunk and I just do it and basically make her accept it and she enjoys that. She doesn’t give me oral and never has. I really love her but want sex to be better and more often.
> Any thoughts/advice welcome.


Man we’re in the same boat except I’m 43 and she’s 40


----------

