# Is there something wrong with me?



## NewlywedSA (Jun 16, 2015)

I'm new to this and have never posted before so please bear with me. My husband and I have been married for 7 months now so we are extreme newlyweds. We are both in our early 20's but have been together for 6 years and feel that we both see ourselves with each other till death.

I was raised in a family where I washed the dishes, did the laundry, cooked, basic household stuff. My family is wealthy but humble as I was never raised to depending on money. My husband however has had a more lazy upbringing. His family are average earning people but he never had to lift a finger with regards to household chores. 

The main thing that we always fight about, as you may have guessed, is who does the chores in our house...

As states before, we are both young and therefore are starting out in life and therefore cannot afford help around the house. I do majority of the chores because I know What it is like to leave a mess for too long and regret it. I try to make a statement by leaving things undone to show how gross it is to live in a pigsty but he doesn't seem to be bothered. I have to have a mental breakdown before he will do something to help out. He will then do so for a short period and decline again.

I understand that he has a 9 to 5 job which leave him exhausted aftewards and I have a job which is from 1 to 6. But surely I should not be "punished " for having a good job? A job which took me 6 years to get after slaving away in the hospitality industry where I worked like a dog all day everyday. 

He has always been like this and he calls it a character flaw but I seriously cannot see how being so lazy in a mature relationship can be so. Why can he work so hard at work but come home and not care? 

I get so depressed over this Obviously stupid issue which we fight over constantly... I'm exhausted. I need him to see that he needs to pick up his act. I also do the grocery shopping and earn more than him and cook and clean and take out the trash and pay the bills. 

I don't want to be another divorce statistic or your typical "she got married too young" case... 

How can I fix this?

We can't afford counselling 

Thanks in advance


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## NewlywedSA (Jun 16, 2015)

Might I add that he thinks he might be ADD and if he is could this be the reason for his actions? And if so, will meds help him change?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

So you work part time and he works full time? Is it just you two in the house? If so, how in the world can your house get that messy? I mean, if no one is there...who messes it up? You're home longer than he is during the day. It doesn't matter that you work part time, the chores should be split 50/50 (or if you're working less hours than he is, you should pitch in a little more). It doesn't matter who makes more money. That dynamic of "I make more than you so I don't have to do more at home" doesn't help anyone. The BOTH of you live in that house and contribute to it getting dirty. 

In the long run, it's going to help your marriage for you two to find a compromise. Alternate days on who does the dishes. Make a chore chart if you have to. Make a rule that whatever you mess up has to be cleaned up before bed time. 

What kind of messes are we talking about here - because people have different views of clean - and I'm curious as to what kind of messes two adults can make. 

When I was younger I used to stress about my H leaving a cup out or his chip bag on the table and not throwing it away. Turns out, it takes all of like 2 seconds to throw the bag of chips in the trash and put the cup in the dishwasher. It's not a big deal, doesn't take that much time, and it's not worth the fight. 

If you're talking about piles of dishes in the sink, laundry all over the floor, and food spread across all of your counters...then yea, that's a problem...but if you're mad about a coke can, cup, a bed not made or something small....you're going to have to learn to let those things slide eventually.


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## NewlywedSA (Jun 16, 2015)

Yes it is only us. We have one sink and it is small so if dishes are not washed as they are used then it times up ridiculously fast. He leave chip packets and sweet wrappers lying around. Yes it does take two seconds to pick it up and throw it away, but if I'm the only one doing this it becomes tedious. We have a dog so hair is everywhere in our house and requires vacuuming. Dust gathers. There is always something dirty. Yea two adults don't make a great deal of mess but if only one is cleaning it and having to do other things As well it gets ridiculous? 

And with regards to the money thing, he used to earn more than me and always made sure that he brought in majority of the money so I had to level it out by doing more housework. 

He is making this a huge issue. He always has excuses. He has to go to gym he can't do dishes. He is tired he can't so washing. He has had a bad day he can't cook. Surely if someone professes to love you they would try ease the load?

Also, when I worked in hospitality I came home at 7 at night and still had to do everything before leaving at 6 again in the morning. I worked weekend and holidays to get in extra money to help with our finances yet he couldn't be bothered to do extra work to do the same. And again. He spends the weekends doing nothing. I work weekends and have to cone home to him not having lifted a finger the entire day


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## verifax (Jun 16, 2015)

I can see why you are getting resentful.

He's not going to change, and you're just going to get increasingly more angry and frustrated.

I'm sorry but I don't see this ending well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He works 8 hours a day and you work 5. Neither of you are galley slaves, but he is working 40 hours a week, compared to your 25. If you worked alone on the house 15 hours, you two would be just be breaking even. Doesn't matter what you did before you were married. You are supposed to be a team, now. He needs to be giving 100% and so should you. As a practical matter, however, until you have exceeded 15 hours of housework in a week, you haven't equaled the quantity of labor he performs outside the home. The two very real problems I see are your statements regarding his lazy upbringing and about you earning more than he does. Those are signs of disrespect and love does not exist without respect. It sounds as if you don't have much respect for his parents. You mentioned his lazy upbringing. His upbringing was his parents' business and you apparently don't think they were very good at it.
If you are completely honest with yourself you might find you may be more materialistic than you realize and you may equate wealth with industry and minimal pay with laziness. By your own admission, you worked long, hard hours to eventually get where you are and presumably, you weren't paid vast sums while you were in the trenches. You were the same person then as you are today, aren't you? You just happen to make a little more money these days. That could change tomorrow. People value what they value and if you seriously believe you've got a guy with poor character, you might as well ditch him and find one you can respect and be proud to partner beside. Maybe you can't respect a guy unless he earns as much or more than you. No shame in that, just be honest about who you are and what's important to you. 
If I only worked 5 hours a day and my wife worked eight, she'd be coming home to a clean house, a meal, and a pleasant welcome. She wouldn't be trudging home, anticipating drama and hostility. How is he supposed to be successful if even his own wife doesn't respect him? You have a lot of influence over how he feels about himself. If he feels like a loser, that's who you've got. If he feels like a winner, you will eventually have one. Guys are ego-driven. Bust his testicles and you won't get anything good from him. Praise him, brag about him, and he'll try to give you more reasons to brag about him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This isn't really about how many hours you each put in during the week. It's about respect. A person who leaves empty chip packets, gum wrappers, and dirty clothes on the floor is a person who doesn't respect who and how things get cleaned. 

Even as a SAHM I wouldn't tolerate picking up after my H. He, thankfully, was raised to tidy up on his own and I have never ever had to pick up his dirty clothes, throw away his trash, or even put the seat down! Because he demonstrated a modicum of respect for the fact that I did all the chores, I did not feel resentful on that issue. Also, my rule was I cook you clean. 

So what do you do? Stop tidying behind him. 

First you tell him how you feel about his lack of respect toward the smooth running of the home. Remind him you are NOT him Mommy and will NOT tidy up after him. Agree that since you work less hours than he does, you will do more chores, but you will not be his maid, mommy and wife!

Second, you're going to have to let some things go. You have to blend standards. Your standards may be reasonable for you, but may be totally unreasonable for him. Discover where your two standards deviate and seek compromise.

Third, agree on expectations. What does he expect from himself and from you. What do you expect from him and from yourself. Seek agreement through compromise. This is not a win/lose situation. This is finding a way to work together. So whatever you agree on, you both have to buy into it fully! Maybe the dishes can pile up for a day and you both wash and dry them together? Maybe he gathers the laundry and sorts it for washing, (personally I would caution you to ensure he reads the labels on the clothing!)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Gosh....I'm a 9-5er that does dishes, lawn, clean bathrooms and other chores around the house. Your H should share the chores. That simple. He left his mama at home. You are not his mama. Big boys help with chores.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You've lived with him for 6 years before you married him. You know what he's like. You can either live in this environment or leave. So, what changed for you?

If you continue with your resentment and he continues being lazy, your marriage will fail. You'll both dislike each other in the long run. Cut the gym fees, start walking or jogging together so that you could afford a marriage counselor. At the rate you're going, you badly needed one to make this marriage work.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I sit somewhere between AP and unbelievable on this. I think they're both right.

My recommendation is a realistic assessment of the workload and setting expectations.

#1... garbage goes in the garbage. Dishes go in the sink. Like a grown up.

#2... blue jobs and pink jobs that is an equitable distribution of effort based on the big picture. He works 15 hours a week more than you do, so you probably need to pick up the slack. But this doesn't mean picking up after him like he's 15. 

When my wife wanted to stay home to raise the kids we had a heart-to-heart talk about distributing the workload differently. She basically started taking care of everything inside the house, me out, with caveats around heavy things and bugs. Now that she works part-time, it's somewhat shifted back.

But even when she wasn't working at all, and the kids were in school and she had most of the day to herself, if I left a doritos bag on the couch, I'd probably find it stuffed in my next sammich, you know?

Play to your strengths.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> He works 8 hours a day and you work 5. Neither of you are galley slaves, but he is working 40 hours a week, compared to your 25. If you worked alone on the house 15 hours, you two would be just be breaking even. Doesn't matter what you did before you were married. You are supposed to be a team, now. He needs to be giving 100% and so should you. As a practical matter, however, until you have exceeded 15 hours of housework in a week, you haven't equaled the quantity of labor he performs outside the home. The two very real problems I see are your statements regarding his lazy upbringing and about you earning more than he does. Those are signs of disrespect and love does not exist without respect. It sounds as if you don't have much respect for his parents. You mentioned his lazy upbringing. His upbringing was his parents' business and you apparently don't think they were very good at it.
> If you are completely honest with yourself you might find you may be more materialistic than you realize and you may equate wealth with industry and minimal pay with laziness. By your own admission, you worked long, hard hours to eventually get where you are and presumably, you weren't paid vast sums while you were in the trenches. You were the same person then as you are today, aren't you? You just happen to make a little more money these days. That could change tomorrow. People value what they value and if you seriously believe you've got a guy with poor character, you might as well ditch him and find one you can respect and be proud to partner beside. Maybe you can't respect a guy unless he earns as much or more than you. No shame in that, just be honest about who you are and what's important to you.
> If I only worked 5 hours a day and my wife worked eight, she'd be coming home to a clean house, a meal, and a pleasant welcome. She wouldn't be trudging home, anticipating drama and hostility. How is he supposed to be successful if even his own wife doesn't respect him? You have a lot of influence over how he feels about himself. If he feels like a loser, that's who you've got. If he feels like a winner, you will eventually have one. Guys are ego-driven. Bust his testicles and you won't get anything good from him. Praise him, brag about him, and he'll try to give you more reasons to brag about him.


I understand what you are talking about in regards of a difference in working hours, then again, from what was explained, gym takes priority over dishes, food wrappers are left where snack was eaten, and it looks like he is a bigger mess generator. I bet you if he would pick up things after he is done, there would be a less mess left for her to clean, and therefore less points of tension. I am not sure when kids are start coming, will he be a help she can count on? I would hold off bringing kids into this world for a while. See if you can convince him to be more involved into household maintenance. If no change, you know what to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

life_huppens said:


> I understand what you are talking about in regards of a difference in working hours, then again, from what was explained, gym takes priority over dishes, food wrappers are left where snack was eaten, and it looks like he is a bigger mess generator. I bet you if he would pick up things after he is done, there would be a less mess left for her to clean, and therefore less points of tension. I am not sure when kids are start coming, will he be a help she can count on? I would hold off bringing kids into this world for a while. See if you can convince him to be more involved into household maintenance. If no change, you know what to do.


Naturally, if either of them left, there would be less mess generated. If he throws his hands up and files for divorce, the mess he generates would leave with him. If he got ran over by a cement truck and died, he would generate fewer dirty clothes, fewer dirty dishes. Lots of spouses wish they could still pick up after their mate. 

If kids come along, will he be a help? The man works 40 hours a week and, presumably, he shares his wages with her. I expect he would also share his earnings with his kids. If he's like most husbands and fathers, his wife and kids would consume practically all of his earnings for decades. There are loads of single mothers who get nothing but impregnated by men. 

Whoever this man is, he isn't perfect because no man on earth is. Also, whatever flaws he has, he would be adored, respected, and appreciated by a great many women. If she isn't one of those women, she can toss him back. He'll lay around in her reject pile about a day or two before he catches someone's interest (if that long). The country is chock full of single and divorced women and mothers. The country won't even notice one more. She can be unhappy she hasn't found Mr. Perfect or she can be grateful she found one of the dwindling number of men who actually work and are interested in being married.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Naturally, if either of them left, there would be less mess generated. If he throws his hands up and files for divorce, the mess he generates would leave with him. If he got ran over by a cement truck and died, he would generate fewer dirty clothes, fewer dirty dishes. Lots of spouses wish they could still pick up after their mate.
> 
> If kids come along, will he be a help? The man works 40 hours a week and, presumably, he shares his wages with her. I expect he would also share his earnings with his kids. If he's like most husbands and fathers, his wife and kids would consume practically all of his earnings for decades. There are loads of single mothers who get nothing but impregnated by men.
> 
> Whoever this man is, he isn't perfect because no man on earth is. Also, whatever flaws he has, he would be adored, respected, and appreciated by a great many women. If she isn't one of those women, she can toss him back. He'll lay around in her reject pile about a day or two before he catches someone's interest (if that long). The country is chock full of single and divorced women and mothers. The country won't even notice one more. She can be unhappy she hasn't found Mr. Perfect or she can be grateful she found one of the dwindling number of men who actually work and are interested in being married.


With this logic, why would any man / woman get better or improve themselves or wish their mate improved themselves? There are plenty of fish in the sea, why bother. But then again, he could be a really good husband and she is the one with exciding requirements, who knows? Yes he works 40 hours, I am working 55 hours and make less then my wife, who works 40 hours, how do we divide % of house chores?


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

I feel you. Very similar situation here. I grew up with daily and weekly chores, he didn't. We've been living together 6 years, late twenties, dog fur for days. He currently works more hours than me. Because he does work more, and he's just so blissfully unaware of his own gross mess, I suck it up and do 100% of the cleaning. I went through a lot of resentment before I was at peace but in the end getting mad was more of an energy suck than cleaning the whole house myself. To reach this zen state of acceptance don't focus on that it's HIS mess. You have to be in the mindset that the house is messy, time to clean. (And he's pretty awful, will leave dirty napkins laying on the carpet, take off his used sweaty socks and put them on the couch, etc)

The reason I came to terms with doing all the cleaning is because he has very few character flaws. He does everything else like a normal adult so I figure this is the one way he's not perfect. I see a clean and orderly house as a labor of love so we can enjoy our off hours together. 

...But if we have kids mark my words. they will know what it's like to have a chore board and dust every week.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

life_huppens said:


> With this logic, why would any man / woman get better or improve themselves or wish their mate improved themselves? There are plenty of fish in the sea, why bother. But then again, he could be a really good husband and she is the one with exciding requirements, who knows? Yes he works 40 hours, I am working 55 hours and make less then my wife, who works 40 hours, how do we divide % of house chores?


People aren't projects. We marry the person standing beside us, not the person we hope to make out of them in the future. Since none of us are perfect, do we have any right to expect perfect behavior from the person we marry? 

There is no indication that this man is suddenly functioning far differently than he always has. She selected him. She married him. Why is the character she married now a problem? He could be better but the same could be said for everyone with a pulse. 

Mathematically, he has vastly more potential mates to choose from than she does. I realize that doesn't sound politically correct but it happens to be a fact which can't be seriously disputed. There are lots of struggling, older, single women who used to have husbands who just didn't quite meet all their lofty expectations. I expect many wish they could go back in time and do things differently.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

There isn't anything "wrong" with you - but there may be expectations you have that aren't necessarily "fair". I'll note that word is entirely subjective, and therefore relatively without meaning. You and your SO were raised differently - and therefore have different outlooks on cleanliness. Having been through this exact issue with my wife (I'm the messy one), I may have some insights from the other side. Please read with an open mind.

1.) YOUR requirements for cleanliness are not being met. His are. So you are making your personal problem with cleanliness into more work for him. This is NOT to say "he's right lady, pick up after him". This is for you to recognize that imposition of YOUR cleanliness standards is a requirement for change on his part to give you what YOU want. Usually this is accomplished in the civilized world through some form of bargaining. A chore chart or his/her understanding is the best way to go about it, but you must understand that the driver for cleanliness will always be you. Always. Forever. You accepted that a long time ago when you married him. Again - divide the work, recognize you're asking him to move towards your standards and away from his, and then hold him accountable to what he agrees to. 

2.) This IS small problem. How do I know this? Because from the sounds of it, you've made it this far in the relationship with dumping the "dirty" guy - and therefore have found the basic equation of spousal value to equal him as a plus. It becoming an issue now suggests there is more going on. As I have noted before in my own relationship, minor issue suddenly *seeming* important usually means something larger is wrong, and the mind has latched onto the minor issue as a means of trying to pinpoint the issue (incorrectly). Have you been fighting more recently? Recent increase in some stress level? Worried about children, wanting to have some? Fight the actual issues, and leave the minutiae at the level of importance it belongs at (but still do #1!)

It took me a long time to get on board with my wife's cleanliness habits, and I'll fully admit I'm still not to her level. With that being said, I make it a point to try and do my part, cook frequently, help with/do laundry, and generally recognize all of the effort that my wife puts in to make our home/life clean and great.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This certainly won't be an easy fix, and I agree with ET1 above about most of it. I don't necessarily think that there might be a larger issue though. Once you get to a certain point in a marriage, the 'little' things you previously brushed off because you were trying to please your partner start to fester until you get to the point that you feel like something HAS to be done. You can't live with it that way any longer. It's like a cancer in a relationship, at first it's hardly noticeable, but it just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Be ready and committed to a long and exhausting run of arguments and irritation about this subject before any sort of improvement is made for the long term, if then. You both need to move your positions in order to meet somewhere in the middle. You will both be resistant to that and so it won't be easy.

First things first, I would suggest that you read some books, like "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Getting the Love You Want". This will help you get through these bad points with hope and a more positive attitude. It'll give you the tools you need to make your communication more effective.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Naturally, if either of them left, there would be less mess generated. If he throws his hands up and files for divorce, the mess he generates would leave with him. If he got ran over by a cement truck and died, he would generate fewer dirty clothes, fewer dirty dishes. Lots of spouses wish they could still pick up after their mate.
> 
> If kids come along, will he be a help? The man works 40 hours a week and, presumably, he shares his wages with her. I expect he would also share his earnings with his kids. If he's like most husbands and fathers, his wife and kids would consume practically all of his earnings for decades. There are loads of single mothers who get nothing but impregnated by men.
> 
> Whoever this man is, he isn't perfect because no man on earth is. Also, whatever flaws he has, he would be adored, respected, and appreciated by a great many women. If she isn't one of those women, she can toss him back. He'll lay around in her reject pile about a day or two before he catches someone's interest (if that long). The country is chock full of single and divorced women and mothers. The country won't even notice one more. She can be unhappy she hasn't found Mr. Perfect or she can be grateful she found one of the dwindling number of men who actually work and are interested in being married.


I'll bet that she is also sharing her income with him.

The country is also full of single/divorced men.

So she should work, bring in more money than he, clean house, cook, pick up after him and be grateful? Really?

He has at least as much to be grateful for in her than she in him.

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are a couple of books that I think will help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

What things besides picking up his snack wrappers do you do for him? Do you do his laundry for example.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The income and asset poverty rate varies by marital status among elderly women. In the United States, the share of elderly women living in poverty is highest among divorced or separated women (37 percent), followed by widowed women (28 percent), never-married women (22 percent), and married women (10 percent).

I completely realize it's very trendy to think there are no real differences between the sexes. Though trendy, it's also bovine scatology. 

In 2013, some 64% of eligible men had remarried, compared with 52% of women. 

Men and women’s attitudes about marrying for the first time are not different among young adults. But among never-married adults ages 30 to 50, men (27%) are more likely than women (8%) to say they do not want to marry. Pew (2013)

The poverty rate for adult women exceeds that of adult men in all 50 states. 
Adult Poverty Rate by Gender | The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

NewlywedSA said:


> Yes it is only us. We have one sink and it is small so if dishes are not washed as they are used then it times up ridiculously fast. He leave chip packets and sweet wrappers lying around. Yes it does take two seconds to pick it up and throw it away, but if I'm the only one doing this it becomes tedious. We have a dog so hair is everywhere in our house and requires vacuuming. Dust gathers. There is always something dirty. Yea two adults don't make a great deal of mess but if only one is cleaning it and having to do other things As well it gets ridiculous?
> 
> And with regards to the money thing, he used to earn more than me and always made sure that he brought in majority of the money so I had to level it out by doing more housework.
> 
> ...


Once the dishes pile up in the sink, there is nowhere to wash the dishes. Attempting to do so gets awkward. Vicious circle. I really like having an automatic dishwasher.

Environment be damned, use paper plates once in a while. Doesn't have to be every night, just when you guys need a reprieve. I take it an automatic dishwasher isn't an option.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The income and asset poverty rate varies by marital status among elderly women. In the United States, the share of elderly women living in poverty is highest among divorced or separated women (37 percent), followed by widowed women (28 percent), never-married women (22 percent), and married women (10 percent).
> 
> I completely realize it's very trendy to think there are no real differences between the sexes. Though trendy, it's also bovine scatology.
> 
> ...


NO one, man or woman, should put up with crap in a marriage because of statistics. People do not live by statistics. For many women it's better to be single than to be in a marriage where they feel used, disrespected, unloved, etc.

The OP is not a woman who would end up with poverty as compared to her husband as she earns more than he.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> There is no indication that this man is suddenly functioning far differently than he always has. She selected him. She married him. Why is the character she married now a problem? He could be better but the same could be said for everyone with a pulse.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> You got a point there. Or perhaps she was expecting him to change / be trained over time. It looks like there no change and this becomes resentment point. Ether way, if OP is on this forum, then it is a big issue for her, and bringing child into this world is not going to make situation better. I would say she need to make a decision and preferably sooner rather than later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think it matters if her husband was messy and did not help in the past. People change and their needs change. 

Marriage is not about two people refusing to change over the years. It's about the two of them working together to navigate the good, the bad and the changes. That's what makes a marriage strong. 

Stone walling and refusing to grow and meet your spouse's needs is what destroys marriage.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think it matters if her husband was messy and did not help in the past. People change and their needs change.
> 
> Marriage is not about two people refusing to change over the years. It's about the two of them working together to navigate the good, the bad and the changes. That's what makes a marriage strong.
> 
> *Stone walling and refusing to grow and meet your spouse's needs is what destroys marriage.*


Or stonewalling and changing the accepted behaviors and declaring them "needs" is what destroys a marriage. 

See what I did there? 

Demanding your needs be met isn't making a marriage strong either. Is this the advice you give the men who are dealing with LD wives? 

The key is teamwork, communication, and commitment to each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ET1SSJonota said:


> Or stonewalling and changing the accepted behaviors and declaring them "needs" is what destroys a marriage.
> 
> See what I did there?



This is true. That's why people talk, communicate and negotiate.

There is no teamwork in the OP's marriage. 



ET1SSJonota said:


> Demanding your needs be met isn't making a marriage strong either. Is this the advice you give the men who are dealing with LD wives?


Do you really believe that people should stay in a marriage in which some very important needs are not being met and their spouse refuses to meet them?

Did you use that example because you assume that women are LD so it was a gott'cha?

No where did I way that anyone should demand that their spouse meet their needs. So I don't know what bag you pulled that word out of.

The advice I give in a marriage in which one spouse is LD and the other HD, regardless of which is LD/HD is that they talk to their spouse about their needs. If their spouse will not meet their needs then they have to decide if they can stay in a marriage with a spouse who refuses to meet reasonable needs. If they can, fine. If they cannot then they leave the marriage. No demanding, ever.

That is exactly what I did in my marriage to a man who ended up LD and refused to meet any of my needs, sexual and any other. He was a lot like the OP's husband too in that he refused to do anything to help with the house, yard or the children. I demanded nothing. Instead we had several talks about it, he said all the right things and then made no changes. I did decide what my boundaries are and acted accordingly. I divorced him.



ET1SSJonota said:


> The key is teamwork, communication, and commitment to each other.


Yes it's teamwork. But the fact is that there are some people who marry with no desire to be part of a team.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I used the LD example because rarely do I see female posters suggesting that LD women should just meet their husband's needs. I do not assume all women are LD, I know some are, some aren't. 

We'll both agree that plenty of people don't intend to be part of a team. I'll throw in that sometimes, just sometimes, that includes the person who is making a new "need" demand, even if they are female. I would suggest that in this case, there is some form of compromise born of discussion and cooperation, just like I would suggest in a LD/HD scenario. No one would just suggest that the LD wife just "meet" his needs - but that seems to be what people are suggesting OPs husband should do - completely capitulate how HE is and always has been in favor of "meeting her needs". And I can't condone it any more than someone suggesting that an LD wife should just please her husband whenever he wants even if she doesn't want to. 

We agree on the overall basics. I'm suggesting you soften the rigid support for condemning the husband in this case.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ET1SSJonota said:


> I used the LD example because rarely do I see female posters suggesting that LD women should just meet their husband's needs. I do not assume all women are LD, I know some are, some aren't.


Here on TAM, most women do tell LD women that they need to meet their husband's sexual needs. They are not told to do duty sex. Instead we try to help them find a way to up their desire for sex with their husbands. Sometimes there are problems in the marriage that have to be fixed first. Going to the doctor, sex therapists and other things are often suggested.

There are also a lot of women on TAM who are HD married to LD or ND men. After all, men choose to make their marriages sexless as often as women do. It's about equal with about 20% of marriages being sexless. This is something that a lot of women deal with, always have dealt with.


ET1SSJonota said:


> We'll both agree that plenty of people don't intend to be part of a team. I'll throw in that sometimes, just sometimes, that includes the person who is making a new "need" demand, even if they are female. I would suggest that in this case, there is some form of compromise born of discussion and cooperation, just like I would suggest in a LD/HD scenario. No one would just suggest that the LD wife just "meet" his needs - but that seems to be what people are suggesting OPs husband should do - completely capitulate how HE is and always has been in favor of "meeting her needs". And I can't condone it any more than someone suggesting that an LD wife should just please her husband whenever he wants even if she doesn't want to.
> 
> We agree on the overall basics. I'm suggesting you soften the rigid support for condemning the husband in this case.


I have no idea where you get the idea that I’m talking about commanding the husband to do squat. This is your interpretation. It’s not what I said at all.

Men are told here to do the exact thing that I suggested to the OP about destabilizing the marriage and letting their wife know what they need in order to continue the marriage. There is nothing wrong with a person telling their spouse that they are profoundly unhappy in the marriage and if their spouse does not with them to change things, they are leaving the marriage.

I thing you completely miss the concept of “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs” and why I suggest it. It not about her or him demanding all sort of needs being met on demand. It’s about a couple communicating, identifying what each of them and negotiating who they will function in their marriage. The books give a couple a framework on which they can start talking and fixing things.

And yes, sometimes one of them will have to say that a particular need is a deal breaker if not met. It’s completely reasonable for a person to have a need (or needs) that if not met they will leave the marriage.

For some reason you seem to assume that because I am a woman I am telling a woman to demand that her husband meet her needs at the expense of his own. I suggest you read my posts with a more open mind.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why marry someone hoping to change them?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> NO one, man or woman, should put up with crap in a marriage because of statistics. People do not live by statistics. For many women it's better to be single than to be in a marriage where they feel used, disrespected, unloved, etc.
> 
> The OP is not a woman who would end up with poverty as compared to her husband as she earns more than he.


Everyone who wishes to remain married puts up with crap. Those who have to always have things their way end up on the highway. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that living with her isn't always Disneyworld for him, either. There are no perfect people lingering around waiting to fit into our life like a missing puzzle piece. Success is going to look like mutual acceptance of two flawed people by two flawed people. We all choose every day whether it's better to be single or married and we all know where the door is and how it operates. Just pointing out that if that sad exit occurs, he has more options than she likely does. He could probably be content living in a used travel trailer or on a buddy's couch. He could subsist on beer and baloney sandwiches and think life is just peachy. Could she? If he wasn't her cup of tea, it probably would have been a great idea to mention it before marriage. Has he significantly changed from the person she dated?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This thread is funny.

The men seem to be urging the OP to chill about housework and to recognize that since her H brings in most of the income she should expect to do most ALL of the housework.

While the women seem to be sympathizing with her feelings of being taken for granted and feeling like a maid. Because her H earns more, she should be grateful.

Pick up after your own damn self!

If he leaves trash around ignore it. Clothing on the floor doesn't get washed. If he leaves the sink a hairy mess after shaving, move his stuff into another bathroom and ignore it.

If her H cleaned up after himself, she wouldn't have a problem doing the lions share of the home care.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here is what you have to realize.

You have a strong need to keep your house and environment clean. Your husband does not have this need. You do not require motivation to clean the house. He does. He has to clean the house not because he wants to, but because you want him to. This often comes up in relation to sex. A wife has a bunch of kids and no longer feels sexual and stops wanting to have sex with her husband. 

Anyway there is something that everyone who ever gets married needs to learn in order to stay married successfully. Each person will have to do things that they are not self motivated to do in order to make their spouse feel loved and fulfilled. Each person will have to accept that there are some things my spouse does for me which are not easy for them because they are not wired to care about it, so when they demonstrate "trying" they are showing that they love and care about the other person.

Currently your husband does not have any idea that he can make you feel loved and fulfilled by keeping the house clean. Just like he can feel loved if you have sex with him (or some other emotional need he has). This is where he will find the motivation. In knowing that it is core to making you feel loved and core to you wanting to make him feel loved. And you will always have to go through this process in marriage whatever your age or situation.


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