# Husband wants to move



## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

I live with my husband and four children in a hot, dry climate, where summer temperatures regularly reach 100 degrees and above. I don’t love the heat but I was born here, so I tolerate it, and it’s only for a couple of months out of the year. My husband, on the other hand, is from a cold climate and he is miserable whenever temperatures rise above 68 or so (not kidding). So he complains all summer, and most of the spring and fall as well. When our kids were small we considered moving to a cooler part of the country but it never happened, so here we are.

Now, my kids go to an awesome school which is one of the best in our state and was extremely difficult to get into. My husband and I (or so I thought) believe strongly in the way this school educates kids, and our kids have great friends and great teachers and are very happy where they are. But just this weekend, my husband dropped a giant bomb on me. He wants to uproot our family and move the kids away from their wonderful school, their friends and everything they know, to a place where the cost of living is twice what it is here (we own a small business that barely earns enough money to support us where we live now) and he can give me no better reason than “I’m sick of living in this heat.”

I don't doubt that he is miserable when it's hot, but I think he should put the kids needs above his own. I’ve suggested a compromise of moving to a higher elevation (we’re in the foothills and would still be close to our school) and maybe to a house with better A/C and insulation, but he just wants to leave. And I haven't even brought up the fact that I would hate to be where he wants to go—I hate city living, I hate traffic, any house we would be able to afford would be tiny (if we could afford one at all) and I wouldn't be happy there. If it was in the best interests of the kids, though, I would do it, but I don't think it is. We've always said we wouldn't want to raise our kids in a big city and suddenly he doesn't seem to care about that any more.

I have no doubt that he’d move with or without me, and I think there’s probably very little chance of talking him out of it. So now I have to decide whether I go along with his plan to disrupt our kids lives for what I think are entirely selfish reasons (and possibly end up a lot worse off financially than we are now), or if I stay here, break the family apart and let the kids continue to live the lives that they know. I don’t know which one would be worse for them—leaving their school and their friends or being left by their father. I would love some outside perspective. Is this worth ending a marriage over?


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Yes. If he doesn't love you enough to sit down and have a rational conversation, then he's a selfish prick and shouldn't have a family that depend on him. You are a team. You make joint decisions for the wellbeing of your family. Him, you and the kids. He can't make decisions based on irrational answers, without thinking of his entire family first. If he wants to be selfish, then tell him to go ahead. But he can be selfish alone. 

Let me clarify. It's not that he wants to move. Even just not being able to cope is a reason to want to move. However the way he's just doing it, and has no input at all with yourself.... Then that's a big problem in the relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Do your kids get to have a say in the decision?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He whines a great deal about the heat.

When he moves to the cooler city, what will he whine about, then? 

Is your business one that can transfer to a new location or not?

What would he do for work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

This sounds like something my husband would do as far as "out of the blue" but would then use his very persuasive powers to convince me it is the best thing for the family. However it appears from the way you describe his attitude that he is being somewhat of a jerk about it. So it seems if the marriage ends as a result it's not the reason for the marriage ending. Your husband wouldn't just up and leave his family over being too hot if he loved his kids and his wife. And you wouldn't tell him to leave without you if love and cherish him. You know that kids have turned out fine in just about every school district in this country if they have parents who support them and are active in their schooling. 

So is this the straw that broke the camels back for this marriage? As I said earlier my husband has presented some doozies for us to "decide" in which I ultimately gave in but neither one of us have ever threatened to end the marriage if we couldn't agree.

I hope you guys can work this out. Im not a proponent of ending a marriage and splitting up a family over something like this. I know most others would disagree but unless there is physical/sexual abuse or cheating I would do all I could to keep the marriage together.

Having said all that Matt has a good point. Does he have a plan for how the family will be supported? Will he find a job before relocation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think this is worth ending a marriage over, surely there is a compromise in there somewhere??

The way your husband is going about this is completely wrong - these things should be discussed between the two of you, until you can come up with a compromise that you're both happy with. Not sure the kids should get to decide on this...

Your suggestion of moving to a new place in the same area with better a/c seems reasonable, or perhaps you could get a better a/c in your current home? I hate the heat myself, and Aussie summers are brutal so I can sympathise with your hubby, lol. I'm revelling in Winter here right now, cold, rain, hail and windy - blo0dy beautiful, rofl!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Where did he come from and where do you all live now? What originally inspired him to move where you are now? What's he planning on doing with work?

If he truly complains about anything over 68 degrees, where is he planning on finding succor from that? 

I mean, Wisconsin can get downright arctic in the winter, but it's 87% humidity today and it's supposed to be 92 degrees.



> I hope you guys can work this out. Im not a proponent of ending a marriage and splitting up a family over something like this. I know most others would disagree but unless there is physical/sexual abuse or cheating I would do all I could to keep the marriage together.


I'm sorry, but we need a slightly higher standard than as long as you aren't being beaten or raped things are fine and power through it. Wanting to move your family with no financial plan into a worse financial situation to a place where the cost of living is way higher is kind of abusive. Feeling that your wife and children's desires hold no place is kind of abusive.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He might be bluffing. Your job is to provide stability for your kids. If he will move without you as you say, I would say fine if that's what you want to do then do it. But I am going to stay here in our home. If you find a house and a job that can support our family wherever you move to, then maybe I'll meet you there once hour stable. But you will not uproot your kids good stable life to be potentially homeless.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's been unhappy with the climate for years, he has told you as much, there were plans to move, yet you stayed there. Why? Why did the plans to move never come to fruition?

I live in a colder climate. When the temps go up in the summer, we reach around the high 90's to 100, but only for a few weeks or so. During that time, I pretty much go from AC house to AC car to AC businesses. It sucks! I feel almost caged because it's just too hot to go out and do anything but mandatory chores. And I try to do those either very quickly or in the late afternoon or early evening. I imagine I'd be fairly miserable and want to leave, too, if I couldn't spend time outside 3/4ths of the year due to the heat.

Midwestern states have nice cool spring and fall seasons, a cold winter, and a hot summer. Something for everyone! Turns out, we even have rural areas near cities that offer lower cost of living and access to the city for employment and education. I've heard we even have some excellent schools and some really nice kids running around for transplants to befriend.

If he wants to move to a cooler climate and you want to have your children in excellent schools with a more rural homelife, that is certainly possible. There are many rural areas with freeway access to larger cities that boast low crime, good city services, low cost of living, and excellent schools, both private and public. You just have to be willing to put in some time and research into figuring out which state to move to and then a specific target area within that state.

Your kids only have 1 father. They can make new friends and there are excellenst schools all over the nation.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm sorry, but we need a slightly higher standard than as long as you aren't being beaten or raped things are fine and power through it. Wanting to move your family with no financial plan into a worse financial situation to a place where the cost of living is way higher is kind of abusive. Feeling that your wife and children's desires hold no place is kind of abusive.


Although you gave your own interpretation to what I said, I did also say that " I know most others would disagree." I'm a proponent of honoring marriage vows if at all possible and not being in a marriage where divorce is always on the table to be thrown out there when things get difficult. If you choose to have a different attitude toward marriage, so be it.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

breeze said:


> Do your kids get to have a say in the decision?


No, he thinks that ultimately it won't matter to them, that kids have to move with their parents all the time and they will adjust. If they did get a say it, they would not want to leave ... therefore they don't get a say in it.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is your business one that can transfer to a new location or not?
> 
> What would he do for work?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our business is internet-based, so yes we could potentially pack up the entire warehouse and move it down there. But because it is internet based, it's not going to do any better just because it's in a new location. At the moment, we go weeks between paychecks because it doesn't earn enough to support us. Our bank account is constantly overdrawn, our credit cards are maxed and I'm always worrying about whether or not we can pay the mortgage on our very modest home. To buy something similar in size where he wants to go would cost about three times what we owe on our home right now, so we would essentially be leaving behind home ownership and moving all six of us into a tiny apartment somewhere. I brought this up and he says he doesn't care, the weather would make it all worthwhile.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> Where did he come from and where do you all live now? What originally inspired him to move where you are now? What's he planning on doing with work?
> 
> If he truly complains about anything over 68 degrees, where is he planning on finding succor from that?
> 
> I mean, Wisconsin can get downright arctic in the winter, but it's 87% humidity today and it's supposed to be 92 degrees.


He comes from the UK so he is used to cold, wet temperatures, though when I was there with him one summer it was pretty humid and miserable, so he can’t claim to have been in a place where it never gets hot. He originally moved to our state for work, but we started our business 10 years ago so in theory we could live anywhere, as long as we're earning enough to pay our bills.

He wants to move to the coast, where the temperatures in the summer don’t get above 75 degrees. Yes, that’s still too hot for him but that’s what he considers a compromise. A place that is cold in the spring, winter and fall but hot in the summer still wouldn’t make him happy because he wants to feel comfortable 365 days of the year. As for me, I can’t even imagine never feeling warm ever again, but I’m not even using my own opinion as a place to argue from.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like you've offered some alternatives that address the issue partially, but apparently these are not sufficient for what he feels he needs. Obviously, he should be considering your preferences, just as you should consider his.

Yes, the kids and their stability is important. However, if you were a military family or he were in certain professions, you'd have no choice but to move, and probably often. I've met many adults who were military brats, and they seem to be happy adults - no doubt some are not, and someone with more experience can address the issues better. Anyway, I think it is more about what you want and he wants, and not so much about the kids. They may have an opinion, but the decision is NOT theirs.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Does he have a plan to work a job in addition to the business you own? Is he aware that overdrafts and maxed credit cards means he will have a very difficult time finding a rental or a new mortgage? And by difficult, I really mean inpossible.

Would you be open to moving IF he cleans up the credit and either gets a job that can support the family comfortably or works a job to supplement the business income?


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> He's been unhappy with the climate for years, he has told you as much, there were plans to move, yet you stayed there. Why? Why did the plans to move never come to fruition?
> 
> I imagine I'd be fairly miserable and want to leave, too, if I couldn't spend time outside 3/4ths of the year due to the heat.


But his problem is that his body lacks the ability to regulate heat. He is miserable in temperatures that most people find comfortable. So yes he's unhappy 3/4ths of the year, but there really are only two months a year where a reasonable person would think it was unbearably hot. There are three or four more months where it is in the high 70s to mid 80s, and the rest of the year it's cold. 

When the kids were small we looked into moving away and even visited some places with the kind of climate that would make him happy, but he felt like the business wasn't doing well enough to make that kind of move yet. Now I feel like the opportunity has passed, our kids are established in their school now and we should stay here for them, plus the business is arguably doing even worse than it was when we were actually thinking about moving.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Midwestern states have nice cool spring and fall seasons, a cold winter, and a hot summer. Something for everyone!
> 
> If he wants to move to a cooler climate and you want to have your children in excellent schools with a more rural homelife, that is certainly possible. There are many rural areas with freeway access to larger cities that boast low crime, good city services, low cost of living, and excellent schools, both private and public. You just have to be willing to put in some time and research into figuring out which state to move to and then a specific target area within that state.
> 
> Your kids only have 1 father. They can make new friends and there are excellenst schools all over the nation.


And yet, he would never move to the midwest because the summers are too hot. It doesn't matter if it has something for everyone, he wants it to have something for only him. 

He has only one city in mind, so there will be no “research” into figuring out where to move. We’re going there, and that’s final.

Our school is part of a network of schools that have the same teaching philosophy, but the only school in the network that is reasonably close to where he wants to go is 30 miles inland, has average temperatures hotter than where we are now and is almost certainly only reachable via traffic-clogged freeways, so that’s out. I know there are many excellent schools outside the network, but we can’t afford private, we will probably be living in a crappy neighborhood based on what we earn and I’m fairly sure we won’t get our pick of schools. Even if we did, we worked so hard to get into the school we’re in now, I just can’t imagine giving that up for something with a teaching philosophy we don’t believe in, just for better weather.

All that said, it’s not like this isn’t something I’d be willing to discuss, but there’s no discussing with him. Last night when I tried to bring it up he accused me of being the selfish one, because I don’t care about his needs. He said this even despite the fact that he’s clearly thinking only of his own needs and no one else’s, yet I guess I’m the selfish one. 

I can’t have a rational conversation with him about anything. Whenever I try to argue a point, he gets mad and shuts down the conversation, with anything from “It’s pointless to talk about this right now” to the more extreme version of getting in his car and driving away so he won’t have to listen to my side of the debate.

I’m thinking of telling him I will only entertain the idea if we have the conversation in the office of a licensed marriage counselor. Otherwise there’s no way he’d even begin to think of me or the kids.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Does he have a plan to work a job in addition to the business you own? Is he aware that overdrafts and maxed credit cards means he will have a very difficult time finding a rental or a new mortgage? And by difficult, I really mean inpossible.
> 
> Would you be open to moving IF he cleans up the credit and either gets a job that can support the family comfortably or works a job to supplement the business income?


I might be open to it, if it was in the best interests of the kids. That would mean an excellent school, as good as or better than the one they’re in now, and it would mean they were already accepted into it (our school has a lottery system, so if we were moving here from somewhere else there would be no guarantee of getting in). It would also mean buying a house in a safe neighborhood, and it would have to be something we owned vs. rented. I don’t want to go backwards. If we were just going to move the business there, I’d have to see clear evidence that it’s doing well and can financially support us, which would mean a period of time without any missed paychecks—probably at least a year. Getting a second job would not be on the table. He works long hours running the small business and there’s no way he could do both. He could dissolve the business and get a programming job, but his skills are out of date after 10 years and I remember what he was like when he did work in that industry—he hated it, he wasn’t productive, and when he was between jobs he was so depressed that he wouldn’t even look for something new (he was once unemployed for over a year). 

Of course, I’ll never get to tell him all this because he shuts down every conversation we have that includes an opinion different from his own.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Well, then, offer him a deal. He has to get the business comfortably profitable and clean up your combined credit so that his dream of moving becomes financially realistic. 

Tell him your conditions. You'll move, but not to an area that has a high cost of living. So, he can pick climate, but he needs to find something affordable that meets your criteria. 

If he decides to leave anyway, can you support the kids on your own?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He can make a decision but that doesn't mean diddly squat if it's not agreed on by both of you. I think discussing it in front of a counsellor is a good idea, but that is not going to necessarily make him listen.

I think you should look into it again with an open mind (put aside your aversion to the idea and look into it as if it was definitely going to happen and you had to make it work), then document what you've found. Find out pricing of housing in the area, cost of school, cost of moving, cost of relocating the business (if that's even possible). 

Write it all down in a document with positives vs negatives and costs involved in a budget. This will show you are not dismissing him out of hand. Show that you are willing to look into the feasibility of this move.

If he refuses to look at it or if he disagrees with it but refuses to back that up with any research, then yes, I think it would be time to part ways.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

Just wanted to thank everyone for their replies and advice. I feel like I can look at this with a clear head now, and I am able to sleep at night again. I've got a good plan in place for talking it through when it comes up again. Thanks again.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's no affordable place on either coast that meets his requirements. Anything west coast is out as too expensive, anything east coast south of VA is too warm and north of VA too expensive, etc. He needs to be realistic.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I just want to float this as a possibility:

I've been known to whine about the heat from time to time. I live in an area where for at least 4 months out of the year, the average daytime highs top 90F. As I get older, I seem to have a tougher time working outside.

But that's all it is, me venting/whining. I don't have any serious plans to move, at least until I retire and even then I suspect we'll stay where the kids are. Could that be all that your H is doing?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I’m thinking of telling him I will only entertain the idea if we have the conversation in the office of a licensed marriage counselor. Otherwise there’s no way he’d even begin to think of me or the kids.


Counselor and _financial planner!_ Moving house and home is expensive, and it sounds like you don't have enough financial cushion to absorb that cost.

I understand how your husband feels, though. I hate all temperatures that aren't moderate - heat and cold equally make me want to hibernate San Francisco, where I lived for 7 years, was the _perfect_ city for me. I could even garden year round! But, it is one of the most expensive to live in, so definitely not ideal for a family that's already in financial trouble.


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

GTdad said:


> I just want to float this as a possibility:
> 
> I've been known to whine about the heat from time to time. I live in an area where for at least 4 months out of the year, the average daytime highs top 90F. As I get older, I seem to have a tougher time working outside.
> 
> But that's all it is, me venting/whining. I don't have any serious plans to move, at least until I retire and even then I suspect we'll stay where the kids are. Could that be all that your H is doing?


Well, that's what it's always been in the past. But he's gotten this recent idea from his friend who is planning to move down there for the same reason--because he doesn't like the heat, either. I think because his friend is actually doing it that he's gotten this idea that it can be more than just a pipe dream. And if he's got a friend down there, that makes it easier, too. But honestly I think some of the previous posters are correct--if he really sat down and looked at what's financially possible for us, he might realize it's not something we can afford to do. At the moment he's making a lot of noise about how he doesn't care if all six of us have to live in a postage-stamp sized studio apartment in a ****ty neighborhood because it's all we can afford because the pleasant temperatures will make it all worthwhile ... but when it's not 105 degrees outside anymore he might realize how completely insane that is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Those bank overdraft fees are costing you a bundle and could lead to the bank closing your account. You need to plan your cash flow to accommodate the lean times.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Skye, I read through the entire thread and I saw where you said that him taking a second job is not possible. Ok, I don't have issue with that. But what I didn't see is whether you are working or not. That particular question doesn't necessarily mean only he would have to work. And someone asked if you would be able to support yourself and the kids, should he decide to go, after all... You didn't respond. 

Your kids are in school all day. Your internet business is, arguably, floundering. You have overdrafts hanging over you. Your credit cards are maxed. He's frustrated. You're frustrated. But you only state that he is working... nothing about yourself. Are you working, and if not, is it possible for you to get a job to help with getting your finances back on track? This could be a large part of his concern, actually. And if you see a financial planner, as one poster suggested, this is something that is likely to be brought up.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

Maricha75 said:


> Skye, I read through the entire thread and I saw where you said that him taking a second job is not possible. Ok, I don't have issue with that. But what I didn't see is whether you are working or not. That particular question doesn't necessarily mean only he would have to work. And someone asked if you would be able to support yourself and the kids, should he decide to go, after all... You didn't respond.
> 
> Your kids are in school all day. Your internet business is, arguably, floundering. You have overdrafts hanging over you. Your credit cards are maxed. He's frustrated. You're frustrated. But you only state that he is working... nothing about yourself. Are you working, and if not, is it possible for you to get a job to help with getting your finances back on track? This could be a large part of his concern, actually. And if you see a financial planner, as one poster suggested, this is something that is likely to be brought up.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Sorry I did see that question and I forgot to respond. Yes, I am working. At the moment I am the only paycheck earner in our home. Most months, it is my income that pays the mortgage. Yes the finances worry him, but somehow he still thinks we will be able to move to a place where the cost of living is three times what it is here. I work from home so could continue my job if we moved, but my paycheck could not cover the cost of living where he wants to go.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SkyeBoat said:


> Sorry I did see that question and I forgot to respond. Yes, I am working. At the moment I am the only paycheck earner in our home. Most months, it is my income that pays the mortgage. Yes the finances worry him, but somehow he still thinks we will be able to move to a place where the cost of living is three times what it is here. I work from home so could continue my job if we moved, but my paycheck could not cover the cost of living where he wants to go.


Ok. Another thing to consider here... A financial planner may very well tell you both that your best option is to dissolve the business and he take an outside job. I know he hates it. I know it is not what he wants. Unfortunately, with you guys not able to keep even the *basics* from dragging you under, that may be his best option. You both need to prepare for that possibility. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## SkyeBoat (Jul 24, 2016)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok. Another thing to consider here... A financial planner may very well tell you both that your best option is to dissolve the business and he take an outside job. I know he hates it. I know it is not what he wants. Unfortunately, with you guys not able to keep even the *basics* from dragging you under, that may be his best option. You both need to prepare for that possibility.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I have been telling him that for years. The business at this point is just a money sucking pit of despair. But every time I suggest that maybe it's time to quit and move on to something else, he accuses me of not being supportive and not having any faith in him.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Jointly build a budget for how much it would take to live in the new locale with access to comparable schools / living standards. That will suggest some level of income that needs to be generated by the business. If he wants to move, he either has to demonstrate that business can operate at needed income level for six months, or he can find a job in the area that will account for the needed income.

In short, if he can make the money, you agree to go. 

Also, don't forget to point out that - if residential real estate is higher in cost - you likely also will incur higher costs for running business in the new locale, as well. Don't overlook that when building budget.

Are there more palatable options? Maybe a commitment to extended vacations in cool climates during the worst of the summer weather? Would it help to build a swimming pool that he could jump into on a regular basis? May not be great for a budget but better than a complete move.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SkyeBoat said:


> I have been telling him that for years. The business at this point is just a money sucking pit of despair. But every time I suggest that maybe it's time to quit and move on to something else, he accuses me of not being supportive and not having any faith in him.


His business appears to be a drain on the family's income which is depriving the family. At this point, you would be better off if he just shut the business down and didn't work at all. How much longer do you want to subsidize the business?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Maybe a commitment to extended vacations in cool climates during the worst of the summer weather?


If they are already underwater financially, I'm not sure how this would happen or work.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Correct me if I'm wrong but from reading through the thread I get the impression that your husband is a whiny man-child who is stubborn and not very bright. With great deal of effort you can perhaps change his mind about moving. But there is nothing you can do to make him grow a new brain. 

For the sake of the financial security of your family it is time to serve him with divorce papers. He can move to the "city" of his choice, but alone. Peter Griffin is funny because he's a cartoon. In real life, not so much. Lois should have dumped him years ago.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Since he's so averse to extreme heat; what decision making abilities allowed him to move to your current location? It doesn't sound like he has very good decision making abilities.




> I have no doubt that he’d move with or without me,


That's so flattering , he'd leave without his wife 


btw, if the city he's thinking of moving to is Seattle, he'd better have a wadload of money if he wants to have a decent place to live.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Eureka, CA would suit him weather wise and you could pick up a 3 or 4 bedroom house for $300-400,000. But, the school system is an unknown to me. And, the fog is interminable.


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