# Starting to Lose Sexual Interest in my Wife



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am new to this forum so hello to everyone.

First, I have the opposite problem of some on here. I have a very high sex drive. My wife has little to none. Her usual reasons are that she is too tired, too stressed, too busy, too whatever. She is now pregnant and wants it even less. Twice a month was the going rate before and now we are down to once every two months. As a result, I am starting to lose interest in her. I became aware of this the other night when she was naked and I could not have cared less. 

In my defense, I am constantly touching and kissing her. I do not do it to be sexual. I go out of my way to not be too busy for her. She seems to enjoy this aspect of it. However, come bedroom time she is uninterested. 

I will admit that I have been performing on myself a bit too often but not sure what other option there is. I try to initiate it at different times of the day. Try to be spontaneous about it but something is always in the way. We have been together for 7 years (married for 5) and she has been largely uninterested for half of it.

I have thought that maybe I need to find a way to just stop wanting it so much. I love her and we fit perfectly in every other way than this. Currently, I am making an effort to immerse myself in a hobby and see if that dulls my desire. Any suggestions?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

No real suggestions, but I feel your pain. Immersing yourself in other things will work short term, but if you don't find a long term solution it likely isn't going to end well. I have lost interest in my wife completely, it was a slow progression but its bad now. I tried things to fix it, but the main problems stayed front and center, and nothing has changed as far as what my needs are. 

Now, when mine was pregnant (3 times total, last time 14 years ago) I was much more understanding and I think all husbands need to be during that time, including quite a time past birth. You can expect relations to diminish.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

How pregnant is she? That could play a very large part in her lack of desire. Does she get sickness? Swelling etc?

My wife didn't want sex at all with my second child. Went 18 months without. The things they don't tell you in that parenting class....


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> Twice a month was the going rate before and now we are down to once every two months.
> 
> I have thought that maybe I need to find a way to just stop wanting it so much. I love her and we fit perfectly in every other way than this. Currently, I am making an effort to immerse myself in a hobby and see if that dulls my desire.


First off, twice a month before she was pregnant for two relatively young and healthy people is way low. That equates to at most 24 times a year. That is basically a sexless marriage IMO.

Immersing yourself into hobbies or such to get around this is just rug sweeping your problems and will not work long term. You are not the problem here, she is.

BTW, if she is like this now, chances are it sex will just about disappear once the child is born.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I had a similar situation. I decided to take care of my needs manually and it worked - I lost desire for her.
Figured she didn't need the sex anyway. But I also stopped the affectionate side that she needed and so
She found that elsewhere leading to an EA then PA. So good luck with this it's hard. Let her know in clear terms that your needs are not being met and things will get bad for the whole family. And you can always hold onto a little hope that her drive will
Come back and increase after the birth. In my situation the the new drive was even more LD than before. But everyone
Is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Sinnister,

She is only about 10 weeks pregnant. She has no real symptoms honestly. No morning sickness to speak of. 

I understand and respect that the baby is going to take center stage. That is the way that it should be. I am concerned that her interest is going to decrease even further afterwards. I have been a good husband and not cheated.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> Sinnister,
> 
> She is only about 10 weeks pregnant. She has no real symptoms honestly. No morning sickness to speak of.
> 
> I understand and respect that the baby is going to take center stage. That is the way that it should be. I am concerned that her interest is going to decrease even further afterwards. I have been a good husband and not cheated.


Be prepared for her desire to decrease and stay decreased. With that mindset, anything above will be a treat. Sex is now a rare treat that is seasonal and hits only during the harvest moon - anything else is an unnatural occurance that prove the Gods have favored you that day. Seriously, if you read the forums about LD wives and you don't become too depressed to not finish them, you'll learn that LD is likely there to stay. Learn to cope like the rest of us schmucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

So, in other words, I am moving into the realm of being roommates with her? That is disappointing, if so. Well, I guess I shall see.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I hope not, but you are where I was 6 years ago. Now I have 2 kids and my wife cheated. I'm probably not the best source for Optimistic advise but our stories are too similar so I have to throw out my 2cents. If you think back to the dating life did you ever think the sex was enough? Did you think - "eh, it'll improve with marriage"? My biggest regret is not researching more about marriage, this site, affairs, LD wives, etc.. Before committing. Young and dumb. Look, if a window opens for you to get out I recommend taking it. Once kids are around that window closes and can be only opened by breaking up the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

You do bring up a good question. Prior to being married, we were only going at it about twice a week. I guess, I can only be in denial for so long.

I hear about how some couples do it every day and then think that I would not know what do do with myself if she wanted it that much.

One of her issues is that she is overweight. She can't fathom that I do not care about that. When we are in public, I am very liberal with my touching. I am not in the least ashamed of her. I am simply puzzled as to how all the affectionate stuff that I do never translates to anything in the bedroom.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> So, in other words, I am moving into the realm of being roommates with her? That is disappointing, if so. Well, I guess I shall see.


Could very well be if you are not proactive. Add to the fact you said she has body issues (weight) that she is self conscious about, and now is going to have a baby to give all her attention to.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am excited about the child but pregnancy is probably not going to make her body image issues any better. She wants another child soon after this first one. In a perfect world, I could just take a pill that would kill my sex drive and then I would have no dilemma.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Been married seven years and W has a much lower drive than mine. So I feel your pain as well.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

sinnister said:


> How pregnant is she? That could play a very large part in her lack of desire. Does she get sickness? Swelling etc?
> 
> My wife didn't want sex at all with my second child. Went 18 months without. The things they don't tell you in that parenting class....



Pregnancy is a biggie  I agree with this guy! I fine pregnancy horribly unarousing.......when my wife's body turned into a baby making machine with milk jugs for boobs.....I hated it.

DO NOT MISS PREGNANT WIFE IT MESSES WITH MY HEAD TO THIS DAY AND ITS BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE OUR LAST. DON'T WATCH THE BABY BEING BORN EITHER


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If her interest is gone after 10 weeks it only gets worse when the baby comes. I wish I had better news for you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Pregnancy is a biggie  I agree with this guy! I fine pregnancy horribly unarousing.......when my wife's body turned into a baby making machine with milk jugs for boobs.....I hated it.
> 
> DO NOT MISS PREGNANT WIFE IT MESSES WITH MY HEAD TO THIS DAY AND ITS BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE OUR LAST. DON'T WATCH THE BABY BEING BORN EITHER


Uhh I was going somewhere completely different than you went. I meant HER desire will go down. I can't relate to losing desire for my pregnant wife. I wanted to bang her everyday.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Uhh I was going somewhere completely different than you went. I meant HER desire will go down. I can't relate to losing desire for my pregnant wife. I wanted to bang her everyday.


I totally agree I just didn't delve into that. Many women feel self conscious when they are pregnant, so even though hormones are raging self esteem can wane.

We are all different pregnant or period ruins for me every single time!!


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I could bang the wife every day as well. However, it takes some of the fire out of it when the other partner is indifferent. Part of the experience that I crave is satisfying her desires. You can't satisfy a desire that does not exist.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

You could have logged in with my username and written this post and it pretty much would have been spot on for me as well... it's kind of eerie. I've been in pretty much a sexless marriage since the beginning. At the best of times, the wife's definition of high drive was maybe once a week, but usually it was once every 2 weeks or less. It's been this way for years, and for years I would fight it and get disappointed. About a year ago I just stopped caring altogether, and life has been a lot easier.

Like your wife, my wife is also pregnant (4 months along). She was very motivated to have a child, and sex was so frequent for those two months that she was wearing me out (1-2 times a day). We probably had more sex in the 2.5 months she was trying to get pregnant than we did in the previous 3 years combined. Of course once the pregnancy test had the "+" sign, sex dwindled down to almost nothing again. I expected it and I wasn't surprised or really even disappointed.

I've found a few interests and hobbies to turn to and it has helped a lot. Like you, my sexual desire for the wife has been on the decline for a while now. Maybe it's because I hit my mid-30s or perhaps it's years of rejection, but I don't really care anymore. Since she's pregnant, we've had sex a few times, and now that she's starting to show, it's just getting weird.

The best advice I can give you is to realize it's never going to change and that trying to initiate on your end is only going to frustrate you. Once I stopped initiating, I no longer had to deal with rejection or disappointment. If she wants sex she pursues me; usually I say yes, sometimes I don't. It's easier this way, and we actually get along pretty well now.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> I have thought that maybe I need to find a way to just stop wanting it so much. I love her and *we fit perfectly in every other way than this*. Currently, I am making an effort to immerse myself in a hobby and see if that dulls my desire. Any suggestions?


I am still puzzled when I read statements like this. To me it sounds like, "Other than the dead rat floating in it, this soup is really great!"

If sex is important to you (and it obviously is or you wouldn't be posting this) the you need to find a resolution or it will eventually poison the entire marriage. You will either be filled with resentment and become passive aggressive, simply withdraw and turn cold or cheat. Talk to her now. Don't put a ton of pressure on her for sex while she is pregant (even without symptoms her hormones can still be raging), but make sure she knows how important sex is to you and that she must be willing to work with you to find a long-term solution. The longer you wait, the less likely that this will ever improve.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Pregnancy is a biggie  I agree with this guy! I fine pregnancy horribly unarousing.......when my wife's body turned into a baby making machine with milk jugs for boobs.....I hated it.
> 
> DO NOT MISS PREGNANT WIFE IT MESSES WITH MY HEAD TO THIS DAY AND ITS BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE OUR LAST. DON'T WATCH THE BABY BEING BORN EITHER


I was the opposite, I found my pregnant wife hotter than ever, her boobs were bigger, she was flushed, she paid more attention to my needs etc. 

I watched the baby get cut out and it was amazing, would not have missed it for the world. gave me so much more respect and love for my wife, and I told her that. she was worried that since I seen her in that way that the "magic" would be gone, I reassured her it was very much the other way around.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I find her attractive, big belly and all. However, it is perplexing that someone can simply have no desire for it. She is only in her early 30's and besides our first year, has been relatively uninterested. If we were to go a month (prior to the pregnancy) without sex, it was no big deal. I am not going to miss the birth.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I am 37 and have been with my wife near 15 years. We have 2 kids. The youngest is ten.

I find the desire for her can leave if her sex drive drops. its hard to not take it personally when she does not desire sex. I have at times resorted to porn to feel sexual and release sex tension.

The porn/masturbation itself lessened desire for her as my frustration was relieved. Interestingly this caused our relationship to dip again as I no longer needed her that way. Also her finding out about the porn made her angry of course so even less sex was available. lol the irony of it.

Anyway I find desire is cyclic. I find I have periods where I want sex from her a lot or less, depending on work stress, finances and general health.

Pregnancy sucks for sex. Not only are her hormones weird , her body is at times less appealing. As she bonds with the child over hubby, he can be nothing besides the provider/room mate at times and intimacy declines. 

Since pregnancy I find I am the initiator. Don't get me wrong our sex is amazing and she does seem into it and enjoys it , I just am uncertain if she would ever initiate. The longest I have ever gone waiting for her to initiate is between 4-6 weeks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Losing sexual desire for a nonsexual woman is only natural. Even a very thirsty person eventually quits lowering a bucket down into a dry well. I'll catch hell for pointing it out, but to a normally functioning male, a nonsexual woman is about as interesting and useful as a bowl of plastic fruit. A car with no engine isn't very interesting, either. If she wants to be treated like a woman she has to be one. 
If you put up with a sexless marriage you are helping to destroy the marriage as surely as she is and your kids will bear the brunt of the results. I'd suggest quitting any porn or self-gratification. Those are band-aids to help you tolerate a situation which shouldn't be tolerated because it's unhealthy. Confronting the problem will be a pain in the butt and there will be drama involved. If your house was on fire, it would be unpleasant and uncomfortable for you to go inside and rescue your kids, but that's what you'd do. Your kids will not have a happy, safe, stable home if you and your wife aren't having a mutually acceptable sex life. Having a pissed-off, frustrated dad or perpetual heavy air between their dad and mom isn't doing your kids any favors. You and your wife are partners. You are both trying to build a stable, satisfying, effective platform to raise kids or you're both busy trying to destroy it. Nothing good for them will come from convincing yourself that their mother is your enemy. Nothing good for them will come from having parents who occupy the same home but otherwise aren't emotionally connected. 
I'd recommend that you change your goal from "increased sexual frequency" to "increased intimacy" and make it a real priority. Without a reasonable sex life, you might manage to tough it out and technically remain legally married, but neither of you are going to have a great marriage or feel truly connected. At some point, your kids are going to be grown and leave. If all your wife and you have in common are kids, when they leave the home, you will be stuck with a sexless and (by then), emotionally barren marriage.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have a plan in mind. She is pregnant at the moment so I will give her a free pass. However, after giving birth I am going to give it a year and a half. If her complete and utter lack of interest does not see an uptick then it is time to move on. I would love to just take a pill and kill the urge but that is not possible. To keep pushing it away is a waste of energy.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It does not take a year and half to get interested in sex again in a normal woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am not sure if the cause is physical or emotional but either way I am getting tired of being celibate. I feel bad just thinking about moving on solely due to lack of sex. However, it may have to be.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

I think Unbelievable said it well. Changing the goal is paramount.

Like you, and other posters on this thread, I suffered for years (before and after births) with constant emotional & physical rejection or a 'lets get it done' attitude - despite setting up wonderful dates, vacations, romantic situations and giving her permission to express a sexual side. Sure, a vaction or romantic night might yield a moment of intimacy but it always had a feeling of get it over with and months would pass without intimacy... Nothing worked in reality. She always had some excuse and we saw our share of counseling. Like others, I too wished for a med to reduce my desire and need for a woman's attention.

Fast forward a half dozen years and my acheivement of just climbing into bed every night and turning away and being "ok with it" to her then finally seeking me out with occasional enthusiasm. 

The (brief) change in my wife was probably due to two things: 
1) Unknown changes in situation (E/PAs?) in her business life. (I'll be posting more on this elsewhere as I think this has changed again and hence my membership). 
2) My building a life distinct from her, which included women friends - thus competition.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

7 year marriage, didn't have a lot of sex to start with, now add a baby to the equation?

Good luck.

Go to the lady's lounge and ask them how to "meet her emotional needs" such that she'll desire you more.

I have no good advice for you, but I can say from experience that it gets worse after the kid... and I'm now single.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I need to work on getting my mojo back. After two years of almost constant rejection, I have stopped caring. This latest 7 week hiatus has not been as rough on me as past times. If I was to go home tonight and not have sex again, then big deal. Her indifference has spread to me.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

Tyler - I'm thinking that's a good start. Having been in your position for years - no decades I have suggestion... let it be a happy, confident indifference. 

Many nights, I would fall into a moody, quiet passive mode and it wasn't registered other than being interpretred as angry (yes, I was) and that wasn't helpful for me or her. 

I just read "Why Nice Guys Finish Last - April Massini" here and think it makes some great points. Certainly, it characterizes myself to a T and could be something to think about.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

tyler1978 said:


> Sinnister,
> 
> She is only about 10 weeks pregnant. She has no real symptoms honestly. No morning sickness to speak of.
> 
> I understand and respect that the baby is going to take center stage. That is the way that it should be. I am concerned that her interest is going to decrease even further afterwards. I have been a good husband and not cheated.


I pretty much wanted nothing to do with sex in early pregnancy and I am high drive. About the first 3 months. A woman's body goes through so many changes during this time.. Maybe in the second trimester she will rock your world. Some women have been known to have higher drives in this part of pregnancy, simply because they are feeling better and hormones have somewhat balances out and also have more energy. 

From what you have said, her drive is about twice a month before pregnancy. I don't really see that changing much after baby, it will probably get worse afterwords.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You need to have a talk with her about things, pregnant or not. This isn't something that isn't going to resolve itself on it's own. The longer you wait the worse you will feel and the less likely it will be fixable. Resentment is a pretty strong feeling to have. And if you haven't gotten there yet you will sooner rather than later...

You will go through many stages, feelings. One of which you tell yourself that you no longer care, but you still do. If you didn't you wouldn't be here. Been there done that.. Doesn't much work. 

It sucks to want someone that doesn't want you in the same way. After a while of that, you just stop wanting them all together. I may not be a guy, but I know how you feel.

Other than that I have no advice. I can't even fix my marriage!


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

ladybird said:


> I pretty much wanted nothing to do with sex in early pregnancy and I am high drive. About the first 3 months. A woman's body goes through so many changes during this time.. Maybe in the second trimester she will rock your world. Some women have been known to have higher drives in this part of pregnancy, simply because they are feeling better and hormones have somewhat balances out and also have more energy.
> 
> From what you have said, her drive is about twice a month before pregnancy. I don't really see that changing much after baby, it will probably get worse afterwords.


I am giving her a free pass while she is pregnant and the time after. My worry is that we had a sexless marriage before that and having kids is only going to make it worse. It is like seeing the train wreck coming a mile away but not sure if you can do anything about it or not. I would welcome some arguing or complaining. However, we carry on like the concept of having sex has faded into nonexistence. Neither initiates and neither talks about it.


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