# Beyond confused by STBX's Behavior



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I'm sure some of you might remember my posting several times about my WAH who has been very attentive to the needs of the kiddos and myself. He visits often, helps around the house, gives them money when they need it. We spent all the holidays over the past year since he left together along with exchanging gifts for said holidays. We have dinner together several times a week. He's done lots of work on our house and yard. Work that, according to the neighbors who we're both really close with, he wanted to surprise me with. I went away about a month ago to come and find that he had done alot of work in the yards and spent a pretty good amount of money doing it. neighbors have told me that they don't think he wants a divorce, that he's just got a huge ego he needs to get over before he can ask me back. I've heard this from 3 different groups of people so I keep holding out hope that they're right. If he's going to file I think it can be done any day now, but I've seen not one thing indicating that he's ready to do so. No separation agreement, no talk about how we're going to split things up. I'm so confused. The things I hear from other people don't sound like someone who wants a divorce. Why would he put that much time, effort and money into a space that he doesn't even live in anymore for someone that he doesn't want to be married to anymore? Now he's helping me to purchase a new ride. What gives here?:scratchhead:


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Ummm, yeah. Very confusing indeed. Can't blame you for being unsure and confused by it all. 

It sounds like he's confused too. I get the feeling that he doesn't really know what he wants, or he does know and like you said his pride gets in the way. I don't know your situation, was there an OW in the picture at all? 

I think it's normal for most WAS's to go through a period of "Did I make the right choice?" I think my STBXW is going through that right now. The REAL question is what do YOU want? Only by answering that can deal with his behavior accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> Ummm, yeah. Very confusing indeed. Can't blame you for being unsure and confused by it all.
> 
> It sounds like he's confused too. I get the feeling that he doesn't really know what he wants, or he does know and like you said his pride gets in the way. I don't know your situation, was there an OW in the picture at all?
> 
> ...


Thanks TFG, for responding. 

There was no OW, physically, anyway. I did find some sexting had taken place, but he refuses to acknowledge that that equates to an EA. No OW since him leaving either.

To answer your question, "Do I want him back", yes, I do. I want my family back together, I want my husband back. Although I know it wouldn't be an easy transistion, as things cannot go back to the way they were, I am willing to try to work through the issues that we had. I think most of our issues stemmed from our financial situation, things have always been tight as neither of us knew how to successfully deal with money. Since splitting our finances up, things seem much better for both of us. I don't know if I mentioned in my earlier post, but there is definitely a MLC crisis in the works or he might be at the end of it...I sure hope so, it's lasted about 4 years.

I just wish I knew what his intentions are. I hate to bring it up to him because he gets kind of testy and frustrated when we talk about it. He has a problem being honest with his feelings.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I got the impression that you were hoping for R, but I also sense you are guarded. That's probably a good thing right now. Hopeful but cautious. 

I wouldn't consider R unless he owns up to his EA. To me, sexting is totally an EA. He may want to rug sweep it, but that'll bite your R in the ass down the road. He needs to come clean. If he's got problems being honest with his feelings, then he needs to deal with that. 

You are the BS. From my perspective, you should hold all the cards and he should do whatever you require to win you back. If he can't or won't, then you'll have your answer. 

I'm glad that you've solved the financial aspect. But the EA is a large elephant sitting in the room drinking a ****tail that nobody is talking about.  A new relationship can't form between you two unless it's built on a foundation of openness and trust. Rug sweeping his EA is not that beginning. Clearly setting boundaries in the beginning is so important. 

But the signs are there that he's thinking about you. Keep doing what you're doing. I know it's hard being patient.  Hopefully he can work it out, but are you prepared to let him go if he can't or won't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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