# Did me a favor?



## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

Almost exactly a year ago, I married and moved in with a man I knew in school who found me on Facebook. Been a single and solo mom my whole life, 2 great kids (16 and 13). He owned his own business and home with property, dirt bikes, boats, etc. but an hour from the city where I worked. Hastily married because I thought I "knew" him. Christian man. Humble. Single dad. Worked hard.

Then he lost his only contract for work. Sold all his equipment and tried to start over. We talked and made (what I think now was) a poor decision to follow thru with the marriage and combo of families. I could help him. He couldn't do it alone.

Even took a pre-marriage class to talk about blended families and mixing money. He told me not to worry about money. He made 5x what I did. Self-employed. I had NO IDEA how much he made. Said I'd need to pitch in less than half of my pay towards our bills. 

Reality: We spent the $ from selling his eqt to add onto house and have a quaint runaway wedding/hm in the mountains. He couldn't find work for months. Then he worked and didn't get paid. Four mos into our marriage, in Oct, he tells me we are going to lose the house because he can't pay mortgage. That I need to start kicking in more. Well, by this time, I'd bought a car and making another payment in gasoline to drive it 54mi ea way to work. Grocery bill doubled. I was paying all of that. I borrowed from my retirement to help. Got into a vanpool and started giving him that $ for bills. Our budget was $3000 together. I was paying $250 for new benefits, $1000 to him for house bills, and $850-$900 for groceries. That's a lot more than $1500, which would have been my half. Plus I was paying my car payment, gas to get to work, student loan, and car insurance.

Ended up I bought birthday presents, Christmas, Valentine's, and all the eating out and pizzas too. He stopped all of that and kept griping that he needed more. Started shopping at a discount store. Buying just what I needed. Cooking from scratch, eliminating boxed snacks. Stopped contributing to my retirement...blah blah.

Get home one day from grocery store there are divorce and "get the He11" out papers on my pillow. Talked him into separating and my kids and pets and I moved in 3 weeks with the help of my family. One counseling session, he told her it was all my fault and was instantly too busy to go back. No worries, I can't afford to pay for that too.

Been separated today 4 mos. Was seeing him about once a week for "date" night. He's bitter about my success furnishing a new home but not having more to contribute to his cause. Says he almost lost his house. Says his $900 electric bills are now only $300 and it's easy to keep the house clean. But it's a mess. He never showed me the bills. I can't believe they were that high. He fell asleep Friday night when we were watching a movie at his place and his phone rang...I found texts to his ex gf on his phone. Left and told him to leave me be. Not sharing him. Texted me yesterday saying he was going on a date because he's tired of being alone. I'm not his wife or his partner--never really was. Told him being alone was his choice and that I hoped he had a nice time.

His son thinks I "stole" from them. Lord knows what else. I'm a Christian woman without Biblical grounds for divorce, and I don't want a divorce. I love my husband. My kids aren't going back to his house. I'm not either. We're tied up in a lease now at the new house. Now it looks like he's going to cheat, so do I accept or push for the divorce? Right now I told him I'm not signing anything. He can get a divorce without me.

I'm learning to budget well, cook on the grill, and took up kickboxing again. In a divorce recovery class at my old church. Connecting with my friends. What now? 

PS 1st anniversary next week. Not much time and no kids together. But still hurts. Thought he was IT.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Why on earth would you want to accept cheating?

Sounds like this man does not appreciate all you have done for him.

It is very painful, but he is doing you a favor.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

Ah thanks firstyeardown. I know right? He swears he's not "seeing" anyone, that he's only texting her. But it's the 3rd time I've caught him asking her out for drinks. He didn't go that night because I did, but I guess she's plan B. 

I'm not ready to be part of anyone's harem, so I am accepting no contact now. He was married before and cheated on her too from how I did the math. Ugh. But he's my husband. What do I do with that?

He's done a lot for us too. He paid for my dog's surgery and helped me fix my old car last year. Still mad I didn't pay him back though. No way I could afford to.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

have you looked into an annulment? Sounds like he did not tell you the truth about a lot of things like finances and possibly other women. You haven't been married long, so check it out. sorry you are here.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The fact that he is your husband holds him to a higher standard of respectful behavior. By sending texts and asking women on dates, your husband is behaving like a single man. He has also told huge lies. If your religious beliefs are the only reason you stay, you do not have a real marriage.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

never been married before. i thought that's what i was supposed to do. unconditional love. he was busy with work, i took care of the kids. we'd get through it. just a phase. blah blah. he checked out before we even got started.

the texting is not cheating he says. but i agree with firstyeardown, he is unfaithful already. natural progression i guess. left him 4 mos ago. was his choice.

annulment? yeah, that's what he wants. i'm not paying for it. i'm not signing it. he can get it on his own. he's 50 miles away. if he's cheating, at least i don't have to look at it.

i'm in no hurry. should i be?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I'm a Christian woman without Biblical grounds for divorce


Well, giving it to you straight, since i'm an atheist, this isn't exactly true: 



> Mark 10:12
> 
> and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.


Basically, if you do want to follow what your holy book says, it seems you can "divorce" (meaning separation of spouses) but you can't take another man. If it is THAT important to you...


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

yes, it is that important. i have nor want no other man. i love my DH. if he wants to pursue another woman, i would want him to divorce me first. otherwise, i'm separated (married, living as his wife, but not living with him). best i can do.

praying he has a change of heart and decides to pursue counseling. our "money problems" are conjured. we are now affording TWO houses somehow. the respect and trust issues are paramount but scalable, i still believe.

thanks


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

...update: H sent me a text today saying life is short. he wants to fix this or move on. promising <3


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## xyz000 (Nov 20, 2012)

This entire post sounds like biblical grounds for a divorce. You are a christian woman who is married to someone who doesn't sound like christian man. 

If he isn't interested in pursuing a successful marriage, then you have the right to leave. 

Lying & cheating are perfectly good grounds for packing your things and taking your children away from this situation. 



burgh_mom said:


> Almost exactly a year ago, I married and moved in with a man I knew in school who found me on Facebook. Been a single and solo mom my whole life, 2 great kids (16 and 13). He owned his own business and home with property, dirt bikes, boats, etc. but an hour from the city where I worked. Hastily married because I thought I "knew" him. Christian man. Humble. Single dad. Worked hard.
> 
> Then he lost his only contract for work. Sold all his equipment and tried to start over. We talked and made (what I think now was) a poor decision to follow thru with the marriage and combo of families. I could help him. He couldn't do it alone.
> 
> ...


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