# 16years and 4 kids she cheated



## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

My wife of 16 years cheated on me. After we had our first kid, she stop paying my any attention. Now we have 4 kids, she never made time for me. About a year ago, a old x-boyfriend was found on facebook. A friend of thiers from way back was getting married to his sister. We where invited to the wedding. I didn't feel good about. We went for the friend that was getting married. My wife and her ex talk little. Few days later became friends on facebook with him. He was not living in Calif at the time. His sister moved him here few hours away. This guy been mrried 3 times and has 3 kids from all 3 marriages. When my wife dated him when she was 15 years old. He came back from the Navy, told her he had cheated and that he was leaving her for the other women. She told me ever since I met her, what a ******* he was for doing this to her. But they were talking was able to make a mends and become friends. The last six months, my wife and I stop haveing sex. She wouldn't talk to me about why. I ask her few times if she was seeing or talking to somebody. April 20th was our 16th year together. We went out for the day, when we got back. She only wanted to layt with me. Did'nt feel right in my gut. I had wanted to stay over night, but she didn't. That Wednesday, I toss my GPS phone in her car. Was able to trace her to a hotel, were I caught her with her ex. That night I left the house went to my dads for the night. I was not able to leep or eat, missed my kids. That thursday, I went back to watch the kids, so she could take my older son to a Bon Jovi concert that we got him tickets for his birthday. She invited me tostay that night, I not left since. I can't just walk away from 16 years of mariage. This Wednesday night, were going to see a therapist, were she says she will tell me everything. That I may want to leave her afterwards. I like to save this marriage and get help. But she won't tell him goodbye. She tells me that she needs space and time. I try my best with this. She gave me one reason, was I was not there for her 1 night that she needed to talk. Most nights I get home before her, so I cook dinner and help the kids with homework. The last 6 months, she was comming home later ever night. The night, when she called from work, I was upset, and ask were she was. So she called him and talk. She tells me, that he knows her. She can talk to him, to e its line of ****. He knew her when she was 15 yrs old, not 37 years old with 4 kids. I just have to wait and see what she will say to me. But the last couple of weeks, She has started to do things for me, and has gotten home early. Not sure, if I should take that good sign. We do lay together every night, still no sex. She just tells me she needs space and time. That she does love me. Please Help!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

She's doing things for you because she loves how you're treating her: you pay the bills and you allow OM to lay the pipe. She has the best of all possible worlds. Since this is okay with you, why don't you get a girlfriend, too?


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

It not OK with me, should I walk. See what she does next. Or do I fight for what I love.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Are you supporting her? 

Who pays for the bills?

How old are the kids?


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

We both work and pay the bills.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

Hadanta said:


> It not OK with me, should I walk. See what she does next. Or do I fight for what I love.


You will get a ton of replies here, I have chosen to R with my wife. I'm about a month and a half from Dday. We have 3 kids and I have been with my wife for 16 years. It's going to be a roller coaster either way. First I would demand a no contact with the OM. I wouldn't even stay for a minute if that didn't happen immediately. Next she has to answer every question you have as many times as you want to ask it. She has to show true remorse. This is just the beginning but I would t accept anything else in the next few hours from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

16yr 
13yr
10yr 
and a 8yr


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If she won't stop seeing him, file for divorce. Go see a lawyer.

Tell her you won't share your wife with another man.

If She chooses him, she can stay with him.

If she chooses you, she cannot talk to him. 

Do not leave your house!!!

Does her family know?

Does your family and friends know?


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

they know, she won't talk to her dad or mom about it. I read little about Lost Loves and what can happend from past ex.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

MAJOR PROBLEM HERE !!!

. But she won't tell him goodbye. She tells me that she needs space and time. I try my best with this. She gave me one reason, was I was not there for her 1 night that she needed to talk. Most nights I get home before her, so I cook dinner and help the kids with homework.




Do NOT leave your house --- let her move out!!!


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

I also think she is a narcissistic sociopathic wife.
.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hadanta said:


> I also think she is a narcissistic sociopathic wife.
> .


Then why would you want you and your kids be around her ??


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Wait for the counseling session where she promises to tell all and go from there.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hadanta, 

You are going to have to put your foot down and tell her, it must be him or you. If it is him you will divorce her. There is no more to do if she won't stop seeing him. You can't stay in am marriage where she has a boy friend. 

She wants space, so you let her have her same life and her boy friend.


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

She told my older daughter about it. But she told my oldest son, that they were just talking at the hotel. Now, my son thinks I'm over jealous ******* and don't trust his mom. He really thinks she was just talking to this guy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can get through this. It's going to be tough, but it depends on how your wife views the situation.

One thing that might be worth getting her to look at, is it not amazing how, for years, she told you what an utter *&%$£&^ her ex was for cheating on her. And now, mysteriously, she has morphed into a cheating *&%$£&^, herself?

Ask her how that works.

Also, she has now changed everything about your marriage. What you thought it was, might not have been the case.

You need to get tested for HIV/STDs and tell her you are doing this because of her sexual cheating.

Also, you know when her cheating started. But *do* you?

She went cold after your first child was born? Has she cheated all along? How can you check up on this? Get the DNA of all of your children tested!

Why? to test you wife's marital fidelity? Well, to a limited extent, yes.

But in your case the purpose of the DNA tests is not to test the parentage of your children, but to send an important message to your wife: "Wife, I still love you, but your actions as a cheat have thrown everything you have ever done or said into doubt. Have you ever loved me? Have you ever been faithful to me?"

Is it possible that, in her mind, she always remained faithful to her ex and that his reappearance has given her the chance to throw out the imposter (you, her faithful, loving husband) for the real love of her life, who is an ageing mountebank, a roué and a cut-price rake?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

I


MattMatt said:


> You can get through this. It's going to be tough, but it depends on how your wife views the situation.
> 
> One thing that might be worth getting her to look at, is it not amazing how, for years, she told you what an utter *&%$£&^ her ex was for cheating on her. And now, mysteriously, she has morphed into a cheating *&%$£&^, herself?
> 
> ...


I think MM may be on to something. 

I just re-read your 1st POST and she said "This Wednesday night, were going to see a therapist, were she says she will tell me everything. That I may want to leave her afterwards."

She may have more to tell then just this one guy or this one time with him.

Hope for the BEST -- but in your case -- PREPARE FOR THE WORST.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jh52 said:


> I
> 
> I think MM may be on to something.
> 
> ...


But even the worst can be dealt with and, with help, overcome. Do not despair...:smthumbup:


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But even the worst can be dealt with and, with help, overcome. Do not despair...:smthumbup:


But she will have to be in 100% MM.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Hadanta this is super simple. She is fvcking another guy while denying you sex. She is sharing her life with him while denying you any kind of intimacy. So why exactly are you trying to stay with her? She no longer wants you and has betrayed your vows, your trust, you love and your kids. You need to tell her you are going to file for Divorce then you need to 180 on her you can find links on this site to what that is. Tell her you no longer want to be with someone who does not love you, that you deserve better. Stop sleeping with her. Stop having sex with her. She has proven with her actions that she thinks nothing of you and only thinks with her crotch. No matter what you FILE you do not let her talk you out of it. If you change your mind you can change it in the next few months. 

She has to show you that she wants this to work at this point she has no remorse once you file she may start to show it if she does let us know and the others will go over what SHE has to do to fix the relationship. Basically she has killed your marriage even if she does all the steps right you will need to forge another relationship with a person who betrayed you and all you stand for. But none of that can happen until she shows real remorse. Look up Mrs Matias that is a women who was truly truly sorry for what she did.

Keep posting you may need help navigating through the fog and crazy crap she is going to say to you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hadanta said:


> 16yr
> 13yr
> 10yr
> and a 8yr


I can see why you want to get her to snap out of it. Only, she won't. You pretty much have to burn down the village, er, the marriage, in order to save it.

You have to tell her, "him or me, choose right this minute who it's going to be."

I promise you, she will immediately stop being nice and will turn mean and surly like you get believe.

However, that's what has to be done. 

She won't choose you. So, be ready to tell her you'll get the papers for her to sign.

That's the hard nosed plan. The other plan is to start acting like you're moving on, without bringing to an immediate head as in the above scenario. This will also piss her off.

Do your older kids know what's going on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I can see why you want to get her to snap out of it. Only, she won't. You pretty much have to burn down the village, er, the marriage, in order to save it.
> 
> You have to tell her, *"him or me, choose right this minute who it's going to be."*
> 
> ...


But there is the point of view that one should never give someone the chance to make the wrong decision when they might be momentarily incapable of rational thought!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

My friend I feel for you. The fact is that she has not been a wife for a very long time. Recently she's not even been a companion. Somewhere along the line she lost respect for you as a husband and as a man. 

She showed you that she preferred the company of someone eho had betrayed her in her teens. My sense is that she fell in love with this man. It may be that she recently discovered that he's seeing other women too - hence her allowing you back. 

If I was in your shoes I'd ask her to leave; DNA the kids -all of them; forget counseling until she breaks off ALL contact with the OM and his friends\family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jh52 said:


> But she will have to be in 100% MM.


Or capable of working toward that 100%.

It all depends on several factors, which hopefully will be revealed at the counselling session.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Hadanta you are going to get some good advice here, all of this *is meaningless unless you take action*, being passive is going to drag out your misery.

Accept completely and totally that you aren't the cause of your wife's infidelity. 

You don't control another person's actions only your own.

Your wife made the wrong decision to step outside of the marriage.

Even if your relationship is poor and needs "work" that is a totally separate item from infidelity.

*Even with out knowing a single thing about you, I know that nothing you did justified the infidelity, because nothing ever does.*

Believe that you are worthy of fair treatment, and decent treatment, and refuse to accept disrespect, deceit, or disregard for your marriage from your wife.

You can compromise on dinner or the color of the bath towels, honesty can not be compromised it just gets broken.

You will be treated as poorly as you allow it. Your wife only has the power to harm you, that you give to her. 

Your relationship will never improve as long as there is contact between this man and your wife. If you think you want to reconcile that contact needs to be ended forever today. On your terms not hers. See various no-contact letters here and I'm sure you can get specific guidance if needed.

There's more information if you want it , but it all comes down to your ability and your choice to *exert your will, and not be passive*, or compromises to "save your marriage".


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But there is the point of view that one should never give someone the chance to make the wrong decision when they might be momentarily incapable of rational thought!


That's the reality though, another variant is to say "I have chosen for you. Get out!"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But there is the point of view that one should never give someone the chance to make the wrong decision when they might be momentarily incapable of rational thought!


Matt, I'm glad you are here as the optimist.

IMO, I think she made her decision a while ago.

She is going out to see her boy friend in front of her husband and family. 

My question is, how has the OP allowed this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Matt, I'm glad you here as the optimist.
> 
> IMO, I think she made her decision a while ago.
> 
> ...


He hasn't allowed this. He was blindsided by what has happened. Every little change in his wife's behaviour became the new normal.

He didn't allow it, but she did it.

And now she gets to fix it, with the help of a good -I hope- MC.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Time and space... you know it's bull right?

Friend, go to that MC and start talking first. Demand, to beging with:
NC letter.
Complete transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts from now on.
Full disclosure, not only from this but from the beggining of your relationship.
STD tests.
__ insert her what ever immediate deamnd you require (dumping enablers?, etc)

... or Divorce. No barganing, no need to think, nothing.
Tell her you won't share, specially with this POSOM. You love her to pieces but you won't compromise your dignity behaving as a cuckold. Period.

By the way, no matter what you should talk to a lawyere and put in place all the snooping tools aviable and expose her and him. Don't tell her you are going to do it. Just do it.

Sorry man. This kind of HS relink are hard to crack. Being very clear serious with your demands is even mroe necessary.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW
As she already told a complete false version to you kid you must tell him the truthg (apropiate age wording). Mom as a boyfriend, she broke her promises, she can't have one as a marriaed woman.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He hasn't allowed this. He was blindsided by what has happened. Every little change in his wife's behaviour became the new normal.
> 
> He didn't allow it, but she did it.
> 
> And now she gets to fix it, with the help of a good -I hope- MC.


I do think he was blindsided. 

I think he made a mistake, by taking the path of least resistance and moving out and giving her space to continue the A unabated. 

I'm glad he claimed his home back, yet it has not stopped the A. 

By not giving her his boundary (the marriage or divorce), he has allowed her to continue the A unabated. I believe that is the definition of cake eating? 

I do not have hope for MC as she is still deep in the A.

Yet in the end we both wish him the best outcome.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another thinbg. Don't move out again. Not without consulting a lawyer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> You pretty much have to burn down the village,


Ya this is such a true analogy, cus as you start the burn by exposing and cutting her off, You make one sinple fact very clear to everyone...and that is I will not share my wife, PERIOD!!!

You can not nice your way out of this.

Until she starts to second guess her choices and thinks twice in what she is losing then she will continue.

Sorry brother the only way out of this is tough love.

Again the goal to it all is making it very clear you will not share your wife. The OM has to be completely out of the picture to save this thing.

So please start making this affair as inconvientent and as uncomfortable for her as possible not cuz your jealous or vantictive....but cuz YOU WILL NOT SHARE YOUR WIFE!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Time and space... you know it's bull right?
> 
> Friend, go to that MC and start talking first. Demand, to beging with:
> NC letter.
> ...


You know, this has triggered me, somewhat. The time and space thing, you can get through it. But I only know this through my own experience.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Torch the village man!

Give her a taste of things to come if she continues. This is not controlling her, this is about no longer toloarating her crap while you share her with another man. Tell her you will no longer control her and it will aways be her choice to be with you or him but at the end of the day you will not share here.

Bad and unhealthy behavior will continue with out consequences!!!

See this tactic is all about getting her to think twice in what she is about to lose. And make no mistake she won't like it and it will push her away....but at this point she is already gone and phucking in a parking lot,park, and hotel with her boy friend.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

4th vote in the affirmative for torching the village!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

I agree, don't let her have both of you. I knew something was going on with my husband and his bookeeper. He choose her for about a week. They would meet at hotels with her 3 month baby from another guy in there bed with them. I lawyered up, ( long before that had put spyware on his phone and traking). He thought it would all be bliss until he saw the divorce papers and the consequences that came with destroying the family. He came back, we are working on things but you have to make a step. Before I made mine, he kept seeing her for months.

I blew it up, told everyone. He was embarresed and begged me to stop. I still tell everyone that asks( because she also works at my kids school). Sorry not going to keep there sick secret.

Firts loves always have a little draw because we were usually so young when we had them. When you usually get to know them again they are kinda scummy( if the girl went for the bad boy) what does he do? Is he some great person,I bet not.

Don't let this man take your wife if you still love her, blow it up! Then the fantasy ends.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

All of a sudden said:


> I agree, don't let her have both of you. I knew something was going on with my husband and his bookeeper. He choose her for about a week. They would meet at hotels with her 3 month baby from another guy in there bed with them. I lawyered up, ( long before that had put spyware on his phone and traking). He thought it would all be bliss until he saw the divorce papers and the consequences that came with destroying the family. He came back, we are working on things but you have to make a step. Before I made mine, he kept seeing her for months.
> 
> I blew it up, told everyone. He was embarresed and begged me to stop. I still tell everyone that asks( because she also works at my kids school). Sorry not going to keep there sick secret.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Hadanta, please take this woman's advice!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Give her time....file for divorce
Give her space...kick her out the house

She wants space since she'd had sex with OM she's become bonded to him. She's confused because she doesn't want to give up the life she has, the kids, house etc but she also doesnt want to give up the rush and feelings OM gives her

Time and space implies she confused about what she wants. She needs time to think..unfortunately for you that's the wrong answer.

She shouldn't be confused

She should want you and this marriage, and right now she doesn't

You want your wife back, you either agree to be a cuckold so she can see OM then come back to you
or
You fight for your marriage by taking the control out of her hands, you show her what she has to lose and that you won't be disrespected.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with all the above. You have GOT to take action.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I also recommend action as described above. Keep doing the same thing and you can expect the same results you have achieved to date to continue. 

Good luck 
Wd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

So last night we had about a 20 minute fight. She talk about the time for her birthday. I had went got a cruise for her 30th birthday. We was just going to be us on the cruise. She told me that I did that for me and didn't ask her what she wanted. We never just took a tripo alone like that without the kids. At the time, she told me it was not good cruise ship line, that maybe we should look at another line. Last night, I told her no, it was for us. To spend time together without the kids. That it be just us on here birthday. Short story, I had to cancell the trip. After the 20 minute fight. I went to spare bedroom and layed down. About 10 minutes later, she came in and layed next to me. I held her and feel asleep.She told me, that we can talk again at the MC tonight. Not sure what to make of it?.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Hadanta said:


> So last night we had about a 20 minute fight. She talk about the time for her birthday. I had went got a cruise for her 30th birthday. We was just going to be us on the cruise. She told me that I did that for me and didn't ask her what she wanted. We never just took a tripo alone like that without the kids. At the time, she told me it was not good cruise ship line, that maybe we should look at another line. Last night, I told her no, it was for us. To spend time together without the kids. That it be just us on here birthday. Short story, I had to cancell the trip. After the 20 minute fight. I went to spare bedroom and layed down. About 10 minutes later, she came in and layed next to me. I held her and feel asleep.She told me, that we can talk again at the MC tonight. Not sure what to make of it?.


You should take your kids on the cruise and leave her home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> You should take your kids on the cruise and leave her home.


Lone dad on cruise ship with kids? Ummmm no!


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## Hadanta (May 14, 2013)

I take my 4 kids with me alone alot. But my 16yr old daughter not so much anymore. lol


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Hadanta said:


> I take my 4 kids with me alone alot. But my 16yr old daughter not so much anymore. lol


Even better. Leave the difficult, hormonal teenager with your wife while you soak in the sun with your other kids.

:lol:


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Is this affair ongoing or is your wife NC, yet?


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