# New here



## Lt28 (2 mo ago)

This is a first for me. 28 yrs married...not so strong...at a loss as to what to do.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lt28 said:


> This is a first for me. 28 yrs married...not so strong...at a loss as to what to do.


Hey @Lt28 Welcome to TAM, I'm sorry you are here with marriage issues.

Want to talk about it?
Tell TAM what is going on?

Lots of folks here have been through a _bunch_ of experiences and will share their wisdom with you.

I hope the best for you!


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## Lt28 (2 mo ago)

So I made a mistake 25 yrs ago. It wasn't a secret. I didn't sneak around. The last 2 months its been thrown in my face regularly as we have been butting heads a tremendous amount. Clearly it's bothering him. That's fair. But last week it was something else the week before yet again something else. We are unable to discuss anything it always ends in insults. When is it too much??? Should I accept that regardless of time I need to let this be what it is? He's using it for his reason for increased drinking.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lt28 said:


> So I made a mistake 25 yrs ago. It wasn't a secret. I didn't sneak around. The last 2 months its been thrown in my face regularly as we have been butting heads a tremendous amount. Clearly it's bothering him. That's fair. But last week it was something else the week before yet again something else. We are unable to discuss anything it always ends in insults. When is it too much??? Should I accept that regardless of time I need to let this be what it is? He's using it for his reason for increased drinking.


I assume we're talking about you committing adultery, albeit somehow it was "known"? What's that about?

First thing LT is to stop talking in terms of a "mistake". You made intentional choices. Don't treat it as something less than it is.

25 years ago is a long time but clearly he is not healed from it.
It is not uncommon for betrayed spouses to not heal properly and years later divorce over the infidelity.

A lot just depends on how things were handled at that time.
Pleeeeze tell me you came clean with him back then! Lying or trickle truth is the _worst_ thing you can do.

But I agree, even though there is no statute of limitations, there is a reasonable amount of punishment a wayward spouse should have to endure.
Him drinking will only make things worse.

Can you go to marriage counseling? Have you tried that?

Check this link for things that might benefit you & hubby even now. Perhaps there are tips there that can help.









How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: 15 Steps


When you have an affair, it breaks the bond of trust that holds your relationship together. You'll both be overwhelmed with emotions; your partner will be feeling betrayal and shock, while you'll likely be feeling guilt and shame. Start by...




www.wikihow.com


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## Lt28 (2 mo ago)

I went to a work party with a guy I worked with as friends nothing more. My husband was invited to come. He didn't want too. There was no secret as to where I was going or with who. The guy I went with was fully aware of my husband. There was no sex involved. But I did get completely trashed...early 20's....and the guy had to drive me home. 
I clearly should have declined the offer to go with this guy, I see this now but I cannot change that.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lt28 said:


> I went to a work party with a guy I worked with as friends nothing more. My husband was invited to come. He didn't want too. There was no secret as to where I was going or with who. The guy I went with was fully aware of my husband. There was no sex involved. But I did get completely trashed...early 20's....and the guy had to drive me home.
> I clearly should have declined the offer to go with this guy, I see this now but I cannot change that.


Sounds like you finally need to open the can and deal with it once and for all.
He must not think of it as marriage ending, or you would have been gone by now.
However, it seems like there is the omission of important detail here.
If he knew you were going with someone else, did he know it was a man?
What I mean is, for instance, you told him that you were going with "Jamie," and he didn't realize that Jamie referred to a male?
Or did you arrive home at an inappropriate time, drunk, with this guy?
Or were you sitting out in the car with him for awhile?
Something is missing here. If he had that big a problem with you going to this party with a guy, why did he not call you out for it immediately, or go with you himself?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hi, welcome. There are people here that have traveled this road. I'm one right now. Been with my wife, married, 38 years now. 24ish years ago I made a mistake. I got involved in a chat room and had what's called and EA. it never really was dealt with, other some horrible fights and insults thought the first few years, then as it's called rug swept. Pay it forward, long story on that, but my wife suddenly drops a bomb on me about an EA, possible PA about 32 years ago 
So now we both trying to process these things way down the road and it's difficult.
Listen to what they ask and say. You may not like it, but they can help you to deal with and cope with issues.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lt28 said:


> I went to a work party with a guy I worked with as friends nothing more. My husband was invited to come. He didn't want too. There was no secret as to where I was going or with who. The guy I went with was fully aware of my husband. There was no sex involved. But I did get completely trashed...early 20's....and the guy had to drive me home.
> I clearly should have declined the offer to go with this guy, I see this now but I cannot change that.


Yea, I agree with @Tdbo that something is missing.

What you describe is reason to be mad for a week or two, maybe even separate if he thought he couldn't trust you. But 25 years later? I'm not buying that.

What's his behavior like? Is he stepping out on you and projecting his insecurities your way? Cheaters do that.


Are you telling the full story of your relationship with this guy? Just a random co-worker? No relationship with him otherwise?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lt28 said:


> I went to a work party with a guy I worked with as friends nothing more. My husband was invited to come. He didn't want too. There was no secret as to where I was going or with who. The guy I went with was fully aware of my husband. There was no sex involved. But I did get completely trashed...early 20's....and the guy had to drive me home.
> I clearly should have declined the offer to go with this guy, I see this now but I cannot change that.


You say there was no sex but was there kissing, touching, maybe oral etc?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is not passing a sniff test I am afraid! What are you not telling us?


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Yeah. Agree with other comments. What did you do? Give him head? Go All The Way?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Easiest thing to do is just be honest here. There are plenty who will rip you to shreds, others who genuinely want to help. And then there’s me, my own mess that may be able to help. BUT if you can’t be transparent even with a load of strangers, you’re already in deep doo doo sis.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Lt28 said:


> Should I accept that regardless of time I need to let this be what it is?


That's the age old question. I too made a mistake(s), however, it was over 15 years ago. I still can't go on a cruise without her, heck, I couldn't even stay one night in Vegas without her. It is brought up from time to time, and I just end up taking it on the chin. 

Maybe they deserve to vent from time to time when something triggers them, but if he's going too far with it and just using it as an excuse that's another thing entirely.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

_"A lot just depends on how things were handled at that time.
Pleeeeze tell me you came clean with him back then! Lying or trickle truth is the worst thing you can do."_

I would guess he doesn't beleive you that "nothing happened" - 

If he has done any reading about cheaters - he surely has read the the standard mode of talking about their transgression is they - lie, lie, and then lie some more.

If you are of the persuasion to stay married - then you must take steps to help your husband becoming certain you have told him all that happened. Also consider that he may have information (true or not) that you have not told the whole story.

Once you have the truth in plain writing before him - it is up to him to accept and learn to live with your action(s). Both of you have to heal yourselves and he must give up the desire to treat you badly in words or deed because of this activity you say is his "problem."

If, indeed, the "came home sloshed" is all that happened, then I suspect there is some other bee under his bonnet. You have to flesh that out with him. Suggest
reading "Not Just Friends" and maybe "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"









How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books


How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful [Linda J. MacDonald] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful



www.amazon.com





as some of what is in the book (short read) may give you some insight to what is causing his anger. Then remember anger is a secondary emotion - what is causing the anger? 

You failed to tell him the truth about going to the party with a male escort? You failed to keep your wits and got sloshed? How did you get home? Taxi? The man who you went with? (That smells like a date to me.) Drive yourself home? That smells like DWI - reason enough for him to be pissed at you AT THE TIME. Years later - especially if you have not made a habit of over-consumption of Ethanol - he should have calmed down on that regard.

Good Luck


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