# How many partners? Just engaged



## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after 
very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement. 
I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious. 
Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet. 
Ok, I’d like to hear the truth from you. If it’s high than please just say so. If you think it’s way high or 1 high just please be open with me. If you think it’s average than just say so I can handle it. Think of it as getting me ready to have this convo with fiancé. I have to because I don’t want it to linger. 
My fiancé is number 4. I’ve been in 3 relationships starting since my sophomore year in high school around the age of 16 that was my shortest relationship and we only had sex 3 times in a 8 month relationship 2nd boyfriend we dated for over a year and had sex 4 times before he left for college. 3rd boyfriend we had sex about 5 times in our 10 month relationship that ended when he cheated. Now I’m with my fiancé and we have sex all the time and I love him and don’t want to loose him.
Please be open with me. I need to know


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are engaged and you know his count so why are you worried? It's not as if he is a virgin and you have made him think you are as well.
Sounds as if you are similar to him with you 3 and he 4 so why stress?
It's hard to understand why you haven't both been open with each other before now.
Everyone will give different answers. 
Some at that age will have had multiple partners and some none, there is no normal.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You are engaged and you know his count so why are you worried? It's not as if he is a virgin and you have made him think you are as well.
> Sounds as if you are similar to him with you 3 and he 4 so why stress?
> It's hard to understand why you haven't both been open with each other before now.





Diana7 said:


> You are engaged and you know his count so why are you worried? It's not as if he is a virgin and you have made him think you are as well.
> Sounds as if you are similar to him with you 3 and he 4 so why stress?
> It's hard to understand why you haven't both been open with each other before now.


No, he is not a virgin but I have been reading a lot and I’m just nervous what he will think. I know there is not a magic number but I’m a little ashamed now and a good friend of mine only has 2.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> No, he is not a virgin but I have been reading a lot and I’m just nervous what he will think. I know there is not a magic number but I’m a little ashamed now and a good friend of mine only has 2.


He has had 4 so he can hardly be concerned if you have had less than him. Just talk to him.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I would not be concerned about numbers like you described. You have NOT been around. It may be an issue if your fiancé was a virgin but it seems that is not the case. 

The problem happens when you have a girl with a very high body count getting together with a guy who was a virgin or near one. If the numbers are comparable, it will not be a problem.

Please be honest in your dealings. It is wrong to marry a guy under false pretenses. I’ve read threads of women that were WAY out there and keeping it quiet and then it comes out after they’re married and have kids. The husband then flips out.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Shouldn’t be concerned at all.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I would not be concerned about numbers like you described. You have NOT been around. It may be an issue if your fiancé was a virgin but it seems that is not the case.
> 
> The problem happens when you have a girl with a very high body count getting together with a guy who was a virgin or near one. If the numbers are comparable, it will not be a problem.
> 
> Please be honest in your dealings. It is wrong to marry a guy under false pretenses. I’ve read threads of women that were WAY out there and keeping it quiet and then it comes out after they’re married and have kids. The husband then flips out.


I feel like I have a high count


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

If you can count them on the fingers of one hand it's not a high count. If you run out of fingers and toes we can probably start thinking about it as high.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> I feel like I have a high count


Trust me you don't...not even close to being high.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Honey, I wouldn't consider 10+ high. Why are you worried about this? You both had a very similar number of sexual partners, decided you want to get married and spend your lives together, so where is the problem? Is this some kind of anxiety at getting married?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Absolutely nothing to be concerned about. You are worried over nothing


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s a moot point if it’s high or not (it isn’t) since you can’t change it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> I feel like I have a high count


It's less that your fiance and you seem ok about that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


Ehh… I don’t think you have anything to worry about. That said, your fiancé might feel differently. I doubt it, but I guess you never know. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also, I’d caution you against soliciting too far and wide for advice on this matter, as you’re almost certain to get input from someone that will have you feeling even more anxious than you already do.

BTW, you have a rather… unique writing style.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> I feel like I have a high count


No, you had sex while in relationships, it's not like you were screwing guys you just met.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Openminded said:


> It’s a moot point if it’s high or not (it isn’t) since you can’t change it.


So true...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> I feel like I have a high count


 your almost a virgin


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Ehh… I don’t think you have anything to worry about. That said, your fiancé might feel differently. I doubt it, but I guess you never know. 🤷🏻‍♂️
> 
> Also, I’d caution you against soliciting too far and wide for advice on this matter, as you’re almost certain to get input from someone that will have you feeling even more anxious than you already do.
> 
> BTW, you have a rather… unique writing style.


Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. *Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.*


I highly doubt it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


Did his 4 disappoint you?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


Probably 3 camps:

1. Wants a virgin and it’s a problem if the lady isn’t one. Maybe I lived in California too long but I can’t imagine this is a huge group in the US population of men.

2. Doesn’t care as long as it isn’t a meme in the town. Ex. if the lady has slept with multiple people you know and they’re like um... she really gets around. I would expect this is the largest group. I count myself in this group but could maybe tolerate a single friend being on her list depending on the friend/lady.

3. Doesn’t care at all. Probably a small group.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

GusPolinski said:


> BTW, you have a rather… unique writing style.


Be careful. There are regulars here who like this...style.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


I'm going to give you an answer that no one else here will. There is a condition or disorder known as retroactive jealousy. In your case, it would be your boyfriend being jealous of your sex partners before him. It is a very problematic situation, and he may not even realize he has it for years. It can be mild to debilitating. Most people here don't think it's real, so be careful of the naysayers. What I will suggest is to try to carefully investigate what his attitude is about your prior partners before you get into the discussion with him. Has he brought up his past partners to you? Does he ask you questions about your past? 

There's another long thread here about a woman not telling her husband about her extensive experience prior to their marriage. The husband has now found her past unacceptable when he didn't aggressively pursue that information before they got married. (He may not have cared at the time, but things change.) 

I don't think you have to beat him over the head with the information, but you also don't need to keep it from him, particularly if it's a deal breaker. That being said, four priors is a low count in 2021. Most people your age do that in a month. (Okay, I hope I'm exaggerating at least a little.) You two need to understand how you feel about each other's histories before you do a blow-by-blow tell all. Sometimes the other side doesn't want to know that information. That's for him to decide.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Allie, two questions and neither are to get in your business or cause you to reveal more than you intend.

1. Are you and he sexually active?

2. Has he ask any questions about details of your past romantic life?

As far as your history, your past experience is extremely mild. As Sfort said above, beware of retroactive jealousy. It a bear to deal with. If he has a problem with your past boyfriends, he needs to get that ironed out before you tow tie the knot.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Allie, two questions and neither are to get in your business or cause you to reveal more than you intend.
> 
> 1. Are you and he sexually active?
> 
> ...


Yes. We are. He is my 4th partner and he has not asked me about others. I’m just worried because i feel like I started too young and know it was a mistake.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Not high at all. 

I am what one would consider a high-count partner. I think I was about 5 times that number by age 21.

I see nothing here for you to worry about.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Yes. We are. He is my 4th partner and he has not asked me about others. I’m just worried because i feel like I started too young and know it was a mistake.


Sounds like youre worrying about something that's not a problem. How much does your guy already know? Really doesn't sound like he has a problem knowing he's not the only one you've been intimate with. And its just my take but youre under no obligation to tell him and you are probably being presumptive if you tell him when he hasn't ask.
The good news for him is since he's in picture, you think these other cats were a mistake. Speaks volumes about your relationship mi lady. He's at the top of the totum pole. He's lucky if you ask me.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.


First of all CALM DOWN AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 
But I married my husband when I was 20, he was 32.
As for me I had 6 partners from 15 to 19. My husband was partner #7 and we have been together for 9 years now. 
My husband's number is I DON'T KNOW because it doesn't matter. But I am his first wife, and he has no other children, and that was all I cared about.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Jessica811 said:


> First of all CALM DOWN AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
> But I married my husband when I was 20, he was 32.
> As for me I had 6 partners from 15 to 19. My husband was partner #7 and we have been together for 9 years now.
> My husband's number is I DON'T KNOW because it doesn't matter. But I am his first wife, and he has no other children, and that was all I cared about.


Thanks for taking the time to help. I’m not sure why I have the fear, it’s just the comments you hear and read that have my head spinning. I don’t want to disappoint him and I have guilt from my mother saying “your father is the only man who’s ever seen me naked”.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Thanks for taking the time to help. I’m not sure why I have the fear, it’s just the comments you hear and read that have my head spinning. I don’t want to disappoint him and I have guilt from my mother saying “your father is the only man who’s ever seen me naked”.


In all honesty you only having three previous partners is unheard of. I have a good friend who has been through 16 partners, and she is only 23. But she graduated college and is now an RN, so the NUMBERS just don't matter.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

What is with the self ****-shaming going on in this forum. ****-shaming is gross all on its own, but the self ****-shaming is taking it to a new level. It doesn't matter how many people you have slept with. It makes no difference in terms of the quality of the person you are. ****-shaming yourself says more about who you are than a number. If your fiance cares about such meaningless things then get a new one. And if you are bothered by your own sexuality, then you probably shouldn't get married yet. You have some growing up to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're worried he's double-standard or judgy, you should think twice about marrying him. No one has to tell anyone their number. Your number is very low anyway.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

How is it you know his number but didn't confess yours? If it's something you discussed he was probably hoping you would confess your number when he confessed his. Since you stayed mute the poor guys probably thinking you're in triple digits, heck he'll be relieved to hear it's only four, especially since sex only happened during relationships. 

You have nothing to be ashamed about, I consider your number very low.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Cooper said:


> How is it you know his number but didn't confess yours? If it's something you discussed he was probably hoping you would confess your number when he confessed his. Since you stayed mute the poor guys probably thinking you're in triple digits, heck he'll be relieved to hear it's only four, especially since sex only happened during relationships.
> 
> You have nothing to be ashamed about, I consider your number very low.


I agree with cooper. Never thought of it that way. And most girls at my HS averaged around 3 or 5, in other words 0 to 10.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Cooper said:


> How is it you know his number but didn't confess yours? If it's something you discussed he was probably hoping you would confess your number when he confessed his. Since you stayed mute the poor guys probably thinking you're in triple digits, heck he'll be relieved to hear it's only four, especially since sex only happened during relationships.
> 
> You have nothing to be ashamed about, I consider your number very low.


I’m actually not sure of his number. I think there was a miscommunication in my original post when I said he was or is my 4th. I am assuming it’s higher just given how comfortable he is with me. Big assumption i know.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> I’m actually not sure of his number. I think there was a miscommunication in my original post when I said he was or is my 4th. I am assuming it’s higher just given how comfortable he is with me. Big assumption i know.





Allieqwerty82 said:


> I’m actually not sure of his number. I think there was a miscommunication in my original post when I said he was or is my 4th. I am assuming it’s higher just given how comfortable he is with me. Big assumption i know.


I am just going to repeat myself and tell you don't worry about it. And this comes from a girl who had 6 sex partners before she found her future husband. Hell I lost my virginity at age 15 to a 23 year old, and in the end the number just does not matter. 
I did PM you if you need more advice, just FYI.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Allie,

From what you wrote you were selective about who you had sex with and did not cheat on your sex partners, it even sounds like you took time to date before you had sex. I would have been ok with dating and marrying you when I was your age.

What is important is that none of your ex sex partners are on your social media or in contact with you. 

You might want to have "the conversation" before you get married. I think I know who my Ws ex'es are and feel more comfortable that way.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> I am just going to repeat myself and tell you don't worry about it. And this comes from a girl who had 6 sex partners before she found her future husband. Hell I lost my virginity at age 15 to a 23 year old, and in the end the number just does not matter.
> I did PM you if you need more advice, just FYI.


So you were raped?


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So you were raped?


LOL if you want to look at it that way. It was 14 years ago fyi, it never bugged me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> LOL if you want to look at it that way. It was 14 years ago fyi, it never bugged me.


In the eyes of the law you were raped. Age of consent is 16 or 17. A 23 year old screwing a 15 year old is rape.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> In the eyes of the law you were raped. Age of consent is 16 or 17. A 23 year old screwing a 15 year old is rape.


I am not going to say you are wrong, but yea I was 15 and naïve and curious. And he was a family friend, never had any problem with him.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> I am not going to say you are wrong, but yea I was 15 and naïve and curious. And he was a family friend, never had any problem with him.


You were a child and he raped you. Let’s hope he isn’t still raping children.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> You were a child and he raped you. Let’s hope he isn’t still raping children.


He is 37, married with 3 kids, and is a firefighter in Salem. That's all I know.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> He is 37, married with 3 kids, and is a firefighter in Salem. That's all I know.


He is a rapist. He had sex with a child. That’s all I know.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> He is a rapist. He had sex with a child. That’s all I know.


this is bugging you isn't it? Just FYI i'm okay with it. And it has been 14 years, things do change.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> this is bugging you isn't it? Just FYI i'm okay with it. And it has been 14 years, things do change.


Actually no it’s not bugging me. Im simply stating facts.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Actually no it’s not bugging me. Im simply stating facts.


well I guess I should just report him 
I'll shush about my two teen girlfriends during that time.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> well I guess I should just report him
> I'll shush about my two teen girlfriends during that time.


Perhaps you should decide about if you are going to have an abortion or not eh?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I know a girl that has been with 4 different guys this week. So, I don't think you need to worry.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Perhaps you should decide about if you are going to have an abortion or not eh?


oh that's something for the other topic. Right now I am just wasting my normal time before my kids come home.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> I know a girl that has been with 4 different guys this week. So, I don't think you need to worry.


4?!?!? That's it???


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> He is a rapist. He had sex with a child. That’s all I know.


It's not really a fact though. A rapist is worse than someone who commits statutory rape and the punishment is much harsher to relfect that. If you want to be correct, you should call him a statutory rapist. Otherwise you are just flinging incorrect insults at people.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> oh that's something for the other topic. Right now I am just wasting my normal time before my kids come home.


You are wasting our time darlin. 😂


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> It's not really a fact though. A rapist is worse than someone who commits statutory rape and the punishment is much harsher to relfect that. If you want to be correct, you should call him a statutory rapist. Otherwise you are just flinging incorrect insults at people.


Fair enough. I’m not about to bother with her anymore. She is playing here.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Jessica811 said:


> 4?!?!? That's it???


Roundabouts, yeah. She answers her DMs and hooks up with all the better lookin guys that hit her up. She is kinda a friend of a friend and she tells her female friends about all her hookups. I've seen the screen shot conversations. Then complains she can't find a decent guy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


In my book you should be ok. I refrained till 22 looking for The One. I found her 2 yrs later 
, she was 27 and i was her 4th. She had 10 yr marriage before me.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Fair enough. I’m not about to bother with her anymore. She is playing here.


oh come on I was having so much fun


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jessica811 said:


> oh come on I was having so much fun


Well then enjoy. I’m pretty sure a woman who comes to this site talking about getting an abortion and then starts to play isn’t going to have a ton of fun. You do you sweet cheeks.


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## Jessica811 (Jul 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well then enjoy. I’m pretty sure a woman who comes to this site talking about getting an abortion and then starts to play isn’t going to have a ton of fun. You do you sweet cheeks.


Sweet Cheeks could be considered sexual harassment. But it's okay, I forgive you. 
And I am sorry that you don't approve of my sex life. It's tough being a girl.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Roundabouts, yeah. She answers her DMs and hooks up with all the better lookin guys that hit her up. She is kinda a friend of a friend and she tells her female friends about all her hookups. I've seen the screen shot conversations. Then complains she can't find a decent guy.


decent guy , I wonder in what way , in bed or decent as a life partner


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> No, he is not a virgin but I have been reading a lot and I’m just nervous what he will think. I know there is not a magic number but I’m a little ashamed now and a good friend of mine only has 2.


Congrats on your engagement!

After 2 years together, have your previous relationships come up at all? If they have, and he knows you weren’t a virgin with him, he’s probably got some clue already.

Met my husband aged 18 and despite him being my one and only as I didn’t want casual encounters, although not waiting to be married, many of my peers would have already had 4 lovers by the age of 18. Therefore, I consider your count to be low. Cultural context can play a part here (say compared to those who might wait for marriage and typically connected with religious beliefs). By the way, I was considered somewhat the odd-ball back then for not engaging with casual encounters (granted, not that you have). And for what it’s worth, I don’t see ‘shame’ in either approach.

Is the friend with 2 partners influencing how you feel in this?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Yes. We are. He is my 4th partner and he has not asked me about others. I’m just worried because i feel like I started too young and know it was a mistake.


What’s causing you to think that you were too young at around 16, and for that to be a mistake?

I then read about your mother and your attached guilt …that family of origin stuff takes hold and sometimes we need to do ourselves a favor through unlearning / detaching from some of that. You’re you with unique experiences and what was right for her doesn’t mean that it applies to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


Doesn't seem high to me.

I think better advice for you, as you are getting married, would be to get to a place where you can talk to this stuff with your Husband. Calmly talking about things that are hard to talk about will help you have a good relationship. Also being able to bring things that you are concerned about and discuss them will give you agency in your relationship which will help you avoid resentment.

This is a good way to start that. You will need to trust him, and as it sounds, he hasn't given you a reason not to. Talk to him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

while the posters here do their best , they have no idea what your guy is like what he will be like , men are strange , we even have some on here that say they want a woman to have next to no experience while they have lots and say they were wild once , 
men come in all types and men do change , the wild once become quite and straight lined and the shy can become swingers , 
you can not judge anyone , see too many stories of people we thought were saints turn out to have a dark side , 

why I said all this is to make just one point , 
you trust this man you can talk about anything with him , you want to be seen as his equal then when your together bring up the question and tell him 
your history and I would tell him the fact that you are not happy about starting early , 

these are important things to you not to me and the rest of us don't have to live with you or him 
ask your self which is better to tell him the truth and if he is not able take it brake up now or he find out in 6 years after the wedding 2 kids and he gets up set as we have seen this last week , 
you more than likely will find he is ok with this but sometimes you have to get it out there to find there was nothing to worry about and it can even help you get to the next step 

I thought I loved my wife soon after we found each-other , BUT LOVE just keeps growing I even think now 30 years on I love my wife more now than I DID 5 years back , 
all through getting to know each other , wait until you can finish each others sentences


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> Roundabouts, yeah. She answers her DMs and hooks up with all the better lookin guys that hit her up. She is kinda a friend of a friend and she tells her female friends about all her hookups. I've seen the screen shot conversations. Then complains she can't find a decent guy.


She should have started by being a decent girl.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Doesn't seem high to me.
> 
> I think better advice for you, as you are getting married, would be to get to a place where you can talk to this stuff with him. Calmly alking about things that are hard to talk about will help you have a good relationship. Also being able to bring things that you are concerned about and discuss them will give you agency in your relationship which will help you avoid resentment.
> 
> This is a good way to start that. You will need to trust him, and as it sound he hasn't given you a reason not to. Talk to him.


Really good thoughts here.

I’ll add that I also think whatever is causing you discomfort about your past also requires you to get right with. Don’t seek his validation to achieve this. You chose those relationships and to be sexual as part of that; trust your own decisions. It doesn’t mean turning a blind-eye to what you may do differently in the future (in a general sense), rather know who you are and what you’re about and the decisions that have shaped that.

Plus what @sokillme said.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


I believe it absolutely matters. That said, I don’t think your numbers are anything to worry about. 3 isn’t going to be an issue for most men at all.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Doesn't seem high to me.
> 
> I think better advice for you, as you are getting married, would be to get to a place where you can talk to this stuff with him. Calmly alking about things that are hard to talk about will help you have a good relationship. Also being able to bring things that you are concerned about and discuss them will give you agency in your relationship which will help you avoid resentment.
> 
> This is a good way to start that. You will need to trust him, and as it sound he hasn't given you a reason not to. Talk to him.


i think this is the best advice you will get here , 
numbers are just numbers in the end of the day , 
what is more important is knowing that there is not a third wheel hiding in the background 

I know of a woman that dated a guy for over 3 years 
and they went to spain on their honeymoon when he left her on the beach to get something from the room 
was gone too long so she went to find him and he was in their bed with another man , his gay lover for years , 

or the wedding we had local that ended up in a fight as it came out on the wedding day that the bride was expecting another mans child 

or the woman that was contacted by police to tell her that her husband was in a car crash 
so when she went to see him he was out cold for a few days the nurse or police gave her a suitcase that was recovered from the car 
when she opened it it was a womans 
so she started to investigate her self what he was up to and ended up getting a hotel slip in his pocket went to the hotel and 
where the man using the room was seen with a woman 
big shock for a woman that was 16 years together with her husband 
she talked to his best friend to get to the root of this , in the end the friend told her the truth about her husband 
her husband liked to dress up as a woman so did his friend , after the shock of what she thought was going on it was easier to except his cross dressing and they turned the garage into a place where he could do his dressing up 

people hide things and in ways they become blocks or little walls to having a good relationship. 
the more open you can be the more yourself you can be the better it will be


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> What is with the self **-shaming going on in this forum. **-shaming is gross all on its own, but the self **-shaming is taking it to a new level. It doesn't matter how many people you have slept with. It makes no difference in terms of the quality of the person you are. **-shaming yourself says more about who you are than a number. If your fiance cares about such meaningless things then get a new one. And if you are bothered by your own sexuality, then you probably shouldn't get married yet. You have some growing up to do.


Maybe for her it matters.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


This is your reality. You have less than he does. If he is going to hold that against you, then that would be a major red flag of possible abuse, emotional at the least, in the future. Think about this. Many of our more conservative members are calling your numbers low and not a worry. At this point only someone obsessive would make a deal out of it. So tell him. Odds are, he'll shrug and say, "so what?" Anything else is the warning that you need for hidden dangers. I'm putting my money down on the shrug.


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> In the eyes of the law you were raped. Age of consent is 16 or 17. A 23 year old screwing a 15 year old is rape.


Depends on the country I guess where you live


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

These threads just prove how much of the soul is lost to previous partners and people try and deny it but it is true cannot undo the past or actions


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Yes. We are. He is my 4th partner and he has not asked me about others. I’m just worried because i feel like I started too young and know it was a mistake.


For what its worth I don't think it is too many, nor too young. As other have said, you can't change it anyway, so why worry about it. I was my wife's 3rd partner at the age of 19. She had sex the first time at 17. I was 16 when we first had sex.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


My wife had 2 before meeting me when she was 21. I was 22 at the time. My wife is my one and only and now we are 41 and 42. It didn't bother me that she had partners before me. Not sure what number it would have taken for me to look elsewhere, but I know I wouldn't have been bothered with the story you presented here.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

IMO if he asks prior to the wedding, then you should answer his questions (even at the risk he will decide not to marry you). After the wedding, it's way too late to go there.

Alternatively, inform him it's none of his business (before the wedding). Why? because everything you've experienced to date in life has made you the woman he fell in love with. How you got there (your journey) doesn't matter. And he can chose to marry you or not based on 'who' you are today.

Are the Ex boyfriends entirely out of your life so you never see them (including no social media connection)?

Does your finance ever cross paths with an Ex?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Now a 19 years old woman is considered a child. An 18 years old boy that have sex with a 16 years old girl is a rapist and put on a sex offender list for the rest of his life because today's laws say so.


The elements for statutory rape vary by jurisdiction. In many if not most, if one of the two is under 16 and the other is at least FOUR years older, it's statutory rape, even if the younger one "consents". (A person below the age of consent doesn't have the legal ability to consent.) In some states, the younger only has to be below 18. 



Rob_1 said:


> Everything should be look on perspective, when it comes to these matters nothing is black and white


Actually, in the criminal code, the elements are very much black and white. Whether the statutes are out dated is another question.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

This Q makes people crazy. 

OP your number is very low, both in human beings & the times you engaged in the act itself prior to your BF. 

Put it out of your mind. Now that you are engaged the # in the past is irrelevant. the only # that matters is in the future & that is 1 -- him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sfort said:


> The elements for statutory rape vary by jurisdiction. In many if not most, if one of the two is under 16 and the other is at least FOUR years older, it's statutory rape, even if the younger one "consents". (A person below the age of consent doesn't have the legal ability to consent.) In some states, the younger only has to be below 18.
> 
> 
> Actually, in the criminal code, the elements are very much black and white. Whether the statutes are out dated is another question.


@Sfort. I am perfectly aware of all you just said, legally and morally. But that was not my point. 

In countries like the US the pendulum have swung to the far right when it comes to these matters. I clearly understand that @Jessica811 at 15 had her parents found out, that man would have been in a lot trouble legally, regardless of her objections. It just that just because we have certain laws designed for one thing they get used and turned into vehicles of malficience by the whole judicial system. The US being one of the worst in the world. Laws that were enacted for the protection of children and young adults are being used and twisted to destroy people's lives. 

But my point was not if what she did with this 23 years old is condoned or not legally or otherwise, just that in reality it was not rape. As what we understand rape. Statutory by law in certain parts of the world yes. But, please, let's not just call a man a rapist for it.

There's this case were this boy and girl were boyfriend and girlfriend since she was 14 and he was 16. Both parents were aware, both parents were aware that they were having sex and it was condoned, but when he was 18 and she was 16 they had a fallow out, and the girl's mother got involved and in a vindictive manner, brought charges to the 18 years old boy for statutory rape because she was 16 now, but the legal age of consent was 17. He was convicted of statutory rape and put on a sex offender list. I ask you all is this right? Was he really raping the girl? Why was this law used for this? Please tell me.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> @SfortThere's this case were this boy and girl were boyfriend and girlfriend since she was 14 and he was 16. Both parents were aware, both parents were aware that they were having sex and it was condoned, but when he was 18 and she was 16 they had a fallow out, and the girl's mother got involved and in a vindictive manner, brought charges to the 18 years old boy for statutory rape because she was 16 now, but the legal age of consent was 17. He was convicted of statutory rape and put on a sex offender list. I ask you all is this right? Was he really raping the girl? Why was this law used for this? Please tell me.


I'm not being difficult or argumentative. However, while it may seem that we are splitting hairs, the facts matter. The law matters. The age differences mean a lot. What I hear you saying is that the girl wanted to have sex. She was not forced. I get that. What you're saying is that she consented. All I'm saying is that below the age of consent, she does not have the legal capacity to consent, except in some circumstances. There are many tales of the teenage girl in court crying for mercy for her older boyfriend. Most courts are not sympathetic. Your story above happens more often than a lot of people would imagine. Statutory rape is not something to mess with. Under the law, it's rape. It's not forcible rape, but it's rape. Whether the laws should be changed is another thread. I haven't really thought about it very much.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I hear you. And I know.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Definitely not going any further than here for advice. I spoke to a few girlfriends and they have the yolo attitude right now or it doesn’t matter attitude but I’m not feeling that way right now. I don’t have any guy friends that I can talk to so here I am. Wondering if 3 is going to disappoint my love.


That is very low for 21 yo female. Just have the convo with fiance n if it is a problem best find out now than later. If he has a problem he proly isnt one to marry.

I am as old as your grandpa, all this stessing about a body count is imho wasted effort. Who Cares? Unless prospective bride was a working girl it shouldnt matter. Even those have been known to reform.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*No more threadjacks, please.*


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## Thevengfulone (Jun 18, 2020)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


The amount of sex you had in those relationships to me is very low. It really only matters if you tell him the truth. The past is the past, and everybody has one. If he thinks that is to much. Just tell him that you can't change it, and you did not lie about it. He might accept it he might not. Don't forget to ask for his past record. That you expect him to be honest about it also.He might have a number that in your mind is to high.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You # would not be tge issue, unless the male was virgin and abstaining for same. The only issues i would have with my wife's past are

#1 Do not be friends with past lovers. They. 
are the past, if you want them in your. 
present...i will make myself the past. This. 
includes being buddies with ex's parents, 
You can be friendly, but no chatting all the
time, seeing whats going on in ex's life.


#2 She better not let me associate with her. 
past lovers. Will not be good if i start. 
associating with some dude and he
makes a comment about wife/self in a
sexual subject....i may go to jail. Wife and 
I will definately have issues as she did. 
not warn me.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You’re an unbelievably “pure” catch... Don’t let anyone shame you. Congrats on your upcoming marriage!


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I was intrigued by the term retroactive jealousy. If that is a thing, I've suffered from it for much of my life, though it's abated in recent years. It stems from insecurity. As I did therapy and as I've matured, I've come to see that someone else's past isn't about me. That I'm fine and the past is irrelevant. However, I'm 58 so it sure took me a long time. When I married my third wife 11 years ago, I still had some jealousy. Not as much as when I was younger but it was still there. Eventually I saw that I was hurting her, particularly when she wanted to share something from her past to bring us closer, and I forced her to sidestep it because I couldn't handle it. This motivated me to change and I got through the last bits of it. In moments of extreme contraction it can still come up, like if she brings it up during an argument, in which case I'll just say I can't talk about that right now. 

I can't speak for your finance of course. It's a good idea to discuss this. If he's a typical American male, he'll see you as almost a nun based on your tiny number of past partners. Plus, the number of times with each of them is miniscule. But that's his deal. If he has four partners and expects you to be a virgin, he's put himself in a tough spot. There aren't many 21 year old virgins and getting one might mean overlooking real concerns -- the kind that have real impact on the present and future. Moreover, virginity is a materialistic things when you get right down to it. Like wanting to buy a new car rather than used. It represents a complete failure to focus on truly important things like love and connection. Virginity is just a story. If it means something to someone, it's only because they believe it. It has no existence outside the mind unless one thinks of it as a piece of skin partly covering the vagina, which is even more irrelevant. Some virgins don't have that piece of skin to begin with. For others it survives a first sexual encounter (because it's not a complete barrier; it doesn't go "pop" the first time a woman is penetrated).

I hope you guys discuss it and I hope he reassures you, truthfully, that he's grateful that you chose to be with him. Good luck.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your worth is not tied to the number of sexual partners you’ve had in the past. Whether it’s 4 or 40, you deserve happiness and a fulfilling marriage. Men who shake women over their number of sexual partners so this out of insecurity.

Your count is very close to your fiancé’s! No need to worry either way.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Whether it’s 4 or 40, you deserve happiness and a fulfilling marriage. Men who shake women over their number of sexual partners so this out of insecurity.
> 
> Your count is very close to your fiancé’s! No need to worry either way.


Agreed. Partner count doesn't mean someone should not have a fulfilling marriage. 

Saying men who don't like it when women have a high partner count is due to insecurity is unreasonable. It would be the same if a woman didn't like it if a man had a high partner count. 

That doesn't come from insecurity. It comes from preference. If someone does care about their partner's count, cool. If they do care about their partners count, cool. 

Knocking people for their preference doesn't make much sense. I had ample opportunities to lose my virginity prior to meeting my wife. I chose not to because it was important to me. Many people do not find this to be important. Neither decision is right or wrong. It's just a decision that works as Every individual sees fit. It has nothing to do with insecurity.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


If you love each other and are compatible, your sexual history is irrelevant. Everyone is entitled to a past. It would be problematic if he or you had a hang up on a past lover. That’s not your situation. Enjoy yourself! This is a fabulous time and you’ll never experience anything as magical!!! (Except when you have children!) congratulations! Celebrate your love!!! And don’t worry or be ashamed of your past.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Agreed. Partner count doesn't mean someone should not have a fulfilling marriage.
> 
> Saying men who don't like it when women have a high partner count is due to insecurity is unreasonable. It would be the same if a woman didn't like it if a man had a high partner count.
> 
> ...


I am sorry I don’t know your story, but did you wait until marriage or did you wait until you met your wife?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> I am sorry I don’t know your story, but did you wait until marriage or did you wait until you met your wife?


Waited until I met my wife. We fell in love quickly and it was pretty certain early on in our relationship that we would marry, so I decided at that point I would end my sex embargo.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Agreed. Partner count doesn't mean someone should not have a fulfilling marriage.
> 
> Saying men who don't like it when women have a high partner count is due to insecurity is unreasonable. It would be the same if a woman didn't like it if a man had a high partner count.
> 
> ...


I was not referring to people who chose to abstain entirely and wanted the same for their partner. That is a great accomplishment and I totally understand that perspective. You were not being a hypocrite but had a set standard you wanted when it came to your life partner.

I have an issue with men who split hairs over a body count when they have their own robust sexual history. The number of sexual partners doesn’t even dictate how much experience sexual experience someone has. That all boils down to insecurity and it disgusts me. I’m not over here trying to encourage years of one night stands but it irritates me when women are shamed for exploring their own sexuality/compatibility with potential partners.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

moulinyx said:


> I was not referring to people who chose to abstain entirely and wanted the same for their partner. That is a great accomplishment and I totally understand that perspective. You were not being a hypocrite but had a set standard you wanted when it came to your life partner.
> 
> I have an issue with men who split hairs over a body count when they have their own robust sexual history. The number of sexual partners doesn’t even dictate how much experience sexual experience someone has. That all boils down to insecurity and it disgusts me. I’m not over here trying to encourage years of one night stands but it irritates me when women are shamed for exploring their own sexuality/compatibility with potential partners.


I have compassion for women who look back on their sexual past with regret and I have compassion for men who are insecure. Neither disgusts me. People are human. Everyone struggles and comes up short of their own standard in this way or that. The antidote, in my view, is love. Harsh judgment does no one any good. Particularly the person judging.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Parallax857 said:


> I have compassion for women who look back on their sexual past with regret and I have compassion for men who are insecure. Neither disgusts me. People are human. Everyone struggles and comes up short of their own standard in this way or that. The antidote, in my view, is love. Harsh judgment does no one any good. Particularly the person judging.


A women who looks back on her sexual past with remorse or simply to reflect is not the same thing as being made to feel unworthy by her partner because they are struggling with insecurity. We can agree to disagree, but that doesn’t feel like love to me.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

moulinyx said:


> A women who looks back on her sexual past with remorse or simply to reflect is not the same thing as being made to feel unworthy by her partner because they are struggling with insecurity. We can agree to disagree, but that doesn’t feel like love to me.


Let's be clear. I was not advocating for a man's right to **** shame. Inconsiderate behavior is just that and I'm against it. If it rises to the level of abusive behavior, I'm even more emphatically against it. But if a man is merely insecure about his partner's sexual history, there's nothing inherently abusive going on. Those are his feelings and I definitely feel compassion. It's not easy to be insecure and it's not his fault. Most likely he feels insecure because of early childhood wounds that have nothing to do with his partner, or any other partner in his past. The wound is deeper and arose long before he became a sexual adult. This being human thing isn't easy. We all need compassion.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Parallax857 said:


> Let's be clear. I was not advocating for a man's right to **** shame. Inconsiderate behavior is just that and I'm against it. If it rises to the level of abusive behavior, I'm even more emphatically against it. But if a man is merely insecure about his partner's sexual history, there's nothing inherently abusive going on. Those are his feelings and I definitely feel compassion. It's not easy to be insecure and it's not his fault. Most likely he feels insecure because of early childhood wounds that have nothing to do with his partner, or any other partner in his past. The wound is deeper and arose long before he became a sexual adult. This being human thing isn't easy. We all need compassion.


Just out of curiosity, do you consider my partner count high. We haven’t had the conversation yet but I might bring it up this weekend.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> I was not referring to people who chose to abstain entirely and wanted the same for their partner. That is a great accomplishment and I totally understand that perspective. You were not being a hypocrite but had a set standard you wanted when it came to your life partner.
> 
> I have an issue with men who split hairs over a body count when they have their own robust sexual history. The number of sexual partners doesn’t even dictate how much experience sexual experience someone has. That all boils down to insecurity and it disgusts me. I’m not over here trying to encourage years of one night stands but it irritates me when women are shamed for exploring their own sexuality/compatibility with potential partners.


Thank you for the clarification. I understand your point.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Just out of curiosity, do you consider my partner count high. We haven’t had the conversation yet but I might bring it up this weekend.


Heavens no! Most men would think it low. Some might say you're almost a nun.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Thank you for the clarification. I understand your point.


Thanks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> IMO if he asks prior to the wedding, then you should answer his questions (even at the risk he will decide not to marry you). After the wedding, it's way too late to go there.
> 
> Alternatively, inform him it's none of his business (before the wedding). Why? because everything you've experienced to date in life has made you the woman he fell in love with. How you got there (your journey) doesn't matter. And he can chose to marry you or not based on 'who' you are today.
> 
> ...


If I asked a man I was engaged to a question about his past and he replied 'it's none of your business', I would know we weren't right together.


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## Allieqwerty82 (Jul 16, 2021)

Parallax857 said:


> Heavens no! Most men would think it low. Some might say you're almost a nun.


Thanks for the response, I wasn’t sure if I was being discussed or if the post had gone off on a slight tangent. Thanks for your comments


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> Your worth is not tied to the number of sexual partners you’ve had in the past. Whether it’s 4 or 40, you deserve happiness and a fulfilling marriage. Men who shake women over their number of sexual partners so this out of insecurity.
> 
> Your count is very close to your fiancé’s! No need to worry either way.


Not all men seek a wife with few sexual partners out of insecurity, but because they want someone who sees sex and marriage the same they do.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Thanks for the response, I wasn’t sure if I was being discussed or if the post had gone off on a slight tangent. Thanks for your comments


I sure all will be well when you both discuss it.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Thanks for the response, I wasn’t sure if I was being discussed or if the post had gone off on a slight tangent. Thanks for your comments


No worries. It's part of the same discussion. If your guy is secure in himself, I can't imagine him having a concern. If he's insecure then he may find it challenging to be confronted with your past -- even if there were just one guy before him. If that happens, know that it's not your fault or your doing. You were just living your life. 

You can empathize with a man for being insecure and try to support him in looking at the underlying issue. You can tell him he has nothing to be insecure about, that he's the one you want to marry. That you never think of the men who came before. That you only want to be with him. Those things may help. Or he may need therapy. 

By the way, I was once really insecure and drove women crazy over their pasts. I regret that now. They were just trying to love me and I made it damn hard. Even the one woman who was a virgin when we met and who fell in love with me deeply. In her mind, I could have walked on water for a time (until things went bad at the end, also largely my fault). And I drove her nuts with questions about the one guy she had kissed before we met. All they had done is kissed and it all happened just one night. That I know those details tells you how crazy I was. 

Metaphoically speaking, I was trying to fix the sink when the stove was broken. No how much one tried to work on the sink, it's never gonna fix the stove. If he's hung up, he needs to work on himself. That has nothing to do with you or your sexual past.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Parallax857 said:


> I was intrigued by the term retroactive jealousy. If that is a thing, I've suffered from it for much of my life, though it's abated in recent years.


It is very real. It's good to hear you've gotten it under control. It takes a while.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Not all men seek a wife with few sexual partners out of insecurity, but because they want someone who sees sex and marriage the same they do.


Very true. But here we're talking about a guy who's had four prior partners. Clearly he wasn't saving himself for marriage. If he's expecting to find a woman who is, that's got to be motivated by something more than sincere conviction.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Sfort said:


> It is very real. It's good to hear you've gotten it under control. It takes a while.


Sure did for me. Did you go through something similar? 

Before I got through it, I wasn't sure it was possible. The stories that hold us can be very strong. I look back on it as a kind of prison. Early feminists used to assert that equality would free both men and women. This is the kind of thing they were talking about. Back in the day, men were often caught up in really strong expectations. Our ideas of what it is to be male and female have loosened up over time and yet they can still feel oppressive and debilitating for some. 

Shame is really common among humans. Among men, many feel a need to be strong, to be silent, to perform in bed and the like. The more secure one feels inside, the more we become free to just be ourselves.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Parallax857 said:


> Sure did for me. Did you go through something similar?


It's a lifelong struggle that can take a break for many years and then return with a vengeance.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Sfort said:


> It's a lifelong struggle that can take a break for many years and then return with a vengeance.


I suppose it's possible. In my case, it comes up when I'm really tired or not feeling well so there's some bit of the underlying insecurity still there. But it's small enough that it no longer bothers me when I'm well rested and feeling well. I doubt it will come back because I've healed most of the underlying insecurity.

The exception could be if I were ever in another relationship than the one I'm in now. Perhaps someone else's past would haunt me if it seemed like she was particularly attached to certain aspects of it. With my wife, I don't have a sense that anything like that is true for her. She has a history but it doesn't feel like any of those relationships held a candle to what we have. That no doubt helps. But then I've dated women who had relationships which were once really great in their past and that was less likely to bother me than the meaningless ones. I'd freak out over a weekend with some guy in her past rather than the 20 year marriage so go figure.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is it truly a strange condition.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Is it truly a strange condition.


I just think of it as the human condition. To be afflicted by one challenge or another. Part of our life's journey.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Parallax857 said:


> I just think of it as the human condition. To be afflicted by one challenge or another. Part of our life's journey.


agree, but there are ways of dealing with it. The first step is acknowledging that it is real. The second step is realizing that the problem is with the person suffering from it, not with the person who is getting the grief from the afflicted partner. It's somewhat damaging when people who don't know what it is tell the sufferer to "man up" or "get over it". Most psychologists and psychiatrists don't really understand it. We're making progress, but we sort of have to do it under the cover of darkness. People struggling with it have to disclose a lot of very personal information to get help.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Sfort said:


> agree, but there are ways of dealing with it. The first step is acknowledging that it is real. The second step is realizing that the problem is with the person suffering from it, not with the person who is getting the grief from the afflicted partner. It's somewhat damaging when people who don't know what it is tell the sufferer to "man up" or "get over it". Most psychologists and psychiatrists don't really understand it. We're making progress, but we sort of have to do it under the cover of darkness. People struggling with it have to disclose a lot of very personal information to get help.


So true. One needs to a capacity for vulnerability before one can seek help. Shame can be so huge that people just suffer silently. Again, I think that's part and parcel of what it is to be human. Emerson said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation". In those days women were seen as a variety of men -- literally womb men (or men with wombs, thus "women"). 

I hope you're wrong that most psychologists don't understand it. If so, then I question the basic competence of most psychologists. Hopefully psychiatrists too, though their training is more focused on prescribing drugs. There are certainly incompetent therapists and psychologists but there are brilliant ones too. 

I agree that we're making slow social progress. Our parents and grandparents knew nothing about the needs of children or their own needs. There really wasn't any way to get help in those days. If you went to a psychologist, that meant you were crazy. Now there are many healing modalities. Various schools of therapy, spiritual perspectives focused on healing, self help gurus like Byron Katie. Programs like Landmark Forum. The list goes on and on. Ultimately it's all about bringing love and acceptance to ourselves.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Just out of curiosity, do you consider my partner count high. We haven’t had the conversation yet but I might bring it up this weekend.


I would not bring it up unless he asks. You might be volunteering info he does not really want to know. I have an idea in my mind for my wifes #. I wonder sometimes if there were others....do i want to know?....NO i do not. It just adds to me knowing the # of men who have used my wife. It is important to me to think more highly of my wife.

I would not ask her because i would not want to tell her my #, her 1st hubby was a serial cheater and it took a few years to get her past her distrust of men and thinking tgey all having wandering eyes. 

I asked for count in past up to when i finally relented to a girl in my group. I was looking for the one who had not had sex as i had not. I wanted a marriage where there was no one else involved(memories). I hate that i finally threw away my virginity at 22 because i was mad about being teased, it was not something special with a girl i was in love with.

If our #s were comparable i would not really want to know. I do not think you should tell him unless he asks you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Not all men seek a wife with few sexual partners out of insecurity, but because they want someone who sees sex and marriage the same they do.


I dropped a girl i really liked because one day she started talking about a Fkbuddy back home she would hook up with when she was horny. She figured it was normal and didnt everybody have one. Seriously damaged how i saw her, no matter how good the sex was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> I dropped a girl i really liked because one day she started talking about a Fkbuddy back home she would hook up with when she was horny. She figured it was normal and didnt everybody have one. Seriously damaged how i saw her, no matter how good the sex was.


Sad that she thought that isn't it. Using that phrase would put me off as well.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Sad that she thought that isn't it. Using that phrase would put me off as well.


Interesting how different people are. People relate to sex and sexuality so differently.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Parallax857 said:


> Interesting how different people are. People relate to sex and sexuality so differently.


Yep. Why it is important to find a partner that feels the same way about it. To some of us, sex has meaning and emotion attached....it is not just a fun, feel good activity. Just like when i was in college, i was a virgin and girl in the appt across the hall from me had already slept with over 20 guys.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If I asked a man I was engaged to a question about his past and he replied 'it's none of your business', I would know we weren't right together.


And he would be correct. It is not of your business. That said, along with his right to not reveal his past, comes your right to not be with him because he won't revel that past. The problem with what you and others have put out with regards to the past, is that you phrase it as if knowledge of their past is owed to you somehow, instead of whether or not it is revealed is a factor in your decisions. I fully agree with you that a refusal to disclose in certain areas that are important to a given individual are grounds to no longer be with that person. It's the implication that one has a right to that information, that it is their business to know, that I and others are countering.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Thanks for the response, I wasn’t sure if I was being discussed or if the post had gone off on a slight tangent. Thanks for your comments


It has gone of on tangents, as these threads often do, but almost universally it has been agreed that your numbers are not high at all. It's other aspects of your situation that are being batted back and forth.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Parallax857 said:


> If he's hung up, he needs to work on himself. That has nothing to do with you or your sexual past.


@Allieqwerty82 make sure you read this part several times! This is the most important things in the whole thread.


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## MelanieGreham (Jul 28, 2021)

Allieqwerty82 said:


> Hi everyone, I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years we are planning to get married after
> very excited. But have a problem that is really dragging down my excitement.
> I’ve read through many post here after googling what is the average number of sex partners for a woman my age 21 Yeah, unfortunately that’s the topic that has me anxious.
> Many topics here say don’t worry about it, the past is the past, and many feel good things like that but I’m worried to share with my fiancé my number so what better place than the internet.
> ...


You should to tell truth, but never reminisce about ex and don't tell too much, that past was more beautiful, because I think it is not so.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

MelanieGreham said:


> You should to tell truth, but never reminisce about ex and don't tell too much, that past was more beautiful, because I think it is not so.


I agree with you and I don't get the sense that she reminisces at all. It sounds like the guys in her past were way less significant than the guy she's with now.

I once had a girlfriend who had a pretty wild past. It bothered me. She would say, "What does it matter? The past is dead." Looking back on it, she was right. I was all hung up and there was no reason for it. Had she been pining for one of those guys, I'd have had reason to be agitated and perturbed. Given, however, that her focus was entirely on us, I was ignorant, chasing demons of my own creation.


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