# Can't get over the divorce...



## db52993

Hi,

I been posting here for some time, and my wife has finally divorced me. This was not mutual, but I was amicable. I am 40 yrs old, was married for 15 years. The problem is that it appears everyone is moving on, but I am stuck in this emotional mire that I can not seem to get myself out of. I go to the gym and go out with friends. Nothing is making me happy? I pretend to be happy, and when people ask me how I am doing, I always give the book answer: "good" and smile. Inside, I am miserable. 

What can I do?


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## lifeistooshort

What was behind the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love2laugh

Allow yourself to grieve and be miserable for a while.


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## Wolf1974

Here is the problem I see so often that delays closure and moving on. Do you even know what will make you happy? Here is the thing, you were married and that was a huge part of your identity and now it's gone. You have to reinvent yourself, the old you is gone. Too often people try to get back to normal or feel whole again by refocusing on what they once were, can't do it because it doesn't exist anymore.

This is what I did and it really did help. I sat outside on my deck listening to some 80's Rock, I'm a kid of the 80's so this was my era before us, drank a beer and made my life bucket list. I reinvented who I was and what I wanted from life. Listening to music from when I was a kid helped me remember things I wanted to achieve yet never had. In 5 years I have been able to accomplish 50% of that original list but I admit it continues to expand lol

Bottom line is you need to get a plan, write it down and execute it. You won't dwell on the past when you are busy planning the future


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## Corpuswife

It takes time and allow yourself to grieve in YOUR time. It will get better if you take some action to reinvent yourself a bit (like Wolf said). 

Be gentle to your spirit. It took a hard hit...a REALLY hard one. 

My faith increased and I understand now that no person will make me happy. They are not tied to my destiny. You may not have a faith but I would encourage you to investigate and look at your spirituality (no necessary religion). I am a Christian and I focused on my relationship with Christ. Others it may be how they connect to the universe.


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## Evinrude58

Wolf1974 said:


> Here is the problem I see so often that delays closure and moving on. Do you even know what will make you happy? Here is the thing, you were married and that was a huge part of your identity and now it's gone. You have to reinvent yourself, the old you is gone. Too often people try to get back to normal or feel whole again by refocusing on what they once were, can't do it because it doesn't exist anymore.
> 
> This is what I did and it really did help. I sat outside on my deck listening to some 80's Rock, I'm a kid of the 80's so this was my era before us, drank a beer and made my life bucket list. I reinvented who I was and what I wanted from life. Listening to music from when I was a kid helped me remember things I wanted to achieve yet never had. In 5 years I have been able to accomplish 50% of that original list but I admit it continues to expand lol
> 
> Bottom line is you need to get a plan, write it down and execute it. You won't dwell on the past when you are busy planning the future


This is pretty fabulous and accurate.

I have nothing to add. Don't think there is much that could be added.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel

It takes awhile to get to a good place again, but knowing what happened and coming to terms/accepting it are a big part of that. You might want to invest in some counseling to see if you can help the process along.


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## Holland

How long ago did you divorce? It takes time to move on in a healthy way. 

IME one of the key factors which enabled me to move on in a super healthy way was to take time out and reflect on what I did wrong. What that means is that I took responsibility for my part in the marriage not working. We had no cheating or abuse or any of the bad stuff so no blame to be thrown around there but we all have a part in where we are in life even if we think it is all the other persons fault.
It is very liberating to get to the point of accepting that we have some responsibility in what happened, at that point it is easier to move forward.

Oh and you are still young, in fact you possibly have the best years ahead of you. Life post divorce can be amazing as long as you do the work to heal yourself, learn and grow.


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## db52993

I appreciate your comments, and its all information I been told and heard before.

What was behind the divorce? As I thought the marriage was well and good, my wife had an affair with another person. This was in 2012 to mid 2013. During that time, and up until end of 2014, my wife has withdrawn from me emotionally. There was problems. We talk. I tried to plan events together. We sought counseling. Nothing worked. It wasn't until Dec 2014, she confessed that she was in an inappropriate relationship. Aha!!!! I knew something was going on. She claims no adultery occurred, or more specifically no sex occurred with the other person. She immediately moved out. August 2015 she says she wants a divorce. The divorced just finalized in May 2016. Everything was happening so fast, I am like WTF just happened!! 

I just feel like I am in this funk, or depressed state of mind. I just cant get out of it. I have been alone for 18 months since she left. I have friends, I go out, but not getting any joy. I can't trust anyone, especially women. Can't date, nor interested -- but I really want a relationship. Not sure if its just to fill a void or rebound.

I don't know if I will be ever happy again. :frown2:


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## *Deidre*

Do you have any type of spiritual belief system, or faith? I was an atheist (but a believer before), and then came back to faith last year, and it changed my life, my thinking, my outlook. You might be so down because your identity was wrapped up in your marriage, and in your wife. You have to create a new normal for yourself, and a new way to look at life, without a marriage. I think that is probably at the core of your unhappiness, that you no longer have a strong identity. But, you'll get there.


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## knobcreek

This is a tough read, I've been feeling depressed lately and reading this makes me feel like crawling under my couch with a bottle or bourbon.

The best advice I can give is get your weenie wet, nothing mends a broken heart like new vagina.


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## db52993

Yes, I do have a spiritual belief system, which does help a bit, but still the emotional toll is difficult. My family says that I need this time to figure myself out. Easy said than done. 

Knobcreek: I am not sure what exactly what you meant but if you meant to just go and get find sex with any woman, I am definitely not like that. I have high moral standings (from my spiritual belief system) which I abide by. I want real love, not just a one night stand with anyone. I appreciate your post though.


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## arbitrator

db52993 said:


> Yes, I do have a spiritual belief system, which does help a bit, but still the emotional toll is difficult. My family says that I need this time to figure myself out. Easy said than done.
> 
> Knobcreek: I am not sure what exactly what you meant but if you meant to just go and get find sex with any woman, I am definitely not like that. I have high moral standings (from my spiritual belief system) which I abide by. I want real love, not just a one night stand with anyone. I appreciate your post though.


*Stand by your principles, db! You'll be a far better man for it!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme

db52993 said:


> I appreciate your comments, and its all information I been told and heard before.
> 
> What was behind the divorce? As I thought the marriage was well and good, my wife had an affair with another person. This was in 2012 to mid 2013. During that time, and up until end of 2014, my wife has withdrawn from me emotionally. There was problems. We talk. I tried to plan events together. We sought counseling. Nothing worked. It wasn't until Dec 2014, she confessed that she was in an inappropriate relationship. Aha!!!! I knew something was going on. She claims no adultery occurred, or more specifically no sex occurred with the other person. She immediately moved out. August 2015 she says she wants a divorce. The divorced just finalized in May 2016. Everything was happening so fast, I am like WTF just happened!!
> 
> I just feel like I am in this funk, or depressed state of mind. I just cant get out of it. I have been alone for 18 months since she left. I have friends, I go out, but not getting any joy. I can't trust anyone, especially women. Can't date, nor interested -- but I really want a relationship. Not sure if its just to fill a void or rebound.
> 
> I don't know if I will be ever happy again. :frown2:


Do you think maybe some part of the depression is that you feel like you failed somehow and because of that she cheated? Like if you were just more of this or that she wouldn't have? That is an impossible thing for you to get over because it is a lie. Your wife would have cheated on you if you were George Clooney. 

People cheat because they are selfish. I think maybe you need to deal with these feeling, counseling is a good place to start. Once you get that this was not some failure of yours, you won't be so afraid. I know it is hard. 

Part of this is also time. It just takes time to get over. Right now your neuro pathways are set to point to her. You need time for your brain to rewire.


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## Marc878

If you haven't you need to go no contact with the ex. It'll help you move on much faster.


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## southbound

Fifteen years is a long time. I have been divorced around 6 years, and my case was similar to yours; I was married 18 years and my wife asked for the divorce, not me.

First, I agree with the advice of others that you need to carve your own path now. With that said, I can only relate my story. I found it to be like I had read; it was an emotional roller coaster. There would be good days and bad.

At first, I was totally in the dumps. I wasn't technically depressed, I could still function, but I felt terrible and the heart was heavy. I'd come in from work and just lie around on the couch all evening; I didn't feel like doing much. We had a civil divorce, so I picked the kids up in the drive at her house, and that was painful for a long time. After a while, and I don't know exactly how long, I would have days that I felt fairly normal. That would last a while, and then something might trigger the dumps again. It might be hearing something about her or just having a memory. As time passed, the period of being in the dumps grew shorter, and the stretch of good emotional days would be longer. When I did have a down day, the pain got less and less as time passed, until finally, i felt I was emotionally healthy again.

I am also a person who thinks logically, so I would have talks with myself, so to speak. For one, I decided that feeling terrible for a while was normal. Heck, I figured if I could just shake off 18 years of marriage in a few days, my heart must be made of stone, and I'd be more worried about that than feeling bad about it. Also, after I read the roller coaster theory, I noticed that it seemed to be playing out that way for me. So, whenever I would have a down period, I just told myself that it was part of the normal healing process and muddle through it. I also read that it takes a month for each year of marriage to completely get over it. I'm not sure I agree with that, but it's not a complete heal overnight. My divorce happened in just 3 months. Maybe the fact that yours took longer has delayed the healing process, even though you were apart. Maybe it just didn't seem final to you until it was official. 

Like I said, I wasn't technically depressed or suicidal, just extremely down in the dumps. 

I will also add that we did not contact each other after the divorce unless it related to the kids. I mention that because I know there are all kinds of situations when people divorce. Some continue to communicate a lot about things other than the kids, some guys continue to go over and do chores at her house, but I broke ties. I don't know what your situation is there.

Basically, try to move on with some things you want to do and accept that you may not feel great for a while, but that will come in time.

Something else, I did not date after the divorce. I know some people date right away, but I wasn't feeling it. I actually took time to get to know who I was as a person.


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## BetrayedDad

db52993 said:


> my wife had an affair with another person.


Okay so we established your wife's a POS.



db52993 said:


> I just feel like I am in this funk, or depressed state of mind. I just cant get out of it.


So why does ridding yourself of a disgusting turd bother you?!?

You need counseling. To figure out why you are upset about someone treating you like garbage, disrespecting you in the worst way, then being all sad they aren't still around to disrespect you some more.

Obviously she fvcked this other man (possibly other men) like a rabbit, don't be a fool and think otherwise. Cheaters are first and foremost LIARS.

Get some help for your beta doormat and codependency issues. You should be CELEBRATING. You need to wake up to the fact that she did you a HUGE favor.

See it from the perspective that you now have another chance to fix the mistake of marrying that piece of trash from 15 yrs ago. We all do dumb things in our youth. She's your dumb thing.


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## Adelais

db52993 said:


> I appreciate your comments, and its all information I been told and heard before.
> 
> What was behind the divorce? As I thought the marriage was well and good, my wife had an affair with another person. This was in 2012 to mid 2013. During that time, and up until end of 2014, my wife has withdrawn from me emotionally. There was problems. We talk. I tried to plan events together. We sought counseling. Nothing worked. It wasn't until Dec 2014, she confessed that she was in an inappropriate relationship. Aha!!!! I knew something was going on. She claims no adultery occurred, or more specifically no sex occurred with the other person. She immediately moved out. August 2015 she says she wants a divorce. The divorced just finalized in May 2016. Everything was happening so fast, I am like WTF just happened!!
> 
> I just feel like I am in this funk, or depressed state of mind. I just cant get out of it. I have been alone for 18 months since she left. I have friends, I go out, but not getting any joy. I can't trust anyone, especially women. Can't date, nor interested -- but I really want a relationship. Not sure if its just to fill a void or rebound.
> 
> I don't know if I will be ever happy again. :frown2:


I'm sorry you went through that. It is devastating, and you are devastated.

It will take time, and effort on your part to find your new "you." Just take it one day at a time, start by doing little things for yourself, keeping contact with friends, and don't neglect yourself. If you believe in God, now is the time to lean on Him. If you don't believe in God, now might be the time to ask God to prove to you that He is real.


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## Nomorebeans

I'm in a very similar place as southbound and you. I was married for 25 years. We have a 14-year old son. He basically left me for another woman. Asked for a divorce in January of last year, I found out about her in February, and the divorce was final by July.

I think it actually is true that it takes about a month for every year of marriage - I'm about 12 months in, and while I'm finally having more good days than bad days and starting to forge my own path again, I really believe I'm going to need about another year to fully heal.

I'm with southbound and you, too, that I have no desire to just go out and sleep with someone, or even to date. As southbound said, I'm just not feeling it. I do at least occasionally notice an attractive man now and feel the old stirrings - I feel like I had my head permanently down for the better part of the first year - until about a month or two ago. But still, no desire to date. I still feel quite torn apart inside, though it does feel like it's finally starting to become a scar instead of a gaping wound. 

I also don't want to just date random men. I want love - real love - or I'd just as soon be alone. I also don't want to expose my son to random boyfriends, or show him that a good response to heartbreak is to go out partying at bars every night. Those things are just not happening in this household.

I know the roller coaster feeling very well. I do still feel like I'm on one, but it's a kiddie coaster now - no longer The Beast at King's Island. The rises and falls are not nearly as steep as they used to be. Today, for example, I met with him and his estate planning attorney to sign a "Quit Order" so that I no longer part-own the house he's currently living in, which was our first house together that we kept as a rental when we upgraded 10 years ago to the nicer one my son and I are in now. And he signed one, too, so that he no longer part-owns this house. That was all per the settlement, but we just hadn't gotten around to truly making each of our houses our own. Even a month or two ago, I would have dreaded doing this and would have cried in my car on my way home. But I've come far enough in just these last two months that I not only didn't cry, I felt kind of elated afterwards, like I was finally taking a step in the right direction, which is away from him. I can't do NC like I'd like to because we have a son together and he's still pretty involved in his life, which is a good thing. But I can limit the influence he has in my life. And now that we've completed the split financially, I can limit my dealings with him to only those that pertain directly to our son.

southbound and others who've been dealing with the aftermath of such a divorce for longer than I have give me hope. I know many people my age who have gone through the same kind of divorce, who, years later, are either happily remarried or happily single - either way, they're happy, and sincerely feel better off without their unfaithful ex-spouses. I don't know any who fell into the depths of despair and couldn't climb their way out. So I know I'll make it, too. We all will.


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## southbound

Nomorebeans said:


> I feel like I had my head permanently down for the better part of the first year - until about a month or two ago. But still, no desire to date. I still feel quite torn apart inside, though it does feel like it's finally starting to become a scar instead of a gaping wound.


Same here. I'm so glad that I didn't try to patch hurt feeling with another relationship. I know a lot of people think think that everyone is just bursting at the seams to date, but we don't because we feel we can't trust anymore or that we got burned. For me, I just discovered that I'm fine with being single. I might not have discovered that if I had jumped right back into dating. I'm not totally writing off another relationship in my life somewhere down the road, but I just want it to happen naturally. I'm not on the prowl so to speak. 



Nomorebeans said:


> I also don't want to expose my son to random boyfriends


Same here. My x wife did the random boyfriend thing. My daughter hated every one of them, and has no time for the guy she is currently married to. With me staying single, they were able to come around me and feel comfortable and just be with dad. It was an escape for them. I don't know how they would have handled things had I been caught up in dating too. 



Nomorebeans said:


> I can't do NC like I'd like to because we have a son together and he's still pretty involved in his life, which is a good thing. But I can limit the influence he has in my life. And now that we've completed the split financially, I can limit my dealings with him to only those that pertain directly to our son.


I'm not sure how i managed the NC so well. We only live about 4 miles apart; maybe that had something to do with it. There wasn't any big planning needed for visitation.

Another thing, we never payed much attention to the specifics of the visitation order; specifics were in the divorce order just like with anyone, but the lawyer actually said we could do whatever we wanted to do if both were agreeable. We followed the basic plan where I saw them every other weekend and once through the week, but we didn't do the thing where I had them from 6 to 9 on certain days and groundhog day on odd years. 

We also didn't do the thing where they spent a certain amount of time with one on major holidays, and then left and went to the other house. We just did two different days. That way, the kids didn't have to feel rushed to open gifts so they could leave for the other house. I think that was best on the kids; they didn't feel so jerked around.

It was no big deal if it wasn't my day to have them, but we decided to go to town and do whatever and get in late, and visa versa. But, that may have been possible only because we lived so close together. 



Nomorebeans said:


> southbound and others who've been dealing with the aftermath of such a divorce for longer than I have give me hope. I know many people my age who have gone through the same kind of divorce, who, years later, are either happily remarried or happily single - either way, they're happy, and sincerely feel better off without their unfaithful ex-spouses. I don't know any who fell into the depths of despair and couldn't climb their way out. So I know I'll make it, too. We all will.


Yes, we all will make it. There may be some dark days, but it will eventually fade and all will be well. 

I've decided there will always be a little weirdness about the whole situation, and I accept that as normal. After spending a huge chunk of my life with someone, that can't just be erased or forgotten, and from time to time, there will always be questions that float around in the mind, but the day will come that it will no longer be painful. That day has come for me as it will everyone in time.


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## foolscotton3

I've spent the last year since my divorce outdoors, doing things I never thought I would enjoy.


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## Nomorebeans

southbound said:


> I just discovered that I'm fine with being single. I might not have discovered that if I had jumped right back into dating. I'm not totally writing off another relationship in my life somewhere down the road, but I just want it to happen naturally. I'm not on the prowl so to speak.


This is exactly it for me, too. 




southbound said:


> With me staying single, they were able to come around me and feel comfortable and just be with dad. It was an escape for them. I don't know how they would have handled things had I been caught up in dating too.


Right here with you, too. I feel like my son's had enough upheaval in his life - he doesn't need me to add to it by forcing him to deal with yet another awkward situation with someone who isn't one of his parents. I want him to feel that he can always just be with me - that I'm just Mom - not "Mom and her boyfriend." If I ever just happen to meet someone who turns out to be the man I've been waiting for, really, all my life, I plan to take it very slowly and discreetly with him for a very, very long time before I even introduce him to my son, let alone inject him into our home life.



southbound said:


> not sure how i managed the NC so well. We only live about 4 miles apart; maybe that had something to do with it. There wasn't any big planning needed for visitation.
> 
> Another thing, we never payed much attention to the specifics of the visitation order; specifics were in the divorce order just like with anyone, but the lawyer actually said we could do whatever we wanted to do if both were agreeable. We followed the basic plan where I saw them every other weekend and once through the week, but we didn't do the thing where I had them from 6 to 9 on certain days and groundhog day on odd years.
> 
> We also didn't do the thing where they spent a certain amount of time with one on major holidays, and then left and went to the other house. We just did two different days. That way, the kids didn't have to feel rushed to open gifts so they could leave for the other house. I think that was best on the kids; they didn't feel so jerked around.


We have done all of that, too - almost exactly so. He lives 8 miles away. And our son's school is about smack dab in the middle between us, so it's made coordinating things fairly easy. My son's actually with me most of the time. During the school year, it just made sense, because his Dad isn't zoned for his same school even though he's as close to it as we are, and the bus comes right into our neighborhood and down the street from where we live. And his Dad was often gone on weekends for his job (he's a pilot). The plan was for him to stay with his Dad (and his girlfriend) for three or four days and nights during his Spring Break a couple months ago. But he asked to come home after just one night, because he felt so "awkward and weird" over there. I don't like the idea of "making him" spend nights over there, because my parents divorced when I was quite young, and I remember how spending nights with my father and his girlfriend, who eventually became my stepmother, was excruciating. If my son and his Dad didn't spend so much time together (2-3 hours after school every day, and the occasional weekend day when his Dad happens to be off), I'd feel bad about that. But I really don't.



southbound said:


> I've decided there will always be a little weirdness about the whole situation, and I accept that as normal. After spending a huge chunk of my life with someone, that can't just be erased or forgotten, and from time to time, there will always be questions that float around in the mind, but the day will come that it will no longer be painful. That day has come for me as it will everyone in time.


Thanks so much for this. It really helps me, and I hope it helps the OP, to know that others feel like this. And that not being able to just erase the memory of, in my case, more than half my life, is not only normal - it's a sign of the depth of our character, and the tenderness of our hearts. It's not something to be ashamed of or to try to wish away.

I was just talking with an old friend yesterday about some funny things that happened at our wedding reception, and I was able to laugh about it all. I wouldn't have been able to do that two or three months ago.


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