# Uptight male partner, crazy over sexual female partner



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Hey all 

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years, I'm 26 and he's 31. 

I'l try not to rabbit on, but when I met him I let him know straight up that I'm naturally polygamous and I'm more of a pan sexual, queer type (be gentle I don't expect anyone to get it), anyway have tried fitting the mould hasn't worked and needless to say I'm very sexual. We agreed to more or less to have a monogamous relationship with the occasional play of women. We instantly connected and have been very emotionally content ever since, we fell into each others lives just when we needed each other most. We are pretty supportive of each other always laughing loving each others company, seldom argue....

aside when it comes to sex.....Don't get me wrong when we actually have it , amazing. But in the space of three years, I can count how many times we have had actual intercourse on one hand. Call me dramatic , but this breaks my heart. 

I really like a guy to be in charge in the bedroom and the feeling is mutual with him. Unfortunately he is often in too much of a rant mood to get jiggy, he's always too warm , too peeved , too may tea cups about, bed annoys him by siding about to much. He's actually grouped me whilst complaining about something and was surprised to find I wasn't in the mood after he downloaded some distaste of life in general.He also complains about his weight making him feel under confident and like crap energy wise and I keep assuring him that I find him very attractive which I do. To me good sex and an adequate amount of sexual tension comes from playfulness or the opposite of up tightness. I love him very much but it's affecting both our confidences.

It's a long shot folks but I'm wondering how to solve this one

If this is about his confidence which I suspect that is a part of it, how long do I have to wait until he feels better?

Thank you for reading and any constructive advice you may, hell I'l even settle for a good heart to heart with someone in a similar situation as I wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing these details with someone in RL. 

P.S yes he finds me attractive, no he's not cheating and I don't mind that he watches porn, he hates counsellors/doctors


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Something tells me that your polyamory is getting to him more than even he realizes. Not everyone is cut out for the gig.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Maybe, I will ask him if me being naturally polygamous is what's bothering him. Thank you

But the thing is, we are in a monogamous relationship, the only thing I've did outside the relationship is kiss 1 girl and it was with his consent and knowledge. I've never expressed being attracted to anyone else, if anything he knows and follows more porn stars than I do.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

Be careful or you'll end up in my situation. Less than 5 times in 3 years wont be good enough for long, and the longer your involved the harder it is to get out.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

:iagree: It's not even good enough now. I've saw couples who have even started to hate each other. But I'm thinking either way I won't worry, if it works out it works out, if not then so be it. I love him enough to love him more than I need him and for that sake I hope we find a way to enjoy more time together.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You have horrible decision making abilities. Why on God's Grey Earth would you ever hook up with someone you know is fundamentally incompatible?


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

That's almost where we are i have begun to hate him. He says he loves me, but for how long. You seem like you are having fun though. Enjoy the journey, just know when to bail. Its hard when you love him, but resent him at the same time.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Well I'm sorry If I made a terrible mistake by your standards!

Well that depends on what you mean by fundamentally incompatible. For the most part we are extremely compatible that's why I'm so happy in every other area and my decision has mostly served me just fine thank you very much.

It depends what your referring too ,I will say that I wasn't expecting to be shouted at ,although conflicting opinions are fine. So I didn't bother with every little detail. What I mean by uptight, is he is uptight with his general demeanour, certainly not his attitude, as I stated in other sexual attitudes our feelings are mutual. You cannot predict a persons feelings/behaviour.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

boredandconfused said:


> That's almost where we are i have begun to hate him. He says he loves me, but for how long. You seem like you are having fun though. Enjoy the journey, just know when to bail. Its hard when you love him, but resent him at the same time.


You'll get there:smthumbup:


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You sound really cool. I didn't understand a word you said, but I like you.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You say the porn doesn't bother you? Maybe it should.
How often does he madturbate?
His sexual energy sure isn't going towards you. 

When two people focus on each other sexually rather then others, including porn there is usually more creative fun and sexual energy between them. 

His focus isn't where it should be.

I wouldn't stay with someone who neglected me like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You sound really cool. I didn't understand a word you said, but I like you.


Thanks bro

yeah that happens a lot haha



*LittleDeer* said:


> You say the porn doesn't bother you? Maybe it should.
> How often does he madturbate?
> His sexual energy sure isn't going towards you.
> 
> ...



Eh wellll I have my own theories on that , on how to focus your energy and otherwise,but but but I can see where your coming from, wouldn't hurt to give it a whirl either. It's not like he's clicking away every night, again the up tightness comes into play there too. We would both be into porn but not massively.

Porn has helped him to loosen up a bit those few times though, which was why I never was too bothered about it, that and my sex life has been fine with other porn watchers. In case your wondering why I didn't care so much. 
I think your right about the focusing energy on each other sexually part, I think because he is up tight he finds it hard to focus it, at all. 

Neglect is a strong word, but non the less my needs are important and I realise that. 

Thanks


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

LoveYourself said:


> What I mean by uptight, is he is uptight with his general demeanour, certainly not his attitude, as I stated in other sexual attitudes our feelings are mutual. You cannot predict a persons feelings/behaviour.


Well that's true enough but aren't you just manifesting that age old female "I'll fix him" syndrome? When does that ever work? And none of this, by your own admission was a surprise...so.....where did you think this was heading?

People have a limitless capacity to ignore all the messed up things about people if there's something they like or even just want very badly. Sure she ho's around and smokes crack and spends all the money and disappears for days on end and is a bad mother, but "I love her". "Yeah he's a creep to me and beat me up a few times and gave me he clap he got from a some stripper and he hangs out with his dumbass buddies all the time, but he's really really kind inside....he doesn't mean it"

See the issue that needs some exploration is what you REALLY get out of all this discontinuity? What did the process and the end game look like in your mind when you signed up?


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

boredandconfused said:


> Be careful or you'll end up in my situation. Less than 5 times in 3 years wont be good enough for long, and the longer your involved the harder it is to get out.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well that's true enough but aren't you just manifesting that age old female "I'll fix him" syndrome? When does that ever work? And none of this, by your own admission was a surprise...so.....where did you think this was heading?
> 
> People have a limitless capacity to ignore all the messed up things about people if there's something they like or even just want very badly. Sure she ho's around and smokes crack and spends all the money and disappears for days on end and is a bad mother, but "I love her". "Yeah he's a creep to me and beat me up a few times and gave me he clap he got from a some stripper and he hangs out with his dumbass buddies all the time, but he's really really kind inside....he doesn't mean it"
> 
> See the issue that needs some exploration is what you REALLY get out of all this discontinuity? What did the process and the end game look like in your mind when you signed up?


Well firstly I don't want to change him and I am comfortable with the idea of us splitting, not thrilled about it of course but I believe I've never owned him and I don't want to sabotage the good times by clinging to something that doesn't work. I've never actually talked about it to anyone before bar now because the circumstances are bizarre in terms of our sexual nature.

And it's more that he wants to relax and he wants more sex, the issue being he hasn't been all that productive with the soul searching. 

I've tried to be careful about the whole not changing him thing including the thing women do in public where they say, ehh haha he actually meant that.

I was pretty surprised you know, pretty shocked actually..who'd thought that over the space of that long someone would be so enveloped in rant mode that it led to that little sex. Most people can turn their minds off and enjoy themselves.

I will get nothing out of this continuity if he does not allow himself to relax that shadow will creep over the rest of our relationship and we will want to kill each other. And so realistically I'm aware it may not work, but as I say it was a long shot and I care enough about him to humour the idea and I'm enjoying it enough in every other area bar the up tightness. I was only 23 when we met I wasn't thinking , now this has to be a lifer , I just wanted to have a fun relationship where we got each other. 

Thank you


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There is an inherent rift here sexually because you two seem to be at opposite extremes.

You consider yourself to be a pansexual with a high drive, and a thirst for a very high variety of possible sexual encounters and partners. Though you have chosen to exist within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship, that is still your preferred way.

You have a man who, as you call him, is "uptight". He's got serious body image issues, and likely has a naturally lower drive, and a much more limited scope for sexual desire than you.

Now if your man is dealing with any insecurities at all, imagine how it feels to him that you have the potential to be attracted to _anybody in the world_? This isn't to say that you'd sleep with just anybody, but as a pan you could potentially be attracted to any and every single type of person out there; it depends on the individual. If he's feeling insecure already, he could be crushed under the weight of your sexual options.

When it comes to body issues it doesn't matter much to the sufferer if you think they're attractive. The issue is how they feel about themselves. If bad enough, poor self image issues can get some smothering that they totally kill one's sex drive, or if not the drive, the willingness to expose their body to their sexual partner.

Have you had a really frank conversation about how HE feels about your sexual drive, his own drive, his real feelings about your polygamous desires and pansexuality, and his own body? The kind of conversation where you say nothing at all, and give him the safe place to say exactly how he feels about it all?

And what is he saying when in "rant" mode?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The good news: this is a man who truly likes you and enjoys your company

The bad news: The sex drive of an average 31 year old man is not only high, it is cumulative like hunger for food. That drive is strong enough to blast through a brick wall - much less teacups, and bedding and other nonsense.

Right now, he is the only person who knows the real reason you two aren't having sex. If you wish to triangulate, try to get a sense of his sexual patterns with prior partners. I am going to guess you will discover there was always something in the way - some obstacle that impaired their sex life. 

Even the most honest people in the world lie about their preferences when telling the truth would harm or end their relationship.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/7545-hes-just-not-interested-me-anymore.html

This is my primary post on Birdsong's thread. The interesting thing is that she recognized many of the behaviors/tactics described below after she read them. 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..
I am very lucky. I married a wonderful person. Just remember something. Talking about sex - when the sexual relationship has gotten "off track" is very scary. And the really sad part about that is the "low drive" spouse will make a MAJOR effort to not let the "high drive" spouse address the issue. Just so you are forewarned - and this is from lots and lots of reading, the primary tactics used by low drive spouse:
- Denial of problem (they will say in a indignant voice, all relationships have ebbs and flows, this is totally normal. Stop worrying about it, everything is fine). This is a lie. They know it is a lie. No sex for 2 months is NOT close to normal. 

- Attack you: You are the problem. 
You are nagging, you are mean, 
you are critical, your shirts too green. This is all nonesense too. If you were all these bad things - you would already know that, and know that you were driving him away. You are fine - he is using a tactic. 

- Intimidate you: This is usually "relationship" intimidation. They get really angry and try to project that YOU are risking the entire relationship. 

- Soft shoe: This is where they swirl you around the room (figuratively speaking) with promises of the rapture to come. It never does. You might get one night of mercy sex 

- Direct Lying: "Baby I am so sorry, I have been really stressed at work."
Liar, liar pants on fu*king fire. For a MAN, sexual desire is cumulative. It is like physical hunger. The longer he goes without, the more his desire rises. This is just basic physiology. I have had some very stressful jobs. At worst that cut my desire in half. At the absolute worst. This is purely a cross gender tactic. NO GAY MAN would ever try this with his partner. Because the partner would fall on the floor laughing hysterically - then get up and say - if you ever tell me such a blatant lie again we are done. Lets try again - why are we not having sex. 

There are lots of other types of direct lying. Many are predicated on the fact that - not being a man - you have no idea how man actually feel. 

But I will tell you this and this I mean. Lets say my wife gained some weight - like enough for me to be bummed out. Yes it might reduce my desire level for her (sorry just being honest) but because I don't have a masturbation habit/porn habit all that would happen is that it would take a few extra days for my desire level to build to the point where I want her. Not weeks, sure as hell not months. 

Sorry for the rant - I hate the lying associated with this stuff. Not because of the lying itself, but because of how harmful it is to the spouse being lied to.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.



MEM11363 said:


> The good news: this is a man who truly likes you and enjoys your company
> 
> The bad news: The sex drive of an average 31 year old man is not only high, it is cumulative like hunger for food. That drive is strong enough to blast through a brick wall - much less teacups, and bedding and other nonsense.
> 
> ...


----------

