# is showing love/ being romantic considered unmanly?



## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend believes that being mushy or loving with your girlfriend is a sign of weakness.... 
Is that why he's 
I tried to tell him that girls see it as a turn on but he just blew it off. 

Like he'll be like reading posts of his friends talking about how much they love their gfs and stuff on facebook and he's like "hes not a "real guy". 
I get nothing out of him in public other then a quick smooch when i'm really lucky and i ask for it... . 
And even alone i don't get much more then that at all... 

we don't cuddle... we barely hold hands for any longer then a few minutes. I'm extremely lucky to get an arm around me. Sometimes he'll go all day without kissing me at all. and even then its like a quick kiss goodnight before he rolls over to go to sleep. terms of endearment... he doesn't even know what they are. 

Is this like a man thing... like its not manly to love someone?
Or is he just lazy? 
How do i get him to be more loving? 

We've been together for almost 3 year and we're living together.... this is an ongoing battle. After about the first month when he "caught" me its like he no longer had to try cus he already got me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Many men are highly affectionate. Rather than changiing him to something he his not, move on and find a man that meets your needs for affection.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband is very manly and he actually is more affectionate than I am. I agree with Hicks find a man that meets your needs rather than trying to change this one.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

The first rule of being truly manly is to not give a d*** about whether or not people think you are manly. I grew up very rough, living in an area where you better know how to handle a knife. I love romantic comedies, because they give me the opportunity to let the hands wander under the blanket with my wife, and I don't know if I could even fall asleep without her head on my shoulder. Lose the guy, and find someone whose not afraid to be a man, and understand that he's found a good thing. Life doesn't give many do-overs.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If he doesn't change, he is going to lose you one day! 

This is macho, not manly! 

A manly man knows when to stand up for himself and when to show affection!

Non sexual touch is very important to a woman. I think non sexual touch to a woman is like fertilizer to a plant, it nourishes her emotional connection to her man. 

Holding hands, looking at each other with loving eyes, a gentle kiss on the lips, all these kinds of things get a woman warm in heart and wild in bed! 

But how can you change a donkey into a horse?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh I think the key is balance, can't exactly go mushy mushy all day long nor can you be a hard-ass all day long either.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

dude sounds like a loser. Find someone who will show you some love, before it's too late!


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

he's like the macho type. like he looks at guys like their pansies if they put lotion on even. 

I mean he loves me he just doesn't show it. i've had many fights with him where i'd say i'm leaving and he'll get mad and defensive first but then he'll be like how can i make you stay... NOTHING happens... 

time goes by, same thing, same fight same outcome. nothing. 

like is he just an idiot or does he not give a ****? 
he'll tell me i'm too much of a ***** to him so he doesn't want to be all mushy to me. but im not really a ***** 24/7... even when i'm all sweet and affectionate... i might get a little but then he just gets lazy again after a few days. . 

nothings permanent. 
I can't leave. i've given up trying. i don't have the heart. we are living together in a different state. its not just as simple as breaking up anymore. i love the guy and he loves me. he just can't show it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

To be blunt, he's an idiot, his thinking seems warped and if he isn't willing to work on it i would move on.

I realize you think you love him, but I wonder why. He is definately not meeting your needs and you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness if you stay.

You could give him one last ultimatum, don't fight with him. write him a letter and tell him what being a manly man means to you. 

For example you could list traits of a good strong manly man, and include being loving, affectionate and kind. A real man is not afraid to be themselves and let their guard down for those they love. A good man can be dominate and knows how to stand up for himself, yet is also caring and loving, he has a good balance. 

Tell him exactly what you need from him, let him know that while you are not getting these things you will never be happy.

Ask him to go to IC and marriage counseling as well.

One more thing, could he be gay? I know that some gay men project like that and try to put up a very macho front. Sorry to be alarmist, what you said just struck a chord with me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Love is not what makes you happy with a partner. His ability to show love in the way you need it will be the difference between a happy and a sad life for you. He's not an idiot. He is who he is. You are going to suffer trying to change him into something he is not.


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

I do love the man tho. I really think he's just lazy and set in his ways. He claims he'd love to be that guy but he just never makes the effort. Its gotten better but that just means little things a few times a week rather than twice a month. And now when i say something to him he's just like "nothings good enough for you" 
And i'm starting to think he's right. 

Do men just get lazy? I mean if we were married for 20 years i prolly wouldn't be concerned... but we've only been dating for 2 1/2 years and we aren't even engaged yet. I feel like its just downhill from here. 

He won't admit that he thinks its unmanly its just a theory i have from comments he makes. He just keeps saying he will try, but he doesn't and i dont' know how to kick him in the ass!

The last kick in the ass he got was when he decided it would be a good idea to tell his ex girlfriend he misses her... I was really gonna leave on that one. Enough is enough. But i saw a side of him i've never seen before and the man actually had tears in his eyes. He promised me things would be different...and they are... we used to fight a lot more then we do. But then its just like time went by and that was that. almost like he literally thought ok shes staying i don't have to make an effort anymore. 
He doesn't understand the fact that women need that touch that closeness... and for forever, like everyday, constantly... he's fine without it. just having me in his life is all he needs.


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## Crftlot490 (May 13, 2011)

Have you tried communicating to him and really telling him how this makes you feel? Sometimes men (and women) need gentle reminders about subjects like this. I am not a man, but in my humble opinion, being a "real" man is about doing whatever you can to please your family and your Lord =). 

"Real" men aren't afraid to let their true feelings for their wives and gfs manifest itself in physical form, gifts, kind words, etc. I don't believe you are trying to "change" him because you want him to be more affectionate. The thing about being in a relationship it that we have to learn when to be mature enough to change ourselves and do what's best for the health of the relationship rather than accusing the other party of attempting to change us and being too stubborn to improve our own behavior. 

Relationships aren't about pure "convenience" and getting to share your life with someone else while still getting to behave exactly the same way you were when you were single. They are about sacrifice, and I don't see as too much of a sacrifice to hold your girl friend's hand--it's not like it will kill him or damage his manly ego =) the both of you should be taking advantage of these simple ways to show each other that you care. I think this blatant disregard for your feelings about this issue is a manifestation of some other deep rooted problem he may have. If someone can't even do something as simple as show a little more affection, what will happen when you have more grand requests?? 

I don't think you should "move on" simply because he doesn't show enough affection. No one is perfect, and you may move on to another man who shows adequate affection and is lacking in some other area. This is why relationships are about compromise because no one will ever be 100% perfect and meet all of your needs. A good partner is one who is willing to mature and work with you on these issues instead of simply sweeping them under the rug. You aren't trying to change your partner anytime you want them to improve in a certain area. Certain things are just counterproductive in relationships, and lack of affection is one of them. 

I would suggest having a serious convo with him and letting him know how important this is to you and gauge his reaction. If he does not care, it may be general disregard for your feelings and him feeling like he does not have to comply with anything you want so long as he does not like it. If this is something that is that important to you, you may have to move on. Best of luck to you!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Unmanly =yes.

But that isn't necessarily wrong. We as men have no clue about women. So unmanly is probably a good thing.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

How much do you know about the way he grew up? Maybe he had a rough childhood, or he had that stern father that insisted his son not show emotions, cause it makes you look weak. Was he abused therefore he maybe absent of certain emotions. He may have had a domineering mom, so he doesn't trust women enough to expose himself emotionally.

This is just another perspective other than, "he's a jerk." Try to find out some info. from his past. You might learn he is damaged, then that is a whole new ball game.
Good luck to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

is showing love/ being romantic considered unmanly? 



Gosh I hope not.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kate0558 said:


> Do men just get lazy? I mean if we were married for 20 years i prolly wouldn't be concerned... but we've only been dating for 2 1/2 years and we aren't even engaged yet. I feel like its just downhill from here.


NO, good men who are deeply in love with their women do not get lazy, he is either not head over heels for you (telling his EX he misses her on FB not a good sign-even with an apology, something is lacking in his heart to do that)......

and/or his love languages do not include affection in the way you will EVER be satisfied with. Please do yourself a favor & find another who will want to lavish this on you willingly, abundantly and freely - not something you have to beg for, plead for and have long conversations about. 

That is demeaning to the spirit. Never marry a man like this, if these things are important to you, you will regret it sourly & bitterly. 

It sounds you found an ALPHA male with all the BAD traits & have fallen in love with him, you continue to hang on, he keeps the carrot dangling just enough to keep you to stay, but you are not happy. 

You are better than this. Many good mushy doting affectionate men exist out there. Some may be looked upon as the "Nice Guys who finish last" crowd, complete opposite of what you are dealing with & the type your macho man makes fun of. Some women are not attracted to these types, even though they say they want it , once they get it, they get bored somehow. I will never understand those women, but that is OK. 

Love is crazy & blind for many. 

I married the Mushy affectionate head over heels for me Nice shy guy type. He is as affectionate now , maybe even more so as he was 21 yrs ago when we married. Don't settle for anything less than what truly fullfills you in a man. He must touch your heart daily and kissing and affection, oh my absolutely! I could never be with someone who lacked these things, I would "wither" my spirt. Some things are just essential in a loving relationship. 

Things should be heated, passionate with nothing lacking, especially before marraige.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You do know that there's a certain amount that different women can actually take in terms of romantic lovey doveys and such; especially in different cultures.

Depending on the woman, a man may only feel that he is only able to be romantic to a woman who he TRUSTS is more receptive of his emotions and feelings. My first for example when I was very young, didn't really like the lovey dovey crap unless it's called for.

My wife however nowadays can't get enough of the lovey dovey crap. Different women do shape us men and our patterns in terms of giving out lovey doveys.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I don't think showing emotion is wrong. One of the things that led my wife to stray was that I buried all my emotions, never cried, never got enraged etc. 

Working on that has opened me up to a lot in both my life and my marriage and I realized how closed off and isolated I made myself. Won't do that again. 

Also realized that I made myself very needy, getting all my validation, etc from her. Won't do that either. Getting slim, getting in shape, getting my head on straight, for me. If she benefits from it, all the good, but no more doing things because I need her to validate it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is mercy unmanly? I don't think it is.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Is mercy unmanly? I don't think it is.


Those who are merciful when they should be cruel will be cruel when they should be merciful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not a big fan of St Augustine, are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

FYI, my Christian mc told me yesterday in no uncertain terms that I am responsible for all the love in our marriage. Kissing and hugging, holding hands, touching, complimenting, helping, assisting, ... If she does any of this, well that's a bonus but if she doesn't well it's all on me. Frankly, I was floored, but what can I do? Hard to argue with God.

Every morning at 8:32 when I need to be getting out the door for work, my wife scrambles away to some far off point in the house and involves herself in reading the paper or watching TV or something like that This is seriously annoying. But now that I have my marching orders, I track her down, interrupt whatever she is doing, give her a kiss and tell her I love her.

Amen, my brothers


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes I hate 'putterers' too. There's never a reason for them to take less than 30 minutes to get out the door.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

Absolutely not. It just shows he may be insecure with his manliness and perhaps is even in a crisis over his identity and confidence of who he is as a person - like 4sure commented, maybe there's something from his past that he hasn't dealt with... Or possibly it could be that he's just not that into you. Wow, I just celebrated my 20th anniversary and I can't get through a day without kissing my wife multiple times, hugging, flirting and just doing the "stuff" us men do with the wives we love! I think you deserve better... but would also advise you to try and find out if something deeper is going on. Best of luck...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I agree that he could just be a hard-ass who lived through a difficult past and has issues with expressing emo lovey doveys because he believes it is weak (and it is really! At least until the later stages of love when the strength is there)

Was happy living my life before:
YouTube - ‪GEORGE THOROGOOD "Bad To The Bone"‬‏
Then doomsday happened:
YouTube - ‪Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You‬‏

Now... "Oh wtf? I'm married? How the hell did this happen?!"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What would Clint Eastwood do? Being a manly man who avoids ambiguity, he'd make sure his woman knew she was loved and desirable but he wouldn't make a career out of it. He wouldn't be caught dead wearing matching T shirts or getting a couple's massage. Hard to imagine him painting his woman's toenails but if he wanted to he would and he'd manage to look tough doing it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Not a big fan of St Augustine, are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think he had some of it right.


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