# is he just jealous?



## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and it has been serious from the start. We instantly had a strong connection and had a fantastic relationship in all ways up until about a month ago. At this time, I told him that prior to meeting him, I had been mildly involved with a few of people who happen to be around occasionally. My boyfriend flipped out. He is the jealous type. He immediately threatened a break up, asking why I hid the information from him for so long, and demanding that I never see these people again. 

I kept the information from him because I knew he would not want to know, that it would upset him. To me, they were insignificant relationships. One of them being a guy I went in a few dates with and kissed, another wanted to "hook up" but I immediately turned down, and the last someone I was involved with on one occasion and made it clear it would never happen again. Again, this was all before I met my boyfriend. I have no interest in these three men and never communicate with them by phone, online, or in anyway except when they happen to be at the same place I am.

I would be willing to never see them again. However, one of them is the brother of my long time best friend's boyfriend, and the rest are her boyfriend's friends. My friend and her boyfriend are very close and do everything together. Her boyfriend is close to his brother, so he is around often. If I want to hang out with my friend, chances are I will run into one of the forbidden people.

Over the last month, I have made every effort to stay away from these forbidden men. I am willing to stay away from them to the best of my ability. However, I am now being told I cannot stand up in my friend's wedding because my boyfriend can't bare to see me in pictures with any of these men. He has given me the ultimatum of committing to never seeing these guys under any circumstance or breaking up. 

I love my boyfriend, and outside of this issue, our relationship is fantastic. Am I crazy to think that his issues are based on insecurity and jealousy? Should I risk my 24 year friendship over this relationship? Or I being disrespectful by choosing my friendship over him?

I could use some advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your boyfriend?


One of them being a guy I went in a few dates with and kissed
another wanted to "hook up" but I immediately turned down
the last someone I was involved with on one occasion and made it clear it would never happen again.

So which of those 3 is the BFF’s boyfriend’s brother?

You have been honest with your boyfriend, right?

He’s jealous in a very bad way. This kind of jealousy is controlling. You are right that his issues are based on insecurity and jealousy.

I would pick my friend over a man who flips out because of the kinds of dating situations you described.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How often are you around these men without your guy present?

Interaction with former lovers is taboo in my relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> How often are you around these men without your guy present?
> 
> Interaction with former lovers is taboo in my relationship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep in mind that at two of them are not former lovers. One was a date. One was a guy who wanted to hook up but she turned him down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shellh,

Another question for you. What is the story of his former girl friends, dates and lovers. Has he divulged all of them to you? Are any of them still in his circle of friends or people you and he run into?


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your boyfriend?
> 
> 
> One of them being a guy I went in a few dates with and kissed
> ...


We are both 26. The one whom I was involved with is the brother.

I have been honest. He always knows where I am and who I am with. He Is always invited.

I am leaning towards just walking away, but having a difficult time because of how great everything else is.

Thanks for your response!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that at two of them are not former lovers. One was a date. One was a guy who wanted to hook up but she turned him down.


I am hardly ever around them at all. And I never initiate these encounters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Shellh said:


> However, I am now being told I cannot stand up in my friend's wedding because my boyfriend can't bare to see me in pictures with any of these men. He has given me the ultimatum of committing to never seeing these guys under any circumstance or breaking up.
> 
> I love my boyfriend, and outside of this issue, our relationship is fantastic. Am I crazy to think that his issues are based on insecurity and jealousy? Should I risk my 24 year friendship over this relationship? Or I being disrespectful by choosing my friendship over him?
> 
> ...


Your boyfriend is acting like a jealous lunatic. Was he invited to the wedding? Does he think you are going to cheat while the photo is being taken?

Anyway, if you give in to his demands, what you would tell your friend? "I can't stand up in your wedding because my boyfriend can't stand me to be in the same photo as so-and-so"? Then you would sound like a lunatic. 

Until he chills out, I STRONGLY recommend not marrying this guy. It's only going to get worse as you get older, and eventually he will isolate you from ALL your friends, male and female!

If he's a great boyfriend in every other way, then he's worth waiting for. Go to couples counseling and find a compromise that you both can live with and hopefully someone can explain to him the more realistic expectations of marriage.


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Shellh,
> 
> Another question for you. What is the story of his former girl friends, dates and lovers. Has he divulged all of them to you? Are any of them still in his circle of friends or people you and he run into?


He has told me about his former relationships. None of them are around. However, he has been hurt in the past, and I believe his insecurities stem from that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shellh said:


> He has told me about his former relationships. None of them are around. However, he has been hurt in the past, and I believe his insecurities stem from that.


If his insecurities stem from previous hurts, he has not healed enough to be in a relationship. He is punishing/controlling you to quell his own problems.


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Your boyfriend is acting like a jealous lunatic. Was he invited to the wedding? Does he think you are going to cheat while the photo is being taken?
> 
> Anyway, if you give in to his demands, what you would tell your friend? "I can't stand up in your wedding because my boyfriend can't stand me to be in the same photo as so-and-so"? Then you would sound like a lunatic.
> 
> ...



Yes he was invited.

I tried explaining to him how crazy he sounds, but he just doesn't see it.

I have asked him to see a counselor with me, and he has agreed to go. However, it seems as if he wouldn't take it seriously. 
Thank you for your response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

There's a funny little saying going around on Facebook, "your girlfriends will probably outlive your husband, so find good ones". 

I've been married 15 years and even now there's no way I would toss my 26 year friendship with my BFF for my husband. You will regret it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> The one whom I was involved with is the brother.


 This is the one I think that many would have issues with. Being in a wedding party means that you will spend lots of time with this guy without your boyfriend. The truth is, the wedding party group is more loyal to this other guy than to your boyfriend, and your boyfriend probably feels that they are not friends of the relationship. This is not as clear cut as many on here are stating.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Shellh said:


> We are both 26. The one whom I was involved with is the brother.


Why do you insist on calling it being 'involved'. It's a minimizing word. What happened exactly? 

All three were brother or friend of your best friends boyfriend? That doesn't come across as good.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TRy said:


> This is the one I think that many would have issues with. Being in a wedding party means that you will spend lots of time with this guy without your boyfriend. The truth is, the wedding party group is more loyal to this other guy than to your boyfriend, and your boyfriend probably feels that they are not friends of the relationship. This is not as clear cut as many on here are stating.





azteca1986 said:


> Why do you insist on calling it being 'involved'. It's a minimizing word. What happened exactly?


I think some of you are missing the point. It doesn't matter even if she had sex with him a million times and had his baby. She's not seeing him anymore at all, and the only interaction she's going to have here is a wedding ceremony, and maybe a rehearsal. The boyfriend objects to her being in photos with this guy. *Photos.* Who cares if they are "friends of the relationship" or not? 

I've been to plenty of weddings and other functions where lots of people are not "friends of my relationship" with my wife. But why would I care? I married her, not them. They have their lives and I have mine.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
Intimate relationships can only be successful if both partners understands and use the art of compromise.
How much does your relationship mean to you and why?
Are you willing to end this relationship over this?
Do you personally think your boyfriend is controlling?
Has he exhibited that type of behavior before?
Do you think that he really loves you?
Do you really love him?

If the roles were switched , and you were feeling a bit jealous over him attending that wedding with a former lover , which you had no prior knowledge of,would you be upset and make the same demand?
Or would you prefer him to take your feelings into consideration ,try to make a suitable compromise with his best friend ,so that everyone is happy?
I'm sure he's a reasonable guy.
If I was your best friend who's getting married , I would respect the fact that you and your boyfriend are involved in a serious relationship , and that both of you are an " item."

If you were getting married to your boyfriend, and invited your best friend under the same conditions , I'm sure you'd respect the fact that she and her boyfriend were together too.

It all comes down to compromise.
If your boyfriend and you can't work out this simple problem,
Then your relationship has greater problems and is doomed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> I think some of you are missing the point. It doesn't matter even if she had sex with him a million times and had his baby. She's not seeing him anymore at all, and the only interaction she's going to have here is a wedding ceremony, and maybe a rehearsal. The boyfriend objects to her being in photos with this guy. *Photos.* Who cares if they are "friends of the relationship" or not?
> 
> I've been to plenty of weddings and other functions where lots of people are not "friends of my relationship" with my wife. But why would I care? I married her, not them. They have their lives and I have mine.


This is the way I see it as well. Two of the guys were not relationships at all. The brother was a one time thing. 

The thing about him not wanting her to be in any photos with these guys is what stands out as his demands being over the top.

The bf is going to be there. She's not going to be doing anything with these guys.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

This reminds me of my bff's wedding. Her H had his brother as best man.
The poor guy couldn't even pose for some pics with me because his wife would be upset. It was ridiculous. I met the guy maybe 3 times before and there was no attraction or flirting..

IRRATIONAL behavior will lead to MORE irrational behavior.. and next thing you know you have spent 5 years of your life giving in to make him happy.

We ALL been hurt in the past.. he should not be projecting this on you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and it has been serious from the start. We instantly had a strong connection and had a fantastic relationship in all ways up until about a month ago. At this time, I told him that prior to meeting him, I had been mildly involved with a few of people who happen to be around occasionally.


 You were hanging around with at least one guy that you had slept with and one guy that you had dated but did not sleep with, for almost a year without telling your boyfriend, and you wonder why he has trust issues with you?



Shellh said:


> I kept the information from him because I knew he would not want to know, that it would upset him.


 Since you knowingly withheld this information from him, you should not be surprised if he thinks that these relationships may have been more serious than you are telling him (or us) now.



Shellh said:


> To me, they were insignificant relationships.


 To him, this is an issue of you not being open and trustworthy. You are spinning the story to make him look bad while minimizing your deception. Having been cheated on before, he has heard this all before, including the they are just friends, and the I did not tell you because you are jealous and controlling. You are in trouble here not because he is jealous and controlling, but because you deceived him, and his reaction is in response to that deception.

Did you know that studies show that those that have been cheated on get over the sex part of the affair far faster than they get over the deception associated with the affair?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I think some of you are missing the point.


Far from it. 



Shellh said:


> My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and it has been serious from the start.
> <snip>
> I kept the information from him because I knew he would not want to know, that it would upset him.


This is the point. Not the wedding.



> *It doesn't matter even if she had sex with him a million times* and had his baby.


I can't believe you've written that. Of course it matters. Her Bf has been treated like a chump whilst kept in the dark about the reality of her relationship(s) with their circle of friends.


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Why do you insist on calling it being 'involved'. It's a minimizing word. What happened exactly?
> 
> All three were brother or friend of your best friends boyfriend? That doesn't come across as good.


I gave him oral sex.

I understand that it doesn't look good. Before I met my boyfriend, I spent a lot of time with my friend and her boyfriend. So the brother and friends were a part of the picture. After I met my boyfriend, I have not spent as much time with that group of people, only seeing the brother and friends occasionally throughout the past year. I do not have any feelings for these men and only ever marginally had feelings for the one I went on a few dates with. 

I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him. However, in my eyes, they were never significant parts of my life so the information was irrelevant. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I would say that he is controlling but if you kept the real nature of your relationship with the other guy secret for a year then that would make anyone suspicious, especially if they were cheated on.

It's fascinating that the boyfriend is "insecure" because he has been hurt in the past and makes decisions based on what happened to him in the past in his current relationship. There was a recent thread where a woman was making decisions based on her past and basically no woman saw a problem with it..............................


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shellh said:


> I gave him oral sex.
> 
> I understand that it doesn't look good. Before I met my boyfriend, I spent a lot of time with my friend and her boyfriend. So the brother and friends were a part of the picture. After I met my boyfriend, I have not spent as much time with that group of people, only seeing the brother and friends occasionally throughout the past year. I do not have any feelings for these men and only ever marginally had feelings for the one I went on a few dates with.
> 
> I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him.* However, in my eyes, they were never significant parts of my life so the information was irrelevant. *


Right there^^^lies the problem.
You are only seeing this through your eyes.
That's why in my initial post I asked you to put yourself in his position, given the exact scenario.
How would you feel?
See?
In a relationship many vantage points exists on any given situation. Best practise dictates that partners should examine all, before arriving at any conclusion to a situation or conundrum.
And that's why I said the only way out of this situation is compromise.

Your boyfriend is not controlling , despite what others are saying and YOU of all persons know this.
If he was , you would _not_ have described the relationship as a great one, and it wouldn't have lasted _that_ long.
He is panicking because he feels vulnerable and insecure at this point . His insecurity stems from way things unfolded.

Think of this for one moment.
If you didn't tell him anything , would he have reacted the same way?
Critical ^^^thinking 101.

But you told him because you wanted to be open and honest with him, after withholding the truth for so long, and it is good that you sought to fix that.
But you must understand that he has been cheated on in the past.
You should also understand that showing empathy and understanding his point of view based on the circumstances can only help to build the trust in the relationship, and make it stronger.

If your boyfriend was really controlling and jealous , your relationship would not have been a " _great one_" up to this point.
Critical ^^^thinking 101.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Shellh said:


> I gave him oral sex.
> 
> I understand that it doesn't look good. Before I met my boyfriend, I spent a lot of time with my friend and her boyfriend. So the brother and friends were a part of the picture. After I met my boyfriend, I have not spent as much time with that group of people, only seeing the brother and friends occasionally throughout the past year. I do not have any feelings for these men and only ever marginally had feelings for the one I went on a few dates with.
> 
> ...


There are two issues going on here Shellh.

On one side, you have people talking about how your BF is being irrational and his level of jealousy is bad etc. Which is correct. In a NORMAL situation, your BF's behavior is inappropriate, insecure and controlling. It's not like you're trying to continue to have a friendship with these guys, it's just that you may see them at group functions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of ex's being in the past and not part of the current, unless kids are involved, then there's no choice, but the relationship should ONLY be about the kids.

The problem though is you have made this an ABNORMAL situation. You didn't give your BF a chance to handle this properly. You lied, through omission, played spin doctor and minimized. This makes you appear guilty. 1. How does he know you weren't physical with all 3 guys...because you said so? You've shown your word isn't 100% beyond reproach. 2. You've made this into an issue because he's been around a guy for a year that he didn't know you polished his knob. Sorry but that's an issue for a lot of guys. It's not that we can't handle it at all, we just need to know. It's an innate territorial thing. It's not turning our women into objects, but it is about knowing boundaries.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And that brings up the catch 22 with the past. By minimizing the importance of, and saying that blowing this other guy meant and means nothing, you are now in the postion to have to convince your current boyfriend that doing the same with him actually means something.

Either it meant something when you did it with the other guy, and you have been around him over the past year, him knowing what you did and your boyfriend being blissfully unaware, or it means nothing when you do it with your boyfriend...


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> There are two issues going on here Shellh.
> 
> On one side, you have people talking about how your BF is being irrational and his level of jealousy is bad etc. Which is correct. In a NORMAL situation, your BF's behavior is inappropriate, insecure and controlling. It's not like you're trying to continue to have a friendship with these guys, it's just that you may see them at group functions.
> 
> ...


He has always been jealous. From the day we met he has made comments and become upset over things such as me wearing anything that shows any sort of clevage, from any guy that even looks my way, any guy who tells me I look nice, etc. He even has said that if any man were to make an advance he'd leave me immediately regardless of my response to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shellh said:


> He has always been jealous. From the day we met he has made comments and become upset over things such as me wearing anything that shows any sort of clevage, from any guy that even looks my way, any guy who tells me I look nice, etc. He even has said that if any man were to make an advance he'd leave me immediately regardless of my response to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So then, why are you still with him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> He even has said that if any man were to make an advance he'd leave me immediately regardless of my response to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, let's examine this further.
You are married, have children and the whole nine yards.
A man then makes an unsolicited advance on you. Your then husband leaves you.

How can you be in a relationship that you have no security in?
His comment is like saying if at any point in life if you get bit by a dog I will leave you. You will always have this hanging over your head.

Jealous men are insecure and will look weak and unattractive to you as time goes on. 

My vote is move on.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> We instantly had a strong connection and had a fantastic relationship in all ways up until about a month ago..





Shellh said:


> I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him.


 The above two quotes by you do not match up with the quote below. I rarely think that it is a good idea to introduce a partner to this forum to review their partner’s thread, but in this case I think that you should bring him to this thread to present his point of view, as it looks like you have a difficult time objectively seeing and presenting his point of view. Truthfully, it sounds like you may be spinning us.


Shellh said:


> He even has said that if any man were to make an advance he'd leave me immediately regardless of my response to it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

A couple of things are not adding up here...


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Shellh said:


> I gave him oral sex.
> 
> I understand that it doesn't look good. Before I met my boyfriend, I spent a lot of time with my friend and her boyfriend. So the brother and friends were a part of the picture. After I met my boyfriend, I have not spent as much time with that group of people, only seeing the brother and friends occasionally throughout the past year. I do not have any feelings for these men and only ever marginally had feelings for the one I went on a few dates with.
> 
> I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him. However, in my eyes, they were never significant parts of my life so the information was irrelevant.


Everybody has a past. That's not a problem at all, in my eyes.

But, unless I've read you wrong you gave oral to a guy you had no feelings for. Which kinda makes the situation sound worse the more you tell us.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Far from it.
> 
> This is the point. Not the wedding.
> 
> I can't believe you've written that. Of course it matters. Her Bf has been treated like a chump whilst kept in the dark about the reality of her relationship(s) with their circle of friends.



And I can't believe you are still missing the point. The point isn't whether she misled him about these other guys. Her bf can criticize her about that if he wants to (although saying she treated him like a "chump" is a gross exaggeration). That's a separate issue. 

The point is whether she's allowed to appear in a wedding photo with one of them. No matter how she treated her bf, he doesn't have the right to "punish" her for it by keeping her out of her best friend's wedding ceremony. That is being controlling and paranoid to a very unhealthy level.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

First I will say, go to the wedding. He is invited to go along as your +1.

Be honest with him, if you don't act trustworthy you can not expect someone to trust you. Regardless of their past and insecurities.

You lied to him about the 3 men because you didn't want to deal with the issues that may arise from it. Now he knows, it has come out now.....he already knows you lied to him about it and then you're reacting with a what's the big deal....you're being insecure about.

How do you think that kind of reaction looks in his shoes?

You see, there is 2 separate issues here.

1 - you lied to him about your past, which is not acting trustworthy.

2 - he has insecurities that he needs to address and deal with.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> And I can't believe you are still missing the point. The point isn't whether she misled him about these other guys. Her bf can criticize her about that if he wants to (although saying she treated him like a "chump" is a gross exaggeration). That's a separate issue.


 She did treat him like a chump. The only way that this was kept a secret was if everyone of them were in on the fact that it was suppose to be a secret from him as her boyfriend. He was on the outside of this group secret, and everyone in the wedding party, including the guy that she has sex with, was on the inside. When everyone else is in on keeping a secret from just the boyfriend, then the boyfriend was in fact played the fool (chump). I can't beleive that you are still missing this point. This is not a separate issue, this is the main issue.



Theseus said:


> The point is whether she's allowed to appear in a wedding photo with one of them. No matter how she treated her bf, he doesn't have the right to "punish" her for it by keeping her out of her best friend's wedding ceremony.


 I smell trickle truth all over her story and so does the boyfriend. The boyfriend may now suspect that these relationships did not end when she and her boyfriend became a committed couple, which is the real reason that she kept this a secret. Have you ever noticed that when cheaters tell everyone else what happened, that the person being cheated on is always made to look jealous and controlling and is made out to be the bad guy? I am not saying that she cheated, but now that the trust is lost based on her deception, he cannot rule this out. If he suspects that she may have continued to have relations with any of these other men once they became exclusive, with everyone in this group being in on the secret, he would have every right to think that they may be toxic friends and treat them accordingly.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Shellh said:


> .... However, in my eyes, they were never significant parts of my life so the information was irrelevant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If so why then you are ready to drop your BF for them?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> I smell trickle truth all over her story and so does the boyfriend.


We've been trickle truthed in this very thread. 

Involved = Oral

Who would've known? I feel _managed_; no doubt the boyfriend does too. And it took her nearly a year to be honest.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TRy said:


> I smell trickle truth all over her story and so does the boyfriend.


Even the story presented here seems as if it's shifting from one pole to another.
In her first post she says the relationship is fantastic.
She then describes the other relationships as if they were just platonic except for one.
Then she later admits that she gave another " friend " oral , but it was " no big thing."
At the very end, she implies that the relationship was not good at all, even from the beginning.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TRy said:


> She did treat him like a chump. The only way that this was kept a secret was if everyone of them were in on the fact that it was suppose to be a secret from him as her boyfriend. He was on the outside of this group secret, and everyone in the wedding party, including the guy that she has sex with, was on the inside.


You're twisting this by adding facts that aren't in the OP's statements. She has NO direct contact with these guys. They aren't in the same group. They are essentially friends of friends. Claiming there's an "inside" group conspiracy to keep things from her boyfriend is one hell of a stretch. 




> I smell trickle truth all over her story and so does the boyfriend. The boyfriend may now suspect that these relationships did not end when she and her boyfriend became a committed couple, which is the real reason that she kept this a secret. Have you ever noticed that when cheaters tell everyone else what happened, that the person being cheated on is always made to look jealous and controlling and is made out to be the bad guy? I am not saying that she cheated, but now that the trust is lost based on her deception, he cannot rule this out.


As you yourself pointed out, *she didn't cheat on anyone here, so using the "trickle truth" model and treating her like a cheater doesn't apply*. There is nothing for her to admit, because she didn't do anything wrong. If she was involved with a guy that she has to see on a regular basis (like her boss), that would be a little different, but not much. Women (and men) are not required to confess over every partner they've ever had. She hasn't lied or deceived her bf about anything, unless she told him she was a virgin when they met.




> If he suspects that she may have continued to have relations with any of these other men once they became exclusive, with everyone in this group being in on the secret, he would have every right to think that they may be toxic friends and treat them accordingly.



She hasn't given him reason to suspect that she is still seeing any of them. 

Sure, he can label them toxic friends and insist that she never sees them. Oh wait ... that's already happening! The problem on the table is that he's trying to take a ludicrous extra step and insist that she can't even appear in the same wedding photo as the other guy. That's the indication of being jealous and controlling.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> There is nothing for her to admit, because *she didn't do anything wrong.*
> 
> <snip>
> 
> *She hasn't lied or deceived her bf about anything*, unless she told him she was a virgin when they met.





Shellh said:


> I get that he has the right to be hurt because *I hid the information from him.*


The OP doesn't agree with you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> The OP doesn't agree with you.


Let's stick to only what we know. "Hiding" does not necessarily equal "lying" or "deceiving". These words have significantly different definitions.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Let's stick to only what we know. "Hiding" does not necessarily equal "lying" or "deceiving". These words have significantly different definitions.


Hiding information=deceiving or lying by omission.

Is English a second language for you?


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> The OP doesn't agree with you.


Wow.

I did not have any kind of word with any of the men or my friend about keeping the information secret. I most definitely did not have any sort of relations with any of them outside of what I described. 

I did not post this to be attacked.

I know that it sounds like its been bad from the start because of the jealousy, but I thought we could get past the jealousy and everything else was perfect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

The topic never came up. When it did, I told him the truth and every detail about everyone I have ever had any relations with
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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> You're twisting this by adding facts that aren't in the OP's statements. She has NO direct contact with these guys. They aren't in the same group. They are essentially friends of friends.


 I am stating facts that are know, and it seems that you missed the part in the OP’s first post to this thread where she stated “one of them is the brother of my long time best friend's boyfriend, and the rest are her boyfriend's friends. My friend and her boyfriend are very close and do everything together. Her boyfriend is close to his brother, so he is around often. If I want to hang out with my friend, chances are I will run into one of the forbidden people.” This means that for almost a year, chance were when she went to her friend’s house, she was also hanging with one of these guys. By her own admission she was regularly in direct contact with these other men because they are in the same group.



Theseus said:


> As you yourself pointed out, *she didn't cheat on anyone here, so using the "trickle truth" model and treating her like a cheater doesn't apply*. There is nothing for her to admit, because she didn't do anything wrong. If she was involved with a guy that she has to see on a regular basis (like her boss), that would be a little different, but not much. Women (and men) are not required to confess over every partner they've ever had. She hasn't lied or deceived her bf about anything, unless she told him she was a virgin when they met.


 Although trickle truth is often used by cheaters, you do not have to be a cheater to use trickle truth. Trickle truth is a common tool used by people that are trying to be deceptive, both in business and personal relationships.

As for her not doing anything wrong, the OP stated that “I kept the information from him because I knew he would not want to know, that it would upset him”, and “I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him.” You can try to spin this all that you want, but at the end of the day this was a lie by omission on a matter that she knew was important to him. She did not forget to tell him this information, she deliberately did not tell him. She knew that if she told him that she would not be able to hang out as often with this group because as she stated “chances are” she would run into one of these guys.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> The topic never came up. When it did, I told him the truth and every detail about everyone I have ever had any relations with


 You stated that “I kept the information from him because I knew he would not want to know, that it would upset him”, and “I get that he has the right to be hurt because I hid the information from him.” You can try to spin this all that you want, but at the end of the day this was a lie by omission on a matter that you knew was important to him. You did not forget to tell him this information, you deliberately did not tell him. You did this knowing that if you told him that you would not be able to hang out as often with this group because as you stated “chances are” you would run into one of these guys.

You are not sounding very remorseful about your deception. This could be one your boyfriends issues. Without remorse, it will be difficult for him to move on and trust you. Please understand that acting trustworthy allows your significant other to trust you. When you are deliberately deceptive by withholding information that you knew would be relevant to him, you should not be surprised that he is now second guessing things with you. You are not wrong in thinking that hanging with these guys was not a big deal, but he is also not wrong in thinking that it was. When you date, everyone has a right to set their own boundaries and to live by their own values. As a couple you are suppose to openly discuss these issues and establish if you can agree on shared boundaries and values. You were deceptive in this process when you "kept the information" from him because you knew "that it would upset him".


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## Shellh (Sep 22, 2013)

Yes. I was deceptive. I deliberately held the information from him. I could have told him and should have told him because I knew it was important to him. If he would have asked sooner, I would have told him. I do feel bad about not saying anything sooner. This is just the first relationship I have been in for which this type of jealousy was an issue.

Maybe I don't sound remorseful because maybe I am sick of putting up with this level of jealousy; I have been reminded daily for the last month of how terrible I am for seeing people who I had relations with in the past. 

I have not seen these forbidden people in the past month and actually longer than then. Prior to that, I have only seen them a handful of Times during my current relationship, and even at that, never because I had intentions of seeing them.
The friendship I am trying to preserve is not theirs but one which I have had with my female best friend for 24 years who again is in contact with the forbidden people often because of her boyfriend.
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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You're not wrong in feeling this way, but neither is he. This is simply a case of where past decisions have present consequences. If the two of you can't work through them, then the relationship will not work.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shellh said:


> This is just the first relationship I have been in for which this type of jealousy was an issue.
> 
> Maybe I don't sound remorseful because maybe I am sick of putting up with this level of jealousy; I have been reminded daily for the last month of how terrible I am for seeing people who I had relations with in the past.


Well then Shellh,
Maybe you should just end this relationship and look for a man who is not the jealous type.

But let this relationship be a lesson to you. Honesty is the foundation of any successful relationship.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> Maybe I don't sound remorseful because maybe I am sick of putting up with this level of jealousy; I have been reminded daily for the last month of how terrible I am for seeing people who I had relations with in the past.


 Many people have boundaries against their significant other hanging around anyone that they has sex with in the past. That boundary almost always includes volunteering when you have contact with one of them. He is not strange for feeling this way. If you do not see it that way, and are already sick of putting up with this level of jealousy, then you do not share common boundaries and values.



Shellh said:


> I have only seen them a handful of Times during my current relationship


 This is in direct contradiction to what you said in your first post when you said “one of them is the brother of my long time best friend's boyfriend, and the rest are her boyfriend's friends. My friend and her boyfriend are very close and do everything together. Her boyfriend is close to his brother, so he is around often. If I want to hang out with my friend, chances are I will run into one of the forbidden people.” Excuse me of I call SPIN. Spin resets the healing process in a never ending process. Tell your boyfriend that you understand that you messed up and that you should have been truthful. Going forward, stop diluting this apology and resting the process with spin, and he will stop bringing it up so often, until he eventually almost never does.



Shellh said:


> The friendship I am trying to preserve is not theirs but one which I have had with my female best friend for 24 years who again is in contact with the forbidden people often because of her boyfriend.


 Again, tell him without spin that you messed up, but would like his help and understanding in trying to work this wedding thing out. Ask him as a favor to you to think about how to make this work in a way that would make him more comfortable. Tell him that you now know what you did wrong, and that you will be fully honest and transparent going forward. Give peace a chance.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Shellh said:


> I did not post this to be attacked.


Welcome to TAM! Often people give very good advice here, but I am rather disappointed in this particular thread. 

Ever heard the expression "if the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem looks like a nail"?

Many people here are fixated on how to deal with lying and cheating spouses (because they've been cheated on themselves) and are treating you the same way, because that's all they know.

I could certainly understand your boyfriend not wanting you to hang out with these guys. But keeping you out of a wedding photo is not reasonable by any stretch of the imagination, especially since your boyfriend would be there. I'm glad he agreed to go to counseling with you, and I really wish you luck.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

OP,

I say just let this relationship go. I am an unashamed jealous man, and I don't plan to change. I can tell you that your guy probably doesn't either. Although if I read right, and he is gonna break up with you if other men hit on you, that takes it to a level I don't approach.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Shellh said:


> Yes. I was deceptive. I deliberately held the information from him. I could have told him and should have told him because I knew it was important to him.
> 
> The friendship I am trying to preserve is not theirs but one which I have had with my female best friend for 24 years who again is in contact with the forbidden people often because of her boyfriend.


Your first paragraph is good stuff. I think you realise had you handled things a little differently you would be able to preserve your relationship with your best friend AND your boyfriend.

No one is attacking you. We want you to have healthy relationships. Be it with this boyfriend or the next.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shellh said:


> I did not post this to be attacked.


 You posted this to see if we would agree with you in attacking your boyfriend's point of view, and you attacked your boyfriend by calling him jealous and controlling, knowing that he would not be able to present his side to us. You seem pleased when some people agreed with you and attacked your boyfriend, but somehow think that it is unfair not to agree with you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Latigo said:


> Although if I read right, and he is gonna break up with you if other men hit on you, that takes it to a level I don't approach.


 The boyfriend has been with the OP for an entire year and has not broken up with her. Do you really beleive that no man has hit on her in that year? When read only one side of things, I try to apply logic to see if it rings true.


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