# I'm certain I think my wife is cheating or thinking of cheating



## heartbroken424

I'm in a complicated situation right now and I honestly don't know to bring it to light.

I don't use facebook but my wife does. A friend of mine and her's on there sent me a screen shot of her facebook page earlier. 

The problem comes in I don't know to bring this up to her. My friend asked me not to get him anymore involved so it rules out showing her the screen shot he took and this was what was one there

*My wife*
i keep hoping a specific person will text me, but it doesn't look like thats gonna happen. (hint: the number is on my profile)

*My wife *
maybe people do pay attention

*co worker *the person doesn't know what he is missing

*another co worker* Thats right!! does that comment mean that he did??!! Let me know in the morning!! =)



I tried to make a profile myself on there but her profile is on private so I can't see it at all. If I added her as a friend she could delete the comments before I seen them.

I thought about making a fake profile however my wife has said before that she doesn't add random people. 

We had actually talked earlier today because I had suspicions things weren't good between us and she said that I'm "stuck with her" however the post she made today on facebook seems to hint at otherwise.

basically my question is how can I bring this up to her? If there's nothing to worry about I don't want to cause a huge fight but at the same time if this is real I don't want to put anymore time into this marriage than I already have. get out before I get hurt more.

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I thought about doing something like this and saying facebook must have messed up when I try to go back and show it to her and it's on private. Combining the screen shot with what I got when I looked for her page. Of course some of it is blacked out by me for the purpose of posting this. I dunno might be a stupid idea.

facebook


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## mikey11

hhhhmmmm.....

maybe your friend could give you his password so you can go on and look at her profile?

or make a fake facebook account and tell her you knew her in high school and she might add you....but that is getting very sneaky and naughty....lol

sounds like she is taking you for granite....she wants you there to fall back on incase she cant find anything else....sounds like shes out fishing though....


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## Rob774

Perhaps i'm just old school, but to me, it doesn't matter how i got the proof, the point is i have it, so she has to explain herself.

Or you could install a keylogger on your pc, if she uses your home pc as her FB tool when she is on. That's pretty damn bold to be doing this right out in the open, and for her friends to give it their "rubber stamp" of approval. Connect the dots man, who ever it is, has her phone number as well. Get her phone, and match guy contacts names vs FB friends guys contacts. And that should give you your answer - assuming she erases texts from this guy.


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## Sanity

Sit down with her and show her this information. It does not matter how you got it but you got it. 

Ask her to be honest and give her two options, either MC AND the EA and/or the PA stop or divorce. 

She might deny it out of shame or just because she is pathological liar. Either way it needs to be exposed not so much for her, but so your marriage can either heal or dissolve. 

Good luck my friend.


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## mikey11

i would not show her your cards yet....wait till you can get more concrete/better evidence....


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## 2xloser

I would text her the following message when I was in the same room as her:

"Apparently *I* am not the person you were openly on Facebook hoping would text you.
I sure know what I am missing - your loyalty.
Let's talk, immediately."

And when she challenges, lies, denies, or minimizes it, I would DEMAND she go right to her Facebook page, log in, and show you her account, her private messages, all of it. And her email. And her cellphone, openly, her sent and received text messages. Get a record from the phone company of her texting history. 

If she won't show you ALL of the above, you have your answer.

It doesn't matter how you have what you have. You have it. YOU are not causing problems here -- she has. There IS something to worry about. She can put those fears to rest only by showing you there's nothing to hide.


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## heartbroken424

I talked to my friend again a little while ago to see if she said anything else. Apparently she deleted the posts at some point this morning. Fortunately I still have the screen shot.

I'm not a confrontational person so I really want a way that's not going to cause a big argument and get this solved one way or another. I have a bad temper and aware of it so whenever a situation comes up I always have to sit back for a little bit and try to figure out a way to discuss it in a calm fashion.

I was talking to her earlier and let her know I don't believe her when she says things are good between us. She actually text me about it this morning first because I was the one who brought up a problem between us yesterday to begin with prior to knowing about the posts.

That's one thing that really makes me mad. These co workers don't know anything about me and for them to be giving her approval of these things they might as well go the extra mile and say "here would you like to use my bed?"


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## 2xloser

Focus solely on HER and on YOU & your marriage, and how communication happens between you. Not her co-workers, it won't help with anything and they're not to blame of something is wrong between the two of you. 

Fix the two of you, and the co-workers will be a non-factor. 

The discussion between you & your wife that NEEDS to happen does not need to be confrontational from the outset, but it does need to happen. The insecurity, the doubt, the fear, and the uncertainty will not go away on its own. And she will not come out and volunteer it for you.


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## heartbroken424

I'm actually planning on one way or another addressing this with her this afternoon because the likelyhood of this just being no one important is slim to none especially with the co workers saying things like that. It's kind of irritating to me that she keeps claiming there is nothing wrong and even in her last text she said

_I've done nothing to make you doubt me and now your agitated at me_


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## mikey11

you are security for her....sounds like she wants to look elsewhere and keep you on the back burner so she can always come back if she wants to....


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## KJ5000

The moral high ground we have always given women is soooo undeserved. It was often thought that ladies had better self control and a better moral compass then us 'only thinking with our privates" neanderthals.

Now that they don't need us financially, women more and more seem to be engaginging the same kind of crappy behavior that men always have. 

No worse than a lot of men with this kind of behavior but no better.
Ok, I'm climbing off of the soap box now.

Confront her with the info and don't let her pull the old "you've invaded my privacy!"  BS!
If nothing else has happened there is still a big possibility of working things out. 
If she stonewalls or gets defensive....
You'll have you answer.


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## heartbroken424

What I think I'm going to do is since she uses a laptop sitting on the couch and I'm usually nearby with her is just say I seen the comments on there yesterday and have been thinking about what I want to say rather than dragging my friend into it when he was just trying to give me a heads up about it.

I do agree though I read an article some time ago that more and more women are cheating on their spouses. It went on to say that while men are thought to be the dogs women are getting worse about it than men. Not saying it's all true but I do agree with some of it.


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## heartbroken424

I had the talk with her. I'm not convinced yet but I still have to get more evidence I think. She said she was confused on why her co workers wrote those things. Said the comment was wanting a guy she works with that brings some kind of Italian food down from another state every weekend to pick her up something. She said she was supposed to have talked to him earlier that day but he had left early. I said well when you say a specific person how was this person supposed to know you were referring to him or you couldn't wait till the next day to ask him. She said she didn't know. So yah need more evidence to really prove that she is thinking of cheating and if I'm really lucky nearly getting caught will have brought her back into the fold but I'm going to be looking more closely. I flat out told her either she's in this marriage 100% or she just needs to get out. She never did get defensive or anything really. Most defensive thing she said was it sounds like I don't trust her. Which I stopped her on that right away and told her not to even bother trying to bring trust into this because if she can't tell how those comments sounded then there is a serious problem. She said again that I am stuck with her and that she had been thinking of going and getting my name tattooed on her forearm.


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## 2xloser

Dude I think you're still letting her drive... even though it may all be about just re-defining boundaries appropriately.

Simple fact is, you *don't* trust her. So, make her show you everything. If she's got nothing to hide, you're on your way. This could be much ado about nothing. Terrific, let her show you and prove it, because you need her to. Let her remove your doubts... some guy brings her food? Not appropriate, but maybe innocent. Or maybe not. Have her call the guy in your presence maybe, talk to him yourself, let everyone that needs to know you're on alert. Including her. Have her show you all her texts. Her facebook messages. Emails. She called your bluff; you folded. Talk is good; actions are better. Because everything we see here suggests that when there's something wrong in your gut, you're almost always right. Plenty of us wish we'd paid attention to that gut feeling when we could have. if it's all 'nothing', then that would be good to find out so that you can start sleeping better and working on your relationship.


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## turnera

Get a keylogger on her laptop tomorrow!


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## F-102

Now she'll just go underground and see to it there is no evidence trail.


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## mikey11

F-102 said:


> Now she'll just go underground and see to it there is no evidence trail.


exactly what i was going to say....now she will make sure she covers all her tracks....which is why i said get more concrete evidence first....now you dont have a chance....you had one chance and its gone now....


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## heartbroken424

She showed me her emails. wasn't anything in there though. Doesn't mean she didn't erase them though.

Don't see how I folded though when we had a talk about it and I laid out my position on this and she knows that I am suspicious of her activities now. 

The guy supposedly bringing food isn't just for her he brings it for several people in the business that requests it. Could be innocent like was said but sounds fishy to me. Keep in mind this is just what she says and not saying I believe it.

I actually am looking at a keylogger that I am seriously thinking of installing on her computer just to make sure she's not deleting messages or anything before I see them. I also found something called mobilespy. Haven't ever heard of that before.

I hate to do things like that but have to go drastic sometimes I suppose. Gotta look out for myself here.


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## F-102

Ask if she's willing to take a polygraph. Not saying she MUST, but be willing. If she refuses, there's all the answer you need.


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## turnera

Gotta look out for your MARRIAGE, since SHE isn't.


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## youngmom

My husband has facebook page too, and I know he is talking to other female and so on.... But he tells me it is perfectly fine because they are just" chatting". He said I can't accuse him of cheating just for opening a facebook and chatting with other female.... Is that right?


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## turnera

It depends - does he let you SEE his chats?


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## heartbroken424

after the past few days of keeping watching on her I think I almost got enough evidence to support that my wife is thinking about cheating. An affair hasn't happened yet I am certain of that but it seems like there is one that could be potentially in the making. Going to keep watching her though till I can get undeniable proof that someone else is in our relationship as well. I won't live in a triangle. I've been a good and faithful husband (other than spying) to her and this behavior will not be tolerated. I can't protect her or our marriage if she is doing this kind of stuff. I hate having to watch,analyze and question her but I really don't see what other options I have here really when she just won't voluntarily say what's going on with her. Just got to try to brace myself for the pain when this comes to light. Like was said in an earlier post I gotta trust my gut.


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## Undertheradar

turnera said:


> Get a keylogger on her laptop tomorrow!


:iagree:

up.


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## heartbroken424

Undertheradar said:


> :iagree:
> 
> up.


I got one on her computer now she's written out some suspicious stuff on facebook in the past couple of days but nothing concrete yet. I really need to see her text messages but she uses a phone company that doesn't keep track of them and her phone never leaves her sight.


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## turnera

Even when she showers?


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> Even when she showers?


yah she usually soaks and texts me while she does


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## turnera

So...what are YOU doing to look at and fix your half of the marriage?


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> So...what are YOU doing to look at and fix your half of the marriage?


I've been trying to figure out what i'm doing wrong and it's hard to know when all she says is she's happy or she's content. so it's really hard to know what's wrong. I know in the past complaints have been we don't get out enough. Suggestions on things to do to get out are often times met with _I don't feel like doing anything_. I take her to a movie whenever I can get her to go out. Like this weekend we went and seen a movie and went out to eat that night. I buy her flowers occasionally. My wife is really big on affection so I'll give her a hug or kiss her here and there. She's bi polar also and won't get medication or talk to anyone because she says all that she has taken in the past made her feel worse and she doesn't want a psychiatrist or anything. Not saying I'm a perfect husband or anything sure I make mistakes too but often times without her telling me it's hard to figure out what's wrong


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## turnera

Have you both filled out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from MB? That will give you the clearest path to getting it right.


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> Have you both filled out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from MB? That will give you the clearest path to getting it right.


what's that? the chances of getting her to fill out anything like that is slim to none especially when she claims there is nothing wrong and I know otherwise


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## turnera

She's NOT content, or she wouldn't be looking at other guys.

Having her husband step up and say he's decided to look into making their marriage stronger and better can be a good thing - even if she's already cheating.

These are questionnaires you can download from marriagebuilders.com (avoid their forums - they are toxic!). One for each of you. Can't hurt to ask her. Tell her you ran across these and think it would be good for the marriage. If she refuses, read it anyway and try to fill the LB one out FOR her. Surely you've heard things over the years that bother her. 'Why can't you take out the trash every week?' Stuff like that.

Knowing your LBs allows you to STOP those LBs, which will reduce the tension in your house. Best place to start.


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## heartbroken424

That's my thoughts as well. thanks! looking at the MB website right now and going to get those downloaded and hopefully she will fill one out on her own. I know her brother called me a few minutes asking what's going on because she emailed him on facebook asking what time he gets off because she needs to talk to him about me. I honestly couldn't tell him because I don't really know and I didn't want to tell him my suspicions without any concrete proof to back it up.

The biggest thing she ever complained about that I can think of was we don't go out enough. Which it was at that time I started taking her out a lot more when i could get her to go out. I'm often time met with the challenge of _I don't feel like going anywhere_


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## NoahBody

So frustrating when people don't communicate their authentic feelings and concerns. I suppose if she is contemplating cheating on you that she may not want to let on that she is dissatisfied for fear of being further scrutinized.

I've never been in the cheating situation (plenty of other challenges) however I would think any cheating confrontation would end up with more entrenched behaviors, denials, defensive response, excuses, etc.

I imagine what you really want to do is create a situation that will allow some authentic conversation regarding what is lacking in your relationship so that you both can have a successful marriage. This is of course about you and your wife, however if she denies there are any issues I guess it is tough not to avoid confronting her with the situation to force the issue.

Still, I can't help but wonder if somehow that will polarize her thoughts even further. Sorry you are going through this.


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## turnera

heartbroken424 said:


> That's my thoughts as well. thanks! looking at the MB website right now and going to get those downloaded and hopefully she will fill one out on her own. I know her brother called me a few minutes asking what's going on because she emailed him on facebook asking what time he gets off because she needs to talk to him about me. I honestly couldn't tell him because I don't really know and I didn't want to tell him my suspicions without any concrete proof to back it up.


Call him back now and tell him what you know about her actions. Also tell him what you know about EAs and PAs and the fog of an affair, and rewriting history to justify cheating...everything you know. Most people have no clue how this all works, and will just say 'oh, do what makes you happy. You know best.'

He needs to know the whole truth, and I GUARANTEE she will NOT paint HERSELF in a bad light to him.

What if she says "DH is not treating me well" and you had already told him that she's friending some guy on FB?

If he didn't know that, he'd likely say 'oh, no, that bastard DH of yours.' 

If he DID know it, he may say 'Sis, are you sure you aren't letting your own feelings cloud your logic? If you're getting strokes from some random guy, you'll immediately start thinking your marriage sucks. It's human nature. You owe it to your marriage to cut off contact with ANY other guy before you make any decisions.'

Get him on your side before SHE feeds him full of fog-laden lies. Your marriage depends on this!


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## the guy

Yes I agree, she will be doing her own damage control and with out evidence, you will for sure come out looking like the bad guy. Call him back before its to late.


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## heartbroken424

I tried calling him earlier and again a few minutes ago but as of yet have not been able to get ahold of him. She's on her way over there now to talk to him

We had a long talk. She has been thinking about separating for a little bit. says she's not sure yet but that she needs a little space like a night out with the girls drinking and sleeping over there here and there. I told her I would be more comfortable dropping her off and picking her up when she was ready to come home. Trying to compromise. She said she doesn't know.

She says that there is no one else and right now she's not considering divorce or anything that drastic but that she does need a little space but hasn't decided if she wants to separate or not. 

She said she feels like she needs to get on medication again for her disorder so maybe these thoughts will stop creeping in on her. I told her I believe she does also but the chances of her going to get them are slim to none. I also said maybe we need marriage counseling to help us sort it out. She shot that idea down real quick.

She said she feels like she is getting lost in me like the line that separates her from me is blurry and she is getting confused on who she is (classic line if you ask me). 

She said that she loves me and wants things to work out but she just feels suffocated. I didn't really understand that when we usually talk on her breaks and she's home for roughly 3-4 hours before going to bed and then we have the weekends.

I asked her how she would feel if I went out without her and stayed out all night. She said she had no clue how she would feel although personally I don't think she would like it at all.

I told her things probably wouldn't get to this point if she would talk to me right away instead of bottling it up till she is overwhelmed. I told her that I feel like I'm security for her because she knows that I'm always there for her. 

She said she really doesn't understand why these things creep into her head because she has a great husband and our life isn't bad. her words.

She said she's always expecting me to get tired of her and tell her to get out because that's what she expects of everyone to do.

She also said she feels dependent on me like that if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be able to get anything. 

So yah I dunno what's going on. I'm really hoping that if she does get to talk to him tonight that he will call me when she leaves and fill me in on hopefully some missing pieces.


---

She's back and he hasn't called to fill me in on anything. She might have told him exactly what she told me I dunno. She said he didn't have much to say because he's going through his own stuff with his wife right now


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## turnera

Call him.


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## turnera

Oh, and she already has a guy lined up.


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## turnera

Oh, and she needs personal therapy NOW.


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## turnera

And if she tells you that she is going to spend the night, tell her that you are filing for separation because you KNOW she has plans to meet another guy. Nothing more than that. Don't tell her what you know or how you know it. She'll just KNOW that YOU know. Now is when you have to be Iron Solid Strong on this: cheat on me and you're gone.


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## F-102

She's bipolar, and isn't sure about whether to go back on meds?
That's her free ticket to duplicity and deceit.

Needs space?
We all know that is woman code for "I've met someone."

Wants GNOs and wants to sleep over?
She wants to go fishing for other men and sleep with them.

Doesn't want MC?
She probably has no intention of working on your M-she wants it to die out.

Maybe wants a separation, but doesn't want a divorce?
You're her "plan B" in case Mr. Wonderful doesn't work out.

Feels "suffocated"?
She doesn't want to feel like she's stuck with you when there are other options now open to her.

Get a divorce lawyer-she's got you snowed.


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## bs193

I also want to add that the Facebook screen shot indicates her girl friends at work are not "friends" of your marriage. GNO, even if you think it is just with the girls, is unacceptable. They are just encouraging her behavior. She will need to realize that and distance herself from them if you two are to work this out.


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## heartbroken424

Her brother sleeps late. I think he's off today so I'm going to try to give him a call around noon. which it's 6am here now so I got a little while still. She said she didn't get to talk to him much because his wife was there and he's going through some stuff with her.

I'm certain also that there is another guy lined up just wish I had concrete proof to take to her about it.

I'm insistent that if she wants a girls night out that I drop and pick her up and I am against a sleep over. Also have informed her that I want to meet her friends because I feel that she is talking badly about me and they are just supporting the idea that her behavior is okay and that a husband should know his wives friends. Which I really don't like this girls night out idea to begin with and she is aware of how I feel about it. What can I do though,you know? 

She's insistent there isn't another guy but I really don't believe it.

I also said she needs to get counseling she says no because she says she doesn't need a counselor to tell her she has big issues.

As I said I did tell her I feel like I'm just security for her because I stick around. This is bull crap.

After a very long night I'm just tired of this crap. She needs to own up to what I already know. I've got a mix of feelings right now about this. I'm sad that things are at this point and at the same time just really mad about it. I want to hear it from her and she's insistent not to tell me. For the most part what you guys are saying is what I'm thinking is going on and it's not fair to keep me on a string while she decides.

I found this article and had her read it she says she's in a mix of stage 1 & 3 minus beginning an affair,ending an affair or contemplating divorce. Seemed like a fairly interesting read to me.

Women's Infidelity

edit:
She made a facebook post saying

If you still don't trust me after all these years you never will


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## turnera

She's in the thrill ride part of her affair - where the PEA chemicals are flying, and she's so high on them she can't think of anything else, and she won't DARE admit anything to you because you'll ruin the party and take away her drug. 

Stop asking her. 

Hire a PI to follow her. Install the keylogger. Put the VAR in her car and in the kitchen or wherever she's likely to get privacy to call him. Investigate and THEN confront her. If she won't admit, call her most trusted person and ask them to confront her. If that doesn't work, call ALL her important people and ask them to help you save your marriage and save her from herself and the predator a-hole.

Ignore her FB post. Or, for fun, post back - If you wouldn't friend other men on FB, I'd be glad to trust you.

J/K


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## turnera

Have you gotten the book Surviving An Affair yet? Get it TODAY. You'll find ALL her cute little comments like 'if you don't trust me' in there. It's a script and EVERY wayward says the same things. They are all attempts to get you to back off and just let them 'have fun.'

But YOU are the only person who can save your marriage at this point, and who can save her from herself. Be strong.


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## heartbroken424

I don't think I have heard of that book actually. Is it this?

Surviving the Affair | Simple Guide to a Good Life After the Affair


I thought about hiring a PI actually but I don't really have enough money to pay for one. Don't they cost quite abit? 

I did have a keylogger installed but I got all of her passwords and took it off because I didn't want to get caught and cause more problems. I was thinking of installing a mobilespy on her phone if I can find one that will work with hers anyways. 

What is a VAR?

I don't have a facebook myself. I just get on her account and have a look to see what is being said because she keeps her facebook on private. From doing that I have seen posts from several weeks ago that she made about our marriage.

If she was going to tell anyone it would be her brother which fortunately I think he will be on my side about this. The other guy I'm pretty sure is her friends friend. The one she wants to stay the night with. 

I want to save our marriage I just don't know how to do it when nothing is being admitted and she won't be honest about it. I guess that's where it comes into play that I got to become an a-hole to get this done?


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## turnera

That's the beauty of keyloggers - you can't tell one is installed unless you take it in for service or reload all your operating system. It does NOT show up as a program.

VAR = voice-activated recorder. They're cheap. They will turn on when someone speaks; you can hide it and check it later.

Yes, you may 'appear' to be an a-hole. In fact, she WILL - once you confront her - spew all sorts of bile such as 'why don't you trust me?' or 'I can't stay in a marriage without trust' or 'he's just a friend' or 'you're too needy.' Ignore it all; it's just a drug addict scrambling to protect her drug source.

And, if you have to expose it to her important people, you'll get even worse bile from her. It will look like this:
Now you've really done it - YOU ended this marriage.
I was GOING to choose you, but now you've ruined your chances.
Everyone now thinks you're crazy.
No one wants to have anything to do with you. 
Everyone told me to tell you to leave them alone.
I'll never trust you again. (how idiotic is that?)
You just proved to me that I have to divorce you.
I hate you!

If you can't afford a PI, ask a friend to follow her.


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## heartbroken424

I was just getting ready to order this book. is this the one you are referring to? They don't have in stock around here though so looks like ordering online is what I will have to do

Surviving an Affair - Willard F. Harley Jr. - Hardcover (ISBN 9780800717582) - Buy Books, Music and Movies at Borders

I might look into getting a VAR actually although she's more likely to get texts than anything else because she doesn't like to talk on the phone.

thank you btw you all have been very helpful. This whole thing is very upsetting even as I type this my stomach is doing flip flops.


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## turnera

Yeah, that's the book. He's the creator of marriagebuilders.com, which has a lot of great information about these things (but avoid the forums; they are toxic!).

Flip flops are fear. What are you afraid of? You need to address this.


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## heartbroken424

I've been cheated on before by someone I dated for a few years and it was devastating to me. I worry it's going to be even worse when it comes from the one person who I'm supposed to be able to trust the most. Also I guess it's as the title says "surviving an affair". If our marriage is to end I don't want it to be on those terms because it will make me question if she ever really cared to begin with or if I was just someone who loved her even with all her problems. I just might be a little crazy myself I dunno.


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## turnera

Well, the first thing to realize is that cheating is the CHEATER's problem, not yours. HER lack of character. IMO, betrayed spouses should get mad and STAY mad.


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## heartbroken424

I do agree with that and while I do have a temper I just haven't ever been able to get mad and stay mad at her really. One thing about it that I do find comfort in is knowing that if this affair takes place that either she or the other person will end up hurt in the end. That part of it makes me happy.

Whole thing would be more understandable if we had been fighting or anything but everyday she acts like nothing is wrong and even just a couple of days ago was saying I was stuck with her. Which obviously I didn't buy it.


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## F-102

You're "stuck with her".

Hmmm... she's free to have her own life, but if you step out of line:WWIII.


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## heartbroken424

F-102 said:


> You're "stuck with her".
> 
> Hmmm... she's free to have her own life, but if you step out of line:WWIII.


you aren't lying a bit there! I'm trying to kind of pull away from her a little bit now but stay close enough that if she needs me I'm there, and letting her have a little more space at home and it doesn't seem like she likes it too much. My instinct which is to beat this thing to death but I'm trying not too. Like yesterday I went and got my gym membership renewed and when I got home more or less just did my own thing for the first couple of hours. Work on me I guess you could say.


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## turnera

Don't forget to take time to take a hard look at what you may have contributed to a less-than-stellar marriage, and fix that, too.


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## heartbroken424

oh yah I'm trying but it's been hard trying to figure out what I did wrong also. I know in the past everything she had a problem with I readjusted the way I did things to help her out. For example a few months ago she said we didn't spend enough time together and that I come home and talk to her for a few minutes and get on the computer for a couple of hours. So I stopped doing that and when she gets home I get off the computer and spend time with her. Which now she wants "space" which makes me question if not enough time was really an issue with her to begin with.


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## turnera

Only communication can answer that question.


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## heartbroken424

Well it happened. She got home from work and said she got to talk to her brother some more and is moving in with him and his wife. She swears on her mother's grave that there isn't anyone else. She said she's just not happy being married and doesn't want to have to tell anyone where she is going or what she's doing. She said she wants this to end on good terms and she's 95% certain that she does want a divorce. 

Her brother came by to pick her up to take her to his place because her car is in my name and we had actually bought it before we got married because her credit is horrible and I'm not comfortable letting her take it somewhere else. She said she will just be getting a ride with someone she works with that lives around here. 

Me and him talked for awhile and he's convinced that she will want to come back after a little while because he knows just how much I mean to her and that he's certain that there isn't anyone else. He said that he knows how much we mean to each other and that if this does turn out to be the end that he hopes one day me and her can be friends. 

I got to figure out now what to do with myself. I've been trying to prepare for this but I don't think I mentally prepared myself enough. This is truly one of the worst things I think I have ever felt I think.


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## DrWife

Cannot believe so many people are suggesting deceptiveness as the answer... TALK TO HER HONESTLY! Tell her "one of your friends" sent you that screenshot and do not tell her who but let her know what's up. It seems like there is a lot of secrecy in your relationship and adding more secrecy will just create more dysfunction!


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## Powerbane

Send her the shot or if you're chicken. Print it out and mail the damn thing to her brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken424

DrWife said:


> Cannot believe so many people are suggesting deceptiveness as the answer... TALK TO HER HONESTLY! Tell her "one of your friends" sent you that screenshot and do not tell her who but let her know what's up. It seems like there is a lot of secrecy in your relationship and adding more secrecy will just create more dysfunction!


I tried talking to her honestly it just didn't help any. I know some of this is triggered by her BPD but she already left so i don't know what to do about it now.


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## turnera

Powerbane said:


> Send her the shot or if you're chicken. Print it out and mail the damn thing to her brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I gather you never made an effort to talk to her brother FIRST, huh? Now, if you show him what you know so far, she's already made you out to be a needy, controlling, nutcase and whatever you tell him will be ignored.

sigh


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> I gather you never made an effort to talk to her brother FIRST, huh? Now, if you show him what you know so far, she's already made you out to be a needy, controlling, nutcase and whatever you tell him will be ignored.
> 
> sigh


i did try to talk to him but he never returned my calls. He gets busy and has a lot going on his marriage also. He is thinking of divorcing his wife so I know he's preoccupied and sister comes before brother in law I guess which is understandable. He said he knows she's out there quite a bit and takes a strong person to have dealt with her all these years. I strongly believe that any information he had he would tell me it may be that he doesn't know. I dunno it's still a shock to me right now


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## turnera

Now is NOT the time to be nice and a gentleman. Now is the time to FIGHT for your marriage. And that includes talking to everyone who has an effect on your wife. Pay whatever it costs to get a PI; this is your marriage, for goodness sake!


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> Now is NOT the time to be nice and a gentleman. Now is the time to FIGHT for your marriage. And that includes talking to everyone who has an effect on your wife. Pay whatever it costs to get a PI; this is your marriage, for goodness sake!


I talked to him when he was here about it but he didn't really know anything about what was going on other than just what she told him which is the same stuff she told me. I don't know her friend to be able to talk to her. That's her only friend that I know of and her brother. They are the only important people she has left and he says he's on my side because he feels I'm the best person for her. He's certain that she is going to want to come back and I don't know if I should try to pursue her or give her space and see what happens. As it stands right now she has no car to get around in and she's going to be sleeping on his couch. When she isn't working it doesn't seem like we have any problems but when she is we start having them. Just doesn't make sense to me to give up everything we have and go to having nothing just to be able to run around without any responsibilities


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## turnera

But he doesn't know the TRUTH! He doesn't know - because you didn't tell him - that she's being inappropriate with other men. He doesn't know what cheating does to a person's personality, and how it changes them, and how it makes them rewrite history and do crazy things because suddenly they're looking over the fence at the green grass. From the outside (his view), she's just being sis. She's NOT! He needs that information to not be sucked into what SHE sees, ok? Tell him!


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## heartbroken424

that's one of the things I did tell him was I think there's another guy involved in this. I told him about the screenshot I seen and such and that was when he told me that he doesn't think another guy is actually involved in this but she hasn't said anything to him about anything like that.


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## heartbroken424

She's been texting me for the last few minutes. text me to say she still has my ipod in her bag which she turned into a conversation of hoping we can be friends somewhere down the road because I'm her best friend..how do you leave someone that you claim is your best friend?


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## turnera

Text back and say 'If you want to be my wife I will ALWAYS be your best friend. If you don't, I can NEVER be your friend. I love you too much for that.'


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> Text back and say 'If you want to be my wife I will ALWAYS be your best friend. If you don't, I can NEVER be your friend. I love you too much for that.'


done. I told her that the day when she told me she was wanting some space. I said I'll have to move on with my life and being friends with you would be too hard


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## heartbroken424

Well you were right. I found out this morning from her brother that there is another guy involved. Now I got to figure out my next move in this downward spiral.

I'm hoping he gets information as to what time she is bringing the guy over to meet him...I want to try to show up just to confront her about this...if the guy is right there there is no way she can continue to lie about it


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## heartbroken424

I think he's trying to intervene some on a confrontation. He called me up and said he may stop by this afternoon to hang out


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## turnera

Ask her brother...so, it's ok with you that your sister - WHILE STILL MARRIED - is bringing another man for you to meet?


----------



## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> Ask her brother...so, it's ok with you that your sister - WHILE STILL MARRIED - is bringing another man for you to meet?


He doesn't want his relationship with his sister messed up over telling me which is understandable also. He says she needs to grow the f up and said that her living there is getting a little old already. his wife packed up left last night so I think being that she's about all he has left also as far as family goes he doesn't really want to put distance there


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## turnera

If he comes over, it is YOUR opportunity to say 'if you let her come live with you so that she can cheat on her marriage, you are AGREEING with her cheating. You are saying 'go ahead, I don't mind.'

Point out to him that if he REALLY doesn't want her to cheat, he will tell her she can't stay with him. Point out that it is OBVIOUS that the only reason she IS moving in with him is so she can cheat.

It's understandable that he's scared of 'losing' her, but ask him to look at it differently. He has a chance to be her ROLE MODEL by refusing to allow her to do this under his roof. Ask him, long term, wouldn't he rather know that he helped his sister make the right decisions, than just let her do whatever feels good no matter the cost to everyone, including her?


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## turnera

So, now that you know she's cheating, are you ready to expose the affair to all her important people? Or are you just as scared as her brother?


----------



## heartbroken424

oh yah. I'm ready to be able to tell her this marriage is not going to work any longer and that I won't live like this anymore. 

you got a point. I know he has left for work now I'll have to mention that exact thing to him and hopefully he will see it the way it should be.


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## turnera

That's not what exposure means. Exposure means calling up her parents, cousins, best friends, priest, anyone whose respect she wants, and telling THEM that she has chosen to cheat. Asking THEM to talk to her and let her know that THEY do not approve of her choice, that they hope she will give up the affair and return to her marriage and work out whatever problems you two have.

Didn't we cover all this already? I thought we did. Cheaters cheat IN SECRET. That's what makes it exciting and fun. Once it's no longer a secret, it becomes shameful, and they are more lilkely to decide it's not worth it. 

So...are you going to expose?


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## alphaomega

HB,

Just stop talking to you wife. Tell her your not her second choice. If she texts you ignore it, or just text back to keep the conversation limited to our separation details.

Your doing a lot of good things here. The important thing is to always remember to stick up for and reinforce your boundaries. You also need to decide if you now wan to salvage your marriage. If not, don't waste any more energy on her. If so, then the advise your getting here is good.

The gym membership is good! Start focusing on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken424

I'm not really sure if we covered this or not so much has happened. When she is denying that she is cheating will exposing it to her family do any good? I mean she's already told her brother at this point and he's pretty well all the family she has left nowadays she doesn't talk to any cousins and her parents passed away early in our marriage and from the facebook page I had talked about previously her friends already knows about it and they have obviously encouraged it. All her friends are also her co workers which I would bet this other guy is either a co worker or someone she met through one of them.

My wife only has a couple of people she's close to and I believe I'm the only who who isn't supposed to know left.

I'm really upset about it but at the same time I'm not taking it as hard as I thought I would. I want her to own up to it to me at this point.


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## heartbroken424

alphaomega said:


> HB,
> 
> Just stop talking to you wife. Tell her your not her second choice. If she texts you ignore it, or just text back to keep the conversation limited to our separation details.
> 
> Your doing a lot of good things here. The important thing is to always remember to stick up for and reinforce your boundaries. You also need to decide if you now wan to salvage your marriage. If not, don't waste any more energy on her. If so, then the advise your getting here is good.
> 
> The gym membership is good! Start focusing on yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


right now the extent of my talking to her as only been as far as being here at the apartment for her to pick stuff up which she still hasn't gotten much out at all outside of clothes and if I actually need something from her. Outside of that I haven't been texting her and just giving her space like she wanted. Which obviously the space was really she wanted time with this new sob.


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## alphaomega

Did you contact the OM yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vixen3927

*I would approach her with the information that you have received. Even though your mutual friend does not want to get into the middle of it, he should not have told you at all if he didn't. Obviously he's concerned enough to tell you about this but really your wife should have been the one not to post anything if she didn't want it coming back to her. I would suggust against creating your own facebook profile, it will just makes things more complicated and messy. Be the bigger person and come straight out with the information you have about her and ask about it. I also would not approach her in an acusatory manner as it will just automatically put her on the defensive. I would let her know of the suspicious postings on the wall and ask her what exactly was meant by those posts. Good luck!*


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## Mrs Chai

heartbroken424 said:


> I'm not really sure if we covered this or not so much has happened. When she is denying that she is cheating will exposing it to her family do any good?


Turnera is asking you to take action. So far you have only been REactive to what she is throwing at you - thus taking no action and getting battered as you go along for this ride.

By exposing the affair you are making what she is choosing to do real all of the sudden. Suddenly she is the adulterous wife cheating on a hurt husband at home - not whatever fantasy she's cooked up in her head and served to her friends. By YOU telling the truth, you're bursting her little fantasy bubble.


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## Mrs Chai

And if this man is from her work I would definitely let HR know about it. This is not okay to be harbored in a professional work environment. They can help you take the steps to separate the two.


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## heartbroken424

alphaomega said:


> Did you contact the OM yet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I just found out about it today. I don't even know anything about this person other than his name is Brian


----------



## heartbroken424

Vixen3927 said:


> *I would approach her with the information that you have received. Even though your mutual friend does not want to get into the middle of it, he should not have told you at all if he didn't. Obviously he's concerned enough to tell you about this but really your wife should have been the one not to post anything if she didn't want it coming back to her. I would suggust against creating your own facebook profile, it will just makes things more complicated and messy. Be the bigger person and come straight out with the information you have about her and ask about it. I also would not approach her in an acusatory manner as it will just automatically put her on the defensive. I would let her know of the suspicious postings on the wall and ask her what exactly was meant by those posts. Good luck!*


Oh yah that is all said and done at this point. I believe I had made a post about it after I had the talk with her about the posts. She denied it saying it was something else. I have now found out there is someone else involved and she doesn't know that I just yet


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## heartbroken424

Mrs Chai said:


> Turnera is asking you to take action. So far you have only been REactive to what she is throwing at you - thus taking no action and getting battered as you go along for this ride.
> 
> By exposing the affair you are making what she is choosing to do real all of the sudden. Suddenly she is the adulterous wife cheating on a hurt husband at home - not whatever fantasy she's cooked up in her head and served to her friends. By YOU telling the truth, you're bursting her little fantasy bubble.


Everyone that I can think of already knows. Only real family she has left is her brother. she doesn't talk to the other members of her family since her parents passed away. her friends are all co workers and they are obviously approving this stuff. her brother is the one that told me so he obviously knows. I think the only person she hasn't exposed this to is me and there is no way she is going to come to me and say it.


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## heartbroken424

Mrs Chai said:


> And if this man is from her work I would definitely let HR know about it. This is not okay to be harbored in a professional work environment. They can help you take the steps to separate the two.


Hmm that I hadn't thought of at all. My wife works through a temporary staffing agency because the job she works at does hire full time. They are liable to say something to the company about it. Problem with the company is they don't really care what is going on. I mean the supervisor stands just out the dock door to get high and the people there know it and they do nothing. Maybe I should give the agency a call about it


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## turnera

heartbroken424 said:


> I'm not really sure if we covered this or not so much has happened. When she is denying that she is cheating will exposing it to her family do any good? I mean she's already told her brother at this point and he's pretty well all the family she has left nowadays she doesn't talk to any cousins and her parents passed away early in our marriage and from the facebook page I had talked about previously her friends already knows about it and they have obviously encouraged it. All her friends are also her co workers which I would bet this other guy is either a co worker or someone she met through one of them.


First, how do you KNOW that everyone knows? You are making a HUGE assumption, and this is your marriage you're talking about. If I were in your shoes, I would be contacting every single one of her FB friends and ASKING them if they know she's committing adultery. And ASKING them if they are supporting her in cheating on her husband. Get it out of them, face to face. No one wants to admit that they help someone cheat. Call them out on it.

Second, it doesn't matter if she doesn't talk to her family - they are STILL her family, and she will still care if they find out she's cheating.

Third, what is your marriage worth? Is it worth the cost of a PI to get the proof you need to move forward? IF not, just go ahead and file and move on with your life.

You keep saying what you WISH that SHE would do, but guess what? No cheater is going to do what you want. And frankly, every cheating woman I've seen over the years basically waits to see what her husband will do, if he'll fight for her (as opposed to him waiting and hoping and dreaming that she'll come back), and if he doesn't, she gets disgusted with him and finalizes her separation from him.

If you act out of fear of angering her, you will lose her. Period. The only hope you have is acting swiftly and strongly and making it clear you don't want her if she won't recommit to you.


----------



## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> First, how do you KNOW that everyone knows? You are making a HUGE assumption, and this is your marriage you're talking about. If I were in your shoes, I would be contacting every single one of her FB friends and ASKING them if they know she's committing adultery. And ASKING them if they are supporting her in cheating on her husband. Get it out of them, face to face. No one wants to admit that they help someone cheat. Call them out on it.
> 
> Second, it doesn't matter if she doesn't talk to her family - they are STILL her family, and she will still care if they find out she's cheating.
> 
> Third, what is your marriage worth? Is it worth the cost of a PI to get the proof you need to move forward? IF not, just go ahead and file and move on with your life.
> 
> You keep saying what you WISH that SHE would do, but guess what? No cheater is going to do what you want. And frankly, every cheating woman I've seen over the years basically waits to see what her husband will do, if he'll fight for her (as opposed to him waiting and hoping and dreaming that she'll come back), and if he doesn't, she gets disgusted with him and finalizes her separation from him.
> 
> If you act out of fear of angering her, you will lose her. Period. The only hope you have is acting swiftly and strongly and making it clear you don't want her if she won't recommit to you.



Face to face would be impossible at the moment. All of her family but her brother lives several hours away and her workfriends I've never met to be able to talk to them face to face. I can though make a facebook though and either add them as friends and make one post or send them individual messages. I thought about going to her job and catching this myself but I bet I could get in some trouble over that if for certain this guy is someone who works with her

I am curious though I read on other websites that it's not a good idea to make all this public for the reason that if things were to work out somewhere down the road it can breed animosity between the family members and us and that it can put more distance between you and your spouse?

--------

_It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks. _


----------



## the guy

Depending on how the confrontation goes, if a cheating spouse is willing to work on the marraige and the NC is confirmed then it is in my opinion that total exposure is not nessesary since they are coming out of there affair fog

But, after confrontation, if the cheating spouse does not want to R and wants to continue the affair, then you want to expose the affair so as to make it as difficult, uncomfortable, and inconvienent to carry on, and hopefully bring them out of the affair fog sooner.


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## Mrs Chai

the guy said:


> Depending on how the confrontation goes, if a cheating spouse is willing to work on the marraige and the NC is confirmed then it is in my opinion that total exposure is not nessesary since they are coming out of there affair fog
> 
> But, after confrontation, if the cheating spouse does not want to R and wants to continue the affair, then you want to expose the affair so as to make it as difficult, uncomfortable, and inconvienent to carry on, and hopefully bring them out of the affair fog sooner.


:iagree:


----------



## heartbroken424

So then I need to hold off on making it known till I know for sure what she is going to do then?

Since I know the other guy is supposed to be coming over tonight (and I'm hoping I get a time from her brother) I thought about just showing up while the other guy is there and knocking on the door and telling my wife we need to talk. Not get real mad or yell at her anything but just tell her in a firm voice that this is not tolerable and if she is going to have make a choice between me and him because I won't be second place in our marriage any longer


----------



## turnera

You're thinking that this grand gesture will magically turn her around, you showing up and saying 'we have to talk.' All that will do is she will either laugh at you or sic her boyfriend AND brother on you. Either way, you lose.

The ONLY way you can save your marriage is to say 'I won't share you with another man. If you want him, I'm filing for divorce. And btw, I'm letting your family know WHY we are divorcing - because you are committing adultery.'

Your other post...you don't understand what is being suggested, and you're being too literal. You don't have to ACTUALLY FACE a person to expose her affair to them. You can call, you can write, you can email.

I'm curious, though. Do you mean to say that you have never met her only friends? Why is that?


----------



## heartbroken424

Unless I catch her though I can't accuse her of having an affair though unless I go with the gut? Which is why I would really like to catch the guy at her brother's house and confront her about it. I am going to talk to her brother before I do anything and see if he will allow me to tell her that he told me about it. I can see your point on him allowing it to happen and instead needs to be a role model. However I don't know how fit of a role model he is. He told me he was talking to other women when he decided he wanted to split from his wife...before he even told his wife

That's what i was saying I could make a facebook page and email her family and friend's and let them know what is going on. I won't deny I'm getting confused here though on what I should do. Some say let them all know and some say do it depending on how the confrontation goes

That's one I have been wondering also for quite some time and I now figure it's because she's been hiding something. her only friends are co workers which she claims she feels I would be bored if I met them and I have always said a husband should know his wife's friends. Nonetheless though when I pressured about wanting to know them all of a sudden she decides to separate instead. Makes me wonder if this is her first affair


----------



## Mrs Chai

heartbroken424 said:


> Unless I catch her though I can't accuse her of having an affair though unless I go with the gut? Which is why I would really like to catch the guy at her brother's house and confront her about it.


I thought you said her brother confirmed she was seeing another guy making this a for sure EA and a possible PA.

Why are you so worried about making this easier for her? She is committing an EA, you need to get mad and take a stand!


----------



## heartbroken424

Mrs Chai said:


> I thought you said her brother confirmed she was seeing another guy making this a for sure EA and a possible PA.
> 
> Why are you so worried about making this easier for her? She is committing an EA, you need to get mad and take a stand!



yes he did however he is worried about it messing up his relationship with his sister if I told her he told me. Each other is the only close family they have left. No other siblings and both parents are deceased and everyone else lives several hours away.

I'm not really worried about making it easier for her as much as I am for myself and those that got to deal with her on a daily basis. One thing about all this is the factor that I do still love her and this is a hard blow that i don't think has fully sank in to my head as of yet


----------



## Mrs Chai

heartbroken424 said:


> yes he did however he is worried about it messing up his relationship with his sister if I told her he told me.
> 
> I'm not really worried about making it easier for her as much as I am for myself and those that got to deal with her on a daily basis. One thing about all this is the factor that I do still love her and this is a hard blow that i don't think has fully sank in to my head as of yet


What right does she have to be angry? She's the one in the wrong here and everyone seems to be forgetting that fact. She is still married to you and she is doing something that is very much against her vows! 

Her brother should be concerned with getting her marriage back on track. Her divulging the fact that she is knee deep in an EA/PA is an avenue for him to help pull her out of the fog and get back to working on your marriage.

You need to tell the brother that you want to make this marriage work so you will need his support in not supporting her having an affair under his roof. If he really cares about his sister and marriage, he will do the right thing.


----------



## Mrs Chai

heartbroken424 said:


> One thing about all this is the factor that I do still love her and this is a hard blow that i don't think has fully sank in to my head as of yet


Of course you still love her, but you shouldn't tolerate infidelity or any excuse she happens to come up for it. There is a lot of good suggested reading on this forum with people in similar situations as yours. I would definitely take Turnera's advice as they have help many, many people through the steps of confronting and dealing with EA/PA's.


----------



## heartbroken424

I gave her a call and told her we needed to talk..she said what do we need to talk about I just flat out said some of the issues between us..she said there are no issues I want a divorce.

So her and her brother are coming over soon to talk to me about it...since she doesn't have a car


----------



## the guy

H-
you seem to be all over the place here. Settle down I know its hard, but right now you need to get a plan together, write this sh*t down and focus.

Make your self an outline and put togther a plan and work the plan. 
#1 what do you now for sure
#2 what do you suspect
#3 have you cathered enough eveidence to support you suspicions
#4 is confronting her this way going to achieve the most effective out come.

I personally would gather more solid evidence. Showing up when both parties are sitting there talking is a set up for the ol' "were just talking" line. If you have something concrete and have a print out...something in black and white that you can physicaly show her it will make for a better confrontation.

My point is some undenialable proof that she sees and can not deny, facing the reality that you know with out a doubt that she is behaving wrong and it is grounds for a divorce if she doesn't stop.

So please calm down, think and write out a plan that suites your situation and work the plan.

The emails if damming enough are good just make a copy and show her, But your bothers attempt to stay out of it and your gut feeling won't help in trying to repair this.

She need to clearly see that what she is doing is wrong and you know exactly what she is doing. Other then that you are setting your self up for complete denial from her. with out hard proof you are setting your self up for statements from her like"your nut and insecure" or " were just talking,there is nothing going on" and the classic " your crazy and you just don't trust me".

What you want is that look of surprise on her face, the swelling of tiers and the admission that "yes I did behave badly".

Some thing tells me your confrontation plan will lead you back to square one and making them work harder on hidding it from you.

My I suggest that you tell no one, not even the BIL and do your own investigation with regards to staking out the the BIL home and quitely look around to see what happens there, bring a camera, some coffee, and dark clothes and observe. Who knows there might be a point to bust in and catch them.

The main thing here is I don't think you have enough, maybe I'm wrong, but at the very least write up a plan and work the plan.


----------



## heartbroken424

the guy said:


> H-
> you seem to be all over the place here. Settle down I know its hard, but right now you need to get a plan together, write this sh*t down and focus.
> 
> Make your self an outline and put togther a plan and work the plan.
> #1 what do you now for sure
> #2 what do you suspect
> #3 have you cathered enough eveidence to support you suspicions
> #4 is confronting her this way going to achieve the most effective out come.
> 
> I personally would gather more solid evidence. Showing up when the both parties are sitting there talking is a set up for the ol' "were just friends" line. If you have something concrete and have a print out...something in black and white that you can physicaly show her it will make for a better confrontation.
> 
> My point is some undedialable proof that she sees and can not deny, facing the reality that you know with out a doubt that she is behaving wrong and it is ground for a divorce if she doesn't stop.
> 
> So please calm down, think and write out a plan that suites your situation and work the plan.
> 
> The emails if damming enough are good just make a copy and show her, But your bothers attemp to stay out of it and your gut feeling won't help in trying to repair this.
> 
> She need to clearly see that what she is doing is wrong and you know exactly what she is doing. Other then that you are setting your self up for complete denial from her. with hard proof you are setting your self up for staements from her like"your nut and insecure" or " were just talking,there is nothing going on" and the classic " your crazy and you just don't trust me".
> 
> What you want is that look of surprise on her face, the swelling of tiers and the admission that "yes I did it".
> 
> Some thing tells me your confrontation plan will lead you back to square one and making them work harder on hidding it from you.
> 
> My I suggest that you tell no one, not even the BIL and do your own investigation with regards to staking out the the BIL home and quitely look around to see what happens there, bring a camera, some coffee, and dark clothes and observe. Who knows there might be a point to bust in and catch them.
> 
> The main thing here is I don't think you have enough, maybe I'm wrong, but at the very least write up a plan and work the plan.


While I agree I don't have enough I don't know if I should bother with anything now since she is on her way over to tell me she wants a divorce


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## the guy

Well be prepared, No crying and don't beg.
Stay calm man up and show her confidence that you can move on with out her.

Even though you can't right now, you have to show her that she is making the mistake and you are stronger then her .

Tell her you love her and you can move on with out her if she chooses this path.

VERY IMPORTANT DO NOT SHOW HER HOW NEEDY YOU FEEL

NO CRING NO BEGGING.

THE POINT IS TO MAKE HER SECOND GUESS HER DICISION WHEN SHE SEES HOW STRONG AND CONDIDENT YOU ARE.

your emotions will get the best of you so walk away before she sees how weak you feel. Trust me do not empower her by begging


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## heartbroken424

that's pretty much the plan is just try as hard as I can to be strong and confident about this. I already know she is making a mistake and eventually I believe she will see this also. As much as she second guesses herself I'm sure this will end up being something later she is going to want to do over.

I'll post what happened after we talk


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## heartbroken424

Well we talked and she did tell me she wanted a divorce. Hardest conversation I've ever had. I was proud of myself I never lost my composure although once in the conversation I felt a lump coming up in my throat so I took a few seconds before I talked again. Only thing that really doomed me on outing an affair was when they got her her brother started saying he doesn't really know if there is someone else involved or not but said he told her that if there is she needs to drop it and let all this settle before doing anything. I kind of felt a bit betrayed on that honestly and speechless. Anyways...

She mentioned that she knows I feel that this is because someone else is involved and she said once again that there isn't. I said well as you know I have my suspicions and told her a couple of things I had found out. Her face fell and she looked down at the ground and I said that pretty much confirms it right there and she didn't say anything about it. I said what's sad about this is this didn't have to happen but you chose it. I won't deny you a divorce if that's what you want because either way I'll be ok. 

Then she started saying that she's sure she'll have regrets somewhere down the road about all this and I said I know you will but by the time you become aware it'll be too late. She said again she knows she wants a divorce right now but she's going to wait a bit till she files. I said if you know this is what you want then why wait? she didn't have a response to that

She said she would like to be friends and have this end on a good note. I said if you wanted things to end on a good note I feel you should have thought things through more. She asked again if we could be friends because I have been her best friend for a long time. I said I don't feel like I've been your best friend for quite some time because you stepped out of our marriage emotionally sometime ago but maybe someday we can be but right now I don't feel is the time.

She said some other odd and end stuff but for the most part that was pretty much what was said.


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## turnera

Pack up her stuff. Go to the lawyer tomorrow and file. It's the only chance you have to shake her into reality. Other than exposing, of course.


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## notaname

turnera said:


> Pack up her stuff. Go to the lawyer tomorrow and file. It's the only chance you have to shake her into reality. Other than exposing, of course.


I really agree that you should file.


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## heartbroken424

How do I expose now when her brother is saying he doesn't know if there is anyone else involved? I even did tell him that he is her role model now and the right thing to do is not allow an affair to go on under his own roof and those were my exact words. As I've said before I don't have the money for a PI myself with trying to handle all the bills myself now and short of pulling stalker tactics I don't think there is anything I can do. Sure I can tell friends and family that I suspect an affair but suspicions do no good without proof

I started packing up some of her stuff shortly after she left. The thought of the divorce doesn't even seem to bother her any. I think that is part of what hurts also.


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## heartbroken424

notaname said:


> I really agree that you should file.


that's on the agenda tomorrow is to start looking for an attorney to help me sort through some of this


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## heartbroken424

I think the other guy already broke up with her I could be wrong though. She made a facebook post that says 

_I wonder when this thing inside me that frightens everyone off will just leave me alone

this world just takes everything from me and leaves me broken and battered on the side of the road_

probably not the best idea to be looking at her posts but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment or something..


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## FairSkies

Her brother is a coward, and I think you should tell him so. Look, I get it that he doesn't want to "mess up" his relationship with his sister, but if all he is doing is enabling her cheating, it is not a healthy relationship anyway. If he doesn't have the balls to confront her about her lies that destroyed her marriage, he is a coward.

I'm sorry for what you have been going through. I hope things work out for you, personally, regardless of what happens during your marriage. 

I agree with going ahead and filing for divorce. I would say, "since you have been repeatedly unwilling to be honest and open with me, this is the consequence." She has yet to truly open up to you about what she has been going through internally, and what, if anything, you have done or failed to do to contribute to her unhappiness. You have given her plenty of opportunity to sit town and have a genuine talk with her. 

The sit back and wait game is over. Time to take charge.


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## F-102

If my W did this to me, whether there was an affair or not, I would tell her:

"No, we CAN'T be friends-if you leave the marriage, then I will have no further contact with you. The door will be shut, you will NOT be welcome in my new life, and even if everyone else abandons you, I will NOT let you back in. You have already made it clear that you think you would be better off without me, so I will give you exactly what you want."


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## turnera

heartbroken424 said:


> I don't have the money for a PI myself with trying to handle all the bills myself now and short of pulling stalker tactics I don't think there is anything I can do.


So how much does a divorce cost? You're going to be spending money either way.

Stalker tactics...do YOU not have any friends? Friends will follow her for you and take pictures.

And why are YOU paying all the bills yourself?


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## heartbroken424

turnera said:


> So how much does a divorce cost? You're going to be spending money either way.
> 
> Stalker tactics...do YOU not have any friends? Friends will follow her for you and take pictures.
> 
> And why are YOU paying all the bills yourself?


I have no idea how much a divorce costs. Even before it was confirmed she wanted a divorce it was agreed that she was going to pay for it.

Honestly? No I don't have any friends. I'm a really shy person and the friends I did have all got busy in their own lives and we all just quit talking quite sometime ago.

I've always made more money so I paid the majority of the bills and left her to make her car payment,car insurance & food. A lot of times she had trouble keeping up with her car payment. Since it's in my name only and I can't risk her not paying for it she gave her car back to me when she left. When she left though I did tell her I wanted her to help pay all the current bills because I shouldn't be left to juggle everything on such short notice. So she gave me a little money yesterday to help out.


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## F-102

So let her pay for it. I'm certain that she will be paying for it for a long, long time to come. 

Get some new hobbies, interests, get a new social circle-in short-get a NEW life.


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## heartbroken424

F-102 said:


> So let her pay for it. I'm certain that she will be paying for it for a long, long time to come.
> 
> Get some new hobbies, interests, get a new social circle-in short-get a NEW life.


Oh yah I am sure she will be too. I realize we both did some things wrong in our marriage but I do feel the problems we had at one point could have been fixed. She's said herself multiple times and even said when she left that she has a great husband. She claims the reason she left was because she needed to prove to herself she can be independent and stand on her own two feet..which that reasoning used to be she missed the single life. another thing that shows that there was an affair. Which I'm sure this new relationship won't be a lasting thing if it's still going on.

I got a couple of job interviews to go to here shortly for a part-time job which that would be a huge help in getting things paid for right now. I'm trying to remember now some of the things I used to like to do that I haven't done in awhile. Been going for walks a lot and got my membership at the gym renewed and such.


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## heartbroken424

She sent me a text to say she is probably going to do the divorce next month after her and her brother get moved into a new apartment


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## turnera

Then it doesn't hurt to tell everyone the truth, does it?


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## heartbroken424

not really. the problem comes in proving the truth when her brother has turned his back on me about it,I have no friends to follow her & I don't have the money to hire a PI. All I have to go on is suspicions at this point,you know?


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## turnera

Well, then, if I were you, I'd be getting in my car MYSELF and following her.


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## F-102

Buddy, it sounds like you would be better off to stay away from bro AND sis.


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## heartbroken424

I went yesterday and took a back alley behind her brother's house and sat there for a long while. Apparently she never came home last night either. Which was later confirmed when he called me and asked me to come over. He said he is getting pretty tired of her crap now of not coming home every night and just leaving him a message on facebook saying she won't be home and not telling him where she is going to be at.

Right now I'm trying to turn my sadness into anger and highly thinking about just going ahead and telling her friends and family my suspicions on why we are getting divorced and the things she has put me through.


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## turnera

Why would you NOT tell them? As it is now, you're just the dumb husband sitting at home waiting and hoping she will choose you. 

Choose your dignity. Pack her stuff, file for separation, inform everyone that matters that she's cheating and you're filing, and see what happens.

Your marriage can survive your wife's anger. It cannot survive another man.


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## the guy

She most likely had someone with her...saw you and went somewere else. 

For now get everything of hers over to the BIL and tell them both until she can give you 100% commitmnet that there is no reason for you to hang on to her stuff.

Schedule a joint marriage counsler and give your wife the date,location and time. let her know that you hope she shows up, but if she doesn't you know why... but still go it will do you some good.
This will look good it will help you do some of your own damage control... showing you are still attempting to work on the marriage...even if you show and she doesn't ,its still good to talk.


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## Twiceshy

Wow- feeling your pain. FB has opened up a whole new way for people to "begin" their affairs. I am an avid Facebook user as is my husband- but he has me completely blocked from his account - and I unfortunately saw some things on my laptop (which he was using) that broke my heart and confirmed his secret meetings with his "girl" - it has basically destroyed me - but it is not in his nature to care about stuff like that - unless its his feelings being hurt. I feel for you ...


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## heartbroken424

So thought I should update on what's been going on. I have broken the news of the affair to her family and none of them were surprised or bothered by it really. 

She still denies the affair but she has said enough already for me to know without question it's going on. I know enough to know that she has went on to actually pursue the relationship and spends more time at his place than her brothers. I even found out that once she took my car picked him up and they went to the cemetery in my car! Now that really made me mad. Something else she denies happening but one of her friends came forth and told me about it. From what I hear that happened about 2 weeks before we separated. 

Now I gotta another issues that is really making me mad which is her making statements on her FB calling me a _controlling d*ck_ and that I _can eat a d*ck_ and whatnot. As a matter of fact I told her just yesterday that I'm tired of her going around talking crap on me and trying to victimize herself. Maybe I should take that to my attorney as well. We was trying to do it peacefully without getting lawyers too deeply involved but she apparently wants to turn this nasty even though she says she doesn't.

Seriously? I've been a good husband taking care of her all these years and she goes and does this kind of bs when she's the one who caused it and I'm the a-hole? How does that work!? childish as heck! My plans are this week to actually send her a certified letter giving her a date and time to come pick up her stuff because in reality on that kind of stuff she is on my time and I'm not going to let her decide when she's going to do something.


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## F-102

She is in the fog. So of course, you are now the bad guy in all of this, it's your fault that she had an affair, and by now, she has rewritten history so that you were never the loving, wonderful man she married-all along, you were the abusive, controlling schm*ck that ruined her life.

By all means-take her down!


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## turnera

You ARE printing out everything she writes, right? All her texts, emails, FB posts? You're gonna need it in court.

Who else did you expose to? Do they work together?


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## heartbroken424

Yes I am. I am keeping everything. The slander. I know enough to know that the new bf is 38 and she's 26 and his name. Even at that she still doesn't own up to the cheating.

I told her family. I told friends. I even emailed the friends I didn't know and of course they already knew and support it because I'm such an a-hole. They do work together but from what I can tell the company doesn't care because apparently the supervisor smokes pot on the job with other co workers and is the "touchy" type from what I have found out recently from my wife.

I've even stopped talking to my brother in law. As I've said at first he told me about the other guy then later he went on saying that he doesn't really know. So I found out not long ago from an accidental slip from him that the other guy had been allowed to stay the night at his place a few times. So I just don't talk to him either if I can help it


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## turnera

Do not trust ANYTHING your wife says about her work. If her boss smokes on the job, then report that AND the affair to her boss's boss.

Not that I want you to keep trying. The whole family is disgusting, including your wife. 

Count your blessings you found out now and divorce her. Find someone who understands what marriage means.


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## heartbroken424

To be honest I'm not trusting anything that comes from my wife at all anymore. I can't really. 

I even got my invitation to the family reunion taken back. Not that I planned on going anyway. I figure it's just her way of trying to make sure I'm not there because she plans on bringing the new bf to it. I'm just trying to move forward at this point and do what I need to do to protect myself through all of this. I meet with my attorney later this week.


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