# Did you ever find something better to do than have an affair?



## lisacolorado

I'm the wife of a workaholic commuter who will admit he's lost much of his charm. But he provides very well, so complaining about it is a bad road.

Having an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend is also a bad road to go down, it's sick. But it's pleasurable and exciting.

The better I behave and shape up my attitude about my marriage, the more of this boring life I am going to get.

There's got to be a better road to walk down. I can get better work, for example. I can work harder at my creative work. 

I would like to hear from anyone who's been here: Don't want more of the same, don't want to blow my marriage up---so then what? Have you made it through this doldrums in your relationship the RIGHT way? I need reassurance and inspiration.


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## AtMyEnd

If you're that bored with your marriage, have you told this and talked about it with your husband? If you have and you still see no way it's going to change or get any better, why not just divorce?


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## lisacolorado

Why not just divorce? Well...
1. I have no place to go, and 
2. I'm not sure I have the right to drop a d-bomb on everybody. 
3. I have a lot to lose. 
4. I believe I could find strength and fulfillment in better ways, and then decide to leave, or stay and be happy with my life. 
I notice that when I'm doing things I should, and I'm in my power, his chewing noises and stale jokes don't bother me so much.

But I have asked him to see a marriage counselor a couple of times and my words blow away in the wind. I have to get myself stronger.


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## uhtred

What do you want in a marriage? Not generalities like "excitement", but what could your husband do to make you happy?


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## EleGirl

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been together and married?

Do you have a job outside the home? You mention creative work. That makes it sound like you do something creative where you are by yourself working on it.

Does your work earn enough for you to support yourself?

Do you do any charity work?

Do you have children?


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## Satya

lisacolorado said:


> Why not just divorce? Well...
> 1. I have no place to go, and
> 2. I'm not sure I have the right to drop a d-bomb on everybody.
> 3. I have a lot to lose.
> 4. I believe I could find strength and fulfillment in better ways, and then decide to leave, or stay and be happy with my life.
> I notice that when I'm doing things I should, and I'm in my power, his chewing noises and stale jokes don't bother me so much.
> 
> But I have asked him to see a marriage counselor a couple of times and my words blow away in the wind. I have to get myself stronger.


Your last paragraph happened because you fear 1-4 above. Sometimes you must be willing and ready to lose a marriage in order to try saving it. 

As long as your feet are stuck in cement due to fear, nothing for you will change.

Change is different, sometimes risky, and ultimately educational. We all need to learn to adapt to tough change, because life will not always give you the luxury of a soft spot to land.


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## lisacolorado

uhtred said:


> What do you want in a marriage? Not generalities like "excitement", but what could your husband do to make you happy?


 He could get his personality back. He used to be funny and have opinions. Now he's mush if you ask him to make a choice of restaurants. He doesn't criticize me enough. It's all rote.


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## lisacolorado

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> How long have you been together and married?
> 
> Do you have a job outside the home? You mention creative work. That makes it sound like you do something creative where you are by yourself working on it.
> 
> Does your work earn enough for you to support yourself?
> 
> Do you do any charity work?
> 
> Do you have children?


We've been together 29 years. I don't work outside the home, but I have a college degree. I'm learning my math and then I'm going to learn small-business accounting. I don't earn enough to support myself. I have done charity work, most recently volunteering at the hospital. We have two adult children, one of whom is also in a rut.


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## lisacolorado

Satya said:


> Your last paragraph happened because you fear 1-4 above. Sometimes you must be willing and ready to lose a marriage in order to try saving it.
> 
> As long as your feet are stuck in cement due to fear, nothing for you will change.
> 
> Change is different, sometimes risky, and ultimately educational. We all need to learn to adapt to tough change, because life will not always give you the luxury of a soft spot to land.


Yes, and it's getting so I can't help it anymore--it's got to change. But it could be GOOD change. Or not...


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## Young at Heart

lisacolorado said:


> I'm the *wife of a workaholic commuter w*ho will admit he's lost much of his charm. *But he provides very well,* so complaining about it is a bad road.
> 
> *Having an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend is also a bad road to go down, it's sick. But it's pleasurable and exciting.*
> 
> The better I behave and shape up my attitude about my marriage, the more of this boring life I am going to get.
> 
> *There's got to be a better road to walk down. I can get better work, for example. I can work harder at my creative work.*
> 
> I would like to hear from anyone who's been here: Don't want more of the same, don't want to blow my marriage up---so then what? Have you made it through this doldrums in your relationship the RIGHT way? I need reassurance and inspiration.





lisacolorado said:


> *We've been together 29 years*. I don't work outside the home, but I have a college degree. I'm learning my math and then I'm going to learn small-business accounting. I don't earn enough to support myself. I have done charity work, most recently volunteering at the hospital. *We have two adult children, one of whom is also in a rut*.


First congratulations 29 years and two adult children is a lot to be proud of.

I am a 68 year old Type A workaholic. My wife sort of made me that way at one point in our marriage and it nearly destroyed our marriage.

I bring this up because I want you to think about your role and your actions in your marriage.

In Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, my primary love languages are touch and words of affirmation (praise). My wife and I started to drift apart after we became empty nesters. She wouldn't touch me and we became a sex starved marriage. Since I was not getting the emotional love I needed at home, I started to look for it at work. I worked very hard, got promotions, eventually worked my way up to be president and CEO of my company. Why? Because the only words of affirmation I got was from coworkers, bosses, clients. That is how I felt emotionally loved and worthwhile. It nearly destroyed my marriage.

I deluded myself, by saying to myself that I was being a good provider and making sure that my wife and kids wanted fro nothing. I really just wanted to feel good about myself. I am sure that you and your H both want to just feel good about yourselves. What is it that each of you is not providing the other?

The point is have you been conditioning your husband through your behavior or lack of some behaivor? Is his workaholic nature trying to fill a void he isn't getting at home? Is his lack of charm something that you may have by accident contributed to? 

What finally saved our marriage was a couple things. The first was my figuring out through Chapman's book and others what my wife needed to feel loved and cherished. That made her more willing to attempt to meet my needs, but she didn't understand how to do that yet. We got a really good sex therapist-marriage counselor who helped us a lot. We also went to a Gottman's Art and Science of Love weekend workshop that also really helped. 

You sound like you feel financially trapped in a boring life. You should go to a 3rd world country and find out what being financially trapped in a boring life is really about so you count your blessings and understand that you really do have options. And by options, I don't mean an affair.

Sit down with your H and tell him how you feel. Ask if the two of you can go to marriage counseling, not because he is broken or you are broken, but because after 29 years your marriage could use a tune-up, so the two of you can start planning for a great retirement together. He wouldn't drive a car or truck for 150,000 miles without a tune-up, why shouldn't a 29 year relationship have a tune-up.

What I really liked about the Gottmans was how the first thing they did was to have us figure out why we got together in the first place. What traits did we value in each other? What were our shared dreams and goals. What skills in our partner did each of us rely upon. They really had us figure out that yes, we were great friends, a team, trusted each other, admired each other, had shared hopes and values and wanted to grow old together. 

The second day things got rough. We learned from the Gottmans about negotiating with each other over "grid-lock issues" that neither of us would budge on. Only we were taught how to approach that negotiations differently so we might make some small progress and to celebrate such small changes. We also learned how to reinforce the love we felt for each other in as little as a few minutes each day by adopting a few rituals.

The marriage counselor/Sex Therapist also helped us negotiation the really hard grid lock issues. Some we made progress on and some we didn't, but there was enough positive change that we are still married.

You many not believe it, but you are in a position where you have options and with some hard work on your part and your husband's part you can achieve much of what you want.

Good luck.


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## KrisAmiss

I've been married 26 years. I'm much like you. I did find my husband was cheating on me mostly online the past couple years (Virtual Affairs...) so don't be surprised if that's the case. I plan to work with him to see what we should do about all this. If I didn't have kids, I'd have an easier time leaving. Google midlife crisis. Your man may be silently freaking out.

I like what Young at Heart says. I used to admire a hard worker, but the workaholic thing has gotten ridiculous. I can see where that'd be validation at work, being the perfect provider at home. My husband mentioned something about throwing himself into work.

My child's also in a rut. Depression? Can pharmaceuticals help yours or your hubby?

Of course I have no answers. I'm looking for something new and exciting. It's a great question. I hope someone super smart shows us the way.


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## SunCMars

lisacolorado said:


> We've been together 29 years. I don't work outside the home, but I have a college degree. I'm learning my math and then I'm going to learn small-business accounting. I don't earn enough to support myself. I have done charity work, most recently volunteering at the hospital. We have two adult children, one of whom is also in a rut.


Yep, as you said.....

You do not deserve to drop the D-Bomb.
You do not deserve to complain out loud.

You did not work on yourself. You rode out the bad weather under your husbands wing, under his boring gaze.
You did nothing to light the fuse that connects to his impulse center. You went with the flow and raised your children.....in comfort.

Now, you are in the middle of an Emotional Affair wondering what to do, with who and why.... why for. 
Wondering if it is worth it. Worth it to continue emptying your heart and feelings onto another man. Playing with him too, I suppose.

Are you sleeping with this other man? That is the road you are heading to. I suspect you will not be honest with us strangers, either. 

I get it, you are bored. But you also seem complacent, laid back...maybe lazy. 

You need a plan and a challenging trail. 

Maybe, the trail that leads up to Pikes Peak.

If you had guts and ambition you would move on from your husband and divorce him. Free "him" from you.

Sleep with a few men, and settle-in somewhere more fast paced.


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## Emerging Buddhist

lisacolorado said:


> Why not just divorce? Well...
> 1. I have no place to go, and
> 2. I'm not sure I have the right to drop a d-bomb on everybody.
> 3. I have a lot to lose.
> 4. I believe I could find strength and fulfillment in better ways, and then decide to leave, or stay and be happy with my life.
> 
> 
> I notice that when I'm doing things I should, and I'm in my power, his chewing noises and stale jokes don't bother me so much.
> 
> But I have asked him to see a marriage counselor a couple of times and my words blow away in the wind. I have to get myself stronger.


It's one thing to recognize our suffering... it quite another to make it a hobby.

You are in your power whether you are doing the things you should, or you shouldn't... loving yourself is not love when you are acting out in ways that don't love yourself.

I feel a conflict... if you can choose to stay and be happy in your life, why aren't you, instead of doing the things that may end your marriage for you? In your power may not be so in your power after all...

Maybe it's the tone of your words for him that confuse me... stale jokes and chewing noises aside.

Well, that and the EA... if we cannot help some one, take the extra step not to harm them.

I believe if your husband knew the tightrope you're playing on, he might find the motivation to read up on the pitfalls of balancing acts.

And if he doesn't feel convinced of the necessity while witnessing your high-wire soul-searching artistry... you need to learn how a self-deployed safety net works.

I'm sure the instructions do not include the "boyfriend while married" accessory...


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## lisacolorado

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It's one thing to recognize our suffering... it quite another to make it a hobby.
> 
> You are in your power whether you are doing the things you should, or you shouldn't... you need to learn how a self-deployed safety net works.
> ...


a self-deployed safety net--is that a thing?

I can say I make my suffering a hobby. Probably. Hadn't thought of it that way.:surprise:


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## lisacolorado

SunCMars said:


> Yep, as you said.....
> 
> You do not deserve to drop the D-Bomb.
> You do not deserve to complain out loud.
> 
> You did not work on yourself. You rode out the bad weather under your husbands wing, under his boring gaze.
> You did nothing to light the fuse that connects to his impulse center. You went with the flow and raised your children.....in comfort.
> 
> Now, you are in the middle of an Emotional Affair wondering what to do, with who and why.... why for.
> Wondering if it is worth it. Worth it to continue emptying your heart and feelings onto another man. Playing with him too, I suppose.
> 
> Are you sleeping with this other man? That is the road you are heading to. I suspect you will not be honest with us strangers, either.
> 
> I get it, you are bored. But you also seem complacent, laid back...maybe lazy.
> 
> You need a plan and a challenging trail.
> 
> Maybe, the trail that leads up to Pikes Peak.
> 
> If you had guts and ambition you would move on from your husband and divorce him. Free "him" from you.
> 
> Sleep with a few men, and settle-in somewhere more fast paced.


Not sleeping with EA guy...Yes, I do need a plan. Guts, ambition? Me? See, The question of this thread is, have any of you found something better to do. I'm reaching.


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## lisacolorado

KrisAmiss said:


> I've been married 26 years. I'm much like you. I did find my husband was cheating on me mostly online the past couple years (Virtual Affairs...) so don't be surprised if that's the case. I plan to work with him to see what we should do about all this. If I didn't have kids, I'd have an easier time leaving. Google midlife crisis. Your man may be silently freaking out.
> 
> I like what Young at Heart says. I used to admire a hard worker, but the workaholic thing has gotten ridiculous. I can see where that'd be validation at work, being the perfect provider at home. My husband mentioned something about throwing himself into work.
> 
> My child's also in a rut. Depression? Can pharmaceuticals help yours or your hubby?
> 
> Of course I have no answers. I'm looking for something new and exciting. It's a great question. I hope someone super smart shows us the way.


My son tried Prozac and stopped.

Don't you think we can find our own way if we listen to ourselves and take it seriously?


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## lisacolorado

Thank you, Young AT Heart.


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## KrisAmiss

lisacolorado said:


> My son tried Prozac and stopped.
> 
> Don't you think we can find our own way if we listen to ourselves and take it seriously?


I do think making an active attempt to change things has to take us somewhere. I've been living a quiet life of despair as far as my marriage goes. For whatever reason, I was too embarrassed to admit we had problems. In denial, I thought therapy was for people with real problems. Ha.

Sadly I'm working with my therapist now on the idea that I matter. That I have a voice that should be heard. I'm always rattling on about what other people want/need and she brings me back to, what do I want? Who, me?

The chewing! I so HATE the chewing!

Does your sad son also have an annoying relationship with your husband? Depression/lazy meet anger/high strung. Cringe worthy interactions.

OK, now that I'm thoroughly depressed... He's not meeting your emotional needs. The old bf is taking something from your husband. We work on ourselves but there's got to be something to feed the marriage too. When he comes home from work, just start shaking him and shaking him, screaming WAKE UP! WAKE UP! 

LOL. Let me know how that goes.


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## Emerging Buddhist

lisacolorado said:


> a self-deployed safety net--is that a thing?


In the air we call it a reserve parachute... on the ground, meditation. :smile2:

So you know the way you are feeling is not ok... what is ok for you in your relationship?

When things are given to us for too long the world begins to look lazy... lazy is a great teacher, been there myself from time to time, things have to slow down to keep them from being blurry in speed.

What is interesting to you that tunes you in to... you?

We cannot love others if we do not love ourselves... within that, frame your love in being intimate in the process of seeing why you spend your time where you currently are, not by trying to fill it with other things, not casting them away... holding them close and understanding what has brought you where you are.

Try a meditation class and you may begin to take listening to yourself to "11" on the dial.:wink2:


ETA: I see you are an artist of varied forms (painting, crafts)... that takes a lot of listening I would think. I am not much of an artist so probably my listening come to me in a different way of self-discovery in learning why I may indulge in things that take away from my happiness. If you can recognize with your senses of what is not harming you, you will be more aware to what actions are, especially the pre-planned... learn who you aren't.


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## SunCMars

lisacolorado said:


> Not sleeping with EA guy...Yes, I do need a plan. Guts, ambition? Me? See, The question of this thread is, have any of you found something better to do. I'm reaching.


You are reaching...

Stand straight up.
Ask yourself, "What would make me happy?"

Reach for it. Do it. It is that simple.
You have your own legs, your own mind. It is OK to Learn from others, but do not snuggle inside them.
Make it your dream, not one created in someone Else's mind.

Anything else is conjecture...you are waiting for 'others' to take you to that Garden of Eden... Again!
Get movin' or quit moaning and love your husband for loving someone with one foot in the door and one half of your brain...floating.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, I wish...gets you nowhere. You are there already.


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## KrisAmiss

OK, so did we ever find out what's better than having an affair?

My WS & I had a great trip with the family. He was the perfect husband really. Then I asked a question about something he's done lately, he said he "sees FetLife everwhere" (like he's fantasizing about all these people we've passed in theme parks. Geez.) and then he's all about getting a divorce. I say, this is psychotic behavior. He says, yes. He says he loves & cares for me, but doesn't like me. Next day I say I'm disappointed he didn't give us half a chance and he says he'll go to marriage counseling. He doesn't remember saying he doesn't like me and doesn't know why he keeps wanting divorce. But he kind of does. No drugs/alcohol involved. Gawd. I get the impression he wants me to divorce him as he kind of wants to but can't quite bring himself to do it.

Mine talks about kinky bondage but it's clear it's really other women he wants, as it's not me he wants to tie up. I'm merely tied up in this marriage. I think we need some hobby that makes the world a better place or something. My baby is so happy here, I can't move for 3 years til she's out of school. I'm a bit bored myself and think my husband finds me boring. Yet he's boring. We have everything and we have nothing. I'm thinking an affair sounds pretty good at this point.


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