# Confused, looking for advice



## MisterRitter

For the first time in almost a year I have been talking to my wife over the last week or so. She asked for a separation last august after basically deciding she was done with trying to make it work. I definitely see a lot of my role in getting us to that point, and have been working on myself in the past year to be someone I like and respect and a lot of those changes would have made a difference when we were having problems, I believe.

So, after I agreed to the separation with the idea that we could see other people, which i was opposed to but felt I couldn't say no to, she started see a long time friend of hers and it quickly got physical. She then cut it off with him saying she was ashamed of what she did and saw how badly it affected everyone in ours lives (no children just other family members), especially me.

I did the 180 for months but recently realized that I needed to work through things in order for me to move on, so I could quit being poisoned by hate and anger. Over the past week or so we have been talking a lot and seeing my therapist together. I put out a proposal that we reinstate a separation in which we didn't see other people and starting talking again and see if we could decide if we wanted to try to R. Shortly after her infidelity, she asked to continue on with the separation but not see other people. At the time I agreed, but months later, sent her an angry email saying I didn't care who she ****ed anymore.

Right now, she is finding it very hard to agree to my proposal. She said her initial reaction was to say yes, but we have since spent hours talking about it and she has spent much more than that thinking and talking with other friends and a therapist about it. As far as I can tell, she doesn't like the idea of rules and being restricted by unnatural encumbrances, but i really don't understand her hesitation.

My gut says to stop right now, and continue where I was headed before we started talking again (away from us), but I don't want to do something this important out of frustration.

I am curious if anyone has thoughts on this, or maybe went through something similar, or what tipped people into deciding they were interested in an R.

Thanks.


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## jerry123

Why did she ask for separation in the first place? Could she have possibly be seeing the friend before August. 

During separation it's usually not a good idea to start a relationship with someone since you guys are still married. 

First of all, read the book "married mans sex guide" by Athol Kay. It will help YOU. And that is what you need to focus on right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustratedinphx

You haven't really mentioned what you want. Do you want to R or do you feel like this process is doing more harm than good? Do you know what she wants? It sounds like she's not ready to recommit if she wants to see others, even if she feels guilty for doing so, but can you get her to share her true intentions?


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## MisterRitter

jerry123 said:


> Why did she ask for separation in the first place? Could she have possibly be seeing the friend before August.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


she asked for it because she was basically done with us. We had been on a downward slide for a couple of years, and she, more than me, tried to work on but collectively we didn't do enough. A lot of my issues of insecurity and fear and not really knowing who I was and depression contributed a lot to our problems. All of those things I have been addressing in myself and continue to do so regardless of what happens with the two of us.

she did begin to have feelings for him, but didn't act on them outwardly before we agreed to the separation. I actually think she acted inappropriately by some of the situations she put herself in with him before we separated but believe her that nothing happened.

I do have the married man's guide, but haven't read it yet. I plan to soon and know from what I hear that it will help me.

thanks for the reply.


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## MisterRitter

frustratedinphx said:


> You haven't really mentioned what you want. Do you want to R or do you feel like this process is doing more harm than good? Do you know what she wants? It sounds like she's not ready to recommit if she wants to see others, even if she feels guilty for doing so, but can you get her to share her true intentions?


I don't know what I want. Except, and this is something I can't totally defend rationally, but I do feel it, I don't want to try again or open myself up to that process unless we are not seeing other people during the process.

The thing I don't understand is that i don't think the issue is that she wants to see other people its that she doesn't want to not be able to see other people.

I think she would answer any questions I asked her truthfully, but exactly what intentions are you referring to? Does she want to get back together? I don't think she knows either but is hesitant to agree to my idea before exploring.

The way I see it, is we have a lot of history and love together and I don't feel like I am asking for much from her in order to maybe gain/regain something potentially great for both of us.


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## GTdad

MisterRitter said:


> Right now, she is finding it very hard to agree to my proposal. She said her initial reaction was to say yes, but we have since spent hours talking about it and she has spent much more than that thinking and talking with other friends and a therapist about it. As far as I can tell, she doesn't like the idea of rules and being restricted by unnatural encumbrances, but i really don't understand her hesitation.


She wants to keep her options open, and for a long time you have been merely one option out of several, and certainly not the best option in her opinion.

In your shoes, that would tell me all I needed to know.


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## jerry123

MisterRitter said:


> she did begin to have feelings for him, but didn't act on them outwardly before we agreed to the separation. I actually think she acted inappropriately by some of the situations she put herself in with him before we separated but believe her that nothing happened.



That's your answer right there, your marriage will never survive if she has feelings for him. She wanted to separate so she can spend time with him, which is what she did. 

I think there is more to the story that nothing happened before the separation. The puzzle pieces are all there, just put them together.

Read the book to help you in your next relationship. Find a woman that is loyal and have kids with her. Your current wife is broken.

If you R with her something tells me this "friend" will always be there on the side for her. 

She does not feel guilty about what happened...you are plan B. Don't be plan B.


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## jerry123

Just read your past threads....back in Oct. is when you should have served her D papers. All the pain she has caused you for the past 10 months...

This has gone on way too long...


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## Mavash.

You agreed that she could see other men and that was great....for her.

I think you need to cut her loose until she decides what she wants because right now it's not you.

Now if you're okay being plan b then by all means carry on.


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## noas55

If you are in a separation, still married & trying to R, no spouse should be allowed to date or be in any situation that could get physical (slow dancing, bump & grind dancing, certain games at parties, or meet ups that are alone or with out large groups)
I am in week 6 of my own nightmare. We have set these rules for both of us. These are deal breakers. No R if broken. 
You need to decide if you are really wanting to R with her. If so stand firm on exclusivity or walk away and give another woman who deserves it your love


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## doubletrouble

Go back to the feelings of "I don't care who you f***." Protect your heart, fix YOU. Don't think she'll do it, or help you along the way. If she loves you enough to be a wife, she'll come to you gracefully. 

Accept no less in your life, whether it be her or another.


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## MisterRitter

GTdad said:


> She wants to keep her options open, and for a long time you have been merely one option out of several, and certainly not the best option in her opinion.
> 
> In your shoes, that would tell me all I needed to know.


actually i think that for quite some time I have not been an option. My goal in opening up communication again was to get past the hate and anger and hurt and move on with my life. It only happened once we started talking again, on our own and with a therapist, that i came up with this idea.

A good part of me agrees with the idea that her reaction to this tells me all i need to know. Frankly, i don't trust myself enough right now to be able to make the right decision, though, which is why i sought advice here. The advice does all seem to point the same way though.


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## MisterRitter

Mavash. said:


> You agreed that she could see other men and that was great....for her.
> 
> I think you need to cut her loose until she decides what she wants because right now it's not you.
> 
> Now if you're okay being plan b then by all means carry on.


The only reason I am agonizing this much over this decision, is because if we don't agree to exclusivity and communication now then I am done with her and us. I agree that its not the best way to handle the situation, to cut off possible options, that ideally I should be open to us one day coming back together if we both want it. But I am pretty sure, that for me this is the last chance for us. I don't think she views it the same way, though she knows mine.


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## MisterRitter

jerry123 said:


> That's your answer right there, your marriage will never survive if she has feelings for him. She wanted to separate so she can spend time with him, which is what she did.
> 
> I think there is more to the story that nothing happened before the separation. The puzzle pieces are all there, just put them together.
> 
> Read the book to help you in your next relationship. Find a woman that is loyal and have kids with her. Your current wife is broken.
> 
> If you R with her something tells me this "friend" will always be there on the side for her.
> 
> She does not feel guilty about what happened...you are plan B. Don't be plan B.


She does feel guilty and ashamed of what she did. There may be more to the story, I cannot know for sure, but I do believe her. There is obviously more to the story that cannot be told her. Nuances that no one can understand or know about but her and me. I say that because I do believe she has not lied to me about her 'friend', and that they have had no contact since she told me thats what was going to happen. I may still be plan B, but I don't think its to anyone person. I think its to the idea of total and willful freedom to do whatever she want.

She may indeed be broken, at least for me.


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## Mavash.

MisterRitter said:


> ideally I should be open to us one day coming back together if *we* both want it.


Key word in here is WE.

There is no "we" in this.


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## jerry123

The more you can tell us the more we can offer advice. Leaving things out just keeps us guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisterRitter

I am not deliberately leaving stuff out. Just stating the obvious, that I could post everything I think is relevant but it still leaves an incomplete picture of me and her both as individuals and a couple.

Other stuff: I feel guilty and regretful of some of the ways I handled the marriage in, but especially when it started to decline around 5 or 6 years ago. I did not try to share myself and connect with her as much as I think I should have. I was depressed and drank too much and wasn't able to share who i was because i didn't know. I was also too much of a nice guy, she lost respect, i tried to be nicer......

There are reasons beyond the two of us that makes me want to make it work. I consider her family to be my own at this point, though mine will have a really tough time if we would get back together. It would be simpler logistically not to have to worry about splitting assets and that type of stuff (not that is a large reason but it does factor it)


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