# Am I the problem?



## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

SO, my platonic friend of 7 years, boyfriend for 1.5, and husband for 1 is terrible at communicating and has progressively gotten worse.
The back story: for the last two years I have been away on military orders. I have seen him 14 days in the last year and maybe 30 days combined in the past 2 years.
Me: 31F, him 31M.
We have had our fair share of ups and downs that come with being 6000 miles apart but that isn’t what is changing my love and dedication to him. Our consistent issues are lack of communication and following through with what he says he is going to do.
I can ask hey can you send me W-2s, hey can you look into XYZ, hey can you mail me this. Hey, can you be more this, hey I am feeling this way, hey I am bothered by this, I get ignored 99.9% of the time and told I am dramatic and too emotional. I give several hours or more for a response and then when I don't get one in a reasonable amount of time I follow up with "hey why are you ignoring me" and then he leaves me on read and continues to ignore me. This causes me to advance from being upset to being angry. During this time he will be sending me memes and whatnot but not addressing my concern or request. Since these things have repeated themselves over and over again and I have reached out at least twice a month to resolve the issues with a lengthy phone conversation of me complaining (B itching). I have gotten to a point where I am losing the bond we once had. I am feeling the distance and considering a separation upon my return to the states in roughly 37 days to a couple that has already been separated for 2 years.


For example, he made a pact with me in May 2021 that he would be enlisted to the AF (which was supposed to be a year prior) NLT DEC 31, 2021. He quit working in August of ‘21 to focus on fitness so he would be prepared for AF. The 5th of December rolled around and no efforts had been made I explained to him that the recruiters would be on EXODUS from the 19th-3rd and asked if he was going to keep his pact or take it off the table. (we aren’t getting any younger). He got upset and said, “got to keep the pact” with an attitude. We eventually got over the issue and he went to take a PT test and found out what he needed to work on. (he failed).
He was supposed to have been back already and they gave him information on when he could come to work out with other potential recruits. He has not gone once. He pushed the joining to march, then May, and now is planning other priorities over the summer so I can imagine he will push the date again.
Look: I don’t care if he goes or not I would just like a plan of action and goal setting to take place so I can also plan my life.
I feel like I carry the relationship alone. The conversations we do have involve zero stimulating factors. It’s either memes, his hobbies, or me asking how his day is (he seldomly inquires about my day and I am being very generous with seldom) He has 3 IGs, 2 FBs, WhatsApp, signal, etc and posts on forums about his hobbies to include, bikes, guns, cameras. He has a network of colleagues and friends that keep him busy with projects and odd jobs but they seem to take precedence over all other things.
He recently said “you married a 12-year-old” this is a grown man 31 years old saying this. He said he is emotionally stupid while getting very angry when I talk to him upset about his shortcomings. He recently stated that he argues to win an argument. I said that is very immature as communication is meant to resolve conflict and further develop relationships positively. Am I the asshole for contemplating a separation because though we are loyal and dedicated to one another my needs and concerns are not being met? Outside of these things, there is no romanticism, no “good morning beautiful”, no sexual connections, excuses of low libido, no, “how is college and work going”, no “what projects are you dealing with”, “is there anything i can help you with”, etc. AM I THE ASSHOLE for expecting two-way effective communication?

This guy is very smart, loyal, dedicated, talented, and intelligent but doesn’t seem to concern himself with anything but himself. When I do reach out or become infuriated with him he says, “I don’t know what you want me to say”, “ I don’t mean to do that”, “i think you need to take a nap”, “I think you are just tired”, “all these problems will go away when you are home because I can smack you ass and you will have your friends and things to do”. He says he is on the spectrum, has ADHD, etc. to me it is a bunch of excuses… I have said if these things are true to go to a doctor get diagnosed and get help and he says “nahhh”.

Additionally, I recently got diagnosed with 2 herniated discs, 3 annular tears, a bulging disk, spinal stenosis, and degenerative disk disease. I sent him the findings of my MRI when he woke up and he sent me a sad face emoji when the other 7 close friends/family called me….WTF. He also didn’t even read it because when I spoke to my MIL a few days later she said “I heard you have Rheumatoid arthritis like do,” ……what.

What do you guys think?

PLEASE KNOW I know I become very annoying when I get mad. I send a handful of rude comments and bring up last time I was ignored or old issue to prove he has a pattern of negatively impacting behavior or say things like "if I was a buddy or a guy you'd make time for me etc"


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I agree that you married a 12 year old. 

There’s nothing you can do to change him. It’s all a matter of if you want to stay in this situation or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And if if he needed to be unemployed for 6 months to work out to get in the AF and still couldn’t make their PT requirements - he is wwaaaaaaayyyy out of shape!

(Friendly ribbing from former Army LOL 😆)


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

he seems to have some mental issues.
i am sure he thinks he is busy all the time, and does not have time to do any of these extra tasks you give him. but i bet when you see the house, you will see it is filthy, clothes unwashed, unwashed plates in the sink, garbage everywhere, bugs in the house....

does he take a lot of drugs? like pot? drink a lot of alcohol?
it he one of these guys that video game all day and night long?

try to figure out what the heck is going on. but i have seen the above type of behavior, and it was due to severe bipolar mental illness. 

So look for the signs. see what they match up to.
but since you are not there to knock him out of this funk (which you might do by getting him professional help and having him keep on his meds) it is probably a lost cause for a long distance relationship.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> he seems to have some mental issues.
> i am sure he thinks he is busy all the time, and does not have time to do any of these extra tasks you give him. but i bet when you see the house, you will see it is filthy, clothes unwashed, unwashed plates in the sink, garbage everywhere, bugs in the house....
> 
> does he take a lot of drugs? like pot? drink a lot of alcohol?
> ...


He currently lives with his parents and has for 25 of the 31 years of his life. He does not play video games, has smoked weed once in college, drinks a glass of bourbon maybe once a month but usually on special occasions, has never smoked a cigarette. This is him sober no excuses.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> And if if he needed to be unemployed for 6 months to work out to get in the AF and still couldn’t make their PT requirements - he is wwaaaaaaayyyy out of shape!
> 
> (Friendly ribbing from former Army LOL 😆)


lol he isn't even out of shape he just wasn't consistent. He is 195lbs 6'1


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

ellecon0913 said:


> lol he isn't even out of shape he just wasn't consistent. He is 195lbs 6'1


he is also trying to go TACP


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I don’t like being nagged, I hate it. Your initial post reminds me of my mom talking to me, I can almost hear her voice.

So yeah, I think you have a bad dynamic and I’d take what your husband says at face value. He is behaving like a child and in response you’re behaving like a mother. Mother/child relationship isn’t husband/wife, so some of the other points in your post like lack of romance, sexuality make sense in that context.

I think drop the man child and get an actual man. One thing to watch is that you need to filter guys and find one that is on the same page with you in terms of things you’re likely to nag about.

There is almost nothing more unattractive than nagging IMO.

Edit: BTW you may or may not be like this, it’s just what I got from reading your post. It reads like you’re a mom trying to get her kid to do something.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are in this platonic relationship with a supposedly intelligent dude who could give two hoots about you. 

You are living in a fantasy. He is not even a friend.

He sounds detached, maybe on the spectrum, maybe gay?

Who knows what makes him tick?
It is not you, or sex with you.

Your own health should be your first concern.

Will you be able to remain in the military with your spine situation?

I wish the best for you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you talked to his parents?
if he is living with them, they have to see how he is every day?
are they happy that he is doing nothing with his life, or are they exasperated too?
maybe you and the parents can line up some mental evaluations?
its good that he is not doing drugs and not drinking every day....
but something still is wrong. Its like he has zero motivation to do anything


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

oldshirt said:


> And if if he needed to be unemployed for 6 months to work out to get in the AF and still couldn’t make their PT requirements - he is wwaaaaaaayyyy out of shape!
> 
> (Friendly ribbing from former Army LOL 😆)


I stopped reading the original post when I got to the comment that he "quit working to get in shape". That's all the evidence needed to measure his lack of maturity.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He is what he is. There's nothing you can do to make him change because that's him, that's his nature. 

Plus you don't have a relationship. None. You two have been separated for so long that I would say that this
is a pretend marriage. 

If you would know what's good for you, ending the relationship is your best option. Supposedly you knew him for 8 1/2 years before you married him, and you didn't see this?
How come? You should have had in all that time an inkling of what he was like. Or was it the "I'll fix him" case?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't see how you can ever have a good marriage when you have been separated for nearly all of it. It may have been wiser to have left marriage till the 2 years were up.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> You are in this platonic relationship with a supposedly intelligent dude who could give two hoots about you.
> 
> You are living in a fantasy. He is not even a friend.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. I am waiting to see a spinal surgeon currently and I am not working. I am hoping it can be fixed and I can carry on with my career.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I can't see how you can ever have a good marriage when you have been separated for nearly all of it. It may have been wiser to have left marriage till the 2 years were up.


I said when I left we could separate and rehash it out when I got back but he stuck with me, wrote me letters when I was unable to have a phone. He has been adamant on staying together and working things out just hasn't had correlating actions to match his words.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> He is what he is. There's nothing you can do to make him change because that's him, that's his nature.
> 
> Plus you don't have a relationship. None. You two have been separated for so long that I would say that this
> is a pretend marriage.
> ...


No we were good friends. we were also long distance friends. Talked on the phone when life got chaotic, i lived in cali he lived in fl. I am a traveler and attended college in CA and FL living in OK and AR, actually when i went up to my moms after my dad passed to prepare for my ship out date he moved from FL to AR for me and that is how we went from friends to partners.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> have you talked to his parents?
> if he is living with them, they have to see how he is every day?
> are they happy that he is doing nothing with his life, or are they exasperated too?
> maybe you and the parents can line up some mental evaluations?
> ...


I do talk to his mom and she blames herself on some of his behaviors. However, his family doesn't really communicate issues either they ignore them. I don't want to put a lot on her because she is due to have heart surgery soon. I did reach out and ask my MIL to have my FIL to download an app so that I could reach out to him as a last resort. He is an only child and pretty rotten so i would imagine that is why he has not motivation. He went to college for a short time and flunked out so his parents took his college fund back. He has been relatively successful has about 30k in camera gear and double in guns and goes to shooting matching etc. the only thing that seems to motivate him is what HE wants to do and he does those things very well. I know it is easy to be financial stable when you live at home or with a roommate my issue is he is 31 and still trying to live like he is 20 years old. Obvious the bigger issue to me is the lack of give a f u c k s to me or about me.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> So I don’t like being nagged, I hate it. Your initial post reminds me of my mom talking to me, I can almost hear her voice.
> 
> So yeah, I think you have a bad dynamic and I’d take what your husband says at face value. He is behaving like a child and in response you’re behaving like a mother. Mother/child relationship isn’t husband/wife, so some of the other points in your post like lack of romance, sexuality make sense in that context.
> 
> ...


I totally get that and I feel very naggy. I know that he feels like I am. I would like to change the dynamic and work on it but I don't know how to navigate that. I started with just sending him blogs and information about relationships because he has little experience and a lot of that experience was heartbreaking for him. I really do try to see things from his perspective before I react but it has been difficult lately as things have compiled.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I can't see how you can ever have a good marriage when you have been separated for nearly all of it. It may have been wiser to have left marriage till the 2 years were up.


being in the military means navigating the distance.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Cooper said:


> I stopped reading the original post when I got to the comment that he "quit working to get in shape". That's all the evidence needed to measure his lack of maturity.


yeah looking back on it and the fact nothing came to fruition is frustrating. To be fair I am not supporting him financially he has hefty savings with never having to pay rent and etc.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ellecon0913 said:


> Thank you for your input. I am waiting to see a spinal surgeon currently and I am not working. I am hoping it can be fixed and I can carry on with my career.


Get many opinions, look at your options. I had spinal fusion after 15 years of pain. My problem originated from the helicopter that I was in getting shot down. Being in Airborne units exacerbated my back problem. I almost got booted out from the Reserve Forces after my extensive surgery. 

I made it my mission to get stronger. 

The required sit-ups was my challenge and problem with the Army's PT test.

Ya think!

I suspect you will be going to Walter Reed, or maybe one specializing in spinal surgery?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> And if if he needed to be unemployed for 6 months to work out to get in the AF and still couldn’t make their PT requirements - he is wwaaaaaaayyyy out of shape!
> 
> (Friendly ribbing from former Army LOL 😆)


Ditto from an old marine. He would never make it through Parris. He is a child


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Elle,
I am not an expert so do consult a real one 
I can relate to this since I see so many behaviors you described in my son (23 living with us)
These are mental issues.
You are not wrong but do realize you are not dealing with a stable person.
He is dealing with his own issues.
My guess would be anxiety disorder or depression.
Best to convince him to see a therapist, they could prescribe medication to help him deal with anxiety.
Honestly normal people (one who never experienced sever anxiety or depression) can't relate to what's going on.
I can only understand because I have seen it in my son (after 1 year of therapy he's still not out of it).

He is lucky to have you around and hope he can get proper medical help.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am wondering if he just has not had the time in the marriage to really bond with you yet.
you say he is into guns, maybe the two of you go to the range, enter some contests, bowling pin shoots, maybe extreme long range shooting.
it will give you more things to talk about when you are away from each other....


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Get many opinions, look at your options. I had spinal fusion after 15 years of pain. My problem originated from the helicopter that I was in getting shot down. Being in Airborne units exacerbated my back problem. I almost got booted out from the Reserve Forces after my extensive surgery.
> 
> I made it my mission to get stronger.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your service. I am sorry that happened to you. I have only had my pain for a little over a year. I am pcsing to Fort Rucker AL in late March and ju


HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Elle,
> I am not an expert so do consult a real one
> I can relate to this since I see so many behaviors you described in my son (23 living with us)
> These are mental issues.
> ...


This was really sweet and I appreciate your input. He doesn't seem unhappy to me he is very involved in his other social media accounts and very social with his buddies that have the same hobbies. He is living at home currently because I am deployed and we are able to save money that way for a home purchase when I return. I hope that gives some clarity and perhaps You can give more insight. I mentioned therapy on several occasions and he has been very resistant perhaps he will be more inclined when we move into together.... if we move into together.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> i am wondering if he just has not had the time in the marriage to really bond with you yet.
> you say he is into guns, maybe the two of you go to the range, enter some contests, bowling pin shoots, maybe extreme long range shooting.
> it will give you more things to talk about when you are away from each other....


yes, we have gone to the range together and I am really good at long range but suck with pistols so we have plans to get me competition ready when I come home.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ellecon0913 said:


> I totally get that and I feel very naggy. I know that he feels like I am. I would like to change the dynamic and work on it but I don't know how to navigate that. I started with just sending him blogs and information about relationships because he has little experience and a lot of that experience was heartbreaking for him. I really do try to see things from his perspective before I react but it has been difficult lately as things have compiled.


I don’t know how to change that.

I am nearly 50 and my mom still nags me about things and tries to direct my life and she’s almost 80. I think it’s just an instinct people have.

With that said, your husband is ripe pickings for that.

I am 100% squared away and my mom still finds things to worry and nag me about. So when I went looking for a wife I found someone who is almost the exact opposite of her personality wise. 

To be fair I was very deserving of being told what to do when I was a kid and a young man as I was irresponsible and didn’t care about the future.

What actually helped me was my father telling me that by not applying myself I was limiting my options and only dumb people limit their options. So that was it.

Does he have any men around him who are squared away?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ellecon0913 said:


> No we were good friends. we were also long distance friends. Talked on the phone when life got chaotic, i lived in cali he lived in fl. I am a traveler and attended college in CA and FL living in OK and AR, actually when i went up to my moms after my dad passed to prepare for my ship out date he moved from FL to AR for me and that is how we went from friends to partners.


Okla? Stationed at Tinker or Altus? Are you AF? A friend's son is a Lt. Colonel in N. Dakota.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t know how to change that.
> 
> I am nearly 50 and my mom still nags me about things and tries to direct my life and she’s almost 80. I think it’s just an instinct people have.
> 
> ...


I was married for ten years to a man in the navy and I never nagged because he was squared away. I asked for the split because I fell out of love we are still friends he is remarried and has a kid ...life is good.

I do not think I am naggy to the degree of a mother considering that ignoring me and lack of effort into the relationship or helping me out to file taxes or buy a house is the reason I have been annoying to him. It's like he only has the motivation to do what HE wants to do for himself and not what WE need to do. 

He recently said he didn't feel a need to mail me an anniversary car because he isn't sentimental. This was after weeks of telling me that 1st year tradition is paper and I was inquiring to him about what he was doing to give me ideas. I know this is a long rant and I apologize.

His father is squared away both parents are AF retired and his dad could retire from his job after the military but still works. The issue I think is that he doesn't know how to communicate because his family doesn't. 

We are opposites and I think for the most part that works. I generally am happy and very loving but lately, it seems like all I do is nag for attention and effort. 

He has a plethora of men around him that are military or veterans that he does matches with and hangs out with here and there. He isn't very personable and the friends that I have met aren't super close with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ellecon0913 said:


> he is also trying to go TACP


Yeah right.

TACPs love guys that don’t actually accomplish anything or follow through on anything in 31 years and that can’t pass an entry level PT.

He’s a dreamer and a talker but not a do’er. 

He’s a Chairborne Ranger.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Okla? Stationed at Tinker or Altus? Are you AF? A friend's son is a Lt. Colonel in N. Dakota.


No this traveling was before I joined the military. I am Army.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Ditto from an old marine. He would never make it through Parris. He is a child


I know a guy that was USMC and was discharged for medical due to injury. He joined the Army and was busting chops to his fellow grunts as his skills made them look bad. He said you definitely could not bounce a quarter off their bunks, but his crap was squared away!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ellecon0913 said:


> No this traveling was before I joined the military. I am Army.


Ft. Sill?


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah right.
> 
> TACPs love guys that don’t actually accomplish anything or follow through on anything in 31 years and that can’t pass an entry level PT.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree. He keeps bragging about his 94 picat scores and how they wanted him to go into this and that. He didn't grow up being athletic either. He was on the yearbook club and was ROTC. I am not downplaying his intelligence or capabilities i do believe in him but I am realizing that he doesn't do anything he says he is going to.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Ft. Sill?


No i am in Korea atm.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you aren’t the problem. He hasn’t grown up and apparently doesn’t want to. His life suits him as it is. You aren’t aligned and should have left him as a platonic friend. Can you correct that from where you are or do you have to wait until you come home?


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> No, you aren’t the problem. He hasn’t grown up and apparently doesn’t want to. His life suits him as it is. You aren’t aligned and should have left him as a platonic friend. Can you correct that from where you are or do you have to wait until you come home?


I honestly don't want to separate I am here to get insight from others to help me navigate another solution or to help. Do you think that when I get home and settled and he isn't at his parents that he would be able to become the person he says he is going to be and put effort into our relationship? My biggest concern is the lack of depth which is possibly why none of these little things matter to him.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You married a man child. It is time to move one and find a real man. Also, statistically long distance relationships never work.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ellecon0913 said:


> I honestly don't want to separate I am here to get insight from others to help me navigate another solution or to help. Do you think that when I get home and settled and he isn't at his parents that he would be able to become the person he says he is going to be and put effort into our relationship? My biggest concern is the lack of depth which is possibly why none of these little things matter to him.


He lives with his mom at 31?!


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> He lives with his mom at 31?!


He has lived with his parents most his life and decided to move back when he got laid off during covid. It allows us to save money as well.
But I understand your energy


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> You married a man child. It is time to move one and find a real man. Also, statistically long distance relationships never work.


I appreciate your post and input I am here to find insight and solutions.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ellecon0913 said:


> No i am in Korea atm.


I'm talking about when you were in Okla. My best friend was airborne in Korea. Maroon barret.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ellecon0913 said:


> He has lived with his parents most his life and decided to move back when he got laid off during covid. It allows us to save money as well.


Is he working right now? Nearly every company is hiring. Perhaps you could set some expectations for your return... I want you to have a job, and a place for us to live, etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ellecon0913 said:


> I honestly don't want to separate I am here to get insight from others to help me navigate another solution or to help. Do you think that when I get home and settled and he isn't at his parents that he would be able to become the person he says he is going to be and put effort into our relationship? My biggest concern is the lack of depth which is possibly why none of these little things matter to him.


My observation over a long life is that there are many people who are very slow to grow up (some never do) and although we can encourage them and guide them and advise them and do everything we can think of to help them unfortunately we can’t make them do something they ultimately don’t want to do. This could be just who he is. You'll have to decide at some point how much time you’re willing to invest in him to see if he changes. Temporary change is easy but permanent change is not.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Is he working right now? Nearly every company is hiring. Perhaps you could set some expectations for your return... I want you to have a job, and a place for us to live, etc.


You are right about change. I was in a healthy marriage prior to this one we had personal differences in lifestyle and that's okay. I say that to say I have no desire to raise a man and I am running on empty with trying to be heard understood loved and given the basic needs of a relationship rather it is sexual/romantic conversations, conversations about life, inquiries about my days, etc. I am currently getting nothing and when I ask for things I am forgotten and responded with "sorry bb" which is very lazy lover considering I am a very loving giving devoted person.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Is he working right now? Nearly every company is hiring. Perhaps you could set some expectations for your return... I want you to have a job, and a place for us to live, etc.





thunderchad said:


> Is he working right now? Nearly every company is hiring. Perhaps you could set some expectations for your return... I want you to have a job, and a place for us to live, etc.


Well, he isn't working and hasn't since august sadly. he has odd jobs with his NVGs, videography for a buddy, and some marketing but not anything of substantial income. I do not provide for him financially he has decent savings and does make some income to hold him over. It is pointless currently for him to get a job when I will be there soon and he is in FL and I am being stationed at Rucker about two hours away. I do not know what tower I am going to yet so we don't know where to relocate just yet. i know it sounds awful and really it is he should have gotten a job when he knew he wasn't committed to the AF thing. He can't make any hard decisions when comes to his future he likes to call himself a jack of all trades....


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> I'm talking about when you were in Okla. My best friend was airborne in Korea. Maroon barret.


No I was there for work for about two years prior to my enlistment.


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

Sorry if this is off the mark, but in addition to your other issues, you've got some wool over your eyes.

Your guy failed to launch. He's a manboy. He knows your not going to leave him (as you've told us in this thread). He's counting on your continued enabling, just like he's counted on his mom's continued enabling. Guys like this are about a dime a dozen, and you can find them at every gym, shooting range and bar in America. How did you find yours?

You've indicated he's living at home to save money (at 31) but yet he has no job to actually earn money to save! No self respecting 31 year old married man is going to live with his parents short of an emergency situation. This seems like a flimsy justification that you've developed to justify manboy behavior. Who's paying for those hobbies he's very good at, and has lots of time to pursue? Is that coming from his big savings account, and if its that big, then why are you trying to save money by having him live with his parents? You seem like a rad gal and your military service alone justifies respect, but none of what your saying really makes much sense in an adult world. Seriously, how long does it take a 31 year old to get ready for a fitness test?

Get straight with this situation. He's putting forth the offer to you right now of spending the rest of his life doing just about exactly what he's doing right now. So far, with your nagging and bargaining and justifying, you've signed on to that offer. You've approved that agreement. You need to either be okay with the arrangement or make plans for something different, up to and including leaving manboy.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It just sounds like he's failing to be a man. He is 30 years, living with mom, no job, no life goals, and lazy. He needs to man up and be a leader and put a dent in the universe.

Does he play video games?

While it is frustrating, it is not uncommon. He is just the typical guy in his 20s or 30s these days. I'd say 90% of men are like this now in that age bracket. Your story us very similar to many others posted here and what it boils down to is a man not acting like a man.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I don't envy your situation. Long distance "relationships" suck. I think I would have waited to get married. 

He seems to have checked out.



ellecon0913 said:


> PLEASE KNOW I know I become very annoying when I get mad. I send a handful of rude comments and bring up last time I was ignored or old issue to prove he has a pattern of negatively impacting behavior or say things like "if I was a buddy or a guy you'd make time for me etc"


And, hows that working for ya?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ellecon0913 said:


> yes, we have gone to the range together and I am really good at long range but suck with pistols so we have plans to get me competition ready when I come home.


that may really bear some fruit.
a bonding experience. AND you get to see the types of guys he hangs with too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think he called it correctly. Jack of all trades often ends up being master of none. Superficial knowledge at best. IMO, he wants to forever remain that 12 year old boy that he sees himself as. Unfortunately for him, few women are going to want to mommy him the rest of his life. Someday he may grow up but he needs to know you may not be around to see it. I’d make that clear as soon as you return.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you are really good at long range....a lot of women are getting into ELR









New Extreme Long Range Cold Bore World Record -


Extreme Long Range shooting is a discipline in which the envelope is routinely pushed. ELR shooter Lindsey Paul recently set a new cold bore world record.




www.thefirearmblog.com





Maybe he can do a rifle build for you, and you can start competing. he could be your spotter. The rifle build he can do while you are out of country...give you something to talk about

the idea being: every marriage needs SOMETHING you two enjoy and can do together


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

ellecon0913 said:


> he is also trying to go TACP


I think his actions show differently... for more than just this.

The military is a meat-grinder on marriages... it cost me several, even worse is a marriage of different service branches and different deployments/assignments. If you are Army and him AF, how often will you really be together to grow in a marriage? I think you are seeing the results of not being together already, worsened by the nature of your husband.

If you look at it with a desire for clarity, do you already see yourself alone in this relationship?

Perhaps it is time to look inward and ask yourself if this is loving yourself more, and in fairness loving him well to hold him to something he seems to not want to put much effort in? I ask this because you put 10 years into a marriage with someone who was "squared away" and still fell out of love to now be in love with someone who is testing the very essence of love not showing best effort to show you one of love's simple values... respect and importance of each other.

You both seem to have expectations, yours that he be responsible and accountable for showing he cares enough to follow through words to actions (dependable) and his, that he be allowed to move through life with a bar set by himself and no other.

Marriages require friendship. 

Friendship is an easy word to use when support is not needed, but it tells when we need to depend on someone are we rewarded or disappointed, frustrated or fulfilled, do we grow in affection or feel distanced? If we do not feel we closer in the experience, what lessons are we learning?

If you went from years of marriage to moving into this marriage, know why.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Thisnotthat said:


> Sorry if this is off the mark, but in addition to your other issues, you've got some wool over your eyes.
> 
> Your guy failed to launch. He's a manboy. He knows your not going to leave him (as you've told us in this thread). He's counting on your continued enabling, just like he's counted on his mom's continued enabling. Guys like this are about a dime a dozen, and you can find them at every gym, shooting range and bar in America. How did you find yours?
> 
> ...


This was fantastic. I appreciate your input. This hit home in a lot of places. His savings is pretty hefty considering he has lived at home all but about 5 years raking in 50-80k up until 2019. When you don't have an overhead and buy everything outright it is easy to save. He is an only child with two AF retired parents and his dad could be on his second retirement but instead still works. He pays for his own hobbies.

He is a man-boy, I do tell him to grow up a lot when I am extremely frustrated. I am not okay with the arrangement and I know it needs to change. I think he has been enabled his entire life and I didn't realize I was doing that. The goal was to not work and focus on gym and get into AF as TACP. In hindsight by late November when nothing had been done he should have gotten a job, you are right. I didn't think much of it because I attend online college and work my military job 9-5 and live in Korea.

His actions not matching his words outside of the AF thing are my biggest concern. I am blinded by a lot and am currently realizing that I deserve more. I am still hoping that we can rearrange the current arrangement and reestablish some boundaries but I also feel like no matter what I say he will consistently respond the same.

I don't know if it is wrong but I am currently past my threshold and I am out of the proverbial ****s to give.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> if you are really good at long range....a lot of women are getting into ELR
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes we are building me an AR currently. I definitely want to have something to bond over. However, in order to enjoy one another's companies, he needs to learn to appreciate and respect me.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> It just sounds like he's failing to be a man. He is 30 years, living with mom, no job, no life goals, and lazy. He needs to man up and be a leader and put a dent in the universe.
> 
> Does he play video games?
> 
> While it is frustrating, it is not uncommon. He is just the typical guy in his 20s or 30s these days. I'd say 90% of men are like this now in that age bracket. Your story us very similar to many others posted here and what it boils down to is a man not acting like a man.


I understand there are reasons why he is living at home that at the time it was decided seemed reasonable because he was supposed be in the AF 3 months ago. Obviously that didn't happen and now I am here telling you yes he is effing lazy and a lazy lover. 

no he doesn't play video games. he is kind of a nerd reads manuals has 700 dollar binoculars, thousands in guns and camera gear. 

yes I am sure many people go through something similar. I have 5 older brothers however who are all successful family men who don't treat their wives with disrespect.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> I don't envy your situation. Long distance "relationships" suck. I think I would have waited to get married.
> 
> He seems to have checked out.
> 
> ...


It's clearly not.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think he needs a wake up call. At least give him a chance before separation. 

Say something like...

I need to see x, y, and z by the time I get home in 37 days. If these things don't happen, then I'm leaving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell him the two of you need to have a make-or-break discussion. How long before you are home?


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Tell him the two of you need to have a make-or-break discussion. How long before you are home?


Yes, I was thinking about doing that when I get back. 36 days. He is going on a trip with his friend the week I get back with one if his friends to be a camera man..so I want to sit down when he gets back before he moves in and hash it out.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> I think he needs a wake up call. At least give him a chance before separation.
> 
> Say something like...
> 
> I need to see x, y, and z by the time I get home in 37 days. If these things don't happen, then I'm leaving.


Oh I have tried something similar with no change. I do want to give it an effort to make it work but I feel drained with effort. I'm currently just leaving him in read because I'm tapped out. 

I think once we are face to face we can hash it out but right now nothing I do is working. ..

Got any other ideas? How do guys think? Why can't I get through to him?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Face to face is always the best if possible.

If you've already tried that I think he needs a bigger wake up call then.

And since nearly all separations lead to divorce I would just skip that and tell him...listen, if these things don't change immediately I'm leaving and filing for divorce.

Sometimes even bringing up the D word us enough to get people into action.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Face to face is always the best if possible.
> 
> If you've already tried that I think he needs a bigger wake up call then.
> 
> ...


Oh I have already bright up the D word. I can say " you do this and I get mad and then you do this more and I get more mad, does that make sense" he reply with "no" literally. I have been at the end of my rope lately. 

......


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Hmm well it sounds like this is just a very immature man who won't change, listen, or grow up.

Now you decide if you want this to be your life or not, because he obviously is not changing. 

I'm guessing you will be filing for divorce on your return.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Hmm well it sounds like this is just a very immature man who won't change, listen, or grow up.
> 
> Now you decide if you want this to be your life or not, because he obviously is not changing.
> 
> I'm guessing you will be filing for divorce on your return.


I don't want to get separated I came here hoping for some pointers on how to manage the situation. Yes he is sounding more immature the more I talk to people on here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want him to be someone he isn’t. Maybe he can be that person at some point but he has to want that. So far he doesn’t. As it stands, you’re incompatible. That’s why he needs to know exactly what you want from him and what will happen if he can’t be what you want.


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## ellecon0913 (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You want him to be someone he isn’t. Maybe he can be that person at some point but he has to want that. So far he doesn’t. As it stands, you’re incompatible. That’s why he needs to know exactly what you want from him and what will happen if he can’t be what you want.


Fair. Good point.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Fml Sylvester GIF - Fml Sylvester Cat - Discover & Share GIFs


Click to view the GIF




tenor.com


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Love does strange things to the human brain, it tends to blind us to the obvious.

You writing reflects an intelligent person so how about doing a logical assessment.

Forget your emotional connection to this guy, put aside love and the history you have with him. Pretend you met him today, look at his life, look at his habits and philosophies, his loyalty and honesty. Consider his goals and accomplishments, his tenacity and resourcefulness, his ability to commit and achieve. Is your equal? Is he growing? 

Would you want to date him if you met him today? Would he be someone you would picture spending your life with? If you can logically evaluate him as a man and not your boyfriend maybe that clarity can help you determine if you should continue the relationship or not.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I was married 24 years to a man who was in the Air Force.....27 year military career. We lived overseas for a total of 16 years in 3 different assignments. Have many lady friends who were also military dependent wives and I have heard all the stories. The amount of time you two have been able to spend together in your relationship almost does not constitute a marriage in my personal opinion. You are legally married but there is no way you can build on any kind of foundation with this type of existence. Unfortunately, there is a great deal of cheating that happens among military marriages who endure what you are dealing with. Why do want to continue this way? Sometimes couples do better when there is distance as the newness when they are together keeps the relationship alive but the relationship is not based on realistic terms, it is fantasy based. You seem disappointed in things he will not do but how can you control anything he does?

Quote from your initial post: "This guy is very smart, loyal, dedicated, talented, and intelligent but doesn’t seem to *concern himself with anything but himself*. When I do reach out or become infuriated with him he says, “I don’t know what you want me to say”, “ I don’t mean to do that”, “i think you need to take a nap”, “I think you are just tired”, “all these problems will go away when you are home because I can smack you ass and you will have your friends and things to do”. He says he is on the spectrum, has ADHD, etc. to me it is a bunch of excuses… I have said if these things are true to go to a doctor get diagnosed and get help and he says “nahhh”. " Some might dispute this but I think men tend to be more focused on themselves, their career, their interested. I experienced it in my marriage and I have seen it is a majority of my friends'' marriages. And like you mentioned her if I said anything then I was the one with the issue which was pointed out to me just like your husband has done. I am not saying this is right but I do believe that men and women have different ways of dealing with any given situation, we have different expectations in relationships and we each have our own priorities. I think women tend to feel like we are "nagging" when we are not heard and when something is pushed back onto you your husband is dismissing your needs and you are not heard. 

Unless the two of you can be stationed together and live in the same home I think you are facing the impossible, sorry to sound grim. I do feel you need to value yourself and really take a look at your situation and whether this is salvageable.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

ellecon0913 said:


> This guy is very smart, loyal, dedicated


I see he's dedicated to remaining unemployed...

I see he's dedicated to not communicating with you...

I see he's dedicated to not following through on his word... OK, he's a garden variety LIAR. He says he'll do ABC and then he doesn't. He's a liar.

He'll keep lying to you, as long as it continues to work for him.

OP, that he's this way is on him of course, not you.

You said he's intelligent, yet he flunked out of college. Look, I realize there are many intelligent people who don't go to college, that's not my point. But college isn't that difficult honestly. He most likely flunked out due to being dedicated to partying, having fun and not being dedicated to actually studying, reading and doing the necessary work to pass his classes.

If he was really intelligent, he would have realized that he had no business going to college when he knew he was not going to do the work required of him and saved himself the money those college classes cost him. But, he wasn't intelligent enough to know that. He thought he was so smart that he could pass those classes while not putting in any effort, guess he found out he's not as intelligent as he thought he was.

You need to set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries with him regarding things and that sucks for you, but he isn't acting like an adult and he's OK with that.

You alluded several times to him caring about things HE likes to do and wants to do and no one else. This simply mean he's not one to be in a committed relationship. His actins demonstrate this to you over and over.

You know who and what he is, you know the score. You can't fix him or make him change, only he can do that.

However, you can set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries with him, but you'll actually need to follow through on them as you already know he's going to keep on doing what he wants with little to no regard for what you want him to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ellecon0913 said:


> being in the military means navigating the distance.


Yes but my point was that it may have been better to have waited till after the 2 years before making the final decision as to whether to marry or not.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You two basically haven't seen each other in two years and most of your communications are you jumping his case about something.....Exactly what relationship do you think is in place?

He has probably moved on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ellecon0913 said:


> SO, my platonic friend of 7 years, boyfriend for 1.5, and husband for 1 is terrible at communicating and has progressively gotten worse.
> The back story: for the last two years I have been away on military orders. I have seen him 14 days in the last year and maybe 30 days combined in the past 2 years.
> Me: 31F, him 31M.
> We have had our fair share of ups and downs that come with being 6000 miles apart but that isn’t what is changing my love and dedication to him. Our consistent issues are lack of communication and following through with what he says he is going to do.
> ...


You’ve been out of his life for a couple of years, and now wondering if you should separate?
You kinda have been for 2 years. How many relationships work when you spend 15 days a year together. Nobody is perfect. He’s living his life. You’re not in it, and technically that’s not his fault.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

ellecon0913 said:


> his dad could be on his second retirement but instead still works.


WHY is his retired military father, who is still working when he can be retired, still ENBALING his over 30 year old son?

Why doesn't he kick him out, tell his lazy azz to get a job etc.?


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

ellecon0913 said:


> being in the military means navigating the distance.


My nephew just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years, because he enlisted into the army. It would not be fair to her, if he is gone and she has to wait. A month in a year is not a relationship. In fact, should of never gotten married, until your duty is over. He detached himself and just is afraid to tell you! Some will hold on just enough, as plan b.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ellecon0913 said:


> SO, my platonic friend of 7 years, boyfriend for 1.5, and husband for 1 is terrible at communicating and has progressively gotten worse.
> The back story: for the last two years I have been away on military orders. I have seen him 14 days in the last year and maybe 30 days combined in the past 2 years.
> Me: 31F, him 31M.
> We have had our fair share of ups and downs that come with being 6000 miles apart but that isn’t what is changing my love and dedication to him. Our consistent issues are lack of communication and following through with what he says he is going to do.
> ...


There is no relationship here. You need to face it and separate everything and get on with your life. He is not interested in sharing a life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I hate it when these threads just die without a conclusion. I wonder what happened when @ellecon0913 got home.


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