# Disabled Husband Question



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My husband is disabled and unable to drive a vehicle. I knew this when I married him but he had a job close to where he lived and we bought a house also close by his job. Now he wants to leave his job, justifiably. His employer has treated him terribly and I totally support his desire to find new employment.

However, when we married (3 years ago), he also knew that I had been working for the same company since graduating college which happens to be located 45 minutes away, without traffic, from our new house. This company treats me very well, pays me well and even agreed to let me work from home 3-4 days per week so that I wouldn't have to commute and I can be at home to help my husband with his needs. He used to live basically independently but now that we are married and he has become accustomed to my help, he can no longer use the toilet or transfer to bed without my assistance.

Now my husband wants to look for new employment and most of the jobs in his field are in a suburb about 25-45 minutes (depending on traffic) South of our home and in the opposite direction of my job. He basically wants me to just drop everything and drive him to and from this new location. He seems to very much resent the fact that no matter what I do, I really need to be in my office 1-2 days per week for meetings and such. I'm the CFO of a $50 million per year company. I have meetings. Anyone who is an upper level manager or executive knows that meetings comprise a big part of your job. Sometimes I'm able to schedule these meetings closer to home and/or around my husband's schedule. However, sometimes there are multiple people involved, multiple time zones, people traveling from all over to attend these meetings and it's just not possible to schedule everything near home and/or around my husband's schedule. Plus I don't always know his schedule. I can't know that in two weeks on a Wednesday afternoon, my husband's back will hurt or he will need to take a sh*t and I need to be home to help him. I didn't schedule that meeting to spite him but he acts like it. Maybe I didn't schedule the meeting at all, but rather I was invited by 4 other people that found that one convenient time and I'm rather obligated to attend. How can I be a CFO with the commensurate salary that he enjoys and not attend any meetings or have any obligations outside of my home office?

I guess my question is...am I wrong here? He knows I have a full-time job and he wants my salary to continue. But he acts like anytime my work schedule interferes with his needs, I'm choosing work over him and how dare I do that? How could I possibly attend a meeting when his back hurts (which it does nearly constantly)? How can I not just tell my work that I can never come to the office, so that I can instead commute 2-3 hours every day to drive him to his office? How am I supposed to drive him that far every day and still maintain my job, ALL of the home responsibilities (which are all mine due to his disability) and pick up my kids on time, take them to sports practices, make dinner, etc???? I can't keep it all up. I can't keep maintaining a full-time job as a CFO, maintain two active kids, a disabled husband who cannot drive or help with any house chores and maintain a household. I can't be everywhere at once. 

He wants me to just tell my job that I'm working from home 100% of the time and that's it. My availability to my job is completely dependent on his schedule. Is that realistic? Am I missing some solution here? This is tearing us apart. This is really the only thing we consistently fight about and I hate it. Please help.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Use that commensurate salary to hire someone to help him and do the household chores when you have to be at the office. If he complains too bad. You can't afford to lose your job so ignore his tantrums and just go to work when you need to. Sometimes you probably feel like you have another child rather than a spouse I bet.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Have him hire a driver, or use one of those shuttle services specifically for disabled people to drive him to and from his place of employment. Your county may have resources that you are unaware of. No way can you do all that driving AND still be a breadwinner for your family. Also, hire a part-time caregiver to help him with his needs when he is at home.

It is money well spent if it relieves some of your burden and stress.

I realize disability is very difficult, but your husband sounds very selfish and whiney. The more you do for him, the less he does for himself. He needs to accept his situation and deal with it like a man, not a child.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. That's pretty much our only option. Either I quit my job or we just hire someone to help him and drive him around. It will be expensive but less expensive than me quitting my job. I was really angry and hurt when I wrote that last night. He's a wonderful person and I love him. I want to help him as much as I can. But we just keep coming back to this one issue. He seems to feel like these options are unnecessary. If only I would work 100% at home, all of our problems would be solved. From my point of view, as long as I have a full-time job, I'm going to have certain time commitments. Unless I become a writer or something, I'm always going to have to be certain places at certain times and that's just how it works. My company has already given me incredible flexibility but it never seems enough. Normally he's a very intelligent, rational person. But in this instance, he seems incapable of understanding that I have responsibilities and I can't be at his beck and call 24 hours a day. I think he believes that I only go to the office because I'm being a "goody two shoes" and I worry too much about my co-workers opinion of my working from home. He cannot seem to believe that I have actual reasons to be in the office (again, meetings!). Anyway, I guess we will have to talk it through but it's difficult because this is such a sensitive topic for both of us.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your are fortunate that your company lets you work at home as much as they do, especially since you have such a high position. He should realize that.

Your husband should be less demanding and more grateful to have you as a wife. There probably aren't a lot of women (especially in your position at their job) that would sign on to be a driver and caregiver for their husband. It's not like you have been married to him for many years, had children and then he became disabled. You have only been married to him for 3 years.

It's not good for your children to live in a house with arguments between you two. I assume these are not his children? If he continues to have tantrums and starting arguments about his subject I would have to think twice about being in this marriage. Unlike a lot of women you have that option as you could support you and your children is you choose to end this marriage.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

A wife is that, a wife. A caretaker is something altogether different. You are not just his wife but his caretaker too. I would need to have a discussion about the separation of those duties. How did his total care get put on you, his wife? If he could do those things before without you why cannot he do them now? Now don't get me wrong a wife can be a caretaker in these things for a "period" of time with an end time. But the constant care would be something I couldn't do and keep wifely feelings alive. Especially if he expected me to "help" with things he can do himself. 

If you have the money hire a caretaker/driver type person. I would also go back to my office more full time. Somehow this has turned into a strange relationship where it is now your responsibility to take care of your husband when it sounds like he could do for himself before you got married.

Do you still love him as a wife or has this situation changed your feelings into more a "motherly" caretaker? 

It sounds like he wants to do something (find a different job) and it has become your responsibility to make it happen perhaps at the determent of your own job. That really doesn't help either one of you. 

Just out of curiosity do you come home from work in the middle of the day so he can take a ****? I'm sorry that is just unworkable especially if he was capable of doing for himself a couple years ago. Unless his health has changed that is just ridiculous.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

@happilymarried - We don't argue in front of the kids. In fact, we don't "argue" much at all. He just gets very cold and basically doesn't talk much when he is angry. Sometimes I can't tell if he's even angry at me or himself for being in this situation or just life itself. He just shuts down but makes a good effort to treat the kids normally.

@Sure - I do worry about feeling more like a motherly caretaker towards my husband than a wife. At the very least, I'm starting to resent that he makes me feel so guilty over something as simple as showing up to work. I'm a 35 year old professional, I shouldn't have to justify to him why I feel like I need to show up to a meeting. And I do think sometimes "What would you do if we weren't married? Somehow you would figure it out." I don't mind helping him with most things. It's much easier for me and of course I want to help someone that I love to make his life easier. But at the same time, everything shouldn't be 100% my responsibility. I think he knows this but he gets angry and looks for the easiest solution, which is for me to be at home.

I told him earlier this year during tax/audit season that I had to be in the office at least 3-4 days one week while I was working with our CPAs to get all of the financial/tax stuff done. I warned him weeks ahead of time. He was still pissy about me having to actually go to the office so much in one week. I got really angry, we had a big fight (not in front of the kids) and eventually he admitted that he should have hired someone or figured something else out since he knew I wouldn't be there that week. It's been pretty quiet since then but now his wanting to look for a new job is bringing it all up again. The new jobs aren't likely to be 10 blocks from our house so it will require driving or public transportation of some sort. He just wants me to drive and brushes off the huge impact this will have on me and the obvious conflicts that are bound to arise when we both need to be in vastly separate places at the same time.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

justonelife said:


> My husband is disabled and unable to drive a vehicle. I knew this when I married him but he had a job close to where he lived and we bought a house also close by his job. Now he wants to leave his job, justifiably. His employer has treated him terribly and I totally support his desire to find new employment.
> 
> However, when we married (3 years ago), he also knew that I had been working for the same company since graduating college which happens to be located 45 minutes away, without traffic, from our new house. This company treats me very well, pays me well and even agreed to let me work from home 3-4 days per week so that I wouldn't have to commute and I can be at home to help my husband with his needs. He used to live basically independently but now that we are married and he has become accustomed to my help, he can no longer use the toilet or transfer to bed without my assistance.
> 
> ...




He is spoiled and selfish. I have a brother in law who lost both legs in an auto accident. He does not have to have his wife to help him with every move and she does not have to babysit him. Is this guy a quadraplegic?

If he is not there is no reason he cannot do ANY housework and help himself in the bathroom.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It sounds like he's mad either at you, your job, you success, or his disability. Get someone to help and maybe buy him a car he can drive (his being able to do for himself may build his ego enough to let you do ur job.) And think about a therapist. The only other way is to get him a job where u work then he would continue to treat u the way he does but in front of your workers. Good Luck


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

justonelife said:


> My company has already given me incredible flexibility but it never seems enough. Normally he's a very intelligent, rational person. But in this instance, he seems incapable of understanding that I have responsibilities and I can't be at his beck and call 24 hours a day. I think he believes that I only go to the office because I'm being a "goody two shoes" and I worry too much about my co-workers opinion of my working from home.


 Let me get this straight. He is the one that cannot drive, yet he wants you to work from home 100% of the time so that you can drive him to work everyday? This marriage will not end well.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm a little surprised by some of the responses, I thought this was a pro-marriage site? My goal is not to just divorce my husband. My goal is to improve our communication and marriage. Maybe I'm just being naive but I'm nowhere near ready to throw in the towel yet. For one thing, I can't put my kids through another divorce and they are very attached to my husband. He's a very good stepdad.

I guess I just wanted confirmation that I'm not totally crazy and I got that. I've been doing a lot of thinking priorities and responsibilities and I've been reminded that my husband's needs are not my responsibility (as long as he is mentally capable, which he is). I'm willing to help him whenever I can but he needs to come up with some alternative options as well. Not only is this necessary for day to day stuff, but there will come some time in our life that I simply cannot help him. What if I was injured? What if my kids or my parents need to be hospitalized overnight and I want to stay with them? What if I got called for jury duty all day for weeks? What would he do? He needs a backup plan.

I've been thinking about this analogy. Suppose your spouse was really distracted or stressed and forgot one day to put gas in their car and they ran out of gas and were stranded on the side of the road. You would most likely drop just about whatever you were doing and go help them out, right? What if it happened 3 or 4 times in a row? Wouldn't you start to get frustrated that they cannot anticipate the need to put gas in their car? I bet you would be less likely to drop whatever you are doing and run to help. The situation is the same (spouse stranded on the side of the road) but suddenly it drops down your priority list because they should have anticipated this problem and avoided it.

In my husband's case, he always feels like his needs are an emergency and everything else on my priority list should fall below his needs. While this can be true sometimes, he should also anticipate a lot of these situations and figure out a plan if I cannot be available. Needing to rest or go to the bathroom are daily necessities, not emergencies. And on the flip side, he has to realize that my job is a priority and there will be times that I simply cannot be at home for one reason or another.

Another example - If a wife wanted her husband to stop studying for his bar exam two days before the test to help her pick out paint samples and he says no, who's being selfish? The exam is relatively necessary and urgent, while picking out paint samples is neither necessary nor urgent, so I think the bar exam should come first.

What if the wife needed a ride home from a medically necessary surgery but the husband had plans to watch a football game with his buddies instead? Again, the hospital ride home would seem to most people to be the top priority here and the husband would be very selfish to choose football instead.

In my case, my husband seems to put all of his needs into this necessary, urgent category even if they are things he has to deal with every day. Since he can't do them by himself, he thinks they should be a top priority by default for me and sees me as being selfish if I don't help. And he puts everything related to my work in the lower priority category, no matter what I have going on. I think this is the major issue we need to deal with somehow. I'm not sure how to tackle it as he gets very defensive about this issue. We might need a counselor as kind of a mediator to talk this through.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

justonelife said:


> I'm a little surprised by some of the responses, I thought this was a pro-marriage site? My goal is not to just divorce my husband. My goal is to improve our communication and marriage. Maybe I'm just being naive but I'm nowhere near ready to throw in the towel yet. For one thing, I can't put my kids through another divorce and they are very attached to my husband. He's a very good stepdad.
> 
> I guess I just wanted confirmation that I'm not totally crazy and I got that. I've been doing a lot of thinking priorities and responsibilities and I've been reminded that my husband's needs are not my responsibility (as long as he is mentally capable, which he is). I'm willing to help him whenever I can but he needs to come up with some alternative options as well. Not only is this necessary for day to day stuff, but there will come some time in our life that I simply cannot help him. What if I was injured? What if my kids or my parents need to be hospitalized overnight and I want to stay with them? What if I got called for jury duty all day for weeks? What would he do? He needs a backup plan.
> 
> ...


Yes, something that happens every single day and sometimes twice a day is not an emergency or urgent enough for someone to take time off of work to "help" with. 

No, you are not selfish trying to make sure his needs are met while still setting boundaries that make sure your need to be at work is also met. It seems like his needs right now have a higher rating then your need to be present at work which also meets his needs to have shelter and food......

I wonder if your Dr. can recommend someone to help that has experience in disabilities. I mean help as in mediator or counselor. And maybe help as in driver/caretaker.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your husband has had a job and wants to find another, so I think he must understand the commitment required to showing up when you are supposed to for work. Maybe he just needs to stop seeing this as a voluntary thing and start seeing it as set in stone. To do that I think it would be easier on both of you if you made some set times that you will be in the office. Then people can schedule meetings based on the days everyone knows you will be there. E.g. every Tue and Wed you do a full/half day there. When you need to do more, so be it, but there should be minimum and set times imo, only missed if there is a genuine emergency.

With set workdays and times you could also hire a regular assistant for your husband for those days you go to work. Suddenly when you have a fairly uncompromising system in place he will balk, then he will adapt, then you'll both have some peace from these expectations of you always being at home.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If he was pretty independent before he met you.. then he has become lethargic/unconcerned about caring for himself.
Don't be an enabler. Go to work more often, and Give him taxi money. (or a handicap mobile service).
Just saying. (of course, talk to him about this option).

Also wondering... If he can no longer use the toilet without your assistance, Then what is he going to do while he's at this new job that's coming??? I don't get it. He either needs assistance, or he's playing it up for you.

Now,... looking from his perspective, it could be that he is becoming unhappy or disillussioned with being "at home dad", and he is looking for a job outside of the home, to better himself. Great. Should he be hindered in looking? No, however, if you need to , treat him like a teenager with a new job. Encourage him to look, but he is responsible for his own transportation to & from work.

I can almost see it now. Seems like he will be wanting to challenge this (probably subconciously).... The first time he calls you at work "Come get me , I'm stranded at work..." etc, Don't come running "now". (sounds like you've been running at his beck & call for a while.). He may need to get used to this concept to start to become more independent. Anyway, my advice will be to not "come now". Tell him you have another meeting, and you can get there in 2 hours... or you can send a family/friend to go pick him up.

He needs to know (maybe talk to him about it first), that he cannot manipulate your time at your job that way. That you are too much of a "key" member to brush off work. If he is serious about finding this job, then he needs to be serious about finding the means to get to & fro as well. He needs to be told during his "job hunting" time, how it will be, and that you cannot afford to lose your job. You will not jeaprodize your status at work/ your career, to go get him from work. Can he deal with it? If he throws a fit, or says "No, I need you for this:, then tell him maybe he needs to re-think his idea, and maybe he needs to find in-home job types of work.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

justonelife said:


> I'm a little surprised by some of the responses, I thought this was a pro-marriage site? My goal is not to just divorce my husband. My goal is to improve our communication and marriage. Maybe I'm just being naive but I'm nowhere near ready to throw in the towel yet. For one thing, I can't put my kids through another divorce and they are very attached to my husband. He's a very good stepdad.


 Although for the most part we are pro-marriage, we are not pro being walked on by a selfish spouse. You are being naive if you do not understand that often the best way to save a marriage is to be willing to end the marriage in order to establish reasonable marital boundaries that will allow the marriage to be able to prosper long term. These fair martial boundaries are easier to establish in the first few years of marriage then they are later in the marriage when the spouse has grown accustomed to unreasonable expectations as the norm. Marriage is all about both spouse as having the other spouse's best interest at heart. I see that from you in spades, but I do not see it from him at all.



justonelife said:


> In my case, my husband seems to put all of his needs into this necessary, urgent category even if they are things he has to deal with every day. Since he can't do them by himself, he thinks they should be a top priority by default for me and sees me as being selfish if I don't help. And he puts everything related to my work in the lower priority category, no matter what I have going on. I think this is the major issue we need to deal with somehow. I'm not sure how to tackle it as he gets very defensive about this issue.


 You just told us that he believes that your role in life going forward is to serve him, and that he feels entitled to all of his needs being superior to your needs. He is selfish and does not have your best interest at heart. Where am I wrong here?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think there's a lot more to this than just a selfish husband. He's probably incredibly frustrated at what he's not able to do, and has become depressed. He probably also feels like "less than" a man because of all that, plus not working on top of that. Does that give him the right to be so demanding and "selfish"? Of course not, but if we put ourselves in his shoes we might feel the same way. I know my husband takes great pride in being able to provide for our family. A lot of men do.

OP, I take my hat off to you - you are truly amazing and your husband is lucky to have you. I do not think you should be home 100% of the time, purely for your own sanity. Carers NEED a break from their caring role. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that you realise you were wrong to enable him in so many things...another poster raised a great point - what's he going to do at work if he needs to use the toilet? Call you? That's crazy. I would tell him that you are fully supportive of his search for a job, and you are willing to discuss and negotiate with him just how that support will look to you both - in terms of getting him to work etc, but that your driving him is off the table. It's just not possible.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

^^^^^
ditto ditto ditto.

Just because he's disabled does not translate into allowance to be selfish and demanding of your time. Sounds like you may have been allowing this for some time. A transition into not being available to him ("all" the time) would be better on a slow time frame, but might need to be expedited, due to a possible new job for him.

If he's responsible enough to be employed by someone, he should be responsible enough to understand your needs to stay employed at your job.

I know there's more to him than just this side. It is only that side that has come to light, because you needed to vent out/talk out your frustrations about it. Don't think we all can't empathize with his plight, however, like another poster said, we here don't like to see/hear that a spouse is walking all over a fellow poster.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You said he has gotten accustomed to your help and now "can't" go to the toilet or transfer without your help. Is he actually getting physically worse, or is he using these needs as a way to control you? I am a widow now; I adored my husband, but he was very prone to "need" my help a lot more than he actually did when he had a physical problem. I had to stop some of his "needs" cold in their/his tracks and point out that he was perfectly able to do more for himself. 

We were married for 30 years before he died, so I know what I am talking about. Honestly when he quits speaking to you, find something to do and ignore him. He'll come around. If he doesn't then you are going to end up in a world of hurt.

Set your boundaries; you have to be at work when you have to be, he can get to the toilet. If you don't strengthen your spine right now, you'll be sorry.


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