# Thoughts on staying with parent.



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Thoughts please. 
Mother in law (late 70's) called W wanting her to come stay with her "for a few days" because she needs to be taken to doctor appointments for tests and medicines picked up, and wait for results to come in. 

My W has 4 sisters who live in same town, MIL also has several grand kids and great grandkids who all live within.30 miles.

We live 2hrs away. The reason for her mother asking her is because my wife works part-time from home, and general statement was, "not like you (my wife)have lots of other things to do." 
The reason for asking my wife was others have jobs, school. One sister does have a husband with Alzheimer's to take care of and can't help much.

We did go see her this weekend. My wife explained to her there is no internet. Phone data came up. Roaming area for us so not happening. 

My concern if my wife were to she will be expected to keep it up. I know they say they won't expect it, but if test results come back treatments of some kind are needed....... My wife already being there I figure there is going to be pressure for her to stay so they won't have to interrupt their lives. It happened with her dad 10yrs ago. When her dad was sick they all agreed to help but... when they said my wife should just live their, take care of her dad and I should be content driving to see my wife on occasional weekends I said enough. Caused a big blow up. I dont like drama. 
Honestly wouldn't mind her doing it for a week, but concerned about a repeat.

The fact it was stated "not like you have much better to do" annoys me.
I just feel we are trying to be taken advantage of, and being disrespected. 
Men and women of TAM what are your thoughts.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I was in the same boat. I was always called to assist my folks for emergency trips to the hospital. The problem, my sister and brother both are 30 minutes from our moms. My mom would say that my brother is running a business and should not be asked. Sheesh, I not only had a full time job but also 1 hour from my mom's home on a good day without traffic! It was annoying that my brothers business was somehow more important than my job. My brother can come and go as he pleases. I have to take a personal days that I only get so many per years. 

Call the other family members and create a schedule. You and your W can not be expected to handle it all. Further, as parents age, it does not get any easier.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So including your wife there are five daughters in the equation.Tell your mother in law that if she needs help then you will draw up a rota so every week for one day only one of her daughters will bring her to appointments,run errands etc.This way your wife will only be responsible for one day every five weeks.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> So including your wife there are five daughters in the equation.Tell your mother in law that if she needs help then you will draw up a rota so every week for one day only one of her daughters will bring her to appointments,run errands etc.This way your wife will only be responsible for one day every five weeks.


We tried that with her dad. Once my wife got up there fir her few days everyone suddenly disappeared. It turned into several weeks. I think she got maybe 3 breaks for a few hours in that time. She was so exhausted from stress, expecting him to stop breathing at night she couldn't rest. 
While she was in that state of mind the pressure came from all siblings and grandkids for her to become his caregiver so she could get paid and wouldn't have to come back home for work.
That's when I told her she had to get away from there.

She was being pulled so many different directions.
They didn't care for me much before, but after that. Oh my.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You haven't said much about what your wife wants.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

red oak said:


> We tried that with her dad. Once my wife got up there fir her few days everyone suddenly disappeared. It turned into several weeks. I think she got maybe 3 breaks for a few hours in that time. She was so exhausted from stress, expecting him to stop breathing at night she couldn't rest.
> While she was in that state of mind the pressure came from all siblings and grandkids for her to become his caregiver so she could get paid and wouldn't have to come back home for work.
> That's when I told her she had to get away from there.
> 
> ...


I agree with @Andy1001, and if it's like last time, that's when your wife packs her bag, calls the next sibling in line to assist, and tell that sibling that she's leaving for home at whatever time, and someone will need to be there to cover off. She can end the conversation by saying something like "drive safe and chat with you soon!" Then, she gets in her car and comes back home. It's not up to only one person to carry that entire burden. She has a life with you at home, a job, and not to mention the mental toll it takes on a person.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> You haven't said much about what your wife wants.


She would like to for a few days, but wont unless I'm ok with it. I'm still undecided. She believes they probably learned their lesson last time and it would be different. If so I would say go for it. But it's already pointing same as last time (from saying a few days, to looking at a week or longer. Not checking to see if any others can do it yet because its still a week away. Some dont have a set work schedule so could schedule so dont miss work.)

According to them I was a manipulative ******* who cared for no one, and only reason a psychologist and a separate marriage counselor we were seeing said my W needed to get out, was because they both knew me. 
When she got back here it was email attacks, phone calls, telling her how sorry she was for not taking care of her dad, choosing her husband over her family that needed her. An actual visit by a couple family members, crying and ball faced lying saying one of them had cancer, and probably wouldn't ever get to see her again just to get her to leave with them. 

That is reason for my reservations. Our marriage barely made it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> The fact it was stated "not like you have much better to do" annoys me.


Sounds like the way my mother treats me. 

I remember my grandfather loved calling people exactly at the moment he needed help. Of course, he only heard about that funeral at 8am Saturday for the first time.

Thankfully, answering machines existed at the time and most family members used them. I remember my sister making the offhand remark that granddad had learned when he asks for things nicely, he got a little bit extra.

I would let all calls from your wife's family go to voicemail so that they can explain what they want and then you and your wife can decide in advance how much you want to give. And also to craft a reason why you can't do any more than that at this moment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

red oak said:


> She would like to for a few days, but wont unless I'm ok with it. I'm still undecided. She believes they probably learned their lesson last time and it would be different. If so I would say go for it. But it's already pointing same as last time (from saying a few days, to looking at a week or longer. Not checking to see if any others can do it yet because its still a week away. Some dont have a set work schedule so could schedule so dont miss work.)
> 
> According to them I was a manipulative ******* who cared for no one, and only reason a psychologist and a separate marriage counselor we were seeing said my W needed to get out, was because they both knew me.
> When she got back here it was email attacks, phone calls, telling her how sorry she was for not taking care of her dad, choosing her husband over her family that needed her. An actual visit by a couple family members, crying and ball faced lying saying one of them had cancer, and probably wouldn't ever get to see her again just to get her to leave with them.
> ...


So, the family you and your wife created together is somehow of less value than their family? 

There's no, there's hell no and there's **** no!

they need to club together to hire some help.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> So, the family you and your wife created together is somehow of less value than their family?
> 
> There's no, there's hell no and there's **** no!
> 
> they need to club together to hire some help.


The way I look at it. 

It's second marriage for both of us. Sadly we have no kids together.

That's funny about the money. Been through that in another area for her mother. We and one other put up quite a bit for some repairs. Not even my mother but I still helped because it meant something to.my wife.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

This.....
_"not like you (my wife)have lots of other things to do." _

and this.....

_"they said my wife should just live their, take care of her dad and I should be content driving to see my wife on occasional weekends"_

.....would be enough to make me not want to do it.

But it's mom, and she can't very well refuse to help take care of her mother. Although, I surely would tell my mother I don't appreciate her lack of respect and thinking so little of me, my life, and my time.

Your wife can't schedule other people's time. That would be the same kind of disrespect they are showing her. What she should do is schedule her own time, email or text to everyone the schedule she gives herself, and tell them to take care of it from there to schedule their own time and then let mom know their schedules. Then, I wouldn't even bother to call anyone to remind them. I would leave on my scheduled day.

At the same, it's easy for me, you, and others here to feel the way we feel and to make suggestions. But I do feel you are wrong to apply the same kind of pressure on your wife that her family members are doing. I certainly do understand you having your objections, and I agree that you and she are being disrespected, but it's her mother. She likely feels obligated since no one else will. With them in her ears and you on her back, she will be confused and torn because both sides are applying pressure. If she's forced into the situation of having to do more and stay longer, then you should be supportive. Taking their disregard out on your wife isn't helpful. Neither of you can make them do anything, but you can relieve her of feeling more obligated to her husband than her mother if push comes to shove that she has to do it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't understand why you are setting boundaries for your wife. If she wants to go for a few days, can she not clearly communicate that and take appropriate action? Why do you have to step in and lay down the law?

Seems like you have become the scapegoat with her family for helping her voice her needs. She needs to assert her own wishes with them. If she is too weak to do so, it is very possible that she is letting them think it all comes from you, which explains why they see you the way they do. "I really want to be there, but you know how Red Oak gets about me being away..."

It's also possible that she agrees with you to your face because she wants to be the caretaker but can't be honest for fear of disappointing/upsetting/angering you. Just a thought.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Helping is both voluntary and an obligation.

I suggest you call a family conference call and volunteer for paying for one week of Uber trips. After that ask one of the other family members to either take mom to appointments or pay her Uber bills. If you get no volunteers, ask if it is time to move her to a retirement community (not a nursing home).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> I don't understand why you are setting boundaries for your wife. If she wants to go for a few days, can she not clearly communicate that and take appropriate action? Why do you have to step in and lay down the law?
> 
> Seems like you have become the scapegoat with her family for helping her voice her needs. She needs to assert her own wishes with them. If she is too weak to do so, it is very possible that she is letting them think it all comes from you, which explains why they see you the way they do. "I really want to be there, but you know how Red Oak gets about me being away..."
> 
> It's also possible that she agrees with you to your face because she wants to be the caretaker but can't be honest for fear of disappointing/upsetting/angering you. Just a thought.


Her family previously damaged the marriage with similar nonsense, so he has seen it all before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

red oak said:


> She would like to for a few days, but wont unless I'm ok with it. I'm still undecided. She believes they probably learned their lesson last time and it would be different. If so I would say go for it. But it's already pointing same as last time (from saying a few days, to looking at a week or longer. Not checking to see if any others can do it yet because its still a week away. Some dont have a set work schedule so could schedule so dont miss work.)
> 
> According to them I was a manipulative ******* who cared for no one, and only reason a psychologist and a separate marriage counselor we were seeing said my W needed to get out, was because they both knew me.
> When she got back here it was email attacks, phone calls, telling her how sorry she was for not taking care of her dad, choosing her husband over her family that needed her. An actual visit by a couple family members, crying and ball faced lying saying one of them had cancer, and probably wouldn't ever get to see her again just to get her to leave with them.
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is very likely to be just like last time. They feel your wife's time is not as valuable as theirs. Her mom will need more and more help as time goes on and as far as everyone else is concerned your wife is the designated carer and this has nothing to do with them. 

You think your marriage barely survived last time? Round two on the way. Don't want that? Figure out now what you can and can't live with going forward because they're not going to make this easy.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> I don't understand why you are setting boundaries for your wife. If she wants to go for a few days, can she not clearly communicate that and take appropriate action? Why do you have to step in and lay down the law?
> 
> Seems like you have become the scapegoat with her family for helping her voice her needs. She needs to assert her own wishes with them. If she is too weak to do so, it is very possible that she is letting them think it all comes from you, which explains why they see you the way they do. "I really want to be there, but you know how Red Oak gets about me being away..."
> 
> It's also possible that she agrees with you to your face because she wants to be the caretaker but can't be honest for fear of disappointing/upsetting/angering you. Just a thought.


It's not so much laying down the law as who covers the expense.
Even back then I didn't lay down the law. Told her to look at what it was doing to her. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and they were using that.She saw it and came home. They refused to believe she came back on her own accord even when she wrote letters stating such they refused to accept it. That was when the one came down lying saying had cancer and would never get to see her again. 

Even the psychologist we were going to for counseling, who had been counseling for over 30yrs, had never seen anything like invalidation of my wifes own opinions and feelings nor anyone apply as much pressure as they put on her. 


By her choice she works part time from home and helps me on job when I have something she can do. She makes maybe $100 a week. We talked it over and agreed with my income she could work like she is.
I'm self-employed. Weather makes this a slow time of year for me.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I love my wife. I do understand., and believe kids should help parents. 
Our marriage is also important. I have forgiven they deliberately set out to attack our marriage and destroy it. Damned sure haven't forgotten. 

Only 3 out of 10 spoke up, quietly, in support of my wife and our marriage and how happy she was with me. One of those 3 came to me personally, and said the rest were doing wife wrong and needed to leave her alone.

One of those quandaries. Would it really be different? 
No one ever apologized or admitted wrong. 
The letters she wrote stating how she felt wronged were used as more fodder because she would never "say those things if I didn't put her up to it," completely invalidating anything she said she felt.

I was always reading and had given my wife 2 books I had just finished to keep her from being bored when she was sitting with her dad: never be lied to again, and another, recognizing and protecting yourself from manipulation. A comment made by a sister who saw and asked where she got them, "what kind of low life man gives someone books about recognizing how bad their family is treating them(paraphrase).
I thought really? Talk about an admission.

Let's just say there is/was a pack leader, not the mother, who can pull everyone's strings. The same one who came down lying, balling and squalling about having cancer and needing treatments and needed my wife there for her. If she left without my wife going with her might never get to see her again. 

Some of the tactics were setting up a bowling party and without telling my wife inviting an ex-boyfriend of my wife's hoping they would hookup (he didn't make it), later when my wife came back home, making sure I knew my wife had talked to him once hoping I would divorce her, but I already knew because my wife told me what they (her family) were doing. (I had personally heard the one who invited him talk bad about him. She didn't even like him)
That same ex had always been put down. When that took place most suddenly start telling her how good a guy he is and she should be with him because he lived local to her family, and my wife could be so much closer and able to help more. 

Our counselor was amazed at the ploy. I was standing in their way and they were using him as a carrot to gain their approval, and split us up. If they had accomplished it the counselor said they would work on eradicating him if he got in their way.

Such is a sampling of the **** we went through, and why I am loath for us to take the expense of her going to help out for a few days. Before all that **** we would go see them every other weekend or so. After that we didn't go back for several years. Last few years we have gone maybe 2-3 times a year. So it isn't like I set out to be an ass.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Helping is both voluntary and an obligation.
> 
> I suggest you call a family conference call and volunteer for paying for one week of Uber trips. After that ask one of the other family members to either take mom to appointments or pay her Uber bills. If you get no volunteers, ask if it is time to move her to a retirement community (not a nursing home).


I agree in in being an obligation and also voluntary. 

She tried that when her dad got bad several years back and everybody agreed to help, once she took a week off work to visit and take her turn it became, she should just quit her job and stay.
No uber or anything similar in that area.

They don't have a good track record. :|


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

With some of the additional responses from members, as well as your own, I need to reiterate that this is her MOTHER, and you are taking her family members' actions out on your wife. You're making it way too much about yourself being angry with them without considering that you cannot control them. And you're wrong to keep trying to control your wife through your anger.

You're making this all about you. It's not about her or her mother. It's about how you feel about her family, how stupid and lazy they are, and how they disrespected her and you. Understandably, you expect this will be a repeat. It more than likely will. But so what. If she wants to stay to help her mother out, you need to let her know with exuberance that she should stay as long as she feels is necessary.

That's what marriage is about. So, you and she have to learn how to keep the outside world out of your lives and marriage and do whatever it takes to facilitate that, from hanging up to not answering the door to blocking phone numbers to unfriending to closing social media accounts and emails - whatever it takes.

She needn't obligate herself any more than she feels comfortable doing, but she needs, more than anything, a supportive husband in order to make those decisions comfortably. It honestly doesn't make sense that you have a problem with her spending a week helping her mother. It makes no sense that you have a problem with that week extending to two weeks if it comes to that, or three, or whatever.

I left flying out of my house one day because I absolutely could not be late to where I was headed. Though I left out with plenty of time to spare, I ran into backed up traffic on the freeway. I was steaming and screaming and cursing and having conniptions. It was a Saturday, after all. What on EARTH was there doing a traffic jam on a SATURDAY? And then a warm but rather alarming feeling kind of cascaded through me along with the realization that there must be an accident up ahead. I calmed down and I found myself hoping no one was badly hurt and said a little prayer. Then I sat my stupid self right there in that parking lot on the freeway as if I had no worries in the universe.

I know that has nothing to do with your story. I wanted to tell it to show you how to remove your ego from this situation. Remove yourself and your anger and direct your thoughts to your wife who needs your support. You will live through a week or two of her being away. Shield yourselves from all those evil extrinsic forces so that she can do whatever little or lot she decides to do to help her mother out. She needs to be able to go with your support and come home whenever the time is right also with your support.

Remove your ego.

And yes, I know her mother is being disrespectful and thoughtless, but that doesn't preclude anyone from giving her some consideration because she IS your wife's MOTHER, so you might consider her just a little bit while you're at it. She needs to be taken back and forth to the doctors and other appointments, so she might be a little frightened of what all these tests and appointments may reveal. That is daunting for anyone. No one else will be by her side, so why should it be you preventing her daughter, your wife, from being there for her mom? Consider also that your wife might not have the chance to absorb what this means because she has pressure coming at her from all directions. But she's going to realize at some point that these appointments really may reveal something quite concerning. She doesn't need to be torn to pieces when that happens.

Regarding your wife, it had to be very stressful on her to watch her father die and not know when it would happen. And to have to be there alone with him was hard also, I'm sure. But people do it every day. Some are an only child of the dying and have to do it alone. Some are a childless spouse and have to do it alone. People are in hospital rooms and hospices doing it around the clock. People bring their elderly home to their house for care while waiting for them to die. And it wouldn't have mattered if anyone else helped out because it would have been the same difficult circumstances and routine. If she'd only had to be with him 3 or 4 days a week while others took on various shifts, those 3 or 4 days would have been just as difficult. We have to face life and mentally prepare for that part of life that is death.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

StarFires said:


> With some of the additional responses from members, as well as your own, I need to reiterate that this is her MOTHER, and you are taking her family members' actions out on your wife. You're making it way too much about yourself being angry with them without considering that you cannot control them. And you're wrong to keep trying to control your wife through your anger.
> 
> You're making this all about you. It's not about her or her mother. It's about how you feel about her family, how stupid and lazy they are, and how they disrespected her and you. Understandably, you expect this will be a repeat. It more than likely will. But so what. If she wants to stay to help her mother out, you need to let her know with exuberance that she should stay as long as she feels is necessary.
> 
> ...


Since you think this is about ego perhaps you should read my post from 6:09 pm, (2 previous to your last post. Seems I was editing when you were writing).
It's about what I as a man do by instinct: Protect what matters.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I had read your response but thank you for directing me to your edit. However, offering more reason to be angry with them changes nothing that I stated.

Don't take the word "ego" so one-dimensionally. It was meant to target that part of you that determines your anger and defenses which are preventing you from doing what you really should do. None of those people and none of what they did or said or could ever do is supposed to prevent you from being the husband that you should be - the one your wife needs you to be.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You're making this all about you. It's not about her or her mother. It's about how you feel about her family, how stupid and lazy they are, and how they disrespected her and you. Understandably, you expect this will be a repeat. It more than likely will. But so what. If she wants to stay to help her mother out, you need to let her know with exuberance that she should stay as long as she feels is necessary.
> 
> *She needn't obligate herself any more than she feels comfortable doing, but she needs, more than anything, a supportive husband in order to make those decisions comfortably. It honestly doesn't make sense that you have a problem with her spending a week helping her mother. It makes no sense that you have a problem with that week extending to two weeks if it comes to that, or three, or whatever.*
> 
> ...


So I'm supposed to be mr nice guy and pay for all this? Yet if the shoe were on the other foot they would be telling her to leave me if she was supporting me to stay with my mother? 
Did you miss where I said I understand and wouldn't mind her doing it for a week? Why should my wife be the designated pawn?

I think I did consider her mother, (even after all that **** which her mother was a part), when I volunteered for my wife to give her mother money when she needed it without being asked yet others couldn't afford it even though they could still afford to go on vacations and to concerts. Why did I? Because I felt it was the right thing to do. If this was about ego you think I would help her mother in any way?

Did you miss there are several other siblings living in the same town and many, many grand, and great grandkids as well? All capable of as well?

Yes it was stressful on her and almost caused her a nervous breakdown because they used the weakness caused by stress to hammer on her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I had read your response but thank you for directing me to your edit. However, offering more reason to be angry with them changes nothing that I stated.
> 
> Don't take the word "ego" so one-dimensionally. It was meant to target that part of you that determines your anger and defenses which are preventing you from doing what you really should do. None of those people and none of what they did or said or could ever do is supposed to prevent you from being the husband that you should be - the one your wife needs you to be.


Had you actually bothered to READ the posts in the thread you probably might not have made your unhelpful comment about his "ego."


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Had you actually bothered to READ the posts in the thread you probably might not have made your unhelpful comment about his "ego."


I READ his posts just fine and stand by my premise that his anger and their antics shouldn't prevent his wife from helping her mother, nor should he. I tried to explain what it means and wrote an example of what I meant by it. Your unhelpful response doesn't make anything wrong with what I said just because you and he didn't understand it. 

Maybe these can explain it differently:


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

red oak said:


> So I'm supposed to be mr nice guy and pay for all this? Yet if the shoe were on the other foot they would be telling her to leave me if she was supporting me to stay with my mother?
> Did you miss where I said I understand and wouldn't mind her doing it for a week? Why should my wife be the designated pawn?
> 
> I think I did consider her mother, (even after all that **** which her mother was a part), when I volunteered for my wife to give her mother money when she needed it without being asked yet others couldn't afford it even though they could still afford to go on vacations and to concerts. Why did I? Because I felt it was the right thing to do. If this was about ego you think I would help her mother in any way?
> ...


Now you're making it about her mother and money. Don't ask me about what you're supposed to pay for because I didn't say anything about that. I also didn't suggest that you've never been a nice guy. I suggested that you support your wife's decisions and just maybe have a little sympathy for her mother possibly being ill and needing her since no one else will do it.

I also didn't say your wife should be the designated pawn. I submitted that she might well want to go and help her mother and might also want to stay longer if no one else steps up to the plate, which they probably won't, and you need to support that.

I keep making it about your wife, who this is actually about, and that you should be supporting her decision. You keep making it about your anger with those people.

Yes, I read that. And again, you cannot control other people. This isn't about them, but you keep making it about them.

If you would remove your ego, you could focus on your wife and what she needs and prefers to do right now.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Now you're making it about her mother and money. Don't ask me about what you're supposed to pay for because I didn't say anything about that. I also didn't suggest that you've never been a nice guy. I suggested that you support your wife's decisions and just maybe have a little sympathy for her mother possibly being ill and needing her since no one else will do it.
> 
> I also didn't say your wife should be the designated pawn. I submitted that she might well want to go and help her mother and might also want to stay longer if no one else steps up to the plate, which they probably won't, and you need to support that.
> 
> ...


So if I said they had been physically abusive every time she was up there, ganging up and physically beating her and I it would be about my ego if I was uncomfortable with her going to help instead of about the physical abuse??

Well known is the fact emotional and mental abuse is more damaging. 
Their gang invalidation of her thoughts when she did speak her mind; them telling her her feelings for me weren't real, it was wrong for her to want to live elsewhere and think of anything other than what kept them free from responsibility, and to many more to mention were abuse plain and simple!
Yet this is somehow about my ego instead of the massive mental and emotional abuse they perpetrated upon her and I should be okay with that?

Placing all the burden on one party is abuse as well. Invalidation of that persons life, Hope's and dreams. Selfishness of all other parties who wont also shoulder their responsibilities. 
I can't fathom that line of reasoning.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@red oak, If your wife needs to help out, make it just that: HELP out, but not take on the entire burden.
IF she goes, it should be with a preset time that she will be there, make it clear to her manipulative family that she will do HER part for that specific time, and then she is done and THEY can do their part. PERIOD.
For instance if you both agree that she will go for two weeks, then go ONLY for two weeks and STICK TO THAT no matter what her family says. Is your wife capable of that -- can she stand up to them and leave after that time?
After that time, it is her sibling/family responsibility to ALSO share the burden of care. IF they attack as they did last time, then just go no contact with them so your wife doesn't get hurt again. She can call her mother directly without any of them intervening.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

red oak said:


> She would like to for a few days, but wont unless I'm ok with it. I'm still undecided. She believes they probably learned their lesson last time and it would be different. If so I would say go for it. But it's already pointing same as last time (from saying a few days, to looking at a week or longer. Not checking to see if any others can do it yet because its still a week away. Some dont have a set work schedule so could schedule so dont miss work.)
> 
> According to them I was a manipulative ******* who cared for no one, and only reason a psychologist and a separate marriage counselor we were seeing said my W needed to get out, was because they both knew me.
> When she got back here it was email attacks, phone calls, telling her how sorry she was for not taking care of her dad, choosing her husband over her family that needed her. An actual visit by a couple family members, crying and ball faced lying saying one of them had cancer, and probably wouldn't ever get to see her again just to get her to leave with them.
> ...


I think you have your answer. They screwed you over last time, by abandoning your wife to do much of the work, and tried to tear you and your wife apart when you wouldn't tolerate them taking advantage of her any longer.

They can handle it themselves. They've already shown themselves to be shameless liars, so any deal they make will be worthless.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NOPE!

Between the comments about your wife's "time" and the sister trying to split you guys up, If it was me, I'd tell my wife 100% how I felt and tell her it is her decision to make.

p.s. Ego my ass. Talk about misreading a situation.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@StarFires
"I submitted that she might well want to go and help her mother and might also want to stay longer if no one else steps up to the plate, which they probably won't, and you need to support that.
You are just wrong here -- it's not about his wife WANTING to spend all the time and cost -- her family is manipulating her using emotional abuse and absolutely minimizing her time -- as it not being as important as THEIR time.
I think you need to go back and REALLY read what they were doing to her.
HE IS PROTECTING HER -- which is what a good husband does. He is NOT ego driven on this -- READ what her family is doing to her, and then tell me YOU would stand-by and let that happen to someone you love.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

red oak said:


> So if I said they had been physically abusive every time she was up there, ganging up and physically beating her and I it would be about my ego if I was uncomfortable with her going to help instead of about the physical abuse??
> 
> Well known is the fact emotional and mental abuse is more damaging.
> Their gang invalidation of her thoughts when she did speak her mind; them telling her her feelings for me weren't real, it was wrong for her to want to live elsewhere and think of anything other than what kept them free from responsibility, and to many more to mention were abuse plain and simple!
> ...


You're still making it all about them and keep controlling your wife based on them. But it's her decision, and you should be willing to support her decision. She is not your child and she's not their child. She should be able to take care of herself. If she can't, then this whole question and discussion are moot.



red oak said:


> She would like to for a few days, but wont unless I'm ok with it.


That is what you said your wife wants to do.

You should listen to the videos, but I'm going to paraphrase a section of the first one:

_"By not defending the image identity (the ego), it becomes diminished; you don't resist the diminishment, so it has become smaller. Therefore, something that is deeper than that can suddenly come through because the ego has shrunk in size. The ego doesn't like that, but it's a wonderful experiment when you allow the ego to shrink, you feel there is a power underneath that is far greater than the ego."_

Here is how that relates to your circumstances:

What is within you (the ego image/identity) that produces your anger (retaliation to what you feel was offensive) as a response to that which you determined caused your anger (the offense itself) will be removed. Once you remove/diminish that (your ego image/identity), then you can focus on what is important, which is your wife and what she prefers and decides to do regarding her mother. Because your ego is so large and dominating your thoughts and actions, you're not able to see what is more important than your anger that your ego is producing.

Dr. Willard Harley of MarriageBuilders.com and author of several books (such as His Needs, Her Needs), defines the Policy of Joint Agreement as (again I'm paraphrasing) you desiring your wife's happiness and her desiring your happiness. The only way to accomplish that is if you remove yourselves (your egos) from the equation because you, as an entity, would otherwise be inclined to focus on your own desires and wishes - your own happiness. So, this situation isn't about you and what you want to do or what you want your wife to do or what you think she should do for all the reasons that you think it. Your focus should only be wanting to make her happy because it's about her and it's her decision to make, and that translates to you supporting her decision in what to do right now.

That explains what I'm saying more in depth, and now I'm done with this thread. I made my point too many times for you to ignore yet keep engaging me on it. You disagree and I'm fine with that.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> @red oak, If your wife needs to help out, make it just that: HELP out, but not take on the entire burden.
> IF she goes, it should be with a preset time that she will be there, make it clear to her manipulative family that she will do HER part for that specific time, and then she is done and THEY can do their part. PERIOD.
> For instance if you both agree that she will go for two weeks, then go ONLY for two weeks and STICK TO THAT no matter what her family says. *Is your wife capable of that -- can she stand up to them and leave after that time?*
> After that time, it is her sibling/family responsibility to ALSO share the burden of care. IF they attack as they did last time, then just go no contact with them so your wife doesn't get hurt again. She can call her mother directly without any of them intervening.


Yes she has and can. She had to go no contact for several years with all but a few for it to stop last time.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You're still making it all about them and keep controlling your wife based on them. But it's her decision, and you should be willing to support her decision. *She is not your child *and she's not their child. She should be able to take care of herself. If she can't, then this whole question and discussion are moot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thats right she is my wife meaning I have a responsibility to look after her as she does me. If she saw me stepping into a bad situation and didn't tell me respectfully what she thought I would be upset. She feels same way if I saw her doing the same.

Do you really think my wife was happy when she had dark circles under her eyes and couldn't see or think straight from exhaustion while taking care of her dad? Do you think it made her happy that she had a job to do, watching her dad, and shouldn't be talking to me on the phone(not her dad's words, her sisters and others. Her dad and I got along, and he understood when she left. He was only one to tell her he was proud of her.)? She was all but begging them to give her a break. Do you think it made her happy that no matter what she did it wasn't enough? Where the hell does happiness come into watching some one die? :surprise:
The fact they used the mental and physical exhaustion to pounce and could possible do so again, and my not wanting to be part of setting it in motion is ego?

Not wanting to see her abused is ego? Her not wanting to be abused is ego?

I watched the videos trying to understand. This has nothing to do about being called names or insulted. This has to do with keeping a balance between living, and obligations. Keeping true to who you are, wife, mother and daughter not loosing all to only identify as daughter and caregiver, and pawn. 
And yes, someone who gives up all their time while others continue on with their lives as though oblivious is being a pawn, something disposable.

In a marriage it isn't her or my decision. It's our decision as it effects us both.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You are just wrong here -- it's not about his wife WANTING to spend all the time and cost -- her family is manipulating her using emotional abuse and absolutely minimizing her time -- as it not being as important as THEIR time.
> I think you need to go back and REALLY read what they were doing to her.
> HE IS PROTECTING HER -- which is what a good husband does. He is NOT ego driven on this -- READ what her family is doing to her, and then tell me YOU would stand-by and let that happen to someone you love.


Thank you.
I'm flabbergasted how this can appear to be ego based.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

red oak said:


> Thank you.
> I'm flabbergasted how this can appear to be ego based.


 @red oak you need to do what YOU think is right in this situation because your wife seems to be intimidated by her family,and if left to her own devices will allow herself to be bullied into becoming a full time carer for her mother.
This is the rare time in a marriage where a husband puts his foot down and decides what is going to happen.You might give some thought to blocking some of your wife’s siblings on her phone and you discuss things with them instead.
Whatever you do please do not get sucked into conversing/arguing with the poster Star Fires.I am intentionally not quoting her because I honestly believe she gets off on trying to stir things up, she tries to emasculate men and then gets insulting until she is banned. (Again)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

From what you have said, many of her family members are toxic. If anyone had done and said the things to me and my husband that they have I would cut off all contact. 

Making your wife ill, lying about having cancer, trying to set her up with another man in order to break you up for their own selfish reasons, that is completely unacceptable. NO ONE has to put up with that sort of treatment. 

As for her mum, well she is clearly part of it, and being that she has many many other family members locally to her, she can ask them.

In your place I suggest that your wife gets a full time or part time job outside the home for a time, so that she has a valid excuse and doesn't feel as bad not going, or that you move much further away,(many have done that with toxic families). 

If her mum just needs lifts to appointments, doesn't she have friends of neighbours if the family aren't willing? Or there are always buses or taxis.

I very much suspect that they are pressuring her mum to get your wife to go and stay so that they can abdicate their responsibilities and manipulate her to stay for ages. Your wife's health is paramount. Its good and right that you, as her husband are fighting to protect her from this pack of wolves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I READ his posts just fine and stand by my premise that his anger and their antics shouldn't prevent his wife from helping her mother, nor should he. I tried to explain what it means and wrote an example of what I meant by it. Your unhelpful response doesn't make anything wrong with what I said just because you and he didn't understand it.
> 
> Maybe these can explain it differently:
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K19_yVtmJK4
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ND0p1BqOV8


I am sorry but those videos are irrelevant to the issues raised by @red oak.

These videos are on topic to this thread for @red oak and his wife:-


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

red oak said:


> We tried that with her dad. Once my wife got up there fir her few days everyone suddenly disappeared. It turned into several weeks. I think she got maybe 3 breaks for a few hours in that time. She was so exhausted from stress, expecting him to stop breathing at night she couldn't rest.
> While she was in that state of mind the pressure came from all siblings and grandkids for her to become his caregiver so she could get paid and wouldn't have to come back home for work.
> That's when I told her she had to get away from there.
> 
> ...


I think your wife will be taken advantage of again. Make it clear that your wife is there for a few days only. She must have something urgent to return to. 
If the same thing is happening again, then call a family meeting and insist that all come. Draw up a rota where everyone must take turns.
I have been in this situation where we had to take care of my FIL after a serious accident. The in-laws stayed in our house for almost a year and the BIL didn't want to know. It can put tremendous stress on your marriage so you must be firm about this. Tell them that they took advantage the last time and it will NOT happen again. Sit down and have a chat with your wife before she goes.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> You're still making it all about them and keep controlling your wife based on them. But it's her decision, and you should be willing to support her decision. She is not your child and she's not their child. She should be able to take care of herself. If she can't, then this whole question and discussion are moot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 @StarFires, honestly are you reading the same post I've just read by the OP? 
He very clearly stated that this happened before and his wife was there for ages. No family should expect a spouse to spend months with them and to hell with the spouse etc, particularly when 4 siblings are residing in the same locale. It is just common sense and common decency. 

You seem to be over analyzing Red Oak's marriage when there is absolutely no need for it, going on about ego, her a grown woman (she might be but sounds like she has no back bone when it comes to being taken for granted by her family) and it's only but right that RO stands up for his own family and marriage and his wife under the circumstances.
What exception can you possibly take to that? I wish my H was more like RO when it comes to his family in the early days of our marriage with an interfering MIL. 
I usually enjoy your posts but tbh you are way off on this one. Reality is, there are some families that take advantage and are vultures, that is the real world, nothing to do with his or her ego, etc etc.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is the family's patsy. Time for her to give up that role. She can handle it by only communicating with her mother and telling her mom exactly what wife will be able to do and that's it. Mom can then call upon the other sibs to pitch in.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Is it possible for you to go with her for those “few days” since the weather makes this a slow time for work for you? Just thinking they may not want her to stay longer if you are there, since they seem to dislike you so much. And when it is time to leave and anyone says it is Red Oak’s fault, who cares? They already think what they think so you might as well own the role. If that is doable it might help your wife feel supported in helping mom and supported by you in limiting that help.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> Is it possible for you to go with her for those “few days” since the weather makes this a slow time for work for you? Just thinking they may not want her to stay longer if you are there, since they seem to dislike you so much. And when it is time to leave and anyone says it is Red Oak’s fault, who cares? They already think what they think so you might as well own the role. If that is doable it might help your wife feel supported in helping mom and supported by you in limiting that help.


No. I do have jobs lined up for that time. 

What's funny is when her dad was sick, before my W started sitting with him, she had been there to visit a few days and I came to take her home. As we were leaving her mother asked, "well, why do you have to go?" LOL I was thinking really? How can someone ask that? Why should anyone answer. That's why I was the ass and the one to blame.

My wife was one who pointed out to me when she was doing self work and healing from all the crap she went through. 
Her mother, youngest of her siblings, divorced W's dad when W was little and never remarried. 
All her mothers siblings married and stayed married. All their kids married. 

At the time her dad was sick my W was only married one of her siblings. A couple of her siblings have never married. One has gotten married since her dad passed. The rest (3) still aren't married. 
So there isn't too much a concept of spousal consideration without it being the man is the problem. :smile2:


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I posted here cause I know I can be a hard nosed sob, and thought I may need some other view points for moderation to mellow me out.

I am really surprised, except for one, the overwhelming consensus is in agreement with reservations I have about cracking that door. 

My wife is reading today and we will discuss this evening.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

red oak said:


> I posted here cause I know I can be a hard nosed sob, and thought I may need some other view points for moderation to mellow me out.
> 
> I am really surprised, except for one, the overwhelming consensus is in agreement with reservations I have about cracking that door.
> 
> My wife is reading today and we will discuss this evening.


This is because the agenda of *most* people on TAM is to provide help, guidance and assistance to other members who find themselves in a bit of a bind.

Sadly there are some who sometimes, not always, but _sometimes_, view situations through a distorting lens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A few thoughts. 

Yes, she's likely to be taken for granted. BUT this is her 70-something-year-old mother who likely won't be around much longer. 

The issue isn't about whether her sisters will continue to harass her. You know they will no matter WHAT she does. 

The issue is whether your wife can do something for her mom - for a PRESET period of time - and come back home, knowing that she was there to help her, when she doesn't know if she'll ever see her again. My mom is 10 years gone and I still cry every month or so for the times I WASN'T there for her. 

Don't make this about what her siblings do. Make this about supporting your wife's wish to help her mother.

Set a time limit and inform her mom. Set the dates for days that you can drop her off and you can pick her up. If you have to, rent a car for her that week, if her mom doesn't have one. That way, you are there to buffer her ignorant siblings and protect your wife, like she wants you to do. And when she gets back, take her phone and have all their phone numbers redirected to yours for a couple weeks so you can read them first and let her know if any of their contacts has anything to do with her mom's health; anything else, you delete. That is being a loving supportive husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

red oak said:


> So I'm supposed to be mr nice guy and pay for all this? Yet if the shoe were on the other foot they would be telling her to leave me if she was supporting me to stay with my mother?
> Did you miss where I said I understand and wouldn't mind her doing it for a week? Why should my wife be the designated pawn?
> 
> I think I did consider her mother, (*even after all that **** which her mother was a part*), when I volunteered for my wife to give her mother money when she needed it without being asked yet others couldn't afford it even though they could still afford to go on vacations and to concerts. Why did I? Because I felt it was the right thing to do. If this was about ego you think I would help her mother in any way?
> ...


This is perfect example of what went before affects what should happen later.

“What goes around comes around”, ach, so damn tritely uttered.

If her mother was, in the past, a gem, a good person to this daughter of hers, she gets the Sun and the Moon in return, in so kind spades.
If Momma was cool, maybe cold and distant, she gets that back as her last reward, her last supper.

Ugh!

Where did all the soft skinned Angels go? 

Gone, forlorn-ed, disrespected, their skin, now thickened and calloused over.

This is not the rightly so Christian answer, _"Honor thy Mother and Father", _this is the judging, righteous answer. 

This is my answer, I am flawed, am a sinner.





[The Helmsman]- ghost written, based on words from the SunCMars archives.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> This is because the agenda of *most* people on TAM is to provide help, guidance and assistance to other members who find themselves in a bit of a bind.
> 
> Sadly there are some who sometimes, not always, but _sometimes_, view situations through a distorting lens.


One poster sounded so much like those family member I had to engage to see if it was. 

My wife finished reading and agrees I haven't exaggerated, and I only shared the relevant to this situation, and the more believable portions. 
It's still hard for me to believe some of it because it was so far in left field, and we were there.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> This is perfect example of what went before affects what should happen later.
> 
> “What goes around comes around”, ach, so damn tritely uttered.
> 
> ...


My wife said all she heard growing up was, "never trust a man," never depend on a man," you dont need a man," when she had problems in her first marriage solution always was, "divorce him. Why do you need a man." 

Early part of our marriage, "why do you want a man? What about your family?" My W finally told her mother everything in a letter. Her mother's response was, "sorry you feel that way," instead of I never meant to hurt you. Of course the letter caused attacks from all members of the family saying how abusive it was to tell her mother how she felt, and how hurtful. (It wasn't a nasty bitter letter.)

Her mother told me she never expected us to last which explains why we were left alone until we actually married. 
I think her being the only one married in the family caused lots of jealousy and a small portion of the abuse was a result of the jealousy. 

I still remember how she couldn't take her eyes off the ring on her finger for days. When she was driving I had to keep reminding her to watch the road because she would be looking the ring grinning ear to ear. :smile2:

Looking back she knew subconsciously it would cause issues with her family when they found out. (Not with her dad. He actually welcomed me) I still remember how she physically tensed up when the others found out, and she was loath to tell them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

red oak said:


> My wife said all she heard growing up was, "never trust a man," never depend on a man," you dont need a man," when she had problems in her first marriage solution always was, "divorce him. Why do you need a man."
> 
> Early part of our marriage, "why do you want a man? What about your family?" My W finally told her mother everything in a letter. Her mother's response was, "sorry you feel that way," instead of I never meant to hurt you. Of course the letter caused attacks from all members of the family saying how abusive it was to tell her mother how she felt, and how hurtful. (It wasn't a nasty bitter letter.)
> 
> ...


Sometimes family members, especially parents, dont want to let their children go. They want them around for themselves and for their needs. 
My MIL was like that, tried to break up all of her sons marriages. She wanted her sons for herself. Fortunately for us she lived on the other side of the world but she still managed to cause such a lot of hurt when we went to see her.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@red oak, I've been bullied by my immediate family (different circumstances than your wife though), and I can say with 100% certainty that during those times, it sure would've been nice to have a spouse to stand up for me. I'm sure that your wife is capable of standing her ground, but I'm sure she appreciates having you in her court.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

We decided she was going to go for 3 days. It went surprisingly well I am told.

No pressure from them. I have wonder if it was love bombing. Almost all the family came to visit while she was there, including ones who have been so hateful after our marriage began in the past. (Side note. They never gave her problems about our relationship until after she married me.)

Tests came back her mother has an aggressive form of uterine cancer and scheduled to have surgery in a few days. 
Seems all the family is going, or wanting to go, to hospital when she has surgery. 

For us that means 9hr round trip. 
I hate to let her go alone because she is so emotional, but I also have client obligations. 

Conundrums!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Reschedule the clients? I'm sure they'd understand. You'll likely never see your MIL again. And I wouldn't want her traveling home alone after that.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

turnera said:


> Reschedule the clients? I'm sure they'd understand. You'll likely never see your MIL again. And I wouldn't want her traveling home alone after that.


Thanks.
I think I can finish one I have started. May have to do couple late nighters. Not so easy to reschedule though in most cases without client loosing money. 

Doctors don't make sense. 
Fairly certain it's cancer. Instead of doing hysterectomy let's do biopsy first so it can spread if it is.

Most I know who were being treated for cancer got another type cancer from the treatment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Really? I've never heard that. I know about metastasis, but not getting 'another' type of cancer. And I work at a cancer hospital.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

red oak said:


> Thanks.
> I think I can finish one I have started. May have to do couple late nighters. Not so easy to reschedule though in most cases without client loosing money.
> 
> Doctors don't make sense.
> ...


Its pretty normal to do a biopsy if there are growths in the uterus. It shouldn't spread anything as it done through the vagina. I had one myself many years ago. Its done to avoid big operations that aren't needed. If the cancer hasn't spread outside the uterus she will be fine in a few weeks. If it has then that is a different story. 

It may be best for some of the family to go when she needs help in the home during the recovery time rather than they all got for the op(when she will be in hospital) and none be there in the time after wards.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

turnera said:


> Really? I've never heard that. I know about metastasis, but not getting 'another' type of cancer. And I work at a cancer hospital.





> How does radiation affect the risk of solid tumors?
> In contrast, other cancers, which are mostly solid tumors, have been shown to take much longer to develop. Most of these cancers are not seen for at least 10 years after radiation therapy, and some are diagnosed even more than 15 years later. The effect of radiation on the risk of developing a solid tumor cancer depends on such factors as:
> 
> The dose of radiation
> ...


Hell. Last doctor my wife saw was working his last day. Going into retirement. Told her he wouldn't give her a ct scan cause she had one a few weeks earlier. Also a couple year before that. Ct scans and mammograms have a cumulative effect and too many cause cancer he said. Told us both to avoid them if we had choice. 

One of my wife's relatives got bone cancer from breast cancer treatments. 
Wifes dad got treated for one type. Within a few years got another type and a few years later yet a different type which was from treatments. Said they couldn't treat him because of other treatments he'd had and sent him home to die.

2 of my neighbors did also. Both were overdosed on radiation though. 
One's back turned black as coal, from just under shoulder blades to middle of his buttocks, and peeled off thick layers of skin. They told him he was in prostate cancer remission but on his 2nd or third Follow up he had bone cancer. Killed him within 3months. Said bone cancer was from radiation treatments. 

One oncologist blew his stack when he found out how much my best friends wife got. She was given more than ten times what she should have gotten. She made it about 15yrs but doctor said the cancer she had was very rare and from extreme doses of radiation. Only second case he had ever seen and there was really no treatment. 

Not all of those we know were overdosed on radiation either.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Glad to hear it worked out. I would have suggested that you push for another family member to go but it sounds like everything worked out well. Best wishes for your MIL.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

They pushed first surgery back. Doctor called changed surgery appointment to a consultation appointment, because of a health issue they found which had to be addressed at another hospital. 

So the whole family scheduled off work for nothing. 

She finally had the surgery 3 weeks later(yesterday).

Surprisingly wife's son volunteered to take her to the hospital, but wife's mom called upset because none of the daughters volunteered and she didn't feel it was proper for him to help her and staying after the surgery if she needed help. (We don't know what she could be referring to because if she needs help in the hospital nurses and orderlies would handle that)

I told wife she could go as long as she said she was just a ride along as not to insult her son's generosity. 

We didn't think anyone else was going this time but several of the daughters and granddaughters showed up at the hospital. Except for my wife Everybody went home last night after the surgery because she was supposed to be released today. 

Due to her age she is having some issues and won't be released for at least another day.

I'm hoping same bs doesn't happen as with her dad. Since they didn't think ahead and have more than one person stay to relieve the other just in case.......

Wife sounds terrible. Hasn't had any good sleep in over 36hrs. Nurses coming in waking everybody up every hour and half. 
How in the hell is she supposed to safely drive at least 2.5hrs to get her mother home?

I understand but still pissed.

Eta: pissed nobody thought ahead to have a relief driver, or someone to give break from room so not so much on one person and they can be rested.
As a result of age and health prognosis isn't good either.
Surgery notice was less than a week and I was in middle of project I couldn't walk away from.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> This is because the agenda of *most* people on TAM is to provide help, guidance and assistance to other members who find themselves in a bit of a bind.
> 
> Sadly there are some who sometimes, not always, but _sometimes_, view situations through a *distorting lens.*


Isn’t that the absolute truth


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Given the unhealthy situation you’re wifes family represent I would say you’re wise to be cautious. I like the idea I’d your wife and family getting on terms as far as shared responsibility with helping. But it the others don’t do thier part just stay out of it all together


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your wife's family reminds me of my husband's aunts. We went up north to visit them when we first married. All 4 sisters lived near each other and they literally fought (yelling match) to see which of them we were going to spend the night with. Had nothing to do with us, all about who got the 'glory' of hosting us.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Wolf1974 said:


> Given the unhealthy situation you’re wifes family represent I would say you’re wise to be cautious. I like the idea I’d your wife and family getting on terms as far as shared responsibility with helping. But it the others don’t do thier part just stay out of it all together


I think my wife can handle it better this time. 
We both found it unappreciative she didn't want my wife son to take her. And they said he should ride back to her mother's home town to get sleep.:surprise:

Currently wife is 2.5hrs from her mother's home and nearest assistance. 5 hours from our home. Motel expenses are coming up just so she can get enough rest to drive safely. 

Staying out of it isn't something I could ethically do. That's emotionallly draining for her, safety risk, long trips, lost work, financially devastating.


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