# Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...



## AS75BKC

Hi everyone. New here and wanted to ask a question. Here’s the scenario. My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 8. One source of continual conflict is the fact that when he goes grocery shopping (once every two months on average) he will spend money towards the household but refuses to ever ask me what we need (what I am planning for meals or what is lacking for lunches - we have 3 kids). Today he spent $200 but I will need to go out tomorrow and buy other things because he refuses to ask me what we actually need, although many items will be useful. We sometimes waste food because he’s big on filling up our basement pantry, but don’t go through it all before it expires. He has issues in general “asking” anyone what he should do, as he’s a dominant personality who thinks he’s right in all his decisions. He called me ungrateful tonight that I would complain after he spent money on groceries; however I told him that I think a “team player” in a marriage would consult their partner at least with a quick “do you need anything, I’m going to the store” as a way to save that person time and make sure all items are bought for the household. I should also mention that I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen (which I despise, however I’ve been told he “doesn’t do” kitchens). I make all meals and all kids’ lunches. I tried to tell him tonight that I’m happy he spent money but I still have to go shopping tomorrow because x,y and z were missed (essentials for lunches/planned meals that he doesn’t realize) and that I think it would be far more efficient if he could communicate with me before shopping next time. He told me basically that he doesn’t answer to anyone and this is “how he rolls” which sadly I know but still wish was different. How can I convey my point? Am I going crazy that I think he’s being really selfish about this?


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## FeministInPink

Honestly, your H sounds like a real PITA (not to mention selfish) and your relationship doesn't sound balanced or equal.

He also doesn't sound like a dominant personality, he sounds like a bossy child. I'm wondering why you married him in the first place.

But that's not why you're here.

Why does he do the grocery shopping every two months? Because you ask him to do it to carry his fair share, or does he do it on his own because he wants to and thinks he is helping you out? I think he's purposely doing it this way so you won't ask him to do the shopping anymore; he's intentionally screwing it up. It's a passive aggressive move, and he's doing this to demonstrate that he is in control. Which is ridiculous, I agree. And furthermore, he's just being plain mean by calling you ungrateful.

When you go back to the store the next day, return all the basement pantry items he bought, so at least it's not wasting money. The grocery store won't take back perishables, but they will usually take back other stuff.

Beyond that, I don't know what you can do. You can't change him. This is the man you married.


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## Adelais

I agree that to be a team player he would need ask if you need anything. In our home, we have always have a running grocery list on the refrigerator. I tend to forget things, so it helps me stay organized. It has several different categores, not just grocery store items, like "Clothing store: undies for Joey" and "Office Store: printer ink, sticky notes, pens" "Lowes: paint brushes, smoke detector," etc.

Our children even write what they need on the list (we don't always buy what they want, but they are free to write it down.) The list helps us not forget things, and also helps us not go off budget. If it is not on the list, then no one can be upset if it isn't purchased when one of us goes shopping.

Sometimes, even though my husband has the list in hand, he might phone me to ask if I need anything else. Usually if my husband buys a food item that is not on the list, it is because he plans to cook it for us, or because he knows it is something we keep on hand and it is on sale.

Do you already do a list? 

I didn't realize until after I posted this that you wrote that you do all the cooking. That being the case, you definitely need to have a list, and tell him to not buy anything that is not already on the list, unless he calls you to ask if you need it.

Tell him that you are concerned about the $ wasted when items go bad in the basement pantry, and that you want to stick to the list in the future to avoid that.


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## Adelais

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



AS75BKC said:


> He told me basically that he doesn’t answer to anyone and this is “how he rolls” which sadly I know but still wish was different. How can I convey my point? Am I going crazy that I think he’s being really selfish about this?


He has a lousy attitude. Maybe you and the children should start eating before he gets home, and when he gets home and finds no dinner waiting for him, tell him,

This is how I roll when you act like an independent jerk.


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## FeministInPink

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



Araucaria said:


> He has a lousy attitude. Maybe you and the children should start eating before he gets home, and when he gets home and finds no dinner waiting for him, tell him,
> 
> This is how I roll when you act like an independent jerk.


Give him an expired basement pantry item and tell him to eat that.

No, don't do that. That's totally passive aggressive. But it would be funny.


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## EleGirl

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



AS75BKC said:


> I should also mention that I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen (which I despise, however I’ve been told he “doesn’t do” kitchens). I make all meals and all kids’ lunches.


My husband tried something like this shortly after we married. He told me that he does not do bathrooms. I let him know that I don't do them either and hired someone to clean the bathrooms. Then he said that he did not want a stranger cleaning his house. I told him not to worry because before long she would not be a stranger. 

The point is that this statement of his is a passive aggressive way to push all the housework onto you. He's not a very nice person, is he?

Do you have a job outside the home, or is he the sole breadwinner?


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



FeministInPink said:


> Give him an expired basement pantry item and tell him to eat that.
> 
> No, don't do that. That's totally passive aggressive. But it would be funny.


I don't know... I think it's more "overt" aggressive than "passive" aggressive. ;-) And yeah, it would be funny.


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*

It sounds like your H has some emotional issues... (as in, he sounds like a belligerent child/jerk.) 

I would ask him why is he so adverse to extending any courtesy to you? If his response was "Oh, shoot, honey, it totally slipped my mind to call you. 
I'm sorry." that would make sense. But "That's just how I roll?" WTF? 
Honest to God, before I read this post of yours it never occurred to me that there was a person in the world who owned a cell phone who would not just instinctively call their spouse to see if the spouse needed anything while they were at the grocery store.

The only thing I can think of is to ask him some questions to try to get him to think a little more deeply about this. Maybe something like: 

"Are you seriously telling me that "how you role" is that you see being considerate enough to ask your wife, the woman you married, if she needs anything when you're at the store is somehow demeaning to and means you are not your own person? 

Have I done something I don't realize to anger you so much that you resent the idea of picking something up for me when you are at the grocery store already?" 

And if his answer is "I'm just a jerk, that's how I roll." Then I would start giving him a taste of his own medicine. And any time he notices and complains tell him point blank "Sorry. Now that I understand we are completely independent of each other, not players on the same team, I guess that's just how I roll."



AS75BKC said:


> Hi everyone. New here and wanted to ask a question. Here’s the scenario. My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 8. One source of continual conflict is the fact that when he goes grocery shopping (once every two months on average) he will spend money towards the household but refuses to ever ask me what we need (what I am planning for meals or what is lacking for lunches - we have 3 kids). Today he spent $200 but I will need to go out tomorrow and buy other things because he refuses to ask me what we actually need, although many items will be useful. We sometimes waste food because he’s big on filling up our basement pantry, but don’t go through it all before it expires. He has issues in general “asking” anyone what he should do, as he’s a dominant personality who thinks he’s right in all his decisions. He called me ungrateful tonight that I would complain after he spent money on groceries; however I told him that I think a “team player” in a marriage would consult their partner at least with a quick “do you need anything, I’m going to the store” as a way to save that person time and make sure all items are bought for the household. I should also mention that I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen (which I despise, however I’ve been told he “doesn’t do” kitchens). I make all meals and all kids’ lunches. I tried to tell him tonight that I’m happy he spent money but I still have to go shopping tomorrow because x,y and z were missed (essentials for lunches/planned meals that he doesn’t realize) and that I think it would be far more efficient if he could communicate with me before shopping next time. He told me basically that he doesn’t answer to anyone and this is “how he rolls” which sadly I know but still wish was different. How can I convey my point? Am I going crazy that I think he’s being really selfish about this?


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



AS75BKC said:


> I should also mention that I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen (which I despise, however I’ve been told he “doesn’t do” kitchens).


For some reason this part reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my 20's. I would rub his back and neck all the time. One day my neck was killing me and I asked him to rub it. He acted all put put upon by the idea. Then grabbed my neck/shoulder muscles and squeezed painfully hard, then said "I'm not good at neck rubs because I do it too hard." Then stopped.

I really like what Elle Girl did in your situation. I would say just stop cleaning it yourself but you would probably not be able to tolerate the mess as long as he would.


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## Diana7

Well he does sound very immature and selfish. Is he like this in other areas? Why did you marry a man with attitudes like this?


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## FeministInPink

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



WorkingWife said:


> For some reason this part reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my 20's. I would rub his back and neck all the time. One day my neck was killing me and I asked him to rub it. He acted all put put upon by the idea. Then grabbed my neck/shoulder muscles and squeezed painfully hard, then said "I'm not good at neck rubs because I do it too hard." Then stopped.
> 
> I really like what Elle Girl did in your situation. I would say just stop cleaning it yourself but you would probably not be able to tolerate the mess as long as he would.


Did you date my XH? Because that sounds just like my XH.


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## sunsetmist

I have refrigerator list and take pic with cell phone. Guess it would be insulting for you to text him your list if you thought he was shopping?

Six shopping ventures a year aren't the point. His attitude is. Does he do this in other areas? A true Dominant takes care of his SO, a bully doesn't.


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## Handy

* we have always have a running grocery list on the refrigerator*

Also make one that is out on the kitchen table with store "A" and store "B". That is how I do it and it works. 

Not on the list, it doesn't get bought.

Past the expiration date? I have used things 5 years past if they were in glass jars. Crackers, cookies and some breakfast cereals barely make it to the expiration dates. sometimes. Some acidic foods taste like the metal can if kept too long. Most things are good a year or two past the due date.


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## Rick Blaine

Interesting. No one has suggested that you talk to your husband about this. That's the next step here. 
1. Let him know he's being inconsiderate.
2. Let him know that you love him but will not stay married to an inconsiderate husband.

Are there other ways besides shopping that he is inconsiderate? If there are many other ways, you need to set some really hard boundaries with him. 

I suggest the book Love Busters.


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## Ed3n

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*

The chances of things changing after 8 years together aren't good. My ex H tried the "I don't do dishes" and in response he went 3 months without eating anything I cooked. I simply did not make enough food for him. He then tried "I make the money" to which I made a list of how much a housekeeper, cook, nanny etc. would cost. It worked for me, but I do not have a submissive personality. Chances are OP if you tried the same tactic with your husband there would be a fight. Is it worth one? Only you know that.

You could tell him to stop shopping, or he can cook and make the lunches with what he bought. Or, you can be annoyed, and nothing changes. I am guessing you will choose the latter. I don't say that to be negative, but because 8 years into your relationship, and it's happening, implies that you let him have his own way in too many areas. He is an adult, but responds like a child. He doesn't "do" dishes, because no one has told him "Do dishes, or don't eat!" and held him to it.

My suggestion is to find someone that you can talk/vent to. Unfortunately he is unlikely to change. You could push the issue(s), but chances are you will be the one who suffers for it. I wish I had a different answer, but I married a man-child once, and that is what your husband is. I also divorced one, and that is when his inner brat REALLY came out. 

You could always suggest hiring someone to help you out around the house and with the kids. That might not threaten his manhood too much. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. 

*OP If you want more replies you need to break your post down into more reader friendly paragraphs.


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## personofinterest

This may be a dumb question, but if you do all of the cooking, why does he insist on doing the grocery shopping? Will he not allow you to do the grocery shopping?


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## FeministInPink

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



Rick Blaine said:


> Interesting. No one has suggested that you talk to your husband about this. That's the next step here.
> 1. Let him know he's being inconsiderate.
> 2. Let him know that you love him but will not stay married to an inconsiderate husband.
> 
> Are there other ways besides shopping that he is inconsiderate? If there are many other ways, you need to set some really hard boundaries with him.
> 
> I suggest the book Love Busters.


If you go back and look at the original post, she has tried talking to him about it, at which point he became verbally abusive.


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## aine

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



AS75BKC said:


> Hi everyone. New here and wanted to ask a question. Here’s the scenario. My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 8. One source of continual conflict is the fact that when he goes grocery shopping (once every two months on average) he will spend money towards the household but refuses to ever ask me what we need (what I am planning for meals or what is lacking for lunches - we have 3 kids). Today he spent $200 but I will need to go out tomorrow and buy other things because he refuses to ask me what we actually need, although many items will be useful. We sometimes waste food because he’s big on filling up our basement pantry, but don’t go through it all before it expires. He has issues in general “asking” anyone what he should do, as he’s a dominant personality who thinks he’s right in all his decisions. He called me ungrateful tonight that I would complain after he spent money on groceries; however I told him that I think a “team player” in a marriage would consult their partner at least with a quick “do you need anything, I’m going to the store” as a way to save that person time and make sure all items are bought for the household. I should also mention that I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen (which I despise, however I’ve been told he “doesn’t do” kitchens). I make all meals and all kids’ lunches. I tried to tell him tonight that I’m happy he spent money but I still have to go shopping tomorrow because x,y and z were missed (essentials for lunches/planned meals that he doesn’t realize) and that I think it would be far more efficient if he could communicate with me before shopping next time. He told me basically that he doesn’t answer to anyone and this is “how he rolls” which sadly I know but still wish was different. How can I convey my point? Am I going crazy that I think he’s being really selfish about this?


Do you make his lunch? If so use whatever you have even though it may be distasteful, he needs to understand that he is being a big **** head.
In my household we both take turns to do the shopping, my husband often misses stuff not because it is not there but because he is not too good with brands of food, etc. In our house we have a shopping list that is placed on the work top, anyone who needs something writes it down. By the end of the week, we have a complete list for whomever does the shop. Do you give him a list of items?
Another way to avoid this is to do the shopping online. For example in UK, Tesco will deliver whatever you order, it saves time and provides for better organisation.
I think the problem is not that sometimes the husbands dont get it right (I give major points to mine for just making the effort) but his attitude about it. I think perhaps you have hurt his fragile ego by not praising him for a job well done, etc. You may have been abrasive, hence his harsh response. When making the food, say drat, we don't have that, have to do without it, there are ways and means of getting the message across, it may be passive aggressive but it seems that your H is way too sensitive and a bit of a bully


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## ConanHub

I believe spankings are in order.

Your husband is being a brat.


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



FeministInPink said:


> Did you date my XH? Because that sounds just like my XH.


I might have - he was in his 20's and already had a couple ex wives, LOL. He was something else. The thing is though, looking back on him and so many other BAD relationships I had, in my 50's now, I can really see how I invited neglect and abuse by being ...pathetic. Enabling, co-dependent - whatever it's called. When I first started coming on forums like this people would say "just don't accept that." And I'd wonder - but how? How do you "not accept" BS. And then one day I realized - you just stop accepting it.

For the OP of this thread - if this little snap-shot is an indicator of Hub's personality in general, and I have to imagine it is, she's got to find a way to turn this around, get out, or settle in for a long, frustrating, disappointing life.

The good news is that men are usually pretty simple and when they truly understand you're done with the nonsense, unless they want a divorce, they will try to come around. But if that's his personality, with everyone, who would want to be around him?


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



ConanHub said:


> I believe spankings are in order.
> 
> Your husband is being a brat.


Now ConanHub, you know that would backfire and just encourage more bratty behavior on his part.


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## WorkingWife

*Re: Advice needed on a scenario I’m in...*



aine said:


> I think the problem is not that sometimes the husbands dont get it right (I give major points to mine for just making the effort) but his attitude about it. I think perhaps you have hurt his fragile ego by not praising him for a job well done, etc. You may have been abrasive, hence his harsh response.


That's an angle I hadn't thought of. Maybe something in the exchange made her husband feel instantly defensive and then he would not back down.


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