# Need Advice! Am I wrong or right?



## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

I've been under sever financial constraint by my husband. We had some unforeseen work events in his company not happen (he still makes good money but we have huge fixed costs (schools). He says it will be better in a few months? I cant write a check or get cash because I stupidly voluntarily removed myself from our joint checking/debit since he made me feel guilty and I was trying to help the family and show how I wouldn't spend a dime. (we both spent money but somehow I am the guilty one) I haven't bought anything but groceries/kid essentials for a year! He was giving me a small amount of money to buy food for my 4 kids. For what he makes I feel like it is small. I buy inexpensive food! Nothing for their clothes, nothing for the kids events, functions, proms, etc. Christmas was so stressful trying to get enough money to give the kids some of what they used to get.

I sell things from home to make money to buy my things or things I know the kids need but cant have. Now he is getting controlling and basically not giving me family money to buy groceries and he is wanting me to use my side money. It really pisses me off. 

I know a lot of the money he earns goes to our fixed bills But he still has access to cash and checks and goes out to dinners, trips, country club, golf, doesn't mow lawn uses the "family money" for himself yet I can't use the family money for the kids groceries. God forbid they want clothes. 

I personally think he needs to get rid of his non-essentials if I can't even have grocery money. I'm a stay at home mom that does everything for kids/around house and works every single minute they are at school.

I've thought about getting a day job too but my younger son just gets so upset. Maybe I could this summer. My husband doesn't want me to either bc he wants the same environment for him as the others got (mom home after school). I just don't know what to do. 

What should I do?? Get another job? I feel like he is wrong. Do you think I should be buying groceries out of my side money while he uses family money to buy bike parts and enter races and go golfing?? He won't show me any of his credit cards or what comes into the joint checking account. What is an average amount of money a family of 6 should get for food/clothes/essentials per month? I don't even know anymore.

For example, I went to visit my son for a mom weekend and he gave me half of what I needed, I used my extra money to buy food/gas/rest of hotel. I asked to be paid back and he just ignores me. However he will go on the same dad trip and will have full access to family cash/prob. will spend a ton on food and drink.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Can you get a job working hours that your husband is home or on weekends? 

I remember when you posted this before, sorry to hear there has been no resolve. No you should not be the only one putting food on the table if he is out buying bike parts etc, he is doing this so that he has the money to buy the parts instead of taking care of his family first.

You are going to have to stand up to him, get a job whether he likes it or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

My ONLY question is, why are you even WITH this abusive assbag?

I'd be willing to bet he'd have a lot less 'fun' money for his dinners out and golfing and all his dumbass hobbies when he has to start paying child support for that many kids. Oh, and possibly spousal support on top of it.

Why you let this idiot treat you like some unwelcome house guest he's stuck living with is simply beyond me.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I don't know why you agreed to this situation without sitting down with him and planning a budget you both agree to.

Personally, I'd make that my hill to die on. It's one thing if finances are tight, but it's another to feel like he's holding out on you and expecting you to make ends meet while also being a SAHM. Either he goes out and works to provide for the family while you run the household/childcare, or you both provide for the family and you both share household/childcare.

Boundaries:

"I'm no longer willing to live in a marriage where I have no say in the finances. We need to sit down and make a family budget based on your exact income so we both are accountable for all spending/saving, and we budget items that we both agree to only. I need full transparency in our marriage. Either ou make enough to provide for us, or you don't. Let's figure this out so we know if I need to get a job and if so, you will need to help care for our children and take on household duties to make that happen."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Go see a lawyer and blow up hi world with papers. He willl determine quickly that it's "cheaper to keeper"


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

My only thought reading your post was "huh"? What century does your husband live in?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> I've been under sever financial constraint by my husband. We had some unforeseen work events in his company not happen (he still makes good money but we have huge fixed costs (schools). He says it will be better in a few months? I cant write a check or get cash because I stupidly voluntarily removed myself from our joint checking/debit since he made me feel guilty and I was trying to help the family and show how I wouldn't spend a dime. (we both spent money but somehow I am the guilty one) I haven't bought anything but groceries/kid essentials for a year! He was giving me a small amount of money to buy food for my 4 kids. For what he makes I feel like it is small. I buy inexpensive food! Nothing for their clothes, nothing for the kids events, functions, proms, etc. Christmas was so stressful trying to get enough money to give the kids some of what they used to get.
> 
> I sell things from home to make money to buy my things or things I know the kids need but cant have. Now he is getting controlling and basically not giving me family money to buy groceries and he is wanting me to use my side money. It really pisses me off.
> 
> ...


This sounds to me like a massive control issue...I'd say mostly on him, but nothing is ever one-sided. Just so I don't come across as one-sided, I'm kind of curious what kinds of things "kids need but can't have"...will they die without them? A large number of parents in North America place way too many things into the "need" column for children. Just as a comparison, the average child in developed countries has 3 toys. American children average 80. I'm not trying to point fingers, only hoping to point out that for anything to work, you will have to be open-minded enough to see that there's probably some component in here that is yours.

Anyway, I think you need to get into marital counseling. Both sides of this one have pretty fixed ideas on what money is for and both of you are emotionally attached to your views. You will not be able to collaborate your way through these things alone. A marital counselor can help get to the actual underlying emotional issues, which will be needed before you make financial progress.

Good luck.

DD


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would make sure the kids were well fed. Pasta, ground beef dishes are cheap. Fresh vegetables, apples and milk, oatmeal.

Feed them.

Your husband? Let the miser starve. Lock up the food where he can't find it. Tell him that you cannot afford to feed his fat ass.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@redpoppies34 This controlling behavior is bordering on abuse. Actually, I think it is financial abuse. The two of you are a team, and the money in that account is your money, too. You need to be put back on that account ASAP, no questions asked. It is RIDICULOUS that he expects you to pay for all the family expenses out of your small side business. They're his kids, too. It's his job to provide for them. And you're his wife. If the two of you agreed that you would be a SAHM, then he agreed to financially provide for you, and he isn't.

Personally, I think he's hiding something with the accounts. There should be full financial transparency in a healthy marriage. This is not a healthy marriage.

If he refuses to add you back to the account, you need to start planning your escape and divorce this asshat.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Doing the same thing over and over is just plain insanity.

You posting the same issue borders on that I stated above. Seek council in a good lawyer and lawyer up. 4 kids and a SAHM, can make your husband see the error of his ways real fast when most of the money is going to go to those others 5 mouths he lives with. And guess what, you won't have to live with him anymore. The law will take his money and he won't even have a say so in the matter. Take action and stop the insanity!

You can always date the selfish cheap skate if you are so inclined; You may even be able to afford paying half some of the time.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Not knowing your husband, your marriage dynamic or your financial position, I cannot comment on this post, save and except to say that the position could be ameliorated by a simple budget technique. Removing yourself from joint accounts may not have been the best idea, and I would strive to have those records in my posession.

There may be some blowback, but you need to sit down with your husband and write out a simple cash-flow so that the stress of finances can be reduced. You both know the monthly bills: school, utilities, rent/mortgage, etc. You also know his income. The wild card is your income as it is a home based business, and the funds can be used for the little luxuries once you have established a WRITTEN guideline for spending on a monthly basis. If both of you commit to this, it should reduce stress.

I have often recommended the envelope method of budgeting for neophytes. Essentially when the paycheck comes in, it is immediately split into envelopes: One for utilites, One for rent/mortgage/property tax etc etc etc. Finances are stressful to every couple, no matter how much income, a little forethought and the stress can be made to disappear. This may appear simplistic, but I believe in the KISS method of finance (Keep it Simple, Stupid)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jessica38 said:


> I don't know why you agreed to this situation without sitting down with him and planning a budget you both agree to.
> 
> Personally, I'd make that my hill to die on. It's one thing if finances are tight, but it's another to feel like he's holding out on you and expecting you to make ends meet while also being a SAHM. Either he goes out and works to provide for the family while you run the household/childcare, or you both provide for the family and you both share household/childcare.
> 
> ...


Add to the above that your name has to be on all checking accounts, assets, investments, etc.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Get a job whether he likes it or not. It's out of necessity. 

It's easier to take control of one's own life than trying to control half a marriage.

Sent from my SM-T337T using Tapatalk


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## trinityjoshua (Apr 24, 2017)

Ok...... I am obviously late to this conversation. But all you people who have been calling this woman's husband names and stuff..... You just need to stop. What is going on here is that there is an issue with the way they are communicating with each other. Leaving should not be an option. This is not a hopless situation I promise. Let me try to help you. I have a website and it is really new. However, I will be telling my story. I talk about Marriage, Finances, Kids, Depression..... All kinds of things on this website. Please take a look at it and at least give it a few weeks. My story is a long one and will take a while to get through all of it. But I promise you should find insight or answers to your dilemma.

Smiles,
Trinity Joshua

I'm Too Overwhelmed- Its More Normal than You think


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thanks so much everyone for the help! My story got weirder tonight. The thing is I volunteered to come off the joint accounts bc I had been using a credit card to pay for things when I had nothing. I really only used it for food or a kids tennis shoes. He guilted me out and I caved. Then I came to find out he had purchased one racing bicycle for nearly the same amount as the credit card in question. 

So he blames me for mis spending when he is clearly guilty himself. 

Anyways, I found out tonight that there are all these naked stripper photos on his phone. And he admits to having her text phone number. I questioned him and he is trying to say they are $10 photos he purchased when he met her at a strip club way back years ago. I find this so weird. He said something about having her phone number to act as a concierge to ext guys he knows ... to text her and make sure there are good looking strippers that night. This sounds so stupid I' not buying it. HELP! what is he doing with this girl?! Just photos... I doubt!

I thought about asking him to show me the $10 charges on his card then... bc obviously they should be charges right if he didn't go there in person. I honestly think they are like preview photos... like "hey want any" you know where to find me.... what do you guys think? ugh.... my life is deteriorating


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, that's a pretty lame excuse. Don't buy it.

Why does not need to provide "concierge to ext guys he knows " (what is "ext")?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

As if this man wasnt already disgusting enough. You are being abused and cheated on. Find a way out.


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