# Why so many sexless marriages?



## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

I admit to being single, but I don’t understand why so many people are in sexless marriages. I was married for 15 years. Lack of sex was never our problem because it was never used as a weapon. It sure seems that many of you have a significant other using it as control by not fulfilling the needs of the other.
as a Christian woman, it was my job to satisfy my husband. There was never any “not in the mood”. How big of a deal is it to provide a few minutes of pleasure to the man you love when he’d do the same for you? I no longer consider myself Christian, but still believe in taking care of my man. men, stop acting though it’s an option. My husband never treated it as such. He never raped me, but he definitely treated me like I was his when he wanted me. That dynamic makes all the difference!


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

If you can answer that question while having an answer that solves it without a marriage ending or over partner being totally rejected... Let me know 😉 

I'll never understand why, if you're attracted to your partner and not being abused etc, would you not want something so amazing!??? Sigh


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

_the other_ partner


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

JennyPenny said:


> He never raped me, but he definitely treated me like I was his when he wanted me. That dynamic makes all the difference!


YMMV, it doesn’t have to work like that. We are certainly not sexless, and never have been in 27 years, but that‘s not the dynamic we have (or I‘d want).


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Never understood why someone would stay in a sellers marriage. Makes more sense to just leave


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

I enjoyed our dynamic. I enjoyed that I pleased him. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it And if more women were more submissive in the bedroom there would be less divorces and many more happier marriages.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@JennyPenny 

I think there are two things at play here: 1) The folks who are not in sexless marriages don't come here to talk about it. They are busy having sex! LOL Thus if 60% of married people are in a marriage where their sex life is okay, and the other 40% are in sexless marriages (or unhealthy sex anyway)...why we hear from the 40%! The 60% don't squeal cuz they don't need the grease!

2) I think some women get into essentially a "habit" or a way of thinking where sex is thought of as a chore...or "another thing I have to do." As if there is this list of things they need to do that day: "make breakfast, pack lunches, get kids off to school, dr. appointment, hairdresser, kids to sports/activities, make dinner, wash dishes, sleep with hubby." No wonder it feels like a chore! It's thought of like just another thing that has to get done. 

I remember when I was about 35 I did this Seven Day Sex Challenge, and the idea was to just have sex every day for seven days, no excuses. NONE. I was surprised to find out how often I would think "UGH, I'm tired" or "Ugh, I am not in the mood" or "Ugh <insert other excuse here>" and from the challenge I realized that they way I was thinking of sex was in a negative way, not a positive. 

So I personally just decided to stop myself when I started thinking of sex like a chore, and instead start thinking of it in positive terms. Changing perspective and changing the way you think about something can often change the way you feel about it. And sex is positive. It's time together to be close, like a warm bath. It's time to be with friend I like. It's time be loving and be loved. It's time to feel pleasure in my body, like a massage. It's time that is worth it...it's worth it to make the time for this. 

Make sense?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JennyPenny said:


> I admit to being single, but I don’t understand why so many people are in sexless marriages. I was married for 15 years. Lack of sex was never our problem because it was never used as a weapon. It sure seems that many of you have a significant other using it as control by not fulfilling the needs of the other.
> 
> as a Christian woman, it was my job to satisfy my husband. There was never any “not in the mood”. How big of a deal is it to provide a few minutes of pleasure to the man you love when he’d do the same for you? I no longer consider myself Christian, but still believe in taking care of my man. men, stop acting though it’s an option. My husband never treated it as such. He never raped me, but he definitely treated me like I was his when he wanted me. That dynamic makes all the difference!


What you say here also applies to men who withhold sex in their marriage. As it turns out, men are as likely to withhold sex from their wives as often as women.

Men and women both have an obligation to their spouse to keep the passion and sex alive in their marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JennyPenny said:


> I enjoyed our dynamic. I enjoyed that I pleased him. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it And if more women were more submissive in the bedroom there would be less divorces and many more happier marriages.


Women do not have to be submissive in the bedroom. What's that about? Women enjoy sex every bit as much as men do. Women need/want sex every bit as much. I've always seen sex in a relationship as a mutual thing that shows love and gives pleasure for both people.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

JennyPenny said:


> I admit to being single, but I don’t understand why so many people are in sexless marriages. I was married for 15 years. Lack of sex was never our problem because it was never used as a weapon. It sure seems that many of you have a significant other using it as control by not fulfilling the needs of the other.
> as a Christian woman, it was my job to satisfy my husband. There was never any “not in the mood”. How big of a deal is it to provide a few minutes of pleasure to the man you love when he’d do the same for you? I no longer consider myself Christian, but still believe in taking care of my man. men, stop acting though it’s an option. My husband never treated it as such. He never raped me, but he definitely treated me like I was his when he wanted me. That dynamic makes all the difference!


Your post , claims quite a bit maybe you should post some advice in situations that may help others.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

JennyPenny said:


> I admit to being single, but I don’t understand why so many people are in sexless marriages. I was married for 15 years. Lack of sex was never our problem because it was never used as a weapon. It sure seems that many of you have a significant other using it as control by not fulfilling the needs of the other.
> as a Christian woman, it was my job to satisfy my husband. There was never any “not in the mood”. How big of a deal is it to provide a few minutes of pleasure to the man you love when he’d do the same for you? I no longer consider myself Christian, but still believe in taking care of my man. men, stop acting though it’s an option. My husband never treated it as such. He never raped me, but he definitely treated me like I was his when he wanted me. That dynamic makes all the difference!


And what if, like other women, you didn't consider it your "job" -instead being taught that a man should learn to live with whatever sexual level you felt most comfortable with.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sex should never be an obligation. No one owes it to anyone else, not even their spouse. The only thing owed is any relationship is honesty. If you are asexual, make sure your partner knows that. If you are high drive, tell them. More problems come not from "withholding" sex, but from incompatible drives and not being honest with each other. 

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Never understood why someone would stay in a sellers marriage. Makes more sense to just leave





Numb26 said:


> Never understood why someone would stay in a sellers marriage. Makes more sense to just leave





spotthedeaddog said:


> And what if, like other women, you didn't consider it your "job" -instead being taught that a man should learn to live with whatever sexual level you felt most comfortable with.


then I don’t think either of us would have been satisfied sexually.


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Your post , claims quite a bit maybe you should post some advice in situations that may help others.


Maybe. I feel like maybe people should already know this. Why get married if you’re not going to take care of each other’s needs?


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Sex should never be an obligation. No one owes it to anyone else, not even their spouse. The only thing owed is any relationship is honesty. If you are asexual, make sure your partner knows that. If you are high drive, tell them. More problems come not from "withholding" sex, but from incompatible drives and not being honest with each other.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


BS. When you agree to marry you agree to take care of sexual needs.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I think there are some other dynamics in play. I don't disagree with your original post, but I think there are some more complexities with it.

1. For me, my wife will "take care of me", any time I want. She has never refused....the problem, that does little to nothing for me. I take her up on that, about once I year. For me, it is all about sharing in the sexual/erotic energy. I don't want her to "service" me. I get little to no pleasure from a sexual "act of service", although I know many, many people who feel otherwise. for me, 90% of sex is what is going on between the ears, so I am always looking for an engaged partner, not just a willing one. That adds some complications into how often that can happen. 

2. I think for all sexual people, they fall into "givers" or "takers". Neither is bad, neither right or wrong. Many people can have some of each, but almost everyone errors to one of those more than the other. If you are a giver, you get pleasure from sexually pleasing someone. For spouse that is a giver, they normally see relationship as you described. They WANT to give please to their spouse. They likely care more about that than their own pleasure. It makes them feel wanted. These spouses likely always want their partner satisfied, will always want to be the source of that, and likely act as you described. For "takers", they think of sex as pleasure they receive. If they are not horny in the moment, they may not see value in performing sexually for someone else. It not that they are trying to me mean or cause issues, they just think differently about it. Your model for how relationships does not work for "takers", if they happen to be the lower desire of the two partners. Their internal motivation for being sexual just does not work that way. For "takers", if they were to try to follow you model, it would for sure become a "chore" and likely carry some negative emotions and resentment.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> 1. For me, my wife will "take care of me", any time I want. She has never refused....the problem, that does little to nothing for me. I take her up on that, about once I year. For me, it is all about sharing in the sexual/erotic energy. I don't want her to "service" me. I get little to no pleasure from a sexual "act of service", although I know many, many people who feel otherwise. for me, 90% of sex is what is going on between the ears, so I am always looking for an engaged partner, not just a willing one. That adds some complications into how often that can happen.


This is me in a nutshell. My wife could take it or leave it. That makes me more inclined to leave it. She seems happy with that arrangement.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Women do not have to be submissive in the bedroom. What's that about? Women enjoy sex every bit as much as men do. Women need/want sex every bit as much. I've always seen sex in a relationship as a mutual thing that shows love and gives pleasure for both people.


I agree 100%
But I do think that whoever has the lower drive needs to suck it up and do it instead of refusing their partner.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the OP to a certain degree. 

I told my boyfriend that i believe that if we don’t have sex for a certain amount of time, and keep getting refused and there is no medical issue, then that will make it ok to “cheat.” And I say “ cheat” because I believe there is a component of deceit when cheating occurs, it’s not just the action. Swingers and people in open relationships don’t cheat, unless there is a broken agreement or deceit. So in my opinion, for example If it’s coming on a few months and I’ve initiated weekly and kept getting shut down down, I would tell him... hey if I can’t get it from you I am going to go elsewhere. And actually start looking. And I think that is fair to be honest.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Absolutely agree that spouses should honor their commitment to take care of the sexual needs of each other. If this is not the case, why bother being married? Why have all the trials, tribulations, and hard work of marriage, without the "Benefit package?"
This became a major issue in our marriage, until the excrement hit the oscillating appliance about a year ago.
Long story:
When I met my wife, I was coming off a bad relationship. Broke off a long term relationship, engagement and cancelled a wedding.
I wasn't necessarily looking for sex at that point. She was very understanding, supportive and seduced me. For the duration of our dating years, engagement, and the first 18 years, sex was good and plentiful until the tap shut off.
For the next 7 years, we had sex a total of 3 times. All three times were after large fights, in which she did it to end the fight and try to cement her promise that she would strive to do better. I tried everything, being understanding/supportive, offering counseling, medical intervention, being encouraging, seducing her (like I used to do successfully.) All to no avail. In talking to her, all I got was she has no libido right now, it's not me, it's her, and she's sorry. Basically, too bad/ so sad. You're stuck.
I think it was a lot of things: menopause, entitlement, depression, losing her job, gaining weight and probably some other things that created this facade. In turn, I withdrew, made sure I wasn't around much, became critical and combative, and gained weight. Having an affair or an FB was not an option because of my sense of morality to honor my wedding vows, and she was still the love of my life and I could not justify hurting her in that way.
On this forum, some might say that she withdrew because she was having an affair. I know this was not the reason because: 1) she had "Blossomed" to 5'4", 360 lbs, 2) she never left the house unless I was with her, 3) have full control of phones/laptops and firmly believe in Ronald Reagan's concept of "Trust but Verify", 4) she at this point had $.79 in her bank account, 5) during part of this 7 year period, I had retired and we were basically together 24/7.
When it blew up was my birthday on a Saturday, of 2019. She cooked dinner and that was basically my birthday present. No making something, no home made card, no home made coupons, nothing. So to compensate, she decided we would have sex for the first time in 18 mos. Went in the bedroom and she basically sprawled out on the bed and said come and get it. Well, that pissed me off but I was willing to take it seriously. I started kissing her like she always liked. This went on for about 2-3 minutes, until she started in with the most sarcastic,dismissive laugh I ever heard. I not only found this demeaning and hurtful, I frankly got pissed and realized I had had enough of her s**t. I wont repeat the stream of profanity I screamed, grabbed my clothes and left the room. I went in the bathroom, got dressed, and started to get some stuff together to prepare to leave. At that point, she came out to do rug sweeping/damage control. It was all her, not me, please come back in the BR, and lets have sex. My response was "You didn't get in enough humiliating/demeaning in the first time?" Fight on. Only concession on my part was not leaving the house. Finally, I went to bed and told her to leave me the H alone.
Woke up the next morning, went full 180. Was short but civil with her. This went on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I got my s**t sorted during this time. By Wednesday, she was frazzled and wanted to talk. I started out with "Do you feel that we should honor our marriage vows?" Her answer was "Yes." I went through them, focusing on the "Cherish" part. She then started on everything being about sex, however she loves me and is totally devoted to me. I decided to change the focus from "Sex" to "Intimacy," even though in my mind, they are one and the same. Her comeback was she agreed about the intimacy, she wanted that but "Needs more time." I told her that I gave her seven years and she is out of time.
She then threw up her usual "She cleans my house and toilet." I came back with I help with the cleaning of the house, and besides, I can find a woman who is willing to do all that, and I don't even have to be married to her. She wasn't expecting that. She came back with she loves me. I stated that that's nice, but I had a mother, two sisters, a female cousin, three secretaries, and several female friends who told me they loved me too. When I added, they had given me about as much as my wife had over the past 7 years, she had no come back. I then came back with: I need a wife not a roommate and she had 3 options: 1) fix her issues and work on the marriage 2) she agrees to a post nup allowing me a FWB without reprisal, or 3) divorce. I said I wanted it made clear that #1 was my preferred choice, but I was at the point that #'s 2 or 3 were okay with me if she didn't give a damn. However, I added the status quo was no longer an option and she had until Sunday to decide. I walked out of the room. she was speechless.
Not much was said the rest of the week. We went out to dinner Saturday, like we always do. We went home. She took me in the bedroom and it was on. Took us several weeks to get back in the swing fully, but not a week has gone by since that we have not had sex at least 1X/week. She has admitted several times that she cannot understand why she denied us for several years, has enjoyed our reawakening, and is truly sorry that she did so. We are both in our 50's and both have health issues. So while it is not the "Monkey type" sex we both had back in our 20's, we have regained the relationship we had and she has totally transformed back to what she was, even in the tone of voice she addresses me.
The physical connection augments the emotional connection.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

JennyPenny said:


> I enjoyed our dynamic. I enjoyed that I pleased him. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it And if more women were more submissive in the bedroom there would be less divorces and many more happier marriages.


but you are still divorece, right?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> but you are still divorece, right?


Less divorce does not mean no divorce.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> Absolutely agree that spouses should honor their commitment to take care of the sexual needs of each other. If this is not the case, why bother being married? Why have all the trials, tribulations, and hard work of marriage, without the "Benefit package?"
> This became a major issue in our marriage, until the excrement hit the oscillating appliance about a year ago.
> Long story:
> When I met my wife, I was coming off a bad relationship. Broke off a long term relationship, engagement and cancelled a wedding.
> ...


One of the few men that have fixed this and not gotten divorced. And like we tell everyone, strength and decisive action are what solved the issue.

I would not have waited that long, but good for you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> One of the few men that have fixed this and not gotten divorced. And like we tell everyone, strength and decisive action are what solved the issue.
> 
> I would not have waited that long, but good for you.


People need to take their power back. If we all knew that we deserve certain things and don’t put up with anything else, this wouldn’t be such a problem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> People need to take their power back. If we all knew that we deserve certain things and don’t put up with anything else, this wouldn’t be such a problem.


This is truth. This is the way that it work in lots of situations not just sexual relationships. 

This is one of the things that I thankfully have never had trouble with. I figure if we are in a relationship and we are not having sex, well it needs to get fixed quick or I am out.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> One of the few men that have fixed this and not gotten divorced. And like we tell everyone, strength and decisive action are what solved the issue.
> 
> I would not have waited that long, but good for you.


I knew she was going through some things.
I tried to be a supportive spouse and a nice guy.
We all know what position "Nice guys" place in.
Next thing I knew, seven years passed.
I had decided I had about enough before the birthday thing.
She positioned me perfectly to take it to her.
I told her that I was almost 60 years old, and the biggest portion of my life was over. I was going to have love, sex and intimacy in my life. "No" was no longer an option. She drug me to the Catholic church (I didn't want a catholic wedding , as I'm not) so I told her that she could start walking the vows she imposed upon me. She agreed to be my wife. I am a one woman man, Love, sex, and intimacy was within the purview of her job description, and that if she wasn't willing to provide, I am still enough of a catch that I can find someone to provide that. Upon saying that, she turned white as a sheet and said "My god, our marriage is in trouble." That seems to be the kick in the a** she needed.
I have to thank this website to some degree, it enabled me to put things in context.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

spotthedeaddog said:


> And what if, like other women, you didn't consider it your "job" -instead being taught that a man should learn to live with whatever sexual level you felt most comfortable with.


My personal view on that would be not to marry. If you are not interested in regular sex mostly on demand unless ill, then I think it would be better not to marry. If I refused my husband sex and I did not give a valid reason, I would not blame him at all if he got sex from someone else, meaning my marriage would be null and void. My personal view is that refusing him sex when he wants it is punishment and psychological abuse. I am the higher sexed between us and I know what I suffer if he says something that means a refusal. 
It is my personal view


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

spotthedeaddog said:


> And what if, like other women, you didn't consider it your "job" -instead being taught that a man should learn to live with whatever sexual level you felt most comfortable with.


You mean the person with the highest drive should learn to live with whatever sexual level the lower drive person is most comfortable with? This sounds like a recipe for power and control.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> My personal view on that would be not to marry. If you are not interested in regular sex mostly on demand unless ill, then I think it would be better not to marry. If I refused my husband sex and I did not give a valid reason, I would not blame him at all if he got sex from someone else, meaning my marriage would be null and void. My personal view is that refusing him sex when he wants it is punishment and psychological abuse. I am the higher sexed between us and I know what I suffer if he says something that means a refusal.
> It is my personal view


I agree with you. And just imagine being refused day after day after day. To me that is cruel.


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Absolutely agree that spouses should honor their commitment to take care of the sexual needs of each other. If this is not the case, why bother being married? Why have all the trials, tribulations, and hard work of marriage, without the "Benefit package?"
> This became a major issue in our marriage, until the excrement hit the oscillating appliance about a year ago.
> Long story:
> When I met my wife, I was coming off a bad relationship. Broke off a long term relationship, engagement and cancelled a wedding.
> ...


I love this! It would be interesting to see what would happen if you became more aggressive in bed. I bet she’d get get more excited! Some women like to be dominated in bed!


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> but you are still divorece, right?


Yes. We had several deaths in our families around the same time and grew apart. We still had sex after our divorce, but that stopped when he fell in love with someone else.


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I agree 100%
> But I do think that whoever has the lower drive needs to suck it up and do it instead of refusing their partner.





Girl_power said:


> Less divorce does not mean no divorce.


sure, but it had nothing to do with sex life and that’s what this post is about.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

JennyPenny said:


> I love this! It would be interesting to see what would happen if you became more aggressive in bed. I bet she’d get get more excited! Some women like to be dominated in bed!


We are fairly aggressive as it is.
If we would get much more aggressive, 911 would have to dispatch one or more squads to our location.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

A sexless marriage brought me to this site in 2014. 

I went through all the normal, unhealthy motions...doing all the work...shooting for freshly moved goalposts while catering to her needs. 

Then I finally had enough. I set fire to the marriage, and gave her the option to put it out, or let it burn. 

She chose to put it out. Had she not, we would be divorced. That's what it took for her to realize she was about to lose a high quality man who until that point had recently forgotten his own worth.

And it's funny what happens the moment a man realizes his worth, then humbly insists on living his life in such a way that he only accepts worthy things into that life. 

People around him have no choice but to respect it, his spouse included. Suddenly, he isn't pushing for more sex, because his actions are drawing her towards him.

Know your worth. 

Insist on people and things in your life that reflect that worth.

The right people will remain, while the rest slowly disappear. 

For what it's worth, my formerly frigid wife and I enjoyed breath play just last night. 

Life is pretty good. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> A sexless marriage brought me to this site on 2014.
> 
> I went through all the normal, unhealthy motions...doing all the work...shooting for freshly moved goalposts while catering to her needs.
> 
> ...


Yes. A woman wants a man in bed!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Marriage is like an investment the more that both parties put into the marriage the better they will both get a lot out of it, but if one party is in vesting and the other one is coasting and expecting the other to make up for the other, then you can expect a lot of early withdrawal even if there are penalties to pay. while others just keep their mouth shut and keep paying in mounting their resentment and anger over the years....just waiting for the day they can take their portion and leave


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

Everyone who decides to stay in a sexless marriage has their different reasons. For me, its been five years with no sex and one time in seven, it was not intimate. I have talked to her about it and she says "I dont see a problem". How do you argue with that mindset? So why do I stay?
1. We took legal guardianship of my paternal grandson several years ago. I cant do it on my own. I refuse to leave him behind.
2. Our retirement is comingled and I dont want some lawyer taking a chunk of it.
3. I still crave intimacy but I dont even attempt trying because I dont care for rejection so I avoid it.
I admit I have thought about an affair, but my busy schedule doesnt even allow time for that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first marriage was largely sexless, and that is the main reason I ended it. I will never again tolerate a sexless relationship, no matter what else is good about it or going on in our lives. I might do an open relationship IF everything else was good AND I could find someone to satisfy me sexually on an ongoing basis. Otherwise, I'd rather take my chances with divorce and on finding someone else eventually who meets ALL of my essential needs and wants. I'm confident that I could. Fortunately, my present spouse is as ideal as I could hope and wish for, sexually and otherwise, so I'm not going anywhere!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

JennyPenny said:


> BS. When you agree to marry you agree to take care of sexual needs.


No when you agree to marry, you agree to what you agree to. This is why sexual need and wants is something that needs to be discussed prior to marriage, amongst other things.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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