# Texting an Ex



## SeekingHope

I'm new on here, but I'm feeling so lost. I hope someone can help me. I've been married for two months, but things seem to be falling apart so quickly. The very day we returned from our honeymoon my husband's ex sent him a text, and he replied. EIGHTY SIX text messages and the next day, they ended their conversation. He didn't tell me he was having this conversation, even though I was right there in the room. I saw the phone bill, and the extreme number of texts going back & forth, so I called the number to see who this was, it went to voicemail and I found it was his ex-girlfriend - I forgot to add that there were also pictures being exchanged. He claims she was asking him about the wedding. And he was asking about her son. He swears the pictures were of the wedding and her kid. OH - KAY - if it was all so innocent, why not just mention it to me? I let it go, because his explanation seemed reasonable.

Flash forward a month, he texts her this time. Supposedly because she left him a message on Facebook. And he had to tell her not to do that because I'd freak out. WHAT? Who said I'd freak out? I wouldn't! Well maybe... if it was something inappropriate, like a sexual comment. Anyway, he said he deleted the FB right away, then sent her the text. I told him that by deleting the FB comment he looked guilty of something and it was weird, then I asked him what the comment was about. Here's the best part, he says "oh, she was asking about the wedding". Ummm, huh??? Wasn't that what she wanted LAST MONTH? So he gets all defensive and basically calls me immature and childish for being worried about it. I'm 38 years old, I'm hardly those things. But when your story doesn't add up, I'm going to get suspicious. Then he tells me he will let her know that he is "no longer allowed to speak to her". I told him that was fine, but not what I said. I just didn't like the secretiveness or what seem like lies. He proceeds to have a SEVENTY text message conversation with her to let her know that texting with her is damaging our relationship. Or at least that is what he said the content of the conversation was. He deletes the texts, I never see them.

Moving forward two weeks, she texts him at 8:00 AM on July 5th to ask for his advice about a burn her son received from a sparkler. Seriously?? This woman hasn't got a mother, a friend, or any common sense?? He did tell me immediately about this text. First time ever he was up front.

Now July 10th, she texts him at 9:30 at night to see how he is doing because she read on FB that he hurt his back. FOR REAL?? He has a wife. I take care of him. I questioned him about the texts, 7 of them, after I saw them on the phone bill. He blew up at me and said that I am being too insecure and he can't stand it. If I don't stop this marriage won't work. He basically threatened to leave me. So, now I feel that texting this other girl is more important to him than our new marriage. And I'm sorry, but I feel like she is up to no good. Why is she texting him with more frequency now, after she was supposedly told it bugs me?

I am devastated. And so sad. I told him that I wished I could just pretend not to be jealous for his sake, but it is how I feel. I told him that I think they are both being so disrespectful of my feelings. He said he loves me and that he wishes I could just accept that and quit pushing him away. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling, but since we both travel quite extensively for work it will be a while before we will be able to schedule it. In the meantime I'm searching for answers and hoping someone here has any advice at all??


----------



## lonelyman

What he is doing sounds very shady, suspicious and disrespectful toward your feelings,

but in his defense there is nothing here that proves to me this is anything more than innocent friendly conversation,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SeekingHope

lonelyman said:


> What he is doing sounds very shady, suspicious and disrespectful toward your feelings,
> 
> but in his defense there is nothing here that proves to me this is anything more than innocent friendly conversation,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do agree with you - I even TOLD him the other night that I don't believe he is sleeping with her or planning to sleep with her or anything like that. I just don't like that he feels the need to lie to me about texting with her, to delete her messages, or to continue having so many conversations with her when he knows it's hurting me. Innocent and friendly, or not - if it bothers me shouldn't that be the most important thing?


----------



## Corkey88

Let's just get right to the point - it is completely inappropriate for a married man to be texting another woman, never mind that it is his ex-girlfriend! This has to stop and immediately. 

He first needs to admit it was wrong. And frankly, if it bothers you, his wife, then he should just stop it, no explanation needed from you. If he refuses to stop it, you have much bigger issues in my opinion. He needs to respect you and he simply hasn't been by carrying on this conversation behind your back. 

Secrecy and lies destroy relationships and marriages. Openness and transparency are needed and soon. 

Best of luck


----------



## PBear

Corkey88 said:


> Let's just get right to the point - it is completely inappropriate for a married man to be texting another woman, never mind that it is his ex-girlfriend! This has to stop and immediately.


Oh please. That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? Completely inappropriate for a married man to text another woman?

I would agree that the original poster's husband is behaving in a shady and possibly inappropriate manner, especially since he agreed to stop. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Corkey88

PBear said:


> Oh please. That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? Completely inappropriate for a married man to text another woman?
> 
> I would agree that the original poster's husband is behaving in a shady and possibly inappropriate manner, especially since he agreed to stop.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Outside of business (and really, email works just as well), why should a married man be texting another woman? If he is, his wife should be aware of who he is texting and why. He should not be texting an ex-gf at all, period.


----------



## Jellybeans

Yeah it's wrong. THE DAY after you got home from honeymoon he texts his ex along with pics 86 times? 

Something ain't right. 

Also him acting like an a$$ when you call him on it and saying you are insecure and how he will divorce you/leave you speaks volumes about his character.

He sounds like an indignant child.


----------



## triniti

My husband's ex-wife was texting/calling my husband since the day we met. When she found out about me, the texts/calls became more frequent. There were never 86 or any number like that in any given day at all, and I'm sure my husband was never the initiator. I think with him, he was just dealing with a lot of guilt and felt like he owed her, and she was taking full advantage of that and using it to her advantage - calling him at 7 am on weekends because she was locked out, etc. They shared a condo and a dog for logisitical reasons so it always started out as something important but i think it was really because she realized she was losing him. the worst part about it was that my husband defended her every time i alluded to her malicious intentions, saying she was a really great person. almost 4 years later he finally admitted to the damage she had done and that she probably was behaving maliciously and out of jealousy, but the difference is that my husband had confrontational issues - he didn't enjoy dealing with her but did it out of obligation. 

your marriage is so new it is sad that your husband is putting it in jeapordy for an ex. i agree with one of the people above that he has to come to the point that he can admit first that HIS behavior has hurt you and is a horrible foundation for a marriage, and that you will undoubtedly be left with trust issues, which will damage your marriage if he doesn't fix this.


----------



## dojo

Well, I don't have anything to deal with my ex-es and we're basically friends. Not close, but, if we met on the street, we'd say hello. I wouldn't have anything against him replying to SOME of the stuff or just being polite. But this is a bit too much and not OK at all. He's married, she should get out of the equation.


----------



## DayDream

Uh...no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DayDream

Let me rephrase that; Awww...hel* Naw!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

triniti said:


> My husband's ex-wife was texting/calling my husband since the day we met. When she found out about me, the texts/calls became more frequent. There were never 86 or any number like that in any given day at all, and I'm sure my husband was never the initiator. I think with him, he was just dealing with a lot of guilt and felt like he owed her, and she was taking full advantage of that and using it to her advantage - calling him at 7 am on weekends because she was locked out, etc. They shared a condo and a dog for logisitical reasons so it always started out as something important but i think it was really because she realized she was losing him. the worst part about it was that my husband defended her every time i alluded to her malicious intentions, saying she was a really great person.


Were you the other woman that he left his wife for? 

Were you in any way involved with him before/during the divorce? 

Just curious since you said he felt "guilty" & he "owed" her & "she realized she was losing him."


----------



## lonelyman

Corkey88 said:


> Outside of business (and really, email works just as well), why should a married man be texting another woman?


LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

lonelyman said:


> LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's an ex-GIRLFRIEND. Big difference than just some female friend or co-worker. Also, 86 texts right after they get back from the honeymoon and he threatens to leave his new wife if she has a problem with it?! 

You might want to strongly consider staying married. Or at the very least find out what is really going on.


----------



## SeekingHope

lonelyman said:


> LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that a man and woman can be friends. I myself have a man who is a friend. He is someone I've known since childhood. BUT, I've never dated him or had sex with him. My husband has met him and his girlfriend, we do things as couples, and since the day I became engaged to my husband I've never been alone with him. And I certainly don't send him 86 text messages in a year, let alone a single day. There are just certain things that raise an eyebrow. Also, if my husband ever, EVER told me that this friend of mine caused him discomfort or pain, I'd stop my friendship with him. My husband is THAT important to me. That relationship is sacred. I guess I am so sad because I have realized only now that my husband does not feel the same way about me. I always beleived he did before...


----------



## SeekingHope

stillme4you said:


> Let me rephrase that; Awww...hel* Naw!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And THAT might me the first time I've smiled ALL DAY! Can I just say thank you!!!


----------



## weR2

I know that my words here are not what the other posters are advising, and most will probably laugh at me. But, I thought that I should share my thoughts. True love is eternal. Love is not jealous. Love is not selfish.

Having said that, let me say that I have exes from years past. I keep in contact with one of them because we have a daughter together, even though the daughter is an adult. I love my ex dearly, but, CANNOT AND WILL NOT ever live with her again. While I do remember and treasure the good times that we had in the past, sexual encounters between the two of us are not even considered. For her sake though, I would like for her to find another man to share the rest of her life with. 

Another ex of some 30 yrs ago I talk to regularly and we both realize and respect that because I am married, there will be no sex play. WE ARE TRUE FRIENDS!!! Physically, as a human being I realize that no person wants to be alone. Spiritually, I realize that love is eternal. Emotionally, I believe that we are here in this world together, to unselfishly help each other, life experiences are important.

I want to be here for all, to share all my life experiences and knowledge, and to continue to understand what love really is.


----------



## Jellybeans

^ That is wonderful and all but how would you feel about your wife texting her ex-boyfriend 86 times with pictures the day after your honeymoon?


----------



## SeekingHope

weR2 said:


> I know that my words here are not what the other posters are advising, and most will probably laugh at me. But, I thought that I should share my thoughts. True love is eternal. Love is not jealous. Love is not selfish.
> 
> Having said that, let me say that I have exes from years past. I keep in contact with one of them because we have a daughter together, even though the daughter is an adult. I love my ex dearly, but, CANNOT AND WILL NOT ever live with her again. While I do remember and treasure the good times that we had in the past, sexual encounters between the two of us are not even considered. For her sake though, I would like for her to find another man to share the rest of her life with.
> 
> Another ex of some 30 yrs ago I talk to regularly and we both realize and respect that because I am married, there will be no sex play. WE ARE TRUE FRIENDS!!! Physically, as a human being I realize that no person wants to be alone. Spiritually, I realize that love is eternal. Emotionally, I believe that we are here in this world together, to unselfishly help each other, life experiences are important.
> 
> I want to be here for all, to share all my life experiences and knowledge, and to continue to understand what love really is.


I understand why you keep in contact with your ex you have a daughter with. And I can even understand keeping in contact with your other ex. But if your wife were to ever express to you that she was struggling with the amount of contact you were having with one of these women, or if she were to ask you to see the communications (ie: read texts, emails) would you 1) say, of course sweetie, you can read them I have nothing to hide from you; or 2) get defensive, call her names and continue the communication and deleting of the evidence? I have not asked him to cease all communication with this ex, although I would like to, I have not. I have simply asked him to be honest and up front with me about it. And lately I've noticed the ex has ramped up the frequency, ever since she discovered it bothers me. You can call me crazy, but it leads me to the conclusion that she likes causing problems in our relationship. And she is a full fledged expert at playing the damsel in distress - which I'm the polar opposite of. I can completely take care of myself. Hubby buys into the doe eyede "I'm helpless" routine every single time. It's frustrating.

I signed us up for couples counseling. Happy 2 month anniversary to us.


----------



## Jellybeans

If she ramped up communication after the fact, then yes, you already know what kind of person she is. 

If your husband continues to allow it, the central problem lies with him not respecting you enough to cut it off completely.


----------



## turnera

Call the woman up and tell her to leave your husband alone or you will make life miserable for her.


----------



## SeekingHope

Jellybeans said:


> If she ramped up communication after the fact, then yes, you already know what kind of person she is.
> 
> If your husband continues to allow it, the central problem lies with him not respecting you enough to cut it off completely.


COMPLETELY AGREE! The couple of girlfriends I've confided in have all had the reaction of "CALL HER!!" They want me to yell at her and tell her to back off. But I know that she is only part of the problem. It is my husband's responsibility to tell her to stop. I can say it all I want, but unless he tells her, it won't matter. And I'll just look like an idiot. Plus, I just have more class than that. I think he just likes the attention, which does NOT make it right. It makes him pretty pathetic. But I don't want this ignorant girl thinking she's making more headway than she is.


----------



## Jellybeans

Your problem needs to cut off the contact. Why hasn't he? He knows it bothers you.


----------



## SeekingHope

Jellybeans said:


> Your problem needs to cut off the contact. Why hasn't he? He knows it bothers you.


Because he does not think there is anything wrong with it. He thinks it is just me being ridiculous and he doesn't care that it bothers me. He thinks it should not bother me because he says so. Basically? He's being a jerk.


----------



## turnera

I agree you have to get him to realize what he's doing, but it doesn't hurt to let her know you're watching. Sometimes that's all it takes.

I'm more worried that your husband married you for convenience.


----------



## SeekingHope

turnera said:


> I agree you have to get him to realize what he's doing, but it doesn't hurt to let her know you're watching. Sometimes that's all it takes.
> 
> I'm more worried that your husband married you for convenience.


I don't understand the "married me for convenience" Could you please explain?


----------



## turnera

Well, he doesn't seem to CARE about you, or he would be listening to you and he would be upset that YOU are upset. Instead, he acts as if you are just there to be his wife and if you don't like what he does, tough.

Is that love?

Doesn't sound like it.

I can't tell you how many men over the last 30 years have told me they just got married cos they thought they'd get easier (and cheaper) sex. They didn't WANT marriage, but the woman did, so they agreed, thinking it would make her happy and she'd put out more. Sorry, but true. He just may be one of those guys.

I'm not saying he is, but you should at least consider the possibility, considering that THIS SOON into your marriage, he frankly couldn't care less that he is hurting you. 

Honey, it only gets worse. The longer we are married, the less attention we pay our spouses, and the less we care about hurting them. They become comfortable. If he's this harmful to you now, you can expect a heck of a lot worse in 2 or 5 or 10 years.


----------



## Jellybeans

I think what Turn means is he married you not because he was truly committed to you but because it was maybe the next safe step in the relationship. If he has that much contact with his ex it does not sound like he is loyal or committed to you especially if you called him out on it and he hasn't ended it.


----------



## JeffX

One question. Were you jealous before you got married? Did you make any jealous comments in the past? I'm just asking as this could be a defense mechanism that he's doing. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with someone who got upset over the littlest interaction with any woman I had. After a time, I built up a defense where I was hiding everything from her as everything seemed to set her off. I was just trying to keep her happy. As I was up front with her about everything I did or said. And none of it was inappropriate.

I do think 86 messages is a bit extreme. And I think something needs to be done about that, but going on the offensive might not be your best option. Did this ex text him quite a bit before you two got married? Or just after? If it's after, she definitely wants his attention.


----------



## turnera

A coworker of my husband's, got pregnant with a girl two years ago, so he married her last year. Husband was just telling me that they were at a business function, and the guy picked out a girl at the thing, took her behind the building, and screwed her. Problem is, they had security cameras rolling, and he got in trouble. The point is, it's just what he does. Being married doesn't mean he can't have as many women as will have him. I can think of at least a dozen guys like that, that my husband has told me about in the last 20 years or so. I'm just saying, don't be naive.


----------



## SeekingHope

JeffX said:


> One question. Were you jealous before you got married? Did you make any jealous comments in the past? I'm just asking as this could be a defense mechanism that he's doing. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with someone who got upset over the littlest interaction with any woman I had. After a time, I built up a defense where I was hiding everything from her as everything seemed to set her off. I was just trying to keep her happy. As I was up front with her about everything I did or said. And none of it was inappropriate.
> 
> I do think 86 messages is a bit extreme. And I think something needs to be done about that, but going on the offensive might not be your best option. Did this ex text him quite a bit before you two got married? Or just after? If it's after, she definitely wants his attention.


I was never the jealous type before. And I don't think I'm being super jealous about it NOW. I have not asked him to cease communication with her, I've just asked him to stop lying about it and after the 86 message text fest on the day we returned from our honeymoon - I asked him to save the messages so I could see for myself what they were talking about. I tried explaining it might help ease my mind. She would sometimes send him a random message here or there in the past - we've been togther 3 years. He'd respond but nothing like these marathon conversations. It never bothered me when it was a random text or two back and forth. It only started bothering me when it started being these 70 - 80 text a day conversations. And like I said, right after he told her it bugged me BOOM, she starts texting every week or more!! Just too weird!


----------



## JeffX

SeekingHope said:


> I was never the jealous type before. And I don't think I'm being super jealous about it NOW. I have not asked him to cease communication with her, I've just asked him to stop lying about it and after the 86 message text fest on the day we returned from our honeymoon - I asked him to save the messages so I could see for myself what they were talking about. I tried explaining it might help ease my mind. She would sometimes send him a random message here or there in the past - we've been togther 3 years. He'd respond but nothing like these marathon conversations. It never bothered me when it was a random text or two back and forth. It only started bothering me when it started being these 70 - 80 text a day conversations. And like I said, right after he told her it bugged me BOOM, she starts texting every week or more!! Just too weird!


I'd say you have a problem then. She wants his attention and she wants the challenge of going after a married man. That's what it seems like. I don't see a problem with you asking him to cut communication.


----------



## weR2

SeekingHope said:


> I understand why you keep in contact with your ex you have a daughter with. And I can even understand keeping in contact with your other ex. But if your wife were to ever express to you that she was struggling with the amount of contact you were having with one of these women, or if she were to ask you to see the communications (ie: read texts, emails) would you 1) say, of course sweetie, you can read them I have nothing to hide from you; or 2) get defensive, call her names and continue the communication and deleting of the evidence? I have not asked him to cease all communication with this ex, although I would like to, I have not. I have simply asked him to be honest and up front with me about it. And lately I've noticed the ex has ramped up the frequency, ever since she discovered it bothers me. You can call me crazy, but it leads me to the conclusion that she likes causing problems in our relationship. And she is a full fledged expert at playing the damsel in distress - which I'm the polar opposite of. I can completely take care of myself. Hubby buys into the doe eyede "I'm helpless" routine every single time. It's frustrating.
> 
> I signed us up for couples counseling. Happy 2 month anniversary to us.


I understand exactly what you are saying here! As we all try to understand and give our thoughts, none of us really know about the real relationship between your H and his ex, therefore we are all really speculating. One of the points that I was trying to make is that my relationship with my wife's son is as though he is my son, I love him as a son. Having spent so much time with him growing up, I am always asking my wife for news about him. Her son and I have something in common, we are both males, because of that she is often curious on how to handle situations.

Perhaps your H genuinely is like a father to the boy, and she is only attempting to cope with raising this boy. A boy that may be suffering from the loss of a father figure. I think that we all have seen that sometimes the children are the most confused and most needy after a divorce/breakup. 

Communication and understanding of all parties is key here. I think that I would have a talk with him here. What my wife and I do is we walk away from the room where the conversation goes on and allow each other to talk privately with their ex, no messaging (86 messages can often equal a 5-10 minute conversation over the phone). We know that we 
love each other and we give each other the freedom to handle our situations as we each see proper.

Just trying to give some added input here, without knowledge of the real situation. Trying to be optimistic and understanding.


----------



## DG3

I am going through the same thing. I have to tell you, it started out this way with my husband. He started talking to exes on FB then it progressed to inbox messages, then text messages. Now he has delved into posting Craigslist ads and chat rooms. He has been having an emotional affair with a girl he met there for a few months. I confronted him after investigating the phone bill. He admitted it. Our marriage is now over. Trust is gone. There is never a reason to be sneaky and never a reason to talk to an ex who he had an intimate relationship with. It could very well lead to worse. Best of luck.


----------



## Mom#2Bliss

I had an ex who did this sort of thing. Before cell phones. We lived together and one day I was cleaning OUR room and putting laundry away when I noticed a pink slip of paper with a girl's phone number on it, in his sock/underwear drawer. I am not the jealous, suspicious type AT ALL.. So I casually asked "Babe do you need this number I found?" and before I could even finish my comment, he flipped. Started yelling at me for snooping through his stuff, and saying all these crazy mean things, so obviously I became suspicious. At the time I was young, and hated confrontation, so stupidly I let it go.....until another time when I got pulled over in his truck and pulled out the insurance card. There was a woman's phone number on the insurance card... this time I called the woman pretending he and I were just roomates. I learned they hadn't met up other than the night they met at a club. However, my ex was calling her everyday to try to set up another meeting. I explained who I was, and she apologized profusely. My ex was away at his Man camping trip, so I called my best friend and told her to bring her truck over...I moved out and never went back. 
My point is...long winded sorry.. Is if he is flipping out on you, telling you, you are the problem.. there is very likely something inappropriate going on, whether it only be emotional now, still inappropriate. My husband now is completely open with his communications with his ex (they have 3 children) and now that we are married she texts me for most of the kid conversations now. He rarely hears from her anymore...Which I think is respectful on both of their parts. I've never had to ask him about his phone, he often gives it to me to answer her. Your husband should not be making you feel like the problem. If he truly wants to remain friends with her, he should introduce you two and make it a comfortable situation...and if it cannot be then he should gladly and simply choose you. You are not the problem! Your husband is hiding something.


----------



## SeekingHope

weR2 said:


> Just trying to give some added input here, without knowledge of the real situation. Trying to be optimistic and understanding.


He has never seen her son, except as a small baby, that I know of. So I am not aware of any special attachment he has for the child. 

Like I said, I never had problem with him speaking to her. The problem started when he began lying to me about it and hiding it from me. What is the problem with saying "hey, I'm texting with "J" right now, just FYI". IF he had done that on the first day we returned from our honeymoon, and maybe shown me the phone so I could see the content of the conversation, we would not be in this mess right now. Instead he texted her all day and night, right in front of me, never mentioned it to me, then blew up at me when I asked him about it. My problem less about being jealous and more about his behavior and lack of concern for my feelings. Does that make sense?


----------



## weR2

YOUR QUOTE: The very day we returned from our honeymoon my husband's ex sent him a text, and he replied. EIGHTY SIX text messages and the next day, they ended their conversation.

In trying to understand, I see in this statement of yours that in a 2day period there were 86 messages (presumably 43 from her and 43 from him), does seem to be a lot. Could it be that she now is faced with the reality that she is now alone? I can imagine that if I was in her "shoes", it is possible that I would look at his saying "I do." as the real termination of any hope to get back together again.

But equally so, I can understand where some "vicious" people would try to break up a marriage if they feel desperate. In that case, I think that I would not "play" into the "vicious" plan. Maybe doing opposite of the "vicious" plan is the way to go here?

It seems to me that your H is the key here. His understanding of your perspective, together with your understanding of his situation (and perhaps a bit of understanding of hers), coupled with open communication between you and your new H, I can visualize a solution to your dilemma. 

Good luck.


----------



## Jellybeans

weR2 said:


> YOUR QUOTE: The very day we returned from our honeymoon my husband's ex sent him a text, and he replied. EIGHTY SIX text messages and the next day, they ended their conversation.
> 
> In trying to understand, I see this statement of yours that in a 2day period there were 86 messages (presumably 43 from her and 43 from him), does seem to be a lot. Could it be that she now is faced with the reality that she is now alone? I can imagine that if I was in her "shoes", it is possible


"Alone" or not, the ex and OP's husband have no business texting 86 times just 2 days after their honeymoon.


----------



## hbgirl

He knows how it makes you feel. It shouldn't matter if it's all innocent or what they're texting about. Bottom line is or should be what's most important to him? Is he saying he'd rather look at it as "you pushing him away" then to stop texting her? That sounds like she must be pretty important to him if it's worth all the heartache it's causing.


----------



## onepotatotwo

Seeking, this situation you're talking about isn't going to get better and it will wind up destroying your marriage and your self-esteem....and I speak from experience.

My H was previously married (as was I), but his ex refused to "let go"... She wanted to have him around as "backup" in case her new man didn't work out. Unfortunately, H has kids with her, so that's her excuse for every evil, malicious thing she's done..."She is afterall the *mother of his children*"...Yuck!! Makes me vomit a little in my mouth everytime I think of it--and she always says it with such dripping venom... 

Basically, in a nutshell, she has made my life a living hell from the day I met my H. Now mind you she had an affair and walked out on my H and their kids--but after him and I got involved (nearly 3 years after their separation) she was suddenly at his house all the time, coming literally inside the house without knocking--and worse-- It was just unbearable. And H didn't do anything about it. He made it out to be being jealous and insecure--Well, if I *felt* secure, I'd *act* secure, but I can spot a snake from a mile away, and that woman was a sidewinder if ever there was one!!! 

So, consequently our marriage is based on mistrust and deception which lingers til this day. Even though I know "she" doesn't want my H back, she knows she can snap her fingers and manipulate him for fun and games...and to watch me squirm. The only power I have now is to say "no" to having their kids here when H isn't home...and that makes mommy have to be more responsible and nicer to me...So I'm kinda fighting manipulation with manipulation at this point but there are times that nice doesn't cut it.

I'm really sorry this is happening and really my heart breaks for you because I've been where you are... You just need to decide if your love for him is strong enough to withstand all this crap. Are you ready to put up with this nonsense for the rest of your life? I found it does get better, but it never goes away and it will never be the perfect fairy tale you want (you know, having you husband to yourself without this skank interfering)... The question is, are you willing to spend your life like this....

I chose to stay(so far... lol) so I can't tell you which is the right choice...Only you can do that...

I wish you happiness and peace...


----------



## weR2

SeekingHope said:


> He has never seen her son, except as a small baby, that I know of. So I am not aware of any special attachment he has for the child.
> 
> Like I said, I never had problem with him speaking to her. The problem started when he began lying to me about it and hiding it from me. What is the problem with saying "hey, I'm texting with "J" right now, just FYI". IF he had done that on the first day we returned from our honeymoon, and maybe shown me the phone so I could see the content of the conversation, we would not be in this mess right now. Instead he texted her all day and night, right in front of me, never mentioned it to me, then blew up at me when I asked him about it. My problem less about being jealous and more about his behavior and lack of concern for my feelings. Does that make sense?


Yes, I understand the situation and your concern more so now. Time to sit down with him immediately and "iron things out", before the situation gets worse. Good luck.


----------



## weR2

Mom#2Bliss said:


> I had an ex who did this sort of thing. Before cell phones. We lived together and one day I was cleaning OUR room and putting laundry away when I noticed a pink slip of paper with a girl's phone number on it, in his sock/underwear drawer. I am not the jealous, suspicious type AT ALL.. So I casually asked "Babe do you need this number I found?" and before I could even finish my comment, he flipped. Started yelling at me for snooping through his stuff, and saying all these crazy mean things, so obviously I became suspicious. At the time I was young, and hated confrontation, so stupidly I let it go.....until another time when I got pulled over in his truck and pulled out the insurance card. There was a woman's phone number on the insurance card... this time I called the woman pretending he and I were just roomates. I learned they hadn't met up other than the night they met at a club. However, my ex was calling her everyday to try to set up another meeting. I explained who I was, and she apologized profusely. My ex was away at his Man camping trip, so I called my best friend and told her to bring her truck over...I moved out and never went back.
> My point is...long winded sorry.. Is if he is flipping out on you, telling you, you are the problem.. there is very likely something inappropriate going on, whether it only be emotional now, still inappropriate. My husband now is completely open with his communications with his ex (they have 3 children) and now that we are married she texts me for most of the kid conversations now. He rarely hears from her anymore...Which I think is respectful on both of their parts. I've never had to ask him about his phone, he often gives it to me to answer her. Your husband should not be making you feel like the problem. If he truly wants to remain friends with her, he should introduce you two and make it a comfortable situation...and if it cannot be then he should gladly and simply choose you. You are not the problem! Your husband is hiding something.


I like the solution that you have ended up with. I wish I could get my wife to be involved like that, maybe you can give me some advise on how to do that. She does not want to even talk with my exes and I know that she could be instrumental in advising them.


----------



## Distressed99

lonelyman said:


> LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would tend to disagree. I don't think it is a good idea to be friends with someone you have been intimate with. Far too easy to fall back into temptation when you have that sort of past. I think it is healthier to simply move on. Why chance it? I know I would not be happy if my husband was texting an ex-girlfriend and I don't care what it is about.


----------



## SeekingHope

My husband has been traveling for work since Sunday. I've seen no texts between them since then. But I don't know, they could be communicating another way so that he doesn't have to hear about it from me. I have no reason to believe that is the case, I'm just saying... at this point my mind is reeling.

I've come to this conclusion: Our first marriage counseling session is on August 8th. I plan to ignore any texts or communication I see between the two of them until then. He already knows how I feel about it, so harping on the topic is useless. My hope is that a counselor will be able to provide him with a perspective besides his own. And I fully expect that perspective to be a lot like that of everyone here - that he needs to straighten up, decide what is most important to him, and start putting my feelings first. Once he hears that from someone other than me, maybe it will click in that stubborn brain of his. If not, then I will know for sure that I have a whole other set of problems. 

Thanks to each and every one of you for all of your kind words and wise advise. More helpful than you could ever know!!


----------



## turnera

Lots of people buy throwaway phones for just that purpose - so the wife doesn't find out. 'It would only hurt her.' bleh


----------



## shaung

SeekingHope said:


> My husband has been traveling for work since Sunday. I've seen no texts between them since then. But I don't know, they could be communicating another way so that he doesn't have to hear about it from me. I have no reason to believe that is the case, I'm just saying... at this point my mind is reeling.
> 
> I've come to this conclusion: Our first marriage counseling session is on August 8th. I plan to ignore any texts or communication I see between the two of them until then. He already knows how I feel about it, so harping on the topic is useless. My hope is that a counselor will be able to provide him with a perspective besides his own. And I fully expect that perspective to be a lot like that of everyone here - that he needs to straighten up, decide what is most important to him, and start putting my feelings first. Once he hears that from someone other than me, maybe it will click in that stubborn brain of his. If not, then I will know for sure that I have a whole other set of problems.
> 
> Thanks to each and every one of you for all of your kind words and wise advise. More helpful than you could ever know!!


If the texts stopped when he left town, I would be highly suspicious that they are together. If they are together, no need to send texts.


----------



## SeekingHope

shaung said:


> If the texts stopped when he left town, I would be highly suspicious that they are together. If they are together, no need to send texts.


I can understand why you would think that - completely. But I know that he is not with her. He is working at a job site and is with his best friend. The two of them are even sharing a hotel room. I've talked to his friend's wife nearly everyday since they have been gone (we've become friends over the years), and she'll mention to me little things like "oh did your husband mention that they did XYZ today" or that they ate at this place or that. So I know he is where he says he is and with who he is supposed to be with. 

His best friend and his wife went through something similar to this three years ago, only in reverse, SHE was the one texting and emailing inappropriately. So I'm not concerned that his friend would help him to get away with anything bad either. If anything, quite the opposite. I think his friend would smack him up side the head. After everything his wife put him through and the hell they went through to keep their marriage together, I think he'd be pretty disappointed in my husband for this. I've considered telling him, but I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do. Your thoughts?


----------



## Jellybeans

Only you acn decide whether to tell him or not. And ultimately the problem lies with your husband.


----------



## seeker675

Jellybeans said:


> ^ That is wonderful and all but how would you feel about your wife texting her ex-boyfriend 86 times with pictures the day after your honeymoon?


You missed this part apparently:



> True love is eternal. Love is not jealous. Love is not selfish.


It appears to me that the OP is jealous. She also doesn't value is privacy either. 

As long as it doesn't cross the line to intimacy I see no harm in couples maintaining good friendships with the opposite sex if the couple has a strong relationship and if it is reasonable.

You can have lunch with an ex.

You can't have a romantic dinner by candlelight with an ex.

Make any sense?


----------



## SeekingHope

seeker675 said:


> You missed this part apparently:
> 
> 
> 
> It appears to me that the OP is jealous. She also doesn't value is privacy either.
> 
> As long as it doesn't cross the line to intimacy I see no harm in couples maintaining good friendships with the opposite sex if the couple has a strong relationship and if it is reasonable.
> 
> You can have lunch with an ex.
> 
> You can't have a romantic dinner by candlelight with an ex.
> 
> Make any sense?


I'm sorry. Apparently you missed the part where I said I didn't have any problem with him talking to his ex, my problem came in when he lied to me about it and hid it from me. He had been communicating with this ex our entire relationship and I did not mind. He was always up front with me about it. But suddenly he stopped telling me about it, then when I asked him about it, he lied and started hiding it. I do not think in a marriage you need to hide things from each other, it makes it look like you are up to something when possibly you are not. 

Why do you say that I don't value his privacy, could you please explain?


----------



## Jellybeans

seeker675 said:


> You missed this part apparently:
> 
> 
> 
> It appears to me that the OP is jealous. She also doesn't value is privacy either.
> 
> As long as it doesn't cross the line to intimacy I see no harm in couples maintaining good friendships with the opposite sex if the couple has a strong relationship and if it is reasonable.
> 
> You can have lunch with an ex.
> 
> You can't have a romantic dinner by candlelight with an ex.
> 
> Make any sense?


No. It doesn't make sense. But then, Seeker, you are currently involved in an affair so what you say falls right in line with where your head is currently at.

And I don't mean to offend, I am just calling a spade a spade.

It is HIGHLY inappropriate to be texing your ex nearly 100 times the day after your honeymoon and continuing contact after your spouse has asked you to stop.


----------



## Wheels65

SeekingHope I understand where you are at. The lies are what matter, not the texting itself. 

I was in a similar situation with my soon to be ex wife (we are in the divorce process now) and I came to realize that people make time for what is important to them. 

Not to be too granular but anything you do in life requires time, focus and effort. Where should a spouse's time, focus and effort be?

Spouses deserve time alone and privacy. But at the same time they should never continue in a behavior that hurts one another. Something like this happening at all much less right after your honeymoon is a red flag. An ex is just that, ex. Unless there are kids involved or some other type of direct family/career dynamic a situation that merits continued communication between two exes is questionable at best. And if there is that kind of real scenario the communication should always be appropriate and not hidden.

Don't count on a counselor to make him see a light. You can't control him and if I could turn back the clock in my situation I would have filed for divorce long ago. It was all just the tip of a very large iceberg for us. Wishing you both the best.


----------



## Chatterbell

Corkey88 said:


> Let's just get right to the point - it is completely inappropriate for a married man to be texting another woman, never mind that it is his ex-girlfriend! This has to stop and immediately.
> 
> He first needs to admit it was wrong. And frankly, if it bothers you, his wife, then he should just stop it, no explanation needed from you. If he refuses to stop it, you have much bigger issues in my opinion. He needs to respect you and he simply hasn't been by carrying on this conversation behind your back.
> 
> Secrecy and lies destroy relationships and marriages. Openness and transparency are needed and soon.
> 
> Best of luck


HI Corkey. My husband text and called his ex girlfriend 92 times in one month. He said they were talking but a car she wanted to buy and promised to break contact with her. He would get super cheesed off if i look at his phone but Trust was broken and I needed to trust him again. 2 Years later....I look on his tablet and find a message from the same ex gf, saying: "love, did you like your present xxxx". He thinks it's all my fault and that i drove him to contacting her again because I kept checking up on him after the 1st time.
He deleted her nr the previous time, and now, 2 yrs later....apparently remembered the number and contacted her.
My heart is broken, how can i ever trust him again, how can I ever let this marriage work out? He works away 2 months at a time at sea, which means he can contact her all he likes for a whole 2 months, before spending 1 month at home. He is a Christian, but really..... is this how he sees the Christian Marriage?? by hiding stuff from your wife and doing stuff behind her back?? And always blaming her when you are caught out and that this is all her fault???!!


----------

