# 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.



## bigfamily (Mar 11, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have 3 kids. I've always had a problem with my weight, but it has gotten much worse after I had the children. My husband always had a problem with me gaining weight, "joked" about it and made me feel bad many times. 
4 months ago I gave birth to my third baby, third c-section. My body looks awful, worse and worse after each surgery. Yesterday, my husband suggested me to get a liposuction. He told me that it will boost my self-esteem, and I have to understand that our society doesn't accept overweight women. The liposuction will make me feel better about myself and will make me look better. After this conversation, I feel worse and can't stop crying. Shouldn't he love me just the way I am? Shouldn't he watch what he say not to make me feel upset?
Am I wrong to feel this way? I can't talk to him or to my girlfriends about this because I feel embarassed. Please help.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Your husband has not right to tell you that society doesn't accept overweight women. How dare he? This is terrible you are the mother to his children and he should accept you for who you are. You have to stop crying and feel bad and do something for yourself but because you want to not because your husband or anyone else wants you too. Please don't allow him to make comments like that and as far as liposuction he is not a doctor and every surgery has a risk. He should not joke about any of this. You can do other things to loose weight. If he loves you he would help you not hurt you with stupid comments. Have you talk to a doctor about your weight? You can do other things to loose it. I suggest you tell your husband exactly how his comments make you feel and tell him to stop it. You are a human being and he needs to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. If he had the problem I am sure you would be helping him through this. So be honest with him and tell him how you feel and then see what happens but also if you think your weight is the problem talk to an expert about it and ask him if he would come with you. Good luck and hope you feel better!!!


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## bigfamily (Mar 11, 2010)

Thank you. I've spoken to him about my feelings, but nothing works. He knows that I get upset about his comments. He also knows that I'm struggling with various weight issues. He actually believes that he's helping me by offering a liposuction. I just feel like I'm constantly talking to a wall with him.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

Then this is a problem. Offering the liposuction is not the only answer. He has to listen to you and respect your feelings. Has he offered any other help? It seems to me that you are crying out to him and he doesn't listen. Have you consider marriage counseling?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

He needs lipo on his brain. You gave him 3 kids. You shouldn't tolerate that and every time he says something like that without a consequence from you he will do it again and again.


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## tia41 (Mar 10, 2010)

I agree with Martino. You need to stand up for yourself and you need to do that soon. Stop him now and be strong.


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## bigfamily (Mar 11, 2010)

He offered to help in other ways too. I just feel that this is my problem and I should be the one dealing with it not him. May be I'm wrong to think this way, but I'm a very private person and this is a private matter that he shouldn't be a part of. He complained to me that I'm not willing to share my feelings, but this is how I am and I believe it should be respected. Unfortunately, he's not willing to back off. I'm afraid it will eventually end in a divorce.


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## bigfamily (Mar 11, 2010)

We had 2 girls and he really wanted a boy. So I agreed to try again and we finally got a boy. The 3rd c-section screwed me up physically even more and now he's talking about another invasive procedure. He trully believes that it's 100 percent safe. I don't feel that way.


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## bigfamily (Mar 11, 2010)

Thank you for talking to me. It made me feel a lot better. I was really depressed this morning. Didn't even go out with the baby. I'm much better now. Thanks a lot.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

> ... Am I wrong to feel this way ....


There is no wrong way to _feel_.



> ... I've always had a problem with my weight ... my body looks awful, worse and worse after each surgery.


If you don't like the way you look, there are ways to improve it. However, nobody looks perfect. There is a balance between finding a way to "look the way that will make you happy" and finding a way "be happy the way that you look."



> ... Shouldn't he love me just the way I am?


Of course he loves you the way you are. Only a monster would stop loving a woman based on her looks. However, what you really want to know is not if he loves you, but rather if he is in love with you:



> ... Shouldn't he _*be in love with me*_ just the way I am?


No. Of course not.

"love" + "desire" = "in love"

Where does desire come from?

In 99% of marriages, desire comes from a spouse as a "sex object". What does that mean?

Female "sex object" = youth, fitness, body curves, attractiveness, slim build, breast size, firmness of behind, etc.

Male "sex object" = resources, success, ambition, confidence, money, power, dominance, etc.

How does this help you?

First, try to see the problem for what it is. There is nothing wrong with you. There is also nothing wrong with your husband. There is something broken in the connection that binds the two of you together. It is usually very easy to fix.

Second, your husband loves you as much in a size 18 body as he does in a size 6. This is not about love. Neither is it about sex. It is about desire. Desire is a dimly lit abandoned parking lot that connects love and sex ... unfortunately, our culture is so afraid of admitting the importance of desire that most people pretend that it does not exist. You are not the only couple that have a problem with this. I have lost count of how many times I have advised desperate men on these boards to read "man up" books in order to act more dominant, masculine, and confident so as to re-ignite their wife's desire. You can blame the 200 years of Victorian neglect of a huge part of what makes us human. Desire is the bridge between love and sexuality. When we ignore it, it comes back and whacks us on the head.

Good luck.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Boy is this reply ever presumtious. :scratchhead:


How does this help you?

_First, try to see the problem for what it is. _ There is nothing wrong with you. There is also nothing wrong with your husband. There is something broken in the connection that binds the two of you together. It is usually very easy to fix.

_Second, your husband loves you _as much in a size 18 body as he does in a size 6. This is not about love. Neither is it about sex. It is about desire. Desire is a dimly lit abandoned parking lot that connects love and sex ... unfortunately, our culture is so afraid of admitting the importance of desire that most people pretend that it does not exist. You are not the only couple that have a problem with this. I have lost count of how many times I have advised desperate men on these boards to read "man up" books in order to act more dominant, masculine, and confident so as to re-ignite their wife's desire. You can blame the 200 years of Victorian neglect of a huge part of what makes us human. Desire is the bridge between love and sexuality. When we ignore it, it comes back and whacks us on the head.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

martino said:


> Boy is this reply ever presumtious.


You are confusing what should be with what is.

I am a strong proponent of aggressively moving past seeing each other as sex objects.

Until that day comes, people have to live their lives within the world as it is.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If I follow, you can quite honestly say something like this:

Honey, having kids did a number on my body. I know that. I'm not very happy with how I look right now either. But I think of this as _my_ problem, for _me_ to work on. You can help, and when I need your help I'll ask. Maybe I'll want you to watch the kids while I go out for a bike ride, or I'll want you to fix my bike, or I'll want you to come with us when we walk to a playground. I will tell you when you can help.

I understand that you're not as attracted to me right now as you might be. I want to be more attractive to you; we both want the same thing here. But you harping on my weight, and suggesting liposuction is not helping. And you have to understand that my body has just been through 5 years of childbearing. I'm not going to be able to fix 5 years of wear and tear in 3 months, or 6 months. Getting my muscles back into condition and losing the excess fat may take a while. I understand your desire for an attractive wife, and I will work to satisfy it. But it's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to go faster just because you keep talking about it.

I have to feel energized to go out and exercise. When you keep bringing this up, it drains my energy away. I know work has to be done. I am doing it as my ability increases. As time goes on, I expect my health to continue to recover, and that's all to the good. But for this to work, you have to stop nagging. I live in this body; I'm aware of it all the time. There is nothing you can tell me about it that I don't already know. Stop helping me until I ask for it.​
Then, at some point, be SURE you ask for his help with something. When you take the kids out to eat, you go to McDonald's or someplace and get them happy meals, and send him to Subway for a veggie sub the two adults can split, and you all meet somewhere there's a picnic table. Have him fix your old bike, or find you one on Craigslist or eBay. He wants to be useful. If you've talked about getting in better shape before, he probably interpreted that as you asking for his help already. (Deborah Tannen's book _You Just Don't Understand_ discusses that women sometimes talk just to be heard, while men interpret all such talk as a request to help solve a problem. She says this confusion causes difficulties.)

He wants to be helpful. Find something for him to do besides nagging and suggesting liposuction, and maybe he'll do that instead.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You cannot physically desire someone without seeing them as a sex object. Your post about "desire" is simply the act of seeing someone and wanting them. You don't see them as leprachaun or a skyscraper do you?? they are a sex object. (why do I bother?) 

This has nothing to do with OP's post anyway. Her hubby needs to be outed on his ass and do some growing up. Or she needs to meet someone that loves her.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

martino said:


> You cannot physically desire someone without seeing them as a sex object.


Yes you can. It happens all the time. Most times it happens in a bad way, leading to some dysfunction. Some people start to equate desire with pain. Or with a physical object. Or pornography. It is not so difficult to re-direct these same mechanisms so that desire is re-defined on your terms. Maybe a way of smiling, or a memory. It does not matter. Once you learn to de-couple the origins of desire from your biological heritage, and re-define it as you choose, you can do this again as often as you like. This way, you will always desire the person who you love, because your desire will be a matter of choice. It is an act of will.



> This has nothing to do with OP's post anyway. Her hubby needs to be outed on his ass and do some growing up. Or she needs to meet someone that loves her.


She will simply end up with the same problem again. Also, with three small children, leaving her husband is unlikely to be the solution.

Desire is just too easy to re-kindle. Why turn her life upside down and throw her family in the food processor, when a few simple steps are all that is needed?

When a train de-rails, you don't re-build the train. You put it back on the track and move on.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You are talking about her husband re-training himself to desire her again. He doesn't see her as a sex object but the goal is to actually see her as a sex object. Plain and simple. You prefer side stepping words and mentalistic terms, I see it as behavior or lack there-of. Everyone's problems here are a result of too much or not enough behavior. Everyone's successes are a result of a past negative behavior becoming positive. Everyone's problems are a result of a past behaviors that were positive replaced with new negative behaviors and the resulting consequences. This whole board is simply an elaborate switchboard of behaviors in people's lives. In my opinion, to see it any other way invites confusion.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

martino said:


> You are talking about her husband re-training himself to desire her again. ... I see it as behavior or lack there-of.


I think you are correct. If you fix the behaviour, over time the underlying emotion can change to match. If her husband can force himself to say "I find you very attractive" instead of "you repulse me, get liposuction" eventually he will begin to feel that way. This is true. It is one of many viable ways in which the husband can re-train his emotions.

Unfortunately, the husband is not here. The wife is here. She cannot re-train his emotions for him. Her decision matrix is confined to (1) leave him, (2) convince him to change, or (3) adapt.

As I said before, her circumstances mean she cannot easily leave him.

Persuading him to change his view might be viable, except for one problem. She is as unhappy with her appearance as her husband is.

Ultimately, the challenge for this marriage is to stop having sex, and to start making love instead. This cannot happen until the husband begins to feel desire for his wife. There are many ways in which this might happen.

In my opinion, the easiest way is for the wife to learn to appreciate and care for her own body.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Once she gets her confidence together and develops a more confident and sexy self, they need to stop making love and start having sex. Hot steamy, hair pulling sex. Multi orgasm flashing lights kind of sex. Quickie in the restaurant bathroom kind of sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WARNING - BLUNT MESSAGE BELOW - DIPLOMACY FILTERS OFF

Martino,
I am confused by your posts. Her unhealthy lifestyle gave her a weight problem to START. And having babies exacerbated the problem she already had. This is almost totally about her behaviors - or as you put it her lack of positive behaviors. She is headed toward adult onset diabetes which is really destructive. 

As for leaving her H - in the dating marketplace - fat women with 3 kids are not valued by desirable males. This is just reality. 

When you marry you join EVERYTHING including your bodies. There is no his/her body there is now a shared marital body which she is not showing respect for. 

I do agree with her that lipo is a bad way to go - it is also true that she is not taking ownership of this problem and really working on it. 





martino said:


> You are talking about her husband re-training himself to desire her again. He doesn't see her as a sex object but the goal is to actually see her as a sex object. Plain and simple. You prefer side stepping words and mentalistic terms, I see it as behavior or lack there-of. Everyone's problems here are a result of too much or not enough behavior. Everyone's successes are a result of a past negative behavior becoming positive. Everyone's problems are a result of a past behaviors that were positive replaced with new negative behaviors and the resulting consequences. This whole board is simply an elaborate switchboard of behaviors in people's lives. In my opinion, to see it any other way invites confusion.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> When you marry you join EVERYTHING including your bodies. There is no his/her body there is now a shared marital body which she is not showing respect for.


It has never been that way and never will be. The "shared" body was always the woman's--and by "sharing," all that was meant was giving men control over it. Women have never had equal access to control over male bodies. Mem, I think you are just trying to justify shallowness when you say things like this. When men start pushing out babies and have a long history of lack of control over their own bodies, they will understand why this is such an offensive statement. 

You men can assert all you want that you are "visual" and the whole shallowness thing is, therefore, out of your hands. Everything in history pretty much belies that. What is pleasing is culturally determined, not biologically. Standards of beauty change over time and place. Not so long ago, women considerably heavier than the modern standard were considered beautiful. Today's athletic woman would not appeal visually to men from an earlier time. If you don't believe it, go look at images of the "beauties" of earlier times and at the art work of the female form painted by some of history's greatest artists.


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

Big Family - I feel sorry for you. You just gave birth, please relax yourself, tune up to be fit again and then start a diet and exercise plan. I am telling you from personal experience that my husband's behavior didn't change when I gained or lost couple of pounds. He just loves me for who I am. But when I exercise and wear good clothes it makes me feel good about myself. Women need to feel good about their bodies and mind to be confident and to be in control. That's just the way society is and I am sorry your husband believes in the outer beauty to see you as desirable. But because you want to be in this marriage, for your kids and to be happy, start with little. Turn the table around. Make yourself feel good- you can do it; do some shopping, create that interest; look at other attractive women; however shallow it may sound it is really hard to find a man or woman now a days who go for inner beauty of the soul. It is easier said than done, but only you can do it. I have seen women who are extremely attractive and their husbands are very insecure. Everyone has different challenges and experiences. But we all have to fight to survive. You gave him this security and only you can make him insecure. Instead of taking this as an insult try to lose for yourself and your kids, for healthy lifestyle and confidence. My whole life I have been overweight (8-14 size) but nothing came between me and my confidence. I don't let anyone dictate to me what should be done. I do what I feel like and no one can touch me. Good luck to you!


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