# Ladies please help a struggling guy out



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Not asking for pity, but don't want to be scolded either  I left my hs sweetheart for my current wife. My wife and I get along fine and she is really good to me (although I admit to being a little too moody), but I still am crushed by guilt over what I did to my ex. I have already apologized to my ex. I don't feel like I want to be with her still, it is just the guilt over what I did that I can't get away from. My ex has since married and I am happy for her. How do I forgive myself or do I even deserve to forgive myself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Break-ups are normal and they happen everyday. She's moved on and now it's time for you to as well. If you can't I suggest you see a counselor to work through why you feel so guilty for something that is so very normal. I mean you can't marry two women you had to choose so you did. No biggie.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You apologized her and she apparently accepted your apology. You also made reparation by letting her know how remorseful you are. 

Few people do that and it is a testament to your good heart. I know that your apology whet a long way in healing the hurt which really never goes away. If she forgives you then you need to forgive yourself and never do anything of the kind again. 

One thing I have to ask is - if you shared your angst and the letter with your wife.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Yes I showed the letter to my wife and she knows how I feel. She said it was important I reach out and was glad I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You think you are too important, and you are overestimating your significance in your ex's life and underestimating her. Sounds like she got over you just fine! As another already said, break-ups are normal. It isn't the end of the world for anyone. Leave her alone; she doesn't need to assuage your guilt for you. Get counseling to learn how to deal with it yourself. You can't always apologize--what will you do then if you haven't learned to forgive yourself?


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

It was never me underestimating her. I never thought she wasn't over me. I am not guilty over that. I haven't spoke to the ex in over a year now so we don't talk. But you guys don't think I should feel guilty about it? I feel like sometimes some of my family still judges me for it and then that all starts the cycle again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe you could try to get some counselling if it's a guilt that doesn't go away.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh so it's FAMILY guilt not necessarily yours. Ok thats different. Yep you need to go to a counselor because you need some help cutting the apron strings. Your family is not the one that promises to love, honor till death do you part you do. It's your life dude not theirs.

Do I think you should feel guilty? No. I've dumped plenty of guys and have been dumped myself. Its called "dating". I don't care if you dumped her at the alter it's still okay. Better to do that than ruin 2 people's lives. Besides she's married now. She's over it why can't you be over it?


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

It is family guilt and it is mine too. That just flares it up. Also, I didn't leave her at the alter but we were engaged so maybe that has something to do with it. I got engaged because I felt pressure to "make that next step" in life but I wasn't happy in the relationship. I found someone else I clicked with and chose her instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Were you cheating on her for a long time?

It's probably best you didn't go through with the marriage because it sounds like you only did it cause your family wanted to, not for the right reasons. You have apologized to her and she accepted and so all you can do is move on. Again, I think counselling or talking to a clergy member if you are religious, may help.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Unfortunately I cheated on her quite frequently. I pinned that partially on being pretty young when we dated. But mainly on the fact I was looking for a different kind of woman. I have not cheated on my wife and really don't talk to many girls in my personal life now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long did you cheat on her with your now-wife for?


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

About 6 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Well you run the risk of you or your wife cheating at some time in the relationship. A propensity to cheat is always there. It show a tendency to disregard the feelings of others if your feelings get in the way. Your wife has the same tendency. 

She was able to engage in cheating and hurting your fiancee. If she was not the kind of person to put her feeling before devastating another, she would have asked you to do the right thing and leave your fiancee if you cared for her. 

She is the kind of person who can do that so, you may have that as a possibility in 10 or maybe 15 years when the relationship hits a rough spot and she meets some guy at work. 

So in the end, your gilt may be assuaged if you or your wife experience the devastation of cheating and abandonment.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

That's the thing. We seem to trust each other so much and it isn't even an issue in our relationship. Not to say it couldn't be an issue down the road like you mentioned. But why would any guilt go away if one of us cheated? Because we would see how it feels? By the way, I know for a fact my ex had talked to other guys before we got engaged (possibly another reason why the relationship broke down). Not sure if any of it became sexual but she was one to constantly flirt (and flaunt) for guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Why did you get married if you still felt this guilty over an Ex?


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

That was a mistake I made, but I can not do anything about that now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Guilt is punishing yourself because you believe that you deserve it. If you experience the same pain that you inflicted, you may feel on some level that you paid your debt and that the wheel of life has come full circle. 

Ummmmm the trust thing. Although you two did not cheat on each other, your did cheat and any prudent person would trust but verify with former cheaters. 

Your in the in-love exciting stage now, everything is perfect and you are thrilled with each other. Eyes only for each other. Temptation from others may be dormant now. 

When that period is over then the real challenges start. There will be temptations, as you know, there always are. The non-cheater actively avoids compromising ther union by not dwelling on people whom they find attractive. 

The former cheater on the other hand, may have a hard time denying themselves the pleasure of basking in an exciting pursuit and secret liaison. They are willing to risk hurting their partner because they did it before and gained by it, the way you and your wife did. 

Thats why you should keep your eyes open and trust but always verify. :circle:


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

We have been together long enough now to be out of the "exciting stage." I am not so worried about cheating right now, but will worry about that if and when that bridge needs to be crossed. I know that if that were to become an issue it would be with me before it was her, so I hold control of that destiny. My whole thing is still the guilt right now and you are probably right that I think I need to punish myself. Just wish I could stop that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

needadviceplease1 said:


> We have been together long enough now to be out of the "exciting stage." I am not so worried about cheating right now, but will worry about that if and when that bridge needs to be crossed. I know that if that were to become an issue it would be with me before it was her, so I hold control of that destiny. My whole thing is still the guilt right now and you are probably right that I think I need to punish myself. Just wish I could stop that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: this gave me such a good laugh. you are headed for problems if you think you have control. You made a slip there. Your concern about guilt appears to be bogus. 

A man who is guilty would say something like "I could never hurt any one the way I hurt my ex, so I am over cheating, I don't want to feel this guilty again". 

You don't need help with feelings of guilt, you need help with your values and assumptions. You need to be more honorable, have real concern for the feelings of others and not just the appearance of it, you need to respect woman and get over your self. 

I think your real issue is that your family members have lost respect for you. Isn't that it? You don't care that you cheated do you? You care that feel that your family has discovered what kind of man you are. I wonder what they or your wife would think after reading your last post. Would you show that to your wife and family? 

You glibly assume that you have the cheating option in your present relationship. I think you would be shocked that your wife is keeping her options open too. You married someone like you remember, she has your values. 

I think every single man that I read on this forum with a wife who cheated on them said exactly the same thing you said here. They are absolutely sure their wife would not cheat.

Yet the latest stats are that women are cheating 40% and men 50%. The number for men has remained steady over many years but the rate for woman have increased every year since the surveys have been conducted. The latest was a few years ago so there may be near parity between men and woman at this time. 

In addition, did you know that family DNA studies show that 17% of children in families are not related to the father but he is not aware. So you have no more control over the dynamics than your wife. 

Then my last point is this - Who do you think all those men are having affairs with? Single hot 20 year olds? Men are not usually math-challenged, until it comes to sex of course.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

You are right I should not have said that, and honestly I don't feel that way. All I meant by it was that I feel as long as I uphold my end of the relationship and don't cheat and treat my wife well, I hope that will be reciprocated. And I don't see that being a problem with us.

You are probably right about my family finding out about that. Which brings a certain amount of shame which leads to guilt. But that doesn't tell me how to stop feeling that way lol. 

And did you really need to bust out the little laughing out loud guy geez? lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

needadviceplease1 said:


> You are right I should not have said that, and honestly I don't feel that way. All I meant by it was that I feel as long as I uphold my end of the relationship and don't cheat and treat my wife well, I hope that will be reciprocated. And I don't see that being a problem with us.
> 
> You are probably right about my family finding out about that. Which brings a certain amount of shame which leads to guilt. But that doesn't tell me how to stop feeling that way lol.
> 
> ...


Face it head on. The problem is loss of face with members of your family. They hold you accountable for your bad behavior, that is not unusual for parents. You are a reflection of them and if your behavior was dishonorable then they may feel that they failed as parents. 

Would speaking with both your parents help? Get it out in the open about what they feel about you. Tell them that you regret bringing this to their door and you want never to do anything to disappoint them again. It will take time but live your life without lies, self or any one else deception, disrespect of women. 

There are no real slips of the tongue, you meant what you said when you wrote about your options. you may not want to show yourself in that light but, that seems to be what you have in mind. I am certain your wife has no idea that you think this way. That amazes me, she married a guy who cheated on a woman he made a commitment to and she thinks that she is special and you won't do the same to her. You two are alike in that respect, niether of you think the other will cheat because each is certain that they are special in the others eyes. 

I don't think you have a pure heart when it comes to your relationship with women. Having secrets and distorted ideas of your control decreases intimacy, she does not know the real you. Your wife is probably hiding important attitudes from you too. Especially as she has you convinced that you have no worries about her cheating.

About the ex - you justified your betrayal of her in one of your post, she flirted or cheated on you. So you actually seem to feel she got what she deserved. Your guilt is a veneer it is not very deep so it will pass easily. I think you should work on you - deepen your feelings, compassion for women, and connectedness with your wife. Make it right with your family and really become a man they can be proud of not the appearance of that man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Ok. I'll try to make things right. I hope I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It does sound like a lot of your guilt stems from feeling ashamed of what you did and the fact that your family did not give you their blessing. I am guessing they really liked your fiancee and maybe don't like your now-wife as much?

How long have you been married to your wife now?

Have you ever discussed with her the guilt you feel about cheating on your fiancee? Has she ever expressed guilt for playing a part in the cheating as well?

I think it would probably help you to discuss with your family this feeling you have and how you feel badly for what you did. Did you apologize to your fiance? If you haven't, you should do that as well. Make amends for what you did to her. 



needadviceplease1 said:


> I am not so worried about cheating right now, but will worry about that if and when that bridge needs to be crossed. I know that if that were to become an issue it would be with me before it was her, so I hold control of that destiny.


Needed, thinking this way is incredibly presumptuos. Truth is, you can only control what you do. What your wife chooses to do is another issue entirely. So if you don't cheat, that is on you. If she doesn't, that is on her. But please don't be so naive as to think that only you control that and that only you could cheat, that she never would. Please understand that.

I still say you should get some counselling to deal with your guilt.


----------



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Seems some on here are picking apart your every word. The fact is when you cheated on your ex with your now wife, you were not married! You made a choice, would it of been better to of gotten married because of your family pressures, then cheated, hell no! I do not condone cheating, but for crying out load don't let the people on here point fingers at you and make you feel worse for the choice you made. 

And no one can speak to the character of your wife. I do not buy the thought that because she knew you were in a relationship, therefore knew you were a 'cheater' implies the fact that she does not have her own morals and will one day cheat on you when you have problems, it doesn't even mean that you are destined to cheat. You took the vows now, you know what that means, you DID NOT take the vows back then. Take it for what it is, you fell in love with someone else, someone's heart got broken in the process, but she has healed, she has moved on, and so should you. And think about this...you will think hard and long in the future when 'tempted' to cheat having known the guilt you are still feeling over this, just because you did it in the past does not make you destined to do it again. I know some will say 'once a cheater always a cheater,' personally i think this is crap, people can and do change. Just my opinion.

You sound like a decent guy, let the guilt go.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stumblealong said:


> I know some will say 'once a cheater always a cheater,' personally i think this is crap, people can and do change. Just my opinion.
> 
> You sound like a decent guy, let the guilt go.


I also don't agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater." He does need to deal with guilt in an effective way and I do believe it stems from a lot of shame that he feels about it. If he confronts that shame he feels re: his family then he can deal w/ it better. Because that is where the issue seems to have largely originated from (them not being happy he cheated and subsequently married his now-wife)

.


----------



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Just wanted to add, to your wife's defense. I know several women who have no problem dating a guy that is in a relationship. They feel if he hasn't got the ring, he is fair game. but they NEVER mess with a married man. This is where they draw the line. If you were married at the time, your wife prob wouldn't of had anything to do with you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stumblealong said:


> . If you were married at the time, your wife prob wouldn't of had anything to do with you.


The only person who knows that is his wife. There is no way you can predict what she would have or would not have done. 

But that is a non-issue at this point. His issue is his guilt which he can't seem to assuage. 

Needed, maybe you could try writing a letter to yourself saying why you did what you did and forgiving yourself. I know that sounds weird but it could help.


----------



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The only person who knows that is his wife. There is no way you can predict what she would have or would not have done.
> 
> But that is a non-issue at this point. His issue is his guilt which he can't seem to assuage.
> 
> Needed, maybe you could try writing a letter to yourself saying why you did what you did and forgiving yourself. I know that sounds weird but it could help.


I agree that we cannot predict what she would of done...just saying some women have this way of thinking, I should of said she may of not gotten with you if you were married.

I think the writing is a great idea. You can get a lot off your chest by writing it out, I don't think this is weird at all


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I know this is the ladies forum, but I am going to chirp up here...just to have that one guys perspective to another guy...

Ok. Grow some nuts already and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can't change the past. You can only learn from it. Your ex already forgave you....so get over it already. You know what's going to happen with your current wife if u keep this lame self pity going and it continues to consume your thoughts. Your wife you MARRIED is going to get really pissed off with you for why you can't get over an ex. Yes, she was understanding at the start, but that won't last. Eventually, it will turn into resentment...and then you really WILL find out if your wife is capable of cheating.

Grow up. Start being a man and own your problems. Learn from it, then get over it. THEN...maybe you should consider using all that energy your wasting on your self pity and focus it on treating your wife with love and intimacy. The payback on the latter will pay bigger dividends in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

stumblealong said:


> Just wanted to add, to your wife's defense. I know several women who have no problem dating a guy that is in a relationship. They feel if he hasn't got the ring, he is fair game. but they NEVER mess with a married man. This is where they draw the line. If you were married at the time, your wife prob wouldn't of had anything to do with you.


I know a few women that have absolutely no issues with dating a married man.....my wife being one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> I know a few women that have absolutely no issues with dating a married man.....my wife being one of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So sorry. 

These women that will not touch a married man, but consider a man fair game even when in a relationship...well, these women aren't looked upon too highly either. Man snatchers is what they are referred too at work, but at least they have a line drawn on how far they will go, I guess. sucks for the gf who's man is getting snatched away, tho.

my only point in bringing these things up, is that the OP is feeling soooo guilty, I was trying to give a little perspective that maybe what he did does not warrant all the guilt. He did not take the vows afterall, he just chose the woman he fell for.


----------



## MandyLou (May 6, 2011)

Ok. You deserve to feel guilty for cheating. You do something bad, you feel guilty, that is the natural order of things.

Try looking into yourself for something you could do that is a good thing. Think of it as giving something good to the world in reparation for the bad thing(s) you did. Once you find something that makes you feel like it is the equivalent, do it, and put the badness behind you.


----------



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Y'know what? Love is forever. People all try to push with their move on this and that, but the truth of the matter is, connections we make, people we have loved, even if the relationship changes or nullifies entirely, it imprints us. And that's natural. Sometimes guilt, or attraction, or loathing, or whatever it is for that particular person, just doesn't ever go away. Maybe if you can accept that, it just is what it is and you have learned from it, it will help to assuage your guilt a little.


----------



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I still go through waves of being OK and then feeling guilty. It's a good idea for me to confront my family I just have to muster the courage. Although they have got better since they have been able to see how suportive and good my wife is to me. Do any of you know any couples that got together as an EA and then ended up staying together? I wasn't married when I met my wife but pretty close.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

