# please dont judge me



## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

Hello 

New to this site.

Issue - Married for 3.5 years. No kids. We were a good couple everything changed in a month. She loves me so much (thats what she says) and wants me to be successful but she said she doesnt see a future as she started seeing life in a different perspective (finding truth of life and death). She doesnt want to be in this relationship or any realtionship for that matter. she wants to travel and dont want to tied up in family and commitments. She wants to leave and enjoy the life like that and want us to be friends and she says that i am her best friend. She also said i am emotionally locking her up and she believes she cant be committed to the relationship. It went on for a month. After that she said the marriage is over. I dont know what to do. i asked her why - her reply was its not working and she wants to be on her own. I suggested why cant we take this as a break. She half-heartedly said yes but i dont think she really meant it. I doubt she already made her mind up

Strangely she is friends with lot of collegues and lot of texting flying around with them. Not to one. its like 5/6 of them. She never texted or talked so much but by seeing her activity shocks me a bit. But she is not the type of persons who sleeps around. She just pulled by people, incidents etc. She just follows her heart.

The problem was there for 3 months and i spent christmas/new year in the house but nothing interesting happend as i talked about the same thing as its ridiculous of leaving the marriage and being such a selfish person. It made me angry but i know her and i love her and her hinesty so i want her back.

I liked their mom/dad but i hate them now as they let her daughter decide on the marriage not even suggesting think thats bad idea. i tried to talk to them they think i am trying to find answers which isnt there. This shows their stupidity as its my marriage to save not theirs. they are behaving like *******s and told me that its over and they said my wife is sure about the decision and they blamed me that i am confused. It looks like they know more about our relationship than me. 

we are on a break on now as i asked but there was no response when i mailed her saying take this a break. we havent spoken to each other for few days and i am going to wait for few more weeks. but i dont think she will come back as she is stubborn and just believe what she is doing is right

there was also a problem i get prank calls and mails saying that leave us alone etc. but its not true as it comes from dodgy IDs. People might say she is cheating. no thats not true but she is lying to me now a lot. on that i caught her talking for 2 hrs with someone but she said she was talking to family. i know it will make you doubt. but i give the benefit of the doubt as i know the person (or thats what i think)

1]When i got the prank call - she started speaking good so i lied more about the prank call & mail. But its lost it value. Should i leave it or tell her i am still getting calls so that she will try and speak properly atleast?

2]i want to see her on valentines day - will it be a mistake?

3] forum people might say she is cheating. i dont believe in that as there were lot more opportunity for her to do that than now. she said i cant stop calling her to prove her wrong i am not going to contact her for another 30 days or so. will it make any difference?

4] i know this is bad but i am weighing my opetion to trick my wife. as i said she spoke properly after the prank call incident. should i make it little bit strong lik mailing from her friends ID or someone related to her or hers ID saying leave me alone. If i do this there is a possibility that she will accept the affair if she has one or a chance of getting back together out of pity but it will be alright in a week. i know i am trying to build a relationship on a lie but its worth risking as she is the best. Shoudl i do or not?

5] i feel her mom/dad or not helping. she is talking to them a lot and i guess they are just listening and suggest something good about the break up. how shoud i get rid of them. i dont think i can but her mom is a b**ch

6] any other suggestions please as i want her back for good as i want to start a family with her. 

my 4th point might be horrible but i might do just to get her back even if it takes lot of home work and just lying to her to get her back. i might not as i want her to be happy too. i know she isnt playing games as she is not that type of person. so i dont see a point of waiting. thats why i want to for the killer remedy of making some ****..

please dont judge that i am very bad person. - no i am not just a husband want his wife back soon

thank you very much for reading my post

excuse my words and ideas

sejar


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

The only advice I want to offer right now-no matter how desparate you are, do NOT lie or make things up to get her back! You do not want a relationship based on lies! The truth always comes out in the end. Don't beg her either. Begging will only make her see you as weak and pitiful at this stage. The only thing that MIGHT work in such a situation as yours is the element of surprise, meaning, she needs to see some behvior from you which is not what she expects. Do something out of the ordinary. State your true feelings, that you love her and don't want her to leave and then ignore her. She will do what she wants, in the end, anyway...at least this way, you might surprise her with your actions of indifference, and cause her to have to stop and think things over. As long as you are fighting with her, she has control. If she sees that you are not reacting, she loses some control and might panic a bit and force herself to stop and really think things over.
I also suggest that you stop and ask yourself if possibly you are smothering her, unintentionally.
Good luck


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

I might have suffocated her - but i dont know but nothing planned though. i dont understand this relationship's priciple & tactics & play games.

I want her to be happy & independent but all of a sudden anyone cant turn around and say i want to leave as i dont want to be in a relationship and you have to leave and i dont want to give reasons. thats confusing as it sounds.

waiting might work - will work or may not work as there is no problem in this issue. Thats why i thought if its not going to work why not make it work by make her feel little bit guity and take it from ther. Yes i know everyone will think if you are trying the negative way you are not suitable for her. i might accept it in an ordinary scenario but this isnt like this as i am the one with pain.

atleast few men will accept where i am coming from

sejar


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I understand your pain and am sorry....I am merely saying that whatever you've been doing hasn't worked so do something different and out of the ordinary to your typical behavior..this might make her stop and THINK!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You see many instances play out on these boards that are just like yours. The more you push to be with her at this point the more she will push you away. This has nothing to do with her thinking you don't love her or won't pursue her or fight for your marriage, she already knows this by now and it isn't working. I promise you that if you continue down the road you are on, you have 0 chance of her comming back too you. 

Stop chasing, if you have any chance at all it will be by working on yourself. Get a hobbie, start working out, going out with friends, make yourself seem not so desperate (there is not a woman alive that is attracted to desperation). You need to come to the realization that she is most likely not comming back and you need to let her see that you will be ok with this. I know this sucks but it is the only chance you have, you will never be able to guilt your way back into a life with her.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

uphillbattle said:


> You see many instances play out on these boards that are just like yours. The more you push to be with her at this point the more she will push you away. This has nothing to do with her thinking you don't love her or won't pursue her or fight for your marriage, she already knows this by now and it isn't working. I promise you that if you continue down the road you are on, you have 0 chance of her comming back too you.
> 
> Stop chasing, if you have any chance at all it will be by working on yourself. Get a hobbie, start working out, going out with friends, make yourself seem not so desperate (there is not a woman alive that is attracted to desperation). You need to come to the realization that she is most likely not comming back and you need to let her see that you will be ok with this. I know this sucks but it is the only chance you have, you will never be able to guilt your way back into a life with her.


Amen to that. This is what I'm saying.


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

alright- i understand. we live in different cities. she is not going to contact and i cant contact her. how she will know that i am happy & doing my own things. How long it will take - i know it depends on a person. can anyone have a guess how long it will take in my case?

can i just see her on valentines day and give some flowers. will it make any difference of good or bad

as i am doing and you guys said i am not contacting her and i have started taking driving, boxing lessons and also started learning a new language

the whole thing started from hers why and what is the reason of this situation. can anyone see anything which i cant understand


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

May I ask, do you want her back if she is involved with someone else?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Turn away from her and walk in the other direction and plan a life without her.
She is trying to keep you in the loop as insurance should her new planned life not work out.
Just turn and walk away. 
Thankfully you didn't have children with her yet and only have three years of marriage under the belt.
It hurts like crazy but it isn't worth putting effort into saving and besides, she knows where and how to find you if she snaps out of it.

You will feel grief and angst so be prepared. But, you would feel that if you wanted to win her back to you too.

Great marriages can be ruined in the snap of a finger. Even they are vulnerable to destruction. It is sobering. It is sad (understatement).


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

Dellia said:


> May I ask, do you want her back if she is involved with someone else?


she is not involved with anyone aand as far as i know she is not kind of that person. but if she is involved i dont know what i should do. most probably leave her but i would like to know thats all. thats why i want to check her emails but i am not doing eventhough i know the password and everything


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

chattycathy said:


> Turn away from her and walk in the other direction and plan a life without her.
> She is trying to keep you in the loop as insurance should her new planned life not work out.
> Just turn and walk away.
> Thankfully you didn't have children with her yet and only have three years of marriage under the belt.
> ...


yes you are right i am planning but i do think about her. may be i will get over soon but cant at the moment as its hurts big times


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

talktorajes said:


> she is not involved with anyone aand as far as i know she is not kind of that person. but if she is involved i dont know what i should do. most probably leave her but i would like to know thats all. thats why i want to check her emails but i am not doing eventhough i know the password and everything



You have her passwords and have not checked her emails? Under these circumstances, you have every right. Could it be you are scared to look because of what you might find out?
To say someone is not the type to cheat is not realistic. I agree that some people are less prone, less likely, but as long as she is a living, breathing, human being, then she is capable.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

No one thinks that their spouse is the kind to cheat, otherwise they wouldn't have married them. I don't know why you don't think she is the type - big red flag is her communication with "friends" increased as the marriage deteriorated.

I would check the email, I would pull her phone records. Find out who she is talking to and why. I think you will be surprised at what you find.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I want to judge you so bad, but I won't sinse you asked!

I do suggest you let her go and find the things that will make you a healthier man, go work out, or start a hobby, but get out and start living.

When she comes back and has gotten "it" out of her system, you want to show her a confident man that can live his own life with out needing others. So please get out there and live for your self.

So often people want what they don't have and there will be a time that your W no longer sees the man she left but a new confident man that may move on with out her.

Until she sees this confident man she will always know that you will be around when she is ready. Turn this around and be the man that may or may not take here back as you move on to better prospects.

Look at the 180 plan it will help you put up some walls that will protect your emotions through all of this.

And stop answering the phone and reading those emails.


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

Lydia said:


> No one thinks that their spouse is the kind to cheat, otherwise they wouldn't have married them. I don't know why you don't think she is the type - big red flag is her communication with "friends" increased as the marriage deteriorated.
> 
> I would check the email, I would pull her phone records. Find out who she is talking to and why. I think you will be surprised at what you find.





Dellia said:


> You have her passwords and have not checked her emails? Under these circumstances, you have every right. Could it be you are scared to look because of what you might find out?
> To say someone is not the type to cheat is not realistic. I agree that some people are less prone, less likely, but as long as she is a living, breathing, human being, then she is capable.


she might be capable. but what if i dont find anything bad. how can i face her? what if she found out that i saw her mails will it not make the situation much worse? i am not afraid to see whats in her mails. if she is cheating she is going to no one can stop her and she could have continued without breaking up with me or similar to that or she would have deleted the emails...there are different scenarios. but i might do that as a last option. if she is cheating she will not come back and if she is not i dont want lie to her or pretend that i havent seen her mails. i want to be honest to an extent. i want to trick her but at the sametime i dont want to look into her personal stuffs. if she is cheating she must have changed her password already and how i am supposed to find that then?


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

the guy said:


> I want to judge you so bad, but I won't sinse you asked!
> 
> I do suggest you let her go and find the things that will make you a healthier man, go work out, or start a hobby, but get out and start living.
> 
> ...


:iagree: but i am not reading her emails. yes i should stop answering the calls/mails

thanks


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## talktorajes (Jan 6, 2012)

will this 180 work? i would like to know how many got succeeded. 


she is stubborn. we dont talk nowadays and she told my friend that i dont understand the situation now? i dont know what the hell it means


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