# Dealing with separation after 19 years of marriage



## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Two months ago my husband left. We have been married for 19 years, and were High School sweethearts. We married as soon as I graduated, and had two beautiful children (16 & 18 now) He left me 10 years ago during a rough time in our marriage. He was drinking a lot and had an affair with someone he worked with. He abandoned his family for almost 2 months. I chose to forgive him and we reconciled. Several years later he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and broke his back shortly after that. He has been unable to work for almost 3 years. So, I supported our family with 3 jobs. We struggled through his addictions, his illness and his health situation, only to end our marriage during one of his manic episodes when he completely lost control. He took everything he could take while I was at work the next day and just disappeared. I have talked to him briefly 3 times in the past 2 months. I have to say that even through everything I really do forgive my husband for everything that has been done. I am just that kind of person. However, I can’t grasp how someone cannot accept forgiveness and change their behavior. I don’t understand how you can allow someone to love you, share their life with you, sacrifice everything for you, and still turn your back on them and not care. It is the cruelest of behavior. Not only have I been left with the hurt and despair, but I have also been left with children that miss their father, debt that will take years to pay off, and a home that is simply falling down around me. I guess maybe I am searching for the right words to say to make him realize what he is losing. Maybe I am searching for a way to deal with the rejection. I don’t know. I just know that I have no happiness and joy. It is humiliating to me to not only be treated this way, but to have to be seen as the mess that I have become during this whole process. I had prayed that God would relieve me of the situation. I just didn’t know it would be like this. I simply need help learning how to deal with this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Does he have a job?


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Dawn Marie,

My heart goes out to you. The end of a marriage is so difficult, when you add mental illnes to the mix, it is that much worse. 

Have you tried individual counselling? What about a support group for spouses of people with Bipolar Disorder? I have no personal experience with this disorder but I think you have to accept that your H's thought process does not work the same as for people without this disorder.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself and your children. Look for joy in the little things, like the colour of the sunset or the fact that you didn't have to wait for the light to change green. Practice gratitude for what you do have. Take joy in your children. Try to spend time with them, going for a walk, playing cards. When you feel overwhelmed about everything, try to focus on the bit that is right in front of you. When you are really feeling down, force yourself to smile. It won't feel natural at first, but, the more you do this, the more natural it will become. Start a journal and every day, write something that you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be big stuff, even if it's just that you are grateful you got through another day. Keep posting and reading posts. I promise that you will get through this - it takes time and there may be lots of up and downs but it will get better!!


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Does he have a job?


He says he has been doing odd jobs around the place where he is living. Probably for cash. He told my daughter that he had gotten a job in Jackson, but we checked, and they had never heard of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

KNIFE IN THE HEART said:


> Dawn Marie,
> 
> My heart goes out to you. The end of a marriage is so difficult, when you add mental illnes to the mix, it is that much worse.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the encouragement. Yes, I have done tons of research on his disorder and I have joined an online support group for spouses of those with bipolar. It helps some to know what is happening and why. I am learning to seperate his actions from his heart - because I know that what he is doing now and in the past is not who he really is. I am trying to find joy in things and keep busy so that I dont dwell on things. Nights are the worst because you are just left alone in your thoughts. I actually got to talk with him yesterday, and he gave me no hope at all to reconcile. Promised to call back later, and never did. Its frustrating and sad, but most of all heartbreaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dawn Marie said:


> I don’t understand how you can allow someone to love you, share their life with you, sacrifice everything for you, and still turn your back on them and not care. It is the cruelest of behavior.


Dawn, are you sure he ONLY suffers from bipolar disorder? I ask for two reasons: one is that a recent large-scale study (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- a disorder that could easily explain the cruelty and lack of empathy you describe. The other reason I ask is that, IME, you cannot rely on your H's therapist to tell you about BPD if he has that too. Because it generally is not in the patient's best interest to be told about the BPD (and because insurance companies almost always refuse to cover it), therapists are loath to tell a high functioning BPD sufferer the name of his disorder.

I therefore suggest you read about BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar. If they do, I recommend you see _your own _psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. An easy place to start reading is my description of nine differences between bipolar traits and BPD traits in NewEngland's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...0427-these-mood-swings-normal.html#post884609. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Dawn.


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Thank you so very much for the reply, information and the link. I had not thought or heard of that before. That read quite like a text book to my husbands behavior. I am actually in shock. I could really kick myself for not being more educated, but when things are so bad and hectic all the time, you just have zero strength to deal with it! I have actually talked with him a few times, and he sounds much better. I think he may be on his was to a big crash, which usually comes after one of his episodes. I really wish that he would come back home so that we could begin to heal our marriage and so that he can get the help he needs – this time the RIGHT kind and take care of himself for good. Would it be a good idea to tell him about BPD? I really don’t know what his reaction would be, but certainly he would need to know so that we can find him some help. I just appreciate the response so much!!!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dawn Marie said:


> Would it be a good idea to tell him about BPD?


As an initial matter, Dawn, if you suspect your H has strong BPD traits, I strongly recommend that you NOT tell him. If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him. Although excellent treatment programs are available, it is rare for a BPDer to seek therapy or, even if they do, to remain in therapy long enough (several years) to make a difference.

Second, I caution that, if your H is really exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits, his having such traits for only a few years at the end of a 19-year marriage would not imply he has aspects of the disorder itself. For that to be true, he would have been exhibiting red flags (i.e., strong traits of BPD) periodically throughout the marriage. The only time a BPDer's traits are fully absent for an extended period is during the courtship infatuation period, which typically lasts 3 to 6 months (but can last somewhat longer). The reason that the traits disappear then is that his infatuation over you convinces him that you are perfect and pose no threat to his two great fears (abandonment and engulfment). Of course, as soon as the infatuation evaporates, those fears return and produce the BPD traits.

Third, if you think you may accept him back when he wants to return -- and he likely will want to do so eventually if he is a BPDer -- I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_. Both books are written by the same author. The latter book would be especially helpful during a divorce because, if your H is a BPDer, he likely will become increasingly mean and vindictive during the divorce.

Fourth, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" board, "Leaving" board, and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD."

Fifth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Sixth, I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your son. As I've noted earlier, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

Finally, I suggest you read my overview of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if they sound familiar. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.


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