# First Post-- Victim of 2 EA's



## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi

Been reading this forum for about a month now. It is amazing to me how so many of these stories are so similar. 

As for myself, in late July, I had the pleasure of being told by my wife that she had fallen into another emotional affair. This is my second time down this road. The first time I uncovered the EA and brought it out into the open (back in 07/08).

Right now we are in the reconciliation mode. I guess thats what you call it ???

She cut off the other relationship and says that she wants to work on our marriage. I had actually considered just ending the marriage since this was the second time, but we never addressed the first EA appropriately and its never easy to end a relationship that has lasted over a decade and involves to young children.

We are both seeing counselors individually but also seeing a therapist as a couple. 

As for me, I don't know how to feel. I go back and forth between wanting to work things out and have a stronger, healthier marriage...and then I just feel like "getting out." 

There is a piece of me that just wonders if this is what I really deserve? A wife that has cheated on me twice? At the same time, I have starting to learn that it seems most relationships aren't the fairy tale vision that we all grew up thinking about.

Would love to hear from some of you that have "been there, done that." I feel like I am doing the right thing by trying to work this out but the emotional roller coaster sucks. Do you ever get over the resentment?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A part of you will always resent her for the affairs.

She is emotionally promiscous.

How is marriage counselling going?

What is different now than it was before?

You need some SERIOUS boundaries and she needs to respect you fi this is going to work at all.

Oh and hell- NO CONTACT with the other men.


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

Jellybeans..thanks for the response. 

Counseling is going ok. The first sessions was tough but that is because the OM was still in the picture. I made it clear during that session that I was not moving forward with anything if all contact was not cut off. 

Since the EA is over, counseling is going better but we are still early into things. 

What is different now that it was before. Yes, in two ways. First, she said it was much different because they started out as friends and it "grew into having feelings for each other." In my eyes though, the EA was very similar. The other way that it differed is that the first time, I was very much into saving my marriage and doing anything we needed to do to "heal the wounds" and make things better for her. This time around though, my thoughts went immediately to separation and divorce. So my emotional response was much different this time, probably because of this being the 2nd time around.

You said something that I have been feeling all along. "She needs to respect me." This is one of the big things that bothers me. I can't believe that it happened once, much less a second time. Not only that, but the 2nd one continued for a week or two after I found out (her deciding what she wanted to do, etc.). I mean it was complete disrespect to me and our marriage. I really don't know that I will ever get over that.

She is a selfish person. Always has been, but in a marriage you deal with the faults that your spouse has...however, an affair really makes you think about some of those issues more. Does her selfish personality make it almost impossible for her to do the things that will need to be done to help ME heal?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

John7308 said:


> You said something that I have been feeling all along. "She needs to respect me." This is one of the big things that bothers me.


Here's a tidbit: Women do not love men they do not respect.

It is an unwritten rule somewhere. 

So my advice is to FLIP it on her: "It's ironic you mentioned respect because I also need to respect you. And through your latest affair, you have pretty much lost all but mine. You are emotionally promiscous. It will be very difficult for me to gain respect back for you. To believe you. To trust you. I deserve better. "

Knock the pedastal that is propping her up right from underneath her. 

You need to say this to her deadpan and mean it. RESPECT YOURSELF because if you don't, nobody ever will.

She needs to know it's make or break time.

How you handle this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship (whether you end up together or not).

You need to convey to her: I am not dealing with this BS again and I mean it.

Lose your fear of losing her. Once you realize and accept there IS life without her, you are well on yoru way to mastering this BS (whether that includes her in your life or not).

Go to the Man forums on here and reading their "Manning up" threads... The idea is basically: Respect yourself. Set firm boundaries, and see them through.

REMEMBER: a boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary.

Get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. GREAT advice in there.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

John7308 said:


> Would love to hear from some of you that have "been there, done that."


I have and we managed to survive and thrive once my wife's EA ended for good. She didn't have multiple EAs but a single one that ended, restarted, ended, restarted until I delivered the ultimatum. I had never issued one to my wife in our 25+ years together. I knew the marriage would end sooner or later if I didn't get TOM out of it. He was the initiator, reinitiator..... Before I had the last conversation on the EA with my wife, I did something I had been dreading to do during the previous year of instability. I "walked through that door" of what my life would be without her in it. I looked at the finances and how to uncouple our credit, insurance, banking.... Looked at apartments made up a "what if" budget so I knew the financial impact on me, her and the kids. I read up on my rights as a father in divorce in my state and tried to understand the divorce process. The conversation was calm, I didn't accuse, curse or raise my voice. It was caring in that I wanted the marriage to survive but it wouldn't on a greased hill. And it was unemotional. I let her know if she didn't end it I would leave the marriage, not immediately but it would happen fairly quickly and once the process started there would be no stopping it. The plan was in place, all she had to do was to tip the first domino. She ended it within a few days and resented me for making her do it. With time trust came back, intimacy, love and a marriage that is in many ways stronger than it had been in the better years. You situation is somewhat different in that she started a new EA with some one else. She will definitely need to address this in IC to determine what drives her to do that. You in turn will also need to understand what needs she has that creates this behavior. If she is indeed a selfish person this will make the process more difficult but doable. As far as getting over the resentment I can't help you. Once I understood why the EA happened and my hand in creating an environment that it could flourish in, I understood how my wife got there, it was easy to forgive and no resentment lingered. If you elect to save this then commit to yourself to move foreword as long as you can, leaving nothing in the tank. Good luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> So my advice is to FLIP it on her: "It's ironic you mentioned respect because I also need to respect you. And through your latest affair, you have pretty much lost all but mine. You are emotionally promiscous. It will be very difficult for me to gain respect back for you. To believe you. To trust you. I deserve better. "
> 
> Knock the pedastal that is propping her up right from underneath her.


That is seriously good advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's got to let her know she doesn't hold all the cards. 

Amplex, good advice. And see--it just goes to show--good boundaries in place WORK!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Here's a tidbit: Women do not love men they do not respect.
> 
> It is an unwritten rule somewhere.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You the man Jelly, well sorta


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> You the man Jelly, well sorta


 Thanks.

My father texted me that yesterday when I told him I got him some chocolates. I texted back, "What?" And he texts "LOL". Which was nice because usually he uses "LOL" inappropriately.

Example: "My flight got delayed so I'm stuck in the airport for another 3 hours."

Father: "LOL" 



I shoulda taught him a different text acronym!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My wife for years thought lol meant "lots of love"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's cute! I had to break down LOL to my dad. He said, "What do you mean "laugh out loud" and I said, It's like HAHA..funny. 

He was fascinated. LOL


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

John, please please listen to JellyBeans' suggestions about manning up and showing her how serious this is. she needs a shock to her system and she needs to learn to respect you again.


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