# Found out Dad is having EA (maybe more). What to do????



## notsurewhattodo13 (Aug 2, 2012)

I am an adult child of a father who I recently found out is having at least an EA on my mother with an ex high school girlfriend who lives in another state. When I confronted my father about knowing, he couldn't deny it and claimed it was only emails and he had never seen her. Of course he wants me to keep quiet and said he had no plans to divorce my mother and that if I said something, it would dissolve my family. My parents have been married 30+ years and I always was so happy to have this "american dream" family. Needless to say, I am devastated about this. Right off the bat, I agreed not to say anything because i needed time to think about what to do. I am struggling with this because on the one hand, my mom does NOT deserve this. She does everything for my dad and I am so sad for her that he is essentially making a fool of her. I know she does not know about this because my father told me so (not that he has been that honest as of late) and it would crush her On the other side of the coin, my mom doesn't have to work because my dad provides financially and he has always seemed to be respectful to her so she isn't suffering. She has a good life and she seems so happy. I worry if they get divorced, what if she doesn't find someone else and she would have to go back to working at a thankless low paying job? She is such a good person that I don't want her to struggle. 
Initially, keeping quiet was easy because he said he ended it and I was able to push it aside in my mind for a little bit but now (because I stalk the OW's Facebook page without anyone knowing) I know that she is going to the same city this week as my father because he is traveling for work (which he does often so he has plenty of opportunity to meet this woman) and of course I assume they will be meeting up. 
As an adult, I know that life is complicated and people make mistakes and they need to confess and deal but the child in me is so scared about the effects on my family. I know I did not do this, but I would be the one to tell this secret and create the storm. It is such a heavy burden and I really havent told anyone but my husband. I want to talk to my brother (also an adult but still living at home) but I don't want to burden him with this. Even though he is technically the bad guy in this, I also don't want to go against my father. I thought I would hate him for this but I don't. I am angry as hell but I don't want to hurt him either. I also now struggle with the thought of if I can't trust my own father, who in this world can I trust. I try to rationalize, thinking that if my dad has no plan to leave my mom then eventually whatever is going on with this woman will die away because everyone knows a long distance relationship that is a secret eventually becomes unpleasant and unmaintainable but I am sick wondering/assuming this has not gone away even though he said he ended it. I am reaching out to the people who have cheated and who have been cheated on to direct me in what they think is the right thing to do. Please share with me your advice and any similar stories and their outcomes. Thank you so much.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

So you will accept to let your mother be cheated on by her husband [forget that he's your father now] and you'll allow him to take her for a fool just like he took the rest of the family?

You as an adult, think this is fair for this woman who's your mother?

I don't know if you're married or not but how would you feel if your husband cheated on you and made an agreemet to not let you know about it?

Please, have some more respect for your mother and tell her the truth. Don't defend the cheater.

No matter how much it hurts, it's the truth after all and someday it'll come out!
How will she feel when she knows you already knew about it but didn't tell her?


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I certainly sympathise with your dilemma. Not telling your mum and the guilt will eat you alive, telling your mum and your relationship with your dad could be damaged severely. 

I think you should approach your dad and tell him that he put you in a very bad position. He needs to confess to his wife and deal with the consequences. 

You should talk to your brother and ask what he would do.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've taught my kids that the minute someone tells them to keep something a secret that's a red flag that they should run tell me IMMEDIATELY.

I'd want to know.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Your father is being a total ass*ole by asking you to lie and not tell your mother by omission.

He should be man enough to work on their marriage -- and if he is not happy and trys to fix it --but they can't -- he could do things the right way and divorce.

I am sure you look up and respect your father -- but the knight on the white horse is NO more !!

BTW -- if those 2 meet up in the same city I will guarantee you 100% that the EA will turn PA.

Good luck !!


----------



## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

That is horrible and I am so sorry you are in this position. For what it is worth, my view is to tell your dad he cannot expect you to keep it from your mum. He needs to tell her or you will.

With that you are being honest and you have integrity. You have not lied to your dad and you have not betrayed your mum. Your dad cannot possibly want you to betray your mum if he thinks about it. I would be in tears telling him this, and I would profess undying love for him, but I could not keep it from my mum and he, if he is a good man will respect that.

Worst case scenario is your mum finds out (and she will!!) then finds out you knew and said nothing. Me in those shoes would be dead inside from that moment.

NOBODY can put you down for telling the truth (except your 5 year old niece about father Christmas . . . and even then). Keep your own self respect.

Horrible situation, I am so sorry.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Give your dad a deadline to tell her himself, and if he doesn't, YOU tell her.

Be prepared for her not to believe you, though. Get some concrete proof for her.

Your dad is exposing your MOTHER to deadly diseases here!!

Shame on your dad for being a lying cheater.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Meanwhile, how do *you* feel in your new role as the facilitator of your father's affair?

You do realise your mother will feel that she has been betrayed by you and your father? When will this happen? When your mother finds out. And she almost certainly will.

You need to remove yourself from the role of facilitator of your father's affair and show your mother the proof as soon as possible. Before your father makes an even bigger fool of himself.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

notsurewhattodo13 said:


> I am an adult child of a father who I recently found out is having at least an EA on my mother with an ex high school girlfriend who lives in another state. When I confronted my father about knowing, he couldn't deny it and claimed it was only emails and he had never seen her. Of course he wants me to keep quiet and said he had no plans to divorce my mother and that if I said something, it would dissolve my family. My parents have been married 30+ years and I always was so happy to have this "american dream" family. Needless to say, I am devastated about this. Right off the bat, I agreed not to say anything because i needed time to think about what to do. I am struggling with this because on the one hand, my mom does NOT deserve this. She does everything for my dad and I am so sad for her that he is essentially making a fool of her. I know she does not know about this because my father told me so (not that he has been that honest as of late) and it would crush her On the other side of the coin, my mom doesn't have to work because my dad provides financially and he has always seemed to be respectful to her so she isn't suffering. She has a good life and she seems so happy. I worry if they get divorced, what if she doesn't find someone else and she would have to go back to working at a thankless low paying job? She is such a good person that I don't want her to struggle.
> Initially, keeping quiet was easy because he said he ended it and I was able to push it aside in my mind for a little bit but now (because I stalk the OW's Facebook page without anyone knowing) I know that she is going to the same city this week as my father because he is traveling for work (which he does often so he has plenty of opportunity to meet this woman) and of course I assume they will be meeting up.
> As an adult, I know that life is complicated and people make mistakes and they need to confess and deal but the child in me is so scared about the effects on my family. I know I did not do this, but I would be the one to tell this secret and create the storm. It is such a heavy burden and I really havent told anyone but my husband. I want to talk to my brother (also an adult but still living at home) but I don't want to burden him with this. Even though he is technically the bad guy in this, I also don't want to go against my father. I thought I would hate him for this but I don't. I am angry as hell but I don't want to hurt him either. I also now struggle with the thought of if I can't trust my own father, who in this world can I trust. I try to rationalize, thinking that if my dad has no plan to leave my mom then eventually whatever is going on with this woman will die away because everyone knows a long distance relationship that is a secret eventually becomes unpleasant and unmaintainable but I am sick wondering/assuming this has not gone away even though he said he ended it. I am reaching out to the people who have cheated and who have been cheated on to direct me in what they think is the right thing to do. Please share with me your advice and any similar stories and their outcomes. Thank you so much.


First of all no, you did not create this storm. Your father did. And I am truly sorry that you are burdened by this, however, you will have to tell your mother. You will have to make copies of the fb pages which indicate where they will be and you will need to show them to your mother. Make no accusations, just facts. Please let her know. She has the absolute right to know and she would be devastated if she learns later that you knew about it and didn't tell her. A double betrayal. I'm telling you this as a BS (betrayed spouse).

And, if you can, do it before the trip so your mother can deal with your father directly. He should have never put you in this position. He lied to you and said it was over. Then told you not to tell your mother.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Unfortunately, since you now know, it makes you complicit.



Ask him for 1/2 a million dollars to keep you quiet.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

aug said:


> Ask him for 1/2 a million dollars to keep you quiet.


:lol:

That's not funny.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> :lol:
> 
> That's not funny.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What type of father ,when his child discovers his dirty secrets, turns around and asks him/her to keep quiet?


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> What type of father ,when his child discovers his dirty secrets, turns around and asks him/her to keep quiet?


One that's lost in the fog, unfortunately.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I believe I would tell him that he is to end the affair immediately, or you will tell your mother. Make him do a no contact letter and mail it to the other woman in front of you. Furthermore, tell him that if he ever does this again, you will expose him to everyone with no warning. Make sure you have hard proof of the affair before exposing him.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> What type of father ,when his child discovers his dirty secrets, turns around and asks him/her to keep quiet?


Exactly. I would feel more ashamed of the fact that *my father asked me to keep quiet* than about the fact that he is cheating on my mother.


----------



## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear notsurewhattodo13,

My son was also the first person who found out about my husband's emotional affair that turned physical. He actually came home early from school and found them in their birthday suits in our home. That night I knew that there was something terribly wrong with my son. Although he did not want to tell me, he eventually spilled the beans as I told him that there was nothing, no matter how terrible, that he could not tell me. Therefore, my response to you is that you need to tell your mom if your father is not going to tell her; she has a right to know. Tell your father, if he did indeed break off all contact with the other woman, that you want to see a copy of the no contact letter. Tell him that you know about the woman going to the same city as him and that you know he is going to meet up with her. Let him know that you know he is lying. He needs to come out of the fog and realize what he is doing to your family. I was lucky as my husband broke off all contact with the other woman immediately. He put our family first for the first time in 6 months. Things were really rough between my son and husband for a few months as they were really close before his affair. I am so sorry for the pain your father has caused you to carry. No parent has the right to burden their child, no matter how old they are, with such a secret. Just remember, no matter what you decide to do, no one in your family (your mother, brother, or you) caused this--do not take any ownership.. Your father did this to your family. Expose him. Wishing you well!


----------

