# I need help/advice. I am scared and at a loss?



## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

Hello. I am 29 years old and have been married for 6 years and have been with my husband for a total of 6 and half years(yes we got married pretty quick). When we got married he was 22 and I was 23. From the day I met him I was an open book, I told him how and who I was and what I liked and didn't like and I never put the pressure on him to marry me, he asked me on his own and I accepted it. He is jewish and I am christian but that never came into play in our relationship. When I met him I always noticed he had no ambition, no motivation, no work ethics but I always thought he would grow out of it. I am the opposite, I like to work, I am a go getter and have ambition and i am motivated. 
As the years went by he worked on and off and that brought lots of tension btwn. us bc when ever he loose a job a it take him months to get a new bc he just didn't want to. He did find a job and he felt on top of the world bc this is the job he had been waiting for but got laid off. He turned to pot to solve his depression instead and the way I found out about it was bc one day he placed a huge ziploc bag full of pot in my car and I had no idea and my little sister found it. i was so upset bc he lied to me and from day one he knew how i felt about drugs. I forgave and we worked it out and moved on.
After he lost his job he got unemployment (2 years ago till present) and I encouraged him to go back to school bc I knew his parents would help him if he did. i am not a clingy girl with him and always gave his space. He go with his friends or hang out and I be ok with it but he never ask me to go with him and now I know why. He never stopped smoking pot or doing God knows what other drugs. He disrespected me in front of my family many times by yelling at me in front of them. I was always thoughtful with his family in all ocassions and he never was with my and he even said to me that if didn't care to do things for his family why woould he care about my. In one argument one day he threaten to hit me if I didn't shut up. One time he got mad at me and didn't talk to me for a month bc I got mad at him bc of what he told me he did at his brothers party with a stripper on his parents livingroom floor and at this time I had waited an extra month to take my week vacation with him and instead he took off to california to see his friend.
We had a huge incident last year and I just blew up and I called him an immature boy. I told him he was not a man and he never did anthing for me. Well he took of for a month and half and didn't talk to me. I contact him to talk and he told me NO! bc he was on his way to his brothers college who is 5 years younger bc he was going to party. I was morfied bc i am his wife and the woman loved him for so long and has been through thick and thin. 
I am strong person, I am a medical student and YES! you may ask yourself why did I stay? bc I wanted to work my marriage and I loved him and still do with all my heart. I always kept hope he change. We didn't spend chirismast together bc it was his grandfathers 90th bday so he went to Florida with his parents and I was ok with it bc of the reason he was going and I couldn't bc of school. Well he came back and everything turned for the worse. On new years eve we went to MY friends party and he iginored me whole night and poeple kept asking me why was he like that with me and obviously it made me so upset and I left wtihout saying goodbey and the next day he told me he was done and left me.
I was in shock bc I didn't see it coming. 2 days before we were discussing our future together etc. and he flipped the switch. I confronted him a month later and he told me there was no one else and told me that we just grew apart and asked how? and it what ways? He told me we couldn't be together bc I think pot is bad and he doesn't, bc our religions are different but he doens't belive in his own religion bc he has said so for years and he doesn't got to temple, he said bc of the way we want a house is different (he likes carpets I don't), he said the way we want to raise children are different. His excuses were ridiculous bc we were always on the same page about many things. I recently found out that he has posted himself on facebook as looking for a relationship and dating and that he is single. 
At school he never told people he was married. His parents pay for his school, car, food, roof so you I see why he had to get rid off me. His parents always pay all his bills and dont let him be a man. Its been 2 months and he has disappeared and all he wants to do is party, smoke pot and hang out with girls that are 7-8 years younger than him. I am in shock bc I don't know who this person is and how he just doesn't care and wants nothing to do with me. I am so hurt and disappointed and don't know what to do. I don't have a self-concept issue or think there is no life after him but I can't over what he has done and how he is not looking back. 
Sorry this is long story and I left alot out bc it be pages of things he has done. What do think I should do? Do you he will realize and change? One other thing that is pissing off bc i was good to them and don't even care to email me to ask how I am doing? is like they disappeared from the face of the earth and I was never a part of there life.
I need advice!


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## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

i can relate, my husband and me have been married for 7 yrs, we have money problems thru out our marriage, i was always the one in charge of the bills and when we didn't have enough i either wouldn't pay it or use credit cards, we were both bad spenders and my husband liked to gamble. the only difference was that he would tell when he gambled and i would hid the bills from him, he never asked anyway. but i hid them from him because when we first had money problems i was pregant, taking care of a 3yr old and my husband was bed ridden with 3 herniated disks. i couldn't go to him to him for help, he couldn't even get out of bed. but when i finally did tell him he blew up at me and threw me out of the house and told me he wanted a divorce. well we worked things out but of course i got scared to mess up again but we were always short with money, so for 7 yrs every year i messed up and he caught me. during these times the stress got to be too much for me and i started to take perscrpiton drugs, which was for my herniated disk and my husband would also get a perscribtion for them, well i did abuse them from time to time and he would catch me. but he would still bring them in the house from time to time and i would do it again. well this last time he caught me taking money out of his 401k(which i had access to) and with a prescribtion for vicodins . he was done, he wanted a divorce, we got a lawyer and had an agreement. but when we were suppose to tell the kids he decided to give me one last shot, we were going along ok till thanksgiving and then something changed and that was it, he wanted me out.

Now he spent thanksgiving with his parents and i spent it with mine. as with your husband everytime we had a problem in our marriage my husband would go running to his parents to help him solve it while i waited at home for the verdict. i have a very big feeling that his parents pushed him in the direction of divorce, they have never forgiven me from the first time.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

My advice - you need to let him go, he is immature and needs to grow up and be an adult.. His parents are enabling his immature behavior by not making him get a real job and take care of himself.

Realize that people rarely change.. they can change some of their habits, but people rarely change who they are.. you sound like a nice lady who has her act together - go find a man who will appreciate you for being a strong, independent woman and not resent you for it.. you will be happier in the long run...


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## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

Thank you. I want to move on but I love so much. I know I can do better and he is no catch but I feel at a loss. I have all my stuff together and I know what I want and where I want to be in the future and yet due to all this mess he created I am seeing a psychologist, I am second guessing myself and the things he said made me feel like all of it was my fault. Deep down I have no regrets about how things were bc when I got mad and said anything was bc his actions frustrated me and I blew up. Now all I think about is if he will one day realize what he did and regret it!!!! Yes is me holding on but I don't want to loose my marriage....


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I was where you are. I still love my MIL and I still call her weekly. I would do anything for her because we have mutual respect and love for one another. My wife not so much. I was like you in that I gave fully of myself to her and her whims and got jack in return. I have/had a big heart. But I had to realize this wasn't happiness. I still love her or maybe the image I had of her in my head.

I agree with the other posters that you should run. You have a career and a big heart. Should find someone who matches you to share your life with. And I know it sucks , oh don't I know. But each day becomes easier. Btw don't keep desiring answers for all your questions. You have to accept that a lot of people have no morals or considerations for the people they sleep next to.


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## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

Thank you for your advice. I know I have to RUN but my heart doesn't get it! I heard from him twice a few weeks ago by text messaging reg taxes and the way he was talking was like we are friends and nothing happened and I felt like he wanted to keep talking bc he just kept talking and I felt like he had to get the last word even though again the conversation was about taxes. I have been extremely civil about the this entire ordeal and have not called, emailed, text-ed him at all. I have given him all the space he has asked for and I am not chasing after him. I treat him with kindness and respect even though I would like to tear him apart like he did me but I know better. I am still hurting like crazy and I feel like I am not living but one day at a time right? I know God is with me and will not forsake me. I still wonder but at the same time I am taking care of myself and doing things to make myself feel better with myself. I am blessed to have a family that supports me and friends that love me and want to help me get through one of the hardest stages of my life. May one day he will realize but I hope my love is all gone and I can say no more. He tossed me away like garbage and as if 7 years never happened or I happened. I know who and how I was to him and how thoughtful, selfless, loving, caring I was with him and his family and everything that surrounded him and those things is what makes me think that life will show him. I also like to say that I feel blessed when people like all of you take the time to give me advice. Thank you and I also wish nothing but the best for all of you and may you find all the happiness the world has to offer....
Juliana


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well you feel just like I do. Though last phone conversation I had with my stbx W was her *****ing me out cause I asked who her lawyer was. The winners are those who have true friend and family aroudn them during tough times. I have to admit some of my friends come by every friday night just to chat on all topics. 

It hurts and you will be angry. I know I was after all I have done , all I have given up , and working myself like a mule for a figment of my own imagination. But I feel these are things I have to go through for when the right person comes into my life. I wish I had a time machine but honestly the last 2 months have gone by so quick and it will for you. You have endless possibilities in front of you. Though none of us want a divorce the best you can look at it is a stepping stone to prepare you for the one God has planned for you


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