# a lot of firsts.



## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

Moved out yesterday. Didn't want to but it was me or her and my daughter. Her parents won't let her move home. In an emergency for a day or two maybe. Anyway, I did something that was a good idea at the time fully ready for what it would bring. Or so I thought. Messaged the wife of the friend that my wife has been spending hours a week messaging. Against my wishes. His wife got the message, he got the message and my wife got the message. He ended it. She was furious, saying words I've never heard from her before. We are Christian. It's a big deal to hear it. She basically said to gtfo and gth. My daughter heard the last word and was shocked. She proceeded to tell my daughter that we were getting a divorce. We had talked about telling her together. I forced her hand. I was expecting her to admit that she was wrong and that she was sorry about it. Didn't happen.I packed a Weeks worth of clothes and left. Not without telling my daughter of course. We both tried to explain what and why and that we would always be her parents and that kind of stuff. My first marriage, her third. Our only child who will be ten next month. Not putting her to bed at night, not having her crawl into bed in the morning and that kind of thing is killing me inside. I live close and she calls when she thinks about me. First separation, first real taste of what might be, barring a miracle, I'm gut shot. Please give me advice that can help.
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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

That sounds really rough, I can give you some hope and let you know that you will figure out a way to get through it all. Be sure to keep in touch with your child and to take care of your self


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

Thank you.
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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi dazed and confused why did you have to leave she made her bed let her leave 
You keep yr daughter I would close all joint accts and credit cards open one for yrself cut her off 
So to speak contact a atty and seek legal advice 

Good luck
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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Dazed sorry to hear about this. It has to be so difficult when you lose not only your wife, but also the daily contact with your child. it makes my situation look trivial losing a gf with which I had no children. I can only imagine what I'd feel like if I had children with her. My ex-gf was also Christian, I don't know how women like these live with themselves. Keep your head up.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dazed, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Are you in a place, or will you be able to get to a place, where your daughter can stay with you part of the time? 

This was something that I have been adamant about. STBXH tries to give me the 'millions of kids go through this every year, ours will be OK' bs. I am my son's mom, no matter what STBXH decided about our marriage. I insist on seeing him every day, as I would if we were still together, and when he's staying with his dad, I see him for an hour after school, if possible, and we definitely call each other to say good-night every night. His dad gets the same treatment when our son is with me. He's 9.

She is still your daughter, and you two have just as much right to see each other as you did before. You obviously love her very much. I'm sorry your wife is hurting you like she is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too do not understand why you left. The both of you can live in the same house until there is a court order staying who will leave the house. One of you could just sleep in another bedroom.

If you are going to stay out of the family home go see an attorney ASAP and get a temporary custody plan in place giving you 50% time with your daughter. I was able to get one in place withing 24 hours of talking to my attorney when I filed.

Tell your attorney that the custody agrangement is THE most important thing to you.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

Wind: that is easier says than done. Trust me, the cold heartless part of me wanted to throw her crap out on the porch. I'm very much non confrontational. I dealt with this growing up and fighting in front of the kids screws them up. I'm better than that, even though I feel like it sometimes.
Talk: thanks for heads up. It's hard to do sometimes.
Angel: I'm back in my old room at home. Downright depressing and at the same time I'm very grateful and appreciative. They love my daughter and joke about actually seeing her more. She is having a sleepover Friday night. I'm stoked. We went swimming tonight like we did on Saturday.
Ele: I left because for me it was the right thing to do for my girl. Friends, school etc. it's all she has known. My wife will not be in the same room as me and my daughter has noticed. It's more stress than my wife can handle.she has lashed out and it is miserable for her. That translates to a very bad vibe. My daughter feels it.
Rickys: she says that talking is a waste of time. I speak French and she speaks German and without somebody to translate all that can happen is not good. One of our major problems. 
Thanks for the advice everybody.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dazed/confused said:


> Wind: that is easier says than done. Trust me, the cold heartless part of me wanted to throw her crap out on the porch. I'm very much non confrontational. I dealt with this growing up and fighting in front of the kids screws them up. I'm better than that, even though I feel like it sometimes.
> Talk: thanks for heads up. It's hard to do sometimes.
> Angel: I'm back in my old room at home. Downright depressing and at the same time I'm very grateful and appreciative. They love my daughter and joke about actually seeing her more. She is having a sleepover Friday night. I'm stoked. We went swimming tonight like we did on Saturday.
> Ele: I left because for me it was the right thing to do for my girl. Friends, school etc. it's all she has known. My wife will not be in the same room as me and my daughter has noticed. It's more stress than my wife can handle.she has lashed out and it is miserable for her. That translates to a very bad vibe. My daughter feels it.
> ...


I hope I'm misunderstanding... You need someone to translate between you and your wife?

C
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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

PBear said:


> I hope I'm misunderstanding... You need someone to translate between you and your wife?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only because communication is one of our major problem areas. It's like we are speaking different languages, figuratively speaking.
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> This was something that I have been adamant about. STBXH tries to give me the *'millions of kids go through this every year, ours will be OK' bs.* I am my son's mom, no matter what STBXH decided about our marriage. I insist on seeing him every day, as I would if we were still together, and when he's staying with his dad, I see him for an hour after school, if possible, and we definitely call each other to say good-night every night. His dad gets the same treatment when our son is with me. He's 9.
> .


I work with kids professionally and it is obvious how it effects them the parents lie to themselves when they say the kids will be okay. Divorce and separation (and abandonment) definitely effects development and their world. Yes, they will survive but who wants to say 'my kid survived' we are responsible for more than them surviving their childhood. I have seen parents use their kids against the others and then when the kids are in middle and high school the kids become master manipulators playing their parents so they get their way. Yes, I am angry my H has done this to our kids, esp the younger kids.

Angel it sounds like you all working well together my H hasn't seen much of them in the almost 2 months ... I have to instigate it for him to see them (then it might only be for 1-3 hrs).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I work with kids professionally and it is obvious how it effects them the parents lie to themselves when they say the kids will be okay. Divorce and separation (and abandonment) definitely effects development and their world. Yes, they will survive but who wants to say 'my kid survived' we are responsible for more than them surviving their childhood. I have seen parents use their kids against the others and then when the kids are in middle and high school the kids become master manipulators playing their parents so they get their way. Yes, I am angry my H has done this to our kids, esp the younger kids.
> 
> Angel it sounds like you all working well together my H hasn't seen much of them in the almost 2 months ... I have to instigate it for him to see them (then it might only be for 1-3 hrs).


Yes, Mama, this is one of the few areas where we are able to get along (knock on his head, er, wood). I saw the destruction when I was younger, too. My little brother grew up in the 80s with all the 'deadbeat dads' that led to automatic cs payments, cuz they couldn't be trusted to send a check. Moms forced to be both parents, mom and kids living in crappy basement apartments, mom forced to tell the kids they could never afford to join any school activities or even get a Happy Meal once in a while while daddy was off with a shiny new pickup truck and some s!ut. Then he sweeps in to spend every holiday with the kid, then leaves again, not to be heard from til the next holiday. Our own dad was one of them, so STBXH knows why I feel the way I do.
Yeah, I have some strong feelings about how kids 'survive' during D. Bu11****!


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