# Seeking advice



## appiebabe (Nov 12, 2014)

3 months ago i found a strange text to someone on my husbands phone, and found out it was another woman who he had been friends with years ago. he was wishing her good luck on a job. I was 7mths pregnant and told him to stop texting this woman. he said they were just friends, so i insisted if they were friends, i would know about it after 5 years of marriage. I since then have given birth to our 2nd child, and now find out hes texting/calling her again, i saw it on our ohone bill. I basically went nuts, threw him out and he could only come back if he gave up gym, texting her, changing his #, facebook etc. trying to block any communication or chance of communicating. Its now 2 weeks since then and hes home and i cant seem to get these calls, texts out o fmy mind. He said he listened to her about her boyfriend issues, but i feel like its something more. Anyhow, he does have a big communication issue, so he will talk about anything but the main problem and why he did this. he says he doesnt know why. how can that be? I really dont know how to feel anymore or what to do.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

is this other woman local? can you contact her boyfriend to see if the stories match up?

I'd verify the 'friends with years ago' via other old friends, and see how far this really goes back.

"he says he doesn't know why" = doesn't want to admit the truth to your face


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

appiebabe said:


> 3 months ago i found a strange text to someone on my husbands phone, and found out it was another woman who he had been friends with years ago. he was wishing her good luck on a job. I was 7mths pregnant and told him to stop texting this woman. he said they were just friends, so i insisted if they were friends, i would know about it after 5 years of marriage. I since then have given birth to our 2nd child, and now find out hes texting/calling her again, i saw it on our ohone bill. I basically went nuts, threw him out and he could only come back if he gave up gym, texting her, changing his #, facebook etc. trying to block any communication or chance of communicating. Its now 2 weeks since then and hes home and i cant seem to get these calls, texts out o fmy mind. He said he listened to her about her boyfriend issues, but i feel like its something more. Anyhow, he does have a big communication issue, so he will talk about anything but the main problem and why he did this. he says he doesnt know why. how can that be? I really dont know how to feel anymore or what to do.


Do you have access to everything now? Were you able to confirm the text messages? Was anything deleted? Does the other woman live nearby?


----------



## appiebabe (Nov 12, 2014)

Yes she does live local an ex friend of my husbands cousin...i locked him out of his fb page so he another one but claims he cant get into that one either, but i odnt have the password to that or his email acct (he also changed that one). I had also text her last time asking her to stop texting my husband, and she did. This last time he waited for the block to be lifted off the cell and initiated the call to her. Everytime i ask what di du talk about he would say nothing, i listened to her, i was bored in traffic. I feel like im the stupid one...


----------



## appiebabe (Nov 12, 2014)

oh and he deleted every text a simple slip up is how i found the original text and now i just happened to check the cell phone bill and saw the calls/text started again


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

appiebabe said:


> oh and he deleted every text a simple slip up is how i found the original text and now i just happened to check the cell phone bill and saw the calls/text started again


I would recommend trying to recover the deleted text messages. What type of phone does he have? There are a lot of programs to recover deleted messages.


----------



## appiebabe (Nov 12, 2014)

samsung galaxy from verizon


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you want to R with your husband, you would be well served to make yourself an expert on stealth monitoring. Continue to check his cell phone records of course, but you have many more options:

Look for a hidden burner phone, install a keylogger on his PC, spyware on his cell, a VAR and GPS in his car. Look at methods to retrieve deleted texts off his phone.

On his cell phone records; look carefully at the times, the dates, the frequency, and the duration, of his calls/texts. And *especially* note how long the "continuous" communication has been going on. The longer it has been going on, the more likely it is a PA. Men don't fool around with EA's, without sex, for very long.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need marital counselling, your husband needs to be helped to take ownership of his actions.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

He's been caught and won't own it. You started right but then let him back in, and won't hold him accountable through actions instead of words (ie, "get out until you can prove to me, show me, and let me witness that you've broken all contact with her, get std tested (you too btw), gave me all passwords to all your computer/fb/email/phone/social media accounts, and willingly let me check any damn time I want...") + committed to MC, and IC if necessary, to identify why he's disrespecting you, your marriage, and your new family while he is out fishing and playing around. 

Until then, you're not in a marriage, you're in his game-playing fantasyland of cake-eating and denial. And it is continuing at his whim because there are no real consequences.

If he won't, then start D proceedings. You will then have his attention and he will know you are for real, and you will then have immediate answers on what he wants to do, and can decide on whether you want to follow through or not on the actual D.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Did he agree to stop contacting her? Does he seemed concerned about you? If yes, that's a good sign.

If he is defending her and trying to dodge taking about it, then you have a problem.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Why don't you go and visit her, unannounced. Be cordial, but firm, and tell her your husband has been telling you about their relationship and you wanted to verify it with her. She won't know what you do (or don't) know and perhaps she will be honest and tell you what is going on. 

Or not.


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

appiebabe said:


> Yes she does live local an ex friend of my husbands cousin...i locked him out of his fb page so he another one but claims he cant get into that one either, but i odnt have the password to that or his email acct (he also changed that one). I had also text her last time asking her to stop texting my husband, and she did. This last time he waited for the block to be lifted off the cell and initiated the call to her. Everytime i ask what di du talk about he would say nothing, i listened to her, i was bored in traffic. * I feel like im the stupid one...*


That is because he is playing you for a fool. 
You obviously know there is more to it than what he is saying, I bet you are only aware of the 'tip of the ice burg' in fact I would say that with confidence. 
You asked to see his texts email and FB etc and he happens to delete every message (with exception of the one you found) which automatically tells you that he does not want to be transparent. Why? Because he has a lot to hide. I agree with the poster who said you need to be more firm, file for D as you can always stop the process if you become satisfied that he is being honest (right now he is not) and you want to R.
Stop playing his game. He thinks he has won which WILL make you look like the stupid one. 
You need to be tough and give him REAL consequences to turn this around if you want it.


----------



## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Ask him if he is feeling like you are not giving him enough attention and affection.
When people have children, the dynamic of their relationship changes, and quite often the man feels like he is no long getting the love and affection that he needs because the woman is busy taking care of the children....and he looks for that attention elsewhere because he feels hurt.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

VAR the car for further evidence. Weightlifters sig has detailed information on what and how.

Since he has already lied to you, his words mean nothing. Watch his actions only, not words. Cheaters lie to minimize and hide. They hate the light of truth. Perhaps, once you gain and make copies of evidence, expose him to family and friends. Presented properly, they will support you and work on him. That exposure may be enough to break the emotions of his habit.

Consequences for actions. That's how it works. Not his words.

What kind of phone does he have. It's possible to recover deleted mail, texts and numbers of phone calls.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

appiebabe said:


> He said he listened to her about her boyfriend issues, but i feel like its something more.


What more could there be? I'll translate that to the male perspective for you. To a man that means "I will have sex with you when you are ready. A little before, even, if that's OK".

No man gives a CRAP about a woman's boyfriend problems. Not even a TINY LITTLE BIT. Except to get her pants off.

And no man has a girl as a "bud" he doesn't want to bed. Friendly at work? Sure. Chat a little after church? Great. Go out of your way to call, text, visit? No way. Except for one reason. See above.

He LIKES her likes her. Of that I have NO DOUBT! I have no clue how you deal with it. All I can do is build your "she's not just a friend" conviction. Do not waver on that. She's your husband's new little girlfriend. SHE may not know that (I have no idea what goes on in a female head), but he sure hopes so.


----------

