# Utterly Destroyed Right Now



## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hi, I am a new member although I've been a reader for some months now. A bit about myself, 34 year old attorney in a small midwestern town, married to my wife for almost 10 years, but together for 15 as a couple. We have 4 children 12, 11, 7, and 5. My wife works full time, as I do, however her work requires travel about 15% of the time, taking her to different areas of the country for architectural/building design work. We have not had the smoothest time as a married couple or as parents, having had two of our children before we were married and established in our careers. We had a lot of support from our families and have lived, and still do, close to where we grew up. My wife has been hospitalized twice in the 10 years we have been married for bipolar mental breakdown. Each hospitalization has been for about a week at a time. She is prescribed medication that she has not always been consistent about taking. She is manic but not a depressive type, when she is in manic phase she is laser focused and extremely self-assured, world beater type, excels at work, does side work for extra income, etc. She has a real mean streak, though, and has been critical throughout the marriage about how much money I make, how hard I work, what I contribute to the household, etc. I should also mention that she has said for many years that I am not as attractive at 34 as I was at 19 when she fell in love with me. She has mentioned divorce on and off for awhile now it seems, with the divorce talk really ramping up in November/December of this last year 2014. She blamed it in most part on my not being "successful" and having a drinking problem. Full disclosure, I was drunk in front of my kids on a couple of occasions, not falling down drunk but slurry and grouchy when they started to misbehave. I take responsibility for those actions and have curbed my drinking entirely. She went and saw a divorce attorney in early December and on December 19 I was home from work sick with the flu with one of our daughters. My wife couldn't find her phone and went to work without it, asking me to try and locate it while she was at work. I went upstairs to find my daughter playing a game on her phone which I then picked up the phone from my daughter and noticed a new text message from a man in CO. The man must have been a regular contact because he had a profile pic next to his text. I opened the text and it was his asking if my wife had good memories, my wife had responded that she "always" had great memories, to which he replied, "like what", to which my wife had replied, "your robe, your broccoli,..." The recent text was him saying "good morning gorgeous" to my wife. There was also another text from a different named guy who had also said "good morning gorgeous". I was very stressed out about this and waited until she had come home and confronted her about the texts. She calmly said, oh yeah, that's Bill, he sends me a text every day... I ask about the other guy and she said she hadn't seen him since the summer. She admitted being unfaithful but said not to blame just those two guys, that she had slept with between 15 and 25 men throughout the country while on her business trips, that she had joined an online website where she could change the zipcode to where she was headed and arrange to meet men for sex, that she often would go to bars after the workday, spot a man she liked, remove her wedding ring and see if she could talk him into going back to her hotel room for sex. My wife is a pretty blonde woman about 135 lbs around 5'6 with a nice little curvy body, she still looks good after having four kids. She admitted that she had a few "repeaters" that she liked to visit and the she had even "fallen in love" with one soldier guy she met on that site from NC. I am completely destroyed in so many ways just thinking about this. It's been a few weeks but I still can't hardly sleep at night and wake up soaked in cold sweats. I should also mention that she continued to get texts from the CO guy that were extremely graphic sexually about coming and stretching her out and making her sore, coming on his face, etc. I am utterly destroyed thinking about this. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in terms of advice but I wanted to share this horror story. My life now feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I knew we had some problems in our marriage but I thought that we would get better and work things out as our kids got older. We had sex about once per week or as many times as having four kids and jobs would allow. To think that my wife was giving the best part of herself to strangers just destroys me.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

if this is real, D. Simple as that. And get an STD test

ETA: and DNA the kids. 

If this is not real... Please disregard.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

15-25 guys. No remorse, continuing the affairs and getting texts and using adult friend finder type websites ?

I know you have kids and all. Curb her fast. Probably should have kept the texts and stored them. 

File for divorce, get tested and go through some IC in order to fix yourself for the better woman you will find someday.

Is she at least in a different bedroom or planning to move out ??


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

You are married to a woman who is very toxic. She is an unremorseful serial cheater. She is an emotional abuser. She has made attempts to divorce you.

Recommendations:

1. DNA test the children. The likelihood of one or more not being yours is very likely. Once you receive proof of paternal lineage, seek custody of the ones who are yours.

2. File for divorce.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

SimpleGuy,
I am utterly shocked by your story. I've heard a lot of things and thought I've seen a lot and even been through a lot but I am blown away by your WW and her brazen behavior. My advise to you is to gather all the evidence you can. This woman is extremely toxic and you need to get ready to go to war to divorce this person. You need to go 180 on her like yesterday. You say you are an attorney you must know some gogetter type divorce attorneys in your area. I would advise you to go see a few and seek their counsel.

Your WW has some serious issues. Travelling from state to state and screwing that many different men is crazy. Not only does that speak volumes about what she thinks of you, her marriage vows and the marriage itself but it also says a lot about her. I feel for you and hope you are ready for something like you have never experienced before in your life. This is just the beginning and I am afraid things will hit a low point before you come out the other side.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Agree with the others and suggest that you get your head checked out for co-dependency issues.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Take some time to figure out what you want to do. See if you can persuade her to move out while you do so. You're a lawyer, so you can handle the legal aspects of whether infidelity is a factor in any divorce/property separation/custody battles.

Personally, I don't know how it goes any direction other than divorce. Sorry that you're in this situation. Even more sorry for your kids.

C


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If she admitted to 15-25 guys, it is more like 50-100 IMO. 

She is using a Tinder type hook up site. Get tested for STD's and get to a Divorce Atty. You say you don't know what advice you want. I can't imagine staying in a situation like this. What is there to save? The picture you painted isn't a pretty one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hi. Would you mind editing your post and breaking it into paragraphs? Thanks!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While you may be an attorney, you may not be the family law variety. You can certainly file on your own, but don't represent yourself ~ preserve your objectivity and get with a good family law attorney to represent you and file for D yesterday! You have been duped. Document all of the evidence that you are now holding on to!

Also file for primary custody of those kids and make sure that they can't be taken across state lines by her! And it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to have the kids tested for paternity!

And get yourself checked out by a medical doctor nine ways to Sunday in order to insure that you have not acquired or have any kind of STD!

Read the Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy only after doing "the 180" on her scroungy backside! 

Welcome to TAM ~ I absolutely hate to see you here but you have come to the right place for solace and support! *


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> She admitted being unfaithful but said not to blame just those two guys, that she had slept with between 15 and 25 men throughout the country while on her business trips, that she had joined an online website where she could change the zipcode to where she was headed and arrange to meet men for sex, that she often would go to bars after the workday, spot a man she liked, remove her wedding ring and see if she could talk him into going back to her hotel room for sex.


I REALLY hope this story isn't true. Let me get this straight. So because you were not successful enough in your career, your wife has decided to become a some type of super slvt to punish you? You are somehow even partly to blame according to her? You seemed to imply that this may have something to do with her mental illness (manic, bipolar, etc.) based on your posting. In such an extreme case like this, not out of the realm of possiblity. Get tested for STDs and get a divorce. Do you really want to stay married to the village bicycle? Regardless the reasons, you can't possibly think she would ever stop. If she had ANY guilt it's LONG gone. 

She's lost count of the number of men. 

It's time to BAIL when you start getting "ranges".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> 15-25 guys. No remorse, continuing the affairs and getting texts and using adult friend finder type websites ?
> 
> I know you have kids and all. Curb her fast. Probably should have kept the texts and stored them.
> 
> ...


*My Lord! By her own estimations alone, she's absolutely been through more sausage in her 30's than an elderly person samples inside a grocery deli within the course of their very long lifetime!

Get out of that marriage pronto, friend ~ the sanity you save may well be your own!*


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What a horrible story.
Your wife has no respect for you and your marriage.

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Get paternity tested
3. See the best lawyer you can afford.

She has played you for a fool for years. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

If this is true look at 'The Guys' story

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15830-guy-cheating-wife.html


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap. Divorce.

Oh, and DNA each of your kids.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

dude.....man......get checked for STD's and divorce this *****


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I knew we had some problems in our marriage


You win Dawg:


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Thanks for the input everyone. Unfortunately this is really happening to me and my kids. I wonder how this has gone on for two years and I didn't know. I must have been in denial.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Unfortunately this is really happening to me and my kids. I wonder how this has gone on for two years and I didn't know. I must have been in denial.


Perhaps but we often tend to give the benefit of the doubt to those closest to us. Don't beat yourself up for this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Holy crap. Divorce.
> 
> Oh, and DNA each of your kids.


Yi... yi... yi... yikes! 

Just... wow. I feel your pain, mate. I really do.

Living with someone with a mental health issue is tough enough but, heck.

Have you brought this up with your families?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Unfortunately this is really happening to me and my kids. I wonder how this has gone on for two years and I didn't know. I must have been in denial.


*Simply: Read my primary post and you will see a dupe of unparalleled proportions. I was being cheated on for almost two years myself, and didn't have the first damned clue!

We all feel sorry for ourselves, and suffer from denial; still do occasionally! But you're among friends here who won't kick sand in your face!*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

SimpleGuy,

Your wife suffers mental illness. You have stuck by her despite two hospitalizations. Has she thanked you for that?

Do you think her promiscuous fornicating is a form of escapism?

The confession of multiple acts of illicit sex with numerous men may not be the whole picture. Nonetheless, your wife has confessed to a lot. She wanted to spill her guts instead of gaslighting and denying. That is positive.

Right now the first step is to tell yourself that you need to be strong. This includes faking it till you make it. You need to be strong to divorce or reconcile. Work very hard so that you can used fatigue to knock yourself out at night.

Do not start drinking again.

What does your wife say that she expected to achieve by confessing?

If you haven't made as much money as your wife thought you should have, you should remember that you have been distracted by her illness. Furthermore, she has been abusing you and have deep down inside felt it. No wonder your performance has been less than it might have been.

Racer's wife was a serial cheater. You might ask him for some advice.

File for divorce. Read about the 180 and put it into action.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> My wife has been hospitalized twice in the 10 years we have been married for bipolar mental breakdown.


Guy, a recent study found that 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have co-occurring BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. I mention this because, to some extent, both of these disorders can be passed from one generation to the other through genes giving the child a predisposition to developing the disorder. While it is unlikely any one of your four children will develop either of these disorders, they are at much greater risk of doing so if their mother has either of those two disorders. It thus seems prudent for you to learn the warning signs for both disorders.

I caution that, if one of your children has inherited the gene for bipolar or for BPD, it is highly unlikely you would have seen any strong signs of such a disorder at this time, given that the children's ages range from 5 to 12. The typical onset age for BPD is puberty (i.e., about age 13) and that for bipolar is 25 (with the normal range of bipolar onset being 18 to 30). 

I also caution that, even if one of your children does start exhibiting strong BPD traits, it will be extremely difficult to know whether he/she has a lasting problem -- until the child is at least 18 -- because a large share of healthy teenagers exhibit strong BPD traits for several years (as a normal response to the hormone surge occurring during adolescence). Indeed, strong BPD traits are so common during adolescence that psychologists usually refuse to diagnose BPD until the client is at least 18 years of age.

I therefore suggest you take a look at my description of the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of the BPD traits in that discussion sound very similar to your W's behaviors over the past 15 years, I would suggest you read my more comprehensive list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the children are dealing with. Take care, Guy.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Simple guy, if you are looking for anything relatively good from your situation, you can count yourself fortunate that this didn't go on for ten more years before you discovered it. The advice you've been given concerning the children is spot on and you will be lucky if any of them aren't one or more of her studs' prodigy.
it does happen.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP if this is true I am stunned

If not keep taking those classes in creative writing

You have a promising future

55


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would your wife feel if the roles were reversed?

There is no way to stay and fix this, she does not sound like she is sorry.

Be sure and expose to all her "OMs" and to their spouses, to your wife's family and to your family.

Time to get tested and stay away. Start the D and get custody.

you do not know what kind of men would be around your kids.

Sorry, but she does not sound like she is sorry, that she will stop or will not give you stds. As you have been advised, do test your kids.

She has been doing this a very long time.

good luck.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, I don't know what you are looking for. If it is happy words and encouragement that this can work out, you're not going to get it here. 

Some people can forgive one. 
Forgiving 15-25? Why even bother? Just forgive on your death bed instead of forgiving her monthly for a new fling. It will take less time. 


I first would suggest rereading your law books on the divorce clauses, and child support in your state. If you are on the hook whether you're the father or not because of the marriage, then don't bother with DNA testing. You can prove to the judge you aren't the father, and you'll still be paying child support. 
If you find out you can get out of it, then do DNA. 

Second, divorce. 
Your wife, if I can even call her that, shows no remorse. No care. 
Then you do whatever you want to do. If that involves going out with friends, do that. Or working 14 hour days, do that. Or spending time with the kids, do that. Whatever you do, don't spend time with her! 
Except sleeping around. Wait for divorce to do that. 

And some final advice. 
Your wife will eventually start changing. 
Likely crying, being upset, mad, hurt, and a host of other emotions. And it will probably hurt. 
You need to ignore them. Not to be cruel, but to protect yourself. 
And she'll probably start trying to bed you very soon, and constantly. 
It's called hysterical bonding. It happens in marriages when someone cheats like this, and they want to 'reclaim' their spouse in a sense. 
Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE! It will play with your head.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't keep going the way you are...I mean if she has any remorse she quits her job.

My old lady was doing the GNO and never sh!t were she ate. She was banging guy at the bars. Going there by her self to get phucked.

No more GNO...not even an option...even still after 5 yrs she will get spanked if she even tries to ask.

My point is your old ladie's fix is the out of town work crap so that stops...period!

If she questions you or tries to fight you on this then divorce...now.

There is no way in hell I would have kept my chick if she didn't obey me. That"s how I roll

And if any one wants to give me sh1t then screw off cuz I don't give a dam....After getting phucked over it's my way of the highway.

Right now OP has to find some balls and either start commanding respect or bail and file for D. With out a huge degree of submission from your old lady it's not even worth trying to keep her.

What really suck is OP sound like a straight up guy...educated and all....probably never touched his old lady and the b1tch went and phucked 5 more guys in a shorter time period then my old lady. My point is you didn't deserve this crap so GTFO.

One last thing...some thing tells me your old lady is going to tell you to pound sand if you tell her to quit traveling.

In your case I would rather go back to living in my truck then letting my old lady go out of town to work.

Even if she does submit and quits phucking around...you may never get that taste out of your mouth.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Wow. If this is true, sorry to hear. The most disgusting situation I have every heard. D, DNA and blood tests. Take time off work and do it this week.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Unfortunately this is really happening to me and my kids. I wonder how this has gone on for two years and I didn't know. I must have been in denial.


You'd be a fool to believe that it's been going on for only two years.

Like I said, DNA your kids.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You need to get control. You need to file for your kids to keep them safe. 

Your W needs help and all you are doing is making it easy for her not too.

File D and get custody now.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

If you have any joint finances clean out the account now. If you are not a family lawyer visit one and start proceedings ASAP.

Holy crap this woman is just plain evil the way you describe her calliousness.

Get legal advice and file for custody. She must not respect you at all.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have your attorney force a psychiatric evaluation of your wife in order to give you full custody. Assuming you are wanting to divorce her. I would NOT do DNA in this case because you're their dad and their mother is mentally ill. 

Good luck and prayers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, seriously going to your MD for temporary meds and a counselor that is good at PTSD and infidelity counseling.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's broken. Run.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow. Is all I can say. Just wow.

Sorry you're here. But I'm having a hard time understanding why she would fess up to sleeping with 25 guys, all because you saw a text that said, "Good morning Gorgeous."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

OP: this is serious emotional abuse. Get away from this woman as fast as you can. See a lawyer and get the D going pronto, DNA the kids, keep a VAR on you when you speak with her, and do the 180! 

You wife is seriously, seriously bad news. Get away from her.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow. Is all I can say. Just wow.
> 
> Sorry you're here. But I'm having a hard time understanding why she would fess up to sleeping with 25 guys, all because you saw a text that said, "Good morning Gorgeous."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. I'm a bit hesitant to chime in on this one, sound a tad extreme.

Besides OP, do you have actual questions at this point?


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

I saw the texts after she had visited a lawyer and told me it was over. I'm not sure why exactly she confessed to the extent she did other than maybe she was relieved to have finally been caught. I was never a husband that checked her phone or computer. I figured what is the point of marriage if we don't trust each other? I'm doing a ton of self reflection to see what part I played in this. It hurts so bad, my family is beautiful. If people saw us together on the street they would think we had it all.
I guess I'm also amazed at the level my wife took this to. I asked why repeatedly and got a variety of answers and explanations from her including, it felt good and it was easy, I don't think people were meant to be monogamous, having sex with men is like going to different restaurants sometimes you want to try different things. She had complained about not enjoying sex with me in the last number of months. Again, I thought it was something that could be addressed and fixed but I didn't know at the time she had been with so many people. No wonder she didn't like me that way, How could I ever compete with what was in her mind.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you doing the 180 on her?


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

What is the 180?


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

I looked it up and have been implementing a lot of those steps.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow. Is all I can say. Just wow.
> 
> Sorry you're here. But I'm having a hard time understanding why she would fess up to sleeping with 25 guys, all because you saw a text that said, "Good morning Gorgeous."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 No pun intended Clam, but the smallest little prick can pop even the largest balloon. It is quite possible that she was looking for some reason to spill the beans that didn't require her to do the lifting at all. With this minor discovery she took the opportunity to release all the pent up lies and guilt, although it was well disguised in her intent.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I saw the texts after she had visited a lawyer and told me it was over. I'm not sure why exactly she confessed to the extent she did other than maybe she was relieved to have finally been caught. I was never a husband that checked her phone or computer. I figured what is the point of marriage if we don't trust each other? I'm doing a ton of self reflection to see what part I played in this. It hurts so bad, my family is beautiful. If people saw us together on the street they would think we had it all.
> I guess I'm also amazed at the level my wife took this to. I asked why repeatedly and got a variety of answers and explanations from her including, it felt good and it was easy, I don't think people were meant to be monogamous, having sex with men is like going to different restaurants sometimes you want to try different things. She had complained about not enjoying sex with me in the last number of months. Again, I thought it was something that could be addressed and fixed but I didn't know at the time she had been with so many people. No wonder she didn't like me that way, How could I ever compete with what was in her mind.


many people were meant to be monogamous. You unfortunately got married to one who was not, and was very evil in the way she went about it.


So what is your current status ?


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## jaydee (Jan 21, 2013)

Pack her stuff and put it on the doorstep. Stay and look after your kiddies. Get tuff stop being used as a doormat!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The explanation is that's she's mentally I'll. Borderline and a bad case of that she's manic.


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

[QUOTE
she often would go to bars after the workday, spot a man she liked, remove her wedding ring and see if she could talk him into going back to her hotel room for sex. My wife is a pretty blonde woman about 135 lbs around 5'6 with a nice little curvy body, she still looks good after having four kids. [/QUOTE]

I know you've said that this is true but man it sounds verbatim for a Hollywood script and as it is sounds very close to the first (and only) episode I watched of the show my wife likes called "state of affairs." Where the sexy blonde lead actress in the show would meet up w men in bars and have flings just to forget about her fiancé who had died.

There's really nothing you can do but to detach from her. Easier said than done but finding out how many different men have been with your wife...IN YOUR WIFE... and the brazen way the current a$$clown is texting her "gorgeous" hopefully will make you form a B line to a crystal clear path of getting this leper siren out of your life. 

Also, after getting finances in order and papers drawn, and your "ducks in a row" I'd have a "chat" with some of these duechebags. I know that's not considered "wise" protocol, but I wouldn't be able to help myself. This is your wife, and some of these POS' knew she was married. If your not up for it, I'd find someone who is. Absolutely.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Ok if we accept this 

Just to give us a little more knowledge
What *exactly* is the situation at the moment in regards to:-

a. Lawyer involvement
b. Situation with sleeping arrangements
c. Her job and when does she leave again
d. Do you want a divorce
e. Does she want a divorce
f. Is immediate separation possible
g. Have you arranged D.N.S. for the children
h. Have you informed family if yes who?
I. What steps are you taking to help you come to terms with this ...e.g. I.C.
j. As her job takes her away custody will I expect be with you as the main stay so will there be support there?
k. Her mental stability will have to be considered obviously

Now the big question
what after a month are you planning to proceed with ?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I saw the texts after she had visited a lawyer and told me it was over. I'm not sure why exactly she confessed to the extent she did other than maybe she was relieved to have finally been caught. I was never a husband that checked her phone or computer. I figured what is the point of marriage if we don't trust each other? I'm doing a ton of self reflection to see what part I played in this. It hurts so bad, my family is beautiful. If people saw us together on the street they would think we had it all.
> I guess I'm also amazed at the level my wife took this to. I asked why repeatedly and got a variety of answers and explanations from her including, it felt good and it was easy, *I don't think people were meant to be monogamous, *having sex with men is like going to different restaurants sometimes you want to try different things. She had complained about not enjoying sex with me in the last number of months. Again, I thought it was something that could be addressed and fixed but I didn't know at the time she had been with so many people. No wonder she didn't like me that way, How could I ever compete with what was in her mind.



If so then why she didnt told you this?

She confessed and continued her As because she respected you, your marriage, your feelings and your children like a used sanitary napkin not because she was relieved that finaaly get caught. If that was the case she might have ended all her As and become truly remorseful.

Do the 180, she is too toxic for you and children.
DNA test, STD test.
Lawyer up and file before she files.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There have been a few situations on this board where couples have reconciled after a particularly brutal betrayal by the WS; including me. So it's not impossible *if* the wayward is totally submissive.

But in your case, the combination of the severity of her cheating, her non-remorse, and her mental issues; makes R a pipe dream. You'd be setting yourself up for continued misery if you attempted it. There is absolutely no reason to believe that she wouldn't cheat again; but even if she didn't, it doesn't matter.

You need to get away from her and start a new life as soon as you can. Implement the 180 to detach from her, get to an attorney asap to have her served, and put together an exit strategy that is best for you and your children.

Stop blaming yourself, get off your @ss, and get busy doing what you know you have to do.

Good luck.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> ...I'm not sure why exactly she confessed to the extent she did other than maybe she was relieved to have finally been caught..


I believe she wanted to hurt you as much as she could.



SimpleGuy357 said:


> .....got a variety of answers and explanations from her including, it felt good and it was easy, I *don't think people were meant to be monogamous*, having sex with men is like going to different restaurants sometimes you want to try different things.....


Then why did she ever marry? And why didn't she let you in on this outlook she had about monogamy?

Sorry you are here...180, concentrate on your kids and your health and attempt as little contact with her as possible.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hurry and D. Then watch. She'll marry another beta to be her new dormat and continue her assault on the country. (If this is real). 

Btw, how not to be a beta. MMSLP. Man up.

MMSLP is a book. Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. By Athol Kay. 

Everything you've been taught about women is wrong.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

You need to be posting in the Divorce section, there's nothing to to save here, it's over and you need advice on how to proceed with a divorce. Nothing you do is going to matter, to her you are just an object, nothing more.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Again, I thought it was something that could be addressed and fixed


Get that crap out of your head my man. When a woman decides you ain't worth the sacrifice of a one man, one woman relationship, nothing you or anybody else is going to change that. She wants variety in men and that is that Dawg. Your thoughts, wants, wishes and $3.00 will be you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> SimpleGuy357 said:
> 
> 
> > Again, I thought it was something that could be addressed and fixed
> ...


Right on again Phoenix, what a horrible situation to land in. My sympathies are with you simple guy


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Firstly I know this is painful and I am sorry you are in this position. However her confession made somethings easier for you, in that you didn't have to dig the truth out of her and exacerbate the problem. Now you need to move to the next step. 

I don't know what kind of law you practice, but you need to find out the divorce laws in your state. If infidelity plays a legal factor, then I would recommend that you exploit the fact to get an advantageous settlement. As you are aware, the law does not care about feelings, so I would recommend you get the best settlement you can get, while she is on the move on mode. You know how fickle bipolars can be, so strike while the iron is hot. 

Secure your finances so you don't have funds disappear unexpectedly. Set up child visitation plan on a set schedule to help stabilize the childrens environment. This should favor you since she will be gone periodically anyway. The children should have their jobs to do and keeping a consistent schedule is important. 

You know that she can be manic, so you have to keep an even keel and not let her drag you into arguments. If she starts to get to you to much, disengage from her, but don't let her see you sweat. Plan fun things with the kids when you have them to help with the transition. I know this won't be easy, but you deserve much much more. She can get a long line of men that will have sex with her, but they don't value her. There are plenty of women that will value you for who you are for real. Don't be her doormat any longer, you have to value yourself.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Wow.

Obviously this woman feels entitled to her behavior...and has you so sublimated in her life. That is so sad, but you know some people just don't know how to appreciate things until it is all blown to bits. She is just not living in the reality that all of these things are going to come back and bite her in the arse. Not to mention herpes. 

Get yourself very far away from this woman and the destructive crater she will create when her life plummets...especially when you aren't around to be the marital scapegoat.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
There was a post on this board very briefly from a poster named "pastor" I believe and the gist of the post was that when man fell from grace it was the woman who consorted with the devil and therefore all women are in essence brides of satan. I do not believe that many women fall into this category but your wife, without a doubt, does. She even stated that she "fell in love" with one of her tryst partners but how can this be seeing she has no concept of love whatsoever. She is not even giving thought to what this is going to do to her own children and the hell they will now endure. 

I am so sorry for your loss but be assured that there are women out there that can make this better, just get away from this one.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,][/B]
> There was a post on this board very briefly from a poster named "pastor" I believe and the gist of the post was that when man fell from grace it was the woman who consorted with the devil and therefore *all women are in essence brides of satan..*


Arhhhh at last the explanation I've been looking for


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

My advice is not to spend time trying to figure out why crazy people do crazy things.*

Take care of yourself, take care of your children.

That means a visit for STD testing & getting a good divorce attorney. 

*(Not to make light of mental illness)


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Holy $hit.

I feel a lot better about myself after reading your story.

Sorry.

Wow.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your old lady is done with the marriage. At least you have a clear direction in which to head towards.

So many betrayed spouses get the "I'm confused" bull crap from their wayward spouses. At least you are not in limbo...you know exactly what your old lady want and it's not you or your core values.

Give the sl^t 10 more years and she figure out what a phuck up she has become!

I have nothing against sl^ts...hell I married one...but I'm wired different then most, I have a thing for biker chicks.

I'm guessing the kids will get in the way of her out of town tricks. It's clear she won't pull any tricks in her home town, so at least you have your kids more then her. I suggest you encourage her to travel more.

It sucks but your kids won't get their mother back for another 5-10 years.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hi, I am a new member although I've been a reader for some months now. A bit about myself, 34 year old attorney in a small midwestern town, married to my wife for almost 10 years, but together for 15 as a couple. We have 4 children 12, 11, 7, and 5. My wife works full time, as I do, however her work requires travel about 15% of the time, taking her to different areas of the country for architectural/building design work. We have not had the smoothest time as a married couple or as parents, having had two of our children before we were married and established in our careers. We had a lot of support from our families and have lived, and still do, close to where we grew up. My wife has been hospitalized twice in the 10 years we have been married for bipolar mental breakdown. Each hospitalization has been for about a week at a time. She is prescribed medication that she has not always been consistent about taking. She is manic but not a depressive type, when she is in manic phase she is laser focused and extremely self-assured, world beater type, excels at work, does side work for extra income, etc. She has a real mean streak, though, and has been critical throughout the marriage about how much money I make, how hard I work, what I contribute to the household, etc. I should also mention that she has said for many years that I am not as attractive at 34 as I was at 19 when she fell in love with me. She has mentioned divorce on and off for awhile now it seems, with the divorce talk really ramping up in November/December of this last year 2014. She blamed it in most part on my not being "successful" and having a drinking problem. Full disclosure, I was drunk in front of my kids on a couple of occasions, not falling down drunk but slurry and grouchy when they started to misbehave. I take responsibility for those actions and have curbed my drinking entirely. She went and saw a divorce attorney in early December and on December 19 I was home from work sick with the flu with one of our daughters. My wife couldn't find her phone and went to work without it, asking me to try and locate it while she was at work. I went upstairs to find my daughter playing a game on her phone which I then picked up the phone from my daughter and noticed a new text message from a man in CO. The man must have been a regular contact because he had a profile pic next to his text. I opened the text and it was his asking if my wife had good memories, my wife had responded that she "always" had great memories, to which he replied, "like what", to which my wife had replied, "your robe, your broccoli,..." The recent text was him saying "good morning gorgeous" to my wife. There was also another text from a different named guy who had also said "good morning gorgeous". I was very stressed out about this and waited until she had come home and confronted her about the texts. She calmly said, oh yeah, that's Bill, he sends me a text every day... I ask about the other guy and she said she hadn't seen him since the summer. She admitted being unfaithful but said not to blame just those two guys, that she had slept with between 15 and 25 men throughout the country while on her business trips, that she had joined an online website where she could change the zipcode to where she was headed and arrange to meet men for sex, that she often would go to bars after the workday, spot a man she liked, remove her wedding ring and see if she could talk him into going back to her hotel room for sex. My wife is a pretty blonde woman about 135 lbs around 5'6 with a nice little curvy body, she still looks good after having four kids. She admitted that she had a few "repeaters" that she liked to visit and the she had even "fallen in love" with one soldier guy she met on that site from NC. I am completely destroyed in so many ways just thinking about this. It's been a few weeks but I still can't hardly sleep at night and wake up soaked in cold sweats. I should also mention that she continued to get texts from the CO guy that were extremely graphic sexually about coming and stretching her out and making her sore, coming on his face, etc. I am utterly destroyed thinking about this. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in terms of advice but I wanted to share this horror story. My life now feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I knew we had some problems in our marriage but I thought that we would get better and work things out as our kids got older. We had sex about once per week or as many times as having four kids and jobs would allow. To think that my wife was giving the best part of herself to strangers just destroys me.


 Look. Your a college educated man. You have enough smarts to know right from wrong, good from bad so you tell me what is there to save? Wanna know? NOTHING!

Now one thing you better do is go find your big boy pants that you lost somewhere along the line, put them on and do something about this.

Find a divorce lawyer, protect your interests, protect your kids and your sanity and unload this disaster of a woman ASAP! Start standing up for yourself. Let her know that she's more then welcome to screw the whole state where you live for all you care but for her to use her home base someplace else but she's not welcome there any longer.

I hope you saved those messages that were on her phone. My advice is to carry a VAR with you and let her hang herself with her own words.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

What everyone said! 

I'm not versed in marital infidelity as I haven't experienced it. 

But for me this is a complete deal breaker. No question about it. I know your world is completely shaken. The good news is that it can only get better. Get all the evidence you can and get your kids away from her. 

It will take time, but one day your world will be 1000% better. There's that cheesy phrase, "Don't look back! You're not going that way!" You're young. So many good things to come from here. I know it sounds ridiculous right now, but it will happen.

My fiance's ex wife (She, too had a history of mental illness) cheated on him... He went through hell and now he's with me...someone faithful, kind, fun, and who adores him. 

If it were me I would completely detach emotionally and just do what I had to do for now. She shows no remorse so neither should you.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I'd recommend that you start putting together a divorce plan so that you won't get caught off guard if she decides to file first and to start mentally preparing you for life after divorce. Information is power.


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

I want to thank everyone who posted. It has helped me a lot. I'm obviously not telling many people in my life what I'm going through because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened. I'm glad I found this site


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I want to thank everyone who posted. It has helped me a lot. I'm obviously not telling many people in my life what I'm going through because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened. I'm glad I found this site


Sorry for your pain. Lots of us have been there and the worst part is that we are not the ones that should be shamed and embarrassed, but yet we shoulder that burden. Remember you are not responsible for her cheating. Those actions are solely on her and hers to own. DOn't let yourself get talked into taking responsibility for those cheating actions.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry you are here. I can say without a doubt the best path is D. I do not see this getting sorted to anything that looks close to normal.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Does adultery influence divorce in your state? She may be very open now about what she’s done but that may chance if it costs her money. Talk to your lawyer and collect evidence, texts etc.

DNA the kids. Buy a DNA kit at Walmart, Amazon or about any drug store for $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kids with a Q-tip and send it off to a lab with $130 more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have NOTHING to be ashamed about. You are not responsible for what another human chooses to do. Be proud that you're a good man and a good father and share regrets with people that you got stuck with the POS wife you ended up with. That is all. They'll commiserate, not laugh at you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I'm obviously not telling many people in my life what I'm going through because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened."

Stop this line of thinking ASAP...get counseling for it if necessary,because it is a crystal clear proof of a co-dependent thought process.

The only people who need to feel ashamed and embarrassed here are your traitorous WW and her POSOMs (if they knew she was M and/or are M themselves)

EXPOSE your WW's A's and the POSOMs completely to all friends and family, and to the BSs of the POSOMs.

Let them start to feel the shame and embarrassment from others for their crappy behavior.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I want to thank everyone who posted. It has helped me a lot. I'm obviously not telling many people in my life what I'm going through because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened. I'm glad I found this site


Illogical though it is, the shame, embarrassment, and humiliation that goes on in the "real life" of posters is sometimes kinda overlooked here. Folks get all zealous to advise on the swiftest fix, and forget how screwed up your head and nerves can be.

Its a crying shame some spouses feel they are better or entitled, and lack the humility to consider their vows, and the impact of their actions.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow. Is all I can say. Just wow.
> 
> Sorry you're here. But I'm having a hard time understanding why she would fess up to sleeping with 25 guys, all because you saw a text that said, "Good morning Gorgeous."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, and there are other questions too. For instance has she said that she wants a divorce? Does she want you to keep her from doing more? Is she happy with the status quo?

And even more important, what do YOU want? She is telling you the truth though there may be more "adventures" that she hasn't told you about. I say that because the only thing worse than two dozen affairs would be a wife who would make such stuff up in order to hurt her husband.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

jaydee said:


> Pack her stuff and put it on the doorstep. Stay and look after your kiddies. Get tuff stop being used as a doormat!!!!


I'd keep my eye on the goal, which is divorce. They both seem to want a divorce. Why exacerbate the situation by adding revenge to the mix? What will it gain?


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