# Defining long term success



## aine

Wonder how you folks would define "Long term success in marriage."

I am married almost 25 years, it might be long but I would not deem it successful, but if we are still together 5 years from now at 30 years maybe I will consider it successful, who knows?


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## heartsbeating

I'm hoping this thread will receive interesting and varied responses!

Our 22 years, my initial thought is around growth... growing together and facing life together. That encompasses daily life; the micro decisions we each make for the benefit of our relationship as well as one another and perhaps too, wanting one another to be the best we can and want to be. Gosh it sounds cheesy. There's a whole lot of nuances gathered in these thoughts and yet, I can only muster words resembling a Hallmark sentiment. 

Why might you consider 5 years from now successful compared to where you're at now?


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## jld

Stable and generally happy. No big issues with kids. No financial (or other) drama. 

Basically, two people who are good, solid lifetime companions for each other. Contributing more to society than they are taking from it.


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## aine

heartsbeating said:


> I'm hoping this thread will receive interesting and varied responses!
> 
> Our 22 years, my initial thought is around growth... growing together and facing life together. That encompasses daily life; the micro decisions we each make for the benefit of our relationship as well as one another and perhaps too, wanting one another to be the best we can and want to be. Gosh it sounds cheesy. There's a whole lot of nuances gathered in these thoughts and yet, I can only muster words resembling a Hallmark sentiment.
> 
> *Why might you consider 5 years from now successful compared to where you're at now?*


Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.


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## jld

aine said:


> Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.


I think your trust in him would have to be restored for this to ever be called a successful marriage, aine. 

I hope he will be able to do that.


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## EllisRedding

When your wife farts in front of you and has no regrets


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## Satya

Just over a year for Odo and I... But 2nd marriage for both of us. We have a long way to go. I always thought of long term as 40 or 50+ years!


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## EllisRedding

Will be married for 15 years this summer, and been together nearly 20 years. I would say the ability to maintain your individuality but also consistently work as a team (i.e. raising a family, finances, etc...). Always caring about your spouses's needs.


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## heartsbeating

Satya said:


> Just over a year for Odo and I... But 2nd marriage for both of us. We have a long way to go. I always thought of long term as 40 or 50+ years!


Odo is a lucky man. 'It's a marathon, not a track meet..'

It's a funny thing, time... a relative concept.. my mind is peering into the rabbit hole.

Satya, as a woman whose posts I've always respected, what do you feel is successful for your marriage?


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## CharlieParker

25 years later this year, all without infidelity or attempted homicide, that's a good start. We still do and always have liked being around each other, have sex, have deep respect for one another, have fun and laugh, will clean up the other's puke when needed (her turn, I got food poisoning the other day) or more in general step up when the other can't (have each other's backs). We like to say we are great cell mates (not a typo).


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## urf

aine said:


> Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.


The other shoe drops.


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## urf

50 years. 50 years and I still feel like a boy when I am near her. I'm always near her. We have raised our family. They are good men and have solid lives, good wives and wonderful children. Our boys remain close friends and turn to each other for advice. They visit often. We vacation together as a family every once in the while. I am proud of the family that my wife and I created. I am proud of her and consider her the most beautiful woman I've ever met. True she was model beautiful as a 25 year old but that was only the outside. She is even more beautiful on the inside. Every one knows it. Everyone envies me for what I have everyday. I try never to take that for granted. She appreciates everything I do or say and I often don't know why. We spend more time together than any couple that I know. We always have. We worked together and we play together. We are totally dependent on each other for everything and we would never let the other down.

No drama, no jealousy, no lies. I would marry her again if I could. Her father knew. When I asked him for her hand and his blessing he said...

You can do worse. Turns out I could do no better than her. Everyday I see her smile and thank my good instincts. I feel in love with her the moment I saw her. I married her 6 months after that. I am a happy man.

It's all luck.


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## Satya

heartsbeating said:


> Satya, as a woman whose posts I've always respected, what do you feel is successful for your marriage?


Right back at you, @heartsbeating! Thank you for saying so.

I suppose if I had to mention things in order of importance, it would be:

Communication - can't stress this enough. It's HOW you communicate with each other. Is it respectful? Do you pause before you speak your side? Do you listen as often as you speak? I'm a big talker, so listening is something I have to stay conscious of. Do tempers flare easily? Learn to stop the conversation when it's clear you are not on the same page. It avoids lot of anger.

Care - mainly, just show it. Ask how the day went, make a cup of tea for your spouse when it's cold outside, fill the car/truck with gas when it's empty. Whatever little things you can do that don't expend a great deal of time or energy... They all add up. Odo will make a point to bring me a salad from our favorite Greek place if he's passing by, when he knows I'm home working, because I often forget to eat when I'm busy. When I leave for business for a few days I leave notes hidden for him to find. It's when we cease to do the little things that we should start to be concerned. Life usually interferes with our ability to remember those little things are important to maintain.


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## Married but Happy

There are - or can be - various measures of success. Time - IMO - is not necessarily one of them.

In the past, marriage was primarily about property and progeny - in other words, inheritance and ensuring family wealth and continuity. So, if a marriage produced heirs, increased/maintained assets/influence, it was considered a success. Happiness and love between the spouses wasn't necessarily a concern, but a pleasant bonus. 

In recent time, marriage is more about love in addition to the traditional goals of property and progeny. If you have a number of good years together, reach mutual goals, and experience some personal growth, then it's a success even if it ends soon or stressfully.

My first marriage was a long term success (we achieved our goals and produced successful offspring), even though it wasn't happy of fulfilling interpersonally. My second marriage is a greater success (goals; we were/are both past having children), and is also happy and fulfilling in every way.


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## Andy1001

My Mom and Dad were married over forty years when they died.My brother and his wife are married over thirty and counting.My mom worked all her life,she was a PhD and lectured at Harvard and my Dad was a property speculator.My sil was a sahm and even now just does a few hours volunteering each week.I honestly have never heard my brother and sil fight and I lived with them for a few months.My mom and Dad had some humdingers though lol.Both couples had one thing in common,they did everything together and hated to be apart for even one night.


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## Vinnydee

I can count our big fights on one hand. We had a few monkey wrenches thrown at us like my wife falling ill on our wedding night and being confined to bed for a little more than a year. No sex and no money. Had to quit college for a full time job instead of pursuing my passion. Then my wife came out as bisexual and said all she does is fantasize about women but did not want to cheat on me. We also relocated 13 times and I was gone for months at a time overseas on business. My wife has decorated 9 homes we had lived in. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

We recently celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary. My wife got better and after pursuing other professions, very successfully I might add, I ended up in IT which was my goal since I was a teen. My wife got me and her girlfriend together to see if we were compatible in bed. We were and then my wife joined us. Our girlfriend moved in with us and was in our life for 30 years. It was a great life without even an argument due to our lifestyle. We had great fun, happiness, love and a fantastic sex life that I never dreamed possible for me. I made a very good living which enabled us to live a lifestyle that was beyond our dreams growing up very poor. 

So we both had the love of two people, great sex because three provides more things to do than two, a lifestyle that enabled us to indulge our wants without worrying about paying bills. We lived large and did not deny ourselves anything within our grasp. I am a corporate officer in charge of a national network, did program and design software plus became one of two worldwide experts in one of my professions which greatly increased my income. Now I work at home 3-4 days a week and make my own schedule. We are semi retired and I will retire slowly over the next few years because I love my job and most times I have nothing to do other than to be available for a salary and 25% of the net profits.

We did well despite our backgrounds and initial problems. I met my wife on a train, stalked her to her house and 3 weeks later we were engaged and then married within 9 months. We had $500 between us and I was going to college on a scholarship which I had to abandon when I joined the workforce but it turned out well. I made more money in my former profession than I do now. My wife and I still love each other, maybe more, from the time we fell in love with each other at first site. I even told my friend that I was going to marry her the day after I saw her. He thought I was kidding because I was voted most likely to divorce first due to my habit of having a new girlfriend ever two weeks.

So I feel we are a success in our marriage as well as our personal lives. We are no longer with our girlfriend, but the plan was for her to move here near us with her husband but fate and losing all their money in the stock market, got in the way and although she offered, we did not want her to leave her husband for us. He is a doctor and a very nice guy that we have socialized with for many years. Yes, people like us do exist if you know where to look and we can have great marriages and lives when the right combination of people come together. We basically were in an ethical non monogamous marriage, mostly a poly triad, but have had periods of monogamy and/or being poly fidelitous. We have been monogamous for the last 6 years because of our age and medical issues. We do miss our old life but we are enjoying our new life more and more, except for the mountain of prescription pills and multiplying medical problems. I can die today and have no regrets. We both did everything we ever wanted to do and more. I have been to 21 countries, experienced combat, rubbed shoulders with rich and powerful people and had a very happy fulfilling life and marriage. We are more than successful. We are uber successful.


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## Jessica38

Great question! If I can look back on our marriage at the end of my life and say that we have no major regrets, I'd consider that very successful. I can tell you now (after 15 years) that if I had to do it over again, I would. We love and care deeply for each other, and we both feel we are giving our children a great example of a healthy marriage. This last one is SO important to me as I did not feel I had that growing up.


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