# Surviving the aftermath of my abusive, co-dependent wife's affair



## burningmidnight (Aug 10, 2015)

It is about about a month since she left to another city to be with the man she had both an emotional and physical affair. My soon-to-be ex wife cheated on me with her patient which was both unethical and illegal. We have been together for four years. We have been married for 2 years. We have no children. Sorry for the long and messy post. I have a lot to get off my chest. I am 25 and she is 24. 

Background: we met each other at 21 when we both at community college. She just emigrated from Albania and I was recovering from depression. I was in a good place since I finally recovered. I like her. I like to talk to her and being around her. It took three months until we had a full relationship. Then it turned to marriage for the next three years. It was our first relationship. I saw it as a sign from God, since I always wanted to have someone to love. This was my only chance at being loved in life, I thought. I had a history of depression. We did many things that I cherish and love, but it was truly a rocky road for us.

Background of the affair: up until she was chatting with her new patient at a mental intuition she is working as a psych tech, he would pass her notes and they would talk. This continued for two weeks. He would make passes at her which she returned. He would tell her his problems and how the life they would have together. She was physically attracted to him. She made that clear to me. The patient was taller than me and a singer which she found irresistible. He was beloved by the entire place and hit on by many of the other female patients. He has had more problems that I did. He has a history of depression. He also had kid from a previous relationship and possibly another on the way with different woman. He had a history of drug abuse. He is a regular Casanova. She would tell me everything about him to me once she came home, sparing no detail no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. I was dying inside. I cried so loud. I told her to stop. She wouldn’t. Then one night she came home, we argued for the entire night. She reluctantly admitted to kissing him. I lost it. I became terribly depressed. I woke up crying and left the house for a week. I truly was suicidal. I had the intent and the reason. She wouldn’t care. She would go to work. Often time, she said she was honest about her feelings for him and did nothing wrong. She would start planning her life with him in front of me. I couldn’t imagine a life without her because I devoted everything to her. I came close to suicide. Thankfully, I checked myself in a crisis care program where I was constantly watched and got a few therapist to talk to for a week. She never once checked up on me. I didn’t know who I am after losing her. I had no identity. I still don’t have an identity. Once I got out of the program, she only asked to come by to get her stuff. She never once checked in on me. She never cared about me. She then disappeared for a month to work things out with the other guy.

This was not the first time she did something like this. She would often put other men who might have interest in her in my face. She would bring up how they made her feel and how they looked. This would kill me emotionally because I did not even look at another woman. I was committed to her. This happened all the time. She always liked to the attention of the other men talking to them. She would flirt with them. She would talk to them better than she ever did me. She would bring up how they made her feel whenever I did something wrong. When it didn't pan out, she would return to me like nothing ever happened. She would say that it was not right and that I was the good man of it all. She would just say she was trying to bring out emotion in me. I never liked showing my emotions. I never felt safe and secure with her because of this. She never considered this cheating and I grudgingly forget about what has happened. I do realize that it was cheating.

I tried to be the best husband I could be. This was our first relationship that turned to marriage too quickly. I was engulfed by her. I accepted very bad habit and ignored every red flag she did. First, she wouldn't accept me as a person. She would put me down and make me feel weak. I was never good enough. I felt like that I was the sole problem of the relationship. She would loudly complain about all the problems I had and caused. She didn’t want me to be seen in public with her. I had to watch what I said to other people. I had to be on my best behavior. I never felt like I had much of a value. On the hand, I would repeatedly help her with her insecurity. I accepted everything about with no problem and no question. I loved her for who she is. Whatever weakness she had, I tried to make it go away. I listened and helped as best as I could. Still I was seen as weak, short, unambitious and ineffective. I had to do a career she saw as respectable and good. Moreover I had no other friends. She was my only friend. I am not very sociable and extremely introverted. I believe the success of a marriage is the type of friendship is based on. I was her best friend and husband. She was my whole world.

I always wanted her to be happy and successful. That was the only goal in my life. She achieved her high GPA and honors because I put her work over my own. I gave her the time to focus on her work. I would spend all night helping (or doing the work for) her with her papers and research. I graduated with a far lower GPA because I put her and her success first. Her friends would often comment on how happy she looked. She always felt loved, accepted and supported. Additionally, I excused every bad habit and action she ever did. I gave her time with her friends and family. Never once showing jealousy. I never got the same things. Whenever she was lonely and sad, I had to be there. No question asked. I would bend and give it. While my and her family noted that I wasn’t myself, I just sank deeper and deeper into her. There was no me anymore and I felt empty. I told her about my emptiness, but this never consider this a problem and ignored it. She never wanted to deal with any of my problems. 

Moving on, when the guy didn’t work out the way she dreamed, she talked to me saying how everything is hell for her and how I should take comfort in that. She still remains with the patient because she thinks she could make his life better by being with him. And because he genuinely loves her. Through she misses the security and safety I offered her and the things we did together. However she would still like me to be her friend because that is what I did best. I told her no. She believes that it was the distance in our marriage that destroy us. She simply fell out of love with me. So she still wants me her ‘friend’, her best friend. She offer this to be as consolation. The reason I was distant to her because I wanted her to put some serious effort in our relationship. I wanted to feel accepted, supported and loved. She wouldn’t give. Furthermore, she says because I couldn’t give the passionate love she was after. I couldn’t give it because I was too busy and tired. I had to clean our house after work, to do the laundry, go shopping and prepare her food. She would just tell me about her day, eat and go sleep. She would not do anything. I had to be do much of the work that I got fed up with everything.

She said that it was inevitable that our marriage was over. She told me that the first one never works out. Now she wants her freedom. She argues she never cheated on me because she told me everything outright. She says she was honest with me from the beginning. I seriously doubt it. I called her out on her lack of morals and virtue. She then guilt me how I was treating her. I was being rude to her. I had every right to be angry at her, but she would deflect it. She would delude herself that she was a good person who just made a mistake. She would shame me into making feel bad for her and what she has lost. She wouldn't never accept any responsibility for her actions. She said just because she was honest with me, thus making it not an affair and that she was a "good" faithful wife to me. All she would do is paint herself like the victim and blame me or my family for the destruction of the marriage.

For two straight weeks, she would hound me for the separation agreement. She decided to move in with this man despite knowing him for only month. Again, she stays because she thinks she can save him and make his life better. She thinks it "love" because of the strong feelings they have for each other. However she has no more people to turn to anymore. Her parents are not helping her and I have tried my best to cut off contact with her. She gave up her job for him, moving in with him without having no job or money. He doesn't have either as well, She took two thirds of our savings to a down payment for her apartment. I was only left with $1000 dollars. She doesn't even have enough money to pay rent at her new place. She knows she is taking a chance with him. She still hopes it will work out. I should take comfort in that, but it doesn't make me feel any better. She's hoping everything will turn out wonderful with him, however she relented on the separation agreement. She's still keeping me as an ace in hole if the other guy doesn't pan out. I regret giving her that choice.

Right now, I am healing from the ordeal. I know what kind of person is. I just want to know when the storm will pass. I feel lonely. I also feel damaged by realizing what type of relationship I was in and the affair. I am out of the love game for a long time. I go now to peer support groups and will start counseling. 

Thank you for reading!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your wife has made her choice. The choice to betray you and break her wedding vows. You have to accept this and move on.

Consider yourself fortunate that you have no children with her and that this happened early in your marriage - so you didn't waste decades more of your life with her. From that standpoint, she's done you a favor. You have every opportunity to find a faithful partner and improve your happiness.

Implement the 180 to detach from her. Hire a divorce attorney and have her served - asap. Don't give her any notion that you will stand by and be her plan B. Don't communicate with her again. Without children, there's no reason to get in any type of back in fourth with her. She can talk to your attorney - who by the way, can help you remedy her raiding of your bank account as part of the divorce settlement.

Work on yourself. Hit the gym, get counseling if you need it. Get out and mingle with friends. Find your anger at her and use it to increase your resolve to put her in your rear view mirror. That can't happen soon enough.

Sorry you're here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do the 180 and divorce.

She is a tramp and tramps don't need friends just the next penis.

My first marriage is working fine after 20 years. She is a moron and you can do better.

Improve yourself and forget you ever wasted time with her.

Stop talking with her. She is vile to be such a cheater and still want to talk to you about it.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Two of my male friends were burned badly by marrying Eastern European women. The more of these stories I hear about how treacherous they are, the more I'm convinced that Western men should stay the hell away from them period. 

Sorry you are going through this friend. Divorce her and move on. Get some counseling for codependency. And read N_o More Mr. Nice Guy_. You can download it off the web.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*



She told me that the first one never works out

Click to expand...

*It would have been nice if she had told you this up front huh?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> It would have been nice if she had told you this up front huh?


No sh*t bandit that stuck out to me too 

I bet she says the same thing about the 2nd and 3rd marriages too

Someone was looking out for the op to send this pos his way before she got pregers and in the end crazy got crazy


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Count yourself lucky. She's gone..this could have went way worse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I got halfway through the second paragraph, and I dont need anymore informaiton. You are young, no children, and she is treating you this way. Divorce her now, and run for your life. Believe me, you are getting off easy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Goofy-ass Europeans man...

They act like life is one big Jack Kerouac road trip: do what the fvck you want....follow your muse... break your partner's heart if it is convenient and serves your desires ...


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You dont seem to have money. So much of the advice already given will hardly apply.
It seems she was the first girl you ever had and you havent had another since. You want her back at any cost. There are other fish in the sea (and over the sea!). You know she is no good for you but you cant let go until you find someone else. It is hard on you but has to be done.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When I worked in mental health at a hospital this was not uncommon with our psych techs. I can't tell you the number of disciplinary actions I had to manage with our psych techs, which often times led to them being fired. The behavior is not illegal by the way, unethical yes, and more times then not it would lead to folks getting fired for crossing the line of patient employee relationships, but not illegal. 

I know this is a difficult time for you. Down the road you will look back and realize that she was not worth the mental anguish that she is putting you through at this time.

Do the 180 and move on with your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> When I worked in mental health at a hospital this was not uncommon with our psych techs. I can't tell you the number of disciplinary actions I had to manage with our psych techs, which often times led to them being fired. The behavior is not illegal by the way, unethical yes, and more times then not it would lead to folks getting fired for crossing the line of patient employee relationships, but not illegal.
> 
> I know this is a difficult time for you. Down the road you will look back and realize that she was not worth the mental anguish that she is putting you through at this time.
> 
> Do the 180 and move on with your life.


Not illegal?

Unless someone wanted to push the angle of a person in a position of trust sexually abusing a vulnerable patient?

Wouldn't that constitute sexual assault or possibly even rape?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> When I worked in mental health at a hospital this was not uncommon with our psych techs. I can't tell you the number of disciplinary actions I had to manage with our psych techs, which often times led to them being fired. The behavior is not illegal by the way, unethical yes, and more times then not it would lead to folks getting fired for crossing the line of patient employee relationships, but not illegal.
> 
> I know this is a difficult time for you. Down the road you will look back and realize that she was not worth the mental anguish that she is putting you through at this time.
> 
> Do the 180 and move on with your life.


Are psych techs licensed T? Can they be brought before a review board for unethical behavior?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Are psych techs licensed T? Can they be brought before a review board for unethical behavior?


Licensed Psychiatric Technician: Licensure and Credential Information



> As of 2013, California, Arkansas, Colorado and Kansas were the only states that required licensure for psychiatric technicians. Requirements varied among these states, but typically included some college coursework and an examination.


Perhaps not, doesn't look like Virginia does.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

burningmidnight said:


> She's still keeping me as an ace in hole if the other guy doesn't pan out. I regret giving her that choice.


So WHY are you giving her the choice to make you plan B? So plan A (the mental patient mind you) doesn't work out and she's allowed to come back to you because of some perverse deal you cut with her? What the hell is wrong with you?

You're 25, no kids and married to a serial cheater? DUMP THIS POS TRASH. Is she Oscar the Grouch? No? Then don't be friends with garbage. Get help for your self esteem issues too. You act like no one else on this planet would want you.

I hope this isn't another "but she's a 9 and I'm a 6" thread...


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

From Albania?
OP consider yourself lucky, very very lucky.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She seems mentally ill herself.

But as Dollystanford once said that a professor said: "As far as the field of mental health care is concerned, a forest is a really good place to hide trees."

I think there's a possibility that your wife is delusion and she sees herself as a sort of Florence Nightingale figure, heroically trudging from one broken person to another, fixing them one at a time.

She thinks she is









But in reality she is more a case of


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

burningmidnight said:


> Background of the affair: up until she was chatting with her new patient at a mental intuition she is working as a psych tech, he would pass her notes and they would talk. This continued for two weeks. He would make passes at her which she returned. He would tell her his problems and how the life they would have together. She was physically attracted to him. She made that clear to me.


If she marries this guy... maybe she can cheat on him and find her third husband at her family reunion. 

I know it sucks now, but in the long run you are better off without her.


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## burningmidnight (Aug 10, 2015)

afab said:


> You dont seem to have money. So much of the advice already given will hardly apply.
> It seems she was the first girl you ever had and you havent had another since. You want her back at any cost. There are other fish in the sea (and over the sea!). You know she is no good for you but you cant let go until you find someone else. It is hard on you but has to be done.


I never said I wanted her back. I want to watch her crash and burn. I just want to heal and start saving money to divorce her. So far, I just want to vent it out.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm going to suspect her leaving you for a mental patient sows the seeds of karma in a serious way. Bail and be glad she didn't have you killed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vulcan2013 said:


> I'm going to suspect her leaving you for a mental patient sows the seeds of karma in a serious way. Bail and be glad she didn't have you killed.


But when OP met her, he was, in effect, a mental patient, too.

Now she is with another mental patient?

a pattern is forming...


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Some ladies like bad boys, his likes them mentally ill?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

gpa said:


> From Albania?
> OP consider yourself lucky, very very lucky.


Are you in the U.S. ? I feel sorry for you folk not knowing about the realities of the Balkans and Albania in particular - she has done you a huge (ginormous) favour by hooking up with the other shmuck! Trust me that you are well rid of her.

This was only the beginning - if you were wealthier i.e. a reason for her to stay with you and fvck others, it could have been a lot worse.

Dry your eyes, thank God for the favour He just did you and get on with your life!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

_"She's still keeping me as an ace in hole if the other guy doesn't pan out. I regret giving her that choice."_


Midnight my man, you don't regret it. You're hoping it doesn't work out between her and the other cat so she'll temporarily come back. If you regretted it, you wouldn't do it.
But let me clue you in on European women. Most American males are to way to weak and feminized to handle these babes. Many look good but they get over here and go crazy playing these stooges. Most women enjoy playing cat and mouse games and soon tire of weak men but the European girls are bred to kick the sh-t of them.
I live near a military base and seen more than my share of soldiers end up heart broken, financially busted and on trash pile of life after bringing back one of these babes with the sexy accent. They are some of the most dangerous creatures on the planet. They are like expensive European bikes; fun to ride but a hell of a cost and headaches to maintain.
Hence, I have reservations that even I could handle one of these girls long term. (nor would I want to) You, with your depression problems have and will get ground into powder. Take this opportunity to get completely clear of her. Your life may depend on it. Find a model that doesn't get joy out of watching you squirm. The parts operate are the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

burningmidnight said:


> I never said I wanted her back. I want to watch her crash and burn. I just want to heal and start saving money to divorce her. So far, I just want to vent it out.


You two have been married for a short time. You have no children. It sounds like you have very little in assets. So your divorce should be easy. 

You could do your divorce pro se (yourself). If you do that, the cost is usually only filing fees. It's cheap and easy. 

I don't know which country you are in, but I got the link to the Fairfax County self help site. There should be one for every country. Generally the forms are the same in all counties.


Divorce Information*- Fairfax County, Virginia

Here's a link to your legal aid too.

Divorce in Virginia


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

burningmidnight said:


> I never said I wanted her back. I want to watch her crash and burn. I just want to heal and start saving money to divorce her. So far, I just want to vent it out.


Only married a few years and no kids? You're still very young. You should be celebrating the fact that you dodged a huge bullet. 

Years from now you will look back on this and wonder why the frack you didnt dump her instead of her dumping you for some OM. Just save the money for the D. Don't be Plan B.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Right now the last thing you need is to be worried about what she wants. You went down that road and now your seeing where it got you.

Now it's time to think about yourself. Get a lawyer and have the divorce filed. Hand her the papers and let her know in a way she understands that your done and leave it at that. accept no phone calls from her, no communication of any kind and if your smart, take her to small claims court. She isn't allowed to take more then half the money.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Here is the op's marriage. (Sets him on fire and drags him behind a horse.)

And she wants to keep him as plan "B", just in case she needs him, so if he shows any signs of life "let the dragging begin"...again.











GOOD TIMES!


.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You seem to be still holding on and your words seem to try to justify the divorce. Get the agreement done, divorce her, watch your money because she is dishonest and call it a day on this dysfunctional marriage. Other than being cute which I suspect she is, she has little or no redeeming qualities and you could expect 20 years of hell were you to stay married. 
I suspect there could even be one more go with you, when the new guy runs out of money, you two reconcile, and she grabs another few thousands bucks before she beds down with the next guy. 

Hopefully you can find someone nice and settle down and in about 10 years with 2 great children and a new adoring wife, you can tell friends stories at 3 in the morning about your crazy first wife whom you fortunate to get rid of.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

If you want to pursue a scorched earth policy, you should report her relationship with her patient to her employer. It may not be technically "illegal", but it is regarded "unethical" because of the therapeutic relationship. She could potentially be fired (so do this after the divorce/alimony terms are finalized).
You can also report the employing institution to the state. They are still responsible for their employees. 

If the patient ever decided to claim he was sexually exploited, even in the absence of anything "illegal", he could potentially have a cause of action against your wife and her employer.


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