# My wife talking to ex



## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

We both decided that we should not be in touch with our ex, but recently I come to know that my wife is talking to her ex, it is also tough time going on for my wife as her mother recently expired but she has invited her ex for prayer meeting as well, we never disclosed our ex names with each other but I know she is talking to her ex, I don’t how to react now. I can’t control myself and when should I talk to her ?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would be very suspicious that she’s cheating.

Lots of threads here where wives cheat when a close relative dies. I don’t understand it, but it’s common.

Ex’s are most common person to cheat with.

Inviting ex to anything is disrespectful of you and shows her state of mind. She wants his company. 

You have two choices: be weak and lose your marriage, or be strong and be firm, fair, and unwavering in your demand that the ex is put on zero contact. Also make sure she knows that if the no contact rule with ex is broken, that you will file for divorce. And don’t let it be a bluff. Let it be reality.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You are her husband, you should be able to just ask her about it? 

That's what husbands and wives do. 

Aren't you going to the prayer meeting too?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

EX's are EX's for a reason. If she agreed no contact
then that means no contact. She is showing disrespect
for you and you need to stop it before it gets any worse.
Tell her do not ask why she invited him and if she wants him
there WHY? Tell her you are her husband now and no contact
with Ex's means no contact. She can call him in front of you and
tell him he can not come. Regardless of his past connection 
with her family. PERIOD accept nothing less.

You are the person she needs to lean on now not him.
TALK TO HER NOW!!!


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

I am going to prayer meeting but was not sure when to talk to her as she is already in pain and she is crying almost every 30 mins to remember her mother


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

I will talk to her today let’s see her priority


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She lost her mother got it. No reason to bring her X into it.

Better put your foot down and stop making excuses.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't use anger, just set your boundaries. 

Be present at all times. 

Be there for her. That will let her know you're her husband... (and him too)


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"it is also tough time going on for my wife as her mother recently expired"

Very often a woman's affair comes soon after a major life event. Parent dies, health problems, job change... a switch is flipped and the whole world in their head spins out of control.


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## Goldendan10 (Apr 19, 2018)

Slal said:


> We both decided that we should not be in touch with our ex, but recently I come to know that my wife is talking to her ex, it is also tough time going on for my wife as her mother recently expired but she has invited her ex for prayer meeting as well, we never disclosed our ex names with each other but I know she is talking to her ex, I don’t how to react now. I can’t control myself and when should I talk to her ?


About 6 weeks after our marriage, an ex boyfriend from our hometown began dropping by our married student housing trailer. They claimed
talking about home and stuff in general ...just talking and kidding around. I turned out that the kidding around turned into hot sex on several
occasions. We are still married..we worked it out.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Are there kids she had with the ex?


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

I spoke to her and she apologised and agreed she done wrong, but now I don’t feel to talk to her and I hardly spoken to her after explaining the situation. It irritate me when she told me that you also met your ex... 


before marriage and after I committed to her my ex came to my office and I just drop her to her house.. as soon as drop her my first call to my wife, and I told my ex never ever try to contact me again ,now this is nonsense she is telling me that instance to cover her mistake


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

Slal said:


> I spoke to her and she apologised and agreed she done wrong, but now I don’t feel to talk to her and I hardly spoken to her after explaining the situation. It irritate me when she told me that you also met your ex...
> 
> 
> before marriage and after I committed to her my ex came to my office and I just drop her to her house.. as soon as drop her my first call to my wife, and I told my ex never ever try to contact me again ,now this is nonsense she is telling me that instance to cover her mistake


You're right... but its normal to try and cover your mistakes. She didn't just cover them and deny it was wrong, she also apologised... accept her apology gracefully by allowing her to add a drop of an excuse. 

Anyway the main thing is that you've successfully achieved an understanding that she won't do it again, the only thing you can do now by rubbing in that she was wrong is to make her want to break that understanding.


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

Hi thanks all for your advices I appreciate your time.

Now I not able to decide , should I go to prayer meeting or not as she already invited her ex... I think by not going to prayer
Metting this message will clearly go that she did wrong and in future if these kind of situation come she need to face consequences, including separation.. please suggest


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you should go for her not because he might be there.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Slal said:


> Hi thanks all for your advices I appreciate your time.
> 
> Now I not able to decide , should I go to prayer meeting or not as she already invited her ex... I think by not going to prayer
> Metting this message will clearly go that she did wrong and in future if these kind of situation come she need to face consequences, including separation.. please suggest


You restated your boundary, now watch her actions in the future. But don't continue to beat her up about it - she made a mistake and as long as she stays clear of that boundary in the future then no need to keep bringing it up.

Her mother passed - I don't see any reason to add some kind of punishment to this. I would go to the prayer meeting in support of your wife and the loss of a loved one. If her ex is there, be cordial but not overly friendly.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to go there to keep an eye out for any interaction. And to signal to this guy that she is in fact taken. You're not out of the woods yet. Not if the ex boyfriend is still in the picture on any level.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Be at the prayer meeting, BY your wife, hugging her, comforting her. Hell, I would be stuck to her like a mole. if ex comes by to talk to her, put yourself between them. Let ex know he is gonna have to deal with you.


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## LifeCoachAndrea (Apr 22, 2018)

I work with many couples going through difficulties in their relationships, and one of the things that I have noticed that causes a lot of damage to a relationship is a breakdown in communication and assumptions that are made. I would caution to try to not read further into things than what might actually be there. If you are wondering how do you handle this in a healthy way that protects your best interests, it really all comes down to healthy communication between the two of you. If you are feeling uncomfortable about the interaction, talk to your wife and explain your uncomfortableness. Try to ask questions to seek out her reason for including her ex with the passing. It may just be that she is trying to connect to a feeling from the past when her mother was still here. The point is, try to discover the reason why as it may be something to simple. If you find it's something more than that, then I would put the focus on what may be missing in your marriage and strategize on what you both can do to make things better. Stay strong, set your boundaries, but please ask questions first before you come to any conclusion.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How well did the ex get on with her mother?

Why did they split up?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sounds like you did the right thing and asked your wife about it.

Your wife came clean and sounds like she understands she did wrong and "will not do it again".

Your responsibility now is to support your wife and not close yourself off to her in this time of need.

There was a reason she reached out to her ex and its not the one she gave you.

If you value your marriage/wife, you need to step up and protect it at this time.

Your wife has shown you something about herself that may not be in your best interest. How you handle it from here is up to you.


good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Slal said:


> I spoke to her and she apologised and agreed she done wrong, but now I don’t feel to talk to her and I hardly spoken to her after explaining the situation. It irritate me when she told me that you also met your ex...
> 
> 
> before marriage and after I committed to her my ex came to my office and I just drop her to her house.. as soon as drop her my first call to my wife, and I told my ex never ever try to contact me again ,now this is nonsense she is telling me that instance to cover her mistake


It wasn't a mistake. She purposely made the decision to contact him. 

She just making an excuse.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Just be there and support your wife during this tough time.
Keep an eye out for future contact with the ex thou.
If she felt the need to contact him this time maybe
(I hope not) she will do it again. Not really anything 
else you can do now. Just be vigilant from now on.
I hope this is a one time thing thou. Keep reinforcing 
boundaries to.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Slal said:


> Hi thanks all for your advices I appreciate your time.
> 
> Now I not able to decide , should I go to prayer meeting or not as she already invited her ex... I think by not going to prayer
> Metting this message will clearly go that she did wrong and in future if these kind of situation come she need to face consequences, including separation.. please suggest


Is this going to be a weekly thing?

Tell her you want to take her out on a date instead.

Edit: I didn't know this was before the funeral. The advice is good, go and hold your wife's hand.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Is this going to be a weekly thing?
> 
> Tell her you want to take her out on a date instead.


I think he is referencing the prayer service the night before MIL funeral.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I think he is referencing the prayer service the night before MIL funeral.


Oh --- Well then never mind. :grin2:


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Slal said:


> We both decided that we should not be in touch with our ex, but recently I come to know that my wife is talking to her ex, it is also tough time going on for my wife as her mother recently expired but she has invited her ex for prayer meeting as well, we never disclosed our ex names with each other but I know she is talking to her ex, I don’t how to react now. I can’t control myself and when should I talk to her ?


Set relationship boundaries and than stick to them, meaning if she is breaking your boundaries confront her on it, tell her it is unacceptable and enforce some consequences. If I'm reading your right she isn't telling you up front about this but rather lying and keeping it a secret? That's lying on top of everything else. You've got to be tough and willing to stand up for yourself and confront that and not accept it and set boundaries now. If she keeps it up anyway you've got to be willing to separate for a bit until she stops it. 

If you are wishy, washy and weak than this will just lead to bigger and bigger betrayals. Nip this in the bud now. If she won't stop than divorce should be on the table of options if she is lying and breaking previously agreed upon boundaries.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Slal,

I think you should go to the prayer meeting for two reasons.

1.) She might need your support during this time in her life.

2.) You need to show strength to her and the ex.

Best,
Dreamer


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LifeCoachAndrea said:


> I work with many couples going through difficulties in their relationships, and one of the things that I have noticed that causes a lot of damage to a relationship is a breakdown in communication and assumptions that are made. I would caution to try to not read further into things than what might actually be there. If you are wondering how do you handle this in a healthy way that protects your best interests, it really all comes down to healthy communication between the two of you. If you are feeling uncomfortable about the interaction, talk to your wife and explain your uncomfortableness. Try to ask questions to seek out her reason for including her ex with the passing. It may just be that she is trying to connect to a feeling from the past when her mother was still here. The point is, try to discover the reason why as it may be something to simple. If you find it's something more than that, then I would put the focus on what may be missing in your marriage and strategize on what you both can do to make things better. Stay strong, set your boundaries, but please ask questions first before you come to any conclusion.


Really, this is your advice? 

Who gives a F*** what her reasons are? It is wrong and disrespectful in every way. Dead mom or not, it does not matter. 

Is this really how you think in relationships, how is that working out for you? 

I be you are also one of those people that tells the husband that the affair is in the past and he needs to move forward and look to the future.

I know, it should go like this. Gee honey, why did you beat my brains out with that baseball bat? Was it something I said that upset you, or did you just want to kill me???? How did that make you feel? Anyway, I am sorry I got blood on your new baseball bat. I hope you are able to wash it off.

Good grief...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

LifeCoachAndrea said:


> I work with many couples going through difficulties in their relationships, and one of the things that I have noticed that causes a lot of damage to a relationship is a breakdown in communication and assumptions that are made. I would caution to try to not read further into things than what might actually be there. If you are wondering how do you handle this in a healthy way that protects your best interests, it really all comes down to healthy communication between the two of you. If you are feeling uncomfortable about the interaction, talk to your wife and explain your uncomfortableness. Try to ask questions to seek out her reason for including her ex with the passing. It may just be that she is trying to connect to a feeling from the past when her mother was still here. The point is, try to discover the reason why as it may be something to simple. If you find it's something more than that, then I would put the focus on what may be missing in your marriage and strategize on what you both can do to make things better. Stay strong, set your boundaries, but please ask questions first before you come to any conclusion.



Did you miss the part in the beginning that stated...They agreed upon NOT talking to ex's?

While the majority of your post is correct that communication is key. Its the blatant disregard for commitment to your "life partner and husband". I get it she (wife) is in a very bottomless pit. But guess what...Husband is right there with her. THATS why he is the husband---"to have and to hold, good times and bad...." Not the ex-husband. Just sayin'.
But hell yes, go to the prayer meeting! Be the rock for her. Not the ex, who is a beta orbiter. Looking for scraps.


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

Thank you guys for all your advice, she finally revealed the truth that her ex took some loan on her name and he is paying EMIs by transferring money to her account, she said his one instalment was late so she contact her, and during those days her mother passed away,she was informing all her friends about the lose and some how ex was included... she said I did not want u to disturb about this as EMI Will going to stop soon.... now everything is sorted and boundaries are set....


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So now you just found out that your wife and her ex are into loaning money for each other? Please tell me I got your translation wrong....

"Oh don't worry baby, I just need him to pay back the loan he took...It's all good!" --Said no one ever.



Case in point...My wife has been trying desperately to earn back trust and companionship in our marriage. Until I just found out that MIL has been included in our bank accounts and she has been loaning (ie. Taking) money to pay the other members of the family.... Yeah, that was just found out recently. Oh,,,,That thing called trust....It's so hard to get back.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Slal said:


> Thank you guys for all your advice, she finally revealed the truth that her ex took some loan on her name and he is paying EMIs by transferring money to her account, she said his one instalment was late so she contact her, and during those days her mother passed away,she was informing all her friends about the lose and some how ex was included... she said I did not want u to disturb about this as EMI Will going to stop soon.... now everything is sorted and boundaries are set....


You were concerned about boundaries when your wife invited her ex to her mothers pre funeral prayers where you would also be in attendance.
Now you find out she has been in contact with him regularly,allowing him to take out bank loans in her name and you think everything is ok?
Buddy.........


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You should go to support her, because that is the RIGHT thing for you, as her husband, to do.

May I suggest something to you?

Don't try to "send messages" through action. Only make your actions RIGHT. If you need to "send messages", do so with words which cannot be misconstrued. Use only short sentences, and not more than 2 or three of them.

Your wife ALREADY KNOWS that she did wrong. Now, your response should be one of forgiveness.



> she said I did not want u to disturb about this as EMI Will going to stop soon...


She should have revealed that fact, that she was financially responsible for him, before your marriage. That is a very serious omission, in my book.



BarbedFenceRide said:


> Oh,,,,That thing called trust....It's so hard to get back.


This is a very good short sentence. One which your wife needs to hear.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don't see any boundaries in place.

She keeps moving them and you are too u derstanding.

Why don't you implement a consequence?

Seriously! What was wrong with her that she couldn't be honest with you about the money owed and the plan to pay it back? Why did she loan him money? When was it loaned?

You aren't doing enough to show her she's violated your trust! She's also not earning it back! 

I'd leave her! She also had NO business inviting him to anything!

You are a willing doormat! Stop that! Impose severe consequences! She's prioritizing HIM over little old you!


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

What is it with people an there Ex's, arent we adults? 

That loan part would make me go nuclear! 
There will no sleep tonigh, until all the details are on the table.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

So she allowed her ex to take out a loan 
and now he is suppose to be paying her back.
He is however late with a payment. Does she not 
understand that that could affect you and her 
family. Where are her priorities in your relationship ?
I would have a very, very long talk with her about
boundaries and family priorities now. 

I agree with Suspicious 1 all details now.
What other things do you not know about 
also.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does your wife work?

Who's money did she loan him?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> "it is also tough time going on for my wife as her mother recently expired"
> 
> Very often a woman's affair comes soon after a major life event. Parent dies, health problems, job change... *a switch is flipped and the whole world in their head spins out of control*.


Yes, this...

Buffeted by more than one wind.

An angular clash, 4th to 7th.

Sorry for her loss. And your' woes.

......................./.......................

Loss can be plural. Do not let that happen.

The postman rings twice, so do some EXes.

Stand by her in her pain.

Nip the budding EX. 
His may be wishing for regeneration, a return to power..... over your' wife.



Face him......down.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Slal said:


> ...some how ex was included...


Did anyone else's "BS" detector go off at this phrase?


Some how? Like during a phone conversation, or over a cup of coffie?




Slal said:


> ... she said I did not want u to disturb about this...


She is thoughtful to a fault!!!


Apparently her ex needed money more than her husband needed trust or respect!


Slal, you must just not be the kind of partner she could trust enough to be honest with.

So dig a moat around those boundaries, and put up threatening warning signs. :rules:

Good luck!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You are empowered as being her spouse now, with no outside interference from prior ones!

If she does not agree to a "no contact" request with this poria, then it's well beyond time for you to move on! *


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## Slal (Apr 18, 2018)

He took loan before I enter to her life, and he is paying loan by transferring money every month before bank debit the amount... she stopped talking to her because every month this transaction was happing, she did mistake not telling me about this arrangement... and apologised for this... all this friction happened because one month he delayed the money transfer to her account and than she contacted him.

Unfortunately during those days her mother passed away and when she was informing this news to all her friends somehow he was included in forward msg.

I it think rather assuming lot on this I should trust her , I clearly convey that if zero contact ex policy break than it will be end of this chapter.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Slal said:


> He took loan before I enter to her life, and he is paying loan by transferring money every month before bank debit the amount... she stopped talking to her because every month this transaction was happing, she did mistake not telling me about this arrangement... and apologised for this


How long have you two been together and married?

How long has the loan been being paid back.

If you had a baby with another women before you married your wife, and you were in contact with the baby mama, and making monthly payments, and your wife JUST found out, would she call that a "mistake"?

Would she accept your apology?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Slal said:


> I it think rather assuming lot on this I should trust her


I think your wife should well understand why you are reluctant to trust her, and she should be willing, without complaining, to rebuild your confidence in her by proving
she has no contact to her ex, whether you ask for proof, or not. And, she should do this UNTIL you give her your word that she can stop. 

I don't think one year or two years is an unreasonable period. However, she needs to understand that no contact to her ex is a FOREVER commitment that she made on her wedding day, when she promised to "forsake all others".

If she needs contact for financial reasons, then she should tell you, and you be the bill collector.

Unfortunately, this is not a mistake. It is the breaking of a vow. A person has no right to ask forgiveness for mistake in this case, she must ask forgiveness for deliberately hiding this from you.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Dude... Boundaries. Get to know them. 

Good read for you:

The One That Got Away | Dad Starting Over


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

That boundary was there to keep your marriage safe and protected.

She crossed that boundary then lied by omission about several things.

Time for severe consequence! Without any consequence you're just not being effective! Stop reminding her - start doing more to save your marriage!

You can't "nice her" into being a decent spouse!!!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

So the loan was done before you met your wife.
What other things has she forgot to tell you about ?

The ex should get another loan and pay your wife back 
in full. You need to tell her this now. If the ex is not 
keeping up with the payments then he needs to get his
own loan and have no contact with your wife ever again.

Did she tell him he was not invited at any time after he
was invited by accident ( Yeah right!!) 

It sounds like you still need to have a very, very long talk with
your wife. TODAY NOW


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So...you obviously did not see the "income" in your bank statements. Or you would have known sooner. That means she had this money, and she actively "hid" it and did not forget it. She remembered to call him when the transfer didn't go through huh?! I still think it doesn't sound like a clear and transparent relationship yet. And yet, here you are...Married. Eyes wide open my man, eyes wide open!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Slal said:


> He took loan before I enter to her life, and he is paying loan by transferring money every month before bank debit the amount... she stopped talking to her because every month this transaction was happing, she did mistake not telling me about this arrangement... and apologised for this... all this friction happened because one month he delayed the money transfer to her account and than she contacted him.
> 
> Unfortunately during those days her mother passed away and when she was informing this news to all her friends somehow he was included in forward msg.
> 
> I it think rather assuming lot on this I should trust her , I clearly convey that if zero contact ex policy break than it will be end of this chapter.


How did they have no contact when he was transferring money to her account monthly? How exactly does that work, or where they in contact the whole time you thought they weren't? :redcard:


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What's the update?


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