# Sex and seperation



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious about opinions from the ladies here, If during seperation, half a year before you can officially divorce (due to laws), your soon-to-be-ex sleeps with someone else, what would you think of him? Will the doors be closed forever? Would you think less of him? Would time be a factor - aka, 3 months moving on sexually too soon?

Bear in mind you've already told him to keep his distance, collaborating with him only in matters related to your daughter...

Personally I'm already in shaky terms with my soon-to-be-ex and have been for the last 3 months, so I don't want to do something I may regret later on especially when I still see her weekly due to our child. I've branched out recently with other women but have not acted upon opportunities when they presented themselves. So I may have lost my current pool of potential FWBs...

Still, I can always get a new pool, but I don't want to waste mine and other people's time the next time being so indecisive in what I want. So please, tell me your thoughts ladies.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why would she even need to know? You are no longer her business.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why would she even need to know? You are no longer her business.


What he's asking is... if you where in his STBX's position. 

How would you feel about it. It's easy to answer if you don't have any emotional attachment to the guy. 


My question is, how does she feel about the divorce? Is she happy about it... or mad about it. If she's happy to be getting divorced, she'll probably be OK with it. If she blames you for everything that went wrong... she probalby won't be happy about it. In her view, it will be pilling insult upon injury. 

Does she have a love interest. If she does... she won't care what you do..

If she doesn't have a love interest, and is stuck a home.... with the kids... while you're out having fun... She's not going to like that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

If you are wanting the divorce, why do you really care what she thinks? I understand having to work with her regarding your daughter, but how long are you going to let her hold that type of control over you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's still going to hurt her if she finds out. 

The thing is you will both sleep with other people eventually.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> If you are wanting the divorce, why do you really care what she thinks? I understand having to work with her regarding your daughter, but how long are you going to let her hold that type of control over you?


Obviously you've never dealt with a pissed off ex-wife... or soon to be ex...


"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You've already asked this question a number of times.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's because it's circling in and around my head all the darn time like a mental ****block.

Quite frankly I don't like STBX and I's little arrangement when we struggle to talk nowadays. She stresses me out even picking up my daughter with her "silent steam", we've already made things pretty bad for ourselves but I'd rather it not get worse. Hence I worry what she might do if she finds out

During marriage our social circles were intertwined, unfortunately as you can expect, it's now a very, very bad thing (although I learnt how to flood the rumor circles with BS). Not to mention if she asks me herself than I can't lie. I did once, wasn't pretty. I'm still hoping I can salvage some kind of happy friendly smile from all of this mess between us, it's better as we're still forced to co-exist and will be even after divorce until our daughter grows up.



> My question is, how does she feel about the divorce? Is she happy about it... or mad about it. If she's happy to be getting divorced, she'll probably be OK with it. If she blames you for everything that went wrong... she probalby won't be happy about it. In her view, it will be pilling insult upon injury.


Well, she was devastated, frustrated and reached the end of her patience 3 months ago. She came to her decision our marriage is no longer worth it. We've barely talked during this time, and yes, that's what I'm afraid of =/



> Does she have a love interest. If she does... she won't care what you do..


Not yet apparently, if she did, I don't think I would be having this problem. As the second she finds someone - BOOM!
My chains will be free!



> If she doesn't have a love interest, and is stuck a home.... with the kids... while you're out having fun... She's not going to like that.


Well, I tried to have some sort of closure with her recently, hoping to close this chapter of my life but she's refusing to let me end it on a good note. So now I'm stuck.

I'm also contemplating a letter, just send it and go for glory maybe? But she might still be p-ssed at me. She spared my head a few times by being co-operative, but I fear for our daughter what may happen if she stops. She has lost it completely before...

So in all this time with me trying to move on and shift my gear to forward I'm still stuck. I need to somehow fix it before I can start rolling along and getting on with my life, not ending up friend zoned by every potential partner because I can't get past the guilt of touching another woman let alone putting out.

It's... kinda driving me insane =/


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think, honestly - RD, I don't understand. 

With your STBXW you were having too much sex, felt pressed into having sex, and yet - its now a big burning concern. How you can get FWB, how soon you can have sex dates, how not to be "friend zoned" by a potential sex partner. 

I mean, if I was the STBXW, that might burn me a little. The sudden and overwhelming interest in sex, when that was the main complaint about the relationship.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seperation left a BIG hole for obvious reasons and I need to fill it up

It was already one hell of a system shock when we seperated, I'm still trying to patch myself up. I'm also surprised she hasn't hooked up yet or maybe she's just extremely discrete, or just not decided she's not yet ready for anything of that kind.

Still, I could always ask, but I won't. And she could always ask, and she might. So... 

Personally I still wish we could have worked this all out, but I've pushed her too far and was uncompromising, and hence she's made her decision. It's saddening when I think of how close we once were, to how distant. I just want sex to input new thoughts in my head to kick out the old.

The old is haunting me daily


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not sure filling it up with FWB or more casual sex is going to be what's best in the long term, RandomDude. It might make this transition even more confusing. 

A new hobby, working out more, reading books you always meant to, finding Jesus. Something that works on centering you and helping you find yourself for a bit rather than trying to have other people fill those needs. 

That's just my suggestion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Casual sex is never long term, and right now I'm denying myself its potential pleasure. It was part of my 'get better soon' plan, yet didn't know I would be so hesitant at the last minute. Kinda embarrassing really...

Sex just helps keep my focus, it forfills a physical desire that I can use to shut off alot of negativity, including hopefully any last feeling that I still have for my soon to be ex wife. Just can't seem to pull the trigger though, oh well.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Haven't looked at your posts in quite some time. Are you hoping for a possible reconciliation down the road?

If so, you already know the answer. Of course having sex so soon won't help your relationship with her. Wait until the divorce is final.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I don't think there is any reason to wait until your divorce is final to have sex. I had sex with several guys...and got engaged to one (my husband now)...before my divorce was final. 

The marriage was over. The rest was legalities.

It will probably sting if she finds out you're sleeping with someone. But that will be true even after the divorce is final. It will probably true for you too when she starts having sex with someone else. That first time...it's gonna hurt a little. 

But it comes and it goes...and life goes on.

Enjoy your sex life. She's made the choice to end things. They're over. Now you have to rebuild a good life for yourself...presumably that will include sex. No time like the present!

If you're trying to avoid hurt altogether, you won't.

One of the things about divorce is learning to stop considering your partner in your life decisions. This is one of those times for you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> One of the things about divorce is learning to stop considering your partner in your life decisions. This is one of those times for you.


Hmmm, a very good point...



> Are you hoping for a possible reconciliation down the road?


Nope, it's too painful to hope, I'm more worried about my regrets if I make the wrong move and find out we actually still had a chance.

Hmmm, ok, since she won't let me find closure, how about the letter idea? I'll write a heartfelt letter, and if it means nothing to her, then so be it, I can be content that I have tried everything I could to keep our family together. So no more regrets

I tried to have a heart to heart with her before but it didn't go so well so maybe this form of closure can bring me peace no?

Hell I dunno =/


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

RandomDude....your looking for a quick fix... your trying to make the hurt go away... make yourself happy... you know that right? It will only last as long as it takes to have sex and come down off the euphoria. If you read through your posts your confused and you don't have resolution/closure with your wife...you actually sound like you still would like to make it work with her. Read the advice some of the posters are giving you slow down, take a breather, get a hobby, exercises, do some reflecting... don't jump into another relationship... you haven't ended this one yet.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

If you do write a letter, don't make any promises you can't keep.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

That sounds like a reasonable plan...to make sure you don't walk away with regrets...write the letter. If it moves her, then that is great. If it doesn't, you can walk away knowing you gave it every last try you could. 

That should free you emotionally...at least somewhat...to move forward with your own life.

Divorce is so hard to maneuver through. Be kind to yourself. Every person who has gone through it, understands. I understand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

mineforever said:


> RandomDude....your looking for a quick fix... your trying to make the hurt go away... make yourself happy... you know that right? It will only last as long as it takes to have sex and come down off the euphoria. If you read through your posts your confused and you don't have resolution/closure with your wife...you actually sound like you still would like to make it work with her. Read the advice some of the posters are giving you slow down, take a breather, get a hobby, exercises, do some reflecting... don't jump into another relationship... you haven't ended this one yet.


I have for the last 3 months, the quick fix isn't long term sure, but I consider it "bandages" while time heals the wound. I'm not jumping into another relationship, just trying to move on sexually. I thought I had it all figured out until I started taking out women and couldn't find it within myself to get physical with them.



> If you do write a letter, don't make any promises you can't keep.


Oh I won't, not the type to anyway. Well... most of the time, then I cut myself up over breaking it.



> That sounds like a reasonable plan...to make sure you don't walk away with regrets...write the letter. If it moves her, then that is great. If it doesn't, you can walk away knowing you gave it every last try you could.
> 
> That should free you emotionally...at least somewhat...to move forward with your own life.
> 
> Divorce is so hard to maneuver through. Be kind to yourself. Every person who has gone through it, understands. I understand.


Ok, might take some time, and perhaps some alcohol to bring out some lockdowned emotions.

Thanks though guys, and yes, a part of me still wishes my wife and I could work things out. But we've reached a point where someone has to give, and I know it's not going to be me, I can't do as she asks, I can't just agree with her over something I'm so strongly against.

But, overall, despite her sexual demands and manipulative ways, she has been a good wife and mother. It's made handing over half my fortune to her less painful as she has earned it. Just wish it didn't have to be this way, she was the love of my life, and I still love the woman she used to be.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

If it doesn't affect your divorce (in some states, it might) .... 

... since she is the one who made the final decision, I don't know why it is any of her business anymore.

I don't know how old your child is but I would be careful about introducing anyone new into their life without the divorce being final ... or even after the divorce is final. That is the only reason I can think of as to WHY it would still be her business (topic for another thread) since you are both still responsible for looking out for the best interest of your child.

If you are still having trouble with this ... you could either just wait or you could simply ask her if she would object. Better yet, just notify her that because she has decided to divorce, you are going to start dating again.

Just stay true to yourself.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

RD...it doesn't sound like you are ready for a big leap into any type of relationships or sex right now. I would say concentrate on yourself, and distance yourself from those thoughts right now. Concentrate on healing, and let time do the work. When you are ready to date and have fun, you will know it and you will feel comfortable doing it. 

Don't do things you will regret. And don't let yourself get caught up in a whirlwind of a mess. Take this one step at a time so that you can do things the right way when the time is right.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

None of my potential FWBs would meet my daughter, I intend to ensure that, though I wonder why some believe that casual sex isn't recommended - I can distance myself from emotional attachment as I have done with FWBs in the past many years ago in my youth. Preventing it is one thing, getting over it (such as the case with my wife) - another thing.

I have stayed celibate for 3 months, and yes I have been reflecting, but I feel it's come the time when I should stop dwelling on things and kicking myself up for all the mistakes I've done. Since joining this forum I've made changes in my lifestyle to see if I could fix my marriage, hell I even kicked the alcoholism and now I seldom drink only on occasions. I've done alot to contribute to our current state of affairs, sh-t that I've done even before marriage with her. It was a maturing process... yet I still screwed up by something so stupid on February.

And after the dust settled, I found that it was just too late, the damage has been done, anything I do now can't fix what I've done over the last 4 years. But with all I've learnt, I just wish I could start over with her, invent a time machine, and make better decisions, and keep my inner child in check. But that's just a fantasy.

Hell maybe I should write that in my letter no? Meh, nothing to lose anyway. I intend to give it to her this coming weekend, I'll personally deliver it - if I could do it face to face I would but she doesn't seem to be open to it so meh. If she doesn't respond favorably, then I guess, all hope is lost.

An old friend of mine also recently admitted to me that he and his wife are also seperated but he kept it under wraps. Typical nice guy dilemma, he gave her everything including the freedom to make her own decisions, and to her it just felt like he didn't even care when he actually, truly did. I facepalmed. But at least I know I'm not alone in this.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not sure if tongue in cheek or not but for somebody who was forced to live through an unbareable amount of sex, you sure seem focused on getting some.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You never know sometimes there is a glimmer of hope where you don't think there is any. If you write the letter atleast you gave it a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> None of my potential FWBs would meet my daughter, I intend to ensure that, though I wonder why some believe that casual sex isn't recommended - I can distance myself from emotional attachment as I have done with FWBs in the past many years ago in my youth. Preventing it is one thing, getting over it (such as the case with my wife) - another thing.
> 
> I have stayed celibate for 3 months, and yes I have been reflecting, but I feel it's come the time when I should stop dwelling on things and kicking myself up for all the mistakes I've done. Since joining this forum I've made changes in my lifestyle to see if I could fix my marriage, hell I even kicked the alcoholism and now I seldom drink only on occasions. I've done alot to contribute to our current state of affairs, sh-t that I've done even before marriage with her. It was a maturing process... yet I still screwed up by something so stupid on February.
> 
> ...


If you have any hope of getting back with your ex... you are going to have to remain celibate... I'd say even quit dating and going out to bars and such.. places you typically go to meet single chicks. Dating sends the message that you've moved on. Going to bars and clubs sends the message you're looking. 

Your actions will not match up with your words of apology and seeking reconciliation. Actions always speak louder than words.

Could you perhaps have a 3rd party speak to her on your behalf? A pastor or mutual friend.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you and your wife discuss the whole "seeing someone else" thing when you separated? If so, what was decided? If you both agreed not to see (and presumably, that meant not have sex with) other people, you should stick with that until you have another agreement that its ok to see someone else. If there was no discussion, then you can do what you like.

Either way, it's probably going to hurt your STBXW when she finds out you're dating and having sex. And from the way you've portrayed her in your posts here, rationality is not her norm, especially when it comes to sex. So who knows what the hell she'll do. But I suspect it won't be fun or easy for you. Don't know if it would go any easier if you had a discussion up front saying you thought it was time for you both to be free to do what you like in other relationships or not, even if that's the right thing to do.

C


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No, we've never discussed it. It was more like "f--k you, had enough of you" last 3 months and that's it. I was hoping to do so with closure by talking to her recently but she didn't really give me a chance. So now I guess I shall write this letter.

I'd also rather not involve a third party, I can get her pastor to talk to her but I doubt he would be of much help. As for the sex, it's my way of moving on, or it was planned to be. Instead of continuing to keep thinking about STBX, I can input new women into my mind. Yes, I would be using them, but so would they, that's why it's called casual sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hey guys, just a quick update, I gave her the letter this morning while picking up my daughter. I told her to read it anytime, whenever she's ready, and she accepted it. No news thus far, I'm thinking of giving her a few weeks before I decide I've done everything I can. I did not mention my plans, but I did mention that I won't judge her for what she chooses to do now and in the future, and that she still has my respect.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok, another update, STBXW visited me at work, unannounced, and didn't give me a satisfactory reason why, or why she didn't call me or come at a better time because I had to make her wait an hour. Said that she wanted to hear me say those words I wrote to her, sounded pretty stupid but whatever - I wasn't really in the best of moods, but meh. 

Anyways, we went out for lunch together after I finished up at work. She said that she's ready to talk to me, so hey, we talked. She asked me why I wrote her the letter, I told her that she's been part of my life for so long and considering she's still going to be part of my life I don't want there to be resentment between us. She replied that she forgives me, and asked if I really meant those words when I owned up to my flaws in the letter.

I told her I meant every word and repeated myself too, I also complimented her and expressed my respect for her, just as the letter, and that I've forgiven her too, and that I wanted to be friends. She asked me if that's all I wanted when I gave her the letter, I told her that it's all that I expected we can rebuild and repair at this point. Then we talked about the night when we decided our marriage was no longer worth it, surprisingly she seemed more understanding to my point of view - perhaps three months was enough to help her think.

She also asked me if I have been dating - expected. I told her the truth, sort of. I said that I made a few new friends but that's about it. And then she replied that she has done the same. I was curious, so I questioned her, and it turns out they have been dating for 2 months now, but "he's just a friend".

I don't really know what got into me but I couldn't let her go with that, I wanted to know everything, so I poked and prodded, asked her if they did anything. She denied it, saying that "I'm not like that, you should know me by now", and when I brought up that I know her to really enjoy sex she replied that she became a nun for years when she became a Christian and that she's not ready for sex.

If it came from anyone else I wouldn't believe it especially considering her sex drive but she's not one to lie about these things, never have for 7 years and my gut believes her. Still, I don't like it, hope I didn't express it that strongly. I was going to drop it but she responded with her own barrage of questions about my "friends" and I told her that I haven't done anything, she made me swear even. She asked me why not, so I told her a half-truth, mirroring her words, that I'm just not ready either.

Anyways, we gave each other a hug, and we're glad we had this talk. Now it won't be so fking awkward every weekend trying to pick up my daughter without seeing her face. Either way... it was closure, of a sort. Yet, now I find myself NOT wanting to sleep around.

THIS IS SO STUPID!!!! >.<
What the hell do I do now?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bah, first order of business. I think I'm taking the rest of the day off work. Cool off abit... cause now I want to find this "friend" of hers and give him my two cents. 

HOW THE HELL DID NO ONE NOTICE?!!?!?! I thought she had no one this whole fking time, then again I did have my eyes closed... still... bah!
I don't like this, having an "other man" in the equation. Sure, STBX and I aren't exactly in reconciliation, but doesn't mean I don't want to rip his jaw out... *sigh*


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> your soon-to-be-ex sleeps with someone else, what would you think of him?


nothing. why would i care?



RandomDude said:


> Will the doors be closed forever?


my door for STBXH was already closed on the 8th week.



RandomDude said:


> Would you think less of him?


never think of him since the 8th week



RandomDude said:


> Would time be a factor - aka, 3 months moving on sexually too soon?


when you;re ready , then you know it


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## MoonlightCavazos (May 15, 2013)

I am actually separated at the time being but we are not talking divorce. In reality if either of you find out the other has slept with someone else it is going to sting. You were married, meaning you belonged to the other physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Though being that you are divorcing it is not really her business if you sleep with someone else or any of your business if she sleeps with someone else. It would probably be a better idea to wait till the divorce is finalized before taking on another sexual partner. Simply because if the other does fine out they won't be able to have the thought of you sleeping with someone else while being married. It save drama and heartache. 
I know that even in my situation if we were to be divorced the thought of him with another woman would still hurt me whether I had another man or not simply because he was my husband and regardless of how our marriage ended he will always have a place in my heart; its hard to stop loving someone unless you never really loved them at all.


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