# Emotionally Burned Out Women!?!



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Anyone noticed that some women when they get 'emotionally burned out' they are cold as ice and then seem to want to reconcile then go cold again. And honestly, string you along to their own advantage. I am seeing this for the second time in my life with my wife, we're currently separated. Another women I dated evidently 'broke' emotionally when her dad cheated on her mom. Never recovered from it, thought the world owed her everything, used guys, used me too. 

WTH is the deal, can they even recover?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

McDean said:


> Anyone noticed that some women when they get 'emotionally burned out' they are cold as ice and then seem to want to reconcile then go cold again. And honestly, string you along to their own advantage. I am seeing this for the second time in my life with my wife, we're currently separated. Another women I dated evidently 'broke' emotionally when her dad cheated on her mom. Never recovered from it, thought the world owed her everything, used guys, used me too.
> 
> WTH is the deal, can they even recover?


NO, they can't!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

They can recover, it probably takes time but if they see the signs of the 'old' man, they will become like ice again to protect themselves and why shouldn't they? My question is why do some men keep making the same mistakes that made her turn to ice in the first place. Surely there is some onus of them to change, and stop blaming the wife, girlfriend, etc. When a woman is deeply wounded by the man who is supposed to love and cherish her, she will be crushed but she will bounce back in time but of course will be very cautious. If the same man wounds again, then he is not worthy of her heart and she will with hold it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, I see as many screwed up men as screwed up women.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

My wife and I are currently separated. I've been noticing how confused she is emotionally. That coldness seems to come and go right now. We have been together for 15 years and it hurts to see how different she is now. One moment she talks about how much she loves the me and the kids, then the next day everything is about her and her new life. I taking a guess that when she is around the family, she wakes up a little and when she goes back to her friends place ( she's currently staying at her friends home. ) it's almost as if I'm talking to a stranger. Very difficult to even consider R. 

Its only been 4 weeks since separation. I'm trying to move forward. To me it seems she trying to keep me as a back up plan. Just saying things to keep me around just in case her plans fail. She seems to want to keep eating her cake and have it too. It is hard for me to say yet whether I made a definite decision. I think divorce is unavoidable now. Maybe I'm hoping for her to finally wake up. I'm pretty positive that her and the POSOM ended their A. I had hoped that it would have helped her see how much damage her actions has done to the family. It didn't. She is still in denial and keep her stance on how it was my fault for her cheating. I can't deal with it right now. I feel that I am changing now, I can see the positives of the change. What hurts the most though, the part of me that remembers "us" is slowly dying. Soon she will just be the mother of my children and nothing more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

McDean said:


> Anyone noticed that some women when they get 'emotionally burned out' they are cold as ice and then seem to want to reconcile then go cold again. And honestly, string you along to their own advantage. I am seeing this for the second time in my life with my wife, we're currently separated. Another women I dated evidently 'broke' emotionally when her dad cheated on her mom. Never recovered from it, thought the world owed her everything, used guys, used me too.
> 
> WTH is the deal, can they even recover?


Do some people exploit other humans and give only the bare minimum of themselves, briefly tossing out a crumb or two if their security is threatened, and then return to the status quo? Yep. Do they ever change? Anything with the breath of life has the potential to change but very few adults ever actually do. At some point most will transition from a living exploiter to a decomposing one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you're hanging onto hope that your wife will recover -- don't. Possibly some do but very many don't. Focus on you. Work really hard on the 180. It helps.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> My wife and I are currently separated. I've been noticing how confused she is emotionally. That coldness seems to come and go right now. We have been together for 15 years and it hurts to see how different she is now. One moment she talks about how much she loves the me and the kids, then the next day everything is about her and her new life. I taking a guess that when she is around the family, she wakes up a little and when she goes back to her friends place ( she's currently staying at her friends home. ) it's almost as if I'm talking to a stranger. Very difficult to even consider R.
> 
> Its only been 4 weeks since separation. I'm trying to move forward. To me it seems she trying to keep me as a back up plan. Just saying things to keep me around just in case her plans fail. She seems to want to keep eating her cake and have it too. It is hard for me to say yet whether I made a definite decision. I think divorce is unavoidable now. Maybe I'm hoping for her to finally wake up. I'm pretty positive that her and the POSOM ended their A. I had hoped that it would have helped her see how much damage her actions has done to the family. It didn't. She is still in denial and keep her stance on how it was my fault for her cheating. I can't deal with it right now. I feel that I am changing now, I can see the positives of the change. What hurts the most though, the part of me that remembers "us" is slowly dying. Soon she will just be the mother of my children and nothing more.


W
That is exactly what she is doing. She wants her life(and men) but also wants you as a back up plan financially. Dont fall for it. The person you were married to is long gone.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My STBXWW is doing the same. Emotionally distant part of the time with little glimpses of who she used to be when she is feeling regret/sadness/loss. It's an emotional rollercoaster for everyone involved and it sucks. Make your decision of what you want and go in that direction. Don't wait for her. She made her choice when she chose to cheat. Now it's your turn to take control of your life and stop waiting for her to decide.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*The person you were married to is long gone*

Please pay close attention to the above statement...nothing is truer. That woman you met and loved and loved you no longer exists. The physical part is there, and there be some faint remnants that expose themselves sometimes, but there is nothing left of the woman you know...she's gone


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, I see as many screwed up men as screwed up women.


Such behavior is not the exclusive domain of women. This thread inevitably invites comments about women but that men are not immune from such things.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

It's true, men can be and are frequently just as screwed up.... Was not attempting to imply otherwise. 

Let me share an observation. When my story started two months ago, I found this site by luck. Great site and has been very helpful. However, inside of 48 hrs of ready thread after thread after thread a definite pattern emerged...it felt like I was reading the same story, my story, over and over again. How strange it was to see my story, sure some details changed but the pattern was the same. 

1) wife leaves or asks for separation, 2) claims to love him but not be in love with him anymore, 3) feels him she asked for him-it-whatever to change for a long time and nothing changed 4) husband was shocked or darn close to shocked by #1, 5) then finds out wife is interested in another man or her friends more than him, 6) then hot and cold behaviors begin. Only exceptions to this were repeat cheaters, truly addicted spouses, empty nesters. 

Let me break the emotional burn out, because as stated earlier I have experienced it once before: woman gets heart or soul or dreams etc broken. She wakes up different one morning and the pattern begins. Let me also point out the counter pattern- 1) husband is completely surprised and while it is easy to point out we must not listen or be dumb as a box of rocks, #2 plays in - 2) husband wants to reconcile but experiences the pattern above which is very unsettling and ends up making us angry, 3) at some point they realize they should have made changes but as number one states did not understand or realize the magnitude of the wife's unhappiness, often I read at this point in the story how the wife stopped trying, 4) we fight for our families, get PC, ask if she will go to MC etc. 5) sometimes they reconcile, most of the time they give up with what I read on both sides is a fair amount of regret. 

So, my primary ask for everyone's sake is: men listen better and relize a little ask from your wife might be something bigger and women, if is is so important that it will one day break you, try not to let it get that far before you kick us in the Marc's to wake us up. 

This pattern is sad because it is mostly avoidable it would seem, unless your on your 2nd, 3rd, 4th round.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think this article really sums up what you are saying McDean. Usually there are problems in the marriage, the wife is the first to call them out but the H goes on his merry way. She goes through all the stages of nagging, despair, disconnect and often into the arms of someone else (totally wrong!) and then starts being cold, giving the ILUBNILWY speech etc. Husband 'wakes up' shocked he thought things weren't too bad and hey presto you are in a whirlwind. I know it sounds simple, there is obviously more to it and everyone's story is different.

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

McDean said:


> Let me share an observation. When my story started two months ago, I found this site by luck. Great site and has been very helpful. However, inside of 48 hrs of ready thread after thread after thread a definite pattern emerged...it felt like I was reading the same story, my story, over and over again. How strange it was to see my story, sure some details changed but the pattern was the same.


Keep in mind people self select this site and the membership and threads on the site may not reflect the general population. That's not to say that is a bad thing. It is good we can come here and find the words of others that resonate with our own life experiences. But I always hesitate to draw general conclusions based on this self selected population sample. I am on other forums with different membership and see quite different attitudes and conclusions drawn. That being said, this is an excellent place to share and to find others who have been down the same path. We are not alone. Just not necessarily the end of the story.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

aine said:


> I think this article really sums up what you are saying McDean. Usually there are problems in the marriage, the wife is the first to call them out but the H goes on his merry way. She goes through all the stages of nagging, despair, disconnect and often into the arms of someone else (totally wrong!) and then starts being cold, giving the ILUBNILWY speech etc. Husband 'wakes up' shocked he thought things weren't too bad and hey presto you are in a whirlwind. I know it sounds simple, there is obviously more to it and everyone's story is different.
> 
> Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


Just read this and you were right about the application or connection it shows between mine and other's experiences with this scenario. It's an oddity to me that so much seems to have been discovered about this pattern already and yet little is shared with the general public, then everyone wonders why we have a 50% divorce rate. 

Sadder still, before the point of walking out, it is safe to say in many cases both the wife and the husband wanted the marriage to last for ever....but at some point the wife's heart breaks and reconciliation becomes the battle we all know it can be....

Agree also that overgeneralizing can occur, may have with my thread as well. However, the sheer number of husbands I've read stating a complete surprise 'that she left' and the sheer number of wives stating 'I told him or asked for change with no changes coming long enough' has me believing some generalization is warranted. Either men have been taught to live with lower expectations which is why we were happier than our wives or wives are being taught to have higher expectations than may always be possible and most likely it is a bit of both!


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

I think the "I asked him to change but wouldn't." Is just an excuse they kept telling themselves to justify their actions. It's funny though when they wake up from their fog, how they seem to want things like they were before but don't realize it will never be the same ever again.

I love my sister but she is also a serial cheater. She seems to use that same excuse all the time also.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Yep, one of my previous girlfriends, whom I consider broken but not sure in what way...become a serial cheater and just never figured out how to get her head and heart back on track it would seem. The 'fog' I see referenced is so real but I have no idea what creates it or what finally snaps them out of it....still, I hold out hope. My own breaking point is not too far off at this stage and I know enough about myself to know that once I'm done, I'm done.....but i won't run hot and cold with my wife after that point like they seem to do with us.....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I really think it's dependent on the individual situation. @McDean -- you see this pattern in your situation and in those of other betrayed male TAMers, and for those situations/marriages, the pattern means one thing to you.

However, the pattern you've described could also be applied to my former marriage, but the meaning and situation is completely different! I went cold on my XH in the latter stages of our marriage, at one point warmed to reconciliation, and then went cold again. I even said ILYBININLWY. But I didn't change overnight, I didn't cheat, none of what you perceive as the problems in your marriage. For me, I went cold as a way to protect myself. My XH was emotionally abusive, and I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had talked to him about our problems countless times, and he kept rug-sweeping, even when we were in MC. I came to the conclusion that he would never change, and that's when I really went cold. After several months, he represented himself as really working on himself and changing, and that's when I warmed to reconciliation. But I discovered it was all just an act--the way it always had been, with him--and that's when I went cold again.

He wanted me to "snap out of it" initially, but what he really wanted was for me to continue accepting his bullsh!t, to accept less than what I deserved in a relationship. But that wasn't going to happen. Going cold, shutting him out, allowed me the headspace to stop focusing on him, and to start focusing on me and my needs, and to break the cycle of emotional abuse.

I'm NOT saying that the men of TAM, those whose wives go cold, are emotional abusers, and I'm not an apologist for cheaters. What I AM saying is that there are two sides to every story... and OP, if you spoke to my XH and gave the example in your original post, he would say, "That's exactly what my XW did to me!"


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I really think it's dependent on the individual situation. @McDean -- you see this pattern in your situation and in those of other betrayed male TAMers, and for those situations/marriages, the pattern means one thing to you.
> 
> However, the pattern you've described could also be applied to my former marriage, but the meaning and situation is completely different! I went cold on my XH in the latter stages of our marriage, at one point warmed to reconciliation, and then went cold again. I even said ILYBININLWY. But I didn't change overnight, I didn't cheat, none of what you perceive as the problems in your marriage. For me, I went cold as a way to protect myself. My XH was emotionally abusive, and I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had talked to him about our problems countless times, and he kept rug-sweeping, even when we were in MC. I came to the conclusion that he would never change, and that's when I really went cold. After several months, he represented himself as really working on himself and changing, and that's when I warmed to reconciliation. But I discovered it was all just an act--the way it always had been, with him--and that's when I went cold again.
> 
> ...


Great points and honestly nice to have the other side's perspective since it seems near impossible to get lol....I believe so often this has probably been the case....on the flip side, by your own admission, you didn't do the hot/cold thing I keep seeing and reading about and have experienced. It implies you had some greater stability in your approach. The fact that you also did MC and such tells me it is well beyond the scenario were an XH can claim to have 'not known'. You're XH owns that one for sure. Still, aside from the hot and cold your pattern does align which tells me there is something innate for most women in how they approach self-protection and/or hardening. What I can't tell is how much of it at that point falls under the 'fog' umbrella. Not that knowing will change a whole lot but the insight could be useful.

I hope more will post both sides as you have because in some measure it allows the rest of us to measure our own relationships before the pattern starts to see if maybe we blew off far more than we should have or have a different issue driving the XW than we previously thought existed....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

McDean said:


> Great points and honestly nice to have the other side's perspective since it seems near impossible to get lol....I believe so often this has probably been the case....on the flip side, by your own admission, you didn't do the hot/cold thing I keep seeing and reading about and have experienced. It implies you had some greater stability in your approach. *The fact that you also did MC and such tells me it is well beyond the scenario were an XH can claim to have 'not known'.* You're XH owns that one for sure. Still, aside from the hot and cold your pattern does align which tells me there is something innate for most women in how they approach self-protection and/or hardening. What I can't tell is how much of it at that point falls under the 'fog' umbrella. Not that knowing will change a whole lot but the insight could be useful.
> 
> I hope more will post both sides as you have because in some measure it allows the rest of us to measure our own relationships before the pattern starts to see if maybe we blew off far more than we should have or have a different issue driving the XW than we previously thought existed....


Interestingly enough, in MC, he claimed to not know that we had any issues, and that I never tried to talk to him about it. Off the top of my head, I was able to list at least 5-6 times when we had conversations about it, what was discussed, his response at the time (_him claiming that things would change_), and what happened after (_nothing changed_). He played dumb and was like, how was I supposed to know what that meant? Um, because I explicitly used the words _our marriage is in trouble_ and _never having sex is unhealthy and it's undermining our marriage_ and the like. After the joint MC ended, we separated, and started separate IC, I learned that he was telling people that, "She just stopped loving me. I don't know what happened. I thought we were happy." Even after all the MC. The man owns NOTHING. He still thinks the failure of our marriage is entirely on me.

I don't think that you'll get much of seeing both sides here on TAM, at least not two sides from the same relationship. And you're not going to find many cheaters posting on TAM, because a lot of them don't think that they did anything wrong. TAM is heavily skewed with a lot of users here being the betrayed spouse, of the abused spouse who got out, that sort of thing. But what I've seen with a lot of women is that we have to turn cold in order to protect ourselves from emotional manipulation. Women are conditioned in our society to defer to men, to put men's needs first. Combine that with the fact that women tend to be more empathetic. (Obviously, these are generalizations and not rules.) Those two factors can make us more susceptible to emotional harm by men; turning cold is a type of emotional armor. But to keep the pain out, you have to keep _EVERYTHING_ out. 

I've read that men are frequently able to compartmentalize their brains in a way that women cannot, which is one of the reasons that women say, "We need to talk about this RIGHT NOW." Because it will be swirling around her brain, riling everything up until it's discussed and settled--whereas men can take that same issue and set it aside and say, I will think about this later, because right now I need to finish this project. So it goes with the emotions... opening up at all to let just a little bit of something in? That opens the floodgates of everything else as well. So it's better to keep it all under lock and key.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Wow FeministInPink! Great post. It's a lot to think about. I think the general description of differences between men and women are pretty spot on. I've always felt I could segment my thoughts more than my wife. On the flip side, a small % of me understands the initial response of your husband - granted I don't believe the claim of not knowing would hold water based on what you shared, we don't (men and women) assign weight the same to each discussion topic - had my wife chose your words "our marriage is in trouble" for example, I would have definitely paid closer attention. Her approach to requesting changes seemed to me at the time to have no more emphasis than her requests for me to pick something up at the store for her. For sure had she asked me to do MC etc, I would have known it was more serious. But, I know now looking back I also did a terrible listening job at several points in the marriage which I completely own. It's my hope that we can fix, whatever break has occurred in her together....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks 

RE: My XH--I think he makes a practice of lying to himself (and others) until he's convinced himself that the lies are truth. I've seen him do it in other circumstances; I just never thought it would come back to slap ME in the face. Oh well; he has a lot of issues that he refuses to acknowledge or deal with, and it's no longer my concern. 

Men and women communicate very differently; the way I see it, neither gender has been well-prepared for the way the nature of marriage has so rapidly evolved over the last 100 years. You might want to check out the following book, since it's clear you think communication is a big issue for you and your wife:

How Can I Get Through To You?

I think you'll find it interesting--a good look at both sides of the communication issue.

In my case, there were issues much larger than communication could fix, mostly on my XH's side. (But don't get me wrong, I have mine, too, which I'm working on.) But for you, communication may be the key--but she's got to be on board as well. I hope you can fix this


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