# Parenting with anxiety



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

If anyone has anxiety could you please share how you communicate your disorder without passing your anxiety onto your child.

For me I tried very hard to hide my anxiety, but I realised that children are not fooled by acts of 'happy' and I often appear to have nervous energy or I go very quiet and withdrawn. I do talk to them about it and say 'it will pass' (which it always does - sometimes days sometimes hours). 

My daughter is 18 next week, so it is probably a bit late for me to be asking for parenting advice, but sometimes I feel very guilty, particularly when she has moments of worry. For instance, she is in the middle of her exams and has the occasional worrisome thought ('what if I don't get the grades for university, 'I think I messed up!'). I talk her through her worries, then use distraction to stop the loop - we go for a walk or do some art together. But then I worry about worrying and end up anxious :frown2:.

Whenever I see my daughter worry I feel like the worst mother in the world...:crying:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I try to be as honest and open as I can reasonably be with my kids. I don't think hiding is good, generally speaking. Better to just put what is bothering you out on the table, and work through it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> For me I tried very hard to hide my anxiety, but I realised that children are not fooled by acts of 'happy' and I often appear to have nervous energy or I go very quiet and withdrawn. I do talk to them about it and say 'it will pass' (which it always does - sometimes days sometimes hours).


Showing some vulnerability with those we are closest to... family members, our spouse.. by doing this, many times we alleviate some of our own anxieties in the process.. that opening up... not that you have to lay it out strongly... but showing you care ..."are rooting for her"...that sort of thing....nothing wrong with that.. it could be a matter of speaking it out ..have you ever found this helpful ? 

I think it also serves another purpose...that our children see it's normal to have SOME WORRY...putting on a face 24/7 that everything will go perfectly.. that life never has a bump... this is very unrealistic anyway....that in itself sounds stressful to me.. why not just be real....It makes us, as parents, more relate-able even... and it shows you care. 

Not everyone believes in prayer.. but sometimes just taking a moment and praying together, can help you feel better.. whatever you are going through.....


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

IMO there's no hiding it. Kids can pick up on it, no matter how young or smart they are. Trying to hide it isn't fooling them and worrying about it is only (obviously) going to make it worse. Have you tried counseling, medication, exercise or meditation?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Smoking pot does wonders to relive the actual anxiety. No hiding required then 

Barring that, finding your stress reliever is important. For my daughter it's art. When she can express herself artistically it helps a lot with her anxiety issues. Same with me. I need a project on the go. Something to do with my hands. Another thing that helps me is consciously letting go of things I find myself worrying about. It IS a conscious decision. And one that we really all can make. We just have to DO it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have diagnosed anxiety and depression and I am medicated for it. I still have break through symptoms at times. My worst symptom are panic attacks. They do not happen often, but when they do it is scary. I cannot control when they happen and unfortunately they happened once in front of my kids. 

I think there is a difference between situational anxiety and a diagnosable disorder. If your daughter is worried about a test, that sounds situational. If she's falling apart because of her anxiety or unable to cope with every day life, that is different. I experienced the second type and I am under a doctor's care for it. Best decision I ever made. 

My kids are still young. 7 and 8. 
They know when something is wrong with me. 

I've known since the day my daughter was born that she has the same anxiety problems that I do. It's in her personality. I do believe there is a genetic link to mental health problems. I have never told her that I think that about her. I am hoping that I am wrong, to be honest, because I don't want her to suffer with what I have. But call it a mother's intuition. 

I talk to them openly about my struggles and how I feel when I am anxious. Most of all I focus on showing them how I work through it when it hits me. Particularly my daughter, as she has the same issues that I do. I talk to them about my medication. What it is and why I take it, and how I got to the point of taking it. I most of all just stress to my kids the notion of "this too shall pass". I have been through some hell due to my mental health problems, but I'm not dead yet. No matter how bad it seems, as long as you keep taking steps forward you'll eventually move beyond it. 

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm a horrible worrier, I've always been that way. In college I worried non-stop about grades, it made it a bad experience for me. I worry that I wasn't the best father to. The kids know that I worry about them and over the years they've learned to just accept that. I'm not saying that's the best way to deal with the situation, but there's rally nothing I can do to stop it. I won't address this problem with my wife because she will offer no support, only use it against me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

peacem said:


> If anyone has anxiety could you please share how you communicate your disorder without passing your anxiety onto your child.
> 
> For me I tried very hard to hide my anxiety, but I realised that children are not fooled by acts of 'happy' and I often appear to have nervous energy or I go very quiet and withdrawn. I do talk to them about it and say 'it will pass' (which it always does - sometimes days sometimes hours).
> 
> ...


The best thing you can do for your kid is share with them - in age appropriate ways - what you go through and what you do to get past it. They may have the same thing, or may encounter it in the future, and they will benefit greatly from hearing your real-world example. An 18 year old especially. Tell her the truth.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I'm a horrible worrier, I've always been that way. In college I worried non-stop about grades, it made it a bad experience for me. I worry that I wasn't the best father to. The kids know that I worry about them and over the years they've learned to just accept that. I'm not saying that's the best way to deal with the situation, but there's rally nothing I can do to stop it. I won't address this problem with my wife because she will offer no support, only use it against me.


jb - have you ever considered your wife and her family may be personality disordered? 

The reason I worry about worrying is because when I first confided in my MIL about my anxiety (basically trying to politely ask her to back off because she was grinding me down) she used that information against me. i.e "Anxious people make anxious children". So then I had guilt with anxiety, that is a difficult loop to get out of because those emotions trigger each other.

My husband I must say is good with me when I am anxious, but he doesn't always understand it and thinks it is kind of weird so I don't always talk to him about the specifics. 

IMO those that worry about their parenting are usually the ones that are generally doing a good job, despite all our flaws and foibles.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

peacem said:


> jb - have you ever considered your wife and her family may be personality disordered?
> 
> The reason I worry about worrying is because when I first confided in my MIL about my anxiety (basically trying to politely ask her to back off because she was grinding me down) she used that information against me. i.e "Anxious people make anxious children". So then I had guilt with anxiety, that is a difficult loop to get out of because those emotions trigger each other.
> 
> ...


My wife was brought up in a totally dysfunctional home. MIL was the worst, nothing we have is ever good enough, our house is not big enough, we don't have enough money, her daughter married a poor slob etc. I heard it so much I actually started believing it, then I lost my job and we had to move far away for me to get something else...thank goodness! You can about imagine what all this criticism did to a devout worrier like myself. I started thinking that the kids deserved better than I could give them. 

I really appreciate what you said, I don't think you can do a good job in a major undertaking such as parenting unless you do worry about it and are passionate about it. My wife on the other hand doesn't do anything or care about the family at all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DH is a catastrophizer. If he can't find his keys (every other day), he's going to lose a big job, he'll be out of money, he'll have to sell the truck, on and on. DD26 has a saying now, every time he says it and she's around: "Have you looked in your pocket yet?" (usually there)

Unfortunately, DD26 turned out to be a catastrophizer, too. She and I would go for walks around the little lakes in our neighborhood nearly every week, so she could talk stuff out and work things out. It really helped her.

If I end up on the phone with her for 2 hours because she made a bad grade on a test or her boss chewed her out and she has to have someone talk her off the ledge, all I have to say to DH if he walks in the room is "meltdown" and he knows what I'm dealing with. She's an amazing person, but that little room she goes into when all ration and logic fly out the window...I just know I'll never be able to understand what it's like in there. All I can do is talk her down and be there for her. 

But like jb says, as long as you're aware, you're watching out for your kids, and you're honest, she'll be ok. Yes, she may 'inherit' your traits like mine did. But you being available for talking through things, and helping her understand where you're coming from, those all go a long way.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I heard it so much I actually started believing it


This is my experience too. I think it is called gaslighting. They got me so I didn't even recognize myself. I question everything about me. 

I'm actually finding the anxiety almost goes away when I spend very little to no time with them. But then I get triggered by something and it starts. I can cope with having faults as a mother (because no-one is a perfect parent) but I cannot cope with them (in laws) being 'right' about me, because that means all the negative, nasty accusations they have projected on me _may_ be right. Meaning there is a possibility I am the worst person in the world. 

This is how my anxiety escalates once I have been triggered.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe work on self love and self worth in therapy so that you can laugh your in-laws off as misguided or pathetic - and really mean it?

DD's IC said that her anxiety is really just fear. Of what, well, it depends. But the more you love yourself and trust yourself and know you can solve anything but death, perhaps the less you'll 'fall into' the anxiety?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Thank you for all your comments - it REALLY helped. It's my birthday today and I woke up tearful. Spent the day with my daughter shopping, lunch and chatting - had a positive day. I apologized for worrying so much and she hugged me and said she loves me anyway. I have an amazing daughter, I must have done something right!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Happy Birthday!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

turnera said:


> Maybe work on self love and self worth in therapy so that you can laugh your in-laws off as misguided or pathetic - and really mean it?
> 
> DD's IC said that her anxiety is really just fear. Of what, well, it depends. But the more you love yourself and trust yourself and know you can solve anything but death, perhaps the less you'll 'fall into' the anxiety?


Turnera - I just had to reply to you because I loved the term "castastrophizer". My mom is the castastrophizer and I grew up with her telling me all the terrible things that were going to happen to us if I wasn't vigilant about everything all the time. She still does it. 

I was an anxious child. I still suffer from it. Her attitude drove me through the roof, and I think it's part of the reason my anxiety grew to the point where I was hospitalized over it in my early twenties. I just had zero coping skills and instead of talking me down like you do with your daughter, she'd escalate my anxiety every time. I learned not only to NOT talk to her about anything, but to actively hide any of my thoughts and feelings from her because she'd make me feel worse. 

It was when I finally hit rock bottom that I realized that no matter what happens- the earth keeps spinning and the hours keep going by. I let go completely during that time and gave in to the anxiety and came out on the other side. The thought that even if I cannot formulate a plan to get through the looming crisis, if I just sit still and do nothing, the day would still pass and the sun will still rise again tomorrow - it comforted me. I guess knowing that there are things bigger than myself and that I don't always have to know what is going to happen next. I hope that makes sense. Once I really let that sink in, a lot of the overwhelming fears let go. I still suffer from anxiety and I might always be on meds for it, but I feel more equipped to shrug and let things go if I need to. 

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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

kag123 said:


> My mom is the castastrophizer and I grew up with her telling me all the terrible things that were going to happen to us if I wasn't vigilant about everything all the time. She still does it.


THIS is exactly how my MIL is and she does have 2 anxious children (though she blames it on her husband's genetics :|). My husband calls her an 'awfulizer'. Everything is awful, terrible, corrupting. Even chatting about TV programs we have watched can be a minefield. Everything gives you cancer, everyone is out to take advantage of you, anyone who is not middle-class and white will rob you, holidays are dangerous, getting ill will kill you....etc. I have witnessed her trying to convince her youngest adult child that everyone in church dislikes them. She makes me anxious after 30 minutes, I cannot imagine being raised in that environment. :frown2:

My husband learned to withdraw from a young age. As a child he was very secretive and spent lots of time in his room. Even now he can only visit for 2 hours once a month and then there is some recovery time to process what she has been saying. He has the thickest skin in his family. All of them have therapists because of childhood issues.

I don't think I am a catastrophizer, at least I hope not. Generally speaking I am positive and pretty good with other people's worries :grin2:. I encourage my daughter to try new things, sometimes they are a bit scary but she does try. I think I have instinctively talked to her about my own anxiety and stressed that it is my thought processes that are askew (not the world), that it will pass...eventually. And I think she notices that my anxieties are fleeting and not consistent.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, I wasn't saying you were. I was just using that to point out the stress feeds down to the kids, so keep an eye out for ways to help your kids soak it up. 

My H is so over the top that, when DD26 was a kid, I would always talk to her after an incident and explain to her how and why he was coming to the conclusions he was coming to. Like 'Daddy's mom always got in trouble with the neighbors (she's schizophrenic), so he has learned to not trust people.' It helped her still love him, while also pulling back enough not to be caught up in the drama AS much.

Re: trying new things. She's 18, right? When you've got some free time, pack a bag full of lunch, tell her you two are going for a drive, put her behind the wheel, and tell her you two are going on an adventure. You two will take turns saying left or right and whomever is driving has to go in that direction. If she makes safe choices when it's her turn, make up for it by making your direction taking you further outside your comfort zone, so that you get to places in your town you've never been to before. When you pass a park, tell her to stop and get out and have your picnic. No matter where it is. 

Another one we did was just to drive to a part of our city we'd never been to, and just drive around and find a street wit a bunch of stores. Get out and go look in them all. 

Another good one is to drive to a nearby small town and stop at the fist food place you see and have lunch there. You'd be surprised how trepidatious it is to go into a new restaurant in a new town and how freeing it is to DO so - even if it turns out to be a horrible restaurant, lol. 

Little things like this will help her start to build confidence in her ability to tackle anything. Reduce that fear. Which is what anxiety really is.


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