# Parenthood's Effect on Marriage



## kozzy

My wife and I had what was pretty close to a perfect marriage. Obviously, there's no such thing as a PERFECT marriage, but ours was pretty close - it was easy, it was fun, we had money to blow, and when we did fight (as the song goes), - we fought just so we could make up. Then we had a baby. An 8lb Mack Truck slammed into our "perfect" marriage, and everything became really difficult. I'm curious to hear other people's experiences marriage-wise when that little bundle of joy comes along. Did your marriage improve? Did it get difficult temporarily, but become closer over the long-term? Did it get difficult and stay that way?


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## artieb

Got tough; got better.

Now we have grandkids. Grandkids are great for a marriage. You can play with them, and have fun, and spoil them, and then you send them home.


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## MEM2020

Got tough for 6 months right after each child. Then better after that. Key thing was I had a heart to heart with my wife. I told her that if I got deprioritized beyond a certain point I would respond very badly to that. I also helped her a lot so she didn't feel resentful. 

But I did tell her that the kids could not consume 90 percent of her love and affection. Or if they did, I would go back to a 5 day a week consulting schedule. I did not want to do that - but many women are programmed to go into a total mommy mode and sex/attention to husbands almost disappears. Not acceptable to me. 




kozzy said:


> My wife and I had what was pretty close to a perfect marriage. Obviously, there's no such thing as a PERFECT marriage, but ours was pretty close - it was easy, it was fun, we had money to blow, and when we did fight (as the song goes), - we fought just so we could make up. Then we had a baby. An 8lb Mack Truck slammed into our "perfect" marriage, and everything became really difficult. I'm curious to hear other people's experiences marriage-wise when that little bundle of joy comes along. Did your marriage improve? Did it get difficult temporarily, but become closer over the long-term? Did it get difficult and stay that way?


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## JustMe23

The hormones that make a mother bond to her baby are also responsible for causing reduced production of testosterone in women, which activates sex drive. This can be a major source of troubles. Also, you're both tired and on an emotional roller coaster. It's the biggest life change I've ever experienced. It certainly does get rough for a while, at least in some departments of the relationship. But it certainly CAN bring you closer if you go about it in the right ways. 

My husband and I are definitely closer now, but we went through some of our worst troubles after having a child. Here are some tips I would offer to help you avoid some of our mistakes:

1. Realize that the normal you used to know is gone. You will be moving on to a "new normal" and that is a good thing.

2. Learn to communicate effectively. Read books. When we went through marriage counseling, we read "_The Five Love Languages_". One of our problems before and after child was that we weren't expressing love in each other's languages. 

3. Get a babysitter regularly and understand that you both, but especially mom might really feel uncomfortable at first leaving the baby. Again, those bonding hormones.

4. Obviously her body has changed. Women have a hard time accepting that their body will never go completely back to the old normal. Here's another place where you both need to strive for the new normal.

5. Remain calm but be honest about your wishes. 

6. Read Ian Kerner's books, _She Comes First_, and _Passionista_. We finally did this as a couple and it has made a huge difference for our intimate life. 

7. Make sure you both stay in contact with friends or make new ones that value their marriages/relationships/family. It does a lot of good to have inspiring, supportive people around you. Try to limit your time with people who might negatively influence your thoughts. 

8. Develop a hobby together. My parents have done this for years, and my husband and I are now realizing we need to start doing the same. When you play together, you stay together.

Hope this helps.


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## bacala787

busy but learned to make time for each other


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## notreadytoquit

Going through trouble right now. How it will end I don't know.

Adjusting to motherhood was more difficult than I thought but despite that I tried to initiate sex only to be told: Oh I am tired now. And at times we were both tired. Then I expressed a concern that without sex I don't want to head for troubleland only to be reassured not to worry about it right now. And now, he sleeps in a different bedroom for a month now, he would not tell me what is wrong, he would only say "things have not been good for us for while" even though until Dec he would tell me he loves me and act normally. I would tell him I love him as well. 

He now seems very little interested what happens at home. He plays with baby maybe and hour each night and on weekends unless he pursues his sports(for which I have no time since I have to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of baby 24hrs a day). We live far from any family and are relatively new in town. Yes I know I can get a babysitter but I still can't talk to him normally. He would discuss everything else except our marriage. I suggested therapy, he has still to respond to me on that one.

I know I am not perfect but it seems hard to fix something where you don't know where it is broken. We always had excellent communication between us, neither one of us like playing mind games, we have been together for 9 years, married 5 years.

So hopefully something good comes out of all this and hopefully he does not push me to the point of no return because after a while everyone would get tired of the BS.


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## momof6girls

time after a child it takes time... change is hard and your tired and other things on top so again give it time.

but remember that each stage of a childs life can come a bump in the road from ankle bitting years (they take alot of either moms or dads time normally they pick and no rime or reason) then the i don't need either of you to the pre teen to the teen years.

really each step comes with its own set of new issues... talking to each other and setting the little battles aside to join for the main wars..

as for sex that to will return (note for some it is not 100 back the same some better sometimes not so) maybe just time when baby sleeps to hold on to each other... find your thing what do you like do that for him here and there and you will find each other again


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## kozzy

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to hear that what we went through wasn't unusal. 

Notreadytoquit - How old is your child?


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## sooner2000

It definitely takes time to adjust. So many things change when you have kids. It was difficult at first, but I think our relationship has grown stronger.


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