# Overcoming Codependency in a relationship



## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

So, after reading a lot of posts on this site and doing some more research, I have discovered that I have likely been a textbook codependent for the majority of my life. Its a long, sad story, but the good news is that I can now go about resolving the issue. My question is this; how likely is the relationship to survive the recovery process when it is not the healthiest of relationships to start with?

Thanks!


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Not making fun, but you do realize asking the question itself is a little codependent by nature? If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive you getting healthy. If not, your next one will more than likely be much better. You really have nothing to fear if you think about it!!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ms. GP said:


> Not making fun, but you do realize asking the question itself is a little codependent by nature? If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive you getting healthy. If not, your next one will more than likely be much better. You really have nothing to fear if you think about it!!


Ms. is right. When you get healthy, if the relationship is still unhealthy, you may decide you want to end it yourself.

Worrying about the unhealthy relationship surviving your getting healthy is the definition of codependency.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But some experts doubt that codependency is as big a problem as some people claim. 

Some even doubt that it exists at all.

You read some stuff on the Internet.

That's great.

However as anyone can publish any old nonsense on the Internet you really do need to set your BS filter to high.

If you have issues you need to see a qualified counsellor or you could risk damaging your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I agree with Matt plus screw labels. You and the relationship can survive if both of you are willing to work on it.

I hope you're successful!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> But some experts doubt that codependency is as big a problem as some people claim.
> 
> Some even doubt that it exists at all.
> 
> ...




Any references Matt? Maybe be interesting reading. I on the other hand do not doubt codependency exists.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Any references Matt? May be interesting reading. I on the other hand do not doubt codependency exists.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

phitigirl said:


> So, after reading a lot of posts on this site and doing some more research, I have discovered that I have likely been a textbook codependent for the majority of my life. Its a long, sad story, but the good news is that I can now go about resolving the issue. My question is this; how likely is the relationship to survive the recovery process when it is not the healthiest of relationships to start with?
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks!




As a codependent you have a purpose and role in life. Once you decide to stop being codependent or if your partner no longer needs you, you might ask yourself why you want to stay in that relationship. Be ready for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Any references Matt? Maybe be interesting reading. I on the other hand do not doubt codependency exists.


I have posted them in the past.

I am in the pub now and will post them later. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

phitigirl said:


> So, after reading a lot of posts on this site and doing some more research, I have discovered that I have likely been a textbook codependent for the majority of my life. Its a long, sad story, but the good news is that I can now go about resolving the issue. My question is this; how likely is the relationship to survive the recovery process when it is not the healthiest of relationships to start with?
> 
> Thanks!


In a Marriage do not leave out the "co".

It's the quantity of "co" that must be measured.

Too much "co".... you become a slave to the other party.

Too little "co" and you are viewed as a non-participant, overly independent, not a partner.

Do not be a rug habitant....or the feet that trod on the ****** under the carpet.

Balance is Key Lime Pie in a Marriage of Two.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Out of the pub now (I treated my wife to a meal!) and here are those links:-

The Great Codependency Hoax- Are We ALL Codependent? - Harley Therapy? Counselling Blog
The Great Codependency Hoax- Are We ALL Codependent?

How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages | Saurly Yours
How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages
I was counseling an unhappy wife one day. She had already admitted that the difficulties were not coming from her husband. "I have a codependency issue," she said glibly to me.

"No," I assured her firmly, much to her surprise. "You don't!"

The Codependency Myth | Randy Elrod
The Codependency Myth

I think those three are a good starting point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The wonderful thing about learning to NOT be codependent is that you will be ok whether this relationship survives or not. And odds are, you never should have been IN that relationship in the first place because he was a User and you were a Giver, and you weren't getting much out of it.

A great book for this to start with is The Dance Of Anger.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

LOL - Thanks for the insight. I hadn't really thought about my quesstion being codependent, but I guess it really is! I am just starting on the process to understand what all of this means for me. I can't get into a therpaist for another month (I live in a really small town) so the best I can do for myself for the time being is online. I will defintiely look into the other resources mentioned here. 

The main reason I asked is because this is not my first marriage and they and all other long term relationships have all followed the same patterns, and I just want to break that pattern if this is not the healthiest place for me to be.

Thanks!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another good book to read while you're waiting for therapy is the first half of the book Getting The Love You Want. It talks specifically about why you pick the partners you pick and how to stop doing that.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

You're probably farther along than you realize. Most people go their whole lives without recognizing certain relationship patterns. Awareness is the key. Being able to check in with yourself and see what you are feeling without attaching judgment to it. Without telling yourself you shouldn't feel a certain way. Then expressing your feeling without losing your cool. Fwiw, thetc expression part is the part I struggle with. It's like there is still a part of me that wants permission to be granted first or something weird like that!


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Relationship therapy is the best way to bring your declining relation back to the loving state. An experienced relationship therapist will examine the reasons behind issues.


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