# divorcing but confused



## txlady (Apr 18, 2012)

Hi, 

I am new to the forum, I have been lurking for a few months, just like so many others, searching for support during this tough time. 

A little background--
My husband and I were married in 2003 and have one child. I found out about my husband's affair in early June 2011. He was sleeping with a young female troop (they are both military). I was devastated and left, came back, and the affair was (duh) still going on. 

(Just as an aside, husband has had multiple affairs, one EA, one PA, and one EA+PA, which was the young female troop)

Long story short, because my husband did not end the affair, things ended up going all the way up to his command and he was punished for it, as was the female troop. He was under investigation for being in an adulterous relationship and right after the investigation started, he filed for divorce. I received my papers on December 3, 2011. 

So, things were of course very heated between us two. My husband told me all of the typical things, "I don't love you anymore" "I'm living my life, you are living yours" etc. etc. Well, over the past few months, his behavior has started to confuse me. For someone that has said the above things and treated me very poorly, He will do things for me and speak to me respectfully and actually rather kindly...

Example:
Before--Direct deposited all of his money to his own account, leaving me and our child with no income at the time (I was not working)

After--We got our new court order for child and spousal support...and he is paying all that he is ordered to pay plus extra (I am not complaining of course)

The confusing part--What is this? What does it mean? I have wanted to work things out from the very beginning, but I was never going to concede and let a third wheel be any part of my marriage...
I have told him that the door is always open (even after he filed) and that it is possible for us to work things out. I am a little confused, why would a wayward behave in this way when he says, and have said very proudly, that he wants nothing to do with me or this marriage, and yet will go above and beyond for the woman he wants to divorce? 

I think he is starting to feel sorry, maybe even beginning to feel remorseful. 
I apologize if I sound just too dumb or if this answer should be obvious, but things are always much clearer when you are on the outside looking in.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I may not have a good answer but if it were me I would want someone to post anything at all just to get recognition. So here goes. I say the divorce is final so you should move on. A guy that cheats several times has had several chances. I think it is great he is still around and helping support his family but I don't know that I would take him back.

Feel free to read my posts and see how qualified or not I am. Not very really but hope I helped.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I would not read too much into it. I am in a similar situation. My husband left me for his subordinate. (he is a professor, and she was his graduate student). 

Your husband is probably just "over-paying" you in order to alleviate some guilt---or to manipulate you in some other way.

Don't try to figure him out. Just take the money. Try to simply view him as a "bank"--that is all my husband is to me anymore. You have already made it clear that you didn't want to break up this marriage.


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## txlady (Apr 18, 2012)

Thanks for your replies...
I am just confused and wondering what everything means. 

I am coming very close to finalizing my D. I think its pretty obvious that I do not want to be divorced, but it is so. I'm sure you all know how tough this is. 

I just thought maybe my H was beginning to turn around...but idk. He really is set on this D and wants it to happen soon. I am not going to fight this D, as hard and painful as that is.

I asked him why he chose to support our child and I and he said it is because he doesn't want me to struggle as a single mom. He wants to make sure that I am ok in that area. 

Who knows what all this means....
I just know that I am going to continue planning for the future _without_ him.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

You've got the right attitude with your last post there but let me say one thing...
I think you're falling into the same trap I do. This guy is just doing what the court ordered him to do (and a little more financially) and treating you like a human being. That's it. It sounds like you are interpreting this as him thinking something he is not. Sure, he has guilt but he should be on his hands and knees begging for you back which he is not.
I got a text from my stbxw the other night (that was nice and cute and a little flirty) and spent the whole weekend wondering if it means she loves me again. Stupid me. When I saw her this morning she was back to the normal her acting like I was the babysitter dropping the kids off. 

Don't accept anything less that him begging for you back and don't let your feelings trick you. Good luck and keep on keeping on.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

txlady:

I wouldn't read too much into this. He is paying his court-ordered child support and some extra. Good for him, doesn't make him a good guy, though.

1.) Don't forget he's in a sh*tload of trouble with command over his previous affair(s). He has to show them he has 'learned his lesson.'

2.) The extra money may very well be guilt money so he doesn't have to be a 'bad guy' in his own mind. Or he may not want his child/children to suffer for his immature choices (remember, he has done this REPEATEDLY.)

3.) Do NOT take him back! Not even if he is on his hands and knees! Not even if he is begging or swearing on your child's life! He has cheated on you THREE times...that you KNOW of. Once, could be a mistake; twice, is pure selfishness; thrice, is a way of life.

BTW: Have YOU been checked for STDs? STDs take a LOT longer to show up in women than they do in men. Don't be complacent about your health; you can't take care of your children if you're not taking care of yourself. And you should look into IC for yourself to help you grow, understand 'why' you still want a man who has cheated on you repeatedly, help set yourself some short- and long-term goals.

Good luck!


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