# Social Media Etiquette



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OK, so curious on some thoughts here. A family member passed away yesterday morning (please, no need to offer condolences as that is not the point of this thread). A text was sent out to family in the morning letting everyone know. One person texted back that they already knew b/c it was posted on Facebook (the text seemed like they were kind of irked about this). I understand text messaging is not exactly personal, but at least you can limit who gets the message. Am I the only one who thinks it is completely inappropriate to post news like this on Facebook? Keep in mind, I would guess the Facebook post was done within hours of the family member passing away, so it is very likely several family members found out this way. To mean, it is one thing to want to pay tribute to someone, but using FB to announce just seems like a $hit thing to do.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband's cousin announced her father's passing on FB, apparently within moments of his death. My MIL, the deceased's sister, found out when a well-meaning friend saw the announcement on FB and called to offer condolences. It was a pretty hurtful way to learn that her brother had just died of a heart attack. 

I have seen obituaries shared to FB, which I think it fine. To me, that's no more strange than running it in the paper. However, I think it's absolutely_ horrible _for family and close friends to first learn of a death via FB post. IMO, if you must post a death on FB, at least make sure you've notified all the relatives and close friends first - preferably via a telephone call.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband's cousin announced her father's passing on FB, apparently within moments of his death. My MIL, the deceased's sister, found out when a well-meaning friend saw the announcement on FB and called to offer condolences. It was a pretty hurtful way to learn that her brother had just died of a heart attack.
> 
> I actually don't really mind a FB post, even if I wouldn't personally do that. However, I think it's absolutely_ horrible _for family and close friends to first learn of a death in that way. IMO, if you must post a death on FB, at least make sure you've notified all the relatives and close friends first - preferably via a telephone call.


Agreed. I think the other issue, let's say the person(s) closest to the deceased may not want to constantly see this stuff on their FB feed. To me that is just throwing it in their face if that is how they choose not to deal with things. With a previous death we actually waited until the husband/daughter posted about the death before even commenting on, to make sure they were fine with FB being a medium to share stuff like this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

:iagree: with Rowan.

I don't mind a FB post -- it is a very efficient way to let extended family and friends know -- but ONLY AFTER all the principle folks have been notified with a phone call or a private email.

When my uncle recently passed away, his daughter created a *private FB group* and invited all friends and relatives to join (after she had already notified them properly). This was a very efficient way to keep everyone notified of funeral arrangements, hotel accommodations, hospitality meals, directions to the funeral home, church and cemetery, etc. Because it was a private group, the details were not blasted all over the internet for the whole world to see.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree: with Rowan.
> 
> I don't mind a FB post -- it is a very efficient way to let extended family and friends know -- but ONLY AFTER all the principle folks have been notified with a phone call or a private email.
> 
> When my uncle recently passed away, his daughter created a *private FB group* and invited all friends and relatives to join (after she had already notified them properly). This was a very efficient way to keep everyone notified of funeral arrangements, hotel accommodations, hospitality meals, directions to the funeral home, church and cemetery, etc. Because it was a private group, the details were not blasted all over the internet for the whole world to see.


The same thing was done for my aunt, a private fb page where everyone got to share memories, etc... I thought it was great done that way.

It just feels like some of this stuff I see posted on FB, it is more about the attention grab or how many likes you can get at the expense of others.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Guess I don't have a problem with posting on face books as long as the immediate family is all informed first. I have a huge extended family. When my parents go I will notify all thier brothers and sisters personally. The 40+ cousins, nope they can learn about it on Facebook.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

there seems to be general agreement that immediate family should be notified before a public posting like Facebook. The OP indicated family so unclear if that is immediate family - usually defined as parents, children, siblings - or the more extended family - uncles, aunts, cousins, etc, etc. Some may define immediate family more broadly, some less so. 

Some may take issue with any death announcement over a public space like FB but I think that is up to personal and family preferences.

Finally, there is the uncertainty of speed of online communications. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, text messages take longer than usual to reach the receiver. It could have been the text message went out and then the FB posting but for whatever reason someone saw the FB post before the text message even if the order of sending was text first. Then the etiquette may be to text and wait some appropriate amount of time before posting to public forums.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ummm let me ask the oracle:











Well... apparently news on Facebook that is shared with friends is expected to be privileged and expeditious in order for the person providing the information to earn praise and reverence from their followers. The passing of a family member and immediate posting on Facebook can be seen as the poster needing this respective praise and reverence for being the first to spread the news. It was likely done out of impulse from being in pain and trying to mitigate the loss with improved acceptance among online followers.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maneo said:


> there seems to be general agreement that immediate family should be notified before a public posting like Facebook. The OP indicated family so unclear if that is immediate family - usually defined as parents, children, siblings - or the more extended family - uncles, aunts, cousins, etc, etc. Some may define immediate family more broadly, some less so.
> 
> Some may take issue with any death announcement over a public space like FB but I think that is up to personal and family preferences.
> 
> Finally, there is the uncertainty of speed of online communications. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, text messages take longer than usual to reach the receiver. It could have been the text message went out and then the FB posting but for whatever reason someone saw the FB post before the text message even if the order of sending was text first. Then the etiquette may be to text and wait some appropriate amount of time before posting to public forums.


Hard to say, the FB posting happened within hours of the death when many people would have still been asleep. 

I guess part of this, and I do understand this is personal to everyone, if someone in my immediate family were to pass away I do not need to have FB used as a medium for me to cope with it by having my FB feed full of stuff regarding. Once again, I understand everyone will feel differently about this. Not everything needs to be made public.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Etiquette has gone out the window since the dawn of Social Media!


.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When my dad passed away, it was early hours of the morning. Mum, my brothers and I were with him at home, and we rang his brothers, sister and best mates straight away - they'd all told us they wanted to know immediately. Late morning I posted on FB about it, but I don't have 5000 friends and only people I know IRL on my friends list.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

It's Facebook. There are rules, but then there are other rules. It is common courtesy however to notify all appropriate parties first, the same way I would not email someone regarding an extremely urgent business or personal issue without first discussing face to face if possible or otherwise via a phone call.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

We place way to much importance on life and death.

All of us are gonna die. Seriously what difference does it make how people get to know.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

im_tam said:


> We place way to much importance on life and death.
> 
> All of us are gonna die. Seriously what difference does it make how people get to know.


Death is about how the living respond to it. That's why the details matter.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

First of all, Social media etiquette is an oxymoron.

I don't really see the problem with posting about a death on Facebook.

I'm not one of those people that use Facebook alot. I spend maybe 2 hours a week, probably less on it. I only ever check it when I'm on the John really.

That said, the point of social media is to connect family and friends to stay in touch quickly and easily. It seems like the best way to me to let a whole bunch of family members know about a loved one's passing.

You should always call the very close family members right away as well, even in the middle of the night.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

My Grandfather was 1 of 14 children. Each of his siblings had between 3 and 7 kids. Most of them had 2-4 kids as well.

Long story short, that side of the family is huge. Aside from Facebook I don't have any way to contact most of them. 

Within minutes of his passing my grandmother and mother were calling the more elderly members of that side of the family.

I posted a FB post to my group of family members (so only they saw it) to let all the extended family know.

FWIW I think most people under utilize the groups in Facebook as well.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> OK, so curious on some thoughts here. A family member passed away yesterday morning (please, no need to offer condolences as that is not the point of this thread). A text was sent out to family in the morning letting everyone know. One person texted back that they already knew b/c it was posted on Facebook (the text seemed like they were kind of irked about this). I understand text messaging is not exactly personal, but at least you can limit who gets the message. Am I the only one who thinks it is completely inappropriate to post news like this on Facebook? Keep in mind, I would guess the Facebook post was done within hours of the family member passing away, so it is very likely several family members found out this way. To mean, it is one thing to want to pay tribute to someone, but using FB to announce just seems like a $hit thing to do.



When it comes to news like this you inform someone face to face or Telephone

Not texting or facebook


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

I will never post anything about death or sickness on FB


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

SMG15 said:


> I will never post anything about death or sickness on FB


Before I was in a situation where I did it, I would have said the same thing as well. 

My grandmother had a list of who should be notified when my grandfather passed away. He was in the situation where everyone knew it would happen soonish, but we didn't know if that meant a day or a week.

It was over 60 people. These were his remaining siblings, their children and their grandchildren mostly. A few family friends and such.

Even if each call was just a 5 minute conversation (it wouldn't have been that short for most of them). That's several hours, even dividing it among a couple of people that's a solid hour or more of calling people to let them know. 

That can be a lot, or even too much for a group of people to do depending on what they have been through lately.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I think the timing is very important. I don't mind if people post on facebook, but notify the closest loved ones first. It's kind of like a news story. They hide the identities, so that the loved ones don't hear of it in an abrupt way.


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