# How to communicate with my husband!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I've been in the forum quite a while now, some of you know me, some of you don't.
I won't go into it all now but my husband and I are having a crisis talk tonight and I want tips on how to communicate effectively with him.
He is very shut down at the moment. He's given up on the marriage, but I want to keep on trying. 
He won't go to MC. 

We have been reconciling for 18 months after he had an A. We separated briefly for 4 months. He ended the A and wanted to return home.
We are both carrying a lot of pain and hurt from the past. We have been together 20 years.

Any advice is welcomed but please be gentle with me!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You can start by not posting blank posts


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> You can start by not posting blank posts


Sorted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I've been in the forum quite a while now, some of you know me, some of you don't.
> I won't go into it all now but my husband and I are having a crisis talk tonight and I want tips on how to communicate effectively with him.
> He is very shut down at the moment. He's given up on the marriage, but I want to keep on trying.
> He won't go to MC.
> ...


Without knowing what the issues are, it's pretty hard to give advice... I realize the affair is a big issue, but you've been working through that. So what caused the current crisis?

C


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah better lol 

I don't know your story unfortunately, but for general tips of communication:
- Be honest with your feelings and be open in regards to his
- Listen and don't talk on top of one another, he would most definitely have his concerns about the marriage, listen carefully to them
- Stick to the topic at hand, don't bring up other issues, don't accuse or criticise
- Try not to blow up

But meh, I suck at this really 
My wife and I haven't exactly been good communicators in times of crisis ourselves


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> Without knowing what the issues are, it's pretty hard to give advice... I realize the affair is a big issue, but you've been working through that. So what caused the current crisis?
> 
> C


Husband has always had Trouble communicating his needs and wishes.
We have trust issues and I also think he is having a MLC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Ah better lol
> 
> I don't know your story unfortunately, but for general tips of communication:
> - Be honest with your feelings and be open in regards to his
> ...


Thanks Random
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

From the little info you posted I would have suggested _How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It_ by Steven Stosny and Patricia Edd Love but no time for that. two things they'd say is really look at it from his point of view and don't shame him

One quote, and I'm not saying this is you 


> Many women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. When confronted with their critical behavior, the most common reaction is disbelief. “I'm just trying to make him a better person!”— that is, more thoughtful, considerate, responsible, reliable, and so on.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Husband has always had Trouble communicating his needs and wishes.
> We have trust issues and I also think he is having a MLC
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


daisgygirl, I've followed your threads for a while before and after you started R. I say this very gently..for so long as your husband works in the same school with OW, you can't fix any other issue in your marriage. Both of you will have her on your mind every day when he goes off to work. She'll continue to be the silent third person in your marriage. Him working with her is like asking an alcoholic to sober up and recover while sitting in the bar looking at the drink. A weak moment will come and she's so close by to talk or whatever else. 

There isn't true NC with the OW since they work together at the same school. NC means completely no contact of any kind. If he can sew up NC tight (working at a different place) then I think you have a real shot at R. 

You might want to get the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley. It has a lot of useful information about communication between spouses.


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