# Things always get worse



## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Today I tried talking to my wife about quitting my job and starting my own business. She told me she preferred for me to continue to work cause of the bills we have. I explained how much I make from going to school and military pay, her response was I was throwing how much more I make which started a huge fight of her being pissed telling me I lack common sense and I don't have life skills. I was hurt by her outburst to which she told me I shouldn't throw it in her face how much I make and just continue to work and get over it. I make more than double what she does but somehow she makes me feel wrong for it. Now she is back to ignoring me which is a daily thing for her we will be talking and she pull one thing out twist it around or out words in my mouth then flip out telling me how it's my fault she pissed I try to apologize for the misunderstanding and she doesn't care.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Never hit an 'Anxious Crank' with facts.

Facts check-mate their back-pedaling. Break their stride over your laid low form. Laid low by [they themselves], not by the facts.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sometimes after the romance is gone, all there is left is someone to pay the bills. Does not sound like she still loves you. I have quit my job for less pay, a lot less pay with my wife's full support. I also have run my own business with my wife helping me out as my secretary. Take a look at this: How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Extract the Nuvo ring and see if she improves.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

With the current financial climate out there I would recommend against starting a new business. Try to stick it out in your current job and start up your business on the side. Quit your job only if it takes off. For a new marriage you want things as stable as they can be before you add pressure to an already pressure packed situation.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

DomF said:


> Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?


OP why are you being such a doormat. The conversation should have ended when she used expletives. You come across as begging and pleading. My partner used to do this with me in the beginning (because he used to do this with his mom as a child/teenager) and I had to put a stop to it. I had to make him understand that there were some things he should never accept from me/anyone, he needed to have a backbone and point out/stick to his guns when I was clearly wrong and absolutely avoid this begging/pleading tone when it came to disagreements. I had to do this because I came from an abusive childhood and needed someone who could be firm with me so I could avoid unintentionally mimicking the controlling/abusive ways of my parent. 

While I never cussed him out the way your wife did to you, I certainly recognize similarities between your interactions and those of myself/partner in the early stages of our relationship. While your wife may not be able to communicate what I did with my partner to you, trust that you can put an end to her walking all over you this way by changing the way you interact with her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I said in your first thread, your wife needs some SERIOUS intervention.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

I called her mom to try and get some help with brining this to her attention but her response was it's your marriage you need to deal with it.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

DomF said:


> I called her mom to try and get some help with brining this to her attention but her response was it's your marriage you need to deal with it.


I agree with her mom to some extent. Her mom's attitude in this situation may actually avoid worsening things. As a woman, I would likely see my partner as extremely weak if he went to my mother to try to get her to talk to me about an issue. Clearly your wife already sees you as being weak, this would only prove her point.

Why do you have such a difficult time not allowing her to walk all over you? Why can't you say to her that you will not be spoken to that way and you absolutely refuse to entertain any discussions if she chooses to speak to you this way? Why do you need to apologise repeatedly? Perhaps if you didn't feel the need to apologise so much, she would take your apologies more seriously.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why do you want to be married to someone who talks to you like this?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't you see that she needs you to argue over this? Evidently not.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

My wife used to verbally abuse me in a similar fashion...until recently when I filed for divorce. She's been an angel since then. How convenient. Get out before it gets worse. Mine got physically abusive. No one deserves to be treated that way.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

so you like the abusive, controlling type?

If you don't, leave.

Why the hell are you apologizing to this nasty abuser? Why can't you leave this seriously ill person?


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

By no means do I want to apologize, unfortunately it's the only way for the conversation to move forward or she will just continue with the same stuff, if I don't apologize then it's just a continuous stream of venom from her. I don't see myself as weak I prefer to fight over something that worth it not a stupid misunderstanding. That infuriates her even more that I don't want to get sucked into it. Like today she was telling me that if I left my job how would I pay my half of the bills. So I told her I make double what she makes without my paycheck we will be fine. Which her response was I think shes pathetic and worthless. I don't like to swear at people and I would rather save my energy than fight. I know I'm a type A personality but I've learned to control my anger. But everyday I feel myself more and more getting sucked into these sad fights to defend my right to have a conversation.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

She has in the past stood in my face screaming at me and thrown the occasional remote in my direction. No I don't like the controlling abusive types but I'm sick of her saying I'm the reason she is the way she is.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DomF said:


> Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?


You even asking this question shows the level of dysfunction in your life, home, and marriage. If you do not know that how she is treating you is WAY out of line, there is a serious disconnect. And you still apologized. This dynamic is soul sucking for you and it’s not doing your wife any good to be such an insufferable individual. 

Your response to her was extremely weak and dysfunctional as well. How dare your own wife speak to you like this! What did you do? Kill the cat and serve it to her for dinner? Cut her with a knife? Hit her? Cheat on her? I cannot imagine what you must have done to receive such a reply.

If she doesn't want to speak to you or to be near you, that's her decision, but she has no authority to throw you out of your own bed. She can sleep on the damn couch or the floor or wherever she chooses, but she does not have the authority to choose for you to sleep on the couch.



DomF said:


> I called her mom to try and get some help with brining this to her attention but her response was it's your marriage you need to deal with it.


Are you serious?! You called her mother so her mother could deal with her? This is outrageous. This is the behavior of a five year old. I’m sorry, I do not mean to be harsh. I am sincerely saying that this is juvenile behavior and shows that you have no idea how to handle a relationship. You do not go running to another person to intervene for you. You stand up and tell your wife that she is never to speak to you like that again.

Of course she will, perhaps immediately. At that point you tell her that you are not going to speak to her about anything regarding your relationship unless she can apologize and change her attitude and behavior towards you. Then you instigate the 180 ( The 180 U Turn - Affaircare ) and start working on finding out why you allow yourself to be treated in such an abominable manner. The 180 is not a punishment for her. It is a safety zone for you.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who is so disrespectful? Apparently you are extremely insecure. I recommend you start therapy immediately to find out how to get out of this mindset that allows you to think this is in any way, shape, or form okay. Marriage is supposed to be two people who intertwine their lives and have each other’s backs through thick and thin. Your marriage is an adversarial relationship where your wife has less than zero respect for you.

To say that your wife doesn’t respect you is a gross understatement. Your wife regards you with extreme contempt. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who views you with contempt. Impossible. If you want to work things out with your wife, you will have to change this dynamic. It may not be possible, as you can only control yourself and not your wife, but I recommend you begin to learn about what is and is not healthy in a relationship so you can extricate yourself from this kind of dysfunction in your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DomF said:


> She has in the past stood in my face screaming at me and thrown the occasional remote in my direction. No I don't like the controlling abusive types but I'm sick of her saying I'm the reason she is the way she is.


Her throwing objects is physical violence and abuse. She could be arrested for that.

Her saying that her attitudes and behaviors are your fault is called blame shifting. If she believes this, why on earth is she with you? Why on earth are you with her? This relationship is abusive.

She does this because it works for her. She can have the bed to herself whenever she wants and you will tuck your tail between your legs, apologize for offending her, and leave your bed for the couch. Do you see how you are enabling and encouraging her behavior?

Stop apologizing for anything. Unless you did something like what I posted about killing the cat, cheating, etc., there is no reason for treating you the way she does. And if that were true, then she should leave you rather than engaging in violence and rage.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

DomF, 

I don't normally advocate divorce, but your wife needs an ultimatum. One that you need to be willing to carry thru on.

She either goes to counseling & a doctor to discuss her outbursts, etc, or your gone. OR, just have her served. 

Right now she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger, why should she treat you nice?

You will continue to put up with the abuse until you finally realize that you feel MORE alone when she is in the house than when you are by yourself. That's a sad realization to come to.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

DomF said:


> She has in the past stood in my face screaming at me and thrown the occasional remote in my direction. No I don't like the controlling abusive types but I'm sick of her saying I'm the reason she is the way she is.


DomF,

My friend. It's very clear to me that you are not the problem. She is.

Stand up for yourself. Set yourself free of this "sham" of a marriage (as "GuyinColorado" describes these types of marriages so well).

It took me 12 years, but I finally woke up. Now it's your time.

Very happy with my decision. Life is getting better every day. DO IT.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She appears to be in the borderline personality disorder spectrum. These type of individuals will suck the life out of you and not blink an eye. I left my second husband when it finally hit me that he was a sick, abusive ****. There was no love because these type of individuals can't love, to damn sick too. 

But they sure can keep you spinning and confused. They get their jollies out of this. She is like that. Get out while you still can or be doomed. You are very right in that things always get worse. How much worse do you need to experience to get the hell out of that hell?

These abusive types are easy to recognize when they blow things way out of proportion. Like her needing for you to apologize when you really didn't do anything that horrible like what @CynthiaDe exemplified. Don't wait a second longer, run a far away from this sicko as fast a you can and never look back. Your sanity depends on it. Better to run than to lose yourself for some sick ******* that didn't give a rat's behind about you because they simply can't and never will.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DomF said:


> Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?


What exactly attracted you to this?

Whatever the cause, Nuvo ring hormones or she is simply a *****y brat, a nice guy routine will not work here.

Time to pull out your battle axe and go barbarian on her ass!

If she doesn't like it? Tough ****! It will be no loss if the ***** in those texts doesn't shape the hell up!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Couch....? my hairy barbarian ass!!!

How are your T levels partner?

Mine are pretty fired up right now and I'm not even you!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> What exactly attracted you to this?
> 
> Whatever the cause, Nuvo ring hormones or she is simply a *****y brat, a nice guy routine will not work here.
> 
> ...


I like this response. You are a Barbarian! 

According to the genetic testing firm, 23 & Me, I have 3.5 % Neanderthal in me. I think I pegged out their instruments and they were too conservative in their assessment.

I would ignore her and sleep in my bed. 

Divorce time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@DomF, you are not only fanning her flames, but you're pouring lighter fuel on them for her. 

You don't engage an unreasonable person. You just don't. You tell her firmly that if she can't be civil, you are ending the conversation. And if she continues, YOU END IT. You ignore the rest of her texts and you carry on with what you were doing.

Apologies should be unconditional. She won't even meet you half way. She's NOT sorry, not one bit.

Dont become her supply. Learn better.


Oh, and keep those screens in a safe place off-site.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

@DomF, Are you even reading what people are posting???


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

DomF said:


> By no means do I want to apologize, unfortunately it's the only way for the conversation to move forward or she will just continue with the same stuff


Why do you even want to move the conversation forward? It's obvious that once her needle is stuck and she's seeing red, that the conversation is going to deteriorate and go into the toilet.
The way you put an end to it is you END THE CONVERSATION. She can't be reasonable? You end the conversation. Don't pick it up again until she wants to discuss it. Just go on with your business and do whatever you want. IF and WHEN she cares, she'll start talking about it again. You can emphasize that you'll only talk with a CALM and REASONABLE person.




DomF said:


> if I don't apologize then it's just a continuous stream of venom from her.


What does that say to you, exactly? Does that seem like the behavior of a reasonable person?
So, even if she's wrong, it's your job to apologize because you made her mad?
Are you afraid of her? Be honest... we won't judge you. It's very common to be afraid of the person who can easily make you walk on eggshells.




DomF said:


> I don't see myself as weak I prefer to fight over something that worth it not a stupid misunderstanding.


Refusing to incite, fuel, or nourish a verbal fight is not weak, it is a sign of mental fortitude. You are choosing to AVOID CHILDISH GAMES.



DomF said:


> That infuriates her even more that I don't want to get sucked into it.


Again... you have no time for childish games. Showing her you will not be roped in means that she can't use you as fuel for her fire. She has no leg to stand on. She can't "win" an argument that can't be allowed to exist.



DomF said:


> I know I'm a type A personality but I've learned to control my anger. But everyday I feel myself more and more getting sucked into these sad fights to defend my right to have a conversation.


She's pulling out all the stops to get you sucked in so that she can use you as a supply to fuel her rage.
Do you reward a child for bad behavior by giving them candy?
Don't reward her for her bad behavior by giving her what she wants and needs.

Stop fueling the fire... throw some sand on it and let her have her tantrums alone. Do not react to her drama.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Yes I'm reading what people are posting and I'm thinking the only way to make things better is to leave. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm getting ready to take a trip to the east coast she was suppose to come with me but threatens she isn't going like it suppose to bother me. It might have the first time she said but now I'm numb to it. I'm completely fine now going solo and not having the drama she likes to start while doing a marathon.

Last night after everything she came home with ice cream and told me she was sorry at that point I told her to stop talking I'm not interested in apologizes she either learns to treat me with respect or find someone else to use as a punching bag. She did her typical talk to respond telling me that if I didn't upset she wouldn't act that way and I need to change first. I calmly explained everyone is responsible for their own actions that if she wants to be upset she is the one causing it. 

I think the logic went over her head, her response was screaming something that people control everyone else's actions and it doesn't matter you say it about how the other person takes it and if they take it wrong you need to apologize. So I told her to have a good day and walked away.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

DomF said:


> I think the logic went over her head, her response was screaming something that people control everyone else's actions and it doesn't matter you say it about how the other person takes it and if they take it wrong you need to apologize. So I told her to have a good day and walked away.


Kudos to you for walking out and standing up to her. She's mental.

A trip to the east coast minus her should be wonderful. You already know exactly what's going to happen if she comes along.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

DomF said:


> Last night after everything she came home with ice cream and told me she was sorry at that point I told her to stop talking I'm not interested in apologizes she either learns to treat me with respect or find someone else to use as a punching bag. She did her typical talk to respond telling me that if I didn't upset she wouldn't act that way and I need to change first. I calmly explained everyone is responsible for their own actions that if she wants to be upset she is the one causing it.


Ice cream? I hope this illustrates to you how lightly she's taking things.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> Ice cream? I hope this illustrates to you how lightly she's taking things.


Exactly! She is quite sick or extremely entitled, regardless of what is wrong with her; you are finally standing up to her emotional bullying.

Very glad you did this. I hope you enjoy that solo trip that you really deserve. Don't let her ruin it for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DomF said:


> Yes I'm reading what people are posting and I'm thinking the only way to make things better is to leave. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm getting ready to take a trip to the east coast she was suppose to come with me but threatens she isn't going like it suppose to bother me. It might have the first time she said but now I'm numb to it. I'm completely fine now going solo and not having the drama she likes to start while doing a marathon.
> 
> Last night after everything she came home with ice cream and told me she was sorry at that point I told her to stop talking I'm not interested in apologizes she either learns to treat me with respect or find someone else to use as a punching bag. She did her typical talk to respond telling me that if I didn't upset she wouldn't act that way and I need to change first. I calmly explained everyone is responsible for their own actions that if she wants to be upset she is the one causing it.
> 
> I think the logic went over her head, her response was screaming something that people control everyone else's actions and it doesn't matter you say it about how the other person takes it and if they take it wrong you need to apologize. So I told her to have a good day and walked away.


Where did you sleep last night?

You are doing much better by stopping your apologies and instead putting the issues squarely on her shoulders where it belongs. She is responsible for how she behaves - period. Good for you for pointing that out to her. It is disturbing that she thinks people control each other. I guess that absolves her of any responsibility for her life. She can always blame it on someone else. But then she wants you to apologize. How does that work? According to her logic she should be able to cause you to respond how she wants you to since she thinks she can control you. It doesn't make any sense.

People who think like her rarely change and only when something super painful happens to them that makes them realize their methods aren't working for them anymore. You can't make that happen for her. Detaching yourself from crazy is a good course of action. Trying to change her is not going to work and it doesn't look like you see that as a possibility anyway.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Haha I know ice cream right, she thinks she can treat me like a punching bag and ice cream will fix it.
Her logic is that of a spoiled child who throws a temper tantrum. I played into it and allowed that kind of behavior to continue now I'm sick of it. If I treat you with respect I should be respected back.
The best part I refuse to drop to her level with belittling, swearing, and name calling it just pisses her off.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

DomF said:


> Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?


Dang, she sounds as abusive as my wife. They should get together sometime, they would probably get along!


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> DomF said:
> 
> 
> > Can you guys tell me if im wrong for being upset?
> ...





Haha that would be a site to see


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

What I need to do now is find a place to stay so I can move out and file for divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DomF said:


> What I need to do now is find a place to stay so I can move out and file for divorce.


DO NOT do this until you see a lawyer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Move into another room - or better yet, tell HER to move into another room - and STOP having sex. but DO NOT move out of the house.

Unless you're renting, then ignore me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DomF said:


> What I need to do now is find a place to stay so I can move out and file for divorce.


Do not move out at least until you have filed.

Buy a book on divorce in your state and read it thoroughly. Make appointments with a couple of attorneys and decide who you want to go with, after you have read up on this and understand the process, your rights, your responsibilities. Do not go to an attorney until you already know how it all works. That will make it easier on you and a lot less likely that you will spend money unnecessarily.

Again: Where did you sleep last night?


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

DO NOT do this until you see a lawyer.[/QUOTE]

Not my first divorce unfortunately, we have no joint property or assets. Everything I own was premarriage and we both work no children so no support either way.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you have a prenup? If not, SEE A LAWYER.

I know you're in a rush now that you've finally made your decision and seen the light  but you don't want to screw yourself either.

Move her into the doghouse and see a lawyer.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Again: Where did you sleep last night?[/QUOTE]

I slept in the bed and got pissed I kicked the dig off the bed


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Make certain you are not fooled into conceiving a child in the coming days after she pretends to come to her senses and turns on the affection. Your wife seems to see you as nothing more than a paycheck. She is completely unsupportive and abusive. The schit will really hit the fan when you file for divorce because it sounds like she really might be BPD, as someone suggested earlier. Just keep her calm while you formulate your escape plan.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Make certain you are not fooled into conceiving a child in the coming days after she pretends to come to her senses and turns on the affection. Your wife seems to see you as nothing more than a paycheck. She is completely unsupportive and abusive. The schit will really hit the fan when you file for divorce because it sounds like she really might be BPD, as someone
> suggested earlier. Just keep her calm while you formulate your escape plan.



I had a vasectomy a few years back lol if she get pregnant I'm going to roll on the floor laughing. I'm not sure what she has but I've talked with my psychology professor about it a little and he said most likely depression with anger issues that cause her to spin out of control with no idea she is doing it.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Slept in the bed and kicked the dog off the bed which made her pissed.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Do you have a prenup? If not, SEE A LAWYER.
> 
> I know you're in a rush now that you've finally made your decision and seen the light
> 
> ...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DomF said:


> I want to move out cause I don't want to deal with the emotional roller coaster that claims to be my wife. The moment she finds out **** is going to hit the fan I would rather have a place lined up moved out and have her served once I'm out


OK, but SEE A LAWYER before you do this.

Seriously. She's a ****ing head case - she WILL find a way to screw you over.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

DomF,

How are you doing?

I'm sincerely curious. I was in a situation similar to yours and took action. Every day is getting better since I filed. Nothing finalized yet, but getting closer.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Solution - start your business part time, keep your job. Once your business starts picking up, cut hours at work. Once your business takes off, quit your job.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DomF said:


> she told me I shouldn't throw it in her face how much I make and just continue to work and *get over it.*
> 
> Now she is back to ignoring me which is a daily thing for her we will be talking and she pull one thing out twist it around or out words in my mouth then flip out telling me how it's my fault she pissed* I try to apologize* for the misunderstanding and she doesn't care.


First, why are you married to this person who clearly doesn't give two figs about you or your happiness? Second, you need to read No More Mr Nice Guy to figure out how you got to this point of apologizing when it wasn't your fault.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DomF said:


> Slept in the bed and kicked the dog off the bed which made her pissed.


Get away from this toxic woman and try and take a vacation for a couple of weeks.Then go and set up your own business and give it everything you have to make it successful.If you don't try you with always regret it.
When I gave up my job everyone I knew told me I was crazy,it took me two years of hundred hour weeks to get my system up and running and I was living on savings.One year later I could have retired.


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