# Not a nice guy but how would you handle this?



## Chuckp47 (Nov 11, 2011)

I'm not a nice guy in most ways. I have hobbies, interests outside my marriage, don't work and slave to do things to try to make her happy, ect. However. I do clean up after myself and my son, in general act like a grown up. I am level headed, abhor arguing and try to make rational decisions. 

My wifes way of dealing with anything is to fly off the handle first (think 2 year old but with more cursing and name calling) She then goes through an ignoring period then acts like nothing happened. At no time in our 10+years together has rational conversation been part of her SOP. This may be a discussion about the dog staining a rug or about us selling the house and splitting up, the outcome is the same. My normal way of dealing with her is to tell her that she needs to stop acting like a child and I shut down, literally. I have to stop talking, leave with the kids, ect. When I get home nothing else is said normally as we are now in the ignoring phase. I used to try to stand up to her, fight back, ect but it only escalates into shouting matches and could easily go to us getting into a physical fight if I let it (I never have or would). According to her family she has always been this way and does have a number of other issues. 
How can I learn to deal with this? I am at the point in my life now when I am coming up with an exit strategy and things will get a whole lot worse before they get better both for me and the kids.
I know by now I can't make her act like a grown up but what can I do to stop the verbal abuse and cursing. My kids shouldn't be around this and I shouldn't have to put up with it. Thank you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Have you both tried counseling? 

If her folks seem to know she has always been like this, what have they done to help her if she acted a certain way growing up? Or maybe they were enablers? They said she had other issues as well, like what?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Chuckp47 said:


> My normal way of dealing with her is to tell her that she needs to stop acting like a child and I shut down, literally. I have to stop talking, leave with the kids, ect. When I get home nothing else is said normally as we are now in the ignoring phase.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whatever your wife's problems may be, this is how you add your part to the dysfunctional marriage dynamic.

It is your responsibility to tell her in a non-threatening way how what she says affects you. Non-threatening means saying "I'm hurt by ..." rather than saying "You hurt me when .....". If she is like my wife she might say "you deserve it" or "you made me angry" but she won't beat you up. Unpleasant as it may be, stick to your guns and share an "I feel hurt by what you say" statement with her every time she has an outburst. By not doing this you and she are dancing your way to complete destruction and your kids will be the biggest losers


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Or maybe they were enablers?


One can guess that she received a lot of negative communication from her parent(s) growing up


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

"I do not/will no longer communicate with you in this way. When you are ready to speak to me in a kind, respectful manner, I will gladly listen to you, until then, do not speak to me at all."

Expect plenty of resistance, hold your ground. Ignore her BS, leave the house if you need to.

Again, hold your ground, refuse to discuss any issues unless she can do so in a respectful way.

Very important that you practice what you preach.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

It sounds to me like she has had people in her life who allowed her behavior, and it seems like its like that still with you. 

I would say if you want things to work, you will need to put your foot down. Set some boundaries, if she crosses them there needs to be consequences. I think people who are not held accountable for their actions are usually the ones ones who have no consequence for them. There fore they will continue on with their behavior.

Get into some MC. If she wont go you get into some IC and maybe they can help give you some things to try as far as boundary setting/consequences.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Get a VAR, voice activated recorder.

Start recording her tirades ... regardless of your plan.

If you want to reconcile you can play them for her to demonstrate how badly she's behaving. 
Someone here actually did this ... and was suitably horrified by their behavior when their partner played it back for them.

If she is truly going off the hook like you describe, and it's impacting the kids as well, then recording her bad behavior will be crucial when you choose to dissolve the marriage.



Doesn't nearly sound like this is something that counseling can make 'better'.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Sometimes the only thing you really can do is LEAVE. My first wife was not opposed to digging her fingernails into my arms, was not opposed to calling me the worst of names and was not even opposed to taking a screwdriver back and forth across the entire length of the newer Porshe I was driving at the time and that was right in front of her own mother! lol

But, she behaved like an angel when I left for a month on a trip halfway across the globe and I returned, although she told me that the marriage was over if I went on that trip (the trip was designed with her in mind, but as part of a power play, she refused to go on the trip just a week prior to the trip and told me if I went on the trip alone that the marriage was over...I gladly chose the trip yet there she was kissing my ass when I returned, although two weeks later I filed for divorce and moved out and never looked back (ok, following a 3 month rebound relationship that ended abruptly, she took me back with open arms and we reconciled for an entire 3 days before splitting for good).

Keep working on that exit plan and just get out. You two are obviously very poorly matched together and that is most likely never going to improve. Instead, time is a wasting and every new beginning starts with an end. Good luck.

(Nearly 5 years following the time I walked out on my first marriage, I am much happier in my second marriage, and while we, too, fight, on occasion, it isn't like in the first marriage, and I am not scared of my second wife as I was of my first wife!).


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looks like she has little to no respect for you. This is a common situation with Stay At Home Dads (SAHD) like you who don't work. You're not very alpha in her eyes, hence the disrespect and always finding fault with you.

And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if there might be a third party involved here, because the scenario seems so common in this type of situation.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You both need professional help to deal with her anger issues. If your not a nice guy to her, this is her way of reacting to your behavior.

My first husband was very verbal/emotionally abusive. He is the meanest human on this planet. This is no joke. I couldn't believe I stayed in that enviorment for a year. I stood up for myself and never was afraid.(he almost killed my baby daughter and I in a rage on afternoon) We fought every single day! Not only that, he was a serial cheater. I could not imagine bringing up my daughter in that enviorment. I had very strict visitation rules through out the years. My daughter is 17 and her father hates her and refuses to let her communicate with her half siblings.(he re married)

Anyways, bringing up children in an abusive household is wrong no matter if it's your wife or both of you screaming at each other. My husband now of 12 years has never raised his voice towards me. We NEVER ever argue. We get along very well and always communicate in a nice tone. We are both very good at comprising if needed, which is not often at all. Neither one of us nag or put each other down. We are very good examples for our children.

You are correct, your children do not need to live in this environment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"

"When I Say No, I Feel Guilty"

Those are two books you can start with.


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## ClosedOff (Nov 30, 2011)

She sounds like she was one of those children who never got spanked. Too bad she's too old to spank now. She needs it.


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## Chuckp47 (Nov 11, 2011)

ClosedOff said:


> She sounds like she was one of those children who never got spanked. Too bad she's too old to spank now. She needs it.


Exactly! Her whole family has the same explode/ignore/deny conflict resolution scheme. In my younger days I often wondered if the joy of just knocking the crap out of her one good time would be enough to keep me warm in jail... Now that I'm older I've learned that if the kids aren't around and the storm begins i can get her going and buy myself a couple days peace and quiet. Not exactly what I thought being married would be like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClosedOff (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe all she needs is some good wall-to-wall counseling...I mean, it works for kids who are bullies, right? You stand up to them, fight fire with fire, and then they become your best friend? Too bad you can't test that theory here too.
I'm sorry this is what you've experienced for marriage...you shouldn't be stuck married to a 5 year old.


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