# How do i live my husband while holding on to an old love?



## SOINLOVE2005 (Apr 14, 2010)

Guys, i really have an issue that might seem simple on paper but while going through these feelings, i feel so helpless...
So here's the situation...i am madly in love with husband of almost 5 years. He is the best guy i have ever had. Somewhere around my 3rd year of marriage, my ex-boyfriend got out of prison and an army of feelings took me over because he is my first love, my first "everything." i have never cheated on my husband but as much as i fantasize about my ex, i feel like i am. We (ex and i) tried keeping in contact with each other after his release but we started crossing too many boundaries so we only speak when i go back to my hometown. Either way, i really do love my ex, and i don't know how to compartmentalize these feelings i have for him and feel like i am not cheating on my husband.

Someone please help me with these feelings so that i can lift this weight off of my shoulders....i pray and i pray very often concerning this. No full answer has come except to not be selfish, but i dont know how to dismiss them.

My ex and i were like heaven on earth, but my husband and i" relationship was made in heaven...please advise me.

Thanks


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

ok reason... why did he go to prison.. your ex that is? here is why i ask when you where dating and so in love what did he do to go away did he respect you then did you keep in touch when he was away?

you loved him when he left and enough that you meet and remarried while he was away... 

i am just saying you made a life and yes it is ok to have feelings for him he is well something that you felt and enjoyed in the past...

here is my thoughts as a mom... and voice of reason. 

If you choose the boyfriend is the love you feel real did it hold the test of time did he change when he was away...? things like that and if you walk away will you miss the man you walk away from.. the love he gave and feels for you. and if you make a mistake with the ex and find it is not what you really remember (our mind tends to play that game with us you are living the past in your memories and he and you have both changed).. will that man you love now in the here and now take you back will he understand will it break his heart?

it is something only you can deside.. and have to live with your choice.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You are committed to your husband, so you need to move on from this other person. Remember, there is a reason you aren't with him now. All the old loving feelings may be hard to let go of, but let go, one day at a time and put your feelings and focus on loving your husband.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Send a note to the ex letting him know you are cutting off all communication at once and forever. You will be emotionally torn as long as you allow him to be part of your life. No contact is the only way to get passed him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, you need to end all contact; it is the only way. Then explore the deeper issues.

You are simply torturing yourself with this--why? It is not about them; it's about you. Counseling will help.

If you continue to have a problem letting go, then talk to your doctor. You might have OCD, or at least the obsessive component. It is not normal to have strong feelings of desire for someone who is not in our lives anymore (when someone dies, the feelings become different over time). 

Do you have a tendency to be a bit of a drama queen? Do you need the adrenaline (which comes with panic and excitement, anxiety and fear, etc) to feel alive? 

These are the kinds of questions you can explore--after you stop all contact. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a FANTASY in your head of what your ex is. 

In REALITY, he is a criminal who WENT TO PRISON. Who will now likely never have a decent job, who went through hell in prison that had to have affected him, who likely has TERRIBLE life skills and would make your life a living hell if you were with him.

All you remember is life before you grew up and became a responsible adult with a husband and a home to protect. Is life boring now? It doesn't have to be. You CAN be working on your marriage, keeping it fresh, finding ways to look forward to seeing each other, going on day trips, trying new restaurants, having kids together.

Instead, you are shifting 50% of your activity into a fantasy, while your husband sits there beside you oblivious and wondering why you don't seem to love him as much as you used to.

This is a conscious choice you are making to NOT focus on your marriage. You can change that.

It starts with NEVER contacting your ex again. It is the only way. And the next step is telling your husband, so that he can help you help yourself.


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## *Tallulah* (Apr 15, 2010)

I know how you are feeling SoInLove2005. I am a newlywed, and recently have found myself thinking about my ex... He was my fiance. I started talking to my-now-husband only 2 months after the relationship with my ex ended. It's been a little over a year. I think maybe I wanted to get married so badly, that I didn't give myself enough time to heal. I know things weren't perfect with the ex. Not perfect at all in fact. He cheated on me numerous times. But I keep fantasizing about all the good times we had. I still have some feelings for him, and I hope he is doing alright. Even though the last conversation we had was very nasty (It was the breakup-never-speak-to-you-again conversation). So no, we no longer speak. But I do look at his facebook sometimes, and see what he's up to nowadays. The love we had was very romantic, high passion. I sort of miss him, in a way. The good part of him. I thought I was going to be with him forever. He broke my heart though. Sometimes I get mad as h€ll about it. With my husband, it's more real. I think I miss the being swept away part with my ex (We were almost always long-distance, except in HS. He would fly me out to come see him, or fly in to come see me.) I can trust my husband, I know he would never cheat on me. And he's a wonderful father. We have a great sex life, and no one has ever satisfied me in bed like he has. Its a tad boring right now... but I don't blame him for that at all. We just moved, so the house is very plain. I don't know anyone here, and we kindof act like hermits, living under a rock. And money is tight right now. I know I would never leave my husband for the ex. I couldn't, because I can't trust him. People don't change. I just, kind of think about what could've been... I guess. If that makes sense. I've never brought it up to my husband... I feel like Im betraying him by even thinking about my ex.

fyi This is my first post on this site. Im going to seek professional help.


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

It is normal to always remember your first love. I know how you feel. I'm glad that you recognized the boundaries being crossed and ceased communication, however, you must cease ALL contact in order for these feelings to go away. Seeing him only when you go back to your hometown will only start it all over again. Then it's back to square one. That will not help you get over him. Your husband deserves your undivided loyalty.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Sounds like another version of the notebook. This one is complicated isn't it....

if you see him and obviously you will have sex at somepoint and of course then you will get to know him again, satisfy your feelings for him which it seems is what you want to know.

Here is the problem with that...Now having an affair and cheating on your husband!

I am going to have to get christain on this one and say resist all temtations you feel and devote yourself entirely to your husband.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

You need to break off all contact with your ex and forget him.

What is missing in your own life that this fantasy of an old love is fulfilling?


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## SOINLOVE2005 (Apr 14, 2010)

My life isn't as satisfying as i can imagine it to be. I am not sure if it is the guy i am longing for or that old feeling of being swept away like mentioned above. He wasn't a bad guy at all. He went to prison for theft by receiving. Not defending him, just clearing it up that he's not a violent criminal or anything. I do understand that i need to get over him. I just dont get how. I don't talk to him. I do see him every 2 months or so when i go home because my family is very close to him. How do i transition from that fantasy to reality. My reality is excellent right now. I have a wonderful husband who adores me and our three girls. He's a youth pastor at our home church. He's a mentor. He is an artist-music and actual art. He's the sole provider of our home right now. He pushes through hell to do whatever necessary for his family. I just can't seem to get off of that rollercoaster "high" feeling that my ex took me on. I am tired of making my husband compete for my affection, i just can't seem to let go.

I am not thorough in ocd like sisters359 mentioned above, but can anyone explain to me in a little more depth how this might apply to how i am feeling? Maybe that is what i am experiencing??

I want to explain further to my husband what i am feeling which i think he can handle, but if i involve him in this "world", am i being unfair to pull him into what seems to be my personal fight?

Thanks so much for talking to me....a complete stranger. This is my first post to this website and i just realized that the messages dont go to my email, so i will check responses more often.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Lust... WOW what a powerful thing. So, do you know what lust is? It is the craving for something FORBIDDEN... 

Now, whatever you put your time money and effort into, is what is going to have your interest. So, YOU MUST STOP CONTACT. DO NOT EVEN TELL HIM... JUST STOP.

Then there is your selfishness. Yep... Without a doubt. Selfishness was ingrained into all of us from birth. So, be selfish with you husband, LEAD you heart to him, by investing your time money and effort into the marriage. That is the only way to be satisfied with it.

And lastly. DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR HEART. The heart is the most deciving thing in this world. You need to lead your heart. 
Following your heart is for the movies and songs. But your heart wants the quick forbidden things.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good advice Harvard!! 

The advice here will be to STOP ALL CONTACT I guarantee that!! Which often I'll argue against, but in your case I don't see another way of making the guilt go away. You said yourself that "swept away" feeling is what your looking for that's courtship, lust, attraction not frienship, respect, and love.

You still didn't answer why you broke up in the first place and there in might be the problem.....some sort of closure? Maybe you feel if he never went to jail you might not have ever broken up? IDK.

Remember what you have with your husband which it seems like you do. Tell "homie" you meant alot to me, I wish you the best, but to continue carrying on with you is not healthy for me or my marriage right now. Then maybe a year or two years down the road you'll feel better. There is no fix if it's real though the honest answer is you may always think of him.

I speak from exp. I will always care about my ex and wonder how she is, what she's doing, etc. I have a awesome marriage just like you........but I've always wondered about her. We comment on each other pics on Facebook and that's about it. No flirting, no phone calls, no I'm gonna come see you......but it is good to see her age, grow up, her kids and say "Hi, from time to time".....that will always be..guaranteed. It's been over 11yrs already and if I allow myself I can get all "goofy" feeling too that's where logic and control come in. 

Love, enjoy, relish, in the great husband that you have is my advice and tell your ex cordially that you need to not talk for the foreseeable future.


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