# Newbie Needs 180 Advice



## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Hello,

I discovered this forum yesterday & wish I'd found it sooner.

Here is my story, no doubt familiar to many of you...

I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for seven and just over 4 weeks ago I discovered he was having an affair with a work colleague. By then it had been going on for around 4 weeks. Before I discovered the affair I had a gut feeling something was wrong and told him his behaviour was upsetting me and I was worried that I was going to lose him. He promised me this wouldn't happen. I was still suspicious and a few days later asked him outright if there was someone else. He denied it. I found evidence by reading his text messages.

I think I just went into self preservation mode, I sat down worked out what I wanted to say & how I wanted to say it. The next day I cooked him a nice dinner then afterwards confronted him asking 'What is going on between you & OW?'. He was going to deny it again but I just said 'I know. Someone told me. You haven't been as discreet as you thought'.

I got the usual 'It just happened', 'I never meant to hurt you', 'I'm confused, I don't know what I want', etc. I tried to point out what he was throwing away, etc, after lurking here for a day I now realise there wasn't much point.

The next day I was so upset I called work and told them I was sick. He went to work, OW wasn't working that day. When he came home I asked if he'd seen her, he said no, I gave him a hug and smelt perfume on his jumper (sometimes it feels like my life has turned into a cliche!). I waited for him to go to sleep and checked his texts, he'd texted her telling her I knew, she'd replied along the lines of 'Great, it won't be long then!'. In the morning I told him to go, he went to hers with a bag of clothes.

I did all the wrong things in the first week, crying, asking him to reconsider, allowing him to come back into the house, sending angry texts, pointing out what a selfish cow she was then I didn't see him for a week & self preservation kicked in again. At this point only my sister and one close friend knew. I rang his mother & told her. I contacted our close mutual friends and told them. I went away for a few days without telling him.

Not seeing him gave me some perspective. He wasn't happy in himself, his career is going nowhere, he hated his job and he was drinking heavily. He had been neglecting me and our relationship while he wallowed in his 'poor me' mindset. I had been telling him he needed to stop drinking, sort himself out and find another job. She had been following him around like an adoring puppy, telling him he was wonderful, how he deserved to be happy and flattering his ego (he can be very arrogant). She reflected an image he wanted to believe, I presented a reality he did not want to face. I am not making excuses for him, he was married, he chose to cheat, he chose to behave the way he did knowing fully the pain and devastation he was inflicting on me.

He had been texting me asking to see me but on my return I rang him and told him that I didn't want to see him as I didn't think it was the best thing for me at the moment and as he had chosen her over me there was nothing to discuss. I have seen him briefly twice, when he needed to collect something, both times I opened the door, politely handed what he needed over with a smile, then shut the door again. I am not texting or calling him. I have continued working. I am starting to socialise again even if I don't feel like it. I have amazing support from friends and family including some of his family. I still have very bad days. I am have no idea if he will come back (or even if I want him to) but I am doing my best to present him with the idea that I may not care.

What I specifically am asking advice on (although any advice and support is most welcome) is this:
A few days ago his grandmother passed away. It was expected after a long illness although I know it will still be a huge shock. Am I being completely heartless by continuing with the 180? Part of me feels like I should offer support while another part of me is screaming loudly 'This was his choice, look after yourself!'.

Thank you to everyone who has posted their experiences and links. The information here has really helped me over the past 24 hours.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Firstly I am sorry you have ended up here, but as you have seen there is lots of good advice and others who know what you are going through.

I think you will have to maintain the "180" otherwise it simply doesn't work. Every time you "slip" it more or less resets and so you will have to show him all over again that you are moving on. 

He is completely self absorbed, so even a small slip will be interpreted as proof of just how amazing he is and reinforce his decision to run off with this amazing new woman (his thoughts, not facts).

You sound like you are doing very well given the circumstances and you remind me somewhat of a friend/client of mine that I posted about a few months ago.

I may have missed it, but are there any children involved?

Finally, good luck and please, keep posting. I found that it helps just to vent sometimes and there will always be someone that will read and help where needed.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

YOU can grieve for his gram any way you want. But let him grieve in his own way. He chose to not have you in his life. The lack of you offering him solace in this time of need is part of the thing he lost. 

Don't feel bad about not offering him comfort. You don't have to be vindictive about his loss - just be 180 about it. You can attend her memorial if you wish. If he approaches you there just excuse yourself. "this isn't the time or place"


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Percy sorry you are here. But TAM is a great place for informantion and help with a WS. This is not your fault he must own 100% of his behivior. Things never work out just like we think they will but I think things will work out better for you in the end.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Thank you for the replies.

Chris989 - There are no children involved. There are also no joint finances as he was always rubbish with money so we each paid half of bills, etc and kept separate accounts. We rent. Before I confronted him I realised that the worst case scenario was him leaving to be with her (I was aware it would be the easiest option for him) so I sat down & worked out if I could afford to still live here on my own. I can, even though money will be tight. I have always been practical. 

I think I felt bad because the last time I saw him he looked terrible. I am the betrayed one (and I'll be honest, some days it takes every ounce of willpower I have to get out of bed and carry on), he left me and I look as if I am dealing with it better than him. I suppose guilt and shame eat away at you, especially as now his friends and family know and none of them are impressed with his behaviour.

Thanks LanieB, I needed validation! I did think 'Let OW deal with it'. She never knew his grandmother, they can't share memories of her, his family want nothing to do with her (although I am aware that this will change the longer they are together). I have done the decent thing & sent cards of condolence to his family. I just think I worried too much some people may think my behaviour harsh.

Judging by the state of him reality isn't living up to his little egocentric fantasy.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

percy said:


> .... We rent. Before I confronted him I realised that the worst case scenario was him leaving to be with her (I was aware it would be the easiest option for him) so I sat down & worked out if I could afford to still live here on my own. I can, even though money will be tight. I have always been practical. ....


Percy, you seem like a really nice person. You also seem to be taking charge of your life after the trauma of infidelity. The one thing I'm surprised at is his unwillingness to maintain the household. 

I'm confused. Does he still have possessions in the (now YOUR) home? If so, why isn't he paying? Tell him to come get his stinky krap out of YOUR house or you will sit it on the front yard. 

Get yourself to a solicitor and review your husband's responsibilities (and yours). Understand your rights and make sure they're honored. 

Keep up the facade of being carefree and well rid of him. If fact, get rid of him!


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> The one thing I'm surprised at is his unwillingness to maintain the household.
> 
> I'm confused. Does he still have possessions in the (now YOUR) home? If so, why isn't he paying? Tell him to come get his stinky krap out of YOUR house or you will sit it on the front yard.
> 
> Get yourself to a solicitor and review your husband's responsibilities (and yours). Understand your rights and make sure they're honored.


He has offered money towards me keeping up the house (guilt)which I have accepted. I was very tempted to tell him to shove it but my practical voice said 'Take it, while it lasts and use it to put yourself in the best postion possible'.
We were together 14 years everything we have is 'ours'. Luckily the OW came with a fully furnished house. All the personal stuff he left (most of it) is bagged or boxed and in a corner of the spare room. I have thought about dumping it all outside her house but I am not yet strong enough to get into the 'who owns what, who gets what' debate so am playing nice.
I fully understand that for me to get through this and come out on top I need to stay in control. Luckily I am stronger and smarter than he is.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

LanieB said:


> It's funny you mention how terrible your WH looks, Percy. My WH has the same problem! I swear he has aged 10 years! I'm surprised I haven't. I've had longer to deal with my WH's affair than you have though. I first found out in August 2012 about the affair. After a few really bad months, I finally kicked myself in gear a little - made myself eat, take vitamins, etc. Don't let the fact that your husband's bad choices are taking a toll on his health/appearance. It's no longer your problem. You worry only about YOU from now on.
> 
> And I seriously doubt anyone is thinking you're being too "harsh" with your cheating husband! He had the affair - THAT'S pretty harsh, if you ask me!


The way I see it is that my role now is to look as composed and groomed as possible. The first few weeks I hardly slept or ate, drank too much wine, etc. The positive is that I've lost weight and therefore feel more confident. I've revamped my make up, I put more effort into what I wear, my hair, etc. It's all a front but he doesn't know that. I am no supermodel believe me but I look a hell of lot better than the OW. It is now her job to look rough in the morning, to sit around in front of him in comfy, old clothes watching tv, complacent now she thinks she has finally won her 'prize'. I know looks are not everything but neither of them are good people inside and it is definitely showing in his face.
I think I felt harsh because of something I said to a friend today about how I was genuinely sorry about his grandmother because I was very fond of her but it doesn't absolve him or wipe the slate clean. Her jaw dropped. She has never been in this dark place that I now inhabit.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have long-term plans w regard to your WH? Are you hoping he'll "come to his senses" and return contritely begging forgiveness? 

If so, how long are you prepared to wait? Are you willing to let him return with no further consequences? 

As I've said, you seem to have clarity, awareness, and acceptance of your current situation - still you should seek a qualified counselor to help you cope. 

Do you have relatives (like your sister) nearby that can help you in a crisis? 

How has his mother reacted to your WH's actions?


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Do you have long-term plans w regard to your WH? Are you hoping he'll "come to his senses" and return contritely begging forgiveness?
> 
> If so, how long are you prepared to wait? Are you willing to let him return with no further consequences?
> 
> ...


At the moment I have no idea what I want if I'm honest. It's only been 4 weeks and only one week since I've deliberately decided on the 180. I chose to cut contact with him for my own sake rather than a plan to win him back. I realised that I took a step backwards after I'd seen him or spoke to him. This is about putting myself first. I am acutely aware that I may be grieving for someone & something that no longer exists.
My family don't live near but I have a lot of supportive friends in the area. One in particular has been through similar and is helping a lot. He was the one who advised the 180.
His mother is upset and angry at his actions. His sister's marriage ended a couple of years ago due to her spouse cheating so she knows the devastation his behaviour will have caused me. Blood is thicker than water though.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Many cheaters are looking for that validation, to be told how sexy, hot, wonderful they are. Even if they hear it from the spouse, it means more coming from somebody else. It's like they are not happy with themselves and are looking to someone else to make them happy. They are willing to overlook all the flaws of their adultery partner so long as they are getting that validation.

It seems strange that someone would throw away a 14-year relationship for someone they have been involved with for four weeks, but you see it all the time on this forum. Something to keep in mind is that HE didn't necessarily think he was throwing away a 14-year relationship - he may have thought that you would always take him back. We call it cake eating - having both the adultery partner and the spouse, feeling comfort that if one doesn't work out he will have the other.

There is little harm in sending him a condolence card with "sorry for your loss, I always loved your grandmother." Nothing more. I don't recommend attending the services, it will just make it harder for you to detach when you see his family.

The purpose of the 180 is to detach and be able to move on with your life. Without kids, I never recommend staying with the adulterer. The memory of the adultery is painful and may dim but never goes away.

I'm sure he had his good qualities, but it doesn't seem like he was such a great guy. It sounds like his loyalty to you may have been one of his best qualities, and now that that is gone, he's left with not much that makes him attractive as a love interest.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Many cheaters are looking for that validation, to be told how sexy, hot, wonderful they are. Even if they hear it from the spouse, it means more coming from somebody else. It's like they are not happy with themselves and are looking to someone else to make them happy. They are willing to overlook all the flaws of their adultery partner so long as they are getting that validation.
> 
> It seems strange that someone would throw away a 14-year relationship for someone they have been involved with for four weeks, but you see it all the time on this forum. Something to keep in mind is that HE didn't necessarily think he was throwing away a 14-year relationship - he may have thought that you would always take him back. We call it cake eating - having both the adultery partner and the spouse, feeling comfort that if one doesn't work out he will have the other.


I think you are right about the 'validation' thing. As I said in my original post the OW has flattered him and presents him with an image of himself his deluded ego needs to believe. 'I deserve to be happy' was one of the gems that came out of his mouth recently. Translated that means 'My selfishness allows me to justify pursuing what I want with no concern for the pain it may cause others'. 
As for throwing away a 14 year relationship I believe he was so caught up in the novelty and excitement of the OW and having his ego flattered he has given absolutely no thought to the long term implications. It must be so much easier to come to terms with the collapse of your marriage when you have consolation in the arms of someone else who is telling you how wonderful you are, how you've done the right thing and how it will all work out happily in the end.
It is not so easy when you are sat in the house you used to share together facing another night alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get a legal separation started https://www.gov.uk/legal-separation


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