# The side effects of a gambling addiction



## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

First of all I have to admit that I knew about the addiction when we started dating. That is the main reason I am still with him. I bad,,,
I met and married a addict, his biggest addiction being gambling. But as with so many addicts there is so much more. The gambling has become the start to so many other things though. When we first started dating it was to have companionship we discussed it up front and both of us said we were not looking for more. We both had decent private lives and just wanted to have someone to hang out with. That didn't last long before we were serious. The discussion about his gambling was very open and straight forward. I told him if he ever hurt me stood me up or lied to me because he was gambling I would leave. He made me a promise that he would not do that. for the first year he (to my knowledge) held to that. We ended up living together then got married. After we got married he said he had completely quit gambling. But when I would come home after work I knew deep down it wasn't true but wanted to ignore it. I would come home and he couldn't even look at me, was mean and would go into rages. They soon were aimed at me. All the things I did were wrong including his words, "I loved him to well". It got so bad I left, returned a week later to get my stuff and was told we would work on it. The problem with an addict is when they are being good they are really good at it. I have never felt so loved, until he gambles and directs the emotional abuse at me. Which is you know an addict the abuse can be horrible. I weigh 105 pound, he told me I could stand to loose some weight. He hits ever raw nerve I have, aims to hurt and has destroyed the person I was. 

BUT, the rest of the days he is the most loving and sweet man I have ever known. how can someone be so wonderful one minute and the worst monster the next. How can I get it through my head this will never end, I will continue to be scared to come home every time I have to go to work. Will this be the day it all blows up? My health is failing fast, the stress is killing me slowly I know that. But when the good is good I am happier then I have ever been.

lol free2b is not free to be any more.....


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

He needs another outlet. Have him find another hobby or something so he would rather do that than gambling. Since he can't gamble, he bottled up all these feelings that is detrimental to your marriage.

At the same time, you need to show him that you are not his doormat. You are not his outlet for his anger. Either you leave the house and stop contacting him for a while, or kick him out if he does blow up. Or just a complete plain 180.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

That is exactly what we did, started remodeling the house and he was doing really great, I was excited to come home life was good. Then he got bored with it and went gambling. That day was the worst and a huge surprise when I came home. Now he stops in the middle of projects and goes as soon as I leave for work. Part of it is I never know when I leave what will happen, its the anxiety of what will be going on while I am gone that is the worst part right now. This last rage I did not fix, usually I am the one to sooth it all over and work us back to positive which can some times take a week. This time (just 2 days ago) I just walked in and went and did my thing, this is the first time in 2 years he has done the fixing. Some how I felt like I had won something. But that doesn't make the fear go away.... I can not believe I of all people fell for this and am now in the proverbial pot.
I have grown to hate myself for falling into it, I am nothing of what I used to be and it pisses me off....


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Please be advised,

The addiction problem you mentioned is likely not the main cause of his abuse towards you. 

It is a separate problem. He is an abusive man who happens to have a gambling addiction. If he where to stop gambling he would still be abusive.

Please note that the progression and pendulum between sweet and charming and emotionally abusive is a core aspect of abusive behavior and it plays a central role in it's devastating potency.

If this is the case you are in a very serious and deep problem without simple clear cut solutions.

Please read the following material as it's a pivotal work on abuse and contains powerful information you need along with recommendations on how to proceed based on your specific circumstances and the style of abuse.

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.


Please come back with feedback once you have read and absorbed the material.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree completely with FreedomCorp. Addictions and anger/abuse issues are two separate things. 

While the book can help you understand the anger part, it won't take away his addiction. The only thing that can do that is HIM. 

You, however, can do something about the codependency that keeps you tolerating this. You said you had a good personal life before, yet you're letting this continue to be a part of your life. Why is that? Please consider finding a CoDA group near you if there is one, or seek individual counseling otherwise.


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

Kathy, I have looked for a group, in my area there are not any of any type. I will keep looking but thank you.

I will definitely read the information and hope it helps get through my thick head. 

I came home today to find he is gambling at least $2,000 a month. Here I worry and stress about bills every day and what he is putting in a machine could take care of all my bills. I feel like such an idiot. I grew up in abusive addicted homes, I walked away from my entire family because I didn't want that in my life and my children's life. Now I am in a bigger mess then ever. At least my children are all grown and gone now. I just can not believe that I am here, I have worked in the field of addiction and abuse. I have seen it all my life. 

feeling really stupid right now....


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

My XH was a gambler too and I left him the beginning of 2012 after realising he was never going to change and I really didn't want to live that way for another 20yrs...They need to help themselves,you cannot do that for him and do you want to continually live with the stress-the stress of having to control the finances knowing it's only you suppressing his gambling, stress from getting calls or having to call companies to explain your account will be overdue AGAIN...the list goes on.

Now that we have separated he has shown me he was never going to stop as he is gambling more and tells our children he never has money because he gives it all to me :scratchhead: 25% of his income for child support is hardly ALL his money....

I was also ashamed and I never really told many friends or family about his addiction and when we separated they were all surprised but the more I told them the more they supported my decision to leave.

You cannot change him, he has to want to change and make the first step himself.My XH still denies he has a problem so he will never get help, he lies to his mother to get money and steals money from his work which he is store manager.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Free, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with Freedom and Kathy that you are describing issues (e.g., anger, rages, abuse, and Jekyll-Hyde behavior) that go far beyond an addiction problem. I therefore ask whether you've seen frequent and strong occurrences of the following behaviors. If you've seen most of them at a strong level, please tell us which ones apply to your situation. If not, please ignore the list.

1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, gambling, or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

Uptown, yes the list is quite accurate there are none of the 18 that do not fit him in some way or another.

The drastic quick mood changes are the worst. It gives me no way to be prepared for what is going to happen from minute to minute. He can walk in the door all sweet and loving and in 5 minutes be raging about something. At first it was the neighbor dogs or his family issues. Then after a year it turned to me, he can rage about my love being to good and make it sound like the worst thing possible. He has told me that my daughter is a bad influence on me and contact needs to stop then the next day ask how she is and have I gotten new pictures or heard from her.

He recently convinced me my job was tearing us apart. I was making really good money and was very good at my job. I quit for our marriage. Now I am not making enough to cover my bills and he said he was going to take care of me. Now I have to beg for everything and it can take him 2 weeks to get the money. He says he was going to just put me on his account and just hasn't. He likes things one day the next hates them. I can not win for loosing. The last 4 days have been like being tortured. Last night he walked in as sweet and loving as possible. I sat here after all I have read recently thinking OMG this is crazy. I questioned if maybe it was just me. Now I don't know what to do....


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

After posting this original message and reading the reply's I see I have a much bigger problem.

I was a strong focused person 2 years ago. I was promoted and moved. My last child turned of age and moved out. After 25 years of raising kids on my own and giving up everything to life's responsibilities I thought this was the time in my life that it was for me. I went back to school graduated with honors was headed down a good exciting road. I had over come cancer 3 times, many personal issues lost a son. and here I was starting a whole new life. 

Then I met Gary. the one thing I could not do for myself. Companionship and someone to love me. Someone to share my future with. He was so there for me, he loved doing the same things I did. He was very supportive loving and not shy about loving me. He was so proud to bring me to join his family and share everything in his life as well as mine. 

I set the ground rules of what I could accept and what I would not ever accept. (being hurt or let down for his gambling) For a long time this worked. Then one night we were suppose to go to dinner with my daughter that was home from the army. He didn't show up. He was at the casino. I told him next time we talked that he had crossed the line. I didn't want any more to do with him. He came to my work a couple days later told me I was right and from that day forward he would not gamble if I was not working. For a year (to my knowledge) he didn't. There were a couple times he went into a rage about other stuff that was not directly connected to me and I just felt something had rightfully triggered his rage, I wrote it off as a bad day. He took to me Las Vegas for my graduation gift. Of course that was stupid and it caused a huge fight. By this point I was turning into a victim and believing it was all me. This is the first I saw where this relationship was changing me and not for the better. I picked up some of the victim habits I had had as a child growing up with alcoholic abusive parent. I started cutting again. Enabling and begging him for his forgiveness and love. I felt so horrible begging him to forgive me for doing nothing wrong. There were times it was a solid week of me begging and doing all I could to get him to love me again. I have given up all my coping skills I learned over the years to help me stay mentally healthy because he saw them as a threat to us. (walking, music, drives and physical work) I quit my job that was good pay and validated to me my worth in my profession. 

Now here I sit reading all this stuff the book that was recommended and I see how much worse this could get. I see how far I have fallen and what a long road I have ahead of me to get back financially on my feet and gain my life back. 

Now I feel like the addict. I am addicted to the good side of Gary. I want that good love and feeling I had at first. I need it now more then I did at the beginning, I know its because I am so scared and feel so hurt. But I know this is escalating and it could turn even worse. I know if it gets worse I will not be able to dig myself out if it gets worse. I am trying to get financially on my feet and get a job that I can support myself on. I know deep down this is leading to divorce I just am having a hard time accepting the reality.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you read up on codependency? You fit the bill.

My heart goes out to you. Had two gambling addicts in my family and it was just the tip of the iceberg with their problems.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

free2bboshay said:


> ...
> 
> Now I feel like the addict. I am addicted to the good side of Gary. ....


Oh boy do I know all about that. My first husband was an alcoholic. Of course I was young and naïve and thought I could help him. And I know all too well how it feels to be addicted to the good side of someone. Particularly when it comes and goes, quite unpredictably. The rewards you get are random and thus actually similar to the rewards you get from gambling on the slot machines. You never know when you are going to get a small reward (some nice behaviour for a while) or are going to hit the jackpot (a promise to change, real effort for a while etc etc). In my case the rewards came less and less frequently and it seems you are finding the same thing.

In the end I had no choice but to leave or he would have dragged me down with him. The sad part was that I still loved him and I know he still loved me. He just loved the drink more.

I feel for you and wish you all the best. I hope you can find the strength to get away - I very much doubt he will improve and nothing you can do will affect that anyway. Unless and until he wants to change nothing concrete will happen.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

free2bboshay said:


> Uptown, yes the list is quite accurate there are none of the 18 that do not fit him in some way or another.


Free, all 18 of those traits are typical behaviors seen in people having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. The 18 traits are simply my expanded description of the 9 classic BPD traits listed in the APA's diagnostic manual.

I caution that spotting BPD traits does NOT mean you necessarily are seeing the disorder itself. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of these traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. Indeed, these traits usually are essential to our survival at a low level. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they distort one's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. 

"Persistence" is an important distinction because everyone occasionally exhibits a strong flareup of their BPD traits. These flareups can be caused by drug abuse, by hormone changes (e.g., puberty or midlife change), and -- far more rarely -- by a head injury or brain tumor. In contrast, when a person has strong _persistent _BPD traits, they typically start showing in the early teens and last for a lifetime (if left untreated). 

Significantly, persistent traits do not disappear for years at a time. They will disappear, however, during the courtship period because his infatuation over you will hold his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. When the infatuation starts to evaporate, those fears return and you will start triggering a release of his anger. At issue, then, is NOT whether your H exhibits the nine traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits most of these traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any and all strong BPD traits that are occurring. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and inability to trust.


> I sat here after all I have read recently thinking OMG this is crazy. I questioned if maybe it was just me.


If you've been living for several years with a BPDer (i.e., person with strong traits), "crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling. It is extremely confusing and disorienting to live with a BPDer. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the new diagnostic manual, BPD is the one that is most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more partners coming in -- to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.


> The drastic quick mood changes are the worst. It gives me no way to be prepared for what is going to happen from minute to minute.


If he has strong BPD traits, that Jekyll-Hyde behavior is to be expected. A BPDer has such a fragile, fragmented sense of self that he cannot tolerate ambiguities, uncertainties, mixed feelings, or other grey areas. He therefore "splits off" the mixed feelings, allowing his conscious mind to be in touch with only one set of feelings at a time. This is why a man who deeply loves you can be completely out of touch with those loving feelings -- and treat you with great hatred and malice.


> He has told me that my daughter is a bad influence on me and contact needs to stop then the next day ask how she is....


If he has strong BPD traits, he has such a strong fear of abandonment that he likely will try to isolate you away from friends and family members -- so as to make it easier to control you and prevent you from walking out on him.


> Now I don't know what to do....


As an initial matter, I suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Granted, even if your H has full-blown BPD, that psychologist will not be able to diagnose him without seeing him. 

Yet, if the psychologist does see him and recognizes the BPD, it is very unlikely he will tell your H, much less you. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of their disorder because it is not in the best interest of the client to be told. This is why I strongly recommend that you see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not those of your H.

I also suggest that, while you're searching for a good psychologist, you read my description of BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. It is located at My list of hell!. Kathy also provides an excellent description of BPD behavior at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. If those two descriptions ring lots of bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. And I suspect that Kathy, Mavash, and Freedom would be glad to join that discussion because they are very experienced with this issue.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, so far, it's hard for me to distinguish if the rage is because of something like BPD, or if they are a means of protecting his addiction (or both.)

But in any case, what matters here is not his diagnosis, but her choices. She can't change him. She went from a life she was reasonably comfortable with to a life she's not pleased about, and is wanting to change that. 

Free2B, the basic issue here is that you've stopped upholding your boundaries. You might SAY something, but he knows you won't DO anything when he violates them. You'll need to learn how to let your behaviors speak for you. When he says he'll be someplace and doesn't show up, you should not wait for him or make any adjustments to make things easier on him or others. Then next time, plan for him not to attend, and tell him he's not invited because of what happened last time. Let him PROVE that HE has changed before you start thinking that maybe it'll be different. Trust your eyes and ignore your wishful thinking. 

If he doesn't pay the bills he's supposed to and it's hurting your credit or likely to, file for divorce. Don't talk about it, just do it. Or find another way to get the money before he can go to a casino - like require him to have it direct deposited into YOUR account, and give him an allowance. 

In some places, there's a gambling hotline 1-800-BETSOFF. If he isn't willing to get help, though, recognize that you still have a responsibility to and for yourself - not to him and not for him. 

Take a look at these suggestions from HelpGuide.org, a site for problem gambling: 

*Do’s and Don'ts for Partners of Problem Gamblers*

*Do*
Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families such as Gam-Anon.
Explain problem gambling to the children.
Recognize your partner’s good qualities.
Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.

*Don’t*

Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
Bail out the gambler.
Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.
*Source: Dept. of Mental Health & Addiction Services*


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

I feel blessed in a sad sort of way this morning. The feed back here makes me feel less lonely then I have in a long while. It is good to have people out there who get what I am saying. 

I have been slowly changing things and hadn't even realized I was. A couple of days ago when I came home and he was in a mood and had been gambling I basically ignored the mood (not so much him) but pretended it wasn't happening. It seemed to deflate him enough I was finally able to calmly tell him I have some thinking to do about "us" because I am tired of the last hour of my day being scared to death of what I am going to find when I come home. I told him how my already bad stomach feels and my anxiety peaks. I told him it wasn't about what I needed or wanted him to do anymore because I realize he is not going to change, his priority is not what is good for us or me. I told him it is time I started looking at my options and look at my choices. Telling him this is about me not living in fear felt really good. Letting him know this is not how he feels or what he is doing that it is finally about me felt like I took something back. He got a look like I had hit him with a baseball bat. He started to argue, I looked at him and said no this isn't about your feelings now it me and what I can and cant deal with anymore. Just wanted to let you know where I stand and that I know I need to do something different now. 

I believe that is why I am seeing little changes in the way I have been doing things. I feel more focused on finding me again. I have read half of the book that was recommended. I see a lot of things that fit us and some that thank God don't. I have taken little steps and now know where my focus needs to be, that being I need to get my safety net back, it will take sometime but I know I can get there again. I have slowly organized my things so that should I need to make a quick exit it can happen in a short time. He hasn't said anything but I believe he sees exactly what I am doing. Since the day I talked to him he has been on his best behavior, which has been good that I have had peace to do this thinking, reading and planning however I know from history that this also means the next rage will be worse. 

Kathy, I can see from reading your post and the info you recommended that what I am most likely dealing with is BPD. I also see that the previous info about the angry man is also fitting. At this point I feel like its not my biggest priority to know which just to absorb as much info as possible about both so that I can some how hold on at this point. Understanding has always been one of my best tools. 

I live in a town with many addicts and hard people but find there are no support services here, it blows me away that any town in this day and age has so closed off the chance for help. But that is another issue. 

When I am at my best I am a strong person and that has helped me to hold off most attacks from abusers that is my goal right now to get my strength back in myself to keep safe till I can get myself in a better place.

All this input has helped so very much thank you all!!!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You handled that very well, Free.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

It is amazing and inspiring how sometimes posts on an internet forum can have such a powerful positive impact.

They sometimes are sufficient or contribute to tip the scales for the better.

This as it stands is much more than just a forum. And it's participants much more than just posters.


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

Ok, update. 
I have read the majority of the book how can he do this. I have studied and started implementing the 180. 

I know its fresh but it appears to be working for right now. I walked into the nightmare again last night. It was two hours of his anger. I sat here and looked at him like I was bored, then when he did ask questions or for input I made it about me. 

He informed me his gambling is just for relaxation its his thing. I said you are right we all need something and I think its about time I started doing some of the things I used to do. Like playing pool and dancing. Walking going to the gym etc. He really did not like that idea. I just restated it was his idea, we all need our thing. It was like a light went on for both of us and I felt power again for the first time in a long time.

Just need to keep it going now.


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

Well, I have continued reading the book and am working on the 180. I have found some of it works very well and some I have a hard time with. 

A lot of my husbands behavior fits the book but some not so much. I have been taking baby steps with the 180. I finished laundry the other day and left his on his dresser. I don't get him coffee every time he is about out. I don't wait on him hand and foot like I used to. I don't text him first and I don't sit here waiting for him to talk to me. These little things have brought on a list of my short comings. Even on my days off I get up and make his lunch. I bake him cakes and bake him cookies etc, anything he might like. Now After all this time I apparently don't make his coffee right or much of anything else. In stead of sitting here letting it all hurt me I told him to knock it off. I have been doing the same thing for over a year and if he didn't like it he should have said something rather then wait for a year and get a whole list. Told him he wouldn't like it if I sat here with a list of his supposed faults after bragging about how good everything was for a year. Said if he didn't like something to speak up not hold it till he could make a list. Yes, he got cranky but when he left for work he said he loves me and gave me a hug. For him this is a huge step.

I am worried that this may cause one of his biggest rages but it felt good too. There are so many ways this could get worse now but I didn't have far before I hit my bottom with out standing up for myself either.

crossing my fingers


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