# Looking for advice...



## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Hi all, I'm a newbie here. 1st post and all.

I guess I'll just get to the heart of the situation...

I've been married 11 years now, no children, and I don't feel attracted to my wife anymore. Beyond that, she's the focus of a mess involving my side of the family...its a long story, and one that I'm not even sure of the details on, but its left me unable to speak to my mother or grandmother without getting an earful (and more) about it from my wife...she insists that they owe her an apology. This problem is now going on like 6 years...

My wife doesn't work outside the house, but is still working on her bachelor's degree. She would have been finished by now if she would STOP switching majors...I get tired of people asking what her major is "this semester". She blames my career for her not being able to "follow her dreams"...she wants to go to grad school and keeps flip-flopping between "practical" degrees that she has no interest in (like nursing), and the math/science that she likes. She wants to move to go to grad school, and I don't want to leave my home state, or my career...

She's also insanely jealous. I can't talk to female coworkers around her, and god forbid the ones that are good looking. I try to find reasons not to go to company events with her along so that I don't get into trouble...I'm forced to act like a different person if she's around.

I don't hate her, in fact, I still love her...but more of as a friend or sister. I try to encourage her, and do what I can to keep her happy, but my home-life is stressing me the hell out. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm just not happy.

I think I want to pull the trigger on a divorce...but am afraid of the fall-out more than anything.

Am I being a selfish ass? I know she loves me. She tries to make things nice for me...but I think I'd be happier alone.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Are you talking physical attraction or emotional?

Was she always jealous or did something you did that would have provoked real jealousy occur? Or, did you beginning to pull away over your family and she is reacting to that?

Are you looking to validate your desire to leave or trying to find a way to stay?

Is she on medication of any sort?

Last but not least, have you tries marital counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Thanks for responding.


ClipClop said:


> Are you talking physical attraction or emotional?


Physical & sexual attraction primarily. 



ClipClop said:


> Was she always jealous or did something you did that would have provoked real jealousy occur? Or, did you beginning to pull away over your family and she is reacting to that?


She has always been jealous & clingy. I didn't really discover it until after we were married, but the signs were there. I was just too far gone in love-funk to notice.



ClipClop said:


> Are you looking to validate your desire to leave or trying to find a way to stay?


Honestly, I think I'm trying to find validation and work up the courage to leave. As I said, I still have feelings for her, and don't want to hurt her, but I'm miserable in our relationship. I hate to hurt her, but I'm coming to the realization that its not going to get better. I'd always hoped that some of our problems would work themselves out with time, particularly the jealousy & clingyness issues...to the best of my knowledge, I've never done anything to cause an issue.



ClipClop said:


> Is she on medication of any sort?


She was on antidepressants for a couple of years, but has since been removed from medication. It helped a little with some of her separation anxiety issues, but not with the general clingyness, jealousy, or school issues.



ClipClop said:


> Last but not least, have you tried marital counseling?


Yes and no. I haven't been able to communicate these feelings to her...every time I start getting to the point where my misery compels me to speak, she cries and asks me if I'm going to leave her. At which point I clam up and reassure her...I've never been able to deal well with tears. And yeah, I know that lying to her isn't helping anything. I just don't know how to handle it. 

If we're to be divorced, then I'd rather get it over with while were both still young enough to start over without too much of a problem. I have a feeling that if I stay in the relationship another 5 years, I'll just "put up with it" for the rest of my miserable life.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

You and I seem to share similar traits in our marriages

What is this family situation that is causing problems? What about her family?

There was never an incident of any sort to cause this jealousy?

Does she have any history that would cause her to be this way?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

First off, try laying down the law. This endless quest for the magic education is bankrupting people. In this crummy economy why go into debt to NOT get a job? Put your foot down and crush this BS. 

I would try to change things up before you throw in the towel if you do still love her. Counseling could be the cheapest thing you could do in the long run. If you get divorced, instead of getting credit for supporting her through her schooling you'll just end up paying alimony.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Write her a.letter and be very honest. Also.be.specific about the.concrete things she can do to change things. Further, you need to tell her this.is.bad enough that you are contemplating divorce because you are.so miserable. You should have.been honest earlier. It won't change if.you aren't clear. You.are partly to blame for.not putting a line in the.sand.

I hope youare being honest about her having no reason. If you did something while dating, that still counts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Meds might be in order again esp if.she.has.obsessive thoughts. These things might harm her ability to concentrate on school. ADD might also be in there. But maybe not. She should see a doc for.a.full psych work and spill everything. 

I would tell her no more help on her work. Your degree is your responsibilty and hers is hers. Plus, it.is cheating and that isn't cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

njpca said:


> You and I seem to share similar traits in our marriages
> 
> What is this family situation that is causing problems? What about her family?
> 
> ...


Her family is fine, a little too religiously conservative for my taste, but good people. She has some "daddy" issues, her dad never really showed her any approval...one of those men for whom nothing is ever good enough.

As to her problems with my family...I s'pose I should have mentioned this earlier, but this is my second marriage. I got married at 18, to my highschool sweetheart, when I was still in the military. Big, big, mistake. Lasted about 6 months before I found out that she was cheating on me with an older guy. I met my current wife not long after, and was married again far, far too soon. Nowadays I realize I was just trying to get away. Mea Culpa.

Anyway, my grandmother really liked my ex, to the point where they corresponded for a while after my divorce and remarriage...she also kept photo's (including wedding photos) of the ex displayed for a couple of years afterwards. I don't really know what the argument between them was originally about, but now its a grudge, and my mother has been pulled into the mess as well.  

I'm just stuck in the middle. Just like in War Games, the only winning move is not to play. 

To continue, I don't really know much about her prior relationships, just that she had had a couple of boyfriends before she met me. And I don't *think* I've done anything to cause the jealousy issue, other than being married once before (for a very short while)...which she knew about going forward.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Locard said:


> First off, try laying down the law. This endless quest for the magic education is bankrupting people. In this crummy economy why go into debt to NOT get a job? Put your foot down and crush this BS.
> 
> I would try to change things up before you throw in the towel if you do still love her. Counseling could be the cheapest thing you could do in the long run. If you get divorced, instead of getting credit for supporting her through her schooling you'll just end up paying alimony.


Some more background- 

1. We live in Anchorage Alaska, which affects some factors

2. The Wife used to be an Air Traffic Controller, but ended up resigning her position after a car accident. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life after that, and bounced around from job to job, never lasting for more than 6 months before quitting. She was just miserable. I make enough money that I'd rather "waste" it on her going to school than deal with the mess I'd come home to every day if she was working full time or just staying home (even worse). She's felt totally lost since leaving the aviation field. 

3. She's decided she wants to move to the lower 48, and has been asking for years. It seems like a firm case of "the grass is greener". She complains that the school up here doesn't offer what she wants, that the jobs she would like aren't available, that rent is soooooo much cheaper (that one is true, generally), among other complaints. She has a litany.

Honestly, after typing all this out, I feel even more like I just want it done with. I really don't care about the cost...I don't want to pay a permanent alimony, but I'd be more than happy to pay for the rest of her degree. I'll take the liabilities, she can have all the assets (outside of my personal stuff) and then she can move wherever the hell she wants. God, I'm feeling grouchy this morning.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Meds might be in order again esp if.she.has.obsessive thoughts. These things might harm her ability to concentrate on school. ADD might also be in there. But maybe not. She should see a doc for.a.full psych work and spill everything.


She had regular sessions while she was on antidepressants, but it never seemed to help.



ClipClop said:


> I would tell her no more help on her work. Your degree is your responsibilty and hers is hers. Plus, it.is cheating and that isn't cool.


??? I don't know where this came from, or what its about ???


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Omg, I'm confusing you and anotherbposter. Your stories are similar. 

Bummer about her job. Heard they make good money. 

Was she like this before her accident?

.b
BTW, it is hard to live in the shadow of an ex. It is doubly hard when she cheated on you yet you Get treated poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Thanks ClipClop.

I didn't have time to notice really, her car accident was about 6 months after we married. And I'd only met her about 6 months before that. Stupid of me, but I was too young & stupid to follow good advice back then.

Looking around this forum makes me realize that there's quite a few guys in similar situations. I've been reading the posts about being too much of a nice guy, and feel like I'm firmly stuck in that trap...


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Acctguy said:


> Her family is fine, a little too religiously conservative for my taste, but good people. She has some "daddy" issues, her dad never really showed her any approval...one of those men for whom nothing is ever good enough.
> 
> Anyway, my grandmother really liked my ex, to the point where they corresponded for a while after my divorce and remarriage...she also kept photo's (including wedding photos) of the ex displayed for a couple of years afterwards. I don't really know what the argument between them was originally about, but now its a grudge, and my mother has been pulled into the mess as well.
> 
> I'm just stuck in the middle. Just like in War Games, the only winning move is not to play.



Yeah my wife has some simialar daddy issues, but even bigger mommy issues.

She has also a similar problem where her mom's family sends her abusive ex-boyfriend christmas cards every year and somewhat blames my wife for ruining that relationship.

I think if you really truly love her, counseling is the way to go. It sounds like one thing is you guys need to at least try to come up with a compromise to satisfy both your needs. You don't have to approach her about as a threat that your marriage isn't working, but something in the lines of I want to help make this better for the both us and have us be happier together.

Depending on the severity of the situation with the family, it might even help to address those family issues at some point in the therapy. It sounds like there just may be a lot of miscommunication going on between everybody, and talking it out with professional can at least clarify the issues better. You might even want to ask for them to join you in a session at some point.

I think you really should at least try to approach these solutions before thinking of just cutting it off. You've been married to her for quite a while now so it seems that you care and love her deeply enough to go this far.

Hope this is insightful enough and best of luck.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Didbyou defend your wife to your family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Not to her satisfaction. I'm a pretty passive guy when it comes to family issues. I learned to keep a low profile in family conflicts as a child. When it comes to family fights I always try to stay neutral, and stay out of the line of fire as much as possible. She is NOT happy about that.

I'm the kind of person who will apologize just to smooth ruffled feathers, regardless of whether I'm at fault. I swallowed most of my pride a long time ago...


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Acctguy said:


> Not to her satisfaction. I'm a pretty passive guy when it comes to family issues. I learned to keep a low profile in family conflicts as a child. When it comes to family fights I always try to stay neutral, and stay out of the line of fire as much as possible. She is NOT happy about that.
> 
> I'm the kind of person who will apologize just to smooth ruffled feathers, regardless of whether I'm at fault. I swallowed most of my pride a long time ago...


Trust me this does not work. I tried to do the same exact thing where I was trying to be the one to make everyone happy, and my wife just thought that I wasn't being attentive to our own boundaries between us and family.

Unfortunately, unless you take charge in the situation it's just going to make her more upset. Passivety translates to not caring in her mind.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You betrayed her by not defending her. That would have killed my love and respect for you right there. I want a man to stand up for me and for what is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Passive translates to weak and uncaring. I can't think of a worse set of traits for an otherwise good guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

That's kinda why I think we're done. I bend over backwards, and catch hell no matter what I do. My personality works fine for my profession...I have happy clients, my accounting firm is happy with my work, my coworkers like & respect me, but at home...all my stress is from home. I stay at work late to avoid going home sometimes. Especially when I know she wants to "talk" about the same damn things over and over...she's not happy here, she wants to go to grad school, she wants she wants she wants.

Well sorry. I'm not quitting my job at the firm to move on a dang whim. But I just can't bring myself to tell her that...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Work isn't home and vice versa. You need a different set of skills. Are you too stubborn to see that you have some apologizing to do and some things to make up to her with your family? 

I bet when you are making your clients happy you aren't choosing one over the other in their faces. The analogy isn't even close. 

You screwed up. Fix it and see if it helps. If you won't at least do that, you aren't good husband material in my book. I can't count on you. You aren't just. You aren't loyal. You don't honor your wife. And you certainly don't protect.

Remember, you leave your parents and cleave to your wife.
Q_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow, staying late just to avoid going home, there is one possibility why she might be jealous. Do you even have situations where you do actually have to work late? If you don't, your just helping your wife create possibilities in her head about you doing something behind her back.

I have to ask though, can't you work somewhere else in the country for the type of work you do? My wife and I went through the same thing but I work in a much more specialized field, so it's not easy to up and move to different areas.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

I've apologized for my family plenty of times. I can't make them apologize to her. I know my grandmother, not gonna happen.

Any other "protection" I can handle. I'll fight, if its that kind of threat. I can't exactly take my mother & grandmother out back and thrash them, now can I? Nor would I want to.

I didn't want to air all my dirty laundry, but y'know what? I think my wife was in the wrong. She's stubborn as hell when she's mad, and makes mountains out of molehills when she feels wronged. She should learn to deal with the crap that life hands you. She should have just kept quiet and dealt with it.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

njpca said:


> Wow, staying late just to avoid going home, there is one possibility why she might be jealous. Do you even have situations where you do actually have to work late? If you don't, your just helping your wife create possibilities in her head about you doing something behind her back.
> 
> I have to ask though, can't you work somewhere else in the country for the type of work you do? My wife and I went through the same thing but I work in a much more specialized field, so it's not easy to up and move to different areas.


I work at a CPA firm, and have to work late quite a bit. Mid-February through mid-April I work about 70ish hours a week. Plus extra hours whenever a project deadline comes up the rest of the year. She doesn't think I'm cheating. She can tell when I'm at the office because we use a MS exchange server and MS logins with messenger for intraoffice communications. In other words, she can tell when I'm at my desk and IM me if she wants.

As to moving, I need to stay with the firm I'm with for 2 more years minimum (been there almost 2 now), but I frankly don't want to leave. Its a GOOD career. A nice place to work. I like my coworkers...they're like family. 

And frankly, I don't think moving will fix anything. She still won't "know what she wants to be". I kinda doubt she can hack grad school, and I don't know what she'd do with it anyway.

All the risks involved...and I have to leave a great job, likely take a substantial paycut, lose out on promotion opportunities...yeah, bad deal for me. I'm tired of being the guy who pays for everything and grants every whim. This has been the one thing I wouldn't give her. If she wants it that bad, she's gotta leave me behind.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Thanks for the replies...I need to go cool off. I'm getting all bent out of shape thinking about this right now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really think your problem goes all the way back to when you married your wife. You weren't ready to be married again--this was a rebound relationship. You needed time to be single again.

As for your wife's problems--she has got them. Medications aren't the answer. Honestly, I've got a brother who was like that much of his life. He has NEVER managed to stick to anything. As a family, we accepted it and found ways to live with it. Therefore, I'm afraid you need to either accept how she is or move on. You may try counseling, but it's doubtful she will change. However, I would stop throwing good money into her education. It's a waste.

As for the alimony problem, check with an attorney. In my state she would not get permanent alimony for an 11 year marriage. Keep staying in that marriage and it could get to that level though. 

True, your grandmother's choice to keep pictures of your ex up was in bad taste. But, it was in HER house. We can't exactly tell people they can no longer have a friendship with our exs. That's entirely up to them. The reason your wife has had such a nasty reaction is due to her jealousy problem. A confident person would have let the relationship between your ex and grandmother not become an issue. A jealousy problem goes back to a self-esteem problem (when other reasons aren't present). She probably needs counseling in order for you to ever have peace in your house.

I wish you well with your situation.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I think you should just try some marriage counseling to at least see if you guys can make things work. If she cares enough for you and your needs and is open to discussing, she should be on board to try.

Maybe you can come to a compromise to give her two years to really get her act together and finish whatever schooling she needs, then you guys can consider moving after you have established yourself and find a better job. If she falters or changes plans again, that's the last straw

I totally get that you like where you work and your co-workers, but there is no harm in trying to see if there may be better out there when the time comes. I am in the same boat. Love my job and all, but I'll still keep searching to see if there is anything else as long as it's in my career field.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

njpca said:


> I totally get that you like where you work and your co-workers, but there is no harm in trying to see if there may be better out there when the time comes. I am in the same boat. Love my job and all, but I'll still keep searching to see if there is anything else as long as it's in my career field.


It may be a little different for me, I'm on the partner track at my CPA firm, which is the largest in the state (a regional firm, not one of the Final Four international accounting firms), and that's not something I'll be able to recreate easily. So moving away is a big deal for me. I'm very much a bird in hand kind of guy. Think of it as the PV of my current job vs the PV of any future positions...


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## Theword_love (May 31, 2011)

acctguy,
I want to be completely honest with you, as a woman on the other side of this type of situation.
You may have married her on rebound, but you married her. No one forced you. As others have said, lay down the law and tell her no more school, etc. Fix the small things if you can and then take a honeymoon together. Love has to be an action sometimes, and it takes work in a marriage. You are obviously suffering from a lot of stress because of her, but what can I say? Women are a pain. Open up to her and go to marriage counseling. 

"For better or for worse."


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Theword_love said:


> acctguy,
> I want to be completely honest with you, as a woman on the other side of this type of situation.
> You may have married her on rebound, but you married her. No one forced you. As others have said, lay down the law and tell her no more school, etc. Fix the small things if you can and then take a honeymoon together. Love has to be an action sometimes, and it takes work in a marriage. You are obviously suffering from a lot of stress because of her, but what can I say? Women are a pain. Open up to her and go to marriage counseling.
> 
> "For better or for worse."


Yeah. I remember the vows. But I feel like a chump for taking them. I feel like I've been leached off of for years, emotionally and financially. The pain isn't worth it. She wants to go somewhere else so bad...a divorce would free her to do so.

I'll tell you right now, "laying down the law" ain't gonna happen...It's far easier for me to file for a dissolution of marriage and not face her again than it would be to come home to a miserable wreck for the rest of my life. I can't deal with it when she's depressed. Can not. I guess that makes me a cowardly ass...but there it is.

I'm good at running away & hiding from emotional issues...not so good at confrontation. I know, I'm a giant friggan wuss. As Popeye says, I am what I am...and I don't see it changing anytime soon. If it makes you feel any better about it, I don't ever want to marry again. :banghead:


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I've read all the posts and your responses and it seems to me that your dilemma now is not if you are going to get a divorce, but the easiest way to let her know and let her down. I've watched several people in my life get divorced and there just is no easy way. There will be tears and stuff and you are just going to have to steel yourself to it - not be a jerk, mind you...but be firm in your choice and don't waver back and forth and give in. You made a mistake in marrying her so soon after your first wife and you know it...you've said it here. So expect the tears and the pain of going through it again and just know you'll still come out on the other side better off, and so will she. 

Good luck!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

By the way, I agree with what ClipClop has to say about betraying your partner with not standing up for her. I am guilty of doing this with my husband in the past, because he didn't always get along with my meddling family, and I was too weak to stand up for him and one day he really opened my eyes by saying, "Do you know what I would do or say to somebody if they put you down? Do you think I would let them do that to my wife?!" and since then I've changed things. It really did help. So for any future relationships, or even this one if you stay, remember that that does matter.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

stillme4you said:


> By the way, I agree with what ClipClop has to say about betraying your partner with not standing up for her. I am guilty of doing this with my husband in the past, because he didn't always get along with my meddling family, and I was too weak to stand up for him and one day he really opened my eyes by saying, "Do you know what I would do or say to somebody if they put you down? Do you think I would let them do that to my wife?!" and since then I've changed things. It really did help. So for any future relationships, or even this one if you stay, remember that that does matter.


I really want to understand this, but I'm just not getting it. I'm not sure where my disconnect is, but it just seems like the whole thing should be a non-issue. Out of our problems, it drives me the most crazy because it hurts her so much, and I just don't see what the problem is. 

Sure, I understand the words in front of me, but it doesn't make any sense. Why would you start confrontations over things people say? Its not worth fighting over. Bullies leave you alone if you ignore their bullying, if you let them get a raise out of you, they won't ever stop. They may still make the occasional comment, but you just ignore them when they do, especially if they're family.

Like I've said, I've never had a problem with "real" fights...I worked security for several years, and had quite a few of those kind of confrontations...they're easily dealt with using the application of controlled violence, sometimes just verbal confrontation- but always backed up with the threat of violence. Drunks, criminals, crazies, mostly drunks...those I know how to deal with. If they were a threat, they'd be brought down quickly, easy peasy.

I have no idea how you're supposed to apply those principals to dealing with family members, particularly my grandmother & my mother. People have tried to give me advice on the issue before, but I just don't get it. I've tried talking to a counselor about it before, and I just get the feeling that I'm emotionally retarded or something...meh.  My way doesn't seem bad to me, its everyone else who seems crazy.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Don't let the fear stop you. Just talk to her. Be honest. It WILL suck but I am certain it will suck less than you have built it up in your mind. Or at least that was the case for me.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Acctguy said:


> I really want to understand this, but I'm just not getting it. I'm not sure where my disconnect is, but it just seems like the whole thing should be a non-issue. Out of our problems, it drives me the most crazy because it hurts her so much, and I just don't see what the problem is.



Well, see...this _is_ the problem. It doesn't matter whether or not you understand why it bothers her so much. What _does_ matter is that she is bothered by it. Perception becomes reality, you know. She is obviously very upset by whatever it is your family members have done or said to or about her, and you, her partner in life and the one who knows your family better than her, won't step in to "have her back" if you can understand that. Imagine if it was physical, and there was this big bully pushing one of your good friends around that is smaller than the bully and beating him up and you just stand there and say, "If he doesn't like it, he should just say/do something. It's not my problem." What a great friend you would be. I certainly don't need friends like that. It's doubly worse when it is your life partner leaning back and saying, "It's not my problem." It _is_ your problem. It's your family members.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

There is a difference though. Physical violence can be met with as much physical violence as is necessary to stop the conflict. A real open & shut matter. 

What am I supposed to do against my family? What threat do I put with the Stop! or else...that can have any meaning? I refuse to have to choose between my wife and my family. She's the one that married into the clan. 

I do my damnedest to get along with those relatives of hers that I don't like, why can't she do the same?!? And believe me, they're not *all* nice. Most are very fundamentalist Christians, who gave me crap for years that Catholics were gonna burn in hell...I was still polite and didn't rock the boat, even if I thought they were a bunch of retards. 

And frankly, I'm getting to the point where I really resent what she's done to further the conflict. I graduated from college in 2010...my wife removed the graduation announcements that I had prepared for my mother & grandmother from the mailbox after I had left, and threw them out. WTF. I only found out about it because I had called my mother a few days before graduation to ask if they were going to make it, and was told that neither had received their announcements (sent weeks prior). 

And te last time my grandmother was in the hospital for surgery, she actively discouraged me from trying to visit her. I shouldn't have to deal with crap like that. SHOULD NOT.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm with you on this part of the problem. And I stated that in my earlier posts.



827Aug said:


> True, your grandmother's choice to keep pictures of your ex up was in bad taste. But, it was in HER house. We can't exactly tell people they can no longer have a friendship with our exs. That's entirely up to them. The reason your wife has had such a nasty reaction is due to her jealousy problem. A confident person would have let the relationship between your ex and grandmother not become an issue. A jealousy problem goes back to a self-esteem problem (when other reasons aren't present). She probably needs counseling in order for you to ever have peace in your house.


Your wife is the one who caused the big family rift (and still is). Marriage is not about making a spouse choose between family and his/her partner. You shouldn't have to choose one over the other; ideally you should get to have both. Your wife's overreaction basically created a "wild fire". I'm with you on this one; it's hard to defend someone who is in the "wrong". After all, you have bent over backwards to get along with her family. She should do the same.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I'm with you on this part of the problem. And I stated that in my earlier posts.
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife is the one who caused the big family rift (and still is). Marriage is not about making a spouse choose between family and his/her partner. You shouldn't have to choose one over the other; ideally you should get to have both. Your wife's overreaction basically created a "wild fire". I'm with you on this one; it's hard to defend someone who is in the "wrong". After all, you have bent over backwards to get along with her family. She should do the same.


Thank you. It's good to hear that once in a while.


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

1) You guys consider marriage counciling AND individual counciling?? Seriously sounds like a must do!

2) Get the book: Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Amazon.com if you can't find it in the local bookstore) YOU MUST GET IT!

3) Stop the triangle affect. I learned about it both in marriage counciling and in individual therapy: Your in laws say something to you about your wife, she asks what is going or you just tell her what they said and she gets pist and either yells at them or tells you to tell them stuff. Vice versea! Its a horrible cycle to get into and it can destroy marriages! If the fam got a prob tell them to talk to your wife! And if she got a prob tell her to talk to them. Sometimes you will have to step in but hey the middle man never gets the good deal...and when both parties turn on the middle guy its horrible!

4) Tell your family to stop meddling in your marriage. Get your gonads back from them! They are destroying your feelings with their trash talking! And your wife needs to Shut up about this apology ****. Sorry but you know what forgive and move on. I never liked my in laws and yes I railed and ranted about **** they did but at the end of the day...she didn't freakin marry them! XD Its not like she put a ring on their finger so you know **** happens. She just needs to get over herself!

5) If grandmother or whoever w/e liked your first ex wife it doesn't matter. Really it doesn't. She can't handle you not being with the first chick then well whatever grandmother! Go make some pie or something and stop lamenting to you about the chick! Just saying if she is doing that. I'd tell her kindly to stop talking about the ex otherwise you won't stop by anymore! Oh and if your able to I'd excuse yourself from her presence like walking out the door if she continues to discuss ex when you do not wish to discuss it.

6) Grow a backbone! You got balls use them darling! After my experience I wouldn't let no man push me around why you let some chick push you around?? Yes, you love her and what not but love is not about being someone's butt monkey! Its about being equal as you can and working together as a unit. If she's not doing that then y'all need a serious conversation about this!

7) Look into Domestic Abuse because it sounds like she is emotionally abusing you. 

8) I highly recommend you read this: Emotional Blackmail

9) Divorce sucks, going through one myself check my post on my ex you'll be going O.O, but trust me its a hella lot better than being stuck with someone who is sucking you dry literally of your happy feelings and vital energy in life. If you are not happy and she won't work with you then I'd say CYA here's the divorce papers! I think I remember there being a book on amazon called "Dealing with Emotional Vampires" sounds like she might be one!

Do what is best for you not her! >_<!!!! Ask yourself this what do I want to have happen? Am I happy? Do the increments of 5 test: ...5 weeks from now? 5 months from now...? 5 years from now?? Will it matter or will it still be a major issue. Do I want to stay in a bad relationship that is destroying my happiness? 

10) Marriage and any relationship takes communication, understanding and compromise the only thing is if there is too much compromise. Don't be anybody's door mat! Be strong! I am an ex-Navy wife who has endured just 4 years of hell literally with an emotionally abusive control freak. Only reason we are divorcing is because he found some new chick he wants to mess with (heh discovered this lovely information through emails he was sending sigh). He asked for divorce but now I consider myself lucky as hell! I did everything for that man and it was never good enough! No need to stick around with some poor being who doesn't respect you!

Oh and as for that religious nonsense that I just happened to glance over. Are you in America?? Its called freedom of religion. I am Christian but I would never force anyone to be that. I believe in freedom of choice. Sounds like the fam is hypocrytites. Have they really read the bible...somewhere in there I remember it saying something about its a CHOICE/OPTION! 

Slavery ended how many years ago?? lol

No, you shouldn't have to give up your family for her but then again if your only taking their side then shame on you! When you marry you leave your family and join with your wife! Still she needs to really get over herself and stop stirring the pot as well!

Remember that Triangle thing! Its very helpful to really think about consequences of your words before you defend either party! Or speak!

Sounds like you need a water bottle...spritz either party that starts up talking too much. I use it on my cat when she yowls at night sometimes. Just her butt...but hey it works. Okay maybe don't do that but hey just imagine that in your head...hopefully that makes you snort or at least crack a smile!

By the way when's the last time you did something just for you? Like go play at an arcade? Or go test drive a fancy car...or hang out with the guys...or even just get a nice meal for yourself? You should schedule a "Me-time"! Just for you! I think that would give you a chance to treat yourself! Its very good for the self-esteem!

Life is too short to live life unhappy D: There is enough pain in this world without both parties creating a drama fest for you!

You sound like a smart guy who is just dealing with too much on his plate and needs to work on the strong core inside himself! So that's just my opinion/advice. Hope it helps and if you need anything let me know. 

Respectfully!

Moonshadegold, ex navy wife of four years!


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Well, after some long talks with some of the other people in my life, I've decided to just end it. I don't want to suffer any more...if I continue on the way I've been, I'll be worn down to nothing in another 10 years. I can't do it.

I can't imagine that my wife will change...not enough to matter. Counseling or not.

Now I just have to figure out how to do this...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hope everything goes smoothly for you.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Well, I'm going to go lay the groundwork...lay some money aside, arrange for a place to stay and all that...over the next couple of months, and then pull the trigger in the fall. I called my mom to give her a heads up...she was ecstatic about it. So was my grandmother. Kinda funny.


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