# How the Hell Does a Stay at Home Dad Deal with this Crap?



## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Ten years ago I became a stay at home dad for my two boys. A few hours ago (after several weeks of agonizing DIY surveillance) I came to the conclusion that my wife is having an affair. Even if by some miracle it hasn't become physical, she has lied to me about so many things that I feel like I can't trust her at all anymore. I pretty much gave up any hope of a career a decade ago when we made the decision that she would make the money, and I would do everything else, so my options are limited. My boys love living in our neighborhood, and they love their schools, so my priority is keeping them right here. I've put my neurotic heart and soul into this crumbling, old house and see no way out for myself. So, would I be a jerk if I just left for a few days? I didn't realize until now how tied I was to the house and kids. I'm tired. Any advice is appreciated.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The first thing that you need to do is gather rock solid evidence and confront your wife about it.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Hi Dan. Sorry, I forgot to mention that I did confront my wife about it, I'm just not thinking too clearly. I have evidence (not "rock solid", but enough) and asked her questions, and she lied to me every step of the way.


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## sound1 (Dec 3, 2009)

Goodnight my stomach turns when I read these situations an I have been through it as well maybe at some point I'll post the whole thing, were 2.5 years back together...still dam tuff at times. Expect you thoughts to be all over the board an moments of insanity to take place as it will feel. I sit here rt now checking text message records fearing the most again I feel ill an am starting to shake I can't do all this over again myself I have three kids to get up an get ready........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

Hi,
First of all, keep your calm. I know it's difficult, but don't rush into anything. It took you a long time to get a certain level of proof that she is going outside the marriage, now take that same time to plan your next steps.

Second, she will deny till the very end...and then some more. You need rock solid proof or she will not admit it. Also, think about what a deal breaker is for you? Is EA a deal breaker or does it have to be PA? Once you have proof that she really is in an affair (not sure what conclusion means for you) decide on your next steps. 

Look up "the 180", it's on here, not sure where right now, sorry. Read the Man Up and Nice Guy threads. Think about seeing a therapist by yourself. It can help big time. Plus, come back here for help, lot's of info and in the least you can vent and get some other point of views here.

I would recommend not to leave the house or kids, kick her to the curb. I hate to bring the "possession is 9/10 of the law", but seriously, don't abandon your kids and house, you could pay for it in the end. Make her leave/stay at a hotel, so you can have space and time to think. Maybe involve someone that can help you with the kids, so you can have time to think.

Maybe keep in mind, if you stayed at home the past 10 years, she owes you support $$$, so you won't be helpless and lost if you decide to divorce. Which gets me to, GET A LAWYER!!! They will take the "guessing" out of the game.

Good Luck, you'll get through it. It will get really ugly before it gets better, but it will get better eventually!


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

Maybe I should say, I don't want to push for divorce, just clear your thoughts and see what is possible for you and then see what she is willing to do.

Obviously she will have to admit the EA/PA first before you can go to anything else.

Good Luck!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What evidence. How did she lie out of it? Where did you get the evidence?


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

1. Change your focus! its never to late and you have alot of options. 
2. You have the reverse in the marriage? She will owe you an alimony for the years you sacrificed. If done right, you will get the kids (boys) house and a chance to go back to school and start things new for yourself. 
3. Talk to an attorney, weigh all your options before acting, but stop making limitations on yourself because of the boys? Your no good to them if your weak! 
4. Putting myself in your position, especially after she lied to me in my face!!!, I think I would spend the day on the beach soul searching and crying my ass off to get it out my system. Then come to the resolve my marriage is over with or extremely unrepairable!, gather my emotions, plan on bettering my financial situation..ie looking or a job etc any! really. Take my boys to the local library and read up on all the laws in the state I live in about divorce rights if I can't afford an attorney. 
5. Seek out close friends that I can confided into and count on! 
6. Tell my parents (if living) I need their assistance. 
7. No matter how bad things get, never result to violence. 
8. Make good use of my day to day time. 

*Her behavior is disresptfull and hurtful yet if she has been in the role of making the money for more than 5-7 years, she might look down on you or its easy for someone outside the marriage to seduce her with lies. ( Like most men do until they have the responsibility) All of this means two things, she is involved due to a lie! or she has an error in heart! and enter into this false crape! with both eyes open. Find out which one! If its the later, run like hell. Prepare yourself financailly and mentally to remove yourself from her. .. No matter how difficult, I would say see a counselor blah blah blah, but really? not knowing your age, there are alot!!! of single women, single moms that would hook up with you in a minute! and will appreciate all you have to offer, stop giving the rest of the best years of your life to a sucking blackhole of unthankfullness. 

Maybe, once your gone, she will snap the hell out of it, but you have to be gone or in the appearance! of doing so, for her to WAKE UP!. 

All is not Hopeless, It just looks that way until you stop starring at it and begin to focus on more positive options.:smthumbup:


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

Turner9 said:


> 1. Change your focus! its never to late and you have alot of options.
> 2. You have the reverse in the marriage? She will owe you an alimony for the years you sacrificed. If done right, you will get the kids (boys) house and a chance to go back to school and start things new for yourself.
> 3. Talk to an attorney, weigh all your options before acting, but stop making limitations on yourself because of the boys? Your no good to them if your weak!
> 4. Putting myself in your position, especially after she lied to me in my face!!!, I think I would spend the day on the beach soul searching and crying my ass off to get it out my system. Then come to the resolve my marriage is over with or extremely unrepairable!, gather my emotions, plan on bettering my financial situation..ie looking or a job etc any! really. Take my boys to the local library and read up on all the laws in the state I live in about divorce rights if I can't afford an attorney.
> ...



:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have to decide what you want to do.

First, you could accept your wife's lies and her cuckolding you.

Second, you could divorce her.

Third, you could try to end her affair and repair your marriage.

Choices one and two require nothing from your wife. You simply need to decide what you want and go with that. The third choice is the tough one because it requires you influencing your wife to change her behavior.

If you choose #3, then you need to be willing to back it up with an ultimatum. If she doesn't change her behavior, you divorce her. You have to be willing to do this. Yes, it will irreparably harm your children. But that's not your fault. It's your wife's fault for betraying your marriage. And letting your boys see their dad cuckolded will also harm them. So if your wife won't end her affair, your boys will be harmed.

Assuming you choose either #2 or #3, you need to talk to a lawyer without informing your wife. It may be beneficial for you to have certain things in place before you serve your wife with divorce papers. Also, know that divorces are pretty easy to call off. Your wife may resist changing her behavior until you are well down the path to divorce. But you can call off the divorce whenever she changes.

Read up on the 180 because you may need to use it.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

Continue to gather evidence that you can consider rock solid. Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. Put a keylogger on her computer. If she has a smartphone, put spyware on the phone that can forward you all her texts and even allow you to listen in on phone calls and possibly track her location via GPS.

Also, expect her to lie. Some wayward wives have lied when found in bed with another man. It's what they do. They will deny until they are forced to admit the truth.

Good luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the OM is married then you need to expose to his spouse as soon as possible. Do not enable this affair by allowing it to continue. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

Btw, GeoffV, keep us posted on how things go. Lot's of valuable advice here!!!


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

Keep gathering evidence, try to get as concrete of evidence as you can. use a VAR in her car, put a keylogger on her computer, on her cell phone. You need to know the truth.

and see an attorney immediately. You feel helpless and/or trapped because you are the one staying at home with the kids while she is working. An attorney will tell you all your rights and what your options are and what you can expect if you wind up in a divorce. Knowing that kind of information will help you because you will then know the reality and not have to guess.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You have to decide what you want to do.
> 
> First, you could accept your wife's lies and her cuckolding you.
> 
> ...


If it is an EA, it is possible to intervene and stop it IF you caught it early enough.

Let me guess this is a workplace affair. If not who is she having this affair with?

How did you discover the affair. What evidence do you have?

Yes, you need to see a lawyer ASAP. You should not leave the home. 

Option #1 makes me ill to think about, but I wish to point out that option #1 may only be temporary, meaning that the affair will continue and you may be selected for divorce anyway.

Plus is it not time even if the marriage were ideal for you to be working again?

Whta type of work did you give up?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I see your old thread from last year. She likes drinking and parties and "her" friends.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...d-prefer-if-i-remained-addict.html#post215055

So from a social life you tried to stop drinking and smoking and she like to party. So this is another thing separating you. One wonders from this if she is not out in bars with friends and you don't go with her.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Thank you everybody. I'll try to answer all of your questions. I forgot to mention that I posted here last November (see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...y-wife-would-prefer-if-i-remained-addict.html). I have remained sober, my wife has not changed her behavior. In fact, she goes out more than ever (she apparently met this other guy at one of those music festivals). I had thought that maybe she would follow my "good example". Boy, do I feel like an idiot now.

As far as evidence goes: About a month ago I noticed how possessive she was with her iphone, it never left her sight, she kept it password protected and would put it down quickly when I walked into the room. According to the bill she was texting back and forth to a particular number sometimes over 100x a day. I did manage to gain access to the phone but she had deleted every message except for two, one in which she was gushing over what a wonderful man he was, calling him darling, and how she wanted to help him through some tough time or another. The fact that I had been going through my own tough time (unrelated to this mess) with no support from my wife made this message all the more hurtful. In the other message this guy sent my wife an excerpt from "Astrology for Lovers" regarding his and her astrological signs. You can imagine what I might have missed in the other 500 messages that I didn't get the chance to read. I told her that I didn't like this relationship and to stop it. She told me she would, but didn't. I tried installing spyware, but it just kept crashing her phone, so last Friday I installed one of those GPS tracking devices in her car. Sure enough, yesterday she left work an hour and a half early and went to this guy's workplace (he owns the business) for an hour and 15 minutes. She called me as she was leaving his business and told me that she was just leaving work. When she got home I trapped her in so many lies about where she had been that it was almost funny (you have to find humor where you can). She, of course, denies having an affair (I'm thinking of talking to this guy myself). I don't really care at this point if it was emotional or physical because of the amount of deception and lack of support I have endured--my wife has made it very clear where her priorities lie. I could go on, but that's the gist of it.

I actually have been undergoing treatment for severe anxiety for several months now, but my wife absolutely, positively will not go see the councilor with me.

I really feel like I need to get away for a few days--my wife has been on several trips herself over the last year and I've barely left the house. I'm also hoping that forcing my wife to have to deal with the house and family banality that I put up with on a daily basis will enlighten her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*You need to see a Lawyer* more than you need to get away.

You do need to decide how you are going to get a job and re-establish a career.

Needless to say your life's choices have put you in a very bad position. 

Yes, she is absolutely having an affair and it sounds like it has likely gone physical already or will soon. 

What travel has she been doing?

I think it is great to clean up your act and not drinking. BUT, drinking or not if you have not been going out with your wife and you have left her to be on her own in a single way to meet up with other men like it sounds like, you messed up big time. You do not have to drink alcohol to go out with your wife. I know you would prefer her to not drink. Perhaps though you have isolated yourself from this part of her life and she has moved on without you. 

You need to get checked for STDs.

The OM sounds more Alpha in that he owns his own business. 

Whose idea was it for you to stay at home with your kids? Was this something your wife really wanted or something you pushed to do? 

She is attracted to this OM. He is exciting. She needs someone who is exciting and does not just stay home. I am not saying she is doing right by you. But to keep a marriage together requires a love life together. If it is not passionate then the other spouse is vulnerable to an affair. It sounds like now that the kids are older she is more interested in something other than Mr. Mom. Not saying this to be cruel. I am saying that in any event you cannot just go back to this role. You have to work on yourself.


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Thank you everybody. ....
> 
> I really feel like I need to get away for a few days--my wife has been on several trips herself over the last year and *I've barely left the house.* I'm also hoping that forcing my wife to have to deal with the house and family banality that I put up with on a daily basis will enlighten her.


Do you have any friends (guy friends) that you can talk to and that can help you a little? I have not read your other post, so I apologize if you mentioned it there.

Emotional support besides this forum is key. As mentioned before, talk to your family (also as way of protecting yourself from her possible false accusations towards your family).

Do something against the question marks in this story. Talk to a lawyer, keep going to counseling, work out, take care of yourself and again, talk to a lawyer!!!

Good Luck and keep us posted so we can help!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Does your wife sync her iphone? If so, you may be able to retrieve the text messages from the backup directory.

Find the MobileSync/Backup/ subdirectory.

Take a look at this post for the files to look for: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-has-stalled-worried-help-63.html#post406651

more here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-has-stalled-worried-help-63.html#post406712


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree, go talk to a lawyer. This isn't your fault. You've sobered up, saught counseling and made some very positive changes in your life. So, you have to keep remindind yourself that this isn't your fault. I wouldn't confront the OM. Why? What for? He certainly does give a damn about your marriage, he damn sure isn't gonna care about you. 

Plus, if you contact this guy now, the only thing you're going to do is drive the affair further underground. They're going to hide it better. And you need to get proof. You're just going to make it harder than you thing. And the other poster is right, if she sync'd her phone up to the computer, you may be able to read those texts. Read that thread another poster provided for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she syncs the phone you might be able to get all the texts from a file on the PC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

I guess I'm going to reconnect with some old friends, and I agree that I need to work on myself right now (I have an appointment with my councilor in half an hour, in fact). Still not sure about talking to a lawyer though. I'm actually still willing to work on this marriage, but some things are going to have to be very, very different from now on. If she can't handle the changes, I am prepared to say goodbye. She does sync her phone, but I haven't been able to find any of the suggested files or folders. She has been very good about deleting messages.

Believe me, I know that the other guy couldn't care less about me, despite what a wonderful man my wife thinks he is. I'm just really, really curious about what he will tell me. Besides, it might be fun to demand he get tested for STDs and send me the results.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> She does sync her phone, but I haven't been able to find any of the suggested files or folders. She has been very good about deleting messages.


Does she sync her phone to a Mac or a PC?

Do a global search for the file: "3d0d7e5fb2ce288813306e4d4636395e047a3d28" (without the quotation marks)

When you find it, copy it somewhere safe (for example, a USB drive, a flash drive).

Then have another copy on your PC to work on. I think TextPad (do a google for this) will allow you to view the file. You'll have to sort thru the file to find the messages.


Also get a copy of this file: 31bb7ba8914766d4ba40d6dfb6113c8b614be442


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Still not sure about talking to a lawyer though. I'm actually still willing to work on this marriage, but some things are going to have to be very, very different from now on.


Going to a lawyer is not about getting a divorce right now. It is about protecting you and understanding your rights. You are in a tough situation and need guidance on how to proceed (such as whether leaving the house will hurt your ability to keep custody). Getting that guidance helps you set up a plan with the best chance of working. You can consult a lawyer without filing for divorce.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> I guess I'm going to reconnect with some old friends, and I agree that I need to work on myself right now (I have an appointment with my councilor in half an hour, in fact). Still not sure about talking to a lawyer though. I'm actually still willing to work on this marriage, but some things are going to have to be very, very different from now on. If she can't handle the changes, I am prepared to say goodbye. She does sync her phone, but I haven't been able to find any of the suggested files or folders. She has been very good about deleting messages.
> 
> Believe me, I know that the other guy couldn't care less about me, despite what a wonderful man my wife thinks he is. I'm just really, really curious about what he will tell me. Besides, it might be fun to demand he get tested for STDs and send me the results.


The lawyer is so you know what legal rights you have. It is not just to follow through with a divorce. You need to know what you can and cannot do as well. If for example you leave the home, you could be charged with abandonment. You need to know your legal situation. Too often to keep a spouse you have to be willing to lose them. It is not inuitive. If you are overly passive and forgiving and submissive you drive your wife further away. Sghe will not be attracted tot this. She will be more attracted to a dominant man who is decisive and firm. Takes what is his.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Going to a lawyer is not about getting a divorce right now. It is about protecting you and understanding your rights. You are in a tough situation and need guidance on how to proceed (such as whether leaving the house will hurt your ability to keep custody). Getting that guidance helps you set up a plan with the best chance of working. You can consult a lawyer without filing for divorce.


Totally agree with Average Guy, just because you talked to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to do anything. You're just checking your options.

And do do that global search, with over 100 texts a day. Something has got to be there.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think you should take a few days off and get out of town. Have some fun, if possible. I don't recommend moving out of the house because that could be detrimental in a future custody hearing.

And you should see a lawyer. Reforming your wife is about using a carrot and a stick. The lawyer is the stick. You can't woo her back with a carrot. She has to think you're ready to whack her with the stick before she can rationalize to herself that your carrot may not be so bad.

Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geoff,
The kids need a sane father. To preserve your sanity:

1. You need to see a lawyer so that you understand your options. You don't need to mention the lawyer to your W, but you do need to see one. 
2. You need to start going to the gym if you aren't already. Strength training is every bit as important and cardio.
3. Seeing a counselor is good.
4. Start doing some career planning. This will take time and effort, start now. 
5. Get a book that will help you understand why being Mr. Nice guy kills desire and causes divorces. "Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay is excellent. He GETS women. Most of his stuff is not obvious until you read it. 
6. Do NOT talk to your W about your feelings. Do NOT do it. It will only hurt you. You may demand she end the affair if you wish but ONLY do that if you are willing to accept a divorce. If not, then start executing the steps above including reading that book and beginning to put that stuff into practice. 

Being visibly angry with her will hurt you. Being calm AND firm and determined will help you. 

One last thing - showing fear, anger or sadness INCREASES the chance this ends in divorce. Showing calm, resolve and having a plan that includes a generous financial settlement DECREASES the chances of divorce. 



GeoffV said:


> I guess I'm going to reconnect with some old friends, and I agree that I need to work on myself right now (I have an appointment with my councilor in half an hour, in fact). Still not sure about talking to a lawyer though. I'm actually still willing to work on this marriage, but some things are going to have to be very, very different from now on. If she can't handle the changes, I am prepared to say goodbye. She does sync her phone, but I haven't been able to find any of the suggested files or folders. She has been very good about deleting messages.
> 
> Believe me, I know that the other guy couldn't care less about me, despite what a wonderful man my wife thinks he is. I'm just really, really curious about what he will tell me. Besides, it might be fun to demand he get tested for STDs and send me the results.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Geoff,
> The kids need a sane father. To preserve your sanity:
> 
> 1. You need to see a lawyer so that you understand your options. You don't need to mention the lawyer to your W, but you do need to see one.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Doesn't appear to me that the affair has anything to do with this any longer. You know what you need to know. And while you may be willing, you are not able to 'work' on the marriage on your own. You can only work on yourself.

While I was not a sahd, I did work at home when I found out. I would have given anything to interrupt the thoughts I had for the first couple of months. I wish I'd had people, anyone, around during the lonely days. It is so easy to over-think the whole situation and it does you no good. It intensifies the pain. The obsessive hunting for evidence did me much more harm than good. But for a while I had to get my 'fix'. It was an addiction born out of weakness and pain.

After wallowing in pity for a month or so, I talked to a lawyer. I started writing a lot on a divorce forum. Putting my feelings and experiences into words was therapeutic. Reading other people's experiences helped me a great deal, too. I started working out at the gym. I defined my boundaries and the repercussions of crossing them. I went to see a counselor with the goal of finding the strength to see our marriage end. I really needed to reestablish, in my own mind, who I was and how I ended up in that broken relationship. I also let go of the belief that I could fix our relationship or that my wife's multiple affairs were about me. I could not fix it on my own, and they were not about me. Giving up that kind of false control and replacing it with the knowledge that I control myself--and only myself--gave me strength. I also acknowledged the pain. These were all things I had to do on my own. 

Turns out, that's what I needed to do. We're now a little over a year into reconciliation. By working on myself, and accepting that I was going to have to start over, things turned around. My wife changed her behavior because I changed myself. We still go to counseling, marriage counseling for us and she sees an individual therapist. We still work very hard at opening up to one another. It is not easy for either of us. But, we both realize that if we don't actively work on ourselves and on improving our relationship, then we'll be right back on the brink. And I am still willing to step over the brink because I know I will survive it. And she knows it. 

Your life has changed. There's no going back. You don't really control that. You do get to decide how to go forward. More than likely you'll have to go forward on your own, with your kids in a shared parenting situation. Thousands of people do this. You can, too.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Thank you all so much--I can't answer all of your questions but I have read each of your posts several times and you've given me a lot to think about. Here is an update:

My GPS told me that "Alice", once again, left work an hour and a half early, but today she went to the bar district that she frequents. I called and told her that if she had been drinking to just stay where she was for the night. She immediately went on the defensive, accusing me of spying on her (to her credit, she sounded completely sober, and I was). I calmly told her that I had no idea where she was and what she was doing and to not come home if she had been drinking. She then broke down and told me that her friend (who, a week ago, acted like a complete lunatic when I told her that I wanted my wife at home, rather than "supporting" her when she was expecting her ex-boyfriend to come pick up his stuff) convinced her that she needs counceling. This blew me away (I didn't show it), since my wife has violently objected to counceling in the past. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it's a start.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Thank you all so much--I can't answer all of your questions but I have read each of your posts several times and you've given me a lot to think about. Here is an update:
> 
> My GPS told me that "Alice", once again, left work an hour and a half early, but today she went to the bar district that she frequents. I called and told her that if she had been drinking to just stay where she was for the night. She immediately went on the defensive, accusing me of spying on her (to her credit, she sounded completely sober, and I was). I calmly told her that I had no idea where she was and what she was doing and to not come home if she had been drinking. She then broke down and told me that her friend (who, a week ago, acted like a complete lunatic when I told her that I wanted my wife at home, rather than "supporting" her when she was expecting her ex-boyfriend to come pick up his stuff) convinced her that she needs counceling. This blew me away (I didn't show it), since my wife has violently objected to counceling in the past. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it's a start.


Ummm. Not sure why you would tell your wife not to come home if she was drinking. Bad move sir. Now I agree she should not drive and drink. But she should take a taxi or better yet have you come pick her up.

No way would you want a woman to go out drinking and then not come home. That is enabling an affair.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummm. Not sure why you would tell your wife not to come home if she was drinking. Bad move sir. Now I agree she should not drive and drink. But she should take a taxi or better yet have you come pick her up.
> 
> No way would you want a woman to go out drinking and then not come home. That is enabling an affair.


Sounds more like he has had a belly full and was telling her to kiss his a$$. I hope so. Time for wife to have a reality check.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummm. Not sure why you would tell your wife not to come home if she was drinking. Bad move sir. Now I agree she should not drive and drink. But she should take a taxi or better yet have you come pick her up.
> 
> No way would you want a woman to go out drinking and then not come home. That is enabling an affair.


At this point, I would rather "enable" her affair than her drinking problem. Why should I waste any more of my time by being her on-call chauffeur? If she's going to drink, she's going to drink.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> At this point, *I would rather "enable" her affair than her drinking problem.* Why should I waste any more of my time by being her on-call chauffeur? If she's going to drink, she's going to drink.


Right and telling her to stay out all night is going to have her drink longer and end up in bed somewhere other than home. Maybe you are hoping she will see this as a challenge and get her home without drinking.

I can see you being fed up. But this is why you are being encouraged to see a Lawyer. 

Hey, please do man up and get upset by her actions. She is lying to you, drinking and cheating on you. I would be over the top too. I would not only tell her to stay out but I would change the locks. That said I am not as vulnerable at the moment.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Sounds more like he has had a belly full and was telling her to kiss his a$$. I hope so. Time for wife to have a reality check.


Thank you, chapparal. I also don't want to have to deal with a drunk woman in the house, or thousands of dollars in legal fees.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Right and telling her to stay out all night is going to have her drink longer and end up in bed somewhere other than home. Maybe you are hoping she will see this as a challenge and get her home without drinking.
> 
> I can see you being fed up. But this is why you are being encouraged to see a Lawyer.
> 
> Hey, please do man up and get upset by her actions. She is lying to you, drinking and cheating on you. I would be over the top too. I would not only tell her to stay out but I would change the locks. That said I am not as vulnerable at the moment.


Thanks for the insight. I had no idea that she was lying, drinking and cheating. As for getting upset, I'm well past that now, and, if you've been paying attention to this thread, getting upset is something that does not come recommended in this situation. Whether or not you are more vulnerable than I is questionable. If you are really interested in helping me, please refrain from commenting as I am no longer interested in what you would do if in my situation.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

It might not be fair....but a woman won't respect a SAHD, and......affair.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Locard said:


> It might not be fair....but a woman won't respect a SAHD, and......affair.


Are you speaking as a woman, a SAHD, or someone else?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear about all this man. Has she admitted to cheating yet?


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

joe kidd said:


> Sorry to hear about all this man. Has she admitted to cheating yet?


Hi joe kidd. No, she hasn't come right out and said it, but the fact that she agreed with her friend that she needs counseling tells me that she has (my wife HATES shrinks).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Thanks for the insight. I had no idea that she was lying, drinking and cheating. As for getting upset, I'm well past that now, and, if you've been paying attention to this thread, getting upset is something that does not come recommended in this situation. Whether or not you are more vulnerable than I is questionable. If you are really interested in helping me, please refrain from commenting as I am no longer interested in what you would do if in my situation.


No problem dude. I was showing you sincere empathy, but I will just watch from afar. I was referring to the fact that I am in a financial situation that would allow me to be more independent. Perhaps you are independently wealthy and do not need an income. Sorry you are sensitive about that but we all make our choices in life. I support your right to make your own life's decisions, but I think a SAHD is way more vulnerable in society as it stands today than a SAHM. Not saying that is the way it should be.

Sometimes in order to help folks we have to figure out where they are really coming from. No need to lash out at me. 

I wish you the best of luck. There are some very good people on this forum. You have been given some great advice. Hope you take some of it for your children's sake.

*** Update: I think I was taken aback about this response. Offended? I would just say, that this is not about me. What matters is that people are helped by someone on the forum. Some people connect better with some folks than others. That is fine.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Hi joe kidd. No, she hasn't come right out and said it, but the fact that she agreed with her friend that she needs counseling tells me that she has (my wife HATES shrinks).


Hope it works out. Coming clean about her affair will be the only way to move forward IMO.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

joe kidd said:


> Hope it works out. Coming clean about her affair will be the only way to move forward IMO.


Thanks, joe, you are exactly right. Despite all the talk about lawyers and "manning up", I could forgive her if she would just admit to it. She really is a caring, wonderful woman, just a lousy wife. We'll see.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> She really is a caring, wonderful woman, just a lousy wife.


:wtf:


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

morituri said:


> :wtf:


:lol::sleeping:


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Geoffv

I wonder if you really need an advice or you just want people to tell what you want to hear. Entroppy was giving you good advice and seemed to be offended. Nothing will be better for your marriage if

1. You keep on be mr nice and boring, acting weak and emotional
2. You wont take a lead and reverse the role you have at the moment (her be the man, go to work, hangout, take charge and you stay home do what wives usually do in a real world)
3.Not get a job (unless you are wealthy)
4. Make firm boundaries to your wife

IF THOSE 4 WONT CHANGE YOU WILL KEEP ON BEING CHEATED, AND IF YOU WILL DEVORCE THE NEXT WIFE WILL DO THE SAME

If number 3 you are wealthy, then go get a hobby that will make you spend a day away from the house and let the kids go to daycare


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> She really is a caring, wonderful woman, just a lousy wife. We'll see.


And this is exactly why you need to protect yourself. She is not looking out for you (or your children). She is looking out for herself. When you start to set boundaries, she is very likely to lash out and threaten you. Without understanding what your rights are, you will likely believe her and cave in. You will be miserable with no way out that you can see. 

I want to be as clear as I can be:

I am not suggesting that you divorce your wife tomorrow. I am suggesting that you consult a lawyer to determine your rights so that you can set up a plan with knowledge and confidence about where you stand. You work for the best but prepare for the worst, especially in a situation like this.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> And this is exactly why you need to protect yourself. She is not looking out for you (or your children). She is looking out for herself. When you start to set boundaries, she is very likely to lash out and threaten you. Without understanding what your rights are, you will likely believe her and cave in. You will be miserable with no way out that you can see.
> 
> I want to be as clear as I can be:
> 
> I am not suggesting that you divorce your wife tomorrow. I am suggesting that you consult a lawyer to determine your rights so that you can set up a plan with knowledge and confidence about where you stand. You work for the best but prepare for the worst, especially in a situation like this.


Thank you, Tall Average Guy. I do understand what you are saying, and will speak to a lawyer. Despite how I may have come across in my last few posts, I am not making any excuses for my wife's behavior or taking this lying down. Aside from a comment that I found presumptuous and unhelpful, I have taken everyone's advice to heart, and do appreciate the time everyone has taken to help.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> Geoffv
> 
> I wonder if you really need an advice or you just want people to tell what you want to hear. Entroppy was giving you good advice and seemed to be offended. Nothing will be better for your marriage if
> 
> ...


I'm not sure why you think I'm weak and emotional, or how you could possibly know enough about me to claim that I'm merely doing "what wives do", but I agree that I need to get out of the house more, and admit that I have been in a rut lately. In my defense, though, we live in a historic house and a lot of my time is taken up by maintenance and repair. The way we saw it, it made more sense for me to do the work myself rather than work full-time and pay someone else to do it, on top of child-care expenses. I've gained plumbing, electrical, carpentry and other skills that have saved us a lot of money over the years. I've also taken the occasional odd-job and make a little money from my hobbies. But, yes, as someone who identifies himself as a SAHD , I have allowed myself to become isolated (thanks, in part, to the way SAHDs are prejudged by some people) and too tied to this house. This whole thing has been a huge wake-up call.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Thank you, chapparal. I also don't want to have to deal with a drunk woman in the house, or thousands of dollars in legal fees.


She's not "a drunk woman," she's your wife.

Let me make sure I have this right: You had GPS on your wife's car, so you could locate it to within at least 30 feet, or perhaps 3 feet, depending, and you had reason to believe she had been drinking and was being hit on by another guy. So you told her to stay put for the night? That doesn't sound very protective, to say the least. I'm truly baffled. I wonder how your wife would have responded if you had just shown up and offered to drive her home.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Scottt said:


> She's not "a drunk woman," she's your wife.
> 
> Let me make sure I have this right: You had GPS on your wife's car, so you could locate it to within at least 30 feet, or perhaps 3 feet, depending, and you had reason to believe she had been drinking and was being hit on by another guy. So you told her to stay put for the night? That doesn't sound very protective, to say the least. I'm truly baffled. I wonder how your wife would have responded if you had just shown up and offered to drive her home.



She's a wife having an affair.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> Geoffv
> 
> I wonder if you really need an advice or you just want people to tell what you want to hear. Entroppy was giving you good advice and seemed to be offended. Nothing will be better for your marriage if
> 
> ...


WTH? What in the world is wrong with a man being a SAHD and how does that make it HIS fault that SHE cheated? His profession has nothing to do with why she cheated. That was her choice pure and simple. A person who cheats makes a clear choice. They don't mull around telling themselves that they won't step out of their marriage because of their spouses profession.
Ridiculous. 
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do see a lawyer at least to see what your options are.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Scottt said:


> She's not "a drunk woman," she's your wife.
> 
> Let me make sure I have this right: You had GPS on your wife's car, so you could locate it to within at least 30 feet, or perhaps 3 feet, depending, and you had reason to believe she had been drinking and was being hit on by another guy. So you told her to stay put for the night? That doesn't sound very protective, to say the least. I'm truly baffled. I wonder how your wife would have responded if you had just shown up and offered to drive her home.


If I had just shown up? By the time I drove to where the GPS said she was she could have driven somewhere else, or had been driven somewhere else. There are several bars in the neighborhood she might have gone to. Am I supposed to leave my kids, drive for an hour and hope I run into my wife? And FYI, GPS isn't an exact science.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> WTH? What in the world is wrong with a man being a SAHD and how does that make it HIS fault that SHE cheated? His profession has nothing to do with why she cheated. That was her choice pure and simple. A person who cheats makes a clear choice. They don't mull around telling themselves that they won't step out of their marriage because of their spouses profession.
> Ridiculous.
> OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do see a lawyer at least to see what your options are.


Thank you for understanding, I am sick of people judging me for not assuming a "manly" role. I have made an appointment to see a lawyer.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Update: I told my wife the marriage was over if she didn't:

stop drinking

stop all contact with her affair

come home right after work

start seeing a counselor 


She accused me of "threatening her". That's when I demanded she start seeing a counselor.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Update: I told my wife the marriage was over if she didn't:
> 
> stop drinking
> 
> ...


Well man , stand your ground. Best of luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

GeoffV said:


> Thank you for understanding, I am sick of people judging me for not assuming a "manly" role. I have made an appointment to see a lawyer.


The same people who say you aren't being manly wax on and on here about how there aren't enough good role models in this world for boys. I can't think of a better role model than a father who nurtures his sons. Cannot. 

I am happy to hear you drew your line in the sand. Stand firm on that, do not back down!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Update: I told my wife the marriage was over if she didn't:
> 
> stop drinking
> 
> ...



Stay strong and good luck.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> WTH? What in the world is wrong with a man being a SAHD and how does that make it HIS fault that SHE cheated? His profession has nothing to do with why she cheated. That was her choice pure and simple. A person who cheats makes a clear choice. They don't mull around telling themselves that they won't step out of their marriage because of their spouses profession.
> Ridiculous.
> OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do see a lawyer at least to see what your options are.


 you look like you are one of those 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

GeoffV said:


> Update: I told my wife the marriage was over if she didn't:
> 
> stop drinking
> 
> ...


Let her know she is free to leave if it's too much for her. These are your conditions and if she doesn't like them then tell her to lawyer up.

She thinks she is in power so she will try to intimidate/manipulate you so you will back down. 

I'd also make it obvious you are job hunting to show you are preparing yourself for independence if it comes to that.


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## GeoffV (Nov 30, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes, joe kidd, chapparal and ArmyofJuan, thank you for your support. I'm anticipating a great deal of intimidation and manipulation in the near future but I am determined. The gaps in my work history don't help, but I have a few ideas on how to start making myself some more money, and a couple of friends who would probably offer me some work, at least part-time. I'm also going to take the suggestion that I join a gym. Thanks again, everyone.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

GeoffV said:


> Therealbrighteyes, joe kidd, chapparal and ArmyofJuan, thank you for your support. I'm anticipating a great deal of intimidation and manipulation in the near future but I am determined. The gaps in my work history don't help, but I have a few ideas on how to start making myself some more money, and a couple of friends who would probably offer me some work, at least part-time. I'm also going to take the suggestion that I join a gym. Thanks again, everyone.


man u should ask ur lawyer first I think being SAHD give u right in alimony and child support if u decided to D while even part time job may destroy ur case 

I'm not sure but u should ask first


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> you look like you are one of those
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One of what? Awesome and amazing, you bet. You're quite perceptive.

Geoff sounds pretty cool too.


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