# In doubt



## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

I've been married for 12 years. before I get to my/our problem I want to stress that I love my husband very much, but I am not happy. I find it hard to say but I feel incredibly alone in my marriage. He is not supportive of me and never seems to care about anything I do. Emotionally he is not there for me. It's been like this for a while. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't understand. He tells me that's just how he is, but I guess I'm at the point where I don't know if I continue to be in a relationship where I feel alone. I have tried to talk to him about this so much that now he shuts down and a conversation turns into an arguement. counseling is not an option, I don't know what to do I feel trapped. He says he loves me, but it's hard to accept this when he is so emotionally detached. Over the years, I feel I have become depressed and insecure because of this. I've always thought and tried to explain to him if you love soemone and yousee they are hurtung you will try to listen to what bothers them, but he is unresponsive to this. He's not a jerk, he wprks hard and we can be together and have fun. It's just hard when I need the emotional aspect of a relationship, he can't give it to me. Any advice you can give will be helpful, 
thanks


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Linda said:


> I've been married for 12 years. before I get to my/our problem I want to stress that I love my husband very much, but I am not happy. I find it hard to say but I feel incredibly alone in my marriage. He is not supportive of me and never seems to care about anything I do. Emotionally he is not there for me. It's been like this for a while. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't understand. He tells me that's just how he is, but I guess I'm at the point where I don't know if I continue to be in a relationship where I feel alone. I have tried to talk to him about this so much that now he shuts down and a conversation turns into an arguement. counseling is not an option, I don't know what to do I feel trapped. He says he loves me, but it's hard to accept this when he is so emotionally detached. Over the years, I feel I have become depressed and insecure because of this. I've always thought and tried to explain to him if you love soemone and yousee they are hurtung you will try to listen to what bothers them, but he is unresponsive to this. He's not a jerk, he wprks hard and we can be together and have fun. It's just hard when I need the emotional aspect of a relationship, he can't give it to me. Any advice you can give will be helpful,
> thanks



Why did you marry him?


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

I married him because I love him and I felt he challenged me and made me happy. I liked that he made me think about things I wouldn't have thought about. i liked that he was strong. by strong I mean mentally (that sounded weird, I had to clarify)


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Do you have any girl friends that can help with the emotional needs? help encourage you and let your husband fill you in other ways??


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

yea, I do talk to my friends frequently, they know how he is so they are empathetic. I know I can go to my friends if I need to but it's not the same. I want to be able to go to my husband and talk and be listened to, when I say this it sounds stupid. because it's so simple. why doesn't he get it?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

He wouldn't happen to be an engineer, would he? LOL

Some people are that way. An engineer I dated was exactly like that, and it seems to be a known characteristic among engineers. After being uncaring, unsupportive, emotionally unavailable, and expending considerable effort into making me unhappy, he had the nerve to tell me "I might have a funny way of showing it, but I really do love you." To which I replied, "Take your hands off me." Your guy might not be invested in your *un*happiness, but he simply cannot get to you and you cannot reach him. Unfortunately, all I can do is point out how often we choose our mates for x number of reasons (or no reason at all in some cases), we often just don't choose wisely. Or, as it seems in your case, you didn't consider he was emotionally unavailable and that you would need that. You thought you could live without it because there was so much more about him that you liked. You didn't give us any examples, so I can't gauge how bad it is. I take your word for how it makes you feel, but I have to say I think you know your choices. Either stay with him for all his attributes, or leave him because what he lacks makes you feel unhappy and unloved. My personal philosophy is I can be sad all by myself, and I can be alone.....alone.

It sounds like you are well on your way to being a walk-away-wife. I have to tell you I would very much resent his response to my pleas being "That's just the way I am." It's like a deliberate flipoff. A like-it-or-leave-it kind of thing, much like "I might have a funny way of showing it".......and all that jazz. He does not understand and doesn't want to understand that you need more from him. Like I said, you didn't give us any examples, but I don't know how hard it is to show your wife you care about her. It's just the way he is not to show he cares. You're just supposed to take it for granted. Assume it is so. Whatever.

If you leave him, he will be extremely shocked and totally unaware there was any problem, just like my engineer. "Why are you leaving?" But I was too threw with him to bother answering the question. You have been more than 12 years, but I refused to take it and was gone in less than 3 months. I knew not to marry Unhappiness.

Maybe someone will respond with a suggestion for a book for him to read. So far I have not heard of any books that teach a husband to care about his wife. No doubt there are some out there but if counseling is not an option, I don't know that he will read a book. BTW, why is counseling not an option. I think it would really help you.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Make friends. Your husband can;t be what he is not and no husband can be everything to their wife, just as their wife can;t be everything to them, in most cases.

There was a book about this and I wish I could remember. Maybe it was, "What Husbands Wished Their Wives Knew About Men?" 

Actually, it's "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women." I read it quite some time ago when my children were very young. It gives perspective.

Best,

Lyn


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

Thanks for the advice and the suggestions for books to read. I dobt he will read any of them since he can't acknowledge there is a problem. We are playing the silent game right now. I'm not bringing anything up and he is avoiding having anytype of conversation. the last thing i told him was i felt like we were roommates. I'm very sad but he just doesn't see, how it hurts me. I know I'm not perfect, I have my own faults, but all I'm asking is for attention, i astounded he doesn't get or maybe he doesn't care. I think e are both just tired of fighting. He says I'm always upset and never happy, maybe he's right.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Is there anything you two can start doing together?? Like a hobby or somethng?? The H and I go to the gym together, and it gives us something completely relaxing to talk about. Sometimes you have to start with small things and slowly work up to talking about major things.


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

that's a good idea, I think we can do this thanks DawnD


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I sincerely hope it helps. Something small that you both enjoy. I had the same issues with my H not being at all emotionally available to me. So we started small. Talk about the gym. Work on talking about the kids. Build up to talking about sex. Then started talking about what we needed from each other outside of the bedroom. Kinda worked for us, but I also realize that everyone is different.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Why did you marry him?


Many issues don't become apparent until years into the marriage. I can certainly sympathize with that.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Dawn's ideas are good ones, Linda. Also, the book I was telling you about is actually for women.

Best, 
lyn


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

All these women marrying men they don't like. Please stop.


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

cody5 said:


> All these women marrying men they don't like. Please stop.


cody5 really? it's not that I (or any other woman having the same issue) do not like our husbands, like anything human relationships have flaws. we are trying to work our way through it. one more thing if you do not have anything constructive to say stay off my posts, I asked for advice not sarcastic remarks about my marriage. I do not need it and I'm sure the other people you make inappropriate remarks need either.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Is there anything you two could connect on when you were first dating??? Any type of conversation starters, etc??


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## moonstars (Jun 11, 2010)

Have you heard of a book called "The Five Love Languages"?
It addresses the exact issue you stated here.
The book says that we all feel and want love in different ways, and when we are attentive to our partner's 'love language', the dynamics in your relationship often changes for the better.
You don't need your partner to read the book... you can do your part and he may be forced to change.
Before you consider leaving, I highly recommend reading this book.


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## Sallie (Oct 30, 2009)

cody5 said:


> All these women marrying men they don't like. Please stop.


cody - you really should consider keeping your overly simplistic comments to yourself...... they aren't helpful. You sound as if you are very young and have no idea of life's complexities....


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Great. I've got sally and linda with their 9 posts between them telling me I don't understand life.

Sorry to be simplistic, but here it is. My wife married me when she didn't love me. Read through some posts. See how many women marry men they don't love. MANY never loved their husbands in the beginning. Regardless of whether they never loved them or fell out of love later, I'm STILL waiting for a concrete example of where a women suddenly saw that the man that has repulsed her for the past 10 years suddenly becames her Prince Charming. 

No, this is not just my experience, but the experiences I've read from many members of this and other sites. Here's the real world gals: If a man repulses you one day, and the day after, and all the days, years, DECADES after that. She keeps getting reaffirmed of her negative feelings for you, day after day. So she's coming back because you buy her flowers and clean up the kitchen one day? 

No. You will always be that lazy slob/emotional abuser/l(insert what repulses you about him here) bastard she's learned to hate all this time. 180 days of being the perfect man goes away after one slip into your old/boring/abusive personality

But I digress. You want simplistic? Here it goes then:

The two of you just need to find out what you deeply love about each other. Start doing that. Go to a movie. It'll be hard, but it will get better if you work at it.

Good luck with that. Personally I'm putting my emotional energies elsewhere.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Cody makes some interesting points. 

Lately, we've been talking about other marriages we see, including my husband's previous marriage. It so often turns out that ppl get married because they don't see any reason _*not*_ to, as did one of my closest friends. In that case, the repulsion began on the honeymoon and lasted 9 years. SO many of us don;t know what we are looking for or even at when we are younger.

Lyn


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

Thanks for the book suggestions, I love to read so I will look into them. I want to stress, I don't hate my husband, really I don't. I like him and still love him. He's never repulsed me and I still feel like I want to be married to him. Are there things that annoy me about him, yes. Can he irritate me, yes. Does he do things that drive me crazy, YES! But I have and can look past these "flaws" What I orginally wrote (his emotional detachment) I am having problems getting past. It's more than a minor character flaw, and involves a large aspect of our lives. I know I have contributed to our problem I can be forceful. But I do not think it is a bad thing to want the attention and the emotional support from the person you love. Am I crazy here?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

No, you are not crazy for wanting your marriage to be better and it is wonderful that you see your part in his "clamming up," for lack of a better term. This happened in my previous marriage and we were in counselling for it. The doctor explained to me that by being forceful, I was not respecting my husband the way I expected him to respect me, so, definitely, changing tactics, even an apology, if you haven;t, already, can't hurt.

If it were me, I would tell him that I know I have not been fair to him in the way I have attempted to communicate with him and that I'd like to learn a new way of doing things. Be affirming and make sure he knows the things you do appreciate about him so he doesn't just dismiss you as a malcontent. 

Be kind and loving and it ought to turn around.

Best,

Lyn


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## louie_a_lopez (Jun 12, 2010)

I am sorry to hear about your relationship... i am an engineer, a firefighter in the NAVY and i have the mentally somewhat that your husband has, unfortunately... i thought that counseling was stupid, reading self help books where dumb, i been married for 10 years and with my wife for 12, she resently seperated from me, hopefully meaning that she needs space... now i feel like such an idiot... i regret taking her for granted, not really listening, and not giving her my full trust... now i go to counseling, been researching how to improve my marriage and hopefully win her back... i am not giving up on her and us, i remember why i fell in love with her, but it is sad that i can't tell her in person now, hope your husband does not make the same mistakes...best of luck, and marriage counseling is a great tool and the book 5 languages of love...


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## moonstars (Jun 11, 2010)

Hugs to you Linda, I've felt very much the same and I can totally relate to what you're saying about wanting attention and emotional support.

This book might help you along with '5 love languages';

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
by Dr. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny

It's been an eye opener for me and I wish I read it when I was still with my husband, but now that we're separated it's too late for me.

Since you're still together I think you have a good chance of forming a good connection with him if you can implement this idea ...
even just knowing why we women feel the way we do and men too, it made me feel a lot better and somehow wiser.
No you're not crazy, it's in fact so common that they write books about it!
I really hope it'll turn around for the better for you Linda.


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## Linda (Jun 10, 2010)

Ok, I ordered and received the 5 languages of love, I am reading it now. I've left it around the house hoping my husband picks it up. I don't kmow if he has, he probably wouldn't admit it LOL! I'm trying to be patient, but it's difficult. not much has changed I feel I'm working hard, but he is still oblivious. I'm hoping he begins to realize something is amiss. Thanks to everyone and their thoughtful responses, they were very helpful


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