# What do people fight about?



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I can honestly say I've never fought in a relationship, ever. 

Even when I was married, I always watched my temper when it came to dealing with my ex husband, and only once did we have even one blow out that resembled a fight (he said F you to me, and I lowered my voice to barely audible and told him not to talk to me like that. I MAY have dropped an F bomb in there somewhere). Once, in seven years. I don't like confrontations, but is it healthy to not fight with your partner? I have voiced unhappiness or displeasure in my current relationship, but even now after a year, we've never had anything like a fight. 

Now that's not to say I don't get angry or I've never gotten irritated with my S/O, I just don't know how to fight, what things normal people fight over and how to fight without it becoming personal attacks. I've got a very nasty attitude a good majority of the time, and maybe that is why I watch my tongue, I don't want to say something I do not mean, hurt my partners feelings or be flat out awful.

My sex life is good, finances are fine (neither one of us spend money on big things and our bills are paid and children are taken care of) we've been over coming some obsticles, which I think our relationship is a lot better for (at least, I hope they are). So what's left to fight over?

Am I like completely abnormal? Should we argue more? Is it unhealthy for a relationship not to have some fights in it? :scratchhead:


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I can honestly say I've never fought in a relationship, ever.
> 
> Even when I was married, I always watched my temper when it came to dealing with my ex husband, and only once did we have even one blow out that resembled a fight (he said F you to me, and I lowered my voice to barely audible and told him not to talk to me like that. I MAY have dropped an F bomb in there somewhere). Once, in seven years. I don't like confrontations, but is it healthy to not fight with your partner? I have voiced unhappiness or displeasure in my current relationship, but even now after a year, we've never had anything like a fight.
> 
> ...




In my learned experience, I'd have to say: (1) *Money*~either not enough or the purported misallocation of those funds. (2) *Power*~trust me: it may well come to that if one has sole control of the social agenda for the two of you. (3) *Kids*~ who spoils them worse, who looks after them more, et. al. (4)*Communication*~a classic one; "he said-she said."


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Personally I think we should argue about your lack of arguing! 

Seriously though it does depend on the people involved as to how much (if at all) a couple will argue.

My personal belief is that couples that never argue are more than likely sweeping things under the rug. Sometimes people can get away with doing that for life, though often times that's coupled with resentment over time.

Things left unsaid that are important, eventually will come out. The longer it takes for them to come out, the more violently it affects the relationship.

I look at it like a volcano. If it erupts a little at a time then things are kept under control. Otherwise you can end up with a Mt. St. Helens in the marriage, where things appear to be fine until they explode and destroy almost everything.

You are either a couple that communicates so well and agrees so easily on things that nothing ever comes to a head, or you sweeping things under the rug and those issues will pull some version of a Mt St Helens on you.

Only the two of you can answer that. Just make sure you are being 100% honest with each other about everything. That you are really sharing all your thoughts, hopes and dreams for the marriage and life.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Money. Definitely. Money is the root of most of our arguments. Not necessarily often getting to yelling angry "fights".


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> In my learned experience, I'd have to say: (1) *Money*~either not enough or the purported misallocation of those funds. (2) *Power*~trust me: it may well come to that (3) *Kids*~ who spoils them worse, who looks after them more, et. al.


Hm, yeah kids, my kids act up a lot and it has been a problem. I've given my S/O the power to talk to them firmly if needed, send them to their rooms, take things away from them, ground them. The only thing that is mine alone is spanking, if needed which isn't often.

What do you mean by power? I'm all for him being head of household, and having the final say in things.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

We don't argue much these days...we did alot more when we were youngsters and less agreeable and mellow. I think our communication has, in general, improved that we can sort most issues without them becoming a big issue!

In the past year or so the only real arguement was over lies/money/secrets H was keeping. It was a major big deal and could have gone very badly. But we kept talking and listening.

I'm always suspicious of people who say they NEVER argue... to me conflict and anger are normal healthy states. If you never argue I believe you must bend and flex more than your spouse. Which if it works for you is ok I guess!

You seem fine about it.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Money. Definitely. Money is the root of most of our arguments. Not necessarily often getting to yelling angry "fights".


In our marriage it's about sex, and to a lesser extent time management. The issues are are varied as the number of couples out there.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Do you know... the biggest thing we have argued about? Lack of communication! Funny, right? But it's true. Yes, we argue about money, kids, family (extended, mostly), friends... but most of the arguments have centered around lack of communication.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think people who don't argue at all either have great communication skills and/or are so in touch with each other or, more likely in my opinion, there's some conflict avoidance tendencies in one or both. An argument doesn't have to be something you see on the Bad Girls Club show on cable television nor does it have to involve "F" bombs or profanity. I think in a healthy relationship there is inevitably some arguments. My husband and I have heated disagreements a few times a year. We don't swear at each other and there's no personal attacks. We're both very conscious of now using "I" statements. "When you do this....I feel xxxxx". It's very self-help bookish I know, but talking that way in an argument keeps things focused on the issue. We also don't drag old arguments that we've resolved. Not keeping score is a big thing for us now. 

I see the "we don't argue" type in my family. Some of them are major conflict avoiders. They'd rather go along than really voice what they think. Of course not every thought is worth voicing and one must pick one's battles, but there are times where I know a particular relative is suppressing something so as not to rock the boat. 

People tend to argue about (in no particular order) sex, money (saving v. spending), child rearing, domestic responsibilities/who does what/how often.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

waiwera said:


> We don't argue much these days...we did alot more when we were youngsters and less agreeable and mellow. I think our communication has, in general, improved that we can sort most issues without them becoming a big issue!
> 
> In the past year or so the only real arguement was over lies/money/secrets H was keeping. It was a major big deal and could have gone very badly. But we kept talking and listening.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about, are we sweeping stuff under the rug when it comes to things we disagree with? It takes a lot to really piss me off to the point where I actually WANT to argue with someone. I used to get bent out of shape over political or religious debates and I would try to debate with my ex husband and he told me flat out I needed to join a debate team or a debate forum, he wasn't interested in debating with me.

With my S/O, I don't want to argue with him, if I have an issue I will address it with him. We've had communication issues a few times where neither one of us was talking and we internalized it and it festered into something that could of been avoided by simply talking it out and compromising. 

Or it could be that I really am a wuss when it comes to arguing, that I roll over and take whatever comes my way. Like if I fought back, maybe he would tire of me and think I wasn't worth being with. But I think that has a lot to do with my self esteem.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Do you know... the biggest thing we have argued about? Lack of communication! Funny, right? But it's true. Yes, we argue about money, kids, family (extended, mostly), friends... but most of the arguments have centered around lack of communication.


Yes! Communication is the one thing that has caused us some distress a few times. It is indeed funny now that I think about it!


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

The first three years with my ex we barely had an argument.

We started fighting around the time things started going down hill (without me knowing about any of it.) Most of our fights were about lifestyles, responsibility, and general adult like and non adult like behavior.

What it really was, was the ex wanting to go back to the lifestyle he had BEFORE we were together, and doing so while I wasn't looking. all of the secrecy coming to a head is what ended us.

before, we never fought about money, goals, housework, any of it. We always talked our issues out. Looking back, I guess only one of us was really talking.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Yes! Communication is the one thing that has caused us some distress a few times. It is indeed funny now that I think about it!


LOL But I have learned that make up sex after an argument is a lot of fun! That doesn't mean I start arguments just to have sex tho!


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> .
> 
> What do you mean by power? I'm all for him being head of household, and having the final say in things.


See this would provoke an argument in my household! :rofl:

I don't think my husband should have the final say in things. What special qualifications does he (my husband) have that I don't? Anyway I don't think my husband would want to have the final say in things that are important to as a couple and to our family.

Your mileage of course varies...


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> The first three years with my ex we barely had an argument.
> 
> We started fighting around the time things started going down hill (without me knowing about any of it.) Most of our fights were about lifestyles, responsibility, and general adult like and non adult like behavior.
> 
> ...


That sucks. Secrecy is awful and so is not talking to your partner. I can't stand it when someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, but won't leave. Like they're doing you some favor by sticking around when it would be better to just go. I told my oldest sons father that I had to leave because he was out doing his thing (with other women) and wasn't helping me raise the child he begged me for, that I was going to find someone else, because he was certainly replaceable.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> See this would provoke an argument in my household! :rofl:
> 
> I don't think my husband should have the final say in things. What special qualifications does he (my husband) have that I don't? Anyway I don't think my husband would want to have the final say in things that are important to as a couple and to our family.
> 
> Your mileage of course varies...


Hehe! I don't think my S/O really wants final say either. I just hate making decisions for everyone  When we go to move later this year, I do want him to have the final say in what house we pick out (not saying I don't want to have a say in it) but since his commute to work is important and so is the school systems, he knows the area that we're planning on moving too. I just want the house to have a kitchen, enough bedrooms and a fenced in backyard. And it'd be cool if the kids could ride the bus to school, how I hate driving and dropping kids off in busy school parking lots!


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> That sucks. Secrecy is awful and so is not talking to your partner. I can't stand it when someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, but won't leave. Like they're doing you some favor by sticking around when it would be better to just go. I told my oldest sons father that I had to leave because he was out doing his thing (with other women) and wasn't helping me raise the child he begged me for, that I was going to find someone else, because he was certainly replaceable.


Most of his secrecy related to drug usage, drinking, and forsaking a productive life. He has always been his own worst enemy and refuses to allow himself to have success. :\

so he faked it for me, and then lead a double life for a while..and it just didn't end up so well.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
You are either a couple that communicates so well and agrees so easily on things that nothing ever comes to a head, or you sweeping things under the rug and those issues will pull some version of a Mt St Helens on you.*

7 years together... and we don't argue or fight... ever. We both had high maintenance exes, who were a pleasure to divorce. (About 24 years each). Soooooooooo.... we took a while to get to know each other. We TALKED.... and talked and talked. 

And we still do. We consider each other in our actions, we trust each other in their actions, finances are good...and if or when there is money issues we talk about it and figure out what to do. We support each other in a mature fashion, we encourage each other...we take care of each other. We don't fight about each other's kids... we help them equally when they need it, we encourage them to be adults. We totally agree on sex...and couldn't fight about it if we wanted to! 

There really IS nothing to fight about here. We appreciate this, we KNOW this is a good thing...And it is freakin HEAVEN!

*Edited to add:
Just thinking about this... I THINK we just both had crappy spouses before, unappreciative grouchy selfish people.... so now we LOVE what we have! Music too loud? No problem, then I can sing louder! Bites his nails? I don't care...he's grown. Stays out with the guys without calling? He's grown, and he shares everything when he gets home. See? There are things that might have been a problem in a different life, that just are not anything to fight about. So I think having had crappy uncaring spouses paved the way...and we DO appreciate each other and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.


----------



## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

It used to always be about money, with me being a saver and my wife thinking that the whole point of money is to get rid of it as soon as possible. Anymore it's about her EA and constant putdowns of me as a result of my discovery of it, and my insecure need to constantly remind her of what she did. So hopefully we'll get strong enough to where we can go back to fighting about money all the time again.


----------



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

We've only fought over really stupid stuff. My H is very level-headed and the only times he's not is if we've both been drinking excessively. This maybe happens once a year. 
One time is was over a baseball player's steroid use
Another time over movie tickets...not who bought them but who got to hold onto them...so lame. 

We do talk a lot, but not enough about serious issues...we are currently in R, so we'll see where our next fights lead


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I can honestly say I've never fought in a relationship, ever.
> 
> Even when I was married, I always watched my temper when it came to dealing with my ex husband, and only once did we have even one blow out that resembled a fight (he said F you to me, and I lowered my voice to barely audible and told him not to talk to me like that. I MAY have dropped an F bomb in there somewhere). Once, in seven years. I don't like confrontations, but is it healthy to not fight with your partner? I have voiced unhappiness or displeasure in my current relationship, but even now after a year, we've never had anything like a fight.
> 
> ...


I think I had 3 or 4 times in my marriage where we argued prior to d-day. Then it was on, all day and night.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We are both leo's, both debaters, both are talkers. We have a lot to say, and appearently have a short amount of time to sat it. 

We have a lot of lost in translation and misunderstandings. We have to communicate important things like shrinks. 

We try not to fight about money or kids. Sometimes the bills. Sometimes food (what do you want to eat...I don't know, what do want...whatever you want...no no whatever you want)

Bringing up resentments and old arguements can spark it all a new. We squabble sometimes like siblings sometimes like an old married couple. 

We do have real knock down drag outs..they can last months..then we finally talk and cuss and have silent days b!tchy days...

Then comes the explanation and psyco babble the feelings talks. Then real sex and real make up...til the next episode.


----------



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

It's too bad my wife does not take a page out of your book ScaredandUnsure, because she looooves to argue and I can safely say _starts_ most of our arguements and yes a lot of times it's over something I did - or didn't do. And I have one of thee worst tempers around buuuuuut ONLY when I am confronted constantly where there's yelling involved, otherwise I try and avoid confrontations as much as possible even though my wife loves them sometimes(it's counter-productive in my opinion).


----------



## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

We don't fight. As soon as there is tension or conflict, I cave or go silent.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP the Buddha approach clearly didn't work since he's your EX.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Couples fight about all sorts of things, and some of the stuff seems pretty silly - to me, at least. But what is important to one couple isn't a hot button item for another.

I don't think it's what the fight is about as much as the way in which the couple fights. Name-calling, swearing, dropping f-bombs, slamming doors .... a big NO as far as I'm concerned.

I was married to a man who avoided arguments, discussions, disagreements, and anger. The tragedy was, he couldn't drink away the anger or shove it down. It eventually came out unexpectedly and in some pretty strange ways.

JMO, but I think many couples' arguments boil down to I'm-right-you're-wrong; in other words, control.


----------

