# Does this sound right?



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

When my husband and I first met, neither one of us wanted more kids since his oldest was 10 and mine was 13. But as luck would have it, the bc didn't quite work and we had a son. From the very beginning he has refused to pay for anything involving his son, I paid for the hospital bill after he was born which was over $1500. We got married when our son was almost 2, and because that's what he wanted, we kept separate individual accounts. Our son is now 7, and I can count on one hand how many of his expenses he's paid for. I went to school for the last 3 years, while still working full time, and now my student loans are coming due soon. He still refuses to pay any of his son's expenses, although he did compromise and agree to pay his portion of the phone bill. As things are right now, he pays for the house payment, the car insurance, and his car payment. I pay for everything else, plus all our son's expenses. I finally said something about it, and instead of agreeing to help with our son's expenses, he said he would pay for his phone bill. I was very hurt by this, I didn't make our son alone and I don't get why I have to pay for him alone. Am I wrong or should I be upset?


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## AllIn (Aug 7, 2013)

This is almost too crazy to even believe. I find it atrocious that your husband refuses to financial care for his own son...that he LIVES WITH. I can't believe you have tolerated this for so long. It begs the question, is he is a good and loving father? Do they have a good relationship? Does your son feel loved by his father? To me, at this point, that seems the more concerning issue. Clearly, your husband's view on his financial responsibility to his son (and you) is hugely distorted, warped, WRONG. If you and he were not together, he would HAVE to pay child support. I just don't get it. He needs to step up to the plate and do his part STAT. Plus he owes you and his son an apology for being a complete deadbeat for so many years!!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

No it doesn't sound right, but you left some stuff out. The expenses in my household are paid according to ability. I have two sons (one in college at 25K per year). I make 3x what my wife makes and I pay 3x. However our fiances are not really separated and we share what is left after the bills. We are a family.

What percentage of the bills do you pay?

What percentage of the income do you bring in?

Does your husband blame you for getting pregnant?

Does your husband show affection to your son?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

We make close to the same amount of money, he makes a little more because he can work overtime, but it only adds up to a few thousand more annually. I would have to say I pay about 60-70% of the bills. I do most of the care of our son, but if given explicit instructions he can usually manage to take care of him if necessary. Once in awhile he will spend time with and and do things with him without being asked, but not too often. I don't know if he resents that I got pregnant, at the time he said it was alright and he was very excited to finally have a son. He may regret it now, but he hasn't expressed that in words anyway.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Yeah he's out of line. He should be paying his fair share.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

A 7 yr old has a phone bill?



mace17;3544217I said:


> don't know if he resents that I got pregnant.. but he hasn't expressed that in words anyway.


He doesn't need words. Actions speak louder.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I do not understand couples that keep separate accounts. 

If you're married... you should be all in..


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

hambone said:


> I do not understand couples that keep separate accounts.
> 
> If you're married... you should be all in..


His ex wife didn't work but liked to spend his money, so he's afraid I'd do the same thing. Oh and no the 7 year old doesn't have a phone bill, I meant H's part of the phone bill.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

mace17 said:


> His ex wife didn't work but liked to spend his money, so he's afraid I'd do the same thing. Oh and no the 7 year old doesn't have a phone bill, I meant H's part of the phone bill.


My ex wife did a LOT of stuff that peeved me off to now end..

But, I got over it...

He needs to trust you until you mess up... Until you demonstrate that you can't handle money... He needs to trust you.

Are you doing OK with your money now? If so... what's his problem?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I guess I'm doing ok with my money, he thinks that because I am always broke before payday that I must just blow all my money and to him that reinforces the idea that I couldn't be trusted with his money too. What he doesn't realize is that I pay a larger share of the bills than he does and that's why I am always out of money. Plus I am the one who pays for all of our son's other expenses, like school lunch, field trips, school fees, clothes, etc. And our pets are also my responsibility including vet bills, medicine, and food.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I guess I'm doing ok with my money, he thinks that because I am always broke before payday that I must just blow all my money and to him that reinforces the idea that I couldn't be trusted with his money too. What he doesn't realize is that I pay a larger share of the bills than he does and that's why I am always out of money. Plus I am the one who pays for all of our son's other expenses, like school lunch, field trips, school fees, clothes, etc. And our pets are also my responsibility including vet bills, medicine, and food.


I think you need to get your facts and figures together, sit down with him.. go over the numbers and ask him how he thinks your doing...

He needs to step up and give you the trust you deserve. Now, if you mess up... Maybe you need to keep a portion of your money for youself and let him pay ALL the bills!


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I did try that once, I wrote down all the bills each of us pays on paper and showed it to him. He looked at it and said wow I guess you do pay more stuff than I do and that's as far as it ever went.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not "His" money.

It's money for HIS son.

Stop paying for things.....maybe only buy groceries for you and the kiddo. Only do your laundry and the kiddo's. Only cook for you and your son.

I dunno. I'm in a mood. That's probably bad advice, but it would make me feel better knowin I'm doing it alone anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mace17 said:


> When my husband and I first met, neither one of us wanted more kids since his oldest was 10 and mine was 13. But as luck would have it, the bc didn't quite work and we had a son. From the very beginning he has refused to pay for anything involving his son, I paid for the hospital bill after he was born which was over $1500. We got married when our son was almost 2, and because that's what he wanted, we kept separate individual accounts. Our son is now 7, and I can count on one hand how many of his expenses he's paid for. I went to school for the last 3 years, while still working full time, and now my student loans are coming due soon. He still refuses to pay any of his son's expenses, although he did compromise and agree to pay his portion of the phone bill. As things are right now, he pays for the house payment, the car insurance, and his car payment. I pay for everything else, plus all our son's expenses. I finally said something about it, and instead of agreeing to help with our son's expenses, he said he would pay for his phone bill. I was very hurt by this, I didn't make our son alone and I don't get why I have to pay for him alone. Am I wrong or should I be upset?


I don’t get why you put up with this at all and even married him. Not being mean, just trying to let you know that you have been way to accommodating.

Just the fact that he refuses to take part in raising your son is horrible. What a horrid way to hurt your son. Did he want you to terminate the pregnancy and you refused? What’s the basis of him mistreating your son this way?

Is he going to help to pay your student loans? Did your income increase based on this new education you obtained?

On the surface it sounds like your husband is selfish, mean spirited man. But more detail is needed.
What % of joint income do each of you bring in? What % of all bills (including your son’s bills) do each of you pay?

The way this should work is that say you make 60% of the income and he makes 40% and your expenses are $1000 a month. So you put $600 in a joint account and he puts $400 in a joint account.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

The way it works is we each make about the same and I pay around $1500 in bills each month and he pays around $1000. That does not include any extra school expenses for our son. Plus my student loans will be close to $700 a month, so that will really tap me out. But if I ever do get him to help I have to hear about it forever, and that's so not worth it. And if I just don't pay stuff it will go on my credit record too, especially since most bills are in my name.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then maybe you need to stop giving in when he throws a hissy fit. You've taught him how to manipulate you.

C


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> Then maybe you need to stop giving in when he throws a hissy fit. You've taught him how to manipulate you.
> 
> C


I have been trying to build up my credit for a long time and I'm finally getting there, so yes I do give in and sometimes I even pay his credit card or other bills if necessary, but in a marital property state it makes a difference. The sad thing is he has really bad credit, so the house is all in my name, as well as both cars. So technically they are my responsibility legally, and most of the other bills are too. I don't want to enable him, but I also don't want creditors and collection agencies after me.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

This could be some issue he has with the pregnancy if he's thinking you "got" pregnant. Which is impossible. Women become pregnant after men or AI make them pregnant. It's a men's member which shoots the sperm in.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> You've come up with a dozen reasons why our suggestions won't work.
> 
> Your husband has a sweet deal going so why would he do anything differently?
> 
> ...


I really am not sure what to do about it, I have been cutting back on things like I canceled the movie channels on tv and switched to a cheaper package. I'm thinking about getting rid of the internet, and I did get him to pay for his share of the phone bill. I will just keep on going and do what I have to do, it just hurts that he would rather pay the phone bill than any of his son's expenses. And that's all I would really like him to help with, it would help financially and it would make me feel less like a single mom.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

... and why did you marry this a$$hole?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I finally figured it out in my other thread....at the time I had a teenage daughter and they hated each other so I felt that she would be safe around him (she had been molested by my ex). At the time it seemed like a lack of interest in kids was a good thing, didn't realize it would be financial too and extend to his own child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mace17 said:


> I finally figured it out in my other thread....at the time I had a teenage daughter and they hated each other so I felt that she would be safe around him (she had been molested by my ex). At the time it seemed like a lack of interest in kids was a good thing, didn't realize it would be financial too and extend to his own child.


Huh? That's an odd answer. I would have expect you to say that you loved him and you thought he loved you through his actions.

But you married him after you had you son and after he made you pay the hospital bill. So you married him knowing that he was going put push financial obligations on you.

Your husband is abusing your son ... emotional abuse at the least. You should not be allowing your son to be emotionally abused.

If you file for divorce your husband would have to pay child support.

You can lower your bills by getting rid of the TV package all together. Get just local channels and use Netflix… about $9 a month. Did you say that your child has a cell phone? Why does he need one? Keep slashing your bills.

To be honest, your husband has pushed you into a position where you have to file for divorce to survive. You need him to contribute financially towards you son. The only way you can get him to do it is to get a court to order it. Once you file you have no obligation towards your husband’s bills.

Remember that we teach people how to treat up. You have taught your husband that it’s ok for him to mistreat you. So now you will need to change the lesson you are giving him.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I sometimes think I don't know what love is anymore. I know it's not a good enough reason to marry someone though, so I had to have more reasons than that. Of course I loved him, but I don't trust my judgement on that kind of thing anymore.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Ok I think we have reached an understanding. I didn't include groceries in the bills when I added them up, and he does buy most of the groceries so that evens it out a lot. So I guess it is pretty fair, it feels like I pay for more but apparently not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But we all know that's not the real issue, is it?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> But we all know that's not the real issue, is it?


I guess if we are each contributing equal amounts to household bills, then it's all good and it really doesn't matter who pays what.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're willing to ignore the other problems. Is this the kind of husband/father you expected when you got together?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Not really, but all I really know is dysfunctional relationships and this is the least dysfunctional I've had.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Isn't that kind of setting yourself up for failure? There are tons of books out there, there is therapy, there are things you can do to have a better life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mace17 said:


> Not really, but all I really know is dysfunctional relationships and this is the least dysfunctional I've had.


Oh, so that makes it ok?? What a sh!tty thing to do, for a father to NOT take care of his own child that LIVES in the home with him! Why are you subjecting your son to someone who doesnt give two sh!ts about him?? Stop allowing this! You should divorce this selfish excuse of a man, and then he will be FORCED to pay you child support HA HA HA!


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh, so that makes it ok?? What a sh!tty thing to do, for a father to NOT take care of his own child that LIVES in the home with him! Why are you subjecting your son to someone who doesnt give two sh!ts about him?? Stop allowing this! You should divorce this selfish excuse of a man, and then he will be FORCED to pay you child support HA HA HA!


No it doesn't make it ok, I know I need to change it but that was a response to the person who asked if that was what I expected. I would actually be farther ahead financially if I divorced him and got child support, but my son does not understand that and likes having daddy around. I don't know what will happen in the future, I'm just going one day at a time and trying to do the best I can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I tried to do that. Spent 35 years with a man who was slowly grinding me into the ground through the Love Busters, just as yours is doing. Three prescriptions for antidepressants, and a couple near-misses on ending life later, I can say that my DD22 would have MUCH rather I had left him 2 decades ago. Not only to save ME what I went through, but to save HER from growing up in such a dysfunctional family, where her dad affected her self esteem and she watched her mom slip into - and stay - in depression.

That's what you're headed for if you don't change something - either in the marriage or out of it.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> I tried to do that. Spent 35 years with a man who was slowly grinding me into the ground through the Love Busters, just as yours is doing. Three prescriptions for antidepressants, and a couple near-misses on ending life later, I can say that my DD22 would have MUCH rather I had left him 2 decades ago. Not only to save ME what I went through, but to save HER from growing up in such a dysfunctional family, where her dad affected her self esteem and she watched her mom slip into - and stay - in depression.
> 
> That's what you're headed for if you don't change something - either in the marriage or out of it.


I hear you, I left my first husband because I saw what he was doing to our daughter and I was starting to be like him and I didn't like it. I do worry about how it will affect my son, he is already suffering from anxiety and expects way too much of himself, and sometimes I wonder if it's because his dad doesn't pay much attention to him. All stuff I have to figure out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's 100% because his dad doesn't want him - and he knows it. Boys get their personality from their dads - your son doesn't know who he is. And doesn't feel wanted.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I guess I'm doing ok with my money, he thinks that because I am always broke before payday that I must just blow all my money and to him that reinforces the idea that I couldn't be trusted with his money too. What he doesn't realize is that I pay a larger share of the bills than he does and that's why I am always out of money. Plus I am the one who pays for all of our son's other expenses, like school lunch, field trips, school fees, clothes, etc. And our pets are also my responsibility including vet bills, medicine, and food.



SO PAINT him a picture

kinda as if you were in small claims court/judge Judy

Lay out ALL of the bills...then put the amounts per month the bills are
THen YOU do the math add it up before you approach him

Then when you - do you have a good chart of exactly what ALL the bills are ...both cars, all cell phones, each and every utility, insurance payments for health, car, home, life EVERYTHING ..INCLUDING your Student Loans......then show yourself how much YOU are paying and How much He is paying.....

BLACK AND WHITE on paper best way to show

and FYI if you were to default or choose economic/income based loan repayment for your student loan they are going to include your HOUSEHOLD (that means both of you) ANNUAL income in determining the repayment plan/amounts. Whether HE likes it or You like it or NOT that is how the Govt/Dept of Ed does things period.
I say this because sounds like he has no intentions of helping but his income WILL be used in determining your pay back for the student loans.

Now if the greedy H refuses to change/refuses to pay for his half of the FAMILIAL bills...well then you already know your financial situation.... and what to do or how to go about figuring out your future.

You can also go onto your states Dept of Family & Children...they have child support calculator and you can see how much he WOULD be paying to you in Child Support. 

Arm yourself with FACTS and be ready to back them up.

Of course it's WRONG what he is doing.....but gotta blame yourself a little for not putting your foot down earlier.

Additional option are to get a JOINT bank account where you both put in same amount every week/month and from it ALL bills are paid.

Still keeping your own personal bank accounts...and make sure your own personal account is NOT at the same bank as the joint account......banks CAN and WILL take money out of a personal account to cover insufficient funds from a joint account WITHOUT your permission. So always make sure that YOUR personal bank account is elsewhere (different bank or credit union) from HIS personal account AND the joint account. Don't have to tell him this let him have a personal account same place as the joint account.

Good Luck.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

We have tried the separate joint account to pay bills but I'm the only one who ever put anything in there so I gave up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He does what he does because he knows that you will never stand up to him. He knows that you will let him use and abuse you. So why should he care... he's a user. That's what they do.

The only way you will ever get through to him is if you make a credible threat to leave him. File for divorce, get support through the court. 

Now he has to wake up and see that society does no approve of him not contributing to the support of his family. 

If it wakes him up.. he might change. If it does not, you are better off without him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mace, let's be blunt here. You've allowed your relationship to get skewed. You've given up your rights and what you believe you should have in a marriage, bit by bit, give in by give in, because he's a man and he's aggressive and won't work with you and takes what he wants and frankly doesn't care if you are happy or not....because he's the man and you're the woman.

And you will continue to get this marriage...until YOU stop accepting it.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I agree, when we first met he was really bad at paying bills so little by little I took over most of them. I didn't mean for it to end up as me paying for all of them, just the responsibility of making sure they got paid. But it did get a little out of hand. And since our son was born before we were married, all his bills came to me in my name, so I just took care of them. And again established a precedent. I have let it get to where it is, and I have to do something to change it if I ever want it to change. I appreciate all the perspectives I've gotten on here, it is good to hear outside opinions since I'm way too close to the situation.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I have to ask a question here - when I need help with one of our son's bills, should I point-blank ask him for the money for it? What I usually do is tell him that the daycare bill, for example, is $200 and I don't have enought left to pay it. I keep hoping that he will offer to help, but it never happens. I don't want to be a nagging b**ch, and I want him to help out with his son because he wants to, not because I demanded it. What do you think?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print out a spreadsheet of monthly expenses, showing how much YOU pay and another column for where it's short. Color code it so he sees where he needs to be contributing. Then, when you tell him you need money in the future, he should be ready to do it.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

He needs to wake up and take responsibility. If eh wont do it on his own maybe you need to help with he wake up call


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

as was already mentioned, have your own bank account in another bank. you need financial independence just in case he fails bad on you. put extra money in there when you have a chance, make a plan to put a certain amount in at every pay day, it does not need to be a lot but you need to follow it through. do not take the money out of that account, it is like a parachute to be used in extreme emergencies. when you see that money add up you will feel better about doing it. 

if you need to sell your cars and get cheaper but still reliable vehicles than do it, they are in your name right? I really hope he is not driving a fancy new car and you pay for most of it. if he puts up an argument tell him you need to reduce the costs for the household so there is money left at the end of the month. 

tell him the amount he owes for the bills and expenses every month. there is no leeway on this, it is his expenses as well. this includes HIS son's expenses and costs as well.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Yes, I do have a separate account at completely different bank, besides the joint account we have at the bank where his account is. I try to put money aside in savings, but it never seems to last long there. Hopefully now that I have a second job I will be able to save a little. I did try making up a spreadsheet, it listed basically all monthly expenses, color coded for who pays them currently, and totals for each and then each of our monthly income. Of course he said I had a lot of things wrong on it, I haven't had a chance to find out what yet. 
We do both drive newer cars, but the cars and the loans are in my name. He pays for his car payment....as long as I remind him anyway. I am thinking of getting rid of my car and getting something older and cheaper, but I want to wait until we get our taxes back in spring so I can pay cash for an older car and not have a loan at all. 
I tried to talk nicely to him about all the stuff I buy our son that he doesn't help with - school supplies, clothes, shoes, fees for baseball and Kung Fu, sports equipment, school fees, school lunch, field trips...... I was being calm and very nice, but then he said I shouldn't buy our son unnecessary things and then maybe I would have more money. That's when I stopped talking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It worked, didn't it? His aggressiveness. It shut you up. Made you give up.

Are you going to take that?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

It pissed me off and I didn't want to yell at him again so I shut my mouth. I am trying really hard to work things out and explain how I feel, and hope he understands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why? Why does he need to understand? I mean, in a perfect world, sure. But you're dealing with a passive aggressive jerk, so if you want to stay in a relationship with him, you're going to have to get a tougher skin and STOP wrapping your life around whether he gets what he wants or doesn't get uptight around you. Read a book on boundaries.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Do you really think he sounds like a passive aggressive person? I was reading that thread and I can see some similarities but still not sure.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, if not full-blown abusive.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I think I found an idea that will work as far as paying bills. I suggested adding up all the bills and splitting them, and then we each put that into the joint account every month and pay bills out of it. He thought that sounded like a good idea, so I'm going to do the math and give this a shot.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Once I did the math, he just laughed and said no that wouldn't work for him. I don't know what to do. Yes, if I put the amount I figured on in the joint account ever 2 weeks, I would only have $100 left for the 2 weeks, but I also have a second job and I would be happy knowing all the bills are paid. I wish I could make this idea work.....


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Basically I guess we are right back where we started. I'm kind of out of ideas at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you'd be better off living alone and being in control of your own bills. He sure as hell isn't going to help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If nothing else, tell him you are going to cancel cable, internet, whatever, because there isn't enough money to pay the bills and you refuse to continue funding HIM.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I really should try that. I paid all the bills with the bigger paycheck from my main job, paid a couple more with the smaller check from my second job, and then used all my tip money to buy my son the rest of the clothes and stuff he needs for school this fall. And now I'm broke, again. Thank goodness it's payday in a few days. I came home with all the clothes and winter stuff I got for my son and showed it all to H, I was really hoping he would give me some money towards it since he still hasn't paid for anything for him even since we had that talk. No luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are working 2 jobs to support him and your child. 

He's using his money to play.

You have 3 choices..
1) continue as you are

2) Cut back .. cancel cable, his cell, etc.. anything that is his. Do not even buy food for him.

3) leave him, get a divorce and get child support from him. At least this way you are not supporting an adult child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When are you going to stop HOPING that he will turn into this wonderful man you WISH he was and we all know he isn't? Come on...


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I know, I'm sure I come across as pathetic but I don't want to give up on my marriage and family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not giving up means either accepting the crumbs you'll get or changing YOU.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I think the thing he objected to was having my student loans on the list of bills that we were splitting. And I guess I understand since that really had nothing to do with him, but I put his credit card that he uses to pay for his gas on there since I would be willing to share that too. I would take the student loans off and split the rest, but then I wouldn't have enough left to pay the student loans. Turnera, how do I go about changing me in this situation? I know, boundaries and consequences, but even if I told him this is what I expect or I'm leaving, I really couldn't afford to follow through on it and I'm not going to make idle threats.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, by starting to remove him from your locus of control. Tell him if he's not willing to split the bills as a normal couple would, you have to protect yourself and - since YOU are working TWO JOBS to pay bills - you will create two spreadsheets - one for his bills and one for your bills, and he can figure out how to pay for his bills as best he can. The joint ones, you will look into splitting them up so the two of you don't have to bother each other to get a particular bill paid. 

As my IC has told me numerous times, in dealing with a similar guy, my only salvation is to untie myself from him logistically, so that what HE does no longer affects what I need to do. He can fail to pay his own phone bill all he wants while expecting you to cover his slack. Doesn't mean you are gonna do it.

He'll figure it out eventually when he starts getting phone calls from bill collectors. mace, this is in YOUR control. YOU can stop giving him power over you, since he has proven himself untrustworthy. HE won't do it. (why should he?)


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> Like I said, by starting to remove him from your locus of control. Tell him if he's not willing to split the bills as a normal couple would, you have to protect yourself and - since YOU are working TWO JOBS to pay bills - you will create two spreadsheets - one for his bills and one for your bills, and he can figure out how to pay for his bills as best he can. The joint ones, you will look into splitting them up so the two of you don't have to bother each other to get a particular bill paid.
> 
> As my IC has told me numerous times, in dealing with a similar guy, my only salvation is to untie myself from him logistically, so that what HE does no longer affects what I need to do. He can fail to pay his own phone bill all he wants while expecting you to cover his slack. Doesn't mean you are gonna do it.
> 
> He'll figure it out eventually when he starts getting phone calls from bill collectors. mace, this is in YOUR control. YOU can stop giving him power over you, since he has proven himself untrustworthy. HE won't do it. (why should he?)


So what do I do with household bills that can't be split, such as electric or water? And how do I prevent it from affecting my credit if he doesn't pay? I'm liking this idea, I'm already trying to figure out how I can make it work. Just afraid of destroying my credit, there were a lot of things he had in collections that I didn't even know about that I had to take care of just to get our house.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You find other bills that WON'T affect your credit and stop paying them. Tell them they are now HIS bills, since he won't split the bills. It may take a while to maneuver this, but it is essential.

Once I asked my H, on behest of my IC, to take on just ONE CHORE in the house, cos I was sinking under the weight of doing it all. He refused. So I stewed for a few days, and then it hit me: It didn't make any difference to me if HE had clean clothes to wear. I didn't WEAR his clothes; one chore that I was doing that I was getting no benefit from. 

So I quit washing his clothes.

A few weeks later when he was finally out of clean clothes, he blew up at me. What kind of wife was I, blah blah blah? I just shrugged and said "You TOLD me that you wouldn't help with chores. I had to get SOMETHING off my shoulders to stay sane. So I figured it was no skin off my nose if your clothes stayed dirty. You want clean clothes? Wash them." And I walked away to go do more chores. 

A while later, I caught him fixing something that had been broken for years. And then later he did another chore. And another. So I washed a load of his clothes.

mace, you have to TEACH him how to treat you. Has to come from you. YOU have to have strength and stop being his doormat.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Actually laundry was one thing I put my foot down on right after we moved in together. I did his laundry a few times and then he got mad at me because he had a very complicated system of sorting laundry and I didn't get it right. So I told him I was not going to try to learn his system and worry about doing it right, he could wash his own clothes. And he has ever since. I also tried making his lunches for him for awhile but I didn't put the meat on the bread quite right so I said fine do it yourself. Of course I got the lecture about how I didn't care or I would have taken the time to learn his way and do it right. I told him I care but this is how I do it and if it's not good enough do it yourself. 

One bill we have that's actually in his name is the water bill. He used to pay it but then he was very strict with water usage. He would time me and my daughter when we took showers and get mad if we took a longer shower. So I started paying that so he couldn't tell us how to use the water. Same with the electric and gas, I got sick of freezing in winter because he insisted on keeping the heat so low so I started paying it so I could stay warm. I don't want to go through that again either, so I will have to choose a bill carefully.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, you can live without cable and internet. I never had either one growing up and I turned out fine. If your phone gets internet, just live off that for now.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I know, I'm sure I come across as pathetic but I don't want to give up on my marriage and family.


You don't sound pathetic, MANY of us have been where you are being the reasonable worker in the relationship trying to "make" it work by putting out more effort or making more sacrifices. You as you say "don't want to give up."

But he is never going to turn into that person he "could" be, the person you want him to be, to your efforts he answers "it wouldn't work for him" and he dismisses you.

Please, do not feel like a failure, stand up for yourself and your child and get a more healthy partner. You should not be walking on eggshells with anyone.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

So frustrating - just when I get very irritated because of everything (no help around the house, refusing to initiate sex, not being involved with our son, and not helping with bills, in one night he vacuums, comes along with us to Cub Scouts, gives me some money for bills, and initiates sex. I don't know if this means he is trying to change or what. Hopefully it will continue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What matters is if he CONTINUES to do it. If he doesn't, he senses you pulling away so he put on a SHOW to control you.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Turnera, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I've seen this before, and I will watch and make sure it keeps happening and he's not just sucking up. I don't mean to sound cynical but it's happened before.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I hope you told him how great it was to have him there at Boy Scouts and how much you appreciate his help around the house and the financials. I know you are skeptical of his intentions, and I don't blame you. Maybe he sensed you pulling away and is just trying a quick fix, but if he is truly trying, your show of appreciating will go a long way. If he just falls back into his old routine, keep pulling back and separating yourself and your son so that you can eventually be okay alone. Best of luck to you Mace.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Thank you MHP. Yes I did tell him that I appreciated all the things he did, hope the positive reinforcement works.


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