# Shocked that its come to this, accept it or fight?



## ukguy (Jul 13, 2012)

Hi Guys,

I dont really know where to start so sorry if this is a bit disjointed. My wife told me on Wednesday night that she dosent love me any more and wanted to seperate.

We've been together 8 years and have a little boy of 18 months.
The last year has been a really tough one for both of us, My business failed, I lost the first job I got after my business failed and was unemployed for 6 months, We had no money to pay the bills let alone socialise and quite frankly with hindsight I was an ass. I had a 100% conviction that our marrige was solid but without realising at the time seriously took my wife for granted, did nothing around the house, didnt spend enough time with my son, was moody, miserable and unappreciative. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I could of taken the blinkers off and realised this when I was being such a prat. However how best to move on from here,

So when my wife told me it was like a bombshell, and I reacted like a sap, crying begging her to make it work etc, reminding her of the good times etc. She agreed to stay and give it a shot so I'm optimistic there is a chance otherwise shed have just walked away when the hard part was done was my thoughts.

Over the last few days I've had time to think about where and when things started to go wrong and the opinions ive come to our the ones I mentioned above. I told her yesterday that I loved her, had had time to think and understood that my behaviour over the last 6 months or so was unacceptable, That I would help around the house a lot more, be less grumpy and quick to anger, spend more time with our son and basically fix myself up, not just for her but for me, That i would give her space and not puppydog around her.

Is there a chance that my marrige can be saved do you think or should i accept its probably over.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

You have a better shot than most of us. 

Taking responsibility for what you did wrong is a really difficult thing to do. Learning how to listen to your wife and not defend your actions/inactions is important. Get to CT and get to work. You likely need individual therapy to address what you've been going through. After all the drama, your wife is giving you another chance. Don't waste it.

Fixing yourself is going to be a lot more work than you think it is. Best of luck. Your story made me smile. Get back in there!


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

Your situation sounds remarkably similar to my own, the only difference being I was not given any chance. By the time bomb was dropped on me she had already detached, moved on, and written me off as a loss. Don't let the chance you have, however unlikely it may seem, go to waste. The entire universe was created by a series of very slim chances and wildly unlikely events.

Be honest with her, and yourself. Work hard. Be someone worth the chance, and good luck to you both.


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

You sound just like me mate. Only, my OH has decided she has had enough. It's been a huge wake up
Call for me, realising quite what a twit I have been over the last few years. I'm going through IC to get myself sorted out, been reading alot which has really helped so far. I'm nearly a month in and already feel like a new bloke. The best thing? It's all for me. If she see's the change and wants to have another go at things... Bonus.

Get hold of this book, 'Awareness' by Anthony De Mello. Recommended to me by a fella on here and it's given me a new perspective on life.
Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Get some counseling, show her by actions not words that you will work on yourself...and do it for yourself, and give her that space, be the father your child deserves and the husband she deserves...

I was probably given too many chances, finally cleaned my act up....we are in MC now, she is moving back home soon...in fact she is asleep in our bed right now, think I'll go wake her up with aback rub...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DjF said:


> Get some counseling, show her by actions not words that you will work on yourself...and do it for yourself, and give her that space, be the father your child deserves and the husband she deserves...
> 
> I was probably given too many chances, finally cleaned my act up....we are in MC now, she is moving back home soon...in fact she is asleep in our bed right now, think I'll go wake her up with aback rub...


True commitment really does conquer all.

You are a good man.

I am glad she sees it.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Deep down, the potential has been there for me to be a good man, at51 years of age, I finally grew up...I'm trying...

Ukguy, your young but have already took the first step to fixing yourself...and that is admitting that you need to fix yourelf up...now just follow through!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DjF said:


> Deep down, the potential has been there for me to be a good man, at51 years of age, I finally grew up...I'm trying...
> 
> Ukguy, your young but have already took the first step to fixing yourself...and that is admitting that you need to fix yourelf up...now just follow through!


Treasure her.

She saw you as you really are.

And, her love helped you lift yourself.

If I'm a bit envious, I hope you'll forgive me.


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## ukguy (Jul 13, 2012)

Thank you guys, its great to be able to open up to people who understand the place i'm in at the momment. I owe it to myself, my wife and my son to give this the best shot I possibly can, i'm confident that whatever happens I will improve as a man and as a father as a result of my actions. It hurts a lot to be told that the one you love and have shared everything with dosent love you but its my own fault and I think I have a chance.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Don't be envious of me, I'm just doing what I should have done 15 years ago, I got lucky and married someone who saw something inside of me that worth waiting for me to find that...I'm the bad guy that was running around outside of home while isolating my self at home drinking away...why she stuck around I'll never know...

Sorry for the slight highjacking of your thread Ukguy...but learn from my mistakes and get help now!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ukguy said:


> Thank you guys, its great to be able to open up to people who understand the place i'm in at the momment. I owe it to myself, my wife and my son to give this the best shot I possibly can, i'm confident that whatever happens I will improve as a man and as a father as a result of my actions. It hurts a lot to be told that the one you love and have shared everything with dosent love you but its my own fault and I think I have a chance.


Don't turn into a pleaser.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

One last thing for now Ukguy, avoid fights right now (or ever) emotions are running high and it doesn't take much, or say much to do even greater damage...do what you can to keep things running smoothly and if you run into tension, do what you can to keep calm, postpone conflicts until both parties have calmed down...simple short sentences stating what you are feeling about situations--not about her....so on...


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## ukguy (Jul 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't turn into a pleaser.


what do you mean?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

ukguy said:


> what do you mean?


I'm happy that she's thinking about giving it a second chance too...I'm another one who didn't get one, which is pretty much the norm around here.

The thing is though, from your posts, its very obvious you are totally blaming only yourself. In reality, it is highly likely not the case that it is all your fault....that is just your (natural) reaction right now, as you are in 100% 'fix it' mode.

Basically what Conrad is saying is don't find yourself in a situation where you do all the bending over backwards, you walk on eggshells, you become 'fake ' as you frett about whether you can save the relationship. I do say try, and try your best....but really pay attention to how she reacts - don't become a doormat, and don't be taken advantage of. Changes you make...do them primarily for YOU - not her.


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## ukguy (Jul 13, 2012)

That makes sense,


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

you're very lucky that this was caught before she decided to leave. make your relationship your priorty, seek mc, and take it day by day.


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