# Wife says she feels nothing for me...



## MRA (Sep 10, 2009)

Posted this in Ladies lounge, meant to post it here, anyway...We have been married for 3 years, with a 1 yr old daughter, together for about 6 years. This is my second marriage, her first, I have 2 kids from previous marriage with whom she is very close. We had a great sex life in the beginning, as many people do, and it has steadily declined over the past couple of years, and when I would bring it up, she would just say that she has no interest but that she still loves me. This past summer, she had to work doubles on weekends and one weeknight, so we saw each other only a few nights a week, and literally didn't spend one night together without the baby. No date nights, no anything, and the baby sleeps in our bed (which is a separate issue altogether...). That's a basic snapshot of where we are, but about a month ago, she tells me she feels nothing for me. I was floored, because even though things had gotten a little distant, I thought it was something we could work through. I wish I had been a little more active in trying to get her to talk, but her mom also is fighting lung cancer (very successfully, thankfully) and that combined with her working and being home with the baby during the day (although I work full time and have the baby and my other 2 every weekend myself), I wanted to be understanding and not pressure her. Now it looks like she has already checked out and doesn't have much interest in fixing things. She says she will go to therapy, which I am also going to do as I am kind of a mess over this, but hasn't been very proactive in trying to schedule anything. She has continuosly said that it has nothing to do with me that I have been a great husband, but that this has happened in all of her relationships. What I would like to hear from the women (or men who have been through this) is, what do I do? The tension between us is often palpable around the house even though we don't fight. I talked to her about trying to work on our 'friendship' as a starting point, and take it from there. I don't want to be without her and it makes me sick to think that I won't have my daughter in my life every day. I've already gone through a similar situation and miss my kids (9 and 11) all the time, even though I see them pretty much every weekend. I know I am not perfect, but I moved an hour farther away to be with her and took a job in the area, and have generally put her needs before mine, I feel like I deserve more effort that she is giving to fix things. Apologies for this being a little long and possibly rambling, but I need to know, what can I do to at least have the possibility of my wife reconnecting with me and staying in the marriage???


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm surprised that she doesn't realize that relationships do get settled and the butterflies and excitement aren't there as much or at all for some couples. But this is where commitment begins. Love isn't just a feeling, it is something you do.

She sounds immature to have decided that because this happened in all of her other relationships, too that there is nothing that can be done to make things better. She needs to get realistic. Her idea of love is immature. Further, if this always happened to her, what business did she have getting married? That was thoroughly unfair of her if she knew she was like this and would act on it by leaving.

Therapy may actually help her. But it depends on whether she's willing to change her way of thinking.


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## MRA (Sep 10, 2009)

You pretty much hit on most of what I have told her. She has said things like "I just don't think that two people necessarily are meant to be together forever". Stuff like that I would have like to have known before marrying her. I was very cautious in getting married again as my first marriage ended in a similar fashion, but I trusted her and felt like I would spend the rest of my life with her. And just for a little more background, I dated several people prior to her, a few who I probably could have married had I thought it was right, so I wasn't in any sort of rebound or anything like that. I just want to convince her to stick it out for awhile and work at it, and maybe she'll realize that we can make it work. I think about this pretty much every waking moment. As much as I love her and don't want to lose her, I am even more upset for my kids, who absolutely love her.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I don't know how you are going to convince her.
But I went thru something simular the first year and more of my daughters birth.
I lost all feelings for my husband, baby in the bed, worked opposite shifts didn't think he was helping enough etc. It felt like we were baically room mates. But that didn't make me sad or mad or want to change it at the time, I felt nothing. 
I remember thinking once or twice we should just split and go our own ways. 
I don't know if it is the adjustment of having a baby or if ti was PPD or what. But I stuck it out. And as our daughter got older and got into her own bed..... we started having more free time together and went on a few dates and fell in love all over again.
Our girl is now 5 and we still work opposite shifts and there is never enough time for everyone. But we work it out, because relationships require work.


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## MRA (Sep 10, 2009)

Wantingmore, that's great to hear, your description sounds almost identical to our situation. She's not mad, she's not sad, there's just nothing. I'm just worried that she feels like this is it, that there's nothing else that can be done. Hopefully, with some patience and work, I can tell the same story as you at some point, thanks for the input.


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## joebrown98 (Nov 26, 2009)

My wife just told this to me on Monday. The difference is, I know why she told this to me. We have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We both have a son from a previous relationship, and I am the only father her son has ever known. She has even gone as far as to tell me "its over". I dont think its over, nor will I accept it. I have done some major thinking, reading, and even made an appointment at a marriage counselor who specialized in a certain therapy for these situations. Once I did this, althought she didnt say one way or another that we will work it out, she did agreed to read this same book I did, and go to the therapy for our marraige. Her parents also want us to work this out, and I am being very proactive where I wasnt earlier when we noticed the issues. She asked me to go to therapy almost a year ago and I disagreed. I finally agreed a few months ago as long as she set it up. She never did, but I should have. Neither one of us have another person in our lives, but I wonder how I can still have such a strong and sudden desire to make this work and she is now taking the position I did months ago? But, she has taken it one step further by saying "we need a divorce". Since Monday, she has gone from saying, "Its too late for help, to I will go with you to a therapist and read this book". Is this reason for optimism? I hope so, and if so, how to I gauge when to begin asking her out on a date, or bending in to show my affection. Or...should I do it and the more responsive she becomes (if) continue to do it? I am so broken hearted right now. We used to be so heads and tails in love with each other! I still am with her! Can we get that back if I change what I recognize I have done wrong and correct this. I also know it wont change immediately, but is there hope?


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