# Hanging out with my married coworker



## nightowl_f

I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually. 

We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.

I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.

So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level. 

We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”

I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual. 

I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?


----------



## SunCMars

On keeping his friendship..

You and he think so.
His wife thinks....not so.

You seem on the up and up.

Him?
He is a patient man.
You are his patient.

He is trying to get you to open up. 
To open up your friendship?
Yep...

And to open up your legs.

He knows he is not a physically attractive man..to you.
He knows he is a mentally attractive man ........to you.

He is trying to trick your denying eyes with his mind.

He is a patient man.
You are his patient.

Beware!


----------



## sokillme

nightowl_f said:


> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually.
> 
> We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> 
> I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.
> 
> So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level.
> 
> We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”
> 
> I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual.
> 
> I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?


Imagine your his wife what would you think? One day you may be as karma is a real thing.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Sounds like you have an orbiter. He will go for years acting as a sexless guy, all the while stealthy plotting his kill. But if he is an orbiter, he is never getting a sniff. Maybe he can come by and clean your apartment for you. You won't even have to give him sex. Just spray a little perfume in the air to keep him interested.


----------



## ButWeAreStrange

nightowl_f said:


> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. *Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually. *
> 
> *We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> *
> I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.
> 
> So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level.
> 
> We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”
> 
> *I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual. *
> 
> I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?


He's probably mentioning what his wife is doing more now because he's been open about his friendship with you and it's made her feel (in my opinion rightly) territorial. The few times where a coworker has gotten too close to my husband, he's actually brought me up as a "casual" subject to see whether or not the coworker reacts in a hostile or dismissive manner. 

It doesn't really matter whether or not the context of your conversations are sexual or inappropriate in an obvious manner, the fact is that it isn't normal even for really close friends to have this degree of regular contact. Think about it this way, the amount of time he spends texting you is time that he's not spending with his wife, family or life outside of work. That isn't very healthy, even if it is all innocent. The fact that his contact with you increased after his wife's negative reaction shows that he views you as an emotional support for him, which again, isn't appropriate for a married man. She's probably experiencing a lot of emotional deficit in their one-on-one interactions since he spends so much of his own with you. 

While it might be all innocent, the reality is that this friendship is clearly disrupting their lives as a couple which means that you need to slow it all down fast. If you two truly are good friends, it should bother both of you that it makes his wife uncomfortable and puts him in a dangerous position. You don't want to lose the interaction? Then keep it professional and keep it at work. No outside of work interaction, especially anything that is too intimate or could be easily misplaced emotion. He's essentially having an emotional affair with you, and if you were a true friend, you'd put an end to it quickly.


----------



## Lukedog

The emotional connection is all that is needed for when an opportunity arises for this emotional affair to turn physical.


----------



## Lukedog

The emotional connection is all that is needed for an opportunity to arise for this emotional affair to turn physical.


----------



## Suspicious1

Funny, I've had really close lady friends in my life. They have been either with someone, and at times I was in a relationship too. 

Guess What I have never Effed them, mainly because I respect their relationship if I was in one then I respect mine as well.

I'm not a bad looking guy at all, talk slim, I think I'm smart and a wicked sense of humor too. 
Never had one of my close women friends magically want to bang me. Well my room mate did once while her bf was abroad, she was drunk but I gently turned her down.

It takes one of the two partie to pull the breaks on such emotional games. I get these things can start a blazing fire fast but c'mon. It can't be so easy!



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

SunCMars said:


> On keeping his friendship..
> 
> You and he think so.
> His wife thinks....not so.
> 
> You seem on the up and up.
> 
> Him?
> He is a patient man.
> You are his patient.
> 
> He is trying to get you to open up.
> To open up your friendship?
> Yep...
> 
> And to open up your legs.
> 
> He knows he is not a physically attractive man..to you.
> He knows he is a mentally attractive man ........to you.
> 
> He is trying to trick your denying eyes with his mind.
> 
> He is a patient man.
> You are his patient.
> 
> Beware!


I like this post and I tend to agree. 

As far as you and him, keep your distance. Follow the golden rule. Imagine you were in his wife's shoes, then act accordingly. Imagine your husband was out to dinner and constantly texting another woman, what would you ask of her? Then act accordingly.


----------



## nightowl_f

Hi all. Thanks so much for your feedback and insight! I really appreciate it. The day after my coworker and I hung out - he texted me that his wife was upset when he told her he was out that night alone with me. From what he told me, she was upset because it didn’t sound like “hanging out with a coworker” — but that it could be perceived as “dinner with an attractive younger woman” and she asked what the hell he was thinking. 

I did actually tell him before we headed out at 5pm that he was welcome to invite anyone else along with us. It just never worked out that anyone was available or that he didn’t invite anyone else to come along.

The only aspect of our work friendship that has made me iffy is when he shares details about his wife. Only in the sense that I think if she knew he was even sharing what she was up to that she would be absolutely upset.

To me, he’s non-threatening because he’s on the heavy side and has never acted inappropriate towards me at all.


----------



## nightowl_f

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Sounds like you have an orbiter. He will go for years acting as a sexless guy, all the while stealthy plotting his kill. But if he is an orbiter, he is never getting a sniff. Maybe he can come by and clean your apartment for you. You won't even have to give him sex. Just spray a little perfume in the air to keep him interested.


This is actually what a male friend told me when I described this situation. My male friend stopped by several weeks ago and met my coworker when he stopped by my office.

My friend said that my coworker was clearly smitten with me and that my coworker comes across as a big puppy starved for attention.


----------



## Spicy

I don't think married men should go on dates with women that aren't their wives.


----------



## nightowl_f

ButWeAreStrange said:


> The fact that his contact with you increased after his wife's negative reaction shows that he views you as an emotional support for him, which again, isn't appropriate for a married man. She's probably experiencing a lot of emotional deficit in their one-on-one interactions since he spends so much of his own with you.
> 
> While it might be all innocent, the reality is that this friendship is clearly disrupting their lives as a couple which means that you need to slow it all down fast. If you two truly are good friends, it should bother both of you that it makes his wife uncomfortable and puts him in a dangerous position. You don't want to lose the interaction? Then keep it professional and keep it at work. No outside of work interaction, especially anything that is too intimate or could be easily misplaced emotion. He's essentially having an emotional affair with you, and if you were a true friend, you'd put an end to it quickly.


Thanks. You are absolutely right. This is emotional cheating and I am upset I didn’t see the early stages of this months ago. This feels somehow worse because he and I have been sharing/bonding a lot over the past several months. It is at a point where I am devastated that I would lose his friendship and attentiveness throughout the work day.

I felt so weird and unsettled reading the text about how his wife was upset with him when he told her about our after-work bite. I couldn’t believe he shared a marital issue with me. And then when his texts increased the rest of the weekend about mundane things he was up to, I felt like he was depending on me for emotional support, absolutely. I felt compelled to respond and “keep him company” throughout the weekend. If his wife knew that our communications extended to texts, she would be mortified and would kill him.

I’ve been told by a male friend that my coworker’s behavior is off-putting and inappropriate and that I have been essentially feeding an attention-starved puppy for months now.

My friend has given me similar advice as you have in your post. That I need to keep my interactions with this man within the confines of the 8-hour work day. No other communication beyond that.


----------



## Andy1001

nightowl_f said:


> Thanks. You are absolutely right. This is emotional cheating and I am upset I didn’t see the early stages of this months ago. This feels somehow worse because he and I have been sharing/bonding a lot over the past several months. It is at a point where I am devastated that I would lose his friendship and attentiveness throughout the work day.
> 
> I felt so weird and unsettled reading the text about how his wife was upset with him when he told her about our after-work bite. I couldn’t believe he shared a marital issue with me. And then when his texts increased the rest of the weekend about mundane things he was up to, I felt like he was depending on me for emotional support, absolutely. I felt compelled to respond and “keep him company” throughout the weekend. If his wife knew that our communications extended to texts, she would be mortified and would kill him.
> 
> I’ve been told by a male friend that my coworker’s behavior is off-putting and inappropriate and that I have been essentially feeding an attention-starved puppy for months now.
> 
> My friend has given me similar advice as you have in your post. That I need to keep my interactions with this man within the confines of the 8-hour work day. No other communication beyond that.


You are either extremely naive or you are starved of attention yourself if you didn’t think it was inappropriate to be texting a married co worker throughout the weekend and after work.Also to be discussing his marriage problems was both disrespectful to his wife and undermined your own claims of an innocent friendship.If you think that you two aren’t the chief topic of gossip in your workplace then like I said earlier you are naive.
You also twice described him as awesome but because he is “on the heavy side” you don’t read anything into his actions.
Can I make a suggestion and I don’t mean this in a nasty way.
Get a life.
Of your own.


----------



## nightowl_f

Andy1001 said:


> You are either extremely naive or you are starved of attention yourself if you didn’t think it was inappropriate to be texting a married co worker throughout the weekend and after work.Also to be discussing his marriage problems was both disrespectful to his wife and undermined your own claims of an innocent friendship.If you think that you two aren’t the chief topic of gossip in your workplace then like I said earlier you are naive.
> Can I make a suggestion and I don’t mean this in a nasty way.
> Get a life.


I’ve been extremely naive. I admit that. 

We’ve never discussed his marital issues at all. He is the one that has brought up his wife every now and again - but mostly about what she was doing. “My wife just texted me that she is picking up _____” sort of stuff. 

I doubt we’re the subject of gossip. I work in a professional setting where people have lunch together and hang out outside of work regularly.


----------



## Andy1001

nightowl_f said:


> I’ve been extremely naive. I admit that.
> 
> We’ve never discussed his marital issues at all. He is the one that has brought up his wife every now and again - but mostly about what she was doing. “My wife just texted me that she is picking up _____” sort of stuff.
> 
> I doubt we’re the subject of gossip. I work in a professional setting where people have lunch together and hang out outside of work regularly.


You need to get your act together and start by stopping all contact outside of a professional working relationship with your would be suitor.
Professional office situations are a hive for gossip and guess what? If you’re not included in the gossip it’s because you are the subject of it.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt and attribute your actions to naivety rather than maliciousness but remember this.If his wife complains to upper management you or both of you could be out of a job.And as it appears he has seniority it will most likely be you.
Have you any hobbies or do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.You need to start living your own life.


----------



## nightowl_f

Andy1001 said:


> Have you any hobbies or do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.You need to start living your own life.


Of course I have hobbies and a life outside of work. Our interactions are only at work with the exception of the one time I described in my post.


----------



## Penny905

If you were married, do you think you would be comfortable going out for drinks with him for 3 or 4 hours? How do you think your husband would feel? What if your husband did it to you? 

Simple and basic rule in life, reverse circumstances. If you don't want someone to do this to you, don't do it!


----------



## BigDigg

Whether justified or not - you're close friendship is causing him issues in his marriage. If you're really just friends here you should be understanding and back off a bit. Help your friend out here.


----------



## Evinrude58

So there are really women that think that just because they aren't attracted to a man, the man isn't attracted to her?
There are women that think that a married man having a woman other than his wife on his mind all weekend and texting her is appropriate and "just friendly"???

There are women out there that go on dates (yes, it was a date) with married male coworkers and have "deep conversations" is an okay thing to do? They actually don't realize that if they're on a date with you, that they aren't with their wives building on their own relationships with them? 

This is EXACTLY the type of thing with coworkers that is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE, and leads to affairs. Even if this never happened, you are ALREADY causing this man trouble in his marriage, and he is CLEARLY emotionally connected with you if he's texting you all weekend after his wife went ballistic (understandably-- actually, I admire her behavior) and asked him to stop communication with you.

OP, sorry for the sarcasm, but what you are doing is really difficult to understand as far as how you can't know this is all wrong.

HE and YOU should have your own friends (maybe his wife, for one) to hang out with after work. 

You really need to politely tell him that all after work texting and dates are going to have to stop, and that you are sorry your friendship caused trouble in his marriage.

In my opinion, this man has you on his mind constantly. He is attracted to you. He is likely even doubting his feelings for his wife. He may have even LOST his love for his wife (the kind that makes him attracted to her..... the romantic stuff) and it's all because he is building a relationship with you and not her.
It matters not what your intentions are, it matters what HIS are. He's the married man who has started breaking boundaries that shouldn't be crossed.

Do the right thing. Really.


----------



## Steve2.0

You guys had a date together.. alone.... BUT he could have invited other people but didnt (classic move to have a date)

He might be keeping things non-sexual but theres a strong chance he would flip that switch the moment you showed physical interest. He might just be waiting for you to break up with some guy and be vulnerable or whatever...

Or maybe he has more estrogen than testosterone and is truly looking for a nice wholesome platonic relationship


----------



## Married but Happy

BigDigg said:


> Whether justified or not - you're close friendship is causing him issues in his marriage. If you're really just friends here you should be understanding and back off a bit. Help your friend out here.


This. This is the only consideration that matters, IMO. I would not want even innocent activities to interfere in another's relationship. Even if their spouse's discomfort is totally irrational and unfounded. I'd offer to meet the spouse if that helps defuse the tension and reassure them that there is nothing inappropriate going on.

I also have many opposite sex _platonic_ friends and coworkers, some married, some single, and I am married. I can hang out with them alone or with my spouse and/or their spouse, in public, or in private, and it's never led to any problems. If there were problems or even just misperceptions, I'd back things off until resolved, even if it feels unfair.


----------



## personofinterest

This is a very clear and easy character test for the both of you. Only you will decide whether you choose to pass it or fail it.


----------



## lifeistooshort

C'mon sister.....we all know you like the attention you get from him. 

This is classic emotional affair and you know it. 

Other womens husbands are not a good place for you to get your ego stroked.

Cut this off now. 

I take it you're not seeing anyone? I wonder how a guy in your life would feel about this.


----------



## Blondilocks

It's sad that at the age of 34, you don't realize the inappropriateness of your behavior. His wife was right to throw a **** fit.


----------



## naiveonedave

Spicy said:


> I don't think married men should go on dates with women that aren't their wives.


quoted for truth! And it isn't a double standard, reverse the genders and the same statement applies.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Do yourself a favor.

Watch, "When Harry Met Sally."

Billy Crystal speaks TRUTH when he tells Meg Ryan that pretty much ALL men want to have sex with their female 'friends' - even if they're unattractive or not their type, etc. etc.. Yes guys, I KNOW there are exceptions to every rule but there's a TON of truth to this statement as well.

I've had a lot of close male friends over the years that I've adored (co-workers, neighbors, school chums, etc. etc.) - without having one single shred of attraction or romantic feelings for them. And sadly, *every single ONE* of them at one point or another eventually either revealed to me they were 'in love' with me, or they tried to talk me into having sex with them.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

If you, him and his wife are ok with what is going on then I don't see a problem with it. His wife is not ok and that is all you really need to know. Respect the boundaries of their marriage. Maybe you were naive but now you are not. While your intentions may truly be altruistic, he does seem to be moving towards an affair if given the opportunity. Deceiving his wife to reach out to you over that weekend is the only sign you need to know that he is falling for you. This road will not end well if you do not put a stop to it. Good luck!


----------



## Yeswecan

Clarity...it appears you have it now before the inevitable "fog" closes in.


----------



## katies

nightowl_f said:


> To me, he’s non-threatening because he’s on the heavy side and has never acted inappropriate towards me at all.


Girl. He took you out on a date. what the heck do you THINK is appropriate?


----------



## nightowl_f

Thanks all. I’m glad I created an account and posed this situation to you all. If we do anything during work hours, it’ll be with others. And I won’t respond to anymore texts.


----------



## Openminded

Excellent decision.


----------



## bandit.45

deleted


----------



## Edo Edo

nightowl_f said:


> I’ve been extremely naive. I admit that.
> 
> 
> 
> I doubt we’re the subject of gossip. I work in a professional setting where people have lunch together and hang out outside of work regularly.



There is no doubt that you two are the subject of gossip. And lots of it.
You don't even want to know what your other co-workers are saying about you right now...


Anyone hates to lose a friendship, but it's past time to let this go...


----------



## hinterdir

(I'm assuming you are married?) Yes, keep your distance. This is becoming inappropriate and you know it. 
If you are getting to where you feel this close and at ease with this guy and like to talk to him so much and spend so much time with him and text him in the evenings and on the weekend than this has already gone too far. It's inappropriate. If you were my wife I'd already confront you about spending this much time, spending so much time talking with another guy. You sound like you are on the verge of an emotional affair. Who cares how much you like him or how good of a friend you find him to be, this much time and sharing of feelings, thoughts and emotions with another guy is inappropriate for someone married.


----------



## uhtred

It is so easy to make friends with someone. Talk, laugh spend time together as friends. If both people have really happy solid relationships at home, it can work. 

Often though, with no bad intent on either persons part, the friendship starts to drift toward something more. Any issues at home make this worse - there is the inevitable comparison between problems at home and the great interactions with this new person. 

With a long term partner you know everything, the good and the bad. Often time together is with things that aren't fun - chores and the like. With a new friend, all the time together is fun time. Everything is new. Its so easy to fall into the trap of comparing how wonderful things are with the new person and how bad they are at home.

I think in many cases there really is no bad intent, but its so easy for things to start to get out of hand.


I expect a lot of people have started to fall into this trap at some point in their lives I have. Its painful to get out of it as well - because you so much enjoy this new person - you may not admit it to yourself but it starts to feel like love. 


I have no right to make moral judgements. I will say though that its very easy for this sort of friendship to slip into an emotional affair and for that to turn physical. What to do is your choice, but make it with an awareness of what you are doing.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Good idea. 

Live and learn. 

Many years ago I had a close male friend..... back when we were young and single. Never dated, no physical relationship.....but very close emotional relationship. I'm sure he would've slept with me given the chance, but it never happened.

He joined the military and left the state, and eventually I did the same. We stayed in touch off and on. 

When he started dating his wife I tried very hard to befriend her and she seemed to like me. When an opposite sex friend marries you need to become a couple friend or the friendship won't last.

They had 2 kids and we'd chat on fb once in a while, all above ground for all to see.

One day he passed through my city and stopped in to my job to have lunch. Hadn't even seen him in years at this point. We chatted and caught up...
.shared family pictures.

He got a call from his wife and lied about where he was.

That was it for me. I don't know why he lied.....maybe they had other issues and it had nothing to do with me. Either way it's irrelevant because I was not going to be part of something his wife wasn't comfortable with, whether I was the root issue or not.

You're doing the right thing by cutting him off. You don't have to be rude, just tell him that you're not going to be a party to anything that makes his wife uncomfortable. If he claims she's fine then tell him you'd like to hear it from her.

That'll stop him.


----------



## Adelais

nightowl_f said:


> *The only aspect of our work friendship that has made me iffy is when he shares details about his wife. Only in the sense that I think if she knew he was even sharing what she was up to that she would be absolutely upset.*
> 
> To me, he’s non-threatening because he’s on the heavy side and has never acted inappropriate towards me at all.


The bolded is a red flag!!! He is sharing things with you that would upset his wife if she knew. He is in an emotional affair with you, even if you aren't having one with him.

You need to stop having all one on one contact with him outside of work, and tell him why. If he balks, ask him if it is OK for you to tell his wife all the things he has told you, and if she is OK with his meeting with you, then you will also be OK with it.

He is NOT a nice man. Nice men don't tell tell things to other women that their wife would be upset about. Nice men don't hurt their wives by spending time with other women. Nice men don't text other women secretly behind their wife's back.


----------



## TRy

nightowl_f said:


> We’ve never discussed his marital issues at all.


 On one hand you say above that "We’ve never discussed his marital issues at all", yet in an earlier post you contradict that when you state that "I couldn’t believe he shared a marital issue with me". When people contradict themselves like this, it is often because they are in an emotional affair (EA) fog without knowing it. The good thing is that you are a good person that wants to do the right thing, that got caught up in this without realizing that it was wrong because there was no physical sex involved.


----------



## Diana7

nightowl_f said:


> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually.
> 
> We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> 
> I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.
> 
> So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level.
> 
> We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”
> 
> I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual.
> 
> I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?


Of course you need to keep your distance, what are you thing of??? You are not a teenager but someone in her 30's who should know better. Stop texting and stop seeing him for breaks and times outside work. He is out of bounds totally.


----------



## SunCMars

nightowl_f said:


> I’ve been extremely naive. I admit that.
> 
> We’ve never discussed his marital issues at all. He is the one that has brought up his wife every now and again - but mostly about what she was doing. “My wife just texted me that she is picking up _____” sort of stuff.
> 
> I doubt we’re the subject of gossip. I work in a professional setting where people have lunch together and hang out outside of work regularly.


You gave him something that his wife did not.

Likely...... hope.
Likely...... recognition.
Likely.......new perfume to smell.
Likely.......a different pretty face to look at and to long for...back to hope.

Live and learn.


----------



## Hope Shimmers

SunCMars said:


> On keeping his friendship..
> 
> You and he think so.
> His wife thinks....not so.
> 
> You seem on the up and up.
> 
> Him?
> He is a patient man.
> You are his patient.
> 
> He is trying to get you to open up.
> To open up your friendship?
> Yep...
> 
> And to open up your legs.
> 
> He knows he is not a physically attractive man..to you.
> He knows he is a mentally attractive man ........to you.
> 
> He is trying to trick your denying eyes with his mind.
> 
> He is a patient man.
> You are his patient.
> 
> Beware!


This is a great post. I agree with it.


----------



## SGr

Two words.

STEER.

CLEAR!!

Sent from my 6045O using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy

How refreshing to have a new person join, ask a question, not get defensive, and then actually listen and learn from the advice and take steps to put it into action. This type of OP is why I give up some of my limited time to post here. 

OP, I hope you stick around with us, sounds like you could be a great addition! Thanks for being a decent human and respecting this mans wife and marriage! Bravo!


----------



## jsmart

nightowl_f said:


> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. *He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest.* We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. *Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually.*
> 
> We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> 
> *I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.*





nightowl_f said:


> *The only aspect of our work friendship that has made me iffy is when he shares details about his wife.* Only in the sense that I think if she knew he was even sharing what she was up to that she would be absolutely upset.
> 
> *To me, he’s non-threatening because he’s on the heavy side* and has never acted inappropriate towards me at all.


You really can't be this naive. You are playing with fire. Just because you currently don't have those types of feelings for him doesn't mean they won't develop and it definitely doesn't mean he doesn't have them for you. Trust me this guy is so in lust with you it's causing him to be careless.

A man talking about their marital problems is the number one way a man tries to get another woman to cheat with him. As you can see the ramping up of talk about his wife, is a ploy to lower your guard and build more intimate rapport. Soon he'll be telling you about how cold his wife is or the lack of sex.

I've read so many threads on loveshack from WWs that started affairs with older guys they thought were not attractive until the guy revealed his feelings. Then something clicks in these women, that they're willing to risk their marriages and even their kids stability to be some guys free sex toy. Some even hoping the guy that she wasn't attracted to would leave their marriage so she could leave hers. 

As for his wife, she is rightly upset, hurt, and correct to feel threatened. We don't know about her but I imagine she must be late 40s or 50s. When she learns that he's out on a date with a woman almost 20 years younger than him, she's going to be crushed. 

BTW: I really hope you're single because if not, this is even more insane.


----------



## Ursula

In a word, yes, put a little distance between you guys.

Something similar happened to me years ago, except the age gap was much smaller. Befriended a really cool guy at work, who was married for 14 years and had a child. Given this, I thought he was safe to share a friendship with, but I couldn't have been more wrong. After quite some times, our conversations (lunch, coffee breaks) got more personal. I had been going through some turmoil in the dating world; he was second-guessing his marriage. I ended up quitting that job, and on the evening of my last day, friends threw me a going away party. He gave me a ride back to my vehicle, which I appreciated, as I was carrying an expensive camera and we were in a cruddy area of town. Towards the end of the ride, things started to get uncomfortable. Later that evening I got an email from him professing his feelings and saying that while he wasn't ready to leave his marriage, would I be interested in a little something on the side. I saw red, and emailed him back telling him to seek professional help. I haven't seen him since, and that was 8 years ago. By the way, we never texted, just communicated while at work.

While it's nice to have a really comfortable friendship that seems platonic, what you guys are doing is pretty wrong, especially if his wife isn't OK with it. I would take a couple steps back from this friendship, as from the sounds of your post, and the amount that he texts with you and the personal info that he tells you, it sounds like he may be starting to have some feelings for you.


----------



## Talker67

DANGER, Will Robinson....DANGER!

I would respect his wife's wishes. Or better, bring her along on a double date maybe.


----------



## NJ2

This thread is a huge trigger for me.

You could be my h's younger coworker "friend" who asked him to go out for drinks with her and their colleagues - but no one else came.....he stayed and had a few beers with her- nothing wrong with that except he was supposed to be coming home to help me deal with a problem with our daughter- he came home but 2 hours too late.

You could be this same friend that texted him far more than necessary- just shooting the breeze- having a laugh- you just "get"each other so well. Nothing wrong with that except he basically stopped texting me other than a one word reply several hours after I sent a message. She also texted him about "work" after midnight while he was laying in bed beside me- and on the weekend while we are out for dinner- 

You could be that woman- the one who told his daughter (when she worked as a summer student at their place of employment) that her dad was hilarious, he was the absolute best, and look this is where we go for walks at lunch sometimes and where we go to have our coffees...oh and it would be so great to have a place down here where we could spend off time just hanging out and having a few beers -you know-without our significant others always complaining about something....

Maybe you are also the same woman who meets his wife at a social function and tells her that she really knows him well after spending all day together working and talking about life, and how you know he loves to dance because he danced all night at that work function the wife wasnt invited to- maybe you also winked at him and stuck your tongue out playfully after those comments started an argument ...

Maybe you are such a great friend and coworker that you stay after work alone with him at the office to help with his computer skills and book courses to go to together so he doesnt have to worry about it. You are kind and bring him coffee and occasionally baked goods. He loves this because his wife doesnt bake.

You are young and carefree, easy going with no responsibilities, time to explore your hobbies and sports. Whereas now he sees how boring his wife has become always cooking and cleaning, looking after the kids and the animals. She interferes with im having a good time...His wife has a job but not one he cares about like the one you share. You make sure you tell him how you depend on him at work - how no one else can do what he does, you admire his skills, you appreciate everything about each other. You have a boyfriend but hes just a child compared to this man..

A "good friend" at work can wreak havoc in a marriage. Pursuing emotional intimacy with a married man is wrong. No matter how supposedly unattracted you think you are to each other. .. It starts to chip away at time and marital intimacy. Do not continue to fool yourself that you dont know what you are doing. It is a power game. It may be fun for you and give you an ego boost but you need to give your head a shake and put the shoe on the other foot. Karma is a *****. 

(and obviously I know you are not my H's OW.....it just triggered me )


----------



## nightowl_f

Spicy said:


> How refreshing to have a new person join, ask a question, not get defensive, and then actually listen and learn from the advice and take steps to put it into action. This type of OP is why I give up some of my limited time to post here.
> 
> OP, I hope you stick around with us, sounds like you could be a great addition! Thanks for being a decent human and respecting this mans wife and marriage! Bravo!


Thank you! I appreciate the kind words. I picked this forum because despite the enjoyment I was getting out of my interactions with my married colleague, something still felt murky.

He sent a text yesterday evening about how he was headed to his evening game night and was sitting in his car eating his sandwich. Very mundane. I didn’t respond. It now seems very silly to me that I carried on the way that I did these past months.

He’s attention-starved, but he’s barking up the wrong tree for attention. It sounds like his behavior speaks more about the lack of communication between him and his wife — and I fell into the “pleasant distraction” trap.


I cannot halt all interactions with him at work, but I can keep things professional, work-based, pleasant, collegial, and only interact with him socially during work hours in group settings


----------



## stro

Are you going to have a conversation with him about why you will be taking a step back? Not sure if it matters but just curious.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

"communicated on a DEEPER level." --My wife said the same thing!

And we almost lost it right before the holidays last year. Ego kibblin' if I ever saw it! 


I'm glad you are seeing things through a different set of glasses now.


----------



## I shouldnthave

NJ2 said:


> This thread is a huge trigger for me.
> 
> Karma is a *****.
> 
> (and obviously I know you are not my H's OW.....it just triggered me )


I know.. you are talking about being triggered, and that its a different situation.

But you realize that your husband is 100% responsible for all of that right? That he is the one that doesn't maintain boundaries. That he is the one that has invited in appropriate interaction. 

That it is your husband who is married, and therefore shouldn't be behaving as a single person. 

I don't know - I have been cheated on, and I never blamed "her". Even after they were exposed, even after I told her to get lost. It was my husband that was the problem, her? She has no obligations to me, HE did. HE was the one that stepped out. 

And I have cheated myself - was it the OM's fault? Not in the slightest. I CHOOSE to accept his attention. I choose to allow boundaries to be breached, I choose to go through that door after he opened it. 

Sure, the wife of the OP here is very lucky that the OP is being the better person and closing the door on him. But honestly, until he is fixed, or their marriage is fixed - he will just find someone else to "connect" with.

Because now he has gotten a taste of something he is desperately missing - and he will attempt to fill that void.


----------



## nightowl_f

stro said:


> Are you going to have a conversation with him about why you will be taking a step back? Not sure if it matters but just curious.


I don’t plan on having a conversation. 

I don’t want him to think I care enough to have a conversation. This really boils down to a marital issue and something that he needs to work out with his wife. There is definitely a lot of emotional distance between them. Not my problem. 

I feel like if I had a conversation about it that would probably give him some weird sense of validation. 

It won’t be too hard to keep my distance. For instance, today, a handful of us at work ate breakfast together. He was there. It wasn’t awkward at all. If he needs to stop by my office for work-related issues, that’s no big deal with me.


----------



## nightowl_f

In fact, just today, right in front of him, three of us plan on going out to lunch together and he was sitting nearby and I didn’t look up at all. I focused my attention on the two other coworkers. No one looked his way to invite him.

Later, before I left the office today, he stopped by very awkwardly and said, “Hope you have a nice birthday weekend!” I said, “oh! Thanks. Have a great weekend.”

(Keep in mind, a couple weeks ago he gave me a birthday gift of stawberry candies when he realized they are my favorite. I was flattered that he had remembered at the time, but now I realize he was thinking way too much about me to even give me a gift. (I literally don’t know anyone’s birthday at work unless they explicitly tell me.)


----------



## stro

Oh wow, he got you a thoughtful birthday gift....? Yeah he was having a one sided emotional affair with you. You are making a great decision to steer clear outside of normal work stuff.


----------



## TRy

nightowl_f said:


> It sounds like his behavior speaks more about the lack of communication between him and his wife


 You are wrong when you say that "It sounds like his behavior speaks more about the lack of communication between him and his wife", as it more about how he communicates with his wife when he has you in his life. In fact most cheated on spouses first get a feeling in their gut that something is wrong because of this lessening of communications between them and their cheating spouse.


----------



## nightowl_f

TRy said:


> nightowl_f said:
> 
> 
> 
> It sounds like his behavior speaks more about the lack of communication between him and his wife
> 
> 
> 
> You are wrong when you say that "It sounds like his behavior speaks more about the lack of communication between him and his wife", as it more about how he communicates with his wife when he has you in his life. In fact most cheated on spouses first get a feeling in their gut that something is wrong because of this lessening of communications between them and their cheating spouse.
Click to expand...

Maybe. It’s hard to say. I do know he attends game nights, so that keeps him out of the house until very late a lot.

I doubt their distance started with me. I was just a pleasant distraction for him for a few months because I’m friendly, was enjoying his company, and taking an interest in what he had to say.


----------



## I shouldnthave

TRy, I think you are getting a lot of pouncing on by betrayed spouses here.

I have been on both sides of the coin, cheated on, and in shoes like yours, so I see it from a different perspective.

Maybe some will scream and yell to the high heavens that I am wrong.

But people in perfect marriages do not look to cheat. They do not seek opposite sex emotional connections and attention if everything is just dandy at home.

It's not some evil Scarlett, some seductresses, some handsome alpha males fault that a married person starts crossing boundaries that they shouldn't.

That is the MARRIED PERSONS FAULT.

Like I said before, his wife is quite lucky that you are nipping this in the bud - but I have a feeling he will just look elsewhere. He has a hole he is trying to fill. Yes that is his problem, probably not his wife, but you most certainly did not create it.


----------



## Prodigal

nightowl_f said:


> I don’t plan on having a conversation.
> 
> I don’t want him to think I care enough to have a conversation. This really boils down to a marital issue and something that he needs to work out with his wife. There is definitely a lot of emotional distance between them. Not my problem.


I'm in total agreement with ^^this.^^ But what are you going to do if he flat out asks you why you are distancing yourself from him? Granted, he may never do that, but if he does ....


----------



## TRy

nightowl_f said:


> I doubt their distance started with me. I was just a pleasant distraction for him for a few months because I’m friendly, was enjoying his company, and taking an interest in what he had to say.


Many men see a “friendly” woman “enjoying his company” as she takes an “interest in what he” has to say, as a woman flirting with him. If he sees her as attractive, very pleasant and addictive new relationship brain drugs will be released by his body. Studies show this to be normal. A person that has solid boundaries will walk away, but someone that does not have solid boundaries will come back like an addicts for more. There is little a spouse can do to give them this drug because over a period of approximately 6 years this drug will weaken and then stop being released.

Even the spouse that walks away will be impacted by this drug rush as they notice that their spouse’s attention will not give them this new relationship brain drug anymore. Thus begins the subconscious comparison between the spouse and the other woman that will hurt the marriage relationship.


----------



## nightowl_f

Prodigal said:


> I'm in total agreement with ^^this.^^ But what are you going to do if he flat out asks you why you are distancing yourself from him? Granted, he may never do that, but if he does ....


I don’t think he will. I think he views himself as a victim of his wife’s rage. I don’t see him getting upset with me, but I could see him resenting his wife for disrupting the dynamic we had before.

Last weekend, he texted me that “It will blow over.” (In reference to he and his wife having an argument about hanging out with me.)


----------



## nightowl_f

TRy said:


> Many men see a “friendly” woman “enjoying his company” as she takes an “interest in what he” has to say, as a woman flirting with him. If he sees her as attractive, very pleasant and addictive new relationship brain drugs will be released by his body. Studies show this to be normal. A person that has solid boundaries will walk away, but someone that does not have solid boundaries will come back like an addicts for more. There is little a spouse can do to give them this drug because over a period of approximately 6 years this drug will weaken and then stop being released.
> 
> Even the spouse that walks away will be impacted by this drug rush as they notice that their spouse’s attention will not give them this new relationship brain drug anymore. Thus begins the subconscious comparison between the spouse and the other woman that will hurt the marriage relationship.


Okay, that does make sense. I do believe he was getting a rush and thrill out of texting me these past few months - even as recently as three days ago before I decided I don’t want this type of interaction in my life anymore.

I would respond very quickly to his texts and keep the conversation going - this was probably giving him a “Pavlov’s Dog” effect in his brain. He would text me a lot. A part of me thinks he hasn’t deleted the texts and still reads through them.


----------



## NJ2

TRy said:


> Many men see a “friendly” woman “enjoying his company” as she takes an “interest in what he” has to say, as a woman flirting with him. If he sees her as attractive, very pleasant and addictive new relationship brain drugs will be released by his body. Studies show this to be normal. A person that has solid boundaries will walk away, but someone that does not have solid boundaries will come back like an addicts for more. There is little a spouse can do to give them this drug because over a period of approximately 6 years this drug will weaken and then stop being released.
> 
> Even the spouse that walks away will be impacted by this drug rush as they notice that their spouse’s attention will not give them this new relationship brain drug anymore. Thus begins the subconscious comparison between the spouse and the other woman that will hurt the marriage relationship.


I agree. It does not get the WS off the hook by any means. They are still the ones making the decision to cheat but the hits of dopamine being sent by the OW/OM are what lights the fire under the new "friendship". I have been on both sides of the coin. To say its like being lured in by crack is an understatement. 

It was not who I was morally or ethically. It was a breach of conduct for me. Every time I saw OM or received any type of communication from him it was like being shot up with adrenalin. I was a giddy teenager with the sweaty palms of infatuation. I could hardly eat, sleep or breath without thinking of him. To compare my H to this guy at the time- he failed miserably. H didnt listen to me, h didnt look me in the eye when he spoke to me, H didnt laugh at my jokes, H was always busy helping others (church, his family, my family, his friends) H would not pay attention to every detail of my day, .... in retrospect......
H is rediculously good looking-OM is OK at best.
H had the body of an athlete- OM had an early beer gut and was a bit squishy in general
H was kind and generous (a typical KISA)- OM had an edge to his speech who spoke with bitterness towards women
H was not into porn -no vulgar jokes -OM was a porn enthusiast often littering his speech with sexual references and jokes that made others uncomfortable
H was religious - OM was anti religion
H was in it for the long haul- OM I'm sure was not despite what he would imply
H was forgiving- OM had many longstanding grudges ....
H was amazing in the bedroom a completely unselfish lover- (OM and I did not have PIV or oral )but judging by what we did engage in -he didnt seem particularly astute 

So what on earth was the attraction? It was those ego kibbles, that rush of intoxication any time he gave me attention, that sense that in someone else's eyes I was once again chosen and pursued. The validation, the admiration, the feeling of being the most interesting woman in the room....The thing that was missing in our marriage was attention and conversation. Surely I could have gotten that from H if I'd tried harder to communicate my needs. If we had gone to MC at the time.... surely I could have been more mature and less selfish-I am disgusted with the petty neediness that I must have had to behave in this way.

What I couldnt have gotten from H as TRy explains so well -were those chemical brain explosions. That is what kept me going back. I dont think my boundaries were necessarily weak -I think my brain was seeking dopamine. So when I came across something that flooded it well ..that felt pretty amazing. It was almost the hardest thing I have ever done to break off the A. I literally was down on my hands and knees weeping, praying for help to get through it and to do the right thing, I prayed for forgiveness. To give it up was to give up the drug that youve become addicted to. 

Does this mean it wasnt my fault? Of course not. I could have stopped it at every point along the way. I could have said no to all the group coffees, dinners, and beers where we were alone in a group. We were with others but chose to sit exclusively with each other. I could have stopped responding to all the notes coming my way (the equivalent of text bombing now) I could have noted those chemical feelings starting to form and run the other way. I could have told my H and went to MC to figure out how to handle it together. There are choices to make along the way.

long before the addict takes the first pull on a pipe- the addict chooses to hang out with dubious people, does not go to IC to address personal weaknesses or mental health issues, dabbles in some soft drugs to test the waters, accepts that drugs are an easy way to fill the hole, makes excuses for their increasing drug seeking behaviour. Slippery slope.


----------



## NJ2

I shouldnthave said:


> I know.. you are talking about being triggered, and that its a different situation.
> 
> But you realize that your husband is 100% responsible for all of that right? That he is the one that doesn't maintain boundaries. That he is the one that has invited in appropriate interaction.
> 
> That it is your husband who is married, and therefore shouldn't be behaving as a single person.
> 
> I don't know - I have been cheated on, and I never blamed "her". Even after they were exposed, even after I told her to get lost. It was my husband that was the problem, her? She has no obligations to me, HE did. HE was the one that stepped out.
> 
> And I have cheated myself - was it the OM's fault? Not in the slightest. I CHOOSE to accept his attention. I choose to allow boundaries to be breached, I choose to go through that door after he opened it.
> 
> Sure, the wife of the OP here is very lucky that the OP is being the better person and closing the door on him. But honestly, until he is fixed, or their marriage is fixed - he will just find someone else to "connect" with.
> 
> Because now he has gotten a taste of something he is desperately missing - and he will attempt to fill that void.


I agree with much of what you are saying. I have been on both sides as well. So yes it is 100% the WS fault. I blame H 100% for making his choices. I also blame the OW. Because she has no marital contract with me doesnt mean she is off the hook. She has an obligation as an empathetic human being to not willfully act in a way that will interfere in other peoples marriages. She has an obligation to look at her own behaviours and evaluate them for their merit in the world. When she is offering attention, admiration, and companionship to a married man she must realize that she is receiving the same and by doing so she is depleting his primary relationship.

I think there are many women who seek to validate themselves through the attention of married men. It is a bit of a game. Look what I can do. I'm so (fill in the blank) that I can lure the interest of a man who is married. They may not have a sexual interest in the man but they have an emotional one. Often the man is older and offers a bit of a fatherly figure to their daddy issues. They receive a bit of satisfaction over being able to cause fights and disrupting the marital home.


----------



## minimalME

NJ2 said:


> I agree with much of what you are saying. I have been on both sides as well. So yes it is 100% the WS fault. I blame H 100% for making his choices. I also blame the OW. Because she has no marital contract with me doesnt mean she is off the hook. She has an obligation as an empathetic human being to not willfully act in a way that will interfere in other peoples marriages. She has an obligation to look at her own behaviours and evaluate them for their merit in the world. When she is offering attention, admiration, and companionship to a married man she must realize that she is receiving the same and by doing so she is depleting his primary relationship.


What a great post!!!


----------



## nightowl_f

And now he texted me this morning, wishing me a happy birthday. He told me this before I left work on Friday. Seriously? Did he really think it was necessary to tell me again? Doesn’t make sense at all.


----------



## NJ2

nightowl_f said:


> And now he texted me this morning, wishing me a happy birthday. He told me this before I left work on Friday. Seriously? Did he really think it was necessary to tell me again? Doesn’t make sense at all.


Yes, yes it does ........to quote your first original post.......


----------



## NJ2

nightowl_f said:


> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually.
> 
> We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> 
> I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.
> 
> So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level.
> 
> We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”
> 
> I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual.
> 
> I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?



why wouldnt he repeat the salutation a second time to someone who -to quote you in brief-
1.gets along really well with him
2.finds him kind, goofy, loves his sense of humour, finds him awesome
3.talks to him throughout the day
4. emails him funny things
5. eats her lunch with him
6. takes her breaks with him
7. talks about history , lives , things in the news
8 .texts him every evening
9. hung out for happy hour after work at a bar with him and had a bite and found this experience to be awesome
10. feels they connect on a deeper level
11. views him as a good friend and confident
12. doesn't want to lose his friendship even though it has already caused a blow up in his marriage
13 notes (proudly?) that even though their friendship caused his wife to "flip out" he is texting her even more frequently-in fact all weekend


Really? You now think it odd that he says happy birthday a 2nd time to you? You are portraying yourself as being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like you were loving the attention from married guy and encouraged it or at least didnt discourage it. I know you are triggering me and I am trying to separate my own issues but.....


----------



## minimalME

NJ2 said:


> Really? You now think it odd that he says happy birthday a 2nd time to you? You are portraying yourself as being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like you were loving the attention from married guy and encouraged it or at least didnt discourage it.


I agree with this assessment.

And some sort of satisfaction is _still_ being gained. Which I understand, but I think it'd be wise to block him on your phone and begin your own emotional withdrawal.


----------



## just got it 55

nightowl_f said:


> In fact, just today, right in front of him, three of us plan on going out to lunch together and he was sitting nearby and I didn’t look up at all. I focused my attention on the two other coworkers. No one looked his way to invite him.
> 
> Later, before I left the office today, he stopped by very awkwardly and said, “Hope you have a nice birthday weekend!” I said, “oh! Thanks. Have a great weekend.”
> 
> (Keep in mind, a couple weeks ago he gave me a birthday gift of stawberry candies when he realized they are my favorite. I was flattered that he had remembered at the time, but now I realize he was thinking way too much about me to even give me a gift. (I literally don’t know anyone’s birthday at work unless they explicitly tell me.)


Night O Just be certain that you are able to admit to yourself that you enjoyed his attention

If that is/was the case

55


----------



## Evinrude58

nightowl_f said:


> And now he texted me this morning, wishing me a happy birthday. He told me this before I left work on Friday. Seriously? Did he really think it was necessary to tell me again? Doesn’t make sense at all.


Yes, it makes total sense—- if he is just as infatuated with you and getting his jollies from the attention of a younger, likely hotter lady than his wife.

It does make sense indeed.


----------



## Evinrude58

NJ2 said:


> why wouldnt he repeat the salutation a second time to someone who -to quote you in brief-
> 1.gets along really well with him
> 2.finds him kind, goofy, loves his sense of humour, finds him awesome
> 3.talks to him throughout the day
> 4. emails him funny things
> 5. eats her lunch with him
> 6. takes her breaks with him
> 7. talks about history , lives , things in the news
> 8 .texts him every evening
> 9. hung out for happy hour after work at a bar with him and had a bite and found this experience to be awesome
> 10. feels they connect on a deeper level
> 11. views him as a good friend and confident
> 12. doesn't want to lose his friendship even though it has already caused a blow up in his marriage
> 13 notes (proudly?) that even though their friendship caused his wife to "flip out" he is texting her even more frequently-in fact all weekend
> 
> 
> Really? You now think it odd that he says happy birthday a 2nd time to you? You are portraying yourself as being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like you were loving the attention from married guy and encouraged it or at least didnt discourage it. I know you are triggering me and I am trying to separate my own issues but.....


Yeah, this..... exactly.


----------



## Openminded

Close friendships at work can be marriage killers. My marriage was a casualty of my husband's poor boundaries and his endless need for attention.


----------



## nightowl_f

NJ2 said:


> why wouldnt he repeat the salutation a second time to someone who -to quote you in brief-
> 1.gets along really well with him
> 2.finds him kind, goofy, loves his sense of humour, finds him awesome
> 3.talks to him throughout the day
> 4. emails him funny things
> 5. eats her lunch with him
> 6. takes her breaks with him
> 7. talks about history , lives , things in the news
> 8 .texts him every evening
> 9. hung out for happy hour after work at a bar with him and had a bite and found this experience to be awesome
> 10. feels they connect on a deeper level
> 11. views him as a good friend and confident
> 12. doesn't want to lose his friendship even though it has already caused a blow up in his marriage
> 13 notes (proudly?) that even though their friendship caused his wife to "flip out" he is texting her even more frequently-in fact all weekend
> 
> 
> Really? You now think it odd that he says happy birthday a 2nd time to you? You are portraying yourself as being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like you were loving the attention from married guy and encouraged it or at least didnt discourage it. I know you are triggering me and I am trying to separate my own issues but.....


I don’t want anything to do with him. I think you missed my post that I have stopped texting him this week and I am going to keep our work interactions on a professional level within work hours. And that I will only interact socially during work hours in group environments.


----------



## nightowl_f

I have clearly stated I am no longer engaging with him now that I have a better sense that I was entering emotional cheating territory. Yes, I was naive. I admitted that, but a few days ago I admitted that this was wrong and I won’t be engaging anymore with him. 

I have not responded to this current text or the one he sent me on Thursday. 

I have said I am no longer interested in his drama. I don’t “want” him.


----------



## nightowl_f

I only said that his morning text doesn’t make any sense at all because -

1) I never responded to his text on Thursday.

2) He already wished me happy birthday before I left the office. My office is nowhere near his, but he did the long loop over. He could have simply wished me happy birthday while several coworkers were talking before heading out of the office.


----------



## Openminded

He's not ready to give up. He still hopes things will return to the way they were.


----------



## lifeistooshort

He's still fishing.

If you continue to ignore him he'll stop.


----------



## Diana7

Boundaries are so important if one of you is married. When my husband was with his first wife, a recently divorced lady was showing him rather too much interest. He recognised this and made sure he kept his distance and was polite but cool with her. Its vital to nip these things in the bud.


----------



## TRy

nightowl_f said:


> I have clearly stated I am no longer engaging with him now that I have a better sense that I was entering emotional cheating territory. Yes, I was naive. I admitted that, but a few days ago I admitted that this was wrong and I won’t be engaging anymore with him.
> 
> I have not responded to this current text or the one he sent me on Thursday.
> 
> I have said I am no longer interested in his drama. I don’t “want” him.


I appreciate that you have made the decision to take a new path with him, and I commend you for it. That said, the issue remains that he has not made such a decision, and he is still very much addicted to you based on your past actions. Depending on how much of an addictive personality he has, he will continue to long for and pursue a relationship with you for a very long time. Sadly, he will blame his wife for ruining his relationship with you, and resent her for it. He is thinking that since there was no sex, his wife was just being jealous and controlling. You are now doing the right thing, but that does not immediately make everything better. Damage has been done.


----------



## stro

NJ2 said:


> nightowl_f said:
> 
> 
> 
> I get along really well with one of my coworkers. He’s a married man, about 53, kind, goofy. I love his sense of humor. I think he’s awesome, to be completely honest. We talk throughout the work day, email each other funny things, eat lunch together, take breaks together. It’s really nice. We talk about history, our lives, things we’ve seen in the news. Nothing sexual or inappropriate. Occasionally he will mention what his wife is doing. He’s doing that a bit more now, actually.
> 
> We also text each other almost every evening. Again, nothing sexual or inappropriate.
> 
> I’m 34 and not physically attracted to him.
> 
> So recently he and I hung out after work at a bar for a bite. And it was awesome. That feeling when you connect with someone on a deeper level.
> 
> We parted ways and he got home at about 9pm. He’s an honest guy, so when his wife asked him where he was he said he was at happy hour with a coworker. When he mentioned it was me, she flipped out. He told me all of this via text and said things “were ok and they’ll boil over eventually.”
> 
> I would think that would keep him from texting me, but in fact after his wife’s blow-up, he texted me the entire weekend, more frequently than usual.
> 
> I view him as a good friend and confidant at work. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Do I need to keep my distance?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> why wouldnt he repeat the salutation a second time to someone who -to quote you in brief-
> 1.gets along really well with him
> 2.finds him kind, goofy, loves his sense of humour, finds him awesome
> 3.talks to him throughout the day
> 4. emails him funny things
> 5. eats her lunch with him
> 6. takes her breaks with him
> 7. talks about history , lives , things in the news
> 8 .texts him every evening
> 9. hung out for happy hour after work at a bar with him and had a bite and found this experience to be awesome
> 10. feels they connect on a deeper level
> 11. views him as a good friend and confident
> 12. doesn't want to lose his friendship even though it has already caused a blow up in his marriage
> 13 notes (proudly?) that even though their friendship caused his wife to "flip out" he is texting her even more frequently-in fact all weekend
> 
> 
> Really? You now think it odd that he says happy birthday a 2nd time to you? You are portraying yourself as being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like you were loving the attention from married guy and encouraged it or at least didnt discourage it. I know you are triggering me and I am trying to separate my own issues but.....
Click to expand...

From my perspective the OP has taken some great advice, applied it and very much plans to stick with it. It sounds like she just enjoyed the friendship. Nothing more. I don’t think it’s fair to project anyone else’s situation on to her. 

Men and Women typically view opposite sex friendships differently. Men are much more likely to see their female friends as potential mates, even subconsciously. It’s how we’re built, thus the need for solid boundaries. Now I’m not saying many women aren’t the same way, but that mindset is way more prevalent among men. 

I give the OP the benefit of the doubt. She doesn’t seem even remotely emotionally connected to this dude. She enjoyed his company like any other friend. Upon realizing the predicament she was in she was happy to end contact. As she should have. That’s respectable. End of story.


----------



## nightowl_f

TRy said:


> He is thinking that since there was no sex, his wife was just being jealous and controlling. You are now doing the right thing, but that does not immediately make everything better. Damage has been done.


You are right. His reaction to when she rightly flipped out about our after work hang out was that she was irrational and unreasonable.

I’ve spent some time reading about this. Secretly texting anyone while married is toxic. Even if the conversation is completely mundane. One advice column describes it as inviting someone into your house and speaking privately without telling your spouse.


----------



## Evinrude58

nightowl_f said:


> You are right. His reaction to when she rightly flipped out about our after work hang out was that she was irrational and unreasonable.
> 
> I’ve spent some time reading about this. Secretly texting anyone while married is toxic. Even if the conversation is completely mundane. One advice column describes it as inviting someone into your house and speaking privately without telling your spouse.


Just to be clear, you have LiSTENED and made an informed decision about this man. Kudos to you for having enough insight to look for advice, and to have the wisdom to actually consider what you’ve read.

I think you’re starting to see our perspective on this. What’s really going to be a eye opener for you is when he continuously pursues you and you find out just how smitten he is.

Honestly, I sadly doubt that this guy’s wife even remotely flips his switch like you do for him.
He’s of too low character or lacks enough introspection to see what has happened and how shameful it is, what he has done to his marriage.
As far as the inner mechanics of a good marital relationship, he has sabotaged his own feelings for his wife and therefore utterly betrayed her.

It’s like I read a wise man say once—- lusting after another woman in one’s heart is just as dangerous and sinful (destructive) as actually physically cheating.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy stalks you and eventually flat out professes his love for you.

In the future, you will hopefully realize that you are a very beautiful woman and highly desirable to a lot of men (no matter what you look like), and some may not help developing feelings for you. It’s just nature.

Good luck.
Great job handling this situation as you have, although as you’ve discovered, maybe handling it a little late.


----------



## lifeistooshort

TRy said:


> I appreciate that you have made the decision to take a new path with him, and I commend you for it. That said, the issue remains that he has not made such a decision, and he is still very much addicted to you based on your past actions. Depending on how much of an addictive personality he has, he will continue to long for and pursue a relationship with you for a very long time. Sadly, he will blame his wife for ruining his relationship with you, and resent her for it. He is thinking that since there was no sex, his wife was just being jealous and controlling. You are now doing the right thing, but that does not immediately make everything better. Damage has been done.


I'd bet he likes it when his wife flips out.

Now, from his perspective, he's so great that two women want him and at least one doesn't want to share him. 

The jealous and controlling label is often used to avoid dealing with legitimate boundary issues. 

OP has been enjoying this too..... it's just that she's now facing what's really going on, to her credit.


----------



## nightowl_f

lifeistooshort said:


> Now, from his perspective, he's so great that two women want him and at least one doesn't want to share him.


This actually made me laugh out loud! He is in his 50’s, very overweight, and I’ve described him as an uncle to more than one person.

I’m not remotely attracted to him or ever thought that he “was cute for his age.”


----------



## TRy

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s like I read a wise man say once—- lusting after another woman in one’s heart is just as dangerous and sinful (destructive) as actually physically cheating.


The “wise man” that you are paraphrasing is Jesus as quoted by Matthew in the King James Version of the Bible: “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”. This quote from the Bible was made famous by Jimmy Carter in of all things a Playboy Magazine interview.


----------



## Evinrude58

Just for argument’s sake:

I’m no especially handsome guy. I don’t see women being attracted to me...
But it happens...

all these things youve described that you like about the guy—-/ they would likely make the right woman head over heels for him and thing he’s the finest looking thing ever..,

Again, what YOU think, and how you treated him...... made him believe you were really thinking he was a hot looking dude.

I mean, you did meet him after work at a bar and enjoyed his company. 
That
Was 
A 
Date.

You dated a married dude.

Now,whether you had romantic intentions is unimportant. He did. And he liked the heck out of it. He wants more.


----------



## Evinrude58

TRy said:


> The “wise man” that you are paraphrasing is Jesus as quoted by Matthew in the King James Version of the Bible: “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”. This quote from the Bible was made famous by Jimmy Carter in of all things a Playboy Magazine interview.


Yes, I knew who He is and didn’t remember the exact quote, so I didn’t want to say that.... 
I think there’s a pretty good penalty for misquoting the author in that case!😊

But as usual, Jesus is right on...


----------



## TRy

nightowl_f said:


> This actually made me laugh out loud! He is in his 50’s, very overweight, and I’ve described him as an uncle to more than one person.
> 
> I’m not remotely attracted to him or ever thought that he “was cute for his age.”


First read all of the positive things that you said about him in your first post to this thread to understand what he rightfully believes you felt about him. Then try to understand what having a young attractive women feel this way about him did for his ego, and just how much brain drugs this would induce in an older man that suddenly felt young again. This is his reality.


----------



## nightowl_f

Evinrude58 said:


> Just for argument’s sake:
> 
> I’m no especially handsome guy. I don’t see women being attracted to me...
> But it happens...
> 
> all these things youve described that you like about the guy—-/ they would likely make the right woman head over heels for him and thing he’s the finest looking thing ever..,
> 
> Again, what YOU think, and how you treated him...... made him believe you were really thinking he was a hot looking dude.
> 
> I mean, you did meet him after work at a bar and enjoyed his company.
> That
> Was
> A
> Date.
> 
> You dated a married dude.
> 
> Now,whether you had romantic intentions is unimportant. He did. And he liked the heck out of it. He wants more.


I understand, but I think there were a few commenters on here who suspected I wanted “more” - that isn’t the case at all. I enjoy his company as a person - but I was not interested in anything beyond that.

I did have a good time when we were out - but that was poor judgment. I seriously regret it. I didn’t take into account that it would mean more to him than just after work bite and conversation. 

Looking back, there was only one thing he said that I didn’t think much of at the time, but could be misconstrued. I had mentioned that I thought some folks might be upset with me because I have to ask them the occasional question during peak times. He smiled, had this warm look to his face and said, “I doubt anyone could be upset with you.” 

Again, lesson learned.


----------



## nightowl_f

And ten minutes after we parted ways, he sent me a text that said:

“Thank you. That was very pleasant. Enjoyed the meal and beer, and especially your company and conversation.”

I didn’t read too much into it and texted back - “ Enjoyable time! Have a great start to your weekend!”


----------



## Livvie

nightowl_f said:


> And ten minutes after we parted ways, he sent me a text that said:
> 
> “Thank you. That was very pleasant. Enjoyed the meal and beer, and especially your company and conversation.”
> 
> I didn’t read too much into it and texted back - “ Enjoyable time! Have a great start to your weekend!”


If my husband were to text this to a woman he had kinda just been on an alone date with, with a history of everyday texting like you two had, and after giving her a birthdat present!! I'm not sure he'd be my husband for much longer.


----------



## uhtred

OP, I think its best if you make it clear to him why you want to stop things. Nothing mean, just let him know that you realized the direction that things were starting to go, and that you don't want them to go that way.


----------



## NJ2

nightowl_f said:


> You are right. His reaction to when she rightly flipped out about our after work hang out was that she was irrational and unreasonable.
> 
> I’ve spent some time reading about this. Secretly texting anyone while married is toxic. Even if the conversation is completely mundane. One advice column describes it as inviting someone into your house and speaking privately without telling your spouse.


Thank you nightowl! This to me says you now get it. The fact that you have listened here and done additional reading to further understand what has gone on makes a world of difference. It shows that you didnt have any malicious intent and -were as you said -naive to the situation you had put both of yourselves in.

I've now been able to separate you from my H's OW by intent and character. 

It also reminded me of a time when H and I were dating that I had taken a course with a group of people. One older guy and I got along quite well and were sometimes partnered together for activities. He was funny, we shared common interests and I admit I liked that he seemed to value my opinions and laugh at my jokes. I was not in the slightest attracted to him. The last night of the course we all went out to celebrate at a pub- had a few drinks - and he offered to drive me home. I accepted. 

When he dropped me off I asked him if he wanted to go up to my apartment for a coffee before he drove home. He said yes. After 5 minutes chatting in my apartment he lunged at me and tried to make out. When I said quite shocked that that was not my intent or interest he tried again- I stopped him and he then stormed out the door calling me a cocktease or some such thing.

This happened 35 years ago. I was in my 20's and he was probably in his 30's (an old guy by my standards) I must have had a similar mindset to you. I did enjoy his companionship. I was probably flattered by his interest and attention but wanted NOTHING more. I felt guilty. He may have even been married....

So -I think I should have been more sympathetic to your situation- I apologize.
I was just sooooooooo triggered I couldnt get out of my own head and see things as they might have appeared to you.


----------



## kekkek

NJ2 said:


> When he dropped me off I asked him if he wanted to go up to my apartment for a coffee before he drove home. He said yes. After 5 minutes chatting in my apartment he lunged at me and tried to make out. When I said quite shocked that that was not my intent or interest he tried again- I stopped him and he then stormed out the door calling me a cocktease or some such thing.


I don't know, when I was a naive college student I thought that everything between two people could be handled by words, and that subtext didn't exist. That inviting up for a coffee usually just meant an offer of a hot beverage. But I now realize that 90% of the population would take inviting someone back to one's place late at night as a sexual invitation. So maybe that guy thought that you were giving him a clear green light with your invitation.


----------



## NJ2

kekkek said:


> I don't know, when I was a naive college student I thought that everything between two people could be handled by words, and that subtext didn't exist. That inviting up for a coffee usually just meant an offer of a hot beverage. But I now realize that 90% of the population would take inviting someone back to one's place late at night as a sexual invitation. So maybe that guy thought that you were giving him a clear green light with your invitation.


Yes I guess he did...but the way he lunged and got angry ...he was a bit of a creep for sure. He culd have said he misunderstood and apologized rather than trying a second lunge like "no" means "try harder"...

I think he was a bit of a minor celebrity at the time on our local cable tv. Yuck - gives me a sick stomach just thinking about it.


----------

