# My husband has totally checked out of the relationship



## mls31

Things haven't improved since my last post (Divorce because of a job). We do have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor, the day before our 4th anniversary (yipee). 

However, I have this huge overwhelming fear that my husband has totally checked out of our marriage. I would be willing to bet that he has looked into lawyers, how he'll rearrange our house once I'm out, and the type of chick he'll want to date. He's already told me about all the great and wonderful things he'd like to do (coach little league, go on more vacations to see his college buddies) that he says I wouldn't let him do. Funny thing is, he's never mentioned any of these ideas in the 6 years I've known him. 

I keep hope in the fact that he was the one to set up our counseling session. But I feel that the only reason he set up counseling is to "soften the blow" for me because he wants a divorce. My question is why even go to counseling when you're so checked out of our marriage? How is counseling even going to help when you're already gone?? Save the money!

I knew our marriage had issues. But I didn't realize they were so big they required us to get a divorce. Life just really sucks right now.


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## preso

Try to work with what you do know and not what you perceieve and of course make your own exit plan.
Don't let your imagination make things worse.


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## Corpuswife

I remember reading your thread...

My H was like yours, but took 24 years to get there, checked out and disconnected. 

MC was a waste as he wasn't engaged fully. You will be able to tell after a few sessions. I believe at first my H went to "try" but was half hearted in his attempt. Later in the MC it was to gather enough strength to say things to me with a referee present.

I really am not a bad person. I am not a fighter or yeller. I allow him to speak. He was so anxiety ridden about telling me anything.

What kind of conversation have you had? ARe you able to be forthright with each other?


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## mls31

We had our first real conversation (over the phone) in several days. We were civil, honest and we actually listened. 

I learned that he has stopped wearing his wedding ring and wants to divorce. 

We both agreed that we have hurt each other very badly and we want to move forward. 

I am afraid that counseling will be a waste of time since he is so set on getting a divorce. But I asked him if he would be willing to go in with an open mind and give our marriage one last try. He meekly said okay. 

At this point, I'm not even sure our marriage is salvageable. To me it feels like I've been rejected over and over for the last 4 years since he ALWAYS put his job before me and never wanted to spend much time together. Maybe I'm seeing the light too. But I'm willing to try one more time.


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## Corpuswife

It's difficult. You just need to do what make you feel better. Know that you tried it all. MC is often a waste when they are disengaged. You are right. 

It's heartbreaking to live through something like this....


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## dobo

Since he's not yet divorced, doesn't he think that taking off his ring is disrespectful? He's still married. 

I'm very sorry for what you're experiencing. Bet there's someone else in the picture.


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## mls31

I do find it disrespectful that he's stopped wearing his ring. It's probably one of the most hurtful things he has done. But I know I'm not going to be able to change his decision. 

He's assured me there is no one else. I believe him but I'm not so convinced that doesn't have a backup plan somewhere. He just hasn't enacted it yet.


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## mls31

I am home this weekend and last night we sat down face to face and actually talked. It helped to talk about things without getting into a heated argument but I'm still VERY confused. 

I told him that for the last 3 years I've felt like I've always been number 2 or 3 in his life. His job was always number 1 and his parents number 2. He said he was sorry and didn't realize I felt like that and didn't want me to feel like that. HOWEVER, he is still picking his job over me since he is unwilling to move because of his "dream job."

He also still wants to be my best friend. To which I said, if we get a divorce, I'm moving on and hope to find someone who will put me first in their life. That had to hurt.

He still thinks a divorce is the best way to go. I'm leaning towards that too but I'm not sue. I still have hope that things can change and work out for us. He still wants to go to counseling. I just don't want us to rush into a divorce and then one of us ends up having major regret.


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## Corpuswife

That talk probably helped a bunch...

However, you both have a tough decision ahead. 

It doesn't sound like he will do any changing. I guess either you change and stay or don't change and leave????


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## mls31

I left today. After our talk last night I realized several things that aren't making me happy:

-Through all of our talking, my husband refuses to change or even look at our situation differently. He is picking his job over me...AGAIN. 
-He told me that his mom wants to apply to a job she found in our local paper (meaning she would have to move 4 hours to our area). He laughed about it, but why bring it up when you know I want to move to be closer to our families?
-Our dog has fleas! I noticed last night when we were talking that the dog was scratching an awful lot. I noticed today he was covered in fleas. Makes me even angrier because I had just bought some Frontline for the cat and dog. Not hard to apply!!
-He hadn't mowed the lawn in the 2 weeks I've been gone. I realize that was usually my job but how about having a little pride in what you own?
-I'm tired of being rejected. 

So I gathered up some clothes, the dog and my cat and I got the heck out. I'm with my parents. He should be happy now because he got rid of all of the "distractions" in his life and can now fully focus on his dream job. AGGGGGHHHH! 

And yet deep down I felt a little sad and upset that he would be coming home to an empty house tonight. I don't know where to go from here.


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## Corpuswife

So sorry..it has come to this...it seems that he has had his mind set. So quick. 

There is nothing for you to do but work on the things that are best for you. Maybe he will come around or maybe you won't want him to after you get the distance between you. Sometimes the distance will allow you to think about things clearly.


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## mls31

If I were him and I came home from work to find my wife, dog and cat gone, I would be completely devastated. But maybe that's the difference between me and him. All he can think about is himself. 

At this point, he's telling me that this is his true self and he's finally understands what he wants. If that is true, I don't want any part of him. 

It just hurts so much to think someone could throw away their love, house and life they've worked so hard for so fast. I still don't understand how it all happened.


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## Corpuswife

The one that doesn't want to work on the marriage and is already checked out...is the selfish one. 

The difficult part is thinking that you know your H and finding out that you really don't. The H that you married doesn't exist anymore. 

I'm sure he thinks the grass is greener. They all do. We will see won't we?


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## variety

Feel the sadness, heartache, anger, resentment and any other emotion you are going thru.

Then move on ...... as long as you try you will find what you are looking for.
And be conscious about how you'd do it again differently. As your H is changed, you have also changed too.


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## mls31

I received an email today from my husband. He is totally pissed off that I left over the weekend. He doesn't understand why. He thought things were better after our heart to heart talk on Friday evening. Now he's saying he doesn't understand why we should go to counseling after I told him his priorities are out of line and that he seems unwilling to change. 

He also told me he found a place online where we can file for divorce... as long as we agree on how to divide up our stuff. He said I could have our dog (which he originally said he'd fight me over). He would even print out the papers and have them waiting for me when I come home. 

Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Now I'm really torn. I did feel slightly better after talking to him on Friday but I realized that he is dead set in staying at his job and doesn't want me around. What am I to do?? He won't think of moving and he won't let me quit my job. Now I'm not sure if he'll even go to counseling or if he'll ever talk to me again. I'm afraid this will get really, really bad. I just want him to realize that it doesn't have to be this way. And I want him to know how hurt I am. I am falling apart.


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## Loving Husband

dobo said:


> Since he's not yet divorced, doesn't he think that taking off his ring is disrespectful? He's still married.
> 
> I'm very sorry for what you're experiencing. Bet there's someone else in the picture.


My wife stoped wearing hers. It had more to do with detaching then another person involved. It's like announcing to the world you are having troubles.


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## brighterlight

I don't get it. He is pissed because you left the house but he is the one wanting the divorce. OK, I am confused - :scratchhead:


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## mls31

Join the club! I've been confused since day one when he told me we should divorce. 

Things are so bad now, I really have no hope for us. He is so warped in the head I think the husband I married is long gone. And that kills me.


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## mls31

We have an appointment with a counselor next week. I'm trying to decide if I should try to contact him and talk to him, give it a few more days for him to calm down and then call, or just wait until counseling?


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## brighterlight

Is he just trying to soften the blow of divorse for himself, for you? It sounds to me as if he is really lost and doesn't really know what he wants but if it is divorce then you might let him know that Mirrium Webster's dictionary defines divorce as:

divortere to divert, to leave one's husband

So he has no right to be upset when you leave. Hopefully, there is some hope left for you to work your marriage out with him. He seems to be bothered by other issues that he is not telling you.


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## knortoh

Loving Husband said:


> My wife stoped wearing hers. It had more to do with detaching then another person involved. It's like announcing to the world you are having troubles.


Yep my husband did the same thing - and I was incredibly hurt.

I think for him it was deeply significant - and it does have the advantage of communicating to the 'other person' if there is one that you are somehow available -

When my husband came back for 3 months after leaving me he used to put it on as he walked out the door and take it off when he got home - it was like a form of torture for me


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## Corpuswife

knortoh: You husband left and came back at one point.

Why did he return? Why did he leave again?


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## mls31

We talked again last night. That was probably a mistake. We discussed the same things and reached the same conclusion: we are on very different pages. We don't know how to move forward. We've agreed to not talk until counseling next week. I'm going to my parents this weekend again instead of going home. 

I am mentally exhausted. One minute I think divorce is probably our best option. The next minute I can't even fathom losing my best friend and the man I love. 

I just saw a preview for a movie I know we would both enjoy seeing. Now, I'll probably have to watch it alone without my husband by my side. 

This has been the worst month of my life.


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## indistressed

Im so sorry you are going through this... but hang in there, you will get to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sugest counseling and try to see if he can understand where you coming from. Dont hold anything back and let it out with out attacking or fighting cause you will not get anywhere good like that. And at the end you can only hope that he can see why you are hurting and why you left and both could work it out. But if he does not care about how you feel or what is affecting you, as much as it hurts (very familiar with the pain) you must let him go and move on. 
You want someone that cares for you and loves you the same, to be there for you through thick and thin. Good Luck!


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## sisters359

Why would you want to be with someone who has never put you first? I don't understand that. I cannot see why YOU would want to be married to him! I would strongly recommend some individual counseling to figure out why you put up with him as long as you did. 

The job is an excuse. He married you without caring enough, and you agreed to it. He may already have someone else, I'm sorry to say. It seems suspicious. But none of that really matters because YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Kick his ass to the curb and walk away with a smile, knowing you will be a better, happier person at the other end of this particular journey!


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## dobo

Loving Husband said:


> My wife stoped wearing hers. It had more to do with detaching then another person involved. It's like announcing to the world you are having troubles.


And yet your wife is upset that you've invited family into your problems...

That doesn't add up.


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## Birdseye View

Your husband sounds like mine - narcissistic. Better to leave now with only 4 years in than wait any longer for him to show you that he cares enough to put you first. Sorry to say he will never put you first. Even if he left his "dream job", he will find something else to be number one in his life, and you'll be even more shattered than you are now because you thought, "maybe now it will be my turn." It will never be your turn. And it's not your fault. People like your husband and mine should come with warning signs tattooed on their foreheads, "Soul Stealer".


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## mls31

You know I never fully realized that my husband was continually putting me second in his life. Yes, I was never really happy that he worked long hours (6 to 7 days a week, 9 to 12 hour days). However, he treated me well, we had similar views on life, he was driven (obviously), and he's smart. It wasn't until all of this that I truly realized where I ranked in this life. 

Now I feel like he's pushing me and rushing me to get a divorce. And for what, I don't know. He wants this over with pronto! I think it's because he HATES confrontation. He's told me this over and over. If we wrap this up quick then there will be little confrontation. 

Have any of you gone through divorce mainly because your H/W rushed you into it? Do any of you feel like your are riding the brake in hopes the other person will wake up and see the light??

I also feel like I screwed up by leaving the other weekend. Maybe I should have stayed and forced him to deal with me. Maybe I should have stood my ground to show I'm there to work on things. He's already told me that he's staying with a friend when I come home this week for our counseling session. Now we can't even be under the same roof??


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## knortoh

mls31 said:


> Now I feel like he's pushing me and rushing me to get a divorce. And for what, I don't know. He wants this over with pronto! I think it's because he HATES confrontation. He's told me this over and over. If we wrap this up quick then there will be little confrontation.
> 
> Have any of you gone through divorce mainly because your H/W rushed you into it? Do any of you feel like your are riding the brake in hopes the other person will wake up and see the light??


Hey,
it is brutal when it all seems to be rushing ahead without your blessing. 

they always want it over with quickly - it's painful - and who wants to prolong pain?

will putting the brakes on help him see the light?

unlikely - 

my H hates confrontation as well - and the way he 'managed' our separation was through taking tiny steps backwards, backwards, away, away, away for years (your H may have been effecting same thing with job) and then when they get the guts they finally decide it's over with no consultation -

I only just realised that those instances where couples 'decide' to break up and they do so amicably must be SO rare - haven't read about many of them on this forum. 

don't fall into the trap of starting to feel responisible - YOU"RE NOT - 

when people like your H are in these situations it seems they take any chance they can to put some of the responsibility for the break up onto you - even though you didn't ask for it at all

e.g. 
out of the blue my husband told me he hadn't loved me for 10 years - and he didn't want counselling -

I told him he'd better leave the family home if that was how he felt.
_his _version of events to his friends and family: 
"K & were having troubles - she asked me to leave" 

Confrontation - who likes it? 

it's sad but true - some people would much rather run away than try and sort things out -

what are you hoping for with the counselling?


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## mls31

I'm hoping counseling will allow me to better understand where my H is coming from. I also hope the counselor will help us move forward and talk to one another. And I hope that we can figure out if this is fixable or a lost cause.

I'm hoping for a miracle.


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## knortoh

Do you know what your H is hoping for?


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## mls31

My honest opinion: he's doing it to make himself look good. He's dead set on divorce but by going to counseling he can say that "we" tried. Although, counseling was his suggestion and he did make all the arrangements.


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## knortoh

Hmmm I am sorry about that -

a good counsellor will work that out pretty quickly unless your H is very good at deception -

on the positive side I am sure that the counsellor will help with clarity - they are usually big on helping you see your 'choices'....

good luck with it all -


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## Loving Husband

dobo said:


> And yet your wife is upset that you've invited family into your problems...
> 
> That doesn't add up.


Yeah you are right., I didn't think of that. I guess she is more upset about telling the people we didn't see on a normal basis. I don't now either. I asked her about why she doesn't wear it. This was on our anniversary day She said the only thing keeping us married is a piece of paper. Obviously an anger statement. Still I said it doesn't make sense cause you ARE married. she didn't say another after that. I asked if she wanted me to wear mine. I didn't afte rthe first didn't fit and could't be stretched and the second she bought the diamonds were loose and I didn't want them to fall out. Now I asked if I can wear it and she said its odd now you want to wear it. Still not wearing one..


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## dobo

Oh, so you didn't wear one, either. In that case, she's leveled the playing field for some reason. 

I would think it is odd if you suddenly decided that the ring had meaning when she chooses not to wear one (or wears it) and has none when you choose not to wear one. I'd wonder about the double-standard.


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## Loving Husband

dobo said:


> Oh, so you didn't wear one, either. In that case, she's leveled the playing field for some reason.
> 
> I would think it is odd if you suddenly decided that the ring had meaning when she chooses not to wear one (or wears it) and has none when you choose not to wear one. I'd wonder about the double-standard.


I never was one to wear anything. It felt odd. So after we got married I gained like 40LBS. It was needed trust me. I was 6'2 and 150. I was a twig. Any way my fingers obviously got some weight. So I had to stopwearing it. I think it was a size 8.. Then some where around 2003 She bought me another one with diamonds and I wore it until the stones got loose. I didn't want them to fall out. So it wasn't really a double standard. I just didn't have one that fit and wasn't going to break. I know she wasn't thrilled with it but she also knows I would never cheat on her.. I didn't notice any difference in women talking to me either way. Everybody I work with knows I am married..


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## Believe

I was wondering if you have researched the counselor your husband found. I would check them out, you can look them up online. Maybe call ahead with a few questions of your own. The number 1 question I failed to ask was "Are you pro-marriage?" That is very important otherwise they will just side with your husband that if he is unhappy just move on. I really messed up with picking out a counselor and now my H doesn't believe in therapy. You really need someone who can help you both look at all the positives not just the negatives in your marriage. Someone who can actually coach you into seeing things and help you to act lovingly towards each other. Best of Luck to you.


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## knortoh

just on the pro marriage counsellors:

my H and went to a pro marriage guy - 

I didn't choose him because he was 'pro' - I actually didn't even know that some were and some weren't.

but to honest - although he tried hard my H just didn't want to commit.

in fact my H now uses the fact that he was pro against me....

"well what do you think he'd say - he's 'pro' marriage" 

sorry sorry sorry for such a negative post.


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## mls31

I have checked out our counselor online. She seems legit. I did not know that there were some who are pro and anti marriage. Interesting. I will have to find that out Wednesday. 

There are some new developments in my situation. 

-My husband texted me yesterday to see if I needed anything from the grocery when I come home tomorrow. He never does that. 
-He also said he mowed the lawn, ran the weedeater and did laundry. Has hell froze over??
-He asked me how I was doing. And I think he was seriously interested.
-He told me that he still has feelings for me and loves me. 
-He respects me immensely.
-He said this has been really hard on him too. 

HOWEVER...
He said he "truly believes we would be happier apart."

WTH? My brain is too tired to try to decipher all this.


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## mls31

OH and one other note worth mentioning. 

He informed me that he is going to a football game Saturday with his buddy. Not just any football game but MY college ALM MATER! The place where we attended several games together before we were married. I don't know how he can go to my college, sit through a game and not think about me. 

And he didn't even think to invite me. And did I mention Thursday is our 4 year anniversary? This hurts. Yes, I understand we are not on the best terms and this wouldn't be the ideal time to go on a day trip together but still....ouch.


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