# Need sex advice from a woman's perspective



## username101 (Jun 14, 2012)

In the beginning everything was great. There was passion, 'surprise' sex...well, all the different types of great sex you could imagine.

What has changed: She cheated, I stayed faithful. I decided to give it another chance. If I were to say nothing, I don't think sex would even be on the table. The only time she seemed to get 'into it' was when I did a photo shoot where she was the model and I complimented her on her sex appeal. I do so regularly but this time was different. That was 3 months ago and nothing since.

I thought perhaps it was my 'direct' approach to the matter, taking control, telling her how it is, showing her how sexy I though she was.

Still, in the 4 (Almost 5) months since, I've seen no attempt on her part to initiate sex. I decided to play the dominate role and said "Let's make Sunday our night. No in-laws, no TV, just you me and something special." I made it clear I was talking about sex.

Perhaps my approach was too hard, too straight?? I figured after almost half a year without it, that there would be some enthusiasm. Instead, 5 minutes later I get "I really don't like that attitude. I can have sex, but I don't like the way you just say "Let's" as though we have to."

So, that killed it for me. Now I don't want to have sex and really have no intention on doing anything. I feel like just giving her the cold shoulder...almost like I was back in high school. I opened a bottle of whiskey to help calm the nerves. I know better than to send email or any kind of message in my current state, everything I feel is saved in a folder for late. It's more of a 'coping strategy' of sorts.

She use to have her hands all over me, even in public (And where we live, that's not really an acceptable thing to do). Since being married and since her affair, I've lost weight, gotten leaner, stronger, feel more confident, healthier mentally and physically. But the 'almost, kinda' rejection still stings.

I work around a lot of young ladies. It seems when you're married and older, you have more 'options'. Never have I ever considered being unfaithful. I don't have it in me to keep that kind of secret from my wife, as much as I hate her at this moment. She knows (From comments, looks, everything) that I think she is sexy (Although I don't when she has this kind of attitude, then it's all out the window).

We're financially stable, I work twice as hard and earn about 4 times her salary. Her job is to keep her busy. I've told her she could focus on something else, something more important to her. Study, take classes in something she is more interested in, work on 'herself'.

In the past, when I bring up sex it always goes the same way:

1. I bring it up after no sex for X months (long time).
2. She says "Why are you talking about SEX AGAIN?"
3. I make the argument that sex is important and my argument is sound.
4. She somehow manages to make the entire argument about something completely different.
5. I try to bring it back from whatever it is she is trying to change it to.
6. I get upset when her arguments make no sense and end the conversation.
7. She apologizes in 'email'.
8. I feel angry and wait X amount of months again before we start the cycle all over.

I've often dreamed and even daydreamed of catching her again with someone else. It would be so easy to let go at that point. Not knowing (And her not opening up) to what is actually happening is causing a big rift in our relationship.

I also fear that catching her again, especially if it were the same guy, that I would come close to killing him (Not her). I don't know if that's a feeling most guys have and always have. Is it something we have to always live with?

I wish my wife were more aware of my feelings but it seems that the more I make her aware the more she changes the topic, the more it becomes about her and something that is totally off track to the actual conversation.

She won't come out and say "I don't find THIS and THAT attractive about you anymore." Or "This was a quality I liked about you but now that's changed." She won't admit to anything being wrong on my end, for anything to change.

I've rambled on...let the comments, advice or criticism start....anything is better than nothing, I welcome all opinions.

I've been told this by my close friend familiar with the situation "Get a divorce. You're responsible for your own happiness." "Your mother-in-law is what is keep her attached to you. Get yourself away from that and she might just realize how important you are." But then I feel like I'm being used to accomplish a task of taking care of someone and only that...and for some reason I don't know how to bring up divorce even though I think that if I could skip the initial days and paper signings, I'd be alright.

Again...respond, don't be afraid of what to say, advice or complain...I've heard it all from my wife...


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I wish I could help.. My husband can go weeks without sex and I'm about to go insane!!! Good luck!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Sounds like your plate is rather full. I wanted to point out that you make quite a few complaints about your wife. In comparison, there is only one positive remark in that you are attracted to her. Being physically attracted to a person can only take you so far. 

Other than a physical attraction, what do you love/like about her? I think this may be a good starting point for you. Make a list of what you like and don't like about her. Then take some serious time and study that list and make some decisions from there. 

What's in it for you to stay and put up with this behavior? If you are hoping to find her cheating, I think you may have checked out of your marriage already. In all seriousness, I don't think happily married people wish for that to be their story. You may already have the answers you need! Good luck.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

She's angry or resentful. *Something* is bothering her and she hasn't had the guts to tell you. She is holding you responsible for her unhappiness for some reason. You could dig, try and force the truth out. If she really wants to fix the relationship, really wants to reconnect with you, you will be able to find a way to get her to open up. If you aren't that invested in her or the relationship, or if she isn't that into you or the marriage, you'll never find out. It's up to you how long/hard you try.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> She's angry or resentful. *Something* is bothering her and she hasn't had the guts to tell you. She is holding you responsible for her unhappiness for some reason. You could dig, try and force the truth out. If she really wants to fix the relationship, really wants to reconnect with you, you will be able to find a way to get her to open up. If you aren't that invested in her or the relationship, or if she isn't that into you or the marriage, you'll never find out. It's up to you how long/hard you try.


Quite likely, but its so frustrating when a souse withholds communication that could change things for the better, why can't people tell their spouse what's wrong? How can anyone address something if they don't know what it is. Even if the reason is just really a BS excuse, at least the other spouse would know where they stand


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> Quite likely, but its so frustrating when a souse withholds communication that could change things for the better, *why can't people tell their spouse what's wrong? * How can anyone address something if they don't know what it is. Even if the reason is just really a BS excuse, at least the other spouse would know where they stand


Cowardice, ignorance, stupidity, game playing...lots of reasons. None of them good.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I decided to give it another chance.


And it failed. How long do you want to live your life like this?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

username101 said:


> I've often dreamed and even daydreamed of catching her again with someone else. It would be so easy to let go at that point. Not knowing (And her not opening up) to what is actually happening is causing a big rift in our relationship.
> 
> I also fear that catching her again, especially if it were the same guy, that I would come close to killing him (Not her). I don't know if that's a feeling most guys have and always have. Is it something we have to always live with?


You do know that you can leave any time, right? You don't have to stick around and be miserable.

Are you sure she is not in another affair right now? Even if she is not, I see someone that has detached from you. She is not interested in reestablishing intimacy with you.

What have you done in response to her cheating? Counseling, transparency, any consequences? Why did she want to stay if this is her attitude? What parts of this have you talked about?

Bluntly, I think your only opportunity to save this is if you are willing to ditch it all. She may be resentful, but she is acting very immature and won't communicate. I think your close family friend has it right. If you need a clear conscious, outline the steps that you need her to take to start working on the marriage (counseling, talk, whatever). If she refuses, let her know that is a deal breaker for you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Cowardice, ignorance, stupidity, game playing...lots of reasons. None of them good.


Not to hijack, but I have given my wife numerous perfect opportunities over the past 5 years to tell me all her frustrations, to tell me what I need to improve on to make her life better, her response is always a tearful.....I don't know. Drives me crazy


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> Not to hijack, but I have given my wife numerous perfect opportunities over the past 5 years to tell me all her frustrations, to tell me what I need to improve on to make her life better, her response is always a tearful.....I don't know. Drives me crazy


She knows. She either hasn't admitted it to herself or is scared to admit it to you. There is a reason and there is a reason why you don't know.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> She knows. She either hasn't admitted it to herself or is scared to admit it to you. There is a reason and there is a reason why you don't know.


So she falls into one or more of the cowardice, ignorance, stupidity or game player categories?


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## username101 (Jun 14, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Sounds like your plate is rather full. I wanted to point out that you make quite a few complaints about your wife. In comparison, there is only one positive remark in that you are attracted to her. Being physically attracted to a person can only take you so far.


At this present moment, because of everything, that's about it. I'm physically attracted to her. I do compliment her on her achievements at work, take interest in her hobbies, support her in her endeavors...but it really does feel, at this time, a bit fake on my part. Whether she realizes is or not, I don't know.

She WAS a fun, cheerful, upbeat, funny, enjoy-the-moment, passionate person. That all disappeared. There's a part of me that wishes she would see what she was and what she is now and go back to that 'better her'....at least better from where I stand.



norajane said:


> And it failed. How long do you want to live your life like this?


I wish I could end it. Then I have dreams of it ending. Sometimes I'm glad, other times I'm not. I've been with her over 10 years. It's not easy to let go...as much pain as she caused me, I wish it could be as simple as "Goodbye." I know it is that simple for some. I guess I don't fall into that category. BUT, something will set me off, I'm sure. I just don't know what.



Tall Average Guy said:


> You do know that you can leave any time, right? You don't have to stick around and be miserable.


I know. It's easier said than done otherwise it would be done. I don't know what keeps me here. Perhaps it's cowardice on part? I don't know...



Tall Average Guy said:


> Are you sure she is not in another affair right now? Even if she is not, I see someone that has detached from you. She is not interested in reestablishing intimacy with you.


I'm not. I was VERY much into her daily plans after the affair. She was as open as I would expect. Then I just felt like "If I have to do this in order to feel secure about my relationship, it's just not worth it." And from there I thought if she messed up, as she did before, I'd find out about it. Without going into too much detail, it would take a whole lot of effort on her part and serious neglect on my part for her to get away with it again.




Tall Average Guy said:


> What have you done in response to her cheating? Counseling, transparency, any consequences? Why did she want to stay if this is her attitude? What parts of this have you talked about?


Transparency is it. She doesn't believe in doctors (Physical or mental). She gave up all her passwords, email accounts, Facebook.

In the aftermath of me catching her she was sad then she tried to make it my fault. I was so angry and sad at the same time I just wanted everything to 'normalize' before I made any serious decisions. She complained about a host of 'issues' which I dismissed as irrelevant, since it was obvious that it was an attempt to shift blame of the affair on me. An example: She asked me to read a book that she felt was important. I did. She didn't realize I had done so and felt I ignored her. I pointed out that I made attempts to talk about the subject and she was 'tired'...then she would move on to another 'reason' we weren't getting along. This was the pattern. The only reason I had no real excuse for was a lack of talking. She was often extremely negative about everything and this got to me. No matter how much of a positive or supportive spin I put on the topic, I "Didn't understand" her...even though it was something as I most certainly did understand.



Tall Average Guy said:


> Bluntly, I think your only opportunity to save this is if you are willing to ditch it all. She may be resentful, but she is acting very immature and won't communicate. I think your close family friend has it right. If you need a clear conscious, outline the steps that you need her to take to start working on the marriage (counseling, talk, whatever). If she refuses, let her know that is a deal breaker for you.


That's what I want to do. While we have no children, I feel like I'm responsible for her mother. Her mother has another year, maybe 2 to live. We care for her at home (No other means are available.) With my salary, we can afford the care she has now. Without it, I don't know what they would do. She's not my mother, she's caused so many problems between us, but for whatever messed up reason I still feel responsible. This is one reason I stay...not the best, but it's really all I can think of right now.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> She's angry or resentful. *Something* is bothering her and she hasn't had the guts to tell you. She is holding you responsible for her unhappiness for some reason. You could dig, try and force the truth out. If she really wants to fix the relationship, really wants to reconnect with you, you will be able to find a way to get her to open up. If you aren't that invested in her or the relationship, or if she isn't that into you or the marriage, you'll never find out. It's up to you how long/hard you try.
> 
> She knows. She either hasn't admitted it to herself or is scared to admit it to you. There is a reason and there is a reason why you don't know.


Agree completely, and have little to add except to say that for years I was afraid to come clean about what was REALLY bothering me about sex with my H. Part of it was that I didn't know WHY I was feeling the way I did, so I didn't think it would be fruitful to say, "When you initiate sex, I feel irritated, turned off, sometimes repelled by little petty things about you." He of course would want to know my reasons, and I couldn't give them to him. 

We'd be through a rough spot in our marriage, but had worked things out and everything was fairly smooth except for the lack of intimacy (sex or otherwise.) He would try really hard to develop intimacy with me by trying to BE with me, but I'd avoid that because I always felt that it would lead to him initiating sex and me giving him the cold shoulder. It made me nervous to let myself relax on the couch with him or accept a back rub or give him a kiss because it might lead to . . . sex. 

It took me years of just working on getting myself happy, then a few more years of me begging him to get himself happy until I realized he couldn't be happy because I'd shut him out emotionally. I'd refused to let him love me, and I'd forgotten how much enjoyment I used to get out of loving him back in a focused and intentional way. 

Good luck to you.


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## whynotrightnow12 (Mar 30, 2013)

She is no longer sexually attracted to you. She has emotionally disconnected from you and without that connection, most women are not able to enjoy sex. She could still do it for you even if she didn't feel like having sex, but she chooses not to. Find someone else who finds you sexually attractive and start fresh. Time to move on and fall in love with someone new.


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## username101 (Jun 14, 2012)

I appreciate all the advice given. It's a confusing time, need to get my head straight, talk to my friend here, figure out a way to fix things (Divorce).


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So in the beginning the sex was great.

Then she cheated. Did you ever find out why she cheated? Did she have fantasies and fetishes that she wanted to do and you didn't? Does she have a HD and you have just an average drive?

You mentioned you were a large guy and she is in great shape. Perhaps she used this to her advantage, he's big, won't mess around on me, I'm hot and I can? He'll always be there?

Is she still cheating on you? Never initiates sex, none for many months at a time?

You've lost the weight, got in shape, leaner, and yes, single younger women do find older married guys attractive because we are mature, stable, and forbidden fruit, want what they can't have and they go for it!!!

You have an evening planned just the two of you for intimacy. No sex for many months prior and she still doesn't want sex?

Still seeing someone else..........????

I've always said, after a while of rejections and little to no sex, you don't care or want it anymore. It comes back full circle.

You make 4x more than she does and she doesn't really have to work, just keeps her busy? Wow, nice and cushy life for her!!!

If I didn't know any better, she is still cheating on you.......check her emails, texts, everything without her knowing. Ever hire a private investigator to know for sure.

Then make your decision, divorce or try and make it work.

I hope everything works out for you.


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## Alexandria (Apr 21, 2013)

Dude, dude, I could talk on this subject forever, but she is just not that into you, for whatever reason. And now she does not want to have sex. Could be something you did, like neglect or maybe she was just tired of you. Whatever reason, you stayed and are trying to work it out, but it is not working. It sounds so dysfunctional and I think a divorce is the only cure. Sorry. Too much hurt and resentment.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Alexandria said:


> Dude, dude, I could talk on this subject forever, but she is just not that into you, for whatever reason. And now she does not want to have sex. Could be something you did, like neglect or maybe she was just tired of you. Whatever reason, you stayed and are trying to work it out, but it is not working. It sounds so dysfunctional and I think a divorce is the only cure. Sorry. Too much hurt and resentment.


Logical and to the point! Good advice! :iagree:


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