# % of TAM posters who are jaded/disgruntled former soouses



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Do happy people post responses on TAM regarding relationship questions? Or do a sizeable chunk of responses come from those who have been maligned thru their own circumstances? Seems in every post I read the naysayers will be first to point out how it won't work or there are ulterior motives or trust no-one.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Do happy people post responses on TAM regarding relationship questions?


Yes.

Amongst some others I'm happy and post responses on TAM regarding relationships.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I was married young and never divorced. No real issues in marriage except the normal little bits of BS. Never anything serious.
No cheating ever on either side.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> I was married young and never divorced. No real issues in marriage except the normal little bits of BS. Never anything serious.
> No cheating ever on either side.


Yeah, similar for me. 
In my first marriage, we married young, had children, good marriage of nearly 30 years until I was widowed. 
I then remarried, perhaps a bit quickly, a few years later as a later life marriage. We eventually decided to end that one, but are still friends and meet occasionally on good terms. 
No cheating or bitter arguments in either case. Both of those were wonderful women. 
I'm pretty damn sure I've never been cheated on or "maligned" as the question asked.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I am happily married, haven't had any serious issues. 

I think for me being on here and hearing some of the horror stories and smaller issues help to keep me motivated to not get complacent in maintaining a strong marriage. 

I do think often responses to posts go very negative and too many people seem very fast to say have him/her served. I also realize many have been badly burned or suffered in really bad marriages for long times and wish they had done what they are suggesting in hindsight.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Happily married here too. It was my in-laws that brought me to TAM, not my marriage lol.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Substituting the word 'jaded' for 'maligned' makes more sense.

If you are expecting a bunch of Polyanna responses, you're on the wrong forum. Take a good luck at the membership.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Happy contributor, here. The maligned not only often start their advising with the "nuclear option" but resort to name calling and labeling if the poster doesn't take their advice immediately. Nothing wrong with their opinion or sharing it, but being unable to accept someone making their on decision as to whether to follow their advice shows a lack of tolerance and cheapens the purpose of this forum.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think there are plenty of happy Khama healthy posters on the forums. I think it seems like there are more jaded unhealthy people than there actually are, because they tend to be very prolific and very… emphatic.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think after years and years of reading the same stories over and over and over on different types of message boards, and the overwhelming *majority* of all these stories ending up pretty much the same exact way, you become jaded to an extent. More so, you come to discover that people really _aren't_ that different from each other at their core, and you can see definite patterns of human behavior that are just so predictable after you've seen enough of it.

I was divorced over 25 years ago and I'm happily remarried, so I'm not a recent BS or anything. But over the years, I've just met SO many slimy married men on the make who have their wives totally and completely snowed. These women are oblivious to who they're really married to because when they're around, these guys are acting like Prince Charming and the most dedicated husbands on the planet, but when these guys aren't around their wives, they're hitting on everything with a pulse. I've seen far too much of it in real life over the last 30+ years, and way too much of it in the workplace, on message boards and in the news and on social media, etc. etc. It's *everywhere*. I've had married cop friends follow me home late at night when I was single and come to my door to 'visit' me (yuk - I made sure to get rid of them quick), married men at work hitting on me, married men on the computer hitting on me, and the list just goes on. 

They're everywhere. And you'd never know it by the lives they lead or the happy marriages they seem to be in. They're just everywhere. Hell, even my remarried first husband has continually hit on me for years.

So anytime someone starts posting that their spouse has stopped having sex with them, has become distant or 'different' towards them or has even mentioned they "need space" or would like to separate 'to work on the marriage,' then yup, I'm going to be the voice of doom and gloom and tell them they're likely dealing with a liar/cheater.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

I post, and I am happily married. It hasn't been an easy 20 years, and before my current marriage I had a few pretty horrific relationship experiences, as well as some carefree and fun relationships. Combined, they have given me varying perspectives, and a lot of experience, which I try to use to help people if possible. 

Typically, I am not a fan of the the quick to judge responses like "they're cheating" or "divorce them now", because we're only getting one side of the story. Although, there are times it is so obvious, it's hard to read it as anything else. There are some cases that are hard, and people should try to tread lightly while replying, ie: If someone is being physically abused, obviously staying is a bad idea. Yet, telling someone "Leave now!" is rarely quite so simple in reality. 

Generally, I try to be open-minded, and realize people often post when they are upset and emotional, and looking for guidance. Sometimes, people just want to vent and feel validated in their opinion, and aren't really looking for advice, but a "You're right!" I have no doubt many partners get blindsided with "I asked people and they said you're wrong!" after someone posts on here. People should be cautious when heeding the advice of strangers. We give advice based on one's person perspective, and that can lead to giving the wrong advice, because sometimes the person posting is being less than honest so that they get the response they want, and not the one they actually need. 

I love my husband dearly, but after 20 years, even I have had those "Why do I bother staying?" days. I think even the happiest of couples go through rough patches. I am only a stranger on the internet, and it is not my place to lob accusations, or give life-altering advice, unless it is so obvious that someone is being abused, of cheated on. I am a therapist in real life, so I have a lot of experience reading between the lines, and seeing what the issue behind the posted content. I get it wrong sometimes, but not very often. I'm not in any way implying my advice is better than anyone else's. I can be wrong. I am not here in therapist mode, and try to avoid it. I am just another person, who sometimes struggles with my life too.

I do think there is a fair mix of people who are jaded, gender biased, and think all relationship issues mirror what they have experienced in their own life, and they reply accordingly. The are also just as many people that sincerely want to help, and really do try to understand where the person is coming from. Mixed in with that are a few who think they are experts, and know exactly how to fix everyone's issues, even without reading and entire post, without any effort to try to give it context, or ask for clarification if needed. They answer, and then argue with anyone who disagrees. You will find yourself skipping over those types of replies after a while. 

So, in answer to your questions, there is a wide variety of personality types posting on TAM. You will get some great advice, some decent advice, and some "Where did that come from!" advice. Take is all with a grain of salt. You, better than any person on here, knows what applies to you, and what doesn't. So, choose accordingly, or ignore it all and seek professional, or a real life trusted friend or family member help if needed.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would think most adults have, at some point, found themselves in an unhappy relationship that ended poorly. Most people take the lessons and move on to be happy again, either alone or partnered. I was cheated on by my husband. We amicably divorced five+ years ago. I spent time healing and learned to be a happy single person for a couple years. I've been in a very happy, very healthy, relationship with my SO for over 3 years now. 

So, yes, I'm a happy person in a happy relationship who posts here.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm in the happy camp. 26 good years, all without infidelity or attempted homicide.

I came to TAM before our 20th, just thinking about marriage in general. It was eye opening to say the least. Any problems we've had along the way were relatively minor and generally brought on by external pressures. They were solvable mainly because we both actually care about each other.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I came to TAM (first under another user name) looking for help with coping and accepting not being able to conceive. Ive had 3 since then, the last 2 unplanned so that issue is taken care of.

I stay because I actually learned a lot. But I'm happy with my marriage although its not perfect we understand that we're 2 impefect people. There are issues that I have discussed ad nauseam but since they are not deal breakers I have accepted and move on. I would be shocked if he had such issues with me though. LOL

I think the negative people on this board are "louder" than neutral or positive thinkers so it makes it appear that most are unhappy.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

I know I'm the man out here. 36 years old, no kids never been married. My brother shared the REGROUP thread with me. Regroup story is very similar to mine but with no kid. My parents didnt have a healthy marriage, they loved each other but kids or marriage wasn't something either wanted. Which is why i took alot of emotional abuse in my 14 year relationship. Jaded or happy you guys teach me alot of skill sets that I was not given growing up. My mother mad e me a KISA/Co dependent. Shes a fun alcoholic, but an alcoholic. I do self medictae but not an addict for substance just with emotionally avoidant women who are selfish/narcassict. We trauma bonded young when we both hated our families. I appreciate all of your view points.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I came here disgruntled but only offer positive solutions from what I have learned from my own experiences. I would never tell anyone to leave or be largely negative unless there was obvious abuse going on. We only get a snapshot into a particular scenario and always two sides to every story. 

There are some threads that I have read where people who have been through a certain situation and come out the other end, they have essentially found practically solutions to their problem, or have been able to either get on with their happy life and find peace. There are other threads that I have read that appear to lean understandably on the bitter and frustrated side.

For example; whenever I read 'bait and switch' I think well of course some people are going to find themselves with a sexually vivacious woman at the beginning of a relationship, and when you settle and get married, the initial rush dwindles, life messiness gets in the way and you have to work on it a bit more than you initially had to. Its not necessarily some machiavellian scheme to deceive you. 

So like anything in life you have to view what people say with a pinch of salt. I am always grateful to anyone who takes time to respond to threads which I have started, but honestly only a 2-3 responses usually feel like genuine wisdom.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I've been happily married for 30 years.

No infidelity.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Do happy people post responses on TAM regarding relationship questions? Or do a sizeable chunk of responses come from those who have been maligned thru their own circumstances? Seems in every post I read the naysayers will be first to point out how it won't work or there are ulterior motives or trust no-one.


I have noticed this too. A lot of people jump to "call a lawyer, prepare for divorce" as their first advice to anything. In one thread, a spouse who had been cheated on, ended up reconciling with his spouse and gave us an update a year later where they were in a good place. Several people in comments were not happy for them but actually seemed angry that he didn't get divorced.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm happily married, 36 yrs.

I came here to learn more about good marriages in general. Stayed for the interesting folks, varying ages, and the nuggets of good information scattered throughout.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first marriage was a disaster. My second is better than I could have imagined. I see both sides of things, as I have experience with both. And, I can always learn something new while sharing my experiences.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Please don't get me wrong- I value all opinions on TAM. But opinions are often based on life experiences, and if that experience is jaded, then so is the opinion.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Not necessarily...?

Then, the advice can be based on personal wisdom obtained when going through the problem.

There is a chance projecting may occur, but there is a chance the wizened comment will projection free, and on point.

Just saying life experiences can color and should be incorporated but many comments incorporate experience yet aren't a product of personal projecting.

May, not do, could be a more fitting theory?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

There are happy people and angry people here. The way you ask the question makes it unlikely for any of the latter to come forward, however.

My un-scientific hunch is that there are a disproportionate % of people who've been burned, or perhaps they're just disproportionately vocal. I'm most convinced of that when people are overly quick to assume cheating, it smells like they want to replay their situation and catch them this time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

13 years into a happy second marriage.Neither of us are jaded or disgruntled. Past is past, forgiven and rarely thought about now. Despite my past, I am still a trusting person and am blessed to know many lovely people with good marriages. I try and see life as glass half full and not half empty, and am generally a hopeful person. 

I would only advise ending a marriage after adultery or serious abuse or some other very serious situation that is damaging the children.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think after years and years of reading the same stories over and over and over on different types of message boards, and the overwhelming *majority* of all these stories ending up pretty much the same exact way, you become jaded to an extent. More so, you come to discover that people really _aren't_ that different from each other at their core, and you can see definite patterns of human behavior that are just so predictable after you've seen enough of it.


 SSGI nailed it. I think this is a huge part of it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Theseus said:


> I have noticed this too. A lot of people jump to "call a lawyer, prepare for divorce" as their first advice to anything. *In one thread*, a spouse who had been cheated on, ended up reconciling with his spouse and gave us an update a year later where they were in a good place. Several people in comments were not happy for them but actually seemed angry that he didn't get divorced.


The median defines the pattern, not the outlier.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

SpinyNorman said:


> There are happy people and angry people here. The way you ask the question makes it unlikely for any of the latter to come forward, however.
> 
> My un-scientific hunch is that there are a disproportionate % of people who've been burned, or perhaps they're just disproportionately vocal. *I'm most convinced of that when people are overly quick to assume cheating, it smells like they want to replay their situation and catch them this time.*


There is much wisdom in your statement. I totally agree.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I came to TAM because of my second divorce in as many marriages, both because of deceptive spousal infidelity.

And while I am what many refer to as "jaded," I do occasionally take the side of reconciliation as opposed to immediate advocation of separation and divorce!

But I feel that my greatest asset is that, regarding infidelity itself, I can definitely tell the difference between an afternoon thunderstorm and when someone is deliberately pissing on my shoes!*


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think the larger question is what life circumstances do we use to define ourselves and others.

I know people who have been through horrible things, including betrayal, and while it certainly affected them, and all things mold us in some ways, it is a period from the past, and they have moved on (thought didn;t forget of course). I think some people get "stuck" when upheaval happens, and it become THE defining point for them. In addition, there is some secondary gain that can come from rehashing the same injustice over and over, especially in a forum type environment.

I have been through some very awful things. I see them as a few of a whole lot of threads that have created the tapestry of who I am (sorry to be so poetic and cheesy). Yeah, some of those threads are pretty big threads, but my life didn't turn on them or revolve around them. Why would ANYONE want their outlook on life to revolve around the worst things that have ever happened to them?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I post, haven’t been cheated on, and am happily married.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I post and have been married for 30+ happy years.
No cheating. Many people post some if you want 
to call it jaded, some not. Some divorced some R.


I think that finding out someone you love and trusted
has betrayed you is very traumatic experience. Seeking 
advice,and options from others can be helpful or harmful.
It depends on what advice you listen to. Divorce or R
is entirely up to the person who comes to TAM. 

People who come here should take the advice that applies
to there situation and use it. Not everything applies to them.
i try and remind many people who come to Tam ,its their life
and use what applies to them. Because when they leave Tam
they still have their life to live.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

No infidelity whatsoever, been married nearly 20 years. Overall a happy marriage with bumps in the road like most. In particular, since you mention in the thread title, I have only been married once, so I couldn't possibly be a disgruntled former spouse 

I generally avoid many of the relationship help threads since often the topic/issue is something I can't relate to. Also, I found reading too many of those threads, you may have a bad habit of taking bits and pieces from those threads that may have some similarity you own situation, and somehow throwing it into your own relationship (at least in your head).

Honestly, I post here b/c I like interacting with other adults, many who are in similar situations (married, kids, etc...), where the topics can be anywhere from relationships to sex to sports to politics to memes to pegging...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> *I post, haven’t been cheated on, and am happily married.*


*And no one in the entire world has more admiration for you, or people like you, than I do!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Happily married for 25, unhappily married for 10, separated January 2018, ETA single early April.

Not cheated, not cheated on.

Just move on... Nothing much else.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *And no one in the entire world has more admiration for you, or people like you, than I do!*


My sweet friend, I haven’t heard if your possible romance has progressed...there is _for sure_ a faithful future Mrs. Arb that is an awesome person (and good in the sack) out there for you. :x


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> *My sweet friend, I haven’t heard if your possible romance has progressed...there is for sure a faithful future Mrs. Arb that is an awesome person (and good in the sack) out there for you.* :x


* Thanks, @Spicy ~ Unfortunately, distance does seem to be our greatest foil, but we have been staying in fairly constant contact with each other!

And from a purely emotional standpoint, I'd have to say that we seem to be pretty good for each other!*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I love my wife and trust her completely, and she me. Our only significant problem is a libido mismatch, otherwise our marriage is great .


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> Happily married for 25, unhappily married for 10, ETA single early April.
> 
> Not cheated, not cheated on.
> 
> Just move on... Nothing much else.


You seem like an interesting person. Just be yourself and enjoy singledom. It will hit you when unexpected.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I love my wife and trust her completely, and she me. Our only significant problem is a libido mismatch, otherwise our marriage is great .


Not quite the same experience as you - but I feel completely the same about my h. Totally not compatible, but love each other and rub along ok. Its hard for us empaths.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Our biggest problem is I love the thrill rides at 6 flags. My favorite ride is "tower of power" at six flags over Texas. Or Iron Rattler at Six flags fiesta Texas. I convinced her to ride superman with me once for my 35th birthday. She wont ever ride it again. So I'm left in the single stand by line riding thrill rides by myself while she goes and gets nachos. That is our biggest separation. That single stand by line is a lonely lonely line. 

Even worse is waiting in line for a roller coaster in silence while everyone is chatting with friends and family. Then I'm a back seat rider, because the back seat is the best ride on a coaster. BUT you can't ride the back seat solo, so they make me switch to second to last seat because they need two people or none back there. 

It's a tough marriage. Lord give me strength to stay strong when we are sometimes worlds apart.


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