# Young, Broke, and Resentful



## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

The title sums up my feelings, but here's what landed me here:

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have two small children, a toddler and a newborn. We're both in our mid 20s with college degrees and our finances have blown absolutely out of control. I've always out-earned my husband, which has never been a problem for me until now. My husband lost his job shortly before Christmas last year while I was pregnant with our son. He started work again a month after our son was born, in June 2015, which required him to be away for the month for training. During that time, he earned a great deal of money, which helped to take care of his part of the household expenses. Before his 90 days arrived, he was let go due to not meeting requirements and I was left as the primary income in our home. I took a pay cut over the summer because of some shifts in my company and I do not make enough to cover both of our car notes, car insurance, day care for 2, rent, utilities, etc. I've been struggling to keep our family afloat financially since 2013, after he took a pay cut as well. My husband has been looking for jobs casually but doesn't really seem to have any urgency even though he knows that I can't keep up with all of our bills. It's like he doesn't worry about things, at least not outwardly, because he knows that I'll find a way to pay our bills by any means necessary. How do I encourage him without nagging and keep my sanity at the same time? I'm only 26 years old but this situation is taking a huge toll on my health, sanity, and the respect that I have for him. When is it time to just give up?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Why are you paying for daycare for two when he's not working? He doesn't care for the kids while you are at work?

What were the circumstances that led him to be let go before his 90 days?


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

He was initially caring for our 3 month old before receiving a job as a substitute teacher. Our child started daycare this week as I thought that he would be working. Unfortunately, he hasn't received any opportunities to sub this week and I've kept the kiddos enrolled in daycare because his schedule would be volatile as a sub. Our 3 year old will remain in daycare either way because it's super helpful for her social and academic development. 

As for his previous job, he did not pass a necessary exam to keep the job. He was required to pass two exams, he passed one on the third try but not the other.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

PeachyKeen said:


> It's like he doesn't worry about things, at least not outwardly, because he knows that I'll find a way to pay our bills by any means necessary.


You are both still very young. At your age I was pretty irresponsible... called in sick whenever I felt like it, didn't care how it affected my job or how people saw me. I have a much stronger work ethic now, but it's something I cultivated over time.

Not excusing your husband's behavior, just saying it's not entirely unusual.



> I'm only 26 years old but this situation is taking a huge toll on my health, sanity, and the respect that I have for him. When is it time to just give up?


It's time to give up after you lay it all out on the line but he still fails to take you seriously. However, FIRST you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about his behavior. Explain to him in no uncertain terms that you're struggling. Don't sugar-coat it. Tell him that he NEEDS to find gainful employment and that he needs to do it quickly. Make him keep records of his job-hunting attempts (who he contacted, the date, when he followed up). Give him a deadline. Even if it's a job he doesn't love, he's got to help earn a living.

Good luck with the big talk!


Quigster


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Quigster said:


> You are both still very young. At your age I was pretty irresponsible... called in sick whenever I felt like it, didn't care how it affected my job or how people saw me. I have a much stronger work ethic now, but it's something I cultivated over time.
> 
> Not excusing your husband's behavior, just saying it's not entirely unusual.
> 
> ...


I agree, but you cannot bluff. You need a plan in case he does not follow through. Be prepared for him to not meet his responsibilities and for you to have to cut him lose.
I know a fair amount about early childhood education. Any advantage a child has from preschool evaporates by the 2nd or 3rd grade. Many children do better at home. I know mine did great. What little children need is a rich environment where they can play to their heart's content. They also need to be read to daily. Being home with her sibling will teach her more than you know as far as social skills. She will learn to consider another person who is helpless and learn to help out at home. It's also good for their relationship, even at this stage.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Quigster said:


> You are both still very young. At your age I was pretty irresponsible... called in sick whenever I felt like it, didn't care how it affected my job or how people saw me. I have a much stronger work ethic now, but it's something I cultivated over time.
> 
> Not excusing your husband's behavior, just saying it's not entirely unusual.
> 
> ...


Thank you! Unfortunately this will be the 3rd big talk.smh


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you CynthiaDe! It would take absolute bravery on my part to actually follow through and leave but I guess one foot is kinda out of the door in a sense that I'm nearly 100% financially responsible for us and the kids at this point.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

PeachyKeen said:


> Thank you CynthiaDe! It would take absolute bravery on my part to actually follow through and leave but I guess one foot is kinda out of the door in a sense that I'm nearly 100% financially responsible for us and the kids at this point.


I'm sorry to say this, but not being responsible for him would cut your expenses. 
If you have already had "the talk" with him and he didn't respond by making a real effort to find a job, there is no point in talking about it further. You don't have to leave. Just file and he will have to leave eventually. Sometimes filing for divorce will bring someone to their senses. Sometimes not. But at least by doing so you will be in a less stressful situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PeachyKeen said:


> Thank you CynthiaDe! It would take absolute bravery on my part to actually follow through and leave but I guess one foot is kinda out of the door in a sense that I'm nearly 100% financially responsible for us and the kids at this point.


There's only one way he will grow up. That's if he has to PAY HIS OWN WAY. 

Kick him out. Let him see what it means to be a responsible adult. Maybe he can come back at a later point as a better partner. In the meantime, what kind of work do you do, that you can do extra of on the side to meet your bills? What's your degree in? 

I know someone who buys things at garage sales and then sells them on eBay; she earns a whole living just doing that.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Dont listen to people who say to divorce him. Think ahead, you have two young children and besides, if you divorce him, you'll probably have to pay him support!

Why did he fail the test? Is he not that bright or was he supposed to study and he didn't, or does he have a drinking/drug problem?

He's a college graduate but can't pass a test that most people can and for which he was training for months?

Doesn't make sense. 

Forget about giving him deadlines and making him show you all his efforts, all he'll do is tell you to screw off because you've got nothing on him. 

Tough situation. People should not marry young. You just don't know the other person and what they're capable of doing or not doing until it's too late.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Show him the money. Show him the bills, the income, the spreadsheets, the negative balances. 

Then ask him whether he would prefer to sell his car or to take the kids out of daycare so he can take care of them since you can't afford both, and he doesn't appear to be finding work any time soon.

If he blows up and offers no answer, then tell him that you will make the decision if he won't, and that you're taking the kids out of daycare. You can't afford daycare when he isn't working. Three is no magic money tree that makes it possible. 

Then tell him you're cutting the cable tv, Netflix subscription, the beer, any and all dinners out, and other miscellaneous expenses in order to stay afloat. 

Otherwise, bankruptcy looms. Do you want that on your credit history? You can't make him find a job, but you can cut your expenses. You need to.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Yes, you two are young, and that complicates things, but my main worry is more about your husband's character.

A man of his age with a wife and 2 kids should (ideally) be hyper-focused on providing. If he was off for training for a month, then is unable to pass a written test, he was most likely sloughing off, and that is unacceptable. This is serious stuff, and failing written tests not something that happens much when you take you job/training seriously.

Obviously, its not for me to say he's a deadbeat, and you should drop him. I know only the tip of the iceberg. I know you've had the big talks about finances to him, but have you had the big talks about being a man, husband, father, provider with him? The "do you have it in you or not?" talk.

What was his upbringing like? What kind of traits and values was he exposed to?


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## alexrcraig (Sep 10, 2015)

Maybe my advice would be helpful. I am near the same position as you, except I have one kid and am only 23. My wife and I have been married for 3 years and I have always far out earned her and this caused a lot of problems in our relationship for awhile. 

First, awesome job on looking for a way to motivate without nagging. I wondered this for a long time. I would always ask how could I structure my environment so my wife wants to work, but I never found a solution. From dealing with this with my wife I learned a few things:

1. I am making too many judgments. I am quick to judge her actions as if I know what she is experiencing. One day I just kind of woke up and realized that I do not know much about her life at all. I am not aware of all of her invisible thoughts. I cannot begin to understand her insecurities, her troubles, her thoughts and more. I have no idea how much her past has truly impacted her. She was raised by parents who let their house go into foreclosure, so she learned to be sort of lazy from her parents. I am not saying your husband picked this up, but trying to change him through the way you set your environment or to motivate him will not be very possible.

2. My wife hates working and is not motivated by work. This does not mean she relies on me because she would be content if we were still poor and bills could not be paid. She wants nothing more to be a mother. Desires are hard to change and can only be done by the person who wants to change. Bringing up the money talk caused a lot of guilt in my wife. Guilt is the worst motivator. It does the exact opposite of what your intentions are. 

With that said there are a few solutions I think you have:

1. Accept his personality and let it go. Keep things the same.
2. Stop Worrying about him and find out how YOU can get a raise, work more hours, or start a side business.
3. Have a talk with him about it does not matter how you feel. I am unsure if this will work. It worked for my wife and I once I learned she did not want to work and wants to just be a stay-at-home mom. I taught her how we do things in life regardless of what we want. Ex: Do you think about brushing your teeth? No, you just do it because of habit and because you have to.
4. Talk to him about job finding. Maybe he just does not know how to job search and get good jobs. It is not that he is not working he just is not working on the right stuff
5. Talk with him about his invisible scripts to help him realize something.

Whatever you never make you should comments. This does not work because it is someone elses will. Make recommendations like, this popular authors says to find a job, job seekers should go out and network. What do you think about that?

Hope that helps!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

What field is your husband in? Perhaps he is not looking in a wide enough area as far as types of jobs he applies for. 

Being young and broke is not a permanent thing. My wife and I married when I was 19 and she was 21. She was a single mom, and got pregnant immediately after we married...

At 19 I suddenly had a wife and 2 kids to support. I made good money, but my job was soul crushing, and I quit when I could just not tolerate another day. 

We got to the point that I had to park my car on a hill when job hunting because the battery was so dead I had to roll it down the hill, jump in and throw it in gear to start it. 

I finally found a job, but when it folded 12 years later all we had was an 11 year old Ford, a 16" b&W TV, $700 in cash and 2 kids in school. 

I found another job 200 miles away, and we moved. In spite of having been left crippled by a motorcycle accident I was able to impress my new bosses enough to get promoted into an engineering position with only a HS diploma....My wife remained a SAHM till the kids graduated HS. She then became a successful AVON rep. She earned $10-20 K a year.....

I have been retired for 4 years. We live in a very comfortable 2,000 sq foot home, I bought my wife a new Lincoln MKZ last year, I drive a vintage mustang, and have a 4WD boat tow vehicle. We are debt free, own rental property, a couple of nice boats, all the material things people think the want or need. 

I would not trade a day of my old "Broke" days...It made my wife and I realize that material possessions can't hold a candle to love. If you truly love your husband, tell him. Let him know you are confident he will be able to support you and the kids. 

If you don't love him, cut him loose, the state will force him to at least pay child support....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PeachyKeen,

If your husband is not working a job, not taking care of the children, what does he do with his time?

How much of the housework, cooking, etc does he do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was in a similar situation except that we were older, late 40's. It was both of ours 2nd marriage. I had my son, he had 100% custody of his children. 2 years into the marriage he lost his job.

The rest of the story is about like yours.

I did the do-nothing types things that some are suggesting. The result was that 10 years later he still did not have a job. I was still the breadwinner, raising all 3 kids and he was doing.. well nothing constructive.

What I learned is that I made a HUGE mistake. It does not matter what's going on in his head.. if he's too sensitive to go out to find a job to help support his family. What matters is that he is not doing what he needs to do and apparently is fine with putting the entire burden on you.

It would be different if you two had agreed to you being the breadwinner and he was being a great SAHD. But he's not.

As someone else said, if he did not have you to support him, he'd have a job in no time. Necessity is the mother on invention. 

You need to take a strong stand with him. You cannot support all of you on your income. He has to get a job or find another way to being in enough income to carry his responsibilities.

Job hunting needs to be his main focus.
He can sign up at temp agencies.
Use craigslist
and on and on

He can advertise whatever skills he has on Craigslist... can he do yard work? The guys around here charge $20 - $30 an hour. They are so busy that they are scheduling out 1-2 months in advance. Those are the guys who have little special equipment. 

What's his education in? What kinds of things can he do besides the area of his education.

There are things that he can do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The deal is, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. Because he found a cash cow.


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

You guys are so young and have accomplished so much already, congratulations on finding the love of your life, marrying him and your young family. It sounds like you are very driven, you are very strong and very responsible. It also sounds like you are a giver, of love, your time and your vision of what you want for you and your family.
As you haven’t mentioned anything about the other areas of your life, such as your general relationship with your husband, how he is with your kids and around the house etc. I would assume that these areas are going ok, it’s the working and financial side that’s frustrating you. 
Your husband sounds like he has also been very driven in the past. He has finished a college degree and has held good jobs. But since he lost his job last year, it seems he might have lost some of that drive and direction. It sounds like he is in limbo and has lost his spark for working. Perhaps you could help him find his passion again, with his passion will come his energy to find work again. You could become curious and ask him questions like “If you could have any job, what would it be? What would you be doing? What type of hours would you work? Who would you work with? Who would you work for?”. Encourage him to dream about his future (what will it look like, feel like etc), and once he has achieved that, work backwards with him to work out a plan on how to achieve that dream.
Also, you could elevate him. He may be feeling low in self-esteem and confidence due to his employment situation. You could have a conversation with him about what you admire in him, what you believe his strengths are, what you believe he is good at, how he is a good role model for his children and what you hope for him.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> PeachyKeen,
> 
> If your husband is not working a job, not taking care of the children, what does he do with his time?
> 
> How much of the housework, cooking, etc does he do?


This is a great question. 

Since I don't work outside the home, I do all of the housework. 

It is only fair and I wouldn't dream of expecting my husband to hire maids unless I was very ill.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I was in a similar situation except that we were older, late 40's. It was both of ours 2nd marriage. I had my son, he had 100% custody of his children. 2 years into the marriage he lost his job.
> 
> The rest of the story is about like yours.
> 
> ...


It is hard to read the future....I had just moved to a new job, bought a home, while trying to sell our previous home....After 16 weeks, my new job collapsed.....650 people fired in one day...

I got on the internet, job hunting. Got an interview, and while I was finishing my coffee prior to going out the door, saw a jetliner fly into the WTC....I made the interview, but they did not call back with an offer for 3 years....

I made do with contract jobs all over the Eastern U.S. It was 5 years before I landed a solid job, and as luck would have it, got 2 offers in one day....One from Garmin, and one from a miniature submarine builder...

I made the grade with the sub builder. They read my resume. and waved the requirement for a college degree.....I got a great offer, and took it. Two weeks into the new job, the VP we reported to called me into a private office and closed the door....I thought..."Here it comes..canned". Instead he said he was very impressed, and gave my salary a nice little kick up....

Prior to getting this job, my wife said I was just "playing on the computer"...When I was job hunting....

I had faith in myself, but must admit my wife's was getting a little thin...


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## Tryinghard09 (Oct 4, 2015)

Peachykeen would you mind if I give you my scenario, and maybe you could relate. BTW I'm the husband that is the sole income,and my wife stays at home.


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