# Restraining order and abrupt Separation



## goodasgold (Apr 25, 2019)

Backstory. Been married for 7 years and met my husband in my city although he was here on business from Europe. Fell in love and filed for him and got him his papers to be here. Presented himself to be a man's man with goals,a saver and going after his own business. All that was a mirage. Still stuck with him and now he's working in the US with a great paying job while I'm not working and going to school.

We are from 2 different cultures where my culture is more abrasive and honest in communication and he is passive aggressive. He always complained that I was being nasty with him when I don't think I was because in my culture it is how we communicate and he always wants someone to sugarcoat and make things as easy for him as possible. I changed the way I talked in some ways but the truth is always there and I think he doesnt like that. 

He wants sex daily and said to me that women from my culture in his experience think about sex daily and he doesn't know why I dont want sex often 7 years into marriage. After those comments to me early in the marriage I stopped wanting sex and only did it for him. I havent climaxed in years but still gave sex maybe 1x-2x weekly along with oral in between just for him.

He became irritated and distant and really selfish but I ignored it and did my weekly sex routine along with cooking his favorite meals and cleaning daily. Got pregnant and he was excited last year and would always tell me he loved me and I was a good wife. My pregnancy was hard but still continued with my routine for him but noticed he was barely involved in pregnancy and more distant. Complained I didn't respect him to be a man and honestly I didn't because he forgets to pay the mortgage, doesnt save and makes bad financial decisions and I can't trust him to lead me but still I labored on.

Baby comes and I get frustrated because he tries to help but leave my baby in dirty diapers all day, uses dirty bottles and after a long day was only wanting sex not considering I didn't eat until he came home and could not sleep at night because my baby was very needy.

My child is 3 months and he gets his citizenship and I notice he is even more distant than before. I confront him and he denies so I ask to see his computer and phone and he told me I'm crazy and wouldn't find anything but I see he has been cheating on me months before I was pregnant! I get angry and verbally abuse, damage property and physically attack him while he is super remorseful and begs for me to forgive as he made a mistake.

I tell him to separate while living together for the baby and I'm changing careers and going to nursing school so I need his help. He agrees to take care of me and baby while trying to win me back but gets more distant after trying for me to forgive and not getting his routine sex and cooking for months now. I've only been focusing on me and baby. Things come to a head when I get angry and he had to go seek medical treatment. He is angry and acting scared for his life when I'm still reeling from doing everything for him and getting cheated on.

Things die down and he goes super distant but I continue on with verbal abuse as I'm still angry. 

2 weeks ago he starts claiming he is afraid of me and can't act normal. I ignore him but tell him to stop playing victim.

Wake up and a knock on the door and I'm served with restraining order against him and my baby! He moved out and didn't see him or my baby for a week until my hearing and his lawyer says he wants a 2 year restraining order with shared custody but no divorce! I say no and suggest counselling and he agrees. 

This week will make our 2nd counselling session individually but have a hearing in June for final hearing on the restraining order on me to make it permanent or not. 

I'm willing to try now because I'm a Christian but he has taken all the money except a few thousand, no contact and living at our other house but says he loves me but I need to change. I'm going to anger management class as well but I feel like in June if he doesn't drop the order I'm fiiing for divorce. What is he thinking wanting a 2 year order of no contact but doesnt want a divorce? Told my lawyer he wanted me to accept plea deal of the 2 year order of no contact along with $500 a month child support but no divorce. I said hell no!

I'm stuck and trying but at this point with counseling and anger management but I can't help but realize he has to have a hidden agenda.HELP!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goodasgold said:


> Things come to a head when I get angry and he had to go seek medical treatment. He is angry and acting scared for his life when I'm still reeling from doing everything for him and getting cheated on.


This sounds like you physically abused him to the point that he had to get medical treatment. Is that right? What was the treatment for?


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## goodasgold (Apr 25, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> This sounds like you physically abused him to the point that he had to get medical treatment. Is that right? What was the treatment for?


don't care to discuss for legal reasons but I kept it honest. We both did wrong but don't think it had to go this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goodasgold said:


> Backstory. Been married for 7 years and met my husband in my city although he was here on business from Europe. Fell in love and filed for him and got him his papers to be here. Presented himself to be a man's man with goals,a saver and going after his own business. All that was a mirage. Still stuck with him and now he's working in the US with a great paying job while I'm not working and going to school.
> 
> We are from 2 different cultures where my culture is more abrasive and honest in communication and he is passive aggressive. He always complained that I was being nasty with him when I don't think I was because in my culture it is how we communicate and he always wants someone to sugarcoat and make things as easy for him as possible. I changed the way I talked in some ways but the truth is always there and I think he doesnt like that.
> 
> ...


How old is your child now? It's not clear from what you wrote.

What is your culture? Also, what country is he from? It would be good to know this to help understand what has been going on between you two.

I think you should have left him when he said that in your culture women want sex all the time so you need to give him sex all the time. There is nothing loving or romantic about that. 

But here you are now in a situation in which you really messed up by being angry and abusive. The best you can do right now is to work hard in counseling and anger management and really change to stop your negative behaviors. And then do what your attorney tells you to do. 

If I were you, I would ask for a custody evaluation. It's a process in which the court appoints someone to evaluate both you and your husband and the situation for your child. They will work for your child's best interest. 

Does your husband have an ulterior motive? I don't think he has an ulterior motive. I think he has a very clear motive.. to get 100% custody of your child, stay married to you until his citizenship is settled and get some money every month in child support.

What evidence does he have that you have been abusive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goodasgold said:


> don't care to discuss for legal reasons but I kept it honest. We both did wrong but don't think it had to go this way.


So are you saying that he was equally as means and/or abusive as you were?

Does he have any evidence that he can use to prove the accusations?

Do you have any evidence to prove that he was abusive?

Without evidence, it's just his word against yours.


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## goodasgold (Apr 25, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your child now? It's not clear from what you wrote.
> 
> What is your culture? Also, what country is he from? It would be good to know this to help understand what has been going on between you two.
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was this the first time you used violence against him?

I don't think it was, was it?

If you want our advice and help please be 100% honest.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm not in his head and he's not here to tell us, so I don't know if he has an ulterior motive or not. I only know I sure don't understand why he does not want a divorce from a verbally and physically abusive woman. The restraining order is so he can stay safe from your abuse. 

I really think you should stop blaming him that you went headstrong into this relationship. It takes time to get to know a person. Everyone is on their best behavior when they first meet and try to give their new partner delightful impressions of themselves. Only time can reveal the real truth, but you didn't give it the time that was required.

Some people need to be taught how to do things, instead of berated over how they do them. They think they are responsible but behave irresponsibly. But he didn't appreciate you criticizing everything you didn't like and tearing him down like that. Nobody would appreciate that, so it doesn't matter how people communicate in your culture. He's not from your culture and asked you to be respectful. Even if you changed some things, you were still awfully disrespectful and abusive to him. So, I think you should accept how he wants to handle things. You don't have to abide by his wishes but instead of suspecting he's up to something, just accept that he has his ways and his reasons just like you have yours. That's the respectful thing to do. You and he can negotiate how this ends whether by divorce or 2 year restraining order w/o divorce or something that might be more of a compromise and agreeable to both of you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I’m confused as to where you guys are. Are all of you living in the US or are you in the Caribbean now? 

Are you in love with him? It doesn’t sound like he is in love with you. Do you think he is? I also don’t know why he isn’t asking for a divorce. Is it something to do with citizenship? This sounds like a horrible relationship. Why are either of you trying to save it?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"What evidence does he have that you have been abusive?
Text messages of me being nasty and pics from where he claim I hit him. I also scratched up his precious car. I admit to that."

That's strong stuff.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

goodasgold said:


> don't care to discuss for legal reasons but I kept it honest. We both did wrong but don't think it had to go this way.


Since you physically abused him, in my opinion you really have no leg to stand on. You assaulted your husband and your only comment is "we both did wrong."

I'm sure he isn't perfect, but i think YOU are probably the bigger problem. I'd get a restraining order too if someone physically assaulted me.

Are you in anger management? You should be.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OP I am not clear on what you are trying to achieve.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP it sounds like your anger and rage started after you found out your husband had been cheating on you while you were pregnant. Violence is never justified. I think you recognize now how deep a hole you've dug yourself. 

Continue to treat your anger issues and work with your therapist to deal with the infidelity in the marriage. Work with your lawyer to get you out of the legal mess as cleanly as possible. And always remember, actions taken in anger will always, always, always backfire. Think logically not emotionally.


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## goodasgold (Apr 25, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Was this the first time you used violence against him?
> 
> I don't think it was, was it?
> 
> ...


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## goodasgold (Apr 25, 2019)

Spicy said:


> I’m confused as to where you guys are. Are all of you living in the US or are you in the Caribbean now? In the US
> 
> Are you in love with him? It doesn’t sound like he is in love with you. Do you think he is? Not sure now I also don’t know why he isn’t asking for a divorce. Is it something to do with citizenship? No, he is a citizen now This sounds like a horrible relationship. Why are either of you trying to save it? Religious reasons and I only became like this after he cheated.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Usually you lead with the he cheated on me, and end up with the I sent him to the emergency room. I have little advice for you but on the off chance that new members get this far. Please tell the whole story up front. (edit: upon review I see that you did include the cheating in your opening post Sorry)

The little advice I have for you. Stop it with the physical violence including the property damage. Sure you are angry, sure you are hurt, but you are only compounding the problem with your actions. There is therapy for this. Your future will be happier if you get a handle on this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's not going to be an easy road, but the choice can be simple. 

For whoever, whatever, it sounds like a split is the safest thing for you and the child. 

Period. 

OP,

It's going to be hard, but think of your future, beginning now, without the H.

There's no reason on earth to stay with another person with this much vitriol in the union.

Best thing; stop trying to guess who's most at fault, who's right or wrong, and plan a life without H from now on.

It may save either of you from legal issues, harm, and souring way past any hope of relations as any future child visitation actions take place.

At minimum save your sanity.

Split.

Have him leave.

Don't go back.

Finish school, move on with your life.


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