# Hello all first post... my marriage, do I have it all wrong?



## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

Hello all I am here to gain some insight on myself, my wife, our marriage and hopefully to make some sense of the mess we are in.

I am really not sure where to begin, there are so many details and so many issues that its overwhelming. 

Her major issue with me: anger, put downs, and feels I have way too high expectations of her

(I agree with the first, the second I feel she is too sensitive as ANY criticism or pointing out a huge mess is a put down for her, and the third... I have high expectations but don't expect perfection but expect more than constantly being let down) 

My issues with her: (she does work and take care of our child so I understand some of this may be unreasonable... its how I feel though)

Laundry constantly 10 or more loads behind, zero organization its EVERYWHERE

Constantly dirty dishes in the sink (I clean what I use as I use it and keep the sink clear and clean to boot, as well as the stove and anything else I use) On top of the dishes there is often rotting milk in a cereal bowl or food going south quickly that just gets ignored.

She will spill something and leave it... I have scraped paint off our countertops, liquid medication, food, drink... Also isn't very smart about setting things in the fridge, spilled a think of cherries in there and just left it for two months. It seems the concept of taking care of something in the moment doesn't make sense to her and I get overwhelmed when it all adds up.

She will use a paper towel and it will sit there for days, trash/wrappers as well... set open food in the fridge, just gross.

I cannot get into my office or our attic because she has shoved so much stuff in there even though I've asked time and time again for her to STOP, we have had major blowups over this. The stairs to the attic are completely covered at the bottom to where its dangerous to try to get in. She has things in the (unheated/cooled) attic that just DONT belong there, food (some perishable) expensive electronics that have ruined in last summers heat. She sees nothing wrong with this or the fact I have a problem with it. 

Sex is twice a month if that. When we were trying for our on the way child she was all about it for the first time in 4 years (since the last child) and now its lucky if its twice a month... This kills and I have had inappropriate conversations with other women on line and asked for pictures and almost hooked up with her. She also found a picture of me at a party with a topless girl next to me playing strip poker. I have never touched another girl although I really have wanted to. I know these things were horrible and never should have happened, I just don't see how she fails to even get the idea of how she was involved in it happening. 

She involves my parents every time we fight, and my mom builds her up and tears me down. Counselors have told her to stop but she will not. She claims to go over there because I am aggressive and violent. Loud yes, verbally abusive yes, and I have on several occasions (over a year and a half ago) tried to break down a door and broken things. I put my hands on her once while she was kicking and hitting me ... hand around throat not squeezing it was just to push her back, no bruises but she claims that I choked her. 

She has called the cops on me 4 times, claimed domestic violence and had me kicked out for a week last summer. She made false claims when she did this.

She constantly breaks me down making me feel useless as a man especially when we are going through tough times. She doesn't seem to get that that's when I need her support the most and that the constant nagging makes me resent her. Issues are commonly ignored by her and she refuses to communicate with me. When we do talk and agree on many of these things she barely acts on it. Then she claims "I'm trying but I'm not perfect". I have tried to explain that me being able to predict failure every time with guaranteed results does not constitute trying. 



I could go on because there is so much more. We have been to counseling, I have gone on meds, church, talking, writing, seperations (she has left me over 30 times in the last 2 years, 3 months at the longest). We both want this marriage to work (in statement) but I can't help feeling like she is either mentally slow or lying. I can't tell if her past is influencing her (broken home no dad) or what. But I feel very strongly that someone who wants to work at something will produce results not excuses. I can go into further details on some of these issues if anybody has any insight. I am hoping to hear what you think and what others experiences may be. I hope I am in the right place, anybody who has read this far obviously is dedicated haha thank you!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Seeing as she is pregnant she will need you to help her around the house not just clean up after yourself. She maybe going through pre-natal depression which she needs to see a doctor for. You acknowledge that you were wrong about trying to find company from other women you need to be there for her not looking around. I think she may need some therapy of her own she may find it hard to open up infront of you to the counsellor. Once she gets some help of her things may change i they dont you need to make a decision either stay and wait for a change or walk and be the best dad that you can be. Good luck


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

s.k said:


> Seeing as she is pregnant she will need you to help her around the house not just clean up after yourself. She maybe going through pre-natal depression which she needs to see a doctor for. You acknowledge that you were wrong about trying to find company from other women you need to be there for her not looking around. I think she may need some therapy of her own she may find it hard to open up infront of you to the counsellor. Once she gets some help of her things may change i they dont you need to make a decision either stay and wait for a change or walk and be the best dad that you can be. Good luck


I agree, and I absolutely am beyond helping. I am trying to be understanding with that its been like this since we got married and after five years of being together it has really taken its toll on me. I am trying to be patient and understanding yet really feel the "im not perfect im trying" is her way of just taking advantage of me. Me being unemployed we have no insurance and with her pregnant her feelings that she isn't being taken care of are semi truthful (although I am putting a lot of hard work into changing that and I feel she sees none of it over the stress). She truly doesn't seem to get that she plays a role and doesn't feel she needs "fixin" so it would take someone else suggesting her go to a counselor for that to happen. With my mother building up her resentment and tearing me down it makes that battle very hard. Thank you for your response!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

doesnt she have any family that she can talk to and open up to? 5 years living this way is a long time, why is your mother involved in the situation dont you get on with her or your wife doesnt??? I think it is important to remember that you are married and marriage is not easy for anyone but it takes two people to make it work not one. Seems to me like she has a lot of feeling on the inside that need to come out before she has a break down


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

s.k said:


> doesnt she have any family that she can talk to and open up to? 5 years living this way is a long time, why is your mother involved in the situation dont you get on with her or your wife doesnt??? I think it is important to remember that you are married and marriage is not easy for anyone but it takes two people to make it work not one. Seems to me like she has a lot of feeling on the inside that need to come out before she has a break down


My mother had an abusive father as a child and is quick to jump to her defense. If my wife went to her mothers house (single mom since she was 1 year old) her mother will never let her "come back to me" they know very little about our issues. I think that's unhealthy. Her mothers way of dealing with issues/conflict was to ignore it and not take a vested interest in her children. I feel that this is causing some of the conflict resolution issues we are having, coupled with my eventual anger issue out of sheer frustration. If it was up to me we would be living in a different state from both our parents and neither of us would go running to mommy/daddy. I feel like my parents are like the family she never had and she is drawn to that (especially since my mom always believes anything she says and talks trash about me) It's not good and every counselor has told her to STAY AWAY. She uses the excuse that it is a "safe" place to get away from my violence and abuse... there is verbal abuse in the form of frustration and I am definitely working on that. She just seems to always push my buttons and seems to push for the fight to get worse by challenging me. It's been hard to work through but I am finally at the point where most of the time I can walk out and go to my shed or for a drive and cool off. The timing is not always good with this and it has interfered with important events where she needed me to watch my son. I feel that avoiding the abusive language and fights with her especially in front of my son are more important than inconveniencing her. It's a real tough decision to make and I'm being careful not to do it just to spite her and make a point although I have wanted to do that. She has had break downs, she is extremely emotional basically always, after being a Marine I deal with emotion differently and have a hard time showing much or feeling much. Also been working on that because I know she needs to feel love. Seems what I am best at getting across is resolving conflict and dealing with disappointment (accomplishing the mission/fixing things) It's a mess.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

She needs to tlk to a therapist quickly. YOu need to get your mother out the the situation by telling her that you are a married man and you have you own life and you do not appreciate the fact of her getting involved and bad mouthing about you to her. Your mother is influencing her behaviour it will get to the point that you will have enough and walk and your mother will blame you. The reason why i asked if she had family to talk to was so that she could forget about her problems while with them it helps sometimes living your childhood again if it was good. Again she needs to talk to a therapist if she refuses then you need to make a choice of whether you can live like this or if it is best to be on your own and start fresh.


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

s.k said:


> She needs to tlk to a therapist quickly. YOu need to get your mother out the the situation by telling her that you are a married man and you have you own life and you do not appreciate the fact of her getting involved and bad mouthing about you to her. Your mother is influencing her behaviour it will get to the point that you will have enough and walk and your mother will blame you. The reason why i asked if she had family to talk to was so that she could forget about her problems while with them it helps sometimes living your childhood again if it was good. Again she needs to talk to a therapist if she refuses then you need to make a choice of whether you can live like this or if it is best to be on your own and start fresh.


I wish she would, and I have gone as far as preparing an alienation of affection tort to file against my mother. Nothing short of court action will get her out of the picture. They already blame me for everything which is what has me ready to walk at this point. I really want to make it work and know that my anger is a serious problem and I have been told that it overshadows any other issues in the marriage. I cannot agree with that because I feel if the other issues weren't there that the anger and frustration wouldn't be there either. Nobody seems to get that though. I know I have done wrong and have made bad choices I just don't see how nobody will even attempt to hold her accountable for her role in it. She has everyone telling her I am worthless and she should leave me and no one telling her that she needs to think about herself and how her actions have influenced the reactions. I just feel like I'm fighting against everyone, willing to accept my part in it, and there is no one there to help with (what I feel to be) the root cause of the issues. What am I missing... I just feel at this point like I'm expected to ignore being let down constantly and accept that my actions are the sole cause of a crap marriage. I play my part but it can't be everything!


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

Anyone else have any thoughts or input?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

It seems like needs are not being me on both sides....and resentment has built and you both have resorted to unacceptable behaviors to get what you want in the relationship. I suggest you get the book His Needs, Her Needs, and both read it.


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

SolidSnake said:


> It seems like needs are not being me on both sides....and resentment has built and you both have resorted to unacceptable behaviors to get what you want in the relationship. I suggest you get the book His Needs, Her Needs, and both read it.


I like the book and agree with you. We have both read it and a slew of others. I talked with her a bit tonight but it seems that she uses hate from each fight we have to fuel how hard she fights working at it. I feel like if we could get on an "even accountability" plane for the problems in the marriage we could work through it and figure out what will work. My biggest issue is the house and the state of it and she thinks I'm crazy and thinks she really is trying. I am doing more than my fair share I'm just overwhelmed by it at this point and as quick as I can clean she messes it up again. I may be unreasonable with my expectation but the decisions she makes are what I feel a lot of people would consider poor. I will list the highlights if anyone would be willing to tell me where I'm going to far and where I have a valid point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JKVR6M69 said:


> I agree, and I absolutely am beyond helping. I am trying to be understanding with that its been like this since we got married and after five years of being together it has really taken its toll on me. I am trying to be patient and understanding yet really feel the "im not perfect im trying" is her way of just taking advantage of me. *Me being unemployed *we have no insurance and with her pregnant her feelings that she isn't being taken care of are semi truthful (although I am putting a lot of hard work into changing that and I feel she sees none of it over the stress). She truly doesn't seem to get that she plays a role and doesn't feel she needs "fixin" so it would take someone else suggesting her go to a counselor for that to happen. With my mother building up her resentment and tearing me down it makes that battle very hard. Thank you for your response!


How long have you been unemployed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife sounds a lot like my mother in her inability to organize and keep things picked up and clean.

She probably has some kind of an issue like ADD. She should never be incharge of running a home. It's beyond her capabilities. She's telling you the truth when she says she is trying. She is. But she cannot comprehend how to get from a to z. 

Seriously... I watched this my entire youth.


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

First... You Can Not Change Anyone Other Than Yourself. It sounds like the situation is very bad. How was she before you got married. Was she always this messy? Maybe she has obsessive compulsive disorder where instead of being neat everything overwhelms her.
It's good you are reaching out for an answer. If you are not working right now maybe you could spend some time and help her get organized. If you watch the kids maybe she can join a womens group like Emotions Anonymous or Messies Anonymous. (yes there really is a group named that)


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been unemployed?


3 weeks this time. Almost a year when I got out of the corps in 2010. Got let go a few days before new years. Started school (to set me up for a much better job/ and to have income) The very next day and worked my butt off to get accepted on the last day they were accepting. Studying computer information technology which takes a lot of study time... she sees it as 15 hours in class and "5 hours" of studying... and I have all this other time. I am also looking for any job I can work around the class schedule (3 nights a week). Job market is not exactly good right now and I am trying to find something in the field I'm that's a good long term fit, but looking elsewhere to. I feel like her being self employed in a highly paid market has made it hard for her to really understand what this job market is like and that three weeks is NOT that much time in reality. Anyway she seems to appreciate none of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JKVR6M69 said:


> 3 weeks this time. Almost a year when I got out of the corps in 2010. Got let go a few days before new years. Started school (to set me up for a much better job/ and to have income) The very next day and worked my butt off to get accepted on the last day they were accepting. Studying computer information technology which takes a lot of study time... she sees it as 15 hours in class and "5 hours" of studying... and I have all this other time. I am also looking for any job I can work around the class schedule (3 nights a week). Job market is not exactly good right now and I am trying to find something in the field I'm that's a good long term fit, but looking elsewhere to. I feel like her being self employed in a highly paid market has made it hard for her to really understand what this job market is like and that three weeks is NOT that much time in reality. Anyway she seems to appreciate none of it.


I'm a software engineer so I know that with 15 hours of class time you need to study a whole lot more than 5 hours a week. Your school right now is more than full time. And yes the job market is not good. But the more education a person has the easier it is to find a job right now.. so keep up the school. I've read that with only high school education unemployment is about 15% but get up to the level of a BA and unemployment is about 5%.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your wife is self employed. I'd like to get more of a picture of her.

How many hours a week does she work?

Is her business doing well? 

How organized is she at her business?

Does she have employees that she manages or does she run the business on her own?


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm a software engineer so I know that with 15 hours of class time you need to study a whole lot more than 5 hours a week. Your school right now is more than full time. And yes the job market is not good. But the more education a person has the easier it is to find a job right now.. so keep up the school. I've read that with only high school education unemployment is about 15% but get up to the level of a BA and unemployment is about 5%.


My dad is an engineer himself and he gets it but my mother (seeing a trend) is right on board acting like I'm being lazy. I'm trying to gain mastery of the subjects so I'm actually GOOD at what I do and that takes work. It's hard to feel so unappreciated and beat down and she just can't see it that way, wont even listen to it. Her being pregnant she is feeling very insecure right now which I get, but I feel the choice I made is the best one long term and she is not being patient at all. My mom is really exacerbating a lot of these issues by confirming her insecurity while knowing nothing about the actual situation.


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You say that your wife is self employed. I'd like to get more of a picture of her.
> 
> How many hours a week does she work?
> 
> ...


She teaches violin, viola, and piano at a local school 40 an hour for approximately 8 hours a week. She was doing it all in one day and against my guidance split it between two. She is feeling like she never sees her son and its gotten her crazy emotional to the point of crying several times and kept her from following my guidance on her schedule... so two days @ 4 hours there.

Out of the house same job she does about 10 hours but has scheduled it monday, tuesday, wed, and thursday also against my guidance... 

The business is doing ok but she could use more students. She has zero organization whatsoever, and no employees. She seems to lack basic organization skills all around. 

She (without talking to me at all ) has also taken on approximately 10 more students (5 hours) at much less pay at another studio in the area. She did this feeling like she had to and has voiced opinions that show me she resents me for (having) to do it.


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

Debbie Roxs said:


> First... You Can Not Change Anyone Other Than Yourself. It sounds like the situation is very bad. How was she before you got married. Was she always this messy? Maybe she has obsessive compulsive disorder where instead of being neat everything overwhelms her.
> It's good you are reaching out for an answer. If you are not working right now maybe you could spend some time and help her get organized. If you watch the kids maybe she can join a womens group like Emotions Anonymous or Messies Anonymous. (yes there really is a group named that)


I know this and its hard. She was messy and unorganized but I didnt see this much because we did not live together long before being married. I am helping and overwhelmed by how quick she messes it back up.


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife sounds a lot like my mother in her inability to organize and keep things picked up and clean.
> 
> She probably has some kind of an issue like ADD. She should never be incharge of running a home. It's beyond her capabilities. She's telling you the truth when she says she is trying. She is. But she cannot comprehend how to get from a to z.
> 
> Seriously... I watched this my entire youth.


My mother was and is a slob, the things I'm having an issue with I grew up in and HATED. And she may be... I guess I feel that if you try there are generally results, and the results are nothing but things getting worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not clear on the number of hours. Your write-up is not clear. Is it 8 hours at school, 10 with one set of students and 5 with the new students making it 23 hours a week total? Is that right? So she works part time.

Some people have a very hard time being organized. Their minds do not work that way. To others it comes naturally. You can yell all you want at your wife. It's not going to do any good because she really does not understand how to be organized. 

She might have ADD, or bipolar, depressed, or some other issue. Has she been in any counseling or gone for an evaluation? I've seen this sort of confusion with people who have disorders. Or she might just not understand how to be organized.

She can however learn. There are coping skills that can be taught. And there are skills for how to run a household so that it easier to keep it clutter free.

For example you obviously do not need all the junk piled up in your office and the stairs to the attic... because no one is using it if it's piled up. Get rid of it. 

Declutter the house; get rid of anything that is not essential for living. Yea, keep a few decorations but very few. .. They just have to be dusted after all. 

You might want to take a look at this web site. Maybe you and your wife could use it. Your wife can learn to be organized and how to manage a home. It’s a great site that I’ve used. My husband, who is unemployed and thus being the house husband, is now using the site as well. He’s as challenged in organization and housekeeping as your wife is. The site has been a great help.

FlyLady.net


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

Yes 23 hours. And the organization is a huge issue but I feel communication is probably our biggest problem. The organization just is always in my face and is tough to ignore. I think the biggest problem with the house issue is she thinks I'm insane... she sees no problem with it. And I think ALOT of that is A. she doesnt want to do it and maybe doesn't see it as a problem at all and B. My mother who has lived that way her WHOLE life and definitely doesn't see the problem encourages her that I'm off my rocker for having a problem with it... thats the worst part IMO


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JKVR6M69 said:


> Yes 23 hours. And the organization is a huge issue but I feel communication is probably our biggest problem. The organization just is always in my face and is tough to ignore. I think the biggest problem with the house issue is she thinks I'm insane... she sees no problem with it. And I think ALOT of that is A. she doesnt want to do it and maybe doesn't see it as a problem at all and B. My mother who has lived that way her WHOLE life and definitely doesn't see the problem encourages her that I'm off my rocker for having a problem with it... thats the worst part IMO


Well, if a person wants to live in a messy house it's their choice and it's not 'wrong'. 

The problem comes when their spouse does not agree with that choice.

Have you spoken to your mother alone about her enabling our wife?


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## JKVR6M69 (Jan 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well, if a person wants to live in a messy house it's their choice and it's not 'wrong'.
> 
> The problem comes when their spouse does not agree with that choice.
> 
> Have you spoken to your mother alone about her enabling our wife?


Theres no point talking to my mother and yes I have tried.


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