# newlywed and not happy



## hellojenny1982 (Oct 5, 2007)

Hello, my name is jennifer. I just got married a month ago and my husband and I are having some serious issues. I'm really depressed about it infact. Lately all we do is fight. I can't ask him a simple question without him getting mad at me. Last week i asked him what he was going to do today and he answers with such a mean retort like " i'm going to do what i want to f****** do today" meanwhile i just asked him what he was doing. We had such a bad fight over that he ended up spitting on me. This changed the way i feel about him. How could someone i love so much do something like that to me? I can't talk to him about anything without it escalating into a fight. I can't even ask him for money to go buy groceries because he'll get mad at me. Sometimes i wonder if he doesn't trust me cause he had a girlfriend before me who stole from him. Im not a lavish spender and would never take his money without asking. I do everything for him and he won't go out of his way for me at all even if its running to the store for me for something when i'm sick. I just feel like hes so insensitive and inconsiderate of me. If i confront him about it he says im being a baby and im immature. He once told me that he felt I was more like his child than his wife. Sometimes i wonder if its the age difference, he's 33 and i' m 25. I feel like i can do no right when i try so hard. whats the problem with our marriage?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Jennifer


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Jennifer, you're not being a baby-he's being abusive. I'm sorry that this had to happen after-the-fact (after getting married). Was he like that prior to the wedding? 
And spitting on someone is one of the nastiest, hateful things ANYONE could ever do to another human-it's a sign of disgust. Had it been me, I'd have been to the courthouse so fast to request an annulment, his head would spin. You are so young and could have a wonderful future ahead of you once you realize your self worth. If this man spit on you, then perhaps the next step will be to hit you; or worst. Not sure if you have kids yet or not, but you'd never want your kids to see their mother being spit on. These are things to consider. I truly hate to advocate divorce or separations-but I cannot begin to justify your husband's behavior. 
Jennifer, I'm going to pray for you. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope things get better.


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## hellojenny1982 (Oct 5, 2007)

I believe in the power of God and have been praying often. Thank you for replying


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## graniteheart (Oct 6, 2007)

Ahhh Jenifer, your situation sounds so much like my own 28 years ago. Let me ask you a few questions from my perspective.

You say you have been married a month and all you do is fight. That exact same thing happened to me and my new bride. You fight over the silliest things, usually because he blows up over some stupid remark or no reason at all. That happened to us also.

My questions.
Since you have been married how has your intimacy been? Were you intimate before you got married? If it is different now, or if it is nonexistant, why? Do you find yourself treating him differently than when you were dating (aside from the obvious rudeness he is showing you)? Are you two romantic, affectionate, in love?

Now for my reasons for these questions. When we got married, on our wedding night, my wife started acting different. We had not been intimate before we got married, but we were deffinitely physically attracted, and physically affectionate and passionate. She began to avoid intimacy, even going as far as starting a fight or insulting me to avoid sex. She wanted to have kids, so we did occasionally have sex, but it was always on her terms, and always simply to "make babies". There was no love or sharing involved at all. 

This made me angry all the time, I would blow up at the drop of a hat. I was frustrated. I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so confused all the time. I loved her so much, but she kept making me feel like she wanted nothing more than to be close friends, not husband and wife.

Long story short, after about 24 years she finally told me that when she was young, about 12, she had been sexually molested by a female cousin. No details, but it was pretty sick. This had surfaced on our wedding night and from that point on she felt like sex was dirty and wrong. She even got to the point that she would shower and douche after each time we were intimate. Her realization did not fix our problems though. It took another two years and a program from Tony Robbins specifically for couples to really fix our problems. She finally realized what she was doing and how it had affected our relationship for all those years. We are now happier than ever in our lives together, more in love, more romantic, more affectionate, and more intimate than EVER! 

I don't know your situation, and every one is different, but I would say try to see if his anger has something to do with feeling unfulfilled with your relationship. 

Good luck, happiness can happen, even after 26 years of misery.

Graniteheart


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## hellojenny1982 (Oct 5, 2007)

Dear graniteheart,
The intimacy is actually very good in our relationship. I have not treated him any differently since we got married. If anything i love him even more. When times are good they are very good, but when they are bad they are really bad. We are affectionate to eachother as well. He works alot so that makes him very moody. I'm trying to answer all these questions in my head. I love him and want nothing more than to make this work.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Is he also making it work? Do you both share your faith in God? I asked because I did speak so hurriedly-and unlike Graniteheart I did not stop to ask questions, which was very stupid of me


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## hellojenny1982 (Oct 5, 2007)

No he doesn't share my faith at all. I was raised in a very catholic family. He doesn't even have a donomination. This bothered me at the beginning but I just accepted it because I loved him and didn't think it would affect our relationship since he was a good person. As for the other question, its very hard for me to communicate with him cause he gets mad at the drop of the hat. I try to talk to him but to him its nagging or whining. I mentioned marriage counseling before when we were fighting he wanted to go then. But unlike me, he doesn't when we aren't fighting.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Well, hopefully if counseling is something you are interested in, he'll agree to it and things will get better.


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## graniteheart (Oct 6, 2007)

Well Jennifer, every situation is different just as every person is different. The hope you can hold onto is that my sweetheart and I have now been married 28 years and we are more in love than I could have imagined possible. There is always hope as long as love is alive.

As for your differences in faith, don't despair. My wife is very religious and I am athiest and it doesn't matter one little bit in our relationship. We have communicated our beliefs and feelings and we know where each other stands and we don't cross the line into each others beliefs. As long as you can establish mutual respect for each other's beliefs it shouldn't be a problem. I should tell you that I love my wife more than life itself, more than anything in this world or this universe. I love my children and grandchildren equally as much. Just because I don't buy into the God theory doesn't mean I am heartless. I used to be very religious, but I love to study and read and in my studies I have discovered certain facts that, for me, disallow the possibility of the creatioin theory. Anyway, my heart is full of love for my family and for my fellow humans I share this planet with. I don't need to believe in God to know that I love people and that in order for the billions of people to share this one small world we have to be tollerant of each other and I do believe in the golden rule; "Do unto others". That is what your husband needs to realize. Maybe you can help him to see how he would feel if you did some of the terrible things to him that he does to you.

I will share one short story so you can see that there is always hope. When my wife and I were having our problems one night I was laying in bed waiting for her and watching her get ready. My heart filled with so much love for her and I just wanted to share that love. I tried to tell her this when she turned and looked at me and said, "oh my gosh look at your belly, I didn't know it was so fat, look how it just lays out there like a big blob." I wasn't that fat, but it worked, I didn't want to be intimate any more that night. To this day, even though we have worked past our problems, I still cover my belly when I am laying down so no one can see it "laying out there like a big blob". 

Sending you hugs and love and wishes for a happy ending to your problems.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I have to assume that this is a change in his behavior because you never would have married him if he had acted like this before hand.

Many believe in prayer and that is fine, but this calls for human to human, earthly remedies, in my eyes. Your mental health is being destroyed and there is nothing in any marriage vow that says that this is acceptable marital behavior. It is probably safer for you if you leave. don't discuss it, don't try to work things out, but end this now before you have a pile of debt and need therapy.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First he needs anger management classes.

Second he needs to respect you more as a person and wife.

Third if his job is creating these problems he needs to ease back because a job doesn't matter if it destroys your life.

draconis


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

Please forgive me if I'm making a sterotypical observation, but I'm taking a stab in the dark here, but it sounds like your husband isn't an American. I know in many cultures, men believe their wives are their possessions, and this is what it sounds like to me. It also sounds like it because he spit on you. That's just not the first thing most people in the US think to do.

I would suggest marriage counseling, as well, and if you DO believe in a particular faith, perhaps you can speak to the person in charge of your "church" - pastor, rabbi, etc.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, a few of my female friends have been treated that way and their bfs neither was married were both American. Neither of them nice guys. One stayed with her guy for some time and he was off and on between really nice or a real jerk.

draconis


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Well, personally I'd have left him-but I was trying to be not so opinionated, lol. Seriously-spitting is totally unacceptable-a sign of sheer and utter disrespect.


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## tammi (Oct 8, 2007)

well it sounds like this guy needs anger managment classes
if u want to save your marriage he needs to be willing to
get help because u should not be afraid to talk or aske him
about anything...it sounds like u r walking on egg shells thats not fair.
first he spits at u what next hitting you? i have been where
you are and it wasnt easy but i had to leave i had kids to think
about. 

tammi


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Yes, Tammi said it best this might be signs to come. Most abusers start out slowly then the more you except their abuse the more they will push on you. I think a cornerstone for you to stay would be him getting help and if he ever does it again you need to make it clear that you are gone or better yet he is removed from the house.

draconis


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## hellojenny1982 (Oct 5, 2007)

Thank you everyone who is concerned enough to reply. I definitely think we need therapy. But it takes some convincing on my part to let him know that he is not always right. The last time i told him he was wrong for spitting he said "there you go again blaming the fight all on me" which wasn't my intention at all. I was just trying to tell him how wrong he was for doing that to me. I often wonder too how he had a normal long term relationship before me. He told me that he was the one who ended the last relationship and that person would still be with him if he wanted them. This makes me think it is my fault. What could i be doing wrong? and to answer some of your questions, when we were first together or before we were married he told me he would take care of me and I would have never expected him to get so angry. Yes he is american and yes I am constantly walking on eggshells. I can't do anything right. I can't wash clothes right, i don't take care of my things, i don't appreciate the things he does for me, i'm irresponsible, immature, i'm soo many bad things i forget that theres anything good about me.


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## tammi (Oct 8, 2007)

the thing is my friend thats what they want you to think that it is
your fault when it isnt..thats what we call abuse they can not take resbonsablity
for there actions you need to take care of you and know this is not your fault
and that you have done nothing wrong untill he is willing to get help nothing
you do will be good enough ever!!!!!! and what will it take for you to
say enough is enough? after he hits you ? i hope it
doesnt come to that he is playing the blame game


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think the intelligent thing Tammi is pointing out is that abusive relationship start this way. He needs to know that what he is doing isn't okay period. It sounds all the worse that he can blame something like "work" for being in a bad mood. How would you feel if he started to treat your child this way?


Even better question, How would you react if a stranger treated you this way?

draconis


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## suziewong (Oct 15, 2007)

Why does whether or not a person is a christian or not have to be the basis for why a marriage is not working? It has nothing to do with it.
You must have seen parts of his behaviour before you got married. My daughter married an emotionally abusive guy after living with him for 5 years. She thought he would change!!! No way do they change unless they want to.
Starve him of sex for a while and see if he changes his attitude!
Regards,
Susan


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

suziewong said:


> Why does whether or not a person is a christian or not have to be the basis for why a marriage is not working?


You are right, however you mis read the thread.

Jenny:


> I believe in the power of God and have been praying often. Thank you for replying


MrsLV:


> Do you both share your faith in God?


Sharing a common bond often helps a relationship.
Religion~ Not only does this help glue couples together but it gives them an identity. It helps open new ways of communicating and sharing. Because of church schedules it shows families there is nothing wrong with MAKING time to be together. I hear so many times we never have time to do this or that. If you go to church then that is a sign you can make time for each other. It is no wonder that more families that rate religion highly eat together too.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322-relationship-thesis.html

Jenny:


> No he doesn't share my faith at all. I was raised in a very catholic family. He doesn't even have a donomination. This bothered me at the beginning


Suzie:


> You must have seen parts of his behaviour before you got married.


Most abusive relationship start out without signs or with few and get worse as time goes by.
for more check this out.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/360-verbal-abuse-thesis.html

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I agree with the other posters that recommended counseling. If he doesn't agree to go, go by yourself. You can talk to someone that is fairly objective and they can help you get perspective on what is happening.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, is there something going on with his family or at work? Since this behavior started up at the time of marriage, perhaps it has something to do with how he thinks a marriage should work. Maybe this is how his dad treated his mom. I was rather lucky that my husband had a terrible home life but goes out of his way everyday not to be like his male role models. 

On the other hand, he could be an abusive person. No one deserves to be spit on or to be yelled at for trying to go get groceries. These aren't normal responses. I find it interesting that he turns it around on you when you try to confront his behavior. If he's the type of person who can never be in the wrong unless he's trying to get you to do something for him--you need to listen to your instincts that something is very wrong here.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is a list of the things I’d consider verbally abusive.

I) Ridicule your core beliefs or who you are.

IV) Humiliation in private or in public.

V) Severe mood swings.

VI) Controlling of situations like money.

IX) Manipulation with lies

XIII) Questions your every move and motive

XV) Using words to shame you

XVI) Yelling, swearing and screaming.

XVII) Using rage to cause fear

XVIII) Act different in public then in private.


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## ACCER (Oct 16, 2007)

Most abuse of this nature start after the marriage. It doesn't start before because she could easily walk away. He has her now so he can do what he wants. When he invalidates her feelings it serves to strip away her self esteem, to make her feel less of a person. She shouldn't have to ask for money for groceries. A telling sign of the dynamics and control was the statement "I would never take his money" and that he had a girlfriend who stole from him. It's supposed to be "our" money. Not his and hers. As for stealing.....EXCUSE ME???? Taking family money to buy groceries is not, never has been and never will be, stealing. This is not even close to healthy.

Get out now. File for a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty and abuse (spitting is seen as physical abuse). Force him into counseling. If he refuses, divorce him and move on. If he goes through counseling and you are happy with him, withdraw the filing.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ACCER ~ Nice wisdom.

I do think some couples keep money seperate and divide up bills. My wife and I have done this for years. But there is never a time when she says that we need food that I don't throw my wallet to her and ask she leaves me five bucks for the week.

Although we don't share money we have always bailed each other out if a bill is behind.

draconis


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