# Any post(s) ever help you and/or inspire you to change?



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I often wonder if I help(ed) anyone. People I respond to directly never return to say they took my advice or did what I suggested. So, I wonder if I make a difference at all or if I'm just spending time.

I also wonder if the advice of others is heeded. There are a few exceptions, particular the advice to do 180 or man up. People often return to say they did things like that, but I wonder about other advice.

I also wonder about people reading - those who were not directly advised but read threads by someone else and took the advice other people were given. If so, please tell us about it.

1. Other than the 180 and/or man up (since we already know people have done that), what advice did you take that was given to you, and what did you do? How did it turn out?

2. If you did not start a thread (asked for help/advice) but read advice given to someone else, what was the advice and what did you do? How did it turn out?

3. Any posts/advice ever inspire you to change yourself? If so, how did that turn out?

Thanks to anyone who responds.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

There is quite a few posts that have help me out from quite a few different posters. It helps to see things from so many different point of views. One example I can give is the love languages. When I seen that sugggested I checked it out along with hubby and it helped us better understand ourselves as well as each other. Funny thing was I was suprised to find out what my love language was but hubby wasn't to suprised lol. Same with him when he found out his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Many of these posts have helped me in many different ways. 

before my split, I was just completely falling apart, even the advice I didn't want to hear resonated. All the threads that weren't mine that I read held some sort of useful advice to help me first, try to fix things, and second, get through the leaving process.

Now, the things I read help remind me to stay on the path I'm on, and all the extra wonderful advice I see given on here, is stored in my happy little glutton of a brain, and passed on to other people I know having relationship issues that aren't make or break end of the line situations. All of you have helped at least someone I know, because your advice has been passed on in hopes that maybe someone won't have to go through the painful process so many of us had.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I take bits and pieces from many posts...there is always a new way to look at an issue.

I have only ever reached out to one person here who replied to some posts i made when I first came here.

She's banned now but she was so sensible, clear and direct when I was wailing and crying and ready to do something drastic to my marriage.

I sent her a PM and thanked her and told her why. She messaged back and thanked me for thanking her..she too had hoped her words had helped somewhere on these boards.

Be sure your words have helped someone.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

For me the advice I've received was helpful but didn't effect my situation. What I learn more from is the women posters. For the most part I get the guy posts. But I am usually surprised everytime I read TAM. And usually that surprise comes from a female poster. Not because the advice is bad or anything, but just because I gain further insight into what/how women think.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I took some advice. Not from responders, but from women talking about falling out of love with their husbands. SO MANY of them do, and so few fall back in love. And the few that do get back with their husbands act A LOT differently than my wife was. So the advice I took was to not even try. Just let her go and work on me and my happiness.

So, My wife and I are still sleeping in the same bed and pretending to be happy, but I just don't care any more. I'm ready for that day when she just up and leaves. It will not only NOT devastate me, but it will be a liberation of sorts.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Well I've only been here 2 days, and I came here because I... oh heck, I might as well pause my response to sumarize my situation to pre-empt the inevitable confusion.

I suspected that my wife was having an EA, let's call this suspicion one that I had last week. Before I even came here, I had discussed it with my wife - and as it turned out, when I discussed it with her sister, I wasn't the only one that thought things were not adding up. When I spoke with my wife, she said I was wrong, and to avoid the appearance she ended the friendship that was suspected.

After this cut-off, I saw that there was 1 text from him to my wife, 1 response from my wife and it had to do with our son having lunch with his son.

So back to responding to the OP. I came here because I couldn't figure out on my own how to handle the situation - my instincts said I should talk to the guy, not even necessarily to confront him, but to understand his situation and maybe offer some advice that'd be helpful for his marriage. I didn't have a plan, I had options and no idea which to pick. I came here because it seemed a good place to discuss - and in particular, there was a member who had offered good advice to others on EA's, namely Entropy3000.

So my first thread was asking how to handle the situation. Some said I should ask my wife about it, which I did. It turns out the question was related to the kids having lunch together at school - it's not just sitting together in the lunchroom, both kids are on the autism spectrum, and it's a staff-run lunch deal to help with socialization.

I posted another thread about relationship help books - actually it started as a question as to whether my suspicion about certain websites was valid, but people responded with book recommendations anyway, and I've only been able to get one of the books and read a couple paragraphs, but I briefly discussed it with my wife this morning and I think it is already and will be helpful.


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## beachbummed (Apr 25, 2012)

Yes, I'm rather new and have posted only a few times. I was grateful for the insights, perspective and guidence given to me. Somethings I was completely clueless about before and had to read through posts to find out the meaning. For example an EA. I never really thought about emotional affairs before... just the thought of a PA was alarming enough. My eyes opened. I took some advice from others and applied it. Other advice I have not acted on yet and hopefully won't have too, but I have a better understanding if a situation were to arise I could apply it. Right now we are working with MC and things seem to be improving. Three weeks now there has been no arguing, no him going out and we have been comunicating. 

One thing advised to me by another poster was to be more than just the mother to our kids. I've been working on that and have found more spice between us and I even feel better about myself. I lost weight, bought new clothes, I'm dressing up, wearing makeup, and having more fun and closeness with him. 

I have read other threads and have taken things from those as well. Like book reccomendations. I'm currently reading 2. I'm getting ideas from all over these forums to apply to my life.

I was going to come on here to thank you for your help and sharing your experiences. It is all helpful to someone one way or another... if anything--we are not alone.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I get things from various posters so I can't point to a single person or even three people who have helped me. There's such a wide range of marriages here and marital issues discussed here. It's a veritable buffet of the problems that pop up. I take what I want and leave the rest. 

I used to read TAM for a long time without posting. There are two people who "convinced" me to come out of lurkdom because I could so relate to their posts and stories. They know who they are.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I posted a year ago when I realised my now-husband was having an EA really with a girl he had been working with.

I had four young kids, the youngest was then a five-month-old baby. I was absolutely devastated. I remember Affaircare helped me a lot. I realised the responsibility I had and the role I played in our interactions. Her advice really helped me stop feeling like a victim and empowered me to understand and adjust the dynamic between me and him. It gave me a lot of self-confidence to realise I didn't have to have it all happen TO me but that I could be an active participant in how things worked out. Particularly around boundaries. That was a biggie for me.

I have also found AFEH to be a source of support. At a particularly hard time for me I can't express how much it meant that someone out there cared enough to positively encourage me in a genuinely sincere way. For someone to say, "you're doing well, you get it" helped me more than I can really say. Like someone believed in me when I didn't believe I could do it.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

I can't recall any single, individual post that I could cite as being inspirational. 

However, my understanding of women and men and relationships has been greatly, greatly improved by the collective content of all the hundreds of posts I have read on this forum.


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## babyowlsrcute (May 12, 2012)

I've lurked for some time now, and just gained the courage to post. Reading these posts have been a huge inspiration to me and I feel as though they help me to reflect and become a better person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

MrK said:


> I took some advice. Not from responders, but from women talking about falling out of love with their husbands. SO MANY of them do, and so few fall back in love. And the few that do get back with their husbands act A LOT differently than my wife was. So the advice I took was to not even try. Just let her go and work on me and my happiness.
> 
> So, My wife and I are still sleeping in the same bed and pretending to be happy, but I just don't care any more. I'm ready for that day when she just up and leaves. It will not only NOT devastate me, but it will be a liberation of sorts.


Does your wife come on this board at all?


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

River, I just read your post to My husband hates me and my family about abusive men and it really helped me see MY husband's behavior with more clarity. ANd to hear someone else telling someone else these things, made me realize, I am that girl!! I'm really sad now, but I know it's for the best. Thank you


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I am often finding inspiration and understanding on these boards. When I first came her I did not even understand what was happening to me because of my h's ea turned out it was hyper vigilance.

I have sense found a wealth of valuable insight and perspectives here on TAM that help me, enlighten me, and so much more. It is why I come back even on my good days  

I too hope I have helped someone on TAM in one way or another


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I appreciate the women's thoughts and feelings and for relating, but I feel I gain the most perspective from the men here. There's been quite a few (regulars and non-regulars) who have made me consider something a certain way. Or perhaps emphasized certain things to me. Usually these perspectives aren't from threads I have created; they are from reading and observing posts on other threads. 

Ultimately I look to my husband and our relationship, but it feels the insight has become clearer in a quicker way for me by reading here. I also remind myself of my own values and priorities, even if I don't post on the particular thread. 

I may have only reached out a couple of times to give my thanks to posters here... when their words have really hit me. I don't tend to send private messages very often. Those who's posts have impacted me the most, likely wouldn't even realize it. So I just hope those who post here are comfortable within themselves and know whatever their thoughts are, they are valued. It's the variety of perspectives and life experiences that make this place what it is. I tip my hat to you. If you feel this speaks to you, please accept my thanks.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

There are A LOT of people here who have helped me tremendously... I think I've been here close to a year already... 

When I first came here I was ill-equipped to understand and cope with my husband's addictions, lies and his passive-aggressiveness. We still struggle with these issues, but they do not consume me the way they had before. As someone stated previously - I didn't have to be the victim anymore - I could be a part of what I experienced - good or bad! Realizing this was crucial for me!

Just a few of those who have helped me in the last year have been Omega (<3), That_Girl, Homemaker, EleGirl, COGypsy, Prodigal... But there have been many, many others who have, through their own posts and mine, contributed to my knowledge, and have just been a support system for me.

Even when you don't have the answers, having a proverbial shoulder to cry on is very therapeutic!!

So thank you to everyone who ever took the time and patience to explain things the way I needed to hear them - not necessarily the way I *wanted* to hear them! I love you guys here!! *group hugs* 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Honestly, so far in my relatively short time on this board, I've learned to appreciate my wife, and our marriage, even more. There have been some insightful posts, yes, but the main inspiration this board has provided me is what NOT to do, and reminds me to thank God, and my wife, so, so much for how sweet it has been for us up to this point.

I've always been expressive about my love. I constantly am thanking God for her, and what we have. But I've found lately, after really reading some of the many sad, heartbreaking, painful, distructive issues people are enduring, or some of the really restrictive ways other people tend to conduct their marriage (IMO), that I am telling my wife even more "Baby, thank you so much for what we have", "You are the best wife a man could ask for", "I am so, so in love with you", and it's actually just helped put us in an even more amazing place. I try not to take her for granted, but I'm human, and I do sometimes. TAM reminds me to check in more with myself, and her, and just really let her know how appreciated and adored she is.

Sometimes the best inspiration you can ever hope to find is seeing what you do not want to become.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Does your wife come on this board at all?


I hope so. She won't talk to me about our marriage. I have 2 options: pretend everything is OK or divorce. I'm not splitting up my family because I'm not loved, so plan A is my only one. If she does come on this board (anonymously, of course) I get 2 things out of it:

1 - And this is the MAIN one: She would have needed to do some investigation to find me (I've told her I've reached out to relationship sites for help but not told her which ones) . That would imply she cares, but I know she doesn't.

2 - She would know how I feel. I write every post as though she IS reading it. But I'm sure she's not. 

She just doesn't give a crap.


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