# Am I married to a chronic cheater?



## James Bond (Jun 4, 2011)

So here goes. About three years ago my wife went on a course for three months. She started to hang out with this guy I really didn’t like based on her description. The guy sounded like he had no other interest in her other than sexual. Never was jealous before him. She came home completely different, and I later discovered that she and the man were planning on getting together while I was visiting my home town. She talked about sex with him and about leaving me also. I confronted her with the details and she broke down cried and begged me to stay with her. We went for two and a half years of marriage counseling and I managed to forgive her and move on.

Fast forward to last July she went once again to the same place for another course this time only one month. I visited her on the last weekend and was little puzzled by her texting with this man from the course. I only saw the last line on one of the message and it said I miss you. I asked her about it and she said he says that to everyone and would not show me the message. I looked at the guy’s facebook and yes he did say I miss you very liberally so the matter was closed. 

So now we come to March. One morning I found my wife’s FB account open, due to passed events I had a look and noticed that she had been talking to that guy. Nothing really out of the ordinary except one that said something about Valentine ’s Day, that she would prefer to spend it with him. So I asked her and she said she was mad at at the time and they were just friends and it was nothing. And they had only been talking for a few weeks. 

So two weeks later by a strange series of events discovered her hotmail password which was connected to her FB. So I looked and discovered that in fact she had been talking to him since summer and was at one point planning to leave me for him. In addition to FB messaging/chatting they had also been talking on the phone. I confronted her and she told me she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. Then changed her mind the next day, then about three weeks later I noticed a stay or go list about me. She said leaving me she would have truth and sincerity. 

She didn’t sleep with either man as I could tell from their conversations. But the fact remains she has had two emotional affairs in not even 5 years of marriage. And the big issue I am having right now is that I don’t trust her anymore and two she seems like she doesn’t think she did anything wrong as the whole thing seems to be my fault. 

So after all this I just want to know am I married to a chronic cheater? I mean we weren’t even married for 1.5 years the first time and the second one was under my nose for eight months. And now her FB and e-mail accounts are being guarded by her like Fort Knox. She even unplugs the internet some days to make sure they are closed. She is very tight with two guys from work, they FB chat/message outside working hours on the weekend and she knows details of their sex lives. She is also become very diet conscious and always looking at fashion ads and going to yoga. And one night about two months she was at a work party and stayed out with these guys until 4:00 am on a work night. In 10 years toghter she has never stayed out till 4 am ever. I mean what is going on with this woman? Any insights would be appreciated? I am going to my home town in a couple of weeks and wondering if I should even bother coming back.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

From what you described you are married to a woman who is trying hard to find another man to latch on before dumping you.

While it would be easy for a complete stranger like myself to tell you to let her go, the reality is that you are so emotionally invested in her that you want to make sure you make the right decision.

All of us have our shortcomings but in my opinion if someone needs to have somebody else waiting for him/her in order to have the necessary courage to end a committed relationship - marriage - then the question you should ask yourself "Is she worthy of my love? If the answer is no then you know what you have to do.

NOBODY should accept being a consolation prize for a cheating spouse.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

YouTube - ‪Todd Rundgren- Hello It's Me with Lyrics‬‏

yep. ur marr'd to a chronic platonic cheater. so what ya gonna do bouuuuuy?

funny u chose james bond as a moniker/avatar/name.
for when u when u wrote what u did & Morituri responded
as i was kinda thinking (along those lines), i was picturing
a james bond like genre movie-scene with tom cruise
Mission Impossible[/FONT] where the villian says to 
cruise something like: "u know how it is with monkeys mate,
cant let go of one branch before having a grip on another".
(she was "doing 'em" both, per her mission contribution:lol

based on what ya wrote, it looks like "exit stage right" all the
way/all the day long.

but maybe u didnt get everything in, so to speak, so maybe
theres some ray of hope, dunno.


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## James Bond (Jun 4, 2011)

morituri said:


> From what you described you are married to a woman who is trying hard to find another man to latch on before dumping you.
> 
> While it would be easy for a complete stranger like myself to tell you to let her go, the reality is that you are so emotionally invested in her that you want to make sure you make the right decision.
> 
> ...


Ironically enough that is how we got together. She had a BF back home and slept with me. I guess that should have been a warning sign.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You married a woman that was not ready for marriage and an exclusive relationship. She also has very loose boundaries concerning people she goes to school with and who she works with. You already know what loose women are called.

You've noticed all these red flags and you've heard the CLASSIC CHEATER EXCUSE: He's just a friend. She is already a serial cheater, and you cannot stay married to one of those. You are merely her second choice until she finds the right man, then she will leave you with nothing but a broken heart.

If you have no kids, then you have to kick her to the curb. Tell her to get out of the house to be with her OM, then she can be honest and stop lying to you. What are you going to do years down the road when you have kids, property, and other things tied with her and she continues to cheat? Look at the future and be honest with yourself. Do you really think she will ever stop? She's practically rubbing her affairs in your face. You say she blames you? Get this: This is not your fault. Blame shifting is a typical cheater tactic so they can justify their actions to themselves. They have to demonize you to assuage their own guilt.

Kick her to the curb now while you can. You will find a woman who can be honest and faithful to you, something this one isn't.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

James Bond said:


> Ironically enough that is how we got together. She had a BF back home and slept with me. I guess that should have been a warning sign.


Then as a former OM, you have have seen this coming. If you marry a woman who cheats on her man, then you married a woman who cheats on her man. She cheated on her man to be with you, so now she's cheating on you. 

Kick her to the curb fast and don't be with women who cheat. Simple as that. She is a s l u t


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## James Bond (Jun 4, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then as a former OM, you have have seen this coming. If you marry a woman who cheats on her man, then you married a woman who cheats on her man. She cheated on her man to be with you, so now she's cheating on you.
> 
> Kick her to the curb fast and don't be with women who cheat. Simple as that. She is a s l u t


Yeah I guess I was forewarned. I brushed it off then as the they were only toghter for 6 months and he lived far away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya dude you are getting replaced, and it is a matter of time before she puts her exit plan to work.
She will manage you until all the pieces are together and an OM will take the repound.

There are way to many secrets here and if your not part of her second life then don't be apart of her first life. 

For now you are giving her stabliy and security, soon she will find someone that will provide that for her. 

Show her some real consequence's this time around, distance your self. 

There are alot of devices that you can plant in your home, before you leave, I recommend it. there is a good chance that she will use your marital bed like a play ground, so I recommened that be the 1st place to hide some spy equipment to validate her commitment or lack of.

I would not go on this trip with out protecting your self by monitoring what goes in in your home when your gone. The information that you may gather will get you out of the denial and bring to light your wife true self.

At the very least have a niegbor keep an eye on the house....wait the nieghbor could also be in on it! I think hiddeen cams and VAR's are your best bet.


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## James Bond (Jun 4, 2011)

Be honest with me am I in denial? The big issue I have and maybe I should have said it earlier is I am from Australia and living in the US met my wife in Uni over there and moved 5 years ago after her student visa ran out. The whole Idea of starting over again in a foreign land really scares me. I love the US but it will never be truly home for me. And home is kind of in flux at the moment as I am too poor at the moment, more or less I have a lot tied up in our property and the value is in the toilet.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Time to get control. I would ask her to leave for one of her boy toys. Pack your **** and go.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

James Bond said:


> Be honest with me am I in denial? The big issue I have and maybe I should have said it earlier is I am from Australia and living in the US met my wife in Uni over there and moved 5 years ago after her student visa ran out. The whole Idea of starting over again in a foreign land really scares me. I love the US but it will never be truly home for me. And home is kind of in flux at the moment as I am too poor at the moment, more or less I have a lot tied up in our property and the value is in the toilet.


The old adage is true: If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

I don't see property values rising any time in the future with the economy the way it is, and many people stay because of the potential financial devastation D brings. It's up to you and D may be a foregone conclusion and you're just delaying the inevitable. It looks like you're seeing your wife as she truly is, and she isn't going to change. She has to WANT to change and fix herself, and it doesn't look like she does. She's basically addicted to the rush of affairs. 

Its up to you and how much you can tolerate. If you can live like this until things are financially better, than fine. Just know that she is shopping around and when she finds someone better, you'll be stuck in that situation regardless. It's your risk and pain to take.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Unfortunately I don't think she values you or your relationship. As the others have said, it's up to you how much you can handle but it seems pretty obvious that she will not be faithful to you.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

yep. denial puts it succinctly.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You may not think this way but, you are very fortunate to have discovered this in advance. You are not in a situation where one day a stranger tels you that your spouse is cheating on you and then within hours your whole life is in a tailspin; suddendly you are out of the door and your life as you know it is turned upside down. You have time. Good. Use it just like others have recommended. 

Gather information, documentary evidence, copy phone records, credit card bills, emails anything to prove her dishonourable intentions. You might need it depending on what happens especially if you sit around like a sitting duck in denial waiting on her time frame. Once this information is all in a safe place you take control when you are ready! Move to a position of strength. You are currently in a position of weakness. Take advice on your situation, house etc before hitting her with what you are going to do.

"Wifey you are having an affair online and off and that has consequences." Here they are....

As UB says, she's monkeying around. Make sure your branch swings right past hers. Be Tarzan. Don't be left looking like a monkey sitting on an old vine waiting for her to take hold of a new vine, leaving you behind with a broken heart. 

Act from a position of strength as it might make the pain (and your broken heart) a tad easier to handle.


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