# Very confused and broken down..



## wantmyselfback (Jan 11, 2012)

I have never had a problem like this before and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have gone to my friends and they have gave me advice but it's like I can't be completely upfront and honest about it so here goes..I have been with my husband now for 12 years and they have been great, but here recently within the past couple years alot has changed between us. We spend less and less time together and sometimes we don't even say i love you,also he has always had a temper and here recently it seems like his temper is worse. I mean he has never hit me or anything but he does yell alot and it seems like any little thing I do can get him upset with me. I just sit and wish sometimes we could go back to how we used to be. Other part of this problem is I have started talking to another guy. It was nothing serious at first just chatting, but within the last couple weeks it started getting serious. We have alot in common and he makes me laugh and smile again. I know it may sound vain but he does tell me I'm beautiful and that's not something I hear from my husband very often anymore. This new guy I'm talking to as even went as far to saying he loves me and would like for us to be together for good. I don't want to hurt either of them but I know it will happen eventually. I know this makes me sounds like a bad person for even talking to another guy while I'm married but I'm just very confused about what I want right now. I sit and think if I will be able to just walk away from what I have known for 12 years even if I'm not fully happy and go with someone who I know will make me happy and treat me well. I wonder if i will ever regret leaving my husband who I have always loved but sometimes makes me feel more like a kid than a woman. Just wanting to get some opinions on this I really don't know which road to take. I feel either one I take someone with get hurt.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for where you are,but if what you're doing goes against your core values then you will have many regrets.You're in an EA with another man and it feels so good and right,probably the same way you once felt with your H when your relationship first started.That's the brain chemistry going haywire from the newness of it all.

All you share with OM is happy times far removed from the perceived drudgery of your marriage.The more you get involved.the easier it becomes to find faults in your marriage even to the point of rewriting some of the marital history.Your H can't compete or work towards a solution because he doesn't even know he's competing.You think you know this OM,but do you really? This is a man who intends to take another man's wife like a thief in the night and all it really takes is a little attention and a few sweet words.The sad thing is you seem willing to abet him in it by destroying and betraying a man who up until the past couple of years was there for not only the highs in your marriage but faced life's everyday hurdles with you.

I don't know what you will do but you might be better served investing the energy you give the OM on finding real solutions to your problems that are far more respectful than what you're doing now.Marriage responsibility is something that's shared,but cheating,well that's !00% on the cheater and there is no excuse for it....there are other options if you're not happy.

Hope you come clean and try to work it out with your H because if you don't you may,as others have before you,realize too late that the grass isn't always greener.Take care.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If you love your husband, focus on fixing your relationship. If you feel it is not fixable, file for a divorce. You are on the path to an affair with this other man, stop before it goes farther unless have already given up on your marriage.(in which case file for divorce and go on with your life).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wantmyselfback, I have been there. Believe me when I say that an emotional affair is NOT the answer. My husband treated me like I was a kid, often. He was always angry, always yelling... then he finally got the right diagnoses and is on his way to getting his medications adjusted properly. It's like he is a totally different man than the one he was when I was in my EAs. He isn't the same man he was 13 years ago, but he is SO far from the man he was last year at this time...even two years ago!

WMB, I know this OM is saying he loves you and wants to be with you, etc. Again, I've been there. I heard the words, I got the butterflies, I had those feelings. But the thing is, your OM isn't there day to day. He is showing you his best side, ostensibly to help you through this difficult time in your life. Unfortunately, in acting the way he is, he is encouraging you to cheat on your husband, which you are doing now.

Regarding your husband, what is going on with him? Has he been diagnosed with a mental/psychological illness? Is he receiving care from a psychiatrist or psychologist? If he has psych diagnoses, but is not being medicated properly, you will have this mean man to contend with, as I did. Please, for you sanity, don't continue in this affair. It isn't worth it to be labeled a cheater.


----------



## wantmyselfback (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice. I do feel like I have betrayed my husband by talking to this other man and your right it could be just the newness of it and he's telling me what I want to hear that I'm not hearing from my husband. Only problem with stopping the relationship is and i feel like the most terrible person for saying or and for doing this but this new guy has proof of things I have said to him and a few pics I sent him that I know if I upset him or break it off he could use against me. Not saying that he would because he is a very sweet guy but it's always in the back of my mind. I guess what really scares me is say I tell him I wanna work things out with my husband is if it hurts him so bad he see that as a way to hurt me back. I've never been on my own before and I'm just scared if things did go that way would my husband have it in him to forgive me or just leave because I did betray him in that way? Me and this guy have never been intimate it's just been talking back and forth right now. I know my husband tho and it scared the hell out of me that even though I may say I would be ok without him I can't help but think my world would end if he left.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Yes, I know where you are coming from. My OM had things he could have told my husband, etc. But, I told my husband anyway. In the end, I felt it was better to come clean, deal with the consequences, and hope for the best with my husband. It could have gone the other way, but it didn't. Telling him DID scare the hell out of me, for sure! But it was the right decision. I'm guessing the pics were either naked, or barely clothed, or both? Well, if you decide that you want to give your marriage a go, and I mean REALLY work on it, you need to tell him everything. But that's the big thing... you are in the fog of the affair, and the only way you can even try to work on the marriage is if the OM is out of the picture. Your last sentence tells me that there may still be hope for your marriage: "I can't help but think my world would end if he left."... I know how that feels. But, in order to continue with him, you need to be honest with him... no matter how hard it is.


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

My 12 years together ex found the same thing you did. Someone that made her feel young again. It's now 6 months from when she gave the "love you not in love with you" speech. There are obviously warnings to be had. The guy my wife left me for had a record 3 pages long. She didn't bother to find out for a month after I filed for divorce. He can't get or more importantly hold a job. He had (has?) a pregnant girlfriend. His idea of a good relationship is more like prison than a marriage.

Now I have the house and shared custody of our 3 kids and she's going bankrupt and trying to kick his lazy butt out of her life but of course he's a parasite and has nothing better to do than cling to her ruined life.

And honestly, Can a guy that romances lonely housewives really be dependable? He does it now he will do it again. It's his thing. You are vulnerable and he is playing you like you have sheet music. Maybe your marriage really is over. Maybe it just needs shook up. For the sake of your family, I suggest you totally remove the new guy from your life for an indefinite period of time, if he is really that great of a guy he should understand how important this all is. If he's just a clingy desperate home wrecker he won't leave you alone and won't respect your situation. He really thinks he's doing your husband a favor by relieving him if an ungrateful cheating woman. If you keep him around you can not save your marriage at all. Tell your husband all about it, tell him you are on the brink of leaving. If your marriage is really over you will know soon enough.


----------



## wantmyselfback (Jan 11, 2012)

I can't thank you all enough for the advice you are giving me it does make alot of sense. The only problem I see with myself is I am a very co-dependent person and I always feel like I have to have someone to be able to live. No matter how many times I could say yes I will tell this other man to leave me alone and won't think about him or have contacts with him, I still get that urge to talk to him. It's like i know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it but as soon as that feeling hits it's like I can't fight it no matter how hard I try. I'm not trying to make excuses for not ending this it's just I am a very tender hearted person and I can feel myself sinking further and further into a dark hole and I'm scared it going to cause me to have a breakdown. It's like my heart and mind fight against me. My husband has never been diagnosed with anything wrong with him mentally he has just always had a bad temper and here lately it seems I bring that out in him. I never expected to ever talk to another man and now that it has happened it's very shocking to me. I always had it in my head that no other man besided my husband would want me and it's still shocking to me someone would. I have always fought with low self esteem and can't seem to fight it no matter how old I am.


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Yeah you definitely need professional counseling. And this feeling of inseparable love will pass but not until your marriage is lost. Maybe that is okay but you have something now that earned you and your husband over a decade if happiness and 2 fundamentals of a relationship: trust and respect. Never have that again except in the fleeting moments of a new romance? Probably. But who needs it right? Maybe not you. Plenty of people live without it.


----------



## kaeru (Sep 4, 2012)

wantmyselfback said:


> I have never had a problem like this before and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have gone to my friends and they have gave me advice but it's like I can't be completely upfront and honest about it so here goes..I have been with my husband now for 12 years and they have been great, but here recently within the past couple years alot has changed between us. We spend less and less time together and sometimes we don't even say i love you,also he has always had a temper and here recently it seems like his temper is worse. I mean he has never hit me or anything but he does yell alot and it seems like any little thing I do can get him upset with me. I just sit and wish sometimes we could go back to how we used to be. Other part of this problem is I have started talking to another guy. It was nothing serious at first just chatting, but within the last couple weeks it started getting serious. We have alot in common and he makes me laugh and smile again. I know it may sound vain but he does tell me I'm beautiful and that's not something I hear from my husband very often anymore. This new guy I'm talking to as even went as far to saying he loves me and would like for us to be together for good. I don't want to hurt either of them but I know it will happen eventually. I know this makes me sounds like a bad person for even talking to another guy while I'm married but I'm just very confused about what I want right now. I sit and think if I will be able to just walk away from what I have known for 12 years even if I'm not fully happy and go with someone who I know will make me happy and treat me well. I wonder if i will ever regret leaving my husband who I have always loved but sometimes makes me feel more like a kid than a woman. Just wanting to get some opinions on this I really don't know which road to take. I feel either one I take someone with get hurt.


----------

