# My husband wished our daughter dead



## dookiemo

My husband wished our 6 week old daughter dead tonight. He wished she drowned but he said since he'd end up in jail, he'll just pretend to love her and show her off to his friends. He gets like this when he's drinks. I hate it when he drinks because he becomes so mean and depressed. Before this happened he went to the closet and hid himself. I found him there and asked why he was there, he called me a **** and a ***** and kicked me in the leg. He said I should have listened to him when he told me to park our car in the driveway instead of the garage. When I didn't listen he got angry. He told me to always do what he says. He got angry because I disobeyed him. He then told me to leave. So I began to pack my things along with our baby's and proceeded to go to my parents house. He stopped me to tell me that if I left he'd never let any of my family near our house and if they did, he'd punch them in the face. So I stayed.

He proceeded to tell me that he wished he was married to someone else who did not want a child. Who'd give their whole attention to him and no one else. He said he hated me and didn't know if he loved me anymore because I paid more attention to our baby than him. That our marriage is failing because of the stupid baby. 

He threw his wedding ring on the floor so because of that I threw mine in his face and punched him on the cheek. Not hard but I just wanted to hurt him too. I know I was wrong but I didn't know what to do. He'd be so emotionally hurtful sometimes. He told me he wishes that his next wife will listen to him and not have a child he didn't want. He wishes that he was single and had a girlfriend to travel with instead of being a miserable father who had to work just to pay bills. He says he's jealous of our friends who had the life he wants because they have no kid to tie them down.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. He says he makes all the money and my job provides nothing for the family. He called me stupid, dumb. He called me a **** and a *****. 

I love him. I don't know what he feels about me anymore. He wishes his mother was still alive because she is the only one who made him happy. No one but her made him happy.

What do I do? I don't know what to do. I can't sleep thinking about it. I just start to cry and listen to his words playing in my head over and over again. 

I just need advice.


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## *LittleDeer*

You love him?
What do you love about him?

When he is abusive he is showing you who he really is! He is an abusive, manipulative awful man, who wishes his own child dead. I think you are in love with the man who you thought you were marrying, however he is not that man. 

You need counseling, and you need to figure out why you stay with this man. 

I know you are scared, but you are stronger then you know, look at what you have allready been through. 

I suggest you document everything, as I don't think it is safe for your child to be around him and definitely not alone with him. He desperately needs help too, however you need to make sure you and your daughter are safe. 

Please don't stay with him, it will just happen again.


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## TurtleRun

Holy moly.... I would not trust this man with my child. Don't ever leave him alone with your baby ever!!! 

What is there to love about him ? He just imagined a whole story on how to kill your child. Drunk or not this man sound psychotic or is a very sick person.

Money doesn't mean anything at this point. Anyone can make money! Just leave and be safe. If you have no place to go, then go to a woman's shelter. This is a very abusive relationship.


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## Unique Username

When he goes to work.

Pack your and the baby's stuff and go to your parents. Tell them everything that he has said and done in abusive ways to you and to/about your daughter.

When he contacts you, tell him that he needs to quit drinking, get treatment and we will talk in 30 days after proven sobriety and anger management. If you do not take these actions I am immediately getting a restraining/protective order against you in protection of myself, my child and my family.


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## Miss Taken

You need to get out and get out now. It's not just about you anymore. You have a choice on whether you want to be in an abusive relationship. Your daughter doesn't get to choose to escape the situation and if she could talk - she'd tell you she didn't want this. You as a mother have a duty ABOVE ALL to protect her.

Making threats about your daughter is not to be taken lightly. He sounds like a psychopath - pretending to love her in front of friends and family. There are even abusers who would never lay a hand or threaten that on their kids - your husband's drowning fantasy goes above and beyond being hurtful.

Your daughter is not safe, you are not safe. Your husband is isolating you from your family by threatening to ostracize and physically aggress against them. Isolation is just another tactic that abusers use to control you. If you were around friends and loved ones they'd help you to think more clearly and see how dangerous the situation is - abusers know this so try to keep you away from the people that could help you protect and better yourself.

You should have called the police the second he kicked you and told you about the death fantasy for your daughter. It's not too late to call. I would also call women's shelters. You can stay with family but the shelters may be able to assist you in finding the resources you need to protect yourself. 

Besides living with the abuser which is dangerous in itself, the other most dangerous time to be with/around an abuser is when you leave. That's when they become the most desperate and violent, the thinking goes to "If I can't have you then no one can!" this is why you need the police, you will likely need a restraining order/protection order against him. 

Please take this seriously. Like I said, it's not just about you anymore - you have a duty to protect your daughter above yourself, above your "love" for your husband or desire to be with him.

After getting away, I would also strongly encourage counseling. The abusive cycle needs to stop here and you need to figure out why you think this is all you deserve.

Good luck,

Miss T


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## DoF

Unique Username said:


> When he goes to work.
> 
> Pack your and the baby's stuff and go to your parents. Tell them everything that he has said and done in abusive ways to you and to/about your daughter.
> 
> When he contacts you, tell him that he needs to quit drinking, get treatment and we will talk in 30 days after proven sobriety and anger management. If you do not take these actions I am immediately getting a restraining/protective order against you in protection of myself, my child and my family.


This

Also DO NOT share with him where you are. If you do, remember, it's not just you and baby that's in danger anymore, it's whoever is housing you too.


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## Omego

My goodness, please do what everyone is saying. That poor baby. 

Please get out of there and don't look back. And even if he was drunk when he said those horrible things about his baby, there is a strong change that he meant them. Drunkenness lowers inhibitions.


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## DoF

Yep, when drunk people often lose complete control of themselves and most importantly, are completely careless.

And some/many act on it as well.

Even if he didn't make this threat, remove yourself completely from that environment until his alcohol problem is completely resolved.


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## Anon Pink

dookiemo said:


> My husband wished our 6 week old daughter dead tonight. He wished she drowned but he said since he'd end up in jail, he'll just pretend to love her and show her off to his friends. He gets like this when he's drinks. I hate it when he drinks because he becomes so mean and depressed. Before this happened he went to the closet and hid himself. I found him there and asked why he was there, he called me a **** and a ***** and kicked me in the leg. He said I should have listened to him when he told me to park our car in the driveway instead of the garage. When I didn't listen he got angry. He told me to always do what he says. He got angry because I disobeyed him. He then told me to leave. So I began to pack my things along with our baby's and proceeded to go to my parents house. He stopped me to tell me that if I left he'd never let any of my family near our house and if they did, he'd punch them in the face. So I stayed.
> 
> He proceeded to tell me that he wished he was married to someone else who did not want a child. Who'd give their whole attention to him and no one else. He said he hated me and didn't know if he loved me anymore because I paid more attention to our baby than him. That our marriage is failing because of the stupid baby.
> 
> He threw his wedding ring on the floor so because of that I threw mine in his face and punched him on the cheek. Not hard but I just wanted to hurt him too. I know I was wrong but I didn't know what to do. He'd be so emotionally hurtful sometimes. He told me he wishes that his next wife will listen to him and not have a child he didn't want. He wishes that he was single and had a girlfriend to travel with instead of being a miserable father who had to work just to pay bills. He says he's jealous of our friends who had the life he wants because they have no kid to tie them down.
> 
> Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. He says he makes all the money and my job provides nothing for the family. He called me stupid, dumb. He called me a **** and a *****.
> 
> I love him. I don't know what he feels about me anymore. He wishes his mother was still alive because she is the only one who made him happy. No one but her made him happy.
> 
> What do I do? I don't know what to do. I can't sleep thinking about it. I just start to cry and listen to his words playing in my head over and over again.
> 
> I just need advice.


On the chance that you actually come back...

Get a voice activated recorder and be prepared to record the next drunken berating session. Don't antagonize him but do behave as your normally do. Record the entire thing.

Wait a day or so and then arrange to have a trusted male friend or family member with you as you play the recording for him. You then tell him to get help to stop drinking, to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days or he leaves.

This is your only chance at a healthy safe marriage with this man.


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## turnera

You're in an abusive relationship. It will never get better than this, only worse.

Please educate yourself so you can get out of this. And know this: by leaving the situation, he may decide to get help. But if you stay there, he never will. If you love him, you will leave.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships


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## Theseus

dookiemo said:


> He proceeded to tell me that he wished he was married to someone else who did not want a child. Who'd give their whole attention to him and no one else. He said he hated me and didn't know if he loved me anymore because I paid more attention to our baby than him. That our marriage is failing because of the stupid baby.



It sounds like he suffers from massive issues with insecurity. He's jealous of the baby. He's jealous of his friends. He's upset when he thinks you don't listen to him. He hates you but he won't let you leave. 

He really needs individual counseling to get over this. For some reason, he thinks the world is out to get him and everyone around him is attacking him or stealing attention from him. When you show love to the baby, he thinks you are taking love away from him, as if love is something limited like a pool of money. He doesn't realize that it's not a zero-sum game; in his warped view, the thinks when one person "wins" another has to "lose".

Like most of the others here, I recommend you move out until he agrees to get help. Also make him agree to stop drinking before you come home. Chances are, when he's sober he will say you are ridiculous and deny saying anything like wanting the baby to die. If you are around him again when he's drunk, record him with a voice recorder and play it for him afterwards. That might be the only way to get him to realize how serious this really is.


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## frusdil

He's a douche, plain and simple. This is who he is. Alcohol doesn't change people, it simply reduces their inhibitions and the true person comes out.

I'm not one for suggesting someone should end a marriage, but holy ****balls! That poor little baby is not safe in that house while he's there. You have to protect her.


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## Cooper

Am I the only one who saw her statement that she "threw her ring in his face and punched him in the face because she wanted to hurt him"? Yes what the husband said was terribly awful, how he acts is like an immature toddler, the drinking can only lead to more problems, but mom sounds like she needs some work as well. 

What I got out of reading the OPs post was here are two people who don't belong together and are way to immature emotionally to have a child. When a couple chooses to attack each other physically because they want to "hurt" each other or don't know "what else to do" things can only go from bad to worse. This couple needs to separate immediately and both become involved in counseling and parenting classes. 

My heart bleeds for what that kids life will be like.


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## turnera

I saw it. She's becoming like him. That's what happens. Agreed, they need to separate.

dookie, please understand he will never get better if you stay. If you love him, leave him so he will have a reason to get better, to get you back.


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## happy as a clam

Five words: HE. IS. OFF. HIS. ROCKER.

You need to think of your baby now. Do NOT leave him alone with her. Something terrible may happen.

And punching your husband in the face is no way to deal with conflict. You're quite lucky he didn't turn around and beat the stuffing out of you, especially since he was drunk. You both seriously need counseling.


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## Miss Taken

*Re: Re: My husband wished our daughter dead*



Cooper said:


> Am I the only one who saw her statement that she "threw her ring in his face and punched him in the face because she wanted to hurt him"?


No. I saw it too and don‘t condone it. I also agree it‘s immature and normally am really hard on women who aggress against men. I don‘t like double standards. The reason I didn‘t address it is because 1) I think their newborn child is the most important. Protecting that baby was the thing I wanted to get across first and foremost and them separating will also stop her from aggressing back at her husband. 2) Her aggression was after he a) said he fantasized about their daughter drowning and admitted he pretends to love their daughter. B) called her names and she tried to leave to her family‘s house. C) he prevented her from leaving by threatening to punch them. D) He kicked her. E) He continued to put her down verbally and F) he threw his ring first.

Two wrongs do not make a right but I can‘t brow beat OP for wanting to give her husband a small taste of his own medicine given the above.


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## Cooper

Miss Taken said:


> No. I saw it too and don‘t condone it. I also agree it‘s immature and normally am really hard on women who aggress against men. I don‘t like double standards. The reason I didn‘t address it is because 1) I think their newborn child is the most important. Protecting that baby was the thing I wanted to get across first and foremost and them separating will also stop her from aggressing back at her husband. 2) Her aggression was after he a) said he fantasized about their daughter drowning and admitted he pretends to love their daughter. B) called her names and she tried to leave to her family‘s house. C) he prevented her from leaving by threatening to punch them. D) He kicked her. E) He continued to put her down verbally and F) he threw his ring first.
> 
> Two wrongs do not make a right but I can‘t brow beat OP for wanting to give her husband a small taste of his own medicine given the above.



I agree with your statements and certainly understand a person needing to defend themselves. What really alarmed me was the OP's comment about wanting to "hurt him", and striking him to do it. Where do you draw the line with this kind of reaction? Because this couple doesn't have the maturity to deal with stress and conflict they resort to physical violence, and sooner or later that frustration could be turned toward that baby. 

I certainly don't want to sound like I was supporting the father, I just wanted to make sure mom gets some help with her coping skills.


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## Miss Taken

Cooper said:


> I agree with your statements and certainly understand a person needing to defend themselves. What really alarmed me was the OP's comment about wanting to "hurt him", and striking him to do it. Where do you draw the line with this kind of reaction? Because this couple doesn't have the maturity to deal with stress and conflict they resort to physical violence, and sooner or later that frustration could be turned toward that baby.
> 
> I certainly don't want to sound like I was supporting the father, I just wanted to make sure mom gets some help with her coping skills.


The reason I didn't find it as alarming as you do is because I've been there. I've been in a situation where someone hurt me badly and I wanted to hurt them back and so I said something mean knowing full well that it would hurt their feelings. I don't think it's the right thing to do, I don't think it's mature, but I also don't think it's that uncommon and I'm sure a lot of people have been there too. 

It doesn't have to be physical but many normally well-adjusted and reasonable people have at least once said or done something purposely hurtful to a person that hurt them. To err is human and you can get to a point where you let bullsh!t get the better of you and you lash out back instead of coping more responsibly. I'm not justifying it but I understand how it can happen to the best of us. 

That being said, I think it's good that you pointed it out. I think that it's important for both of them to look at what roles they're playing in this toxic situation. 

Hopefully OP will get away from this guy and get counseling for herself and if so, this can be one more thing she can look at and work on.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If you love him, why not give him what he wants?
Just leave, then you can show you also love your baby and yourself.
Everyone happy, well, maybe except you.
But baby comes first, you're a mom now.
You don't get to stay with a guy who wants your baby dead just because you love him. It doesn't work that way.


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## Blossom Leigh

Break the silence on his abuse.... This was a good start. Also, tell your family and anyone who is support for you. Find your local domestic violence advocate to find out what your options are for emergency exit. They have private housing at their disposal. I am dealing very firmly with an abusive husband myself who is only making progress because he is doing the work. Your husband sounds way worse than mine and I am a very strong woman. If my H was worse, even as strong as I am I would have left and not looked back. In my experienced opinion, this one is not salvageable and your child is at grave risk.


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