# Ultimatum, Now What



## AlterEgo (Apr 5, 2013)

This is not really separation so apologize if wrong forum, but am looking for help on R. Looking for advice on how to move forward with R after 2 EAs of my wife. I believe she is dealing with MLC and possibly other older issues from growinig up though no expert. Over last few months I have been dealing with this and today did the ultimatum - either quit the behavior or it's over. I posted over in General Topics which can be found here with lots of details: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/70873-seriously-confused.html

Long story short is my wife has agreed to stop unhealthy activity, is very remorseful, and insists she wants to make us healthy. She says she loves me and I have her heart and soul and she does not want to lose that. I believe she feels this way right now.

We had big communication and intimacy issues before the first EA, but since then the intimacy has improved dramatically. Communication has been an issue still, at least her hearing what i was saying in rational fashion. Despite the communication issues on our marriage problems, our other communication (i.e. talk about stuff beyond daily grind) has improved as well. I think the ultimatum today basically broke through that wall on the marriage communication as she has finally admitted she was humiliated and agreed she was pushing blame on me instead of herself for her actions and ultimately my pain.

However, this is day 1. Where do I go from here? How do I interact with her? She seems to want to be very lovey and I am happy with that, but am confused as to will this give her a sense of complacency in resolving underlying issues that caused the EAs to begin with. Is it possible for her to just decide to make the change or will it cause resentment again down the road because there is no way to solve her issues without help? I still love her very deeply and really do not have to fall back in love as others say except that I know I will have trust issues for long time.

If things are going well, do I just let it go? Do I insist on some type of therapy right off the bat or wait to see how things go on our own? Do I have to keep my distance or be loving and happy, which is my natural disposition? I just don't want to be falsely happy and turn an inch of progress into a mile. Thanks for any advice. Is there a guide somewhere somebody can recommend?

AE


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did she give you the passwords to all of her online accounts and her cell phone?

What has she agreed to stop doing.. be specific.

Get the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Harley. The two of you need to read them and work through them together.

What we did was to take turns reading chapters, aloud. Then we could discuss the topics right then and there. It gave us a lot of time to bond and work through things.

You can make this exercise a requirement for staying with her. If you do this, you should come out the other end with a much stronger marriage.


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## AlterEgo (Apr 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did she give you the passwords to all of her online accounts and her cell phone?
> 
> What has she agreed to stop doing.. be specific.
> 
> ...


Thanks - I was very specific on what she is to stop and I do have the fb, email, phone, etc.. PWs

I will look at getting the books you mentioned.

Lou


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