# Accused Of Cheating Horror



## hopelessfool (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi All,

First time posting here but feel the need to chat in the hope of getting some perspective and clarity in my life. I've never written in a forum like this about any sort of issues i've had so am a bit freaked out atm. While I find writing therapeutic I hope I don't bore you with all the background story. I'm writing in this forum not because I have physically cheated with another but because it can be presumed that I had intended to.

We've been happily together for 15 years...married for 6 and have a beautiful 2 year old son. We've had our ups and downs (don't we all??) but I am proud of the life we have. My wife is everything to me....she excites me, challenges and supports me and still, after all these years, makes me smile just at the thought of her. We have a very loving relationship full of kisses and cuddles with daily "I love yous" and all that. 

Our sex life hasn't fared as well however with the frequency reducing dramatically over the years to a point now where we might make love once every few months. On the occasions we do get there it's clear we both still have our magic albeit a little out of practice  Before trying for our child (she had been very clucky for years) she felt that sex was for making babies and because we had no intention of starting a family at that time seemed to just lock it out of her life. I've found it very difficult supporting her through this with the ping of rejection a frequent feeling for me. I seem to go through a roller coaster emotions and have come to feel unattractive. We have talked about it and I know she loves me and I know she wants to play but simply cannot get there. I've never thought of leaving or anything like that....to me it's just part of our journey together. "Good things come to those who are patient" goes through my head constantly and if I'm honest I do feel quite lonely at times.

Anyway here comes my shame...
In the times of intimate drought I have turned to a little porn. I, in no way, consider myself to be an addict as I don't feel I need it to enjoy myself. I feel I should point out also that I don't like a lot of the porn that is out there...I simply find it boring, predictable and sometimes grouse. Personally I want some things to be left to the imagination so tend to gravitate towards normal, natural and curvy models who don't do hardcore. Maybe that sounds odd for a guy to say?? Funny thing is when I look at pictures of girls just modeling...I kinda imagine my wife doing it (as she has in the past for me) and that's what excites me. 

Anyway wifey has "issues" with porn and my little stash has been found 4-5 times over the years with an argument and tears not far behind. She has simply said she doesn't like it and because of the emotion of the situation have never really talked it through more than that. I've always felt embarrassed,ashamed and gutted whenever this has happened and have always deleted anything I have.

So recently (about 5 months ago) I set up an email account so I could join a site as I was feeling quite low. My intention was to just use this account to sign up so any emails wouldn't be seen in my normal accounts. This was all fine...not really getting much use out of it but filling a gap occasionally. 

During this time I received an email to an adult dating site and this is where I went off the rails. In this email it was saying there's x number of people in my area. now, I live in a fairly small town so I got to thinking if it was real or not. I'd never been to a site like this (why would I?) so thought I'd have a look to see if the ad was genuine or all a hoax. I thought that seeing as I don't intend on keeping my email address alive forever I don't care if I get spammed like crazy from it. So I clicked the link and had to fill out a profile questionnaire and did a search. I quickly found that it all looked fake with it trying to get me to purchase a membership. About 20 minutes later I logged out and never gave it another thought since. 

Stupid me forgets to delete my history and wifey sees it. Now my life is upside down with us both being emotionally wrecked. I'm so scared I've just gone and screwed up everything that is important to me through this. I've explained myself just as I have here but even I think it sounds lame. I'm absolutely @#$%ing myself that I'll lose her over this. 

Sorry for the length of this post. I don't really know what to ask of this forum but any thoughts would be appreciated. 

Thanks for reading.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Time for complete and abject honesty between the two of you and probably a trip to a marriage counselor as well. That's a very slippery slope you were standing on (the hook up site, not the porn so much) and there are lots of stories here about people cheating via those sites via any number of means (face to face, chat, ect...). Only you know why you were really there but you need to answer that question and communicate it to your wife, honesty and openness. You went through several deliberate steps to get into that site, it was not an accident and you intended to conceal it and just forgot indicating you knew it would hurt your W.

Your W now has the right to be suspicious and it's up to you to restore her confidence. You didn't cheat from what you posted but you were playing with fire. Talk it out with your wife, get a counselor if you need to, but get to the bottom of it. 

Are you sure you didn't intend to in some form??


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sigma, I don't know that he was playing with fire necessarily. It could be just voyeuristic tendencies craving to see if there are any familiar faces on there to get some dirt and fuel the fantasy. Still it is addicting and the OP should own up to it as an addiction - as shameful as that word sounds it isn't meant to castigate him, but only when he owns up to it then can he overcome that. I probably consider myself a porn addict even though it hasn't consumed me and I probably use it a lot less than other guys who simply don't give it much of a thought. I too would go as far as seeing what was on a hookup site but I'd never have gone as far making a profile or actually meeting anyone - it is voyeurism and the desire to remain completely hidden.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

And I agree that he should come completely clean with his W. Also, in hindsight I learned after that my W was a little into porn as well and if both of us had been more honest with each other we "possibly" could have used it as a healthy way to spice up our sex life, not saying this is his real problem but now that he has betrayed his wife's trust he has done a lot of damage and has to do some real work to show he doesn't want to hurt her anymore, which probably means abstaining for the pornography for a long time.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

True enough. All I meant was that by putting himself in that arena he opened himself to someone propositioning him in just the right way that he slips one step to far. This happens even on Facebook. Just seems to me that setting up email accounts and creating a profile on a hook up site is dangerous - curiosity has killed way more than one cat.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I think you are making excuses: Both for her and for you. First step is to get honest with yourself and your wife.

The reality is that a sexless marriage ISN'T okay for you. It makes you feel unloved and unattractive. So tell her and don't let her blow it off. I think you went on the dating site because you feel sh*tty and you wanted relief. Curiousity is the sanitized way to present it, but you were really dipping your toe in sexual waters.

I don't blame or judge you for it. It feels bad to be frequently rejected by one's wife. And it makes a man hate himself if he's not careful.

I think the real issue here is religious repressed and two spouses who are dishonest with each other about their needs. You have to decide if you are willing to be honest with her that you are not okay with you marriage you have and that her behaviour makes you feel weak, unloved and depressed.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This is a slippery slope he was headed down. He was curious in more than just the way he is willing to admit at this point. I understand that part is about shame.

I think the op is coming to us for two things. One is to figure out how to put out this fire. The other is to help save a long term marriage that is not meeting his core needs.

While seeing this latest incident as being about the lack of sex in the marriage is completely valid, this is a bad time to basically say that she put him in this position. She did. No argument. First he needs stability and second he and she, need to address this huge chasm that she has created.

Someone please post that focus on the family link about sex. It is a religious article and I think mon-threateni. 

This guy is trying very hard. I think he has been put in a difficult situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Did your wife actually believe that virtually no sex was somehow going to be okay for you? I'll be clear and say that she is not to blame, but I cannot understand her feelings. And, you were likely fooling yourself when you tried to convince yourself that your marriage was happy. If it was truly happy, then I think the porn would have been a non-issue. You'd either embrace it together, or you wouldn't need it. Time for full honesty, but don't spare her from accepting her own naive view of marriage in going forward.


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## Distressed99 (Oct 22, 2010)

I do feel for your predicament. Married to a woman whom you feel attracted to and she does not want to have sex - what does she expect a man to do? I am woman and I know how important sex is in a marriage especially to a man with a healthy libido. Your wife needs to wake up and smell the coffee - sex is a part of marriage and it is missing from your relationship. You are bound to look for other opportunities unless you address the fact that she is not interested in sex.

A trip to her family doctor as well as counseling is in order. Maybe this incident has created the urgency necessary for both of you to work through this.

All the bes to you!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

*** Thread Jack***
Will respond to poster but wanted to make an observation. 

It seems that 90% of the post from men in sex starved marriages start out with glowing statements about the wife and the relationship. Then way way down the narrative he reports that he is starved for sex intimacy and all tgat goes along with that dynamic. 

I just find it interesting that there is such a common pattern and just wondered why. 

I cannot profess to know what it feels like to be a man with a healthy sex drive but I can imagine that it is miserable to have to hold it together under the limiting sexual expression. I would be very angry with my lovely wife even if she were clueless. I would be leading the thread with that. Someone will have to pry the depth of feeling out of the OP let him know he is normal. 

What I am saying is that I am convinced from reading post on TAM that the average man seems to feel that he should be able to down regulate his sex drive to match his wife?? I don't know. I thought women were cluless but I'm begining to think that men have no clue about their sexuality either. 

**** the end ****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopelessfool (Jul 19, 2011)

Thanks for the replies guys. Didn't realize I'd get so many.

Sigma...you're right I did go through a number of deliberate steps to get there and I've been doing a lot of soul searching to figure out why. I can only be honest here...i'm absolutely sh%t at lying and anyway recognize that now is a time for truth - it's make or break for me so the bull$%^& is out the window. I simply didn't believe that there was so many people around here like the ad said. I was stunned when my W asked if I'd received any mails from anyone on there. It was like I hadn't even thought of being in that situation. The idea of contacting anyone or being contacted seemed utterly absurd to me but hearing her ask me suddenly made me realize the full extent of my stupid action.

Lon...I'm not entirely sure what addiction you're asking me to own up to here. Porn? Yes, I could probably say I have some mild cravings for at times when intimacy is nil. If that makes me addicted...then yes I'm addicted. I feel I should point out however that looking at images of my W gives me the most fulfillment of all and is usually my only preference....should I stop that too?? I have since deleted my porn and have no intention of going there again...it's just not worth it. The site required me to click a few boxes to be able to do a search which was the reason why i did that questionnaire.

Seeking sanity....thanks. Your words ring true. I've felt rubbish for a long time. She's never really blown the issue off when it's bought up...if anything she gets upset and appears to be as frustrated about it as me. She's described it as her head wants to play but her body just doesn't trigger. Hugs and kisses seemed to be all she needed. We had talked about it a lot and I'd tried to express me needs but because of the upset state always found it would get locked down. I need to work on that.

Through this situation I've really tried to figure out where sex lies in my life. Sure it's a part that I desire and want...but it all means nothing if it isn't with my W. I've always aspired to be a good H and father (my grandfather is my biggest inspiration) and feel incredibly depressed and ashamed that I'm in this situation. I feel as if a refreshing change is around the corner for me on a personal level but I'm just praying that I have the one I love beside me.


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## hopelessfool (Jul 19, 2011)

Haaa...Interesting observation Catherine. I've only jumped on this site this morning and have only read a couple of threads so far. I wouldn't say that raising the issues in my relationship on my 3rd paragraph is way way down my narrative but I accept that I'm giving the good story with the bad. I guess my hope was to give an over view of it all...not just the issues at hand.

thanks


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> *** Thread Jack***
> Will respond to poster but wanted to make an observation.
> 
> It seems that 90% of the post from men in sex starved marriages start out with glowing statements about the wife and the relationship. Then way way down the narrative he reports that he is starved for sex intimacy and all tgat goes along with that dynamic.
> ...


If she cheated, then probably 99% of people will understand if it starts with brutal fact. This is different. This is an otherwise great woman, whom he loves dearly. Men will often set a baseline for their thoughts before listing problems. I think it is admirable to to try to make sure that she is properly understood, yet I can't help but think that the reflexive tendency to do this is probably part of the overall marriage dynamic. A little bit of fiery anger heats up the bed, as my native american grandmother was wont to say. Funny, but that never seemed to make sense when I was a kid.

I'm sure that other posters might suggest looking up the Nice Guy threads in the men's clubhouse.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't believe you can be a good wife and choose to deny your husband sex. Likewise for a man denying.

People esp men, do not get married to have no sex. In marriage we have been taught that sex is holy and sacred. It is the only difference between friendship and marriage.
This situation is only going to get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> *** Thread Jack***
> Will respond to poster but wanted to make an observation.
> 
> It seems that 90% of the post from men in sex starved marriages start out with glowing statements about the wife and the relationship. Then way way down the narrative he reports that he is starved for sex intimacy and all tgat goes along with that dynamic.
> ...


I think this is an interesting observation and to me it relates to core male desires. (Most) guys want to protect as a way to feel masculine, it part of our breeding, I guess. So in giving the glowing statements it's a way to protect our women in public. I think it also comes from a desire to be "good", which is one of those nice guy things people refer to. The desire to be "good" comes out of codependency, and a negative self-image. We're never "good" enough, and think "If I'm just a little better, I'll get my needs met." 

It doesn't really come into our heads, at least for nice guys, that our women may be the cause of the problem. A healthy man would see this and take steps to address it or move on. Nice guys migrate to suffering as if after a sufficient period of atonement they'll earn the right to be happy and have their needs met.


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## hopelessfool (Jul 19, 2011)

Thanks again guys. I've be reading through your thoughts and although a lot of it is tough to swallow I feel I'm finding my way a bit.

ClipClop...I hope your forecast is wrong here. I can't help but go back to the thought that she isn't choosing to deny me sex. To me that sounds like a conscious decision and I don't think it's that simple for her. I have thought for a long time that it is more medical or stress related or something like that. I know that she loves (loved...dang...we'll find out!!) me and she says she finds me very attractive so I have tried to hang on those words for a long time. I have even suggested we go together to see our doctor or do some counseling type option. This was usually met with a swift end of discussion. I think a large part of my problem on that issue has been her ownership of the problem. She has essentially blocked me from having any involvement in trying to get us better taking on all the stress of the situation even more I suppose. This was possibly through embarrassment or the worry of a third party knowing or being involved.

I'm definitely going to suggest we get some sort of help here. If she thinks we can get where we need on our own then fine...but i feel I may look at seeking some sort of counseling anyway to help with the bigger picture.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Here is the thing I hope you are hearing here, your wife needs to make SEX a conscious decission and start participating in your M. 

Do not make excuses for her lack of interest in your M. If she has a medical condition, she needs to get help.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

hopelessfool said:


> Thanks again guys. I've be reading through your thoughts and although a lot of it is tough to swallow I feel I'm finding my way a bit.
> 
> ClipClop...I hope your forecast is wrong here. I can't help but go back to the thought that she isn't choosing to deny me sex. To me that sounds like a conscious decision and I don't think it's that simple for her. I have thought for a long time that it is more medical or stress related or something like that. I know that she loves (loved...dang...we'll find out!!) me and she says she finds me very attractive so I have tried to hang on those words for a long time. I have even suggested we go together to see our doctor or do some counseling type option. This was usually met with a swift end of discussion. I think a large part of my problem on that issue has been her ownership of the problem. She has essentially blocked me from having any involvement in trying to get us better taking on all the stress of the situation even more I suppose. This was possibly through embarrassment or the worry of a third party knowing or being involved.
> 
> I'm definitely going to suggest we get some sort of help here. If she thinks we can get where we need on our own then fine...but i feel I may look at seeking some sort of counseling anyway to help with the bigger picture.


When you think about how little sex there is in the relationship, I think the problem is that you are only seeing a couple of options, one of which is difficult for you to swallow (that she is consciously denying sex).

The problem is, and what some are trying to suggest, is that some people look at a healthy sex life includes a completely different set of dynamics. If sex is not happening, and she is not actively denying you, then you may not be aware of the behaviors that can make you into the type of man where she would not consider turning you down regularly. Perhaps you see sex as driven by love, but can learn to see that building upon the behaviors you used to pursue her before marriage can change the sexual dynamics of the relationship. 

Do you ask for sex, and then she says 'no'? 

Do you wait for some subtle cues to arise to let you know that sex is okay? 

If you've been letting her know that you need it, but she refuses, then this is a choice to not meet your needs. I guess you are saying that a different dynamic exists.

What I'm suggesting is that you've sold yourself on the belief that she loves you, finds you attractive, so no sex is purely the result of her low drive. Maybe you even try hard to be a good husband, by making her life happier through helping around the house, and working hard in your career. A number of men here have embarked upon a journey to re-align the way they think regarding their sex life.

At work, and among my friends, I'm referred to as a determined driver personality. For over 20 years of my marriage, I asumed that every man was like this at home, but that most just parked it with their car when they got to work.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Your wife needs to understand and be able to empathize with you about what the lack of sex does to you. Other wise she may never get it.

I would say it's like never hearing I love you or feeling loved. Like wishing and hoping every day to be loved, to feel loved and to hear the person you love say them back. Heartbreaking really. It is an extension of love.

Your marriage without sex and a sexual connection is broken, and there is no point denying that. 

That said what you have done on it's own would be enough cause for me to leave. There is no excuse for that, and it's not attractive, it's not manly, it's cowardly harmful and hurtful.

Women find real men attractive, good men who will not be pushovers, but who also value women and their marriage vows. What you did, to me is one of the least attractive things a man can do. If he has no idea of his own moral compass then I would be very wary of investing in him, and definitely not want to invest in him in the bedroom.


To be clear though you both need counseling.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

That she shuts down any help that might improve the situation is a clear sign that she is consciously denying sex. Whst are her fears? Ask her. This is important. You can't let her off the hook in these discussions.

She probably does love you. But her fears outweigh that love. Sympathize with those fears, tell her you sfr there for her but be clear how grateful you will be for her making the effort. However, for your marriage to remain good, this must happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Hopeless,

I think you should sit your wife down and talk about how the sex 1x every 2-3 months isn't fulfilling your sexual needs. That is serious business. Will she go to counselling with you? Tell her how it makes you feel and how you really want to have sex with her since you're sex. attracted to her.

I discovered my ex-husband was online sites soliciting sex and it really hurt me. He swears he never me with anyone but at this piont, I can't say I ever will believe him, even now that we're not together. One vast difference was that we had a very active sex life. I will tell you I'm pretty sure it hurt your wife.

I think you guys need to talk about how you feel. How is your relationship with her? Are you meeting her emotional needs? Do you get along for the most part? Women who feel neglected have a lower libido. But if you are meeting her needs in those areas, it's something else (that is going on).


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> What I am saying is that I am convinced from reading post on TAM that the average man seems to feel that he should be able to down regulate his sex drive to match his wife?? I don't know. I thought women were cluless but I'm begining to think that men have no clue about their sexuality either.
> 
> **** the end ****
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well - from a guy's perspective, we've been told all along (broad generalization) "the only thing men want is sex', relationships are not all about sex, is sex all you think about???' Blah blah blah... So I think many men (not just 'nice guys') think they have to 'regulate down' their sex drive to suit their relationship. Especially if many other aspects of the marriage are going ok (which too is often part of this scenario).

Instead we should be saying, yes, I think about sex all the time, it's not all about sex - but a big part of it, etc. 

AND, many women (not saying what %) don't get that guys need sex. Regularly. I was astonished that a couple of weeks ago, my 47 year old wife of 20 years said to me, 'you seem to get edgey if we don't have sex every 2-3 days.' Seriously? You're just figuring this out? Maybe it was a head game, but made me think. WTF?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I get edgy too and I am a women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> I get edgy too and I am a women.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess this is why I've been edgy for over a yr! And I am a woman too! Yes, there are women out there being denied also 

To OP: I hope your wife turns this around. From personal experience, your resentment may grow the longer this goes on, and you may start not even recognizing yourself in the mirror, when those desires hit a point where you look outside the marriage for fulfillment. Sounds like you may already be on that slope. You may start hating yourself for your need of intimacy, feel that you are a bad person for wanting it. I am in counseling now, it is helping me see that I'm not bad. It is also helping me see that this cannot go on forever, if the situation doesn't improve, I must move on for my own mental sanity. Being rejected just plain hurts, and will eventually tear you down.

I wish you the best.
Stumble


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I just realized how forlorn and pessimistic I sounded on that post, sorry. This you should know, my relationship has MANY problems, lack of sex is just one. Sounds like you guys have a decent relationship despite the intimacy issue...so, you have a good shot at making things work. Once again, luck to you both!


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