# Time To Be Strong Or Give Up?



## Marty1138 (Dec 13, 2011)

Need help here.... 

My wife and I are separated approximately 5 weeks ago due to my verbal abuse over seemingly most our marriage which was all due to trying to make a better life for both of us than where we live however, truthfully my mean tone was unknown to me at the time she told me how I was behaving. When she told me how I have hurt her emotionally for a number of years my world fell apart from what I had done to her, it hit me like a ton of rocks!! and to be honest still does even now and I feel so guilty and bad for being that person. 

Looking back through my life as a young child I was emotionally abused and bullied a lot throughout my young and adult life and unknown to me until obviously now that verbal abuse got passed on in my marriage soon after getting married to the point that my wife is completely done. I have been through all the trying to fix the marriage and upset we all have from the start and have finally realized after apologizing over and over, writing her a letter, sitting with her explaining what I think was the cause from my past life that this has to be her decision now whether to make the marriage work or not. 

Now something strange happened and my wife agrees to this too! Once finding out the monster I have been to her I tried to commit suicide by carbon monoxide and by taking a large amount of sleeping pills because I couldn't fix what I did or turn back the hands on the clock so I simply couldn't live with losing her for something I didn't honestly know I was doing to her back then! Also, to be honest knowing the full pain I have caused her for so long taking my life and allowing her to quickly move on without me was the very least I could do for her. She would also had received a large life insurance pay out which I felt would had made things easier too to move on with her new life and allow her money to wipe the memory of me with vacations and a new house etc. At that time it was very least I could do to help turn back the clock to a life without me and hopefully to a place in her life before she met me. 

The suicide didn't work my body refuse to die although I was missing for 36 hours and have no real memory of that. I ended up in a hospital one morning and a mental hospital for 3 days but all the doctors I spoke with were actually amazed I am still alive and have no brain damage for the amount of poison or whatever was in my system at the time. Now this is the part which is strange my personality, my verbal abusive ways and control has disappeared completely since the day of my suicide, I do not even have to try to keep anything under control or act a certain way. Even my wife wonders if i had some kind of miracle and she sees the change in me before she left to go live with her parents and even when here changing out clothes. 

Personally I think I did die that day briefly and was shown the error of my ways on the other side. I now know that I am here for a purpose because everything about me is now different, I care more about people than I ever did before, not just about my business anymore, even money doesn't matter the same to me as it did before, more so than my own marriage she told me BUT now I have be shown a different way to live my life and feel so different within myself so my question is... do you reckon there is a chance to save my marriage or more importantly do I deserve a 2nd chance?

My wife accepts there is a big change in me but before she finally told me about how unhappy she has been for years with my verbal attitude that a few weeks before she was getting ready to tell me she was done and filing for a divorce she met an old male friend online she dated briefly about 10 years ago and they are now seeing each other which in all fairness I deserve, she lives with her parents about 70 miles away and I see her here with our dog once a week on Sundays for a few hours. 

She has told me even just a few days ago she doesn't love me, and wants a divorce soon as possible because I see in her eyes when talking to her the hurt and complete bitterness towards me right now for all the years of emotional abuse, that I can't say or do anything to change her mind and to be honest given my past... perhaps I shouldn't and accept losing the love of my life. 
as punishment!

Until a couple of days ago I was the one trying my best to fix the marriage that I'm not that monster anymore and I do care more than anything whatsoever in the World! I told her but nothing works so I read here that doing the 180 and limiting no contact and agreeing with everything she tells me she wants to do right now is my only real chance and to be strong in the hope she realizes before divorce papers are signed that the chance in me is worth coming home too. 

I have never been religious I believed in God and an after life but since my attempted suicide life has honestly change for me, everything even the leafs on the trees to the person in a wheel chair yesterday i see more through open eyes and love. The song Amazing Grace, I was blind yet now I see is completely how I feel now.

My real heart now tells me I'm losing the most important person I ever had in my life yet also the nicer new me tells me not to be selfish and let her go. 

Any advice much appreciated, Thank you.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Amazing story. I'm glad you didn't complete the task successfully. Besides, life insurance does not pay for suicide. I also think you did die, and was given a second chance to "live". I say "live" because you were saved for a reason. It may or may not involve keeping your wife.

I don't have any experience to offer other than I have thought of doing what you had tried to do. But didn't since it would cause even more pain for her and others. So I started to look for ways to make it look like an accident. Gave up on that idea too. Death is death, no matter how you die.

As far as your wife, I would sit her down and tell her how you changed, and that you would like one final opportunity to make the marriage work. Also tell her that if she says no, that you will support her in her finding happiness that she deserves. That is going to be tough. But it shows that her happiness is your priority. 

Just my thoughts. I could be very wrong.


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## Marty1138 (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks for your reply

The more I think about my past, the way I acted for so long and my marriage and overnight change I strongly believe I did die that night, if only briefly? I don't believe given how from my own point of view and my wife too how I could of changed so completely not even the shock when she told me that day of wanting a divorce and why would of done that so quickly. 

I would love the opportunity to sit with her and try explain how our new marriage would be so much stronger now and better but given her bitterness and desire to move on with the divorce I can't get through to her so given the fact she is living with her parents right now and more than likely seeing this guy I can only put my faith down to the Lord in saving my marriage and be strong. These last 2 days I have done a complete 180 because I'm not going to be a door mat even if I did do wrong I am worth a hell of a lot especially now and if she decides to move on with her life so be it. She knows I left the door open for her but that I'm not going to constantly bang my head against a brick wall when clearly she has this fog or bitterness within towards me, in time if we are meant to stay together we will and I will get a 2nd chance at spending the rest of my life making it up to her.


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