# Not ready, but may not have a choice



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I've been married for nearly 20 years. We have two wonderful kids and started out very happy. A few years into our marriage, I had some pretty severe emotional issues. I had some weight problems that resulted in pretty bad self esteem issues, and then I lost both of my (young) parents within a year and a half of each other. It just got worse from there.

During this time, my husband cheated on me. It was a horrible thing for us to go through, but I know I was not there for him. I wasn't anywhere. I'm not justifying what he did, but I was pretty unaccessible, and I understand that. 

Eventually, he very lovingly and kindly suggested therapy for me. I went, and dealt with a lot of things I needed to deal with. I set a goal to get a college degree in something I am passionate about, and I had surgery to help me lose weight. While in school full time, I also worked part time and managed most of the household chores, kids stuff, shopping, etc. I admit to being self absorbed, but looking back, don't see it going down any other way without major changes from my husband. He's often not home, for a variety of reasons. When he is, he usually likes to relax with the tv on. Not much for doing chores together or just hanging out.

We did seek some counseling during that time, but it kind of faded out, and I suppose I swept more than a few things under the rug. We both did. 

Now, I am in a career I love, our youngest is looking at colleges, and it is looking like my husband made up his mind years ago that we are done. He doesn't want to spend the money on therapy, because he thinks we can talk through stuff on our own. So far, we have had several good "sessions", but I have an overwhelming feeling that he is humoring me, and it's not going to make a difference. 

We are both very kind and calm people, and have both overlooked a lot just because we are too nice to make a fuss. He brings up a lot of good points about my happiness and whether he can really provide things to contribute to that. But part of what makes me happy is what we can be when we are together, and what our family is when we are together. I just don't know if I'm willing to give up yet, but fighting may not be an option anymore.

There is so much more I could say, but I guess this is a good start. Any and all advice is so very welcome. Thanks.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

First does he say he wants to work things out, or is he unsure?

He can't expect himself to make you happy, and you shouldn't expect that either. I think it is great to say that your family makes you happy, but don't forget about yourself. I assume, before kids, before marriage that you had interests for only yourself, perhaps shared with friends, but you weren't "burdened" by being a mother or wife. (I don't mean that this is a burden in itself....but yes, sometimes it can be). 

There are couples that find it hard to connect once the kids leave, because you have focused on the kids and family and lost what you have had with your partner. 

Also, if you are both as calm as you say, and perhaps overlooking things to keep the peace...there may be some resentment over the years that you guys really should address. But don't make it all work, try to have some fun times. Can you re-enact your first date with him?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He's unsure if we can make it work. I appreciate his honesty about that, at least. We both have interests apart from one another-I have girlfriends and activities, he has a part time job he enjoys, plus a couple of rec sports activities. I think the fear is that our kids really are the only thing that we share. Truly, aside from this big elephant in the corner, my life is really great right now.

I guess I'm struggling with connecting and having fun now knowing how far gone he seems to be. How do you avoid the "why bother" phenomenon?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks to both of you for the kind words and input. I do appreciate it. I have been thinking of speaking to him about counseling. We do have good talks... even hard talks, but I feel like we might need the guidance of a professional. Especially since he has some issues that we cannot work through together. I think if he's unwilling to do that, I know for sure that he's done. But at this point, we truly have nothing to lose.

I will talk to him about trying to do something fun together, too. It will take a little work on our part-I honestly don't even know what we would do together. That's really sad.  But it's a great idea. Maybe we do something that neither of us has thought to do before. I like that idea. 

Thanks for being here. I've been reading the boards. You guys seem pretty great.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Those are some great ideas, thank you! I did bring this up to him over the holiday. We haven't talked about it since, but he agreed to give it some thought. We both agree that we had so much fun together early in our marriage, it makes sense to try to find fun while we work to see if we can save us. Thanks for the ideas -and the prayers!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

What's it like in between all the big talks?
Is he the one who brings up the uncertainty in your future or it it you?
I think it's Michelle Weiner Davies? (divorce busting) that has spoken and written about acting 'as if'.
Sometimes the analysing and counselling can be over done.
Maybe try living in the moment and see how that goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Between the talks we do our day to day routines. He is not home much for a variety of reasons, so I do my own things, plus handle household things.

Recently, I can see has made an effort to be home more, and to be in touch with me more. He's been very engaged in phone conversations, too. 

One worry we both have is that we do talk a lot about our son. It's hard not to, since I am with him more, so I am often filling my husband in on our son's day. The thing is, he's off to college in the fall, so there is definitely the worry about what we will talk about when we aren't talking about him. I'm trying to be aware of that when we talk, though.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Bothtoonice said:


> Between the talks we do our day to day routines. He is not home much for a variety of reasons, so I do my own things, plus handle household things.
> 
> Recently, I can see has made an effort to be home more, and to be in touch with me more. He's been very engaged in phone conversations, too.
> 
> One worry we both have is that we do talk a lot about our son. It's hard not to, since I am with him more, so I am often filling my husband in on our son's day. The thing is, he's off to college in the fall, so there is definitely the worry about what we will talk about when we aren't talking about him. I'm trying to be aware of that when we talk, though.


I think your concern once your son goes off to college is valid and fairly common. I would recommend not only trying to reconnect now (which it appears you are trying) but also find some things about yourself other than being a mom.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I just went back to read this first post. Much of what I came here initially to say is unchanged, but my husband is in IC now, and as I have mentioned in other posts, I am looking into it for myself as well. His being in IC is huge and I think long overdue. I'm confident that he recognizes that, too, which is a good thing. He wasn't an easy person to give love to prior to when I myself withdrew, and it become much worse when I stopped trying. He's independent to a fault.

We have still been having some good talks on our own, which I am so very grateful for. He has told me straight out that he really just thinks we are done, and that we both deserve a happiness that he doesn't think we can provide each other. (Thankfully, so far, I have not yet been degraded with the ILYBINILWY.) It occurred to me last night while we talked, though, how very unfair it all is.

I spent all those years on my self esteem, becoming more than I ever hoped I would become. And yet, in this thing, I'm being told that I don't have a choice. That's not really fair and I told him so. He may have decided this a long time ago, but I'm not ready to just succumb to that. Especially when he has his own insecurities that he needs to work through. 

I guess I just think that we deserve for both of us to be emotionally stable and strong before we decide that we are incapable of making each other happy again. 

He agreed that my points were worth thinking about, and I think our overall conversation gave him at least a few hours of therapy fodder. 

So, I guess just in having said all of this I am starting to feel a little strength. It helps me to know that this is probably the first post I've made on here about this without breaking into sobs. That's a start, right?

Anyway, as always, thanks just for being here. Even if no one reads this, it's so therapeutic to just get it out. We have such a long road ahead, and I have no clue where it ends. It's just really overwhelming some days.


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