# Any Foster, or Foster-to-Adopt parents? Words of advice?



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi TAMMers!

So a few weeks ago, on the eve of our son's 4th birthday, my husband told me he'd been thinking, maybe we should think about adopting a child. This is a complete 180 for him! Exciting!!!

We are strongly considering doing Foster-to-Adopt. I've been reading, researching, delving into blogs ever since my husband made this announcement. We are going to our area's Adoption and Foster Care information session next week.

We would only accept very young kids for now- no older than our son. If we are accepted and receive placements, we know that we will likely have several before- if ever- we are able/agreeable to adopt a child. And, although we are looking currently at youngsters, my first post-college jobs were in mental health working with kids, at first individually, then at a residential treatment center, with an on-site locked hospital for kids; I have some experience with the behaviors that many abused/traumatized kids can have. I am not completely naive about the incredible challenges and difficulties that can be part of raising a traumatized child. 

I have read just about every blog and forum I can find. Most of what I've found either documents difficulties with older kids, and/or just generally difficulties dealing with the foster care system. I wonder if this isn't just a self-selection issue, similar to what we see on TAM, where the people who blog/forum are generally people having difficulties. 

I did a search on TAM to see if anyone has posted about foster care, and there are very few posts, mostly from a few years ago. So I figured, might was well put another one up.

So- are there any foster parents on TAM? Anyone who has adopted a child out of foster care? Do you have any words of wisdom? Anything you wished you knew back at the start, or anything you would have done differently? Care to share?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening RoseAglow
My wife and I were interested in adopting some years ago, looked into foster->adopt, but started by doing short term "shelter" care. 

For us it was a terrible experience - I still have nightmares. It may be very different in your location / situation. I'll ignore all of the personal issues we had - that children were not right for us, but instead talk about the process. I will change a few details so a web search can't possibly correlate this.

We went through the training / security checks, no problem. We are fairly wealthy so any issues with getting paid were not important. 

One evening child protective services dropped by two girls "Alice" 5, and "Gina" age 11. We were told that Alice had been sexually abused at home. That their parents were mentally disabled, as was Gina.

They had been taken out of their home at 1 in the morning by child protective services, and whisked off to a group home. Both children seemed normal, well adjusted, and surprisingly happy considering the circumstances.

In the next week things started to go bad. I had a mild argument with Gina over using the computer. Nothing big, but she tried to threaten me by saying "I'll tell them you touched me". I thought it was manageable and that she didn't mean th threat (we got along very well). But my wife heard and called child protective services to see what to do. Well then came by immediately and too Gina away - leaving Alice alone. Alice had been OK since she had her sister, but now she was alone, separated from everyone she knew and absolutely devastated. It took a long time for her to become comfortable again.

Considering what we had been told had happened we were surprised that Alice seemed so normal. More information gradually came in. The social worker who had reported the abuse visited often, and became close to my wife. So close that at one point she confided that "their father had nasty pictures in the bedroom, and I told him that if he didn't remove them I'd take the children away". (hmm, that is not what he was accused of). 

The original claim was that Alice had genital irritation from sexual abuse. We got the lab results (we weren't supposed to but we did....) - no evidence of abuse. We talked with Alice's doctor - she said the irritation was completely normal, from her not washing herself properly, not evidence of abuse. We listened in on a psych evaluation, and the psychiatrist concluded that there was nothing unusual. 

We got permission to let her visit the parents and her sister. The parent seemed completely normal, no sign of the "mental disabilities" we had been told about.

After 6 months CPS concluded in their investigation that the girl had not been abuse. So they sent her home? NO.

At some point the father (now known to be innocent) started shouting at CPS because his children had been taken away. They decided that he needed "anger management" classes for 6 months before he could have his children back.

There was a court case (we were told illegally that we were not allowed to attend). We wrote a long letter to the judge - sent by registered mail. It was never received, the court just tossed it. 

Not wanting to stay part of an organization that is funded by taking children away from their parents, we eventually told them that we could not be part of this anymore - and she was sent to another home.

The local newspaper did a large investigation of the foster system in our area a year or two later and found a huge range of abuses - no representation in court, children taken out of their homes without real cause, poor and unmonitored conditions at homes, etc. etc .

I've seen similar reports from other areas.

So, my advice is to be very alert. Some of these programs are really dirty. In thinking that you are doing a good deed, you may actually be contributing to a terribly abusive system.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi richardsharpe,

What a terrible and sad story! I have heard some complaints about kids being taken unjustly; there is a poster on another relationship board that I've followed who had her child taken away for a short period of time. I suspect it was an unjust removal. 

Usually around here it seems to be the opposite- kids aren't removed when they need to be. My area is currently reeling from a horrible crime where a very young child was literally hung by his feet and tortured to death by his mom and her boyfriend. I start crying every time I think about it, even now. The Dept of Family and Health Services is under scrutiny because the boy's brother had been missing from kindergarten for two consecutive weeks before the death was made known; shouldn't someone have gone to the house to find out why? If they had, could they have saved that poor little boy? Once the police found the dead child, the kindergartner and an 11-month infant were removed from the house and are somewhere in the foster care system.

Most of what I've read online so far has involved discussions of how terrible the system is- it is the one thing that birth parents, foster parents, and foster children all agree on. 

I don't know how to find out exactly how bad the system is online; much like yourself, people who are posting go to great lengths to remain anonymous, so they won't discuss their locations.

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I am sorry it was such a bad experience for you, and for the children and their parents. I hope they were able to reunite and continue their lives together at some point.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening RoseAglow
One of the issues is that you are legally bound to not reveal any information about foster children. This is for good reason, but it makes it a big issue to talk to the press.

To me the root cause was CPS not realizing the harm they were doing by taking children out of their homes. The harm from physical child abuse is obvious, but when there is uncertainty, that harm needs to be balanced against the very real harm done to a child who is taken out of their home.


We were fortunate to be wealthy enough to spoil "Alice". It didn't make things OK, but it was as much as we could do. Once I remember asking her where she would like to go for her birthday - she could go anywhere she wanted. I was expecting "Disneyland" which we could have done. Instead she said "I want to go home with mom and dad"

10 years later there are tears in my eyes as I write this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I was a CASA for 11 years and saw one of the better foster care systems up close and personal. I worked for an urban nonprofit "youth development" for 6 years and saw one of the worst foster care systems up close and personal. 

Rose, hats off to you! These kids need people like you and your husband in the worst way! 

There are some truly dedicated people working as case workers, and there are some horrible stupid, repugnant and ignorant asses working as case workers! I reported one case worker because she believed the teenaged lesbian could pray the gay away and refused to find a home that would accept the child being gay.

Here is the one thing I think every foster parent needs to know. These kids can't give love until they've gotten enough love to fill the void they were born into. So if you need this child to love you back anytime soon, don't foster.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Have never fostered but I have considered it. I think I will do so when my children are grown or at least teenagers so long as my spouse is on board.

Some kids end up in foster care, not because of abuse but because their parents die and there is no where else for them to go. As was the case with myself and both my sister and I ended up as crown wards. 

Having been on the receiving end of foster care when I was thirteen through to fifteen, it can be good and bad. I have been in good placements and bad ones. Still, I was bounced around so much with no real sense of security that the entire experience left me pretty jaded I must say. I basically emancipated myself at sixteen as in Canada, you can choose where to live once you turn sixteen.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

richardsharpe, AnonPink, Miss Taken- Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciate it!

We went to the initial information meeting last week. Interestingly there were two other women who work within the foster care system; they were each starting the process to open their houses with this agency. Hopefully that is a good sign.

The official training starts in January, hopefully all goes well! Right now we are so busy it's hard to imagine adding anything else to our lives, let alone foster care, with its many appointments, visits, etc. But we are going to start the home study process at least and go from there.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

My story is a bit different but relevant I think. My husband and I adopted a 5 year old girl (DD) whose adoptive mother died after a long illness. DD had been in a Chinese orphanage since birth, was adopted by an American woman at 14 months and brought to the USA.

At the time China’s orphan/abandoned child programs were severely understaffed and underfunded. Babies were warehoused, tied to beds (arms and legs), fed rice milk from propped up bottles and had almost no interaction with their caretakers. At DD’s orphanage there were 3 caretakers per 100 babies. When she was first adopted at 14 months she had bruises on her chest, rope-burn scars on her legs and arms and was completely nonverbal. She made no sounds at all even when she cried. After her adoption and by the time she was 3 years old, she was developmentally normal, completely healthy and even verbally gifted.

DD had, up to age 5, known us as aunt and uncle, now we were to be her parents with me being her “3rd mom”. The transition was fine for about 3 months and then DD began to act out in violent ways and only in my presence. She could be in the process of raging and hitting me and then, if my H walked in the room she would instantly change into a smiling sweet little girl. She would threaten to tell people all sorts of horrible things about me. It was scary stuff; I had no idea that a 5 year old could be capable of such extreme and manipulative behavior.

I obtained psychological help and she was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). She and I went through 2 years of therapy together and I learned parenting techniques for RAD children (the techniques are very different from normal parenting). The first 5 years with her were very difficult for all of us, but slowly things got better and she was a normally attached child by the time she reached middle school age.

DD is now a young adult that any parent would take pride in. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heartbeat. I always say that she and I had a symbiotic relationship. I helped her heal and she helped me heal by enabling me to be the parent that I had always wished for (I come from a mentally ill and mostly institutionalized mother and a violent a$$hole father).

RAD is very common (in varying degrees of severity) in children from any foster care system. The key is to get them help early on and not take their behavior personally. They are not acting out against you rather they are full of fear and rage at the insecurity and unpredictability they have endured in their young lives.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Red, bravo bravo bravo! Bravo bravo bravo!

Just don't have better words right now...


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Red, bravo bravo bravo! Bravo bravo bravo!
> 
> Just don't have better words right now...


Thanks Anon  When life gives you lemons you just find a way to make lemonade.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Red Sonja! 

I've noticed on the adoption boards that a RAD diagnosis strikes fear in many foster/adopting parents. The behaviors associated with it are frightening. RAD sounds like a normal reaction to traumatic experiences, but it's still scary. 

It is wonderful to hear that therapy and commitment and time and surely a lot of love healed your daughter (and you!)


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