# What is wrong with me???



## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

I've been reading this site for a few weeks and I've found comfort in reading your stories and all the advice. Thank you for sharing. Now it's my turn and hopefully someone can give me some insight that can help my situation. 

My husband wants to separate and having no choice I agreed. However, due to financial reasons we are still living under the same roof. We do get along generally and we are working on our friendship especially for our boys sake. 

He promised to give me a final chance to prove to him that I can change my negative attitude and also slim down (he has real issues with weight). So I agree because I want this marriage to work. The problem lies with his friendship with another woman. He says they are just friends, but I don't believe it. I know it's not PA yet, but it is full on EA. 

I'm beside myself. I get out, have met people, go to the gym -- I know better that I would be healthier leaving, but I can't seem to do it.

I know he doesn't deserve my friendship, loyalty and love. I know better...but where do I summon up the courage to do it? Any advice would be welcomed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First off, there is nothing wrong with you. You want your marriage to work. This is very normal.

What you are not doing is setting boundaries. He gave you a final chance? What? He's cheating and yet he gave you a final chance?

Get angry. It will give you the energy you need to set your boundaries. He needs to know that if he wants another chance with YOU he has to stop his EA. Until he stops the EA, your relationship does not have a chance. His thoughts are elsewhere.

My suggestion is that you work on improving yourself. You get to be the best you can be. And you start to move on. Get busy. Get friends. Be upbeat. 

Make sure you leave him to care for the children while you go out yourself and do things that you enjoy with friends. Avoid seeing anyone else of course.

Treat him in the manner described in the 180, see the link for it in my signature block below. Keep in mind that the 180 is for you. It’s to make you stronger emotionally. It’s not to get him to behave the way you want to.

You cannot change your husband. You can only change how you interact with him. Your normal way of interacting has not worked. 
You can only change yourself. As you grow as a person you will come to a point where you can stand up to him. 

How long have you been married?

Do you work outside of the home?

Do you know who his EA partner is? Is she married or living with anyone?


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. That's the problem - I have been working on myself loads. I go out with friends, I go to the gym almost everyday, I play sports and generally am very social. My work is great and supportive through this whole mess and so are my friends and family. 

My issue is growing the balls to leave and not look back. How do I do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

How long have you been married?
I've been married for 14 years and we have two boys. 

Do you work outside of the home?
Yes I do. Work is very supportive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

livemylife said:


> Thanks for the reply. That's the problem - I have been working on myself loads. I go out with friends, I go to the gym almost everyday, I play sports and generally am very social. My work is great and supportive through this whole mess and so are my friends and family.
> 
> My issue is growing the balls to leave and not look back. How do I do that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told you how.

Treat him according to the 180. Give it some time and you will build the strength to leave.


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

rollerskatevixen said:


> Now, as for your weight? He sounds like a real azz._Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah he can be a real selfish jerk at times. I don't mind the weight issue though because it has helped me lose a ton of weight. I am fitter now than I was 10 years ago. 

As for his EA - a part of me doesn't really care because it's the same BS over and over again. I know I'm close to moving forward with my life, but it's taking that last step and how to go about taking that last step. 

I already know that I can live without him and my life will be richer for it, but I don't know WHY I can't take that final step. 

Has anybody been at that final step and took the plunge? If so what was the catalyst for that plunge? 

@elegirl - where is that link? I don't see it_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

What do you mean when you say in the 1st post -- change your negative attitude ?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Greetings Livemylife,

It is good you are posting here, I've found comfort in this forum, and hope you do too.

I feel we only caught a glimpse of your situation from your post, so here are a few follow-up questions:

A few things:
-Are you absolutely certain he is having an EA? What evidence/gut reactions lead you to this conclusion?
-What do you mean by "final chance"? -What patterns of behavior led to this reaction?
-Criticism in marriage can be very hurtful and toxic, especially when it comes to physical appearances. If you are truly overweight and it requires medical attention for health reasons, then please see a doctor. I don't think just visiting the gym will solve all health/weight issues, the extra weight could be due to depression or other medical issues-please try to get to the root of the issue with your doctor.
-It may be good to take up a hobby together and see what is left to salvage
- Have you tried marriage counseling?
- Please elaborate on what you mean by negative attitude, is it depression? A "negative attitude" about the marriage?

Looking fwd to your next post...we are here for you.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Why do you have to leave? Make him leave, he is the one having the EA...

As long as you are living under his "final chance" terms, you are under his power, you are under his control...set some limits on him, give him his "final chance" terms and take some of the power/control back...marriage is a give and take, but here you are giving and he is taking...

Sounds harsh...but I was him 2 years ago, 10 years ago...my wife then took all of the power when she walked away from me...we don't have young kids, she was/is finacially stable so our circumstances are different in that respect...but she took the power and air out of me...you need to do some of the same!

Not easy, but you are at the right place to get some good help...seek counseling for yourself too if need be!


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

jh52 said:


> What do you mean when you say in the 1st post -- change your negative attitude ?


I grew up in a very critical household and had learned a toxic communication style. Instead of listening to the other person's point of view, I would already be formulating my defense and get ready to attack. I was always defensive in any fights we got into even when I knew I was in the wrong and it took me forever to say sorry. 

I now know that is wrong and have worked hard in the past few years to redirect that negativity into something more positive. I have an amazing ability to use words as a weapon during our fights and I now know my words can truly hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

sadsoul101 said:


> Greetings Livemylife,
> 
> A few things:
> -Are you absolutely certain he is having an EA? What evidence/gut reactions lead you to this conclusion?
> ...


Thank you for your support. I am normally a very private person and prefer to work things out myself, but I am at wits end on my step or I should say -- how do I take that plunge into the next logical step???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livemylife (May 26, 2012)

DjF said:


> Why do you have to leave?
> 
> Sounds harsh...but I was him 2 years ago, 10 years ago...my wife then took all of the power when she walked away from me...we don't have young kids, she was/is finacially stable so our circumstances are different in that respect...but she took the power and air out of me...you need to do some of the same!


I understand what you are saying. I know if I walk away he loses everything that I have provided and given to him. I understand that is within my power and control. I guess I am waiting for that day when I wake up and realize this is not how I want to live my life and I do not want to be with him nor do I need him. 

Until that day, I will continue to work on myself, provide a loving home to my kids and open myself up to any possibilities. 

Do you regret your decision of letting her go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Actually, she let me go Mov. 2010...took me awhile to realize what I had lost, and when I did...thankfully it wasn't too late...I stopped drinking, let Christ back into my life...we started MC six months ago and hopefully she will move back home in a few months...

not knowing all of the circumstances about your husband, I'm probably very similar to him...I had one PA and many EAs...I was an ass to my wife at times, it is a wonder she wants to come back home, but I have grown up...we have been married 27 years...

She left, knocked me to my knees, and it took me awhile to realize I couldn't get back up without God's and her help...


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## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

You need to make an honest review of your marriage, how it began, how it is right now, your expectations, and what would happen if you two were together or not. Maybe you will come to realize you would definetly be so much better without him and take the final step, or maybe you want to fight for him. In any case, I would strongly advice therapy. You seem like a confident person, but you shouldn't put up with his conditions, if he's giving you another chance, he has no place having an EA, he's either in this marriage or he isn't. On the other hand, therapy can help you with the guilt that in most cases we feel when a marriage fails, and I hope I don't offend you, but I think the reason you can't let go is because IMHO, you have codependency issues. That can be solved with a therapist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I am sure you can be much happier without this mess.


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## Dustball (May 16, 2012)

I just gave a second thought to your situation, and now I'm pissed off. Marriage requires both individuals to work on the relationship, both individuals to accept their wrongs, both individuals to sacrifice a few things. He is sinking the boat and blaming you for the rats. You are willing to make sacrifices, is he willing to give up his "friendship"? Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? He needs to put a 100% effort into this as well, your marriage problems are not all your fault, and he is making it seem that way. You definetly need to set some standards, he is either gonna make this work or he is not, but he can't put all the load on you, it's nor right, it's not fair, and it's not healthy for either of you.


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## InTheBedIMade (May 20, 2012)

livemylife said:


> He promised to give me a final chance to prove to him that I can ... slim down


This makes me ashamed to be a man, and if it's something I overheard on the street I'd have no problems stepping in and stopping it. 

You get happy with you and let this guy go graze on the green side of the fence. I'd take confidence over skinny every day of the week. er...every _night _of the week.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> First off, there is nothing wrong with you. You want your marriage to work. This is very normal.
> 
> What you are not doing is setting boundaries. He gave you a final chance? What? He's cheating and yet he gave you a final chance?
> 
> ...


When it came to me, it wasn't the details of the situation (cheating, lying, manipulating, OWomEn not OWomAn..., it was the way my exH wanted to deal with issues I wanted to discuss that were compromising my comfort level in our relationship. His way was to pretty much say his way or the highway (threatening divorce). To me, it boiled down that *I* did not want to stay married to someone who would solve problems in that way. It was a deal breaker. I would like to be with someone who can jointly manage issues, whether he thinks that he is a part of them or not...not someone who issues ultimatums and calls the shots and then tells me to deal with it or the only other idea he has is divorce (or the threat of it.) I don't think he expected me to accept, not sure why since I'd already moved out and was ready to file when he asked for another choice. :rofl: When I accepted he got really bitter and vicious, and I thought, wow, someone who doesn't deal well when he offers a solution and it's accepted. Dealbreaker. So in the end, none of the ISSUES matter, what MATTERED was his CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLE. THAT alone was the deal breaker. Once I saw that, it was easy to file for divorce, and he had to leave my place (he had a house...) as only my name was on the lease (and my landlord is a police officer.)


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