# First Post, Tough Question



## BummedAthleteinCali (Oct 4, 2011)

Hey everyone! Looks like a good forum. I have a tough question. I have been married for 4 years (second marriage). Over the last 3 years, I found out that my wife had two affairs while married to her last husband. Our sex life has been basically non-existent unless I beg, and then it is just a quick thing. We have been working on his for 2 years with no progress. Just recently, I found out that during her past marriage of 8 years, she rarely had sex. 

When we were dating, there was passion and the sex was great. Same for the first 6 months after marriage. The problems came up right after that. I am wondering if I am dealing with someone that maybe lied and was not honest about who she really is, when comfortable. 

I really don't know what the hell is going on. Any suggestions are appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should do some checking up on her, VARs and maybe a key logger. 

Sorry, but given her history, chances are she's stepping out,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Since you're new, I'll elaborate on Shaggy's advice. Put keylogger software on the computer she uses for email, Facebook, etc. Many cheating spouses communicate online.

Also, you could put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car. Many cheating spouses talk to the other person when they're alone in the car.

Also, check the detailed bill for her cell phone over the past several months. Check the numbers that come up often. See if one comes up at inappropriate times (first thing in the morning, middle of the night, etc.) to try to narrow down possible cheating partners.

Shaggy is right to suspect her of infidelity. A sudden change in sex frequency is a red flag for infidelity. Of course, it's also possible that your wife used sex to lure you into marriage and then relaxed into her natural state of no sex.

If your wife is cheating, and you have no kids, then I suggest you divorce. If your wife simply lied, you may be able to get her back into courting you by destabilizing your relationship. If necessary, get yourself into good shape. Make a point to talk to women everywhere you go. Especially if your wife is there. She needs to see you having fun with other women. This doesn't have to be sinister. You can be talking to them about the weather. But women will often be willing to compete sexually with a perceived threat when they are unwilling to provide sex to a captive spouse. You just need to instill that slight bit of dread that she may lose you.


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

Sex changes after marriage. It is just a fact of life. But only you can find out whether or not your wife is who she really thinks she is. I would suggest just asking her outright. My sex life with my husband is definitely different than it was when we were first dating 6 years ago. We would have sex multiple times a day in every position imaginable, with toys and all. It isn't like that anymore. Maybe every once in a while after a night of drinking, but it is usually good old missionary or me on top. We also both love oral sex and frequently engage in that also. I go through periods where I don't want sex at all and then some weeks I want it every day. I am still very satisfied with my husband and I's sex life but it is indeed different. He misses some of that. I on the other hand am perfectly content!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She rarely had sex with her husband, you mean...


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## BummedAthleteinCali (Oct 4, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I think my next step is to see if she is cheating. It would not surprise me


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

balexander26 said:


> I know that everyone is pointing at cheating but how is the rest of your relationship? I'm sure finding out about how she was in her past relationships is hard but have you asked why she didn't tell you? She could have been ashamed. How would you of handled back then? First thing I would say is talk to her and be totally up front about how you feel from the sex factor to how she was in her past relationships. If you still feel something is going on behind the sences then you can go the investigation route. This way though you can always say you were unfront and honest in your part of the relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't recommend having these heavy conversations before you begin snooping. If your wife is cheating, a conversation like this could alert her to your suspicions and cause her to lie low for a while.

As for why she didn't admit to cheating on her ex while she was dating the OP, I would never expect her to do that. She is either ashamed (rightfully so), or she realizes that a woman with a history of infidelity is much less attractive than a woman with the promise of faithfulness. Would you marry a woman who admitted to cheating in the past, but swore that she probably wouldn't cheat on you?

The only risk the OP runs by delaying such a conversation with his wife is if she is on the cusp of cheating on him for the first time. If he starts to investigate, and she begins an affair during the investigation, then he will have lost the opportunity to talk her out of it. However, I think the odds of that are low. First of all, the sex stopped 3.5 years ago. If it stopped as a result of an affair, then the cat is out of the bag. Second, we're assuming the OP could talk her out of cheating. He said earlier that they've been working on the lack of sex and he likely found out from her about her past affairs. So he's probably already said his piece on the subject.

There will be plenty of time for the OP to be up front and honest after he has all the information he needs.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The other option is her first marraige failed because she never learned how to keep resentments out of the bedroom. And still has not learned. 


Just this week... my H did a snoop and a look at me because for 2 whole weeks I've been less intimate (while I was on here trying to figure some stuff out). He got that idea from his buddies.

Not a bad idea to check it out, but don't forget option I mentioned above. Just don't get caught checking on her.


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## BummedAthleteinCali (Oct 4, 2011)

Thanks again everyone. PHT, you are right on. Here is what I think. I think there is a very good chance she had an affair several years ago. I could just sense her pulling away. I don't think she would come clean at all, not unless it was discovered. 

Today, we barely get along. We exist if you know what I mean. It has been that way for 3.5 years. She says her desire is low, or the conflict is causing her not to want to be intimate, but that was not how things were when were were dating and the first 6 months of our marriage. 

The Million dollar question is, what is going on. Affair? Maybe? Deception on who she really is? Maybe? Hard place to be, that is for sure.


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## BummedAthleteinCali (Oct 4, 2011)

deejov said:


> The other option is her first marraige failed because she never learned how to keep resentments out of the bedroom. And still has not learned.
> 
> 
> Just this week... my H did a snoop and a look at me because for 2 whole weeks I've been less intimate (while I was on here trying to figure some stuff out). He got that idea from his buddies.
> ...


Thanks Deejoy! Not keeping resentment out of the bedroom is one of the things that is right on the target if you ask me


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'll give you some advice if your investigation doesn't turn up much and you end up in kind of a limbo. You may suspect that she is being, or has been unfaithful, but you may not want to divorce unless you have proof.

In that case, look into the 180 (change your behavior 180 degrees from what hasn't worked for you in the past) and/or lowering the thermostat.

The 180 is for people headed for divorce to help them ready themselves for single life and to possibly snap their spouses out of the fog that they were in. Once you stop trying to pull your wife toward you, she may realize that she's losing you and change her behavior to get you back.

Lowering the thermostat is for couples with a long-term imbalance on effort in their relationship. If one couple is constantly saying the I love you's, initiating sex, complimenting the other, and the other spouse never initiates these things, then trouble can develop. So the thermostat method recommends matching your wife's level of effort that she puts into the marriage. If she never tells you that she loves you, then stop saying it to her. If she never does things you like, stop doing things she likes. Or if you do things she likes twice as often as she does things you like, scale back your efforts. The link to the thermostat thread is below.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## BummedAthleteinCali (Oct 4, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I'll give you some advice if your investigation doesn't turn up much and you end up in kind of a limbo. You may suspect that she is being, or has been unfaithful, but you may not want to divorce unless you have proof.
> 
> In that case, look into the 180 (change your behavior 180 degrees from what hasn't worked for you in the past) and/or lowering the thermostat.
> 
> ...


That is a HUGE help. thank you!


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