# I've decided to Forest Gump my way through this...



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

My subject line is a fave movie line from 'The Mexican' - with Julia Roberts & Brad Pitt. But, it really rings true for me. Let me explain...

Since yesterday, I have decided walking was the way to work through what feels like unbearable pain. After my second walk - I have decided it's the ONLY WAY!! I'm a physical, outdoors-type by nature, but the feeling of my muscles working, the wind in my hair, in my eyes, the chill of the fall - is INTOXICATING!! I feel as if my entire body, mind and soul are suffused with this electric power. If I had the freedom to, I'm certain I would walk without stopping like Forest Gump - until I found some answers - and I'm certain it would take a few coast-to-coast trips to get there! (I'm beginning to suspect a marathon in my future...)

Here's the thing...
The answers are coming to me at light-speed. Because I'm listening. The answers are all in me.

I could read books, talk to friends, my therapist (all of whom I'm not currently seeing - asking for space from everyone), look to religion, whatever... But, what I'm finding is that if I allow time to listen within, that's where my clarity lies.

As I walk, I listen to 'our' songs and feel a vast assortment of feelings. As I'm feeling them, I observe and explore myself for the source of the acute pain. The first thing I feel - always - is my love for him. And it hurts. So bad. But, I keep exploring, because what I've found behind that love - EVERY TIME - is FEAR!!! If I keep looking, it is there. FEAR - behind every explosive emotion. What is my fear? Here's what I've found...

_*Walk #1*_
_Old Love - Eric Clapton
Miracles - Jefferson Starship_

I identified my 'believer part' as the one in the most turmoil. I want so badly to buy-in again, to believe. Why? No reason I should, yet I do. Why? The reason...

*I want his love to take care of me because I don't trust myself enough to do it alone.*

I'm a 44-year old mother of 4, stepmother of 2, grandmother of 1 and damned good at it. Yet, I'm afraid I can't take care of myself? FOR REAL???
This underlying fear certainly comes from the fear I felt as a child - who was truly unable to take care of herself, while nobody else would. Valid fear for a small girl. No longer applies to a grown, competent woman!!

So, I am working to let that fear go.

_*Walk #2 *_

_Hide in Your Shell - Supertramp_

I've been tormented by his words/actions that are so incongruent. The games are endless, dizzying and crazy-making. Yet, I still engage in the dance. Why?

*I'm so afraid if I end the dance, it will truly be over and he will be out of my life. *

The love of my life gone -- FOREVER (he is the BEST at the absolute write-off). 

But in my mind - I heard the cliche - if you love something, let them go... yada, yada... But it's true!!

Over the last 6 months, I've been attending therapy dealing with childhood traumas, reliving horror and connecting with repressed emotions. The pain from the past is immense and I have nearly drown in what feels like a tsunami of turmoil. The dysfunction in my marriage on top of that has nearly pushed me over the edge. I don't want this in my life anymore - my kids need me intact and sane if nothing else. 

So, he's gone. I want him gone. Yet I'm afraid of him being gone? 

Another fear I need to let go.


_*Walk #3*_

_Show Must Go On - Queen_

Sad & weary of starting over. Feeling a bit beaten. ALONE - the word that won't leave me alone. And I've identified my primary fear - the devil himself - the FEAR THAT PARALYZES ME:

*I fear I am UNLOVABLE and destined to be ALONE forever.* 

That realization was like an undercut to the gut - literally knocked the breath out of me. 
I'm still not sure what to do with this, but I know I'm no longer terrified of being alone...
Most times, I prefer it... 

I know I need to find my happiness ALONE before I will try to find it with anyone else.
I'm certain I will wrestle with this fear for quite awhile

-----------------

My husband has always referred to me as his butterfly. I've decided to create my own cocoon - time for healing, time for growth and self-knowledge. I will come out when I'm ready and begin my new life - whatever that may be.

-----------------

As I've mentioned, writing is therapeutic for me. In the past, I've written only for myself - with my husband downloading code-crackers to get into my journal and use it against me. Anything i've written, I've mostly deleted. This time, I don't want my thoughts/feelings to go down the memory hole. I'm leaving them here for preservation - for me and for anyone else who may be on my same journey. I have no answers, but we are not alone in this.

So, my apologies for the immense amounts of verbal vomit as I wrestle my demons. 

And, I'm grateful to feel a little less alone.

♥ ... janie ... ♥


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Go Girl!

I am happy for you that you are finding some resolution and I respect you for finding it within yourself. So many of us feel like crap for so long after an affair or breakup.
Do what makes you feel good. If walking is your thing, walk your ass off. It's also good for you.

I was having a kind of sad evening, don't know why, sometimes I just still get sad from all the past pain that I have given and received. You made me smile. 

Thanks


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## kat456 (Oct 11, 2011)

I too am wrestling with this. I also know he is gone and I cannot take him back. Too many lines have been crossed and I have learned to respect myself first. 

But I also have the fear of being alone forever and already find myself hoping against the odds that there will be another shot at love. I have every intention of doing all the things I should have done in my marriage. 

But at the end of the day I am a single mother of 4 , the youngest being only 2. It does scare me that no man will ever want to step into that. So for now I am on my own and I am learning to do this on my own. 

I too have wrapped myself into a cocoon of some sort. I have surrounded my self with family I trust and have put space between me and friends for now. 

I also find myself looking deep inside and seeing things I need to change and finding new strengths I didn't know were there. Raising the kids by myself has actually been easier without the husband because I make decisions or do what needs to be done without someone over my shoulder criticizing everything I do but won't help or do it themselves.

But what you wrote resonates with me because I too am afraid. I am afraid of being alone. I have stopped playing the games with the husband but I do have my eyes open. 

I have left him and I might spend the rest of my life alone. The comfort I find is. I might be alone but at least I am not nervous all the time about what mood he is in. Or trying to keep the kids quiet so he won't get upset. 

I can drive the car without him screaming at me. I can watch TV without him yelling about what I am watching. I can go to the store and buy new curtains with out him yelling at me or criticizing what I picked. I can make mistakes without being called stupid. 

I am afraid but at least I'm not on the verge of having a panic attack at all times.

Best of luck to you


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Janie said:


> _Show Must Go On - Queen_


Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be fading
But my smile still stays on...

Great song...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

DanF - glad I could provide a smile. Your optimism is like a shot of adrenalin... and I really need one!!

Kat - be grateful you have family and use them for your support. WAY TOO SOON to be worried if another man will have you. It's time for you to heal and figure out who you are and who you want to be. Become the best woman and mother (in that order) you can. If that's who you are, a good man will consider himself lucky to be a part of it.

NG - LOVE the song. It's funny - my iPod gets wonky occasionally and will play one song over & over. While I'm walking, it only serves as background so I don't really even notice. But, the song it's stuck on definitely affects my line of thought. If the song is wrong, I will notice, change it until it doesn't bother me anymore. Weird...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Thanks so much for the outreach of support whileI'm struggling so badly. Strange that a group of strangers can make a difference, but it has.

Maybe ALONE doesn't have to feel quite so LONELY?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

After an amazingly open & honest evening with my husband, we have reached an agreement and will maintain separate residences while remaining married, dating, and working out issues. We have Jan 1 on the calendar, to reassess everything, but until then we are committed. I am hopeful, but see the dangerous minefield directly ahead - must be navigated - no idea if we will reach the other side together, but I'm willing to try.

In my most recent pacing episode (grandson asleep inside - can't go for walk!!!), I've been able to connect the dots and figure out my part in the failed reconciliation attempts the last 4 months. Here it is...

*I have a very difficult time expressing my distress to others.
So, I usually don't.

*When my husband and I reconciled, we shared many goals including kids, finances, business, work life, sex life, on and on and on...
We were both committed to doing our part in all areas.

I have a small business (1.5 years) that has much potential, but has never really gotten off the ground yet, due to many factors (marital discord being a large part). With many added expenses, mostly concerning MY children, I was driven to alleviate the financial load by heaving my business off the ground - heading into the busy season - gonna earn $1M  . I had a new business partner and a phenomenal product & plan.

I was certain I could do this while setting my oldest daughter/grandson up in a new household, with daily support visits, blood sugar checks and be the primary babysitter for my Grandson.
I would help my stepdaughter settle into this same house and be her primary emotional support (for years, I'm the only person she really would talk to...)
I would be fully involved in my 2 youngest daughters and fill all their daily and emotional needs.
Laundry will be clean all the time.
I will be in charge of the full household budget - cutting expenses everywhere I could.
Home will be organized, tidy & stocked at all times.
Individual therapy (involving repressed memories and severe emotional strain)
Marital therapy
This list goes on & on...

All this, while moving our belongings back into our home. And kicking a$$ in the business. Of course I can - I'm Superwoman.

I failed on all fronts. But, I kept trying harder. I stopped eating and sleeping to keep going (I naturally lose appetite in extreme stress). I kept thinking I was close to getting a break, but no breaks were coming. I hinted to my husband that I really need a break. I think I can, I think I can. But - I wasn't really TELLING him anything that he was hearing. I was certain he would see the lost weight. Notice my distress. He will have to see me or hear me soon. 

Then he was angry about something I hadn't followed through on.

I was already at the breaking point. His anger pushed me over the edge. WAY over the edge. 

But, I NEVER TOLD HIM I WAS AT THE EDGE. Until after he was angry. Then I was pleading for him to see me. But it was too late. He couldn't hear or see me. And things escalated past the point of recovery.

His fault? My fault? BOTH our faults.

In hindsight, seems so easy to fix at the time. Nothing was too major to be dealt with. We're such damned fools....

20/20 hindsight is maddening!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I've been thinking more about my prior post - specifically about my efforts to 'prove' my commitment to him.

I'm wondering - if we are at the point we are trying to 'prove' something to our spouse, is it destined to go awry? In efforts to prove oneself, it is easy to over-extend without even knowing it, then crisis is much more difficult to navigate.

Any thoughts?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

My wife tells me I think too much, sometimes about my marriage to her. 

I think we all bite off too much in life, often to the detriment of those we love. We often do this to achieve some goal we have in mind to benefit our loved ones.

Problem is - our loved ones didn't get to have a say and they suffer too. They would often just have the benefit of our presence than the money that comes from being successful or frugal. 

I would recommend that you sit down with your H and make a list of common goals for the marriage / family. Those that each of you are willing to work together and support each other on. 

Hope this helps!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> My wife tells me I think too much, sometimes about my marriage to her.
> 
> I think we all bite off too much in life, often to the detriment of those we love. We often do this to achieve some goal we have in mind to benefit our loved ones.
> 
> ...


Problem is, it's mostly too late. 
We are living separately, each with our own kids. Everything 'common' and 'family' are no longer factors.

DAMN - I really hate this!!!!!!

Thanks Dad


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

_*Seether - Country Song
Muse - Uprising*_

Today I am focused on power.

Last night was my final primal scream to my husband. I have tried to reach him every way I know how. He asked me directly what I'm angry about. I warned him it was huge and would not be pretty. Even asked him (while shouting) "Can you handle it?" - I was shaking with rage - and he said yes. I unloaded. {There is one particular thing I'm FURIOUS about and he won't address at all. Without going into details, he assumes a role of PUNISHER and I won't live like that anymore. This was the focus of my entire rant.} It included profanity, yelling, screaming, crying and finger pointing. I'd tried everything else - what was there to lose anymore. I really hoped he would hear me. He simply walked away.

Since, has wanted to berate me about my method of delivery. I've told him he's still arguing the rules of engagement - but the war is already over. Time to collect the bodies. 

My heart is broken.

*******************************************
But, here's what I've realized:

I'M NOT DIVORCING HIM OUT OF FEAR
I HAVE ENDURED THE ABUSE SO LONG OUT OF FEAR

And I'm feeling a surge of liberation and power. What am I afraid of? I am - intelligent, healthy, attractive, educated, young, creative, unparallelled in determination, and have music and beauty to surround me. People do very well with much less than the natural gifts I have. What's to fear?


♥ ... janie ... ♥



p.s. I apologize for anything sounding like boasting - I'm actually kinda needing the boost... 

p.p.s. I'm attaching the link for the music video for the first song on my list - one of the funniest videos EVER (even if you don't like the music...) Check it out.


Seether - Country Song (Official Video) HD - YouTube


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Had wondered before - you'd mentioned being ready to reconcile - but you've also mentioned some form of abuse several times - right?

I also don't like the sound of the words "The Punisher." Even without going into details - I don't think its ever one spouse's job to "punish" the other. Sounds very controlling.

And hey - boast away! Its a roller coaster ride - and they'll be plenty of other days when it will be hard to be so positive about much of anything!


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Janie . . .I've almost given up on TAM. I won't go into details but anyone who's been here awhile can figure that out.

Your first post (and the subsequent ones) really spoke to me. There's a conflict within me about love vs resentment vs fear and hatred. And I know the answer is within me. I kinda knew it, but with so many things it takes someone to smack ya upside the head to figure it out. Thanks for pointing this out.

I'll be thinking about all this, and you, on my next walk. Hopefully I'll have something to contribute to you next time.

Be well.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

jayde said:


> Janie . . .I've almost given up on TAM. I won't go into details but anyone who's been here awhile can figure that out.
> 
> Your first post (and the subsequent ones) really spoke to me. There's a conflict within me about love vs resentment vs fear and hatred. And I know the answer is within me. I kinda knew it, but with so many things it takes someone to smack ya upside the head to figure it out. Thanks for pointing this out.
> 
> ...


Jayde,

I'm really glad you wrote. It's difficult for me to reveal myself to others and had just recently given up on TAM, but I'm back. I'm posting publicly for 3 reasons: to find personal clarity through the process of putting feelings into words, to access the wisdom of others, and to offer any insights to others hoping it can help. 

So, I'm really glad you're still here and my words/thoughts/feelings help you. If we have to go through this hell, why not help each other out...?

If it helps, feel free to PM me 

We WILL get through this. All of us.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Had wondered before - you'd mentioned being ready to reconcile - but you've also mentioned some form of abuse several times - right?
> 
> I also don't like the sound of the words "The Punisher." Even without going into details - I don't think its ever one spouse's job to "punish" the other. Sounds very controlling.
> 
> And hey - boast away! Its a roller coaster ride - and they'll be plenty of other days when it will be hard to be so positive about much of anything!


I'm really glad you asked. I'm certain I come across as multiple personality/schizophrenic in my reasoning!!

My marriage is no different from others in that it has its positives and negatives. The primary difference is the extreme nature of each. My husband and I are both very passionate, intelligent and competitive by nature - not a bad thing (at all!), but the extremes are dealbreakers.

I've never been as blissfully happy in my life as the good times with my husband. We have an intense connection emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. His arms are my true 'home'. His chest is my comfort - the only comfort I've EVER known. He is my true soulmate - on every level.

While the highs are wonderful, the lows are of equal magnitude. While the physical abuse has ended, the verbal abuse has never ended - {toxic cesspool of a human being, arid wasteland of emotion, stupid b*tch, f*cki*ng c*nt, etc. Apologies aren't enough anymore}. I really can't take anymore. My weight has dropped to unhealthy levels causing physical damage, I'm headed straight into an eating disorder from anxiety, and suicidal thoughts won't stop pestering. I have to save myself and find an even keel.

I always want to believe in Change, but I'm fighting for survival here... Time is up.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Janie said:


> I'm really glad you asked. I'm certain I come across as multiple personality/schizophrenic in my reasoning!!
> 
> My marriage is no different from others in that it has its positives and negatives. The primary difference is the extreme nature of each. My husband and I are both very passionate, intelligent and competitive by nature - not a bad thing (at all!), but the extremes are dealbreakers.
> 
> ...


How many years married? And how old are you two?

I know when I was first married, the arguments would often get heated and vicious words were said - but that was a long time ago. To be over ?30? and call your wife a "f*cki*ng c*nt" is kind of hard to understand. And if he hasn't learned to control his temper by now, I'm not sure I would expect much to change.

Does this have anything to do with alcohol?

And yes - if you are feeling PHYSICAL symptoms - its time for a major break - or time to leave.

Sorry...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm 44, he's 49 - married NEARLY 4 years...

Alcohol was a destructive factor in our life. He was drunk every time there was physical violence. However, alcohol has not been involved (only once) since our reconciliation attempts, but I was horrified to find the hatefulness still there - with alcohol absent... 

To top off my physical symptoms - my 2 teenage daughters are fearfully watching their mother waste away and ward off an eating disorder. Unsuccessfully. What type of example is that? AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{It is my belief that the sooner I get our new home set up with routines and down time, my appetite will return. So I'm working feverishly toward that end.}

One day at a time... !!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Does anyone else here ever re-read their posts and think "What a drama queen!"? I do!! LOL. 

Everything I write is real and true. But, damn...

I HATE being a broken record!!


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Janie . . . I completely understand about rereading some of my posts. More than once, I had to reread and realize that I actually did write it.

One day at a time. 

I used to think this was a cutesie little bumper sticker, but it can be a powerful phrase for change. I think most of us can endure for one more day.

And yes, we will make it through all this.

Be well.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Janie said:


> Does anyone else here ever re-read their posts and think "What a drama queen!"? I do!! LOL.
> 
> Everything I write is real and true. But, damn...
> 
> I HATE being a broken record!!


**raises hand** present and accounted for. Seems like we all run the emaotion gauntlet - more than once...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> Seems like we all run the emaotion gauntlet - more than once...


So tiring.


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