# trying to recover



## Alanf (Aug 27, 2013)

I have recently been trying to reunite with my wife after i left her for a few months she had started to move on and got a boyfriend and they did have sex and now that we are making another go at it she will not unfriend him or stop asking him for advice from him and gets angry every time i mention i am jealous

Help this is hurting badly and i love her more than anything


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Alanf said:


> I have recently been trying to reunite with my wife after i left her for a few months she had started to move on and got a boyfriend and they did have sex and now that we are making another go at it she will not unfriend him or stop asking him for advice from him and gets angry every time i mention i am jealous
> 
> Help this is hurting badly and i love her more than anything


In all seriousness, it's time to break up again; and right away. A marriage is between 2 people, not 3. If she can't understand that there is no room for her boyfriend in a recovering marriage then you don't need her. She sounds life a very selfish person to me, but then again, I don't know your whole story. Why did your marriage break up in the first place?


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## Alanf (Aug 27, 2013)

had the love that people spend there whole lives looking for a woman so smart, passionate,sweet, supportive and with the biggest heart you could possibly imagine. She would do or say anything to defend her family no matter what and all of this done in the most thoughtful of way's and you know what i did i took that wonderful life fulfilling thing and I worked my ass off to kill it oh and I did a bang up job too I almost destroyed her life by turning my back on her and leaving her and the children to deal with everything themselves and let me tell you also we live in mexico where life is just a little tougher than here for example gas for cooking and hot water has to be carried in big tanks and while she is dealing with all that and the pain of my doing what I did I searched desperately on the internet to replace her and then when I found the bottom of the pit I dug then and only then did i finally opened my eyes to what i had done but because i did this three (3) times in a row back to back within 4 months with the finally of telling her i don't love her and to leave me alone. So here I am I tried to go back to her but I feel the pain to great and the trust viciously killed. And again to show how wonderful a person she is she would not leave me alone while I go through the mourning process and made a wonderful attempt to take me back but the hurt is to deep. Even after all that she is kind to me and tells the children that i still love them and never said a bad word to them about me after all that. She is the example we should all strive to achieve The single greatest wife, mother and friend any man in this world would ever be blessed with there entire life.


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## Alanf (Aug 27, 2013)

but recently we started a recovery in ernest i just think she is using him as a fallback and how can you blame her after all i did so i am just so stuck in my situation


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Alanf said:


> but recently we started a recovery in ernest i just think she is using him as a fallback and how can you blame her after all i did so i am just so stuck in my situation


No one is ever "stuck". You always have a choice. 

If you are stuck, its b/c you are choosing to be.


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## Alanf (Aug 27, 2013)

I know i am choosing to be back with her but i am not choosing for her to keep the back up guy on the line is how i see it when she talks to him he says why cant we still talk i dont see anything wrong with it 
and its like he is the hero and i am the piece of s$#@ that just hurts her i dont know where to turn


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah, bride is right... usually people are stuck in situations of their own making/choosing, even if it's hard for them to realize it from their vantage point. It seems this can be said for you and your wife. Though I tried my best to understand, it seems things are a bit complicated.

When it comes to reconciling, having close contact with recent lovers is very counter-productive and tends to get in the way of any healthy processes. She should dump him and find a different support structure if she's serious about giving things with you another try. The same goes for you if you had anything going on the side.

It's easy to post how great she is to an anonymous forum after you've almost lost her... but you've got to be able to show her that level of love and appreciation even after a bad day/week/month of everything life can throw at you (and still resist all of life's temptations). Try telling her how great she is - show her how much you appreciate her - just as you have told us.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Alanf,

You did indeed act and behave like a complete a**. Your treatment of her was horrible.

But if she wants to try to reconcile with you, the POSOM has to go. As another poster said, there is only room for 2 in a marriage.

I know she has been hurt by you, but that is no excuse for undermining a real attempt at R in the M by continuing to keep this POS in her life.

She can have him, or she can have you.

You must issue this ultimatum to her and not accept anything less.

If she refuses, you have no choice but to divorce.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Alanf said:


> but recently we started a recovery in ernest i just think she is using him as a fallback and how can you blame her after all i did so i am just so stuck in my situation


Sorry but that is not an earnest recovery if she is still talking to that guy.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Alanf said:


> had the love that people spend there whole lives looking for a woman so smart, passionate,sweet, supportive and with the biggest heart you could possibly imagine. She would do or say anything to defend her family no matter what and all of this done in the most thoughtful of way's and you know what i did i took that wonderful life fulfilling thing and I worked my ass off to kill it oh and I did a bang up job too I almost destroyed her life by turning my back on her and leaving her and the children to deal with everything themselves and let me tell you also we live in mexico where life is just a little tougher than here for example gas for cooking and hot water has to be carried in big tanks and while she is dealing with all that and _*the pain of my doing what I did I searched desperately on the internet to replace her and then when I found the bottom of the pit I dug then and only then did i finally opened my eyes to what i had done but because i did this three (3) times in a row back to back within 4 months with the finally of telling her i don't love her and to leave me alone.*_ So here I am I tried to go back to her but I feel the pain to great and the trust viciously killed. And again to show how wonderful a person she is she would not leave me alone while I go through the mourning process and made a wonderful attempt to take me back but the hurt is to deep. Even after all that she is kind to me and tells the children that i still love them and never said a bad word to them about me after all that. She is the example we should all strive to achieve The single greatest wife, mother and friend any man in this world would ever be blessed with there entire life.


This was very difficult to read and understand, but If I got this story right, you got up left your wife in Mexico alone 3 times to find another woman? To replace her? Do I have this correct? And then after you realize you can't find another woman, you come back and say, "OK, I'm ready to be a good husband in this marriage"? *Please let me know if this is correct because this changes how I answer you.*

If I'm correct about the above, then (I can't believe I'm going to say this), I don't blame her for hanging on to the OM. You have proven yourself not to be a husband at all. How can I blame her for wanting to have a man that she can rely on, in this case; *The OM*. I'm sorry if this is harsh but if you want the OM gone, you are going to have to prove that you are there to stay and that she doesn't need him any more. That you are going to be a father and a husband. From your own story, your track record sucks. 

Normally, I would say she needs to dump the OM, but that would be if you left once and them came back; but not 3 times! Dude, your lucky she's even talking to you.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I think he's saying they live in Mexico, where the lifestyle is a little harder than what we're used to in the States, i.e. carrying water in tanks. And that he turned to the Internet looking for extramarital "fun."

But I agree with Middleman. Even the most loyal dog in the world will leave if you kick it enough.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would think she doesn't trust you. What are YOU doing to give her faith?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Alanf said:


> I have recently been trying to reunite with my wife after i left her for a few months she had started to move on and got a boyfriend and they did have sex and now that we are making another go at it she will not unfriend him or stop asking him for advice from him and gets angry every time i mention i am jealous
> 
> Help this is hurting badly and i love her more than anything


Why'd you leave her? How long for really? And under what terms did you leave her?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed she would not put up with it so why are you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Time to move on.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your marriage cannot recover with her loveer still actively in the picture.

Imagine the advice he gives. 

get checked for stds


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No marriage with OM in the picture, no hope.
Once OM was more than a friend there's no way back. She knows there's no chance in hell you will recover from this with him in the picture.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

AlanF

So you abused your wife, marriage and family.

And now your wife no longer trusts you.

You cannot blame her my man.

What you need to do is both be honest with each other.

And you need to win her trust back.

Sit her down and ask her for 12 months to get your marriage back.

Ask her to no longer contact the BF. And you will commit to her that you will be honest and stay home. No running away.

And then do it. Show her who you really are.

This is your last chance but it takes both of you to fix the marriage.

If she cannot do it then tell her you understand and what would she like from you going forward.....

HM


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why are you suddenly seeing the light after what you've done? If I were in her shoes, I would want a lot more than some words and a few tears from you. Why should she trust you at all now? What happened to make you decide to stop treating her so terribly?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Alanf said:


> ....he is the hero and i am the piece of s$#@ that just hurts her....


Ya, exactly. 

I guess you could try to be the hero, but you can expect that to take a long time. You would have to work really hard to turn this around.

Do you have the stones for that? Then don't expect her to give up something good (her boyfriend) at the first drop of your hat. You will have to prove that you can be trusted to not hurt and leave her again; words aren't enough.


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## Alanf (Aug 27, 2013)

I just wanted to clarify the conditions i left her 3 times in a 4 month period but prior to this we had a 7 years of not all bliss but we where happy to be together and to be honest at this point i have no clue as to why i did it.

Last night we had a talk and after her getting mad she called the OM and broke it off saying she cant talk to him anymore 

I thank you all for your advice I think at this point it is all about my actions going forward i am just going to concentrate on being a good father and try my best to heal the hurt we are looking for a counselor because we both need to talk about all this and figure out if its possible for her to love me even close to what she did but no matter what happens to our relation I am dedicated to my kids lives


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

OTOH you have bailed out so many times maybe you should prove by actions not words that you an rally be the man?


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