# No Contact: Thoughs? Advice? (long)



## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

I've been no contact since Thanksgiving when my H drove off and left me and my son in a city 450 miles away. I vowed I'd never speak to him again after that. It's just been awful and difficult though, especially over the holidays.

So badly I want to contact him and ask, "What the hell?" I really don't understand why he abandoned me. Although we have been separated since July, we had been "trying" to work things out.

Here's a little background. Last February I asked H to go to a body shop to see about having my car fixed (I was car number three in a four-car pileup). I called the shop a few days earlier and they said I should just come in, that no appointment was necessary. So, H followed me to the shop in his car and when we got there, they asked if I had an appointment. I told them no, that whomever I spoke with on the phone told me I didn't need one. They said I would have to wait a little bit but they'd look at my car soon. My H was visibly irritated, and I assumed it was with the shop. I was too because they gave me different info on the phone. My H walked outside and I followed him, and all of sudden, in front of customers and workers, he started screaming at me. I was like, "Huh?" I was also incredibly embarrassed. He got in his car and sped off. About five minutes later he called my cell and left an irate message, screaming angrily at the top of his lungs about how I'm stubborn and how I ruined his afternoon. Again... huh? WTF?

That night he eventually came home and told me to move out of our bedroom to the other end of the house and also informed me he wanted a divorce. I told him he should leave the master bedroom, and he was beside himself. I normally wouldn't stand up to him (he scares me sometimes) but I figured he can move out if he's the one who wants to split. I eventually recanted a few nights later and moved to other other end of the house to be near my son (not H's biological son).

H didn't talk to me for twenty-one days. It was awful, cold and horrible. When he eventually decided it was time to talk, he called and left a message saying, "This is your H calling. Call me back." Again... WTF? Anyhow, we met and decided how to split the furniture and various belongings, and I started looking for a new place to live. H, it was decided would move to out other home as our current home (big, beautiful, custom) was in foreclosure as H decided he didn't want to make payments on an underwater home anymore (he paid mortgage, I paid everything else).

In April I found a nice house to rent. By this time H and I were on good terms, hanging out and having fun together, but still in separate bedrooms and still on the path to splitting. H knew I was going to look at this house and had wanted to go with, but at the last minute backed out (too early in the morning or some nonsense). The house was perfect for my son and me so I signed the lease and put a deposit down. That morning, when I got home, H asked how the house was and I told him I had rented it. He immediately told me I shouldn't move there, that it doesn't make financial sense, and that I should move into our other home with him and help him with mortgage and bills because he didn't think he could afford it over the summer due to work cuts, etc. I told him the only way I'd do that is if he could guarantee he wouldn't get pissed and kick me and my son out again. He was silent for quite a while then said, "That's up to you." Because I still had no idea what his problem was with me, this obviously wasn't the answer I needed to hear, so I didn't move with him.

We finally actually moved into different houses in July. I was paying rent on my new house but didn't move until H moved out of our foreclosing house. The thing is... I really didn't want to split; this was all his idea. I just couldn't live with his unpredictable rages and anger unleashed on me and my son. Of course, when things were good, they were good. When they were bad, they were REALLY bad.

In September my H and I were working on a project at his house. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he decided he wanted to take me home. He drove me to my house and I asked him what was up, and he snarled something angrily at me and sped off. Up to that point things had been fine. We weren't fighting (I'm not much of an engager in fights anyhow) and there wasn't tension. Ten days later I finally contacted him and we talked. I asked him why he was ignoring me and he claimed I was the one ignoring him! He asked me out to dinner that night and again, things seemed to be going okay.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. H asked if I wanted to drive to another state for Thanksgiving to see my sister. I initially declined because I didn't have anyone to watch my dogs. He arranged for his friend's wife to come to my house and take care of them. Moreover, he said he'd drive his Prius; it all seemed to fall into place. Well, Thanksgiving night he got angry (yes, again) because my sister and I wanted to go to a different restaurant. He started yelling really loud in the restaurant's courtyard (people were milling around). My son asked him why he thought he could choose where we eat Thanksgiving dinner, and then he REALLY raged, telling my son he's a prick, and that's he's sick of his sh$t. My son calmly told him he's an assh*le, to which H replied, "Tell me something I don't already know. Find your own way home!" He got in his Prius and sped off. About 15 minutes later I received a text from H saying he's driving home and filing for divorce on Monday (which he didn't do). He said I've lost it, and any hope of saving our marriage or a successful future with my son.

I still have no clue why he's treated me and my son this way. In the past, when I've tried to talk to him about it, he's given me excuses like I don't wear enough makeup or my fingernails have dirt under them (they do if I'm working outside, but not normally). He also claims I don't appreciate him, which has been hard when he rages unpredictably. We tried MC a few years ago but he only went twice and would only focus on blaming me for our problems; wouldn't talk about or admit anything he's contributed to our problems. One thing that did briefly come up in MC, however, was that he's jealous of my teenage son. H has been in his life since my son was six (now sixteen) so I was shocked to hear this. My son and me are close, but not THAT close that H is an outsider.

So, I've been no contact since Thanksgiving. It's rough. I so badly want to call/text/email and try to find out why he's being like this, but I can't. That would be telling him his actions are okay, and they are not. I can't help but wonder what I've done to provoke this treatment. I really want to say the man has major abusive problems, but I wonder what my part has been in all of this.

Thoughts? Advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you keep going back for more punishment? I kept thinking that as I read through your post.

If my spouse was doing things like that to me, the only way I'd consider getting back together with them was if they demonstrated that they were working hard at fixing their issues. Counseling, something! If they could articulate some things for me to work on or help them with as well, I'd be happy to try to do those at the same time. But the heavy lifting would have o be done by them. 

In the meantime, I'd be putting together the divorce package. If they hadn't made enough progress by the time things were ready to be finalized, sayonara baby.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

well i must say i thought i was bad as a H. My wife recently seperated from me due to the way i was treating her its been about 3 weeks now. I was doing silent treatments for a couple of days, and just taking anger out on her due to stress etc i have been under. 
The moment she left she said to me to get counselling, which i have been doing and only now i reliase what a jerk i have been. 

I am willing to improve myself and hopefully when my wife and i start communicating in the new year we will be able to hopefully get together. 

However i am a stubborn guy and for a couple of years i didnt think anything was wrong. only when this incident happened and i went counselling on then did i reliase the hurt i was causing. i know this is serious but you probably need to sit your husband down and ask him seriously what he wants. If he wants you guys to get back together your going to have to get counselling together. It looks like his lack of patience and anger are due to stress which he needs to address. i should know as i was like that untill recently also its never too late you could save your marriage. But effort needs to come from him as well.

I hope you can stay strong and sort out something.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If you call, make sure that you have a reason other than trying to get him to explain himself rationally. He sounds like he's not treating you well. If you call him, he will definitely see it as you admitting that you are wrong and he is right. This problem will only get worse if he is unwilling to seek counseling for anger issues and/or marriage counseling with you to work on communication and conflict resolution. Sounds like you care a lot about him. Sounds like he needs to learn how to appreciate you and value you and not treat you like dirt. You don't deserve to be treated badly. Hang in there. Don't call. Go to counseling yourself instead. I know you probably miss him, but it will definitely send him the wrong message if you give in and call.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds so much like my ex husband.

Listen lady... file for divorce and move on with your life. There is no communication and no respect in your relationship. He has temper tantrums and rages and ignores you, 21 days at a time and always threatens you with divorce.

Why do you want to be with him? 

He may be having an affair? Or he may just e mental and be a jacka$$. yes, his behavior is abusive.

You asked what role you played in this? You playedt he role of enabling this behavior and tolerating it for so long he thought it was fine to treat you that way.

Stand up for youself and move on for you and your son's sake. Get therapy to find out why you were attracted to this man despite the way he treated you. 

Good luck.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Do you think if you talk to him, he will say anything you want to hear? He suffers no ill will for his bad behavior, so he keeps on doing it ;o( You describe someone who seems to not be able to control his anger. I would stay far away from him for a long time, he will really lose it one day. Be careful and I will pray for you discernment, and acceptance that some things are best left to their natural end. I know letting go off love hurts...but you will survive. Let's go into 2012 better than we leave 2011.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> Let's go into 2012 better than we leave 2011.


Amen!


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

PBear said:


> Why do you keep going back for more punishment? I kept thinking that as I read through your post.


Yes... that's the problem. I start IC next week to figure this out. I will say that part of my identity is wrapped up in his pubic persona, which is fairly public. We work together and he is quite respected professionally. If people only knew what an a$$ he is to me and my son, what he pulls behind closed doors, they'd be shocked.



Jellybeans said:


> Why do you want to be with him?
> 
> He may be having an affair? Or he may just e mental and be a jacka$$. yes, his behavior is abusive.


If he is having an affair, it wouldn't be the first one. Seems to make sense and would rationalize some of his behavior.



hesnothappy said:


> I know letting go off love hurts...but you will survive. Let's go into 2012 better than we leave 2011.


Yes, it does hurt, especially being no contact (but I refuse to contact him). It definitely helps to come here and read about others' struggles and hear advice from outsiders. Thank you, everyone. And I agree about going into 2012.


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