# How to get passed the worry?



## MaineMan (Feb 26, 2012)

Hey everyone. My wife and I have been separated for almost three months and boy has it been rough. First off, we have three disabled sons together and our agreement was that I would have them from sat. to Monday. She has the home and all the money that the boys get from SSI, I left with my clothes. Before the break up she started clubbing because she likes to "dance", which I am kind of traditional and feel that married people should not go to places like that without their spouse, but I caved in when she would say I am not her father or that I am controlling, so she went. When she would arrive home I tried my hardest not to say anything but sometimes it would boil out and a verbal argument would occur and at which point she would flat out tell me if I don't like it, theres the door. 

After we split, she would spend the entire weekends out to bars and eventually pictures on facebook popped up with her drunk dancing with men, mind you this was only after a month of splitting up. Now I am finding that on my days without the kids she has me help with them all the time and says " their your kids you need to help." Yet when she has her days she's gone. I addressed this with her and she said its the weekend theres no appointments so tough. I should also mention that since she has the house I have to stay the weekend there to be able to see my children because of their medical needs.

Rewinding a couple years ago, when we split up for the second time, while watching the kids, I called her to ask her a question and the phone answered but it sounded like clothes rubbing together with no other sounds. I called back later and asked her if she was having sex with someone and she said she had been raped. Taking into account of her childhood and sexual abuse that occurred, I quickly realized that she uses sex as a way to deal with it.

Now, I am trying to move forward with my life, but I feel like I need to save her or something...like I know her going to the bar is like a heroin addict shooting up and its only a matter of time before something bad happens. How do I forgot about her and really move on? I feel so angry, sad and disregarded by it all. 




I


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

You have to realize that you can't control what she does. Only she has responsibility for herself. You are only responsible for yourself. I know it's hard since you worry about her but if she chooses to make risky choices that's her decision. She's an adult. She will realize sooner or later the choices she is making are bad ones or she might never realize that. Sorry that you are in this position. As for her relying on your help when she has the kids but not being around when u need her and u have the kids. that's unfair. she will have to learn that u are not at her beck and call. i understand the need for extra help with special needs children but she can't take advantage. if u are there to help her then she has to be there to help you raise your kids too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So she kicked you out, but uses you as a weekend care giver so she can sleep around.

wow. and you aren't divorcing her because????


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I feel for your situation. It must be hard to have kids with problems and now have a wife who is displaying issues also. Why do you feel like you need to save her? She's an adult and she isn't listening to you anymore. The best thing for you to do is focus on the kids and yourself. Stop arguing about the behavior and tormenting yourself over her choices. If that is what she wants then so be it. You need to move on.

Let me walk you through something, by the way in which you worded the second half of your first paragraph I can tell you have a tendancy to be controlling. You didn't let her do anything or give in. She chose to do those things and your holding on to an illusion of control over what she does and how she behaves.

If you feel the need to control her you aren't trusting her. Take it from someone who did the same. You shouldn't be calling her while she's out. You shouldn't need resiprocity for the times you help out during the week and expect the same on the weekends. That is just another form of control. The truth is we don't have any control over what other people do. Whether we've taken vows with them or not.

The best thing for you to do is if you can't trust her divorce her. Trust is one of the things that is a deal breaker. You have to have it to have a marriage that works. Either learn to trust her and have her be honest with you about where she's going and who she's doing it with or move on. Being traditional I'm going to guess your not going to agree to an Open marriage. If she is having sex with other men how would you handle that?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can only control yourself. Repeat that 1000000 times a day.

Live it.

That means your actions, thoughts, etc. YOU control them.


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## MaineMan (Feb 26, 2012)

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I feel the need to clarify some points. First throughout the marriage I did all the house work and caring for the kids but she still demanded her time. It wasn't so much controlling has it was trying to get her to be a mother, and not to mention I never was allowed to go out or do anything like she did. But she always painted me as "just the father". Secondly, how is it fair that I should be expected to go out of my way to help her when she doesn't do the same? Not to mention her number one phase is "there your kids, you need to help." yet the same logic does not apply to her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is abusive to you and using you.
Her actions show she does not feel love or respect for you.
You are her assistant and worker.

She expects you to work a full day, then come home and take care of the home and her, and to baby sit while she goes out and sleeps at men's houses.

thats not what a person who has any care or respect for you acts.

why don't you see a lawyer? go for primary custody, even if you have to hire a helper for the kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

oh, btw - having time for one's self isn't bad - but using it to cheat is.


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## MaineMan (Feb 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> oh, btw - having time for one's self isn't bad - but using it to cheat is.


Thats the thing, all the times she has been with men, she never told me, hell I found out through other people and then she admits it. 

We have a nurse who works throughout the week to help (which when I have my kids there is no nurse) and she had told me a man had spent the night and was there early that morning, my wife had told me it was because her friend and her friends boyfriend had stayed. A few days later, the nurse told me the guys name and stated that his daughter had been over a few times. My wife and I agreed to tell each other before bringing boyfriends and girlfriends around our children, so I was kind of upset about it and confronted her and she admitted that he spent the night but nothing happened, considering my oldest sleeps in the master bedroom in a hospital bed. 

It's all lies and deception, yet I am the a-hole for saying something?


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't see that as clarifying anything. You chose to be with her. This is how she acts. Your need for her to act differently is irrelevant. She isn't. You are trying to control her. You want her to be a mother your way. You want her to be a wife your way. That isn't likely to happen. She says what she has to say to do what she needs to do. Playing the blame game and tit for tat fairness isn't going to do any good other than to stoke a fire of resentment and anger. I'm not here to do that. I want to help people see what they need to see to get what they want. You're not going to get what you want from her. I know it sucks, but life isn't fair.

GearHead


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## MaineMan (Feb 26, 2012)

gearhead65 said:


> I don't see that as clarifying anything. You chose to be with her. This is how she acts. Your need for her to act differently is irrelevant. She isn't. You are trying to control her. You want her to be a mother your way. You want her to be a wife your way. That isn't likely to happen. She says what she has to say to do what she needs to do. Playing the blame game and tit for tat fairness isn't going to do any good other than to stoke a fire of resentment and anger. I'm not here to do that. I want to help people see what they need to see to get what they want. You're not going to get what you want from her. I know it sucks, but life isn't fair.
> 
> GearHead


 Yet if I do not do what she says I get a PFA slapped on me, a court order for my vehicle and my name smeared in the mud. She has done this before and I had to wait three weeks to appear in court and pay three thousand dollars for a lawyer and it was dropped. But life isn't fair? I shouldn't expect anything from her? It seem equality is a one way street for some people.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, you're arguing a point I'm not making. I'm saying that if you need to control her or make these requests of her or deal with what you just outlined, then SHE obviously isn't the one you need to be with. You started this post about worry and devolved it down into equality and fairness. It isn't fair. Especially when the person you're with doesn't want to be your partner. You now know what you need to find the next time so stop worrying about someone who doesn't value you or your family and find someone who does.

If you've been through this before why the hell are you out of the house? Keep a tape recorder on you at all times let her know that you are and move your ass back into the house. You'll need it for a custody battle. 

Stop being a push over and giving the her everything she wants. Don't answer the phone when she calls and wants help on the week days. Don't do all the house work for her. If she wants this new lifestyle so bad then let her move out to have it. You'll be in a much better position for court.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

why aren't you divorcing?


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