# Changing the Rules/Agreement & Cake eating



## KellyAnn65 (Jul 23, 2014)

Well in my searches I guess my husband has become A Cake Eater....


My husband and I have been married for 15 years been together 16 
In Sept of 2012 I had corrective surgery done from the effects of stage 3 bladder cancer I had in 2006. Well after this surgery sex was too painful to even consider I chalked it up too scar tissue ..My husband has ALWAYS been very sexual person..So I felt bad for him and said he could seek a friend outside the marriage we only had 3 rules

1. He wouldn't fall in love

2. I could look anytime I wanted at text or email's that he sent to other woman

3. If I said stop it stopped

Well thing were going fine I knew he had friends here n there and that didn't bother me. And A couple of times I said stop and he did. So everything was going fine. Well this past January they finally figured out why sex was painful and I had surgery to correct it. We tried to have sex in February and it still hurt...I was upset and thought the surgery didn't work.Now as anyone knows if something is painful YOU DON"T WANT IT ....And I told my husband that my sex drive was gone which it was you don't like things that hurt you.
So anyway he started going to the bars and I guess hooking up there with woman.Until June when he told me he had met a woman that he was compatible with and it was gonna be so much better being with just 1 woman then the bar s which I agreed.
We even had this woman over to dinner where I could meet her. She seemed nice and even asked me if I was ok with this and that she would never be the "other" woman to A married an if the wife wasn't ok with it.Then they BOTH told me if I said stop it would stop ...So a week or so went buy and I look at the email's they are sending and they are planning trips together out west and how there lives are gonna be so wonderful and that they loved each other......I was pissed to say the least...I confronted Joe and he said oh it was just talk and the whole new relationship thing so I let it go..Then I see an email were they were together when he told me he was working
So I said that it had to stop it was going way too fast I mean I knew what they were doing but come there planning these trips and I am just suppose to sit here alone WTH.
Well Joe told me ok he would break it off with her this was weekend before last...So that Monday I think thing are fine she is gone ( Oh and in the meantime we tried sex again and it didn't hurt) so that was back. Well he didn't break it off like he said he would and she is not gonna break it off either....I am just at a total loss here I want to scream cry and just crawl in A hole and die...He tells me he still loves me and is IN love with me but that I am not gonna take away his fun...He also says every time I want to talk about it I am pushing him out the door so I can't even share my feelings with him about this the slightest little question sends him off. I even asked him about marriage counseling and he said no no reason just flat out no... I still have problems from the cancer and because of them I can not work And I haven't worked long enough as an adult to get disability busy raising his 2 kids and my 2 kids All are grown now but we are raising our 2 year old grandson ...
So when I said to him I have no say or choice about this he said yes you do we can sell the house and get A divorce WHAT I DO NOT WANT a divorce ...I have to give up my life of 16 years because he can't give up this woman?? 
Now he says how funny it is that my sex drive has come back right when he meets her I can not help that I got scared when we tried it and it was still sore maybe we tried too soon I don't know.

Now here is the kicker As long as I do not mention anything about this affair (It became an affair when they went back on there word in my book) and as long as I don't show any emotion over all of it everything is wonderful he leaves me love notes in the morning and has coffee set up for me ..He has brought me flowers if you were in my house you would swear we don't have a problem in the world he is al lovey dovey...And yet she is still in the picture and he is still planning trips with her and saying he loves her ...I still check his email's even though I have been forbidden to look at them anymore or his text either. Hell he tod me he was working late tomorrow is he no he is going to see her..

And not 10 min ago he sent me a text saying how I was the best wife A man could ever want....I am A complete wreck here.I can't eat can't sleep and I go around all day either crying with a knot in my stomach. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't express anything to him. I am lost and scared and hurt and mad and feel like the rug has been ripped from under me. I only did this to begin with because I love him so much and felt it was unfair for him not to be able to have sex it wasn't his fault I got sick.

I just want her gone but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen anytime soon. So here I sit miserable and upset

Is there anything I can do to feel A little normal againI don't know...

He is going to go see her this weekend and I am A total wreck and he doesn't seem at all bothered about it says he is but I don't see it

I love him so much and do not want to break my marriage up He is my whole world


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My personal opinion is that allowing him to see other women was a horrible idea. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy sex besides PiV. You should have gotten some sex therapy and been creative. That was probably difficult, and my guess is he suggested it? Please don't tell me it was your idea. 

Either way, what's done is done. But you did set some clear conditions. He violated those conditions, so yes, He is now a cheater. He will cake eat if you let him. Look up the 180, learn it, live it, love it. 

Start discussions with him about who is going to file, and when to put the house up for sale. 

If on the off chance he does come to his senses and dumps her and asks to recommit to the relationship, move slowly. Trust but verify every step of the way. Don't enter back into a sexual relationship with him until it is clear that you are returning to a monogomus arrangement. No more 3rd parties. 

If he keeps seeing her, get a good lawyer and complete the D. It's a scary thing, but they are talking about trips together. What do you figure, 3 to 5 years down the road he will move out to be with her? Don't let him go out in his terms. You deserve better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

KellyAnn65 said:


> Now he says how funny it is that my sex drive has come back right when he meets her I can not help that I got scared when we tried it and it was still sore maybe we tried too soon I don't know.



Yes that is quite the coincidence isn't it?  you know what they say about playing with fire.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thing tends to happen once you start allowing others in your relationship. He is saying he loves her? You are dealing with an emotional affair now. 

You can tell him to stop but there is no guarantee he will.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Don't enter back into a sexual relationship with him until it is clear that you are returning to a monogomus arrangement.



Really? You're suggesting that she continue to withhold after 8 years as a means of controlling him? Why would he bother with her under those conditions?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

KellyAnn, it does sound like he still loves you and is making an effort to show that he does. You opened your marriage as a kindness to him, and set some rules in place - unfortunately, they aren't realistic rules once emotions become involved. Before you make any irrevocable decisions, I suggest you read a little about polyamory and see if you can glean anything there that will help with your situation moving forward. There are books and web sites, such as "The Ethical Slvt" and polyamory dot com forums that give some excellent advice and perspective.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Agreeing to an open marriage was a dangerous idea. Not everyone can handle it. I could not.

I think your only option now is to divorce.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I really, really struggle here.

#1 there are a TON of other ways to enjoy each other sexually than PiV. I'd miss it, sure. Be upset about it, sure. But I'd also think it would be 100% awesome if she was willing to make up for it in other ways to keep me happy... and I'd be trying to do the same. Why was this not an option?

#2 if you think anyone can have continuous sex with one person for some period of time without a high priority of emotions getting involved I just don't know what to say.

I had a FWB back in my single days. All was great for a time. Until I fell for her hard. She didn't. So things got weird. I choked down my feelings, dated other women, and we continued on with the FWB thing for a while.

Until she started to have feelings, especially when I started dating someone I was really into.

So we had to break it off. Lost a friend and a sex partner and a potentially great relationship.

Sex is a bonding experience for a reason. I'm a guy that's been around the block... and if I have sex with one woman for too long, I'm going to start to have feelings for her.

I suspect there are more guys out there that are like me.

So, bad call.

My recommendation: sit him down and say that you feel like you've made a mistake and our marriage is on the line.

You can go away with this girl and our marriage can be in trouble, or you can stay home and stop sleeping with other women and we can find other ways to keep each other satisfied and safe that doesn't involve other people.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Really? You're suggesting that she continue to withhold after 8 years as a means of controlling him? Why would he bother with her under those conditions?


No, I'm saying she should 180 and prepare for divorce. That if he does say he wants to work it out with her and they decide to give it a try, to only try if they take the 3rd party option off the table. 

It's not controlling, it's a condition. He can choose to take it or not. He can choose to remain married or head down the divorce path.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marduk said:


> #2 if you think anyone can have continuous sex with one person for some period of time without a high priority of emotions getting involved I just don't know what to say.
> 
> Sex is a bonding experience for a reason. I'm a guy that's been around the block... and if I have sex with one woman for too long, I'm going to start to have feelings for her.


Interesting. So much for men being able to "compartmentalize" - the old myth.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting. So much for men being able to "compartmentalize" - the old myth.


Many (maybe even most) can, some can't. 

I probably could given certain conditions but, for the most part, I can't, and I'm glad for it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You might also contact the OW yourself. He might not have told her anything or less than you think.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting. So much for men being able to "compartmentalize" - the old myth.


Some can, some can't. Sex alone isn't usually enough to create a bond - there must be many other compatibilities to tempt me (for example) into a relationship beyond FWB. I had a 2 year FWB arrangement with a very attractive, young, highly intelligent woman, and at no time did either of us want more than friendship or "benefits."

And even when compartmentalization isn't possible, there is the whole realm of polyamory.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

KellyAnn65 said:


> I DO NOT WANT a divorce ...I have to give up my life of 16 years because he can't give up this woman??


If you don't change your mindset about divorce, you are all bark and no bite. He knows that. If he prefers divorce over stopping the A then you should give him a divorce. Otherwise you are and will be his door mat. 

I'm sorry for your problems, but it's a rare married couple than can let a third party into their marriage and it not be disastrous; agreements or not.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

80% of folks in open marriages report jealousy at some point which leads to conflict.

Only a small % of folks in the U.S. engage in open marriages.

About 80% of folks in open marriages change their view over time and 60% after five years of an open marriage go back to monogomy. (as some studies have shown).

The divorce rate is high among those in open marriages in the U.S.

95% of Americans want sexually exclusivity. 

One of the pitfalls of an open marriage is the threat of one partner falling in love with someone else.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> One of the pitfalls of an open marriage is the threat of one partner falling in love with someone else.


Think about it OP.

Would you as a woman be interested in having a sex only, no affection/emotion relationship with a married man, even if the wife agreed? Would you believe the wife agreed? And if you didn't, would you feel comfortable talking about it with his wife? 

I think that would be the case in only a very small percentage of women out there. Which means your husband likely would have to do things to increase his odds of getting sex; to attract a woman. Such as showing affection, getting emotionally involved, or even lying about being married; at least initially. It's very easy to see how those circumstances could create an emotional bond or falling in love with the OW.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting. So much for men being able to "compartmentalize" - the old myth.


Being real, real honest here I only can do this short-term.

And I've heard (and even read studies in psych magazines) that women are far better at compartmentalization of relationships than guys are.

So interesting.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

KellyAnn65 said:


> Well in my searches I guess my husband has become A Cake Eater....
> 
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 15 years been together 16
> ...


Not trying to make you feel badly, KellyAnn, but it sounds definitely like you are no longer *HIS* whole world. So I suppose what you finally wind up doing will depend on how long you can put up with being his #2 "home mistress." If he keeps this up, you can either give him the boot and take him to the cleaners financially, or just roll over like a puppy that's just been smacked with a rolled-up newspaper and whimper. It's all up to you. Whatever you choose, please know that I wish the best for you. Peace and happiness.

Thummper


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Open marriages can work for some people. I am not casting judgment on all open marriages, just saying that in THIS case, with this guy, you shouldn't be doing it. He can't keep to the agreements you set, so it needs to be over.

But how to save things now? I hear you that you don't want your marriage to fall apart. But I'm going to offer some really weird, and really hard, advice.

Prepare for divorce now, and set your heart in stone. It won't be there forever, but it NEEDS to be there now. You have to do some very, very tough things right away, and unless you can lock up your emotions, you won't be capable of pulling it off.

Your husband is not showing you respect, because he doesn't think you will demand it. He thinks you love him too much, that you love your family too much, that you need him financially. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you will not leave him. He doesn't see you as a PRIZE to be WON, but as a faithful dog who will follow him around regardless of how often he kicks it. All that needs to be changed, if this marriage has any hope of being saved.

This is it - backbone time. You need to tell him firmly what you will, and will not accept from a husband. That you love him, but that you need to be someone's One and Only, that he is not giving that to you, and that you will settle for no less. Speak softly, but be firm. Do NOT show weakness, or cry in front of him. Let me say that again - do NOT cry in front of him. Keep your head up. 

Then you need to be prepared to back up what you say. Start divorce proceedings, find family or friends you can stay with. I mean this. It sounds drastic, but it's so, so important. You will feel guilty because you will think you are breaking up your marriage. You aren't. HE broke it up. You are doing the only thing even remotely likely to SAVE it. 

You need to snap him out of his complacency, and show him you are worth fighting for, in fact that he MUST fight for you if he wants you back. Not just "for the kids," not for the wife that he thinks he can step on even though he still loves. The real you - the you that is worth his ALL. 

For this to work, you have to NOT waiver. It's going to be hard. He'll say you're over-reacting, then he'll start making a lot of promises. Now is not the time to listen to them. You NEED time apart, time for him to really miss you, time for him to get good and scared about what he might have lost. Be prepared for the fear that he's going back to "her," because he will. That's not so bad in truth - he's ALREADY with her, right? Only now he's faced with the reality of what life will be like with her but WITHOUT you. That needs time to sink in, for him to realize that he's really screwed up.

I'll be honest, your marriage may fail anyway. But not because of what you did. It's because of him. This might work, and in fact I think it's your only chance. But it might also not. Please know that you are doing the right thing, and a thing only the best, strongest women in the world are capable of doing. Stand up for yourself and your kids, because you and they truly deserve the best, and should not settle for anything less.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You don't have a marriage any longer. It didn't fail because you chose to open it up, it didn't fail because another woman interfered, it didn't fail because of your illness, and it didn't fail because of you.

It failed because your husband broke the rules he agreed to, and worse still, cannot see that this is a bad thing to have done. He is not changing his behaviour and earning your forgiveness. He has no integrity, no respect for you, and values his sexuality more than he values your sanity. Your marriage failed because you don't have a proper husband in it anymore. Sometimes it takes hardship to truly test a marriage, and unfortunately, yours didn't make it.

When a marriage has failed, divorce is the only option, unless you like feeling the way you do now? Do you love your husband enough to feel like this for the rest of your life? Your answer is your answer about where to go from here.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

OP, do you think your husband is perhaps afraid that your pain isn't really gone and that you may change your mind about having sex with him? What he is doing is wrong, unequivocally so, but I'm trying to see why he would be unwilling to let go of this partner, because some of his actions have and do demonstrate that he cares for you. I know PA/EA's are potent and difficult to break. I wish you the best as you try to find your path through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yes that is quite the coincidence isn't it?  you know what they say about playing with fire.


a lot of LD women suddenly become HD when they see their man is attractive to other women. Is it possible that this is what happened to you?

You opened pandoras box, I suggest you ride it out a little more and see where it takes you. You say you now have sexual desire back and it no longer hurts when you have sex. So...have a lot of sex with your husband. He probably thinks it is a ruse, and you really have not changed. Give him 3 months of great sex, and maybe he will choose to be with you and truly cut off this other woman.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> OP, do you think your husband is perhaps afraid that your pain isn't really gone and that you may change your mind about having sex with him? What he is doing is wrong, unequivocally so, but I'm trying to see why he would be unwilling to let go of this partner, because some of his actions have and do demonstrate that he cares for you. I know PA/EA's are potent and difficult to break. I wish you the best as you try to find your path through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes they are potent, but they often fizzle out with time. In this case she was ok with a little fooling around...just tolerate some more and he may come back tail between his legs and say he is done with the OW


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Any luck talking to the other woman? Your H may have not told her. If you have her take off, he may settle down again.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> a lot of LD women suddenly become HD when they see their man is attractive to other women. Is it possible that this is what happened to you?
> 
> You opened pandoras box, I suggest you ride it out a little more and see where it takes you. You say you now have sexual desire back and it no longer hurts when you have sex. So...have a lot of sex with your husband. He probably thinks it is a ruse, and you really have not changed. Give him 3 months of great sex, and maybe he will choose to be with you and truly cut off this other woman.


Best way to keep a guy is -- stomach full and balls empty...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting. So much for men being able to "compartmentalize" - the old myth.


JB, its all male bravado bullsh1t.. Please don't ever believe that guy can act like they don't care or can do that sh1t. 

We go home and cry when you're not around.. Just like women do.. Many are just too macho to admit it..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Q tip said:


> You might also contact the OW yourself. He might not have told her anything or less than you think.


Very good..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP,

Look I am not judging you here.. I am just asking because I don't honestly understand.. It took 8 years to fix this medical issue from the cancer that prevented any sort of sex ?

I'm just gonna ask and be blunt. Did you drag your a$$ on this maybe a bit ? Could it have been fixed 2 or 4 years ago and he felt or knew you were just not into sex and decided to give yourself a break ? 

Again PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, *( and one more time )* PLEASE. Don't take what I said above personal. I am not trying to be crass, rude or judgemental. I am just wondering why it took so long that is all.

People become complacent in their marriages and can forget this sh1t takes effort. Even I was guilty of that.. 

Unfortunately this has not been a traditional marriage for many years. So he is used to this type of thing as being normal. I consider this similar to trying to reform a billionaire drug addict. He will never be broke and can do all the drugs he wants in the world. Nothing short of an OD and death will stop him now.

I am wondering how many different partners has he had in the past ? Was it spirodoc ? 

The longest I have been without sexual contact was 4 months after my divorce.. It was a bit rough for me to be honest to go from 3 days a week for 20 years and even more during fake reconciliation to zero overnight.

So I am wondering where your husband stands in all of this.

I am wondering if he has had so much sex that now he is fretting that he will just have sex with one woman ( meaning you ).. 

Or is he reflecting back on his first 8 years with you and notices that these women do things you might not ? 

And finally maybe its a little bit of both..

Look I know you would just think he would be happy to possibly have sex back with the women of his kids.. But unfortunately there are too many selfish and d1cky people in this world. We just happen to be married to them... 

You think he would have been happy to have a wife that would allow him to do what he did.. But they are not.. It is almost obvious he would have done these things with our without your blessings.. 

I suggest you by a dildo and work to see what you can tolerate. Maybe you just need a little workout to break it back in again.. I know it sounds retarded but who knows.. Maybe he ( your husband ) too big for you right now. Try a finger or two, yourself and see if it feels okay.

Again everyone else brought up the relationship stuff. I am thinking a different route here. 

And now the final idea.. 

What is good for the goose and good for the gander.. 
Find your own new man.. Honestly I would not even tell him ( your husband ).. 
I would lie, I know that 2 wrongs don't make a right here. 
All bets are off to me the minute he said the only choice you have is a divorce.
Look if he finds out, he will either divorce you for real, which would have happened anyway I think or he will look to fix this.. Either way you get a real answer from him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> We go home and cry when you're not around.. Just like women do.. Many are just too macho to admit it..


Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up 

Man, you don't share that sh!t with the wimminz! Keep the mystery going man!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

marduk said:


> Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up
> 
> 
> 
> Man, you don't share that sh!t with the wimminz! Keep the mystery going man!



Take away that man's dark tricycle. His golden radio is broken.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up
> 
> Man, you don't share that sh!t with the wimminz! Keep the mystery going man!


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh Kelly. I'm so sorry for all of your pain. 



> I only did this to begin with because I love him so much and felt it was unfair for him not to be able to have sex it wasn't his fault I got sick.


You do realize that being sick wasn't your fault either, right?

My husband, who cheated on me a couple of years ago, has a medical problem that just caused a 2-year dry spell (as in: no sex at all for 2 years) in our marriage. Have I been sexually frustrated? Yep. But I would never seek sex outside of our marriage, nor would I ask him for permission to do such a thing.

Marriage is "in sickness and in health." Seems like your husband isn't capable of living up to that vow.


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