# Issues upon issues



## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

🙏


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Maybe it’s his demanding attitude that is dampening your desire.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don't think that not wanting to be used like a sex toy classifies you as "low drive." The only thing he wants from you is sex? I mean, why are you there?


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Maybe it’s his demanding attitude that is dampening your desire.


Totally agree its not helpful.
It makes me feel like he's not bothered about me as a person. My thoughts are that if I'm there and willing - even tho my sex drive isn't really there - he should essentially be all over me.

He has also developed a method where if he's not happy then I won't be. He can go days in a mood not speaking or sleep on the sofa for several nights.
I don't remember the last time he actually said i love you and most of the time he says I'm lazy, which I admit that I am. I don't if it's relevant but I also have ADHD (not medicated).

I should also add that I'm expected to cut short any after work relaxing time to go and get ready whilst he continues to play xbox or be on his laptop.

When I come down in my attire it's not like he's super pleased and straight on me. I usually even have to undress him and initiate.


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't think that not wanting to be used like a sex toy classifies you as "low drive." The only thing he wants from you is sex? I mean, why are you there?


I may have worded that a little wrong. It's not the only thing he wants but it's the only must have in the relationship. He doesn't really ask anything else of me but I still find it difficult. I've had low drive as long as its been a relevant thing but his ways certainly don't help.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Well, maybe it just never occured to him, that instead of being so selfish and demanding, that he could allow you to show what you like? It's called a relationship, 2 people choosing to be together, SHARING their lives. Sounds about lip sided and dominating. Should deal with issue first off.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not for you — unless you want to spend the rest of your life this way because he’s not likely to change.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Icanteven said:


> Hi.
> This is really hard for me because I'm going to have to actually write this out.
> 
> My husband and I were childhood sweethearts.
> ...


He sounds like a controlling putz. Only you know if you care enough about him and your marriage to keep putting up with this but it sounds extreme to me, like you're being treated more like a prostitute than a wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Maybe it’s his demanding attitude that is dampening your desire.


Instead of being demanding and acting butthurt when you don’t provide what he wants in the way that he wants it, he should be leading you through the experience. 
If he wants all this, he needs to take control and ownership of the situation and lead you through the experience that he wants.


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

*a*


TinyTbone said:


> Well, maybe it just never occured to him, that instead of being so selfish and demanding, that he could allow you to show what you like? It's called a relationship, 2 people choosing to be together, SHARING their lives. Sounds about lip sided and dominating. Should deal with issue first off.


We've had conversations about it and I thought we had a lightbulb moment when he asked if I would find it easier if he just told me what to wear and what he wanted to do. I said YES, I would! But then he said I have to start it?
I think I'm a massive part of the problem in that I'm not into foreplay. I just want to get it done.
I enjoy it while I'm doing it but sex is a chore.
I do it to keep him happy and if he wasn't so picky and demanding it would probably work.
We're generally very happy, have a great laugh together but the resentment is even creeping into that now.
It's really difficult because we really don't want be with other people but if we did ever split I wouldn't ever bother with another relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Okay, you're not really expecting a solution and just other people's perspective.

Here's mine. I bristled just reading the 'he gripes' part... and the not meeting 'criteria' ...I was just all grrrr on your behalf. I have no idea how or why you have put up with this for so long. Have you ever told him this ain't cool? Oh so many things bother me about this!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Icanteven said:


> Hi.
> This is really hard for me because I'm going to have to actually write this out.


Good job writing it out, by the way.

I get that that's not easy. How does it feel to read your own words back?


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, you're not really expecting a solution and just other people's perspective.
> 
> Here's mine. I bristled just reading the 'he gripes' part... and the not meeting 'criteria' ...I was just all grrrr on your behalf. I have no idea how or why you have put up with this for so long. Have you ever told him this ain't cool? Oh so many things bother me about this!


Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone taking the time just letting me vent.

Yes, we've had many, maaaanny conversations about this that immediately turn into arguments.
There's no spontaneouty (sp?) or fun he is obsessed with our sex life but if the winds not in the right direction he'll cut his nose off to spite his face.


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> Good job writing it out, by the way.
> 
> I get that that's not easy. How does it feel to read your own words back?


Thank you.
It seems a lot worse when you read it back because all the nuances of the relationship are missing from the bare-bones issues.
I do wonder why I can't just DO IT. Because I do love him and find him physically attractive. I probably should accept that the issue lies with me. I have in the past considered ending the relationship just so that he can find the person he needs, not because I don't want to be with him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Icanteven said:



I do wonder why I can't just DO IT. Because I do love him and find him physically attractive. I probably should accept that the issue lies with me. I have in the past considered ending the relationship just so that he can find the person he needs, not because I don't want to be with him.

Click to expand...

*Yes, continue *blaming yourself* for the unacceptable you keep accepting from this clown. Why not? You've been doing it for years, right?

You were two kids who committed WAY too early and you never got *ANY* life experience. This pervert is all you KNOW and all he wants to do is tie you up and pee on you and god FORBID you're not in the mood to do anal for him or put on your latex body suit and wear that ball gag, right? He treats you like you're dirt if you don't jump around like a trained seal for him.

How you put up with this demanding pig is literally a mystery to me.

You're so deep into the* dysfunction *that you have NO CLUE what it's like to live a normal, HEALTHY lifestyle because this is all you know. You've got this dog constantly humping your leg and expecting you to continually jump through hoops for him and you're wondering what's wrong with YOU. No wonder your sex drive is so low. I'm surprised it's not completely dead at this point.

I think you should do a WHOLE LOT of re-thinking about how you should throw this one *back* in the pond and let some other woman deal with this utter bull-****.

You'll be amazed at what normal life is actually like.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You are in an abusive relationship and you should get out. Not sure what you are doing with this man.


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, continue *blaming yourself* for the unacceptable you keep accepting from this clown. Why not? You've been doing it for years, right?
> 
> You were two kids who committed WAY too early and you never got *ANY* life experience. This pervert is all you KNOW and all he wants to do is tie you up and pee on you and god FORBID you're not in the mood to do anal for him or put on your latex body suit and wear that ball gag, right? He treats you like you're dirt if you don't jump around like a trained seal for him.
> 
> ...


Your bluntness is refreshing and appreciated.
Thank you for your input. 
I'm definitely taking a lot of this on board.
It's not really the kind of thing you can just talk to close people about so this is very helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Icanteven said:


> Thank you.
> It seems a lot worse when you read it back because all the nuances of the relationship are missing from the bare-bones issues.
> I do wonder why I can't just DO IT. Because I do love him and find him physically attractive. I probably should accept that the issue lies with me. I have in the past considered ending the relationship just so that he can find the person he needs, not because I don't want to be with him.


Could it be that he demands things that you are very uncomfortable with? Is he a porn user?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Respectfully, you sound like a sex slave. You need to fix this relationship or get out. You have to teach him how to treat you. If he has a temper tantrum, that’s his problem.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Respectfully, you sound like a sex slave. You need to fix this relationship or get out. You have to teach him how to treat you. If he has a temper tantrum, that’s his problem.


Read the above....A sex Slave...The ball is in your court.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I realize you posted a stripped down version of your marriage focusing on sex, but I got the same impression as some others. This sound like you are his sex slave or sex toy. I read all this and think this guy has no clue how good he has it and doesn't seem to appreciate it at all. He has a wife that is going to great lengths to please him and engaging in sex acts that many women wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole and he is griping about little details. Your husband is a fool and sounds like an asshole. It sounds like you've tried to deal with it, but again since you are dealing with an asshat of a man you aren't getting anything out of those talks. What is it you want to do?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW if he’s doing all that crap and you’re still going 3x a week you’re not “LD”. Maybe LD for the nonsense he’s doing.

Does he do what YOU want? Maybe even outside of the bedroom? What makes you feel loved? Does he do that?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I echo that you’re in an abusive relationship. Sex shouldn’t breed anxiety and feel demanding and threatening. You’ve been with him as “childhood sweethearts” so you probably have a difficult time seeing what life might look like without him.

Not suggesting to leave but your husband sounds obsessed with sex in a way that has become toxic and demeaning. I’m not sure you have a low sex drive or your husband just is a turn off with his ongoing demands.

I hope that you see you deserve better.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Excuse my language…but he just wants to f**k and you want to be romanced and share intimacy. He’s more interested in his pleasure than yours.

I doubt he truly loves you. You’re an object to him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Icanteven said:


> Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone taking the time just letting me vent.
> 
> Yes, we've had many, maaaanny conversations about this that immediately turn into arguments.
> There's no spontaneouty (sp?) or fun he is obsessed with our sex life but if the winds not in the right direction he'll cut his nose off to spite his face.


At some point you're going to have to let him know that this is pushing or marriage over the cliff and needs to stop.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Icanteven said:


> I may have worded that a little wrong. It's not the only thing he wants but it's the only must have in the relationship. He doesn't really ask anything else of me but I still find it difficult. I've had low drive as long as its been a relevant thing but his ways certainly don't help.


It's crazy what they can make us believe, isn't it. It's truly nefarious the way they break you down. He has you utterly convinced that he is the good guy and he's helping you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I echo that you’re in an abusive relationship. Sex shouldn’t breed anxiety and feel demanding and threatening. You’ve been with him as “childhood sweethearts” so you probably have a difficult time seeing what life might look like without him.
> 
> Not suggesting to leave but your husband sounds obsessed with sex in a way that has become toxic and demeaning. I’m not sure you have a low sex drive or your husband just is a turn off with his ongoing demands.
> 
> I hope that you see you deserve better.


Judging from what's been posted here, the husband is not going to take it very well when she tells him she is not going to be his sex slave any more.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Judging from what's been posted here, the husband is not going to take it very well when she tells him she is not going to be his sex slave any more.


Agree, but I don’t think offering advice on how best to tolerate an abusive relationship is what she needs to read.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Agree, but I don’t think offering advice on how best to tolerate an abusive relationship is what she needs to read.


Totally agree.


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## Icanteven (5 mo ago)

Honestly, I can't thank you enough for your input. I'm going speak to him and discuss this as honestly as I ever have. Maybe I've let him get away with the behaviour too long and he needs a shock to the system. I'm a fairly chill person and I'm all about an easy life but I can and will push back if need be. This was just never a thing that I thought I should be pushing back on. That it was more my inadequacy that was causing the issues. You all have definitely given me the confidence to push back and reshape things. If its not possible then I'll go from there but I feel a little less lost. X


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Icanteven said:


> Honestly, I can't thank you enough for your input. I'm going speak to him and discuss this as honestly as I ever have. Maybe I've let him get away with the behaviour too long and he needs a shock to the system. I'm a fairly chill person and I'm all about an easy life but I can and will push back if need be. This was just never a thing that I thought I should be pushing back on. That it was more my inadequacy that was causing the issues. You all have definitely given me the confidence to push back and reshape things. If its not possible then I'll go from there but I feel a little less lost. X


Hope it works out and he respects your boundaries! That’s all you’re asking for - healthy boundaries.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Icanteven said:


> I don't know what else to do medically and I know he wouldn't do counselling because it's too intimate and also because he says the solution is simple, that I just need to do what he asks.
> 
> I'm not really expecting a solution but just maybe other people's perspective.


Not sure what you can do medically either, but metaphorically, you can grow a backbone. You're husband sounds ridiculous. You don't do that to someone you supposedly love.


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