# I wanted to leave him, then the very next day...



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I'm a SAHM, who works weekends doing retail. My husband came home from work and threatened our kids with a piece of the bed they disembled (which I warned him before he got home that they recked their play room) I was so angry that he would threaten them and now I'm worried I can't leave him with the kids while I go to work a few hours a weekend. All he does is let them watch tv while he does programming on the computer or watch netflix. I packed a bag of clothes for the kids and told him we were going to go stay at my moms house that very moment when my daughter was crying because he came after her with the piece of the bed she disembled. The bed is a toddler bed which my son has outgrown. I feel like he doesn't respect, care, or love us. Lately I feel like we deserve better than that, but I don't want to break up the family, or loose the man I have loved for 10 years + since college. We made up and went online to look for books on parenting and discipline and he agreed he would go to family counseling. I told him we should just do MC, but he said he wanted all of us to be there together. Well for now we have some books to read from. Well the very next day he asks me what I thought of him joining the military (inlisting in the airforce) so that we would have the chance to move around and experience other citys or cultures and enjoy other benfits of military life. Since I have only lived in one place my entire life he knows I have always admired he grew up military traveling etc. I'm sort of confused that he would bring this up right after I almost took the kids and left to my moms just yesterday. It's a lot to process and I just wanted to know if it sounds controlling or like he is the one who wants to leave me alone if he goes on a deportation.


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

It's good that your husband wants to read some books and go to family counseling. You're right though, it is weird that he brought up going to the military right after you almost left. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean either, but I would listen to your instincts. It doesn't sound right. I don't think that would help your marriage or family at all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

never make big decisions in times of stress as far as new jobs and such

Your husband needs counseling for his anger


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If he is threatening to beat your children???!??? you need some professional support, and no way do you support him going into the military where you will be moved all around with no support of your own.

Honey, flags don't get much redder than this one.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I kinda agree most with lamaga. He was even on the phone with his dad asking questions about going into the military telling his dad I didn't think I would inlist also, but that he would. hum.... is he trying to tell his dad something beyond that?


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

plus the kids, and feeling like they are in danger... I wanted to get us away from him immediatly! My daughter is 5 and shes a little girl can you imagine how scared she was when he was yelling at her with a piece of giant ply wood?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You have allowed turn of events to cloud your judgement and your focus. He suddenly mentions military travel, and you kinda like the idea. He suddenly mentions military travel, and you begin to worry about HIS intentions. You plumb forgot all about the counseling. You let him convince you that all of a sudden he cared about you and the kids, when you had reason to believe he didn't, and I don't assume that one incident was the reason you believed it. But, you let him sway you and made you begin to think differently. I would have had to ask myself what good would family counseling do for two toddlers. I asked myself that when I read it and wondered his reason for his smoke screen. His reason revealed itself as I read farther. I wasn't surprised by his announcement. I couldn't, of course, guess what it would be exactly, but it was obvious something was coming. And there it was - the perfect excuse to avoid counseling - marriage counseling, family counseling, any kind of counseling, had no intention of ever going. The agreement to go and then the added effort at sincerity of wanting his whole family involved were all feigned to throw you off and convince you that you were wrong about him not caring. You fell for it, but that's not terrible. I think anyone would fall for it. It's easy for me to see as an outsider, but I would have felt a little twinge of uncomfortable curiosity because, as I said, I would have had to ask myself the point of toddlers joining in family therapy when the marriage needs help and he needs counseling to learn how to treat his wife and kids.

It's the usual routine. You were leaving, so he had to do everything he could think to stop you. But, he wasted no time in finding his way out of the agreement - the agreement you seem to have forgotten and quickly became consumed with all these other concerns prompted by his sudden announcement. What happened to therapy? What happened to you being awfully concerned for your children's safety? What happened to feeling he did not care about you or his children? Did those concerns also enlist in the military? The main thing you seem concerned about now is whether he plans to leave YOU, rather than you leaving him.

Also, I will ask you not to romanticize being a military family. I do realize you have some concerns about it, but I don't think you have any idea of the repercussions and the possible outcome. Have you not heard of the many men and women (mostly men seemingly) who return with insurmountable psychological problems and unable to adapt to civilian and family life again? They hardly receive any kind of medical or psyche benefits for the post-traumatic stress syndrome. It gets much worse than chasing/threatening your children with a particle board.

I'm just asking that you remain focused and not let him skate on his promise to seek counseling. You felt there were problems, so make sure the problems get addressed before beginning a whole new way of life - a way of life that in and of itself will present its own brand new pressures and problems.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

River thanks for reminding me of the real problem that was derailed by the "joining military" stunt. I know what I have to focus on and that sucks that I was basically played/distracted. It is fishy he wants to have the whole fam in our counseling, I'm not going with that. Why is it so hard to get the guy to go to counseling? Why is it usually the women always putting in so much effort? atleast this is how it feels for me, but it seems pretty common.


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