# Wedding anniversary



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

I won't bore everyone with my whole story, if you are interested you can search using my log in name and you will find all the sordid details. Briefly Dday for me was 8 months ago, my wife confessed to a very drawn out and messy PA with her friends husband, we are trying to reconcile and honestly the good days now outweigh the bad days. To her credit she is doing everything to make things right. I still however don't trust her and I have very little respect for her after the way she treated me throughout the affair. 

Our 18th wedding anniversary is approaching and my wife has suggested we do something, honestly the last thing I want to do is celebrate our wedding anniversary. I see a wedding anniversary as a celebration of married life and commitment to your partner. Whilst she might be committed now she certainly wasn't for the 2 years she was seeing someone else. I have made it clear to her that our wedding anniversary now holds very little if any meaning and she was very upset by this.

Given that we are trying to reconcile, am I out of line to reject something like this anniversary?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I am also approaching an anniversary in early December, and not sure how to handle it. However, my situation is different than yours.

Thinking I will recognize the anniversary with a card, as I did her birthday a few weeks ago.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

old timer said:


> I am also approaching an anniversary in early December, and not sure how to handle it. However, my situation is different than yours.
> 
> Thinking I will recognize the anniversary with a card, as I did her birthday a few weeks ago.


Agree, i've done the birthday thing since dday and it's pretty hard to stand in the shop and buy something "special". I honestly used to love buying her birthday and anniversary presents and always made a real effort to buy something I knew she would love. Her friends always commented on the fact that I was able to buy cloths and jewellery which she really loved.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> I won't bore everyone with my whole story, if you are interested you can search using my log in name and you will find all the sordid details. Briefly Dday for me was 8 months ago, my wife confessed to a very drawn out and messy PA with her friends husband, we are trying to reconcile and honestly the good days now outweigh the bad days. To her credit she is doing everything to make things right. I still however don't trust her and I have very little respect for her after the way she treated me throughout the affair.
> 
> Our 18th wedding anniversary is approaching and my wife has suggested we do something, honestly the last thing I want to do is celebrate our wedding anniversary. I see a wedding anniversary as a celebration of married life and commitment to your partner. Whilst she might be committed now she certainly wasn't for the 2 years she was seeing someone else. I have made it clear to her that our wedding anniversary now holds very little if any meaning and she was very upset by this.
> 
> Given that we are trying to reconcile, am I out of line to reject something like this anniversary?


Well, you feel how you feel, but there's no need to be rude to your wife. I think her being upset is because she may misunderstand you. Not to put words in your mouth, but you wouldn't be reconciling if you didn't value your marriage. Your wife looks at how you feel about your wedding anniversary as the same way you feel about your marriage. Telling her your wedding anniversary has no meaning is the same as telling her your marriage has no meaning.

Personally, I think you should suck it up and celebrate, not anything too extravagant if you,re not comfortable, but celebrate that you are still married and working on it. Don't ignore your wedding anniversary completely and don't use it as a day to bring up all the hurt from the affair. Save your problems with her and your lingering feelings about the affair for the day before or the day after, but not the day of your wedding anniversary.

You don't have to lie to her and say that you are completely over the affair and that you completely forgive her, but you don't have to tell her every lousy thing you're feeling, either, just like you wouldn't tell her you hate her hairstyle or her shoes or her butt looks fat in that dress. Just keep the negative things to yourself for that one day.

She is trying to get past this and heal the relationship and re-commit to you. If that's true, give her a break for this one day. If it's not true, then what difference does it make anyway?

The point is to work on your marriage. It is WORK for you sometimes, too.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm more on the line of Will Kane albeit I admit I didn't "acknowledge" my first anniversaty date after DDay. I just couldn't. Eight months out od DDay after a two year affair coupled with abuse is hard to swallow.
Dinner out?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I did the Bday thing in early Oct, while still in the process of making her feel guilty of her recently discovered A, although I had an undiscovered longterm A going on in the background at the same time. 

As I said, *Lmodel*, our situations are quite different.

I figure 24 years at least deserves a card - whether she wants it or not.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Our 14th anniversary is coming up in December. I am not planning anything. This is his chance to prove what our marriage means to him. He broke us....he needs to fix us.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Just tell her you arent ready to celebrate your marriage yet.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

No you are not out of line at all. Forget about the day you got married. As you said that day is forever tarnished. Plus remind her that last year she was celebrating your anniversary by having an affair.

The old anniversary date was killed along with the old marriage by her affair.

I suggest if you make it to a year after the day you decided to R then have a little celebration. A new marriage deserves a new anniversary date.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

old timer said:


> I did the Bday thing in early Oct, while still in the process of making her feel guilty of her recently discovered A, although I had an undiscovered longterm A going on in the background at the same time.
> 
> As I said, *Lmodel*, our situations are quite different.
> 
> I figure 24 years at least deserves a card - whether she wants it or not.


His bday was in Sept. I bought him a card and baked a cake. I let the kids and him celebrate. It was so hard to buy the stuff and bake it, but the kids needed to celebrate with him. I think a card for the anniversary will suffice.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Our 14th anniversary is coming up in December. I am not planning anything. This is his chance to prove what our marriage means to him. He broke us....he needs to fix us.


*I've always believed it's the guy's responsibility to plan an anniversary celebration anyway.*


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, I do understand your reason for not wanting to celebrate it. 
But what you said to your wife was somewhat spiteful. I've said some spiteful things to mine. 

Would you rather she had just left with her AP to go and do whatever in their fantasy world until the reality bus ran them over? Or are you happy that she is still around in your life?

How would you expect her to treat the day? Like just another day? Or would you expect her to at least try and do something special? Would you be upset if she didn't do anything special?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Our 14th anniversary is coming up in December. I am not planning anything. This is his chance to prove what our marriage means to him. He broke us....he needs to fix us.


Not a good idea to expect something special and not tell him. Guys in general are pretty clueless about this stuff. If you are usually talky and excited about upcoming events, he may take it as a hint not to do anything special if you remain silent about it when usually you would be talking it up. Don't expect him to be a mind reader.

To show you how differently men and women generally think about these things, you have several male betrayeds on this thread posting about how they DON'T want to celebrate their anniversary with their former cheaters, while you, a female betrayed, WANT to celebrate.

Lack of communication and false expectations will not help you reconcile.

Just something I notice in general, not just regarding infidelity, there are some women who expect men to intuitively just KNOW how the woman feels - that almost never happens and leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

There are a lot of books out there about men being from one planet and women from another.


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## robotmonkeyparts (Jul 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Well, you feel how you feel, but there's no need to be rude to your wife. I think her being upset is because she may misunderstand you. Not to put words in your mouth, but you wouldn't be reconciling if you didn't value your marriage. Your wife looks at how you feel about your wedding anniversary as the same way you feel about your marriage. Telling her your wedding anniversary has no meaning is the same as telling her your marriage has no meaning.
> 
> Personally, I think you should suck it up and celebrate, not anything too extravagant if you,re not comfortable, but celebrate that you are still married and working on it. Don't ignore your wedding anniversary completely and don't use it as a day to bring up all the hurt from the affair. Save your problems with her and your lingering feelings about the affair for the day before or the day after, but not the day of your wedding anniversary.
> 
> ...


I am going to second this. 

I refused to celebrate my anniversary with my wife and justified it by saying that 'I didn't feel like celebrating our last year of marriage.' The truth is that I was punishing her. And trying to control her by keeping her feeling guilty. I did this for months. It didn't help me get past anything and it came to a climax with me having an affair of my own. 

You don't have to pretend that everything is better. If you really are after R, then look at it as celebrating the year to come. Hopefully it will be better.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> No you are not out of line at all. Forget about the day you got married. As you said that day is forever tarnished. Plus remind her that last year she was celebrating your anniversary by having an affair.
> 
> The old anniversary date was killed along with the old marriage by her affair.
> 
> *I suggest if you make it to a year after the day you decided to R then have a little celebration. A new marriage deserves a new anniversary date*.


This is a very good idea, but you have to let her know you are CHANGING your anniversary date and why you are changing it, not just deciding to never celebrate your marriage again.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

To show you how differently men and women generally think about these things, you have several male betrayeds on this thread posting about how they DON'T want to celebrate their anniversary with their former cheaters, while you, a female betrayed, WANT to celebrate.

*I do not want to celebrate. I do not expect anything of him. I agree that it leads to nothing but being disappointed. I am just pointing out that if he wants to show how much he is trying and that our marriage means something to him NOW...this is his chance.*


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Not a good idea to expect something special and not tell him. Guys in general are pretty clueless about this stuff...
> 
> *True that*
> 
> ...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> *I do not want to celebrate. I do not expect anything of him. I agree that it leads to nothing but being disappointed. I am just pointing out that if he wants to show how much he is trying and that our marriage means something to him NOW...this is his chance.*


So you don't want to celebrate...but you want him to?
(Insert head-scratcher doohickie here)

:scratchhead:


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The simple and sad fact is that he never plans anything for special days, including my bday. I have learned to never expect anything. However, I would be surprised and it would go along way in our healing for him to do something/anything. It is his time to prove that our marriage actually means something.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If you are trying to reconcile, and your wife is sincere, remorseful and working hard at the reconciliation, then I would do something for your Anniversary. Assuming that YOU want to reconcile too, then it might be a chance to re-connect. 

Reconciling means remorse and work on your wife's part but also forgiveness on your part. Unless you don't want to forgive. In which case, maybe you should re-think the reconciliation?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm more on the line of Will Kane albeit I admit I didn't "acknowledge" my first anniversaty date after DDay. I just couldn't. Eight months out od DDay after a two year affair coupled with abuse is hard to swallow.
> Dinner out?


Yes. Split the difference.

Dinner out with her at a nice though not extravagent restaurant.

A card (I am not a card person so I won't give you advice I don't understand. Women ARE card people)

Get her a gift card to a mid to high end clothing chain. It is it's own message on how you feel. It's significant, but currently something you feel very distant from the 'joy'. Which is true.

Don't be a d!ck. Treat her like the affair never happened for one day. Not 'Anniversary care' but 'pre affair care'. You can go back to being whatever you were the next day.

See, she is wanting to use this 'magic moment' to help tighten the bonds and you aren't emotionally on board with that. I get both points. She's scrambling for every tool she can find and you are a bit disgusted by the hypocrisy of it all.

I have a slightly better idea: Allow her to use this moment however she wants. Get the gift and the card but let her know that while you will do anything she wants, the planning and finances are for her to decide.

That lets her use it the way she wants but keeps you from having to do something you don't want to put your heart and mind into.

Or maybe that's a horrible idea. Any others?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I can completely understand your feelings here. Your old marriage is gone & you don't know yet if you can celebrate the new one.

Is there anything at all that you would like to do for or with your W right now? You don't have to go the traditional card, gift, dinner route.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I can completely understand your feelings here. Your old marriage is gone & you don't know yet if you can celebrate the new one.
> 
> Is there anything at all that you would like to do for or with your W right now? You don't have to go the traditional card, gift, dinner route.


Yeah I'd like her to turn back time and not have an affair.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

Damn , this thread reminded me of the fact that in a few months i would have gone through my birthday and our anniversary as well , the birthday is not a big deal i think , small dinner or something , more about me than her so will do what i want and would be curious to see what she brings on the table as well as an 'effort'

Anniversary , quite a different thing , pretty sure if i am around that date is going to act as a trigger as it starts coming closer - i dont think i will be able to live through a party at this point , it would be like celebrating a lie


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

robotmonkeyparts said:


> I am going to second this.
> 
> I refused to celebrate my anniversary with my wife and justified it by saying that 'I didn't feel like celebrating our last year of marriage.' The truth is that I was punishing her. And trying to control her by keeping her feeling guilty. I did this for months. It didn't help me get past anything and it came to a climax with me having an affair of my own.
> 
> You don't have to pretend that everything is better. If you really are after R, then look at it as celebrating the year to come. Hopefully it will be better.


Let her feel guilty... She treated him like utter crap when she was cheating on him. Let her feel the pain so that she can look back at her actions ..she cheated and abused him for more than a two years. She betrayed her best friend. She lost all her social circle..Is she with him because she has no one options left and does not want to be divorced or is it because he love him ?


And I don't see a point in celebrating Anniversary after what she did..The celebrations can wait until OP feels comfortable.

Lmodel, do you see yourself forgiving her ?Do you think you can get over how she treated you during this time ? is there enough love left ?


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I know you are all,hurt,angry,pissed off and everything else but the question I have is why even get back together if this is how its going to work ?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Dates are Triggers. If the WS is truly into R they know this and they have to make amends for these times. 

The idea that a date is for an Anniversary or a Holiday is a magic wand that removes all the hurt that arises for that day is a nice fairy tale.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

How she celebrated the Anniversaries during the A?

Two yrs betrayal is tooo much to forget and heal in 8 months and go lovey dovey as if the marriage was the best.

She should feel lucky enough to be with you for this anniversary after what she did.
To celebrate or not its your decision not hers.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I find it hard to blame you and deep down, any pain you caused her by that remark pails in comparison to the pain she caused you. She just has to "suck up" your little jab at her as a small piece of payback for what she did. I personally feel that *she* should devote the entire Anniversary date to thanking you for being a better human being than she could ever be and that you took her back after she slept with another man for all that time.

I find her attitude about how you feel about the Anniversary date selfish on her part, with a total lack of understanding of the damage she has caused. This is just another example of "cheater entitlement"; they really don't want to pay for their crimes.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

I get it.

My WW had a physical affair for four months in 2011, and the affair was happening during our anniversary that year. On our anniversary in 2011, I had gone out and bought her a nice gift certificate for a spa day, a dozen roses and a nice card. She gave me . . . Nothing! And this was VERY unusual as she was always a big anniversary person. She apologized profusely and explained she had been so busy at work she hadn't had time etc. Needless to say, when I learned the truth 2 months later I was furious and crushed.

Fast forward to our anniversary this year (we were about 10 months into our R at that point), and I was very apprehensive about that date. I had made it clear that she had ended our marriage when she chose to sleep with someone else, and that we were starting over when we first entered into R. I explained that we needed to now decide if we wanted to try and rebuild a new relationship with each other, or start new with someone else. We both made the choice to start over with each other.

So I knew I would struggle with our anniversary date, but I didn't stop to think about how much she would struggle with it as well. For me, it was a reminder of broken promises and betrayal. A reminder of a relationship forever tarnished and my shattered dreams of what I thought marriage meant.

I think the wayward spouse wants to celebrate the anniversary because they want to celebrate that they are still together. Still fighting through all the pain, anger and guilt to be together. And part of it for my wife was about security. She was terrified that one day I would wake up and have a change of heart. That I would decide it was time to throw in the towel, that I just didn't want to push through the pain anymore. The anniversary was a way to celebrate us surviving it all together.

At the time, I didn't understand it. I was kind of offended that she wanted to celebrate the day at all, but over time I have come to understand what she was needing during that time as well. After a pretty big initial argument about it, we talked through it and began to see each other's perspective and needs.

So we ended up compromising. We lined up a babysitter, went away for a nite to a couples spa and just focused on us enjoying the time together. We didn't exchange gifts, we didn't exchange cards etc. We just made the day about celebrating where we were together at that moment. We golfed, had a couples massage and really nice dinner out. And some great adult time back in our room, of course! We made the day about the new us, not about the old marriage.

So my advice is to be open and honest about how you are feeling around your anniversary, but get your spouse to be open and honest about their feelings as well. And LISTEN to eachother. If your goal is to use the date as a chance to punish, then I think you should re-evaluate WHY you are in R. R is all about healing eachother and rebuilding your relationship, not about purposely inflicting pain and suffering. 

No amount of punishment will ever even the scales of justice for their betrayal. All it will do is push them away and turn you into a darker, more anguished version of yourself. The only way for you guys to move forward is to focus on healing and rebuilding.

If your WS is committed to R and doing the heavy lifting, be open to celebrating THAT fact alone.


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

Wow! I feel like someone is diving into my mind here! My 26th anniversary is next Thursday 12/6, my Dday was 5/23. I have still yet to get any answers or anything. Told him to treat that day as any other. Last year on our 25th I was a few weeks out of shoulder surgery, he bought me a diamond bracelet and took me to dinner. But at the same time was having an affair. Did he see her that day?? I don't know, won't answer. I do know that Dec 6th will never be the same and I do not want to celebrate anything because there is nothing to celebrate. Not even sure about this marriage, just here right now to get through the holidays before I make any life decisions. So here's a BS female that doesn't want to celebrate. Too hurt!


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Feelings justified. I'm having this issue for X-mas (d-day a month ago, don't have kids).

I don't want to spend 6 hours putting up decorations, much less "fake" being happy during present exchanges. It's sad.

I was pretty direct with her and she understands. I compromised, but set her expectations. I told her I would only get a few small things and I didn't want much in return. If she went overboard, I would be PO'd... no overcompensating... especially since she owes money.


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