# Why Do I Keep Doing This and How Do I Stop?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, here goes. 

Things have been going well in my marriage, largely due to me stuffing down any resentment, frustration, etc., and trying to see the big picture and the fact that the issues that I am facing (mainly intimacy and our sexual relationship) are not truly his fault, but that doesn't help with the anger and frustration I feel about the hand we've been dealt.

I've done pretty good at pretending the elephant in the room is not there, but occasionally I get so mad and frustrated that I let it blow and then feel guilty that I did - a vicious cycle.

Here's what happened. I was sick early yesterday and stayed home from work. Early evening I was feeling better so I decided to try to seduce my husband, needless to say - I was rejected and of course, not given a reason why - again! Well, my doctor says I am going through pre-menopause so my hormones and emotions are all over the place, night sweats waking me up, etc. So I'm needy and need reassurance that I'm still desirable, you know the drill. Well I blew up and started fussing (no yelling, no name calling), saying I am frustrated, I don't understand why you turn me down, you won't talk to me, and on and on. He stayed relatively calm and didn't really react and just told me he didn't want to be around me right now. I then said you know other men find me desirable but the problem is I only want you - that really puts me in a bad spot, doesn't it - you would drather look at porn on the internet than deal with the real-live woman in your home - thanks again for making me feel worthless - I then said good night and went to bed.

He stayed up for a long time (unusual) and came to bed after midnight. Reached over and carressed my arm and patted it and went to sleep, was still asleep when I went to work this morning.

So, my questions are:

- I feel bad now for fussing at him (as usual), even though I feel I was right.
- I want to send him an e-mail apologizing, but I think I should just let it ride.
- How do I keep from doing this and just go with the flow when I know its not his fault - how do I not take out my anger and frustration about the situation we're in, when I know it's not his fault?

The other day I told him, I know its not your fault, but it makes me mad and frustrated and I just need to get it out and then I'll be okay.

I think that its making him feel worse and pulling him away from me - I've been understanding, but sometimes...I just can't keep it inside anymore.

Any advice to keep me from blowing - count to 5, leave the room, what?? I don't want to take it out on him, but I just can't keep it inside all the time (yes I tell my counselor, but my husband needs to know how I feel also).

Any input or advice would be appreciated. I haven't done anything yet this morning (called or e-mailed), and I don't think I should, but I feel guilty now and its eating me up inside this morning which is going to keep me from concentrating on my job.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I think texting him a "sorry" is a good way to start this day. Don't let words like this fester, by now they have driven home the point. Your words last night...were a little harsh. But at the same time, i can't understand me who won't sleep with their wives either on a moment's notice. I view porm, but it loses vs a fair session with the wife anyday. Now him turning you down... does it stem from him being turned down as your struggle with what's going on as of late? Sometimes, foolishly, us men try to get our revenge this way. Did the porm start before or after your problems started?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

God what a drag. Two things

- Apologize for your part.
- Find a way to fix the problem... that is a difficult one huh? Since he won't speak to you. But you won't be able to stifle your frustration forever. So solving that problem seems to be the only solution. Have you tried counseling?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Porn has always been there and was never a problem until I started getting rejected - now it makes me feel as though its a substitute for dealing with me, so it irritates me.

Sure, he could be turning me down as a sort of revenge. But enuff already - come one, we're at the age where all the games should cease and desist.

I mean, with all his medical problems and I still WANT HIM - you would think he would be thrilled, but he doesn't seem thrilled to me. He acts like its a chore when it was the one thing I could ALWAYS count on - we had a great sex life, now its been taken away too and I don't know how to deal with it.

Thanks for the input...I'll call him, not sure I'll say I'm sorry - that doesn't work for him too well...but I can gauge his mood this morning and take it from there.

Dread going home tonight...probably get the silent treatment - which I absolutely HATE.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and we're in counseling together to deal with all of this. We've come a long way and things are much better, but we can't seem to get on the same page with this intimacy/sex thing and its sooooo AGGRAVATING!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sure, he could be turning me down as a sort of revenge. But enuff already - come one, we're at the age where all the games should cease and desist.


hmmmmm.... I may be reading more that is there.... but... do you have some issues that HE wants you to work on?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

What does he SAY in counseling about the sex/intimacy thing?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I was wondering the same thing as vthomeschoolmom.

Also--when you say it's "not his fault" that he's turning you down sexually, what does that mean?

It's hard not to take on too much responsibility for issues when you desperately want to fix or solve things...especially if your partner resists taking responsibility for his part, or even seeing his part. But from the outside, it's hard to see how you are entirely responsible for this problem.

I agree that it's a good idea to apologize *for your part,* but not for HIS emotional response to your part. That's his to own. If it doesn't sit well with him, that's his problem to deal with. 

It sounds like with this issue, he is limited in his abilities, both emotional and physical/sexual. I don't know if he has a physical/medical impediment to sexual attraction or activity, or what. But on the emotional side, his patting your hand when he came to bed seems like the emotional effort he felt capable of making in that moment. Not at all what you needed, but what he felt like he could give.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If you have seen any of my other posts, my husband has had a brain injury and takes several medications and suffers from ED, and sensation issues which has dramatically affected our sexual intimacy.

So yes - he is limited in his abilities. Not his fault, but that doesn't help me deal with it and keep my mouth shut when the frustration builds...I try, sometimes I'm successful and like last night, sometimes I'm not.

And to answer the question on revenge. He is angry because he feels I turned away from him sexually instead of vice versa. He has slightly rewritten history though to support his point of view. I have NEVER said NO or turned him away in our entire relationship - but when he started rejecting me all the time, it was easier to ignore it and not try anymore because I couldn't take the constant rejection - so he considers that turning away from him. So do I think he could be shoving part of that back in my face - yes - he does hold a grudge sometimes and I think he's holding one here (without good reason IMO).

And yes, there are things he wants me to change and I've made a very concerted effort - I've quit pressuring him "for sex", I've been less of a chatterbox as he has trouble following with his brain issues, I've gotten a handle on my finances (he agrees), I've tried to be more accomodating, less judgmental, etc. I've done TONS of work on my end, while he's done some on his - not enough for me. All I'm asking is for intimacy, affection and sex - that's all - why is that so hard!!

I did try to call him this morning, not answering his phone, which means silent treatment - which I hate and find extremely childish and passive-aggressive.

Did send him an e-mail but didn't mention last night - I think I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. He was drinking last night so maybe he won't remember....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

What he says in counseling is that he's working on it and that I'm pressuring him and making it like a chore. I guess asking for some time with him every couple of weeks is pressuring!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry. It's unfair to do more of the work to make things better.

He says he's "trying." I guess it could help to try and believe him.

The silent treatment and holding grudges aren't helpful either.

Would it help to share with him, maybe in counseling, that you aren't blaming him for your frustration but you can't help feeling it, and that it would help both of you if he were more accepting of your conciliatory efforts after the fact? Ie, no silent treatment or bitterness... 
Maybe if you take the focus off the part he feels he can't control (the lack of sexual ability), and let him know that when an episode like that happens, you'd like to come out on the other side of it closer, without the hard feelings and blame. Like focus on the healing and partnership in the face of a problem the two of you share.
Does he feel shame about this? It could explain why he pushes you away.
I'm guessing you've covered some of this ground already.

It's good you're both in counseling, as it can be a safer place to talk about it if you feel pushed right now to "pretend it didn't happen," which I know is very difficult and feels artificial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks, I just spoke with him and he sounds okay - but I didn't discuss this. We'll see how things go tonight.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Btw, Im not assuming you don't believe him or haven't tried all of this.

I'm just sharing how I might deal with the situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Of course you're not asking for too much and it can get better if he makes an effort to see the validity of your side too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update.

I went home that night and acted like nothing had happened. Later in the evening my husband mentioned how I went "ape ****" (his words) the night before. I looked at him and said "ape ****?" He then said don't tell me you don't remember what you did to which I did not lie, I simply said - perhaps I shouldn't drink when I'm sick." End of story, everything went on as normal.

So I guess I learned the solution - drink and act stupid! :smthumbup:

Works for me...thanks for the support.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good for you for how you handled that comment. If it were me, I would've had a hard time not letting it start off a huge fight. That's putting it mildly.

Hopefully you have enough unrelated, positive, "other stuff" between you to take the focus off that and help you truly move on from the argument. When my husband and I are really at odds, we need more of that positive "other stuff" to balance it out.


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