# She's left me. Is your experience mine? Is there hope?



## uku383 (Feb 5, 2014)

I've had depression for years. In June last year I lost my job. I entered a depressed state, but didn't recognise it. My wife did and researched divorce lawyers (she'd had enough), but said she'd stay while it was in our 4 year old son's best interests. I immediately started visiting a psychologist, we had a session of couple's counselling and in October I went to hospital. Two weeks in she left me, saying she couldn't handle it any more.

I've been proud, grumpy and irritable. We both had high stress jobs and I commuted 2 hours each way to work. I showed my love by doing things for her - always getting up for our baby, always doing errands, always doing anything she needed.

She has some memories of my actions in the past that were selfish. Some I disagree with (eg the most traumatic - she says I refused every night to practice her pre-birth calming exercises with her - I asked not to a couple of times, as we were in bed and I was tired, but mostly we both forgot). Most I don't.

I love her and am trying everything to fix myself. I do not want to be depressed. I want to enjoy life, with her and my son.

She is focused on divorce. It's been nearly four months. I am trying to give her space and also find work, but I'm finding it hard dealing with depression and separation. Thoughts of my son keep me here.

Does anyone have an experience similar to mine? How did it work out? Any tips?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

uku383 said:


> I showed my love by doing things for her - always getting up for our baby, always doing errands, always doing anything she needed.


Did you ever do anything for yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I believe the poster above hit the nail on the head. While thinking about "self" can make some people feel selfish, it does that to me at times, there's truth in it. Remember you can only work on yourself with the intent to improve yourself. You have zero control of how anyone responds to your self improvement. If that means your marriage will work out that great BUT remember in the end your self improvement will benefit you either way.

Having the one you love talk about divorce, work towards it without consideration of reconciliation is a bitter pill to swallow. So many of us here know that. 

I attended counseling initially with the idea that I would improve myself and thus be more acceptable to my stbx. It really worked in that I did improve as a person, it was a huge success in that respect. It did not save my marriage, that's the part that really sucks and it's hurtful. Still in the end I am a better person because I worked on me. 

I wish I had better answers to all this but I think there are so many variables in a relationship that can make it work or fail. 

One question I have for you is have you ruled out the possibility of there being another person in the picture? I know that's not the kind of question that is always easy to answer at a time like this because the thought of that is so hurtful. But to be honest with yourself you have to ask that question and really think about the possibility.


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## uku383 (Feb 5, 2014)

I didn't do enough for myself. I was consumed by work and family. Unfortunately, what I did for me was unfocused - the usual rubbish of wasting time on the internet.

My focus now is on getting by each day, getting a job and being a great dad when I'm with my son.

I want her back, but it's clear that won't happen unless I change. Even if I to, I take the point that there's no guarantee, and the fact is that it's unlikely that anyone who's taken the decision to leave a marriage will change their mind. That's a hard point, but one that I have to take on if I want to avoid being completely broken.

Recovery and reconciliation do not necessarily go hand in hand. I just wish they did, for all of our sakes. I can be a great husband, if given the chance.

As for the question of whether I'd consider being with someone else, at this point I don't want that. If I can't repair my marriage then I'm uncertain about exposing myself to the emotional risk again. Life is difficult enough, and I've got my son to focus on.

If there is any great tip that anyone has then I'd love to hear about it, although I'm feeling doubtful right now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

uku383 said:


> I didn't do enough for myself. I was consumed by work and family. Unfortunately, what I did for me was unfocused - the usual rubbish of wasting time on the internet.
> 
> My focus now is on getting by each day, getting a job and being a great dad when I'm with my son.
> 
> ...


Mach put this in a CWI post... it's the best I've seen:

As everyone says you've got to be willing to burn the village to save it. It's harder to do when she has moved out, but it's definitely doable.

First expose to everyone in her family. Don't give her money for anything. 

Quit discussing the relationship. Go dark on everything but kids, until she's served. If she comes around, you can always stop it.

Change your hair. Grow it, cut it, dye it, just change it. Add or subtract facial hair.

Get another ride. Something a single guy would drive. Hot rod, chopper, sports car.

Get in the shape of your life; as in a defined six pack, and the broadest shoulders you can get.

Start dressing like a guy ten years younger with 3X the income.

Next time she sees you, and ever time thereafter, she needs to see the above changes. Just like her fake rack, this is a signal to her that you are moving onward and upward to younger and hotter. Start going out like you're dating the world. Have a baby sitter in a couple of nights per week. Got to a movie, go to the library, go feed the bears, just be going out.

She will not like this message. Provoking that is your best option. Unfortunately, she is probably too far gone and living on her own gives her too much time to sample strange. She can get addicted, due to the brain chemistry involved, to riding the cøck carousel really quick.

The outward improvements and the clouds of mystery pouring confusion on the ground may get her attention. She may possibly become intrigued, more likely not, but if this doesn't work, nothing else will either.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Mach put this in a CWI post... it's the best I've seen:
> 
> As everyone says you've got to be willing to burn the village to save it. It's harder to do when she has moved out, but it's definitely doable.
> 
> ...


This is the most successful approach based on many of the people here including myself.

My WAW wanted to get back together after 14 months. Having a GF pretty much shook her world to the core. I was moving on, didn't care and she had to accept it. All of a sudden, she realized she was living in a 750 sqft apt instead of the pool home we lived in together.

Be strong, be independent,
Stretch


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