# New member that need advice.



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Hey guys! Im a new member but i have been reading for 3 weeks now. You guys helped me alot on what i was feeling when it was rough on me.

My situation started Apr 17. My STBXW told me she was going mudding with a bunch of co-workers, on my lucnh break I called her to see if she wanted to have lunch with me and she was with someone in her car and she didnt want to tell me. She wanted me to guess who it was and she would reply with "yes" if i got it right. It didnt feel right. She borrowed my cell that day because i told her to call me if anything wrong happened. Well, i tracked my phone and she went to several places in town and no where near a spot to go mudding. After work i went to where she was at and waited just for me to see who she was with. She was with a male co-worker. I got home before she did and i asked her what she did and everything that came out of her mouth were lies. I confronted her with what i knew and her face just changed. Ofcourse she got mad at me for snooping but it just felt like i had to. I never saw this coming. I just bought a house and if i knew that she was feeling like this i wouldnt of bought one.

That incident just broke me. Worst feeling that i had. Wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemies. We talked and she wanted a divorce but she wanted me to help her find a place, her car payments, and everyday expenses because i make 3x more than her. I tried to work with her but i couldnt do it. I would just get mad because she would tell me that she is gonna hang out with the OM. I do admit that i have an anger problem when i get stresses and i already set-up an appointment with someone about it. I couldnt stay in the same house with her so i took my 5 year old daughter to cali to my parents so i can think and get away from the situation.

I was in Cali for 3 weeks. The first 2 was horrible, always trying to call her and i just stayed in my room. Im skinny and i lost 9 lbs. Parents were worried but they knew i was going through stuff. Couldnt talk to anyone because they wouldnt understand and i was extremely lonely. My STBXW was the only friend i would vent to if i had problems but she wasnt there for me and that made it worst. I started reading through this forum and started doing what you guys suggested to others. My last week was alot better. I started going out to watch movies, buying stuff for myself, visiting family that i have not seen in awhile, i even went skydiving and im afraid of heights.

Yesterday i came back home to FL and i started the 180. I noticed that she started following me wherever i went. Im also reading "No more mr. nice guy" and wherever i am reading, she follows me just to see what im doing. Its hard to do this because im still very attracted to her. She would walk around with just her underwear and wear her yoga pants and she knows i love that. Today, i went to watch a movie by myself and i know she notices me being different. Before she went to work she told me she was pissed by the way i was acting. I told her im not trying to piss her off and that im just trying to read my book. 

My STBXW admited in cheating and to me, cheating and lying are the biggest things i hate. At first i wanted this marriage to work but right now i really dont. 

A question though. How did your STBX react when you did the 180? did they get pissed at you for moving on? and i apologize for the long post.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

My xW didn't had much time between exposure and 180, so she was shocked. Once she realized I wasn't chasing her she made a full turn and started begging me but cheating isn't forgivable in my book. I kept ignoring her.

Other than that I would suggest you protect yourself financially and not to fall for her silly tactics(walking around half naked, etc.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Remember the 180 is for you, not her. Your wife has no guilt or remorse at all, and if I were you I would ask her to pack and leave. Stay on the 180 to the letter. Let your STBXW stew in her juices. Separate your finances and get on with the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She thought she would be able to be the one to choose between you and the other man.

She thought you would be her backup plan if things didn't work out with the other man. You found out and agreed to divorce, she wasn't ready for that yet. 

She wasn't finished kicking the other man's tires and looking under his hood. Now she's stuck buying him and losing you, whether she likes it or not. 

She would still like you as a backup while she makes her decision. Thus, she would like to win you back so she can keep you as an option until she's sure she really wants the other man.

She is mad because you ruined her plan. She is tempting you because she needs you as a backup, she's not 100% sure about the other man yet.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

I wish I can ask her to leave. Im in the military and I have to provide a roof over her head. I can't leave because it would hurt my wallet. Our accounts are separate but she is still waiting for her paycheck to go to her new account. She still relies on my money to do her own things and im working in cutting her off from my pay check. I still can't believe that she wants me to help her out when she is the one that wants a divorce. Oh, and she told me she might get fired soon. Wtf?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ages and kids?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Oh, and she told me she might get fired soon. Wtf?


Dude start the divorce like yesterday. Push your lawyer to speed things up. She is planning to screw you over big time.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

We have a 5 year old girl. And I will talk to a lawyer on Monday, but mitigation will probably be my choice. Im sick and tiredof all this and im wanting a fresh start that I agreed to give her the house and everything in it. I just want to move on and all my stuff I really don't care about.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How much is the house worth? How much do you owe on it?

How much do the other stuff in it worth?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> How much is the house worth? How much do you owe on it?
> 
> How much do the other stuff in it worth?


The house is worth 170, i owe 158. The stuff inside im not really sure. 4 bedrooms so im guessing 20000? In a way I kinda want her to refinance this house in her name because I know she can't afford it. She already missed her car payment last week because I refused to pay it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> The house is worth 170, i owe 158. The stuff inside im not really sure. 4 bedrooms so im guessing 20000? In a way I kinda want her to refinance this house in her name because I know she can't afford it. She already missed her car payment last week because I refused to pay it.


That's not much. Even if you sell it for what its worth your earnings will go to commision and fee's. I would suggest you hand over the house to her name, but make it seem like she's getting a good deal, have her keep the furniture as well. But make sure to have your name removed from the mortgage ASAP.

She is a gold digger so make her happy until the divorce is over so she wont screw you over much.

Is she actively cheating right now?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> That's not much. Even if you sell it for what its worth your earnings will go to commision and fee's. I would suggest you hand over the house to her name, but make it seem like she's getting a good deal, have her keep the furniture as well. But make sure to have your name removed from the mortgage ASAP.
> 
> She is a gold digger so make her happy until the divorce is over so she wont screw you over much.
> 
> Is she actively cheating right now?


Not sure if she is still seeing the OM. I know they met up when I was in California, and I just got back yesterday. Im following the 180 so im not gonna ask her or try to find out. Its funny though last night that she uses her cell like she's texting someone and has that smile on her face. It was obvious she was trying to get me to react, but I just ignored it and pretended not to care.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using? Does she use computer for emails or facebook?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Which phone is she using? Does she use computer for emails or facebook?


She has her own cell now. She uses Facebook a lot on her own laptop and kindle. Before I left I saw her message the OM with a good morning on her kindle. After that I quit snooping because I will just get pissed. I tried to use a keylogger but decided not to. She already told me she cheated so whatsthe point in snooping around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She has her own cell now. She uses Facebook a lot on her own laptop and kindle. Before I left I saw her message the OM with a good morning on her kindle. After that I quit snooping because I will just get pissed. I tried to use a keylogger but decided not to. She already told me she cheated so whatsthe point in snooping around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is planning something, you'll have an idea of it.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

It does sound like you are getting it, I have to say. You're committed to 180 and you quit snooping already. Snooping is a hard thing to break for alot of people and you found what you needed and quit.

Let me say that everyone will tell you 180 is for you, not her but I know from experience that the reason we find it is b/c we're looking for ways to save our marriages. Maybe that's you, maybe its not. I was never able to stick to 180, even today. I will, till the day i die, be fine with the way I've handled everything but i'll always wonder if 180 could have saved my marriage. I think it could have. I'll never know.

Keep on keeping on. 180 is your only hope for you or for your marriage. I still struggle alot and if I had been able to 180 I would be so much healthier mentally and just might have my wife back. Do it. 

Oh, and do whatever Bandit says ; )


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

It is true the way I found the 180 is because I wanted to fix my marriage. But after all the heart ache and thinking, i won't be able to be happy knowing she lies and cheated on me. Don't get me wrong, i still love her and it's hard to do the 180. Maybe its just all this anger and hate i have that is making the 180 easier. Thanks for all the replies.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Guys please read this



> 1) *You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience.* You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be genuine when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. *Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want*. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
> 
> 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. *However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing*.


In other words, the purpose of the 180 is to help you to emotionally detach so that you can emotionally recover to the point where you can move on with your lives with or without your women.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Ok guys, i slipped on the 180. Last night she wanted to talk so we did. She made it clear that she wanted this divorce because of my doing from the past and not because this om. She is stringing this om so she can fall back on him just in case i leave her. The worst part is that she is a horrible liar. I caught her lying several times during or conversation. She told me everything she did while I was gone. And i caught her lying about when the om was in my house, sitting on my couch, he was babysitting her because she had a bad trip smoking weed with the om. We had an agreement that no one can bring anyone to the house. This is where my daughter lives! I feel like im back to square one. I am so mad i couldn't even sleep. I don't even care if i kick her out and leave her homeless. I wish karma would get her right now. Why would she even try to lie when we are already getting a divorce? Sorry guys but I just had to vent.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have to always keep in mind point #32 of the 180

*"Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared."*

She is trying to convince you - and more importantly, herself - that she has done nothing wrong in order to feel good about herself in destroying the marriage and family. This is very typical of many women cheaters - men do it as well - who are raised that a woman can never do anything and it is all a man's fault. In other words, she's delusional. So cut yourself some slack and get back on the 180 horse.

One last thought. In 1992 my first wife was diagnosed with breast cancer that had metastasized. She died a year later. My children (2 girls, 1 boy) and I were devastated. Grief counseling and the love and attention I gave them helped them to recover. My children are now young adults and doing fine with their lives. Sadly life throws us a bad hand and we have to make the best of it. Your daughter will never feel abandoned if you fight tooth and nail for her by always being there for her even if her mother tries to sabotage your relationship with her. You're a soldier and you know what it is to fight for that which you believe in. This is no different for divorce can never take away that bond that is for life, that of being a father. When it comes to your little girl, you never surrender and you never retreat.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Could swear that my stbxw knows about the 180. She's executing it perfectly. Sadly she's doing it straight out of wanting to move on with her life. She's cold, angry and thinks only of herself and what makes her happy. She has a strong network of single friends who remind her daily how horrible our marriage was and how great single life will be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get up, dust yourself off and continue on. The 180 is a skill to be learned like anything else. Study the list and commit it to memory and just keep working it. Soon it will be a habit. You are doing fine. 

Remember your wife is a cheating liar. She is not as good as you...nowhere near. She has to cut you down and rewrite your marital history in order to feel at ease with the heinousness of what she is doing.

Document her drug use to use against her in the custody hearing if it comes to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't get stuck so much on why she is lying. She is a cheater of course she is going to lie. 

Keep preparing yourself for the divorce. From what you posted she is already doomed for failure (financially), use that to your advantage by offering her more assets to get over the divorce quicker.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Thanks for the input. Im having a hard time right now. I just saw her Valentine'sday card that she gave me last February and made the mistake of reading it. The card got to me and I feel like what I felt in the beginning of all this. Thanks for the support.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Start exercising especially lifting weights. Do other hobbies on the side as well. Minimize your exposure to her.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

here is an update. Last night while looking for a lighter, i stumbled upon a receipt. She is using my money to buy the OM cigarettes and food. She got mad at me last night because i made the decision to not help her out and cut her off completely. I realized that it is pretty stupid of me to keep being a nice guy. I calculated what she spent and she already blew all of her paycheck. So i took her debit card and my credit card that i told her to use only for emergencies and gave her 60 bucks. I told her that is only for her and not to use the money for anything else. She is pretty pissed at me and she still thinks that she did nothing worng. She said that Karma will get me... for what? I explanied to her that she wanted a divorce, and a divorce means going our seperate ways. Was it right what i did or could i have done it differently? And im moving out at the end of the month and i told her she will be taking care of half the mortgage.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

IMO you did the right thing. My unemployd, lazy husband left me a month ago and when I cut him off he used it as another reason to play the victim. Then he accessed my personal bank account and took thousands I had set aside to make sure I could keep paying off debt he racked up under my name. Um, yeah, he's the victim alright. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep her happy until you move out and till the divorce is final. She will be bringing in men to fill your place so prepare yourself not to get hurt emotinally. 

Act fast on having your name removed the mortgage so your credit wont get screwed if she doesn't pay the bills, which she likely wont.

If you can, keep the kids by your side as much as you can. Once she gets even more out of control she will be neglecting the kid even more.


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Keep her happy until you move out and till the divorce is final. She will be bringing in men to fill your place so prepare yourself not to get hurt emotinally.
> 
> Act fast on having your name removed the mortgage so your credit wont get screwed if she doesn't pay the bills, which she likely wont.
> 
> If you can, keep the kids by your side as much as you can. Once she gets even more out of control she will be neglecting the kid even more.


What do you mean keep her happy? You mean to allow her to keep doing what she's doing? Im prepared with the OM part of this and im deploying in August and i hope i dont talk to her or find out whats she is doing. I deleted her from facebook and i deleted her phone number from my cell.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> What do you mean keep her happy? You mean to allow her to keep doing what she's doing? Im prepared with the OM part of this and im deploying in August and i hope i dont talk to her or find out whats she is doing. I deleted her from facebook and i deleted her phone number from my cell.


Yes, passively encourage her lifestyle. Play it dumb when she's around.

If she becomes vindictive she can do just about anything such as claim false domestic violence on you, lengthen the divorce, damage your house/cars/etc.

Will she be able to look after the kid decently when you're away?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Yes, passively encourage her lifestyle. Play it dumb when she's around.
> 
> If she becomes vindictive she can do just about anything such as claim false domestic violence on you, lengthen the divorce, damage your house/cars/etc.
> 
> Will she be able to look after the kid decently when you're away?


That will be a tough one. Im so pissed because she is just using me. But your right, i can see her doing that. Last night she claimed that she doesnt want a divorce now just so she doesnt get screwed over. right now im not so sure if she can take care of my daughter. She is so selfish right now and just acts like shes single and always going out partying. Before she was a really good mother. 

I also just talked to my lender and her name isnt even on the loan, only on the deed. they will not be able to refinance the loan in her name because she doesnt make enough. She wouldnt want to sell the house because she loves this place. If we dont get a divorce and she doesnt move out before i deploy then she has a free place to do whatever she wants. Then that will definatley screw my head up and prevent me from saving some cash to start a new life.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Look into selling the house for a little loss or short sale. Your time is running out if you're deploying soon so act fast. 

Tell her(not in writing) that you'll support her even after selling the house/divorce and if you're lucky she might accept it. Keep it as amicable as possible. Be as convincing as you can.

How fast can you divorce in your state?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Look into selling the house for a little loss or short sale. Your time is running out if you're deploying soon so act fast.
> 
> Tell her(not in writing) that you'll support her even after selling the house/divorce and if you're lucky she might accept it. Keep it as amicable as possible. Be as convincing as you can.
> 
> How fast can you divorce in your state?


Im not sure how fast. I have talked to a few people and they got done with there divorce from a month and a half to four months if both parties agree.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Since only your name is on the mortgage, can you have her move out? Maybe bribe her with a few months rent/lease? Give her most of the furniture, etc. for a quick painless divorce?


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Since only your name is on the mortgage, can you have her move out? Maybe bribe her with a few months rent/lease? Give her most of the furniture, etc. for a quick painless divorce?


I tried to get her to move out. She really likes this house even though she b can't afford it. She even wanted the OM as a room mate, but there's no way that can happen when my name is on the loan. See how hard my situation is... i might just sell the house. That seems like the most logical way.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Either way you're going to have to offer her something so the divorce can move quickly with the least amount of damage.

How is the real estate market where you live? Is it likely to sell fast?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Market here is pretty good. Its a military community so people come and go. My neighbor sold his house exactly like mine in less than a week and made profit. Thanks for the advice, i appreciate it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No problem, glad I helped.

Keep in mind to not lose your temper in front of her and to keep her happy till she signs the papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Good job cutting off money to her. 

Have you exposed her cheating to friends and family yet? Do it. 

Take your tax records and financial documents and save them in a safe place outside your house 

Ask your lawyer about getting a restraining order against the OM being in your house or around your daughter. Mention the pot smoking. Nothing like have the OM using drugs around your five year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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