# Lost



## loading (Mar 10, 2020)

Hi All. 
I am married with 2 young kids and another on the way. 
We have had plenty of issues on the way, and I have been working on re-establishing my boundaries and not giving into manipulation and demands. I thought things were for the most part getting better, as the more I didn't take the bait, the less he has been throwing out 'the bait' and trying to accuse me of things or making me feel guilty for nothing, to get his desired outcome. 

Anyways, I don't know what to do, or how to do it. This past weekend a friend of mine (woman) was over and our kids were playing. My husband is tech savvy and was playing around on her phone. We all go way back (middle school). We used to joke around and post silly things to facebook as each other, or send funny messages to other people, that sort of thing. So she and I didn't really think anything much of him grabbing her phone, and he showed her how to take pictures when it is locked (she is not tech savvy, at all). 

The next day, she texts me and says she needs to talk to me in person. Very out of character as we regularly communicate through a bunch of other modes. I meet her after work and she starts crying and tells me that her husband asked her if she let my husband on her phone, as he saw the messages on their laptop. She checked her phone and the message and picture was deleted. So, she had a racy photo on her phone that she thought she had deleted, but not all the way evidently, that my husband found, sent to himself, and then deleted it from her phone. My friend was very distraught because we ourselves have been best friends since second grade and it she didn't want me to think she would ever do that, plus of course humiliated and felt awkward. She doesn't even want me to confront my husband because of the position it puts her in. I am so angry for her. She is thankful her face wasn't in the photo - but STILL.

I am so very angry, embarrassed, humiliated, and a whole other range of emotions. I am left wondering how much has he done this in the past and to who else. I told her I am not going to play the ignorant wife forever and pretend it never happened and let it go. It is completely not ok. I did say I wanted to wait and not bring it up yet, but see what else I could find. 

I mean - where do I go from here? I don't want to divorce if possible, but I don't know how I can trust him or not be bothered or worried about him. He has always treated me as if I was a cheater (where are you, who was that, etc) and we have had huge fights about it. I realize those are signs that the accuser is the cheater, but maybe it was just a head in the sand thing, I didn't want to go crazy looking for evidence. I simply have told him from the beginning, if you cheat, I will find out, and that is it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What I would do: 
Ask to see the husband's phone. Find the photo/text, and confront him on his huge betrayal of trust - not just yours, but your friends as well.

I'd say something to the effect of giving a written apology to the friends and to yourself over the whole thing, and he should agree to giving you all of his passwords, etc.

If he won't give you his phone, then you know there's likely even more to it than that.

If he won't play ball - and he likely won't - then I'd say you're well within your rights to consider your marriage at a crossroads. Even if he apologizes, but even more so if he doesn't. And I would never ask/allow your husband to interact with these friends ever again. 

Disgusting behavior.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No stop and confront your pervert of a husband. You can not trust him now or in the future. He crossed the boundary of a married man, and he chose your friend. He's a sick dude why would you want to stay? The only thing that I would accept is he goes to her husband and takes what he has coming to him other than that. Nothing else will be accepted. You need to nip this in the bud now.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'd say what he did was worse than have an affair.
He breached her and her husbands confidence without permission. Akin to stealing a private sex tape.
It may be criminal. 
It takes some kinda guts to do that!
Worse part....you will never forget it. I hate to say it, but I think D is in your future...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But deserving it is.


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## loading (Mar 10, 2020)

I do believe it could be pursued as an invasion of privacy and a type of criminal offense. 
I think he probably assumed she would be clueless. 

I haven't brought it up yet. He knew I went to talk with her in person last night and asked what it was about, to which I vaguely replied girl stuff, and went about getting my kids ready for bed, and then I went to bed. He has since said he doesn't feel good and even slept on the couch last night because he has stuff keeping him awake and doesn't feel good. I suspect he has an idea that I know, and if that is the case, he likely removed anything incriminating he had off his phone. Doesn't change the proof my friend has. 

I don't think my friend or her husband want any further involvement in it and want to essentially wash their hands of it. And of course avoid him.

I have been honestly contemplating divorce heavily for the past year for other reasons, (repeated fights over finances, sex life, etc.) but wanted to put in the work to make it through. This changes things. This is not what I would have ever expected. 

Unfortunately I am away for work until this weekend now and confronting via phone isn't going to be an option. But I will this weekend. I just need to mentally prepare for what that entails.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask your friends if they want the police brought in.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

About a year before he assaulted my wife, a husband was showing the guy something in his phone, when he found a racy photo of his wife. Like in a bikini or something. 

The guy forwarded it to all of his co-workers and himself, and thought it was funny. And that it was the husbands fault for letting him handle his phone. 

I wouldn’t call it sexual assault, but I think it’s indicative of a predilection for transgressive sexual behaviour and a total lack of decency or boundaries. 

I’d watch out for your husband if I were you. This stuff doesn’t just come out of nowhere.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Given what you've told us, I would probably consider this the straw that breaks the camel's back. You've already had your issues with the M and now his behavior is something that would make me lose respect. It would destroy respect, trust, and therefore love.

People who do things like this are creeps and I'm sure you don't want to be married to a creep. I also think your friend could take legal action if she were so inclined.

Sorry you have to go through this.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Ask your friends if they want the police brought in.


Then divorce him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No need to air out what he did to police or anyone else. That would be just more needless embarrassment.

Just divorce him, he will know why. 
Not that it matters, if he knows or not....

OP, (@loading) knows why, and that is enough. 

He husband lacks boundaries and proper reflection/introspection.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Go see a lawyer and see what your options are.
Go into stealth mode, see what you can find. I think you will find alot of stuff.
Listen to your gut, you know for some time something is off with your H.
It is highly likely he is cheating also.
Don't put him on guard.
Confide in a close friend or family member.
How old are your kids?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Ask your friends if they want the police brought in.


I'd let them decide that on their own.
They know.
He knows.
She knows.
No need to hit a hornets nest for the exercise.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

aine said:


> go see a lawyer.
> It is highly likely he is cheating also.


this


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Marduk said:


> About a year before he assaulted my wife, a husband was showing the guy something in his phone, when he found a racy photo of his wife. Like in a bikini or something.
> 
> The guy forwarded it to all of his co-workers and himself, and thought it was funny. And that it was the husbands fault for letting him handle his phone.
> 
> ...


Edit.
Answered my own question. Search function...duh

Terrible

Yep, you have to be very careful with these actions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How lopsided is your marriage? Are you always on the defensive, defending yourself, being blamed? Then what's the benefit of the marriage?


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## loading (Mar 10, 2020)

I go home tonight and am nervous as all hell. The thought of bringing it up makes me feel sick. 
My initial reaction is that I wanted to get a hold of his phone or his iCloud and see what else I could find, ask him if he wanted to tell me anything, and see what he would fess up to. I have a feeling he will only admit to what I have evidence of, and I also feel like this isn't the first or only time something like this has probably happened. Getting his phone from him would be difficult, as he has it on him 99% of the time. In the past we have both been in each others phones but I have never really looked for anything in his, just used an app I needed or something. He on the other hand, likes to covertly comb through my things. He has long had an issue with trusting me (I have never been unfaithful, and am an open book, I hide nothing). He says it is because he was cheated on the past (keep in mind this would've been a short relationship in teen years). Over 10 years ago a friend from high school texted me when he was back from the military and wanted to meet up, to which I politely brushed him off, as I was dating my husband. I deleted the convo and later my husband (then bf) asked me and I didn't tell him about it. Well they ran into each other in person and the other guy told him, so I have always been made out to be the bad guy because of this. We have had multiple large fights about it where I told him what I did was wrong, and the reasoning I did it is because he completely flips out and gets angry and accusatory and would treat me as a cheater even if he saw and knew about the convo. 

If we didn't have little ones in the home (two toddlers, and a baby on the way) I would just pack up and go. I am so angry and hurt that he would do something like this to our family and my friend. I feel like he threw away all of our history and future. 

My friend does not want to involve the police or anything, nor does her husband. They said they only wanted me to be aware of what happened and what he was doing. If they wanted to pursue any further action, that's their right, but I don't think anyone wants to make it messier by getting the police involved or anyone else. 

Another thought I have had is if he has done this to other friends in our group (which would be basically his long time best friends wives). Confronting him about this and the possibility of him being ousted and losing all of his lifetime friends, essentially, has me scared of how he will react to me. Whatever he has done is his bed to lie in, but I am worried about his anger and what it could lead to. 

I guess all in all in this, I am debating trying to find more evidence first, or just bringing it up and asking to see his phone. He can be a master manipulator and I need to keep my head on straight and my emotions level through this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What do you hope to accomplish by confronting your husband?

I wouldn't go through his phone secretly. It's better to ask him to hand over his phone. He probably won't. If he doesn't, that tells you he is hiding something. What will you do if he refuses to show you his phone? At that point, you know he's doing things that are damaging to your marriage.

This is terrible that this is happening while you have two little children and are pregnant, but don't put up with his abuse. You cannot be safe with someone who clearly doesn't honor his marriage.

My recommendation is to see an attorney before confronting him. Tell him you are not feeling happy and you need some space, then speak to an attorney and find out what divorce would do to you. Make a plan. Staying with a man who is behaving like this is not doing you or your children any good, but obviously you need to consider how you are going to care for your children and how you are going to manage once the baby comes.

When is the baby due? Do you have a good support system?


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## farfalla (Oct 22, 2019)

Do you have access to the bills for his cell phone? If you do, check his bills to see if there are any numbers that he is in contact with a lot.

Don't confront him until you do a bit more research to see if this is a on-off incident in which he did something very stupid, or if this is insight into a pattern that he's been hiding from you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

In view of your accumulated anger, I predict that you will confront him sooner than later.

In order to be taken seriously, he must believe that you are ready to divorce him. Not just for stealing the picture but for what sounds like a pattern of abusive behavior. You two don't need MC right now. First your husband needs IC to fix himself.

1 - Inform him of what you need to even consider staying married to him (e.g., no more spying on you or accusations, full excess to all his social media and phone). 

PLUS: With respect to the stolen picture, it's not your job to find the picture. He created this mess and he needs to fix it. Insist that in order to save his marriage he needs to retrieve the picture (yes he can retrieve a deleted pic from his phone) - and write an apology to your friends.

2 - People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. With respect to him always being suspicious of you, offer to take a polygraph test (will he?).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he typically makes you feel sick in your stomach to confront him (on anything), then you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Going to go down two totally different paths here.

1) No need to find more stuff. There is no need. You don't even need proof of what you already know. I think you should tell him exactly what you know, what they know, and demand that he explain himself.

2) Any chance your friend is using this as a cover up for actually sending the photo to your husband? Could she be making up this story because her husband found this and she needed an alibi? If so, then you still have a really bad problem, an even worse one.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> If he typically makes you feel sick in your stomach to confront him (on anything), then you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.


Or just conflict avoidant.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

wow talk about whipping yourself up into a massive frenzy over nothing...

tell him he's being an immature jerk, and to delete the photo. If he sent it to anyone else, then give his phone to her, and get her to press charges. (it is illegal to distribute intimate photos of people without their permission).

and get off your hysterics, it really doesn't anyone or society. Your friend is mildly embarrassed, not dying of stage four cancer.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

spotthedeaddog said:


> wow talk about whipping yourself up into a massive frenzy over nothing...
> 
> tell him he's being an immature jerk, and to delete the photo. If he sent it to anyone else, then give his phone to her, and get her to press charges. (it is illegal to distribute intimate photos of people without their permission).
> 
> and get off your hysterics, it really doesn't anyone or society. Your friend is mildly embarrassed, not dying of stage four cancer.


Concure with spottthedeaddo 100%

Buffer


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

This sounds like a cover up for your friend being cought sending your husband pics. Please look into this angle. That was this very first thing that went through my mind because I cought my now ex wife in something similar. I think you have a bigger issue here you need to address. Good luck.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Rushmore410 said:


> This sounds like a cover up for your friend being cought sending your husband pics. Please look into this angle. That was this very first thing that went through my mind because I cought my now ex wife in something similar. I think you have a bigger issue here you need to address. Good luck.


Exactly what I was thinking. The story of him going into your friends phone - then finds revealing pic - by chance - then sends it to himself - really???

Not Buying It


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rushmore410 said:


> This sounds like a cover up for your friend being cought sending your husband pics.


This would make sense, except for one glaring detail: loading saw her husband messing with her friend's phone.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> This would make sense, except for one glaring detail: loading saw her husband messing with her friend's phone.


Kind of, but there is another glaring detail in her opening post.
This part interested me.



> she starts crying and tells me that* her husband asked her if she let my husband on her phone, as he saw the messages on their laptop.* She checked her phone and the message and picture was deleted. So, she had a racy photo on her phone that she thought she had deleted, but not all the way evidently, that my husband found, sent to himself, and then deleted it from her phone.


I bring this up because this place has me jaded. Accidents do happen, but this sounded like the other husband was snooping on his wife and saw the picture get sent and then deleted.

Now, OP’s husband could be a creeper who goes through phones to find deleted nasty photos.

It could be them covering up some BS and his attitude in her second post does make me wonder if he is a cheater.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Kind of, but there is another glaring detail in her opening post.
> This part interested me.
> 
> 
> ...


Okay. I see your point. I know someone who stole the SD card out of a woman's phone, presumably to see if she anything racy on it. They were never able to find the SD card, but know for sure who took it. That same person did numerous things similar to what the OP is concerned about. So in my personal experience, this kind of thing does happen. Yes, we threw that man out of our circle of friends.


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

The Op's husband was looking at friends phone to make sure she deleted the pics that she sent him. Husband of OW saw that something was deleted and called her out. She pleaded with her husband to believe that she's not a cheater. It must have been Op's husband creeping.

I believe either way that this is a horrible situation but before I would believe best friend I would look into it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

These damn cell phones, they call out the worst in us.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who just hands their phone over to a friend's husband? Especially, when said friend has undoubtedly seen/been told what a jerk the guy is.

I don't see this as the OP making a mountain out of a molehill. That old 'boys will be boys' attitude is for the birds. This guy invaded her friend's privacy and endangered her marriage. He's a creep.

This could be the straw that broke the camel's back.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rushmore410 said:


> The Op's husband was looking at friends phone to make sure she deleted the pics that she sent him. Husband of OW saw that something was deleted and called her out.


I'd bet money and give odds that's the way it went down. Of course he showed her how to take pictures (selfies), and recommended the type pictures to take, using her phone. She was happy to oblige and let him know the "glamour" shots out there and likely sent him a copy.  It'd be interesting to bang the date the picture was made against the date it was sent to the husband's phone. That's the simple version. 
The hard version is the husband get the friends phone, got past the pass code, restored and searched the pictures for possible racy pictures that were deleted, sent the pictures to his phone, re-deleted the pictures. Probably ain't the first time he saw the friend in all her glory. 
Additionally, I think Loading should show us the pictures so we can judge for ourselves how serious it is.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

My ex stole my phone from my purse when I was sleeping. My phone is only unlocked by passcode, or face recognition.

While I was sleeping, he unlocked my phone.
He gained access to my email, facebook...everything. He then gained access to these accounts and then progressed over the course of 1 night to lock me out of my phone and then message my family and friends with harassing messages.

After around 10 hours of trying to get in, calling my service provider and the manufacturer, everything magically returned to normal.

I ended up having to change all of my passwords and deleting all social media because I was getting texts from people asking me wtf happened because he caused a lot of crap.

Moral to my story...someone that does that stuff does so to be malicious. It is just the beginning. Get your freedom now before he ruins your life.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

How did the talk go with hubby?
He needs a good wake up call regarding this.
As to how it has affected you, the children, your friends etc.
Buffer


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