# Dealing with depression



## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

We have been married for over 20 years. We have both considered divorce. He is comfortable being by himself all the time. Meaning I pretty much live on my own even on weekends. However, what is hard to believe is that we do not talk. We talk about what to have for breakfast or any safe topic. Meaning something in which we will not disagree. He takes any disagreement as a put down. He walks off, screams to stop, or thanks me for making him feel bad. He assumes I am trying to tell him it is his entire fault, or I am attacking him somehow. 

I think he has a tendency to be upset and he looks for excuses. Early on, he used to tell me that it was because I did not keep the house clean. I worked and took care of our child. I now feel that he uses me to feel good. We barely have a relationship and all of a sudden, he is nice one day and that night no doubt 2 AM or maybe earlier, he wants action. Which he now calls pity sex and is upset for that. I think our society is designed so women have to please. In a way, we are prostitutes. It is just the way it is but people get tired and at some point we want things right. Even men start looking for something more meaningful but they are clueless about their role in the whole thing... 

It may sound as if he were a horrible man indeed but he is not he is a wonderful man with lots of baggage on him. Too much indeed. If he were to ever get out of his depression, he would be ashamed of how he has behaved for many years. Nevertheless, what can he do? He has a psychiatrist, who is useless. Just prescribes. He cannot see reality. We may actually end up divorced. I would never marry again. It is not easy to be alone in this world. 

I used to believe he loved me but he only does for the marriage what he wants not what I want. He thinks everything I want is manipulation. It is so frustrating. I just do not see a way out of this without communication and if we have not really talked in 20 plus years. I have little hope we will start now. 

It may seem that I have just let it go for too long and I have. However, I have fought every step of the way I just end up giving up because it is like talking to a wall. From time to time his true self comes out. It is just harder to see him now. All I really notice is self-destruction with smoking and others. I feel I am giving up and he will never really know what happened. 

I am sure I could have done so many things but without communication, how can there be compromise. How can we do anything?

I understand that he did not have an easy childhood and life has not been easy but I have seen people with really really bad lives and they are loving and doing fine. Again, I do not understand depression. I have spent most of my life not letting it affect me too badly. Before I realized that this was the problem I was about to go crazy myself.

The saddest part is that we could have had a dream marriage. That is how things started. Really short lived. Shortly after I started working and my job did not let us spend much time together he went back to what I believe were his old ways. But he was close to perfect for a few months and from there slowly bur surely declining and now it is out of our hands.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I'm pretty sure you husband isn't clueless about whats been going on. This seems like 2 visions here the one you have and the one he has. You come across as if he done xyz then things will change. Guess what your husband is thinking the same thing. Before throwing in the towel maybe just do things differently. It could be a love language thing idk men do need respect, admiration, sex, friend, etc. Men react harshly to criticism even constructive. Men react harshly against seen in a negative light. Same with intimacy and even distancing yourself this goes with sex and friend. Idk if you ever read the book the 5 love languages pretty spot on. 
I just think the mindset of "well if so and so done xyz" is bad medicine. He's thinking the same by now. This will only create tension. But it's hard to get a vibe from others online.

Good luck.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

I will get that book tomorrow. What I mean by clueless is that men can not treat women like coke machines, it works but truly at the woman's expense. This is all they know and they do not know that women are just going with the flow. Indeed we are both guilty. It is not true for every man and woman. Some are very aware of their partner. 

We all want to be respected, admired, loved... but we cannot be absent and rude and then just be in the mood and think they have a coke machine. Coke machines work but they do not have feelings. Indeed, I am sure this worked great in high school because this is what goes on so they do not know any different. By the time we realize all this we are 20 years into marriage and thinking of divorce because we are tired of it. I do think that if depression were not a factor things could have been different. Couples must have some degree of communication. We all need to be able to take some sort of criticism. I do know that I come from a family where we like to talk and we even argue but we never let arguments hurt us. Many times, we agree to disagree. 

I will not be the one to call things off. I tend to think that he is not at fault because he cannot see life right. It will be him who will call things off. For many years I have kept things with peace but eventually it is like I can't do it anymore. We want to admire our partner and it is hard when they do not spend time with us and they smoke and we see them deteriorate. He used to work out, eat healthy, he rarely was in the couch watching TV. never left the bedroom without a shower... I maybe wrong but this disease is taking him and smoking does not help. He can't relax for more than 2 days by the third day his temper gets the best of him. I think it i because he does not want us to see him smoking so he becomes irritable. 

I came back from visiting a friend this weekend and she is divorced. It was sad to see how her life has changed. She had a maid and a yard person and a beautiful house. She still has the house but she had to go back to work and she does not have time for anything but her kids and doing a series of small jobs. The house is in dire need of some upkeep. She has dated 4 different men. The guy I saw.... I am not sure. But her husband did not appreciate her, told her she was dumb and others. Still very sad. I texted my husband the entire trip and I definitely do not want to be like my friend. He was fine but by the time I came home he was upset. 

What I have asked him is to go back to the gym, eat healthy, take care of some other little things, spend time with us, go back to church with us. I know he does not want to do any of it. But I need to admire him for something other than his brain for his career and he man inside that I barely see. He will not succumb to my manipulation. He says: " what if I try and then realize that all stays the same". So I tell him, I doubt that will happen but if it does, then he would be in better shape and if we get divorced any woman would want him. And that is the end of our mini conversation before mean words start coming out or he walks off.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sounds like some counseling could help. Agree childhood issues are not excuse for being a jerk to your family.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

It may be too late. He did tell me we needed to separate via email a few hour ago. If he were open to counseling I would have been happy to do that. Hard road ahead. But it has not been an easy road. Maybe things are happening for the best. It is definitely out of my hands but thanks!


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Maybe it's a midlife crisis? A MLC isn't always buying a motorcycle and going to strip clubs. Many men literally question everything they've done and their station in life and it drives them to depression.

Depression is a terminal illness, it can't be cured only managed. Some personality types are more prone to it than others. If it's any consolation, if your husband is seeing a shrink but it's not helping it isn't entirely his fault. Changing and improving while in the grips of depression is extremely difficult.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

He has dealt with depression for most of our married lives if not for all. I know it is hard for him to see life as it is. But even a drug addict at some point in the midst of the nonsense needs to own up to their part and be willing to change things. He wants everything to be OK but from his skewed one side of seeing things. He thinks he has all the answers except how to get out of the depression. And I have learned to live a pretty much single life with some exceptions. I had no choice. But I have always been the one to take the insults and his bad temper and all because of the way he looks at things. Or when he is rude in front of others. I can not say that he has not been supportive. He has been there for me many times. As long as we do not disagree everything is decent. 

I do not know what will happen next. I will have to take one step at a time. I do not want to hire a lawyer and all I want is to keep my daughter while she is little. I trust that he will not go out to get me although he did want to do that at some point. But he is too smart for that. He must know deep inside and even not so deep that I am not what he tries to portray me as in his eyes. I think he just wants to justify himself. He takes pride on being a good father and husband and although at this point he is far from that he still needs to live with himself so I am the bad guy. That is what I think. Thanks


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## CouchPotato (Feb 24, 2018)

I am in the exact same boat in regards to never talking, and everything I say being a criticism. If I move something he put in the dishwasher, I am criticizing how he put it there and telling him he can't do anything right. Even talking about what we will have for dinner can become a minefield. And like you, I have become accustomed to being alone. No conversation, no doing anything together unless it is with the entre family, he disappears into the basement for hours almost daily.

Like you, depression is also a huge issue here. He acknowledges that there are problems but won't outright admit to the depression and won't do anything about it. 

I don't have any real advice. I am to the point where I have gotten so accustomed to being alone that I want to truly be alone. I'm counting the days till our youngest is out of high school and I can truly work on moving ahead. I've given him so many opportunities to go to counseling, talk, make changes, and it just isn't going to happen. I hope things go better for you.


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