# Sad and Full of Regrets



## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

I am really depressed right now because I have come to the realization that I will never have a satisfying sex life - or a sex life at all. I am almost 50 years old - and for the first time I am finally starting to look and feel my age. I have been married for almost 25 years to someone I both love and loathe and with whom I have no sex or love life. We simply do not get along, and have been close to divorce for basically 15 years. We have two boys whom I will not leave or serve as a part time parent for under any circumstances. So I feel frustrated and stuck. To add to my stress, I find myself regretting that I never had the chance to have sex or date as a younger man. I was in an all male environment in high school, and my college years were lost as well. Essentially I was and am a shy, unattractive man, which is the worst possible combination to be when you have a strong sex drive. Even now I get frustrated because I see women every day, at work, at the library, at the gym, who I find so alluring, but I know, as I have all my life, that none of the women I like will ever be available to me. Do you know how maddening and depressing that is? Even if I get divorced, which is bound to happen after the kids grow up, I am still worried that things will not improve and that I will be a sad, bitter, depressed old man. I seriously think that once the kids are gone and we divorce, I am not going to want to live anymore. What's the use? All I'm going to be thinking about is catching up for what I wasn't able to do before with women, and that's not the place I want to be.

I just don't know what to do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Then why waste any more time? 
Your divorce is long overdue, and instead of waiting for it to happen, get it over and done with so you can:
1) Get the possible upper hand in the divorce
2) Free yourself from a loveless marriage and go banging


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

There is not quite enough to explain why your current marriage is so sexless. Is it unfulfilling for either of you? Do you communicate adequately? Deeply? Why not? What are the obstacles from you two working it all out? Even if you were to divorce, what would have you believe you will find a woman who will meet your needs better? I am only asking these things because sometimes we don't have the spouse we desire because we are not desirable spouses ourselves. Other times it is clear that the couple are unequally yoked and cannot function well regardless of the effort. Where are you in this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I read this post earlier today and it is really a sad post.

There are many issues beyond the sexless nature of the marriage.

I sense the OP is a just , moral man based on his decision to stay for his kids sake despite the nature of his marriage.
However I think his issues are deeper within himself.
The marriage situation has left it's scars , no doubt. But even before the marriage , he had issues of self image and esteem.

ElCarnio ,the best suggestion I can give is to work on those problem right now. Fix yourself with some IC and whenever that divorce comes you would be well positioned and confident enough to enter the dating world again.
There are more than enough single women, success is well within your reach and based a lot on self confidence.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Then why waste any more time?
> Your divorce is long overdue, and instead of waiting for it to happen, get it over and done with so you can:
> 1) Get the possible upper hand in the divorce
> 2) Free yourself from a loveless marriage and go banging


I don't think he is ready for this just yet. Honestly from what I've seen in my divorced friends you really can't bang away the pain. ElCanario, based on your post I can only conclude that you hold a low opinion of yourself. I'd suggest that you start focusing on your positive attributes. You are making a tremendous sacrifice for your kids so that shows how unselfish you are.

Regarding your appearance. Don't be so hard on yourself. Most people don't have movie star looks and do just fine. Contrary to what you'll read on TAM. I know lots of portly average looking dudes that do just fine with the ladies. The only difference between you and them is that they have a more positive outlook. 

I can't just automatically advocate a divorce. Have you talked to your wife about how you feel, or tried counseling? Is there any chance she would change?


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

Weathered said:


> There is not quite enough to explain why your current marriage is so sexless. Is it unfulfilling for either of you? Do you communicate adequately? Deeply? Why not?


We have had conflicts regarding communication from Day 1. She is very Type A, hard driving, outspoken. She has deeply hurt me with abusive and combative words, and as a result, I harbor much rage. We simply cannot communicate any longer - I don't think we ever could.



> What are the obstacles from you two working it all out?


There is so much that has gone on between us that I don't see any resolution.


> Even if you were to divorce, what would have you believe you will find a woman who will meet your needs better?


I don't believe that. That is why I'm so depressed about things. I'm not very good at meeting or attracting women. 




> I am only asking these things because sometimes we don't have the spouse we desire because we are not desirable spouses ourselves. Other times it is clear that the couple are unequally yoked and cannot function well regardless of the effort. Where are you in this?


I don't think there is much that can be done for us.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I read this post earlier today and it is really a sad post.
> 
> There are many issues beyond the sexless nature of the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I have always had self-esteem problems, which is kind of strange because on many levels I am supremely confident and positive. I have talked people out of killing themselves and have been a compassionate, sympathetic friend to many. I just think that since with women I have never had success, it means that I must be the problem. 

But I have tried counseling for years, and it has never fundamentally changed things for me. I don't know what else I can do about this.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't think he is ready for this just yet. Honestly from what I've seen in my divorced friends you really can't bang away the pain. ElCanario, based on your post I can only conclude that you hold a low opinion of yourself. I'd suggest that you start focusing on your positive attributes. You are making a tremendous sacrifice for your kids so that shows how unselfish you are.
> 
> Regarding your appearance. Don't be so hard on yourself. Most people don't have movie star looks and do just fine. Contrary to what you'll read on TAM. I know lots of portly average looking dudes that do just fine with the ladies. The only difference between you and them is that they have a more positive outlook.


But how do you get that outlook? I swear I have tried to do that but have fallen on my face. One reason I married my wife is that I was desperate, afraid that I would never find anyone else. When it takes you to age 22 to even kiss a girl, you start to think there is a problem with your attractiveness.



> I can't just automatically advocate a divorce. Have you talked to your wife about how you feel, or tried counseling? Is there any chance she would change?


We briefly tried counseling this year after many years of her being staunchly resistant, and the counselor was basically a dud. Had no solutions at all. It was a waste of time and money. The wife is extremely independent minded and never wanted to unburden herself to a stranger.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ElCanario said:


> I don't think there is much that can be done for us.



What about *you*? What can be done for *you*? What ever the future holds, if *you* don't recognize *you* need to change, *you* will just repeat it. 

Do you see that you're post here and on the general forum, sound so self defeating and from that source your anger flows. 

Is that what you want you children to emulate?

You asked for help. 

Start here...

No More Mr Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group 

Believe it when I say she can be replaced by another, but if you carry on like this you'll end up in the same place. A woman doesn't want sex and affection from a man who doesn't respect his own worth. She wants a confident integrated male that will lead, not follow.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry about your feelings .
No expert on marriage here and tbh , just separated myself so l know just how bigger thing it is .

But hey , on any love life in the future , there's someone out there and more than one to for all of us . All types of people shapes and sizes . Never worry about that but instead just take a look around anywhere with heaps of people , just take a look it'll prove my point.
Every combination of couples and people we could dream up and then some and a damn lot of them fkn like rabbits too:lol:

And why do shy people always feel it's a curse . Doesn't matter there's someone again for anyone , everyone. Some of the best people you'll ever meet are shy and ever notice to fellas , a lot of shy guys have some very nice women , l notice !


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ElCanario said:


> But how do you get that outlook? I swear I have tried to do that but have fallen on my face. One reason I married my wife is that I was desperate, afraid that I would never find anyone else. When it takes you to age 22 to even kiss a girl, you start to think there is a problem with your attractiveness.


How do you get that outlook? You have to conquer your fear. Fear of rejection that is. Some of us lose this fear at an early age. Some men never lose it. Everyone gets rejected, no reason to stop trying. It sounds to me that you were shy in your youth and never really put yourself out there. Once you see that getting shot down isn't the end of the world you'll be a lot more confident. Over time you'll even start to identify cues that signal that someone is interested in you. 

So you were a late bloomer. Big deal. There are actually women out there that would find it appealing. You say you are afraid to be alone but from what your posts are telling me it looks like you are alone anyway. You've got nothing to lose.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't know enough details about your marriage. But I can tell you, without a doubt, that life doesn't reward the timid.

You can have whatever kind of life you want. You just have to prioritize it and take action. Figure out what in your life is most important.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You might do better with women today than you think. Older women seem better able to appreciate qualities other than physical attractiveness. I won't lie to you, it won't be as easy as it would for a handsome man. That's a fact. It doesn't put you of the game, though. 

Also, remember that there are many paths to happiness in life. Not all include women or sex. Work on being happy by pursuing these avenues. I would not remain in such a miserable marriage if your kids are in their mid-teens or older. You can be a good example for them by ending your misery and pursuing happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ElCanario said:


> We have had conflicts regarding communication from Day 1. She is very Type A, hard driving, outspoken. She has deeply hurt me with abusive and combative words, and as a result, I harbor much rage. We simply cannot communicate any longer - I don't think we ever could.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ELCANARIO
You mention abuse. Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Leave her; leave her so fast her head spins. Let her torment someone else. Consult a lawyer on gaining the best child custody arrangement possible. Plus financial etc.

Second, get yourself out of your depression. Don't care how much you've tried I C...take it up again with a different type therapist. Consult a psychiatrist on whether medication could be helpful.

Conquer these two challenges and you'll find that improving your looks, improving your confidence and attracting women are not nearly as difficult as you think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?

Is your wife fully aware of how profoundly unhappy you are in your marriage?


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are your children?
> 
> Is your wife fully aware of how profoundly unhappy you are in your marriage?



Kids are 12 and 16. She is profoundly unhappy in the marriage; I don't know if she understands how I feel, because she's to busy complaining about me and everything else on earth to care about how I feel about things.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> You might do better with women today than you think. Older women seem better able to appreciate qualities other than physical attractiveness. I won't lie to you, it won't be as easy as it would for a handsome man. That's a fact. It doesn't put you of the game, though.
> 
> *Also, remember that there are many paths to happiness in life. Not all include women or sex. Work on being happy by pursuing these avenues.* I would not remain in such a miserable marriage if your kids are in their mid-teens or older. You can be a good example for them by ending your misery and pursuing happiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I understand this, I also feel a strong need for love, sex and intimacy and I have never really had this in my life. I don't need to speculate on this - I know I have and I am missing out on something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> Kids are 12 and 16. She is profoundly unhappy in the marriage; I don't know if she understands how I feel, because she's to busy complaining about me and everything else on earth to care about how I feel about things.


My question is have you told her how unhappy you are? This is a very different question than does she understand that you are unhappy.

Do the two of you ever discuss divorce?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

ElCanario said:


> While I understand this, I also feel a strong need for love, sex and intimacy and I have never really had this in my life. I don't need to speculate on this - I know I have and I am missing out on something.


Well, you can pine for what you can't get, or you can work on getting what you can. Your choice. I would ask what you have to lose by pursuing happiness through non-sexual things.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My question is have you told her how unhappy you are? This is a very different question than does she understand that you are unhappy.
> 
> Do the two of you ever discuss divorce?


We yell at each other, she tells me she wants out, I tell her she can leave but she can't have the kids. Or she tells me to get out and I tell her to go schtupp herself.

If that can be called discussing divorce, yes, then we do discuss it.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Well, you can pine for what you can't get, or you can work on getting what you can. Your choice. * I would ask what you have to lose by pursuing happiness through non-sexual things.*


I've been doing that all my life. It doesn't work. 

You can only lift so many weights, play so much piano, watch so much comedy, coach so many kids' teams, go to so much school. If you want someone to love and have sex with, and you don't have that, you're not going to be happy.

Some people can do OK without love and sex. Some people can't.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> ELCANARIO
> You mention abuse. Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Leave her; leave her so fast her head spins. Let her torment someone else. Consult a lawyer on gaining the best child custody arrangement possible. Plus financial etc.
> 
> Second, get yourself out of your depression. Don't care how much you've tried I C...take it up again with a different type therapist. Consult a psychiatrist on whether medication could be helpful.
> ...


I totally agree. There is no need to stay with someone who is emotionally abusive, think of the example you are setting for your kids. They will learn that it is acceptable behavior in a relationship. TBH I would not want sex with someone who made me feel bad about myself, there would be no love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> We yell at each other, she tells me she wants out, I tell her she can leave but she can't have the kids. Or she tells me to get out and I tell her to go schtupp herself.
> 
> If that can be called discussing divorce, yes, then we do discuss it.


Ok so you have told her that you are unhappy by yelling it at her. She has done the same. From the sounds of it the two of you have no real communication skills. Your children are learning by watching you. They are learning that this is what a marriage is and this is how adults communicate. 

What the two of you are doing is hurting your children. Your children would be better off with the two of you divorced, and each of you happy. They would be better off seeing two happy parents.

I spent years in bad marriage. I stayed because I could not leave until he would cooperate with joint custody. My ex cheated during our entire marriage, he was verbally abusive and physically abusive. He chose that we had a sexless marriage for the last 7 years of our 14 year marriage. I get how unhappy you are and how you feel that you have no control.

You tell her that if she tries to divorce you, you will not let her have the children. The children are not pawns. The healthiest thing, if the two of you cannot work to fix things, is for the two of you to share custody 50/50. Why cannot you do this?


But you do have a lot more control over this than you think you do. Stop the yelling and the fighting. All you have to do is to refuse to yell and fight and it stops. It takes two do to this. But it only takes one of you to put and end to it. It works. Just tell her that you refuse to ever engage with her in anger. That if things start to get heated you will go off until the two of you calm down. Then when things start to get nasty, just tell her stop and go .. go to an other room, go for a walk, just get away from her.

If you do this the angry outbursts end. Now if you or she wants to talk you have to be civil to each other. It's a great place to start.

You need to get into individual counseling. You can chose to work to find a level of peace and happiness on your own. Yea you said that counseling did not work in the past. Well it will work when you start to change your frame of mind.

We have no idea if you are truly as unappealing as you think you are as we cannot see you. What do you do to make yourself more appealing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> I've been doing that all my life. It doesn't work.
> 
> You can only lift so many weights, play so much piano, watch so much comedy, coach so many kids' teams, go to so much school. If you want someone to love and have sex with, and you don't have that, you're not going to be happy.
> 
> Some people can do OK without love and sex. Some people can't.


So divorce her and then find someone else.

I now you will say that you cannot leave because of your children. This is not valid. You can have your children 50% of the time. This will give you the rest of your time to do things you enjoy, to find love, etc.

Just think your children will never again have to witness you and your wife yelling at each other and mistreating each other.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Ok so you have told her that you are unhappy by yelling it at her. She has done the same. From the sounds of it the two of you have no real communication skills. Your children are learning by watching you. They are learning that this is what a marriage is and this is how adults communicate.
> ...


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So divorce her and then find someone else.
> 
> I now you will say that you cannot leave because of your children. This is not valid. You can have your children 50% of the time. This will give you the rest of your time to do things you enjoy, to find love, etc.
> 
> Just think your children will never again have to witness you and your wife yelling at each other and mistreating each other.



I think when the kids are in college, or one in college and one in high school, I may feel better about divorcing then. But I am not ready to be without them until then. 

I really wish I knew how to find someone else, but I really don't know how to get someone interested, how to approach a woman romantically or sexually, how to go from friend to lover, etc. The rituals of love and sex are a mystery to me. I never even kissed a woman until I was 22. I never held anyone's hand until three days before I graduated from college. 

I know, you'll say, 'How did you end up married with two kids?"

She was the only woman who made it clear that she was interested, and after we had dated for a while, she wanted to know if I wanted to marry her. As she had been the only woman I had ever been involved with, I reluctantly agreed. Was I ready? No. In these days and times does anyone ever marry the first person they ever kissed? I wasn't sure if I was ready to do it, but I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> I will preface this by saying that I am not the one who starts these fights. We will go through relatively long (a few weeks here, there) stretches of peace, and then she'll find a reason to start a fight with me. She'll start out by trying to talk about something and then she'll turn it into an attack on me. I'll object, she'll yell and then I'll yell. That's the pattern.


When I was married to my son’s father, just about all our fights/arguments were started by him. I can probably count those I started on one hand. It does not matter who starts a fight. The fight cannot happen if you refuse to engage in it. I’ve been through this. I know it works to refuse to engage in a fight.
I got the idea from the book “The Dance of Anger”. 
I used the work “stop” and the hand signal of putting up my hand in a stop gesture: hand open, fingers up, palm facing him (the aggressor). Then I practiced it in front of a mirror over and over until it became an automatic response. I would imagine one of his attacks on me (they were both verbal and physical). When the recalled argument/fight would get loud, I’d put up my hand in the stop gesture and say “STOP” firmly. Repeat it once or twice and then say I was going to go away until we both calmed down. I practiced this over and over until it was an automatic response.
Then I told him that in the future I refuse to engage in any fights/arguments/etc. I explained to him that it was his responsibility to calm himself down. That I did not want to be around him until he could find a civil way to discuss things.

From that time on I used the “STOP” technique. I absolutely refused to even be around him if he was acting that way. 

Find safe place to go to. It can be another room in the house. Close the door behind you. Lock it if you need to, to keep her out. If she follows you, bangs on the door, etc. you tell her that if she does not get away from you, you will call 911 for her assaulting you. I am not kidding. Get yourself a VAR (voice activated recorder). Have it on your person at all times when she is around. This way when she starts a fight you have the entire thing recorded, including you telling her, in a very calm voice, to leave you alone. You will have a recording of her banging on the door (if she does this). This is how you protect yourself from her accusing you of abuse. 

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your wife that the way she treats you is ok because you put up with it. Now you have a hard road in teaching her that this treatment is not OK.




ElCanario said:


> While I don't disagree with this, you don't understand - she won't be happy under any circumstance. She is just not a happy person.


So what if she will not be happy. That’s not your problem or responsibility. Her happiness is her responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility.



ElCanario said:


> I am afraid that I won't be happy because I will be alone.


Let’s say that you leave her and find out that you are unhappy and alone. Well you are already unhappy and alone. Yes you live with her but you are alone in that house.

If you leave her you will have your children 50% of the time. You will have a peaceful home 100% of the time. So now you have 50% of your time to date.


ElCanario said:


> I know they are not pawns. But I also know how she thinks. Her father was not around - he left and went back to his home state before even considering marrying her mother. Her dad said he couldn't marry her mom because her mom was impossible to live with. She doesn't believe fathers are necessary because neither she nor anyone around her had one. How do I know that? She's said as much. She asks me why I won't just be satisfied being a weekend dad. I asked if she'd be satisfied being a weekend mom.


What she thinks does not matter. What matters is what the courts think. Go see an attorney and talk to the attorney about the chances of you getting 50% custody. Keep in mind that there are two kinds of custody legal and physical. You will get 50%/shared legal custody. What you need to find out about is the physical custody/timesharing.


ElCanario said:


> I know fathers are necessary because I didn't have a dad either - he died when I was a baby -and I still feel that I missed out on a lot. I will not let her screw her kids out of their father or screw me out of my kids.


Yes fathers are as necessary as mothers. Children need both. So find an attorney who agrees that you should have equal custody.



ElCanario said:


> I do that. It doesn't help. She'll wake me up at 3 AM and start a fight.


Do you sleep in the same bed as she? If so move to another room in the house. If she wakes you up a 3AM for a fight, do the STOP thing. IF you refuse to argue with her and she just stands there yelling at you at 3AM, make sure you have the VAR near you, and dial 911. Let them hear her yelling at you and keeping you awake. The police will come and remove her from the home.


ElCanario said:


> I've tried it - for years. I don't know how to find someone who can actually help me. And it's hard to be civil with someone who, I believe, is mentally unbalanced.


Are you saying that you are not civil to your wife? 



ElCanario said:


> I don't know what to do. I dress fairly well, get regular haircuts, bathe daily, wear nice cologne. When I can I work out. I am friendly, kind and compassionate. People say I am "nice" and "sweet." I try to always have a smile on my face. But there isn't much I can do about my looks in general.


Well I don’t know what to say because I cannot see you. You could always post a picture of yourself if you want feedback. But I’m not sure that is necessary. Even very homely men can attract women. Many women look beyond exterior appearances. It’s most likely your lack of self-confidence and self-effacing that keeps you away from women.


ElCanario said:


> I am also very depressed and have been that way most of my life.


IF you have been very depressed most of your life, then this is the place to start. Leaving your wife will not fix this. Finding a hot new girlfriend will not fix it.
Long term depression is a real medical problem. Have you ever seen a doctor about getting on meds? Its sounds like you would benefit from them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElCanario said:


> I think when the kids are in college, or one in college and one in high school, I may feel better about divorcing then. But I am not ready to be without them until then.


If you are not willing to even consider divorce, then you have to work hard to change things in your marriage. You might only be able to change yourself. But that alone can make things quite a bit better.
There are two books that I think you would benefit from. 

_*Divorce Busting*

*Dance of Anger*_

I find that sometimes a good self-help book does more for me than hours of counseling. The books tell you what to do. They teach you new things. Sometimes all counselors do it listen to you and all the ideas have to come from you. This approach does not work, sometimes we need new ideas.


ElCanario said:


> I really wish I knew how to find someone else, but I really don't know how to get someone interested, how to approach a woman romantically or sexually, how to go from friend to lover, etc. The rituals of love and sex are a mystery to me. I never even kissed a woman until I was 22. I never held anyone's hand until three days before I graduated from college.


So what if you never kissed anyone until you were 22. I was 21. We live in an age in which the popular culture tells us that we all need to be female/male ****s. That’s not what most people are like. 
You start by doing what you did with your wife. You become friends with women. But then you chose a woman who you have real feelings for. Then you need to get up the nerve to tell her that you care for her and want to seriously date her. If you become friends first, it’s a lot easier.


ElCanario said:


> I know, you'll say, 'How did you end up married with two kids?"
> 
> She was the only woman who made it clear that she was interested, and after we had dated for a while, she wanted to know if I wanted to marry her. As she had been the only woman I had ever been involved with, I reluctantly agreed. Was I ready? No. In these days and times does anyone ever marry the first person they ever kissed? I wasn't sure if I was ready to do it, but I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else.


Did you tell her that you loved her? Or were you truthful to her and did you tell her that you did not even like her but were marrying her because you were afraid of being alone?


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So what if you never kissed anyone until you were 22. I was 21. We live in an age in which the popular culture tells us that we all need to be female/male ****s. That’s not what most people are like.
> You start by doing what you did with your wife. You become friends with women. But then you chose a woman who you have real feelings for. Then you need to get up the nerve to tell her that you care for her and want to seriously date her. If you become friends first, it’s a lot easier.


I have had many female friends, including many I was interested in. None of them were interested in me though. My problem on that level was to get out of the so-called friendzone. 




> Did you tell her that you loved her? Or were you truthful to her and did you tell her that you did not even like her but were marrying her because you were afraid of being alone?


I think you have me wrong here. I never said I didn't love or like her when we got together. I loved her then, I love her now. I just don't like the way the relationship has gone. 

I just wasn't sure I was ready for marriage because I didn't know anything about how a relationship or marriage should go. I wasn't ready for parenthood (she had a young son) and I wasn't necessarily ready to settle down forever after a few months of dating.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Indeed, pick up the pieces of your broken past and forge a new way for you to go, knowing you did everything you could to raise your children and make amends in your difficult marriage. You need to build self esteem from within by having a positive outlook. Push away negative thoughts and trust that there is a God who cares for you, even if no one else does.
Seek professional help, and keep your chin up. ]


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

Weathered said:


> Indeed, pick up the pieces of your broken past and forge a new way for you to go, knowing you did everything you could to raise your children and make amends in your difficult marriage. You need to build self esteem from within by having a positive outlook. Push away negative thoughts and trust that there is a God who cares for you, even if no one else does.
> Seek professional help, and keep your chin up. ]


This is very much appreciated. I am trying to remake myself as a person - I don't think I have a whole lot to do, but it will still be a tough job nevertheless. Finding the right kind of professional - and spiritual - help is the key.


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## Pius (Nov 14, 2013)

ElCanario, have you ever considered putting your heart and soul into trying to restore your marriage? I know your wife is mean to you, but that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate that. Try showing her love instead. I think it might be very difficult to show hatred to someone who is continuously kind and loving.

In EleGirl's signature, there is a link called "doing plan A". This is something I think you should try. 

I'm currently in a very bad marriage myself and have been trying this approach for a while. Though things are not nearly where they should be, I have seen some improvement and I have hope that things will be better someday. 

If you are determined to stay in the marriage for the kids, which I think is admirable, then you have nothing to lose by doing everything you can to restore the marriage to intimacy.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Your post is sad OP. This is your one life, and looks to me you are wasting it with your current wife. Like others have suggested try and get into IC. 

A loveless, sexless marriage with no intimacy, and no prospect of improvement is not worth hanging onto.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

oddball said:


> Your post is sad OP. This is your one life, and looks to me you are wasting it with your current wife. Like others have suggested try and get into IC.
> 
> A loveless, sexless marriage with no intimacy, and no prospect of improvement is not worth hanging onto.


I do feel that my life has been a waste on so many levels. But I feel stuck because I don't want to be away from the kids. I also have fears about dating because I'm totally clueless.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Do you think your wife knows exactly what to say to
you to start a fight?

When she does,do you react the same each time?
Have you ever wondered why she is still married
to you?

I also suffer from depression and a messed up image
of myself,but I do not let the anger and negativity
take over.

Work hard on trying to be happier and less angry and sad.
It is possible that your moods and feelings,impact your
wife and children's behavior and moods.

You and your wife are most likely in a long term
reactionary pattern,that is most likely you both
react to each other,before thinking.

Good Luck,there is a chance she does love you.We sometime
say stupid things to those we love the most.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ok, shy guy here. I am the classic quiet reserved guy who never got the girls. Sit me at a table with 4 other guys who are talkers and 4 women and a rule that all of the women have to pick a guy, and the vast majority of time, I will be the guy going home alone. Extroverts win. The few relationships I've had were all with extroverted women who for whatever reason decided invest the time to get to know me better. Once I know you, I can be as conversational as anybody else but it doesn't come naturally to me with people I don't know ... I have to be very intentional about it. Sales and marketing would not be a fit for me, lol ... and those guys get laid like tile ... no matter how smarmy they may be.

I'm in the same place in my marriage. While my first inclination is to try to delve into fixing the problems in your marriage, it sounds like both you and your wife are done. I am surprised that if have attended counseling that you aren't on medication to battle depression. It may give you a different outlook on your ability to fix your marriage.

I am 46 years old, have two children that are the most important thing in the world to me and I am in a sexless marriage. I understand ... it is devastating. It wears you down emotionally. I have battled bouts of sadness and a bleak outlook (probably depression) as a result and it has negatively affected other areas of my life. It is unhealthy ... toxic even ... and after years of looking much younger than my age, it is taking its toll on my appearance and overall well-being. I am not who I am supposed to be.

I have decided that I am going to divorce. It is only within the last couple of months that I've made the decision final but I'm done. I'm waiting only on a couple of things to work itself out before I file. It is going to be a terrible ordeal but I'm not doing me, my wife or my children any favors by staying in this marriage. I love my wife, she is a good person ... and yet I know that we are no longer compatible. It will not be a surprise to her. After years of battling, the only surprise left may be the finality of it. There is nothing left to do or say about why it happened or who is to blame ... it just is. 

I am scared. I don't want to be alone ... but I'm already lonely. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to find romance. I already know that the first year is going to be very difficult financially so I will not likely be able to date. I work in IT and make a good living and yet I will be broke and watching every penny. What little is left over will likely be spent "dating" my daughters. I will have to get my house in order first ... literally and figuratively. It may be a year or maybe even two or three after I file before I will be at the place I need to be to date. That is going to be extremely difficult. 

After that, what do I do? Will I have the same experience dating that I did prior to marriage? Will I always be the guy who goes home alone? Will I have to settle yet again because my options are so few? Will I regret leaving a sexless marriage for a life without any kind of intimacy at all? How do I even go about doing this? How many times will I get rejected before someone says yes? Who do I even ask? Who is going to want a guy approaching 50 with two younger children who is not going to have a lot of discretionary income for awhile? Nobody I know of off the top of my head ... doesn't matter how great of a guy I might be. I have all of these questions and more and all of my memories of what it was like to be the quiet reserved guy just plays right into my fears.

What I do know is this and I hope you realize this too ... if I let my fears prevent me from taking the chance then all that is going to happen is exactly what I fear will happen. That applies to everything ... from the decision to leave my sexless marriage to asking the girl out. She might say no ... but why would I guarantee it's a no by not taking the chance?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry about your sitch JSG , no hope of bringing your marriage back ?

Anyway look , if it comes to this , we all go home alone , don't be so hard on yourself.

So what if your not with a new women every 5mins , those sorts often end up alone in the long run anyway.
Forget the wages and your sitch too , there's plenty of women out there in the same boat but if that's all someone cares about then you won't be missing much. You'll be way too good for them anyway, don't worry about it.

Anyway , if there is no alternative and you do D well , it's a day at a time , one problem at a time, baby steps .
Good luck with whatever you decide .


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ElCanario said:


> I do feel that my life has been a waste on so many levels. But I feel stuck because I don't want to be away from the kids. I also have fears about dating because I'm totally clueless.


Do you think that there's anything that you can do right now to improve your personal situation or the way you feel about yourself?

What do you want to do with your life, beside get out of your marriage?
Fear of the unknown can be crippling sometimes.
We fear what we don't understand, and then the entire spectrum of negative emotions come rushing in like flood waters.
But fear is a choice.

A better option is understand exactly what we face , and why we feel the way we feel about it.
Then we can begin to act on those feelings in a way that creates positive outcomes / change.
Everything takes time, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.


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