# Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmation?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmation?*

Hi all

Just posted a msg and it disappeared so I'll keep this brief...

I have, since my husband's EA 18 months ago, avoided reading the book "Not Just Friends" as I thought it would be too much, too triggery, and take me to a place I don't want to go again.

However I am wondering if it contains anything that might be useful by way of explaining the more lasting emotions a betrayed spouse goes through for him to read and take in.

I have posted recently about needing words of affirmation from him to do with my appearance and him finding me attractive, which for whatever reason he is reticent to give on an ongoing basis. I am gauging my feelings over the fact this may be just how it is going to be, and I am not going to get the reassurance I am asking for, and how I feel about that going forward, and in a month, or six months, or a year, or five years.

I am I suppose looking for *something* that will hammer it home to him that I really need to hear that he finds me incredibly attractive, that he has trouble keeping his hands off me, that I am gorgeous/fit/sexy/etc. Atm I feel like he cares, but I don't feel desired. On a fundamental level I do feel he cares and that he enjoys my company, and I know he thinks I am a good mother. But he really doesn't get that I want him to tell me how he feels.

It is eating away at me inside.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*



tobio said:


> Hi all
> 
> Just posted a msg and it disappeared so I'll keep this brief...
> 
> ...


Individual counseling will help more. 

He may have Madonna/wh&*re complex. A lot of men do. 

That means he can no longer see you as a sexual person, you are a sister, mother, or friend to him.

He needs to change or you will be unhappy.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

I am sorry you are here. "Friends " will give him some ideas about the devastation of the affair; but, perhaps "his needs, her needs" or "Love Languages" treatices would be more on target....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

Have you tried "5 Languages"?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

I would, instead, book a phone session with Dr Harley or one of his kids over at marriagebuilders.com (but avoid their forum - they'll eat you alive). It's a couple hundred dollars, but they really know how to wake up the cheater to what he did, and come up with real solutions to move past it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

We can't afford any kind of counselling right now unfortunately or I'd be suggesting it as we speak, he's just lost his job and money is so tight. It might be an option once we get back on our feet, however I think he'll be reluctant.

I've read HNHN and 5 Love Languages a while back now. We talked a lot about the 5LL so he gets the premise behind it.

We discussed this earlier. His opinion is that how much is enough? He says he doesn't know how much he'll have to say for me to believe he means it, and that he'll end up having to say things multiple times a day, every day, for me to be reassured.

I said I thought that if he was reassuring me on a regular basis, consistently of how he feels, then I couldn't see that I'd want more and more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

IMO, what's really missing is his DESIRE to see you happy. If he was more into making YOU happy than himself, he would WANT to do it. From the way you talk you don't seem to stand up for yourself very much. "I don't think he'll go for that." "I don't think he'd want to do that."

Well, what about YOU? YOU are the BS. He owes you. Does he see it that way?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*



turnera said:


> IMO, what's really missing is his DESIRE to see you happy. If he was more into making YOU happy than himself, he would WANT to do it. From the way you talk you don't seem to stand up for yourself very much. "I don't think he'll go for that." "I don't think he'd want to do that."
> 
> Well, what about YOU? YOU are the BS. He owes you. Does he see it that way?


You know, that's what I have always said to him. I thought he'd go to the ends of the earth to do something he knew would make me happy, something reasonable, and particularly something that literally involves one sentence leaving his lips once a day.

I do think he owes me. I feel I have done A LOT of work, on us and on me since it happened. I have had to work through a lot of emotional baggage and I honestly think he can do this to show respect for that and to support me healing. Plus he acted like a complete d!ck and it would have been completely reasonable to leave him given he was at the point of walking away and leaving me with four children - one of whom was a little baby - because he was in the fog. He did leave because I kicked him out for breaking NC - then of course he realised he had been a massive tool.

One thing he has NEVER said is that he is grateful that I gave him another chance. I have repeatedly told him this yet he doesn't take the opportunity to say it even now.

Having said all that... I actually cannot fault him over the last few days. I don't think he fully understands my pain but he has still made a huge effort with this words of affirmation issue. If he carries on like he has been doing it will go a loooong way to helping.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*



tobio said:


> His opinion is that how much is enough? He says he doesn't know how much he'll have to say for me to believe he means it, and that *he'll end up having to say things multiple times a day, every day*, for me to be reassured.
> 
> I said I thought that if he was reassuring me on a regular basis, consistently of how he feels, then I couldn't see that I'd want more and more.


What is so terrible about having to say these things multiple times a day? I don't know your story, but most cheaters say these things to their affair partner multiple times a day. Is he saying that he couldn't bear to stay in the marriage if he has to do this multiple times a day to help you get over it? 

What if you got injured and needed a bandage changed multiple times a day? Would that be too much for him, too? Because this is the same thing, only it's your psyche that is injured and needs the care.

He seems like he thinks you should be appreciative that "he chose you" rather than him be thankful you gave him another chance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*



tobio said:


> You know, that's what I have always said to him. ... I do think he owes me. ... He did leave because I kicked him out for breaking NC - then of course he realised he had been a massive tool. ... One thing he has NEVER said is that he is grateful that I gave him another chance. I have repeatedly told him this


One theme I see is that you seem to be a strong personality. Is that right? If that's true, you likely married a passive guy, or even a passive aggressive guy, who would avoid confrontation. (just guessing)

If so, I think you're looking at this wrong. You don't TELL him that he should be grateful. If you told me that, I wouldn't tell you, either. What you can do is have an "I" discussion and be frank in that you can't spend the next 40 years with a person who doesn't do anything to help you feel loved. The "I" discussion is "When you...I feel.." kind of thing. Not an accusation, but an explanation of what goes on in YOUR mind, so that he may feel like getting you to a better place.

Usually best done in front of a counselor. Men seem to listen more to professionals than wives.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

Also, start seeking that confidence within.
Dress sexier, you will feel sexier.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*



Will_Kane said:


> *What is so terrible about having to say these things multiple times a day?* I don't know your story, but most cheaters say these things to their affair partner multiple times a day. Is he saying that he couldn't bear to stay in the marriage if he has to do this multiple times a day to help you get over it?
> 
> What if you got injured and needed a bandage changed multiple times a day? Would that be too much for him, too? Because this is the same thing, only it's your psyche that is injured and needs the care.
> 
> He seems like he thinks you should be appreciative that "he chose you" rather than him be thankful you gave him another chance.


I don't know what is so terrible tbh. I used to do that as a matter of routine. Just because I could. He says it's because he's not "like that." He compared it to last week when he asked me to look for some photos I put away. He had to ask me maybe six times over the week to dig them out because I kept forgetting. He said all this is the same with this issue.

And that last bit you said? Adjust it a little to me being appreciative that he's "here" then you'd be right on the money.



turnera said:


> One theme I see is that you seem to be a strong personality. Is that right? If that's true, you likely married a passive guy, or even a passive aggressive guy, who would avoid confrontation. (just guessing)
> 
> If so, I think you're looking at this wrong. You don't TELL him that he should be grateful. If you told me that, I wouldn't tell you, either. What you can do is have an "I" discussion and be frank in that you can't spend the next 40 years with a person who doesn't do anything to help you feel loved. The "I" discussion is "When you...I feel.." kind of thing. Not an accusation, but an explanation of what goes on in YOUR mind, so that he may feel like getting you to a better place.
> 
> Usually best done in front of a counselor. Men seem to listen more to professionals than wives.


Yeah I'd say I am a strong personality. I certainly don't hold back from saying what I want and need. I'd describe him as laid back - we're polar opposites in that sense.

It's just so sad that I have to ask and ask for things so many times before he finally gets it.



Acabado said:


> Also, start seeking that confidence within.
> Dress sexier, you will feel sexier.


I've been on it for a while now. I did find out that what *I* thought was sexy was different to what he thought. But I know now. Which is good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

I'm reading a great book called Getting The Love You Want, and it describes how we seek partners that literally complete us. If you feel you are strong and less 'feely' you'll seek out a milder, more emotional person to give you that part you wish you had. And vice versa. At first, it feels great because you're both hoping the other will 'heal' what's missing in you. Then the honeymoon phase is over and you realize they AREN'T there to save you, that they will preserve themself, not you. So resentment starts in. And you start RESENTING that thing about him/her that attracted you in the first place. He resents your strength and feels no desire to make you feel better.

Have you guys filled out the Love Buster questionnaire yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Would "Not Just Friends" help my husband understand my need for words of affirmat*

There's a reason you have to ask and ask. He doesn't WANT to meet your needs. Your goal is to find out why. Have you read HNHN yet?


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