# He doesnt love me...I left...What now?



## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Hi guys,

I've posted before so wont repeat myself. Husband of 17months decided he didnt love me anymore and wanted to move out of our home when our rental agreement was up in July. He wanted me to stay living with him until then as a friend as he said he would miss the companionship. I tried....found it too hard and moved back with my parents 2 weeks ago. Contact has been limited except to sort out various bills etc. 

So today I went out househunting and put a deposit down on my own rented place for me (and my cat!). I am feeling so scared about being on my own..yet kind of excited that I can have the things that I want for me. But every day I wish he would turn around and say its a mistake and that he loves me...but he doesnt  I just wondered when this loneliness will go away....some days Im OK and some days I just want to curl up and die. I'm so lonely and I miss him so much even though he has caused me all this pain....

Is anyone else in a similar situation? I know this is a vague post...but I cant see how to pick myself up and start again...when will the pain fade? I cant imagine a life on my own, but at the same time I cant visualise ever meeting someone else


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, a lot of people can relate: their spouse has told them they want out.

You asked "what now?" Answer: start thinking practically. He has told you he wants out so start planning your life without him.

You mentioned only being married 17 months. That is actually a blessing. Consider he did you a favor. He has nipped the marriage in the bud quickly instead of waiting decades later to do it. It hurts either way, but you need to let go and move on. Easier said than done of course.

Get lawyer, protect yourself, talk to good friends, do something you haven't in awhile that you enjoy, join a gym, buy new shoes, get your nails done.

Consider this chapter over but a new one is starting


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

The pain is a necessary part of it. Allow yourself to hurt and to talk through with your friends the reasons you hurt so much. Talk about it until you are sick of talking about it. Then, you will get closer to the stage where you can say; "He's the one who ought to be grieving, not me! He had a good thing going and he blew it. I'm moving on with my life"


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I, too, dont understand how a person can fall out of love in a marriage, but i do know in the bible (sorry if i'm offending you religious wise) in 1corinthian's chapter 7 of how a marriage is supposed to be. if a man leaves a woman, let her be free for she is no longer a slave. ... continue to be single.... and; if a woman has been scorned, God will find you a man He created for you in His image.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well now, I was married for a longer time...20 months, but I know exactly what you are feeling. The hurt and pain seem to go on forever, but the don't. It has taken 8 plus weeks for me feel whole again, but at times I still get very sad ;o( JB, VLR and Ocenabreeze has offered some excellent advice. Get busy living. It will take your mind off of him and the change in your life for a little bit of time. Everything is in stages, Denial, hurt, pain, healing, resolution, anger and then freedom (I hope) I am praying for you and I hope you will pray for me ;o) @ Oceanbreeze, definitely not offended, but I so needed to read and meditate on these things. Thanks!


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Hi, almost in the same situation, married for almost 3 years and we have been traveling most of the time so very few shared properties. 

He left me and it was so devastating. We may not be married that long but we have so much experience together (because of moving to different places and attempting so many things), it seems like there are so many memories. 

He is saying it's OVER and NEVER coming back, but I know it could only be because he also lost so much of himself when he was in love with me. That's why I don't want to let go, because deep down I can still feel his love.


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I know its what I need to do, and everyone is telling me. I have a great support network around me (friends and family) but I dont WANT to move on. I want my husband back. I have sorted out my flat and move in 4 weeks. I'm starting to feel a little stronger and I've stopped being sick and I dont cry every day. But every day I hope that he will change his mind. I married him for life, and I thought he did too. I know 17months isnt a huge amount of time, but I devoted my mind, body and soul to this man. 

We havent fought at all, its as amicable as a breakup can be. As I mentioned before, I have limited contact with him, and have stopped telling him how much I hurt, because it is pointless. I cant stop missing him.

Part of me is excited that I get to live on my own and pick things I like, such as furniture. But I am such a social person, the thought of spending my evenings and weekends without my soulmate breaks my heart everytime I think about it. I just want him to come home to me


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> Hi, almost in the same situation, married for almost 3 years and we have been traveling most of the time so very few shared properties.
> 
> He left me and it was so devastating. We may not be married that long but we have so much experience together (because of moving to different places and attempting so many things), it seems like there are so many memories.
> 
> He is saying it's OVER and NEVER coming back, but I know it could only be because he also lost so much of himself when he was in love with me. That's why I don't want to let go, because deep down I can still feel his love.


 :iagree: PS. yourbabygirl....your post sounds like its come out of my mouth. I just want to stop feeling like this, but I cant let go f that tiny bit of hope. My life feels so pointless and I just dont want to carry on without him by my side. He made me happy and confident, like I could do anything.......I just want that feeling back.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

DandC, I'm sorry you're going through this. I felt the same way when soon to be ex moved out. I felt so damn alone! That part gets better very quickly. I bet it'll be even better since you get to start fresh. I had to come home and find all this stuff gone from the house. It was horrible! I mean he didn't just sneak out, we planned the day but still it sucked.

edit: I just realized DandC isn't the best of forum names when you think of your lady parts. I'll spell that out next time!


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Oh Staircase, thats terrible  I'm going up to see him at our old flat next week to collect some more stuff. I'm terrified as I dont know how I will react. I want to stay calm and cool, but I also want to cuddle into his arms. Its so strange that the person who is hurting me the most, can also still make me feel better, even if it is only for a few seconds.

Reading all the posts on this amazing site, everyone knows they have to back away from the partner who wants to leave. I just cant overcome this fear that I will be completely forgotten. Any tips?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I know exactly what you mean. I want my soon to be ex to comfort me and make me feel better...from the things my soon to be ex has done. *sigh*

I hope slams his hand in the car door or something today.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> I know exactly what you mean. I want my soon to be ex to comfort me and make me feel better...from the things my soon to be ex has done. *sigh*
> 
> I hope slams his hand in the car door or something today.


stair....:lol:

Isn't it strange how we are on such an emotional roller coaster? You just went from touchy feely to ice queen in less than 4 sentences. LOL!!!!! Kind of wraps up my hourly emotions. I think insanity lurks in the shadows for me. :scratchhead:

Devastated, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in agreement with the folks on here, learn how to move on without him. There is someone better for you out there; someone who will value you more. I know it is very hard when you love someone so much to just let it go; I feel your pain. It sounds like you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Like Jellybeans said, it is better now than decades down the road - take that to heart; my W waited 3 decades to drop the D on me! Hang in there; in our cases, time is the only healer; and you will heal.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

The lonliness is very hard to deal with. I try to seperate lonliness from being alone. I realize, especially thru this message board, that I am not alone. I hate that i am going thru divorce and feeling like a statistic but I realize it is reality and others out there, good people just like me, are in the same situation and it sucks for all of us. I dont know when and if, i will start to feel like a whole person again. I told my therapist that i dont want to be two years down the road and still feeling like i am not "over" my situation. I feel very resentful of my wife and the fact that she is the one that had an emotional affsir and thus decided she wanted the divorce. I want to call her and text her and say mean things, but my therapist has convinced me that it will be more confusing to her if i just try to keep things civil and even-keeled. I have bought into that and it is a real struggle to restrain myself. I use this board to get it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Staircase - not sure if it should have, but your comment just made my day  I swing from such strong emotions, you have to laugh at all the crazy thoughts you can have during such an emotional time!

Thank you all for what you are saying, this site is brilliant, as although I've got my friends and family around me, no one is in the same situation, or has been in anything similar.

I am young (only 25!) and we were only together for 4 yrs, but it was so so so intense. People said we rushed into things, but I knew the second we met that we were soul mates. Sometimes I wish I never married him, other times I cherish what we had because it truly was amazing...but then I get sad all over again because I miss it!

I am trying so hard to work on myself, and find positives in the situation Im in. Is it OK to keep the little bit of hope? I dont feel ready to give up just yet  xxx


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Staircase reactions to hoping he slams the car door on his hand is nothing new. It's a normal reaction and a process that people go through.

First there's the hopelessness, sadness, crying ... clinging etc. And then there's the denial period that this can't possibly be happening to me! Third, the anger period where you wish bad things for the person who left you with all these emotions.

The bad news is those who keep clinging on, badgering etc. are only prolonging the inevitable. They are SO sure that if they can only make the other person LISTEN and UNDERSTAND them, they can FIX everything! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

There comes a time when one MUST realize that there's only ONE solution and that's to separate in some form.

Only then can you make the other person truly miss you and what they had. Trying to make someone come to their senses when all they want is out is NEVER going to make things better.

They can feel sorry for you and prolong the issue but the problem still exists and will continue to exist and possibly even make the situation worse to the point of no return.

The good news is EVERYBODY eventually gets over the heartbreak and hopelessness, and how long it lasts is really up to each individual.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

"There comes a time when one MUST realize that there's only ONE solution and that's to separate in some form."

Now I am accepting that this is the ONLY solution left. Give him his stupid Freedumb and maybe just maybe he will find out that the grass is on the other side is not really greener but dead. As for me, I have two choices, to stay waiting for him or to move on.


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Im not clinging and chasing him. He instigates all contact unless I need to speak to him about a financial issue or something.

He always asks me how am I and says he hopes I'm doing better. I dont know what Im supposed to say - am I honest? I dont think I can lie and pretend Im fine when Im not. So far I've just not answered the question.

Im seeing him for the 1st time in 6 weeks on sunday - sort of at my request. Im going to our old flat so we can sort out some housey things that I would like to take to my new place. Im absolutely terrified because I dont know how either of us will react. I want to see him so much because I miss him, but I know its going to hurt so badly because he wont say what I desperately want him too. Anyone got any words of wisdom they can share with me?

I had to go to my sisters wedding last weekend without him, which was so hard, but I got through it and came out smiling on the other side. The photos were put up on facebook, and he sent me an email telling me I had lost loads of weight and looked really well and that the pictures were fantastic. I was glad he notice and took the time to look at them, but I worry Im reading into nothing?!

I hope you are all well and feeling better than I am today xxx


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