# Limbo sucks



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

See thread title for details.

Nite all...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

the dance?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No - the dance is OK. Sleeping in the same bed as the woman I'm divorcing - not OK.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

For example - I had an "old" friend recently post something on my FB page about getting together sometime. "She" - oddly enough - happens to live right around the corner from me - and has two kids that are about the same age as mine.

I would love to see her and get together with her. But - I also don't want to send the wrong message to my kids - have them look back in ten years and think "Was Dad going on dates before the divorce was final?"

I'm also still wearing my ring. After all, I'm still married. Or at least that's how I see it.

Feels like I'm sitting around - waiting for life to begin again. But really, life keeps going and I'm getting somewhat left behind.

My wife closes on "her" house tomorrow. Again - feeling conflicted. On one hand, I'm glad she's found a small, affordable place - in our school district - not far from our home - where the kids should feel safe and comfortable. But since we still live together, I'm getting to hear a lot of info that most divorcing spouses wouldn't care to hear or might not even want to know. Its just a process that doesn't need my involvement. After all - everything else she's done for the last two years has been none of my business - yet I'm supposed to be interested in - or even "invested" emotionally in her purchase?

Her birthday is coming up later this month. How is THAT supposed to work? Do I order a cake - and do the "normal" stuff? If I do, it would mostly be for the kids' sake.

And - honestly - its hard to break nearly 17 years of habits. "We" celebrate birthdays a certain way - and have for a long time now. Feels like the right thing to do if I don't overthink it. But then when my B-day comes in March - I'm not expecting anything from her as things should be final and settled by then.

So far the divorce is proceeding rather well. I don't want to rock the boat too much. I'll be "free" in January. My wife and I are getting along better than we have in a few years. The kids seem to be taking this like real champs.

But this "fake" life - turning down invites from old (female) friends - wearing a ring that I guess no longer means anything - I'm not sure I can do this for a another 3 months...

Anyway - thanks for listening. Advice appreciated...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Maaann..
I sure know how you feel there.
I hope one day I will be able to look back on this all and see why its taking so long to get out there on my own.
Why I have to suffer watching my exwife (still backspacing and adding the "ex" to that word) move on and date, and come home with sweaty t-shirt on.
I need some kind of hope, and its been hard to see.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with going out and visiting with old friends. How far you go with that is up to you, of course. I vowed not to date until after I was divorced, but that changed. I went out with men as friends and found that it helped me find ME again. I wasn't looking to get into a serious relationship at all, for a long time, even after divorced. But my divorce is taking forever, my stbx LIVES with the OW, and I'm moving on! So my view changed. My kids know and understand and see what is happening. In your case, though, the path isn't so clear. The kids don't see anything different. You are operating as if married. You need to sever those ties, detach, become two separate entities, and stop sleeping in the same bed. Her bday is for the kids only. Let them pick out a card and some kind of treat and a small gift. No big hoopla. 

Limbo ends when you decide to no longer be married. Not when the court gets a chance to get to your paperwork. But in the end, it's all about what you are comfortable with. A lot of the ideals I had in the beginning have eroded as time went on. My husband moved out 7 months ago. He has lived with the homewrecker for 2 months. When the kids look back and remember the divorce process, I don't think they will be thinking about me dating during the process. They will see their mother, who went through an intense amount of pain, which they witnessed, finally moving on and deciding to be happy. Yes, I'm in a pretty serious relationship and have been for 2 months. But this man lives 300 miles away, and they only see him once a month. I'm their mother and they are first and foremost in my life. They welcomed this man into our little family unit and look forward to skyping with him each night. I don't see this as a detriment. As long as my kids are happy and adjusted, then I'm happy. 

You have to move forward at one point. FFS, your wife is! But you have to decide when you are comfortable doing this. Good luck!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I agree with LnL completely. Only you decide when you are ready to go out and do other things with other people. Just because you go out with someone or connect doesnt mean that you have to do anything you are not comfortable with. Simply reconnecting with a friendly face will do wonders for you (even if its purely platonic) and you owe it to yourself and your kids to give them a healthy, happy YOU. If you are not comfortable doing things with someone and your kids, do it on nights/days you dont have them.

I would never introduce my kids to anyone who may cause them conflict or concerns unless I am really serious about building a long term relationship with them as something other than friends. If the new person has an issue with that, goodbye because my kids are the most important things in my life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks - to all.

LnL - my wife is still in good standing with the kids. If she was GONE and living with someone else, I would worry just a bit less about my kids getting the wrong idea about what may or may not have happened to the marriage. They have a clue - and that's all they really need. Plus - I feel like I need to be an even better parent to make up for my wife's lack of interest.

I do go out sometimes - just to get out of the house - but I usually wait until the kids are in bed. Its not been real fulfilling. While I do enjoy going to a bar - alone - and watching the baseball playoffs, or playing video poker - its not something that makes me really feel better about myself.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Thanks - to all.
> 
> LnL - my wife is still in good standing with the kids. If she was GONE and living with someone else, I would worry just a bit less about my kids getting the wrong idea about what may or may not have happened to the marriage. They have a clue - and that's all they really need. Plus - I feel like I need to be an even better parent to make up for my wife's lack of interest.
> 
> I do go out sometimes - just to get out of the house - but I usually wait until the kids are in bed. Its not been real fulfilling. While I do enjoy going to a bar - alone - and watching the baseball playoffs, or playing video poker - its not something that makes me really feel better about myself.


Yeah, of course, comparatively, I would've definitely preferred that we both set a better example for the kids. So, my situation is different from yours. You are being mature and allowing her to control her relationship with the kids aside from the crappy wife she's been. The kids always come first, but there's a point where you need to worry about your emotional state as well.

Going out hasn't been fulfilling probably because you are craving that missing element - human interaction. Do you have old friends you've lost touch with? A same sex friend will do wonders, as would anyone at this point. Try meetup.com and do a single parent group or a get together for a hobby or interest you have. I felt better about myself once I realized I had something to offer the world, and I realized that because I had been tossed aside and my marriage failed, it didn't mean I was less of a person. Interacting with others, being yourself, and having them appreciate you for YOU, that's when you find yourself.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

LonelyNLost said:


> Yeah, of course, comparatively, I would've definitely preferred that we both set a better example for the kids. So, my situation is different from yours. You are being mature and allowing her to control her relationship with the kids aside from the crappy wife she's been. The kids always come first, but there's a point where you need to worry about your emotional state as well.
> 
> Going out hasn't been fulfilling probably because you are craving that missing element - human interaction. Do you have old friends you've lost touch with? A same sex friend will do wonders, as would anyone at this point. Try meetup.com and do a single parent group or a get together for a hobby or interest you have. I felt better about myself once I realized I had something to offer the world, and I realized that because I had been tossed aside and my marriage failed, it didn't mean I was less of a person. Interacting with others, being yourself, and having them appreciate you for YOU, that's when you find yourself.


btw LnL - didn't mean to be judgemental in comparing. Hope it didn't come across that way. Nothing you could have really done to "make" your H set a better example for the kids.

I'm in a fowl mood today - no fault of anyone here! Not real sure how I'm coming across...

Kids do always come first - unless the plane is going down, right? When the plane goes down, you grab your oxygen first - that way you're aware enough to make sure they get theirs on properly. Not sure that I'm quite at that point yet - but agree I've done a poor job of making myself a priority. And yes - my wife is still basically in control of much of the situation - often by simply being absent.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well I hope it gets better for you NG. This stuff sucks I could not imagine having to live with my ex going through the divorce dont think I could have handled that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah I feel like I still have one foot in limboland - emotionally I think I've detached pretty good, and it has been good that she has moved, but the fact that I'm still waiting on the legal process is definitely helping hold me back from feeling like its my own life... or maybe its just because life is tough and through our child I'm still forced to deal with the x. For instance her living accomodations for our child was adequate though not ideal but now she has already moved again to the other side of town with another single mom and there are not enough bedrooms for everyone so the other mom's 3 year old daughter will have to continue to co-sleep with her mom or else share a room with my 4 year old son... it could work in the short term but how long before this arrangement becomes unsuitable/inappropriate? Just doesn't seem well though out, and I hope my stbxw has no plan to enroll him in a school near this new place...


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Agreed, I'm sleeping in the bed. She's on the couch. If you feel like the ring is a lie don't wear it. Going out is essential for your sanity. Do it. If it is with the lady you know so be it. You and the kids are all that matter. Ask them what they want to do for their mom, then take care of it. Don't sweat any of the other crap and don't get "invested" in anything she is doing. 

To paraphase Yoda "Being invested is the path to the dark side..."


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> btw LnL - didn't mean to be judgemental in comparing. Hope it didn't come across that way. Nothing you could have really done to "make" your H set a better example for the kids.
> 
> I'm in a fowl mood today - no fault of anyone here! Not real sure how I'm coming across...
> 
> Kids do always come first - unless the plane is going down, right? When the plane goes down, you grab your oxygen first - that way you're aware enough to make sure they get theirs on properly. Not sure that I'm quite at that point yet - but agree I've done a poor job of making myself a priority. And yes - my wife is still basically in control of much of the situation - often by simply being absent.


Nope, not at all! Just meant every situation is unique and you do the best with what you're handed. 

You've got this, you'll be fine. You just have to kick yourself into gear sometimes. I'm sure once she's moved out and you're able to deal with what is happening and have the reality hit you, you'll hit the point where you move forward. Because the only other option is to be left behind, right?! I kept my ring on after he moved out and after he had stopped talking to me. It took a nasty text message exchange where I saw what a complete and total a$$ he was for me to take them off for good and realize there was no going back. But if you've both decided to divorce and there's no possibility of reconciling, then do those things that prep you for that eventual parting of ways. Or it might hit you like a ton of bricks!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey NG just saw your post. I can relate very well with how you feel. Remember last year in the summer when I was still in CT. He would go out while I would be at home with a child under 2 and no friends or family nearby. It will get better but do try to find some new friends. Meetup is a great place to start.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Took my girl and her BFF to a BIG street festival we have here every fall. Crazy place to be.

At one point - after running into a few of the "other mom's" from school - I got pi$$ed off and started texting my wife about how lousy she is!!! Not my most mature moment - but, oh well...

But then I settled down a bit and realized that I'm clearly in the running for Dad of the Year. The fact that I know so many moms speaks to how involved I am with my kids. And instead of being angry with my wife, I think I'll focus on being proud of myself.

Her lack of involvement really does bother me. She claims its somehow tied to how unhappy she is in our marriage. She may be right.

But I think when this is over - my biggest problem will have a new address. And her problems will follow her wherever she goes...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> But I think when this is over - my biggest problem will have a new address. And her problems will follow her wherever she goes...


I LIKE that! :smthumbup:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wonderful wasted day of fighting. Good times, good times...


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

What happened NG? 
It's pretty crappy here too for me. This weekend is Thanksgiving. My parents are in Europe, my sister works all weekend and son and I are all alone. No one to call to at least wish us Happy Thanksgiving(except one friend) let alone someone to invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> What happened NG?
> It's pretty crappy here too for me. This weekend is Thanksgiving. My parents are in Europe, my sister works all weekend and son and I are all alone. No one to call to at least wish us Happy Thanksgiving(except one friend) let alone someone to invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Nothing new here. Same old stuff.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wife just e-mailed that she has wired the down payment (from "our" account) for "her" house to the bank. She will officially close tomorrow.

One of those things that had to be done - and moves us closer to the end. But it still kind of stings...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So close - yet so far away.

My wife's plan - our plan - was for her to file shortly after purchasing "her" home. Made sense to me at the time.

But - in the meantime - her 95 year old grandmother is in the hospital with pneumonia. As a result, my wife is putting everything on hold.

Its hard to get too upset over things - when I know her GM may not be with us very much longer. I love my wife's family - dearly. I'm much closer to them than I am my own.

BUT - I also really want this mess to be over with.

So many conflicted feelings right now.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I know this dance ...

Ditch the ring. It represents something that no longer exists. End of story. Not wearing sends a clear message to yourself ... and to her.

Go on the date. Stop worrying about what someone MAY think, be it your children or otherwise. And you shouldn't think of going out with a female for a cup of coffee to talk about where your life is, or where you want it to go, meaning that you are looking for your wife's replacement.

She's already way ahead of you on the dating front ...

I remember distinctly that despite my ex agreeing to divorce, that whenever I would bring up that we needed to move things along or discuss details, she would get bent out of shape. There was always 'something' that made it a bad time to talk about. Do not accept that.
My father just passed away. For me, this event made it clear that it was high time to finish ALL of our unfinished business.
Life isn't convenient. It's all very sad about her 95 year old grandmother ... but sounds to me more like she will use those circumstances to avoid dealing with your circumstances. 
I'm giving you a heads-up ... don't continue to give your stbx the choice of complicating, minimizing, or avoiding what needs to be done.

If your wife pulls the same tactic that mine did, I would encourage you to move forward with any details that need to be addressed ... without her. 

In a nutshell, do not let the woman who has made it clear that she does not want a life with you, to continue to hold your life hostage.

Lastly ... get out of the same bed. At this point it's a wash as to who sleeps elsewhere.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> So close - yet so far away.
> 
> My wife's plan - our plan - was for her to file shortly after purchasing "her" home. Made sense to me at the time.
> 
> ...



I'm so sorry - I feel like such a lousy friend too....
I got back to you....

((((BIG HUG))))


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I know this dance ...
> 
> Ditch the ring. It represents something that no longer exists. End of story. Not wearing sends a clear message to yourself ... and to her.
> 
> ...


Well - she went to see her attorney and has filed "something." We have a "cause number" - and she has scheduled her parenting lessons. So - its moving - but slowly.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> I'm so sorry - I feel like such a lousy friend too....
> I got back to you....
> 
> ((((BIG HUG))))


Thanks! No worries - been wondering about you!!!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Don't worry the limbo will be over soon! I think after everything you have done(and you have done a lot) you will find some peace.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> Don't worry the limbo will be over soon! I think after everything you have done(and you have done a lot) you will find some peace.


Hope so...thank you....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hey - notice from the post office - I have a certified letter waiting for me - a few days after my wife signed some papers with her attorney.

Could be progress...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Maybe she has willingly agreed to everything you discussed, and the warrant doesn't contain any surprises, or anything whatsoever that is greedy or self-serving?

Then again, maybe not?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Maybe she has willingly agreed to everything you discussed, and the warrant doesn't contain any surprises, or anything whatsoever that is greedy or self-serving?
> 
> Then again, maybe not?


Only one way to find out! On Monday...

Helped her move a few things to her new place today. She now has a couch she can sleep on.

Again - more progress. And even with all the crap from the last two years, its still kind of "bittersweet" - at least I think that's the right word...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A lot of mixed emotions without a doubt.

Do you feel certain, and accept that 'this is the way it needs to be' based upon the choices she has made, and the choices you want to make? 

Or were you still willing to hang in there for a different outcome? I ask that from the perspective of having hung on, but had put divorce on the table for nearly as long as you tried to work it out as well. I wanted to give her time to do what she needed to do, to be a partner that I knew I could, and would want to work with.

That simply never happened.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> A lot of mixed emotions without a doubt.
> 
> Do you feel certain, and accept that 'this is the way it needs to be' based upon the choices she has made, and the choices you want to make?
> 
> ...


I'm certain that I am done. I've had some of those "bittersweet" moments - but they come and go fairly quickly.

I've wondered what I would say if she asked to call the whole thing off. It would be hard - but I truly can't picture any type of scnenario where things could ever be good again - except for maybe at a distance. I could see us being friends again one day.

I feel I'm dragging my feet a bit - just out of a general depressed feeling. Also - wish someone would tell the world to slow down for a few moments. With work, the upcoming holidays, her grandmother's health problems - etc., etc - just a lot going on.

We moved the new couch over to her place this weekend. Our "old" couch was in the garage. Funny - but - I kind of like the old couch - and so do my kids!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just picked up what appear to be fairly plain/normal "dissolution of marriage" papers from the local courthouse.

Guess I'm supposed sign them and then...???

Train kept'a rollin all night long
Train kept'a rollin all night long
Train kept'a rollin all night long


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

I just picked up the forms as well for a dissolution of marriage. While this is the last thing I want, I refuse to sit by and let him continue his EA with complete disregard for the vows he said.

I feel empowered however that I am standing up for myself and taking charge of the situation. Hang in there, I knows its hard. We are all living proof of that. But while its only been four weeks for me, I can already see a slight difference in my attitude and outlook.

Good luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No, no, you sign them after your attorney has read them to make sure they are as plain and harmless as you perceive.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> No, no, you sign them after your attorney has read them to make sure they are as plain and harmless as you perceive.


I don't have an attorney - yet. At first glance, I saw nothing suspicious or unusual. But I will have to take another - much closer look - when I have more time.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Deejo said:


> No, no, you sign them after your attorney has read them to make sure they are as plain and harmless as you perceive.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

The devil is always in the details.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

As for now - little or no details.

Before signing anything final - will have it reviewed.

Right now, I've come up with "the numbers" and suggestions on how to word things. Plus, her attorney's name is "Lacey." Or - that might just be her stage name.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> Plus, her attorney's name is "Lacey." Or - that might just be her stage name.


Find out if she's single, or at least where she dances ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife paid the retainer in "one's"!


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Wait, did I just read that your wife used funds from a joint account as a down payment for a house that she is buying? Her house is marital property regardless if you buy it together or if she buys it separately. At the very least she owes you for half of what she used as the down payment. Closing on real estate during a divorce is not smart for her to do.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> Wait, did I just read that your wife used funds from a joint account as a down payment for a house that she is buying? Her house is marital property regardless if you buy it together or if she buys it separately. At the very least she owes you for half of what she used as the down payment. Closing on real estate during a divorce is not smart for her to do.


Gotcha. Its part of the "pot" at this point. Basically - we both have a house now - and a lot less cash to split.

In a normal divorce, she probably would have had to wait until we finalized the settlement - and then used cash or retirement funds.

She would have gotten most of the cash anyway, as I intend to keep our house.

To me - its just timing. But hey - please let me know if I'm missing something big!


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I think I just answered a post of yours about home equity on another thread. How much was her down payment? How much equity in the origonal house? Are you planning on muddying the waters with her new house? She may just throw up her hands and give you the equity to get you to sign a quit claim deed on her house (which you rightfully own half of).

Reminds me of a story told to me by one of my professors years ago. He was the state pecan expert and was out consulting with a guy who owned some land with a big house and large pecan orchard - he said it was a beautiful place.

The land owner was in a divorce and the stbxw wanted the farm. Tt was evidently a pretty ugly divorce. My professor told the guy that the spacing of his trees was too close because they were crowding each other and that he he needed to take out every other one. The owner was in the process of removing every other tree with dozers and was pushing them up in a burn pile when the separated stbxw showed up in her Mercedes and her new BF. She thought the husband was knocking all the trees down out of spite so she told him if he plans to bulldoze everything down that he can just keep the damn farm.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> I think I just answered a post of yours about home equity on another thread. How much was her down payment? How much equity in the origonal house? Are you planning on muddying the waters with her new house? She may just throw up her hands and give you the equity to get you to sign a quit claim deed on her house (which you rightfully own half of).
> 
> Reminds me of a story told to me by one of my professors years ago. He was the state pecan expert and was out consulting with a guy who owned some land with a big house and large pecan orchard - he said it was a beautiful place.
> 
> The land owner was in a divorce and the stbxw wanted the farm. Tt was evidently a pretty ugly divorce. My professor told the guy that the spacing of his trees was too close because they were crowding each other and that he he needed to take out every other one. The owner was in the process of removing every other tree with dozers and was pushing them up in a burn pile when the separated stbxw showed up in her Mercedes and her new BF. She thought the husband was knocking all the trees down out of spite so she told him if he plans to bulldoze everything down that he can just keep the damn farm.


Doesn't seem muddy to me. Her down payment IS her equity. I know how much she paid because the funds came right out of our account - after I agreed to transfer what she needed out of MY account. Her equity is comparable to the equity in our house - very comparable.

So - right now - two houses - equity almost equal - moving right along - the train keeps rollin!

I responded on the other post you're thinking of. But I'm the guy who said his guitars will go in the living room where the scrapbooking stuff is now!

Anyway - thanks for taking the time to read. I still "think" I'm OK here - but please let me know if you think I'm missing something!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wife was "moping" and "lurking" last night at "our" house. Most nights it seems she takes off (if she's awake) as soon as I get home. Either to "her" house - or to visit/sit with her Grandmother (95 - been in hospital for 2 weeks).

I was playing around on Facebook - and here on TAM a bit. She said something to me about "are you having a nice chat?" Just funny that she suddenly acts like she cares that I might be chatting with someone.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Answer: "Yes. And I'm sure it'll be an even better date."

Don't entertain that crap.

I got that smart ass thing from the ex at one point. "You've been with 3 women, I've only been with one other person."

She was trying to guilt me ... God knows why.

I responded, " Oh ... those are just the 3 you know about."


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wifed called me at work - out of the blue - and asked - again - if she could move the bed. Now she wants to move it this weekend.

I've told her before its no problem. I've agreed that she can have the bed - and have told her that I can and will figure out my own sleeping arrangements.

So why is it bothering me?

She also has it stuck in her head that I've been chatting on the computher with my old friend from high school who lives around the corner. Now - I have "chatted" - but only a few times over the last 2-3 months. STBXW keeps making snide little comments that I "should" be able to ignore. But - its bothering me.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. My moods come and go at a moment's notice.

Just needed to rant and vent a bit.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I KNOW you have sarcasm in you. You wield it quite deftly here, why can't you do it to the stbx?

Trust me, you will come to really enjoy it. And ... it will change how she interacts with you, which you will also enjoy and it isn't even manipulation.

Can't you be even a little mean? I just see the kind of behavior she is pulling as not giving a particular sh!t what your boundaries are.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Answer: "Yes. And I'm sure it'll be an even better date."
> 
> Don't entertain that crap.
> 
> ...


BUT I NO LONGER CARE! Yet I still take the freakin' bait!

Plus - I "think" - I hold myself to a higher standard...???

I mean - honestly - I DO care about being a good person. I'm not having some serious relatinship with a woman around the corner.

Then she starts asking me if there are people on Facebook that she might "need" to unfriend - ??? Telling me that our friends will eventually decide either her or me...??? THAT'S FINE! IF some people want to unfriend me out of loyalty to you - I'm probably not losing anyone I care about. ALSO - if some people want to be friends with BOTH OF US - I'm certainly not planning to make them choose!

I HAVE POSTED NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HER ON FACEBOOK.

Last night I laughed at several little comments on Facebook. She asked me if I was telling my friend about her - told her she didn't want me laughing at her. ???

BAT****!

BAT$HIT CRAZY!

AND I REFUSE TO LET HER TAKE ME DOWN WITH HER! DAMNIT! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Her poking you, and you simply taking it doesn't make you a better person. It just makes you a frustrated one.

I talk about dynamics all the time ... do not just sit there and pretend to ignore her 'snide little comments'.

Ask her when she's leaving.

Tell her you're laughing over some nude photos of her that you shared.

Tell her you've already talked to all of the friends and they never liked her anyway.

Use your humor, just darken it up a bit. Unless, you don't think you can keep a lid on it. In other words if she really IS getting under your skin ... then you need to set a clear boundary about that as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Block her from facebook. Do it first. You don't need the drama. Step away from facebook. Seriously, it will drive you bonkers.

Secondly  I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not right and it's just dragging out. 

If I was there, and was a guy, I'd buy you a beer. lolll Don't want people to talk.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Gotcha...

The great thing about being moody is I don't stay pissed off for too long.

I'm also pissed off because she's right about some things.

I'm wasting too much time on Facebook - and TAM - and the computer in general. My motivation is in the toilet. The "friend" she's concerned about is the one I've avoided because I've figured out this isn't the sweet little girl I knew in High School anymore.

Plus - work is just a ***** right now.

I've been looking at beds online - but hadn't really found what I wanted yet.

Take my wife - please...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Block her from facebook. Do it first. You don't need the drama. Step away from facebook. Seriously, it will drive you bonkers.
> 
> Secondly  I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not right and it's just dragging out.
> 
> If I was there, and was a guy, I'd buy you a beer. lolll Don't want people to talk.


She's already unfriended me - which was truly a good thing. And thanks for the virtual beer!

We've been having such a "nice" divorce - I'd hate to have it ruined by her being paranoid about stuff that isn't true! Its just a weird little "issue" that isn't even an issue - which should mean I could just explain - but THAT leads to a converation that goes nowhere.

A lot of nights before I log off of FB - if I've been on too long - I'll post something from Goodnight Moon. "Goodnight clocks, goodnight socks." And I just chuckle - because the same guy - that I barely knew in high school - clicks "Like" EVERY SINGLE TIME I quote that book! So - I'm chuckling - she's thinking I'm talking bad about HER - and its just too damn much to explain and WAAY TO FUUCCCKKKIIINNNGGG late in the process for her to even be asking!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Her poking you, and you simply taking it doesn't make you a better person. It just makes you a frustrated one.
> 
> I talk about dynamics all the time ... do not just sit there and pretend to ignore her 'snide little comments'.
> 
> ...


Look her dead in the eye and say "I have more female admirers than just the women you know about on Facebook" and walk the hell out of the room.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Unfriending is one thing. Just block her. They you can't see each other.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And trust me, I'm not saying stay in negative mode. But you need to do what you need to do, to get through this with your sanity.

I say that as I'm about to cook dinner for kids and ex, who are coming over to the apartment. Even when it's over, it ain't OVER.

Not for us. Kind of get that sense about your situation as well. But it is healthy and respectful ... now.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Unfriending is one thing. Just block her. They you can't see each other.


But I don't care!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oooh mah bad. I thought she was causing drama on FB. Which is stupid.

So why do you guys talk at all?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Look her dead in the eye and say "I have more female admirers than just the women you know about on Facebook" and walk the hell out of the room.


:smthumbup:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Oooh mah bad. I thought she was causing drama on FB. Which is stupid.
> 
> So why do you guys talk at all?


we still live together...barely...

but there is light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> And trust me, I'm not saying stay in negative mode. But you need to do what you need to do, to get through this with your sanity.
> 
> I say that as I'm about to cook dinner for kids and ex, who are coming over to the apartment. Even when it's over, it ain't OVER.
> 
> Not for us. Kind of get that sense about your situation as well. But it is healthy and respectful ... now.


You guys are a little odd. Dinners, vacations, etc. If it works for you guys, then cool. I can't say I see NG going on vacay with his ex to Sturgis.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You wouldn't think it odd if you saw it in action.

My weekend for the kids. We coordinate getting them to events. Sometimes having dinner is just what makes sense. Halloween got put off as a result of the freak storm up here. Had been without power for better part of 5 days.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

She's been quiet and mopey lately. And in a "mean" kind of way - I was enjoying it a bit. She finally seemed to possibly be feeling some pain. BOUT DAMN TIME!

Then - she gets motivated and is suddenly ready to take "our" bed - and I'm a bit behind. Yes - I'm competing - measuring - playing a game - but its all in my head - and mostly me against myself.

Then she thinks I'm on Facebook badmouthing her and laughing about it - and I'm really not.

She's doing better in a lot of ways lately - getting her house ready to live in - and that's actually a really good thing. The sooner that place is set up - the sooner she's gone.

But then I feel like I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point. I think I'm just tired after chasing her for 2 years.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You guys are a little odd. Dinners, vacations, etc. If it works for you guys, then cool. I can't say I see NG going on vacay with his ex to Sturgis.


No - not Sturgis! But I do hope for the kids sake we can be around each other - on Holidays and special occaisions - without making everything feel miserable.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You wouldn't think it odd if you saw it in action.
> 
> My weekend for the kids. We coordinate getting them to events. Sometimes having dinner is just what makes sense. Halloween got put off as a result of the freak storm up here. Had been without power for better part of 5 days.


I have no doubt it works for you guys and certainly is beneficial for the kids. My "odd" comment was that it IS an unusual relationship that you and your ex have. I do see NG having something similar although not quite to that extent.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I have no doubt it works for you guys and certainly is beneficial for the kids. My "odd" comment was that it IS an unusual relationship that you and your ex have. I do see NG having something similar although not quite to that extent.


I kind of hope so - and kind of hope not.

I can't see having a bat$hit crazy ex-wife hanging around as a good thing for my dating prospects!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Bed is gone. And I feel fine...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You wouldn't think it odd if you saw it in action.
> 
> My weekend for the kids. We coordinate getting them to events. Sometimes having dinner is just what makes sense. Halloween got put off as a result of the freak storm up here. Had been without power for better part of 5 days.


When kids are involved, it's never over, even when it's over.

My ex and I did birthday parties together, holidays together, and family nights together. We were mature enough that way to hold it together for a few hours to give our child positive memories.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Bed is gone. And I feel fine...


Glad to hear it.

I didn't know you two still lived together. That must be rough.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Glad to hear it.
> 
> I didn't know you two still lived together. That must be rough.


Comes and goes...

Now that she has the bed at "her" place - she should be "gone" - yet - she's kind of not - at the moment...

But mostly, its been a very "nice" divorce!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Nearing the end of Limbo.

Wife is coming by today with a few friends to pick up the last big pieces of furniture. Still a lot of small things - that she can sort through hopefully while she's at our house with the kids in between them getting off the bus and me getting home from work during the week.

Even though I have no desire to be around her right now - I still have this lousy, empty, feeling in my gut.

Hoping though that after today, I can start to make a few changes around the house - start to make it "mine." And hoping that lousy feeling starts to fade...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good idea about making the house "yours". Change it up. Maybe paint! Paint is cheap...and does wonders for making things "new".


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Good idea about making the house "yours". Change it up. Maybe paint! Paint is cheap...and does wonders for making things "new".


Exactly. Was thinking about something darker - like a hunter green. Of course, I have no fashion sense - and nothing would match it - but isn't that supposed to be the "fun" part of being a bachelor?!?!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

One of those nights when its hard not to call or text her "goodnight."

Even with all the $hit - after 20 odd years - old habits die hard...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trouble sleeping - not sure why. Just another night in Limboland...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Stress.

I would strongly suggest that you start framing some thoughts in the context of being with other women - regardless of whether or not you choose to date right now.

And trust me ... you need to date. What you will discover about yourself, other women, and relationships overall will give you a whole new perspective on your marriage.

Stop thinking of yourself in terms of a swan ... one love, one commitment. I used to do the same, and it CAN'T take you anywhere good.

Saw my ex this morning to drop of b-day presents for DD6. We have a pretty good working relationship. It is easy for me to remember where we started and how we felt. But ... now? I can't imagine having anything resembling the life that I know that I want to have, and the woman that she has become wanting to be an active, positive, contributing part of that.

You need to reconcile that piece for yourself as well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Stress.
> 
> I would strongly suggest that you start framing some thoughts in the context of being with other women - regardless of whether or not you choose to date right now.
> 
> ...


Food for thought. Thx...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sometimes, this feels more like a "blog" than a forum post! Guess that's ok.

Wife came over yesterday to sort through some items in the kitchen. She seems to be feeling very down. Said she cried most of Thanksgiving day - before and after we were both at her parent's house.

I tried to listen - was polite and nice - but must stay that it was just SO tempting to say something about "getting what you wanted" or "you made your bed, now lie in it", etc., etc

I honestly don't think she's going to be happy until she figures HERSELF out. And if she does ever look back and realize that she totally turned herself against her best friend of almost 20 years - just for a few cheap thrills - an apology would be nice but it won't really change anything.

Bat$hit crazy...


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Wife came over yesterday to sort through some items in the kitchen. She seems to be feeling very down. Said she cried most of Thanksgiving day - before and after we were both at her parent's house.


Aw, shucks. Singin' her self-induced holiday blues. "La dee da de da." 

Sleeping in the same bed together as the ship goes down? If that happened to me, SHE would be on the couch at best.

Let her tears roll, man. Bunch a nonsense.

Adding: Let her go to her new home, where her furniture can be her shoulder to cry on.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

mr.rightaway said:


> Aw, shucks. Singin' her self-induced holiday blues. "La dee da de da."
> 
> Sleeping in the same bed together as the ship goes down? If that happened to me, SHE would be on the couch at best.
> 
> ...


We're done with the same bed business. And most of her time is spent at her new place.

But yeah - hard to have much pity when its been "self-induced" - as you say.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

​


nice777guy said:


> But yeah - hard to have much pity when its been "self-induced" - as you say.


Wherever she goes, there she is. Outside of any issues that deal directly with you or the kids, her problems are now her own. Her choice. It's really hard to come to that when she's been a part of your life for so long.



nice777guy said:


> I was playing around on Facebook - and here on TAM a bit. She said something to me about "are you having a nice chat?" Just funny that she suddenly acts like she cares that I might be chatting with someone.


Just wait until you get a new girlfriend. You will notice interesting changes in her behavior.



Deejo said:


> I would strongly suggest that you start framing some thoughts in the context of being with other women - regardless of whether or not you choose to date right now.


Agree with Deejo. It's definitely quite an adjustment after 20 odd years, but it is what it is. You're keeping things fairly cordial. That's good. But try not to get oneitus with her. Look at your marriage as a big tree. Although she'll still be a part of your life because of the children, the roots of the marriage are dead and the tree can no longer grow. But there are/were acorns at the top of that tree. Some fell off, were planted, and those grew into your children. Some grew into other special times you had in your marriage. But those other acorns? They are wanting to shake loose and root up somewhere down the line with another woman, or in other ways. Not really sure when you will decide the right time for that is after your divorce is final (some guys enjoy their newly-found singledom), but don't wait too long and pass up good opportunities.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

mr.rightaway said:


> ​Just wait until you get a new girlfriend. You will notice interesting changes in her behavior.


Oh yeah ... there is that little bit to contend with.

You will be getting A LOT more attention from your ex, whether it is positive or negative attention remains to be seen.

But you should plan on that ... and plan to ignore it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Oh yeah ... there is that little bit to contend with.
> 
> You will be getting A LOT more attention from your ex, whether it is positive or negative attention remains to be seen.
> 
> But you should plan on that ... and plan to ignore it.


To me, that truly just sound like a bunch of drama. I'm so very tired of drama. Much ado about nothing and such. Arguing just to argue.

But - after 20 years - she knows what buttons to push when she wants to push them. When she "thought" I had "gone out" with an old female friend from high school - which I hadn't - she was very aggressive about asking questions. Questions that I should have just ignored. But then part of me wanted to prove that I'd not been dating yet - so I argued. 

In general - the less said - the better...almost no matter what the topic.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> In general - the less said - the better...almost no matter what the topic.


'The man with no name' would agree.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> 'The man with no name' would agree.


:smthumbup:


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Limbo does suck!!!! I want a life again, but will have to wait.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't wait ... start planning.

Make a roadmap. Journal what you want it to look like.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Don't wait ... start planning.
> 
> Make a roadmap. Journal what you want it to look like.


I hear what you are saying, but I find it puzzling at this time. I want to do it, but feel like until I know for sure whether our marriage is over and the divorce is final or she will wake from the fog, I can't plan for a new car, home, look for someone to share a life together.... 

Help me out please.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> I hear what you are saying, but I find it puzzling at this time. I want to do it, but feel like until I know for sure whether our marriage is over and the divorce is final or she will wake from the fog, I can't plan for a new car, home, look for someone to share a life together....
> 
> Help me out please.


No - but you can think about a new workout routine, buying some new clothes, going out with friends you haven't seen in awhile, taking a weekend road trip...

If you are really holding on to hope - then your limbo is a bit different from mine. I'm just waiting on paperwork...you're dealing with that and more.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> No - but you can think about a new workout routine, buying some new clothes, going out with friends you haven't seen in awhile, taking a weekend road trip...
> 
> If you are really holding on to hope - then your limbo is a bit different from mine. I'm just waiting on paperwork...you're dealing with that and more.


Already doing the workout, well shopping this time of year not so appealing, although I do see an interest in a new look, have been out with friends, etc...

But, what I think Deejo is talking about is more a plan for the future. That is where I get stuck at this time.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> Already doing the workout, well shopping this time of year not so appealing, although I do see an interest in a new look, have been out with friends, etc...
> 
> But, what I think Deejo is talking about is more a plan for the future. That is where I get stuck at this time.


But - unlike me - you still have some hope for your marriage - correct?

Is your hope realistic???

Maybe you should take some time to think about what a "good" life could look like without your wife...???

Journal - write - dream - watch movies - listen to music - spend some time outdoors. And just think about going on dates, redecorating your house - whatever grabs your imagination. And - for a change - keep your wife out of the picture...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> But - unlike me - you still have some hope for your marriage - correct?
> 
> Is your hope realistic???
> 
> ...


The hope was about 50% before she walked away. Now I look at her and am having trouble imagining ever living together again so it is getting easier to imagine it without her, but still stuck in limboland. 

I do have some thoughts on things I will take on around the house. Ideally for me I always enjoyed a trip south come late winter, but would not be interested in doing this solo. My problem is who could I get to go along? I have thought through my closest friends and family and do not see it working for any of them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> The hope was about 50% before she walked away. Now I look at her and am having trouble imagining ever living together again so it is getting easier to imagine it without her, but still stuck in limboland.
> 
> I do have some thoughts on things I will take on around the house. Ideally for me I always enjoyed a trip south come late winter, but would not be interested in doing this solo. My problem is who could I get to go along? I have thought through my closest friends and family and do not see it working for any of them.


Well - instead - think about who you might be able to meet along the way! Or when you're there! You'll be free to stop at all the shady looking strip clubs along the way - OR - to camp out under the starts - OR - to dine at the nicest places to eat...

A road trip where every stop was solely up to me sounds pretty freakin' awesome! I would have no issue sitting alone by the beach at night - just watching the waves. Maybe someone else comes along - maybe not.

If she's truly walked away - you need to start thinking about letting go...


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