# TAM better or worse



## CraigW (Jul 7, 2012)

I found this site googling a generic question and became fascinated by the topics. For those that didn't find this site because of infidelity or major problems in your marriage, has it made you super paranoid or have you benefited. 

I thought my wife and I were cool but after reading all those bogus traveling carnival ferris wheel infidelity stories along with some real life happenstance posts it makes me think about everything.

This site would make you feel like a fool to blindly trust anyone. Its sad really. I've learned a lot here. I've learned things that I was doing wrong or could make myself better. But it also put unrealistic projections onto my wife. To the point where I actually checked her phone. I did it because we work far apart. This is a woman who has my name tattoed on her. 

So inasmuch as I've learned a lot, I feel I'm worse off. In fact, I'm disgusted.

Anyone else project stuff from TAM into their relationship?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

CraigW said:


> Anyone else project stuff from TAM into their relationship?


No, not from TAM. But I've been on another relationship board where you could get easily paranoid from the stories. Actually I had an incident where one day I nearly accused my husband of cheating. It was after reading some woman's long story. I realized I was projecting. I only visit that site from time to time.

I have a good relationship with my H and I trust him. Vice versa. We've gone through a lot together. I treat TAM like a buffet. Take what you want and leave the rest. Don't read certain forums or threads. And if you know certain posters are always going to say the same things, use the Ignore Feature.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

No. If anything, the opposite. I recognize how fortunate I am and how far I've come in life. I used to find myself in similar situations, and my training, experiences, and another site similar to this one helped me figure out how to have the happy connection I'd always searched for.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I had not heard of EAs & the damage they can do prior to coming on here. I joined for a completely different matter & outed my H having text/emails EAs a month or so later.
TAM helped to know what I was dealing with, best ways to handle it & what to expect in the recovery period. I was also able to inform my H that what he was doing was just as bad as a PA in my mind & have reliable information to back it up.
As he followed the cheater's script very well, I had responses to his remarks.
It seems I came seeking knowing there was a problem, but not knowing what. Now I just hang around because I am addicted..


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Huh.... ya know... about the whole infidelity thing... don't guys hate the lifetime channel because of that? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This forum has allowed me to vent/express myself/solve issues without getting folks from RL involved. There are many here who can share experiences and offer advice and overall, my marriage has improved dramatically.

Still some issues sure, but that is expected, and if anything we have learnt to deal with them instead of tearing each other apart.


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## CraigW (Jul 7, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. 

Before I found this site, I didn't even know about EA's . 
Reading in CWI the gut wrenching stories of good men and women who 
have been blindsided is an eye opener. I have learned a lot and will definately 
be more equipped to respond to issues and needs in the proper fashion. 

But after looking at her phone, I don't feel like a better person. I will take the advice given above
and only apply when needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I had never checked my wife's phone before reading these stories on TAM.

So after I checked it once,
And found nothing 

I am grateful that I am not in that category.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Better.

I wasn't informed about EA's & realized I was in one a long time ago. Had I continued it, I would have ruined my family. I recognize now, that the OM was using me by how fast he moved on to his next victim.

It has also helped me with realizing I was a walk-away-wife in my first marriage & how I could have possibly stayed with changes made by both of us.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I found TAM while looking for ways to spice up our sex life. No problems in my marriage just trying to keep things fresh. I have learned quite a bit about myself and my motivations that had never occured to me before. I have benefited from being here and made positive changes to myself in so doing. 

I do have to say it does make me very sad though when I read those stories. There was a time long long ago that I could have been one of those statistics but all the stars and planets lined up just right for me and everything got fixed just in time.

I count myself very lucky and wish I could bestow that luck on some of the others here.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I came here not to vent or because of a specific problem, but because I wanted to join a forum to talk about marriage in general, it's ups and downs, suggestions, criticisms, advice. I joined an art forum to discuss and share my art and see other people's, so this isn't much different. I even briefly joined a frog forum when I first got my fire bellies 

It certainly hasn't hindered my marriage (though when my husband first saw I was on here, he thought I was using it to vent about problems like a lot of people do). If anything it's given me good topics to discuss with my husband, like our boundaries, sexual preferences, and definitely finances.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I came here because my husband (live in boyfriend at the time) had lied about a past relationship. When I expressed my discomfort with that initial lie and the friendship he was trying to uphold with this woman, he made me feel like I was jealous/crazy. I googled my question, and found TAM. I learned about the potential harm of opposite sex friendships, and a host of other betrayals in relationships besides infidelity. Since then, I was able to relay my feelings to my husband who now understands better.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

CraigW said:


> I found this site googling a generic question and became fascinated by the topics. For those that didn't find this site because of infidelity or major problems in your marriage, has it made you super paranoid or have you benefited.
> 
> I thought my wife and I were cool but after reading all those bogus traveling carnival ferris wheel infidelity stories along with some real life happenstance posts it makes me think about everything.
> 
> ...


This is a brilliant thread topic!

Yes! I didn't find TAM either because I was having marital problems. It took me awhile to figure out that most people were not here, like me, to "talk about marriage", but instead basically talk about the PROBLEMS of marriage. I've hung around because I like a lot of the people here, love discussing marriage (the good/bad/and ugly), relationships, and sex.

But yeah, my very happy marriage is almost nothing like the typical TAM marriage. There are so many basic rules that a lot of people here implement in their marriage that it has opened up discussions/debates with my wife that we weren't having before. Just a couple of weeks ago my wife runs to my sister and says "That board is going to destroy our marriage!". :rofl:

On more than one occasion I found myself wondering if our marriage, and my wife, are really too good to be true, as people on TAM have flat out told me that what I have _doesn't even exist_. Somebody just flat out told me yesterday to basically stop beaming about my wife, and our marriage, because I'm upsetting the more pained posters who are roaming about. 

But honestly the good outweighs the bad. What I do now is just accept that you're going to run into a lot of people on this board who are unhappy with their marriage, and that you can, and should, learn from their experiences. I am ever grateful for Mrs. J, but TAM really, really has reminded me to hold her a little closer, and be even more grateful, and humbled, that we have an amazing relationship, and that I am married to the best woman in the freaking world.

My advice is take a break, when you need to. On more than one occasion I've left the board for an extended break because my disgust meter was filling up. This board, awesome as it can be, does tempt you toward picking at non-existent wounds. It does have it's drawbacks.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

CraigW said:


> This site would make you feel like a fool to blindly trust anyone.* This is a woman who has my name tattoed on her.
> *


My H has my name tattooed on his arm,, but he still cheated on me... so no, you can't blindly trust ANYONE. Sorry.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> My H has my name tattooed on his arm,, but he still cheated on me... so no, you can't blindly trust ANYONE. Sorry.


Exhibit A.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Exhibit A.



I'm not saying that all spouses cheat,, I am just saying no matter how well you feel you know your spouse.... "some" can still do the unexpected.... 

Most of us fully trusted our spouses too.. Are we trying to make everyone on this site "paranoid"? No

Have we unwillingly had to learn the "red flags"? Yes

Did we feel good about doing that first check of their phone? No--- who would? 

It seems that you are saying that us "betrayed" are attacking people on here like we want them to join a cult or something.... Did we want to be here? No


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

CraigW said:


> I found this site googling a generic question and became fascinated by the topics. For those that didn't find this site because of infidelity or major problems in your marriage, has it made you super paranoid or have you benefited.
> 
> I thought my wife and I were cool but after reading all those bogus traveling carnival ferris wheel infidelity stories along with some real life happenstance posts it makes me think about everything.
> 
> ...


Mate, are you sure the only reason you checked her phone was due to TAM? But if you found nothing that's great. You're so much more fortunate than plenty of guys around.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I'm not saying that all spouses cheat,, I am just saying no matter how well you feel you know your spouse.... "some" can still do the unexpected....


Absolutely. Some people can, indeed, do the unexpected.



Numb in Ohio said:


> Most of us fully trusted our spouses too.. Are we trying to make everyone on this site "paranoid"? No
> 
> Have we unwillingly had to learn the "red flags"? Yes
> 
> ...


No. What I believe is that it is an inherent right to "blindly trust" your spouse. There is no point in even going into marriage if you're not crossing the threshold with full trust in who you're marrying. If you are burned, that's horrible, but not one person on this board should advise somebody to mistrust, or second guess, their spouse unless they come here already with suspicions, inklings, or even gut feelings that something is off kilter.

The irony of your statement is that the OP didn't give any reason whatsoever to suggest his wife is cheating. There were no red flags. He specifically mentioned TAM as the culprit that made him second guess his wife; the only "red flag" was the one TAM threw down. Yet on page 1, for no discernible reason, he's told "you can't blindly trust ANYONE. Sorry." This wasn't even a light reminder that "some" people cheat, as you said above, you flat out told the OP that he can't trust "ANYONE", and apologized as if you dropped some undeniable fact of life on him that he'd better accept.

So yes, exhibit A. You've only proven exactly what the OP was highlighting from his very first post.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I came here looking for advice on how to save my marriage after my wife found out about my on and off EA. I received a lot of good advice and verbal wake-up calls about my situation and am forever thankful for that. However, having spent a lot of time on TAM, I'm saddened by some of the other stories I've found here that sound a thousand times worse than mine and my wife's. 

As for projecting, being here has opened my eyes to really listen to what people are saying and doing in regards to their relationships. I think that in one instance, the little projecting I did may have made the difference in keeping a female friend from possibly destroying her marriage over an old flame who had resurfaced in her life. I relayed my story and some of what I'd learned about EAs from here and told her to stop being in contact with the OW right NOW and leave it be. Of course, I don't know everything that's going on in her marriage, but from what I do know, she was heading down the same slippery slope. that I had been on. So, projecting from being on TAM in this case was a good thing.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I came here and figured out pretty fast my marriage issue was that my good man did some stupid things.

I couldn't relate to so many of the posts about unhappy cold sexless marriages that are all over these boards. I am blown away daily by the cruelness of 'spouses' to each other.

So in a way TAM helped save my marriage... because I saw that it really was worth saving. I return here because were still working on rebuilding the trust that was shattered by the lies and we're still trying to improve our communication skillls... and because I like the folks here. 

I learn something every time I come here. I love to see the world through the mens eyes, many of the blokes here are wonderfully articulate and thoughtful. In fact it was a couple of the mens replies to me that allowed me to see my H's actions through new eyes... 

You simply need to learn how to sort though what resonates with you and what doesn't!
Don't dwell on the upsetting posts but do consider if the feelings the post provokes aren't because it's hitting a raw nerve... I'm always interested if i react strongly to a post... I like to think about the whys of that reaction.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tm84 said:


> I think that in one instance, the little projecting I did may have made the difference in keeping a female friend from possibly destroying her marriage over an old flame who had resurfaced in her life.


But, of course, with the caveat that the average TAMer would have warned you that married men should not have female friends, and that she shouldn't have even been in your life to be in the position for you to give her advice.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Yet, if he came here for a generic question ( which he never posted a question).... if it didn't include any mistrust,, why would he read the "Coping with "INFIDELITY" forums?

If it's just for entertainment,, then "WE" can't help that it put doubt in his wife. 

He just read through other posters problems and came to his own assumptions to doubt his wife? And you're saying that because while we are here talking about our "real life" cheating spouses, we are to feel bad that we made a faithful
marriage be doubted? Sorry, I won't. 

A lot of marriages here are dealing with infidelity after 5,10,15,20+ years of marriage, which were assumed to be "faithful" marriages also... so is it in our minds the doubt/lack of 100% trust from now on? Yes... 

But by his post, he said he was "disgusted" of the stories,, is that fair?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

*This is a post he put on someone else's thread... *


CraigW
Registered User


Default Re: Big deal or not or maybe....
That is definitely cause for concern. People of faith is of absolutely no relevance. I'm not saying something is going on. Your wife could be just a sweet caring individual but the fact that NONE of these conversations on the phone happens in front of you is a red flag. Especially when they are both in front of you, they interact differently.* I expect the best out of everyone but trust no one.*


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TAM has been helpful to me. Any ways it has caused harm, is due to my own tendency to obsess, and TAM just makes it that much easier for me to obsess. That's when I need to take a break.

"Project" issues from TAM into my marriage? Not in a negative way. But certain things are in the back of my mind and make me much more aware and conscious, which is usually a good thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just take it as it comes. I don't project because my life is my life and these stories aren't my life. I have learned a ton on how to react and behave towards my husband. It's been great.

But...I don't read certain post titles that I know will trigger me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Trigger-- it brings up all the crap from before. depending on the trigger, I can start a panic attack, get anxious, get suspicious, etc.

Basically, it just does no good for me to read certain threads because I don't need the drama in my own life.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ha... I try to steer clear of the CWI section as often as possible. I hate when others try to refer me to cwi when they try to make a point. I have been cheated on countless times and am trying to work on actually trusting my current spouse. The last thing I need is more reason to distrust my spouse and essentially freak out on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yet, if he came here for a generic question ( which he never posted a question).... if it didn't include any mistrust,, why would he read the "Coping with "INFIDELITY" forums?
> 
> If it's just for entertainment,, then "WE" can't help that it put doubt in his wife.


Where did the OP mention anything about the "Coping with Infidelity" section? I'm not saying he doesn't goes there, but I know I've only been to that section less than a handful of times, but I still see plenty of infidelity stories here on GRD and the Sex section.




Numb in Ohio said:


> He just read through other posters problems and came to his own assumptions to doubt his wife? And you're saying that because while we are here talking about our "real life" cheating spouses, we are to feel bad that we made a faithful
> marriage be doubted? Sorry, I won't.


I'm confused. Where did I ask you, or anyone, to "feel bad" about talking about your real life cheating spouses? :scratchhead:



Numb in Ohio said:


> A lot of marriages here are dealing with infidelity after 5,10,15,20+ years of marriage, which were assumed to be "faithful" marriages also... so is it in our minds the doubt/lack of 100% trust from now on? Yes...


But that's not HIS experience. Nowhere in the OP did he say he had reason to doubt his wife. The only reason given was that TA M helped foster a sense of paranoia in him. If others don't fully trust their spouses for real reasons, that's understandable. However this man doesn't fit that criteria, so your post advising him to basically not fully trust his wife was totally out of place. You didn't warn the man based off any actual red flags. What even was the point in telling someone, in a thread about TAM spawned paranoia, that they shouldn't' trust their spouse, even though he's given no reason to say she isn't worthy of that trust? 



Numb in Ohio said:


> But by his post, he said he was "disgusted" of the stories,, is that fair?


He didn't say he was disgusted over your stories. He said he was disgusted at his own behavior, and not trusting his wife, because of the stuff he's read on TAM that he let get under his skin.

And I can relate to that because my wife and I recently got into a serious discussion, that got needlessly uncomfortable, all because I decided to pick at some nonexistent wounds based off a topic here at TAM. Is that TAM's fault? Of course not. But I was still disgusted with MYSELF for even getting into a stupid, somewhat hurtful discussion, all because I made the mistake of letting too much of the suspicion creep in.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Jacquen:

I'm not going to pick through your post. 

No one here makes anyone read the posts... as most do, we sort through threads that relate to issues that interest us or pertain to us. 
We decide to post questions or concerns for advice on our individual issues. We each have to decide what advice or opinions to accept or ignore. 

It is a public forum, which you can go to many other forums and get similar stories and experiences, but to be disgusted at himself for doubting his wife after reading about issues that someone here is going through, is on him....not our experiences.

I was not telling _him_ to not trust his wife, it was meant as a general term that no one should completely trust anyone 100%.

If people come to this forum to just read stories from other peoples experiences or for entertainment, who is to blame if they start "mistrusting" their spouse? 

If people don't share experiences dealing with a certain subject, they won't be able to totally understand other people's trauma and steps to control/deal with these issues.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> If people come to this forum to just read stories from other peoples experiences or for entertainment, who is to blame if they start "mistrusting" their spouse?


_Themselves._

I don't think I, or the OP, is suggesting otherwise. I get your point in the above post totally, and I fully agree.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

CraigW said:


> Anyone else project stuff from TAM into their relationship?


Yes. Don't just TAM (T can be think too), but live it. That being said I'm way over thinking it at the moment, thanks TAM (must start new thread on….).



jaquen said:


> Yes! I didn't find TAM either because I was having marital problems


I'm not going to quote your entire post but so well put, thank you. 



Numb in Ohio said:


> My H has my name tattooed on his arm,, but he still cheated on me... so no, you can't blindly trust ANYONE. Sorry.


I do have her initials (with hearts) inked on my arm. I always said I'd never marry the first woman I slept with, but I did. We, early on, thought that I may be pre-disposed to having and a PA. After 20 years I think I'm no longer pre-disposed, but TAM has taught me my odds are no better or worse than everyone else's. We are "En Garde". (Make sense?)


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

jaquen said:


> _Themselves._
> 
> I don't think I, or the OP, is suggesting otherwise. I get your point in the above post totally, and I fully agree.


I didn't want you to think I was arguing with you.. I understood your point too.. just didn't like the way he worded his post...


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

jaquen said:


> But, of course, with the caveat that the average TAMer would have warned you that married men should not have female friends, and that she shouldn't have even been in your life to be in the position for you to give her advice.


Of course, they would, and I have given similar advice here, based on how vulnerable the situation was that a poster found themselves in. However, a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that has appropriate boundaries recognized and set by both parties will not be an issue. That was/is the case with the story I related. She opened up about this person and recognizing some of the things I told myself during my EA, I warned her to step back and take a good look at where she was and what *could* happen. That was that. I haven't seen, nor talked with her in almost two months, so I don't know what's going on now and wouldn't bring it up. 

Since the end of my EA and having worked on myself and my marriage, the strength of my boundaries are tighter than a drum. My wife knows everyone that I'm friendly with or even just acquainted with who is of the opposite sex. If she hasn't met them in person, then I have made sure to make her aware of them and why/how I know them.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Tam helped so much. 

I saw past things I did. I didn't know what an EA was either, and I had a few back when we started living together. I didn't think it was cheating, so I told him to get over it. 

He never did. It affected us real quietly. When I first started reading, I would see things that we used to do, or how things used to be like. 

We always had good communication, but I was shocked to see all the things we didn't even think to talk about. 

We have much better communication now. And we can get through fights better. Husband saw how silent treatments affected other people, and we had a looong talk about it. 

Triggers are very important to understand. When you have been together 2 decades, and have resentments, even if you break through them, the lingering affects of learned behavior and habits can still come through. 

Breaking a 20 year habit is hard, and it can't be done over night. 

But we both take what we need, and leave the rest. And I didn't think he was cheating or anything, but sometimes I wonder if it "makes" him think I am.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tm84 said:


> Of course, they would, and I have given similar advice here, based on how vulnerable the situation was that a poster found themselves in. However, a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that has appropriate boundaries recognized and set by both parties will not be an issue. That was/is the case with the story I related. She opened up about this person and recognizing some of the things I told myself during my EA, I warned her to step back and take a good look at where she was and what *could* happen. That was that. I haven't seen, nor talked with her in almost two months, so I don't know what's going on now and wouldn't bring it up.
> 
> Since the end of my EA and having worked on myself and my marriage, the strength of my boundaries are tighter than a drum. My wife knows everyone that I'm friendly with or even just acquainted with who is of the opposite sex. If she hasn't met them in person, then I have made sure to make her aware of them and why/how I know them.


Oh I really didn't mean to give the impression that I was challenging your friendship with this woman, or asking you to justify it. My comment had a touch of sarcasm in that both my wife and I have opposite sex friends, always have, and we don't subscribe to the usual TAM advice about them.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

There's been little things I've recognized at times within myself, that may not be good form for our marriage. I see these things from having read TAM. I'm reminded of things that I'd let slip, for myself, that actually helps our relationship too. While we needed to get on the same page again as _we_, and this sounds like it contradicts because this is about _me_, but I feel more secure within myself through this recent journey and the changes made, and from that it seems to have inadvertently helped _us_ *head explodes*

We were at make or break last year when I joined. While we weren't sexless and there was still affection and love, our sex life was strained and I reached the point of frustration. Our dynamic was breaking down. It's hard to summarize but I'll say that we went through all sorts of emotions, while still being in love with each other. We considered separating but couldn't quite part, never made it to sleeping in the spare room; we spent nearly every evening hashing through stuff, usually crying, then consoling one another at the same time. It was heartbreaking but necessary, regardless of whether we stayed together or not. Without a planned outcome, we ended up breaking through some barriers together and slowly started noticing differences in behavior within each other. That positively affected our dynamic. I learned a lot from TAM. We took a hard look at ourselves and that wasn't easy. 

It's not all wrapped up in a neat bow, life isn't like that, but we're even closer for going through that. And yes, the sex life has been bouncing back even stronger, because the other stuff had to be dealt with first. 

Through TAM I observe that we all have our stories and none of them are flawless. There wouldn't be much chance for growth if they were.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I think TAM has made me much more aware of all of the working pieces of my marriage and has given me tools to fix pieces that need attention. I give my wife a lot of independence and have no reason not to trust her, but I'm a lot more vigilant of what's going on now. I used to let her do her thing because I wanted to be a "cool" husband, but now I'm less concerned about being cool than I am about having a strong marriage. Sometimes that means I'm less cool than I used to be. The reason for that is I've seen so many stories on TAM where a husband or wife is missing the red flags right in front of their faces. I don't want to miss those so I'm paying attention a little more.

Also, I have learned that I need to be very careful with my friendships with women. I do have women friends and have backed away from those friendships quite a bit due to some of the stories and advice I've read here about EAs and PAs starting innocently. I don't want to put myself in that position.

Overall, TAM has helped me a lot. I'm a better husband and I'm more aware of what it takes to give my wife what she needs. I've learned not to be such a pushover and when I show a little more backbone, my wife responds positively. That was a nice surprise.

On the flip side, I have found myself projecting. I often think if I post a new thread about my wife's behavior on a certain day that I didn't like, a dozen people would say "red flag! She's cheating! Buy a VAR, check her phone, check her computer!" I don't think those types of responses are always helpful and they definitely make you more paranoid. Sometimes us TAMers shouldn't jump to the worst possible conclusion. We really should ask more questions and get more details before those types of accusations and comments. 

All in all though, my participation here has been a very positive experience.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Oh I really didn't mean to give the impression that I was challenging your friendship with this woman, or asking you to justify it. My comment had a touch of sarcasm in that both my wife and I have opposite sex friends, always have, and we don't subscribe to the usual TAM advice about them.


Ah, ok, initially, I read something of a nod and wink in there, but you can never tell with what people write online, so I hedged my bets in my response.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

TAM has helped my marriage to a degree. It made me realize I wasn't investing in my wife enough. She was NOT cheating and had not desire to cheat (yes, I completely believe her) but after reading so many stories about affairs and their aftermath I felt I wanted to affair-proof my marriage. Even though we weren't really at risk.

The posts on TAM have also given my wife and I a lot of challenging and thought provoking topics to discuss. We've learned a lot about each other through these discussions.

Edited to change the complete meaning of a sentence above. My wife has never cheated on me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you have hope that your marriage will last, you have to trust your spouse. At least, until their actions prove they aren't worthy of trust.
Of course sometimes it may take twenty years or so to find out the trust was unwarranted.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

CraigW said:


> This site would make you feel like a fool to blindly trust anyone.


You would be a fool to blindly trust anyone. 

That's not from this site, it's just a fact.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well I trust my wife implicitly.
I cannot live in a relationship where I don't trust a woman.
That's why I married her.
We both have opposite sex friends.
Some might say that's risky, but she has never given me reason to doubt her.
She has always been a certain type of girl,even before we got married.
None of these stories here make me trigger or afraid or be suspicious of her.
In fact, reading these horror stories, and some of my interactions here, has made me even more appreciative of her, and what we have.
So yes,
TAM has had a positive impact.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Mostly I feel like it's made me a bit jaded in that I see all these other jaded people in the world.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You would be a fool to blindly trust anyone.
> 
> That's not from this site, it's just a fact.


I would have never married a woman I didn't believe I could "blindly trust".

I could have been a paranoid, edgy freak single.



Caribbean Man said:


> Well I trust my wife implicitly.
> I cannot live in a relationship where I don't trust a woman.
> That's why I married her.
> We both have opposite sex friends.
> ...


Yes, yes, yes, yes!

:smthumbup:


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I completely trust my wife. It's not blind trust. I see her for who she is. Completely faithful. Singularly awesome.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well I trust my wife implicitly.
> I cannot live in a relationship where I don't trust a woman.
> That's why I married her.
> We both have opposite sex friends.
> ...


:iagree: 

Can't like this post enough, CM.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yep, you see a lot here that'll make you grateful for what / who you have at home. As for trust...I actually trust H more now that we have our boundaries in place. Boundaries that I learned of here at TAM.


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## CraigW (Jul 7, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Mate, are you sure the only reason you checked her phone was due to TAM? But if you found nothing that's great. You're so much more fortunate than plenty of guys around.


That's a good point. Ultimately it was my decision and I have to take responsibility. 

I'm married over twenty years and no, there were no red flags. We are both pretty open and leave our phones out with no lock/password. I don't remember the generic question that I googled that brought me here six months ago. ( I google everything and research constantly) I know it didn't have anything to do with cheating but once here, I read a lot of messed up stories. 

Believe me, I'm not happy about what I did. I was just pointing out that although I have learned a lot since coming here, It also had influenced me to do something I don't believe I would have done. For the most part, before coming here, I was in my own little world. My marriage, although good, was on autopilot. 

I hope that makes sense.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

CraigW said:


> That's a good point. Ultimately it was my decision and I have to take responsibility.
> 
> I'm married over twenty years and no, there were no red flags. We are both pretty open and leave our phones out with no lock/password. I don't remember the generic question that I googled that brought me here six months ago. ( I google everything and research constantly) I know it didn't have anything to do with cheating but once here, I read a lot of messed up stories.
> 
> ...


It does and I completely understand. That is an easy point to get to but a hard one to get away from. Thats why a good marriage is hard work. I've seen those who say it shouldnt be like work but it is. The work comes in fighting your own human nature to get to comfortable and become complacent. That is a huge danger that most men don't realize is hanging over there heads.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My reasons for landing here was purely because I became a SEX HOUND







... looking for a "sink your teeth into" Sex forum...with class, openness & articulate posters... loved the depth of responses given here..& this being a Marraige forum to boot was icing on the cake. 

Then I posted what I was struggling with....I had this insatiable desire to get my husband more Aggressive....(Looking back ~ this was something "hormonal" I was going through)....

So we come to learn....It was more ME who needed to take those reins....this really spiced our sex life UP......this was all coming terribly naturally for me during that time......so I yakked my way through all this discovery here...

It's been enlightening, LOVE the interaction....and the more I learned about other men & their sexual turn ons - noticing some real patterns, the more I realized I married the absolute PERFECT man for me --- Had I had one of those aggressive types...chances are he would have NOT appreciated MY aggressive nature -wanting me to tame some of my passions ~ caging a part of who I am. 

So we've come to learn what works *for us*....ya know, kinda what we've been missing...for too many years.... Inhibitions be gone, drowned in the ocean. 

I can't say ANYTHING I have read here has shaken my faith in my husband, not for a minute. 

He has, however, told me to stop reading here on occasion, I would get bent out of shape reading about some of these HORN DOGS all over their wives - when he couldn't keep up with me...I wanted him to be like that...like that young man who could do it 3 times a day. I felt saddened this has passed us by. 

We all have a few things we get a little jealous of ~ that was mine! (for a time)... I'm cured now. 

Then I found myself so darned Hooked here... I haven't been able to leave.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He has, however, told me to stop reading here on occasion, I would get bent out of shape reading about some of these HORN DOGS all over their wives - when he couldn't keep up with me...I wanted him to be like that...like that young man who could do it 3 times a day. I felt saddened this has passed us by.


I must be getting old. I can only do it 2 times a day now. 

Actually my wife has, from time to time, asked me to lay off TAM too. She calls it my "soap opera." 

Hmmm.... I should probably get back to work now.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

CraigW said:


> I found this site googling a generic question and became fascinated by the topics. For those that didn't find this site because of infidelity or major problems in your marriage, has it made you super paranoid or have you benefited.
> 
> I thought my wife and I were cool but after reading all those bogus traveling carnival ferris wheel infidelity stories along with some real life happenstance posts it makes me think about everything.
> 
> ...


I too found this site after Googling a non marriage related topic and became hooked.

In my marriage of 18 years other than an EA early in our marriage on my part (that thankfully didn't go PA) we have had no real drama. 

Having said that I have learned a great deal in the last couple of years that has helped make a good marriage even better. 

It is sad that many of the tried and true techniques posted here come from extremely painful experiences. I for one am grateful to all of you who are willing to post your problems, solutions and insights, you DO help others more than you realize.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sandc said:


> I must be getting old. I can only do it 2 times a day now.


You are making me Jealous again Damn it !! Just kidding, rub it in -why don't you. 

He can only do it once a day - then he's basically OUT / bushed, I've done him in. Did manage to get him twice on 2 occasions in the past couple yrs though, I was so elated over this fact....felt like the Heavens opened- just so excited... How silly -huh!

Other than the times I ground up viagra in his cereal (just kidding again)... the guys he works with joke about this though.. ha ha :rofl:


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I think Toby Keith said it best when he said.'I anit as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My reasons for landing here was purely because I became a SEX HOUND
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is the one thing I'm severely worried about with my wife. The last thing I want to do is cage her, yet I know for a fact I can't do it 3x a day for the rest of my life.

I'm hoping counselling will turn something up and help us fix everything because I hate knowing that I can't satisfy her completely.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> This is the one thing I'm severely worried about with my wife. The last thing I want to do is cage her, yet I know for a fact I can't do it 3x a day for the rest of my life.
> 
> I'm hoping counselling will turn something up and help us fix everything because I hate knowing that I can't satisfy her completely.


 Yeah.... she sounds like a STRONG woman, not the type you will ever be able to tame.....too much anyway. 

Awe but that is so sweet ~ what you said here, sounds like a loving husband to me.  

There is a huge difference between your wife and me....she is/was very sexually liberated in her early marriage...You 2 know how to PLAY, probably did it everywhere in the house, even daring things in public-for the thrill, umpteen postions, tying up, role play, all of it.....you could give some Porn stars some ideas I bet. 

NO inhibitions at ALL to even shake a stick at... Me... I was the total opposite of this... wanted the lights out, looked at oral as dirty.... ....So when I started coming out of this....I was like .... "damn, this is what I've been missing our entire marraige, WTF was wrong with me!! I was even a little pissed off ... it was like I entered the Wizard of Oz or something...Everything was NEW, Exciting, ELECTRIC, I couldn't put it down....... hence the Niagra Falls reaction.... 

Chances are....Your wife is not going to go through this like me.... she has no inhibitions to loose feeling like she stepped into a new dimension. Hope this is a comfort to you !


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yeah.... she sounds like a STRONG woman, not the type you will ever be able to tame.....too much anyway.
> 
> Awe but that is so sweet ~ what you said here, sounds like a loving husband to me.


Thanks SA, and yeah, she can be a handful... but as you know - so can I lol



> There is a huge difference between your wife and me....she is/was very sexually liberated in her early marriage...You 2 know how to PLAY, probably did it everywhere in the house, even daring things in public-for the thrill, umpteen postions, tying up, role play, all of it.....you could give some Porn stars some ideas I bet.
> 
> NO inhibitions at ALL to even shake a stick at... Me... I was the total opposite of this... wanted the lights out, looked at oral as dirty.... ....So when I started coming out of this....I was like .... "damn, this is what I've been missing our entire marraige, WTF was wrong with me!! I was even a little pissed off ... it was like I entered the Wizard of Oz or something...Everything was NEW, Exciting, ELECTRIC, I couldn't put it down....... hence the Niagra Falls reaction....


Well, we still haven't explored anal... lol xD
You know my feelings on it... oh HELL NO! :rofl:



> Chances are....Your wife is not going to go through this like me.... she has no inhibitions to loose feeling like she stepped into a new dimension. Hope this is a comfort to you !


Heh well, no inhibitions but HIGH expectations lol

She's the love of my life but it's just too hard to keep up with her, yet I've been pushing myself sexually to the very limit to satisfy her all these years. As you said, she's tough to tame heh


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I decided to keep away from TAM more recently as, although theres fantastic bits of advice that can be found here that can really help keep a great marriage great, theres too just too much negativity and far too negative an outlook. 

There is a trend of making mountains out of molehills at times and it's not great if you're posting on the site in a vulnerable frame of mind.

Fortunately for me, I'm really defensive about my wife and my marriage, so any suggesting that my marriage was anything but great, wasn't going to fly.


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