# Wife's midlife crisis roller-coaster



## thegman (Dec 3, 2016)

Folks, I am looking for some advice. I have been married now for 11 years and with the same person for about 17 years. We have 2 children and I have been recently trying to patch up our marriage as we seemed to have drifted apart more and more. My wife has been sleeping on the couch for a number of years now. I have been trying to talk with her about our issues for sometime and I just kept getting excuses. I drew a line in the sand and wanted to fix things or get a divorce because I didn't want to live out my life with such a distant relationship. There are other things that I won't go into detail on but in confronting my wife, she said she is no longer attracted to me. She loves me but isn't in love with me. She said she has been depressed for the last 2 years. She has always fought depression, OCD, and anxiety. Over the last few years she has become more and more withdrawn from my and our 2 small children. All she would do is play on her phone and text people while excluding myself and the family. I never really got much affection but we were still having sex fairly regularly. It seems that she has been going through a midlife crisis. THe depression and how unhappy she seemed to be was a blindside to me. I would just accommodate her behaviour and felt like we still had a good marriage but obviously lacked closeness

She used to really identify herself with our kids and me. She had charm bracelets she proudly wore for her kids and things she liked. It seems like the midlife crisis had crept in and now she dresses different. SHe lost weight and spends most of her time on her appearance. She really likes attention from other people and guys. She has shifted from a mom to more a single person looking for an edgy sexy look and always pushing the bar for more attention. She has a brand new found fondness for tattoos and really seems to obsess about them. She got her first one about a month ago and has plans for many more. THere are other details about her crisis that i am intentionally leaving out to focus on the topic at hand.

Now I am trying to work on these problems head on. We are in marriage counseling. She has put forth a lot of effort to not be on her phone. She does give me a small amount of affection. I get a hug and typically a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes a kiss on the mouth. She will sit with me and talk now where she really mostly ignored everyone in the past. She is taking a new anti-depressant and that seems to be helping and possibly bringing about some of the positive things. She started helping more with housework and family things so she is becoming more present in the marriage. There is still a long ways to go. We do still have sex occasionally. Sometimes she seems really into it and others not so much. 

What I want to do is try to shift the relationship back to where she feels more attraction to me and wants to initiate affection. I feel like now it's mostly me that wants affection. I have to say I feel like I have been starved for it for so many years. I believe my best bet would be to not initiate hugs, closeness, etc. It's very hard though because we are just trying to start to patch things up and work toward being a connected married couple again. Has anyone out there been through this successfully and fixed their problems and regained closeness and the spark you had? I see it is still there a little. I want to work on things and try not to sabotage the progress we made.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Danger, danger, danger! It sounds like she is either cheating on you or planning to do so, probably the former. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html if you want to find out what is actually going on.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The signs of a midlife crisis are the same as an affair. Sorry to tell you this but she is displaying several classical signs of a cheater. You should invest in a VAR, double check the browsing history on the computer, and get a peak at her phone when she isn't looking.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Curious, your W has been sleeping on the couch for a couple of years yet you were just blindsided now by her unhappiness and possible loss of attraction to you? 

Did you confront her about cheating? You mentioned this:



> I won't go into detail on but in confronting my wife, she said she is no longer attracted to me. She loves me but isn't in love with me.


From what you have written it would be hard to believe that she isn't having an affair, or if not it is only a matter of time.


----------



## thegman (Dec 3, 2016)

I am still looking for advice on my original post versus tracking down a cheater.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DO NOT stop the hugs.

Show her affection.....smiles and soft talk. Do little acts of love for her when she leasts expects them.

Do not set the hook. The hook that you do this only for sex.

Be more mysterious. Walk around smiling, singing, laughing quietly. 

When on the other side of the room, look at her with a big coy smile...let her ask the "What?" question. Say nothing, look down and smile.

If you are sad, the mood "sticks to her aura" as lint on cashmere.

This is a habit [of being] that you must maintain.

Make her "want" to be around you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women are attracted to strong men. Men who take charge. You did that by saying 'fix this or I'm divorcing.' Apply that strength to other areas. Date her again, so she can see she's still a viable attractive woman and isn't just an appendage to you and the kids. Do things with her. Harley says 10 to 15 hours a week is needed to stay in love. There are a million ways to do that, from having coffee each morning to going on walks to taking day trips to nearby towns and trying out new restaurants. Make life with YOU the attractive option. 

As for affection, once a woman has stopped seeing you as a romantic partner, it won't just reappear overnight. Be patient (after verifying she's not cheating), continue to spend time with her, grow that personal bond and look for the right time to literally sweep her off her feet and carry her to the bedroom. But be patient; it won't likely be anytime soon that she'll be ready for that.


----------



## thegman (Dec 3, 2016)

I had confronted her on a number of occasions but still, I am not looking for cheater advice. Looking for advice to my original post. S


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like she has her eyes on a new piece of meat. Look at the cell phone bill. You will be able to see who she is texting/calling and the timestamp. If she's smart, she'll use an app that goes over the Internet, like Kik. You won't be able to trace this unless you catch her or monitor her devices on your network at home. It's easy to hide these apps.

Continue the MC (marriage counseling). You can't change her, you can only change yourself. So start working on yourself today. Make you a better person. See a therapist. Hit the gym 5x a week, hard. Get in the best shape of your life. That means a killer diet, only water and milk.

Everyone posting about her having an affair is right. You sound like you had your head in sand for way too long. I think she checked out. Time for you to put time in your appearance. Go out with the guys or even yourself. Tell the wifey you'l be back at 1am, going out with Hank and Jim.

MC is pointless if she's talking with another guy. It happens way too often on here, even in my own experience. I was in MC with my ex wife but was talking to another girl. I checked out years ago, was just buying time to get my finances in order. It was comical to me actually, had a fun time learning how fcked up we were for each other and how the therapist just wanted us to come back twice a week. No wonder why she drove a new $70K Benz!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> The signs of a midlife crisis are the same as an affair. Sorry to tell you this but she is displaying several classical signs of a cheater. You should invest in a VAR, double check the browsing history on the computer, and get a peak at her phone when she isn't looking.


And mid life crises' quite often are one in the same with affairs.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thegman said:


> I had confronted her on a number of occasions but still, I am not looking for cheater advice. Looking for advice to my original post. S


Confronted her on what? In what way? What happened?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You can not fix if she is cheating. 

If she is not. Then turnera has given you good advice. 

If she is there is nothing you can do to fix until the cheating stops. 

You need to show strength and don't beg for her time. 

One more thing if she is not dressing for you, who is she dressing for?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you say you don't want to hear about cheating and you have confronted her several times.
you know that doesn't work right? what have you done besides confronting her???

now i'm not going to say she's cheating necessarily, but the dressing sexy, wanting attention from men and being distant is troublesome.
as is the ILYBINILWY.

you must rule out the cheating more than just confronting her. for lack of a better term, you must spy on her to rule it out.
because if there is by some chance she is cheating, then your approach will be completely different than is it's just a 'midlife crisis'.
there are red flags here. you must address them. 

once you do rule out cheating,
then go from there.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP is looking for a way out. A way to get his old, loving wife back. A way to have his old life back without the humiliation and feelings of betrayal from knowing his wife is cheating.

She's on her cell constantly.
She is dressing differently and losing weight, taking more time on her appearance.
She is distant.
She is suddenly wanting tatoos, likes guy attention, and acts single.
And more, but you get the picture I hope.

Her other man is into tatoos. No doubt
You've had your head in the sand for 2 years, and all it's gotten you is a wife who is acting like she's single.

You THINK that YOU are the one making the choices here and telling her it's marriage or divorce. Sorry, she's divorced you long ago in her mind. The only thing you are good for is financial and emotional support when she's feeling glum.

My advice: File for divorce. You are already unhappy. You're not losing anything. She's clearly gone. By your own words, she's acting like a single woman. She's not just acting like it with clothes and wanting attention. She's getting physical attention as well. Bank on it.
She's acting better? Maybe broke off things with her affair partner.

Now is a good time to find out if she's in or out----- or better yet, just divorce and give yourself the opportunity to find a woman who has feelings for you and IS attracted to you.
You can file and don't have to go through with it. If she has an epiphany and wants to work on the marriage, you guys can still do that. But you need to get your own life started. Either she's all aboard or she's in her own boat.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If you're still having sex on a regular basis, do you know why she doesn't sleep in the bedroom with you? What does she say about this?


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

thegman said:


> I had confronted her on a number of occasions but still, I am not looking for cheater advice. Looking for advice to my original post. S


Your previous thread was about your wife having an EA with a man who claims to have an open marriage. You haven't posted on that thread since 12/03. What came of it? 

You're not going to get useful advise without entering your wife's affair in the equation.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

thegman said:


> I am still looking for advice on my original post versus tracking down a cheater.


The problem is you can't fix a marriage when there is a third person involved. If you get confirmation that it's just marital problems and/or depression then we can give suggestion on how to deal with that. If it is cheating, then you get a different set of advice because you are dealing with a totally different problem. You really need to know what you are dealing with so that your advice can be properly tailored to your issue. 

My first thread on TAM was about my wife (now XW) having a midlife crisis and I was 100% convinced she wasn't cheating. After some prompting I finally accepted the red flags and investigated. The first day I put out a VAR I caught her screwing the OM in my house. Before I caught her I tried everything to fix the problems in our relationship, but nothing had worked because our relationship was never the problem. If there is any advice I can give you it is to identify the real problem (whatever that is) and address it.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

It sounds like you are looking to do Plan A and Plan B. It does not work. The person who came up with the plan states it only has a 10-15 percent success rate at keeping the marriage intact when used properly. The single most important action is to end the infidelity. The first step is expose the adultery. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. Are you capable of exposing to your young childen if she comminting adultery?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You are not getting the advice you want. You are getting the advice you need. 

You came here for help. We are helping you. 

You are being told by cheaters and betrayed alike that you wife is cheating. 

Face this head on if you want to save your marriage.


----------



## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thegman said:


> I am still looking for advice on my original post versus tracking down a cheater.


You mean you're looking for advice on how to improve your 'pick me!' dance moves because up to this point, it hasn't been working for you.

Unfortunately, it never does.

It simply makes you look weak, needy, and desperate to her. Further, your willingness to degrade yourself and disrespect yourself in the hopes of 'winning' back a lying cheater makes you look even more unappealing to her. I don't think there's a woman on this *PLANET* who says to herself, "Jesus, I've disrespected this clown in every possible way and there he is, STILL begging for a crumb of my affection and willing to completely swallow his pride for a pat on the head from me. Damn, he's hot!" 

Said NO woman ever.

Find your pride. Seriously.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your other thread said your wife wants an open marriage and is having an affair with tattoo guy.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

thegman said:


> I had confronted her on a number of occasions but still, I am not looking for cheater advice. Looking for advice to my original post. S


From reading part of the first post of your other thread, it sounds like you already know she is cheating. What do you want these people to tell you? If you are with a person who is obviously cheating, all of the responses on this board will reflect that. This is the wrong board if you want to be coddled. Surviving Infidelity will do a lot more hand holding in these situations. This board tries to get people out of these relationships immediately. That doesn't seem to be what you want.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jus260 said:


> This board tries to get people out of these relationships immediately. That doesn't seem to be what you want.


Not necessarily OUT of the relationships - moreso to END the cheating so that the two can THEN address any other issues, as no issues can be resolved when one partner is busy getting their needs met by someone else.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

thegman said:


> *She loves me but isn't in love with me.*


I missed that on the first read. That is the #1 sign of cheating.

Sorry you are here, man.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

thegman, neither thread is going to give you the answers you want to hear. Those answers are fictitious. Right now, your kindness and accommodation has only caused her to lose respect and attraction for you. Tattoo guy is still more interesting because he's more of a man in her eyes, and you're the fallback plan. She needs to feel the sting of losing you and you need to show her you're not a doormat. Improve your appearance, start exercising, start doing things without her. Show her that you'll be just fine, even if you don't feel that way right now.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you won't hear, at least read and decide for yourself... Deejo's sticky thread

Best


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

thegman said:


> I had confronted her on a number of occasions but still, I am not looking for cheater advice. Looking for advice to my original post. S


The problem with this approach is that the way you address a lack of attraction is often the worst possible thing you can do if your wife is cheating. You have to know, or you run the risk of making the situation worse. 

Curious, though, why you are so resistant to run down the rabbit hole on her possibly cheating on you.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Curious, though, why you are so resistant to run down the rabbit hole on her possibly cheating on you.


Some things are too painful. ILYBINILWY is tough to comprehend. He's not there yet.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

thegman said:


> I am still looking for advice on my original post versus tracking down a cheater.


Okay...

Stop chasing her. 

Stop talking about the relationship. She's obviously not interested.

Stop begging and moaning, and become more distant and mysterious. 

Work on yourself, shift your focus to yourself and your kids. 

Start working out more, get fit, eat healthier and wear nicer clothes. 

Talk to and flirt with women. I'm not saying have an affair, but you can start upping your sex rank by showing your wife that other women can be interested in you. 

Get your inner groove back. Unleash the caveman inside you. Start doing manly things around the house: work on your car, strap on a toolbelt and do some fixing up around the house, build something for your kids. 

Get back to your old hobbies...you know, the ones you gave up when you married her. 

Start hanging out with your male friends more. 

In toto, start being YOU again and maybe, if she's not fvcking another guy (which she may very well be doing), she might start becoming interested in you again.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What was life like for the two of you when you were dating? Did you do special things for her because you loved her and not because you wanted something in return? What happened to that? 

When a woman feels like she is not loved, understood, supported by her husband she is going to start sleeping on the couch....and maybe for some, will start looking around at other men.

You say you are starved of affection. I would be willing to say what you are referring to is that you are starved of sex. More than likely she is one starved of affection. If she feels that all she means to you is a sex partner eventually she will get tired of pleasing a man that cannot be pleased.

Men don't see it until the wife has slept on the couch for 2 years and by the time you finally get that she not coming coming to you she is way past reconciliation. 

Been there!!!! Spent 5 years sleeping in the other room because my ex was too caught up in himself and other women...porn, flirting with the waitress. Was because he wasn't getting enough at home? I am sure if he was asked he would say it was but I was very turned off by his actions. We talked about it, we went to counseling for it. he might try to be kind and say something nice or give me a card or a kiss but I knew as soon as I left the room he was on the computer looking up busty women pics. The way I saw it he wanted to eat his cake and have it too, It doesn't work that way.

My guess is that she feels betrayed and unheard. She stopped talking because it wasn't changing anything. Depression can result from this.

I hope I am wrong....I hoped I am way off on all my points.


----------

