# Need Advice..what would you do?



## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Hello. I have quite a long complicated story with my H so excuse me for being a hog I just don't know what else to do, or who to turn to. I would like to hear from others what they would do, and how you think about it.

I have been with my H for a little over 8 years, we'll be married almost 7 and have 2 children together and one from my previous relationship. I got pregnant only 2.5 months after we were together and I upped and moved to where he lived. Our relationship was clouded with lies, as his previous long distance relationship was still going on via the internet. I guess not in an intimate way, but still hiding and lying to me about still talking with her. This went on for over a year. Lots of trust issues from the start. He'd go out until 3am while I was at home pregnant and act like it was my issue that I just had to get over it. Well 3 months after we had our child together, I was pregnant again. I was 28 and he was 32 and the next step for us was to get married. He never asked me, I just suggested it, and he went along for the ride. I even picked out my own engagement ring because he didn't. That stays with me to this day, and hurts like hell that he never really seemed to want to get married. 

Well here we are all these years later and we've been in pretty serious trouble for the past 3 years. I will tell you upfront that he is a daily pot smoker and that bothers me tremendously. I grew up with it in my home and did not want my children to grow up this way. I told him that when I was pregnant the first time and he said he understood. Many years of lying/hiding and blatantly ignoring my feelings regarding this issue have passed. He would come home from work high, be high on the weekends, and just as soon as the kids would be in bed, he'd smoke. I've probably had 2 months total time with him not high. It really started to bother me 3 years ago because I felt that he could not be with me sober, like he needed the high to spend time with me and our children. I was at home all day long, and would have loved adult conversation after the kids went to bed, but we all know what pot does....it would put him in a daze, uncommunicative, unable to listen and actually hear what I had to say. I began to feel very unimportant to him. The sad thing is I've always felt that way a bit but this was making it worse. I decided not to ask him to quit, as I thought that would be unfair to him. So I would explain my hurt to him (my triggers from childhood), wanting to feel heard, appreciated, cared for etc., and asked him to compromise with me. At first it was can you only smoke a couple times a week. Well that didn't do anything. He'd still be high every day. (just so you know, he works for a large company and is high management, excellent career). So a few months later after being hurt he couldn't compromise to that, I asked him to smoke only after the kids went to bed, not come home high, don't smoke during the weekend days, and to spend at least an hour with me before smoking. Not bad, still he could smoke every day, but at least be involved in family matters, relationship matters. Didn't work. Wouldn't compromise. I was extremely hurt by his attitude of not caring for me at all. First he would lie about it if I asked if he smoked (I can always tell when he does), and I'd say what do you think I'm stupid? Then he'd fess up, and say he didn't lie, that he just admitted it, so that isn't lying. 

All this while, he'd smoke and then go right onto the computer at night. He wouldn't spend time with me. He's not affectionate with me, nor does he communicate. Anything, whether he is upset with something, or ecstatic about something. He just doesn't talk. Anytime I'd talk about us, he'd do the turn around trick..."well I just can't do anything right, you're the one with issues, you need to get over your childhood..blah blah blah." I'd clam up, lose my muster, and shove all the hurt under the carpet. I'd begun to lose any real feeling for him. After months of trying therapy with no change, I decided that I couldn't be with him anymore. I told him that I didn't love him and that I wanted a divorce. He told me that he wasn't going to leave the house. He never fought me on that though. Never begged me to try, never promised he'd change, he was just ok with it. This was 2 years ago. We'd decided to do the mediation route. We were agreeing to things, and it was going to be easy. Until he talked to his parents. They brainwashed him with things like I'm the one with issues, this is his house because he's the one who's worked, I had to leave the house etc etc. They said a lot of hurtful things, and that's when he became nasty. I felt like my life was over, it was awful. After a few weeks of living like that I pretty much begged him one day for us to work things out. He didn't want to. The next day, I spent all day talking to him to explain the pros of staying together, making it work, becoming better together. He agreed. Things got better. About a week after we decided to stay, he left his work email open at home, which he had never done before. I didn't even realize it until I heard the mail come in. I looked, and there was this girl that he'd been talking to. Very kindly, like oooh your new haircut looks awesome on you, want to go have a cig?, you ready for lunch?" I called him at work and confronted him about it. Turns out he'd only been to lunch with her 2 times, they would talk about their relationship problems etc, but nothing had happened between them. To me, an emotional affair is the same if not worse than a sexual affair. I still to this day do not believe him, which has caused even more trust issues. Funny thing is, a week after I found out about her, she no longer worked there. Hmmm. 

Seven months later, things still hadn't changed, still ignored me, pot smoking, not help with the house etc., we were at that same divorce place. We again decided to try again to work through things. 

This summer things got bad. I couldn't take it anymore. I realized that I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by my husband. How awful it felt being married yet feeling so damn lonely. I've tried everything. I'm the one who wants things to get better, no trying on his part. So early summer, this was it again. We were going to get divorced. The pot smoking had become a non issue, there were many more than that. But that's what he made it about. He came to me one day after a month of not talking saying that he was going to quit, he'd realized what it had done to our relationship, and that he was almost 40 and ready. He wanted more for us. I tried to explain to him that pot really didn't have anything to do with it anymore (that was the early days) but it was ringing in my head. I heard this before, and nothing changed ever. Am I willing to listen again, and try to make things work? I needed time to think. I pretty much spent the whole summer with my kids and my family, doing what I wanted to do. I felt happy, I was spending time with my family which I hadn't done much of, I was enjoying life again. I met up with some high school friends and listened to their horror stories of divorce, and decided that I could not go through that. I came to him, told him that this time things would really need to change for us to work. I booked a weekend marriage workshop and we were on our way. Workshop went awesome! We learned to communicate our feelings, learned to empathize with one another it was just awesome. I hadn't felt that healthy about our relationship ever. Even he was saying the same thing. 

Two weeks after the workshop, things went back to normal. He began smoking every day, ignorning me, and started FaceBooking. That's all he does at night. For hours he'll be "catching" up with old friends. He has a lot of woman on his FB from high school and work. Thing is, I've never heard any of these names before...Ever! So lately I feel like I'm really trying to love him the way he said he wanted to be loved, he hasn't changed at all. I want communication, and he wants to communicate with FB. Last week we got into an argument because he said he needs some time to himself, all he ever does is work, he needs something for him. Well he is a manager and baseball player which takes up 8 months of the year where we dont see him at all on Sundays, that's his hobby, and his pot, he's always said that's his enjoyment. I told him that I don't understand what else he needs besides not having a wife or kids. He's been extremely punchy with me, does not listen when I'm talking, and just seems disinterested in me. Except for last night, he sat all the way on the other side of the couch, spent all night giving the puppy attention, didn't say a word to me until it was time for bed. "You want some company in there" he asked, meaning did I want to have sex? Hell no I thought to myself, and I went and cried myself to sleep. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm slowly but surely getting into a depression, wondering if this last try was really that...the last time. 

There is so much more to the story, but I think you get the general picture. Please, I need some input from others. I'm an extremely loving and affectionate person, and I'm not getting that in return, and I need that. What do I do here? Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sorry for your pain. And I mean that as someone who has had communication problems with his w that are similar here. Yes I went dormant. Stress was doing it to me. Yes I am generally an inward looking person when highly stressed. Doesn't excuse the behaviour on my behalf. No, no affairs either EA or P here on my part. 

I found that counseling helped me understand my issues. But I was open to digging. It was grueling to go through to confront my "Core" issues. Things that weren't apparent. My actions that my w didn't like were the effects of the core problems. That is only overcome by realizing what those are, then start addressing. But this takes time, since we carry things with us a long time they can't be undone overnight.

There are no quick fixes, just slow steady progress.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Thanks for replying. 
That is huge of you to deal with, I applaud you for that. Did you decide on counseling yourself, or did your wife suggest it?

I've talked to him about his issues, which he says he has absolutely none. He had the "perfect" childhood and does not carry things around with him, he doesn't have any issues (in his words). I have suggested that he may have depression and that it would help if he were to talk to a therapist where they are non judgmental etc, but he refuses. There has been nothing in our relationship that's been an ah-ha moment for him where he realizes there are things he needs to work out.
I just feel so unloved, and hurt. I know that I am a beautiful person both inside and out, so it's not anything to do with attractiveness on my part. He mentioned one time that he saw a man gawking over me, and he said he didn't feel anything by it. I asked him, you didn't feel proud, or you didn't feel jealous? His response was no, nothing. When these things go on for so long, I'm really feeling undesirable. I know my issues and I've worked my ass off at resolving them, I'm very psychological minded. I want to help him face his core issues, as I know he has many. I just don't know if I can do it anymore alone.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I haven't dealt, I am dealing. It is a constant struggle to change. I actually have to practice things to make them feel natural over time. 

My wife created the ah ha moments. And it still took me a while to get it. Unfortunately it seems too late for the 2 of us. She was and is so angry and resentful of me "not getting it" that she hasn't stopped to think about her own issues that she needs to resolve. Because it does take 2 to tango. Nevertheless, I am still working on myself. Plus other issues with her have arisen that leave us in doubt.

Anyway, just trying to help someone out here.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Please, I would love some input from some of you..I really need help on this....


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

What would you advise your best friend, sister or daughter if they were in your shoes?


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