# Overcoming husband’s porn addiction



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Before I get into this post, I know many of you who have read my previous threads will think less of my for staying in my marriage. I’ve struggled with leaving but ultimately want my family in-tact.

Anyways, after years of a horrible sex life (which started with figuring out he has low-t), I recently discovered my husband has been hiding an addiction to pornography. I am struggling to understand the lies, the replacement of intimacy with me, and overall resentment. Addiction runs in his family and I do feel somewhat relieved to finally have the truth. I feel immense guilt for violating his privacy (I logged into his Google activity) but after years of feeling lied to....I have zero regrets. Is there even a chance he will stay open and honest with me? It was devastating so see this amount of porn use (nearly every day) when he can hardly manage an erection once a week for me.

How does a marriage come back from this? How can I rebuild trust and start over? I’d like to hear from people who have struggled with this issue (either the addict or the spouse). It just really hurts.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can't rebuild trust and start over. He needs to do that. Does HE want to do that?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

The porn isn't really the main issue you are dealing with here - have you gone back and read YOUR previous posts about him? You may want to do that so you get a REALISTIC picture of what your marriage has been like for you from the beginning, and then decide if there is anything worth staying for...

The ONLY way trust can be rebuilt is if it was actually there to begin with...and I'm not sure it was for you at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> Before I get into this post, I know many of you who have read my previous threads will think less of my for staying in my marriage. I’ve struggled with leaving but ultimately want my family in-tact.
> 
> Anyways, after years of a horrible sex life (which started with figuring out he has low-t), I recently discovered my husband has been hiding an addiction to pornography. I am struggling to understand the lies, the replacement of intimacy with me, and overall resentment. Addiction runs in his family and I do feel somewhat relieved to finally have the truth. I feel immense guilt for violating his privacy (I logged into his Google activity) but after years of feeling lied to....I have zero regrets. Is there even a chance he will stay open and honest with me? It was devastating so see this amount of porn use (nearly every day) when he can hardly manage an erection once a week for me.
> 
> How does a marriage come back from this? How can I rebuild trust and start over? I’d like to hear from people who have struggled with this issue (either the addict or the spouse). It just really hurts.


You have every reason to be hurt but don't assume it has to do with you or even his attraction to you. It may be about him being lazy about sex with you, but it also may be his fear of physical intimacy. It's possible he feels inadequate so he substitutes fantasy over real life. Porn is easier for a lot of men. Some men grow up around it and I think they may even substitute 2D images for the real thing. Like their sexual nature becomes their interaction with a screen not a human being.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> The porn isn't really the main issue you are dealing with here - have you gone back and read YOUR previous posts about him? You may want to do that so you get a REALISTIC picture of what your marriage has been like for you from the beginning, and then decide if there is anything worth staying for...
> 
> The ONLY way trust can be rebuilt is if it was actually there to begin with...and I'm not sure it was for you at all.


It obviously hurts knowing this is a bigger issue. I just want my marriage to be healthy, but no it hasn’t ever been something that has made me happy. We have good times together but the lack of emotional and physical connection is so hard. On top of it all I’d consider myself a very sexual person with very few boundaries....which makes this hurt more. I know I don’t understand porn very well. I get it’s a lazy outlet but it’s hard to understand why he is choosing that over a sexually enthusiastic partner. I guess I am trying to pin his secret shame on all of the other bad stuff too.




sokillme said:


> You have every reason to be hurt but don't assume it has to do with you or even his attraction to you. It may be about him being lazy about sex with you, but it also may be his fear of physical intimacy. It's possible he feels inadequate so he substitutes fantasy over real life. Porn is easier for a lot of men. Some men grow up around it and I think they may even substitute 2D images for the real thing. Like their sexual nature becomes their interaction with a screen not a human being.


it’s really hard not to feel inadequate or not good looking enough. I am young and in shape and haven’t ever had body image issues until now. He claims it’s only been two years but I feel like it’s been quite a bit longer. What am I supposed to do to keep him accountable? He says he wants to quit and hates that he hurt me but it’s hard for me to believe it when he called me crazy for years and made me feel like I am some sex addict/psycho for pursing him. And then it turns out he is serving himself every day while I’m left with pity sex when he can muster the energy. It’s embarrassing.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Livvie said:


> You can't rebuild trust and start over. He needs to do that. Does HE want to do that?


He says he does but it’s hard to hear it after the deep lies. For years I’ve begged and asked questions....and now I am disgusted with myself for stooping down to the level of snooping I did. And then even more disgusted by what I found (the content was normal but the frequency and timing is a gut punch).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> it’s really hard not to feel inadequate or not good looking enough. I am young and in shape and haven’t ever had body image issues until now. He claims it’s only been two years but I feel like it’s been quite a bit longer. What am I supposed to do to keep him accountable? He says he wants to quit and hates that he hurt me but it’s hard for me to believe it when he called me crazy for years and made me feel like I am some sex addict/psycho for pursing him. And then it turns out he is serving himself every day while I’m left with pity sex when he can muster the energy. It’s embarrassing.


Honestly I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do is to not allow whatever this problem of his to see it as a reflection of your desirability. That is not going to help your situation. I get that is easier said then done but this is a dysfunction in him, and it has nothing to do with you. You were willing seems like you made advances and he shot you down.

You can't keep him accountable, that is up to him.

You have every right to be hurt, but don't let this steal you confidence, and DON'T be embarrassed, this is all on him.

Honestly he probably had a hard time sharing his sexual nature with you, which is a shame because you sound like you would be open. Talk to him about it. Maybe if you can get him to talk to you about it, you guys can explore it.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Honestly I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do is to not allow whatever this problem of his to see it as a reflection of your desirability. That is not going to help your situation. I get that is easier said then done but this is a dysfunction in him, and it has nothing to do with you. You were willing seems like you made advances and he shot you down.
> 
> You can't keep him accountable, that is up to him.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your replies! I expected to be bashed for staying but I feel like we could turn over a new leaf now that the secret is out. I do believe it started out infrequent as we worked through the low-t issues but a few failed attempts at intimacy on his end probably drove him towards the porn. It is hurtful and makes me feel betrayed but I do want to try to keep the mindset of he was/is equally ashamed.

I tried to offer watching together but he said he wants to be away from it entirely. I personally think it sounds exciting and a way to stay inspired, but I think he is still processing being outed. 

I am trying to remind myself it isn’t me but I’m on a roller coaster of emotions now I guess. I’m just praying the lies are done because that is what I cannot come back from or live with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> I really appreciate your replies! I expected to be bashed for staying but I feel like we could turn over a new leaf now that the secret is out. I do believe it started out infrequent as we worked through the low-t issues but a few failed attempts at intimacy on his end probably drove him towards the porn. It is hurtful and makes me feel betrayed but I do want to try to keep the mindset of he was/is equally ashamed.
> 
> I tried to offer watching together but he said he wants to be away from it entirely. I personally think it sounds exciting and a way to stay inspired, but I think he is still processing being outed.
> 
> I am trying to remind myself it isn’t me but I’m on a roller coaster of emotions now I guess. I’m just praying the lies are done because that is what I cannot come back from or live with.


Communicate with him, even if it's embarrassing at first. Let your sexual relationship become normal so neither one of you feel so much pressure about it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> and now I am disgusted with myself for stooping down to the level of snooping I did. And then even more disgusted by what I found (the content was normal but the frequency and timing is a gut punch).


Sorry Moulinyx but I'll have to challenge you on this one. For you to attempt to fix your situation, you have to see and understand your predicament to determine what's possible in the future. Its not like he was that forthcoming. By your own admission, your vision has been obscured , You've been begging and asking questions in vain but something told you to drill down. You did what you did to do to get to some solid ground. Because of your work, the cards are on the table and he can no longer hide his problem, meaning he has to own it and deal with it. The solid ground you hit may very well be the beginning of renewal. Quit rationalizing his behavior by beating yourself up for snooping. Think of it like a partner looking at the books and discovering questionable entries. You've got a right to protect your interest.
BTW, with his addiction, watching porn together is a bad idea. Its like drinking with a alcoholic. It may be fun and even get you laid, but it ain't helping the addiction.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m sorry you’re going through this but try and be thankful for the light that has come in to dispel the darkness. As hard as it is- that’s always a good thing.

All men have to battle with this- I think it’s literally taken over our entire culture. I feel so sorry for young men today.. porn is so accessible it’s almost impossible for men not to become damaged by it.

He needs to agree to throw it all out. ALL internet devices in your home either need filtered (with you owning passwords) or thrown away. He needs to heal by having NO access to internet porn and even more importantly you need to protect your children from it.

This isn’t really the time for you to doubt yourself.. if you love your husband you need to help him take strong action- almost like a battle plan on how he can quit and how you can keep that filth out of your home for good. Otherwise, your kids might wind up addicted someday.

Porn ruins men, marriage and children.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What happens is they get used to looking at only the stuff that is the most stimulating to them. If they've been watching porn
for a while by now they're probably really out in the weeds getting off on stuff that either you can't or wouldn't want to do or are mature to qualify for since so many of them look at the youngest ones they can find on there. 

They get used to doing it to the most stimulating thing and then they can't deal with reality, especially if they have a little intimacy problem to begin with for anxiety of any kind which it seems like a lot of guys do these days. Like so kill me said, it can be just from laziness, the easiest way to get off, the least anxiety. 

So the flaw is in him not you. He's the one who can't face having sex with an actual human. So please stop beating yourself up. Lord only knows what weird crap he's watching and has gotten himself used to. Honestly if I were you I'd probably just be grateful he wasn't coming to you trying to get you to do all that stuff that only paid women or enslaved ones do. You're probably already more than he can handle if he can't handle doing it with someone in person though.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion it is better to treat the topic of porn in a way that does not induce further guilt and shame. Porn thrives on guilt and shame, so anything that adds to that will just make the problems worse. 

A better approach is one of talking about stress and finding healthier ways to cope. It helps if you are open and honest about having faults of your own as well as challenges knowing how to cope. 

It will be impossible for your husband to change his patterns of behavior, but by trying to remove guilt and shame you may be able to help him adapt his behaviors in favor of making choices that are better for your marriage. An example might be replacing porn for a book with erotic stories or some form of erotic media that you approve of so that he does not feel ashamed or guilt which will help him to become more open about it. Once that happens he will not be as reliant on it as without guilt and shame, porn becomes rather boring. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Communicate with him, even if it's embarrassing at first. Let your sexual relationship become normal so neither one of you feel so much pressure about it.


I am unsure about how I should go about checking in. I know it’s something we need to get comfortable with talking about or he will just get better at hiding it.




VladDracul said:


> Sorry Moulinyx but I'll have to challenge you on this one. For you to attempt to fix your situation, you have to see and understand your predicament to determine what's possible in the future. Its not like he was that forthcoming. By your own admission, your vision has been obscured , You've been begging and asking questions in vain but something told you to drill down. You did what you did to do to get to some solid ground. Because of your work, the cards are on the table and he can no longer hide his problem, meaning he has to own it and deal with it. The solid ground you hit may very well be the beginning of renewal. Quit rationalizing his behavior by beating yourself up for snooping. Think of it like a partner looking at the books and discovering questionable entries. You've got a right to protect your interest.
> BTW, with his addiction, watching porn together is a bad idea. Its like drinking with a alcoholic. It may be fun and even get you laid, but it ain't helping the addiction.


I know the snooping was necessary because I was very close to leaving. I just don’t want him to feel like I am spying on him. I considered secretly logging him into trackers to see if he would lie but IMO that would cross too many boundaries and I don’t want to go to that level. I also agree about your point regarding watching porn together. I just don’t want him feeling controlled sexually but I am now understanding porn addiction isn’t about sexual exploration. This is all very new to me.




CatholicDad said:


> I’m sorry you’re going through this but try and be thankful for the light that has come in to dispel the darkness. As hard as it is- that’s always a good thing.
> 
> All men have to battle with this- I think it’s literally taken over our entire culture. I feel so sorry for young men today.. porn is so accessible it’s almost impossible for men not to become damaged by it.
> 
> ...


I agree this amount of use is ruining our marriage. We had zero connection (emotional and physical) the last two years and I constantly had this awful feeling in my gut that something was going on. I admit I am relieved it’s just porn and not cheating, but I do feel cheated on. I’m working through my resentment but I’m struggling to determine boundaries. Since his porn use was way more than the random viewing once a week or so, is this something he can ever handle? I’m not someone who is totally against porn so long as I am not replaced but it seems like this isn’t something he can balance.

Are the porn blocking apps even worth it? I’ve been looking at them but since this is all so fresh I don’t even know where to start.













DownByTheRiver said:


> What happens is they get used to looking at only the stuff that is the most stimulating to them. If they've been watching porn
> for a while by now they're probably really out in the weeds getting off on stuff that either you can't or wouldn't want to do or are mature to qualify for since so many of them look at the youngest ones they can find on there.
> 
> They get used to doing it to the most stimulating thing and then they can't deal with reality, especially if they have a little intimacy problem to begin with for anxiety of any kind which it seems like a lot of guys do these days. Like so kill me said, it can be just from laziness, the easiest way to get off, the least anxiety.
> ...


I think he is using it as stress relief and then it became habitual. When we talked about it after I dropped the bomb, he said it started out as trying to regain confidence but then it took a turn and became an obsessive thing.

He also admitted it was less pressure because he knew it was disappointing if he wasn’t able to get aroused.

I keep telling him I don’t see him any differently and we seem to be closer but I’m so afraid it is an act or will go away.




badsanta said:


> In my opinion it is better to treat the topic of porn in a way that does not induce further guilt and shame. Porn thrives on guilt and shame, so anything that adds to that will just make the problems worse.
> 
> A better approach is one of talking about stress and finding healthier ways to cope. It helps if you are open and honest about having faults of your own as well as challenges knowing how to cope.
> 
> ...


So how should I go about bringing this up? I don’t think he can win this battle without talking about it. He said he’s agreed to come to me when he has an “urge”, but he has a lot of free time alone at the house. I don’t want to feel like I constantly have to be available to come home (I don’t work from an office so my schedule is flexible) to keep him from turning to porn. Again, he says he won’t but there’s zero repercussion or way for me to trust that he won’t.

He has a boudoir book from our wedding four years ago with plenty of content....which he said he used frequently in the beginning. I just want at minimum the lusting over pornstars to end. I can’t compete with that.

So if he isn’t afraid or embarrassed to talk about it, that makes the urge to view go away?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

"I don’t want to feel like I constantly have to be available to come home (I don’t work from an office so my schedule is flexible) to keep him from turning to porn. " 

You definitely do not want to turn this bad situation into something he's being rewarded for by you being on standby. He needs to stop acting like a child. You both need to be in the mood for it, not just when or if he is. Honestly, if he's not willing to put a little work into it, I wouldn't be a willing receptacle, because after watching that much porn, I'm afraid that's how he now thinks of women. He'll likely use it as a way to try to get you to do weird crap he got addicted to on there. I know you need sex back. Just don't throw your boundaries to the wind in the process. Stay focused on your own needs. Obviously, he's only been focused on his for a long time.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> "I don’t want to feel like I constantly have to be available to come home (I don’t work from an office so my schedule is flexible) to keep him from turning to porn. "
> 
> You definitely do not want to turn this bad situation into something he's being rewarded for by you being on standby. He needs to stop acting like a child. You both need to be in the mood for it, not just when or if he is. Honestly, if he's not willing to put a little work into it, I wouldn't be a willing receptacle, because after watching that much porn, I'm afraid that's how he now thinks of women. He'll likely use it as a way to try to get you to do weird crap he got addicted to on there. I know you need sex back. Just don't throw your boundaries to the wind in the process. Stay focused on your own needs. Obviously, he's only been focused on his for a long time.


You’re right. All of that makes sense, especially the point with boundaries. I think I am struggling to balance my own healing and anger about what has been withheld from me and trying to be a good support/partner. I do think it got out of hand and this wasn’t his goal, but this is where we are now. I don’t want to resort to “stop being a child” since that will probably drive him back into secrecy.

I might reach out to a counselor for advice. I know he isn’t in a place to talk to someone yet (we are on day 2 of his secret being exposed), but I don’t want to do anything to push us apart again. I know I can’t go another year or even six months of feeling like I need to hunt something down. It’s crazy how spot on your gut is when your spouse is lying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> You’re right. All of that makes sense, especially the point with boundaries. I think I am struggling to balance my own healing and anger about what has been withheld from me and trying to be a good support/partner. I do think it got out of hand and this wasn’t his goal, but this is where we are now. I don’t want to resort to “stop being a child” since that will probably drive him back into secrecy.
> 
> I might reach out to a counselor for advice. I know he isn’t in a place to talk to someone yet (we are on day 2 of his secret being exposed), but I don’t want to do anything to push us apart again. I know I can’t go another year or even six months of feeling like I need to hunt something down. It’s crazy how spot on your gut is when your spouse is lying.


Thousands of years of survival instinct.

No, you don't want to tell him to stop being a child, but that's how he's been acting, like a kid hiding something from his mother. And for what? To avoid sex with a real live wife? Honestly, he cannot be oblivious about why he did that, and to me, it sounds passive-aggressive in the extreme. I mean, if there was some reason for it that came back to you, that you had any control over, he should have been a man and said so. If not, he should have taken it to the therapist or at least given you a heads up.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thousands of years of survival instinct.
> 
> No, you don't want to tell him to stop being a child, but that's how he's been acting, like a kid hiding something from his mother. And for what? To avoid sex with a real live wife? Honestly, he cannot be oblivious about why he did that, and to me, it sounds passive-aggressive in the extreme. I mean, if there was some reason for it that came back to you, that you had any control over, he should have been a man and said so. If not, he should have taken it to the therapist or at least given you a heads up.


I understand how it started. He was diagnosed with hypogonadism (low-t) when he was 24 but still struggled before for about 2 years. I finally forced him to get his blood work done. That is supposed to be your prime and we were robbed of it due to struggles finding a uro who would treat him. We are now approaching 30 for context (he just turned 30 and I am 29). That is so young to deal with a problem like this and I know it was a hit to his pride and masculinity. That isn’t an excuse, but it’s the facts. We would constantly fail when trying to be intimate and it just got worse. Two years ago he finally got on a better regemine and got his levels a bit higher but the confidence was still shot. It all boils down to being embarrassed and afraid of sexual failure. Porn is totally integrated into our culture and I think men struggle just as much as women do with expectations. Men are told they are less manly if they fail in the bedroom.

I say all of that because I really do get it. He didn’t go from being a great performer to suddenly not wanting me. I think this deeply hurt him and he needs to be rebuilt without being shamed. It was childish to hide it from me but I don’t think he felt like I would support him or be understanding. I’m happy he feels relief now that I know, but I don’t know where to go from here to rebuild. It can’t just end with “you caught me, now what.”


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just think since you were already aware of the problem from having supported him finding doctors for it before, he shouldn't have hid it from you. I realize all men with ED are covert. That's fine if you're not married, but since you were already aware, I don't see why he couldn't have kept you in the loop. I do understand not wanting to try and fail all the time, but exactly how much porn does a man have to watch and orgasm from to convince themselves they're recovering? At least he admits it just became an obsession. But I mean, that kind of just leaves you with a man with a porn problem, as if the ED wasn't bad enough.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Given he’s already lied about it he can’t really be trusted. He should willingly switch to a flip phone and you should move the family computer into the family room in front of a window so there is no way it can be used privately. I’d highly recommend you get filters in addition but understand if you aren’t knowledgeable on computers. Study up or hire someone.

I don’t agree with the whole “don’t shame him”. He should be ashamed. He’s lying and clicking on things so addiction or not it does have full consent of his will. The devices require him to click and serve that filth up. He’s decided to ignore you, commit adultery “in his heart”.. he should be ashamed and you should probably threaten to divorce him if he doesn’t do everything in his power to rise above this. I mean, this is an outright attack at the heart of your marriage. If he isn’t willing to fully commit (and you too)- he’ll likely just play along and go back to hiding it from you. So sorry.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The problem is he still may find it impossible to have sex with her. He may only be confident enough to masturbate to porn, but watching more porn isn't going to cure that. I think maybe the best transition into having real sex might be she jumps in on a porn session the first time when he's aroused and takes over, but it also might just totally freak him out.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d add that I think porn and masturbation is probably the leading cause of ED in men. The more a man trains himself for arousal using highly visual stimuli the less he will be able to be aroused by an actual flesh and blood woman. Any guy that has quit porn for any extended amount of time would agree with that.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I just think since you were already aware of the problem from having supported him finding doctors for it before, he shouldn't have hid it from you. I realize all men with ED are covert. That's fine if you're not married, but since you were already aware, I don't see why he couldn't have kept you in the loop. I do understand not wanting to try and fail all the time, but exactly how much porn does a man have to watch and orgasm from to convince themselves they're recovering? At least he admits it just became an obsession. But I mean, that kind of just leaves you with a man with a porn problem, as if the ED wasn't bad enough.


Uhg. Yeah, this is also true. I have always known and asked point blank frequently. And it was a lie he continued while watching it hurt me. It’s hard for me to accept he chose to keep going and basically tell me I am crazy/the problem for needling him.




CatholicDad said:


> Given he’s already lied about it he can’t really be trusted. He should willingly switch to a flip phone and you should move the family computer into the family room in front of a window so there is no way it can be used privately. I’d highly recommend you get filters in addition but understand if you aren’t knowledgeable on computers. Study up or hire someone.
> 
> I don’t agree with the whole “don’t shame him”. He should be ashamed. He’s lying and clicking on things so addiction or not it does have full consent of his will. The devices require him to click and serve that filth up. He’s decided to ignore you, commit adultery “in his heart”.. he should be ashamed and you should probably threaten to divorce him if he doesn’t do everything in his power to rise above this. I mean, this is an outright attack at the heart of your marriage. If he isn’t willing to fully commit (and you too)- he’ll likely just play along and go back to hiding it from you. So sorry.


I don’t feel confident that I can get him switched to a flip phone. We both have jobs where a smart phone is necessary and we both enjoy snap chat, Facebook, Instagram, etc. 

I think I am going to give us a few days to fool down and ride this reconnection high before I sit down and talk about it again. I agree I can’t just leave it. At minimum we need to agree on some sort of accountability app to begin rebuilding trust. I know there will be relapses but I deserve to know. Even if he got rid of the iPhone, he could still use our smart tv. I think self control and honesty has to be the key goal here.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is he still may find it impossible to have sex with her. He may only be confident enough to masturbate to porn, but watching more porn isn't going to cure that. I think maybe the best transition into having real sex might be she jumps in on a porn session the first time when he's aroused and takes over, but it also might just totally freak him out.


Oddly enough, since I caught him our sex life has been in overdrive. It initially was just me catching porn on his phone but then after more digging I found years worth two days later. He said he felt connected again and it scared the **** out of him thinking about what he stands to lose. Again, it all could be a lie, but he said he feels horrible but also feels free now that I know. I know we won’t maintain this newlywed feeing forever but I can’t deny enjoying it. So I know he is capable of sex now and it’s better than it’s ever been.







CatholicDad said:


> I’d add that I think porn and masturbation is probably the leading cause of ED in men. The more a man trains himself for arousal using highly visual stimuli the less he will be able to be aroused by an actual flesh and blood woman. Any guy that has quit porn for any extended amount of time would agree with that.


He agrees the porn added to the ED and somewhat changed it. He went from a true medical cause to it being mental and probably a little bit of desensitization from so much manual release. I don’t want to talk to him about the content (I didn’t dig after finding it all to preserve my own sanity), but he admits he watched everything under the sun and it wasn’t even exciting anymore. I do believe that he missed our connection both emotionally and physically, otherwise I would leave.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

T


DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is he still may find it impossible to have sex with her. He may only be confident enough to masturbate to porn, but watching more porn isn't going to cure that. I think maybe the best transition into having real sex might be she jumps in on a porn session the first time when he's aroused and takes over, but it also might just totally freak him out.


This “jumping in” idea is so pathetic. It’s like a total surrender “you’re a liar dear hubby, but I’m so desperate for your affection I’ll do anything to please you”. I wouldn’t stoop down to his level... make him rise up to yours.

I think if he quit whacking off for a month he’d understand why males of other species will fight to the death over mating rights. I mean, why do you think bulls/roosters/rams/bucks are so pissed off all the time?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d give up my iPhone, SmartTV- anything if my wife was threatening to divorce me over porn. I’d do it just to prove myself... I’d be back to reading books and fishing.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> I’d give up my iPhone, SmartTV- anything if my wife was threatening to divorce me over porn. I’d do it just to prove myself... I’d be back to reading books and fishing.


I need to think about it. I am still in a fog and sometimes forget throughout the day that we are dealing with this. I’m trying to start with an app and see where it goes. I think he needs time to process as well. His mother is an addict and his brother is as well to the point of being in prison. I may be pleasantly surprised by the conversation.

I will strike it up tomorrow. We had the main explosion Saturday at 3am and I needed time to clean my head. I already said I am here for him and am hesitant to back peddle and threaten divorce if he falls short. I just want him to do his best and be honest. I don’t expect perfection starting day 1, but I’d like him to at least acknowledge that it’s an addiction (which he did) and that this requires work.

Speaking of the intimacy, this wasn’t initiated out of desperation or by myself. It was natural and brought on by him and I personally needed to feel desired and “chosen” for me to have the strength to go down this road. I am also human.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is he still may find it impossible to have sex with her. He may only be confident enough to masturbate to porn, but watching more porn isn't going to cure that. I think maybe the best transition into having real sex might be she jumps in on a porn session the first time when he's aroused and takes over, but it also might just totally freak him out.


I didn’t see your jumping in suggestion. I offered it and he said he already feels gross and needs to be away from it entirely. That leads me to believe the content was probably way more than your typical video.

With that being said - I’ve watched porn with a partner before and found it to be super exciting. But neither of us had any sort of sexual issues and it was more of a “let’s do this and copy cat”. It was fun. But I guess not appropriate in this situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, that's too bad. I do think that's what a lot of men on this board would recommend, but hey, if he's watching really "out there" stuff, as so many men do wade into, then nuh-uh. I mean, if it turns out that's the only situations he can be aroused in, well, that may be as much the original problem as low T.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, that's too bad. I do think that's what a lot of men on this board would recommend, but hey, if he's watching really "out there" stuff, as so many men do wade into, then nuh-uh. I mean, if it turns out that's the only situations he can be aroused in, well, that may be as much the original problem as low T.


I am sure I would be mortified since he is two years into the addiction. I did find a way to block sites at the router level but unfortunately we have ATT and they do not have blocker controls. That really pisses me off given that all other services have it.

It would really give me piece of mind right now knowing it’s blocked. It’s one thing if he needs a release, but the videos need to go away.

I am for sure scared this sudden rise in hot intimacy will go away once the dust settles. But I’m seeing the issue here is with him and not me...so he has decisions to make.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Side note - I did figure out how to login to our WiFi router history. I will give it a few weeks and check it to see if he actually stuck with honesty.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> It obviously hurts knowing this is a bigger issue. I just want my marriage to be healthy, but no it hasn’t ever been something that has made me happy. We have good times together but the lack of emotional and physical connection is so hard. On top of it all I’d consider myself a very sexual person with very few boundaries....which makes this hurt more. I know I don’t understand porn very well. I get it’s a lazy outlet but it’s hard to understand why he is choosing that over a sexually enthusiastic partner. I guess I am trying to pin his secret shame on all of the other bad stuff too.


DO NOT let seeing his compulsive use of porn as an addiction cause you to make it somehow more acceptable and manageable for you. That is NO EXCUSE. And it's also possible that he's NOT addicted at all, except to gratifying himself. Your other posts make him sound very selfish - maybe THAT is what the problem is, that he doesn't like telling himself NO. Labeling something "an addiction" SHOULD NOT make it any more acceptable - it should only change how HE manages it. You need to have a policy of Never Again, if this is an important issue for you, no matter what reason he has for doing it.



moulinyx said:


> He says he does but it’s hard to hear it after the deep lies. For years I’ve begged and asked questions....and now I am disgusted with myself for stooping down to the level of snooping I did. And then even more disgusted by what I found (the content was normal but the frequency and timing is a gut punch).


NOPE. You have NO reason to feel bad about yourself for "snooping" -- I call it, "finding the truth", which is your only recourse when you have a lying, blame-shifting, gaslighting toddler for a spouse. If he had the courage to be a real man (and adult), you wouldn't have found ANYTHING.

Be disgusted with HIM. He betrayed you on SO many levels.

I want to say that the whole tone of your posts concerns me as far as you having ANY grasp of what you are dealing with, because you clearly DO NOT. Your ONLY chance at getting through this (and HIS only chance) is if you include marriage counseling with someone who understands porn/sex addictions. So I really hope you plan on making that a priority for you both.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> I am sure I would be mortified since he is two years into the addiction. I did find a way to block sites at the router level but unfortunately we have ATT and they do not have blocker controls. That really pisses me off given that all other services have it.
> 
> It would really give me piece of mind right now knowing it’s blocked. It’s one thing if he needs a release, but the videos need to go away.
> 
> I am for sure scared this sudden rise in hot intimacy will go away once the dust settles. But I’m seeing the issue here is with him and not me...so he has decisions to make.


Most providers have parental controls. That would do it but might limit you both some way.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

That's him.
You should make him be himself. 
More and more you show it that you are feel sad and uncomfortable he will notice that.

Why not go and talk him
"What type of porn r u watch? Do u want watch with me?

Make him feel comfortable. 
Then he will slowly be thankful for u that u understand him


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Yoni said:


> That's him.
> You should make him be himself.
> More and more you show it that you are feel sad and uncomfortable he will notice that.
> 
> ...


I suggested this when I called him out. He said he hates it and wants to be done with it entirely. He knows how upset I am about our lack of intimacy and feeling like we arent even friends. It was nearly a weekly fight which made me feel even more rejected.




DownByTheRiver said:


> Most providers have parental controls. That would do it but might limit you both some way.


I finally installed something for our WiFi but I need him to agree to a blocker through ATT. The DNS blocker works if he is on WiFi but I can’t block what he is doing off of WiFi. I think at minimum he should agree to this.

Thank you all for your replies. It’s been so stressful and I can’t talk to anyone about this. I plan on having another talk tomorrow to set ground rules and a plan. Otherwise I need to cut my losses and leave if he can’t take this seriously. I feel so much rage about losing out on three years of happiness, though I’m sure this has been going on for longer while I am over here suffering.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hang in there.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> T
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maybe because they don't have opposable thumbs...And unlike human's they are "allowed" to put their peckers in any female that they can overpower...what a concept, right??,...Additionally, many species of animals masturbate....I am sure their creator is shaming them right now, as we speak....

I pass those billboards for Burger King every day, showing the delicious and juicy burger that I can get by stopping by the place....How convenient...But I know that it will eventually kill me to put that crap in my body, so I exhibit some _self control and discipline _and don't do it....

The thinking that you need to police a grown ass man(who happens to be your husband) and ride herd over him like a delinquent child over this has to be the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard..and that's saying a lot....Set ground rules over this ?? What kind of adult would do this or let this become part of their relationship? And what type of man submits to it??? Putting "parental locks" on devices like you would for a child? pffft...ridiculous....

Don't get me wrong here...I am in no way saying you should live with it, If you think he can't control himself, then move the eff on with your life...I didn't read the other threads, but it sounds like a dead horse is getting beat on...

Guys will rarely tell a woman that they have little or no sexual attraction to them...Why? because they know its gonna be such a devastating proclamation, that you can never walk back...So why then would he stay in the marriage?? Who knows.? Maybe he likes other things about you and the marriage, ,and/or is just lazy.....So instead of moving on, he found a way to compartmentalize that aspect of his life...Guys are adept at compartmentalization...and many are conflict avoidant as well...

*For many guys, no amount of pornography will affect how they feel about a woman that *_*they are truly attracted to sexually.*_.. Anti porn Nazi's can't seemingly grasp this... If I am reading this correctly, you are attempting to force him to do what he won't do on his own, with the hope or thinking that you can "create some type of desire" by way of sheer deprivation? Sounds like a blast.....


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Maybe because they don't have opposable thumbs...And unlike human's they are "allowed" to put their peckers in any female that they can overpower...what a concept, right??,...Additionally, many species of animals masturbate....I am sure their creator is shaming them right now, as we speak....
> 
> I pass those billboards for Burger King every day, showing the delicious and juicy burger that I can get by stopping by the place....How convenient...But I know that it will eventually kill me to put that crap in my body, so I exhibit some _self control and discipline _and don't do it....
> 
> ...


I get your perspective but I think this is the only way I can fathom staying in the marriage. As I’ve said in other replies, I don’t have an issue with porn. I have an issue with his compulsive jerking off multiple times in a day to the point that we can’t have a love life. Even though he has been wanting another baby for the last two years. While I’m over here prepping for IVF because he just can’t handle sex, he’s secretly beating off. It’s enraging. There’s so many things that are enraging and I guess I am not feeling as calm as I had in the previous replies.

I feel like at minimum he should put blockers on his phone to stop he addictive behavior. He is a very compulsive and obsessive person who has the tendency to form habits that could quickly lead to something more.

But I do feel the same way you do. Why do I have to be the one to establish any of this? It should be him fighting to keep me after years of neglect. You aren’t missing anything not reading the other threads. They are pretty bad.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

WHEW!

My husband saw I added a content blocker to our phone service via email. I did not add it to our phones yet since there’s a pairing process, yet he had the nerve to get angry and say I am treating him like a child. This service through ATT literally only filters out websites and we already share our locations per his request. He says it’s for safety but I’m sure it’s his porn countdown.

Anyways, I am feeling less confident about us moving on from this. He still thinks he can just “quit” and doesn’t understand why the trust is lost. He lied for years. INTRICATE lies along with our other various marital issues. We are supposed to discuss this all tomorrow again but I am already back to feeling like I am trying for no reason.

What a waste.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> So how should I go about bringing this up? I don’t think he can win this battle without talking about it. He said he’s agreed to come to me when he has an “urge”, but he has a lot of free time alone at the house. I don’t want to feel like I constantly have to be available to come home (I don’t work from an office so my schedule is flexible) to keep him from turning to porn. Again, he says he won’t but there’s zero repercussion or way for me to trust that he won’t.
> 
> He has a boudoir book from our wedding four years ago with plenty of content....which he said he used frequently in the beginning. I just want at minimum the lusting over pornstars to end. I can’t compete with that.
> 
> So if he isn’t afraid or embarrassed to talk about it, that makes the urge to view go away?


In my opinion men use porn as an "escape mechanism" from stress. Also keep in mind that boredom can be considered a form of stress. It is so easy and rewarding that it tends to form a habit. When you add guilt and shame on top of this behavior it spirals out of control. 

It seems as though your husband at least has a history of being able to talk about it at some point and you have been caring towards his personal and private space by gifting him a boudoir book. You probably don't want him coming to you every time he has an "urge" as you want to talk to him about differentiating his urges. For example does he have an urge because he wants to connect with you, or does he have an urge because he feels stressed? Those are two very different urges. If you try and emotionally connect with him when he is under stress, it is going to be a rather unsettling experience as you will likely experience his stress in the process. So those urges he needs to try and self sooth first (via a healthy choice of activities for an option like exercise or enjoying something creative). Or if he wants you to help, you could engage in some other form of soothing behavior like a back rub and THEN have sex if he still has an urge. 

Sometimes and urge is an urge that needs attention regardless of what is driving it (stress, hormones, whatever). Obviously you don't want him turning to a porn star in the event you are not available as you would prefer that he think of you. A lot of research suggests that porn is about "novelty" and discovering something new or different. Unfortunately porn delivers this novelty in the form of different body shapes, sizes, and attributes, but this search for novelty can take on a much more healthy role. One possible way to remove shame is to talk about a need for discovering erotic novelty as if it is a positive attribute, and ask him to try and devote this energy towards the relationship. Ask him to research and discover new and different novelties that he would like to explore with you as a couple. This could include toys, lubes, clothing, furniture, positions, "herbs," and other things. As long as he enjoys the idea of it being something that you two could explore later as a couple and then encourage him to be free fantasizing about that. That is the type of thing that will serve to pull him towards you. Perhaps he may look at some porn in the process, but now it may be to see if an idea seems viable and what happened when another couple tried something similar. 

If he can devote his energy for each time he has an urge in this manner, he may come up with all sorts of ideas to try. Some of them you may not like, but keep in mind that such ideas can be very useful for mild role playing by just talking about them. I recall one wife that discovered her husband's fantasy (that he would normally turn to porn to facilitate) and she replaced porn by improvising an idea of a porn scene and she would describe it verbally to her husband as a form of foreplay. The only problem was that this got him too excited and the fun was over before it started. My point here is that this particular fantasy was something the wife would never do in real life, but all she had to do was playfully _talk_ about this doing this fantasy as a mild form of pretend role play. 

Back to the boudoir book. Perhaps you could offer to gradually update the content based on some ideas he would like to see (like lingerie that he buys for you, but you make him wait for seeing it in person and only allow a small preview photo for a certain amount of time). 

At the end of the day urges are a form of energy. Try to get him to do something positive and fun with that energy during the moments he is alone so that he can enjoy thinking of something enjoyable for you both in the future. 

Seems like I am rambling, but hope that helps. 

Badsanta


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think blocking porn isn’t about control it’s more about removing the impulse so that he can strengthen his willpower to overcome it. I think it takes time (years really) for a man to learn positive ways to deal with sexual frustration... his way of jumping on porn and masturbating is NOT the healthy way to deal with it. It’s sinful, damaging to the marriage, and just sad really. Men have to grow up and learn self control and also how to become more intimate with their wives... men SHOULD desire to keep their relationships with their wives solid so that sex sort of flows naturally as part of that. I think blocking porn might allow his to learn to recover and hopefully will direct him back into the marriage!

I think any time a man steps out of the marriage to satisfy himself- it does some harm either to himself (his own dignity) OR his wife (loss of intimacy).

I’d think if hubby got educated about how the porn industry is FILLED with so much abuse, trafficking... I think any man would be glad to escape it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> I’d think if hubby got educated about how the porn industry is FILLED with so much abuse, trafficking... I think any man would be glad to escape it.


For those with a long history of watching porn, it is like informing them that "added sugar" in snacks is bad for your health. Behaviors around junk food and porn tend to run parallel. 

You have confronted your husband about porn and as a result sex got better. This is like confronting someone about junk food and at the same time offering something much healthier and natural to eat that is actually rewarding. 

The question then becomes how to prevent someone from sliding back into junk food. You don't focus on how unhealthy the junk food is, but focus more on how much better you feel after consuming something that is actually healthy for you. Then you pursue some novel healthy items to consume that are different and stimulating. Everyone will slip up and consume something unhealthy from time to time, but the more educated they are about how to make healthy decisions and how much better that feels as a result, it becomes easier and easier to do the right thing.

That is a much better approach in my opinion. I could sit down and educate someone for hours about how some junk food industries used forced labor and traffic migrant workers in foreign countries. This is actually true for how much of the world's chocolate is produced. But I doubt that will stop you from eating your favorite fudge brownie ice cream snack when you need something bad. Instead if you have to snack on locally grown fruits you will find yourself with a much more enjoyable treat. Seriously, take the family apple picking in an orchard one day and make an apple pie afterwards. It will taste unbelievable knowing you picked the apple from the tree yourself and had a fun time doing it as opposed to eating one out of a cardboard box from the frozen food isle that was sourced who knows where using who knows what type of labor. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

badsanta said:


> For those with a long history of watching porn, it is like informing them that "added sugar" in snacks is bad for your health. Behaviors around junk food and porn tend to run parallel.
> 
> You have confronted your husband about porn and as a result sex got better. This is like confronting someone about junk food and at the same time offering something much healthier and natural to eat that is actually rewarding.
> 
> ...


I kind of agree except eating junk food isn’t sinful, it doesn’t destroy trust or intimacy in marriage, and people aren’t being abused/trafficked/exploited when you are indulging in it. Big difference.

I’d say if hubby isn’t sorrowful or contrite that he has wasted years of marital intimacy and isn’t willing to fully make amends and throw out the porn- I’d suggest she immediately go talk to a priest about a marriage annulment and then a lawyer.

I’d think this a good basis for an annulment given that hubby seems to have been behaving like he is NOT married for years and perhaps for the entire marriage. I think she should save the porn use data to present in court as well.

I hope every wife being replaced by porn (especially if they don’t have kids) would do the same... maybe men like this would wake up.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> I kind of agree except eating junk food isn’t sinful, it doesn’t destroy trust or intimacy in marriage, and people aren’t being abused/trafficked/exploited when you are indulging in it. Big difference.


Everyone reading here has likely eaten a bar of chocolate that was made with forced labor from children that were the victims of human trafficking and locked up at night. 



https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2020/12/01/cocoa-supreme-court-child-labor/



My point for the OP is that such behaviors and atrocities are part of human behavior almost everywhere once you look close enough. The question to reflect on is one of asking oneself is how to heal, forgive, and better ourselves. Forgiveness does not equate to condoning someone else's bad/harmful actions, but it is about finding a path to move forwards and learn from our mistakes.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Our discussion did not go well.

Our marriage is over. He was enraged and resistant about porn being blocked through our cell carrier. Didn’t even let me finish that we’d have the controls on a shared device. I’m realizing I can’t fix this for him and he isn’t ready to try or give it up.

I said a bunch of horrible things (shaming about the porn, ED issues) after storming out of the room when he once again resisted the app and said he doesn’t need help. He has no regard or respect for me and doesn’t care that a blocker is one tiny thing that would give me comfort. Why fight If you are “cured”? That resulted in him breaking a ton of things around the house, packing up our two year old’s things in preparation to pick him up from day and refusing to tell me where they were going, and saying he’s pity ****ed me for years. He took my phone and my keys and threatened to erase the pictures of our son of I came out of my office.

I am so disappointed. I called my dad when I thought he left in total hysterics (I never tell anyone our problems, but I thought he took our son). Turns out he was standing on the other side of the door and tried to act all calm and collected as if he was yes telling me to deal with my “bad ***** decisions” as he walked out the door with our son. His outburst was absolutely insane and I don’t even care to type it all out.

He’s begging for therapy now but has yet to make any effort to look them up and still doesn’t have a porn blocker on his phone.

All in all I am still an idiot and at the end of the day I let him behave this way. Rereading my posts on here makes me sick. Maybe now I will have the strength to accept I am on my way to being a single mom at 29.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m so sorry. It’s sort of incredible he’s complaining about your decisions... If he doesn’t want a blocker he could always go back to a flip phone- seems super fair.

I’d try to keep your cool- the hurtful comments aren’t helpful. I think you should just express that if he can’t be devoted to you and demonstrate his commitment to give porn up- it’s probably not an actual marriage anyway. So sorry...

Edited to add that you’re actually paying him the highest compliment. You love him enough that you want all of him.. you’re not willing to give up even 1% of him to his fantasy porn lovers. Ultimately this is a love story in which you want him 100% but he’s only willing to give you part of himself in return.

He’s got to realize also that porn has damaged him to the point that he’s now only marginally attracted to THE 29 year old woman that HE married...without healing from porn he certainly won’t be more attracted at 39 or 49.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> Why fight If you are “cured”?


Because simply people(especially adults) don't like to be that controlled by others...No one I know would be ok with that....No one...

The way I see it is your marriage is broken on an intimacy/sexual level....Did the porn break it? I doubt it very highly....The porn became his way of dealing with that broken part of the marriage...

What you are attempting to do is almost like having an untrainable and vicious dog, and rather than getting rid of the dog, trying to figure out the best fence or best way to just keep him in your yard...Great...now he won't kill anyone on the street, but you still have the problem...

If you don't believe me, if there was some way that you actually could take away the porn from this guy I bet any amount of money he won't have any more sex with you than he does now...Perhaps even less(or none)....That was the problem you needed to get to the bottom of, IMO....(Why doesn't he want to have sex with you or be intimate) 

Him "begging for therapy" is pure gaslighting on his part...That's why he did nothing about it...So you are at the proverbial "Mexican Standoff"..(can we still use that term?)....You are reluctant to face the fact that your marriage is likely damaged beyond repair sexually, , and he's too chicken shyt to do something about the fact that he's not sexually into you any more or has some sort of hang up...


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Because simply people(especially adults) don't like to be that controlled by others...No one I know would be ok with that....No one...
> 
> The way I see it is your marriage is broken on an intimacy/sexual level....Did the porn break it? I doubt it very highly....The porn became his way of dealing with that broken part of the marriage...
> 
> ...


The porn started due to his low testosterone and subsequent drop in confidence. He has addictive tendencies and it spiraled out of control. I do believe he was attracted to me but I did not cause his turning to porn. It was his choice to lie and hide while disregarding our lack of connection after years of being romantically involved in porn. So yeah - I think a way to block the porn if that’s what it takes to bring rebuilding is a minor ask.

I firmly believe he is addicted but he isn’t ready to get help. I can’t give him what porn gives him...no one can. And the only reason it’s a fight is due to the damage it has done regarding our relationship.

You’re right though. Sex will go right back to being sparse or he will find something else to get sucked into.






CatholicDad said:


> I’m so sorry. It’s sort of incredible he’s complaining about your decisions... If he doesn’t want a blocker he could always go back to a flip phone- seems super fair.
> 
> I’d try to keep your cool- the hurtful comments aren’t helpful. I think you should just express that if he can’t be devoted to you and demonstrate his commitment to give porn up- it’s probably not an actual marriage anyway. So sorry...
> 
> ...


He still maintains the stance of “men watch porn” and disregards that he replaced me entirely. Again, I wouldn’t care about occasional use if we still had a healthy bond. But we don’t and because of the damage I can’t see myself ever being okay with it.

Actions speak louder than words and I need to stop living in a fantasy and acknowledge that he is showing me how he feels regardless of what is said.

I am not perfect and regret the hurtful comments. I feel like I’ve come unhinged and just wanted a reaction then threw out anything I could to make him hurt the way I do. I am not proud of it but I felt it was important to include my role in the explosive fight.

He can go ahead and watch four years of marriage crumble and I will work on rebuilding myself a healthy life. I just need to get through my irrational dread of being “unmarried” and realize this isn’t a life I will miss.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

A few more thoughts. I know a very successful man (self made millionaire business owner and father) that replaced his iPhone with a flip phone recently because he wanted to be deliberate in how he spent his time and was against the addictive nature of phones always taking him away from his family. I’m also thinking of the same once my mobile contract is up. So, men do cut the cord so to speak and not just because of porn. If I had a problem with porn I’d throw out my phone immediately).

Second thought is that the Catholic Church is probably the most pro marriage institution on the planet but I’m convinced you could probably get an annulment given that your husband has for years been behaving like he is not married.

A couple decades ago when I was a porn viewer I went through a phase of losing attraction for my wife and porn encouraged me to try more and more extreme things for fulfillment. Most of these things were very visual in nature and seemed more about my pleasure than hers... just sort of selfish and icky (without sharing too many details). Within few years of rooting porn out of my life I found myself more attracted to my wife than ever (I.e not comparing her to a fantasy) and I learned that many things can be arousing (not just visual stimuli) such as her touch, taste, and smell. I think it took a few years for my brain to heal and rewrite itself. I feel sorry for men trapped in porn that never experience this. I’m not sure a husband can fully appreciate his wife with porn as a “crutch”- kind of like you could never learn to run when on crutches. Not only that, but basically men weren’t really meant to be sexually satisfied all of the time. I think it very, very normal and healthy for men to practice self control at times, learn to deal with a little sexual frustration in healthy ways, and basically divert all of their sexual energy towards their wife (think this is what God intended).

All this said, I think hubby could overcome this, heal from it, and become the man he was meant to be. I certainly think he’s dealing with a problem that all men face these days. I had the Church and several good priests that helped me realize what I was doing was morally wrong and I had the sacrament of confession to bolster my fortitude to overcome it... don’t know if your husband has all these advantages. Again, so sorry you’re going through all of this but at least you learned the truth. It’s much easier to recover from this at 29, then 39, or 49.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> I will work on rebuilding myself a healthy life.


Regardless of the path that your husband chooses, that is definitely the best for you. Perhaps he follows along, but likely not.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I guess it’s time for an update here.

The last three weeks have been rough. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to shake this feeling of betrayal after four years of this secret. While I agree pornography is not the same as cheating, it makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking of the various excuses/lies he w

Two weeks ago my husband initiated another conversation to come clean about a handful of lies he has been keeping. None of these were infidelity related but it still confirmed my overall feeling of being disrespected and not treated as a person with value.

We have counseling scheduled for this coming Thursday with a very tough, in your face type of therapist. I saw him a week ago and it was a great session to help rebuild my own self worth.

At this point I am just worried my marriage will always be luke warm and lack passion. Am I naive to blame porn for lack of passion? Or is it more likely that my husband is just a low drive guy without interest in anything adventurous? I know this is something I would leave the marriage over on top of our shattered trust. I also can’t imagine having more children with him given his inability to support me through anything difficult thus far in our marriage.

Side note - I calmed down and never brought up a porn blocking app again. I agree it is way too much and if I feel the need to have parental controls then the writing is on the wall. I do still feel weird while I am away at work but at this point he knows what he stands to lose.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> We have counseling scheduled for this coming Thursday with a very tough, in your face type of therapist. *I saw him a week ago and it was a great session to help rebuild my own self worth.*


I think this is where your prime focus needs to be. 

Forget about him and your marriage for the moment. Let the cards fall, so to speak. 

Nurture yourself at this point.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also.... ((((( big virtual hugs )))))


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s difficult for me to believe anyone likes porn that much. It seems like there may be more to it than that but I’m not a professional.

I suspect if you were able to snap your fingers and there was no more porn in your life things still wouldn’t be great.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> I think this is where your prime focus needs to be.
> 
> Forget about him and your marriage for the moment. Let the cards fall, so to speak.
> 
> Nurture yourself at this point.


I completely agree. I know I haven’t felt like the best version of myself after the years of rejection. I’ve really enjoyed focusing on myself, which also led to getting back into fitness and eating clean. I am noticing improvements and it’s nice knowing I did it for myself and not to get my husband’s attention.




ccpowerslave said:


> It’s difficult for me to believe anyone likes porn that much. It seems like there may be more to it than that but I’m not a professional.
> 
> I suspect if you were able to snap your fingers and there was no more porn in your life things still wouldn’t be great.


I also agree. I know women are wired a bit different but I think porn would make me sad, personally. Why would I want to watch people do what I am wanting from an actual person? It’s beyond me.

My husband is now being over the top attentive but I know this isn’t sustainable. My love language is physical touch....I don’t need constant acts of service and attention. I am hoping MC helps me communicate this because he seems to think intimacy means 24/7 attention.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> I completely agree. I know I haven’t felt like the best version of myself after the years of rejection. I’ve really enjoyed focusing on myself, which also led to getting back into fitness and eating clean. I am noticing improvements and it’s nice knowing I did it for myself and not to get my husband’s attention.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your quote about watching other people have sex when you should be doing it instead is what made me quit and go nofap.

I am the sexual pursuer in my relationship and I was using it instead of dealing with my sexual distancing partner so it’s not really your situation.

I never understood the folks in your position where the LL partner has no trouble doing themselves in the basement with their computer screen but won’t go with an enthusiastic partner. The only thing I can think of in this case is they’re LL4U or they have some kind of mental disorder.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Your quote about watching other people have sex when you should be doing it instead is what made me quit and go nofap.
> 
> I am the sexual pursuer in my relationship and I was using it instead of dealing with my sexual distancing partner so it’s not really your situation.
> 
> I never understood the folks in your position where the LL partner has no trouble doing themselves in the basement with their computer screen but won’t go with an enthusiastic partner. The only thing I can think of in this case is they’re LL4U or they have some kind of mental disorder.


I would totally understand if I were rejecting him...but that wasn’t the case at all. He admitted to watching porn the second I’d leave for work even though I’d try to initiate or hint I had a free lunch hour. Then he goes on and on about it just being easier/less work on his end. Our typical session is between 10-15 minutes if I am being generous....I find it hard to believe that is too physically strenuous for a young, fit man. It’s still hard not to think he just doesn’t enjoy sex with me and that’s why he turned to porn.

I know he’d never admit that since my only option would be to leave and find a compatible partner.

What does LL4U stand for?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> I would totally understand if I were rejecting him...but that wasn’t the case at all. He admitted to watching porn the second I’d leave for work even though I’d try to initiate or hint I had a free lunch hour. Then he goes on and on about it just being easier/less work on his end. Our typical session is between 10-15 minutes if I am being generous....I find it hard to believe that is too physically strenuous for a young, fit man. It’s still hard not to think he just doesn’t enjoy sex with me and that’s why he turned to porn.
> 
> I know he’d never admit that since my only option would be to leave and find a compatible partner.
> 
> What does LL4U stand for?


LL4U means “low libido for you”.

So the thought experiment I use is, if your partner left your relationship and started a new one and had NRE (new relationship energy) would they be having sex more than they are now and by how much? If the answer is a lot, then to me this suggests a LL4U situation rather than just LL.

I am pushing 50 and my ideal frequency would be twice a day. So a young man in that shape I can’t understand.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> LL4U means “low libido for you”.
> 
> So the thought experiment I use is, if your partner left your relationship and started a new one and had NRE (new relationship energy) would they be having sex more than they are now and by how much? If the answer is a lot, then to me this suggests a LL4U situation rather than just LL.
> 
> I am pushing 50 and my ideal frequency would be twice a day. So a young man in that shape I can’t understand.


Oh I see.

Yeah I honestly do not think he would. Though who knows? Maybe the spark is just gone. He says everyday is “unhealthy”.....which is hilarious and sad to me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is lazy and self-centered. He shouldn't be married and hasn't earned the title of husband. Does he have a job?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is lazy and self-centered. He shouldn't be married and hasn't earned the title of husband. Does he have a job?


Yes he is a police officer. In all other aspects he is high energy and very goal driven but for whatever reason he is not that way towards me.

Part of me thinks he only married me because he thought that was just the next step. I can say whole heartedly I would have already left if we did not have a child together. Counseling is my last ditch effort to see if things in our marriage can get to a level that I would be satisfied with before making other arrangements.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> Part of me thinks he only married me because he thought that was just the next step. I can say whole heartedly I would have already left if we did not have a child together. Counseling is my last ditch effort to see if things in our marriage can get to a level that I would be satisfied with before making other arrangements.


I've read other posts by you before I read this thread. It surprises me to hear what you're saying, because I think you really have things together a lot better than you think you do. Either by yourself or with aid of a marriage counselor, decide what YOU want for YOU. Draw up a step-by-step plan that will get you there. Work the plan. The plan may have to have two paths -- one with him and one without him. You may determine that the path with him is too much trouble. Life is way too short to be miserable when you have a choice.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Sfort said:


> I've read other posts by you before I read this thread. It surprises me to hear what you're saying, because I think you really have things together a lot better than you think you do. Either by yourself or with aid of a marriage counselor, decide what YOU want for YOU. Draw up a step-by-step plan that will get you there. Work the plan. The plan may have to have two paths -- one with him and one without him. You may determine that the path with him is too much trouble. Life is way too short to be miserable when you have a choice.


Thank you for this response! I am trying my best to stick to my plan and realize my goal needs to be happiness and not necessarily to safe my married. While I do love my husband, I agree we only have one life and it is ridiculous to waste it on a miserable situation.

We have completed our first session and things seem to be improving. I just hope trust can be rebuilt.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> We have completed our first session and things seem to be improving. I just hope trust can be rebuilt.


And I hope so, as well. There's an old saying that I just realized I haven't seen mentioned much on this forum, and it's extremely important and accurate. "Don't confuse habit with love." We all do it. Life is better when we learn the difference and act accordingly.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Surprisingly enough we have competed a month of couples therapy and it has help get us to a better place. I still struggle with trust and the feeling of betrayal, but I don’t feel the need to discuss it every day.

I have decided I am going to revisit how I feel in three months. I am having a hard time letting go of the resentment I have towards my husband. The porn hurt, but the biggest betrayal was him carrying on this lie while we were on fertility treatment for two years. I understand this is a real problem/addiction, but it is so screwed up that he hid this big thing from me. It’s hard to imagine being comfortable enough to be pregnant again!

I worry that I will always feel this bit of mistrust towards him after all of the lies.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> I worry that I will always feel this bit of mistrust towards him after all of the lies.


Glad to hear some positive news and that therapy might be helping. 

Perhaps an interesting perspective would be trying to understand "why" your husband tells you lies regarding his porn use. If you can get a firm grasp on that, it may provide a way to work towards more improvement. Here are some possibilities:

He worries that his porn use will upset you and he lies to "protect" the relationship (your therapist can easily talk about why this is so problematic). 
He is ashamed of the porn he watched and doesn't want you to know the topic he was viewing (may include some sexual orientations that are not heterosexual).
 and so on...


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

badsanta said:


> Glad to hear some positive news and that therapy might be helping.
> 
> Perhaps an interesting perspective would be trying to understand "why" your husband tells you lies regarding his porn use. If you can get a firm grasp on that, it may provide a way to work towards more improvement. Here are some possibilities:
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response!

We have discussed this topic and continue to. I know there was a lot of shame, especially since we had been trying to conceive for two years. The porn was so out of control that he couldn’t maintain an erection, so that is also embarrassing for him.

I did thoroughly look through the browsing history before I confronted him and did not see anything startling outside of the frequency and amount of videos he was viewing.

At the end of the day I just want to be released from this feeling of wondering if I am being lied to constantly. Broken trust has to be the worst part of this whole situation. I wish he would have just maintained a normal amount of porn use rather than totally replacing me. Now it is forever going to be something I wonder about.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> We have discussed this topic and continue to. I know there was a lot of shame, especially since we had been trying to conceive for two years. The porn was so out of control that he couldn’t maintain an erection, so that is also embarrassing for him.


...another thought given that he was dealing with shame and embarrassment. You may also want to confront his emotions on having a child. When it comes to this topic, many have an unrealistic fear of failure. That may be worrying about failing as a parent. Having a child that becomes a failure in life. Worrying that society may fail at not provide a good opportunity for creating a new life. 

If your husband lies to you, he very well could be lying about his true feelings about having a child and doing his best to try and just conform to society's expectations. 

I mention this dynamic as it was discussed in a psychology book as an area that tends to create a lot of issues in the bedroom. Even the therapist that wrote the book himself struggled with it and suggests using oral sex as a way to reconnect sexually while working on emotional issues related to getting pregnant. If this is the case it is likely your husband would gravitate towards non-fertile categories of porn like various forms of outercourse such as oral, hands, and feet. These categories would allow him to fantasize in a way that avoids pregnancy.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

badsanta said:


> ...another thought given that he was dealing with shame and embarrassment. You may also want to confront his emotions on having a child. When it comes to this topic, many have an unrealistic fear of failure. That may be worrying about failing as a parent. Having a child that becomes a failure in life. Worrying that society may fail at not provide a good opportunity for creating a new life.
> 
> If your husband lies to you, he very well could be lying about his true feelings about having a child and doing his best to try and just conform to society's expectations.
> 
> I mention this dynamic as it was discussed in a psychology book as an area that tends to create a lot of issues in the bedroom. Even the therapist that wrote the book himself struggled with it and suggests using oral sex as a way to reconnect sexually while working on emotional issues related to getting pregnant. If this is the case it is likely your husband would gravitate towards non-fertile categories of porn like various forms of outercourse such as oral, hands, and feet. These categories would allow him to fantasize in a way that avoids pregnancy.


I agree with you here. We have a 3 year old son and it was oddly enough his idea to start trying for number two. It still is the most confusing part of this whole situation. He pressured me into trying, but then would only be able to successfully have sex maybe twice a month due to ED. This is clearly because of the porn/masterbation since it hasn’t been an issue over the last month. 

He continues to bring up the issue and asks how long I need before I will feel safe to try again. I think it’s really hard to answer! I also agree he gets very wrapped up in society’s expectations rather than doing what he really wants. Our therapist identified this quality in counseling so I’d say that was a break through. It also makes me feel sad for him that he feels so ruled by everyone else’s idea of what his life should look like. That is an awful way to live.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> I also agree he gets very wrapped up in society’s expectations rather than doing what he really wants. Our therapist identified this quality in counseling so I’d say that was a break through.


When it comes to society's expectations, it is often immediate family and peers that hold a great deal of power for that influence. For example think about your husband's career choices. Did he make those choices on his own or was he influenced to make those choices by family? An interesting example I know is a son that the parents wanted him to become a doctor. He went to medical school for many years. It took the family almost a decade to discover that the son had not gone to medical school but was just pocketing the money and keeping up appearances as if he was in college that whole time. Now think about why someone would do that. What did the son have to gain by pretending and maintaining a lie for ten years that he was studying to become a doctor? Reflecting on that I believe he wanted his parents to be proud of him but yet he knew he didn't have what it took to become a doctor. At the same time his parents praise also came with the benefits of receiving a lot of money and maintaining a high quality of life that he discovered could happen without doing any work at all. 

So let me ask, what is the situation with your in laws like? Are they overly excited about the prospect of having grandchildren? Do they offer additional support to help (as in being willing to help with finances or wanting to spend lots of time with grandchildren)? Does your husband have siblings with children, and do they brag a lot possibly how one of their children has excelled at things? Is there a family business that grandchildren stand to inherit? 

If there is one thing about competitive families and social expectations, it can create some incredibly toxic/skewed family dynamics. Some people judge themselves by the size of their house. Others by the size of their family and the success of their children. Some judge themselves by the frequency of sex and the percentage of times a spouse achieves orgasm to validate and confirm that they are loved. 

So if your husband lies to his parents to maintain his status it is because they are important to him. If he lies to you to do the same, it is because you are important to him. This also means you have the power to influence him for the better. You likely need to work on building his self confidence and be mindful not to tear it down when you see him struggling to be honest about who he really is. We all have imperfections. Learning how to love yourself and value how those imperfections make you into a stronger person is not an easy journey, but a very meaningful one if you can embrace it. Embracing it will require going through an emotional crisis and hanging on to yourself to come out on the other side.


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