# I Don't Know What's Wrong



## frightenedofmarriage (Dec 6, 2009)

We've known each other for ten years and been married nearly five and ever since we got engaged he stopped wanting sex. We were engaged for two years and I thought he was just nervous about the wedding (my family are not the nicest of people) but then it never came right. When it did, it was only for a couple of weeks. Then the iron curtain came down and I had no clue what went wrong.

He's got a lot of new friends and is constantly texting with them. He's always online talking to friends overseas (most of our friends are out in the country) but now he's on IRC talking to anyone he can every evening. When he's not working or on IRC or his phone, he is sleeping or with his friends.

When he kisses me he won't put his arms around me.

I know, it looks like an affair but I have checked. There's no sign. I feel avoided and desperately lonely. I try talking to him, he says he understands. Then he ignores me again. Divorce is not an option. I married at 40, I tried so hard to not get into a marriage like this and it's happening to me. I've wondered if he is gay or whether it is a mid-life crisis (he's in his late thirties).

He has been ill with stomach ulcers for the last eight months but the last test was clear. Our last conversation (and I mean conversation, we don't argue or fight) led to him being so stressed he was violently sick multiple times. His response was to tell me he was fine and then go to bed closing the door.

I've been patient, I've tried opening lines of communication, I've tried talking to him, been sympathetic, dealt with a tonne of demons in my own head and now I am left with the simple question: what's wrong?

I have no friends, no support network and cannot work because of health issues. Divorce is not an option. I feel crushed. As if that's not enough, my menopause is coming on and my tolerance for this kind of thing is a lot lower than usual. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and walking out (but I can't do that- my parents own the house, I'm not able to drive on medical grounds and I have nowhere to go).

Ideas? Tips? I'm near the end of the line here. The very worst thing is I love him with all my heart. I wish he'd tell me what is wrong.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Would he be willing to go to therapy or marriage counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## princevinco (Jul 7, 2014)

First try to find out if he is medically okay, whether he achieve a full erection or whether he has a medical problem that may need solution.

You can start to go about it by learning to bath together and while in the bathroom, try to romance him so as to arouse his sexual interest. Be sure you are ready for him assuming he gets aroused. If he resent bathing with you, then be sure there is something he is hiding.

Again, don't do things that could cause him to be stressed up and try to help him to relax often once he comes home.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How old is your husband? What is his relationship history prior to you?

For him to become so stressed he was violently ill, whatever is going on is BIG. Have you asked him if he's gay?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You mentioned your parents NOT being the nicest of people and you & he are living in THEIR HOUSE.. .do you think he resents this set up.... that it has caused undue stress on your relationship.. are they overbearing or something?... Does your husband work?

Do you feel this has some role in his seeking attention from others, friends, escalating his time away from home ??

Just a thought.. In laws can throw a monkey wrench into some marriages.. 

What is he doing with his friends, what is their hobby ? Stress can cause ulcers so they say..it also lowers the libido... 

How often do you have sex... who initiates?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You're his "beard". Look it up.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You're his "beard". Look it up.


That's harsh. She already said she's checked for an affair (and that could be a guy or woman) and found nothing. Since she's approaching menopause I'm guessing there's health issues (more than already discussed here) with him.

Full check up and marriage counseling would be a better path than assuming he's gay.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Full check up and marriage counseling would be a better path than assuming he's gay.


I second this.

But... I'm also curious about a few things. What kind of environment did he grow up in? What do you know about his relationships before you? What was your sex life like before you got engaged? 

You say you've done all the snooping and you know he's not cheating on you. What does this snooping entail? Have you read his text messages? Do they ever seem fragmented, like the conversation is missing pieces? What kind of chat rooms does he use? Have you checked his browser history (both on the computer and on his phone)? Is it suspiciously bare for the amount of time he spends online? Where does he go when he's out with friends? Are you ever invited? Have you met these men? Does he talk about them to you?

Obviously no one can make any definite assumptions from a single post but I've done some reading on this. Gay men marry women and almost immediately he is less affectionate and uninterested in sex. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't need to try and convince you anymore. He has his safety blanket now (his "beard"). The increased online activity, hanging out with his friends, texting them all the time... also signs. The fact that he has been violently ill (presumably from nerves?) from conversations breaching the topic is also very strange.

If I were you, I'd do a little more digging. Have you ever tried to bring up anything gay-related? How does he respond to that? Does he change the subject? Or does he suddenly become overwhelmingly homophobic? Maybe do some googling and see if there's anything else you recognize in him.


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## unhappy_soul (Mar 11, 2015)

If counseling together is not an option (in my case my DH is refusing to see a counselor) and in the event divorce is also not an option, try going to counseling alone. Right now I am also looking at counseling. I am checking at the cost, boy they are expensive.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

frightenedofmarriage said:


> He's got a lot of new friends and is constantly texting with them.


Ok. I'm an idiot for saying he's gay. But a question for the men: Show of hands if you...

1 - Constantly text with your buddies.
2 - Are straight.

Let's see...anybody? There, you in the back...just stretching, I guess. Nobody...?




frightenedofmarriage said:


> When he's not working or on IRC or his phone, he is sleeping or *with his friends*.


I'll bet he is.

Might not hurt to have a friend who doesn;t know him pop into wherever it is they hang-out and observe. I'm guessing it'll be an education.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Some ideas maybe.
1 - Depression (I been there on this one.)
2 - Addiction

If there are no signs of an affair then check the following.
Loss of appetite - no interest in hobbies - loss of interest in work - sleep too much or too little

If not then I suspect a porn addiction.


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## frightenedofmarriage (Dec 6, 2009)

- My parents own the house but the do not live locally. I am estranged from them and have been so for years.

- His friends are of both sexes, are between 20 and 30 years old and no, I am never invited out with them. We met them at a night class. I know they don't go to pubs or clubs (I'd notice the lack of money in the bank account and see it on his credit card bills).

- His upbringing was difficult, he has a son who he never sees from a short previous relationship over two decades ago. (the son is 22). He was sexually abused as a teenager by two different men.

- Text messaging is used more in my country than cellphone calls because of high prices. An average number of texts a month for some people can be into the thousands of texts. However, his cellphone use has gone through the roof and there are no new names in his contact list. We are too poor for him to have a second phone.

- He is very open about what websites he visits and what chat-rooms he uses. Nothing improper. He leaves them open on his desktop when he goes to work.

- He has no addiction problems. He has been clean from a marijuana habit for over a decade and gave up smoking cigarettes three years ago. He hardly drinks. Yes, he views porn, but not to an unhealthy level.

- He's in his late 30s, has a history of Depression and has been getting treatment for it for years. I know the signs for when he gets depressed (goes off his food, makes more mess than usual, sallow skin. None of these signs are present)

- He does not believe in counselling and getting him to a doctor is like pulling teeth. His current General Practitioner is close to useless, but he won't see anyone else.

Gosh, I hope that answers all of your questions!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you asked him why he married you? Maybe he just wanted free rent.


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## frightenedofmarriage (Dec 6, 2009)

Actually, he pays our rent.

This morning, he told me he was depressed and has left our house to stay with his parents for a couple of days.

I hope he comes back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's gay. Because of the abuse, or maybe not, but he's gay. Or at least confused. Invite him to explore the possibility.


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

I have extreme depression, and I sound like your husband. Except for the texting or being with friends, because I don't have any. 

Sex is the last thing I want when I'm feeling especially depressed. I don't even want to be touched in an affectionate way.

I have a digestive condition and it flares up when my husband tries to engage me in conversation about why I don't want sex or my depression. Of course our discussions always turn into fights so there is more stress there than what you describe happens with you and your husband. 

He could be gay, who knows? But it could just be extreme depression or another mental illness. He needs to go to the doctor and have a full physical and mental evaluation. Very few people like going to the doctor, but his aversion to getting treatment is costing him his marriage and his life!


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You're his "beard". Look it up.


"Beard. Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex ..."


*I was going to say he is on the downlow !*


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

frightenedofmarriage said:


> and ever since we got engaged he stopped wanting sex.


Typical a gay in a homofobic society. 

The abuse issue will play a major role in his life. Maybe he abused/abuses himself. Common history amoung abusers.

I feel sorry for you, but him avoiding counseling is also saying a lot.


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