# What a MESS I created, I cheated on my Beautiful wife !!! HELP



## stvector

I am re-posting this thread here....

Where do I start! I am 30 years old with a beautiful wife who is about to give birth in the next weeks…and on top I have a handsome 3 year old son as well…and I MESSED UP!!! I cheated on my wife back in Oct with a girl from work that meant nothing to me…and now my life, my marriage and family hang on a thin line that she is holding…She has all the right in the world to throw me out, but she loves me so much and we are about to have a new baby boy born into this world aside from the 3 year old that adores me…WHAT A MESS I CREATED!!! It is all my fault, no doubt at all….I look at my sons eyes and just wonder how his life will be without a father!!! How my new baby boy will be raised without me, the father? 
My wife, she doesn’t work and was so dependent on me too….I can’t lose them, I cant allow my family to be destroyed….but its not in my hands…she has the full right to leave me for what I did…I cried, apologized, everything possible….she hasn’t decided yet…

I am crying right now in the pain I feel as I saw my wife cry, hit me with anger, saying, ´why, what did I do, I love you, why why?´ Poor her, STUPID ME for making her suffer like this…We do make mistakes, but this is one that is so great and painful I am lost in a limbo…not knowing what to do.

Last night, I even spoke to my son telling him if he never saw me again…to be a great kid, listen, grow up loving God etc…as I was ready to take my life….But how could I? How could I leave them? 

I need to SAVE MY FAMILY AND MARRIAGE!!!! Any of you going through this?

She found a video that I recorded of myself in the act, yesterday!!! IMAGINE!!! She is in so much pain; I really hurt her like nothing else in the world. I am a piece of ****, I know, I have no excuse for what I did…I never spoke to that girl again as she moved far away and after that one time, I felt so much quilt and never again did it….but it was with me and I acted cold with my wife as I had that quilt inside me burning me alive.


Last night I didn’t sleep nor did she, she lied in bed with our son crying as she said every time she closed her eyes she could see the images of me with another women…MAN, I can’t even imagine the PAIN she feels, I can’t and it kills me to see her suffer this way!!! I know, I should have thought of all this before I did what I did….but I fell…

She told her mom and my parents as well, devastated is what I must say…but she has the right as she needs to feel comfort from her family…not me as anything I say will be taken as a lie or not worthy, and she has the right to feel that way.

I am writing this as there must be people out there that have gone through this, going through this or other. I don’t want to lose my wife, 3 year old boy and my new born that will be here in the next days…I can’t believe how low I went, how stupid I was.


----------



## highwood

This is why as I posted on another thread I wish that people would think through these things because it messes up so many lives. I think part of it is living in a society in which we want what we want now no matter what the consequences.

It is good that you are so repetent but I totally get your wifes views on it. To screw that up for someone that you didn't even care about it..yikes!

Good luck to you! I hope it works out!


----------



## highwood

Why would you videotape it as well....I don't get that??


----------



## Complexity

yeah, why the videotape?


----------



## stvector

We had been drinking prior and stupid me did that...but you know what? It may sound stupid, but I am happy she found it, it was killing me inside, I wasnt being myself with her....

If this makes us stronger and saves our marraige and family, then so be it...

Sometimes these terrible things must happen for Good or Bad...I do hope it is for the better here...though I know it will take Years and HARD WORK to make it happen.

I dont want to lose them, for nothing!!! (Should have thought about that before) But I must now try to win them back!


----------



## Jellybeans

Where was the copy of this tape you recorded? How did your wife find it? 

Also, you filmed the ONLY time you were ever together with the OW? That seems strange to me.

Be honest here. We are here to help but don't lie to us.


----------



## stvector

Exacly, I am trying to be honest letting it all out so see what I can do. 

I had my iphone with me and well even before I was into just taking pics or doing a video with my wife as well....just something I did...

And that day we had drinks and things got to where I wished they never, I put myself in that place..no excuse....and I started to put it on my iphone, never showed my face...but poor her, poor wifey she saw my wedding ring and heard my voice...Poor Wife, the PAIN she must have felt....I deleted it right away once she confronted me, I could bare her to see it over and over again....

This is a long haul, I know...I do....But I hope she finds it in her to, as hard as it will be, forgive.....it will take LONG---but we have a beautiful boy and a new baby coming anytime soon....I dont want to lose them!


----------



## stvector

With this girl, she worked under a contract or something like that for the company I worked for, pretty much working for the big corp..and we saw each other a few times, chatted etc...this is WHERE I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED and SAY NO AND NO!!!!!

But then we went out and with drinks and stupidness, the biggest mistake of my life was done.

One thing let to the next, wse saw each other once more and I told her that I cant I was feeling quilty etc...where she told me she was moving away anyways, very far...so it died their


----------



## highwood

Why not delete it right away....if I was her I would be thinking that you wanted to keep it as some sort of trophy/reminder of what happened.


----------



## highwood

All I can suggest is you guys do MC and you have to show her how sincere you are...everything you do will have to be up front 120%.

It will be a long road ahead for you and her that's for sure.

You will have to work your butt off in order to make this work. Other than the alcohol do you know why you were drawn to this other person..was something going on in the marriage?


----------



## stvector

highwood said:


> Why not delete it right away....if I was her I would be thinking that you wanted to keep it as some sort of trophy/reminder of what happened.


You are totally right and she did say that, but the weirdest thing ever..I did delete it LONG time ago, way back in Oct...but somehow it was there? No idea how....everything eventually comes to light somehow right? 

Like I said before, its better we are dealing with this now, its better she found out, as much pain as this is creating for us....as living a lie with her, feeling so quility for what I did, etc....it would have killed us more later on...


----------



## PHTlump

Yes, you have irreparably harmed your wife and put your sons at great risk. Children of divorce are more likely to do worse in school, have lower self-esteem, more social problems, etc.

As for moving forward, you should make a sincere apology to your wife. Then, you offer her complete transparency to your life. She can view your cell phone and cell records any time she wants. Giver her the password to your email and Facebook. Tell her she can put a GPS tracker on your phone or car. Start calling or texting her more often to account for your movements. If you're leaving work, text her when you leave. If you get stuck in traffic and your commute time is going to be longer than normal, call her. She should know exactly where you and what you're doing are at all times. There can be no more secrecy in your marriage. Then, offer to do anything you haven't thought of to give her some reassurance that you are committed to your marriage and you're not betraying her again.

If she wants you to delete your Facebook account, do it. If she wants you to call her every 30 minutes, do it.

There's no guarantee that you can help her get over your betrayal. But, doing the above may help her forgive you, eventually.


----------



## stvector

highwood said:


> All I can suggest is you guys do MC and you have to show her how sincere you are...everything you do will have to be up front 120%.
> 
> It will be a long road ahead for you and her that's for sure.
> 
> You will have to work your butt off in order to make this work. Other than the alcohol do you know why you were drawn to this other person..was something going on in the marriage?


Indeed this is the road I must take with my head down...as it will take a long time to make things right again...but I 100% want to, no doubt in my mind!

About something being wrong in our marraige, she asked me that...she asked me if she did something wrong? etc.. I told her that NOTHING was her fault, it was all mine...not to say sorry to me for nothing..it is I that must appologize a million and more times....she has these moments of love, hate, anger...normal I guess...and so sad to see...it kills me....But back to the question, no....I must be totally honest when I say she is a PERFECT wife, she raises our son, cleans, cooks, loves me...who wouldnt want her? I cant put my finger on WHY I did it, nothing emotional, I am thinking it had to do more with something of the spur of the moment, etc...I dont even know how to explain it, I am not sure...why


----------



## stvector

You are totally right...and by all means I will grant her that and more...I have to, I have to try anything and everything to save our family and marraige


----------



## Almostrecovered

what to do if your wife wants R-

1) tell ALL of the truth right away- do NOT "trickle truth". Do NOT hold anything back because you fear you will hurt her or feel ashamed.
2) be 100% completely transparent- give up all of your passwords, let her look at your phone, tell her where you are, where you are going and check in with her when you are away. Get a GPS and put in your car and allow her to see where you are.
3) Show true remorse- own up to 100% of the affair- do NOT blame shift. Expect to be in this for the long haul- it can take 2-5 years for her to trust again and heal. Expect to answer her questions over and over and over again. 

lastly read the newbie link in my signature- in particular read the 3 rd post and what a disloyal spouse should do for the betrayed spouse


----------



## highwood

...and understand that there will be times when she will be angry that she even has to monitor and check on you. Speaking from experience that pisses me off that now I have to, for my own peace of mind, check phone calls, texts, computer, etc. Something that I never thought of doing before.

This is one of those nightmarish situations where you think it will never happen to you and then when it does it hits you like a ton of bricks. The range of emotions is insane...I go somedays from feeling fine one hour to filling total rage the next. Terrible way to live...


----------



## sigma1299

Ok - another guy who cheated on an amazing woman here. First - man up and accept responsibility. Say I did it and I'll pay the prices. All this wringing your hands and whining just makes you look pathetic. You cheated on your wife standing up, pay the prices the same way. Yes be apologetic, yes tell your wife how sorry you are, yes tell her you love her but dammit take the consequences like a man. You never should have let her tell both families - you should have been the one to do it. Go to both families and confess to them to - in her presence - let her see you own it. Yes it's going to suck but cheating carries a big price tag. 

Give your wife the whole and complete truth, do not hold anything back in an effort to save your ass, protect her or protect your AP (affair partner). Give your wife access to everything in your life, email, cell phone, text messages, social media, your whereabouts - all of it - anything she wants. Answer her questions each and every time she ask, without complaint, honestly and willingly. Never ever get mad or resentful because she ask you the same question for the milliionth time - this will happen. Accept that you wife is going to be a basket case of emotions for a while (compounded by the pregnancy and delivery of your child). Also, accept that you will be to, you've got a lot of your own issues and pain to sort out. Accept that while your pain is real and needs to be dealt with, it is subordinate to your wife's. Do anything and everything your wife ask you to do. Above all else - do not let her you catch you in a lie - I don't care how small or seemingly insignificant - period - give her the truth. 

Stop sniveling and whining. You didn't snivel and whine when you slept with the OW, don't do it now. Show your wife you love her, that you are remorseful and that you can be a better man than your actions.


----------



## stvector

highwood said:


> ...and understand that there will be times when she will be angry that she even has to monitor and check on you. Speaking from experience that pisses me off that now I have to, for my own peace of mind, check phone calls, texts, computer, etc. Something that I never thought of doing before.
> 
> This is one of those nightmarish situations where you think it will never happen to you and then when it does it hits you like a ton of bricks. The range of emotions is insane...I go somedays from feeling fine one hour to filling total rage the next. Terrible way to live...


So you were on the suffering end of your relationship? I am so sorry you went through it...I see my wife suffer and I can just imagine how many go through this....daily! I was so stupid and didnt think of the true damage that I was about to cause, the pain, the anger and sadness and so much more.

You are right, she will have to do that and I will never be mad or make her feel she has no right too...she will have all the access she wants and when she wants, WHATEVER she needs to start to rebuild what I destroyed....

This is of course if she can get through this with me...if not, well the story for me has ended....I pray it doesnt!


----------



## stvector

sigma1299 said:


> ok - another guy who cheated on an amazing woman here. First - man up and accept responsibility. Say i did it and i'll pay the prices. All this wringing your hands and whining just makes you look pathetic. You cheated on your wife standing up, pay the prices the same way. Yes be apologetic, yes tell your wife how sorry you are, yes tell her you love her but dammit take the consequences like a man. You never should have let her tell both families - you should have been the one to do it. Go to both families and confess to them to - in her presence - let her see you own it. Yes it's going to suck but cheating carries a big price tag.
> 
> Give your wife the whole and complete truth, do not hold anything back in an effort to save your ass, protect her or protect your ap (affair partner). Give your wife access to everything in your life, email, cell phone, text messages, social media, your whereabouts - all of it - anything she wants. Answer her questions each and every time she ask, without complaint, honestly and willingly. Never ever get mad or resentful because she ask you the same question for the milliionth time - this will happen. Accept that you wife is going to be a basket case of emotions for a while (compounded by the pregnancy and delivery of your child). Also, accept that you will be to, you've got a lot of your own issues and pain to sort out. Accept that while your pain is real and needs to be dealt with, it is subordinate to your wife's. Do anything and everything your wife ask you to do. Above all else - do not let her you catch you in a lie - i don't care how small or seemingly insignificant - period - give her the truth.
> 
> Stop sniveling and whining. You didn't snivel and whine when you slept with the ow, don't do it now. Show your wife you love her, that you are remorseful and that you can be a better man than your actions.


you are 100% right!


----------



## highwood

sigma1299 said:


> Ok - another guy who cheated on an amazing woman here. First - man up and accept responsibility. Say I did it and I'll pay the prices. All this wringing your hands and whining just makes you look pathetic. You cheated on your wife standing up, pay the prices the same way. Yes be apologetic, yes tell your wife how sorry you are, yes tell her you love her but dammit take the consequences like a man. You never should have let her tell both families - you should have been the one to do it. Go to both families and confess to them to - in her presence - let her see you own it. Yes it's going to suck but cheating carries a big price tag.
> 
> Give your wife the whole and complete truth, do not hold anything back in an effort to save your ass, protect her or protect your AP (affair partner). Give your wife access to everything in your life, email, cell phone, text messages, social media, your whereabouts - all of it - anything she wants. Answer her questions each and every time she ask, without complaint, honestly and willingly. Never ever get mad or resentful because she ask you the same question for the milliionth time - this will happen. Accept that you wife is going to be a basket case of emotions for a while (compounded by the pregnancy and delivery of your child). Also, accept that you will be to, you've got a lot of your own issues and pain to sort out. Accept that while your pain is real and needs to be dealt with, it is subordinate to your wife's. Do anything and everything your wife ask you to do. Above all else - do not let her you catch you in a lie - I don't care how small or seemingly insignificant - period - give her the truth.
> 
> Stop sniveling and whining. You didn't snivel and whine when you slept with the OW, don't do it now. Show your wife you love her, that you are remorseful and that you can be a better man than your actions.


I agree!!

I think as well..that telling family is huge. I made my h. tell his mom because I said if you don't I will. I think because his mom started crying it added shame to the situation. H was embarrassed about it and he should be.


----------



## highwood

stvector said:


> So you were on the suffering end of your relationship? I am so sorry you went through it...I see my wife suffer and I can just imagine how many go through this....daily! I was so stupid and didnt think of the true damage that I was about to cause, the pain, the anger and sadness and so much more.
> 
> You are right, she will have to do that and I will never be mad or make her feel she has no right too...she will have all the access she wants and when she wants, WHATEVER she needs to start to rebuild what I destroyed....
> 
> This is of course if she can get through this with me...if not, well the story for me has ended....I pray it doesnt!


It is a terrible feeling....the worst pain I have ever experienced in 43 years of living. To go from complete trust of someone to know paranoia and suspicion is terrible.


----------



## crossbar

stvector said:


> I dont want to lose them, for nothing!!! (Should have thought about that before) But I must now try to win them back!


Well, Here's the rub, dude. That's not your choice anymore. It's your wife's. Just give her some space. If she wants to vent, let her vent. If she wants to cry, let her cry. If she wants to talk about it, then answer all of her questions openly and honestly even if they are hard to answer because you're sorry or ashamed.

Be supportive and understanding. If she wants to end the marriage. Well, there's really nothing you can do about that. The biggest problem you have is that she SAW you. It wasn't that she found some dodgey e-mails or texts. SHe actually saw you in the act. And most BS that either walk in on their spouses in bed with someone else or see pictures and video's, those are the hardest relationships to reconcile from. They are never going to get that image out of there heads.

All I can say is hang in there, it's going to be a very bumpy ride. ALSO, be proactive!! Make an appointment to go to individual counseling to figure out why you did what you did. Do some reading. Let her see that you're trying to make some changes and don't point them out. She has eyes, she can see.


----------



## sigma1299

stvector said:


> you are 100% right!


Those are the things I did and today my marriage is better than it was 18 months ago when D Day dawned. If you do the right things and she's willing you can reconcile. 

I read where you said there was nothing wrong with your marriage. You're too early in yet to get this - I didn't at first either - something led to this. Either in the marriage, in you, or a combination of the two. Do not stop addressing this until you figure out what those things are. Both your comfort zones are blown straight to hell right now, use that to really talk through your relationship with each other like you never have before.

As far as what in you led you to this - and something did. Keep digging until you find it. If you do you'll find that you are about to learn more about yourself than you thought possible. You might not like all of it, but in knowing it you can improve it. Those reasons are there - find them.


----------



## stvector

Thanks Sigma, very true what you are saying...I will keep on it


----------



## sinnister

Sorry you did this. You're completely at her mercy.


----------



## stvector

Thank you for all your support and advice...it means the world to hear what many of you have gone through and what steps I must take as well.

Last night her aunts came over to comfort her, which I am thankful she has such a loving family to do so...I was there and stayed in my room...as I couldnt bare to face them for I did...

This morning I awoke to talk to my wife, as her aunts where in the other room talking to her mom via Skype (as she lives in another country) and well we held each, cried, she showed anger and kept asking WHY WHY, she would blame herself, saying she was preg. and not pretty...

I made sure she knew and I asked her to NEVER blame herself for what I did, as she did NOTHING to hurt me...it was me that made this mistake, I created this, I destroyed us...and now I must stand up and take whatever comes my way....but that I dont want to LOSE THEM...if it means years of hurt and working to make things better, I WILL!!!

She then cried more, held me and told me she loves me....but then at moments she would change and I know she would visualize the images again and feel such PAIN and tell me, she doesnt think she can ever forgive me..and to be with me and not forgive??? But then it would go back and forth..I know she must be going through so much pain and mixed emotions...so I am in no way angry at all...I just want to be their for her in everyway possible.

I never told my son I would take my life, NEVER...i did just hold in my arms and assured him my love and that I would always be here for him, that I did something wrong and mommy is sad...but not to worry.....That I would never leave his side...I cried though, and I wonder how that must hurt him or confuse him in some way to see his Dad, a man cry like a baby as I dont want to lose him....

This is so hard, but I cant try to be a victim here...I did this to us and I must now try to make things right...doesnt matter which route my wife decieds to go....

Thanks again everyone for your support and advice!


----------



## crossbar

stvector;584345She then cried more said:


> And welcome to the roller coaster of emotions!! This is natural and it's going to happen. She'll love you one minute and hate your guts the next. She say she can't bare the thought of losing you and the next minute wants a divorce. Happy one minute to crying the next. This is going to happen and is completely normal. You have to understand that this is going to confuse the hell out of you, but you need to recongize it for what it is and hold on tight, because this ride lasts a while.


----------



## lisab0105

She is going to want to know that you really REGRET it..that if magically given the opportunity to time traval, you would and take the entire night back. She is going to want to know if being with that other woman was worth the tears she is crying and the pain in her heart. She is going to want to know if that other woman had not moved away, would you be constantly tempted to be with her again. 

Your wife was under the delusion that what you two had was special. That it was untouchable. You ruined that. You two are no longer special. How could you have been special to begin with you were so willing to have sex with another woman???
Your relationship is tainted by your vile act with this disgusting woman (whom obviously knew you were married). 

I don't know if your wife is prone to hating people, but she will hate this other woman with so much power, it will blow you away. And she will hate you for making her feel that way. 

She is going to doubt everything about herself, doubt her appearance, her ability to please you...In one fell swoop, you have obliterated any confidence your wife once held. She will doubt every word you say. You will not be able to walk out that door and your wife not think you are going to go an screw around on her. 

SHe will be doing the most random things like washing dishes and she will suddenly feel like throwing herself out of the window because that has to be better than the image of her man screwing this other person....your need to orgasm with this woman, no matter how simple at the time it was...has the power to completely dismantle your wife, your life with her and everything she believed. 

Was it worth it? Was that orgasm worth the pain in the end? Was that chicks p*ssy so damn good that it made your life with your wife seem so insignificant and small? 

I'm coming off harsh, wish I could say I was sorry for it. But I am not. My fiance had a ONS while I was pregnant with our daughter. It happened 8 months ago, I've known for 5. I've stayed with him..and not hating his guts on a daily basis is a struggle. Loving and hating your significant other is a burdon no one should bare..especially a pregnant woman. 

Shame on you forever.


----------



## AE86freak

I signed up to this forum just to ask this question...What kind of occupation are you in that allows your wife to be a stay at home mom!? I have a son that's almost two and my wife says she doesn't want anymore kids unless we can afford for her to stay home with our kids. I really wish we could, I agree with her staying at home although it's not something anyone in my family does. I've seen her cry over the fact that she has to work and miss out on precious moments in our son's development.


----------



## strongarmedjohn

It cracks me up to see people talking about the video. Let me help you see some things using your words. 

"Anything I say will be taken as a lie"

Well, why is that? I'm guessing you had a wedding of some sort and you said these really important words to each other called "vows." Remember the "forsaking all others" part? Yeah, well, you didn't do that. You are a liar. Step one--before you move forward you must acknowledge reality--you are a liar. 

But you started lying before then. Your wife was pregnant, you weren't getting any, she was fat, probably not as hot as she was before kids, etc. Makes sense. 

If you had proposed an amendment to your agreement (vows) and said, "I'm really missing sex--what would you think about me sleeping with this temp girl at the office who keeps hitting on me? If she'd been cool with it--BEFOREHAND--and you agreed, that's called an amendment. If you brought it up and she wasn't okay with it, then it would absolutely not be within the realm of possibility for you to be with someone else because your commitment isn't "to her" it's to your word--your vows. 

And then something odd would have happened-regardless of whether or not she was okay with you enjoying some on the side while she couldn't provide, you would have wanted it far, far less because what you, and everyone really wants--is honesty and openness--because that is true intimacy. People get so bent out of shape about "cheating"--consider that word--cheating--what does it mean? That you broke the rules. Which rules? The ones you swore to follow before the game began--your vows. It's not the sex--the sex exposes a hoarde of fears like being rejected--which is why her initial response was "what did I do...?"--it's the lies the sex exposes so blatantly. 

Because you were worried about not "hurting her feelings" you stopped being honest with her about what you were wanting. You were saying, "I don't think you can handle what I'm going to tell you--i.e. I don't trust you to do what you said you would do "till death do us part" if I tell you how I really feel about really wanting to have sex with something. If you had been committed to your word, you would realize "for better or worse" is also part of the vows for a reason--"love" doesn't mean "happy" or "fulfill your every need"--you promised to love her for better or worse, so if she said, "I'll pass on the part about meaningless sex" you might not have liked it, but you would have honored it because it takes two people to amend a contract but only one liar to break it.

But this is a very high level concept involving commitment. And there is no way you would have the sack to pull it off judging from your other comments. Regardless, it's too late now, but if you don't start being this radically honest now you won't be able to save your marriage. 

Here is where you are still avoiding responsibility:

1. ...girl who "meant nothing" to me...

What difference does it make? You put your penis in another woman's vagina without the consent of your wife. You broke your vow. You lied. You are still trying to make it okay by writing crap like "meant nothing" to me. It doesn't matter what she meant. You broke a vow. You violated your contract. I believe that she "meant nothing" to you--totally possible--I believe your wife means a lot to you--you wanted to have sex--that's part of life. But it doesn't change the fact that you said you wouldn't in the oral contract that created your marriage called your vows. Until you own that, why would the person you screwed over in that contract want to enter into another one with you?

2. ..how his life "will be" without a father...

You've already given up. In your mind, you're assuming your son wont' have a father. Even if you choose to not be man enough to restore the integrity in your marriage, why would you stop being your son's father? What you're really doing is feeling sorry for yourself and thinking about how this affects you. Which isn't surprising--someone who haven't developed the character to maintain their personal integrity very rarely care about anyone besides himself. Why? Because things happen "to you"--and if they are challenging (keeping your vows while your wife is pregnant, for instance) you collapse and make excuses like "she meant nothing to me." Dude, knock it off--you are being pathetic. If you were doing well enough for your wife to stay home with kids, you have some drive in you--suck it up, be a man--and no matter what the woman you lied to you call your wife decides, be a dad.

3. ..."was" so dependent on me...

Again, past tense--as in over--as in "nothing I can do about it." She was dependent on you and guess what--you didn't come through in the clutch, bro. You choked. What she was really depending on (even if she didn't realize it) was to do what you said you would do. You didn't. It's not about the P-in-V it's about the lie the P-in-V exposed.

4. She "has the right" to leave me...

You say this "has a right" stuff a lot. It's as if you're trying to convince yourself of something that should be brutally honest. Dude, she "has the right" to do whatever the hell she wants to do. She always has--f'n that girl didn't "give her the right" because you screwed up--it just reminded her of an option she had previously completely written off in her mind because when she said, "till death do us part", she meant it. You not coming through just reminded her that she had an option because someone who understands and is committed really doesn't have an option in her mind--for better or worse--period. You broke your part of the contract. Of course she has the right to do whatever she wants. If you'd actually accept responsibility for not being who you promised to be when you became a husband that day you said those words to this woman, she may remember that she said, "for better or worse" and work through this with you. Of course she'll have a hard time trusting you. Just like you had a hard time not f'n that chick when she was fat and needy. How do you grow? 

By doing hard and scary things. Anything you do to try and "make her" trust you will backfire because it's a ploy. The only thing you can do is be a trustworthy person and let her decide if she is willing to take her commitment seriously enough to continue moving forward with you. And right now you aren't trustworthy because you're still making excuses for what you did. A trustworthy person does what he says he will regardless of difficulty. But messing up is a good opportunity to learn and grow.

5. STUPID ME for making her suffer like this…

If you think someone else can make you happy, you'll never be trustworthy because as soon as it gets hard--the time you really need your commitment to see you through so you can grow--you will look elsewhere.

You think you're making her suffer. That's not true. Your lie is allowing her face extreme fears about herself--like not being good enough. You lied because it was easier. And you continue to lie because it's easier. You can't "make her" feel/do anything. Take responsibility for yourself.

It's important for you to understand the sex isn't what caused this. If it were, she would have been confronted with this the moment your P hit that V. Your lack of being big enough--not having grown to the point--where you could keep your vows at a very, very difficult time has brought crashing down what she thought her future was going to look like, and she doesn't know what she can count on from you--so that's scary. It's like a death because she lost something. Check out the stages of mourning. Anyway--you didn't "make" her suffer. 

Your lying destroyed the illusion of safety (the stronger and bigger you are, from a character standpoint, the bigger things you can overcome--thus the "safety" illusion--you're only safe "up to a point"--that point is dependent on your character--of which you didn't have enough to follow through at a very difficult time)--and this lack of safety brought out the fear inside her.

6. We had been drinking prior...

Again, another excuse. Nobody every does anything drunk they don't want to do sober. What you're basically saying is, "I have enough character to follow through on my commitments when I'm sober and things are pretty easy (wife not pregnant/no girl that wants me) but if I'm drunk and someone wants me and I'm not getting any, I can't be trusted to do what I said I would. You still want an excuse. You still want someone--someone on this board?--to tell you that it's okay. That it's going to be okay. I'm here to tell you that as long as you are looking for an excuse, it absolutely won't be because having the type of character to overcome all of the hurt she's going to throw at you and all of the anger and all of the accusations when you're two seconds late somewhere and all the times she's going to break into tears before she trusts you again--the character it takes to do that and to continue to love her during that "words" is FAR MORE than the character it would have taken to not bang that girl or to talk to your wife beforehand. And you don't grow in character when you're still making excuses. Man up.

7. I "need to" SAVE MY FAMILY AND MARRIAGE!!!! 

I "need to" lose some weight. I "need to" stop spending so much money. I "need to" stop watching porn. I "need to" stop drinking. I "need to" stop beating my kids. Blah, blah, blah. Make the decision that you are going to, and then do everything you can to save your marriage--ie, show that you are someone capable of keeping your word--and you may have a chance. As long as you "need to", it means that you don't think you can. You can't make her do what she said you would. By being the person you said you were, she may decide to. But it starts with a decision. You don't know if you'll be able to do it because you currently lack the character it takes. Commitment in the face of conflict yields character. You can still be a great example and leader for your sons even if you can't "save your marriage" if you grow. You don't need to "save your marriage"--you need to restore your integrity and keep your word.

8. I was ready to take my life….

Because you run and hide like a wussdog instead of facing things. Again, lack of character. That you would even consider this as an option shows how weak your decisions have made you. 

9. I don’t "want to" lose my wife...

I don't "want to" be fat. I don't "want to" be unemployed. Blah, blah. You can't control what her decision is, but focusing on "not losing" your wife will make you--especially at your current character level of development--to look for easy ways to do it that will fail. It's not in your control. Little kids make decisions based on what they want to do. Men make decisions based on what they said they would do. It doesn't matter what you want. But it does matter (for you and your sons) who you are. If you will be a man and take responsibility, and grow, you may have a chance for her to decide to grow and be with you. Otherwise, you're either screwed immediately or ultimately.

10. I have no excuse for what I did…

You have SO MANY Excuses:
1. She was pregnant
2. You were drunk
3. She meant nothing
4. You are stupid (which you wrote a ton of times--which means, "It's not my fault I made a bad decision, I'm stupid, it's not my fault)

Blah, blah, blah

And here's another excuse:

11. I never spoke to that girl again "as she moved far away"

I never killed any other New Yorkers because I moved to Africa. I never did heroine after that night because the only dealer I knew moved away. I never beat my kids after that day because the state put them in a home. You are a sad, sad man. 

You can't even admit that you enjoyed f'n that chick. Sad. You loved it. The only thing that stopped you from doing it again was lack of opportunity. She "made you" feel good. Which is what you think relationships are about. You want to be a kid and have someone take care of you. If I were your wife, this would piss me off.

12. I can’t believe how low I went, how stupid I was.

I can. You're still looking for an excuse. It's written everywhere in your post. What are you going to do about it?


----------



## strongarmedjohn

AE86freak said:


> I signed up to this forum just to ask this question...What kind of occupation are you in that allows your wife to be a stay at home mom!? I have a son that's almost two and my wife says she doesn't want anymore kids unless we can afford for her to stay home with our kids. I really wish we could, I agree with her staying at home although it's not something anyone in my family does. I've seen her cry over the fact that she has to work and miss out on precious moments in our son's development.



AE86freak,

I think what you're saying is: My wife wants to be a stay at home mom (a lot); I'm for it; Currently, I can't see how it would be possible for her to do that while maintaining our current lifestyle. What advice do you have?

I had to clarify first because the question you asked is, "what kind of occupation do you have that allows you to..?"

Within the question lies exactly where you're stuck. Let me help you see it. 

I am not yet a father, but my wife does stay at home. We moved to New York so she could pursue her acting career. New York is easily 3x more expensive than where we're from. She has no other job, and her classes are easily as expensive as a child would be ($30k+/year). Although I don't have a kid, I do have a wife who "doesn't work." And I have the same job I have always had.

Here's the thing: I can do my job from anywhere, but had that not been the case, we would still be in New York. Why? It's what my wife wants. 

I want to help you see a couple of things that are holding you back and keeping you from doing what it takes for your wife to be at home (my career is helping people develop what they need to reach their goals as a sales manager, btw). It's all a matter of perspective. Let's go:

1. The idea of there being any career which would "allow" your wife to be home is silly. This mindset is comfy because then it's not your responsibility to make a decision for your wife to be home and then find a way to make it happen. Why? It's not your fault that something/someone won't "allow" you to do something. You're an adult with a kid. Why are you still looking for someone/something's permission to allow you to do something? Because it's easier. If you were 7 years old, you would need an "allowance" to buy some candy you wanted--if you wanted some expensive candy, you would need a bigger allowance, if nobody would give it to you, there'd be nothing you could do about it. You're not 7, unless you are Fuh-reak of nature.

So step 1. Decide that your wife is going to stay home. 

Once that decision is made, move to the next step which is:

Lifestyle: I don't know where you live, but you can already afford for your wife to stay home. 

Acknowledging that reality causes you to face the real issues:

Assuming the same income level:

We'd have to give something up we like having or dong (neighborhood you live in, ATV, clothes, vacations, super cable, etc.,?) 

But if you'd made the decision your wife was going to stay home, you'd figure out how to get rid of that stuff and make it happen. 

But when you haven't made the decision, it's easier to think about how "it's not possible" to not have to figure out how it could be.

When you started looking at how you could do it you'd then run into this problem:

You'd have to give up enough stuff to equal your wife's income. Go through a list of things and you give up one and she gives up one--both of you benefit from her being home, so this isn't a "you should give up buying shoes, but I get to keep Sunday ticket because I'm doing this for you" deal. Don't forget--she's giving up a ton, too--like not having to rely on you to provide for the family). You may realize it wouldn't actually be that tough--that you just spend way too much on silly crap you don't really need, but you won't know this until you start asking, "how can I make it happen"? Why? It's easier to keep a crappy lifestyle that our poor habits support than it is to form new, better habits to raise your lifestyle. 

Or maybe you wouldn't find that out at all. Maybe you do a good job with your money. At some point, there would likely be something awesome you'd have to give up in order to make it happen. In order to do things others can't (like have a stay at home mom) you have to do things others won't (like not have cable or something). When you reach this point, you reach a moment of truth:

Keeping my second four wheeler is more important to me than my wife being home with my children. 

If that's true, then keep the four wheeler and tell your wife she is always going to have to work. 

I want to dig into this sentence with you:

"I really wish we could, I agree with her staying at home although it's not something anyone in my family does."

"I really wish we could"--do you realize that literally what you're saying is: I'm not responsible for my life. I am relying on luck (my "wishes" coming true) to determine what I am capable of doing in life. It's not my fault we can't. The great genie that grants those with great luck the things I'd like but don't have just didn't bless me." 

The next part of your sentence:

"I agree with her staying at home although it's not something anyone in my family does."

has two very different potential meanings:

1. You actually do agree with her staying home but because finding a way to be a man and make that happen instead of "wishing for it" to happen like a kid would be very hard and scary because, let's be real, it's not fun to face things like, "a new car is more important than my wife being home with my kid." Why is it hard? Because then the onus falls on you to make it happen.

So what do you do? 

You find an excuse to make it okay to not dig deep and see how you could make it possible. 

What is your excuse?

"It's not something anyone in my family does."

Do you get what you're saying here? You're referring to "your family" as the one where you're the kid and there are big people who make decisions for you. YOUR FAMILY is the one where you have the kid in daycare and the wife in tears. That is your family. You are now a man, but you're still looking for permission to be "allowed" to do something you "wish you could do." 

In other words, it's okay if my kids don't have a mom who stays home; I didn't have one. My cousins didn't have one. And we turned out okay. And you did. It sounds like you're doing a great job of holding down a job and not sleeping around, etc. And that's all okay; hell, nowadays it may even be a little better than okay. 

But you are now the leader of your home. Do you want your kids to have a role model who teaches them that it's okay to be okay? Or do you want to be the kind of dad/man who teaches his kids by example that making decisions to do hard and scary things allows your family to experience things others couldn't? 

Now here's the second thing this part of your sentence: 

"I agree with her staying at home although it's not something anyone in my family does."

Could mean--

What is that? I don't really see why this is such a big deal. Staying at home with the kids is a luxury; a job is a necessity. We all turned out okay in "my" family, and none of us had a stay at home mom. 

And if that's true, cool. But again, you'd have to be a man to say it instead of saying things to placate your wife like, "I agree with you staying at home"--just tell her it's not important to you and end her torment. Before you tell her that it's not important to you though, consider that it's most likely a cop out to avoid facing hard and scary things. Some of those are described above. But there is one more.

You think your wife is whiny and lazy. It's possible that you think your wife should have to work. You imagine sitting around the house as just that--sitting around the house. You would feel resentful for her sitting at home "doing nothing" all day while you went to work. You don't think you'd be appreciated. Maybe she comes from "better stock" than you and you have some fear of rejection going on and you get pissed when she suggests that she have things her mom/aunts/sisters have. I don't know your situation. And if she is whiny and lazy, then I wouldn't want her at home with my kids, either because then instead of doing an awesome job raising my kids, she'd just screw them up, too by complaining about them the way working out of the home moms complain about co-workers. 

So if this is the case--talk to her about it. Ask her to help you understand why it would be worth it--for the kids. If she just wants to sit around and play with the kids all day because she is still a kid-minded (which is possible since she married you--the waiting to be allowed guy who can't properly identify HIs family)--then how is she going to add value to the kids. She'll just raise them to be kids. If she's going to be an adult who teaches them things and pushes them and encourages them and loves on them, and she's crying because she feels like the kids are missing out because of the time she doesn't have with them, then it's a whole different story. Does she want to have to "not work" or does she want to "be home with the kids."

I've sat in the living rooms of thousands of families. Moms that work at home, work their asses off. Moms that don't work, watch soaps, get fat and entitled, and their kids feel even more neglected because mom is there but she's not there--the only place she is is not at work. 

Talking to her about those feelings is also hard and scary. It's easier to say, "I agree with you, and wish we could but..." and listen to her cry than it is have those conversations that lead to relationship breakthroughs. 

I don't know your situation at all, but I know a lot about you from the language you used to describe your situation.

Now let's look at the last scenario, the hardest one of all:

1. Your wife wants to be a full-time mom so much she's crying at night.

2. You want your wife to be home with your kids because you feel it's important. You may not even feel like being home with the kids is important, but you feel like making damned sure your wife has what she wants--especially if she wants it that bad--is important.

3. You grow up and decide this is your family and that you're going to do something about it.

4. Instead of cutting expenses, you decide to earn more money so you can provide the same lifestyle--so you need to earn not just more money--but the amount of money that equals her income. You may cut expenses early on in order for her to stay home right away instead of waiting until you are earning the income you'll need to replace it, but expense cutting is only temporary. 

In other words, you want the best of both worlds. 

Which is what you believe yourself to be asking in your post, I'm sure. But here's the thing--someone who lives his life based on:

Being allowed to do something. 
Who is okay with his wife crying because she wants something so badly and then posting something in this forum which basically says, "Can anyone tell me how to "get a bigger allowance" so I can easily have what I want and make these problems go away?" 

Here's the deal: There are a ton of jobs where you could earn that much money. You could start a business. You could go into sales (if you email me back, I'll even be willing to help. I have friends who own sales companies who hire people with no experience and then train them--friends who earn over $500,000/year). You could be a skilled laborer working for himself (Computer repair, electronics installer, anything really, etc.)

Here's the thing--those types of jobs require investment (of time and or resources) and thus require risk. I didn't even include jobs like being a doctor or lawyer because your kids would be just about grown by the time you finished those paths.

In other words, a career like that would require you to do the things you either aren't willing to do or have never had anyone like me share with you what it took--what is the requirement? That you do things you're not comfortable doing. Like digging in with all you've got an finding a way to make it happen. Like taking a risk.

It's easier to have a job, do the same thing every single day as you slowly die--but at least your comfortable--where you do just enough to not get fired--and have someone else tell you what you're worth and give you an "allowance."

Doing well requires doing things that are hard and scary. Maybe, for you, it's a convo with the wife telling her how you really feel. Maybe it's looking deep at the budget. Maybe it's getting rid of things you enjoy. Maybe it's giving up your "guaranteed wage" you're currently earning. I don't know; I don't know your situation.

As long as you really believe that it's "okay" to blame your situation or circumstances for why you can provide something for YOUR family, then you'll never have to provide things for your family. 

I'm sure you're family will be okay, but is that what you really want? Do you want your kids to be "okay"? If so, don't worry about it. And your kids don't need a mom who stays home. My mom worked, too. My parents together earned about $2,500/mo. My rent alone is $2,700. Your kids will be okay. But if they want to be great they will have to do things they aren't comfortable doing--things that are hard and scary--and then grow. The funny part is that we are born to do those things. Have your kid be your inspiration--watch as it busts its ass and then gets up time and time again until it learns to walk. Why will he/she do this? Because failure is not an option. The kid was born to walk. 

As adults, we just don't like busting our asses, so we dont' even attempt to walk. We stay where we are so someone else can hand something to us. Why?


It's easier to sit around and do whatever you do and complain about how "you don't get paid what you're worth" than to make yourself worth more. And as long as this is the mindset you have, not only will you not start your own thing, you also won't be promoted because people who earn more treat their jobs as if they were the owners of the company and do their best--not to be okay--but to see how well they can do. 

So the real question isn't: What kind of job allows you to have your wife stay at home? Nor is it, "How can I find a job like that?" 

The real question is: "What kind of man am I going to be?" 

If we were still cavemen, you'd be able to protect your family against vermin and deer type animals, but if a Wolf or Bear came to the door you'd look at it and say, "I agree that it would be good to have a bigger rock at the door, I really WISH we could but nobody else in "my" family has one (so sorry)."

is that who you want to be? Stop waiting for someone to "allow" you to do something. Nobody is going to give you that much because you aren't worth that much--if you were, you'd already be making it.

So you want your wife to be able to stay home and raise your kids? Decide that it's going to happen. Make the decision and then make it right. 

None of this was intended to anger you. It's just the truth about who you currently are based on the decisions you've made and will ultimately be the story of who you become until you start making decisions based on what you want to have and what you'd really like to do instead of basing them on "what's most comfortable?" 

When you decide the things you want--like perhaps your wife staying home and raising YOUR children--the only part of you that survives your death--when you decide those things are more important to you than being comfortable--when you want those things as badly as a toddler wants to walk--then you'll find a way to do it. Until then you'll be who you've convinced yourself you are--a kid in a man's body--instead of what you really are--an unstoppable force of nature in a kid's body which has grown into the body of a man. 

There are two types of people in the world. One finds an excuse, the other finds a way. Which kind will you choose to be?

If you choose the first, I say to you: "Good luck; I hope your wishes come true." If you choose the latter, I say, "Have fun; keep moving forward when you're not, and you will find a way to make it happen."

The choice is yours.


----------



## Worthlesspiece

I too am in the same boat. I have done this twice in our marriage before. We have been together for 10 wonderful years and I have hurt her so much. This being the third time. Before it was with girls I never met before. This time it was 30 seconds with a friend of ours behind a car while my wife went to the bathroom. We had all been drinking heavily all night and it was like I wasn't even thinking. I had no thought of consequence or reminder of "hey, a**hole, you've been here before". The messed up thing later was, the friend ended up in our bed and we shared each other. I told my wife the very next day what happened behind the car and of course she was devastated. If it would have been just a matter of sharing our bed, that's one thing, but doing it without her there, that's the rub and the pain and the agony all over again. Mi thought I was done being stupid. Now we have returned to the dark black whole of infidelity that I am too accustomed with and hate it. I feel like a loser and hopeless and I have to be strong with two young boys who need both their parents. My wife is willing to struggle through, and that almost hurts me more. I want her to know that I do love her more than anything and I know I now have to traverse the mountain of trust that I worked hard to climb back up, only for me to cut the rope for some stupid drunken night. Now you understand the user name. Thoughts are welcomed.


----------



## PHTlump

Worthlesspiece said:


> Thoughts are welcomed.


If your judgment is impaired that much, you should give up drinking altogether.


----------



## Sara8

stvector said:


> We had been drinking prior and stupid me did that...but you know what? It may sound stupid, but I am happy she found it, it was killing me inside, I wasnt being myself with her....
> 
> If this makes us stronger and saves our marraige and family, then so be it...
> 
> Sometimes these terrible things must happen for Good or Bad...I do hope it is for the better here...though I know it will take Years and HARD WORK to make it happen.
> 
> I dont want to lose them, for nothing!!! (Should have thought about that before) But I must now try to win them back!


Affairs never make a marriage stronger. It's like humpty dumpty. 

All the kings horses and all the kings men could never put humpty together again, after he fell from the wall. 

They could glue him back together but glued things are still more fragile. 

IMO, the reasons so many people jump into affairs first rather than counseling is the silly myth that a marriage can be stronger after. 

Get that of your head. If you are luck enough for your marriage to survive this the old one is dead and a new one must begin. 

Can you find a skilled psychiatrist who is familiar with treating PTSD.

Seeing the video has caused major PTSD in your wife 

Each time you make love she will see that mind movie in her head. 

Sigh.


----------



## Sara8

stvector said:


> Exacly, I am trying to be honest letting it all out so see what I can do.
> 
> I had my iphone with me and well even before I was into just taking pics or doing a video with my wife as well....just something I did...
> 
> And that day we had drinks and things got to where I wished they never, I put myself in that place..no excuse....and I started to put it on my iphone, never showed my face...but poor her, poor wifey she saw my wedding ring and heard my voice...Poor Wife, the PAIN she must have felt....I deleted it right away once she confronted me, I could bare her to see it over and over again....
> 
> This is a long haul, I know...I do....But I hope she finds it in her to, as hard as it will be, forgive.....it will take LONG---but we have a beautiful boy and a new baby coming anytime soon....I dont want to lose them!


You should have deleted it immediately. What were you saving it for?

Was it a souvenir? Or did you want to get caught be cost you mistakenly believed the hype that an affair could make your marriage stronger. 

All marriages have issues, but counseling is the way to solve them, not an affair.


----------



## Sara8

stvector said:


> Indeed this is the road I must take with my head down...as it will take a long time to make things right again...but I 100% want to, no doubt in my mind!
> 
> About something being wrong in our marraige, she asked me that...she asked me if she did something wrong? etc.. I told her that NOTHING was her fault, it was all mine...not to say sorry to me for nothing..it is I that must appologize a million and more times....she has these moments of love, hate, anger...normal I guess...and so sad to see...it kills me....But back to the question, no....I must be totally honest when I say she is a PERFECT wife, she raises our son, cleans, cooks, loves me...who wouldnt want her? I cant put my finger on WHY I did it, nothing emotional, I am thinking it had to do more with something of the spur of the moment, etc...I dont even know how to explain it, I am not sure...why


Do you have low self esteem? Were you abused as a child? Is their something you resent about your wife and you are in denial about it. Are you viewing to much internet porn to the point of addiction?

Those are some of the reasons a spouse will cheat on a spouse that they are really happy with.

You might see a counselor alone to address these issues.


----------



## Sara8

highwood said:


> ...and understand that there will be times when she will be angry that she even has to monitor and check on you. Speaking from experience that pisses me off that now I have to, for my own peace of mind, check phone calls, texts, computer, etc. Something that I never thought of doing before.
> 
> This is one of those nightmarish situations where you think it will never happen to you and then when it does it hits you like a ton of bricks. The range of emotions is insane...I go somedays from feeling fine one hour to filling total rage the next. Terrible way to live...


Highwood makes excellent points, here. 

And, the more you believed that your spouse would NEVER BE A CHEATER, the harder it is for the spouse to process and heal from.


----------



## Poppy

As a BS who is still smarting from the sting of betrayal a year on I just want to ask you why you got her pregnant soon afterwards? If I was your W I would feel that you did that without allowing me the knowledge of your infidelity and allowing me to choose whether to commit to bringing another child into the world with you. That is what I would struggle with the most. Did you subconsciously do it to hold onto her?


----------



## Sara8

strongarmedjohn said:


> It cracks me up to see people talking about the video. Let me help you see some things using your words.
> 
> "Anything I say will be taken as a lie"
> 
> Well, why is that? I'm guessing you had a wedding of some sort and you said these really important words to each other called "vows." Remember the "forsaking all others" part? Yeah, well, you didn't do that. You are a liar. Step one--before you move forward you must acknowledge reality--you are a liar.
> 
> But you started lying before then. Your wife was pregnant, you weren't getting any, she was fat, probably not as hot as she was before kids, etc. Makes sense.
> 
> If you had proposed an amendment to your agreement (vows) and said, "I'm really missing sex--what would you think about me sleeping with this temp girl at the office who keeps hitting on me? If she'd been cool with it--BEFOREHAND--and you agreed, that's called an amendment. If you brought it up and she wasn't okay with it, then it would absolutely not be within the realm of possibility for you to be with someone else because your commitment isn't "to her" it's to your word--your vows.
> 
> And then something odd would have happened-regardless of whether or not she was okay with you enjoying some on the side while she couldn't provide, you would have wanted it far, far less because what you, and everyone really wants--is honesty and openness--because that is true intimacy. People get so bent out of shape about "cheating"--consider that word--cheating--what does it mean? That you broke the rules. Which rules? The ones you swore to follow before the game began--your vows. It's not the sex--the sex exposes a hoarde of fears like being rejected--which is why her initial response was "what did I do...?"--it's the lies the sex exposes so blatantly.
> 
> Because you were worried about not "hurting her feelings" you stopped being honest with her about what you were wanting. You were saying, "I don't think you can handle what I'm going to tell you--i.e. I don't trust you to do what you said you would do "till death do us part" if I tell you how I really feel about really wanting to have sex with something. If you had been committed to your word, you would realize "for better or worse" is also part of the vows for a reason--"love" doesn't mean "happy" or "fulfill your every need"--you promised to love her for better or worse, so if she said, "I'll pass on the part about meaningless sex" you might not have liked it, but you would have honored it because it takes two people to amend a contract but only one liar to break it.
> 
> But this is a very high level concept involving commitment. And there is no way you would have the sack to pull it off judging from your other comments. Regardless, it's too late now, but if you don't start being this radically honest now you won't be able to save your marriage.
> 
> Here is where you are still avoiding responsibility:
> 
> 1. ...girl who "meant nothing" to me...
> 
> What difference does it make? You put your penis in another woman's vagina without the consent of your wife. You broke your vow. You lied. You are still trying to make it okay by writing crap like "meant nothing" to me. It doesn't matter what she meant. You broke a vow. You violated your contract. I believe that she "meant nothing" to you--totally possible--I believe your wife means a lot to you--you wanted to have sex--that's part of life. But it doesn't change the fact that you said you wouldn't in the oral contract that created your marriage called your vows. Until you own that, why would the person you screwed over in that contract want to enter into another one with you?
> 
> 2. ..how his life "will be" without a father...
> 
> You've already given up. In your mind, you're assuming your son wont' have a father. Even if you choose to not be man enough to restore the integrity in your marriage, why would you stop being your son's father? What you're really doing is feeling sorry for yourself and thinking about how this affects you. Which isn't surprising--someone who haven't developed the character to maintain their personal integrity very rarely care about anyone besides himself. Why? Because things happen "to you"--and if they are challenging (keeping your vows while your wife is pregnant, for instance) you collapse and make excuses like "she meant nothing to me." Dude, knock it off--you are being pathetic. If you were doing well enough for your wife to stay home with kids, you have some drive in you--suck it up, be a man--and no matter what the woman you lied to you call your wife decides, be a dad.
> 
> 3. ..."was" so dependent on me...
> 
> Again, past tense--as in over--as in "nothing I can do about it." She was dependent on you and guess what--you didn't come through in the clutch, bro. You choked. What she was really depending on (even if she didn't realize it) was to do what you said you would do. You didn't. It's not about the P-in-V it's about the lie the P-in-V exposed.
> 
> 4. She "has the right" to leave me...
> 
> You say this "has a right" stuff a lot. It's as if you're trying to convince yourself of something that should be brutally honest. Dude, she "has the right" to do whatever the hell she wants to do. She always has--f'n that girl didn't "give her the right" because you screwed up--it just reminded her of an option she had previously completely written off in her mind because when she said, "till death do us part", she meant it. You not coming through just reminded her that she had an option because someone who understands and is committed really doesn't have an option in her mind--for better or worse--period. You broke your part of the contract. Of course she has the right to do whatever she wants. If you'd actually accept responsibility for not being who you promised to be when you became a husband that day you said those words to this woman, she may remember that she said, "for better or worse" and work through this with you. Of course she'll have a hard time trusting you. Just like you had a hard time not f'n that chick when she was fat and needy. How do you grow?
> 
> By doing hard and scary things. Anything you do to try and "make her" trust you will backfire because it's a ploy. The only thing you can do is be a trustworthy person and let her decide if she is willing to take her commitment seriously enough to continue moving forward with you. And right now you aren't trustworthy because you're still making excuses for what you did. A trustworthy person does what he says he will regardless of difficulty. But messing up is a good opportunity to learn and grow.
> 
> 5. STUPID ME for making her suffer like this…
> 
> If you think someone else can make you happy, you'll never be trustworthy because as soon as it gets hard--the time you really need your commitment to see you through so you can grow--you will look elsewhere.
> 
> You think you're making her suffer. That's not true. Your lie is allowing her face extreme fears about herself--like not being good enough. You lied because it was easier. And you continue to lie because it's easier. You can't "make her" feel/do anything. Take responsibility for yourself.
> 
> It's important for you to understand the sex isn't what caused this. If it were, she would have been confronted with this the moment your P hit that V. Your lack of being big enough--not having grown to the point--where you could keep your vows at a very, very difficult time has brought crashing down what she thought her future was going to look like, and she doesn't know what she can count on from you--so that's scary. It's like a death because she lost something. Check out the stages of mourning. Anyway--you didn't "make" her suffer.
> 
> Your lying destroyed the illusion of safety (the stronger and bigger you are, from a character standpoint, the bigger things you can overcome--thus the "safety" illusion--you're only safe "up to a point"--that point is dependent on your character--of which you didn't have enough to follow through at a very difficult time)--and this lack of safety brought out the fear inside her.
> 
> 6. We had been drinking prior...
> 
> Again, another excuse. Nobody every does anything drunk they don't want to do sober. What you're basically saying is, "I have enough character to follow through on my commitments when I'm sober and things are pretty easy (wife not pregnant/no girl that wants me) but if I'm drunk and someone wants me and I'm not getting any, I can't be trusted to do what I said I would. You still want an excuse. You still want someone--someone on this board?--to tell you that it's okay. That it's going to be okay. I'm here to tell you that as long as you are looking for an excuse, it absolutely won't be because having the type of character to overcome all of the hurt she's going to throw at you and all of the anger and all of the accusations when you're two seconds late somewhere and all the times she's going to break into tears before she trusts you again--the character it takes to do that and to continue to love her during that "words" is FAR MORE than the character it would have taken to not bang that girl or to talk to your wife beforehand. And you don't grow in character when you're still making excuses. Man up.
> 
> 7. I "need to" SAVE MY FAMILY AND MARRIAGE!!!!
> 
> I "need to" lose some weight. I "need to" stop spending so much money. I "need to" stop watching porn. I "need to" stop drinking. I "need to" stop beating my kids. Blah, blah, blah. Make the decision that you are going to, and then do everything you can to save your marriage--ie, show that you are someone capable of keeping your word--and you may have a chance. As long as you "need to", it means that you don't think you can. You can't make her do what she said you would. By being the person you said you were, she may decide to. But it starts with a decision. You don't know if you'll be able to do it because you currently lack the character it takes. Commitment in the face of conflict yields character. You can still be a great example and leader for your sons even if you can't "save your marriage" if you grow. You don't need to "save your marriage"--you need to restore your integrity and keep your word.
> 
> 8. I was ready to take my life….
> 
> Because you run and hide like a wussdog instead of facing things. Again, lack of character. That you would even consider this as an option shows how weak your decisions have made you.
> 
> 9. I don’t "want to" lose my wife...
> 
> I don't "want to" be fat. I don't "want to" be unemployed. Blah, blah. You can't control what her decision is, but focusing on "not losing" your wife will make you--especially at your current character level of development--to look for easy ways to do it that will fail. It's not in your control. Little kids make decisions based on what they want to do. Men make decisions based on what they said they would do. It doesn't matter what you want. But it does matter (for you and your sons) who you are. If you will be a man and take responsibility, and grow, you may have a chance for her to decide to grow and be with you. Otherwise, you're either screwed immediately or ultimately.
> 
> 10. I have no excuse for what I did…
> 
> You have SO MANY Excuses:
> 1. She was pregnant
> 2. You were drunk
> 3. She meant nothing
> 4. You are stupid (which you wrote a ton of times--which means, "It's not my fault I made a bad decision, I'm stupid, it's not my fault)
> 
> Blah, blah, blah
> 
> And here's another excuse:
> 
> 11. I never spoke to that girl again "as she moved far away"
> 
> I never killed any other New Yorkers because I moved to Africa. I never did heroine after that night because the only dealer I knew moved away. I never beat my kids after that day because the state put them in a home. You are a sad, sad man.
> 
> You can't even admit that you enjoyed f'n that chick. Sad. You loved it. The only thing that stopped you from doing it again was lack of opportunity. She "made you" feel good. Which is what you think relationships are about. You want to be a kid and have someone take care of you. If I were your wife, this would piss me off.
> 
> 12. I can’t believe how low I went, how stupid I was.
> 
> I can. You're still looking for an excuse. It's written everywhere in your post. What are you going to do about it?



Wow, well said, I hope the OP takes your advice. 

I wish I could like the post a gazillion times.


----------



## Complexity

Guys it's a dead thread. The op is long gone.


----------



## donny64

> Last night, I even spoke to my son telling him if he never saw me again…to be a great kid, listen, grow up loving God etc…as I was ready to take my life….But how could I? How could I leave them?


I stopped here...

Stop being a freakin' puzzy. Man the phuck up. First, you cheat on your pregnant wife. Then you tell your kid in essence that he might not see you again. And instead of taking responsibility for your actions you want to compound the betrayal to your wife and family by taking the easy way out and taking your life?

You must have a pair somewhere if you've managed to father two children. I suggest you find them fast and start acting like a damn man.


----------



## Sara8

Complexity said:


> Guys it's a dead thread. The op is long gone.


Oops, thank you, Complexity. I need to check dates.


----------



## alte Dame

Isn't this an old thread, revived by a different user, Worthlesspiece, to ask for advice?


----------



## donny64

Complexity said:


> Guys it's a dead thread. The op is long gone.


D'oh!!!

Damn zombie threads!!!


----------



## Pyroguy

sigma1299 said:


> Ok - another guy who cheated on an amazing woman here. First - man up and accept responsibility. Say I did it and I'll pay the prices. All this wringing your hands and whining just makes you look pathetic. You cheated on your wife standing up, pay the prices the same way. Yes be apologetic, yes tell your wife how sorry you are, yes tell her you love her but dammit take the consequences like a man. You never should have let her tell both families - you should have been the one to do it. Go to both families and confess to them to - in her presence - let her see you own it. Yes it's going to suck but cheating carries a big price tag.
> 
> ....
> 
> Stop sniveling and whining. You didn't snivel and whine when you slept with the OW, don't do it now. Show your wife you love her, that you are remorseful and that you can be a better man than your actions.


Sigma, this took the words right out of my mouth.

STVector, you fell when you were weak...so stop exhibiting weak behavior. Right now, she needs you to be strong. She's feeling a multitude of negative emotions right now, about you AND herself (how can she NOT think she hasn't failed you in some way, and don't want to tell her?), and she needs you to be strong. You have a long road ahead to reestablish trust, but dragging yourself through the mud won't help that.

As a male victim of infidelity by my first wife, I know by experience that we don't stop loving that person...we're just madder than a hornet, and hurt/betrayed beyond belief, both at the same time. But we wouldn't have those feelings if love wasn't the main underlying emotion. 

Encourage her over and over how much you love her...do small things that prove your feelings. And the more you admit what you did, especially to others (but there is no need to take out ads in the paper...not everyone has a need to know), will show her that you are willing to face the consequences of your actions, and shows that you admit that it wasn't HER in any way, but just you. In this way, you absolve her of being in any way responsible for what happened, to your circle of friends and family. Part of what she is feeling is embarrassment, and being the man means you take away all her reasons to feel embarrassed, so she can still stand next to you with her head held high, where she can be acknowledged for the high virtue of her forgiveness towards you.

Best wishes to you.


----------



## Pyroguy

Complexity said:


> Guys it's a dead thread. The op is long gone.


*ahem*...well, yes....ummm...so it is.

(insert cartoon clip of cartoon characters head morphing into a donkey's head and audio clip of "EEEE-hawwww EEEE-hawwww", followed by cartoon characters face turning beet red)

Yeah, I'm a Noobie here, and need to watch those dates, myself.


----------

