# Phone Communication with Wife



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

My wife is on her phone frequently due to her work. She is available 24/7 and has to spend a lot of time on the phone. It’s the nature of her job and I’m not worried in them least about it being anything nefarious.

The problem is it can be really difficult to get a response from her via text and she rarely answers when I call her. I’ll get a call back pretty quickly in most cases but rarely does she answer.

A couple of days ago she was coming home from a work conference in another part of the state and she texted “stuck on the highway wreck”. I assumed it was someone else in a wreck but I wanted to verify so I texted “not you, right?” and I got absolutely no response. Finally 15 minutes later she texted back “no”. By then I saw her location had moved (we share are locations) so I knew she was OK but it was just more of the pattern of her not responding even when a specific question was asked.

I could easily deal with this if it were not for how she communicates when we are together. She will be talking to me and literally stop mod sentence to return a text, not a phone call but a text. I’ve pointed it out to her several times but she hasn’t really done any better. I often have to chase her down and ask what she was trying to ask me because she never got it out. I’m upset about the double standard but then she gets mad if I bring it up.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Familiarity breeds contempt.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Work is her priority. She did get back to you within 15 minutes. Maybe pick your battles. You're p1$$ed that it's not instantaneous. Yes it would be nice if you got the same treatment as work obligations but you don't. Try to be more accepting of the fact that she does return calls promptly.


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## Chillidog (Nov 5, 2020)

She's obviously cheating, 180, grey rock, polygraph, separate, divorce. That should fix it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> I often have to chase her down and ask what she was trying to ask me because she never got it out.


Maybe stop doing that?


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Chillidog said:


> She's obviously cheating, 180, grey rock, polygraph, separate, divorce. That should fix it.


Obviously


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

Deal with it.

Why? If you don't, it will continue to grow and fester within you and there's a good chance, that like 4 year or so down the line it's become an 800 pound gorilla in your midst.

She shouldn't be defensive, that's one issue.

Seriously, so many people wait TOO long to go to counseling.

Folks get to choose. Some live to work, most work to live. It seems like the two of you aren't on the same page regarding this and that needs to be addressed.

If the two of you can't, insist on counseling. Don't leave these unattended and just keep on keeping on regarding this.

You will begin to resent this, resent her and ugly things have a way of happening when that happens.


Would she "ignore" her phone in a counseling session?

This needs to be resolved in some form or fashion, if not it won't end well, even if it takes another few years.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Part of the issue is that she’s really a people pleaser and she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down. She also is terrible at multi-tasking and I think it makes her quite anxious. I think with me she feels like I will understand and won’t hold it against her and she’s correct to a certain extent but it’s very frustrating and feels very disrespectful for her to stop mid sentence to text someone back especially in light of her not returning my texts immediately. It’s not just work either, it’s also personal stuff. Yesterday we had a combined birthday party for our 2 boys (their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) and the party was at a location some of the parents had never been to before. So they were texting her with questions and I think it was making her anxious.

Again, I understand what’s at the root of her behavior and I feel I’m giving her a lot of leeway but I hate the whole stopping in the middle of the conversation to answer a text. It’s not even “I need to answer this real quick” she just stops mid sentence and walks away.

When I was a resident I remember a time when I had 2 pagers and a phone ringing at once and a nurse standing at the door needing me. That was real pressure. I guess I’m not adverse to just making people wait their turn. I’m definitely not a people pleaser. 😂


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Try starting small. No phones at the dinner table whether it’s at home or in a restaurant. 
Progress to no phones when you are taking a walk together.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Decades ago, I played had to play the role of mediator between two friends that I also shared a professional relationship with. During this mediation, one of them said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

The main complaint by Friend One was that Friend Two would use niceties and general manners and all their best behavior for everyone around us, until it was just the two or three of us. Once everyone else was out of earshot, all general manners were pretty much out the window, especially if Friend Two was having a bad day. Friend Two was exasperated, and exclaimed, "Yes, but I treat YOU badly, because I can! We are friends and I know you will forgive me." Friend One stated, "Not for much longer."

That was the day it finally hit home just how badly we treat those that are closest to us. And unless we get a wake up call, some will continue to abuse that free pass to act our worse. Its time for your wife to have a wake up call, because she doesn't see it yet. If you have to, say the actual words, out loud, "It demoralizes me, it demeans me, it makes me feel unimportant to you." Make sure you have her attention about it, because it will not get better. Andy1001 summed it up more classically, Familiarity breeds contempt.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Must admit that a message saying 'stuck on the highway wreck' is clearly her being just that. Stuck. Not involved.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CallingDrLove said:


> My wife is on her phone frequently due to her work. She is available 24/7 and has to spend a lot of time on the phone. It’s the nature of her job and I’m not worried in them least about it being anything nefarious.
> 
> The problem is it can be really difficult to get a response from her via text and she rarely answers when I call her. I’ll get a call back pretty quickly in most cases but rarely does she answer.
> 
> ...


You’re at the bottom of her priority list. Welcome to the club.

She won’t change because she has no reason to do so. Give her a reason to do so. My wife started to change when I told her she could have a divorce anytime she wanted it, that I was done being the only one putting anything into our relationship.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> she’s really a people pleaser and she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down. She also is terrible at multi-tasking and I think it makes her quite anxious. I think with me she feels like I will understand and won’t hold it against her and she’s correct to a certain extent but it’s very frustrating and feels very disrespectful for her to stop mid sentence to text someone back especially in light of her not returning my texts immediately


She's a people pleaser -- except for YOU?
Guess what -- you are starting to NOT be understanding and this will lead to a TON of resentment (even more than you have now).
You need to talk to her about this and let her know that YOU are not going to be understanding about being the one she blows off. YOU should be the #1 priority relationship for her.

Also, you may want to try this: NO cell phone usage for the last two hours before bed. Just have her turn it off (and you turn off yours). Tell her that it is WAY too intrusive and starting to affect your marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Try starting small. No phones at the dinner table whether it’s at home or in a restaurant.
> Progress to no phones when you are taking a walk together.


She's on call 24/7. She can't do that. She needs to keep work number one but at least move him into the number two position. I don't know what she's doing when her work texts or calls her but she very well may be having to look something up.

Does she have both a work phone and a personal phone so that she could text you while listening on the other phone? I just know she can't not be answering her work when she's being paid to do so.

What she really needs is to not have a 24/7 on call but all I know she may be getting paid a whole lot of money and not be doing that much work just to answer that phone so it may well be worth it.

I'm on call in the mornings but I don't have to go anywhere anymore so it's almost like free money. But I would never have agreed to 24/7 unless it was unbelievable amount of money to be on call. I had a job the end of the 90s where I was on call for 6 or 8 hours. I can't remember. And it was usually busy. You certainly couldn't plan anything that you couldn't up and leave. 

I think the part that he needs to focus on adjusting is letting her keep the job the number one priority because that's her job but when the job is quiet and they have some time together, unless it's a kid crisis, that's when she should be trying to chill and communicate with her husband. It's easy to say for her to set aside all of her other social stuff until later but when you're on call 24/7 you don't even know if there's going to be time later.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

We are actually both on call 24 hours a day for our job. My job it’s just a week at a time every other week. She’s a prosecuting attorney and it’s an elected position. It’s rare that she gets phone calls at night but if a big crime goes down the police will call her at night and occasionally she’ll have to go track down a judge to get a warrant signed or even go to a crime scene herself.

I’m on call with the hospital and I’m actually way more likely to get called in the middle of the night with my work.

Please don’t assume too much based on what I’ve written. She’s actually an extremely loving, giving, and affectionate wife.

Part of the issue is that she actually gets so many calls and texts that’s sometimes she doesn’t see them. Sometimes she’ll hear an alert but sometimes it will be just a quiet chirp on her Apple Watch.

I honestly think the biggest thing is she gets overwhelmed with the amount of competing requests for her attention. I’m actually pretty understanding of her situation. The only thing that really bothers me that much is how she stops mid sentence to answer a text. When I bring this stuff up she is initially a little annoyed but she does try to work on it. Maybe I’m making too big a deal of all this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CallingDrLove said:


> Part of the issue is that she’s really a people pleaser and she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down. She also is terrible at multi-tasking and I think it makes her quite anxious. I think with me she feels like I will understand and won’t hold it against her and she’s correct to a certain extent but it’s very frustrating and feels very disrespectful for her to stop mid sentence to text someone back especially in light of her not returning my texts immediately. It’s not just work either, it’s also personal stuff. Yesterday we had a combined birthday party for our 2 boys (their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) and the party was at a location some of the parents had never been to before. So they were texting her with questions and I think it was making her anxious.
> 
> Again, I understand what’s at the root of her behavior and I feel I’m giving her a lot of leeway but I hate the whole stopping in the middle of the conversation to answer a text. It’s not even “I need to answer this real quick” she just stops mid sentence and walks away.
> 
> When I was a resident I remember a time when I had 2 pagers and a phone ringing at once and a nurse standing at the door needing me. That was real pressure. I guess I’m not adverse to just making people wait their turn. I’m definitely not a people pleaser. 😂


If she's a people pleaser it's obvious she doesn't include you in her category of people to please.

You need to stop texting and calling her. Time will pass and you'll see if she ever notices.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Try to stop calling her and even answering her calls even if the Apocalypse happens.
Do it for a significative time regardless she likes it or not.
Make it a non negotiable thing.
It may work as once did it for me.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


CallingDrLove said:


> Part of the issue is that she’s really a people pleaser and she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down. She also is terrible at multi-tasking and I think it makes her quite anxious. I think with me she feels like I will understand and won’t hold it against her and she’s correct to a certain extent but it’s very frustrating and feels very disrespectful for her to stop mid sentence to text someone back especially in light of her not returning my texts immediately. It’s not just work either, it’s also personal stuff. Yesterday we had a combined birthday party for our 2 boys (their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) and the party was at a location some of the parents had never been to before. So they were texting her with questions and I think it was making her anxious.
> 
> Again, I understand what’s at the root of her behavior and I feel I’m giving her a lot of leeway but I hate the whole stopping in the middle of the conversation to answer a text. It’s not even “I need to answer this real quick” she just stops mid sentence and walks away.
> 
> When I was a resident I remember a time when I had 2 pagers and a phone ringing at once and a nurse standing at the door needing me. That was real pressure. I guess I’m not adverse to just making people wait their turn. I’m definitely not a people pleaser. 😂


Hey, just a thought, but could your wife work on being less of a people pleaser? 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like her being a people pleaser is a bit of a problem not only in your marriage but for her as well, like when you said "she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down".

Just a thought.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> Hey, just a thought, but could your wife work on being less of a people pleaser?
> 
> ...


All except when she's letting H down. That's the clincher for a decision making pow wow with her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> Part of the issue is that she’s really a people pleaser and she gets extremely anxious if she feels she is letting people down. She also is terrible at multi-tasking and I think it makes her quite anxious. I think with me she feels like I will understand and won’t hold it against her and she’s correct to a certain extent but it’s very frustrating and feels very disrespectful for her to stop mid sentence to text someone back especially in light of her not returning my texts immediately. It’s not just work either, it’s also personal stuff. Yesterday we had a combined birthday party for our 2 boys (their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) and the party was at a location some of the parents had never been to before. So they were texting her with questions and I think it was making her anxious.
> 
> Again, I understand what’s at the root of her behavior and I feel I’m giving her a lot of leeway but I hate the whole stopping in the middle of the conversation to answer a text. It’s not even “I need to answer this real quick” she just stops mid sentence and walks away.
> 
> When I was a resident I remember a time when I had 2 pagers and a phone ringing at once and a nurse standing at the door needing me. That was real pressure. I guess I’m not adverse to just making people wait their turn. I’m definitely not a people pleaser. 😂


that’s not the problem.
The problem is you are LOW on her priority list.

IF she was a true people pleaser- she would also be trying to please YOU. But - consistently she isn’t.

so you aren’t that important to her. Have you asked her “why not?”


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would have done snatched the phone and told her when she gets through with our conversation, she can respond. That she is being very rude! 

If you ain't up to snatching a phone, when she goes to text...walk away/go outside and make her come looking for you if she wants to finish the conversation. 
Or
Go to the store...don't answer or respond. Then tell her your time is valuable also and because you are married it does not give her permission to **** on you like she has been doing!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m upset about the double standard but then she gets mad if I bring it up.





CallingDrLove said:


> I hate the whole stopping in the middle of the conversation to answer a text. It’s not even “I need to answer this real quick” she just stops mid sentence and walks away.





CallingDrLove said:


> Please don’t assume too much based on what I’ve written. She’s actually an extremely loving, giving, and affectionate wife.


Well, if she's actually as "extremely" loving, giving, and affectionate as you claim, I doubt you'd be posting about her behavior here.

She gets mad when you try to address her dropping a conversation with you mid sentence. It's bothering you. Apparently, at this point, she sees no reason to change a behavior that bothers you. She doesn't sound all that "giving" to me. jmo


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She is disrespecting you because you have ALLOWED it. Then you go even further to call her loving and giving? I love honk you help her disrespect you by describing her that way when he actions prove the opposite!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are not a priority in your wife’s life.

It took 8 years for me to figure that out in my relationship. Everyone else came first.

From my point of view.

I was the only one getting interrupted in mid sentence. My wife would take a call from her family and that was it for our conversation. If I had to ask a question when she was on the phone, she would give me a dirty look and leave the room.

All of her other commitments were more important then the one we have as husband and wife. Damn the relationship as long as she was able to fulfill her other obligations.

The two of you need to work this out sooner then later.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

What's with men "pointing out" bad behavior like it's a cardinal or blue jay in the backyard?

"Babe, stop with the texting until we're done talking". If she gets upset and doesn't listen after a few warnings start mirroring the behavior. When she's in the middle of a sentence put your hand up to stop her and get on your phone for a minute or two. Rinse and repeat until she gets the hint.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You say that she’s a people pleaser but that doesn’t seem to apply to you. I could understand if it was happening sometimes, especially during her busy time but if it’s always happening then it’s a sign that she doesn’t have to please you. 

You already spoke to her about how her lack of responsiveness to your calls or text makes you feel like she doesn’t value you. Another discussion is just going to make her think you’re being needy. Instead, If your job gives you more downtime, then you should find other activities for that time or other people to talk with. Maybe if she notices that you’re not there as much, she will grow to appreciate your attempts at interacting with her.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I know the modus operadi here is to assume the absolute worst about every situation and then come out guns blazing. In retrospect I’ve probably vastly overstated the situation. I don’t just inundate my wife with texts. In fact looking at my phone it’s probably 55% her texting me and 45% me texting her. I’m not some big pushover like some seem to be projecting here. I hate the term because it’s thrown around too much by douchebag pickup artists and delusional recently divorced men but my wife calls me an alpha male frequently. Assume whatever you want but I know my self and I know my marriage. My biggest issue is the stopping mid sentence to return a text. I don’t even think it’s an issue of disrespect but an issue of her being overwhelmed and not a good multitasker. I’ve mentioned it to her and she said she would work on it. She even changed her text tone to something loud and annoying so she wouldn’t miss my texts.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> I know the modus operadi here is to assume the absolute worst about every situation and then come out guns blazing. In retrospect I’ve probably vastly overstated the situation. I don’t just inundate my wife with texts. In fact looking at my phone it’s probably 55% her texting me and 45% me texting her. I’m not some big pushover like some seem to be projecting here. I hate the term because it’s thrown around too much by douchebag pickup artists and delusional recently divorced men but my wife calls me an alpha male frequently. Assume whatever you want but I know my self and I know my marriage. My biggest issue is the stopping mid sentence to return a text. I don’t even think it’s an issue of disrespect but an issue of her being overwhelmed and not a good multitasker. I’ve mentioned it to her and she said she would work on it. She even changed her text tone to something loud and annoying so she wouldn’t miss my texts.



If you say so, then I see no problems, since is really not that much significant to you. Just carry on dude.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The issue i have with stopping in the middle of a conversation - NO job is that important to require instant responses (unless you have your finger on the nuke button). The problem is that bosses LOVE to say how critical responses are and you need to be instantly available. Its hogwash. Nothing a prosecutor does requires interrupting in mid sentence. She's just been brainwashed into believing that she has to. That it's "expected". She needs to break that habit.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> The issue i have with stopping in the middle of a conversation - NO job is that important to require instant responses (unless you have your finger on the nuke button). The problem is that bosses LOVE to say how critical responses are and you need to be instantly available. Its hogwash. Nothing a prosecutor does requires interrupting in mid sentence. She's just been brainwashed into believing that she has to. That it's "expected". She needs to break that habit.


She’s the elected prosecutor, she is the boss. It’s not just work related stuff. In retrospect I think a lot of it is she’s easily overwhelmed and doesn’t multi task well and she thinks she’ll forget if she doesn’t do it right away.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> She’s the elected prosecutor, she is the boss. It’s not just work related stuff. In retrospect I think a lot of it is she’s easily overwhelmed and doesn’t multi task well and she thinks she’ll forget if she doesn’t do it right away.


She can wait 5 minutes to respond. It's HER issue that she pressures herself. If she checks her phone so often, she will see she has an unread text. Doing what she is doing is just flat out rude to the person she is MOST supposed to care about.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> She’s the elected prosecutor, she is the boss. It’s not just work related stuff. In retrospect I think a lot of it is she’s easily overwhelmed and doesn’t multi task well and she thinks she’ll forget if she doesn’t do it right away.


she wouldn’t forget if it’s important.
She just prefers to make sure you are low on her priority.
Why haven’t you expressed that this doesn’t work for you? It’s mean of her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m not some big pushover like some seem to be projecting here.


You have a point. Have you considered posting about your issue on other forums? I'm not saying that to be snarky, but perhaps you would get different perspectives. JMO


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