# Anxiety and Marriage - Advice desparately needed



## Diane5045 (Jan 3, 2011)

First, this is my first post, so "hi" to everyone. I desparately need some advice or mainly some understanding. I suffer from social anxiety - more the negative thoughts and beliefs and measuring up in comparison to others in social settings. I am on medication for the condition, however as with any medical condition, I have an occassional flare-up. Here's the background: My husband and I have been together a little over a year now. I made him aware of my anxiety right from the start of our relationship. He admits he does not understand it at all - why I go through what I go through. He has little patience for me during these times. Story: He and his first wife were married for over 20 years and have been divorced for 10. They have two children who live with her (23 yrs old and 17 yrs old). We live in the house they had built together - that's my first issue - dealing with the 20 years of memories on a daily basis. The backyard pavilion has both his family and her family names written in the cement flooring - that's my second issue. Constant reminder of his previous marriage. Yes, I know I may be overreacting but I can't stop these feelings. My husband's uncle passed away (his father's brother) on Friday. The funeral is tomorrow. I just learned last night that this uncle is also his ex-wife's uncle (her father's sister's husband). The viewing and funeral will consist totally of his family and his ex's family. I would truly be the only "outsider" there (we've only married for 4 months). I went into a total anxiety panic mode last night. I wasn't angry or anything like that, just very anxious. When I attempted to talk to my husband about it - to help me through it, he got very angry and raised his voice. Said the next event on my side of the family, he wouldn't attend. Again, he does not have anxiety and totally does not understand what one goes through. I was caught off guard by his anger and comment and just didn't respond. We haven't spoken to each other since. He works 12-hour shifts and worked last night from 7pm to 7am. In the year and half we have been together, he ALWAYS calls me from work between 10pm and 11pm and then ALWAYS calls me at 6am to wake me for work ... last night and this morning - Nothing. What do I do?? All this is doing is making my anxiety worse.


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## meganjo (Jan 29, 2011)

what you feel is a common one in human being the possessiveness or to say the insecure feeling... It is wise to tell him what you feel and moreover shifting your house is the better one. He feels that you didn't respect their family or you hurt him by saying no to his uncle funeral ceremony. So talk to him.

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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

I like the idea of bouncing your ideas or potential overreactions with someone that will give you a very good sense as to what is a reasonable expectation.

your husband is probably upset about the funeral and wants to be supported. 

as per the other things, they are separate issues you need to figure out. 

as per anxiety issues, having been to groups for PP depression, the women with anxiety stress and taking meds for them, often said that the best therapy they have given themselves is to work internally, finding ways to cope with each 'attack'. noticing the signs and doing the necessary steps to calm yourself.

as per marriage, it will take years to gain the experience necessary for your husband to truly understand you (and your anxiety) and appreciate you. I know it's hard but as soon as you rely on something, it is going to disappoint you. Seeing conditions as they are, helps keep them distant from expectations on something (healthy food) or someone (HB) becoming a disappointment. 

It sucks to have a stressful thing occur and then have to deal with an anxiety attack and want your husband to jump on board to just go with the flow of helping you through it and he leave the room. Rrrr. I have dealt with PPD for the last year and a half and there have been many many times my husband cannot handle it anymore. Can't handle sitting with me and listening to my talk about the same old condition. 

Our spouses can only handle so much, and right now, it's the death of his uncle. It really sucks you will be the only one there that's not in the loop, but who cares? you married him, you should be proud he chose you and you to him. just go the funeral, everyone is expecting you to be there anyway. why so worried?


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