# In need of a quick slap in the face



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So I documented my involvement with a women from my church and I unfortunately find myself here again. I almost certainly know what I should do regarding this situation and really came here to vent and to get any advise I can. Here's what happened this time:

After roughly 4-5 months of NC, I get a text. I ignore it for a couple of hours. Then I get another text to which I respond. A week later, we have sex. I figured it to be a "booty call" and quickly dismiss it as such so there wasn't any real attempts at continued communication on my part. Yes, I know it's wrong but it happened.

In the following days, she initiates more conversations through text causing me to now start thinking I might actually have a shot with her. Being cautious, I decided I'd lay low for a few days. After 3-4 days of NC, she reaches out by saying how much she likes me and thinks about me. I've gone several days without texting her a few times now. Each time she will reach out to me to open up communication. I've attempted to make a couple of dates with her but her kids and hectic schedule almost always prevents that, or though she says.

I call BS and I believe I'm pretty accurate in my assessment. I believe she's just trying to hang on to me for her benefit for a little while. I've decided I don't want to be hung on to unless it's real so I've again decided to end all contact, which is why I'm here. I was perfectly fine when we just politely acknowledged each other in passing. 

When I think about texting her, I've decided to come here and vent instead. Thanks all for your comments in advance.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> Thanks all for your comments in advance.


Accept that she's not interested in a relationship and enjoy having a booty call every few months. I don't think that there is anything you need to communicate to her. She's not interested in hearing about your 'deep seeded feelings' or why a booty call makes it difficult for you to forget about her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It's called no strings attached sex. Enjoy it! Keep looking for someone better in the mean time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)




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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She likes you for the ego kibbles you give her. When you pull away, she reels you back in again, so that you can remind her how great she is. Once she has you on the hook as a devoted fan again, she forgets about you. She might be doing this with other men as well. If this is true, she is not relationship material, because she will probably always need this attention from men, and it will never be enough.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> She might be doing this with other men as well.


... so hopefully you are protecting yourself when engaging with her.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Steve1000 said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks all for your comments in advance.
> ...


I agree 100%.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

GuyInColorado said:


> It's called no strings attached sex. Enjoy it! Keep looking for someone better in the mean time.


Unfortunately, no strings attached sex is not what I'm after. It's great but just not what I'm after. I'm just soooo attracted to her that it's hard to say no. Soooo hard!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Tatsuhiko said:


> She likes you for the ego kibbles you give her. When you pull away, she reels you back in again, so that you can remind her how great she is. Once she has you on the hook as a devoted fan again, she forgets about you. She might be doing this with other men as well. If this is true, she is not relationship material, because she will probably always need this attention from men, and it will never be enough.


Yep. That's exactly what I was thinking!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Tatsuhiko said:
> 
> 
> > She might be doing this with other men as well.
> ...


Every time!!!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It is possible to turn a NSA into a relationship if you are patient and willing to take a risk. You just have to realize that you'll be a in a quasi dating situation until she decides she wants to change the relationship. The way to do that is when she texts, you ask her out and have a date. Then afterwards wait for her to text again and then set another date. Eventually, you get into the pattern of casually dating. Absolutely do not bring up having a relationship with her. If her feelings change she'll let you know and then you can have a more committed relationship. If they don't change you can decide at what point you want to end things with her. If you try to force a relationship with her as part of the dating process and she's not ready for one, it just won't work. Nothing wrong with not seeing her either, if that is where you stand.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> Unfortunately, no strings attached sex is not what I'm after. It's great but just not what I'm after. I'm just soooo attracted to her that it's hard to say no. Soooo hard!


mark i suggest that you stay master of your domain, and just tell her no. there is no law that say yo have to have sex with her, its in the Bro Code


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Bananapeel said:


> It is possible to turn a NSA into a relationship if you are patient and willing to take a risk. You just have to realize that you'll be a in a quasi dating situation until she decides she wants to change the relationship. The way to do that is when she texts, you ask her out and have a date. Then afterwards wait for her to text again and then set another date. Eventually, you get into the pattern of casually dating. Absolutely do not bring up having a relationship with her. If her feelings change she'll let you know and then you can have a more committed relationship. If they don't change you can decide at what point you want to end things with her. If you try to force a relationship with her as part of the dating process and she's not ready for one, it just won't work. Nothing wrong with not seeing her either, if that is where you stand.


I was told this by someone else also and I agree it's possible. I also agree that bringing up a relationship with her would be detrimental if that was what I wanted. I guess I hate that I gave in because I knew getting the result I was hoping for, in terms of the relationship would take a lot of work and time. I don't really want to put in either!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

marksaysay said:


> I was told this by someone else also and I agree it's possible. I also agree that bringing up a relationship with her would be detrimental if that was what I wanted. I guess I hate that I gave in because I knew getting the result I was hoping for, in terms of the relationship would take a lot of work and time. I don't really want to put in either!


Buddy I have read a few of your threads and this woman sounds like she must have a golden vagina the way you trail after her.
I have been with my fair share of women over the years but one piece of advice I got as a young man always stood me in good stead.
Don't stick your **** in crazy!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wondered when you'd be here again still dealing with her. 

As long as you continue to break no contact you'll keep coming back with the same problem. 

Move on.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I wondered when you'd be here again still dealing with her.
> 
> As long as you continue to break no contact you'll keep coming back with the same problem.
> 
> Move on.


Hey man, I actually thought I did pretty good. I went 4-5 months with seeing her 2-3 times a week and not engaging in any conversation or communication. 

Additionally, I do realize my responding to her attempts at communication was my biggest mistake! Lesson learned!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I wondered when you'd be here again still dealing with her.
> 
> As long as you continue to break no contact you'll keep coming back with the same problem.
> 
> Move on.


Btw, the title of my thread was about needing a slap in the face. I know I messed up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> Hey man, I actually thought I did pretty good. I went 4-5 months with seeing her 2-3 times a week and not engaging in any conversation or communication.
> 
> Additionally, I do realize my responding to her attempts at communication was my biggest mistake! Lesson learned!


I'm a female FTR. 

And, no, you didn't do "pretty good". Especially for someone who has posted more than one thread about her. And doubly especially for someone who says he doesn't believe in premarital sex. 

Time will tell if you've really learned your lesson this time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> Btw, the title of my thread was about needing a slap in the face. I know I messed up.


Consider it done.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I'm a female FTR.
> 
> And, no, you didn't do "pretty good". Especially for someone who has posted more than one thread about her. And doubly especially for someone who says he doesn't believe in premarital sex.
> 
> Time will tell if you've really learned your lesson this time.


First, I'm not sure what FTR stands for, so help me out. Secondly, I do think I've done pretty good given that I'm within close proximity of her 2-3 times per week. It's a lot harder for those 'feelings' to subside when there's still limited contact. If I didn't have to see her, it would be much easier, but I do! 

And give me some credit, I didn't respond to her first text...lol


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

FTR, "For the record".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

marksaysay said:


> First, I'm not sure what FTR stands for, so help me out. Secondly, I do think I've done pretty good given that I'm within close proximity of her 2-3 times per week. It's a lot harder for those 'feelings' to subside when there's still limited contact. If I didn't have to see her, it would be much easier, but I do!
> 
> And give me some credit, I didn't respond to her first text...lol


FYI FTR means for the record and FYI means for your information.
You don't deserve any credit,this woman is playing you like a fiddle,she calls the tune and you dance.But hey,if this is what you want to do then go for it.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

You met her at church and say you run into her a few times a week...so I assume this is at church?

How about you find another church?

I don't really know what your issue is with this woman other than what I picked up from some of the other posts. She won't commit to you when you want one?
Have you asked her for one?

From the way the communications seems so off and on...is there another man in the picture with her?


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

Marksaysay, not judgement, just curious...what church would be okay with it's members having bootie calls? Can one really attend a church months on end and stay in that lifestyle? I would gently suggest you leave that church and just live your life as you choose. Its far better than being a hypocrite.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

VibrantWings said:


> You met her at church and say you run into her a few times a week...so I assume this is at church?
> 
> How about you find another church?
> 
> ...


Yes, we met at church and that is where i run into her on a weekly basis. Changing churches is not something I'm going to do, either, especially not because of a girl. I've been at this church for roughly a year after 17 yrs at my previous church. Btw, that move was necessary. 

We dated from December to March, but she said she felt pressured by my talk about exclusivity, so yes, I did ask her. 

While we've remained at the same church, we stopped communicating in April or May, barely even acknowledging one another at church when our paths would cross. 

I'm sure, in the months since our time together, she's entertained others and may still be. Do I know for certainty? No but I don't ask and don't care, really. It's actually none of my business at this point. 

And yes, communication has been non-existent for the last 4-5 until she sent the text roughly a month ago. Now here I am dealing with those same emotions that took me months to get rid of before...smh!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As they say, "Why marry the cow while you're getting the milk for free?"

The only thing that I'd really be concerned about with her is the overall "milk quality!"*


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

marksaysay said:


> Yes, we met at church and that is where i run into her on a weekly basis. Changing churches is not something I'm going to do, either, especially not because of a girl. I've been at this church for roughly a year after 17 yrs at my previous church. Btw, that move was necessary.
> 
> We dated from December to March, but she said she felt pressured by my talk about exclusivity, so yes, I did ask her.
> 
> ...


You asked her the first go around is what I got out of your post. Perhaps laying it all out for her may be in order this time? She could be playing with you....but women can be insecure and some of us don't want to come across as "needy" or smothering. 
Personally I have always left it up to the man to share his emotions first....just like he always has to make the first move. 

I think being honest about what you're looking for would be better than the back and forth with guessing games. She's a woman you met at church and there may be some of the "old fashioned" thinking going on in her head that goes on in mine. 
By the way, you menfolk can be quite confusing to some women sometimes....as in we don't always think alike so please don't assume anything until you have that talk. 

Good luck- hope it works out for you the way you would like. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and perhaps God will give you someone better suited


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> First, I'm not sure what FTR stands for, so help me out. Secondly, I do think I've done pretty good given that I'm within close proximity of her 2-3 times per week. It's a lot harder for those 'feelings' to subside when there's still limited contact. If I didn't have to see her, it would be much easier, but I do!
> 
> And give me some credit, I didn't respond to her first text...lol


Sorry but no credit -- she should have been blocked months ago.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

VibrantWings said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, we met at church and that is where i run into her on a weekly basis. Changing churches is not something I'm going to do, either, especially not because of a girl. I've been at this church for roughly a year after 17 yrs at my previous church. Btw, that move was necessary.
> ...


My plan is to do just that tonight...lay it all out there so there's no questions. And I'm pretty sure she probably won't like what I have to say. 

And I believe things always work out the way God intends for them to work out!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About that slap in the face - you might want to brace yourself because the conga line is forming. Cut-ins are permitted for a nominal fee of $20.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> About that slap in the face - you might want to brace yourself because the conga line is forming. Cut-ins are permitted for a nominal fee of $20.


I literally just Lol'ed.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You aren't in the mental space to do the casual sex thing. She's going to break your heart in a big way. She wants a "player" type of guy who has several women on speed dial ready for casual fun. That ain't you.

This reminds me of a guy I used to frequently chat with. His ex-wife cheated on him and he was fresh out of a 15-year marriage. He was programmed for a serious monogamous relationship and couldn't conceive of something casual. 

He fell hard for a young gal after going on a date (he started dating way too soon). They had a one night stand. This gal he fell for had more red flags than a Chinese parade, and I told him as much. 

His emotions were a wreck after they had sex. His rational brain knew she was bad news and he shouldn't get serious with her. His penis told him she was awesome and he should keep this up. I told him that she was a young and probably very familiar with the world of casual sex and this wasn't nearly as much of a big deal for her and it was for him. "Yes, but she texts me all the time now!" The texts were just innocent flirting. 

He started talking about how he could never marry a gal like this... she's just not a good long-term candidate. He wanted to sit down and tell her that it just wasn't going to work out for them. They're not a good match. He wanted to apologize for the one night of awesome sex... because he was sure he had led her on and her heart would be crushed.

"Dude. No. Don't do it. Just let her go. Trust me... don't do this."

But, he did. He had his big sitdown talk. She basically just stared at him and said "Uhhh... ok. This is weird." It was just one night of fun. It was no big deal. Wow, what a weirdo he was for talking about a long-term relationship already. Jeez. 

He was overthinking this, and so are you. You ain't ready for the modern dating scene. You're going to get stomped on over and over.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your actions don't match your words.

Until they do, you won't find happiness, I'm afraid.

IF what you say truly is what you want.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

You sound like one of these guys who have a great opinion of themselves and think they know how to behave in a proper manner. Really you are just a handy bit n the side for this woman. Now she seems to know what she wants and she certainly gets it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Robbie1234 said:


> You sound like one of these guys who have a great opinion of themselves and think they know how to behave in a proper manner. *Really you are just a handy bit n the side for this woman.* Now she seems to know what she wants and she certainly gets it.


Yep, you've made it to her team but the timing makes me think you're pretty far down the depth chart. Not even close to a starter, but if a starter or someone higher in the rotation isn't available you get subbed in. If you're okay being a substitute penis in her rotation keep doing what you're doing, but don't expect to be developing any quality relationships with her or anyone else while you do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

dadstartingover said:


> You aren't in the mental space to do the casual sex thing. She's going to break your heart in a big way. She wants a "player" type of guy who has several women on speed dial ready for casual fun. That ain't you.
> 
> This reminds me of a guy I used to frequently chat with. His ex-wife cheated on him and he was fresh out of a 15-year marriage. He was programmed for a serious monogamous relationship and couldn't conceive of something casual.
> 
> ...


Pretty close to spot on although we weren't a one night stand. I'm definitely wired for just one.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> Robbie1234 said:
> 
> 
> > You sound like one of these guys who have a great opinion of themselves and think they know how to behave in a proper manner. *Really you are just a handy bit n the side for this woman.* Now she seems to know what she wants and she certainly gets it.
> ...


This is the type of face slapping I was hoping to get by coming and posting here. It's unfortunate because I've actually thought pretty much what you all have been saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marksaysay said:


> I was told this by someone else also and I agree it's possible. I also agree that bringing up a relationship with her would be detrimental if that was what I wanted. I guess I hate that I gave in because I knew getting the result I was hoping for, in terms of *the relationship would take a lot of work and time. I don't really want to put in either!*


The time?

Not wanting to work on it?

*That is a big lie...a big one.*

If she were of similar mind [as you] you would leap over tall flames, swim crocodile infested waters to get her.

Uh....I would.

You would 'merely' go to great lengths.

I would be consumed by love. Maybe by a crocodile.
I am not rational, you are.

I am a Martian.

Do the cool act, the wait and see. 
Not the panting pooch, the pleasing pooch. 
She may want the sex, she likely does.
But, she also wants the adoration, the doting, the enthusiasm. You making her feel special and wanted.

Nothing wrong with that. It just is not working in your favor.
Be coy, be busy, keep her dangling. Be mysterious. 
Go to exotic places, tell her what happened.
DO NOT be cool, unfriendly.
It is her turn to chase.

She may have another man or two on the flesh hook. Let them fall off or be cut loose.
If you have value to her.....she will not lay idly by.
She needs to make up her mind and yours'. 

Ride the waves...alone. Or date others.
Wait for her to offer up the big one.

If she does: Surf down her spine.


Just Sayin'


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

As you know, every time you have sex with her; your emotions and feelings get involved and your thinking is she is great in bed, she could be my long term partner and you know deep down this won't happen. You sound like a really great guy who is looking for a more committed relationship but you two are definitely not on the same page at all. It might feel like it after being with her, but those are the hormones talking and your rational mind when you think about it after is what you need to listen to. I wouldn't really slap a person but a nice firm tap will do as you seem to realize what happens each time she pulls you back in. There are women out there who are looking for something long term and more permanent than what you have with her. Go find one of them!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> The time?
> 
> Not wanting to work on it?
> 
> ...


I *am* actually currently dating others. I've never had any intention of waiting on/for her. I do admittedly have a weak spot for her, though.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marksaysay said:


> I *am* actually currently dating others. I've never had any intention of waiting on/for her. I do admittedly have a weak spot for her, though.


Good man!

Does she know this?

This is key...


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Good man!
> 
> Does she know this?
> 
> This is key...



Probably not. I don't go around exactly broadcasting my activities.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

marksaysay said:


> Probably not. I don't go around exactly broadcasting my activities.


You don't have to broadcast it. In fact you should not broadcast it. 

Just live it. 

If she stops by your house unannounced and there is a date there, then she'll know and she'll know to call ahead first.

If she calls you for a booty call and you have other plans, just tell her you have other plans and that you can't that night. (If you want to offer another time that works for the booty call, that is your business, but don't rearrange your life or schedule for her)


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > Probably not. I don't go around exactly broadcasting my activities.
> ...


That's the plan. The other young lady and I actually spent some time together last night. 

I'm now on day 2 since this girl and I last had a text exchange. She usually starts texting again at day 3 or 4 when I don't text her 1st. I'd be surprised if she doesn't do it this time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mark, this girl is too young for you. Essentially different generations. Different dating patterns & different expectations.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Mark, this girl is too young for you. Essentially different generations. Different dating patterns & different expectations.


You're probably right!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

'Nuff said.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> 'Nuff said.


Yep!!!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

dadstartingover said:


> You aren't in the mental space to do the casual sex thing. She's going to break your heart in a big way. She wants a "player" type of guy who has several women on speed dial ready for casual fun. That ain't you.
> 
> This reminds me of a guy I used to frequently chat with. His ex-wife cheated on him and he was fresh out of a 15-year marriage. He was programmed for a serious monogamous relationship and couldn't conceive of something casual.
> 
> ...


The interesting thing is the initial appeal of this young lady was that she seemed to not be like the modern girls. I've been wrong before...lol


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I participated in our weekly study group in which this young also attends last night at church. There was no interaction attempts on either side. We never even made eye contact.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

marksaysay said:


> I participated in our weekly study group in which this young also attends last night at church. There was no interaction attempts on either side. We never even made eye contact.


... so that should tell you something right there


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > I participated in our weekly study group in which this young also attends last night at church. There was no interaction attempts on either side. We never even made eye contact.
> ...


Now that I think about it, it's actually pretty normal. We don't sit near each other and she usually leaves before it's over to go pick up her kids.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> Rocky Mountain Yeti said:
> 
> 
> > marksaysay said:
> ...


All of this tells you that you are not her boyfriend. Just her part time lover. Either be ok with that or don't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And since you say you don't believe in premarital sex, that should be an easy decision.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> All of this tells you that you are not her boyfriend. Just her part time lover. Either be ok with that or don't.


I knew I wasn't her boyfriend. That was never a question. I guess I was curious if she was trying to take things somewhere or not. Apparently not...lol


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > All of this tells you that you are not her boyfriend. Just her part time lover. Either be ok with that or don't.
> ...


Yes. Not.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

dadstartingover said:


> You aren't in the mental space to do the casual sex thing. She's going to break your heart in a big way. She wants a "player" type of guy who has several women on speed dial ready for casual fun. That ain't you.
> 
> This reminds me of a guy I used to frequently chat with. His ex-wife cheated on him and he was fresh out of a 15-year marriage. He was programmed for a serious monogamous relationship and couldn't conceive of something casual.
> 
> ...


This is a great story to share on this thread... just sad ... I have always felt it very very very important to only date or give the time of day to those who have similar sexual views or one is just setting themselves up for a fall, great frustration -then the stupid games start... misunderstanding, not to mention heartbreak... so not worth it. 

If you are the monogamous type, you KNOW this in your being... be very careful who you open yourself up to, it's like throwing your pearls before swine who will just trample it..


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So I took a step back today, quickly followed by 2 giant steps forward. I exchanged a few text messages with this girl today. Nothing but harmless banter. 

When I realized my error, I did something I should've done long ago, deleted her number and her Facebook. I'm making progress...lol

Now I have to no allow her to draw me in through church interactions. I do pretty good avoiding her most of the time. There are instances where I don't see her coming and it happens unexpectedly, though. I've got be on guard.


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## Yvophi (Oct 4, 2017)

Sounds like you need to cut this realtime nship off before you get too attached. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak by giving in to each booty call each time.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Yvophi said:


> Sounds like you need to cut this realtime nship off before you get too attached. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak by giving in to each booty call each time.


I assume you meant relationship. And yes, it's become increasingly apparent there's nothing there. I have taken steps to eliminate the ways in which we communicated. Only thing left is the potential meetings that might happen at church. We will still see each other fairly frequently so I'll do everything in my power to steer clear of her the best I can. Sometimes, the accidental run-in does happen because its a large church and I can't see everywhere at the same time.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Whatever you do, don't let her distract you enough so that you let a good lady slip away. Don't let "just one final" booty call with this woman ruin a new prospective relationship with a more genuine lady.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Steve1000 said:


> Whatever you do, don't let her distract you enough so that you let a good lady slip away. Don't let "just one final" booty call with this woman ruin a new prospective relationship with a more genuine lady.


Absolutely! 

I actually think more than anything, the removal of her on Fb was huge. Through messenger, I would always see her face pop up showing her as one of those who were online. Not anymore.


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