# My wife refuses to even consider...



## AnotherBrickInTheWall

*delete*

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## BetrayedDad

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Any suggestions?


I've YET to meet one person whose studied psychology (or took courses in it) that isn't bat sh!t crazy.

It's like they are drawn to the subject or something. Anyway, tell her to, "get some counseling or get a lawyer." 

Her choice....


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## john117

BetrayedDad said:


> I've YET to meet one person whose studied psychology (or took courses in it) that isn't bat sh!t crazy.
> 
> It's like they are drawn to the subject or something.


Ummm. I have ten years of education and three degrees in psychology . I'm pretty rational.

(That's what they all say  )

The riff between medicine and psychology has been around for a while. It's not new. But in general MD's have a bit of the God complex so that won't change. They're the problem fixers.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

delete


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## Herschel

gtfo


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## BetrayedDad

Herschel said:


> gtfo


See... THAT'S not helpful LOL.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## john117

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> We could generalize it further and say everyone is a tad bat poop crazy. Its not helpful though...


Everyone is a bit BSC, it's how they deal with it. If I had to guess I'd say she makes more than you and likes to think she is in charge in a rather nasty way. That is not the recipe for a successful marriage. 

Depending on where you live, some evidence of her BSC may be useful for divorce filing and custody hearings.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## BetrayedDad

john117 said:


> Ummm. I have ten years of education and three degrees in psychology . I'm pretty rational.
> 
> (That's what they all say  )


Aren't you voting for Hillary?!? If so, I stand by my original statement. :wink2:


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## BetrayedDad

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I should just grab her by the hoohaw? What could go wrong?


Ewwww... why would you want to? Besides, I don't think your wife would approve of that. Sounds like you got enough on your plate with her.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Have you tried individual counseling for yourself? Just because she won't consider it, doesn't mean that you shouldn't. Maybe a counselor would be able to give you tips on how to respond to certain situations. 

Do you feel like she treats you as a child or that she looks down upon you?


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## tropicalbeachiwish

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I mentioned to her once I had talked to my primary care doc about just me talking to someone. Huge fight ensued, so it would have to be done in secret and I don't see pulling that off since I pretty much have to account for my time. She couldn't stand the thought of someone discussing her without her being there.
> 
> She is the oldest of 7 siblings and her mother passed away during childbirth when she was 15 and she was in charge of her siblings and raising a baby. Its good to be queen and she sees no reason to share power. I guess that's the best way to explain it.


So, she gets mad. So what. Let her throw a tantrum. Going despite her being mad about it makes a stand for yourself. You have to start somewhere.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## uhtred

Unfortunately your options are limited.
She is behaving badly, maybe abusively and is not interested in fixing things. Normally I would tell you to get a divorce. Why live with someone who mistreats you and won't change.

But, you have kids which makes things much worse. Its such a bad environment though that the kids might well be better off if you divorced as well.

The think to remember is that you cannot make her change. 





AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Hi
> 
> My wife wont even consider counseling because she was trained as an MD (she hasn't practiced in 15 years though), psychiatry was part of the curriculum and she has 'read some stuff'.
> 
> Since she has declared herself a subject matter specialist, she is always right and I am always wrong. Her way though, is yelling, screaming, borderline physical abuse, guilt shaming and the whole spectra of emotion before rational thought. I no longer have facebook (I used to work for FB too) because of the danger of posting something that she finds irritating.
> 
> We have kids and I have to forget who and what I am for them, my Id, so to speak. They understand what I am doing too, I have been asked by my oldest why I bothered marrying her mother as the target is not just me, it includes them and she likes to play favorites,
> 
> Any suggestions? That's kind of a funny question as I have 'gotten in to trouble' because I talked my primary care doc about talking things (oh stupid me....)


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## MrsAldi

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Hi
> 
> My wife wont even consider counseling because she was trained as an MD (she hasn't practiced in 15 years though), psychiatry was part of the curriculum and she has 'read some stuff'.


Which stuff has she read? From the quote below, I think she may have forgotten how to behave. 
Does she work full time?



> Since she has declared herself a subject matter specialist, she is always right and I am always wrong. Her way though, is yelling, screaming, borderline physical abuse, guilt shaming and the whole spectra of emotion before rational thought. I no longer have facebook (I used to work for FB too) because of the danger of posting something that she finds irritating.


Borderline physical abuse? 
Does she sometimes hit you? 
What kind of stuff are you posting, which annoys her? 



> We have kids and I have to forget who and what I am for them, my Id, so to speak. They understand what I am doing too, I have been asked by my oldest why I bothered marrying her mother as the target is not just me, it includes them and she likes to play favorites,


Do you stand up for your children? Ask her to be fair? 



> Any suggestions? That's kind of a funny question as I have 'gotten in to trouble' because I talked my primary care doc about talking things (oh stupid me....)


Do you think perhaps her childhood of responsibility has made her controlling? Unable to see flaws & fault in an argument? 
Perhaps a personality disorder? 

Why are you not considering divorce? 
It's highly unlikely that things will change since she's unwilling to see the error of her ways. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Manchester

Was the abusive behavior present prior to the marriage?


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

delete


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## Steve1000

john117 said:


> Ummm. I have ten years of education and three degrees in psychology . I'm pretty rational.
> 
> (That's what they all say  )


Including the voice from the closet? :wink2:


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## Lostinthought61

it sounds like your wife has a fixed mindset, in other words her education had blocked her ability to be open minded to grow, to learn new things. I would suggest that she read the book Mindset, by Carol Dweck. 

Mindset | What is Mindset


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## farsidejunky

Okay, Mr. Gilmour...or is it Mr. Waters...certainly post Mr. Barrett...

I have an incredibly simple question.

Why do you fear your wife's reactions?

Paging @MEM2020


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## Idyit

Brick, I am looking in the mirror reading your posts. Several differences but content is scary. Educated, controlling, abusive, manipulative etc. I'll take a guess that your love life is not going great either. This is an ugly list. Step back and read it. Add to it and consider what you've got going on.

If you want to repair or recover your marriage there are a lot of things you can do. I tried a lot of them and many that would not be recommended. Individual counseling, couples counseling, read a crap ton of books, modified 180, changed behaviors, relocated, changed careers, backed off, pursued...a lot of effort on my part. In all of this she did not pursue me nor did she engage in making our marriage any better.

If your wife will not engage in the process you are going to fail. Realizing this is essential to deciding how you want to move forward. With her or without her. 

My suggestion is to focus on yourself. You're caring for her and your children, who is taking care of you? Many here will suggest working out, getting a hair cut, buy some new clothes, engage in a hobby or some other element of you that's been dropped. Also, consider the 180. Primarily it is intended to help those exiting a relationship. It can also be modified to help you start caring about yourself and being more attractive (like what she fell in love with) to your spouse.

These things are very good. But before you close down your computer today download this book, "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover https://www.google.com/search?q=no+more+mr+nice+guy&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 

Start there and keep conversing here. Many, like myself will have a jaded view of your prospects, ignore us for now. Study her and work on you, then tell us what you really want to do with your marriage.

~ Passio


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## MrsAldi

@AnotherBrickInTheWall
Thank you for answering those questions. 

I understand the importance of what your marriage vows mean to you.

Can you list the good in your marriage? 
How is the physical/intimate part, does she ever like to give or receive affection? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad

@AnotherBrickInTheWall 

So we can have 200 pages of comments going back and forth or we can get to the point.

WHAT WILL it take for you to grow a pair, stop hiding behind your kids as an excuse, and file for divorce?

If it something you need to hear then please. Enlighten us. I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear.

You tell us. Anything?!? Or are you destined to be another TAM poster who does nothing but vent.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

delete


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

delete


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## Herschel

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Perhaps I have made a mistake. I'll go back under my rock now.


I mean of the relationship.


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## farsidejunky

Indeed it has.

Do you also see the power you are giving her when you do so? It takes you from being a capable man with options to someone who feels trapped. Your relinquishing of your power is what set the snare.

It does not mean she is good, or even healthy. However, there is no real solution until you truly self actualize.

As for her...

Was her history of abuse sexual, physical, emotional, or all of the above? I know you did not indicate it yet, but I'd wager she learned the unacceptable behavior she subjects your children to from somewhere.



AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Status quo, I suppose. Engaging her is a lot like putting out a fire with 100 octane aviation gasoline. I hate to argue too, so I shrink from it.
> 
> I can see by my own words its made me passive aggressive.


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## Steve1000

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I already said I wasn't looking for answers and have none to provide. I suppose I am venting and my wife carries my testicles around in her purse.
> 
> Sorry to be so disappointingly un-entertaining.


Why are you only venting, instead of looking for some answers? Life is too short to waste years of it.


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## NobodySpecial

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I already said I wasn't looking for answers and have none to provide. I suppose I am venting and my wife carries my testicles around in her purse.
> 
> Sorry to be so disappointingly un-entertaining.


You asked for "Any suggestions? ". It is helpful to explicitly say Just Venting.


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## Herschel

Definitely sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

delete


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## Adelais

Can you edit out the GF and repost the picture of you and the puppy, since you think it is cute? That would show her that you have rights too, but that you respect marital boundaries regarding old girlfriends.

Get that counseling. Tell her that it is your business and your counselor's business what you talk about. I have dealt with something similar, except that my H doesn't want me to have a male counselor, or discuss anything that even borders on s*x. I agreed to that, have a female counselor, and can talk about anything I want.

Have you read Willard Harley's book, Love Busters? Another one to read is No More Mr. Nice Guy. You can download it for free. You don't have to create an account, to download it at the link below. To print it, you'll need to work with your program to move the text over a bit, to make a left border if you are going to bind it. Here is the link.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Hold Onto Your Nuts, by Wayne Levine is also a good one. Maybe someone here has a link to a free download, or audio download where you don't have to sign in and give a credit card first??

She is disrespecting you, and treating you and the children like cr*p. When you find your boundaries and hold to them, she will either have to change, or you will decide you don't need her in your life. But first, you have to change and stop being afraid of her...even if your excuse is for the sake of peace.


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## BetrayedDad

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I already said I wasn't looking for answers and have none to provide.


That's too bad. There's a lot of excellent advice on this forum that would fix your situation if you actually TOOK it.



AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I suppose I am venting and my wife carries my testicles around in her purse.


No disagreement here. At least you are honest. I commend you for that.



AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> Sorry to be so disappointingly un-entertaining.


I'm not here to be entertained. I'm on here like many others to help. 

I just don't want to waste my time giving out advice that will fall on deaf ears.

I'd rather switch back to the light hearted humor from the first page.


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## Satya

Many personality disorders hide behind a M.D. or other professional certification. What better way to safely say everyone else but you has the problem?

If your wife is so smart, she should also know that psychiatrists have their own psychiatrist they see regularly, because it is impossible to process the emotional stress otherwise. 

But she hasn't practiced in 15 years, so how can she know what's best? 

I'd start recording her when she's being a shrew and play it back, but that's just me. I have zero tolerance for disrespectful behavior.


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## Adelais

AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I think the environment of her youth was loud, everyone yells at everyone then everyone forgets what was said tomorrow. I grew up where if you got mad at a sibling you just didn't talk to them for a couple of years. So, night and day difference of upbringing.


In her upbringing, if they were open, truthful, kind with their words, forgiving, and humble in order to get along, that is healthy. If they were abusive, and rugswept, to get along, that is not healthy.

In your upbringing, not speaking for 2 years is not healthy. When people begin speaking again, do they address and resolve the initial reasons they stopped speaking addressed first, or is it rug swept? If it is rug-swept, and if your family are actually conflict avoiders, that would explain a lot.

It sounds like you are the typical "nice guy" that would benefit greatly from reading NMMNG and HOTUN. You will be a changed man after reading those books. You need to upset the balance, and take the power (over yourself) that you never had. You will like yourself better.


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## Satya

john117 said:


> Ummm. I have ten years of education and three degrees in psychology . I'm pretty rational.
> 
> (That's what they all say  )
> 
> The riff between medicine and psychology has been around for a while. It's not new. But in general MD's have a bit of the God complex so that won't change. They're the problem fixers.


 @john117 is of course the exception. He's the most rational psychologist I have probably ever known.... Anywhere. 

But he likes white cats...... So.....


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## john117

Herschel said:


> Definitely sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.


Or NPD. Not sure there's as much difference as people think.

Now the cool questions. I'm guessing she's foreign educated but did not take / pass the FMG... 'cause photography doesn't pay here - and I know some pretty talented ones. Culture, Asian? 

Who's making the money in the family? If you are, you generally have some power. If it's even, harder. Plus is your state divorce friendly?


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## Blondilocks

She needs to be reminded that a doctor does not diagnose them self or operate on them self.

You are not doing your kids any favor by having them subjected to her meanness and tantrums. All they have to do is talk to the school nurse or counselor and you'll have child services pounding on your door. Do you want to lose custody? Get a grip and insist she get help. Do what's right for your kids - protect them.


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## MrsAldi

MrsAldi said:


> @AnotherBrickInTheWall
> Thank you for answering those questions.
> 
> I understand the importance of what your marriage vows mean to you.
> 
> Can you list the good in your marriage?
> How is the physical/intimate part, does she ever like to give or receive affection?
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


So I take it from no answer, that there is zero happiness or affectionate behaviour from this woman to you or your children.
Venting is fine, but know this, in the later years of your kids life, they will resent you for not giving them a better life. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## citygirl4344

Blondilocks said:


> She needs to be reminded that a doctor does not diagnose them self or operate on them self.
> 
> 
> 
> You are not doing your kids any favor by having them subjected to her meanness and tantrums. All they have to do is talk to the school nurse or counselor and you'll have child services pounding on your door. Do you want to lose custody? Get a grip and insist she get help. Do what's right for your kids - protect them.




This.
Pulling hair and pinching and slapping isn't borderline abuse it is abuse.
You need counseling and she needs help.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AnotherBrickInTheWall

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## MEM2020

If you didn't have children - this would be a perfectly acceptable posture.

But you do, so it isn't.





AnotherBrickInTheWall said:


> I already said I wasn't looking for answers and have none to provide. I suppose I am venting and my wife carries my testicles around in her purse.
> 
> Sorry to be so disappointingly un-entertaining.


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