# Husband knows about EA, but there's more; do I tell?



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. The majority of these years have not been the healthiest, but have been pretty happy. (Please see my other posts for background.) The last six years, however, have felt rather empty and the last eight months have been the most difficult for both of us. I have put our marriage through a great test, and although the EA is over, I still struggle with the fact that I miss communicating with this OM and the fact that my love for my husband is not nearly as strong as it used to be. My indiscretions, no doubt, have caused this weakened heart. (Please see my other posts for more background.)

As we begin to heal and attempt to save our marriage, I struggle with something that my husband has repeated to me numerous times. He continues to say that the only reason he has not left is because he's 99.9% sure I never met up with this OM. The truth is, I did.... on two separate occasions. The first was strictly innocent and the second became more physical. Although still wrong, regardless, this DID NOT involve intercourse, and this is an absolutely true statement! 

The question remains.... do I put it all on the table? Do I tell my husband the truth? I wonder, though, who would voluntarily do such a thing? I don't even know if it's guilt as much as it is just not knowing if our marriage is strong enough to survive. He’s a wonderful man despite his personal struggles (please see my other posts for more background), and despite my recently poor choices, I am an active Catholic and a person of strong faith. I recently visited with my priest, and although I'm patiently trying to hear God's voice through all of this, I still find that my mind is very restless and full of questions. I've never been this uncertain and confused in my entire life. Any advice? Thank you in advance!


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## Amos (Jan 20, 2011)

Yes, you need to come clean. Although since you have already lied to him, he will not believe (and rightly so) that it stopped prior to intercourse, or that you only met the OM twice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes you need to tell him. Otherwise your entire marriage will be based on a lie. And yeah, he's liable to not believe there was no intercourse.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Do it in counseling with him present, if you can.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe you can meet with the counselor alone and solicit his/her help on informing your H. 

I don't know. It was just a thought.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Amos said:


> Although since you have already lied to him, he will not believe (and rightly so) that it stopped prior to intercourse, or that you only met the OM twice.


He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Maybe you can meet with the counselor alone and solicit his/her help on informing your H.
> 
> I don't know. It was just a thought.


Counseling is my next step, and that is probably some very good advice. I actually have a very close friend who is helping to line me up with a good counselor. From what I've been told, apparently there are both good counselors and bad counselors.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

He deserves to know the full truth. Anything else is a form of deception.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Yes..you have to tell him. You cannot have a strong marriage by withholding critical information from your husband. He deserves to know the whole truth and to be given the opportunity to make decisions based on that truth.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.



He might not have asked you directly but he stated he felt 99% sure you didnt meet the OM. You letting him believe this when you know it to be false is lying IMO.

I have never been in this situation so I'm not sure what to say besides you should tell him. Letting him go on believing you never meet up with the OM is wrong and the longer you allow him to believe this could hurt him more.

Just my .02


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

I am speaking to you as the BH of a WW who engaged in a long-time EA with a former boyfriend that included one meeting with similar physicality, but no intercourse. TELL HIM.

Others are right in that he will be taken aback and may even have enough of a reaction to pull away completely, but it would be much, much worse if he somehow discovered it on his own. 

Though our situations are, I believe, somewhat different, I can easily empathize with your husband. In my case I would rather know everything and base my decision to continue the relationship on the real picture than have anymore reason to dread another piece of the trickle truth. 

You could frame it in the context that even though he didn't explicitly ask you this question, you believe he deserves the complete truth. He may not completely believe you at that, and who could blame him. At least, however, you'll know you're not hiding anything from your husband and it will help you to participate in your reconciliation and recovery.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.


It's called lying by omission, so yes you still have lied.

I know this is very very hard, but the only way your marriage can be remade and move on is for the truth to come out NOW.

the truth will come out someday, a slip of the tongue, a suspicion, and fight - it always comes out.

If it comes out now, there will be hurt, but it's small compared to what will happen when he thinks you've mended the marriage and then it comes out. He will question everything - and I mean everything up to the moment he really did find out.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I can tell you this won't end pretty.

Not only did you meet with the OM, you've been reassuring your H that you didn't!  Your H is basing his R on the fact that you didn't meet up with the OM...wow...I can feel the betrayal he will feel.

Every time he says " I haven't left yet ONLY because you never met up with the OM" and you sit and smile and say nothing--- that is a lie. 

Good luck...I don't even know where to begin to state this to him. I hope he's not a violent man.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.


This is lying by omission...I find that even more calculated than a bold faced lie.

And he probably hasn't asked because he doesn't really want to know...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.


He has expressed concern with the idea the idea that you met with OM, saying that he's mostly certain that you didn't. When he said that, you knew that you had met with the OM, but did not correct your H's assumption. Saying that you haven't lied because he didn't specifically ask you if you had is a whole lot of mental gymnastics to to through just to soothe your guilty conscience. Also, have you ever heard the term "lie of omission?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Hi tigger. Your story could very well be my wife's. She had an EA with a guy for about 5-6 months and she absolutely fell head over heels in love with him.  Though it was mostly internet dating, they too met twice and - from my understanding - kissed on the second occasion.

We are currently separated (I decided to move out even though she said she had finished), but I have a feeling that I'm slowly getting over the initial pain and I may be going back to her.

One of the reasons I am considering now is that I honestly believe she was truthful to me, no matter how painful it was. There were occasions where she did gloss over some stuff, but for the most part she did offer to tell me things she could have averted because I probably would never know. Other she said thinking I would not know but I did, so it checked out. She was candid in telling me how much he meant to her and much it was going to be difficult to get over him, though she was prepared to do it.

Yes, some of it bled me dry. But I did gain back a lot of respect for her for her decency to not dodge any bullets and take whatever would come like a woman.

I would say tell him. And make sure you make clear that it is out of LOVE and RESPECT for him that you put yourself in a position that a lesser woman may have tried to avoid.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

All the posters are absolutely correct. If you truly want to have an open and honest relationship with your H, you must come clean. Besides, the details you speak about do not sound devastating enough for him to call it quits. Take the chance and clean the slate. Only then, you will have a true chance at recovering your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> This is lying by omission...I find that even more calculated than a bold face lie..


I agree. Especially since she wrote he has asked her "numerous, numerous times" and told her he's only stayed w her cause she had not done it. My advice is to tell him the truth. He may not believe you though since you lied about a lie. Don't be a coward. By not telling him, you're basically stating that you. Don't respet him enough to be honest w him and tell him the truth. You ased "who would do such a thing voluntarily..." the naswerr: honest people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> The first was strictly innocent and the second became more physical. Although still wrong, regardless, this DID NOT involve intercourse, and this is an absolutely true statement!


There was nothing "strictly innocent" at all about your first meeting, maybe you didn't physically touch but there was nothing innocent about it. You were exploring.

And your second meeting indicates that your affair went physical, even if you did not have intercourse. That's my opinion. Thus, your husband does not know about your "physical affair". Maybe its semantics but obviously to your husband it is not.

If you do decide to tell your husband the whole truth, as others have posted, he will understandably have doubts that you're telling him the entire truth. If I were in your situation and I wanted to convince him that I had nothing left to hide, I would offer to take a polygraph and suggest he ask ANYTHING he wants. I'm probably not the biggest polygraph fan on here, but this might go a long way to making him feel that you are (finally) forthcoming with the whole story.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> All the posters are absolutely correct. If you truly want to have an open and honest relationship with your H, you must come clean. Besides, the details you speak about do not sound devastating enough for him to call it quits. Take the chance and clean the slate. Only then, you will have a true chance at recovering your marriage.


The details are not bad enough....BUT THE LYING IS.

I, personally, would leave if this happened to me. I can't deal with this amount of lying and deceit.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> The details are not bad enough....BUT THE LYING IS.


I absolutely agree.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> Every time he says " I haven't left yet ONLY because you never met up with the OM" and you sit and smile and say nothing--- that is a lie.


Believe me .... my smiles have been far and few between. I always struggled with what I was doing/have done.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through right now. I think you have to decide whether or not it would really hurt your husband to tell him what happened. Also assess whether or not there is much chance of him finding out on his own. I wish you the best.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No wonder the husband does not believe you Jen S


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> He has never specifically asked; so although I'm withholding information, I have not outright lied to him. I know this shouldn't make me feel any better, but it is a fact.


My wife may have had an affair. Lots of red flags and circumstantial evidence. No absolute proof.

I have told her several times that my primary need is Open Honesty. I have given her several opportunities to come clean. The Lie is far worse than The Event.

Remember Watergate? The lie took down a President. The burglary was not a huge crime, and Nixon did not authorize it!

So, if you were my wife and I found out later on that you met, it would mean divorce. First off I would never believe your denial that there was no intercourse or other sexual activity. Secondly, I would feel betrayed yet again.

I think you should tell him, and then offer to take a polygraph or whatever else he would want in order to prove your truthfulness that there was no PA. Bringing it up in MC is a good idea.

I would tell him that since there was no PA you felt that you did not do the thing which he would leave you for (a PA), and you feared that he would not believe there was no PA if he knew you met the OM. So you did not previously tell your H about the meetings because you feared you would lose your marriage over his assumption that it had been a PA. (there's probably a shorter and clearer way to say that...)


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> No wonder the husband does not believe you Jen S


I was just saying telling him might also be hurtful.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through right now. I think you have to decide whether or not it would really hurt your husband to tell him what happened. Also assess whether or not there is much chance of him finding out on his own. I wish you the best.


No, I do not think he would ever find out on his own. My husband and I have had many talks recently about the problems we have had in our marriage, the affair has ended, I've made things right with God and now we are trying to fix what was broken. I, too, am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a counselor.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> No, I do not think he would ever find out on his own. My husband and I have had many talks recently about the problems we have had in our marriage, the affair has ended, I've made things right with God and now we are trying to fix what was broken. I, too, am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a counselor.


Well, that's different. As long as you've made things right with your deity of choice, by all means, it's perfectly acceptable to continue lying to your husband. There's no need to make things right with him at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> No, I do not think he would ever find out on his own. My husband and I have had many talks recently about the problems we have had in our marriage, the affair has ended, I've made things right with God and now we are trying to fix what was broken. I, too, am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a counselor.


It sounds like you're doing the right things. I hope things work out for you guys. Counseling will be good and you can focus on moving forward together. Good luck with everything! I think it will be okay.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through right now. I think you have to decide whether or not it would really hurt your husband to tell him what happened. Also assess whether or not there is much chance of him finding out on his own. I wish you the best.


:slap:

:redcard:

oh jesus, please stay out of this forum


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> :slap:
> 
> :redcard:
> 
> oh jesus, please stay out of this forum


I'm sorry I don't get what I'm supposed to say. I was just expressing an opinion and I don't intend to change anyone's mind.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I'm sorry I don't get what I'm supposed to say. I was just expressing an opinion and I don't intend to change anyone's mind.


you were implying that she hide the truth!!


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you were implying that she hide the truth!!


Okay, she asked the question and I gave my opinion. I'm sorry it doesn't conform with the majority opinion here. I was just saying what i thought and wishing her the best.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> you were implying that she hide the truth!!


She wasn't implying anything...she outright said that she thinks the OP is "doing the right thing"...which clearly includes continuing to lie and hide the truth from her H simply to avoid any further consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

Grayson said:


> She wasn't implying anything...she outright said that she thinks the OP is "doing the right thing"...which clearly includes continuing to lie and hide the truth from her H simply to avoid any further consequences.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well yes, I directly stated my opinion, which is what it was. There are different ways to take care of a husband's emotional well-being.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jen S said:


> Well yes, I directly stated my opinion, which is what it was. There are different ways to take care of a husband's emotional well-being.


Wow...that sounds straight out of the cheaters' script: lying to save herself from the consequences he said would exist if he knew she'd done exactly what she'd done isn't a selfish act at all...continuing that lie is "taking care of his emotional well-being."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Wow...that sounds straight out of the cheaters' script: lying to save herself from the consequences he said would exist if he knew she'd done exactly what she'd done isn't a selfish act at all...continuing that lie is "taking care of his emotional well-being."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not to necessarily save me from the consequences, but rather to avoid hurting him further. We have been through a lot over the last eight months, and he's well aware of the issues in our marriage that led to this. "Issues" do not make what I did right, but considering my character and my upbringing, this was very much unlike me, and not what I intended to have happen. Not a day went by that I wasn't bothered by what I was doing, and to know that it is now behind me is refreshing. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. We both allowed our marriage to slowly die, and that's what we now need to work on. Consequences or not, I just want to let it go and not hurt him any further.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Imagine the hurt if he finds out down the line
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Well, that's different. As long as you've made things right with your deity of choice, by all means, it's perfectly acceptable to continue lying to your husband. There's no need to make things right with him at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it's not perfectly acceptable to continue lying to my husband, but yes, making things right with God was very important to me! The weight of sin is tremendous, and I simply COULD NOT do it anymore! I have now placed it in His hands, and His help is what our marriage needs right now.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> It's not to necessarily save me from the consequences, but rather to avoid hurting him further. We have been through a lot over the last eight months, and he's well aware of the issues in our marriage that led to this. "Issues" do not make what I did right, but considering my character and my upbringing, this was very much unlike me, and not what I intended to have happen. Not a day went by that I wasn't bothered by what I was doing, and to know that it is now behind me is refreshing. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. We both allowed our marriage to slowly die, and that's what we now need to work on. Consequences or not, I just want to let it go and not hurt him any further.


Well, I know I may be shouted down again, but your heart is in the right place. Do what you think is best and it will work out.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

He will be hurt, no question, but you must know that that hurt is miniscule compared to the bigger healing you are working on. Stick to the big picture. Those little compromise you make with yourself can come back and bite you. At least, they will make your effort that much less sincere and truthful. 

Just tell him and get it over with. Concentrate on rebuilding the marriage based on truth and honesty.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> It's not to necessarily save me from the consequences, but rather to avoid hurting him further. We have been through a lot over the last eight months, and he's well aware of the issues in our marriage that led to this. "Issues" do not make what I did right, but considering my character and my upbringing, this was very much unlike me, and not what I intended to have happen. Not a day went by that I wasn't bothered by what I was doing, and to know that it is now behind me is refreshing. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. We both allowed our marriage to slowly die, and that's what we now need to work on. Consequences or not, I just want to let it go and not hurt him any further.


Then tell him the truth.

Rip the band-aid off. It may hurt briefly, but the wound can then heal. If you leave the band-aid untouched, it will more likely fester, become infected, and lead to more severe issues down the line.

Bottom line, he has the right to make not just an informed decision but a FULLY informed decision on whether or not he can or will stay in this marriage based on what you've done.

Example time. After her EA's and PA, my wife and I had several false starts on the road to reconciliation. Those being false starts can all be traced back to one common element: her lies of omission. The last time, when our true R began, I was prepared to walk out the door and not look back. When those truths came put that day, I asked her if there was anything more to tell me. When she repeatedly denied there was, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if I were to find out otherwise at any point, or if she cheated again, I WOULD walk out the door. I meant it, and still do.

Just like you, her excuse for continuing to lie was that she "didn't want to hurt me more than she already had." So much for sparing my feelings, eh?

Tell. Him.

Edited to add: it's impossible to, as you say, "let it go" while you're still holding on to it by maintaining the lie. As long as you have to guard everything you say to keep the truth hidden, it will always be at the forefront of every interaction you have with your husband.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Jen S said:


> Well, I know I may be shouted down again, but your heart is in the right place. Do what you think is best and it will work out.



Yeah it will work out if she says nothing. That is until her husband finds out the truth. May not happen in a week or a month or a year from now but eventually the truth comes out and the longer the time passes the more hurt he will feel for going on believing one thing that wasnt true and his wife for lying and hiding what really happened. 

What if the OM is bitter and decides to tell her H for her? That should go over real well.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> No, it's not perfectly acceptable to continue lying to my husband, but yes, making things right with God was very important to me! The weight of sin is tremendous, and I simply COULD NOT do it anymore! I have now placed it in His hands, and His help is what our marriage needs right now.


Then look at it this way:

Maybe your friendly neighborhood deity is making sure you see all of us telling you to stop lying.

(Of course, most people who put such important decisions "in a supreme beings hands" only hear divine direction that agrees with their already-chosen course of action. Anything to the contrary is just from mean people who don't understand.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jen S said:


> Well, I know I may be shouted down again, but your heart is in the right place. Do what you think is best and it will work out.


How in the world can lies and deceit be an indicator of "someone's heart being in the right place?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Grayson said:


> How in the world can lies and deceit be an indicator of "someone's heart being in the right place?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

Grayson said:


> How in the world can lies and deceit be an indicator of "someone's heart being in the right place?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because she's willing to take the pain of guilt in order to protect her husband.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Jen S said:


> Because she's willing to take the pain of guilt in order to protect her husband.


:rofl::rofl:


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Jen S said:


> Because she's willing to take the pain of guilt in order to protect her husband.


The problem with lies, is that they usually come to light.

So...whether or not she tells her husband now, eventually the truth will come out. Better to say it now, than live another 10 years with the guilt (which will eat at her and possibly ruin her connection with her husband), and save him the years of betrayal that he'll surely feel when he finally finds out.

My father fathered 2 children before me. My mom never knew. He told me, I didn't tell her because it's not my secret to tell. He died and that secret went with him (they had been divorced for 25 years)...but...if she knew, then her whole love and marriage would have been a lie. As far as anyone knows, I'm his first child.

I knwo that's maybe apples to oranges, but i always worried that my father's secret would come out and destroy ANY happy memories of their marriage for my mother. He's the only man she ever loved.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jen S said:


> Because she's willing to take the pain of guilt in order to protect her husband.


That is a very toxic thing to do. There are already serious and unresolved marital issues and now throw a wall of secrecy around them as well? Something is bound to give, and I am not hopeful that it is going to be good.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> The problem with lies, is that they usually come to light.
> 
> So...whether or not she tells her husband now, eventually the truth will come out. Better to say it now, than live another 10 years with the guilt (which will eat at her and possibly ruin her connection with her husband), and save him the years of betrayal that he'll surely feel when he finally finds out.
> 
> ...


Oh wow. I get what you're saying, but maybe in the poster's case it would turn out like it did with your father. I don't know. Then again, the point you make about guilt eating at her is very true. I would really worry about that as the years went by, who knows what the effect would be? But ultimately, I stand by the idea that she needs to protect her husband, listen to God on this and her own heart.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

morituri said:


> That is a very toxic thing to do. There are already serious and unresolved marital issues and now throw a wall of secrecy around them as well? Something is bound to give, and I am not hopeful that it is going to be good.


My husband says this to me all the time. I worry about it. But the poster sounds like she's in touch with her feelings and with God and knows better than me. I don't pretend to be a quality person like that. But she seems to be taking the right path and have her head on straight. I don't know, but her husband would certainly be very hurt if she told him it all.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

It's a bandaid...rip it off and deal with the consequences.

It always baffles me why one person thinks they can make choices for the other person. She chose to meet up with an OM, but isn't give her husband the choice to react in the way he chooses to react.

In my marriage, I get very "momma bear" when someone tries to make my husband look like a fool...i don't know how I could do that to him myself. In my opinion, that's exactly what she's doing...making him the fool. A fool who is happy where things are...trying to reconcile with the information he knows. He's building his reconciliation on a lie that she never met the OM in person. And that, my friend, is making him into a fool.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Any lie that you keep will taint any and all interaction with your husband. How can you rebuild a relationship that will grow strong enough to survive the day to day struggles that all couples face. Can a House of God survive for very long with a cracked foundation?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jen S said:


> My husband says this to me all the time. I worry about it.


And he's right. Secrecy is a necessary component for an affair to exist. 



> But the poster sounds like she's in touch with her feelings and with God and knows better than me. I don't pretend to be a quality person like that. But she seems to be taking the right path and have her head on straight. I don't know, but her husband would certainly be very hurt if she told him it all.


While I have no doubt that God will forgive her, I'm not so sure He is going to agree with her continuing to deceive her husband. 

Of course her husband would be hurt but he would also have all the information needed to make an informed decision as to how he wants to spend the rest of his life and with whom. If he finds about this many years later, he will feel worse because he's going to believe that all the years after the affair were nothing but a a big lie.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> No, it's not perfectly acceptable to continue lying to my husband, but yes, making things right with God was very important to me! The weight of sin is tremendous, and I simply COULD NOT do it anymore! I have now placed it in His hands, and His help is what our marriage needs right now.


I read the whole thread and initially thought you were well intentioned and going to make the right decision as you seemed to be moving to doing the right thing.

But what the hell is this?? You think it's ok to lie to your husband to spare him pain? If that's the case, why'd you tell him about the affair in the first place? I don't say this lightly, because I am always so optimistic about marriages recovering, but I don't even want to give you solid advice because you are so disconnected from reality that I think it would be better for you to just continue being a moron so your husband can move on.

What kind of delusional married person thinks its OK to lie to your husband about anything. You claim to be a practicing catholic, have you even ever thumbed through a bible? Please show me where it advises or portrays lying and being dishonest as acceptable.

Don't be so sinful to see that your motives for being deceptive are 100% selfish not selfless. You want to stay married, so you don't have the courage to be honest with your husband because it might jeopardize YOUR wants. Your concern is not HIS feelings, it's to spare YOURSELF guilt from seeing his pain. If you really cared about his feelings, you wouldn't be actively screwing him.

I often think about the trust rebuilding phase of my marriage. I say to myself, either she is the world's most deceitful lying b*tch, or she is being truthful. I think about how horrible of a person my wife would have to be to be so adamant about being honest with me and yet continue to lie.

*You ma'am, are that horrible person.*

The only thing that will redeem you from being the lowest form of life on this planet is your honesty. I hope you grow a heart and think about your husband's feelings for a change.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> Of course her husband would be hurt but he would also have all the information needed to make an informed decision as to how he wants to spend the rest of his life and with whom. If he finds about this many years later, he will feel worse because he's going to believe that all the years after the affair were nothing but a a big lie.


God it's so true. I feel so bad for her husband, he is walking around with so much pain but thinking that he is on the road to recovery. I can only imagine the damage this poor guy is going to face when he finds out the truth after many years (or from someone else). It's hard enough trusting your perception after an affair, this would be catastrophic to a person.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jen S said:


> Because she's willing to take the pain of guilt in order to protect her husband.


Bull.

She's "protecting her husband" in the same way she would be "protecting" him by not telling him she knows he's consuming poison. He'll still die, but will be spared the panic of knowing it ahead of time.

This so-called "protection" is born of building their entire future upon a lie. He feels they have a future together because she didn't get physical with the OM. But she DID get physical with the OM. So, for their future together, she has to make the conscious decision to foster that lie.

Every.
Single.
Day.

Yeah...that's a wonderful future together, isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jen S said:


> My husband says this to me all the time. I worry about it. But the poster sounds like she's in touch with her feelings and with God and knows better than me. I don't pretend to be a quality person like that. But she seems to be taking the right path and have her head on straight. I don't know, but her husband would certainly be very hurt if she told him it all.


With each of your posts, I become even more incredulous.

A lifetime of lying and deceit is somehow indicative of someone "on the right path," with "her head on straight?"

Words fail me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ok, settle down now. I just have one question, what happens if by chance he does one day find out about the affair on his own.

Then what? Crying, bawling, I'm so sorry, it was the past, just let it go it doesn't matter anymore?

My point is, in all of this, everything you have done is to save your own ass and you've justified it by saying you want to protect your husband from the truth. But in reality you're protecting yourself with the lie because he's said he's out the door if you did the spread eagle with the OM.

If he had said, even if you slept with him, I'll be able to forgive you and move forward I'm pretty sure you would probably be singing a different tune.

Sugar coat it all you want, it's still crap at the core IMO.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

And also...I wouldn't want to be on his side of this. I just picture him, thinking about things, doing what he does, hopeful for the future and to work past this EA...and all the while, his wife is hiding truth. Eesh. No good.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I stand by the idea that she needs to protect her husband, listen to God on this and her own heart.


Protect her husband? You mean protect herself? Yes she should listen to her heart, cause I believe at one point her heart was telling her that she should tell her H.

Tigger

Look, as a BS, its the 'not knowing' that hurt me the most. You said your smiles have been few and far between, I'm assuming its because of the guilt. Trust me, he notices, and his mind is wondering what else you're guilty of. Nobody, not even your H, can guarantee what will he will do if you tell him so you can't be worried about that. He's going to be hurt and get upset for sure. If you really want to R with him, then tell him. After you tell him, let him cool down, then do everything you can to show him remorse and that you need, want, & desire him.

How many more times are you prepared to hear him say that the only reason he has not left is because he's 99.9% sure you never met up with this OM? Because I'm willing to bet you won't stop hearing it until he knows.

Also, if you tell him, make sure this is the absolute last time he ever hears "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you anymore" meaning, tell him anything else you've had a guilty conscience about, and be 100% honest with details when answering any questions he has. My WW lied by omission one too many times and I could not see ever trusting her much again.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sure if the roles were reversed you would most certainly wish for your husband to continue to lie to you. You either have a relationship based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. I guess we know which one you have chosen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Another poster coming on here to seek validation. She has no intention of telling him. Not to protect him...as she claims....but because shes's too much of a coward to face what she did. Awful. And then throwing God in the mix....I'm sorry but its revolting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

God has not forgiven her because she has not sought forgiveness yet. right now she is hiding in the dark. there is a reason we are required to confess our sins... so that they are open. it is like the concept of transparency in marriage. if there is a problem, it gets fixed quickly because everyone knows about it. that is the reason we are supposed to forgive, so that we can move passed problems. 


you cant shine a light on the issue if you are hiding it under a bowl. and please, do not pervert the Word of God. i dont know of any place in the bible where God advocates deception to your spouse.

God created the light so we could step out of the darkness.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> :slap:
> 
> :redcard:
> 
> oh jesus, please stay out of this forum



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

she is denying him the chance to forgive her. she may have confessed the sin to a priest, but deception is a sin as well.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> At the end of confession the priest admonishes to go in peace and sin no more.
> 
> Lying by omission negates the deal struck during confession.


exactly


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

What is she talking about? Right with God? Who are you right with really?

I separated the below passage so it will be easier to see which one you are following: 

John 8:42-44

42 Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love Me, for I proceeded forth and came from God; nor have I come of Myself, but He sent Me. 43 Why do you not understand My speech? Because you are not able to listen to My word. 

*44 You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it.*


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ha. Ha. Ha. Another poster coming on here to seek validation. She has no intention of telling him. Not to protect him...as she claims....but because shes's too much of a coward to face what she did. Awful. And then throwing God in the mix....I'm sorry but its revolting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I absolutely disagree. From what I hear, OP has a genuinely good heart and she knows what the right thing to do is in God's eyes. I have faith that she will realize the fault in not telling her H the truth. 

Although still fogged up a little, I am very sure that she will eventually overcome her fear and do the right thing.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Unfortunately, God cannot be brought into any feelings for what is right or wrong for your husband if you if there is sin between the two of you. In the context, the teachings of the faith are referring to unresolved anger, issues, lies, etc. God will simply not hear your prayers regarding another person, according to what he says in the bible, if there is deception between you and that person.

I'm sorry, but in my opinion, it is doing an injustice to our religion to bring the subject into a public forum in a way that contradicts the beliefs. We are charged with honesty and forthrightness. God is charged with working on your husband's spirit so that he can accept the news in a godly way. If you take the reigns from him, as you are considering, he'll let you have them completely.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate when people bring God into a mess like this and say, "Well, I'm right with God so it's ok."

Spare me. Please.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I stand by the idea that she needs to protect her husband, listen to God on this and her own heart.


I don't see how it is protecting her husband to keep the truth from him?

Yes, it spares him some emotional turmoil today. But the word "protect" implies that something bad would happen to him, and that he is not capable of "protecting" himself from said harm.

In fact, though, GOOD will come from him knowing the truth. He will know the real circumstances of his reality. He will know what really happened between W and OM. He will have a more truthful understanding of his W.

I believe a human has the inherent RIGHT to make a fully informed decision. No other human has the right to assume they know better or to manipulate another into making a certain decision.

There is the possibility the husband decides to divorce based on the revelation that she met OM in person. I hope not! But it is his RIGHT to make that decision. One big reason he might make that decision is that she did not tell him the truth in the first place.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She needs to be aware of the fact that she is a different person then her husband thinks she is. Its sad her husband doesn't actually know who his wife is. And never will as long as she keeps this secret.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thank you for your candid responses. My entire life up until this point was always on the straight and narrow, so fixing this mess that I created is the most difficult thing I've ever had to face in my life. Please know that I want to do the right thing, and for those of you who have said that I am not doing what God would want .... well, I'm getting there. Turning to Him is a start.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

you know what you need to do


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If god wanted you to keep this from your husband he would tell you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I hate when people bring God into a mess like this and say, "Well, I'm right with God so it's ok."
> 
> Spare me. Please.


Doing so certainly invokes the inherent hypocrisy of religion. It allows someone to abdicate their sense of personal responsibility by leaving major decisions (especially undesirable ones) in the hands of their imaginary friend. I touched on it earlier, but, by leaving her current situation "in god's hands," tigger has put herself into what, for her, is a win-win scenario: she assuaged her guilt over her actions by having "made it right with god," while ignoring any advice to come clean with her husband. If we accept that a supreme being exists, accept the old saw that he works in "mysterious ways," and are looking for a sign on how to proceed from him...isn't it possible (if not probable) that a near-unanimous chorus of strangers saying, "Tell the truth" might indeed be that sign?

Nah...that's just bad advice. Naturally, she'll know the sign when she sees it. And it will probably involve the most convenience and fewest consequences for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

honestly, i believe that God gives us everything we need in order to handle just about any situation. the advice on this forum are just as much a sign from God as a pillar of fire. we dont need the pillar, just people with a little knowledge and wisdom. knowledge and wisdom say to be transparent. so does the Bible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> She needs to be aware of the fact that she is a different person then her husband thinks she is. Its sad her husband doesn't actually know who his wife is. And never will as long as she keeps this secret.


And that is why this is so sad. Her husband is operating under the assumption that she has telling him the truth. Everytime he brings it up, she has an opportunity to TELL THE TRUTH yet she continues to stay mum because she prefers to have her marriage on HER terms. She doesn't care about her husband. It's all about her: her needs, her selfishness, keeping things nice and even-keeled so that the marriage can survive so that it benefits HER. Not him. It's cold as ice.

The worst part is...what if he already knows the truth? And she is straigthr up lyingin his face every day. The lie is worse than the cheating. It's saying "I don't respect you enough to be honest with you/to tell you the truth. I care more about me than you. And I will keep up this charade because it's easier for me. Consequences suck. I am worried about #1...ME."

It reminds me of whenh you ask someone something you already know the answer to...........and they lie to you.

Don't you just want to SCREAM? 




that_girl said:


> I hate when people bring God into a mess like this and say, "Well, I'm right with God so it's ok."
> 
> Spare me. Please.


Oh, HI, ThatGirl. It's nice to see you back. 



tigger01 said:


> Please know that I want to do the right thing, and for those of you who have said that I am not doing what God would want .... *well, I'm getting there. Turning to Him is a start*.


Another excuse to bide her time...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It also strikes me as funny when people pull God into this mess AFTER they cheated. Where was their trust in God then? Why wasn't God in their minds THEN!? No no...they use God like a lucky rabbits foot...only when it suits their needs.

Hi, JB!  Good to be back


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It also strikes me as funny when people pull God into this mess AFTER they cheated. Where was their trust in God then? Why wasn't God in their minds THEN!? No no...they use God like a lucky rabbits foot...only when it suits their needs.
> 
> Hi, JB!  Good to be back


I think these people take advantage of the fact that Christianity simply forgives sinners way too easily. After all, what it takes is simple confession and supposedly repentence to God. And, since the almighty God has forgiven me, it would be wrong for BS not to.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> And, since the almighty God has forgiven me, it would be wrong for BS not to.



:iagree:

It would be wrong for the BS to forgive just because they believed God wanted it. A BS can only forgive when the BS is ready to forgive.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And that is why this is so sad. Her husband is operating under the assumption that she has telling him the truth. Everytime he brings it up, she has an opportunity to TELL THE TRUTH yet she continues to stay mum because she prefers to have her marriage on HER terms. She doesn't care about her husband. It's all about her: her needs, her selfishness, keeping things nice and even-keeled so that the marriage can survive so that it benefits HER. Not him. It's cold as ice.
> 
> The worst part is...what if he already knows the truth? And she is straigthr up lyingin his face every day. The lie is worse than the cheating. It's saying "I don't respect you enough to be honest with you/to tell you the truth. I care more about me than you. And I will keep up this charade because it's easier for me. Consequences suck. I am worried about #1...ME."
> 
> ...


It's funny you said that Jelly because when she said he keeps saying "at least it wasn't a PA" over and over the first thought I had was he already knows about it and he's waiting to see if she's going to come clean. And if she doesn't.....big D!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And that is why this is so sad. Her husband is operating under the assumption that she has telling him the truth. Everytime he brings it up, she has an opportunity to TELL THE TRUTH yet she continues to stay mum because she prefers to have her marriage on HER terms. She doesn't care about her husband. It's all about her: her needs, her selfishness, keeping things nice and even-keeled so that the marriage can survive so that it benefits HER. Not him. It's cold as ice.
> 
> The worst part is...what if he already knows the truth? And she is straigthr up lyingin his face every day. The lie is worse than the cheating. It's saying "I don't respect you enough to be honest with you/to tell you the truth. I care more about me than you. And I will keep up this charade because it's easier for me. Consequences suck. I am worried about #1...ME."
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Well said JB!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> I think these people take advantage of the fact that Christianity simply forgives sinners way too easily. After all, what it takes is simple confession and supposedly repentence to God. And, since the almighty God has forgiven me, it would be wrong for BS not to.



sadcali,

You bring up a great point. Yet, I would say it's their utter lack of knowledge in God that leads them down wrong paths.

They say generic things about God like "I made my peace with the Lord and that's all that matters." 

When in reality they have made no such peace...at least according to the Bible.

In this case, Tigger claims peace with God and it be seeking him...well OK...but then why contradict the direct teachings of the Bible? The Bible teaches us hundreds of times about the evil of lies...

Thus it leads me to believe that she is hiding behind the idea of God...not seeking Him.

This also gives validation to the people that don't believe in God....and I can't blame them for thinking this. Because the fact is most atheist have more knowledge of the Bible then your everyday church goers....

its really sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Doing so certainly invokes the inherent hypocrisy of religion. It allows someone to abdicate their sense of personal responsibility by leaving major decisions (especially undesirable ones) in the hands of their imaginary friend. I touched on it earlier, but, by leaving her current situation "in god's hands," tigger has put herself into what, for her, is a win-win scenario: she assuaged her guilt over her actions by having "made it right with god," while ignoring any advice to come clean with her husband.


It's a misuse of religion. It's the person who is a hypocrite not religion. 

There is a commandment that says "Thou Shalt Not Lie". There is one that also says something about not committing adultery. There is no forgiveness until there is true repentance. Part of the repentance is to be honest with the one who has been hurt. 



Grayson said:


> If we accept that a supreme being exists, accept the old saw that he works in "mysterious ways," and are looking for a sign on how to proceed from him...isn't it possible (if not probable) that a near-unanimous chorus of strangers saying, "Tell the truth" might indeed be that sign?
> Nah...that's just bad advice. Naturally, she'll know the sign when she sees it. And it will probably involve the most convenience and fewest consequences for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea, go figure. Maybe it was the Hand Of God that helped her find this site so that all of us strangers could tell her that to go on with this marriage she needs to tell her husband the truth, the whole truth. Very good point.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I remember attending confession the very first time. I've always been horrible with new social situations so things didn't go very well. At seven years old I couldn't think of anything to confess, so I lied. I told the priest I stole lipstick and kicked people (kids, eh?) The first thing the priest asked was if I apologized and returned the lipstick. I said no and he encouraged me to do so. He made it clear that God would want me to live with the natural consequences of my actions so I could grow and become a better person. (Yes, I later confessed to lying at confession.)

Why are you willing to sin, but not learn from it? Would God really want you to live this way? Would he encourage you to deceive your partner? 

The right thing is rarely the easiest. You are going to see the pain in your husband's eyes and know it never had to happen. The sooner the truth is revealed the sooner his healing can begin. You owe him the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It also strikes me as funny when people pull God into this mess AFTER they cheated. Where was their trust in God then? Why wasn't God in their minds THEN!? No no...they use God like a lucky rabbits foot...only when it suits their needs.


In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

If any of you are familiar with the group Casting Crowns, they have a song titled, "Somewhere In The Middle." In the song, many examples are used about being "caught in the middle," and the one line that really speaks to me is, "somewhere between the alter and the door." So I say again .... I continually turned to God through all of this, and I truly believe that through His grace, I was able to finally put an end to what was haunting me every single day.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It's a misuse of religion. It's the person who is a hypocrite not religion.
> 
> *There is a commandment that says "Thou Shalt Not Lie".* There is one that also says something about not committing adultery. There is no forgiveness until there is true repentance. Part of the repentance is to be honest with the one who has been hurt.
> .




No there isnt one that says that. If you're referring to "Thou shalt not bear false witness _against thy neighbor_", then it's close but not a blanket command as you stated.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I wonder if people have ever thought for a minute what a supreme deity responsible for creating and maintaining this universe (and perhaps others) has on His/Her plate? Obviously not, because most of the time, they treat Him/Her as their personal Santa Clause.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

The real reason to tell the H.

If you don't tell him, you will never, ever, ever stand a chance at true intimacy that you crave with him/a man. 
Keeping the truth is a barrier to the deep love you long for.

He may dump you once you tell him. 

But, if he doesn't know, it will always be a stupid mess you made and didn't try to really fix. You two can't ever be 'one' like you think you want. 

Its a gamble and you have to accept the end result.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!
> 
> If any of you are familiar with the group Casting Crowns, they have a song titled, "Somewhere In The Middle." In the song, many examples are used about being "caught in the middle," and the one line that really speaks to me is, "somewhere between the alter and the door." So I say again .... I continually turned to God through all of this, and I truly believe that through His grace, I was able to finally put an end to what was haunting me every single day.



Strange but I don't recall this teaching in the Bible about middle ground...being that you are a Catholic I can only assume that you are talking about the God from the bible...am I correct?

I do recall Him teaching about the narrow path...

Listen..I'm not trying to beat you up here. The situation you got yourself in is a tough one. I get that you want to protect your husband from more hurt...just don't invoke God if you are not going to take His words to heart.

Christ never held the truth back from anyone he met....look to the story of the women he met at the well...he told her strait.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> The real reason to tell the H.
> 
> If you don't tell him, you will never, ever, ever stand a chance at true intimacy that you crave with him/a man.
> Keeping the truth is a barrier to the deep love you long for.


This is the truth. Honesty = true intimacy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!
> 
> If any of you are familiar with the group Casting Crowns, they have a song titled, "Somewhere In The Middle." In the song, many examples are used about being "caught in the middle," and the one line that really speaks to me is, "somewhere between the alter and the door." So I say again .... I continually turned to God through all of this, and I truly believe that through His grace, I was able to finally put an end to what was haunting me every single day.


Well, how i see it, God wasn't on your mind when you cheated.

That was my point. If God was so much in your mind, wouldn't you have wanted to please him, even when tempted to cheat?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I am recently betrayed. Your husband deserves the truth, I haven't read the other post but I know that wi agree. He will be shocked and angry when you come clean but this honesty from you (wen though you have 'got away with it') will set a new standard in your future relationship.

Come clean about everything you have done wrong and you can try and make amends from their

Good luck to you both xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!
> 
> If any of you are familiar with the group Casting Crowns, they have a song titled, "Somewhere In The Middle." In the song, many examples are used about being "caught in the middle," and the one line that really speaks to me is, "somewhere between the alter and the door." So I say again .... I continually turned to God through all of this, and I truly believe that through His grace, I was able to finally put an end to what was haunting me every single day.


Tigger, I've said this to a previous post, and it's still true. I see you spending a lot of energy trying to explain why your relationship with God somehow makes your cheating different. "I feel guilty about it, so I'm not really a bad person for doing this," is what I've seen more than once.

The issue I see is not about whether you're a good person or not. If you want us to believe you're following your faith and are basically a good person, there's one way to prove it: Do the right thing. Confess your affair to your husband. 

No amount of explaining to us why you're good will erase the facts.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I see it.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Tigger, bottom line.....God does not listen to lies or liars. Why, because he already knows the truth. You will NEVER recover, while these lies are in your heart. False confessions such as yours, will only harm your soul, not heal your spirit. By confessing to your husband, you will be confessing to God, and your sins will be washed away. Then , if your marriage is meant to be, it will heal and your husband will forgive you. But continued deceit will ruin it more than the EA did.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Remember, every day you lie. Every day you are harming your husband more and more You think you are sparing him, but every day your marriage grows weaker and weaker. Tell him, before it's too late to save it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!
> 
> .


Tigger, this is the problem, as I tried to indicate earlier. If you continue to ONLY rely on your conscience, it will never lead you to peace and wisdom in this. The bible that you follow tells you that if you attend communion, but have any unresolved sin between you and a fellow man, you are to refuse communion and clear things up between the two of you before taking communion. Not following this promises more heatache, according to the bible. This is what I was referring to. As christians, we don't follow a conscience if it flies in direct contradiction to God. This leads to the hypocrisy that every non-believing person on this site can reference ad nauseum. Our concience, when exalted above the integrity of our faith, will lead us into these problems repeatedly.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> In my particular case and probably many other cases, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! A person with a conscious, a person who knows right from wrong and person that has a relationship with God is bothered by it EVERY SINGLE DAY!
> 
> If any of you are familiar with the group Casting Crowns, they have a song titled, "Somewhere In The Middle." In the song, many examples are used about being "caught in the middle," and the one line that really speaks to me is, "somewhere between the alter and the door." So I say again .... I continually turned to God through all of this, and I truly believe that through His grace, I was able to finally put an end to what was haunting me every single day.


Tigger, here's the thing....

You started this thread asking if you should tell your husband the full truth. That question is even righ there in the thread title.

With a single exception, all of us who responded said you should. In explaining why you should, we appealed to your sense of human decency and logic.

Instead of taking that advice, you then began to further explain why you didn't think you need to, invoking your religion and having "made it right with god." So, we began appealing to that thought process.

And now, instead of listening to the advice that YOU asked for and that so many of us learned through painful, bitter experience, you're invoking a song...A SONG...as your rationalization for continuing to try rebuilding your marriage built upon the foundation of a lie...a lie you intend to perpetuate. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And you continue to lie, not just to your husband, but to yourself and to us, pretending that your decision is about "protecting" him, when we all can plainly see it's about protecting no one but yourself.

Seems as if you'd made up your mind before even posing the question here, and were simply looking for some sort of validation that it was the right choice. Well, it wasn't. And, unfortunately, you're not the only one who has to live with it. Your husband does, too. You betrayed him with your affair, an you continue to betray him every single day that you continue to lie to him.

Tell him. Or don't. You've already decided. Just be prepared to live with the consequences either way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> As we begin to heal and attempt to save our marriage, I struggle with something that my husband has repeated to me numerous times. *He continues to say that the only reason he has not left is because he's 99.9% sure I never met up with this OM. The truth is, I did.... on two separate occasions. *The first was strictly innocent and the second became more physical.


It just occurred to me: Your husband thinks you did not meet up with him because you told him you didn't. Am I right? Did he ask you if you met up with him and did you deny it to him? Why is he only 99% sure and not 100% sure? I'm assuming a conversation came up between you two where he asked if you ever met up with OM and you outright denied it to his face.

Is that correct?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, Tigger, so I just went back and read your other threads.

You did not mention (least I can't remember reading it) here in this thread how you have been living in a sexless marriage for 6 years, going on 7.

Your threads posted about how you were frustrated with your sexless marriage, got involved in an EA, your husband found out about the EA (but not the full extent of it), how you told him you want a sexual relationship with him, then he began to make an effort but now had ED issues, and he has a po rn problem, and then he confessed he was molested as child to you, and then you broke off the EA.

Ok, that is a LOT going on. 

I still think you need to tell him you met up with this guy. It could be the PUSH your husband needs, dear. If nothing changes, I would seriously consider divorcing him. A lot of people can live and survive a sexless marriage but it's not for everyone. It's clear your needs are not being met. If your husband is unwilling to work on these issues with you, then you have a one-sided marriage. If you continue to lie to him about the OM, you are living a lie of a marriage.

Talk, communicate, tell him what REALLY happened with OM, and try to get MC. If nothing changes, I would seriously consider walking.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Strange but I don't recall this teaching in the Bible about middle ground...being that you are a Catholic I can only assume that you are talking about the God from the bible...am I correct?
> 
> I do recall Him teaching about the narrow path...
> 
> ...


I mentioned that song because it talks about "me" being caught in the middle .... I'm not as close to God as I should be, but I haven't entirely turned my back; I haven't done what I need to do (tell my husband the truth), but deep down I know what I need to do. I'm simply "caught in the middle!" Is this not what all of us experience from time to time? We all slip and fall in our lives, and it's the getting back up and doing the right thing that doesn't always come easy. We know what we need to do, but it doesn't come easy. 

Someone made the comment that I'm staling by claiming that I made things right with God. Maybe so, but if staling will, ultimately, result in my making the right decision, then maybe that's okay. This partial truth has left me feeling very isolated, and many of you are absolutely right in saying that we cannot work on rebuilding our marriage based on a lie. 

The truth is, a lot of issues have lead up to this poor decision that I made, and that is something that my husband cannot deny. Some of you have said that I have spent a lot of time trying to justify myself as a "good person," but the fact is, that's the life/character .... up until eight months ago .... that I have lead/been. These poor choices are very much unlike the person that I am, and so trying to best fix what I have done is difficult because that involves total admission of what I have done wrong. I know that I will not know total peace until I tell my husband everything. Deep inside I do know that, and all of you have indicated that.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tigger01 said:


> I mentioned that song because it talks about "me" being caught in the middle .... I'm not as close to God as I should be, but I haven't entirely turned my back; I haven't done what I need to do (tell my husband the truth), but deep down I know what I need to do. I'm simply "caught in the middle!" Is this not what all of us experience from time to time? We all slip and fall in our lives, and it's the getting back up and doing the right thing that doesn't always come easy. We know what we need to do, but it doesn't come easy.
> 
> Someone made the comment that I'm staling by claiming that I made things right with God. Maybe so, but if staling will, ultimately, result in my making the right decision, then maybe that's okay. This partial truth has left me feeling very isolated, and many of you are absolutely right in saying that we cannot work on rebuilding our marriage based on a lie.
> 
> The truth is, a lot of issues have lead up to this poor decision that I made, and that is something that my husband cannot deny. Some of you have said that I have spent a lot of time trying to justify myself as a "good person," but the fact is, that's the life/character .... up until eight months ago .... that I have lead/been. These poor choices are very much unlike the person that I am, and so trying to best fix what I have done is difficult because that involves total admission of what I have done wrong. I know that I will not know total peace until I tell my husband everything. Deep inside I do know that, and all of you have indicated that.


"But...."

That's the next word you were going to type, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Pretty much.



tigger01 said:


> I know that I will not know total peace until I tell my husband everything. Deep inside I do know that, and all of you have indicated that.


So what are you waiting for?

Every day you wait to tell him, you are making it SO much worse.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It just occurred to me: Your husband thinks you did not meet up with him because you told him you didn't. Am I right? Did he ask you if you met up with him and did you deny it to him? Why is he only 99% sure and not 100% sure? I'm assuming a conversation came up between you two where he asked if you ever met up with OM and you outright denied it to his face.
> 
> Is that correct?


No, he has never come right out and asked me. Over the last couple of weeks, I've told him how sorry I am for all of this, and that's what his comment has been.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, Tigger, so I just went back and read your other threads.
> 
> You did not mention (least I can't remember reading it) here in this thread how you have been living in a sexless marriage for 6 years, going on 7.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time that you took to read everything else. It still doesn't make what I've done right by any means, but it may help paint a clearer picture of our marriage and me as a person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, it doesn't make your affair right but I can certainly empathize with you that I would not feel loved or appreciated if my husband did not want to have sex with me for a period of 6 years. In fact, I think that's crazy. You have brought up that issue to him several times and pretty much it's all stayed the same....though you did mention he's trying to correct it. So have you guys had sex since? Has he gone to the doctor about potential ED??? WHat steps has he taken to improve your sexless marriage?? 

I still think you REALLY need to tell him about the A...the full extend of it. He has the right to know what's gone on. You never know--this could be the push he needs to realize how hurt you were and how very much you need a sexual connection/intimacy/sex life with him. 

Again, your EA was NOT right. But neither is him not having sex with you, his wife. 

TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'd be surprised how resilient people are. Just how very much they CAN handle the truth. I promise you will feel so much better after you let him know. And you will think, "Gosh why didn't I tell him before?" I know it seems hard but really it's just a few words you need to say _"Husband, I need to tell you something. I feel very bad because I did not tell you the full extent of my EA. I did meet up with him twice but we did not have sex. Yes, it was physical, but no sex. I have since cut off all ties with him and you can verify that through This, This, and This (phone, FB, etc). I will never ever speak to him again for as long as I live. I know you are going to hate me and be upset but you have the right to know and I respect you enough to tell you the truth. I don't want any more lies between us. I have felt broken down in our marriage. I want to have sex with you and you won't have sex with me and it's hurt me BADLY. I want a sexual relationship with you. I NEED a sexual relationship with you. I feel unloved because you will not sleep with me, your wife. Of course, none of this is an excuse for what I did--I am very very sorry for what I've done to you, us, and our marriage and want you know it was fully my choice to go ahead and do what I did. I don't blame you. I want you to know what was going on in my mind. I love you. I am very sorry for the pain I know this has caused you but I don't want to keep anything from you anymore. If you are willing to, I want to work on our marriage together if you will give us the chance."_

See? Piece of cake.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Remember, every day you lie. Every day you are harming your husband more and more You think you are sparing him, but every day your marriage grows weaker and weaker. Tell him, before it's too late to save it.


:iagree: 100%


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

On Sunday I broke down and told my husband everything. I simply could not deal with the guilt any longer, and as many of you pointed out, the repairing of our marriage could not be based on lies.

How did he take it? Very well. Actually, too well. We talked for almost two hours, but he never raised his voice, he never shed a tear (although, he's normally not an emotional guy), nothing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I should be very grateful, I know, but it kind of bothered me and still does. He just seems way too laxed about everything in our marriage. Everything seems to be no big deal .... the porn (which I completely disagree with), our six-year lack of intercourse (which I have a complete problem with) and now this eight month EA/PA (met twice, but no intercourse) that I became involved in.

What is wrong with me? Should I just accept it and be grateful, or would you say that this behavior is rather odd? He now says that the only reason he's not filing for divorce is that he can't imagine his life without me. I did something terribly wrong, and I would almost feel better if he were a little tougher on me. Again, am I the one that's a little off here? What are your thoughts?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> On Sunday I broke down and told my husband everything. I simply could not deal with the guilt any longer, and as many of you pointed out, the repairing of our marriage could not be based on lies.
> 
> How did he take it? Very well. Actually, too well. We talked for almost two hours, but he never raised his voice, he never shed a tear (although, he's normally not an emotional guy), nothing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I should be very grateful, I know, but it kind of bothered me and still does. He just seems way too laxed about everything in our marriage. Everything seems to be no big deal .... the porn (which I completely disagree with), our six-year lack of intercourse (which I have a complete problem with) and now this eight month EA/PA (met twice, but no intercourse) that I became involved in.
> 
> What is wrong with me? Should I just accept it and be grateful, or would you say that this behavior is rather odd? He now says that the only reason he's not filing for divorce is that he can't imagine his life without me. I did something terribly wrong, and I would almost feel better if he were a little tougher on me. Again, am I the one that's a little off here? What are your thoughts?


Maybe he already knew but was waiting for you to admit it?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Maybe he already knew but was waiting for you to admit it?


That's my guess, but there's no way to know.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> On Sunday I broke down and told my husband everything. I simply could not deal with the guilt any longer, and as many of you pointed out, the repairing of our marriage could not be based on lies.
> 
> How did he take it? Very well. Actually, too well. We talked for almost two hours, but he never raised his voice, he never shed a tear (although, he's normally not an emotional guy), nothing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I should be very grateful, I know, but it kind of bothered me and still does. He just seems way too laxed about everything in our marriage. Everything seems to be no big deal .... the porn (which I completely disagree with), our six-year lack of intercourse (which I have a complete problem with) and now this eight month EA/PA (met twice, but no intercourse) that I became involved in.
> 
> What is wrong with me? Should I just accept it and be grateful, or would you say that this behavior is rather odd? He now says that the only reason he's not filing for divorce is that he can't imagine his life without me. I did something terribly wrong, and I would almost feel better if he were a little tougher on me. Again, am I the one that's a little off here? What are your thoughts?


My thoughts are you did the right thing! Good for you...now you can move forward based on truth.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my guess? he has emotionaly distanced himself from you. it probably wasnt that hard for him to separate his emotions when it concerned you, as he has probably been doing it for a long time(6yrs?) who knows why... he may not even know. he had to pour his emotions into something, and that is probably where the porn came in. too much of an addiction left him disconnected from reality, from you? maybe. i wouldnt say there is anything wrong with you. you expected to be punished, and wanted it because you want to feel redeemed, to "pay penance" so to speak. correct me if im wrong.

no, there is nothing wrong with you.

your marriage on the other hand has some serious issues to adress.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Tell your husband. The only way to regain the hurt spouses trust is through complete transparency. There's can't be any secrets ever again.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

You claim to be a devout catholic so you already know what to do...you are lying to him and you lie to yourself every time you pray.


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