# Husband's workplace EA - advise please?!



## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I hope it is OK to start a new thread here when I have one in another forum. I was just hoping for a bit of focused advice. Thankyou in advance for reading my story.

Attempting to cut it short, my husband approached me about 5 weeks ago and gave me the "I don't feel love for you anymore, I've been unhappy for a while" speech. Over the next few days, I stumbled across msg's from an employee of his, 8 years his junior (he is 30, she is 22). I confronted him immediately, to which he shared the bare minimum, sharing a little more as I disclosed what I was reading. This was over the phone.

The next morning he came home and said he will believes he will never love me again and trying to fix things wouldn't work. In the weeks following I went along with his illusion that the issues in our marriage (that I still haven't received an explanation about) and the feelings he developed for OW are completely separate, but I no longer feel that way and told him as much a couple of days ago. In those weeks I also apologised for and owned the things I believed I did to contribute to the break down of our relationship. I implored for more reasons and explanations from him, but got nothing. He is at the present, a guilt avoiding expert. But at the same time, not placing any blame on me. It's just that "we weren't working". Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was not bad by any stretch.

When I voiced my change in view of our situation, I didn't give him a chance to respond. I knew on the spot, it would be the same guilt avoiding explanations I have received over the weeks and I didn't want to put myself in a position to have to respond to them straight away. I also wanted him to dwell on what I said for a while, without the chance to try make himself feel better. I have received no contact since. Except being blocked from a bank account that only had his yearly bonus in it (he is a bank manager).

The advice I'm seeking is in regards to exposure. I have read countless posts and articles that this is the best way to stop the affair. (But I feel that since the day he left, he doesn't believe anything from then constitutes an "affair". Some people may agree?) And I am so grateful to the people on TAM that have taken the time to share their advice and stories. But as my H says he is so positively sure that he will never love me again and we will never work, I am wondering if in this particular case, there is still a "point" to exposing an affair when the spouse has expressed no desire for an R or to even work on the marriage? As much as he may not deserve the consideration, exposure could have very serious consequences for a career he has worked very, very hard for.

I feel like it would be seen as vindictive and vengeful, and give him fuel to see me more of a negative light than he may already, but my intention is to simply attempt to lift the "fog". Because he is not being nasty or blameful (just one of countless guilt avoiding tactics), I fear that exposure could be pin pointed as the act that I DID to turn the situation nasty.

Thankyou so much for reading. Apologies for not cutting it short as promised. :-(


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi TooMany,

I bet your head is reeling with confusion and conflict.

I'm no expert in this area as I've never been cheated on. I only decided to post here because I'm very surprised you haven't gotten any responses yet.

But I did want to ask you to think about the purpose of exposure and the potential unintended fall out. His career, as you've mentioned would be one giant fall out! Secondly, by exposing you risk alienating friends, family and even acquaintances because you're putting them in a position to choose sides.

You mention you think exposure might help to lift the fog. Would this be in hopes of bringing him back to the marriage so you two can work on it? Do you hope to save this marriage?

You know your husband best and how he might respond so I would caution you to behave in a way that is most likely to get you what you really want. So what DO you really want?

Why do you want to save this marriage? Can you ever love him and have faith in him again when you know his character is to avoid blame and to possibly cheat on you? Do you think this is out of character for him and he could possibly change?

At your ages, real life is setting in. The reality of how hard marriage can be, how hard climbing the corporate ladder can be, how hard it is to find excitement and joy given the day to day drudgery and disappointments life can bring. This is the time when true character is revealed and those with eyes open can see they've still got some things to learn. Conversely, those with eye shut may never learn. Do you want a life time of this?

So, my reply has only given you things to think about. You don't mention if you have kids, I'm assuming you don't or you would have mentioned them. My personal POV is that without kids to contend with, you will be happiest to leave this experience behind and make a new start, even as scary as that might be. Maybe this is something you greatly fear and it's also something you really need to do? Some people love being in their comfortable rut, and others do not. Decide who you are and what you want then go make it happen!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why are you convinced it's only an EA as opposed to a PA?

As far as exposing goes, from what I understand, it's about the only possibility you have of getting him back. 

Of course it may not work but it's about the only tool you've got in your arsenal, so it becomes a matter of how badly you want him back, and what do you have to lose by trying.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's following a recognizable pattern. He is already in a physical affair with this woman. It has probably been going on for a while.

Since he has left and you have no children (?), I wouldn't expose. From what you've written, it would cement his resolve that he could never love you again. Exposure can break someone out of the affair fantasy, but he sounds like he is too far gone for this and your doing it would make things much more difficult for you.

The takeaway for me is that you should feel much less responsible for the breakup of your marriage. The reason is that he has been having an affair. The onus is on him.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Hi TooMany,
> 
> I bet your head is reeling with confusion and conflict.
> 
> ...


Thankyou Anon Pink, I related to your words a great deal. Yes, that is exactly where my head is at.

To clarify, no we don't have children.

It's hard to know what I really want at the moment. I am mourning the man that I married, he was a wonderful person and husband. But the person he is at the moment, I don't feel like I feel love for. Which is a scary feeling for me. He quite literally seems like a completely different individual.

Your reasons for non exposure really rung true with me. I can't shake this feeling that I just need to let it run it's course. I think in big part because I know no words can penetrate the "fog" at the moment. And I keep trying to remind myself, why should I put effort into someone who no longer wants to effort into me? But it's just not that simple to walk away from 8 years.

A tragedy in our recent past has been playing on my mind a lot the last few days and I can't help but wonder if there is a link.. Almost 2 years ago our sister-in-law (his brother's fiancé) and their 2 sons were killed in a car crash. Looking back we spent a lot of time helping his brother and parents heal, and didn't spend a lot of time talking or dealing with it, just the two of us. I know it hit my husband hard, as it did all of us. He says he spoke to a counsellor (once) earlier in the day before I got the ILYBINILWY speech, and "confirmed" his feelings were not linked to that tragic event.

If there is more to what he going through emotionally, other than just our marriage issues, I want so badly to be the person there for him and for him to know I would do anything to help him through anything, but what am I supposed to do if he doesn't want me to be that person?? It breaks my heart into a trillion pieces that this other girl could be that person for him.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> He's following a recognizable pattern. He is already in a physical affair with this woman. It has probably been going on for a while.
> 
> Since he has left and you have no children (?), I wouldn't expose. From what you've written, it would cement his resolve that he could never love you again. Exposure can break someone out of the affair fantasy, but he sounds like he is too far gone for this and your doing it would make things much more difficult for you.
> 
> The takeaway for me is that you should feel much less responsible for the breakup of your marriage. The reason is that he has been having an affair. The onus is on him.


Thankyou alte Dame,

Yes it is extremely unbelievable to me, after all I have read over the last few weeks, how "textbook" his words and behaviour seem. But probably like the majority of people on TAM, I thought I married a completely different man. An intelligent, committed, extremely mature man, among other redeeming qualities he not showing at the moment.

I have definitely been doing better with taking less responsibility, I guess it's just harder when he is taking none!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Exposure doesn't always end the affair. Sometimes it just drives it further underground.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I hope it is OK to start a new thread here when I have one in another forum. I was just hoping for a bit of focused advice. Thankyou in advance for reading my story.
> 
> ...


EA + no longer in the marital home = PA

Is that a dealbreaker for you?

Also, didn't see any mention of kids...?

You said he's 30; how old are you? How long married?

Are you _reasonably_ financially independent?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll go on record as agreeing w/ the others in their individual assessments w/ respect to exposure -- it isn't likely to work here.

If there were children involved or if he'd appeared to be on the fence at all then it _might_ have worked, but, seeing as how he's had little to no contact w/ you in the past 5 weeks, I have to believe that he's pretty much gone.

If there's _anything_ that will pull him out of the fog at this point, it's probably being served divorce papers.

At work. Hell, if possible, have OW served as well. :smthumbup:

So sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does his family know about his affair?

I agree that serving him divorce papers at work is a good idea. He wants a divorce? Then let him see what that means.

What is your financial situation? Do you have a job? Will it support you?

YOu can file for divorce and ask for interim support while the divorce is in progress. Basically you both should be allowed about 50% of your joint income. So if he has to pay you some support... that's part of his wakeup call. 

Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights in divorce and get it moving. If possible where you live, list infidelity as the reason.

He is still legally married, no divorce has been filed, what he is doing is called adultery.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Was your husband put on anti-depressants after the tragedy? If no, then never mind, but if so, do some research: SSRIs can wreck marriages. 

In some people, it alters (diminishes) dopamine levels in the brain--the neurotransmitter responsible for the "in love" feeling....or staying in love. They're then searching out "hits" for dopamine--which comes from something new, something exciting, alcohol, etc. I ended up on these boards because I thought hubby and I had a serious relationship problem, but after he hit what I call "Rock Bottom", we learned how his AD had messed with him. In my research of it, I came across many stories of ruined relationships due to ADs. We're one of the lucky ones--it was never as bad as some of them, AND we figured it out and started getting him off it.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Tabitha

No he wasn't put on any AD.. But ironically my doctor has just prescribed me some. The first few days were horrible with side effects so I have decided to come off them for now and speak to my doctor.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou Tabitha
> 
> No he wasn't put on any AD.. But ironically my doctor has just prescribed me some. The first few days were horrible with side effects so I have decided to come off them for now and speak to my doctor.


Side effects subside after 4 or 5 days....I'd hang in there if I were you.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I suspect the fatal car crash has more to do with it than he admits.

Quite often you get parents divorcing after the death of a child because they either blame each other or have non compatible ways of dealing with their grief.

Perhaps the OP's husband is trying to distance himself from what happened (his way of dealing with it) and as the OP was part of the tragedy (by being his wife) he wants to distance her too.

The 22yr old work colleague is new, fresh and totally disconnected from his past.......


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou askari.

Yes it keeps playing on my mind, especially because looking back I feel like we didn'treally go throughthe grieving process. But then I also wonder if I am just looking for excuses.

More friends and family know about OW now, and he following behind me, giving them all the "OW is completely separate to our marriage issues" speech. 
He is seeing someone within weeks of leaving his wife.. what does he expect people to think??
But he doesn't seem to care.
It's like he feels because he is being "honest" his conscience can be clear.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is time you started living life for you and move on. Make plans and goals for you to accomplish, work through your emotions, and start detaching.

I suggest working out every morning to get the dopamine and endorphins going. It will help you throughout the day, and help you sleep better at night. Keep that support system around you for support, and start living your life the way you want as a single person.

The more you live life, the less you associate him with the current you, the more you let him go. Thinking of him less will stop reinforcing your attachment to him. Having fun with friends and family will help improve your happiness factor while you deal with this.

Associate and link these negative feelings, and memories to him. When you think about the good times, switch it to the present.

Learn the art of mindfulness, it will help you set your thoughts and emotions in the present.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Mr Fisty

You are completely right, I know. I am actually on holiday with friends at the moment and I am hoping to return home with a fresh perspective and lease on life.

The first few days have just been hard because I feel extra out of control of the situation on the other side of the world, even though I know I had very little control at home.

I have a lot of pent up anger and things I want to say to him, but I'm writing them down instead as I know saying them to him will achieve nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only chance you can keep him at this point is to immediately file for divorce and remove yourself from his grasp. Make him fear losing you, she might not look so great. And continue to inform EVERYONE that he started cheating and THEN left you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Does the OW have a partner? then expose to him.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

No OW doesn't have a partner. She's a little 22 year girl at his work (hope that doesn't offend anyone). He's her boss.

I have decided to do my best to go completely NC on him now for the remainder of my trip. I can't let go of the desire to make him take responsibility for the wrong he's done by me. But at the same time I know nothing I say or do can penetrate his guilt-free justification-filled affair fog bubble at the moment. So I need to stop. 

I had a go at him for spending money that will still have joint, on her. Long story as I may have mentioned above, but due to mortgages and the way we distribute our incomes, it was too hard to separate anything before I left for this trip. So I texted him when I thought he had been spending money on her, and he's just ignored me. That has to be my last straw. How much more am I meant to take.

I think I'm still in shock as to how he has turned out to be the polar opposite of the man I've believed him to be for so many years. So I create reasons to contact him in an effort to incite a response that will either make him more of a monster because maybe it is easier to hate him, or a response that might show that a tiny bit of the man I loved is still there. 

It's horrible that when the rollercoaster finally feels like it might be slowing down, it starts speeding right back up again..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you feel you have to contact him about money, just say this:

I'm informing you that, per my lawyer's instructions, I am documenting every dime you and I spend, and everything you spend on your adultery partner will be subtracted from your portion before we divide assets.


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