# Stick in the mud/where the sun don't shine?



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

For the past month and a bit, I've been dating a pretty fantastic man who I met online. We hang out 3+ evenings a week, have a bunch in common, and are still different enough to keep things interesting. A couple things came up just last night:

1. I mentioned that STBXH was coming over this weekend to walk the dogs. He mentioned that I talk about him fairly often. We both know the reasoning behind each of our marriages failing because we've shared that information. I have made a couple comments about my former marriage (which I immediately regretted), and mentioning the dog walk to my partner last night was just because now that we're in an exclusive relationship, I don't want to keep any information from him. I also realize that I need to keep the offhanded comments to myself in the future.

2. my partner had a very different upbringing from me; I was VERY sheltered, and he had free reign to do as he pleased. He was living on his own (with his GF) at 18, and I moved out of my parent's house at 26, and was forever the good little daughter who didn't put a toe out of line. I started dating at 20 because I wasn't allowed to date while I was in school. Because I moved out later in life and my folks were helicopters, I wasn't really allowed to do things like go out to clubs with my girlfriends, and to this day, I've never been drunk (and I'm 40). At this point, I have no real desire to get falling-down-drunk, but having a more fun and free life as a younger person would've been nice. I feel like a goody two-shoes, or that I have a stick shoved somewhere the sun don't shine. My partner and I are going away on a weekend trip shortly, and he mentioned going on a pub crawl. I've never been on a pub crawl. I know how to sit down and have a couple drinks; get a bit of a buzz on, but I don't know how to sit down and have half a dozen drinks. I don't know what kind of drunk person I would be, and right now, my fear is that I'll spout off a bunch of details on my marriage that my partner doesn't need/want to hear. I'm so excited to get away with him for a few days, but am now freaked out about having a couple too many.

3. Partner's former life (before his kids came along) was very much a party lifestyle. He was into a lot of drinking, smoked pot and I think he tried a couple of harder drugs too. Once he became a Dad, he did a 180. He's not like this anymore, although he does still have 2-3 beers some evenings. So, pot is going to become legalized where we live, and he mentioned last night that once it becomes legal, he'll probably try it again, but not imbibe like he did when he was much younger. At one point, being with someone who does any kind of drug was a big no, and I don't know how to feel about this. If it's just once in a great while, I would be OK with it, but what if it's a weekly thing? I tried to talk a bit about this last night, but wasn't sure what to really say/ask. I feel like I need to stick to my guns, but I also feel like I'm being too big a stick in the mud. 

He's a nice guy; like really sweet, and I'm very lucky to have found him. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, and he tells me often how he feels about me and how lucky he also is. He's adamant that I'm not a goody-goody, and that he appreciates me for who I am. This is one guy I really don't want to let get away, but I'm not sure how to broach these subjects or if I should just ride the wave for a bit to see how things go. He knew last night that something was up in my head and tried to get me to talk. Thing is that while I value communication, it's something that's going to be very hard for me because of communication issues with my STBXH and those close to me who usually diminish anything I say. What to do…?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Ursula said:


> For the past month and a bit, I've been dating a pretty fantastic man who I met online. We hang out 3+ evenings a week, have a bunch in common, and are still different enough to keep things interesting. A couple things came up just last night:
> 
> 1. I mentioned that STBXH was coming over this weekend to walk the dogs. He mentioned that I talk about him fairly often. We both know the reasoning behind each of our marriages failing because we've shared that information. I have made a couple comments about my former marriage (which I immediately regretted), and mentioning the dog walk to my partner last night was just because now that we're in an exclusive relationship, I don't want to keep any information from him. I also realize that I need to keep the offhanded comments to myself in the future.
> 
> ...


OP 

I think you just need to CHILL OUT.

everything doesn't have to be "perfect". you live and were brought up the way you are......that fine for you, but other people live there lives in meaningful ways to them. doesn't make you or anyone else right/wrong.......its just the way it is.

I suggest you embrace his differences and maybe even lighten up a little and try things that make you uncomfortable.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

With regards to the pub crawl,just have a soda or water every second drink.
When it comes to the pot smoking I think a wait and see attitude is your best bet.If he starts to imbibe more than you are comfortable with let him know,if he takes your feelings on board then good and well otherwise you may have to reassess the situation.
Good luck whatever you choose to do.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First you don't have to get fall down drunk on a pub crawl. You can get happy drink and still function fine. You don't drink much so be careful have a glass of water for every alcoholic drink and eat something. But take it slow. 

Now it is so normal for someone who had a very sheltered reserved youth to have feelings of "I wish I had more fun when I was young." Here's the thing, your still alive and living your life. You can still have fun. Be open to different experiences and let yourself be open to pushing your boundaries little by little. I have almost a phobia of lying on my deathbed saying I wish I had experienced this or that. So as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others and can look yourself in the mirror in the morning enjoy life and all the wonderful adventures it has to offer. 

As long as he doesn't get into smoking pot every night it's not a problem. Really it's no different than drinking in my experience. I live in a very affluent community with lots of CEOs, doctors, lawyers etc. Many of them smoke pot from time to time. It might make you a little uncomfortable because you haven't had much exposure to it. 

In this relationship start it off with strong open free communication.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think she needs to "chill out".

I think these are legitimate concerns.

A pub crawl and consuming huge amounts of alcohol aren't my thing, either. I'd do a pub crawl but without the massive drinking! I'd rather eat apps than drink.

The marijuana is a thing to look out for, too. Not everyone wants a partner who smokes every day. It's good to consider what may or may not work for you.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

For the pub crawl just don't finish your drink(s) and you can then easily control the amount you consume over the night. For the marijuana, that is completely your call whether you want to be with someone that uses those substances and the quantity used. There's not a right or wrong answer to that other than just do what you feel is right.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hey OP, I'm happy you highlighted a bit about your childhood as well as your new guy's. It seems that you believe you missed out on certain things during childhood while your guy had it all. While overprotectedness during childhood has a negative impact on children because it fails to meet children's needs for autonomy/competence/identity, an overly permissive/indulgent childhood which your guy grew up within also means his needs for realistic limits/self-control weren't met. 

All this to say, we're all kinda screwed up and you're no more/less at a disadvantage than he is. In fact, it is not surprising that your guy dallied in heavy drinking/smoking/drugs. Because his needs for realistic limits/self-control weren't met during childhood, he would have had a hard time developing self-control, following rules, learning to restrain impulses, take responsibility for his actions AND delay gratification. So yes OP, your own good judgement is just as valid as everyone else's and you are just as capable of making good decisions and establishing direction for your life.

So with regards to the issues you laid out:

1. As a result of your experience with helicopter parents, you may have a difficult time separating yourself from others especially in a romantic relationship. This could explain why you find yourself bringing up your ex without realizing it and being concerned about talking about that relationship if you get drunk. So this is happening subconsciously and the best way to address it is to start by being aware of it. Don't beat yourself up, accept it's a problem and try to focus on shutting these thoughts of your ex down before they spill out of your mouth. You could even explain to your guy that "hey, I know bringing up ex stuff is usually an indication that the person still has feelings for said ex or isn't over the relationship BUT this ain't the case with me. I know it's not ok and I will try my very best to cut it out. I'd appreciate if rather than get upset/take it personally, you help me be more aware of it by pointing it out."

2. You don't have a stick shoved anywhere! You're 40 and never been drunk, omg your liver must be clean as a whistle and doing cartwheels of joy. Congratulations for loving your body! I left my parents house at 16 and been living my life exactly how I wanted since. Guess what, I wouldn't do a pub crawl even if I got paid. I wouldn't do shots with my friends either. I just find this kind of drinking unnecessary and I'm just blase about the peer pressure that often accompanies these activities. If you don't want to do a pub crawl, be straight up with your guy. Keep in mind where his interest in that sort of activity stems from (indulgent childhood). If you want to experience this with no pressure, make that clear as well. Tell him you'll be happy to participate but you won't be imbibing with any intent to get drunk. Besides, you do not know him well enough to allow yourself to get falling over drunk especially when he'll also be drinking. 

3. This is a perfect time to establish a boundary. There's no problem being honest and sharing exactly what you shared now. HOWEVER you are not and never will be ok with it becoming a weekly thing. If he has a problem with that, guess what, you just saved yourself a whole lot of future stress. 

Good luck OP!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks guys, I kind of figured that I just needed to chill out and see how things unfold. I know that there isn't perfection in any relationship, but just wanted to be sure that I was on the right track.
@x598, I know that part of finding oneself is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, and maybe that's something that's in my future.
@Andy1001 and @happyhusband0005, good plan on the water with every second drink. I'm a lightweight though, and can get buzzed from a glass of wine, so 2 waters in between with food might be more my speed! Andy, I will definitely keep communication lines open and if things start to get out of hand, I'll voice my concerns. His reaction will be very telling. HH, I am still alive and living (and loving) life, and yeah, maybe I need to be pushed a little in order to experience some different things. My partner said the same thing as you last night; that smoking pot isn't much different from drinking. Plus, less carbs for us Keto people.
@Livvie, I'm not sure if chilling out is 100% the right thing to do here, and I do know that my concerns are legitimate. I will still probably talk to him a bit, but would also like to just see what his reaction is and where things go from there.
@Keke24, I definitely missed out on certain things in my younger years, but in some ways, had I been out on my own, running wild and free, I wouldn't be where I am now. I also don't think that my partner had it all; I think he had his own set of challenges to deal with. Despite the kind of wild life he had though, he's one helluva person now, but yes, I can see how overindulgence might be an issue! We all have our own things for sure, and I guess you're right in that I'm not at any more/less of a disadvantage than he is. And I think you're right in that I have a hard time separating myself from others. Even though my folks were helicopter parents, and my family really doesn't treat me the nicest nowadays, I still look to them for guidance and acceptance at times. I'll definitely be more aware of talking about my STBXH, and will try to stop beating myself up over this. I like your sample words to tell my current partner, and just for the record, he wasn't upset at all; merely pointing it out last night. My liver does the polka daily, I think! While a pub crawl might be uncomfortable, it kind of sounds like fun (kind of); it's more my fear of getting drunk and saying things I'll later regret.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> For the pub crawl just don't finish your drink(s) and you can then easily control the amount you consume over the night. For the marijuana, that is completely your call whether you want to be with someone that uses those substances and the quantity used. There's not a right or wrong answer to that other than just do what you feel is right.


Are you insane!
Not finishing a drink is sacrilege.
All my Scottish And Irish ancestors are spinning in their graves right now.
I’m joking. I don’t really drink that much and I’ve never smoked in my life.
As for pub crawls, you may find that the fresh air between bars affects you a lot more than you would imagine so be careful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Must admit that I wouldn't be interested in a partner who wanted to go on a pub crawl and who took drugs. Especially someone who is older and has a child but who still does those things. Honestly you haven't missed out on anything when it comes to getting drunk and taking illegal drugs and your parents did well to bring you up the way they did. 
You need to tell him that this isnt your idea of a nice evening out and not go along with it just because you are worried what he may think of you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that I wouldn't be interested in a partner who wanted to go on a pub crawl and who took drugs. Especially someone who is older and has a child but who still does those things. Honestly you haven't missed out on anything when it comes to getting drunk and taking illegal drugs and your parents did well to bring you up the way they did.
> You need to tell him that this isnt your idea of a nice evening out and not go along with it just because you are worried what he may think of you.


I'm not so worried about what my partner may think of me, I'm more worried that I'm letting my past dictate my future. I can hear my parent's voices in my head telling me how stupid I am to even think about going to a pub/bar, let alone even thinking about having a drink or two. And yes, I've been called stupid by them more times than I care to admit.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that I wouldn't be interested in a partner who wanted to go on a pub crawl and who took drugs. Especially someone who is older and has a child but who still does those things. Honestly you haven't missed out on anything when it comes to getting drunk and taking illegal drugs and your parents did well to bring you up the way they did.
> You need to tell him that this isnt your idea of a nice evening out and not go along with it just because you are worried what he may think of you.





Ursula said:


> Thanks guys, I kind of figured that I just needed to chill out and see how things unfold. I know that there isn't perfection in any relationship, but just wanted to be sure that I was on the right track.
> 
> @x598, I know that part of finding oneself is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, and maybe that's something that's in my future.
> 
> ...


Listen, yes dear like you said, you do need to chill out, completely. 

And, you don't have to drink every drink or at all if you don't want to, you are worrying about nothing. And you know, if your guy want to toke on a joint when it becomes legal, soooo what?

If it is not an everyday thing or starts causing problems, who cares? 

But the thing is, you know, you are forty, in your prime. If at some time you want to get a little drunk and have wild monkey sex, for gods sake, do it.

Now I don't know what it is about your marriage that you don't think you should talk about, or what bothers him... The fact that anything you want to talk about with him bothers him, hmmmm that one kind of bothers me. 

Now, if you cheated, or something like that, if he asks tell him. But problems in the marriage, or issues you had should be talked about. It is one way that you get to know each other. And is you are serious, you should be able to share almost anything.

My current GF was a little sheltered, before she me. And I am certain that she has never been with anyone like me. 

She is having a blast, we go out, the sex is great, she has never been treated properly by a man so that is a new experience for her... she is ecstatic and so am I. 

Here is the deal though, at some point you need to stop being so concerned about what mom and dad thing all the time or what other people think, live YOUR life so that YOU are happy. 

Just make sure that you actually understand what happiness is...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Listen, yes dear like you said, you do need to chill out, completely.
> 
> And, you don't have to drink every drink or at all if you don't want to, you are worrying about nothing. And you know, if your guy want to toke on a joint when it becomes legal, soooo what?
> 
> ...


I'm not sure that it bothered him that I mentioned my ex coming over to walk the dogs, I think it was just a comment, and I don't even think he was offended. And just for the record, neither of us need to be under any kind of influence to have a little wild monkey sex...:grin2:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> With regards to the pub crawl,just have a soda or water every second drink.
> When it comes to the pot smoking I think a wait and see attitude is your best bet.If he starts to imbibe more than you are comfortable with let him know,if he takes your feelings on board then good and well otherwise you may have to reassess the situation.
> Good luck whatever you choose to do.


This is good. Only thing I'll add is eat as you drink as well.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

weed is not a drug....it is a plant. If it was good enough for ancient civilizations for healing and spiritual needs well then by God, it's good enough for me!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ursula said:


> What to do…?


I found your post very interesting. Regarding the pub crawl, getting very drunk should not be the drinking goal. The goal is to maintain that nice buzz. Getting very drunk does not feel good and is not enjoyable. 

Regarding his comments about pot, I think that pot is no different than alcohol. My "friend" is responsible, a very dependable husband, with a respected professional job that he has maintained for many years. "He" also partakes in an embarrassingly small amount of pot about twice a month at home (but not inside the house) and only when his wife is around. 

I have the impression that you will be a great catch to some lucky man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I'm not so worried about what my partner may think of me, I'm more worried that I'm letting my past dictate my future. I can hear my parent's voices in my head telling me how stupid I am to even think about going to a pub/bar, let alone even thinking about having a drink or two. And yes, I've been called stupid by them more times than I care to admit.


In my teens I used to get drunk sometimes, but I grew out of that by the time I was 19 when I got married, was working full time, bought our first home and was responsible. If someone is still wanting to get drunk and take drugs at his age, that is a big red flag to me. 
Believe me you didn't miss anything not getting drunk or taking drugs. Nothing at all. 

I don't think he wants a drink or two, he wants to get drunk. That is his idea of a good night out it seems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> weed is not a drug....it is a plant. If it was good enough for ancient civilizations for healing and spiritual needs well then by God, it's good enough for me!


Its a drug and can be very dangerous. Its illegal where I live as well thank goodness.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Its a drug and can be very dangerous. Its illegal where I live as well thank goodness.


I vehemently disagree. You are smarter than thousands of years of civilization? I think not.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Ursula you've received great advice thus far. Re: 
pub crawl- you know your limit so abide by that. You'll be just fine you have a great head on your shoulders. I'm not a drinker at all I hate the feeling of being drunk.

Which leads me to my next point: I'm a regular MJ smoker. I'm responsible, a great friend and daughter, a good citizen of society, all my bills are paid, been at the same job for 20 years and have a great work ethic and reputation. I'm in the camp where I don't think MJ is a "drug", frankly I think it's way less harmful than alcohol, 
but that's a different post for another day. 

All this to say, I'm sure you know there are plenty of MJ users who are perfectly fine people who live great lives. Your BF could be one of these fine people. I would wait and see how this all washes out with him and if his MJ use is bothersome to you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your life, your boundaries.

Have a GREAT time!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> I vehemently disagree. You are smarter than thousands of years of civilization? I think not.


Ask any policeman or emergency service worker what they have to deal with in reference to people taking this drug and you will understand. 
It damages those who take it, and it damages those who have to deal with those who take it. It damages society as a whole. It costs us all a fortune as well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Life's all about experimentation and finding out what we enjoy…or don't enjoy. I think going on the pub crawl is a good thing for you to experience and also is part of the discovery process between you and your boyfriend. It will be interesting to see what kind of guy he is, he will either be understanding of you being an inexperienced drinker and keep his wits about him so he can watch out for you or he could be the type that keeps egging you on laughing trying to get you drunk, or simply forgets you are there and gets caught up partying. 

The weed conversations could just be his way of feeling you out to find out how you feel about it. Keep and eye on him during the pub crawl, if he sneaks outside a few times there's a good chance he's out there smoking weed (or is he a cigarette smoker?). He may not be a daily weed smoker but many times when people get in the party mode they go all in.

Since others are airing their views on pot……I was a daily pot smoker for a number of years when I was young, regardless of what some others have said it does impair you, it is a drug, but so is alcohol. Yes you can smoke weed and still function, I did it, but you are not functioning at the level you could/should be. Occasional use away from kids and responsibilities, no big deal, daily use is no one I would have in my life.

Let us know what kind of man he is after the pub crawl, hopefully his concern will be you and not getting wasted.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Betrayedone said:
> 
> 
> > I vehemently disagree. You are smarter than thousands of years of civilization? I think not.
> ...


I think you are confusing marijuana with alcohol, or some other substance.

Marijuana issues are NOT causing big problems for policeman nor do they cost us "a fortune" dealing with.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Its a drug and can be very dangerous. Its illegal where I live as well thank goodness.


How is marijuana worse that alcohol?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> How is marijuana worse that alcohol?


I’m by no means saying that there is anything wrong with marijuana,do what you want and as long as nobody is getting hurt then I’m fine with your choices.
There is one thing to consider. Weed stays in your system for a long time,over a month actually.If your workplace conducts random drug testing then you may fail even if it was weeks since you imbibed.

There is a prison in Ireland called Mountjoy.A few years ago there was a huge upsurge in heroin addiction and nobody could understand why.
It turned out that the prison had brought in a system of random drug testing but twenty four hours notice was required.Because weed takes so long to clear the system,prisoners started using heroin because it only takes a few hours to completely leave your system.You then had the ridiculous situation of someone being jailed who liked an occasional toke,leaving prison with a heroin addiction.
Don’t ever think that drugs are harmless,there not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> With regards to the pub crawl,just have a soda or water every second drink.
> When it comes to the pot smoking I think a wait and see attitude is your best bet.If he starts to imbibe more than you are comfortable with let him know,if he takes your feelings on board then good and well otherwise you may have to reassess the situation.
> Good luck whatever you choose to do.


Do NOT drink a carbonated drink between alcoholic drinks! The carbon dioxide molecules open up the stomach lining and allow alcohol to enter the bloodstream faster. 

Drink non-carbonated drinks between alcoholic drinks and this doesn't happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator Notice:-

Although the cannabis debate is interesting and has some relevance to this thread, if anyone wants to debate the general topic of cannabis use, please start another thread, OK?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I'm not so worried about what my partner may think of me, I'm more worried that I'm letting my past dictate my future. I can hear my parent's voices in my head telling me how stupid I am to even think about going to a pub/bar, let alone even thinking about having a drink or two. And yes, I've been called stupid by them more times than I care to admit.


Go on the pub crawl. You don't have to explain your limited imbibing other than stating you're the designated driver or walker.

As for your parents - a big fat "shame on them!".  The next time they call you stupid tell them not to be so harsh on themselves; after-all, they made you and raised you. Really; if you wanted their opinion, you would ask for it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m by no means saying that there is anything wrong with marijuana,do what you want and as long as nobody is getting hurt then I’m fine with your choices.
> There is one thing to consider. *Weed stays in your system for a long time,over a month actually.If your workplace conducts random drug testing then you may fail even if it was weeks since you imbibed.*
> 
> There is a prison in Ireland called Mountjoy.A few years ago there was a huge upsurge in heroin addiction and nobody could understand why.
> ...


Good thoughts; I didn't realize that. My workplace doesn't do random drug testing though, and I'm sure there are at least a couple people around who smoke it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think he wants a drink or two, he wants to get drunk. That is his idea of a good night out it seems.


Yeah, I think he wants to let loose a little, and I also think it might be his way of seeing what I'm all about. It's also _my_ way of seeing what _he's_ all about. So far, the man is definitely a gentleman, and is caring and protective, and I'm pretty certain that he's not putting on an act; this is who he genuinely is. I'm pretty sure he's not the type of person to just let me fend for myself in any situation.



Cooper said:


> Life's all about experimentation and finding out what we enjoy…or don't enjoy. I think going on the pub crawl is a good thing for you to experience and also is part of the discovery process between you and your boyfriend. It will be interesting to see what kind of guy he is, he will either be understanding of you being an inexperienced drinker and keep his wits about him so he can watch out for you or he could be the type that keeps egging you on laughing trying to get you drunk, or simply forgets you are there and gets caught up partying.
> 
> The weed conversations could just be his way of feeling you out to find out how you feel about it. Keep and eye on him during the pub crawl, if he sneaks outside a few times there's a good chance he's out there smoking weed (or is he a cigarette smoker?). He may not be a daily weed smoker but many times when people get in the party mode they go all in.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure if it'll be a good thing or not, but it'll definitely be an experiment in discovering further about each other! So far, he's very understanding about the fact that I'm not a big drinker, and doesn't have a problem with it, nor does he push it on me. With the personality traits he's demonstrated so far, it tells me he'll watch out for me. If he does laugh, eggs me on, forgets that I'm there, that will be the end of things for sure. He used to be a cigarette smoker, but quit that a few years ago. And yes, I also believe that pot is still a drug that impairs you. Maybe not as much as cocaine or meth, but impairing still happens to an extent. I'll let you guys know into June what the results are!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ursula said:


> For the past month and a bit, I've been dating a pretty fantastic man who I met online. We hang out 3+ evenings a week, have a bunch in common, and are still different enough to keep things interesting. A couple things came up just last night:
> 
> 1. I mentioned that STBXH was coming over this weekend to walk the dogs. He mentioned that I talk about him fairly often. We both know the reasoning behind each of our marriages failing because we've shared that information. I have made a couple comments about my former marriage (which I immediately regretted), and mentioning the dog walk to my partner last night was just because now that we're in an exclusive relationship, I don't want to keep any information from him. I also realize that I need to keep the offhanded comments to myself in the future.
> 
> ...


the bolded strikes me as troublesome. i see a red flag here. i don't know. i don't think this ends well somewhere down the line.......

just be careful and keep your wits about you at all times. don't worry about being a 'stick-in-the-mud' is my opinion. believe me, i've had some wild times, but those times flirted with danger too.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Do NOT drink a carbonated drink between alcoholic drinks! The carbon dioxide molecules open up the stomach lining and allow alcohol to enter the bloodstream faster.
> 
> Drink non-carbonated drinks between alcoholic drinks and this doesn't happen.


Note to self, Drink more carbonated drinks when I'm our drinking. Thanks Matty good advice.  :grin2:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My advise with the pub crawl... have fun but keep yourself safe with your wits about you. Don't rely on him to keep you safe, particularly if you haven't seen him in that environment before. I hope it's got some good stops for you to enjoy, whether that be local brews to learn, or good food and music to experience along the way. Eat, drink water, pace yourself. 

Recently I was designated driver for a friend and I, meeting up with a few others we hadn't seen in a while. A 'girls night-out' for dinner. I had 1 wine as we all toasted, then switched to espresso's. They were ordering 3rd glasses of wine and hadn't looked at menus yet. I was sober and hungry..! and ordered food for the table. They became unaware of how loud they were. I felt bad for the nearby family having a birthday dinner. Conversation was boring too. Friend and I called an early night. They were ready to kick-off elsewhere. At least the coffee was outstanding. I was wide-eyed and bushy-tailed all the way home! 

I've partied in my time... raves and clubs at 15/16. I enjoy wine at home with friends these days. Having a slight buzz is one thing, becoming unaware of your surroundings is another. The best 'label' to have is 'safe'.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> He's a nice guy; like really sweet, and I'm very lucky to have found him. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, and he tells me often how he feels about me and how lucky he also is. He's adamant that I'm not a goody-goody, and that he appreciates me for who I am. This is one guy I really don't want to let get away, but I'm not sure how to broach these subjects or if I should just ride the wave for a bit to see how things go. He knew last night that something was up in my head and tried to get me to talk. Thing is that while I value communication, it's something that's going to be very hard for me because of communication issues with my STBXH and those close to me who usually diminish anything I say. What to do…?


I was thinking about your post, in part because your upbringing resembled that of a couple of my close friends. Every so often, one friend goes clubbing/dancing all-night. She keeps her wits about her but it's something she felt she missed-out on when younger and enjoys this now. Another, when she visits, lets her hair down sharing wine with me at home. I'm aware of another friend whose mother's group periodically goes clubbing, substances involved. With Batman, even if I'm driving so he can enjoy a few, keeps within his limits as he likes to stay in control and handle himself/potential scenarios. This is due to _his_ upbringing - being a child of addicts. When he's been on work-retreats, everyone drinking, he's been the sober one. This meant when a drunk colleague was posturing, he diffused and walked away.

While these moments can be fun for many, it's not everyone's cup of tea. It's still very early days. I'd suggest just going with the flow for now. There's no harm in saying you're not interested in being around drugs - without putting stipulations on him and what he'd like to do. Time will tell if you're compatible. Enjoy the weekend away! Keep us posted.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey y'all!

Just got back from a weekend away with the current beau, and thought I'd update since some people had asked me to do that. Hiking was done, good food and drinks were had. We didn't "barhop", but I got pretty tipsy, and you know, it wasn't bad. It was nice to let loose and let my hair down a bit since I've never really done that. Beau was good with holding my hand going back to the hotel, and not letting me swerve into traffic. 

Couple things though, that really have nothing to do with letting loose:

1. I know you guys don't really know me but dogs are a huge part of my life. HUGE! We had 1 family dog pass away earlier this year, so now there are 5 dogs in my immediate family, 2 of which I'm a pet parent to. I also own a pet care side business, and dogs are my main clients. Once my 2 doggos pass, I'll need a break, but can definitely see myself getting another 1 or 2 in the future. Beau also has 2 dogs that are much larger than mine. They're expensive, no matter the size, and it's something that should be understood before taking on that responsibility. So, beau said this weekend that he'll never get another dog either on his own or with a significant other, and that if I ever got more in the future, he'd "come and visit". My desire for the future is to live with someone and eventually get married again if it's the right person. We see each other about 2x a week, and I'd think it would be hard to build a life with someone, seeing them only that much.

2. He lied very easily to me. His cell was locked on this trip, and it's never been locked before. How do I know this? Got up early at home one morning to feed dogs and let them outside. No glasses on, and our phones were side by side, so I grabbed one, swiped and realized it wasn't mine. This happened probably less than a month ago, and now his is locked, and he says it's always been locked. I don't particularly care that it's locked, as I have no reason to snoop anyways, but I do care that he lied so easily about it. I'm an open book, always have been with him, as I have nothing to hide. 

Bottom line: this trip opened my eyes to some things, and while we're still well-matched in some regards, and I still really enjoy being around him, I will be keeping my eyes open, and taking a couple steps back while I'm at it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I too would stay off drinking soda too much, whether coke/Sprite etc. Beside the carbonization that can be a whole lot of sugar and if coke, caramel artificial flavorings.

Water and eating, and only do what you're comfortable doing, I know you've got a handle on that.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes getting free milk!

No need to buy the cow.


Its a great arrangement. Stop by 2-3 times a week get you girlfriend fix and catch ya later. If its not working for you then ending it sooner would be prudent.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Ursula said:


> 2. He lied very easily to me. His cell was locked on this trip, and it's never been locked before. How do I know this? Got up early at home one morning to feed dogs and let them outside. No glasses on, and our phones were side by side, so I grabbed one, swiped and realized it wasn't mine. This happened probably less than a month ago, and now his is locked, and he says it's always been locked. I don't particularly care that it's locked, as I have no reason to snoop anyways, but I do care that he lied so easily about it. I'm an open book, always have been with him, as I have nothing to hide.


FYI, you can set up cell phones so they are "unlocked" while connected to a known blu-tooth device, for example, your car, so you don't have to keep unlocking it to skip a song, for example.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ursula said:


> 2. my partner had a very different upbringing from me; I was VERY sheltered, and he had free reign to do as he pleased. He was living on his own (with his GF) at 18, and I moved out of my parent's house at 26, and was forever the good little daughter who didn't put a toe out of line. I started dating at 20 because I wasn't allowed to date while I was in school. Because I moved out later in life and my folks were helicopters, I wasn't really allowed to do things like go out to clubs with my girlfriends, and to this day, I've never been drunk (and I'm 40). At this point, I have no real desire to get falling-down-drunk, but having a more fun and free life as a younger person would've been nice. I feel like a goody two-shoes, or that I have a stick shoved somewhere the sun don't shine.
> You shouldn't feel that way AT ALL. You really didn't miss out on anything with the type of lifestyle you are talking about -- puking in the morning from a hangover, tremendous headaches, regretting stuff you did the night before -- THAT is the reality of what you missed out on.
> My partner and I are going away on a weekend trip shortly, and he mentioned going on a pub crawl. I've never been on a pub crawl. I know how to sit down and have a couple drinks; get a bit of a buzz on, but I don't know how to sit down and have half a dozen drinks.
> Don't have a dozen drinks -- just have one at each pub, and if you start getting buzzed, switch to club soda or something until you get back under control. If you think you are going to be a chatty Kathy when drunk, it's something to think about (i.e. DON'T get drunk). You can still have a ton of fun without getting wasted...
> ...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Betrayedone said:


> weed is not a drug....it is a plant. If it was good enough for ancient civilizations for healing and spiritual needs well then by God, it's good enough for me!


Hemlock is a plant. Poison Ivy is a plant. Not everything natural is good. 

Oh, and ancient civilizations did all kinds of wacky stuff. Not all ancient wisdom is actually wisdom.

Spiritual? Ha. Why not be honest and just admit people just wanna' get stoned?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*"Bottom line: this trip opened my eyes to some things, and while we're still well-matched in some regards, and I still really enjoy being around him, I will be keeping my eyes open, and taking a couple steps back while I'm at it."*

So, you've been dating about 3 1/2 months now, been on nice trip, and are seeing some concerning things. WISE to keep your eyes open. He was setting boundaries that you may be uncomfortable with (no dogs). 

Re phone lock: Have y'all discussed being exclusive? Do you do other things except him coming over at home? 

STBX usage suggests divorce is still in process or have I misunderstood. Rebound stuff happening?

BTW: Using MJ after brain development (app.25 years) has different ramifications than using in younger years.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> *"Bottom line: this trip opened my eyes to some things, and while we're still well-matched in some regards, and I still really enjoy being around him, I will be keeping my eyes open, and taking a couple steps back while I'm at it."*
> 
> So, you've been dating about 3 1/2 months now, been on nice trip, and are seeing some concerning things. WISE to keep your eyes open. He was setting boundaries that you may be uncomfortable with (no dogs).
> 
> ...


Regarding the dogs thing, he sang a different tune a couple months ago, and he's well aware that my dogs are my family. We both treat our pets very differently. According to him, in the future, his opinion could change; that was just his opinion at that particular time. I don't really get how a 43 year old can change his mind so quickly!

We have discussed being exclusive, and have been exclusive since the beginning of April. We mostly hang out in my neck of the woods because he has 2 teenagers, 1 of whom I've met. We sometimes just hang out at my house, and sometimes we go out. 

You're not mistaken, my divorce is still in progress, but the divorce papers have now been signed and everything should be final in a couple months. I don't really feel like I'm on a rebound, as I felt single for much of my marriage, so I felt ready to move on with my life shortly after we were separated.

And good to know that using MJ after 25 has different ramifications. He used it pre-25, was clean for a number of years, and is now 43.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

From my perspective based on the totality of what you've written, I think this guy is a waste of your time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Magnesium said:


> From my perspective based on the totality of what you've written, I think this guy is a waste of your time.


Because of the dog issue? Or something else?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Sounds like he is trying out different positions on living w/ dogs. At some point you'll have to say "I am going to live w/ dogs. Does that mean you're never going to live w/ me? I need to know." The hard part is when to say that, and I don't see how we can help you w/ that.

Don't know about the phone, is it possible he had left the lock off and not realized it, as opposed to lied to you about it?

As for weed, if he isn't drunk all the time hopefully he won't be stoned all of the time when it is legal. I think there is a difference btw weed and booze in that many drinkers will stop drinking before being intoxicated, and I don't think many people do that w/ weed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Regarding the dogs thing, he sang a different tune a couple months ago, and he's well aware that my dogs are my family. We both treat our pets very differently. According to him, in the future, his opinion could change; that was just his opinion at that particular time. I don't really get how a 43 year old can change his mind so quickly!
> 
> We have discussed being exclusive, and have been exclusive since the beginning of April. We mostly hang out in my neck of the woods because he has 2 teenagers, 1 of whom I've met. We sometimes just hang out at my house, and sometimes we go out.
> 
> ...


Lots of red flags here. I love dogs and I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want them. Lying is a massive red flag. For me too much drinking is bad enough, MJ is a complete no no. He acts like an immature teenager, not a older man with 2 teenage children.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

My Uncle always said "if someone can't be humane to a dog, they can't be human to people". Dogs are best kind for sure! My wife told me that if her dog at the time didn't like me, she wouldn't have even dated me.

First time I met her dog, I went over to her house to help her with her car with another guy from work. Her dog (a big German Shepard) stood in front of the other guy and growled. When I called to him, he wagged his tail, jumped up on my shoulders and started licking my face. Been married almost 30 years, so I guess he was a good judge of who his Mom should be with


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Lots of red flags here. I love dogs and I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want them. Lying is a massive red flag. For me too much drinking is bad enough, MJ is a complete no no. He acts like an immature teenager, not a older man with 2 teenage children.


This... I could not get on with somebody who doesn't like dogs. I do drink, but pub crawls at 49? :surprise: Come on! As for MJ, everybody is free to do what they want, but personally I'm not very keen on drugs. I did try it when I was younger and it just made me feel weird and completely out of control... :smile2::smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> My Uncle always said "if someone can't be humane to a dog, they can't be human to people". Dogs are best kind for sure! My wife told me that if her dog at the time didn't like me, she wouldn't have even dated me.
> 
> First time I met her dog, I went over to her house to help her with her car with another guy from work. Her dog (a big German Shepard) stood in front of the other guy and growled. When I called to him, he wagged his tail, jumped up on my shoulders and started licking my face. Been married almost 30 years, so I guess he was a good judge of who his Mom should be with


My Gran used to say the same thing. She said how a person treats an animal, will tell you alot about them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Lots of red flags here. I love dogs and I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want them. Lying is a massive red flag. For me too much drinking is bad enough, MJ is a complete no no. He acts like an immature teenager, not a older man with 2 teenage children.


Urs, why did he and his wife split up? That might be telling.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Love me, love my dog. We are a package deal.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

The guys dating a (OK - separated but still) married woman - what do people expect ? Some high ethics perfect guy ? At least he was honest - he doesn't want more dogs once his pass.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Because of the dog issue? Or something else?


Based on everything - the totality of all she has written about him and herself. It's just a complete waste of time. From my perspective, it is as clear as day.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@SpinyNorman, that's what I pretty much said to him when the subject came up. He knows how big a part dogs play in my life, and his words were that he would "come and visit". Just for the record though, he often jokes that he comes to my place to see my dogs, both of whom love him (and 1 is really hard to win over). I'm unsure about how he'll handle the weed.
@Diana7, I'm leaning towards agreeing with you!



jlg07 said:


> My Uncle always said "if someone can't be humane to a dog, they can't be human to people". Dogs are best kind for sure! My wife told me that if her dog at the time didn't like me, she wouldn't have even dated me.


JLG07, funny thing is that both of my dogs absolutely loved my STBXH, and they both also love this guy. One is a total pushover, and I often joke that she'd ask an intruder for a belly rub, but the other is very selective about who he likes. That's awesome for you; yes, animals are a really good judge of character!
@In Absentia, my beau is 43, not 49, but I still agree with you. People have to grow up at some point. For me though, I'm more worried about how he'll handle the weed once it becomes legal.



aine said:


> My Gran used to say the same thing. She said how a person treats an animal, will tell you alot about them.


My God, this is so true. But, I will say that the way my ex treated me wasn't great, but he was pretty damn great to my dogs. 



aine said:


> Urs, why did he and his wife split up? That might be telling.


 @aine, he told me that it was just them growing apart. They'd been together since they were teenagers, and grew in different directions later on in life. Now though I'm kind of questioning this too. 



2&out said:


> The guys dating a (OK - separated but still) married woman - what do people expect ? Some high ethics perfect guy ? At least he was honest - he doesn't want more dogs once his pass.


 @2&out, yes technically I'm still married for another couple of months until the divorce papers are passed through the courts. My beau however has been separated for 4 years, and they haven't started the divorce proceedings at this time, so I'm MUCH closer to being divorced than he is. So, you could ask that same question about us both. Personally, I don't expect someone perfect, and no one is. I do expect honesty, someone healthy and someone who knows what he wants out of life. Yes, he was honest about not wanting anymore dogs, BUT also said that his opinion of that could change in half an hour or next month. Not really conducive to knowing what one wants in life.
@Magnesium, I'm leaning towards agreeing with you, but am not quite ready to write him off just yet. I do genuinely like the guy and care about him. But, I'm unsure that I can trust what he says anymore, or that in the future, he'll change his mind quickly about anything. I'm keeping my eyes wide open though, and will be calling him out on his cell phone next time I see him. If he doesn't like what I have to say at that time, he's free to walk out my door and keep on walking.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

And, see, the phone thing is the least of my concerns. I know it's entirely possible that his phone can remain unlocked while charging, so he may not be lying at all about that. 

I also don't see the dog issue the same way as you seem to looking at it. I see his comment about the possibility of him changing his mind depending on his feelings as less about him not knowing what he wants and more about him wanting what he wants when he wants it. Apply that to any other area (or many other areas) of his life and what do you get? Chaos, tears, broken promises, excuses, etc, etc, etc. If this is his mentality, then I would view him as irresponsible, selfish and unstable, and yourself as very temporary. Sure, he may just be a poor communicator, or simply avoidant and didn't want to discuss long term anything with you, so made some stupid comments, but wouldn't that also be indicative of an issue?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't know that changing his mind about wanting another dog is necessarily an indication that he's flaky or changes his mind too quickly. I loved my dog. She went everywhere with me and was pretty much my second child. After she died, I eventually found I enjoyed the freedom of not having a dog anymore. And I still don't have another. That doesn't make me inhumane to dogs, a dog hater, or someone who would never consider having a dog. It makes me someone who is self-aware enough to realize that I have a lot on my plate at this point in my life, and that my lifestyle is currently benefiting from my not having a dog. Some posters here are carrying on as if your beau tortures animals and eats puppies. But that isn't what you've said. Apparently, he's simply a dog owner who might sometimes imagine (and be willing to admit) that he might see himself someday enjoying a lifestyle that isn't centered around caring for a dependent pet. That in no way makes him a bad person, untrustworthy around animals, or anti-dog. Nor does it indicate that he's going to try and force you to abandon your pets for him. It's not a red flag to think about and discuss the idea that you might possibly enjoy a different lifestyle at some point in the future once the dogs have passed or the kids are out of the house or you retire. That's thinking about the future, and those future plans may change fairly often as events unfold or moods change. I really see nothing suspicious in that - in and of itself.

However, there are lots of other issues on which you and this man do not seem to be compatible. You don't seem to really know why his marriage ended but you feel like his story is a little shady. You aren't happy with some of his habits. You aren't sure you trust him. Something just doesn't feel right to you. 

So, break up with him. You don't need to keep looking for justifications or reasons or prove to anyone that there's something wrong with him. You don't need to search for clues to prove he's shady or lying or insufficiently devoted to his pets in order to leave this relationship. All you need to know is that - for any reason, or no reason at all - this man just doesn't feel like the one for you. That you're just not feeling it is absolutely enough. There's really no need for all this angsty sleuthing through his every word and deed. If it doesn't feel right - and apparently it doesn't - end it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> And, see, the phone thing is the least of my concerns. I know it's entirely possible that his phone can remain unlocked while charging, so he may not be lying at all about that.
> 
> I also don't see the dog issue the same way as you seem to looking at it. I see his comment about the possibility of him changing his mind depending on his feelings as less about him not knowing what he wants and *more about him wanting what he wants when he wants it*. Apply that to any other area (or many other areas) of his life and what do you get? Chaos, tears, broken promises, excuses, etc, etc, etc. If this is his mentality, then I would view him as irresponsible, selfish and unstable, and yourself as very temporary. Sure, he may just be a poor communicator, or simply avoidant and didn't want to discuss long term anything with you, so made some stupid comments, but wouldn't that also be indicative of an issue?


Yeah, that makes sense now that I think of it because he does seem to change his mind as fast as he changes his underwear.

As to the phone, when I accidentally swiped into his in the past month that one early morning, it wasn't charging, and I've seen the way he operates it, and it never used to be locked down, so I'm pretty sure he's lying about it. Not 100%, but pretty darn close.

And yes, even if he were just avoiding talking anything longish term, that would still be an issue. He's a fun man to be around, but I think it might be time to cut him loose, and find someone more inline to what I want out of life.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Well, it is up to you if you want to completely cut him loose, but why not just enjoy having him around when you want to get together and do something fun? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you not salvage a friendship out of this? Why not simply take control of your time and boundaries and apply them while still enjoying his company from time to time? It doesn't have to be a discussion or anything. Simply live your boundaries and see where it goes.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Very true @Magnesium, we can enjoy each other's company in the here-and-now, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. And yes, I can stick to my boundaries without making a big deal out of them. 
@Rowan, to be honest, I've felt like an angsty teenager this last little while, worried about Every. Little. Thing. It's exhausting, for me and probably for him too. No, he doesn't torture animals, nor does he eat puppies, and yes, I've also entertained the idea of being footloose and dog-free after my 2 pass away. Reason being is that I keep myself busy: full time work, 2 side businesses, and I enjoy not sitting at home every evening. And that's hard to do with the responsibility of 2 dogs. I read a thing once, a long time ago that was about a dog talking to his pet parent. He was saying "you have your work, your hobbies, your friends. All I have is you." So true and very guilt-inducing, but it's something I remember when my furballs get a bit needy, or I'm running late to get home to them. 

As to the trust, I had 100% trust in him until this past weekend when he lied about always having his cell password protected. It wasn't always that way, as I found out by accident one morning. Regardless, I will still enjoy his company for the time being, but have taken a step back from being so emotionally invested in this. I'll ride the wave and see how things go, and keep having fun in the meantime!

Thanks y'all for your comments, and sorry that I've sounded like an angsty teenager!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula I like your threads and I'm rooting for you. 

I don't like how he seems to shy away from you talking about your ex.

Yes you are going thru a divorce.

You have emotional baggage.

Very understandable.

When I walked away from my ex hubby, relationship of roughly 13 years and multiple kids together, I was DONE DONE DONE.

But it still HURT HURT HURT.

I had suffered physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse. 

I was technically in no state of mind to start a new relationship. But I did.

My 2nd hubby knew this and he wanted to help. 

He knew it would be crazy and that I was very hurt and etc etc. But he wanted in anyways.

I even offered several times for me to go get counseling so I could put the emotional crap on a counselor and try to work thru the feelings and emotions. Nope. My 2nd hubby told me no. He wanted me to tell him all of it.

I can't tell you all the times I cried and talked for hours to my hubby about all of it. And over time, the break downs got less and less.

But never for one minute did he think or feel like I missed my ex, or wanted him back, or whatever. Cause I didn't.

Just everything that transpired hurt like hell and it was crushing. 

My husband took a very damaged woman and with him and God's help, I came through the other side. 


He is a very strong man to be able to handle all that. To be able to handle me. And to be able to build me up. 

There's alot more, but you get the idea.


If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't of been able to jump into a situation where a person was rehashing and crying about their ex. it would bother me that they were still so focused on their ex. 

And its not that I was "focused" on my ex. 

I just wanted to get the hell away from him and move on with my life with my kids and someone new who loved me and cared about us. And I did.

But yeah there was alot of emotional damage and alot of tears along the way. Alot of hurt. 

Now I have been with my 2nd hubby for 14 years. And I never knew life could be so amazing. 


This new guy your dating others have already touched on drinking/drug concerns. I am very strongly against drugs. I wouldn't want to be with an alcoholic. My ex wasn't, but the very rare occasions he did get drunk it was horrible. He was a horrible drunk. 

Me, I drink occasionally. I can take it or leave it, it's not an issue for me. 

My 2nd hubby used to be a big drinker during his partying days, but those days ended before he met me. I wouldn't be with a man who was a big partier. If we wanted to party together every once in a while, sure. But not a regular thing. 

ANyway.

Good luck to you Ursula.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks @Inloveforeverwithhubby!

He's been a lot more open when I mention my ex, and he's mentioned his ex a few times lately too. I don't talk a lot about him, but feel the need to be open as to when STBXH is stopping by to see the dogs, and I also want my beau to know where/what I came from because I don't want a repeat of that relationship. I think that the only time I've been upset is when I signed the divorce papers recently, and that was just more because I closed a chapter of my life that I had high hopes of working out.

I'm so sorry to hear that you suffered so much abuse from your exH, but that's great that you found someone new to share you life with who's understanding of your prior situation.

As to the drinking, I may also be hypersensitive to stuff like that because I was raised by parents who rammed it into my head that drinking more than 1 drink was bad, bad, bad, and going to a bar even just to dance was even more awful. I can't tell you the number of times that I cancelled dancing plans with girlfriends when I was over legal age just to shut my parents up. They're very opinionated and vocal about those opinions, and as a result, I'm hypersensitive when going out with people who have more than 1 drink. Yes, beau can put them away over the course of a few hours, and I'm done after 2-3, BUT, he's a man, he's bigger than me and he's had more years of ingesting alcohol than me. To confirm: in my presence, beau has never been drunk; but we've both been tipsy, and I'm okay with that. The marijuana, I'm still unsure of, and will have to see how things transpire with that when it becomes legal where I live. I don't like drugs, but from the research that I've done on it, it also depends on how MJ is taken. He's explained how he plans on taking it, and it's eased my mind. I also know that he's taking it for chronic pain, not to get higher than a kite. Hell, I've thought about trying it in very small doses, as I also have chronic pain and migraines. My back is so tight people have said it's similar to massaging a brick. I hurt all the bloody time, and think that CBD (not THC) would help immensely, so it's something I'm considering.

We saw each other last night, and we had a great talk about some deep things. He shared some thoughts, and we agree to be open with one another, and I'm still happy with where things are. That doesn't mean that I have rose coloured glasses on; my eyes are wide open, and I'll continue to have a bit of a guard up for awhile. I know he does as well though, as shared last night. We've both been burned and have baggage after all.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

"And yes, even if he were just avoiding talking anything longish term, that would still be an issue. He's a fun man to be around, but I think it might be time to cut him loose, and find someone more inline to what I want out of life."

THEN: 
"Regardless, I will still enjoy his company for the time being, but have taken a step back from being so emotionally invested in this. I'll ride the wave and see how things go, and keep having fun in the meantime!


Folks are telling you to chill and you apologize for teenage-like angst. Thinking this stems from your deeper gut feelings of need for caution.

Glad you are communicating on a deeper level. CBD (oil) does perform miracles in some people--but use is totally different than recreational MJ (THC).

I've reread your posts. It seems to me you're sorta attracted to his bad boy stuff, nice way he treats you, but basically you and he are different in many ways--beliefs, lifestyle. That is, you have some curiosity about living a freer life style, but are stymied by your core values.

Doesn't sound like he in any hurry to divorce--4 years separated no movement. Also, lack of trust is another big red flag and you are aware of this. So, all this points to enjoying a superficial relationship, but beware of expecting more!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think you are confusing marijuana with alcohol, or some other substance.
> 
> Marijuana issues are NOT causing big problems for policeman nor do they cost us "a fortune" dealing with.


I went to school with a young man who was shot dead by the police, due to drug induced schizophrenia, brought on by heavy marijuana use as a teen.

It does cause problems for police - and families and the community as a whole.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Thanks @Inloveforeverwithhubby!
> I don't like drugs, but from the research that I've done on it, it also depends on how MJ is taken. He's explained how he plans on taking it, and it's eased my mind. I also know that he's taking it for chronic pain, not to get higher than a kite. Hell, I've thought about trying it in very small doses, as I also have chronic pain and migraines. My back is so tight people have said it's similar to massaging a brick. I hurt all the bloody time, and think that CBD (not THC) would help immensely, so it's something I'm considering.


CBD oil is very different to smoking "weed". It's made from a different part of the plant too. You dont get the "high" that you do from smoking drug weed.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Current research shows that a combination of CBD and THC works best for pain--your professed interest. Ratio is still to be determined. CBD oil does wonders for those with seizure disorders. That is, it is less harmful than mixture of drugs given otherwise.


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