# I think I am losing my mind...literally.



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is hard for me to write about and I have gone back and forth about putting it out there in public, but I have not spoken to anyone IRL about it and I guess I am hoping that someones feedback will help me to make sense of this.

I feel like giving up on my life. I feel like a failure in all aspects - my marraige is less than stellar, I feel like a bad mother...my kids get on my nerves more than I enjoy being with them (ages 2 & 3) and they deserve to have a mother who cherishes them. I am screwing up all the time at work, feeling like I am failing my employees by not giving them a good example to follow. I am just ready to crawl in a hole somewhere.

I have been unhappy for a very long time. I have rugswept for years. My motto has always been to never give up keep plugging away at it and in time things will improve. I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I al ready to bag this life and move on. I want to quit my job, my marriage and my kids and run away.

I have a history of doing just that. My life has never been this complicated, but I have notoriously taken on more than I can handle in the past, and then snapped. I have suddenly broken off long term relationships and friendships, quit jobs, one time I walked away from college for 18 months, and just layed low until I felt like I could get myself back to a better mental state...then I have picked myself up and got back into society again.

I am at my point again where I want to walk away. I have posted here before about the problrms in my marrsoge...compared to most its been nothing major. No infidelity, just a H who stonewalls me and lots of communications issues. But H is a good guy. I feel like we would both be happier apart. Like I am poison to be around in this state of mind. He can do better, and maybe the next girl wouldn't give him so much grief. I know it would break his heart if I left him, but I also know it would only be a temporary pain that would ease in time and that he would have a better future if I left. I told him this and he freaked out, clearly I am crazy, but that doesn't change my gut feeling that I am.right.

We have not been spending a lot of time together recently with lots of work commitments going on and I find that the less we are together, the more I enjoy it and think this would be a nice thing to do permanently (separation). I have no bad feelings against him, just a feeling that I cannot be a wife right now and that everyone is better off if I am not around. He asked me if there was another guy, and no there isn't - I am completely transparent and told him he's free to check. He asked me what I would do with my freedom...I don't know. Just ridding myself of the ties is as far as I thought out. I think of jumping into a river and just letting it take me away to be honest. I know that's weird.

I dont know what to do. I know this is probably weord to everyone who reads it. I am just done. I want everyone to go ahead and mourn my loss so I can drift off into the sunset and walk away. I don't have any mania or desire to accomplish anything or do anything grand, I literally just want to be left alone to do nothing, talk to no one, have no one to answer to, no one to explain myself too. That is what I daydream of.

I am actively pushing my H away because I cannot be close to him right now. I use all of energy to be stable for my kids but feel like I can only handle small doses or I am overwhelmed and become easily frustrated and angry with them. I no longer feel in control of my own life and told H that if we separate he can call all of the shots, he can have everything and just tell me what he wants to give me, I would be the one to.move out and leave him anything he wanted. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

You are not crazy. You sound depressed. Or, at the very least, you need help with developing coping skills. Sometimes when life becomes overwhelming it seems easier to just run away and hit the restart button but at the end of the day you wind up hurting a lot of people, including yourself. You need to speak to someone who can help you get THRU stress as opposed to just going around it. 

And honestly if your kids didn't drive you crazy at those ages then I'd be worried.  

When there is a lot going on it is difficult to compartmentalize all the issues and just focus on one. So when that happens you become stressed out, sad, overwhelmed, scattered, etc. So of course it is going to beat you down and make you want to run. You need to tackle one thing at a time. And remember, you have a husband that loves you. Lean on him for help. You can't be expected to do it all alone.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Major depression. And kids that age WILL drive you nuts! You are probably a better Mom than you give yourself credit for because you obviously care about their wellbeing even if you don't always like their company.

I'd say please make an appointment with your general practitioner to try an anti-depressant, get your hormone levels tested and be referred to a counselor. 

Just think, 10 years from now you can look back on this dark period and be so glad that you did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It sounds like you are burning your candle at every end.  It's simply not healthy to run yourself to the ground like this.

Work is work, i know...but sometimes sacrifices have to be made to keep the household going smoothly.

Kids that age can be annoying (I have a 3 year old who can be a real turd). I know I start feeling the way you do (overworked, overwhelmed, etc), so I have to regroup and pull back on some things.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Kag,

I agree with the others that this could be a depression issue, one that you've had most of your life but haven't dealt with and it comes on really strong when you have a lot of stress factors (like 2 small kids, a job and a husband)

Please seek out help right away to start dealing with your issue before you walk away from what could be a good life


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KAG, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I've been there, and it sucks when you just don't know any other options and it feels like nothing's ever going to change. 

I hope you can find a way to get through it, though, because if you leave or hurt yourself, your children and probably your husband will be forever scarred because of it. Even though you're feeling disconnected from them right now, you *do* have a connection. Something is getting in the way of you seeing it, but I promise you that it's there.

It sounds like "cut and run" has been your method for coping with similar feelings in the past. This means you've never experienced the joy and satisfaction that comes with getting through the hardships when "nothing seems to measure up" to what you're hoping for in life. But the ONLY way to find that is to recognize your purpose and to pursue it. 

It's a lot easier for me to type it than it is for anyone to do! I hope you don't make the same mistake I once did. I was also a cut/run type, and at one point, I alienated everyone or was distant from them - my children, my coworkers, and most of my friends. I felt like I had no reason to live at all. I had divorced a couple years earlier. My children lived far away and held some resentment because I'd divorced something they saw as very good to me. I knew that I needed to find purpose, but all the Internet searches in the world didn't help me find any solutions. I avoided seeing a counselor because I'm skeptical about the entire industry after having worked in it and seeing the "behind the scenes." 

I wanted to be dead. I didn't long for happiness, just oblivion. I considered moving to my home state. Thought about moving back to where I had just come from. I was too paralyzed to even do that. I wished for a dreadful accident to take my life. 

At the time, I was earning about $40k a year on salary and had money in the bank (I ended up going through a couple hundred thousand dollars during all of this.) I worked in real estate, and one of the things I'd learned on the job was to "look for your big why." 

I was not able to identify a single "why" that could help me feel motivated to do or achieve anything. I couldn't believe that I had changed SO much. Where I'd been driven and aggressive before, I now had no desire to even leave my house. 

It got so bad that I did go see a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants. It helped a little bit in the sense that I felt less sadness, but my state of mind didn't change. I still couldn't find any motivation. I started questioning what had motivated me in the past. Why had I worked so hard? (Because I liked earning a lot of money.) Why did I like earning a lot of money? (Because it gave me more freedom to buy things, go places, etc.) Why did I want to buy things and go places? (Because I liked doing things like that with my family.) Why did I like doing things with my family? (Because that was when I felt most loved.) 

I went through this process on many things that had once motivated me, and came to realize "love" was the single answer that came up in every single chain of "Why" questions. I felt heartbroken at that realization. My children all lived in different states. My friends did, too. I didn't have a single person in my area because I'd recently relocated. I broke down and talked to my children about this realization. (They were all grown, by the way.)

They responded by making it a point to call and visit me a bit more, and I felt obligated to hang in there and show them I appreciated their efforts. I don't know when it happened, but I found myself opening up more, and I started to smile more. I started to date again, and ended up meeting my husband about six months after I'd hit those realizations. My life today is everything I could have ever wanted and more than it ever was before, but it wouldn't be if I'd gone back to my cut and run mentality. 

You can get through this. Ask yourself to reflect on the times when you've felt good about your life. What was different? Why did you feel good? Ask yourself "What was that important" about each answer until you exhaust your answers, and I'll bet you'll discover that "love" or "God" is at the bottom of every one. If you do, cutting and running now will buy you some time to repeat the same mistakes that keep getting you to this overwhelming point, but it will be shutting that love out of your life and keep you from finding the true joy in life that's yours if you'll have it.

P.S. I recently discovered that I have some auto-immune problems that had been contributing to chronic pain, as well as some vitamin and hormonal deficiencies that developed from menopause. Physical conditions might contribute to some of what you're feeling, too.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Yes sounds like depression. I have two children and there are times when I feel like running away from them, feel like I tolerate them more then enjoy them. When that happens I know it is time for some time away from the kids. It is hard to appreciate what you have when you are always with it.
I would get to a Doctor as soon as you can and start thinking about where you can cut out some of your responsibilities so that you are not so over whelmed. It is ok to say NO to this or that because you need a breather.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Kag,

I think you would be surprised how many people feel this way. Have you considered getting a physical exam? After the exam you could share your feelings with you family doctor and see if they can help


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I agree with some of what others have said and also want to point out something else:

You have self-awareness. You know your own patterns. You've said you've felt these things and reacted in these ways before. IMO, that's a good sign. If you know yourself, you can learn to love yourself and make healthy changes.

But you also sound pretty hard on yourself--I can relate to that. I'd recommend some individual counseling to help you work through the feelings that are overwhelming you so you can manage them. 

Good that you posted here.


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## Achieve Brilliance (Oct 14, 2011)

I agree with everyone else. You most likely have depression, and have had for years. It's good that you are able to see these patterns that you have because it may be a good time to get some help with it before you throw away your life. You might just end up much less happy this time around if you do throw it all away, so do something about it, and don't make decisions when you are in this state.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

The positive thing is that you know yourself and are extremely self aware. That is a great first step. I haven't read any other posts but I can imagine that most say you are depressed, need therapy, perhaps you are bi-polar. 

It sounds like you are overwhelmed to the maximum. Your sadness, exhaustion, and fear came through loud and clear in your original post. When we were little girls we had such great expectations about when we grew up. We would have a great husband, a lovely house, and wonderful children. Then we grew up, got those things and they didn't make us happy, they made us want to run away. It's too much. Where is the time for you? 

Open the front of your shirt and look down (I am not being perverted, just humor me). Okay, as you look at your chest, do you see a very large letter S on your chest? No? That means you are not SUPER WOMAN. 

Since this has happened to you in the past, we see a bit of a pattern here. It might be beneficial for you to see a doctor to rule out any personality disorders like bi-polar, borderline personality, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, etc. Perhaps the only thing you need is to get on some medication to correct what is happening in your brain.

Being on meds is not a sign of weakness and could do wonders for you and your quality of life. Reading your post made me think of that poster of the kitten who is hanging on to some yarn by one teenie tiny claw. The caption says: HANG IN THERE. 

Just get checked out by a doctor so you can rule things out and keep in mind that there is only ONE of you. You need to take care of yourself at this time. You will not be neglecting your employees, your family, nor you marriage if you concentrate on getting yourself well.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I can relate: 

Depression: I lost both of my parents. I went bankrupt. Lived in a tiny hovel with wife and 5 kids. I developed OSA (apnea), and stopped sleeping well. Apparently for quite a number of years. 

Worked at a job that bored me and was so intellectually dull and tedious I used to get into the car or truck to drive to work and cry most of the way there and then pull myself together and dry my eyes so nobody knew. 

Yes, I know the feeling you want a "reset". 

But there isn't a reset. Just running away adds to the very reasons you feel this way, charging up the "guilt and failure" credit card some more so that next time comes even faster. 

YOU NEED HELP. Your husband needs to know the crisis you are in, you need some counseling and you need to find any medical causes you likely have. And, you need some help dealing with all the other things you never dealt with before, and are now driving you to try to escape. 

Counseling, family, and some really good, solid old fashioned taking stock of where you are and what burdens you carry will help. I implore you to start seeking help. I am lucky, I recognized patterns and work on them. But don't count on luck. It took me years to learn to recognize all the burdens I carried (and many I still do and am trying to shed) and never even realized, that were driving me into serious depression. 

Yes, life CAN be good. And it can be good right where you are.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I have been unhappy for a very long time. I have rugswept for years. My motto has always been to never give up keep plugging away at it and in time things will improve. I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I al ready to bag this life and move on. I want to quit my job, my marriage and my kids and run away.


This doesn't work because it doesn't fix the underlying problem. Eventually you'll be stuck in another rut with the same problems and you'll need to run away again. If you figure this out now, you won't need to run away.




> I have a history of doing just that. My life has never been this complicated, but I have notoriously taken on more than I can handle in the past, and then snapped. I have suddenly broken off long term relationships and friendships, quit jobs, one time I walked away from college for 18 months, and just layed low until I felt like I could get myself back to a better mental state...then I have picked myself up and got back into society again.


I was sort of like that. I'm 99% convinced that it was caused by a lack of sleep. After resting up and sleeping 12 hours per day for a week, I would feel ready to jump back into society. By that time, I had already lost my job and burned a lot of bridges. I overcame this problem by getting some medication to make me sleep at night then more medication to make me fully awake in the morning. All of these medications are classified as antidepressants, so it's not like there's only 1 kind. Wiki has an entire page devoted to the different categories of them.




> I'd say please make an appointment with your general practitioner to try an anti-depressant


Make sure you do your homework before you talk to a doctor. Most doctors I've dealt with are profoundly retarded and have _less_ than a high school understanding of biology. They can't differentiate between dopamine, serotonin, and their own ass. 
Read this entire wiki page before you talk to a doctor:
List of antidepressants - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You should have a very good idea of what you want before you walk in the door. You should know the general category of the drug you are looking for and maybe have a specific drug in mind. Also, don't let a doctor trick you into trying the latest and greatest simply because they're new. Some of the most effective antidepressants are 30+ years old and have generic versions available. Drug companies are scraping the bottom of the barrel to find new ones and trash talk the old ones because the old ones are off-patent but newer ones are still under patent and cost 5-10x as much.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Kag, I wanna scream "**** this s*it" and run at least once a day, and I really truly mean it at least once a week. Especially lately. You need someone to talk this through with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Drover, am I missing something here or are you serious by your comment?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Kag, I'm really sad to read this. I agree with others, you sound depressed and exhausted. I've felt like you too, completely trapped and helpless, because there's really no opting out of parenthood, even if you do leave.

A 2 and 3 year old, plus a full-time job is too much. I don't think it's possible to enjoy any part of your life like that. Can anything be changed? You need time and space to work out how to find joy in your life again. Something to look forward to, at least. 

I don't know what is available where you are, but where I live, you can get up to 12 psychologist sessions paid for by the government if a GP refers you. Please at least go to a doctor and tell him/her how hopeless you feel, and that you think your family would be better off without you. That sets off huge alarm bells.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

kag123 said:


> This is hard for me to write about and I have gone back and forth about putting it out there in public, but I have not spoken to anyone IRL about it and I guess I am hoping that someones feedback will help me to make sense of this.
> 
> I feel like giving up on my life. I feel like a failure in all aspects - my marraige is less than stellar, I feel like a bad mother...my kids get on my nerves more than I enjoy being with them (ages 2 & 3) and they deserve to have a mother who cherishes them. I am screwing up all the time at work, feeling like I am failing my employees by not giving them a good example to follow. I am just ready to crawl in a hole somewhere.
> 
> ...


First things first I would say, relax. Breathe and smile. Smiling acctually fools your brain into believing you are happy. Seriously. It works.

You don't sound weird, just stressed and in need of allowing yourself to be loved. 

I've been to hell in back, hated everyone and myself. I suffered for many years with depression and thoughts of suicide, (was suicidal at age eight) and what I've learned is to let people love you, accept your husbands love, feel it, feel like you deserve it because you do, you childrens too. All parents feel like they are going crazy at some point especially when they are that young and that close in age. 

Don't give up, just look for the little things in life that make you smile. That's what lifes about. Value yourself, do not feel like a failure, even if you could do things better here and there life is a journey and a lesson, you're learning to be a mom and a wife with your kids and your husband. Don't strive for perfection, you are you. You don't need anything else. 

Don't look for the light at the end of the tunnel, just focus on the journey of life and take each day slowely. 

I wish you the best.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So, there is a detail that I left out. I have a phobia of the doctor. I don't like to tell anyone about it (because its embarrassing to be a grown woman afraid of the doctor), but my H knows. It makes it pretty much impossible for me to seek normal healthcare or take care of myself. My H is fed up with me because of it. He says suck it up and just go. Rationally, I know he's right, but I can't get myself there. Another thing I hate myself for.

Mental illness runs in my family, both sides. Almost every single one of my close relatives is on some type of Meds. And you'd think this would make me more likely to seek help, but instead I feel shameful about it. I am just another "crazy" on the family tree now. I feel like no healthy sane person (such as H) should have to deal with someone who has mental illness, and it makes me want to run further from him to save him from me.

Despite all of what I spilled in the first post, I think most people in my life have no idea that I feel that way or often dream of running away/jumping off a bridge. I am often hailed for being level headed, responsible, and having my sh!t together. I hide it well. No one (except H) has ever seen me display emotion...never yelled or cried in front of anyone. People take it for granted though and begin to treat you as if you were a robot with no feelings at all after awhile. You become the person who helps everyone else through their bad day and the shoulder for everyone else to cry on, and lose the ability to express your own feelings and needs.

The only person I have ever tried to express my true thoughts, feelings and vulnerability to is H, and he quickly shuts down like a vault when I go there. He is incapable of listening and the whole thing makes him uncomfortable which makes me uncomfortable and I have learned not to go there with him anymore. He views me much the way everyone else does as a creature void of emotion. On the rare occasions I crack and lose it, he freaks out and says "I can't deal with you when you are like this. I don't know what to say to you." And that's it. I usually give myself some alone time to cry it out (like I might offer to do an errand and go park somewhere and cry.for 20-30 minutes, then come home and act like nothing happened). He knows when I am upset or something is on my mind, but doesn't ask about it and any details I try to volunteer he shuts me down quickly.

I feel that its unfair for me to expect him to deal with my emotional needs when he clearly can't or wont, and also unfair to him and my kids to be around someone who cannot keep herself together. I am at the point where a 20-30 min cry does nothing. I have gone numb and feel nothing, and want to get away from them until I figure it out so they don't suffer alongside me.

H has a lot of good things going on in his life right now, that I should be happy for him about. He's volunteering in some big professional organizations, going through some professional development, making new friends, etc. He comes home joyful and relaxed, and his happiness is too much for me to handle. I want to be away from him so I don't ruin his good mood, because I can't share his enthusiasm and it hurts to see him at such a polar opposite when I feel pain in my own life. We could not be more disconnected. Still, the right thing to do is be happy for him, and I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to do that right now. It is another strong reason why I want to be away from him. I try to just not be home to avoid him during those days so I don't bring him down.

Trying to research an anti depressant is too much for me right now. I don't even have the desire to go to a doctor for this, because that involves some love for yourself and right now I don't think I deserve to get better. I have thought about cutting myself and going to the ER to be put on suicide watch because I heard they wont let you leave if you are suicidal, but no idea if that is true. (I have gotten myself to the waiting room of a DR office and my phobia is so strong that I leave before I get called back.) Also worried that a ER visit would someone affect my job or my kids. I don't know.

Oh and I have tried bringing my H with me to the doctor as a support person, it makes me feel worse than if I try to go alone. I feel like he berates me the whole "just stop freaking out", "just think of something else". Clearly if I had the ability to "just stop" feeling the way I do, I would do it. It ends up making me feel more judged and self conscious so I stopped taking him there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

We can't help you if you won't help yourself. Tell your H to take you and make you go. 

There's nothing more we can do here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Ok so don't go to a doctor. Go to a counselor/hypnotherapist. Get hypnotherapy from them to work in doctor phobia. I know two people who were very afraid of doctor's and dentists who did this with much success. If you go to someone who is also a counselor they can charge it to your insurance. Plus then they can help you with your depression. 
I have it too and I manage it. The difference is I know that it's a disease and it's not my fault. 
You are beating yourself up.
Why are you ok at the ER and mental hospital but not the dr's office? Yes they might help you but it would be cheaper to go to a therapist/doctor. You might even get a therapist to go with you or one who has a psychiatrist colleague in her/his practice who is just down the hall.
Good luck to you, don't give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you also have anxiety co-mingled with depression. Doctors make you very anxious.

Have you called a suicide hotline yet?

Yes, your husband has no clue how you feel - the black hole is the worst - been there & only people that have experienced it can really understand.

You must have a family member or trusted friend that can take you to a doctor or you can go to the ER & voluntary commit yourself if you are in danger of hurting yourself.

Please seek help ASAP - it is out there.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you tell a police officer you want to hurt yourself, they'll take you to the hospital. You will be forced to go and get evaluated.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your bridge jumping thoughts are suicide ideation. You think about suicide but don't yet have a "plan." Be warned, once you have a "plan", you may act on it...quietly, so no one stops you.

It is not shameful to have an ILLNESS. It is most likely biologically based & IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is not about your "busy life." People manage to do much more than you do w/o depression. Depression & anxiety make EVERYTHING seem like such a burden.

Tough love time:

My Mother committed suicide. She had major depression. She left behind 6 CHILDREN & a loving husband.

We are all DAMAGED in some way because of her suicide.

Please seek help for your children & your husband, if not for yourself.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Start by calling a helpline. Please. Where are you? Someone here can find the right one for you.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

kag123 said:


> So, there is a detail that I left out. I have a phobia of the doctor. I don't like to tell anyone about it (because its embarrassing to be a grown woman afraid of the doctor), but my H knows. It makes it pretty much impossible for me to seek normal healthcare or take care of myself. My H is fed up with me because of it. He says suck it up and just go. Rationally, I know he's right, but I can't get myself there. Another thing I hate myself for.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry that in this instance your H is an idiot. Perhaps I'm lucky in that I understand that phobias are as real as anything. 

You need to find someone who grasps this reality - preferably someone you already know and trust, to come over, and take you, and be at your side. It SHOULD be your husband. But if he doesn't understand this isn't a matter of "sucking it up", then he isn't going to be able to help you much. "Sucking it up is" going to the dentist when you know it's going to hurt, because it actually freaking does hurt, but you do it anyway, because it has to be done. This is not a "suck it up" issue, it's an irrational fear, not a real understanding. And you need someone who can grasp that and be RIGHT AT YOUR SIDE, with absolute certainty to you that they're not going to leave you. It might be irrational, but the FEAR IS REAL, just the cause is not. 

No matter, the point being that you have a fear of the things that can help you, and you need someone to lean on and cling to, so you can start to deal with it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Well, life has a funny way of throwing curve balls.

Late last night, my father in law had a stroke. (Not sure how bad yet, he is conscious but still having symptoms ) My focus has shifted 180 from myself and my own problems to supporting H and trying to be supportive of him while he takes care of his dad. He is visibly shaken and scared even though he refuses to talk to me about it. 

I would never speak a word of my own problems during this time. There are much bigger things going on now. I am hoping to absorb myself in filling the needs of my H and MIL now to forget about this stuff. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

And then when this fresh development fades, you will come crashing down harder, you really need to address your problems sooner rather than later, if you won't see a doc for anti-depressants as least visit your local natural health supplier for something to settle your emotions


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Well, life has a funny way of throwing curve balls.
> 
> Late last night, my father in law had a stroke. (Not sure how bad yet, he is conscious but still having symptoms ) My focus has shifted 180 from myself and my own problems to supporting H and trying to be supportive of him while he takes care of his dad. He is visibly shaken and scared even though he refuses to talk to me about it.
> 
> ...


I have a suggestion that I hope you will consider. Because you're so afraid of doctors, and you really need something right now, why not visit a health and nutrition store and consider getting some St. John's Wort? Many people find it helpful for depression. 

Please understand that I'm not a doctor. I don't even know if there are potential dangers from using St. John's Wort. I just know of two people who absolutely swear by it. One of them is my ex-husband, and it's my daughters who have told me what a difference it has made for him. 

So if you're willing to read up on it a bit and think it might help, it could maybe help you get through a tough time without having to force you into something you're not ready to cope with.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Well, life has a funny way of throwing curve balls.
> 
> Late last night, my father in law had a stroke. (Not sure how bad yet, he is conscious but still having symptoms ) My focus has shifted 180 from myself and my own problems to supporting H and trying to be supportive of him while he takes care of his dad. He is visibly shaken and scared even though he refuses to talk to me about it.
> 
> ...


OK, this is in someway positive news. You get some extra time until this crisis with your father in law is over .

Use this time to make some preparations for when you will be dealing with your own situation again later on:

Since you are not capable to see a doctor, I can think of a couple of alternatives 

1. Seek an online helper, in some professional form. For the moment it does not mather much which one, it could be a marriage counseler like you can get on this website, just find out who or what this could be, make a short list of the ones you will try later on to talk with.

2. Seek a real life person to talk to, and to get on a trust level with. Maybe a religious person who has a privacy guarantee for you, maybe some wise person in your community. 
First try to get a personal connection with someone. To keep your anxiety in control, do plan only a simple safe topic of conversation.

3. Seek a way to learn your husband to communicate. Get a book on this issue. The simplest is already very usefull. Just to get going. Then prepare for the first (part of a) chapter some questions to discuss. Three or four questions to answer for you both separately in writing a couple of sentences. Later on, when this actual crisis is dealt with, you make an appointment with your husband to go somewhere else and take time to read the pages, answer the questions, and compare each others answers. No discussion needed.

To get this started, just simplify more and more until you are at a level that gets his cooperation. 

So for the moment you do not need to execute, but only to prepare for when you think it is your turn to get some attention. Just take some action, however small, in this direction.

Please!


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