# What is "Normal/Average" for a husband?



## SLRLeann

I have another very long post on here in regards to my situation but have a general question. I realize that all relationships/marriages are different. People play different roles, what is ok with one may not be ok with another. I think what’s important is that as long as it works for both parties then it’s good.

For families where BOTH spouses work full time outside of the home: I’m curious as to what typical evenings are like for most marriages. What does the husband do? My husband will see a couple on tv get into an argument and point it out to me and say “see! Everyone fights”. I agree. I do. But they don’t speak hateful to each other when they fight and it’s usually over something to do with kids, money etc. I don’t see these tv families fighting about how they are treating each other. And I see these tv dads up. Walking around. Doing things. Dunno what just doing things. 

Anyhow, even when my husband isn’t being “icky” or “grouchy” I have this big issue with us coming home from work and him sitting on the couch or his recliner all eve while I tend to everything. Clean the catbox, cook dinner, do a load of laundry, let animals out. Once in awhile, like maybe once every other week, he’ll see me maybe folding laundry and say “you want me to help?” and of course it’s when I’m done with everything else in the house and my last task is to sit and fold laundry so I usually decline saying “I guess not, I’m almost done now”. And of course anytime I mention him not helping he’ll bring up that one situation “hey, I offered to help the other day and you didn’t want me to”

The other day I went to my son’s friends house to pick him up. The mom had left to go to the store. The dad was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher! It definitely caught my eye and I’m still dwelling on it. 
So, I’m curious as to if I may have high expectations of a husbands role not just in cleaning but what he actually does every evening. I want to know how most other couples live.


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## Acorn

I think this is a gender neutral question...and I also think what is normal for your household will not be considered normal in mine, and vice versa.

It sounds like you'd like to initiate a change in your husband and ask him to contribute more to housework at night. If it were me, I'd respond pretty well if you were a little more assertive with your needs, and made my efforts feel appreciated if I helped.

For example:

"Hey, you want me to help?"
"Yes! So much work to do tonight! I'm almost done with the folding, but could you please load the dishwasher? That'd be such a big help."

And after I load the dishwasher, make me feel like you really appreciated my efforts. And whatever you do, don't complain about HOW I loaded the dishes or critique my technique... as long as I got the job done reasonably well, it shouldn't matter how I do it.

I'd be more likely to do it again later, now that I understood how much it meant to you.


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## SLRLeann

I don't know that it's the housework so much as just sitting all night 7 days a week in general. aka couch potato? lol


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## Acorn

You could try telling him that you are truly bothered by his sitting down every night and being a couch potato. You could also ask him to work on that. 

He might be more receptive on working on this for you if you also allowed him to point out constructively one annoying habit he thinks you have, and working on that with the same effort as you'd hope he'd work on the couch potato thing. Maybe you can grow together.

What is it exactly you want him to do at night? And have you tried taking the initiative yourself? e.g. Maybe you could find a cooking class or something and ask if he wants to go.


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## SLRLeann

I have mentioned it to him and he just asks why it bothers me so much. I try not to push it. (you'd have to read my other book I posted under "stuck in marriage ambivalence". I try not to rock the boat too much.

I'll hang out in my sons room son watching him play his video game. We may go outside and drive his car (it's some $400 traxxis remote car) or play with my dog. Of course then there's all the chores too. I guess I don't feel he's really part of us. Or contributing to the family. He'll ask me or our son to grab things or turn the air up/down etc. On the weekend he'll get up around noonish then he's on the couch again all day long. I have no idea why it bothers me. But it does. I don't like bringing it up to him alot cause he'll get mad. (again refer to my previous book lol)


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## Acorn

I hadn't read your other post before... it is a sad story. I am getting over co-dependent issues myself so I can really feel for you.

YOU have the right to tell hubby that something is bothering you. He doesn't necessarily have to change his behavior, but YOU will be able to determine how much he cares for you based on his actions.

YOU have the right to be happy with your life.

YOU have more power than you think you do.

YOU have the right to live without worrying about making him mad all the time, or walking on eggshells.

YOU have the right to rock the boat in your marriage if that is what it takes to get your needs met. YOU have the right to leave the marriage if rocking the boat is the only way to get noticed and you get tired of that dynamic.

Be assertive, tell him what you need, and let him step up to the plate and meet some of your needs for a change. Or, decide why you want to stay with someone who won't meet your needs even if you communicate them many times.


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## kirby81

My husband and I have a pretty standard rule at our house: I do the housework and he does the yardwork. Of course occasionally I will still trim the hedges, and he will occasionally load the dishwasher, but generally speaking our roles are defined. We don't expect the other to do our jobs. Both of us work full time outside the home ... so when we are home together, the only responsibility (workload) we share is dealing with our toddler. Which is quite the job all on its own =) Maybe you could just work out something similar in your own home where you split up tasks equally?


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## SLRLeann

so he watches tv all evening while you do chores?

My main question here isn't chores or responsibilities but rather how many men spend their evenings sitting the entire evening. And if he does do both of you sit all evening?


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## unbelievable

I know it looks like laziness to the casual observer. In reality, you're witnessing a display of selfless devotion. His natural inclination is to spring from the recliner and to help with the housework. In truth, he'd probably prefer to do it all while you relax. He knows, however, if he does, you will gradually lose respect for him as a man and he'll lose you to the next Hell's Angel that rides through town. The pain he suffers watching you do chores is tremendous but it's nothing compared to the agony he'd surely feel if he lost you. He suffers greatly for you. I think you should get him a cold beer.


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## DayDream

Well, one of the problems is that you guys actually believe what you see on TV. LOL If you are comparing your life to television...I think both of you are in need of this: "TV is not real." Yeah, if only we get in these cute little arguments that are all solved by the end of the day, and the husband and wife make up and tell eachother how much they love one-another and everything just comes together in the end. Life is a little more complicated than that. 

The not lifting a finger to help thing...I'm there. I've been doing it for fourteen years and I tell you, it doesn't get any easier. One thing I've learned is to simply ask him to do something. "If I cook will you wash the dishes?" or, "Will you help me fold some laundry?" They don't sit there and let you do everything because they are heartless...I really think they just don't think about it. They don't want to do it so they don't do it. If you never say anything, all the better. Then he feels a twinge of guilt and asks, "Hey, you want me to help with that?" and what do you say? NO??? I tell you what, nip it in the bud and as soon as you plop that basket on the floor, look at him and tell him, "Alright, I'm ready for you to help me." Then make sure you slow down your folding so that he ends up doing most of it. I think if us women were a little more proactive in our expectations of an equal share of the housework we might actually get some help. You think? Well...I've noticed that when I do ask my husband to do something, he does do it. And when he complains about having no pants, after I've worked 40 or more hours and cleaned the house? I say, "Are your arms broken? If you need pants go throw some in the wash!" 

Yeah...you get a little tired of it after the first ten years I guess. LOL


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## Syrum

You both work full time outside the home and he thinks it's fine for him to sit around all the time?

It doesn't sound like he values or cares for you, because if he did he would care about fairness.

Tell him what you need from him. Also he needs to figure out why he is in such a bad mood all the time.


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## unbelievable

stillme4you is 100% on target. Guys are wired different. That's all. Woman can think about 50 things at once and it makes perfect sense to them. I've heard their minds described as a ball of yarn, each strand easily overlapping. Guy minds are divided by little walls. Before he can enter "doing the dishes" room, he has to leave "work" room, or "TV" room. Each gender evolved into different roles because we have different natural gifts. Women needed to manage several things at once because they were the primary kid supervisors. Men had to develop the ability to intently focus on one thing because they were primarily hunters. Guys compartmentalize to a degree that women don't. If you want him to do chores, get his attention and ask him to do a specific task or maybe two. Once they are done, you can give him another. Better yet, write out a list of chores you would like him to do. When he asks if you need help and you say "no", he's not a woman. He hears "no" and believes it. He turns the light off in that room and forgets it. Oh, another thing. If you want him to help more, reward the effort he does make. Avoid criticizing if he doesn't fold the laundry exactly the way you do. Really want him to turn into a house-cleaning machine? Two things are huge with almost every guy, their egos and their libidos. If he thinks mopping the floor will get him praise or sex, he will be a floor mopping fool. If wives would give their husbands a kiss and a "thank you" once in a while, they'd get a lot more help around the house.


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## TeaLeaves4

I guess I don't understand why he has to be rewarded for "helping" her. Why does this man need to be admired and thanked for just doing what needs to be done? 

They both work full-time. They both reside in the house. They both need to eat dinner.

Shouldn't half of the responsibilities be his by default? Or they are hers by default because she's female, and he gets a choice whether or not to participate?


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## Acorn

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I guess I don't understand why he has to be rewarded for "helping" her. Why does this man need to be admired and thanked for just doing what needs to be done?
> 
> They both work full-time. They both reside in the house. They both need to eat dinner.
> 
> Shouldn't half of the responsibilities be his by default? Or they are hers by default because she's female, and he gets a choice whether or not to participate?


In this case, OP has not really assertively communicated her needs to him for fear of rocking the boat, so he believes the status quo is satisfactory. I think everyone here would agree that he is not behaving in a fair or loving manner.

The advice given has nothing to do with fairness but instead just giving perspective on how to best attempt to change the status quo.

IMO the advice seems consistent - if you read threads by high drive folks on increasing sexual frequency in a marriage, the advice given will not be to argue to the low drive partner how unfair it is or question her right to "choose not to participate", but rather, to warm the partner up a bit and make the extra effort if you want to affect change.


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## Nande

lol.I wish my Partner was a little more of a couch potato.
The moment he comes home it is one project after another. Sure the house looks great...and there is a lot to do.......but man, comes 10 o'clock I am readdy to put down the tools and watch some TV.


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## karole

Acorn said:


> I think this is a gender neutral question...and I also think what is normal for your household will not be considered normal in mine, and vice versa.
> 
> It sounds like you'd like to initiate a change in your husband and ask him to contribute more to housework at night. If it were me, I'd respond pretty well if you were a little more assertive with your needs, and made my efforts feel appreciated if I helped.
> 
> For example:
> 
> "Hey, you want me to help?"
> "Yes! So much work to do tonight! I'm almost done with the folding, but could you please load the dishwasher? That'd be such a big help."
> 
> And after I load the dishwasher, make me feel like you really appreciated my efforts. And whatever you do, don't complain about HOW I loaded the dishes or critique my technique... as long as I got the job done reasonably well, it shouldn't matter how I do it.
> 
> I'd be more likely to do it again later, now that I understood how much it meant to you.


I'm not trying to be snide in this but would you please explain to me why we [wives] should be expected to congratulate and praise our husband's efforts for tasks that wives do every single day without any acknowledgement or thanks. I do not understand that. My husband expects the same thing. If he should take out the garbage he says, "hey, I took out the garbage," waiting for me to acknowledge that he did in fact take out the garbage while dropping to my knees and kissing his feet for doing so. I finally told him that when he starts thanking me for the million things that I have to do I would be happy to recipocate.


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## Acorn

karole said:


> I'm not trying to be snide in this but would you please explain to me why we [wives] should be expected to congratulate and praise our husband's efforts for tasks that wives do every single day without any acknowledgement or thanks. I do not understand that. My husband expects the same thing. If he should take out the garbage he says, "hey, I took out the garbage," waiting for me to acknowledge that he did in fact take out the garbage while dropping to my knees and kissing his feet for doing so. I finally told him that when he starts thanking me for the million things that I have to do I would be happy to recipocate.


I never said you were expected to do anything. That would be a selfish demand on my part.

I said that if the OP - who has given away a lot of her power in the marriage and prefers not to rock the boat - wants to affect change in her husband, she should communicate to him what changes she wants in him, and praise him if he changes. 

Why does this seem like such crazy advice?


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## SLRLeann

I actually have to agree. I've read and heard ALOT about how men have different needs than we do. They have a big need for acknowledgment and appreciation much more than we do. (kind of like we need the foreplay and they don't in the bedroom). 

I feel the same way though as far as thinking it's crazy to pat him on the back for doing 1/20th of what i do in the house. Let him load the dishwasher and I'll hear him boast about it for months to come lol. I think I'm going to go with the suggestions of just asking him more rather than expecting. And again, this isn't just chores. I was talking about just getting up more and being more involved in US and the HOME. 

I don't like functioning and living around him instead of with him.


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## Sex

To be honest, your husband sounds trapped and miserable. Why else would he be escaping the moment he gets home?

You have come here and painted quite a Cinderella story for yourself haven't you?

Why don't you be honest and lay it all out on the table.

What are you not doing for him? Do you have massive credit card debt that he pays off? I know you both work full-time but does he make much more money and take on the majority of the financial burden?

Your story does not add up.


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## Halien

I've been puposely backing away from most categories here, but I noticed your thread as the top thread, and couldn't resist. Let's be honest, many of us guys grow up in a home where the mother takes care of almost everything when it comes to cooking and cleaning. Its a social thing, and yes, it is wrong.

Then, you have a theory that tends to run here that helping around the house makes you a nice guy, and your wife will begin to pine for another. Sad. Its not what you do in your actions as a man that matters in this respect, its who you are. There are some guys here who, in my opinion, have it figured out. A man does his part because its the right thing to do, and doesn't do it to please her as his primary goal. This is the distinction.

When I married, I realized that my wife was blessed with some sort of higher talent that allows her to fold clothes at a rate that really puzzles me. And when she does laundry, she doesn't even know that the label on the washer says that it can hold 6.7 cu. ft. of clothes. In fact, she knows that if this 6.7 cu ft is all blue jeans, your washing machine will become your neighbors once it stops doing the crazy 1970s retro dance across the floor and through the driveway, and into their yard.

I figured out, though, that I understood the geometric concept of packing items into a dishwasher more efficiently than her. And cleaning floors? I didn't get 18 inch biceps for sitting on a couch. I can peel the top layer off the hardwood floor with a mop. And I'm not picky about who I dance with, so why not the Dyson vacuum cleaner?

All this to say that sharing the load is just the right thing to do, and your husband should be able to figure out what he can do just as efficiently as you (with practice), and just do it because its the right thing to do. Tell him that you have a choice: cut back your work hours, or share the chores with him. Either way, once you're home, the remaining chores are 50/50.


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## TeaLeaves4

Acorn said:


> In this case, OP has not really assertively communicated her needs to him for fear of rocking the boat, so he believes the status quo is satisfactory. I think everyone here would agree that he is not behaving in a fair or loving manner.
> 
> The advice given has nothing to do with fairness but instead just giving perspective on how to best attempt to change the status quo.
> 
> IMO the advice seems consistent - if you read threads by high drive folks on increasing sexual frequency in a marriage, the advice given will not be to argue to the low drive partner how unfair it is or question her right to "choose not to participate", but rather, to warm the partner up a bit and make the extra effort if you want to affect change.



Ok, fair enough. I get it now.


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## TeaLeaves4

Sex said:


> To be honest, your husband sounds trapped and miserable. Why else would he be escaping the moment he gets home?
> 
> You have come here and painted quite a Cinderella story for yourself haven't you?
> 
> Why don't you be honest and lay it all out on the table.
> 
> What are you not doing for him? Do you have massive credit card debt that he pays off? I know you both work full-time but does he make much more money and take on the majority of the financial burden?
> 
> Your story does not add up.


wow :scratchhead:


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## unbelievable

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I guess I don't understand why he has to be rewarded for "helping" her. Why does this man need to be admired and thanked for just doing what needs to be done?
> 
> They both work full-time. They both reside in the house. They both need to eat dinner.
> 
> Shouldn't half of the responsibilities be his by default? Or they are hers by default because she's female, and he gets a choice whether or not to participate?


Tealeaves,

This aint about fairness. This is about getting behavior that she wants from him. If I want a horse to do what I want, it's easier if I know how horses think. If I can get the horse to want to walk into a trailer that makes life easier for both of us. This guy loves to hear praise from his wife. I know this cause he's a guy. If he makes some effort and gets a little praise cookie from her, he'll start looking for opportunities to earn more praise cookies. Since it's human nature to justify our actions to ourselves, if he keeps this behavior up long enough, he'll convince himself cleaning house was his idea and helping around the house will become his habit. No nagging, no drama, everybody's happy.


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## southbound

SLRLeann said:


> I have another very long post on here in regards to my situation but have a general question. I realize that all relationships/marriages are different. People play different roles, what is ok with one may not be ok with another. I think what’s important is that as long as it works for both parties then it’s good.
> 
> For families where BOTH spouses work full time outside of the home: I’m curious as to what typical evenings are like for most marriages. What does the husband do? My husband will see a couple on tv get into an argument and point it out to me and say “see! Everyone fights”. I agree. I do. But they don’t speak hateful to each other when they fight and it’s usually over something to do with kids, money etc. I don’t see these tv families fighting about how they are treating each other. And I see these tv dads up. Walking around. Doing things. Dunno what just doing things.
> 
> Anyhow, even when my husband isn’t being “icky” or “grouchy” I have this big issue with us coming home from work and him sitting on the couch or his recliner all eve while I tend to everything. Clean the catbox, cook dinner, do a load of laundry, let animals out. Once in awhile, like maybe once every other week, he’ll see me maybe folding laundry and say “you want me to help?” and of course it’s when I’m done with everything else in the house and my last task is to sit and fold laundry so I usually decline saying “I guess not, I’m almost done now”. And of course anytime I mention him not helping he’ll bring up that one situation “hey, I offered to help the other day and you didn’t want me to”
> 
> The other day I went to my son’s friends house to pick him up. The mom had left to go to the store. The dad was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher! It definitely caught my eye and I’m still dwelling on it.
> So, I’m curious as to if I may have high expectations of a husbands role not just in cleaning but what he actually does every evening. I want to know how most other couples live.



It seems that I was exactly what you wanted, yet I am still divorced.:scratchhead:

I would say the cooking was 50/50. I always got home before my wife, and many times she would enter to the smell of supper cooking. I was in complete control of the laundry. I just got into that routine when we got married 18 years ago. I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, helped clean house, etc.

As for arguing, we rarely argued; however, some feel that is not necessarily a good thing, because it shows lack of communication and keeping feeling bottled up.

With all the help and calmness I gave; however, it apparently didn't do much for my x wife. She divorced me because she wasn't "happy" anymore.


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## heartsbeating

In our house-hold, we share in the cooking and cleaning of the kitchen. Some nights I'll cook and clean, take care of the dishes. Sometimes I'll ask him for help. Sometimes he'll just come and help me. And vice verse. He's an amazing cook! We both take out the trash. I do the laundry, vacuuming, mopping, tidying etc. He cleans the bathroom and does grocery shopping (sometimes we go together though). This has worked well for us. That's not to say we don't have other issues.

Ask him to help you.


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## SLRLeann

Sex said:


> To be honest, your husband sounds trapped and miserable. Why else would he be escaping the moment he gets home?
> 
> You have come here and painted quite a Cinderella story for yourself haven't you?
> 
> Why don't you be honest and lay it all out on the table.
> 
> What are you not doing for him? Do you have massive credit card debt that he pays off? I know you both work full-time but does he make much more money and take on the majority of the financial burden?
> 
> Your story does not add up.


Dang! Sounds as if someone has some unresolved issues of their own :lol:

Not that you deserve a response but... We actually have no credit cards. We have the normal house payment, cars utilities etc. We both work. Yep he makes a little more than I. About 1k a month more. We're not wealthy but comfortable. If he made 10k a month more than I, what does that have to do with how he interracts with his family? Would a mans paycheck being fatter be an excuse to not participate with the family? Really?:scratchhead:

If he were to be working outside in the heat laboring his butt off as opposed to my air conditioned office job, I'd expect him to come home and sit. But he doesn't. So I don't care how much money he makes, that's not a ticket to be lazy and disengaged with his family 

Your absolutely correct about something. It DOESN'T add up. Not at all. We both work and he comes home and plops it on the couch while I not only do all chores inside and outside of the home but hold the rest of the family together (kid, animals etc). 

And what am I doing for him you ask? Feel free to read my other long post about our abusive relationship we use to have. How I would bring him his food, take his shoes off for him while he cursed me out for the house not being clean and such. A life I'm still trying to overcome. And since he's on the couch when he's not working, I would assume that he's not washing his own clothes or dishes, he doesn't clean his home or wash the crap out of his own toilet. Someone is mowing OUR yard and taking our garbage out. Someone is playing games and showing interest in his childs life. 

This forum wasn't invented to come in and flame people or be rude. You could have asked me questions rather than assuming and being rude. If you can't participate by the rules, how about moving on.


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## Runs like Dog

Poster "Sex" is banned, FYI


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## Syrum

Halien said:


> I've been puposely backing away from most categories here, but I noticed your thread as the top thread, and couldn't resist. Let's be honest, many of us guys grow up in a home where the mother takes care of almost everything when it comes to cooking and cleaning. Its a social thing, and yes, it is wrong.
> 
> Then, you have a theory that tends to run here that helping around the house makes you a nice guy, and your wife will begin to pine for another. Sad. Its not what you do in your actions as a man that matters in this respect, its who you are. There are some guys here who, in my opinion, have it figured out. A man does his part because its the right thing to do, and doesn't do it to please her as his primary goal. This is the distinction.
> 
> When I married, I realized that my wife was blessed with some sort of higher talent that allows her to fold clothes at a rate that really puzzles me. And when she does laundry, she doesn't even know that the label on the washer says that it can hold 6.7 cu. ft. of clothes. In fact, she knows that if this 6.7 cu ft is all blue jeans, your washing machine will become your neighbors once it stops doing the crazy 1970s retro dance across the floor and through the driveway, and into their yard.
> 
> I figured out, though, that I understood the geometric concept of packing items into a dishwasher more efficiently than her. And cleaning floors? I didn't get 18 inch biceps for sitting on a couch. I can peel the top layer off the hardwood floor with a mop. And I'm not picky about who I dance with, so why not the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
> 
> All this to say that sharing the load is just the right thing to do, and your husband should be able to figure out what he can do just as efficiently as you (with practice), and just do it because its the right thing to do. Tell him that you have a choice: cut back your work hours, or share the chores with him. Either way, once you're home, the remaining chores are 50/50.


:iagree: I think men should do chores because they know they should be contributing to household, and keep it running well. They should do it to be fair and because they are good people, not because they want to please their wives. That's just a bonus.


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## howardmyduck

Before I met my wife or had a girlfriend, I took care of the things that I needed to do. When you where first dating your husband did he do his own thing, how long did it take till you started to do everything for him, or was it a long process? I can see that a girlfriend will start cooking for him and washing the dishes for him and then till she knows she's in it for the long run she will finally dive into the laundary. But now my wife does most of the house chores as she says she does. Looking back, its great not having to do stuff around the house, I hate folding clothes, ill wash, but rarely fold. I remember that I taught her how to cook the food I love and would cook it and then I would wash dishes, and then one time she said, "i got it," I said, " are you sure?" She said, " ya, just go." And now she does the majority of the kitchen work, but I swear I help once or twice a month... Did it go like this for someone of you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SLRLeann

Definately, To avoid a very long reply I'll just say my first post here was not too long ago and titled "stuck in marriage ambivalence". I spoke of our 17yr marriage of bad emotional abuse. I was cursed out called names etc etc. We walked on eggshells around him trying so hard to ensure nothing upset him. I realize I'm the one that stayed through that. My severly codependent insecure person accepted his wrath for many many years. When I become hateful towards him, got help and walked out the door he turned into this "new man" who begged me to help him change and to stay. And change he did! He doesn't treat us like that anymore. I've not been called a stupid [email protected]# in a few years now. But I want more than just him not being a jerk anymore. I want a personality. I want help. I want enthusiasm for life. I want someone to cut a joke, laugh, I dunno. He says I keep raising the bar on him. I say that as awful as it sounds, yes he changed but not enough to attrack me. That sounds bad and selfish but it's true. 

I'm in therapy alone now. (also in my other post). I'm still codependent. I'm trying to learn to say no to others and stop getting myself into bad situations trying to fix everyone else. Last night I did what someone here said. All 3 of us walked in from work etc and the first thing my son did was get onto his laptop. My husband first put his hands in the cereal box for a snack then sat on the couch and literally said "i'm starved what's for dinner" I felt that same hatred inside I always feel during these situations. Instead I turned off the tv and got my son's attention and nicely said something like this:
"alright, I know ya'll are hungry and I am too. Son ..If you can please pick up the living room especially since most of it is yours, and to husband..I'll bring the clothes from dryer out so you can fold them while your watching tv, then I'll be able to start dinner knowing these other things are getting done. Then we'll all be done and I can sit for the night too. They both looked at me like I'd just shot the dog! My son said "what!?" and my husband said "uh!". I said "ya wanna eat?" then walked off, got the clothes, dumped them on the couch then brought the vacuum out for my son. But...they did it!!! :smthumbup: I swear to god i cooked the entire meal with a smile on my face. 

I guess I can buy into the theory that men just don't think like we do. I can be open to asking/telling him what I need rathr than expecting him to help. I still need to work on getting him up to participate in other things. Have fun. Have a personality. But I think I"ll leave that alone till I'm further into my own therapy. Right now we're working on my accepting others and not changing them or fixing them. ie: someone at work is having issue with kid, not jump in and tell her how to fix it. She has me making attempt to find something to compliment others on and it's so odd how that works on my own self esteem. Compliment them rather than try to get them to compliment me.

Ok, i'm steering off subject here and saying things that should be on my other post.  I've told my husband before that I feel the days of the woman being expected to handle all the home and kids was back when women didn't have to work. If we're both working we both share in the other duties too. Now I know there are just some things that is a moms job. A bandaid on the knee. things like that. But there are some things that should just be the mans job. Like mowing. It's a riding mower for gods sake. Only sitting required.


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## joe kidd

If she cooks I'll do the dishes, If I cook she does. I will sweep and run a vacuum, but she does the lions share of the housework. Under no circumstances am I allowed to do laundry.... not since the "pink underwear" incident of '98.


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## Runs like Dog

She circles entries on the Chinese menu. I fax it.


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## SLRLeann

:lol: too funny


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## SJMan1974

SLRLeann, I liked the fact that you dumped the laundry in front of your husband and gave him the option of folding for his supper. Kudos to you for that one, especially since it worked. Keep building on that to get everyone to do their fair share.

I'm not sure if I am a little different, but in our house my wife generally cooks, gets groceries and does most of the shopping, does laundry and some garbage as well as cleaning the bathrooms. I cook (mainly in the summer), do garbage, clean dishes, vaccuum, do some laundry (most of the putting it away), empty and clean the litter box, pick up dog business, and do the seasonal stuff (mow and snow blow) and take care of the vehicles. Hmmm, I must be missing something in my wife's list  ... oh, she also takes care of the recycling. I'm sure that there are other things as well.

Right now we are trying to make our marriage work better and as I look at our normal chores it does not bother me that much since most of them take only a few minutes. Your husband would have more energy if he sat less and you'd both be happier if you helped each other out and knew that the work loads were fairly even. 

It doesn't take two to keep up a house, but it sure makes things easier.


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## SLRLeann

I'm working on this. It's been him sitting day and night unless at work. every evening and all day on the weekends. when he DOES do something I help like with yard work. I do ALL housework, cat box, dog business outside, garbage recycling, cooking shopping etc etc. But....Most of this is related to other story (long other post) and i'm in CoDA group recovery now. Luvin it and getting stronger every day. I'm living in workbooks and the whole 12step deal. :smthumbup:

I'm delegating to the both of them now.

Every evening it's "xxx if you'll do xxx and let him do xxx then I'll do dinner or whatever" Son is showing some disent. I merely say "i understand you don't want to, i do'nt either and I understand your not use to me asking for help but I've decided I should not be the only one that contributes to all the work while the two of you sit and enjoy a relaxing day watching tv. We can all relax after necessities are done.


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## Coryboy22

my husband goes to work Monday -Friday , has a good job ,but I work two jobs and he stills wants me to play wife and maid . our kids are all grown and out of the house. The house we rent because my husband won't buy a house with me. my dream is to buy a home and my husband won't . is this normal and why should I give up my dream. our agreement is he does the outside and I clean the inside, but theirs more to do on the inside. I go to my first job ( work in a hot kitchen for the school) which is hard work and come home clean for him and cook his dinner and off to the second job , working retail at night. he said he work harder. what is normal anymore. HELP wife how is sick of her husband


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