# Don't Know what to do ?????



## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi I am married to my wife for 2-1/2 years but been with her for 5-1/2 years.Before marrying my wife during our engagement I had asked my wife , that if she still held a torch for some by-gone love someone she still had feelings for she can backout and not keep me around as some sort of backup plan bcoz I wanted sum1 who really wanted to be with me because she really loved me and saw a future with me and not as some sort of compromise.
We have been trying for a child for last 6 months and few days back I came across an email she had sent to her friend accidentally that has me now questioning the very foundation of my marriage .uy she was with 
In the e-mail she talks about a guy she was with for 4 years who broke-up with her as he had wanted time for his professional career and with whom she is in touch although sparingly . But in the email she talks of him as the love of her life that she could not hold on to . Someone she will always love. But thing that had me actually floored was this line " I wouldn't think 2ice if he asked me to come away with him. Although I know that is ever gonna happen but I would always wait for him.I know that I Peter(me) would be heartbroken but he is strong man he can get over it easily."
Now this is the woman I told specifically to not to lie about her feelings and bare them out and if that was actually the case let me go out with a clean conscience .
Well I now see that never happened so now I am here and feel stuck not knowing what mt future course of action should be .
Initially I did want to confront her but I have decided to wait and watch I have just installed a keylogger software to track her internet movements maybe get better insight of her emotions In the time being please hit me with some constructive ideas.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Looks like she's not the one then. You'll always be 2nd choice to her, can you live with that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry for your pain.

Who did she write this email to?

You are going to have to confront her with your knowledge. You said you "came across the email." Does that mean you went looking for it? From your posts it sounds as if you always wondered if she had feelings for someone else. Why? And did you wonder about that guy specifically? You said you asked her this during your engagement so I am wondering, what is the back story there.

Her having ANY contact with this guy is bad news for your marriage. You said they "sparingly" have contact but even that is too much.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

The email was for her girlfriend (BFF) of 15 years.Well her mailbox was open and thought why check it out it I as then that I came across the email.Currently i don't know that confronting her will be the best idea . I think i should gather enough info as to what is going on in her head before I press the matter on her .


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> The email was for her girlfriend (BFF) of 15 years.Well her mailbox was open and thought why check it out it I as then that I came across the email.Currently i don't know that confronting her will be the best idea . I think i should gather enough info as to what is going on in her head before I press the matter on her .


i sure would be alful carefull about thr tring to have a kid part.nothing like throwing more problems into the mix
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She just told you in the email what is going on. She is still in love with the "love of her life", her "soulmate" and she would leave you if he said he wanted her back. He is #1 in her heart, you are #2. 

Now you know what she thinks. You said she is maintaining contact with the other man. You know if he said to her "Lets meet at a hotel and get it on just like old times" she would go with him. She told her GF as much.

Confronting her will do nothing. She will lie probably but maybe she will tell you the truth. Who know?

OK, #2 what do you want to do about it. I think you have two choices now that you know her mind.

1. Stay with her and always wonder if the other guy will come and take her away.

2. Realize she does not love you romantically like she does him and get a divorce before it is too late and you have children.

By the way - having a child would not stop her from going with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't get her pregnant.
You may not want to confront her but I don't think you realize what a big deal you have on your hands right now. 
It sounds like she still loves him.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Confront her and get the drama out of the way, her reaction will give you a clue of her thinking processes. If she makes a comment about privacy remind her privacy is for the bathroom secrecy is deceit . No matter what she says you know that she would drop you in the blink of an eye and this is going to be with you while you are married to her . There will come a day when the ex or your wife will make the contact more personal.

It is pointless trying to convince her to love you. Please don't beg or be needy and be fooled by your love for her. Read her words again they translate that she cares so little for you she would move on , your plan b and always have been.

I suggest as this is very early on in your marriage you divorce now, don't be shy to tell people why? Your not the one causing the problem she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

GTA, think for a moment. It doesn't matter what you find out. She lied to you, married you, used you, has sworn love to another man, and wouldn't think twice about casting you aside for him.

WHAT EXACTLY MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?

I believe your thinking is somewhat clouded. The woman said she would dump you in a hot second if asked. Just how do you fix that? You can divorce her worthless a$$ for the succubus she has prove herself to be.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

"Currently i don't know that confronting her will be the best idea . I think i should gather enough info as to what is going on in her head before I press the matter on her ."


There is no need for more info , she will either lie and deny or admit she does not love you . Are you prepared to carry on knowing full well she will walk out as soon as the ex makes a move. Are you willing to live your life with someone that does not, has not and will not love you. Sadly I see no future for you with your wife .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I know that I Peter(me) would be heartbroken but he is strong man he can get over it easily


This sentence disgusts me. She does not have a speck of respect for you


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he kicked her to the curb.

she will carry this torch forever but he kicked her to the curb.

personaly I think she was just bullsh*ttin with her friend and you most likley have nothing to worry about.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Run for the hills before you bring any children into this.




> personaly I think she was just bullsh*ttin with her friend and you most likley have nothing to worry about


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Stop trying to have a kid with her. 
It is not going to make anything better, only worse. 
It is very good you found this before she got pregnant because it gives you a chance to talk about this and be able to have the real option to stop this and move on relatively unscathed.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If I saw that email I would definitely confront her immediately. But that's my style.

Who cares how you found it? Surely she will tell you that you were a snoop and she can't trust you now. But who cares? 

This is a HUGE situation. How could you live even one more day without saying anything to her? I couldn't even look at my wife if I saw that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pack her bags and have them waiting at the door when she comes home. Print out the email and show it to her. Tell her to go stay at her BFF's place until you have time to think it through. Then after she leaves go talk to a lawyer anf file for D.

OR.....

Play second fiddle to her ex for the rest of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

I agree with Bandit. At best she used you to impress her friend. Worse, she means it. In any case its just a matter of time before Mr. X discovers she still has the hots for him,_ he will contact her and he will have it in for you, if you know what I mean._ In your situation, I'd confront her and help her choose----him. When you do confront her, like all women, all she’s going to do is be self-righteous and accuse you of being a sneak behind her back. Be prepared. Remember, treachery and infidelity don’t start with the body. They start with the mind.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hmm it's hard to tease out what someone is saying to someone else about a third person and how genuine that is. Like listening to half of a phone conversation. She might be making up attributes to a person she only vaguely has a flame for. She might have an agenda in telling this person.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hmm it's hard to tease out what someone is saying to someone else about a third person and how genuine that is. Like listening to half of a phone conversation. She might be making up attributes to a person she only vaguely has a flame for. She might have an agenda in telling this person.


IDK, I might agree with this if they were bullsh*tting about Brad Pitt or something. But this is the girl's ex boyfriend. Not buying it.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

My thinking is this

"Others will only respect you as much as you respect yourself"

If this was me, I would leave. I expect much more for myself than being #2. 

Somewhere there is someone that will appreciate you and you will be their #1. Anything less than that, you are really missing out on greatness in your relationship.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

lovemylife said:


> Somewhere there is someone that will appreciate you and you will be their #1.


You make it sound scarce. That ain't the case. He'll have plenty of choices.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Even if you confront her and she apologizes, you wouldn't be able to trust her. Maybe not the ex, but i can be a new co worker or a random stranger whose worth is more than you(which isn't much). Your only hope is that she doesn't find any other worthwhile guy, so she will stick to you. And if she does indeed have a Mid life crisis, you are f*cked


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What is their to learn? She made it pretty clear in the email what she thinks and desires. You are her second choice. If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would be quivering on whether to confront you about this. Do not get her pregnant. If you stay with her then you are settling for someone who is clearly in love with someone else. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I think GTA might be working on this issue right now.

Best of Luck GTA.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stop having sex with her.
Pray she`s not pregnant.

Agree on the most amicable split you can agree on and get out relatively unscathed.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey GTA---did you make a copy of that e-mail---if not DO SO

Its time---its time right now---your wife is telling you, that you are, and always will be sloppy 2nds.

You are lucky in that he obviously is not interested in her, but you need to deal with her attitude toward you.

For you to have asked her prior to getting married about her fidelity, meant you had problems about her back then, well guess what, they are out in the open.

You DO NOT NEED TO WAIT---you have all the evidence you need, that you are now, and always will be in 2nd place.

Confront, and settle this now, do not wait around for something to actually happen, and make it all 1000times worse for you.

Show some self worth, and respect for yourself, and let her know RIGHT NOW, you will not stay married to someone who thinks so little of her own H., that she would leave at a moment's notice with another man, if so asked.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So even if she was not serious, which one would think she was, her deisrespecting you to other people is a deal breaker to me. She is baically teller others she just keeps you around but you are not that important to her. This gets around and she becomes a target for others as well.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

I have been having a hard time these couple of days . I have been trying to analyze her behavior and honestly nothing in her actions seem to indicate that she is still hung up one him .
I further would like to add some info that the letter to her BFF was written around 6 months prior to our marriage.The account I read the letter from is seldom used by her .
But nevertheless since the finding I have been having extremely hard time focusing on things.My wife has noticed the change but I still haven't confronted her yet about it .I think she may no longer be hung up on him and confronting her would send our marriage into a tailspin.
This is all I can update about myself right now . Finding it hard to think straight.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> I have been having a hard time these couple of days . I have been trying to analyze her behavior and honestly nothing in her actions seem to indicate that she is still hung up one him .
> I further would like to add some info that the letter to her BFF was written around 6 months prior to our marriage.The account I read the letter from is seldom used by her .
> But nevertheless since the finding I have been having extremely hard time focusing on things.My wife has noticed the change but I still haven't confronted her yet about it .I think she may no longer be hung up on him and confronting her would send our marriage into a tailspin.
> This is all I can update about myself right now . Finding it hard to think straight.


You say that you feel confronting her would send your marriage into a tailspin. My suggestion is that you don't confront her, you ask her to explain the email and then tell her how much it is bothering you. It's called honesty and I've never seen an honest relationship go into a tailspin. If you feel your trust in her is shaken I might add that you have avenues in order to verify her trustworthiness. You can install a keylogger on the computer. You can put a VAR in her car. You can monitor her cell phone conversations. Lastly, if you still think she is untrustworthy you can ask her for a polygraph and/or a postnup. However if she is being faithful and honest she may get upset at these suggestions.

The bottom line is that there should not be any privacy between you and her. Without privacy there can be no deception. Whether she is/has been faithful to you or not privacy is an impediment to marital happiness


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I have been having extremely hard time focusing on things.My wife has noticed the change but I still haven't confronted her yet about it .I think she may no longer be hung up on him and confronting her would send our marriage into a tailspin.


You have no choice but to have a conversation with your wife. Leaving it adds to your pain and what will happen is you spiral out of control into a world of self doubt and fear. 

Many issues in a marriage are due to lack of open communication. Take away the definition of the word confront and call it a discussion. Sit with your wife , don't be shy to say what you read and ask her to explain the message, listen listen and listen more.

Hold your tongue until you have something of value to say and think through her answers. Don't accept or reject the explanation. 

A reminder:- if she says anything about privacy answer "Privacy is for the bathroom , secrecy is deceit, there are no secrets in a marriage."


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:


Eli-Zor is on the money. Hold your emotions in check. Let her answer your questions. Keep it civil.

Ask and just listen. No crying. No shouting. No hurt feelings.

Do not let your response to her answers drag your marriage down.

Just talk.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you don't ask her, this knowledge will eat away at you like a cancer. Your bitterness will grow and you'll either withdraw from her or you'll wig out on her one day and send the marriage into a tailspin anyway.

Better now than later....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to at the very least discuss this with her.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I agree with those advising you to at least talk to her about it. The 'not knowing' will do more harm to your feelings for her than you think. If she gets upset about your reading it, being that both your lives should be an open book to each other - NO SECRETS!! -, then maybe there is something there for you to be concerned about. 

IMO - If they have to hide what they're doing; then they shouldn't be doing it. 

Granted, you said the letter was written before your wedding as was your direct ?? of her true feelings.... In my eyes, this does not minimize the effect a letter like that can have on you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

In the e-mail she talks about a guy she was with for 4 years who broke-up with her as he had wanted time for his professional career and *with whom she is in touch although sparingly* . But in the email she talks of him as the* love of her life that she could not hold on to . Someone she will always love.* But thing that had me actually floored was this line " *I wouldn't think 2ice if he asked me to come away with him. Although I know that is ever gonna happen but I would always wait for him.I know that I Peter(me) would be heartbroken but he is strong man he can get over it easily."*

Didn't see that the email was sent 6 months before you were married - but even so, the bold statements would still bother me. All this 6 months prior to marriage makes you a rebound 2nd choice. 

Were you engaged when she wrote this?

Is she still in contact with this guy? Considering her stated feelings about him, even occasional contact would bother me no end. She is just keeping her feelings for him fresh and torturing you. 

You need to talk to her.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Look at it this way - You were together for about 3 years when she sent this email. It proves how much she values those years when she told her best friend that she would drop you in a minute. You are nothing to her, You are second string to her. Why would you bother staying with her when she thinks so low of you?

Its wise for you not to confront her right away because the key logger will help you find a ton of information (should she be hiding anything from you). Wait two weeks for the key logger then confront her about the email (and any info you find with the key logger). Also stop trying to make a baby. Getting her pregnant now would only complicate things even more.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Ok GTA, I need to get the facts straight. When was the email in question sent to her friend? Its a little different if it was sent before your marriage than if it was sent last week. If its a recent thing, only you can decide whether her companionship is worth being relegated a substitute for the one she really wants.


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## Skylar (Oct 3, 2011)

You mentioned in your post that you installed a keylogger on her computer. I say wait a month. I know it's difficult, but wait a month and keep track in seeing what she's up to. Then make sure to keep a mental note of all the things that's giving you doubts about her. Then use all the information that you found out and ask her questions regarding those information. However do it in a way where she has to say it herself, if what she says matches what you know know then she's telling the truth, or if what she says doesn't then you'll probably know what to do after. I don't know whether what I'm saying make sense to you, but if you confront her right away, she might become suspicious and lie her head off about everything and then she might start doing things behind your back. :S


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yesterday I tried to ask her about her situation with the Ex but did not confront her directly. I asked what is going on in his life and how do you feel about him? 
On the second part she kinda jumped on me and said that she feel nothing for him like and she remembers him like any1 would feel about a bygone love and that she has me now and wants nothing else ..........:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
I also monitored her the actions through her keylogger software but haven't found anything suspicious .Well not yet ?? I still have her Blackberry to monitor ...........


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well it's been a some-time since I posted and I just have bad news to share . After pondering and obsessing over this issue I did finally crack and confronted her.
To her credit my wife was upfront and accepted that every word of which she had written was true as per her feelings then!!!
But she said over the years she has has changed and has grown to love me and cannot identify her life without me .
Well nevertheless I left our home the very next day and have begun the divorce process.
She has been trying to get in touch with me regularly and was recently admitted into hospital for dehydration and is also being treated for the mental shock she suffered after I left.
Well needless to say i am facing opposition from each and every corner of my life right from my family to my friends . my parents want us to get back together and start a family.Her family is totally against this divorce and have accused me of being an abusive and greedy husband and have filed police complaints on grounds of marital abuse and demanding dowry.
I have decided to stick to my guns as I can't really see any future with my soon to be divorced wife but it's hard because suddenly i have become kind of a pariah in my own home town.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

well are you a greedy husband ?? this woman has stuck by you dude. she got over the dude. Have ther been others that had you suspicious before. I know you are hurt, but by the time you asked her to marry you, maybe she was over him. Remember this was six months before you asked. True ?? dowry ??? well at least you not a bride burner.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GTA,

I do not understand why you left your wife.


You verified her actions and messages over the past few months and everything shows she is a faithful loving wife????

You confronted her about the letter/email and she verified that it is entirely true from 6 months before you were married and that it might have been written in anger.

She verified that she loves only you and wants to be with you and have a family.

I am confused as to why you left after you verified all of this???

Your wife sounds like she is loyal and honest plus she sounds like she is broken hearted you left.

What made you walk out the door on your marriage? The truth?

HM64


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

I still have the transcripts of the email exchange and the more I read it the more I have become convinced that i married a big-time actress. I don't know why she agreed to go through the marriage but i guess it may have been the pressure and expectations of her family that may have pushed her. 
I must also mention that i am from India .Here if you're a woman and not married till say 27-28 life does get difficult not only socially but from family-wise too. 
Hence I think that her agreeing to marry me was more out of familial pressure rather than genuinely out of love and I ended up being the scapegoat. 
Well i haven't talked to my wife about these thoughts and I feel opening up and talking about these thoughts is only going to invite more bickering ,insults fro my own family and in-laws.In India people tend rug-sweep the individual problems just in the name of family values leaving every person to fight his demons on his own.
So all in all I can say I feel completely betrayed and tricked by my spouse and that's the reason I walked out.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> I still have the transcripts of the email exchange and the more I read it the more I have become convinced that i married a big-time actress. I don't know why she agreed to go through the marriage but i guess it may have been the pressure and expectations of her family that may have pushed her.
> I must also mention that i am from India .Here if you're a woman and not married till say 27-28 life does get difficult not only socially but from family-wise too.
> Hence I think that her agreeing to marry me was more out of familial pressure rather than genuinely out of love and I ended up being the scapegoat.
> Well i haven't talked to my wife about these thoughts and I feel opening up and talking about these thoughts is only going to invite more bickering ,insults fro my own family and in-laws.In India people tend rug-sweep the individual problems just in the name of family values leaving every person to fight his demons on his own.
> So all in all I can say I feel completely betrayed and tricked by my spouse and that's the reason I walked out.



I understand there are cultural differences and expectations than what most TAM posters are used to.

So, could her reaction after you left be attributed to how your society may view a divorced woman?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I agree with your decision.

She clearly said she will always love him, wait for him and when the day comes she'll run away with him. Be glad you found it much ealry in your marriage.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

aug:
Yes I don't know what is the cause behind her current situation but i strongly feel it's more out of being treated and ridiculed like a social outcast than it's truly about me moving out.
Plus if she had really loved me or had cared about me she would have stopped her family from framing charges of dowry .In India judicial procedure is extremely slow hence it will take some good amount of time before I get my divorce plus with the criminal charges leveled against me will play a huge part in the divorce proceedings .I might be staring at some jail sentence if I get convicted .


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Don't blame her for something her family(probably father) did !!

You are using that as an excuse. If you want to divorce her -- go ahead -- just accept the fact that a divorce can get nasty.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

GTA, it seems you are being rather impulsive, so perhaps there is more that you haven't revealed?
Look, I'm also Indian, but from South Africa. Similar social conventions apply, so I understand where you are coming from.

Your claim that her current health issues are only because she doesn't want to be a divorcee doesn't make any sense. If that was the case she & her parents would have done anything & everything to repair the marriage, just to save face in public. They would not have pressed charges reg the dowry.

The email she sent was prior to marriage, & people change their minds as time goes on. She didn't have a crystal ball. How could she see into the future to know that after she married you, she would feel even more deeply for you than the ex. I'm sure when she wrote the email to the BFF she probably meant it. But now that she's experienced life with you she's realised that it surpases any experiences she had before.

You've done your due diligence- you've checked using a key logger, spoke to her, & now you're seeing her reactions to you leaving- what more do you need to see that your wife has invested greatly into this marriage?

However, ifyou are just looking for an excuse to get divorced, then yes an email written 6 months BEFORE she even had a chance to live with you & build a life with you can definately be seen as a justification for divorce. Under the right circumstances people can justify any behaviour. I don't think you should take your marriage vows so lightly, you did promise to work through good & bad times in front of GOD- so do you really think that an old email is good enough justification?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

blissful said:


> GTA, it seems you are being rather impulsive, so perhaps there is more that you haven't revealed?
> Look, I'm also Indian, but from South Africa. Similar social conventions apply, so I understand where you are coming from.
> 
> Your claim that her current health issues are only because she doesn't want to be a divorcee doesn't make any sense. If that was the case she & her parents would have done anything & everything to repair the marriage, just to save face in public. They would not have pressed charges reg the dowry.
> ...


He just wants to bail.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> Hi *I am married to my wife for 2-1/2 years but been with her for 5-1/2 years.*Before marrying my wife during our engagement I had asked my wife , that if she still held a torch for some by-gone love someone she still had feelings for she can backout and not keep me around as some sort of backup plan bcoz I wanted sum1 who really wanted to be with me because she really loved me and saw a future with me and not as some sort of compromise.





GTA06 said:


> I further would like to add some info that the letter to her BFF was written around *6 months prior to our marriage*.The account I read the letter from is seldom used by her .




6 months before the marriage she wrote that email. They were already 2 1/2 years into their relationship by that time. And she was still regretting her previous love of 4 years long and wanted to go back to it.

It seems to me that when she was about to marry someone, that longing for the previous love should not be there.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

blissful:
Charges against me are a way to force me back into the marriage.
Her family has already made threats against me and my family in particular against my sister.Currently I am out on interim bail till charges aginst me are proved.
I still do love my wife but the thing is that I was and still am shaken by what I read.
I never was looking to bail out of the marriage and what really surprises me is response here is similar to what I am facing IRL.
I really am getting hammered from every where.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man up brother, your getting in your own way here.

You got blindsided, and today you mention you do love your wife so suck it up and do what you need to do to make a wrong a right.

What I mean is I get that you got butt hurt about the emails, but now I see you over reacted, and now love your chick, so do her right and man up and take some crap and deal with this sh!t.

It's kind of funny what we do for love. Some guys get scared and quit, some guys get pissed off and fight..... so what say you... brother, are you a fighter or a quitter? forgive her and she will forgive you for leaving her


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

I just want to put an update:
I called my wife few minutes back and told her everything how I felt.
I made it clear that those emails clearly punched a whole in my heart and in the belief that our marriage was without any baggage from previous relationships.I am not trying to negotiate a way to drop the charges against me since I know they can't prove a thing against me .But if she is willing to talk and meet me and discuss where and how we went wrong then I am all ears.
We have decided to meet tonight in the presence of her sister at my apartment .Let's see how it goes.
In the mean time can any help out as to how proceed questioning her?????????


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

GTA06 said:


> I just want to put an update:
> I called my wife few minutes back and told her everything how I felt.
> I made it clear that those emails clearly punched a whole in my heart and in the belief that our marriage was without any baggage from previous relationships.I am not trying to negotiate a way to drop the charges against me since I know they can't prove a thing against me .But if she is willing to talk and meet me and discuss where and how we went wrong then I am all ears.
> We have decided to meet tonight in the presence of her sister at my apartment .Let's see how it goes.
> In the mean time can any help out as to how proceed questioning her?????????


Why don't you just talk to her. Tell her about the effects the email 6 months before you were married has on you. I don't thing an question and answer session is needed in your case. Just have a heart to heart and hopefully you and her will be honest and open with each other. Being honest and open can/will cause pain -- but I believe that would be the first step for you two.

Good luck !!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Discuss everything. Tell your heart, wait for explanations. Let her explain herself. Does she still carry a torch for the lost love? Will be like this forever? 
Leave no stone unturned.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

GTA, let me get this straight. Six month before you were married, she sent an email to her friend saying she still had the hots for an old boyfriend. Now, thirty six month later you figure what she had said, is still valid today. My question is this--how much time would have to pass, in your opinion, before her statement was no longer a deal breaker? What if the email was nine months before you were married, or twelve months, or twenty four months. What's you statute of limitations on this thing? Are you the first person she slept with? (that's a rhetorical question. I'm not expecting you to answer)


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Boy you have created a mess for yourself.....pride and impulse can be very destructive. You took old information and applied it to your present life and acted as a child. Your wife express doubts before your marriage in the form of holding onto an old love - she chose to live a life with you - she expressed her love and you walk away. 

You either have to follow through with the divorce and let karma (Western understanding) bite you in the but OR you fix this with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> Boy you have created a mess for yourself.....pride and impulse can be very destructive. You took old information and applied it to your present life and acted as a child. Your wife express doubts before your marriage in the form of holding onto an old love - she chose to live a life with you - she expressed her love and you walk away.
> 
> You either have to follow through with the divorce and let karma (Western understanding) bite you in the but OR you fix this with your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BEFORE MARRIAGE she was asked if she had feelings for her ex and she answered no. That means she lied because she was already conscious what she was saying. 
Eventhough the email was found 6 months after marriage, still it's not sufficient to change feelings about someone you really loved in the past.

So she married him out of no other choice, not out of love.
How could he put up with that? 

There's nothing to fix. She loves her ex, not her husband and probably she'll never love him. So what should have he waited for?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dont forget that this was an arranged marriage also. 

What's love got to do with it?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> aug:
> Yes I don't know what is the cause behind her current situation but i strongly feel it's more out of being treated and ridiculed like a social outcast than it's truly about me moving out.
> Plus if she had really loved me or had cared about me she would have stopped her family from framing charges of dowry .In India judicial procedure is extremely slow hence it will take some good amount of time before I get my divorce plus with the criminal charges leveled against me will play a huge part in the divorce proceedings .I might be staring at some jail sentence if I get convicted .



I was about to ask you to be open for R even if she married for societal reasons and did grow to love you. How long back was this mail to her friend?

But then the family filing charges left a bad taste in my mouth. Are they trying to coerce into reconciling with her? How is she reacting to these charges against you?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you don't say how long the engagement was, was the email sent doing the engagement ?? How long after? I understand she was no teen at the time, but living with you and experiencing day to day loving from you could have showed her, the difference between a devoted man, and some ambitious x, and come to love you just as much or more. whatever you choose, good luck.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

aug:
My marriage was not an arranged marriage.We were working for the same IT company,I as in the HR dept and she was the team leader of a software project .But yes we never really did live together because of social norms against premarital co-habitation.

Well I met up with her at a restaurant yesterday .She came with her sister .Beginning the conversation wasn't easy because I just couldn't think something or anything to begin with but she came right down to business.
She gave her version of explanation about the events.She said that since we never really had lived together before our marriage she could never really decide whether I was the "ONE" for her but that she was always fond of me as a friend and someone she could really trust.She said that over the last 3 years she has come to realize that she was infact in an infatuation state with her old lover and was totally committed to the marriage.That she has not been in any contact with him since we got married and she kept these things hidden at the time because she didn't want our marriage plans to fall through.
SHe has proposed that no matter what if given a chance she will prove herself to me.
She had no role in filing the dowry case and we together went to the police station last night to take back the complaint and I have told her to talk to her father and ask him to apologize otherwise I am filing harassment charges against him .Her sister tried to apologize on her family's behalf but I have made it clear that unless her father steps up I don't see any reconciliation .


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> have told her to talk to her father and ask him to apologize otherwise I am filing harassment charges against him .Her sister tried to apologize on her family's behalf but I have made it clear that unless her father steps up I don't see any reconciliation .


This is good move, I do however suspect she may have encouraged her father even if was by her silence.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

GTA06 that really is a positive step from her. Arranged marriages are a tough nut because, you need to learn to love the person overtime unlike in love marriages. How long back are the messages from?

And regarding the dowry case, it might be something the father did out of desperation when his daughter was admitted in a hospital. It might well be misguided love towards his daughter however stupid it was. Use you own discretion to judge this objectively.

I am not sure what went down between you and her father but pick the battles worth fighting. Don't let your reconciliation depend on this stupid man's ego who was idiotic enough to file dowry charges in a martial fight.

Eli-Zor, no reason to think that she did. She was being honest since the day of confrontation.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> aug:
> *My marriage was not an arranged marriage.*We were working for the same IT company,I as in the HR dept and she was the team leader of a software project .But yes we never really did live together because of social norms against premarital co-habitation.



I stand corrected. 

I somehow got the impression it was. But looking back at your posts, I cant figure out why I got that.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you are not married to her father. and he may be just enough of an as* to say no. so where does that leave your marriage?? will this be a deal breaker ?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

First, I think you should write this up as a script. It's a classic Bollywood plot.

Second, I just went though this with my Indo/Pak origin wife - and it was 34 years after the old boyfriend dumped her until he jumped out at her on Facebook. So beware.

Third, try to keep other members of the family from getting too involved in your possible reconciliation - they will cause more problems than they solve.

Fourth, I think her explanation is plausible - you weren't living together when she was pining for the old BF.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

Now, the meeting is a positive step. But with regards to your FIL- you said that they only did it to keep you in the marriage. So, that proves that he had his daughter's best interest at heart. ut yourself in that situation- would you not have done anything that you could to protect your daughter's best interest?

Also, right now your W may be all contrite- but it seems to me that she is accepting ALL of the blame for this situation. Whereas, if you look at it, don't you think that you also had a role to play in your marital problems- she may have made the initial mistake, but you compounded it by acting hastily & immaturely.

I don't believe she should have to do anything & everything to win you back into the marriage. That is an awful power dynamic in a marriage & a few years down the line she is going to get fed up of being held to ramsom for something she did years ago. At that point your marriage will likely end in bitterness. You both made mistakes, each accept your share of the blam & move on.

As for your FIL, you & I both know that it is considered disrespectful to demand an elder apologise. what I suggest you do is have a family meeting with everyone present- explain that you 2 have spoken about the issues & have cleared the air. you both accept that you made mistakes & moving forward you will handle things in a more matur manner. In terms of the legal case, explain to them that while you understand that when they did that they were hurt & upset, but it had serious implications for you. Also you were traumatised by the whole thing. You both realise that in order to have a happy married life you need the blessing of both your parents, so you would like to put the past behind you & move.

Trust me dude, if you hold out for an apology from your FIL, you may: a). never get one & lose a really good wife (the grass isn't always greener elsewhere); or b). get an apology but be despised by your inlaws for humiliating them. Over time that resentment is going to eat away at your marriage like a cancer. Don't force your wife to chose between you & her family. down the line you're gonna regret it.

So, put your ego aside & make decisions that are best for you and not for your pride.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hello friends,
Well me and my wife have begun communicating a lot since our last meeting.We both agree that we have to take things slow although she wants us to get on with our lives as quickly as possible .But I believe till all the feelings are out in the open and are resolved only then will we begin to move on with our lives.
I am a great believer of that counseling can help us but finding a good shrink is very difficult in here since people here really don't like to talk about their marital problems.
Her father did really call me last nigh apologizing about his actions saying that he acted out to minimize the humiliation the family might have had face in the event of the divorce. Well I told him I can understand from where such feelings are coming from but trying to ruin my career and life ,that's inexcusable.
Well today her and me have planned to go to the Taj Hotel for a romantic dinner and then maybe for a walk along the Marine Drive . 
My parents have started to come around .My mother called me last night .I explained to her everything and she apologized for their behavior towards me in the last few months and that my actions were already humiliating for them within out close-knit community. I chit-chatted with my father too but never really got a response.
I am hoping for a true and honest reconciliation ,in the mean time can anyone suggest some books or materials that may help me guide through this process.
Thank you every one


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