# emotionally and mentally battered



## Leslie1677 (Mar 16, 2011)

I recently was separated from my ex husband (he degraded me and was an alcholic), and started dating this (Spanish guy) which, we are different race, not that it matters. I am in love with him, and have stronger feelings for him, than I did with my ex. Anyhow, when I first met him he was nice, sweet, made me laugh, listen to me, and appreciated me. One night, I had a girls night out for my friends bachelortte party, and he made a friend of his text me, acting like a guy – so I thought it was one of my crazy friend playing tricks on me, there were some text going back on forth about who is this, and that person wanting to see me, and I was like no, he got upset and said that I should of said that I was with someone, and let him know. We just started dating, I didn’t feel that I had to call him and tell him, I didn’t cheat on him. 

So we worked that out, than one day while we were together, I had two calls and he wanted to know who, so I told him one was my brother, and didn’t want to tell him the other – until he got mad – it was my divorce lawyer, (in which, I didnt want him involved in that situation) so he got mad and was like why did I not say it .. so since that day, he started treating me different.. 

he changed since than, he got more controlling, he wants me to text him, when I leave home, when I get to work, when I am at my desk, when I leave work, when i get off the train, and when I am in the house. he wants me to dress covering my ass, not dress like a hoe, which I don’t. He does not want me spending time with my friends, or talking to any of my friends, guys or girls, I shouldn’t be speaking with anyone basically unless its my family. He thinks I am a liar, and a *****, (I am not, I been faithful and honest to him) I made a few mistakes yes, but I giving and showed him that I can be trusted, but he doesn’t see that. He assumes things that I don’t do. I know he cares for me, but I don’t know why he Loves me but hates me so much. Like how can you say you love someone want to be with them, but than degrade and try to take all from them. Now, he wants me to get rid of my phone, change my number again, .. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation anymore. If I call him one minute late, he gets mad.. its like I cant be myself anymore. 

Its almost going to be a year that we been together, and its like almost every month, we break up, I plead my way back. He doesn’t treat me like he use to, and every time I tell my self that is it, I am walking away and leaving him alone, I plead my way back to work things out with him ,because my heart loves and miss him. 
I know I sound like a weak person, I am not but when it comes to him, I give in and apologize when I do no wrong; he has slapped me 3 times already for speaking back, or assuming I am lying to him. I know this is emotional and physical abuse, I just love him, and don’t know how to make him see that I am a good person, that loves him, I don’t know if I can change him to how he was in the beginning.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

What is it about him you love? 

Re-read your post....and keep re-reading it until you can see what everyone else who reads it will be able to see. Print out your post and show it to several of your closest friends or family. What do you imagine they would feel about it? What do you think they would suggest you do?

In what ways does this man care for you? You said it yourself, he shows hate toward you and degrades you.....he abuses you mentally, emotionally and physically....so I'll ask you again...what is it about this man that you love?

Please....you NEED to leave this relationship ASAP.....while you still can. He will not change....you already know deep down that it doesn't matter what you do - he will never see the good in you. He can't see the good in you because he is so full of anger and hatered toward women....you are simply the object that he is using to express that on right now.


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## Leslie1677 (Mar 16, 2011)

I dont know why I love him, its just that when he is in my life, I am content, I know I have to get out, because one day it may get worst. My friends and family would kill me, and say what the hell is wrong with me, this is not the person they know. Why am I being weak to him. But its hard, after being divorce, I feel that i failed at that, i couldnt change my ex, and i am here trying to change this person. In my stupid thoughts i think if i stick around and show him, i am the person that he can trust and believe, he would treat me with love and respect. But i think i am fooling myself , because if he doesnt now, he will never. its just hard because my heart say fight for this and my mind says otherwise.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

It's time to tuck your heart in a safe warm place (just for now, until you get your life sorted)....enlist support from family and friends and start following your head.

I know it's difficult to leave someone who we feel we love....but honestly Leslie - it's not love you feel for this man. It looks like love, feels like love but it's not. Love does not look like the scenario you have painted in your post. 

It seems like, for whatever reason, you have a deep need to fix someone....it didn't work with your ex-husband and it won't work with this man either. Or the next one - or the next one. 

The reason it hasn't and won't work is not because you are a failure....it's because it's simply not humanly possible to change who people are full stop. No matter how hard we try....or how certain we are that we can do it....we can't. 

You are far from being weak....you are a strong, capable woman - the fact that you are able to live in the situation you are in proves your strength of will and determination. It's just pointed in the wrong direction at the moment. You need to turn that strength and determination away from helping him and toward helping yourself.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I would say it may not be love as much as it is low self worth, and that might be the main reason you keep going back. 

I would imagine most people who have some self esteem and thought more of themselves wouldn't allow themselves to continue to be treated that way. 

He seems very controlling, and no one wants or needs that in their life. That is not healthy. So I have a feeling once you develop some self esteem and you begin to think you are more worthy of a better type of relationship, thats probably when you will no longer go back and continue to allow yourself to be treated like that.


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## Leslie1677 (Mar 16, 2011)

Ladies, thankyou so much for your input. 
I am going to start saying No, and not give into his every needs of taking all from me.. if he cant accept that and dont see my point of view.. it will hurt, but wounds will eventually heal. I will step away before i get trap in something i cant get out. 

thank you <3


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You went from the frying pan into the fire.
RUN as fast as you can from this guy. He hasn't changed, his true colors are coming out.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Please, please, run far away, very fast. Please.


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## yellowrose1 (Mar 21, 2011)

Unfortunately I am now in a very similar situation. I am trying to do what is best and leave but it is very difficult. I hope you are able to do it Leslie. I wish you luck!!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Leslie1677 said:


> every time I tell my self that is it, I am walking away and leaving him alone, I plead my way back to work things out with him ,because my heart loves and miss him.
> he has slapped me 3 times already for speaking back, or assuming I am lying to him. I know this is emotional and physical abuse, I just love him.


First, you get into counseling. Serious counseling. THIS IS NOT LOVE YOU ARE FEELING. This man has assaulted you! You have what would be similar to an addiction. An alkie or druggie will keep drinking or drugging even though their bodies are breaking down and their life is in chaos.

Your life is in chaos. Abuse is unacceptable. Claiming to love a man who slaps you means you need to ditch him and get some help for yourself.

With his control tactics, the chances are very good he will stalk you when you have the strength to leave him. Don't put it past him to escalate his abuse. You will need to go to court to get a restraining order.

This is a sick man, and you should figure out why you feel compelled to keep taking such abuse.


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## mse40 (Mar 28, 2011)

It sounds like the exact same relationship I'm in. The only advice I can give is get out now before your in the relationship for several years because it doesn't get better only worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Leslie1677 said:


> he changed since than, he got more controlling, he wants me to text him, when I leave home, when I get to work, when I am at my desk, when I leave work, when i get off the train, and when I am in the house. he wants me to dress covering my ass, not dress like a hoe, which I don’t. He does not want me spending time with my friends, or talking to any of my friends, guys or girls, I shouldn’t be speaking with anyone basically unless its my family. He thinks I am a liar, and a *****, (I am not, I been faithful and honest to him) I made a few mistakes yes, but I giving and showed him that I can be trusted, but he doesn’t see that. He assumes things that I don’t do. I know he cares for me, *but I don’t know why he Loves me but hates me so much. Like how can you say you love someone want to be with them, but than degrade and try to take all from them. *Now, he wants me to get rid of my phone, change my number again, ..
> 
> I know I sound like a weak person, I am not but when it comes to him, I give in and apologize when I do no wrong; *he has slapped me 3 times already for speaking back, or assuming I am lying to him*. I know this is emotional and physical abuse, .


No, you can't change him. He is an abusive man and you are in an abusive relationship.

Either you stay with him accepting this fact or you find your self-respect and move on.

I have been you before but it was years before I left. 

Tick tick tick--the clock is ticking and it only gets worse over time.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi 

RUN!!!

before you are trying to run with kids, RUN!!!
before it is divorce proceedings, RUN!!!
before you overlook that nice guy thinking this creep is a mate... RUN!!
I tried 12 years and mine hasn't hit me. I promise it does not get better. It gets worse.

RUN...


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## Rnewton (Mar 29, 2011)

Hun, this man is controlling underneath it all if this continues i bet u an anger and insecurity will come out in him! Get away now while u still can! Its so hard to b alone but its so much harder to b with someone so ur not lonely but b hurting inside and miserable! I know Im married to a man with the same issues plus 25 more!!!! Having a hard time myself but my mother waz like this she just couldnt make it couldnt b happy witout someone in her life....and ive been doin the same trying to escape it now which is easier for me to type than to do! ESP. once uve married them and they refuse to leave! Just cut this one off he isnt worth it and u can see urself hes hurting u


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You probably KEEP picking controlling men because you don't respect yourself enough. You need to break up with him, and you need to spend at LEAST 6 months as a SINGLE person. If you can't go 6 months without having a man in your life, you have bigger problems than just a lousy boyfriend, and you need to see a counselor for your self-esteem issues.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and first and foremost... get a divorce.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She doesn't need 6 months as a single person--she needs as long as it takes to learn to LOVE being alone, love it so much that she will only give it up for someone who treats her in loving ways.

I wonder why this is so hard for us, in general, to distinguish "loving ways" from NOT loving ways. In my mind, it's pretty straightforward: someone who loves you does not make you wait (ie, respects that your time is valuable, too), does not make promises s/he cannot or will not keep (ie "I'll call you later. . . oh, I got busy with X, Y, Z. . ."), notices and appreciates things that you admire, like, and enjoy, and HAPPILY joins you some of the time in things s/he wouldn't choose to do, CHERISHES what is important to simply b/c it is important to you, those kinds of things. The human error of imperfection--lapses in these loving ways--is few and far between, and is always followed by a sincere apology. Of course, the expectation is that you will treat your partner just as well. 

For some reason, lots of us have trouble setting boundaries, so others learn to take advantage of us. Or we have trouble respecting boundaries, and that starts more problems.

When you feel that treating someone in a loving way is a lot of work and you don't particularly FEEL like treating them that way (but you do it out of a sense of obligation, or fear of being alone, or whatever), that is a huge red flag that you really aren't meant to be together. Most people ignore that flag, I guess (and yep, I did too at one point in my life). If we just speak honestly, then we will find out if the other person is willing or able to change (they might have gotten lazy or needy and not have realized it), or if it is really just incompatibility--which is no one's fault! Breaking up might be sad, but it should not be a crisis. Ha, am I living in a fantasy world or what? 

So, OP (original poster), start learning to treat yourself better. Since he has already hit you 3 times, you need to leave; it is too risky to give him a chance, because he has already abused you and the chances are that any attempt you make a change will simply result in more and probably worse violence. Leave, now. Please, for your own sake. And get into counseling so you don't repeat the pattern!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great post, sister


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