# My new girlfriend (shocked) - Advice please



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I have a new girlfriend - been dating 8 months and everything has been going really great. We are both 46 but she has said a few things which initially I didn't understand. For example she would often say in the early stages she wasn't sharing me with anyone. I naively just thought she liked me a lot etc and thought she was overly protective/jealous type.

Anyway last weekend we got quite drunk and she told me that she and her husband of 20 years were swingers. I was quite shocked as she had previously told me she had never cheated on her husband in that time (I guess with hindsight that's true as he was consenting). I then realised what she kept saying in the early stages about not wanting to share me. 

She seems quite experienced in the swinging scene and then explained she loves me and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. She says her ex-husband made her do it and she went along with it. I'm not sure I believe this and she does seem to have an very high sex drive.

I obviously mentioned protected sex etc and she said she was fine.

I really don't know what to think.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I have a high sex drive but don't see anyone talking me into sharing someone I care about. Maybe she was talked into it by her husband. It actually sounds feasible. Is it something about her past that you can accept? If not, let her go. If you care about her, you won't stay with her and make her feel somehow diminished. She sounds like she has expressed that she cares about you a lot. Everyone's different, but for many people that means that if you value that person, you assign meaning to sex with them, and don't want to diminish it by bringing other people into the mix.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Talk to her about it and explore both of your feelings about it.

If you like her, it seems all good.

Does she understand that you are a bit taken back by her history?

Did she disclose it before you got intimate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

No she only told me last weekend when we were both drunk. We have been together 8 months.

I realise everyone has a past but this week I just can't stop thinking about it. It was really unexpected as especially as she is a police officer!

I really do think she is someone who has been browbeaten by her husband over many years but to be honest I wish I never knew now.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I have a cousin that was pushed into it by her first husband. I imagine the low self esteem she had from being sexually abused by her brother made for a simple transition into that lifestyle. She eventually got away from him and it and has never looked back. I say you keep learning about each other. Make sure that there are hard boundary's now.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Tough that she hid it from you for so long.

Would be a deal breaker for me. Hard to believe she'd not consider still doing it. The not sharing reference is very odd and is clearly subconcioous thought.

What happens when you aren't around, etc and she gets bored? If that's not your values, this is why you date to find these things out. 

Do you want to always have this in the back of your mind? This is why the past does sometimes matters and swinging is not a tiny thing. 

If you continue to see her and she sees other men, it's on you because you know the risk now. It's obvious this is not your values. That's a big deal. Buyer beware. My advice: RUN


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is not sharing you with anyone.

Well that's a good thing, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

No she says she doesn't want to do it. Hence the "No sharing". I don't think she wants to do it in the future. She has come across that she is catholic and would do anything her husband would say to stay together and avoid a divorce. That's what she says anyway.

I feel a bit jealous too but wouldn't necessarily want to go into that realm


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Wow! A practising Catholic 46 year old swinging lady cop for a girlfriend!

On a more serious note, ask her truthfully if there was any part of the swinging scene that she actually enjoyed. Its worth exploring as I don't completely buy into her husband made her do it.

Its possible that he coerced her (and if he was a cop too could be quite effective at it), but saying that as a Catholic who did it because she wanted to avoid divorce is a bit much - I am sure that there is something in the Catholic faith that says swinging ain't the right thing to do in a marriage ?!?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Yes she said she enjoyed it !


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

rumple9 said:


> Yes she said she enjoyed it !


Married & cop swinger who said she enjoyed it! I'd let this one get away. Eight months dating and not upfront with this previous lifestyle. I don't believe that the husband coerced her. She's a cop for Heaven's sake.

Get a girlfriend who has the same values as you. You regretted knowing her sordid past because it bothers you. Time to move on!


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

rumple9 said:


> No she only told me last weekend when we were both drunk. We have been together 8 months.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It can be difficult to know but on the other hand it shows that she really trusts you, drunken state aside.

I probably would wait awhile to tell someone something like that too


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Be careful to be gentle and thoughtful in your response to this revelation. If you have you see a glimmer or hope that you want to continue this relationship do not cop an attitude with her. For now just focus on how this has effected her views on being in a monogamous relationship. For now just tell her I don't want you to share me anyone and I want you not to want be to share you with anyone either. 

I am starting to read your past threads and will comment further.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Well OK she enjoyed it but does not want to share you. She also has a high sex drive (probably higher than yours). This does not bode well as it translates to "she likes playing with others (and needs to) but doesn't want you to".

How do you feel about swinging ?

And ask her what her definition is of monogamy ?

Also it might be useful to know how long she was swinging for and a very rough estimate of the number of sex partners she has been with. Also what all she got up to (kinky, multiples etc etc). You might be in for some more surprises.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Big red flag here buddy. It does not matter if her husband "made her do it". Women soon find out in ANY form of non monogamy that they are in total control. The men are like a buffet table, which is why a lot of men who stupidly talk their wives into this get more than they bargained for and there cannot put the genie back in the bottle. 

If she was in that lifestyle for any length of time she knows this and liked it. The $64000 question is, how does she get that high after more than 8 months with only you. Your statement that she said she does not want to share you did not say anything about not trying to have you not share her.

And you better find out if any of her friends that she still has or "girlfriends" are people she knew from back then . You need to open your eyes and start digging a little bit.

Not saying she is a "committed" swinger or polyamorous person, but she certainly has very recent memories of being the center of attention at these parties.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well this is what dating is all about. Discovering one another and seeing if you are a match. You will need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. You don't have to decide today, but eventually, and don't be like some who don't decide or let this fester...marry and then decide you are not ok with this. That's not fair to you or her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When someone says one thing but does another, what it means is they lack integrity. This woman is 46 but there's no way to really know who she is, what she really values or why. Without you making some offer of a lifetime exclusive commitment, it's a little premature for her to be talking about "sharing" or "not sharing" you. You aren't her property and neither of you are 18. Whether you end up ever poking some other woman (or man) has more to do with what you want than what she wants.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have my sympathy. I dated what I thought was a nice guy, who had a very placid demeanor and typical working-guy attitude. I thought his issues were maybe a bit of loneliness and wanting to get out to do things like kayaking and hiking, and eating more health, and learning how to cook. We started seeing each other and went on a date to church, he invited me to Easter at his sisters...

Next thing I know he is telling me he and his former wife were swingers (this explains the big 5-bedroom house they had built...no kids, no kids planned...except with his girlfriend who was his neighbor who wanted to have a kid with him...) He said his former wife was bi and that they moved to be closer to their neighbors whom they were both dating (swapping partners I think). It was all very weird. 

I think he had some kind of alcohol issue or was brain damaged from too much weird thinking. He was driven to get me into swinging. Quite honestly, I learned that a lot of these venues where people go to swing, you have to bring a committed partner along, there are rules. So there is a big motivation to get someone who will go with you. It is allowed, apparently, to just watch. 

The fact that your date is a police officer has nothing to do with anything.
People can say they are any faith they want, you have to figure out where they're at yourself.
If she was having sex with you outside of marriage it's likely she isn't taking her Catholicism very seriously.

My advice is to move on.
People who are deeply into that lifestyle, who engage in it while professing to be Catholic, and also who would wait 8 months before telling a date/partner/intimate partner are just not worth it. She pretty much stole you time, and more or less lied to you, although if you call her out on it she will say she did nothing wrong, never lied (except by omission, which usually does not count...) and that you are a prude, can't know anything because you never were in the situation, and you misunderstood what she said...beware people with any kind of addiction, including sex. It causes them to be very selfish, to lie, to manipulate, etc.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

I agree with the posters that have advised you to choose. 

Your 46 year old gf has a past (no surprise...we all do), but her past has some complexities that overlap your value system as well as the value system you perceived she has (which may be real or a facade). 

This requires a deep conversation.
Is her past still a part of her present?
Have her values changed? Is swinging something she would prefer to remain in the past (regardless of whether she enjoyed it or not)?
What kind of realtionship does she want now? with you?

What kind of relationship do you want?


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

If you can get past it mentally, I wouldn't break it off over this. Some men coerce their wives into doing things they may not otherwise do. If she is willing to be monogamous and can be happy with that, I would put the past in the past. Being HD doesn't mean this was her idea. Agree not to share each other. If she did this for her ex because she loved him, she may be someone who was just trying to please. Most would not ask for this, would not even be ok with it, but if it was for him, she may be a very giving, selfless person


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Rumple,

There are a few issues here. Some of which might not be important to you.

* the number of partners she has been with

* has she done girl-girl, she also might not consider it cheating.

* how many of the people from the swinging scene does she still know or see are they on her facebook for example

* can you stand going to a restaurant with her knowing the people at the next table might "know" her

* her threshold for cheating may be really lower I mean whats the difference between 300 partners and 301.

* did she swing with anyone she still works with

* while she say she does not want to share you , does that also mean she does not want to share herself. That comment from her leads me to believe she would like to swing for herself, but has fear she would lose you in the process.

* I've never been part of that life, but from what people have said it is addictive, if you have a small falling out will she revert?

One the whole I would leave the relationship based on the dishonesty of not telling you this before you became intimate.

Tamat


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## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

I'm not a swinger, but my understanding of swinging is that its not cheating. People on here should not be bashing somebody for being upfront with their bf/gf. If he has a problem with her past/lifestyle, then he can move on, but cheating is when somebody lies or is deceptive, not offering the truth.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

happydad said:


> I'm not a swinger, but my understanding of swinging is that its not cheating. People on here should not be bashing somebody for being upfront with their bf/gf. If he has a problem with her past/lifestyle, then he can move on, but cheating is when somebody lies or is deceptive, not offering the truth.


It is CHEATING with permission and it is the other things you mentioned. If someone in a relationship has sex outside of that relationship it is cheating whether deceptive, emotional through swinging or whatever it holds the same name...CHEATING.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Threeblessings said:


> It is CHEATING with permission and it is the other things you mentioned. If someone in a relationship has sex outside of that relationship it is cheating whether deceptive, emotional through swinging or whatever it holds the same name...CHEATING.


You seem confused.

Permission demonstrates knowledge and consent, whereas cheating demonstrates deception and a lack of consent.

If one tells their partner they are doing it and that partner consents to them doing it and or encourages such behaviour as well it certainly isn't cheating.

If you don't believe me, you ought to read a dictionary.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Taking eight months to tell you. Why so long ..


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Personal said:


> You seem confused.
> 
> Permission demonstrates knowledge and consent, whereas cheating demonstrates deception and a lack of consent.
> 
> ...


Thank you but I will not be reading a dictionary. It is common sense and besides the definition in the Oxford dictionary cheating is cheating whether is was discreet, with permission or an invitation it is just that...cheating. If you read the Bible it will help you understand more about infidelity.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There are many threads about people's pasts and whether they are obligated to tell their partners about them. I used to be in the camp of "yes, tell me everything, no secrets", but I've evolved to where, if it has no bearing on ones current relationship, then there's no need.

Besides, things like this tend to come out, anyway. Perhaps that's why she came forth with this information.

In any case, she chose to tell him about her past, drunken or not. She was upfront and honest, and bluntly told OP that she had no interest in this lifestyle with him.

I'm sure many of us have done things we wouldn't be terribly proud to admit to our partners and spouses. This doesn't mean we're required to tell them.

As for OP's girlfriend, something like swinging can be complicated. Perhaps she was more than happy to entertain that lifestyle while with her ex. And now she has no desire to do the same with somebody else. Once a swinger does not mean always a swinger. I'm under the impression that there are different reasons people enter this lifestyle, anyway. Some just like sex, period. Some get off on the fact that somebody else is doing their husband or wife. Some like to watch. Just a stab in the dark here, but it sounds like OP's girlfriend just likes sex, and had no problem with her ex being with other people. She feels differently about OP, and doesn't want to share him with anybody. That's not a bad thing.

That said, it's totally up to OP whether he can deal with this or not. TBH, I'm not sure I could if I were in his shoes. That's not because I have some sort of moral superiority, or think swinging is wrong. Personally, I just wouldn't want the mental pictures of my wife with numerous other people, swapping partners, 2 or 3 at a time, etc. I've asked my wife numerous questions about her past, long ago, but I've never asked if she's had a threesome. That's one question I don't want an answer to, if the answer is yes.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

There is no way I'd date a swinger. Nor would I date anyone who was previously in an open or poly relationship. I am monogamous and would only date someone who shared the same values. If she did it and enjoyed it, I suspect she will eventually feel trapped and bored with you. The idea of dating someone who has done that just makes me shudder.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you but I will not be reading a dictionary. It is common sense and besides the definition in the Oxford dictionary cheating is cheating whether is was discreet, with permission or an invitation it is just that...cheating. If you read the Bible it will help you understand more about infidelity.


At no point did I mention being discreet, deceit and being discreet are two very different things.

As to reading the bible, no thanks I'd rather not waste my time reading ridiculous fairytales that promote rape, polygyny, genocide, infanticide, slavery (including the sexual kind) and a bunch of other repugnant activities.
@rumple9 if you're not comfortable with your new girlfriend's revelations let her go.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

happydad said:


> I'm not a swinger, but my understanding of swinging is that its not cheating. People on here should not be bashing somebody for being upfront with their bf/gf. If he has a problem with her past/lifestyle, then he can move on, but cheating is when somebody lies or is deceptive, not offering the truth.




This is my thought as well. Her and her spouse went into swinging together, this isn't cheating as there was no deception.

That she even shared it is interesting but that she shared it as a way of letting you know you liked you and only you seems good to me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Personal said:


> At no point did I mention being discreet, deceit and being discreet are two very different things.
> 
> As to reading the bible, no thanks I'd rather not waste my time reading ridiculous fairytales that promote rape, polygyny, genocide, infanticide, slavery (including the sexual kind) and a bunch of other repugnant activities.
> 
> @rumple9 if you're not comfortable with your new girlfriend's revelations let her go.


Not everyone is a christian, as you mention. What is harder for people to understand is that not everyone associates love with sexual exclusivity. That is what responsible non-monogamy is about. In this case, the OP's girlfriend's husband was NOT responsible by coercing her into it. He gets the jerk points in my book, but I would have concern to ensure that she had learned to enforce her personal boundaries.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure it took a lot of coercion (if any). The OP has confirmed that his gf said she liked it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she sounds like a fwb type of girl.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

happydad said:


> I'm not a swinger, but my understanding of swinging is that its not cheating. People on here should not be bashing somebody for being upfront with their bf/gf. If he has a problem with her past/lifestyle, then he can move on, but cheating is when somebody lies or is deceptive, not offering the truth.


It's still adultry no matter how you slice it.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

As OP to answer some of the previous questions yes she has done some girl-girl. 

She dismissed it all as just being all about orgasms/pleasure and swinging is not something she particularly wants to do in the future as it was all driven/instigated by her ex-husband, but she said she is reluctantly open to doing it again to it if I really want to do it too but she said she was fearful it might split us up if I wasn't strong enough for the attention she would get.

She has spent the last few years living in Malaga, Spain with her Husband and only moved back to England last year following her split. Their split occurred because he was cheating behind her back on her for a long time before she discovered who.

From what I can gather their shenanigans was all in swingers clubs and she has no contact with other people she has been with. 

On the point of cheating, she told me initially she had been with her husband for 20 years (like me with my ex) and had never cheated on him. Then she eventually lets me know (8 months after we met) they were swingers so of course technically it is not cheating because she and her husband were consenting to having sex with others.

Like other posters have said we all have a past but I'm really confused, especially as she looks like butter wouldn't melt, she is Catholic, an ex-cop and a mum. Although she is the most sex mad girlfriend I've ever had I really don't think she would cheat on me though.

Like others have suggested cheating is an issue of consent


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