# Having a bad day



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I have posted before on here about the problems in my marriage the last few years so I won't get into everything. A few weeks ago I found out that my wife of almost 15 years has been having an affair for over a year with a friends of mine who I've known for almost 30 years. That was the last straw in everything and I told her I was done.

Since the confrontation, and of course her denial, things haven't been that bad. Because of our 7 year old son we have done our best to not make anything seem any different around the house since we haven't told him yet and don't plan on telling him until things are settled and I'm getting ready to move out. There has been some attitude back and forth from time to time but nothing any worse then there's been the last few years.

My wife's been away the last couple days at a conference so it's just been my son and I, and it's been great. He really is my world and I love the time we spend together, even if it is just watching him play Fornite, lol. Last night I had to work my second job so my son stayed at my parents for the night. While I was at work she texted me and then called me. I texted her back saying I couldn't talk and I was at work and she responded how she didn't want to talk to me and wanted to talk to him and to have him call her now. I texted again that he was at my parents and I was working again and I didn't hear from her again. Something about her attitude last night just made things hit me a little more for some reason. As much as we've gone back and forth on things, it has been civil and never really involved our son at all or ever brought him into the conversation.

Today she flies back and I'm dropping my son off to her at the airport and the two of them are flying to her parents. He has some time off right now between school and camp so he goes to spend some time with the grandparents. Every year that he goes I always get this same feeling, knowing he's not going to be around for a week and I won't get to see him everyday, but with everything else going on right now it's different. I keep thinking of how he'll be away from me for a week, and also how in a month or so that this is actually going to be the norm, one week with her then one week with me. As much as this will kind of be a good way to get myself adjusted to how things will be, it still just hurts. It kills me thinking about how much his life is going to change now, because of her actions, and how unfair it is to everyone involved. I know we'll all adjust and things will be ok, but the fact of how much all this is really going to effect him is just really getting to me today.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> I have posted before on here about the problems in my marriage the last few years so I won't get into everything. *A few weeks ago I found out that my wife of almost 15 years has been having an affair for over a year with a friends of mine who I've known for almost 30 years.* That was the last straw in everything and I told her I was done.
> 
> You do need to expose the affair to the other mans wife. Don't make the mistake of helping them hide it.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you made a decision. Many wallow in this limbo because they can't. Forge ahead fast and run a hard 180 no contact. You have a child but can still have a good NC boundary in place.

Sorry you're here.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> I have posted before on here about the problems in my marriage the last few years so I won't get into everything. A few weeks ago I found out that my wife of almost 15 years has been having an affair for over a year with a friends of mine who I've known for almost 30 years. That was the last straw in everything and I told her I was done.
> 
> Since the confrontation, and of course her denial, things haven't been that bad. Because of our 7 year old son we have done our best to not make anything seem any different around the house since we haven't told him yet and don't plan on telling him until things are settled and I'm getting ready to move out. There has been some attitude back and forth from time to time but nothing any worse then there's been the last few years.
> 
> ...


Feeling the same, maybe just a few weeks/months ahead of you right now in terms of process. I think you are going to find out, that your child will adapt and handle this better than we will in the early stages. That is what I am seeing. We told the kids (almost 11, 7) in the middle of April. She moved out over a week ago. Divorce will be final later this month and kids will have their first official overnight with Mom this upcoming Wednesday and be with her for 5 straight overnights, since it's her weekend in the rotation. We have a schedule were I always have overnights Monday and Tuesday, her Wednesday and Thursday and we rotate Weekends. 

The kids are borderline carefree to sort of excited about the 2 house situation, the new stuff, etc. Because it's new and because they really don't understand the impact yet but I have a feeling they will but the end result now. The kids are doing good. They don't know why the marriage ended yet, they just know it did and as for now, I'm ok with that because they are handling it well and that is what counts. There will be a time and place for everything and when they ask questions, I answer. I am taking it at their pace right now. I think they are handling it very well, as well, because there was no crossfire. There were no fights, no arguments in front of them, etc.

I feel you man, I feel the same. I'm dreading the 5 days without them coming up but I am going to drown myself in projects. I was able to keep the house and put it in my name only, if anything, it was a symbol of something I was able to stick a tent pole it and keep it for my kids. It's not daddy's house. It's our house. 

Guess, what I'm trying to say is that your kid may not suffer as much as we would have thought in the process, not, if they have two loving parents and are never used as a pawn. My STBXW put our family in a much different situation and way of life because of her actions but she does love our kids and I won't worry about their well being when they are over there. All I can do, is my best when they are with me. And in time, they will learn everything they need to know and I will continue to bring them up the way I was brought up, that integrity and sticking true to what you believe in are what matters most, even in the toughest of times and of course that we will all make mistakes but it's how we learn and move on from them that will measure our character.

Good luck Sir, if we stick to what we hold true, our kids will be good and so will we!


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> Feeling the same, maybe just a few weeks/months ahead of you right now in terms of process. I think you are going to find out, that your child will adapt and handle this better than we will in the early stages. That is what I am seeing. We told the kids (almost 11, 7) in the middle of April. She moved out over a week ago. Divorce will be final later this month and kids will have their first official overnight with Mom this upcoming Wednesday and be with her for 5 straight overnights, since it's her weekend in the rotation. We have a schedule were I always have overnights Monday and Tuesday, her Wednesday and Thursday and we rotate Weekends.
> 
> The kids are borderline carefree to sort of excited about the 2 house situation, the new stuff, etc. Because it's new and because they really don't understand the impact yet but I have a feeling they will but the end result now. The kids are doing good. They don't know why the marriage ended yet, they just know it did and as for now, I'm ok with that because they are handling it well and that is what counts. There will be a time and place for everything and when they ask questions, I answer. I am taking it at their pace right now. I think they are handling it very well, as well, because there was no crossfire. There were no fights, no arguments in front of them, etc.
> 
> ...


I've heard what you just said pretty much word for word from many others as well. He's a great kid and I know he'll be fine, but he's my boy, it's my job to worry about him and keep him safe, lol. I guess my biggest worry is what she'll tell him about the whole situation. Even with me still in the house now, she's already tried to use him as a pawn. Throughout all our problems, I've found out and even caught her lying to people making it seem as if all our problems are my fault as a way for her to look better. Her drinking is at an all time high, and she becomes very hateful towards me and very spiteful when she drinks. I guess I just really worry about her saying something to him that isn't true that would change what he thinks of me or how he looks at me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop !!!!! Your actions will tell him more. Plus hen he gets older you tell him the truth. Don't lie to your kid


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> I'm glad you made a decision. Many wallow in this limbo because they can't. Forge ahead fast and run a hard 180 no contact. You have a child but can still have a good NC boundary in place.
> 
> Sorry you're here.


Oh, I talked to the OM's wife the morning after I found out. I actually got more information about what had been going on from her confronting him then I did from my wife. She still denies anything ever happened other then them going out for drinks and venting about their marriages even though she knows I've seen the texts between them that prove otherwise.

Once things are settled, signed and I'm out of the house there will be a no contact, unless it's something about our son. There's pretty much been no talk between us since I found out, and that's been a cause of a lot of her attitude. She seems to live in this dream world where she can get everything she wants and play every side of the field with no repercussions. I know that she she can't handle everything on her own as far as our son, the house, the dogs that she wanted, and everything that goes along with that on her own. I actually look forward to watching it all come crashing down on her so I can just stand back and tell her "Well this is how you wanted it" LOL


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

AtmyEnd - IMHO, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!...She had the affair, she wants out of the marriage, she wants...she wants...she wants...me me me, followed up by I, I ,I...it would not be prudent from a legal standpoint for you to move out...Ask her to move out!!!....you will be on better legal ground STAYING in your home as it relates to your son (stays in the same neighborhood w/ his friends, goes to school in that district, etc...) 

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!...Now, its up to you how you want to handle this but at least may I suggest you do some research in your STATE on what the best move is...for me, it was to stay in our, now my home w/ the kids...

GO SEE AN ATTORNEY ASAP!!!...see what she/he has to say...do it while she's away!!! and fast...let work know you are going through a divorce so they are aware you may need some time off or can even refer you to an attorney for cheap...but do this now...STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT MY FRIEND...if she gets nasty, hope you have proof...b/c like I had to do, "I hate to see these facebook messages end up in your Mom or Dad's inbox..." OH YEA...

She is no longer your wife, let me guess she is a completely different person right?!?!...DO NOT TRUST HER...DO NOT BELIEVE HER...SHE IS NOT YOUR ALLY...NOT ANY MORE...the sooner you get that thru your head the better, I had to take 6 months to figure that out (was in the LIMBO stage of "we can work this out"). However, after I got that thru my head, I started thinking more clearly...

Get into counseling/therapy....THIS WEEK...to start to get your head straight...its a mind, body and soul thing...Get your mind focused on the task ahead...sorry, but it sounds like it might get nasty, if it does you have to be in the right mindset...again, she is NOT your friend...she is NOT your ally so, you must treat her that way....do a 180 on her, no texting, emails or phone calls (except when it relates to your son)...do NOT treat her disrespectfully and expect to be treated w/ respect...two way street...next, get some self help books...head into the book store and pick one up...make lists each and everyday ...these help you accomplish stuff you need to be doing and a sense of accomplishment after you have completed the list...make another list...forget that BS honeydolist, these are takecareofme lists now!!!...body, work out...run, exercise to help your body...soul, read the bible and pray...hang in there....this is just the beginning of a long journey...that you will be a better person at the end of while she lives in the past...hope this helps...


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

irish925 said:


> AtmyEnd - IMHO, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!...She had the affair, she wants out of the marriage, she wants...she wants...she wants...me me me, followed up by I, I ,I...it would not be prudent from a legal standpoint for you to move out...Ask her to move out!!!....you will be on better legal ground STAYING in your home as it relates to your son (stays in the same neighborhood w/ his friends, goes to school in that district, etc...)
> 
> DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!...Now, its up to you how you want to handle this but at least may I suggest you do some research in your STATE on what the best move is...for me, it was to stay in our, now my home w/ the kids...
> 
> ...


Well I am still in the house, for now. I've already told her that I don't plan on going anywhere until everything is settled and the papers are signed. I don't want the house and it would be financially tight for me to have the house on my own, so as long as she agrees to buy me out of my half then she can have it. If she doesn't, then we sell it and split the profits. Financially it would be better for me if she bought me out so that's what I want.

As far as husband, wife and the marriage being over, mentally I'm fine with all of that. Like I had said, it's a long story over the course of a few years, I've known that we would eventually end up getting a divorce and I have been ready for that. My only real problem with all of it is my son. I know in time he and I will both adjust to the situation and everything will be fine. But right now we don't want to tell him what's going on until the time that I am going to move out. It just hurts a lot when I think of how all this is going to affect him at the beginning.

I have been taking care of myself and my needs for a while now because I've know that most likely this was how things were going to end up. My finances are in order, pretty much everything is all set to make the move out easy, and I have been working out and have lost 60 lbs over the last 2 years. She keeps trying to get me to do things around the house other then the typical everyday stuff and I just blow it off, and sometimes tell her that there's just no reason for me to do something because I'm not going to be there much longer. She keeps playing the games, sometimes tries to use our son as a pawn in all this, but I just keep keep up with my attitude of how other than things relating to our son, it's no longer "us" and we lead two separate lives.

I really just started this post to vent a little since my son is now at my in laws house for a week since he's done with school and camp doesn't start until next week. It all hit me the day I started this post about how with him being away this week and her being away part of this week, that this is pretty much how things are going to be now. It was nice that he Facetimed with me a little while ago when he woke up and told me about the plane ride to grandma's and what they were planning on doing today, and how he'll call me later. As much as this all sucks and I miss him right now, I think this will help with the adjustment of things and get him in the habit of not seeing me everyday but being able to Facetime me and text me whenever he wants.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"But right now we don't want to tell him what's going on until the time that I am going to move out."

Just offering my 2 cents from my own situation. Once I started to get a better sense of the failed marriage and why it failed and that I had no control over it with my counselor. I started to shift my sessions to how I could help the kids and how to get them prepared for this, including the talk. It was very helpful, sort of like indirect counseling for them. 

The major thing before the talk was over a period of time, leading up to it, was to reinforce, just through normal conversations with them, the things that would not change. Oh, you like your school, well you will be going there for 4 more years. You like playing with your friends down the street? Just hammering home through normal conversations and building up a good base in their minds of things that WONT be changing. Then when the talk comes, you can talk about the things that will be changing.

I know you don't want to tell him until you have a better sense of how things are going to shake out, with house situation, timeline, etc but once you 2 have that, please make a plan to tell your son well before the split actually happens so there will be time for a transition and he will get used to the changes upcoming vs. hitting him with, welp, we are moving next week  

None of this should have happened, it sucks that it is, why can't our STBXWs just get it but that's thinking in rational and with logic and the sooner we can embrace that there's no logic that makes sense when it comes to this, the sooner we can continue on with our lives, in which we still control. As it has been said, do you best when you are with him, through actions, through showing him. No matter what is said, those actions over the years will be worth its weight in gold and show him what you are made of.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Stop !!!!! Your actions will tell him more. Plus hen he gets older you tell him the truth. Don't lie to your kid


Oh, I would never lie to him, but at the same time he doesn't need to know about everything. My thinking right now is when the time comes to tell him, we're both going to sit him down and give him the talk about how sometimes mommies and daddies need to live apart like some of his other friends and all that. I know that at some point after I move out he will start asking questions as to why I moved out, and I am going to tell him that mommy didn't want to be with daddy anymore. I'm not going to tell him why just yet, but when he asks I am going to let him know that this wasn't really my decision but his mother's. When he's older and can fully understand all of this, I will tell him what happened to cause all of this, but at 7 years old he doesn't need to hear how mommies a drunk who's legs start to spread with each drink she has, lol. She is a good mother and he loves his mommy, and unless she tries to turn him against me by telling him lies about us like she's done with other friends of mine, I want him growing up loving his mommy and looking at her as a young kid should look at their mother. When he's old enough and I know he can handle it and process it all correctly, he will be told what happened that caused all of this.

As far as my actions right now in front of him, I'm not doing anything for her or even really being nice to her. But I'm not going let him see me do or say anything to her that would in his eyes be seen as being mean to mommy. I want him to grow up learning what's right and what's wrong, I want him to grow up to be a man. After all of this is done I will still take him shopping for, and pay for, birthday presents, Christmas presents, Mother's day presents, flowers and whatever else for her. Why? Because it's the right thing to do for him. As much as what she did to me was wrong, he needs to be brought up and learn how to treat a woman the right way, because to me it's the right thing to do for him.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> "But right now we don't want to tell him what's going on until the time that I am going to move out."
> 
> Just offering my 2 cents from my own situation. Once I started to get a better sense of the failed marriage and why it failed and that I had no control over it with my counselor. I started to shift my sessions to how I could help the kids and how to get them prepared for this, including the talk. It was very helpful, sort of like indirect counseling for them.
> 
> ...


Well I am hoping to have a "transition time". As much as I've already met with attorney's about all this, she wants to go the mediator route and we're meeting with the mediator for a consultation this Wednesday. Things have been civil between us and I'm hoping that they stay that way. I have already found a couple apartments in our neighborhood, one of which is around the block from two of his friends. What I'm hoping for is that once we are set with our situation, we will tell him what's going on and how things are going to be, and then because of how much stuff I have, lol, I will slowly transition into the apartment. Basically what I would like to do is stay in the house as I'm moving my things to the apartment and not "officially" move out until the apartment is all set up. That way he can slowly get a grasp on what's happening and not just see me walk out with all my stuff one day, and at the same time I want my apartment set up so that the first time, basically a week after I move out, that he comes to stay with me, that he's coming into a home and not an messy apartment with things all over the place or half furnished.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Ok so now I have a question, lol. Anyone who has been following my past threads and have read this one knows everything that's been going on over the years and that the divorce is finally happening. About a week after I found out about my wife's affair and told her our marriage was over, one of the things that kind of scared me a little was "what now?". I've been married for close to 15 years and with her for almost 18, I've been out of the dating world for a long time, lol.

When I found out about the affair and saw the texts between the two of them, I also saw texts between her and 2 other men. There have also been other things that have happened or have been said since then that point to the fact that she is currently seeing other people, which I kind of don't doubt. Now I know she's not seeing the man she got caught in the affair with since I text with his wife pretty regularly since all this happened and know that he never leaves the house and has been doing nothing except coming home from work, watching TV in the basement and falling asleep. But it is fairly clear that the chances of her seeing someone else right now are pretty good. Now granted I don't really care all that much at this point but I still think it's kind of messed up that she would be continuing this behavior during the time period between getting caught and at least our "official" separation.

Now here's the thing, I started an account on an online dating site recently. Basically I started it because I haven't been in the dating pool for so long and wanted to see what's out there, what to expect, and if I still got it, lol. Needless to say it's been fairly interesting so far with some of the women I've chatted with on the site, some good, some just outright bizarre. But two days ago I started chatting with someone, one of the first women that I initiated the conversation with, and actually really hit it off with her. As we went back and forth we both realized that we actually have a lot in common and our views on things are very similar, and I really have been enjoying chatting with her. So yesterday after noon we were talking about our plans for the night and again, she was doing something with her kids that I do do with mine and that I used to do as kid myself. When she told me, I told her how I take my son to the same place and have been going there since I was kid and I joked about how we're like the same people. She agreed and thought it was funny too, I had to go so I told her that I'd talk to her soon and left my number for her. I didn't say to call me or text me, I just left the number and figured I'd see what happened.

Well later last night she texted me. We went back and forth about how our nights were and what we were doing and it was really nice. Earlier when she had told me where she was going, I told her she should stop in somewhere because that's where I always went and I loved the place. While we were texting she told me how they didn't go there because her kids wanted to go somewhere else. So I responded to something else she had said and then told her that since she didn't end up going to the one place, that maybe I'd have to take her there sometime. I honestly couldn't believe I said that but it actually felt really good, and what made it feel even better was that she said that would be fun. Now I never said when we would go or set anything up but we chatted a little longer about other things and said goodnight.

So now the question is, am I really wrong for any of of this? Is it too soon to start dating considering I'm not officially divorced yet? I really have mixed feelings about all this since I didn't expect to meet someone and hit things off so well almost right away. I set up the account kind of as a way to prep myself for when everything with my divorce was done and I was ready to start my new life. Now I have no expectations of what will happen with this woman but we really did hit it off, and I really do want to meet her and see what happens. I guess with everything else going on this really has just taken me by surprise, but in a good way. And now I'm just rambling so I'll stop, but I would like a little feed back on all this.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey AtMyEnd - I got to ask...what was the online dating site? I too thought about doing this but held off b/c I wanted to work on myself for a while before I started putting myself out there. I wanted to work on my issues, I want to bring as limited amount of baggage into my next relationship. So, I am holding off till my divorce is finalized - but hey thats just me...

Too be honest, you are hurting right now and jumping into another relationship would not be prudent...but thats just my humble opinion. I understand having a "female" support you thru this is a great feeling and one that I have to admit I am a little envious...but it just goes to show...YOU STILL GOT GAME!


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

BTW - this thread starts off w/ "Having a bad day" and ends with AtMyEnd getting a hook up...wow...just freaking wow!!!...talk about extremes...rub some of that stuff around AtMyEnd...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Please try to listen for a second....

These emotions are normal. As bad as your wife was, you cared for her, that gets way better BTW, and it is hard to stop. 

In the quiet moments, you start to think and rethink. It is normal. 

Your family will not be the same but you will be better and brother you deserve it. Be the great dad that you are and things will work out. 

And remember, while he is gone, it give you time to have drinks or dinner with that girl, and as everyone has told you, it is ok. You did your time, you tried, you stayed longer than you should have, you gave it your all. 

We all, men for sure, have to realize that things don't work out. Your wife did not love you, she has been cheating for years, you did all you could.

Hold your head high, take a deep breath... that scent that you don't recognize is the smell of a new, happier life. 

Look, brother I have been there, hell... We are having issues with my youngest right now, and my Beotch of an EX is continuing to lean on me for emotional support. I thought she had a new boy friend for that. 

As a matter of fact, my ExW, and to ex GF's have contacted me this week needing help with something. I don't mind the Ex GF's so much, but my EX W needing me makes me want to puke...

So, point is, enjoy you time alone, breath, visualize your happiness, it will come. 

Another life example from my world, GF stayed over last night, we made love most of the night and held each other all night long. THAT is what is waiting for you... Happiness.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Be careful of rebounds it can just cause more pain but everyone is different. In any event take it slow.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

"Another life example from my world, GF stayed over last night, we made love most of the night and held each other all night long. THAT is what is waiting for you... Happiness."

Unbelievable...truly awesome! Its like its raining p^ssy for you BluesPower...if you could, rub some of that luck around will ya bud...you got brothers around here that could use a little "Happiness"


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

irish925 said:


> "Another life example from my world, GF stayed over last night, we made love most of the night and held each other all night long. THAT is what is waiting for you... Happiness."
> 
> Unbelievable...truly awesome! Its like its raining p^ssy for you BluesPower...if you could, rub some of that luck around will ya bud...you got brothers around here that could use a little "Happiness"


I know you are joking, and yes I have had a lot of luck with the ladies. 

But dude, finding the right woman, I mean the woman, I would give all of the others back to have met her 10 years ago. 

True love, well, there is nothing like it...


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

AMEN...and yes, I was j/k...

True love - And have you found it? Sounds like you have - "True love, well, there is nothing like it..."...or maybe had...which one is it?


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

Actions speak louder than words


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