# Very sad



## SAD TEXAN (Mar 14, 2011)

Hello, first time to post, I know i am different because i am crying while i type this, i am 51 years old and hardly ever cry, '
my wife is making me think she is ,or was having an affair,or cheated, here is the story
married 15 years, 3 wonderful kids,house in the country, all the regular stuff, nothing weird, straight , no drugs or lots of alcohol. always tried to be a good husband, affectionate, cuts the yard , helps out around the house, and my boys tell me I can fix anything....We both have great jobs that pay pretty good.
I am telling you all of this first bcause, you might think i didnt try,or im a freak or something, I am just old fashioned in some ways,i thought i was supposed to take care of her forever,
My wife is beautifull, I am 51 she is 42 and i thought it would never matter of our age.
I noticed many things over the years but just dismissed them, like slowly her affection was getting less and less,after the boys were born, she was only married once before, right out of school, and that is what is bothering me, i think she didnt get to sow her oats.
Her it is so far, she started in a buisness like AVON but a lot more competitive, I was behind her all the way, she started going to these parties or meetings, they have, and told me one day they might let her go to LAS VEGAS if she has enough points by then,something told me they would, and they did....i really didnt want her to go, since she was going with all single girls,and it was her first time there,but the trust was there so i sent her off...........

First night she didnt call me till 4:00AM our time, i had the boys and they were all aspleep, I got very upset that i didnt even deserve a call to say hello or I LOVE YOU, i didnt blow up till she told me she couldnt use her phone,it didnt work in the place, so i asked if she used anybody elses phone, she told me" i tried 5 different phones and all of theres didnt work either", then i asked if she thought about maybe using the house lobby phone, she said she didnt think about it, so i asked what was worng with her phone, she told me that battery was dead, i said didnt you plug it in? ,she told me the 450.00 a night room she and the girls were in ,all the power outlets on the walls didnt work...............SERIOUSLY?????
When she came home she was clearly different....texting ALL the time,so i started checking, i know it sounds bad, but i have too much invested in this, my boy was sick one morning and i was worried about him going to school he is 8yrs. old, she didnt call me at all that morning and when asked about it she became defensive, and i was told , I was going through a school zone, ok i said how about after that??, she said i was getting gas, Ok how about after that?, she said in the 35 minute drive to her work she didnt think about it, the text bill clearly shows texts to her girlfriends to and from ,and 2 phone calls form other girls i just wanted to know how my first born was doing.
she has that damm phone connected to her at all times she goes in the bathroom with it ,she clears all the messages, but i still check on the bill and the calls are from her 4 sisters,and all girls ,that I know as her friends, 
She went to a party one night for the buisness , and i asked if she drank, she said there was no alcohol served at all, when she took the camera , i asked to see the party, and she ACTUALLY deleted pictures right before handing it to me, and told me .wait i need to delete some pictures.....
i know you are thinking WTF..but I got a program that can pull pictures off of a sd card, even deleted, the pictures were bad lighting and of her friends all huddled together, nothing bad, they WERE drinking.
My 5 year old was sick one night and i went to kiss her before i went out in the rain to get the medicene, she pulled away, and told me MAN ,I didnt know i had to kiss you every 5 minutes
When i see her in the kitchen sometimes I get so excited even after 15 years, that i go to hug her, she pulls away and tells me i am trying to tickle her,but I am not....so i just go away
Sex is still there but it got to the point that she just flopped down on the bed like go a head and take it, believe me ,i am a romantic, i give her massages, we used to bubble bath, i get her small stupid trinkets at the store sometimes,in which she states you dont need to buy me anything,i MAKE SURE WHEN WE MAKE LOVE, EVERYTIME ,THAT SHE IS SATISFIED FIRST ..EVERYTIME, AND MOST TIMES TWICE.
She hardly calls me anymore at work, makes up all kind of excuses.....it really hurts.....

I am a pretty good dancer ,and we go out dancing , the other night ,she promptly sat down at a table kinda on the other side , like she was a date, I tried to not make up something out of it, but after she had a few drinks she told me to go dance with someone else, that she didnt mind.. I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE I ONLY LIVE FOR HER....

She is not a prude ,but doesnt like wild things about sex,
the other night she went to a slumber party, that is one of those parties that sell the sex toys, i was supprised when she told me she wanted to go, it was for our neighbor and she is a sweet girl, so she went , came home told me they just all talked ,nothing happened, and she didnt buy anything, found out they all the girls held a huge rubber penis between there legs and swing it to each other and they have to catch it, the next day she asked me to clean her car out and under the seat was edible lotions and cremes that she bought, i know i should be estatic, but why the lies?????
Second party was just last weekend, she told me she would be home in a bout 10 minutes they were wrapping it up, 1 hour later she came home, i know she was there ,you can see her car from our house it is that close, she told me she bought some bubble bath, NO PROBLEM,the next day , she told me we spent wat to much money on gas that weekend, so i went on the bank acoount, and saw charge for the party for 55.00$$$
No way am i spending 55.00 for bubble bath, but i guess she didnt see the reciept in the bottom of the bag, it had 2 more products purchased that wasnt in the bag, when i asked her about it, she told me that they must have made a mistake, so I askes her where the stuff is..it wasunder her sink in the bathroom in the back hidden, it was not in the bag witht hebubble bag, she had hid this stuff, one thing is a GAG creme, please forgive me ,but, she told me it can also be used for ME when i brush my teeth , sometimes , when cleaning my tongue I gag cause i stick the toothbrush too far, that is what she told me she bought it for ........PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
So now I am seeing a consuler for trust issues, she wanted me to go,... after 3 days ,I showed all of this i have told you to him, and he believes she is cheating or has cheated.......
After i told her about him ,she wants me to quit him and get another psycologist.
I am told by her now me and the boys have to give her 5/10 minutes when she comes in the door at night from work, we cant rush up and kiss her ask her about herday, my 5 year old does not understand why he has to wait, as do I

Please forgive me for bad spelling........
here is what i want , i want a wife who loves me and is happy to hear from me, likes going out, eating out, staying home, watching movies,truly loves me and our boys, and puts us FIRST, doesnt mind being held, or hugged 2 0r 3 times a day, or likes being told how charged up i get when I see her sometimes. 
After 15 years she is the sexiest woman in the world, i am devoted and have never cheated, but i am losing my mind, let me know what you think, could this ALL be trust issues, or is she not conducting herself in a proper way???, could thiss all be coincidence like she tells me???? i dont want to lose my life and my wife. Someone please help


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## GRNY98 (Apr 28, 2010)

Sounds to me like you are in a bit of a rut. I also have 3 children, work a ton and do a ton of work at home as well, dishes...cleaning, cooking, kids stuf etc etc...I have my outlet and try to make sure I adhere to it as much as possible. It does not sound to me like you have your OWN thing to do, your OWN set of time and fun. It is natural I think to feel upset, lost and untrusting when you are home with the sick kids scraping snot off the floor when your loved one is out whooping it up. Listen my friend before it gets crazy, you obviously love your wife...but you need "alone time", go find some buds ot play poker, go joina gym, go socialize at the sports bar for a few hours. but talk to her, define the "free zone" time, times where you can be reached but would rather you send a note while you are out letting your loved one know that all is ok. Come up for some air my friend and enjoy life or you will all suffocate.


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## SAD TEXAN (Mar 14, 2011)

Thank you my friend for that, i used to go to the GYM 3 times a week, when we got married ,i was VERY BIG, she liked it, after she married me she didnt want me working out any more, so i thought it was the thing to do to adhere to your spouses wishes, so i quit........


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Texan,

The current path you're on is not a good one. I can tell you there's a dead end up ahead with a big cliff. Either keep charging ahead and plunge into that cliff, or try to make some positive changes.

It seems like your wife has changed a little and you don't like it. So you've started questioning everything she does, always checking up on her, going all detective mode, etc. You're turning into her father more than her husband (not good).

Think about how teenage girls respond to their parents trying to control them. Does the father's strict rules effectively control the teenager? Well, maybe sometimes, but most of the time the girl changes into her wild clothes once she's away from home, she still sees the boy her dad doesn't like, and she sneaks out of the house and comes home late. I think you're going about this all wrong - you don't want to turn into the enemy because despite the movie title, most women don't sleep with the enemy.

She may be having a mid-life crisis, but your wife is trying to tell you something. I don't know exactly what it is, but your best bet is to talk to her. Establish that the two of you are on the same team and you want to trust her and treat her like a partner, not a child. Establish some boundaries that you both agree on and agree to being able to be honest with each other at all costs. 

When my wife goes out, I tell her, "Have a good time. Don't worry about us, you need time to relax and have fun." One time she went out with a new friend and they drank way too much and she came home vomiting and I had to stay home and watch the kids instead of going to work. So I was understandably very upset and told her about it and she felt sorry. She'd made a mistake, so I communicated that I didn't want to lose my trust in her to made good decisions. She respected my right to be upset with her and she's never done that again.

I think your wife is a little bored with her life and wants to have more fun. So go have fun with her. Do something you haven't done in ages - maybe go to an outside concert or go on an out of town family weekend trip.

Y'all seem to disagree on alcohol. Are you against it completely because of religion? Did she used to be against it too? You trying to control her and snooping isn't going turn her around. Have a discussion on it, agree on some boundaries, and then trust her to follow through. 

People will usually act in a way that is consistent with others' expectations of them and their established value system. Your currently acting like you expect her to disappoint you and lie to you, so she's just trying to be more stealthy. Tell her one of the things you've always loved about her is she has integrity, she's faithful, and she right thing most of the time, and maybe she'll see herself in that light and try to preserve that image by being faithful and honest and having integrity.


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## SAD TEXAN (Mar 14, 2011)

(I think your wife is a little bored with her life and wants to have more fun. So go have fun with her. Do something you haven't done in ages - maybe go to an outside concert or go on an out of town family weekend trip)
Sounds good, about taking her somewhere, we went to 
San antonio to an art show bought 4 paintings,last weekend 
Go dancing almost each weekend, 
Go on a weekly date night
Suprise her with lunch at her work ,outside near the water
Get her the flowers i got her on our first date ,each anniversary.
Tell her i love her each and every day
Compliment her the way she looks
Her family loves me and we always go there and see them
We have neighbor hood BBQ's once a month ,(I cook)
Our kids are in GT classes, 
I am a volunteer for the Cub Scouts for my boys
I make and design the art sets for the school plays when they need them her idea
I help build the houses for the homeless,her organization
Built my sons the best tree house in our neighborhood
Honeymooned in ARUBA
yearly trips to Cancun
just got back from Cozemel 2 months ago
Took the kids to Disney Florida
Concerts??? Def Lepored evertime they are here, country, pop,soul
So with all do respect i see why you would think I am am the one at fault, since i am a couch potato
and i have talked to her , she replied NOTHING is going on.
My boys notice something is different, i told them mommy is fine she sometimes doesnt feel good.


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## GRNY98 (Apr 28, 2010)

When I turned 40 I lost it a bit as well, I think it will pass.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

SAD TEXAN said:


> So with all do respect i see why you would think I am am the one at fault, since i am a couch potato
> and i have talked to her , she replied NOTHING is going on


Wow, now I feel like couch potato. My apologies - your original post made me think you were a home body for some reason. I stand corrected. But don't disregard my whole post because I was wrong about you not having fun together.

I'm not saying you're at fault. I'm just saying that there may be a better way to handle this.


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