# Work and husbands...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Would this annoy you? H works for himself in the trades, when he works he makes great money however there is often weeks in between jobs. For example, he was off in November for about 4 weeks, then he worked for a week in December and then off for two weeks between Xmas and New years and still there is nothing lined up as of yet possibly not until early February.

I guess to me there is something about coming home everyday and you know he has not done much other than watch tv and play games on the computer....that irritates me. I have mentioned this to my sister and she says yeah that would irritate me as well....

Like I said he does make good money for someone who essentailly works about 6 months out of the year so the money aspect is fine..it is the thing of him jsut hanging around all day.

Ladies, is it just me or would it irritate you as well? Maybe I am just being ultra *****y about it. We do not have young children so that is not an issue. 

Maybe I need an attitude adjustment....he says he does not get why I find it so irritating. I get his rational about why get a monday to friday job because essentially what he makes in a week as a contractor it would take him at least a month to earn that same amount working for someone else. 

Anybody else have a self employed spouse?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add that when he works he works out of town and stays at camps, etc.

I am very used to him working out of town as he has been doing it for years and honestly I find it easier when he is out of town..meals are easier/my routine is easier to stick to, etc. This was brought up in MC a few years ago and the MC said that she often hears that from women that when their husbands are back in town it is like a disruption of their routine.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My questions for you are...

Why (and how) does it affect you that he's taking it easy on his down time?

Why, if you're envious of his down time, don't you get a job with a similar schedule?

Does he get caught up on his "blue tasks" when he's back in town?

Has he always had this type of job?

When he's out in the field, he's probably working long days, no days off, can't sleep in his own bed or play with his own "toys", can't see his friends or family. So when he gets back, he catches up on all that. 

Having said all that... There's a reason why oilfield workers (and similar jobs) have a high rate of divorce and infidelity... Maybe you need to think long and hard about your boundaries. Especially future boundaries before you have kids. If you're frustrated now, wait till you're a single mom for half the year, and the other half he's disrupting the routines you've set up to make things work. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It wouldn't worry me if my SO had so much free time, but it would irk me if he used _all_ that time mindlessly watching TV and playing games. Whilst there's nothing wrong in watching a little TV and playing a few games every so often, I prefer to be with someone who uses their free time wisely - pursuing a hobby, exercising and improving their mind (reading, studying etc).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> It wouldn't worry me if my SO had so much free time, but it would irk me if he used _all_ that time mindlessly watching TV and playing games. Whilst there's nothing wrong in watching a little TV and playing a few games every so often, I prefer to be with someone who uses their free time wisely - pursuing a hobby, exercising and improving their mind (reading, studying etc).


:iagree: Exactly.

If he's at home that much I would expect him to be keeping the house up, doing the shopping, running the kids around, all those supposedly 'womanly' things that SAH parents/spouses do. Does he do them?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He has gotten better...at least when I come home the kitchen has been cleaned up somewhat and the dishwasher turned on. Believe me from a few years ago that is a great improvement. If there is snow to shovel of course he does that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree: Exactly.
> 
> If he's at home that much I would expect him to be keeping the house up, doing the shopping, running the kids around, all those supposedly 'womanly' things that SAH parents/spouses do. Does he do them?


:iagree: This was be a given!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

highwood said:


> Would this annoy you? H works for himself in the trades, when he works he makes great money however there is often weeks in between jobs. For example, he was off in November for about 4 weeks, then he worked for a week in December and then off for two weeks between Xmas and New years and still there is nothing lined up as of yet possibly not until early February.
> 
> I guess to me there is something about coming home everyday and you know he has not done much other than watch tv and play games on the computer....that irritates me. I have mentioned this to my sister and she says yeah that would irritate me as well....
> 
> ...


Hahah. Your husband sounds like ME! And when I do work it's usually telecommute and I own my time for the most part. 
Yep, I go through weeks or even months when I don't work, am fiscally responsible and love to kick back and watch movies, take care of personal projects, go to a fencing class or skiing, whatever. 

The most difficult part of this fantastic lifestyle where you know you are good at what you do and there has never been any trouble with work finding you when you need it or want it? What other people think of you and how irritated they are at how much more money you could make if you would only get your act together...when in fact, you have busted b*tt in younger years to acquire the skills and expertise and reputation needed to relax and life your life humanely and not working like a dog...i.e. having your act together. 

Sigh. Raising my bottle/glass to your husband. 
Give the guy a break, if he's fiscally responsible let him own his own time. Humans are not machines, they are not put on this earth to be productive or to fulfill someone else's idea of what that other person would be doing if only they were in his/her shoes. 

Nothing worse than someone with a 9 to 5 job wanting a person who has figured out how to be free in this life, to also have a 9-5 M-F job. 

I also love the looks I get when someone says they're going to stop by for whatever purpose they have in mind, and I tell them I have work scheduled that day and time...they act like I can just accommodate them, because in their mind my time doesn't belong to anyone. Well it does, it belongs to me, and if I've scheduled myself to work and am ready to go to it, not going to reschedule just because someone thinks I can.

Also, my ex used to go nuts when he was treating me badly, he would come home at odd hours to try to "catch" me cheating on him or whatever...chances were I was vacuuming, or working, or cooking or something. But, honestly, having your time monitored or someone being upset cause you didn't want to chat or IM while working...when in fact they're at their job...sad, sad, sad. 

Truth is, a lot of relationships between 9 to 5 people and the self-employed don't work out very well. Usually it's because of a general lack of respect for boundaries and limits. So it's possible those relationships wouldn't have worked to begin with, who knows.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> He has gotten better...at least when I come home the kitchen has been cleaned up somewhat and the dishwasher turned on. Believe me from a few years ago that is a great improvement. If there is snow to shovel of course he does that.


But is he doing what you would expect that he do? Because it sounds like he isn't. He should also be preparing meals - or do you still have to cook when you get home?

Do you work full time?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Homemaker-Numero_Uno
> 
> I also love the looks I get when someone says they're going to stop by for whatever purpose they have in mind, and I tell them I have work scheduled that day and time...they act like I can just accommodate them, because in their mind my time doesn't belong to anyone. Well it does, it belongs to me, and if I've scheduled myself to work and am ready to go to it, not going to reschedule just because someone thinks I can.


This reminds me of someone who was really hacked off at a friend who worked from home and refused to look after her kids when the babysitter was ill! It was a case of "She's at home anyway, and she'd see me lose a day at work rather than watch my kids for me!"

My SO works from home and, because he's his own boss, there are some who think he can just drop everything at a moment's notice to do XY or Z for them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Hahah. Your husband sounds like ME! And when I do work it's usually telecommute and I own my time for the most part.
> Yep, I go through weeks or even months when I don't work, am fiscally responsible and love to kick back and watch movies, take care of personal projects, go to a fencing class or skiing, whatever.
> 
> The most difficult part of this fantastic lifestyle where you know you are good at what you do and there has never been any trouble with work finding you when you need it or want it? What other people think of you and how irritated they are at how much more money you could make if you would only get your act together...when in fact, you have busted b*tt in younger years to acquire the skills and expertise and reputation needed to relax and life your life humanely and not working like a dog...i.e. having your act together.
> ...


That's all well and good, but do you spend your time neglecting what NEEDS to be done to do what you WANT to do?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> That's all well and good, but do you spend your time neglecting what NEEDS to be done to do what you WANT to do?


I do as little as possible, which probably means I'm neglecting what someone would think needed to be done, if there were someone. For instance, I wash bedding maybe once a month at most, I sometimes wash dishes every other day, I'm more likely to get rid of unnecessary furniture than dust it, and a bill that needs to be paid but still has a couple weeks til due can just sit there. I'm better off washing the kitchen ceiling when I'm in the mood and whyI clean the car off if the snow is going to melt off of it before I might even need to use it? Laundry can pile up til I have a full load and the sun is shining enough to make it worth hanging up. 

But there are some people who operate on Fly Lady, IF things can be clean and looking like a showcase every day then they must must must. 

FWIW if there's something edible in the fridge, why cook more? Nobody's going to starve to death or die. But yah, if the toilet needs fixing, I'm going to fix it. But other things can wait til I feel like it. There's nothing like being told that a want is a need, and being pushed up against the wall to accede to someone else's standards.

So what are we talking about that needs to be done?
Anything life threatening?

I went to the movies yesterday. As it turns out it was the last showing of a movie I wanted to see that will probably never be on Netflix. So I went.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> This reminds me of someone who was really hacked off at a friend who worked from home and refused to look after her kids when the babysitter was ill! It was a case of "She's at home anyway, and she'd see me lose a day at work rather than watch my kids for me!"
> 
> My SO works from home and, because he's his own boss, there are some who think he can just drop everything at a moment's notice to do XY or Z for them.


Get this, my kids day care used to call me to bring more diapers, clean clothes, etc. for my daughter on an emergency basis even though my kids' dad and I had shared custody and her dad had dropped her off and was picking her up. They claimed it was because I was closer and that it was abusive of me not to go (even though I was programming from home ON THE CLOCK for a client.) I sent them a copy of the custody agreement and said do not call me on my non-custody days unless there is a bona fide emergency, and if her dad isn't dropping off enough clothes and food and diapers for her then document that it is abusive and I'll be happy to file for full custody. Their response: What kind of mother am I? Ummmmmm, no word about the dad, apparently he was "working" because he was at an office? My client? Harvard U. And making twice an hour what disorganized dad was. LOL! :rofl: F*ck that.

FWIW still working from home, even more awesome clients/research partners, and have near to full custody of my kids...we are done with day cares and others who don't "get" the working from home thing. My kids understand when I'm working that I need minimum interruptions, they are much better at their dad and others at respecting the work, I can set up in the great room at our dining table and have awesome train of thought. My kids are same way, they do their homework in public area of home, we just learn to respect each other when concentrating...is a good skill to have in life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you think that perhaps the problem lies with her definition of need vs want, vs his definition? That could be part of it.

I am curious to hear whether he does ANY of the household duties or if he still leaves them all up to her to do.

Also, maybe whether it's a case of him just not living up to her standards when/if he DOES do anything.

Because, really, if all he does is sit in front of the TV or computer, he is NOT doing what NEEDS to be done.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I have a friend who works in mining camps and only free time he has is when he is home for maybe 7 days. Every time he goes home there is a laundry list of home improvements to be accomplished, and requests for money and no sex (for last 16 years.) He is not married, but partnered. Guess who is packing up his stuff and leaving? 

Unless a person has expressed an interest in keeping house, if a spouse/partner sets up a house and invites another person to spend time there together, aside from keeping one's own stuff together, there should not be any implied domestic responsibilities just by virtue of presence. All chores or whatever should be discussed and agreed upon. In my experience, one person or the other seems to think that sleeping in the same bed and using the potty means that everyone shares equally in everything else. 

I refuse to live with someone who thinks I'm going to scrub their toilet and vacuum their floors for any reason other than I feel like it. And if I ever move in with someone, I will be sure to discuss the sharing of chores with them. 

In the past, I have simply made a list of the common chores I was doing that were necessary to keeping a house with children in it (that belonged in part to the other person) and presented a bill for their half, or the option of taking over for the next 6 months...bill was paid. No problem, no quarrel. I hired a housekeeper with the money and put my feet up a bit and continued on with my paid work. Partner continued to go out kayaking and what not. It's just about the only thing he ever did in our relationship that I thought was very cool. No argument, just a check and acknowledgement that it seemed fair enough and a valuation of how he wanted to spend his time and income.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No I do the grocery shopping and meal preparation. I do not have too much problem with those because lots of time we are not sure what we are having for supper until I get home from work anyway.

Like I said there is a huge improvement from a couple of years ago...it still burns me when he got back from Singapore in August 2011 and unbeknownst to me was having an EA with someone he met and he did absolutely nothing around the house. He has gotten better but that was because that came out in MC. 

I am going to try and cut him some slack..I think sometimes I have to admit my *****iness is not exactly making him want to be home. I guess I still have some anger still from his EA. He has always been a decent provider. I don't know I think I have to control my snippiness around him somewhat.


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