# Wife cannot choose between me and TOM



## desperateandlost (Dec 19, 2009)

My situation is similar to showtimes situation so anyone who is familiar with his thread will know whats going on with my relationship. There are a few differences here. TOM is well established with a career and two children of his own and a large house and a very decent income so I am very threatened by him because he earns quite a bit more than I do even though I think that It shouldn't matter when it comes to love. I think the major difference is that I used to be very damaged by a previous relationship and I took out alot of my internal anger on my W. This very unfortunately includes physical abuse of which I have dealt with and have no wish to ever exhibit again. But I'm fairly sure that this was the straw that broke her back. I also agreed that I did not want to work on the relationship back in Sep. before I came to the realization of what I was about to lose by being so stubborn and uncaring. Since then I've been doing massive amounts of work on myself to better my relationship with me and I've gotten very positive results. I haven't been this comfortable with myself in years, but I desperately want to keep my marriage together. The stagnance of progress is starting to get to me though. I see nothing else that I can do to win her back except to just keep working on myself to be that person that she wants to be with because I know that I cannot control what she does or what she wants. Any advice?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

May I ask a few pertinent questions?

1) I see that you had anger issues and were physically abusive to your W. This is a very big red flag and under normal circumstances I would have advised her to leave and go to safety to give you the chance to work on yourself in counseling, etc. My question is this: What have you done to ELIMINATE your physical violence and anger? Have you done a year of anger management? How about specific counseling for anger issues? Please tell us about that aspect specifically (although somewhat anonymously of course).

2) You wrote: _"I also agreed that I did not want to work on the relationship back in Sep. before I came to the realization of what I was about to lose by being so stubborn and uncaring."_ Would you say this was the way you contributed to the environment where your wife was vulnerable to an affair? Can you tell us a little more about this please?

3) You wrote: _"I desperately want to keep my marriage together. The stagnance of progress is starting to get to me though. I see nothing else that I can do to win her back except to just keep working on myself to be that person that she wants to be with because I know that I cannot control what she does or what she wants."_ What does your wife say SHE wants? Do you see her at all? How do you two act together? Do you think she feels safe with you?


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## desperateandlost (Dec 19, 2009)

I was angry with myself because in my previous relationship I was TOM, and I was very much in love with this woman. She divorced her husband for me and 7 months later dropped me and went back to her husband. It all happened so suddenly that it absolutely devastated me. I was really mad at myself because I should have never gotten into a relationship at all with this woman. I harbored and would not let go of this anger despite all the love my current wife was showing me. I would not let her into my heart because I was scared to death of being hurt again. Alcohol was involved in the abusiveness. Both of us had been drinking and both of us no longer drink and I have since let go completely of my internal issues. It felt like an anchor falling off of my back and I feel normal again. But I do feel like just when I'm back to my old self, my wife who I truly love more than anything is out the door now, before I could even show her how much love for her I have in me. I attended no classes though. But honestly, I'm not angry anymore. It feels great. Just hoping my wife will give me the chance to make up for being completely insincere and just plain stupid.


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## desperateandlost (Dec 19, 2009)

I did contribute negatively to the marriage in this way. I was just a provider and not a real husband. I had gotten so used to being an ass that its all that I knew how to be. By me saying that I didn't want to work on the marriage, it told her that she was no longer worth it, and I don't blame her for falling for someone else honestly. As of right now she's 50/50 with me and him. We see and live with each other almost every day of the week. I believe that she did not feel safe with me a year ago, but now she runs to me and runs to him too. She doesn't want to let either of us go, but me having a child and being married to her, I've got the most to lose and the most to fight for. I'm holding on with everything I've got. Almost my hands are locked on and I can't let it go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are married, right? If so, you have the right to fight to save your marriage, despite your past. The abuse, however, changes things a little. If I were your wife, I'd have to see proof that you've signed up for some sort of counseling before I'd consider going back.

That said, you can still fight the affair by exposing it and making it hard for them to carry it on. Does TOM's wife know?


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## desperateandlost (Dec 19, 2009)

Yes, we are married. Two years in June. We have been to counseling before, but I've never been to anger management before. I've been in a number of relationships and never acted like that. We've discussed my past behavior and offered to take classes. She says she loves me very much and knows thats not me. TOM is not married. His ex does know and she is not happy at all. I've told his ex to leave my wife and child alone because I do love them and don't want anyone making their life hell. I really feel that all this is my fault and that I deserve to be treated like this.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I agree with Turnera - 

The affair needs to end - it cannot result in good. To that end there are several steps you can take; we'll be glad to help you get busy there.

At the same time, it seems to me that you have not addressed the abuse issue - instead, it seems to me that you are convinced it won't happen again, because you don't feel like it now.

There's an important thing to keep in mind: just because someone is not doing something does not mean they won't do it in the future - that is, _unless they learn a replacement behavior._

Put it this way: a person is a liar, even if _right now_ they are not lying. When they become a truth teller, they are no longer a liar. In other words, when the negative habit has been exchanged for a positive one. 

Hence, your wife will not feel safe around you until she sees a LONG period of time where you do not react in anger - where you approach problems and setbacks calmly and rationally.

So - you have two areas to work on right now:

1) Recovering your marriage (ending the affair, removing the environment where it became a choice, etc.) and

2) Becoming the kind of person who will NOT react with violence in cases of extreme emotional outburst or trauma.


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