# How do you deal with spouse toooo comfortable?



## SugarMonstaa

Okay I know the love is there but I really am the type that need to feel love... I like affection. I like holding hands, random kisses (not the usual hello/goodbye kiss), cuddling, a compliment if I dress nice, etc. 

He used to do all that in the beginning but as time went by it just slowly faded and is very rare. Little things he does reassures he loves me like making sure I get somewhere okay but really there isn't much affection...

I've told him about this before several months ago and he said he would try. Nothing's really changed. I try to bring it up again and he denies that he's unaffectionate or if I say something he'll joke around or change the subject. Sometimes he gives a kiss and says "See I'm a affectionate"

I know this is common and that it's hard to avoid if you're in a a routine and see each other every day.


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## Mavash.

What happens if you initiate the affection?


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## meson

Mavash. said:


> What happens if you initiate the affection?


Mavash. is correct, what happens when you initiate. I got into a cycle of disrespect with my wife and what broke it was going the extra mile and and initiated respect and kindness. After a while she did it her self. If you give affection without expectations soon she will as well I bet. If that goes on for too long and she doesn't then you can reevaluate.


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## unbelievable

Greet him at the door in one of his dress shirts and a tie and jump his bones. He's not a woman. If he's treating you like the "old lady", remind him that you're not.


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## Cosmos

Do the 5 Love Languages quiz together and read the book:- Home | The 5 Love Languages®

Having to continually ask him to do / say the things that make you feel loved is pretty pointless. You have to get that spark back in your marriage so that you're meeting one another's needs.

I also like the Love Busters - Marriage Builders site:- Love Busters


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## SimplyAmorous

SugarMonstaa said:


> Okay I know the love is there but I really am the type that need to feel love... I like affection. I like holding hands, random kisses (not the usual hello/goodbye kiss), cuddling, a compliment if I dress nice, etc.
> 
> He used to do all that in the beginning but as time went by it just slowly faded and is very rare. Little things he does reassures he loves me like making sure I get somewhere okay but really there isn't much affection...
> 
> I've told him about this before several months ago and he said he would try. Nothing's really changed. I try to bring it up again and he denies that he's unaffectionate or if I say something he'll joke around or change the subject. Sometimes he gives a kiss and says "See I'm a affectionate"
> 
> I know this is common and that it's hard to avoid if you're in a a routine and see each other every day.


His love languages and yours are not meshing....in the beginning of a relationship (those 1st 18 -20 months)... it's like a dopamine rush and even the more unaffectionate men MAY APPEAR affectionate .. True colors and personality rears it's head after a time....and too, like you said, we can get comfortable, LAZY...what they call a little "apathetic"... like he has you now... so he can relax...

If it's not some unresolved issues you're both avoiding...a loss of communication...then he could be operating out of his primary *love languages*... given you said - he does "*LITTLE THINGS, makes sure you get somewhere safety*"...this is his way of expressing Love.... he could be an "Acts of Service" man... I am just guessing..

I've met a few men like this, and talked to their wives, they are very unromantic by nature... they love to HELP, do little things...if your sick , they'll be right there... but affection, lovey doveys....it's more of a rarity... 

I was talking to a couple days ago , asked if they had a "Love song"... almost started a fight between them... as he said they never did...she blurted out "He's not romantic at all"... then asked him "what about that time I sang to you"... he couldn't even remember the song...They were on a Cruise....and she sang to him on stage...... I was Like ""WHOA...I opened a can of worms with that question!"... 

He left to go somewhere.... (they were oK), I talked to her a little bit more, asked how she could stand that...him being that way, she says "What can I do, that's the way he is"... then goes on to say he makes up for it in other ways... 

So I don't know..she may have never had a conversation with him about Being more this or that though...as I think she is Pretty "acts of service " herself... but if you are Physical Touch/ words of affirmation type woman and these things are at his bottom.....it's gonna be tough... lots of pushing yourselves to give what the other craves. 

It all starts with some heartfelt communication ...ask what makes HIM feel loved ..what he would like more from your end...for starters.. this is a good way to open the conversation....and work towards that aim. 










Besides the 5 Love Languages...there is the 10 Emotional needs ... these can be way out of whack with couples too....with his top 3 beings at her bottom, etc... still missing each other, both craving different things... always good to learn all of this....so you can work to effectively meet each other half way....

Taken from this wonderful Marriage book (one of the Best!) >>>>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## firefly789

I have to agree with the above posts about reading the 5 Love Languages: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books. Just reading the first chapter is a real eye-opener about how one spouse expresses love to another, but the other spouse doesn't feel it because their needs are different. There is a difference between being loved and FEELING loved.


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## Fozzy

firefly789 said:


> I have to agree with the above posts about reading the 5 Love Languages: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books. Just reading the first chapter is a real eye-opener about how one spouse expresses love to another, but the other spouse doesn't feel it because their needs are different. There is a difference between being loved and FEELING loved.


:iagree:

This is 100% correct. He loves you, but you two aren't on the same wavelength for expressing it. Get this book, and also His Needs, Her Needs and read them together. This is good stuff, seriously.


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## Feel-Free

Hi SugarMonstaa, you're off to a great start just by simply knowing what it is you want from your spouse. A couple of tips: Consider how he's doing and if he's purposely pulling away for any reasons. Check in with him about how he's doing and about if you are meeting his needs, regarding closeness and affection. See how he answers and let him feel safe in answering his truths to you. What this provides is a safe zone for the two of you to just be in. What this opens up is that he'll then potentially wonder about how you're feeling and how he's doing around providing affection for you. Try to be conscious about not forcing him to answer to your needs. Try to be patient and let him come to you naturally within this conversation. If he doesn't jump at the chance to return the same line of questioning to you, don't worry too much. You have now planted the seed of interest in him about this line of questions and answers and if you wait a couple of days and then bring it up again, by first checking in with him, he'll get the idea without you having to repeat your needs to him. Yes, it will take willpower and patience from you, but remember that you are doing this to both find out what's going on with him AND to have him find out what's going on with you. It takes patience and time. And trust. Go easy and go with your clear intentions of having both of you meet each others needs.


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## SugarMonstaa

Feel-Free said:


> Hi SugarMonstaa, you're off to a great start just by simply knowing what it is you want from your spouse. A couple of tips: Consider how he's doing and if he's purposely pulling away for any reasons. Check in with him about how he's doing and about if you are meeting his needs, regarding closeness and affection. See how he answers and let him feel safe in answering his truths to you. What this provides is a safe zone for the two of you to just be in. What this opens up is that he'll then potentially wonder about how you're feeling and how he's doing around providing affection for you. Try to be conscious about not forcing him to answer to your needs. Try to be patient and let him come to you naturally within this conversation. If he doesn't jump at the chance to return the same line of questioning to you, don't worry too much. You have now planted the seed of interest in him about this line of questions and answers and if you wait a couple of days and then bring it up again, by first checking in with him, he'll get the idea without you having to repeat your needs to him. Yes, it will take willpower and patience from you, but remember that you are doing this to both find out what's going on with him AND to have him find out what's going on with you. It takes patience and time. And trust. Go easy and go with your clear intentions of having both of you meet each others needs.


Thank you everyone!!! When I initiate affection (which I usually do) he will "let" me kiss him, hug on him, etc. but he never starts it. It seems his affection his slapping my butt, grabbing my boobs, tickling me, poking me, play wrestling, etc. I don't mind it but some romantic caressing would be nice like he used to. We don't make out anymore either like we used to and he blames it on his breath which is true because he doesn't brush his teeth at night...and Cambodian Thai food can be stinky with fish sauce and garlic lol.
So I mean would his silly sexual touches be considered affection too?
I remember when his grandma fell really ill, he would cuddle me and seem grateful to have me but it's such a rare rare thing!!!

And he used to tell me how hot and beautiful I was...but now that he doesn't I'm starting to feel insecure with him thinking he wants me to look a certain way when there's a sexy lady on TV.
I guess it doesn't help that his sisters live with us temporarily. His house was originally his mothers given to him after she left and got married. So we are rarely alone but when we are alone I would say I'm happier because we behave differently without them

I tell him my feelings and he's always like "you're ridiculous" when I tell him I'm feeling insecure. 

Anyways, I've been meaning to read the languages of love but didn't remember the title...thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarMonstaa

SugarMonstaa said:


> Thank you everyone!!! When I initiate affection (which I usually do) he will "let" me kiss him, hug on him, etc. but he never starts it. It seems his affection his slapping my butt, grabbing my boobs, tickling me, poking me, play wrestling, etc. I don't mind it but some romantic caressing would be nice like he used to. We don't make out anymore either like we used to and he blames it on his breath which is true because he doesn't brush his teeth at night...and Cambodian Thai food can be stinky with fish sauce and garlic lol.
> So I mean would his silly sexual touches be considered affection too?
> I remember when his grandma fell really ill, he would cuddle me and seem grateful to have me but it's such a rare rare thing!!! I guess he is an act of service guy...but he was raised to be that way so in what way would that make me feel social and not like his mom and sisters d he does the same thing? Lol like fix my car if he sees an issue although annoyed at it.
> 
> And he used to tell me how hot and beautiful I was...but now that he doesn't I'm starting to feel insecure with him thinking he wants me to look a certain way when there's a sexy lady on TV.
> I guess it doesn't help that his sisters live with us temporarily. His house was originally his mothers given to him after she left and got married. So we are rarely alone but when we are alone I would say I'm happier because we behave differently without them
> 
> I tell him my feelings and he's always like "you're ridiculous" when I tell him I'm feeling insecure.
> 
> Anyways, I've been meaning to read the languages of love but didn't remember the title...thank you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarMonstaa

SugarMonstaa said:


> Thank you everyone!!! When I initiate affection (which I usually do) he will "let" me kiss him, hug on him, etc. but he never starts it. It seems his affection his slapping my butt, grabbing my boobs, tickling me, poking me, play wrestling, etc. I don't mind it but some romantic caressing would be nice like he used to. We don't make out anymore either like we used to and he blames it on his breath which is true because he doesn't brush his teeth at night...and Cambodian Thai food can be stinky with fish sauce and garlic lol.
> So I mean would his silly sexual touches be considered affection too?
> I remember when his grandma fell really ill, he would cuddle me and seem grateful to have me but it's such a rare rare thing!!!
> 
> And he used to tell me how hot and beautiful I was...but now that he doesn't I'm starting to feel insecure with him thinking he wants me to look a certain way when there's a sexy lady on TV.
> I guess it doesn't help that his sisters live with us temporarily. His house was originally his mothers given to him after she left and got married. So we are rarely alone but when we are alone I would say I'm happier because we behave differently without them
> 
> I tell him my feelings and he's always like "you're ridiculous" when I tell him I'm feeling insecure.
> 
> Anyways, I've been meaning to read the languages of love but didn't remember the title...thank you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarMonstaa

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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