# why is she sheepish about toy



## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Edited my own post and added a new post to update...

My wife had long denied her use of a rabbit vibrator purchased by her girlfriend until she I caught her in a lie. It was all very light hearted… Truly, I think it is great that my wife enjoys self-love and can/has enjoyed using a device. The thing is that she has been intermittently honest about how much she likes it. 

I have heard similar here from mich and others. While many may feel and profess on this forum i that there is no substitute for “flesh and blood” hand, lips Pen#$ etc. I get this and understand/respect this. I think there are a subset of women who do truly love their rabbit or other toy in a big way…and this is ok…In the case of my wife (and other’s) it would seem that double standard/”I shouldn’t enjoy this so much” feelings get in the way of enjoying this. My guess is that women women who actively participate on this site, particularly the “sex in marriage” forum may be quite liberated and not fully appreciate the notion of latent guilt associated with toy use. she uses it with me but she seems to hold back..i can't put my finger on it.... 

I guess I am trying to get a female perspective on what I can do/say to help relieve the guilt or at least understand it.

edit 1-17-16:

Clarification: I had pestered my wife to use this thing and did not want to. I AM NOT THREATENED at all about this sort of thing. If I thought using a 12" gas powered vibe while my wife watched Chatem Tanning shirtless dance clips or whatever added stimuli to enhance things...I would say "bring it on". Though she is highly orgasmic (can O from straight PIV in multiples- not bragging) I thought the device would add something different. I guess the thing is that she prefers strongly PIV generated Os while I would prefer to mix it up with perhaps some more mutual masturbation sessions so our encounters are longer. She is like a teenage boy, once aroused she wants PIV, has several Os then wants me to climax so the whole event is over quicker than I might like. While this may be many men's ideal, for me I like a long session complete with allot of teasing foreplay etc. My refractory period is pretty long unless I watch porn or something (but she is too self-conscious for this) I guess I was hoping that she could/would be able to shamelessly enjoy things like this without feeling funny about it.

1-19-2016 edit/addition based upon feedback.


I think you are on point with fragile male ego. My wife's toy is slightly longer and thicker than I am. I have noticed that when I do get her to play with it/me, she inserts it fully and durring PIV she seems to prefer positions that allow for deep penetration. I truly can accept her liking this and despite what other's have speculated I am not threatened by this device. I did however, upon hearing some of your comments reflected on this notion of her thinking she may feel that I may feel threatened recall me indicating that her toy is slightly longer and thicker than I am. Also, that since we used it that she make it a point durring PIV that she "loves my di#$", something she had not done previously. So there may be something to what many of you have said...Thanks! I think as technology continues to evolve these devices will likely be able to deliver a quicker and/or more powerful orgasm than what could be reasonably delivered by a human if we have not reached that point already. After all i willfully accept the fact that I don't have vibrating bullets in my D##k and am not perfectly curved, studded etc. for that purpose. I also realize that I have attributes that my wife loves that make the whole experience deeper, more meaningful. I also stimulate her brain. As others have noted this is the most powerful sex organ yet. 

I think knowing my wife there are 2 concerns at play for her:

1) that she may feel that bringing a "thing" into the bedroom may be indicative of the notion that together our body parts (mouth, vag, penis) are collectively not enough and go against the romantic notion that they are not enough and why we would "need" this sort of thing in our bedroom. When I have suggested porn she also resists as I think she may have related feelings on this as well. I am not sure if accepting the use of the vibe that she may feel this would obligate her for introduction of other things into our play. 

2) That she may like this thing so much that she is not comfortable with it as perhaps it would diminish how special our PIV sessions are. 

3) That if we continued to use "other" means of stimulation that it would be come more common practice. I also think she has a bit of an addictive personality. 

4) That perhaps the use of these things are somehow indicative of a "problem" with our sex life. 

I guess I am looking for guidance from my insightful, witty Tam people given my new share.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Sorry dont want to share that any more.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My guess is that she either thinks the details of her personal sexual habits aren't really any of your business, or she's afraid of tripping up your ego. A lot of people don't really like to share much about their masturbation habits, even with their partner. And, a lot of people feel threatened by their partner's personal sexual habits - whether it's porn or toys. 

But, the only way to get the actual answer from your wife, is to ask your wife and make it safe for her to give you an honest answer.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm guessing it's good old fashioned guilt/shame around masturbation. Although I can't remember ever being told it was wrong but as a teenager I don't think you would have got me (or any guy my age) to ever admit to masturbation...despite the fact probably pretty much every one of us did it every spare minute. It's strange that way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> she uses it with me but she seems to hold back..i can't put my finger on it....


Can you describe what you mean by "hold back"?

Most women don't act like porn stars with a new d1ck when they masturbate. In fact, they are mostly quiet and don't move a whole lot, so as to keep the toy positioned correctly and because they don't have an audience to moan for. 

Not everyone behaves exactly the same way, of course, but if you're expecting her to be thrashing around and moaning and groaning while using the toy and she isn't, it doesn't mean she's holding back anything.


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## Busted Knuckle (Nov 6, 2013)

"she uses it with me but she seems to hold back..i can't put my finger on it...."
This: the details of her personal sexual habits aren't really any of your business, AND she's afraid of tripping up your ego. 
this : it's good old fashioned guilt/shame around masturbation

and This: Not everyone behaves exactly the same way, of course, but if you're expecting her to be thrashing around and moaning and groaning while using the toy and she isn't, it doesn't mean she's holding back anything.

we got 2 rabbits a year or so ago, (our first in 20+ years) I introduced her to them and coached her to try them, one was too throby, and too girthy, the other was very slim, and the vibe was very high speed ( and cheap $10 on amazon  ) , this one she really took too, she had a great orgasm from it each time it was used..... I was calm , yet excited and let her control it the whole time.......... has she used it without me around? I have no idea, but I love the thought of her doing it, and she certainly wouldn't tell if she did


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I revisited this old thread. I appreciate what you all have said. 

I recently had an experience where my wife said, while using the rabbit that "this feels so f'ing good" something she never ever said before. I guess I can't ask for any more of an admission of enjoyment then that. Yet she is still sheepish about using it unless i push the issue. 

I still struggle with understanding the female mind. I guess my recent reading the thread about women's prefence for PIV O's made me wonder if women'as strong preference for the romantic, IE the PIV "total experience" takes away from the enjoyment of the VIBE. Again the notion that "this feels good but, as a women i can't help but, feel guilty about it. Same with porn. I know my wife used to watch S/C porn before we met and has no real moral dilema but, sometimes feels body image/jealosy stuff. Still, nonetheless, I think she is afraid of liking it "too much" or again thinking that she/we should not NEED this sort of thing. 

The guilt train forges on. Not sure how to make her feel more confident, less self-conscious and more open.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> The guilt train forges on. Not sure how to make her feel more confident, less self-conscious and more open.


Self exploration is very different than intimacy between to people. It may not be that she feels guilty, it could be that she just does not want you to become an active part of her self exploration. 

When it comes to intimacy, men always strive to make things better and add more spice, and she may fear that you want to do the same to her world of self exploration. 

...what I am getting at is imagine yourself trying to masturbate and getting performance anxiety because your wife just purchased you a vibrating urethral stretching device and she can't wait to hear how much you enjoyed it, because hearing you tell her these things is what she depends on now to get off with you! You simply can't let her down, now you have to enjoy this!










Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I get the sense from your posts that something worries you about it. Perhaps talking about it here will help. 

Are you happy with your sex life? Is the frequency is satisfying? If you know what is bothering you, maybe someone here can suggest ways of bringing it up to your wife. 

My advice is to relax for now and don't bring it up for a time. See what happens and work out your possible anxiety.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Olivia I think you are right. Some men feel that they are in competition with the toy or that they are not enough for their wives. 

Some women feel the same way when their partner watches porn, masturbates or stares at women. The toy means nothing more than the enjoyment of quick, easy orgasm. 

My husband masturbates. I don't invade his privacy or ask him about it. When he invites me to participate, it's hot but I don't ask him. Even married people need time that is exclusively theirs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Olivia I think you are right. Some men feel that they are in competition with the toy or that they are not enough for their wives.
> 
> Some women feel the same way when their partner watches porn, masturbates or stares at women. The toy means nothing more than the enjoyment of quick, easy orgasm.
> 
> ...


Catherine, 

My recent edit should provide additional insight...thanks for feedback. I think more spouses should respect privacy and not get controlling and jealous.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I do not feel as comfortable as I'd like to using toys together. It's not at all because I think my husband would feel I'm enjoying it more or that it is in any way a competitor. I guess for me, it's somehow...embarrassing? I don't know why really, asking myself that as I write. I suspect it's because the toy would either be used for him to watch me play, which lacks intimacy for me and while he would find it arousing, I feel self conscious in that moment- until the moment strikes when all inhibition is lost! If we use them together, it often becomes too sensitive for me as the power of some toys is too much unless carefully controlled by me.

I imagine for some women, there is going to be elements of taboo in using toys, that would depend on background and experience I suppose. If a woman is a little shy in nature, the element of exhibitionism needed for using toys in front of a partner is naturally more difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

My wife is highly sexual and we enjoy a number of props during sex, even so she rarely will use one of her vibrators. If I am out of town for a few days she will use it but most of the time not admit she did. But if I am here she says why bother when she can get the real thing. Even when she does use it she does rarely will insert it, just uses on her clit.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Self exploration is very different than intimacy between to people. It may not be that she feels guilty, *it could be that she just does not want you to become an active part of her self exploration. *


I can't say it better than this. IMO, it is spot on. :wink2:

Be careful, OP... It sounds to me as though you're trying to control your W's sexuality...


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> It's because we instinctively know that anything that could potentially threaten a man's ego regarding sex is dangerous territory. We do not want to hurt you or damage our relationship with you.
> 
> I recently bought myself some toys but did not tell my husband for the reasons above. I kept them a secret for months. It wasn't until he told me that he was thinking of buying me one (because I'm wanting more sex than he is lately) that I confessed and showed him a few that I'd bought that I thought would be the least threatening-looking to him. He was visibly shocked to find this out but seemed okay with it and played along for a few weeks being a good sport.
> 
> ...


Olivia, 

Great share and insight. I think the fact that you hid it may add to H's insecurity. It seems a coincidence that he "wanted to get a toy" a couple months after you got them. When I was faced with that situation I suggested we break the think out knowing full well she already had. 

I think you are on point with fragile male ego. My wife's toy is slightly longer and thicker than I am. I have noticed that when I do get her to play with it/me, she inserts it fully and during PIV she seems to prefer positions that allow for deep penetration. I truly can accept her liking this and despite what other's have speculated I am not threatened by this device. I did however, upon hearing some of your comments reflected on this notion recall me indicating that her toy is slightly longer and thicker than I am. Also, that since we used it that she make it a point durring PIV that she "loves my di#$", something she had not done previously. So there may be something to what many of you have said...Thanks! I think as technology continues to evolve these devices will likely be able to deliver a quicker and/or more powerful orgasm than what could be reasonably delivered by a human if we have not reached that point already. After all i willfully accept the fact that I don't have vibrating bullets in my D##k and am not perfectly curved, studded etc. for that purpose. I also realize that I have attributes that my wife loves that make the whole experience deeper, more meaningful. I also stimulate her brain. As others have noted this is the most powerful sex organ yet. 

I think knowing my wife there are 2 concerns at play for her:

1) that she may feel that bringing a "thing" into the bedroom may be indicative of the notion that together our body parts (mouth, vag, penis) are collectively not enough and go against the romantic notion that they are not enough and why we would "need" this sort of thing in our bedroom. When I have suggested porn she also resists as I think she may have related feelings on this as well. I am not sure if accepting the use of the vibe that she may feel this would obligate her for introduction of other things into our play. 

2) That she may like this thing so much that she is not comfortable with it as perhaps it would diminish how special our PIV sessions are. 

3) That if we continued to use "other" means of stimulation that it would be come more common practice. I also think she has a bit of an addictive personality. 

4) That perhaps the use of these things are somehow indicative of a "problem" with our sex life. 

I guess I am looking for guidance from my insightful, witty Tam people given my new share.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Self exploration is very different than intimacy between to people. It may not be that she feels guilty, it could be that she just does not want you to become an active part of her self exploration.
> 
> When it comes to intimacy, men always strive to make things better and add more spice, and she may fear that you want to do the same to her world of self exploration.
> 
> ...


Great points! I edited my original post based up feedback from you and others. 

The thing is that if my wife wanted my to try a device like you suggested that I would be game and would honestly tell her point blank if I liked it or not.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Olivia I think you are right. Some men feel that they are in competition with the toy or that they are not enough for their wives.
> 
> Some women feel the same way when their partner watches porn, masturbates or stares at women. The toy means nothing more than the enjoyment of quick, easy orgasm.
> 
> ...


that 

Great insight. I think it is great that you and your H allow for your individual alone time. My wife does the same however, puts restrictions on my viewing options (another story) perhaps it is related. 

I will say we both are very satisfied, at least I am. (although I am going to ask her for ways we can improve)...I don't think that me wanting to experiment with new things that this is indicative of a problem. Just my desire to maximize her pleasure. This serves altruistic and selfish motives as I had indicated..

Please note I have also edited my post to give additional insight.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Great points! I edited my original post based up feedback from you and others.
> 
> The thing is that if my wife wanted my to try a device like you suggested that I would be game and would honestly tell her point blank if I liked it or not.


If this is NOT about you wanting to try things that YOU want her to want in order to make sex better, and you are sincere about just wanting to try something different to make your wife over enthusiastic sexually and push her boundaries beyond what you knew was even possible....

Then the solution is simple my friend!

Take her shoe shopping:










Build her a custom two story closet with a spiral staircase for her to model her new shoes for you:










...what happens next will make your head explode!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> I revisited this old thread. I appreciate what you all have said.
> 
> I recently had an experience where my wife said, while using the rabbit that "this feels so f'ing good" something she never ever said before. I guess I can't ask for any more of an admission of enjoyment then that. Yet she is still sheepish about using it unless i push the issue.
> 
> ...


How about "Clone a Willy"
Sold on Amazon and sent to your door discretely.
A vibe that looks and feels just like you. A win - win for your situation, I think.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> It wasn't really a coincidence. My drive has gone through the roof, and he was well aware of it. I just talked to my doctor about it a few days ago (again). She says that most women experience diminishing drive as they approach menopause, but some experience an increase in drive. Mine has increased to levels that are impossible for H to keep up with, and would be a challenge for him even if he was 20 years old again. I had to do something and didn't feel comfortable talking to him about toys for the reasons I explained. It just took him longer than me to come up with the idea of a toy as a method of coping with the situation. He did not find my toys before I told him about them; that would have been impossible as I had them locked away somewhere that he doesn't know about and doesn't have access to.
> 
> When we talked about it recently I found out that he really is not comfortable with me having a toy, but he was thinking of buying me one at that time because he thought it was "better than the alternative". The "alternative" being, he's concerned that I might be tempted to cheat. I love my husband, recognize that this is just a very unusual "season" of my life, and *would never* cheat, but I know that if our roles were reversed, I'd be worrying about him doing the same, so I do understand how he feels.
> 
> ...


Ok but, the thing is that I am the one that encourages her to use it alone and together. I guess i have to address the areas of concern that you think are most likely to be the ones in play and try to reassure her she should not be concerned about this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Olivia I think you have hit on something there. Good girls may feel that exploring their sexuality under the watchful eye of their husband will damage their image. Once damaged, it can't be repaired. Men are fairly hardline about what makes a woman virtuous or ****ty. 

OP The best thing I think you can do is to first establish trust before trying barge into your wife's private world. You married her along with her restricted attitude about sex. It is no surprise that she does not want to show you a side of herself that she is just discovering and that you may not welcome. 

Have you explored your feeling about sexuality. Are you certain that your feelings about your wife will not change if she lets you in on her explorations?


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