# De-lurking



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi, all. I've been reading here for a while, and figured now would be a good time to step out of the shadows here.

A bit of my story:

I moved out of the house about a year ago, to handle my severe depression. I've gotten much of the help I need, and I've got a decent handle on that. On top of weekly IC for myself, I've been attending weekly MC with her, as well as visiting the house regularly to spend time with the kids (9 and 3).

During that time, nearly everyone I know has burned bridges with me - my Dad's about the only one who still has my back. I've worked out a bit - although no real regimen - reconnected with an old passion for carpentry, and get out of the house to mingle with folks once in a while.

As a wife, her attitude towards me is abysmal - she puts the dog and neighbor's children's needs above my own. But my biggest request that I will not back down from is this: her parents have a habit of taking her and my children on lavish vacations ,and if I'm not free - say, because I don't have any vacation time, or we don't have money for a vacation, they go without me.

Most recently, when the separation precluded our annual family vacation to Disneyland, her folks treated all three of them to 10 days at the park - without me. I told her it really bothers me to be excluded, and that her parents seriously overstepped their bounds. I told her, no more vacations without me. If we're going on a family vacation, it'll involve the whole family.

Her parents have a weeklong trip to the Oregon coast and Yellowstone planned in May. I've told her that if she is sincere about reconcilliation, she will turn them down, and not go. Her response was to file legal separation. We reached a cordial agreement, and it's working through the courts now. It's nice that in our state, that separation agreement IS the divorce agreement - I think I got some concessions out of her there which would have required a knock-down, drag-out fight if it were divorce court. 

I'm 95% sure it's done, but I do admit that I wish it were otherwise. Not enough to lay down and accept blatant disrespect like that any longer, but enough that I'm sad about the ending. Real uncertain about what life is going to be like for the kids, too. But they'll have regular contact with a loving and supportive father, I know that much.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I would have booked an Alaskan singles cruise for myself.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Good for you for owning your sh!t and working on yourself.

Sounds like you have finally learned say what you are and are not OK with. 

The problem is she no longer has any respect for you.

It's best to give a defiant person what they want.

File for D and joint custody of your children.

Its hard to see now. But, much better world awaits you on the other side of this.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Breathe in new air and breathe out the old. Sounds like you have come a long way, why stop short of making the best out of your life. Take this chance to make yourself happy. Everyone involved will be happier when you are happy.
People told me after the split that I would get better every day. It took a month or so, but now it is happening.
Keep your chin up.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

The gaslighting is out of control with her!

We're still in MC, and we're at loggerheads with our requests: I have requested that she stop going on vacations without me (but with our kids, and all paid for by her parents), that she treat me with respect, and that she and I discuss decisions before they are made.

Hers are that I stop requesting that she not go on vacation without me (or making any requests that she does not want to comply with), stop walking away when she ignores or belittles me, and stop calling her out when she puts me down. And that I start wooing and pursuing her.

And because we are at odds, she filed for separation. And then when I make any hints that there is distance between us, she asks "So, you've given up on fixing our marriage?" As it is, I'm locked in for child support and alimony, living on my own, see my kids on alternating weekends - but she insists that we are still married, and that discussing divorce is me walking out on her. Boy, it makes my head spin, trying to keep up with her nonsense!


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