# is it time to throw in the towel and let go? (long)



## cea (Sep 13, 2009)

to start:
h and i have been together nearly 20 years, married almost 15...my 2 grown sons have left home (one's in afghanistan) and together we have 2 more in elementary school...

thinking back, i see that we've never had serious discussions on anything other than the kids, the house, finances or vacations... attended counseling almost 10 years ago during a very stressful time of infertility...

sex is nonexistant...i don't feel any physical attraction for him--he gained almost 50 pounds during the last 10 years, drinks EVERY weekend, and generally looks like a fat, grey-haired old man...i watch as he eats anything he wants, 2 and 3 helpings of high-fat, high-calorie junk...

i play tennis twice a week and a friend calls me "the poster child for 50"...people usually ask if my h is considerably older than i am...i have no control over what most of me looks like, but what i CAN control -- i do...

i can deal with no sex -- during one stretch, we went 4 1/2 years without being intimate...fine by me...i find myself repulsed by the way he takes care of himself...over the years i got used to the fact that things would probably never change, he's a good provider and a good father, really great sense of humor, but i'd probably live the rest of my life in a loveless relationship...

today's issue...i caught him in a nearly 6-month long relationship with his ex...and i quite literally CAUGHT him...he searched for her on myspace, struck up for "old times sake" and stayed for months...i confronted him, he 'fessed up, said he understood how upset i was, he'd be furious if i did something like that, and i asked him to move into the guest room...

i don't believe a word he says now...he's quite capable of hiding anything he wants at work, so i'm not even bothering to ask for him to show me all those emails or cell records...since last week, i lost 4 days of sleep, a couple of pounds when i couldn't face eating without wanting to throw up, and now at least, when i don't have to sleep in the same bed with him, i can get some rest...

i've been searching for days on info about divorce, separation, trying to "live apart" in the same house, what divorce does to kids (during my 1st nasty divorce, i packed up and left when my sons were just 5 mos and 2 yrs)...

i'm so confused!!! i suppose there are loads of folks who stick it out in the same sort of marriage for the kids, we don't yell (at least he doesn't anymore -- i'm just not a yeller) at each other or the kids, we don't fight, we can sit together at the table for dinner, but i find that i no longer love him...certainly don't trust him...wouldn't believe him if he said the sky was blue...i wouldn't put it past him to have done this already many times over -- stopping just short of having physical sex with another woman...

do i try counseling by myself? do i just resign myself to the situation as it is? i have no problem at all taking this r-e-a-l slow...

actually, he mentioned that at one time he was jealous of a very old and dear friend of mine (we've both had dinner with my friend and his wife)...there was, of course, no reason for his jealousy, which he admits...now that i think of it, tho, maybe he should be...i'm not attracted to my friend, but we do lunch a couple of time a year, and we spend 2-3 hours talking over coffee...why can't i do that with my own h????? maybe it's just because it takes that long to catch up? 

with my oldest a soldier in afghanistan (it's been weeks since i've heard from him) -- i DON'T NEED THE ADDITIONAL STRESS!!! 

my h is such an idiot...somebody tell me what to do!!!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Counseling for yourself is always good. Might help you plan on a future without him. This is a classic case of a couple puttiing kids in front of themselves and when the kids gone nothing is left. I think in your shoes it's time to move on. You raised your kids and they seem to have turned out well. You gave them all the tools they need. Now its your time. If you have no interest in him then make yourself happy.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I love this site, and you came to the right spot for some advise or information what ever it is you want. Since your children have grown and are out of the house, maybe it's time to move on. The children will understand now. I am not sure what your age is but now a days no one is ever old. And maybe starting over is the best thing for you. Go enjoy the rest of your life. Finally do what's good for you and not anyone else.


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## prettyinpink05 (Nov 1, 2008)

Life is to short, but yes I think about the same thing I stay for the kidz n yes its very hard, but you got out of your first marriage that was your strength then and if you had the strength to walk away then there is nothing holding you back bit you..........the sad THING with myself is that i get the strength but then my children always get me when were going sumwhere r i just pick them up from school by myself the ? comes out as were id daddy and that gets me i just feel sometime they will think its my fault but I really believe just by reading your short story that your strong and you will be OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cea (Sep 13, 2009)

only 2 of my children are grown--the h and i have 2 in elementary school still...my 2 older sons would only want me to be happy...

the 2 little ones would be devastated...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would start your counseling right away. Are you fulfilled in other ways? If that is the case and your marriage isn't fulfilling...what does he say? Does he care? 

I can understand staying for the 2 younger kids. It's a tough decision in which you will need to do some soul searching. 

Take care of yourself in the meantime and try some dilalogue with your H.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

What my concern is that during your description/diatribe the only decent thing you had to say about your husband is that he is a good provider and a good father. Since he is your husband and not your dad, what we are really looking at is that he is a paycheck. Obviously, you have described significant physical issues which cripple your relationship, and keep it short of being anything remotely close to a marriage. 4 + years without sex? What are you guys in a monastery? Now couple that with significant trust issues and ask yourself is a financial security enough? My humble advice would be "change it or chuck it." Based on your description there is nothing redeeming in this relationship. It's obvious your angry. Fidelity is the biggest of all issues in my opinionl. My advice is write a reply to yourself, as if you were reading someone else's post. I think if you can just get past the raw emotion you'll know what you want to do.


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