# Long time since I posted, but struggling now with wife’s past



## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this board. I went through a divorce years ago and this board helped me out going through that rough time in my life. I’ve been happily remarried for over seven years to my current wife but there’s something I’m really struggling with concerning her past.

I am 39 years old and she’s 35 years old. Sometime around the time that she was 23 or 24 years old she went to Las Vegas with a group of girlfriends. This was years before I ever met her.

When we first met she told me that on a Las Vegas trip of hers with friends she had the best sex of her life with some random hook up that she met there. At the time of her telling me this we had not begun dating. This was mentioned in a group setting with other mutual friends at the time and I believe she just said this to story top somebody else.

At this time we both had been eyeing one another and I think we had decided without saying that we would begin dating and we did.

The story she told about the Las Vegas hook up is something that was kept in the back of my mind but never really bothered me. We all have our past and this is something that was in her past and certainly before I ever knew her. I have my own past as well just as she does and this has never been something that had bothered me until recently.

Some of her girlfriends brought up the trip to Las Vegas in the last few weeks or so and that brought that memory of mine and her “experience” while she was there during the trip.

I have started to have major retroactive jealousy issues about this one event my wife had years ago. I’m not sure what has spurred this happening but it’s this one event is eating at me and I can’t get past it at the moment. I’ve met her former boyfriend who she dated for a number of years before me and nothing about him makes me feel the way that I feel about this one hook up of hers.

After debating about how to handle this for a few weeks I finally brought it to her attention that it’s bothering me. I’m not sure if I should’ve done this or not but I did. I let her know that it’s been eating at me and that I think it has to do with the fact she said it was the best sex of her life at the time. She assured me that she actually said that because in the group setting when she told about this story years ago that’s what she was “supposed to say“ to an event like that. She actually said she hated it she said and it disgusted her that she did something like that and I do believe her (not that it should matter because this was before I knew her but again this is the whole point of this post that it’s bothering me when it shouldn’t).

So I have let this one event basically eat at me at the beginning, middle, and end of each day in my life for the last few weeks. I brought it to her attention to try to figure out a way to get some closure and to get rid of this stupid retroactive jealousy that I have over this moment in her life before I knew her.

She mentioned something to me about the event that actually made it much worse for me. She said that the guy was 45 years old or so, at the time she was In her early 20s or so.

Now all of a sudden my entire mental replay of everything that happened back then has changed and I have replaced some younger guy near her age with an older pervert who is taking advantage of a young girl at the time and this has made my mind replay of the event so much worse.

I want to paint a full picture of how this situation has been for me so perhaps you can make any helpful advice easier to provide. I don’t know what to do in the situation, I guess I can probably just eventually stuff it in the back of my mind and let it go but it will probably always come back and eat at me for the rest of time if I do that. Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance to all of those who can offer any help.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only thing I can say is this. She LIED about it at the time and was creeped out and felt bad about it.
THINK about that. She didn't tell the truth so you are obsessing over an un-true story.
Retroactive jealousy is a very hard thing to deal with -- completely irrational and very hard to counteract with logic.
I think @Sfort has done some research into this.

I also wonder if you can look into EMDR therapy -- it may help you move past this.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I do believe that a woman’s sexual past matters and absolutely impacts marriage relationship, so I’m typically not one to advise disregarding a woman’s sexual past.

In this case, let it go. She had a hookup on a girls trip in Vegas when she was young. It happens. She had sex with other people before you, some were good and some probably not. He was 45, so what. Lots of young women dig older guys.
Is it the sort of thing you want to hear or think about, no. But unless it was part of a broader pattern that you’re uncomfortable with, you’re creating a problem where there isn’t one.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If you harass your wife about this she’s just going to think your an immature fool.... why don’t you just drop it?

You have the rest of your life to show her the “best sex of her life”... focus on that.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first of al what she did before she met you has nothing to do with who she is today , 
some people can not handle that they are not the biggest or the best or go on for hours 
then there are others that like to know every dirty detail of their wife's past and get turned on by it , but the big word in all this is it is her Past 
are you saying that a girl that makes one mistake in her life time has to pay for that all her life 
even a woman that at one stage was a prostitute can be a super wife and mother 

Maybe a lot of people. Maybe in wild, kinky ways that you thought only happened in the most secret clubs in Bangkok. Maybe they lived in Bangkok. In any case, if you want to be involved with this person, it's your responsibility to get over it. it is you that has built this up in your head and it is only you that can get over it , 

Think if you want to keep this woman in your life you will need to get help from an expert as you have let this eat away at you for to long and now it is a cancer are you going to let this kill your relationship or get past it , 

I bet you have something in your past that you did that you are not proud of


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Find something else to obsess about. Is there something in your life that is making you feel less than and you're looking to pin it on your wife? Are you experiencing the 7 year itch?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

is it getting on your mind because of your own performance in bed , because if it is if your wife is not complaining it is not a problem for her


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems odd that she would lie about it and then deny she meant what she said, but as others have said you have to find a way of moving past it. 
Has she ever given you cause to think she isn't happy with your sex together?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

No one here really understands RJ. It is a thankfully rare and elusive mental issue. If you want, I'll try to post some thoughts, or you're welcome to PM me. These threads don't go well in TAM.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sfort said:


> No one here really understands RJ. It is a thankfully rare and elusive mental issue. If you want, I'll try to post some thoughts, or you're welcome to PM me. These threads don't go well in TAM.


Honestly I think it's because folks really DO try to help -- by using logic. Jealousy and esp. retroactive jealousy are completely IRRATIONAL and don't respond well to logic. You KNOW, but it doesn't alleviate the feelings, which really sucks for those affilcted. Jealousy really is (almost always) a self-induced torture.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Honestly I think it's because folks really DO try to help -- by using logic. Jealousy and esp. retroactive jealousy are completely IRRATIONAL and don't respond well to logic. You KNOW, but it doesn't alleviate the feelings, which really sucks for those affilcted. Jealousy really is (almost always) a self-induced torture.


If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.


Which means (respectfully) that you don't understand it. RJ is only in the afflicted person's mind. It has nothing to do with being understandable or hypocritical.


----------



## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

I understand partner past sex life really bugging you and sometimes jealous. But you need to realize you are over 38? At that point that age has history of sex life in the past unless you be with someone who never actually have an history of sex life.

Some how some point need to drop off and tell her that she doesn't need to talk about again or story of sexully life she has before. And just move on.
She is with you that's all that matters. 

But the way she says that she had best sex in Las Vegas that sounds to me trash. 
And I won't like either if my partner has that past.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Your problem isn't retroactive jealousy. Your problem is that you married the type of girl that brags to her friends about banging strange old dudes on Vegas vacations. Not much you can do about that other than just accept your decision and hope it bothers you less over time.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The Vegas crap should be a no go conversation wise. Your wife needs to inform her friends that talking about previous debauchery in the company of current spouses is pretty goddamned stupid.

The rest is more than likely image issues you have personally.

You were attracted to her initially despite already knowing about her Vegas boinking.

It obviously didn't hinder your attraction for her and you two obviously had enough going on to marry. That is no small accomplishment.

It probably wouldn't hurt for you to get some professional help to examine exactly where your problem is. It might not be RJ.

Your wife is probably not exactly enjoying her past right now either and could probably use some reassurance that she is acceptable to you.

A lot of men don't understand just how vulnerable a woman actually is regarding her past and how it might affect current security and affection.

She obviously values you and the love, security and affection you provide to a magnitude more than a bragging story, stupidly told in the spirit of sharing dumb experiences.

She married you dude. Unless she is a fringe nutjob, that is commitment.

Does she exhibit signs of instability or narcissistic tendencies or psychosis?

If she is otherwise stable, loving and supportive and you are satisfied with her, just set some boundaries about stupid conversations with friends and trust her.


----------



## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

BC3 said:


> I have replaced some younger guy near her age with an older pervert who is taking advantage of a young girl


_Massive eye roll_ Dude. She met an older man that she was attracted to and they had a good time. Stop with the "poor defenseless girl" routine. This is not an unusual circumstance and it doesn't make the guy a monster.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.


You are trying to make this logical and make it into a character issue. RJ is neither logical nor an issue of character. It is a snafu in the wiring that is not logical and is not a character flaw. 

Being hypocritical would be the playa' that picks up chicks at bar but as conscious choice would only marry a virgin or someone with a low count of legit relationships and no hook ups. The hypocrite bangs chicks casually but has disdain for chicks that hook up casually. 

This situation isn't that at all. This is not a choice on his part and he understands how irrational and nonsensical his feelings are. But he is being troubled by it nonetheless.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@BC3 , do you think your past betrayal from your ex could be impacting you in some way here?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BC3,

What you don't mention is how sexual or not your W is with you now, are you feeling disappointed in that way?

Did you have the talk about past partners before you got married.

Does she still keep in touch with past partners or in a social circle that does.

There are certain things if my W admitted to doing pre-marriage would seriously make me think about divorce, so I get what you are feeling.


----------



## otomerican (May 27, 2021)

Your wife's friends didn't do either of you any favors by talking about this. If casual sex wasn't a regular thing on her part I would imagine that most people's spouses have more skeletons in their closet than you do.

Open question, how do people get over jealousy of their partner's past?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

otomerican said:


> Open question, how do people get over jealousy of their partner's past?


Many of them never do.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Well OP here's the thing...you new this about her before dating, then you married her and during this time it hadn't really bothered you much at all. There is clearly a trigger for you that you must figure out and I don't think it's just her friends talking about it that caused it. 
You may have an underlying issue with OCD which explains the obsessive intrusive thoughts. I have been diagnosed OCD and obsessive thoughts absolutely suck, granted mine don't involve RJ, but they still suck nonetheless.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> You may have an underlying issue with OCD


The full name for RJ is retroactive jealousy OCD.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sfort said:


> The full name for RJ is retroactive jealousy OCD.


I am not OCD, but I most definitely have a lot of OCD traits. I also struggle to some degree with RJ. I can never seem to get over the feelings completely, but I've found ways to deal with them and keep them in check. It is tough, because small things can trigger it. I see a song on Sirius XM that says it came out in a particular year and it think, "at this time in that year she was probably in bed with her Ex." or "she was moving in with him this month in that year" Mind you, this is over 30 years ago! Totally irrational, but it is there in my head. Basics of what I do are... 

I remind myself it is my problem, not hers. I've even talked to her about this, she knows how I feel. 
I remind my self it was before me and has nothing to do with me and I remind myself how great she has been to me since we were a couple
I remind myself that I had a past before her too
Then I usually think about the last time she did something that really made me feel loved

I pretty much do that every time and it gets me out of the funk.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfort said:


> The full name for RJ is retroactive jealousy OCD.


Ah, did not know that. Makes sense.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I am not OCD, but I most definitely have a lot of OCD traits. I also struggle to some degree with RJ. I can never seem to get over the feelings completely, but I've found ways to deal with them and keep them in check. It is tough, because small things can trigger it. I see a song on Sirius XM that says it came out in a particular year and it think, "at this time in that year she was probably in bed with her Ex." or "she was moving in with him this month in that year" Mind you, this is over 30 years ago! Totally irrational, but it is there in my head. Basics of what I do are...
> 
> I remind myself it is my problem, not hers. I've even talked to her about this, she knows how I feel.
> I remind my self it was before me and has nothing to do with me and I remind myself how great she has been to me since we were a couple
> ...


Yes, you have the classic symptoms. The problem is that RJ can get worse over time. You may be able to get out of the funk now, but in ten or twenty more years, you may not be so lucky. I didn't realize it at the time, but I saw an 88-year old man with dementia struggle with it. He didn't realize what he was doing, but he actually talked about his wife's sexual activities with an older man when she was 17. It was before he met her. His adult children didn't realize it was RJ. It was uncomfortable for them to hear about their mother's sexual history from almost seventy years ago. 



> Then I usually think about the last time she did something that really made me feel loved


What I've discovered is that RJ fills a void. If your spouse is not paying much attention to you and not doing anything to make you feel loved, even if it's unintentional on her part, RJ sneaks in to fill the void. Insecurity feeds RJ.

I've been researching and studying RJ for at least five years. One conclusion I've reached is DO NOT discuss it with your spouse. The problem is yours, not hers. She didn't cause it, she can't fix it. All you will do is make her feel bad for doing something that was not wrong and not aimed at hurting you. One of the most frustrating aspects is that you can never forgive her for what she did because she didn't do anything wrong that needs to be forgiven. You didn't even know each other. What if discussing your RJ with your spouse causes HER to develop it about your past? Would you wish it on her? Be very careful.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I've been researching and studying RJ for at least five years. One conclusion I've reached is DO NOT discuss it with your spouse. The problem is yours, not hers. She didn't cause it, she can't fix it. All you will do is make her feel bad for doing something that was not wrong and not aimed at hurting you. *One of the most frustrating aspects is that you can never forgive her for what she did because she didn't do anything wrong that needs to be forgiven. *You didn't even know each other. What if discussing your RJ with your spouse causes HER to develop it about your past? Would you wish it on her? Be very careful.


This is really great feedback, thank you. That bold sentence really is the whole thing in its simplest terms. 

It was much more of an issue for me when we were dating. It was much fresher then, but I still tried not to browbeat her about it. Although I have to admit I often said more about it than I should have at that time. 

We were both young when we met, but my wife is a few years older. I was a junior in high school and never had a sexual relationship. She was 1 year out of high school and had been in a relationship for about 2 years. That added to some of my insecurities. She did nothing wrong. She was living with a man she loved and fully expected to get married to. She was doing everything she was supposed to do. Even though there was no concrete proof, there was lots of evidence she was being cheated on and she immediately moved out. I met her a few months after that. Believe it or not that seemed to aggravate my feelings. My completely irrational thinking was, "how could you have not seen he was no good before?" So even that piece, I've had to remind myself how strong she was to stand up for herself and got out. Time has mellowed the feelings. I can talk about it now without getting upset. In fact it feels somewhat cathartic to write this. 

I've only mentioned it to my wife a few times during the 31 years we've been married, but the most recent wasn't that long ago. I don't remember how the topic came up, but I briefly said it still pops up from time to time, but I very clearly said to her that it is my problem, not hers. She consoled me a little and that was the end of the topic. I will take your advice to heart and I'll make that the last time I talk to her about it. In hind sight it was probably a good way to close the issue.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I've only mentioned it to my wife a few times during the 31 years we've been married, but the most recent wasn't that long ago. I don't remember how the topic came up, but I briefly said it still pops up from time to time, but I very clearly said to her that it is my problem, not hers. She consoled me a little and that was the end of the topic. I will take your advice to heart and I'll make that the last time I talk to her about it.


Good post. The problem with mentioning it to her is that she is helpless to do anything to help you ("she consoled me a little") except to love you unconditionally and work to have a great marriage. This point is a little obscure, but if _she works to have a great marriage_ because of your RJ, it's the wrong reason, and it will not work. It's like a Catch 22, I guess.

You said that you don't remember how the topic came up, but do you remember whether you bought it up or did she? I ask because if she brought it up, you need to deal with it lovingly and briefly. Of course, you need to make sure you never bring it up again.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Good post. The problem with mentioning it to her is that she is helpless to do anything to help you ("she consoled me a little") except to love you unconditionally and work to have a great marriage. This point is a little obscure, but if _she works to have a great marriage_ because of your RJ, it's the wrong reason, and it will not work. It's like a Catch 22, I guess.
> 
> You said that you don't remember how the topic came up, but do you remember whether you bought it up or did she? I ask because if she brought it up, you need to deal with it lovingly and briefly. Of course, you need to make sure you never bring it up again.


I know for sure I'm the one that brought it up, I just can't recall what prompted it. I think her response was something along the lines of, "you still feel that way?" I said yes and that was when I told her its my problem to deal with, she's done nothing wrong and I don't want her to try to do anything. That was it and we moved on. It didn't last more than a minute. We really do have a great marriage and I am very confident in saying it isn't because she has been trying to appease my RJ. There have been very large spans of time where it never came up and I would say our marriage has only strengthened over those periods of time without it being a factor. I think it is great for all the right reasons. That said I very selfishly never gave full consideration to how bringing it up could impact her. Discussing it here has really cleared that up for me. I won't be picking at that scab and opening up the wound on that one anymore. 

I genuinely appreciate this discussion, thank you. BTW, I never even knew what to call these feelings before coming here. I would be interested to hear how the OP is doing and dealing with this now. I hope some of this is helpful to him.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

At least this was disclosed prior to dating and didn't somehow come up later. RJ is a real thing, but I think you need to convince yourself that this was disclosed by her, and you know her true feelings on it now.


----------

