# Found her out!!



## Brewster (Apr 23, 2012)

My "Loving wife" is watching TV as I type this and Im shocked, stunned. I went on our laptop and opened the internet and it went on to the home page. I was looking for an item on ebay that I bought yesterday and was getting another one for my mate when in the history folder was a facebook message from a guy who my wife know....Her facebook page wasnt shut down so I clicked on and it read "cant wait for you to have you again in my bed" Im totally totally shocked, I read through the whole messsage thread.............basically they have been at it a yr, they met the day before we went away on holidays!!!!!!!!!!! Ive printed all the messages off as proof
How do I confront her about this,jesus my heart is beating out of my chest.
We have a pretty good relationship, doing normal things like meals, nights out etc both early 40's
Im broken


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all--his is married or partnered??? Do you know this guy at all? 

Do not confront her til we advise you better.

DEFINITELY KEEP the print outs of their affair conversations.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and can you copy/paste the emails to a safe place so you have them handy for future reference?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yep, wait to confront. Rookie mistake to storm off and confront right away, they delete the evidence and take it underground and you're left none the wiser with way fewer options for detecting what's truly going on.

(spoken from experience!)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

calm down first

you need to think before acting and you need to learn from our experiences so you dont fall into the same traps we fall into

for starters read the newbie link in my signature

next find out what you can from OM- is he married also? If so you should send the proof to his wife or GF

next you should seek legal counsel to know your options

also get spy equipment up and running- in particular get a keylogger on the computer. Never reveal your sources.

when confronting be aware of gaslighting, trickle truth and blameshifting
When you confront your wife you should say something along the lines of this:

"Wife I know that you have been cheating on me. I honestly can't tell you if I will file for divorce or not. But as it stands right now, if I do not get the entire truth from you I will most certainly will file. After I hear what has transpired I will take the time to make a decision."

also make a doctor's appointment for STD testing


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Brew--do not confront yet at all. You need to get more info first.

Try to remain calm as best you can and definitely don't let her know that you know yet.

AR, I respectfully disagree with the bolded part (for when he's ready to confront):



Almostrecovered said:


> When you confront your wife you should say something along the lines of this:
> 
> "Wife I know that you have been cheating on me.* I honestly can't tell you if I will file for divorce or not*. But as it stands right now, if I do not get the entire truth from you I will most certainly will file. After I hear what has transpired I will take the time to make a decision."


IMO, he should offer NO glimmer of hope of possibly reconciling. She has to feel the weight of her actions.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you have all of the proof you need. She has been betraying you, humiliating you and disrespecting you and your marriage for a year. My suggestion would do the following:
1. Expose the affair to the OM's wife immediately.
2. Get tested for STD's.
3. See a lawyer to understand your options.
Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

First stay strong, we know you are in hell of emotions.Its time for your brain to work not your heart, then only you can come out of the hell you are living now ( i hope you can)

Dont confront her now, stay cool even if it kills you from inside, collect as much evidence as possible, else she will trickle truth and make you a demon, who forced her to have an affair.

cheaters never accept the affair as their choice, they want to shift the blame on you so that they can feel less guilty or save their face. Dont accept her BS blame, listen cheaters open their mouth to lie, lie and lie. Affair was her choice and she should own this crap.

Never ever beg her to stay, she is in an affair and screwing on your back means she don't have any respect for you or your marriage. so if you beg her she will loose the traces of respect left for you.
Play cool, even if its hard. Dont be so emotional, stay calm and deal with her without much emotions, this will be against her expectations and she will become terrified.

so wait and collect maximum evidences as possible and collect the informations regarding the OM.

Then get ready to expose the affair to all the concerned as soon as you confront her.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Expose the affair to OMW, she can help you to get more evidence and details regarding time line.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

By the way, if the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be wondering how to confront you about this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I am just wondering since this has gone on for a year if your wife thought even if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose. Did she ever bring him to your home? Expose and confront immediately. Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Brew--do not confront yet at all. You need to get more info first.
> 
> Try to remain calm as best you can and definitely don't let her know that you know yet.
> 
> ...


I disagree because even if he wants to D this gives her the out to confess


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ugh he logged out right after he posted, he's probably getting gaslighted


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She has an out to confess no matter what.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She has an out to confess no matter what.



no incentive as most cheaters trickle truth 

Ive seen this work before BTW


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But if she trickle truths, then she doesn't really care. Him telling her to confess all is one thing. Him telling her he's "not sure" whether he will stay with her or not--no dice, IMO. Hard consequences are the only things that work with a cheater.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> But if she trickle truths, then she doesn't really care. Him telling her to confess all is one thing. Him telling her he's "not sure" whether he will stay with her or not--no dice, IMO. Hard consequences are the only things that work with a cheater.



again, he states very clearly that unless he gets all the truth there is NO shot

if gets the truth there is only possibility and the consequences still get presented

I've seen at least 3 or 4 people approach it this way and got better results


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

My advice for those finding out about the affair before their spouse knows that discovery has occurred is to put in place the necessary investigative tools.

Put a keylogger on the computer. That way, if the wife immediately creates a second email account for affair correspondence, he will know.

Put spyware on her cell phone. That way, he can read any texts or see any calls she makes even if she deletes the logs.

Put a voice-activated recorder in her car. That way, if she talks on her phone, or buys a pre-paid phone to use for the affair, he is privy to the content of the call.

At that point, he can confront. And I think the default situation is to move toward divorce. If reconciliation is offered immediately, then the consequences of the affair may be too light to discourage future betrayal. Reconciliation can always to agreed to if and when the disloyal spouse is asking for forgiveness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> again, he states very clearly that unless he gets all the truth there is NO shot
> 
> if gets the truth there is only possibility and the consequences still get presented
> 
> I've seen at least 3 or 4 people approach it this way and got better results


Cool. We can agree to disagree.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Even if he doesn't confront her, she's going to know something is up. It's extremely hard to carry a poker face under the tremendous emotional stress.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

morituri said:


> Even if he doesn't confront her, she's going to know something is up. It's extremely hard to carry a poker face under the tremendous emotional stress.


Indeed. I hadn't intended to confront my wife immediately after learning of her PA. But, something being wrong was written all over my face when she came into the room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gather info, find the OM,and expose him first. Make the AP throw her under the bus, only when she is crushed should you confront,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I couldn't have waited. No way. The stress would have done me in.

I would just kick her ass out. Best thing I could have done when I found out was simply kick him out. I had all the evidence I needed when I read the emails. I knew what he was doing and didn't need to snoop any more. His ass was toast as far as I was concerned.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

More research is needed, put a plan together once you educate your self. 
You need to understand how to confront with confidence and having the strength to be ready to let her go. 

If the other man is married then you must expose this to his wife or girl friend.

The point to all this is to have an effective confrontation that will get the OM out of the picture, until this happens your f*cked.

You have to plan and set up this plan to make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible to continue.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Oh My Gosh, he's gone.

I hope he isn't having a panic attack or a big blow up, gosh-darnit!!! He could have said anything!!!!!!!! Take a shower, anything, he's probably confronting right now.

Oh, my heart is sinking for him.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Get those printed emails to somewhere safe and out of the house. See if she keeps a journal somewhere in the computer. 

How long have you been married? Do you have children? Does she work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even if OP jumps the gun and comes back with how his WW was "just joking" with OM and tells OP she'll NC, we can hopefully guide him thru the fake R he is for sure to get...especially after a LTA.

Hope to hear from you soon Brewster


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I have only been on this site a few months, and have little experience in 'trolls' (what exactly is a troll?) but does this man's thread seem real? The tone of it doesn't seem right or real to me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

troll=some one that either starts or replies to a thread with lies and starts ruckus. We are there entertainment.

I think most of the time trolls sign in to get a good kick out of how God awful my spelling is.

I personaly can't tell the difference between someone legit or a troll, but in my experience I have seen some off the wall stories, I would have thought Shammow's CWI thread was a fake but it wasn't. My point is, I give all poster the benifit of the doubt, and if its fake they just fade a way.

Often the vets will call them out and they either go away or stick around and give an explaination for the inconsistancies. Often you can see the inconsistancies of there story.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just like any lie, it hard to keep them straight when it continues.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Brewster is in Ireland so maybe the time difference is why he has not responded???

He probably lost it and confronted though.

oh well.....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he literally made the post and signed off


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe he's gun shy, hopefully he signs back in and sees folks are listening.
But who knows?


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Well my sis is in the UK we have an 8 hour time difference from the west coast.


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## Brewster (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi and thanks for all your replies. I just posted and I had to go to work yesterday thats why I didnt get back on this Forum. There is a time differance between the USA and Ireland so please understand that. This is not a "Troll" post!!
I have saved all relevant information, I have printed off what I need.
I do plan to confront her in time and when I have the right information and proof.
I dont plan on getting in touch with the "other guy" as I think by putting the time and enegry into myself for the next few months will work better.


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## Brewster (Apr 23, 2012)

I seen in one of the posts about a keylogger? any favorite ones that I could use, I need as much info as possible?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Brewster, most people will agree not to confront the OM (other man). However, if he's married, telling his wife is a fair thing to do and frequently OM will abandon an affair just as quickly as they enter it due to this. Do not use telling his wife as a threat to your wife, all that will do is get her communicating with the OM to get their stories straight.

Save the messages and don't show them to her. You don't want her to know how you know. She will trick you into thinking that it's over and resume communication some other way. This happened to ME PERSONALLY and many other people here. If you think you're special in that department, you are sorely mistaken.

Cheaters lie. They have grown very accustomed to lying because that is the heart and soul of their affair. Do not believe anything she says right now--just take it all in and VERIFY independently.

She will likely try to blame you for the state of the marriage. She will try to make you feel as guilty as possible for HER choices. Ignore this. There is time to work on the marriage once she OWNS UP to HER choices and shows TRUE REMORSE.

DO NOT beg, cry, plead, for the marriage. Women find it repulsive and a huge turn off. Stay STRONG.


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## Brewster (Apr 23, 2012)

I have booked an appointment with a counsellor for the weekend just to get it out of my system. 
Strangly enough Im feeling very very strong about this, maybe deep down I knew there was something going on but too afraid to be open about it and ruin our relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is he married/partnered?


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## Brewster (Apr 23, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Is he married/partnered?


I think he is married, but not 100% sure.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Expose the affair to OMW, she can help you to get more evidence and details regarding time line.


I'm genuinely curious. What more evidence is needed here? What would it prove that isn't already shown clearly?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Brew--you need to find out FOR SURE if he's married or not. Because if he is, YOU NEED TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR STAT to his wife/girlfriend. Ad you need to do that w/o letting your wife or him know beforehand.

That is the #1 thing you should be trying to find out right now.

Also, you are going to go through so many crazy emotions in the next few days/weeks/months, etc. Be advised: it's completely normal to feel completely off your rocker.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation but.......you are in good company here at TAM. We have BTDT and survived!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

This link is to a thread discussing keylogger software.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34897-best-keylogger.html#


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Brew, are you going to try to get more evidence? Like GPS, hidden camera or pictures of where she is? It's very likely she'll deny those messages one way or another.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Brewster,

You must emotionally detach from her in order to obtain the emotional strength and confidence needed to making the tough choices that must be made to secure their well-being as well as their children's (if you have any). You can do that by implementing *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.

Sadly most husbands are too scared to lose their marriage that they fail to realize that women lose respect for fearful men and when they lose respect, they lose all attraction for them. 

No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out, your emotional strength and confidence in yourself will make you a winner.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> I'm genuinely curious. What more evidence is needed here? What would it prove that isn't already shown clearly?


The purpose of further investigating now is to find out information on the OM and if he's married or has a serious girlfriend, and where he works if possible. That way the affair can be exposed to the OMW/OMGF or workplace.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I still don't understand why the 1st step is to inform the OM's wife.
He can do whatever he wants with his wife and she can do whatever she wants with him after he gets caught. 
Is it for moral obligation?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

once an affair is exposed the waywards will scramble to protect the affair and often prep their spouses with gaslighting- "Some crazy jealous wife is trying to ruin me"

exposing before confronting can prevent this and sometimes will destroy the affair if the AP throws the WS under the bus


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Because the vast majority of OM are in an affair for one thing, SEX. Once their wives call them out about their extra-marital betrayal(s), most of OM throw their married women lovers under the bus. Once the cheating wife sees that she has been used, her love for the OM turns to hatred for she finally sees that she was nothing to him but a good, easy lay. Reality once again reigns supreme over fantasy.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Also keep in mind the bigger picture of "your" life at this moment. This situation is going to change things dramatically, so secure finances, talk to legal representation if you so desire, shore up loose ends and hold yourself to a high standard right now. Maintain your dignity, and make sure there is nothing that can be used against you when she goes batsh!t crazy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> I still don't understand why the 1st step is to inform the OM's wife.
> He can do whatever he wants with his wife and she can do whatever she wants with him after he gets caught.
> Is it for moral obligation?


As others have pointed out, exposure is often an effective way to end affairs. However, there is also a moral obligation. If the OM's wife has no knowledge of her husband's affair, she may be making plans based on the assumption of a loyal husband. She may be trying to have children. She may be preparing to move with him away from her friends and family. If she knew her husband was disloyal, she may make much different choices.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to expose to his wife if he has One. He will then ditch your wife to save himself. 

Then once the affair has been killed you can see if you are willing to remain married to her. 

Exposé to his wife first. Say nothing to you wife. Don't even confront her. Just wait for the drama to hit her. Far far more effective than confronting her followed by her lying to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> As others have pointed out, exposure is often an effective way to end affairs. However, there is also a moral obligation. If the OM's wife has no knowledge of her husband's affair, she may be making plans based on the assumption of a loyal husband. She may be trying to have children. She may be preparing to move with him away from her friends and family. If she knew her husband was disloyal, she may make much different choices.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Exposure to the OMW/OWH is not only effective, it's the *right* thing to do.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> I still don't understand why the 1st step is to inform the OM's wife.
> He can do whatever he wants with his wife and she can do whatever she wants with him after he gets caught.
> Is it for moral obligation?


I would out the OM first and a little later confront your wife. Often the OM's wife does not take action thus a backup plan is to out him to his parents , friends and anyone else you can get hold of. Make his life uncomfortable and the affair difficult .

Never tell your wife what you are doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You seem to be solid, OP. Good.
Most of us broke. Made many mistakes.

Consult your doctor. Take care.

Keep updating TAM.


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