# I'm losing my husband over Games of War



## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Hi everyone. I am new here and I am not sure if I am posting on the right discussion group. I have been wanting to express the feelings that I have been keeping for the longest time. I'm sorry in advance if my story is too much and too long. But I would appreciate all the advice I can get from anyone here. 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have three beautiful children. After our second child was born, he started playing GOW (Games of War). I caught him late night sitting behind the couch smiling and laughing while he's typing on his cellphone. I thought he was cheating on me. But he showed me the game and told me all about it. How fun it was and how to play it. A few months after, he kept bugging me to download it and to play it with him. And I did. Anyone who isn't familiar with the game, well, this game is about building an army and destroying ones city. That's not all.. millions of other people play and you get to chat with them on the game. To add to that, players like to show off the battle reports and you can't do this in the game so what they would do is screen shot it and they have this messaging app called "Line" where they can video chat, send messages, call, and send pictures. Crazy right?? 

Anyways, it's been more than four years and he is still playing this game. I on the other hand, left the game. My hubby used to be take me out on dates and take us all out as a family. But ever since this game came into his life,all he cares about is work and Gow. Hubby works a lot of hours at work and when he gets home, he usually spends time with me and the kids on the couch watching tv. Now, when he gets home, he doesn't even say hi to me or the kids. He comes in the door, head down looking at his phone. I've tried getting him to quit but he said he will quit in his own time. 

Now that we have our third child, nothing has changed. He got worse. He would wake up in the morning and the first thing he would do is ran his phone. Goes to the bathroom and stays there for a long time. I'm talking about hours. After that he goes to the garage and smokes his cigarettes and stays on his phone still playing. When I would ask him to change our kids diaper, he would get mad at me and yells at me and tells me to "FEED ME FIRST BEFORE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Really? I mean, just me typing this is making me cry. I don't understand him anymore. When the kids talk to him, or if anyone is talking to him,he doesn't even look at us. Instead he looks at hi phone playing. 

I've tried talking to him. I told him that it's hurting me and the kids. That he's always at work and when he comes home, we don't even have his time. He told me I am over reacting. And then we would fight and yell and scream at each other. And it has gotten to the point now that every time we fight it's about him and that stupid game. He would yell at my face cursing at me and tells me that I don't pay for anything and that I'm useless and that I have never paid any bills. 

A lot of times I just cry myself to sleep. I am not happy and my kids are not happy. We don't have family time anymore. Just recently, on Father's Day, he came home late. The kids and I had set up a gift for him and put it on our bed. I have a baby monitor installed in our room and as he entered the room, he didn't even see the gift. He grabbed his charger which was next to the gift and he didn't even dare take his eyes off of that phone of his. 

I'm sorry if I'm ranting here. Please, can someone tell me, what would you do?? How would you handle something like this? I am lost and very emotional. Our kids are growing up so fast and he doesn't even see that or care at all. Any advice would be great. 

Thank you for reading. 

Sincerely, 
MamaxP


MamaxP


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he is having an affair with someone he probably met on the game.

You need to find out if he is or not, get him into MC and IC, with someone that has extra knowledge in addictions.

If he is not willing to do that and work on your marriage then you need to divorce him.

I am not usually one that says divorce right away, I think that a marriage is worth fighting for, but by the sounds of it, he is beyond help and he needs to hit rock bottom. He is an addict. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its possible he is having an online affair, but its also possible he is addicted to the game. One way to help distinguish is to start playing it with him again. If he is having an online affair he will try to come up with reasons for you not to join him.

If he is addicted, then you need to try to find other interests you share that you can get him addicted to. What sorts of things are you hoping to do together with him if he wasn't playing games?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Sorry, but it sounds to me like he is having an affair with someone he probably met on the game.
> 
> You need to find out if he is or not, get him into MC and IC, with someone that has extra knowledge in addictions.
> 
> ...


Even if he is not having and affair, it's not about the game if it wasn't the game it would be something else. He needs to see a physiologist, something is wrong.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't know If I had a choice between changing diapers and playing video games, I know which I would choose. @uhtred has a very good point. What (exactly) do you want to replace GOW with. if he is indeed addicted, and I also think he is, the only way to break an addiction is to replace it with something else. So far you have mentioned TV and Diapers. You are going to have to be more enticing. He seems to have an interest in food. What are you doing on that angle? Not that I think he should focus his life on food, but cooking is a passion many men enjoy. Many men also enjoy doing things with their kids, from Legos to scouting there is plenty there to get his interest. What were his hobbies before GOW and babies? Cars, sports, music , friends? Is there a chance of bringing one of those back?

To anyone: I'm a littile familiar with World of warfare, but Games of War is new to me. How big is this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are going through is sadly not all that unusual anymore. A good number of people, mostly men, become addicted to games. He might be having an affair. But affair or not, the game is a big part of what's going on. Stop the game and the affair goes away because that is how he is carrying on any potential affair.

Sadly you cannot get him off the game. That has to be his choice. The idea that you need to do something enticing to get him to give up the game is just nonsense. He is a grown man with responsibilities to a wife and family. It's his job to do those things, not your job to somehow seduce him into taking care of his responsibilities.

Is your husband AD/HD? A lot of men who get sucked into gaming to the level that your husband is have AD/HD. Other mental health issues also can develop because of this level of game addition.

I was married to a guy who did exactly what your husband is doing. It was on different games but the outcome was the same. He also ended up having online affairs via the games. He was laid off from work. And instead of finding new work, he just got even more involved in the games. Eventually I made an appointment with a psychiatrist who said that he had AD/HD (we knew that) but that he had developed OCD and agoraphobia from the games. The doc gave him meds. All the meds did was made it so that he could play the games even better. 

I think that you have three choices here.

1) Just continue as you are. But give up all expectations for your husband to ever be a real husband or father. This is who he has allowed himself to become. This is who he wants to be. So got get your own life. Take your kids out and do wonderful things with them. 

2) Divorce him. You will get child support. You will probably get alimony/spousal-support for a while at least till you can get some training and get a job. 

3) Tell him that you are not ok with his gaming. That either he stop, get mental health help or you are divorcing him. He will yell and carry on as you describe. He is very unlikely to believe that you will leave him. So you will need to file for divorce and he will need to feel the pain of losing you and the children; and the pain of giving up 50% of assets, paying you child and spousal support. Then he might wake up.

It's up to you which path you want to take. But I just do not see any other choices of actions.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Look up my first post here. It was Clash of Clans and my stbxw. Yeah, soon to be ex-wife. We fight together as a family, we went on line, we talked to other people, eventually she met some dude on line and they sexted, a lot. I found out and here we are. Now I think she is BPD and had a growing out of control drinking problem.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Sadly you cannot get him off the game. That has to be his choice. The idea that you need to do something enticing to get him to give up the game is just nonsense. He is a grown man with responsibilities to a wife and family. It's his job to do those things, not your job to somehow seduce him into taking care of his responsibilities.


I take some exception to this. He is clearly not a grown man with responsibilities. He is an over aged teenager with an addiction. You can't treat an addiction by replacing it with a vacuum. You have got to put something in there and TV is not going to cut it. 
If the OP was still interacting with us I would ask about the smoking because I think there is another addiction here. 

Also she has shown resistance to divorce or separation so she needs to fix the problem, not duck it..

On the other hand I do agree that this will never be easy. She may work and sacrifice and still have him turn again and again to his addiction. He may break her heart. But as an adult , (really an over aged teen who got herself in too deep) she has the right to risk her heart for him. She thinks he is worth it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I take some exception to this. He is clearly not a grown man with responsibilities. He is an over aged teenager with an addiction. You can't treat an addiction by replacing it with a vacuum. You have got to put something in there and TV is not going to cut it.


Could you please provide a link to the studies that show you cannot place an addiction with a vacuum? Surely the studies have been done. And yes even for over aged teens. >



Mr. Nail said:


> If the OP was still interacting with us I would ask about the smoking because I think there is another addiction here.
> 
> Also she has shown resistance to divorce or separation so she needs to fix the problem, not duck it..


She needs to come to a realization of what she can and cannot fix. The only person she can change is herself. Like he said, he'll give up gaming on his own time line. She has to decide how she is going to live her life and what she is willing to live with.



Mr. Nail said:


> On the other hand I do agree that this will never be easy. She may work and sacrifice and still have him turn again and again to his addiction. He may break her heart. But as an adult , (really an over aged teen who got herself in too deep) she has the right to risk her heart for him. She thinks he is worth it.


I would not call the MamaxP an over aged teen. Looks to me like it's her husband who is the over aged teen. He's already broken her heart. But you are right, it's her choice do what she wants with her life. That's why I covered 3 options.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Its possible he is having an online affair, but its also possible he is addicted to the game. One way to help distinguish is to start playing it with him again. If he is having an online affair he will try to come up with reasons for you not to join him.
> 
> 
> 
> If he is addicted, then you need to try to find other interests you share that you can get him addicted to. What sorts of things are you hoping to do together with him if he wasn't playing games?




Hi uhtred. Thank you for your comment. At first I really thought he was having an affair. But he gives me his account log ins. I really do think he is addicted. 

I forgot to mention, playing this game cost money. To be able to get up in power, you need to buy $99 packs and I can't even tell you how much he has spent already. It's heart breaking. 

All I want is his time. If not with me, at least with our kids. I told him that. And his response is always, "I just want to unwind." I get it, he is tired from work. It just breaks my heart when our eldest has to always ask him to play with him outside and he would snap at him and tell him to go to sleep. 

Before having kids, he was into sports. He loves 49ers, SF Giants, and the Warriors. He would make sure we would always BBQ and have some friends over. But that stopped after he seen the commercial on tv. 


MamaxP


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please provide a link to the studies that show you cannot place an addiction with a vacuum? Surely the studies have been done. And yes even for over aged teens. >


Fortunately this is not a peer reviewed scientific paper. This is a core principle in every successful addiction recovery program. See AA


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't know If I had a choice between changing diapers and playing video games, I know which I would choose. @uhtred has a very good point. What (exactly) do you want to replace GOW with. if he is indeed addicted, and I also think he is, the only way to break an addiction is to replace it with something else. So far you have mentioned TV and Diapers. You are going to have to be more enticing. He seems to have an interest in food. What are you doing on that angle? Not that I think he should focus his life on food, but cooking is a passion many men enjoy. Many men also enjoy doing things with their kids, from Legos to scouting there is plenty there to get his interest. What were his hobbies before GOW and babies? Cars, sports, music , friends? Is there a chance of bringing one of those back?
> 
> 
> 
> To anyone: I'm a littile familiar with World of warfare, but Games of War is new to me. How big is this?




Hi Mr. Nail. 

Like I told uhtred, after having our first born, we used to go out all the time. He loves watching movies. We would always go on date nights every week and catch a movie. You're right, he loves food. Besides me cooking, he loves to try new restaurants.

See, we had many friends back then. We would always spend time with our friends and I would let him go out on his own with his friends as well. He loves playing billiards and he is good in poker. Last week, I mentioned to him that he should go out and call a few of his buddies and play billiards but he refused and said " I'd rather just stay home." I don't understand him anymore. 

We don't even go out to the movies anymore. And he loves watching new movies that just came out on theatres. And when I tell him there's a new restaurant with great yelp reviews, he'd say "Get ready let's go!" But once we get there, he doesn't want to eat in, instead he wants to take it to go. It's not like him. 

I'm depressed because I don't know what's going on. Instead of talking to me, he'd rather chat with someone else who he does not even know in real life. I reached out to his manager a few months ago, and I asked if his company offers some sort of marriage counseling and she said that they do have it. I tried bringing this up, he brushed it off and said " We don't need that." 






MamaxP


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> Hi uhtred. Thank you for your comment. At first I really thought he was having an affair. But he gives me his account log ins. I really do think he is addicted.
> 
> I forgot to mention, playing this game cost money. To be able to get up in power, you need to buy $99 packs and I can't even tell you how much he has spent already. It's heart breaking.
> 
> ...


That is where I would start. it includes a lot of the necessary ingredients. A regular schedule, A lot of details to engage his interest, Other people who can rely on him being there. And of course food, a physical satisfaction.
The other truth about addiction recovery is that in every program the first step is the same, "admit that you have a problem" Ele is very rightly telling you that he has to make that decision. You can help him see that there is a problem. Filing for divorce is often enough of a shock to open their eyes, it is not irreversible. He seems to be hard to reach with just a serious talk.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Is the game played on a game console or a PC? 

If it's a console, you can simply unplug an hide it somewhere, or even just throw it away or donate it to your local thrift shop. If it's on the PC, you can delete his game account or block the game site. 

My wife has unplugged our PC when my son was smack dab in the middle of a game to do his chores or come to dinner. 


This admittedly may lead to extreme anger, but it may emphasize your point.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What you are going through is sadly not all that unusual anymore. A good number of people, mostly men, become addicted to games. He might be having an affair. But affair or not, the game is a big part of what's going on. Stop the game and the affair goes away because that is how he is carrying on any potential affair.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hi EleGirl. 

I've brought it up last night to him about quitting the game. And guess what? He was on his phone "rallying" and did not even hear me. Every time I talk to him or anyone talks to him, we have to keep repeating ourselves. And he doesn't even listen. It's like I'm talking to a child. 

I try to just let him be. But it's too much already. I mean, seriously. Everyday. That's all he does when he's around. It's like, he's here with us but he's not. If that makes sense. I just feel so sorry for my kids. They are still young, way too young. I thought about leaving so many times. But how can I when I pretty much turned my back on my family because of him? How will I feed my kids? Where will we stay? All these questions I have, I wouldn't know where to start or who to run to. 

Every time we argue, he would say all these hurtful words. He would even curse at me in front of our kids. He's not the same anymore. He would slap it to my face that I'm not working and that I don't do anything. That I have not paid for a single bill in our home. That's true that I am. It working but when I had a job I split everything with him. He makes it seem like if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have everything I have now. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is, I'm just thinking about my kids. I love them too much. All they want is some family time. My eldest would go to my uncles house every weekend and he would come home all the time begging if we can have a family movie night. How can we have family movie nights when his dad doesn't even watch the movie with us, instead he is on the phone and in and out of the house. 

I'm sorry. I know I'm ranting again. It's just, I'm glad I found this app. I have no one to talk to. I don't have any friends like I used too. So thank you for responding. I appreciate it. 




MamaxP


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

It must be maddening, an adult married to a child. I wouldn't worry too much about him cheating at this point. If he is not, does that make his behavior any more acceptable?

Tackle the behavior head on, but don't expect a whole lot of meaningful change. Children tend to be very egocentric.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Is the game played on a game console or a PC?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hi Rocky. 

Sad to say, it is played on smart phones. When his phone dies, he takes my phone and gives it back when it's dead. It's that serious to him. And when he can't find the charger, he yells at our eldest and tells him to get the charger right away. 

I tried locking him out of his account. He got angry and took my phone. He said it's his phone and that everything I own he paid for. So that did not help. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> That is where I would start. it includes a lot of the necessary ingredients. A regular schedule, A lot of details to engage his interest, Other people who can rely on him being there. And of course food, a physical satisfaction.
> 
> The other truth about addiction recovery is that in every program the first step is the same, "admit that you have a problem" Ele is very rightly telling you that he has to make that decision. You can help him see that there is a problem. Filing for divorce is often enough of a shock to open their eyes, it is not irreversible. He seems to be hard to reach with just a serious talk.




Four years ago he said he would quit on his and to not rush him. So I waited patiently. But he just got worse. His friends seen how he was addicted to this game. I even tried asking for help to take him out. He didn't want to go. 

I have him an ultimatum and he didn't care. He told me to get out and pack my things. I packed my things and left when we only had our first born. He didn't even try to come after us. Instead I see him online in the game having fun chatting. I ended up going back because I had no family to run to and did not have money at all. I was helpless and an emotional wreck. I still believe I am. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> It must be maddening, an adult married to a child. I wouldn't worry too much about him cheating at this point. If he is not, does that make his behavior any more acceptable?
> 
> 
> 
> Tackle the behavior head on, but don't expect a whole lot of meaningful change. Children tend to be very egocentric.




Hi Zookeeper. 

It is. I'm not really worried about him cheating to be honest. I mean he gave me his log ins. He gives me his paycheck to pay bills and he doesn't really speak to any of our friends or his friends anymore. I even went through his phone and sadly he used to have many contacts, now he barely has 10. And they're all co workers. 

He would always tell me, " just be happy that I'm not out partying with friends. All I do is go to work and come home to you guys right away. " I mean, yeah that's what he does. He's physically here with us but not mentally. Idk if I'm saying it right. I'm trying not to cry. 


MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@MamaxP

While I write out a response to the above post of yours, could you please give us some more info.


How old are you and your husband? 

And how old are your children?

What level of education do you have? 

Do you have any work experience? When was the last time you held a job?


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Doesn't sound like he's cheating but it does sound like he's addicted to the game. 

He needs to grow up. Set some boundaries and enforce them. Things like when he can play (after all house/husband/father tasks are done.

People with addictive personalities often replace one addiction with another. Getting him hooked on something healthy (or at least less destructive) is the trick of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@MamaxP

How the sex life? Is there any?


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @MamaxP
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm 26 y/o and hubby is turning 33 next month. We have two boys, 6 and 2, and 10 mo old baby girl. 
Both graduated high school. Went to vocational college and took medical assistant. And just recently graduated last month. 
Last time I had a job was three months ago. I had to let go because he said it was no use and that he makes more money and that I am only working to pay the baby sitter. 


MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> Hi EleGirl.
> 
> I've brought it up last night to him about quitting the game. And guess what? He was on his phone "rallying" and did not even hear me. Every time I talk to him or anyone talks to him, we have to keep repeating ourselves. And he doesn't even listen. It's like I'm talking to a child.


It’s like you are talking to a child because he is like a child. He does go to work. So he’s good at compartmentalizing. Work + play-games. Those are the two compartments he lives in. I don’t see on there for wife or children.

You have become his mommy and his maid.



MamaxP said:


> I try to just let him be. But it's too much already. I mean, seriously. Everyday. That's all he does when he's around. It's like, he's here with us but he's not. If that makes sense. I just feel so sorry for my kids. They are still young, way too young. I thought about leaving so many times. But how can I when I pretty much turned my back on my family because of him? How will I feed my kids? Where will we stay? All these questions I have, I wouldn't know where to start or who to run to.


Could you rebuild your relationship with your family? Why did they object to him?
If you file for divorce you will get support interim spousal support until the divorce is final. You will also get child support. When the divorce is final you will get 50% of all assets. You will get child support. You can also get spousal support (alimony) for at least half the length of your marriage. If you were married 10 years or more, you could get it for longer. The idea is that it is rehabilitative support that will help you get job training, find a job, etc.
Once the alimony is done.. you will continue to get child support until all the children are at least 18. 
If you will share the state you live in, I can get you the website that tells you all this.
You will also most likely qualify for student financial aid if you need it to get a degree and/or job training.




MamaxP said:


> Every time we argue, he would say all these hurtful words. He would even curse at me in front of our kids. He's not the same anymore. He would slap it to my face that I'm not working and that I don't do anything. That I have not paid for a single bill in our home. That's true that I am. It working but when I had a job I split everything with him. He makes it seem like if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have everything I have now.


He brings up that you have not paid for a single bill in your home because that’s all he has against you. And it’s not even real either. As a SAHM you contribute a lot to him, to his career, to his children and his household. Do you think that he could play computer games all the time if he had to do all his own housework, cooking, cleaning and take care of his children? Hardly. 

He sees you as having no power in the relationship. So, he’s pushing you around. 

You left him once to try to get him to change. But when he did not react the way you wanted him to do, you went back to him. So that taught him that he has all the power and you will put up with any **** he dishes out. 

If you want things to change, you need to do something that shocks him to the core. Like file for divorce. If you file for divorce, it will get his attention because he is going to have to give you more than half his income. He probably will not be able to afford those $99 game packs. He’s going to have to start thinking of finding a place and moving. He will have to do his own cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. 

That’s not like it was last time you left, is it? Remember that a divorce is not final until a judge signs the final decree. And even after that there is re-marriage. So even if you file for divorce, it does not mean the end of your relationship if the two of you can work it out.

Now if you are not ready to file for divorce right now, you can do some other things to start equalizing the power structure in your marriage. You need to either start getting job training, a degree or a job. You need to start working to be able to pay some bills since that I all that he seems to respect. Plus, you need to be in a position so that you can leave him. Right now, you are using the excuse that you cannot support yourself to continue to have to you and your children be abused.

And to be clear, he is abusing you verbally. It sounds like he is probably verbally abusive of your children as well.


MamaxP said:


> I guess all I'm trying to say is, I'm just thinking about my kids. I love them too much. All they want is some family time. My eldest would go to my uncles house every weekend and he would come home all the time begging if we can have a family movie night. How can we have family movie nights when his dad doesn't even watch the movie with us, instead he is on the phone and in and out of the house.


You are not only wanting him to stop the gaming for your kids. You want it for yourself too. There is nothing wrong with you wanting that. Don’t hid behind your kids.
You and your kids must face reality. Just ignore your husband. If your son wants family movie night than you and all your kids watch TV. Leave your husband out of it. He’ll do whatever he wants. 

How much do you talk to your kids about their father ignoring them? How much do YOU bring it up?


MamaxP said:


> I'm sorry. I know I'm ranting again. It's just, I'm glad I found this app. I have no one to talk to. I don't have any friends like I used too. So thank you for responding. I appreciate it.
> MamaxP


If you have no female friends, you need to get some. There is an website meetup.com, they have tons of meetups. These are things that you can do with your kids. Or you can find things for you to do with other women. You need to get out and build a support system. That’s extremely important. Why sit home with a guy who could care less if you were there?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> I'm 26 y/o and hubby is turning 33 next month. We have two boys, 6 and 2, and 10 mo old baby girl.
> Both graduated high school. Went to vocational college and took medical assistant. And just recently graduated last month.
> Last time I had a job was three months ago. I had to let go because he said it was no use and that he makes more money and that I am only working to pay the baby sitter.
> 
> MamaxP


When you were working, what percentage of your joint income did you earn?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> I'm 26 y/o and hubby is turning 33 next month. We have two boys, 6 and 2, and 10 mo old baby girl.
> Both graduated high school. Went to vocational college and took medical assistant. And just recently graduated last month.
> Last time I had a job was three months ago. I had to let go because he said it was no use and that he makes more money and that I am only working to pay the baby sitter.


No, you did not have to quit your job. You are not a child. He is not your father. You are an adult. You have to take responsibility for everything that you do. 

So what if your income only covered child care right now. To get the experience to earn more, you have to work to get experience. So right now, it’s worth it for you to work at whatever wage you can get. As time goes on you can get raises and earn more.
If there any kind of additional education/training that you can take to get a better income?

With this man, you have to work because he does not respect you not working. Plus, he wants you home with the kids so that he can spend all his time playing games. If you work, he is going to have to start doing more. That’s what you want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MamaxP said:


> Hi uhtred. Thank you for your comment. At first I really thought he was having an affair. But he gives me his account log ins. I really do think he is addicted.


You misunderstood.

It's very likely he's become 'close' to someone he's been chatting to WITHIN the game, using the chat app. 



> I forgot to mention, playing this game cost money. To be able to get up in power, you need to buy $99 packs and I can't even tell you how much he has spent already. It's heart breaking.


Sorry, but he's a dumbass. Actually, I'm wrong. He's a selfish dumbass.



> It just breaks my heart when our eldest has to always ask him to play with him outside and he would snap at him and tell him to go to sleep.


He's a selfish, emotionally abusive dumbass.

There's no reason to lock himself in the bathroom for hours - unless he's chatting and connecting with a 'friend' in his childish little game.

He can show you all the logs he wants, it doesn't mean he's just innocently playing the game. He's up to no good. You can take that to the bank.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MamaxP said:


> Sad to say, it is played on smart phones. When his phone dies, he takes my phone and gives it back when it's dead. It's that serious to him. And when he can't find the charger, he yells at our eldest and tells him to get the charger right away.
> 
> I tried locking him out of his account. He got angry and took my phone. He said it's his phone and that everything I own he paid for. So that did not help.


Why in the HELL do you continually serve yourself up to this piece of **** to be humiliated and degraded and made to feel like some kind of freeloader in your own home?

If I were you, I'd be getting myself to a lawyer PRONTO.

Game _*over*_.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I can talk to this a little. My family has a history of problems with addiction - gambling, alcohol and may be sex addiction in one case. Some people managed to still function, some destroyed their lives.

I got off easy in terms of addictive behavior, but I can and have gotten addicted to computer games. Its never gotten so bad that I fail to do other things, but the numbers on my hour counter on Steam are really scary. 

For me I'll get addicted to one game, but its easy to switch to another. For your husband at least see if he can switch to a free (other than purchase) game. Find something else addictive like Civ VI to at least stop the money flowing. 

I think you have to find other things to interest him. Its easy to fall into an addiction when the choice is a variety of unpleasant chores. 

He probably knows he is addicted. Most addicts do.

There may be nothing you can do. Addictions are surprisingly difficult to break. 




MamaxP said:


> Hi uhtred. Thank you for your comment. At first I really thought he was having an affair. But he gives me his account log ins. I really do think he is addicted.
> 
> I forgot to mention, playing this game cost money. To be able to get up in power, you need to buy $99 packs and I can't even tell you how much he has spent already. It's heart breaking.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@MamaxP

Have you done any searching online for ways to help people who are addicted to computer games? I wonder if there is something like Al-Anon for game addicts. If you are not familiar, Al-Anon is an organization that helps the family of alcoholics learn to deal with their addicted family member.

Well shoot, I just looked up and found some stuff:

Resources | Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous 

Spouses or Significiant Others Of Excessive Gamers - Story by SnowWhite | On-line Gamers Anonymous®

Gaming addiction - Al-Anon Family Group

There is a lot more.

Plus, there is a book that I think will really help you:

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie (Author)


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi, @MamaxP, old school ex gamer here once married to a gamer (my ex H). I quit before mobile platform became a thing. I grew up and he did not. 

I actually had a bad anger and addiction phase in my early 20s, but I had a wake up call and learned to kick the habit or face losing my marriage. I chose my marriage but unfortunately my ex H then went through his much worse addiction and anger phase (like your H) and he did not choose the marriage over his love of games. I was replaced with a gaming PC and he would never leave the house. He started talking with a group of very sexual, quirky people who would slag me off behind my back and I am pretty sure he emotionally cheated with at least one of them but I could never find proof. 

My suggestion is, you have to shock him with divorce and you have to be willing to go all the way. Addiction cannot be beat with ultimatums alone, but it's a good start. When he calls your bluff, file. Get rid of your phone so he can't use it, or get a [email protected] flip phone so he can't play his game. Watch him do anything to keep playing. It's sad but you must consistently SHOW him that you and the children will NOT support his habit. If it were drugs or alcohol instead of this game, I doubt you'd still be with him.. At least I hope you wouldn't be! 

He has a serious problem that you are not qualified to help cure. Ignoring it will not improve a thing, even if you think it keeps his anger at bay. You are even purposely trying to get away from him. 

Why stay in a non - relationship with an overgrown child roommate? It isn't going to get any better until you start acting in your best interest and that of your children.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

MamaxP said:


> Hi everyone. I am new here and I am not sure if I am posting on the right discussion group. I have been wanting to express the feelings that I have been keeping for the longest time. I'm sorry in advance if my story is too much and too long. But I would appreciate all the advice I can get from anyone here.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have three beautiful children. After our second child was born, he started playing GOW (Games of War). I caught him late night sitting behind the couch smiling and laughing while he's typing on his cellphone. I thought he was cheating on me. But he showed me the game and told me all about it. How fun it was and how to play it. A few months after, he kept bugging me to download it and to play it with him. And I did. Anyone who isn't familiar with the game, well, this game is about building an army and destroying ones city. That's not all.. millions of other people play and you get to chat with them on the game. To add to that, players like to show off the battle reports and you can't do this in the game so what they would do is screen shot it and they have this messaging app called "Line" where they can video chat, send messages, call, and send pictures. Crazy right??
> 
> ...




Thank you everyone for responding and giving me great advice. I will respond to you asap. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to help me out on my situation. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @MamaxP
> 
> 
> 
> How the sex life? Is there any?




Sex life? Oh god. -__- its whenever he wants it. But when I want to, "I'm too tired. I got work in the am!" 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> I take some exception to this. He is clearly not a grown man with responsibilities. He is an over aged teenager with an addiction. You can't treat an addiction by replacing it with a vacuum. You have got to put something in there and TV is not going to cut it.
> 
> If the OP was still interacting with us I would ask about the smoking because I think there is another addiction here.
> 
> ...




Sorry for the late reply. But I am still here. 
He smokes cigarettes. On our first year when I moved out of my parents place and got our own apartment, I was cleaning because it was his bday. I cleaned the bathroom and under the sink I seen a pipe hidden. I asked him if it was his and he said it might've been his friends when they came over. Then later on, found out he was smoking ice. That would explain his anger issues. 

I believe I'm just afraid. Like I said, I have no family to fall back on. Not just that, how do I even tell my kids? Or my eldest? I'm just confused out of my butt right now. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> It’s like you are talking to a child because he is like a child. He does go to work. So he’s good at compartmentalizing. Work + play-games. Those are the two compartments he lives in. I don’t see on there for wife or children.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You're right to everything. I don't know how many times I cried in a closet. I don't feel like I'm his wife. For god sake! We have three kids. Every time I tell him I need help with them, he shuts me off and tells me he's tired from work! Every time I tell him I'm tired and he doesn't do anything anymore, he gets very demonic and says " oh yeah? I don't do anything? Who pays your bills and feeds you guys?! Try working for once and try being in my shoes so you know what I go through everyday at work!" 

I already know he's abusing me verbally. And yes, he does it to our kids also. My son would always ask me why his daddy is like that. Why he's always angry. I just hold him close and hug and tell him that daddy's tired from work. 


MamaxP


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is really unfortunate. 

Is there anything still good in your marriage? Is there anything worth saving?




MamaxP said:


> Sex life? Oh god. -__- its whenever he wants it. But when I want to, "I'm too tired. I got work in the am!"
> 
> 
> MamaxP


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> Sorry for the late reply. But I am still here.
> He smokes cigarettes. On our first year when I moved out of my parents place and got our own apartment, I was cleaning because it was his bday. I cleaned the bathroom and under the sink I seen a pipe hidden. I asked him if it was his and he said it might've been his friends when they came over. Then later on, found out he was smoking ice. That would explain his anger issues.
> 
> I believe I'm just afraid. Like I said, I have no family to fall back on. Not just that, how do I even tell my kids? Or my eldest? I'm just confused out of my butt right now.
> ...


You have some medical education. that may have included psychology. I just have general psychology. I think it would be helpful for you to do some reading on addiction recovery. Alcoholics Anonymous has been so successful that most programs are patterned after theirs. I see there is an organization that addresses your problem. Why not go to cgaa.info and read up on what they have for Family and Friends. 
A lot of the advice you are getting is aimed at getting your husband to hit bottom, or at least a spot where he will feel enough pain that he will realize that he has a problem. As I mentioned the first step in recovery is to admit that you have a problem. I realize that you are very afraid to take these steps. There are some options. One is to wait until the kids are older and go back to work. Then you will be more able to confidently move out of the poor situation. Where this has already gone on for 4 + years I think you may not have the patience for that approach.
You love him and want to do things with him so this next suggestion is also going to be difficult for you. You need to start doing things without him. Including taking care of your own sexual needs. When he turns you down, and you should continue to invite him, just smile and say I’ll just take care of that myself, then close the door and let him wonder. When you want to BBQ, ask him in advance, then when he fails to be there just do it anyway. When you want to go to a movie or park or whatever with the kids, just go without him if he won’t go. And Do start watching his Football Games. Have the game on TV and the sound up. You have to be a bit thick skinned because you are going to get a lot of rejection. You also need to make sure he knows that you had fun. 
Hopefully this will do 2 things. One you will become more independent, and strong, and second He will see that he is missing something. 
You are still quite young and I know this is a tall order for you. Please seriously consider this advice. Addictions kill relationships. His future depends on your help to get him over this. This is absolutely the most loving thing you can do for him.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

uhtred said:


> That is really unfortunate.
> 
> 
> 
> Is there anything still good in your marriage? Is there anything worth saving?




That's a great question. I do think we can still save it. I feel like he's lost. Idk. But I know the guy I married is still there. It's just, idk how to get him back. Idk...  


MamaxP


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I may have missed it. Have you sat down with him and had a serious talk? Made it clear that his games are causing him to ignore his family, ignore you? Maybe even play a bit to male pride and say the he has even been turning you down for sex. 








MamaxP said:


> That's a great question. I do think we can still save it. I feel like he's lost. Idk. But I know the guy I married is still there. It's just, idk how to get him back. Idk...
> 
> 
> MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> That's a great question. I do think we can still save it. I feel like he's lost. Idk. But I know the guy I married is still there. It's just, idk how to get him back. Idk...
> MamaxP


The only way you will be able to get him back, and save your marriage, is if you are willing to lose it.

You are going to have to tell him that either he stops the gaming or you are divorcing him. He has to have his life shaken to the point of it scaring the hell out of him.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you have any access to anyone that can help you a little financially? I'd go right to a lawyer right now and have him served. When he confronts you, tell him if he gets angry or confrontational, you will have a court order against him. Simply tell him he isn't the man you married and you want out. See what he does next.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I may have missed it. Have you sat down with him and had a serious talk? Made it clear that his games are causing him to ignore his family, ignore you? Maybe even play a bit to male pride and say the he has even been turning you down for sex.




Oh yes. Many times. Actually, I just did again a few hours ago. And same response as always. " just be happy you're not a single mother and someone is financially supporting you guys. I'm always home and don't do anything anymore. Let me have this for myself. I told you I will quit on my own time. Stop rushing me. You're pissing me off!" 

It hurts sooo much. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Do you have any access to anyone that can help you a little financially? I'd go right to a lawyer right now and have him served. When he confronts you, tell him if he gets angry or confrontational, you will have a court order against him. Simply tell him he isn't the man you married and you want out. See what he does next.




I have my dad and my sister not far from me. But my dad and my sister and I, were not in good terms. And my aunt who I usually tell all my problems to is too far away. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> You have some medical education. that may have included psychology. I just have general psychology. I think it would be helpful for you to do some reading on addiction recovery. Alcoholics Anonymous has been so successful that most programs are patterned after theirs. I see there is an organization that addresses your problem. Why not go to cgaa.info and read up on what they have for Family and Friends.
> 
> A lot of the advice you are getting is aimed at getting your husband to hit bottom, or at least a spot where he will feel enough pain that he will realize that he has a problem. As I mentioned the first step in recovery is to admit that you have a problem. I realize that you are very afraid to take these steps. There are some options. One is to wait until the kids are older and go back to work. Then you will be more able to confidently move out of the poor situation. Where this has already gone on for 4 + years I think you may not have the patience for that approach.
> 
> ...




Thank you Mr. Nail. I really want to help him get rid of this addiction. I asked him today if he's addicted to the game and he just looked at me and rolled his eyes. I asked the second time and he got annoyed. Third time during lunch earlier today and he said " Yes. I'm addicted." I asked him what was so addicting? And even told him that I was once addicted but got tired of the game . He said "I like rallying and burning people. Getting my stats/kills high". That was the most dumbest answer I've heard. I just walked away and let him play. 

I am going to start doing more research online about getting him some help. And as far as doing things on my own such as pleasing myself, spending time with the kids, I will definitely do that. I want and NEED to be independent. I can't always rely on him. I need to learn to be able to live without him if things change between us. 

I love him but I can't live this life with him and with my kids. If he's not going to change, then the start will be on me. 


MamaxP


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Dumbest answer is right, but it is the key to game addiction. It is reliable, every time you win you get a little perk, a small reward. That keeps you going to the next one.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Dumbest answer is right, but it is the key to game addiction. It is reliable, every time you win you get a little perk, a small reward. That keeps you going to the next one.


And he gets validation from the other players, which is a huge ego boost. One of the sad things is, none of these accomplishments mean squat in the real world and the people validating him will remain a very insignificant part of his life. He chooses to pour himself into things that have tempted his brain but will ultimately cause him to lose everything of true value in his life.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

You mentioned earlier that when his phone is dead he'll use yours to play until it's dead. Why are you letting him use it for that? It is always said around here that there needs to be full transparency in regards to all phones, accounts, etc. IMO, this is one time where I'd put a password on your phone and not tell him what it is. This will give him one less way to play the game.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MamaxP said:


> I cleaned the bathroom and under the sink I seen a pipe hidden. I asked him if it was his and he said it might've been his friends when they came over. Then later on, found out he was smoking ice. That would explain his anger issues.


Jeez, the more I read about this tool, the more disgusting he becomes.


> I already know he's abusing me verbally. And yes, he does it to our kids also. My son would always ask me why his daddy is like that. Why he's always angry. I just hold him close and hug and tell him that daddy's tired from work.


The sad truth is that as long as you* choose *to be financially dependent on him, you'll continue to allow the abuse because you have no OPTIONS.

Change your situation and you'll see that* once you have options*, you won't have to subject yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN to this ass-wipe's abuse. Jeez, if you can't do it for yourself, at *least *do it for your children.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You know of course that this isn't how things should be. Its not a case that financial support "isn't enough", it that love and marriage are about ENJOYING doing other things with your partner. He probably knows that but he is addicted. 


The thing about most addictions is that people don't actually enjoy their addiction. I remember a family member who was a gambling addict saying that she didn't want to go to the casino. Just somehow the car turned on its own into the parking lot. She walked in, knowing that she would lose all the money she had on her, and the look around to scavenge dropped coins / tokens to try to play more. 

I know that when I'm mildly addicted to games like CIV - I know I'm lying to myself when I say I'll only play for a few minutes before bed time. Or "just one more turn". Getting points, or whatever somehow takes on a ridiculous importance. I'm just lucky that some part of my brain is able to save me - I'll lose an hour's sleep, but not the whole night. It doesn't really interfere with my life. (My wife goes to bed early and we sleep in separate beds anyway).

I think in some cases addiction is linked with depression. The addictive behavior provides a quick boost - sort of like a drug. A brief feeling of success in what feels like a dreary existence. 

Is there anything else that give him that jolt of happiness? Is he an adrenaline junkie - would some fast dangerous-seeming activity excite him? 

Its very unfortunate that sex doesn't provide that for him. It does for me - though sadly my wife has very little interest. Can you think of anything else that might grab his interest? There may not be anything. 

Sorry you are in this miserable situation. 






MamaxP said:


> Oh yes. Many times. Actually, I just did again a few hours ago. And same response as always. " just be happy you're not a single mother and someone is financially supporting you guys. I'm always home and don't do anything anymore. Let me have this for myself. I told you I will quit on my own time. Stop rushing me. You're pissing me off!"
> 
> It hurts sooo much.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going to still try to get him to stop this nonsense, you need to still also work on you becoming more independent. And that means you need to get a job.

It does not matter if all it does is pay for daycare. By having a job, you are gaining experience that will eventually lead to promotions and salary gain. Eventually your kids will not need child are. 

Work two paths... helping him and your independence.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@MamaxP

1) I'd of dumped him when I found out he was a smoker.... Disgusting habit. Red flag for poor judgment.

2) He won't stop until you serve him divorce papers. You've given him NO real consequences yet.

3) If 2 scares you then at least demand a schedule. (Only play M,W,F or 7-9pm etc.) Designate a "family time" where he MUST turn off the phone.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He does have an addiction. Unfortunately when there is conflict, he sinks deeper into the game. I would try to work on establishing a loving relationship with him, limiting criticism of the game, but talking about the nice things you two can do together. Absent that, then try to work on reasonable limits and keep your part by not disturbing him while he is playing


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> @MamaxP
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hi BetrayedDad. 

I've tried. Every other day I would just stare at him and give him a look. He would look back at me and would say "what? Don't start with me!" Then walks out and smoke while playing. 

This game has become his life. I told him the other night that his priorities are all jacked up! He said "not even!" He's always shoving it to my face that he's the one making money and paying all the bills! I had a freakin job at a medical office. Pay was good but not as high as his! He told me it was too far and that I won't have time to be a mom and a wife. I worked for three months. The doctors and medical director didn't like the fact I had to leave. They offered $3 more on top of what they started me. I had to deny it. 

I don't like how he always tells me that I have not paid or bought a single bill/thing. When in fact, I split the bills with him during the time I was working. I always tell him not to slap it to my face that he's the one making money. Because he knows how much I want to work. But once I do get offered a job and take it, here comes all these "but, it's too far. It's not worth it. How about the kids? You're really gonna trust a non family member to take care of them?!" I don't get him. I'm confused. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

Bobby5000 said:


> He does have an addiction. Unfortunately when there is conflict, he sinks deeper into the game. I would try to work on establishing a loving relationship with him, limiting criticism of the game, but talking about the nice things you two can do together. Absent that, then try to work on reasonable limits and keep your part by not disturbing him while he is playing




Hi Bobby. 

Thank you for your advise. I've tried what you said. Sometimes I feel bad for him. I keep thinking " maybe he's right. He doesn't go out and just goes to work and straight home." I keep telling myself that maybe it's a good thing unlike other people I know who parties and cheats on their wife. Idk.. 

Yesterday was his day off. Nothing changed. Wakes up and the first thing he would look for is his phone. Gets on GOW and would ask for the charger. I told him to cook for once and feed the kids. He didn't offcourse. He told me to get up and to feed them. Later on in the afternoon, I guess he was in a good mood. He told us to get ready because he is taking us out. The kids and I got ready. Went to Walmart to buy groceries. Then he said we needed to go home because his stomach was acting up and needs to use the bathroom. We don't live far from Walmart. Maybe 5min or so from home. We got home. He went to the bathroom. I was so tired I fell asleep on the couch. This was about pass 3 in the afternoon. I woke up and checked my phone for the time and it was 6:47pm. He was next to me and on his phone. I told him, "so that was your idea of going out and having family time!?" He said, "you fell asleep. I didn't want to wake u. Let's go. " I got so irritated I started throwing a fit and just yelled at him. Went straight to the room with my daughter and couldn't help but cry. I know he's trying but, gets side tracked easy when it comes to the game or whoever he's talking to on there. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

uhtred said:


> You know of course that this isn't how things should be. Its not a case that financial support "isn't enough", it that love and marriage are about ENJOYING doing other things with your partner. He probably knows that but he is addicted.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hi uhtred. 

You're right. I miss spending time with him. I miss my husband. (´ｰ｀)

I don't know what's up with him anymore. Idk if something is bothering him. Usually he would tell me. When he comes home he would tell me about his day at work. I listen. Ask questions. We would have a conversation on that. But then again, he's on his phone while speaking to me. 

There are times, rarely, when he feels like it, he would be sweet. Puts his phone away. Looks me in the eye and would remind me of how we met. What we used to do. And that we should revisit the places we've been to before we had kids. But that doesn't last long 


He used to always bother me about sex. After our first born, I wasn't feeling sex anymore. I hated it. I wasn't feeling it at all. I guess that's where I messed up, huh? When he really wanted it I was never in the mood. Our sex drive went down hill at that time. But after our third child, I would always try to act sexy and cute. Even wear the things he liked on me. It didn't work. He kept saying he was too tired. TMI but, I even tried sitting on him when he was hard late morning. And he didn't even try. He woke up and looked at me. And asked what I was doing. Well that turned me off. Now a days when we do it, it's when he wants to. When he needs it. When I say when he needs it, there are times he can't sleep. He tries to read his manga to fall asleep and play GOW but at times it doesn't help. So he would sex me up and after, he's knocked out. Sad. 


I tried to get him into the things he loved doing. It did not work. He would enjoy it for a few minutes/hours but there goes that phone again. And he gets stuck. 


Yeah, I feel hopeless. 


MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> I know he's trying but, gets side tracked easy when it comes to the game or whoever he's talking to on there.


It does not sound like he is trying at all.

The only way you are going to get his attention is if you completely setabalize his world. People who have addictions do not change until they hit rock bottom. For him rock bottom would you if you either leave him or file for divorce. And then stick to that until he gets help and fixes himself. And if he does not stop the game playing, then end the marriage.

You are enabling him and there fore you are part of the problem. I'm not saying this to be mean to you. I'm saying it in hopes that you wake up and do something proactive.

Get the book "Codependent No More".... you are you codependent and enabling him.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> It does not sound like he is trying at all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I know it's my fault too and you're right. I need to wake up and realize that. I need someone to slap me real good to wake up  

I will definitely look that up and read it. 


MamaxP


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jeez, the more I read about this tool, the more disgusting he becomes.
> The sad truth is that as long as you* choose *to be financially dependent on him, you'll continue to allow the abuse because you have no OPTIONS.
> 
> Change your situation and you'll see that* once you have options*, you won't have to subject yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN to this ass-wipe's abuse. Jeez, if you can't do it for yourself, at *least *do it for your children.




Very true. I could not agree more. I'm doing baby steps right now. I will get there.


MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> I know it's my fault too and you're right. I need to wake up and realize that. I need someone to slap me real good to wake up
> 
> I will definitely look that up and read it.
> 
> ...


I've been at the same place you are at. So I understand how you feel stuck right now. It's hard, really hard sometimes to face what is really going on. And it can be hard to find the emotional energy to do what you need to do.

When I came to TAM a few years ago, I was in about the same situation you are in. I was married to a guy who played computer games every waking hour. 

In my case he did not even work anymore. I had been the sole breadwinner from 2002 forward. I raised his kids from his first marriage (he had custody) and my son. I did everything in the house.

He played games.

I get that you are frozen and not sure what to do.


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## MamaxP (Jun 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I've been at the same place you are at. So I understand how you feel stuck right now. It's hard, really hard sometimes to face what is really going on. And it can be hard to find the emotional energy to do what you need to do.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What did you do if you don't mind me asking? Did you leave him and divorce him? Did you just wake up one morning and said "I'm done!" 

I wanna know how you did it. What was going through your head? What did you tell your son? 


MamaxP


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaxP said:


> What did you do if you don't mind me asking? Did you leave him and divorce him? Did you just wake up one morning and said "I'm done!"
> 
> I wanna know how you did it. What was going through your head? What did you tell your son?
> 
> MamaxP


His kids and my son kept telling me to leave him. They were very angry with him. His kids were especially upset because he had mostly ignored them for years. All the children were out of high school and either working or in college by then.

I was extremely depressed. So I went to a doc and got on antidepressants. Once I felt strong enough emotionally I took him to a physiatrist and told him that he had to stop the gaming and join the real world or I was divorcing him.

The psychiatrist told him that he had AD/HD and that because of the gaming addiction he had developed a serious depression and OCD. He took the meds that psychiatrist gave him. The med helped... they made it so that he could concentrate even harder on the games and play even better. (Yep... lot of good trying to help him did. )

Since he did not stop the gaming I divorced him. I did help him start a business so that he could support himself. And he still spends all the time that he is not working playing computer games. But I'm not married to him anymore so it's not my concern.

ETA: I did not wake up one morning and say I was done. I knew that I could not live like that with a man who acted like a 14 year old. It just took me time to develop a plan of action and work it.. getting the depression out of the way helped.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I understand the comments. I play a game where I rank in the top 1% of the country. Its under control but men are attracted to them. There is an understandable set of rules and structure. For some men, it is unsettling to have women became angry and they do not want to deal with ongoing conflict. 

Part of that may be upbringing. If you were brought up in a home where conflict was productive and helped resolve problems, one may welcome that. I think you want to try to bring him to a position where he sees the marriage as a productive thing and his game as a hobby or develops the ability to drop it cold turkey.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
I think divorce is much better than the situation you are in now. I think you need to talk to him, tell him you aren't willing to let things go on as they are. As part of that though, offer to "reset" the relationship. Both go back to the way you were when you loved each other - no blame for what happened before. A chance for everything to be good again if he will take it. 

If he doesn't, then I don't think there is anything else you can do.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Mamaxp sorry about your situation, it brought back bad memories. My husband gamed obsessively in the beginning of our marriage. 

I know your options may be limited. I left after a year of this craziness, IMO. Some just dont see how soul crushes this can be. 

He woke up when I left. He still games but it down from all day to a free hours a day. He improved for a good year or so. But old habits die hard sometimes. 

You have to take care of you and your babies. You basically are living as a single parent so continue to build on that. You can't decide for him or change him. You can work on you and find ways to improve your outcome. I know its tough with 3 kids but instead of crying after constant rejection, use that time and energy to take online classes or build on a trade that will help you in the working world.

Accept was is right now, he is lost is cyber world. But you don't have to be lost too. Find you in this crazy place. You can do it. Refocus. 

Grieve what was, accept what is and refocus on what can be built in you and through you!!


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## Drakon382 (Jul 30, 2017)

I started playing GOW in Dec 14 and quit in May of 2017. I quickly installed the LINE app as well to share information and screenshots of the game. I’m a married male with kids. I never had an online affair or anything. I can understand why significant others would be suspicious of that though. It’s very hard for anyone who has never played the game for a while to understand how addicting this game is. It is intentionally designed to addict you. The game is insidious in its ability to hook you in and keep you playing. The CEO has said, I dont want their money, i want their time. And boy does he get both.

Anyone who has played understands the pure adrenaline rush you get when you attack or are under attack. I literally thought there would be times that I would have a heart attack sitting on the couch while I was under attack. I played as a Trap, which used to be a cheaper way of playing. And over time I went from thinking anyone who spent $100 on a “pack” was an idiot, to dropping over $2400. And believe me when I tell you, that amount is LOW. Most people who actually fight in the game and participate in “kvk” have spent more. A LOT more, 10s of Thousands. You read that correctly.

The game is very social as well. You feel a responsibility to help your alliance. Ive made friends and met them in person. I was fortunate that my alliance was not mostly big spenders and most of the people were adults… meaning eventually we all decided the game was just trying to suck more cash out of us. This started in 2017. I went from buying a $99 pack every 60 days or so to having to buy one every 2 weeks to every week… just to keep up and play at a minimal level. You either spend or put a “30 day shield” on.

Now, I make over $200k a year. Which, according to the us census is more than 1.5% of the people in the country… and I could not afford to keep up without impacting my family and other goals in my life. Which means, most likely, if you are playing the game, you cant afford it

However, more than money, is the sheer time required to play. Especially in the beginning you had to log in every 8 hours or risk losing everything. then, to build back up, would take time. The game is designed to make things hard to do. It takes 1000s of clicks. Ive spent hundreds of hours making troops, doing research, etc. It finally just became too much work for not enough fun. It was hard, but I just quit, let myself get zeroed in one final fight. “Went down like a champ.” attackers told me, lol. I say this because it mattered to me. It mattered that I was a good trap account. Because the game makes you care. It sucks you in. Luckily, I quit and havent looked back. Im free!


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## HolyPepa (Dec 23, 2019)

MamaxP said:


> Hi everyone. I am new here and I am not sure if I am posting on the right discussion group. I have been wanting to express the feelings that I have been keeping for the longest time. I'm sorry in advance if my story is too much and too long. But I would appreciate all the advice I can get from anyone here.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have three beautiful children. After our second child was born, he started playing GOW (Games of War). I caught him late night sitting behind the couch smiling and laughing while he's typing on his cellphone. I thought he was cheating on me. But he showed me the game and told me all about it. How fun it was and how to play it. A few months after, he kept bugging me to download it and to play it with him. And I did. Anyone who isn't familiar with the game, well, this game is about building an army and destroying ones city. That's not all.. millions of other people play and you get to chat with them on the game. To add to that, players like to show off the battle reports and you can't do this in the game so what they would do is screen shot it and they have this messaging app called "Line" where they can video chat, send messages, call, and send pictures. Crazy right??
> 
> ...


Yes, indeed it is a problem I think..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie kitty has determined that this thread must die.


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