# Living in Limbo



## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

Hey I'm new to this website page but hoping I can find support not criticism.. 
I am seperated for 10 months...married 17 years.. me and my wife have had a pretty good solid marriage...OR so I thought..I found out 3 yrs ago she had an emotional affair with a guy from work...from that moment my life forever changed..I questioned everything.. I decided to stay and try to work thru it was her cause I adored my wife...it was a roller coaster..one day was great and the other awful.. we would argue like never b4. I said things I never did b4. I called her a ***** and how she destroyed our family..she slowly became someone I didn't know...going out, working out...just a big change...in the heat of an argument I kicked her out...I couldn't stop obsessing about the other guy ..and I never believed her anymore..we are on 10 months and she says she just needs time...wee have not as much kissed in 3 years...I'm stuck in a spot of giving her time or leaving...but so badly want to live our life out together like we planned...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Others will be here to help, but I will toss out my thoughts:
* no intimacy, at all for 3 years is not a marriage, it is a sham. Not sure whose fault it is, but that indicates your WW (wayward wife) probably is in a PA, not an EA. Why would you want to stay married if there is no intimacy?
* the roller coaster is normal
* you need to get out of infidelity, her needing time is keeping you in limbo. Her needing time is cheater speak for I want to bang my OM (other man). She needs to move back and be remorseful through actions or you need to file for D.
* her affair killed you ever living your life out like you planned, she lost being on board to those plans once the EA started. You need to think that the W you knew is no longer her, she is gone and replaced by your WW.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

First of all I highly doubt it was nothing more than an emotional affair if she was in daily contact with the guy. 

Second of all, it doesn't sound like she's interested in coming back so it's not a matter of what you want because there's a second person in this equation and you can't divide by zero or something like that. 

You need to accept that this isn't going to be fixable because you have no control over her and her decisions, you've already wasted 3 years of your life waiting around for a cheater to come home, it's time to pack your emotional bags and move on with your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The very first thing that you should know is that an emotional affair with a co-worker is a _physical_ affair.

Same thing goes for an EA with a neighbor, the Fed Ex guy, the milk man, or anyone else to whom the cheating spouse has any sort of regular physical access.

In your specific case, given all that time that's passed, it's likely that your wife has been involved with more than just the one OM.

After all, when a wayward cites a need for "time and space", what they're actually saying is, "I'm not done cheating just yet."

Get out of limbo and file.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> The very first thing that you should know is that an emotional affair with a co-worker is a _physical_ affair.


Absolutely True!

It amazes me how many BS come here and talk about their WW 1 year emotional affair with co-worker? What do they think they're doing... alone for hours at work or lunch? 

Working? :slap:


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

kootz said:


> Hey I'm new to this website page but hoping* I can find support not criticism..*
> I am seperated for 10 months...married 17 years.. me and my wife have had a pretty good solid marriage...OR so I thought..I found out 3 yrs ago she had an emotional affair with a guy from work...from that moment my life forever changed..I questioned everything.. I decided to stay and try to work thru it was her cause I adored my wife...it was a roller coaster..one day was great and the other awful.. we would argue like never b4. I said things I never did b4. I called her a ***** and how she destroyed our family..she slowly became someone I didn't know...going out, working out...just a big change...in the heat of an argument I kicked her out...I couldn't stop obsessing about the other guy ..and I never believed her anymore..we are on 10 months and she says she just needs time...wee have not as much kissed in 3 years...I'm stuck in a spot of giving her time or leaving...but so badly want to live our life out together like we planned...


You'll get support here, but also probably some criticism. She wants more time to test drive different models, with having the option of coming back to you when she feels like it. No self respecting man would put up with that. Sorry, I think it's over. You'll hear that over and over again because it is the truth, and the truth does hurt sometimes.

Do you want to be her last resort, second choice (at best), backup plan?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

"_No self respecting man would put up with that._"

No man that a woman can respect would put up with that either.


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## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating


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## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

So basically I'm just a doormat


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

kootz said:


> Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating


Dude if what she said is true, then you're physically and verbally abusive and don't seem to care, your only concern is "getting her to come home".

Work on yourself. When you realize that you treated her poorly only then can you hope to try to fix this mess.

As an aside, I suggest you ignore all the posts that say she's definitely having a workplace physical affair. The odds are good that she is, but it's not a sure thing as I said earlier on your thread. Members here are so quick to say "It's an affair divorce her immediately!" as if that's the only possibility.


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## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

browser said:


> kootz said:
> 
> 
> > Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating
> ...


 I would not classify myself as an abuser in any way..I was hurt by what she did...It's not an excuse in any way...she says that there in no way is another man..she calls or comes over every day..


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

However this plays out - reconciliation or divorce - everything changes. You will not have the life with her that you expected, after this. My view is that since everything will change, it may be best to start over with someone else who does not bring this stigma to your future. Ending this relationship removes this uncertainty. Yes, you'll have the new uncertainty of eventually dating and finding someone else, but that can be something to look forward to and enjoy, rather than something that will always color your view and trust of your wife going forward.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kootz said:


> Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating


She's still cheating.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

kootz said:


> So basically I'm just a doormat


Basically, yes, but the good news you have complete control over getting yourself out of "doormat" status. 

Look, you've not even kissed your WW in over 3 years, even though you're in contact with her every day. You've already caught her in at least one A, which as you've been told was/is physical. It doesn't appear that there are any kids involved. Exactly what are you trying to save here?

I know this isn't the life you wanted, but its the life you've got ... UNTIL YOU CHANGE IT!!! Time to see an attorney and euthanize this sham of a M.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

OP-speaking as a person who kept herself in denial for way too long-know that you and only you can get yourself out of this limbo you are in right now. It is hell and not a healthy place to be at all. What is keeping you there is what you said above and that is you want the life you imagined you would have with her. She has changed this with her actions and now you can either stay where you are and accept the she "needs time" excuse; or take care of yourself and get out of the situation right now. Really examine how this feels for your wife to say she needs time. Time to do what exactly? Aren't you worth more than her pondering about needing time? What this statement means is I need more time to mess around with other men and not you. No intimacy or kissing for 3 years is her answer to you about what this marriage means to her. You are worth so much more than that. Start acting and take care of you now and make some decisions about your life. Take care of yourself now~


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## kootz (Mar 10, 2017)

5Creed said:


> OP-speaking as a person who kept herself in denial for way too long-know that you and only you can get yourself out of this limbo you are in right now. It is hell and not a healthy place to be at all. What is keeping you there is what you said above and that is you want the life you imagined you would have with her. She has changed this with her actions and now you can either stay
> where you are and accept the she "needs time" excuse; or take care of yourself and get out of the situation right now. Really examine how this feels for your wife to say she needs time. Time to do what exactly? Aren't you worth more than her pondering about needing time? What this statement means is I need more time to mess around with other men and not you. No intimacy or kissing for 3 years is her answer to you about what this marriage means to her. You are worth so much more than that. Start acting and take care of you now and make some decisions about your life. Take care of yourself now~


 I so appreciate all of u taking the time to help me out...I know some see me as a,sucker or a,wuss for stsying.. but we do have 3 grown kids n our 1st granddaughter...so I was thinking somehow it would all change...I don't have the money to get divorce yet...so I guess I just focus on me for a while


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Write her a long letter, apologize at first for the names you called her, and then say that you are going to give her a divorce. Tell her that for three years there has been no intimacy between you and her, but she has seen fit to be emotionally intimate with another. Tell her she is free to go. Let her know that this is ALL ON HER. She chose to be intimate with another, this is the consequence. Tell her that there are more consequences to follow. That will include your grown children knowing what she is doing. That will include everyone she knows, including work, so that she can put up with everyone pointing fingers. Let her know that her AP's family will be finding out fairly quickly. A three year affair should screw up his world as well. Grow a set and let her have it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Taxman said:


> Write her a long letter, apologize at first for the names you called her, and then say that you are going to give her a divorce. Tell her that for three years there has been no intimacy between you and her, but she has seen fit to be emotionally intimate with another. Tell her she is free to go. Let her know that this is ALL ON HER. She chose to be intimate with another, this is the consequence. Tell her that there are more consequences to follow. That will include your grown children knowing what she is doing. That will include everyone she knows, including work, so that she can put up with everyone pointing fingers. Let her know that her AP's family will be finding out fairly quickly. A three year affair should screw up his world as well. Grow a set and let her have it.


Or, just divorce her and save the ink.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You can do that too. This is just the kick-off. It is the old piece of advice: If you get into a fight, PUNCH FIRST AND PUNCH HARD.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

kootz said:


> Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating


That's all BS, she just using that to justify not coming home and cheating some more. Just wants a sure thing to come home to if she gets dumped by the OM she's seeing. There's nothing left for you in your marriage, the sooner you end it the better.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

kootz said:


> Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating


Get some anger management help. At least attempt to acknowledge what you did(pushing) and are actively looking for help with anger. We understand your anger(trust us on that) but getting physical is not the answer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

kootz said:


> Hey I'm new to this website page but hoping I can find support not criticism..
> I am seperated for 10 months...married 17 years.. me and my wife have had a pretty good solid marriage...OR so I thought..I found out 3 yrs ago she had an emotional affair with a guy from work...from that moment my life forever changed..I questioned everything.. I decided to stay and try to work thru it was her cause I adored my wife...it was a roller coaster..one day was great and the other awful.. we would argue like never b4. I said things I never did b4. I called her a ***** and how she destroyed our family..she slowly became someone I didn't know...going out, working out...just a big change...in the heat of an argument I kicked her out...I couldn't stop obsessing about the other guy ..and I never believed her anymore..we are on 10 months and she says she just needs time...wee have not as much kissed in 3 years...I'm stuck in a spot of giving her time or leaving...but so badly want to live our life out together like we planned...


If they work together the affair never stopped. Every betrayed spouse wants to believe it was just "an emotional affair" because they can't accept anything else and will stay in *denial*. 

Check your phone bill.

She needs time to spend with her other man. You also want to believe it's all your fault because "she just wouldn't do that to me". 

You probably never exposed to other mans wife either. This just enables the affair. I'm sure they both are very thankfull to you for helping hide their affair.

You are in selfinflicted limbo


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Every time I hear someone say they're in limbo, I want to smack my forehead. And then ask them, ok, so what are you going to do to get yourself OUT of this limbo??

Dude, file for D and move on. Why you haven't done so already I cannot understand.


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