# Is this normal



## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

My wife's affair has lasted(off and on) for seven years with the same guy. I finally have come out of my fog after our last blow up where she asked for a seperation. I work out of town so I am the one out of the house. We have been married for 23 years and together since she was 14 and I was 16 . We had always been each others best friend, we share the same intrests, rarely fought and spent almost all of our leisure hours together. There have been multiple points over the last seven years that she would tell me that our marriage was what was important to her and that she was sorry, did not know why she did this and would break it off from other man and not contact him again.
I know these were all lies, she never broke it off just cooled it for a while . I have been doing the 180 ( as best I can) our only conversations are about kids, but I find myself looking for reasons to blame myself for all of this and playing the "what if" game in my head. Is this normal and how long does this last?
I have always said I would do anything to make our marriage work because I love her more than anything, but I realize that I will do almost anything . I have told her that if he is in the picture that I am out and we will divorce, there is no middle ground on this subject. That feels good to say but emotionally sucks.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

7yearloser said:


> I have been doing the 180 ( as best I can) our only conversations are about kids, but I find myself looking for reasons to blame myself for all of this and playing the "what if" game in my head. Is this normal and how long does this last?


Yes it is normal the for betrayed to try and rationalize by blaming one's self. It is also normal for the wayward to try and make you feel that way. The 180 will help you move past this and realize that her cheating was her choice not your fault.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

From your post I feel like you bluff about the divorce. She probably feels that too.

Get your act together and file. Let her fight for you, but be prepared that she won't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is the OM married?

Have you exposed the affair?


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## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

he is divorced 6 years and I have not due to my kids, our problems as a couple should not serve to hurt them


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

7yearloser said:


> he is divorced 6 years and I have not due to my kids, our problems as a couple should not serve to hurt them


So you allow them to be raised by a cheating lying POS? One who is with them the most? What hurts more, a divorse or being raised by this evil person? Tell me what a wonderful mother she is. So you are OK with mom being a cheat and a liar and being the role model for your kids? I am sorry, but this does or will effect them and will scar them deeply.

My brother was in a similar situation and did not put up with it. He got full custody of his boy and now 12 years later he a fine young man, has little to do with his mother and my brother is happily remarried.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What she is doing is extremely cruel to you. You don't do things like that to your loved ones. But she is virtually having 2 husbands here. 7 year EA /PA ? No person with a speck of decency would do that. Dump her sorry ass after exposing her to friends and family.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this OP but your marriage is a shame and you're in love with a phantom. When is enough, enough? I can't understand how you put up with this for 7 years.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Yes get a paternity test done and an STD test done. Your wife's actions show she has no respect for you whatsoever. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You are doing your children no favors. This is truly pathetic. You would have to be a masochist to remain in this relationship since it is clearly nothing more than a shame and a farce. She does not respect you because you do not respect yourself.


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## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

All comments are dead on I have been so blinded by my desire to have a relationship with her I have forsaken myself. Healing has to start some where and this seems like a good spot. 
As for a paternity test youngest is older than 7 , no matter who may have planted the seed I am still "dad" so that is pretty irrelevant to me .


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She wants to separate, she's the cheater,ask her to leave. Do not leave your house. When custody comes up she can calim you abandoned the family. Ask her if she needs any help packing.

Read here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html



and here:


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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