# Is it ok for my wife to be talking about my use of antidepressants with her friends?



## Txjhwk (Oct 9, 2020)

I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In short, and with great emphasis. 

No.

She should already know this. If not, tell her clearly and just once, not a discussion, to not discuss your medical history with anyone.

Wait for her to say I hear you, then don't bring it up again.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Women talk and they don’t mean any harm by it. Everyone is different, some people are open books and some people are private. I would give your wife the benefit of the doubt and not think too much Into it. The reality is, she probably didn’t think you would care and she meant no harm by it.

With that said, you need to talk to her and tell her that you heard she has been talking about your personal life, and that your not mad at her, but you do feel a sense of betrayal. Tell her you know you never told her not to tell anyone, but from now on please never ever talk to anyone about what you talk with her about. 

Don’t make a mole hill into a mountain.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Txjhwk said:


> Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.


So, first off, that's not how marriage works. Your wife's friend doesn't get to "swear you to secrecy" over an issue within YOUR marriage. Nope.

Secondly, obviously you do have to tell her that this is a private matter. She seems to feel differently, or didn't think at all, and you need to get on the same page. She is not a mind reader, nor does she share a brain with you, so don't treat her as such.

So, talk to your wife about this. Be direct, but calm, and explain how you're feeling and why. Hopefully it is just a one-off. If she talks to friends again, then that's a problem. If she needs to vent to someone, suggest a therapist.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No.

She can talk about her medications with everyone on the planet if she wishes but she can’t talk about yours without your permission.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It depends...is it something you’re ok with? If not, than no.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife is looking for sympathy at your expense.
She is an open book on everything.

It may be no more than that, or it could be a signal (to others) that she is having problems in her marriage.

And, sometimes later she will consider bailing, divorcing.

If true she is laying the groundwork for the narrative to follow.




_Gwendolyn-_


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

It was wrong of your wife to discuss this with her friends. But I am curious how you found this information out from her “friend.” What is your relationship with this friend? Honestly, antidepressant use is so common place that I can’t believe this friend heard your wife talking about it and was shocked and appalled enough to seek you out to tell you, but ask you to keep it a secret. That seems way off to me. What is her motivation here?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In my opinion it's better they know you're doing something about it. If I had a good friend and I knew her husband was having some severe problems, I'd want to know he was doing something about it. Women worry about their friends.


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

Txjhwk said:


> I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
> I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.


She should not have said anything without your permission. I went through a similar situation, one of which was very embarrassing to me. We now have some boundaries in place. We ask each other if a certain topics is OK to discuss with others. We honor the others no vote. In the event one of us slips some info out We must tell the other ASAP. 
i understand how you feel. It happened to me and it does feel like a betrayal of trust.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Txjhwk said:


> I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
> I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.


Forget secrecy for the friend.
Confront your wife.
Well, if you tell her this is 100% out of bounds for you and you feel betrayed and you do not want her to EVER do it again and it STOPS now.....and then she apologizes and 100% agrees to it then you may be getting somewhere.

If she defends her sharing of intimate, private info and acts as if she has no cause to stop then you've got problems.

Either way.....I think for a while she is one you can no longer share this stuff with. The one you trust the most has proven herself untrustworthy. Get a therapist or find another close friend or confess it to a pastor or counselor at church. Stop sharing with your wife. Let her know if she asks that she cannot be trusted and she has proven herself to not be a safe person to share with.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Totally unacceptable.

I would say, “I know I have been going through adjustments with my new med. Thanks for being understanding and patient with me. I feel that my medical decisions as far as treatment and medications are private, and I want those to remain between you and I. Please do not discuss them with your family or friends.”


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You did not mention specifically, but depression meds may interfere libido. Surely, she would not discuss the sexual influences?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sunsetmist said:


> You did not mention specifically, but depression meds may interfere libido. Surely, she would not discuss the sexual influences?


I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects 

What I was thinking also.

Including male friends?

My mom used to talk about and belittle my dad due to his ED from diabetes. Always figured part of it was a lack of desire for her.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Women talk and they don’t mean any harm by it. Everyone is different, some people are open books and some people are private. I would give your wife the benefit of the doubt and not think too much Into it. The reality is, she probably didn’t think you would care and she meant no harm by it.
> 
> With that said, you need to talk to her and tell her that you heard she has been talking about your personal life, and that your not mad at her, but you do feel a sense of betrayal. Tell her you know you never told her not to tell anyone, but from now on please never ever talk to anyone about what you talk with her about.
> 
> Don’t make a mole hill into a mountain.


I completely agree with this. I'm a very private person and i would be very upset with this too.

BUT everyone is different and I'm amazed at some things people openly share about themselves. If you're very open about yourself, it's sometimes must be hard to see that others need much more privacy. Obviously it was wrong for her to assume anything on the OP's behalf. Unless there is an indication that she was being malicious (this does not seem to be the case), then approaching it calmly and trying to get her to understand your need for privacy is better than yelling at her and blaming her. She doesn't need to completely understand your need for privacy but she does need to respect it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is no right answer. If you feel hurt talk to her about it. She may be one of those open people who don't worry about stuff like that. Neither one is wrong it's something you negotiate in marriage. Now that does as long as she wasn't putting you down, but just talking about it, even asking for advice is OK for some. Being dismissive is not in any context.

By the way One in Six people are on antidepressants in the US, if that is where you are from and bet it gets higher with the way the world is today. Nothing to be ashamed of.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Txjhwk said:


> I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
> I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.


She definitely should not be disclosing any of that information. I would let her know that immediately. Even if you didn't tell her so explicitly, tell her so now.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

That’s a huge betrayal. Can not be excused by “women like talking about things”... you can talk about yourself all you want, but you do not put your spouses private, intimate information out there. I can see it maybe in sharing it with one closest friend who would take it to the grave.but discussing it with a group of friends? I am in the middle of divorce and there are still things that I will never share about my STBX out os plain, simple respect for his privacy.


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## Txjhwk (Oct 9, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> It was wrong of your wife to discuss this with her friends. But I am curious how you found this information out from her “friend.” What is your relationship with this friend? Honestly, antidepressant use is so common place that I can’t believe this friend heard your wife talking about it and was shocked and appalled enough to seek you out to tell you, but ask you to keep it a secret. That seems way off to me. What is her motivation here?


It is a male friend which I trust nothing is happening between them. Some of the things she is saying are deeply personal including weird thoughts (not threatening or about my wife at all) I am discussing with a therapist. He felt it had crossed a line but didn’t want to be the one to disrupt our marriage.


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## Txjhwk (Oct 9, 2020)

sokillme said:


> There is no right answer. If you feel hurt talk to her about it. She may be one of those open people who don't worry about stuff like that. Neither one is wrong it's something you negotiate in marriage. Now that does as long as she wasn't putting you down, but just talking about it, even asking for advice is OK for some. Being dismissive is not in any context.
> 
> By the way One in Six people are on antidepressants in the US, if that is where you are from and bet it gets higher with the way the world is today. Nothing to be ashamed of.


Thank You but it’s not the fact I’m on the meds it’s the things I am working through with my therapist that I thought should be a private matter.


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## Txjhwk (Oct 9, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> It was wrong of your wife to discuss this with her friends. But I am curious how you found this information out from her “friend.” What is your relationship with this friend? Honestly, antidepressant use is so common place that I can’t believe this friend heard your wife talking about it and was shocked and appalled enough to seek you out to tell you, but ask you to keep it a secret. That seems way off to me. What is her motivation here?


this friend who is a male is my friend too. He knows me well enough to know that the things she is discussing would be unacceptable to me and most other people.


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## Txjhwk (Oct 9, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> You did not mention specifically, but depression meds may interfere libido. Surely, she would not discuss the sexual influences?


It’s not a libido issue however she has discussed sexual issues between us with friends.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nope. Totally inappropriate.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The fact that the friend is a male makes this even more inappropriate. Have you talked to her about it yet?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd definitely sit her down and have the talk.
I'd take the tact that you know she is out talking about your personal business. Do not disclose source. Then evaluate her reaction/response.
If her response is that she only told the one friend that told you, I'd be doing some serious "Homework" and investigation to rule out or verify other "Potential issues."
I'd (at minimum) put a few VAR's in strategic places and be checking her phone.
Her actions are simply inexcusable, and she needs to be held to account. I'd make her do some serious work to rebuild trust.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Txjhwk said:


> Thank You but it’s not the fact I’m on the meds it’s the things I am working through with my therapist that I thought should be a private matter.


and they should stay private. you need to talk to your wife about keeping her mouth shut


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

absolutely not ok.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Txjhwk said:


> I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
> I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.


Your wife probably wanted help and guidance from her support group. 

One member of her support group can't keep her mouth shut. Which is most unhelpful.

You need to learn if your wife had good motives or bad motives in doing what she did. (By which I mean swapping likely side effects, asking for personal stories, etc, or making sneering references.) 

If the latter, you do have problems.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Txjhwk said:


> It’s not a libido issue however she has discussed sexual issues between us with friends.


With male friends?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One of my close running girlfriends tells me sll kinds of things about her husband including his use of antidepressants and the side effects. I've known them a long time and I like her hb....I'm pro their marriage as long as it's good for both of them. In fact, my guy and I are having dinner with them soon.

I think it's just for support.....women do that a lot. It has no impact on what i think of her hb....i like him, and I certainly don't spread his business around.

I'm sure she shares with other running friends too as i know they do the same thing about their husbands. We all know everyone's husband/partner and everyone is liked, and if they're not liked it isn't because they take medication.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. We're all grown and we all know everyone' has their issues.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Txjhwk said:


> this friend who is a male is my friend too. He knows me well enough to know that the things she is discussing would be unacceptable to me and most other people.


That makes it even worse IMO. And any chance this friend might make a move on your wife? Opposite sex friendships are risky.


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