# Maybe I'm not feminine enough?



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Sometimes I wonder if maybe the problem with our sex life is that he is not attracted to me because I'm not "girlly" enough? I've asked him this before and he said no, but I wonder if he only says that to spare my feelings?

I don't like to wear makeup. I do when I have to for things like job interviews or going out to dinner. But in all honesty I hate the stuff. I don't like fashion at all. I hate dresses and skirts, you'll almost always find me in jeans, t-shirts or slacks and a simple blouse for work. 

Even my interests and hobbies are not very girl like. I'm a huge military history buff. Esp. the American Civil War. I love to explore old battle fields. I also like bones and fossils, canoeing, and hiking. Even the books I like are not girly books. Instead of hack writers like Daniel Steel and Jackie Collins I much prefer Patrick O'Brian or Bernard Cornwell. 

Last night a girlfriend of mine took me to a Party Lite party. It's a brand of candles and candles holders and scented wax and stuff. OMG! It was horrible. The smell was overwhelming. There must have been 40 candles going. I stayed as long as possible but after 40 minutes I was starting to gag. I told my friend I was going home I stepped out side to get some fresh air. Her husband was outside smoking a cig and I about asked him for a drag off of it just to get that smell out of my sinus. (I swear I could literally taste the candles by then) and I told him "I don't know how those women in there can handle it..." He laugh and said I was such a guy. But there must have been 30 ladies in there having a good time and all I wanted to do was escape. I was much happier hanging out with the husbands outside. 

Maybe I should work on developing a more feminine attitude and look? What do you guys think? Is a non-girlly woman a turn off?


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

That is an interesting question. I'm a straight female and I don't have a feminine bone in my body. I'm not masculine but I'm sort of... neither.. lol. Never worn makeup in my life, and it's been about 10 years since I wore a dress, which was because in school it was the rules. I've asked my husband many times if that is a problem for him (not in a confronting way lol.. i was curious). He said he has never even really thought about it - he kind of likes it because I have the same interests as him and we have a lot in common, whereas a girly-girl would not enjoy a lot of these hobbies. I've had quite a few boyfriends in the past and I'd asked them, and none of them had any problems with it at all.

It really surprised me every time someone said it was no big thing, because I always thought that masculine people were attracted to feminine people and that was kind of the law of nature. But it sounds like that is not the case.

This probably isn't the case for all men on the planet ofcourse, but it does seem to me like there are a huge population of men out there that don't really worry about stuff like this.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

first of all, unless you have changed since you got married he knew what he was getting.

now advice, everything can get stale. change can be good, i'm not talking about changing who you are but maybe how you look. i know my wife can just get into a rut of looking and acting the same all of the time. same nasty around the house clothes and ratty hair. i'm sure she could say the same for me (sans the hair  )

getting too far into a rut is a turnoff for men and women. change it up.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

My husband is _very_ happy that I'm not a girly-girl. No make up, no dresses (except for our wedding), mostly just hanging out with the guys getting dirty (I'm an avid mountaineer)...

In fact all of our single guy buddies are actually looking for the non-girly-girl type so they can share their hobbies rather than being nagged to give them up.

Don't sweat it!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Don't change who you are, but certainly try to present the best image of who you are. 

You don't HAVE to go all lipstick and eyeliner. But get your hair done in a nice style and wear figure flattering jeans/shirts/slacks. I live in sweats for the most part in the winter, but when they are Abercrombie and Fitch "Perfect Butt" pants, my husband has NO complaints.

Oh, and wear sexy underthings, even cotton can be sexy if it's the right style. That will give him some exciting eye candy and men are visual creatures.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I do want to stress though, be yourself! If you aren't into figure hugging clothes, sexy lingerie or makeup, don't force yourself. I would be extremely uncomfortable doing any of these things, so I don't do them. I like what someone said about how your husband knew how you were when he married you, so it obviously isn't a problem for him! He loves you for YOU, not the clothes you wear or the underpants you have on. So just look your best in the way that YOU feel comfortable! That should do the trick


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I don't think he loves me. I really don't. I don't think he knows what love is. I think he just likes playing house. He says he loves me, but his actions to me speak otherwise. 

He loves his children. He loves his mom. He loves his computer games. But I'm always last in line. I'm always behind his job, the kids, the computer friends. So no, I do not think he loves me for me.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

sailorgirl said:


> I don't think he loves me. I really don't. I don't think he knows what love is. I think he just likes playing house. He says he loves me, but his actions to me speak otherwise.
> 
> He loves his children. He loves his mom. He loves his computer games. But I'm always last in line. I'm always behind his job, the kids, the computer friends. So no, I do not think he loves me for me.


Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel without mincing words. Will it help things? I can't guarantee that, but at least he won't be able to say you didn't tell him anything.

But I can totally relate to you on the above points. I told my husband the other day "you don't love me, you love the things I do for you. Every time I ask why you love me, you start talking about what I do, not who I am". Then, he threw out the generic "you're sweet, that's why I love you..." comment. Excuse me? Lol, I'm not a "sweet" person. Out of all the adjectives I can use to describe myself, "sweet" is not one of them.

Anyway, we also have an issue with him not putting me first, and I told him that I won't be in a marriage where I'm not top priority, since I make him mine. 

I really can't give you much advice other than talking, since I still have problems with this myself. Threatening to divorce didn't help my situation, neither did separating from him for 7 months...he just returned to the same person I left within days after I agreed to reconcile.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sailorgirl said:


> I don't think he loves me. I really don't. I don't think he knows what love is. I think he just likes playing house. He says he loves me, but his actions to me speak otherwise.
> 
> He loves his children. He loves his mom. He loves his computer games. But I'm always last in line. I'm always behind his job, the kids, the computer friends. So no, I do not think he loves me for me.


i don't mean to sound harsh, but you sound like a defeatist and someone who lacks confidence in themselves. maybe your just sounding this way about this particular subject but maybe you need to really evaluate yourself. changing things up and dressing to look good exhibits confidence. as a man, i cannot stand to see my wife acting weak and helpless, and i would catagorize what you have stated your actions to be as just that.

i have had to make some changes to myself in the past few years, mostly related to being negative. i was negative because i was unhappy. my wife really hasn't worked on her issues much but i am happier for working on mine.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i don't mean to sound harsh, but you sound like a defeatist and someone who lacks confidence in themselves. maybe your just sounding this way about this particular subject but maybe you need to really evaluate yourself. changing things up and dressing to look good exhibits confidence. as a man, i cannot stand to see my wife acting weak and helpless, and i would catagorize what you have stated your actions to be as just that.
> 
> i have had to make some changes to myself in the past few years, mostly related to being negative. i was negative because i was unhappy. my wife really hasn't worked on her issues much but i am happier for working on mine.


What I wrote is how I really feel. I'm at the end of my rope and currently trying to find a way out of this marriage. 

How has my actions stated that I'm weak and helpless? I don't think I'm weak or helpless--I just do not feel that he loves me. And that is not a weak helpless thing to say. It takes a lot of courage for me to have to admit that to myself. It tears me up inside to say aloud to myself that looking over the years that my hubby has always put me last, and this pattern of behavior is not that of love. 

Do you think that is easy for me to admit? And then say it aloud and put it in writting and then have someone like you come along and say "oh you're just being weak and helpless" put myself out there for people like you to critize int he hopes that someone might have some sort of wisdom they can share? 

You think what ever you want to think about me. But I do not se myself as a weak and helpless female. And that is all that matters.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think okiedokie was trying to say you were this little weak person, I think he was trying to get to you that it seems that your H's actions have made your self esteem take a hit. ( Happens with a lot of people, including me). 

I am not a girly girl either. I am built for sports. I love being outdoors and doing just about anything. But I have a nice balance for my H. I will wear a nice dress on special occasions. I never have my finger nails painted, but I can dress up and be sexy for him now and again. I have a variety of stuff, some of it nice and sexy some of it tshirts and jeans or jean shorts. Not a biggie.

I know the feeling of being put last and I get how much that hurts. Its hard to feel like your spouse doesn't love you. Heartbreaking actually. My suggestion is to stop thinking about why he isn't happy with you, and start focusing on you being happy with you instead. You said that you are thinking of leaving the marraige, so find out what is going to make you happy. Maybe even see a counselor to sort yourself out and make sure you have thought everything out!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sailorgirl said:


> What I wrote is how I really feel. I'm at the end of my rope and currently trying to find a way out of this marriage.
> 
> How has my actions stated that I'm weak and helpless? I don't think I'm weak or helpless--I just do not feel that he loves me. And that is not a weak helpless thing to say. It takes a lot of courage for me to have to admit that to myself. It tears me up inside to say aloud to myself that looking over the years that my hubby has always put me last, and this pattern of behavior is not that of love.
> 
> ...



ok, the opening line of your original post lead me to say what i said. you act as if you have an idea what is wrong. if your looking for validation that this all falls on him you will likely get it from some folks in here. if your looking for suggestions from different viewpoints you will likely get that also. the fact that you shot back with the above post tells me its the former. 

i included the admition that i recognized the need for me to change to validate my position that sometimes you have to buck up and do things on your own to facilitate the desired result. its about getting over the fact that you MAY be playing a role in the problem and doing what YOU can do to fix it. i am not here to degrade you or argue with you, sorry it came across that way.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Perhaps he puts you last, because he does love you, and because you've allowed it to happen? People have a need to take the most important things in their life for granted, it's a form of reassurance. I'm not saying that's okay, I'm saying that's what happens a lot of times.

Have you tried to talk to him about how you feel, without blaming him or accusing him of not loving you? Perhaps he just needs to understand that his off-handed treatment of you leaves you feeling unloved.


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