# It's our anniversary



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Mrs and I are celebrating our anniversary.
As it usually is, I plan things for her as if it is a special event for her alone.

I get her flowers.
I get her chocolates.
I get her a card.
I take her (and the kids) to a fancy place for dinner.
I give her a hug and tell her I love her.

She does wish me happy anniversary first thing in the morning though.

She does not give me a kiss, I have to kiss her and she just "gets kissed".

I bet there isn't going to be anniversary sex tonight because she has to wake up early tomorrow morning for a run.

If I say something, she will say I am making her feel guilty about herself and get angry. 

I don't expect gifts or anything big, but some enthusiasm and some love would be nice. And maybe some nice words about the last so many years. I generally hear complaints but never any nice words. If things were that bad, she would have left by now. Things seem to have changed forever after the kids came. 

Maybe I am hoping for too much.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Mrs and I are celebrating our anniversary.
> As it usually is, I plan things for her as if it is a special event for her alone.
> 
> I get her flowers.
> ...


Why are you acting like a doormat? That does NOT get women interested in you sexually. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and get back to us.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't think you are asking too much. Forget about the materialistic items, what you are asking for seems very reasonable.

Question, is your anniversary a bigger deal for her or you?

Why not go to dinner without the kids, seems to defeat the purpose of going out for your anniversary?

What would happen if you stopped giving the card/flowers/chocolates?


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

and for how many anniversaries has this non response from her been happening?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Mrs and I are celebrating our anniversary.
> As it usually is, I plan things for her as if it is a special event for her alone.
> 
> I get her flowers.
> ...



Nirvana, 

Your anniversary is something that she should treat as special also. I know you have expectations and needs that are not being met. You have not told her in a direct way, that part is on you. If you allow something to continue and never say a thing and just simmer in resentment, it is a bit unfair to the other person, just saying.

I'm not saying she is right because it is flat out lousy for a partner to do that much less reciprocating. It is a recipe for disaster. But silent acceptance while building resentment about things is too.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are clearly filled with resentment over this. You either talk to her about it, or you can stew until there's nothing left. Your call.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bring nothing. Do nothing. I'm certain you will get a rise our of your W. If she asks why you planned nothing state that you did not want to interfere with her early morning run.


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Mrs and I are celebrating our anniversary.
> As it usually is, I plan things for her as if it is a special event for her alone.
> 
> I get her flowers.
> ...


Happy Anniversary!

You know the making a big deal out of a special day that should be special to both of you is great. But are you doing it for your wife or for yourself? If you are doing it for yourself keep on keeping on. But if you are doing it to get a response from your wife on how great you are for doing it, stop it. Apparently your wife is not a celebration type of person. 

I was the one that used to get all excited about birthdays, anniversaries, and such. The significant other, not so much. It frustrated me for years. Finally I gave in and quit because I figured out if I was doing it expecting a response it wasn't working the way I wanted it to work. This didn't mean the significant other didn't think those days were special it just meant they were special in a different way. 

So think about why you do the big deal about the anniversary. Is it for you or for her? And maybe talk to her and see what her idea of a celebration might be. 

I am sorry you are disappointed in the reaction you got but I hope you can enjoy your anniversary anyway.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't think you are asking too much. Forget about the materialistic items, what you are asking for seems very reasonable.
> 
> Question, is your anniversary a bigger deal for her or you?
> 
> ...


We don't have family around here to drop the kids off, and besides, my wife wants to make this a "family" thing. Last year her parents were visiting, so I booked us a hotel room and she called home 3 times to make sure they were fine.

If I don't give her all that stuff, she will bring it up at a different time and crib about it. "For our anniversary, I I didn't even get a card or flowers from you... boo hoo"


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Nirvana,
> 
> Your anniversary is something that she should treat as special also. I know you have expectations and needs that are not being met. You have not told her in a direct way, that part is on you. If you allow something to continue and never say a thing and just simmer in resentment, it is a bit unfair to the other person, just saying.
> 
> I'm not saying she is right because it is flat out lousy for a partner to do that much less reciprocating. It is a recipe for disaster. But silent acceptance while building resentment about things is too.


I've told her, and her excuse always is that she is tired/busy. As if I am not tired/busy. 

I think many men here have this issue. LD wife who only thinks kids are her priority.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Sure said:


> Happy Anniversary!
> 
> You know the making a big deal out of a special day that should be special to both of you is great. But are you doing it for your wife or for yourself? If you are doing it for yourself keep on keeping on. But if you are doing it to get a response from your wife on how great you are for doing it, stop it. Apparently your wife is not a celebration type of person.
> 
> ...


Thanks!

I am not the celebratory type either. For me a nice anniversary would be spending time together, talking about our wedding, and the years that have gone by, go to dinner all that. I am not a card/chocolates/party type. 
She has some friends who will ask her what she got etc etc and she feels she looks bad if her husband did not do anything. 


And yes, if I bring it up that she didn't do anything for me for the anniversary, she will dump on me that she has been doing things for me 365 days a year (as if I haven't been). 


She can spend 20 mins tucking the kids in every night, and then comes to bed and grumbles about how tired she is (a sign to layoff so I don't get ideas) and rolls over. If I complain, she says I pick the wrong time. I should come spend time with her in the morning when she is making coffee. Sure, that is the same thing.

Anyway, maybe I am venting because I don't think anything will change so why bother. After kids, she has lost the interest in being a married woman and seems to want to be married only because of what people will say if she wasn't. Women are supposed to be touchy feely and want to hug/kiss etc, but it turns out that I want to do that and she doesn't.

I used to wonder about people having affairs, but now I no longer do. They have needs and if the spouse isn't meeting it, it is easy to look at another person. Not to say that I am looking for an affair because I am not.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

nirvana said:


> I should come spend time with her in the morning when she is making coffee. Sure, that is the same thing.


Let me say the morning time for me and my W are some of the best love making! Go enjoy a coffee with your W like she suggested. She is a morning person apparently. Perhaps your W likes sex in the morning.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Let me say the morning time for me and my W are some of the best love making! Go enjoy a coffee with your W like she suggested. She is a morning person apparently. Perhaps your W likes sex in the morning.


ha ha this is not for sex! This is just for talking. She is making coffee and I am having breakfast before I rush off for a shower and dash to work. What lovemaking?


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Thanks!
> 
> I am not the celebratory type either. For me a nice anniversary would be spending time together, talking about our wedding, and the years that have gone by, go to dinner all that. I am not a card/chocolates/party type.
> She has some friends who will ask her what she got etc etc and she feels she looks bad if her husband did not do anything.
> ...


ok you do the big deal because if you don't your wife will be mad because her friends won't think you are great if you don't? That is kind of strange, but if it works, fine. You know if someone said that to me about doing crap for me 365 days a year I would go a little outside the box. I would do an everyday thing for them and then tell them happy anniversary. After a couple weeks I would then announce that I guess I am off the hook for a card, chocolates, or dinner on the anniversary since I am fulfilling my husbandly duties 365 days during the year. Say it with a smile. Keep saying it. LOL see if she counters with anything decent. It doesn't really sound like you have much to loose.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, and I forgot to mention the Ladies watch that I am going to buy her. I am not expecting any material gifts as I am not into that. But she deprives me of what I want and it costs $0.

I wonder if this is her way of controlling me. I am told some women do this. She gets what she wants right now, so why change things? 

My bet is there will be no anniversary sex tonight on some lame pretense. Usually "ohhh I am so busy, I have been working from 6am to now... oh god, every bone in my body is hurting". Now that is a hint for me to give her a massage, but she's never given me one in 10 years on her own accord. Even when I ask her, she conveniently forgets if 15 mins pass. Then I have go ask her again. Who says all women are selfless. This sounds like selfish behavior to me.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

nirvana said:


> ha ha this is not for sex! This is just for talking. She is making coffee and I am having breakfast before I rush off for a shower and dash to work. What lovemaking?


Saturday and Sunday are work days? I think your W is simply asking to have a time to connect over coffee. Apparently your W has a need to talk and connect with you. Connection equals good time for you as you are filling one of her needs. Night time is not always the right time to connect physically and mentally with their spouse. Try it her way, slow down, talk and enjoy the morning together. This make a connection.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeswecan, ok I will try that.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Yeswecan, ok I will try that.


Your W said come have coffee in the morning with her. Looks like a invitation to me!


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what would happen if you invested nothing this anniversary celebration...seriously....i would think of putting in as much as she has and she what her response would be.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> *Let me say the morning time for me and my W are some of the best love making!* Go enjoy a coffee with your W like she suggested. She is a morning person apparently. Perhaps your W likes sex in the morning.


Love me some morning sex!!

Sexy Alpha lover rolls over in the wee hours of the morning and MAKES HIS WISHES KNOWN.

There's really no negotiation (no, I am NOT talking sex against my will)... he simply gets me aroused, he gets me aroused, and that's all she wrote.

I love it, he loves it, everyone's happy.

OP... stop cow-towing to HER demands. MAKE your own demands.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I hate morning sex. Now back to the topic. 
Have you read "no more mr nice guy"? it is good book. You might find it useful. I also agree with Yeswecan, give it a try conversation might be a good start, but keep your hopes low for action, at least for now, start with talking first.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Oh, and I forgot to mention the Ladies watch that I am going to buy her. I am not expecting any material gifts as I am not into that. But she deprives me of what I want and it costs $0.
> 
> I wonder if this is her way of controlling me. I am told some women do this. She gets what she wants right now, so why change things?
> 
> My bet is there will be no anniversary sex tonight on some lame pretense. Usually "ohhh I am so busy, I have been working from 6am to now... oh god, every bone in my body is hurting". Now that is a hint for me to give her a massage, but she's never given me one in 10 years on her own accord. Even when I ask her, she conveniently forgets if 15 mins pass. Then I have go ask her again. Who says all women are selfless. This sounds like selfish behavior to me.


Yes, she is using (lack of) sex to control you. As you have noticed, she is getting what she wants, so why should she change?

The only way to deal with this is to stop giving her what she wants until she starts giving you what you want.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You need to get a don't give a crap attitude. I would not buy her a thing but a card....that's it! She would be lucky to get that the way she acts.

Start going to the gym and be aloof and uninterested. I lost oneitus with my wife, was disgusted with her behavior and lost the unquenchable desire that she show me attention. Lost 60 lbs in 75 days and she bout crapped a brick. 

She has not turned me down but maybe 3x in past 14 months. If I wait over 2 days she initiates. My love for her has matured, I used to feel angry at her I no longer have the "I can't live without you love" its just different now. 

Now I have the lead and she is submissive and she comes to me for guidance. Even about what to wear at times. We have a very strong biblical marriage and are both very happy now.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think many of you men here need to see Pedro Almodavar's movie "Talk To Her."

You expect your women to want you passionately all the time, be your willing recreational partner in all things, and give you constant admiration and respect. Meanwhile, you don't fvcking talk to us.

We don't use lack of sex to control you. Ever. We stop wanting to have sex with you when we realize you don't give a tinker's cuss about us as human beings and just seem to think of us as a means to an end.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And vice versa.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Why do you reward her bad behavior? As long as you do, she will always respond the same.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Nirvana,

My 27th and 28th anniversaries were nothing short of humiliating. I made little effort for the 29th and it was fine. She started in on me about our 30th telling me how I needed to go all out on this one. I reminded her she was 50% of the equation and she should feel free to plan it this year. 

I love my wife but anniversaries, Valentines Day and Mother's Day mean squat to me. The day she asks for forgiveness for what she did to me on those two anniversaries is when I will change my tune. She has no recollection of anything negative.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> You need to get a don't give a crap attitude. I would not buy her a thing but a card....that's it! She would be lucky to get that the way she acts.
> 
> Start going to the gym and be aloof and uninterested. I lost oneitus with my wife, was disgusted with her behavior and lost the unquenchable desire that she show me attention. Lost 60 lbs in 75 days and she bout crapped a brick.
> 
> ...


The above - and this link - https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/20...u-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

OK, so for our anniversary, I got her a card and wrote some words in it, I got her chocolates, and got her a bouquet of roses. Then I took the family to dinner at a place she likes. Her reaction was so-so. The trend I see is that if I don't do something, there is a lot of complaining, but if I do it, the reaction is neutral. There are hardly any positive reactions to anything. I did not get her the watch gift I was planning on. 

We did have sex at night, but that was on my initiation. She did go along willingly with it and then told me she enjoyed it. She almost never initiates herself though.

Like some posters here said, I do have some "Nice Guy" tendencies and want to be appreciated/validated. This is being used against me as a manipulation device. It was my anniversary too and she didn't do anything special for me. Many women today expect that V Day, Anniversary, Birthdays, Mothers Day etc are days where the husband makes them feel special but they don't feel the need to do anything themselves. 

Here's how she does it.
If I am sad/depressed about anything and I feel low and don't talk much, she gets angry because I am silent and begins to complain and nag. Not once will she come and ask me what's wrong and if there is anything bothering me. 
But if she is sad/depress/having her period and is in a lousy mood and won't talk much, I am expected to understand how she is feeling. She might even give me a terse reply.

Her period is coming up and she was getting hysterical this morning over something inane, and began to dish on me about how life has been hell for all these years (with me), but I just let her rant and did not reply. She was obviously looking to escalate things and then blame me for everything. For the next 3-4 days, I will just stay out of her way.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Her period is coming up and she was getting hysterical this morning over something inane, and began to dish on me about how life has been hell for all these years (with me), but I just let her rant and did not reply. She was obviously looking to escalate things and then blame me for everything. For the next 3-4 days, I will just stay out of her way.


Why allow this, isn't just staying out of her way encouraging her behavior? I mean, saying that her life has been hell with you, that sounds like something that should be taken a little more seriously.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Why allow this, isn't just staying out of her way encouraging her behavior? I mean, saying that her life has been hell with you, that sounds like something that should be taken a little more seriously.


So how do I deal with this? She is now in a highly excitable state because her period is coming up. I know because I have an app that keeps track so I know when crazy-time approaches. 

When she is in this state, she tries to bait me to a fight and if I bite (and I have several times), she uses it as a reason to dump all her frustrations in life on me. I don't have to put up with that crap. If she wants to leave, she can. But she has a good thing going here, so that's why she's still around. She isn't stupid.

When she calms down and after the monthly madness is over, I might sit her down and tell her never to say that again. If she doesn't like it with me, she can leave. Threats don't work.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

nirvana said:


> So how do I deal with this? She is now in a highly excitable state because her period is coming up. I know because I have an app that keeps track so I know when crazy-time approaches.
> 
> When she is in this state, she tries to bait me to a fight and if I bite (and I have several times), she uses it as a reason to dump all her frustrations in life on me. I don't have to put up with that crap. If she wants to leave, she can. But she has a good thing going here, so that's why she's still around. She isn't stupid.
> 
> When she calms down and after the monthly madness is over, I might sit her down and tell her never to say that again. If she doesn't like it with me, she can leave. Threats don't work.


As you said, it may not make sense to be confrontational at that point. I would still sit her down, just as you mentioned, at some point after and bring up all the issues. Saying her life is hell with you, either way that needs to be addressed.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> The above - and this link - https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/20...u-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/


Thanks for the link. I see myself in it.
My problem is I crave for validation. The cycle started with my mother who would play up the mistakes/goofs I made but never give me a "good job" or anything, even when I did well in school or something. The trend is repeating with my wife. My mother was not trying to manipulate me, but my wife is. In fact she never has a good word for me for anything. I don't even expect it anymore.

My wife has narcissistic qualities. Her father and sister are the same way and actually even worse. She always keep talking about how some friend praised her, or how she works from 6am to 10pm (job + house) and how her boss praised her at work. Thankfully she does not post on Facebook to gloat about herself like her sister. I suspect it comes from a deep sense of low self esteem. She wants to be praised, but she does it by praising herself, and by putting me down so she can feel good about herself in return. She's created this picture in her mind that she is a very good, selfless, giving person who doesn't care about herself. I see it as selfishness but with the veneer on it. That's how I read the situation.

Anyway, thanks for the link. Emotional detachment is the key as the article says. Wow, it was written by a woman???? Most women band together regardless of who is right and beat up on men, from my experience.




Dr Tara said:


> Don’t let her solicited and unsolicited opinions get to you anymore. Recognize them for what they are: Abusive control tactics. Your overall goal is emotional detachment, which means you’re not invested in the outcome of this relationship. Once you’re no longer afraid of “losing” or care about receiving her approval, you’ll see the balance of power in the relationship shift.
> 
> She will be less able to “get to you,” which is a good thing. You’ll begin to care less, which is psychologically freeing. You’ll become more immune to the traps she sets and she won’t be able to figure out what the hell is happening. As you step out of this dysfunctional emotional dynamic, she’ll escalate her nasty behaviors as she frantically tries to maintain control and bully you back into place. She’ll be uncharacteristically speechless when her tried and true control devices no longer work.
> 
> ...


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

nirvana said:


> Wow, it was written by a woman???? Most women band together regardless of who is right and beat up on men, from my experience.


Maybe you should re-examine your perceptions. There are quite a few fair-minded women in the world.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

nirvana said:


> OK, so for our anniversary, I got her a card and wrote some words in it, I got her chocolates, and got her a bouquet of roses. Then I took the family to dinner at a place she likes. Her reaction was so-so. The trend I see is that if I don't do something, there is a lot of complaining, but if I do it, the reaction is neutral. There are hardly any positive reactions to anything. I did not get her the watch gift I was planning on.
> 
> We did have sex at night, but that was on my initiation. She did go along willingly with it and then told me she enjoyed it. She almost never initiates herself though.
> 
> Like some posters here said, I do have some "Nice Guy" tendencies and want to be appreciated/validated. This is being used against me as a manipulation device. It was my anniversary too and she didn't do anything special for me.* Many women today *expect that V Day, Anniversary, Birthdays, Mothers Day etc are days where the husband makes them feel special but they don't feel the need to do anything themselves.


You know, Nirvana, you are not a bad guy. You are out here trying to get help for your marriage, and that is a good thing. But you waste a ton of good will when you say stuff like this. This is not about WOMEN. This is about YOUR WIFE who is a raging entitled princess. If you recognize it as a problem IN YOUR MARRIAGE then you will be able to focus on that rather than fixing what you perceive as a problem with women in general.

I can tell you that if I acted the way your wife does, my husband would have kicked me to the curb years ago.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks, NobodySpecial. Point noted.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

nirvana said:


> OK, so for our anniversary, I got her a card and wrote some words in it, I got her chocolates, and got her a bouquet of roses. Then I took the family to dinner at a place she likes. Her reaction was so-so. The trend I see is that if I don't do something, there is a lot of complaining, but if I do it, the reaction is neutral. There are hardly any positive reactions to anything. I did not get her the watch gift I was planning on.
> 
> We did have sex at night, but that was on my initiation. She did go along willingly with it and then told me she enjoyed it. She almost never initiates herself though.
> 
> ...


Between you, me and the lap post every thirty days is shark week at my house. However, I'm understanding and know somethings will just not sit well with my W during that time. I take it all with a grain of salt.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I was right. The shark struck this morning. Thank app!
I just stay away from controversial issues for the next few weeks because she is even less logical during these days. We have a party for 30 neighbors on the weekend and she has to cook quite a bit, and tidy up (me too) so she will be stressed about it.

Overall, I love my wife and she is a beauty, but life would be heavenly if some things could be improved. Oh well. That is life.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Her period is coming up and she was getting hysterical this morning over something inane, and began to dish on me about how life has been hell for all these years (with me), but I just let her rant and did not reply. She was obviously looking to escalate things and then blame me for everything. For the next 3-4 days, I will just stay out of her way.


I just dealt with situation like any other $hit test she tries to give me. Period time is the worst. She was complaining that I don't do anything. When I had heard enough I told her, calmly and politely she was full of crap and I won't take the disrespect.

Apology flowed 15 minutes later.


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

From what I'm reading here, 5 Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs would be good reading for the OP. It sounds like you two are pushing the wrong love buttons for each other. I see a list of things you do so she can appease her friends, but is that what she REALLY needs to feel loved? It doesn't sound like she understands your needs to feel loved either. Discover these and learn to communicate openly.


----------

