# Unemployed, lazy, alcoholic husband seeks advice



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Married 5 years. I'm 31, she's 28.

We've never really had $.

2 years ago I decided to launch an online consulting business. It was a dream of mine and I hoped it would lead to financial freedom. It was long hours, took up all my time and focus, and wasn't profitable enough. My wife felt neglected and began to resent me, and I began drinking too much, largely as a result of my failure in this area. My dignity is zapped. I have failed as a provider, and as a husband.

This summer I finally decided to give up on the business and look for a regular job. I have been avidly job hunting for the past 2 months, but haven't gotten hired anywhere. My wife's anxiety grows, my self-esteem as a man continues to diminish.

We fight a lot. I spend $ on alcohol and restaurant food because I feel terrible about myself. My wife hates this. She is right. We have very little in the way of savings, a pigmy income, and I don't have a job.

She consistently uses the failed business against me in arguments now. She feels I've ruined our lives, put her second, and basically that I am at fault for every bad thing about our lives.

I am now under a microscope. If I leave my socks on the floor, or forget to turn off a light, she explodes on me. The other day I got a traffic ticket and after I told her about it she collapsed onto the livingroom floor as though a family member had died.

She has so much anger toward me. 

It doesn't help that I'm thoroughly romantically challenged, and selfish. I try to think up fun things for us to do, but everything I come up with costs $ that we don't have. I have no problem helping out with housework or errands, but my wife often has to ask me to do so, and it angers her that I don't do these things without being told.

Good things about me:
I'm faithful. I'm honest with my wife. I actually listen to her when she speaks. I'm emotionally supportive. I'm the better communicator in the relationship. Oh, and I decided to start going to AA this week (for the first time in my life). I respect, love, and value her.

I just suck at being a husband.

Love really isn't the problem with us. We both love eachother. But things just look very bleak. We rarely go out. Our sex life has suffered a lot. And we have grown increasingly angry toward one another. 

Amazingly we have been able to survive for quite a while through very dire circumstance. And believe it or not, 75% of the time we get along fine. But that 25% is pure hell. All these problems are always right below the surface, and when they explode, they really explode.

So, yeah, I know that's a lot to process, but any constructive feedback would be appreciated here. And please don't just say "Go to therapy". We been there done that. Thanks...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

One thing you could do that will earn you back some respect from her, and even make you feel better about yourself is to take control of your money. Make a budget and stick to it. No more money on alcohol or eating out. Buy more groceries, eat at home. 

This is something you have control over. It takes self discipline, and this is an awesome thing to have. Do whatever you have to to start working on this.

Set goals for yourself: daily goals, weekly goals, long term goals. A weekly goal might be that with the little bit of money you save in not indulging yourself, you can use to take your wife to a movie or dinner. Daily goals could be to look for a certain number of jobs, to revise your budget etc. Long term goals should of course include your wife.

The power of positive thinking shouldn't be underestimated. If you can't get your head into it, try meditating or going for a jog. Your wife will respond much better to a man who is looking to the future, rather than a man stuck in a rut.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You don't mind helping out around the house but it aggravates her that she has to ask. Easy fix. Have her write out a weekly chore list of things that she'd like done every day, every week, every month, etc. Follow the list and she can quit nagging. As far as your job situation goes, I notice you're 31. The Army might have something for you. Even as a Reservist (one weekend a month, two weeks in the Summer), I average a little over $10K a year, not including another $4,500 every year for college. You'd get out of the house, learn a new trade, get some bread, and anytime you need more money, just volunteer for an assignment. You get cheap health and dental insurance for the whole family, pension, and you occasionally get to visit interesting places and kill people who desperately need killing. How fun is that?


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

breeze said:


> One thing you could do that will earn you back some respect from her, and even make you feel better about yourself is to take control of your money. Make a budget and stick to it. No more money on alcohol or eating out. Buy more groceries, eat at home.
> 
> This is something you have control over. It takes self discipline, and this is an awesome thing to have. Do whatever you have to to start working on this.
> 
> ...


Awesome practical advise breeze. Thank you so much. I think I will try some of the things you suggested (if not all). I really think they would make a difference.



unbelievable said:


> You don't mind helping out around the house but it aggravates her that she has to ask. Easy fix. Have her write out a weekly chore list of things that she'd like done every day, every week, every month, etc. Follow the list and she can quit nagging. As far as your job situation goes, I notice you're 31. The Army might have something for you. Even as a Reservist (one weekend a month, two weeks in the Summer), I average a little over $10K a year, not including another $4,500 every year for college. You'd get out of the house, learn a new trade, get some bread, and anytime you need more money, just volunteer for an assignment. You get cheap health and dental insurance for the whole family, pension, and you occasionally get to visit interesting places and kill people who desperately need killing. How fun is that?


Yeah, I'm not really into getting deployed overseas and/or killing people. But thanks for the suggestion.


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## TexasJD (Sep 11, 2010)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> Married 5 years. I'm 31, she's 28.
> 
> We've never really had $.
> 
> ...


I hope to God this won't be my situation in 8 years time. I'm 23 and I'm already an abusive alcoholic. Trying my best to change and get help, but I know things can go from negative to positive to negative again in an instant


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

TexasJD said:


> I hope to God this won't be my situation in 8 years time. I'm 23 and I'm already an abusive alcoholic. Trying my best to change and get help, but I know things can go from negative to positive to negative again in an instant


Please use your will power. It is important. You just have to know that being like this is not good for you. Practice practice practice
after you are used to the good habits, everything will be easy. Once I tried to lose weight. I was hungry, I wanted to eat. So I ate fruit to satisfy my hunger. Now whenever I get hungry, I eat fruit. Fruit is much better than meat. Now I stay slim and sexy. So when you want to drink, please drink juice, juice is much better than alcohol.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Sounds like to me you know what you have to start doing and what you have to stop doing. So step up and just do it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Texas, 
That's not who you are, only examples of what you are capable of. You determine who you are going to be each day. We all have the potential for good and evil within us and we get to decide which we will be.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

Hi Tom, good for you for posting and admitting you have problems.

My dh and I are going on 10 years next month and have been EXACTLY where you and your wife are now! He was the spender, laid off numerous times, etc; I was the nit-picker, always riding him; I dealt with defeat by drinking. We didn't like eachother very much, but deep down still loved eachother and the big D word was never an option.

We did couples therapy, too. Not much outcome. I did walk away from it believing one thing: "where there is conflict, growth is trying to happen!!!" (thanks, Pam Monday)

What DID work for us and what I recommend is

take a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course with your wife. Look it up. It's a 13-week class and worth every penny! We did ours through our church. We have grown up in this area and doing much better 

Stick with AA!!! It has changed my whole outlook on life! As long as alcohol is a part of your life, you will always have that cloud over you. You MUST learn to live without it. At first I thought it was corny, but you MUST have that "spritual awakening!" I'm in AA now and will not look back. Life is MUCH better without "having to have" the alcohol!!! My husband is so happy to have the "old me" back. And I'm glad to be back. 



Hope you find your way, Tom. Keep us posted and good luck to you.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Damselfish said:


> Hi Tom, good for you for posting and admitting you have problems.
> 
> My dh and I are going on 10 years next month and have been EXACTLY where you and your wife are now! He was the spender, laid off numerous times, etc; I was the nit-picker, always riding him; I dealt with defeat by drinking. We didn't like eachother very much, but deep down still loved eachother and the big D word was never an option.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for posting. This gives me hope, truly. I will google the course you suggested (though I would welcome you expanding on some of the particulars of it and the ways it has helped you marriage). And I will try to work AA wholeheartedly. Our marriage / our lives can be so much more. I really want to get there!!!!


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

Here is a lesson preview on FPU

Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan - daveramsey.com

We also read his books :

Amazon.com: The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness (9781595550781): Dave Ramsey: Books

and

Amazon.com: More than Enough: The Ten Keys to Changing Your Financial Destiny (9780142000472): Dave Ramsey: Books

hope the links work...


For us, it was a matter of "being on the same page" with the financial life; we have cut spending tremendously. I don't worry about "stuff" any longer (i.e. keeping up with the Jones', which is a feat where I live LOL). Not drinking has also saved us huge $$$. We now have a significant savings for vacations AND emergencies...CASH money. No more credit cards. The financial security this has brought us (and my admitting my alcohol problem and DOING something about it) has lifted our marriage up and past the old insecurities. We're not big on the "envelope system" anymore; do it long enough and you automatically "know." 

Hope it helps.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

p.s. you don't suck as a husband! The fact that you are here shows courage and someone who truely cares for their spouse and WANTS to change for the better.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Bad signs especially when sex also became a problem.

She's probably planning to leave you.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

^ thanks


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Thomas, good for you for taking the first step by admitting issues. I want to second the advice to get down with Total Money Makeover. I have just started it. The pull to spend money is a LOT less when you see the cash in your envelope get less and less!

With regard to household chores, it is simply a matter of making new habits. Get over the flylady.net. Sure it is barfily geared toward women. (I am sorry but does anyone else think purple puddles is the stupidest thing you have ever heard?!?) Baby step your way to habits and routines that will keep your house clean and tidy. In my opinion, that will do more for you than having your wife make up lists. It will show her that you are taking CHARGE of the issue. And it will forestall the risk of your feeling like her lackey.

On the job front, I am not sure what you do. But whatever you do, get work asap. ANY work. McDonalds. The gas station. Delivering pizza. It is easier to find a job when you have a job. As you look for a junk job and once you have something, keep looking in your chosen field. i think this would also help you feel better about yourself.

Good luck!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

The best gift might be changing

from lazy to hard working, 

from alcoholic to non alcoholic

Sorry, I am being blunt.

I do think this is the best gift if your wife thinks like me.


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## BUSYBEES (Oct 15, 2010)

I just joined. You are a funny guy I see how you could have made it in the online consulting business. Plus it's better to try then not to try at all. You are still young. Quit beating yourself up, dust yourself off and move on to your next stage in life.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> Married 5 years. I'm 31, she's 28.
> 
> 2 years ago I decided to launch an online consulting business. It was a dream of mine and I hoped it would lead to financial freedom. It was long hours, took up all my time and focus, and wasn't profitable enough. My wife felt neglected and began to resent me, and I began drinking too much, largely as a result of my failure in this area. My dignity is zapped. I have failed as a provider, and as a husband.
> 
> ...


man you sound a lot like me, except my business was 4 yrs ago and the last 2 am watching it suffer a slow death, though it is barely keeping us above water. I also drink too much in my opinion, my doesnt think so, and my dignity, self respect and and good feelings I have had about myself were bout gone.

But my wife supports me still. 

*MY suggestion *and it is working well for my wife and I, though it can get a bit testy as well: Find a nice park, preserve ,somewhere quiet that you and your wife and go to and exercise (walking is free) and talk about anything and everything. 

Me, I've been talking to her about my insecurities, why she married me, and just good times we have had, and its actually working well and making me feel better as I have at least accomplished something that one day. Some days, I'll head out alone early mornings, just so one thing I succeeded at that day.

Good luck


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