# She has sent another invite to connect for the second time in 6 months



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What would you guys do? 

my fiance very nicely forwarded the e-mail to me. I know her e-mail address. I'm thinking about responding to her directly and rehashing some (of the greatest hits) of her text and e-mail messages with him. 

(I like the thought of her professed indignation that these types will muster up in the face of such indiscretions........ similar to the types of indsicretion that they visit upon people)

What would you guys do?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Is blocking the email address out of the question?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was hoping to appeal to people's revenge fantasies ( of the legal kind).

Is there really nothing that you want to get off your chest with the interloper to your important relationship?

Also, maybe the techies can tell us to how to block someone on LinkedIn.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I was hoping to appeal to people's revenge fantasies ( of the legal kind).
> 
> Is there really nothing that you want to get off your chest with the interloper to your important relationship?
> 
> Also, maybe the techies can tell us to how to block someone on LinkedIn.


Revenge is useless. A waste of energy and only promotes negativity. If it's not this person, there will be someone else and it goes on and on and on. You have to get to a point where it's all just a waste of your time. This person isn't worth any of that.

Interlopers are pests, yes. But I don't give them any more power than they deserve. Ignoring people like this is the most effective way to deal with them because as SOON as you feed into their attention seeking, they turn it up. It's textbook.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What would you guys do?


For those of us not familiar with your situation, it would certainly help if we knew some of the background here. I looked through your profile and I don't even know if you are male or female.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Revenge is useless. A waste of energy and only promotes negativity. If it's not this person, there will be someone else and it goes on and on and on. You have to get to a point where it's all just a waste of your time. This person isn't worth any of that.
> 
> Interlopers are pests, yes. *But I don't give them any more power than they deserve. * Ignoring people like this is the most effective way to deal with them because as SOON as you feed into their attention seeking, they turn it up. It's textbook.


so you would do nothing if the ex Ea /PA of your partner was regularly contacting him or her?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Theseus said:


> For those of us not familiar with your situation, it would certainly help if we knew some of the background here. I looked through your profile and I don't even know if you are male or female.


I am female. My fiance has an inappropriate relationship / EA with another woman. He labeled it as "just friends." Outside of this message board, everyone will tell you to put up and shut up. That to ask for what you want is sign of jealousy and insecurity.

My fiance closed down most channels of communication with her. But, I have not asked him to change everything. But come to think of it, since most people agree that LinkedIn is a useful tool for professional networking where you need to be yourself and not some avatar, I would not want to ask him to take down that profile.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> so you would do nothing if the ex Ea /PA of your partner was regularly contacting him or her?


NOPE.

Hard to imagine? I'm more focused on my primary relationship than I am on people trying to get into it. My husband and I are the gatekeepers. If HE let her in then HE is the issue. Same goes for me. I'm not interested in controlling other peoples actions. It's an exercise in futility.

And I'm not sure if my husband had an affair we would be together as a couple. I'm one of those people who feels that a violation of trust like that is reason enough to not give it again. We could part as friends, but he would never be able to hurt me like that again. I've a long history of having my trust violated and being hurt, so this is why I think this way. 

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME is what I believe.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have a question.

Have you asked your husband to forward any correspondence from this woman? If so, why?

If not, why can't he delete and move on without forwarding her inquiry to you? 

I'm asking because considering how you respond to this intrusion in your relationship (what he's seen and heard) do you find it helpful for him to forward a request from her to you to see? How productive is it (big picture here) to see she's still trying? What can you honestly do about it? Did it occur to you that maybe he likes to see you bouncing off the wall over this? 

I ask all this because sending you something like this is like kicking a hornets nest. What is the point. Why not just delete and move on?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> NOPE.
> 
> Hard to imagine? I'm more focused on my primary relationship than I am on people trying to get into it. My husband and I are the gatekeepers. If HE let her in then HE is the issue. Same goes for me. I'm not interested in controlling other peoples actions. It's an exercise in futility.
> 
> ...



then what need do you have for this message board? Most other relationship message boards would simply advise someone to drop the partner........ exactly what you would do _*under any circumstances.*_....I suppose


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> then what need do you have for this message board? Most other relationship message boards would simply advise someone to drop the partner........ exactly what you would do _*under any circumstances.*_....I suppose


Look you asked me, and I gave you an honest answer. You don't have to agree and that's okay. Not everyone has the same deal breakers, and I didn't say drop your partner under *any *circumstances. Where do you get that?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> *Look you asked me*, and I gave you an honest answer. You don't have to agree and that's okay. Not everyone has the same deal breakers, and I didn't say drop your partner under *any *circumstances. Where do you get that?


Look, you didn't have to respond to this thread. I am sure that you are under NO contract to respond to every thread on this site.

As for your second question, this is what you wrote:



> I'm one of those people who feels that a violation of trust like that is reason enough to not give it again. We could part as friends, but he would never be able to hurt me like that again. I've a long history of having my trust violated and being hurt, so this is why I think this way.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Why are you still with him? You're going to marry someone that already cheated on you? You not vested in this relationship and you're considering fighting off other women? What do you think will happen when you're married to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cheating of any kind is not something I can easily get over. That's just me.

And I'm going to respectfully back out of your thread. You asked a question, I thought it was up for discussion for everyone here, but I guess not. My intention was not to create hostility, so I apologize.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Cheating of any kind is not something I can easily get over. That's just me.
> 
> And I'm going to respectfully back out of your thread. You asked a question, I thought it was up for discussion for everyone here, but I guess not. My intention was not to create hostility, so I apologize.


Things are up for discussion. I merely posed to you follow up questions. You're the one who started your response with "Look...." so I thought that that was how you liked to be addressed.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Has he told her to stop contacting him, clearly and explicitly in writing via registered mail?

If he has, I would follow it up with a notice that further contact will result in restraining order containing a copy of her most recent email/contact via registered mail. 

Then follow through. 

The end.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What would you guys do?
> 
> my fiance very nicely forwarded the e-mail to me. I know her e-mail address. I'm thinking about responding to her directly and rehashing some (of the greatest hits) of her text and e-mail messages with him.
> 
> ...


i think that contacting her would actually be more satisfying to her than ignoring her. If you and your fiance just ignore her, she'll feel less important. As if she's not even worth the hassle.


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

How long did his EA/PA last? How did you find out? 

Personally, I would leave him. You're not married and he's cheated on you already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> What would you guys do?
> 
> my fiance very nicely forwarded the e-mail to me. I know her e-mail address. I'm thinking about responding to her directly and rehashing some (of the greatest hits) of her text and e-mail messages with him.
> 
> ...


Maybe just forward his forward and say my fiance very nicely forwarded your e-mail to me and leave my ******ing fiance alone or I will scratch your ****ing eyes out?


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Has he told her to stop contacting him, clearly and explicitly in writing via registered mail?
> 
> If he has, I would follow it up with a notice that further contact will result in restraining order containing a copy of her most recent email/contact via registered mail.
> 
> ...


Yeah, just this. Contacting her yourself is playing stupid pointless games.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Maybe just forward his forward and say my fiance very nicely forwarded your e-mail to me and leave my ******ing fiance alone or I will scratch your ****ing eyes out?


A response with profanity and threats to do physical harm, you are kidding me I am sure because THAT would be considered psycho.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would consider all the possibilities...including that my partner forwarded the email to me because he enjoyed having a b*tch fight over him, and creating drama, and really wasn't doing everything he could to stop the emails. 

Just another perspective. btdt. In hindsight, the way to stop all of that was a divorce. But since you're not married yet, you have a choice to avoid that consequence.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I would consider all the possibilities...*including that my partner forwarded the email to me because he enjoyed having a b*tch fight over him*, and creating drama, and really wasn't doing everything he could to stop the emails.
> 
> Just another perspective. btdt. In hindsight, the way to stop all of that was a divorce. But since you're not married yet, you have a choice to avoid that consequence.


I have learned here that a demonstration of transparency in a relationship is to leave access to your accounts --including e-mail- available to your partner and to laert the partner to each time that AP attempts to contact you.

Homemaker, what do you and your (current) partner do at the moment to achieve transparency in your relationship?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I have learned here that a demonstration of transparency in a relationship is to leave access to your accounts --including e-mail- available to your partner and to laert the partner to each time that AP attempts to contact you.
> 
> Homemaker, what do you and your (current) partner do at the moment to achieve transparency in your relationship?


Even if someone who has betrayed you, gives you access to his/her accounts, he/she can create another account. A demonstration of transparency is just that, a demonstration. Whether it is the real thing is as subjective as the rest of the relationship. Drama is drama. If someone brings or allows outside drama into the relationship, they need to do the work to abate that. How that happens is as particular as the relationship. 

I don't use any particular technique for transparency, other than trust and communication, and how I feel and how I feel about partner's feelings. It's called empathy. If empathy exists as a 2-way street, you don't need all these other rules and guidelines. 

Conflict resolution style is something people should get a handle on before committing to a relationship.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The OW is not your problem. Your boyfriend is your problem. If you are ok with him, and ya'll are moving forward, there is no sense in contacting the ex-OW. Especially if you are not going to cuss her out or threaten her. 

Put this back on the boyfriend. Also, Linkden isn't that big of a deal. Find out if he REALLY is getting any networking value out of it. If not...let him cancel it. And I bet you can block or report someone on there...look into that.

Your fight is still with him if you have an issue with her attempts to contact. It's his problem.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Marriage can be such a crap shoot but it is hard to telll someone that before they marry. I know that first hand from my own experience. Looks like I got 7's but given my H's history how did I really know he was truly a reform playa? I could have been in hearbreak city myself. 

Too bad that thought can't get across to people when they really want to marry somebody. Then this OP has the whammy of him ALREADY cheating. I mean, one thing to be skeptical of past history, but when you got cheating in your OWN relationship how can you get past that? Why, when you don't have to? Then you end up on TAM saying, "my H has cheated! He cheated before we got married but I thought we had move past that." 

It's just a shame but I do understand. OP I hope this turns out well for you I really do. But you don't seem secure in your relationship at all.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Marriage can be such a crap shoot but it is hard to telll someone that before they marry. I know that first hand from my own experience. Looks like I got 7's but given my H's history how did I really know he was truly a reform playa? I could have been in hearbreak city myself.
> 
> Too bad that thought can't get across to people when they really want to marry somebody. Then this OP has the whammy of him ALREADY cheating. I mean, one thing to be skeptical of past history, but when you got cheating in your OWN relationship how can you get past that? Why, when you don't have to? Then you end up on TAM saying, "my H has cheated! He cheated before we got married but I thought we had move past that."
> 
> It's just a shame but I do understand. OP I hope this turns out well for you I really do. But you don't seem secure in your relationship at all.


True, you can follow all the rules and guidance you want and get token compliance from your partner, but if they're not the real thing, "following" rules isn't going to transform them. They'll just frame it that you're a control freak and your constant vigilance and distrust led them to seek someone who was less "twisted." Not saying that the OP is twisted, just from the perspective of someone who's going to give token compliance and transparency, things can look very different. A cheater can also be a fairly good manipulator, thus back to my earlier post about creating drama, etc.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd suggest you ignore her AND see if linked in does have a way to block people and use it on her.

Does you fiancé admit the relationship is in appropriate and is he ending it?


----------

