# need advice from those whom come close to divorce



## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

Hubby and I got into my fight. fight could of been nothing except for the fact i said some nasty stuff. needless to say he said he was done and had no feelings for me anymore and he gave me silent treatment and a few days ago he said we needed to get our money in check and maybe debt consol. so we could afford to live apart and start divorce. heart breaking ofcourse! Well, he wasnt even speaking to me cause he said he didnt have anything to say the last two days hes been talking just like before without the hugs and kisses and affection ofcourse and hes still sleeping in another room, hes even helped me go do some errands i had. except we havent spoken anymore about the D. its only been a little over a week since this big fight is it possible maybe hes not still thinking that? i dont want to ask cause im just glad we are talking and i want to fix things if we can but i want to take baby steps so not to push him away more. weve been married 7 years and together for 10. 

my only downside is he deletes the history of the computer and has changed his passwords last week after our fight, im 100% sure hes not cheating. when we have fought he did that before and he told me when we made up he did it to upset me, so I can only assume thats what is going on now.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

KatieKat said:


> he deletes the history of the computer and has changed his passwords last week after our fight, im 100% sure hes not cheating. when we have fought he did that before and he told me when we made up he did it to upset me, so I can only assume thats what is going on now.


He threatens divorce, he gives you the silent treatment for days, you're "so glad he's talking to you now that you don't want to upset him by complaining about the lack of affection", and now he says he locked you out of his computer and deleted his history "just to upset you".

You are married to a boy not a man. One who plays petulant childish, manipulative games and you play right into it. 

Or, he's cheating on you.

Or, both.

Neither possibility is favorable in the long term.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's hard to tell from the little information you've posted, but you might be suffering from severe lack of self-confidence and being manipulated into feeling guilty.

Tell me, when you and your husband fight, how often is he the one to apologize and make things okay without your initiation?


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

synthetic said:


> It's hard to tell from the little information you've posted, but you might be suffering from severe lack of self-confidence and being manipulated into feeling guilty.


Ya think?



synthetic said:


> Tell me, when you and your husband fight, how often is he the one to apologize and make things okay without your initiation?


I bet NEVER.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you apologized to him for what you said? It is crucial to a happy marriage to learn to fight fair. No name calling, no contempt, no bringing us past resentments.

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment between you two. You need to get everything out and discuss what is going on beneath the surface. You may need a counselor to help you do this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You married my exH. He did all the things you mentioned constantly. 

Talk to him and ask him where his mind is at. Either he works with you on the marriage or he doesn't. If he isn't game and doesn't want to be married, let him go. 

Marriage is a partnership. It takes two.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

After one particularly nasty fight where my DH disconnected the internet at home without telling me (to punish me), I was done. We had always had a transparency agreement regarding passwords etc. After the internet disconnect (he is a network engineer and can do this in a variety of ways that would take me a long time to figure out) I had enough. I changed every single password on my online accounts. Why? Because I no longer felt safe. Had nothing to do with being manipulative. Perhaps a lot of nasty stuff is said to him during fights? Perhaps he is going into "protect himself mode" before he files for divorce?


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## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

to elaborate the fight was my fault I basically made a nasty comment about being married and that i was sick of it. that turned into days and days of him not talking to me. finally when he did talk it was not nice. he then changed his passwords and started deleted internet history. i did apologize and let him know i want to save the marriage but he didnt seem for it. 

we have only had one other fight were it was like this in the last 10 years of being together and he did the password change thing and history delete thing too. he basically shut me out. normally when we fight he apologizes and its normally over stupid stuff but it always gets talked out. except this time. 

now hes been talking to me for a couple days nicely and helping me with stuff like he always did but i dont want to get my hopes up and think just cause hes being talkative and kind that hes not still wanting a Divorce. he is still sleeping in other room though


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It depends on what nasty things you said to him. If you were cruel and emasculated him in some way he may never forgive you. You simply can't take some things back. The steps he has taken suggest he is ready to leave and has begun protecting himself. I would not jump to the conclusion that he's cheating like some others have said and don't think what he's doing is passive aggressive. Passive/aggressive is about sending mixed signals. He clearly doesn't want anything to do with you right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OK, well here is your original post on another thread:

_4 days ago hubby and I got in fight over phone. I was was annoyed he was being short with me. he was annoyed I was calling him when he felt like I knew he was in the middle of a huge job on our car. *needless to say I ended up saying I was sick of our marriage and hung up on him*. truth is i was angry and in a *itchy mood. so he wont talk to me now. i did give him 2 days to cool off till i tried to apologize but he claims he has nothing to say to me and is sleeping on couch. i told him i would like to resolve this by easter in a civil way and make up if thats what he wants or if he wants to split we can do that civiliy too i just want to resolve it. he said he thinks im playing head games and he just wants left alone.

very frustrating because knowing him the way i do i know he needs to be left alone when hes that mad. *we had this problem a year ago because i got pissed and threatened divorce over a small fight*. it took 5 days till we made up but this time he is much more angry. he still is wearing his wedding ring and such but i feel like a sitting duck. i dont want to nag him but i do think he is just doing this to punish me for my nasty words. he's ex military so he can probably go on this way for weeks but i know i cant handle that.

i love him to death but i think hes being crazy. he recently changed all his passwords too. i only know this because when he wouldnt talk to me i checked his FB and email to see if he was talking about it to his friends. we both have always had each other passwords to everything and have always been super close and other then a few bumps like last year and this fight the last seven years have been great. We have been best friends for the last 10 years! _

If you constantly throw divorce in his face when you have disagreements, it WILL upset your partner. Nobody wants to deal with that all the time.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

I may be confused but haven't you brought up the not being married bit to him in other fights before this one?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jelly,

Thanks for the post. Guess I was right and I agree.

You can't keep brining up a subject like divorce and not expect it to have some kind of huge impact like this

I don't see this as that big of an issue for your husband at this point. I think you need to apologize profusely and beg his forgiveness for these threats and tell him you'll do whatever it is he wants (counseling, etc) to try and find out why you feel the need to use this threat all the time


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

KatieKat said:


> I basically made a nasty comment about being married and that i was sick of it


When my wife says stuff like this it usually takes me around 72 hours to get completely over it. During that period sometimes I go out and look at apartments and daydream about moving away.


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## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

yes thats is right the only other fight we had i did throw divorce up in his face. i know how wrong that was/is and now I'm looking to try to see where to go next. i honestly dont think i fully realized that last time though because we made up with me in a few days and i never go to see how it hurt him and hear that. this time its been different because he looks bad hes losing weight barely eating and i see how much its affecting him. we loved each other so much its so hard to just let it go as im sure you all know whom have open your mouth and said something that hurtful to someone you love. im not perfect obviously just trying save a marriage


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Katie,

Take it from someone whose wife has thrown the divorce-threat and "being sick of our marriage" in his face:

Your husband is as hurt as he could possibly be. Men don't take these things as lightly as most woman can. Women are generally hurtful towards each other so they have a thicker skin when it comes to degrading comments. Men can stand up to anything and everything as long as the attacks are not coming from their spouse.

You attacked your husband's very core beliefs and confidence when you said that to him

Don't expect him to just forget it. He won't.

Give it time. He'll heal but if you bring this up again and again, he'll eventually start resenting you (I resent my wife very much for this)


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Learn to fight better. If you threaten to leave often enough, your partner will get sick of it and tell you to sh!t or get off the pot already.


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