# Needing encouragement



## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

So my husband and I have been married for about 3 years when this happened but it is still going on and I'm still here. We had one beautiful baby girl and I had just given birth to our second born child. About ten days after her being born my hubby told me he wanted a divorce and was no longer happy in our marriage. I spent months trying to convince him that we could work it out but let him tell it our marriage has run its course. My husband wanting a divorce I thought was the worst thing that could ever happen to me but I was wrong. Our youngest passed away at only a few months old and you would think that was hard but two days later I found out that he had stepped out of our marriage. Two of the hardest things they say a marriage could ever face, and I was dealing with both of them. Even with me knowing that I am willing to forgive and have our marriage to be restored. I was some what able to deal with the OW because she stayed states away from us, about a good 12 1/2 hour drive. It was a one night stand from someone he knew when he was younger and hadn't spoken to in 10-12 years but they just happened to reconnect. Before they got involved she knew he was married and has a family. But it is still hard to know that the man that I love, claims to love someone else. She flies up to see him but this wasn't often. 

The new year has begun and it brought along the mess from last year. This OW has picked up her life and moved to about 45 minutes away from us driving to be closer to my husband. She's a flight attendant and requested a new location with those intentions. Just this week alone my husband dropped the bomb on me that he is flying down to help this woman move the rest of her things here, seriously. It seems like my situation just went from hopeless to hopelessness.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am so sorry for the pain you have endured and still enduring. The man is not worthy of the love you and your child could give. You need to expose the PA / EA to your family and friends.

Tell him to get out and file for D right away. Who knows if you will go through with the D or not but he needs to know that he is not dealing with a doormat and you are not going to put up with his BS


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I am so sorry for the loss of your child.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Wow! I am so sorry, I can't imagine your pain! I think it is time to start healing and you are not going to do that as long as you are with him. If you do stay together, you will never be able to trust him. The fact that he is going to help her move shows he has feelings for her and has no respect for you. Move on with your life so you can begin to be happy. Trust me, I know that is easier said than done, but making that first move is the hardest, then you can begin to heal. Good Luck!!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> So my husband and I have been married for about 3 years when this happened but it is still going on and I'm still here. We had one beautiful baby girl and I had just given birth to our second born child. About ten days after her being born my hubby told me he wanted a divorce and was no longer happy in our marriage.* I spent months trying to convince him that we could work it out but let him tell it our marriage has run its course. *
> 
> My husband wanting a divorce I thought was the worst thing that could ever happen to me but I was wrong. Our youngest passed away at only a few months old and you would think that was hard but two days later I found out that he had stepped out of our marriage.
> *I am sorry about your daughter, *
> ...




Please read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Then find yourself a good attorney.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

I said encouragement not advice for me to leave my husband I still love him and if you haven't read my user name its standinginthegap. I believe in the power of God to restore marriages. I have learned to look at this for what it actually is a spiritual battle that is what all matters of infidelity and adultery are. Marriages are the number one things satan tries to destroy. I want to hear words of encouragement from people who have dealt with it and have made it threw it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

" This OW has picked up her life and moved to about 45 minutes away from us driving to be closer to my husband. She's a flight attendant and requested a new location with those intentions. Just this week alone my husband dropped the bomb on me that he is flying down to help this woman move the rest of her things here, seriously"

Your husband seems to be out the door, you can't force him to stay. At this point what can you do?

Watch out for yourself and your daughter, or continue to allow him to cheat.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> I said encouragement not advice for me to leave my husband I still love him and if you haven't read my user name its standinginthegap. I believe in the power of God to restore marriages. I have learned to look at this for what it actually is a spiritual battle that is what all matters of infidelity and adultery are. Marriages are the number one things satan tries to destroy. I want to hear words of encouragement from people who have dealt with it and have made it threw it.


Did you read the link I posted?

Your husband has to want to stop cheating and want to change.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

One tool for you to think about is the 180. Read about it here on TAM.

It is a help for you, to cope and to try to survive the betrayal. 
I know you want to work this out, but some things will help that I did not think would help.

Affairs like the dark. Shine the light on the affair. Expose it to his family, your family, and if the OW has a family, let them know. Does the OW have a husband or boyfriend? 

I would also encourage you to consult a divorce attorney. Divorce takes time. Sometimes it will wake up your H and get him out of the affair fog. 

Sometimes the nice way does not work, but your H needs to wake up. If the OW flies around, has your H considered that she may have other AP in other cities? If she will cheat with him, she may cheat on him.

Good luck getting him out of the fog, and to start the 180.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

First of all I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this on top of losing a child. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you...

Be true to yourself. Do everything you can to save your marriage, but know it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Show him that you want to save it and that you are willing to put in the work, but protect yourself and have a plan so you aren't broadsided in case he's not being honest with you.

I personally don't agree with exposing him to everyone. If you do find a way to truly reconcile, it may create bad blood between family and friends and him. That's how our family chose to deal with it.

However, I'll agree that I don't know that I believe that his A is done. If he wants to reconcile, I don't really buy his not only being in contact with the OW, but helping her to get settled. He should be more concerned with your well-being right now. It speaks volumes.

That being said, if he's in it for the long haul, both of you need to dig deep about what you both need to make this work. I hope you the best for you! Good luck!


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I am sorry that this woman and your ******* husband are creating more unnecessary pain for you to deal with. Please file for divorce immediately. Expose this affair. If you have close friends and family be around them for support. The death of your child should bring people closer. Not give them an excuse to end your marriage, move on, leave you and your other child to shoulder this painful burden on your own. This makes my blood boil thinking of what those two are doing. Please shut the door to this marriage. Consider yourself lucky to be done with him. And focus on the child you still have & healing after losing your child. I'm sending you a huge hug (ooo) and warm powerful positive thoughts...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Exposure is needed regardless if you R or D. I am sorry if creates any type of bad blood he should have kept it in his pants.

Exposure kills an A. His family and friends raging on him to grow up, and if it a D then everyone knows the real story.

Right now he is in a fog and you need to jerk him our of it. Exposure and his stuff on the street ought to do that


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

standinginthegap said:


> I said encouragement not advice for me to leave my husband I still love him


I encourage you to use your arms. 
_______

_You’re stuck out in a storm on a row boat, please, do more than pray.

Pray to God, but row away from the rocks.

Ask for the Almighty’s help, I’m not advising against that. But I say if you have two paddles and a safe direction to head in, it’s your God-given duty to use your arms to save yourself.

If you’re in a bad mess, ask for help, but help yourself first.

*~Hunter S. Thompson*_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Please read this:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> Then find yourself a good attorney.


I couldn't agree more! We may sound pessimistic. But you hit the nail on the head. I believe marriages can be saved after an affair. However, I agree he has to want to change and end the affair. That could take a very long time. She is moving closer to him & he's helping her move. Unfortunately, I think this has been going on for a very long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You have to be willing to end to marriage in order to save it, I can't stress this enough. Otherwise, he sees you as a door mat and does whatever he wants.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> I said encouragement not advice for me to leave my husband I still love him and if you haven't read my user name its standinginthegap. I believe in the power of God to restore marriages. I have learned to look at this for what it actually is a spiritual battle that is what all matters of infidelity and adultery are. Marriages are the number one things satan tries to destroy. I want to hear words of encouragement from people who have dealt with it and have made it threw it.


You'll find precious few words of encouragement from BS's that allowed themselves to be doormats; because they're either miserable in a false R, or divorced. 

Taking divorce off the table when your spouse has cheated; is like going to a doctor with an infection and telling him I don't want antibiotics - what else can I do?

By accepting him going to see this OW, you've essentially given him the message that no matter what he does, he doesn't have to worry about you divorcing him. He has no fear of losing you, and until he understands what it's like to lose his wife for cheating; your marriage doesn't have much hope.

You have to be willing to end your marriage to have the best chance at saving it.

You should calmly tell him that if he goes to see the OW again or makes any contact with her - YOU WILL HEAD STRAIGHT TO DIVORCE. If he goes, have divorce papers waiting on him when he gets back, implement the 180 to detach from him and move on with your life.

I'm very sorry about your situation. I'm not religious, but I've often heard the Lord helps those who help themselves. This is what you have to do to help yourself.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I went through this from early Feb till the end of April 2013. I was done with my marriage. The pastor I was seeing at the time told me to divorce my wife. I started the process for divorce. Though I was done with the marriage I was not done trying to rescue my wife's soul. I prayed like I never had before for her. There were many wierd things that happened. I am not a real believer in demons but I faced them and prayed them out of my house. 

I will give you this advice as a former chaplain and minister. You got to let your husband go. 

First, expose your husband's adultery.

Ephsians 5: 1Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.a6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, *but rather expose them. 12It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light*. 14This is why it is said:


“Wake up, sleeper,

rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.


Second, Hbrews 13:4 4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.


Pray for him like you never have, but you got to let God handle this. Your husband is in serious danger but let God sort this out.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Losing a child is horrible enough, having to fight for your marriage through it is truely awful. 

I'm a big believer in trying to make the marriage work first. I think the reason you are getting such an overwhelming 'leave now' message is twofold:

First, as others have already said, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. If your H knows he can p1$$ all over you and you will stay, he is going to keep on doing it. How do you intend to snap him out of his fantasy that he can have her to go bang and you to back at home to do his laundry and darn his socks? The only way is to show him what life will be like without you. He needs a dose of reality.

Second, your WH is totally crapping on you. I've never taken a survey, but it's safe to say a majority of posters here were the betrayed. As such they tend directly to the defense of the betrayed. They also already came to grips with the first point and are taking you there, probably more abruptly than you are prepared to handle.

That's okay, take it at your own pace. This board is only here for advice and for you to see how other peoples stories unfolded so that you can get some ideas on what to do next. What ever choice you make, you have to live it, so don't let anyone here try to talk you into something that's not in your heart.

How do you see this unfolding? 

I assume he already knows you disapprove of him seeing this woman. Yet he still intends to help her move closer? 

He certainly isn't respecting his covenant with you. Does he still deserve your loyalty? 

What would it take for him to stop pursuing a relationship outside of the marriage and focus on reconciliation? 

To that last, the recommended choice (some would say only) is to file for divorce and start that 180 people were talking about. Read up on it, it has worked to save many marriages. The ones it failed to save were likely not salvagable by any means and it saved the betrayed spouse years of pain coming to grips with it (sort of like ripping off the bandaid quickly).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I went through this from early Feb till the end of April 2013. I was done with my marriage. The pastor I was seeing at the time told me to divorce my wife. I started the process for divorce. Though I was done with the marriage I was not done trying to rescue my wife's soul. I prayed like I never had before for her. There were many wierd things that happened. I am not a real believer in demons but I faced them and prayed them out of my house.
> 
> I will give you this advice as a former chaplain and minister. You got to let your husband go.
> 
> ...



Best post I have read from a Christian prospective. You should post this on the newbie thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Very sad to have lost your baby like that. How telling that this trial did not bring out the best in your husband. I am an atheist but if there is a God I am sure that he wants your husband to stop fornicating with this woman. This is a moral test. If the Bible is God's word, then your husband is a sinner who will may well roast in H€ll. Can you save him?

Perhaps. Collective wisdom is that you should cease to speak with him about anything but divorce and your remaining child. Do you visit him with any affection. Do not berate him or show anger. Steal yourself. Remain calm. In your eyes and voice show him that you will survive and prosper without him.

The reason you need to push forward to divorce him is that he must realize that he risks losing you. At the moment he has her and knows that he has you, too, should he change his mind. It is not God's will to allow him to enjoy eating the cake and having it, too.

You can forgive me and take him back if he leaves her and promises to end the illicit affair. You can do this after divorce, unless you are Catholic. Or maybe the Church allows divorce from adulterers.

The sorrow from the death of your child will cause you grief for a long time. Can you visit your child's grave? Do you talk to her? She must be telling you be strong for her elder sibling.

Keep posting. Read about the 180.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

I am certain the first encounter was a one night stand I have no doubts about that because after it happened he came back home and has been since then, but they continued to talk to each other and became emotionally attached. It wasn't until she became a flight attendant that she started flying here to sneak around with him occasionally like I said there are many states that separates us so it wasn't a constant thing. But why this woman has picked her life up to move here is beyond me, seriously I mean what woman in her right mind would willingly enter into a so called relationship with a married man with a family and that being something she was well aware of in the beginning. It's about to the a year in a half and we are still together. Even if he is telling her I love you and I wanna be with you his actions are showing he is not leaving me, he has already told her he would leave me march and October last year and he didn't. What gives what is she holding onto?


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

badmemory said:


> You'll find precious few words of encouragement from BS's that allowed themselves to be doormats; because they're either miserable in a false R, or divorced.
> 
> Taking divorce off the table when your spouse has cheated; is like going to a doctor with an infection and telling him I don't want antibiotics - what else can I do?
> 
> ...


He has already gone I drove him to the airport myself, divorce is not an option for me


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Why should he stop if he knows you will never leave?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I really don't get this? Divorce is not an option, so this man continues to cheat, even as far as OP driving the man to the airport so he can go and help her move stuff..

This is about respect. He is not respecting you or your vows, so as an adult with their own mind, you live by the choices you make.
This is your life now because you want it to be so. Maybe they will get tired of each other, but the man has two women in his life, one even drives him to see the other one.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you exposed his affair yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> He has already gone I drove him to the airport myself, divorce is not an option for me


This is why the other woman is moving close, because you allow them to. Is this what you are teaching your daughter. Divorce is wrong so if your husband cheats allow him to do it, in fact make it easy for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can guarantee your husband thinks you're of low value. People that are so desperate they put up with anything and beg for scraps are not something that is valued by anyone. If you're that desperate to keep him why not have an open marriage? He already has one and you might have more value in his eyes if you have some side fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> He has already gone I drove him to the airport myself, divorce is not an option for me


Your faith is strong and you are trying to do what you believe is right. What about your husband? Did he never share your faith, or has he changed since you got married, or does he somehow rationalize that his behavior is morally acceptable? Is he not afraid of his final judgement? Do you agree on what is morally right and wrong? What does he have to say about it?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> He has already gone I drove him to the airport myself, divorce is not an option for me


You drove him to the airport to facilitate a meeting with his mistress? Unbelievable.

You're not just accepting his cheating, you're enabling it. Very sad.

If you're not willing to help yourself, there's no one here that can help you.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

So....trying to establish a timeline for what has gone on here.

2010 - Got married 
Early 2012 - 1st child born
Mid 2013 - 2nd child born
10 days later - Husband asks for a divorce
3 months later - new child passed away
3 months and 2 days later - Affair discovered
Present - Husband helping mistress move nearby

Has he rescinded his request for a divorce? 
Has he filed for divorce? 
When did the "one night stand" happen? 
And why do you think it was a one night stand when you just sent him off to see her?
Do you have a job?
Did you keep the receipt for the plane ticket? That's a few hundred dollars he took from the marital assets to support his affair. What else is there?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

It’s axiomatic that an individual’s true character is best revealed in the face of adversity.

The fellow is a two-time looser of the highest order. He’s a cheater and he’s a coward.

I would not want to be associated with such an individual and I would not want such an individual influencing the character of my young child.

Divorce is not an option? Neither is infidelity nor turning your back on those who rely upon you. I appreciate you may have religious conflict here BUT Jesus is in the business of redemption and forgiveness and this may be your time to call for a Mulligan.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

thebadguy said:


> So....trying to establish a timeline for what has gone on here.
> 
> 2010 - Got married
> Early 2012 - 1st child born
> ...



Meet the hubby sometime in 2009, got married in 2010 and had our first child later on that year. Didn't know at the time but first encounter happened in summer 2012 while he was away at training. Second child born 2013, passed and found out two days after. He haven't taken divorce off the table but hasn't left either, I am currently a full time student and he says he's not gonna abandon us but I won't start working until I finish school sometime later this year. So maybe that's what he has in his mind IDK. This year the woman decided to move closer. She is a flight attendant so he didn't pay for this flight to help her move because she added him under herself as family and friends that can fly free. I can't control the OW moving here, nor my husbands actions. 

He is still hurt by me and I do believe he is afraid I will hurt him again. No I have never been unfaithful to my husband but I am not gonna paint a picture of me being a perfect wife. I used to be very controlling(to the point he couldn't do things with my permission first) argumentative, I would belittle him and let him tell it made him less of a man, taken all of his happiness away, is this things all wayward spouses say maybe IDK.

I am truly sorry for what I have done to him and have taken steps to change those things I am no longer that way. Me exposing his affair would just give him more the reason to say I knew you wouldn't change and it was just fake. He expects I'm gonna tell his command, and do all the other things for a lack of better words crazy black women do when they have been betrayed. Me feeding into any of that would just prove him right, me fighting with him about any of those things would only be what he is expecting me to do. Trying to stop him I'm sure he would have something to say about that. Some say he is only still here because he is obligated this could be true, but I am not gonna stop him from leaving (do not stand in the way of sinners) but I am not going anywhere.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Will_Kane said:


> Your faith is strong and you are trying to do what you believe is right. What about your husband? Did he never share your faith, or has he changed since you got married, or does he somehow rationalize that his behavior is morally acceptable? Is he not afraid of his final judgement? Do you agree on what is morally right and wrong? What does he have to say about it?


I can't save him but God can, he does believe in God but currently isn't trying to have a relationship with him, not trying to do right and doesn't want it in his life


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

badmemory said:


> You drove him to the airport to facilitate a meeting with his mistress? Unbelievable.
> 
> You're not just accepting his cheating, you're enabling it. Very sad.
> 
> If you're not willing to help yourself, there's no one here that can help you.


And you suppose that filing for divorce is me helping myself? 

psalms 1:1 Blessed is the man, Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; 

Me standing in his way is nothing more than me not applying the principles of the bible, that's what it's there for to be followed. Everything you could ever face in life can be found there. 

Have you not noticed my profile profile picture, DO NOT JUDGE, YOU DONT KNOW THE STORM I HAVE ASKED HER TO WALK THROUGH - GOD. Don't believe me look at the story of Hosea and his wife Gomer in the bible.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Acoa said:


> I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Losing a child is horrible enough, having to fight for your marriage through it is truely awful.
> 
> I'm a big believer in trying to make the marriage work first. I think the reason you are getting such an overwhelming 'leave now' message is twofold:
> 
> ...


Yes he is aware I don't approve in the beginning I asked him to stop contact, he doesn't have family in his life. In the beginning i also tried revealing the affair to her family but he came to her defense wasn't that surprised about this. 

How my spouse treats me shouldn't affect how I treat him, so does he still deserve my loyalty yes, I am to show him unconditional love no matter what, it's in the vows: in sickness and health, richer or poor, better or worst, til death due us part. People expect marriage to be all sunshine and rainbows, you want the good but not the bad? You find out who you truly are in adversity. I will not subcum to worldly views. 

Don't know the answer to the last question, only God knows that and I am seeking Him in regards to all of this


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> He has already gone I drove him to the airport myself, divorce is not an option for me


 
If you did this you really need to get some help and therapy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you don’t need people telling you to hang in there, you need people to show you how to get out and move on. Stand up and have self-respect, you picked the wrong mate! you better wake up, you act like the OW is the one with the problem because she’s moving close to him, trust me you’re wrong. You put your H on the plane knowing he's going to screw some other woman, and then he’s moving her closer to him so they can spend more time together, have sex any time they want, and strengthen their relationship and the best defense you have is to hope it doesn’t work out for him and he wakes up. If she moves to your town, once they are settled in you are finished and will be out of the picture. If you don’t kick him out and file now the M is over, don’t be afraid you can’t find anyone else, because anyone else would be better than what you found.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> And you suppose that filing for divorce is me helping myself?


If he continues this affair, absolutely I do; as do most of the other posters here.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> And you suppose that filing for divorce is me helping myself? .


The only other thing I see here is you are not telling everything. You are not leaving and are tolerating this because you are riddled with guilt. Which is it?


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

southernsurf said:


> The only other thing I see here is you are not telling everything. You are not leaving and are tolerating this because you are riddled with guilt. Which is it?


Guilt of what, or have you been hurt so badly before that you think everyone is hiding something?!? Not everyone have secrets, I have nothing to hide, ask me anything and I am more than willing to tell, see I'm able to admit that I have faults, can I control my husband no but I do believe had I not been the way that I was he would have never stepped out of our marriage. There was a point when my husband wanted to work on us before his affair but like I said I was a Mrs. Know it all, my way or the high way, very controlling. I didn't treat my husband the way he should have been treated and didn't allow him to be the head of the house hold like I said I'm not perfect, but the difference is I am trying to right my wrongs.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

crazy black women? oh my. 
he is using you and you're not only letting him but helping him. you drove him to the airport to go spend time with another woman? is this a joke?
he has sex with this woman!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

and you want to know what she is getting out of it?
in addition to getting some help moving, she's spending time in a fantasy world with a man that probably gives her lots of compliments and lies to her about a future together. her ego is inflated bc she's got a married man that she thinks wants to be with her more than his family. they share a world free of bills, crying kids and the dull day to day necessities of running a household. the sex might be pretty good too. 
at least that's what i'm guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> can I control my husband no


No you can't control your husband. But you can control what you accept from him.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm sorry you are here and for the loss of your child, no parent should ever have to go through that. 

Religion can be used to cement both sides of an arguement. 

"My concern is not whether God is on our side," "My greatest concern is to be on God's side."

Abraham Lincoln 

Slaveholders justified thier practice by citing the bible

"slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling" (Ephesians 6:5), or "tell slaves to be submissive to their masters and to give satisfaction in every respect" (Titus 2:9).

Be very careful when you use religion to justify your actions.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

southernsurf said:


> If you did this you really need to get some help and therapy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you don’t need people telling you to hang in there, you need people to show you how to get out and move on. Stand up and have self-respect, you picked the wrong mate! you better wake up, you act like the OW is the one with the problem because she’s moving close to him, trust me you’re wrong. You put your H on the plane knowing he's going to screw some other woman, and then he’s moving her closer to him so they can spend more time together, have sex any time they want, and strengthen their relationship and the best defense you have is to hope it doesn’t work out for him and he wakes up. If she moves to your town, once they are settled in you are finished and will be out of the picture. If you don’t kick him out and file now the M is over, don’t be afraid you can’t find anyone else, because anyone else would be better than what you found.


I'm not worried about not being able to find someone else and I don't think I can't do any better, I'm just holding true to what I believe and his actions towards me shouldn't affect how I am towards him, love covers a multitude of sin.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm assuming if he starts beating the sh!t out of you or your child that's ok? Because his behavior shouldn't have anything to do with your actions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> And you suppose that filing for divorce is me helping myself?
> 
> psalms 1:1 Blessed is the man, Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
> 
> ...


And if you read Hosea 2:2 “Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts."

It does seem to me that Hosea divorced Gomer.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> And if you read Hosea 2:2 “Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts."
> 
> It does seem to me that Hosea divorced Gomer.


And you over look where the story starts at, Hosea 1:2 when The Lord began to speak through Hosea, The Lord said to him: "go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to The Lord" 

The point of this you ask, Hosea's mission is to share the pain God feels at his peoples unfaithfullness and to act out God's unshakable love for his people. God therefore tells Hosea to love a woman who will be as unfaithful to him as Israel has been unfaithful to The Lord. The God tells Hosea to take her back.

It might seem that way but in the end he doesn't, and if you read more in chapter 2 of Hosea it goes on to say:

4 “I will not have mercy on her children,
For they are the children of harlotry.
5 For their mother has played the harlot;
She who conceived them has behaved shamefully.
For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
Who give me my bread and my water,
My wool and my linen,
My oil and my drink.’
6 “Therefore, behold,
I will hedge up your way with thorns,
And wall her in,
So that she cannot find her paths.
7 She will chase her lovers,
But not overtake them;
Yes, she will seek them, but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go and return to my first husband,
For then it was better for me than now.’
8 For she did not know
That I gave her grain, new wine, and oil,
And multiplied her silver and gold—
Which they prepared for Baal.


The grass is not always greener on the other side


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Standing, I was so saddened to hear about the death of your little one. Children are God's most wonderful gift to us, and to lose one so young has to be heartbreaking. I sincerely hope that your husband can stop his hurtful behavior and give you love and encouragement at this time. I'm hopeful for your future.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

thummper said:


> Standing, I was so saddened to hear about the death of your little one. Children are God's most wonderful gift to us, and to lose one so young has to be heartbreaking. I sincerely hope that your husband can stop his hurtful behavior and give you love and encouragement at this time. I'm hopeful for your future.


Thanks Thummper


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Standing, I understand your thoughts for I also have a religious background and when my wife moved out, trashed me, and was happy to give our church a one sided story, I was counseled to love her as Christ did. I made the decision to take care of her garden and let her have all of the fruits, and veggies she wanted. I suppose my intentions were noble, I mean even her 1st cousin said that made her cry, to hear that I chose to show love in spite of her hurtful actions. But you know what ? My wife treated it like it was NOTHING !! Very contemptuous and unappreciative. SO I GET WHAT YOUR DOING, and I admire you for that. My point is, your spouse is not in the right frame of mood to appreciate what your doing. He is more than likely wrapped up in his other woman to appreciate that.

My wife started respecting me when I basically got on with my life 
and decided she wasn't going to determine my happiness or the lack thereof. The changes that have taken place in me for the better are not predicated on whether she's in my life or not. If she cares to join this better person, that's up to her. But after a certain time ,I'm going to give her the freedom[and mine too] to live without me. 

Remember, you can't control what he does. But you can decide what kind of treatment you will take. That ultimately decides how your life will be.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Thanks Baablacksheep, there are very few who understand what I am doing and why, and at times I feel as if I am being ridiculed for wanting to do right. Made out as if I am condoning him when I am not, like I am okay with it when that is totally not the case. 

I try so hard not to look at my current circumstances and view things with my natural eyes for they often tell me it is over, this is pointless, but try to focus on things from a different view point which tells me this isn't over, it is only the beginning, God is not done yet(my spiritual eyes). 

That's why I keep trying to tell people that there is always hope in a hopeless situations.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> Thanks Baablacksheep, there are very few who understand what I am doing and why, and at times I feel as if I am being ridiculed for wanting to do right. Made out as if I am condoning him when I am not, like I am okay with it when that is totally not the case.
> 
> I try so hard not to look at my current circumstances and view things with my natural eyes for they often tell me it is over, this is pointless, but try to focus on things from a different view point which tells me this isn't over, it is only the beginning, God is not done yet(my spiritual eyes).
> 
> That's why I keep trying to tell people that there is always hope in a hopeless situations.




And there is hope no matter what. I agree. I realy do understand your perspective. But be sure you are following God's plan for your life and not your own. I have seen too many folks burned on this, where they felt God was leading them or telling them to do something and it turned out different.

I just want to make sure you understand that you can D your husband based upon Jesus' words.

If you are using Hosea as an example then I will pray a hedge of thorns around your husband and pray that he sees his evil ways and comes back to you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> Me standing in his way is nothing more than me not applying the principles of the bible, that's what it's there for to be followed. Everything you could ever face in life can be found there.


How is standing in his way not applying the principles of the bible? Where in the bible does it require you to help him carry out his affair?

I am also curious on your thoughts on the allowance for divorce in instances of adulatory. I am not saying you need to divorce, but it seems it is allowable if you wanted to go that route.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How is standing in his way not applying the principles of the bible? Where in the bible does it require you to help him carry out his affair?
> 
> I am also curious on your thoughts on the allowance for divorce in instances of adulatory. I am not saying you need to divorce, but it seems it is allowable if you wanted to go that route.


1.) Psalms 1:1-2 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his ddlight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
Meaning: l gave the whole verse but focus on the part that says nor stand in the way of sinners. It is not my job to try and stop him. Remember blessed is the man who doesn't.

2.) And divorce being allowed due to adultery is a common misconception. Moses was the one who allowed divorce due to adultery becsuse a hardening of the heart, but God never said it was okay. When Jesus was questioned on this very matter in Matthew 19 he says "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh so they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate."

God never said divorce was allowable, Moses did, but God said you shall not separate.

My views are on His words because that is where the truth is.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Thanks Thorburn, that would be greatly appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> 1.) Psalms 1:1-2 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his ddlight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
> Meaning: l gave the whole verse but focus on the part that says nor stand in the way of sinners. It is not my job to try and stop him. Remember blessed is the man who doesn't.
> 
> 2.) And divorce being allowed due to adultery is a common misconception. Moses was the one who allowed divorce due to adultery becsuse a hardening of the heart, but God never said it was okay. When Jesus was questioned on this very matter in Matthew 19 he says "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh so they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate."
> ...


Like I said before I understand your views. I don't agree with them but I do understand them.

First, I have a degree in Bible and further training in theology in addition to other training. I have studied Greek, Hebrew and Babylonian, some of these languages I have over 6 years of study.

The Hebrew noun חַטָּאִים ׳ד in Psalm 1:1 "and in the way" of sinners, means we are not to walk in that way as the sinners do, we are not to take that road, that path, that direction. When you look at Psalm 1:1 it tells us what not to do, a way he will not walk, a path he will not take and a seat he will not sit in.

If you really don't want to interfere with your husband's sin then quote and lean on Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but *****mongers and adulterers God will judge." Then you will have my agreement with you more. If we let the adulterer go, God will deal with them. I think you are missing the meaning of Psalm 1:1. Use Hebrews 13:4 and you will be correct in what you are thinking.


On divorce: Matthew 19:9 "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." 

I see this passage as allowing for divorce. The Catholic church and various Protestants teach that Jesus did not allow divorce under any circumstance. I am not here to change your mind on that. If you follow the teaching that divorce is not permissible, based upon your view of the Scriptures so be it. 

But I do challenge you to look at the whole Scripture and don't cherry pick those verses that appeal to your mind set.

Are you following what it says in Ephesians 5 to expose this?

5 1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Again, I do understand your views. I will pray for you and have prayed for you and your situation. I will also challenge some of your views.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

You guys are making it seem as if l am blocking the hubby in his ways (coming and going) in the beginning I used to plead with him, begging him to end his EA, that is not the case anymore. I'm not standing in his way, but I'm not gonna pick up and leave my house when he is the one that wants to leave. He his free to leave at any given time and l have made that more than clear to him that l don't care. My trust is in the Lord not him. My husbands intension are not very clear as you guys may think, he hasn't left because of multiple reason, or he uses excuses as to why he is still here. Like last year he said he was only still with me because of our lease and once that was up he would leave, well October came and went we didn't renew the lease there but together signed a new lease at a different place. His will was one thing but Gods will is what was done.

I do strongly believe that this is all apart of my trial and God truly shines in situations that seems dead, too far gone to be saved.

A song the Lord has brought to my attention in all of this is by Yolanda Adams, the battle is not yours. There is a part in the song when she says: the battle is not yours its the Lords he only wants to use you to prove to your enemies that He is God the battle is not yours its the Lords. 

My enemies: satan, and all the naysayers, who will say it is over but its not over until God says its over. and ultimately it is God's will that will be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

My hubby is very unsure of what he wants, so far as divorce he will say he wants one but he is not 100% sure about divorce. And that is one of the reasons he uses now for still being here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I encourage you to read some of Dr. Dobson.

And to kick him out.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I also encourage you to think about how you will deal with all of the resentment should he decide to leave the OW. It won't all be magically fixed.

Have you been tested for STDs? Outed him to family and friends? Told her Facebook friends and family?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> My hubby is very unsure of what he wants, so far as divorce he will say he wants one but he is not 100% sure about divorce. And that is one of the reasons he uses now for still being here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's called cake eating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> 1.) Psalms 1:1-2 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his ddlight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
> Meaning: l gave the whole verse but focus on the part that says nor stand in the way of sinners. It is not my job to try and stop him. Remember blessed is the man who doesn't.


But I don't see how that applies to not helping him. So while you can't physically prevent him from leaving the house, for example, I don't see anything about you being required to drive him to the airport. So why do that, as opposed to letting him grab a cab?



> 2.) And divorce being allowed due to adultery is a common misconception. Moses was the one who allowed divorce due to adultery becsuse a hardening of the heart, but God never said it was okay. When Jesus was questioned on this very matter in Matthew 19 he says "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh so they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate."
> 
> God never said divorce was allowable, Moses did, but God said you shall not separate.


But doesn't verse nine address that?

“Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.”

Again, not saying you should divorce, only noting that there is a difference between not being able to and choosing not to do so.



> My views are on His words because that is where the truth is.


Not disagreeing, just trying to understand your thought process on this.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I feel sad for you.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Where we stay a cab ride to the airport is a good $115, we are already financially strapped so it wasn't ideal but l did what l had to do to ensure our other bills were still paid. 

There are any misconceptions in the Bible when it comes to translations of it.

In Matthew 19:9 when it says "l tell you then that any man who divorces his wife for any cause other than fornication commits adultery if he marries some other woman" Fornication is a word that was miss translated the greek word for it is porneia which mean sex before marriage. The verse is permitting cdivorce in cases where the spouse was found to be impure due to sexual immortality before marriage. Because sex before marriage was not allowed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are enabling the affair.

Dr. Dobson would not suggest you drive him to the airport.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You are enabling the affair.


If that is what you want to call it go right ahead, the reality is he was still going rather I drove him or not, me still having a family to take care of I decided to think about us. Paying for a cab or ensure we still have power. Our life still have to go on, even with his affair.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

But you don't have to leave your dignity behind. I would suggest since you want to save your marriage is to read up on the 180. I may be hard for you but its your best shot at saving your marriage.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

standinginthegap said:


> Thanks Baablacksheep, there are very few who understand what I am doing and why, and at times I feel as if I am being ridiculed for wanting to do right. Made out as if I am condoning him when I am not, like I am okay with it when that is totally not the case.
> 
> I try so hard not to look at my current circumstances and view things with my natural eyes for they often tell me it is over, this is pointless, but try to focus on things from a different view point which tells me this isn't over, it is only the beginning, God is not done yet(my spiritual eyes).
> 
> That's why I keep trying to tell people that there is always hope in a hopeless situations.



Dear Standing, I went through much of what you are going through. We had 7 children at the time and I didn't catch on very quickly. He wanted to end the marriage and sometimes, I did, too. I got wise Christian counsel from our pastor and read many books. One thing that was said in my books was that almost no matter how painful a marriage becomes, other than in cases of abuse, divorce is far more painful. I didn't know about the 180. I've often wished I had tried that rather than the arguing, begging and pleading I did. I need to tell you that I stuck with my husband as best I could. I prayed, prayed,prayed! I spent time with wise Christian friends. There were some very bad days and weeks. I lost a lot of weight and struggled to care for my children. My husband refused to end his "friendship" with the much younger woman he worked with. I think some version of the 180 did help me. Part of that was spending time with good friends, going skiing, taking the car for long drives,taking walks. We lived way out in the country. 

My husband finally came to his senses. It took over a year. Today, we have a great marriage. We sometimes talk about that time and he says he doesn't understand what was wrong with him but he is very sorry. He has proven himself in many ways. I sometimes wonder if the relationship was physical. He denies that but it was/is important to me. Anyway, my purpose in sharing is that prayer and God really changed my situation for the best. It can for you, too! 

I admire your desire to please God during this difficult time and to walk the narrow path. God will not disappoint you! I will be praying for you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

A lot of you getting wound up. She's grown, let her do what she wants


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Shoshannah said:


> Dear Standing, I went through much of what you are going through. We had 7 children at the time and I didn't catch on very quickly. He wanted to end the marriage and sometimes, I did, too. I got wise Christian counsel from our pastor and read many books. One thing that was said in my books was that almost no matter how painful a marriage becomes, other than in cases of abuse, divorce is far more painful. I didn't know about the 180. I've often wished I had tried that rather than the arguing, begging and pleading I did. I need to tell you that I stuck with my husband as best I could. I prayed, prayed,prayed! I spent time with wise Christian friends. There were some very bad days and weeks. I lost a lot of weight and struggled to care for my children. My husband refused to end his "friendship" with the much younger woman he worked with. I think some version of the 180 did help me. Part of that was spending time with good friends, going skiing, taking the car for long drives,taking walks. We lived way out in the country.
> 
> My husband finally came to his senses. It took over a year. Today, we have a great marriage. We sometimes talk about that time and he says he doesn't understand what was wrong with him but he is very sorry. He has proven himself in many ways. I sometimes wonder if the relationship was physical. He denies that but it was/is important to me. Anyway, my purpose in sharing is that prayer and God really changed my situation for the best. It can for you, too!
> 
> I admire your desire to please God during this difficult time and to walk the narrow path. God will not disappoint you! I will be praying for you.


Thanks for posting this you have no ideal how much more hope you have given me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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