# help need advice please!



## marriageadviceplease (Sep 29, 2012)

i seriously need good advice about the next steps to take in my marriage. my husband and i are in our early 20s we have a 10 month old son. he was deployed while i was pregnant and didnt meet our baby until he was 8 months old. 
my problem is that my husband is making poor choices and not putting his family first. before we got married he got a DUI. that is all taken care of. while he had pre deployment training i moved home. while i was pregnant he went one weekend out with his friends and while drunk he did something stupid and ended up costing us $500. after he got back from deployment, before he could come home he ended up in jail. he went out with his friends and one got into a fight. he said he was defending him anyway they both ended up in jail. Now he has failed a drug test with the military and is looking at getting kicked out. i wouldnt have minded the fact that he did the drug, i know hes not an addict, he wanted to try it. neither of us have ever done anything like that before. but he is in the military and knows that failing a drug test would directly affect his family.its the risk he took. 
he gives into peer pressure and will do anything when hes with friends on impulse. 
Other problems we have is we dont know how to get along all the time. but we havent gotten the chance to live together and actually be a family because the military always keeps us apart. he feels like hes not a dad bc he missed most of his life so far. our baby loves him but they arent really bonded yet. but he is a great dad and always plays with him and loves him and helps me out when we get to be together. we are in love the sex and everything else is great. i constantly miss him. i dont know if hes going to grow up though.
i dont know if i should stay with him and help him through it or leave him. he keeps messing up one thing after another and doesnt understand there are consequences to his actions. he always has to be doing something and likes to do crazy "fun" things. that is one of the reasons i fell in love with him because he was exciting alway kept my life interesting but now we have a baby and its time to get real. i know others have it worse but i cant decide what to do because i honestly dont know if this is a wake up call to him or if he isnt going to change. 
what should i do???


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

marriageadviceplease said:


> i dont know if i should stay with him and help him through it or leave him. he keeps messing up one thing after another and doesnt understand there are consequences to his actions.


How are you going to help him? These are HIS choices. 
Of course he has no consequences for his actions, this is one of the reasons he keeps messing up. People don't usually change unless they have a consequence and are held accountable for their actions, none of this has happened for him. 

One way he could have a consequence is for you and your son to leave. I'm not saying for sure that will work, or change things, but it could be a start. He needs to know up front what you will and will not put up with.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You've got to ask him. Sit down face to face & look him in the eye and ask.. Does he want you & son & him to be a committed family? Does he want to grow up now & take responsibility for his family? 

Or does he want to be free of you & kid responsibility & does he want you to allow him to **** up his own life? Does he want the rope to make his own noose?

If so, then walk out & hand him his rope. 

If he chooses marriage & family, then tell him you've got to have counseling & learn how to communicate & fight fairly. & the irresponsible drugs & drinking will HAVE to stop, if he wants your respect. If he choses the drinking & drugs over you & the son, than you know what choice he actually chose... and you will react accordingly and leave him.

THen do it.


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