# Fear of screwing up the kids



## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

My partner just stormed out of the house after a 3 way argument erupted over putting the youngest to bed.

He was really tired and throwing a tantrum - normally it's my job to put them to bed, but I was falling asleep on the sofa after having taken the kids out while my partner slept the afternoon. This doesn't normally happen I usually do it regardless of the situation. 

Anyway it started as a tantrum and shouting between her and the child, ended up with a short 3 way and then she sat with the child briefly before leaving.

Long story - we have been backwards and forwards from the brink for several years. Our lives are now so diffeent I am not sure if there is a way back - I am not sure both of us can make it work.

In many ways I have become resigned to a separation over the last 1-2 years. And that's where my concern starts:

My oldest went through a really bad experience at school for 3 years which ended up with him being diagnosed with a condition that explains alot of the challenges he has faced. Anyway he has had some treatment (most to come) and we moved out of the area to a new school. He now has some friends for probably the first time in the last 5 years. 

The youngest is really settled in the school as well after having started a couple of years ago.

Herein lies the problem - I know mostly the kids go to mum, but we don't own our house and I know that the child support I would be required to pay would not cover the rent on our house let alone bills. It's an expensive suburb to live. My partner doesn't work so I am faced with the prospect of not only losing my children but also the prospect of them ending up in a much worse situation than they are today. I have even looked at the option of paying more but on a single income I wouldn't be able to live either.

It's eating me up, it has been for several months and so I have shied away from separation. But, I know this cannot continue otherwise it will affect the kids by us staying together.

We have no family in country so they can't help out.

Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like you'd end things if the $ situation could be resolved. 
What does your wife want? 
If she too wants it to end better talk the realities with her of the finances.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Sounds like you have different parenting approaches and both are tired.
It's not clear why you want to separate?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Honestly, I think your situation is very common. It's hard for a lot of people to envision a divorce that doesn't impact the kids to a serious degree. Do you think you could talk with your wife about putting together a plan for separation? She'll need to get a job, so probably the sooner she starts looking, the better. Maybe you guys can even budget for extra savings to cushion the blow when one or both of you moves to a new place. Maybe the reality of the numbers will even be enough to inspire you guys to try counseling and giving it another go? If not, it could get you on the road to separation working together for the kids, which I'm sure could only benefit them.


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## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

Maneo said:


> Sounds like you'd end things if the $ situation could be resolved.
> What does your wife want?
> If she too wants it to end better talk the realities with her of the finances.


I actually think she does but isn't there yet. She sent me a text saying things couldn't go on as they were and she would talk when she got back.

She came back about 3 hours later and nothing, I tried to get her to talk but no. 

I think my acceptance of the end shocked her and today has been very quiet.

Actually I would end it if I could come up with a plan for the kids, the $ don't matter other than to achieve the outcome I want. From that perspective alone it would be easier for them to stay with me but incredibly hard on her having to move out, get a job and cope with not being a full time mum.


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## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

Aerith said:


> Sounds like you have different parenting approaches and both are tired.
> It's not clear why you want to separate?


You are right we do have different approaches, I have tried as much as possible to adopt hers as she spends the most time with them so theoretically has the best understanding of who they are and how they react.

As to the separation, its simple but not. We started out with our first pretty much on the same page. We relocated when he was 2 and at first it seemed like the perfect outcome. Then with our second, she decided that staying home for the 1st year was the way to go. I agreed, even loved the idea, but that was the start of a number of events which I think resulted in us being here.

I changed jobs before our second arrived - unfortunately it turned into a nightmare job, really long hours and high stress. I would do a full day and be back online again at 3 in the morning when the baby was awake. As our only source of income I just plowed ahead and by the time I left the job after 2 years we didn't know each other.

In this time she decided that 2 years at home was better, then it became until school. We argued about money as she felt I was being restricting in how our money was spent. I offered her 50% of all the earnings and we would manage the bills together but she never wanted to do that.

When our youngest turned 5 - it was he's not ready for school yet, now he's been at school for 5 terms and still nothing.

I realised reading this forum that we no longer make love - jsut very occasionally relieve some sexual tension, and even that is more often than not one sided. 

I have tried various things, making sure I was doing some stuff I wanted to do. I played soccer, but after 3 broken fingers (I played goal) suddenly there was no support for that. Then I got a motorbike, which I wrote off just before Xmas. The response to that was 'how much are you insured for' and 'you can't get another bike, if you kill yourself we'll be penniless'.

I have tried the happy approach, ignoring the problems and trying to move forward but most times I get the stock answer ' I don't know'. It doesn't matter if its a movie date with me or going to the beach with the kids, or taking a temp job in another city. I just can't get her to engage anymore unless it's a heated argument which I don't have the desire for.

I have come to realise I am likely to be happier without trying to fit round someone else who seemingly doesn't want me. But the kids..................................


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Could your wife be depressed?


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