# Men are confusing



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Hi everyone =) 
I haven’t been on this site for a while, just going through some emotional stages right now and need some new perspective point of views. Well, I had divorce my ex-husband after one year of marriage in 2010 (basically he was a drunk and choose that addiction over our marriage.
Well since than I have moved on, and met a man who I have falling in love with, the feelings I have for him, I never felt for any one not even my ex-husband. I see my life with this man, he doesn’t drink, smoke and he has a good head on his shoulder. He has seen and been through a lot in life, especially with females. Basically, he wants a female who is faithful, honest and is true to him. Which, I am – but he loves me but doesn’t trust me 100%. Basically, what I am trying to get at, is I love this man, and he is good to me.. but when he gets upset, he takes his anger and causes a fight for the most dumbest things, (we don’t fight about serious things, and I don’t fight with him or pick any fights with him) but he does, if it’s not the cellphone service, it’s how come I didn’t text him back… just stupid things, but the things that he says can be emotionally stressful. ( guess, he is insecure because we live apart, I live alone and he lives with his aunt and cousins) We are planning to live together by next year after saving some money. 

Its just that when he is upset or in a bad mood, he pushes me away and starts lil fights with me, and doesn’t want to talk and just shut me down, Whereas, I want to talk about things, but it’s the cursing words he says that causes such hurt, because I am not use to that .. When he is happy we are good – but at times I feel this relationship revolves around his moods.. and I don’t know how to handle it.. I fight for him, because I want to show him and prove to him. I am honest, faithful, and that I love him.. but how much more can one take. Then again, I don’t want to jump from one relationship to the next, because he makes my heart happy and makes me feel content. Men!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Subconciously, he's trying to prove to himself that you are going to screw him over just like women from his past have done.

And sadly, if he doesn't get a handle on the behavior, he'll prove himself right ... because you will get sick of the way he treats you, justifiably so, and dump him.

It is very damaging behavior, to the both of you.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

yeah, its a damaging relationship.. in which he is causing.. I Trust and Believe him, but I cant see why he doesnt. When we are together, he doesnt fight with me, and if he does, we talk about it face to face.. but when we are apart he just shuts me off the phone and i have to text and try to get him to speak to me, until he calms his nerves down than he would acknowledge the matter.. but as i say the fights are so childish.. Its mostly when i am not with him .. but when we are together all is okay.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Stop responding to that. It absolutely is childish behavior, and you enable it by pursuing him by calling, text, etc.

If he shuts you out. Do NOT try to get back in touch with him. Go zero contact. Let him calm himself down and get back to you. Try it. Trust me.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Your bf sounds insecure and doesn't know how to maturely solve problems. If you don't mind, what are your ages?

Also when you say he curses at you, does he call you names?
Turning off a phone is childish and does not speak well for someone's relationships skills. 

Also I'd like to caution you because you are recently divorced from an addicted man. Being with someone who treats you very badly skews your perception of the next relationship unless you take time to heal and get good boundaries. Sometimes we assume that just because the next relationship doesn't have the same problems as the last one that it's automatically OK and the person is good. It ain't necessarily so and I think you need to be very careful here because you should not be in a relationship where you feel like you have fight for it nor where you are continuously having to prove your love to someone. Mature healthy relationships are not made up of such stuff. I see a lot of danger signals here, possibly future emotional abuse and control issues. 

What have you done to address the trauma from your divorce?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i dont see what the confusion is? he is a jerk


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I am 31 and he is 34.. and I mentally i am more mature than him. He can be such a jerk, but I have tried to stop calling him and texting him when he gets to this point, but than my crazy mind, and heart wont allow it. its like when he shuts me away, I cant say what i feel or tell my side of story.. he just curses and start calling me names, that I am not! and that is what hurts the most, he hasn't physically hit me, just emotionally tears me apart when it gets to this point. When he calms his nerves and we talk finally.. that is when i feel at peace. I dont know why he has this hold on me, I never put him with crap like this before, and with him, I allow it. I didnt do anything during the divorce, i just focus on getting my life back financially. I think i need to put my foot down and give an ultimatum, and next time this crap happens, dont even fight,.. because i doubt he would fight for me if tables were turned. I feel that i have given so much of myself to him, and stop focusing on all the other joys in my life .. and made him revolved to much around my happiness.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

What he is doing IS emotional abuse and it has cycles, the push pull, the good time, the bad, it keeps you hooked. 

Please pull the plug on this relationship as it will only get worse and will do more damage to you. Please seek some therapy because your divorce/marriage to an addicted man has your mind messed up and you need to figure out what his healthy and what is not. If you don't address this pattern now, you will keep repeating it with disastrous results. BTDT. 

Please get out and seek some help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

christine30 said:


> He has seen and been through a lot in life, especially with females.
> 
> he loves me but doesn’t trust me 100%.
> 
> ...





christine30 said:


> yeah, its a damaging relationship..
> 
> when we are apart he just shuts me off the phone and i have to text and try to get him to speak to me, until he calms his nerves down than he would acknowledge the matter





christine30 said:


> he just curses and start calling me names, that I am not! and that is what hurts the most, he hasn't physically hit me, just emotionally tears me apart when it gets to this point.
> 
> ,.. because i doubt he would fight for me if tables were turned.


RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

You are in an abusive relationship. He is emotionally abusive. It will get worse over time. Promise. 

He's insecure, jealous, teras you down, talks you down, curses at you, withdraws when he doesn't get his way, holds you to a different standard.

The stupidest thing you could do is move in with this guy. Really bad idea. He's 34 and acting like an 8 yr old. Run run run for the hills. 

I'm not surprised he said he's had a lot of problems with "females." With his attitude, it's no wonder. Let me guess--he blames all of his exes for everything??? Doesn't own his bad behavior? Says you are to blame for his bad behavior/bad attitude/crusing/anger?? Never apologizes?

Am I right?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Jelly's right; run as fast as you can. Good men are not confusing, and from your description, you do not have a good man.

As you said, you have allowed him to define your happiness. Never let another person do this to you!


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Jellybean - you are so right!! when i look back at the signs, its all there.. and i allow him to act that way towards me, and he knows he can do that cause i go back... and than act as if all is okay. I have to be strong as I once were!. 
thanks everyone


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

And No he has never apologized for hurting my feelings, or making me cry.. Never!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

christine30 said:


> Jellybean - you are so right!! when i look back at the signs, its all there.. and i allow him to act that way towards me, and he knows he can do that cause i go back... and than act as if all is okay. I have to be strong as I once were!.
> thanks everyone


I'm not proud to "know" these things. I was married to an emotional abuser so I am very aware of how they operate.

My advice is to cut him off now. I fhe steps up to the plate and starts owning his BS and commits to stopping his bad behavior, that's onet hing. If not, you have your answer. Right now though don't go with the status quo. You are enabling him every time you go back to him after he treats you poorly.



christine30 said:


> And No he has never apologized for hurting my feelings, or making me cry.. Never!!


Not suprised.  Abusers rarely apologize, if ever. The word "Sorry" is not in their vocabulary. He feels no need to apologize because either he feels entitled or knows you will be ther eno matter what to tak ehis abuse. 

Stop doing that. 

You are 30. Don't waste this decade on this loser. There are 6.9 billion people on the planet. He's not the only one. You sound like a good woman with a job and who can support herself and lives on her own. He's 34 living with auntie and acting like a child. Get out now. 

Check these links out:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse


http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I was married to one also many years ago and thought never again but I let my guard down and a few years ago got involved with another. 

Please don't do this to yourself, get out now and don't believe the twisted poor pitiful me **** he will try to pull on you. They are manipulative in the worst way.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. This one seems like a dud. Maybe there is an obvious reason he hasn't had luck with relationships? 

Alternately, like any bully. Just take a step back, wind up, and kick him in the jewels as hard as you can. Then, walk up to him, stoop right over him as he gags for breath, and say "Never EVER EVER talk to me tha way again."

Ok. Maybe not. But I'm just saying......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'll bet he was really nice and sweet in the beginning and he did not show his dark side. Did he tell you he loved you and want commitment very early in the relationship? Did his dark side come out suddenly when he was sure you were hooked?

You may have an abuser; it seems to fit the pattern. Look up relationships with abusers and see if you recognize him. If you stay in, he will escalate slowly and you will wonder how you got into this type of relationship. You look for that nice person he seem to be in the beginning. 

You seem to be a perfect target for an abuser, you excuse his behavior and love him even more. You exactly what he is looking for. 

I would not be so sure he was not responsible for the failed relationships due to his abuse and not that he became abusive when he was hurt. The other women were smart enough to get out. 

Does he have a job? Why is he living with his relatives at 34? Does he have a bunch of hard luck stories that he blames on others? But did he have problems because he is a jerk and does not take responsibility? 

You will regret getting involved with him. It will be hard for you but break it off and work on why you are attracting men with problems. Also, why do you love him above any man you have met? That may hold the answer as to why you attract dysfunctional men.


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