# Venting about my wife - sex, being nice and other ramblings



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

Long time lurker, first time poster. Married 12 years. I'm 45 and she's 39. 3 kids - 12, 14 & 17.

Ups and downs but generally have had a great and happy marriage. We are each others best friend. Our sex life has been in the past our biggest issue - me being HD and her sometimes being LD. Past few years it's been better, more consistent but with the occasional hiccup.

Part of our master "life plan" was for her to eventually be able to quit working as work stress was a major issue for her. She does not handle it well. Kills her libido and generally puts her in a bad mood.

So finally last year she got to "retire" and become a SAHM. The idea being that she would be able to take care of most of the chores and family responsibilities during the day, which would leave more time for us - as a couple and a family. It seemed we where either always working or doing chores.

So great, I got myself in a much better situation at work - literally doubled my salary. I love my job but it is stressful and I admit it, it drains me. But now when I come home at least I have more time to relax.

Last night I got home, beautiful day so I decide to wash my car. I'm a bit of a car nut and it's one of my major hobbies. My wife calls me - she's with my daughter at a riding lesson and did I forget to pick up our son at practice?

I respond that she hadn't mentioned this to me but I'll send our other son to pick him up. She's like - why what are you doing? I said I'm washing my car. Her response - well that's not important. I say well it's important to me. Bam - fight started.

So later that night we have a big blow up as I really didn't appreciate her comment. We hardly ever fight but this just got to me. I feel I do everything to make her happy and this is how she treats me and how she thinks about me?!

All I wanted was an apology. I know things can get said in haste. But nada. She's mad at me for making a big deal about it.

I feel like when she was working she created work stress/drama. I was hoping that not working would alleviate that. And of course I was expecting less stress in her life to help her libido. Now it seems she still manages to find new things to be stressed about - things she used to handle better when she was working. So no real change on the libido issue and now this fight.

I know I'm rambling and venting - any thoughts?

BTW - I am aware of the nice guy syndrome and for years have worked to be more assertive etc. I think it has helped but sometimes I just think - damn, did I marry a crazy person?


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Got to admit it came across to me in your story that forgetting to pick your son up wasn't that important to you. I think I can understand why your wife went off the deep end a bit. I'm sure you dont actually think that though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I can relate. Some people are basically never ever happy or relaxed for a considerable amount of time. Their moments of happiness and relaxation are so short-lived that over the span of a lifetime they are completely forgettable.

My wife is like that and I have a hard time accepting it, but I know I have to (if we are to be life partners).

It doesn't matter what the excuse of the day is. There is always something.

I always wonder if one day I'll wake up and find my wife looking at me in complete shock wondering how the hell I put up with her negative attitude all these years


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You may also want to consider that your wife making a huge deal out of this could also be another avoidance tactic. She's supper pi**ed at you so now she doesn'y have to have sex with you.

Don't get me wrong, forgetting your kid is a big deal and you sending your son took care of the issue. You may have expected too much in the way of an apology but I think your wife became unglued a bit too fast!


----------



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

Nigel said:


> Got to admit it came across to me in your story that forgetting to pick your son up wasn't that important to you. I think I can understand why your wife went off the deep end a bit. I'm sure you dont actually think that though!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nige - if you read my post again you will see that i was unaware my son needed picking up. She called me 5 minutes before he needed picking up and i was in the middle of somethign so I calmly arranged for my eldest son to go get him.


----------



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> You may also want to consider that your wife making a huge deal out of this could also be another avoidance tactic. She's supper pi**ed at you so now she doesn'y have to have sex with you.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, forgetting your kid is a big deal and you sending your son took care of the issue. You may have expected too much in the way of an apology but I think your wife became unglued a bit too fast!


Thanks for your comments - time is always the great healer. She ended up apologizing to me yesterday and explaining that she was stressed about something unrelated.

An apology from her is very rare so I took the opportunity to talk some more about how she is. I was just the closest target for her stress. 

Then later she said as she had been a bad girl maybe I could punish her later...turned out to be some great make-sex.


----------



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

synthetic said:


> I can relate. Some people are basically never ever happy or relaxed for a considerable amount of time. Their moments of happiness and relaxation are so short-lived that over the span of a lifetime they are completely forgettable.
> 
> My wife is like that and I have a hard time accepting it, but I know I have to (if we are to be life partners).
> 
> ...


Synthetic - it seems to me that it's part of the giver/taker dynamic. I'm a giver - overly so. She's mainly a taker but has got much better at giving over the years. 

I'm convinced behaviors and traits can be changed. We are both so much better at being married than we both were the first time around (with other people).

But in saying that I sometimes think it should be easier. Like I told her when we argued - I'm supposed to be your best friend and you love me so much - but yet you treated me like that - what the hell!


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

tnhusband said:


> I respond that she hadn't mentioned this to me but I'll send our other son to pick him up. She's like - why what are you doing? I said I'm washing my car. Her response - well that's not important. I say well it's important to me. Bam - fight started.
> 
> So later that night we have a big blow up as I really didn't appreciate her comment. We hardly ever fight but this just got to me. I feel I do everything to make her happy and this is how she treats me and how she thinks about me?!
> 
> All I wanted was an apology. I know things can get said in haste. But nada. She's mad at me for making a big deal about it.


It's sounds like there was miscommunication on her part, but I can see where your washing the car over picking up your son can seem, well, a mismanagement of priorities and personally if my H called me suggesting I forgot to pick up one of my kids, I would let him know he didn't ask me to in the first place, but I will certainly go get my child at that point. 

It sounds like your wife does a lot with the children. Do you think you consciously or subconsciously feel that it's primarily her job now? This includes after you get home from work. 

But what should she apologize for? She's probably feeling that washing your car over picking up your son is pretty selfish, is that possible? So you made arrangements for your oldest to go get him. Was your oldest busy? Did he have to stop what he were doing to go get your son? When my oldest daughter lived with us, I tried like heck to make sure she was not responsible for taking care of our toddler twins. I would not like it if my H darted off to the shed while I took a shower or something and asked my oldest to watch our twins. 

Just throwing out thoughts on this to maybe see where your wife was coming from.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's the result of coddling your wife too much, it comes back to bite you in the ass.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your responce should have been as followed;

" Yes washing my car is not important, but it what I want to do, just like having a quicky with you when you get home is not important.....its what I'm *going* to do"

Chicks dig flirting and all that sexual inuwendo. Time to change it up man and show her a new person that wont take her "stress crap". Seriously and now that the both of you tried a few things and her libido is still low, well its time to brush the teeth, chew some gum, put some cologen on and take her.

The big thing here is always plant the "seed" about sex with inuwendows ( I can't spell) Every chance you can get make a reference to sex.

Sex is the glue brother.

One more thing is if she's not "rubbing one out" then she's getting rusty, so encourage her.


At 45 and 21 yrs of marraige, thats my best advise


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Re your pm. Sorry mate, I did read your post properly, even so after recieving your pm I reread my original post and I still stand by what I said. You came across ( not only to me it would seem) as though washing your car was more important to you. Sorry if you didn't like the comment and I accept that's not how you actually feel, but that's the way I saw it. :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

