# The $$$$ hit the fan tonight



## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Married for 34 years and it has been unraveling for a while now. I am not "in love" and am not attracted to him anymore. And frankly I'm bored. He doesn't do much but watch TV (the news) all day long. I've been sleeping on the couch for a long time, for a couple of reasons. One is that I have restless legs and kick in my sleep, and he snores. He's never really said much about me sleeping out there and we'd have "conjugal visits" every few weeks. Well, the last time it really hurt and ever since then I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. He didn't really bring up sex much after that, but a couple weeks ago he took me out for dinner and after we got home it was 11:30 at night and he asked me if I wanted him to take a Viagra. I said "no". That didn't go over too big. But I thought, what kind of "foreplay" is this. Or is this how you show me you love me and want to have sex? Well, tonight the $$$$ hit the fan. We had been watching TV and all of a sudden he started accusing me of being on the internet all the time and reconnecting with an old bf (which I had done). At first I thought "good" - we can finally end this thing. I had to leave for work and I have been inundated with texts from him saying he wants to know what I want and how much he loves me and thought he'd spend the rest of his life with me. And he'll agree to anything I want, and he'll understand if he's not what I want anymore. And that he's been keeping these feelings in for 2 years. I know what I want to do, but I don't want to hurt my kids (in their 30's). I feel bad him telling me how much he loves me but I just don't feel the same. I am thinking about suggesting counseling, but not sure if that's going to change the way I feel or make me attracted to him again. Any advice?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Is the old boyfriend still in the picture in some way?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

After 34 years together, he deserves a chance. Go to marriage counseling with an open mind (& heart) before throwing in the towel.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

jfv said:


> Is the old boyfriend still in the picture in some way?


The one he is referring to - not really. Just casual friend conversation on fb and a rare phone call. I posted a few months ago and said that I had gotten back with a guy I got involved with when we had major trouble 10 years ago. I know it's not right, and it isn't fair. I definitely am going to go to a counselor and try to figure out this whole thing out.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

827Aug said:


> After 34 years together, he deserves a chance. Go to marriage counseling with an open mind (& heart) before throwing in the towel.


I agree.


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## buffyf (Jul 25, 2013)

I also agree that you should have one last go at this. Try the counselling that was suggested and if that doesn't help as least you have done all you can do and you know that it won't work.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've been here long enough to know what breeds resentment and contempt.......

You know the readings too...

You don't have to be religious to go, 

Marriage Help Program For Couples


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Was infidelity involved in your marriage? We don't really have the back story.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are engaging with other men and can't figure out why you are not connecting with your husband? Now there is a real mystery. Also, you were upset with the Viagra comment, think about this from his perspective. He needs the pill to perform, but you sure as heck don't want to take the thing and you say no. I don't think you either have much compassion or understanding of his medical condition. It has both a physical and psychological component that is tough on a fellow. 

I understand that the marriage is in a ditch and you are not solely to blame, but then neither is he. Time to put your big girl pants on, let go of the OM on FB and get into counseling. I can't guarantee that it will save the marriage, but at least you can try. Also look to add intimacy back in the relationship, it doesn't always have to be sex. He does not have take a pill to do everything (touching, kissing, oral, etc).


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

This has been a crazy week! I've been accused of going on match.com and porno sites, which I totally have not done. Because of the old bf on facebook he told me wanted me to get off of fb, which I did. Then the other night he said that if we weren't ever going to have sex again to just divorce him. He said he didn't care if I was on fb or not either. So, I reactivated my account. Then the next day after much thought, I wanted to give this thing another try. So, we went and laid down together. We talked for quite a while and then one thing started leading to another. I could barely stand kissing him and had to keep my eyes closed the whole time. I just can't do this anymore and I need to get legal advice. This has drug on long enough. Also, yesterday he asked me why I went back on facebook and I told him because he said I could and I got the cold shoulder all night long. I just can't do this.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Forgot to mention that I unfriended the old bf on fb, but that wasn't good enough for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess he's feeling pretty insecure right now. That's understandable.

You both let things go for a long time knowing that the marriage was in trouble. Have you called a counselor? Have you two read any books on the topic of fixing your marriage?


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

I met with a counselor last week and I go again on Wednesday. No, we haven't read any books on the topic, but considering my reaction to our physical contact the other day I just don't think I can go on with this. It just gave me a creepy feeling and I couldn't even kiss him!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedchloe said:


> I met with a counselor last week and I go again on Wednesday. No, we haven't read any books on the topic, but considering my reaction to our physical contact the other day I just don't think I can go on with this. It just gave me a creepy feeling and I couldn't even kiss him!


How old are the two of you?

Of course it gave you a creepy feeling since you have allowed yourself to lose all intimate attachment to him. The attachment can be rebuilt. You two would need to start with building non-sexual intimacy.

If you are interested on really giving your relationship a try the take a look at the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They are a good place to start.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

We are in our 60's. Thanks for the suggestion of the books. I look forward to talking to my counselor again on Wednesday to see what he says.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Are you still connecting with other men?


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

karole said:


> Are you still connecting with other men?


Sorry for the delay in answering your question. Other "men" - no, one man - yes. I got involved with him about 9 years ago and recently reconnected with him after 3 years apart. Since I posted on here I have been going to my counselor and he is really helping me a lot. My H and I have a vacation coming up soon that I have been looking forward to. I am going to do my best to enjoy this vacation and make it enjoyable for him. When I get back home I'm going to be making some serious decisions. My husband and I were intimate for the first time in months a couple weeks ago and I could hardly get myself to go through with it. I am at the point where I know I don't want to be in this rut with him anymore, and I just want to move on and have a happy life - with the BF or without him. I am going to do this for me. My counselor is helping me realize that I can't let what my kids will think/feel influence my decision. I don't want to be unhappy for 20+ more years just because of what they might think if I divorce their dad. They are grown up and have their own families and they will survive.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I think what you are doing to your husband is just cruel. You have no business going on a vacation with him if you know (which it sounds like you do) that you are going to divorce him. You should just leave him so he can get on with his life and find someone who does love him. No wonder you have no feelings for your husband, there has been three people in your marriage for 9 years. I suggest you go to the coping with infidelity section of this board and read through some threads. Perhaps it would give you a better understanding of how affairs destroy marriages. It will also give you a little insight as to what your husband is going through.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Your kids are all grown up in their 30s....Trust me... they don't really care about your decision and probably worry about living their own life more than affect by your decision, and trust that you and 'dad' will be able to figure out like adults. I am sure they have gone through and still going through life with challenges themselves to know that people make decisions for a reason instead of judging you. When my mom and dad went through some 'relationship' issues... you know what... both me and my brother have had enough for the 'whining' from both side when dad wasn't there, or mom wasn't there. We just told them to get a divorce and do whatever makes them happy. You know, in our 30s we all have our own life, families and marriage to worry about. We do love our parents but really.... we kinda want our parents to still act like adults and able to handle their own happiness without us worrying about their decisions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedchloe said:


> Sorry for the delay in answering your question. Other "men" - no, one man - yes. I got involved with him about 9 years ago and recently reconnected with him after 3 years apart. Since I posted on here I have been going to my counselor and he is really helping me a lot. My H and I have a vacation coming up soon that I have been looking forward to. I am going to do my best to enjoy this vacation and make it enjoyable for him. When I get back home I'm going to be making some serious decisions. My husband and I were intimate for the first time in months a couple weeks ago and I could hardly get myself to go through with it. I am at the point where I know I don't want to be in this rut with him anymore, and I just want to move on and have a happy life - with the BF or without him. I am going to do this for me. My counselor is helping me realize that I can't let what my kids will think/feel influence my decision. I don't want to be unhappy for 20+ more years just because of what they might think if I divorce their dad. They are grown up and have their own families and they will survive.


Come back and keep us posted on how this works out for you. We have seen it many times in the infidelity section. It makes those cheated on feel better to watch the cheaters crash and burn.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah I don't think the vacation should happen if you have already made up your mind. No need to mislead the guy.

He was way, way off on trying to push you into sex. Doing so indicated he was just dismissing your feelings/concerns altogether. He needs to be getting help himself and be woken up to the dire situation he finds himself in.

At the same time, don't mistake your disgust with being physical with him a few weeks ago as meaning that you will never be able to heal the marriage. I'm willing to bet that much if not most of the disgust was relating to the fact that he was trying to push you into that situation despite how strongly you have indicated you don't want it. I'm sure it felt forced, you probably felt guilted into it, like his actions showed he didn't care about your feelings and he just wanted to use you. No question I'm sure you felt violated. But again, I think he was just being an ignorant fool in thinking that would be ok, and thinking that your allowing it meant that you were genuinely ok with it. (I think we men have a tendency to do that some times. To take on the, "Well, she didn't stop it or say it was a problem." attitude, oblivious that there are clearly other reasons a woman might allow something to take place despite not wanting to)

But I wouldn't assume that his being an ignorant fool that night as meaning that he doesn't love you or care, or that he isn't willing to make changes. I'm willing to bet that he just has no idea how "far gone" you are and therefore doesn't realize how serious the situation is.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

cdbaker said:


> Yeah I don't think the vacation should happen if you have already made up your mind. No need to mislead the guy.
> 
> He was way, way off on trying to push you into sex. Doing so indicated he was just dismissing your feelings/concerns altogether. He needs to be getting help himself and be woken up to the dire situation he finds himself in.
> 
> ...


Or, perhaps her disgust is because she is thinking of another man rather than her husband. Or, as almost all waywards do, she is rewriting marital history to justify her affairs. Her marriage does not have a chance as long as there is another OM in her marriage. A marriage is not a marriage if 3 people are in it. She needs to stop all contact with the OM, come clean to her husband about all her affairs, and truly commit to working to repair her marriage OR file for divorce.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Indeed. If there is another man in the picture, then the marriage is doomed anyway if you aren't willing to give him up. If that is the case, then do both of you a favor and call it now.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

karole said:


> I think what you are doing to your husband is just cruel. You have no business going on a vacation with him if you know (which it sounds like you do) that you are going to divorce him. You should just leave him so he can get on with his life and find someone who does love him. No wonder you have no feelings for your husband, there has been three people in your marriage for 9 years. I suggest you go to the coping with infidelity section of this board and read through some threads. Perhaps it would give you a better understanding of how affairs destroy marriages. It will also give you a little insight as to what your husband is going through.


I am not in any way meaning to be "cruel" to him. I know that affairs can destroy marriages. In fact, my husband had an affair on me a couple years after we got married, and we worked things out. So, I know first hand what it is like to go through a spouse having an affair. I am also in no way making excuses for my behavior, but the verbal abuse that I endured after the death of our child drove me away from him, to a place that I am having a hard time returning from.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Come back and keep us posted on how this works out for you. We have seen it many times in the infidelity section. It makes those cheated on feel better to watch the cheaters crash and burn.


Your post is just down right mean. I came here for advice and support, not to be judged.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

karole said:


> Or, perhaps her disgust is because she is thinking of another man rather than her husband. Or, as almost all waywards do, she is rewriting marital history to justify her affairs. Her marriage does not have a chance as long as there is another OM in her marriage. A marriage is not a marriage if 3 people are in it. She needs to stop all contact with the OM, come clean to her husband about all her affairs, and truly commit to working to repair her marriage OR file for divorce.


There is no way in HE## I am going to come clean about my affair. I did that once before and ended up with a black eye. My counselor agrees with me. I am truly trying to work on this. I told my counselor that I want to know what it is about me that is making me look elsewhere. I know I have a problem and I am trying to fix it. And who knows, maybe something miraculous will happen on our vacation or it will just confirm that leaving is the best idea.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedchloe said:


> Your post is just down right mean. I came here for advice and support, not to be judged.


Think of a traitor to ones country and the damage they do. Cheaters are traitors to the people they are supposed to be the most protective of.

Your husband simply made a terrible choice on who to marry.

All cheaters go back in time and find things to justify them selves, its called rewriting history.

BTW, you have a three percent chance of having a lasting relationship with your affair partner.

Do yourself a favor and google infidelity statistics.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If your husband is/was as bad as you say he is, why did you stay with him for 34 years?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I've learned to spot the wayward mindset after reading many thousands of threads. You've got it.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think the point most folks here are trying to say is that you absolutely cannot be fairly concerned about the marriage while still being connected in any way, shape or form with the OM, or even being open to him in any way. So each time that you say, "I am truly trying to work on this." all of us see that as a self-deluded lie that you are trying to convince yourself is truth. Again, You cannot fairly say that while still seeing or even spending time thinking about the OM. It will cloud your judgement, it will cause you to rewrite history, it will cause your focus to drift elsewhere.

I apologize on behalf of those here who are going a little overboard with their crudeness (please try to remember that a lot of folks got here because they discovered they were being cheated on) but I think you also need to accept that you ARE getting good advice here, but you seem to be rejecting it. That advice is to run, not walk, away from the OM, cut him out of your life completely and make it clear to him that he is not permitted to seek you out, and do everything in your power to stop thinking about him altogether. It is only then that your marriage will even have a chance and I don't think you'll find any supporters of adultery here. If you cannot do these things, then your marriage is hopeless and you'll only hurt people even more than they already will be. Those are really the two possible outcomes here. A or B.


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