# Bothered by how little time he spends with his kids from ex-marriage



## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

I've been seeing my current partner for about eight months now & although I love him, I'm increasingly bothered by how little time he wants to give to his kids (8 and 13). It seems to indicate selfishness...but I don't have kids, so it's hard for me to say. He had to move far away from them and his ex-wife (about 8 hours drive) when he was laid off of his job & now is able to see them for the occasional long weekend and during a week or so maybe twice a year. There is no public transportation for his route, so he has to drive and I know it must be exhausting (not to mention expensive) every time he does. When he lived there, his ex-wife also took care of them most of the time, although he says he saw them a lot more.

I know he loves them & can see that they love him, too, from the way they hug him and act around him. He does make an effort to spend quality time with them & to do interesting and fun activities with them that they like. But I've noticed that on those rare week-long visits he tends to schedule in a lot of time for himself. For example, he always seems to leave one or two days of the six or seven he has with them to take a day trip with a good friend of his (he has very few) who still lives there. I know he never gets to see this guy, but still...it seems not quite right to me that he be away one whole day of the week he has with them. The rest of the year his ex-wife takes care of them 24/7 and he gets angry when she comments (and gets angry) about this. Or if one of them wants to do an activity that he's not personally interested in, he often resists participating even though he's only there for a few days a few times a year.

He also seems loathe to talk with them for long on the phone or to call them. Whenever he mentions that they've said they miss him or are having problems, I suggest that he call them every day, even just for a few minutes. But he doesn´t seem to want to do it. He says he'll just be interrupting them with whatever they're doing & that they are fine. Sometimes he does call for a few days straight, but then will stop. And whenever they call, he talks for a few minutes but then sort of encourages them to hang up.

I don't know- is this normal? As I say, I don't have kids so it's hard for me to put his behavior into perspective.

Thanks for your comments!


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## Elise (Sep 8, 2011)

I don't think so. I think it says a lot about his character. His children should be his priority - and they seem to be an after thought. I suppose some people just aren't cut out for parenthood - and thats fine - but he should have thought about this before having children. Again - its just my opinion, but he wouldn't be someone I would consider in the future for myself. I would always be wondering - if he could be this selfish with his children, how would he be after years with me - or if we ever had children?


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## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Thanks for your comments, Elise. Yes I know...I *am starting to wonder what this says about his character. But it's confusing for me because he seems to love them a lot & talks about them and how much he misses them. It's like he loves them but knows he cannot spend too much time with them without a break for himself. And then with regard to the phone, it almost feels like he feels like an intruder in their lives because he's no longer there- like he feels guilty or something and so avoids calling. But then I think, they need you- just get over it & be there for them! To me it doesn't seem like too much to ask to spend 10 minutes a day on the phone with them. He says he never wanted or planned to have children & that his ex-partner (actually, they were never married & didn't have that kind of commitment before she got pregnant) said she had everything under control as far as knowing her cycles etc. and that she wouldn't get pregnant. But he has two kids, so the second time around he should have known what he was doing. Anyway, once they were there he did take full responsibility for them & try to live as a family for several years. He pays their child support faithfully and tries to participate in major decisions with her & to help her whenever there's a problem with one of the kids. But I still feel somehow that he's should be doing more.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I think that some people disconnect a little...my H has 2 accross the country, and I think to cope with not seeing them, he's sort of disconnected a bit. Hard to explain. He loves them, but he certainly isn't pining for them. After all, kids grow up and do their own thing eventually. As long as they know the parent is there for them (maybe not physically, every second of every day), I think it'll be OK...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Wait a minute, I thought you posted that he was spending weekends with them and the mother?? :scratchhead::scratchhead:

You seem very confused.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Wait a minute, I thought you posted that he was spending weekends with them and the mother?? :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> You seem very confused.


Yes, this was an older thread. Checkout all of the posters threads and you will find some weird timestamps on posts. Like two days between complaining about husband of 15 years and then the new BF.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*Start Counseling YESTERDAY.*

I think that the OP needs to be alone and get to know herself better. She clearly has A LOT of emotional issues, which need to be worked out before she can have a healthy relationship.

She is still attached to her ex, while _simultaneously_ resenting the nights her boyfriend spends at his ex wife's house AND thinking that he doesn't spend enough time with his kids.


:crazy::crazy::crazy:


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## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Hello? I am still here. Please talk to me in the first person! 

"She clearly has a LOT of emotional issues, which need to be worked out before she can have a healthy relationship"
Yes, I am confused and am sorting through a lot of emotions right now. That is why I am posting (isn't that why we all post?). 

"She is still attached to her ex"
Yes, I started a new relationship too soon, before my soon-to-be-ex husband and I were able to achieve closure with our divorce. I am well aware of that. And yes, earlier this month I had a night when I was thinking a lot about what a great person my ex is and feeling a bit scared about giving him up, even though deep down I knew that was and is the right thing to do...as I posted elsewhere, those doubts were mainly about my not having actually seen him or talked with him for more than a couple of days since we made the decision to separate earlier this year (very easy to distort reality from a distance). It's true that I love my ex as a person and will always respect him, but for me it is truly over. 

"...while simultaneously resenting the nights her boyfriend spends at his ex wife's house AND thinking that he doesn't spend enough time with his kids."
My first post about this- as I wrote elsewhere- was written at a time when he WAS seeing them very infrequently and I assumed to it be his normal way of being. The long-distance situation is new to him too and he soon afterwards had a major change of heart about this and told me that he needed to spend at least once a month there because his absence was really affecting the children. All of this has been evolving very rapidly both for him and for me. I was and am very happy that he is spending this time with his kids and that he sees that as a priority. That has nothing to do with my confusion over the relationship with his ex (at this point I would call it confusion, not resentment). 

"... two days between complaining about husband of 15 years and then the new BF."

Entropy, do you really think my long post about my relationship with my ex was "complaining"? In my view it was just thinking out loud about the good and the bad and trying to come to terms with our separation.


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