# How to be less controlling etc.



## want2improve (May 15, 2010)

Where to begin with this. I'm sorry in advance because I have a feeling this will be long. I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years now and I know she is the woman I am going to marry. Back in the beginning, like most couples, we never used to fight and were inseparable. It seems that after loosing her only parent left (father died about 7-8 years ago) her mother, things changed drastically. Her mom died younger than she should have due to circumstances I don't want to get in to. It seems after this happened this ended up getting really stressful and obviously difficult for her as she doesn't really have much family left. I know I'm not a perfect person as well, it just seems she is very quick to get angry now and has no in between stages. If I upset her she will not tell me, "babe that hurt my feelings etc", she will just snap and go off on me. I'm getting off subject now sorry. Basically I know I can be controlling. I see it and she also has told me. I think one of the reasons is because due to stresses etc. she has made some bad decisions that have effected us both financially. For example she has failed a few classes that cost us a lot of money and she simply didn't show up to some or just didn't put in the work/effort. She was going through a tough time I know but one of the classes I even arranged myself with the professor to work out a way she could pass and she didn't do it. Things like this I feel have affected me to be a more controlling person when it comes to certain things especially finances. She has also ran up multiple credit accounts with stores and CC's shopping etc. to I think cope with the pain from losing her mother etc.. I know she really needs to see a psychiatrist and I need to make the step to help arrange it for her because she cannot get herself to do it. Things like this has made me more controlling in other areas as well. My grandfather always taught me to do things right the first way and I myself am very good at organizing a situation etc. If I have to clean and tidy up a room I have certain ways of doing it. Garbage out first, clean and put away etc. Sometimes she will start something like cleaning a room that she says she's going to do and ends up making a huge mess instead of doing a part at a time and this causes her so much stress she stops. Meanwhile if I were to give her advice or tell her how I would approach it she starts to tell me I'm controlling etc. She knows she's bad with this stuff at times, including money. So in a wrap up. How do I balance being helpful and not coming off or being controlling? I know for me it's hard to not have things go my way. I know I'm controlling. When something can be done in the most efficient way and she chooses to do otherwise I don't know how to deal with that. Any advice would be helpful. I know this was long so I apologize in advance.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

1.. Dont offer your suggestions of help.. MOST of the time women dont "need" your help. I have found that many times, they just want you to listen and show you care. They ARE smarter than us so stop treating her like you're her father or something.
2. As much as I hate to say it... read The 5 love languages. I know myself that if "she" pisses me off I wont say anything either, why? because I expcet better and am not in the mood to explain why. If you figure out what you'r NOT doing to make her feel loved and supported then you might as well not be there at all. You can do whatever you want to "help" her but if you'r not doing the things she responds to in the way she wants.. you will always miss the mark. 
3. All that stress stuff?.... yep, its a factor, but bigger factor is that after the first couple years when all that infatuation dies away...whats left is reality and normal life. Everyone wants to feel validated and cared for. If you figure that out, and if she does the same for you? You may have a nice life together.

Failed classes, bad decision? BS. Maybe not the best of outcomes but support her trying. Dicsouragment to go after things one wants because of previous lack of success could leave one feeling trapped in a no win situation.
Could be another reason for her anger.
You need IMO, to take some steps back, maybe talk to a counselor yourself or together with her.... dont pretend (yes pretend) that its all her. 


those are my thoughts!
If your sure she is the one for you... then she's worth everything to you, then you'll do what it takes.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You will stop being controlling when you cease to consider yourself superior. Why do you put counseling? It will help you with this question, too.


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