# Separated - he wants me back - ladies have you been through this??



## sunray (May 12, 2013)

In a nut shell- married for thirteen years. Husband has severe anger management issues with violent verbal outbursts as well as power and control issues (with money, isolating me from friends and family). We went to counseling after I said I'm moving out, that happened for about 4 sessions, he stopped going I continued. I moved out and into my folks house with my two kids because it was so toxic and I feared it was going to be dangerous for me to stay. We've been separated for 1.5 years. In a conversation about the kids about a month and a half ago he asked me move back in and that he'd do ANYTHING for that to happen. 

I was firm and said I will never move back unless he addresses his anxiety and anger issues through intensive counseling. He said he would. I'm not moving back in, yet per say. 

Friends and some family have mixed emotions about it. My therapist is not exactly supportive of it. I don't know what to think. He's very controlling and manipulative and I fear going back for that reason but want to TRY and be a happy family with my children. 

Have any of the ladies on this site been here and went through counseling AGAIN? How did it work out? I know everyone is different but I'd like hear some stories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

So he spent the last year and a half doing what...???...obviously not going to IC or therapy for his issues and now he's willing to do so only if you move back in with him....:scratchhead:

Don't do it, you already know it's a bad idea. If he was serious about changing he would have been getting help during this time apart. Instead, he did nothing. What does that tell you???

You don't have to ask strangers for the answer you already know and you don't need any approval to do what's best for you and your children. It's been long enough, time to file for D and get moving on with your life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what if he wants you back. Does he control your life? 

What do YOU want. If you want to take him back without any proof he's changed, go for it but you'll be back here soon with the issues from before.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

He needs to demonstrate that he really means it by going to counselling and showing you, over time, that he's changed. I would say DO NOT move back in together. Date. If, after a year or so he's continuing to go to counselling and he demonstrates that he's really changed by the way he treats you and the kids, then think about it. People can change for little bits of time to get what they want but if they haven't really changed, they can't sustain the new behavior for long.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I attempted marriage counseling with my estranged husband. He went to four sessions and then suddenly had to work "overtime" after the counselor brought up drinking.

My husband never worked overtime. But, being an alcoholic, he lied. A lot. I stuck it out four more years. Hubs went through two rehabs during that time and within weeks was boozing it up again.

After I left, he made no significant effort to quit drinking.

I cut my losses and never returned.

So your husband wants you back? Why do you think he REALLY wants you back? I mean, he's talking about getting counseling. But he's not doing it. Maybe you should tell him you will consider returning after you've seen a solid year of counseling and marked improvement.

I'd be interested to know his response to that.

Do you work? Have you consulted with an attorney to at least discuss a possible divorce?

From where I sit, it sounds like hubs is still trying to manipulate you. After all, if he gets you back into the home he can regain control.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Don't do it. Promise of change means nothing. He needs to change for himself, not for some external goal of getting you back. It doesn't sound like that has happened. It's too dangerous and you'll be exactly back to where you just escaped from.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Yes I agree with firebelly and prodigal.

He probably wants you to move in straight away right? But I feel he would need to prove himself first because somehow I think if you move in straight away (his conditions) that life would slip back into the norm how it was before you left.

Besides - you have been apart for 11/2 years so you are over the gut wrenching 'break-up' part. If you go back, and he treats you the same, i fear you will go through all of this again.

Ask yourself why you want to go back? and also ask yourself how has your life been in the last year and a half?

Please dont let his controlling manipulatetive self tempt you back(this is why you left afterall) because even although you are apart now he is still trying to control you for what he wants and not what you want. Good luck


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would not go back put this behind you its what is best for you your kids and believe it or not for him also.

are you happier without living with him?


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

He stated he's willing to go to counseling. I owe to my family to give it all I have. 

Yes I have job and have spoken to an attorney. 

I would like to hear from women who have gone through this. 

As for speaking to strangers, isn't that what this site is for? 

I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of family. I would like to hear how it faired for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hope my wife will one day be willing to come back. But yeah, has he already changed? If not, I would not.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

sunray said:


> In a nut shell- married for thirteen years. Husband has severe anger management issues with violent verbal outbursts as well as power and control issues (with money, isolating me from friends and family). We went to counseling after I said I'm moving out, that happened for about 4 sessions, he stopped going I continued. I moved out and into my folks house with my two kids because it was so toxic and I feared it was going to be dangerous for me to stay. We've been separated for 1.5 years. In a conversation about the kids about a month and a half ago he asked me move back in and that he'd do ANYTHING for that to happen.
> 
> I was firm and said I will never move back unless he addresses his anxiety and anger issues through intensive counseling. He said he would. I'm not moving back in, yet per say.
> 
> ...


This is my story..... What you said, except.... My H is doing intensive work. It is the ONLY way I let him come back. He is being mentored for hours each week at our church plus professional counseling. He has been doing this for four months which has produced drastic changes. He committed himself to Christ and it shows. Is it perfect, no, but very manageable. If you want to consider it, I would make it heavily conditional. You have children to protect.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Post script... Ask yourself why he wants you back. Is he marking his territory or is it you and your best interests he wants...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sunray said:


> In a nut shell- married for thirteen years. Husband has severe anger management issues with violent verbal outbursts as well as power and control issues (with money, isolating me from friends and family). We went to counseling after I said I'm moving out, that happened for about 4 sessions, he stopped going I continued. I moved out and into my folks house with my two kids because it was so toxic and I feared it was going to be dangerous for me to stay. We've been separated for 1.5 years. In a conversation about the kids about a month and a half ago he asked me move back in and that he'd do ANYTHING for that to happen.
> 
> I was firm and said I will never move back unless he addresses his anxiety and anger issues through intensive counseling. He said he would. I'm not moving back in, yet per say.
> 
> ...


I'd say that he needs to commit, enroll, _and_ begin attending counseling *FIRST*. And, if and when he demonstrates improvement, then -- _and only then_ -- do you _even begin to consider_ going back to him.

After all, and whether you go back to him or not, he needs the counseling for himself and his kids.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

And what kind of stories do you want to hear? The horrific ones where a wife goes back to an anger filled husband and very bad things happen? Or, she goes back and Life is just sunshine and roses because, now, a year and a half later he finally saw the light and sought counseling? 

Your post reads like you've already made up your mind to go back. To regain a semblance of a happy family you all once were. And you miss that, want that so eagerly that you're missing the BIG ASS RED FLAG right in front of your face.

He hasn't changed. And you KNOW that. 

What I'd like to know, is how you and your children's lives have improved over the last year without a manipulator's presence and toxic influence. You say you want to go back to a happy life with the kids, but aren't you living that, right now?

If you want to take the chance that he's different, by all means, move back in. But I think in the end, you'll stay with your parents, raising happy, healthy children.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

sunray said:


> He stated he's willing to go to counseling. ... I would like to hear how it faired for others.


Sunray, my experience is that the outcome of counseling is greatly affected by what it is that is causing his anger issues and lack of emotional control. If it is caused by strong traits of a personality disorder like BPD, narcissism, or sociopathy, the prospects of a successful outcome are extremely low -- because it is rare for such people to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference. Even if you persuade them to remain in therapy, they likely will just play mind games with the therapist.

My exW, for example, has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly sessions for 15 years with six different psychologists and 3 MCs -- all to no avail. Hence, if you suspect that your H may have strong traits of a PD, it would be prudent to see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your two daughters are dealing with.

There is a good chance a psychologist will tell you that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., physical and verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, lack of impulse control (e.g., impulsive spending), temper tantrums, very controlling behavior, rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you, and his always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Whether you H has full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. Simply spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult if you learn what red flags to look for.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read my list of red flags at *18 BPD Warning Signs*. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would recommend you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in *Maybe's Thread*. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Indeed, there are more than two dozen very active TAM members who have much experience with strong BPD traits, including both the abused partners and the BPDers themselves. Take care, Sunray.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

From my experience, people do not change unless they have a reason to. It does not take having been through your particular situation to know how it's going to go. If your husband is serious about your well-being, he will do whatever it takes to resolve his issues before you and the kids move back in. It is highly advisable that he find the tools necessary to change. Not you telling him or showing him what he needs to do, but him recognizing what he needs to work on or finding a therapist who can help him figure that out, so he can become healthy enough to live with his family again.
In the mean time, if he is showing progress, you can let him plan family outings and perhaps dates for the two of you, so he can build relationship and do what is right by his family.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> From my experience, people do not change unless they have a reason to. It does not take having been through your particular situation to know how it's going to go. If your husband is serious about your well-being, he will do whatever it takes to resolve his issues before you and the kids move back in. It is highly advisable that he find the tools necessary to change. Not you telling him or showing him what he needs to do, but him recognizing what he needs to work on or finding a therapist who can help him figure that out, so he can become healthy enough to live with his family again.
> In the mean time, if he is showing progress, you can let him plan family outings and perhaps dates for the two of you, so he can build relationship and do what is right by his family.


Yes I agree. It's been a difficult year and a half. He said he wants his family back and is willing to do anything. I told him that I won't move in until he goes to therapy to address his anxiety and anger issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who responded. No one thinks this will happen to them or they'd not put up it or they'd leave if their spouse did that but when it's happening to you it's hard to recognize and then accept. My faith is my biggest deterrent for getting a divorce but that doesn't mean I won't. I just want to try and be whole.

He knows he has problems with all thats listed. He now knows that I'll move on because in the past I'd be silent about it and just beg for help and he would refuse and that was the end. I'm a different person now and he knows this. 2 years of therapy has done me well but that also doesn't mean that I'm not willing to try and bring my family back together. I'm looking at this as his eye opener and possibly the opportunity for another chance. He has stated that he knows I moved out because of his behavior before he just blamed me for leaving. It took 1.5 years for him to recognize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Abusers rarely change but some do and can with intensive anger management and therapy.

I left my abusive husband after 22 yrs. of marriage. He refused professional help & he is still abusive.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

sunray said:


> Thanks to everyone who responded. No one thinks this will happen to them or they'd not put up it or they'd leave if their spouse did that but when it's happening to you it's hard to recognize and then accept. My faith is my biggest deterrent for getting a divorce but that doesn't mean I won't. I just want to try and be whole.
> 
> He knows he has problems with all thats listed. He now knows that I'll move on because in the past I'd be silent about it and just beg for help and he would refuse and that was the end. I'm a different person now and he knows this. 2 years of therapy has done me well but that also doesn't mean that I'm not willing to try and bring my family back together. I'm looking at this as his eye opener and possibly the opportunity for another chance. He has stated that he knows I moved out because of his behavior before he just blamed me for leaving. It took 1.5 years for him to recognize it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It looks like his eyes may be opening. Now is the time to stand your ground. It could be a ploy to get you back in the home, but it could be him finally beginning to wake up.
Change is a growth process. It takes time. Until he hits a particular stage, he will still not be safe and may even go backwards when he sees that he has what he wants. When he gets to a place where he wants to makeup for what he has done and he sees that you and the kids need healing, he will do what it takes to get himself under control and will be patient in waiting until it truly is safe for you all to be together again.
It's not an emergency. It could take years, but if you are in it for the long haul, you can continue to grow in your own life and move forward until he has grow into a safe and loving husband.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sunray said:


> He stated he's willing to go to counseling. I owe to my family to give it all I have.
> 
> Yes I have job and have spoken to an attorney.
> 
> ...


If he's willing to go to counseling AFTER you move back, he's willing to do it BEFORE. For counseling to work he has to be in it to improve himself which he will do with or without you, including before you move back. 

What you OWE to your family - by "family" I presume you mean children - you OWE them an example of a healthy marriage. Look at your children and see if you would want them to have this marriage - the one you had when you left. Would you want your children to treat a wife/be treated by a husband as you have experienced? 

Your counselor knows your situation better than anyone and they are against it. Other people in your circle of family and friends have serious doubts about it and it's obvious you do, too.

No where do you say you still love him. Only that you feel obligated to get back together. 

I think it would be a big mistake once you look at the totality of the circumstances.

And I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship and after years of begging for him to stop yelling/berating, to get help, etc, I left. He begged for the first month or two saying he'd do anything, go to marriage counseling, etc. if we'd put our family back together. He didn't do anything until he was court ordered to go to anger management class and he hasn't sought any help and instead just blames me for everything still. And I'm glad my daughter didn't grow up thinking that was normal and OK and I'm glad I don't have to worry about what mood he's in when I get home or if I did something the right way or made him angry by expressing an opinion.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sunray said:


> Thanks to everyone who responded. No one thinks this will happen to them or they'd not put up it or they'd leave if their spouse did that but when it's happening to you it's hard to recognize and then accept. My faith is my biggest deterrent for getting a divorce but that doesn't mean I won't. I just want to try and be whole.
> 
> He knows he has problems with all thats listed. He now knows that I'll move on because in the past I'd be silent about it and just beg for help and he would refuse and that was the end. I'm a different person now and he knows this. 2 years of therapy has done me well but that also doesn't mean that I'm not willing to try and bring my family back together. I'm looking at this as his eye opener and possibly the opportunity for another chance. He has stated that he knows I moved out because of his behavior before he just blamed me for leaving. It took 1.5 years for him to recognize it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He isnt going to change. And you will be putting your children though this upheaval yet AGAIN. That isnt fair to them.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> He isnt going to change. And you will be putting your children though this upheaval yet AGAIN. That isnt fair to them.


People do change. I've known lots of people who have changed, some for better and some for worse, but change they have.
Putting the family back into that situation now would not be healthy and would likely fail. However, once change has been observed over a long enough period of time, when he has interacted closely with the family and had at least a year to prove himself, it could work.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sunray said:


> My faith is my biggest deterrent for getting a divorce but that doesn't mean I won't.


I see no reason you should divorce. But it appears you realize you cannot return to him unless he gets serious about dealing with his issues first. Frankly, it doesn't sound like he's been doing anything constructive the past 1.5 years. 

I haven't lived with my husband for almost five years. He's still drunk. Fine by me. There is no financial benefit for me to divorce him. So don't get a divorce.



sunray said:


> *He knows *he has problems with all thats listed. *He now knows* that I'll move on because in the past I'd be silent about it and just beg for help and he would refuse and that was the end. He has stated that *he knows *I moved out because of his behavior before he just blamed me for leaving. It took 1.5 years for him to recognize it.


He knows a great deal, doesn't he? Why the sudden epiphany, after 1.5 years of doing nothing? Didn't he know he needed professional help when you left and didn't return after, say, 6 months?

Hang tough and take a wait-and-see attitude. Just because he realizes the error of his ways does not make him the least bit trustworthy - at this point.

Hopefully, he will be sincere and get the help he needs.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Lots of great points in all of this. You owe your children a safe loving environment. You set that standard and dont budge off of it. Your faith is your greatest asset in this marriage. God calls you to hold him accountable for his behavior. Yet leave your trust in Gods power and faithfulness to work, not your husbands behavior. With that said there is scripture that describes how to proceed. Tell him one on one his harm to you, if he doesnt respond, take a witness so that the record of events may be established and if he still doesn't respond, take it to the church and if he doesnt respond then he is to be assumed a non believer and at that point if he wants out of the marriage you are not bound to stay with an unrepentent nonbeliever who does not want to stay. In my situation, I told him one on one, no response, then my Dad addressed him, no response, I asked him to leave at that point, thats when he took himself to our church and thats when change started to set in. It is possible, but I believe in a certain order to keep the kids safe first. There is NO guilt in your choice of separation. It was the correct choice. If their Dad learns from his error and begins choosing good loving behavior consistently, then there is no greater lesson a child can learn than watching that process. But GO SLOW... Your husband has to be choosing consistent loving behavior and that will take time to establish, in the mean time stay safe with your parents.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband once told me he'd do anything to keep our marriage and family together. What followed was 3 long, hellish, years of False R and a whole lot of no change on his part. I eventually realized that while he'd said he'd do anything, what he'd really meant was that he'd say anything. He'd say anything to keep me, but he wasn't actually willing to do much of anything at all. 

And, yes, after I divorced him and moved he came to me a few more times, asking me to come back. He promised he'd get therapy, we'd do MC again, he'd change - if only I'd come back. So, I told him that if he spent the next 6 months committed to working on himself and making real changes, while not seeing anyone else, we could date again and see where it went. I also told him that I would not agree to move back in or to remarry until we had dated for least 2 years, during which I would need to see continued change and work from him, excellent behavior, no lies, and no return to the "old" him. 

Shockingly, he was in a relationship with another woman within 2 months of that conversation. He has done no IC and made no efforts at all on self-improvement. And I have not heard much more out of him about us getting back together.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband once told me he'd do anything to keep our marriage and family together. What followed was 3 long, hellish, years of False R and a whole lot of no change on his part. I eventually realized that while he'd said he'd do anything, what he'd really meant was that he'd say anything. He'd say anything to keep me, but he wasn't actually willing to do much of anything at all.
> 
> And, yes, after I divorced him and moved he came to me a few more times, asking me to come back. He promised he'd get therapy, we'd do MC again, he'd change - if only I'd come back. So, I told him that if he spent the next 6 months committed to working on himself and making real changes, while not seeing anyone else, we could date again and see where it went. I also told him that I would not agree to move back in or to remarry until we had dated for least 2 years, during which I would need to see continued change and work from him, excellent behavior, no lies, and no return to the "old" him.
> 
> Shockingly, he was in a relationship with another woman within 2 months of that conversation. He has done no IC and made no efforts at all on self-improvement. And I have not heard much more out of him about us getting back together.


YES!! Avoid this by watching his ACTION ONLY! Very important point!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Right. If his actions and words don't match, he is lying. If he is not willing to back up his words with actions, he is lying. It has to be consistent over a long enough period of time.


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