# Is She Stringing Me Along?



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

This is update to earlier posts. Wife left a little over 3 months ago and is living at her mothers 5 minutes away. She never took much out of the house except some clothes and continues to come by the house each day to see the dog and get mail as she pays bills. Everything is status quo from marriage re bills and responsibilities but she is living elsewhere. Wife keeps saying that she has seen amazing changes out of me last 3 months but she needs to see changes are permanent before risk coming home. I am starting not to believe her- should I? Each time it seems I am doing what she wants she keeps making new reasons why she can't come home; ie- new changes she needs to see or new reasons why she can't come home now. Last week, I got so upset I asked her whether she just wants a formal separation agreement-she got angry at me and now says my behavior (such as this) is why she can't come home. I told her I did not mean it but I am just absolutely confused and can't continue on this roller coaster she is creating (which ironically she says I am the one creating!) My frustration originates from her failure to talk about our marriage, refusal to go to counseling and the toll it is beginniong to take on our 11 year old daughter. To make matters more confusing, my wife continually sends emails to me telling me she loves me in addition to telling me the same in person and on phone. recently, she brought me a new running outfit with her college alma mater logo on it- this just blew me away. Am I seriously suppossed to wear a running outfit that reminds me of my wife who recently left me and won't work on the marriage? Please help- Is she playing games and just stringing me along? Am I refusing to see how my own behavior is causing some of the confusion and mixed signals in current situation. Thanks for everyone's input!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Waiting,

I don't know. Maybe you should limit your contact with her. Stop asking when she is coming home. She seems to want to be in charge on that and pushing her on it seems to make her more resistant to the idea. Just try to be nice, continue working on yourself and see where it goes. I know that doesn't get you off the rollercoaster necessarily, but might lessen it if you don't expect anything in return from her.

Just my thoughts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Who is the primary breadwinner? You say she pays the bills. Are you keeping a close eye on your financial assets?

If she is changing the list of problems you have then she is absolutely stringing you along. I have seen people move out - but it is for a very specific reason/set of reasons. They do not change the list after the spouse has fixed the first set. That is unfair and sort of dishonest. 

It truly sounds like she is having an affair. 

Let me get this straight. YOUR problems are so severe she moved out but she refuses to go to marriage counseling. That is a direct contradiction. If she really felt this was mostly/all YOU, she would be confident a third party counselor would side with her and tell you to shape up. I bet she fears that a third party is going to see through her deceit and it will speed up the end of the marriage. 

I feel really sorry for you. She seems to want the paper contract to continue. 

It also sounds like all her emails/texts/words say one thing - love - and her actions say another - NOT LOVE. 









Waiting Patiently said:


> This is update to earlier posts. Wife left a little over 3 months ago and is living at her mothers 5 minutes away. She never took much out of the house except some clothes and continues to come by the house each day to see the dog and get mail as she pays bills. Everything is status quo from marriage re bills and responsibilities but she is living elsewhere. Wife keeps saying that she has seen amazing changes out of me last 3 months but she needs to see changes are permanent before risk coming home. I am starting not to believe her- should I? Each time it seems I am doing what she wants she keeps making new reasons why she can't come home; ie- new changes she needs to see or new reasons why she can't come home now. Last week, I got so upset I asked her whether she just wants a formal separation agreement-she got angry at me and now says my behavior (such as this) is why she can't come home. I told her I did not mean it but I am just absolutely confused and can't continue on this roller coaster she is creating (which ironically she says I am the one creating!) My frustration originates from her failure to talk about our marriage, refusal to go to counseling and the toll it is beginniong to take on our 11 year old daughter. To make matters more confusing, my wife continually sends emails to me telling me she loves me in addition to telling me the same in person and on phone. recently, she brought me a new running outfit with her college alma mater logo on it- this just blew me away. Am I seriously suppossed to wear a running outfit that reminds me of my wife who recently left me and won't work on the marriage? Please help- Is she playing games and just stringing me along? Am I refusing to see how my own behavior is causing some of the confusion and mixed signals in current situation. Thanks for everyone's input!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

From what my wife told me.. Might not be the same but she is tired of giving into what I want when I want it. She said it has to be on my terms or nothing. I don't know but maybe this is something your wife is doing. She wants to see changes but she needs to come back on her terms. Since I stopped trying to tell her/show her I changed and just did it she has gotten closer to me. Still every step of the way she continues to test me. Like last night asking about her changing her hair color. She always felt she had to get my permission..Though that was false.. Still this will take a long time and the improvements need to be permanant.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just curious - did you see this coming? Did she tell you over a extended period of time she was unhappy with the mariage and also tell you why? If so, did you think that was valid? 

I just think the moving target combined with refusal for counseling is often a red flag for an affair. 

You think her mom would cover for her if she was sleeping elsewhere at night? How does her mom feel about you?





Loving Husband said:


> From what my wife told me.. Might not be the same but she is tired of giving into what I want when I want it. She said it has to be on my terms or nothing. I don't know but maybe this is something your wife is doing. She wants to see changes but she needs to come back on her terms. Since I stopped trying to tell her/show her I changed and just did it she has gotten closer to me. Still every step of the way she continues to test me. Like last night asking about her changing her hair color. She always felt she had to get my permission..Though that was false.. Still this will take a long time and the improvements need to be permanant.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

My wife is passive-aggressive and with that ment she always put on this happy face but occasionally would tell me about something she didn't like. To her that was like a major red flag. To me it was just an issue and it would blow by. I think her issues were always valid just didn't know how BIG they were.. 

Not really.. Moving could be space.. When one partner gets this upset they need time. Red Flag of an affair is when thinks start looking fishy. On phone a ot. hiding phone and emails and so on.. 

Her mom loves me. In fact she has backed me up this entire time. When we went through this 5 years ago her mom stepped back and stopped helping her. She thinks her daughter is acting immature. So right now she has taken a back seat cuase she is tired of her daughter going off on her. BTW her mom for the past year and a half has been here 3-5 days a week. She didn't even know we had major problems. Only that I complained about not enough sex and we had fun including her mom in som of the joking around about it. She is pretty liberal.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thank you for everyone's comments. 
MEM- We both have careers and earn substantial amounts and contribute. I never thought of an affair and she told me there is no one else; however, I just recently started to think it has GOT to be something or someone else. I am thinking of an affair now. However, she stays with her mom 5 minutes away and it seems she sleeps there every night-thus, it seems so hard to understand how she could be doing this. Would she not just go get her own apartment and move out of mom's so she can have space to do what she wants when our daughter is not with her? The whole situation is just bizarre. She is becoming more distant to me no matter what I do. Our major issues were arguing with no boundaries-and I agree I was also a big part of problem. However, the weeks and months leading up to her leaving in middle of night, she was asking me constantly whether I was seeing someone from my running group. There is and never has been anyone and I pled to her to believe this. She has always been very insecure in our marriage and I always tried to figure out what I may have been doping to contribute to the way she feels. Another thing, she still is questioning who I am with and what I am doing when our daughter is with her- unbelievable. It's like she is still suggesting I am with someone else or doing something dishonorable even when she is the one who left. The hard part is she refuses to work on the marriage but also does not seem interested in seeing an attorney to move forward- like she is stuck in this purgatory zone. Could it be she wants me to go ahead and file because she wants me to look like the bad guy? She is SO SENSITIVE about the fact she left and does not want anyone to know; she is so upset that our daughter is so angry and upset with her that she calls and emails me constantly what I should be doing to assign blame to myself on the fact she left. I refuse to do this and won't do her dirty work. I am just at a loss. She just emailed me apologizing for her behavior last night regarding accussing me of not parenting well. I think I am going to start to take everyone's advice and just not respond unless it is absolutely necessary anymore. Love is not doing what she is doing- no matter is she says it in response to me in an email or when we see one another. Her actions do not exhibit any love at all-all she does it send the message she wants to keep the status quo intact and does not want to work on the marriage.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

MEM- Just saw your second comment- My wife was in a sever depression in my opinion for over a year before she left; questioned her place in work world (wanted to quit job as director software company and go into Buddhism instruction); unhappy with marriage and place in the world. Accussed me of affairs no matter how many times I reassured and she agreed there was no one else; she says I have not supported her in marriage the way she needed to bring her gifts to the world that God gave her; says that i have not brought out the best in her and if she cannot be with someone who brings out the best in her she would rather be alone (and she says this constantly-I would rather be alone); Thus, the weeks leading up to her leaving were constant fighting because of her accussing me of being with someone else; delusional? paranoid? She is seeing a psychiatrist but I am starting to think that perhaps she may have had a "break." her grandmother was hospitalized years ago for months from a breakdown? Thoughts? I still cannot get out of my mind though now that it seems like someone else is there. The fact she refuses counseling tells me something is very fishy here. Also, she was also so motherly and could not bear to see our daughter in pain; now, she seems like the only person who matters is her and the pain inflicted on myself and daughter don't exist or matter; or she just rationalizes them away as what she needed to do. Something is just telling me that it does not square here- if it was just arguing, fuighting and we needed to restore boundaries, would she not be jumping at my unqualified offer for counseling? Other posts have told me it is very suspicious when a woman refuses to go to counseling with her husband. Thoughts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How does her mother feel about you?

Is it possible you could get her mother to help you persuade your wife to go into counseling? 

It sure seems worth a try because she really sounds messed up - separate from the marriage she just seems like she is in a really bad place. 




Waiting Patiently said:


> MEM- Just saw your second comment- My wife was in a sever depression in my opinion for over a year before she left; questioned her place in work world (wanted to quit job as director software company and go into Buddhism instruction); unhappy with marriage and place in the world. Accussed me of affairs no matter how many times I reassured and she agreed there was no one else; she says I have not supported her in marriage the way she needed to bring her gifts to the world that God gave her; says that i have not brought out the best in her and if she cannot be with someone who brings out the best in her she would rather be alone (and she says this constantly-I would rather be alone); Thus, the weeks leading up to her leaving were constant fighting because of her accussing me of being with someone else; delusional? paranoid? She is seeing a psychiatrist but I am starting to think that perhaps she may have had a "break." her grandmother was hospitalized years ago for months from a breakdown? Thoughts? I still cannot get out of my mind though now that it seems like someone else is there. The fact she refuses counseling tells me something is very fishy here. Also, she was also so motherly and could not bear to see our daughter in pain; now, she seems like the only person who matters is her and the pain inflicted on myself and daughter don't exist or matter; or she just rationalizes them away as what she needed to do. Something is just telling me that it does not square here- if it was just arguing, fuighting and we needed to restore boundaries, would she not be jumping at my unqualified offer for counseling? Other posts have told me it is very suspicious when a woman refuses to go to counseling with her husband. Thoughts?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Her mother is an extremely cold and distant person- she jokes her Scandanavian heritage. I have not spoken a word to her mother since she left- and have not recieved a phone call or email from anyone in her family. Her family is extremely close and they have always taken the position that everyone else are outsiders- even though married into the family. I have been asked to contact her mother but I truly think it will make things worse at this point. I was very close to her family but it seemed to drift in last few years as my wife was depressed and always would confide in her mom how unhappy she was; and ultimately, she has blamed me for all her unhappiness. Perhaps I have nothing to lose at this point but I am certain my wife will look at it as I am trying to "control" and "manipulate" the process by contacting her mother. Additionally, my wife drank ALOT for many years (as does most of her family) and when I approached her mom in confidence several years ago about the same, my mother in law completely disregarded my request to keep my inquiry confidential and told my wife what I had said. Thus. I don't trust her to keep things quiet with discretion. Thoughts? Agree or disagree?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

There might not be anyone else. She is doing exactly what my H is doing. Running away from having to deal with anything. I totally agree with Mem that she is probably afraid of a third party (therapist) calling her out on her issues. I wish I could give you some great advice, but I am still holding on to my marriage after 9 months and still heartbroken.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Believe- I agree with you as do many of my friends and those I confer with- she seems to be running away from something and won't look in the mirror or discuss what it is. How do people pick up and leave marriages after decades without even having the decency or "ability" to look their spouse squarely in the face and at least tell them what it is that made them left and, at least, what they need for support. It is like, in my case, my wife "checked out" of the marriage and life in general and has regressed to being 8 years old living with her mother who is completely taking care of her. I am sorry you have been faithfully hanging on so long without resolution. A friend told me something that makes me feel better about the future if she does not come home: we mourn for the lives and hold the memories of what we had with our spouse from the past on who they were; however, these are different people now in many aspects. We alld eserve something who will love us for who we are; who will want to be with us as partners without wanting to change every aspect of us because we are blamed for the unhappiness our spouses feel; and who will confer with us and communicate what we need, especially when the rough patches in the marriage occur. I have faith God will deliver you where you will have that special someone; whether that be your husband or someone else one day. I feel the same as I wait patiently for my wife to figure herself out.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is the thing that makes it tricky. You can't give control to someone who has 'checked out'. Exactly as you say - she will simply change the goalposts every time to make _you_ look like the reason why she can't get her act together. It's just further evidence of her avoidance.

My recommendation would be to take some control back. You absolutely should limit your contact with her. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it is necessary and it works. She will attempt to blame you for a further deterioration of the relationship - but it's smoke and mirrors. 

Insist on going to marriage counseling, point out consequential action you will take if she refuses. If she doesn't want to save the marriage - then so be it. The two of you will dissolve the marriage. If she does want to save the marriage - working with you is the only way to do it.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey,
This is not useful, kind, responsible beahviour. It is not loving behaviour. Doesn't mean she isn't capable of it - but she's not practicing it now. 
Read actions not words.
It doesn't sound like an affair to me - it sounds like someone who has lost their way.
Sadly you can't afford to g \o down that path with her -
keep on who you are -
you sound so strong and clear
she can only string you along if you let yourself be led...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WP,

I agree with you that her mother will not help. So you have a wife who is:
- depressed, 
- self medicating with alcohol
- blaming you for her problems
- has no interest in counseling

I think you need to write her a letter telling her that without counseling you think the marriage is doomed. And that if she is not willing to go to counseling it is better for you to part ways so you can both move on with your lives. And then don't bend on that. 




Waiting Patiently said:


> Believe- I agree with you as do many of my friends and those I confer with- she seems to be running away from something and won't look in the mirror or discuss what it is. How do people pick up and leave marriages after decades without even having the decency or "ability" to look their spouse squarely in the face and at least tell them what it is that made them left and, at least, what they need for support. It is like, in my case, my wife "checked out" of the marriage and life in general and has regressed to being 8 years old living with her mother who is completely taking care of her. I am sorry you have been faithfully hanging on so long without resolution. A friend told me something that makes me feel better about the future if she does not come home: we mourn for the lives and hold the memories of what we had with our spouse from the past on who they were; however, these are different people now in many aspects. We alld eserve something who will love us for who we are; who will want to be with us as partners without wanting to change every aspect of us because we are blamed for the unhappiness our spouses feel; and who will confer with us and communicate what we need, especially when the rough patches in the marriage occur. I have faith God will deliver you where you will have that special someone; whether that be your husband or someone else one day. I feel the same as I wait patiently for my wife to figure herself out.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

MEM and KNOR:
Thank you for your posts. I agree with both of you- and your comments are square on. Though I may appear ok, the pain is quire significant; though more bearable from a month ago. My anniversary is tomorrow and it appears my wife has elected not to go our and do "anything" together. I simply got her a card which was appropriate for the circumstances and told her i am honoring her need for space and time at the moment. I feel like she has gone to the Twilight Zone- she is neither gone nor here. While my mind wonders are the affair issue, and I guess it still "could" be someone, the general consensus is that it is likely not. her behavior is so odd that it seems she is "lost" as you say and may be that of a mental break. Our 11 year old daughter goes back and forth visiting with us. She tells me mom is not quite right and does not seem herself- kids seem to pick up on just about everything. I have now began to make phone lists of everyone and anyone I know and make contact with them to schedule dinners, time out etc with friends and colleagues whenever our daughter is not staying with me. I am trying to keep the schedule full 2 weeks out so not to be home alone. for anyone in my circumstances, it tends to help with the loneliness of being in the family home surrounded by pictures and meories-all alone. Interesting though- my wife seems to be getting more angry, agitated and irate with me the more I go out and spend time with others, asking where I am and even suggesting I may be out with another woman. Can you believe it? What does everything think is going on? She is getting exactlky what she asked for and now she is angry; angry at who I am with; angry when our daughter and I spend quality fun time together. I can't help but share with everyone how ironic my life has become. I am an attorney who formerly did trial work, including high end divorce work. I made a great deal of money getting involved with other peoples problems early in my career- and left!!!!!!!!!!! I did not like my place in the world and wanted to spend more time with my wife and daughter so went in house as a cop[orate lawyer. My wife was estatic and so happy at the decision "we" made. Incredible how life teaches us so many lessons that we need to draw from later in life. Today, I go to lunch with a local separation and divorce support group- I feel like I am beginning to take my esteem and life back. I fear once I let go, my wife will want to come back. Oh, how the thought of that is painful. Anyone else have thate xperience?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It _is_ highly likely she will be attracted to you getting on with your life - 
my H did...but because he ahdn't actually worked anything out it didn't last...
I WOULD NOT recommend letting this happen if you can avoid it...the 2nd time he left pretty much killed me...as if the 1st time hadn't...
and even though he has been out now again for over 3 months - still angry with me !!!!!!!!! 
you sound like you are taking very practical steps to looking afte yourself and yes avoiding being alone -
if you have a wide circle of friends to draw on that's terrific...
just be wary - it will annoy her...who knows why?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Sorry WP I also just wanted to acknowledge your pain -
you can sound together, practical and strong and still be in incredible pain - 
(I know) 
and as for the ironic situation you find yourself in as regards your career etc...t it must put you in a strange and curiously tricky position,
so much knowledge and yet so much confusion....


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks again for the posts. Yes, I am in a very interesting situation, having formerly been a divorce lawyer. I do know what to avoid so as to not turn our life into a circus and drain every asset in the event my wife does not choose to work on the marriage and come home and this is truly the beginning of the end. I told someone yesterday that my wife seems so distant right now, not caring what is going on unless I am out with others or doing something for myself; its what I am now calling- the unwinding of love. I guess this is how it feels when you slowly start to drift away from someone because no matter what you do, no response or reciprocation is offered. it is interesting, because I am starting to believe that perhaps, we must get a angry, at least a little, to help us to start to move on. I have always had a greatd eal of compassion for my wife through the last 3 and a half months because I know she is in a difficult place; however, as day after day passes, and special days come and come (like today-our anniversary)- with no real acknoledgment from HER part, the frustration and anger our building- that I deserve someone so much more than the woman I now call- my wife! The irony just continues-


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey waiting, sorry about your situation, it sucks I know. I am finally getting my divorce and I feel alot better. Just keep doing what your doing and be the best dad ever, your daughter deserves that. Good luck to ya.


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