# Will the lies ever stop?



## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

My husband lies about everything, but it is never anything that is worth lying about.

He has been seeing various therapists for a year or more, but he never seems to find a way to improve his self-esteem. He has been diagnosed with ADD and depression. He truly does have ADD; he even had the series of brain scans done through the Amen clinic.

His family knows of his struggles and is supportive; we are all trying to help him and have been all along. 

If it makes a difference, we have been married for six months. Before anyone says anything about how I should have known how he was, let me say that before we got married, I knew he had ADD, but he masterfully hid many things from me (not to mention, he was lying to me all along).

*Some of the things he has lied about:*

*1. Lied about still attending college:* He received warnings about academic probation, but essentially ignored them. He didn't attempt to petition the decision, either. For 9 months he pretending to commute to school (an hour away) twice a week. He blamed me for dropping out. 

*2. Lied about having two part-time jobs:* He managed to trick me about having two part-time jobs. He had so many details--he even told me the names of his co-workers and supervisors and talked about them in detail. I only discovered this lie when the paychecks he claimed to deposit never showed up and I confronted him about it.

These two major lies came out about the same time--I don't consider myself a stupid person, but I am a trusting one and I have been busy due to trying to pick up the slack financially. The work lie lasted about a month because it started with lying about the interviews and training, and finally ended when no money appeared. I believed the lie about him going to school because his parents had been paying for it; he left the same time to go to school and always came back at the same time. Further, he even bought some books for the classes he pretended to take.

He is now prescribed with Wellbutrin, Adderall, and Concerta. He is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, both of which he sees weekly.

I truly believe in marriage and giving things my best shot. He has major self-esteem issues; I don't want to be too harsh, but I don't want to hurt myself either. He has made very, very miniscule improvements. He has made a very small amount of improvement, but he still lies about things like money.

*I have been invited to the therapy; should I go with him?* I went once, but didn't go back because (and I know this is selfish of me) I felt that it got my hopes up. I am foolish for thinking that the results will be instant of course.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Go to therapy with him. It's great that he is seeking help. People lie for a wide variety of reasons. It doesn't make it right. My husband used to lie to me because he was afraid of the consequences. Even for small things. The consequences would only be a discussion. But he was having a hard time talking to me. I think quick and respond quick. He needs time to get his thoughts together before responding. It was very frustrating for him to have these conversations so he would lie or lie by omission instead. Go to therapy, hopefully it will help you communicate with him as well.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

Hopeful, you hit the nail on the head regarding his fearing consequences. I have been trying to convince him that the consequences of lying are much worse.

I will go with him to therapy. I am going to try to act more neutral though; this is something that he must learn to control through introspection.

I am worried about my patience, though. I am extremely frustrated. He lied to me again recently regarding money, and this time I accepted it in a defeated kind of way. I was upset, but I felt this great sadness and disappointment.

I feel like every time things improve and I get lulled into a sense of security, things crumble again.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I always hated liars my whole life. Then I married one. Go figure. I always told him the same thing. It will be much worse when I find out you lied. Didn't matter. Bring this up to the counselor. The counselor may have better ways for the two of you to communicate. We went to counseling a long time ago. Been married 14 years. My husband was also diagnosed with adhd as a child. He was also diagnosed dyslexic and went to a special school growing up. Don't sweat the small stuff but make sure he knows no lying no matter what on the big stuff. Good luck.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I too faced sadness and disappointment years ago. When I added it all up his good far out weighed the bad. He hasn't lied to me in quite a long time. (As far as I know)


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

Thank you, Hopefull. You have made me feel much more at ease. 

I am going to stop sweating the small stuff, and try to make him feel comfortable with telling the truth. I will also bring this up with the therapist to try to enhance communication between us.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

I will give it my best try, but I feel like I have strong resentment toward him now. I am hoping that it will go away with time.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Well, you could start responding with a natural consequence to lying. 

People who lie will not be believed. 

Next time he asks you to buy him socks, or a soda at the store, or whatever....bring back something totally different and without sarcasm or anything, hand it to him. 

He will likely say:"I did not ask for this. I asked you to buy XYZ"

To which your reply can be: (NO SARCASM!!)

"Yes, you did. But since you lie to me quite often, I figured that you telling me you wanted XYZ was a lie as well. And since I wasn't sure what you REALLY wanted, I just guessed the best I could. It is hard not to know what you really mean when you say things, since you lie so much "

Might drive the point home. You could also occasionally lie to him very obviously. When he points it out to you, you can say:

"Oh I lied? Yes, I know. I thought that is how you wanted us to talk to each other in this family?"

Again...it might get the idea across.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

bubble said:


> My husband lies about everything, *but it is never anything that is worth lying about.*



I just had to stick my nose in and say that there is *nothing* worth lying about.

Don't treat lying with lying. It will only hurt your character and can become a nasty habit.

Like others I would see about counseling for his Honesty issues. 

I like the idea of trying to make him more comfortable with telling you the hard truths. It might take some time. It is like planting a garden, the more seeds you plant the more crop you will reap. Good luck


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's feedback very much! It makes me feel better to know that others have gone through this and that it can be stopped! I will go into solving this with new confidence.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Nope. 
Either accept or move on. 

Some liars will get better for a time or two, but will always go back to it. Or- they get better at lying so you don't realize they are still doing it.. But, I don't think, even with counseling, they ever "get over that phase".


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Happen to agree with Chelle on that one. Notice I said that I know of. Add up the good and see if you can live with it. To the others two wrongs don't make a right. Your suggestions of lying too are wrong. I'm not a liar and wouldn't be happy with myself if I were. You're just going to give him a reason to say you do it too. Stay above that, bubble.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

I'm a really honest person, actually. I hate lying, I really do.  I think that honesty and personal responsibility are important qualities to have.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

I believe that some people can get over lying, but I think that it depends on why they want to stop and why they started in the first place.

I still distinguish between people that lie to get a "rush" and people that lie out of shame. My husband tends to lie out of embarrassment-the lies are still damaging in many ways-but I feel that if he chooses to, he can overcome the impulse to lie...

I think that the therapy is the key here. I think that it can really help people, if they are willing to work, that is.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

But... down the road, when He's feeling insecure about something (even something insignificant)... he will probably feel that urge to embellish the truth a little, say the story with just a "little more color", so that he looks better in others eyes. All because he's a little insecure.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

I honestly don't think I would mind embellishment or white lies (though I don't prefer it...). I am just hoping that he can improve on his self-esteem. A lot of his insecurity stems from having ADD and learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until his late teens--he spent a lot of his life feeling dumber than everyone else.

If that weren't the reason for all of this, I don't think I'd be as patient, but I do feel that that is a pretty significant hurdle to overcome. I believe that if he wants to, he will overcome it. The questions are: will he commit to this? and will improving his self-esteem curb a majority of the dishonesty?

I sure hope so! I will not play the role of doormat, though.


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## bubble (Jun 6, 2012)

That is a very good point, though, Chelle. Once someone shows that they abuse trust, it is a long road to becoming trustworthy again. He lied to his other family members, too--not just me.

This is a family effort here!


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

bubble,

My husband has the same issues. Before he was diagnosed as a child the nuns would make him where a dunce cap almost everyday. Lying was a coping mechanism he's picked up along the way. As far as I know he hasn't lied to me in a long time. When I need to know something important I explain to him that I will check and he better tell me the truth. I don't check the small stuff though. My husband doesn't tell tall tales he just lies to avoid trouble.

He was worth keeping when I did the math. He's a great father. Any free time he is here with his family. He works very hard for us. He's a loving person, the best I've had in bed and I love him.


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