# Porn has runied my relationship. Do I end it?



## purple_orchid (Nov 23, 2011)

I hope this is the right place, I’m new to online forums. So here goes… 

I’ve been with my bf for 3 years; and up until a year ago I believed he didn’t look at porn, I had no reason to suspect he did and he isn’t one of those naked girl poster/calendar types. I am not naïve, I know all men will have looked at porn at some point in their life, I just thought he had left it behind in his teenage years and single life. I know there are some couples who like to indulge in it together, and women who do not mind it, but I personally am of the opinion that in a loving relationship he shouldn’t be looking at it.

Now I’ll try and keep this simple, I’d say for the first year the sex was great; it was always very much led by me, but I assumed he was shy and to be honest this didn’t really mind me, I am fairly open and imaginative when it comes to sex. Rest assured the missionary position rarely featured in our repertoire. Roughly a year into the relationship I noticed his interest in sex begun to decrease rather suddenly, I found myself routinely being turned down and when we did, all too often he let me please him without offering any foreplay my way before climbing on top where it then became a race for me to try and get some pleasure before he finished and rolled over to sleep. The passion had disappeared and was replaced with 10 minute fumbles in the dark. 

Having a rather high sex drive, once/twice a day would do me just fine, I was getting quite frustrated. I very quickly started to take this rejection personally, I started to feel unwanted, ugly, unattractive and unsexy and my enthusiasm in the bedroom went downhill. For months I tried and tried and initiate things, I’d do delicious dinners with expensive wine almost weekly. Nothing worked. Even my corsets etc didn’t seem to arouse any interest. We went from every day, to once a week, to once a month and eventually once every two months almost. The frustration soon started to get too much and I’d say once a month or so it’d get too much for me and I’d get upset and question him about why he was so disinterested in me. All he offered up by way of explanation was that he was tired.

Then 2 years in (so a year ago) I find porn on my laptop left in an open web browser. Nice. I got incredibly distraught, my instant reaction was disgust. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Suddenly the past year made sense; he was obviously filling his sexual urges with porn whilst he ignored me. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach, I looked at him and all I saw was a pervert. My self-confidence hit rock bottom. I told him exactly how it made me feel and questioned why he was watching it. He tried to explain he just looks at it when he’s bored and it has nothing to do with me and that of course he prefers me. I explained that this still didn’t change how it made me feel. He told me that there was no way he would stop and that it was my problem I felt that way and he shouldn’t give up something he enjoys because I have a problem with it. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe he’d be so selfish.

Fast forward a couple of months and I was consumed by thoughts of him watching porn, I couldn’t leave the house without worrying. Every time I came home I was on the lookout for ‘signs’, I began noticing when the curtains had been shut or even just moved a little to totally cover the window of the room his computer is in. I started checking every tissue in the room, sniffing them to see if he’d used them to clean up, looking through the bin to see if he’d tried to hide them. I couldn’t stand to leave him on the computer on his own when I was home, if he ever shut the study door I’d panic and think up an excuse to go in. I started checking his internet history; I was desperately hoping to never find anything and was crushed when I did. I found myself snapping at him constantly, hating him for what I knew he was doing, my heart would sink when we were watching TV and an advert featuring one of many girls he looked at came on, I feel he’s constantly on the lookout for more girls to look at, partly due to some of his searches, “new girl from transformers film etc”, I even noticed he was trawling through girls albums on Facebook, some that he knew, some that he didn’t, a couple were even friends of mine. I went from a self-confident, trusting, happy and in no way the jealous type to a girl obsessed, my self-esteem was in tatters, I stopped doing things I loved, started staying home much more for fear of leaving him alone, barely seeing my friends, I became so unhappy. Every time he turned me down I became convinced it was because he had been looking at some other women online, sometimes I even knew that was the case. It was killing me inside. I stopped enjoying the rare occasions we did have sex, all I could think about was the women he’d been looking at, and that he’d be wishing I was someone else. I hated him for what he was doing. I couldn’t stand him touching me. Occasionally it would all come flooding out, eventually I admitted to what extent I was aware of it all and exactly how I was feeling. He still refused to stop looking, defiant that it was me with the problem and I had to get over it. After I had made him aware of what tipped me off he became more careful, I stopped finding the tissues, his internet history contained less porn, but I knew he’d said he wouldn’t stop, I knew he was still doing it, he’d learnt to use ‘private browsing’ to hide it from me and the suspicions hurt just as much.

About 4 months ago we had a breakthrough. After numerous arguments, tears and warnings from me that I think its ruining our relationship he agreed to stop. He whole heartedly promised. I in turn agreed that I would have to trust him, no more checking search histories. I believed him and slowly things started to get better, I became more confident, I started to feel attractive to him again, our sex life was still sparse, but it seemed we were both trying to get things going and I felt our relationship was becoming much happier, I stopped snapping at him all the time, and started to be ok to leave him alone in the house. 

Then a month ago I went to use his computer and found the history open, I thought it a bit odd but I ignored it. Then my suspicions got the better of me, he had left the browser open and under the “closed tabs” was numerous pictures of naked women. I lost it, he was out at the time, I left the house and let him know I knew he’d lied. We spoke about it, I threatened to leave because I just can’t take it anymore, he apologised, said it was a one off and promised not to look at porn again. Then a week ago I find out he’s done it again, this time he says he was drunk (he’d had 2 ciders… not much) and he honestly didn’t mean to. But for me that was it, I packed my bags, left and stayed at a friends for 4 nights, I told him he really had to think about things and that I felt our relationship was pretty much over. I came back last night to talk things through, checked his history (I know I shouldn’t) but I found that he had still been looking at porn, on the very same night I’d told him he had to think seriously about our relationship. His excuse. He was bored. He then admitted that he never stopped but did cut down.

So what now? I don’t believe he has a single ounce of respect for me. He was in tears last night, which for him is massive, he never shows any emotion/weakness and appeared very upset over the prospect of me leaving him. But he still says it’s a stupid situation and that im over-reacting and it’s me with the problem. I don’t trust him at all. I don’t know if or how I will ever be able to again. I look at him and all I see is a pervert, I hate him, I don’t want him near me. I just don’t know what to do, leaving him after 3 years is a rather scary prospect and it’s going to be very difficult and expensive.

I know all relationships go through hard times and take a certain amount of work but I really am at a loss here. I could go on for ever about this all really but I think I’ve written plenty already. I’d appreciate any advice on this. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Wow - I could have written this post last year, all the way down to the snooping, not living my own life, checking hankerchefs (mine uses those, not tissues), self esteem in the toilet, etc. Reading this was like reading my own story last year.

I don't know how to tell you to deal with it as I handled it poorly. I quit eating, sleeping, ended up losing a large amount of weight, on sleeping pills and anti-depressants.

What changed it for me...letting go. Easier said than done, I know - but I finally just let it go. Chalked it up to something I didn't understand and made it a non-issue for me.

This in turn had some surprising results. The more I backed off, the less he was interested (in his porn), the more I backed off, he quit "hiding it", the more I backed off brought him closer to me.

Regardless of whether I felt justified or if I was right or wrong, I was turning into a snivelling, suspicious, needy, naggy b$tch about it and that was making him pull farther away from me.

So I began to build myself back up. Started taking better care of myself, lost a lot of weight so I was looking more attractive. Had a tummy tuck, went out and bought myself a new car (by myself), bought nicer clothes - became the person I used to be and not what I had become. This self-reliance and confidence started making me look more attractive to him so he began leaning more towards me, wanting to be with me, around me - the porn was "less" interesting than I became.

And now...I feel loved, cherished and wanted again. Has hubby STOPPED looking at porn - no - but it's not as much and I no longer feel threatened by it - I love me, I know he loves me and he shows it now - so I am comforted that he is my husband and loves me and that the porn are just pics and fantasy - I'm who he sleeps next to each night.

And now my marriage and life are peaceful again.

So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that I've been there. This can be a breaking point for some women and it almost was for me. But I valued my marriage and wanted it to work, so I "put it aside" and worked on me which in turn caused him to work on him.

This may/may not work for you, but I wanted to let you know that I've been there - I know how humiliating it is and how it can destroy your self-confidence and esteem. I really hope you can work through this and get "yourself back." Losing yourself is the worst part of this entire mess and you need to get yourself back before you spiral down where I was.

Good luck! You are more than welcome to PM me if you wish to speak more.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

As a guy who at times as viewed porn extensively here are my thoughts....

I can stop anytime most of why I do it sometimes is my wife refuses sex I''ve always been in a low sex or sexless marriage. I'm currently off porn.

In your case if you are ok with sex AND he still continues porn... I hate to say this HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU SEXUALLY he likes other women.

That will likely NEVER change!

I would recommend that if you can't accept that and his porn viewing...You need to divorce him.

At its height porn addictions is just like a drug addiction. I used to spend hours downloading porn... Spent hundreds of dollars on porn... Watched hours and hours of porn. Thought about rushing home to watch porn.. Got up in the middle of the night to watch porn. It is a sickness. Its a thrill.

I got better once I committed myself to our marriage and put all my efforts into rebuilding my relationship with my wife. I came from me. No one could have convinced me...I had to decide porn was not helping.


here is one more thought install this on all his and your computers....
http://www.internetsafety.com/safe-...software.php?gclid=CPfx2LOSzawCFeZeTAod9ibxrg

Get on with your life...there are tons of guys that won't view any porn if you are willing to have sex frequently...find one of those guys.

Your husband has issues..let him deal with them alone and move on.


One last hope...get him into a sex addiction clinic.There is a slim chance that may work.

In the end though...LOOK IN THE MIRROR...you had a hand in his porn addicition most definately...its not all him.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Marriedwife: Good for you for turning the attention back to yourself, picking yourself up off the floor, and taking care of YOU! You gave purple orchid some excellent advice and hopefully she will come to terms with the "letting go" and begin to love HER life again as well. It's the only way, really. Unless she just wants to part ways and move forward with her life without him.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

So which one of you is it that has an issue?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

If he's forgoing sex with you in favor of masturbation, that's definitely an issue, and one that needs to be addressed. If he's unwilling to do so, you may indeed need to end it. At the same time, though, porn didn't ruin your relationship...your bf's (mis)use of it did. He made the choice, so it's all on him, not on what he viewed to facilitate his neglect of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

As this is a BF - not a husband - you definitely should just leave him behind. You have no obligation to him and this is definitely a deal breaker, so let him have his P*rn and you can find someone else who doesn't have this need.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout;490589In the end though...LOOK IN THE MIRROR...you had a hand in his porn addicition most definately...its not all him.[/QUOTE said:


> This is one of the most ignorant things I have ever read here on TAM not to mention dangerous victim blaming.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> This is one of the most ignorant things I have ever read here on TAM not to mention dangerous victim blaming.


:iagree:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> This is one of the most ignorant things I have ever read here on TAM not to mention dangerous victim blaming.



Ok perhaps i was out of line... sorry.

I thought she was a wife. Which in many cases is partially responsible for their husbands porn viewing habits.

If wives don't give their husbands sex at a desirable frequency or passion and variety level he enjoys.... he is likely to find sex thrills elsewhere including porn.

If GF dump him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok perhaps i was out of line... sorry.
> 
> I thought she was a wife. Which in many cases is partially responsible for their husbands porn viewing habits.
> 
> ...


So what about the wife who is ready and willing for sex whenever with her husband? BUT yet he still chooses porn over her. I think thats what this particular post is about. He is choosing it over her. That doesn't sound like she has had a hand in his love for porn.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I don't agree. I also think it is a little much throwing out the "victim" status card. 

The OP backed her BOYFRIEND into corner and hounds the ever living crap out of him about looking at porn. Maybe he can't help it, but does not want to loose his relationship with her. 

Are we SURE that porn is the only reason the BF isn't into sex with her???? Are we only getting half the story? 

I agree porn can be damaging and detrimental, but it not like he is doing coke off the kitchen table. Often times these little spats are as much about control as "morals".


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok perhaps i was out of line... sorry.
> 
> I thought she was a wife. Which in many cases is partially responsible for their husbands porn viewing habits.
> 
> ...


First you tell this woman that she must be ugly and that's why he wants porn and now you say that because (in your mind) she isn't screwing him enough, he turned to something else. She isn't responsible for anything he does of his own free will. HE is responsible for that.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

trey69 said:


> So what about the wife who is ready and willing for sex whenever with her husband? BUT yet he still chooses porn over her. I think thats what this particular post is about. He is choosing it over her. That doesn't sound like she has had a hand in his love for porn.


Already covered that in the first post...DUMP HIM!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Unless your husband has been diagnosed with a porn addiction/sex addiction, then him choosing it over you is just that, a choice. 

So you now have a choice as well. Especially if you have told him how you feel and its falling on deaf ears. You have the choice to stay in hopes it changes (it may or may not) or you can choose to move on.

Sorry just saw this is your BF you are referring to. If you have no real ties to him, cut your loses now. Save yourself from more hurt and pain. Tell him you hope him the computer screen have a nice life together.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> First you tell this woman that she must be ugly and that's why he wants porn and now you say that because (in your mind) she isn't screwing him enough, he turned to something else. She isn't responsible for anything he does of his own free will. HE is responsible for that.


Whao there nelly,

I NEVER said she was ugly..I just said obviously he's not into her sexually especially if she is willing to ave frequent sex.

I already retracted my statement on it being her fault... I mistook her for a wife in a committed sexual relationship bound by a vow to love her husband.

Its not her fault at all... they both can have sex as much or little as they want. no commitment at all.

DUMP HIM.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Whao there nelly,
> 
> I NEVER said she was ugly..I just said obviously he's not into her sexually especially if she is willing.
> 
> ...


So if she was married to him, it would be her fault but since she is not it isn't? Ridiculous. He makes a choice, marital status doesn't matter.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So if she was married to him, it would be her fault but since she is not it isn't? Ridiculous. He makes a choice, marital status doesn't matter.


I was thinking the same thing.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So if she was married to him, it would be her fault but since she is not it isn't? Ridiculous. He makes a choice, marital status doesn't matter.


It does matter... a marraige has an undeniable sexual commitment and when a wife doesn't allow sex... what is a guy to do?

Porn is better than going crazy, divorcing her, cheating on her, beating her. 

Marriage does make it 100% different. There is no substitute for sex with your wife you have vows with.

So if the wife refuses sex YOU CAN BET she had a hand in any porn going on with her husband.

Sexually satisfied husbands have no use for porn.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> It does matter... a marraige has an undeniable sexual commitment and when a wife doesn't allow sex... what is a guy to do?
> 
> Porn is better than going crazy, divorcing her, cheating on her, beating her.
> 
> ...


And SOMETIMES the man had a hand in WHY the woman has refused sex. Woe is me, vicious cycle it would seem, so yeah call it quits. 

Most women don't just up and quit sex unless there is a reason behind it. Communication is probs way better than choosing porn. If neither wants to communicate and work on things, yeah split.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> And SOMETIMES the man had a hand in WHY the woman has refused sex. Woe is me, vicious cycle it would seem, so yeah call it quits.
> 
> Most women don't just up and quit sex unless there is a reason behind it. Communication is probs way better than choosing porn. If neither wants to communicate and work on things, yeah split.


Agree its a two-way street. Communication is the key.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> It does matter... a marraige has an undeniable sexual commitment and when a wife doesn't allow sex... what is a guy to do?
> 
> Porn is better than going crazy, divorcing her, cheating on her, beating her.
> 
> ...


Please show me where she said she didn't want sex. Sexually satisfied husbands have no use for porn? Uh, there are many men here who say they are perfectly happy and still use porn. In fact, it has been touted here since the dawn of time that porn is a "need" for all men and women just need to deal with it. So yeah, stop blaming her. He choses this as does any other man who sidelines his partner.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Please show me where she said she didn't want sex. Sexually satisfied husbands have no use for porn? Uh, there are many men here who say they are perfectly happy and still use porn. In fact, it has been touted here since the dawn of time that porn is a "need" for all men and women just need to deal with it. So yeah, stop blaming her. He choses this as does any other man who sidelines his partner.


Will you stop and read my first post... I told her it was his fault.

The rest pertains to married women.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I took on this battle for 6 months and i finally gave up and prepared myself to walk away from my husband (together 12 years, married 2 years) and we have a kid together. I tried to have sex with him everyday and got rejected a lot always with an excue but those same excuses like being tired didn't stop him from pouring all his time and energy into porn. We maybe had sex once a week but he was masturbating 4+x a day. It got to the point where he told me he wouldn't even get an erection to have sex with me without viewing porn first. He might as well have slapped me in the face when he said that. At that point i never wanted him to touch me again. It was emotionally gut wrenching but I knew I couldn't continue in that life. For months i always got the same response when i would bring up the problem of porn, "its no big deal it just porn", or "you're over reacting nothing is wrong" i started to feel crazy like maybe i was over reacting and something was wrong with me. Î told him of my plans to leave he could have his porn I was done and shortly after he admitted he had a problem with porn/masturbating. We decided to try and work things out and so far he hasn't looked at porn since April. 

Until your bf can admit it is a problem then there is nothing that can be done. To me in a committed relationship what is a problem for one is a problem for both and needs to be discussed without making the other person feel crazy/ashamed.

You may just have to walk away.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

square1 said:


> I took on this battle for 6 months and i finally gave up and prepared myself to walk away from my husband (together 12 years, married 2 years) and we have a kid together. I tried to have sex with him everyday and got rejected a lot always with an excue but those same excuses like being tired didn't stop him from pouring all his time and energy into porn. We maybe had sex once a week but he was masturbating 4+x a day. It got to the point where he told me he wouldn't even get an erection to have sex with me without viewing porn first. He might as well have slapped me in the face when he said that. At that point i never wanted him to touch me again. It was emotionally gut wrenching but I knew I couldn't continue in that life. For months i always got the same response when i would bring up the problem of porn, "its no big deal it just porn", or "you're over reacting nothing is wrong" i started to feel crazy like maybe i was over reacting and something was wrong with me. Î told him of my plans to leave he could have his porn I was done and shortly after he admitted he had a problem with porn/masturbating. We decided to try and work things out and so far he hasn't looked at porn since April.
> 
> Until your bf can admit it is a problem then there is nothing that can be done. To me in a committed relationship what is a problem for one is a problem for both and needs to be discussed without making the other person feel crazy/ashamed.
> 
> You may just have to walk away.


Awesome story square1.... For many guys porn can be turned off like a light switch... just like in females emotions can be turned off like a light switch.

What it takes is a big fat REALITY CHECK or an AWAKENING.

Mine was an AWAKENING that porn was not good and I was dishonoring my marriage it probably was a part of my wife's disconnect although I hid it very well, she caught me one time 15 years ago. She never asked or suspected as far as I can tell but I did put a doubt in her mind. So even in the middle of a sexless marriage I decided porn was wrong... I WISH it never existed. 

Men can change... I NEVER viewed porn to harm my wife in fact I would have much rather had sex with her than view porn.


It was MOSTLY my fault but my wife did not do much to help since we have always had either a low sex or sexless marriage.

I had to reach in deep to stop... so there is hope.

Porn is an empty release.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Locard said:


> I don't agree. I also think it is a little much throwing out the "victim" status card.
> 
> The OP backed her BOYFRIEND into corner and hounds the ever living crap out of him about looking at porn. Maybe he can't help it, but does not want to loose his relationship with her.
> 
> ...


I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Awesome story square1.... For many guys porn can be turned off like a light switch... just like in females emotions can be turned off like a light switch.
> 
> What it takes is a big fat REALITY CHECK or an AWAKENING.
> 
> ...



I don't think men look at porn with the intention of causing harm to their wives/relationship. But it can quickly lead to that because of many factors as for you it was a sexless marriage that lead to porn for my husband he told me it was just stress and he felt he didn't want to burden me with it like what was happening at work and feeling any negative emotions so he used porn as his release instead of communicating with me. It was a quick chemical fix to make him feel happy. Problem was it lead to me not being happy and a lot of arguing which probably at first pushed him deeper into the porn to combat anything negative that was said. 

For my husband since he was so used to getting that quick fix it is a constant battle for him not to turn right back to it but we have gotten better with our communication and he comes to me or even will call me on the phone and tell me he is having a hard time and feels the urge and just needs to talk. I have learned to listen without passing judgement or making him feel ashamed for what has happened. I tell him how proud and appreciative I am for what he has done for me and our relationship cause if he had choose to continue we wouldn't be together today. 

Men and women can change but they need to want it. You can't force someone into it. It just won't work that way.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Locard said:


> I don't agree. I also think it is a little much throwing out the "victim" status card.
> 
> The OP backed her BOYFRIEND into corner and hounds the ever living crap out of him about looking at porn. Maybe he can't help it, but does not want to loose his relationship with her.
> 
> ...


Hounds the living crap out of him? He doesn't have sex with her and uses porn instead. Both him and his laptop would be in the trash if it were me.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

All men are pigs all the time!!!! No excuses!!!!!!
Men are never entitled to have issues!!!! Pigpile!!!!!!!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I think people need to realize that Porn, like alcohol, food, whatever, can run the spectrum from inoccuous to an addiction. 

Watching porn and whacking off 4 times a day is a problem. 

To the OP, I would get out. Whether or not the porn is the underlying issue here is up for debate with only 1/2 the story, but it is not working for you.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Locard said:


> All men are pigs all the time!!!! No excuses!!!!!!
> Men are never entitled to have issues!!!! Pigpile!!!!!!!


Simmer down, Beavis. Nobody is saying that. Re-read the OP's post. SHE has been cast aside for porn and has every right to be hurt and wanting out of her relationship.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I'm quite calm. I stand by post in response to the attempted smack down of a poster who dared challenge a woman that maybe she is part of the reason her man looks at porn. Typical man/pig/ porn attack. 

I also said she should get out.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Locard said:


> I'm quite calm. I stand by post in response to the attempted smack down of a poster who dared challenge a woman that maybe she is part of the reason her man looks at porn. Typical man/pig/ porn attack.
> 
> I also said she should get out.


He's cheating on the relationship. If you want to blame her for his actions, then by all means do so. I refuse to blame someone else for a grown man's behavior. I blame the person making the bad choices.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Trying2figureitout
I do not get how you can blame her, for his porn problem if she was his wife. 

I am a wife and I went through the same damn thing with my husband.. I want sex all the time. He is the one with the problem not her. Doesn't matter if she is married to him or not.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

purple_orchid said:


> I hope this is the right place, I’m new to online forums. So here goes…
> 
> I’ve been with my bf for 3 years; and up until a year ago I believed he didn’t look at porn, I had no reason to suspect he did and he isn’t one of those naked girl poster/calendar types. I am not naïve, I know all men will have looked at porn at some point in their life, I just thought he had left it behind in his teenage years and single life. I know there are some couples who like to indulge in it together, and women who do not mind it, but I personally am of the opinion that in a loving relationship he shouldn’t be looking at it.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you are going through this mess. 

You are not over reacting in my opinion. I was where you are a short while ago. I know exactly what you are feeling. 

If he won't stop you need a make a choice, if you can or can not live that way..


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Trying2figureitout
> I do not get how you can blame her, for his porn problem if she was his wife.
> 
> I am a wife and I went through the same damn thing with my husband.. I want sex all the time. He is the one with the problem not her. Doesn't matter if she is married to him or not.


I only blame wives WHEN their allowing of sex is LESS than the husbands minimum desire level THEN it can lead to use of porn MORE SO when the sex is not passionate DOES NOT have variety AND does not include the acts that every male sees in porn.

Thats when wives can be partially responsible for porn use. My wife hit all those points!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Purple orchid,

Its so hard to try to take a careful approach to this after reading your post because it is such a heartbreaking situation. I'm sorry. In the end, its a matter of trust. He destroyed it after promising you that he quit the porn. You do deserve better. Much better. As a man, if it matters, your vision of a close, intimate relationship that you describe in the OP should inspire any man to reach inside and put his best foot forward everyday. Obviously, he doesn't get it. Just my opinion.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I only blame wives WHEN their allowing of sex is LESS than the husbands minimum desire level THEN it can lead to use of porn MORE SO when the sex is not passionate DOES NOT have variety AND does not include the acts that every male sees in porn.
> 
> Thats when wives can be partially responsible for porn use. My wife hit all those points!


So if a wife doesn't do everything seen in porn he has the right to abandon his wife in favor of porn? I have seen plenty and no, I won't do much of it. Curious if you would say the same in reverse? Do you last as long as the men in porn and if not, why shouldn't your wife abandon you in favor of entertainment that fulfills her need for longevity? 
Nobody is responsible for anybody elses behavior. The individual is.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So if a wife doesn't do everything seen in porn he has the right to abandon his wife in favor of porn? I have seen plenty and no, I won't do much of it. Curious if you would say the same in reverse? Do you last as long as the men in porn and if not, why shouldn't your wife abandon you in favor of entertainment that fulfills her need for longevity?
> Nobody is responsible for anybody elses behavior. The individual is.


Touche

No I don't wish I did but for me when its go time its go time... kinda hard when its so long between tries.

Let me modify that a bit.... I agree not all acts need to be done but it makes it more likely a guy might want to see it in porn. As for regularity and frequency I do believe that is a big factor in married porn use. Guys need sex and when they don't get it their options get slim... porn is one of the more fun ones.

As for a wife... wanting longevity... well that's physical cheating so its a little different than visual porn


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Touche
> 
> No I don't wish I did but for me when its go time its go time... kinda hard when its so long between tries.
> 
> ...


If you are comparing porn to real life relationships you are heading for disaster. I agree with regularity and frequency. The OP has literally been tossed aside in favor of porn and SHE was the person who said she wanted different than vanilla sex.

I didn't say physical cheating, I used your example that if a spouse doesn't perform what is seen in porn, it is valid for them to be tossed aside in favor of porn. That's why I asked if you don't measure up to the men in porn, would your wife be right in denying you sex because of it?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> If you are comparing porn to real life relationships you are heading for disaster. I agree with regularity and frequency. The OP has literally been tossed aside in favor of porn and SHE was the person who said she wanted different than vanilla sex.
> 
> I didn't say physical cheating, I used your example that if a spouse doesn't perform what is seen in porn, it is valid for them to be tossed aside in favor of porn. That's why I asked if you don't measure up to the men in porn, would your wife be right in denying you sex because of it?


Maybe that's why shes doing it LOL.

The difference is that a man can still satisfy a woman sexually even if they don't last as long as in porn.

Whereas the wife that refuses sex... refuses a marriage commitment to the gender that places a MUCH higher value on sexual gratification. Forces the man into finding other outlets.

So there is more justification for the man to seek relief..


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So if a wife doesn't do everything seen in porn he has the right to abandon his wife in favor of porn?
> 
> I have seen plenty and no, I won't do much of it. Curious if you would say the same in reverse?


Women do this emotionally to the men by putting most of their emotional output into Facebook (sometimes bordering on addiction), their friends/activities, and/or through their kids. The man can feel just as abandoned as the woman if you have a situation where the woman is using these things as an escape of some sort, where almost all her energy is focused on these things instead of him. Replace porn with the above activities and you have the same dynamic at work.



Therealbrighteyes said:


> If you are *comparing porn to real life relationships* you are heading for disaster. I agree with regularity and frequency. The OP has literally been tossed aside in favor of porn and SHE was the person who said she wanted different than vanilla sex.
> 
> I didn't say physical cheating, I used your example that if a spouse doesn't perform what is seen in porn, it is valid for them to be tossed aside in favor of porn. That's why I asked if you don't measure up to the men in porn, would your wife be right in denying you sex because of it?


I fail to understand men who, if they are attracted to their spouse and in an otherwise healthy relationship, would not want to have sex with their SO. Do...not...get. Something else is going on to cause such addiction to pron and detachment from real sex.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Maybe that's why shes doing it LOL.
> 
> The difference is that a man can still satisfy a woman sexually even if they don't last as long as in porn


I know some women who would disagree with this. If the guy is a 2 pump chump chances are a woman may end up sexually frustrated.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Maybe that's why shes doing it LOL.
> 
> The difference is that a man can still satisfy a woman sexually even if they don't last as long as in porn.
> 
> ...


HE is the one refusing her and their marriage commitment and yet you tell her that because she doesn't do everything in porn, he is justified in doing so. Do you even read what you write?


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I didn't say physical cheating, I used your example that if a spouse doesn't perform what is seen in porn, it is valid for them to be tossed aside in favor of porn. That's why I asked if you don't measure up to the men in porn, would your wife be right in denying you sex because of it?


Porn is a visual aid. It's fantasy. He can do things with porn that he would never think of doing to his wife out of, you know, respect for her? Particularly if he knows she wouldn't be into some of his fantasies. If porn didn't exist, he would have to rely on his imagination, or worse, cheat in order to satisfy some urge. Not justifying any of this type of behavior. Some guys do take it way too far, though.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> HE is the one refusing her and their marriage commitment and yet you tell her that because she doesn't do everything in porn, he is justified in doing so. Do you even read what you write?


For the last time...I thought she was married to him

I retracted that once I found out she is not married...told her to dump him.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

purple_orchid said:


> I don’t trust him at all. I don’t know if or how I will ever be able to again. I look at him and all I see is a pervert, I hate him, I don’t want him near me. I just don’t know what to do, *leaving him after 3 years is a rather scary prospect and it’s going to be very difficult and expensive.*


He's just a boyfriend but it seems like they are cohabiting and maybe should be treated similar to a husband/wife situation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mr.rightaway said:


> Porn is a visual aid. It's fantasy. He can do things with porn that he would never think of doing to his wife out of, you know, respect for her? Particularly if he knows she wouldn't be into some of his fantasies. If porn didn't exist, he would have to rely on his imagination, or worse, cheat in order to satisfy some urge. Not justifying any of this type of behavior. Some guys do take it way too far, though.


but in the OP's case, she is freaky  and she offers sex and is turned down.

When porn becomes more important than the relationship, it's a problem. he may be watching porn to 'respect' his woman, but wtf? By withholding sex, there's no respect there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Orchid, it is scary. It is a huge "what if" but it can work.

I moved out after 2 years with my older daughter's father (cause our relationship was a sham) and it was hard but it was so very liberating. We weren't married. I didn't want anything! Just my shet, our kid's shet and the dining table (that was a gift to me from him) lol


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> but in the OP's case, she is freaky  and she offers sex and is turned down.
> 
> When porn becomes more important than the relationship, it's a problem. he may be watching porn to 'respect' his woman, but wtf? By withholding sex, there's no respect there.


As I said earlier, I don't get men who don't want to have sex with their women in an otherwise healthy relationship. I don't think porn is the problem. I think he just might not be interested in maintaining the relationship (wants out) but is bound to her by something, perhaps a financial aspect, as she says it will be difficult and expensive to breakup. So maybe they're both stuck.

Hard to really go off that one post but he sounds like a bit of a d-bag, and she is a bit obsessive over the porn issue. Sniffing tissue to see if he was looking at porn? Really?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

purple orchid,

You seem to be pretty open to sex with him, you seem open to be rather creative.

When he does have sex, how does he measure up to you in the bedroom?

Is it possible that he fears that he cannot measure up, cannot please you, cannot compete with your awesomeness? :whip:

He may be taking out his fantasies with the porn because he can pretend he is the stud he is watching, he can pretend that he is doing the pleasing to the women, that he fears he cannot do to please you? Is it possible that he is embarresed, humiliated, and just plain afraid that you might put him down for his lacK of performance?

It's a longshot, but an absolute possibility?

So the question remains, how is he in the sack? Have you or a woman in his past (that you know of) ever made him feel less than a man?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

When people show you who they are, believe them. He is showing you. For whatever reason he prefers a screen over a real human body, period. 

You're not married and I'm assuming no ties as far as kids or financial issues. If not, cut your ties. There are plenty of other people out there in the world who are able to give you what you need emotionally/physically and who can be there for you and with you. You're both on different pages on the whole issue. He is not the one for you.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Sexually satisfied husbands have no use for porn.


This thread was so long i was not going to respond. This I disagree with, a lot of couples view porn when their spouse is away, unavailable etc, and still have a rockin sex life. Yea that would be me.

Moving on. As someone who 100% supports porn viewing I agree with the OP. It fine when it does not effect your sex life, but once a person turns to the porn instead of their spouse it is a huge issue. If your boyfriend only has sex with you a few times a month and views porn every day to satisfy only himself there is really something wrong here.

So the question is, is he addicted to porn and thus not in the mood? or is their some reason he is not attracted to you anymore? The answer would make all the difference in moving forward.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So if a wife doesn't do everything seen in porn he has the right to abandon his wife in favor of porn? I have seen plenty and no, I won't do much of it. Curious if you would say the same in reverse? Do you last as long as the men in porn and if not, why shouldn't your wife abandon you in favor of entertainment that fulfills her need for longevity?
> Nobody is responsible for anybody elses behavior. The individual is.


:iagree:

I would not agree to a gang bang, bringing someone else in...etc. even if my husband wanted it. Hell no, gotta draw the line somewhere. Anything else, well that is a totally different story


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

RDJ said:


> purple orchid,
> 
> You seem to be pretty open to sex with him, you seem open to be rather creative.
> 
> ...


RDJ has a point.

The issue with my husband was that he has ED and told me that "he didn't want to start anything he couldn't finish", (his words) so he instead, neglected me. But the damage has already been done...

I am just saying that maybe there is something he is to embarrassed to talk to you about. Either that he is just a selfish a-hole..

It took me almost walking out on him.. (I had some of my stuff packed) To get my husband to stop.. I don't think I will be able to trust him again, if I can't then what is the point of being with him. If i find that crap again, I am done for good.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I only blame wives WHEN their allowing of sex is LESS than the husbands minimum desire level THEN it can lead to use of porn MORE SO when the sex is not passionate DOES NOT have variety AND does not include the acts that every male sees in porn.
> 
> Thats when wives can be partially responsible for porn use. My wife hit all those points!


Gotcha... However just because my h saw it in a porn movie doesn't mean I should have to act it out, just to make him happy.. the road works both ways, ya know.


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## purple_orchid (Nov 23, 2011)

Wow, thank you so much for all your responses.

First of all, I understand what some of you are saying in that men looking at porn can be due to their partners not satisfying them sexually and yes you are getting only half the story but I’m quite an honest person and please believe me when I say I’m not falsely making myself out to be the victim here. 

Since the day we first met I have always been much more imaginative in bed than him, I’ve always been perfectly happy to try new things and have always asked him what he wants, let’s just say he’s a very simple man in bed, his only answer when asked what fantasies he has is to do anything I want and to please me. At best I managed to find out he likes me wearing my heels in my bed but what guy doesn’t? I’ve tried A LOT of different things, dress up, toys, dominating etc and I’ve told him my fantasies, he has all of this available to him and he will mostly say no. There have been times when; if I didn’t know he looked at women online I’d question if he was even straight. I’ve given him free reign to explore things and he just doesn’t seem that interested. Hell there have been a couple of occasions where I dressed up and surprised him (the old turn up at the door naked but for a coat etc) and he’s turned it down. One time that sticks in my mind particularly I got all dressed up, brand new underwear, suspenders, stockings, heels. Went downstairs to him, not only did he not react whatsoever; he asked if he could watch the rest of his TV programme. I sat next to him for over half an hour until I felt so humiliated I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh over the whole situation. Obviously since he started turning me down I have become much less like this, not for lack of wanting but because; and I hope you can understand, being turned down so much really starts to chip away at your confidence. And for anyone wondering I’m not ugly, I’m a size 10/12, I look after myself, work out and eat well. 

I have to say I was always aware, especially at the start that I had clearly had more experience and appeared more open than him. With this is in mind I have always tried to make him comfortable, subtly encouraging him when he’s doing something right. And he is able to please me, and in that first year it was brilliant and I made sure he knew that, I’m not a quiet one let’s put it that way. At the same time he never shied away from sex and he appears happy to try out anything. But then I ask him what his fantasies are and he just says he doesn’t have any, or the old oh just corset/stockings/heels. Hardly imaginative. Who knows maybe he’s into something really dark, but to be honest, given how open I am I can’t imagine just how ‘dark’ it would have to be for him not to be able to tell me.

Also yes maybe I hounded him into a corner, but most of what I described, the suspicions etc I kept inside, it wasn’t like I was making a huge deal of it every day, I’d spend weeks, months with it all winding me up inside, I’d say in the year after I found out I only really ever spoke to him about it 4 times max. It was more a case of I let it eat me away until I eventually broke down, tell him exactly how it was making me feel and listen to him tell me it’s my problem not his and almost childishly refusing to stop doing something he enjoys just because I am hurt by it. I suppose I can see his point, but isn’t a relationship about compromise? And is porn really THAT important he’d rather keep watching it at detriment to our relationship? I mean I no longer put mushrooms or parmesan in cooking because he hates them despite loving them myself.

I think a big problem for us is that he finds it impossible to talk. Even the night before last, when I was saying how I honestly couldn’t see how we could move on from this, how I felt he had destroyed my trust for him and how I’d been left feeling disgusted by him and my self-esteem in tatters. What did he say? Nothing. He literally sat there and didn’t say a word. I asked what he thought; he said he didn’t know, I asked if he had anything to say, he said no, I asked if he could explain why he looks at it, he wouldn’t reply. The closest I got to a reply was that it was all a mess in his head and it wouldn’t make sense. I probed this, tried to get him to open up. Nada. When he eventually broke down in tears even then he got up, walked out the room and sat downstairs for 5 minutes before returning. I was there, in constant tears, opening myself up entirely to him, and he couldn’t even let himself cry in front of me. He did say that it was a ‘stupid’ situation and that he loved and cared for me. But that was it. He said we should go to sleep, turned off the light and that was that. And it’s always been like this, any problem we have he never wants to talk about it, whenever I am upset he never asks why, he just tries to change the subject. He seems very uncomfortable with emotions and expressing them. I’ve asked if there’s any reason, asked if he’s been hurt before by someone, bullied, you name it, he just says no, he’s always been that way.

No we’re not married but we are still in a committed relationship. I have invested a lot into the relationship and much like a marriage I think with there is still an element of having to work at things from both sides. I know I could just walk away, maybe I should have already, but just because I don’t have to go through a divorce does that mean I should give up more easily? We’ve lived together for over a year, and despite everything that is happening currently, I still believe there is something there. Or maybe it’s just the reality of walking away is too hard for me right now, I’m not sure. And it’s not that we’re stuck together for financial reasons, we could both afford to live separately, It would be a lot of upheaval though. Maybe its convenience keeping us together.

I really don’t know anymore, we used to be so happy and in some ways, without wanting to sound submissive I would try anything to get that before I give up and walk away. But I’m starting to doubt that’s the right approach? Speaking to friends, reading your posts, even writing this all out has left me wondering if he actually deserves me. Why should I put the effort in if he won’t? But I do care for him a lot. He gave up his chance at a career to be with me, and I did give him the opportunity not to, way back at the beginning, 2 months in, aware of where he was heading (in a years’ time) I told him that I couldn’t handle it and that we should end it there and then if he was serious about pursuing his career. I know it sounds like an ultimatum but that wasn’t how it was, we were 2 months into the relationship, barely out of the ‘seeing each other period’ and I was just being honest, it would have been easy for both of us to walk away at that point. Maybe I feel indebted to him because of the sacrifice he made for me?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Thanks for the update. I think one of the reasons everyone here has more or less told you to move on is that the R does not appear to be working. 

You have to ask youself if your relationship is this broken, and there are no marriage vows binding you two together......why stay? You really love him, fear of not finding someone else? 

The problem is after marraige things don't get easier, they get harder. You could use this time to find someone better for you. Maybe he is the one, but one thing is certain, you can't "fix" someone else.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks for the update...

My advice if you want to save (or end) this relationship... This may work.

You absolutely need to find out why he uses porn what drives his use. You absolutely need to clearly explain your needs to stay in this relationship. 

Don't make any ultimatum to him about porn because that needs to come from him to stop. You will never make him stop unless he wants to stop. By conveying your needs and finding out why he uses porn that gets you a good base to make a final decision about YOUR future with or without him.

While going through this "try" to have an open mind about porn.. some couples view it together. I'm not telling you to accept it... just keep an open mind during this process.

So I would make it a priority to get those two items taken care of before you make any decisions. I know your husband is not one to communicate. What I might suggest is ask him to have an e-mail correspondence with you to help you make a final decision about the relationship... that if he doesn't and to you will definitively leave. Tell him this is the last effort from you...the last straw.

Now... E-mail is less threatening. just look at these forums how free we are to discuss our most inner thoughts. He might be able to open up in e-mail (Get two gmail accounts they are free). In the e-mail exchange don't be judgmental just ask simple questions that you need the answers to. Invite him to do the same... explain that this is meant to attempt to heal the relationship. To attempt to find common ground to possibly move forward together. That you both need to find a win/win scenario. Or its obviously over.

By finding out what drives him to porn, and by clearly explaining your needs... you both have enough to work with individually. Keep e-mailing each other when needed. this can almost create a new relationship because e-mail is more mysterious. Look at how many EA's start over e-mail.

For a while at least STRICTLY use e-mail to talk about the relationship UNTIL you both feel comfortable going back to normal conversations. Stop talking..start e-mailing occasionally. his will help deflate the ongoing tension and allow you to develop the rest of your life together.

I highly suggest you try this approach..if he refuses you willl have your answer...move on!

I think its mainly a communication issue between the two of you...this method can certainly help get 2-way communication going again. Don't judge him, berate him etc... if he says something you cant accept in e-mail a short "I disagree" is all you need. Let him explain further.

At the end have one final e-mail to each other where you both lay "ALL YOUR CARDS' on the table. That way you can each respond a YES or NO and have your answer.

Trust me you will feel a lot better when you have A PLAN. 

GOOD LUCK

Porn addicts can stop when they have a reason to stop.
I know I was one. I needed a reason.
All along it was never meant to hurt my wife, it was my own issue.


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Purple, I don't post much I come here and read. However this has hit so close to home I wanted to see if I could offer you some insite. My story. Married 22 years happy and close for the most part good sex life no hang ups, but never enough in his eyeys. He turned to porn because of emotinal stress and and he can not cope with life and problems, severely depressed. Sex addiction or porn addiction is a way to escape life and live in fantacy. It is not about you! My husband and I have lived this nightmare for 4 years. He is now in a SA 12 step program. We have been to a cirtified sex counselor and have learned many of the things that lead to this addiction and most recovering addictics will tell you it was not because of their partner. It is a way to escape life. It escalates, and becomes an addiction. It makes for an adrenilion rush mush like drugs. It is not you! My husband also can not talk about feelings and has intimacy problems. This is about intimacy issues. He has gone to couseling for a year and a light has come on and we are working through this. Please seek some help for yourself. We tried to do marriage counseling together but it does not work as they need to get to work on their issues of intimacy and copeing. Their our many good web sites out their if you google porn addiction. I dont want to high jack your thread but wanted to let you know the facts. This is not your guy looking at porn once a month thing it's addiction. It is a relationship killer Myself I have had to seek out lots of help fo me to stay and continue on in my marraige. Husbands addiction has caused shame and guilt and extreme depression, it gets ugly, but they have to see what it is doing to their life and seek help. Take care of you self and find expericened help!! Toby


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Let me just give you a view into the mind of a porn addict being one myself (now recovered)...

As boys we first saw naked ladies in playboy. In my teen years I managed to get a video that was very graphic saw things that were eye opening. Throughout college I would occasionally go to F-street to get videos... no girlfriend. In fact I've only had sex with two girls.

Now with he INTERNET... there is unlimited PORN for free and much more graphic porn than in magazines or videos at FStreet. it is like a drug... all of the sudden you have unlimited access to everything (and I mean everything any fetish you want) all from the comfort of your home. You as an addict want to SEE everything its FREE! I used to hoard downloaded videos to know 24/7 I had porn (Funny thing is I never watched them because I had already seen them) I wanted NEW. I used to hate it took so lon to download... letting my computer run overnight so I had many new videos for my collection in the morning. i used to categorize my collection adding comments describing the action. Sometimes I'd act sick to stay home to watch porn. I liked when my family was away to have unfettered access to watch my porn. I'd have it on two screens at once sometimes... all while downloading more.

I would wipe out thousands of videos when I felt like stopping only to build up another collection. Sometimes I'd spend money just to get access to more new and HQ video.

-----

My sex life with my wife (low) was definitely a factor.

BUT it was NOT HER...I absolutely was crazy for my wife all along. The ladies in porn I had zero connection too.. In fact most of them I felt were much uglier than my beauiful wife... i would much rather had had my wife. Porn is artificial... no warmth, smell, taste... It was just a substitute for what was missing. It did temporarily relieve stress...take me away. I liked seeing the acts my wife would never allow. Men are very visually driven,

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU...It's him.

Hope that helps you understand where porn addiction can come from. I am not a bad guy. I had an addiction. I'm human I make mistakes. All along I LOVED my wife! I also wish PORN on the internet never existed...its too easy. That's why most men will view porn.

So my porn addiction stated at 13 and ended at 46.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

purple_orchid said:


> ...*“new girl from transformers film etc”*... Went downstairs to him, not only did he not react whatsoever; he asked if he could watch the rest of his TV programme...


Would you consider him more of a nerd/geek type of person? Just curious, does he play any games like World of Warcraft?

Is he a “house husband?” Does he work or go to school? If he is sitting at home all day with nothing to do, then it’s easy to fill that time with porn. You also said he “trawls” through Facebook as well. It could be that porn is just another easy thing to access in his online/virtual universe (TV included). Too much Internet use can lead to depression, or depression can lead to too much online usage, to fill boredom or as an escape, with porn being a symptom of a larger problem.



purple_orchid said:


> I have to say I was always aware, especially at the start that I had clearly had more experience and appeared more open than him. With this is in mind I have always tried to make him comfortable, subtly encouraging him when he’s doing something right. And he is able to please me, and in that first year it was brilliant and I made sure he knew that, I’m not a quiet one let’s put it that way.


If he’s a shy guy he could also have performance anxiety, especially if you are much more of a sexual person than he is. In the beginning he was able to keep up but to continue to do so may seem draining to him. With porn, he doesn’t have to worry about disappointing his screen with a poor performance or lack of effort. Even more so if he feels that he needs to be better than anyone from your past. He put effort into it in the beginning but that takes a lot of work if that isn’t how he naturally is. Even if some of that may seem understandable he is still being a bit of a jerk in handling this situation. If he is more of a brooder and you are a chipper person, then he may feel pressure to be more extroverted and for him that is uncomfortable emotionally.



purple_orchid said:


> I think a big problem for us is that he finds it impossible to talk. He seems very uncomfortable with emotions and expressing them. I’ve asked if there’s any reason, asked if he’s been hurt before by someone, bullied, you name it, he just says no, he’s always been that way.


As I say, if he is a shy/introverted type of guy then using emotions requires a lot of energy for him, even when dealing with sex. Without him actually talking to you about why he is disinterested in sex, it’s hard to say. It could be he harbors some resentment over the career thing, even though he was okay with that at the time. You say he’s a fairly unemotional guy, and there are no emotions involved in viewing porn. Having sex with his real-life girlfriend involves using some emotional capacity with another human being. The fact that he isn’t trying and him telling you, "It’s your problem, deal with it," is not a good sign long-term.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Now with he INTERNET... there is unlimited PORN for free and much more graphic porn than in magazines or videos at FStreet. *it is like a drug*... all of the sudden you have unlimited access to everything (and I mean everything any fetish you want) all from the comfort of your home. You as an addict want to SEE everything its FREE!


And like any other drug you need more, and more, and more over time until it's no longer the effects of the drug that drive you but the continual need to escape from some sort of pain or stress in life.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I also wish PORN on the internet never existed...its too easy. That's why most men will view porn.


I could not agree more.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I have been married for 17 years and dated my husband for three years before we married. During our years of dating, I discovered a huge box of (what would have been back then) VHS tapes. Had I known then that this would be a continual "trend" in our entire marriage; I maybe would have reconsidered marrying him. Don't get me wrong .... he is wonderful, wonderful man and a great provider, but his interest in porn has always been a huge obstacle in our marriage. It became the same cycle .... I'd find it, I'd cry over it, he'd promise to get rid of it and a couple years later .... another collection! This has damaged the intimacy in our marriage tremendously, and we have reached the point now where we have not had intercourse in six years! I would definitely have many serious talks about this concern of yours, because like me, you may have to deal with it throughout your entire marriage. Frankly, I have become very tired, and I’m not sure how much longer I am willing to put up with it.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

purple_orchid said:


> I felt sick to the pit of my stomach, I looked at him and all I saw was a pervert. My self-confidence hit rock bottom. I told him exactly how it made me feel and questioned why he was watching it. He tried to explain he just looks at it when he’s bored and it has nothing to do with me and that of course he prefers me. I explained that this still didn’t change how it made me feel. He told me that there was no way he would stop and that it was my problem I felt that way and he shouldn’t give up something he enjoys because I have a problem with it. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe he’d be so selfish.


Sound like me and the husband. He tells me that all men watch porn and that i have to accept his behavior. He says he prefers me yet i have been turned down because he choose to masturbate. Then he lies and said he was tired.

I no longer trust what he says. I no longer love him or am attracted to him. My libido is dead. I hate my body because i feel i cannot compare to his porn (he love big tits and i don't have them) He even went as far as to comment about my small tits. So now i feel like ****. I want to leave him so bad but we have 3 kids. I am disgusted and no longer respect him. Hell i HATE him. I HATE HATE HATE HATE. I feel so much anger and regret everyday. He doesn't want me to leave so he tries to talk nice and make promises but seriously i do not believe him. I have no more trust for him. And to think i never cared about porn (i watch them myself) until it came before me and our marriage.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

Oh i forgot to say. RUN. Leave while you still can. You're not married and you do not have kids. I do not believe all men watch porn (my ex did not) Don't let a guy make you believe such Bullcrap.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

purple_orchid said:


> Wow, thank you so much for all your responses.
> 
> First of all, I understand what some of you are saying in that men looking at porn can be due to their partners not satisfying them sexually and yes you are getting only half the story but I’m quite an honest person and please believe me when I say I’m not falsely making myself out to be the victim here.
> 
> ...


Take a look at the bolded statements. I wonder if he isn't a bit beta? Also, have you openly questioned his sexuality? You should find out if he feels a bit overwhelmed. Would there be any way he might feel emmasculated by how he is approached?
How was his relationship with his mother? Do you scold him like a mother does to a little boy? Is he a momma's boy? If so, you need to get him unstuck from her apron and then try to approach him like a man.
Another suggestion is to try and watch the p0rn with him, and maybe you could pick something from it to act out with him. I bet if you did that, the illicit appeal would wither.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Awesome story square1.... For many guys porn can be turned off like a light switch... just like in females emotions can be turned off like a light switch.
> 
> What it takes is a big fat REALITY CHECK or an AWAKENING.
> 
> ...


all masterbation is an empty release.weather its using porn or romance novels or you vib.

espically if you have a willing spouce.I just don't get it I have used porn but would rather make love have sex and be with my wife 100% of the time.


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## cooldude859 (Dec 27, 2011)

Porn isn't good in any way. Is it good to hang out with a room full of *****s if you're married? Is it good to drool over them, while stroking yourself as they undress and bend over in your face? How about strip bars? Is it good to be married and drool over women there? Viewing porn is no different. The brain cannot distinguish the difference. It is why we get off on it. But just because we get a release, it doesn't make it right. Its cheating just the same. In our heart, we are betraying our wife. Nothing justifies viewing porn. I was once addicted to it for many years. It was so bad, I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself and my wife. Thankfully, I grew up. I would never do that to her again. But I sitll have to carry a burden with me everywhere I go. GUILT is one. The other is not being able to be around attractive women without getting aroused by it. Thats what porn does to you. Years ago they said it rots your brain. Now I know its true.


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