# I really don't know what to do



## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

I don't know what to do. I love my ex but he left me back in July, everytime I see him, my heart just races. But there's this other guy who wants to be with me but I can't see myself being with him. I'm not good with change and if I get with this other guy, then my ex will probably think that I didn't feel the way I said I do about him, because, I am crazy about him. Please help me.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You need to heal. It is hard but if it finished last July then perhaps you should think about letting go of your Ex?


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

ing said:


> You need to heal. It is hard but if it finished last July then perhaps you should think about letting go of your Ex?


I can't though, I love him too much,:-/. This is all so difficult,:-(.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

It only ended in July because I was flirting on msn with one of my mates and he was doing stuff on webcam to me but I didn't do anything for him, but my ex doesn't believe me. I know my ex still has feelings for me, I can tell. I just don't know how to get him to admit it so we can hopefully be together again. What I did was a mistake and I regret it, me and that mate cut contact and I don't want anything to do with him again. How can I get my ex to admit he still has feelings for me?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

He may have feelings, but the hurt of what you did and whether he can ever trust you again may be stronger than those feelings.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> He may have feelings, but the hurt of what you did and whether he can ever trust you again may be stronger than those feelings.


How can I gain the trust back though?, I know it happens in time, but is there any way I can prove to him that I have changed and that I wnt do the same thing again if he was to give me another chance?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

First off, I don't want to sound mean, but it doesn't happen in TIME. It happens with ACTIONS. Pain eases over time, but the wall of trust has to be rebuilt, brick by brick, from scratch. And it may never be as big or as strong as it was before you knocked it down.
You need to talk with your Ex - what was wrong with the relationship that you felt you had to seek attention from a 3rd party? Were there any dissatisfactions in your relationship? Did you talk through your problems? Did you consider each others needs? 
In other words, what led up to you doing what you did? 
The ball is really in your Ex's court. If he wants to talk, he will. But if he doesn't, you have to accept that you f****d it up, move on and treat the next guy with some respect. Learn from it either way.
If you ever find yourself doing something you would hate the idea of your partner doing, then you KNOW it's wrong.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> First off, I don't want to sound mean, but it doesn't happen in TIME. It happens with ACTIONS. Pain eases over time, but the wall of trust has to be rebuilt, brick by brick, from scratch. And it may never be as big or as strong as it was before you knocked it down.
> You need to talk with your Ex - what was wrong with the relationship that you felt you had to seek attention from a 3rd party? Were there any dissatisfactions in your relationship? Did you talk through your problems? Did you consider each others needs?
> In other words, what led up to you doing what you did?
> The ball is really in your Ex's court. If he wants to talk, he will. But if he doesn't, you have to accept that you f****d it up, move on and treat the next guy with some respect. Learn from it either way.
> If you ever find yourself doing something you would hate the idea of your partner doing, then you KNOW it's wrong.


There was nothing wrong with the relationship. Just the fact that my ex wasn't paying me much attention as he used to. We hardly ever spke about our problems because I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

He wasn't paying you as much attention: Did you sit with him and ask why?
You hardly spoke about your problems: And that's the biggest problem. That's where mine (and most) relationships tumble. That's where the problems begin. I've discovered that without communication there is no relationship - just two people bumbling along and taking each other for granted. Issues don't get resloved and cracks appear. Cracks that we all too easily ignore. The lack of communication is the fault of BOTH of you.
However, seeking attention from a 3rd and the consequences that come with it lay at your feet, and yours alone. You say you couldn't stop, closer to the truth is the possibility that you really didn't want to stop as you craved the attention. That is NOT your Ex's fault. 
Communication is key, and if you want to get back with him, you need to talk with him and talk through ALL the relationship issues. Just don't blame your behaviour on his lack of attention. You were not showing him attention whilst you were flirting online and your Ex didn't feel the need to seek it from elsewhere.
Just prepping you so you don't trip over yourself. Try and talk, and good luck.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> We hardly ever spke about our problems because I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it.


There is the problem I am afraid. You couldn't talk to your Ex because you were Emotionality involved with someone else. 
This is hugely painful for him. Especially because you [and your not going to like this] *chose* to continue the affair. You may have felt at the time that you couldn't stop. You could. You simply *chose not to*.

This would have hurt him every single day.

How long were you together?

I am not trying to mean xBaby-Louisex and neither is anyone else..


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

ing said:


> I am not trying to mean xBaby-Louisex and neither is anyone else..


So true. Just trying to help, but you need to look within yourself for some of the answers. Answers that your EX may need and you will have to tell him honestly.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> He wasn't paying you as much attention: Did you sit with him and ask why?
> You hardly spoke about your problems: And that's the biggest problem. That's where mine (and most) relationships tumble. That's where the problems begin. I've discovered that without communication there is no relationship - just two people bumbling along and taking each other for granted. Issues don't get resloved and cracks appear. Cracks that we all too easily ignore. The lack of communication is the fault of BOTH of you.
> However, seeking attention from a 3rd and the consequences that come with it lay at your feet, and yours alone. You say you couldn't stop, closer to the truth is the possibility that you really didn't want to stop as you craved the attention. That is NOT your Ex's fault.
> Communication is key, and if you want to get back with him, you need to talk with him and talk through ALL the relationship issues. Just don't blame your behaviour on his lack of attention. You were not showing him attention whilst you were flirting online and your Ex didn't feel the need to seek it from elsewhere.
> Just prepping you so you don't trip over yourself. Try and talk, and good luck.


What do I actually say to him though??, I have no idea because when we have spoken about things like that in the past, it's most of the time ended up in an argument. I do try and talk to him about my problems now so it would make it easier for me in the future if he was to ever come back, and I am now honest about everything. And sometimes, I confide in him about my problems. One thing I do try and not say is how I feel about him, because he already knows I'm crazy about him, but when I say it, he replies 'Well, if you didn't do what you did, then we would still be together.' He won't meet up with me in person because since July, everytime we'rve met up, either a kiss has happened or he has admitted his feelings for me. We last met months ago, everytime he realised that me and him had got closer, he backed off. I think that is because he is really scared of getting hurt again. Since he left, I have changed, I have learnt from my mistakes, I love him so much. I just don't know how I can prove that I have changed apart from just carry on being honest and hope for the best.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

ing said:


> There is the problem I am afraid. You couldn't talk to your Ex because you were Emotionality involved with someone else.
> This is hugely painful for him. Especially because you [and your not going to like this] *chose* to continue the affair. You may have felt at the time that you couldn't stop. You could. You simply *chose not to*.
> 
> This would have hurt him every single day.
> ...


I spose what you're saying is kind of right. I could stop it and I should of but I just basically, couldn't stand losing that attention. I spoke to this mate about everything, all of my problems, and I didn't talk to my ex about my problems, I don't know why. So that is probably one big thing that hurt him- The fact that I never really turned to him, I either turned to this mate for advice or tried dealing with my problems by myself.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> So true. Just trying to help, but you need to look within yourself for some of the answers. Answers that your EX may need and you will have to tell him honestly.


I have tried thinking about things, like, why I did it when I had everything I'd ever wanted with my ex. I was stupid to risk something so amazing for something so kind of in a way, childish, bad and betraying. I should of looked at what I had already.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> he backed off. I think that is because he is really scared of getting hurt again.


That is right on the button. 

I fear that you are relying too much on his feelings towards you in order to get back with him, rather than focus on the feelings he has over what you did. 
Did you tell him about your antics, or did he catch you at it? This will make a sizable difference in how he will view it. 
Maybe it'd be best to talk by phone for a while. It will still allow you to talk, but may ease his fear of getting too close to you too early. If it gets heated, don't defend you actions, let him vent then let him cool. Otherwise you are essentially still not talking about your problems.
Trust is earned. Move slowly. If you want him back, use actions not words, Maybe read a few posts on this site that show in words what he may be feeling, just so YOU understand his position. That may help you tackle it better.
Best of luck


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

You need to setup boundaries for yourself, should you ever end up with your EX again, or end up with someone else. The first boundary, is that you never confide in another man about the problems of your relationship. This opens a door for what we'll term as the Other Man (OM). What I mean, is that you are growing close to OM because he listens to your problems and helps you out from time to time. At first, this is a great thing because you have someone to talk to, who seems to be giving you their undivided attention. Then, as things progress you feel a closeness to OM because he is always there for you. Then, it gets to the point where OM is on your mind constantly. OM tells you he is and always will be there for you. Your heart jumps because OM is giving you what you desire from a relationship. He is making you the center of attention. Soon after, you begin to fantasize about building a life with OM or what he would be like in bed. Then you start to become aggressively flirtatious with him, letting him know you are interested in possibly taking the friendship even further. At this point you are in an Emotional Affair (EA). The EA now has you constantly thinking about OM and what it would be like to be with him, you have fallen head-over-heels in-love with him and start to think of ways to get out of your current relationship, so you can be with OM. But, you don't want to leave your current relationship before you know that you can actually have a life with OM. So, you start making secret rendezvous with him even if only for a few minutes. You start to chat on the phone in secret or through text messages about sleeping together. You tell your significant other that you have to run to the store, when you are really just going to meet OM. You eventually decide that you want to sleep with OM and BOOM, now you're in a Physical Affair (PA). You start to find reasons to go out at night to have sex with OM, which to you is the best sex you've ever had. You tell your significant other that you are having a girls night out. You start to really find any viable reason for you to be out of the house for a few hours, so you can spend intimate time with OM. Eventually your significant other starts to figure out that something is going on, and you tell them that they are crazy and they should trust you more. You make them feel like the lowest scum of the earth for questioning your fidelity. Then, there is a slip-up and your significant other gets concrete proof of PA and the relationship is over. Then, you find out OM wasn't really who he appeared to be and your reality sets in for you. You just gave up the best thing in your life, your significant other, all because you wouldn't discuss your issues in the relationship because you were afraid it would turn into an argument. 

Dammit, be willing to piss your significant other off for the sake of resolving issues. You can't control how they react, but you can control how you react. If you can maintain a level head in the argument, the other person generally starts to become level headed as well. Or, they may be the type of person who needs time to process what you just told them. You need to figure out what works best for them. You may even write them a letter telling them about your issues, so that they can read them in a non-confrontational setting. Then, you can discuss them at a time where the discussion won't be so heated. 

The second boundary is to just not have single male friends at all when you are in a committed relationship. All single male friends are, are a d!ck in a glass case. Break in case of emergency. If you have any male friends, make sure they are friends to both of you and also in committed relationships. Sure, married men cheat, but it's a lot less likely if they are friends to the both of you. Never meet a male friend without your significant other present. Never contact them without you significant others knowledge. Tell you significant other about any encounter you may have had with another male. Telling your significant other about all these things, keeps yourself in check. 

I hope some of this gives you insight and helps you if you and your EX ever reconcile or when you have another relationship with anyone.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Restless, that was FANTASTIC!
Pure accurate awesomeness!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> You need to setup boundaries for yourself, should you ever end up with your EX again, or end up with someone else. The first boundary, is that you never confide in another man about the problems of your relationship. This opens a door for what we'll term as the Other Man (OM). What I mean, is that you are growing close to OM because he listens to your problems and helps you out from time to time. At first, this is a great thing because you have someone to talk to, who seems to be giving you their undivided attention. Then, as things progress you feel a closeness to OM because he is always there for you. Then, it gets to the point where OM is on your mind constantly. OM tells you he is and always will be there for you. Your heart jumps because OM is giving you what you desire from a relationship. He is making you the center of attention. Soon after, you begin to fantasize about building a life with OM or what he would be like in bed. Then you start to become aggressively flirtatious with him, letting him know you are interested in possibly taking the friendship even further. At this point you are in an Emotional Affair (EA). The EA now has you constantly thinking about OM and what it would be like to be with him, you have fallen head-over-heels in-love with him and start to think of ways to get out of your current relationship, so you can be with OM. But, you don't want to leave your current relationship before you know that you can actually have a life with OM. So, you start making secret rendezvous with him even if only for a few minutes. You start to chat on the phone in secret or through text messages about sleeping together. You tell your significant other that you have to run to the store, when you are really just going to meet OM. You eventually decide that you want to sleep with OM and BOOM, now you're in a Physical Affair (PA). You start to find reasons to go out at night to have sex with OM, which to you is the best sex you've ever had. You tell your significant other that you are having a girls night out. You start to really find any viable reason for you to be out of the house for a few hours, so you can spend intimate time with OM. Eventually your significant other starts to figure out that something is going on, and you tell them that they are crazy and they should trust you more. You make them feel like the lowest scum of the earth for questioning your fidelity. Then, there is a slip-up and your significant other gets concrete proof of PA and the relationship is over. Then, you find out OM wasn't really who he appeared to be and your reality sets in for you. You just gave up the best thing in your life, your significant other, all because you wouldn't discuss your issues in the relationship because you were afraid it would turn into an argument.
> 
> Dammit, be willing to piss your significant other off for the sake of resolving issues. You can't control how they react, but you can control how you react. If you can maintain a level head in the argument, the other person generally starts to become level headed as well. Or, they may be the type of person who needs time to process what you just told them. You need to figure out what works best for them. You may even write them a letter telling them about your issues, so that they can read them in a non-confrontational setting. Then, you can discuss them at a time where the discussion won't be so heated.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Almost exactly how a EA progresses to a PA. This can happen very slowly or very quickly.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> That is right on the button.
> 
> I fear that you are relying too much on his feelings towards you in order to get back with him, rather than focus on the feelings he has over what you did.
> Did you tell him about your antics, or did he catch you at it? This will make a sizable difference in how he will view it.
> ...


He found out. I had a virus on my laptop and he said that he could get rid of it because he is good with computers. So I gave him my laptop to sort out over night and he ''got curious'' and looked at my saved msn conversations. He went mental.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> You need to setup boundaries for yourself, should you ever end up with your EX again, or end up with someone else. The first boundary, is that you never confide in another man about the problems of your relationship. This opens a door for what we'll term as the Other Man (OM). What I mean, is that you are growing close to OM because he listens to your problems and helps you out from time to time. At first, this is a great thing because you have someone to talk to, who seems to be giving you their undivided attention. Then, as things progress you feel a closeness to OM because he is always there for you. Then, it gets to the point where OM is on your mind constantly. OM tells you he is and always will be there for you. Your heart jumps because OM is giving you what you desire from a relationship. He is making you the center of attention. Soon after, you begin to fantasize about building a life with OM or what he would be like in bed. Then you start to become aggressively flirtatious with him, letting him know you are interested in possibly taking the friendship even further. At this point you are in an Emotional Affair (EA). The EA now has you constantly thinking about OM and what it would be like to be with him, you have fallen head-over-heels in-love with him and start to think of ways to get out of your current relationship, so you can be with OM. But, you don't want to leave your current relationship before you know that you can actually have a life with OM. So, you start making secret rendezvous with him even if only for a few minutes. You start to chat on the phone in secret or through text messages about sleeping together. You tell your significant other that you have to run to the store, when you are really just going to meet OM. You eventually decide that you want to sleep with OM and BOOM, now you're in a Physical Affair (PA). You start to find reasons to go out at night to have sex with OM, which to you is the best sex you've ever had. You tell your significant other that you are having a girls night out. You start to really find any viable reason for you to be out of the house for a few hours, so you can spend intimate time with OM. Eventually your significant other starts to figure out that something is going on, and you tell them that they are crazy and they should trust you more. You make them feel like the lowest scum of the earth for questioning your fidelity. Then, there is a slip-up and your significant other gets concrete proof of PA and the relationship is over. Then, you find out OM wasn't really who he appeared to be and your reality sets in for you. You just gave up the best thing in your life, your significant other, all because you wouldn't discuss your issues in the relationship because you were afraid it would turn into an argument.
> 
> Dammit, be willing to piss your significant other off for the sake of resolving issues. You can't control how they react, but you can control how you react. If you can maintain a level head in the argument, the other person generally starts to become level headed as well. Or, they may be the type of person who needs time to process what you just told them. You need to figure out what works best for them. You may even write them a letter telling them about your issues, so that they can read them in a non-confrontational setting. Then, you can discuss them at a time where the discussion won't be so heated.
> 
> ...


My fidelity wouldn't go as far as sex though because I won't have it if I'm not in a relationship with the person. My fidelity was only cyber based, it was never going to turn physical.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I'm not suprised he went mental! Only a sociopath would be calm after discovering that -and then he'd probably cut your head off after tea.
I'm not going to pull any punches on you - as he discovered it rather than you admitting to it he will doubt whether you had any intention of telling him or stopping the EA at all and his view will be that you're sorry - not for what you did, but sorry that you got caught.
I think a letter - a heartfelt letter that not only apologises, but also goes onto explain why you did what you did, what problems you had in the relationship that weren't discussed, what you are willing to do to PROVE it will never happen again ever in the history of forever and invite him to explain his anger, his pain and any unresolved issues he felt in the relationship, whether by email, letter or phone. Explain that you understand why he would be reluctant to see you given the emotional turmoil, and you would be happy speaking by email or phone.
Good luck


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> My fidelity wouldn't go as far as sex though because I won't have it if I'm not in a relationship with the person. My fidelity was only cyber based, it was never going to turn physical.


YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!
NEVER SAY NEVER - Most of the cheaters on this site will have said that at one time or another. The deeper the EA goes, the quicker the PA happens - make no mistake, you've already misjudged yourself once, it would be a serious error to misjudge yourself again!
And don't even TRY to say that to your EX or the shields will fly up faster than light!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Louise. 

I remember you from your last posts.

The thing is, you're still not owning what you did and it could be your ex picks up on that. And if you can't own it, you still don't "get it." 



xBaby-Louisex said:


> It only ended in July because I was flirting on msn with one of my mates and he was doing stuff on webcam to me *but I didn't do anything *for him?


Wrong. You said in your other thread you were encouraging your mate when he was masterbating on camera. The fact your ex found out all this on his own, makes this 200x worse. Know that. 



xBaby-Louisex said:


> *What I did was a mistake *?


You did mess up. It's good you see that now. But it was a CHOICE you made. 



xBaby-Louisex said:


> *I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it*.


Wrong again. You could stop. You just chose not to. Own that. 



xBaby-Louisex said:


> I have tried thinking about things, like, why I did it when I had everything I'd ever wanted with my ex.


Until you can say to yourself that you did it because you WANTED to do it, you are facing a long uphill battle. It was YOUR choice. YOU played a part in the betrayal. It wasn't all the other dudes' fault. Had your ex been in the dark, would you have ever come clean about it????

Now, you guys broke up almost a year ago when he left you after finding out the truth. It's NOT healthy to keep doing self-destructive things: pining over him if he doesn't want to be with you, trying to make him feel something he may or may not, trying to make him anything, dating/talking to someone new when it's clear you are NOT over your ex and what youdid.

Louise...you need to spend some time alone. Understand that you really betrayed your ex's trust and it was a result of a choice you made. Until you can face that, you will never learn the lesson here about what you did and why your ex has trouble trusting you now.

If he doesn't come around (and he hasn't for a year now), it's time to cut your losses and move on.

It may be that he will never trust you again due to your past behaviors. And that is something you will have to accept. If he is being wishy washy with you then you need to decide for yourself if you want to keep clinging to someone who won't give you an inch. It will be his choice ultimately.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Numb-badger said:


> YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!
> NEVER SAY NEVER - Most of the cheaters on this site will have said that at one time or another. The deeper the EA goes, the quicker the PA happens - make no mistake, you've already misjudged yourself once, it would be a serious error to misjudge yourself again!
> And don't even TRY to say that to your EX or the shields will fly up faster than light!


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Numb-badger said:


> I'm not suprised he went mental! Only a sociopath would be calm after discovering that -and then he'd probably cut your head off after tea.
> I'm not going to pull any punches on you - as he discovered it rather than you admitting to it he will doubt whether you had any intention of telling him or stopping the EA at all and his view will be that you're sorry - not for what you did, but sorry that you got caught.
> I think a letter - a heartfelt letter that not only apologises, but also goes onto explain why you did what you did, what problems you had in the relationship that weren't discussed, what you are willing to do to PROVE it will never happen again ever in the history of forever and invite him to explain his anger, his pain and any unresolved issues he felt in the relationship, whether by email, letter or phone. Explain that you understand why he would be reluctant to see you given the emotional turmoil, and you would be happy speaking by email or phone.
> Good luck


He did actually say the words 'You're not sorry because you did it, you're just sorry you got caught.' Which is not the case. I have written him letters, but I haven't sent them yet.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Hi Louise.
> 
> I remember you from your last posts.
> 
> ...


I would of come clean about it and I would of stopped it but i just, couldn't.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I have written him letters, but I haven't sent them yet:
Then you're not PROVING anything to him.

I would of come clean about it and I would of stopped it but i just, couldn't.
You wouldn't. You had many opportunities to stop flirting with this guy. Everytime you went online you could have blocked him, ignored him or just told him to f*** off, but you didn't because you loved the attention. I'll bet if you're being truthful to yourself, you actually looked forward to seeing this guy online because he made you feel special. Well, your Ex could have done that if A: you'd spoken to him about your issues and let him speak about his, and B: The time and effort you spent flirting online was instead used to make your Ex feel special.
Your EX is going to feel like a 2nd choice piece of s**/ because, essentially, that is what you made him, regardless of how you feel towards him. 
I would advise you to review those letters or write new ones, don't make excuses, follow the advice you will find on many threads on this site, be honest and PROVE (actions, not words) that you are worthy of his love. Just don't expect it to be easy.
Good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I would of come clean about it and* I would of stopped it but i just, couldn't*.


You still don't get it. 

Good luck.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You pretty much ****ed up, and now must deal with him being-on-the-fence for a while. The ball is in his court now, and you must play the game.


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