# Separation after 12 Years and 2 Kids



## psantiago412 (Feb 6, 2015)

Good morning all,

This is my first post and don't really know how to begin or exactly what it is that I am looking for but I am here to see if I can get a little bit of clarity.

I met my wife 12 years ago and we have been together ever since we were both 18. Our relationship started off alittle bit rocky on both our parts, within a year we both were seeing other people, hers being more serious and me leaving the girl I was with to chase my future wife. 

We got back together after a year and moved in shortly thereafter and have since we were 21. In the early years I started to talk to other women on the internet and she would periodically find out but it was nothing more then just talking. After being together for 6 years I proposed to her and she said yes. Now it wasn't the dream proposal and I was lacking in the emotional and romantic category (2 things which she values heavily) but nonetheless we were getting married. 

During this time I was neglecting her and being emotional absent. I haven't been the best husband nor the most attentive but she stuck with me since she knew I was a good person and because she was in love with me. After our marriage I decided it was time for me to grow up and become a man so I joined the Air Force and have been for the past 7 years. Right after I joined we discovered she was pregnant and were ecstatic but I was mostly absent due to being away for training/military related stuff. During this time is when our issues started to begin. I started getting more attention from woman and started to have affairs. She found out about them and I never denied them and she seemed to be okay with it and let them slide.

Fast forward a couple years and it was basically the same deal I would be with another woman and she would be ok with it and I thought nothing was wrong. Please keep in mind throughout my entire 12 years with this woman I have always loved her and still do. I have always been in love with her and still am. 

I cheated on her when she was pregnant with our 2nd child and that seemed to be the turning point in our relationship. I noticed the change in her and she wasn't quick to forgive me this time. I worked hard to regain her trust and gave up on everything other then proving to her that I still loved and cared for her. She eventually came around but would bring it up every once in awhile. 

There was a point that I stopped all my outside cheating but for some reason she started saying it would get her excited that woman wanted me. I thought I was the luckiest guy! She would tell me that she wanted me to be with other woman and that I should find a girl so we could have an "Open Relationship". I told her I would do a partial open relationship since I was not comfortable with her going out and seeing other men (selfish of me no?). So I started to and she agreed not to but it seemed to be brought up more often.

Last Novemeber I started to notice a change in her. I had slowed down my activities by this point even though she was insisting that I see other woman. I started to change and knew that's not what I wanted anymore and I expressed it to her..but I think I was too little too late. She had started talking to a friend at work and the talking become more frequent to the point that they talked all day. She ended up leaving her job which I think is a result of a midlife crisis (just turned 30) and started a new job which she hated. Once I found out about the guy I approached her and she said she wouldn't talk to him again. I trusted her and left her alone on the subject for 2 weeks all while showing her all the emotional and romantic side that I had been lacking.

Come to find out for those 2 weeks he had sent her a cell phone to use and she was communicating with him that way. Again I approached her and she said she would stop, I smashed the phone, tv, and an ipad in rage. Long story short she kept talking to him and I kept finding out about 5/6 times total.

I started going to therapy at this point and she said she would seek out as well which she hasn't done. We did start marriage consuling and did 3 sessions of which she says her mind was not there and neither was her heart. She is finally seeing the therapist next week indiviadually so at least she is getting some help. But she tells me she feels absolutely nothing towards me and tells me she needs space to grow and find herself. Im moving out tomorrow which is killing me since I've had my life with her for so long. Also she has all my finances since she isn't working but staying with the kids.

She asked me to move out in December but I told her if we were going to work things out I should be at home with her to see and talk to her and everything went great... We had a really great month and I thought we were getting back on track..I did find out she talked to this man everyday and she lied to me again about it. She finally dropped the bomb on me during a family lactation in the Poconos that she felt nothing for me and she wanted to split. 

I am trying to win her back...I love my wife...I want to show her I have changed.. I want to show her im not selfish and am thinking about her happiness. I just don't know how to win her heart back. I am miserable and then I see her talking to him now on the phone bill and can't help but think ive lost her forever. Please help!!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sounds like you have lost her...sorry. She is obviously attached to this other man and does not intend to stop seeing or talking to him. And after your history of cheating, it seems difficult to blame her. Maybe you have finally grown-up and "changed" but it is too late...in my opinion.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How many women did you cheat with? Because it sounds like a lot.

Frankly, I think your marriage was over before it ever really began. You were already cheating from the very beginning. Marriage is an exclusive, _sacred_ union between two people who agree to _forsake all others._ Doesn't sound like you ever got that memo.

I agree with Jane. I think she's done, all your years of cheating on her took a cumulative, likely irreversible toll. The only way it might work out is if things with the new guy don't work out and then she "settles" for you as her Plan B.

But ask yourself, is that really the kind of marriage you want?


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## psantiago412 (Feb 6, 2015)

Happy as a clam,

The number is not as high as I made it sound..overall I have had sex with 3 woman this year all with her insisting that I do. 

The cheating would consist of - 

A 1 night stand when I got in the Air Force 

A 1 night stand once I came home

And the cheating with the woman while she was pregnant which was the worst decision in my life. That only happened twice.

All these I came out and told her about and she said she forgave me and said that we could move on. 

I know it's easier said then done but I didn't realize the damage I had done.

As far as it being over I am hoping to show her my fundamental changes and show her I am the man she fell in love with. I promised her if we get back together I would divorce her and remarry when the time was right and do things the right way.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You wanting her back is selfish, her wanting the new guy is selfish, anything we want for ourselves is selfish. Just to be clear, you wanting her back is soley for you and you alone.

Second, she has an experience of not trusting anything you say. You taught her that you should not be trusted to protect the relationship, and you also neglected it for so long. Neglect someone so often, their loyalty to you is often shattered. You have to ask why should she be loyal to someone who would constantly hurt her. You think your wife was okay with you all this time, but secretly, she has been detaching from you, and you were self-absorb that you did not recognize it.

The thing you should worry about is yourself first and foremost. Whether she comes back or not is an unknown variable. For you to have success in your life in terms of relationships is to first work on you. You need to make sure whatever flaw you have as an individual, you correct. You have to be willing to give her up. AS hard as that sounds, you are a major source of pain for her, and when she sees you, or contacts you, she will be reminded of that pain and neglect.

Another thing, her relationship with this man is highly unlikely to work out. Given the number of people you date before marriage, the chance of this man being a new potential life time partner is slim. Plus, he is just a rebound that she is unknowingly using to boost her self-esteem. Another thing, stop being a husband to her and supporting her as if she is your wife. Ask her to look for a job. Tell her if she does not want you as a husband, then for your sake for you to move on, you will stop supporting her like a husband.

Your a taker, and your less willing to give in return. Also, you left yourself in quite the predicament. If you go around spreading that she is cheating on you, she has enough ammo that if she explain what you did to her, people will feel more empathy for her instead. In this case, her affair has to fall apart on its own, and you really do not know how long that will take, if it even will fall apart. There is a chance that their relationship can last if they handle it correctly. If he is married, then you have a better chance of ending the relationship.

She does sound conflicted, and right now she is just infatuated with the other man. She is addicted to the new love feelings. Until that fades, she will have her judgement impaired. So in the mean time, you detach and work on you, because there is no guarantee that even if she breaks up with the OM, she would even want you as a partner either. Your goal is to be fine and gain some valuable wisdom from all of this. Btw, she really never forgave you, she just swept her feelings and emotions under a rug until it festered and you got the mess it has created.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

psantiago412 said:


> Good morning all,
> 
> This is my first post and don't really know how to begin or exactly what it is that I am looking for but I am here to see if I can get a little bit of clarity.
> 
> ...


You cheated on her, many many times, but you "thought it was OK" and even claim that you still love her.

Love has conditions. People, everybody reading this, anybody reading this: Love has conditions.


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## psantiago412 (Feb 6, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You wanting her back is selfish, her wanting the new guy is selfish, anything we want for ourselves is selfish. Just to be clear, you wanting her back is soley for you and you alone.
> 
> Second, she has an experience of not trusting anything you say. You taught her that you should not be trusted to protect the relationship, and you also neglected it for so long. Neglect someone so often, their loyalty to you is often shattered. You have to ask why should she be loyal to someone who would constantly hurt her. You think your wife was okay with you all this time, but secretly, she has been detaching from you, and you were self-absorb that you did not recognize it.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty,

I understand the selfish nature of my request. I also know that it isn't just about me, I want our kids to have a complete family. There is nothing that excites me more then being woken up by our 2 year old jumping into our bed and hugging the both of us. Neither her nor I grew up with fathers in our life and I want to be able to be there at all times when a major/minor event happens, not to be called on the phone and learn about it afterwards.

I know at this point it's her time to heal and put herself back together. I have taken the time to help fix my imperfections and to reflect on my past mistakes and what I did to hurt my wife. I know I have not fixed all of my problems but I have now been seeing a therapist for 2 months now and I feel mentally I am in a better place. 

She continuously tells me that the separation is about her finding herself and the person she is and if she was in this for the kids or she truly does love me. I respect her position and I owe it to her to let her try and find her inner peace. But the fact that this guy is always in the background leaves a bad taste in my mouth because I know she is doing herself a disservice by entertaining another man right now. 

As far as our friends and family they all know the situation that we have been through and the past so the empathy part is there but surprisingly everyone has been routing for us to stay together including her family and mother most importantly. They understand that I am a good man and while I haven't given her 100% I am capable of it. My wife is a very stubborn, hardheaded, defensive person so I think this is actually hurting me more then helping since they keep talking to her and she uses this man as her outlet.


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## psantiago412 (Feb 6, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You cheated on her, many many times, but you "thought it was OK" and even claim that you still love her.
> 
> Love has conditions. People, everybody reading this, anybody reading this: Love has conditions.


I understand Love has conditions. And it isn't just a claim. 

I wholeheartedly love this woman..she was my first love, my only love, and I don't want to stop fighting for her since I know in my heart I can make her happy.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

As long as he is in the background, your out of luck, and you have to deal with the reality of that at the moment. People pushing her is only making her dig in her heels harder, and perhaps you should advice them to back off. Btw, we are not really good or bad, just dysfunctional or not. In societal standards, you cheating and neglecting her emotionally, and security needs is considered bad. Good and bad are just concepts that people apply in how they view the world to make sense of it. Also, it depends on her friends and family's world view. Is the marriage more important than the happiness of the people involved? I think you would want her to come back if all involved could have a fulfilling life, and not everyone. If she is not happy and returns, chances are, she could sour the entire situation for everyone involved.

You taught her for years that you cannot be trusted, a few months is not going to prove that much to her. Just live your life as the person whom you strive to be, and hopefully she sees the change in you and can fall in love with you again. You were young when you both fell in love. Both of you have changed, and she needs to know if the current her can fall in love with the current you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

psantiago412 said:


> I understand Love has conditions. And it isn't just a claim.
> 
> I wholeheartedly love this woman..she was my first love, my only love, and I don't want to stop fighting for her since I know in my heart I can make her happy.


Then you should have proven it while her spirit was still open to you.

But you didn't - you kept on cheating. Until she got to a point where she completely closed her spirit and soul off to you.

It sounds like it's too little, too late. But if you insist that you still love her, then you will not give up, no matter what anyone here says.


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## psantiago412 (Feb 6, 2015)

So today is the first official day of me being moved out..and boy does it suck. For the first time in 12 years I went an entire day without talking to my wife yesterday. 

I picked up the kids at her mothers house and took them home and hung out with them until it was time for bed and then I started to pack.

She came home around midnight and I was sleeping on the couch and she came over and asked why I didn't text or call the entire day...which is extremely rare and also that she had been out with friends from work, even though I didn't ask.

So this morning I took my bags and walked out left the keys on a photobook I had made and was planning to give her for Valentine's Day and kept it moving. We didn't talk for most of the morning until she text me asking me if I hate her which I replied I didnt. And we started to talk alittle and I told her I want to work on fixing my self for the better and become a better man overall. She was respective but also apologized for not being a better wife and allowing things to go the way they did.

This feeling of loneliness is killing me..wondering what she's doing who she is with what she is thinking. I know it's day 1 but damn this hurts..I wish there was a quick fix.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, there is not one. It took a long time to get to where you are, and it will take a long time for you to get out of it. It is like digging a hole with a spoon and digging your way back out again with that spoon. Well, you have at least found some empathy for your wife and discovered what she went through. Work on yourself, and let her be the one to contact you, and not the other way around. If you push her, she will only dig in harder. You have to make her miss you in order for you to have a chance. Like your wife, you did not appreciate her enough until she left you. She cannot appreciate you if you are always around so I hope you have the willpower to change and become the man she misses. She will need therapy herself. Your neglect of her left an emotional void that you did not fill, and she found it elsewhere. She will also have to take a look at herself also, and learn to communicate her problems to you. You both need to learn to maintain a healthy relationship.


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