# 3 year marriage - 2 year old child



## markm

Hi All,

I've posted in forums like these before and then started to ignore my marital problems again.

My wife and I were dating and moved in together. When we found out she was pregnant. We decided to get married.

Since we had our child we've been unhappy with each other. We've been through a lot financially but the past year or so now my wife gradually started going out at night and seeing old friends.

About 6 months ago she started hanging out with her "first". She swore up and down that she didn't like him / how gross he got etc.

Long story longer, he's in the army and she went to see him and his pals twice in TN (we live in FL) – again swore she wasn't attracted to him. Don't know why I let her go in the first place.

About 3 weeks ago she went to VA to see family and I noticed on our bank statements that she spent some money in Nashville airport - near his base.

I started to get suspicious last week so I started going through her stuff. In her keepsakes box she had old pictures of her and her ex kissing on the very top.

I found a notebook with pen impressions on paper and was able to discern most of her letter. 

It basically says that she was with him at his base the day she flew home from "VA". She's willing to wait for this person, and she wanted to say she loved him before he left but choked up. Also said she wants to be in his life whether she's his "girlfriend" or not. The letter also asks him to get skype so they can still "see eachother" 

She started asking me about webcams a few weeks ago and even added me to skype. [I use Skype to communicate with remote offices for work]

He is in Afghanistan right now.

As far as her behavior goes she spends money (we don't have) on tanning every month, going out, getting her hair colored, clothes, etc. I'm talking hundreds of dollars a month.

I get yelled at for wanting to pay $40 extra for an upgraded cable service.

I've got some real maturity concerns here too concerning our child.

My wife has had several jobs making between $8 and $9 /hr and when she gets frustrated she quits without having another one lined up. [not knocking the salary, but fact is she failed to care about college when her step-dad was paying for it]

We're both young but I have a career making over twice what she makes that I've been following for 5 years. I work 9-6 every day. I get up and take our child to daycare, go to work, pick her up, feed her, change her, play, put to bed. She works most nights but even if she's home 90% of the time I'm still taking care of our daughter. Poop makes my wife want to "get sick".

In my minds eye I feel like I'm a lot more responsible and willing to take on the cost and responsibility of our child than she is.

She is emotionally involved with someone thousands of miles away. She acts like everything is fine... perhaps OVER compensating. I haven't said anything to her yet for fear she might try to fight me having any custody for whatever reason, or absolve any evidence. I've taken photos of everything I've found (receipts, letters, notes, pictures etc) but I feel like I need more.

She's locked out her computer and changed our wireless account password.

It's really hard to pretend that I am clueless.

The hardest part I choke on is the fact that I will be alone in a house or apartment one day if I follow through.

I am not happy and don't think I ever will be with her. She drops a lot hints about splitting up and we've talked about it in the past. I've got my dad helping me out and even her mom has expressed concern about her not being involved enough.

I don't want to keep our daughter from her I just want her to primarily live with me because it would be most stable for her.

How long should I wait, where should I look for that little nudge? I'm tired of not being happy and tired of not wanting to go home to see her. Frankly I feel like I hardly even know her.

PS: I also got a fb message from someone anonymous 2 months ago saying she was cheating on me. I confronted her immediately and she acted clueless. I believed her because that's what I wanted to hear at the time.

Does it make sense that I leave? I'd like to keep it out of court but should I present all my evidence & case to a lawyer first? I want this to go fast because it's painful biting my tongue.

I feel like I still have doubts that she's cheating or she might say "it's over" or something. The evidence I found is only 3 weeks old but it feels like there is room for her to turn it around, since she's manipulative. 

How do I keep myself from changing my mind? 

Thanks, I know there are a lot of questions but my head is a mess right now. I'll probably have more shortly. Like how do I afford daycare if she's got to move to her own place?

Thanks again

-m


----------



## markm

Well i was confronted by my wife today and she seems to know a lot about what I was up to.

I told her about half of what I know. I suspect she has a logger on MY computer. Fudge.

Um. Where do I go from here? She won't admit to what I already know yet. I told her we should get a divorce because we obviously don't trust eachother, and it's been 3 or 4 years coming because I took 2 girls to lunch on a date while we were dating.

This can't be fixed, can it? Not sure what I should do or how fast I should move now.

Thanks


----------



## Uptown

Mark, are you saying that she does not trust you now -- three years into your marriage -- because you took 2 girls to lunch while you were dating your W four years ago? Was that being unfaithful, i.e., had you at that point promised to date only her? If so, have you done anything unfaithful to her since?

How old are you two? I ask because she sounds very immature, child-like even. If you are interested in saving your marriage, why have you not suggested marriage counseling to her? Finally, how long ago did your sex life with her stop?


----------



## markm

Thank You Uptown,

She's 22. I'm only a year older.

I have NOT done anything unfaithful since we've been married or even after those "lunch dates".

We have talked about counseling awhile ago but all she does it make excuses as why it's stupid or why we can't afford it etc. She's not interested.

We stopped having sex around the beginning of the year. When she really started to visit her ex. Before that it was only once every few weeks or a month.

thanks again


----------



## CodeNameBob

You need to try counselling, if she is unwilling to go with you, you need to go alone. This will help you in your marriage, or prepare you for what could be coming. 

I wondered about OM, she got overly private, and all was lost. You need to try and work it out, but if she is not giving you any indication that she wants to save the marriage, get an attorney ASAP. Start protecting yourself, NOW!

I have a simple belief, once you are married, you do not have friends of the opposite sex that you would visit without your spouse, if you are not welcome on that visit, then someone has bad intentions, whether it be her or him.

My best friend was a female friend from high school and college, once she married we stopped to visiting adn talking every night. Out of respect for her marriage and husband. Once I got married, I gave up very close relationships with other females, my wife filled that void. If she can't give that up, she does not respect you or the marriage. How do I know this, my wife wouldn't give it up, she started having an EA or what ever and left me.

I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Uptown

Mark, I agree with everything that Bob says above, especially the advice in his first sentence. The only way to save your marriage is to get counseling. So, given that she is unwilling to invest time or money in that, it is clear that she is unwilling to make any significant investment in your marriage. Based on that, I would say see a lawyer and move on. Yet, because you have strong mixed feelings about it, I agree with Bob that you could benefit from speaking with a therapist just for your own peace of mind.

That said, I am skeptical that marriage counseling (MC) would work even if she were willing to go at your insistence. One reason is that counseling works only when the person really wants it, not when it is reluctantly agreed to. Another reason is that the behavior you describe makes her sound like (a) a very immature 22 year old or (b) a woman suffering from a personality disorder that makes her behave in a childish, selfish, reckless, and impulsive manner. 

Either way, MC likely would be ineffective. MC is good at teaching people how to listen and communicate more effectively. If people are immature or disordered, however, it does not cause them to grow up or heal. Individual therapy from a psychologist is needed for healing of that nature. So the bottom line is I agree with Bob.


----------



## turnera

I would tell her you will STOP all communication with ex. If she refuses, you go to her mother or father (whoever she's closest to) and tell them that she is having an affair with her old bf. Ask them to talk to her. If they refuse, or if she continues anyway, you continue to expose to the rest of her family and her friends.

You have so few years invested, you may end up divorced over this. But it sounds like that is what she wants anyway. No matter what, you can NOT tolerate cheating in the marriage. 

Exposure will make the cheating not so much fun any more, and she may reconsider what she is doing. But doing nothing and just 'hoping' she will see the light will get you divorced - and paying for her to live with him and your daughter.

Time to fight for your marriage.


----------



## markm

I'm going to see a lawyer sometime this week.

It's hard because I believe she senses something is up and has been acting like nothing is wrong. She's been lying about a missing $100 for the past week however, that I KNOW she spent on sunglasses for herself.

I've been kind of a **** all week and she's been upset by that. I don't mean to be a jerk but it's hard to pretend everything is alright when it's obviously not. I just want everything out in the open but I'm afraid to do that before I talk to a lawyer.

I have to say that I do not agree with you Turnera in that she's going to have our daughter living with her and her boyfriend. I think I've got a lot going for me in regards to me having the toddler at my house. Plus her boyfriend is currently deployed to Afghanistan... so who knows if he'll even come back, quite honestly. To me, this isn't about her "boyfriend" at all.

Fact is with her work and play schedule it would be impossible for her to be available to pick her up and drop her off at daycare every day like i do. Or feed her dinner every night or put her to bed every night like i do. I don't mind if she see's her in fact I'll encourage it. I just want a place she can call HOME and at this point she can't get that from my W. Not until she settles.

MC is going to be out of the question. She may be realizing what she's going to lose if I decide I'm done but I think I've decided I'm done at this point. We've been through this twice before and it always just goes back to a nasty relationship. This time has been the worst.

Her little games have directly hurt the marriage financially which includes her leaving the STATE 3 times for days on end and even going "out" and not coming home the next day several times. If I didn't have a kid I would have been gone a while ago... she can have whatever she wants, but I'm tired of being treated like everything is my fault.

Sorry if this is so negative had to get it off my chest.


----------



## markm

I realize what I said might seem really immature... that I'm "done".

I talked with my brother for a long while who had a really hard split with his ex wife.

He pointed out how prepared and cool headed I've been compared to him and I realized I had been thinking about this for the past year and I know she has been thinking about as well as she has brought it up a few times in the past and I said she was ridiculous. :scratchhead:

I'm going to have the "conversation" after I know our options with the lawyer and I'll let you guys know how it goes. I think this has moved beyond the stage of "considering".

I just know I'm still going to feel guilty though.. which sucks.


----------



## turnera

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read up on their Plan A before you make any moves, or read their book His Needs Her Needs. See if it makes a difference.


----------



## markm

Plan A seems to make sense and all but this isn't about her cheating.

I have been verbally abused, financially abused and just flat out stifled and shut down the entire time we've been married. If we have a financial problem it's my fault for going out to lunch or whatever I did that week. 

I just went through our finances thoroughly for the past 3 months and she spent TWO-THOUSAND DOLLARS on herself. A lot of which was spent so she could travel to TN to see "guy friends" in the army, or on clothes and haircuts to go out etc.. I've spent $60 on food for lunch in 3 months.

She will find an excuse to blame me. She makes things up so she will get her way. It's so very toxic.

For instance, this is a pointless one... The other night I asked her if she could pick up dinner since our daughter fell asleep in the car. She complained that she was just there and it was "EXTREMELY CROWDED" and she couldn't go in there by herself. I drove by it and it was dead. There was maybe 3 people in there, no line. No, she wasn't talking about a different location either. Was she just too lazy to go in and order food?

I guess I've already made up my mind but this helped for me to realize i wasn't over reacting. She's going to tell me I'm over reacting on the situation.


----------



## turnera

Well, it sounds like you've made up your mind.

fwiw, Plan A is NOT just for affairs. It works in all marriages, barring abuse or mental illness. But if you're done, you're done. Good luck.


----------

