# emotional needs not being met - expectations



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

_"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_


Quoted this from a recent article I read today....and honestly I am so tired of reading so much about spouse emotional needs not being met and that they will likely cheat....is almost now seen as a normal outcome of not meeting their needs, I see references to it almost weekly in so many articles. 

why is it that this message is being sent so much, that if you dont provide all the emotional needs of your spouse they will likely cheat and get them met somewhere else?? not everyone does that!!! and how about communication? MC? Divorce??? cheating is NEVER a solution to anything. and why is it that if as a spouse your emotional needs arent being met that maybe you need to relax those expectations a bit? life doesnt work how we always want it to, so how about adapting a little bit to not having your emotional needs met all the time?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> _"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The assumption seems to be that the spouse is unable to ask for their needs to be met, or unable to refrain from cheating in order to meet them.

Providing that someone is not "needy", it should be easy to ask for what you need. You won't always get it. If you never get them met, something is broke, identify it and fix it.

If it's not repairable, decided if you can live without, if not, end the marriage.

People like to make this leap from unmet needs to cheating. But they skip over all the work in the middle. Lazy lazy lazy. Cheating is the cowards way. Rather than confront the issue, let's just sneak around.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I had met my W needs in their entirety with the exception of emotional needs(more physical contact). This went on for 20 years. She never cheated. She hoped, prayed and spoke to me about it. One day I finally got what she was wanting and lacking. Physical emotional contact. It took 20 years and my W has got the staying power of Crazy Glue! Never waivered and kept the course. For that...she gets my utmost respect, attention and desires filled without issue!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Unmet emotional needs certainly don't always end up leading to an affair, but there is some truth in this that any unmet need is a nick in the armor of the relationship.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

CantBelieveThis said:


> _"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_
> 
> 
> Quoted this from a recent article I read today....and honestly I am so tired of reading so much about spouse emotional needs not being met and that they will likely cheat....is almost now seen as a normal outcome of not meeting their needs, I see references to it almost weekly in so many articles.
> ...


I don't think any of the articles said you have to meet your spouse's emotional needs all the time.

Generally speaking, men need sexual intimacy as well as emotional intimacy. Women need sexual intimacy, too, but they need emotional intimacy in order to want the sexual, at least inside of a relationship. 

No one would say to a woman that she has to meet every sexual need/demand of her partner. If he wants it 3X a day and it's neither possible or realistic to expect that, then a compromise should be reached. This can include it being ok if he masturbates when sex isn't an option. Same thing for emotional needs. If a woman needs her man emotionally for EVERYTHING and a man must meet her EVERY emotional need, then she's needy and insecure. She should be able to handle much of her own emotions and yet want to connect with her man emotionally so as to maintain a connection between them.

So .... I think you are taking this to an extreme due to a personal situation you find frustrating. Rather than dealing with it, you want to paint things as black and white. You would do well to look at how you are feeling and why you feel the need to go to such unrealistic extremes in your statements.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I think OPs post was to many of us BS, that is what we heard from our WS. I wasn't having my emotional needs met. I got some of that and I agree I was not perfect but well neither was my EX.

The problem is when a person decides to cheat, they too often use the I wasn't getting my emotional needs met so I deserved it message.

Yes we can all be more attentive and no there is never an excuse for cheating.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> So .... I think you are taking this to an extreme due to a personal situation you find frustrating. Rather than dealing with it, you want to paint things as black and white. You would do well to look at how you are feeling and why you feel the need to go to such unrealistic extremes in your statements.


maybe I am, but the message is definitely out there a lot - fail to meet your spouse needs and cheating is a likely outcome - perhaps not all the time but on a consistent basis, but regardless the one not having their needs met is likely to focus on whats not being met rather than see what is being met.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Acoa said:


> People like to make this leap from unmet needs to cheating. But they skip over all the work in the middle. Lazy lazy lazy. Cheating is the cowards way. Rather than confront the issue, let's just sneak around.


exactly, is my opinion that most of the time any flaw in the marriage is hugely amplified to attempt to justify the infidelity....such as "I cant be that horrible of a person to cheat, so there has to be something wrong elsewhere in my relationship"


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

In my opinion, the majority of the time it is a smoke screen laid down to obscure what the real problem is, the wayward spouse. Like you said, "any flaw in the marriage is hugely amplified to attempt to justify the infidelity."

Before anyone jumps on the bitter BS wagon, let me clarify, the majority of the time. There certainly exists instances where a wayward has been horrendously treated, EI would be an example. Still, this is just a reason for the infidelity and not an excuse for it. Plenty of people in sh*tty relationships stay faithful.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Ripper said:


> In my opinion, the majority of the time it is a smoke screen laid down to obscure what the real problem is, the wayward spouse. Like you said, "any flaw in the marriage is hugely amplified to attempt to justify the infidelity."
> 
> Before anyone jumps on the bitter BS wagon, let me clarify, the majority of the time. There certainly exists instances where a wayward has been horrendously treated, EI would be an example. Still, this is just a reason for the infidelity and not an excuse for it. Plenty of people in sh*tty relationships stay faithful.


I actually "liked" this comment, Ripper, and would like to expound on it a bit further. There is no justification for an affair. None. But, even the word "reason" needs some clarification. I felt lonely, hopeless, helpless, neglected, rejected, demoralized, bitter, angry, etc., (pick a negative adjective describing feelings and I felt it.) Those were the _"reasons"_ for my unhappiness and my vulnerability, at the time. I had communicated my feelings/unmet needs to my spouse and I had worked on my side of the road, all to no avail. But, again, those were the _reasons_ for my unhappiness and my vulnerability. But, the _reason_ I had an affair is because I chose to have an affair. I didn't see the possibility of being able to exit the marriage for at least two more years, at that point, and I didn't want to wait. 

There are many people who experience all of those things and who do not choose to be unfaithful. So, none of that is a reason or an excuse to have an affair. _Still_, I would never recommend that any spouse should systematically neglect their partner's expressed needs on an ongoing basis and expect a positive outcome. I had hit my breaking point. I wish I hadn't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> _"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_
> 
> 
> Quoted this from a recent article I read today....and honestly I am so tired of reading so much about spouse emotional needs not being met and that they will likely cheat....is almost now seen as a normal outcome of not meeting their needs, I see references to it almost weekly in so many articles.
> ...


Actually, that quote makes a fair point.

It's like saying to someone: "Take your umbrella with you, it looks like it's going to rain."

If someone doesn't take their umbrella, they'll get wet.

Same as if you ignore your wife/husband then you will not have a strong marriage.

No, I'm not saying cheating is right. But there's more than one way to cheat a spouse out of a good marriage.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

EI said:


> I would never recommend that any spouse should systematically neglect their partner's expressed needs on an ongoing basis and expect a positive outcome. I had hit my breaking point. I wish I hadn't.


very well said EI....
if only I knew, or was told by my spouse, that I was neglecting her....but I had no clue, was not discussed with me....I was totally blindsided.....and sad thing of it is that it was such a minor course correction for me in the end, easy fix.....but the affair, not so much.
I thought that this was just her that had acted like this, but I was surprised to find out how many occurrences of it I found in other cases of infidelity, where the spouses never communicated their needs not being met and decided to take matters into their own.

This is what bothers me about my original quote that I see repeated so often, why is the option of finding emotional needs in someone else highlighted so often, rather than the other healthier and less hurtful avenues....


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> very well said EI....
> if only I knew, or was told by my spouse, that I was neglecting her....but I had no clue, was not discussed with me....I was totally blindsided.....and sad thing of it is that it was such a minor course correction for me in the end, easy fix.....but the affair, not so much.
> I thought that this was just her that had acted like this, but I was surprised to find out how many occurrences of it I found in other cases of infidelity, where the spouses never communicated their needs not being met and decided to take matters into their own.
> 
> This is what bothers me about my original quote that I see repeated so often, why is the option of finding emotional needs in someone else highlighted so often, rather than the other healthier and less hurtful avenues....


I was in the same boat brother. I got a whole bunch of 'My needs weren't being met...' kind of stuff. I looked at myself very candidly and very fairly and said yes I really could have been a much better husband... I also looked at her the same way and thought, wow you know she could have been a much better wife...

I could have been a much better husband and she could have been a much better wife but she decided to cheat and ruin the family instead of talking and communicating.

I learned from my failings. 

I also feel that whatever flaws I have were greatly amplified to justify her cheating. I was not perfect, but I did pay attention to my wife, I did by her flowers, I was decent not perfect but decent.

It is important to meet the needs of your spouse but honestly I think it is just a crutch for those who stray anymore. It's a built in excuse and I just won't buy it. There is no excuse.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> _"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_
> 
> 
> Quoted this from a recent article I read today....and honestly I am so tired of reading so much about spouse emotional needs not being met and that they will likely cheat....is almost now seen as a normal outcome of not meeting their needs, I see references to it almost weekly in so many articles.
> ...


I agree. There have been times where neither my nor her emotional needs have been met. Good communication and patience can help deal with this. Cheating is never the answer. In fact, it's the most destructive response to it. 

I never took out a pen and notebook for every time I thought my emotional needs weren't met and neither has she. It comes with marriage because none of us are perfect. However, cheating just destroys everything that has been built. And then someone lands in another's lap and the those emotional needs will not always be met there either. 

We are all adults, just work the $hit out and do it without going to someone else who will only use you as a piece of meat.

In the end, noone said marriage is easy but the one thing that should be expected is the loyalty that comes with it. 

If my emotional needs aren't being met, I just grab a beer and watch the Islanders or Reds that night knowing that they'll probably be met tomorrow. No biggie. It's not like it's going to kill me. I've been through worse and I'll be through better but it will be with the same person all the time unless they are getting bedded by another man. Then all bets are off


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ripper said:


> In my opinion, the majority of the time it is a smoke screen laid down to obscure what the real problem is, the wayward spouse. Like you said, "any flaw in the marriage is hugely amplified to attempt to justify the infidelity."
> 
> Before anyone jumps on the bitter BS wagon, let me clarify, the majority of the time. There certainly exists instances where a wayward has been horrendously treated, EI would be an example. Still, this is just a reason for the infidelity and not an excuse for it. Plenty of people in sh*tty relationships stay faithful.


It appears the "emotional needs" ploy is a catch all if everything other explanation fails?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

A WS telling the BS that the reason that they cheated on them was due to unmet emotional needs, is just looking for the best excuse for what they did to the BS.

Yes, your needs weren't being met, then "Gorgeous George" steps into the picture. Now, you never would have thought that you'd have ever thought about cheating.

But you're thinking about it right now. Things haven't been going well in your marriage for some time. And now you have George to tell all your problems to.

Your Husband never asks you about your problems anymore, but George does. Your Husband never compliments you anymore, but George does. If only your Husband was more like George...

Well, how did I get to this point? What have I done that has got me thinking about George all the time?... <Light bulb on> It's really nothing that I haven't done. It's because my Husband could give a rats a$$ about me anymore... Well, if he's not going to be there for me, then maybe someone else will care enough to take an interest in me.

George cares about me. He asks me about things that my Husband hasn't in years. He's kind and thoughtful. He's there for me when ever I need to just talk about my problems.

Maybe I should just say the hell with it and file for D... But what if George and I don't end up working out?... Well, I'm not getting any younger. I wonder what George would think about this?...

Or something very similar. They're not happy. They meet someone that makes them happy. They start up with the person that's now making them happy. They blame the person that wasn't making them happy to begin with.

O.K., you weren't happy with me, but having sex with someone else was not the answer.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Couldn't agree more.

This whole 'you weren't meeting my emotional needs' crap is an childish and ridiculous excuse for cheating (same thing for unmet physical needs as well).

They are the perfect excuse for demanding change and working on the relationship or else the aggrieved spouse will consider D.

But they are zero excuse for turning into a f*cking traitor.

They are simply cowards afraid to do the work necessary themselves to work on the relationship.

And I think most of these scummy people would be shocked to discover that when a M has this kind of disconnect and distance, their BS probably feels that the WS isn't meeting THEIR needs and expectations either......but they aren't out there cheating like a POS.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Makes you wonder how committed the WS is to the M to begin with? If your spouse thinks so little of the M that the first time some swarthy talk OM/OW comes along with their load of crapola that your spouse buys that load of crap from OM/OW I question the level of commitment. They are weak and selfish. Heard the very thing from my WW. Yeah I didn't pop out of bed every day telling her how great she was and how pretty she was. Could I have done more of that? Yeah. But I didn't. And now that's on me. The other side of the coin though is WW is the least affectionate woman you will ever me. Hard to be all lovey dovey to someone so cold and distant. Always seemed she went out of her way to keep me at arms length emotionally from almost day one.

Did I love her, yep. She just made it so hard to love her. Tried to do things for her usually backfired. She would even turn things inside out and get pissed at me claiming I was trying to "show her up". I mean WTF, truly just W***T**F***. Looking back I can see how she slowly began buying POSOM crapola and it just began to pick up speed like a snowball rolling downhill until one day I suddenly was the cause of all her unhappiness. History began to be rewritten. Being punished for percieved wrongs ate at me so badly. Through all the crap she put me through I didn't cheat, I didn't go looking for someone else, I didn't go crying to the first shoulder I could find. Not only were my needs not met they were stomped on and finally totally ignored.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

EI said:


> ...
> There are many people who experience all of those things and who do not choose to be unfaithful. So, none of that is a reason or an excuse to have an affair. _Still_, I would never recommend that any spouse should systematically neglect their partner's expressed needs on an ongoing basis and expect a positive outcome. *I had hit my breaking point*. I wish I hadn't.


I would expand upon this ... there is absolutely no way anyone can guarantee they will not hit their breaking point again (albeit perhaps for a different reason). The question I ask the WS is: *What boundaries do you now have that would have closed the door to the PA in the first place? *

Affaircare has correctly noted that a PA/EA happen by way of many small decisions. At some point, there needed to be a hard stop, one that is easy to see and simple to respond to. 

"I will not have another affair", is not a boundary. "I will not communicate clandestinely ever again" is a boundary. In my mind, reconciliation is wholly dependent on the establishment and defense of these new boundaries. Anything less is 'hopium'.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Unmet emotional needs certainly don't always end up leading to an affair, but there is some truth in this *that any unmet need is a nick in the armor of the relationship*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> _"It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you."_
> 
> 
> Quoted this from a recent article I read today....and honestly I am so tired of reading so much about spouse emotional needs not being met and that they will likely cheat....is almost now seen as a normal outcome of not meeting their needs


I'm right there with you. And its mimicked by many a WS here as a justification.




> why is it that this message is being sent so much, that if you dont provide all the emotional needs of your spouse they will likely cheat and get them met somewhere else??


Because cheating POS have to justify it somehow.

I was severely neglected by my x-wife, as hard as I tried to get her to engage with me emotionally, sexually, etc. Never once did I say to myself, or her, "if I don't get my needs met by you, I'll get them elsewhere".

Before I do that I'd consider divorce. But actually in my case, I just learned to do without and occupied my time to meet other needs, such as guitar playing, home improvement projects, etc.


So yes, right there with you getting sick and tired of the "reasons", "excuses", and "justifications"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EI said:


> I felt lonely, hopeless, helpless, neglected, rejected, demoralized, bitter, angry, etc., (pick a negative adjective describing feelings and I felt it.) Those were the _"reasons"_ for my unhappiness and my vulnerability, at the time. I had communicated my feelings/unmet needs to my spouse and I had worked on my side of the road, all to no avail. But, again, those were the _reasons_ for my unhappiness and my vulnerability. But, the _reason_ I had an affair is because I chose to have an affair. I didn't see the possibility of being able to exit the marriage for at least two more years, at that point, and I didn't want to wait.
> 
> There are many people who experience all of those things and who do not choose to be unfaithful. So, none of that is a reason or an excuse to have an affair. _Still_, *I would never recommend that any spouse should systematically neglect their partner's expressed needs on an ongoing basis and expect a positive outcome*.


Excellent post, EI. :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I don't expect a positive outcome for people who neglect their spouse either. But then again I don't expect a spouse to go out and f*** other people.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> I would expand upon this ... there is absolutely no way anyone can guarantee they will not hit their breaking point again (albeit perhaps for a different reason). The question I ask to WS is: *What boundaries do you now have that would have closed the door to the PA in the first place? *
> 
> Affaircare has correctly noted that a PA/EA happen by way of many small decisions. At some point, there needed to be a hard stop, one that is easy to see and simple to respond to.
> 
> "I will not have another affair", is not a boundary. "I will not communicate clandestinely ever again" is a boundary. In my mind, reconciliation is wholly dependent on the establishment and defense of these new boundaries. Anything less is 'hopium'.


Jung admirer,

I could respond to your question, but it would take some time for me to put my thoughts into words that would be appropriate for something as sensitive and destructive as infidelity. Especially, when responding to a thread that is primarily made up of BH's. There is already an angry tone to the thread, (though, not in your post) and when that's the case, my comments tend only to create dissension amongst those who are already posting. I can already see that potential on this thread. 

I wanted you to know that I'm not intentionally ignoring your question, but in the interest of not participating in the derailing of another thread, that would possibly be closed by the mods, I am going to sit the remainder of this one out. I'm sorry.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Never once did I say to myself, or her, "if I don't get my needs met by you, I'll get them elsewhere". *Amen to that vell. How hard is it to be honorable? I guess it's just not in a WS.*
> 
> Before I do that I'd consider divorce. But actually in my case, I just learned to do without and occupied my time to meet other needs, such as guitar playing, home improvement projects, etc.
> *Yeap did some of that too. Expanded the deck on the pool three times, finished the bonus room above the garage, landscaped the hell out of the yard, etc.....*
> ...


*Maybe the WS have a hard time looking in the mirror and admitting they made a stupid and damaging choice with lasting consequences.*


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

:iagree:

I've said it before. What is the difference between spouses that are neglected that cheat, and spouses that are neglected that don't? 

Answer: Character


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vellocet said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I've said it before. What is the difference between spouses that are neglected that cheat, and spouses that are neglected that don't?
> 
> Answer: Character


 :iagree:

I would like to add:
Class
Moral Compass
Respect
Responsible
Accountable.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

EI said:


> Jung admirer,
> 
> I could respond to your question, but it would take some time for me to put my thoughts into words that would be appropriate for something as sensitive and destructive as infidelity. Especially, when responding to a thread that is primarily made up of BH's. There is already an angry tone to the thread, (though, not in your post) and when that's the case, my comments tend only to create dissension amongst those who are already posting. I can already see that potential on this thread.
> 
> I wanted you to know that I'm not intentionally ignoring your question, but in the interest of not participating in the derailing of another thread, that would possibly be closed by the mods, I am going to sit the remainder of this one out. I'm sorry.


The fact that you validate the question is more important than any response to a particular case. Thanks for responding. Kindest Regards-


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Meeting emotional needs doesn't affair proof a marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I have stayed away from this thread for several reasons, but against my better judgement I'm going to risk the 2X4's coming out. The first two weeks after d-day I heard the unmet emotional needs from my WW. This angered me and pushed me away, it made me feel responsible for her affair. I have since learned I am not at fault and the affair is my WW choice. A bad choice which she regrets each and every day. Prior to the affair our marriage was not what I considered bad. We had our arguments but worked them out. We talked but not nearly enough as each of us has said there should be better communication. What did surprise me is that my WW said she thought our marriage was over. I had never heard that from her until after d-day. 

After I decided to reconcile I examined me, who I was, what I did to the marriage, what my shortcomings were. I self reflected as did my WW. This was painful for each of us, it needed to be done, and we talked through our pain. I finally realized that I rarely showed affection to her especially in public. Now by this I mean putting my arm around her, holding her hand, or even giving her a quick kiss. I'm not an affectionate person outside my home. My WW thought she was ugly, that I wasn't attracted to her, that I didn't want to be with her, and so on. That is actually farthest from the truth, I just failed to be affectionate in public. 

So I heard the you didn't support my needs argument. Now when OM came along he showered her with compliments and was more than willing to give her affection. So began the EA and eventually became a PA. It was also the destruction of me. Part of me is still amazed that my WW was able to cheat, I always believed it would never happen. I'm wrong, and it did happen. To this day my WW is angry I didn't show her that affection but she is even more angry with her choices. At that time she was lonely, starving for affection, and I never showed that to her. I wasn't vulnerable to her, I needed to listen to her but I tuned her out when she spoke. 

I should have been a better husband, she should have been a better wife, and we are both striving to be this. I own my mistakes in the marriage as does my WW, she also owns her affair. As I examined my actions before the affair I see my errors, but I didn't deserve her affair. We have talked about this a number of times since d-day, and I desperately wish I could go back in time to correct my flaws as does my WW. It took me long time to admit my errors, it won't take me long to correct this error. 

Maybe not having your needs met is an excuse, a cop out, but I understand my WW position when she speaks of this now. I'm thankful that my WW has not kept using this as an excuse. After the affair, and this took some time, I realized I had shut her out as she did yet, she also pushed, not all my needs were met either. So the marriage was broken by both spouses. I see now that maybe it's not an excuse and has some credibility. Just my opinion on my situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA; there is no excuse for cheating.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I have stayed away from this thread for several reasons, but against my better judgement I'm going to risk the 2X4's coming out. The first two weeks after d-day I heard the unmet emotional needs from my WW. This angered me and pushed me away, it made me feel responsible for her affair. I have since learned I am not at fault and the affair is my WW choice. A bad choice which she regrets each and every day. Prior to the affair our marriage was not what I considered bad. We had our arguments but worked them out. We talked but not nearly enough as each of us has said there should be better communication. What did surprise me is that my WW said she thought our marriage was over. I had never heard that from her until after d-day.
> 
> After I decided to reconcile I examined me, who I was, what I did to the marriage, what my shortcomings were. I self reflected as did my WW. This was painful for each of us, it needed to be done, and we talked through our pain. *I finally realized that I rarely showed affection to her especially in public.* *Now by this I mean putting my arm around her, holding her hand, or even giving her a quick kiss. *I'm not an affectionate person outside my home. *My WW thought she was ugly, that I wasn't attracted to her, that I didn't want to be with her, and so on.* That is actually farthest from the truth, I just failed to be affectionate in public.
> 
> ...



Drift on, what I made bold I heard from my W for 20 years. She did not make a move to find affection outside of the marriage. She stayed the course and looked to what I did do correctly in the relationship. She accepted I was not the affectionate type. She focused on my good qualities. Like you, I owned my failings in not listening to my W all those years. I corrected the problem. For me, it was a light went off in my head that I was screwing up this portion of the relationship. I was able to correct it and our marriage is that much better for it. 

If I could turn back time for you I would in a heart beat. Sometimes I wish we had a reset button.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Drift on, what I made bold I heard from my W for 20 years. She did not make a move to find affection outside of the marriage. She stayed the course and looked to what I did do correctly in the relationship. She accepted I was not the affectionate type. She focused on my good qualities. Like you, I owned my failings in not listening to my W all those years. I corrected the problem. For me, it was a light went off in my head that I was screwing up this portion of the relationship. I was able to correct it and our marriage is that much better for it.
> 
> If I could turn back time for you I would in a heart beat. Sometimes I wish we had a reset button.


*Most everyone would love to Monday morning quarterback their M especially people on here. Bottom line once actions (or lack there of) are committed you can't take them back. The real problem is an A is so severe of an attack on the M and the BS. Now there is something worse than not meeting someone's emotional needs, now there's damage to a M that maybe can be repaired. *


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Maybe not having your needs met is an excuse, a cop out, but I understand my WW position when she speaks of this now.


But would I be correct in saying that you examine yourself FOR yourself and the marriage, and not because you are trying to keep her from cheating again?

Because IMO if the reason one bends over backwards to meet the needs of the cheating spouse is out of fear or to prevent them from straying again, whats the point?

Yes, work on the marriage, the whole needs thing. But not to keep infidelity at bay. If its for that reason, no thanks. The cheating spouse isn't worth it if its tantamount to blackmail.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Drift on, what I made bold I heard from my W for 20 years. She did not make a move to find affection outside of the marriage. She stayed the course and looked to what I did do correctly in the relationship. She accepted I was not the affectionate type. She focused on my good qualities. Like you, I owned my failings in not listening to my W all those years. I corrected the problem. For me, it was a light went off in my head that I was screwing up this portion of the relationship. I was able to correct it and our marriage is that much better for it.
> 
> If I could turn back time for you I would in a heart beat. Sometimes I wish we had a reset button.




I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes, but I could have fixed this. Instead in a vulnerable position she got played. What I wouldn't give for a reset button!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

loyallad said:


> *Most everyone would love to Monday morning quarterback their M especially people on here. Bottom line once actions (or lack there of) are committed you can't take them back. The real problem is an A is so severe of an attack on the M and the BS. Now there is something worse than not meeting someone's emotional needs, now there's damage to a M that maybe can be repaired. *




One shot at reconciliation, I think that would be all I could give. Even if she does everything right, I only have enough for this one shot. We are doing better, but the price we are paying is steep in emotional damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

vellocet said:


> But would I be correct in saying that you examine yourself FOR yourself and the marriage, and not because you are trying to keep her from cheating again?
> 
> Because IMO if the reason one bends over backwards to meet the needs of the cheating spouse is out of fear or to prevent them from straying again, whats the point?
> 
> Yes, work on the marriage, the whole needs thing. But not to keep infidelity at bay. If its for that reason, no thanks. The cheating spouse isn't worth it if its tantamount to blackmail.




You are correct in working on myself for myself. I can't do it for her, I need to be the best me I can be. She needs to do the same, then when we are the best we can be we work on the marriage. I can't affair proof the marriage, that has been proven, nor can I control her from cheating. I will correct my shortcomings in the marriage, I will be the best me, I don't see that as bending over backwards but working on me to be a better person. I love her, I'm in love with her, and she is with me. I believe we have a solid chance of making it, we both are working towards the same goal and communicating better then before. She will move mountains to make this work and I've worked very hard at fixing what was broken with me. For the first time since d-day I see us making it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

My wife is not meeting my needs for sex with a 20 year old supermodel. 

Guess its okay if i cheat.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Acoa said:


> The assumption seems to be that the spouse is unable to ask for their needs to be met, or unable to refrain from cheating in order to meet them.
> 
> Providing that someone is not "needy", it should be easy to ask for what you need. You won't always get it. If you never get them met, something is broke, identify it and fix it.
> 
> ...


This is exactly where I am. My husband actually said to me "she was there for me when you weren't". He ignored my requests for us to get counseling, claims that I *never* paid him any attention for the last year (not true), and instead sought out another woman for an EA. I'm still (it's only been 5 days since I found out) trying to get through in his head that the state of our marriage was never an excuse to do what he did, AND he made this choice, not me.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

vellocet said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I've said it before. What is the difference between spouses that are neglected that cheat, and spouses that are neglected that don't?
> 
> Answer: Character


Exactly.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

I've never bought this premise. It's a major excuse and actually a veiled threat. Fulfill all my emotional needs or I'll screw other people. What kind of a life would that be?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> I've never bought this premise. It's a major excuse and actually a veiled threat. Fulfill all my emotional needs or I'll screw other people. What kind of a life would that be?



I can only comment on my marriage, cheating was my WW choice solely, the marriage is on both of us. I know what I did, more than I admit here, I was a poor excuse of a husband. Difficult for me to admit but I never abused her, physically or verbally. It's not an excuse it was a shortcoming by ME that I am responsible for. Self reflection has shown what I did wrong. Same for my WW. Cheating was wrong and most definitely not the answer. But it happened. I'm destroyed because of it. Nobody will know what either of us did in a few short paragraphs. I know what I did because I lived it, same goes for my WW. We both failed ourselves, our marriage, and now we see there is one shot to correct everything.

I had to accept many items I thought I never could. So has my WW. I had to accept my failures as does she. The goal is reconciliation. That goal isn't just the marriage, that would be foolish. We have to reconcile the marriage AND ourselves. What is the point in reconciling the marriage if you don't reconcile with yourself. You have to make changes in all facets of your life. You have to be willing to see that you aren't perfect, you made mistakes, you made bad choices, but both have to forgive those trespasses. Yes I've been angry, in a rage, but it has to be let go of. I want to heal, I don't want how I'm living life at the moment. So I have to change, my WW has to change. 

I want peace and happiness. I wish infidelity never happened to anyone. Sadly that's not the case though. Most people here don't want to be in their situation. We all take the path that is best for us. Mine is reconciliation. That means me and my WW need to change or this won't work. I take no responsibility for her affair, I do take responsibility in the marriage. By not taking responsibility of the marriage am I threatening her to be a poor husband? It's called humility, seeing what you did wrong then taking action to correct your wrongs. I will be a better man and husband by taking this path. I guess the 2X4's and hammers will start flying now! 

This is my situation, yours is different, if everything were the same in all cases then one reply would fit everyone and their wouldn't need to be a website like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

No 2×4's from me. Beautiful post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I can only comment on my marriage, cheating was my WW choice solely, the marriage is on both of us. I know what I did, more than I admit here, I was a poor excuse of a husband. Difficult for me to admit but I never abused her, physically or verbally. It's not an excuse it was a shortcoming by ME that I am responsible for. Self reflection has shown what I did wrong. Same for my WW. Cheating was wrong and most definitely not the answer. But it happened. I'm destroyed because of it. Nobody will know what either of us did in a few short paragraphs. I know what I did because I lived it, same goes for my WW. We both failed ourselves, our marriage, and now we see there is one shot to correct everything.
> 
> I had to accept many items I thought I never could. So has my WW. I had to accept my failures as does she. The goal is reconciliation. That goal isn't just the marriage, that would be foolish. We have to reconcile the marriage AND ourselves. What is the point in reconciling the marriage if you don't reconcile with yourself. You have to make changes in all facets of your life. You have to be willing to see that you aren't perfect, you made mistakes, you made bad choices, but both have to forgive those trespasses. Yes I've been angry, in a rage, but it has to be let go of. I want to heal, I don't want how I'm living life at the moment. So I have to change, my WW has to change.
> 
> ...



This is a good post. No matter how similar some situations appear, every relationship is different. My wife's mid life freak out, and I'm talking full on clinical depression level freak out, led her to very self-destructive behavior. Nobody knew. She confided in no one. Not even OM. She knew he was a POS the whole time. She just wanted to destroy herself. I'm learning all this now. She loved me and her kids but not herself. She was a superb actress because nobody knew. Of course the affair is 100% her responsibility and she does admit that and own it but I know this POSOM also had a history of preying on vulnerable women behind his wife's back. We came to find out he had done this before but it was never discovered. He had a fling with another married woman that was having some personal emotional issues and was vulnerable.

Anyway, we're doing much better, working through everything and it looks like you are too. That's awesome. Good luck.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> No 2×4's from me. Beautiful post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes indeed....i enjoy reading his posts, very enlightening!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> My wife is not meeting my needs for sex with a 20 year old supermodel.
> 
> Guess its okay if i cheat.


Seems reasonable...if you are a unreasonable person. 

:scratchhead:


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I've never been a fan of the emotional needs religion, which I consider wants, btw.

Let me suggest an exercise for each of you who take the time to read of this.

First; close your eyes... think back and imagine a time in your life, or an episode, where you really, really wanted or needed something, and you didn't get it. How did it make you feel? Good, frustrated or indifferent?

Next; still with your eyes closed.... think back and imagine an episode in your life where you didn't expect anything from anyone, and suddenly you were surprised by someone who did something that you really really liked. How did it make you feel? Good, frustrated or indifferent?

Now, store these two feelings in the back of your mind, while we're creating two master plans.

First; in your mind you create an action plan where your goal is to constantly and consistantly work to have other people fullfill all your needs, wants and desires. You see it as their responsibility.

Second; in your mind you create an action plan where you expect and demand nothing from anything and anyone. Sometimes, maybe even often, your outcome will superseed your expectations, at other times, it's just... meh.

Now, answer this question: Which one of these master plans do you think will bring the most good feelings and happyness - on average?

And which one do you believe is the easiest to implement if you disregard old habits?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I'm more inclined to believe in the late Dr Shirley Glass' premise that affairs are a product of crossing boundaries. For how can you explain how many married people exist who do not have their emotional needs met and still do not cheat on their spouses? Or how can you explain how many married people exist who do have their emotional needs met and yet go on to cheat on their spouses? There can be no affair if no boundaries are crossed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> This is a good post. No matter how similar some situations appear, every relationship is different. My wife's mid life freak out, and I'm talking full on clinical depression level freak out, led her to very self-destructive behavior. Nobody knew. She confided in no one. Not even OM. She knew he was a POS the whole time. She just wanted to destroy herself. I'm learning all this now. She loved me and her kids but not herself. She was a superb actress because nobody knew. Of course the affair is 100% her responsibility and she does admit that and own it but I know this POSOM also had a history of preying on vulnerable women behind his wife's back. We came to find out he had done this before but it was never discovered. He had a fling with another married woman that was having some personal emotional issues and was vulnerable.
> 
> Anyway, we're doing much better, working through everything and it looks like you are too. That's awesome. Good luck.




KingwoodKev

All of reconciliation is difficult and humiliating for me. One of the biggest keys is letting go of the anger. I haven't done this completely yet but I go in my garage and let the anger go. The anger and rage are the enemy of reconciliation. You need to show love towards your spouse, she already knows your anger and rage. I hate living when I see death as the answer, I have to change. No punishment I or you could impose on our spouses is more severe then what and how they feel. 

Think how you would feel knowing you destroyed your family in the most destructive way. Try living with that each day, I see my WW cry every day over her actions that nearly destroyed me completely. My WW and yours need to see our love again if you want to reconcile. You aren't submitting, your showing strength for her, your showing you are strong enough to give a second chance with honor and dignity.

KingwoodKev, I know you are hurting terribly, I know you're angry, but find a way to let that anger go. You are an honorable person, show that to your spouse if you want reconciliation. I'm not saying to forget and trust unconditionally, trust will be earned slowly but it can be earned back. Show her the man she married that has changed for the better because you have changed. 

I wish you well in reconciliation, best of luck.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> No 2×4's from me. Beautiful post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


pidge70

Thank you for the kind words, I was relieved to find I haven't been beat up yet.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> yes indeed....i enjoy reading his posts, very enlightening!!!



CantBelieveThis

Thank you for the kind words, nobody has ever said that about my posts. Quite humbled at the moment.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

cpacan said:


> I've never been a fan of the emotional needs religion, which I consider wants, btw.


I tend to consider the phrase "emotional needs" as misleading. I much prefer the term "marital needs" because if they are not satisfied, then the marriage becomes sickly and subject to dying.



> Let me suggest an exercise for each of you who take the time to read of this.
> 
> First; close your eyes... think back and imagine a time in your life, or an episode, where you really, really wanted or needed something, and you didn't get it. How did it make you feel? Good, frustrated or indifferent?
> 
> ...


The second one of course and that's the premise of Dr Robert Glover's book "No More Mr Nice Guy" where, in this case the husband, creates "covert contracts" with his wife. But wives also fall into the same mindset of the "Nice Guy" and like their husbands, become angry and bitter when their covert contracts are not being fulfilled. It is also the mindset that another person can make us happy, which is utterly false.

Lack of fulfillment of "emotional needs" may not affair proof a marriage but they will kill it eventually, affair or no.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Yes, but your premise is that there is such a thing as emotional needs, which I don't. They're self invented.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Actually they are needs, everybody needs to feel loved, even if you are alone you strive to feel the love of someone. Love can be shown in many ways, affection was what I lacked in my marriage. I didn't show enough, now I do. It's a way my wife feels loved. Simple really, I was just too stupid!


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Actually they are needs, everybody needs to feel loved, even if you are alone you strive to feel the love of someone. Love can be shown in many ways, affection was what I lacked in my marriage. I didn't show enough, now I do. It's a way my wife feels loved. Simple really, I was just too stupid!



drifting on, you remind me so much of B1. Your post reminds me of one of my favorites quotes (I live in the land of quotes.) 

_"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." ~ Maya Angelou _


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I think we get stuck on the phrase "emotional needs" instead of emotional expectations or desires. But be that as it may, *nobody* gets married solely have a roommate with fiduciary responsibilities or to have another a tax exemption.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Actually they are needs, everybody needs to feel loved, even if you are alone you strive to feel the love of someone. Love can be shown in many ways, affection was what I lacked in my marriage. I didn't show enough, now I do. It's a way my wife feels loved. Simple really, I was just too stupid!


They are "needs" solely in the context of a married couple. They are essential to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. It's like being in a job where your fellow co-workers or team members expect you to not only do your job but do theirs as well. You won't be a happy employee and the time will come when you will have had enough and volt whether there is another job already waiting or not.

As far as "everybody needs to feel loved" it smacks of taking more than giving, and giving is one of the basic elements of true love. A person who only has romantic love for another but not real love as well, is not a person who will be suited for a committed relationship like marriage. It is a person who will most likely be looking for her/his next source of dopamine. Sadly this often the case when people get married, and choose a spouse who as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, will emotionally check out of the marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> drifting on, you remind me so much of B1. Your post reminds me of one of my favorites quotes (I live in the land of quotes.)
> 
> _"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." ~ Maya Angelou _




I'm speechless, in a good way, thank you so very much for your words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> They are "needs" solely in the context of a married couple. They are essential to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. It's like being in a job where your fellow co-workers or team members expect you to not only do your job but do theirs as well. You won't be a happy employee and the time will come when you will have had enough and volt whether there is another job already waiting or not.
> 
> As far as "everybody needs to feel loved" it smacks of taking more than giving, and giving is one of the basic elements of true love. A person who only has romantic love for another but not real love as well, is not a person who will be suited for a committed relationship like marriage. It is a person who will most likely be looking for her/his next source of dopamine. Sadly this often the case when people get married, and choose a spouse who as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, will emotionally check out of the marriage.



I agree with some of this post. However, whether single or married people need to feel loved. Any kind of love, whether from a friend, spouse, parent, whatever, they need to feel loved. I understand what you are saying here, but imagine yourself married or not, would you need to feel love from someone, anyone? If you don't feel that you are loved could you survive being that alone? Friendship is a love, not the same as romantic but love, everybody needs to feel loved. 

Agree to disagree maybe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Actually they are needs, everybody needs to feel loved, even if you are alone you strive to feel the love of someone. Love can be shown in many ways, affection was what I lacked in my marriage. I didn't show enough, now I do. It's a way my wife feels loved. Simple really, I was just too stupid!


Ok then, I'll follow your lead. I struggled with this for quite a while. 

After D-day I discovered that I have a distinct need to feel safe and secure in my close relationships. So these are my emotional needs. How will my wife be able to provide this?? How will anyone? I think it's an illusion.

What do you think? Do you think the solution to this should be me pushing and pressuring her to make certain that I feel safe? This is IMO an impossible task. Maybe I would spend my time better by accepting that the only certain thing in this world is uncertainty - and then learn to deal with and handle this uncertainty?

My experience so far is that one solution makes me miserable, the other makes my everyday life manageable.

Or would it be an acceptable (or understandable) solution for me to cheat on her because she can't meet my most important emotional need?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I agree with some of this post. However, whether single or married people need to feel loved. Any kind of love, whether from a friend, spouse, parent, whatever, they need to feel loved. I understand what you are saying here, but imagine yourself married or not, would you need to feel love from someone, anyone? If you don't feel that you are loved could you survive being that alone? Friendship is a love, not the same as romantic but love, everybody needs to feel loved.


Absolutely. We *want* to be loved by those closest to us. But how do we *want* that love to be expressed to us vs how those closest to us choose to express it to us? 



> Agree to disagree maybe?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure. My ego can take the hit


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> *As far as "everybody needs to feel loved" it smacks of taking more than giving, and giving is one of the basic elements of true love. * A person who only has romantic love for another but not real love as well, is not a person who will be suited for a committed relationship like marriage. It is a person who will most likely be looking for her/his next source of dopamine. Sadly this often the case when people get married, and choose a spouse who as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, will emotionally check out of the marriage.


I don't think that's what most people here are referring to when they speak of unmet needs. At least I hope not. I _needed_ for my husband to be an active and present co-parent with me, to our (then) 4 teenaged sons, who were all still living at home. I needed to be able to discuss things like financial planning, our home, and our health, without being told that if I didn't have anything positive to say, then to not speak to him at all. And, I needed to know that no matter how challenging our life became, that at the end of the day, I could count on lying in bed, beside my husband, wrapped in his arms, and in the security of knowing that he and I would always face our challenges together. 

My unmet need wasn't about him not holding my hand in public. It was about not having him kick my feet away in the bed when I put my feet on his, in what was an attempt to be an affectionate gesture. My unmet need was about not having him clamp his arm down so tightly to his side, that it prevented me from putting my arm around him in bed. 

My unmet needs also included the need for affection, companionship, hugging, kissing, and making love. Some of you may say that intimacy is only a desire, and not a need. I say, that's good for you. Sure, I can buy a vibrator, but unless it is attached to a warm body, with a heartbeat, and some kind words, I find it lacks a certain amount of intimacy. While the marriage vows are very clear that we are to _forsake all others,_ we must also remember _never to forsake each other._


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dogbert, your avatar makes it so hard to take your posts seriously! You're killin' me!  LOL


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## destroyd (Feb 20, 2015)

I also got the "emotional needs not being met" justification from my WW. She could not handle the relationship morphing into long term (11 years married, mortgage, two kids, declining job market etc... ). I was struggling with losing my elderly mother to terminal illness, managing several properties we own, and facing round after round of layoffs at my professional career of 18 years. Yes, looking back I took her somewhat for granted during this time. She had refused to offer help with my mother's situation and actually resented me doing anything for my sick parent. I was finally layed off and devastated. A new younger boss came into her workplace and she was screwing him within four months. He worked with her 8-10 hours a day, and they had to travel on business together. He was apparently "there for her". Yeah, I'm bitter. All of the things that prevented intimacy and destroyed emotional connection between us were of our own making. It just got too much for her to sustain and she checked out.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

cpacan said:


> Ok then, I'll follow your lead. I struggled with this for quite a while.
> 
> After D-day I discovered that I have a distinct need to feel safe and secure in my close relationships. So these are my emotional needs. How will my wife be able to provide this?? How will anyone? I think it's an illusion.
> 
> ...



cpacan

It is on the WS to make you feel safe in your relationship with them after infidelity. My WW did this in many ways, gave me her schedule for the day, took photos in her office showing where she was, and so many other ways. That was on her. I felt insecure with other close relationships also, I found it to be humiliation. I was humiliated by what my WW had done. I stayed away from family at gatherings sitting by myself, I didn't want to go out with friends. My confidence and self esteem were at a new low. It is on me to fix that, as much as it if I'm happy. Happiness comes from within you not your spouse. Your confidence and self esteem is yours to fix. As far as cheating because she doesn't make you feel safe or confident that's on you. I said the cheating was hers to own but my inabilities as a husband made her vulnerable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Absolutely. We *want* to be loved by those closest to us. But how do we *want* that love to be expressed to us vs how those closest to us choose to express it to us?
> 
> 
> 
> Sure. My ego can take the hit



I feel in my opinion that everyone needs to feel love. I don't see love as a want. I don't feel you could survive without love. Again just my opinion. 

As for the agree to disagree it certainly wasn't meant as a hit. I have respect for your posts and enjoy reading them. Nobody agrees all of the time. My situation is I pushed my wife away and didn't meet her needs. That's on me. Each situation is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> I don't think that's what most people here are referring to when they speak of unmet needs. At least I hope not. I _needed_ for my husband to be an active and present co-parent with me, to our (then) 4 teenaged sons, who were all still living at home. I needed to be able to discuss things like financial planning, our home, and our health, without being told that if I didn't have anything positive to say, then to not speak to him at all. And, I needed to know that no matter how challenging our life became, that at the end of the day, I could count on lying in bed, beside my husband, wrapped in his arms, and in the security of knowing that he and I would always face our challenges together.
> 
> My unmet need wasn't about him not holding my hand in public. It was about not having him kick my feet away in the bed when I put my feet on his, in what was an attempt to be an affectionate gesture. My unmet need was about not having him clamp his arm down so tightly to his side, that it prevented me from putting my arm around him in bed.
> 
> My unmet needs also included the need for affection, companionship, hugging, kissing, and making love. Some of you may say that intimacy is only a desire, and not a need. I say, that's good for you. Sure, I can buy a vibrator, but unless it is attached to a warm body, with a heartbeat, and some kind words, I find it lacks a certain amount of intimacy. While the marriage vows are very clear that we are to _forsake all others,_ we must also remember _never to forsake each other._




I couldn't agree more with this post. I also had needs not met but not like I did to my WW. Now that we are reconciling I see what I did to her and I was a poor husband. As for the intimacy, that is very important to me which is why I was so destroyed that my WW face herself away. Took a long time to finally accept that. In fact every time I bring it up I get a pain in my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

destroyd said:


> I also got the "emotional needs not being met" justification from my WW. She could not handle the relationship morphing into long term (11 years married, mortgage, two kids, declining job market etc... ). I was struggling with losing my elderly mother to terminal illness, managing several properties we own, and facing round after round of layoffs at my professional career of 18 years. Yes, looking back I took her somewhat for granted during this time. She had refused to offer help with my mother's situation and actually resented me doing anything for my sick parent. I was finally layed off and devastated. A new younger boss came into her workplace and she was screwing him within four months. He worked with her 8-10 hours a day, and they had to travel on business together. He was apparently "there for her". Yeah, I'm bitter. All of the things that prevented intimacy and destroyed emotional connection between us were of our own making. It just got too much for her to sustain and she checked out


A fair weather wife. She's there to whoop it up during the good times and to reap the bounty but she's nowhere to be found when troubled and lean times come knocking at the door.



drifting on said:


> As for the agree to disagree it certainly wasn't meant as a hit. I have respect for your posts and enjoy reading them. Nobody agrees all of the time. My situation is I pushed my wife away and didn't meet her needs. That's on me. Each situation is different.


I know and that is why I put the smiley at the end.



EI said:


> Dogbert, your avatar makes it so hard to take your posts seriously! You're killin' me!  LOL


Hey if it brings a smile and a laugh to a broken heart, then its an honor to be the clown. The power of humor will always whoop ass :gun: anger and bitterness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

drifting on said:


> cpacan
> 
> It is on the WS to make you feel safe in your relationship with them after infidelity. My WW did this in many ways, gave me her schedule for the day, took photos in her office showing where she was, and so many other ways. That was on her. I felt insecure with other close relationships also, I found it to be humiliation. I was humiliated by what my WW had done. I stayed away from family at gatherings sitting by myself, I didn't want to go out with friends. My confidence and self esteem were at a new low. It is on me to fix that, as much as it if I'm happy. Happiness comes from within you not your spouse. Your confidence and self esteem is yours to fix. As far as cheating because she doesn't make you feel safe or confident that's on you. I said the cheating was hers to own but my inabilities as a husband made her vulnerable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Much self-awareness there, drifting on.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Emotional needs not being met
Almost everyone has a breaking point. Even John McCain was broken as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. 

Right or wrong the fact is that many will make the mistake of cheating when needs are not met. The point that I want to make is that NEEDS, emotional, sexual, and others, are extremely important for both partners to take very seriously. Why? Because the chances of your partner doing something that will wreak havoc in your whole body and emotions is very high when the needs are grossly deprived. 

I am not talking about what is fair or not because after an affair, or any other devastating event, what was fair or not does very little good. What will do some good is that you do not shy away, ignore, or rationalize away the fact that almost everyone has a breaking point; no matter if it is good, bad, ugly, right or wrong. When they break you can R or D and do nothing about needs or you can R or D and learn and act on how important needs are. *With the first choice you will lose again and with the second you will gain.*

By paying very close attention to the above fact you can prevent a devastating occurrence in your marriage/relationship or if the devastating event has happened then you can include meeting your spouse needs in your R. 

*No R or any relationship is going to be successful without meeting each other’s needs. IMO*


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Well, Mr. Blunt. The concept of emotional needs may be a fact to you, but that doesn't make it a universal truth or fact.

One of the problems I see with subscribing to the idea of meeting emotional needs is, that many if not most people tend to rank their own emotional needs above those of other people. Which in turn meens that it's OK to violate other peoples chance of getting their needs met in order to have your own needs fullfilled.

From my own experience, I can only say this. I once believed in the EN philosophy, first without thinking about it, later after reading the book, more consiously, but it failed me.

When you expext other people to be responsible for your happyness through meeting EN, the odds of facing disappointment and frustration, maybe even pain, are huge. 

I love my kids very much, and I tell them often and show it as much as I can. They're quite good at reciprocating which of course feels very nice, when they do. But that doesn't make it a NEED to me. If I were to expect them to say to me every day that they love me, in order to meet my emotional needs - I would probably be disappointed and starting to feel the pain of not having my emotional needs met. I don't want that.

Would you tell me that I have a very small chance of having a good, loving and successfull relationship with my children?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> Much self-awareness there, drifting on.



I was completely destroyed by my WW affair, I needed help, and I saw that as a complete weakness on my part. Truth is, I had become weak, I realized I needed to work on myself for myself before I could be of any value to a relationship. My WW sought help as she realized how broken she had become. I needed to fix me long before I was capable to work on the marriage, the same was true for my WW. Finally I feel that I am strong enough to tackle the problems of the marriage. 

I hope we make it, I feel that we have a good chance, but I'll be sure that I don't put the cart before the horse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I was completely destroyed by my WW affair


I still feel exactly the same way and sometimes I wonder if that feeling will ever change, because it hurts to the very core.....also just like you, I also feel deeply humiliated where I find it difficult to be around her family and around those few that know about the affair. And also like you  i also felt guilty at the beginning because she used the "you werent meeting my emotional needs" line when DDay!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I still feel exactly the same way and sometimes I wonder if that feeling will ever change, because it hurts to the very core.....also just like you, I also feel deeply humiliated where I find it difficult to be around her family and around those few that know about the affair. And also like you  i also felt guilty at the beginning because she used the "you werent meeting my emotional needs" line when DDay!!



I don't think that feeling will ever go away. At least at this point in time I feel that way. My core was completely destroyed and probably like you I lost everything. I almost didn't know who I was anymore, I was confused and in shock. I can say that if I hadn't found TAM prior to d-day I would not have survived. I am ever grateful too many posters here that unknowingly helped me through a most difficult time. I still have very little interactions with friends and family because of the humiliation. I'm hoping that changes for me. Before I couldn't see a future, now I see it exists which is huge for me. CantBelieveThis, I wish you well in your recovery, I hope that peace and happiness is quick to find you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By cpacan
> Well, Mr. Blunt. The concept of emotional needs may be a fact to you, but that doesn't make it a universal truth or fact


.
The fact that I was pointing out is
*"Right or wrong the fact is that many will make the mistake of cheating when needs are not met."*




> When you expext other people to be responsible for your happyness through meeting EN, the odds of facing disappointment and frustration, maybe even pain, are huge.


Right or wrong married couples expect other people to meet their emotional needs and yes huge pains can occur when not met. *That is why I said that we need to learn and act on that reality*





> Would you tell me that I have a very small chance of having a good, loving and successfull relationship with my children?


I had marriage in mind with my post not children. 


CPACAN, you can deny the reality that emotional needs are very important in a marriage but without them being met great havoc are most likely to occur. I do not know what goal and point you are presenting but I am trying to avoid great havoc by dealing with reality. I am not trying to prove a universal truth or a moral standard of right or wrong. * I am trying to avoid pain and help being successful in marriage.*


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> The fact that I was pointing out is
> *"Right or wrong the fact is that many will make the mistake of cheating when needs are not met."*
> 
> ...


And I can assure you that there is no havoc, when you don't expect anything from anyone. In fact, it's easier to enjoy the small things in life, when living in my reality, instead of living some fantasy about all the things I deserve.

Pain occurs when your idea of reality turns out to be a lie. When the end result doesn't match your expectations.

So I'll say it again - it's way easier to lower your own expectations than to change other people and make them act the way you want them to.

For example; I have no expectation of convincing you that I'm right on this one and make you think the way I do, that way I don't get too disappointed when I don't succeed 

Oh, and my goal in life is to live well, see my kids grow up, well prepared and equipped to face reality.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> .
> The fact that I was pointing out is
> "Right or wrong the fact is that many will make the mistake of cheating when needs are not met."
> ...


to Cpacan
Yes I am talking about emotional needs in marriage and not about children and singles. This forum is “Talk about MARRIAGE” so I am talking about marriage.

Cpacan, you have some interesting thoughts in your responses to me but they are not exactly on the topic I am discussing. Why don’t you start a thread about your thoughts so that a discussion can possible ensue.

By cpacan
Oh, and my goal in life is to live well, see my kids grow up, well prepared and equipped to face reality.

*Me too! Only I am married so I want to get the most out of my marriage also!*


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> to Cpacan
> Yes I am talking about emotional needs in marriage and not about children and singles. This forum is “Talk about MARRIAGE” so I am talking about marriage.
> 
> Cpacan, you have some interesting thoughts in your responses to me but they are not exactly on the topic I am discussing. Why don’t you start a thread about your thoughts so that a discussion can possible ensue.
> ...


I think my posts were very much to the point and related to OP. But I accept that you don't like my opinion and choose to deflect.

The reason I used examples of singles and children were an attempt (obviously a poor one) to reframe the issue to add more insight. I don't buy the notion that emotional needs, if they exist, only applies to marriages. Sorry, I don't know how else to explain that in a way that is more clear.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Sometimes, people realize that most of those "emotional needs" could have been better met by simply staying single.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I had the opposite situation. I was not getting any emotional support and my physical needs were not being met. I was old I need him too much and I am always asking to be with him and not giving him his own space. Well now I know what he did with his own space. About a year ago he said we were hopeless and he was never happy in our marriage bc I was too needy. I don't thinks fair first of all. He kept his social life separate since we were married. I was not aloud "in" even though we had mutual friends. I felt like I had to beg for his attention both in and out of the bedroom. The signs aren't always as clear until you take a step back. He made me sound like I was a nuisance. So he found someone else. I don't know how he could ever be any in any kind of relationship when all he wants is his privacy. The funny thing is that this girl was in his "circle" of friends and I was only an acquaintance.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

destroyd said:


> I also got the "emotional needs not being met" justification from my WW. She could not handle the relationship morphing into long term (11 years married, mortgage, two kids, declining job market etc... ).


Some people can't handle the long term. To quote the movie "To Sir, With Love"

“_Marriage is no way of life for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure_"


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *No R or any relationship is going to be successful without meeting each other’s needs. IMO*


The problem is, nobody can fulfill ALL of someone else's needs. Unless said person just isn't demanding at all.

There are some people that just think life is so unfair unless ALL of their needs are met.

Denis Leary said it best of the people that don't get everything they want

"Hey, join the f*****g club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox! Life sucks, get a ****ing helmet!"


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