# No sex/affection - don't respect my husband



## tracy222

I'm new here so here's a quick background:

Married 7 years now. 2 kids under the age of 5. I operate my own small business out of the home, and watch the kids full time, my husband is on the road a lot and works 12-16 hour days.

Since having kids I feel things have changed greatly. I used to look up to my husband and loved him like crazy, had a very traditional romantic way of looking at him, and I think he liked that. But since having kids, I don't like how he takes care of them, he always puts them at risk. I watch them 99% of the time and in the 20 mins that I ask him to watch them, I hear crying within 5 mins. I always come running and they reach their arms out to me, like they're scared of him (and how he puts them at risk). My daughter is only 15 mos and he pushes her so hard to walk, tells me that if she falls, she'll "learn". I think it is heartless and mean, so I don't let him have them very often. I went as far as to book us for family counselling last Fall and at least he learned a little something then, and is now better with our 4 y.o. boy. He's not scared of daddy anymore. The kids are safe because I'm with them 99% of the time. 

The issue is that I just don't even like my husband anymore. When I look at him, I feel so much hurt and almost like a hatred for him, like I want to punch him.

Because I don't trust him with the kids, I get NO time to myself, I'm lucky to get 20 mins at 11 pm after our daughter goes down (she stays up really late which we have tried to correct) I want to lose the extra baby weight but I have no time to go running.. I feel so angry at him

He is so hard on me too, and puts me down, saying that I protect them too much, he says I bubble wrap them. I know I don't, I have talked to many other moms and they are all in agreement with how I treat the kids. 

I don't know what to do. There is no sex, no affection. I have always been proper and classy, well educated, etc. I take care of all the bills, the budget, all the household responsibilities. I do almost everything in our life. I feel like I don't have a partner half the time. He acts like his job is the only thing that matters. Don't get me wrong, it's important for him to have his job and I tell him all the time how much I respect him for how hard he works.. but that's not everything. 

I work really hard too and I feel like my marriage is totally breaking down and we are now looking into counselling. 

I don't know how I can get back those feelings of love for him. He also has been caught watching porn and I've also found him doing pot occasionally. He is so different from me re: taking care of things and being responsible. 

He says he loves me so much but he thinks I don't love him (sometimes he says this), then I tell him, but I do love you but I'm angry at you.. then he pulls away again

I just don't know what to do..


----------



## lastinline

Tracy, it is no wonder that you feel this way. Please go back and re-read your post and then ask yourself the question: Are you guys just doing way too much?

Obviously the kids can't be thrown overboard, but what can you do to limit your time at work? Are you in a position where you can hire someone to cover, reduce your commitment to work, or take a hiatus from your business?

As for your husband, 12-16 hours is pretty long. Frankly too long for someone who has a working spouse with two young kids. I am afraid you two are just exhausted and overwhelmed. Please for the sake of your marriage sit down and decide on what is essential and put the rest on hold for a season while you catch your breath. My guess is this will calm things down a lot.

Just one man's opinion,

LIL


----------



## papa5280

When you say your daughter is "only" 15 months and that he pushes her too hard to walk, what do you mean? Does he put her on a balance beam 3 feet off the ground? Or does he work with her in a carpeted room making her work to get to something she wants?

For what it's worth, without more information, my take is that maybe you do bubble wrap your kids. Is it possible that your nurturing and protectiveness has made you the crutch that your kids turn to when they don't want to be challenged?


----------



## This is me

In my humble opinion I would question your love for him also. Don't take that the wrong way, but your title of no sex/ affection or respect does not leave alot of room for love.

You two should seek counseling. It is always sad to read at this website about women who lose feelings for their husbands. Did the husbands change or something else?

I wish you both well.


----------



## timeforpain

The biggest problem I see in your post is this: you feel hatred toward your husband. The "no affection, no sex" is a natural by product (of course!!) from this feeling you have. Is it fixable?

It's encouraging that you had so much love for your husband before kids; if your attitude about child-rearing is the only thing that causes friction, well, that's a BIG problem, but at least you don't have problems in every aspect of your marriage (many people DO!). So perhaps this is something that can be worked on.

When I was a kid, there weren't any carseats... nor were there even seatbelts! And we walked alone to school at age 6. But the world has changed, and Americans in particular have grown very very protective of their kids. You didn't give many specifics for how you and your husband differ in child-safety, but unless you are pathological in your protection of them, you are probably just a standard modern American mom.

Dads I know are always rougher with the kids (I am with mine too), but we have to observe the basic safety rules. Car seats, of course. Don't give grapes to an infant (choking!). Don't throw your child up and catch her/him before age 2 (Shaken Baby Syndrome risk!). Put outlet covers and kiddy gates in the house when they are babies. Etc. Every dad I know would agree to all of this these days.

Your solution to your husband's different attitude toward child safety is to take care of the kids yourself. This is a horrible solution. First, it's destroying your marriage (you resent having no time for yourself, naturally!), it's destroying your health (you can't exercise), it's destroying your emotional well-being (anger, depression, exhaustion), and your husband isn't learning how to parent. And your kids are afraid of their father.

Does your husband realize this is happening? If I were in his shoes, I would be VERY concerned about all of this.


----------



## tracy222

Thanks for everyone's comments.

I appreciate the new perspective. I have to say that I am 100% certain that I do NOT bubble wrap our kids. 

My husband, I'm sure he means well but he does not understand that children take steps backwards in development if they get too hurt (especially when on your watch and they trust you). Thankfully the therapy last Fall has helped with this. However he is always letting our baby girl bump her head (hard, to the point where she screams in pain) and he never wants to take them to the Doctor,.. so I have gone many times on my own with no support and with him telling me I'm crazy or whatnot, meanwhile I will come home and they have strep or an ear infection most of the time.

It's difficult when you do not feel supported by your husband. I work so hard and I'm exhausted most of the time but I still find time to do little things for him, and still find ways of letting him know I appreciate him. (But I have to really reach in myself to do this). I'm trying so hard to find ways to give him what he needs (emotionally), we are best friends at the root, and if we weren't, we would have been done a long time ago.

We went to one counselling session but we did not really care too much for the therapist, so we're looking for someone else now. But he told her in our session that he's fine with how things are.. I'm thinking.. ???? REALLY???? He says he thinks things will improve once the kids get bigger.. which, I agree, I'm sure things will.. but what about in the mean time? There is a lot of time between now and then, and life is short, I want to enjoy my life with my partner, and not feel alone and resentful.

I'm trying to find a way to see him with the respect that I want to. I respect that he works hard, but as for the not caring for our children/pot/drinking/porn/lack of affection, etc. I don't know how to get past it and accept it. Frankly I don't want to accept it either. I know I can't change him, so now what?

What can I do to get through to him?

I'm wondering if the problem is how he thinks I see him.. as he has said that to me before. So that is what I'm asking.. how do I change my perspective towards him?


----------



## whatsup

as a guy... you're being way to overprotective of your kids and treating your husband like ****. yeah it's important to keep them out of serious danger but kids are actually stronger than you think. They heal fast and get over things a lot easier than you would. I think your kids might prefer to have a scrape on their knee and a happier family in the long run that actually has a male influence. You're stealing away your husbands responsibility and sticking it on your shoulders. In the end it's your problem. 

My suggestion: sit back, have a drink and leave him alone with the kids for a few hours. I'm sure they'll be just fine. After that try doing it more often. I'm sure they will be just fine then too. It's easy to feel like you're the only one capable in the world of protecting your kids but just because he does it differently doesn't mean its much worse. If you give him the chance to try it without criticizing his every move afterwards then eventually your opinion might change when you realize they just fine when he's looking after them.


----------



## HisMrs83

The one thing I've learned about being married and having a child is that the playing field (H/W) is never equal. (Sorry men), but women will always work harder and bare tons of stress. We're expected to hold down the home, children and work without any complaints and without ever being tired while maintaing a raging sex drive! 

@WhatsUp, I'm not bashing, but that's a typical male answer. 

Women who are serious about their home, H's and children can't just sit back and have a drink! As soon as we do the house is turned upside down, the H is yelling for us to come get the kids and the kids are screaming from irritation. I know it all too well. As soon as she takes a step back everything she's worked hard to maintain will go straight downhill. 

OP ... About losing the access weight... I had to start getting up at 4:15a.m. to get to the gym before the H and baby woke up. You have to find the time to make YOURSELF happy, too. Even if it means sacrificing sleep. 

I know it's not easy trying to raise a proper family w/o much help. But you're going to have to find a way, Dear. 

In the meantime, try MC or IC to start dealing with YOUR issues.

And one last thought for the men, I don't care how many hours you put in on a 9 to 5, NO JOB is as tedious as caring for young children! We as moms love them to death but it's not an easy task! And when you have more than 1 you want to care for them ALL as best as you can. Which often leaves us no time for ourselves, overweight and cranky!


----------



## mompres

tracy222 said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments.
> 
> However he is always letting our baby girl bump her head (hard, to the point where she screams in pain).
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> I am not discounting the rest of what you are saying but I don't understand how he is "letting" her bump her head. And how are you preventing her from bumping her head. Unless you are walking around with your hand on her head she will bump it. It sounds loke maybe you are overprotective. That doesn't mean that he isn't too rough. But maybe both of you need to find a middle ground on this part of the problem.


----------



## papa5280

tracy222 said:


> I watch them 99% of the time and in the 20 mins that I ask him to watch them, I hear crying within 5 mins. I always come running and they reach their arms out to me, like they're scared of him (and how he puts them at risk). My daughter is only 15 mos and he pushes her so hard to walk, tells me that if she falls, she'll "learn". I think it is heartless and mean, so I don't let him have them very often.
> 
> The kids are safe because I'm with them 99% of the time.
> 
> Because I don't trust him with the kids, I get NO time to myself, I'm lucky to get 20 mins at 11 pm after our daughter goes down (she stays up really late which we have tried to correct)


The quoted sections above are the red flags for me that, perhaps, you are contributing to the problem. I'm not discounting that he may be too rough, but when you hear crying you ALWAYS come running? You have sent your kids the message that dad isn't to be trusted and mommy will protect them...whether or not they really are in danger. You have trained your kids to scream bloody murder, and you will comfort them. They have trained you to run to them on command.

I'm guessing that your daughter stays up until 11 because she cries when you put her down, and has also trained you to come comfort her every time she does.

ALL kids hit their heads sometimes...hard and painfully. That IS one way they learn and grow. 

You mention your daughter bumping her head. What other "risky" situations has your husband put your kids through? Does he dangle the kids over the balcony by their ankles? Does he play Mumblety-peg with them (look it up)?

The core problem, as I'm hearing it, has little to do with his parenting style and everything to do with the two of you being exhausted and drifting apart because of the time commitments in your lives.

But, I'm just some stranger on the internet, who has read a couple of paragraphs that you wrote. I'm just trying to help you look at things you may not be able to see by yourself. I'm not seeing the day to day reality.


----------



## whatsup

HisMrs83 said:


> The one thing I've learned about being married and having a child is that the playing field (H/W) is never equal. (Sorry men), but women will always work harder and bare tons of stress.
> 
> @WhatsUp, I'm not bashing, but that's a typical male answer.
> 
> 
> And one last thought for the men, I don't care how many hours you put in on a 9 to 5, NO JOB is as tedious as caring for young children! !


It was a typical male answer on purpose. OPs post represents a huge issue for a lot of men - there is a significant female population out there with children who are unable to accept that anyone else can watch their children. Sit back and have a drink was a bit of a joke fyi, but it doesn't mean OP can't trust her husband with small tasks at first. When he does those try to say good job instead of criticizing and he will try harder on the next task I'm sure. 

@ the job comments that is completely untrue. There you present a typical female response that doesn't include knowledge of how stressful working 12-16 hour days away from your family to support them really is. I can think of a number of jobs that are just as if not more stressful than raising children. Also factor in the constant knowledge that you have to keep working to support them. It's not as easy as you might think. This is not to say that full time parenting or raising kids isn't hard - I know it is. 

There was recently a study in american households and it turned out that in general both partners felt they worked harder and were less appreciated. The statistics showed that in general men spent more time actually doing a task and much more time working on difficult physical tasks but the women were often more stressed by the children.


----------



## Toshiba2020

Im just going to be honest and say it sounds a bit like you bubble wrap your kids. I your husband encouraging your young child to walk is normal, my dad this and i turned out fine. It sounds like youre sheltering your kids and pushing your husband out of the picture. Maybe he does do something things wrong, or too rough but if you only allow him 1% of the time with the kinds how is he supposed to ever learn!?!? Also, you are seeking advice from mothers with kids in the same situation, of course they will agree with you, try getting a different perspective on the situation.

Remember your spouse should come first, before raising children, before jobs, before everything, they should be the # priority in your life. As a mother you may feel raising kids is your priority but doing so will most certainly end badly. Give your kids a model of a happy healthy marriage, they will learn from it and feed off of that positive energy, making your husband your priority will teach your children to be more independent, as a result they will be more successful in life and it will make your job of raising kids far less stressful.


----------



## Toffer

Tracy,

I know I'm going to repeat alot of what other posters have already pointed out but from your responses, I don't think it's getting through to you.

"my husband is on the road a lot and works 12-16 hour days" That's a lot of time. I know because with commuting, my typical day is about 13 hours. How many hours do you spend on the home based business? Yes, I know you're watching the kids too. Just trying to get perspective.

I know that as a father of three (yes, they all survived and are now 20, 18 and 13) I was not at all comfortable when I was left with one or more of the kids. As soon as I turned my head, someone was climbing and falling off something or bumping in to something. Truth of the matter is that I was no where as comfortable around them as she was! She spent so much more time with them so of course she knew what every moan and squeal meant. How the hell was I supposed to compete with that? I'm sure your husband feels the same. The point is, you have to let him spend more time with them. Maybe he'd consider another parenting class for the youngest?

It seems to me that you are actually bringing most of these problems on yourself and then getting all stressed out and pis*ed off at your hubby!

"He also has been caught watching porn and I've also found him doing pot occasionally"

Really? You're not having sex and you wonder why he is turning to porn? 
Perhaps the reason for his interest in porn is "He says he loves me so much but he thinks I don't love him (sometimes he says this), then I tell him, but I do love you but I'm angry at you.. then he pulls away again". It's hard to be affectionate and have sex with an angry porcupine dear! Your spines are so far up in the air I can feel them here!

"he does not understand that children take steps backwards in development if they get too hurt" - While this may be true, it is also true that kids will not develop if they are too insulated from trying and failing. While you may not be "bubble wrapping" them, you may be over proctecting them.

"I still find time to do little things for him, and still find ways of letting him know I appreciate him" - How? By telling him "then I tell him, but I do love you but I'm angry at you"?

"I'm wondering if the problem is how he thinks I see him.. as he has said that to me before" - Uhhh, you can stop wondering about this one. I can guarantee it's one of the main issues here.

There's alot of good advice here that others have posted about how tired you are, that you need some alone time etc. Sorry to say but I do believe that you've brought many of these issues on to yourself. Implement some if not all these ideas and get the two of you into counseling


----------

