# Any advice will be helpful here. Overthinking?



## RaisedGarden

Hi everyone,

Quick background, Divorced 5ish years, ex wife was a serial cheater, left for the OM......

Ok So I have been through a string of post divorce relationships. Some worse than others, but I finally found the diamond in the rough. I found her on Bumble(yeah I know) and we match eachother in every way. First date both of us admitted to having butterflies, kissing her was like being in high school. We had a little distance between where we live, but we always will answer eachother's texts/calls. We hang out where we can with our busy schedules(both high level medicine) I really didn't think I could feel this way again about a woman after my divorce.

2 weeks after the whirlwind first date she was in Europe on business. She must have texted or called a thousand times in less than a week. Very much into the new relationship and I commiserated. Likes/Dislikes, our views, our backgrounds. Everything lined up. She couldn't wait to be home and neither could I. 
So, she had already put a down payment on an apartment that ironically cuts an hour off our commutes to each other before we even met online. So after her return from Europe I helped her move in to her nice new place. She had been living with family over 2 years since she divorced her controlling husband.... Everything and I know this sounds like rose colored glasses everything seemed perfect.

So after a few days after moving her in, she has become scarce. I just chalked it up to new place, getting settled in, still unpacking etc...

Last night was Friday we should have both been available, but she said she just wanted to stay in alone and finish the remaining work. No problem, I went out with friends and didn't hear from her all night. While out with my friends they wanted to see pictures of Ms. Wonderful and I pulled up the dating app to show them. My stomach sank. She had changed all the pictures to ones she took whilst in Europe that she had sent to me via text and her tag line had changed to *"I just moved to @#@#[email protected]$. I'm Looking for my next adventure. Hope you can be in it!!"* All the while she's going on and on about how great a match we are and how she wished I was with her. 

So should I just run now? She still sending good morning texts and devotional things throughout the day. "It would be dream to go on vacation with you!!" (Actually sent today) I'm getting the feeling I'm getting played here. It's been about a month, and yeah I still haven't taken down my dating apps, we haven't had the exclusive talk yet, but It seemed like it didn't have to be said. 

I really want to know what everyone's take is on this. Internet dating sucks! :loser:


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## farsidejunky

Do you really have to ask?

You need to do some serious introspection. It sounds like the type of women who give you butterflies are also the type of women who don't truly understand loyalty.

In my experience, the relationships that started out the hottest were with women who eventually showed themselves to be crazy.

So what you have to find out is why you are so attracted to women like that.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## RaisedGarden

farsidejunky said:


> Do you really have to ask?
> 
> You need to do some serious introspection. It sounds like the type of women who give you butterflies are also the type of women who don't truly understand loyalty.
> 
> In my experience, the relationships that started out the hottest were with women who eventually showed themselves to be crazy.
> 
> So what you have to find out is why you are so attracted to women like that.


That's the thing. I heard via many a text and conversation how she keeps ending up with the wrong guy. The ones that cheat and don't want to ever settle down to one woman. "How she was refreshed that I was a nice guy for once" and it was so nice to have so many common threads, etc....

Then she promptly goes and craps all over that and is just setting herself up for another A-Hole

Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


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## Andy1001

She has moved out on her own after both a controlling husband and then living with family.She is looking for some “adventures” and her new found freedom is allowing her to do this.
I hate to tell you this but she wants to see what single life is like as a woman with a career and a good salary.You can be part of this but you have to accept that she is not ready or willing to have a relationship that is exclusive.If you are willing to be an orbiter she may eventually select you as her new partner. But you don’t come across as someone who wants to play the “pick me” game.
If she is updating her dating profile then she is actively seeking other men and doesn’t see you as anything special.This may change but it may not and do you want to waste your time on someone who sees you as an option rather than a priority.
In your situation I would have a talk with her about exclusivity and if she isn’t on board then I would move on.


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## RaisedGarden

Andy1001 said:


> She has moved out on her own after both a controlling husband and then living with family.She is looking for some “adventures” and her new found freedom is allowing her to do this.
> I hate to tell you this but she wants to see what single life is like as a woman with a career and a good salary.You can be part of this but you have to accept that she is not ready or willing to have a relationship that is exclusive.If you are willing to be an orbiter she may eventually select you as her new partner. But you don’t come across as someone who wants to play the “pick me” game.
> If she is updating her dating profile then she is actively seeking other men and doesn’t see you as anything special.This may change but it may not and do you want to waste your time on someone who sees you as an option rather than a priority.
> In your situation I would have a talk with her about exclusivity and if she isn’t on board then I would move on.


That was my feeling as well. Constrained and within her family I was just there to pass the time. Also while being stuck in Europe I was like a new toy and I was readily available. Now she is off in her new life and the new toy is just an old chew toy that seen it's day. Kind of sucks though. I really had a connection with her. The last guy that came out as a cheating Polyamorous creep got six months of her fidelity. I got less than a month. Oh well, I guess unless someone has something that turns this turd sandwich into prime rib, I guess it's back to the wilds of internet dating and all the creeps that come with it. :frown2: It's times like these I really don't think I will ever find the one.


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## sunsetmist

Andy1001 said:


> She has moved out on her own after both a controlling husband and then living with family.She is looking for some “adventures” and her new found freedom is allowing her to do this.
> I hate to tell you this but she wants to see what single life is like as a woman with a career and a good salary.You can be part of this but you have to accept that she is not ready or willing to have a relationship that is exclusive.If you are willing to be an orbiter she may eventually select you as her new partner. But you don’t come across as someone who wants to play the “pick me” game.
> If she is updating her dating profile then she is actively seeking other men and doesn’t see you as anything special.This may change but it may not and do you want to waste your time on someone who sees you as an option rather than a priority.
> In your situation I would have a talk with her about exclusivity and if she isn’t on board then I would move on.



I agree with @Andy1001. Tell her exactly what you told us about how you discovered her updated profile and ask for clarification.

No matter what the reason, be aware of her ability obfuscate. That is, keep her honest in case she has trouble saying no, not yet, didn't want to hurt U R feelings.


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## SunCMars

Ah, yes...

Two years since she divorced her controlling husband.

He likely tried to control her wayward ways.

Her swaying hips.
Her perfect smile. 
Her perfected aura.

I know it hurts, you are genuine in your interactions with others.

She is genuine in the moment.
A fleeting moment.

The butterflies that you felt were first seen leaving her mouth.
She is a social butterfly.

You caught her in some manic state, likely Shangra-La.

Her high on you has evaporated and eviscerated you.
She puffed you up, caressed your soul, then pulled the plug.

You slowly are going flat.

STOP!

She has some sort of mental condition. We all do.
Hers is hurtful, is slippery, is opaque. Is extremely selfish.
Her mind flips, turns on a dime. 

Call it Narcissism.
Call it quits with her.

Think back to before, God, did she make you feel good, relish those feelings!
Remember that part, forget the part where she went belly up.

Where now, she will go belly up with some new flame. He atop her, she somewhere unknown.
She will set him on fire too.
And then she will pee on his happiness, too, three, four.

You saw her when she was Manic. 
That feeling has since ebbed. 

You were her old fix, your elimination rate has passed its half-life, with you in her blood un-felt. 
She needs a new fix.

She has flipped, flopped, floosied.
All this was so unnecessary. so unkind.

Truth be told, not.
Not by her.



KB-


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## Andy1001

RaisedGarden said:


> That was my feeling as well. Constrained and within her family I was just there to pass the time. Also while being stuck in Europe I was like a new toy and I was readily available. Now she is off in her new life and the new toy is just an old chew toy that seen it's day. Kind of sucks though. I really had a connection with her. The last guy that came out as a cheating Polyamorous creep got six months of her fidelity. I got less than a month. Oh well, I guess unless someone has something that turns this turd sandwich into prime rib, I guess it's back to the wilds of internet dating and all the creeps that come with it. :frown2: It's times like these I really don't think I will ever find the one.


I am intrigued by your comment “Stuck in Europe”.I spent years traveling over and back to Europe on a weekly basis and if there was one thing I was never “Stuck for” it was female company.When I was single of course.
What on earth gives you the impression that she was sitting in at night twiddling her thumbs.This trip is probably what gave her the taste for freedom.
You seem kinda over her anyway so why don’t you just have some fun instead of a relationship with her.Is a fwb arrangement out of the question?


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## RaisedGarden

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with Andy1001. Tell her exactly what you told us about how you discovered her updated profile and ask for clarification.
> 
> No matter what the reason, be aware of her ability obfuscate. That is, keep her honest in case she has trouble saying no, not yet, didn't want to hurt U R feelings.


Yeah, I'm just going to come out with it the next time I see her in person. I've made the decision to make myself less available. No more return Good mornings, etc... With the speed she was back online at her new digs, I don't honestly think she will even care. Once again wrong about a woman. At least this one didn't cost me Hundreds of Thousands.


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## Robert22205

The problem with Internet dating is that there's usually some overlap initially .... but that should stop by the end of the 3 or 4th date (or sex).
And I agree that fast responses to your texts shows interest (and a delay displays a lack of interest). 

Does high level medicine = surgeon?
So how long has it been since you meet her? 30-60 days?
How many dates?
How old are you guys? 
How long were you each on a dating site?
How long since your divorces?
Did she explain what she meant by a 'controlling' husband?

If your profile is still 'up' and flagged as 'current' is it possible that she thinks you're still looking?
I know on match your profile is listed as 'current' every time you sign in.

Since you have reason to believe you may have something 'special' to explore further, I think you should ask her to supper (and when the time is right ....maybe over breakfast) ask her face to face whether she feels the same. 

You may find she's just not ready to be exclusive. If so, I think you should be honest and tell her that you're disappointed because you're looking for something long term (and she's what you're looking for). End of conversation (keep smiling with head up) and exit stage right. 

When she texts you again (and she will), remind her that you're not casually dating but searching for 'the one' - but would like to remain friends.
Then as the dating pool becomes shallow you might check in with her in 2 months. Maybe she needs to kiss a few frogs before she's ready.

She knows you well enough by now for you to not: play the pick me game.


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## RaisedGarden

Andy1001 said:


> I am intrigued by your comment “Stuck in Europe”.I spent years traveling over and back to Europe on a weekly basis and if there was one thing I was never “Stuck for” it was female company.When I was single of course.
> What on earth gives you the impression that she was sitting in at night twiddling her thumbs.This trip is probably what gave her the taste for freedom.
> You seem kinda over her anyway so why don’t you just have some fun instead of a relationship with her.Is a fwb arrangement out of the question?


She was out and about in Europe, but you would have thought it was the worst thing ever. She would send me picture after picture of her trip along with questions on what to eat or places to go. She would spend her entire meal texting me about anything and everything. Then she would go back to her hotel and call me for two hours before falling asleep. This really is a flip on what I thought she was all about and looking for. 

FWB would be fun, but I'm 40 at this point. I'm looking for something more substantial. To be honest I was going to hang it up for a year until this one came along. The women in that 30-40 range that are available are really just looking for either money or a good lay. It's hard not to be cynic. What I would give for a decent woman who I can share my life with. Guess that's not in the cards. I'll just dedicate myself to my career. Maybe make the next tax bracket and at least have something better to offer in the transactional nature of dating now.


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## SunCMars

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with Andy1001. Tell her exactly what you told us about how you discovered her updated profile and ask for clarification.
> 
> No matter what the reason, be aware of her ability obfuscate. That is, keep her honest in case she has trouble saying no, not yet, didn't want to hurt U R feelings.


Nope!

Why bother? :frown2:

Gain some pride, be available, but busy.

Never let on that she is important.
Frankly, she isn't. :|

She was until she wasn't.

Do not do the 180 on her, no, no.

Be friendly, do not tip your hand. :smile2:
Let her dangle. 

Answer her texts, the next day.... if any come.

Likely, she will drop you like a rock. But, your actions at the end will startle her. And disappoint her.
That is it. 
That is all you can do. :|

She wants to be puffed up, made to feel special. :surprise:
Take that away, hold your breath, hold your disappointment inside.

Come out of this with a smile on your lips, your head held high.
Just be busy, too busy for fools and liars. 

Remain true to yourself, not to a butterfly, such as she.




The Typist I-


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## RaisedGarden

Robert22205 said:


> The problem with Internet dating is that there's usually some overlap initially .... but that should stop by the end of the 3 or 4th date (or sex).
> And I agree that fast responses to your texts shows interest (and a delay displays a lack of interest).
> 
> Does high level medicine = surgeon?
> So how long has it been since you meet her? 30-60 days?
> How many dates?
> How old are you guys?
> How long were you each on a dating site?
> How long since your divorces?
> Did she explain what she meant by a 'controlling' husband?
> 
> If your profile is still 'up' and flagged as 'current' is it possible that she thinks you're still looking?
> I know on match your profile is listed as 'current' every time you sign in.
> 
> Since you have reason to believe you may have something 'special' to explore further, I think you should ask her to supper (and when the time is right ....maybe over breakfast) ask her face to face whether she feels the same.
> 
> You may find she's just not ready to be exclusive. If so, I think you should be honest and tell her that you're disappointed because you're looking for something long term (and she's what you're looking for). End of conversation (keep smiling with head up) and exit stage right.
> 
> When she texts you again (and she will), remind her that you're not casually dating but searching for 'the one' - but would like to remain friends.
> Then as the dating pool becomes shallow you might check in with her in 2 months. Maybe she needs to kiss a few frogs before she's ready.
> 
> She knows you well enough by now for you to not: play the pick me game.


It's been about 30 days since we met. Hence why we never had the exclusivity talk. Besides it was kind of early. It was just a shock she is really saying "Open for business" while keeping me on the line.
I'm 40, shes in her mid 30's. She holds a directorship in Medicine. I the same. 
3 dates-----Every day on the phone------Europe--------Return, 2 dates----------Move/date-----------Bupkiss
I've been on for close to a year on and off. Her?
Divorced 5 years, she, separated 4 years and divorced 2+ years
The Husband had codependency issues with family members and would take her pay and keep her on pittance while he spent it on his family. Was also unavailable romantically and would not share the same bed. It was a mess. 

Yeah I'm going to set up a date next week if she is available now, and lay it on the line. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship, I will move on. It stinks, but better now than try to force something down the road.


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## Robert22205

Based on the experience of my son and daughter both in their 30s....I think there's plenty of people looking for a life partner in your target age range.
My kids had excellent luck on match. They did note that 70% misrepresent themselves (and it's usually obvious in the form of too good to be true).
The biggest mistake my son made was over focusing on 'looks' which led him to a pool of self centered women looking for mr money.

The profile, the initial text message is critical ... and your photos (should all tell a story about you).

If you're clean cut and healthy looking and have a good job, I suspect you're focusing on the wrong kind of woman. 

Some dating sites offer counseling to help you screen out more appropriate candidates.


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## SunCMars

I shifted my sailboat onto another tack, tact.

A tack that I shy away from..... for lack of wind at my back on TAM.

Take this advice with a grain of salt, most do.

..............................................................................................................

Our partners, both domestic and business come under Seventh House influence.
Read/Google: Neptune in the Seventh House and afflicted.

In short if you are too busy or just amused and disabused of such notions:

You are likely to seek a marriage partner who can provide a source of inspiration and bring out your capacity for compassion and loving understanding. There can be a tendency to see a prospective partner through rose-colored glasses or to weave imaginative fantasies about new contacts or hoped-for encounters. Consequently there is a possibility that the partner may not be the type of person conjured up by your imagination.

There is some tendency to form partnerships based on admiration or pity. If your natal Neptune is afflicted, such admiration may have resulted from your having been dazzled by glamorous externals, while an over-active sense of pity may be exploited by a prospective partner so that you marry out of sentiment or misplaced sympathy.

Possibilities exist that the partner is very sensitive and may need to be treated with kid gloves. The partner may be artistic or musically inclined or have some connection with drama or the stage. The material side of life may not concern them. Your relationship may be quite spiritual and above the sordid things of this life, hence it may be more platonic than sexual. * The other side of the coin is that you may become involved with unreliable, inconstant and somewhat shiftless types whose sympathies may be largely focused upon themselves*, or they may be underprivileged in some way, or neurotic or invalids suffering from chronic ill 
health.

Disclaimer: I lifted this off the internet.


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## SunCMars

The other thing.....

All of us, including myself, may be reading too much into her behavior.

We, going off the rails, before the goodbye train leaves the station.
Time will tell.

I hope so!


TT I-


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## Lostinthought61

RaisedGarden said:


> That's the thing. I heard via many a text and conversation how she keeps ending up with the wrong guy. The ones that cheat and don't want to ever settle down to one woman. "How she was refreshed that I was a nice guy for once" and it was so nice to have so many common threads, etc....
> 
> Then she promptly goes and craps all over that and is just setting herself up for another A-Hole
> 
> Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


No offense to the women of TAM, but as much as women say they want the nice relationship, the steady, nice, dependable guy, secretly they still want the bad boy. I realize i am generalizing ladies but i have played both roles in my life and i can tell you that the bigger the bad boy the more women i dated....i had to test my own theory and sadly i was right. these women were always trying to fix me


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## x598

dude...….if I was dating a gal and she had that up on her profile.....

I would just use HER words...send her a text, call whatever.....let her know YOU are looking for YOUR next adventure.....then NEVER talk to her again.


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## GusPolinski

Butterflies and a "controlling" ex-husband?

Dump her.


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## farsidejunky

Why are you still talking about her when the entire post that I wrote (and you quoted) had NEXT TO NOTHING to do with her?

Is that really the depth of your introspection?


RaisedGarden said:


> That's the thing. I heard via many a text and conversation how she keeps ending up with the wrong guy. The ones that cheat and don't want to ever settle down to one woman. "How she was refreshed that I was a nice guy for once" and it was so nice to have so many common threads, etc....
> 
> Then she promptly goes and craps all over that and is just setting herself up for another A-Hole
> 
> Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

farsidejunky said:


> Do you really have to ask?
> 
> You need to do some serious introspection. It sounds like the type of women who give you butterflies are also the type of women who don't truly understand loyalty.
> 
> In my experience, the relationships that started out *the hottest were with women who eventually showed themselves to be crazy.
> *
> So what you have to find out is why you are so attracted to women like that.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


Crazy is the wrong word. We have all types of people in this world of ours.
Crazy would indicate that she has no control over her actions.
{actually, none of us 'totally' do, but that is another debate!}

Better said, she is not marriage material, she is FWB material. 

Yes, she is deceitful and is a user. She is not a kind soul.

Let's wait and see what happens next with her response to the nice man who has a raised garden.
And has raised expectations from women.



KB-


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## kirwinjd

One word of advice: Run


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## happy as a clam

You’re a “nice guy” (in her opinion). Translation: You’re not a bad boy, which in HER eyes means you’re needy.

She’s a narcissist (in MY opinion).
You seem to have some elements of codependency.

Read The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. You’ll see exactly why you keep attracting these types of flaky women including your cheating ex-wife. You were this chick’s narc supply for a brief millisecond. She’s moving on to more drama than you can provide. And trust me, it ain’t “good drama.”

Be glad you caught this so early...


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## Marc878

You know what's up but you just don't want to believe it. So you're gonna talk to her about it when you should just move on.


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## Bananapeel

RaisedGarden said:


> That's the thing. I heard via many a text and conversation how she keeps ending up with the wrong guy. The ones that cheat and don't want to ever settle down to one woman. "How she was refreshed that I was a nice guy for once" and it was so nice to have so many common threads, etc....
> 
> Then she promptly goes and craps all over that and is just setting herself up for another A-Hole
> 
> Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


The "nice guy" title is the kiss of death. When a woman says that to me, and it has happened, I just laugh and say they don't know me well enough yet. Then I tell them I can be sweet and charming, but I can also be a total *wiener*. Let me also translate the question you are asking to the ladies into something more understandable. Why do women love an exciting and passionate relationship that triggers them emotionally more than a boring and stable one? Make sense why "nice" is such a negative term. You can be a great guy without being a "nice" guy and still have that excitement too, which is what women really seem to like. 



RaisedGarden said:


> That was my feeling as well. Constrained and within her family I was just there to pass the time. Also while being stuck in Europe I was like a new toy and I was readily available. Now she is off in her new life and the new toy is just an old chew toy that seen it's day. Kind of sucks though. I really had a connection with her. The last guy that came out as a cheating Polyamorous creep got six months of her fidelity. I got less than a month. Oh well, I guess unless someone has something that turns this turd sandwich into prime rib, I guess it's back to the wilds of internet dating and all the creeps that come with it. :frown2: It's times like these I really don't think I will ever find the one.


Part of your issue and why the relationship was so short is you were too accommodating and available to her. Why would you ever help someone move that you weren't in a long term exclusive relationship with and what did you negotiate to be paid for your efforts (a nice dinner, an evening out, etc. or did you give up your time for nothing). My GF has a toilet than needs a handle repaired and a leaky faucet. I can fix both in an hour including the trip to home depot and she knows it.....but, I told her to call her landlord if she wants it to be done because my limited time with her is not going to be spent doing domestic chores and instead we're going to enjoy each other and go on dates. You are also way too available via your phone. Never give a woman access to that much time to talk/text because that communication in an early relationship should be one on one during a date. By overdoing communication you are conveying you don't have a life and she doesn't have to put any time into getting your attention. In the future you need to cut that crap out and act like you have options because that greatly helps keeping a woman's interest since in conveys you are a catch. 



RaisedGarden said:


> She was out and about in Europe, but you would have thought it was the worst thing ever. She would send me picture after picture of her trip along with questions on what to eat or places to go. She would spend her entire meal texting me about anything and everything. Then she would go back to her hotel and call me for two hours before falling asleep. This really is a flip on what I thought she was all about and looking for.
> 
> FWB would be fun, but I'm 40 at this point. I'm looking for something more substantial. To be honest I was going to hang it up for a year until this one came along. The women in that 30-40 range that are available are really just looking for either money or a good lay. It's hard not to be cynic. What I would give for a decent woman who I can share my life with. Guess that's not in the cards. I'll just dedicate myself to my career. Maybe make the next tax bracket and at least have something better to offer in the transactional nature of dating now.


A woman that treats you the way she did is only good for an easy lay and nothing more. Dedicating yourself to your career will make you more attractive in general because you'll be more successful. Also, instead of dating to find a woman to share your life with try dating to have fun and be open to more if you find a special woman. It's a change in perspective but makes a huge difference in dating success. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> No offense to the women of TAM, but as much as women say they want the nice relationship, the steady, nice, dependable guy, secretly they still want the bad boy. I realize i am generalizing ladies but i have played both roles in my life and i can tell you that the bigger the bad boy the more women i dated....i had to test my own theory and sadly i was right. these women were always trying to fix me


You don't have to be a bad boy, just successful, independent and doing your own thing while keeping your dating options open. The most attracted women have been to me has always been when they had to work to convince me they were the one for me and that I should date only them. Then they feel like they got a prize and beat out the competition if I were to agree to exclusivity.


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## Bananapeel

OP, take a few minutes and read How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne. You made some relatively obvious screw-ups in your dating practice and had a predictable outcome.


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## Rowan

OP, this is a woman you've know for _30 days_ that you've had _3 dates_ with. Why on earth are you so wound around the axle about her? I know a new person in your life can be very exciting, but I think you've devoted far too much time and emotional energy to someone who, in reality, you barely know. You just assumed you two were exclusive, without having discussed it. What that means is that you two are not, in fact, mutually exclusive. Discovering you two aren't on the same page, has you overthinking and clinging rather than having a direct conversation with her or just moving on. Why?

Again, you barely know her. You've spent time together in person just three times. This is not a betrayal, it's not the crushing end to a long affair. It's discovering, and very quickly at that, that maybe this woman isn't compatible with you. No need to become passive-aggressive or play games. If you want to know what's up, have a direct conversation with her. If you don't care what's up because multi-dating when you're not in an exclusive relationship isn't something you're okay with, then just wish her well and move along.


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## dadstartingover

If you keep this up, you're going to get taken advantage of in a REALLY bad way. You're going to fall for some chick, marry her and get cheated on all over again.

She's a casual fling. You're way too needy and jumped right into relationship mode. You were another girlfriend to her. 

She's a successful single gal. In her mind, she has zero reason to settle down when she can get her needs met by several men at once. The dating world is her oyster.

You can learn a thing or two from her.


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## Yeswecan

Serial dater is my guess. My brother ran into a few when internet dating.


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## jlg07

So @RaisedGarden, have you had the talk with her? Have you said your goodbye's to her? There really can't be any sort of denial of what she put on her page, so you either have to accept that you are just "one" of the guys she will date, or just dump her.


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## MEM2020

Raised,
Since you seem to be inexperienced in this area, I’ll try to light the room for you. The answer to the question below answers yours....

Men of TAM, why do you continue to pursue a woman who is blatantly deceiving you in a publicly disrespectful manner?

Your friend wants an adventure, not a puppet. 

A normal, healthy response to discovering her profile would be to get on the phone and share that: 

Her profile shows that she clearly isnt ready for exclusivity and that you yourself are strongly averse to sexually transmitted diseases. So, as courtesy you just wanted to let you know why you are done. 

And that’s it. Don’t whine, complain or accuse. At the end of her response just wish her good luck and hang up. 





RaisedGarden said:


> That's the thing. I heard via many a text and conversation how she keeps ending up with the wrong guy. The ones that cheat and don't want to ever settle down to one woman. "How she was refreshed that I was a nice guy for once" and it was so nice to have so many common threads, etc....
> 
> Then she promptly goes and craps all over that and is just setting herself up for another A-Hole
> 
> Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


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## VermiciousKnid

Stories like this make me thank God on a daily basis for my wife and to let her know how much I love her and what a wonderful person she is. No way I have the patience/tolerance to be single in 2018. People are just F'ING crazy out there. All shallow selfish users of other people. I see it every single day in my profession. Fella's I'm sorry but none of you will find a woman as good as my wife. Good luck though.


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## Decorum

It is hard to believe she could be faithful in the long run.

Realize that some women give 110% to a relationship in the beginning, they do this (in many cases unintentionally) to assess the connection with you and to hold you while they do.

Lets call it the "best foot forward syndrome". A version of the "pick me (maybe) dance".

Meanwhile you are thinking, wow this women is amazing, I have never had a connection with a woman like this before, and she is sooo into me, plus we have sooo much in common.

Then it goes sideways, and you are left wondering what happened.

Ha ha ha, I had a friend, very outdoors-ish. His eventual fiancee did everything with him, hike, fish, snowmobiling, working on cars she was there, etc. (We called him MacGyver, he could fix anything, mechanical, electrical, building, amazing guy). He is still a close friend, and colleague. 

They are divorced now, she cheated, she hated that stuff after they were married, he was "boring".

He is one of the best men you will ever meet. He treated her daughter from a previous marriage like his own (she was about 3 at the time), they had another daughter together. He remained a caring step-dad even after the divorce. It was a second marriage for him.

She went on to husband number 3 and had a baby boy.

3 husbands, 3 kids. 

We knew husband #3, worked with him, good guy. They are still married but live in seperate states.

My friend never remarried, probably never will. 

He has NO problem finding women, many want something long term. He doesn't go there, he is honest about it. He would move in with the right person. Right now he is making a lot of money, dates and is very happy.

When she told my buddy how she felt, it was in private at work, he said, "she was shaking, and she said, 'I have never felt this way before'".

So it was a mirage that disappeared upon closer Inspection. 

Dont make psychological excuses for her, you have seen who she is.

Run!


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## Betrayedone

If it was me I would never contact or see her again. Don't respond to her texts. Time to move on........


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## RaisedGarden

Betrayedone said:


> If it was me I would never contact or see her again. Don't respond to her texts. Time to move on........


Very true. I didn't pull a full 180, but I made myself pretty scarce and noncommittal on hanging out. It ended up being like napalm on the flame. Now she calls and texts constantly. I rarely respond. Asking all the time when we can hang out? I'm not trying to be an ahole, just not interested in the games. Somehow now I can't shake her loose. I brought up the dating app issue and she apologized and removed her profile that day. Women of TAM I can't even, why play this game? To be honest her trying this hard now after everything is turning me off to her. Guys, think I dodged a bullet with this one or is this just the game women play now?

Thanks


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## Betrayedone

Run Forest, run.....


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## BluesPower

RaisedGarden said:


> Very true. I didn't pull a full 180, but I made myself pretty scarce and noncommittal on hanging out. It ended up being like napalm on the flame. Now she calls and texts constantly. I rarely respond. Asking all the time when we can hang out? I'm not trying to be an ahole, just not interested in the games. Somehow now I can't shake her loose. I brought up the dating app issue and she apologized and removed her profile that day. Women of TAM I can't even, why play this game? To be honest her trying this hard now after everything is turning me off to her. Guys, think I dodged a bullet with this one or is this just the game women play now?
> 
> Thanks


Don't know if you will read this or not. Now, you don't have to talk to her or not if you don't want to. 

But to me, answering any of her text and yet not telling her to FO, is just kind of silly, and maybe conflict avoidant, and that is bad. 

Just call her and tell her 1) You saw her profile, 2) You don't play that and 3) don't text of call again, ever. 

That would be a stronger way to handle it...


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## Affaircare

@RaisedGarden, 



> ... Women of TAM seriously, why do women all whine how they want a nice guy. One who is romantic and has the same interests, and you all end up with the former Motorcycle club president who gave you Chlamydia and cheated on you multiple times, and is a real louse. I don't understand. As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too.


I'm sorry this particular lady isn't much of a lady, but that doesn't mean that all the rest of the females of the species are equally unlady-like. I happen to be a woman who truly does want a guy who is nice (not a nice guy--there is a difference), who is romantic, who has interests similar to mine, who has values like mine, and who grew up in the same decade as me. [I happen to have found my guy, but I'm just saying.]

I would not look judge a guy by his previous or current MC leadership--but if he's a leather-wearing Harley rider, "buh bye"; I wouldn't look twice at anyone who gave me or anyone ANY kind of VD; and even though it's hypocritical, infidelity is likely a deal-breaker (although considering my past I'd give about a 1-2% chance possibly). 

My point here is that being who you are--a guy who is nice--doesn't mean that all women who are mid-30's or 40's are going to immediately dump your nice behind and poo all over you. It just means that THIS lady didn't value those kinds of traits. Then again, you've gone out with her just a few times. I mean...you never even mentioned exclusivity so exactly how "committed" do you think you two were? See what I mean?

Here's my thought. 1) After 3 dates, if it seems like the connection is strong with someone, don't automatically think exclusivity, commitment and marriage. Think "Hmm...still looks like there's potential here--let me keep trying." That's what dating is: determining if someone is a good fit. 2) If, after 3 dates, you discover something like this...even if it seemed like there was a strong connection, there wasn't. Don't think "cheating" and "I have to be an *******." Think "Hmmm..okay got my answer. This one wasn't what I was looking for." 
You don't change YOU--you just recognize this one isn't marriage material. 

Maybe take a little time off and catch your breath, and then keep looking. Lastly I have to tell ya--online dating is HORRIBLE. Why not go to something you enjoy doing and meet some live people that way? If nothing else, you'd have something in common!


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## Rowan

Affaircare said:


> Here's my thought. 1) After 3 dates, if it seems like the connection is strong with someone, don't automatically think exclusivity, commitment and marriage. Think "Hmm...still looks like there's potential here--let me keep trying." That's what dating is: determining if someone is a good fit. 2) If, after 3 dates, you discover something like this...even if it seemed like there was a strong connection, there wasn't. Don't think "cheating" and "I have to be an *******." Think "Hmmm..okay got my answer. This one wasn't what I was looking for."
> You don't change YOU--you just recognize this one isn't marriage material.


:iagree:

OP, this is absolutely what you should be doing. This woman wasn't your long-time love and she wasn't cheating on you. She was someone you'd been out with three times who turned out not to be what you were looking for in a potential partner. Finding out things like that is the very purpose of dating. Keep seeing someone you like for as long as things are good, and that may evolve into something long term, even marriage. If you find out you're not compatible, then move along to look for someone else who is compatible. Stop trying to rush a relationship when you've really just started dating someone. Stop investing way too much, way too soon, into someone you've really only just met and don't yet know very well. 

And, no, there's not some overarching woman hive-mind. We're not all into playing games. This particular woman wasn't a good fit for you. That's the sum total of the conclusions you can draw about all women from this experience - that this particular woman wasn't what you wanted. This wasn't a woman thing, but a her thing. Stop being passive-aggressive and just tell her that you don't think it's going to work out after all, then block her number and move along.


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## Bananapeel

RaisedGarden said:


> Very true. I didn't pull a full 180, but I made myself pretty scarce and noncommittal on hanging out. It ended up being like napalm on the flame. Now she calls and texts constantly. I rarely respond. Asking all the time when we can hang out? I'm not trying to be an ahole, just not interested in the games. Somehow now I can't shake her loose. I brought up the dating app issue and she apologized and removed her profile that day. Women of TAM I can't even, why play this game? To be honest her trying this hard now after everything is turning me off to her. Guys, think I dodged a bullet with this one or is this just the game women play now?
> 
> Thanks


This is a common response. By taking a stand and not tolerating her crap you acted more masculine and less like a "nice" guy would, so she became more attracted to you. Also, your taking the attention away switched the relationship polarity to one where you are acting like you have options and she isn't good enough, so she's picking up the slack to try to entice you. If you want to date her (remember you've only been out a few times so you don't really know her nor have you set up relationship expectations) then watch the Corey Wayne video called 7 principles to get an ex back. Follow that to a T and you'll have a lot more relationship control. Although if I were in your shoes, I'd just block her number and move on with my life if I wasn't interested in keeping her as a F-buddy, and then find someone you were more compatible with. You also really need to read How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne and all of this behavior will make sense to you as will the proper responses to it.


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## SentHereForAReason

"As they say nice guys always finish last. I guess I have to become an A-Hole too." I used to say this to myself as well, while I was in the marriage still and what I thought I would have to be. 

It's not the case. I'm learning that if you are a nice guy to the core, not a push over but a nice guy with good intentions BUT with confidence, that is where the difference is. You don't have to be a di** but you can say no and you can let people know what you want. If you don't like something about yourself and want to change it, more power to you, if you are thinking you need to change just for the sake of adapting to someone else, that's probably not going to end well. 

I've grown with things I wanted to improve upon after my ordeal and divorce but I have stayed true to who I am at my more. That worked for most of my life in everything but the end of the 18 year relationship but it seems to be doing well for me again and now.


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