# Totally lost and need advice



## Anthony Petini (Jan 29, 2020)

Hey guys...

I've been married for almost 9 years. I have three kids, and my world was just rocked to the core and I really don't know what to do anymore. I'd like to just lay it all out so you can best provide accurate and concentrated advice. Thanks in advanced!

We aren't perfect by any means, we met when I was 17, she was 15. We have been together for 12 years and I was an immature boy when we met. I've grown into a slightly less man-child (kidding) over the years, and have developed a deep love for this woman. She's always required slightly more attention than I could offer. I tend to err on the side of working a lot, but I always tried to be there for her when I am there, even to the point of setting reminders on my phone to encourage her and remind her how much I appreciate how well she held the house together. And I'm not a workaholic by any stretch, it's always been standard 9-5, but even that seemed to be too much time away from her. In 2012, I was attempting to get into this corporate position within my organization, and was working long hours for a few months. She turned to another man and ended up having an emotional affair. It broke me and I tried everything I could to fix it, to the point of eventually quitting my job because I couldn't handle the emotional stress of the affair.

My brother ended up finding out about it, and doing what I refused to do and messaged this guy and threatened his life. The guy ended up backing off, not because she chose me, but because he didn't want to talk to her anymore. She cried for a week every night before profusely apologizing for ever getting involved in the first place. There have been relationship or two between then and now that I didn't like. She got drunk with some guy and ended up doing some oral things. There was a friend 3 years ago who she talked to non stop, nothing super inappropriate, I just didn't like the volume. Leading up to today, she started talking to an old friend of ours via snapchat, my first red flag. It has been non stop for 2 1/2 years. I logged into her snapchat in April of 2019 to verify whether she was only talking to him a few times a day like she claimed, I downloaded her history, and it ended up being 3000 messages exchanged over the 10 day period that I pulled. I sat on that info for a few days so I didn't blow a gasket. That didn't work well. We were driving at the end April and I flipped out and threw the printed transcript out to her. and that day was the day she shut me out completely.

She started leaving for days on end, I found her at another mans house, (not the snapchat guy), apparently drunk and slept in his bed while he "slept on the couch out of respect", I don't believe it. and then around September she stopped coming around altogether. She rarely sees the kids at all, and checks on the via text every once in awhile... so that hurts me, and it hurts my kids.

I've went to the courthouse to file several times, and couldn't bring myself to file. So I left. I found out a few weeks ago, after logging into her Facebook on a whim, (she didn't change her password through all of this), and found that this "friend" that she has been talking to for 2 years is now her boyfriend, theyre sleeping together, and he wants to have a baby with her... I'm shocked, I'm hurt, and Im broken..

Fast forward to this afternoon, she texted me and said that the day I file will be the worst day of her life, she'd block him, she'd do whatever to fix it, she wants me to reconcile.. If this was the summer, it would be all I ever wanted, but now I don't know if I can ever trust her again, especially given her history with me. I feel like I should have kicked her out a long long time ago. So I'm here... Asking for advice... If you were in this situation. would you stay? Would you suck it up for the kids? Would you move on? Would you pack what little dignity you have left and get out? I need help, I don't know where to go. I feel like I only even entertain the idea of staying with her because I feel sorry for her, I feel compassion for her final brokenness, but I feel like I would be miserable.. What would you do in this situation?

Am I perfect? No. Did I screw up and neglect her for periods of time? Yes. Did I correct it when she brought it to my attention? Yes. I just don't know. I'm hurt. I'm lost. and all she has to say is that I want to end it because I "found a new woman". Don't get me wrong, there's a girl I would totally pursue if I wasn't still married, but I wouldn't end the marriage for her. I think I am pretty confident in the fact that my reasoning behind leaving is the string of men that have always been put above me. And I feel like I should have left in 2012 instead of putting up with it for the last 7 years...

Please help..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you.

You did nothing wrong, you worked a job like all husbands are supposed to. She could have talked to you about it. 

And dude, she will be OK, she will get over it. She what 5 affairs? She is not that into you and she certainly doesn't love you. 

Don't give your kids the example of a mother who treats their father with so much disrespect and a father who is content to take it. You can be at least the one parent who can be stable. 

Read the book codependency no more. Go in peace and be free. It's time for you to really grow up and be brave. Courage is required to really be able to love. Sometimes it's the courage to say I am worth more then this.


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## Anthony Petini (Jan 29, 2020)

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot. She claims that my past struggle with lying caused her to drift away. I did struggle with the truth for a long time but because she would flip out and I was afraid of the days of anger that would follow my screwing up, I’m flawed but I do feel like I deserve better. A friend of mine mentioned codependency, so I’ll definitely check that book out, thanks again!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Her infidelity is in no way your fault!! She made the choice. She could have chosen to work on marriage, but sounds like she puts her family last. Selfish and a serial cheater.

Have y'all ever had therapy? or worked on your relationship?

Stay away from other relationships until you are free to pursue such. Do not choose to take on her lack of morals/integrity.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Probably should close this chapter and start a new one. No one is irreplaceable. Even people you love. Off topic slightly, if you did a little research, you may find he dumped her, and you're the safety net to catch her on the way down. If this is the case, your decision should be an even easier one. As you stated, her track record is that of a repeat defender.


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

I did the math and you're only 29. You have your whole life ahead of you! No reason to waste it on someone who clearly has no interest in you or your kids. I would be willing to bet that she's texting you about reconciling because she's in a financial bind and sleeping on someone's couch. She wants you to support her so she can continue her reckless lifestyle.

As @sunsetmist said, her infidelity is not your responsibility. Let her own it and the consequences.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Dude, it looks like she is trying to blame her infidelity on you. Don't fall for it!

If you look at other people's threads here, cheaters ALWAYS blame the betraying spouse for their infidelity. They have to, psychologically. Otherwise, they would have to face the fact of what ****ty individuals they are. By shifting the blame onto the betrayed spouse, they don't have to confront the reality of what a piece of filth they really are.

She's been with you for years, so she knows what buttons to push. Don't get suckered in! It's all on her....period!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AS said above, YOU did not cause her to have multiple affairs. SHE is not who you think she is AT ALL. This has been an on-going thing with her. 
You say it's your fault because you didn't talk to her about stuff -- YOU were afraid of her ANGER? Is THAT a healthy way for her to be? NO. If she is that angry that you were walking on eggshells around her, what does that tell you? YOU didn't cause that either.

PLEASE protect yourself and your kids. SHE left for days and left her kids to be with other men? That should tell you -- she is NOT marriage material. Her saying "it will be the worst day when you file" is nothing more than being manipulative. Make sure you keep all of the evidence of her cheating. Get a great lawyer and get your plan together and FILE (you can always halt it later, but not sure she is worth doing that). If you know who the man/men are, find out if they are married and expose this. Don't tell her you are doing this. Have HER leave the house -- she has already done this multiple times anyway.

Be strong -- show your kids the correct way to handle being disrespected and not being treated in a loving manner.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Anthony Petini said:


> all she has to say is that I want to end it because I "found a new woman".


Oh dear. I was thinking up to that point that there might be some hope. But she's still angry at you. I think you need to file.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Anthony Petini You wife is a serial cheater and I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity. 

If that is your real name, please reach out to @EleGirl our admin who can change your name to an anonymous one.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

She has called your bluff over and over again. She cheats bc she knows you'll never leave her. She's the prize. 

You've done nothing but prove her right. 

She will never stop cheating.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

What I said over in General still applies :

File.

You know it's what you have to do.

She will never be a safe partner. Not for you. Not for anybody. She ain't much of a mother either.

Rip that bandaid off.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Is there ANYTHING that she could do that would cause you to say “that’s it!!! I quit!!!”???

If what she has done already isn’t enough for you to file and get out, what would be???

My advice, escape out of the hell she has put you in, or accept the fact that she has been sleeping with other men and will continue to do so.

Good luck, and stay strong


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Anthony Petini said:


> She turned to another man and ended up having an emotional affair. It broke me and I tried everything I could to fix it, to the point of eventually quitting my job because I couldn't handle the emotional stress of the affair.
> 
> Every betrayed spouse comes on here with the emotional affair story. Mainly because they don’t want to deal with reality. If they have contact it’s usually a sexual affair.
> 
> ...


No one can help you until you get out of the victim chair and start helping yourself. None of us are perfect but you didn’t cause her to cheat. That’s a very conscious decision she willingly made.

You are a chump only if you allow it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to file.

Sounds like her “newest” boyfriend isn’t working out. She knows how much you love her. So, she will blame and guilt you into taking her Back. That way she can be supported until she finds a better man to try out.

File.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As someone who wasted years of my life with someone who couldn't love me properly I implore you not to do the same. You are young. You have plenty of time to find someone who will love you the way a husband should be loved. Please get yourself free so when she shows up you can go for it. 

Your wife’s cheating is HER deficit not yours!!!! Working a little extra for a few months to secure a better job is a normal part of life. Having to set an alarm to regularly give your wife accolades is not. Any woman who required that much care is damaged. Don’t continue to let her damage hurt you to the point you’re just as damaged. 

It will hurt in the beginning but eventually you’ll wonder what took you so long.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Dude! YOU are in no way responsible for her affairs. You know, the many affairs she has had, not contemplated, had. NONE of that is on you. But the timer is now starting on what is on you. Your response is on you. 

Lots of advice coming your way, most all of it good, not all good but most. Listen, digest and OMG please act. So sorry you are here.


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## Anthony Petini (Jan 29, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Oh dear. I was thinking up to that point that there might be some hope. But she's still angry at you. I think you need to file.


Out of curiosity... Why would you think there was hope up until this point? Would you stick around in this scenario?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Anthony Petini said:


> Out of curiosity... Why would you think there was hope up until this point? Would you stick around in this scenario?


Well, I may have misread it. I am an eternal optimist. But up to that sentence, it seemed like there might be signs of remorse and seeing what a mistake she had made. Up to that point.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anthony Petini said:


> I've went to the courthouse to file several times, and couldn't bring myself to file. So I left. I found out a few weeks ago, after logging into her Facebook on a whim, (she didn't change her password through all of this), and found that this "friend" that she has been talking to for 2 years is now her boyfriend, theyre sleeping together, and he wants to have a baby with her... I'm shocked, I'm hurt, and Im broken..


Seriously? You learned this stuff from her Facebook posts? 

I don't think there will ever be a chance that you could trust her again. I think you're going to have trust issues in relationships going forward, and need to consider individual counseling. There is no need for marriage counseling because I don't think you were ever married. She hitched a ride with you for a while, got bored and hitched a ride to another place. She's not long term material for anyone.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Dude, file now while she is still too involved to take an interest in the children, and she tries to use them as a means of financial blackmail. 

You have them in a stable home and from your statements she has basically abandoned her marriage and children, do you want someone who could toss your children so easily trying to use them for financial support or getting custody as a means of manipulating you?

Act Now while you have the upper hand to get custody, and divorce proceedings before she realizes control they could give her. 
Document her abandonment and how little time, and interest she showed for her children. 

Pull off the gloves for you children’s sake.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Anthony Petini said:


> Out of curiosity... Why would you think there was hope up until this point? Would you stick around in this scenario?


Stop. Look what you just did. ONE person here thought there might be hope for awhile and you are desperately clinging to that like a dog.

She doesn't respect you. She changed from the girl you met as a teenager. She is not marriage material.

End it. 

Move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You have already started what you must now finish. You have left her. Now all you need to do is the paperwork.

Or, you could go back to her after she's cheated on you with probably dozens of guys by this point, and just accept that you're in an open marriage with someone with no integrity. Which doesn't sound that great, but if it's your cup of tea because you're still an angsty teenager at heart or something, go ahead. Go back to her. Put the Cure's "Disintegration" album on repeat, and sit in a dark room thinking dark thoughts while she cheats on you continually and you wonder what you can do.

Or, you know, you could just complete your transition in life, and live in the sunshine and with your own integrity. And have the world be full of promise and possibility.

Your call, man.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Anthony Petini said:


> Out of curiosity... Why would you think there was hope up until this point? Would you stick around in this scenario?


You’re grasping at straws to stay in this. Sounds like you’re gonna wallow in infidelity for awhile unless you wake up.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It is normal to feel attachment to your spouse, and to want to help them when they are upset. The position you are in sucks, and you have our sympathy.

But as everyone has told you, she isn't marriage material and has crapped all over your marriage. Time to move on. 

If she is says filing will be the worst day of her life, you can be nice about it, but go on. Remind her what she did, and that it killed the marriage. As others have said, you are young and there is time to start over.

Of course, she may blow up when her contrite act doesn't work, be ready. 

Consider getting counselling for yourself to deal w/ this. It is no picnic.

As for your brother threatening people's lives, he can go to jail for that. It isn't a joke.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Run!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> Stop. Look what you just did. ONE person here thought there might be hope for awhile and you are desperately clinging to that like a dog.


Yeah, and I'd like to reiterate: up until I read the end part. Not after that.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Two things that I'd like to suggest

Get tested for STDs
DNA your kids


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Frankly, you need lawyer up AQAP and FILE,FILE,FILE!!!
You need to document the hell out of her emotional abuse and major malfunctions and be ready to go to WAR.
Even though she may be the Mother if your children (then again, she may be the Mother of someone else's children) she is the enemy, and needs to be treated accordingly.
You need to do the full 180 and only contact her in regard to the kids and make sure that all communication is in writing. If forced to communicate orally or in person, I would have a VAR ready to go.
For excrement and laughter, I'd do a DNA on all the kids. Could be useful information.
If you really feel that you cannot live without her, and want to be Plan F at best, (although I can't imagine why,) you need to pull the rug out from under her and make her pursue you. 
Personally I would embark on a self-improvement kick, find a woman worthy of having, and take out the "Trash."


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Anthony Petini said:


> around September she stopped coming around altogether. She rarely sees the kids at all, and checks on the via text every once in awhile...


There is something seriously wrong inside of her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm hoping against hope that this will be one of the rare cases where the poster sees the light, files for divorce, and rides off into the sunset to a happier life.

I don't believe that will happen, though. The odds are simply against it. It seems to be human nature to keep banging our heads against a wall if that is what we're used to.

But, please, Anthony, do if for us! Get away from her! Stay away from her! Let us have that feel good experience of actually cheering on a fellow human being as he frees himself from pain and harm. You can't know how much it would mean if you were that one in a million (not to mention how great it would be for you, of course....).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, why do you love yourself so little that you would actually allow this to continue...for this many years...through multiple affair partners?

She is who she always has been. Now is not any different. 

You have two choices. 

One, you set aside your own needs, wants, and desires for a normal, loving relationship...and stop looking into mirrors, know you won't respect the man you see staring back at you.

Or...

You eject this serial adulteress from your life, get into IC to figure out why you tolerated so much for so long, and get healthy so you can actually know what to look for in another healthy adult partner.

Lastly, choosing not to make a choice, which is what you have been doing for years, IS actually making a choice.

I wish you nothing but the best, man. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

AP, I think it was Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. I don't think you're crazy, but the quip does make its point.
Then there's the 12 step thing that state: If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. That's you. You accept guilt for your WW's transgressions and get your shot of hopium.
To be candid, your marriage is toast! Get rid of this serial cheater! You deserve better.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Anthony Petini said:


> Hey guys...
> 
> I've been married for almost 9 years. I have three kids, and my world was just rocked to the core and I really don't know what to do anymore. I'd like to just lay it all out so you can best provide accurate and concentrated advice. Thanks in advanced!
> 
> ...


It sounds like you feel a deep responsibillity to make her happy in order to be deserving and she feels that it is your responsbility to make her happy. 

Is that true?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

OutofRetirement said:


> There is something seriously wrong inside of her.


Yeah. It's other guys' ****s.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You've been together since you were children. Neither of you dated, got serious, broke up, moved on, and dated again. You have no experience of adult relationships outside of each other. Naturally, it's hard to let go.

That said, she's a serial cheater who has had multiple affairs and will keep coming back to you until A) she finds someone else willing to keep her or B) you stop being her Plan B safety net.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Anthony Petini said:


> Out of curiosity... Why would you think there was hope up until this point? Would you stick around in this scenario?


There is absolutely no excuse for the way she has treated you. A wife with kids! She is a tramp, get rid of her. What kind of woman does that, I don’t care how badly you might have treated her. There is No excuse. You need to now get your ducks in a row, get a good lawyer, get custody of the kids. What kind of example is she showing those poor kids. Your wife is broken


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Marduk said:


> You have already started what you must now finish. You have left her. Now all you need to do is the paperwork.
> 
> Or, you could go back to her after she's cheated on you with probably dozens of guys by this point, and just accept that you're in an open marriage with someone with no integrity. Which doesn't sound that great, but if it's your cup of tea because you're still an angsty teenager at heart or something, go ahead. Go back to her. Put the Cure's "Disintegration" album on repeat, and sit in a dark room thinking dark thoughts while she cheats on you continually and you wonder what you can do.
> 
> ...


Excellent call.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Anthony Petini, what do you and your children need to protect yourselves from your wife / their mother?

I often suggest counselling and efforts to reconcile but in your case I'm sorry, but this is my suggestion, a very, very good lawyer:-


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Anthony,

DNA test those kids. Remember, those five affairs are only the ones you know about and were able to confirm. There have probably been many, many more. 

What Aine said above is spot on. Your wife is a serial cheat: a woman of loose morals and zero integrity. She is an abuser. Short of sending her off to live in a convent, there is no fixing her. You owe your children better than to allow them to grow up with someone like this as their primary parent. I had a good friend as a kid whose mom was the town tramp, and it messed him up so bad that even now, in his 50s, he has never had a long term girlfriend or gotten married. To him all women are tramps and users, and he treats them that way whether they deserve it or not. Don't let that happen to your kids. Go for full custody.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Anthony Petini,

Just checking in on you. How are things going?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

alte Dame said:


> I'm hoping against hope that this will be one of the rare cases where the poster sees the light, files for divorce, and rides off into the sunset to a happier life.
> 
> I don't believe that will happen, though. The odds are simply against it. It seems to be human nature to keep banging our heads against a wall if that is what we're used to.


I think in this case, the breaking up hurts worse than the relationship, so there is the risk he will take her back to make the pain stop. But it's kind of like telling the dentist to leave the bad tooth in b/c what he's doing hurts.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

@Anthony Petini - you need to file and start working on your self respect.

Read what you wrote and imagine what you would tell your Child if someone treated them like this???

There is a new world out there waiting for you.

Also as someone else mentioned get your username changed, you never know who will look you up or let your wife know what you have been writing..


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, my two cents.
File now, she is a selfish person, who new what she was doing. Go for full custody, as she abandoned you and the children.
Take care of yourself, exercise, talk to friends, exspose her ways to all. Care for the children &#55357;&#56438; 

Buffer


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s running back to you because the other guy isn’t so great.

Don’t be her constant plan B!

File for divorce now! She will always blame you and play the victim. People like her don’t change. It will be a VERY long miserable life if you stay married to her - she’s toxic!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's between boyfriends now and is looking for a temporary safe harbor. Probably ran out of cash.

Tell her you'll consider dating her and making her your girlfriend if she signs a divorce settlement that is very favorable to you and gives you full custody of the kids. This is only fair, based on her behavior.

Complete the divorce, then cut her out of your life without one date.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Anthony Petini said:


> Hey guys...
> 
> I've been married for almost 9 years. I have three kids, and my world was just rocked to the core and I really don't know what to do anymore. I'd like to just lay it all out so you can best provide accurate and concentrated advice. Thanks in advanced!
> 
> ...


She can feel your dependency on her, your emotional dependency on her. She innately understands the pattern of you on first discovering and then kicking her out, then she senses you seeing her cut out the other man, then you let her back in. She thrives on this pattern. 

Once you truly become fed up she will sense the authenticity of that too, and only then will she change. It's actually not her that changes, it would be the entire relationship of the two of you reacting to each other that has taken on it's own life. Once you take yourself out of the predictable pattern, it will throw her off balance and you will then become a person who is respected. Standing on your own, detached. Healthily detached. And then you can still be with her, because then it will be an entirely different relationship.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First, she has suffered no consequences. That has emboldened her. You are heavily codependent. Give her consequences. Expose her and her affairs. I had one woman who could not believe her husband would cause her extreme discomfort by exposing. She was fairly dismissive of the evidence he had, she thought she had him bulled into silence. The first inkling that she may have gone too far was the night before when they had a blow up and she alluded to his weakness. All he kept saying is you are sooooooo ****ed, you don’t know. Next morning, her phone had a persistent number of calls from her mom. She finally picked up.”Tell me you were not that monumentally stupid, to go **** around and get caught, then bully him.” This was just the first call. She was inundated, down to several threatening calls from the AP’s family. What she did not get was any communication from her husband. No D filing, but he was in the wind. First Vegas, then Mexico. He was spending their money, and having ME time. She tried cutting off the card. He came home and made her life misery. He joined forces with OMW and the pair essentially had both their ex spouses literally evicted from their community. Her mother called him incessantly, for robbing her of her daughter’s company. He shot back, “Did you know your daughter used the excuse that her behaviour is genetic? That you did this to Dad for years and he just accepted it? How about I start letting your friends in on the fun? She sputtered out a f’off, and never bothered him again. She moved to be with her daughter some months later, without her husband. Hmmmmmmm, wonder if he ever got wise?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why in the hell would you ever consider staying with someone like this. What the **** has she done to even be worth it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The old way of not causing them embarrassment usually results in recidivism. I had a verrrry similar couple in my earlier years. She was reliant on him to keep it quiet. She said continually that they would have to move away in the middle of the night if it ever came out. She bullied the poor son of a *****. We did not know until he came in for his taxes, and started spilling his guts to one of the partners. The divorce support staff was called in. He was assured that this was bullying and what she said did not hold water. With great trepidation he told his best friend. He was embraced and assured that people would be on his side. His WW did not know her secret was out for several days. When her APs wife showed up at their office, and ruined her career did she know that the secret was out. She came home and said that they need to sell and move. He said nonsense. I will not move to protect your reputation. I welcome the world to know what you are. PS I am the one who told. Everyone now knows what you are. You don’t want the heat? Move. She was shell shocked. Her gambit failed spectacularly. He was vengeful. She was trying to find one person who did not know. The AP had cursed her out, threatened to sue. The world closed in when her husband offered a way out: she would move to their rental home several states away and find a job there. She was told it was only until things cooled off. A week later she was served. He was complete in his vengeance.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Anthony,

I hope you have been silent because you are talking to a lawyer and taking care of your kids.

How are you doing?


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