# Trying to survive



## Tripledad76 (Nov 15, 2008)

I need some help, after 9 years and 3 beautiful little girls, I am ready to throw in the towel. I love my wife, but we are so distant and so far off pace from where we started. I think she is going through a depression, but can not get her to seek any help. My daughters and her mean the world to me, but the stress on me is affecting my health now. I work a night shift 4 days a week, and she has been a Homemaker for 8 years. We had a goal of 3 kids and when the last one was in school she would go back to work. I can not get her motivated to do anything, I mean I litterally handed her 3 jobs - ALL SHE HAD DO IS SHOW UP! They were jobs she could handle, but I feel she is scared to go bcak. She finally landed a job as a lunch time "bartender" in a place that was just starting up. The owner went on vacation before last X-mas, and she was taken off the schedule - no reason, answer & not even a returned phone call.

I think she needs something, but she will not open up to me. Everytime I talk to her about things in the house, she says: " stop lecturing me!" How can a talk be a lecture? To top it off I had a vas after she had our twins, now she is trying to tell me to reverse it. I mean she obviously can not handle the stress of a job or our three girls.....and she wants another! I have told her no - not even something bad happened to one of our angels. We are finacially strapped enough, and one more would put us homeless, but she does not see it that way. I tell her to help us with a budget and she goes out like it is a free day. I can no longer work 2 jobs, and the side work dried up. What do I do? I mean, I have had held up my end of the deal and supported us working 100+ hours for 7 years to provide for us. I finally hurt myself to the point I have to work hard just to show up for my regular 40 job - working in pain the whole time.

It sounds like I'm complaining, but our kids are not in any oustide activities, she doesn't work. I complain that the house is not taken care of, but come on am I wrong - you are a homemaker who does not take care of the home. She got sick a few weeks back and I had to take a week off of work to care for her and the girls - used the last of my vaction. NO BS, I washed 32 loads of clothes, cleaned dishes 1 week+ old ( we have a dishwasher! ). It is very frustrating to work as hard as I do to come home to a house like this, and still have to do most of the house chores. I don't expect dinner on the table, but I expect she make a hot meal for my girls if that is what is for dinner. She will have them make sandwiches, and make spagetti for herself - THAT IS BS. I even try to cook as many meals as I can when I am home - I like to cook, but where do you draw a line?

Any advise at this point is welcome.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well i dont think your complaining for the wrong reasons. 
i agree with you that another baby is a reason to continue to stay of work.
im not saying its not stressful thinking of a return to work, there are times when i have a week of and think i dont want to go back.
being off as long as your wife is very difficult. 
but unfortunately there is no balance in your relationship or homelife.
im sorry but you cant be expected to do everything and her nothing.
i have family members and ex members that sound like your wife and i promise they wil not change. 
your not appreciated for your input, if you were , she want to give you a nice home etc etc.
i work 3 x 10 shifts per week. my house is immaculate. i cook if im home for my family and a bath is ready for when my H comes home from work. 
but this also applies to me when im in work and H is home. 
as for the 32 loads of washing. sounds like there is no discipline.
basically clothes are not even dirty before they are put in the wash for a new change of clothes.
who looks after you when your sick - i bet your wife is exactly the same in her efforts , pretty much you get no sympathy.


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## Tripledad76 (Nov 15, 2008)

You are right when I get sick, I go down hard. When I try to hide in a room and rest, I'm not looking for sympathy...if I need that as I tell her, I will find more of it in the dictionary between [email protected]* & Syphlis. Not being mean, that is just life. As for the 32 loads, part of that is due to the fact that our washer only can handle a 2/3 full load to keep up with the dryer. I know I stressed the relationship when I changed ares at work, that caused my days to go from THU, FRI, SAT off to go to SUN, MON, TUE off. Unfortunately I needed the change in job area to bring the stress and my high blood pressure under control. Which does not give us much time to go out, I mean really who can baby sit on a SUN night? In other ways the intamacy is gone, she feels that if she can not get pregnant, then why do it? Once again I feel like I am just complaiing, I just had to get it off my chest.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i used to work nights, i did sun , mon and tues. so i know what its like. but i only did it for 2 yrs. we were then taken of nights and put back onto days with on calls.
look at it like this, things happen for a reason.
ok you think you stressed the relationship with the shift move, but it wasnt by choice.
ok you cant get a babysitter for a sunday. but you try other days that you have of. if your wife doesnt work, then you dont have to worry about working around her. 
on your next day of suggest going for a walk and tell her how you feel.
the reason you gave for lack of intimacy is a sad one. 
but it also sounds like a punishment to you for having the vas and denying her what she really wants - not wanting to go back to work.
your not complaining - your asking for advice.
nothing wrong in that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im sure its very frustrating for you to come home to a dirty house when you are working all day. But, do you care about her at all? I didnt pick up one note of concern in your voice about how she's doing. Is she gaining weight? losing weight? does she have friends? does she do anything at all? My house was dirty when i was a kid, we ate odd things, but you know, that's not what got to me. What got to me was my parents didnt give a crap about each other.


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## Adventure Girl (Nov 16, 2008)

Maybe it's time for an ultimatum? If what you're saying is true, that you are doing about 300% of your fair share. 

I would suggest that you write down a contract on paper so it's well thought-out and simple. That way, you two can sit down together and read it. It'll cut down on emotional drama, too, when you are reading. 

The contract could have options like:
1. She goes to a psychiatrist/family counselor
2. You both go to a psychiatrist/family counselor
3. You see a judge

I also think there is a big possibility she has a medical condition of some kind. Perhaps adrenal fatigue or hypothyroid? She sounds symptomatic of one or both.

Good luck to you!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Tripledad76 said:


> I need some help, after 9 years and 3 beautiful little girls, I am ready to throw in the towel. I love my wife, but we are so distant and so far off pace from where we started. I think she is going through a depression, but can not get her to seek any help. My daughters and her mean the world to me, but the stress on me is affecting my health now. I work a night shift 4 days a week, and she has been a Homemaker for 8 years. We had a goal of 3 kids and when the last one was in school she would go back to work. I can not get her motivated to do anything, I mean I litterally handed her 3 jobs - ALL SHE HAD DO IS SHOW UP! They were jobs she could handle, but I feel she is scared to go bcak. She finally landed a job as a lunch time "bartender" in a place that was just starting up. The owner went on vacation before last X-mas, and she was taken off the schedule - no reason, answer & not even a returned phone call.
> 
> I think she needs something, but she will not open up to me. Everytime I talk to her about things in the house, she says: " stop lecturing me!" How can a talk be a lecture? To top it off I had a vas after she had our twins, now she is trying to tell me to reverse it. I mean she obviously can not handle the stress of a job or our three girls.....and she wants another! I have told her no - not even something bad happened to one of our angels. We are finacially strapped enough, and one more would put us homeless, but she does not see it that way. I tell her to help us with a budget and she goes out like it is a free day. I can no longer work 2 jobs, and the side work dried up. What do I do? I mean, I have had held up my end of the deal and supported us working 100+ hours for 7 years to provide for us. I finally hurt myself to the point I have to work hard just to show up for my regular 40 job - working in pain the whole time.
> 
> ...


ok, ANY advice???

you guys are so disconnected it's not even funny. please find a counselor (safe haven) and talk this out. even if it hurts. because you are cruisin' a road to ruin.

unless you can conduct a communication session yourself, where you both feel safe saying virtually anything to each other and about each other. you can't do it. that's what the paid professionals (?) are for. and i hold most of them in contempt. but you guys could really use it. go. please.


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## Tripledad76 (Nov 15, 2008)

I do care about her for one, or I would not be here now. I have been to counseling 3 times in 5 years, she flat out will not go. I know she has had emotional issues with her mom, she broke of all contact with them about a year and a half ago. I have tried to get her to see a doctor, I belive she is suffering from depression - she refuses to go. The three different counselors told me that I need to bring her in or there will be no healing. I tried the ultimatum - it was like two rams fighting. I left for a month to try to show her I would leave, but my kids had such a separation from it - I had to come home for them. There are alot of other things too, there are just too many to list. I appreciate everything from you guys so far, I'm the type that thinks in the box first - now it is time for that out of box theory.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Tripledad76 said:


> I do care about her for one, or I would not be here now. I have been to counseling 3 times in 5 years, she flat out will not go. I know she has had emotional issues with her mom, she broke of all contact with them about a year and a half ago. I have tried to get her to see a doctor, I belive she is suffering from depression - she refuses to go. The three different counselors told me that I need to bring her in or there will be no healing. I tried the ultimatum - it was like two rams fighting. I left for a month to try to show her I would leave, but my kids had such a separation from it - I had to come home for them. There are alot of other things too, there are just too many to list. I appreciate everything from you guys so far, I'm the type that thinks in the box first - now it is time for that out of box theory.


a depression diagnosis is actually easy to come by. i took a depression screening at my family doc and, lo and behold, i'm in the gray area. so maybe the family doc can get involved.

like i said though, diagnosis is one thing. what to do about it, gosh, there are as many ways to handle it as there are pharmaceutical companies.

her being made aware of it just might spark her into action. psychotherapy, pure counseling/talk therapy/psychologist stuff/meds, whatever. but her being made aware of it, if that's what she has, is half the battle.


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