# Possible Affair Advice



## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

Part of me suspects that my husband is having an affair and I don't know what to do. 

We have been together for almost ten years, and married for two. Back in the beginning of our relationship, he wasn't always faithful to me. I ended up forgiving him and we moved forward, and over the next few years I really felt he changed which is one of the reasons why I was okay with marrying him. We have certainly had some ups and downs since we married, but not until recently did I ever think an affair would be one of our issues again. 

A few weeks ago, two family members of mine (who I don't speak to) told my sister that they saw him driving with a blonde girl in the car who they thought was me (but it was not). I confronted my husband and he insisted that this wasn't true and after awhile of discussing it with him, I decided to take his word over theirs. Then, just the other day, I came across numerous e-mails from a woman who is semi-local to us, and they are all invitations for him to go link to certain accounts of hers. She also added him to her "circle" on Google. I'm honestly not sure what that is, but there was a picture of her included in these e-mails and she does have blonde hair. Again, I asked my husband about it and he said he had no idea why he was receiving them and that they were Spam. I have never heard of receiving Spam from someone local, nor has this ever happened to me on my Google account. My husband became very defensive and angry over it. He called me "stupid" and "dumb," and he also tried to turn the situation around and make an accusation of me. May I add that the accusation he tried bringing up was from back before we married when we broke up for a three-month time frame. I have tried bringing up us considering marriage counseling, and he refuses to go. So I'm not sure where to go with any of this. 

I'm unsure if I sound silly but even if I do, there is something telling me things aren't right. I just can't quite put my finger on it and I have nothing else to go on at the moment. I'm not looking for any harsh judgement... just advice and/or opinions would be greatly appreciated as I am hurting and not knowing what to think or where to go with it.

Does it sound like there could be something going on?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kind of phone does he use?


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

Galaxy S4 for the last couple weeks. Prior to that it was a Nokia Lumia.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

alee1212 said:


> I'm unsure if I sound silly but even if I do, there is something telling me things aren't right. I just can't quite put my finger on it and I have nothing else to go on at the moment. I'm not looking for any harsh judgement... just advice and/or opinions would be greatly appreciated as I am hurting and not knowing what to think or where to go with it.
> 
> Does it sound like there could be something going on?


Sounds like it but you should investigate further. DO NOT confront him anymore until you have concrete proof. If he doesn't know you're looking then he will be easier to catch. Put a GPS tracker and a VAR in his car. Install a keylogger on any computers he uses. You can also retrieve deleted text messages with 3rd party software. Keep tabs on his social media and email.

If you bag him then honestly he's a repeat offender so I'd say divorce him. You gave him a chance when you rug swept and if it turns out he's cheating on you again then you need to move on. Because a serial cheater will never give you the respect you deserve. What they will give you is an STD or worse.

Good Luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
The way to tell if the emails were really spam is from the content (if you have seen them). Do they have any personal information about him, or are the generic?

There are spam emails that appear to be from women - I get them often "Hi I'm olga and I would like to meet you". or "I just saw your post on facebook and thought we should talk. How do you like my picture..."

The key is that they don't have any real information - they sound like conversations, but they aren't. 


It is a little odd - is anyone really stupid enough to have an affair and talk about it in email?????


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yes. You know it. You have been there before with him. What alerted you in his first cheating episode? Since you allow him to repeatedly, over time, gaslight you, he will continue to cheat. When you married him, was this what you signed up for? I married mine twice, but discovered it isn't too late to change my mind after discovering he is a gaslighting cheater. It's difficult to determine which hurts more: The cheating or the gaslighting. I would say it is the gaslighting; it is the hallmark of a person who will never take responsibility for their own actions nor the repercussion those actions have on other people's lives. The fact that his behavior towards you is disrespectful, condescending and a mockery of your intelligence, after 10 years? He will not change that attitude he has that he deems to be okay.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Go with your gut instinct. Something is rotten here


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

The e-mails are invitations for him to go link himself to her Twitter account and also her FaceBook page. There are about six or seven different ones that I saw. Plus, as I stated, this woman added him to her "circle" on Google -- which I'm not sure what that is.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Different accounts? So Facebook, LinkedIn, twitter, what specifically?

Here's the thing. He's lying to you. He could get one piece of email from a blonde spambot to join Facebook. But the same spambot targeting different accounts? Nope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> The way to tell if the emails were really spam is from the content (if you have seen them). Do they have any personal information about him, or are the generic?
> 
> There are spam emails that appear to be from women - I get them often "Hi I'm olga and I would like to meet you". or "I just saw your post on facebook and thought we should talk. How do you like my picture..."
> ...


You can also look at the actual email address it came from, many times its obvious to spot its spam that way also.

Yes most are stupid enough to use email, at least in the beginning.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

At this point your best bet is to keep quiet and gather the info you will need to decide what to do.

Look for Weightlifters standard list of things to do.

Get some Voice Activated Recorders and a keylogger for the computer.

Good luck.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

The e-mails say... 
To: "His actual e-mail address"
From: The woman's first and last name (via Twitter).

And the Facebook one says...
To: "His actual e-mail address"
From: The woman's direct sales business name, on Facebook.

Some are deemed as "Important" because it was sent directly to him???


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

This woman added him on Google "circles" twice (from two different accounts.) Again, I'm not sure what that is. But it just doesn't seem right to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> The e-mails are invitations for him to go link himself to her Twitter account and also her FaceBook page. There are about six or seven different ones that I saw. Plus, as I stated, this woman added him to her "circle" on Google -- which I'm not sure what that is.


It's a Google + Feature, I think. I have to use it for professional reasons. Darned if I can work it out, however!

It's similar to Facebook. _I think._:scratchhead:

It might be someone promoting their business. Whilst not 100% spam, it does have some elements of spam.

So, it might not be evidence of him cheating.

But why wouldn't he want marriage counselling? Have you asked him?

Don't tip your hand, however. Keep your powder dry.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

I have asked him why he doesn't want to go to counseling, and he says it isn't for him and that we don't have the money for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> I have asked him why he doesn't want to go to counseling, and he says it isn't for him and that we don't have the money for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are some low cost or free options:-
https://www.ourrelationship.com/free-marriage-counseling-alternative-program-for-couples/

Crisis Family Care | Free Marriage Counseling Help | Free Marriage Enrichment Seminar

Help Your Relationship with Free Marriage Counseling

Couples and Marriage Counseling

I have no knowledge of any of the above websites, but they might be worth checking out.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

There are a lot of red flags. 

1) History of cheating (makes him more likely to cheat again)
2) Family members saw him driving with a blonde & you are not blonde (What color is your hair? Is it significantly darker / different from a blonde hue? Just trying to think of every possibility)
3) Insulted you / became defensive when confronted
4) Tried to turn things around and blame you (gaslighting)
5) Refuses marriage counseling (doesn't want a third party to blame him or shine the light on his activities)

I think you should keep quiet for now and investigate. This post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html has advice for gathering evidence.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, he's cheating.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

2) Family members saw him driving with a blonde & you are not blonde (What color is your hair? Is it significantly darker / different from a blonde hue? Just trying to think of every possibility)


**** I have blonde hair, too. That's why my family members thought it was me. *


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> 2) Family members saw him driving with a blonde & you are not blonde (What color is your hair? Is it significantly darker / different from a blonde hue? Just trying to think of every possibility)
> 
> 
> **** I have blonde hair, too. That's why my family members thought it was me. *


As long as you KNOW it wasn't you, then that is all that's important here.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Follow the link DHP provided in post 17. Shut up and observe. 

If something is going on, you will start to find out. Do not confront until you have the smoking gun. You may find little pieces, if you confront he will get smarter at hiding things. Use the little pieces to assemble the big picture.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Alee,

Sorry you're going through this. Trust you gut. He's probably cheating. Go into stealth mode. Mouth shut, eyes wide open. Stop talking to him about it. Let him have a false sense of security so evidence will be easier to obtain. 

Meantime decide if cheating is a deal breaker for you. Decide how you'll respond if you find he's cheating. Make a game plan so when the time comes you can just "follow the program"

Almost all betrayed spouses make the mistake of engaging back and forth with the adulterer in order to save the marriage. Reality is there is no marriage left to save and it's a moot point. Sorta like wrestling in the mud with a pig... you only get tired, frustrated and dirty... besides, the pig likes it. 

Almost always the proper response to a discovered cheater is: 
Don't warn the cheater you are about to do the following
Lawyer up
Protect assets
Implement the 180
Serve divorce papers
Expose the cheaters
Go dark
All done as simultaneously as possible

Brace yourself and good luck.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Alee, 

There's a lot of smoke that gives the appearance of an A but you need more evidence before you can confirm. The defensiveness of his denial is a "biggy". Refusal of MC is large as well. He probably doesn't want to have to defend the stuff you do know to a third party for fear of being called out on it.

It may be tough to put on a "happy face" and let him think you dropped this but that's what you'll have to do. You sort of tipped you hand he may try harder to hide stuff from you.

Remember a lot of us on here have travelled down this road before. We're here for support and help when you need it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> I have asked him why he doesn't want to go to counseling, and he says it isn't for him and that we don't have the money for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And what do you expect counseling to do for a serial betrayer?

Were it me, I'd sit him down and say something like, "Look, let's not lie to one another anymore. I know you're betraying me yet once again with XXXXX. Let's just be adults and call it quits." And then leave. 

I mean, why drag it all out? Why do the dance, gather the evidence..... when it's all pretty much oout in the open?

Seems to me it'd be less pain for you.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

*UPDATE:

I decided to look into things a little more by going back into his e-mail. After searching his "sent items," I noticed there was one to this same girl. Obviously I clicked on it and came to find out it was from two years ago, and it was him replying to her from one of our Craigslist ads when we were trying to sell something on there and she had said she was interested. We never ended up selling the item so there was never any meet for it. So, my guess is this girl got his e-mail from his reply to her and added him to her Google "circles" for some reason and that's how he's getting e-mails to follow her on Twitter and Facebook? 

What I still am pondering, though, is why two of my family members were insisting they saw him driving with a blonde girl in the passenger seat. The family members are my father and stepmother (who I haven't spoke to in two years). I never put in my original post who they were or the fact that my father is known to be a troublemaker. My stepmother - not so much though. But she's like a little mouse and honestly not all there. One thing I will give her is that she hasn't always stuck up for my father with things, and in the past I have seen her say when she feels my father is exaggerating or being ridiculous. So... I truly don't know what to think of it. My husband looked me straight in the eye numerous times and told me it wasn't true and that maybe it was a mistaken identity. But why I don't think it was a mistaken identity was 1.) because of the time-frame and where I knew he was that day, and 2.) because they gave other details such as saying they saw our dog in the car as well (which she was.) I asked him if he would take a lie detector test and he said, "I absolutely would. And when you find out I am telling you the truth, you can thank your father for trying to ruin our lives." After that is when I decided to take his word over theirs but part of me does still wonder.

I have asked him why he got so angry and defensive over everything after I confronted him with things, and he told me it was because he tired of being made out to be a piece of sh*t when he really is not. He swears to me he is not doing anything behind my back and that he is only for me. 

So maybe I was being silly over the entire situation? :scratchhead: I don't know. I guess all I can do is keep my eyes open from this point on.

Thank you for all of the replies and support with this.*


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> So maybe I was being silly over the entire situation? :scratchhead: I don't know. I guess all I can do is keep my eyes open from this point on.
> 
> Thank you for all of the replies and support with this.[/B]


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I remain highly skeptical.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Acoa said:


>


HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That's funny.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I remain highly skeptical.


May I ask you why? I only want to ask that because I posted my same concern on another forum page and all I got were rude comments saying that I was ridiculous for even considering taking my family members' - who I don't speak to - word over my own husband's. People were also saying that if I were to take him for a lie detector test that right after it was over with, he should be the one handing me divorce papers. 

It all just baffles me.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I don't know, there are some obvious red flags here, however, unless you have anything concrete on him then you are just assuming at this point. Granted he has history of cheating that makes me sway more towards there is probably something not right. Being defensive about questions is always a red flag to me. If you have done nothing wrong then why get all pissed about it. As far as your family "seeing" him in the car with a blonde...you have no real proof to accuse him at this point. If you want to do some digging go through his emails, accounts, ezpass statements, phone records, browser history and when you have something that you can nail him with do it. But until then don't accuse him because men get this attitude where it's "well if you are going to accuse me of doing something I am not doing I might as well".....but again he has a poor track record so he should watch his step!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Or just ask him. "hey, dad and stepmom said they saw you with a blonde in the car. What's with that?" See what he says.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read the top link in my signature. It is the experience of dozens.

Step by step.

Meanwhile. Stop accusing and start looking.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Read the top link in my signature. It is the experience of dozens.
> 
> Step by step.
> 
> Meanwhile. Stop accusing and start looking.


Voice activated recorder VAR in his car under his seat attached with heavy velcro and long lasting lithium batteries for starters.
You will get some answers.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I remain skeptical. Unfortunately you have alerted him that you are vigilant and he will make more efforts to take it underground. From now on you need to be mouth shut, eyes wide open and var under the car seat. His history is a good indicator of the future, so watch out. Good luck.


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## alee1212 (Aug 13, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Or just ask him. "hey, dad and stepmom said they saw you with a blonde in the car. What's with that?" See what he says.


I did ask him. That's what started all of my suspicions. He told me that it wasn't true, that no one else was in the vehicle, and that I have a "piece of sh*t father" for trying to ruin our lives by what was probably a mistaken identity or just him trying to cause trouble because he has been known to do that with things in the past - meaning my dad.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Op.
eyes open.
MOUTH CLOSED.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

alee1212 said:


> I did ask him. That's what started all of my suspicions. He told me that it wasn't true, that no one else was in the vehicle, and that I have a "piece of sh*t father" for trying to ruin our lives by what was probably a mistaken identity or just him trying to cause trouble because he has been known to do that with things in the past - meaning my dad.



Is your father a POS who is trying to ruin your life and hurt his daughter by making up lies about your H? 

I don't know your dad, but I am one and if I didn't like her H I sure wouldn't lie about his fidelity to try and cause a D. I wouldn't risk doing anything that gave him an excuse to isolate herself from family. 

Assuming your dad is a good one, or. At least not an a$$hat, it sounds to me like your H is manipulating to turn everything onto others. 

If this was an innocent mistake, why wouldn't he just say it's not true and ask what he can do to make you feel more secure? No, he jumped on you and started name calling your family. That doesn't sound innocent. 

If you are unsure, just do what has already been said. Shut up, pretend things are okay. And go covert ops mode to monitor everything you can. Never reveal your sources, and make copies of your evidence and store it someplace safe. Either you will find nothing and feel embarrassed or you will confirm your gut. Either way you can proceed with whatever choice you make in the relationship based on truth.

And be careful what sites you get advice from. Some are pro cheater and believe the problem with infidelity is not the cheating, it's getting caught.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

> "I absolutely would. And when you find out I am telling you the truth, you can thank your father for trying to ruin our lives." After that is when I decided to take his word over theirs but part of me does still wonder.


Yeah, and my wayward husband swore on my life, his life, etc that he wasn't cheating on me, too. 

I betcha he only said that he would take a poly because it was/is a hypothetical and he knows that you wouldn't go through with it. Words are cheap. 

I still think there's something fishy here. Even if your dad is a trouble-maker, how would he know to say he saw your husband with another woman at a time that you couldn't possibly have been with him? How would he know about the dog? 

Keep being observant.


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