# Working on Trust - Can it Ever Come Back



## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

We have been together 29 years and married 27. While we were dating, H cheated on me many times. We got married when I became pregnant. 

We have had our ups and down as most couples do but because of history, behaviors and patterns of lying, I cannot trust him. 

We started counseling in March when our problems became severe. I looked through his personal emails and found some old ones that had been sent to a co-worker. Nothing major just a video from a vacation (Niagra Falls) and one that he had given her chocolate for helping him on a project. That bothered me because I don't get that special treatment. So I find a counselor, make appointment. That weekend we made plans to go out on a date. As I am at work and he is at home getting ready, he is messaging a female friend (friend of his female cousin that they have known) making plans to meet for lunch, giving her his number. So I act like I don't know until that evening when we are driving and I explode. He had always had all female friends and gravitates towards them. That is one of the reasons we went to counseling but it was never addressed. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior.

So fast forward to now- a few weeks ago I went into his FB account. For whatever reason, I looked at the archive messages and there was a conversation he had with his ex-girlfriend 2 years ago. This is the girlfriend he left for me. Needless to say I was devastated. The messages were nothing other than asking about his family and hers. He claims she initiates the contact and swore up and down on his life that he was telling the truth. He said she had even contacted his sister. I confirmed that this was true with his sister. 

We have found a faith-based counselor, he started IC and has also returned to Church with me. 

I am at a loss as to what to do. I need to know I can trust him or there is no sense in being together. One thing I will not compromise on is the female friends and he also must give access to cell phones and emails. He will let me look at personal cell phone but don't have access to work phone. 

How do I address this in counseling without making him feel as if I am forcing him to give that up?


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## EMZED (Jul 29, 2014)

You have been with this man for three decades and know what he is like. Female friends aside for a minute. 

What kind of partner is he? Is he respectful, affectionate? Did he help with the kid(s) when they were young? Does he do his share of the chores and home maintenance? Does he pay attention to your interests and feelings, do activities with you? Are you happy with your sex life?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He is a good father and our boys love him. Our sex life is better than what it was a few months ago. He helps out around the house, works hard, we spend all of our time together and he is trying. The only thing is that I cannot get over this. All of these trust issues didn't not hit the roof until this year.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Lay it on the line but expect to be told it is against company policy.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He knows I won't believe that. He has never told me that before. He let me look once at text messages but there was nothing there. I know they don't have access to wi-fi or google. I just want to see calls and emails. I realize it is my own fault for never placing boundaries in all those years. Now that it bothers me, I won't compromise on it.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I am really glad you are going to counseling. You should really bring up everything that you have told us. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for your spouse. You won't be able to trust him again until you get rid of that resentment.

Also, I am a little confused. You said that your husband left a girl to be with you. Was that not the girl that he cheated with while you were dating? I think you were well aware of your husband's behavior and it is not completely clear why NOW you are choosing to react to it. Why were you silent for so long?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

He was off and on with both of us at the same time. For years stuff didn't bother me because I didn't look for it thus never finding anything. It wasn't until this year when things became severe that I started looking. Once I started looking, I realized that he was still capable of this stuff. This was brought up in our firse session with our other counselor but never addressed. He is the one that had to suggest we talk about it in counsing because things were not being discussed with the counselor.

His phones are always on, never on silent and left out next to bed. He doesn't hide them or take them with him when he showers, etc. He posts stuff of us together on FB, etc. It's just the trust that I can't get back and over with. It's super hard, eating me up and causing anxiety. I don't know what to do.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

What caused you to be suspicious of him? Did his behavior change that made you think something wasn't right?

I am just asking because I find it really amazing that you could trust him for all those years and then now it is a problem. Maybe I am missing something.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Maybe I just didn't care. We didn't really have a great relationship, I didn't want to have sex ,etc. Things started changing in march of this year and he was very cold. I suspected that there may be other reasons for his behavior. That is when I began snooping and things came to a head.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

My spouse also broke my trust while we were dating. I still married him because he acknowledged that what he was doing was wrong, saw my side of it, and cared enough about me to actually stop doing it. Once he apologized and acknowledged he was wrong, I felt better. He has continued to keep his promise and my trust in him is growing.

My feeling is that you need your husband to acknowledge this behavior, that it is wrong, that it is a boundary in your marriage, and that you do NOT think it is acceptable. And probably, you are looking for an apology. I would definitely bring this up in marriage counseling. Contact with ex's or other females that is unrelated to business should be a boundary. Be FIRM about what you want and expect.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> My spouse also broke my trust while we were dating. I still married him because he acknowledged that what he was doing was wrong, saw my side of it, and cared enough about me to actually stop doing it. Once he apologized and acknowledged he was wrong, I felt better. He has continued to keep his promise and my trust in him is growing.
> 
> My feeling is that you need your husband to acknowledge this behavior, that it is wrong, that it is a boundary in your marriage, and that you do NOT think it is acceptable. And probably, you are looking for an apology. I would definitely bring this up in marriage counseling. Contact with ex's or other females that is unrelated to business should be a boundary. Be FIRM about what you want and expect.


You are very right. I am looking for a sincere apology and he did in counseling for contact with the ex. He acknowledged that he should not have even replied. As far as the females, he just doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. But if I were having male friends he would not like it. He is the type that becomes defensive and thinks he is being controlled. I have to approach things differently with him. I can't wait to go to our first session on Wednesday.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think forgiveness and rebuilding trust only happens when there's change. This is an article I wrote about it.


Forgiveness: Should You?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

For me, I don't think significant change has been made. I sometimes just want to give up.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You know... I can identify with one part of your story... my ex and I were together 17 years and I had no boundaries. Cost me a lot financially and emotionally. I feel for you...


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

It kills me. What kills me more is the fact that he doesn't think what he does is inappropriate. We have had a horrible weekend and week. I started anti-depressants yesterday.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

In addition to couples counseling you may want to consider individual counseling. 29 years of marriage that you consider not so great and book ends of trust issues can cause a lot of individual unhappiness that is not easy to untangle. 
What outcome would you like to have in the end?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I am in IC now. He went for his orientation last week. When I realized that they assigned him my therapist, she called him to tell him she couldn't see him anymore. She offered to assign another one but he declined. He has a difficult time opening up with personal things so he just agreed to MC. I would like to trust him and get over all the past garbage. I don't think it is possible though and the only thing may be is to end it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jasmin, he knows what he does is inappropriate, that's why he doesn't want you having male friends. He gaslights you because it's worked for him; opposite sex friends should be joint friends of the marriage and clearly they're not. And on top of that he lies about it; does that sound like someone that sees nothing wrong with it?

You've got a guy that likes attention from women. Period. You've either got to lay out boundaries and keep them or live with it, but he must know that you're going to dump him. Then he can decide what matters more, but I have to tell you that after decades of this bull he's not likely to change. Sure he'll cry that he's sorry but he'll get better at hiding it. Hopefully your counseling will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your basic philosophy of marriage is incompatible. So even if he tells you he finally agreed he will be lying. Thus he will always carry on and hide It and lie because he believes your requests are unreasonable. There will always come along someone he feels worth risking you for

The problem resides in his heart of hearts.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jasmine9 said:


> I am in IC now. He went for his orientation last week. When I realized that they assigned him my therapist, she called him to tell him she couldn't see him anymore. She offered to assign another one but he declined. He has a difficult time opening up with personal things so he just agreed to MC. I would like to trust him and get over all the past garbage. I don't think it is possible though and the only thing may be is to end it.


So sorry


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