# Seprated for two months



## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

My husband and I have been separated for two months now. I feel bad because I don't miss him. He has been a verbally abusive husband. I finally had enough of him on memorial day this year and that's when I stopped caring. Is it possible my feelings will come back? How do I get past the past? We have been together for 9 years and married for 4.
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## Pistol (Nov 17, 2011)

Yes your feelings will reoccure. And so will his abusive tendencies if you don't handle them correctly. 
You must let him know that this is the source of the issues your marriage is having. Ask him too get help if you feel it's needed. You have to let him know that if you reconsile that you will not be subjected to the verbal abuse. If he wants to reconsile then he will either get help or be sencere and not hurt you.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I guess one question is has he always been verbally abusive? What do you consider verbal abuse? Have you made it clear to him how the way he speaks to you makes you feel? 

To you question, can the feelings come back? Absolutely! But that involves time and commitment together. Its hard to reconnect apart. You have an obstacle in his behavior. He will have to make some changes in the way he deals with things. Unfortunately, that is something you cannot control. If he loves you and truly understands the consequences of this repeated behavior (losing you), he should desire to change.
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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I have told him time and time again not to treat me that way. We started mc back in june just to open his eyes up to what he was doing to me. I mentioned awhile back and he said he did need to go. Name calling, belittling me and a hand full of other names. I think he has a little npd. He haas told me that he takes me for granted.
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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I think the feelings are able to return, but if they don't, please don't beat yourself up over it.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give us an example of the circumstance and what he normally says/does that you consider to be belittlig?


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

It may seem a little out of place, and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I myself am a verbal abuser in the process of reforming myself. This is a serious issue, and something that I'm trying to change about myself with every ounce of strength I have. It's the reason I'm here, and the reason my wife asked for a separation 2 months ago. I never, ever got physical, and would never dream of laying a hand on my wife or my daughters, or any woman for that matter, but verbal abuse is still abuse. 

I'm only giving you my story so you can gain some perspective on what may be going through your husbands mind, or perhaps get an idea of what he's feeling and what he's fighting inside himself. I've discovered things about myself over the past two months that I never knew were there. I took a step outside my own body and looked at myself from someone else' perspective and realized what a monster I could be (not all the time, not even 10% of the time, but it's not acceptable ANY time), and now I'm dead-set on not being that person ever again. I was always a big softie and a true romantic at heart, so to see the person I had become was a real wake up call for me, and my cue to stop myself from going down the terrible path I was going down. 

I was not always this way, and I think as I got older and more dissatisfied with myself, and my own confidence and self-esteem dwindled down to nothing, I had to drag my wife down there with me and make her feel how I felt. I've always had a temper, but had outlets when I was younger to vent that temper and take out aggression (played hockey for 15 years, but a new job and extensive travel required me to stop that) but I would never ever take it out on my wife the way I have been the last few years. I have recognized what I feel are the reasons for my behavior and I'm trying desperately to gain control of my emotions, my temper, and to be a better person overall. Now I'm trying to put my life back together and be a happier, more confident, more positive person. Alcohol played a major factor in my behavior as well, which I'm sober now for two months, since the day we separated. The outbursts and nastiness had a tendency to show themselves when I drank too much, though I didn't drink often. When I did I got blackout drunk and turned into a monster, and someone who I never want to be ever again.

Please push your husband to get help! Don't let it get to the point of my relationship. If he can't change, and won't agree to see someone and get help, then leave and don't look back! I'm being 100% honest with you. I understand entirely why my wife left, and I'm hoping we can fix things between us, but also have accepted the fact that I probably don't deserve her forgiveness or for her to come back. Understand, though, that if he doesn't want to change himself, you're not going to change him. You can try to do what you can to push him in the right direction, but ultimately it's up to him to recognize he has a problem, and to fix that problem. Our behavior is entirely unacceptable, but at the same time, I'm sure deep down he can be a great husband, and a great man, but might need a little nudge in the right direction so he can get help and be the man that he needs to be. I hope he can be a better man than I was, and recognize his problem before it's too late! 

Again, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, but want you to understand that your husband really, really needs help. I wish I had recognized my problem and gotten help sooner. Good luck with him! Remember, if he can't change, then he's not worth it. Women are beautiful, every single one of them, and you don't deserve to put up with that, just like my wife didn't deserve it from me. Good luck!


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Troubldhusband, thanks for your story and input. My husband doesnt think he has a problem. He has told me that before. I fill like i have giving him chance after chance to stop being verbally abusive. Ive told many of time to stop treating me that way. He would for a little bit and return to old self. Im having a hard time getting past that. We stoped going to mc and i told him i wanted to go by myself but wasn't sure. He told me that he thought i should go and not him. He holds everyone to a high standard including him self and ppl are always letting him down including me. I told him to stop doing that also. He has been to ic 1 time. Im waiting to see if he goes again without me telling him to go. Being on this website and getting everything out has helped a lot. I have been to the book stores to read up on this. By what i have read and heard when i first posted my story back in june or july. It will be really hard for him to change and will always go back to his old self. Past behavior reflects future behavior.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Nicole, my husband and I went through this back in 2006. We went to MC. We were separated for a few months. The only thing that worked and has worked for us, is HIM changing the person he was. He is no longer verbally abusive, so he has not gone back to his old ways. Sometimes they do/can change, but they have to WANT to change in order to have their prize (wife) back. My H desperately wanted me back, so he did what he needed to do.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nicole2011 said:


> will always go back to his old self. Past behavior reflects future behavior.


If you really believe this, then don't waste your time. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy so you may as well quit now while you are ahead.

My wife inherited narcissist traits that include abusive raging. Maybe she has a disorder, maybe she is just imitating her mom. But I still love her. We choose what we want to believe and through that choice, which prophecies we want to fulfill.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

My WAW said she believes I am hard wired and unchangeable. Even when our MC pointed out that everyone can change she disagreed.

I believe anyone can change. Even my WAW.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

One more question. I still not missing my husband after 2 months. I'm staying with my mom, do you think that has anything to do with my feelings? Having someone around to take my mind off of him or should i miss him no matter what?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> One more question. I still not missing my husband after 2 months. I'm staying with my mom, do you think that has anything to do with my feelings? Having someone around to take my mind off of him or should i miss him no matter what?


If you were going to miss him at all, you'd be missing him no matter what. Sounds like it time to stop leading him on and just file for D. Let him go on with his life.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

This is me said:


> My WAW said she believes I am hard wired and unchangeable. Even when our MC pointed out that everyone can change she disagreed.
> 
> I believe anyone can change. Even my WAW.



:iagree: :iagree: But only if they WANT to change.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Thanks Southern Wife!! That's what I have been thinking the whole time but i guess i needed reassurance.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: But only if they WANT to change.


So true. Her 10% efforts working at the marriage do not give me alot of hope.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

This is me said:


> So true. Her 10% efforts working at the marriage do not give me alot of hope.


I'm so sorry.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

This is me said:


> So true. Her 10% efforts working at the marriage do not give me alot of hope.


Sorry to hear that!


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

So, i talked to my husband on Tuesday for about 2 hours on the phone. We talked about everything. We have made the decision to make a decision in Feb. He told me that he has changed and doesn't want me to miss the new h. Is that just something he saying to get me back or do you really think he has changed? It has only been 2 months.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is me said:


> My WAW said she believes I am hard wired and unchangeable. Even when our MC pointed out that everyone can change she disagreed.
> 
> I believe anyone can change. Even my WAW.


I used to believe anyone could change. But I don't believe that any more. People with certain personality disorders don't ever recognize that they have a problem (like NPD) so they will never change. Some people may WANT to change but not have the CAPACITY to change. But some people just cannot change - like my mother. She is a narcissist and has no ability to be self-aware. Self-awareness is necessary for change. Some people are so damaged, or have such disordered and entrenched thinking, that they literally cannot change.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> So, i talked to my husband on Tuesday for about 2 hours on the phone. We talked about everything. We have made the decision to make a decision in Feb. He told me that he has changed and doesn't want me to miss the new h. Is that just something he saying to get me back or do you really think he has changed? It has only been 2 months.


Talk is cheap. What has he DONE to change? What steps has he taken? Saying you have changed means nothing. Proving you've changed through consistent actions (like going to therapy for a year or two) shows change. But just saying the words or making promises really means very little.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Talk is cheap. What has he DONE to change? What steps has he taken? Saying you have changed means nothing. Proving you've changed through consistent actions (like going to therapy for a year or two) shows change. But just saying the words or making promises really means very little.



None that i know of. Mc sent a message stating she had an opening on sat. so im going. I asked her if my h had called and she said no. We went together 6 times i think and he has been once by his self. This will be my 3rd time. I think he has some traits of npd.


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