# Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse



## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

Hello,

I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Lots of guys can be "good". Any other positive from your husband, things you actually like/love/appreciate from him? How did you guys get married and how was the marriage in the first couple years? How old is your daughter?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

When you are in love you feel a rush of dopamine just thinking about the other person. You want to spend a lot of time with them. You feel like you are emotionally bonded and you desire them sexually. After 44 years, just the smell of my wife stirs my lust. I like spending time with her and cannot imagine living without her. We met and were engaged 3 weeks later and that love is still here, maybe even stronger since it has matured. If you cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with your husband, then you are not in love.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Hello,
> 
> I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.


Your question makes me feel sad for you because you clearly are not currently in love with your husband. If you were in love you would know it, you would feel happy and excited to be around your husband, you would not feel unheard or distant or plain about your relationship. Your situation is very common though. It is very easy to fall into bad habits in marriage where both, or one, spouse ends up feeling as you do. 

I would read the "basic concepts" here. I think it could be extremely helpful to you and your husband:
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Hello,
> 
> I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.


Seems like we are getting this post a lot on here. Talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him what you need. Give him a chance before you throw it away. Marriage and life goes through cycles. 



> I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship.


This is your problem, it's can kill love. But it doesn't mean it has to. But he needs the chance to fight.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> *When you are in love you feel a rush of dopamine just thinking about the other persons.* You want to spend a lot of time with them. You feel like you are emotionally bonded and you desire them sexually. After 44 years, just the smell of my wife stirs my lust. I like spending time with her and cannot imagine living without her. We met and were engaged 3 weeks later and that love is still here, maybe even stronger since it has matured. If you cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with your husband, then you are not in love.


*This makes entirely perfect sense! 

As for both my XW and my RSXW, whenever I simply think about either of them, I feel this sudden rush of "strychnine!"*


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Seems like we are getting this post a lot on here. Talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him what you need. Give him a chance before you throw it away. Marriage and life goes through cycles.
> 
> 
> 
> This is your problem, it's can kill love. But it doesn't mean it has to. But he needs the chance to fight.


I had individual session with my marriage counselor and she also pointed to me that not communicating is the key problem. My husband might be thinking that if there is no love, then we should not try and waste time, although he still loves me. He wants me to make sure i still love him before we reconcile and give our marriage a try.


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

From our MC (Marriage counselor) and talking to long-term marriage people - the feeling of "love" goes up and down in waves through a marriage. You're gonna have good days and bad days. Not including cheating or abusive relationships. So sometimes there is a rut you need to work out. Now when it comes to us guys - we may NOT notice you are not happy and not quite hear you correctly when you bring it up. "happy now? what can I get you" vs "unhappy - may want a divorce". You'll need to be clear.

#1 thing YOU can do, is talk to a therapist as well as setup an MC meeting for you and your husband to attend. If he doesn't want to go - then that is an issue too.

All MARRIAGES require *work*. And if you have a toddler, they tend to suck the life out of romance. It's NORMAL. You need to have DATENIGHT with your husband at least 2-4 times a month.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

If you hold anger and resentment towards your husband, that is probably a huge part of the problem. I wen through the same thing years ago. I didn't like him, didn't like him touching or kissing me, didn't like sleeping with him or having sex with him. All of that turns out was because of resentment I had towards him. If I didn't "like" him, I surely wasn't going to feel love for him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a woman who had been married for, I think, 60 years.

Someone asked her this question: "During your marriage, did you ever think of divorce?"

Her reply was: "Divorced? *Never*! But murder? Oh, many times!" 

You don't have to like someone all the time to love them.

Might I suggest more individual counselling for you and couple's counselling for both of you?

Your husband might also benefit from individual counselling, too.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Peace you hit the nail on the head communication...

Dr. Phil tells a story about a elderly couple he met at a some dinner, and they were celebrating their 50 years anniversary, and he casually asked them how did they make it 50 years together? the couple thought about it and she spoke for the both of them and said that there were times when she was in love or more in love than he was and other times when he was in love or more in love than she was....but at no time were they out of love together. 

So consider this Peace, perhaps today you are less in love with him, you respect him and care about him but may not love him as you once did, but than something will happen that will spark something in you and remind you why you fell in love in the first place or you discover something new about him you like and understand that it may also happen the other way around when you find that you are so in love with him and he not so much. let's face it the world at times looks awesome when you look from the inside looking out, you feel trapped and stagnate but that is only a phase, a rut of sorts, because if generally speaking when your life is good for the most part, our mind tend to wander and we start re-examing who we are, what we want...and we start to question things....and we don't talk about it....on either side...this is when real relationships begin, not when you agree on everything but when you disagree on things...not as a challenge but as an opportunity to explore our differences, and understand our how each of us are changing as we get older....remember your not the same girl he married...nor is he the same boy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?


Love is not just romantic feeling. And honestly love is not enough in a marriage. You could be deeply in love and if the person abuses you that is an issue and the love doesn't really matter. In your case I think hurt and resentment can obstruct love and eventually even kill it. If you don't feel like you are being heard this is a major problem. Does you husband know this? Have you articulated these feelings to him? 

In many ways love is an action. There are people who cheat and still claim they are in love with their spouse who they are cheating on. Are they? I don't think so, not as I understand love. What is that love worth at that point anyway. My advice to you is to not get caught up in the butterflies and yearning that you feel when everything is new or even just without conflict, and work on communicating with your spouse. See if he can address your needs. 

I suspect if he does, if you see him working for you that may change your feelings. If he doesn't want to change, if he changes and you still don't feel it then that will be the time to deal with the fact that your love is gone. Then it may be time to give up. 

When you have flood in your house you must first fix the leak before you can fix the damage from the flood.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

The book, The Five Love Languages, may help. Maybe he's not speaking your love language and you just need your love bucket filled.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?


My wife once told me that she thought she did not love me anymore. As painful as that sounds, it was important for me to hear that so that we could start working together to find ourselves in a better place. We have accomplished a lot, we now better understand what we need from one another, and how to better respect each other's personal development as we move forwards in life in a loving way. 

*The important thing is that it sounds like you want to feel in love again, and you actually can ask your husband to help you with that!*

In the meantime is it OK to feel unloving towards your spouse? Absolutely! I'm fairly certain that this happens in all relationships as better fights play out passive aggressively and unspoken. What is important is that you work with your husband to talk about these feelings and try to address them together in a loving way. 

Sometimes a simple place to start is to talk about personal space in your marriage, and how the two of you can advocate for "quality personal time apart" in such a way that it creates something positive that you can then _share_ with each other as a way to bring the two of you closer. An example might be that one of the two of you takes cooking classes, puts those new talents to work, and your family can share in some healthy gourmet dining at home. The other person may wish to take some classes on DIY projects to improve your home, then put those new talents to work, and now your family can enjoy some nice quality time together outside enjoying a new addition to the deck or relaxing landscaping. Those are the types of things that will really create a strong sense of belonging to each other, and that is to strive towards something new and then share that for the benefit of your family.

Hope that helps!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No such thing as soul mates. No such thing as luck. Got it? 

If you aren't happy, only you can fix that. Go find your happiness.


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

Thanks for sharing. Since you didn't call him your ex i assume your marriage is in better shape now and you was able to feel love your hubby again? Please ignore if this is too personal for you to share.


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## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?


Peace, I guess you have found from all comments here that when there’s trouble in your marriage, it is usually from both sides. Otherwise, you wouldn’t come here to ask. If you search around in this forum, with the question you asked, most people here will say all the beautiful thing they have in their marriage and that won’t fit to your situation. They are happy, you are currently not. They are up on the hill, you are somewhere near the bottom. Can you climb up from where you are? Sure you can, but before that you should ask yourself: do you want to climb up? Only you can answer. 

It is very important to think about your marriage back to the start. Was it joyful and happy, or crappy from day 1? What did you love about your husband at the time that you agreed to marry him? Are these qualities still there now? I mean if you don’t have any positive thing to say about your husband now, besides he's being a just "good" guy, it’s gone. If you can't recall any happy and joyful time with him then it’s gone. 

Whether you still love him? Is this question even important? Love or not, it’s just how different people call it. Another person might be in exactly the same situation as you are but she names it different from you. You still call it “love”, she doesn’t, or vice versa. But it's the same situation. The real question you two should ask is if you want your old time marriage back and if you are willing to work on it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The grass is greener where you water it.


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## Jim-50+ (Apr 2, 2015)

There is a great quote, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person,” by Mignon McLaughlin, an American author. 

There is also a good remedy I hear Dr. Laura Schlessinger frequently recommend. Try treating your spouse like you would if you were madly in love with them; like they were the best person in the world, and like you were the best lover in the world. Do it for the next 30 days and see what happens. Include doing things for them in every way that you can think of, including trying to seduce them. It may rekindle your feelings because 'Feelings' often follow 'Actions'. It also may stir reactions from your spouse that will fire up the old feelings of love that you both need. An unhappy relationship is rarely just the fault of your spouse - it is usually both members of the marriage who are to blame. This 30 day test is a way to test whether a large part of the problem is your own fault. 

I believe it is best to try and ignore the problems you have had and just try to concentrate on doing positive actions that work toward where you want to go and where you want to be - happily married.

From the limited details of your story, your husband sounds like a pretty good husband. If you get rid of him you may find that there are plenty of other women who would be glad to get him on the rebound. I have also heard that 70% of people who get a divorce at some point later wish they had not gotten a divorce. But usually they realize this too late to get back together again. Many times, unless it is Abuse, Addictions, or Adultery, they only find that they are even more unhappy after the divorce than they were before the divorce.

This advice comes from a guy with a One-In-A-Million marriage of 54 years.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Resentment will kill any relationship. Unfortunately resentment is always the fault of the person feeling it.

Anger is appropriate in many instances in any relationship. Hopefully you bite your tongue at times so you don't say something you don't really mean, but it is not helpful to hold your anger in.

After anger you have two choices. Calm down and let it go, or start it up again until your issues are addressed. Building resentment is NOT a third option but that's what people do to themselves.

Any relationship requires that we let things go. Call it respecting the other persons point of view, choosing your battles... many names for it.

You are letting your resentment kill your relationship. We don't know if H is a jerk or if you are wrong or both are wrong or neither is wrong. But I don't think it matters.

When people talk about communicating they are talking about saying the hard truths that must be said (remember option #1 is let it go - but some things can't be let go). People are loath to be honest with their S. 

So try in writing. "I am full of resentment and it's killing my love for you. It's hard to say but it's true. Will you work with me to try to address some of the issues I have so I can work through this? Some of it is me and some of it is you.". That would be hard to say but harder to ignore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> If you hold anger and resentment towards your husband, that is probably a huge part of the problem. I wen through the same thing years ago. I didn't like him, didn't like him touching or kissing me, didn't like sleeping with him or having sex with him. All of that turns out was because of resentment I had towards him. If I didn't "like" him, I surely wasn't going to feel love for him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Can i ask if your marriage improved since you realized your problem? Did you feel love again afterward? Thank you for sharing.


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

newlab said:


> Peace, I guess you have found from all comments here that when there’s trouble in your marriage, it is usually from both sides. Otherwise, you wouldn’t come here to ask. If you search around in this forum, with the question you asked, most people here will say all the beautiful thing they have in their marriage and that won’t fit to your situation. They are happy, you are currently not. They are up on the hill, you are somewhere near the bottom. Can you climb up from where you are? Sure you can, but before that you should ask yourself: do you want to climb up? Only you can answer.
> 
> It is very important to think about your marriage back to the start. Was it joyful and happy, or crappy from day 1? What did you love about your husband at the time that you agreed to marry him? Are these qualities still there now? I mean if you don’t have any positive thing to say about your husband now, besides he's being a just "good" guy, it’s gone. If you can't recall any happy and joyful time with him then it’s gone.
> 
> Whether you still love him? Is this question even important? Love or not, it’s just how different people call it. Another person might be in exactly the same situation as you are but she names it different from you. You still call it “love”, she doesn’t, or vice versa. But it's the same situation. The real question you two should ask is if you want your old time marriage back and if you are willing to work on it.


Thank you for the insightful questions. I would think about the answer. Now think back about the time when we were dating, i was always rational from the begining. I was observing him whether he can be a good husband (responsible, can share house work, can take care of kids, willful, hardworking, smart). I thought these are all criterias i wanted in a husband. After seeing all that in him, i believed he's the Mr Perfect and i decided to become his girlfriend. He loves me and was kind and honest so i didn't have any reason to break up. I don't have other love feeling to compare against. I wonder if i was too rational to neglect about the true feeling of love. I did have strong feeling about him when we were dating. He was my first boyfriend and i never date anyone else. I didn't feel extremely happy on my wedding day as many of my friends seem to feel if that matters. I thought that marrying him is the right decision to have peaceful life. Things go well for both of us, good education, good job, good financial situation and now we're fortunate enough to have healthy smart cute 2 year old girl. What we achieved in life so far is very similar with my wish before marriage, except the feeling part that seems to have been absent in me for the past 2 years.


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## Peaceloverpv (Mar 9, 2017)

Jim-50+ said:


> There is a great quote, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person,” by Mignon McLaughlin, an American author.
> 
> There is also a good remedy I hear Dr. Laura Schlessinger frequently recommend. Try treating your spouse like you would if you were madly in love with them; like they were the best person in the world, and like you were the best lover in the world. Do it for the next 30 days and see what happens. Include doing things for them in every way that you can think of, including trying to seduce them. It may rekindle your feelings because 'Feelings' often follow 'Actions'. It also may stir reactions from your spouse that will fire up the old feelings of love that you both need. An unhappy relationship is rarely just the fault of your spouse - it is usually both members of the marriage who are to blame. This 30 day test is a way to test whether a large part of the problem is your own fault.
> 
> ...


Thank you Jim. I started to think about ignoreing my current feeling and not trying to name it. Instead focus on fixing the situation and name the feeling afterward. Today i got similar advice from your. That made me think more about this path. Appreciate your time and advice.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You have a toddler. You have 25lbs of pure energy. Your thoughts and feelings are directed to many things - as normal for ALL parents. This is why "having a baby to save the marriage" = ALWAYS FAIL since it usually makes things worse. You'll need to have some TALK time with your husband. No phones to distract, no TV. And maybe talk in a semi-dark room, in the nude... which to me, seems to make things easier. It's not about sex, but not being aggressive - you are more vulnerable when naked, right? Ask him to be naked too... just talk to each other.

Unfortunately - your baseline for your husband is that HE is your first boyfriend. Being unhappy during the wedding is also problematic - did you marry young, like age 18? If this has been going on for years, then you have long-term resentment and second-thoughts issues. You're asking good questions... they need to be honest and no matter what, go to a MC to sort out communication and emotional issues.

Here is a possible problem, as I see it from what you have said. Your only romantic and sexual experience is this one man (or maybe 1-2 before him). And so it's possible you are asking yourself "Is this it?" You have no baseline to compare. This is why I TELL ALL young adults and older-teens in family/friends. DO NOT marry your high school sweetheart. You won't be the same, you are young. To date others... see what you like, different personalities, different styles of lovemaking. Especially in the "good old days", gay people got married without knowing they are gay or unsure and thinking doing the expected thing would cure them... meanwhile spending many many years in a sexless marriage. At 7 years, I would guess you are around age 25~27? Which means your brain has matured into knowing more of what you want. There is a reason that divorce is very high for young marriages - usually lasting about 5~7 years. The "7 year itch". I've been with or know women who got married to man #1 ~ #3 in their lives and had lame marriages, had a couple of kids - then in their 30~50s, start trying to live like they are in their 20's. Getting laid, etc. Sometimes being self-destructive. Since I have been with many many women - I had something to base on what I was looking for in a girlfriend. There are women which I AM GLAD I didn't have children with or married, etc. I didn't plan it - but my wife was like fireworks on our first kiss - and I was 40 back then. We do pretty good, we are a good team, we rarely argue - which we usually discuss issues and work on solutions. She didn't have everything I wanted in a life-partner, some things I would have usually rejected (smoker - she has since quit).

No matter how low you feel about your husband. DO NOT EVER cheat on him. You will also hurt yourself and cause a lot of chaotic mess. You and your husband should have at least 2~3 months of MC sessions to determine if the marriage is something YOU BOTH want. It doesn't matter if he DOES and you don't. It won't survive. Do you still have good sex? Do you both have any fun as a couple? I'm at year 6 with my wife - and have gone through the worst challenge a marriage can deal with. But we are working it and my wife is someone I adore, I trust (mostly - work in progress) and can see myself with 20 years from now.

If you can't see yourself with your husband 5, 10 or 20 years from now. Your marriage is failing. Make sure YOU DON'T get pregnant anytime soon. If the MC helps to open windows and show you that the good qualities of your husband are worth fighting for - great. If not... end it as friends so you can co-parent nicely. Even be "room-mates" for a while. For all you know, he may feel the same way. I had a mutual break up with a 3-month long girlfriend. Nothing wrong with either of us - just that things were not *fireworks*. It was a relief when she broke up with me - which I told her "you're right". I never shed a tear. When my wife and I broke up (she cheated) - I was in the hospital twice, lost 30lbs in 30 days... that was a year ago and I still hurt, even thou we are back together and easily BETTER as a couple today than we ever were before. I *DO* want to be with her until I die 20~30 years from now. 

She's asleep now, not doing well. I rubbed her bare hip - short massage, rubbed her head checking her temp with my hand - because I care about her. She is my other half.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@Jim-50+ : I wouldn't recommend any advice from "Dr" Laura Schlessinger. She is NOT a doctor in psychology.... pretty much a gym teacher, it's what her degree is worth. She cheated on her husband and used SEX to get into the radio business. There are nude photos of her (on the internet) from the 70s taken by a radio personality who got her foot in the door (While she was married to someone else). Much of her advice is mean and hypocritical.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Thank you for the insightful questions. I would think about the answer. *Now think back about the time when we were dating, i was always rational from the begining. I was observing him whether he can be a good husband (responsible, can share house work, can take care of kids, willful, hardworking, smart). I thought these are all criterias i wanted in a husband. After seeing all that in him, i believed he's the Mr Perfect and i decided to become his girlfriend. He loves me and was kind and honest so i didn't have any reason to break up.* I don't have other love feeling to compare against. I wonder if i was too rational to neglect about the true feeling of love. I did have strong feeling about him when we were dating. He was my first boyfriend and i never date anyone else. I didn't feel extremely happy on my wedding day as many of my friends seem to feel if that matters. I thought that marrying him is the right decision to have peaceful life. Things go well for both of us, good education, good job, good financial situation and now we're fortunate enough to have healthy smart cute 2 year old girl. What we achieved in life so far is very similar with my wish before marriage, except the feeling part that seems to have been absent in me for the past 2 years.


Sounds you had a List to check off, a very "practical" list..... but was there ever Passion...did you crave being with him, fantasize about him.. Couldn't get enough of each other...do you have memories like this... would you miss him when he wasn't around....has he been the one you want to run to & share your highest high's, or be comforted by, his arms around you, when things are falling apart?

In your beginning .. was there that something "Extra special" you felt about your Union, what he brings to your life... besides just being a "Good man who would make a decent husband/ father/ Provider?" We can all look good on paper, or sound like a perfect match, yet still the "chemistry" could be way off... maybe our humors don't mesh, could be even little things that end up BIG things.. 

I read this yesterday in this book....The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts 

It speaks in the "Romantic Marriage" section....quoting the author....



> "All Courtship begins with a fantasy - a fervent desire, bordering on delusion, that another person can step in and magically undo all of life's hurts and disappointments. The new loved one will adore you forever, protect you, drive away wicked people, make you feel whole, valued, beautiful, worthy and honorable -forever. But courtship also begins with the fear that none of these fantasies will materialize, that earlier disappointments will be repeated, that you will be hurt, betrayed, and rejected for a more beautiful princess, or a more dashing prince. Even the Beatles, hardly out of their teens, sang , " Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?"...
> 
> and few pages later... it says this:
> 
> ...


Any thoughts here??

I , too, married my 1st love.. we met in our teens...(this doesn't always mean a couple is doomed, that they missed out)... My husband has always referred to me as his soul mate .. as I have him... (I am aware the concept is wrong.. we could be happy with someone else too) but we're not offended by the word....we each have our story as to how it all came together, a feeling of "we were meant to be"... it's something I've always carried with me..... I may have to remind myself of it at times.. if I am angry at him in the moment.. but ultimately this stands strong, and comforts me... 

We had a deep talk the other night, we were fighting about something even..... I brought up that word "Idealizing" (above)...been reading articles where some say it is UNHEALTHY.. to never do this.. while others say it IS HEALTHY, even needed to some extent....to have some of those "rose colored glasses" going on....who is to say...

I find it matters HOW it affects one's relationship ....None of us should blindly/ foolishly overlook hurtful disrespectful behaviors from our spouse, no matter how much we THINK or want to love them till the end, any placing on Pedestals -allows for the other to take advantage... or abuse the idealization of the other... but IF it's mutual, with a feeling of giving and cherishing what we share...this in turn helps us get through the harder times, those valleys, also finding it easier to forgive, over look each others faults...

It always takes 2... would you say your husband still carries DEEP feelings for you.. but you have lost yours, or question if you've ever had them @Peaceloverpv ? Surely if he is a sensitive man, he feels this from you, especially these past 2 years.. have you talked about it -at all? 

Do you feel resentment towards your husband... could be over anything, this will slowly drive a wedge into your emotional connection, and those loving feelings ?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Peaceloverpv said:


> I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like *my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. *I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage.


Sounds to me like there are issues in your marriage that are causing you to lose your love for your husband. What are your complaints about the marriage? Does he get angry with you? Does he dismiss what you say? It could be that he's great at meeting some of your needs (family commitment, financial support, etc.) but if he's not meeting your intimate needs (conversation, affection, companionship, sex), it's definitely possible to fall out of love and he needs to know that you're unhappy so he can work with you to fix it. And you can't fix it if there are anger issues (not saying there are, just mentioning that in case). Anger issues need to be fixed first to make it safe to share complaints, problems and work to fix them.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Peaceloverpv said:


> Can i ask if your marriage improved since you realized your problem? Did you feel love again afterward? Thank you for sharing.




Yes and then 2 years later I discovered a porn addiction. We are now dealing with the aftermath of that destruction. However, I do love him and we do express that to eachother.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

FIrst of all, know this: Love is rarely constant, it has eddys and currents. It happens in waves.
I know how I feel; When I am away from her, I want to be with her. When I am with her, I do not want to be anywhere else. She is in my head and I am in her head. (ok ok, we have been together 42 years and married 39 next month.) I don't know many definitions of love per se, but I define it as an almost physical need to be with someone.


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