# he says hes lost-help



## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

First of all, I would just like to say I'm not married but me and my ex have 2 children together and were together for 14 years, no affairs and no real problems until last year.
As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less 
Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
Anyway, things came to a head a little over 3 weeks ago. He stayed out all night again (he had finished work for the holidays) and he said he fell asleep at the bar he owns. I kicked him out (out of frustration) and told him to come get his things. There has been no real talk of our relationship since. He has reached out to me but I didn't read the signs and was still mad so didn't respond appropriately. We have been to school plays together and he came to Christmas dinner but I have kept all communication about the children until the other night. I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home? The kids asked him if he still loves me and to come home, he said he does love me but its not that simple. Recently, he hasn't brought up our relationship or whether this is a temporary or permanent thing for him so I dont know where his head is. We had so many years of it being good and now this. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive also asked him if he has someone else but he promises me he hasn't and I'm inclined to believe him because, apart from him staying out all night, theres not been the other signs and he lets me have access to his phone and social media accounts. Please help me work through this and get my head straight. If it helps, he hasn't given me the house key back and has left his work boots here so will need to get in touch to discuss getting them.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> First of all, I would just like to say I'm not married but me and my ex have 2 children together and were together for 14 years, no affairs and no real problems until last year.
> As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less
> Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
> Anyway, things came to a head a little over 3 weeks ago. He stayed out all night again (he had finished work for the holidays) and he said he fell asleep at the bar he owns. I kicked him out (out of frustration) and told him to come get his things. There has been no real talk of our relationship since. He has reached out to me but I didn't read the signs and was still mad so didn't respond appropriately. We have been to school plays together and he came to Christmas dinner but I have kept all communication about the children until the other night. I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home? The kids asked him if he still loves me and to come home, he said he does love me but its not that simple. Recently, he hasn't brought up our relationship or whether this is a temporary or permanent thing for him so I dont know where his head is. We had so many years of it being good and now this. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive also asked him if he has someone else but he promises me he hasn't and I'm inclined to believe him because, apart from him staying out all night, theres not been the other signs and he lets me have access to his phone and social media accounts. Please help me work through this and get my head straight. If it helps, he hasn't given me the house key back and has left his work boots here so will need to get in touch to discuss getting them.


Wow, I feel for you and certainly wish things were different.

It definitely sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis aided in part by the reintegration of his father in his life. Add to that two children that need special care and he's likely spinning out of control, so I'd believe him on that point.

In terms of how to deal with it... I'd say give him space and time but still try to keep in communication. Has he talked with you at all about what he means by not wanting you and your children around when he loses it? Has he talked at all about what has triggered this aside from his dad and being angry?

IMO, I think you should be honest about what you want from this. Tell him you want the relationship to continue and work, but that you understand he needs space and time. After that, I'd say give him a month, at least, with no contact other than practical issues relating to your family and finances.

Another thing, and this is important, do you at all fear that he's in such a dark place that he might cause self harm? Staying up all night at a bar drinking is a recipe for disaster when someone is going through a crisis so if signals are there that this could go extremely dark you might come to a point where you need to get an outside presence involved for his own safety and/or yours.

Lastly, had he indicated any issues between the two of you, or thus far has it been all about his relationship with his father and his own demons? What made you kick him out as opposed to trying to get him and you help with the situation?

I know this isn't easy so try to be kind to yourself while things are really tough.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

When we've been talking in the past about things (when we were together), he just feels a lot of pressure. He is in a job he hates and got the bar as he wanted to be able to leave something behind for the children. Although his mum tried her best growing up, he never had much and has had to work hard to get where he is and he was physically abused by his step-dad (which my ex has concluded was a result of the pressure of bringing up children on a tight budget). He has a lot of staffing issues and has to deal with all the petty squabbles that the staff have. They are constantly gossiping about things they should not mention and let his mum into things they shouldn't tell her. His business partner (who is his brother) is rarely there and when he is, they dont agree on how to run things. Before we met, he was explosive but I've never seen that side of him. I also know him well enough to know when he says he doesn't want me around when he "loses it" because it would change my opinion of him.
The reason I kicked him out was a lot to do with timing and other people. His mum has been encouraging me to kick him out over any little thing. I didn't know that she was encouraging him to leave behind my back. He lived with her most of his life and she feels she has a special bond with him. Whenever he has had relationship issues in the past, he has gone back to her but that's not happened this time. The reason I kicked him out is because he's shut himself off to me. Started coming in late during the week and just playing computer games. He hasn't told me he is struggling and because he was coming in late and I was still busy with the children, I didn't see it. He then stayed out until the early hours a few weekends in a row (on either Friday or Saturday, not both). The day I felt was the final straw was my birthday. He had stayed out the night before and fallen asleep. We had made plans to go to lunch on my birthday and him not being there when I woke up and not answering his phone made me feel like he didn't care. When he did phone me back (just after 7.30am), I shouted at him saying he was always there and he replied that it was never going to change. I told him I couldn't live like that and not to dare come up. I expected him to at least want to talk about it later but he didn't. We had a 10 minute conversation that night and his words were "I cant be bothered with this, ive had a rubbish day and I'm tired. I dont want to talk about it any more". I dont want to put myself out there for him to say that he doesn't want me. He also has insomnia and other health issues so he's always tired and feels like our doctor is unsupportive and won't give him the help he needs. He has said in the past that if he could just sleep for one full night, he would be able to handle things better


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Ive just found out hes been having an affair


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

brainaches said:


> Ive just found out hes been having an affair



Whatever your next course of action, take your time to handle it. Wait until your emotions calm a bit for better clarity. Detach at the moment is my best advice and secure your own position whether he is part of your future or not. He may simply want to run from it all, you never know and choose escapism. Make sure you will be fine financially and emotionally without him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well now you know you're plan B while he explores his options.

Do you still want him knowing that?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Whatever your next course of action, take your time to handle it. Wait until your emotions calm a bit for better clarity. Detach at the moment is my best advice and secure your own position whether he is part of your future or not. He may simply want to run from it all, you never know and choose escapism. Make sure you will be fine financially and emotionally without him.


Totally agree. I'm sorry that your relationship has gone this way but don't rush into anything.

Did he tell you about it and leave it at that or did he offer up any specifics? Ultimately, none of that really matters until you figure out your next step, but if you decide to try again with him then you'll need to know that it's over at least.

Focus on yourself as much as you can right now. Hope you're doing okay.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

I'm so upset and confused and no, I will not be his plan b. I absolutely refuse to mope. I'm going to get on with living. He's just had more time to come to terms with it. The woman hes with is half his age and i had my suspicions bit I was always told that nothing was happening. I feel such a fool. She isn't his usual type and knew about me. In fact, I helped her when her ex did the same thing to her! He hasn't told me, he still denies it (is this to keep his options open with me seeing as he has my key and isn't collecting his belongings?) but next time I see him, I'm going to have it out with him. I pushed one of his family members who I knew wouldn't lie into telling me. My next step.is to throw myself into life and see what I can make of it and make sure my children are as affected as little as possible. Its just unbearable that my children and 14 years, the home we built together means nothing to him. Ive never needed him, only ever wanted him and now I dont even know. This is going to sound bitter but I am not being bitter, I'm just being truthful.my ex is a very intelligent man and he enjoys intense conversation. She's as thick as 2 short planks and he wont get that from her. She's stroking his ego and being easy, he likes that in the short term but does like the thrill of the chase so as soon as I tell him I know, the sheen will be taken off. When he first introduced me to her, he said "she reminds me of you when we first met". I knew then something would happen. She also has 3 children who are always looked after by her mum. He struggles with our 2 so if they go out together, they will have 4 boys under 5 and a 9 year old! And, as previously mentioned, my 2 have autism. He also likes boring things like fishing and she's a hardcore party girl. Something tells me it isn't going to get serious but she's still enough to risk everything for. I'm astounded.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> I'm so upset and confused and no, I will not be his plan b. I absolutely refuse to mope. I'm going to get on with living. He's just had more time to come to terms with it. The woman hes with is half his age and i had my suspicions bit I was always told that nothing was happening. I feel such a fool. She isn't his usual type and knew about me. In fact, I helped her when her ex did the same thing to her! He hasn't told me, he still denies it (is this to keep his options open with me seeing as he has my key and isn't collecting his belongings?) but next time I see him, I'm going to have it out with him. I pushed one of his family members who I knew wouldn't lie into telling me. My next step.is to throw myself into life and see what I can make of it and make sure my children are as affected as little as possible. Its just unbearable that my children and 14 years, the home we built together means nothing to him. Ive never needed him, only ever wanted him and now I dont even know. This is going to sound bitter but I am not being bitter, I'm just being truthful.my ex is a very intelligent man and he enjoys intense conversation. She's as thick as 2 short planks and he wont get that from her. She's stroking his ego and being easy, he likes that in the short term but does like the thrill of the chase so as soon as I tell him I know, the sheen will be taken off. When he first introduced me to her, he said "she reminds me of you when we first met". I knew then something would happen. She also has 3 children who are always looked after by her mum. He struggles with our 2 so if they go out together, they will have 4 boys under 5 and a 9 year old! And, as previously mentioned, my 2 have autism. He also likes boring things like fishing and she's a hardcore party girl. Something tells me it isn't going to get serious but she's still enough to risk everything for. I'm astounded.


This sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Things were hard at home, he was looking at his life and what he had accomplished and along came a young party girl that took his mind off it all. That sucks and I'm so sorry.

In all likelihood this will fade and he will come running back to you and your family. Be prepared for that and ready to make a choice at that point. In the meantime, try your best to enjoy your life and focus on you. It's going to be really hard, but it's the only thing you can do.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

golfpanther said:


> This sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Things were hard at home, he was looking at his life and what he had accomplished and along came a young party girl that took his mind off it all. That sucks and I'm so sorry.
> 
> In all likelihood this will fade and he will come running back to you and your family. Be prepared for that and ready to make a choice at that point. In the meantime, try your best to enjoy your life and focus on you. It's going to be really hard, but it's the only thing you can do.


Thank you! Its made it a bit clearer but, if he does come back, how would we get past this? How likely is it that he would want to come back? She's his employee. And if he doesn't come back and things get serious between them, how am I supposed to explain it to my children because they have limited understanding of relationships. It could be easy but I get all the questions. Do I tell them to ask their dad or do I try deal with the questions the best I can. My 4 year old cannot even begin to comprehend but my 9 year old does so ive so far just been asking her how she would be if daddy got a new girlfriend and if mummy got a new boyfriend. She initially reacted with "I would kick her in her knees" but I've explained that it wont change anything so to be kind because that's how I've brought her up. And, on a lighter note, I'm 10 years his junior. When I get to my mid-life crisis point, am I allowed to act like an inconsiderate, selfish idiot (dont worry, I'm not talking revenge, just trying to make light of a bad situation).


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

And doesn't the fact hes left make it more serious and him more likely to embark on a fully fledged relationship with the other woman? The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> Thank you! Its made it a bit clearer but, if he does come back, how would we get past this? How likely is it that he would want to come back? She's his employee. And if he doesn't come back and things get serious between them, how am I supposed to explain it to my children because they have limited understanding of relationships. It could be easy but I get all the questions. Do I tell them to ask their dad or do I try deal with the questions the best I can. My 4 year old cannot even begin to comprehend but my 9 year old does so ive so far just been asking her how she would be if daddy got a new girlfriend and if mummy got a new boyfriend. She initially reacted with "I would kick her in her knees" but I've explained that it wont change anything so to be kind because that's how I've brought her up. And, on a lighter note, I'm 10 years his junior. When I get to my mid-life crisis point, am I allowed to act like an inconsiderate, selfish idiot (dont worry, I'm not talking revenge, just trying to make light of a bad situation).


I'd say it's extremely likely that at some point he'll at least express interest in coming back. In terms of how to get past it... you might never fully so it would come down to if it was worth it to you to try. :frown2:

In terms of the kids, I honestly don't know. I think you're doing okay so far, just try to be honest and kind and wait until you sort some of this out.



brainaches said:


> And doesn't the fact hes left make it more serious and him more likely to embark on a fully fledged relationship with the other woman? The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her


I think it's doubtful he'd want to embark in a serious relationship with her. A big part of the appeal, sadly, is that it's the opposite of what he has with you. If she were to push it to get more serious, he'd likely feel uncomfortable and "lose" it like he told you he was about to. On the flip side, if he did try to ratchet it up to a full-fledged relationship, it doesn't sound like that's what this girl wants. He's already at odds with her drinking and partying according to your informant, so it'll probably bust apart sooner rather than later.

One thing, where are you planning on confronting your husband about the affair? He's likely going to first deny, then get angry and then demand to know who told you and then he'll still probably deny. He doesn't sound like he's in the best mental state so try to make sure you're somewhere safe when you do it, try to control your emotions and clearly lay out what you want to do from here.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

golfpanther said:


> I'd say it's extremely likely that at some point he'll at least express interest in coming back. In terms of how to get past it... you might never fully so it would come down to if it was worth it to you to try. :frown2:
> 
> In terms of the kids, I honestly don't know. I think you're doing okay so far, just try to be honest and kind and wait until you sort some of this out.
> 
> ...


Well, I was going to do it in my house because the kids are here and I know I can control myself and be calm around them. They need calm and they get very unsettled when theres an ounce of animosity in the air but you've made me think. Their dad probably wont stay calm and there probably will be shouting. I will have to rethink that but I'm finding it hard to get him to meet. He says he will but nothing comes of it. I'm not going to say anybody told me, I'm going to tell him why I had my suspicions and see if he confesses. Is there much point in trying to get him to confess seeing as I already know what I know?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> Well, I was going to do it in my house because the kids are here and I know I can control myself and be calm around them. They need calm and they get very unsettled when theres an ounce of animosity in the air but you've made me think. Their dad probably wont stay calm and there probably will be shouting. I will have to rethink that but I'm finding it hard to get him to meet. He says he will but nothing comes of it. I'm not going to say anybody told me, I'm going to tell him why I had my suspicions and see if he confesses. Is there much point in trying to get him to confess seeing as I already know what I know?


If possible, I'd try to get him to agree to go see a therapist with you. That way you have a neutral third party present and a safe environment for what will be a really tough conversation. If he won't go for that, I'd say somewhere public like a quiet coffee shop (but still populated) or the like. I would definitely not have it at your home or his bar.

I think it's smart to not tell him how you know. That would allow him an easy out in terms of denying it; he'd just attack whoever told you about it. IMO, you should be incredibly direct. Something like, "I have reasons to believe you're having an affair with (name of his employee). Please tell me the truth about what's going on between the two of you." This keeps a third party (the person who told you) out of it so the conversation so he doesn't have any easy out to funnel his anger toward.

Be safe above all else. If he really is teetering at the breaking point of sanity, you don't want to be anywhere that help isn't close by.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Ive already confronted him about the other woman on the day I kicked him out but he flat out denied it. I dont know why he wouldn't just tell me about it.
As for therapy, I know he wouldn't do it right now. Hes just dropped me like a hot potato and hasn't looked back. Its all a big mess. I sent him a message last night because our daughter said she wants to die because of the situation. I told him he needs to help me get her through it. He said that he will and to tell her he loves her and he will come get her soon. I really want to text him to tell him the best way forward is a full disclosure to all of us but I dont think hes ready for it. My heads a mess and I'm sick of trying to second guess him. Hes in the early stages of a relationship with someone else and we don't really matter to him any more, she's taking his mind off what's happening. I also want to tell him its easy to move on when you don't see the consequences every day. He will spin it around and make it all my fault anyway because I kicked him out. Sorry for venting, I just need to make clear what's going on in my head. When the holidays are over, I'm definitely going to try get therapy to work through it


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Another thing I'm struggling with is the fact we were good friends before we got together and one of his friends cheated on his partner. It brought up the subject and we promised that we wouldn't cheat on each other, we would end it if someone even turned our heads. I know I'm overthinking and obsessing, its just hard to deal with. I dont really have anyone to talk to, I'm estranged from my parents and I don't have many friends, none that I can talk to without them judging


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@brainaches, I'm sorry that you had to find out this terrible news.
Please make sure that you go get yourself STD tested as soon as possible.

You have a good attitude about this, despite the fact that it's all very raw for you right now. Keep the focus on yours and your children's futures. Your STBX is in a world of his own making and it's not your job to care for or about him any longer. He's aptly fired you from that job.

Many, many posters who discovered their SOs cheated were like you and your STBX. They began as "good" or "best" friends, made a promise not to cheat, then turned out they did it anyway.

This is why we say here, to watch a persons *actions* over trusting their *words*. You can better determine a persons value system by seeing how they live. When they're going out late arbitrarily, not sleeping well, avoiding you, not respecting the quality time they should be spending with you, living a really "rough" existence, or starting to behave irrationally and out of the norm, these behaviors tell you that something is not quite right. After that, it's usually your gut that starts poking at you. We always want to think the best of our spouses, SOs, bfs/gfs, etc., but they are at the end of the day, just human beings. It's not an excuse, it just is.

I respected your comment about him being a cerebral and intelligent man. I was once married to such a man who held very deep conversations with me. Those conversations were a very strong reason why I loved him as much as I did. Nevertheless, I was betrayed in a very real and damaging way, and the reality of the person he was finally hit me between the eyes. I realized that he was always that way, I was just choosing to see him in the best painted light... because I was in denial that I of all people would pick someone capable of so much hurt.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

I am one for trusting actions over words but was thrown off the scent as his bar is quite a new venture and did need a lot of time. He's always been an insomniac as well, so it didn't ring any alarm bells. The only thing that did was the comment he made when I met her "she's just like you when we first met". And she will be just like me as I am now when she gets handed the responsibility I was handed when getting into a relationship with him. And I'm going to start getting me back because he will actually spend time with our children. Its a good outcome if I look at it one way. I get some time to be me, I dont have to work on his timetable (which I always have done), my kids get to see him more as he actually has to take time out for them (he took them for granted too) and he thinks he will be happy. I only ever wanted for more time for my children and for him to be happy so really, ive got what I wanted in a roundabout way. When reality kicks in (next week, when he returns to his regular job and has nobody to make his food for work and nobody to fix his meals at home because she isn't domesticated in the slightest, no children to kiss good night and no dog to snuggle up on the sofa with) he will realise what he gave up. And for what? Stupid man, almost feel bad for him


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
3) is it worth saying ANYTHING to the other woman? I wasn't intending to have a go, just to say I know about the relationship and to basically give them my blessing but tell her I dont want my children knowing she's his girlfriend until they know they're going to last forever,preferably after they're already married though. Or do I just pretend she doesn't exist and accept the fact my ex may never admit it?
Thanks in advance for the responses


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

brainaches said:


> Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
> Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
> 2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
> I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
> ...


1) My advice is to contact him regarding business matters only. Bills and child visitation, that's it. Transfer the household lease and utilities into your name. Separate any joint accounts. Go to a lawyer and begin the child support process. You want to make sure custody, visitation, and support are handled through the courts so that you have legal recourse should anything take a turn for the worse. When my exH and I split up, I had my exMIL do the majority of the child exchanges. Some people use the police station and do the exchange silently in the lobby so that they are guaranteed zero drama and have witnesses to any bad behavior. One friend uses her ExH's new SO. She likes the SO, but can't stand her exH, so it works for them.

2) Some go back, some stay with their OW, and some have multiple relationships before finding a new partner, if they ever find a new permanent partner at all. Of the ones who do go back, a number of them will cheat again in the future. Reconciling after infidelity is risky.

3) If you want to let OW know that you know about them and are giving your blessing, great. However, the rest of your thoughts here are a bit unrealistic. First, marriage doesn't guarantee forever. Second, he is a father. His future wife would be a step-mother. It would be insane to be a person with children or to be involved with a person with children and NOT spend time with them as a blended family BEFORE the marriage. So, really, you will have to accept that he and whoever he is serious about will be spending some time together with your shared children as a couple in order to make sure they are truly compatible. 

Which, really, is better for the kids. Could you imagine how shocked the kids would be to go to his house for visitation to find a woman there and being told this complete stranger is their fathers wife, their stepmother, and will be living there from now on?

He could always introduce women he is dating as friends and then later, if it gets serious, let the kids know they are dating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you mean "lost-help" or "lost-hope"


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> Ive just found out hes been having an affair


Of course you did. It was apparent in your very first post what he was up to. I'm sorry. 



> As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less





> Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.


Poor, poor snowflake. He must be a _victim_ because you have a bagful of excuses to justify his lying and cheating and DESERTING his family.

You were sexually abused as a child, and in an unrelated case, his father (who probably isn't as 'innocent' as he claims) was thrown in the slammer. Sh*t happens. That's life. Did *you* feel the need to go out and screw around on your boyfriend just because this guy was in jail and because you were dealing with past sexual assault issues that your boyfriend wouldn't even support you for? 

I'm guessing *not, *but apparently you think that justifies, in part,* his* sh*t behavior.

Next up. Two Autistic children is a challenge for anyone. I'll assume that YOU basically care for both of them 24/7 and are in charge of all their medical and rehabilitative needs. I'm also assuming it's a blue moon when you get more than a couple of hours to yourself to regenerate. Did *you* feel the need to go out and screw around on your husband just because you have an incredibly challenging child situation at home day in and day out with no breaks? 

I'm guessing *not, *but apparently you think that justifies, in part, *his* sh*t behavior.

Next. Like any real family man, he's been tasked with supporting the family he CHOSE to create. Big deal. That's what most men do. They man the hell up and perform their responsibilities to their family. And yup, some feel a lot of stress or the weight of the world on their shoulders. Totally understandable. I'll assume you can't work because your children need your care 24/7. You didn't choose this life, it chose you - and you're doing the best job of mothering you can, which is all you* can *do. I'll also assume that getting a night job for you is out due to his bar hours but also due to his inability to care for his own children for more than an hour or two. I'm sure the prize patrol won't be stopping by your house anytime soon to bestow upon him the Father of the Year award. Dammit, where's the puking emoticon when I need it?

And finally, the utter nonsense about how you accused him of cheating - and because you dared to accuse the poor little snowflake, he saw it as he might as WELL have been cheating...so you DROVE him to it and that's why he did it.

Do you have another other ridiculous excuses for his sh*t behavior in your magic bag?



> I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home?


Boy, that's quite the steaming pile of cow manure he spewed. You know exactly why Peter Pan won't come home - because it's much more desirable to play 'single bachelor' than it is to be trapped within the confines of your house again. I'm also assuming this bimbo of his was what's called an 'exit affair.' I'm getting the impression he was just looking for a reason to leave - and he found her.



> I sent him a message last night because our daughter said she wants to die because of the situation. I told him he needs to help me get her through it. He said that he will and to tell her he loves her and he will come get her soon.


THIS is the piece of dog sh*t you're trying _*so*_ desperately to get back - a low life capable of deserting the family and life he created because life is just SO much better banging his bimbo and pretending *you all* don't exist anymore. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he and his side piece are having kegger parties at the bar since these two fools seem to think they have no responsibilities in life. But yes, HE'S the poor, poor '*victim*' of circumstance.

If I live to be 2000 years old, I'll *NEVER *understand why *anyone* would desperately try to win back a lying, slimy piece of sh*t cheater capable of deserting their family without so much as a glance back.


> The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her


And when their cheap little 'romance' is over and Mr. Opportunist is looking for someone to be with and take care of all his creature comforts, don't be surprised if the user suddenly comes around again - because YOU'RE Plan B. Yes ma'am, you *are*. And what a glorious testament to your love - the lying opportunist possibly coming home because his cheap side piece was a disappointment for him. That's what every woman wants - some dirt bag back by default because his 'girlfriend' wasn't everything he expect. Good God.

Find your pride. Find your self respect. Close the door on this worthless POS. And get to a lawyer and find out exactly what you could be entitled to in your particular situation. Not sure why you were never 'marriage material' for him (or was it your choice to cohabitate and not marry?) but you may be at a disadvantage NOT being married to this assclown because the law might protect you more if you were. But a lawyer would know that - and knowledge is POWER.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Try to remember that people who act like doormats send the message they aren't valuable and as such aren't treated as something to be valued.

We teach people how to treat us.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a total mess. I'm so sorry you ended up with this in your life.

Take your time, make no rash decisions. Definitely talk to a lawyer. Look to the few friends you do have for support and a listening ear. Know we are always here to help you also. This group has a ton of experience and are a wealth of information. 
@She'sStillGotIt always uses strong words, but really read what she said. That viewpoint is very eye opening. You deserve so much better. I'm guessing he will come slithering back to you at some point. So be ready...

Your children are where the biggest heart strings get pulled. The day they have to realize that daddy is dating this young bimbo will be a very difficult one. In that reguard, I'm glad he is being more absentee with them at this point, your kids don't need to meet every hole he is sticking it in. They are going to need you, so take good care of yourself. Get enough rest, eat well and exercise. The road ahead of you is a difficult one, but holds promise of much better times to come.

Sending you a warm Spicy hug, and look forward to getting to know you better on here over time. I wish you and your babies the best. I wish him to get exactly what is coming for him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want him back, you'll have to expose the affair to anyone he cares about. He'll then have to address his actions; he may realize he doesn't want to lose you over something nobody will admire him for.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A lot of women love to watch the Soaps on TV. You? You are living in one of them....thanks to Mr. Cheater.

The best way to push your way through tough times is by making light of it. Gain an exceptional humor.

It sounds like your love for him has dribbled down his leg. Not really caring what happens to him allows you to see 

the clown in him. Send in the Clown. There has to be Clowns.

The real snag in your nylons is finances, the children's grieving process and short term chaos.

Later, you will not need him for anything, except a child support check.

Visit an attorney, pronto.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Of course you did. It was apparent in your very first post what he was up to. I'm sorry.
> 
> Poor, poor snowflake. He must be a _victim_ because you have a bagful of excuses to justify his lying and cheating and DESERTING his family.
> 
> ...


Ouch! Harsh but true, I'm the wronged one here! Thanks for reminding me. Keep doing what you're doing.



turnera said:


> If you want him back, you'll have to expose the affair to anyone he cares about. He'll then have to address his actions; he may realize he doesn't want to lose you over something nobody will admire him for.


This is another thing that hurts me. As he owns a bar and all his family go in there on a regular basis, they all know anyway and kept it hidden from me. So all the people I classed as family have been in on his betrayal. Only 1 person had the decency to tell me what was going on. She only found out recently but I did have to push her into telling. The only person that he doesn't want knowing is me. It does stay strictly at the bar, he isn't parading her around the town and is going to great lengths for me not to find out. Ive been told that all his family have expressed their disgust at it and he keeps getting told they're all disappointed in what hes doing and hurt by it but they're all still there. They're trying to "mind their business" apparently but were quick to add fuel to the fire about issues we had before he started the affair and I kicked him out


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would still talk to them about it. About how disappointed you are that they all - to a person - chose to let him do this to you and did nothing. Sometimes people just need to hear that stuff. 

I guess at this stage, I'd just make plans to move on then. Do the 180 for your own sake and start building a new life without him. IF he ever gets his head out of his butt, you can explain to him what it would take to consider giving him another chance. But he'll never choose you if you just sit there and accept his double life.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
> Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
> 2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
> I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
> ...


Don't blame yourself for his actions. He chose to give into temptation and cause you this pain.

The one thing that did jump out at me in this post is that you told him (I'm guessing repeatedly) you didn't need him. There are two sides to that: 1) It would be tough to hear that from your partner and 2) Maybe some part of you doesn't want him anyway?

I think once you've gained some perspective on this you might find that you weren't totally happy with him either. I'm not saying you shouldn't give it a try if that's what you feel, you should! But it seems like there were things driving you away from him.

I don't think it's worth reaching out to the other woman. Her meeting your kids and being that big a part of his life seems like a faraway possibility at this point based on what you've written. Deal with him directly, see what he has to say about it and then take your next step based on that information. I would definitely not give the relationship your blessing if you want to work on things with him. That would send a very mixed message.

Given his age, her age, and the fact you have a family together I would guess the odds are pretty likely that he'll come back at some point. Be prepared for that and work on yourself so you know if that's something you'll want when the time comes.

Rough times now, but it will get easier.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Like every relationship, it was good but not perfect. I'm a very strong woman and can turn my hand to anything. I know I can be scary but like I said to him, I wanted to need him. I wanted to be able to tell him I needed him to hang pictures or take the trash out or mow the lawn. I had always taken care of business and allowed him to be lazy in the home. He did try help but I always told him he didn't do it right. He thought I was controlling (maybe this was true to an extent) but I felt he never took the reigns. If I look at it objectively, at the end our relationship was appalling but we hadnt taken the time to nurture it. I had my baby and he had his (the business) and, not making any excuses whatsoever, there was not time left over for us after our responsibilities. We used to have Sunday together as a family and his interfering mum (who was encouraging us both to quit the relationship begin the others back and being encouraging when we were together) always insisted on being there do we didn't get any us time. Our DD has sleep issues so by the time she went to bed, it was 10/11pm and we were too tired to even talk. Its easy to see where it went wrong but it doesn't change where we are now and his reluctance to admit to his parts.
I am ready to work on me, piecing my children back together and just doing the best I can to get my life back on a track I like.
Anyway, want to sound off on anybody reading. The friend who told me about the affair is related to my ex and knows the OW quite well. She thinks I should go to his bar to do the handover for the children. This is because they're keeping the relationship strictly in the bar and we will have to get on in there for him to keep up appearances (he has not confessed the A to me and has made it so I don't find out, and hes also in his place of work so he has to be nice) She thinks it may burst their little bubble and make the real, unattractive parts of the OW come out. She said it will force their hand and bring control back to me. Good idea/bad idea? Opinions please.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would do it. But I'm stubborn like that. 

Was it in Angela's Ashes (true story) where the mom dragged the kids to the bar and handed them over to the drunkard dad? Pretty effective strategy, IMO. I doubt OW has any intention of caring for kids.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

My children won't scare her off, its complicated but she's already met them. I was her friend and our kids played together. Something else that works against me.
Her and her ex broke up in October. They had an on/off relationship for 8 years and have 3 boys under 5. He has 2 children from a previous relationship (too many children involved). I'm wondering how long it is before her and her ex start getting along?!
However, I know she's intimidated by me because when we first met, she kept telling me how amazing I was and how pretty I was. I know that if I go in, they have to play nice because I aren't supposed to know and its going to be hard seeing us all pull together as a family. It will also just make them uncomfortable and spin out a bit, not as bad as them turning my world upside down


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

brainaches said:


> My children won't scare her off, its complicated but she's already met them. I was her friend and our kids played together. Something else that works against me.
> Her and her ex broke up in October. They had an on/off relationship for 8 years and have 3 boys under 5. He has 2 children from a previous relationship (too many children involved). I'm wondering how long it is before her and her ex start getting along?!
> However, I know she's intimidated by me because when we first met, she kept telling me how amazing I was and how pretty I was. I know that if I go in, they have to play nice because I aren't supposed to know and its going to be hard seeing us all pull together as a family. It will also just make them uncomfortable and spin out a bit, not as bad as them turning my world upside down


So that is a bit more complicated, but I still think that the idea of actually caring for your kids, especially when she already has her own, will make this more likely than not to fizzle. I could be wrong, but that's a lot to take on. It doesn't really matter though because what matters is you and how you move forward. 

I'm mixed on the bar idea. In general, I think it can lead to more harm than good to put your kids in a position where they could come across as leverage (especially if they're aware that they're being used somewhat in that way). I grew up in a household like that and still have painful memories of the experiences.

You have a lot of huge decisions to make and I'm hoping you ultimately get what you want.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

I hope you do too. Its just a struggle when you start over analysing everything and trying to find answers in absolutely everything that happens. I mean, when he picks my kids up and drops them off, he winks at me. Is this just familiarity or is he feeling something. He sent me a text a few days after I kicked him out saying his phone was charging and to ring him if I need him. Could i have reconciled then if i would've just not been angry?
Tomorrow, I start getting it back on track. I get to a lawyer, discuss things. See if I can find a counsellor for my and my DD and get my son booked in with my friend for some holistic therapy as he is suffering and doesn't have good language skills.
After that, I will take it day by day. Ex isn't having the children until a week on Friday so i will decide then what to do. If I'm strong enough to actually go through with it. I am using my children as a way in but I know full well it cannot and will not escalate in front of them and it might push him into making a decision. Every person in the bar likes me (and they don't all like her) so it might make him see it all in a different light. It might not but at least I will be showing him indifference and that I'm moving on and may free me a bit when I see him again (because he isn't looking after himself and she won't look after him, I might look at him and wonder I was fussing so much)


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

About going to counselling- should I tell my ex I'm going or just do it? And should I tell him about taking DD?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell him, just to let him know it's his fault his DD is having to go.


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## brainaches (Dec 29, 2016)

Thanks for the advice but i think I'm just going to go for it. From what I've read from other threads, he wont even care if its his fault or not, he will just use it as something to argue about. Nothing will affect him whilst hes in "the fog", he will lay the blame at my door for kicking him out and the realisation wont kick in until the fog lifts. I need to make my children my number 1 priority and if he was bothered about how it affected them, he would've opened up instead of burying his head in an affair


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