# Newbie



## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm a refugee from the CWI forum, although I do far more lurking than posting. Took me a while to find this place, but I'm glad I did, and I've been reading some of your stories, with gratitude for all of the advice that I've seen so far.

My story, in a nutshell - 10 year relationship, never officially married, but common law and cohabiting. Suspected and then confirmed that she was cheating on me. Laid it all bare last April, and she left. 

I'm still living in our formerly shared condo. She stayed with a friend for a while and has now rented her own place. Still hasn't moved all of her stuff out of here. 

Caveat - we were a same-sex couple, which I know isn't the norm around here, but I haven't seen anything that would make me think I'm not welcome here 

Basically, I'm struggling with the same thing that many people here seem to have struggled with...the loss of a shared goal, for lack of a better term. I'm nowhere near ready to date and/or trust again. And I feel like we had this life (that I thought was great), and I had a goal, a plan, a common thing to work towards and make together. Now I'm not sure what the point of it all is. I just feel like I'm drifting along.

So the question (I think) is...how do you find a purpose again? I have a good job, but I don't live to work. And we did not have kids.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Developing that sense of purpose or self just takes time...do you have a good support system of friends? Do you remember the things you liked to do before you met your ex? 

I always recommend trying meetup groups. They are a great way just to get out and meet new people with common interests, with out worrying about dating. Dont stress about feeling you are not ready to date, it gets better over time. One day you will just be ready.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

barcodelabelhere said:


> And I feel like we had this life (that I thought was great), and I had a goal, a plan, a common thing to work towards and make together. Now I'm not sure what the point of it all is. I just feel like I'm drifting along.


There's your problem. Use this time to figure out what you want in life, and go after it. A person should be an assistance to that, not the end goal itself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

and place her remaining items into a storage unit, pay the first month's rent

mail her the key and address.


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

unsure78 said:


> Developing that sense of purpose or self just takes time...do you have a good support system of friends? Do you remember the things you liked to do before you met your ex?
> 
> I always recommend trying meetup groups. They are a great way just to get out and meet new people with common interests, with out worrying about dating. Dont stress about feeling you are not ready to date, it gets better over time. One day you will just be ready.


I have a great support system of friends - I'm very lucky. But, while they were my friends first, they were also our mutual friends. So hanging out with them is sort of always a reminder that she's not there with us. That part is slowly getting better, mostly as I get past all the firsts. 

Annnnd, the things I liked to do before I met her are pretty much still all the things I did when we were together. Playing sports, going to pubs, hanging out with friends. There's just a gap beside me when I do all those things now.

I've thought about finding new friends and new interests, but I like my friends and my interests! 

I keep most of my nights fairly busy, except when I need some quiet time to recharge. I just sort of feel like I'm treading water and not going anywhere. Which I suppose is fine, but it doesn't feel fine. It feels pointless.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Just because you already have friends and interests doesn't mean you can't develop more.  Don't become stagnant! We are meant to evolve - that's part of growth. You don't want to be exactly the same 10 years from now, do you?

The next time you see or hear something you think is interesting, incorporate that into your life on a trial basis. Someone talks about geocaching? Research it and go on a few jaunts to find them. Someone mentions a trip somewhere that sounds cool? Make plans to go. Join a meetup group that does something you like. If you like to go hiking, go with a group. It will be refreshing to go with people that have no ties to your ex.

And no, your gender or the gender of your SO really have no bearing on what you are going through.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi Barcode!
Welcome over and I'm sorry you are here.
It takes time to process everything you've been through, and compared to many who have to go through protracted divorces, your wounds from the infidelity have barely healed.

Consider picking one thing you may have wanted to try in the past, and just never did and go do it. Don't worry about whether it ends up being a good fit for your life, just do it. One thing that is all yours. You start making new memories without the ex. It helps.

And I second getting her stuff out of the condo. She has no right to expect you to be her storage facility while she finds the right spot. I also heartily recommend a little remodeling work to make your home all yours.


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