# When your ex abandons the kids (and you)



## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

How do you deal with an ex who decides it's easier to just get up and move over 1k away from you and the kids and moves in with a parent? I've gone through all sorts of emotions with this...sad, pissed, upset, numb, angry, happy (for me, not the kids), etc. I cannot comprehend how he can do this. I know I can't make his decisions or change what he does, but it's so upsetting.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

prunus said:


> How do you deal with an ex who decides it's easier to just get up and move over 1k away from you and the kids and moves in with a parent? I've gone through all sorts of emotions with this...sad, pissed, upset, numb, angry, happy (for me, not the kids), etc. I cannot comprehend how he can do this. I know I can't make his decisions or change what he does, but it's so upsetting.



I suggest you place your children into therapy. They will need to deal with abandonment since they have formed a parental bond with him and that will most likely hurt their development. Children are more likely to develop mental disorders and other behavioral problems with parental abandonment.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Has he mentioned divorce? How old are your children? What arrangements has he put in place regarding child support?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I feel for you, as this is one of the things I could never bring myself to understand either. It's bad enough that we divorce and leave our spouses, but it is hard to imagine a parent being willing to give up any more time with their child than is absolutely necessary.

For me (divorced, and remarried) I have our girls 4 days a week. I still feel so sad for the three days without them, because our time with our kids is so precious and it goes by so quick as it is. Their dad and i both want to be with them as much as we can. We are extremely amicable. But still, we each miss being with them every day. We also share pics of what they are doing when they are with the other parent (just of the kids, not the spouses). I can't imagine moving 1,000 miles away. I know it happens all the time, but my brain can't bend around it.

The marriage may be over, but the parenting is not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some men are not meant to be husbands.

Some men are not meant to be fathers.

Some men were not meant to be........anything.

They take up space.

And they suck the air out of those that get too close.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Cosmos said:


> Has he mentioned divorce? How old are your children? What arrangements has he put in place regarding child support?


He knows I'm filing, but does not openly discuss it (or anything for that matter). 14, 16 & 21 are the kids' ages. He knows he'll be paying support. We have made arrangements until support starts.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I suggest you place your children into therapy. They will need to deal with abandonment since they have formed a parental bond with him and that will most likely hurt their development. Children are more to develop mental disorders and other behavioral problems with parental abandonment.


They are actually behaving much better since the separation. But, yes, I agree with therapy.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I wish my ex wife was your ex spicy. She has basically abandoned her children for her boyfriend. She has now missed two visitation dates and hasn't paid child support in over two months. My kids are younger then the OP and they are being effected by her behavior. She hasn't called or texted them let alone telling me she wasn't going to show. My children are in therapy and that helps a lot. 

Sent from my 5054N using Tapatalk


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

txcouple903 said:


> I wish my ex wife was your ex spicy. She has basically abandoned her children for her boyfriend. She has now missed two visitation dates and hasn't paid child support in over two months. My kids are younger then the OP and they are being effected by her behavior. She hasn't called or texted them let alone telling me she wasn't going to show. My children are in therapy and that helps a lot.
> 
> Sent from my 5054N using Tapatalk


How incredibly sad. I am so sorry your kids and you have to deal with that. :frown2:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I divorced three years ago and my ex abandoned the kids. When we separated he moved to another state and told us all "there was nothing to keep him here". I'm pretty sure that was not what his children wanted to hear from him, but it is all they got. He's since moved out of that state but I don't have an address, employer, or land-line number for him. He does not communicate with the kids. The only way any of us have gotten any communication was by FB, but it is sporadic.

You tell the kids his actions reflects on him, not them. You be THE parent for them. You show them that life goes on without two parents and tell them all the time how worthy they are as human beings. Counseling might help, but your actions can speak volumes.

(And you rant on TAM, lord knows I have).


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> I divorced three years ago and my ex abandoned the kids. When we separated he moved to another state and told us all "there was nothing to keep him here". I'm pretty sure that was not what his children wanted to hear from him, but it is all they got. He's since moved out of that state but I don't have an address, employer, or land-line number for him. He does not communicate with the kids. The only way any of us have gotten any communication was by FB, but it is sporadic.
> 
> You tell the kids his actions reflects on him, not them. You be THE parent for them. You show them that life goes on without two parents and tell them all the time how worthy they are as human beings. Counseling might help, but your actions can speak volumes.
> 
> (And you rant on TAM, lord knows I have).


I just can't comprehend how a parent can do that. It makes no sense at all.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

As already recommended, get your kids into therapy, asap (you seemed open to this, which is great!). They need a safe place to process that doesn't involve you (no offense, but kids don't like their problems to increase burden on a parent, so could be apt to hold feelings in). 

After some initial therapy, my next suggestion would be to get them into programs with good male role models, if they're not doing this already. Martial arts, scouts, debating teams, volunteering (particularly work with veterans) - there are so many options out there and there's bound to be something your kids are interested in.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex lived 10 minutes away.....and never visited the kids (5 teens). He paid the agreed on child support, mostly.... but he'd always call first and ask if I needed money. Schmuck. 

I agree with the poster who said make sure the kids know this isn't about them. You can do that without trash talking their dad. I just agreed that "dad" was in his own bubble. They understand....and as time goes by, they know who was there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> My ex lived 10 minutes away.....and never visited the kids (5 teens). He paid the agreed on child support, mostly.... but he'd always call first and ask if I needed money. Schmuck.
> 
> I agree with the poster who said make sure the kids know this isn't about them. You can do that without trash talking their dad. I just agreed that "dad" was in his own bubble. They understand....and as time goes by, they know who was there.


Honestly, I think that is WORSE than him just moving away like the OP's XH.  How sad for the kids that dad is more or less down the street yet cant be bothered with them.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree. I really thought he'd be a decent weekend daddy at least....cuz he didn't want to be bothered with "drama" or have kids "giving him grief". I think maybe he just enjoyed being free and single. 

I called him on it once. He was flabbergasted.....couldn't figure out where that was coming from. 

He hasn't celebrated another birthday or xmas, or fathers day or anything with them.....i ten years now. He did come to oldest son's wedding two years ago. All the kids moved to where Tx after I did and left him behind. I think they are ok with him, not close, don't go out of their way for him..... and they loooooooooove their mama! 

But the crazy schmuck will still brag about his fathering skills. He also adds up all the kids ages and brags about his 100+ years of being a dad. GAG


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

prunus said:


> How do you deal with an ex who decides it's easier to just get up and move over 1k away from you and the kids and moves in with a parent? I've gone through all sorts of emotions with this...sad, pissed, upset, numb, angry, happy (for me, not the kids), etc. I cannot comprehend how he can do this. I know I can't make his decisions or change what he does, but it's so upsetting.


Same as you do when they live a block away and declare you're no longer part of the family.

You just get on with your lives without them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My ex moved 2000 miles away after we got divorced. I was quite happy because he was far more disruptive than anything else. My kids were about 3, 5 and 7 when he moved away - they were 4 months, 2 and 4 when we split up. He skipped a lot of the time he was supposed to spend with them too, before he left for good.

I never lied to the kids about what he was doing. He would promise them things and not follow through a lot. My heart broke for them many times over, especially my oldest son. They/we did a LOT of therapy over the years. The youngest is probably the most well adjusted. The oldest still has a lot of sadness and resentment in him - he's 27 now and says he will never have kids because his childhood sucked  My ex died this past spring without ever being the dad my kids wanted.

I don't know what I could have done differently - no way was I going to stay with an emotionally abusive alcoholic. My kids and I have good relationships now, for the most part.


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