# will i ever get past the pain?



## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

My husband of 27 years opened up to me and confessed his past affairs, the last one being 12 years ago. He has begged for my forgiveness and is recommitted to our marraige. We have just completed the love dare book and we are planning on renewing our vows on the beach in florida. My question is how do i ever get over this broken heart! I love my husband more then anything but no matter how loving and sweet he is to me, i just can't get past the pain!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why did he confess now?


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

He said he couldn't live with himself anymore,he was talking about killing himself. He needed me to forgive him because he was such an ******* and did't know how much he loved me. He was always going out to bars and such alone because we had 3 little kids at the time. Now that the kids are all grown up we go out together all the time and we are never apart and we have grown so close!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Forgive him if you can. I know it feels awful, it is awful. Put in place safety nets to protect your heart, but he may just have made a terrible mistake. He clearly loves you for telling you of his own valition.

As a spouse that was left for the OM, I can tell you the abandonment and betrayal of a non-repentent spouse if very hard to cope with. I often wish she'd confessed, begged forgiveness, and we'd been able to make it a catalyst for a stronger marriage.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

In time it will fade. I don't think you will ever forget though. How long has it been? 

He does sound very regretful, and for him it was 12 years ago but for you its fresh, you just found out. I do think you can get past this if he is willing to be supportive and open with you.


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

i have already told him I was not going to leave him and I'm working on total forgiveness. It's just that I can't beleive he accually did this 12 years ago, why didn't i see it? We had a great sex life, he loved me,held me all night long and supported me and the kids,bought me whatever i wanted, built me a new house also during this 6 month affair,which he says was only physical. meeting her at a bar on fridays and having sex in his truck on a gas well road. oh yes, he told all the details. He also told me to call her to confirm his story, see i know her. So i called her and she was shocked, We were friends with privlages only she said, no love, she was also married at the time.It ended when he told her he loved me and was never going to leave me, she was only a peice on the side.My problem is i just learned all of this 3 months ago. He is doing everything I ask to help me get past the pain,crying and begging me not to leave. 
I'm not leaving ,but how do i get these images out of my head?


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Joy,

You will forgive, but never forget.

Many find differing ways to deal with.

Its still too soon for the fog to clear, you obviously have clearly stated forgiven, next is moving on as forgetting never happens.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I am sorry that you, too, are having to deal with this. I think I am getting to the point that I really don't care, anymore. There should be more to life than living with heartbreak on a daily basis. I have learned things that I never even thought about before and am still encountering lies. I don't think it is getting better, as with every lie, I am closing off my heart and feelings. I wouldn't presume to know what is best for you, but I am being tested to the limit in my marriage, and it is dissolving day by day. Whatever you do, do it for yourself, as the cheating spouse is the one in the wrong here.

I wish you the best.


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks, I'm sorry to hear about your marraige! I am committed to make this marraige work. My heart is broken, but with time i'm hoping the pain will lessen. My husband is totally committed to make it work also. The learning to trust again thing is the hardest part. We are renewing our vows on the beach in florida,we bought new wedding rings and had them ingraved.


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

It seems like maybe 2 days go by now and i'm ok then for no reason I get soooo angry i feel like i could explode!!!!!!!! I just keep asking him why,why,why? She was't prettier or skinnier then me? Why would he do it? Why are these thoughts still haunting me? He said it had nothing to do with me,it was him. I just don't understand! Can someone help me understand!


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Hon, I wish I knew what to tell you, but I feel the same way that you do, at times. It is like one step forward and two (or more) steps back. It is so frustrating.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

joybro - what you are going thru is normal. Infidelity is devestating, even with a remorseful spouse, and wondering what you did to deserve it, what that other person had that you didn't have, or wondering if she was better in some way, are all part of the process.

People cheat to fill some deep dysfunction in themselves. They don't feel desirable, they want that rush, they want to feel power. Your husband isn't lying when he says it wasn't anything to do with you, however, the real question is, what about himself or his thought process allowed him to make those choices.

It wasn't about you: Your desirability, or value, sexual attractiveness, or anything else. He made a stupid, life altering choices. He's the flawed one.

There are good books you may want to read: "After the affair", "Not Just Friends", are both good and will help you understand things more. 

If your husband is truly committed to helping you heal, he needs to read these too, and take the steps you'll need to rebuild trust. Transparency, access to his email, tel, etc, honesty, and a commitment to helping you feel safe.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity is a great resource for what you are gong thru. 

Unfortunately, your relationship will never be what it was. You have the opportunity to make it better, in some ways, more honest, intimate, and to break some of the enmeshment that happens in a long relationship. It's going to be work, and you are going to have to go through the long painful process of accepting that the person you most trusted in this world violated that trust. It's a painful spotlight on the reality that we are ultimately alone in this world, and that the external things we look to for safety and guidance, can't always be trusted.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. In my early post I'd said you should forgive him. I should have said, if he steps up, and does all the things you need from him, you should try to be open to forgiveness. Don't forgive too quickly, don't be in a rush to heal. This will take years, not months, for you to get over.

I'm 2+ years out of infidelity. My wife cheated and left, and I'm in an okay place. Still sad, however my sitch is a different in that we couldn't make the relationship work. If she'd done what she needed to help me heal, I think I'd be much farther along the process by now.

Hang in there.


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks for that reply!!!! It really helped me! I did go to the web sight you suggested and joined, i hope it helps! I had a couple really bad days, being MAD!!!!!!!!!!! MEAN!!!!!!!!!! and really NASTY!!!!!!! Putting in the digs to make hiim feel like crap! Now that he is totally depressed and worried, I feel better! Is't that horrible! I do love him with all my heart! I feel like I am on a rollercoster, up and down moods, everyday is differant!


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Yes, I've been where you are now & no, it isn't easy coping. What you are experiencing is 'normal' in the grieving process. It's as if you have lost a loved one, right? Well, in a way (in your heart), you have! For me it felt as if my best friend had died suddenly, of a horrific accident. My emotions took me through shock, anger, depression, numbness... then I got mad as hell! 

At that point I wanted to lash out but remained fixed on a plan B. My plan B was to outshine the OW by becoming an all around fabulous woman. A better job, tighter abs, full makeup & hair, a broader group of friends and a full social schedule - no men, just other intelligent women. 

He still doesn't understand the change in me but now as I think of it, the affair has made me a stronger person than before - I am now a woman of power and I wear it well! She can't touch me and now I attack his attention just by coming home with a smile on my face and something to talk about that he finds interesting to listen to.


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