# Using grief to justify arguments



## Tamarindo

It's difficult to confront the issue when the loss of family member is the justification given for ones actions. I've never voiced my opinion on the matter, but every time it feels more and more inappropriate. I'm not the best with word choice, by inappropriate I'm referring to: out of place or I'll suited for the situation. 

Thursday morning on the 14th I woke up at 5:20 and began getting ready for work. At this time my spouse walks in from the living room. This is the first time I'm being informed of a missing ID and credit card. The tone of voice is a little desperate, maybe a little hysterical; Perhaps it's understandable after being up all night looking for the missing items. It explained why I was woken up several times to muffled thumps of drawers opening and closing. 

A request for help locating the items was made. I asked if they had checked if anyone had made a purchase with the card. There was no record. I also asked if they believed someone took the items. To which they replied that they didn't know, because someone could sneak in while they're sleeping. We have a keypad lock and my spouse often disables the feature to the point that I can't get in without knocking, ringing, and calling by phone. Access requires knowledge of the code or for someone inside to open it. For someone to sneak in implies that I opened it or gave out the code, I mentioned nothing and put it off as irrational sleep deprived thoughts. Additionally it was mentioned that they were seeking help and not trying to accuse anyone. This is immediately after stating there was a possibility of someone sneaking in. 

Calmly, I explained that I didn't believe they were taken by anyone and that the items were likely in the house. I even made an effort to look in places that they couldn't. I mentioned that the debit card can be used for purchases and that it was easy to get a replacement credit card. In an effort to appease the undue sence of urgency I said "you don't need the ID." Several weeks, sometimes even months go by where I don't need to show my ID to anyone; it didn't seem like an urgent mater, but that comment caused an explosion of angry emotions. I remained calm and asked what they needed the ID for. "For nothing!" was the immediate answer. 

"You see, don't need it. You said so yourself." Suddenly I'm accused of being controlling. Then they deny saying needing the ID "for nothing," so once again I ask what they think they need it for. An incomprehensible three word expansion was given first, then "a disaster happens!" then "you destroy me!" I still haven't finished getting dressed. 

I didn't reply to reasons given, instead I began explaining that we would simply get a new one. They said "you don't want me to have it do you!" I just reinterated that we would go on Friday after work for a new one. Then they said "you took it didn't you!" And again I calmly explained that we would get a replacement. Mid sentence they say "I came to you for help, but your not someone I can rely on." Then they walk away and I finished getting dressed. 

On the way out I heard loud noises, I assumed they were looking for the items. After work I found multiple text messages I'll paraphrase: My credit card is missing from my purse, did you take it? 
Do you have a lover or other spouse at work? 
Give me back my peace. 
Give me back my ID. 
You're mean. 

When I returned home I found the night stand toppled over, and broken--the loud noises. I asked "Do you still think I took it?" In a sharp tone they replied "maybe." Calmly, I asked do you know how it feels to be accused of something you didn't do?" Previously it had been confided in me how they'd been on the recieving end by others, and they didn't take it calmly. 

Two suitcases were left out. I asked what the suitcases were for. "I was angry, keep talking about it and I'll get angry again. I want to be calm, can I be calm?" I got angry and shouted that I'm the one who should be angry not them. What angers me is knowing how they could never tolerate the same behaviour, but I didn't mention this. They then said "fine be angry then". I replied calmly that I want to be calm too. That was the end of it, they feel asleep shortly after. 

I got home from work on Friday ready to go get the new ID and was informed that it had been located with the credit card. It was in the pocket of a coat. The explantion for the behavior was: "my father passed two years ago". 

One week later on Thursday the 21st I discover a screen shot of our joint bank account, the same one that pays the credit card, along with illogical texts from 8am to 2pm:
You've been eating breakfast at home, but you still go McDonald's in the morning. 
You keep things to yourself, so I don't know. 
Are you, and did you lie to me?
Is there someone else for you?
I didn't mean to upset you. 
I'm just so sad. 
It's been two years since he passed. 

Previously, I had complained about how little time there was for me to get breakfast from McDonald's since they open at the time I need to be at the parking lot for work. So on three separate days I bought chicken sandwiches in the afternoon and my spouse heated them up for me in the morning the next day. Then I began eating other things, curry, ribs, brisket. It just took that long for the McDonald's transactions to process, I didn't eat it in curry, ribs, or brisket day. Not that I believe for a moment that I need to justify buying any meal. They weren't even purchased in the morning, aditionaly my spouse is the one who was heating them up. In a text I addressed the three $4 purchases above and explained: "These sad feelings you're experiencing are normal responses to the loss of a family member. How long those feelings last are dependant on the individual person's ability to accept and be at pace with what has happened; it may take years and that's all right. There is no need to try to rush it or forget about it. What can we do to come to accept this?"

I've subtly made numerous suggestions: try a hobby, art, books, writing a letter to the deceased, etc.. they will claim to be "trying so hard," but not a single effort or attempt of any suggestion was ever made. Also, my text is still unread. I even have mild suspicious the text two years ago addressing the loss was also over looked. 

Also, how can that add up in anyones mind? Going to Mcdonakds regardless of the time of day means I'm lying and leads to questions of infidelity? I mean that I'm unable to connect the dots, what thought process could lead to those concussions?

The interaction from the 14th isn't the first. Many things have been lost in the past and the cycle repeats. Once it involved a log in the fireplace they said "if i didn't put it on there, then who did?" It feels like a trap, to trip it I'm supposed to say "you did it." That leads to an explosion of emotion and "You're against me," or "You're not on my side," or "this is when I need you the most and you treat me like this?" Once it was cash that they hid in the couch and forgot. One of the first times was over 5 years ago with a sweater. Back then they were grieving a different family member. 

Is it right to antagonize someone then claim it was done out of grief? Or start an argument then when it's not going your way use grief to win? How do I confront this? In my mind having lost someone should lead to understanding of the limited time we have. As such, altercations should be avoided not instigated, material things can be replaced not argued over.


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