# now she wants kids



## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

First post so let me give a little background. Me 34 her 31 married 7 yrs. She doesn't work and I can't get her to get a job without it turning ugly. So I accepted the fact with the condition she be the "hot" wife working out makin dinner and a clean house. That seems to also be a pipe dream because the gym is her last priority and laundry and dishes pile up. Now I am not perfect about 5 yrs ago I had a EA. Never knew it was going on or even the term but I own up to it. I believe it came from the fact I was tired of doing 90percent of the work. No inorder to break from the situation I left my dream job and new house to move back closer to her hometown. Nothing has changed. Our sex drives are not the same so that is a normal arguement. We do have 2 dogs which she does take care of extremely well and from my stand point I give her anything she wants from a material world. Luxury car jewelry clothes you name it. She tells me I am not emotional enough but it is hard when I am so angry with her and how she spends her days. So with alll that said she now is off the pill and is pushing me for kids. I can only see things getting worse and me takin on way more work. There more detail but not sure if it is needed. I am not at the point of seperation but don't want to have kids involved and later be toying with the idea. thks for any feedback.
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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

don't do it. sounds like you are at your breaking point now----that'll just make it worse. time for marriage counseling and/or a long talk. look at the "manning up" threads too. good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is the VERY best it is ever going to be. Not because kids make for a bad marriage. But because a spouse who can't bother to prioritize your needs with no kids, is going to totally blow you off when the kids are born. 

Happy marriages are the ones where both parties make the effort to prioritize each others needs. Full stop. You can limp along as you have been without kids. But add kids and well the "low" priority will become "no" priority. 

You might need to read "no more mr. nice guy". 




mirror said:


> First post so let me give a little background. Me 34 her 31 married 7 yrs. She doesn't work and I can't get her to get a job without it turning ugly. So I accepted the fact with the condition she be the "hot" wife working out makin dinner and a clean house. That seems to also be a pipe dream because the gym is her last priority and laundry and dishes pile up. Now I am not perfect about 5 yrs ago I had a EA. Never knew it was going on or even the term but I own up to it. I believe it came from the fact I was tired of doing 90percent of the work. No inorder to break from the situation I left my dream job and new house to move back closer to her hometown. Nothing has changed. Our sex drives are not the same so that is a normal arguement. We do have 2 dogs which she does take care of extremely well and from my stand point I give her anything she wants from a material world. Luxury car jewelry clothes you name it. She tells me I am not emotional enough but it is hard when I am so angry with her and how she spends her days. So with alll that said she now is off the pill and is pushing me for kids. I can only see things getting worse and me takin on way more work. There more detail but not sure if it is needed. I am not at the point of seperation but don't want to have kids involved and later be toying with the idea. thks for any feedback.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> This is the VERY best it is ever going to be. Not because kids make for a bad marriage. But because a spouse who can't bother to prioritize your needs with no kids, is going to totally blow you off when the kids are born.
> 
> Happy marriages are the ones where both parties make the effort to prioritize each others needs. Full stop. You can limp along as you have been without kids. But add kids and well the "low" priority will become "no" priority.
> 
> You might need to read "no more mr. nice guy".


Thanks for the feedback. I will be looking at both posts suggestions. I basically figured this to be the case but was not 100percent sure if maybe she would change or if I am just nervous to be a dad etc.
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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

mirror said:


> First post so let me give a little background. Me 34 her 31 married 7 yrs. She doesn't work and I can't get her to get a job without it turning ugly. So I accepted the fact with the condition she be the "hot" wife working out makin dinner and a clean house. That seems to also be a pipe dream because the gym is her last priority and laundry and dishes pile up. Now I am not perfect about 5 yrs ago I had a EA. Never knew it was going on or even the term but I own up to it. I believe it came from the fact I was tired of doing 90percent of the work. No inorder to break from the situation I left my dream job and new house to move back closer to her hometown. Nothing has changed. Our sex drives are not the same so that is a normal arguement. We do have 2 dogs which she does take care of extremely well and from my stand point I give her anything she wants from a material world. Luxury car jewelry clothes you name it. She tells me I am not emotional enough but it is hard when I am so angry with her and how she spends her days. So with alll that said she now is off the pill and is pushing me for kids. I can only see things getting worse and me takin on way more work. There more detail but not sure if it is needed. I am not at the point of seperation but don't want to have kids involved and later be toying with the idea. thks for any feedback.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



To me she sounds spoilt.

Just make sure she is not using "having kids" excuse to avoid a job. Happens quite a lot. Not the reason to bring a poor child into the world.

I was the same as in "nervous about being a dad", but one things for sure, I damn made sure I knew we was ok when I had kids. I would never bring a kid into the world to see if it makes things better, or just because she wanted them.

You have doubts, and thats because things are NOT ok, having kids will only make it worse


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you want no kids, then get yourself a vasectomy.

If you want your wife to get a job, make it your line in the sand.

I have one question though, did you ever discuss having children with her and give her any indication that it may be possible?


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

michzz said:


> If you want no kids, then get yourself a vasectomy.
> 
> If you want your wife to get a job, make it your line in the sand.
> 
> I have one question though, did you ever discuss having children with her and give her any indication that it may be possible?


We talked about having kids a year or so ago however that was during a "good time" in our marriage. Lasted about a month. Additionally we have on numerous occasions over the 7yrs during the same "good" times. Usually I get pissed, put my foot down and for 1 to 3 weeks she is on top of priorities to the order of 60\40 (that is being very generous), never a 50\50. This is rare though. As far as wanting kids, I absolutly will want to have kids once I feel confident she will pull her weight. I am actually getting a bit worried that by the time if I feel this it will be many years later. I learned over the years that 2-4weeks of being on the upside means nothing bc it can (and is) followed by months of low until I get angry and call her out.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This goes way beyond you. I am probably oversimplifying but:
- YOU want to have a great marriage where you do a lot for her and she does a lot for you
- She wants to do the minimum needed to get you to continue to meet all her needs - including her need to have children

And in the interest of being completely gender neutral this exact same situation exists with many high earning females with male partners who are motivationally "impaired"/"takers". 




mirror said:


> We talked about having kids a year or so ago however that was during a "good time" in our marriage. Lasted about a month. Additionally we have on numerous occasions over the 7yrs during the same "good" times. Usually I get pissed, put my foot down and for 1 to 3 weeks she is on top of priorities to the order of 60\40 (that is being very generous), never a 50\50. This is rare though. As far as wanting kids, I absolutly will want to have kids once I feel confident she will pull her weight. I am actually getting a bit worried that by the time if I feel this it will be many years later. I learned over the years that 2-4weeks of being on the upside means nothing bc it can (and is) followed by months of low until I get angry and call her out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Be up front and tell her you would like to have kids (if you truly would some day) but not under these circumstances. 

I know ALL to well how it feels as a women to want a child so badly. Different circumstances for me, but, when H refused to want a child after we lost one, I could have cared less about him and took matters in my own hands. Became very irresponsible in birth control. Three months into pregnancy, he got vasectomy.

So, just be up front...if you TRULY don't want a child now, use your own protection. As I also know all too well...once you have a child and have these feelings, it is NOT easy to move on with your life for happiness.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Here's the thing about kids: they take a lot of time and a lot of energy. Don't get me wrong, I love my sons to death and would never trade them, but from the time they are born to the time they move out, they're going to take a lot of your time. Even as they get more self sufficient, there's still a lot you'll have to do for them. 

If she won't take care of the house and laundry now, it will likely only be worse when there's a baby to clean up after, too. And as others have pointed out, assuming she does care for the baby and doesn't put it off on you, you will become even lower on her priority list, if you're even still on it at all. 

The other thing about kids is that they really complicate the breaking up process, if it ends up coming to that. My boyfriend is not the father of my kids, but we discussed very early on in the meeting process that with kids involved, any decision to break up could not be made lightly and that we would have to be sure of our decision so as not to confuse the kids. And in fact, he brought it up even before I did. And since then, he has told me numerous times that it would kill him if we broke up because he loves my kids as if they were his own. Which means that for you, it would be even rougher, because they would be your own. It would make it very difficult for you to decide to leave, because you'd keep worrying about what it will do to the kids, and if it's best for the kids, and that she'll try to keep the kids from you, and so on. Then there's figuring out custody and visitation and child support, which I can tell you from when I dealt with it in my divorce, is a situation that I'd rather go to he** and marry the devil than deal with it again. 

Having kids is something you do when you are in love, happy, confident in your marriage (or relationship), can afford it, and want to. They are not something you should do in order to fix a relationship, save a relationship, just to make your spouse happy, or because you feel forced. 

I would just be honest with her and tell her that there are issues with the relationship that need to be resolved, and that you need to really see they are resolved (several months or even a year or two) before you two can have children. If she won't even hear you out on the issues, or promises to change but doesn't...better that you can end things fairly simply now rather than much more complicatedly later.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you are waiting for the perfect time to have kids that time will never happen.

However, if you and your wife agree on a reasonable timeframe that is based on more than an urge, you could go forward.

For example, after a YEAR of good housekeeping without needing stress moments to achieve it.

Or, alternatively, she gets a job and the both of you figure out sharing housekeeping reasonably for that YEAR.

She can't just cruise through life watching TV, shopping, and yearning for a kid to solve her distress.

You can't keep your life on hold waiting for her to get her proverbial sh!t together.

But the two of you can solve this if she knows you love her and are not merely a replacement for her father.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

It just dawned on me that I guess I'm getting older as I've seen my share of marriage collapses.

You've been with her for 7 yrs. What you have is what you are going to get. Children will put a strain on your marriage aka it will not get better, it will get worse. You need to be solid before introducing that lovely chaos. You had an EA....you both know there is a problem in your relationship.

And sadly, the feminist in me hates to speak this out loud, but I have known several women who got pregnant to avoid working. 

Good luck, Leah


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--

i hear what your saying, she dosent take care of her self, she dosent make her home comfy, wont engage in sex....she sounds depressed, and lonely.

i dont think she wants a baby for the right reasons. she has said you arent connectiong emotionaly...a baby loves you no matter what.

if she feels unloved then sex wont happen, would you want to have sex with your spouse who wasnt emotionaly involved with you??

until you and she sit down and talk about what is needed and wanted and how to acheive it, then you and she will never be on the same page..

she does sound spoiled, but you have made it so. money dosent equal love...i think you are throwing money at her and hiding. you are accusing her of the past greviences, but you had a EA, that wasnt resolved.

you are holding back....she is holding back....why...you have to deal with the past to go on to the future...i know the past is the past, but past dictates future..

not being mean...just what i was thinking when i was reading. if its off base, then ignore...


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

Thanks for all the great feedback. I think I am at a point of reviewing the whole man up thing and a good talk. The talks just do not seem to last long though with changes. I have already tried some of the manning up stuff and funny they "seem" to work, I just am not into playing games. She has probably been playing all along though. Thanks again for all the reponses.
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Maybe she is unfulfilled in her role as a "hot" wife, cooking and cleaning for an emotionally distant husband. You might be giving her the wrong things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mirror,
I suggest you think long and hard about this. You have a partner who responds very badly to relationship stability. Are you prepared to accept a lifetime relationship where you constantly have to threaten to end the marriage to get her to prioritize your needs? 

BTW as "not nice" as this is, the dynamic worsens over time even without kids - with kids you accelerate the process because the financial equation steadily shifts in her favor. Meaning at some point she will be able to extract a big/very big financial settlement from you and walk away without a backward glance. 

And in most states the formula will factor in her lack of work history such that you have to pay her more, because she didn't work. The logic behind that is that her "implied" earning potential is less and so to even things up you have to pay more. Talk to an expert in your state. 

A simple but extreme example goes like this: A couple is married for 30 years. They never have children. She has a very successful career. He never works and is the stay at home spouse. In year 31 he has an affair with a much younger woman, falls in love and initiates a divorce. He gets:
- Half of all their assets
- Alimony for a long time - because the state views him as "unable" to fully support himself due to his work history

Factor in children and you need to add in child support payments. 



mirror said:


> Thanks for all the great feedback. I think I am at a point of reviewing the whole man up thing and a good talk. The talks just do not seem to last long though with changes. I have already tried some of the manning up stuff and funny they "seem" to work, I just am not into playing games. She has probably been playing all along though. Thanks again for all the reponses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You are NUTS if you have kids. It won't make your marriage better...It'll make it worse! Your wife is a big, immature child herself! She doesn't take care of the house or you, why should she take care of a baby? 

Also, bringing a baby into a bad marriage is WRONG. It's not fair to the baby. It's an innocent victim. If you think things are bad for YOU, an adult, imagine how your child would feel living in a strife-ridden home. A child isn't a possession, you can't sell it or trade it in if it doesn't work out. It's not even like a dog, where you can find a good home for it. 

Don't allow yourself to look at having kids as a "fix" and realize that it makes things WORSE to an already bad situation. Your wife sounds like a selfish, immature, self centered person..not the mothering type at all. Don't give into her. Go buy her a new car or a diamond ring if you feel the need to placate her. 

Sheesh..."My marriage sucks, should I have kids?" :banghead: :slap:


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## mirror (Feb 16, 2011)

Yea I figured that but wasn't sure if as a guy I was holding out due to nerves etc. just wanted to be sure that I had the right reasons. Thanks again for all the feedback.
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