# Looking for advice from those married young, had to start over midlife



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Been married since I was 19. Fourteen years later I find myself having to start over and I am looking for advice from those with similar situations. 
I feel this is my second chance to start fresh and I would like to make sure I do it right this time. 
I do have my two kids with me and open eyes.

Things I should try, not try, avoid at all costs, jump at the chance?
Thank you in advance.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you should try whatever you are interested in.

Just be careful about getting too close to any guy too quickly.. take time to get to know anyone you date. Don't introduce to your children for about a year. 

What kinds of things are you interested in?


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you EleGirl. 
I am interested in a lot of things and I just realized your question might have been rhetorical.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How long have you been divorced?


----------



## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Don't introduce to your children for about a year.


While I agree with your other statements I really disagree with this one. I understand what you are trying to say but from a guy's perspective this is extreme and any man worth pursuing will not be around that long if you are hiding such an important part of the package for so long. 

Once you both are comfortable that this could actually go somewhere it's important to see how that part of the equation works. I'm not saying "hey look kids, here's your new daddy!" But a family dinner or activity to introduce them is important to see how everyone is with each other. 

It helps us see the whole YOU and your kids may give you some valuable insight with their opinion of us.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How long have you been divorced?


It's not final yet. Im in limbo and the mandatory waiting period.

Looking to explore opportunities and avoid pit falls.
Not looking for another man necessarily. Maybe just myself and what to do with me.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> ]Looking to explore opportunities and avoid pit falls.
> Not looking for another man necessarily. Maybe just myself and what to do with me.


One thing I would suggest is pursuing a career or more education leading to a career you'll enjoy, and ideally pays well. Having financial security and independence gives you many more options (and may make you a more desirable partner), and ensures no one can control you or trap you over money issues.


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

There is who you were, who you are, and who you want to be.

Work to be who you want to be.

I get asked or told I'm different than I was before this. I answer.... "You're right".

I'll bet you had dreams you put off, things you wanted to learn, places you want to see.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am a man who married when I was 30 and got divorced after 24 years of marriage so my perspective maybe a little different. But I agree with what the others have said - get to know yourself better before you decide anything. Explore new opportunities and learn new things but always do so with no expectations. Take the experiences and see how you feel about them. What you will find is that your motivations now are (usually) nothing like your motivations then. Grow from your experiences and create a better life for your self. The real pitfall comes when you commit too early to any thing.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> It's not final yet. Im in limbo and the mandatory waiting period.
> 
> Looking to explore opportunities and avoid pit falls.
> Not looking for another man necessarily. Maybe just myself and what to do with me.


Well, definitely don't date until your divorce is final. If you're still in the waiting period, it's likely you're not ready.

I suggest finding a single moms Meetup Group in your area. I've made lots of good friends that way and have done fun Moms Nights Out, etc.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> One thing I would suggest is pursuing a career or more education leading to a career you'll enjoy, and ideally pays well. Having financial security and independence gives you many more options (and may make you a more desirable partner), and ensures no one can control you or trap you over money issues.


That is exactly what I'm doing. Getting my degree in accounting, half way done and looking for a stable job. Good, glad I'm on the right track so far. What you said is exactly what I am thinking MbH. :smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Ynot said:


> Explore new opportunities and learn new things but always do so with no expectations. Take the experiences and see how you feel about them. What you will find is that your motivations now are (usually) nothing like your motivations then. Grow from your experiences and create a better life for your self. The real pitfall comes when you commit too early to any thing.


I am afraid of having problems with expectations. Ones I can't meet.

Thanks for the advice all! Please keep it coming!!

Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> That is exactly what I'm doing. Getting my degree in accounting, half way done and looking for a stable job. Good, glad I'm on the right track so far. What you said is exactly what I am thinking MbH. :smthumbup::smthumbup:


Excellent! I'm an accountant and the pay/benefits are great. You can make your life what you want it to be. Stay the course. The great thing about the field is you can find positions anywhere you would like to live.

Definitely do the 180 on him and get rid of anything you had together that would remind you of him or keeps you from moving forward.

Best wishes to you.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I am afraid of having problems with expectations. Ones I can't meet.
> 
> Thanks for the advice all! Please keep it coming!!
> 
> Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


I am sorry you find yourself in this situation to begin with. 
But that is the thing about expectations - they set you up to feel failure when they aren't achieved. Perhaps I should have said beware of your expectations instead. If you take a trip expecting something to happen and it doesn't - you are disappointed. You feel like you wasted your time. But if you take a trip with no expectations than to take a trip to see what you find, you will never be disappointed. You may not have found what you wanted , but you did find out all the same. So I guess it really boils down to how you perceive your expectations. 
Moving forward from this you will begin to date. If you do so from the perspective of just finding out who the guy is rather than from the perspective of looking for z, y or z. You will never be disappointed because you will always find out who the guy is regardless of whether or not they are x, y, or z. At that point you can decide if is acceptable or not.
As far as things go, just separate the memory from the item. Especially if you need the item. If you don't need it, get rid of it. You will always have the memory and decluttering your life is worth whatever sentimental value you have placed on the item.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I am afraid of having problems with expectations. Ones I can't meet.
> 
> Thanks for the advice all! Please keep it coming!!
> 
> Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


You can do this. Just persevere. That's the key.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IDsrvBetr said:


> While I agree with your other statements I really disagree with this one. I understand what you are trying to say but from a guy's perspective this is extreme and any man worth pursuing will not be around that long if you are hiding such an important part of the package for so long.
> 
> Once you both are comfortable that this could actually go somewhere it's important to see how that part of the equation works. I'm not saying "hey look kids, here's your new daddy!" But a family dinner or activity to introduce them is important to see how everyone is with each other.


It has nothing to do with hiding something important from the man. It has to do with protecting the children. If a guy does not realize that children do not need to be involved with their mother's dating live, then the guy is not worth it. Children do not need to see their mother bringing different men into their lives. Children do not need to 'audition' for men in their mother's lives.

The fact is that if mom takes the kids out to an audition dinner with each of the guys she dates, they will do one of two things. 1) they will behave very well and look like model children. or 2) they will act like brats in hopes of chasing the intruder away.

There is another concern.... 

Children are 40 times more likely to be molested by their mother's boyfriend or new husband than in any other situation. It's a fact that men who are child molesters look for women with children to date. And they push to meet the children early and establish relationships with the children as soon as possible. It's a huge red flag.

After 6 months of dating is the very earliest... a year is much better.

It takes about 1 year to get to know a person well enough to know if they are worth keeping around. 



IDsrvBetr said:


> It helps us see the whole YOU and your kids may give you some valuable insight with their opinion of us.


Most children are not going to really like anyone their mother or father dates. They see these people as intruders. So that's pretty much what anyone can expect when meeting their date's child(ren).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> That is exactly what I'm doing. Getting my degree in accounting, half way done and looking for a stable job. Good, glad I'm on the right track so far. What you said is exactly what I am thinking MbH. :smthumbup::smthumbup:


Yes my question was rhetorical. Figure out what you really like and what you want to do with your life. Then do it. And it sounds like that is what you are doing.

Here is the USA we have a website *Find your people - Meetup *where people posts activities. For example where I live there are hundreds of groups listed for everything from groups for women with children to meet up so that the kids can play and the moms can have some adult time, book groups, dinner out groups, needle work groups, hiking groups, white water rafting groups, museum groups and on and on. All a person needs to do is show up. It's a great way to meet people who do the same things you like to do.

Perhaps there is something like this here you live. If not you could start one.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I am afraid of having problems with expectations. Ones I can't meet.
> 
> Thanks for the advice all! Please keep it coming!!
> 
> Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


I'd think that taking a trip to destroy sentimental memorabilia is a way to give that memorabilia way too much value. 

What I did was to put it in a heavy paper bag and then break it all in the bag and dump the bag in a dumpster. That way it was here it needed to be.. in the trash.

Then take a trip to a new place to celebrate your new life... build new memories.


----------



## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Children are 40 times more likely to be molested by their mother's boyfriend or new husband than in any other situation. It's a fact that men who are child molesters look for women with children to date. And they push to meet the children early and establish relationships with the children as soon as possible. It's a huge red flag.
> 
> After 6 months of dating is the very earliest... a year is much better.
> 
> ...


I guess I am just looking at it from a non-child molester view. Of course that and all of your other points are quite valid. I am just saying from a normal guy's view if I am quite taken by a woman and want to see what the possible future holds I would like to know all I can of what I am getting into, including her immediate family. 

That's the guy's point of view, not the mother's. Kind of a quandary I'd say.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IDsrvBetr said:


> I guess I am just looking at it from a non-child molester view. Of course that and all of your other points are quite valid. I am just saying from a normal guy's view if I am quite taken by a woman and want to see what the possible future holds I would like to know all I can of what I am getting into, including her immediate family.
> 
> That's the guy's point of view, not the mother's. Kind of a quandary I'd say.


If you have children, you should also be very concerned if your are divorced and your ex starts bringing men around your kids right away too.

I started dating 2 years after the divorce from my son's father. I get the desire to meet the other person's kids. In a perfect world it would be great. But what I learned is that this is not a perfect world. 

It's not all about the fact that there are creeps in this world. It's also the fact that kids are usually not thrilled about their parents dating. They usually really do not want to be part of it.

Most second marriage with step kids involved fail because of the children. Children did not pick their parent's new dating partner or new spouse and usually want nothing to do with it.

I learned this the hard way.


----------



## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

You have convinced me. I realize I was commenting based solely on my very narrow perspective of how I view things. Mine was not your normal situation. I had custody of my kids and I welcome any others so I'm probably not the best qualified to look at that situation objectively. 

You all can ignore me here now. :grin2: :grin2: :grin2:


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I'd think that taking a trip to destroy sentimental memorabilia is a way to give that memorabilia way too much value.
> 
> What I did was to put it in a heavy paper bag and then break it all in the bag and dump the bag in a dumpster. That way it was here it needed to be.. in the trash.
> 
> Then take a trip to a new place to celebrate your new life... build new memories.


I don't think I would take a trip TO destroy sentimental memorabilia or destroy the memorabilia at all but I would take a trip just to explore new places and things yes.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you have children, you should also be very concerned if your are divorced and your ex starts bringing men around your kids right away too.
> 
> I started dating 2 years after the divorce from my son's father. I get the desire to meet the other person's kids. In a perfect world it would be great. But what I learned is that this is not a perfect world.
> 
> ...


Since this part of the thread has gone from what to do/not do to dating with kids I'd like to throw in my two cents. 
I don't want to start dating until my kids are out of high school lol. 

Never the less I'd still like to get posts about fun or not so fun things when starting over after divorce.

Thanks again!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Since this part of the thread has gone from what to do/not do to dating with kids I'd like to throw in my two cents.
> I don't want to start dating until my kids are out of high school lol.
> 
> Never the less I'd still like to get posts about fun or not so fun things when starting over after divorce.
> ...


Does the Find your people - Meetup site have things to do in your area. Since none of us know the kinds of things you like, that might be a good place for you to start.

The trick is figure out what you like and find others who like it.

A good rule of thumb is to have at least one thing planned ahead of time.. .like a week or so. That way when the weekend comes, you are not sitting at home wondering what to do.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

This is true. The weekends come, the anxiety comes with them and not much to do. I did go to the meetup site but there was nothing listed around here. Time to research!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> This is true. The weekends come, the anxiety comes with them and not much to do. I did go to the meetup site but there was nothing listed around here. Time to research!


Yep time to research. 

Surely there are things around you. Are you attending a school that is big enough to have activities on campus? That might be a good place to start.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I do believe so. Good idea EleGirl!! Thank you!


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I left a 20-yr marriage nine months ago, but am in my fifties. Still, with no children, the first thing I did was adopt a little dog. I have a cat already but always wanted a dog and my husband did not. (Suddenly he is emailing me for advice as he wants to get one, lol) Anyway, it was the best thing in the world for me, as I have health issues and had become super reclusive...can't be that way now, I am taking her out for walks all day long in my apartment complex and meeting lots of people and their dogs. Such a change in so short a time...my close friends (who I see now regularly) can't believe the difference.

Not saying that is what you need, lol...your situation is much different. But to do things you always dreamed of can be important and satisfying, whatever they are. Getting an adanced degree is a perfect example. Try to plan some leisure stuff as well, preferably something you would not have done while married. You will meet new people, no pressure to "date" if doing group sctivities, and you can choose based on your own interests, not on what your spouse would have agreed to. Good luck. Do avoid relationships for a while...they seldom work out this soon after a marriage ends.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


I'm very newly divorced, so I'll tell you what I've been doing. I've been cleaning the house, going through stuff, and throwing out/recycling/donating the old stuff that needed to go. My thought process was I wanted to reclaim my house as my own. I've made it through my pantry, closet, and chest freezer, and as a bonus I also put in a dirt bike path for my kids. I've been taking down the wedding stuff and I am going to save that in a trunk for my kids for when they are older, since they will probably want it (it's a much better option than destroying the sentimental objects). This out of season "spring cleaning" really feels good. In the future after I save some money I am going to recarpet and repaint the house, and maybe hire an interior decorator to give it a facelift so the house doesn't have my XW's feel to it anymore.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Good on you Bananapeel!!
That sounds like a great way to heal and move on.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

honeysuckle04 said:


> It's not final yet. Im in limbo and the mandatory waiting period.
> 
> Looking to explore opportunities and avoid pit falls.
> Not looking for another man necessarily. Maybe just myself and what to do with me.


Everyone is different, but I would suggest to just take a few deep breaths and take it one day at a time for a while. 

After being married for 18 years and then getting a divorce because my wife decided she "wasn't happy anymore," I discovered that I rather like being single. If I had jumped right back in the dating game, I might not have discovered that as easily.

As I said, I know everyone is different; I realize that most people want to be with somebody, but give it time. You will probably experience some roller coaster feeling for the next few months. Just because you feel like crap divorced doesn't necessarily mean you need someone else right away.

I'd just take it easy and enjoy what you can and allow yourself to discover who you are now that you are single; after all, you've only known the married you for several years.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

southbound said:


> Everyone is different, but I would suggest to just take a few deep breaths and take it one day at a time for a while.
> 
> After being married for 18 years and then getting a divorce because my wife decided she "wasn't happy anymore," I discovered that I rather like being single. If I had jumped right back in the dating game, I might not have discovered that as easily.
> 
> ...


Very very true.
I will not even consider a new relationship until the divorce is final. That way I will be guilt free as the bs. It matters to me that I know I am not the one who cheated before or during this divorce. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also, my councilor advises against it for at least a year so I can heal properly and figure out what I want and what to expect going into a more mature grown up relationship.
If I am suppose to be alone the rest of my life I have to figure out how to be ok with that but if I am destined to meet someone new and fantastic I sure don't want to ruin it lol.

It will be interesting to find out how I've changed and what I still enjoy from my youth.


----------



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Did anyone do anything they wish they hadn't or wished they had? Like take a trip or destroy sentimental memorabilia?


At one point I got so mad I told my ex to just take out the wedding album and burn it, because it never happened. I wanted to set all record of the prior 20 years aflame. Except...well, I can't. Four kids came out of the marriage, so there's no pretending it was all BS, even though it sometimes feels like it was. 

Cooler heads prevailed, naturally.


----------

