# Thought H was cheating on me and now all we do is argue



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Sorry this is going to be long!

Me and my H got married in October 2011, he is 22 and I am 20. I know some people are going to say we were too young to get married but it felt right for us at the time and I see nothing wrong with getting married at that age. We wanted to be together anyway so we took the chance. I don't regret getting married and am fully committed and want the marriage to work. 

Anyway, after we got married we had our honeymoon period where everything was great. Then things got worse and worse, we kept arguing over silly things which became big arguments. Before christmas we had a big fight and I went to stay at my mother's house but we sorted it out. 

But then around March my H was acting all strange. He was being moody and when he came home from work he always complained about being tired and wanting to sleep. He only got this job in September and so at first I just thought he needed time to settle in but whenever he came home I could tell he was annoyed. 

Then I asked him what was wrong, why he was moody all the time and not being romantic and loving anymore. He even didn't seem like he wanted sex and I would always be the one to make a move. He told me that he was upset that we got married and wished we hadn't. He wanted to wait till August this year and said he felt it wasn't the right time. I was so shocked, it came out of no where, I didn't even think that thsi could have been the reason. We had a long talk which he told me that it would be best we had some space and we apart for a week to think. So in the morning I took my things and went to stay at my mother's house.

We texted each other but were just talking about casual things. Before I left I told him that if he wanted me and this to work he could call me when he was ready. One week passed and he didn't ask me to come back but we still texted. I was getting so upset and wanted to know what was going on. So I logged into his facebook account to see if he has been messaging his friend and was talking about us. 

But instead I found he was sending messages to a woman from his work. I didn't even know he was her friend, he said he didn't like her when she first started. But in the messages they seemed like they were flirting. He was being all upbeat and happy in the messages asking her how she was and saying he missed her when she wasn't at work. It hurt me because as soon as I read the messages I remembered that was the way he used to talk and send messages to me. I automatically thought he was cheating on me. So I decided to confront him about it, I went over to see him and told him that I didn't want to wait anymore for him to decide and wanted to know what was going on. We had a big fight about getting married, and the messages he had been sending. He seemed shocked when I said he had been cheating, he said he didn't realise he was flirting and that it was not his intention to flirt with her. She was a friend and he wanted someone to talk to. But he was so rude to me, he spoke to me like I didn't matter and showed me no respect. He hurt me so much but I wanted everything to be ok abd for us to get back together.

In the end we eventually got back together and I believed him when he said he only loved me and never wanted anyone else. Things were really tough at the beginning but they got better as we talked about our issues. He apologised for the way he acted and knew he was a total jerk and shouldn't have treated me the way he did. 

But the problem is I still can't stop thinking about whether he likes the woman from work or not. He still works at the same place and she is there too. Whenever he goes to work I hate it as I always feel like he enjoys it there more than spending time with me. I keep thinking about the messages he sent her and how he did it all behind my back. I don't know how to move on from this, I keep thinking about it and feel like he will cheat on me and he doesn't really love me and hates being married. I am worried that one of the main reasons I tried to forget everything was because I had university exams at the time and didn't want to be stressed and upset during revision time. He was a total jerk, he was so rude to me and dismissive and didn't seem to care if we seperated.

I can't help always worrying about him and if she is there with him at work all the time. I keep making indirect comments about her and the messages which always upset my H and we end up arguing all the time. He insists that he is not attracted to anyone else and was not flirting with her. But still, I feel upset and get angry whenever he mentions her name. I don't want him to talk to her but he still does.

Now I feel that this is affecting our marriage so much we just keep arguing even though we have fun and have good times it gets ruined by our arguments. I said I have forgiven him for the way he acted as he was so out of line but don't know if I can forget about it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I have some book suggestions for you. The list may seem overwhelming but you'll have to trust me that you'll be able to get out of them what you need.

1. Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend (recommended by forum member LeighRichwood). This will help you and your husband come to an agreement of what are the proper outlines for married life. It won't keep him within the outlines, but at least the outlines will be fully 100% spelled out.

2. Not Just Friends By Shirley Glass. This book explains how emotional affairs happen, how they stay hidden, etc. Your husband very well may not have done more than flirted a little too much and been a little too friendly with a co-worker. But if you read this book and pull out the parts that apply to him, you may be able to help him see how what he was doing was rather dangerous. Unfortunately, if you ever figure out that they did cross the line and betray the marriage--even just once or a little bit (not just sex, either, it starts WAY before that point), the way he will have to get over her is to not work with her any more.

3. His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley. This book will help your husband see that your marriage can be fun again. You will identify your mutual needs and work to meet those needs. Win/win. In the version of the book I have, Dr. Harley discusses how important it is for spouses NOT to discuss the marriage with sexually attractive people outside the marriage. And by attractive, I literally mean that they have the right chromosomes. Not that they are cute or young or anything like that.

4. Love Busters by Dr. Harley. This book helps you see how you alienate your husband and he does the same to you. Again, a win/win if you learn these well.

5. The 5 Love Languages. A quick and easy read and a fast way to jump start giving love the way that you each need it. People generally express love to others the way they want to get it--so you can be toiling away expressing love and he can do the same but you won't experience it that way unless your love languages are the same which they usually aren't.

If I had to pick JUST ONE book it would be His Needs / Her Needs, but really, if you are worried about the vulnerability of your young marriage, I would get them all. You'll continue to refer to them over the years as time goes by.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your reply, I will make sure to get as many of those books you listed. I really don't want the marriage to end, I am just always worried about my H sending messages to women behind my back again and it's getting in the way of everything. When he stays late after the work I am scared he is with her, he told me we shouldn't be together if I can't trust him. I want to trust him I just find it hard.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Thank you for your reply, I will make sure to get as many of those books you listed. I really don't want the marriage to end, I am just always worried about my H sending messages to women behind my back again and it's getting in the way of everything. When he stays late after the work I am scared he is with her, he told me we shouldn't be together if I can't trust him. I want to trust him I just find it hard.


Juicy, I find this note from you rather alarming. Can you elaborate more?

"Just trust me" can be meant sincerely, or it can be used to put someone in their place so that they won't investigate any further.

What does your gut tell you?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

My H insists that nothing has happened between him and his female colleague at work. He also says that he never meant to flirt with her in those messages he sent her and that he just wanted someone to talk to at the time. He said he didn't even realise that he was flirting.

But he gets frustrated when I make comments about her which I probably shouldn't do but still it just upsets me whenever I think about the way he spoke to her in those messages. Lately he has been coming home from work on time and hasn't stayed late. She dropped him home about two times as he has just had an operation and is having trouble walking. But it's these little things that annoy me. Like why does he still talk to her even as a friend when he knows it might upset me. Not because I am jealous if he talks to other women, but because it is her, the woman he sent messages to.

My gut says he is being honest and loves me, but I can't help feeling he might have been attracted to her and it is getting me down. I want everything to be good again and I admit things have got better but still I find myself worrying.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Oh and thank you for replying I am very grateful


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Can you share verbatim as many messages as you can. Be sure and take out identifiying details (their names, companies, towns, etc.). Maybe having more people read what they said to each other will help sort out how appropriate / inappropriate these message were.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so very sorry for your hard time. I know your ready for marriage, but your husband is not. He proved this by talking to other women and telling them that he misses them. This is an affair. It's called an emotional affair even if there is no physical activity.

I would really be suspicious and I would really wonder if it has been physical. Yes, he definatly is having an affair. He's going to deny it over and over.

I went through this and I was 19. Plus I had a baby. I later found out my ex h had several affairs.

I left and moved back with my parents. I remarried and my husband and I do not have any friendships with the opposite sex. I think it's wrong to have these friendships. They often lead to affairs. My husband agrees.

A lot of affairs do start at the workplace. Your husband said some really hurtful words and I feel awful for you. 

The only way your marriage will work is if your husband is willing to work on the marriage as well. Set some boundaries, especially to not have any friends of the opposite sex. Flirting is very wrong in my opinion. The only person I flirt with is my husband.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Juicy said:


> Me and my H got married in October 2011, he is 22 and I am 20.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your answer is in bold. ^^^ Yes, he's cheating on you. Yes, he get p!ssed that you keep bringing this up. I guarantee it's still going on and if there's no other signs of it, they've taken it underground. JMO!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree there are lots lots of red flags. Usually I'm the one going all "emotional affair" on the thread starter. 

Still, I would like to see specifically what the messages were that they exchanged, if you can share the content, either the actual messages or else the ideas in them. It will help us understand what you're dealing with.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I have copied the messages they sent to each other for you to read and get an idea (I have changed names and stuff for privacy)...

H: AMY....finally facebook had managed to connect us, been too long. How is your half-term break treating you?? O and how did the lovely review go?

Amy: Hello, I'm good thanks. My half term has been great, I had the most amazing time in Dublin but I am looking forward to getting back to work! The review went really well, most of us were interviewed but there were no real issues. We got a 'good' overall, I think Tom and Antony got 'outstanding'!!! How were your two trips to France?

H: I'm glad to hear that you've been having a good half term and that Dublin was good. Were you there for the whole week? I am actually looking forward to work also, but only to have a laugh with you and the others. Talking about work, I just saw Hilary in Tescos, it's like you can never actually get away from that place but It's good that the review went awesome.

France was good, yet again I have done embarassing things that have been caught on video but all the students and Charlie (not good). BUT I was watiing for your add on facebook so I could chat to ya during that week, I was a bit disappointed ! haha.

The Second trip was brilliant as I got to see all the sights and practice speaking French.

Have you got your Saturday school tomorrow? If you do good luck with them, hope there good for ya.


Amy: Lol, I'm sorry to disappoint! Am I going to be able to see this video? I was only in Dublin for the weekend, but we did enough damage- it is awsome there, you would really enjoy it.

That's the thing when you live right by school, you are forever running into people from work? Did you actually speak to her, or did you avoid her at all costs?


H: And so you should be! haha....only joking, I'll forgive you. I would like to say no, but I've got a sneaky feeling that it might crop up in mondays briefing, (hope it doesn't though). 

I made sure I avoided her, but my brother enjoyed shouting things out near her to embarass me... and today I just saw the second woman of evil, Glennis, in the street..damn those evil dwarfs. 

But...back to work tomorrow, Fun times and I want to hear how you damaged Dublin!!


One week later...

H: Hey AAAAAAA...MMMM....YYYYY......I realised I haven't spoken to ya since Friday, too long, and had to send ya an email to say hello. How has work been this week? I hope no one has been annoying you? I have noticed at Vyners the TAs are just as bad as the older *****y group at work, quite funny actually.

Amy: Hello! I've actually really missed you this week- which is quite worrying because its only Tuesday!!! I'm sure Tim is missing you too Everything at Stockley is fine- I had Jack Fisher for the first time today which was traumatic. 

It does not suprise me that the TA's are *****y- I think it is an occupational hazard. We however are an exception to that particular rule. How is it going at Vyners?

Hurry up and get your arse back to work!


H: It is a worry Amy, I was missing you on Monday! . O what happened with Jack Fisher? 

Yeah we are the big exception to that rule. But other than the *****y TAs Vyners was pretty good, learnt a lot which is good. I'm back tomorrow just for you Amy..wouldn't come back otherwise! haha

One week later...

H: Hey Amy, just checking to see if you and Aisha got back alright last night? Did your car start to work again? 

It was an awesome night though, still can't believe that poker face you gave me in that last hand. You are full of surprises. haha.


H: AAAAA....MMM..YYYY.....How did your Hebrew class go with those munchkins today? 

Just wanted to email to apologise for keep running away at lunch times during the week, I had a horendous week, both in and out of work. But thank you for keeping me sane on Friday morning with our chat!! Don't know what I would do at that place without you Amy.


Amy: Hello!

The class was great, I didn't get home until nearly 3 though, so it completely took over my Saturday but we only have another 2weeks until half term, so I can complain!!!

Don't worry about lunch, I hope your weekend has been better than your week!! Tuesday should be fine, we shall try and get Aiesha on board so we can celebrate her success!

See you tomorrow!


H: I'm glad to hear that the class went good...you can indeed complain, but just keep thinking, 2 weeks then a whole week, or two weeks??, off.

Yes lets get Aiesha to come too, was awesome that she got into Warwick. You were right the dream team are leaving at the end of the year, you and Aiesha! haha. It actually feels like I haven't left stockley with how many of the students I've seen over the weekend.

O I'm not in tomorrow as I've got a wonderful medical appointmet and somehow managed to get the whole day off. I think I will start to get withdrawal symptoms though as it will be 3 whole days of not speaking to you in person...just too long!!!!


H: Hey Amy, just checking if you're feeling any better now?? Was going to text you then noticed that I don't have your number, that has got to change. I hope you're feeling a lot better and can make it in tomorrow! Anything I can do please let me know!


Amy: Thanks Mark, I'm sure Aiesha is filling you in while out bowling (SO JEALOUS!!!),My number is ********* I probably wont be in tomorrow (not very happy about that I can tell you!!) but I will see you on Thursday. Hold down the fort for me while I'm gone! 

H: Aiesha did fill me in at bowling, but I'm really glad to hear that you're ok. Was getting worried. Don't rush back to work, please take your time..you're more important than Stockley. OOO you've given me your number, now I can always pester you !! So happy now!! O Carol was actually really nice to me today, I couldn't believe it... I think she is possesed! haha



And that is the last of the messages online, I knew there were texts after that but I read most of them and they weren't flirty in my opinion. But after re-reading all those messages I am crying I feel so stupid, like how can he say he was not flirting? I know we were going through our big fight then and I was staying at my mother's house and we were close to ending our marriage. But still...reading those messages hurts so much


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Yep, a stab right in the back. He's flirting and he knows it!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

After reading these messages I return to the same idea.

The biggest red flag would be communications about your marriage, i.e., turning her into an inappropriate confidant to complain about you and the marriage. I don't see that in these texts, but you don't have all of them. But you were able to read the texts and you're saying there wasn't flirting in them.

Does he let you review their texts and emails whenever you ask? Is his phone passworded--or his email account? Does he try to hide when he's communicating with her, or is he very open about it?



I would still get the books above. First read Not Just Friends so you understand how emotional affairs start. Then read Boundaries in Marriage. then sit down with your husband and go through Boundaries in Marriage. Explain to him how emotional affairs start and that few married people are out hunting for emotional affairs. Make sure he understands (these discussions need to be loving, not argumentative or lecturing) that it breaks a huge marital boundary for him to discuss his marriage with another woman, or for him to help her out with her relationship problems in particular, or other personal stuff that work colleagues shouldn't get into. That people fall into love (well, infatuation) this way every day.

Once you've agreed on your marital boundaries, turn to the other books to work on the marriage. For him to stay loyal and not be interested in other women (which he may already be--loyal, I mean) but as a preventative measure to help strengthen the marriage, the relationship needs to be in a good healthy place. These books will help with that.

Last, are you working on yourself, being the best person you can be? Are you eating healthy, exercising, and otherwise doing your "jobs" (whether working for pay or taking care of the home) to the best of your ability? Are you relying on your husband to meet too many of your needs? The biggest thing you can do to make yourself attractive is to boost your self-esteem by living your best life. You will need to do this anyhow, he could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so may as well start immediately.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. I will look at the books you have recommended. In reply to your questions I must admit at the begining he didn't say he was even friends with her. But after I found the messages he said he didn't tell me as he knew I would react that way and get jealous. But I just told him by hiding it he makes me think there is something going on.

He doesn't really hide it when he is messaging her, he has once but when I confronted him he said he didn't want any arguments. Since then he has let me see the messages if I ask. I know his email passwords and his phone password so I can check if I want to. I admit I did check alot before but don't check as much now. He said if I trust him then I wouldn't snoop through his emails and texts. But then again he says if I want to see I can just ask.

I do always make sure I look my best, I do my hair, makeup, wear nice clothes and do pay attention to my physical appearance. He says I am pretty and that I look good so I wasn't worried anbout that. But sometimes I worry as he said he feels controlled by me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You got married really young. He's told you he wishes you hadn't married. Then you find out he's being inappropriate with this woman from work.

I would just call it a day. You are still very young. This is way too much drama for such a new marriage.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Juicy said:


> I have copied the messages they sent to each other for you to read and get an idea (I have changed names and stuff for privacy)...
> 
> H: AMY....finally facebook had managed to connect us, been too long. How is your half-term break treating you?? O and how did the lovely review go?
> 
> ...


I took the liberty of bolding every red flag in these messages so you can educate your dumb-ass husband about respecting boundaries in marriage. He was trying to get an affair going with this girl, and it looks like she was starting to willingly receive his advances.

You're lucky you caught this early before it manifested, but, it shows what kind of a guy he really is. You might want to re-think about a long term future with this guy if he's already doing this to you now only a few months after being married!

BTW I'm a guy so I know his game, so you can tell him another guy is calling him out on his actions if he doesn't want to give in to admission that it's you calling him out.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Juicy said:


> I know his email passwords and his phone password so I can check if I want to. I admit I did check alot before but don't check as much now. He said if I trust him then I wouldn't snoop through his emails and texts. But then again he says if I want to see I can just ask.


I would keep checking. And don't let him 'scrub' the phone or email account before you look--that is a big red flag.

I say, lead by example. Keep your email account open on any shared computers. Leave your phone unpassworded. Leave it lying around.

Once you've had a chance to talk about boundaries in marriage and some of these others books, give us an update to let us know how things are going. Sometimes people just assume that it's okay to flirt without understanding that they are exposing themselves to danger. Their conscience is clean, so they believe they're innocent. Remember (and you will get this from Not Just Friends) most people don't plan to enter into an emotional affair; they just interact with people outside of marriage with few or poor boundaries and fall right into one.

It's not about how pretty you are. Read His Needs / Her Needs and 5 Love Languages and get him to fill out the His Needs questionnaire and the 5 Love Lang questionnaire, both free on their websites. Oh, and the Love Busters questionnaire. Tell him it's so you can make him happier. But if you show him your answers on your Her Needs etc. questionnaires, you are teaching him how to show love to you. win/win


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