# Legal Separation then possible divorce in NY



## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

With deep regret, my wife and I are not seeing eye to eye on just about anything. We first tried her way, through therapists. However, the first, she went herself and didn't like (I was not allowed to go). The second I was able to go, however, we had to stop due to his medical issues (back surgery). The third, she and the therapist will not allow a joint-session as she already started with her one-on-one. I suggested seeing a new therapist, she declined.

I've been reading many books on this from No More Mr. Nice Guy, His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters, etc. I've asked her to read the later two, she will not. We got into another argument today, as she cannot/will not discuss one-on-one with me on our issues. The therapist suggested separation, I then said fine. We should consider legal separation. I said the space should be good for both of us. I am creating the docs now, so we'll see if she signs them. 

My question is, do we have to wait a year from when the legal separation is signed to divorce, if we choose to divorce during this time frame? Can't we just then file for a no-fault divorce and use the MSA as the guideline? I know, in a year, it's pretty much automatic, but if we're still in the same situation six months from now, rather not wait til then.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you both want a divorce?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

No. You can file for divorce after6 months of living separate and with an agreement. You should consult a lawyer. Because the laws are different for every reason.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

I wanted to do this w/o lawyers as they are expensive. However, perhaps I can chime in on one and see if they can review the papers if it comes to it.

I would prefer to reconcile, however, I feel that ship has passed on through. She still doesn't believe that we're going through legal separation, so I will give her the papers this week.

Fact is we sleep in separate beds, even though I've requested for over a year to use one bed. She refuses. She has no intention to ever consider coming back to us using one bed. We both like the same side, though I said she can have either side. Then she complains it's either too hot or too cold. 

Then there is the issue of ZERO sex. She has ZERO interest in having any type of intercourse. Her answer, she just doesn't feel the need nor want too. This is now nearly a year, and I'm getting tired of it. 

She refuses to talk to me about our issues, saying she just cannot tell me what is the issue. I said how am I supposed to correct what upsets you if you do not tell me? She says, I just do not know what to say or do here.

There is issue with the way the home is decorated and located. She doesn't like the she had to move into my place. She said she did it for the relationship and that I owned a place, she rented and her rental was up. I told her to try out the commute first, she declined and said it will be fine. It takes her about an hour to get to and from work each day. She doesn't like that. I offered to move, she doesn't want to force me to sell the home. Can't win. She also doesn't like the way it is decorated. I said let's get all new stuff, slowly, that we both agree on. She said, we can never agree. She's the wife, and it's the wife's job to decorate the home. I said the best I can do is 50/50, where we both agree on everything. She declined. I then said, fine. You can decorate the master bedroom anyway you wish as long as you move back in. She told me to f*ck off. I shouldn't need your permission to decorate anything. Again, I just cannot win.

I love the woman very much, but it's plan hell at times. Perhaps, sometime away will do us good. She got all heated on today's talk, she said if you stay here and talk to me more, I am going to pack my bag and leave. I said, fine, please leave then if you want. I will not hold you back. All I asked was for some reasons and clarifications on issues. She says we go around and around and it solves nothing. Again I said, since you will not tell me specifically what you want and need, how can I solve anything on my end? 

I was also misdiagnosed with something that the original doctor said I caught from her. She was arguing with me on how doctors can read the tests correctly or not. I said it's 99.9% correct. Did I overreact at first, maybe, but at the time, it was life altering. We found out a year later that it was the wrong diagnosis. However, she recommended I get tested every few months. So I did, and then negative each time. I told her I may had overreacted and was sorry about that. However, I was going by the doctor's original tests as well as what she told me. She got even more steamed and then stormed off. 

All in all, there are a lot of communication issues. Even when I just sit there and listen, she then gets upset that I am not responding. So, if I sit there and listen, I'm wrong for not responding. Or, if I do respond, I am wrong there as well. 

It's like I cannot win.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Your life will be hell until you get rid of her. Get a divorce as soon as you can.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> My question is, do we have to wait a year from when the legal separation is signed to divorce, if we choose to divorce during this time frame? Can't we just then file for a no-fault divorce and use the MSA as the guideline? I know, in a year, it's pretty much automatic, but if we're still in the same situation six months from now, rather not wait til then.


No, you don't have to wait a year. The MSA is not just a "guideline" It is the settlement: assets, custody, child support, maintenance. 

IME, we had a mediator, did a legal separation first (with MSA, etc). Based on his subsequent behavior, I decided I need to divorce so the legal separation will be vacated to substitute the divorce but MSA was completely executed long ago. The hard part is *done*. The divorce is just a few more papers to notarize and then wait for a rubber stamp from a judge (literally took only the time to get the papers notarized).

The only sad part about vacating the legal separation is that a legal separation requires grounds in NY (which was adultery) and a divorce is no fault. There was some satisfaction in having a legal paper recorded at the courthouse admitting his betrayal.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Blonde said:


> No, you don't have to wait a year. The MSA is not just a "guideline" It is the settlement: assets, custody, child support, maintenance.
> 
> IME, we had a mediator, did a legal separation first (with MSA, etc). Based on his subsequent behavior, I decided I need to divorce so the legal separation will be vacated to substitute the divorce but MSA was completely executed long ago. The hard part is *done*. The divorce is just a few more papers to notarize and then wait for a rubber stamp from a judge (literally took only the time to get the papers notarized).
> 
> The only sad part about vacating the legal separation is that a legal separation requires grounds in NY (which was adultery) and a divorce is no fault. There was some satisfaction in having a legal paper recorded at the courthouse admitting his betrayal.


Seems that way from a lawyer I talked to as well. Thank you for your input.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

It seems sometimes, she wants to try and work things out, but others, no, not at all. I've been trying for a while to get her to work on us, but it seems like a no go. If she won't agree to a new therapist and won't even read a book, what else can I do? She won't talk to me one on one about us. I just hate to think I am being to rushing with the separation, however, I really do not know what else to do here. She says she wants to work on us, but then doesn't do anything. Any other avenues I can explore? 

Never been in this kind of situation before. It's like a totally different woman from what I married.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Marriage Help Program For Couples

You could write her a very short e-mail with the link and ask her to attend with you as a last ditch effort before a legal separation.

If she reads at the link and accepts, then maybe there is hope. It is an excellent program- much better than therapy IMO


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Blonde said:


> Marriage Help Program For Couples
> 
> You could write her a very short e-mail with the link and ask her to attend with you as a last ditch effort before a legal separation.
> 
> If she reads at the link and accepts, then maybe there is hope. It is an excellent program- much better than therapy IMO


We're not very religious people, however, I see they are open to all faiths. It looks like a very interesting program. I asked my wife to look at this via e-mail last night, heard nothing back yet. Hopefully, she'll say yes. Though, I am not too sure she will. After all, she will not even read a book. Asking her to spend two days at a retreat, might be a bit of a stretch for her. I am willing to go though.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You should be able to get a divorce when you want to. Do you think you and your wife could ever reconcile? Legal separation could give you the time you needed to figure out if you wanted to make the marriage work or not so it helps the couple not make rash decisions. You also don't really need a lawyer to get a divorce if you two agree on everything, but since you two can't seem to agree on anything you may need the aid of one.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is this MIJ?


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> With deep regret, my wife and I are not seeing eye to eye on just about anything. We first tried her way, through therapists. However, the first, she went herself and didn't like (I was not allowed to go). The second I was able to go, however, we had to stop due to his medical issues (back surgery). The third, she and the therapist will not allow a joint-session as she already started with her one-on-one. I suggested seeing a new therapist, she declined.
> 
> I've been reading many books on this from No More Mr. Nice Guy, His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters, etc. I've asked her to read the later two, she will not. We got into another argument today, as she cannot/will not discuss one-on-one with me on our issues. The therapist suggested separation, I then said fine. We should consider legal separation. I said the space should be good for both of us. I am creating the docs now, so we'll see if she signs them.
> 
> My question is, do we have to wait a year from when the legal separation is signed to divorce, if we choose to divorce during this time frame? Can't we just then file for a no-fault divorce and use the MSA as the guideline? I know, in a year, it's pretty much automatic, but if we're still in the same situation six months from now, rather not wait til then.


Good that you read NMMNG. I recommend this far more than HNHN or LB. This cuts to the chase about what you need to do. It can have pretty dramatic results and if you don't get your wife back, you'll be more than ready for the next. 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731


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