# Falling Back in Love?



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

If your unfaithful spouse said they had fallen out of love with you, were they able to fall back in love with you? Is it possible?

My husband cheated, found out almost three months ago. We had a false R for a while (he wasn't still cheating, but he was still lying about a lot of things). He's now making an effort to be truthful and forthcoming, trying not to dwell in that self-pitying mode, and trying to empathize. As we've been working through our problems, I've come to realize that he kept me out of his work and social life pretty much from the start.. he's always lied about things (mostly small things, but some big things), been conflict-avoidant, etc, etc.

So anyway.. he says that he stopped loving me about three years ago. He thought of leaving off and on, but couldn't bring himself to do that to me, because we have four young kids. Two years ago he started an EA that never became physical, and this past January started sleeping with prostitutes. He says he still doesn't feel 'true, unconditional love' for me, but he feels like it's 'on the tip of his tongue.' He really can't articulate these feelings.. one of the things he says is that he feels like he needs to rid himself of these selfish feelings so he can find his way back to the unconditional love he used to have for me.

Long story short.. my question is, is it possible for an unfaithful spouse, who hasn't loved their spouse in years, to fall back in love? Do you think it's better for the betrayed spouse to work on meeting his needs, or to back off? I don't want to always be the pursuer, but on the other hand, he's better able to empathize when we're connecting.

ETA: FWIW, he denies he loved any of the women he was involved with. The co-worker he had an EA with, he says they were 'just friends' - but it constitutes an EA because he concealed the relationship from me because he thought I'd be jealous, and he desperately wanted a friend (he doesn't really have any friends). He denies he ever had any romantic feelings for her. Obviously, he was sexually involved with the prostitutes, but he says he didn't love any of them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband didn't cheat but he left and said he didn't think he loved me anymore. He cared for me, but didn't love me.

He was gone for 3 months and in those 3 months by the 2nd month he admitted he was still in love with me and missed me tremendously.

I think, though, in an affair, they say that because they think it's true...but they still do love you.

But yea, I think people can fall back in love.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Yes. You can fall back in love. My wife and I did.
One of the biggest things that one needs to do accomplish that is absolutely no contact with the affair partner FOREVER.
The other thing is complete and total honesty with the spouse.

Without those two, I don't think it is possible.

My story is in my sig.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

DanF said:


> Yes. You can fall back in love. My wife and I did.


Us too!


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks for all the hopeful responses.  Can anyone elaborate.. tell me how long it took for your spouse to fall back in love with you, whether it was more helpful to give them space or to meet their needs?

Thanks!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, it was doing the 180 for myself, but meeting the needs of my husband that I had neglected. In about 2 months, he accepted the change and began to meet my needs.

I also got into independent therapy.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Good discussion about the wayward falling back in love. I'm struggling with the sudden 180 from wanting a divorce, to confronting my wayward about her affair, to the all-of-a-sudden "I'm in love with you and only you!"... as things have come out and all of the things that led up to it, I'm struggling with a core realization that I don't love my wife anywhere near as much as I used to and from time to time can't stand being around her. 

I can't seem to find any threads though about As killing love. My wife fell out of love with me and into love with someone else. But for me, it was the day after day of struggling to be a single parent while dealing with typical fogged behavior. Love dies a little each time and when it all finally came to light, well who knows if it's all out yet, I just don't have all that much left. 

I believe it can work out for other people though. Unconditional love... I'm not a big believer in that. We all fall in love with people we are conditionally matched with and behaviors we can understand conditionally. Children get unconditional love. Spouses, no.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Checkout the marriagebuilders site. It claims that romantic love can be rekindled using the owner's method.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Tover26 said:


> Unconditional love... I'm not a big believer in that. We all fall in love with people we are conditionally matched with and behaviors we can understand conditionally. Children get unconditional love. Spouses, no.


:iagree:


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