# I don’t want a proposal anymore



## Joanne6463 (4 mo ago)

Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone. 

Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying. 
I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.

Do you think I should speak to him about this? If so how do I do this without him thinking I’m just trying to pressure him (which I have never ever done)? Is this completely irrational? Is there anything I can do to shake the feeling or to get excited about it all again?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If you want to wait for who knows how long stay. If not I’d put a time frame out there and if he’s not ready move on. How old are you?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Are you willing to stay without being married because you want to or because you've already invested so much time and effort into this relationship and you are afraid of being alone if you break it off? You don't have to answer, but I think you should really think about that. There's a bit of sunk costs in this relationship, but if every time you see/hear about marriage you get weepy and there is already resentment building... I don't know if that is going to get better if you stay.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Joanne6463 said:


> Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.
> 
> Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
> I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.
> ...


This is your life and your future as well, you can and should talk to him about where he sees this going. I would ask him why he hasn't proposed yet. There is a reason, either with him or with you.

Maybe he has a fear of commitment, maybe his parent's marriage wasn't great, maybe he doesn't feel ready for kids or doesn't want them at all, maybe he wants to be in a better place financially, maybe he feels too young, maybe he isn't sure where you stand on it, etc.

I have a friend who has been dating a woman for like 10 years and they have three "unplanned" kids, but they aren't married or engaged "yet". I asked him why recently and he said he doesn't want to propose until she finishes college. Weird to me but that's his reason.

So, talk to him. That conversation may help you feel better, or show you that it's time to end this.

And no, I don't think the way you are feeling is irrational. That friend mentioned above, his GF said the same thing about feeling sad at every proposal post and that she didn't even want one, until they talked about why it hadn't happened yet.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He sounds like a ****ing asshole. He’s not committed to you, it’s that simple.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Why not ask him to marry you?


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## Joanne6463 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why not ask him to marry you?


He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me to do it


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Joanne6463 said:


> Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.
> 
> Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
> I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.
> ...


I am reminded of a song, the Sound of Silence.
The words I recall are "Silence like a cancer grows"

You owe it to your emotional well-being to have the conversation with him. Get it off your chest. There is a very real possibility that this issue could continue to build and blow up at some point in the future.

Talk to him.
Just be open and honest and reassure him you're not trying to manipulate him, but the conversation must happen.

My 2 cents.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are obviously no guarantees in life. It’s your life too so bring it up if it’s bothering you but don’t be surprised if he considers that to be pressuring him. Sometimes you have to take the risk.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If this guy wanted to marry you he'd be pursuing it. 

You have a power imbalances because your practically begging for it and he holds the power.

Think about how much more time you want to waste with this guy if marriage is important. And fyi....don't be surprised if he all of a sudden starts talking marriage once you dump him. Don't be drawn in...happy marriages don't start as a reaction to bring dumped.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old is your boyfriend?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> If this guy wanted to marry you he'd be pursuing it.
> 
> You have a power imbalances because your practically begging for it and he holds the power.
> 
> Think about how much more time you want to waste with this guy if marriage is important. And fyi....don't be surprised if he all of a sudden starts talking marriage once you dump him. Don't be drawn in...happy marriages don't start as a reaction to bring dumped.


Not all men want to get married in their early 20s.

I'd like to see their ages. They have been together awhile but it sounds like they started dating as perhaps teenagers.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So I started dating my wife at 21. I proposed to her when I was 26. She was acting the same way you are.

After I had ordered the ring, which took about 4 months to get after ordering, her good friend got engaged.

My girlfriend had a meltdown, everyone is getting engaged etc. I just had to take it, since I couldn't say anything or blow the surprise.

I think it really depends on how old you are. There was no chance I was getting married before 25... so maybe it is coming.

It seems odd that you want it so badly, yet then say you would say no. You realize that would likely be the end of relationship if you did that right?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Something about not buying the cow when you’re getting the milk for free comes to mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a choice. Hopium won’t get you a thing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Not all men want to get married in their early 20s.
> 
> I'd like to see their ages. They have been together awhile but it sounds like they started dating as perhaps teenagers.


Yes, the ages would be helpful.

But either way if this is something she wants he may not be a good match for her.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Dated my husband ; years before he bought a ring. 6 seems pretty long. Do you both have decent careers?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

If you are youger...so what.

If you are older (I don't know, 30s maybe?), then dump his ass - it's not cool that he seems to be leading you on. If he wasn't ready he should have told you, and kept telling you every time you brought it up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If a guy hadn't asked me after 2 years I would be gone. 6 1/2 years is a very long time for him to faf around wondering if he wants to make that commitment. Plus once you are engaged how much longer is the marriage going to be? Another 6 1/2 years?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SCDad01 said:


> Something about not buying the cow when you’re getting the milk for free comes to mind.


Absolutely. Thats why I would never move in with a guy unless he had committed first.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Common sense indicates that if you haven't got a proposal in 6 1/2 years, you probably will never get one.
Best to start sorting your affairs, start plans to detach from him and move on.
Perhaps if he sees this happening, he may become more motivated.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with the others and probably best to take a break, and get some space. He’s either the world’s best procrastinator or he’s just not interested in marrying you, but loves you and loves having you as a gf.

The latter isn't the same as wanting to marry you but he may enjoy being with you, having sex, and doing things that appear like he wants to have a lifelong commitment with you. But, if he knows you want marriage, and he doesn't...he should tell you and just not drag it out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why not ask him to marry you?





Joanne6463 said:


> He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me to do it


So, he wants to control the _what_ and the _where_, but never the _when_?

He wants to be the '_male of the hour_, the only chooser?

Your opinion, your needs, your voice does not count?

This man is a vassal, a user.
He is vacillating. Why?

He is using you, abusing you.
If you were 't_he one_', _someone special,_ he would have locked you down, much earlier.

Oops, he has locked you down, he is keeping you on a choke collar, with you being in limbo.

He needs to poop an engagement ring and a wedding date, or get off the pot.

You need to give him verbal EXLAX.

That will get his inner fool moving.

If not, he will be you EX, and you can now relax and find a worthy man.

Tell him that you have waited long enough, and that you want to be married within a year.
No more lame excuses.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock is now running.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you should break up with him and date other people. That will restore the balance of power if nothing else and you might just meet somebody who's the right person.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I agree with the others and probably best to take a break, and get some space. He’s either the world’s best procrastinator or he’s just not interested in marrying you, but loves you and loves having you as a gf.
> 
> The latter isn't the same as wanting to marry you but he may enjoy being with you, having sex, and doing things that appear like he wants to have a lifelong commitment with you. But, if he knows you want marriage, and he doesn't...he should tell you and just not drag it out.


Sure, this makes sense.

This is where the compatibility factor comes in.
She has let him know on more that one occasion that she wants to get married.

He knows this, but will not commit.

He is willing to string her along, knowing it bothers her, but will not give her what she wants, or let her go.

......................................................

Many men have heard the horror stories of getting married and the difficulties, and expenses in getting divorced.
Men are now gun shy.

It has gotten better.

_The new divorce laws in the UK permit filing for divorce online.
The at-fault laws have been eliminated.
You can get divorced for any reason, though there is a waiting period (five months?)
I am sure it still remains contentious, if both retain legal counsel._


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Sure, this makes sense.
> 
> This is where the compatibility factor comes in.
> She has let him know on more that one occasion that she wants to get married.
> ...


That’s true. I don’t really blame him other than to say he may have known for a while that he wasn’t interested but strung her along. But at some point, we are only responsible for ourselves and you have to accept reality for what it is. At this point, his words are hollow, or they should be considered that to the OP.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Joanne6463 said:


> Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.
> 
> Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
> I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.
> ...


I know this feeling. It sucks.

I only married bc i issued an ultimatum as when i tried to talk about marriage he would always cut the conversation with a "we are already married" bc we lived together.

The heartbreak and the resentment bc of it is soul destroying.

It went mpstly away, but still feel it from time to time.

I would NEVER advise any woman to play the "Waiting Game". If i could turn back time i would have issued an ultimatum earlier before the heartbreak feeling grew so much or ibwould just break up and find a guy who truly loved me (i dont know if it was the resentmwnt, but many times i get myself doubting my husband loves me).

This type of men wanna wait until THEY feel emotionally ready to marry (otherwise they will resent the woman for "forcing" them to marry) and they forget that the women too have a timeframe when SHE is ready to marry and then when the woman feel all this resentment and build bc of all the rejection these type of men get all pikachu face 😲


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd say no ultimatums, as well. I don't know if they really work long-term.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Joanne6463 said:


> Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.
> 
> Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
> I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.
> ...


I fotgot to mention i know 2 cases where men strung the women too long to propose and when they finally did the resentment was so much both women said no when the proposal finally came and days after broke up with them.for good.

One of the women married a divorced loser with 2 kids, simply bc he liked her enough to marry her and her ex regrets taking long to propose until this day. He now understands what happened. At first he thought she was the one who strung him along until the friends explained that she build resentment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

moon7 said:


> I know this feeling. It sucks.
> 
> I only married bc i issued an ultimatum as when i tried to talk about marriage he would always cut the conversation with a "we are already married" bc we lived together.
> 
> ...


These men want an 'easy out', if the union army goes south.

They have been together 6 -1/2 years. He knows everything about her.
Any doubt, has long passed.

He needs to be _truly_ honest with her.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> These men want an 'easy out', if the union army goes south.
> 
> They have been together 6 -1/2 years. He knows everything about her.
> Any doubt, has long passed.
> ...


He is waiting for something better. If the "something better" doesnt appear he has her so he wont be a loser alone.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep. He’s comfortable but doesn’t value you enough to marry. Sure if you try to break up them all of a sudden he’ll be ready to commit.

It’s a tough place to be. But I lean in the side of just do the hard thing break up and find someone who values you. 

Never again wait more than 2 years. You don’t have time for boys who are at the stage of good enough but not valued.

You could propose, I don’t care that he said he didn’t want that. He also said he was on board with you. But you’ll most likely always have this resentment and he may feel like you trapped him. Even if things go well you’ll have doubts and never feel good enough. It will impact you and him.

Bottom line. You deserve someone who is head over heels for you and not afraid to show it. Someone who treasures you and is ready and wanting to commit. If that was your boyfriend, he’d have already proposed.

I know it’s hard. I broke up with my ‘fiancé’ after 2 years and didn’t feel his enthusiasm. He begged and said things would be different. In the end it was the best thing I ever did. I met and married my husband of 29 years shortly after and have never felt like he didn’t enthusiastically want to be here. BTW I proposed to my hubby 😊


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Never again wait more than 2 years.


Great, great, great advice to most cases!!!


*__*

I wanna add that when a woman in this situation breaks up its normal for the man to start telling everybody near them that he was about to propose, that he had bought the ring and everything.

Its a lie to get revenge against said woman bc she had the audacity of leaving. Just more manipulation.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Never again wait more than 2 years. You don’t have time for boys who are at the stage of good enough but not valued.


If a man wants to marry you, he knows pretty soon and he asks. If a man doesn't want to marry you, he also knows that pretty soon and says things like, "Oh soon" and "look, do you like this ring" to string you along. I'm sorry, it's hard to hear, but the OP is Plan B. He will break up with her to "see other people" as soon as he meets the right girl and will be engaged within a few months. It's not that he doesn't want to marry, it's that he doesn't want to marry you. I'm so sorry to be so blunt, but you're burning daylight with this guy. Don't waste another precious second of your life on someone who doesn't value you.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

6 1/2 years is a long time to be dating whether you started at 19 or 29. At this point I do t see a good chance for a good outcome because if he doesn’t propose you won’t be happy (with him) and if he does propose, you’ll always wonder if he only did it to please you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and OP I read that you love him and are ‘okay’ without a proposal. But do you really want to be a single parent?

Have you given up wanting kids?

You want kids out of wedlock? If you even contemplate that get in writing what support he’s going to provide through university. 

Again I wouldn’t do it but if you contemplate it. Make sure you get everything in writing. If you do the stay at home mom get a salary that you can put up for pension. If you buy a home figure out whose names will be on it and if you are building equity.

Talk about whose last name will be in the birth certificate. 

Often times by 6 years it turns out they get married after the second child. Then divorce about 3-5 years after that.

You should really consider do you actually love and want to be with a liar. You brought it up early. He was on the same page. You brought it up 3 years in he told you not to worry it would in the works. He’s a liar and further doesn’t seem to respect you. Is that who you want for the rest of your life? 

You really want someone who doesn’t value you and lies to you? I don’t care if he’s the best thing since sliced bread. You deserve someone who wouldn’t leave you with these feelings of resentment when he knew the expectations early and said he agreed.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If a man wants to marry you, he knows pretty soon and he asks. If a man doesn't want to marry you, he also knows that pretty soon and says things like, "Oh soon" and "look, do you like this ring" to string you along. I'm sorry, it's hard to hear, but the OP is Plan B. He will break up with her to "see other people" as soon as he meets the right girl and will be engaged within a few months. It's not that he doesn't want to marry, it's that he doesn't want to marry you. I'm so sorry to be so blunt, but you're burning daylight with this guy. Don't waste another precious second of your life on someone who doesn't value you.


Dont forget when men give women a "shut up ring" as a proposal with zero intention of setting a date, he only PLANS to gain more time, to string her along more.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

moon7 said:


> Dont forget when men give women a "shut up ring" as a proposal with zero intention of setting a date, he only PLANS to gain more time, to string her along more.


I feel like she needs to be done with this guy. He's using her and she deserves better.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

moon7 said:


> Dont forget when men give women a "shut up ring" as a proposal with zero intention of setting a date, he only PLANS to gain more time, to string her along more.


Yes! No date or 3 more years out.

It’s really a lose lose at this point.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

We call this a "rear view mirror" guy. He's just in the way of her meeting the man who will really love and appreciate her. To the curb with him! 😎


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I wanted to wife my wife within 8 months. This guy has had ample opportunity. As the song goes, “if you like it you better put a ring on it”.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I supposed to be fair we ought to be asking about the financial condition. I mean can he even afford a ring? Will she be content with a married certificate or will she not be happy until she has a big expensive wedding and big expensive honeymoon? Could that be why he has to put it off because he can't afford all that as most young people can't. So just asking that question.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I supposed to be fair we ought to be asking about the financial condition. I mean can he even afford a ring? Will she be content with a married certificate or will she not be happy until she has a big expensive wedding and big expensive honeymoon? Could that be why he has to put it off because he can't afford all that as most young people can't. So just asking that question.


That would be assuming she cared. It's just as easy to be married and poor as single and poor. In reality it's easier to be married and poor because you are sharing expenses.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> That would be assuming she cared. It's just as easy to be married and poor as single and poor. In reality it's easier to be married and poor because you are sharing expenses.


At the very least you're eating ramen sitting in lawn chairs _together_. 😉 😎

I would think if the issue were money, they'd have had different discussions around it. She would be getting a totally different vibe. What I'm reading makes me think he's stringing her along. Like CCP said, if a man wants to marry you, you know it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

moon7 said:


> I only married bc i issued an ultimatum


Nope. Never do that. Not a good idea. Essentially "marry me or else", nope. 

OP, if he's not done it - and he knows you want him to - after 6 years, he's not going to. I would have walked 4 years ago. I honestly think that you should pack up and go, when he asks why simply tell him "because I want to be married, you clearly don't, so I'm out". 

He'll chase, tell you he is planning it, maybe bought a ring. It's all BS.


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## Joanne6463 (4 mo ago)

Hi guys, I appreciate all the opinions and I have a lot to think about. Just to clear up a few things. 1) we were together when I was 19 and he was 20 (now mid 20s). 2) we are financially stable, both in good careers. 3) we do have really good communication and can speak about anything normally… I just do not know how to communicate this issue and I’m terrified it will change everything 4) I will not give an ultimatum, if I leave, I will just leave. I could not bring myself to marry somebody because they were forced in to it


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My daughter and her boyfriend of nine years just got engaged. Guess what? It's very anticlimactic at this point. In my mind an engagement and marriage are stepping stones in building a committed lifetime relationship and delaying it for years kind of stalls things out.

The fact that you are voicing "not wanting a proposal" kind of sets the tone of your relationship. Momentum has stalled, I have to think getting married today wouldn't change how you feel.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Joanne6463 said:


> He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me to do it


 then you have your response he does not want to get married or see you as not worth the risk


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Cooper said:


> My daughter and her boyfriend of nine years just got engaged. Guess what? It's very anticlimactic at this point. In my mind an engagement and marriage are stepping stones in building a committed lifetime relationship and delaying it for years kind of stalls things out.
> 
> The fact that you are voicing "not wanting a proposal" kind of sets the tone of your relationship. Momentum has stalled, I have to think getting married today wouldn't change how you feel.


I agree about the anti climactic part. My daughter and her boyfriend of 5 years just got engaged. They bought a house and moved in together last year. Everyone made a big deal of the engagement and I just couldn't get excited about it. Same with the wedding plans going on now. It's like what's the point you already live together! Just go get it made legal and skip all the other stuff.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Nope. Never do that. Not a good idea. Essentially "marry me or else", nope.
> 
> OP, if he's not done it - and he knows you want him to - after 6 years, he's not going to. I would have walked 4 years ago. I honestly think that you should pack up and go, when he asks why simply tell him "because I want to be married, you clearly don't, so I'm out".
> 
> He'll chase, tell you he is planning it, maybe bought a ring. It's all BS.


They started dating at 19. So you would have walked at age 21 if you didn't get a proposal? That's pretty unrealistic. Not a lot of men want to get married at 21 or 22.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Always Learning said:


> I agree about the anti climactic part. My daughter and her boyfriend of 5 years just got engaged. They bought a house and moved in together last year. Everyone made a big deal of the engagement and I just couldn't get excited about it. Same with the wedding plans going on now. It's like what's the point you already live together! Just go get it made legal and skip all the other stuff.


Same with my daughter, they have lived together for eight years and bought their own house four years ago. When I bring up a wedding with my daughter she kind of shrugs it off as no big deal, nothing she's really concerned about. Oddly enough her fiance is the one who suddenly wants to have a typical wedding.

Seeing how my daughter has reacted to a delayed engagement makes me understand how the OP feels. People get comfortable and when that dynamic suddenly changes it can be upsetting.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Joanne6463 said:


> Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.
> 
> Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
> I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.
> ...


I think your age is important. My wife and I started dating in high school. So we dated for 10 years before getting married, we wanted to be financially stable, ready to buy a house etc. We then wanted until we were financially well off to have kids so we had our first around 30. 
So being mid 20s I think now is when you should be expecting a proposal. I think you need to let go of the resentment but have a real talk about a timeline. Not giving an ultimatum but an open discussion. Waiting until you're at the point you are now statistically puts you in a category having a higher likelihood of a successful marriage. 
If he is evasive in the discussion or if you get the feeling he is stalling you may need to give a lot of thought if you want to stay in this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> They started dating at 19. So you would have walked at age 21 if you didn't get a proposal? That's pretty unrealistic. Not a lot of men want to get married at 21 or 22.


I think that’s too young for anyone, IMHO. I think everyone needs to experience life and support themselves for a while first. IMO, there are only a couple of hard and fast “rules” that apply universally to everyone.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> My wife moved to the US from another country when we initially started dating the said she intended to return to her home country some day. We just kept dating and she never returned home.
> 
> She never asked about getting married, never really even hinted at it, I think in her culture women don't do that.
> 
> ...



Nah, no need to explain me, man. People have their own life goals and theyre entitled to them. Like i said, you can only know if you ask her AND only if she is open enough to answer such a thing.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

do you live together?


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## Joanne6463 (4 mo ago)

So far so good said:


> do you live together?


Yes, we have done for a few years


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Joanne6463 said:


> Yes, we have done for a few years


Had he lived separately from you, I would have wondered about whether you’re the only one in his life, hence not wanting to marry.

I agree that you can’t force him into a marriage. People are different.My best friend has been with a woman 10+ years and they are happy like that. You, on the other hand, want to marry and have children so it sounds like he’s not the right mate for you.

Your choice is to either stay with him, not married, or part ways (amicably).

Good luck


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Well miss, as you can see....there are no wrong or right answers. No miracle wand to figure it out. It's something he and you gotta figure out. You can put all the pros and cons on the table all day, but come evening time it's your call. Continue on or talk about it with him. He hasn't asked for a reason. Maybe he has said it but you didn't catch it, maybe he hasn't. If he IS someone you'd want to spend your life with as your partner, then talk to him, let go the resentment and talk. It won't get better for you unless you talk and know in your heart what it all means and what future you have together.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

I don't think telling him that you want to be a married woman by this time next year (or whatever time frame you choose) or you should call it quits would be an ultimatum IF you don't hold resentment over it. It would be a reasonable boundary considering how long you've waited.

Do what you must to get over the resentment, and then set your time limit for YOU. If he wants to keep you in his life, he'll have to ask himself some hard questions and make a decision. His decision. You won't be forcing him into anything if there is no resentment tied to it, just facts - you're married or you look elsewhere for a husband and kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:- *Please curb your enthusiasm for threadjacking. Thank you.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Do you want him, or do you just want the ring, wedding, title, and children? Just the aesthetics??




Do you just want to do what "everyone" else is doing to "fit" in society??



Perhaps he doesn't want to marry you or think that you're the right person for him, despite him saying that he does.


Do you know if he is seeing other people??


It is very cruel of him to dangle the possibilities in front of your face and yank it away.. it's like he gets enjoyment out of it.


If he purposes, would you feel that he genuinely wanted to do it, or only would do it to "shut you up"??


Since marriage is important to you, I feel like you shouldn't have moved in together until you were.

Since you moved in together already, he probably doesn't feel the need to marry you.

You're a girlfriend/"wife"


He may have told you all of those things in the beginning as "game" to get you. He may not have meant alot of what he said.


I feel like you should just end things...

Something is "off" with this relationship, him, and with the both of you.


I feel like you only want the titles and not anything else. You feel pressured to be a wife and a mother by society and you just want to fit in with the "in crowd". You want to brag. You want the wedding, not the husband.


Are you with him because you have low self esteem and are lonely??

It seems like he doesn't really treat you well.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is one reason I am so against living like a married couple before a marriage/engagement. Why should a guy buy the cow if he gets the milk for free? Why should a guy marry a girl if they are already living together like a married couple? He is getting all the benefits without any cost.

If neither of the two want a marriage, that is their choice. If one does, then they shouldn’t start living like a married couple until it happens.

Sorry he turned around and broke your heart. Yours is not the first I have read about a long term girlfriend waiting for a proposal that never happened.

Is he so blind to your feelings that he thought it was ok to just casually mention the engagement rings? What an ass.


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