# The Only Difference Between an EA and a PA is...



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I just had an interesting thought in replying to another thread...

... is the critical difference between an Emotional Affair and a Physical Affair, the seduction skills and ability to "close the deal" of the male half of the cheating couple?

Or put another way...

Jane is a bored and lonely SAHM, she meets Timid Timmy, and they bond over coffee and Facebook. Over months the emotional bonds grow and grow and she can hardly stop thinking about him and realizes she loves him. There's multiple opprotunities where Timmy could put the moves on her, but he's always just a little off on the timing. The EA continues, but nothing happens. There was the one time he asked her as she was getting in the car "if she had ever thought of getting a hotel room". Jane said she could never do that to her husband, and things cooled a little after that.

Jane is a bored and lonely SAHM, she meets Escalating Eric, and they bond over coffee and Facebook. Over months the emotional bonds grow and grow and she can hardly stop thinking about him and realizes she loves him. Eric is quite flirty with her and touches her arm and shoulders a lot. It's nice. One time at lunch he simply held his hand out across the table to her, and she just surprised herself a little by slipping her hand into his. It was electric. He kissed her goodbye at the end of the lunch. The next lunch date was the same, but as he left he told her next week he had booked at a resturant in a nice hotel. When she asked why, he said because he wanted it to be special, unforgettable, _like her_.

I am still thinking through the ramifications of this, but I believe there is an element of truth to my theory. Your input is requested.

Thanks.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think the ability to close the deal can lie with either party. After seeing the text messages from the H's OW, she had absolutely no qualms about what she was doing. He even told her no 4 times, she still kept at it and she got what she wanted. I think that sometimes men don't know how meticulous and calculating women can be.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with DawnD, when I found out about my husband's affair, the OW's husband told me that his wife always thought she should have better and that he thought my husband might be her ticket to that life. Maybe just him talking but he is a well established man, she was not well off......she did lie to my husband about sleeping with her husband as well while they were having an affair, my husband was pissed about that.....not sure why he thinks she would be honest...
But I also think he was willing to close the deal, if both parties are willing even for different reasons that I think it can happen.
I think the people in your first scenario know that commitment to a marriage over rules any feelings between friends that shouldn't happen....it just takes one person to stop it from happening.
but it takes the two of them to make the decison to have an EA or PA.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. I'm thinking more about this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Atholk said:


> ... is the critical difference between an Emotional Affair and a Physical Affair, the seduction skills and ability to "close the deal" of the male half of the cheating couple?


You assume the male must "close the deal" but in reality we know that the male is not always the aggressor. Secondly an EA doesn't need to be a two way street. One member can be very in love with the other party and that party only look at it as a friendship. Finally you assume there is physical contact between them and that is not necessarily the case. That was not the case in my wife's EA, they never met. Would it have happened somewhere down the road had I not intervened? Probably.

I think that what keeps an EA from developing into a PA is that most involved in one don't recognize it for what it really is. This makes the relationship particularly dangerous and easy to fall into. They look at it as a friendship, a safe haven or an outlet. They don't consider it "cheating". They've not engaged in sex so it is OK. However a PA is cheating no matter how one tries to rationalize it. What more likely keeps a EA from passing on to a PA is that sexual intimacy is the boundary where many will stop. Some for moral or religious reasons and some because if they see that as the next step in the relationship then they realize that this is not just a friendship. Reality check!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good point. I would venture to guess no matter who initiates the first physical contact, once it crosses that line it is only a matter of time before it becomes a full sexual affair if it doesn't end fairly soon (within weeks?) of the first physcial encounter.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I don't think it's always the man that's the agressor. In my H's case, he was not. The PA was not planned by either my H or the OW. She was a friend, I spoke to her everyday, she watched our child so either my H or myself was at her house several times a week. 

But in their case, our marriage wasn't good. My H would talk with her when he was there. Tell her his problems, feelings, asking her why I wasn't attracted to him, what he was doing wrong, etc. So, although he didn't know it, she was eating that up. She could tell him how attractive he was, blah blah blah. My H didn't initate the PA, she did. (understand she was married also and their marriage was "fine" for all intents and purposes.) He told me one day when he was there she walked up and kissed him. He was completely taken off guard and left. Later they talked and starting kissing more. I think she convinced him to proceed and he admits, we had grown apart so much there was nothing on here so the physical part was just he was craving. I guess the PA stayed fairly innocent for a while before we moved to the full fledge PA and that kind of just happened. 

So, I guess what I am saying is it's not always the man who is the agressor. I met with the OW and talked with her a few weeks ago. HER reason for it was she saw her friend (my H) hurting, wanted to take all his pain/suffering and make it hers so he wasn't hurting anymore. She was providing what he needed. She didn't love my H. My H was just getting elsewhere what he wasn't at home. He didn't love her.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Atholk...I always love your posts. They have a touch of reality wrapped around some kind of humor. But just as everyone else has said, the sex of the aggressor does not matter. What it depends on is where the aggressee is emotionally. If I am not ready to be physically involved....no matter what smooth words Escalating Eric says, hes not getting any!!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Someone else here once posted that an EA is a PA unproven.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Atholk said:


> I just had an interesting thought in replying to another thread...


I think you're on to something.... My wife had a PA and a EA. Both your examples are almost identical to my wife's story.
The PA: Lunches, coffee, etc. One day after a lunch and she was getting in the car, he reached out and just kissed her. It left her shocked, but also excited.... I haven't heard yet how it went from a kiss to going to his apartment, but do know he took nibbles at our marriage to convince her things were just awful. Supposedly it ended because she realized that he was just using her as a booty call, he was manipulating her, and there really wasn't anything else there beyond his own satisfaction. She was played.

The EA. Old boyfriend, she runs across his number from a friend on facebook. They talk about old times, and the relationship develops. I've spied some of his emails to her; he beats around the bush.. "Do you ever think of me?" "I've always wondered what it'd be like if we kept together..." etc. But as far as she's told me, he's never made the move. The way I see it, he just hasn't had the courage to close the deal. Just guessing, but I don't think she'd turn it down (but she'd never admit this to me).


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm trying to stay in "move forward" mode. But from what I could tell, my wife was likely leading these guys on in order to keep their attention. I'm not sure if she would have let them "seal the deal" - but I think she gave them the idea that it was possible in order to keep their attention.

This is just my gut talking. Maybe if one of these guys had been more of a Casanova I'd be telling a different story.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Thanks for further comments.


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