# Room sharing



## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

My ex has moved his girlfriend and her child in with him. Originally he told my kids that the girlfriend and her son would be sharing a room in the finished basement ( he told the kids she was his special friend) but has now told them that she will be sharing a room and bed with him.

My issue with this is that my youngest daughter has her bed in his room, as he had promised all the other kids each a room of their own. I am not really comfortable with my youngest daughter continuing to share a room with her dad now that the girlfriend has moved in. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell my ex that I want my daughter to be moved out of his bedroom?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Absolutely not. I'm surprised that's not written up in your divorce agreement as it's standard language in many shared custody agreements. Ask nicely. If he does not comply, contact your attorney and see what options you have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your daughter is an infant it might not be a huge deal but if she's at least a toddler, I'd think having her in the same room while dad has sex with another woman could be confusing and maybe a little traumatic. I'd have a problem with it. I really don't like the idea of recently divorced people introducing third parties to their kids until marriage is basically invevitable. Kids need stability and security. Having adult quasi-parents move in and out of their lives screws with their heads. What happens when your daughter develops a brother-sister attachment to her little boy and things don't work out for the woman and your ex? Is he teaching his daughter that relationships are expendable?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Thank you for the responses so far. 

My youngest daughter is 3 1/2 years old and very often wakes up at least once during the night. I'm fairly sure he has given little thought to how moving his girlfriend and her kid into the house effects any of the children. Just after the split last year he was planning to move her straight in but it was delayed as she did not recieve the grant funding which would permit a move. At the time I suggested moving her in within weeks of the seperation would not be in the childrens best interests and his reponse was that 'children adjust quickly and would want to see him happy.' 

She is European and the children have not been given much of an opportunity to get to know either her or her child before having them moved into what is supposed to be their other home. As they are only there every other weekend and on every other Tuesday for a 4 hour hour period, it's already hard for them to relly think of it as their other home, and now they are more like guests in some ways, as he has a full time family living there. As my lawyer says though, let him dig his own hole as far as his relationship with the kids are concerned.

I am rather dumbfounded that his girlfriend ( as a mother herself) has not been a little more sensitive and slow moving about the situation for the sake of all the children involved and also a bit concerned over how quickly she seems to want to be establishing herself as a "mommy " type figure to my kids.

But my most pressing concern is having my youngest daughter moved out of his bedroom at this time and continuing to be a supportive parent myself. I wouldn't think it appropriate for my daughter to be sharing a room if her father and I were still together, so I can't possibly accept her sharing a room with her dad and his girlfriend.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It is absolutely reasonable for you to tell him to move your daughter out of the room. As someone else said, I'm surprised it's not in your divorce agreement as some type of stipulation as to introducing the kids to new romantic partners or having "overnight guests". I would talk to your lawyer definitely. Especially at the age she is at, it could be very confusing for her if she were to wake up and see something. Not to mention that I think, technically speaking, that could possibly qualify as some form of abuse. I would look into that, and not threaten him with it, but point it out to him and see if that changes his mind. Maybe, if you find where it does qualify as a form of abuse, tell him, "Listen, I know you're not intending to harm her, but according to X law, having her in the room where you are having sex with NoName could be considered abuse. I don't want you to get in trouble, and I don't want either of us to have to try to explain to the kids why you got in trouble. Could you please move TheBaby to another room so we can make sure that doesn't happen?" If that doesn't work, then you get the lawyer to go after him with everything you've got.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Digging his own hole as far as his relationship with the kids plays well into your hands legally but it's still damaging to your kids. I hate to hear it. He may think kids adjust well but shrinks do a thriving business because adults were screwed up as kids. Apparently kids aren't quite as resilient as some people like to imagine. The world is full of screwy people and they didn't make themselves that way.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The woman is European and may have different ways than we do here in the states. But she's not your concern or business, your children are. Let your husband know that sleeping your daughter in the same room as his "marital bed" with this woman, or any other woman is not going to be accepted. Contact your attorney, have him draft and send a letter stating the same and see about what other options you have.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

I agree about it all being damaging to the kids. My son and eldest daughter have expressed some concerns over her child living in 'their' house. My eldest daughter has said to me that she thinks this woman is going to be her new step mom - a concept which worries her, as her dad has told her how bad his own step mother was to him when he was a child. Both of the older children have already been in therapy due to suicidal thoughts but have stopped going - their dad expressed his opinion to them that therapy is all very "Californian" and not very " British stiff upper lipped" 

My eldest daughter has a lot of self confidence issues and worries a lot about disappointing her dad. She has also displayed some early warning signs for developing an eating disorder.

Her brother ( the oldest child) has basically resigned himself to being the one who doesn't live up to expectations. He has alot of pent up anger and hostility issues. 

My 6 year old is very prone to tearful outbursts and seems very emotionally sensitive. She doesn't seem to quite understand what seperation means and says I still have a husband, even though I have had a place of my own for over a year now. 

Technically speaking, I suppose she's right - we are seprated, but not officially divorced yet ( I can definitely say I do not want a reconciliation - much happier now. )

The 3 1/2 year old seems to have adjusted fairly well to the idea of 2 homes. I just don't want her room sharing with consenting adults.


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