# Sex Life is Back - She Really Just Didn't Get It?



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So I actually have a sex life with the wife again after years of nothing going bump in the night. Funny the way this happened.

We had been working on things. We had been going to the MC who mostly said be patient. As homework from the MC we were going to "the talk" yet again about our sex life, and I could already see wifey shutting down in anticipation of it. 

In the past, I had more or less forced her to talk about increasing our sex life and she had sometimes grudgingly said ok, but then came up with excuse after excuse until things went back to nada. Or she would just get all fitness-test angry to end the talk.

So before we did the homework, I asked her to read the sex chapter in "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and lie in bed with me and listen to "Mar & Venus in the Bedroom" on tape.

Anyway, after doing those things we had "the talk" (again) and there was no tension. She just smiles and says all those years, she just didn't understand what sex means to me and she just thought I was being a big cry baby about it. And of course, she loves me and wants me to be happy in our marriage so of course we'll start having regular sex.

Funny it just had to happen in a way she that she could understand. Lotta miserable years wasted but anyway... :smthumbup:


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Drover said:


> So I actually have a sex life with the wife again after years of nothing going bump in the night. Funny the way this happened.
> 
> We had been working on things. We had been going to the MC who mostly said be patient. As homework from the MC we were going to "the talk" yet again about our sex life, and I could already see wifey shutting down in anticipation of it.
> 
> ...


I'm very happy for you both!

Question - Is your wife LD?

and if so doesn't LD mean that she sometimes "desires" sex, ie, gets horny? Just trying to understand "drives." Thanks


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes, she's very LD.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I truly believe some women just do not fully understand how a man really, really feels!
This was a brilliant way to awaken her & let her natural desire unfold, without the pressure...I, myself, would have responded very favorably to the things you both did, (and I bet other women would too.)
Anyways, BIG congratulations on your new connection- that's awesome news!!!
Here's to a better & more connected love-life than ever before!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

..as a side-note- even if she is quite LD, she hopefully can & will desire sex because she yearns for you to feel her love for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I think it can be hard for LD spouses to understand the other connections with sex- emotional, mental, all that jazz. Because a lot of times LD spouses get their needs in those categories met in other ways, it's hard for them to see why their spouse needs sex to get there. 

Hopefully her enlightenment can result in action. Kudos for sticking it out, hopefully you can find her change in understanding as worth your past trial.


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

ok I give, what is LD and HD?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

low drive and high drive


----------



## sethbrawnl (Aug 22, 2012)

it's hard for them to see why their spouse needs sex to get there.


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

my drive is ridiculous sometimes. Is there a super high drive? I'll just sit there and imagine myself having sex with just about everyone who is even marginally attractive. Do you think it's because I'm at that age of the "sexual peak"?


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I think many women don't get this fact about their men.
Just like how men don't understand many of the issues their women talk about.

Good on you for sticking it out and working through this problem. 
I'm sure your post has inspired many TAM members!

I just love a happy ending


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Congrats! Great news to hear. Now, go make up for those "miserable years wasted."


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> I think it can be hard for LD spouses to understand the other connections with sex- emotional, mental, all that jazz. Because a lot of times LD spouses get their needs in those categories met in other ways, it's hard for them to see why their spouse needs sex to get there.
> 
> Hopefully her enlightenment can result in action. Kudos for sticking it out, hopefully you can find her change in understanding as worth your past trial.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Drover said:


> She just smiles and says all those years, she just didn't understand what sex means to me and she just thought I was being a big cry baby about it.


It's sad, and pathetic, that it's become socially acceptable for women to assume that a man's desire for sex is optional, and that if he wants it "too much", according to her standards, he's just a whiny crybaby.

It's like the typical male drive has become some sort of joke, with no punchline in sight.

I'm glad, for both of your sakes, that she got over this egregious way of thinking.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The true test of whether or not this has worked will be time. Sorry to sound like a cynic, but I dont think LD women ever really change unless they are in a new relationship. After the newness fades - no need to keep it up in their mind.


----------



## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

Drover said:


> So I actually have a sex life with the wife again after years of nothing going bump in the night. Funny the way this happened.
> 
> We had been working on things. We had been going to the MC who mostly said be patient. As homework from the MC we were going to "the talk" yet again about our sex life, and I could already see wifey shutting down in anticipation of it.
> 
> ...


Awesome outcome. Inspiring for many here I am sure.


----------



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Drover said:


> So I actually have a sex life with the wife again after years of nothing going bump in the night. Funny the way this happened.
> 
> We had been working on things. We had been going to the MC who mostly said be patient. As homework from the MC we were going to "the talk" yet again about our sex life, and I could already see wifey shutting down in anticipation of it.
> 
> ...


good for you :smthumbup: 

I bought the first book you mentioned and she perused a few times (maybe 15 minutes total through the course of a few months). Of course I read it cover to cover in less than a week. I know she doesn't "get it". She actually told me once, "I don't want you to be depressed when we don't do it, _don't feel like that_ - ok. I just don't do it more because excuse 1,2,3,4 etc. Its hopeless. 

I hope I'm writing something similar to this someday.....
Last night we had sex, but just when it would get good, something would distract her, by the third or fourth time, she told me _during_ intercourse how she was thinking about how our little one will ever go to sleep with the new daycare's sleeping schedule...... REALLY?!?!?!?!?! So of course she was totally out of the mood by this point. She tried to get aroused (again) but ended up giving up and I got a BJ in the bathroom. She tries, but in her own way, her rules her conditions etc. 

This attitude leaks in all aspects of our relationship. Date nights, anniversaries, etc. Its just some burden to her, something that adds stress to her life, when she's "holding down the fort" (I work alot of hours). 

*I miss the days when I was her world so much*  

I'm planning on reading MMSL, to see if that does anything if I apply those principals. I'm tired of feeling so ugly and alone. I'm sick of settling for her scraps.

But honestly I am happy for the OP, just to know that she cared enough to put your needs above her own like that. To *truly* make an effort. That's awesome.


----------



## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm glad for you I've tried so many times to explain to my wife its not just about the sex but the feelings that go with it, and the bad feelings that come without it. Its not an easy thing for a man to open up to a women and tell her you feel lonely ,unwanted,
not good enough and that the feelings hurt so much it makes you secretly cry while you lay next to your lover in the dark after the last turn down of the day. My wife just doesn't understand or chooses not to. I have tried so manny things to make our sex life work but some women just don't value sex that much or value a mans need for it. At the moment I am working on my last attempt
at making my sex life and marriage work this could help me out loads is this some kind of book or selfhelp thing?, please explain.
this could really help me out sometimes I feel she thinks I make this s##t up just to get my leg over.

I just need the name of this book or whatever it is ect.. I can google the rest.
hope all goes well for you its nice to hear a success story on this subject.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

snipey said:


> _Its not an easy thing for a man to open up to a women and tell her you feel lonely ,unwanted,
> not good enough and that the feelings hurt so much it makes you secretly cry while you lay next to your lover in the dark after the last turn down of the day. _


I can understand that it isn't easy, Snipey, but perhaps if more men did tell their wives this, they might realize how _emotionally _important sex is to them.

I often wonder if some women are getting the message from their spouses that sex is all about the big 'release,' rather than the emotional bonding they experienced in the earlier days of the relationship. 

I just find it odd to hear about so many women previously enjoying sex, then turning LD. I'm not blaming men or women - I'm just wondering if this whole lack of sex thing isn't one huge, horrible misunderstanding between the sexes.

Whatever the case, it's really great to hear that the OP's wife finally understands him.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sinnister said:


> The true test of whether or not this has worked will be time. Sorry to sound like a cynic, but I dont think LD women ever really change unless they are in a new relationship. After the newness fades - no need to keep it up in their mind.


I hear you. The thing is she wasn't always LD. She got that way after the kids. I've always believed that if we could just get back to it on a regular basis that her drive would return.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

effess said:


> This attitude leaks in all aspects of our relationship. Date nights, anniversaries, etc. Its just some burden to her, something that adds stress to her life, when she's "holding down the fort" (I work alot of hours).


This is the way she has looked at sex and affection too...like it's something to dread. There are other things she's that way about too. I pointed this out to her he other night. It's just an attitude change. These are things to enjoy, things to look forward to, things that should give pleasure and release. They're not burdens.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

The names are in my op. 

Yeah, I think this is how a lot of women look at it. Like sex and affection are something you're trying to TAKE from them. I think she finally understands that it's as much a need to SHARE with them and GIVE them love as to get love and affection.



snipey said:


> I'm glad for you I've tried so many times to explain to my wife its not just about the sex but the feelings that go with it, and the bad feelings that come without it. Its not an easy thing for a man to open up to a women and tell her you feel lonely ,unwanted,
> not good enough and that the feelings hurt so much it makes you secretly cry while you lay next to your lover in the dark after the last turn down of the day. My wife just doesn't understand or chooses not to. I have tried so manny things to make our sex life work but some women just don't value sex that much or value a mans need for it. At the moment I am working on my last attempt
> at making my sex life and marriage work this could help me out loads is this some kind of book or selfhelp thing?, please explain.
> this could really help me out sometimes *I feel she thinks I make this s##t up just to get my leg over*.
> ...


----------

