# How many times would you allow your man to go out at a bar..club?



## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

Hello,

Thank you for reading this. 

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable for thinking to leave him because of his habits? let me give you a story... my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and we have a 13 month old baby. I know from the very start that he loves to go to the casino and play poker all day long and nights. He has a regular job and he plays poker on the side. Every fridays, he would go out and play poker all night long and come home at 3-5am in the morning but the problem sometimes, he doesn't really poker during those times. 

He would go out with his single friends and act like a wingman to them, usually he would tell me that he is going out after playing poker but not anymore.. he would tell me he needs to find his friends a girl and the only thing he could do for them is to go with them and sometimes dance with some girls just to hit with the other girls for his friends. He said he will only do this once or twice a month. He went home one night with a red lipsticks on his sleeves, and he swears up and down he never talk to a girl and maybe it was mine lisptick and he assures me that he would never cheat on me and he cant never hurt me and our baby..if he ever cheat on me he would tell me straight and not hide it. But He would murmur sometimes that his life sucks in front of me, and when I get really upset..he would say he just need me to calm him down coz he feels self pity on himself. He has some vices that promise he would stop doing it, but still smoking it. He is already like this before but Gosh, the longer i stay with him, the more I realize this is not where I want to be.. 

I do not know, I can't do this forever and I wish his friends would find their own girls so they would stop asking him to go out with them. How many times does men go out and drinks at a club?

The only thing that stops me from leaving is that I still care about him and mostly our baby...but deep inside of me, i know what i want.. i want peace and don't worry about him anymore.. I told him one time he can be single again and Id leave, he said the baby is staying with him..and joint custody and stuff like that.. I can't change him and I have change to adjust for him.. I am feeling like a selfish woman but I know in my heart he was doing wrong or is it just me?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would never again stay with someone who thought it was okay to stay out all night. Your husband leads a single life. 

Gambling is a HORRIBLE addiction also. I watched my own father blow 100 grand a year on gambling. Once the money is no longer available, many people find ways to get that money no matter who it hurts or what the law is. My own father has taken money from us grown kids and his grandchildren. It's selfish and disgusting.

Honestly, I would of never married or dated someone with these habits my second time. I see what it does to the family and how it effects others. I've been in a very similar situation 19 years ago.

My ex h would roll in at 5-6am. Guess what? He was sleeping with other women.:/ I don't remember the lame excuses he use to use for being gone. I was just grateful I didn't pick up an unwanted STD. I highly suspect your husband is doing the same. Cheaters lie and lie!

Is this the life you want to live the rest of your life? You can't change his behaviors or make him become a better person. I thought my ex h would change. He never did, in fact his behavior worsened. I was glad I packed up our little baby and left while I did. I met a really good man who respects me as his wife. Only your husband can change for himself and he won't unless he sees this as a true problem.

Good luck.


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

Thank you, I just turned 30 and I have realization that I can't live a life like this.. we are not married, he haven't ask me to marry him either.. He is emotionally and verbally abusive sometimes and he wouldn't admit it. I am always the one who is crazy and make me look like a B to his friends. Thanks for sharing your story!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are SOOOOO being played. I've been a male over half a century. Given the choice between staying home with my sexual partner and embarking on some quest to find a girl for my male associates, I'm staying home and getting laid. Getting sex for myself is a higher priority for me than lining up sex for some other guy. Even if I were unusually devoted to some other male, I can't think of an honorable scenario that would compel me to dance with other women or end up with lipstick on my collar against my will. He sounds like just another player. Been together 2 years and y'all have a 13 month old baby. You got pregnant shortly after getting involved with him. Was it his choice that you get pregnant? The reason I ask is you are describing a guy who is leading two lives. He technically "is" a father and allegedly is in a committed relationship but he behaves as though he were single. It does sound as if he isn't 100% committed to the idea of being tied down to one woman, which begs the question, "why is he"? If he's in this relationship out of some sense of obligation because he impregnated you and not because that's where his heart is, that could explain a lot.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I hope you plan on getting out of the situation. It will not get better with time, it will only get worse. You deserve better.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm not hearing any specific evidence he has done anything wrong. A 30 yr old guy goes out 2 times a month is not that bad. I have seen plenty of people like this "come around"".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

angelishblue12 said:


> Thank you, I just turned 30 and I have realization that I can't live a life like this.. we are not married, he haven't ask me to marry him either.. He is emotionally and verbally abusive sometimes and he wouldn't admit it. I am always the one who is crazy and make me look like a B to his friends. Thanks for sharing your story!


You are very lucky your not married to him. I would not marry him either. My ex h was also abusive. It was bad, actually it was worse after we married.

I would pack up and leave. My ex h still tries to make me look like the bad guy. He abandoned his child at 14, and said I was the one who refused visitation. This wasn't true at all. As much as I wanted to, I could not stop visitation. It was very limited at best. My ex blamed me for everything including his cheating. He accused me of "setting him up" to make the first moves on having sex with other women. My ex h is extremely delusional. Then my ex h committed identity theft and other fraud against me.:/ It was bad. I learned my lesson. Plus my ex was diagnosed with BPD.

I'm so happy I left that situation. There are good men out there. I have proof of that with my husband. We've been married over 12 years now.


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

Thank you..Unbelievable, you are right. I am in school and I work full time, we haven't plan this pregnancy. We moved in together when we found out I was pregnant. Yes, he used to go out every weekend and stop doing that when we have our baby, but now his behavior is returning..I have so many fears but i just really have to do what is right... he is involved with some other vices but that too is returning... I know he is trying to be a good father too but also fighting his freedon as well inside of him..


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You are very lucky your not married to him. I would not marry him either. My ex h was also abusive. It was bad, actually it was worse after we married.
> 
> I would pack up and leave. My ex h still tries to make me look like the bad guy. He abandoned his child at 14, and said I was the one who refused visitation. This wasn't true at all. As much as I wanted to, I could not stop visitation. It was very limited at best. My ex blamed me for everything including his cheating. He accused me of "setting him up" to make the first moves on having sex with other women. My ex h is extremely delusional. Then my ex h committed identity theft and other fraud against me.:/ It was bad. I learned my lesson. Plus my ex was diagnosed with BPD.
> 
> I'm so happy I left that situation. There are good men out there. I have proof of that with my husband. We've been married over 12 years now.



Hi,

He has ADD and take medications.  

I dunno how to tell him what inside of me..when he gets upset he would forced me to have sex with him and tell me i am not going anywhere coz Im stuck with him. I cried all night long on my birthday... I told him to stop forcing me to have sex with him but he find pleasure when he sees me crying, and acted like nothing happened the next morning, he said he forgot that he did that, and he was very sorry.. I know, my baby is one of the biggest reason why I'm still holding on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

angelishblue12 said:


> Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable for thinking to leave him because of his habits?.....
> 
> he would tell me he needs to find his friends a girl and the only thing he could do for them is to go with them and sometimes dance with some girls just to hit with the other girls for his friends.


 Oh please.... you can't possibly believe this? 




> He said he will only do this once or twice a month. He went home one night with a red lipsticks on his sleeves, and he swears up and down he never talk to a girl and maybe it was mine lisptick and he assures me that he would never cheat on me and he cant never hurt me and our baby.


 That lip stick is not yours... 



> ..if he ever cheat on me he would tell me straight and not hide it.


 Why would he do this, so you will leave him in the dust and his having to pay child support to boot. This man is having his cake and eating it 2. Trustworthy men do not stay out all night -coming home with lipstick on their collar claiming they care so much about their guy friends they have to help them find a date...this is laughable. What are they, a bunch of dweeb losers. 



> He would murmur sometimes that his life sucks in front of me, and when I get really upset..he would say he just need me to calm him down coz he feels self pity on himself. He has some vices that promise he would stop doing it, but still smoking it.


 He knows he is living a double life, plus his addictions are not helping matters...the man has no integrity at all. 




> I told him one time he can be single again and Id leave, he said the baby is staying with him..and joint custody and stuff like that.. I can't change him and I have change to adjust for him.. I am feeling like a selfish woman but I know in my heart he was doing wrong or is it just me?


 He didn't fight you on the "being single again" thing, no talk of how he loves you, doesn't want to loose you... speaks volumes to what is important to him... he was never ready to settle down and give up his philandering bar scene lifestyle. All the signs are there... and remain.

These are seriously the worst types to find yourself entagled with -if you want to settle down and have a peaceful life with children. 

I'd leave him in a heartbeat, you are hardly selfish, in fact you should have been a damn stretch more selfish in not giving yourself to a man like this early on.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

To answer your thread title. Never, I would never let my spouse go to a bar or club. Based on your posts, I suggest IC for you and perhaps couples therapy. If he is unwilling to go and better himself, dont worry about	it. I do hope you find the strength to leave. No one should put up with that kind of abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Fyi you and the baby would be better off without him imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

angelishblue12 said:


> Hi,
> 
> He has ADD and take medications.
> 
> I dunno how to tell him what inside of me..when he gets upset he would forced me to have sex with him and tell me i am not going anywhere coz Im stuck with him. I cried all night long on my birthday... I told him to stop forcing me to have sex with him but he find pleasure when he sees me crying, and acted like nothing happened the next morning, he said he forgot that he did that, and he was very sorry.. I know, my baby is one of the biggest reason why I'm still holding on.


He takes meds and I assume he drinks to while at the bars, Wow not a good combo. 

He forces you to have sex, and he likes to see you cry. You stay because your child is one of the main reasons you hold on?
Its time to get real here!

First of all, you do NOT hold on because of your child, you hold on because you suffer from severe low self worth and you probably feel deep down you deserve this treatment. Most people with low self worth do feel this way. He can do nothing good to your child, because he cando nothing good to the childs mother, YOU! He can't do nothing good to the relationship because he is messed up. You are messed up as well, more than likely as a result of being at his hands. 

If he is forcing you to do things you do not want to do, then you either take your child and leave or you can call the police. By staying with this man you are helping to enable his behavior.

Get yourself in to some counseling ASAP.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

angelishblue12 said:


> when he gets upset he would f*orced me* to have sex with him and tell me i am not going anywhere coz Im stuck with him. I cried all night long on my birthday... I told him to stop* forcing me to have sex *with him *but he find pleasure when he sees me crying,* and acted like nothing happened the next morning, he said he forgot that he did that, and he was very sorry.. I know, my baby is one of the biggest reason why I'm still holding on.


This is ABUSIVE behavior... you know this... I'd advise you to get out the Phone book and call a Women's shelter and talk to someone .... I know nothing about this sort of thing, all I know is... this will NOT get better with this man... he needs serious HELP. You don't want your child growing up with a man like this.. Father or not... his behavior is hurting the mother, a child needs a happy Mother...and Stable Father... or it disturbs their life, destroys their perception of marriage,leads them down a similar path in thier own relationships, you don't want this.

I know you want to stay FOR the child, but you need to leave BECAUSE of the child... and yourself. Your self esteem has been slaughtered by this man as well. You need to surround yourself with good people who care about your welfare and future happiness. 



> *CallaLily said *: If he is forcing you to do things you do not want to do, then you either take your child and leave or you can call the police. By staying with this man you are helping to enable his behavior.


 Never enable a boundaryless abusive man...the only medicine that has a chance of working is....Leaving their a$$... so they can hit the gutter of life, realize how pathetic they are...so they will get the help they need.


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> He takes meds and I assume he drinks to while at the bars, Wow not a good combo.
> 
> He forces you to have sex, and he likes to see you cry. You stay because your child is one of the main reasons you hold on?
> Its time to get real here!
> ...


Yes, I will take your advice. You are right, since I live with him I suffer from very low self esteem and my self confidence went from 100 to 1%.. becoz he would always criticize the way I look and how I was acting so dumb. I started feeling that all he is saying is right. I do not remember how many times I dream of walking out the door and not come back, and when I get home and see his face and my child's face, I feel awful. I will someday soon realize how hard i treated myself and finally know why people treat me with disrespect becoz I always let them disrespect me. This guy has good qualities also, he works hard, he support his child, he loves her, told me he loves me, but the real problem is his smoking pot, out all night on weekends, and his very hurtful words towards me.


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is ABUSIVE behavior... you know this... I'd advise you to get out the Phone book and call a Women's shelter and talk to someone .... I know nothing about this sort of thing, all I know is... this will NOT get better with this man... he needs serious HELP. You don't want your child growing up with a man like this.. Father or not... his behavior is hurting the mother, a child needs a happy Mother...and Stable Father... or it disturbs their life, destroys their perception of marriage,leads them down a similar path in thier own relationships, you don't want this.
> 
> I know you want to stay FOR the child, but you need to leave BECAUSE of the child... and yourself. Your self esteem has been slaughtered by this man as well. You need to surround yourself with good people who care about your welfare and future happiness.
> 
> Never enable a boundaryless abusive man...the only medicine that has a chance of working is....Leaving their a$$... so they can hit the gutter of life, realize how pathetic they are...so they will get the help they need.


I cried when I see ya'll posts. I feel like a big slap on face just hit me hard and my head exploded with truths. 

Thank you, that's why I am here.. my boyfriend is known to be a funny guy and outgoing.. he has lots of friends but never really know him inside but me. Yes, his friends act like I am the one forcing him to stop his behavior and stop him for being who he was but they do not know how life inside closed doors.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Fvck his friends. They are as moronic as he is. Dont worry about thier ignorance because that is exactly what it is. Ignorance. Let them think what they want, you work on making a better life for you and your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Do NOT stay because of your child! Leave because of your child!


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Please, please take heed of the others' advice and get YOUR child away from this awful man. My ex H was emotionally & verbally abusive. I was married to it for 9yrs/ w it for 13yrs. Holding on, hoping he would some day love me like I dreamed he should. It NEVER happened. Looking back now, I so wish I would have gotten my sons out of there a lot sooner than I did. My oldest Son (now 28) still has issues from experiencing what his father put me/them through. The quicker you get your child out of there, the less your BF's behavior will have a chance to affect it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

angelishblue12 said:


> He would go out with his single friends and act like a wingman to them...he would tell me he needs to find his friends a girl and the only thing he could do for them is to go with them and sometimes dance with some girls just to hit with the other girls for his friends.


Sorry if I'm not an expert on the club pickup scene, but doesn't the wingman get laid too?

:scratchhead:


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## angelishblue12 (Nov 10, 2012)

MrK said:


> Sorry if I'm not an expert on the club pickup scene, but doesn't the wingman get laid too?
> 
> :scratchhead:


I dont know, I can only count in my fingers how many times i went out with my friends, so i don't really know how men acts towards other women at the club.. I am just being a foolish person and on denial.. so eveything is blurry in my sight and dont get to figure out and listening to his explanations all the time is seems like the truth..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You shouldn't worry about him taking the child. You're not married. In the vast majority of places, he has no say as long as you are stable.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He goes out and picks up girls for his friends.

He forces you to have sex with him.

He gets pleasure out of seeing you cry.

He's abusive and for THE SAKE of your child you need to leave him.


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## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

Hello angelishblue12. Do what's best for you child. You've already taken the right step by going to school. Think of your child and your motherly instincts will follow. Good Luck.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Guy is a grade A loser... Somewhere out there is a good man for you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

angelishblue12 said:


> ...so everything is blurry in my sight and don't get to figure out and listening to his explanations all the time is seems like the truth..


I was just rereading this thread. I feel bad for just making a single, not too serious post then bailing. I hope she is OK. This is a horrible situation. And that line above kills me more than anything. To read her descriptions of this man then wonder if it's just in her head?

The gambling, the verbal, emotional and physical abuse (no hitting, but there was a borderline rape in her story), the infidelity. Yes, infidelity. IF he's telling the truth, he's out picking up women with his toxic friends. Minimum. And doing it to that degree, that often, that late, and NEVER partaken in a little himself? I quite frankly find that impossible to believe. 

You need to leave. You need to protect your child. You need to talk to a lawyer.


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