# Single mum about to have a breakdown



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Maybe I have already broken down. I don't even know. I need advice on how to cope caring for a baby as a first time single mother, this is a pretty long, pathetically miserable rant so you have been warned...

4 months ago, my STBX walked out on me & our then 3 week old daughter. He flew home almost immediately to the other side of the world so he is currently an absent parent who doesn't pay child support.

I am a student who will be resuming my degree next year and am living with my parents for the time being. My mum helped me with the baby a ton but my folks are currently overseas for a month. My younger brother lives here too and my 82 year old grandma is helping to cook meals.

I was never ready for children nor did I know anything about child-rearing and boy was I in for a big shock. However, I could catch up on sleep while my mum took over. Now that she is overseas, I can't!

I was separated from my daughter for 2 weeks to do my exams and now she refuses to breastfeed... I am devastated and feel like a failure. So I am exclusively pumping, as time consuming as it is.

My grandma makes a ton of mess in the kitchen and so I've been cleaning up around the house while the baby naps. My baby is very fussy, coupled with the fact that I am inexperienced and what I would regard as an inefficient mother, so I have almost no time to myself!?! She usually sleeps at night and wakes up for feedings every 3 hours but often she fights her sleep and can stay awake crying for hours! Sometimes I take too long to prepare the expressed milk that she wakes up and won't sleep.

I feed her, she still cries, I craddle and rock her, still can't sleep. I have a rocker too which doesn't always work on her. I just don't know what to do anymore!! It was So much easier when I was still breastfeeding as she would fall asleep easily on the breast. I can't carry her for long because it physically hurts my body, I weigh 110 lbs and she is about 15 lbs+. Often I find my muscles twitching and my body is perpetually sore like I've been run over repeatedly by a truck.

I can't ask my grandma to help out as the baby is too heavy for her and I don't think it's safe for her to subject her frail body to any physical stress. My brother never helps out, he is glued to his video games and I had to convince him for ages to even take out the trash. He never washes his dishes either. My parents always let him off because he is a "man, & housework is for women". It's gotten to the point that I have been neglecting my own personal hygiene. I feel like I am doing everything here! I don't remember the last time I had proper sleep, I've had an hour worth for the past 2 days... I used to be one heck of a bum, a pothead who would skip out on classes and blow my money unnecessarily. I am still not used to the hard work and "labour" of being a single mother. Now I feel like a robot slowly shutting down.

I have people telling me it isn't normal that my daughter isn't sleeping through the night which makes me feel even more awful. I feel like the world's crappiest mother, I am super on edge, I drove my the love of my life my STBX away, I feel so rejected & unwanted & wished I had a husband/baby daddy to help out. I have been diagnosed with depression too since his departure and am often plagued with hateful thoughts towards myself.

I sound really negative but sometimes I wish I was dead. Heck, I am already a walking zombie. Any tips/advice, how do you parents do it?!! Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life itself but I wish things were easier and I was more capable and had things under control?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It is normal for them to still wake at night. It's normal to be exhausted and for them to think 3am is morning time and want to stay up

I do think you should talk to your Dr though. Depression, like postpartum depression, is not always sad and crying. It is overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, physical and mental exhaustion, going from numb to extreme emotions. I had fairly severe PPD and meds helped a lot. I still wasn't sleeping or getting much done (cause babies just take up a lot and don't sleep more than a few hours) but my mental state was more at peace and I didn't have the feelings like I was a failure or like I was so overwhelmed I couldn't function.


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## kmetoyer (Aug 23, 2017)

Parenting is definitely not easy, and don't think you are the first person to feel this way. We are all inefficient mothers in the beginning, we are learning to care for a tiny person who will depend on us for everything. Its frustrating. When I had my first child, I was a single mother because I refused to stay with the child's father (he was emotionally abusive). I was also in college. Have you tried to keep your baby up during the day? If you are letting her sleep a lot during the day, she wont want to sleep at night. I'm not saying refuse to let her nap at all, but maybe an hour nap during the earlier part of the day. Then keep her up until its bed time. Does she sleep in the same room with you, or a separate room? For a while, my 2 year old wouldn't sleep in her own room, so I had to put her cradle in my room next to the bed. She seemed to sleep better that way. I slowly transitioned her to her own room over time. Warm baths before bed, lavender lotion after the bath, tends to help babies be less fussy and relax. When I had my daughter 2 years ago, I would put her in a bouncy chair wherever I was (kitchen,laundry room, didn't matter) while I was doing chores and I would talk to her, make faces, dance, sing, and it really cut down her on her crying. In her case, she just wanted to make sure she had my attention. You said that your parents would only be gone for a month, and it sounds like your mom has been very helpful. 

When you put her in bed at night, take a hot bath, relax your muscles. Our bodies become accustomed to carrying a baby around, and before long you will forget you are carrying that little booger. The hardest part of being a single mom is realizing that you are, in fact, going to have to do it on your own. This is what adds to the frustration because eventually you start to feel like your being pulled in a million different directions. This will subside and things will get easier. Right now, it sounds like your letting the frustration of no one helping you get in the way of tackling this thing we call motherhood. Ignore what everyone else is doing and focus on you and your daughter. Make a plan each day you get up, put her on a schedule and stick to it, don't over exert yourself taking care of everyone else's mess. Focus on you and baby.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You can do this. It's evident you have a good heart inside you. It comes through in your story. Don't give up on yourself. It might not be "easy" for a while. You just sort of get used to the effort. The lack of sleep is hugely detrimental and is greatly affecting your mood. Don't beat yourself up too much right now. You'll adjust.

Contact the hospitals in your area to see if they have resources for single moms. Quite often, there will be support or church groups who can help with advice and babysitting. Also look for lactation resources. These are women who know everything about breastfeeding and can help you and your baby get back in sync. Also get with a playgroup. That's a group of moms who go to someone's house or a park to socialize (and blow off steam) to each other while their kids play. 

I'm really sorry your family is not helping out more. That's usually who helps the new mom out the most. Take what help you can get, but don't rely on them too much since it seems like they're not there for you. Just assume they don't exist when it comes to childcare.

Even in the the best of situations, the first few months are hell. Then it gets to be more of a routine. It will be challenging all the time, but you'll get rewards that fill your heart so much you can't imagine life without your daughter.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would work hard on getting her sleeping through the night. Feed her and put her to bed at the same time every night--I always put mine down at about 7:30pm. 

Now here's the trick to stretching out her nighttime sleep... just before you are ready to go to bed, go in and give a late night feeding (top her off, so to speak) BEFORE she wakes up crying. Around 11pm or so. Don't turn on any lights, don't change her diaper if she's only wet, and don't speak at all. She likely will not even wake for this feeding, mine never did. 

The minute you put her back down, go straight to bed and get as much sleep as you can. With any luck she'll stretch it out until 5-6am and you will also have gotten a nice long rest.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

We went through the same thing, with both of kids, and it was so rough. Those were hands down the hardest years of my life so far! Mine did not sleep through the night until much older. 

The first thing I would do is work on the feeding. If pumping is not working (sounds like it isn't, bc it's time consuming and causing you a lot of stress), perhaps start supplementing with formula so that you can cut back on the number of pumping sessions you have to do. 

Also, it sounds like she's a bit colicky, which could be a sensitivity to something in your diet. Dairy, spicy foods, gassy vegetables. Anything that comes through your milk can be upsetting her stomach. If you want to continue to exclusively pump, maybe talk to your pediatrician about diet modifications that you can make to see if it helps her. 

The second thing I would do is rethink priorities. Do you really need to clean the house when she's down? The first thing you should do is sleep as much as you can, and make sure you shower regularly. Those two things will improve your mood and coping ability drastically. Make sure you are taking time to eat. Especially if you are breastfeeding or pumping. I would often find I didn't have time to eat, and my depression would make me not want to eat, and I wasn't taking in enough calories to make enough milk for the baby. Which stressed me out even more because I blamed myself for not being able to produce enough to feed them. 

Be kind to yourself. Don't worry about what anyone else's baby did or didn't do at your babies age. The only advice you should take in earnest is from your pediatrician. 

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Some kids just won't sleep.

My son slept 5-6 hours long at 3 weeks. My daughter was up every 3 hours for over a year and absolutely nothing I did changed that. 

Have a look through these and see if they fit. 

The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Sorry. Your ex bailed. He is a loser.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

STOP listening to whoever is telling you 'it isn't normal'. There is NO normal with kids. I had one who slept through the night after a month and another who didn't till she was 18 months old.

You need to have help. A mothers helper (an 11 or 12 year old who comes and does stuff with you there) or better yet a sitter who can give you breaks, even if it's just for a nap. If you can't pay them then find someone who you can trade sitting with. Seek out and join single parents groups. I was in one through a church that met once a week and fed us and our kids and then took the kids away for a couple hours while we did stuff like crafts or our taxes or our hair. It was THE BEST. It also gave us the opportunity to network, find out where free stuff was like clothes and bottles and babysitting and car washes and dentists.

I was a single mom to a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old when I kicked my ex out. I wouldn't have survived without help.

As for your grandmother, why the hell are you cleaning up HER messes?? If she can cook, she can bloody well clean. Give her ****.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes it is difficult. But you can do this!! Every baby is different so you will have to find what works best with your baby. I was a zombie also but you do have to focus on your daughter and yourself. Grandma is cooking which is great because you need to eat for yourself. You need food and sleep for energy. Hopefully your brother will help out where he can. Try and let everything else go which is difficult to do. Take naps when she is napping. This can be hard because I'm not a 'napper'-- put on some relaxing music and let your mind rest. A few deep breaths can help!! My kids didn't start sleeping thru the night till about 6 months.. I think they slept better being warm. I put thin socks and a onesie on THEN the one piece pajama set over that.. I wake up when I'm cold maybe they do too. Your parents will be home before you know it!! Just focus on your daughter and yourself and you will be fine. I know about being tired BUT getting out for stroller walks is good. The fresh air does wonders!!


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Much appreciation to every single one of you for the kind words. It really has lifted up my spirits which is exactly what I needed  I understand I am not alone with my struggles but it feels like I am the only one who sucks at this. 

I clean up the mess because under my mother's care, the house is always spotless. Right now it looks like a pig sty in comparison which really bugs me haha. It doesn't look so much like home anymore!

As per the advice here, I decided to just chill & not worry too much about the kitchen/hall mess & instead focus on my baby & cleaning my room + her things. Taking a step back from housekeeping has bought me time to rest. I feel AMAZING now that I've caught up on some sleep... it's crazy how much difference a little bit of undisturbed sleep makes  

I should consider myself lucky that I only have one child to care for myself, have a great support system & my parents will be back in a month! Thank you folks for hearing me out & knowing that there are others who have gone through similar experiences *virtual hugs*


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