# My Wife wants to be Humiliated



## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

Brief backstory, my Wife and I have had a major disconnect for a few years now, but for the past month since we finally opened up to one another we have been closer then ever.

If you want a little more background read *Here*.

Now the gods decided that although we have reconnected we have still been unable reintroduce PIV into our sex-life. She had an abnormal result from her smear test and had to have a LEETZ procedure the day after we had 'the talk' (as we now refer to it). Its a horrible procedure in which they burn the inside of your whooji and the recovery time is around 6 weeks. We are back to pleasuring each other in other ways though while we wait :smthumbup: :smthumbup:

I think that this delay in getting back into things is a good thing. It has given us time to explore one another again after so long, and we have been discussing things more than ever. These discussions have taken a turn towards our sexual desires and fantasies, one of which my wife divulged to me is that she wants me to humiliate and degrade her more (not publicly, just privately between us). Obviously not the first time we get back at it but introduce such behaviour into some sessions over time to see how it goes.

This within itself is not too big an issue for me as I am quite dominant sexually and she more submissive. Light bondage and the like so far in our past, and she wants to take it up a notch that's cool with me. But with her condition and her low self-esteem I'm conflicted on whether calling her a **** and ***** whilst i **** her with her head in the toilet (her suggestions to what she wants of me, not mine) is really wise. How will her husband degrading her when she has such a low opinion of herself right now effect her, it surely wont help.

I want to please her and me being more aggressive with her would be a turn on for both of us, from day 1 she has always wanted to submit to me sexually and I'm more than happy and willing to oblige. However, I cannot help but feel that at this point in time it will do more harm than good.

Am I overthinking things? Submission really is what gets her going and perhaps fulfilment in this area will help her, but it feels so counter-intuitive when I consider where her head is at outside the bedroom.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Wooodd said:


> Brief backstory, my Wife and I have had a major disconnect for a few years now, but for the past month since we finally opened up to one another we have been closer then ever.
> 
> If you want a little more background read *Here*.
> 
> ...


That is my thinking. I am not expert on the extremes of sexual fantasies, bondage, etc. I am thinking that many normal people can have these rendezvous and it still be healthy but not where her head is at. I have a feeling it would be a short term rise in satisfaction but ultimately snowball into taking her depression further.

She needs counseling and help for her underlying condition. Her getting off for a few seconds will not be worth the pain as it accumulates from this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wooodd said:


> Brief backstory, my Wife and I have had a major disconnect for a few years now, but for the past month since we finally opened up to one another we have been closer then ever.
> 
> If you want a little more background read *Here*.
> 
> ...


Any history of sexual abuse in her past that you are aware of?


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Where her head is inside the bedroom, should have no bearing on where her head is at on a day to day basis. Fantasies and role play are not real life. I think it is important to let her know she can be one way in private and you will still treat her as a beautiful flower the next morning. You are her husband. Make sure she feels safe to explore her dark side with you and only you.

With that said, if these desires are rooted in an unpleasant past, then counseling should continue. She may get to the point where she no longer desires humiliation. It is important that you are part of the journey to get there.

My suggestion is that you take her out after the session. Suit and tie.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just remember you are the one in control. That’s the general idea, anyway. You decide what you think is too much.

I don’t understand the “self defeating personality” although I have quite a bit of experience with it. My wife is a masochist, and we have been married for 44 years.

She did spend 8 years in therapy, and she is what she is. She enjoys bondage. She enjoys being degraded, which I indulge with words, on occasion.

I make certain to hold her and tell her how wonderful she is, after sex. Cuddling and kissing long after orgasms seems to work well.

I can tell you that if I don’t indulge her in private she will push it into our public lives, and get very bratty until she gets her way. So the idea that the Dominant is in charge isn’t necessarily true.

She bought a T-shirt that said something about it not being easy being a ***** but somebody has to do it, and wore it out shopping. I suggested it was a bit much, and she said she would wear another one she got, around the neighborhood, which said “No is not my safe word!” unless I punished her.

She finds ways to get her way. 

And she had 8 years of psychiatric therapy.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> That is my thinking. I am not expert on the extremes of sexual fantasies, bondage, etc. I am thinking that many normal people can have these rendezvous and it still be healthy but not where her head is at. I have a feeling it would be a short term rise in satisfaction but ultimately snowball into taking her depression further.
> 
> She needs counseling and help for her underlying condition. Her getting off for a few seconds will not be worth the pain as it accumulates from this.


This is my concern too. She is currently getting counseling for her issues, and we are looking at starting CC together soon too. Our disconnect has been a long drawnout thing which hasn't helped matters in any way so hopefully this will help both of us.

Outside of the bedroom we are very 'lovey-dovey' but sexually she wants to be ravaged. The way she puts it is 'treat me like you love me, but f*ck me like you hate me'. Its always been this way but what she is asking for now I feel wont help her in her current condition.



nice777guy said:


> Any history of sexual abuse in her past that you are aware of?


None at all, we have discussed this many times in the past (when we were both in a better place) and more recently too. It was a concern of mine when we started the D/s rolls we have sexually but she assures me its just how shes wired and that theres nothing underlying driving these cravings.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> Where her head is inside the bedroom, should have no bearing on where her head is at on a day to day basis. Fantasies and role play are not real life. I think it is important to let her know she can be one way in private and you will still treat her as a beautiful flower the next morning. You are her husband. Make sure she feels safe to explore her dark side with you and only you.
> 
> With that said, if these desires are rooted in an unpleasant past, then counseling should continue. She may get to the point where she no longer desires humiliation. It is important that you are part of the journey to get there.
> 
> My suggestion is that you take her out the next day. Suit and tie.


This would be the only way I could be so aggresive with her. I have no issues performing this role, I like to be dominant so it does suit us both. I'm just concerned about the timing. If she wasn't having self esteem issues there would be no concerns at all on my part. I think a very frank talk is in order about how such activities may effect her outside the bedroom.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Just remember you are the one in control. That’s the general idea, anyway. You decide what you think is too much.
> 
> I don’t understand the “self defeating personality” although I have quite a bit of experience with it. My wife is a masochist, and we have been married for 44 years.
> 
> ...


As the dominant I am never in control. It appears that way from the outset but she will set all boundries and can halt proceedings at any time. 

She (the submissive) untimately has control and holds all the cards. Its a great dynamic.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Thiis one is tricky.

The BDSM mantra is safe, sane, consensual. The second one is the question here - is this something she really wants in a *healthy* fashion?

To me there really is a difference between someone who wants a change to let go occasionally, and have someone else be in charge for a wile, spank them, and "force" them to do things. Thats different form someone who has psychological issues that make them feel that they *deserve* that sort of treatment. 

Can you talk to her about it? Make it clear that as play you are completely happy, but want to understand if she really wants this as a kink.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Has she specifically stated that she wants to be verbally humiliated in the bedroom? Or is it more mental or physical? Possibly a combination of them all? 

Dom/Sub dynamics can play out in a vast number of ways, and, although it isn't entirely sexy to do, first and foremost you both need to sit down and hash out the exact boundaries she wants to explore. The only way you'll know for certain whether or not she is taking something the wrong way will be decisively drawing boundaries that you both need to adhere to. 

Figure out what you both do want to try and also come up with a safe-word that is sexually neutral and cannot be mistaken in the context of sex (i.e. do not use "no" or "stop" but something like "Winter" or "Cashew"). 

Figure out the soft-boundaries (i.e. actions, words, experimenting that you both find curious or enticing and not sure how you feel about yet but could comfortably press). 

Figure out your hard-nos (i.e. lines that must never, ever be crossed which can include physical, emotional, mental, and verbal boundaries).

Discuss what you want to get out of this. Is she wanting humiliation to take her mind off of life? Is she satisfying some long-desired interest? Exploring the root of the submission (and dominance in your own case) will help you both approach and appreciate this from a place of stability. 

You also need to be prepared for emotional and mental risings with this, and how you both want to care for each other afterwards. There *needs* to be a post-sex (regardless of what you did) care session that ensures you both reenter normal life with a clean slate. This is extremely important because it allows for a bridge to form that keeps the dom/sub dynamic is a safe and healthy zone. It can a sit-down discussion so she can express how she felt about the session, or a reciprocal massage, joint shower, something that clearly ends the sex but continues to show care and love between the two of you. 

I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it can be extremely liberating, joyful and insanely pleasurable if done correctly. These steps also help ensure that there is no cross-over damage or abuse that can accidentally happen. You both must be willing and appreciative of open communication, otherwise something might slip through the cracks and cause harm that can intrude on your everyday life.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Thiis one is tricky.
> 
> The BDSM mantra is safe, sane, consensual. The second one is the question here - is this something she really wants in a *healthy* fashion?
> 
> ...


We have always had an underlying D/s relationship from day 1. Spanking and bondage are things we always indulged in from day 1. When we first met she was very confident and knew she was gorgeous so the kinks I believe are genuine.

What she now wants does seem like a natural progression from where we were at before.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you think she has enjoyed the previous D/S stuff and this seems like a natural progression, then its probably find. Just be sure that (in addition to a safe-word of course) there is a *clear* separation between bedroom play and real life.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Has she specifically stated that she wants to be verbally humiliated in the bedroom? Or is it more mental or physical? Possibly a combination of them all?
> 
> Dom/Sub dynamics can play out in a vast number of ways, and, although it isn't entirely sexy to do, first and foremost you both need to sit down and hash out the exact boundaries she wants to explore. The only way you'll know for certain whether or not she is taking something the wrong way will be decisively drawing boundaries that you both need to adhere to.
> 
> ...


From our bondage sessions we already have 2 safe words in place. "Yellow" is an indication that I'm getting too carried away and to ease up a little, and "Red" is a straight up stop, were done. Red was never used.

When she brought this up I said to her that before we take it further we need to discuss new boundries and such she agrees and we will lay out all ground rules before we do anything.

I'm just conflicted over how this will effect her self esteem. If we do venture down this road aftercare will be at the fore-front of my mind.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

uhtred said:


> If you think she has enjoyed the previous D/S stuff and this seems like a natural progression, then its probably find. Just be sure that (in addition to a safe-word of course) there is a *clear* separation between bedroom play and real life.


No issues there. If anything the roles are reversed outside the bedroom.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am a very alpha male and as a consequence, sexually submissive women were drawn to me. To me it is all a sex game, not a reflection of who the person is outside of the bedroom. I enjoy being sexually submissive to women at times and the funny part is that outside of bed, they are submissive to me. It is simply role playing by most and a psychological issue for a few.

As a few girls told me in the past, I have the ability to bring out the inner Sl*T in women. I will not even list the things I did to women at their request. I am up for anything between consenting adults and trying all sorts of fetish play has made our 46 years of marriage be exciting in and out of the bedroom. I have found that sometimes women want to be treated as you describe to feel that they are being forced or given permission to do the dirty things they want to do but need to feel it is being done as someone other than who they really are. I knew how to make girls feel that they were doing all the nasty things they really wanted to do out of obedience to me and not by their own volition.

Many do not realize that your brain is your largest sex organ. Words alone can make a women reach orgasm with a minimum of stimulation. Saying the right things can make them wet. It is no secret that saying the right words will push them over the edge most times. Sex can be a lot of fun if you let it.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Wooodd said:


> From our bondage sessions we already have 2 safe words in place. "Yellow" is an indication that I'm getting too carried away and to ease up a little, and "Red" is a straight up stop, were done. Red was never used.
> 
> When she brought this up I said to her that before we take it further we need to discuss new boundries and such she agrees and we will lay out all ground rules before we do anything.
> 
> I'm just conflicted over how this will effect her self esteem. If we do venture down this road aftercare will be at the fore-front of my mind.


If this is something that she seems to have naturally progressed toward, then to be honest her self-esteem may actually improve with this type of play. She'll feel adored, desired, and liberated through the humiliation, and it might give her a sense of newfound confidence in herself not only sexually but also personally. 

I'm a submissive Brat in the BDSM world, and when my husband/dominant really brings it in the bedroom, I can honestly ride that wave of confidence and esteem well into the next week hahahaha I think as long as you guys maintain that open communication and definitely invest in aftercare, then you should check your worries at the door and just have fun with your wife. She's clearly confident in you as a partner to help her reach new levels of herself, and that is ultimately the greatest gift a Dominant to give to his Submissive. It's a deeper, more intimate level of the dynamic, so you both are very lucky to have each other!


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> If this is something that she seems to have naturally progressed toward, then to be honest her self-esteem may actually improve with this type of play. She'll feel adored, desired, and liberated through the humiliation, and it might give her a sense of newfound confidence in herself not only sexually but also personally.
> 
> I'm a submissive Brat in the BDSM world, and when my husband/dominant really brings it in the bedroom, I can honestly ride that wave of confidence and esteem well into the next week hahahaha I think as long as you guys maintain that open communication and definitely invest in aftercare, then you should check your worries at the door and just have fun with your wife. She's clearly confident in you as a partner to help her reach new levels of herself, and that is ultimately the greatest gift a Dominant to give to his Submissive. It's a deeper, more intimate level of the dynamic, so you both are very lucky to have each other!


I feel very lucky. It wasn't something we knew about each other until after we married, and to discover that additional level of intimacy so far into our relationship was amazing.

We have only recently reconnected with each other after a very bumpy few years so we are starting back off slow. Introduce new elements slowly over time and I'm going to keep vigilant to her attitude and moods. I'm so worried it will makes things worse, and at the same time hopeful that it can help her regain herself image.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, you have time, take it slow, have a lot of sex and talk about it afterward. 

My GF, was a little bothered that I did not MAKE her use the safe word the other day??? WTF? 

Ok, my bad, I should have let her make the decision on how far it went. I was trying to get close but not too close. 

But, OK, it is what she wants, so that is what she will get...


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> You know, you have time, take it slow, have a lot of sex and talk about it afterward.
> 
> My GF, was a little bothered that I did not MAKE her use the safe word the other day??? WTF?
> 
> ...


Try and inrtoduce a 'middle ground' safe word to indicate easing off a little.

If nothing else it will give you piece of mind that if she hasnt even used the middle one yet then you can still push further. Our 'Yellow' is there for this very reason.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow, you are one lucky guy!
She is a submissive, and you admit you like to be dominant.
It might be a little weird at first, but it sounds like this is exactly why you had a lagging sex life up to now, and MIGHT be the key that unlocks her libido.

Bondage is a good start. 
The right play wear is good too, such as restraints, leather wear, various nipple clamps, piercings, etc.

I might also point out, that anal sex is a very humiliating thing to do to her...and she may just love it. Especially since she has her medical issues.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> If you think she has enjoyed the previous D/S stuff and this seems like a natural progression, then its probably find. Just be sure that (in addition to a safe-word of course) there is a *clear* separation between bedroom play and real life.


Just go with it for your own personal test period, say a month or two. 
Be cautious, you can talk this to death, killing her desire for you. She feels safe with you, let her, and give her what she wants. If keeps going well, continue as desired.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First this is just a thing that runs her on. And it has probably been a fantasy for a long time. The reconnection has obviously made her feel more safe in discussing these things with you. There is probably a whole lot of fun exploring in your future. This desire she has likely has no relation to anything other than fantasies that have been bouncing around in her head for a while. 

Talk to here some more, go slow. If her issues are serious enough that you a concerned about it perhaps you could have a session with her and her counselor or you two could go to a marriage counselor and discuss it. 

But I think she just wants to be bad and wants to be punished for being bad.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> But I think she just wants to be bad and wants to be punished for being bad.


This is kind of funny for me. My GF is really pushing it lately. She does the slightly bratty defiant thing, so I have to spank her. It is just such a fine line. 

But I think I just have to take her to the safe word, it really seems that she wants that, so I am thinking that it has to go there.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> wow, you are one lucky guy!
> She is a submissive, and you admit you like to be dominant.
> It might be a little weird at first, but it sounds like this is exactly why you had a lagging sex life up to now, and MIGHT be the key that unlocks her libido.


Oh I feel so lucky ATM its unreal. 

We're both on a real high after getting our sh*t together and I think your right that the rut we have been in is a result of neither one of us expressing our sexual desires to each other, at least in part anyway. 



happyhusband0005 said:


> Talk to here some more, go slow. If her issues are serious enough that you a concerned about it perhaps you could have a session with her and her counselor or you two could go to a marriage counselor and discuss it.


I don't want to talk this to death and kill the desire, but we do discuss it when she brings it up. 

We are looking to book a CC session to attend together soon to try and help me understand her Anxiety better. The NHS are funny about my joining in one of her sessions, I tried to get in once before.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I am not against spanking and the like but sometimes I see a self hatred thing operating which is not healthy. You need to be careful that you don't endorse that by the words she asks you to use and what is done to her. I think spanking and the like is healthy because of the feeling of it but punishment and humiliation is something else.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Wooodd said:


> , but it feels so counter-intuitive when I consider where her head is at outside the bedroom.



Where is it? I presume not in the toilet. 

I think if she wants you to humiliate her more and you are ok with that, you should just go ahead and do it.

Sex for some people is escapism from realities. What you do in the bedroom (or toilet), stays in the toilet. I mean you have to understand that it does in any way not mimic reality. It also doesn’t mean you should treat her with lack of respect outside the bedroom (not saying you are doing it but it’s a typical ‘beginners’ mistake when t come to these things).

Good luck. And don’t flush with her head in there Choking hazard!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Wooodd said:


> This would be the only way I could be so aggresive with her. I have no issues performing this role, I like to be dominant so it does suit us both. I'm just concerned about the timing. If she wasn't having self esteem issues there would be no concerns at all on my part. I think a very frank talk is in order about how such activities may effect her outside the bedroom.



I would just do what she asks of you. I am sure she is a big girl and knows what’s good for her. 



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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Where is it? I presume not in the toilet.
> 
> I think if she wants you to humiliate her more and you are ok with that, you should just go ahead and do it.
> 
> ...


:rofl: :rofl:

When we discussed my concerns this is more or less exactly how she worded it. She has had these desires long before her anxiety was even a thing, and she assures me that it hasn't had any bearing on her emotional state of mind. She says I am overthinking things, and so far things are going good.

Although we are building the experiences slowly, her moods and self-esteem seem to be improving the more degrading I get towards her in the bed/bathroom. 

Fine lines and all that, but so far so good :smthumbup:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Wooodd, under the circumstances, you are right to express caution.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the key to making this happen is for both of you to sit down and start with guidelines and rules between each other..so for example...you have a list of words that are acceptable and not acceptable, what acts are acceptable, you should do this on only special days that you both agree, all other days everything goes back to normal life....also have a secret word that when ever it maybe to much for her or you everything stops for that day and you discuss open what happen to feel that way...the key is in making this special for both of you without causing emotional problems on either side.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wooodd said:


> As the dominant I am never in control. It appears that way from the outset but she will set all boundries and can halt proceedings at any time.
> 
> She (the submissive) untimately has control and holds all the cards. Its a great dynamic.


Are you wanting to know HOW to do it? 

Just watch a Rocco Siffredi video and follow suit.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> the key to making this happen is for both of you to sit down and start with guidelines and rules between each other..so for example...you have a list of words that are acceptable and not acceptable, what acts are acceptable, you should do this on only special days that you both agree, all other days everything goes back to normal life....also have a secret word that when ever it maybe to much for her or you everything stops for that day and you discuss open what happen to feel that way...the key is in making this special for both of you without causing emotional problems on either side.


Yep. 


Some don'ts:

1) No guns or knives 

2) Spank only until red and chapped...not bleeding 

3) Light choking only

4) Adjustable nipple clamps only 

5) Silk or polyester rope only...no scratchy hemp rope please...

6) Bleach-water handy if watersports or poo-poo involved....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you wanting to know HOW to do it?
> 
> Just watch a Rocco Siffredi video and follow suit.


Urrgh. That guy...He has had waaaay too much ***** over his career span. And has made waaaay too many men cum as a result (I console myself from the latter).
Yes. Jealous much. :soapbox::rant:


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Yep.
> 
> 
> Some don'ts:
> ...


You are MacGyver and I claim my £5.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Urrgh. That guy...He has had waaaay too much ***** over his career span. And has made waaaay too many men cum as a result (I console myself from the latter).
> Yes. Jealous much. :soapbox::rant:


Have you seen that movie on Netflix about him?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Have you seen that movie on Netflix about him?


No, is he unhappy, depressed and has ED problems? He should retire so others can have a turn...:crying:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> No, is he unhappy, depressed and has ED problems? He should retire so others can have a turn...:crying:


I dunno...those women seemed pretty happy. If that guy has ED then God knows what I have.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Yep.
> 
> 
> Some don'ts:
> ...



yes or no to duck tape? :wink2:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> yes or no to duck tape? :wink2:


High tack or low tack?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> High tack or low tack?


double sided


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> double sided


ooooooooh....

Well why not?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> ooooooooh....
> 
> Well why not?


Right? Who could have thought double sided duck tape could produce so much excitement...Don't get me started on the blu tack! No wonder they have banned me from the office supplies section in Walmart. :woohoo:


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

As long as it's not hurting no one or potentially harmful to one's health... You should always help your partner with their 'kinks'.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I don't really understand why I like to be humiliated but I do. Someone said it was like a way of self harm which I don't know if that's true. Like the same psychological cause but just different way of going about it.

Anyway, I've been with a lot of guys who were very dominant and i'm really submissive. The first guy i ever had sex with was like a freak and he was extremely dominant. He played a lot of mind games and really got into my head about a lot of things. It was so intense. 

My husband isn't into any of this. He's very gentle and would never call me names or make me do humiliating things.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I don't really understand why I like to be humiliated but I do. Someone said it was like a way of self harm which I don't know if that's true. Like the same psychological cause but just different way of going about it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It’s not like self harm at all. Animals do that too and I don’t think they are self harming...
Domination/submission is part of ‘normal’ sexual dynamic between most couples I would say.
Took me a while to understand and accept that the ‘reality of fulfilling sex is not always like those cheesy Hollywood movies.


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