# My husband won't have sex with me



## nala (Feb 15, 2009)

We started dating almost 11 years ago & got married in City Hall a few months ago. We are having a church ceremony & wedding reception in May. He was baptised into my religion a couple of weeks ago. This means so much to my family, & I see it as an attestation of his love for me.
If I look back to the beginning of the relationship over a decade ago, it just makes me more sad because I can vividly recall how we used to make love so passionatly & frequently. Then I'd say about 4-5 years ago his flame began to go out, while mine still continues to burn...
My husband stopped having regular sex with me over 2 years ago. In fact, in the past 2 years we have probably had sex no more than 5 times, each time I was the initiator. So we talked about it & he admitted being depressed. He began seeing a therapist & a psychiatrist prescribed him Cymbalta, which he still takes. We went to a few sessions of counseling together to his therapist, & we did our homework assignment ONCE. Then he quit therapy & continues going to the psychiatrist.
When I told him to talk to the psychiatrist about his not wanting to have sex, the doc prescribed him a full bottle (#30)of Cymbalta. That was over six months ago & he took a pill ONE time while we were on vacation, after I seduced him. Sex was quick & passion-less; we were both drunk; & he just passed out.
I Love my husband more than anything & of course want to be with him forever. I have lied to myself throughout these years, trying to convince myself that one day we might find that old spark we had.
EVERYTHING else is great. He inspires me & makes me want to strive to do better. We travel together (a passion we both love), and when we are away from home we automatically have a better bond. He is my best friend.
I NEED to have that empty part of my heart filled in order to go through with our wedding ceremony in May. I feel like I will be committing a bigger sin by marrying him in front of God, our family & our friends than I would to leave the man I love because of this....
Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

In this case you have to wonder what's worse- the original problem or the medication used to treat it.

Cymbalta works to increase the availability of two brain chemicals- serotonin and norepinephrine. Like all meds that boost serotonin, Cymbalta lowers libido and inhibits orgasm. Because it's effects are dual purpose these side effects may not be as strong as with other kinds of antidepressants but nonetheless, it will lessen the sex drive.

It is a sad irony that people who don't want sex due to depression are often prescribed medications that lower libido. Most doctors believe that if you treat the depression an increased sex drive will follow, supposedly despite the anti libido effects of the depression meds. While this may be true in cases of very severe depression, the bottom line is that if you are going to boost serotonin you have to counteract the effects of the meds by raising both norepinephrine and, more importantly dopamine which is the brain chemical that fuels the sex drive. 

I would have him go back to his doctor and ask for what is called "combination therapy" which means taking lowered doses of the Cymbalta and supplementing it with another antidepressant, WELLBUTRIN. Wellbutrin raises dopamine and increases sex drive while also working on the depression. If he is suffering from the type of depression than makes him tired and listless, Wellbutrin will boost his mental and physical energy.

Wellbutrin is used "off label" (used to treat something it wasn't primarily designed for) to treat anorgasmia (inability to have an orgasm) in women and has been very successful in raising sexual arousal levels to the orgasmic tipping point.

If he does do combination therapy and begins to feel like he wants to have sex again, I'd also suggest a prescription for Viagra. Even if he does not suffer from erectile problems, Viagra will sensitize the penis and give him a lot of sexual confidence. Once regular sex has been reestablished he can go off the Viagra if he wants.

There is a chance that even if his depression is successfully treated and he does begin to feel sexually aroused, he may still be nervous about having sex again after going a long time without. There is a chance he may still feel uneasy about partner sex. If this happens a few sessions with a good sex therapist will boost his confidence.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Doesnt wellbutrin make one gain weight? 

I dont think "combination" therapy is a good idea. No one knows what the combination of all those different drugs does in the long run. I've heard Viagra alone has some nasty side effects.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Combination drug therapy is very common and is used to treat thousands of people who suffer from depression and sexual dysfunction caused by depression meds. Cymbalta and Wellbutrin work on different brain chemicals and the medicinal properties of both drugs is well known.

People who use Wellbutrin by itself will lose 12 to 15 pounds in the first few months after starting the drug.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mr B said:


> People who use Wellbutrin by itself will lose 12 to 15 pounds in the first few months after starting the drug.


oh ok. when i worked in the mental hospital we had quite a few women saying they were gaining weight on it, and the doctors told them that was a side effect. so they had to switch to something else. 

I know combination therapy is widely practiced. Ever drug has a side effect, and every side effect has a new drug for it. People are trying to reconstruct their mind by micromanaging every symptom with drugs. The irony is the drugs just seem to create more problems, ones the person didnt have in the first place. I have never in my life met someone it has worked for.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I know combination therapy is widely practiced. Ever drug has a side effect, and every side effect has a new drug for it. People are trying to reconstruct their mind by micromanaging every symptom with drugs. The irony is the drugs just seem to create more problems, ones the person didnt have in the first place. I have never in my life met someone it has worked for.


:iagree: so true, so true.


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## serenity220 (Apr 3, 2009)

Hi Nala

I so know what your going through. Reading your post, I am going through exactly the same thing.

However, we have not ventured down the path of counselling yet, It has been mentioned, but he didnt sound too keen. 

I too love him dearly, and all I want is that connection to finish the complete union again. 

If you ever find the solution let me know. 

I understand how you feel... good luck.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im going for the blunt approach. if your looking for more in this relationship, sorry but your not going to get it.
you wil be a very unhappy woman if you marry. 
sex 5 times in 2 yrs. 
dont u want to share your life, with someone thats wants to share with you in similar needs to your own.

ok we cant have it all.
but this will be your life and you think you can change it once your married. it might increase a little. but i doubt it very much.
you wil always be wanting and you wont be getin.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

true... 

if it's this bad now, then marrying for sure won't make it any better. Can you seek some help? some counseling maybe?

Sex issues are hard enough to fix when you are married, and once kids are in the picture it is even harder. So, seriously consider if this is the life you want.

My hubby adn I have sex issues too, albeit not as bad, we've never gone that long, we were averaging maybe 1 time a month... and now we are doing better. But his issue is with low Testosterone, and stress, and exhaustion, different issues altogether.

Talk to him about this. See if you two can't work it out, if you don't... marrying would be a bad idea.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I agree, if you can't get this worked out soon, then marrying "in front of God" instead of just a civil service is a bad idea.

There are plenty of issues in marriage that come up and you don't want to be sexually frustrated on top of it.

Sit him down and explain that the 2 of you need to do whatever it takes to make sex happen more often, therapy, counseling, whatever it takes, because it is driving you crazy.


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