# Writing a "Last Chance" letter



## plymouth71

It's been 11 days now since my husband choked me during one of our fights. I've been slowly giving away my belongings and stashing clothes, money, a back up cell phone and extra car keys at a friend's house. My mother, 500 miles away, is waiting with open arms to support me and help me out of this mess.

My friends at church want me to try one last thing. They know I can't openly discuss the abuse with my husband but they want me to try writing him a letter. They say the letter should tell him that I love him and that I'm leaving for my own safety and well being but that I am open to the possibility of reconciliation if he can take responsibility for his own behavior and make a commitment to changing.

I'm struggling with what to put in this letter. I want to hold him accountable but not come off with an accusatory tone. That would just make him defensive and more angry. Has anyone else written this kind of letter? What works and what doesn't?


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## unbelievable

"Choking" someone is more accurately called "strangulation" and it's about as close to homicide as one can get without leaving a dead body behind. Matter-of-fact, when I investigate domestic violence complaints and someone has strangulation marks on their neck, I charge the other party with attempted murder. You don't need to slowly pack or write any explanation letters. If I tried to kill someone, I would understand if they didn't want to hang out with me. I wouldn't assume it's because I left dirty socks on the floor. 
Your friends at church weren't strangled, wondering if they wouldn't get another breath or not. If the deadly mechanism had been a machete or a gun instead of his hands, would your letter be the same? Dead is dead. You don't want to be accusatory to someone who literally held your life in their hands and threatened to end it? You have to be kidding. If you lived in my town, I'd have you come to the P.D. and make a report. I'd accuse him for you and charge him with the felonies he's earned.


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## takris

I think your friends may be giving you bad advice. If he seriously choked you and hasn't gotten help, then a simple letter that says "You choked me. Stay away from me" should be almost enough. The final part is to notify the authorities. It is likely that your leaving will be more emotional for him than whatever led up to this fight, and you need to make sure you are safe during this time.


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## Little One

unbelievable said:


> "Choking" someone is more accurately called "strangulation" and it's about as close to homicide as one can get without leaving a dead body behind. Matter-of-fact, when I investigate domestic violence complaints and someone has strangulation marks on their neck, I charge the other party with attempted murder. You don't need to slowly pack or write any explanation letters. If I tried to kill someone, I would understand if they didn't want to hang out with me. I wouldn't assume it's because I left dirty socks on the floor.
> Your friends at church weren't strangled, wondering if they wouldn't get another breath or not. If the deadly mechanism had been a machete or a gun instead of his hands, would your letter be the same? Dead is dead. You don't want to be accusatory to someone who literally held your life in their hands and threatened to end it? You have to be kidding. If you lived in my town, I'd have you come to the P.D. and make a report. I'd accuse him for you and charge him with the felonies he's earned.


:iagree: 

Ive only lurked until I saw THIS. 

With that said: I may very well be out of line here and if so I am very sorry to both members and admin. However, I am compelled to reply to this member out of pure fear for her safety. 

A: With friends like yours, who needs enemies. HORRIBLE ADVICE. You would be better off NOT listening to ANYONE if that is your pool of support resources. 

B: Best Watch that mouth! BETTER OFF keeping your mouth shut around town about this issue. Especially considering YOU DIDN'T PROSECUTE. He could own you for defamation of character for the things you're running around town sharing with congregations and ANYONE else that will listen. ALL you're accusing him of... has NO merit. Short of you 'saying so' - no merit or credibility is afforded to you. 'Your word against mine' doesn't work in court. I would ZIP IT. Fast. Especially if youre in the US.

IF SOMEONE CHOKES YOU - YOU L E A V E. PERIOD - you dont write notes - YOU WRITE DIRECTIONS!!!!!! :scratchhead:

A human CAN NOT choke another human WITHOUT the risk of DEATH. Its not possible to choke someone knowing 'this wont kill them'. Ask all the wife murders locked up... they never thought THAT would kill her! But that did! All he has to do is ACCIDENTALLY hold a tad bit LONGER OR a tad bitTIGHTER and you would be DEAD today.

You should consider yourself lucky! I wish my man had the nads to lay a hand on me - then I wouldn't... like so many here... be fighting with whether or not I SHOULD LEAVE.

Your decisions MADE whether you want to leave or not. You have to. Period. Or when he does kill you - your loving mother can blame ONLY YOU for staying around writing notes. After all, we know he isn't right in the head. So that leaves you being the one of sound mind and body to make decisions. You are solely responsible for your actions.

HE DECIDED YOUR FAITH the moment he put his hands around your throat. Your church ASSOCIATES are not your FRIENDS. These lamers want to squeeze this for all the drama they can make come into fruition. A NOTE? Are you serious? Did you suffer brain damage at the hands of this assault? 

You would HAVE TO HAVE suffered something to even be considering this. You owe him NOTHING. You would look and be foolish to extend this 'note' to that abuser. 

Are you packed yet? Car started? Then what are you waiting for!? The sooner, the better. As he has left with no NO OTHER CHOICE.

If this is harsh - I somewhat apologize HOWEVER, sometimes people are seeing so blindsided that a bit of tough love is what it takes to slap some SENSE into them. All said with compassion - love and in hopes this is received as I intended. Its not meant to be 'nice' but certainly not meant to be mean. Not spoken with a 'tone' other than: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING!!!???


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## unbelievable

"He choked me - but there are no marks." Strangulation has only recently been identified as one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence. When perpetrators use strangulation to silence their victims, this is a form of power and control that has a devastating psychological effect on victims and a potentially fatal outcome.

NYPD Domestic Violence website.


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## jeffreygropp

plymouth71,
Please leave. :[
There's no letter needed PERIOD. You don't need closure. You got it when he touched you. I wish I could instill the confidence needed for you to leave but you need to just GO.

I wish you the best my dear.


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## plymouth71

Well, another day has passed and I've been able to keep the peace at home. In spite of all the wise words here and in another post I made, I'm still here. Maybe I have no self preservation instinct. I just think to myself, I can't leave now, next week is his birthday. I couldn't break his heart on his birthday. Then it will be Thanksgiving and he always tells me how thankful he is for me so I don't want to take myself away from him. Then it will be Christmas and only someone really heartless would leave their spouse at Christmas.

I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted this forum and this community's time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeffreygropp

You wasted no ones time. The next time he physically assaults you, hopefully you'll leave at that point. It's inevitable.


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## Blanca

takris said:


> a simple letter that says "You choked me. Stay away from me" should be almost enough. The final part is to notify the authorities.


:iagree:

Leave the note for him after you've left to stay with your mom. I think coming off as accusatory should be your last worry.


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## unbelievable

Bless your heart! How thankful did he seem when his hands were around your throat? Why celebrate a man's birthday when he was threatening to end all of yours? Your situation is serious and certainly dire enough to justify screwing up Thanksgiving, birthdays, St. Patrick's day, Christmas, 4th of July, Halloween, President's Day, Veteran's Day, and Memorial Day plus all those that end in "y". If his birthday is a downer because he decided to strangle his spouse, that's on him and nobody else. Thanksgiving with you in the ground and he in prison probably wouldn't be much fun, either. We don't all get second chances.


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## bandofgold

I have read your post and I agree with the advice you have been given. Your instinct to flee is right, and you are taking the right steps, with regards to stashing money having a phone etc. Your church friends are not advising you well, if anything they are putting you at further risk. Your husband tried to strangle you, this is very serious and the impression I got from your post is that you know this too. I think you need to get some proper advice, from people who deal with domestic violence, not people from your church. I would also be very cautious about how much you disclose, the less people know, the less risk of your husband finding out. 

Although your intention to give your husband a warning letter is honourable, your husband, by virtue of his behaviours, is not on your level. He is not a rational person, or at least, his behaviour is irrational. The chances are that he will see it, the letter, as humiliation, and this could have serious repercusions for you and your safety. I don't think your husband will receive the letter in the way it has been intended.

Please, please, please seek professional help. Resume your escape plan, but do so safely. Finally, you deserve better than this and I hope you will be ok


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## COGypsy

plymouth71 said:


> Well, another day has passed and I've been able to keep the peace at home. In spite of all the wise words here and in another post I made, I'm still here. Maybe I have no self preservation instinct. I just think to myself, I can't leave now, next week is his birthday. I couldn't break his heart on his birthday. Then it will be Thanksgiving and he always tells me how thankful he is for me so I don't want to take myself away from him. Then it will be Christmas and only someone really heartless would leave their spouse at Christmas.
> 
> I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted this forum and this community's time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You haven't wasted anyone's time--you've gotten one step stronger. Being able to leave is all about steps and look how far you got this time. You had a great plan in place with the money, the phone, your mom....you know how to do all of this when you're ready!

On average it takes 7 times before a woman leaves an abusive relationship for good, so you're just another step closer. We'd just all like to see you safe and out of there, especially given the way things have escalated. When it goes from not letting you leave, to out-and-out life threatening assault, that's huge. I really hope you take everyone's concern seriously. 

We all think you're worth saving and just want so badly for you to feel that way too!

I'd say too, while you're thinking about HIS birthday and Thanksgiving and all...think about this too:

Think about a new "birthday" for _you_: the day you start a brand new life with brand new dreams and goals that are all your own.

Think about your _own_ "Thanksgiving": where you're thankful for a home that's safe and quiet, where you don't have to "keep the peace".

Think about a _truly_ Merry Christmas: where celebrating with friends and family is all you have to do--no managing anyone else's feelings or expectations or moods, just doing what you want to do with whoever you want to do it with.

Just think about some of those things....


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## jeffreygropp

COGypsy said:


> Think about a _truly_ Merry Christmas: where celebrating with friends and family is all you have to do--no managing anyone else's feelings or expectations or moods, just doing what you want to do with whoever you want to do it with.


This made me perk up... wow that's an amazing thought. I know I'd love to have this again.


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## whynotme

Hi Plymouth,

I was once in a similiar situation when my ex husband threatened to punch me during a routine argument. I know how hard it is to leave. After he threatened me, I stayed for another two years building up the courage before I finally left. And I did leave a note.

What helped me was to keep replaying all the awful things my ex was doing to me and focusing on those to help me remember why I was leaving him. That is what gave me resolve. When you love someone, you tend to focus on the good things and forgive the bad, as it sounds like you are doing. That's normal when you love. But your husband has choked you - he is NOT normal and this is NOT a normal situation. You cannot give him more chances to do this to you. The longer you stay, the more he will think he can get away with. You are in danger w/him and leaving is the right thing. Focus on the bad things he has done and tell yourself you CAN NOT stay to put up with it.

One last thing. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ. However I will tell you what my Mom told me. She said church people will always tell you to stay in your marriage. You can't listen to them. Church people are invested in the sanctity of marriage, but they aren't always thinking of what's best for you. I'm sure they mean well, but you are the one living your life. Remember, they are still just people and can make mistakes too. 

Best wishes to you and a safe exit.
-WNM


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## plymouth71

Thanks everyone. I want to let you all know that I have been seeking help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor and women's anger management group. Some of my previous posts are about MY "abuse" of my husband and that's why I'm in so many services but I'm starting to see more clearly and letting my mental health team know the score.

Something else I'm really struggling with is the feeling that I didn't just marry my husband, I married his parents, his family, his friends, etc. They would never believe that my husband is capable of any of this and in fact when I tried to talk to his mother about some of our problems she just about flat out told me I was imagining things. How do I cope with the shame of betraying his community, the community that welcomed me despite my different religion, socio-economic status, etc? These people made us a wedding, gave us gifts, invested their belief in us. I feel so hopelessly guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish

Guilt and fear can tend to rear themselves when big decisions with big impact are on the table. However, abuse should trump those thoughts when it is not safe or healthy to stay.

In reading your other posts, I admire your honesty that you have been a large part of the abuse as well, but it doesn't change the fact that your relationship with your husband is toxic for you both at this time. 

In addtion to the abuse, it is equally disturbing to hear of his controlling behaviors, especially when you went to visit your family...huge red flags there when he said you better be the same when you get home...the constant calls and arguments while you were visiting family, mourning your father's passing. His only concern was that you returned his property (you) the way it was when he let it out of his sight.

What is your purpose for giving him a letter? To leave the door open? The problem with a letter is that if you only address his faults in the marriage, he will likely respond in anger...if you acknowledge your role he may be able to use it against you should the marriage end in divorce.

Keeping your own safety in mind, I would recommend that if you do decide to send him a letter, send it after you arrive safely at your mom's.


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## COGypsy

plymouth71 said:


> Thanks everyone. I want to let you all know that I have been seeking help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor and women's anger management group. Some of my previous posts are about MY "abuse" of my husband and that's why I'm in so many services but I'm starting to see more clearly and letting my mental health team know the score.
> 
> Something else I'm really struggling with is the feeling that I didn't just marry my husband, I married his parents, his family, his friends, etc. They would never believe that my husband is capable of any of this and in fact when I tried to talk to his mother about some of our problems she just about flat out told me I was imagining things. How do I cope with the shame of betraying his community, the community that welcomed me despite my different religion, socio-economic status, etc? These people made us a wedding, gave us gifts, invested their belief in us. I feel so hopelessly guilty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To my way of thinking, you haven't betrayed a dern thing! In fact, if I recall my vows, they involved loving and cherishing, and by his actions, your husband is the one who has betrayed the faith of his upbringing. There is no reason on earth that *you* should have any shame for *his* actions. I can't even think of a faith that condones physical violence between partners, so why should you have any reason to be ashamed when you suffered much greater harm? It's a wonderful thing to have been made so welcome by his community, but by the same token, most people realize that things don't always work out. Even in the worst case, you've been appropriately grateful to these people for what they've given you, but you really have no obligation to live your life *for* them. Your plan before was to go back to your mom's--so even if they were sad or disappointed or whatever, how would that truly affect you moving forward? 

I think so much of the time we assume people will be thinking of us so much more than they really do. I mean, just think about some little detail of how you look that makes you nuts and is all you see--for me, I hate how some damn part of my hair manages to pouf like Easter basket grass no matter how I flat iron it. But I bet you a million gazillion dollars that if you met me, you wouldn't walk away thinking for days about that fuzzy-wuzzy girl. Who do you really spend that much time thinking about? If you walked out the door today, I would bet that you'd be the topic of gossip for a week, if that, but nothing that deserves racking ourselves with guilt.

I can't tell you how much I wish I could communicate to you the message that this life is YOUR life and it's the only one you've got. It's precious and special and I dearly hope that you see that too and can someday soon do everything it takes to create the life you deserve. There's so much out there, I can't wait til you see that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plymouth71

I spoke to my psychologist yesterday and he wants me to consider that my husband is a pretty good guy who when pushed to extremes has engaged in some abusive behavior, but is not himself actually an abusive person. I started a blog to chronicle what goes on in our marriage. It's from a secret account I only check when I'm at school. Chronic Love


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## jeffreygropp

On your blog you say he covered your mouth. Here you say he strangled you. Which is it?


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## plymouth71

In the beginning of the fight, he bent my spine and neck back and clamped his hand over my mouth so I couldn't breathe. Later in the fight, he grabbed me by my throat and threw me to the ground. I believe I said "choked" not "strangled." I couldn't breathe so I'd call that choking, right?


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## jeffreygropp

Technically it is suffocating, but that's semantics. I was just trying to make sure I had the story straight is all. Either way, it's sick.


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## crisis1008

Plymouth71,

Do you want him to change? Do you want to give him another chance?

If you don't, why even write the letter? I am sure that you did not marry someone you thought was dumb. I am sure he will know why you left him.


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## COGypsy

plymouth71 said:


> I spoke to my psychologist yesterday and he wants me to consider that my husband is a pretty good guy who when pushed to extremes has engaged in some abusive behavior, but is not himself actually an abusive person.


So just out of curiosity, what did your psychologist say the benefit to this shift would be? What exactly is the difference between "abusive" and "abusive behavior"? Because, I have to tell you, from a quick read of your blog, the abusive behavior he's consistently demonstrated through power, control, and isolation wasn't from "being pushed to extremes". All of those were present before you talk about either one of you escalating to physical assault.

And as unpleasant as the label "abusive" may be to think about, is it seriously any better to think of him as someone so utterly lacking in self-control that when you do something he doesn't like, the *only* way he has to respond is to throw you down and cut off your air? 

And I'm willing to bet that you're the only person this happens with, right? Somehow he manages to hold himself together when his mom, or his boss or a cop 'pushes him to extremes'? 

However you consider it, whatever label you put on it, the bottom line is that he's a threat to your life. That's all that matters. Not the name of the threat, but simply: how are you going to deal with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plymouth71

I think my psychologist wants me to think as charitably of my husband as I've come to think of myself. As I've previously posted, I have a problem with violence. I hit first, and I'm not talking about little sissy-soap-opera slaps across the face. I punch.

But my counselor at the women's shelter believes that women typically only resort to violence when their human rights are threatened - and that is when I lash out at my husband, when he tells me I can't go somewhere or he takes my keys or my cell phone.

NOT SAYING he deserves to be hit. Not saying "Look what you made me do." But my counselor has finally convinced me that I am not the abuser here.

I shared that sentiment with my psychologist and he said I was avoiding responsibility. So I'm the abuser and my husband isn't? I guess not, since I throw the first punch.


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## COGypsy

What it sounds like your counselor may be looking at that your psychologist isn't is the whole cycle of abuse. It's really not as simple as labeling whoever throws the first punch as the abuser in the relationship. Your counselor is absolutely correct. In the great majority of cases where there is mutual violence, women strike out, or even initiate violence because they feel cornered or threatened over the long term, or else to force an end to stress of a build up to the explosion that they know is coming. It sounds like you're a prime example of the first case.

Just some examples from things you've said (shortened for anonymity and space):

_Isolated, I start telling **** I want to get back into counseling or therapy of some kind. He barks me down, saying it would be a breech of the privacy of our marriage for me to talk to some stranger about our lives. _

_An ex texts me to wish me a happy birthday. *** reads the text and flips out.... Tells me he doesn't trust me not to cheat on him... Watches over my shoulder as I write to ****, telling him to never contact me again. _

_I now fear for my safety. Typically in these fights he will take my keys, cell phone, or block the door so I can't leave to cool off. I will then lash out and hit him (I know this is wrong). He will then defend himself by throwing me to the ground and choking me until I calm down._

All of these things that you've said here and in your blog that you linked to here, show an escalating pattern of isolation and control on his part. If you were the abuser, it would be you that wanted to keep him surrounded only by your family and friends, it would be you that wouldn't let him leave during a fight...do you see? Instead, he's always kept you where he is, with the people that he approves of. And his reactions are way out of proportion to whatever fight you might initiate. If he wanted to just stop an assault, he could restrain your arms, and being larger and stronger, probably do it fairly easily. I've worked with special needs kids nearly my size that were acting out and assaultive and managed it without too much problem. 

He isn't trying to "calm you down" or "defend himself", he's acting with the intent to hurt you to the point that you submit to whatever his demand was in the first place. He's showing you that he's bigger, stronger, louder and that he absolutely holds your life in his hands every time that he does that. How can a few punches, even if you throw them first, compare to that?

I'd be looking for a new psychologist. Seriously. You're going through some really specific issues that you need support for beyond your past incidents and if he can't deal appropriately with the whole picture, he's doing you more harm than good. That's the last thing you need. I'd ask your counselor for some recommendations for someone new ASAP.


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## unbelievable

The counselor at the shelter has her job and the psychologist has theirs. At the shelter, the counselor's job is to protect women, so their advise will reflect that. If he/she's doing marriage counseling, the psychologists' primary goal is likely to save the marriage. If your psychologist also has strong Judeo-Christian religious views, the marriage-saving goal will probably be even more apparent. 
Reality is probably somewhere in the middle. You aren't perfect and neither is your husband. Punching and slapping are assaultive behaviors and it would be great if you didn't or didn't need to. Strangulation is a killing technique. You can punch someone in the nose and later say "Sorry, my bad." Strangle someone long enough and you have a corpse. I have to go to these domestic violence episodes and try to figure out which party is "worse". I look at a number of things. Who was more powerful? Who was more vulnerable? Were the blows defensive or offensive? Was someone trying to escape or bring peace? If I hit a suspect who attacks me, that's justified. If I hit one who is vulnerable because I've restrained him, that's not. Responding to a shove with a punch might be acceptable, but responding with a flame thrower probably wouldn't. If you have persistent anger issues that have caused you to hit or threaten a variety of people, you probably need an adjustment. If you have always been a passive, peaceful person but found yourself punching some clown who cornered you, I would say your assault on him would be reasonable. I'm having a hard time imagining how one could justify choking or strangling an unarmed woman. Incidently, the two terms are not interchangeable. Choking is restricting the airway by inserting something into it. Smothering is restricting breathing by covering the mouth/nose. Suffocation is restricting breathing by removing oxygen from the environment. Strangulation is restricting the airway by applying pressure to the trachea. Fingers around your neck denote strangulation.


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## crisis1008

Plymouth71,

I have read you post about recognizing abuse. You have stated in other posts that you have hit your husband first. If you hit your husband in self-defense, this is not you abusing him. Rather it is him abusing you, and you reacting.

You see, I too hit my husband once. He has never let me live it down, and the abuse that had been going on in my marriage for quite some time was pretty bad.

There was this one time, when my husband was screaming over me to the point that I could take no more, fell to the floor and curled up into the fetal position. As, he continued callin the most disgusting names, I cried and begged him to stop. I was desperate. I was a rat trapped in a corner, backed up into a small space consisting of my bed to my left, a wall to my right, and my nightstand and another wall behind me, as my husband towered in front of me. I was trapped in a space that was about 3'x3'. I lost it. 

As I lay there crying and pleading, something in me snapped. And, just like in a stupid, corny movie right out of the 1920s, I leaped up and began slapping on my husband's chest with both hands. I screamed "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I don't quite remember how many times this came out of my mouth. What I remember next, is him backing up, lifting the front of his shirt to show me the pinkened skin on his chest, and saying "Look at this. Who abuses who now, hah?" I fell right back to the floor.

Now, every therapist I have ever explained this to has always told me that I was not abusing him. Rather, I was defending myself from his mental, emotional, and verbal assault. I truly felt trapped. I was truly terrified.

Sounds to me like maybe you were to.


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