# I can't make a decision



## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

This is my second post. My first one was about still trying or letting my marriage die. I've been trying. I read my husband a letter that told him what I would like from our marriage. I said that I loved him and I wanted it to work. I told him I can't expect him to know what I want if I don't tell him. He laughed when I told him that I never cheated and I never wanted anyone but him. He pulled up this picture on his computer (very long story) that he said he got from my cell phone that showed me having sex with someone else. It was a blur of lights that looks like a picture that my 2 year old took. I've never been with anyone else, and he's been showing me these pictures of lights that he says is me with someone else for a year now. He said the marriage was over. I felt a slight relief - just knowing that I could go in ANY direction. But then he changed his mind, refused to leave, and told me that since I was the unhappy one, not him, I should get my own place and leave the children with him. Of course I would never do that. So I said I would just keep trying. When we talk, he only digs up the past. He brings up things I said in anger 6 years ago! I'm constantly defending myself against his allegations. I've always changed my life to please him. I have no friends, I gave up everything because he didn't like it. Now I have nothing, except for my 2 beautiful children and a good job. I can't work on myself because I'm afraid of his reaction. He wouldn't hurt me physically - it's just the terrible things he says to me hurt so much I would do almost anything to prevent hearing them. And I don't want my children to resent me for taking them away from their father. And I don't know if he could take the children away from me (I have been on anti-depressants for 3 years, since my youngest was born. I tried to stop taking them and had a nervous breakdown over my marriage problems, and had to stay in a hospital for 3 days). Can he get the kids because of that? And what if I leave and I'm unhappy being alone? What if the children are unhappy without him? We don't fight any more, so it's not necessary for the children to be taken out of the house. He doesn't call me, won't talk about problems, never hugs me or kisses me without me initiating it, he never compliments me, and never says he loves me unless I say it first. But he is a good father, so would it be selfish of me to leave? I'm just so afraid of everything.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

He is controlling you with accusation, the blame game and the guilt trips. Even to the point that you are afraid to improve yourself in fear of making him angry. As long as he has the strings nothing will change. I suggest you begin to work on yourself in what ever manner you think best. Keep it up front so he is aware and defend your right to do so. You are not being selfish in wanting to leave the marriage. It is not an environment I would want my kids to be brought up in.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

alone in love said:


> This is my second post. My first one was about still trying or letting my marriage die. I've been trying. I read my husband a letter that told him what I would like from our marriage. I said that I loved him and I wanted it to work. I told him I can't expect him to know what I want if I don't tell him. He laughed when I told him that I never cheated and I never wanted anyone but him. He pulled up this picture on his computer (very long story) that he said he got from my cell phone that showed me having sex with someone else. It was a blur of lights that looks like a picture that my 2 year old took. I've never been with anyone else, and he's been showing me these pictures of lights that he says is me with someone else for a year now. He said the marriage was over. I felt a slight relief - just knowing that I could go in ANY direction. But then he changed his mind, refused to leave, and told me that since I was the unhappy one, not him, I should get my own place and leave the children with him. Of course I would never do that. So I said I would just keep trying. When we talk, he only digs up the past. He brings up things I said in anger 6 years ago! I'm constantly defending myself against his allegations. I've always changed my life to please him. I have no friends, I gave up everything because he didn't like it. Now I have nothing, except for my 2 beautiful children and a good job. I can't work on myself because I'm afraid of his reaction. He wouldn't hurt me physically - it's just the terrible things he says to me hurt so much I would do almost anything to prevent hearing them. And I don't want my children to resent me for taking them away from their father. And I don't know if he could take the children away from me (I have been on anti-depressants for 3 years, since my youngest was born. I tried to stop taking them and had a nervous breakdown over my marriage problems, and had to stay in a hospital for 3 days). Can he get the kids because of that? And what if I leave and I'm unhappy being alone? What if the children are unhappy without him? We don't fight any more, so it's not necessary for the children to be taken out of the house. He doesn't call me, won't talk about problems, never hugs me or kisses me without me initiating it, he never compliments me, and never says he loves me unless I say it first. But he is a good father, so would it be selfish of me to leave? I'm just so afraid of everything.


I am sooooo in the same boat. I feel for you - hang in there...


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Imlost -
Is your situation like mine? What are you doing about it? I have pretty low self esteem (especially right now) and I'm so timid sometimes that I don't know if I am capable of doing anything about my situation. I want to hear about anyone that has problems like mine so I can get some inspiration, and maybe work on getting up courage to make changes in my life.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Alone, your story brings up a lot of red flags for me.
From your story I read that your husband might (possibly) have some mental health problems, or at the least, paranoia.

It also sounds like there are some elements of emotional abuse and codependency happening.

I suggest that you talk with a professional about this, a therapist preferably.

No one deserves to have their self esteem battered down. Of course you should be able to work on yourself without fear of retribution from him- remember that mental and emotional abuse is just as bad, if not sometimes worse that physical.
Get some help, you deserve it.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

Imlost said:


> I am sooooo in the same boat. I feel for you - hang in there...


Soooo similar in just about every way. My hubby is controlling and unhappy. I cannot do anything right and he is sure I had sex with another man when I finally did work up the courage to leave him for a month or so YEARS ago. I did not have sex with anyone. He has been horrible to me in everyway since we met. He has not cheated on me, but I think that is just because he is too lazy to do so. 

I do it all in the relationship - he does not work. He doesn't cook nor clean. I have no friends nor am I allowed to have friends. I am a very social, outgoing person....he hates that about me. If I am at the grocery store for too long I have surely met a cute check out boy and have bedded him in the parking lot. It's crazy some of the stuff he comes up with. He calls me non stop if I happen to get away from him for more than 5 minutes. He texts me and if I miss a call or a text holy hell breaks loose. He misses my calls a lot. I never say a word about it, secretly I am relieved. He will claim I never called him back when my phone clearly shows that I did. He says I ignore his calls and send him to voicemail (which I have NEVER done - I know what would happen if I even thought of doing that). 

I make the money yet I am scarred to share any financial burdens with him becasue he flies off the handle and blames me for ruining his life if we're short on money one week. nothing I do is ever good enough. He doesn't acknowlege my existance unless he needs me to do something for him or he needs money. 

Now that I have painted this ugly picture let me also tell you that he is a great dad. He loves our son and I think he is a wonderful parent. That may be all that he is good at, but he is certainly good at that. And, that is why I stay. He comes from a mother that is a She Devil. The woman has made it very clear that if I leave him she will fight me tooth and nail for custody of my son. She is wealthy and can afford to clean me out. I cannot spend a night without my son. I know that if I leave he will go to her and stay. Which means my son will be exposed to her - she has a serious drinking problem and anger issues. My hubby has his own addictions. It's a toxic enviornment for sure. More toxic than the one I can barely maintain at home. I feel like I owe it to my son to put up with this until he is in college at least. 

It's soooo hard. I miss my friends....I miss my family.....I love my son with all my heart and want to do what is best for him. It's so hard....


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Imlost -
I'm sorry for your pain. I am a little relieved to know that i'm not the only one in this situation, as selfish as that sounds. I know what you mean about missing calls. If I miss a call I'm either with someone else or playing a game. My husband has had some very good times when I knew that he loved me. But once I feel good, he thinks I must be doing something, and he cuts me down. Like you, I miss having friends, talking on the phone, seeing my family. I have a cloud of suspicion over my head and I can't get rid of it. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer to find out what you can do to prevent a bitter battle. You need proof and documentation of what you go through. You are the mom, and that is a powerful thing. Even if you can't sneak away to see a lawyer, maybe you can get a phone appointment. You don't want your son to grow up thinking that it's okay to treat ANYONE like that. And I don't want my daughters to grow up thinking they have to accept what I have accepted. It seems like my husband has been in a bad mood for 15 years, and I don't think he ever trusted me. If he found out about me writing in this forum, there would be hell to pay! I have had a couple of friends, and he didn't like them, or he was suspicious of them, so I don't talk to them any more. I don't take the kids anywhere because I'm afraid of what he'll say. Living in fear is not living at all. You hang in there too.
And Peacefully -
Thank You. I have seen therapist and psychiatrists. But my husband's paranoia can only be fixed by him, and he refuses to admit that he could be wrong about any of his accusations. And he had to watch the children for an hour while I went for therapy, and that led to more anger and accusations. And I agree that emotional abuse is more damaging than physical. The things he accused me of doing were so untrue, and left me wondering how this man that I've always loved could believe that I am such a ****, sneak, and liar. It's a pain that I don't think will ever completely go away.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm so sorry for the pain you ladies are going through. I have no advice.

I have tried during my marriage to always respect my wife not be verbally abusive, even when we argue. I think that turned me into a doormat. It's such a balancing act in a marriage.

Hang in there and remember that emotional abuse is still abuse.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I was where you gals are when I was in my first marriage. i had completely lost myself. I don't know if it works this way for anyone else, but I was sitting on the couch one day, just thinking, and it hit me.....I was done.

It was a 15 year marriage with 4 children. My husband, however, was not a very good father.

I did not want my children thinking that this was what a marriage was. I did not want my 3 boys thinking that was how you treated your wife. There wasn't any physical abuse (anymore, after I'd had him arrested one time), but there was mental abuse...which is what you are experiencing.

There are tons of agencies out there who help women in your situation. They can give you a list of what institutes abuse, and you'll be suprised how many of your husband's actions are on there.

That being said. I don't know how a judge would view the taking of anti-depressants. I know that there are a heck of a lot of people out there who take them.

I want to also warn you that I went through a year and a half of hell with my divorce. My oldest son pretty much hated me for about 9 months too. 

Now, I am married to a wonderful man (5 years now). He is a better father to my kids than their natual father. My oldest son and I are closer than ever before. I think my ex is a better father than he was before. For me, it was worth it. You just need to look deep into your own situation to make a decision that is best for you.

Finally, no matter what you choose, DO NOT give up on improving yourself. You and your children will be all the better for it! Hang in there!


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Thank you scarletblue. It's nice to know that there is life after death of a marriage. What agencies are you talking about? I'm interested to see if what I've always considered personality quirks and paranoia are actually abuse. I used to be such a strong, resilient person.... The combination of post partum depression and marriage problems have erased all that. But I will get my strength back, because my girls deserve the best that the world has to offer. Thank you. And congratulations for turning your life around and finding the happiness you deserve!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

The agencies I am referring to are usually called battered women's shelters. They are a lot more than that though. Personally, I got a packet from a police officer with information about abuse.

I had been a very outgoing person and realized that I didn't even make eye contact with people anymore. 

I bet you can even google the information.

Bottom line......YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS TOO!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Sven said:


> I'm so sorry for the pain you ladies are going through. I have no advice.
> 
> I have tried during my marriage to always respect my wife not be verbally abusive, even when we argue. I think that turned me into a doormat. It's such a balancing act in a marriage.
> 
> Hang in there and remember that emotional abuse is still abuse.


wow reading what you posted right here makes me wounder if im not become a door mat too, and i dont even have her in my life hardly at all right now and wish she was to see the changes but im so complacent right now sometimes i just want to scream but i no now it does no good and only hurts others so i just relax take a minute and collect myself so in ways i dont no if we are doormats maybe just guys that have learned to change and sometimes feel the need to let out but no its wrong and havent figured out how to be at peace with it totally yet but i do no im trying and willing to try for the ones i love in life cause they are worth anything so i just keep focused and working on it and working on winning her trust and heart back again outside of that that is all i can say to what you posted above


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