# Conflicted and Confused



## Marton2 (Sep 7, 2017)

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

On 7th June 2017 I confronted my wife and told her that I was not happy with our marriage and I felt that she was creating an obvious distance between us. We appeared to the world as the perfect Christian couple but she went on to confess she had feelings for a work colleague and didn't know how she felt about me either. She claims she had not physically cheated at this stage but was probably having an emotional affair. We had only been married for 2 years although we had been in a relationship for 8 years before finally tying the knot.

Initially our separation was a pretty poor effort, we continued to sleep in the same bed and have sex. However, seeing as nothing was changing in terms of our feelings, I moved in to the spare room. 3 months down the line and we are now seperated albeit still living in the same house. I have just had my remortgage application approved and I intend to buy her out of the house by the end of October. 

In the last three months my wife has pursued the relationship with the work colleague mentioned earlier and she is clearly infatuated by him. Initially I felt devastated but in all reality I have no feelings whatsoever about the relationship. In fact the other guy has left his wife for 'mine' and I know they have been looking for a house together. I almost feel sorry for them and definitely for the other guy's family.

About two weeks ago I returned from a once in a life time holiday and was surprised to hear my wife ask if we could try and make things work out. I was flabbergasted. If she had said this a few weeks in to the separation I probably would have jumped at the chance, but when she said it I felt absolutely nothing. In the past days she has been coming over and touching me and is being extremely provocative. In fact tonight, there was a moment where I thought she was going to try and kiss me before I withdrew from the situation. The fact that she has had a physical relationship with the other guy actually repulsed me.

I am a very private guy and this probably comes from the intense level of professionalism that I maintain at work. I have only told my mum and dad about the separation and have not told any of my other friends or family despite being seperated for 3 months now. People are now beginning to ask questions about my relationship and there is a colleague at work who has been talking about my marriage when I am not around. They have probably noticed the lack of Facebook updates and unwillingness to talk about my wife for too long in conversation. In addition my willingness to play stupid games like 'snog, marry, avoid' at a recent work night out. I don't really want to tell people at work and most importantly I don't want to experience the heartbreak I know that this news is going to cause my family. But.. I know this is going to have to happen at some point, I just don't know how to approach it.

To complicate things further, I have developed feelings for a married co-worker and I believe that to an extent these feelings are reciprocated. She regularly messages me on social media with more than a subtle hint of flirting and displays all of the typical body language that implies interest. I'm probably infatuated with her and it may blow over, but she definitely has me beyond intrigued.

Stuck in a rut and looking to get out before this affects my family and job.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One easy, the other "less" easy.

Easy: Divorce your wife. She did not give you a heads up that she was dissatisfied in the marriage, prior to her Affair. You had to ask her what the problem was.
Now she wants to reconcile? After giving the guy a test ride in her bumper car. Uh, no. This dodo will not fly. You will resent her forever. You will have mind movies about them screwing forever. 

You invested ten years into this women. She threw that away in a matter of months.

Three months ago she said she does not know how she feels about you. Now she does?

She is flaky and unstable. 

Yes, she has come out of the Affair Fog. She realizes she messed up with this guy. He ain't such a Peach after all. He is a cheater and a Rotten Apple.
Oh, he shined his Apple for your wife, he waxed it with Carnuba, put Alar on it to keep it from spoiling too quick. Bozo did not put enough on it.
He looked good on the outside. When she bit into the center of POSOM he was mushy and brown.

And the shine he put on his Peckerwood Plant wore off too. It was not too effective nor tasty, Methinks.
......................................................................................................................................................................

On the 'Not so Easy" solution:

The other woman at work, whom you are infatuated with...
Take no action. This is foolish and will make you look bad to others, also.

Tell her your woes, explain to her that you are going through a painful divorce. 
Tell her when the divorce is final you will be looking for a replacement.

Note: Does this women know you are married? And all the facts? No, right?
Is she trying to have an affair with a married man? If so, keep that in mind.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all do nothing about the woman at work.You do not want to to break up another family,its bad enough your own marriage is seemingly over without you contributing to the breakup of someone else's.
Your wife has more than likely either being dumped by her boyfriend or else she has came out of the fog.It is fairly common for a man who is having an affair and eventually leaves his wife to dump his affair partner also.He is free and single now,doesn't need to sneak around so has more options and your wife isn't up to scratch perhaps..Either way it isn't much consolation to you,life as plan B is nothing to be proud of.
If you really have reached a point of indifference then do not start getting closer to your wife.She has shown you who she is,believe her.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You are plan B the other relationship didn't work out so now she wants you back.

I would move on.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leave your coworker alone, and divorce your wife. What disgusting behavior on her part. If you stay in the marriage, you will be right back here at some point with the same exact issue again.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

1) You don't sound separated. Living in a spare bedroom is better than nothing but still not as good as no contact living separately. Yes, it's harder financially but welcome to real separated/divorce life! A couple months truely separated will help you answer the divorce question better. 

2) What are the chances your co worker is a woman worth investing in if she is still married and open to another relationship? Slim to none? Sounds like you are looking to jump out of the frying pan into the pot. Why bother with women who are not emotionally available for a relationship? In my experience people are at their best at work or they will be fired. This is not absolutely the best place to see someone and replace your spouse with them before genuine dating, and getting to know them outside the work place. Trying to compare a long term relationship to a silly flirtation at work is just dumb. (It's kind of a sore spot for me). Turns out there are lots of dumb people who will gamble their families away for their "soulmate" from work. Later reality b**ch slaps them and it's too late. Poor character and shallowness has been revealed. People ok with cheating are a bad investment.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marton2 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read this.
> 
> ...


1. hurry up and give your WW divorce papers
2. Tell everyone what has happened, it is on her, if you do not, she will rewrite history, do not let her
3. Start your healing, go to gym, get counselling, etc but do NOT get involved with a married woman

You ought to know better considering that is what the OM did to you, he took your wife, a married woman. Incidentally, you call yourself Christian? I do not understand how that label is bandied around by people in adultery.

Take time to heal and move on, the right one will come along.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hey, @Marton2

How is it going? You need to keep posting. Else, this post will go to the bottom of the buffer.

It will buff-her, your wayward wife up.

Why?

Thousands of readers at TAM will no longer send her nasty vibes.......nasty grams of the mental variety.

You think that this is a bogus claim! Boy, are you mistaken.

Ill will, transcends words and actions. It sets a precedence. 
Bad JuJu, if you will. 
Ones mental health goes wacky first, then unexplained accidents, unfortunate occurences.
I call it, "An Evil Train of Events". Hey look, the train has already left the station. Oh yeah, Ask her!

Yes, yes. She started up the train. She did this action first. Again my lovelies, that is simply not true. Remember those outside forces that I keep espousing.

Oh, I know, SunC talking his crap again!

I love you guys and gals, you foolish children. Not of my making.

Note: I too am under the "Spell" of external influences. A messenger. Chew on that. Don't spit it out. Swallow the whole gob. Yum!


----------



## Marton2 (Sep 7, 2017)

Thanks for your initial replies and thoughts.

On Friday night we had a work night out and on the Saturday morning I woke up to picture messages of old Christmas cards to my wife with sweet words implying I will always love her. She was asking if this is still the case? We exchanged a few messages which were amicable and then I receive a picture of a cake she made, she never bakes. 

To my surprise I then return home to her demanding that I up the financial settlement agreed. I had agreed to give her £15,000 from the equity in the house but she recons she now wants at least £17,000. We had a blazing row and she storms out in to the street crying.

This morning I wake up to breakfast in bed. This is not good for me, I love my job but at the moment I dread weekends and evenings because she is still in my house. I have tried to arrange meals with friends, attend free lectures, go running and enrolled at a dance class to keep me busy but she is still in the house when I come home. I said last night that she should move back in with her parents, but she is refusing to budge until the financial settlement is paid. The solicitors anticipate at least 4 weeks for this to go through.

On the work colleague front, she sure is an enchantress. Apparently she has been talking with other colleagues about how if she was single she would love to date/marry me. I have too much respect for myself and for her to pursue her. Our values are very much in line and we both no the reality is that this just can not happen.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife is the Enchantress. Trying to snag more Pounds out of your billfold.

You know, Old Chap, lighten you up, Marton. Make the butt bulge slimmer.

The lady at work......let her do the separating. No help from your quarter.

And think about that very notion.

A married women on the prowl. Voicing her desires, aloud, mind you!

Wishing, first fishing, wanting to jump from one warm bed to....... yours.

She is signaling. Hoping you tune in. If you do, the cleaving from the old man to you will follow.

You will be getting a women in transition, a women in motion.

I wonder, pray tell, where will her final landing place be?

In your lap, her arms around your neck. Her long legs wrapped around your bum.

And for how long? Until another Marton, a royal feathered Purple Martin, her eyes do see?

Be careful. Do not another husband do tear, his dear love from his grasp.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Hey, @Marton2
> 
> How is it going? You need to keep posting. Else, this post will go to the bottom of the buffer.
> 
> ...



Like a curse? The curse of the betrayed. :surprise:


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, now is the time for you to place your confusion and being conflicted aside. The confusion comes from outside stimuli and the confliction arises from your reaction to it. In both cases the intent is the same, it is to keep you in limbo land until the outside stimuli (your STBXW) lands on her feet. I went thru the same gamut of emotions when my Ex left. She even played the same games that yours is playing. I was focused on her and the relationship and she knew it. She is focused on herself and trying to get the nest deal she can - she isn't sure about her feelings for you, because she doesn't know if the next guy will end up being a better opportunity for her. Later she wants to reconcile, because she is thinking maybe this next guy isn't going to work out for her. She is agreeable to separation, because at first she still got what she wanted (sex). Then she is not because you cut that off. Now she wants more money. In the meantime you are always reacting. So stop reacting and start acting. Take control of your life and your emotions. In the short term, decide if this is acceptable to you, which I think you already know that it isn't. Stop being confused by her actions, because they do not matter to what you want.

BTW - give her the extra 2000 just to be rid of her. If you fight it you will probably spend way more than that enriching an attorney and only prolong your misery. he best thing you can do for yourself is to get this over and done with so you can start to move on more quickly.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get your STBXW gone as fast as possible. Don't waste another second on this. 

I suspect her other man has like most went back to his wife. Now she's zeroing in on you for plan B until another comes along.

Stay far away from the married woman look at what these affairs do as in your case.

You've recovered pretty nicely and realized you have no future with your STBXW unlike most who will let themselves be strung along.

Now finish it!!!!!!!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On your cheatin' wife..
On your' cheatin' co-worker...yes she is crossing boundaries in her marriage.

On your' response to this cheatin'..

You want to join in that...dive in the Cheat River...that, now warm, fast running stream in West, by God.

Feel the warm water course over your body, feel it jiggle and wag your soft wiggler.

Take you over the rocks, beat your head against the Headboard of "Hell come High Water", give me some of that loving.

Women do that to men. I love em'. I fear them!


----------

