# Recently diagnosed with BPD



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Hi all, after a recent episode, in which I lost all control of my actions, I decided that I needed serious help or I would completely lose my mind. I went to see a doctor and he prescribed me an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. He said it was clear that I had issues with impulse control and emotional regulation. I am due to visit him again in 20 days and I intend to stick to my treatment diligently. Added to that my husband and I have been in MC for about 4 months now. It has helped reduce the frequency of my episodes but the intensity is still the same. 

I feel like a horrible, abusive monster right now. Two days ago he did something insignificant that triggered my fears of abandonment and it was a downward spiral from there. We got into a shouting match, I started throwing things around and in the end I even physically pushed him a few times. Now I feel terrible to say the least. I apologized but I don't think that's enough. The only thing I can do is try to get better no matter what, and stick to my treatment. I fear he is going to leave me, after all the hell I have put him through :crying:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Does he know of your diagnosis? Perhaps you both need a little space from each other right now.
Go an confide in friends.

What were you fighting about? You need to engage in mindfulness in order to recognise the triggers and tell him it is happening or learn to remove yourself. See specialist counselling to learn how to handle these situations when they arise.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

aine said:


> Does he know of your diagnosis? Perhaps you both need a little space from each other right now.
> Go an confide in friends.
> 
> What were you fighting about? You need to engage in mindfulness in order to recognise the triggers and tell him it is happening or learn to remove yourself. See specialist counselling to learn how to handle these situations when they arise.


Yes he knows. It began with a very mundane discussion about who should go fix the lights in our dance studio. Then he said something about how he always does things while on his way back from work. I said I do too, to which he said that I don't really go out of my way. I got triggered and it spiraled out of control. 

Yes I am going to do whatever it takes to get better. We are taking some space right now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The mind is a seemingly separate, wondrous thing. It is not separate, it is part of our total 'being'.
Yet, it seems to be a separating thing, separating us from others, from reality.

It has a mind of its own, imagine that. :smile2:
How can one control something that one does not 'really' own.

It is owned by the gray proteins, so much so, by the chemicals that energize it, that make it up.
Make it up or down...
Or going around in dizzying circles.

Know guilt, but feel no guilt in your search for stability.

God handed us a brain, 
He did not deliver it with any detailed instructions, not with any diagnostic tools, nor with a parts and repair manual.

We are so delicate, our bodies so intricate.
Lovely things.... our bodies, our minds, until things go haywire.

Then Heaven flips to Hell.

Keep fighting, gain control over that which is heading south, it having bought tickets from a scalper.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

Just want to say kudos to you for getting a diagnosis and being committed to treatment. Honestly, it's very unusual for someone with BPD to seek help. One of the typical features of the disorder is a refusal by the person to accept that there is anything amiss with their thinking and approach - everything is always everybody else's fault.

I know because my mother was BPD (I recognize this in retrospect) and she never, ever acknowledged that there was anything wrong with her controlling, her rages and over the top reactions. As a result, my father and siblings and I lived in hell for years - all of us kids ended up with some degree of emotional maladjustment (I'm the most normal, scary thought, lol). It's also the reason I was estranged from her for years. 

So I want to tell you that recognizing you do have an issue and working on your fears and reactions is a great thing and tells me you have better days ahead. Hang in there!


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

My wife has always told me I was "missing something that normal people have" because she said I did some things with no remorse that I should recognize as being hurtful, but I do not? She would ask me if I knew what I just did or said and after continued questioning and my lack of understanding, as to what the heck she was talking about, she would finally realize I was not trying to hide what I did, I really had no idea what I did that she or someone else would take offence to or see as hurtful? One of my biggest fears has always been abandonment, especially after we got together. I never fully understood it, but I do trace it back to an early childhood memory, that even now almost 50 years later I can still replay in my mind so vividly. My mother and my father was fighting and my mother stormed out the door and told my father one day she was going to leave and never come back, then she went out to the car and drove away. I remember standing there and feeling a fear like I had never felt before, that she would not return. The only other person in the world who has ever struck that same fear in me is my wife on a few occasions, to which I reacted quite badly to, and those were some dark thoughts. I have always had mood swings from loving thoughts of her, to the slightest thing convinces me she is intentionally trying to hurt me, which causes a deep hatred to come out accompanied by anger. I have done things in that state though the years which I wish I could redo. Never to harm someone, but I have destroyed many belongings trying to work through the fear and anger. I do not remember having self harm thoughts, as far as suicide goes? I can say I have been in states where my well being did not matter to me, but I do not think that is the same thing? 

I said all of that to say this. I always just thought "That is just how I am" "This is just normal!!" After all I had seen many of the same attributes in my father. It was not until we started having real marital problems and started seeking help though counseling that I realized it is not "Just the way I am" there is an explanation for "the way I am". That is also when we learned what a toxic pair my wife and I made. The more fearful I became that she may leave me, the more anger I felt, the more anger I showed, the more she withdrew! The more she withdrew, the more it reinforces my thought that she was leaving me!! It turns into a vicious circle. I am not saying she does not bear some blame in the problems we are currently having, as she has issues of her own. What I am saying is finally finding out what BPD is and identifying the signs and symptoms has helped me recognize my actions, recognize the triggers and recognize the pattern of behavior I can fall into. I have no idea that I will ever be "fixed", and to be honest I don't know that I need fixing? I work in a field where at times my lack of empathy towards others allows me to do what is needed in a bad situation without being affected with feelings, that may cause others to pause! With my new information about what BPD is I have been able to watch other peoples conversations after an event at work and see clearly that "normal" people are affected by bad things in ways that I am not? I don't think that makes me mean? I think like my wife said, something is just missing in me?

The part I struggle with is recognizing my tone and body language, still working on that? I know at times I come across as upset or even mad, when that is not my intent. Again, hearing someone I know make a comment, then being able to compare that to what I know BPD is has helped me at least identify a problem area, even if I am struggling to work on that area?

What I am saying is to anyone who has a problem area in their life that seems to be a reoccurring issue, it is well worth your time to seek a professional trained to recognize the behaviors and patterns and help identify your particular issue. Armed with that information you can make a conscious effort to deal with situations better. I know it has helped me! Don't spent your life like I did thinking "This is just how I am, nothing I can o about it"


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

I am no psychiatrist or therapist. My response is only first hand experience.

First, congratulations. It seems like a weird thing to say but you reached out for help. It took me being hospitalized to force my hand, so to speak, about being on medication and acknowledging the issue in general.

Some people can go to therapy and manage their mental health. Some need therapy and medication. Some need medication for a short duration to help with a “blip” in their life. Again, I am no doctor but in my experience with BPD medication alone cannot “fix” how you feel. You mentioned MC, do you do any individual therapy? 

I understand those fears of abandonment. I worried for years that after any of my up/down episodes it would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Was this the time he would say he has had enough and leave? The depression side of the disorder loved that. I would start thinking everything was all my fault and I was a terrible person. Then I would be angry and explode because I was shoving all of it down. My BPD was in the driver’s seat and having a fantastic time. It controlled me instead of me being in control of it.

Yes I hurt my husband and our family with some of the up and down behavior. I had to accept it and forgive myself (that was hard as hell). I asked my husband a few years ago why he has stayed. He told me that when we married he bought a ticket to ride this rollercoaster with me.

I wish you the very best as you start this process!


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