# I need Help!!



## CGguy (Nov 16, 2011)

Hi everyone. So I'm sure you've all probably heard a similar story before, but I'm hoping by telling you mine someone can give me some advice. My wife and I have been married 4 years, together 9. I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. She is with us about 90% of the time. We have had our battles over the years. We are both very strong type A personalities, and have had some pretty good knockout - drag out battles (verbal only of course). I know she harbor's resentment towards me for things she feels I have done to slight her in the past. Things like; not backing her up with my daughter, being selfish, financial issues etc. 

Her biggest resentment is that she always put my daughter and I first and doesn't feel that I reciprocated. I look back now and realize I took her for granted in the past. But I also feel as though I have grown a lot in this regard, even in the last year. I have grown to respect and care for her more now than ever. 

But, I noticed in the last year she has rapidly started to pull away. I have tried to keep it together by making a much bigger effort in doing the little things that show her that I care, but she keeps pulling away. Obviously the sex is non-existant, and about 3 weeks ago she said that she needed space to think about what she wants and what will make her happy. In other words, she is saying that she needs time to see if she wants to be in our marriage still. We have had open dialogues face to face and through email about her feelings, but I still feel she shares more with her friend than she does with me (which is a whole other set of issues). At first I had suspicions that she was cheating on me, but I think I am probably just being paranoid. She is not the cheating type and neither am I. 

She says she still loves me, and will still hold my hand and things like that, so I'm getting major mixed signals here. She talks about things to do with our family in the future, but then when I confront her about what is going on, she just says she needs time/space. I feel so broken. I feel she is betraying me by talking about her feelings with her friend and not me. I have told her I will do anything to save our marriage. But until she makes this "decision", I am left on an Island which feels like it is slowly sinking. 
There is alot more to this than I can write obviously. So I'm sure I've missed something, but hopefully you get the overall picture. I love this woman with all of my heart. I have contacted a councelor and am hoping she will be willing to go. Anyone out there have any good ideas. I've officially run out of words to describe to her how much I care, and want to work on things. I feel like I am just wasting my breathe now. Thanks everyone


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## cherrymamajb87 (Nov 9, 2011)

Ive learned during my near 6 month separation that there is nothing you can say that will make her decision come any faster. You have to giver her the time that she needs or walk away. Continue to do all those "little" things as long as she will let you. If she is still talking about the future then she has not made the decision that there won't be one, yet. Just hold out and hold on, I hope things get better soon for you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

There is no quick fix....you don't need a counselor

Stop trying for that. This will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Here is a suggestion....

1. Write her a heartfelt apology letter it needs to be sincere and a great apology. Read it to her and give it to her.
2. Tell her you know you damaged the marriage and that you want to learn from your mistakes and take a path of becoming a better man. Tell her it's your personal journey you need to take for yourself.
3. Ask her if she would be ok with receiving updates as you discover new things that make you a better man.
4. If she says yes...GREAT
5. If she says no...GREAT (Give her a card that she can always use to get an update if she wants)
6. LET HER GO.... I MEAN IT LET HER GO.
7. Learn all you can about women's needs as you find new discoveries tell her about them and start doing them to her without fail. Give her your first "update" after a full month of research. Let her have lots of space. Be upbeat and happy anytime you see her. Give her new "updates" every few weeks thereafter with new behaviors in place.

Continue this for six months (no sex unless she wants and approaches you)

8. Ask her on a date to introduce to her the new improved and confident you... don't push sex.
9. Let her come back to you... a better man. One she can respect.

Two things happen... 

1. She sees that you made changes and respects you as her best option
2. She doesn't however you are now prepared for the dating scene.

Based on what you wrote...she will choose 1.

Have a plan and execute it to perfection.


Good Luck


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

CGguy said:


> At first I had suspicions that she was cheating on me, but I think I am probably just being paranoid. She is not the cheating type and neither am I.


My W wasn't the cheating type either.

You need to look into this anyway, I didn't think in a million years that my W would have an A so I didn't give it much thought until my brother told me she was. I laughed at him then confronted her and she confessed. I had trouble believing HER telling me she was having an A.

She may not be but don't rule it out. 90% of the time there's someone else. Women have a hard time leaving a M without some kind of backup in the wings.


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## CGguy (Nov 16, 2011)

Well there is an update of sorts. I did write a letter, and it didn't quite have the affect that I was hoping for. She understood my position, and did thank me for expressing my feelings but said she still needed time. After thinking about it for a couple days, I am starting to think maybe there is other things behind this than I thought. We had a really good talk two nights ago, and I think she has reconsidered leaving which really made me happy. But listening to her I think maybe some or a lot of this is being caused by depression like symptoms. She was laid off for the second time in a couple years about 4 months ago. It really hit her hard. Things between us weren't great to start, but they really got awful after that. No sex, she's acting distant, always saying she's tired. Just overall in a fowl mood most of the time. So I think this really brought forth thoughts of resentment towards me, because she gave up a lot to be with me because I have a daughter and refused to move to a different state. Plus I have a good job here, and moving was basically really scary for me. But I think my refusal really hurt her. As she says, "I feel stuck". 

She is supposed to get a job offer today. I'm hoping she does, and some of her mood changes. I know that I still have to put in my work to get our marriage back on track because this is not the only reason we are were we are. But I do think counceling will help if we find the right person. Thanks for the reply's. Any more advice I'm open. thanks again.


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