# I DO NOT want to Cheat!!!!



## southerngreeneyes (Jul 28, 2013)

I love my guy so much & I do not want to cheat! 

But why oh why does he ALWAYS have to leave me hanging lately! 

Please ..... I know many of you have been through so much .. I really won't ever cheat. Trust me .. I've been through much worse myself .. A dumb title but I had that thought for about 1.1 seconds while he's snoring & I'm still laying there horny as hell. AGAIN!

I've been lurking here awhile! And I've got a divorce story that will just about beat all which I will share at some point. 

But right now I just need to vent  ..... 

My finance & I have been together almost 2 years. I have learned sooooo very much from this site & have spent quite a bit of time here :-/ 

I am just sooooooo sexually frustrated! 

A bit of background ... fiance & I dated 20 + years ago .. He and I were actually each others "1 st" way back when, highschool sweethearts! We reunited after my divorce. 

My past marriage of 14 yrs was basically sexless ..his choice not mine! I knew I could NEVER go through that again. And to be quite honest I learned ALOT about my body & sexuality in the months following our divorce. Nothing like learning to take care of yourself after all those years lol ..... 

Now I met up w/ my old ex-flame ... He is VERY sexual .. Right up my alley .. or so it seems for the 1st year or so. 

Here's my problem ... My man loves sex .. yeah finally. Because I am very HD. I thought wow we are so compatible in that department! .... But OMG not anymore ... yeah he likes sex, but no longer cares about satisfying me anymore. 

In the past he would spend time exploring my body, making sure to hit all the sweet spots .. making sure I "got mine."

Now a days ... its a wham bam thank you mam ... Over & over! 
I don't mind those "sometimes" .. And I don't have to have "mine" all the time .... But dang it .. Atleast 1 out of 10 times would be nice! We've had sex 6 out of 7 days this past week and I have yet to get an "O" from it. He has totally forgotten what foreplay is all about. It's more like touch here .. touch there & stick it in. I can "O" from boob & fingers alone, throw in oral & it's a given ...but he's forgotten what those are. Or if I'm lucky he'll spend 10 seconds on each & think that's good enough. Lack of foreplay I might could deal sometimes BUT he doesn't last but 5 min tops before he's done. And once he's done .... That's it!! Doesn't even try anymore to do anything for me after. 

Today for example ... We sext a little throughout the day. He gets me going pretty good. I'm soooo tempted to "take care of myself" today but decide I really want to save it for him. Well what good that did!

The time comes & he hops on after maybe 2 min of foreplay ... so I break out toys to help get me there. He lasts his usual couple minutes & is loving the combo of toys involved. But he blows & I'm not quite there yet. No prob I think .. we can finish me off w/ the toys. But .... 
as soon as he is done, He complains the toy is too loud & kids might hear. Helllo ... he sure didn't mind the noise when he was getting off. So there goes my mood, I turn the toy off and he is snoring in 2 seconds flat. I'm left hanging as always! 


He knows he hasn't been "doing it" for me lately. I don't want to make him feel not good enough or put pressure on him so, 
I've reassured him it's ok .. it's all good. He's pretty sensitive regarding this subject, so I've tried to reassure him that I desire & want him etc etc and it's ok. Because honestly it is ok if I don't get it every time. But how do I let him know I need to "get mine" every now and then without hurting his feelings ... I mean I've told him this lately, but it hasn't done any good and I'm afraid if I harp on it ... it will hurt his ego and make things worse. I know he can't last as long as he used to & I can deal w/ that, but by gosh give me a little extra before hand or after ... occasionally. 

I know I've mostly rambled. It's late & I'm tired. Sorry. 

Like I said mainly just a vent ... Although I'm completely open to any idea's on how I could talk to him yet again w/ out hurting his feelings. I've been left "hanging" for several months now & frustration is getting to me! I'm brought to the brink of it over & over & left right there .............. I miss the thoughtful awesome lover he once was.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

put the kid gloves away and tell him how you really feel. that he is being a selfish lover not caring about your orgasm.


print you post and give it to him.why be with somebody if you can't be honest about one of the most important things in marriage/loving relationships.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

southerngreeneyes said:


> I love my guy so much & I do not want to cheat!
> 
> But why oh why does he ALWAYS have to leave me hanging lately!
> 
> ...


Go on ahead. Keep in mind, if your still venting ( complaining ) about the same things that you were for the last few years, it's not a good thing. It's better to make forward progress and leave the past behind you.



southerngreeneyes said:


> My finance & I have been together almost 2 years. I have learned sooooo very much from this site & have spent quite a bit of time here :-/
> 
> I am just sooooooo sexually frustrated!
> 
> ...


We all know the trials and tribulations of basically having life stolen from you through a sexless marriage, and all the rest of the things that it entangles... It's somewhat akin to a prison sentance.

And the thing about it, is I've analyzed and analyzed this sexless relationship bit for many years now. In a good percentage of cases that a female is sexless, the man is getting it somewhere else.



southerngreeneyes said:


> Now I met up w/ my old ex-flame ... He is VERY sexual .. Right up my alley .. or so it seems for the 1st year or so.
> 
> Here's my problem ... My man loves sex .. yeah finally. Because I am very HD. I thought wow we are so compatible in that department! .... But OMG not anymore ... yeah he likes sex, but no longer cares about satisfying me anymore.


So an HD which is not taken care of the drive can or will diminish. I'm wondering if your drive was stripped down in your 14 years sexless marriage, and with the new sexual partner how quickly it was restored.
In the past he would spend time exploring my body, making sure to hit all the sweet spots .. making sure I "got mine."



southerngreeneyes said:


> Now a days ... its a wham bam thank you mam ... Over & over!
> I don't mind those "sometimes" .. And I don't have to have "mine" all the time .... But dang it .. Atleast 1 out of 10 times would be nice! We've had sex 6 out of 7 days this past week and I have yet to get an "O" from it. He has totally forgotten what foreplay is all about. It's more like touch here .. touch there & stick it in. I can "O" from boob & fingers alone, throw in oral & it's a given ...but he's forgotten what those are. Or if I'm lucky he'll spend 10 seconds on each & think that's good enough. Lack of foreplay I might could deal sometimes BUT he doesn't last but 5 min tops before he's done. And once he's done .... That's it!! Doesn't even try anymore to do anything for me after.


He doesn't try to because he thinks he doesn't have to. You might want him more than he wants you, actually this scenario is very likely.



southerngreeneyes said:


> Today for example ... We sext a little throughout the day. He gets me going pretty good. I'm soooo tempted to "take care of myself" today but decide I really want to save it for him. Well what good that did!
> 
> The time comes & he hops on after maybe 2 min of foreplay ... so I break out toys to help get me there. He lasts his usual couple minutes & is loving the combo of toys involved. But he blows & I'm not quite there yet. No prob I think .. we can finish me off w/ the toys. But ....
> as soon as he is done, He complains the toy is too loud & kids might hear. Helllo ... he sure didn't mind the noise when he was getting off. So there goes my mood, I turn the toy off and he is snoring in 2 seconds flat. I'm left hanging as always!


Your being Mrs Nice Lady. This selfish behavior is going to make you feel diminished over time if it has not already. It's not acceptable. Your going to have to do something about it. I guess if he can't choose to pleasure you during sex, that your taking sex off the table. You have to do something, don't continue to take scraps - because you will continue to take scraps.



southerngreeneyes said:


> He knows he hasn't been "doing it" for me lately. I don't want to make him feel not good enough or put pressure on him so,
> I've reassured him it's ok .. it's all good. He's pretty sensitive regarding this subject, so I've tried to reassure him that I desire & want him etc etc and it's ok. Because honestly it is ok if I don't get it every time. But how do I let him know I need to "get mine" every now and then without hurting his feelings ... I mean I've told him this lately, but it hasn't done any good and I'm afraid if I harp on it ... it will hurt his ego and make things worse. I know he can't last as long as he used to & I can deal w/ that, but by gosh give me a little extra before hand or after ... occasionally.


He doesn't have an option. You are getting tired of the selfishness, which much stretch into other area's of the relation. He's going to be out of there if he does not start to please his partner.



southerngreeneyes said:


> I know I've mostly rambled. It's late & I'm tired. Sorry.
> 
> Like I said mainly just a vent ... Although I'm completely open to any idea's on how I could talk to him yet again w/ out hurting his feelings. I've been left "hanging" for several months now & frustration is getting to me! I'm brought to the brink of it over & over & left right there .............. I miss the thoughtful awesome lover he once was.


He's going to need a wakeup call. It can't be nice.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I keep hearing about these non-caring guys, but can't for the life of me understand how they keep landing women who want to be pleased sexually.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop lying to him about it being ok. Start telling him that you're not satisfied, and you need more. Start making sure you get yours BEFORE he's done. As in, no PIV or BJ's until you get off at least once.

C


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Tell him he has to eat you out for a solid week before he gets anything in return..Everynight for a week and stick to it..


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## rogerqbah (Jul 29, 2013)

print you post and give it to him.why be with somebody if you can't be honest about one of the most important things in marriage/loving relationships.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

You should keep this forum bookmarked because if you do not communicate to him, you will be back here soon. Quit saying it is ok when it is not.. You are lying and making him believe that things are fine. It's your fault. Next time make it clear you will not put up with it. Next time he finishes without you getting an O, put on your clothes and leave the house for a good couple hours. If he asks where you went say "I cannot be with someone who cannot pleasure me"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

What you have written is a perfectly kind way of sharing the message with him. I'm frequently amazed when people express themselves perfectly eloquently, and in a perfectly understandable and human way, that anyone could relate to, yet for some reason cannot seem to share their feelings in the same way with their partner.

Just tell him what you told us.

And I do agree with others that you are diluting your needs. I think you are rationalizing to avoid facing the fear of telling him.

People must stand up for themselves and their needs in a relationship. It is imperative. The alternative is building resentment and the gradual destruction of the foundation of love and respect upon which your marriage is built. If you permit, or tolerate that to any degree, if you fail to uphold your own standards for what you need to be happy and make those needs crystal clear, then to some extent you will be complicit in the failure of your marriage.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

BTW I wish my ex would have "hurt my feelings" years ago. That would have been nothing, NOTHING in comparison to the divorce that resulted because unmet needs went ineffectively addressed. That caused us both *years* of pain, and our daughter. A stitch it time really does save nine. Never defer standing up for your values! Know clearly what they are, then draw the line immediately (firmly, kindly) every time.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

This is normally a thread written by one of us guys 99% of the time, because most of us wouldn't turn down getting laid if the house was on fire - during a tornado - while sick with the cold and flu.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> This is normally a thread written by one of us guys 99% of the time, because most of us wouldn't turn down getting laid if the house was on fire - during a tornado - while sick with the cold and flu.


I want to know where these guys are hiding. All but one of my friends have husbands/boyfriends that don't want sex as often as we do. Frankly, the common overstatment that guys ALWAYS want sex makes me kinda pissy, because it's not true and leads a girl to think there's something wrong with her if she gets turned down.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Spinner, I'm one of those guys. But, I'm all booked up ever since my ex cheater dumped me. LOL


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why do you keep telling him it's okay when clearly it's not:scratchhead::scratchhead:

You need to stop letting him neglect your needs because you're afraid of bruising his ego. If you don't do anything about this, it's most likely not going to get any better and his ego is going to be REALLY bruised when you eventually wind up cheating, leaving, or just letting resentment and sexual frustration build up until it severely damages your relationship.

Yes his feelings may be hurt for awhile but if you tell him what he needs to do to make sure that you BOTH have a sexually satisfying relationship it will pay off in the long run.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Spinner said:


> I want to know where these guys are hiding. All but one of my friends have husbands/boyfriends that don't want sex as often as we do. Frankly, the common overstatment that guys ALWAYS want sex makes me kinda pissy, because it's not true and leads a girl to think there's something wrong with her if she gets turned down.


Most dudes that I know(myself included)have enjoyed getting laid since we were in high school, those who do not are extremely rare. The most famous turn down by a male I can think of was Mr Roper on "Three's Company", but c'mon if you had to roll over to Mrs Roper every night I think I'd take a pass too - lol.


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## stevesvws (May 13, 2013)

Like others have said, talk to him about it. He probably doesn't even know what he is even doing wrong or doesn't accept it. 

Maybe he is in a rut or something right now. 

You clearly want it and he should too. 

Good time to change things up before either one of you goes down the wrong path. It doesn't have to be that way. 

Everything you both need is right in front of you. 

I speak from experience. I was rather shy and timid to initiate, and when turned down or we half ass talked about it, i would shut off for the next couple days. Sad, I know, but finally, after some talks, I came out of my rut/ she'll and things have been really good. In fact the best ever 

You guys just need a mutual understanding of what each other wants. But both have to work on it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cora28 said:


> Im interested to hear more about this theory, really I am  What analysis do you have, if you don´t mind sharing.


I've been on infidelity and affair message boards since May 2007, in which I was cheated on in a heinous and deliberate fashion.

I've done my time on the following sites:

womensinfedelity - when they had the message board
marriage missions
dr phils married site
divorce busting .com
talk about marriage
Betrayal Common

It's probably sevaral hundred situations, also situations in regular life when you hear about it.

After seeing so many similarities I roughly say:

half the time a man or woman is in a sexless relationship they are being cheated on, so their spouse has no need...

The other half they are a LD. In one half of the LD's are power view or lack of physical attraction, the other half are true ld's.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Spinner said:


> I want to know where these guys are hiding. All but one of my friends have husbands/boyfriends that don't want sex as often as we do. Frankly, the common overstatment that guys ALWAYS want sex makes me kinda pissy, because it's not true and leads a girl to think there's something wrong with her if she gets turned down.


That guys always want sex is not quite accurate. More accurate would be guys usually want sexual variety, unless they have hangups. That is their naturally programmed instinct. When a guy has had sex with a woman, he really doesn't feel like it with her any more. He's done with her for the moment. The feeling is almost immediate. Guys can't do anything about that. Over time, I believe guys learn this association. Have sex with this woman. Done with her. Rinse, repeat. I believe guys brains gradually get wired to skip to the done part before they even have the sex with their woman, like other habits we learn to do "on automatic". That's just my theory.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You need to talk to him... It really isn't fair... You have needs too..

My husband is the EXACT same way and I stopped wanting to have sex with him because of it, because nothing has changed! I can't even tell you how long it has been since I O'd during piv sex, it has been that damn long!


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## southerngreeneyes (Jul 28, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies! You've given me a lot to think about. I haven't had time to reply back like I would have liked to, but I've been reading your posts along the way.

Communication really is the key isn't it! (Why does that sound so simple, but is so hard to do sometimes?) It's time to just open my mouth and talk, talk, talk to him. 

I just honestly suck at talking about MY wants, needs & feelings. I'm always focused on everyone's else's wants & needs. I'm the Mrs. Nice Guy, people pleaser .. whatever makes everyone else happy. But it's time to ditch that way of thinking in the bedroom! 

I have to admit though I failed at my chance to talk to him ...

He actually came to me the next day to apologize (without me bringing it up.) Very sweetly I might add! I almost gave my usual "it's ok baby" response, but stopped myself thanks to you guys. He let me know he knew I didn't finish and he felt like he wasn't doing his job. I thought this was going to be my opening to talk to him. But after more apologizing and telling me how great it was etc ...he said he'd make it up to me that night. So I let it go & didn't make a big deal about it. I did drop a few hints, but didn't take the conversation as far as I should have. Hey, I had to give my guy some credit for acknowledging the problem on his own! I guess I wimped out! But did I mention how sweet his apology was? 

I still haven't got that make up round yet though. That evening we were both so exhausted! I wouldn't have turned him down, but didn't have the energy to initiate either. Tonight I had "kid" issues to deal with and things just didn't work out. Sooo, I guess I'll give it a couple of days and see what happens, see if he really ups his game this time. 

I think he'll come around. I think he's just in a rut of being lazy and/or tired. He's still wanting sex all the time ... he's just not wanting to put in much effort. He still lets me know daily he loves me, wants me. He still makes sure to make me feel sexy & desired so I've got a lot of good going on!!! I've just got to get him out of this rut of being lazy in the bedroom!! I just don't want my frustration in the bedroom to lead to other problems. And it will if I let it go. I'm "calm" about it right now, but another time or two of being left hanging and I'm gonna be all grrrrrrr again! lol 

I will talk to him if things don't change this week and I vow to be more open & honest with him about MY wants & needs ... not just for myself, but for our relationship as a whole. We'll both benefit from it in the long run.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Maybe keep it straight and simple. Rather than have a sit down and talk about it (again), get his attention in the act. I think it's a guy thing, they do forget, or just get lazy or just hope you're as horny as they want you to be.

Don't let him put it in till you're really begging for it, and you know it will only take you a few minutes to O. Take control of that penis! If he tries to put it in just refuse playfully like 'no not yet I need more teasing!', or 'first and second base need more tweaking!!', or just 'I'm not ready yet!'. You get the idea, keep it light and playful so it doesn't spoil the mood. You could follow up with a suggestion about some oral or asking him to play with you while you touch him. Just make sure he doesn't try to sneak it in... 

I sometimes have this problem with my H, and we're both happier if I get the foreplay I need. And I do need to bring it up, during foreplay if he tries to move to penetration when I'm not ready. He definitely looks after me in the bedroom, we normally only run into this problem if we rush things and I know I'm not ready but let him penetrate hoping it will help me 'catch up'.


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