# The Letter



## Cshopeful

I would not bore you with the details of our relationship but I will say that my partner of 7.5 years ended it about 3 months ago. I am devastated and trying to take each day as it comes. Some days have been far better than others, but it was not a good breakup by any means. She had been emotionally checked out for nearly a month but I didn't see it as she got a new job that she couldn't stand. To make an incredibly long story short, we are not currently on speaking terms at all, but our last conversation went something like this…..

Me: Do you really hate me as much as you are acting like?
Her: I don't hate you and could never hate you - I will always care about you no matter what.
Me: Maybe with the next person, you should try listening to them.
Her: Maybe with the next person, you should try not berating them when you fight.
Me: Why did you stop listening to me?
Her: Because I stopped caring.

How does that part make any sense at all?? She will always care but stopped caring?

Anyway, we are now not speaking to one another at all per her request of needing "time to figure things out". I gave her time but with the holidays, I really wanted to see my step daughter. I called, texted, emailed and got nothing until the day after Christmas when I was informed that my step daughter no longer wanted to see me. This (again) was absolutely devastating to me since I had helped raise her since she was 5….she is now 13.

I wrote this (emotional) letter to her the other day just based on how I was feeling. There are many different opinions on whether I should actually send it but here it is:

"I am not sure what you are trying to prove by not talking got me at all but am forced to speculate about everything now. I just cannot believe that a person who "loved and cared" about me so much would ever do what you are currently doing.

You have no idea what this feels like despite what you might think…..you say you have been where I am but honestly I don't think you have. Have you ever been in love with a passive aggressive person? Have you ever been in love with someone that has had so many previous problems in relationships that you were scared to get too close but it happens anyway? Have you ever been in love with someone that stonewalls and blocks you out of their life and gives you the silent treatment? 

You have no idea what kind of damage you are doing. My trust has been completely betrayed because I honestly believed that you "loved and cared" for me. Come to find out it wasn't genuine. 

I wish I could just forget….pretend you don't exist…completely ignore you…..be cold and heartless….show no emotion at all when it comes to you.

I am not that person and refuse to become that person. It isn't and never will be who I am. I care too much. I will not change who I am because you cannot deal with things in a mature and dignified manner. I pray for you every single day because I know you are a better person than the person I described above. 

Instead though…..I remember everything……you do exist…..am attentive…..am warm and passionate…am not afraid to be emotional.

This is in no way meant to attack you but meant to help you see the world inside my head right now."


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## honcho

I don’t think you should send the letter. I know you are by no means trying to attack her but that is all she will read. You want her to see the situation thru your eyes but she wont, she doesn’t want to and the letter will only reinforce her not wanting to talk to you. 

I have written many letters over the months, I have never sent them. While it helps me to write out the thoughts the reality is till they are ready to openly talk and listen you cant convince them. They either figure it out or they don’t but it has to come to them on their own terms.


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## Cshopeful

I understand what you are saying but then doesn't that give her all the control she wants over me? She gets to do things on her term - why shouldn't I be able to. Control was probably the most major part of our downfall and I almost feel like if I don't do what I want to do, she is controlling me yet again. I know not many (if any) people will see what I am saying but I just don't want to not do things because of her and her feelings. Does that make any sense?

And I do understand that it will probably push her further away, but how much further could she really be? I am just incredibly hurt and ranting now....I am sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho

Telling her she is passive aggressive or that your hurt is more than she has ever experienced are things that will most likely trigger her into just being angry and resentful. Im not trying to criticize your letter, I know you are trying to express your feelings and its hard. 

She knows how you feel, she knows your position. Its up to her to try and contact you and try to work on anything. At that point its your decision whether you want to or not. Even sending the letter IS giving her control. Your control is not begging and pleading trying to convince her to talk. The only control you will ever have is your decisions, you need to focus on yourself. 

I know you miss your stepdaughter and want to see her, you would probably have much more luck trying to focus on trying to work out some sort of agreement to see her, deal with that once issue but from what it sounds like your spouse is using her as a pawn and you wont have much luck. 

The less contact you have right now the better you will be. She doesn’t want to deal with you and you need to start to detach from the relationship, getting back your control of your life.


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## synthetic

Logic says someone else has entered her life. Find out who it is if you really want to, but seldom any person is worth enduring that kind of pain for. 

If someone is willing to walk away from you, LET THEM WALK. 

I wish I knew this years ago.


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## Bushman1972

Cshopeful said:


> Me: Do you really hate me as much as you are acting like?
> Her: I don't hate you and could never hate you - I will always care about you no matter what.
> Me: Maybe with the next person, you should try listening to them.
> Her: Maybe with the next person, you should try not berating them when you fight.
> Me: Why did you stop listening to me?
> Her: Because I stopped caring.
> ."


Petty much sums up my own experience. Be strong. Do the 180.
Good luck and there is life after separation. I am on my second and last. FWB from now on. Getting the snip too.


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## Stretch

You can only control YOU.

You will be trapped in limbo and in pain as long as your focus is on her. Your post shows that you are focused on her instead of yourself.

Good luck, it is hard to move on,
Stretch


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