# Wife very frustrated, need advice



## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

My husband and I have been married 15 years and together for 18. I'm 48 and he's 55. The first 9 years of our relationship was great and sex was always good. The past 8 years have been very rocky. His business went down the tubes, and I assumed all of the financial responsibilities. I had to take on a second job just to make ends meet. Whatever income he made only went to his bills. (Cell phone, car, gas, groceries here and there etc) He became depressed and just wouldn't seek better employment, which infuriated me. 

Eventually, I really resented him and we split up for a short time. We did get back together, but nothing changed. Year after year I would give him one last chance, but I always gave in and nothing changed. Instead of getting a divorce, I pretty much checked out of our marriage emotionally for about 5 years. I was just miserable and pissed at myself for being so weak. I found happiness spending time with my single and married girlfriends. A lot of ladies trips, dinners. No cheating- just fun stuff. 

During this time my husband and I still had sex, but we were just going through the motions. However, I will admit to rejecting him at times. He used porn and I kept my batteries stocked. 

Eventually, I came to the realization that I couldn't live like that anymore. My husband and I had a heart to heart talk and he has made very positive changes. He's found a great job and he seems very happy. He's stepped up and I'm very thankful. 

Here is the problem. While I was "checked out emotionally" I didn't realize we stopped kissing, hugging or making love. Just sex, bjs, etc. Now when I'm trying to reconnect and open up emotionally, I really need that from him, but he is just not into it. I always have to initiate, unless he's intoxicated. No kissing (he pushes me away) touching, etc. I always give him oral, he does not reciprocate. 

We've talked about it a lot. He says he's very attracted to me, loves having sex with me, etc. but his actions speak differently. He also admitted he occasionally views porn in the AM, even though I've made it perfectly clear that I'm available. He is now growing tired of me complaining and insists its in my head, when clearly it's not. 

I realize I have blame in this situation, but I'm wondering if we will ever be able to have that intimate connection again. I need to be desired by my husband or it will not work. I'm still in good shape, attractive and look younger than my age, so I'm not sure if physical attraction is the issue. Maybe he has low T. He never has erection issues with me either. Maybe I need to wait it out and let him chase me. 

Any help appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So sex feels mechanical, obligatory and lacks passion. As a result, you don't feel wanted or desired. If he spent time kissing you, if he flirted with you, gave you compliments, made you feel desired with cheeky leers and naughty grins, you would feel like you were being romanced, instead of the available orifice? Have you told him this, using these words?

ETA, it is in your head! If he did those things, the feelings in your head wouldn't be there?


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

Thanks Anon Pink for your comments. I'm not sure what ETA means.  Yes, pretty much I feel like the available orifice. I believe that I allowed it to go on for so long when I was emotionally checked out, that he is now confused by my sudden need for an emotional and physical connection. Maybe he resents me and is not comfortable with kissing or any passion for that matter. 

He doesn't understand why I don't feel desired. He says he shows me how much he loves me by doing so many things for me. He compliments me, sends me flowers with love notes, laundry, brings home dinner, grocery shopping, etc. I do appreciate these things, but I still need the physical, more intimate connection. 

I think the more I pressure him, the worse it gets. Maybe if I could just be happy with things the way they are for a while, he might open up again and be more intimate. It's just hard to keep my emotions in check when I feel so rejected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Have you told him you forgive him for his business failing and the subsequent financial problems it caused?

Men often feel that providing for their families is a moral obligation. The damage he did to your family financially (losing money; you having to work) makes him feel just a guilty as if he had damaged the family by having an affair.

His moral guilt may be more than he can handle. So, he pushes you away.

He may just need forgiveness.


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## Keeponrollin (May 14, 2013)

I am going to say he going thru the motions but not listening to what you are saying. He believes he doing the right things by sending you flowers, notes etc but not understanding the MENTAL part of you is suffering. This can be frustrating from both sides as a male we believe we are doing what you want, and as a female your pounding your head on a wall and asking why is it so hard for him to understand.

You are going to have to take the lead and show him what you want do not assume he will figure it out. Look at what porn he viewing and maybe incorparate it into your sex life some people are afraid to ask because they feel their partner will think less of them for wanting to try something different. 

It seems that no matter how advance we become the simple plain act of listening, communicating and understanding interpersonal communication face to face still is the most important part of any relationship.


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

@ Blue Firefly, thanks for your comments. I don't believe I've ever said the words I forgive you. Although, I have told him that I really appreciate him taking the load off of me financially. He's only had this new job for about six months and he's let me down before, so it's hard for me to believe in him 100% again. Maybe he realizes this, but I haven't given him any indication that I have these feelings.

I always assumed men felt they had a moral issue to provide support, which is why I resented him so much. I couldn't understand how he could just sit back and allow me to work two jobs and have so much stress about paying the mortgage and live comfortably. I've always worked, so I wasn't asking him to provide for me, just to contribute his fair share. I will admit, I became very bitter and said some terrible things about his manhood, so maybe that's part of the problem as well.

@KeeponRolling - thanks for your comments. You're right! I'm definitely POUNDING my head against the wall. I can't get onto his computer (password protected), so I'm not sure what he's watching. I'm sure it's young girls, because that's what he always dated before me. Believe me, I'm open for just about anything in the bedroom. Prior to marriage, his fantasy was to bring in another woman for me, which i allowed a couple of times. I'm adventurous, very sexual and my goal is to please him - always. I have toys, which he doesn't like me to use when we're together. I invited him to watch me masturbate on a Sunday afternoon and he declined. "Can't we just have a nice day and watch tv?" WTH He likes to take charge in the bedroom, and I've noticed that he's a little rough sometimes, similar to some of the porn videos. I'm trying to lead and initiate, but he just seems to push me away or give some excuse that he's too tired or stressed. He did tell me yesterday, that I must have forgotten how many times I rejected him and he had to take care of himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Callmecrazy said:


> @ Blue Firefly, thanks for your comments. I don't believe I've ever said the words I forgive you. Although, I have told him that I really appreciate him taking the load off of me financially. He's only had this new job for about six months and he's let me down before, so it's hard for me to believe in him 100% again. Maybe he realizes this, but I haven't given him any indication that I have these feelings.
> 
> I always assumed men felt they had a moral issue to provide support, which is why I resented him so much. I couldn't understand how he could just sit back and allow me to work two jobs and have so much stress about paying the mortgage and live comfortably. I've always worked, so I wasn't asking him to provide for me, just to contribute his fair share. I will admit, I became very bitter and said some terrible things about his manhood, so maybe that's part of the problem as well.


When people believe they are in a no-win situation, sometimes they just give up.

If he doesn't think there is a light at the end of the tunnel; that he can never win back your approval or confidence in him, why should he try?


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> When people believe they are in a no-win situation, sometimes they just give up.
> 
> If he doesn't think there is a light at the end of the tunnel; that he can never win back your approval or confidence in him, why should he try?


You're right. Maybe I should forget and forgive the past, focus on the present, and believe in him 100%. I know he's really trying and I should trust him. Thanks. I'll work on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Callmecrazy said:


> Eventually, I really resented him and we split up for a short time. We did get back together, but nothing changed. Year after year I would give him one last chance, but I always gave in and nothing changed. Instead of getting a divorce, I pretty much checked out of our marriage emotionally for about 5 years. I was just miserable and pissed at myself for being so weak. I found happiness spending time with my single and married girlfriends. A lot of ladies trips, dinners. No cheating- just fun stuff._Posted via Mobile Device_


One issue is that when you checked out for five years, he probably feels like you abandon him. He lost his business, and suddenly he was no good to you. Now that he has a good job (read: brings in a bunch of money), he has value again. While that may not be how you see it, consider that is his reality. Any truth to it? I have no idea, but your job may be to overcome that perception.


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> One issue is that when you checked out for five years, he probably feels like you abandon him. He lost his business, and suddenly he was no good to you. Now that he has a good job (read: brings in a bunch of money), he has value again. While that may not be how you see it, consider that is his reality. Any truth to it? I have no idea, but your job may be to overcome that perception.


Actually, I checked out after I tolerated him not contributing for at least 4 years. I also took out a $50k loan for him to start up his business again. He took the money, moved out for two weeks and lost all of it gambling in the stock market in one day. I am responsible for the loan and the payments. I took him back, gave him another chance and nothing changed for a couple more years. So then I checked out emotionally, because I was too stressed to go through a divorce with the housing market in the dumps. He wasn't a bad guy, just depresed and not pulling his weight. I've been depressed before, so I had empathy for him and hoped it would get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

Callmecrazy said:


> Actually, I checked out after I tolerated him not contributing for at least 4 years. I also took out a $50k loan for him to start up his business again. He took the money, moved out for two weeks and lost all of it gambling in the stock market in one day. I am responsible for the loan and the payments. I took him back, gave him another chance and nothing changed for a couple more years. So then I checked out emotionally, because I was too stressed to go through a divorce with the housing market in the dumps. He wasn't a bad guy, just depresed and not pulling his weight. I've been depressed before, so I had empathy for him and hoped it would get better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. While reading my response it's clear I have still have resentment issues that I need to just let go. It's like I'm trying to prove I'm right to justify my hurt feelings. I really need to let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Callmecrazy said:


> Actually, I checked out after I tolerated him not contributing for at least 4 years.


Did he not contribute, or not contribute as much as he had. Your earlier posts suggested the latter, but this one indicates he did nothing for four years.

Also, by this point, according to your timeline, you had already checked out.



> I also took out a $50k loan for him to start up his business again. He took the money, moved out for two weeks and lost all of it gambling in the stock market in one day. I am responsible for the loan and the payments. I took him back, gave him another chance and nothing changed for a couple more years. So then I checked out emotionally, because I was too stressed to go through a divorce with the housing market in the dumps. He wasn't a bad guy, just depresed and not pulling his weight. I've been depressed before, so I had empathy for him and hoped it would get better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not sure you are understanding what I am intending. I am not saying his view is correct. But that does not stop it from being his view and perception. Rightly or not, his feelings are real. I don't know if this is what he is feeling, but I don't think you can merely dismiss the possibility because you don't think it makes sense.

You also note his depression, but dismiss it. It may in fact been more than you saw. Merely hoping it would get better may not have been all that helpful. You dismiss the possibility that he felt like he was only as good as his paycheck. Consider that there is more hear than you want to think.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Callmecrazy said:


> Wow. While reading my response it's clear I have still have resentment issues that I need to just let go. It's like I'm trying to prove I'm right to justify my hurt feelings. I really need to let it go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is some of it as well. But since you describe him not responding, I have to wonder if he does not also have some issues with resentment.

Have you considered marriage counseling?


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## Callmecrazy (Apr 27, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Did he not contribute, or not contribute as much as he had. Your earlier posts suggested the latter, but this one indicates he did nothing for four years.
> 
> Also, by this point, according to your timeline, you had already checked out.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I get it. I never really gave his feelings much thought, because I was so busy justifying my reasons for resentment. I'm sure he did think he was doing the best he could for me at the time, and it was never good enough for me. He denied depression issues, so I was unable to help him cope with that. Although, I suggested he see a doctor and get on medication, but be refused. Unfortunately, my H is very private and would never join me in marriage counseling. I spent a few years in counseling by myself during that time. Every month I would get the question "Did you leave him yet?", which is what she recommended. Eventually. I stopped going because I didn't want to disappoint her by not leaving my husband. Sounds pathetic. 

I am definitely aware now that I have hurt him, and he still has some resentments. I will make a conscience effort to show more appreciation and trust. Maybe his resentment, as well as mine will go away with time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Callmecrazy said:


> I am definitely aware now that I have hurt him, and he still has some resentments. I will make a conscience effort to show more appreciation and trust. Maybe his resentment, as well as mine will go away with time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So having gotten here, don't ignore your hurts either. They are valid as well.

You both have them and both need to get through them. It may be as easy as asking if he resents how you acted, and then noting you have some resentments, and want to work through them together. Also, MC may be helpful to get a neutral third party to help you two talk it out.


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