# Approaching OW after it is over - good idea? or bad?



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Hi. I have posted before but not often. I came on tonight and tried to catch up but each thread makes me more sad than the last. It has been a few hours but it never ends, and that may be the saddest thing of all. 

Anyway, here is my story in [very] brief: Toward the end of September I realized my husband was lying to me about where he goes on business trips, that in fact he's been going to the same place every time [from flight schedules] but lying.

Before that, he'd been denying me sex for a year (and before that it was over 6 months), plus was _very_ negative about me and our relationship. Plus I suspect but can't prove that he contracted an STD and never told me about it, which is why he was denying me sex - he didn't want to get reinfected.

In October he went away again, clearly lying about everything. I tried hiring a PI but the way I set it up, they found nothing. (I told them where I thought he was going, but I was wrong. They did, however, prove he couldn't possibly be going where he said he was going. So not where I thought, but not where he said, either.) 

When he came to me at the end of the month and said he was going away yet _again_, I flipped. I went to his boss and said he was screwing around on company time and funds, hoping they'd put a stop to him. No such luck.

After that I did the unthinkable: I went into his computer. He has a password-protected macbook and iphone, and someone from this site told me how to start the computer in "target" mode so I could access his files. (You know who you are  )

Found a whole bunch of porn (old news - he'd actually had an online EA in 2004, swore off it, but had been dabbling in porn again for years and would get angry if I felt that wasn't OK -- "Everybody does it!") ("Well, hey, not everybody won't sleep with their wife, and maybe if you didn't have the porn you might choose me once in a while!" But I digress.)

Anyway, amongst the porn were a bunch of pics of someone else's kids. Kids are not porn. Kids are a _relationship_.

It wasn't till November that I learned how to make a clone of his computer, and I wasted 5 weeks trying to crack the password so I could access his email and browser, which is where I was sure most of the issues were happening. 

In December, he went away somewhere else and I making a new password (what you can see without access to the "keychains' is just mind-blowing!) (I risked it because I could always take a new clone while he was away) and saw in his emails that he was already seeing a new woman, more local, and using a fake name to do it. So much good going to his boss did me....

So. That was then. Anyway....

I've gone back endlessly over what I've found in his computer, ie, those kids. I have one picture of one kid, wherein he holds up a certificate he earned, and (I wish I had zoomed in before but) on it is his name.

Then, when searching the kid's name on facebook, I find not only him but his whole family, everyone in the pics, including his mother's name (not her pics.) From there it's nothing to find her LinkedIn profile, and her work address, everything. Seems she is divorced, so she is not cheating on anyone, and from what I read in the emails to my husband's NEW girlfriend, he lies not only about his marital status but even his name.

So the question is (or many questions are...) this:

Do I go to this woman and try and get information from her? If so, how do I go about this? If DH has been telling her his point of view all along, she may already think I am pond-scum and don't deserve help. If he's told her nothing, that he's not even married, I wouldn't know where to start.

Oh! I forgot to tell you! DH is completely denying any wrongdoing, claims I am crazy. Swears up, down and center that he is the ultimate God-fearing son to his parents, and husband to me. I have not told anyone that I've gone into his computer -- I'm forced to live with him for a few more months and he is difficult enough as it is.

But he's trying to claim that I shouldn't get spousal support (he makes $150,000/year!), that I shouldn't be entitled to the kids (fair enough, only one is young enough to be a custody issue by the time we file, but I still would like to live with those that are still home, and think he should give support.)

My in-laws of course believe that he could never do what I accuse him of, and that I'm fabricating this whole thing. Sadly, they control all the money and thus the decisions in our family.

So the question is, should I confront the woman I have found, even though I'm 99% sure the relationship is over? And if so, what would I even say to her to get her to be honest with me? I would LOVE a video statement that they had a PA.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts you may have. 
_IWS


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would talk to her.. that's me. And take family photos of all of you so that if he told her that he has no family he can prove it. Anything else you can think of. Since the relationship is over, she might open up.. she just might be upset with him.

Your husband does not have the final word on if you get support, etc. He also does not get to decide the custody arrangement 100%. The courts do. I suggest you see an attorney to find out what your rights are and what you are likely to get.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

See the attorney first to protect yourself when it all hits the fan.

Good luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

considering your husband was using an alias and lying to her then yes I would expose him to her

I would also present the proof to his family


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. First see an attorney

2. Get a VAR and talk to him. Get him to talk about your future together,etc. How you've got a great marriage according to him etc. 

3. Go see the OW and talk to her. Consider after she's opened up but possibly holding back on you, playing the VAR to show that he's been lying to both of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you in the process of divorcing or reconciling???


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Hi, thank you all for your advice.

He _doesn't _think we have a great marriage, but he says that I'm equally at fault. Personally I don't think so, he withdrew from me first, and stopped having sex with me when I still wanted a relationship, and now claims it was mutual. Even this morning he said, "I was waiting for you to approach me!" and I was like, "Even when you'd invite me into your bed, and I came running, you'd push me away or watch TV until I left!" And he said, "Well, I guess if we went to a MC he'd say we have different takes on the situation." He's re-writing history, he knows what I said is true. But I won't get him to admit it on VAR.

We're divorcing, but won't file until after our daughter gets married in August. Until then, we're keeping it quiet, and living in the same house. I just wish I had good proof that I could throw in his face. He still says he wasn't cheating on me, but I have other reasons to believe he was, that I'm not boring you with here.

I think I will approach her. She lives 100's of miles away, I won't be able to go for a few months, so I have time to think about what I'll say. That's a good idea to bring photos of our family. She's obviously into her kids, so maybe she'll relate to me as another mom.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she on FB or do you have her contact info? You could try emailing her. I personally wouldn't want to do it face to face. There is absolutely NO reason he should have pics of her and her family. You said his name was on the kid's certificate??? WHat is that about??


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

No, no, the KID's name was on the certificate. That's how I found the kid on FB and from there to the mom. Wow, I would be really upset if my husband's name was on this stranger's certificate. I'd think he'd had a whole 'nother family. <whew! Thank goodness for small blessings!> I think this particular affair only lasted a few months, though I don't think it was the first and I know it wasn't the last.

That may be the best way, to email her. Send her a friend request, let her see the pics of MY family on FB, including my DH. 

I just don't want her going back to DH and telling him I accessed his computer. He will be furious at me. Not that I feel guilty, he's been cheating for years. But boy will he be hard to live with once that comes out.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Continue to gather evidence. Save a hardcopy. Secure your evidence off-site somewhere safe.

Interview several lawyers. Find one that will work for you aggressively. Ask them what your next step should be to get the maximum amount you can.

Dont confront your husband. Let him get served with the divorce paper. Either that will snap him out of it, or it will make him go deeper underground.

You know he's a liar. He even lied to his OW(s). 

Be careful having sex with him. Given his history, you dont know if he frequents working girls. And, you certainly do not want to catch something permanent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't send her a friend request...just send her a message on FB
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Thank you again for your input. Still haven't contacted her. (Chicken.)

Separate but related question: Divorces are expensive. Assuming there's a limited pie to divide up, I had thought that we'd go to a mediator instead of separate lawyers, in order to save money.

Would I really do better going to an attorney to represent me? I've heard divorces can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars if they get adversarial - I hate that idea, that's money that could go to support our children! I don't need a lot for myself, just a little to get me started in the world, and the knowledge that my kids are taken care of. 

I just don't want to be an idiot and get cut off from everything.


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## AllyM (Aug 2, 2011)

You said in an earlier post that he makes 150k a year. Get a good lawyer they will make sure you get what you need to take care of your kids. My mother never did this and we had nothing (my father having loads of money though) Now that I am going through a divorce it is her mantra to me to get a good attorney and make sure you get what you need.


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