# Lost & Second Guessing Everything



## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

Found out wife had an affair with coworker last month. Confronted her and told her I won't leave and could forgive her.
She was so apologetic first week and then switched to mad and resentful with me the last two weeks. Yesterday, our first counseling appointment, she told me she needs to leave to find the happiness within herself. She's calling it a separationg.

I have been begging and pleading with her to giive me 6 months to show her I can change and to keep our family together. She keeps telling me she needs to focus on herself. 

I have been reading books and going to marriagebulders.com trying to make a consciuos effort. She keeps getting mad saying "now you make an effort."

To make it worse, she just found the spy app I put on her phone.

Have I just kept screwing this thing up more? is there anything I should say/do?

Lost and 2nd guessing.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) stop the begging, it doesn't help in the slightest and it's time to get your dignity back
2) she wants to continue her affair and the separation is a means to do it guilt free in her eyes- tell her if she leaves you file
3) recognize that you may have lost her no matter what you do but being firm in taking a stand is your best shot


read my newbie link please


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

buddy read and read on here, first thing DO NOT BEG OR CRY IN FRONT OF HER, 
listen to what these folks will advise and keep reading.......


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

First of all, you begging is only weakening your position. This seperation... translated means... "I want to have space to continue banging the dude again!" Who cares if she found the spyware on her phone, if she wasn't up to no good, you wouldn't have had reason to go there. 

You want a chance, firm up and tell her seperation to you means divorce. Think about it this way... she is the one who has done wrong, not you. If she isn't willing to meet you half way and do the things she should be doing, why bother? What ever "effort" you didn't do before doesn't give her the right to cheat. Remind her that next time she throws that in your face.

*Just realized how much my post sounds like Almostrecovered... great minds think alike...*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop begging.

After she got over being discovered she is choosing to continue the affair.

Before you can work on the marriage you need the kill the affair.

Work to end the affair: find OMW tell her, expose to family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Why do you feel the need to change?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

You know what happened... THIS happened. 

You busted her... but didn't lay the hammer down. You were probably sympathetic to her situation somehow. This weakened you in ways you are now just realizing. She realized after a couple days she wasn't going to be in penalty box like she thought she would. This emboldened her, and lessened her guilt immediately. She realized that she can have her cake... and eat it too.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'll just say that you sound like a Very Nice Guy, which is not a good thing! Nice Guys get trampled by cheaters. In addition, the marriage builders website is deadly DEADLY for a Nice Guy. The Plan A is not even endorsed by the website owner and author of the book! Those who advocate Plan A say that it is very short term and then move immediately to Plan B (file for divorce).

You do indeed need to fix some things because you are 50% responsible for the bad marriage. But she is also 50% responsible. It is simply blameshifting when she says to you "So now you work on the marriage", as if she has no fault for things being bad.

She not only owns 50% of the fault leading up to the affair, but she owns 100% fault for entering the affair. Don't let her make it out like it is your fault that she ended up screwing somebody at work.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

What are you supposed to do while she's finding happiness? File for Divorce if she wants to seperate and then show her how happy a single man can be.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

First of all, a doormat of a husband is not attractive at all. You must know this.

If you truly wanted to save this marriage, you forgiving her so readily and easily was a huge mistake. You should have let her work her way up asking for forgiveness. This is the natural process and you completely screwed this up by acting so "nice". 

Marriagebuilder recommends what's called "Plan A", and many posters including myself agree that this method is often counterproductive. You must take a hard line approach and force her to make a choice: either to save this marriage or divorce. Take this simpleton approach is much more effective and will save months long pain and agony on your part.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

stop begging!

She has you all figured out and knows you will always be there. she has no reason to stop. she has it made. The excitment of the OM and you as a fall back guy.

You need to change her out look on this by showing her that you are confident enough to move on with out her.

Even if your not she must have this perception in order to get her to second quess her choices. 

Get it, she will not think twice about stopping, why should she , you aren't go anywhere. I know its tough, but its this indifferent and confindent mentality that will best serve you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

When my xw announced her intention to divorce, I went into survival mode, tried to make all kinds of changes to show her I was better than she thought, to hopefully make her realize she was making a mistake. Worse, on dday I made myself extremely vulnerable, still had complete trust in her to not hurt my feelings - cried and sobbed worse than a baby in front of her (I don't know if this was real or if I found a new way to express my pain and attempt to manipulate her guilt). I don't think any of these bahaviors affected the outcome, certainly didn't help and I really only feel like a fool for having any trust in her after her calculated deception and betrayal.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Hurting1296 - Weak. Your response to her cheating is WEAK. 

Ok - now implement what the prior posters have mentioned. You are going about this the WRONG way? Are you afraid of her? You are definitely afraid of losing her! News flash! It's too late - you already lost her. 

Do you want a chance to get her back? Follow the other posters advice! File for D - pack her bags and rent her a uhaul. Tell her she doesn't get a pass. If she wants to reconcile, that are under conditions YOU set. 

Never, ever, do that again!


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Thor said:


> You do indeed need to fix some things because you are 50% responsible for the bad marriage. But she is also 50% responsible. It is simply blameshifting when she says to you "So now you work on the marriage", as if she has no fault for things being bad.
> 
> She not only owns 50% of the fault leading up to the affair, but she owns 100% fault for entering the affair. Don't let her make it out like it is your fault that she ended up screwing somebody at work.


Words of wisdom! remember this I am facing my own confrontation and being here has taught me this I will not accept any blame for cheating she is 100% responsible for that! Yes I own problems I contributed but there is no you caused me to cheat--they made an incredibly bad choice and they own it.
I just read the 180 you need it, you need a new tack -- And I got the man up! Advice too
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hurting,

Think about this. The other man is no doubt strong, confident, he takes what he wants and does not allow anyone to sidetrack him. She is attracted to him because of these qualities. Now look at yourself. You beg, cry, plead. Are these the qualities of a strong confident man?

Were there issues in your marriage? Probably, there always are. Were you the perfect husband? No, nobody is. Regardless of what the problems were the solution is communication, not infidelity! She made a conscious CHOICE to engage in an affair. She CHOSE to hurt you. She needs to own that. Not you.

Read the 180 that has been suggested. Also, you can check out Athol Kay's blog Married Man Sex Life

You cannot control her. All you can do is control what you do. She is in the fog right now and anything you say she won't hear.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

First of all quit staining her shoes with your tears...MAN UP! 

You are not being attractive and are driving away....you need to STOP what your comes into your mind to do....you are not the best at deciding what your actions should be....you noticed your getting it wrong.

She is turning her afair, her wrong onto you and putting herself in the power position, this position should be yours, and you are letting her.

1. Man up, show by action and words that you are strong.

2. Inform her in a calm, non puppy dog way, that you want your marriage to work but if she wants to seperate than it must be done correctly - a legal seperation, possible proceed to divorce.

You have to turn the tables on her, you be the angry forceful one (not direced at her) stand your ground, protect your self and start calling lawyers, telling her it to know what your rights are and to learn what the legal issues are in your state regarding seperation and divorce......if she insist on a non-legal seperation, just an agreement between you two - just say we might as well proceed with divorce, call her bluf, if no bluff .. you need to move on.

But if you only do one thing.....stop blubbering and man up.....sloppy begging is not attractive.


My bet she wants to have her fling with the OM guilt free "seperation" and then come back to you when that has run its course.


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## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

Update: Her affair partner's wife called me tonight......she was viewing bank statements and saw charges in vacaville.....put them at a restaurant 4 hours after our marriage counseling session where she told me she wants a separation!!!!

I logged into spyware (which i had deleted from her phone today) to check old gps....VERIFIED at restaurant.

I was blind and trying so hard, I didn't see. All of you were right!!!!

I confronted her, she smiled, and I told her get out. SHe gave a cold hug to our beautiful girls, packed a bag and left.

What do I do now??????


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You protect your money ASAP. Grab all joint cash and move it to a new account with only you on it.

Next call the OMW and warn her your wife is on the loose.

Then you see an attorney and tell him your story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You now play the game known as YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU, she is in control of NOTHING.
Go to bank---put all marital assets in an acct., with your name only on the acct.------You cancel, all credit cards, with her name on them, joint or hers.

You clean out what is in any safe deposit box

You send her the following---tell her since she wants a seperation, she is now responsible on her own, for her half of ALL family bills, including, mtg., all types of insurance payments, all utilities, and credit card payments, car payments, and everything else---including her half of child support

Aside from that you do NOT speak to her about anything else.

Whatever state you are in---go to google, and look up all the family codes for your state, read them, and learn them, so you know what your rights are, and what you can and can't do.

Then just sit back and start living your life----your wife will be crawling back soon enuff, then you can decide what YOU wanna do---this is not about her, IT IS ABOUT YOU.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

she should be begging YOU for a second chance, not the other way around. I don't get why you are begging for her to come back? SHE is the one who messed up! Make that known to her. This is her fault, don't let her turn it around on you.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

From your W's reaction, it seems she has already completely checked out of her marriage. Of course, we wouldn't know what drove her to that point. Maybe some pre-A issues or maybe affair fog? 

Either way, you must accept the reality that she is not likely to come back, and start contacting lawyer to protect yourself with preparation for D.

Having said that, there is chance that she may have a change of heart depending on how her relationship with OM evolves after this.


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## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read my response on the other thread ....she does not come home she is cake eating and your the chump who is providing the cake.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36505-just-gave-no-contact-letter-plan-b-but.html#post519784

No one can help you if you do not follow a firm solid plan.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

calif_hope said:


> First of all quit staining her shoes with your tears...MAN UP!
> 
> You are not being attractive and are driving away....you need to STOP what your comes into your mind to do....you are not the best at deciding what your actions should be....you noticed your getting it wrong.
> 
> ...


The advice stands , even more so that she has come back . Her coming back is a lie she will be off again when she is ready.

Please stop trying to get her to read books , the plan is to wage war on the affair , on the OM and expose him far and wide .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

hurting1296 said:


> Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
> But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
> I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
> She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
> Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


Despite what she said, she is not committed to your family. Affairs rarely end like you have described (quickly, almost overnight). Something has happened that you do not know about. Call OM's wife and get an update from her.

Don't whine or beg her. Treat her as if the affair is full steam ahead because it sounds like it is. Protect your money and assets. Talk to a lawyer to find out your rights (and hers) if it comes to divorce.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you don't respect yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting as you have been?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I am very skeptical Plan A is your answer. You already look not so attractive in your W's eyes. Plan A makes you look even pathetic. You must make her work her way back in. Do not be so forgiving. She does not deserve it, nor should you give it so readily. It's counterproductive. 

Contact lawyer and force her to face the real outcome of divorce. Only then she will realize the true outcome of her doing and will make the decision either D or R with real commitment. Right now, she is just sitting on fence flipfloping per her mood swing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Plan A does not work for you. 

Stop begging stop chasing start demanding that she is done with the affair and fully working on the marriage or else you will file. 

She needs harsh reality shown to her and to have a big goal to earn

She needs to earn the chance to return
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Man, I am so sorry that you don't seem to listen. YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY! Read what everyone here has said. Do not forgive and forget at this time. FILE FOR DIVORCE. She needs to go no contact, have 100% transparency and do the heavy lifting and you need to really reconsider whether you want this woman in your life.

Man Up and remain strong. You are being played.

Been there, done that, have the T-shirt


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

hurting1296 said:


> Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
> But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
> I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
> She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
> Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


 Gee, do you wonder why she said she doesn't want to see him and make this a home? Because after she waltzed out the door, she went running to the OM because she was now free and they can finally be together. However, the OM threw her under the bus and probably wants to work on his marriage. NOW (with nowhere else to go) she wants back in! 

I would contact the OMW and find out what the deal is. I can pretty much guarantee you that she tells you that they are going to work on the marriage. Because, if she tells you that she kicked him to the curb, your wife wouldn't be there right now.

Oh, and drop that plan A crap. In my opinion, plan A is nothing more than kissing the cheater's ass. At this point you need to do some research into doing the 180. Look it up. I think it would work better for your situation.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

You haven't understood any of the advice given to you!

Come back when your ready, and read it again.

Before she carries your soul to the trash.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

and burn those books dude they aren't helping you at all. you need to do the opposite of what you are doing a real 180!
try to stop needing her make her need you its hard but you should be talking to an attorney about filing. Did you see "hitch" where
will smith catches his girlfriend making out in a car? he's crying and says "what did I do wrong?" the other man says "you are doing it now dude!"
don't be that guy! I don't mean to be harsh I'm in hell too-- we all are but please take the good advice that is being offered here and change course now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Blind,

You're doing it the right way. Whatever happens you get to hold your head up high with NO REGRETS. These other guys should read your threads and take a lesson from you.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

lol Thanks Beowulf! I really appreciate that, truthfully I don't know why I choose to go underground I just did might have been God's direction I don't know-but the lol is I'm like the wizard in wizard of oz " I can't come back I don't know how it works" I'm just as hurt, lost, and confused as anyone else here
I'm way down the rabbit hole. I hope I can be helpfull too but I'm just throwing my .02 in. have to remember I'm dealing with a serial cheater too not a one time thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Blind,
> 
> You're doing it the right way. Whatever happens you get to hold your head up high with NO REGRETS. These other guys should read your threads and take a lesson from you.


So what's the lesson here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

snap said:


> So what's the lesson here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The lesson is that when you have a spouse that is in the fog negotiating, begging, being nicer doesn't work. You need to take care to protect yourself first and then hit them right in the kisser with a large does of reality. Then you'll see whether you have a chance of R or be ready to follow through on the D. It puts the BS in the driver's seat which is where they need to be to accomplish anything.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 1) stop the begging, it doesn't help in the slightest and it's time to get your dignity back
> 2) she wants to continue her affair and the separation is a means to do it guilt free in her eyes- tell her if she leaves you file
> 3) recognize that you may have lost her no matter what you do but being firm in taking a stand is your best shot
> 
> ...


Yes. Stay strong and focus on yourself first. Never cry and it will show you are weak. Stay strong. I agree with Almostrecovered.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> The lesson is that when you have a spouse that is in the fog negotiating, begging, being nicer doesn't work. You need to take care to protect yourself first and then hit them right in the kisser with a large does of reality. Then you'll see whether you have a chance of R or be ready to follow through on the D. It puts the BS in the driver's seat which is where they need to be to accomplish anything.


Oh - I misunderstood you as suggesting the opposite, sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

snap said:


> Oh - I misunderstood you as suggesting the opposite, sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NP,

I often wonder if my W had not ended her affair on her own and I was forced to deal with it like so many on here how would I have handled it. If I had access to this site I'm sure I would have handled it like Blind or many of the others and dropped the hammer. But if I was on my own I wonder if I would have begged, pleaded, tried to be nicer to win her back. I would hope not since I am somewhat of a hard a$$ but I'm not sure.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

hurting1296 said:


> Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
> But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
> I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
> She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
> Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


First time reading this thread, things seemed to be proceeding normally, then this. Lets see, OM most likely threw your WW under the bus and is scrambling to save his marriage, so you immediately let her back in the house and let her continue to disrespect you. Have you not been reading the outstanding advice here from those who have been through this before you? Sorry buddy, but you need this 2x4. You get the Godzilla facepalm.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

lol too funny
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurting1296 said:


> Found out wife had an affair with coworker last month. *Confronted her and told her I won't leave and could forgive her.*
> She was so apologetic first week and then switched to mad and resentful with me the last two weeks. Yesterday, our first counseling appointment, she told me she needs to leave to find the happiness within herself. She's calling it a separationg.
> 
> I have been begging and pleading with her to giive me 6 months to show her I can change and to keep our family together. She keeps telling me she needs to focus on herself.
> ...


Have not read the rest of this but OMG. The one who needs to be begging and pleading is the WW. She is the one that must change. No woman wants a man who would beg for her after she has cuckolded him unless they are into humliating their partner for kicks. This is not attractive. She cheated on you. 

Stop begging and work on yourself. 

You need to let her go.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurting1296 said:


> Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
> But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
> *I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
> She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??*
> Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


She is cake eating. Let her go. She had to quite her job when you found out about this to begin with. You did not insist on that!? That is SOP. She had to go complete NC with this guy.
She did not find herself in a week. She got to have a vacation from her marriage, bang this other guy. His wife gave him h3ll over it. He dumped your wife. She is now on the open market for the next dude and wants you to support her u til she finds her next OM.

Seriously!? You don't want to appear selfish!? She should be doing the Plan A my friend. Not you. Stop humliating yourself.


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