# Wife of 4 Years Contacting Exs'... (Posted on Wrong Thread)



## txmaninblack (Apr 16, 2010)

I met this girl in 05. We dated a few weeks and broke up. Her ex, Ryan, she went to his house and happen to sleep with him that night. We got back together. Some time went by as we dated and then I found out she emailed her ex, Jimmy. She said it was just once and it was just catching up, and would never do it again. Well things we’re fine, I guess til July of 2009. I was over the road, but home every weekend. I get a text that her mom wanted to take her out to eat. I said great, then 40 minutes later she texts me saying I’m going to be mad and disappointed. She had contacted her ex-boyfriend and ex first love Chris and was suppose to be going to dinner with him. She didn’t want to, and didn't, but she was just lonely, so I quit my job and came home that night. 

Well I found out today of her secret email and facebook acconts where 2 of the 3 exs were apart of. Nothing was up on it just exs. Well I found out she had called her one ex, Jimmy, who was a teacher her senior year she slept with. I found the number back then and she said it was her boss and not to call it, wish I would have now lol. Well this was around October when this account was active and made. 

Anyways we seperated in February, and she contacted all three of her exs, 1 is a drunk still, married working in Missouri telling her he still loves her, the other one Chris, told her that he wanted nothing to do with her. The other ex, Jimmy lives 6 hours away so not that convient. We got back together in March.

Well I confronted her and she apologized for it all and said she was depressed cause of her figure since the baby borned 2 years ago, and not having money, tho now I’m making great money. She also kinda got defensive calling me crazy for snooping. So I want to know what you would do with knowing all this?

I have always cleaned the house, cooked all the meals. I don't drink much or go out with the buddies, I go to work and come home and spend time with the family. I do the yard work, and try to do everything I can to make her life a little easier. She says I ***** too much, but thats about it. 


PLEASE ADVICE!


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## txmaninblack (Apr 16, 2010)

I am still waiting for some advice, I don't know what to do!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

First - could you put this in more of a chronological order? It seems kind of jumbled up and it would be easier to reference parts of it if I could see what happened when...

You were separated in Feb - why?

Why did you get back together?

Other than that - just need to find out what is going on NOW (April).....


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

When she calls you crazy for snooping. Remember part of a job of a husband is to protect his marriage at any cost (within legal reason). 

With that said, she has a horrible case of selfishness. But then again, I think you have also taken to much responsability on and gave her none.


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## txmaninblack (Apr 16, 2010)

I met this girl in 05. We dated a few weeks and broke up. Her ex, Ryan, she went to his house and happen to sleep with him that night. We got back together. Some time went by as we dated and then I found out she emailed her ex, Jimmy. She said it was just once and it was just catching up, and would never do it again. Well things we’re fine, I guess til July of 2009. I was over the road, but home every weekend. I get a text that her mom wanted to take her out to eat. I said great, then 40 minutes later she texts me saying I’m going to be mad and disappointed. She had contacted her ex-boyfriend and ex first love Chris and was suppose to be going to dinner with him. She didn’t want to, and didn't, but she was just lonely, so I quit my job and came home that night. 


Anyways we seperated in February, and she contacted all three of her exs, 1 is a drunk still, married working in Missouri telling her he still loves her, the other one Chris, told her that he wanted nothing to do with her. The other ex, Jimmy lives 6 hours away so not that convient. We got back together in March.

Well I found out today of her secret email and facebook acconts where 2 of the 3 exs were apart of. Nothing was up on it just exs. Well I found out she had called her one ex, Jimmy, who was a teacher her senior year she slept with. I found the number back then and she said it was her boss and not to call it, wish I would have now lol. Well this was around October 2009 when this account was active and made and the phone call(s) we're made.

Well I confronted her and she apologized for it all and said she was depressed cause of her figure since the baby borned 2 years ago, and not having money, tho now I’m making great money. She also kinda got defensive calling me crazy for snooping. So I want to know what you would do with knowing all this?

I have always cleaned the house, cooked all the meals. I don't drink much or go out with the buddies, I go to work and come home and spend time with the family. I do the yard work, and try to do everything I can to make her life a little easier. She says I ***** too much, but thats about it. 

I was over in Louisiana working in the oilfields and we never saw each other. We decided to seperate cause I wasn't around and we wasn't happy. Well after about a month we decided we wanted to be together again. And thats why we are back together now. I kinda got it in order above for you.


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## txmaninblack (Apr 16, 2010)

Yesterday was when I found out about the secret email address and facebook account, but wasn't active since October, created in September.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks for the extry input!

Ok, so - to make sure I got this all straight:

You met in 2005, dated a few weeks and then broke up.

After you broke up, she slept with an ex.

*(Question: is this an ex-husband or just old boyfriend?)*

Some time after she slept with him, you started dating again.

Then you found out that she had sent an email to another ex...she said that was a one-time thing.

*(Question: another ex-husband, or an ex-boyfriend?)*

You continued 'dating' for several years - and in 2009 she told you she had contacted another ex (boyfriend?) who wanted to take her out, but she did not want to...but she was lonely..

So - you quit your job...and came back home...

*Question: were you living together then? If so, when did you get a place together?* You didn't mention that you were living together...

*Question: how long were you 'back home' before you went back to Louisiana where you 'never saw each other'?*

In February of 2010, you separated. While you were separated, she got in contact with all three of her ex's. 

You got back together in March of 2010. 

*Question: Why did you get back together, if you both were unhappy? Did you find a way to fix the unhappiness? What did you do to help each other feel happier?*

In April of 2010, you found an old facebook account (no longer active?) that had been set up in October 2009, in which her only 'friends' were her 3 'ex's'. When you confronted her about this, she apologized, and gave you a couple of reasons why she did it.

Is that all pretty straight? If it is, then I have some MORE questions! (Sorry about that - it helps to have as much info as possible before giving any exact advice...)

*1) When were you married?* (You kind of left that part out...)

*2) Where are you working now? Still in Louisiana? Or do you work near home?*

Here are some thoughts I have right off hand:

You say that you 'clean the house' - you mean the house she lives in? You do yard work, etc. You mention that you don't hang out with buddies, drink much, etc - and that you go to work and then come how to spend time with the family.....

*3) Do you have kids?*

My initial guess is that while you do all of those things, there are other things that mean more to her. Not that doing those things aren't bad - especially the 'come how to spend time with the family' part - which may be much more important to her! What I mean is that it is very easy to guess what someone wants, and then do THAT, instead of finding out what they want - and doing that.

Here's something to consider: when you asked her why she contacted these guys, she said because she felt lonely. Now - that means different things to different people - but my guess is that this is a major factor in your marriage - something that needs big work. 

As for what to do? First thing is to let her know you love her, and you want to be with her. Let her know that out loud. Next, tell you you are upset about her contacting these ex's. Ask her flat out if she is still contacting them. 

Regardless of her answer, the next thing you'll want to do is to make a respectful request that she cut these guys out of her life. Tell her they are water under the bridge, but you are her man now, and any time she turns to another man, she is both hurting you and also telling you that you aren't as important to her as her ex's are. Tell her that whenever she contacts these guys, she's having an affair, and that affairs are fatal to marriages.

Also tell her you want to work on your marriage (most women love to work on relationships, so she most likely will be happy with that). 

Don't go any farther than that without coming back here and letting us know what happens...we can help you proceed after that...

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## txmaninblack (Apr 16, 2010)

Okay sorry, we we're married in 2006. Well we both kinda had the seperatation and realized we did want to be together, just needed to fix things. 

Alot had to do financially. No matter what I did, I could find jobs to pay the bills but wouldn't have much left over, and I am guessing alot was just her not being securely taken care of and just wondering what happened to the other 3. Cause if she wanted to be with someone else she would have, instead of doing it from a distance.

I work for a company locally, but we are still working in Louisiana so I'm gone for a week and home a couple days, but the pay is great, and now we are able to get caught up with stuff, and we are taking a vacation this year to a place she use to go every year growing up. When we got back together she promised no contact, I stumbled apond this old accounts she wasn't using, but I didn't know about back then.

Saturday night, we had a great talk, she sincerely apologized, and promised it would never happen again, and she has turned back into that person I feel in love with. The loving, careing, considerate woman that I knew. I think alot of hers was financial, not emotional you know.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Alot had to do financially. No matter what I did, I could find jobs to pay the bills but wouldn't have much left over, and I am guessing alot was just her not being securely taken care of and just wondering what happened to the other 3. Cause if she wanted to be with someone else she would have, instead of doing it from a distance.


That's what it sounds like to me, at least from what you say in these posts. It could have been just curiosity, wondering what happened, and although that's not the correct way to go about the problem, at least it did not go farther.

What would have worked better would have been for her to tell you she was curious, and keep you in on the entire deal, sharing emails, etc. No contact is still a very, very good idea. She is married to you, and you to her, and you are there to fill her needs, she is there to fill yours. Turning to any other person to get a need filled that your spouse can fill instead is the basis, if not the definition of an affair.



> Saturday night, we had a great talk, she sincerely apologized, and promised it would never happen again, and she has turned back into that person I feel in love with. The loving, careing, considerate woman that I knew. I think alot of hers was financial, not emotional you know.


There is something to consider here: when marriage support people talk of emotional needs, it is very vague. The fact that your wife has troubles with not feeling securely taken care of due to finances, the issue is that she 'feels' some sort of fear, or worry, etc., about not having a backup in case things go financially south. Maybe she likes a grander life-style - who knows? The fact that she undergoes emotional reactions to financial stress is the point when we say there is an 'emotional' need to be filled.

The bigger issue is this: how do you know what her needs are? A lot of people make the mistake of _assuming_ what someone's needs are. Often we can be pretty close on the strongest needs - for example, your wife's financial need. But can you be sure? 

One thing that I've found is that if you know three or four of her strongest needs, and are able to keep them filled - that even if one of them goes south for a while, the fact that the others are being filled means that there is still a strong marriage. 

That's why we suggest always doing one of these quizzes with your spouse (each of you take it for them self) and then discuss it in detail with each other. You may find out some surprising things. 

One thing I suspect is that your wife prefers your companionship to your being away - and that it would be wise to consider moving nearer to where you work so that you can be home. 

First questionnaire: Emotional Needs. This one, from marriagebuilders.com - is short and concise, and yet pretty thorough - it gives you a great way to find out what you need from your spouse, and what your spouse needs from you.

This one (Love Kindlers) from affaircare.com is the same idea - but a bit more in depth.

The Love Busters questionnaire covers things that you may do to each other that destroy the love you feel. By learning specifically what you may be doing that hurts your spouse, and then working hard to eliminate it, you build a stronger and more secure marriage.

Finally, the MBTI quiz - very insightful into the way you view life and how you communicate with other people. When you find your 'type' - research it to find out your strengths and weaknesses (and your spouse's) - this is quite fun, and gives some very deep insight into your relationship - and other ways to improve it.

Doing all of this with your spouse has several benefits: for example, as you discuss what you find out, you will become closer to each other. They help you get rid of things that harm one another and the marriage. They help you to understand both you and your spouse much more.

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