# My wife won't take care of her health.



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I love my wife more than anyone but in the last two years her heath both mentally and physically have gone down hill terribly. 

When I married her she was a healthy fit well built woman who was fun, outgoing smart and active. Now she is anything but those.

She put on at least 40 pounds has too many excuses for why she cant or does not need exercise even though it's very clear she does than I can count plus has near zero stamina for any level of physical exertion and mentally she isn't anywhere close to being the same person I knew her as two years ago when we got married. 

She has some very concerning health issues she chooses to ignore that are very obvious but to her are not worth having looked at let alone worth doing something about. One is her blood pressure regularly goes sky high. Once we were at the store and she got real disoriented and almost passed out. I had her check her blood pressure on the machine they had there and she was right at the top of its reading limits. 200+over 160+ or something like that. 

I cant get her to to go outside for walks regardless of what I say or do. It's always too cold, too hot, too windy, too humid, to many bugs, her back hurts, her head hurts, her feet hurt, she's too old, (37 not 87) or she has some pointless something or other in the house that has to suddenly be done right now. 
If she does go outside it seems like no matter what I tell her she always ends up with the wrong shoes, wrong clothes or develops a headache or backache and has to go back in the house shortly after. If its not related to going to or from work or getting things she needs being outside is not going to happen. 

In fact now she has gotten to the point that when she decides the garbage needs dumping she just tosses the bags out the door into the yard and gets after me to carry them to the cans.

Mentally I feel like I am living with a lazy jealous irresponsible confrontational teenager/child too much of the time. 

She can't remember simple stuff from one day to the next plus forgets how to do activities that should be life long second hand actions like which end of garden hose fits on to what. Plus too many of these incidences and many other things end in outrageous fits or pouting when they do not go the way she wanted or she can't figure something simple out.

I am at my wits end and about half tempted to kick her out but we have her 70 year old dad and her/now our 5 year old daughter live with us. 

I have scheduled a meeting with a psychologist for myself this week to make sure I have fair grounds to stand on in hopes of getting her to eventually go with me and get professionally reviewed. 

So far I have suspicions of depression, possible OCD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or multiple personality disorder. All of the online evaluation tests I have found for each tends to score moderate to high risk when I fill them out even while being conservative on how I rate her actions.

BTW I have done the tests reviewing myself and I have none that score out of the normal ranges so I am fairly sure its' not all me. 

Any thoughts?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

married tech said:


> I have scheduled a meeting with *a psychologist for myself*.


Very smart move, Tech. (By the way, welcome to the TAM forum!) If your W does have strong traits of BPD, her psychologist likely would not tell her, much less tell you, the name of her disorder. Generally, therapists withhold this information to protect their clients (for reasons I've discussed in other threads). Hence, when a spouse is suspecting BPD, I always encourage him to contact a psychologist who is not seeing or treating his W and thus is ethically bound to protect HIS best interests, not hers.


> I have suspicions of depression, possible OCD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or multiple personality disorder.


Neither you nor I is capable of diagnosing your W's issues. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the warning signs for various disorders. Most people, for example, are unable to diagnose breast cancer and heart attacks but nonetheless are able to spot some of the warning signs. Moreover, when you meet with the psychologist, the very first thing he is likely to ask for are the symptoms you're seeing. 

The symptom you mention that is most alarming, IMO, is your W's inability to remember how to do simple things, e.g., forgetting what end of the hose is to be attached to the water spout. That problem, together with her nearly passing out at times, may be a warning sign for a physical impairment -- e.g., hormone change, brain injury, or brain tumor. The most likely cause -- as you've already suspected -- is her having very high or very low blood pressure, which would cause confusion and great difficulty in thinking. 

Similarly, the lazziness may not be related to depression but, rather, to a hormone problem such as hypothyroidism, which would cause severe fatigue. I therefore would encourage your W to see a good medical doctor or a psychiatrist (who is a psychologist also having a medical degree).

As to the disorders you "have suspicions of," the only one you support with any specific examples is OCD (e.g., you mention her having a tirade over your moving some plastic dishes a few inches in the cabinet). IMO, you mention no pattern of behaviors consistent with the other disorders you mention. Significantly, I'm not saying she doesn't have those disorders but, rather, that you've provided no detail in your brief posts to indicate there are warning signs. 

Yet, given your expressed concerns about potential bipolar and BPD, I would be glad to discuss them with you. If you would like to do that, I suggest you take a look at my description of 18 red flags for BPD at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ried-about-my-son-sorry-long.html#post1297851. 

I also describe 12 differences I've seen between the behavior of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPD sufferers (e.g., my exW) at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. If those descriptions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Tech.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to that appointment and follow his/her instructions on what to do for your wife.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Those are very alarming symptoms, get her to a doctor now. Also, go with her so she doesn't play them down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Thanks! 

yes I am aware I am not properly qualified to diagnose her possible disorders. The best I can do is document and monitor them. 
However that said I am by trade a highly skilled and experienced service tech and mechanic so I understand and appreciate when the person who brings something to me that is not working right has some relevant ideas or theories and descriptions of what they are seeing that I can follow and understand. 

That's why I am here. I am looking for advice and opinions for others who have been and have gone beyond where I am at now.

I have strong suspicions that the large part of her problems are in fact hormone and physical health related. Unfortunately that is the two subjects she fights the hardest against having looked at or taking care of herself. 

High blood pressure, hypothyroidism, and diabetes run in her family and she knows it. She just does not want to deal with the facts that she is at the age where if she has the genetic traits that those health conditions are going to switch form being subtle secondary to more dominate primary factors in her health and life quality. 

Relating to the OCD that runs in our family to some degree and in the past I have had some personal issues with it so I have fair understanding of the signs that separate being detail orientated from being outright rationally fixated on a certain routines or organizational patterns. 

I also have chronic mild depression, genetic predisposition towards low dopamine and serotonin production/regulation, that I have to treat with a 40 mg fluoxetine pill every day whether I like it or not. The mild antidepressant tends to also keep my little OCD monster under control rather well as a nice secondary effect.:smthumbup:


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

hi mt, i've read this thread now and wonder if you've had a chance to consult with a psychologist for yourself and/or an MD for your wife? i'm very sorry to read that things have reached this pass for you. 

my stbxw's grandmother lost a limb to diabetes, and her father had a heart attack. she herself has a serious weight problem, which in itself didn't interfere in my feelings, but her absolute indolence about it (and about her drinking and other things too) did interfere in my feelings. there are other details in your post which describe situations which are very similar to my w's behaviors, and to my reactions to those behaviors! so i'll be interested to hear how things go with you.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I went to a counselor last week for a personal visit to see what can be done and to see what I can do or am doing wrong. 

She was very interested in the symptoms and actions my wife is exhibiting and was reassuring to me that I am not to blame for this. 

There are things I should have handled differently and better but given the circumstances she did understand my frustration levels I am experiencing. 
She wants to meet with my wife next so I made an appointment for her which when I told her has pretty much stopped all non essential communication from her to me. She is really pissed off with me for having done it. She really feels she does not have a problem and does not need help.  
(I have another thread running on that subject elsewhere in the general relationship section.)

My immediate family and friends are aware of what's going on and I have a good backing being they are aware of her changes in the last year. They just did not realize how bad things got at home with her in the last few months. 

I am not expecting this to be an easy or quick fix if she is willing to get it fixed at all.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In another thread you mentioned she's from a different culture. How long has she lived in the USA? Long enough to have adjusted some or is she an FOB (that's immigrant speak for Fresh Off Boat)

Also you mentioned she has a daughter from a previous relationship. Any intel on that?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

She's been in the US for over three years now plus has spent her working life around americans. Very little of what she saw when she first got her was new to her and at the time she loved the new experiences and challenges and wanted to learn as much as possible about everything. 

She was a very adaptable outgoing intelligent and impressive woman who was always bubbly kind and never demanding or blamed others for what went wrong in her life and was that way for the first two years she was here.

Now she is nearly the polar opposite. Lazy demanding, irrational far from intelligent in what she does and says and blaming me for all of it without concern for my feeling in not a problem. If anything some days I think she gets off on it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Three years is not enough - take my word on it - for full adjustment. Many people don't adjust at thirty years.

But three years is enough for the newness to wear out and the reality to sink in. 

If she was well off to do back home it's difficult to adjust to a lesser (materially) reality here. Or if she got her ideas of America from media etc.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Her family was no better off than mine. Likely slightly less so.

Actually she always says she prefers the US over Turkey except for the winters here which I don't blame her for that feeling. 

She doesn't like our health care or how our government runs things but then no one else does either so thats a wash. 

All things considered she still says she prefers living here than where she used to. It's not perfect here but then we don't have 10,000 people per square mile either and those that are here are as nice or nicer than the average people she dealt with in her normal day to day life. .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You gotta know that most people outside the US see us as rich spoiled brats that deserve what they get. In her mind, IMO, whatever work you have to do to take care of her is no big deal. Since you're inherently better off than everyone else.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I wouldn't say I am inherently better off than anyone else. 

I just try to manage my life and resources better than what I see so many people doing in their lives. I don't see myself as a quitter and I don't give up easily when I have to deal with difficult situations.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I was referring more to her adjusting to the realities of life in the USA. Behaviors that many people take for granted are not acceptable in the USA (say, talking loudly, waving hands, etc) while those are par for the course in that region. Not different from where I come from further west.

My wife was the most Westernized person from the small bunch I know from her country (most people can't find the country to begin with). Then when our daughters discovered the opposite gender, all kinds of he!! broke loose esp. with our older one. It did not help that both girls attract boys like flies. Then she turned conservative - politically and mentally. The kids had to become doctors (one is on the way, the older decided design is better but it nearly cost us the marriage, which really never recovered). Then came BPD...

But things work in interesting ways. A former neighbor was Turkish and he worked here for 20 years, marrying an American lady. She took to the culture faster than anyone I ever thought possible, cooked amazing dishes (as ranked by his friends), and finally after 25 years they said the heck with it and went back, and they're having a blast. So love can overcome lots of things.

Having said all this, she needs to get into some counseling and address healthy concerns. I have mild HBP myself and it's not fun.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

my father lived in the US for 43 years and in his head he never left the old country. but i'd agree that accommodation to a new culture doesn't seem to be the root issue here. my w, referenced in my post above, is a DAR.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There's not always an illness. Maybe it's just old fashion bait and switch. She worked her tail off to get someone to marry her and then quit trying once she got you. Maybe she resents you because her life sucks and she's too lazy to take ownership of it.

I say hold those around you accountable.


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## Tenyears (Jul 28, 2014)

I totally related to the statement "Mentally I feel like I am living with a lazy jealous irresponsible confrontational teenager/child too much of the time." My wife is born and raised in the US but when she gets depressed she becomes a raging Catholic, Irish, Alcoholic and proud of it. These are her words not mine. Nothing I say or do is good enough or right or acceptable. The worst part is she doesn't view herself as having any problem because she claims its a cultural thing a Wasp would never understand. When she is not depressed she is one of the most wonderful people I know. My problem is how to survive her depressive episodes? How can I keep a marriage going if one person mentally checks out?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, I didn't get quite that bad, but for the last 7-10 years I greatly declined in health. Prior to that I seemed fit and healthy, but I think it was my good genes and youth carrying most of the load, then it all got too much.

I used to wake up early and nearly jump out of bed. Fast forward to even just a few weeks ago and I had to literally drag myself out of bed of a morning, always running late.

Very unhappy with my body, at least 10-15kg overweight, no muscle tone, tired, unhappy, you name it.

There's always a reason not to do anything about it because she probably really doesn't feel like anything she does makes a difference. I've been down that road many times.

Recently signed up to a free online challenge to 'tone and shape'. Gave me a meal plan, an exercise schedule, the works. Even a place to blog (privately), access to a forum with other people on it etc. I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think it's always related to 'mental illness'. Sometimes I think our bad habits catch up with us. I think what we put in our mouths makes a huge impact on who we are. A person who eats crap will be crap. Once the food takes it's toll, getting the energy to exercise and pull yourself out of the rut takes a big push, and hope. I saw the pictures of the women who did the challenge last year, before and after. It gave me hope, made me believe it was possible.

Edited to add: I didn't deliberately become tired and overweight because I got married. I think it would've happened regardless. My foundations of knowledge about my body were all wrong, and they crumbled.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I realize this is quite old, so I don't know if OP will see this, but one thing that struck me was forgetting something basic like how to connect a hose. A lady I work with put on a lot of weight, stopped being her usual active and bubbly self and could forget what she was going to do or someone's name she's known for years or how to do something she's done for years. 

In her instance it turned out to be thyroid. Once she was on medication, her ability to focus came back, her ability to think/reason and her personality recovered as well as her drive to take better care of herself.

Although it could be bait and switch, psychological or not adapting as well as you thought to the US, it could also be physical or hormonal. I hope she also gets or has had a physical.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Yes. Could be that this woman is deeply unhappy about herself but is unable to say so as being honest enough to admit it may lead to D. Gaining a lot of weight like this could well be due to her comfort-eating and numbing herself (self-medicating) to escape from the reality. 

People don't sometimes realise that marriage takes a lot of efforts and care which would need to be ongoing indefinitely and constantly before they actually get married. Some people struggle to cope with the realities of day-to-day marriage when they were so unprepared beforehand.


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