# New here and desperate for help with sexless marriage



## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

DH and I are both in our early 50's. We're fairly active and it's not our age that's the problem for us. DH has high blood pressure and diabetes. Those conditions AND the meds he takes for them have caused ED and a very low sex drive for him. Our sex life has been pretty nonexistent for the past 18 years. 

For the first year of our marriage the sex was decent. During year two it was okay. But once the ED hit in year three, we were down to mutual masturbation whenever we had sex. That's when the fighting about it started. Because he couldn't, he wouldn't try. Viagara and the like did nothing for him. I've asked him to see a specialist but he says there's nothing they can do for him (which I know is a cop-out but can't convince him otherwise).

I've been patient with him - to a point. But, even though I'm post-menopausal, I still want sex! (We actually went an entire year without any sex and when I mentioned that to him he was shocked it had been so long!) I've rotated through all of the cycles of emotions with him - I've tried:

- being angry (I try not to do that too often. I know the ED is NOT his fault and I've never told him anything to make him think I did)
- crying (Thought he'd feel a little pity for me - uh... no)
- showing him I was depressed (that worked a few times but then I felt 'cheap' afterwards)
- good natured joking (that worked a few times, too. But not anymore)
- reasoning with him (that worked once)
- threatening him with leaving (that worked once AND he even said that NOW he realized how important this was to me... uh excuse me? All those times I said it was important over the last 18 years didn't mean anything to him? Huh?)

He SAYS he knows he should try harder and more often. He SAYS he knows I deserve better. He PROMISES that I will never have to complain about the quantity and quality of our sex but nothing ever changes. I feel like a Class A Fool! 

I've tried to initiate but he just goes to bed with his back to me. There was even one Thanksgiving Day that I spent the whole day kissing him whenever we passed by each other. And I don't mean little pecks on the lips - I mean deep, long kisses. That night, he just gave me a peck on the cheek and rolled over. That was the beginning of our year without sex. By the next year I asked him when was the last time we really kissed and he said he didn't know. When I reminded him it was last Thanksgiving, he was genuinely shocked. I've tried sexy lingerie and he just pulls the blankets up and asks for a 'rain check'.

And, yet I still love him (although there are times when I could just !!!) I won't divorce him - I care too much for him for that. But even when I tell him that I'd just prefer some time to myself to take care of my urges, he balks.

He promises to change. He promises to make more of an effort, but then he doesn't. He just doesn't try. I've told him that we are nothing more than roommates and he says he doesn't want that to stay that way, but it's like his sex drive is so dang low that he forgets that I'm there!

He had a vasectomy right after we were married so we could be more spontaneous and then he almost immediately forgot to be spontaneous! I've told him how utterly rejected I feel, but it doesn't do any good. As a matter of fact, nothing does any good. There are no words left anymore that I haven't already used.

We've tried each writing down what we want from each other and then talking about it. He wants more hand-holding and kissing. I gave him that gladly. I wanted more cuddling and sex and I'm still waiting!

Any suggestions? Thanks!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi, sorry you have such a huge problem, but I have no reaction with anything useful at this moment.

Only that my first reaction on



> DH has high blood pressure and diabetes. Those conditions AND the meds he takes for them have caused ED and a very low sex drive for him. Our sex life has been pretty nonexistent for the past 18 years.


was: It is a dietary problem. 

But that is just my instinctual reaction. Not much more.

If I was a doctor I would say quit all sugar and any food made in a factory. Any soda's. Etc. etc.

Sugar kills.

On the whole I have further only the idea that the vasectomy could be a problem. It is known to have a possible effect on E, I thought.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

PS

(The usual questions are further: Can he be gay, are there signs (red flags) of a possible affair, meaning: 'he likes sex, but maybe not with you'.)


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

We both eat a diet based on Weight Watchers Core Programs - lots of fruits and veggies, very lean meats and nuts for protein, whole grains, healthy oils. Very little processed foods or sugar. Non-fat dairy. His one big vice is diet soda - he can go through a lot of it one day!

I didn't want him to have the vasectomy but that didn't seem to affect him any - at least not right away. I know that it could be part of the problem, though.

I just don't understand how a man can say he loves you, promise to do whatever necessary to show you that, and then just not bother! I've poured out my heart to this man and he just seems to laugh it off as another one my moods!

I should say that up until just last year I was the major income maker in the house. Our roles were quite reversed in that he did most of the cooking and stuff (he was just better at it!). Then he got laid off and I lost my job a month after that. He just started back at a new job about 6 months ago and I have yet to even get called back for a job interview. We've lost our house and are now in an apartment. I took over all of the cooking and household chores so our roles are more "traditional" now. But this problem predates all of these problems. In fact, even though money is tighter, our financial problems brought us closer together and he seems happier with me doing all of the 'woman's work' now. And I LOVE not having a huge house to take care of since it's just the two of us.

It comes down to my bitterness that he shows more affection to our two cats than he does to me.


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

I have never had any indication or suspicion that he was gay OR that he was having an affair. He has friends that are female but he doesn't care if I see their texts to each other (they are mostly about their mutual pets).

Before we were married he used to go to dinner monthly with one female friend but that stopped when we got engaged. The only contact they have now is the annual Christmas card.

No, I've never had any inkling that he's trying to hide something from me. He emails me from work off and on all day and then comes straight home from work. We rarely go anywhere separately. He seems to genuinely enjoy spending time with me when not at work.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Then the only thing left to do for you is take action on this



> I've asked him to see a specialist but he says there's nothing they can do for him (which I know is a cop-out but can't convince him otherwise).


You need to have him understand his behavior has to stop and change, or the relation will stop and change.

You need an action plan you are prepared to execute, so he gets shocked out of his fantasy land. You need to think about leaving him, only if you ultimately would do that you can use it as a warning in your action plan.

But I would suggest you take some intermediate action steps to make him clear you are serious about this. 

I suspect him being passive agressive about the whole issue, he might be laughing this off, but subconscious have built up a resentment towards you, or towards the situation in the past. You need to dig out if that can be, and what could be the cause. He could for example felt to have been robbed of his manhood by the role reversal earlier in your relation. Things like that.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Did this all start when he had a vasectomy?

Sometimes they can cause problems, maybe he was to scared to say anything and it has just escalated


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It is a complete myth that vasectomy causes ED. Your husband's vasectomy has nothing AT ALL to do with his ED.

He got a vasectomy even though you didn't want him to. You were okay with him not including your opinion on whether to ever have children? Door Mat mistake.

He has not been affectionate and has turned off his sexual libido for your entire marriage. And you have begged, pouted, cried, and essentially waited for him to do something. Door Mat mistake. 

You don't even get enough alone time to masturbate, and you put up with this. Door Mat Mistake.

You have sent him a clear signal that your feelings and needs are not that important, so of course he has ignored them.

Your options are:

1. Chin up and accept the fact that you will live the rest of your life never having experienced a satisfying, vigorous and healthy sex life.

2. Have an affair.

3. Divorce him. He doesn't love you. He loves being safe in his little cocoon of ignorance where he doesn't have to do uncomfortable things like talk about his penis that doesn't work. He loves being a pretender more than he loves you. This will not change. EVER.

There is no magic pill or perfect word choice that will make him have a care for your needs, particularly since you've given him every indication that your needs aren't important enough for him to have to leave his comfort zone to deal with his ED. His ED is his problem, not yours. You have done everything and he has done nothing. You can make him see a specialist, you can't make him take ED drugs, you can't make him loose weight so his veins and arteries are healthy enough to support an erection. 

You have been a door mat for 18 years. Go see a lawyer and begin the paper work for divorce. Find a new place to live and start living the life you've always wanted. You can still have a relationship with this man, if you want, but you will be free to find a man who actually loves you. And there are LOTS of men leaving their wives because their needs aren't being met who would love to meet a woman who is interested in the same things they are.

Good luck.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Vasectomy may not cause ED but it can cause problems in some cases 

He might get pain when having an erection which will stop him wanting sex


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Vasectomy may not cause ED but it can cause problems in some cases
> 
> He might get pain when having an erection which will stop him wanting sex


Post-vasectomy erectile dysfunction. [J Psychosom Res. 1994] - PubMed - NCBI

Sorry Charlie, tis a myth.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

By taking divorce off the table you've removed any power you might have had, so he has all of it and you have none. Why would you even want sex when you have to nag, beg, and plead for it? It wouldn't be empty if you got it that way? I'm a firm believer that people do what they want to do and they show you who they are, you just have to listen. He doesn't want sex with you, so make your plans accordingly. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Post-vasectomy erectile dysfunction. [J Psychosom Res. 1994] - PubMed - NCBI
> 
> Sorry Charlie, tis a myth.


Google post vasectomy pain syndrome


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Google post vasectomy pain syndrome


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It is very rare, so rare I could not find a study that included incidence rate. One would thin the OP's husband would have mentioned something about chromic debilitating pain post vasectomy? It seems to me that this syndrome is more likely caused by botched vasectomy rather then a spontaneous event.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband has ED. He has just been prescribed Viagra and it works just fine. However, the doctor made it abundantly clear that Viagra only works if the man is turned on in the first place. In other words his brain has to instigate the erection and Viagra will then work to keep it there. If Viagra and other similar drugs are not working then the first (though I agree not the only) conclusion I can come to is that it is a mental issue with him.

You said you wanted more cuddling and sex. Well, ED clearly can make sex difficult but there are plenty of fun and satisfying things you can do without penetrative sex being involved. If he isn't even giving cuddles then you have a big problem. Maybe a psychological therapist can get to the bottom of it, assuming you can get him to go.

I agree with much of what Anon Pink said.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MrsLady....the problem is that your husband is LD for physical reasons and he isn't going to change. That's it. There's nothing else to it. Many people of both genders are LD and most do not change. Even those that make great efforts to meet the sexual needs of their spouses don't actually change usually, but just have to put in a lot of effort, and that effort is a choice, not a requirement. You already know all you need to know about what your husband's choice is...he chooses NOT to make the effort to meet your needs.

So if you are not going to divorce him, you have no way to cause change.

You can continue to beg, plead, have talks, if you want...he *might* eventually decide to change just because he is tired of hearing you talk about it.

By refusing to divorce, this is your fate, though. At best, he will only change temporarily just to shut you up.

So...accepting that you are choosing to stay in this sexless marriage as it is, and figure out how to fulfill yourself in other ways, seems like your only option.

I know it is sad that there's "no answer". Everyone who comes to a forum like this with your particular problem is hoping that there is something they haven't tried yet that will work to magically change their spouse into behaving the way you would hope for. But there never is that magic answer. The talking, begging, pleading, crying you've done, that is really all you can do....unless you really are willing to divorce.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So he's diabetic, on meds, has a low to no sex drive and has ED.

You're both eating healthy.

He should be going for power walks and light weight training every day to help burn away fat, lose weight, blood pressure will drop, maybe no more meds, sex drive will improve......you get sex.

If he doesn't or can't do this, have him wear a strap on that you would pick out and give it to you every day. No ED, going at it for hours if you wish.

Either he does these things for you because he loves you or he does nothing and you move on and find a man who would take care of you and your needs. Divorce papers might get him to change or it might not.

You still have a good sex drive post menopausal and you're only in your 50's.

I doubt he's gay or having an affair. Need wood for that.

Drinking a lot of soda each day will spike his insulin levels and he will gain fat weight. I only drink water, almond milks and sometimes soya milks.


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who responded. I've read every post twice and found a little bit of help in every one.

Hubby is, bottom line, my best friend. He's the best guy I've ever been with (besides the sex). He's kind and considerate outside the bedroom and an extremely patient with my moods. If I'm not feeling well in the middle of the night, he gets dressed and goes to the all night drug store for whatever I need. And he's genuinely bemused when I tell him I feel bad that he has to do that. He'll say things like "you're my wife - what did you expect me to do?"

I think I'm going to try one more talk with him. Tell him that we need to schedule a night to have a romp every week to start. It might not be the same night every week, but it'll be at least once a week to start. We did talk at that 30 day challenge and he said he was all for it, but I told him I thought it was a little too aggressive to start things up. Like going from 0 to 80 in 10 seconds. I think we need to take a few baby steps first. BUT he has to agree to the once a week thing. I don't need penetrative sex - I just need to be physically close to the big lug! (You would think he'd be flattered just by that!)

For my part I'm going to try AGAIN to be the initiator. It doesn't do me any good to lie there and wait for him to make a move and then boohoo when he doesn't. It's me that has the need and so it's me that has to let him know. Whatever night we choose to schedule will be by mutual agreement, of course, but I need to be more assertive here. Who knows, maybe that will lead to a few more spontaneous romps. And if it doesn't, then at least we'll have our scheduled sessions.

Once we get past that hurdle, I'll tackle the subject of his getting some artificial assistance. Whether that's a strap-on or an implant will require a lot more research on both our parts.

AND we have both started walking more. And we're both just started lifting weights (me with the smaller weights to keep my muscle tone up an he with the heavier weights). Maybe with the healthier eating, walking, and workouts we'll be ready for the 30 day challenge by the time we're emotionally ready for it.

Peace and blessings to us all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's a great attitude and is the only one likely to get you what you want. Good job and good luck.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> It is a complete myth that vasectomy causes ED. Your husband's vasectomy has nothing AT ALL to do with his ED.


I thought I remembered to have heard this. It's the reason I did not have a vasectomy, I don't like the risk.

So, I just googled, and it is clear to me that there are a lot of problems with ED after vasectomy. 

This is wrong info, and you need to correct your post seen the severity of the subject.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Someone in a comment above said 'there is no magic pill here'. That might not be true. My H acted very much like your H (note: my H had a vasectomy too and I don't think that was a factor). I suspected my H had low testosterone. It took me months to get up the courage to ask my H to get tested, and he said he wouldn't go for a special visit but would ask at his yearly physical so I had to wait several more months. Finally, he was tested and had low T. It is very important to have the Dr. check your H's 'free' testosterone not just the total. Your H should mention the issue is affecting his marriage, and insist on treatment if he is 'borderline' (e.g. if his total T is around 400 ng/dl that is borderline). Really your H's total T should be at least 500 ng/dl. Some guys have a libido at 400 or maybe even 300, but many don't until they are in the 500-600 ng/dl range.

T shots are inexpensive if you go to a compounded pharmacy since you are not using a patented drug, even if insurance doesn't cover it (you still need a prescription). But if you have insurance coverage, you can get prescription Pfizer testosterone cypionate injectable from most any pharmacy. There's is no need to use expensive patented forms like Androgel or testosterone pellets.

Since my H has been on T shots (his total T levels about 700-800 ng/dl), he is now interested every other night (and a few times 3-4 nights in a row!) For the past 15 years, he was only interested once or twice a month. Also, he is so much more into it during the act, and has stronger orgasms, making sex worth it for him. 

It hasn't changed his personality, he still sort of seems to prefer me being the more active one, and is still a bit shy to initiate, so gives me subtle signals like squeezing my hand in bed, instead of attacking me. It is so great to have a good frequency now, it makes me worry less about our marriage's future. He still doesn't like romance, date nights, etc, but we have a good sex life now and that makes me feel so much happier.

Just talking to my H (before the T shots) didn't have much effect, even though he knew I was frustrated, he just procrastinated and avoided sex. He needed a higher libido to want to do it for his own sake.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

By the way, you don't need him to see a specialist to get his free and total testosterone checked. It is just a blood test than any general practitioner can order. Or if you join Life Extension (for $75), you can order a blood test online if you live in the continental United States but not in Maryland https://www.lef.org/Vitamins-Supplements/Blood-Tests/How-It-Works.htm.

I think testosterone therapy will help your H's ED at least to some extent, but even if it doesn't, a higher libido will make him more interested in any type of touching, kissing, etc..

It usually takes a few weeks (maybe a month) for his libido to improve on testosterone (although a few men have a response to the first shot). Testosterone is more effective at curing a low libido than ED per se. For guys with ED, they might need a combination of testosterone and Viagra. Viagra alone doesn't work that well if there is not enough testosterone. Having higher T will make your H (self-)motivated to try Viagra more often.

If he puts off the doctor appointment, make one for him, and drive him there! If his doctor says he 'doesn't do T therapy' then phone doctors in your area until you find one that does. This is legwork for you, but easier than contemplating divorce I think....


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

Thanks! Thanks everyone!

I had another talk with him. Blindsided when he came home from work, actually. I was calm and even-toned but I told him how I had done some research and found this web site. I read him what I wrote and everyone's replies.

To my surprise he was very receptive. He didn't like EVERYTHING I had to say, but he took it in and thought about it. HE suggested that he go to the doctor to get tested and possible start T treatment! I was floored!

We are still in the process of selling our house and looking for a doctor in our new area, but since we are now within walking distance of the area's hospital that should not be a problem. As soon as we find one that takes our insurance and is taking new patients he's going to make an appointment.

In the meantime, he has agreed to schedule one night a week to make love. He asked if we could make it Saturday night since he has to get up so blasted early in the mornings and feels he won't be so tired. So, not only am I looking forward to Saturday night, now... I'm not feeling so overwhelmingly depressed every night until then!

There may not be a magic pill here, but I think the suggestions I got along with the BIG reminder that communication is critical has gone a long way toward my peace of mind. Lack of communication is fatal and I knew that... I had just forgotten that while I was hosting my own private pity party.

Now, if he comes up with some [email protected]@@ excuse come Saturday night, I will be back with blood in my eye! :lol:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Only thing I can comment on is the medical, BP and diabetes.
My grandfather went through this, (we're a family of dominant Type 1's) and this is ONE of the things I hope my son does not have to deal with 

This can be crushing to a man's sense of self worth. 
All the pleading in the world cannot change the facts.
I would implore you to consider that he medically might not be able to do what you need... as PIV could be a nice occasional alternative, and there could be other ways you achieve intimacy? 

Why Do Men With Diabetes Have Erectile Dysfunction?

The causes of erectile dysfunction in men with diabetes are complex and involve impairments in nerve, blood vessel, and muscle function.

To get an erection, men need healthy blood vessels, nerves, male hormones, and a desire to be sexually stimulated. Diabetes can damage the blood vessels and nerves that control erection. Therefore, even if you have normal amounts of male hormones and you have the desire to have sex, you still may not be able to achieve a firm erection.

What Treatments Are Available for Men With Diabetes and Erectile Dysfunction?

Men with diabetes having trouble with achieving and/or maintaining an erection can take oral medications like Viagra, Cialis, Stendra, or Levitra.

However, because people with diabetes also tend to have problems with their heart, these medications may not be appropriate and cause dangerous interactions with your heart medicine. Talk to your doctor to determine what treatment is best.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Over time a vasectomy will cause a lack of production of sperm and testosterone. I think you to try to get him up and moving. Keep the pressure on about leaving. Medical issues can be a large hurdle to jump.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Over time a vasectomy will cause a lack of production of sperm and testosterone. I think you to try to get him up and moving. Keep the pressure on about leaving. Medical issues can be a large hurdle to jump.


If this is true, I would NEVER get one unless it was life saving.


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

So the update is one of those good news/bad news things.

The bad news is that Saturday night (the night we mutually agreed to) was a total bust. We were out and about on Saturday afternoon when he started laying his groundwork for reneging on his promise. A couple of casual comments about how he didn't sleep very well the night before (couldn't get comfortable, etc.) and I knew he was going to back out. Then came nighttime and he actually said "I don't want to fall asleep in the middle of it". Wow. I'm THAT boring in bed? I was so angry I spent the night on the couch. I didn't get tons of sleep that night... but I got a full chapter on my next novel written.

Sunday we spent the day avoiding each other.

Monday my daughter came over for the holiday and it's my rule to not fight in front of her, so we pretended everything was okay. Then he went to bed because he had to work the next day. Again, I spent the night on the couch.

Then last night I told him I had had it. We argued and I just snapped. I told him that I wanted him to argue my side of things as if he were me. At first he just parroted words I had been saying, but then his tone changed and he just seemed to "get it". Especially since I just kept repeating his "but what's it gonna hurt if you give me one more chance?" line. He realized how little that helped the situation. He started saying things I had been thinking but never really said - like how I felt like he was just ripping out my heart every time he made promises he didn't keep.

I told him I'd need time to think and that I think we should just stay apart as much as possible for a while. So, he went to bed at 8:30 and I planned on sleeping on the couch again. But after napping for about 2 hours, I was wide awake. Then at 12:00 or so, I felt a headache coming on and figured the best thing was to sleep on a real mattress so I wouldn't be sick today. That's where the good news part comes in.

I thought he would just honor my request to keep to ourselves for the time being, but he didn't. He was romantic and gentle and took a lot of time touching and kissing before making a move for anything more.

Afterwards I asked him why. I told him that I didn't come into the bedroom for that but asked him why he tried anyway. He put his arms around me and said that he wanted to show me that he intended on fulfilling his promises. I told him he still needed to see a doctor and he said he definitely intended to.

Baby steps, I guess. But at least one in the right direction!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> If this is true, I would NEVER get one unless it was life saving.


It is true.... Go ahead make babies!
I have peace of mind sex.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MrsLadyWriter said:


> We were out and about on Saturday afternoon when he started laying his groundwork for reneging on his promise. A couple of casual comments about how he didn't sleep very well the night before (couldn't get comfortable, etc.) and I knew he was going to back out. Then came nighttime and he actually said "I don't want to fall asleep in the middle of it"





> He was romantic and gentle and took a lot of time touching and kissing before making a move for anything more.
> 
> Afterwards I asked him why. I told him that I didn't come into the bedroom for that but asked him why he tried anyway. He put his arms around me and said that he wanted to show me that he intended on fulfilling his promises.


I think he needs to explain this. It looks to me he is just repulsed by the idea of having sex with you.

Then, faced with your perspective, does the best he can to make you satisfied.

I think that is very hard for him to do, he will fall back again to the old patterns soon

Sorry for you, but I think you need to know more about this. Communication has to be open and honest with him on this behavior. You have the right to that.


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