# How Do You Gain Trust That Is 100% Gone?



## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

My husband has never cheated. I just want to make that clear.

This is a follow up on the first thread I did. A brief summary:

Husband had a female best friend of 10 years. Before we got married, he introduced us and we built a friendly but minimal friendship. I would only see her in groups or with just my husband. Husband and I discussed the boundaries of opposite gender friends before marrying. He talked to her about it, and she didnt agree. He said he does not see her as his best friend anymore because he sees me that way. He always outlined that they can not be alone together (they use to spend alone time together going to the movies and out for dinner). She didnt agreed and flipped out. She accused me of trying to ruin their friendship intentionally. Update: they are no longer on speaking terms. 

So my new dilemma is how that friendship ended. My husband has said very little on the issue and doesnt like to discuss it. So I did research and find out through mutual friends of me and the woman. She ended their friendship, not him. She said my husband has told her the reason why they cannot be alone is because of me and my personal problems. Husbands says thats not true at all. He said he told her the reason was because he himself didnt feel comfortable being alone with her. Also, when he first told her about the new boundaries, he did not tell me she flipped out. I had to hear it from a mutual friend. He simply told me they talked and everything was cool. Also, when she tried to end the friendship because she didnt feel valued anymore (apparently her 12yrs friendship is more important than a 1yr marriage) he fought against it. He tried on numerous ocassions to fix the friendship but she said no. Again, I heard this through a friend. After confronting him, he then agreed. 

I know there is nothing between them. But it bothers me that he tells me so little information. Everytime I find out new information he confirms it then he tells me about it. I ask him why not just tell me from the start but he says he does. He blames it on girls just being more detailed than guys when it comes to story telling.

The bottom line is, I no longer feel like I can trust him. The lack of information on this topic is making me suspicious about everything else. I told him I dont trust him at all anymore. He tells me its my own personal issues with trusting people. I admit I do have trust issues with people. I have met and lost a lot of people in my life because they were all liars. When I met him, I put all that behind me and really gave him my heart and trusted him 100%. But now he seems to blame everything on my past issues. 

Can you ever regain trust in a marriage? How do you believe someone who doesnt tell you the whole truth? He doesnt lie, he will tell me if I ask, but he doesnt say the whole story and leaves out big chuncks. I dont want to feel the need to ask about things that are important. I want him to just tell me.

Where do we go from here? I take lying as serious as cheating. Without trust, there is no marriage. I dont want to lose him. I dont think we need counselling. I rather save my money and talk to him directly. 

Any thoughts?
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can totally trust him.

You CANNOT trust her. You can't help that your husband had a close female friend. HE cannot help that she was in love with him. Yes, she was/is.

He did the right thing. He probably doesn't like to talk about it because he lost a good friend...


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Is he wrong for not telling me the full details? Or should I be more understanding because he lost a good friend?

I dont trust her. Nor do I even like her anymore. So thats not a problem.
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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I'm a guy. I drive my wife insane with my lack of details in telling her about what happened in situation. So, it is a guy thing.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I'm a guy. I drive my wife insane with my lack of details in telling her about what happened in situation. So, it is a guy thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is intentional? Do you mind if I ask why? My husband is very secretive and never gives 'unneccessary' information. (Hey, I was just trying to have a conversation! LOL)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IMO you have made this a much bigger deal than it is so they're not friends anymore...which is what you wanted. So your husband respected that. Maybe the friend found out that you told your hubby how you feel about opposite sex friends and took it upon herself to remove herself completely from the picture so as not to create any problems which is commendable and the same thing I woud have done. Maybe its true that she doesn't. Like you...just as you don't like her. And that's ok because not everyone in life will like everyone they meet.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell your husband how you want him to share all info with you about everything so that you feel you're on the same page. Explain why. Either he will or he won't. If he doesn't then decide how to proceed. Oh and if its true the friend thinks you have problems and told him that then so what? Everyones entitled to their own opinion. It could be that. He didn't want to hurt your feelings since he knows its a sensitive subject for you.. evebstill...talk to him. It does sound like you have a lot of trust issues.
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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> This is intentional? Do you mind if I ask why? My husband is very secretive and never gives 'unneccessary' information. (Hey, I was just trying to have a conversation! LOL)


Definitely not intentional. However, I have improved dramatically in the past year. Therapy will do that.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, my husband is bad with details too. Unless it's about work. lol. Or cars. But people and those things? Yea, no details.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Definitely not intentional. However, I have improved dramatically in the past year. Therapy will do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't think it was... but I had to ask.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

It's not clear to me what he's done to deserve losing your trust. He had a close relationship with a female friend, you weren't completely comfortable with it, it got broken off. I might even argue that even though she apparently put the nails in the coffin, it was him who ended it by bringing the subject up with her.

He's probably hurting - to lose a good friend is hard and leaves a hole in your life. Many would argue that the "female" aspect of the relationship served to threaten your marriage so ending it (or radically changing it) was appropriate. 

Whether you're willing to admit it or not, this relationship bothered you. I think on some level, your husband knew that and took action to deal with it which had to have been difficult for him. To me, that demonstrates his respect for you. Did you tell him how much it meant to you that he took action to resolve a situation that made you uncomfortable? 

Bottom line, game over on the other relationship. You got what you wanted. Does it really matter how it happened? I don't think so. Move on and tell your husband you love him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

rfAlaska said:


> I think on some level, your husband knew that and took action to deal with it which had to have been difficult for him. To me, that demonstrates his respect for you. Did you tell him how much it meant to you that he took action to resolve a situation that made you uncomfortable?
> 
> Bottom line, game over on the other relationship. You got what you wanted. Does it really matter how it happened? I don't think so. Move on and tell your husband you love him.


Worth repeating. Most women would really appreciate and understand the depth of this great gesture. 

I think you SHOULD let him know you appreciate it before he has a chance to resent you and regret his decision...

My husband did this for me once, and I remind him every now and again, how much I appreciate his dedication to me and our marriage.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Thank you everyone.

I very much agree with rfAlaska and YinpPrincess. I dont think I ever told him I appreciated his actions. I was so focused on how it happened that I didnt thank him for caring about my feelings.

The fact that she did it and not him was what I dwelled on. I figured that her doing it more shows he would have never took such a drastic action. Its not that I wanted the friendship to end, just wanted it to change a little.

But now I see it doesnt matter how. It happened and thats it.

Now its time to focuse on moving on and appreciating my husband. Thank you everyone!

Man the first year is so hard!!
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Daniyah said:


> Man the first year is so hard!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 So true! Also within my first year and it's been a real roller coaster!! 
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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> This is intentional? Do you mind if I ask why? My husband is very secretive and never gives 'unneccessary' information. (Hey, I was just trying to have a conversation! LOL)


You also have to keep in mind that men and women have very different conversational styles. I think that women often, especially early on, expect their husbands to be like their girlfriends and they just aren't. Men communicate facts. Women communicate nuance. 

Think about conversations you've probably had about your family or friends...how typical would it be for him to come in and say something like, "oh, did you hear? Tom and Susie broke up." And then maybe give some general reason...he got a job somewhere else and she didn't want to go or whatever. You would probably jump right in with "oh no! Are they okay? Where are they going to live? Was it a big fight? Are they still friends? Are you sure that's all it was? Aren't they going to try and do the long-distance thing?" 

And he'll have no clue because as far as he and Tom are concerned, the facts are covered. It's not a secret, or hiding or not trusting you with the information or anything like that...what needs to be said has been said. Just a totally different way of thinking about things. 

Once you realize that, it makes things a lot less frustrating. And refreshing to not have to rehash every detail of everyone's lives every time you have a conversation! (Maybe that's just me though  !)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You want more than is possible.
You want to enforce your boundary but have everyone affected be all nice about it. I think your husband did exactly fine. In keeping details from you, it's because he no longer wanted to continue the "drama". This is how men operate.
You should trust your husband, because he terminated a friendship that could have impacted your marriage. He ended it, by giving her the choice to stay his friend under his terms, or not be friends any more. She chose the latter.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

All very good and realistic comments. 

I apologized to my husband for taking this so seriously. We are now beginning to move on from this.

Thanks everyone. I really needed to get some outside perspectives on it.
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