# Getting things off my chest. Coping skills?



## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Hey guys/gals.
I am totally brand new here and I think it is so cool that people in here all help and support each other in these dyer times.

My story;
I have been with my soon to be x for almost 10 years. Married for 3. We are best friends. There is some traveling we wanted to do that involved living and working abroad, but she went back to school, I worked on getting a better career and now she has a degree and a proffesion as an RN and I have my dream job. 
I am 31 she is 28. She moves in with her best friend and says she wants to travel more and work abroad and knows I don't want to(which is true, have a dream job and am ready to settle down) so we should get a divorce. 
I love the girl and I am pretty sure she loves me, yet this marriage is over. It has been almost 2 months and I am having a hard time. We have pets and a house together. We see each other every few days to go over stuff and for animal care. We are cordial and hug. I think it kills both of us to be in this situation but she is sure this is what she wants and I know I need to accept it.

I guess what I need to know is how the hell do you get over this stuff? When does it start to get better?

We still chat like old pals whenever we see each other and need to be in touch due packing up the house and our pets.

Any ideas please? Positive thoughts?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You guys are so young. It sounds like a mis-match or a communication breakdown occurred somewhere along the line. She is acting in a selfish manner and I don't believe there is a lot you can do. She has chosen her path over you. I know it sucks but if that's what she chooses to do perhaps you should consider yourself lucky that you have most of your life in front of you and can start over. A 28 y/o woman in my opinion is likely to not be very mature and she is seeking freedom that she surrendered as an even younger woman. You are wrong about her being your best friend.......A BF would not do that to her husband.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Hmmm... Interesting about not being a best friend. I guess you are somewhat right. I know I only gave a brief description of our relationship, but you have a point.

All of our friends are like WTF. but you have a great point. I gave her the world and she bailed. Oh well. Thanks for the comment.

I keep hearing it only gets easier with time. 2 months now. Past denial, heading into a touch of depression. What is step 3? LOL


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

So sorry your going through this  have you looked at the 180 technique?


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

I want to cut her out, but right now we are planning on getting papers done through a mediator and she is not really asking for anything. I don't want to turn this into a big fight.. Any thoughts?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

The 180 doesn't have to mean your cold or arguing it just means you don't initiate any contact and you basically begin to move yourself forward & get a life for yourself outside of what's happening in your marriage. It's more for you than anything.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

I am going to look into that. I am hoping to be out of the house soon and that should help. I threw myself on eharmony and am trying to hook up with friends more. I will look for the 180 elsewhere in this forum


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

So she loves you, and you love her, and your love for each other is SO GREAT that you have to divorce? Something's not right here.

As it is now, she moved out and is living like a single woman. She's not here lamenting about the situation, you are. What does that tell you?

One of you loves something (or someone) more than the other. Find out what that is and you will have your answer.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

So she loves you, and you love her, and your love for each other is SO GREAT that you have to divorce? Something's not right here.

As it is now, she moved out and is living like a single woman. She's not here lamenting about the situation, you are. What does that tell you?

One of you loves something (or someone) more than the other. Find out what that is and you will have your answer......

That stings... but it is true. She is not on here and I am sure she might be seeing someone. Thanks for the insight. Sometimes you get blinded by stuff.

It has been almost 2 months since this went down and we are going through old taxes and paperwork to get it seperated out. Very soon I will move to my parents house and she will stay in our house until it sells. 
I thought it would get easier every day but I guess I need to man up, stiffen my lip and move on. Easier said than done.
Thanks for the thoughts


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

You need to keep busy, be selfish, do things that make you happy. It may not feel right in the beginning, but you need to force yourself to stay busy. Eventually it will become more second nature as you become more confident and ACCEPT that this just happened and it is not completely on you. 

There may be a day when she sees you moving forward and will try to keep you on the backburner. This is why you need to try to build yourself up to be able to see clearly her intentions if she tries to string you along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

She is coming over soon to go through some more stuff. I love the input. I am going to just say f it and try and show no emotion. Fake it till you make it is my line as well. Been using it for years I guess I just need months of faking it to make it. I will let you guys know how it goes. Thanks for the support


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

We spent a few hours sorting stuff out. I was emotionless yet polite and helpful. That is until we were wrapping up and i started welling up. Can't help it. We both sobbed like little girls for a min and then said goodbye. I think the no emotion thing is going to help. I wish this would be over though. Oh to feel like myself again... 
How is your 180 going BJJmom


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

You've done really well, it's so hard and to keep calm & in control when your hurting so badly is fantastic.

Take one day at a time, baby steps!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Vandal,

Any chance you could place a voice-activated recorder under her car seat?


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Something I left out in my haze from not sleeping and being hungover(My best friend twisted my arm to go out drinking last night to vent and relax. He ended up with a DWI and now we both feel like ****. Not our style.)
I heard she went on a date with a guy. I was stupid enough to ask her about it because I know this guy is a cheater and a troll. She said she went out to try and have fun but bailed on him after a drink because she couldnt go through with it. I have had a simmilar encounter with an old friend. Too soon for me to even have sex or play around with anyone else.(I also thought it might make me feel better). Anyways, I can't keep re visiting the fact that I think we can make it. Also I think she is done hearing it. You guys still think this 180 is the way to go. I think she is still confused and is hurt by herconfustion so she wants it done.
I don't know if I feel comfortable using a voice recorder or anything like that. I respect her feelings, yet it just baffles me. anyways...blah blah blah. Thanks for listening and for the support.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vandal_xx said:


> Something I left out in my haze from not sleeping and being hungover(My best friend twisted my arm to go out drinking last night to vent and relax. He ended up with a DWI and now we both feel like ****. Not our style.)
> I heard she went on a date with a guy. I was stupid enough to ask her about it because I know this guy is a cheater and a troll. She said she went out to try and have fun but bailed on him after a drink because she couldnt go through with it. I have had a simmilar encounter with an old friend. Too soon for me to even have sex or play around with anyone else.(I also thought it might make me feel better). Anyways, I can't keep re visiting the fact that I think we can make it. Also I think she is done hearing it. You guys still think this 180 is the way to go. I think she is still confused and is hurt by herconfustion so she wants it done.
> I don't know if I feel comfortable using a voice recorder or anything like that. I respect her feelings, yet it just baffles me. anyways...blah blah blah. Thanks for listening and for the support.


No way to decide what to do until you know what you're up against.

How is flying blind working for you?


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

good point.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

After yet another sleepless night, I have come to the conclusion that I am all done pretending that she is going to come back. At least not anytime soon. I need to try and move on. Though it hurts and may make it a bit tougher I am going to remain friendly with her. This whole time I have been thinking she might come back. I think I accepted that is isn't that last night. Happy monday to all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vandal_xx said:


> After yet another sleepless night, I have come to the conclusion that I am all done pretending that she is going to come back. At least not anytime soon. I need to try and move on. Though it hurts and may make it a bit tougher I am going to remain friendly with her. This whole time I have been thinking she might come back. I think I accepted that is isn't that last night. Happy monday to all.


Good progress, but I would re-think the "friends" part.

What's in that for you?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

A small point but it is important.

No emotion during interactions is a good start but you want to move towards appearing happy as well.

Be Strong,
Stretch


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Thanks guys. Just having people giving some 3rd party feelings is great. So much sadness in this world, but at the same time so much strength and resolve. 
I am going to try and work on me. I had a horrible weekend(friends DWI and too much emotion and separating files and stuff) 
I also went to her fathers house. He and I are pretty close and haven't talked since any of this went down. We had a good talk.
Time to actually eat something and hopefully more than 3 hours sleep.
Thanks again guys!!! Keep your chin up son


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vandal_xx said:


> Thanks guys. Just having people giving some 3rd party feelings is great. So much sadness in this world, but at the same time so much strength and resolve.
> I am going to try and work on me. I had a horrible weekend(friends DWI and too much emotion and separating files and stuff)
> I also went to her fathers house. He and I are pretty close and haven't talked since any of this went down. We had a good talk.
> Time to actually eat something and hopefully more than 3 hours sleep.
> Thanks again guys!!! Keep your chin up son


Stay away from her relatives.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Vandal, it's not okay to be friend-zoned by your wife. 

Why would you consider that?

It's a rejection, Hoss. Not an offer of friendship.....


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Hey guys. Again, I appreciate the support and thoughts. 
I think that I have finally accepted the fact that our relationship is over. It may take some time to get the house sold and divorce paperwork done. I think I am beginning to accept the facts and what is going to happen. 
I am going to try and be friendly when around her while not letting delusions of a future relationship with her enter my mind. 
It has been a little over 2 months since she broke the news and moved out. It took me this long to start accepting the facts. Now I think it is on to phase 2, getting myself moved out and the house sold and paperwork done.
Thanks guys!


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

helolover said:


> Vandal, it's not okay to be friend-zoned by your wife.
> 
> Why would you consider that?
> 
> It's a rejection, Hoss. Not an offer of friendship.....


That makes so much sense. I would never be friends with her when this D is over. Why should I !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

vandal_xx said:


> Hey guys. Again, I appreciate the support and thoughts.
> I think that I have finally accepted the fact that our relationship is over. It may take some time to get the house sold and divorce paperwork done. I think I am beginning to accept the facts and what is going to happen.
> I am going to try and be friendly when around her while not letting delusions of a future relationship with her enter my mind.
> It has been a little over 2 months since she broke the news and moved out. It took me this long to start accepting the facts. Now I think it is on to phase 2, getting myself moved out and the house sold and paperwork done.
> Thanks guys!


I'm glad you're able to move on. Keep up the good work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

The friend zone comment was good. Not what I need in my life right now. The stbx is coming over tomorrow to go through some more of our stuff and split stuff up. She is not asking for anything that's not hers so far and hopefully we can keep up the positive attitudes. I am planning on letting her stay at the house until it is sold as neither of us want it anymore. I will move in with my parents until I find a better living situation.
Man I am glad we waited on having kids. I can't imagine how people with kids and a hostile relationship with their x go through this stuff. My heart goes out to all of you who did or are going through it.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

OK just jumping in here. But I have a thought or two about your situation. I'm a little stunned that your X's excuse for the D is that she wants to travel. 

I have a friend who absolutely loves to travel, and does so once or twice a year. Her H isn't as interested in traveling, and it's also more challenging for him to get time off work. He is totally supportive of her traveling, and sometimes he'll join her towards the end of her trip for a long weekend or so. It works for them, so unless you told her you don't want her to travel I don't see how that couldn't be compromised. In terms of her working abroad, well, that's just selfish considering she has a great H here in the U.S. She's going all "Eat, Love and Pray" on you apparently.

Since the D seems to definitely be happening, it's going to be best for you to separate yourself from her and her family as much as possible. You're obviously being super nice about this situation. Being friends with an X is all good until someone gets mad. It doesn't take much sometimes.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

vandal_xx said:


> The friend zone comment was good. Not what I need in my life right now. The stbx is coming over tomorrow to go through some more of our stuff and split stuff up. She is not asking for anything that's not hers so far and hopefully we can keep up the positive attitudes. I am planning on letting her stay at the house until it is sold as neither of us want it anymore. I will move in with my parents until I find a better living situation.
> Man I am glad we waited on having kids. I can't imagine how people with kids and a hostile relationship with their x go through this stuff. My heart goes out to all of you who did or are going through it.


Consider yourself lucky and give thanks for all your blessings

Get selfish in a good way now and only regarding dissolving the relationship. She is not your friend. get what is yours and get her out of your life. 

Don't be angry about it, be indifferent. Yours is the only cause that matters now.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

So we went through some more stuff this weekend. Good attitudes and no emotional stuff. It is a little tough that we will be seeing each other weekly to deal with house stuff and to pass the dog back and fourth. Again, I can't really *****. I got it easy.
As much as it hurts at times, I no longer care what the reasoning is behind the D. It just makes it worse to think why. 
I am going to be staying at my folks starting this weekend. Time to get back in the game and enjoy myself. Easier said than done.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

vandal_xx said:


> As much as it hurts at times, I no longer care what the reasoning is behind the D. It just makes it worse to think why.
> I am going to be staying at my folks starting this weekend. Time to get back in the game and enjoy myself. Easier said than done.


I think this is a good attitude. I would say stay polite but detached, even if you don't want to. 

I hope being at your parent's helps.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vandal_xx said:


> So we went through some more stuff this weekend. Good attitudes and no emotional stuff. It is a little tough that we will be seeing each other weekly to deal with house stuff and to pass the dog back and fourth. Again, I can't really *****. I got it easy.
> As much as it hurts at times, I no longer care what the reasoning is behind the D. It just makes it worse to think why.
> I am going to be staying at my folks starting this weekend. Time to get back in the game and enjoy myself. Easier said than done.


Why are you passing the dog back and forth?


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Trying to stay calm and relax. Staying at the folks is more to stash a little bit of money while we try to sell the house, or get her to buy me out.
We are going to share our dog. At least for now. It is the only thing we both want. So rather than make a big stink about it we are just going to try and do a joint custody thing. I know it sounds a bit silly, but if this is the only sticking point then I think I am doing well.
After hearing about others stories, my story seems so lame and easy.
Thanks for listening and input!


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