# Looking for opinions on sex & expectations



## S_Cox

1st post- I asked my wife if she was “coming back to bed” this morning. She responded with how can that be all you’re worried about. She comes back to bed 10 minutes or so later. I begin kissing neck and shoulders, etc. She says she’s not doing that. She’s looking for this macaroni recipe to make for Easter today.
I have to fight the urge to get mad/sad and so on. Then I think why did she come back to bed knowing my expectation for sex if she had no intention of having sex? I asked her if she did it on purpose? She said she wasn’t even thinking about me wanting sex and no means no.
What do you think all of this means?


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## ccpowerslave

I think it means you are on the start of your journey of fixing your sexual relationship because what you describe sounds familiar and bad.


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## BeyondRepair007

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it means you are on the start of your journey of fixing your sexual relationship because what you describe sounds familiar and bad.


Nothing else to add…I‘m just agreeing with @ccpowerslave 
And given her attitude about the subject, the road ahead could be treacherous.


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## ccpowerslave

S_Cox said:


> What do you think all of this means?


To be more helpful here, you need to figure out what it means probably by asking her.

You need to initiate a conversation about your intimacy issues but first you need to make sure you’re squared away.

Check out @dadstartingover he has an important book called “The Dead Bedroom Fix”. Read or listen to that and based on any patterns you recognize in yourself investigate further.


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## salparadise

If it was a one-time occurrence I wouldn't make an issue of it. But if she has decided to start rejecting your advances and withholding as a way of showing you who's in control, or as a passive aggressive way of expressing dissatisfaction over something else, then you have a problem that could break the marriage. If it becomes a pattern then I think you should address it. On the other hand, you can't really expect her to be ready to rumble every time you get the urge, so keep the big picture and overall health of the relationship in mind.


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## Openminded

It means at that point you were focusing on sex and she was focusing on finalizing the Easter menu and maybe a thousand other things besides that. If it happens a lot then you have a problem. If it doesn’t, let it go.


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## Young at Heart

Two suggestions.

First, never ever discuss sex problems while in bed. You should have told her that you would like to continue the discussion later at a specific time and date, say Monday after dinner.

Second, No does mean no. Neither of you should try to guilt trip each other. When she says no, accept it, but don't take it as rejection. 

If you do feel rejected have you discussed with your wife how she can reject a sexual advance without stomping on your ego? I have told my wife to say no if she is not in the mood, but to tell me that she expects me to either go to sleep, take an extra nap this afternoon, or rest up in general as she is not in the mood right now, but she is going to "F" my brains out either tonight or tomorrow morning. That way it is not a "rejection" it is an "I want to do this right and now is not the right time, so I want you to prepare for it."

Good luck


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## *Deidre*

When you do have sex, does your wife treat it as an obligation or is she enjoying it with you?


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## In Absentia

I guess it would depend on the frequency…


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## Rus47

If the Avitar is of your family, I would STRONGLY advise you pick something anonymous.


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## Rus47

S_Cox said:


> What do you think all of this means?


For me personally, there isn't enough information to even imagine what it means. The only context is your wife is on page 25 getting ready for a holiday, you are on page 1 anticipating some fun. At least in this instance, both of you are on different planets. She told you she wasn't thinking about sex which is probably true. Her coming back to bed was a mistake on her part. 

Everyone's dynamic is different. But in more than 50 years married, my wife has NEVER said "No means no!" There have been times when she negotiated a delay, like "can I just find this recipe so can make a shopping list? Then we can play".



salparadise said:


> If it was a one-time occurrence I wouldn't make an issue of it. But if she has decided to start rejecting your advances and withholding as a way of showing you who's in control, or as a passive aggressive way of expressing dissatisfaction over something else, then you have a problem that could break the marriage.


Good advice, Context is key. Is this a one off or beginning of a pattern?



Openminded said:


> It means at that point you were focusing on sex and she was focusing on finalizing the Easter menu and maybe a thousand other things besides that. *If it happens a lot then you have a problem. If it doesn’t, let it go*.


Yes. Exactly


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## DownByTheRiver

S_Cox said:


> 1st post- I asked my wife if she was “coming back to bed” this morning. She responded with how can that be all you’re worried about. She comes back to bed 10 minutes or so later. I begin kissing neck and shoulders, etc. She says she’s not doing that. She’s looking for this macaroni recipe to make for Easter today.
> I have to fight the urge to get mad/sad and so on. Then I think why did she come back to bed knowing my expectation for sex if she had no intention of having sex? I asked her if she did it on purpose? She said she wasn’t even thinking about me wanting sex and no means no.
> What do you think all of this means?


I think she's having a busy morning and she came back to bed to get off of her feet for a minute, which is what I do every time I have to cook.


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## Rob_1

S_Cox said:


> What do you think all of this means?


To me it meant that after three months of no sex, I left and divorced my first wife. Now, it seems that with your confusing attitude what it means is that most likely you won't be strong enough to either get to the bottom of it if this is a recurring issue, and you'll keep just pestering her about it instead of getting to the matter at the bottom of it. What would you do if she were to tell you that she no longer wants sex? 

Per your post this is what she told you:



S_Cox said:


> She responded with how can that be all you’re worried about


Which means she knew the reason why you were beckoning her back to bed, then pretended that she didn't know. If this is the first time, I would worry about it. If this is becoming or is a recurrent issue, then confront and find out what's the issue. Otherwise, you will eventually find yourself out luck when it comes to sex with her and/or the marriage.


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## CatholicDad

There’s a few days a year to refrain from busting a move on sex… Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter… especially when the missus has a big dinner to prep for Easter Sunday. 😂

Hey man, don’t be sad though because Our Lord redeemed us!!! He is risen!

PS My kids were sick all week and I was at the in-laws all weekend so I haven’t caught my wife in about a week either so I’m hitting the weights hard at lunch and going for a run at 5 pm too! 😂


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## Diana7

CatholicDad said:


> There’s a few days a year to refrain from busting a move on sex… Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter… especially when the missus has a big dinner to prep for Easter Sunday. 😂
> 
> Hey man, don’t be sad though because Our Lord redeemed us!!! He is risen!
> 
> PS My kids were sick all week and I was at the in-laws all weekend so I haven’t caught my wife in about a week either so I’m hitting the weights hard at lunch and going for a run at 5 pm too! 😂


Plus Christmas day?


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## 346745

Rus47 said:


> If the Avitar is of your family, I would STRONGLY advise you pick something anonymous.


absolutely.


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## 346745

CatholicDad said:


> There’s a few days a year to refrain from busting a move on sex… Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter… especially when the missus has a big dinner to prep for Easter Sunday. 😂
> 
> Hey man, don’t be sad though because Our Lord redeemed us!!! He is risen!
> 
> PS My kids were sick all week and I was at the in-laws all weekend so I haven’t caught my wife in about a week either so I’m hitting the weights hard at lunch and going for a run at 5 pm too! 😂


Why hold off on sex that weekend? I don't think The Almighty is offended if people address a basic human need. We did on Thursday night and Sunday morning. No lightning bolts struck us down.


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## Anastasia6

S_Cox said:


> 1st post- I asked my wife if she was “coming back to bed” this morning. She responded with how can that be all you’re worried about. She comes back to bed 10 minutes or so later. I begin kissing neck and shoulders, etc. She says she’s not doing that. She’s looking for this macaroni recipe to make for Easter today.
> I have to fight the urge to get mad/sad and so on. Then I think why did she come back to bed knowing my expectation for sex if she had no intention of having sex? I asked her if she did it on purpose? She said she wasn’t even thinking about me wanting sex and no means no.
> What do you think all of this means?


I think it means that she wasn't thinking about sex. I think it means she didn't necessarily know your intention was to have sex. Perhaps she thought you wanted to cuddle or talk while she was preparing for the day. When you have to cook for family or friends and get your little ones prepared for a public event that can be stressful.

If you throw a fit every time you don't get sex. Or pout then it would make me not want to have sex with you and to avoid intimate contact because you might mistake a hug or a cuddle for the beginning of sex and then pout and punish me for not performing.

Perhaps you should ask what is the actual dynamic going on? Why do you think 'she knew' that you wanted sex?


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## Personal

S_Cox said:


> What do you think all of this means?


I think it means your wife wasn’t interested in sharing sex with you that morning.

Which leads to the question, is this a frequent issue or not?



CatholicDad said:


> There’s a few days a year to refrain from busting a move on sex… Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter… especially when the missus has a big dinner to prep for Easter Sunday. 😂
> 
> Hey man, don’t be sad though because Our Lord redeemed us!!! He is risen!


Meanwhile my wife and I shared sex twice on Good Friday, once on Holy Saturday, twice on Easter Sunday and once on Easter Monday.

Hey man, don’t be sad though because we’re probably going to do it again today. Plus since we’re both taking this week off from work, the rest of the week is looking good as well. 😉🥰😜😎


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## 346745

Personal said:


> I think it means your wife wasn’t interested in sharing sex with you that morning.
> 
> Which leads to the question, is this a frequent issue or not?
> 
> 
> 
> Meanwhile my wife and I shared sex twice on Good Friday, once on Holy Saturday, twice on Easter Sunday and once on Easter Monday.
> 
> Hey man, don’t be sad though because we’re probably going to do it again today. Plus since we’re both taking this week off from work, the rest of the week is looking good as well. 😉🥰😜😎


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## 346745

Personal said:


> I think it means your wife wasn’t interested in sharing sex with you that morning.
> 
> Which leads to the question, is this a frequent issue or not?
> 
> 
> 
> Meanwhile my wife and I shared sex twice on Good Friday, once on Holy Saturday, twice on Easter Sunday and once on Easter Monday.
> 
> Hey man, don’t be sad though because we’re probably going to do it again today. Plus since we’re both taking this week off from work, the rest of the week is looking good as well. 😉🥰😜😎


Good job


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## CatholicDad

Diana7 said:


> Plus Christmas day?


Yeah, Christmas is exhausting when you have kids and are up all night getting food/gifts ready and kids are up at 6 am- 😂


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## CatholicDad

Longtime Hubby said:


> Why hold off on sex that weekend? I don't think The Almighty is offended if people address a basic human need. We did on Thursday night and Sunday morning. No lightning bolts struck us down.


It’s just tacky to get your groove on on days when our Lord was “agonizing in the garden” and/or carrying/hanging on the cross… Easter is just too busy preparing food for grandma 😂.


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## 346745

CatholicDad said:


> It’s just tacky to get your groove on on days when our Lord was “agonizing in the garden” and/or carrying/hanging on the cross… Easter is just too busy preparing food for grandma 😂.


It’s not tacky at all.


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## Laurentium

S_Cox said:


> What do you think all of this means?


Well, there's a lot of information you haven't provided, so it's hard to guess. 
How long have you been together?
How is your sex life generally? Does she sometimes "come back to bed" ?
Does this problem happen often? I guess it's not a one-off or you would not have posted.
How is your relationship?


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## oldshirt

CatholicDad said:


> It’s just tacky to get your groove on on days when our Lord was “agonizing in the garden” and/or carrying/hanging on the cross… Easter is just too busy preparing food for grandma 😂.



I thought Christ wanted people to love each other and for husband and wife to bond to each other and that he suffered for the salvation of humanity 

I guess I had that wrong and that he was a vengeful Ahole who wants people to suffer for him.


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