# Walkaway Wife walked, I'm searching for meaning and hope



## WonderousStories

Summary: After an 18+ year relationship (11+ years of that married), I was on the receiving end of a textbook Walkaway Wife strategy. We have been divorced for two weeks after being separated since mid-January. I am having a great deal of difficulty letting go.

Longer version: I met my ex in high school. We quickly became close friends and then started a dating relationship which, even before it began, came with the promise of marriage and a lifelong relationship.

We clashed at times over issues of boundaries and control, specifically the strong pressures I put on her to live healthier, both for "pure health" reasons and my own selfish interest in having her remain more physically attractive. We had done two rounds of marriage counseling, most recently a couple of years ago, over these issues. I readily admit that I was very resistant to change. She had asked me to seek individual counseling to help me deal with the problems we had, and aside from one halfhearted attempt, I did not.

Had you asked me a year ago at this time if I knew of any friends or relatives with a better relationship than ours, I would have answered a heartfelt "no." I believed that, despite our sometimes strongly emotional disagreements and glitches, that we were the best emotional and intellectual match for each other that we could be.

Our previous round of counseling ended in a stalemate. After several sessions where she and I would take up firmly stated positions and not do a lot of budging, the therapist essentially gave up on us and referred us to someone else. I declined, thinking that nothing would change and that we would manage to work things through on our own. This, it turned out, was when she started planning her walkaway.

Things seemed fine last year--not suspiciously better than usual, as I've seen described in a lot of WW situations, but fine. Then, very early this year, she had an emotional breakdown and told me that she didn't think we could stay together any longer. We discussed it, she initially backed down but I encouraged her to say what was on her mind. The intensity of the breakdown made me decide that, yes, I needed to seek my own therapy to help deal with what bothered her about the marriage. I agreed to do so. 

A couple of weeks later (before anybody had gotten back to me to schedule an appointment) we had another flareup, she said, "I can't let you treat me like this anymore," and she walked out on me. She came back for a few days, then came home one evening and said, "I don't see how we can go forward. I think we need to get a divorce."

She offered to go to a marriage counselor again, but this time only to help us get a "less painful" divorce--she never entertained the possibility of working to save our relationship. The counselor knew that I wanted to save the marriage so was playing both sides of the field--not terribly effectively, really, as we obviously didn't stay together and I don't really think much of the pain was taken away.

In the course of the several joint therapy sessions and time we spent talking, she stated that it was "too late" for me to change and keep her in my life, that she no longer loved me, that although she would like for us to be able to be friends she did not miss the marriage, that she could not be the person she needed to be with me as her partner, and that she could not be with someone if she had to cause him pain in order for him to take her feelings seriously. (For I had realized--very quickly--once she really put her cards on the table and left me for a few days that the physical matters were far less important to me than her friendship and presence in my life. But, alas, "too late.")

She filed for divorce less than two weeks after bringing it up, and the divorce was finalized in just over four months, there being no children and few money issues to work out between us. She played out the Walkaway Wife strategy pretty much to a T. And now she is gone.

So here I sit, newly divorced and alone, still hoping that this is not the end but just a really, really ugly pothole in the long road of our life together. She had offered to meet for a friendship-building lunch just a few months after the divorce, but I was pursuing a strict no-contact policy at that point and did not respond to the offer. She was equally clear in her offer that it would not be like the last time, where our friendship would lead to a new romance.

My personal therapist's strong recommendation is that I avoid all contact with her for the rest of my life. He's encouraged me to sever emotional ties by eliminating all memorabilia--which I have for the most part done. I have no emails, photos (digital or print), rings (gave one to Goodwill, threw out the other two) and have disposed of various other things, including some cherished wedding presents. And yet I still have to fight off the urge to reach out to her just weeks after the divorce.

(The joint therapist recommended waiting *two years* before any contact.)

For what it's worth, although I acknowledge my faults and responsibility in alienating her, she has been through some significant life-changing events. She recently marked what she considered a milestone birthday. She lost a parent last year. And she has been working 70-90 hour weeks for years.

I know it shows a tremendous lack of imagination to say that I cannot believe I can find a better partner than the one I met when I was in my early teens. Doubtless many impartial observers would say that, because of my history of shallowness and control issues, she is better off without me and not revisiting the relationship. And I know I'm still having some fundamental control issues if I'm being told in clear, concise, and legal terms that the relationship is over and will not be revisited, yet I'm still sitting here saying "but... but... but."

All that said... I'd still like to work things out between us and find a way that we can feel comfortable loving one another again. For lack of a better term, I still love her, and I still love the idea of "us." Having done so for most of my life, it's difficult for me to do anything but.

I welcome your thoughts.


----------



## ClipClop

You are a Yes fan?

Other than that, I say move on. I hate the term walk away wife. She stayed as long as she could. Fed up wife might be more appropriate.

Learn. Grow. Don't look back apart from that learning and growth. If you do that well you have a chance of a happy future. But your ex is not a part of that future snd that is ok. You have it in you. I see deeply into the future. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spitfire008

ITs tough I know the hardest thing I ve faced.Think of me 3 special need kids Im the super dad do the house work drop off kids pick them up and what do i get for 28 years she takes of for a weeek with old flame.4 trips so far.House for sale.I guess i was to intent on getting kids going.She wanted friends.She was away late alot.Always with guys i was never invited.She got to play i stayed home with kids.She calls it off after 28 years.I think new sailor guy.Divorced has a grown boy with autism like our lil guy A suited match for her.God help us.I ve given up doing the right thing never helped me.She got to play and i was with kids asking them to do some work and see that mom was never home..They cant see it only fights why i said you beening away is killing family.Is this a change of life?


----------



## BigToe

I think the divorce being finalized is the clear tripping point and you need to move on with your life, as she has. I don't think people generally take divorce lightly and since she filed for it, then followed through with it, I think you need to convince yourself that she is gone and IF she ever comes back it will be because she decided to do so.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh wow. My heart goes out to you. 

It seems she very quickly divorced you in a whirlwinded manner. 

My advice is to go no contact with her for now until you feel you're emotionally strong enough to see her. I think your therapist is nuts for saying no contact for 2 years or for life. That seems extreme. After all, you were together nearly two decades! It's not like it's a stranger.

There is no cure for heartbreak but time and good friends. Get out there, get some sunlight, find a new hobby, exercise and put one foot forward each day. I won't tell you that you'll be fine in two months from now but I will promise you it DOES get better with each passing day.

Stay strong.


----------



## needmorehelp

ugh, I can totally sympathize with your ex. Why does it take men so long to get the picture. Men, who like it spelled out for them, still cannot get it when it comes to something so incredibly important.


----------



## Conrad

needmorehelp said:


> ugh, I can totally sympathize with your ex. Why does it take men so long to get the picture. Men, who like it spelled out for them, still cannot get it when it comes to something so incredibly important.


Yeah... men are the problem.


----------



## Sparkles422

It is not men or women, it is human beings. When it is over, it is over. That is what happened in my first 23 year marriage. I divorced and felt free.

This second one, I am getting exactly the pain that my first X had felt. Karma, ouch!

X has an EA to fuel his separation glee. I chose not to, to grow through this and boy that is the harder way, let me tell you. No drugs, no alcohol to subdue it; just the pain of betrayal and disillusionment unvarnished. But I will feel the full heights of joy now.

I was divorced yesterday.


----------



## troy

23 years of marriage coming to and end also. Also met her in high school and been together ever since. I also feel I am on the receiving end of a walk away wife. She started planning her exit 5 years ago and the exit is next month. Both kids are leaving the house to go to college, that is her time to make her exit.

It will be hard to start dating and looking for someone else, and speaking from recent experience, DO NOT fall for the first girl that winks at you, or flirts with you. I made that mistake.

Take your time and enjoy the single life for a while until you feel you are ready to start dating. There is a lot of fish in the sea, so go fishing when you are ready and I am sure you will find a good catch one day. Take care.


----------



## ClipClop

Op hasn't been back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Yeah some of these old threads keep being necro'ed. LOL


----------



## WonderousStories

ClipClop said:


> Op hasn't been back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm reading, there just doesn't seem to be a heck of a lot for me to say about it.


----------



## LovesHerMan

Oh, Wonderous, it is a shame that you were so caught up in her physical appearance that you alienated her affections. She sensed that you did not really love her, but only valued her as arm candy that made you feel superior to other men. 

I don't see her coming back, but if it will make you feel any better, write her a letter apologizing for your lack of sensitivity to her feelings.

Like others have said, I would try to learn from this experience, and treat your next relationship with tenderness and care. Women need to feel that we are the most important thing in our man's life because of who we are. Just like you guys want to be valued for who you are, and not just how much money you make.


----------



## ferndog

Once upon a time there was a beautiful couple full of love, romance, and hope. Then one day he stopped caring. She filed for divirce and She never came back the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## frigginlost

Wonderous, that's pretty sad to read. I feel for ya, but I don't know that I would classify it as a walk away ( at least in my eyes ). Your ex gave you options to try to work on saving the marriage. Namely counseling. I really feel for you, but I don't think she will ever come back.

Try to be thankull that you at least were given the reasons for the D and make the changes in your life to correct them. There are some of us who were not so lucky...


----------



## ferndog

frigginlost said:


> Wonderous, that's pretty sad to read. I feel for ya, but I don't know that I would classify it as a walk away ( at least in my eyes ). Your ex gave you options to try to work on saving the marriage. Namely counseling. I really feel for you, but I don't think she will ever come back.
> 
> Try to be thankull that you at least were given the reasons for the D and make the changes in your life to correct them. There are some of us who were not so lucky...


No on has posted here in over a year I'm sure he has moved on. That's why I posted that little story cause she never came back and neither will my ex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

