# I know what I need to do, but I just can't do it!



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

My husband moved out almost 7 weeks ago. He said that we have too many problems, and doesn't want to work on the marriage. It's hard because I still love him so much. He did a lot of things in our marriage to lose my trust in him, and I know him leaving...even though it crushed me, was the best thing for both of us.

The problem is that he still tells me he loves me, and still wants to come by my condo to "check up" on me. He even sent me flowers for Valentine's Day. My emotions are like a roller coaster...one day I feel strong, and the next I feel so weak.

I know that in order for me to move forward, I need to stop contact with him. No more texts, visits, phone calls...etc. We do need to see each other on a couple of occasions for tax purposes, but once that is over, there is not much need to see each other.

We don't have children, so I guess that makes things a lot easier. The only thing we have in common is a home that we purchased together. It is like a weekend house, so it is not our primary residence. I am willing to walk away from the house, but I just want the deposit back that I put down on it.

I feel like my hopes and dreams are shattered, and that my chance of having children is quickly fading (I am 38). I want to move forward with my life, but I know I can't until I heal from this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hilly,

Have you been to counseling?

One thing to remember about men. They like to keep the door open a crack.

Don't let him.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Yes, I am in IC. I actually have 2 therapists (sounds pathetic!). One that was actually our marriage counselor, and the other therapist that I was seeing through my medical provider since we first got married. 

The marriage counselor has been very helpful since she has seen and heard both my husband and my viewpoints. My husband actually initiated the marriage counseling, because he wanted to save our marriage....this was almost 2 years ago. What he really meant was he wanted counseling to change me, he had no intention of trying.

My husband has many characteristics of a self-centered person. He blamed me for the problems in our marriage, never took responsibility for anything, and looks to others to boost his ego and feel better about himself. 

I see this so clearly now, but why is it so hard to let him go? I feel like one of those women you see on talk shows :-(


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

hilly2 said:


> My husband has many characteristics of a self-centered person. He blamed me for the problems in our marriage, never took responsibility for anything, and looks to others to boost his ego and feel better about himself. I see this so clearly now, but why is it so hard to let him go?


Sounds like my wife. Selfish, self-centered, doesn't love herself so she constantly seeks external validation to fill her up. I miss her, or at the very least the better parts of our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Sounds like my wife. Selfish, self-centered, doesn't love herself so she constantly seeks external validation to fill her up. I miss her, or at the very least the better parts of our relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, how are you handling her/this?


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

hilly2 said:


> So, how are you handling her/this?


She left the marriage over two months ago. Said she needed space and time to figure things out, was not happy, claims there was/is no one else. I was devastated. Over time I've been to IC, spent time with friends, kept busy, followed 180 rules (somewhat), visited and shared in TAM, exercised... been quite a roller coaster ride but am doing my best to cope. I miss her, but cannot trust her emotionally so am moving forward. Ups and downs are not as extreme.

I wish you the best through your experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up hilly, though I know that is so hard to not do. My husband did a lot to destroy our marriage, and me, but I have loved him more passionately than any other man I have ever known, and I have loved him for 10 years, despite the fact we have actually only officially been serious for a little over two now. Sound creepy? I suppose considering everything he did to me, it is, but I'm just saying this to tell you it's okay to love him, even if he's a jerk. But it's not okay to let him keep hurting you. Cutting off contact is VERY difficult, but if you know that's what you need to do, I know you will have the strength to do it. You're not alone.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Thank you both for your support. I know that eventually I will be ready to take that step....hopefully sooner than later.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Why did he send you VD flowers if he is not interested in the marriage?


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

This is me said:


> Why did he send you VD flowers if he is not interested in the marriage?


I think he sent the flowers because it made him feel good to do it. The card said "For all our good memories and good times" Love, (his name). He never talks about repairing the marriage, and I don't ask.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

You are so strong, I want to ask all the time. But I have learned it does no good.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

madaboutlove said:


> You are so strong, I want to ask all the time. But I have learned it does no good.


I caught myself on more than one occasion crying and telling him how I feel, how hard this is for me...etc. Then I noticed that I was the only one talking. He had nothing to say. So, sad. All he could say was "I'm sorry that you're hurting." I stopped talking after that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

My wife and I are discussing our issues.

I find it very telling that she is anxious and open to counseling when she wants something from me.

Yet, when I mention that she isn't nice to me... or perhaps that she has never asked anyone (counselors or friends) what SHE actually could do to improve our relationship, she loses interest in going to counseling.







hilly2 said:


> Yes, I am in IC. I actually have 2 therapists (sounds pathetic!). One that was actually our marriage counselor, and the other therapist that I was seeing through my medical provider since we first got married.
> 
> The marriage counselor has been very helpful since she has seen and heard both my husband and my viewpoints. My husband actually initiated the marriage counseling, because he wanted to save our marriage....this was almost 2 years ago. What he really meant was he wanted counseling to change me, he had no intention of trying.
> 
> ...


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

She has to want to work on her issues too. Sounds like she is not ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hilly2 said:


> She has to want to work on her issues too. Sounds like she is not ready.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may be more afraid of facing herself than losing me.

Her choice.


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## remmebr (Feb 21, 2012)

Wow Hilly - I am going through the exact same thing except my husband has not left yet. He said he is done and we are living two separate lives in this house. I love him and do not want to leave. He won't leave as he said that financially he cannot support his portion of the house and pay for his own place. I am 38 without any kids and my husband initiated counseling a few years ago too, but we didn't continue going. He felt that I did not stroke his ego enough. Since then he has looked to others to boost his self-esteem and has lost interest in me. When we have issues, I am the only one talking and the only thing he can say is, "I will always love you." You sound like you are a very strong woman and I completely understand how hard this situation is.....I also feel like my dreams of having a happy life with this man are shattered! My husband did not want children and I was okay with that....but without him...who knows I may want children and now I am 38 years old. This whole situation just plain sucks. I wish I could get the courage to move on and out of this house, but I love him so much that I just can't do it You are many steps ahead of me and I commend you for your courage. I hope you have the strength to move forward and meet the man who is deserving of your presence!


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

remmebr said:


> Wow Hilly - I am going through the exact same thing except my husband has not left yet. He said he is done and we are living two separate lives in this house. I love him and do not want to leave. He won't leave as he said that financially he cannot support his portion of the house and pay for his own place. I am 38 without any kids and my husband initiated counseling a few years ago too, but we didn't continue going. He felt that I did not stroke his ego enough. Since then he has looked to others to boost his self-esteem and has lost interest in me. When we have issues, I am the only one talking and the only thing he can say is, "I will always love you." You sound like you are a very strong woman and I completely understand how hard this situation is.....I also feel like my dreams of having a happy life with this man are shattered! My husband did not want children and I was okay with that....but without him...who knows I may want children and now I am 38 years old. This whole situation just plain sucks. I wish I could get the courage to move on and out of this house, but I love him so much that I just can't do it You are many steps ahead of me and I commend you for your courage. I hope you have the strength to move forward and meet the man who is deserving of your presence!


WOW! This is freakishly similar! Actually, my husband would have probably still been living here, but I flipped out on New Year's Eve and kicked a piece of furniture over. I am not a violent person, but I couldn't take it anymore. He was done after that. I could not even imagine how it would have been if he would have stayed, I would have gone crazy knowing that he did not want to try anymore.

I've read a little about people that have self-centered personalities, and there should have been a picture of my husband on the page! It sounds like your husband is most likely the same way too. The one thing that you have to realize and understand is that we could have been the "perfect" wives, but it still wouldn't have been enough for them. They have something missing, a hole inside of them, that they try and fill with constant praise, and attention. One person can't do that.

I know now that my husband came into this marriage that way, but it took him leaving me to actually get it. I want you to know that there was NOTHING that you could have done to fix this. I love my husband so much, but I know that we can no longer be happy together.

As far as being 38 without kids, I am freaked out. If I start dating, men are going to run in the opposite direction because they will hear the loud ticking of my biological clock. I have even thought about making a deal with my husband to let me have a baby before we divorce. I know, somebody needs to slap me silly.

Ok, I have had a half glass of wine, and I am tired. Please forgive me. Also, let's please keep in touch so we can give each other support as we ride this roller coaster of emotions.


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## remmebr (Feb 21, 2012)

I agree, we need to give each other strength through this whole mess. Let's definitely keep in touch. When I get upset and start wanting to talk, it usually turns into yelling as he is not paying attention to me and then he just leaves the house and comes back in the middle of the night. There is another woman in the picture who he claims he is just friends with...but I found over 1400 texts a month for several months between the two of them. I'm so stupid and don't know why I am putting up with this crap. I told him to leave a week ago and he claims....this is my house too! I guess maybe one of these days I will wake up and just pack up my crap and get out. As long as I just talk about superficial stuff he is okay with me...but the minute I cross that boundary, he can't handle it and leaves. My husband is completely immature and acts more as though he is 20 instead of 38. I think about meeting another man and it freaks me out as look at what happened after 12 years of knowing my husband...he completely flipped and is no longer a considerate caring individual. I hope you can gain strength with each days passing! If you need to vent, please know that I am here to listen...It's nice to know that someone can relate


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