# At a crossroads and both want different roads



## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

Hello Everyone

I am hoping that someone may be able to lend a listening ear and offer advice/support.

We have been married 27 years the last 7 have been in Sydney, Australia. My OH joined the Australian Navy in 2007 and we moved here with our 3 children, 2 teenagers and our 7 year old son.

We agreed to stay for the length of the naval contract which was between 3 to 6 years. I told my OH that I would stay for that length of time but was quite clear that I would want to return home. He agreed to that time scale.

Within the first year he was already talking about 'if' we ever returned to the UK. I heard alarm bells ringing and we had our first of many arguments when I told him there was no 'if' it was always a 'when' we return home. 

The 3 year period came and I said I wanted to move back, he found every excuse under the sun not to and as he had spent a lot of time at sea I agreed to stay for another year in order for him to travel and do some fun things. 

That year came to an end and again I asked him to look for a job in the UK, he said he couldn't apply for any jobs while still in the navy as he had to give a 6 month notice period so he left the navy and took a consultancy job. We had to leave a nice house which the navy had paid the rent for and move to a smaller place but I was willing to do that while he looked for work in the UK. He applied for all of 2 jobs, was unsuccessful, so stopped looking.

He was then approached by another larger company and offered a higher paid job which he took. Again, he refused to look for UK work but as the company were a UK based company he told me that if he could help them with the contract they were bidding for then he would stay for its completion and then return to the UK. In short, they didn't win the contract and promptly made him redundant.

We were then told the landlord would be selling the house we rent. I said it was a perfect time to move home back to our own house, he again refused and started his own business doing consultancy work. 

We have argued this through until I feel my head will explode. I feel so betrayed, he has told me he likes it here, he can earn more money, the thought of life back in the UK makes his heart sink, he has accused me of not making this fun for him, criticized me for having depression, accused me of being controlling, he went so far as to say that he had to balance what he would be leaving here in Australia to move to the UK with me in case it didn't work out between us. 

Our eldest daughter has moved out with her boyfriend and will be moving back to UK in December, our middle daughter is living away at Uni and we have a 14 year old son. It is for his sake only that I am still trying to resolve this issue between us, but at this point all I feel is boiling rage and feel I could live quite happily never seeing him again.

He just will not accept that he has done anything wrong. Even if we do end up living together in the UK I feel that all the damage has already been done and unless he changes drastically we will not be happy again.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

"Unless HE changes dramatically, WE will not be happy again"....

Why does he have to change? He already IS happy. It's you who needs to change your mindset. If you're unhappy, then pack up and go. 

It seems to me, there's many more problems than just what you've written. It sounds like you've haven't had a married couple relationship for quite some time now.

So, as devil's advocate... Let's say your husband leaves everything behind and returns back to the UK. Is this the magic pill that will fix your marriage? Poof, all problems disappear and Life is Grand, right? You are very adamant he's done something wrong. What is it, exactly, you feel he's wrong about? 

You don't specify why you want to leave. You mentioned depression, have you taken steps to get that under control? 

How is your son doing? Is he happy and thriving? Does he want to go back as well?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what is so nice about the UK that you are dying to get back there?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

It can be difficult to deal with a spouse who is unwilling to see things from your point of view, especially if they made promises that they are now going back on. I know you are frustrated and now you have built up a lot of resentment for him. In your mind, you probably blow up every little annoying thing he does into a big deal because of this one issue. You are not alone. Many people would feel the same.

I know that you probably miss family in the UK and that is one major reason to get back home. If your children are there, it's only natural to want to be close to them. I think you need to make it perfectly clear to your husband that you are unhappy. You both made an agreement that you would return to the UK, but he unilaterally decided otherwise. 

Give him an ultimatum. This needs to be frank, but not rude. Explain you are unhappy. Tell him you are moving back to the UK on [insert date]. You will do this alone, but you want him to go with you to keep the family together. If he doesn't care, he will stay in Australia. 

It's tough to face this, but I don't see any other way to get him to give you any serious response. At least this way you will know how he truly feels. You sacrificed to move for his work, it's his turn to live up to the plan you made and move back home.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Can't make it through your wall of text. Paragraphs please?


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

Revamped said:


> "Unless HE changes dramatically, WE will not be happy again"....
> 
> Why does he have to change? He already IS happy. It's you who needs to change your mindset. If you're unhappy, then pack up and go.
> 
> ...


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

He has to change in that he cannot make promises/agreements and then not keep his word. He has to honor his agreements, just like he has to honor his marriage vows. You wouldn't expect your spouse to say one day, 'hey I know I said I would love you until death us to part, but I changed my mind, so you can stay with me if you want but on my terms' and then be expected to change your MINDSET to accommodate this new arrangement. If he can't see that this behavior is destructive then it will keep happening, different circumstances maybe, but something else will come along where he ignores my wants/needs in favor of his own.

The only thing I need for the depression is for him to stop behaving like a selfish a**hole.

The reason I never wanted to make this permanent is because I love living in the UK, it's my home, my daughter will be there, my mother is there (health deteriorating), it's where I belong and for 20 years we had a life there together.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

What's so nice is that it's my home. The place I feel I belong. It may be small and have too much rain but it has beauty, history, free healthcare, free education, a great sense of humor, character ... the list could go on and on. Australia was ok for a short time, a time for a change and adventure, but NEVER somewhere permanent.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> what is so nice about the UK that you are dying to get back there?





inquizitivemind said:


> It can be difficult to deal with a spouse who is unwilling to see things from your point of view, especially if they made promises that they are now going back on. I know you are frustrated and now you have built up a lot of resentment for him. In your mind, you probably blow up every little annoying thing he does into a big deal because of this one issue. You are not alone. Many people would feel the same.
> 
> I know that you probably miss family in the UK and that is one major reason to get back home. If your children are there, it's only natural to want to be close to them. I think you need to make it perfectly clear to your husband that you are unhappy. You both made an agreement that you would return to the UK, but he unilaterally decided otherwise.
> 
> ...


I have given him the ultimatum and have started the packing process; he has started to look for work in the UK but alternates between trying to be kind and helpful with it all to shouting at me for being selfish. I can only see one selfish person here who created this whole situation in the first place. 

Nobody is happy at the moment, not him for being made to choose, not me for having to make him but we have a son we both love very much so somehow we have to work this out.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Can't make it through your wall of text. Paragraphs please?


Yes my apologies I typed all that in one huge outpouring. Makes difficult reading I know.:iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> what is so nice about the UK that you are dying to get back there?


I agree

Why are you so into moving to UK thing?

To me, as long as I'm with my loved one, doesn't really matter where we are as long as we can make ends meet.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondino said:


> *I have given him the ultimatum *and have started the packing process; he has started to look for work in the UK but alternates between trying to be kind and helpful with it all to shouting at me for being selfish. I can only see one selfish person here who created this whole situation in the first place.
> 
> Nobody is happy at the moment, not him for being made to choose, not me for having to make him but we have a son we both love very much so somehow we have to work this out.


Ultimatum? 

Not smart/healthy. 

This is as big of a deal as YOU make it, or no big deal AT ALL if you are willing to let go of this "UK" thing.

Personally, I work for a UK company and have seen enough to convince me to never EVER live there (or even go there to visit).

Perhaps 2nd is a bit much, and I will visit UK before I die (mostly because I'm a huge Soccer fan).......but that's about it.

Regardless, pros and cons wherever you live. I still think you should have some beef with him for giving you wrong impression. If the decision has been made and he told you that he accepts going to UK in few years, he should go along with that IMO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They are from the UK and she wants to return as he promised would be the case when they moved to Sydney. The problem is she wants to go home and he doesn't. If he does return, he's likely to resent it as she much as she resents being in Sydney.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Do you work outside the home? Have you done anything to make friends, become involved in your community? 

If you moved when your son was 7 and he's now 14, his life, school and friends are in Australia and you'll be uprooting him as well as forcing your husband into something he clearly doesn't want. 

Looks to me like you are the selfish one. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are willing to force people to do something they don't want to do just so you can return to the motherland. Are you willing to lose everything or doesn't that mean anything to you. 

As for the "promise" you're holding over his head and getting all resentful over; times change and things change. It's not the same as a marriage vow and you either know that and are being manipulative, or if you can't tell the difference, you're impaired. 

We moved a lot in a military and academic careers. The ex, as dreadful as she was, never objected to moves and always made the best of it. Although she was shy with others, she always jumped in and got involved.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

Time4Joy said:


> Do you work outside the home? Have you done anything to make friends, become involved in your community?
> 
> Yes I have worked, volunteered, made friends, community college etc.
> 
> ...


My husband was in the military in the UK as well. I have spent 27 years married, 25 as a military wife. I have always moved with him to keep our family together, I have been a single parent to 3 children during his long deployments, I have lived in places I don't particularly like, I have always found work, got involved etc. I am no stranger to feeling like an outsider. 

This is different though, I now have 1 child remaining at home, I'm the only remaining child to my mother whose health is deteriorating and increasingly needs more help. OH knows she needs help but just resents it. His own mother is 85 and his sister looks after her so doesn't know the guilt I feel.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

So why not just go? He will either follow you, or he won't.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> So why not just go? He will either follow you, or he won't.


It's not that simple, there is a 14 year old boy who needs his dad, I can't play Russian roulette with his life. My husband has a responsibility to keep to agreements we make and be around to father his son.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What if he chooses not to return to the UK?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You are right. There is a lot more going on here than just a disagreement about where to live. If you were both in sync and happy in your marriage, you'd be able to empathise with each other better, you'd both be able to come to some agreement/compromise.

I get the feeling that with you catering to his career/choices for your entire marriage, he is of the mindset that this is how it should be, always. He has never had to compromise for your career/choices and likes it that way. Now that you want him to show you some of the loyalty and willingness to support your partner that you yourself have shown over your entire marriage, he's too spoilt and set in his ways to want to. For him, he wants to do what he likes and you should just do what you've always done, support him. His street only goes one way.

I think that you aren't going to be happy staying in Australia. You have a right to come first in the marriage for once. It shouldn't always be about him. Let him stay in Australia without you and your son and move back. If he is committed to your marriage and children, he will come to realise he was an arse. You have to be willing to let him come back though. It might be that you have to freely let him go in order to have back a marriage that is without bitterness and anger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondino said:


> Yes my apologies I typed all that in one huge outpouring. Makes difficult reading I know.:iagree:


There is an edit button on the bottom right of your post. If you click that you and go into your post and add paragraphs.. just add some white space. Most people will not read a wall of text.

so if you want a lot of input, it's wise to make your post legible.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

I completely agree ... during one of our many arguments he told me that as he was the main breadwinner then it was my responsibility to support him wherever his job may take us, ignoring the fact that I have been doing just that for all these years. I seem to have woken up finally and told him that this was a bigger issue than where we live, it was about the inequality in our marriage and life just seemed to be a battle of wills between us. His reply ? ... Well just submit then !!


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

I asked him the same thing, but along the lines of 'do you really want our marriage to end if you don't come back'. To be told 'So be it'


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Blondino said:


> I asked him the same thing, but along the lines of 'do you really want our marriage to end if you don't come back'. To be told 'So be it'


I think you have grown beyond the role of submissive wife. You can't close that door once it's been opened from what I've seen of life, not that I'm an expert. At this point either he grows and adapts or the marriage stagnates until it's so rotten it falls apart. I think it's getting to the rotten part. He is unwilling to grow as a person with you. He is stuck where he is. It now has to be your choice as to whether you stay in that rut with him or continue your journey without him. If you stay, you will always have to remind yourself that you made a choice to accept this stagnant marriage. You will have to put the genie back in the bottle.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Do him a favor. Divorce him and go back to England.


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## Blondino (Dec 30, 2013)

Time4Joy said:


> Do him a favor. Divorce him and go back to England.


:rofl:


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