# Stuck in a bad situation



## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

I am two weeks away from my divorce being final. Four months ago my stbx said she wanted a divorce so she could be with her long lost love from high school. She has only worked part time for most of our marriage and for the last year has not worked since she had gone back to college. Last year she received an inheritance from her grandma that she was using to go back to school and to get new boobs and paid for a family vacation for us. My income just barely got us through but we decided it was worth the sacrifice for her to be able to get a good job.

Since she didn't have a job she couldn't move out when she decided she wanted a divorce. She paid for the divorce and we did it uncontested and agreed on child custody and separating the assets. It is quite a favorable agreement for me and I'm happy with the results. The only problem is that for the last four months she has continued to live with me and does not pay rent, utilities, cell phone, etc. We do alternate weeks buying groceries but that is it as far as regular expenses go. She did buy new tires for our vehicle and school clothes for the boys. At the time we filed, we only had one vehicle so we left it as a joint asset. She purchased a cheap vehicle that I use to commute and the idea is that whoever has the boys for the week will use the nicer vehicle.

Here is my problem....as the final date approaches, I don't know how to get her out of the house. I don't have enough money to buy her half of the vehicle from her or go buy my own car. (even though it was my paycheck that paid for that car to begin with) I also don't have the money to cover a deposit on a new place to just move out. Her inheritance is dwindling fast and she can't afford to maintain the home we rent for more than a few months at this point and in four months she has not even attempt to find a job. Her excuse now is that she needs to be there for our 16 year old son who got into some trouble at school and got expelled. We were able to get him back in but he is now in therapy and she says that he cannot be left home alone which limits what she can do for work.

She has the upper hand in that she has at least some money in the bank and I do not. She owns the cheap vehicle and I can't afford to buy out her half of the other one so I am reliant on her for a car. She thinks we should just continue to live together until she figures out what to do, but it has been four months and she hasn't even tried looking for a job. Oh, her boyfriend dumped her after 2 months, so her motivation to move out is gone. Before that she was pushing hard to get the divorce finalized and I think the idea was that she would move in with him and wouldn't need to worry about working. Now that he dumped her she wants things to be good between me and we continue to live together even though we are divorced.....for the sake of our troubled son.

I know I have made mistakes in the whole process but I am completely stuck now. I don't know what to do and need her gone so I can begin to move on. Any advice is welcome.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Any family around that you could temporarily live with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

hard_to_detach said:


> She thinks we should just continue to live together until she figures out what to do, but it has been four months and she hasn't even tried looking for a job.


If it wasn't clear, thats code for until she finds someone else. 

Better tell her to start stripping with those new boobs. Honestly how irresponsible can this women be. What was her excuse for not finding a job before your son got in trouble?

But even if she finds a jobs and leaves that would still leave you with the financial problems. 

What a sh!tty situation. 

Is there any way for you to break your lease or rent agreement without a huge fine?


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

Well, she finally pulled did what I knew she would do. She called and put a hold on the divorce and said she is not comfortable with the terms and feels like she is getting screwed. I pointed out that she was ok with it when she had a boyfriend but now when she is faced with the finality of it and she has no boyfriend, no job, and no prospect of anything, she wants to change it.

She wants me to take on all of the joint debt we have and is bitter over the inheritance money she spent on Christmas last year, and the family trip, and to help out with some bills earlier in the year. She knows she has me in a tight spot and says if I don't agree to her terms she will just hire a lawyer and see what happens then. I know this is a defense mechanism and she is feeling hopeless. Basically, once we can come to an agreement, the final paperwork will be sent to the court for a judge to sign. 

I am considering agreeing to taking on the debt but changing the child support so that it doesn't start until after she moves out. Also, if I can, make it so that I get credit on my support payments based what I spend on her portion of rent, utilities, etc while she is living with me. That way she will have more motivation to move out and I will be able to recoup what I have spent on her living with me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

hard_to_detach said:


> Well, she finally pulled did what I knew she would do. She called and put a hold on the divorce and said she is not comfortable with the terms and feels like she is getting screwed. I pointed out that she was ok with it when she had a boyfriend but now when she is faced with the finality of it and she has no boyfriend, no job, and no prospect of anything, she wants to change it.
> 
> She wants me to take on all of the joint debt we have and is bitter over the inheritance money she spent on Christmas last year, and the family trip, and to help out with some bills earlier in the year. She knows she has me in a tight spot and says if I don't agree to her terms she will just hire a lawyer and see what happens then. I know this is a defense mechanism and she is feeling hopeless. Basically, once we can come to an agreement, the final paperwork will be sent to the court for a judge to sign.
> 
> I am considering agreeing to taking on the debt but changing the child support so that it doesn't start until after she moves out. Also, if I can, make it so that I get credit on my support payments based what I spend on her portion of rent, utilities, etc while she is living with me. That way she will have more motivation to move out and I will be able to recoup what I have spent on her living with me.


Let me ponder ideas for you. First ideas. Not sure how pretty she actually is (most husbands overestimate by roughly one to two points) as Ive not seen any pics but...

Work at hooters? Dont laugh they pull good coin there.

Part time job. Can she sell? How smart is she? Sears appliances is almost always hiring. Its a PITA but pay usually averages about $14 to 18 an hour. Lawn and garden is a bit easier and pays about 10 to 14 an hour. They ride you on a ton of numbers there but you get paid far better than any typical part time job.

So the divorce is no longer final Nov 15???


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Let me ponder ideas for you. First ideas. Not sure how pretty she actually is (most husbands overestimate by roughly one to two points) as Ive not seen any pics but...
> 
> From previous posts she IS adventurous. She could strip... Pays like 70K or so I hear. Work at hooters? Dont laugh they pull good coin there.
> 
> ...


You are thinking outside the box
Anything to get her out
Or just let her stay till after the holidays maybe she will find a new man by then.
A sugardaddy at the strip club anything is possible.
It is a sick idea for most but for her eh why not.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

man, that sucks, I have followed your whole story from the begining, is bad the OM dumped her just before the divorce became final, you were about to be free without much damage in the divorce.

as you say you are in a tough situation, if you involve lawyers is going to become really expensive, and probably you are going to end taking half debt anyway, try to reason with her, play the nice guy again trying to convince her that is only fair that she take more of the burden as she broke the family, try to manipulate her.

otherwise when it comes to legal terms, she is going to screw you, that is the cruel true.

Wish you the best.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

there is a way, I know I am going to be criticized by this, I know everybody is going to tell me how I even dare even mentioning it, and some people is going to question my ethical and moral foundations, but the true is many people have used it (including my mother), anyway I am the kind of person that respond with the true when asked.

You can tell your teenagers about the whole situation, they already know half true, and why are you two divorcing, for the comments of your oldest, he already knows his mother was leaving to be with some jerk she met again by FB, if you let them know that now that things did not work with the boyfriend you STBXW wants to screw you, they will put pressure on their mother to stop her crap, and to leave your home as fast as possible.

Where I am from, there is a kind of marriage called separated assets, where every part keeps whatever is in their name, and joint accounts a joint propierties are divided in half, my mother was dumb enough to firm this kind of marriage and accept being a STAHM (even when she was a doctor), then of course, everything was in my father's name, it was because my mother asked our support that my father left her some propierties and half of the main house, but that was for the pressure that we as her kids put in my father, my father could have easily left her on the street.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Has her jealousy caused her to desire reconciliation?

Perhaps she is nearer to admitting she destroyed her marriage because she wanted something new. And OM turned out to be a POS. You remain the most important man in her life.

Did she say anything about destroying the photos?

Wonder what advice she would have for would be WAWs?

Funny how money has steered her. The inheritance seemed to spark her desire for a new life. She thought she had the money to have more power and personal autonomy. Now that the money is not really there she wants to retreat from independence back to co dependence.

Has your desire to have sex with her gone cold?

Your son's troubles, nothing to do with having his stability destroyed?




She is no longer a wreck now. That is a good thing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

IIRC you are in Seattle area. No basements? In the NE there are basements. A lot of houses get changed to 'mother in law's' MIL gets the walk out basement. (Note it looks like regular living area not a basement. Main family lives upstairs. MIL lives her life but is close enough to take care of if needed.

Anyway. Since she probably has too much pride to strip. Push the Sears thing. Not uber but beats the sh!t out of McDonalds.

Edit LW you are right.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Guys, with all respect the stripper idea is not respectful. If a BS wants call his wife a prostitute, okay, he is hurting. If she were in the midst of an affair HTD might need a 2 x 4 if he were saying she had only kissed the OM a couple of times.

HTD has the satisfaction that she knows he was better that the OM in every respect, not least in bed. Not long ago she was on the vrrge of self harm. There is no need to kick her.

HTD,

It looks like you are going have to give her some more money. It may be cheaper to give her some than to fatten some lawyers. Could consider making an offer and requesting that she apologize to you and your children?

She needs to apologize for the psycho outburst when tore up the pictures. Her emotional collapse had you worried about her well being. She ought to see that it was sheer Hèll to live with her when she imploded.

She has turned your family upside down, destroying herself in the process. The reason she heel dragging now is that she does not want divorce anymore. Now that it is real she may become combative


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I don't have any advice other than to try to get away from that woman as soon as you can. She is only saying to stop the divorce b/c she has nothing else to look forward to. She still thinks you are plan B and may turn violent if she doesn't get what she thinks she should.


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Has her jealousy caused her to desire reconciliation?
> 
> Perhaps she is nearer to admitting she destroyed her marriage because she wanted something new. And OM turned out to be a POS. You remain the most important man in her life.


LongWalk wins. We talked for a long time and she finally broke down that she has been so depressed because she realizes she completely messed up her life and has lost the best man she could ever hope to have in her life. She said that she did feel something for the POSOM that she had never felt before but during their few months together came to realize that there was so much about him that she couldn't see living with and has no desire to be with him anymore. Last week was the final straw for her when I was out every night enjoying my life without her. She said it was driving her nuts and she has seriously been fighting suicidal thoughts for weeks now.

She didn't think I would be upset about the pictures. She couldn't stand to look at a reminder of what she had thrown away. She knows that I am trying to move on but wants to see if we can work things out. She even suggested that if I am open to considering a reconciliation, we go to counseling. This is a first for her, she has said in the past that she would never do that and now she is pushing for it. She says that she understands the fact that I am guarded and don't trust her and may never trust her but she wants to do whatever she can to try to salvage things.

I told her that this chapter of our life is closing. We will be divorced in less than two weeks and the relationship we had is gone. I told her that I would always wonder if she is longing for POSOM or when the next POSOM comes along and she decides she can't live without him and we're right back here. I reminded her of all the betrayals I have experienced over the last 6 years and while she has been honest with me in that time about her feelings, she went about things all wrong and I can't trust her the way I used to. I told her that I have considered the possibility of us having a chance years down the road after we have both experienced other relationships and discovered ourselves and worked on our issues, but until then we would just be back in the same situation we were. I also told her that the timing leads me to believe that she is scared of the finality of the divorce and is saying whatever she can to stop it so that she has time to figure things out.

There is a lot more I said that I can't think of right now....needless to say, I have not gotten a lot of sleep over the last few nights as we have spent considerable time talking each night after the boys go to bed. When I told her all of this and how I felt about it, she visibly cringed and slumped and said that she knows we are in different places and that what she has feared is true.....that she has lost me. She has been crying constantly. She said that she doesn't need to go out and experience other relationships and then it hit me....she already did that. Part of her knows that I should do the same thing but she is afraid that I would find someone else and not come back.

I'll tell you what....she is either an Oscar caliber actress or this is the real deal. She is literally throwing herself on my mercy and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. She knows I am guarded and that I will never trust her again but she is willing to do the heavy lifting, wait however long it takes for me, abide by whatever boundaries I need. The first example of this....she would have had to have paid to put a stop on the divorce and make changes and only had one day to get them the money or else they were putting it through for the judge to sign....she didn't stop it. She is accepting the agreement she made when she was running to get out and so it will still be final next Friday.

I thought I was messed up 5 months ago....this has thrown me for a complete loop. I was moving on and ready for whatever my new life would bring. Hope for reconciliation was a distant memory and not something I wanted anymore. Believe me, I'm not jumping on this, but my heart tells me I need to consider it. My brain is pushing for me to move on but even that is telling me I need to consider it. She doesn't deserve another chance and in her former and current state is not worthy of me, but if she is truly willing to make changes and earn her way back, I might consider it.

I feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me and I am just floating in space not knowing which way is up.


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

I am copying this back over to my other thread.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Let the final D go END OF STORY.

Any new relationship even if an uninterupted live in situation must put YOU in the drivers seat. END OF STORY!

Oh and can I have the cheaterville link when done?

Clarity. I think you need to taste at least two women before any thoughts of going forward with her. If she had only kept her no PA part...


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Wait. Didn't she just banged some dude last week and left her c*m soaked panties for all to see in the laundry? Try to reconcile that!!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Tell her the first thing she needs to do is get an effin job. Tell her the Sears thing if she has ANY ability to sell.

It may well have an effect on self esteem too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Let the divorce to through as planned. You can always reconcile after, if that's what you decide to do. But the only reason for her current actions is that her Plan A didn't work out as she imagined, so she's trying Plan B (you). If you give in now, you'll show her that you're willing to accept being her Plan B. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Have you explicitly explained to her just what 2 (or 3?) other partners while you have even through the divorce had none does to a man's heart and head?


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude, if you could afford it, I'd tell you to go on vacation for the next week.

She's shamelessly solipsistic and is pulling out every trick in the book to save her provisioning.

Keep a VAR in your pocket at all times. 

Refrain from indulging in alcohol. 

If you encounter her in a drunken state, flee or get a witness of unimpeachable standing to your side quickly.

Because, if she figures out, either consciously or subconsciously, that she can't influence you. She may decide, consciously or subconsciously, to bring The State into the game.

Edit: Don't expect someone in a panicked state to act rationally.

Edit 2: Yeah, I'm being chicken little, but I'd rather regret posting this in two weeks than to regret NOT posting this.


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## roxanne4238 (Mar 20, 2013)

Hi, I can relate.I just posted about still living together above. Sounds like similar situations except I don't have kids but do have 2 dogs which he uses constantly as an excuse not to be able to move out because no one will take him in with the dogs(I'm letting him have them) when he has plenty of family within our state where I have none and I refuse to move out of state to live with family with no guaranteed job and give up my job of 14 years.


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