# Is my wife just really angry or am I in serious trouble??



## IdiotInHouston (Aug 9, 2017)

I am 47, wife is 33, we married Sept 2, 2005. She was so madly in love with me all those years and looked up to me and always did sweet things for me. I was unaffectionate, took her for granted for years. I was rude and made all kinds of stupid comments about her cheating on me, totally unprovoked. We had some really bad fights with lots of anger and mean words but never any violence. We have an 8 year old son that we both adore. Around summer 2012 or 2013, I caught her deleting FB chats with her exbf and confronted her. She said nothing was going on and she only did it because she knew I'd get angry and accuse her of cheating again. She told me then I needed to pay her more attention and show her more love and affection. I complied and did so for about a month or two and slowly went back to my old ways. She still showed me so much love and attention despite all this. I transferred to Houston because we hated NC in April 2015. I would go back in July 2015 to bring her and my son back to Houston. We really missed each other in those 3 plus months. We were doing good in Houston, and bought a nice house in May 2016. I got a little more loving and affectionate but not much. She was still pretty much in love, but she kept asking me to pay more attention to her and asking me to take her places and do more fun things. I kept getting mad and told her she was so ungrateful and selfish. We fought about this a few times, with the same results. 
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Around January, 2017 was when she finally started shutting down and getting more distant. By February, all her FB posts involving us as a couple stopped. Then in early March, I went to see my sister in Missisippi with my son for a week while she had to stay home alone. During this week, she had time to think about our marriage and pretty much gave up. When I got back that Sunday, she was really cold and distant so I asked her what was wrong. She cried and told me she had time to think and felt totally numb inside and didn't care about our marriage anymore. Of course I panicked and begged her for a second chance. She finally relented and gave me a chance. 

I became very affectionate but also very needy and clingy too. Instead of giving her total love and attention, I kept thinking of my selfish ass and kept trying to make her show me affection. After a month of this, I finally realized I need to stop thinking of myself and show her love and affection. We did okay til about mid May and I started acting jealous and needy again. Her exbf was usually the source of the fights and she kept saying do you want me to cut all contact with him. But stupid me said no and just let them play video games and chat while gaming. I'm having a feeling he may be an EA. So we decided to separate late May. It lasted about 3 days after she moved into the guest room. One morning I was getting ready to leave for work, she came downstairs and hugged me and said she wanted to end the separation.

So we reconciled and did well til she went to New Orleans with another exbf/ best friend and his fiance and two of his friends in mid June. They went to an old friend's wedding. When she got back she became somewhat of a wild child and got really distant and rude. She kept being rude and disrespectful to me and spending more time playing video games. We had a stupid fight on June 30th where she just kept being rude and disrespectful to me. Then the morning of July 1st, she texted me being nice and friendly but my stupid ass, hence the user name, told her I think we need another separation. She told me later that was a huge punch in her stomach. So she was shocked and said ok, we'll discuss details when you get home. When I got home I tried to tell her I wasn't serious lets not do this. Of course she was, no I think you're right, we need to change ourselves to fix this. She wanted a 6 month separation. She moved into the guest room again. 

She later tells me she was planning to go see her friend in Dallas and then stop by OK to see her ex bf and his parents and daughter. I was like hell no, why would you do that. After a small fight she agreed to not go but told me it was not because I told her no, but because his daughter was going back to school and he was too busy working. Then she booked a flight to NC to check on our house. She asked if I'd like to go, but I said no because we wouldn't be a couple. Now I wish I had gone, I probabl

Well, July 15, I asked her if she needed a ride to the airport and she said ok. So I asked her for her itinerary but she was having a hard time giving it to me. So I told her bs, they email you an itinerary as soon as you book. So we start fighting and she says, you'll get the intinerary when I find it and you'll be so sorry. Of course she sends it and proved me wrong. I felt like a damn fool and apologized profusely. I was sure I caught her trying to go see her ex bf. After this fiasco, she told me whatever chance we had at reconciliiation, you destroyed it, I am 200 percent done, I want a divorce.

Since then I've been very pleasant to her and we've been cordial but she seems serious but for some reason I have hope I can change her mind if I keep changing consistently. I"m doing a 180 right now and the pain is mostly gone but some days it comes and it hurts so bad. We've decided to get a divorce next summer so our son can have a good school year.
So now I have about a year to repair this damage that I caused. She is very protective of her phone so it makes me think she has an EA with somebody, albeit she totally denies that there is anybody. We've had sex a couple times but now she feels I'm getting false hope from it so she says we shouldn't do it anymore. 

I'm sure Im forgetting some things but this is my situation. Its been a little over a month since our separation and it sucks. Do yall think this is the real deal or is she just super angry. We've been very friendly and cordial since July 22nd.
I love her so damn much and I hope I haven't destroyed our marriage. Right now I'm just trying to be a good husband and making her home life as pleasant as possible. We haven't fought since July 21 albeit she tries to get me to fight with her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She is cheating on you. Look for the standard-evidence-post by WeightLifter under Coping with Infidelity.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't even know where to begin. lol

Sounds like you both really don't understand what love is...because how you both treat each other, isn't love at all. When you both learn how to actually love and respect each other? Maybe there'll be hope for the marriage, but sounds like you're both selfish, you're both childish, and she sounds like she wants you taking care of her like a dad, while she hangs out chatting up ex bf's. 

Until you both decide to love each other, nothing will change. If she's cheating on you though, emotionally or otherwise, it's your choice, but I'd not stay in that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

To me it seems like you've been in serious trouble for years.

You seem to beat yourself up quite a bit. Is it because you really are a jerk, or has she been gas lighting you and making you doubt yourself?

In any event you probably both need counseling 


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## IdiotInHouston (Aug 9, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> To me it seems like you've been in serious trouble for years.
> 
> You seem to beat yourself up quite a bit. Is it because you really are a jerk, or has she been gas lighting you and making you doubt yourself?
> 
> ...


I admit I was a total jerk for a long time and wasn't there for her a lot. She was very loving and affectionate for a long time but I guess she got tired of my crap. I don't really beat myself up, I'm just admitting I was totally at fault for hurting the marriage. I took her for granted for so many years and until recently didn't realize how much I truly love her. Do I start planting a vor to get some proof and then tell her to move out or just keep working on myself? My therapist hasn't really helped at all so I might need a new one. But I"ve only seen her twice.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

IdiotInHouston said:


> I admit I was a total jerk for a long time and wasn't there for her a lot. She was very loving and affectionate for a long time but I guess she got tired of my crap. I don't really beat myself up, I'm just admitting I was totally at fault for hurting the marriage. I took her for granted for so many years and until recently didn't realize how much I truly love her. _Do I start planting a vor to get some proof and then tell her to move out or just keep working on myself_? My therapist hasn't really helped at all so_ I might need a new one_. But I"ve only seen her twice.


Not withstanding your own admitted blame for the state of you marriage if you want to save it:

1) Your thread so far has the usual cheater hints like guarding the phone, deleted texts, communicating with ex, getting a speech after a short time where they are alone etc. If you want to save your marriage you have to expose the affair. WeightLifters thread has all the standard advice and is always updated. Read it carefully. Even if you fail in saving your marriage you will know what is going on and can react accordingly. You may NOT want to wait a year while she settles her new lover somewhere while telling you its for your son's school benefit. Either way you know what is really going on and can prepare accordingly. So yes, buy the VARs and plant them. If and when you get evidence don't confront immediately. (Everyone ignores that and confronts too soon, Better to get ducks in a row) 

2) Always work on yourself, you will need the physical and emotional strength for whats coming. 

3) You don't get instant results with therapists. Non the less tell them what your expectations are that they may address. 2 visits is not a lot as you know. 

And sorry you are here.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

I could have written this from the wife's perspective.

My husband and I have only been married 3 years though but how you describe yourself is him to a tee.

I forced him into counselling with an ultimatum- I hated doing it but I was sick of his sh*t. 
After months and months of counselling and him switching counsellors repeatedly because they were "taking her side", he finally realised what a jerk he has been and just how much work he needed to do on himself.

I have never been anything but patient though- I never went cold or held anything against him, I would just wait for him to realise his behaviour was not ok. Basically I allowed him to treat me badly and finally when I had enough I had to do/say something extremely hurtful that made him panic. I told him that I was leaving and taking our daughter and he'd never see her or his other two children again- his ex wife doesn't want him around them due to him doing the same to her, and only allows visitation due to me. She would rather give me full custody than share with him.
He freaked and internally I hated myself but I had to make him see.

Now after a counsellor called him on his behaviour he is working on it. We are in couples counselling also and things are starting to improve.

If he had said that he wanted to split, I would have left and not looked back. He had done enough to me and by the sounds of it your wife feels the same.

ETA: she may very well be cheating but I did the things you mention too- deleting texts etc as when he accused me of cheating (repeatedly) he would absolutely rage and be completely unreasonable. I have never cheated. He had however.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Not withstanding your own admitted blame for the state of you marriage if you want to save it:
> 
> 1) Your thread so far has the usual cheater hints like guarding the phone, deleted texts, communicating with ex, getting a speech after a short time where they are alone etc. If you want to save your marriage you have to expose the affair. WeightLifters thread has all the standard advice and is always updated. Read it carefully. Even if you fail in saving your marriage you will know what is going on and can react accordingly. You may NOT want to wait a year while she settles her new lover somewhere while telling you its for your son's school benefit. Either way you know what is really going on and can prepare accordingly. So yes, buy the VARs and plant them. If and when you get evidence don't confront immediately. (Everyone ignores that and confronts too soon, Better to get ducks in a row)
> 
> ...


 In general, anytime you're 15 years older than your spouse, it geometrically raises the odds they will look elsewhere.

Get some IC for your issues.

But, I sincerely doubt you're her best option.

Is she in shape and attractive?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She clearly told you and warned you for years. When you did occasionally improve, it was only momentary and you reverted to the same crap again. Yeah, you're in serious trouble. Too many spouses believe the other will not ever give up or leave. They are usually wrong.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

It's not an excuse for cheating but why did you treat her so badly?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LaReine said:


> ETA: she may very well be cheating but I did the things you mention too- deleting texts etc as when he accused me of cheating (repeatedly) he would absolutely rage and be completely unreasonable. I have never cheated. He had however.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 Out of curiosity , why did you delete your texts and what kind of texts were they?


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Out of curiosity , why did you delete your texts and what kind of texts were they?




Because he was of the opinion that I should only text close family and him.
I deleted texts to friends, mainly those overseas as he could not understand why I would bother maintaining friendships with people who weren't local.
I shouldn't have any friends, especially male because I could only be interested in being friends in order to f**k them 

He was cheating, so presumed I also was

If I left hem there, he would go absolutely nuts if he saw them. I actually had to block contacts so they wouldn't text while I was with him.

Even my parents should only need to be contacted once a fortnight (overseas) apparently.

ETA: they were standard "catch up" texts- hey how are you? How's xyz?" Etc

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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

LaReine said:


> Because he was of the opinion that I should only text close family and him.
> I deleted texts to friends, mainly those overseas as he could not understand why I would bother maintaining friendships with people who weren't local.
> I shouldn't have any friends, especially male because I could only be interested in being friends in order to f**k them
> 
> ...


I totally understand. My marriage taught me that the saying, "You have nothing to hide if you're not doing anything wrong" is total bull ****. If you're with a certain type of person, then you hide things just to keep the peace and your sanity. You hide things because you know you will not be understood or trusted, and the fact that you're not really doing anything wrong doesn't even matter. And of course, they turn out to be the ones who **** around. What a **** life it is with these people, seriously.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You or should I say, Your marriage is in serious trouble! Your wife is not angry anymore, she is done. If she is cheating its an exit affair, cause you have proven over and over you can't change. I think she believes you now! Personally, I think you can't change either. So let her go and you can find someone who likes a jealous jerk (your words, not mine). Good luck with that. Or prove that you can change for good this time. It may be too late with ber, but will help with your next relationship. I don't know too many women who like jealous jerks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was married to a man 16 years older than me, and he ended up treating me the same way that you describe you have treated your wife. (only worse, it seems) What excuse do you have for yourself for being this way? I would really like to know, because I never got any explanation from mine. Well, except he believed I was cheating on him, and nothing could have been farther from the truth. So, his loss. 

That said... your wife IS cheating on you and has been for some time. With your permission, it seems, since you allowed her to continue contact with an ex boyfriend, against your better judgement. 

Divorce her. Set you both free.


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