# Is there still hope or is it done?!



## oh_the_pain (Jan 21, 2013)

Hi! New to the forum and want to tell my story for some insight..

Im legally seperated now for around 2-1/2 months but have been seperated a total of almost a year. I was married 18 years and have 3 children with my ex..

Where to start!
Well I was an idiot for much of my marriage! I am a recovering alchoholic in AA for the 10 months...I was a drinker, not an everyday drinker but more like once a week. I also had bad habits like going out after work with the guys and not coming home on some occasions, I was arrested 4 times 3 of which were for DWI convictions, I also had a gambling habit as well. Many of the nights I was drinking I blew lots of cash needlessly..

My ex still stood by me till last year. I could notice little things about her had changed. We still had sex but she really didnt kiss me passionately anymore and i knew there was a problem.
I wrote her a long letter in Dec of 2011 saying how I want to change and make the marriage work, She responded by saying with all I have done she has taken her love away and if i want it back I had to work for it by showing her I loved her by not doing the things I did in the past..

A few weeks prior to this she had started going out with girlfriends who were divorced or seperated...every weekend it was a Im going out with the girls thing! So like a moron I decided If she is going out Im going out too! Needless to say I didnt stop the drinking then. 

This continued till mid January her going out, me going out tit for tat crap...Anyway one night not long after I get the Im not in love with you anymore line...So I left and moved in with a friend 65 miles away...The following week it was valentines day and I came to drop off cards for the kids and her along with flowers and just left. She text me afterwards stating that she loves me and always will but she isnt sure what she wants.

A week after I come to the house to see the kids and slept over on the couch because I was a long way from where I was staying. I got up in the early am to get ready for work and decided to snoop...In her truck I find a card from her to another guy at her job who started working there a month early saying how she is crazy about him, thinks about hoim all the time, etc..I went completely nuts!

So at this point I know that she is seeing this other guy who is about 13 years her jr! I decide [email protected]@k this and just left..We continued to talk from time to time. Sometimes it was amicable others it wasnt. most of the time she contacted me was about support for the kids which I never reneged on..They are my kids.

Things at this point just went on the way they went on...About 6 months later she mentions that she cant care for the home and asked if i wanted to buy her out of the house so I did with $50,000 in which case we had gotten the legal seperation to make everything legal as too protect myself with giving her $50 grand I needed everything legal so that she no longer had a right to the house.

The legal seperation was done around 2-1/2 months ago..I am now living at the home and she has her own apartment. We have joint custody of the kids and she only asked for half the child suport she was entitled to for our youngest. Its a good agreement that is working out so far and god willing continues to do so...

Anyway, There were a few times threw the year where we talked and i had asked her about working things out.. She said no..She has love for me but is not in love with me. But yet she has also mentioned things like who knows? Maybe next year we will be back together, she has also text me at one point asking me to meet her at a club one night which i refused too but i think it was only due to her and this new guy breaking up for a short time.

It still appears they are still together and i am still sort of sitting in limbo here wondering what the future holds for us if anything.
We had at one point disgust divorce. We both decided not too right now as she has a heart condition and needs my benefits. She also mentioned she had a long talk with her sister about it and that her sister told her why not wait? What if you miss him in the future?

My thing is, if she was gonna miss me wouldnt she by now? whether with someone else or not if she loved me wouldnt she miss me even if she is with this new guy?

I know I am all over the place guys! Im sorry but one of her reasons she says for falling out of love with me is that the morning she went into heart surgery I want there cause I had to be at a court date for my last DWI... I know I know! I should have told my lawyer to cancel it but I was afraid to go to jail in which I culdnt do anything for my wife if I did..If I only knew then what I know now! 

I know she definitley had her reasons for leaving but to do what she did wasnt right either...She also sends mixed sigles sometime with saying thing like I mentioned earlier and texting me to meet her. It hasnt happened often but it did happen..

Your thoughts? Is the marriage dead? should I file for divorce?
Cant afford it right now but just want to get insight from people who have been in a similar situation..


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

if you have to ask... what does that tell you?


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

So, are you divorced now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oh_the_pain (Jan 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> So, are you divorced now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No we are still seperated...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Start the 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oh_the_pain (Jan 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> Start the 180
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


even after so long?


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Do it for yourself. Not to win your W back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oh_the_pain (Jan 21, 2013)

she doesnt live with me...She already has her apartment....


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Doesn't stop you from doing 180. 
Actually makes it much easier. 

Question: why have you not filed for divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oh_the_pain (Jan 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> Doesn't stop you from doing 180.
> Actually makes it much easier.
> 
> Question: why have you not filed for divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well i pretty much have been..Been working out and look great, changed my entire wardobe, staying in as little contact as possible, etc..

I havent filed for divorce for two reasons. 
1. If you read my thread you will see I had a lot to do with the downfall of the marriage and was kinda of hoping to rekindle things.

2. I have been considering it lately but I dont have the money right now to pay a lawyer 4000 grand!


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Four Grand? 
Why? Do you guys have a buttload of assets to split?


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

With all due respect brother,

Don't be an idiot. Sitting around on your behind and waiting in case she runs out of f**kbuddies and comes back to you is pathetic.

Feel free to remain separated, but move on, get a girlfriend and have a great time. 

This is a meaningless post IMO, ask your single mates what they think about your "indecision". 

Or better still, watch the first episode of GIRLS on HBO. Yeah brother, you're that girl.


What you need is a functional pair. Women aren't fond of gelded blokes.


I apologise for the tone of my email, but seriously? Do you really need us to tell you this??


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Its good that you recognize how you messed up in the marriage, yes do the 180 and its also never to late. I disagree with the last post, your obviously still in love with your W, don’t get in another relationship yet. That will just hurt an innocent person. You need to heal from within first before trying with someone else. Healing takes time, my therapist says at least 1 month for every year together and thats "at least". As much as it hurts we need to accept and just work through the pain, not try to cover it up or use crutches....


----------

