# How easy is it to lie to someone you "love"?



## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

This is a question to all those who's guilty of cheating (and to those who's been cheated on as well).

I've cheated myself so I'm not passing any judgement. In my case I couldn't live with the guilt/lies, and after a couple of months I confessed and we broke up after staying together for three yrs. By then he had started asking questions about my moody behavior, and I'm pretty sure he would have found out about the affair soon enough.

However I see many people who aren't ridden with guilt about their cheating. They do it without any remorse. Or it certainly seems that way.

How easy is it really to lie to your partner? I find it strange that he/she wouldn't suspect anything?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I think some just keep revalidating themselves.

I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship after cheating.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW lied to me as easily as she breathed. I've wondered if knowing someone really well makes it easier for a wayward to lie since the wayward knows what the betrayed is likely to believe and want to believe??.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My STBXWW lied to my face easily and repeatedly. However, the guilt made it hard for her to sleep at night.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I know it from both sides. My H cheated on me repeatedly and was never bothered, as far as I can tell, with lying to me. He actually told me that he felt that it enabled him to be nicer to me. When he finally admitted to the cheating it was long over. When I asked him what made him stop, he said he got tired of the sneaking around, but never a word about feeling guilty about lying. 
When I had an EA, I was wracked with guilt and lied repeatedly to my H that nothing was going on. I didn't know at the time that he had spyware on my computer and knew exactly what was going on. It was like a cat and mouse game, ridiculous now that I look back on it. I still feel ashamed about the lying, but he still never seems to feel bothered by it. I think he is only sorry that he got caught, not that he cheated or lied.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

BTW, I don't think you can truly love someone and lie to them about something so egregious. By the time I had my EA, I knew that I didn't really love my H anymore.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I never lied to my wife, but that doesn't mean I was any better. Sometimes my truth was punishing her. She would often say that I always say hurtful things, or make her feel like the worst wife in the world, my reply was usually, "the truth hurts."She on the other hand, lied to cover up her lies, everything was a lie, lol.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I guess as easy as it is to cheat in the first place.. 

I mean really no one just wakes up and finds a stranger in their bed and is now classified as having an affair.. Its not like getting cancer out of the blue.. One day you're okay and then the next you have it..

You LIED to yourself to have the affair.. 
I'm 100% positive if you talk to my Ex she would tell you 100 things that were wrong.. 

But I had ZERO CLUE.. 

Sadly she never expressed any of these issues to me.. 

So why would she honest about the affair ?

You think having an affair is normal ? 
You think only having an affair happens once for people that have done it already ? Of course not.. 

It's like committing suicide. One you cut yourself, you just did the hardest part of doing it.. The actual act.. You now realize how hard it really wasn't.. That it really didn't hurt as much as you expected.. Yet you might survive this attempt.. But the next time you will not be dwelling on that step as much as you did the first time.. You're not going to be trying to cut yourself the next time before you finally get the courage to do so.. The next time it will be one swift cut.. 

And unless you learn what inside you made you do what you did.. You will continue to it.. 

My Ex wife got better with each incident.. 

During the last time I only caught her because of a Trigger. But I swear if I didn't catch her. I truly believe she would have just up and left when she was ready.. But until then she would have kept up the charade. Actually she did when she got caught.. But it was harder for her to keep up the lies and now I was actively uncovering them


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

My ex just like many said before lied to my face repeatedly. It was like breathing to her. And i know for a fact after she told the kie enough she ended up believing them.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you are lying to your spouse, and particularly if the lies are about your own infidelity, I don't believe you can say you love your spouse. Maybe, one day you can find a different love again. But you can not love someone and hurt them in that manner.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> If you are lying to your spouse, and particularly if the lies are about your own infidelity, I don't believe you can say you love your spouse. Maybe, one day you can find a different love again. But you can not love someone and hurt them in that manner.


Bingo. The only thing I will give my H credit for is that he had stopped telling me he loved me. That should have been my clue, but I was too stupid to recognize it.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> It's like committing suicide. One you cut yourself, you just did the hardest part of doing it.. The actual act.. You now realize how hard it really wasn't.. That it really didn't hurt as much as you expected.. Yet you might survive this attempt.. But the next time you will not be dwelling on that step as much as you did the first time.. You're not going to be trying to cut yourself the next time before you finally get the courage to do so.. The next time it will be one swift cut..


That makes sense.

My stbxw was married once before, she lied to everybody about why she divorced, she blamed her xh for abandoning the family, he worked 2 hours from home, and sometimes (once a week) spent the night in his office. She made it seem like he moved out. It was just convenient for him with the short turn around.

Looking at her old facebook posts to her bf (the guy she was living with when I met her) I saw some anniversary posts, 4 year, 6 year. Talking bout the day they met, but the math didn't add up, if you know what I mean. It was obvious, if we went back 4 years earlier from when you posted this, that puts him 6 months before she filed for D... Then the story would change, and before long, her life had so many holes in it that she couldn't deny that she was a cheater, and broke up her family.

Along with that, when rumors started surfacing that she had been cheating on me, she would defend herself by saying, "You know how much I hated my mother for cheating on my dad, I could never do that to you!"

I would say, "That didn't stop you from breaking up your first marriage," then she would go back to blaming her xh for not coming home from work, like we didn't already shred that bull**** lie...

It was like a circle of BS, that never stopped on the obvious.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It's easy....for some people. I would never have believed that my husband would have lied to me so readily and so many times. He lied to me, to his kids, to his family and friends etc. Disgusting. Some days I still have trouble wrapping my head around what he has become. I am finding now that I absolutely do not and will never trust what he says again. Sad; but I am thankful that I found all of this out because never in a million years would anyone guess that this man was capable of it- myself included.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> BTW, I don't think you can truly love someone and lie to them about something so egregious. By the time I had my EA, I knew that I didn't really love my H anymore.


Based on my experience, I believe and have continuously argued that women who have EA/PAs have lost romantic interest in their spouse before the affair happens. It seems that for the sake of reconciling and saving their marriage, a lot of men choose not to believe it.


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

Thank you for all your honest replies 

Would you be able to lie to your partner to save a marriage/partnership? For example if you've been unfaithful for a couple of months, or just a one-night stand, and you really don't want to break up with your SO. The arguement being that sometimes things are better kept a secret...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'd have to say that by the time I would have cheated, I would have had no interest in saving the marriage.

Things would have to be beyond the point of no return for me to wander away. I don't put myself in situations where an affair could manifest itself, now if the marriage was unsaevable and I wandered, I'd have no need, or want to return to what is already dead, especially with my secret.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No.
As much as the infidelity hurts the BS, the lies hurt just as much. Come clean, do the hard work to form an honest, respectful relationship. If you can't, then leave.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My WW lied to me repeatedly, I think she even believed them. My WW told me she thought our marriage was over, convinced herself I wasn't in love with her. My WW had a six month affair with a co-worker. I had the gut feeling, I asked questions, and foolishly believed her lies. Most of the shame I felt was that I believed those lies she told so well. 

My WW says it wasn't easy to lie to me, yet she did it anyway so apparently it was easy. Later as the depression set in she continued these lies. We began MC and she continued to lie for the first five months. Now I'm supposed to believe this wasn't easy for her to do. Finally, after two and a half years she confessed to cheating. Two and a half years of watching me suffer, two and a half years of protecting her OM, all the while telling me lies which was so difficult to do. 

I had been suicidal, I didn't value anything about life, yet those lies continued. While I have gotten better I still think back to all those lies, I still wonder if I would have tried to take my life if she had just told me the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Eve_Ripa said:


> Thank you for all your honest replies
> 
> Would you be able to lie to your partner to save a marriage/partnership? For example if you've been unfaithful for a couple of months, or just a one-night stand, and you really don't want to break up with your SO. The arguement being that sometimes things are better kept a secret...


Again you're lying to yourself.. 

ONS or couple of months out of 15 years of marriage.. Its all the same sh!t.. 

What in the WORLD is so COMPELLING that you MUST fvck someone else at that MOMENT ? What is this EARTH SHATTERING moment that this ONS must occur.. 

I am far from a fashion plate and I will tell you that just being a NYC Detective gives me puzzy power, even with other cops from other states.. I have NEVER, EVER used it... I could have several times in my career without even looking.. Meaning I was actively pursued. 

Trust me I am a ball of clay.. I want nothing more than to be with someone.. I have be institutionalized just like a convict.. I enjoyed being married.. I enjoyed waking up next to someone. I enjoyed holding someone in my arms in bed.. I loved waking up at 3 am for some strange reason and just making love to my wife/GF.. 

I know for a fact if a woman came into my life that just took care of me I would fall apart like clay in her arms.. 

But I know I can't do it.. I can't just jump because of what happen to me.. Because I fell for those lies once too many times.. These are the broken people these things create.. 

You can read my post.. I have the world by the balls and all I want sometimes is my wife back or to be with someone..


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

> I had the gut feeling, I asked questions, and foolishly believed her lies. Most of the shame I felt was that I believed those lies she told so well.


That's brutal - you chose to trust the one you love and it all collapses  Even though your gut feeling told you something was very wrong. 

Maybe even the person who cheats has similar feelings sometimes? 
They desperately avoid relating the truth (for whatever reason), because it means facing their own issues/demons that might be much more difficult than cheating?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Eve_Ripa said:


> That's brutal - you chose to trust the one you love and it all collapses  Even though your gut feeling told you something was very wrong.
> 
> Maybe even the person who cheats has similar feelings sometimes?
> They desperately avoid relating the truth (for whatever reason), because it means facing their own issues/demons that might be much more difficult than cheating?




I know my WW is remorseful, I know she knows the damage she caused, but it was very difficult for her to self reflect to the person she had become. Self reflection is difficult, admitting all the ways in which you are fallible is difficult at best. Yes I was destroyed by her idly standing by with the truth. I was devastated she could and chose to lie to me. But I also made a mistake, I trusted her unconditionally, never before having a reason to not trust. Now we work on trust and vulnerability, we communicate effectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I lied initially and later trickle truthed the details on my 2 As. It took years after R before I felt she could handle the truth. It still hurt her to hear the details but I was sure she wouldn't leave me, which is why I waited.

She lied to me about many details about her A's (number, conditions, duration, etc) but later gave me the details, which also still hurt (just las month). She gave the same reason, she thought that she was sure now I would stay in the M, even after knowing the truth.

She had lied and created an elaborate story to explain a week long trip to NYC to be with her AP, all expenses paid.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Eve_Ripa said:


> Thank you for all your honest replies
> 
> Would you be able to lie to your partner to save a marriage/partnership? For example if you've been unfaithful for a couple of months, or just a one-night stand, and you really don't want to break up with your SO. The arguement being that sometimes things are better kept a secret...


No. I'm not a cheater though. Never have been and never will be.

People who cheat have, at best, a compromised character if not a low character.

Several reformed cheaters will tell you that when they were cheating, it was the lowest point in their lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Cheating is lying. I assume it's as easy to lie with words as it is with commitment.


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

maaz3231 said:


> Cheating is lying. I assume it's as easy to lie with words as it is with commitment.


Yes, that's what I'm thinking too, I guess. A lie is a lie no matter how it's served.:|

But - how would you approach a cheater? 

What if you found out that a good friend, or a brother, or a sister has been having an affair whilst living in (what you thought was) a happy partnership with someone else? You know that this is a good person, someone you trust, someone you care about. How would you deal with this person's lies and deceit?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Eve_Ripa said:


> Yes, that's what I'm thinking too, I guess. A lie is a lie no matter how it's served.:|
> 
> But - how would you approach a cheater?
> 
> What if you found out that a good friend, or a brother, or a sister has been having an affair whilst living in (what you thought was) a happy partnership with someone else? You know that this is a good person, someone you trust, someone you care about. How would you deal with this person's lies and deceit?




About six months after d-day I wanted to commit suicide, I reached out to my sister thinking this would be a good idea, wrong. I met with my sister and before I could tell her, she said to me, "I have something to confess to you, I've been cheating on my husband for the last fourteen years"!! I was crushed, devastated again, and wanted to just end my life. Here I wanted to talk to her about my WW and she is one herself!!! For fourteen years!!! What do you say to that? Fourteen years of living a lie, living in deception, living two separate lives. 

I asked her how she could this to her husband? I mean I don't like the guy and we've had words several times, but this is just cruel. I said she had no excuse for her choice or actions, the correct thing to do was to divorce. That's it, divorce. She is now divorced and two months ago came up and told me her AP cheated on her. I said "you're surprised, you were both cheating and you're shocked he cheated on you"? We aren't as close as we used to be, don't know if this can ever be repaired, we stand on the opposite sides of the fence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

I never have and could ever cheat or lie. But my stbx did it so effortlessly. In the beginning I think it ate at him, but he covered his guilt with excuses...not the truth.
I don't know how he did it honestly. Eventually I think he just started to believe his lies.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

For some cheaters the lies are part of the excitement.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

To the OP. By my definition of love, you don't fvck other people and lie.

Both are indicators of self love.

Loving another is far too selfless for lying or cheating to take place.

Cheaters can reform and learn to really love but not while lying and cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> To the OP. By my definition of love, you don't fvck other people and lie.
> 
> Both are indicators of self love.
> 
> ...




ConanHub

This is most likely one of the most accurate posts I've seen on TAM. I have argued with my WW that while she was in her affair she could not have possibly loved me. I won't even start about being in love with me during her affair, but it was very difficult on my part to accept that my wife loved someone else and not me in the affair. My WW had always stated she loved me and not the OM, but about eight months after d-day she finally realized she didn't love me at that time. 

For WS it is most difficult to say they stopped loving their spouse during the affair. Reality tells you it's obvious the WS didn't love their spouse but for WS it's very difficult to admit. My WW always told me that she never left either with OM or divorce because she loved me. I called her out on that, saying she couldn't possibly love me when being intimate with OM. My WW later admitted she never wanted to stop loving me, but love is a choice also, so at some time she did choose not to love me. This took nearly a month of MC to establish the fact that she didn't love me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> To the OP. By my definition of love, you don't fvck other people and lie.
> 
> Both are indicators of self love.
> 
> ...


I agree. And if you cheat on, lie to, or betray someone you love, you would always want to come clean. And you would absolutely not repeat your mistakes over and over again.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

workindad said:


> My XWW lied to me as easily as she breathed. I've wondered if knowing someone really well makes it easier for a wayward to lie since the wayward knows what the betrayed is likely to believe and want to believe??.


My XW is exactly like this. Even when presented with hard evidence in mediation and court, she refused to tell the truth, and even in her own words she told me that she would never admit anything. I can only assume that she had been lying to me for more than 20 years. She lost her bid for alimony. I think some people excellent liars, and can carry it out for decades. Others cant.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Depending on the person, some people cannot lie without a physical "tell", like looking away, or an eye twitch?

Others can lie while they slide the blade into your heart, saying they are not holding a knife.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

From an infidelity standpoint generally speaking so many have lied to themselves to justify the affair. They have lied to the most important person, themselves. Lying to a spouse comes easy after that now doesn't it?


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

honcho said:


> From an infidelity standpoint generally speaking so many have lied to themselves to justify the affair. They have lied to the most important person, themselves. Lying to a spouse comes easy after that now doesn't it?


Yes, and at that point the cheater have lost him/herself, and how can you be able to love and respect someone when you've have no control of your own life?

This is why honesty from the start is so important. The lies, no matter how small, are damaging.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Eve_Ripa said:


> ....I couldn't live with the guilt/lies, and after a couple of months I confessed and we broke up after staying together for three yrs. By then he had started asking questions about my moody behavior, and I'm pretty sure he would have found out about the affair soon enough.
> 
> However I see many people who aren't ridden with guilt about their cheating. They do it without any remorse. Or it certainly seems that way.
> 
> How easy is it really to lie to your partner? I find it strange that he/she wouldn't suspect anything?





Eve_Ripa said:


> ...Would you be able to lie to your partner to save a marriage/partnership? For example if you've been unfaithful for a couple of months, or just a one-night stand, and you really don't want to break up with your SO. The arguement being that sometimes things are better kept a secret...





Eve_Ripa said:


> ....What if you found out that a good friend, or a brother, or a sister has been having an affair whilst living in (what you thought was) a happy partnership with someone else? You know that this is a good person, someone you trust, someone you care about. How would you deal with this person's lies and deceit?


A few thoughts from a man of 66 years who has seen a lot of people make mistakes. I was almost driven to divorce by a wife that would not have sex with me and tempted on multiple occasions.

I feel strongly that in most cases when there is a problem in a marriage, it has taken two people to create that problem. If nothing else one has allowed the problem to fester until it has gotten toxic to the relationship without intervening. 

Having said that, I also have observed many "cheaters" convince themselves that they are justified and "entitled" to sex outside of their marriage because of the actions of their spouse.

That kind of self delusion can be a lie to oneself. Obviously, if you are willing to lie to yourself, why would you hesitate to lie to someone almost as important to you, your spouse. So yes you can lie to someone you love.

There are also in my mind two kinds of "cheaters." There are those that are looking for emotional love and seek a bonding with their new sex partner. The other class of cheaters are not intending to leave their spouse and are just looking for no strings attached sex or a good time. 

The cheaters looking for emotional bonding are the ones who are likely to face the biggest problem as they are "in love" and want to celebrate that love, and yet don't want to be caught cheating. On a counscious or subconscious level they will often sabatoge their affair so that they get caught to end the guilt. They are secretly crying out to be saved by someone and resolve the pain and confusion in their heart. (sounds like what you experienced)

The cheaters looking for just sex, may have an easier time with affairs. Their spouse may have even said something once upon a time that the cheater has fixated upon that convinces them they have been given a "hall pass." Or they may convince themselves as Bill Clinton so famously did that certain types of sex "are not sex" and that if he didn't have "sex-sex" he wasn't cheating.

We can look at all kinds of famous people who have publicly cheated and lied to just about everyone until backed into a very tight corner of shame. It is not uncommon.

To answer your question, how easy is it to lie to someone you love? Pretty easy if you can first lie to yourself and come up with excuses as to why you are entitled to cheat. 

It is rare to find people who take their wedding vows seriously, who would rather go through the pain of trying to save their marriage than leave it and move on to a fresh relationship. Look at all the advice given by people on this forum who say divorce the cheating spouse and move on, don't invest time in saving the marriage, even when the poster says they want to save the marriage. Look at all the serial marriages in Hollywood that last a year or two at most.

As to your friend or relative who is cheating? I would tell them to stop and think about what they are doing to their immediate family, their friends, and their extended family. Point out to them, that the logical outcome of continued cheating, if not stopped, is divorce. 

Tell them that in a situation of divorce, people will naturally take sides and your trusted friend will loose a lot of support and be shamed by others who were important to them. No matter how justified they felt in cheating they will be hurt and hurt badly.

I would also tell them that if you know, others also know and that their spouse probably suspects. Ask them if they like playing this high stakes game and if it is worth the risk. Tell them that a friendly divorce would be more honorable.

I would then buy them one of MW Davis Divorce Busting books and tell them that they can change, that they can stop the affair before they are found out, that they can work at rebuilding their marriage, but they will need to "fix themself" and become a better person as their first step. 

I would also urge them to seek professional counseling, to help them sort things out within their own mind, before they confess to their spouse, if they ever confess. There are some things one can take to one's grave and that may be a better alternative. 

I hope that this helps and that your friend/relative comes to their senses. I would not judge them too harshly as you first don't know their spouses side of the story and also we are all human beings with human flaws.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Love does not equal lying and cheating.

Never has and never will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Love does not equal lying and cheating.
> 
> Never has and never will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. My XWW loved herself and money a heck of a lot more than me...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Eve_Ripa said:


> Yes, that's what I'm thinking too, I guess. A lie is a lie no matter how it's served.:|
> 
> But - how would you approach a cheater?
> 
> What if you found out that a good friend, or a brother, or a sister has been having an affair whilst living in (what you thought was) a happy partnership with someone else? You know that this is a good person, someone you trust, someone you care about. How would you deal with this person's lies and deceit?


About 19 years ago I found out my closest friend in the world was cheating in his wife.

We were closer than brothers.

I told him he wasn't welcome in my house unless he confessed everything to his wife, ended the affair and worked his ass off to make it up to his wife if she would have him.

He did a false R. I found out and destroyed him personally and professionally.

His wife was a wonderful wife and mother. They had five children.

I don't remain friends with unreformed cheaters and will not associate with family of the same ilk.

I would sooner associate with sentient STDs than unreformed cheaters.

I have more respect for diseases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> To the OP. By my definition of love, you don't fvck other people and lie.
> 
> Both are indicators of self love.
> 
> ...


Some people are not capable of nor understand love the same way as the rest of us. Those who say they love their BS while cheating, gaslighting, and lying about it, those people aren't the same as the rest of us.

I don't think it is merely a hiatus they are in. They were never really in true love to begin with.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Eve_Ripa said:


> Yes, that's what I'm thinking too, I guess. A lie is a lie no matter how it's served.:|
> 
> But - how would you approach a cheater?
> 
> What if you found out that a good friend, or a brother, or a sister has been having an affair whilst living in (what you thought was) a happy partnership with someone else? You know that this is a good person, someone you trust, someone you care about. How would you deal with this person's lies and deceit?


I've known good friends who cheat on their significant others. Some were very happy with their marriage and some weren't. Generally speaking, I look at what they are doing as none of my business. However, I do tell them about my experience of my wife cheating on me. I tell them how much it hurt and how close we came to having to divorce and putting our children in a bad place. I do lose respect for friends who are going outside of their marriage, but I don't disown them as a friend. My trust level goes down with them, but I let them know that I am still a friend and they can talk to me about it anytime they want, so long as it is not to brag about what they are doing.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It was easy for my husband to lie to me. He had been lying to my face the entire time I knew him - 12 years. He even lied about stuff that didn't even matter.

When everything came to a head and I confronted him, he still lied. One example, I asked him to log into all his "F" accounts and disable them. With me sitting right next to him he logged into the first two accounts which had profiles stating he was looking for sex. The site email had sent emails from HIM inquiring about sex hook ups and the cost. Guess what he said. "I did NOT write those emails."

LMAO. Well I asked him to leave for the weekend and I quit watching him log in and disable his accounts. There were tons of them. By Monday I found out that was just a very tiny bit of what he was actually up to. I kicked him out for good that day.

Now, this is a guy who everyone adored. He is the nicest guy and would do anything for anybody. He is really a manipulator who believes his own lies. They lie so much they can do it just as easily as they breathe.

I believe these such people are psychopaths because they have no ability to have any emotion, such as guilt or remorse.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

IMHO I believe that when someone cheats they have exited the marriage-some people exit the marriage by becoming workaholics, gambling, drinking, spending endless hours on screen time, or drugs. These are all ways of leaving/escaping the marriage- . They all require lying and becoming delusional to theirself and to their spouse. They are all forms of betrayal and addictive behaviour. 


So during an EA or PA one is lying to the self first. That it isn't really hurting the spouse if the spouse doesn't find out, its not lying if you are protecting the spouse from hurt..that you are only friends, that it will never happen again, that it is fulfilling something that is missing in the marriage/partnership so it will somehow save the marriage, that it doesn't count if …..you keep your clothes on, didn't mean to, it was someone else's idea…that you deserve to because…..

Does the love end? For some it maybe does and they need to move on so as not to torture the BS. For others maybe it doesn't exactly stop - its suspended- until they return to their reality/sanity. 

All the lies start to feel justified. It is the ultimate in selfish and immature behaviour. But it can be turned around. I don't think its always necessary to throw away a marriage because of the behaviour. People can learn from their mistakes, they can take responsibility for the part they each played in the distruction of the marriage. An affair doesn't happen in a vacuum. You can learn to affair proof your marriage. 

It can be a time of growth and maturation for the couple. With hard work the marriage can be stronger than before and the spouses can have a deeper more meaningful love at the other end. Both need to want to reconcile and the WS must first see clearly the damage they have done by choosing to exit instead of work on the marriage

To work through it is painful and frustrating but I believe it is worth it. People are not perfect and marriages can last a lifetime. This attitude is not for everyone I realize-


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I guess as easy as it is to cheat in the first place..
> 
> I mean really no one just wakes up and finds a stranger in their bed and is now classified as having an affair.. Its not like getting cancer out of the blue.. One day you're okay and then the next you have it..
> 
> ...


I never lied to my wife. But I did lie to myself. I told myself I wasn't having an affair. But then the whole crazy construct of lies fell down and I realised that I had been a lying POS myself. My RA nearly destroyed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Lying is standard practice it seems; even 'deal breaker' lies. My ex lied to my face when I had just discovered the awful truth - literally minutes later. In fact she told 3 lies straight up, one after the other, when I fronted her with the hard evidence. She kept lying, she still lies. There were so many lies I lost count. I couldn't believe how easily she segued from subject to subject, how she seamlessly dealt with my bombardments. The lies kept coming and then silence; that was the big one in many ways. The silence. Layers and layers of lies in all shapes and sizes. Our whole so called relationship one big fat lie. Everything between us smashed to smithereens and not once, I repeat, not once was she able to stop and notice that she was standing in a wasteland. Denial the most evil lie. Look, we all lie to some degree, but when you push the infidelity button you are pi**ing it all up against a wall - you're risking the destruction of families. Everybody loses.


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

The simple answer to this question is 'NO'. Ideally you should not lie about anything
if you are in love. Trust, respect and patience are the most important things in love and they are allied to each other. You know it is always said that if you are loyal and reciprocate equally in your relationship then see how beautifully your relationship will blossom. Why there is a need to lie? Be transparent to each other, share your feelings, likes and dislikes that is how you know each other better. Always feel free and open to your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend this will help you both to get closer and no such situation will occur where there is a need to lie.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I believe that the ease and depth of lying is directly correlated the the level of respect you have for the person being (potentially) lied to.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

You've included quotation marks around the word love, so I'm assuming the implication is that the one in question does not truly love the other person. In which case I guess it would be pretty easy to lie. 

People are complicated beings. We've been evolving for a long time and as a result have given ourselves some very interesting and potentially devastating intellectual tools. 

If two dogs are fighting and one of them is getting the worst of it, he'll roll over and expose his stomach. The victor will spare him. He'll sniff him, urinate on him perhaps but he won't kill him. 

Unfortunately humans have outgrown (?) that instinctual and socially benevolent construct. There's no end to what we will do to each other. People degrade and rot to the point where they can do things so vile they genuinely boggle the mind. When a serial killer or rapist is convicted of doing horrible things to women or children, or worse, when they're not, people ask "How can this happen?" Are you kidding me? 

Not to say I agree with or approve of such things, but this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I guess it's one of the costs of being at the top of the food chain.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Certainly you can lie to someone you love. The foundation to this is abuse in your upbringing/family of origin issues.

I was brought up in a household that I now know was not normal and was terribly abusive. It took me over 50 years to understand how far from normal it was. My father was unpredictably very abusive, both verbally and physically, for my entire upbringing. Since my family was not social, I was really never much around normal families. I just thought all fathers were like that. I still react physically when I recall his anger. Tough stuff.......but at least I know understand a bit about what he was struggling with. His immigrant father was worse than him, his mother abandoned the family when he was a young teen, about a year after his year-younger brother died, and he had a massive case of adhd, undiagnosed.

The lesson I learned early on, was to not draw attention and to do whatever it took to keep things stable, including lying and hiding the truth. Anything to avoid conflict. I still have trouble with conflict in my personal life, and will still do about anything to avoid it. Yes, I still avoid conflict by lying and deceiving........personal conflict just tears me up.......and this may be a trait I carry to my grave. At least now my poor wife kind of understands why I can be such a dork at times.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> My STBXWW lied to my face easily and repeatedly. However, the guilt made it hard for her to sleep at night.


*Not to worry! My RSXW could lie right to my face without missing a beat without the least scintilla of guilt showing!

And her guilt factor? Well, there was absolutely none as she slept like a baby at night ~ usually in other men's beds in distant towns!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I guess I don't understand it.
Before love was even uttered my stbxw lied to me because she was afraid I wouldn't have married her had I known her financial baggage.

Idk, right now I would die for an honest and trustworthy wife, put a price on your own life... You get the idea...

But a dishonest and untrustworthy wife isn't worth her baggage...

Whats this got to do with love?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some folks have no problem lying to people they feel indifferent to, no love, no respect, no nothing......I imagine when it comes to mattering....these kind of folks would lie their ass off to the ones that count.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

With my wife's EA, I recall her flat out lying to me about something I had physical evidence of in my hand in my pocket (her burner phone). It was astonishing, befuddling, I could not wrap my head around it.



Ultimately, and thankfully, that physical evidence was hard for me to evade. Looking back more than a decade earlier, there was a series of lies that at the time were nit as clear cut. What has tripped me up is my willingness to believe, my willingness to look away or hope a bit longer.



I cannot imagine lying about things as she has to me. (Maybe I am capable of doing so... Maybe I have come closer to doing so than I let myself see (but I don't think so). Truth was very important to me as a kid. And I hated every minute of every argument my folks had, and they mostly seemed to be about deceit or alleged deceit.



Her family -- both parents and both of her siblings -- have lied seemingly easily over the years, to each other, one even risking (and getting) trouble with the law. She fairly recently lamented that her family lies (but failed to offer comment regarding her previously lies to me). I suspect she and her siblings didn't have much of a chance to learn the value of truthfulness when they were young, sadly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people in affairs can compartmentalise so very well that they virtually split themselves in two.

Why would they lie to you? To prevent themselves from revealing to themselves what they are doing and to protect their spouse.

And mainly? So that nobody asks them to stop riding that cute witLe pink unicorn, as they are having soooo much fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm torn on the question of whether one can lie to someone they truly love. 

Maybe it comes down to whether it is a selfish love or not. My wife lied to me plenty about her past when we were dating and engaged, having those important conversations to be sure we knew what we were each getting into. In a selfish love it is easy to lie, because you want to prevent the other person from leaving. 

A person who genuinely cares about the welfare of the other person would not lie, because they want to be sure the other person has a good outcome. While this non-selfish person certainly wants the other person and is in love with them, the non-selfish person is willing to lose that other person if it is not mutually beneficial to be together.

But is a selfish love really love, or is it just selfishness?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

My wife would drop me off at work, kiss me, tell me she loves me, and then drive away to start texting with a guy.


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