# Thoughts of cheating from 12 years ago



## spadey (Dec 27, 2021)

So about 12 years ago, my wife started to get distant from me. We stopped having sex and she was very cold to me. She told me she needed to work on herself and we were close to separating but ended up staying together. She'd often stay out late with her coworkers on Fridays, not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning. Turns out she was getting close to a guy at her office. He was the one that would drive her home those nights, even though he lived in the opposite end of the city. I knew something was up since she didn't give me a lot of details about where she went and would get upset if I offered to come pick her up. I could see her always texting late at night and early morning, something she never did.

One night, she asked me to check something on her phone. She just happened to have it on the text message screen and I saw some of the messages. She kept saying she missed him and he said he loved her. I got upset of course and I asked her who this was (even though I knew). She started to cry and said nothing happened between them. She told me she loved me and said apologized over and over and said nothing happened. I believed her then, but in the back of my mind I had to assume that something did happened.

Time has passed and we've moved on, and have two wonderful kids now. For some reason or another, something triggered and now I can't stop thinking about what actually happened. She can tell something is wrong with me since I've been a bit moody. She's asked what's been bothering me but I've just been telling it work stuff. What do I do? Do I mention something that happened 12 years ago that I at least thought I was over? Surely I'm not since it's bothering me now.

Thanks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You dont know the truth about her affair and you needed to. It's very very unlikely that there was no sex with all that time alone together. How can you really forgive and move on when she didn't tell you the truth? 
Time for a deep heart to heart and maybe even a lie detector test if she isn't forth coming.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You know it’s really tough to be in that sort of position. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. From the point of view of having seen countless stories on this forum I think you need to ask yourself if you can handle the truth. You will not like what you hear. There is a reason you decided to swallow it down in the past and that is definitely NEVER the path I would recommend. You will get screamed at about “why can’t you just let it die” and all kinds of other garbage as well. If you were too passive to face this back then are you ready to man up now ?? If she can back you into the corner to shut up yet again she will just lose respect for you knowing she can control you like that. I think it is up to you and how well you know yourself..... the answer is are you going to bury your head in the sand again..... or stare it in the eye ??

Only you know the answer.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

spadey said:


> So about 12 years ago, my wife started to get distant from me. We stopped having sex and she was very cold to me. She told me she needed to work on herself and we were close to separating but ended up staying together. She'd often stay out late with her coworkers on Fridays, not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning. Turns out she was getting close to a guy at her office. He was the one that would drive her home those nights, even though he lived in the opposite end of the city. I knew something was up since she didn't give me a lot of details about where she went and would get upset if I offered to come pick her up. I could see her always texting late at night and early morning, something she never did.
> 
> One night, she asked me to check something on her phone. She just happened to have it on the text message screen and I saw some of the messages. She kept saying she missed him and he said he loved her. I got upset of course and I asked her who this was (even though I knew). She started to cry and said nothing happened between them. She told me she loved me and said apologized over and over and said nothing happened. I believed her then, but in the back of my mind I had to assume that something did happened.
> 
> ...


What did she have to do at the time (and after) to prove remorse and show that she wanted to become a safe spouse?

Did she do a written time line?
Did she seek counseling and do the hard work to become a safe spouse?
Did the GNO's stop?
Did she sever ties (with you overseeing it) with the dude that was in "Love" with?
Did she change jobs and sever ties with the entire working group?
Did she stop all social media and give you full transparency (including passwords) to all electronic devices?
What interactions has she had with you about all this for the last twelve? Has she helped you with possible PTSD, what has she done to make amends?

I could go on, but I'll refrain. IF she hasn't done any of these (at a minimum,) besides blubber and apologize, then it is no wonder you are suffering. Classic rugsweeping.
I'd say that you need to sit down with her and have the conversation. I'd use the book linked below as a starting point.
If she is truly remorseful, she should realize that there is some real work to do.









How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

At this point I'd talk to a therapist. Seriously, probably runs deeper than you want to admit. I'm sure swallowing your pride and having a family with a known cheater has done some damage despite trying to rug sweep it. As mentioned above, bringing it up to her is only going to make you look insecure/weak and cause an argument. 

Could the trigger be something in her behavior that reminds you of that time?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

spadey said:


> So about 12 years ago, my wife started to get distant from me. We stopped having sex and she was very cold to me. She told me she needed to work on herself and we were close to separating but ended up staying together. She'd often stay out late with her coworkers on Fridays, not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning. Turns out she was getting close to a guy at her office. He was the one that would drive her home those nights, even though he lived in the opposite end of the city. I knew something was up since she didn't give me a lot of details about where she went and would get upset if I offered to come pick her up. I could see her always texting late at night and early morning, something she never did.
> 
> One night, she asked me to check something on her phone. She just happened to have it on the text message screen and I saw some of the messages. She kept saying she missed him and he said he loved her. I got upset of course and I asked her who this was (even though I knew). She started to cry and said nothing happened between them. She told me she loved me and said apologized over and over and said nothing happened. I believed her then, but in the back of my mind I had to assume that something did happened.
> 
> ...


You rugswept for 12 years, and now the rug is threadbare. 

She slept with that guy, many times. They had a physical and emotional affair. You have all the evidence you need from her behavior at that time and those text messages. You made the choice to ignore it and carry on as if it never happened, why are you having the change of heart now? Out of curiosity.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have rugsweep heartburn. You didn’t move on. Now it’s rearing it’s ugly head.
Right now you are trying to suck it up and be a martyr. Saying nothing is what put you here in the first place. Most cheaters lie a lot. Thats what you’ve gotten and you accepted it. You effectively put yourselves in limbo. It will be up to you to get yourself out of it.

Unless you force the issue and get the truth. You’ll stay where you are.
Sorry but there is no magic.

Do her and her lover still work together?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That’s the problem with rug sweeping and outright self deception that you allowed yourself to go through. You know darn well she had sex with that guy MANY times. She loved the guy. Only reason it didn’t go anywhere is because her ex boyfriend was most likely in a relationship.

Going through R does require that you really know and understand the depth of the betrayal that your forgiving. The same goes for your wife. She has a deep dark secret that will hinder her from being emotionally open with you. There’s no way that an affair that reached the deep emotional level that the text history showed and her still not carry a piece of that in her heart.

There is no statue of limitations on adultery. If it is a deal breaker or you need more details to get closure, you should not be fearful about discussing it . Asking her for a written timeline is highly recommended. Writing down the dirty details of how, when, where forces her to face her betrayal. It will no longer be her secret that only POS and her share. It will be what I did to the father of my kids.

If you have access to her old phones, you should do a deep dive before talking to her. Also write down the facts as you remember them and the questions you want to ask because it will get emotional and you don’t want to get flustered when she goes into the denial or tries to intimidate you into submission.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Umm. When were your children conceived?

Hope it wasn't while the affair was ongoing.


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## spadey (Dec 27, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You have rugsweep heartburn. You didn’t move on. Now it’s rearing it’s ugly head.
> Right now you are trying to suck it up and be a martyr. Saying nothing is what put you here in the first place. Most cheaters lie a lot. Thats what you’ve gotten and you accepted it. You effectively put yourselves in limbo. It will be up to you to get yourself out of it.
> 
> Unless you force the issue and get the truth. You’ll stay where you are.
> ...


No, she left the company shortly after


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## spadey (Dec 27, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> Umm. When were your children conceived?
> 
> Hope it wasn't while the affair was ongoing.


About 5 years after I saw the messages.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

spadey said:


> _*She started to cry and said nothing happened between them. She told me she loved me and said apologized over and over and said nothing happened.*_


She'd stopped having sex with you, she became downright cold toward you, you were on the brink of separation, she was constantly texting at odd hours on her phone, you FOUND texts where he's proclaiming his love to her, and she was spending tons of time out of the house *WITH* this guy.

And you _actually_ believe they never got physical?

I don't even know what to say to this.

But I will tell you this. The woman doesn't have an OUNCE of remorse for what she did. It's been 12 years of lying to your face about the extent of that affair - day after day after day after day and it is her plan to continue lying to your face up to the day you die. Truly remorseful spouses don't LIE 12 years running and right up to your death. They don't DO that.

When you eventually find out the truth, you'll realize that HER actions are the ones of a low-life, deceitful, lying, cheating, self-entitled POS. She's about as far from a remorseful spouse as you can get.

But I see you're a master at the art of self-delusion and I believe you'll manage to delude yourself right back into another 12 years of deluded marital "bliss" with a remorseless liar.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

As others have said you've rug swept and unfortunately these things come back to bite you when other life events or stresses (like living through a global pandemic) occur.

Therapists have been mentioned and I think you should go see one. Hopefully it will help you figure out what you need to heal from this. I suggest you not embark demanding full disclosure from your wife until you know that is definitely what you need.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest marital counselling. Plus consider having a polygraph session.

Simple questions only:-
1) Since your marriage to @spadey have you passionately kissed any other person?
2) Since your marriage to @spadey have you had any sexual contact short of intercourse with another person?
3) Since your marriage to @spadey have you had sexual intercourse with another person?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Those who trade what they value for peace, end loosing it without having such fictional peace.
It happened to a lot of us. Don´t.
Whatever you are going to decide about your relationship, do it founded in truth.. Go for it.
Best, best, best wishes.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Folks, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t have second thoughts. Let’s remember that none of us were experts when we came here. TAM is full of knowledge where we all learned something.

Many of us in his position would have done the same thing at a younger age. Considering he’s been married 12 years and started having children 7 years ago, I’m going to assume he was in his 20s when this happened. Easier to rugsweep when we are younger. Easier to be fully trusting when we are younger.

the good news is that OP has opened up his eyes and is now questioning his decision to believe his wife back then. Clearly, he doesn’t believe his wife now or he wouldn’t be here.


OP, like many others have stated here, the evidence you have is most likely a physical affair. The evidence already proves an emotional affair since they proclaimed their love for each other.

you have some tough conversations coming up. I gather you don’t want to have them, so you have a choice. Have the uncomfortable conversations where your wife will almost assuredly get defensive and attack back when you bring this up….. or let your brain drive you crazy for the rest of your life. If it were me, I’d prefer ripping off the bandaid.

expect a lot of gas-lighting and blame shifting. Especially since you are bringing up something so old. If she isn’t willing to do a poly, I personally would divorce immediately because she is desperate to hide something. Way too much evidence that shows she is hiding something. Lastly, I think MattMatt’s questions are PERFECT for your situation. Straight to the point. Simple. Effective. Those 3 would have the best chance of a poly getting the truth.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One other thing OP -- JUST because you reconciled orginally, it does NOT mean it's a done deal. Relationships (and life in general) are CONSTANTLY changing. NOTHING is guaranteed. The fact that this has come back to bite you in the ass shows that you truly never DID come to terms with it, nor did you spouse. Rugsweeping has a REALLY bad way of coming back in the future.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

I’m sorry, but this is what happens when you sweep everything under the rug. You ultimately trip over the huge item hiding under the rug and you now have to deal with it.

you have a choice of FINALLY facing her cheating, and yes, she cheated on you, and yes, it was physical, numerous times, or living with the pain you are dealing with, because now that the pile of *_* under rug is finally visible for all to see, there is no un-seeing it.

sit her down and tell her you NEED to know everything, and tell her that you will give her 24 hours to think of everything,and that everything will be backed up by a polygraph that you have already scheduled.

her reaction y to the word “polygraph”will probably tell you all you need to know.

good luck, stay strong, and do what you must for YOU!!!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Trust your spadey senses. More happened than what she admitted. Adults in "love" don't generally refrain from sex. Confront and demand a polygraph. Her reaction will speak volumes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's not you wife's cheating that is killing you its you passivity. That's no way to go through life. Until you find out you are still without agency because you are operating in your marriage and in your life without the ability to make informed choices. 

I would prepare myself though, because it's probably worse then she let on.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jsmart said:


> That’s the problem with rug sweeping and outright self deception that you allowed yourself to go through. You know darn well she had sex with that guy MANY times. She loved the guy. Only reason it didn’t go anywhere is because her ex boyfriend was most likely in a relationship.
> 
> Going through R does require that you really know and understand the depth of the betrayal that your forgiving. The same goes for your wife. She has a deep dark secret that will hinder her from being emotionally open with you. There’s no way that an affair that reached the deep emotional level that the text history showed and her still not carry a piece of that in her heart.
> 
> ...


exactly. And knowing what she potentially did, why did you have kids with her ? Locked you in.

You have to find the truth so you can gain closure


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

My ex-wife cheated three times, the last just over ten years before we divorced. I had no clue, but her actions had a drastic effect on our marriage that led to my decision to divorce. I only found out about her cheating once I started the divorce process because she was desperate to reconcile. This is a long unresolved issue that is affecting your marriage and if you don't get closure, who knows how this will work out down the road. Frankly, I'm so much happier in my new relationship having freed myself from the mental and physical cost of being with a cheater.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

spadey said:


> So about 12 years ago, my wife started to get distant from me. We stopped having sex and she was very cold to me. She told me she needed to work on herself and we were close to separating but ended up staying together. She'd often stay out late with her coworkers on Fridays, not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning. Turns out she was getting close to a guy at her office. He was the one that would drive her home those nights, even though he lived in the opposite end of the city. I knew something was up since she didn't give me a lot of details about where she went and would get upset if I offered to come pick her up. I could see her always texting late at night and early morning, something she never did.
> 
> One night, she asked me to check something on her phone. She just happened to have it on the text message screen and I saw some of the messages. She kept saying she missed him and he said he loved her. I got upset of course and I asked her who this was (even though I knew). She started to cry and said nothing happened between them. She told me she loved me and said apologized over and over and said nothing happened. I believed her then, but in the back of my mind I had to assume that something did happened.
> 
> ...


DNA the kids.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> I would suggest marital counselling


I would suggest divorce like he should've did years ago.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Cromer said:


> My ex-wife cheated three times, the last just over ten years before we divorced. I had no clue, but her actions had a drastic effect on our marriage that led to my decision to divorce. I only found out about her cheating once I started the divorce process because she was desperate to reconcile. This is a long unresolved issue that is affecting your marriage and if you don't get closure, who knows how this will work out down the road. Frankly, I'm so much happier in my new relationship having freed myself from the mental and physical cost of being with a cheater.


@spadey you should read @Cromers story for example of what a principled but compassionate man can do... but... there are major differences in your situation. Cromer sacrificed and lived in a sexless marriage until his kids were off to college, before divorcing wife... your kids are like elementary school age. Also, Cromer did not know about the cheating (which caused his exwife's disease that in turn caused the sexless marriage) until after he had already decided to divorce, whereas, you know about the cheating now, and are having to live with that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is no set time frame to demand your answers. You can pull that chit out from under the rug any time you want. I’m sure you feel like you are taking a beating here .... but it is a wake up call for your own good.

You can play this out quite a few different ways.... think before you act.


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## Chaparralredux (Apr 21, 2021)

Cutting the husband off during the affair is common cheater behavior. Ironically, she was being faithful to her coworker boyfriend. Cutting you off meant at the time she was in love with him. That’s why she also mistreated you then. Had she just been doing it for thrills and giggles she would have probably instigated a lot more sex with you. 
You m really curious though as to why you were okay with her going out every Friday to the bars without you? This was so predictable. What were you doing? Do you guys do anything together now?
You do need to DNA test your kids. If she had one affair she could have had more.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What was the ‘something’ that triggered you to now become distant and blame it on something from 12 years ago? Something specific? Someone else? A desire for a different life?

Or something specific she did? Sudden resentment?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I feel for you.

Rugsweeping does this everytime, 12 years is a couple standard deviations from the mean, but it was bound to happen.

Maybe you could couch it to her this way, somebody (your inner self) reached out to you about her old relationship with coworker X, and all the details came to light.

Ask her to tell you the full truth and tell her the biggest problem she will face will be if she is still lying to you in 2022.

When she denies physical relationship, tell her that doesn't match the information you have.

Do you have the old iphones from that time frame? Maybe you can still do a recovery. You might be super lucky and there may still be an icloud backup.

Was the co-worker married at the time? If so, might be time to discuss with his wife, she may already know everything.

ETA: her staying out late with him, I would say for certain that this was a physical affair


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

spadey said:


> About 5 years after I saw the messages.


This is why it is a automatic divorce if there are no kids yet. This is going to eat you alive until you get to the truth of the matter.


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