# Husband had an emotional affair, but its hurts like if it was physical.



## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

i am 23 years old and my husband is 33 years old we have a 2 1/2 year old son and we have been married for 3 years. k to the point...

mid. dec my husband seemed distant, i couldnt tell wether it was him or me, so i didnt think much of it. dec 18th my husbands and i anniversary. we had a great time. we spent time together and went out to have dinner. a day or two passed by and i got onto my computer and pulled up facebook, it was on his acccount. i normally log off his and log in back on mine. but my gut feeling was telling me to check out recent messages. (yes i know this is very wrong)

my gut feeling was right, 1st page, couple messages down the word honey in the title red flag! i clicked it and opened chat history. i was in shock its all my husband flriting with his ex girlfriend from a long time ago. it went on with him quoting love songs, and tellin her how he wakes up thinking of her and how she makes him feel 17 again. he even says how he hopes to dream of her when he goes to bed. then it goes on how he wants to know when she has days off and that hes giong into town and if she wants to get something to eat. thank god she didnt get that message in time! he keeps calling her babe and honey as if they are in a realtionship.

sadly as if i couldnt get any more bad news i looked at the the date dec. 18 th our anniversary. i was speechless aparently i wasnt the only girl on his mind that day.

i ended calling up his twin brother i figured if anyone know about this he would, sadly he know nothing of it. after that i woke my husband in tears and asked him to explain all he could say was she was just a friend. and then said friends dont talk to each other like that . i began to read some lines to him and he completley wigged out and tore the lap top out of my hands leaving scratches above my eye and on my right arm. it must of hit him that he got busted. 

we agruged most of the night. luckly we talked it out the next day and realized where and how this all started. luckly he never met up with her at all. i seemed to catch it just in time to save our marriage. ( he also claimed he has only been chatting with her a couple of days)

its been a few weeks now and he has completely turned himself around to improve himself to be a better husband and i am trying to improve myself to be a better wife. 

things with him seem to be fine but i am struggling so much, i cant help it when i keep hearing his phone go off and wondering wether its her or not or if they still chat online, or if he still thinks of her. i am so hurt. my last realtionship ended for similer reasons.( right before our 3rd year annirverary, isnt that wierd) and i never thought my husband would ever do anything like this to me.

the fact that its possible that they can continue if they really wanted to haunts me. it consumes my thoughts and dreams. i told him that this has been happening to me but hes just says "why do you do this to yourself?" i dont choose to do this at all. i want to move on and continue mending our marriage. theres a guard on my heart and i am trying to protect myself from being hurt once again. but my guard is also proventing me from trusting him. i really dont know what to do, Do i need professional help? or will this pain ease away? i really want my marriage to work for my husband, myself and my son. Anyone else been through anything similar? both men and women outlooks would be deeply apperiated.


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## Imbwj (Jun 20, 2010)

My guess is they will make the decision to continue their contact and just be more careful and hide things better, take if from a guy who has been there and done that! You caught him, and what would you expect him to say? You have come to some sort of agreement to where you feel he is going to break things off, maybe you will be luckier than my wife was and he actually will. But, don't be totally fooled either, his emotional connection didn't just go away because you have confronted him. His connection with her is still there no matter what he tells you and his desire to have an affair with his old flame is still there too. Watch him like a hawk and when you catch him again lay down the ultimatum, tell him to either break it off completely and end contact with her, or plan on a divorce, and make sure he knows you are serious. Keep in mind that he is only half the equation here, she isn't likely to give up either. Good luck to you!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Couple of things that I noticed here;
1. You should be able to look at each others facebook, email, and phone records (as well as all text messages).
2. If he wants to stop and mend things with you, he will be contrite and ashamed and seriously discuss it.

What you need to do;
Ask him anything and everything about the affair that you wish to know. If he refuses to answer, he's hiding something else.
Tell him that he is not allowed to delete any text messages from his phone and compare them with the online account.
Put a key logger on your computer.
Keep tabs on his whereabouts 24/7.
Look at everything.
If he tries to continue the affair from work, he will mess up. Be diligent, be a pest and tell him that when he regains your trust, he can have his freedom back.

Also keep in mind that he did this for a reason. Something is wrong at home or he wouldn't have been talking to an old girlfriend. You need to find out what is missing in your marriage. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You still have those scars? If so, threaten to go to the police and have him dragged out of the house in handcuffs. That should get him to sing like a canary.
But seriously, even if the A was "just" emotional, in some ways, I feel that they are much more damaging than physical. NOT TO CONDONE ANYTHING- but a PA could be just a drunk mistake and a 1 time thing, but an EA has to have taken time to grow, just like love. And that is a warning sign of serious cracks in the foundation.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I agree with what sounds like mostly the guys: you need to watch it and there is a problem. Don't automatically think the problem is you, though. I think many of us are in the same boat: we've grown up watching marriages all around us, but many of us don't have the communication skills or problem solving skills when things hit a bump. Heck, I don't think a lot of people can even identify "what" the problem is. I always think it's weird when people pursue somebody from the past/high school. It sounds like unfinished business or the inability to realize they'd just be in the same boat, different person if they'd gotten with them instead back when. 

I agree too, about the emotional connection still being there, especially since this is someone he's thought about/known a long time. Whatever the real problem, 'til it's taken care of, he's going to deal with it in probably inappropriate ways. I can't make too many suggestions, 'cause my marriage is a shambles, but my husband progressed from EA to PA. Even when it was just EA, I had a hard time because I know the things that go through the mind. Do your best to keep your head on straight. If there is another physical altercation, it will be one of the hardest things you might ever have to do, but call the police. You will NEED documentation to protect your interests and your child's. Maybe a good couple's counselor to help identify what the problem is. If this was happening on your anniversary, it seems he isn't seeing you as "the fantasy" at the moment. But I do know that in a good relationship, you can fall in love over and over again with the same person...best wishes to you!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Since you busted him, i'd be very suspicious of both his sincerity and/or his follow thru over any period of time.

If he'd came clean on his own with say, guilt n remorse then u'd be justified in being HOPEFULL.

As it stands now, i'd say hope is alittle premature. most gals 
i know wouldnt take the emotional abuse and rejection he's 
continually dealt you.

Some folks freak out just 'cuz a man or woman copped an 
easy lay, but learned they have a conscience or the H>S>
convicting them, and admit their idealistic mate.

Dont get me wrong, its trouble that has to be dealt with
especially if when its a woman adulterer, as women tend to 
bond first, cop later, in general. But a one timer is easier to
overcome than a man/woman ROMANCING another person 
and slyly hiding it all too well from you, or worse yet, start
dissin you and making yer life a living hell. (minus some psych
diagnosis that is).

if you are that committed to him (or desparate some would say)
then u'll have to squelch yer better jdgment.

shalom.......


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## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

OMG THIS IS GETTING WORSE FOR ME. THE STORY ABOVE I WROTE TOOK PLACE BETWEEN DEC 18TH TO ABOUT DEC, 20TH AND NOW I JUST FOUND A MESSAGE FROM THE 27TH OF DECEMBER A WEEK LATER! K WENT SOMEWHAT LIKE THIS

HUSBAND: WHATS UP YOU LIL HOTTIE

gIRL: OH NOTHING MUCH WENT SHOPPING AND GOT A NEW YEARS DRESS

HUSBAND: OH YOUR GONNA HAVE TO SEND ME A PIC OF YOU MODELING IT

K THE MESSAGE ENDED THERE, IT WASNT NEARLY AS BAD AS WHAT HE WAS WRITING THE FIRST GIRL BUT DANG WILL HE EVER STOP? IS MY MARRIGE DOOMED? HE DOSNT SEEM TO WANT TO TALK TO ME NOW. I HAVE TIRED EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO FIGURE OUT WHATS MISSING IN MY MARRIAGE. I HAVE EVEN ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED. I DID EVERYTHING HE MENTIONED I CHANGED THINGS TO WHAT I THOUGHT PLEASED HIM. BUT HE STILL CONTINUES...??? I DONT THINK HES LOOKING FOR SEX CAUSE I ALWAYS AM UP FOR IT AND NEVER REJECT HIM IF ANYTHING I GET REJECTED. COMMICATION HE DONST SEEM TO WANT. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO HE SAYS I PUSH HIM AWAY. AM I TOO EAGER TO FIX MY MARRIAGE? ALL IWANT IS SOMEONE THAT WNTS TO SPEND TIME WITH ME AND LETS ME KNOW WHEN SOMETHING IS BUGGING HIM., OR EVEN SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS ME. 

HE LOOKS ME IN THE EYES WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN HIS FACE TELLING ME HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO FIX THINGS, ITS HARD NOT TO BELIVE HIM. HE SAYS I AM OVER REACTING AM I????


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Yes, you're in my views! I'd really advice you stop questioning, pressuring and pushing on him to give you a reasonable answer.
You need to know that an emotional affair contains lots of complicated emotional issues.
They don't have reasonable answers.
Don't ask him to explain why he missed that person, still thinking about that person often.
He can't explain his emotion why, how, what... Because emotion itself doesn't have a certain answer. It simply reflexes that there are some problems in your marriage, probably your constant pushing, asking why this why that, is one of many things that bug him.
Trust, patient,listening, and understanding are the only ways that bring his heart and love closer to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I know this is hard for you, but if he is calling somebody "lil hottie", he is not "trying" to fix anything. It's not unusual for a relationship to change after the birth of a child: responsibilities as a parent cut down on opportunities/time for some the romance and fun of the early relationship. You are probably preoccupied at times where you weren't before. Some of your priorities change. I think I read somewhere that sometimes men are jealous of the time and attention they lose once a child/ren is born. Not to say all men or that it's always conscious or that it's a negative type jealousy...they miss something that just doesn't exist anymore and won't til the children are grown. 
He needs to be accountable for his behavior. If he doesn't want to communicate, have sex or stop what he's doing, you may need to show him the door and let him live out his adolescent fantasy. Without hurting you or your child. Would you have agreed to this if he had said this is how it will be when he proposed? Of course not. Right now, you don't have a marriage-he has violated the boundaries of that. There is a 3rd party who does not belong and HE is the only one who can get rid of that problem. You are still young...you don't want to be twenty years further down the road, "pretending" to be married. I know that there are good ways to handle the situation; I've seen some of the posts mentioning a "plan a" or "plan b". I'd look into that; I'd try to find myself a supportive person or people who have nothing to do with my husband . You don't have to take every or any suggestion, but the more information you have, the more choices you have. Some of the best suggestions might seems the hardest to take, but that is something you'll also deal with as a parent. It's natural (maybe) to want to smooth someone's path or take away their pain, but there are certain things that a person MUST do for themself or they remain immature and stunted...having a fling or affair, physical or not, is not a mature or healthy way of dealing with relationship (or personal) problems. Keep posting and read some of the other posts: when you see how much pain some of the others have gone through but they've made it to the other side...I think it's something you can look as from this standpoint as well: when I gave birth to our first child, it seemed she'd never be born. Even having attended the classes, I didn't know how to use my muscles during contractions. But when I gave birth to our second, I was determined I wasn't going to go through a similar experience and my body knew what to do. So as scary and painful as it might seem, get some good information and support and YOU WILL get through this...other problems you deal with after will be a bit easier, because you will be growing through it all. And like coaches, we can't do it for you, but want you to succeed and hope the best for your family.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

One thing, I hadn't really shared its details is, in the past. I'd dealt with my husband's EA more than 5 times...
My experience told me pressuring, questioning, demanding, telling him what to do... wouldn't work but to temporarily stop the misbehaviors. Yes he did give me all his emails, passwords, whatsoever, but he could always get new ones.
When his last EA was discovered, I was sad but calm. I made him understand I don't want anything from him but faithful love. If he doesn't love me anymore, I can leave. I didn't fight with him nor question this or that. I did cry but was totally soft and gentle. I confront him with love & respect. (Used to yell, cry like hell when I found out his EA.) 
It took me many years to figure out a way to get rid of husband's EA addiction. 
Just want to share my experiences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

today i got some info from my husbands twin brother. he thinks my husband is having a sorta mid life crisis. its finally hitting him that hes not young anymore and is looking for something to make him feel young again. he thinks this cause they both tend to go through the same thing round the same time. (my husbands bro just went through this just about a year ago) its some weird twin thing, lol. but he also mentioned that my husband will most likly blame everything on me ... and it was so true. he does blame everything on me. but i have stopped pushing him to give me anwsers. i realized tht i was making things worse i can tell hes hurt about as much as i am, he sits in his garage and stares out into space and dosnt sleep or eat. ive realized that he dosnt understand whats going on and is very confused, i am hoping that i didnt ruin my marriage from pushing too hard to save it. i told him ill love him and suport him no mater what. i hope i am doing the right thing.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Mrs.hopefull said:


> today i got some info from my husbands twin brother. he thinks my husband is having a sorta mid life crisis. its finally hitting him that hes not young anymore and is looking for something to make him feel young again. he thinks this cause they both tend to go through the same thing round the same time. (my husbands bro just went through this just about a year ago) its some weird twin thing, lol. but he also mentioned that my husband will most likly blame everything on me ... and it was so true. he does blame everything on me. but i have stopped pushing him to give me anwsers. i realized tht i was making things worse i can tell hes hurt about as much as i am, he sits in his garage and stares out into space and dosnt sleep or eat. ive realized that he dosnt understand whats going on and is very confused, i am hoping that i didnt ruin my marriage from pushing too hard to save it. i told him ill love him and suport him no mater what. i hope i am doing the right thing.


Will he go to counseling? My H went through something similar, he was about to turn 30, I had started my career, and we had a 3 year old that consumed my time. It was a mid life crisis, he was looking for something "new" and some attention and a homewrecking coworker provided that. He started to become distant and was going on motorcycle rides with the "guys". Then one day I just said, "What's the deal with you" and he comes out saying things have changed and he doesn't know if they'll ever be the same. I was crushed and he cried with me but wasn't hopeful. Next morning he goes on another bike ride and I get suspicious and get into facebook. Very inappropriate messages with this girl, who was one of his motorcycle riding partners. Flirtatious, sexual, messages, on both of their parts. I confronted him and told him this was an EA which he said they're just friends. He said he was going to the store to get a drink and call his mom, but his phone records showed he called her, in addition to the tons of texts and phone calls with her. He wouldn't cut off contact. It was a mess. But he said they were just friends. He finally did call her in front of me and delete her out of the phone and we went to counseling, but they really helped him. 

I felt resentment because I was just told that I had to keep telling myself to get over it. I wish it were that easy. It's 4 years later and it's a ghost that'll haunt you. He tells me that if he wanted to have sex with her or anyone else he would have. But it was nothing, they were never alone, and it wasn't physical. I had to explain to him that he was fulfilling a need elsewhere that I wasn't meeting. We've done well since, but at 10 years of marriage we're working through a rut. No EA this time, but he was chatting with a high school girlfriend on facebook and it made me uncomfortable. He got mad when he saw that I'd logged into his account. Stupid little things, but she's crossed boundaries. Found them talking on the phone at like 2am after Thanksgiving and I was pissed and he says it's nothing, she lives 2000 miles away and is married. It's so hard to trust. But if you've forgiven, you have to move forward. But he's in limbo. Counseling is my suggestion for you. And the real test of an EA is to ask him if he's comfortable talking to her on the phone with you present.


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## Ticky (Dec 29, 2010)

I really feel for you, my husband has had these type of behaviors on and off throughout most of our 10 yr relationship and to the point where i no longer want any intimacy anymore. Of course this has pushed him further away now and he is worse.. We are now contemplating a D as there is no trust nor is there any shown affection towards him. I have always known that he will continue with this type of behavior and that has pushed my feelings away even more so. He wasnt this way at first though. i too was calm as MsLonely but this has had no effect on his behavior. I wished i could give you some good advice but i am completely stuck!


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## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Will he go to counseling? My H went through something similar, he was about to turn 30, I had started my career, and we had a 3 year old that consumed my time. It was a mid life crisis, he was looking for something "new" and some attention and a homewrecking coworker provided that. He started to become distant and was going on motorcycle rides with the "guys". Then one day I just said, "What's the deal with you" and he comes out saying things have changed and he doesn't know if they'll ever be the same. I was crushed and he cried with me but wasn't hopeful. Next morning he goes on another bike ride and I get suspicious and get into facebook. Very inappropriate messages with this girl, who was one of his motorcycle riding partners. Flirtatious, sexual, messages, on both of their parts. I confronted him and told him this was an EA which he said they're just friends. He said he was going to the store to get a drink and call his mom, but his phone records showed he called her, in addition to the tons of texts and phone calls with her. He wouldn't cut off contact. It was a mess. But he said they were just friends. He finally did call her in front of me and delete her out of the phone and we went to counseling, but they really helped him.
> 
> I felt resentment because I was just told that I had to keep telling myself to get over it. I wish it were that easy. It's 4 years later and it's a ghost that'll haunt you. He tells me that if he wanted to have sex with her or anyone else he would have. But it was nothing, they were never alone, and it wasn't physical. I had to explain to him that he was fulfilling a need elsewhere that I wasn't meeting. We've done well since, but at 10 years of marriage we're working through a rut. No EA this time, but he was chatting with a high school girlfriend on facebook and it made me uncomfortable. He got mad when he saw that I'd logged into his account. Stupid little things, but she's crossed boundaries. Found them talking on the phone at like 2am after Thanksgiving and I was pissed and he says it's nothing, she lives 2000 miles away and is married. It's so hard to trust. But if you've forgiven, you have to move forward. But he's in limbo. Counseling is my suggestion for you. And the real test of an EA is to ask him if he's comfortable talking to her on the phone with you present.


your husband has gone much farther than mine, i think i caught him in the early stages. he hasnt been trying to find excuses to leave or anything like that. so far since i have confronted him he has totally changed, he goes on facebook and texts and checks his phone in front of me now. i am very happy he is doing this, i think its his way of saying hey i am not doing anything anymore. thing is i really do its a midlife crisis so i know it is now over, these things take time. but i am trying my hardest to do new sponantous things with him to make him feel like a man secure and happy. but i am having troubles coming up with more ideas do you or anyone else have some ideas they can share? what was the most helpful thing you learned in consuling that you can do for him while he goes through this? (if you dont mind me asking?)


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## shadz (Aug 18, 2010)

hey 

emotional or physical it's the same .... IT'S CHEATING AFTER ALL. 

you r better than that . 
be strong and think about yourself ... yes you need to learn to be selfish now .


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Emotional affair is not really cheating. It's more close to seeking validations from other opposite sex,that the spouse fails to give.
Sex was not the main target for emotional affair. It's a much more complicated emotional issue that reflex a long term problem to be communicated and resolved in the marriage.
It's much easier to have a PA than an EA. Sex is much easier to get. Save all the energy to be spent emotionally.
My husband had constant EA crisis, then he stopped. Then I had an EA for 3 year, I thought I was in love with the OM.
It's actually not love but imagination and self-validations that made me believe the OM is the best man to dream of.
Hard to explain but it can be solved. 
You have to give your husband the love he needs, the sex he fantasizes and make him a very happy husband.
You're husband and wife, there's nothing shameful that he couldn't tell you.


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## shadz (Aug 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Emotional affair is not really cheating. It's more close to seeking validations from other opposite sex,that the spouse fails to give.
> Sex was not the main target for emotional affair. It's a much more complicated emotional issue that reflex a long term problem to be communicated and resolved in the marriage.
> It's much easier to have a PA than an EA. Sex is much easier to get. Save all the energy to be spent emotionally.
> My husband had constant EA crisis, then he stopped. Then I had an EA for 3 year, I thought I was in love with the OM.
> ...


i have to disagree with you when it came with emotional affair is not cheating !!! excuse me , the only one who suppose to give your emotions to is your husbend and vis versus. 
cheating is not just accure if someone had complete sex with another , some times emotional affairs hurt more . 

remember when someone marry another he/she suppose to give everything just for this person . don't try to justify what have done !!! 

i agree with the rest.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

shadz said:


> i have to disagree with you when it came with emotional affair is not cheating !!! excuse me , the only one who suppose to give your emotions to is your husbend and vis versus.
> cheating is not just accure if someone had complete sex with another , some times emotional affairs hurt more .
> 
> remember when someone marry another he/she suppose to give everything just for this person . don't try to justify what have done !!!
> ...


Yes you're right but pls understand that faithful marriage won't just fall from the skies from the very first day of your wedding. The prince & the princess won't live in a happy life ever since.


It requires lots of effective communication and work. 

To expect marriage itself is faithful & beautiful is a dream like fairy tale.

Marriage is not about locking a person in a jail and demanding that person to follow the rule of the games, to follow the vows of whatever ethic standards. Even professional players can be issued yellow cards. (pretty often)

It's not gonna work by judging, blaming and belittling the cheating spouse, telling what to do as if he/she's a dumb idiot. "Hey, you should feel shamed! Why did you cheat? You should do this! You shouldn't do that! How dare you hurt me like this?"

Maybe it makes you feel better but when communication & understanding are dead in the marriage, the EA will always come back.


It's a better idea if we can get to understand why your spouse cheats and investigate the problems in the marriage, and figure out how to solve them in a way that is acceptable to both the cheating spouse & the cheated.

Affairs are the results of every unhappy marriage. By the time you feel hurt after discovering the result,the damage and problem have been there in your marriage for a long time already. 

Very simple example; we all know dogs are very faithful. 
You refuse to feed the dog and how could you expect the dog not to search for food from other ppl? When the dog goes to find food from others, you call it, "Cheater! Bad doggie!"

Affairs = there's a need that the spouse fail to meet.

It won't make you feel good but it make sense.

Sex & love are the food of marriage. If you refuse to feed your spouse regularly, you can't expect he never gets hungry.

Not to justify cheating, but it's just a fact.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Months ago, I had an EA for 3 years, struggling a sexless marriage.
I won't justify my cheating but I was totally in a fog, I had no idea what to do until I discovered this forum. My sexual life was miserable at that moment and had been miserable for many years.

Ppl have helped me a lot by giving me advice, insights and judgements as well.

However, I was very inspired by some ppl here and from them I found my courage and ways to resolve my marriage issue.

I worked hard to fall back in love with my husband and got rid of the OM. 

How hard it was when it's about ending an EA, the whole process and strugglings were all written here on my threads. 

My marriage is now couldn't be better. Sexual life is hot, sweet and great. The OM has gone because I no more need his validations. My husband gives me lots of love & validations.


I'm still reading and giving ppl comments because I should return the favors that I have received here.

Everybody has different issues in marriage. In the end, they need to figure out the best way that works for their marriage. 

My views of emotional affairs won't be correct.

Because when emotion is involved, I believe there's no correct answer for every question about emotion.

Emotional is a state of seeking validations. It's wrong but because people don't want to cheat physically, they go for emotional affairs. When they understand there's no hope in marriage, the emotional affair will become physical. That's probably the moment they are ready to end their marriage.


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## Michael1009 (Apr 11, 2012)

your lucky. My wife will not admit she is even doing anything wrong because sex isnt involved.
She said one day a month with her friend is worth more than a 23 year marriage and always puts our life second to her friendship.
She just said last night that if I ask her choose, she will choose the friend.
Yes she still says its not wrong.

Forgive him, love him, be glad he is sorry.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Michael1009 said:


> your lucky. My wife will not admit she is even doing anything wrong because sex isnt involved.
> She said one day a month with her friend is worth more than a 23 year marriage and always puts our life second to her friendship.
> She just said last night that if I ask her choose, she will choose the friend.
> Yes she still says its not wrong.
> ...


Then she loves him more than you and your marriage. Let him take care of her then. You deserve better and not be someone's second choice. Time for you to kick her to the curb.


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