# Health Issues/Chronic Pain and Marriage



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

While it's obvious from my previous posts, my marriage has LOTS of issues.... in MC the other night my husband kept saying that from his perspective, everything went downhill three years ago, when I began having health issues. 

I literally went to bed one day fine, woke up the next with a horrid spasm in my neck, causing so much pain I went to the ER. That was the beginning of a 14-month chasing-a-diagnosis journey that finally led to my being diagnosed with a rare acquired neurological condition.

Throughout the whole process, my husband has been very hands-off and distant. He has never gone to the doctors with me, despite my asking him to -- and there have been dozens; he has never once read online about the condition and the accompanying issues; he has never asked me how I've felt about the fact that some aspects of my life were turned upside down in an instant. He has just never been there for me through any of this. It did cause a lot of resentment on my part, because I have had no emotional support through any of this. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he tells me "he doesn't know anything about it, can't fix it, and we don't need to talk about it." 

I obviously can't undo the fact that I have a health issue, nor can it be fixed or cured. He says he "didn't sign up for this, and is sick of dealing with it." I do NOT use my condition as a crutch: I still work at least 50 hours a week running my own business, maintain my responsibilities around the house, homeschool two children, et cetera. My pain meds ensure that I am comfortable, so I don't have issues of fluctuating pain that disrupt our lives, except on occasions where I have breakthrough pain, which are often short-lived -- until the B/T meds kick in and do their job. I am down to a doctor's visit bimonthly, and that's it, so it's not something that requires ongoing testing or a huge financial investment at this point, nor is it "in our face" all the time. 

Has anyone else gone through something similar, having to deal with a sudden, but chronic, health condition in themselves or their spouse? If so, how did you, as a couple, cope and get through it? Has it negatively affected your marriage? I'm not sure how -- or if -- we get past this. The "problem" as he calls it, is not going anywhere. It's unlikely that I'm going to spontaneously get better. I'm worried that if I can't count on him to support me now, how can I expect to count on him if, God forbid, I get cancer or something, when I will need someone I can count on to help me?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I Understand what yoru going through! My hubby has a chronic illness and has had it for 6 years. I put him on dialysis I watch his food intake, his meds, go to the doctors when I can. I also work full time so it is like having two full time jobs. I just now got to the point where I need help because I realize that I can't do it all by myself. 

There are times that I'm so tired and frustrated (Not at him) but the illness I want him to get better but it also takes a huge toll on me and he is very understanding. I try my best to not take it out on him (It's not his fault) besides if something like this happened to me I eould want the same compassion. I have my good days, my bad days, my ok days, and my I just want to throw in the towel days. And not beinh intimate doesn't help either. But you keep going through the motions roll up your sleeves and try to make the best of it. 

There are times where I felt so alone in taking care of my husband, where I forgot to take care of myself. And reading your thread it sounds like your husband is not being supportive, it is hard enough to go through a chronic illness as it is not alone know that you dont have support fromt he person that should be there for you the most. I mean I would understand if he helped you and he got burned out, it happens. But to be checked out and not try at all is very discouring thing to hear. All I can say is as hard as it is you may need to seperate yourself from him, because he sounds like he resents your illness. And you don't need that. I wish you all the best. 

-Kris


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so very sorry you do not have the support of your husband. I could not imagine moving on with my life without mine. I feel absolutely awful for you.

I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. I herniated 3 discs, which one was on my spinal cord for 6 months. I had lost muscle weakness in my right arm, which they ignored. I finally had surgery, but due to my young age at the time, the surgeon fixed one of the three herniated discs. This is truly a life changing event. I use to run 36 miles a week, now I'm disabled and spend most my day resting. I was not able to get disability due to being out of work too long(SAHM). My husband and two youngest children are the only ones who support me. My parents are rude and tell me that I'm lazy, an addict, or faking my issues. They are very toxic and I refuse to talk to them about it.

I'm homebound due to the pain. I can walk, but not far, so I have handicap parking privileges. My husband has stepped up and has helped me immensely. He does 100% of the shopping. He helps with the kids when he returns home from work. I see a wonderful pain clinic. It took me a while and 14 spine injections, PT twice, acupuncture, and trigger point injections before I found good care. I will have the two discs replaced or fused in the future. It's just a matter of time. It's not a guarantee that the pain will ever go away. It took me about 2 years or so to accept the pain. I can bike on my stationary bike, which helps me walk a little better.

You can always PM me if you need to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The real question is what was your marriage like before the health issues. 
I doubt if it was very good.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Maybe he's scared!!! really scared, fight or flee and he's fleeing, afraid for you and himself and dosent know how to deal with it...

Maybe you can sit him down, and explain what you need from him and also tell him, if it was he that was ill, what you would be doing for him and ask what would he expect from you?


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

@accept, I agree, the marriage wasn't good prior to the marriage, but I will agree with him in this regard that it has gotten worse since my health has declined....although I would bet we would both say for very different reasons! 

@strugglinghusband, I absolutely thought this myself, that maybe he was just paralyzed with fear, not knowing what to do -- at first anyway. There were periods that first year where the pain was so bad that I was just in tears, and there were times where I was contemplating suicide because I couldn't get relief from the pain. But even after that, as things have improved and I've found a doctor who actually knows about my condition and isn't afraid to use narcotics to keep me comfortable, he has been hands-off. There have been times where I've had med reactions -- probably the one that comes to mind was last summer when I was on the Fentanyl patch -- a really, really powerful medicine that has a tendency to "dump" all of the medicine at once if you sweat or get too hot. Anyway, that happened, and essentially I was overdosing. He was taking a nap and wouldn't get up to take me to the hospital. I ended up driving myself, and he showed up about an hour later. Just things like that....no support. As for what he would expect from me? If what he expects when he has had the flu is any indication, it's full-on nursing care as if he's dying....but of course he doesn't see it that way. 

@I'minlovewithmyhubby --I have seen your story on here and am so sorry that you are going through something similar. It's miserable, isn't it? Between the injections, the meds, the physical therapy, the misery, the people who don't get it...and then the days where you remember all that you used to be able to do with ease that is so damn difficult now...it's enough to drive you crazy sometimes. I'm sorry that you weren't able to get disability! My doctor keeps pushing me to quit working because he says I'm doing more and more damage by pushing it, but I don't want to hear my family call me lazy -- everyone in my family works 60-80 hour weeks and it's just expected -- I don't trust my husband to pick up the slack to support us, and honestly, I'm loathe to let it go because my business is "mine," and I'm a solo operation. I'm only 35, so I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet, I guess, and admit that I can't do it anymore. We are getting ready to try Botox to paralyze my neck and shoulders, so hopefully that helps. Like the doc says, though, the only thing it will do is make it so I can't feel it; it can't stop me from doing more damage. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, though, as you go through your journey with your condition. 

@krismimo -- I saved you for last, because you are doing such an awesome thing, and I have been in your shoes, albeit in a different scenario and I can really relate to what you wrote above and it brought back so many memories for me. I provided full-time care for my grandmother the last two years of her life as she suffered from a stroke, congestive heart failure, diabetes and dementia. I know exactly what you mean about YOU being tired and burnt out and exhausted, and how from that side of things it is so frustrating to bear the burden. God, I remember those days, how pissed off I used to get that she had five kids, none of whom would show up for weeks on end, and I was so angry that I was "stuck" changing her diapers, et cetera. Having said that, I wouldn't change it for the world, though. I was there with her when she took her last breath, and am forever blessed at how close we got in those two years; how much I learned about myself because of her. I suppose I could understand my husband's POV if he were having to do half of that for me, but he isn't, and so I get ticked off, I guess. I think there's an expectation with the whole "in sickness and in health" thing that you are going to be able to count on your spouse when the time comes. Mine has let me down, but you are doing an amazing job at coming through for your husband. I'm glad you realize that you need some help, because it really is too much for one person to handle. Make sure you take care of yourself and get enough sleep and take time to be kind to yourself, whether it's lunch out with a friend or a nice hot bath with a candle and a book. You deserve it!!!


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