# When are "jokes" actually abuse?



## Mom2TALK (Feb 19, 2008)

Before I get into the nitty-gritty, here's a little background info.

I've been married for almost 8 years. We met August 21, 2000 and were married September 18, 2000. Yes, I know. Very fast. I married him because I needed to be rescued and he just happened to have a white horse...

Well, time has a way of making even the most opposite person grow on you, and I can honestly say I love him. Together, we have a total of five children, with a few being from former marriages. This is his 3rd marriage and my 2nd.

Now to the crux of the situation: he's been asking for a threesome lately and making a LOT of jokes about his desire for anal sex, which is NOT going to happen. I've tried to bear the repetitive requests with grace, but to be honest, it aggravates me. He says it's because he feels our relationship is strong enough to handle bringing a "toy" into the bedroom. (That's what he calls the other man/woman who would be "joining" us if I let him arrange this... which I won't.)

So, today he makes his usual joke about anal, and I made some remark about how it isn't going to happen. He then says something to the effect of "there are other fish in the sea." I'm of the mind now that if he REALLY wants to be with another woman or man for that matter, he can go ahead and do it... I'll just pack me and the kids up, and we'll go somewhere less depraved. I really would like to resolve things, though. He doesn't show affection anymore... All of our intimacy seems to be what I would call "porn sex," for lack of a better term.

I guess the first step is to figure out what I really can't live with... But I honestly don't know where to begin. I'm so frustrated and depressed that I can barely hold my head up anymore!


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

First off, he should respect your decision. That request is not a "usual" one, and it shouldn't be carried around lightly. To me it doesn't sound like a joke anymore. I would ask him WHY he wants to really do this? Tell him WHY you don't want to. And then let him know that if he really thinks there are "other fish in the sea" then I'd tell him to go for a swim then...you won't be on the beach when he surfaces...


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## Mom2TALK (Feb 19, 2008)

I honestly think he's going through a mid-life crisis... This isn't the only bizarre behavior he's putting out there. He's started cussing. I know - whoop-ti-do, right? But in our whole relationship, I've NEVER known him to do that. I'm not exaggerating. He's got the cleanest language of any man I've ever known! Or at least, he used to...

The other day, when he made his "fish in the sea" comment, I said something along the lines of "You know, you say that an awful lot..." He got ticked off at me and yelled that he should just f*** the s*** out of some girl if he's going to be accused of doing it anyway. I was hurt, and I'm still confused, obviously. I don't know what's causing this abrupt swing of behavior.

Well, I have an idea... We work together as real estate agents, and he left his corporate job as a general manager to do this. He always said that he wanted to work for himself, and at the time he made this choice, it looked like some higher-ups who weren't too fond of him were setting him up to be fired. (Let me tell you, my husband is the hardest working man I know, and he is/was the best general manager in the whole company. The folks who had it in for him were less-than-ambitious guys who had way too much time on their hands and not enough sense...) Anyway, he took the initiative and got out before they sent him packing.

Now he's telling me that it's my fault somehow. That I forced his hand... I just wish I knew why he's jumping off the deep end!!! It's making me crazy that I cannot know from one day to the next what he's gonna be like!!!


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

a mid-life crisis could be it. I would let him know how you honestly feel, and tell him that you love him, and just talk to him. If he continues to bash you, then its not worth it to me. Of course I've not been through a midlife crisis yet, so I don't know if you can "CONTROL" your actions...if you can then there's no reason to be pissy with you.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I think the requests are very usual. What man doesn't want to be with two women at the same time?? Some men would love to watch their wife with another man. And what man doesn't want to try a**l just once?? Every marriage I know of has had these requests come up. 

I also think he's very trusting to ask you for these things before, or at least hopefully before he goes out and seeks it elsewhere. He feels secure enough with his relationship with you to share his fantasies. If this is his thrid marriage, it seems to me that he gets bored and wants to try something different. Sometimes giving a man that threesome is enough to keep him by your side... he's sampled something else and is more appreciative of you for letting him do it. Other times it's enough to make him think that you gave him permission, so he's going to do it with or without you. I think we as a society are foolish to think our significant other is never going to think of being with someone else. 

I think the way he's going about asking for it is quite crude though. Enough to call is abuse?? Certainly not. He's frustrated that you won't even listen to his request. 

I'm confused as to what you're asking, as well... in the same sentence and paragraph, you tell of his desire for a**l as well as a threesome... which one is he looking for from whom?? Does he want a**l from you, or another partner, and does he want to give or recieve?? 

Maybe if you just indulge his fantasy by listening to him, or talking to him about it through sex, that will be enough. Marriage is all about finding common ground and compromise. Sounds like both of you are going to need to bend a little bit with this matter. Every marriage and relationship is different, so you'll have to do a LOT of talking to work it out and get comfortable with your decisions.


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I have to disagree....marriage is about compromise in SOME things. Talking about taking sex outside of the marriage is different! If she isn't intrested in it, and only wants her husband for herself, to me that's not selfish. Yeah, listen to him, find out what he wants and why, and then just calmly tell him why you do not want it. 

Again, I state...Marriage is becoming a Game...people are playing, and not taking VOWS seriously!


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Coupled with his other behaviour, it sounds like a mid life crisis to me. 

If this was my partner, I'd be tempted to go & buy the largest dildo I could find & produce it next time. Presumably, if he's so desperate for anal sex he'd be happy to be on the receiving end?


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

This is not an answer to your question but more of an observation. Why is it such a trill for men to have threesomes. I don't get it. If you wanted to have threesomes why did you get married. I suggest that you stick to your prinicples. If you feel uncomfortable with his suggestions you have to tell him. Marriage is about compromise, but I do not agree on compromising your marriage. Did you ever think that bringing in another women could reck your marriage. That maybe he may be interested in the other women or just the idea of incorporating it all the time. What will that do to your self esteem? When you see your husband fondling and haveing sex with someone else. I understand you want to work this out and you guys do need to communicate. Make him understand the logistics about what his asking for. There are diseases out there, chance of pregnancy and breaking the stability of your marrige. If he wants toys and your comfortable with that fine but any one else in your marriage is a no no.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Is his talk abusive? No, he is communicating his desires rather poorly but not abusively.

Next time you tell he try to tell him in a different way.

H: "Want a threesome/anal?"
Y: "You know the answer."
H: "What do you mean"
Y: "I keep telling you but you do not hear what I am saying"
H: "SO?"
Y: "No matter how many times you ask the answer will always be no."
H: "Well maybe I should find someone else."
Y: "Maybe we'll need a divorce."

draconis


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

LOVE GREEN-MOO's post!!!!!!!!!!


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

If you cannot live with this change in your relationship you need to put your foot down. What anyone else t thinks doesn't matter. It is your life that he is messing with.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

My question is: did all this talk about anal and 3-somes start after his business had trouble? If after, I would wonder if his "requests" for anal might be a kind of revenge fantasy? When someone talks about being "screwed" by someone, this is exactly what is meant. This sounds to me like rage; and perhaps rage exacerbated by a mid-life crisis.


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## Goodkatt (Feb 18, 2008)

This may be a fantasy or a perversion, but it is not a joke. A joke is neither funny nor appropriate when someone feels hurt or disrespected.

A woman that I work with told me about her sister who had a “swinger” relationship with another couple after being married for 15 years. The end result was the two women fell in love and both of them divorced their husbands. People need to really think before they dive into their sexual fantasies. More often then not, diving into a sexual fantasy ends up being a nightmare. 

I suggest counseling. I perceive this as a significant problem and should not be taken lightly because you are not receiving the respect that you want and deserve. Remember, people will treat you the way you allow them to. Good luck and be a stand for your dreams.


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## kevin (Feb 15, 2008)

I find myself in almost the same place as your husband. I will tell you in my case, and I think from what you wrote, sounds quite similar. I would say the biggest problem is your unwillingness to talk about sex that you are not comfortable with. Maybe a threesome wouldn't be for you, but not talking about it surely won't help any situation. As for anal sex, what exactly is wrong with it? My wife will not try it at all, or talk about it either. I know in my wife's case it is from a deep seated aversion to sex because of her religious upbringing. TALK. That is the thing that causes me the most pain, how can you know what his motivations are if you don't ask him? And as for a threesome, does he want another man or a woman? Again what are his motivations. I really think that it is unproductive to say he is going through a mid-life crisis. What exactly is a mid-life crisis, is it just re-examining your life and realizing you don't have that much time left in life and that you don't want stupid repressive ideas to rule your life? If so, then everyone should go through that in their teens. 

Sorry for ranting a bit, but I get very frustrated by these same things from my wife. 

You should examine why you will not even consider what he wants. If after truthful and honest thinking, you still don't want to do anything, then tell him no, but give your reasons. 

Kevin


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I think that any man who requests a**l sex from his wife should be very willing to go to the local adult store and pick up a dildo (and not one of the little teeny ones, but an actual size) and have his wife use it on him first... then, and ONLY then could he honestly know why she's refusing it!!! 

Another thing about a**l... that's how a man reaches his G-spot... up the back, that's the easiest way. Perhaps he's feeling the need to have his g-spot touched, just as we women have a desire to have our c-spot touched, ours is just so much easier to access. So that's probably another reason us women just dont' understand the drive of a man when it comes to a**l. =)


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

in the past my significant other has suggested anal. he got the idea after he heard his cousin tried it with his significant other. she however, tried it once or twice said it hurt and stopped. i, on the other hand, did not give in. this bugging about it went on for a year until strangely it stopped one day. he just gave up. 

this past summer he started having strange fantasies in porno and using toys. i didnt understand what he talked about when he said "name... i bought some toys. i didnt get you any because i know you're not into that" he started acting pretty strange and watching even stranger porno. i found the stuff and we talked about it. even got my parents involved...until he admitted that he was sexually abused by his mom and there were intimacy problems on his part. 

it could be that your husband is using sexual fantasies as a relief. after the summer ended and fall began. my significant other started talking about fetishes and fantasies. at first i also rejected listening to them. but i sat there once a week and just listened. started asking questions why he wanted what he fantasized and how he would do it. of course i never gave in or did any of that unusual stuff, but after he talked and expressed what he needed to say he began calming down. he began to relax off the unusual fantasies. 

now he just masturbates to soft porn and i dont hear any of that strange and unusual requests. now he just wants to be cuddle and hug all the time w/o sex, but doesnt mind foreplay. i dont mind either since i'm so busy. 

still... your sex is most likely your husband's way to releasing tension. just how men need that orgasm to generate that ejaculation and then their fine. 

so i would investigate and listen w/o any judgements on your part. i can be pretty judgemental myself, but once i started listening to his wierd stories w/o interruption and my inputs things began working out for the better. there wasnt that extra unnecessary tension.


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