# Do you ever get over it?



## Jester

Hi,

I mean, do you ever get over the divorce or do you find yourself still thinking about your ex wife/husband?

This is more of a question to the people who had a divorce but it wasnt entirely what they wanted, more about what their ex spouse thought was right.

Because for me I think it's coming closer and closer to this. Ofcourse I've had a lot of arguements and fights with my wife, but up until this point I've never felt it's going to be actually over for good. 

I think my wife has decided to leave me for good because she's been throwing accusations at me and saying she has another person in her life already (although I dont think this one's true, because she suffers from BPD and would throw just about anything at me she thinks will hurt me). But I sense a kind of seriousness coming from her this time, like she's really done.

This originally started as a small problem and suddenly went from bad to worse, she's saying she needs more space, more freedom, that she wants everything to go back to what it was before she was married, going out with her friends drinking was one of the things she mentioned.

When I try to ask her to calm down and just talk to me with reason she...just won't. Now it has gotten to the part she assaults me, slaps me and spits in my face and throws several items to my head (luckely she doesnt have much of an aim).

The point is I feel its too much now and I can't take this anymore, together with her shouting at me to go and leave her so she can be free again and do whatever she wants and the thought that if I would actually leave forever she wouldn't give a rat's ass, makes me quite sad..or depressed more like.

A divorce has never been on my mind, but she insists she wants to be free. Of course this could just be a BPD symptom but that doesnt make things any easier. I love her very much, I dont want to go from her, but how can you force someone to stay with you? You can't. I think now she finally realises that she doesn't want to be married anymore and I'm thinking enough is enough.

So I'm not there yet but I probably will be alone soon, against my will, divorced from the person I love.

So my question you guys and gals, how did you or how are you coping with this? Do you ever forget about the spouse you loved but unwillingly had to divorce, for whatever reason? Do you have any tricks to forget about all the nice memories you had?

I feel pretty hopeless now, as I mentioned many times already, I don't want a divorce, but she won't change her mind.

So how to get over it? How to cope?

M

and sorry for my story, it might seems a bit confusing but please bear with me. Thank you

EDIT: what if after we seperate we find that we miss eachother and want to get back together, or does that only happen in movies? haha. I'm hopeless


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## Shooboomafoo

Youre right, you cant make them stay. My ex involved herself with other men, and that was the deciding factor on her end to divorce when I found out. The only willing thing I did was leave a cheater, she filed for the divorce, I simply agreed. The whole infidelity thing was the deciding factor to me.

getting over it or moving on or however you want to call it is an exercise in patience. It can and will only take time and actually going thru the emotions of grief and depressed moods, to be rid of them. Its been nine months for me and I feel 200% better than I did the first five months. Why? I dont know the answer, and I am revisited often by moments of sadness, and watching her too move on with someone else, the effects on the kid, the isolation, lonliness, anger.
Feel those things, but dont let them trap you there. 
Talk to people, if depression gets bad, get help. 
Realize you were a complete person long before you met this woman who is checking out, and you will find your ground again, and someone thats really wonderful.


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## madaboutlove

My D was final just a week ago, so I am no expert on how to deal with this. I will tell you that I have more good days, days I don't dwell on the loss, than bad days now. SOmetimes, though, it is still pretty bad. My X decided he needed to leave the 28 year marriage, no real reason, just not in love with me anymore. We have 2 grown kids, will need to be around each other a bit, still separating all the stuff of a long marriage, so we need to be in touch. Makes me crazy. I don't believe I will ever really get over it, its like a death in some ways. Made me rethink everything about myself. I am pretty good, happy with my work, friends, in good shape, awesome kids who hang around a lot. I'm sure I will be fine in the end. And you will too. Can't make them do something they don't want to do. Many people think they are being helpful along the way, tell me they think he will change his mind, regret his choice. I can't live my life that way and I won't. I need to be ok with me and my choices. Hang in there


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## Deejo

Jester said:


> Hi,
> 
> So my question you guys and gals, how did you or how are you coping with this? Do you ever forget about the spouse you loved but unwillingly had to divorce, for whatever reason? Do you have any tricks to forget about all the nice memories you had?


You get through it because quite simply, you must.

There are many, many, rationalization, perspective and grounding techniques you can use, but quite frankly, none of them will work until you are willing to let them work.

There was a time in your life that your partner wasn't part of it. If you experienced, pleasure and joy for all of those years prior to being with your spouse, then odds are, you will feel those same things again without them.

Your partner isn't RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. You are.
A spouse can certainly contribute to, and influence (for better or worse) how you feel about your life, but no one should have responsibility over your emotional state other than yourself.

Take care of yourself and all that entails.

Counseling if you need it. Activities, time with friends and family, exercise ... basically, stay busy and don't ruminate over what you should or shouldn't have done in your marriage. If BPD is part of the equation, you married a very seriously damaged person. Again, her illness isn't something you can take responsibility for.

Be honest with yourself. Based on what she's telling you? That she wants out, and there is someone else? Believe her. If she is making it abundantly, and perhaps cruelly clear that she no longer wants to be with you ... than there is little point in your trying to convince her otherwise. If anything, particularly given her condition, I would imagine the harder you try to keep her, the harder she will push you away.

It's fine to remember the good things about your marriage. But ... it isn't fine to try to shoe-horn the image that you have of the relationship in the past, and apply it to the dysfunction of the present. They simply are not the same.

Take care of yourself, any questions ask. Plenty of folks here that have experienced exactly what you are feeling right now.


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## LoveMouse

BPD? Or NPD? Not much of a differance but letmetellyasomething....
I belive my X is one of those 2, but NPD is closer to the way she acts.
About 10 years ago, my x and I had an argument about God, w/o warning she asked me to leave the house for good. About once a month for a year she'd pick a stupid fight w/ me and tell me she needed me to leave, in front of the kids too. That slowed down to a few times a year but she'd do things w/ the kids and leave me out....like vacations. I never took her anger too seriously, she's a German. About 4yrs ago we were playing around in bed and I folded her pillow in half, w/o warning she got real mean and said "touch my pillow again and I'll kill you, I'm not kidding" I laughed but she wasn't/didn't. The treats of being killed went on for years and I always blew it off unless she said it infront of the kids and then I would make her say she was just joking. When she was in a good mood I'd ask her what she ment by "she'd kill me" and she didn't remember saying that or would say she was joking.
She got real bad, she was playing Farmville for 12hrs a day, she was on FB and other computer games all the time.....the death threats continued til I asked her to seek help.....for months I begged her, I offered to go w/, I lied and said I needed us to go and figure out what was going on....but she always refused~ She had a affair, and another, and another, she was just sleeping around to piss me off.
We did 36weeks of MC and in the first 3 weeks I was told she did "kill" me in her mind, she killed our M.
Thinking back, I could have saved 10yrs of my life for someone who wanted to love me, instead I took my M vows to the bitter end, I never saw it coming. I will always listen better when I'm asked to leave b/c the pain of her cheating has scared me for life.
Will the pain ever go away? YES!!  I don't miss her one bit!! I remember the good times we had but know she's a TOXIC, no good, and EVIL to the core.
Move on before it gets ugly.
Good luck!!
Mouse


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## Jester

Thanks to everyone for the advice and for sharing your own experiences. I feel for you all, I really do.

The thing that upset me so much was is that it was so sudden. As some of you might have seen, I started another thread in SIM, in which I explained that everything was going quite great between me and my W. That's why it came as quite a shock to me that she behaved the way she did so sudden.

Now she's crying and apologizing but I know better to rush back in the fray since she's been known to turn around and change her mind quite suddenly as mentioned above.

I will also research NPD some more. I'm not sure if its healthy to stay married to a person with these conditions.

Do they have a 'Mental Illnesses in Marriage ' section on TAM? That wouldn't be a bad idea, I suppose.

Anyways, stay strong guys and gals and take care.

M
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Unhappy2011 said:


> Another case of BPD.
> 
> Is it really that common?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately it's more common than we think. Many people live their entire lives without anyone knowing they're suffering from BPD.


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## synthetic

Jester,

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I'm in the same boat. My BPD wife has finally decided to completely hate me and leave.

For 11 years I've been chasing after her, begging, pleading, promising all sorts of things. I never knew about BPD until 6 months ago.

There's nothing you can do. Let her go. 

Your problem is no longer your wife. It's your codependency. You will suffer a massive scar as a result of this marriage and the effects of such a sick person in your life will not go away for a long time. 

Again, I know exactly what you're going through. Feel free to PM me.

Once you get to 30 posts, you will be able to read my story in the Private Members forum. You'll appreciate the similarities.


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## angelpixie

Unhappy2011 said:


> Another case of BPD.
> 
> Is it really that common?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do think it is more prevalent than we all realize, but I also have a theory-- People who are on sites like TAM are those who didn't have happy, amicable, peaceful divorces. Those folks don't need a site like TAM. The people with tumultuous, torturous, terrible divorces reach out to forums and message boards while they're trying to make sense of it all. I think a common thread between a lot of these situations may indeed be personality disorders/mental illnesses.
Just my not-yet-a-psych-student theory.


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## DaKarmaTrain!

Unhappy2011 said:


> Another case of BPD.
> 
> Is it really that common?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another case of BPD over here (not me, the ex silly!)!


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## eternal_optimist

Bipolar hubby here, too. I've noticed how common it is here, too. Angelpixie has a good theory there.


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## GhostRydr

My first marriage lasted 10 yrs (together 14) and didnt live together til we got married.

We separated for 2 months then reconciled, but it didn last. I finally walked out 2 1/2 yrs later. Since I truly dont think I was ever "in love"....you know, the hollywood, soul mate kind (though I cared deeply for her) I think thatmade it easier. On her part she admitted she was having a hard time getting over me and regretted allowing herself to lose me...hey, A guy is a catch when he is easy going, always up for new stuff, isnt abusive and hands over his paycheck and takes an allowance. Women kill for that stuff.

My second wife (I waited 7 yrs and regret taking it from a FWB deal to moving in and getting married) This has lasted 3 yrs and last year we separated for 2 months and she asked me to come back..again, stuff hasnt changed and we have agreed to part as soon as possible...Again, I care deeply but there has been no yearnings when we were separated..so I dont see me having a hard time when the time comes.


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## Freak On a Leash

Jester said:


> ... she's been throwing accusations at me and saying she has another person in her life already (although I dont think this one's true, because she suffers from BPD and would throw just about anything at me she thinks will hurt me)... she's really done.
> 
> ..... she's saying she needs more space, more freedom, that she wants everything to go back to what it was before she was married,...
> 
> ....she assaults me, slaps me and spits in my face and throws several items to my head....
> 
> .... together with her shouting at me to go and leave her so she can be free again and do whatever she wants.....


:wtf: Please tell me you don't have kids. 

She sounds like a person who, at best, has some serious mental issues and at worst, she's just a nasty woman. Think about it..WHY do you want to stay with her? She doesn't sound pleasant or nice to live with. Is it because you are used to the abuse? Afraid of being alone? Stuck in a rut?  She and your marriage is what you'd call a "bad habit". 

I know it's hard. I've gone thru this myself and it's not easy but I say let her go and see how you feel. If you feel relief that she's gone and you can enjoy the silence and peace then you know it's for the best. 

It's futile to beg, plead and try to reason. Give her what she wants and see the result. It's the old saying of letting something go and if it comes back then it's good..if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. 

You sound like a decent guy. Don't beat your head against a brick wall....all you get is a bad headache. :banghead:


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## Jellybeans

Jester said:


> I mean, do you ever get over the divorce or do you find yourself still thinking about your ex wife/husband?


I don't think you EVER forget an ex-spouse. It's not possible. They were a massive part of your lives, intertwined w/ everything you knew/know. As for a divorce, time will make it better. I do not think time heals all wounds, but it does help reduce the pain. 

Since you did not/do not want the divorce--the good thing is you will never live with any regret as to the termination of the marriage. You realize you gave it your all til the very end and your wife wanted out.

You are better off. You can't see it now, but you are. It's never healthy to stay in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with you.


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## madaboutlove

Oh good, thought I was crazy, still so caught up in him. Even when I am out, looking good, thinking about maybe meeting another man, it just hits me that it might happen and then what will I do? I still send him text messages sometimes late at night, and he answers. I set a deadline for myself, July 6th. He has to finish all the home improvement things from the divorce decree, which he is doing, and then some. I am away for a few weeks, so I won't have to see him or know when he is at my home. Then, no more contact. I have been making a list of the people to call if I have a problem, I should be all set. Moving on is my only hope at this point


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## ferndog

Jester said:


> Hi,
> 
> I mean, do you ever get over the divorce or do you find yourself still thinking about your ex wife/husband?
> 
> This is more of a question to the people who had a divorce but it wasnt entirely what they wanted, more about what their ex spouse thought was right.
> 
> Because for me I think it's coming closer and closer to this. Ofcourse I've had a lot of arguements and fights with my wife, but up until this point I've never felt it's going to be actually over for good.
> I have not see my ex f or had any contact or 8 months. I wake up missing her and go to bed loving her. Tge division for divorce was hers . So I guess if you love her you'll miss her. If you feel that you had faults in tge relationship (like I do) then I guess it will be harder for you. My advice is do positive things and focus on becoming a better person before you write it offtry your best. Till death do is part seems to go out the window so often. So just try your best so your heart will know you did all you could. Hive her space this will help
> 
> I think my wife has decided to leave me for good because she's been throwing accusations at me and saying she has another person in her life already (although I dont think this one's true, because she suffers from BPD and would throw just about anything at me she thinks will hurt me). But I sense a kind of seriousness coming from her this time, like she's really done.
> 
> This originally started as a small problem and suddenly went from bad to worse, she's saying she needs more space, more freedom, that she wants everything to go back to what it was before she was married, going out with her friends drinking was one of the things she mentioned.
> 
> When I try to ask her to calm down and just talk to me with reason she...just won't. Now it has gotten to the part she assaults me, slaps me and spits in my face and throws several items to my head (luckely she doesnt have much of an aim).
> 
> The point is I feel its too much now and I can't take this anymore, together with her shouting at me to go and leave her so she can be free again and do whatever she wants and the thought that if I would actually leave forever she wouldn't give a rat's ass, makes me quite sad..or depressed more like.
> 
> A divorce has never been on my mind, but she insists she wants to be free. Of course this could just be a BPD symptom but that doesnt make things any easier. I love her very much, I dont want to go from her, but how can you force someone to stay with you? You can't. I think now she finally realises that she doesn't want to be married anymore and I'm thinking enough is enough.
> 
> So I'm not there yet but I probably will be alone soon, against my will, divorced from the person I love.
> 
> So my question you guys and gals, how did you or how are you coping with this? Do you ever forget about the spouse you loved but unwillingly had to divorce, for whatever reason? Do you have any tricks to forget about all the nice memories you had?
> 
> I feel pretty hopeless now, as I mentioned many times already, I don't want a divorce, but she won't change her mind.
> 
> So how to get over it? How to cope?
> 
> M
> 
> and sorry for my story, it might seems a bit confusing but please bear with me. Thank you
> 
> EDIT: what if after we seperate we find that we miss eachother and want to get back together, or does that only happen in movies? haha. I'm hopeless


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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