# problems between my wife and my mother



## difficulties (Nov 12, 2013)

Dears,

I don't know from where to start... it may look quite complicated... and I believe it is.
I am a 31 years old guy. the only son of my parents; I have a beloved sister too.
I am married for almost 6 months by now.

It all started when I decided to get married to a foreigner. My parents were worried a lot but my sister was totally against the marriage because of the language and the traditions difference.

Surprisingly the first meeting was quite good... my parents liked my wife and my sister started to deal in a better way!

My wife left her country, her family, and her job.. she came to live with me in my country based on my request.

I also met her parents in her country, made two parties .. one in her country and one in my country with her mother's presence.

I tried to make my wife feel comfortable in her new place... and to feel home. got a job for her... other facilities... I also asked her to go to her family when they needed her ... So, I didn't stop her from going ... and she went for couple of weeks.

The problem started when my mother tried to do everything for my wife... starting by preparing my house... recommending and buying stuff... even cleaning the house before my wife came to start living.

Then when my wife came and we started living... my mother and my sister were trying to communicate with her... different gatherings and outings... but when they stop.. there is no response from my wife.

My mother was wondering... she is trying to please my wife but my wife is doing no actions regarding this matter. Simply, my mother wanted my wife to be like her daughter... but my wife is just coming with me and no phone calls or any other communication.

I tried to convince my wife to get involved more and to be a part of the big family (which seems ... added more to the problem)... but she was taking things in a defensive way... 

We used to go once per week to my parents house. The scenario is always like that... my mother is talking in her language, my wife is talking to me in her language... my wife is setting beside me till we leave... my sister can talk my wife's language .. but my wife doesnt call her back...

last two incidents... Me and my wife invited my parents and my sister to our home .... my wife kept cleaning the kitchen after we finished eating.. till my family left!

Then me and my wife went to my parent's house... my mother and my sister totally ignored my wife and they were just talking to me.

Now both don't want to meet on the weekly gathering... 
May be I tried to convince my wife in a pushy way... may be i didn't set my mother's expectations when it comes to my wife...

but the conclusion is i am the one who is suffering the most and I dont know what to do.

Please, Help.

Difficulties.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time for a frank discussion with your wife. Ask her what is bothering her. It's great that she left everything to be with you, but it's not healthy to be ONLY with you. And now your mother/sister are taking her cue and retreating. Fix it before it gets worse.

Maybe have ONLY your wife and mother together and then another time have ONLY your wife and your sister. Maybe she's overwhelmed. Maybe she has toxic shame and expects them to hurt her or judge her. Who knows? But you need to be able to talk honestly about it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I cannot speak knowingly about your culture or your wife's culture, but I think your mother is trying too hard and pushing your wife into a type of relationship that isn't realistic. You say that "my mother wanted my wife to be like her daughter." But you can't just replace your mother and maybe your wife doesn't want that. 

Your mother needs to treat you like a son and your wife like a daughter in law, not a daughter. That is my opinion. Your mother needs to stop pushing and trying so hard.


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