# I have begged my husband for sex



## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

It is so weird to me to see all these posts how husbands have to beg wives for sex. When in my case it's the complete opposite. Am I a weirdo? In all seriousness since October of last year my husband started distancing himself from me in the bedroom. Well im very vocal cause im trying to make this darn relationship work. I told him I felt as if he wasnt attracted to me any longer he didnt insinuate sex for like almost a month one time I wanted to see how long he was willing to deprive me. Well he said he would work on it. But it's still pretty much the same. Also im pretty into oral (giving and receiving) and he ised to be into it (giving). I had sent him some memes you know joking with him but he didnt get the point. So I literally had to tell him get like I always give you oral and im always on top. Ehy dont you try to put in some work. He basically just brushed it off. Im so over my sex life right nowim about to be a celibate married woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yui Ortega said:


> It is so weird to me to see all these posts how husbands have to beg wives for sex. When in my case it's the complete opposite. Am I a weirdo?


You are not a weirdo. Instead you have discovered a seldom spoken of truth: men are as likely as women are to withhold sex and even make their marriage sexless or near sexless. We all hear the nonsense about how men just want sex all the time. Well it’s just not true for a good number of men.

Here is a link to a book that I think would help you learn more about your situation.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

If there is sex 10 or fewer times a year, it’s considered a sexless marriage. About 20% of marriages are sexless… with men choosing to sexless as often as women do.


Yui Ortega said:


> In all seriousness since October of last year my husband started distancing himself from me in the bedroom. Well im very vocal cause im trying to make this darn relationship work. I told him I felt as if he wasnt attracted to me any longer he didnt insinuate sex for like almost a month one time I wanted to see how long he was willing to deprive me. Well he said he would work on it. But it's still pretty much the same. Also im pretty into oral (giving and receiving) and he ised to be into it (giving). I had sent him some memes you know joking with him but he didnt get the point. So I literally had to tell him get like I always give you oral and im always on top. Ehy dont you try to put in some work. He basically just brushed it off. Im so over my sex life right nowim about to be a celibate married woman


I read your other thread. Your husband is clearly not into you. It does not sound like he ever was. Why are you still with him? 

There is nothing sexy about begging for sex. If he does not want sex, he does not want it. Why do you think begging, giving him memes, etc will make him want sex with you?

You have already told him enough times that you are upset about the way the marriage is going. You cannot fix the marriage yourself and you cannot badger him into fix it and wanting sex with you. The best thing you could do is to start to pull away. Start doing things for yourself. 


In light of what you have said on your other thread, I don’t think he cares really. What is there to save?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to the OP's other thread about her husband's actions with other women.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/329305-my-husband-doesnt-give-me-much-attention.html


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to the OP's other thread about her husband's actions with other women.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/329305-my-husband-doesnt-give-me-much-attention.html


my original post was about my main issue and thus this is an underlying effect which the issue has caused. But yes I know begging is not cute or sexy so I have not proceeded with it. When I say beg it's not like I sit there and say pleasee have sex with me. Though it feels that way because I have spoke to him over and over about our sex life just being so boring. Therefore it is like begging. right? Sometimes it gets better he will have sex more often but still doesn't fulfill all my needs. I might be asking for alot but I guess I just expect to receive as much as I give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You are not a weirdo. Instead you have discovered a seldom spoken of truth: men are as likely as women are to withhold sex and even make their marriage sexless or near sexless. We all hear the nonsense about how men just want sex all the time. Well it’s just not true for a good number of men.
> 
> Here is a link to a book that I think would help you learn more about your situation.
> 
> ...


I do feel like that basically he just doesn't want me but he says he does and begs me not to leave. The problem might be that he prefers porn or viewing other women's pics. But I have to try I mean I am married and I have to give it my all or nothing. I still have a little more to give we will be headed to counseling this week in hopes that our marriage has some validation to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yui Ortega said:


> I do feel like that basically he just doesn't want me but he says he does and begs me not to leave. The problem might be that he prefers porn or viewing other women's pics. But I have to try I mean I am married and I have to give it my all or nothing. I still have a little more to give we will be headed to counseling this week in hopes that our marriage has some validation to it.


For some people porn has become a real problem. There are men who have come to prefer porn to sex with real, live women. Why? Here is a web site that discusses it.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

This is definitely a discussion to have with your counselor. Hopefully you have a counselor who knows how to handle things like porn addiction (if that's the problem) or other sexual difficulties.

Also.. please do read the book that I suggested. It will help you discuss things with your counselor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yui Ortega said:


> my original post was about my main issue and thus this is an underlying effect which the issue has caused.


Have you heard the old story of eight blind men who get a chance to be around an elephant, where they can touch the elephant?

After that, they 8 blind men are asked what an elephant is like.

One blind man says that the elephant is like a leathery tree with a big treat-trunk that get wider at the top. That's because this blind men only got to touch the elephant's legs.

Another blind man said that the elephant is line a big snake with no teeth in it's mouth because man only got to touch the elephant's trunk.

And so it goes, with each blind man describing something completely different from the other because each only had touched on small part of the elephant.

Well that's what happens around here when posters split their story up into different threads like you did.

You see, the problem in this thread is very much related to the problem in your other thread. And the reverse is true for the other thread. But you separate them so that leaves posters replying to blind to a large part of the problems in your marriage.

You don't have two different problems, they are different aspects of the same problem. You will get much better input from people if they realize the full extent of the problem... know just half of it.


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## Jordan88 (Apr 18, 2016)

Sound like he not into you sexually, maybe he into the whole family having a wife thing but just not the sex,

He married you for a reason, might be good to find that out ( not just cause he love you) and let him know how important this is to you or ul just end going around in circles ( I been there in my situation my wife not wanting sex but everything Else is like a fairy tail movie

Look at what you bring to the table.
money, a home (kids if you have any )
Giving is nice but the other person gotta atleast give back a little 

I've met females that has ended up having affair cause of things like this best advice I can give is to put your foot down


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its not that unusual but its very unfortunate. There are a lot of women in marriages whos husbands are lazy in bed or regularly turn the down for sex. 

Was he an enthusiastic and caring lover early in your relationship or has this always been an issue?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The BIG difference between internet porn and a wife with an ample amount of sexual desire is that porn is the ultimate tease in that you can look but you can NOT touch.

Desire needs distance!

Desire needs curiosity!

Desire needs vulnerability!

When a man looks at porn he can see but ONLY imagine what things feel like which is a catalyst for curiosity. Curiosity then drives men to want to try something new. Looking at sex in a new context requires him to be vulnerable. Porn does all these things.

Should you as a wife compete with porn? No, but you should try to use it as a catalyst to learn more about your husband's sexuality and preferences. While you have a lot of lingerie, that may not do much if he happens to be too focussed on a kink/fetish like latex, very oily Nuru massages, or orgasm denial.

Unfortunately there are some men that simply do NOT talk about these things and are ashamed of what it is they really like and desire.

My suggestion would be to learn how to talk dirty while engaged in foreplay. Experiment with a wide variety of talking about kinky topics. Use his "penis" to discover his secrets, because a penis is not capable of telling lies or hiding the truth (unless he has anxiety issues).

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unless your physical condition has grossly changed, your H ought to be so into having sex with you! And that includes taking into exception any physical changes in your appearance that naturally occur over the course of time!

I always thought that married life and it's resultant sex was always supposed to be that way! Things getting even hotter and better over the due course of time! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Unless your physical condition has grossly changed, your H ought to be so into having sex with you! And that includes taking into exception any physical changes in your appearance that naturally occur over the course of time!
> 
> I always thought that married life and it's resultant sex was always supposed to be that way! Things getting even hotter and better over the due course of time! *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I thought as well. You know that with time we would get to know what each of us is into and it would just get better and better. But there just seems to be a decline in the department and it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> The BIG difference between internet porn and a wife with an ample amount of sexual desire is that porn is the ultimate tease in that you can look but you can NOT touch.
> 
> Desire needs distance!
> 
> ...


Good advice I will keep trying to discover. I just wish he was into discovering how to please me as well. Doing all the work all the time gets boring real quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Its not that unusual but its very unfortunate. There are a lot of women in marriages whos husbands are lazy in bed or regularly turn the down for sex.
> 
> Was he an enthusiastic and caring lover early in your relationship or has this always been an issue?


He was very enthusiastic early on. I don't expect for it to be the same as the beginning but the change is so drastic it's just really upsetting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Yui Ortega said:


> Good advice I will keep trying to discover.* I just wish he was into discovering how to please me as well. *Doing all the work all the time gets boring real quick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know of another wife in a similar situation, and she has uncovered her husband's secret desires that he used to obsessively watch with porn. She took a stance to overcome that and not feel threatened by it, and managed to get her husband to enjoy her way more than porn. Not a perfect process and it was riddled with frustration.

...the point of that story is that what she likes the most is experiencing for her husband become so aroused that he looses control of himself with her. She says it is as if his arousal that he shares with her is the "thing" that fuels her libido and enjoyment for sex. 

Anything worth while takes work!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yui Ortega said:


> He was very enthusiastic early on. I don't expect for it to be the same as the beginning but the change is so drastic it's just really upsetting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is telling. So you didn't marry a man who is adverse to sex something has changed in him. You need to ask,but I mean clearly ask, why this has changed. Something like "look we used to have wild monkey sex and now nothing... I want to know why". If no response or BS excuse is given then start digging on your own to find out. Porn use, affair, depression, medical reason... Something has changed and if he won't address it you should find out for yourself or leave. You shouldn't have to live sexless.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
any major changes in your lives recently? children, death of parents, loss of job or anything else that could be causing stress?

Some people have suggested porn, its possible but only one of many possibilities. Does he watch porn or do you watch together?

Has he given any indication of why? Any hints of something he wants (reasonable or not)?




Yui Ortega said:


> He was very enthusiastic early on. I don't expect for it to be the same as the beginning but the change is so drastic it's just really upsetting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Yui,

Three possibilities here

(1) there is another woman that you do not know about
(2) he has a medical problem he is not telling you about or medication is surpressing his sexual appetite
(3) he is addicted to porn

Men get horny and have sex with women they cold care less about. So even if he is not madly in love with tyou something is off here.

I suggest dragging his ass to a sex therapist or start doing some snooping.

And you are not the problem here or any kind of weirdo.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Yui Ortega said:


> He was very enthusiastic early on. I don't expect for it to be the same as the beginning but the change is so drastic it's just really upsetting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Wolf1974 said:


> This is telling. So you didn't marry a man who is adverse to sex something has changed in him. You need to ask,but I mean clearly ask, why this has changed. Something like "look we used to have wild monkey sex and now nothing... I want to know why". If no response or BS excuse is given then start digging on your own to find out. Porn use, affair, depression, medical reason... Something has changed and if he won't address it you should find out for yourself or leave. You shouldn't have to live sexless.


AGREE!

There should not be a "drastic" change. Changes DO occur over times in relationships. Average relationship may go through the following:

YEAR 1 = Up to three times a day!
YEAR 2 = Almost daily with few days off here and there.
YEAR 3 = Up to three times a week.
YEARS 4-9 = About three to four times times a month (if you are busy with kids).
YEARS 10+ About once or twice a week. 

Badsanta


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Average relationship may go through the following:
> 
> YEAR 1 = Up to three times a day!
> YEAR 2 = Almost daily with few days off here and there.
> ...


Fixed it for you...

YEAR 1 = Up to three times a day!
YEAR 2 = With limited exception once daily and sometimes twice a day here and there.
YEAR 3 = Marriage! Which largely ends up being a rerun of year 2.
YEARS 4-15 = Having children! So it slows down to about 5-7x a week.
YEARS 15+ = 4-6x a week and often more.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I know of another wife in a similar situation, and she has uncovered her husband's secret desires that he used to obsessively watch with porn. She took a stance to overcome that and not feel threatened by it, and managed to get her husband to enjoy her way more than porn. Not a perfect process and it was riddled with frustration.
> 
> ...the point of that story is that what she likes the most is experiencing for her husband become so aroused that he looses control of himself with her. She says it is as if his arousal that he shares with her is the "thing" that fuels her libido and enjoyment for sex.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice I will keep on trying to figure things out. Hopefully the hardwork pays off


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Personal said:


> Fixed it for you...
> 
> YEAR 1 = Up to three times a day!
> YEAR 2 = With limited exception once daily and sometimes twice a day here and there.
> ...


Well I'm on year 2 and my sex life is on none of these scales it would be like 2-3x a week (on a good week). Keeping in mind that i would initiate all these times because my husband at best initiates maybe 2-3x a month.:frown2::frown2:


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> any major changes in your lives recently? children, death of parents, loss of job or anything else that could be causing stress?
> 
> Some people have suggested porn, its possible but only one of many possibilities. Does he watch porn or do you watch together?
> ...


 Yes we have a 9 mo baby.None of those other problems though. We do not watch together and I have not asked him to yet. But I have asked what he would like me to change in the bedroom if there was anything I could do different but haven't gotten any reply just that everything is fine on my end.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is telling. So you didn't marry a man who is adverse to sex something has changed in him. You need to ask,but I mean clearly ask, why this has changed. Something like "look we used to have wild monkey sex and now nothing... I want to know why". If no response or BS excuse is given then start digging on your own to find out. Porn use, affair, depression, medical reason... Something has changed and if he won't address it you should find out for yourself or leave. You shouldn't have to live sexless.


I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.I will be trying to talk to him about it more and see where we can get to. But I have tried and to talk about it in the past and haven't gotten anywhere.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yui Ortega said:


> I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.I will be trying to talk to him about it more and see where we can get to. But I have tried and to talk about it in the past and haven't gotten anywhere.


Well without a consequence what motivation does he have to change though?


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well without a consequence what motivation does he have to change though?


I have threatened to leave he begs me stay and says he will change but nothing really changes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

ATTENTION PLEASE
what would be a good and effective way to go about having this conversation with my husband so that I won't hurt his ego or his feelings even though I know mines are hurt I want to lead by example and hope he can follow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can't make empty threats and expect results. You have to actually follow through with what you threaten or it won't be taken seriously.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
did the problems mostly start with the pregnancy / baby or were there problem earlier? 



Yui Ortega said:


> Yes we have a 9 mo baby.None of those other problems though. We do not watch together and I have not asked him to yet. But I have asked what he would like me to change in the bedroom if there was anything I could do different but haven't gotten any reply just that everything is fine on my end.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> You can't make empty threats and expect results. You have to actually follow through with what you threaten or it won't be taken seriously.


Yes this. Without an action no sense in having the conversation


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Have you considered that your husband's problem may be your dominant behavior? You said YOU decided the two of you should get married. He could be an insecure man who can no longer feel sexual attraction to a woman so muh more confident and dominating than he is. He might be fantasizng about girls on facebook because he doesn't know them and can imagine them to be meeker than you and in need of him. You might be too threatening to his own sense of security for him to be vulnerable with you through sex.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> did the problems mostly start with the pregnancy / baby or were there problem earlier?


First let me just say since we first started our relationship he let me know he was very interested in having a child. I agreed and we eventually got pregnant. Either way yes after i became pregnant he started distancing himself what i noticed was he had completely stopped giving me oral. I did how ever mention it and he just told me it was because of the baby. Then as the baby started sleeping all night and we had more time to ourselves I started to notice how much change there was in our sex life and in other aspects of our relationship as well. For example my having to insinuate practically every time we had been intimate and how it had just become all so boring as if he were not into me anymore. So I confronted him about it and he said he was still interested in me and that he wasn't just with me because of the baby. Though that is what it felt like to me but he swears that he wants to be with me. So I have just become so agitated and confused about the whole situation. I never in my wildest dreams thought my marriage would go left because of something like this


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

At least some men can't get aroused for a woman who they feel significantly weaker than. Or he never was much interested in you and is realizing he made a mistake and is getting depressed over it. Do you seem to have to take charge of a lot ot things? Does he share in decision-making and does he initiate other things in the relationship? Did you become more controlling during and/or after the pregnancy, such as telling him the right way to care for your baby? Do you usually have to give him a lot of directions and push him to do things in his own life for his own good?


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Cecezakat said:


> At least some men can't get aroused for a woman who they feel significantly weaker than. Or he never was much interested in you and is realizing he made a mistake and is getting depressed over it. Do you seem to have to take charge of a lot ot things? Does he share in decision-making and does he initiate other things in the relationship? Did you become more controlling during and/or after the pregnancy, such as telling him the right way to care for your baby? Do you usually have to give him a lot of directions and push him to do things in his own life for his own good?


 Ok he proposed to me in August 2014 by on New years eve we found out I was pregnant in December 2015 I decided we should be married by a judge because we had been talking about having a wedding and I wanted to get married on that same date in 2016. This was his first kid I have an older kid so I gave him instruction on how to care for the baby yes. I believe he does do things in his own life for himself I don't have to push him I don't think. Like he goes and gets haircuts he goes to work he works on the cars like oil changes and what not. He tries to be the best dad he can, he is actually a really good dad. When you say initiate other things in the relationship what other things are you talking about ?


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Well there is something to be explored as a possibility. Your sex life has changed since having a child. You already have a child and like many moms of newborns you may have given constant instructions on how to care for the baby instead of letting him find his own way to do things. You might have thought your way was right and was also to keep your baby safe. But sometimes moms interfere too much and don't let the new daddy feel confident in his own skills. If you think this is true in your case then he may feel really emmasculated or turned off by the way you tried to teach him your knowledge. 

Does he initiate hugs, kisses and other forms of affection? Does he make plans to go out with you and you accept his plan and go along with it? Does he always ask your opinions first and especially when he runs into a problem in life? Does he seem to need your advice to figure out problems rather than just asking your input? Do you often end up changing things the two of you plan because you think your way is better? You picked the marriage date, you didn't say you both agreed it was the best time to get married. Just because he doesn't actively oppose you does not mean he really agrees with you and is fine with your decision. If this is happening a lot he can feel powerless in the relationship because you always get what you want.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

If I remember right, you said the sex life declined before marriage. Did it specifically decline when you were both engaged and making decisions about the wedding? If so then it may be he is harboring resentment and feels he has no say in big decisions in your relationship.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Some men have a real problems with the whole mother / lover issue. Its not a rational reaction, it just is. 

I have it, I have a difficult time seeing the mother of a young child as a sexual being. I'm completely aware that this is MY problem, I know its irrational, but like other psychological issues it doesn't go away just because I want it to. There is no why anymore that I could tell you that I have a phobia of stinging insects. 

Do you think this could be going on with him?




Yui Ortega said:


> First let me just say since we first started our relationship he let me know he was very interested in having a child. I agreed and we eventually got pregnant. Either way yes after i became pregnant he started distancing himself what i noticed was he had completely stopped giving me oral. I did how ever mention it and he just told me it was because of the baby. Then as the baby started sleeping all night and we had more time to ourselves I started to notice how much change there was in our sex life and in other aspects of our relationship as well. For example my having to insinuate practically every time we had been intimate and how it had just become all so boring as if he were not into me anymore. So I confronted him about it and he said he was still interested in me and that he wasn't just with me because of the baby. Though that is what it felt like to me but he swears that he wants to be with me. So I have just become so agitated and confused about the whole situation. I never in my wildest dreams thought my marriage would go left because of something like this


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Yui Ortega said:


> First let me just say since we first started our relationship he let me know he was very interested in having a child. I agreed and we eventually got pregnant. Either way yes after i became pregnant he started distancing himself what i noticed was he had completely stopped giving me oral. I did how ever mention it and he just told me it was because of the baby. Then as the baby started sleeping all night and we had more time to ourselves I started to notice how much change there was in our sex life and in other aspects of our relationship as well. For example my having to insinuate practically every time we had been intimate and how it had just become all so boring as if he were not into me anymore. So I confronted him about it and he said he was still interested in me and that he wasn't just with me because of the baby. Though that is what it felt like to me but he swears that he wants to be with me. So I have just become so agitated and confused about the whole situation. I never in my wildest dreams thought my marriage would go left because of something like this


You may be confused, but have you ever heard of the madonna/***** problem that some men have. They lust after a woman until they make her pregnant, then they put her on a pedestal and worship the mother of their child, but in a very non-sexual way.

It is fairly common. Kind of sounds like this might be part of your problme as weel.


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Cecezakat said:


> If I remember right, you said the sex life declined before marriage. Did it specifically decline when you were both engaged and making decisions about the wedding? If so then it may be he is harboring resentment and feels he has no say in big decisions in your relationship.


Yes before Marriage but no it wasn't ever specifically when there was talk about the wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> You may be confused, but have you ever heard of the madonna/***** problem that some men have. They lust after a woman until they make her pregnant, then they put her on a pedestal and worship the mother of their child, but in a very non-sexual way.
> 
> It is fairly common. Kind of sounds like this might be part of your problme as weel.


This does make sense and might be what is going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Some men have a real problems with the whole mother / lover issue. Its not a rational reaction, it just is.
> 
> I have it, I have a difficult time seeing the mother of a young child as a sexual being. I'm completely aware that this is MY problem, I know its irrational, but like other psychological issues it doesn't go away just because I want it to. There is no why anymore that I could tell you that I have a phobia of stinging insects.
> ...


This might be the problem because that's when alarm bells started going off in my head. The only thing is that I already had a kid when we met so I'm not too sure about it ...what do you do that helps in your case?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yui Ortega said:


> It is so weird to me to see all these posts how husbands have to beg wives for sex. When in my case it's the complete opposite. Am I a weirdo? In all seriousness since October of last year my husband started distancing himself from me in the bedroom. Well im very vocal cause im trying to make this darn relationship work. I told him I felt as if he wasnt attracted to me any longer he didnt insinuate sex for like almost a month one time I wanted to see how long he was willing to deprive me. Well he said he would work on it. But it's still pretty much the same. Also im pretty into oral (giving and receiving) and he ised to be into it (giving). I had sent him some memes you know joking with him but he didnt get the point. So I literally had to tell him get like I always give you oral and im always on top. Ehy dont you try to put in some work. He basically just brushed it off. Im so over my sex life right nowim about to be a celibate married woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Mrs.CuddleBug initiates sex about 1x month and she's good with that because she is LD "low sex drive".

Myself, I need sex almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I am HD "high sex drive"

You sound like me and your man sounds like my wife.

Sexual mismatch.

You aren't a weirdo. You have a healthy high adventurous sex drive that most guys would kill for their wives to have.

If he knows about you needing a lot of sex, and he's not doing much about it, like most LD people, buy yourself some sex toys.

http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/blogs/548641/sex-toys-for-women-10-of-the-best.html


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
we wound up not having kids (long story, unrelated reason), and my wife never knew how I felt about it. I don't know what I would have done if we had had kids. 




Yui Ortega said:


> This might be the problem because that's when alarm bells started going off in my head. The only thing is that I already had a kid when we met so I'm not too sure about it ...what do you do that helps in your case?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yui Ortega (Mar 21, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> we wound up not having kids (long story, unrelated reason), and my wife never knew how I felt about it. I don't know what I would have done if we had had kids.


Well it's too late for that in my case thanks anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I had a similar reaction to @richardsharpe. After my wife got pregnant I had a conflict between my desire and a huge need to protect her. She seemed as sexy as, but I feared hurting her and the baby. The conflict was not only unplanned and unexpected, but I also only understood it afterwards.

This is probably not your husbands cause. You said the problem started before marriage. However maybe the reason he hasn't told you the cause is he hasn't worked out what is happening himself. Think you said your baby is already six months old, so that seems too long to figure himself out, but maybe he doesn't know himself.

The only similar cause I can imagine for him is he likes the chase. Once you two were serious he no longer felt a need to chase and lost the desire. If this remote chance is right your begging and pursuing him would only make it worse.

Personally though I think it is related to the porn. Do you know when that started?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to a book that I think would help you learn more about your situation.
> 
> Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It
> 
> If there is sex 10 or fewer times a year, it’s considered a sexless marriage. About 20% of marriages are sexless… with men choosing to sexless as often as women do.


Taken from the pages of " Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It...


"The reason is seldom simple and may have a *physiological* , *psychological* , or *cultural* foundation, recent studies add a genetic component.. Often these elements combine. 

We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self -identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. We asked men to list the reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree ...the Following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes"...

I would think Porn use is probably higher on this list.. this book was written back in 2008...



> She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me.................68%
> She doesn't seem to enjoy sex......................................61%
> I am interested in sex with others, just not my wife........48%
> I am angry at her........................................................44%
> ...


True.. there are men who PREFER some "Chase".. I did a thread on this years ago... trying to get a better understanding of why men are wired one way or another... but I ended up deleting it...

Then some men get more turned on when the women is coming after them... this feeds their desire... where another man may feel it's "pressure"...

I'd say the more ALPHA males prefer some Chase...subtle is OK too... but too aggressive can be a turn off to those types...that was my impression from the replies..


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Some more practical ideas that I meant to post above.

To figure out if it is the thrill of the chase that drives him, what were your interactions like when his desire was there? Was he wining and dining you? Was he more proactive in other ways? He hasn't told you the missing ingredient. Maybe you can remember some change that he misses even if he can't/wont say it. Of course babies make this harder. Is your first child old enough to baby sit? Or maybe dates at home, kids to bed, both dress up, late candle lit dinner and a DVD.

Or maybe tease him. "You're not getting any tonight unless you ..." Maybe marriage makes you too available, in his mind.

But personally I think it is LD/HD mismatch or porn. Read the porn URL, then google.

LD/HD mismatch has lots of threads here, but no single simple answer. Maybe ask him how many times a week he wants sex. If he is honest and open that could identify it is LD/HD. Maybe get a promise from him that he will initiate half that number of times. Some people keep a calendar, so the LD sees its been 3 days or whatever. Or they schedule days of the week for sex, every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

OP, the list posted by @SimplyAmorous is so relevant. Wish I could like it more than once. 

I disagree with most of the percentages given, which probably indicates I don't understand the problem. I guess you don't understand it too or you would be working on solution already. Do the categories and percentages match your ideas? 

Or maybe it just reflects that people lie about their reasons. 68% think wife isn't adventurous so they give up, that sounds like a self justification to me. And LD/HD mismatch is probably the second last item, only 3% is too low.

The problem your H has is either something he can't admit or doesn't even know. If it was that he doesn't like doing it with the lights on, or vice versa, he would say so, you flip the switch and you wouldn't be posting this here. Interesting how many of the categories are things that a H might not be prepared to tell their W. So lots of possibilities for you to consider. Great list.


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## HEIDI84 (Apr 24, 2016)

Men are like woman they hit their prime at a certain age, and occasional dry spurts, we started to go through one and I thought it was me he didn't find me sexy so whether he's in the mood or not send him a text n I say I got something for u baby, and make him wait till u have time to ourselves that night n surprise him I was never into porn, or toys really but after my first marriage failed due to his inability to keep it in his pants I became a little more open but would still get upset when my hubby now downloaded videos on his phone n lied about it. And he actually said to me after an argument well I want you but you can't do it , it was after I had an ovary n my uterus out due to cancer. He said I could be like ur ex husband n go out n cheat but I won't cuz I love u, after that I thought omg he's right now I'm a regular club member at excitement video plus if u order stuff from Hong Kong on eBay it's maybe an 1/8th of what u pay in store, I surprise him all the time with toys sexy lingerie and I realized my lack of self confidence was a big turn off I started exercising n went vegan about 3 mths ago lost like 32 lbs so far. But now I'm stuck at 134lbs, to be honest I still am just as self conscious n will not get fully naked with lights on lol but the outfits u can get jus enuf to cover my belly a lil n let everything else hang out lol I picked him up from work one day wearing a long coat with stilettos knee high stockings and see thru lingerie he didn't even realize till we were halfway home n saw the stilettos lol honestly there's times I'm not in the mood but I'll try for him so I go and buy these pills at the sex shop the brand Climax are the best for woman it's like $10 for one and it lasts 4 days and best for men is Rhino xxl same price there's creams too for woman n men to make u more sensitive, we almost always start off popping in a porn I'm still a lil iffy with it cuz I'm always afraid he will picture them when he's doing me lol but it's like the opposite he tells me to kiss him cuz it turns him on n before he cums he always makes sure we go back to missionary cuz he wants to look at me n kiss me while he's Cums p.s. I usually offer to pick up a porn alone n I try to find the girls with flaws or that look trashy lol


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

What I would have given to have my STBXW beg me for sex. ..


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## Ellina (Apr 24, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> The first two quotes are from your other thread.
> 
> Do the FaceBook women look like you at all? Are they the same face/body/style type? If not . . . well there you go.
> 
> ...


Marrying and continue living together has nothing to do with one another.
It had been and it is NOW!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> You may be confused, but have you ever heard of the madonna/***** problem that some men have. They lust after a woman until they make her pregnant, then they put her on a pedestal and worship the mother of their child, but in a very non-sexual way.
> 
> It is fairly common. Kind of sounds like this might be part of your problme as weel.


This. Minus the worship or the pedestal.:frown2:


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