# hidden stash of money



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My H and I have been married 5 years. We have 2 kids together and live with my two teens (one attends out of town school - home summer, hoidays and the odd weekend). I was willed about 900 from my aunt and while my H knew it was coming, I never told him I have received it. 

I split everything else with him and I need this as security. My first marriage was abusive and I still have issue with that. This marriage is struggling (I putting down much needed boundaries, he fighting it) and I feel I need this 'emergency' fund.

This past while H has been putting some of his demons from his past to rest. One of his triggers is lies (even when you forget to tell something small in true error) and one of mine is feeling trapped with not a dime of my own if I needed hotel for night or something. 

Do I 
a) confess 
b) just give half the money and suck it up (pretend it just arrived)
c)leave it as is? 

I can't explain, I just feel he is very weird money-wise where I feel bossed around and him greedy over my assets from prior to him ie: my inheritence from my mom and a house re-finance in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Put the money away in a separate account that belongs only to you. In a bank. Not as a hidden stash in the house or anywhere else.

You do not need to explain it to him.
It's your $, your inheritance, and you are a married woman.

Of course you are going to have your own stash of money.
That belongs only to you.
Just in case or just because.
What planet does he come from!!!!


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

IMO, I wouldn't let 900.00 be a cause for a problem. If he has an issue with lies, and you feel you're lying, then I would mention it. 

I would tell him you inherited 900.00, and you're putting it away for the children's emergency fund.
I'm sure they'll have needs along the way, and the 900.00 would not go far enough, to where you would jeopardize your marriage over it.

Tell him your aunt wanted it that way.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

there have been instances in my marriage where things physically escalated out of control and i should have left the house but didn't. since then i keep a stash of cash (few hundred dollars) and a couple changes of clothes that i can grab in a heartbeat and get out of the house.

if you think there would be a need for it, hold on to it. i'd keep some in cash if you needed to move quickly.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I say stash the money (it's yours) and keep it wherever it will make you feel safe. If he isn't capable of understanding that then don't tell him. Easy enough.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> IMO, I wouldn't let 900.00 be a cause for a problem. If he has an issue with lies, and you feel you're lying, then I would mention it.
> 
> I would tell him you inherited 900.00, and you're putting it away for the children's emergency fund.
> I'm sure they'll have needs along the way, and the 900.00 would not go far enough, to where you would jeopardize your marriage over it.
> ...


Is this just $900.00?

I am thinking a much big number like $900,000. 

If it is only $900.00, I don't think it is a good idea to hinder a relationship by a small sum either. 

Trust between a husband and wife is very important, if you do things secretly, you lose the other person's trust, then he or she will do things secretly too, it's like creating a vicious circle!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This is an inheritance given to you by a family member. It is 100% yours, the law even recognizes this. Rainy day fund or new golf clubs, it's yours. Since you already feel nervous about your marriage after only 5 years and you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, I would say stash the cash.
I would feel the same way for a man. There was a guy here a while back who got $250 and questioned the same thing. It's yours. Period.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I agree with the above reply. This inheritence is yours by law, you needn't split it with him. Keep it in an account that you only have access to & let it help you feel more secure.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

All part of you estaboishing boundaries and putting your foot down. Tell him, and tell him exactly why. 

Believe it or not, I *told* my wife she should have an emergency escape fund, just in case some unthinkable event occurred, because when my first wife left me, she cleaned me out "for fear I would prevent her from accessing any money..."

Current wife eventually just rolled the money into our account. What's ironically funny is, *then* I found out she'd been cheating...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Now why is it, if a husband did this, you'd all be screaming abuse?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

F-102 said:


> Now why is it, if a husband did this, you'd all be screaming abuse?


:iagree:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

michzz said:


> :iagree:


See this is where I 'question' myself. Is it a 'need' for security with a little nest egg or is it just avoidance of being a big girl and setting a boundary? If I am honest with myself, it's being sneaky to avoid a fight over something a believe in rather than my 'fears' from past. Arghh it is bugging me. I can have my nest egg - I can give him half and 'rebuild'. He wouldn't expect me to share saving with him. I will share. But now that I've put myself in this pickle, do I 'pretend' it just arrived and share or bite the bullet and tell the truth that I've hid it for a year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Put it away and act like it doesn't exist.
You can hand it down to the next generation if it's not needed.

Didn't you say your marriage was rocky?
Then of course you wouldn't have told him about your inheritance, because at the time it wasn't any of his business that you had a bit of walk-away money.

My H had money put aside in his own name only, I said nothing about it...but when he took money out of a joint account, more than what we had agreed on, and put it in an investment vehicle with his name only, I was upset. Also, I discovered that the power of attorney he had 'lost' prior to deployment and 'found' only the day before leaving, was not a general document but contingent on prisoner of war status or death or missing in action. And when we signed on the house loan and documents, he did not tell me I'd be signing a quit claim until we went in to the closing. So the house is only in his name. 

That's different and it is abusive and controlling. 
By law, your inheritance is yours alone, and it is not a huge amount. There is absolutely no reason why you should even need to mention it to him and feel one inkling of guilt at not mentioning it at all. A normal H would say, I am sorry your (relative) died. You must miss her. It's so sweet she remembered you in that way. Then he would not mention the $ because it is not his. If that's not the reaction you expect to get, why even open the can of worms.

Don't worry about avoiding confrontation. Think of it as conserving energy when you realize that you will be wasting it by disclosure. There are plenty of people I'd like to have it out with sometimes, but I realize it's useless and I avoid them because I can and it doesn't interfere with my day to day life, and won't, ever. 

This thread has reminded me I have some banking to do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

To me, this is not about $900. It's about being honest with your spouse.

You don't have to share it with him, but hiding it from him is the issue. Stick in the bank, buy savings bonds, some silver coins, something. But cash laying around gets too tempting to spend.

The first thought he will have once he discovers it on his own is "what else is she hiding from me?"


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Now why is it, if a husband did this, you'd all be screaming abuse?


I clearly posted that there was a man here a while back who asked the same question and I said without question, he should stash the cash.
An inheritance is an inheritance. It isn't community property. Period.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> To me, this is not about $900. It's about being honest with your spouse.
> 
> You don't have to share it with him, but hiding it from him is the issue. Stick in the bank, buy savings bonds, some silver coins, something. But cash laying around gets too tempting to spend.
> 
> The first thought he will have once he discovers it on his own is "what else is she hiding from me?"


Agreed. I didn't mean to suggest she should hide it. Stash the cash meant she should save it for herself.
It doesn't matter what the amount is. An inheritance is something that is given to you by a living or deceased person who wanted YOU to have the money. That is why the courts view it as non-marital property. It is the receivers to do what they wish.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I clearly posted that there was a man here a while back who asked the same question and I said without question, he should stash the cash.
> An inheritance is an inheritance. It isn't community property. Period.


True, but it should not be a secret.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> True, but it should not be a secret.


I restated what I meant. No way should it be a secret. Stash the cash was more of a keep it for yourself vs. splitting it.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

My husband had his "cash stash"; it seemed important to him to have it. I knew where it was, he openly took money out of it periodically for various reasons, but it was his stash. When he passed away last year, it became my stash and I moved it from where he kept it to a safer place. It never caused hard feelings between us. I had a checking account that although it was joint, it was known to be mine.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It is your money. Put it away.

Since when do you have to give your spouse 50% of something that belongs to you?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> It is your money. Put it away.
> 
> Since when do you have to give your spouse 50% of something that belongs to you?


when you got married!

check the law


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> It is your money. Put it away.
> 
> Since when do you have to give your spouse 50% of something that belongs to you?


There ain't a man alive coming out of divorce court with his tail between his legs who didn't believe that once.

What's the old saying?

"What's mine is MINE and what's his is OURS."


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> when you got married!
> 
> check the law


The law is very clear that an inheritance is 100% the property of the person who inherited it. It isn't marital assets.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The law is very clear that an inheritance is 100% the property of the person who inherited it. It isn't marital assets.


I have thought hard about this and this is what I'm going to do. I read in another thread, is this the hill I'm ready to 'die' on and it isn't. $900 isn't the world. The hurt it will cause isn't worth $900. Part of my need for nest egg or stash of cash isn't because of my current husband (we have issues for sure but not where I would feel emergency desire to escape), that was from my past. I am splitting it 50/50. He can build his own nest egg. My son and I are working on a sideline venture and I am using that for and all profits I keep for my own 'mad money' stash.
I agree I need my own funds and he does too. But I need to be honest about it. It's 450 bucks. I need to stick up for myself. I'm not asking for anything I'm not willing to accept him doing. I'm coming clean. I'm explaining why I did it and hoping to build forth with some trust and understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The law is very clear that an inheritance is 100% the property of the person who inherited it. It isn't marital assets.


If you inherited it while you are married then its both of theirs.

at least in PA


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

I sent mine (about the same amount, from my Grandmother's estate) to my IRA. I didn't tell him, and I do not feel bad about it. I have almost no assets of my own, so I feel better with it there.


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