# Wife Having Affair With Soccer Dad



## SidSmith9000 (Jul 10, 2012)

My wife and I are in the midst of a divorce and she's having an affair with a married soccer dad on my daughter's team. My problem is my daughter is best friends with his daughter. I have 99% certainty of the affair (I've never caught them in the act, but I'm not dumb) and both he and she are incredibly nervous I'm going to blow their little secret to smithereens. 

Amazingly enough, my wife is the one who filed for divorce and has made me look like a monster while carrying on her affair with scumbag. I have had to work nights to make ends meet during our 17 year marriage. He has a wealthy family business so money was a huge attraction. He basically seduced my kid by taking her everywhere and spending money on her. So it's probably not a surprise that once my kid was seduced, my wife fell for him as well. I read a quote that I think is true . . . "Your character creates your destiny." I had already caught her twice having EA with other men, so why did I think she would ever stop. That's where I was stupid. But hey, I have two kids under the age of 13, so I wanted to protect them from a broken home.

Now she filed for divorce and I had to pay $5k for an attorney to protect me. I have wondered what to do so many times. Soccer dad knows I know and has run from me like a little dog on more than one occasion when he thought I was coming to confront him. And she gets really nervous when I hint that I might be ready to hit the BIG RED TELL ALL BUTTON! My emotions run from beating the crap out of him and telling his wife -- to just letting it go because my wife's a wh**e and soccer dad has the serpent-gall to sleep with a married soccer mom. 

If I go berserk, I run the risk of legal trouble as CA is a no fault state. I am wondering how many of you would just let Karma takes its course and watch then implode, or would you let MY WIFE know in no uncertain terms that I will be telling his wife (who would be shattered) . . . even though I only have 99% certainty. 

All I can say is I doubt your wife will ever be contrite enough to make you feel safe again. Mine didn't, even after I had caught her twice before having an EA. I only stayed in it for the kids sake. Over the last five years since the first EA, I was always in pain wondering how do I act towards someone I can't trust? To be honest, she died to me after Round 1. The wall went up and I never let her back in. If a wife is willing to secretly go and trash her husband to another man while he is busting it to make ends meet, she ain't worth it -- even though it hurts really bad to come to grips that your family, as you know it, is dead. I hate divorce and the torment it has brought to me. But in the end, I will heal and she will HELL! I will love again, and her character WILL create her destiny!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What evidence do you have? Is there a chance that you can gather more evidence? The more you have, the better during exposure.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell scocar dads wife.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Get irrefutable evidence and expose the A.

So sorry you're dealing with this...

What is with these women and fooling around with the fathers of their kids friends? Ugh.

I agree that your character creates your destiny. Her A will crash and burn and she will soon realize that her integrity and her family were too big of a price to pay for some cheap admiration and sex from a sleazebag.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

I'd blow the top off as long as you have proof (emails, texts, recorded phone messages, etc). Forward all that to his wife and her parents, pull up a seat, and watch the fireworks begin!

Geez... I have so little sympathy for these people


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Gather as much evidence as you can and tell Soccer Dads wife. She deserves to know what is going on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He has already decided to dump the woman, so why crush the other wife? Explosure is in the effort to reconcile--here it would just be vindictive. My guess is that the other wife knows but isn't ready to do anything about it--does she deserve to have her hand foirced? 

OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation, and it sounds like the two of you needed marriage counseling a long time ago, after her first EA. Not getting past that has made everything much worse. BUT, in the interest of getting on with your life--yeah, be angry and bitter and get it out of your system. For the sake of you kids, you eventually need to let go of this anger (and for your own sake, too), but letting it out is an important part of that process. 

Do not let the anger obscure the fact that you also made mistakes (not on the magnitude of hers, of course) and you will want to address that with yourself eventually, or you will repeat these mistakes in the future. But that's for a time when you have gotten through the divorce process itself and before you take up with anyone new. 

Again, sorry to hear about this--and yes, one's character will determine one's destiny. Good luck moving forward.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> He has already decided to dump the woman, so why crush the other wife?


She has the right to know that her husband is a cheating scumbag, whether you think she's privy or not.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> tell scocar dads wife.




Yes, do this.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds like you have enough evidence to talk to the guys wife. She is probably suspicious as well and may have more evidence. Telling her isn't being vindictive. It is just the right thing to do.

If she already knows, then it won't be a big deal to talk to her. If she doesn't know, then she deserves to. I think if you ask anybody, they would tell you that they would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> He has already decided to dump the woman, so why crush the other wife? Explosure is in the effort to reconcile--here it would just be vindictive. My guess is that the other wife knows but isn't ready to do anything about it--does she deserve to have her hand foirced?


I disagree, the messenger is not the one who crushed the OMW, it was her cheating husband who did that. Guessing is not good enough and her hand has already been forced by her cheating husband.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> He has already decided to dump the woman, so why crush the other wife? Explosure is in the effort to reconcile--here it would just be vindictive. My guess is that the other wife knows but isn't ready to do anything about it--does she deserve to have her hand foirced?


Exposing to the other wife would have nothing to do with the OP reconciling with his wife. I'm of the opinion that, if you see a person heading for a cliff, you give that person some warning. It would be incredibly selfish to think that, since that person falling to his death wouldn't affect me, I'll just see what happens.

Also, the OP has no power to force the other wife to do anything. If she already knows about the affair, and the OP tells her, then nothing has changed. She still knows. She doesn't have to act at all.

If she doesn't know about the affair, then I think she deserves to know. Refusing to notify her because she "probably" knows, or she "should" know is just selfish. Once she knows the current state of her marriage, she will be free to choose any course of action she sees fit.


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## SidSmith9000 (Jul 10, 2012)

After I caught my wife having EA with two other men, when she did it this time she went completely covert. I sensed something was wrong as she began to sleep on the other side of the bed, completely shutting me down, almost hanging off the bed for the last three months, and then she began to blow through our money, which I believe was her way of trying to make me file, which I didn't. My evidence of the affair is strongly circumstantial, but it is enough where I KNOW both of them are scared to to death of my suspicions. As this point I have only told her, "I know a lot." That has been enough to cause her and him to shutter at the thought of being "outed." In her mind I was always right when I caught her before, so because of that, she has every reason to believe I have irrefutable proof now. However, because I don't have 100%, do you tell the scumbag's wife that I have great suspicion that this affair is going on just to put her on notice so she can begin her investigation? Or do I leave it alone and hop on the Karma Bus knowing she is on a dead end street which will eventually lead to destruction? "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." I am also concerned about myself that focusing on retribution will cause me to become obsessed about my stbxf and slow my healing process and prevent me from moving forward. The divorce isn't final yet, so I was going to wait until it was to start applying maximum heat. My kid is involved with scumbag's family, so I feel as if I need to tell my stbxf that I will not keep silent about her deception.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't tell your wife anything!

Telling the OMW is not going to throw your divorce off track. 

Quit making excuses.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

From your first POST you wrote:

"All I can say is I doubt your wife will ever be contrite enough to make you feel safe again. Mine didn't, even after I had caught her twice before having an EA. I only stayed in it for the kids sake. Over the last five years since the first EA"

She is a serial cheater have 3 affair in the last 5 years. 

Nothing else to say !! -- except tell OMW -- she deserves to know !!

Good Luck !!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Don't tell your wife that you are going to tell the OM's wife. She will tell the husband and he will warn his wife about the 'nutjob' that will be contacting her. 

Don't think that you are doing this for retribution. 

Do this because the wife deserves to know!

If she knows, wouldn't you want her to tell you?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Throw those 2 *********s under the bus already! Dual purpose! To inform OMW and to gain a little restitution...JMO.


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## SidSmith9000 (Jul 10, 2012)

By the way, I deeply thank all of you for caring enough to respond. I guess my question is . . . to keep me out of trouble legally (restraining orders, etc) before the divorce has ended, should I wait til the divorce is final before I move to tell scumbag's wife?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How is informing a woman of the truth violating anything?

Tell her now.

If you had told OMW of the affair when you first found out, you would have stood a chance at breaking up the affair and not having to go through divorce.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> He has already decided to dump the woman, so why crush the other wife? Explosure is in the effort to reconcile--here it would just be vindictive. My guess is that the other wife knows but isn't ready to do anything about it--does she deserve to have her hand foirced?
> 
> OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation, and it sounds like the two of you needed marriage counseling a long time ago, after her first EA. Not getting past that has made everything much worse. BUT, in the interest of getting on with your life--yeah, be angry and bitter and get it out of your system. For the sake of you kids, you eventually need to let go of this anger (and for your own sake, too), but letting it out is an important part of that process.
> 
> ...


I have to wholly disagree. Here the affair was likely long term. If she didn't sleep with him then I doubt she would jump to the big D because she probably wanted to taste the goods before jumping ship. I mean seriously logic dictates that this is a long term EA turned PA and she is jumping ship. Why tell the OM wife. Because if you were in her shoes wouldn't you want to know. Anyone that participates in hiding an Affair is part of the problem. Especially if you went to the wedding and saw them take their vows. How many friendships have ended because they came out after an A happened and said I suspected but didn't say anything. 
Tell the OM wife if you find any concrete proof if you don't then contact her and tell her what you suspect is going on. At least you can save the OM wife from finding out by walking in early one day finding your wife bent over the couch. (especially if she has a gun carry permit.) 
If you are not exposing an A you are participating in it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you should have some evidence before you talk to the OMW. Otherwise that OM will just lie that you were a bitter ex trying to hurt his wife and he was caught in the cross fire. Definitely expose both of them, but get some evidence first


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Telling the OMW in a clam respectful way will not get you in trouble with the law. It will make you wife angry, but she's already divorcing you, treating you like trash and no doubt pulling your daughter away from you.

Stop being controlled by fear and her and do the right thing by informing the OMW what you wife is doing with her husband. What she does with the knowledge is her business, but she has the right to know.

Heck, send her a regusted letter , include your phone if she wans to talk to you and say you won't be bothering her again, but of she wants to talk with you she should feel free to contact you.

Do not mention it to your wife either before or after you send it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The only people in the entire world that don't want the wife to know is the OM and your wife. Everyone else in the world will want the wife to know the truth.

Be prepared though. You tell the OM's wife and the chances are pretty good that the OM will break up with your wife. Then she may come crawling back to you, telling you how sorry she is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> How is informing a woman of the truth violating anything?
> 
> Tell her now.
> 
> If you had told OMW of the affair when you first found out, you would have stood a chance at breaking up the affair and not having to go through divorce.


He just has gut instinct as evidence.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Try to get some evidence, then expose the A to the world.

Use a VAR, key logger and a GPS this can give you the evidence you needed for exposure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he targeted your daughter, not your wife? 

That makes me somewhat nervous...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell BW your serial cheater, serpent of STXW is dangerous for her family, she's trying to replace her, she's a gold digger. Encourage her to snoop and gather evidence before confrontation. Be gentle with her. Tell her you though she needed to protect herself at all levels from them, tell her you doubted yourself for a while but decided she had to know and regain the control she is being robbed. Be very calm, they (MOM, WW) will paint you as the monster/vindicative who can't stand his failings and consequent divorce. Just inform her and then back off.
There's nothing illegal with this.
Hopely you will kill the affair. *Do you relly want this scumbag to help your wife to tuck your daughter?* The likelyhood is MOM will drop our STBX like a hot potato. Finnaly your daugher will suffer some consequences becuase BW won't permit them to remain friends.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

When you call the OMW, you don't have to make unequivocal statements or accusations. Just ask, "Do you think there's something going on between my wife and your husband?"

Chances are she might have the same thoughts, or at least more information. Between your circumstantial evidence and her circumstantial evidence, you will have more.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Lets break this down. Ok you are going to divorce. 1. You have to be concerned about your daughter and what she will be exposed to when you are not there. You just said he groomed your daughter to get to your wife.

Next is the other mans wife deserves to know. Also you should think about exposing becuase she is going to make your life hell with her family and yours by exposing her you make her look like the POS she is.

What proof do you have? Another question have you had sex with your wife at all in the last few months. I hate to say it this way but if you both have been banging your wife. You are at risk at some level for an STD.

You also need to take care of yourself have you talked to an IC yet. Have you confided in a friend to help you talk things out.

Evidence is not hard to find. 1. look at your cell bills. call and texts to him. Check FB messages. Go to your picture file on your home computer and just click on recently changed. A VAR in the car one or two days it is all there

Expose!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Phil,

You have been given good advice.

I think it would be simple to collect some evidence and let the OMW's know what is going on in her marriage.

It is not a question of revenge it is just a spouse doing the right thing to help out another battered spouse.

So sorry your wife turned out to be such a selfish person.

Take comfort in your daughter and do not let her fall prey to this OM.

That is a valuable lesson that you can teach your daughter!

HM64


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

become a dodgeball Dad and tell his wife


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

I might not understand something, but why on Earth would you concentrate on reveiling her affair with the scumbag? Havent you got tired of splashing in this swamp of her affairs for 17 years? Because she dared to involve your kids into this life full of ugly things they don't understand yet but already can feel that something's going wrong?

So, you'd better get out of there first, and then pull your kids out. 
Thinking about telling or not and of the sufficient proof of her affair, you stay in this swamp, while the main thing to do is to take care of yourself first, and when you are fine, sane, calm, and sure you are able to make write decisions about your future and the future of your kids, it will be the time to save your children from a mother who makes no model to follow. 

And you are still thinking of the minor and insignificant part of a possible revenge. She will never change. And continuing to be the part of her life, interested and showing your interest to her dirty life you just waste time which could be spent for your personal healing.

In the airline instruction it is said that the parent must first put on the mask in case of emergency, and then put a mask on a child. Otherwise both may die. you are the only sane parent left, she cant think of anybody exept her glourious self.

Use the time before the D to get rid of the mess in your mind, to calm down, to cure your ego, and if you feel really bad and this situation with soccer dad pressing on you - act whith proof or without it, do it quick and forget it.

remember, she is a serial cheeter and if it hadn't been this man, there would've been another, it makes no difference.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Siberia said:


> I might not understand something, but why on Earth would you concentrate on reveiling her affair with the scumbag? Havent you got tired of splashing in this swamp of her affairs for 17 years? Because she dared to involve your kids into this life full of ugly things they don't understand yet but already can feel that something's going wrong?
> 
> So, you'd better get out of there first, and then pull your kids out.
> Thinking about telling or not and of the sufficient proof of her affair, you stay in this swamp, while the main thing to do is to take care of yourself first, and when you are fine, sane, calm, and sure you are able to make write decisions about your future and the future of your kids, it will be the time to save your children from a mother who makes no model to follow.
> ...


Did you just come here from another site? You know, the ones where they don't want cheaters exposed.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

What you are doing now trying to create problems for Vasya (that's how we in Russia call a man sleeping with the other nan's wife)? You are tickling her VIP feeling.
She would be rather happy to know two mooses butt each other for the prise of her precious piece of A. And if you win, causing much trouble for her lover, she will rush back to you, because her behaviour is no longer human, it's animal like, so if you proved to be stronger, she would behave a good moose female and come back prolonging the agony of your marriage and destroying the psychic of your children completely, ruining your health. 
You don't sleep enough, do you? And some cordial problems? Repetitive thoughts? You are lessenning you life and the chances of your children to be with resonal, strong, healthy dad, caring and protective.


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Dude you need to get this out in the open. Your child is over there while this is going on. I would simply ask the wife to sit down with you and lsy it all out to her and also ask that she keep an eye on your child while over there as you cannot. Gl hope it goes well for you either way don't let her back you don't need a woman like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Siberia said:


> What you are doing now trying to create problems for Vasya (that's how we in Russia call a man sleeping with the other nan's wife)? You are tickling her VIP feeling.
> She would be rather happy to know two mooses butt each other for the prise of her precious piece of A. And if you win, causing much trouble for her lover, she will rush back to you, because her behaviour is no longer human, it's animal like, so if you proved to be stronger, she would behave a good moose female and come back prolonging the agony of your marriage and destroying the psychic of your children completely, ruining your health.
> You don't sleep enough, do you? And some cordial problems? Repetitive thoughts? You are lessenning you life and the chances of your children to be with resonal, strong, healthy dad, caring and protective.


Very Strange have you been hanging out at Docool? The other mans wife deserves to know. His family desrves to know. His soon to be ex wife's parents should know. He will have to deal with them for the rest of his life and it is important for them to know he did not run out on his family. 

She is not going to get any ejoyment about her affair being exposed but in the long run it may make her a better parent.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Did you just come here from another site? You know, the ones where they don't want cheaters exposed.



No. Cheeting is a betrayal of the family. A horrable did. No justification. 
Espessially because it has effect on children in marriage.
Her affair can't be forgiven or justified.
But sometimes punnishing the cheeter is not the thing to do ASAP. Revenge is the dish to be served cold.
I ment the OP is now spending much effort and health. And i wrote, if he feels ready and right to spend his effort now, let him not think too much of this, just do it and move on, there are many important things to do, and the first one is to breack all the links with this woman, stop living over and over her life with her, go your way and save the kids (doughters) from the example their mother sets for them.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

SidSmith9000 said:


> By the way, I deeply thank all of you for caring enough to respond. I guess my question is . . . to keep me out of trouble legally (restraining orders, etc) before the divorce has ended, should I wait til the divorce is final before I move to tell scumbag's wife?


WHAT?!?!? NO!!!!! And will you stop "hinting" that you "might" expose?!?!? All you're doing right now is giving them time to get their story straight. So, if you expose to the OMW they have a iron clad viable and believable story to tell the OMW. Making you out to be the crazy husband that excuses his wife of sleeping with everyone in town and just to ignore you.

Don't "hint", don't give them a warning or a heads up. Just do it!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SidSmith9000 said:


> By the way, I deeply thank all of you for caring enough to respond. I guess my question is . . . to keep me out of trouble legally (restraining orders, etc) before the divorce has ended, should I wait til the divorce is final before I move to tell scumbag's wife?


Ask your lawyer.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

Of course, the wife of that mmmmm... person deserves to know the truth. It'r the right thing to do to inform her and all the others.
But what is the OP doing now? Thinking and thinking over and over how would he come to the wife of the scumbag, what he would say and how, enough or not enough proof... He is eating himself, while the thing is to do it yesterday and quit this torture for him and for that poor woman, probably suspecting her husband and eating herself. Too much though and indecision.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm sensing some govno in the air.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

mahike said:


> She is not going to get any ejoyment about her affair being exposed but in the long run it may make her a better parent.


You mean make her a better MOTHERRRRRR? You must be joking? With a long history of other men during the marriage? With the fact she might be using her daughter to cover her affair? Nothing helps. You must be a very kind person, and i like that positive thinking.

What i'm trying to do is to make the OP to take any desision and do it and forget it, or not do it now and forget it for some time and bewear of the possible cosequences of public disgrace and humiliation of both of the cheeters and be ready.

Where would she go after everyone knows about her affair? She would rush back to her husband ex or ont ex yet to show everyone there was a mistake and he accepted her back. She would use all her feminine weapon to be forgiven and taken back to look not so ugly in the eyes of the society.
Is he strong enough to resist?
If not, and he feels that, it's not high time to reveil the affair, but it's time to fortify. And to reveil the affair when he is ready to face her come back.
Judjing by the time it takes the OP to take this decision, it's now a painful one, otherwise he would have done it already and moved on to solve the bunch of other problems.
Her comeback is logical reaction to making the facts publick, let the OP be ready.
That' you who would be ashamed and completely ruind after reveiling such affair, because you are a kind person and a good mother, not her - a multiple cheeter, she is shameless.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I'm sensing some govno in the air.


Oh gush! don' touch it!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Judjing by the time it takes the OP to take this decision, it's now a painful one, otherwise he would have done it already and moved on to solve the bunch of other problems.


OP is weighting the pro/cons, wich is the wise thing to do. He came to a site full of poeple who BTDT. Not everybody knows inmediately what to do and is decisive enough to do it without giving a secong thought. There's probable legal consecuences who might delay the divorce HE wants. Maybe he's too involved in a raw, painful situation he didn't ask for to make a decision with out advice.


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

tell her .. there is no reason to wait till after the divorce .. call her up and ask her to meet you for coffee and you can tell her everything .. i am in the same position and i am planning on doing the same thing


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> How is informing a woman of the truth violating anything?
> 
> Tell her now.
> 
> If you had told OMW of the affair when you first found out, you would have stood a chance at breaking up the affair and not having to go through divorce.


I totally agree with Bandit on this one. The wife of my ex's OM found out about their EA early on and had him write a NC letter to my ex; however, she never informed me and they took their affair (which turned PA) underground for the next two years. Had she informed me, things might've have turned out differently for both our families.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> She has the right to know that her husband is a cheating scumbag, whether you think she's privy or not.


Not to mention the fact that, regardless of the "highgrounders" here, vengeance is sweet. In this case, you get to combine a good deed (exposure) with the vengeance. What's not to like?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Not to mention the fact that, regardless of the "highgrounders" here, vengeance is sweet. In this case, you get to combine a good deed (exposure) with the vengeance. What's not to like?


:iagree:

So what if you get some satisfaction out of exposing the OM and your WW? Why is that supposed to be so bad? We've become so politically correct.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He has a wealthy family business so money was a huge attraction. He basically seduced my kid by taking her everywhere and spending money on her. So it's probably not a surprise that once my kid was seduced, my wife fell for him as well.


Is your daughter old enough to understand that this scumbag was trying to buy her off to get to her mother? At this moment i would be concerned about this the most. 

Your wife is probably going to try and paint you as a monster of some sort to your daughter. I hope you are prepared to get your claws in the open. 

Also, this targeting of the daughter makes me a little uncomfortable. I know i wouldn't be feeling very safe with that. 

I would expose this right in the open. If not for something else for the sake of your daughter's safety and your relation with the child.


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## Siberia (Jul 10, 2012)

All for exposing her affair.
It is one of the tags in the long list of the things to be done in your ling-term strategy on the way to new and happy life. You have one, don't you?
It looks like this:
1/ done
2/done
3/ Inform my relatives of what's doing on. - done. Crossed of the list.
4 Tell his wife, his bosses and his relatives. - Arrising question: When? - Answer: consult the lowyer. Lowyer sais - Now or any time you wish - reaction: do it now; - done, crossed of the list. lawyer sais - later (two days befor the D, after the D,...) - reaction: put it in your scadule and stop thinking of it untill the time comes.
5.
...
...
n) ignor her message attack
n+1) stay calm and never react her hysterics
n+2) not be surprised by her sudden change into a friendly and loving person. Take it for granted but never take her back
n+3) don't trust her playing good mother it will soon end
n+4) stay calm and never react her hysterics and desperate attempts to make you responsible for her infidelity.
1000 - done.
Your happy life as you see it and as you planned it to be.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SidSmith9000 said:


> By the way, I deeply thank all of you for caring enough to respond. I guess my question is . . . to keep me out of trouble legally (restraining orders, etc) before the divorce has ended, should I wait til the divorce is final before I move to tell scumbag's wife?


Telling OMW will carry no legal ramifications. So long as any evidence you send to her was not gathered illegally. IE secret video tapes, wire tapping, and cracking into his computer. 
Everything else is pretty much fair game at this point. 
You will accomplish a lot by telling the OMW. 
A) You ruin his reputation with his W and force him to pay the piper.
B) His W has the same opportunity to grow, move on , and find someone that truly will love her and be loyal to her.
C)WW and OM now have to deal with the guilt at the same time. Stressing a superficial relationship and taking all of the fun out of it.
D) You get to have some dignity back. Especially if OMW is appreciative and if she was a loyal spouse she could be a good woman to ask out on a date. (after she D the OM that is.) 

I really could keep going but there are not many negatives here. Oh by telling the OMW you are not ruining his life. He did that when he decided to dittle your wife.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

In my opinion, the only reason I might consider not telling is because this gives you leverage in the divorce and helps keep her in the fog where being with this guy is a "good idea and she's getting what she wants". As you've seen, when she's thinking like that, everything else just doesn't seem to matter all that much and she'll give in more to your wants in the divorce out of some guilt. She obviously isn't thinking long term. 

I'd still do it though once the divorce is finalized. Once the papers are signed and executed, I'd go to town and wreck her bubble. Go very public with exactly why you are divorcing. And gently inform your daughter so she can make her own decisions... bet she already sees it too that Mom spends more time and is better friends with Mr. Money. As she gets older, she'll really start understanding and your WW will have a lot of reckoning to do with your daughter once she sees how she and her friendships were used to further her mothers adultery. Teenage girls already have mother issues, this will make it so much worse.... This is where you can just be there for her helping her through that pain of betrayal.


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## SidSmith9000 (Jul 10, 2012)

Racer said:


> In my opinion, the only reason I might consider not telling is because this gives you leverage in the divorce and helps keep her in the fog where being with this guy is a "good idea and she's getting what she wants". As you've seen, when she's thinking like that, everything else just doesn't seem to matter all that much and she'll give in more to your wants in the divorce out of some guilt. She obviously isn't thinking long term.
> 
> I'd still do it though once the divorce is finalized. Once the papers are signed and executed, I'd go to town and wreck her bubble. Go very public with exactly why you are divorcing. And gently inform your daughter so she can make her own decisions... bet she already sees it too that Mom spends more time and is better friends with Mr. Money. As she gets older, she'll really start understanding and your WW will have a lot of reckoning to do with your daughter once she sees how she and her friendships were used to further her mothers adultery. Teenage girls already have mother issues, this will make it so much worse.... This is where you can just be there for her helping her through that pain of betrayal.


Thanks so much, Racer -- and others. I only have 99% confidence I'm right about the affair because I have no emails, text messages, or "catching her in the act." My evidence is strongly circumstantial. When she left me and filed for divorce, she took, the computer, as well as furniture in the house when I wasn't home. As time went on I finally figured it out that she and him were carrying on the big secret because of her irrational actions, which made it pretty obvious to me what was going on. Also, when I bring up him and her, she never protests with, "What are you talking about? Are you crazy! "She always just shuts up at the mention of me pressing the issue of outing him to his wife." I then get a text message from her later saying what a nice guy I am. Also, the OM has run from my presence many times now that he realizes that I know. They don't know how much I know, but he's good at hiding or escaping when he knows I will be present. I do not know his wife at all, so I am concerned she will not approach this in the right way when informed and merely blow me off as the crazy one. I know my wife has probably told her I'm nuts, and her husband, being so scared, may have already tried to run interference. That's why I'm looking for wisdom. Most people on this post have said, "Just talk to the wife no matter what .... don't worry about the consequences." That makes me a little uncomfortable as I'm not sure what the backlash would be after telling her. I am a believer that what's done in secret will eventually come out, but this mess has cost me a lot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd seriously consider paying a little for a good PI to get the goods on them. It would be very satisfactory value for the money, especially since she is going to using this relationship with the OM to pull your daughter away from you. It's pretty obvious her plan is to eventually replace you with him,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ss9000

You are too nice.

Sometime in the near future you should force a confrontation with everyone in the same room.

Then again your wife turned into a real piece of work and she is right. You are too nice.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please warn the poor women about the train wreck coming her way.

The OMW can deside what to do what ever she wants with the info.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'd seriously consider paying a little for a good PI to get the goods on them. It would be very satisfactory value for the money, especially since she is going to using this relationship with the OM to pull your daughter away from you. It's pretty obvious her plan is to eventually replace you with him,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

A PI is his only remaining hope now. She was smart enough to take the computer and all incriminating evidence with her when she left, so a keylogger and VAR are no longer options. 

This particular cheating WW is very cruel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are no consequences in telling a woman your wife is divorcing you and is sleeping with her husband. Legal or otherwise. There IS the satisfaction in knowing that you did something good for someone - gave OM's wife information she needed to make a knowledgeable decision.

To that end, you also owe it to your WIFE's family and YOUR family to let them know why you are divorcing. I promise you, she has spared NO restraint in telling them what SHE thinks is the reason.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SidSmith9000 said:


> I do not know his wife at all, so I am concerned she will not approach this in the right way when informed and merely blow me off as the crazy one. I know my wife has probably told her I'm nuts, and her husband, being so scared, may have already tried to run interference. That's why I'm looking for wisdom. Most people on this post have said, "Just talk to the wife no matter what .... don't worry about the consequences." That makes me a little uncomfortable as I'm not sure what the backlash would be after telling her. I am a believer that what's done in secret will eventually come out, but this mess has cost me a lot.


Regardless of whether the OM's wife believes you, or not, you should still tell her. If she believes you, then she has an accurate picture of her marriage and can act accordingly. If she doesn't, at least you will have tried to help her. You will have done the right thing.

As far as backlash, the OM probably won't like you as much as he currently does. Is that a problem for you? Also, there might be some issues of you looking petty in your custody case, which could hurt you. So, you should talk it over with your lawyer before proceeding. If he gives you the green light, then go ahead.

Good luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> A PI is his only remaining hope now. She was smart enough to take the computer and all incriminating evidence with her when she left, so a keylogger and VAR are no longer options.
> 
> This particular cheating WW is very cruel.


She must be an old timer at Cool's.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sid,
Is adultery a factor in your state for CS, alimony, property split, and/or custody?

If it is, countersue with grounds of adultery and name OM as paramour.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

WW-OM are planning it very carefully. They are going to nail BW to the wall. They surely have a lawyers advice. At this point is all about the money, logistics and timing. They want the house, skip alymony... They won't stop at anything. They are likely gaslighting and setting up BW to their adventage.
This man want your daughter call him daddy. Try your best to prevent it.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Brother, 
Another man is trying to take your family. Your daughter. Get off your a$$ and do something about it. Your marriage maybe shot but go down fighting. At least fight for your daughter. Let me ask you this, if the situations were reversed and you were cheating would your wife just sit there and wrong her hands wondering what to do. Answer is no, she would be making your life hell. Repay the favor
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sounds like OM purchased your family. Think about your daughter telling OM how much she loves her NEW daddy. Repeat that over and over in your mind.

Now get out there and fight.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SidSmith9000 said:


> By the way, I deeply thank all of you for caring enough to respond. I guess my question is . . . to keep me out of trouble legally (restraining orders, etc) before the divorce has ended, should I wait til the divorce is final before I move to tell scumbag's wife?


No dont wait tell her now


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Sounds like you have enough evidence to talk to the guys wife. She is probably suspicious as well and may have more evidence. Telling her isn't being vindictive. It is just the right thing to do.
> 
> If she already knows, then it won't be a big deal to talk to her. If she doesn't know, then she deserves to. I think if you ask anybody, they would tell you that they would want to know if their spouse was cheating on them.


Yes it is the right thing to do.

But seriously ... for all those PC folks out there who play by some kind of nice guy rules ... what is wrong with blowing up a situation like this?

I mean is being "vindictive" worse than someone breaking their vows? I am sorry but people in this world need to be culpable for what they do.

Hate me if you like but scorched earth would work for me just fine.
In this case it is also the right thing to do. 

Why should cheaters get a free pass? If this happened to me it would be a lot more than an inconvenience. All things have a cost to them. 

Yeah, yeah, if revenge is in your heart dig two graves. That is fine. But to go out of ones way to be overly meek and accepting of being used is very weak. We should hold people accountable. Exposure is all about the truth.

"Do not go gentle into that good night." -- Dylan Thomas


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> But seriously ... for all those PC folks out there who play by some kind of nice guy rules ... what is wrong with blowing up a situation like this?
> 
> I mean is being "vindictive" worse than someone breaking their vows? I am sorry but people in this world need to be culpable for what they do.


You seriously think it's wise to advise the OP to focus more on revenge against his stbx than he does on maximizing his custody/visitation with his kids and minimizing his support/alimony obligations? I'll simply say that I disagree. I think his primary focus should be on positioning himself in as favorable a light as possible for the legal battle to come.

If he can create mischief for his stbx without harming his standing with the court, then he should feel free. But that's often not the case. He should discuss his goals and potential actions with his lawyer rather than internet cheerleaders who may, or may not, have his best interests at heart.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> But seriously ... for all those PC folks out there who play by some kind of nice guy rules ... what is wrong with blowing up a situation like this?


Well, I’m anything but PC and prefer Dresden firebombing techniques... There is one exception, and it is far from nice; If you want a divorce, and they are so deep in that fog that they’ll give up everything to make their fantasy ‘come true’... You use that sh1t to your advantage. This is particularly effective with those foggy WS’s who deep down feel a ton of guilt and shame; They want it to end so they won’t really have to face it. They’ll sign anything you put in front of them if it means they can walk without having to admit their sin. These are the ‘flee’ type personalities... His wife sounds like a ‘flee’ person as does her MOM. In her mind, its possible that slip of paper represents that she’s no longer a bad person... She wants that paper as quickly as possible to get rid of those ‘bad feelings’. 

Why it isn’t nice is that we all know a divorce decree is a binding contract that effects the rest of your life. If she’ll sign away so you get everything you want based on a screwed up fantasy we all know can’t survive the light of day, she’ll be stuck with it; Shattered dreams. Somewhere down the road, that Karma bus is going to plow over her when she figures out what she gave up that she could have fought for. She’ll find out the hard way, those bad feelings actually get worse when its final and the glamour of the affair is worn off. She hasn’t thought it through. When she’s single, she won’t hide this anymore. She hasn’t thought about how everyone else around her will see her now; Adulterous loose woman. Women will scorn her and men will try to get in her pants knowing she lacks morals. And on the flip side, it may not hit... They may both get divorced and marry living happily ever after. Doesn’t matter to you though, you got what you wanted out of the divorce. 

Its also not nice because you are throwing the other betrayed wife under the bus and leaving her in the dark so you get what you want. It’s a selfish move. Hence why I’d also go public after its over and do it publically..

If she’s an ‘entitled princess’, you just have to fight it... You’ll need a totally different approach with those kinds. And go mid-evil on it to crush them. Based on what he wrote though, it doesn’t sound like she’s wanting to pick a fight and destroy him. She sounds like a ‘flee’ person and avoider. And he's trying to get out.... The Dresden firebomb is about waking them up to what horrible people they've become; That's more in tune with trying R and getting your spouse to question themselves and their actions. If you are trying to escape, you don't want her thinking about 'how wrong' she is... you want to encourage her to get out of it as quickly as possible too.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I would like to point out that the magnanimous exit of "not getting revenge" is a huge reason why some people think they can get away with anything. 

You know, i'm an atheist, and so i'm not expecting a deity to send people who wrong me to the unhappy place. This means that i must take care of it myself. Because the only possible reward you may be expecting for letting people laugh at you is some sort of heavenly reward.

In this case, there is even the cause to say that it's the completely moral thing to do. This other woman has the right to know about the slime ball she is calling husband. 

And, perhaps much more important for the op is that by fully exposing this crap he will have a chance to make his daughter see this other guy as a home wrecker. And, if the child is bright enough at 13 (i think that's the age she has) she will see right through his bribes. 

The alternative is her mother painting the OP as guilty and that she had no choice but to find a new better daddy for her (not the first time i see that disgusting path being taken as a way to rationalize cheating).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wonder where Sid went? 

Hope he's not over on the SI board getting brainwashed.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The best revenge would be to not give a **** and leave, imagine a scenario where the WS comes and admits to having an affair and the BS says cool and files for divorce the next day.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Wonder where Sid went?
> 
> Hope he's not over on the SI board getting brainwashed.


:scratchhead:

How do they get brainwashed there?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> How do they get brainwashed there?


Just kidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

They take your brain out and squirt soap all over it then rinse it and but it back in.

Sorry couldn't help my self


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You seriously think it's wise to advise the OP to focus more on revenge against his stbx than he does on maximizing his custody/visitation with his kids and minimizing his support/alimony obligations? I'll simply say that I disagree. I think his primary focus should be on positioning himself in as favorable a light as possible for the legal battle to come.
> 
> If he can create mischief for his stbx without harming his standing with the court, then he should feel free. But that's often not the case. He should discuss his goals and potential actions with his lawyer rather than internet cheerleaders who may, or may not, have his best interests at heart.


I think it is wise to state that people have the right to do what they feel. I am not going to jump on the band wagon of turn the other cheek that becomes pervasive. He needs to make his own choice. Being the nice guy has not worked so far.

So yeah I think he needs to expose. I would. I would also never suggest anything to anyone I would not do myself. People need to lose their fear in life and do what they think is the right thing and not react out of fear. The high road in this case is to expose. People who respect themselves do not take disrespect from others and they do what they think is right. One will find that gets you a lot further than operating out of fear.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Racer said:


> If you want a divorce, and they are so deep in that fog that they’ll give up everything to make their fantasy ‘come true’... You use that sh1t to your advantage. This is particularly effective with those foggy WS’s who deep down feel a ton of guilt and shame; They want it to end so they won’t really have to face it. They’ll sign anything you put in front of them if it means they can walk without having to admit their sin.


Wow, that is a GREAT point. I think I'll just add that to my advice plan. Thanks!


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## nsr250 (Jan 13, 2011)

Racer said:


> Well, I’m anything but PC and prefer Dresden firebombing techniques... There is one exception, and it is far from nice; If you want a divorce, and they are so deep in that fog that they’ll give up everything to make their fantasy ‘come true’... You use that sh1t to your advantage. This is particularly effective with those foggy WS’s who deep down feel a ton of guilt and shame; They want it to end so they won’t really have to face it. They’ll sign anything you put in front of them if it means they can walk without having to admit their sin. These are the ‘flee’ type personalities... His wife sounds like a ‘flee’ person as does her MOM. In her mind, its possible that slip of paper represents that she’s no longer a bad person... She wants that paper as quickly as possible to get rid of those ‘bad feelings’.
> 
> Why it isn’t nice is that we all know a divorce decree is a binding contract that effects the rest of your life. If she’ll sign away so you get everything you want based on a screwed up fantasy we all know can’t survive the light of day, she’ll be stuck with it; Shattered dreams. Somewhere down the road, that Karma bus is going to plow over her when she figures out what she gave up that she could have fought for. She’ll find out the hard way, those bad feelings actually get worse when its final and the glamour of the affair is worn off. She hasn’t thought it through. When she’s single, she won’t hide this anymore. She hasn’t thought about how everyone else around her will see her now; Adulterous loose woman. Women will scorn her and men will try to get in her pants knowing she lacks morals. And on the flip side, it may not hit... They may both get divorced and marry living happily ever after. Doesn’t matter to you though, you got what you wanted out of the divorce.
> 
> ...


Boy, this is exactly my wife!! STBXW. She was so convinced that her BF was prince charming and would take care of her that she moved out and gave me almost everything. She now regrets it and is constantly wanting more from me. (me and possessions). Oh well, her loss.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

nsr250 said:


> Boy, this is exactly my wife!! STBXW. She was so convinced that her BF was prince charming and would take care of her that she moved out and gave me almost everything. She now regrets it and is constantly wanting more from me. (me and possessions). Oh well, her loss.


Yup... Happened to one of my employees. Her husband ‘found someone’ and asked if he could start dating. She said no, but understood his desire to see others. Just couldn’t do it while married “what would the neighbors say?” Convinced him they’d legally separate for awhile and ‘shop’. Got him to sign the papers splitting everything up quite nicely... Then filed for divorce and they used the legal separation agreement that he can only contest IF there was something like major changes in their lives... Whole thing took the minimum 90 days and minimal legal fees.

So, now she’s got a condo, a new rich boyfriend she lives with, and money to spare. He got the house (and had to buy out her half).. he couldn't afford it and had to do a short sale to get rid of it. He lives in a small apartment. That girl dumped him when he became ‘needy’ (wanted a real relationship). Kids have very little respect for him for what he did (older kids not at home).... I see him every now and again drinking alone at the bar. Its sad. Glad to see him living his 'dream'...

Oh edit; He's also unemployed (and was during all this), so he's also living off of Mommy. He's in his mid-50's...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> WW-OM are planning it very carefully. They are going to nail BW to the wall. They surely have a lawyers advice. At this point is all about the money, logistics and timing. They want the house, skip alymony... They won't stop at anything. They are likely gaslighting and setting up BW to their adventage.
> This man want your daughter call him daddy. Try your best to prevent it.


I have a horrible idea that he might have designs on the daughter. Dopey wife may be a gateway to the daughter for him. I hope not, but...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have a horrible idea that he might have designs on the daughter. Dopey wife may be a gateway to the daughter for him. I hope not, but...


Thought about that too... Creepy as hell!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

nsr250 said:


> Boy, this is exactly my wife!! STBXW. She was so convinced that her BF was prince charming and would take care of her that she moved out and gave me almost everything. She now regrets it and is constantly wanting more from me. (me and possessions). Oh well, her loss.


Female hypergamy at its most blatant.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Any updates did you completly expose and how are things going with your daughter?


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