# Strange Obsession??



## Magdalen

I have been happily married for 2 years, and with my husband almost six years total. We have a wonderful relationship, he is an amazing man and is everything I ever wanted in a husband.When we met- we were from very different worlds, I grew up fast and have been on my own since 16, had a baby at 21 and raised her alone.My husband had a "Brady Bunch" upbringing, very large,happy and loving family. It was an adjustment for me, my daughter was so happy to have a family and deep down, I was too- it just took time for me to learn to trust others.
In six years my husband has never once yelled or shown aggression.He is very calm and quiet and I am definitely the decision maker.I did not want to be, it just worked out this way.
About a month ago I was loading new photo software from google (Picasa), and it pulled every picture file up on our computer. Well, I got a big surprise.My husband took photos of himself in lingirie (some of it mine) and there were some very submissive graphic images. I was shocked. so many emotions flowed through me, but I felt betrayed. Why would he keep this from me? I am very open minded, and in the past have asked him questions related to sex that hit on submissiveness, but he told me he had no interest in that stuff. A month prior to this, I was cleaning our cars and found 2 receipts for lingerie, and confronted him.He said he had no idea where they came from, that they could have gotten mixed in his receipts from work. He works with allot of men (construction), so it seemed believable. My husband is not a cheater, and I trusted his response. I never would have imagined that the lingerie was for him, and I told him the lying hurt the most. 
We talked about it, cried, and worked through it. He was embarrassed and felt awful for hurting me and said it was stupid and he would never do it again. I know that it is a fetish, and accept it, but he will not talk about it at all. I am starting to feel like we have hit a wall in our marriage. I want to trust that he would never be involved with someone else as a submissive, but he lied about this, what do I believe? I am so confused and feel this has changed our relationship forever. What would you do if you discovered something like this and your spouse just went on as if it never happened?


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## artieb

Don't worry too much about him not telling you; that's not necessarily a question of whether he trusts you. It sounds to me as if he believes there is something wrong with him, and so he's ashamed of himself, and he believes he has to hide it. Once discovered, the only thing he could think of to do was insist he'll never do it again.

But there's not anything wrong with him. He's just interested in things other people might not like. So what? No game he likes to play makes him less of a man; nothing he wants to do with a woman makes him gay. If you're willing to play with him, that might work out really well.

Two books I know of which might be of interest to you are _The Mistress Manual_, by Mistress Lorelei, and _SM 101: A Realistic Introduction_ by Jay Wiseman. Read them both. Read them both twice. Take notes on what things in there you might like to try.

Then look him straight in the eyes and tell him: "I think it might be fun if I tied you down to the bed" (or whatever you think might be fun). Look in his eyes and see what kind of reaction you get. If he gets really defensive and seems upset, that's probably him being ashamed of what he likes. Tell him there's nothing wrong with playing games like this; lots of people do it, they just keep it private. People don't talk about their exact sex activities very often, but lots of them are out there having sex, and lots of them are doing things which aren't just plain vanilla. You _want_ to do this with him, and you _want_ him to do it with you. (Remember, pick something you actually think might be fun.) Say "Let's have some kinky fun. If it doesn't work out so well, no big deal. If it does, great! And maybe next time you can tie me up."


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## Magdalen

I appreciate the feedback. As I said, I am not closed minded by any means. I love my husband very much, and I remember him telling me that he likes the way the clothes feel, which is understandable- I do too. He likes when I wear sparkly things, when I have long nails and look girlie- I guess there are days when I let having to be in charge get in the way of being feminine. Again, having to be in control most of my life has given me a strong persona, and in my mind strength does not come in "pretty things".My mother never taught me to be a lady, what I learned about femininity came from friends, TV, and observation- it is something I will work on.
If this can turn out to be something my husband and I can use to our advantage, I am all for it. I just need to find a way to break into this stuff. We have a very plain sex life. It is not what I was used to, I had to adjust to it- only to learn it was not truly what my husband really liked.
It is so weird- I thought I was giving him what he wanted, I thought I was too much for him so I backed off and slowed down. Maybe it is just learning about eachother, I never told my husband things I enjoy sexually for fear of what he would think, and my own embarrassment. This definitely brings some important things to light.


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## Big Bear

This has got to be tough for both of you, but try to see where he coming from. I'll start by saying I have no experience in cross-dressing, but I do know what it's like to harbor secrets from my wife and loved ones and it sucks. You mentioned that he is in the construction industry. I'm guessing they aren't real open minded when it comes to wearin a dress. As men we are very aware of our role in society and I can see why,given the sensitive nature of his proclivities,he would want to keep them hidden. You started off by saying he was everything you wanted in a husband. If he is a good man then he is a good man. Period. Try to learn more about what he likes. You might be suprised how much closer you get after you reach a new comfort level. Good luck to you guys!


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## Fritz

I had a post here a while back you might want to check out. I am a crossdresser and my wife takes part. I think its more fun for her than for me. I was quite embarressed first but got over it when we did some therapy.


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## CaliforniaGal

I have friends who also are married to cross dressers and they seem to get along fine. Some of them have told me that they have boundries and realize that it isn't something to be ashamed about just because society doesn't usually accept men dressing as women. You might want to check out a site I was told about called LadiesKnightOut (LKO) - Cross Dressing Organization for Couples. There's some good information on this subjust on that site.


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## created4success

Magdalen said:


> We talked about it, cried, and worked through it. He was embarrassed and felt awful for hurting me and said it was stupid and he would never do it again. I know that it is a fetish, and accept it, but he will not talk about it at all. I am starting to feel like we have hit a wall in our marriage. I want to trust that he would never be involved with someone else as a submissive, but he lied about this, what do I believe? I am so confused and feel this has changed our relationship forever. What would you do if you discovered something like this and your spouse just went on as if it never happened?


First, I would like to say that half the battle is admitting there's a problem, then taking the time to dialogue about it.

Perhaps you've gone as far as you can together, when discussing it one on one. 

*Have you considered counseling or getting some outside help to put this behind you?*


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