# Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me



## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

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MY wife that i been married to for 9 yrs lost her mom last month very suddly,over night. Well she went out of state to be with her dad for a few weeks and i flew down to be with my wife and 2 kids,and father in-law. I was only there for a week and my wife,kids and I went to a few fun places while I was there with them. When we got home the next day my wife found a bank recp. that I had printed out from her account showing what was spent and how much she had in the account because her Dad gave her a 1000.00 the week her mom past and she never told me till the day before I flew down to be with her. This made me feel like she was hidding things from me thats why I pulled the account. She was really mad that I pulled the account and said I dont trust her, and went to tell me she is not happy anymore and said she loves me but not in love with me, and she feels very distant from me,and that we should take a break from each other. I have RA and I sleep a lot and cant do things I use to be able to do,so she said the sleeping part and me not being with the family is why she is not happy. I think the passing of her mom has a lot to do with it and told her she needs to talk to someone and i would make her a appt. , and she said ok. I asked her if she also wants to see a marrige cons. and she agread. She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more. Any opions will help I dont want to lose her or my family. We been togather for 15yrs and married for 9yrs and still love her to death,so please help. Thank


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more. Any opions will help I dont want to lose her or my family


If you want your marriage to work, do what she's asking. Go to counseling and work it out.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JPHUNTER said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> MY wife that i been married to for 9 yrs lost her mom last month very suddly,over night. Well she went out of state to be with her dad for a few weeks and i flew down to be with my wife and 2 kids,and father in-law. I was only there for a week and my wife,kids and I went to a few fun places while I was there with them. When we got home the next day my wife found a bank recp. that I had printed out from her account showing what was spent and how much she had in the account because her Dad gave her a 1000.00 the week her mom past and she never told me till the day before I flew down to be with her. This made me feel like she was hidding things from me thats why I pulled the account. She was really mad that I pulled the account and said I dont trust her, and went to tell me she is not happy anymore and said she loves me but not in love with me, and she feels very distant from me,and that we should take a break from each other. I have RA and I sleep a lot and cant do things I use to be able to do,so she said the sleeping part and me not being with the family is why she is not happy. I think the passing of her mom has a lot to do with it and told her she needs to talk to someone and i would make her a appt. , and she said ok. I asked her if she also wants to see a marrige cons. and she agread. She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more. Any opions will help I dont want to lose her or my family. We been togather for 15yrs and married for 9yrs and still love her to death,so please help. Thank


Yes, I'm certain that the loss of her mother took an emotional toll on her. I've been there. I'm sorry for her loss. So, while in her grief, she took the children with her to visit with her father without you? You showed up later? Why did you not go with her initially? She may have really needed your strength to get through it all, but you were not there. Keep that thought in your mind while I tell you the good news.

In spite of it all, she still loves you and wants to work things out. You should do exactly as she asks. She needs your emotional support. She needs your strength. She feels she just can't do it all.

As for the money, that was not the time to confront her about a gift she received from her father. Depending on how you approached the subject, she might have felt "controlled" at a time when she needed love and support. You might have inadvertently added more to her burden.

She still loves you. She has told you what she needs. If you love her as much as you say you do, please do what she asks, willingly, and with love in your heart. I wish the both of you well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is there another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

She went for 2 weeks and I couldnt get the time off work,or could we afford me to take it off without pay. She also said she feels that she needs to be there for her father to help him. I advised her to go back down till the kids start school to be with her dad,but her dad cant handle the kids that long she said.

She said there was no other man or has there ever been another.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JPHUNTER said:


> She went for 2 weeks and I couldnt get the time off work,or could we afford me to take it off without pay. She also said she feels that she needs to be there for her father to help him. I advised her to go back down till the kids start school to be with her dad,but her dad cant handle the kids that long she said.
> 
> She said there was no other man or has there ever been another.


Does she have any siblings that could help her Dad out? How about other relatives in the area (Aunts and/or Uncles)? What sort of help does her Dad require? Cleaning? Emotional Support? The reason I ask is that my Dad lives two hours away from me. Not a bad drive, but not too close. I have siblings in the area that were available to him on a daily basis, but he handled most things himself as keeping busy helped him in his grief. He didn't need me to do things for him, although I was there to help him with funeral arraignments and the sorting of my mother's personal effects.


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

Her dad lives 18hrs away in Fl., and he has no family in FL. to help. He is in good heath and dosnt need help that way only emotional. I almost think she want to be there because it makes her feel close to her mother since her remains/ashes and her stuff is there, do's that make since?
Thanks to all for helping me. It feels good to get this out,and get help


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is the lack of trust coming from her spending habits?
Is this her home town were she grew up?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JPHUNTER said:


> Her dad lives 18hrs away in Fl., and he has no family in FL. to help. He is in good heath and dosnt need help that way only emotional. I almost think she want to be there because it makes her feel close to her mother since her remains/ashes and her stuff is there, do's that make since?
> Thanks to all for helping me. It feels good to get this out,and get help


I understand what you are saying, but I am beginning to think that there is more that she is not telling you. For example (and I can only compare this to myself losing my own mother), my Dad gave me some of Mom's jewelry and personal effects, so I can feel close to her. I also have a good faith based belief that my Mom is with me no matter where I am. I feel her. I don't need to go to Dad's home to feel close to my mother. That is why I suspect that there is more to her story. Does she not have the same sense of closeness with her deceased mother at your own home?

I kind of think that this is more about your wife's needs versus her father's needs. Perhaps if you get a sense of what is truly bothering her, you can fill that void without her having to make the trip.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

JPHUNTER said:


> I think the passing of her mom has a lot to do with it and told her she needs to talk to someone and i would make her a appt. , and she said ok. I asked her if she also wants to see a marrige cons. and she agread. She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more.


I believe losing a close family member can certainly cause one to realize how short life is and to re-evaluate their own life and where they are at. So while the passing of her mom may have triggered these thoughts, they are good things to think about versus living life day to day in a rut. 

I am not sure how often you consult with a Dr. for your RA, but if you typically do not, maybe a good step in the right direction would be to make an appointment and talk about wanting to be more active and what your options are. Taking the initiative on your own will show your wife that you are serious about making some changes.

The bank thing would upset me too. She just lost her mom and the last thing she should have been worried about is filling you in on $ from her dad, so for you to print out the bank transactions and call her out on it was pretty bizarre in my eyes. To me this would send a pretty clear message on what your priorities are and that the almighty $ ranks higher than your wife's emotional well-being. This may not be how you see it, but if I were your wife I would feel very unsupported if this happened to me.

The best advice would be to really listen to your wife. She wants YOU and wants you to want HER and YOUR KIDS...I would also suggest picking up a book called 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman....reason is two-fold....you will better understand what makes your wife feel loved (my guess is she will rank high with quality time) and it will also show her that you are actively working on improving your marriage.

Good Luck! You have a lot to work with in that your wife wants to stay married...she just wants it to be a great marriage and I can't blame her for that!


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

She grew up 1hr from are house and not in fl. Her dad also lives in a retirement villiage with all older people,so I dont think she has another man there at all, and there is no sign of another man as in texting,late night calls or ect.
She also has some of her moms things we brought back with us from fl.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I have RA and I sleep a lot and cant do things I use to be able to do,so she said the sleeping part and me not being with the family is why she is not happy"

So she's holding your illness against you??? Sorry but that's pretty carppy!


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

I do see a RA doc. and take meds to help with the pain,but I still have pain and fatigue every day,also have some damage joints from it.
She said shes not using the RA against me but I do feel she is. I also should tell everyone that I'm to only provider for the family and she is a stay home mom.


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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

Could she have gotten an inheritance from her mom and now she has the money to get out and live on her own?


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

FFP20 you are thinking like I was thats why I pulled her checking account to check, but there was not a deposit made in there,but I never checked her savings account so I dont know. She says she didnt,but her dad is wealthy and I know he has a large life Ins. police,but she said her mothers ins. went to her dad. Her mother loved the kids to death and would come and stay with us for weeks at a time. I just dont see her mom leaving her or the kids anything. My wife says it all went to her dad.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Find the money and you'll find the boyfriend


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JPHUNTER said:


> FFP20 you are thinking like I was thats why I pulled her checking account to check, but there was not a deposit made in there,but I never checked her savings account so I dont know. She says she didnt,but her dad is wealthy and I know he has a large life Ins. police,but she said her mothers ins. went to her dad. Her mother loved the kids to death and would come and stay with us for weeks at a time. I just dont see her mom leaving her or the kids anything. My wife says it all went to her dad.


It does makes sense that any property of her mother's went to her dad. It also makes sense that, "if" she expressed some sort of disappointment to her dad about her marriage, that he would then offer her financial assistance.

The more information you post, the more it looks less to me like "mourning her mother" and more about her dissatisfaction in the marriage. Is it possible that she sees you as a controlling figure in her life? Why is she a stay-at-home wife, by her choice or because you want her there? Has she ever expressed a desire to work outside of the home? I'm just wondering if she feels boxed in, and therefore wants to "flee" to her Dad. Perhaps she is afraid of you?

How were things between you before her mother passed away?

You see, the reason I am posing the above question is that you seem to be focused on the "money" (not saying I blame you), but what I don't know is how your wife feels about "money" or financial issues in general, particularly since you are the "bread winner" and she is a stay-at-home mom.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> It does makes sense that any property of her mother's went to her dad. It also makes sense that, "if" she expressed some sort of disappointment to her dad about her marriage, that he would then offer her financial assistance.
> 
> The more information you post, the more it looks less to me like "mourning her mother" and more about her dissatisfaction in the marriage. Is it possible that she sees you as a controlling figure in her life? Why is she a stay-at-home wife, by her choice or because you want her there? Has she ever expressed a desire to work outside of the home? I'm just wondering if she feels boxed in, and therefore wants to "flee" to her Dad. Perhaps she is afraid of you?
> 
> ...


Interesting. Not saying you are wrong, but I immediately thought of trust issues, rather than money issues. That is, trust is the over-arching issue, while money was just the particular way the trust was brought out.

My question to the OP is why did you immediately jump to your wife hiding something. Why not assume that in her grief, she forgot to mention it?


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

The last post makes me look like its about the money to me,but it is not. She chose to be a stay home mom. I told her if it was to stress full to go back to work, and she did get a notary job that is not even part time to get away from the kids every now and then.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> When we got home the next day my wife found a bank recp. that I had printed out from her account showing what was spent and how much she had in the account because her Dad gave her a 1000.00 the week her mom past and she never told me till the day before I flew down to be with her. This made me feel like she was hidding things from me


What did you think she was hiding?


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## JPHUNTER (Jul 10, 2012)

Money from her mom because she didnt ask me if we can afford to go down to fl. with me taking a week off unpaid.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JPHUNTER said:


> Money from her mom because she didnt ask me if we can afford to go down to fl. with me taking a week off unpaid.


So you think that she hid that money to prevent you from coming down to be with her? 

Why do you think she did that?


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