# When to move out?



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm ready to start the next phase of my life. HURRAH! Today I am asking advice about timing and actions along the way. I'd ask my attorney but she is on vacation. 

My wife wants to stay in our current house, fine with me. I will move west, my questions are about details and timing. 

I will be filing for divorce next week when my lawyer gets back from vacation. Wife and I haven't had an explicit D talk, we've had the implicit one several times. I hope wife will accept mediation.

I know I need to stay close until we've gone through mediation and settled most of the topics, but once past that I want to start fulfilling my plans.

No kids from this marriage, a few good friends all that is holding me, wife's actions don't match warm, loving words.

Last night, for the first time in my life, I told a woman I have a headache and left the bed and when sleepy, slept in my recliner, getting a fine night's sleep.

My questions:

Is there any real reason to stay in my house other than I've made it comfortable? I'm happy to walk away from my share of the equity in it, a decidedly positive number despite enormous improvements these last years.

Background, wife stores her clothes in her dressing room and guest room, uses the main bathroom near the guest BR, my clothes are in MBR, I use the small bathroom adjacent to MBR, I have trouble walking, she is still physically agile to a large degree.

If I stay in the house should I stay in the master bed room or ask wife to move to the guest room which is now filled with her junk? The bed is covered with more luggage, hand bags, back packs, computer packs than is on the floor at our local Target. There is 20 linear feet of closet space filled floor to ceiling.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you are letting her have the house, there's no reason to stay unless you're just not ready to leave or you have financial reasons to stay (can't afford an apt or whatever). If you do stay, I would not continue to sleep in the same room/bed with her, as it could confuse things, plus as you get closer and closer to finalizing the divorce, it will get awkward. I would, since your stuff is in the master bedroom, and hers is in the guest room, and you have mobility issues that she doesn't, tell her that she can have the master bedroom once you're gone but that until then, you'd like her to move into the guest room. 

I also think, since you are preparing to file soon, that it's time to have the explicit talk. Make sure she understands that you are actually going to file and that you are going through with this. General discussions are fine in the beginning, but after a while, she may have begun to assume that you were just going through a phase and just talking, but not serious and not really intending to go through with it. Unless you feel it better to surprise her with the actual filing, you should discuss it clearly before you file. Her response should tell you how she'll handle it, and allow you to prepare your lawyer for whether or not she will fight it and how ugly it might get. 

Good luck!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

ATG,

Thanks again for a quick, coherent, intelligent & comprehensive answer, separate bedrooms it is.

I don't want to surprise her, I don't want to hurt her, though I recognize that divorce will hurt her, mostly I am so disappointed by who she has become, her inability to have actions follow words, that I am saddened for both of us.

So many ifs - if she had spoken to a dr about tender vaginal areas when it interfered with intercourse, if she met schedules for meeting me, if she didn't get wrapped up for hours in her email and music, if she entered counselling, ...

I've been pretty explicit these past years, especially about being on time, whether it is to leave the house to see friends or dinner, arrive at work, arrive home Tuesdays and Thursdays by 6:30, arrive in bed - I've accepted that she will be in our bed only twice a week at 11:30. She never shows up on time, since I take Ambien to fall asleep, I'm usually conked out at 11:45 - all I've been asking for is a few minutes of cuddling, a caress or two while we're together.

Actions speak louder than words.

I will have the explicit talk when the mediator is back from vacation, I won't file till then.

I'll stop now, no sense beating a dead horse. 



atruckersgirl said:


> If you are letting her have the house, there's no reason to stay unless you're just not ready to leave or you have financial reasons to stay (can't afford an apt or whatever). If you do stay, I would not continue to sleep in the same room/bed with her, as it could confuse things, plus as you get closer and closer to finalizing the divorce, it will get awkward. I would, since your stuff is in the master bedroom, and hers is in the guest room, and you have mobility issues that she doesn't, tell her that she can have the master bedroom once you're gone but that until then, you'd like her to move into the guest room.
> 
> I also think, since you are preparing to file soon, that it's time to have the explicit talk. Make sure she understands that you are actually going to file and that you are going through with this. General discussions are fine in the beginning, but after a while, she may have begun to assume that you were just going through a phase and just talking, but not serious and not really intending to go through with it. Unless you feel it better to surprise her with the actual filing, you should discuss it clearly before you file. Her response should tell you how she'll handle it, and allow you to prepare your lawyer for whether or not she will fight it and how ugly it might get.
> 
> Good luck!


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