# PLEASE HELP,New wife wants me to get a paternity test



## castaway (Feb 22, 2011)

I am in my second marriage now of 1 year. I have an 8 year old child from my previous marriage. I have been with my wife now for 5 years. All of the sudden, she wants me to get a paternity test because she doesnt trust my ex wife who cheated on me when our child was 2. She says that she wouldnt put it past her if she cheated on me before that but I know she never has because the marriage did not start falling apart until our child was about 15 months old. She went behind my back and ordered a paternity test online and expected me to take it without questioning it. I felt very hurt and angry that she would do that to me. She says that it is always on her mind and wants it on paper that I really am her father but I alrready know that I am and I have tried numerus times explaining to her that my first marrige was fine up until after our child was born. I am just very confused on what to do because I feel that I should not have to prove to anybody that I am the father after 8 years. PLEASE HELP!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

You tell her that is your CHILD and she is not to question that fact _ever_ again. The paper that states that fact is the birth certificate which is a legal document from the government.

DNA means little at this point.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

What on earth would she hope to gain by knowing either way? Would it somehow make a difference? Seems silly to me. What exactly is her reason?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If its something that deeply bothers your wife, it might be worth taking for her sanity.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

Okay, from a woman's point of view: Clearly she is jealous. She is jealous of either your child, and the attention you give Child. She is jealous of how you treat Child. Or she is jealous of Ex. Maybe it's a combination of all of these, who knows. But she is clearly jealous of something. Next, there are 2 scenarios that could be the root here... (1) She wants you all to herself, and she loves you sooo much that she doesn't want anything interfering with hers and your relationship, so she will do anything in her power to cut ties with the person who once made you so happy, and who you had Child with. Has Ex done anything recently to make Wife think that there is more going on between you two, more than you had a child 8 yrs ago?

(2) Maybe she is hiding something. She wants to bring up something, and stir things up because she wants you to be wrong, or she wants you to be to blame. She will try to find things that will make you be the bad guy....

Or maybe she is just trying to prove a point... Does she know something that you dont know?


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## castaway (Feb 22, 2011)

I have no idea really, she says because she looks like her mother and not me. Yeah her mother cheated on me after the fact but I have never or noblody else questioned whether or not i am the father. Now she is upset with me for not doing it but I feel i am right for refusing to do it and put my child through that also.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

it is certainly not something to put the child through, but I still don't understand why she would want to ask for it.... even if there was a question, what does she think would change after being dad for 8 years? WTF?


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## castaway (Feb 22, 2011)

I really have no clue. She just says that its always on her mind. Nobody else has ever questioned this before. I do think that she is jealous of my ex-wife. She doesnt like the fact that I do have to talk to her about our child. I am just angry now and refuse to take a test to prove anything to her.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

You shouldn't have to put yourself, or Child through that. Your wife needs to stop being jealous. Is there money involved? Like do you pay child support? Maybe Wife thinks that this money should be spent on other things... Like her, or the house, or bills... etc?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Having been in a relationship with someone with children, I will say that the ONLY time I objected to contact with the ex, was when my name came up for no reason, or when a phone call occurred during a date with me that could have waited... THAT was an oops! Anyway... outside of that, I often encouraged communication especially since the kids spent time back and forth (only changing homes when they got in trouble or one parent couldn't deal anymore). Umm sorry, my story aside...what I am saying is that she should be encouraging you to do what is best for the child and understand that it is FOR the child... I mean after 5 years... why the need now?


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## castaway (Feb 22, 2011)

I have joint custody and only pay 160 bucks a month for child support. I feel there is some jealously too over my child. My wife acts totally different when it is just us 2 and then when my child is here, she distances herself from us. She says it will give her peace of mind if I were to do it and she would act differently towards my child also. I'm like WTF???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell your wife you will not screw up this kids life and he has a father and it's you. End of story!


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

Wow, I really think there are alot of problems within herself that she needs to look at. My dad's wife hates me, and has hated me since i was 6 yrs old. i wasnt even old enough to decide if i liked her or not... i knew nothing... but she hated me because it was, up until she came, it was always me and my dad. thats it... i was almost like "the other woman" cuz i was all my dad had, and he was all i had... is your child a female by any chance?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Maybe your wife needs to have some counseling to work through her feelings towards your child. That is very unhealthy.

As a parent I would be concerned about being married to someone who was gonna keep my child at arms length.

What she is feeling is very normal, at least I have seen other people struggle with these feelings and issues in a blended family. She shouldn't be shamed for her feelings, but she does need to know that they need to be worked on...and gotten past.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

There is no excuse... she is being the cruella type step mom. She needs to go find out what her issue is... NO ONE has the right to ask someone to chose between them and their child.. it's just wrong. No matter what a test says (not doubting you, just saying..) she needs to respect that you are Dad, she should want to be part of that in some way. You need to discuss with her how to make that happen without a test. If she is looking for the child to disappear... well she needs to make some changes in herself


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## castaway (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes she is....I kind of feel like you excactly know what i am dealing with now.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

:iagree:


true that.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

yes, i feel for you. because i was once that child. my "step mom" (i refer to her as "my dads wife" now) hated me for no reason. i tried and tried to make her happy. i did everything for her.. on more than one occassion, she would say to my dad.. "if it wasnt for the fact that Amber (me) looks just like you, then i would swear your ex cheated on you"... then she became verbally abusive to me. i would date a boy then she would tell me i wasnt good enough, and that he would leave me "just like [your] mom did" so i would break up with them to avoid being hurt again as badly as my mom hurt me... i resented my father for marrying such a monster. my dad and i didnt speak fr a whole year because she made up lies about me so that my dad would hate me too... we just started speaking again about 2 years ago.... it got worse and worse... i finally stopped communicating with her after she hit me. she beat me up one day... it only gets worse. you need to address this situation hunny!!!!!!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

She needs counseling. She's the one with the issues. You're basically telling her this is your child, you don't feel the need for a paternity test to prove it. She should accept it at that. Tell her to go to a counselor, or shut her mouth forever about the test. And the subject entirely.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please take a stand on this, and insist she get counseling. You are the child's father, and it has nothing to do with blood. Adoptive parents know this. She needs to understand that this child is yours no matter what, and by refusing the test, you give her that message. You may need to let her know that even if there were no blood test, you've parented the child for many years already and intend to do so.

Think very carefully before having children with this woman if she won't get counseling or admit she has an issue. She is drawing lines and clearly they are not about you or the child; they are all about her. Honestly, would she expect you to treat the child differently now after being dad all these years? She will likely treat any children you have with her as "better" than the other one, and that will damage your daughter and your relationship with her. Stay strong for your daughter. Do not insist that your wife develop a special relationship--don't thrust the child on her when it is "your" time with the child, but do things as a family, the 3 of you, or just you and your daughter. Maybe she will come around if you are kind but firm and consistent. Good luck.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

hi. i don't post very often (actually hardly EVER) but I do read this board several times a week. It was instrumental in helping me learn how to save my marriage almost two years ago now.

anyway. to the point.

this is both my, and my husband's second marriage. We have a daughter from my first marriage and two sons from his. They are young adults now, however we do not believe in "Steps" in this family...there is no stepchildren...just our rowdy, noisy KIDS and the boys call me mom..(their birth mom calls me the other mom) and my daughter calls my husband daddy as her birth father is a useless moron. anyhoo...

my husbands eldest son is now 21 ...I have had my doubts about him being my husbands bio son since the day I met him. He looks like neither of them..he has wirey hair and a dark complexion..I actually asked my husband (after my first time meeting the boys) if his ex was black. Nope. My husband had a one night stand when he was 23 yrs old...5 months later the woman tracked him down..pregnant. well my husband is a stand up guy and took responsibility for his actions..he moved this woman (with NO home) into his apartment and started getting to know her. He made a life with her and the baby..and four years later had a second one (with a gun to his head basically...) anyway. they split when baby number two was only 4 months old. 

Baby number two is the image of his mother...with the body shape and gait of his father..NO doubt in my mind..but number ONE...ya. well anyway. I found out that his ex indeed HAD a black boyfriend around the time that she got pregnant..Our son always looks like he has a permatan lol.

I guess my point is. I do not care at this point. He is my husbands son. He is MY son. I would never EVER in my life even broach the subject with my husband of my gut feelings...HOWEVER he would be blind if he can not see the obvious. Maybe he chose not to see ..i don't know.

What I DO know is that is is one of the best fathers I have ever seen, and sperm does not a father make.

If your wife truely loves you ,, she will understand that your beautiful little girl is yours REGARDLESS..and unless a medical emerg (god forbid) arises...you know all YOU need to know..that is..

You have a daughter. And you love your daughter. PERIOD.

DO NOT do any test. Tell your wife to accept it..or hit the road.

sorry if I sound harsh...but I know that my child has the best father possible..and IF he did have another "sperm donor" I say he missed out on nothing..no good can come of opening up a can of worms

hugs to both you and your daughter...and a slap to your wife..


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

that is great!


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

I feel a few different things about this situation
First of all, if you are convinced that this is your child is should be harmless to just do the DNA test
But if you do have a doubt I would still just make it completely clear that you are the "father" and "dad" even if you aren't the "sperm donor". You're not going to abandon your child either way no matter how she feels about it. And she shouldn't ask you to or treat the child any differently. Your child should come before her because she is an adult who can function just fine in life without you and children need a parent. 

The problem I do have is her lack of consideration. That is a pretty big bomb to drop on you. If she had concerns, she should've approached you. It is not her child and she crossed a boundary by making a decision for your child without your consent.

Also, I wonder what her motives are for being so intense about it. What does she plan to do with the answer? 

I would say think about yourself as well. If you aren't curious or prepared for the answer, she can't and shouldn't make you do it. It's your choice.

Again, your child is number one priority and you, not she, is the parent.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

castaway said:


> I am in my second marriage now of 1 year. I have an 8 year old child from my previous marriage. I have been with my wife now for 5 years. All of the sudden, she wants me to get a paternity test because she doesnt trust my ex wife who cheated on me when our child was 2. She says that she wouldnt put it past her if she cheated on me before that but I know she never has because the marriage did not start falling apart until our child was about 15 months old. She went behind my back and ordered a paternity test online and expected me to take it without questioning it. I felt very hurt and angry that she would do that to me. She says that it is always on her mind and wants it on paper that I really am her father but I alrready know that I am and I have tried numerus times explaining to her that my first marrige was fine up until after our child was born. I am just very confused on what to do because I feel that I should not have to prove to anybody that I am the father after 8 years. PLEASE HELP!


Your wife sounds very jealous and irrational about this issue.

You should tell her on no uncertain terms that you will not do the test, that you have raised and loved this child and she is yours no matter what. The child is innocent, and she needs you- her dad to put her first.

Ask her if you have children together how she would feel if you split and then did this to your child together with a new girlfriend?

It's really not cool.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

To be honest I had doubts about my ex's child (so did most of his family) and he knew I did, but I was curious if he did considering how he treated the kid. There is more to the story but... Anyway, I would never have demanded he get a test done... the only time it came up there was reason for it to (based on his actions towards the kid, but then I found out it is just how he parents SACRY!) It's just not what you do


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm not even going to read the other replies to this message. Your wife has crossed some boundaries here and she has no right to do so. My daughter turns 7 in two weeks and the fact is that even if I were to discover that she isn't really mine, it wouldn't make a difference now and honestly I wouldn't even want to know if that is the case, and my wife has cheated on me repeatedly. (my daughter looks exactly like me however) You need to sit down with her and explain that you love her, you love your son, that he is your son and that you couldn't give a damn about a paternity test and that should be good enough for her as well. Don't throw the test away, instead ask her to throw it away. She needs to understand that she married a man who had a prior relationship, a son from that prior relationship, and that she accepted that when she agreed to marry you. That is all there is to it. Don't get angry with her because I'm sure you can understand why she might desire this, but do calmly and lovingly explain that she can't demand this of you, that this isn't her business.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

another thing to think about..

as your wife sounds immature and selfish (sorry) but what if you DID take this test..and got confirmation that she is indeed your birth child..ok. good. case closed. right?? WRONG
as your wife IS being quite selfish and demanding now...what if that continues...what if..down the road in anger towards you or this precious 8 yr old..esp in a few years when she is a teenage girl..with all the self esteem issues they face nowadays..what if your wife is angry with you or her...and blurts out that you had a DNA test done when she was 8 cause you (she,,but she will blame you..so will your child) didnt know if she was yours.

talk about making a kid feel disposable. 

sorry for going on about this,, but I thought about this all day at work today. 



Love the man (or woman),,,love their child. It is part and parcel of the deal!!

ok. off my soapbox

Lynn


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

I just recently finished paying off the college bills for two children that were alleged to have been fathered by me and it turned out that they had different fathers and I fathered neither.
If you are paying to support some other guys child, you present wife has a right to know that you are the father.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Take the paternity test. It'll will either confirm or refute the reality. 

Take the red pill.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Your wife is way out of line. Your child's DNA is yours and your ex's business. If your wife loves you, she will cease her demands and grow up. If she needs help growing up, then she should find it and get on with it.

Best,

Lyn


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Good friend of mine had two children from his first marriage. They were in their late teens when he and their mother divorced. His first steady girlfriend turned out to be a rather two-faced person. She loved it when he was a great male role model to her early teen son, but then got snippy over the time that he spent with his near adult kids. He told her his kids were going to eventually give him grandkids and there was no way he was going to be separated from them. Yet she was never quite able to get over her jealousy so that was one of the big reasons he ended the relationship.

Just saying this kind of jealousy is not uncommon. I have seen this in action in some form several times in addition to my friend's case. Basically a woman wants a man's resources for her offspring and she will see his offspring as taking away from "her" resources. Of course not all women do that, many are realistic enough to understand when the 2nd hubby comes with his own kids. My friend eventually found such a woman.

Unfortunately, "castaway" already married and had a child with 2nd wife well before this jealousy came up. No easy way out of this, the jealousy will never really go away, but it may be possible to assert himself and demand better behavior from her, both of which he needs to do.


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## justdandy (Nov 14, 2012)

Onedery said:


> I just recently finished paying off the college bills for two children that were alleged to have been fathered by me and it turned out that they had different fathers and I fathered neither.
> If you are paying to support some other guys child, you present wife has a right to know that you are the father.


Have the test done. You shouldn't have to pay for a child that is not yours.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

wow you really know how to pick them!

this is very bad she is trying to force you aginst your child.

what dose she think would happen if you do take the test and find out its not your child?

at this point even if you found out its not your child I think you would still be responcinle for it. and what would you do quit being his dad.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Stop necroing threads. this ones over a year old


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