# Just found out family member is having an affair



## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Just found out my soon to be in-law is having an affair with a married man who has three small children? I would love to inform the FS but my fiance told me it is none of our business.

If it were me, I would want to know.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Unless you have an undeniable proof, don't do it. If it was me, I would want to know, too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think there are two bad things you are seeing here

1. Your in law family has cheaters in it

2. You fiancé is ok with it, and sees telling folks the truth as wrong.

#2 is especially worrying since the person having the affairs betrayed spouse is part of the family too, and yet your fiancé has zero problem letting them be cheated on.

You seriously need to consider the moral compass of you fiancé and ask if this is someone you should be marrying.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I think there are two bad things you are seeing here
> 
> 1. Your in law family has cheaters in it
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
If you know 100%...Tell the man. He NEEDS to know. They will be divorced at some point, and do you want this guy looking at you, after he's married for 8 years with 2 kids and seeing his entire family and life falling apart around him...AND YOU KNEW?!?! 

Yeah, I'd be so embarrassed that I didn't say anything.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I think there are two bad things you are seeing here
> 
> 1. Your in law family has cheaters in it
> 
> ...


I left out the part where her brother reminded her that the OM may do the same to her someday.He also asked why she would want to be with someone who keeps her hidden from his family and friends. 

Apparently SIL is not listening, realizes I am upset and told my fiancee not to discuss with me.. the OM doesn't want anyone to know and he has a lot at risk.

After my fiance spoke with her, he feels he has done his part and says it is no longer of our business.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Get word to the biggest loud mouth in town, that works around here - true or untrue and everything blows up! 

But seriously, you're in a tough spot. But if I had a lot to lose, I think I might would reconsider having an affair in the first place


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kind of solid proof do you have that you could give to the man's wife?


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## Keeponrollin (May 14, 2013)

This is a tough situation...I definitly agree with your fiance because you sticking your nose into someone else marriage. 
1) its your in-laws which could cause issues with your fiance and your relationship if he forced to choose sides between you and his parents.
2) If you do not have hard solid proof it will destroy your relationship with the in-laws and your fiancee will be in the middle again.
He has talked to her and you and him have talked about it, if ANYONE needs to bring this up its your fiance to his father. If he chooses not to then support him because you know whats going to eventually happen


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What kind of solid proof do you have that you could give to the man's wife?


No pictures. No texts. Just the OW (my future in-law) admitting it and saying she wants to be there for him and do whatever she can for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> No pictures. No texts. Just the OW (my future in-law) admitting it and saying she wants to be there for him and do whatever she can for him.
> 
> I'd tell the wife to hire a PI.


If you tell the wife expect things to blow up between you and your SIL as well as with your fiancé. The wife will most likely tell her husband who told her. And then it will get back to your SIL and fiancé.

If you are not willing to handle the fallout from this then inform the wife anonymously. This can be done via typed written letter, email from an anonymous account or someone that your in-laws do not know going to talk to the wife. 

Make sure you do it in a way that the husband cannot intercept your message.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Keeponrollin said:


> This is a tough situation...I definitly agree with your fiance because you sticking your nose into someone else marriage.
> 1) its your in-laws which could cause issues with your fiance and your relationship if he forced to choose sides between you and his parents.
> 2) If you do not have hard solid proof it will destroy your relationship with the in-laws and your fiancee will be in the middle again.
> He has talked to her and you and him have talked about it, if ANYONE needs to bring this up its your fiance to his father. If he chooses not to then support him because you know whats going to eventually happen


Not sure if it matters But my single sister-in-law is having the affair. Her parents don't know about it.
I don't know the FW or cheating H.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you tell the wife expect things to blow up between you and your SIL as well as with your fiancé. The wife will most likely tell her husband who told her. And then it will get back to your SIL and fiancé.
> 
> If you are not willing to handle the fallout from this then inform the wife anonymously. This can be done via typed written letter, email from an anonymous account or someone that your in-laws do not know going to talk to the wife.
> 
> Make sure you do it in a way that the husband cannot intercept your message.


Makes sense.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I would expose. By telling her brother, your SIL was asking for moral cover for her affair. And your fiance gave it to her. I'm sure he said that she was wrong, but she's not THAT wrong, because he's not going to expose her. He'll just cover for her and cross his fingers and hope for the best while letting his sister destroy a family.

I wouldn't play that game. If I know about an affair, then I'm telling the betrayed spouse. Period. If you don't want me exposing your affair, then make sure I don't find out about it.

You will never have a better opportunity to communicate to your fiance, and his family, that you will not accept infidelity at all.

Good luck.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I would expose. By telling her brother, your SIL was asking for moral cover for her affair. And your fiance gave it to her. I'm sure he said that she was wrong, but she's not THAT wrong, because he's not going to expose her. He'll just cover for her and cross his fingers and hope for the best while letting his sister destroy a family.
> 
> I wouldn't play that game. If I know about an affair, then I'm telling the betrayed spouse. Period. If you don't want me exposing your affair, then make sure I don't find out about it.
> 
> ...


Great point!
Can sense she already does not like me 'taking her brother away from her.' so this is going to be a tough one. 

The anonymity approach is less risky. This way the wife can investigate on her own if she chooses.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

My wife and I found out many years ago information suggesting, but not proving, infidelity on the part of my cousin's spouse. We did nothing. Later it turned out the spouse was a serial cheater and the marriage collapsed.

In retrospect I regret that we did not do anything. In our case, as at the time we had two very wise old men in the family, I think the best course of action would have been to seek their advice (wife and I were then very young). We should have found a way to communicate the information, perhaps via the parents.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Again, be very wary of marrying into families with cheaters, you'll find they will not offer good support to grow and protect your marriage.

Also be very observant of your fiancé's reactions here, they are revealing the depth and strength of their own values here. Right now is when you are gong through the interview with them, to see if you should marry them. I know it seems harsh, but don't put off thinking about and dealing with the question of comparable moral values until after you've gotten married. That's when it's expensive and painful to fix.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> The anonymity approach is less risky. This way the wife can investigate on her own if she chooses.


An anonymous tip will work when nobody knows that you know. When your fiance's sister confessed to him, and then he told you, and then the OM's wife magically found out, it won't take a genius to figure out that you told her.

Also, don't apologize for doing the right thing. Your fiance's sister is destroying a family. That's a bad thing. If you went to your fiance's sister's house and saw her beating a child, would you intervene? Or would you just think it was none of your business? What if your fiance told you that you shouldn't intervene?

Well, that's what is happening. There are innocent children at risk here. Someone should speak up for them. They don't deserve to have a father who is cheating on their mother.

And never let your fiance, or his family, or anybody else bully you into doing the wrong thing.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> An anonymous tip will work when nobody knows that you know. When your fiance's sister confessed to him, and then he told you, and then the OM's wife magically found out, it won't take a genius to figure out that you told her.
> 
> *Then what do you suggest I do?*
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> Then what do you suggest I do?


I suggest that you tell the OM's wife that her husband is screwing your fiance's sister. And then let her do with that what she will. There is a good chance that she will ignore you. That's her decision.

But your fiance's sister will almost certainly find out that she has been exposed. You might as well own it. If she accuses you of exposing her, gladly confess. Tell her that you will expose all of her affairs with married men. You're not the one in the wrong. She is.

And if you fiance makes a stink about this, then it is a black mark against him. I agree with the other posters who suggest rethinking marrying such a man. If he thinks that his sister is justified in her affair, or at least justified enough that the affair shouldn't be exposed and ended, then he's probably not the guy you want to marry.

There is a fairly high risk, statistically speaking, that your marriage will face adultery. When you are starting with a man who can justify adultery in certain circumstances, your odds go up. Way up. You want the lowest odds you can find.

Good luck.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> And never let your fiance, or his family, or anybody else bully you into doing the wrong thing.


:iagree::smthumbup::iagree:


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Feel like I did the wrong thing.
Called the faithful wife anonymously.
She asked I call her back. Unfortunately she spent that time calling her H and is expecting the other woman 's call too.
Said she knows her husband is an alcoholic and narcissistic. She has three small children whom she loves dearly and if it means she has to live with him to keep them so be it. she doesn't think he is having an affair with this other woman. Why would a husband bring her around to play tennis. He tells me they go sailing together. I told her to believe what she wanted or better hire a private investigator. She doesn't want to.



she is angry at me. Tried to explain would like someone to tell me if the situation were reversed. I was only trying to inform her if she didn't know.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well it sounds like she is in denial you did what you could the rest is up to her, not your problem.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

:iagree:


Shaggy said:


> Again, be very wary of marrying into families with cheaters, you'll find they will not offer good support to grow and protect your marriage.
> 
> Also be very observant of your fiancé's reactions here, they are revealing the depth and strength of their own values here. Right now is when you are gong through the interview with them, to see if you should marry them. I know it seems harsh, but don't put off thinking about and dealing with the question of comparable moral values until after you've gotten married. That's when it's expensive and painful to fix.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

WWHT


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My cousin had an affair on his wife, I'm pretty sure it was several. He was NEVER home and never acknowledged her as his wife. She was one of the sweetest woman I know. 

We know this for a fact because he got another woman pregnant. My cousin and i were best friends growing up and did everything together. He was not the type to cheat on his girlfriends back then. We eventually grew apart and he really has changed with his faithfulness. His baby is absolutely adorable though. I hear this new woman is really nice, but I don't expect him to remain faithful. Although, he does acknowledge her as his gf and his new baby.

It's not funny, but his parents blame his ex w for his affair. Unbelievable. Their son can do no wrong I guess. 

I do love my family, I don't agree with their lifestyle.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Well it sounds like she is in denial you did what you could the rest is up to her, not your problem.


yes .don't think I accomplished anything except giving myself more problems unfortunately. I'm sure my future sister in law knows it was me that called her. 

So should I wait until he asks me or do I tell him first? guess I just don't like conflict.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

talk123 said:


> yes .don't think I accomplished anything except giving myself more problems unfortunately. I'm sure my future sister in law knows it was me that called her. Don't know if I should tell my fiance first in case his sister asks him . If i dont mention it then he won't have to lie.
> 
> So should I wait until he asked me or do I tell him I call her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't lie, show your integrity.

People with integrity don't run from the truth, they embrace it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to apologize for.

I agree wholeheartedly that the reaction of your fiance says a lot about them.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

talk123 said:


> yes .don't think I accomplished anything except giving myself more problems unfortunately. I'm sure my future sister in law knows it was me that called her. Don't know if I should tell my fiance first in case his sister asks him . If i dont mention it then he won't have to lie.
> 
> So should I wait until he asked me or do I tell him I call her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him if you want him to trust you going forward. You have a right to do what you thought was right. You should have told him you were going against his wishes before doing so but now that you have done it, you certainly should be the one to tell him. He will get over it. He will be very mad to learn it from someone else. Not telling him is a lie by omission and will make you look like you are not trustworthy.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Tell him if you want him to trust you going forward. You have a right to do what you thought was right. You should have told him you were going against his wishes before doing so but now that you have done it, you certainly should be the one to tell him. He will get over it. He will be very mad to learn it from someone else. Not telling him is a lie by omission and will make you look like you are not trustworthy.


I did tell him a while back that if I ever found out who the faithful wife was I would tell her. He said it was none of my business. I told him I would want someone to tell me if the situation were reversed. It took a little research to find out who she was..but just thought it was the fair thing to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

talk123 said:


> I did tell him a while back that if I ever found out who the faithful wife was I would tell her. He said it was none of my business. I told him I would want someone to tell me if the situation were reversed. It took a little research to find out who she was...he may think that is crazy on my part..but just thought it was the fair thing to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


tell him what you did


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> tell him what you did


Yes will do.

I think the reason he is going to be so upset is because his sister will be screaming at him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You better make it clear with your fiance that you will not put up with cheating, her reaction is well...think about it that's all.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

tom67 said:


> You better make it clear with your fiance that you will not put up with cheating, her reaction is well...think about it that's all.


 ok
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Makes me question your fiancé as to what kind of people her family are. I'd seriously consider parting ways with her sorry to say.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Am sitting alone since he is not apeaking. He thinks I did this because I do not like his sister.
He said again it is none of our business and yelled at me for telling the OW..said we don't know the full story besides beating a child is illegal. Infidelity is not. "Are you going to change the world because you think you are so perfect?"
He thinks I am irrational.asked why I didn't get the advice of someone first.

Told him I tried but could not talk to him. When multiple members on this forum recommended it. I gave it some thought. Realized it may provide an opportunity for the wife to save the family ..get marriage counseling etc. Otherwise she could be in the dark for years not getting needed help. Also Teach kids the value of their parents word . If they opted for divorce his sister would be happy.

Still he is choosing the silent treatment. Maybe he is realizing he does not want someone who meddles.






.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Feel like I did the wrong thing.
> Called the faithful wife anonymously.
> She asked I call her back. Unfortunately she spent that time calling her H and is expecting the other woman 's call too.
> Said she knows her husband is an alcoholic and narcissistic. She has three small children whom she loves dearly and if it means she has to live with him to keep them so be it. she doesn't think he is having an affair with this other woman. Why would a husband bring her around to play tennis. He tells me they go sailing together. I told her to believe what she wanted or better hire a private investigator. She doesn't want to.
> ...


You did the right thing. Now she knows and she can make her choices based on her knowledge.

Also, don't take her reaction in the moment as the end all. She needs time to think things through. She might very well react quite a bit differently after having time to think this through and talk to people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Am sitting alone since he is not apeaking. He thinks I did this because I do not like his sister.
> He said again it is none of our business and yelled at me for telling the OW..said we don't know the full story besides beating a child is illegal. Infidelity is not. "Are you going to change the world because you think you are so perfect?"
> He thinks I am irrational.asked why I didn't get the advice of someone first.


Your fiancé does not respect you. If he did he would respect that you have the right to do whatever you think is the right thing when you find out something like this.

What you know now is that he comes from a family that will protect its members, the blood relatives, no matter what they do. This means that they will turn on you if your fiancé cheats on you.



talk123 said:


> Told him I tried but could not talk to him. When multiple members on this forum recommended it. I gave it some thought. Realized it may provide an opportunity for the wife to save the family ..get marriage counseling etc. Otherwise she could be in the dark for years not getting needed help. Also Teach kids the value of their parents word . If they opted for divorce his sister would be happy.
> 
> Still he is choosing the silent treatment. Maybe he is realizing he does not want someone who meddles.


It’s not meddling to let a person who is being victimized know what is happening to them. This man is putting his wife’s life at risk (STDs). She has the right to protect herself

At this point I’m not very impressed with your fiancé. It's one thing if he choses for himself to not tell the BW (betrayed wife). It's another to go to the point of giving you the silent treatment because you did what you felt was the right thing based on your value system.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You did the right thing. Now she knows and she can make her choices based on her knowledge.
> 
> Also, don't take her reaction in the moment as the end all. She needs time to think things through. She might very well react quite a bit differently after having time to think this through and talk to people.


The FS may change her mind and want to talk to me. Not sure I should try to re contact her.

As for my fiance, he is so disgusted right now. Not sure if he's taking this personally as an attack against his sister or because he doesn't feel as strongly about infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

It has been five hours now. He is still not talking to me.

Don't know if I should just let him be or try to talk.

Just realized how ironic this is. I've asked him not to mention certain things about me to his female co-workers, he went ahead and told them. I felt betrayed. 
This on the other hand is not about him and I was not trying to get either his sister or WS in trouble at work. I only tried to help the betrayed spouse.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

This is very childish behavior. Are you sure you still want to marry this guy? You're getting an insight into how he will behave as a husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> It has been five hours now. He is still not talking to me.
> 
> Don't know if I should just let him be or try to talk.
> 
> ...


Your fiancé is sounds like less of a catch all the time. 

He told his co-workers private things about you. But now he's upset about you telling a woman something she really needs to know?

Does his sister know that you told the BW (betrayed wife)?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Consider this a blessing.

This is the character of the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't agree with the posters that are saying her fiance is a bad person. In my opinion his reaction to this is pretty much how society deals with infidelity. It certainly doesn't make it right but I am willing to bet that only a small percentage of betrayed spouses found out about their cheating spouse through a third party. 

People notice affairs all the time and choose not to say anything, be it a coworker, a friend, or a family member. Its one of those things that we all know is wrong but few will actually call people on it. Even when people do say something its usually a warning to the cheater to the stop. Hardly, anyone has the guts to inform the betrayed whats going on. The OP should be commended for doing the right thing but in all honesty what she did is not what most people would do in the same situation.

Her fiance's reluctance in this situation is in no way a predictor if he will be a cheater or not. In fact a lot of future cheaters condemn other adulterers and loudly proclaim they would never cheat. Yet, they end up doing it anyway. The best predictor of a future cheater is if they have actually cheated in a previous relationship. 

Lastly I do understand why her fiance is upset. I commend the OP for her strength to do the right thing, but on the flip side its his family not hers. I do not interfere in the personal matters of my wife's family, and I would not appreciate it if she went against my wishes and interfered in the relationships of my family members. Yes, she did the right thing but that doesn't mean he should just be okay with it right afterwards.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> It has been five hours now. He is still not talking to me.


Sometimes, doing the right thing is difficult. If it were easy, everybody would behave correctly.

In my opinion, the only way you could have improved on your actions would have been to avoid being anonymous in the first place. I would have no problem being known around town as the affair buzz kill. If my friends or family want to have an affair, they should do their best to keep it a secret from both their spouses and from me.



> Don't know if I should just let him be or try to talk.


I would leave him alone. In fact, I would leave him alone permanently. He has chosen sides. He would rather help his sister have an affair with a married man than show you that he values the sanctity of marriage. You have been warned.

Do you think that, if he is approached by a young, attractive woman for a possible affair after you're married, he will suddenly switch his beliefs and value marriage above feeling good? I don't.

Good luck.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't agree with the posters that are saying her fiance is a bad person. In my opinion his reaction to this is pretty much how society deals with infidelity. It certainly doesn't make it right but I am willing to bet that only a small percentage of betrayed spouses found out about their cheating spouse through a third party.
> 
> People notice affairs all the time and choose not to say anything, be it a coworker, a friend, or a family member. Its one of those things that we all know is wrong but few will actually call people on it. Even when people do say something its usually a warning to the cheater to the stop. Hardly, anyone has the guts to inform the betrayed whats going on. The OP should be commended for doing the right thing but in all honesty what she did is not what most people would do in the same situation.
> 
> ...


you are right, it is best for him to deal with his sister than me. the weekend before were at his family's house and there were remnants of her affair left out for all to see. When I confronted my fiance he said oh well.

I guess part of the reason for revealing was selfish on my part to see how he would react. On the other hand I was cheated on before, EA, and have felt significant betrayal. I know how the other woman may feel and I want to help if possible. As I said if it were me I would definitely want someone to tell me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

talk123 said:


> you are right, it is best for him to deal with his sister than me. the weekend before were at his family's house and there were remnants of her affair left out for all to see. When I confronted my fiance he said oh well.
> 
> I guess part of the reason for revealing was selfish on my part to see how he would react. On the other hand I was cheated on before . I have been through significant betrayal. I know how the other woman may feel and I want to help if possible. As I said if it were me I would definitely want someone to tell me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well you got what you were looking for.

I wouldn't just be disappointed about the cheating, it's the reaction. Not talking to you, sharing secrets to coworkers about you. It's all very childish.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it . Maybe I should not have meddled. Just that My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

talk123 said:


> you are right, it is best for him to deal with his sister than me. the weekend before were at his family's house and there were remnants of her affair left out for all to see. When I confronted my fiance he said oh well.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmmm.....I take back most of my previous post. He really does appear to be indifferent to infidelity. At the very least he should not support his sister in her affair. His cavalier attitude towards it is definitely a red flag. Its one thing to not want to mettle, but indifference is a completely different animal. It shows that it really is no big deal to him.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

talk123 said:


> he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I hate to say this but I don't think he will forgive you for this. In his mind it was a "family" matter. Do you still want to be with him, or has seeing this side of him made you realize that he isn't right for you?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Part of doing the right thing is having the courage of your convictions. No offense, but you don't. You're allowing your fiance to bully you into accepting that you should be an accomplice in his sister's affairs. Given that, you should have remained quiet.

Exposing the affair means standing up to his entire family and announcing, "I will not be an accomplice to anyone's affair. I will expose any and every affair that I know of. I will do it because it is the right thing to do. If you don't like it, I don't care. You had better make sure that I never find out about any affair you may be having." That's called having boundaries.

At this point, I think you have two choices. First, you can break things off with your fiance. Tell him that you want to marry a man who takes marriage seriously. Second, you can accept that your fiance and his entire family don't take marriage seriously and apologize to them for allowing yourself to be swept up in pro-marriage indignation. Go ahead with your marriage understanding that you will very likely be divorced a few years down the road.

Good luck.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Part of doing the right thing is having the courage of your convictions. No offense, but you don't. You're allowing your fiance to bully you into accepting that you should be an accomplice in his sister's affairs. Given that, you should have remained quiet.
> 
> Exposing the affair means standing up to his entire family and announcing, "I will not be an accomplice to anyone's affair. I will expose any and every affair that I know of. I will do it because it is the right thing to do. If you don't like it, I don't care. You had better make sure that I never find out about any affair you may be having." That's called having boundaries.
> 
> ...


Thank you.

have told him I'll be quiet as long as they keep everything from me.
I am more involved with him and as a compromise have said she's welcome to come to the house I'll just leave during so everyone is comfortable.he still said I just don't get it. Maybe what someone said above is true. Trying to tell me his family comes before me. Unfortunately I'm already more involved with him. 

He is saying I act irrationally and that worries him. I wonder if he is trying to justify his actions toward me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> He is saying I act irrationally and that worries him. I wonder if he is trying to justify his actions toward me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like it. It's the standard cheater's script. He's not wrong. You're wrong. He's not crazy. You're crazy. If you buy into it, you're just giving him moral cover for his actions.

See, nobody likes being reminded of their moral failings. By supporting his sister in her affair, he became her accomplice. And affairs are wrong. And supporting affairs is wrong. And nobody likes to be wrong. So, rather than repent and change his behavior, it's much easier to just redefine the standards of what is right and wrong so that wrong becomes right. Up becomes down. Hooray! All he needs is for you to say that he was right to be his sister's accomplice.

This is about destroying standards. Traditionally, marriage was more important than the people in it. The husband and wife conformed their behavior to the standards of marriage. And their friends, family, and neighbors all held them to their commitments. Now, people are more important than the institution of marriage. Well sure, they took vows. But what if one of them isn't haaapy? Obviously that person should abandon his spouse and his children and the institution of marriage and go get some tail and we should all applaud his selfishness and support his difficult decision to only care about himself. How brave.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry but it doesn't sound like your fiance, his sister, or his family in general have much integrity or respect for marriage period. He's blaming you instead of placing the blame where it should really lie, which is his sister. 

This is a pretty big red flag, especially when you're not even married yet. Whether you should have taken action or not IMO is a different debate entirely, but you're basically apologizing to your fiance for doing the right thing and refusing to be an accomplice in a situation that you find morally wrong. 

You need to question if this is the type of man you want to be involved with and his relatives the type of people you're willing to call family. It's also not a good sign how quick and willing you are to take the blame from everyone to soothe your fiance and everyone else's feelings when out of everyone involved IMO you share the least amount of blame. It sounds like that family is willing to throw you under the bus yet willing to rugsweep her actions.

I can understand him being upset for you going against his wishes, but the majority of his anger should be at his sister and himself for his behavior as well.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Sorry but it doesn't sound like your fiance, his sister, or his family in general have much integrity or respect for marriage period. He's blaming you instead of placing the blame where it should really lie, which is his sister.
> 
> This is a pretty big red flag, especially when you're not even married yet. Whether you should have taken action or not IMO is a different debate entirely, but you're basically apologizing to your fiance for doing the right thing and refusing to be an accomplice in a situation that you find morally wrong.
> 
> ...


Yes I see he is upset because I went against his wishes. I told him his sister is upset because someone the wife yelled at her.

He said he was afraid all yesterday that his sister may commit suicide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

He is not contacting me today. You are right I am trying to compromise as long as I don't have to hear about the affair anymore. Don't think that is such a bad thing. He repeatedly admitted this morning that her affair was wrong but it was also wrong of me to involve myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

talk123 said:


> He is not contacting me today. You are right I am trying to compromise as long as I don't have to hear about the affair anymore. Don't think that is such a bad thing. He repeatedly admitted this morning that her affair was wrong but it was also wrong of me to involve myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're going to go ahead and marry this guy you need to spend a little time reading threads in the Coping with Infidelity section. You need to educate yourself about the clues that indicate an affair so when it happens you won't be caught off guard.

You might want to consider a pre-nup also.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> He is not contacting me today.


He's playing you. He's betting that he can punish you and you will cave just to keep the peace.



> You are right I am trying to compromise as long as I don't have to hear about the affair anymore. Don't think that is such a bad thing.


And he was right. You're caving.



> He repeatedly admitted this morning that her affair was wrong but it was also wrong of me to involve myself.


Here's a formula for interpreting contradictory statements like that.

_Stuff I don't really mean_, *BUT* _stuff I really mean_.

When your boyfriend says, "Sure my sister was wrong to have an affair, BUT we all should have been her accomplices in carrying on her affair." What do you think he means? It seems clear to me that he's placing much more blame and fault on you than he is on his sister. And that tells you all you need to know.

When you have said several times that you and your boyfriend are involved, so you won't break up with him, I assume you mean that you are shacked up with him and you have children together. If so, I still don't know why you need to marry him. After your pro-marriage stand, he may not even want to marry you any longer. He may be looking for a more morally flexible woman (like his sister) to marry.

If you mean something less than you already have kids together, then there's no reason you can't break up. He's already giving you all the red flags you need to know that there is trouble ahead if you expect to have a faithful, monogamous relationship with him.

Good luck.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> have told him I'll be quiet as long as they keep everything from me.
> I am more involved with him and as a compromise have said she's welcome to come to the house I'll just leave during so everyone is comfortable.he still said I just don't get it. Maybe what someone said above is true. Trying to tell me his family comes before me. Unfortunately I'm already more involved with him.
> ...


If this is the kind of compromise you have in your life expect to have major problems. Take it from someone who was in your shoes.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

He still is not talking so I am ignoring him too. I guess he wants to be alone.

Appreciate the help you have all given.


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## luv2luv (Mar 28, 2013)

I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here.

I think you were wrong to tell. I think it was irrational. You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister. If I told my brother something because I know he loves me and will love me regardless of how many bad choices I make, and he betrays me by telling someone who wouldn't give a thought to my well being but care about strangers and their problems, then I would be livid with my brother and might not wan to be around him. He is obviously not trust worthy, he is so enchanted by his wife that he'd let her screw me over because she feels like it. He is choosing to share my life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

Do not get me wrong, my brother would still think I was wrong. He would think I was doing something bad, but he would stand with me because he loves me, especially against a stranger. If I treated his wife badly he would stand for her because he loves her. But he would never pick others over me. Just as he wouldn't pick others over his wife. 

And before anyone says it, this dude is not picking his sister over his fiancé. His fiancé decided to screw his sister over to test him, for $hits and giggles. She betrayed him and did not act like family. She drew first blood here, by picking a stranger over him and his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your fiancé is sounds like less of a catch all the time.
> 
> He told his co-workers private things about you. But now he's upset about you telling a woman something she really needs to know?
> 
> Does his sister know that you told the BW (betrayed wife)?





COguy said:


> Consider this a blessing.
> 
> This is the character of the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?





COguy said:


> Well you got what you were looking for.
> 
> I wouldn't just be disappointed about the cheating, it's the reaction. Not talking to you, sharing secrets to coworkers about you. It's all very childish.


OP, instead of worrying about your fiancé's feelings, it's time you start thinking about whether or not going through with the marriage is a good idea.
Currently he is behaving as if you telling the wife about the affair is a personal betrayal of him & nothing could be further from the truth.
Yet, he has betrayed you in a way that defies being concerned about your feelings on that matter.
He is selfish & does what he pleases, when it pleases HIM, he has shown he will do what he wants, even at the risk of hurting you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you did the right thing here and as always, doing the right thing has a price. Your future sister in law was behaving like a pig (sorry, but that's how I feel) and she is a home wrecker. The wife has the right to know. Unfortunately, I think this is ultimately going to cost you your relationship. I think your fiancé is going to call off the wedding and dump you. His family's acceptance of his sister sleeping with a married man says a lot about them and they aren't going to tolerate someone like you. Now I hope I'm wrong .... but I don't think so. Don't expect that it will dawn on them all of a sudden that you are right and she is wrong. Be prepared, the fall out is going to get worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.


One of the major problems I see here is that he and his sister tried to make you an accomplice to her affair by telling you about it. As you said, she even left things from her affair in full view for the entire family to view, thus dragging her entire family into her wrong doing.

And then this dysfunctional family expects you to keep quiet about it and play along no matter what your personal beliefs/feelings are. 

They are wrong. This is not what you do to someone you care about. Some families have a rule about looking the other way and protecting each other no matter what. IT's a dangerous precedence to set in a family.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> One of the major problems I see here is that he and his sister tried to make you an accomplice to her affair by telling you about it. As you said, she even left things from her affair in full view for the entire family to view, thus dragging her entire family into her wrong doing.
> 
> And then this dysfunctional family expects you to keep quiet about it and play along no matter what your personal beliefs/feelings are.
> 
> They are wrong. This is not what you do to someone you care about. Some families have a rule about looking the other way and protecting each other no matter what. IT's a dangerous precedence to set in a family.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

luv2luv said:


> I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here.
> 
> I think you were wrong to tell. I think it was irrational. You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister. If I told my brother something because I know he loves me and will love me regardless of how many bad choices I make, and he betrays me by telling someone who wouldn't give a thought to my well being but care about strangers and their problems, then I would be livid with my brother and might not wan to be around him. He is obviously not trust worthy, he is so enchanted by his wife that he'd let her screw me over because she feels like it. He is choosing to share my life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.
> 
> ...


Sister -in-law likes to give out advice. I reciprocated.. I nicely reminded her how beautiful and intelligent she was. also has a great job another reason many single men would love to date her - It is true.

Her response, "life is short. I enjoy him and if I can give this man something he is missing I will. His wife does not understand how he needs weekends away from work and the kids ." Explained marriages have ups and downs and she should encourage him to work with his family. She didn't want to hear it.

Can't help how I feel but that response made me sick. I understood no regards marriage or the wife with three small children. How do you get through to someone like that? Next she leaves remnants of her affair weekend out at a common summer house for my kids to see. Kids even asked what went on.

So I did not do this for giggles. I've been betrayed before and its awful! Do you know how hard it is when your gut tells you there is something wrong in your relationship but you have no hard proof other than a few suggestive emails and your sig other says it is all in you head, you are crazy, we are just friends? I always wished anyone informed me.
That's why I would like to do the same for anyone else. I think many spouses know something is wrong but they have no proof and are called jealous, crazy etc. The WS denies and the affair flourishes. 

I will think twice next time before telling though. I'd rather start out with a hint to gauge their reaction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Sister -in-law likes to give out advice. I reciprocated.. I nicely reminded her how beautiful and intelligent she was. also has a great job another reason many single men would love to date her - It is true.
> 
> Her response, "life is short. I enjoy him and if I can give this man something he is missing I will. His wife does not understand how he needs weekends away from work and the kids ." Explained marriages have ups and downs and she should encourage him to work with his family. She didn't want to hear it.
> 
> ...


I think that in the long run the wife will understand that you did the right thing and she will appreciate it. by doing so you took the 'crazy' out of her life. Now she knows that she's not the crazy one. 

I too wish that someone would have told me when my son's father cheated. It was not until after my divorce that people started talking to me about his infidelities. I was furious... furious at them for never telling me when it would have really helped me. It's been over 16 years and I still cannot associate with any of my old 'friends' who helped my ex hide his affairs. Why did they do it? Because they did not want to get involved.

I have no use for people who 'don't want to get involved'. What kind of spineless twits do that?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I think you did the right thing here and as always, doing the right thing has a price. Your future sister in law was behaving like a pig (sorry, but that's how I feel) and she is a home wrecker. The wife has the right to know. Unfortunately, I think this is ultimately going to cost you your relationship. I think your fiancé is going to call off the wedding and dump you. His family's acceptance of his sister sleeping with a married man says a lot about them and they aren't going to tolerate someone like you. Now I hope I'm wrong .... but I don't think so. Don't expect that it will dawn on them all of a sudden that you are right and she is wrong. Be prepared, the fall out is going to get worse.


The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening. 

If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

luv2luv said:


> I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here.
> 
> I think you were wrong to tell. I think it was irrational. You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister. If I told my brother something because I know he loves me and will love me regardless of how many bad choices I make, and he betrays me by telling someone who wouldn't give a thought to my well being but care about strangers and their problems, then I would be livid with my brother and might not wan to be around him. He is obviously not trust worthy, he is so enchanted by his wife that he'd let her screw me over because she feels like it. He is choosing to share my life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.
> 
> ...


Your argument would hold more weight if she was like, "Wow this was so bad, I'm so sorry brother what do I do? How can I make this right?"

And he was like, "Sis, you know this is wrong. I will stand by you but this is not right and you should stop this bad behavior."

Instead it was more like, "Hey I'm screwing this married guy, it's so awesome. Don't tell anyone or I'll kill you."

And he was like, "Don't you dare go against my sister, it's none of your business. BTW I told people at work your secrets."


If he was really just an awesome brother who felt betrayed, he would have told her sister what she was doing was wrong. Instead, he just covered for her. Ethics...the family has none.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.
> 
> If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.


Actually, yes. If you are adamantly against cheating, then you would have no problem NOT inviting a relative to family functions, if they are cheating... no matter WHO they are. Would I disown a relative for cheating? No. Would I severely limit contact? You better believe it. And yes, no matter what anyone else may think, it really IS that simple. You either condone it or you don't. And, if you don't, then you give consequences... which very well may include disowning, or at least limiting contact. It doesn't mean you don't love your relative... but it DOES mean you stand firm in your resolve to NOT have that around you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.
> 
> If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.


There is another, very loving way for a family to handle something like the sister’s infidelity. It’s to tell her that either she ends the affair or you will disclose it to the wife. This is how my family operates. If someone is doing something very wrong we don’t just cajole them and let them drag us into their drama. Instead we do whatever is necessary to encourage them to do the right thing.

“Still loving” a family member does not mean that you put up with their wrong doings.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I read the whole thread then thought about it for a bit.

You have to live with yourself. For me, if I had a family member or inlaw who was doing something like that, I could not let it go and be polite to them. Therefore I could not have done what your fiance seems to be requesting. By my values, you were being asked to be an accomplice in a serious deception. Sorry, no way. 

I also believe that love is not enough for a marriage. If you and your fiance can get past this, then the relationship will get stronger. If you cannot....well better you find out now.

This is in addition to the questions the incident raises about your fiance's attitude to infidelity, which matters in a marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I read the whole thread then thought about it for a bit.
> 
> You have to live with yourself. For me, if I had a family member or inlaw who was doing something like that, I could not let it go and be polite to them. Therefore I could not have done what your fiance seems to be requesting. By my values, you were being asked to be an accomplice in a serious deception. Sorry, no way.
> 
> ...


Yes Wazza yes!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.
> 
> If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.


Well we don't know what kind of sh1t the family is giving the sister in law but I'm willing to bet, judging by the reaction of the fiance, that talk123 is going to be hated by his family for a long time to come (if not forever) for this interference. I agree with you that blood thicker than water (or future daughter in law blood) and in the end the fiance's family will side with their own daughters abhorrent behavior. It still doesn't make it right. Unfortunately, I saw this in my own family while growing up, I just wasn't quite aware of all the implications at the time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

luv2luv said:


> I think you were wrong to tell. ... You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister.
> 
> And before anyone says it, this dude is not picking his sister over his fiancé. His fiancé decided to screw his sister over to test him, for $hits and giggles. She betrayed him and did not act like family. She drew first blood here, by picking a stranger over him and his family.


No offense, but your position is morally reprehensible. We're not talking about two adults who can fend for themselves. If the sister was trying to steal another woman's boyfriend, then I agree that one should just let it go.

But the sister is trying to steal the father of three innocent children. If she succeeds, then three children will be more at risk for doing worse in school, dropping out, teenage pregnancy, joining a gang, being incarcerated, using drugs and alcohol early, and virtually every other imaginable metric for the well being of a child. In all likelihood, their lives will be forever worsened if their father abandons them for this floozy.

And you think she should have just sided with blood over children? Seriously? What if the sister was directly molesting children? Should she still keep her mouth shut? I mean, screw those kids, right?

It's posts like these that really sadden me. Morally, we're watching the fall of Rome here. "As long as something doesn't directly affect me, then I don't care. Are children being hurt? As long as they're not my kids, I don't care. And I will go so far as to chastise anyone who does actually care as being morally wrong."

Break out your fiddles, folks.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

talk123 said:


> he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. *He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You didn't ruin sh!t!!!!! His sister is the one running around sleeping with a married man!!!

I would seriously take a pause and think long and hard about marrying this guy. Some of how you have described him sound like my ex. Passive aggressive behavior (not speaking), conflict avoidance, the whole female co-worker and sharing intimate/embarrassing details. Just be careful.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

It's controversial. I agree with posters of the both sides - just partially. 
What the OP did was right, but not because she should have cared about the BW more than about her fiancee. Because she feels it was right, and it makes her feel good. Otherwise she would have felt horrible for going against her own principles.
The fiancee is understandably upset - as someone else said, it's his sister, and even if she is wrong, she's still his sister. And just like this person said as well, there are plenty of cheaters who booo-ed at others cheaters before, just to start their own affair later on. I wouldn't be surprised at all if some of the posters who advocate in loud voices how the fiancee has no morals, came back one day to post like a WS : "Oops, I had an affair, help !" 

As a paranthese, I know of a couple I worked with. The guy was hitting on every female in his path behind his gf's back. Eventually, someone- a friend of the GF found the guts to do "the right thing" and inform her. The GF got mad at cut her friend out for being a "jealous liar". Convinced that her BF would not do such thing. The girl lost a friend, even if what she did was the right thing.
So...for the OP..if you feel that it was worth it to possibly have sacrificed this relationship for a principle, then definitely, you did the right thing. Otherwise, you may regret it.

I hope you and your BF can have a serious discussion about principles and can work this out.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

talk123 said:


> So I did not do this for giggles. I've been betrayed before and its awful! Do you know how hard it is when your gut tells you there is something wrong in your relationship but you have no hard proof other than a few suggestive emails and your sig other says it is all in you head, you are crazy, we are just friends? I always wished anyone informed me.
> That's why I would like to do the same for anyone else. I think many spouses know something is wrong but they have no proof and are called jealous, crazy etc. The WS denies and the affair flourishes.


Re-Read this. Remember what it was like for you. 

Do you want to go down that road again possibly? B/c your fiance is already trying to paint you crazy and overreacting and shifting blame over to you for the little bit of exposure you did. That coupled with the fact he doesn't respect marriage, or even what you have went through being cheated on. I would think him knowing your history and how you feel about infidelity would be more than enough to completely understand where you are coming from.

- Does he normally have empathy towards you or others?
- Does he take you seriously when you tell him how hurt/disrespected you feel when he shares things with co workers? Or does he just kinda laugh, blow it off and then say you are silly, its no big deal?
- How often is he passive aggressive with you? Daily? Weekly? (Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Form of Domestic Abuse) 
- What are his true feelings about cheating? Is it a one and done thing with him? Would he be willing to R? 
- Does he have the "What they don't know won't hurt them" type attitude?
- Obviously blood is thicker than water with him...how will you two handle the onslaught of protecting your marriage from his families toxic blabber? Especially since they probably won't like you here on out..? Realize right now, his family will not be friends to your marriage
- Is he willing to go to marriage counseling prior to getting married to work on communication?

Just some questions for you to think about. This situation of exposure should be the least of your worries right now. If I was you, especially with the past history of infidelity, I would really try to figure out if this guy was worth saying "I DO" with. Look at his behavior - any red flags pop out that are similar to your ex that cheated? 

Watch and observe. Forget what come out of his mouth for now - watch his actions.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> It's controversial. I agree with posters of the both sides - just partially.
> What the OP did was right, but not because she should have cared about the BW more than about her fiancee. Because she feels it was right, and it makes her feel good. Otherwise she would have felt horrible for going against her own principles.
> The fiancee is understandably upset - as someone else said, it's his sister, and even if she is wrong, she's still his sister. And just like this person said as well, there are plenty of cheaters who booo-ed at others cheaters before, just to start their own affair later on.


Your post pretty much sums up my feelings. I understand and agree that the sister's behavior is awful. What I don't get is all the hostility towards the fiance. His sister cheats and it automatically makes him a poor choice for a future husband? Based on what? We don't know enough about their relationship to come to that conclusion.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I come from a huge family, and most of them are divorced, and many of them have strayed. My parents split because of my mom's infidelity. I kind of knew that it was happening, but I couldn't get anything substantial to bring to my dad. If I could have? I would have in a heartbeat. But my dad found out on his own, thankfully, when my mom left dirty letters in her backpack.

My dad was recently in a relationship with someone amazing and strong who truly loves him! But when things started to not go his way, he decided to cheat on her with another woman. This is my father cheating. So I outed him to his girlfriend. He's angry of course and probably feels betrayed though he won't admit to it. I don't regret it though, as he knows exactly what it feels like go be cheated on and has no business doing it.

I say you did the right thing. My dad's ex might have been in pain and a little angry with me at first, but in the end she told me she needed to know and is glad I told her. It is a hard thing to do, to tell the truth like that, but ask yourself if you would want to know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Battleworn said:


> I come from a huge family, and most of them are divorced, and many of them have strayed. My parents split because of my mom's infidelity. I kind of knew that it was happening, but I couldn't get anything substantial to bring to my dad. If I could have? I would have in a heartbeat. But my dad found out on his own, thankfully, when my mom left dirty letters in her backpack.
> 
> My dad was recently in a relationship with someone amazing and strong who truly loves him! But when things started to not go his way, he decided to cheat on her with another woman. This is my father cheating. So I outed him to his girlfriend. He's angry of course and probably feels betrayed though he won't admit to it. I don't regret it though, as he knows exactly what it feels like go be cheated on and has no business doing it.
> 
> ...


Wow, I am starting to think that I have a huge moral blindspot. I thought I was getting better. I could never do what you did. My hats off to you and the other posters in this thread that would so the same. I would be too afraid of the blow back.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Your post pretty much sums up my feelings. I understand and agree that the sister's behavior is awful. What I don't get is all the hostility towards the fiance. His sister cheats and it automatically makes him a poor choice for a future husband? Based on what? We don't know enough about their relationship to come to that conclusion.


Based on his reaction to his sister cheating and his fiancée telling the omw. The theory is that anyone that supports a cheater in their cheating doesn't have enough of a problem with cheating to be trustworthy.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

talk123 said:


> He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually its his sister (unless they are all condoning her affair). You didn't technically do anything wrong, you saw an injustice and tried to correct it.

He should have confronted his sister to get her to end it. She is making the family look bad and them ignoring the A is basically enabling it. 

IF you are going to be his wife one day he needs to understand that is going to mean putting you ahead of his family. You do need to think about what you are getting into with him. 

From his POV, he thinks you disrespected him by going against his wishes (and technically you did). The problem I think is that he should have made an effort to stop it, it should have never come to you having to do this.

I think you did the right thing, I'd done the same thing myself even if it was my sister.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

talk123 said:


> he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm, this is truly sad...of your Fiance.

So his sister shacks up with a married man. And YOU ruined everything and betrayed everyone because you exposed? Hmmmm. Do you see the moral compass that is instilled in this family.

This isn't a man of character. I'm sorry to say. If he was, but didn't like meddling you would've gotten a "I understand why you said something, it's probably the right thing to do, but I don't like that you went behind my families back. We should've told my sister that she needs to own up to this with her OM's wife or you will. Let it be her choice."

But he's not a man of character. He's about convenience and blameshifting. The true test of a person isn't when things are easy and going your way, they are when things are against you. Well he dropped you like a bad habit and looks at you with disgust. IS THIS THE TYPE OF MAN YOU WANT? Do you want your children raised with THESE morals? Because guess what, if you have kids with him, they'll think like him and his family.

Here's what you need to do, if you truly don't like what he is showing to you. Next time he lays into you. Take your ring off and hand it to him. Tell him "I always dreamed of marrying a man who comes from a strong family, is a man of ethics, even when it's not convenient, who's a man of character and strong moral fiber. I will not give up on that dream. If you think you can develop those traits, call me. If you want to continue to be THIS man. Don't. If you can't figure out what I'm talking about....don't bother either."


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Here's what you need to do, if you truly don't like what he is showing to you. Next time he lays into you. Take your ring off and hand it to him. Tell him "I always dreamed of marrying a man who comes from a strong family, is a man of ethics, even when it's not convenient, who's a man of character and strong moral fiber. I will not give up on that dream. If you think you can develop those traits, call me. If you want to continue to be THIS man. Don't. If you can't figure out what I'm talking about....don't bother either."


That would be a huge mistake. Character and morals aren't something you develop overnight. Most people don't change. This ultimatum would provide an easy excuse to get out of this conflict, only to find out nothing changed after they are married. 

One thing I have learned from this site, do not ignore character flaws.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> That would be a huge mistake. Character and morals aren't something you develop overnight. Most people don't change. This ultimatum would provide an easy excuse to get out of this conflict, only to find out nothing changed after they are married.
> 
> One thing I have learned from this site, do not ignore character flaws.


I agree. If I was the OP, I would dump this sorry excuse for a man.....

But I TRY not to give advise from my very black and white view of the world .


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Nice to know there are others that care.

BTW he is talking to me now as if nothing happened. I still feel hurt by things and manner they were said, and that I probably am not understood. I'm almost afraid to bring it up again.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

talk123 said:


> Nice to know there are others that care.
> 
> BTW he is talking to me now as if nothing happened. I still feel hurt by things and manner they were said, and that I probably am not understood. I'm almost afraid to bring it up again.


Not sure if that first sentence was sarcasm or genuine... :scratchhead:

So I have to ask... do you want to "just let it go"? Do you want to just accept that it "is what it is"? Most importantly... do you want to continue like this with him? He is acting like nothing happened for one reason: you backed down. You compromised your principles to please him. Before you try saying that you didn't, I will remind you of your proposed compromise over this. By accepting his terms, by accepting what he has said about ruining his family, and not defending what you know to be true and right, you have compromised your principles. Of course he's acting like nothing has happened. He knows that if he applies enough guilt and pressure to you, you will cave. And, it's just a matter of time before you completely cave to his will. So, you need to ask yourself... are you willing to live with this for the rest of your life? If so, then I will only wish you luck. There is no more advice I can give you. If not, then you need to decide what you are going to do. Again, I wish you luck. But in this case, I would do what I can to advise you. It's up to you what you are going to put up with and what you are not. No one can make that decision for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You did the right thing. I would have to tell him his sister is no longer welcome in your house along with any more immoral relatives or friends of his.

Cheating, by reading in the infidelity section, definitely runs in families. Be ever watchful.

Anyone that cheats simply gets what they deserve when they are found out. Evidently she wasn't as cool with cheating as she thought or your fiance would not fear her commiting suicide. 

Is she still cheating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Nice to know there are others that care.
> 
> BTW he is talking to me now as if nothing happened. I still feel hurt by things and manner they were said, and that I probably am not understood. I'm almost afraid to bring it up again.


I'm concerned because you compromised and told him that you will leave YOUR home when his sister comes to visit him. It's not reasonable at all that you leave your home. It's your home. You did nothing wrong.

My suggestion is that you go back to him and tell him that you will not do this. Instead, just tell him that his sister is welcome to visit your home as long as she treats you with respect. That you expect him to explain to her that her affair is wrong and she is wrong to expect anyone else to help her keep it secret. That while he would not have told, you have every right to do so to protect the innocent parties: his wife and children.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Not sure if that first sentence was sarcasm or genuine... :scratchhead:
> 
> .


Genuine of course. It is nice to know people would care for the BS even though he/ or she is a stranger.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You did the right thing. I would have to tell him his sister is no longer welcome in your house along with any more immoral relatives or friends of his.
> 
> Is she still cheating?


Had a difficult time speaking with the BS. She is in denial. Said she knows her H has problems (including narcissist) but loves her children dearly and will do whatever it takes to keep her family together. Otherwise fears her H will take them away from her. 

BS thinks H may be having affair but since her H is not hiding this girl (example revealed played tennis together) can't believe it would be her. BS said the OW just called her to say this was all a huge *misunderstanding.* Though in denial said she was angry and planned to call her back and give her a piece of her mind. So don't know what has happened since.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm concerned because you compromised and told him that you will leave YOUR home when his sister comes to visit him. It's not reasonable at all that you leave your home. It's your home. You did nothing wrong.
> 
> My suggestion is that you go back to him and tell him that you will not do this. Instead, just tell him that his sister is welcome to visit your home as long as she treats you with respect. That you expect him to explain to her that her affair is wrong and she is wrong to expect anyone else to help her keep it secret. That while he would not have told, you have every right to do so to protect the innocent parties: his wife and children.


Actually I know him and he would not want me to leave the house.
According to him, she may never want to visit us again and *that saddens him*.

He has said previously he thinks his sister needs help -- house is unlivable because she can't throw things anything etc. As far as telling her I had every right to expose the affair I doubt he would ever say that. I'm afraid to bring up the topic again. 

For the future, I have a feeling no one will discuss his name again , at least not around me. If they do, I will surely follow your advice above. It makes sense. Right now I am afraid to discuss.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm concerned because you compromised and told him that you will leave YOUR home when his sister comes to visit him. It's not reasonable at all that you leave your home. It's your home. You did nothing wrong.
> 
> My suggestion is that you go back to him and tell him that you will not do this. Instead, just tell him that his sister is welcome to visit your home as long as she treats you with respect. That you expect him to explain to her that her affair is wrong and she is wrong to expect anyone else to help her keep it secret. That while he would not have told, you have every right to do so to protect the innocent parties: his wife and children.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Had a difficult time speaking with the BS. She is in denial. Said she knows her H has problems (including narcissist) but loves her children dearly and will do whatever it takes to keep her family together. Otherwise fears her H will take them away from her.
> 
> BS thinks H may be having affair but since her H is not hiding this girl (example revealed played tennis together) can't believe it would be her. BS said the OW just called her to say this was all a huge *misunderstanding.* Though in denial said she was angry and planned to call her back and give her a piece of her mind. So don't know what has happened since.


It sounds like this is far from over as it seems that the BS is coming to terms with what's really going on in her marriage.


If she talks to you again, let her know that he cannot take the children away from her. She needs to see an attorney and find out her rights.

If she wants to try to get him to end his affair....

well giving her a link to this place would help her no matter what she does.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

[QUOTE=EleGirl;3458097]It sounds like this is far from over as it seems that the BS is coming to terms with what's really going on in her marriage.


If she talks to you again, let her know that he cannot take the children away from her. She needs to see an attorney and find out her rights.

If she wants to try to get him to end his affair....

well giving her a link to this place would help her no matter what she does.[/QUOTE

I think the only way I'll talk to her again is if she contacts me.I was a bit confused. She was in denial of the affair however she had hired an attorney.so I like you have no idea why she is still worried he may take the kids from her.I realize I can only offer her support if she asks. because I was anonymous,, I'm not sure she feels if she can trust me.

if I find out that my fiance has told his sister it was me, I may recontact and let her know who I am.then maybe I will be more credible in her eyes..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I wouldn't contact her again, regardless. You gave her the information she needed. What she does with that information is none of your business.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> I think the only way I'll talk to her again is if she contacts me.I was a bit confused. She was in denial of the affair however she had hired an attorney.so I like you have no idea why she is still worried he may take the kids from her.I realize I can only offer her support if she asks. because I was anonymous,, I'm not sure she feels if she can trust me.


People have a lot of unfounded fears. 



talk123 said:


> if I find out that my fiance has told his sister it was me, I may recontact and let her know who I am.then maybe I will be more credible in her eyes..


If SIL does not know that you told, why does your fiancé say that you ruined their family? :scratchhead:


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I wouldn't contact her again, regardless. You gave her the information she needed. What she does with that information is none of your business.


Considered because BS thought I was the mistress and she kept asking who I was. Did not believe her H would bring his parmour (who my future sister in law) around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> People have a lot of unfounded fears.
> 
> 
> 
> If SIL does not know that you told, why does your fiancé say that you ruined their family? :scratchhead:


Good question. Maybe because he had planned to tell her it was me.
Maybe it was an excuse. Maybe he wanted to blame me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

talk123 said:


> Considered because BS thought I was the mistress and she kept asking who I was. Did not believe her H would bring his parmour (who my future sister in law) around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand. But it's not your job to convince her that you're telling the truth. In some cases, denial is too strong to penetrate. I would do nothing further.

If she cares to investigate her husband, she should be able to discover his affair fairly easily. If she doesn't, then it's her decision.

The point of telling a betrayed spouse is not to make her believe you. It's to give her some warning. To make her aware of the possibility. You've done that.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I understand. But it's not your job to convince her that you're telling the truth. In some cases, denial is too strong to penetrate. I would do nothing further.
> 
> If she cares to investigate her husband, she should be able to discover his affair fairly easily. If she doesn't, then it's her decision.
> 
> The point of telling a betrayed spouse is not to make her believe you. It's to give her some warning. To make her aware of the possibility. You've done that.


O.K. Thank you.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm concerned because you compromised and told him that you will leave YOUR home when his sister comes to visit him. It's not reasonable at all that you leave your home. It's your home. You did nothing wrong.
> 
> My suggestion is that you go back to him and tell him that you will not do this. Instead, just tell him that his sister is welcome to visit your home as long as she treats you with respect. That you expect him to explain to her that her affair is wrong and she is wrong to expect anyone else to help her keep it secret. That while he would not have told, you have every right to do so to protect the innocent parties: his wife and children.



Thanks. Makes a lot of sense. Will try.

I did mention to him that his sister seems entitled...she does not have to live by everyone else's rules. He listened with no response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> Thanks. Makes a lot of sense. Will try.
> 
> I did mention to him that his sister seems entitled...she does not have to live by everyone else's rules. He listened with no response.


What does she do besides this affair that is flaunting the rules?


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What does she do besides this affair that is flaunting the rules?


I started this thread for advice about whether or not to tell the BS of her H's affair with my family member. I changed the story a bit to maintain _anonymity_. The A has been revealed, no longer need to protect anyone anymore and now it is a different problem. So in order to answer your question, I have been married and I love my H. 

Get the feeling my Sister-in-law thinks I have taken her brother away. An example, their mom was seriously injured several years ago. Our family Flew in to see her before she passed. Sis in law told my H, it was not our place to be there. 

Other things.. she has driven three hours to have him remove a splinter from her finger. During some visits, she spoke standing close to him and ignored me as if I was wasn't in the room. She will whisper to him anything to do with their family's summer home if I am around.

So in general not flaunting the rules but get the feeling she likes having a secret from the BS.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talk123 said:


> I started this thread for advice about whether or not to tell the BS of her H's affair with my family member. I changed the story a bit to maintain _anonymity_. The A has been revealed, no longer need to protect anyone anymore and now it is a different problem. So in order to answer your question, I have been married and I love my H.
> 
> Get the feeling my Sister-in-law thinks I have taken her brother away. An example, their mom was seriously injured several years ago. Our family Flew in to see her before she passed. Sis in law told my H, it was not our place to be there.
> 
> ...


She sounds like the type who plays people against each other... a drama queen. Makes sense.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She sounds like the type who plays people against each other... a drama queen. Makes sense.


Don't know. I was thinking she is more on the competitive type. Get the feeling she is laughing about her affair, taking her H away, behind the other woman's back. 

Funny she will send her brother emails saying they have a tight knit family (the immediate family), yet she has no problem destroying other's.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

I appreciate all the help and good advice from everyone. Having this information has given me confidence when discussing with H and a lot to think about.


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