# Moving Forward



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I have not posted here in a while. I think my last post was around October..

I've been married for 18 years together for 20. Our problems started as the usual loss of communication, busy with work, kids and just life. We started to drift apart but we didn't do the things necessary to re-connect. We just kept drifting and drifting. Finally after just over 10 years of marriage I thought it would end. We went to MC, things got a little better, then another round of MC a year later. 

Things did get better. We started to connect again but then life.....busy with work and things plus it was hard to look past all the years of distance and hurt. The hurt we both felt from feeling neglected. Still I always felt this was something we could change. The problem is there are so many years of distance, hurt, anger and feelings of disconnect...she can't see it being fixed. 

It was in October that we had the talk again. During that talk it was decided that she could not manage to work on this any longer. I contacted an attorney to begin then a few weeks later she said she signed up for Pre-Paid Legal services at work to help her with legal costs but that would not Start until January of this year.

So for months I waited and hoped. During that time I think we started to connect again. Playing board games, going to movies, out to eat etc. Sometimes we did these things alone other times with the kids. 

I thought that might be a good sign like perhaps we were re-connecting on some level that might mean we would stay together. 

January came and wend and still we did not talk about the divorce at all. I knew the talk would have to come one way or another, we would have to talk about it.

Yesterday we went to the movies then lunch. During lunch she brought it up. Perhaps I was being foolish all those months just hoping. We talked about the kids then she said she spoke to an attorney and her feeling have not changed about the divorce. 

I can't say I was shocked because I wasn't. I knew we talked about divorce in October and it was headed that way I just kept hoping but never during those few months did we talk about it and she never hinted at anything getting better. There was no talk about it at all.

So today I wake up knowing it's over. We will divorce. I will keep the house, get 50% custody and have very little financial obligation to her. I guess that's a good thing right? I mean that's about as good as I can hope for.

The thing is I don't want to lose her, I love her. I don't want to see my kids 50% of the time I want to see them every single day.

This is painful. I don't know how to start over after 20 years. I'm 43 now and I don't want to start over. I want my family intact. My only option now is to face it and move on while trying to keep my head up and be strong for myself and my kids.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

So sorry that your going through this, I don't have much advice but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Hello oviid. Sorry that you are going through this. All you can do really is like you said, face it. And try to focus on a better, happier and healthier you. If things change later on, you can re-evaluate things then. For now, all you can do is focus on yourself and your children.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid,

What have you done to make yourself attractive?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your probable divorce. You might as well start working on you. There is a slim possibility that it will help her see you in a better light and if not, at least you'll feel better when it's all done. 

By the way, did you guys ever sort out the issue of not spending enough time together?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Conrad said:


> oviid,
> 
> What have you done to make yourself attractive?


I am confident in myself. I'm successful in business and I am good with the kids. As for physical attributes I am in shape, not like gym rat shape, but I am thin to average, take good care of myself with the clothes I wear too. To make myself attractive is not the issue as I have always maintained my appearance. I understand there's more to appearing attractive than those things so..

I have friends, we get together. I have hobbies that I enjoy too and I have my own life. I am polite, respectful and have integrity. These attributes have not been adopted to seem attractive they are just the way I am.

I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do to appear like a good match in her eyes. Our problems stem over many years and it's the idea of trying to get past all those years that is presenting the obstacle. To me that obstacle is not something I can't overcome, I can, but I can't make her want to do that.





MSP said:


> Sorry to hear about your probable divorce. You might as well start working on you. There is a slim possibility that it will help her see you in a better light and if not, at least you'll feel better when it's all done.
> 
> By the way, did you guys ever sort out the issue of not spending enough time together?


As for spending time together. Sort of we did but too late for it to make a difference. Ironically we have spent more time together since October, when she came to the conclusion she was finished, than we have in a long time. During that time up until now we spent time together but that has not changed things.

At this point I am not making any effort to be seen in a better light in her eyes. My intention is to take my "lumps" as I have realized over time there's nothing I can do to change her mind. It is what it is. My intention is to allow this process to take its course as expeditiously as possible so that I can carry on with my life. 

If she believes there's some happiness out there or something waiting on the "other side" that's she's been waiting for, I wish her the best of luck in her pursuit of happiness. 

As for me I am not unhappy. I believe you wake up each day and decide to be happy, to love and to live. I will continue that model but now she will no longer be part of my life other than the communication we have about our kids.

When she moves out my contact will be limited to an absolute minimum.

I'd by lying if I said I didn't care or I didn't love her, I do, but I realize when it's time to let go you just have to.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

I am so sorry you're going through this situation and my heart goes out to you. In the coming months, I will be spending less time with my child as well. It's something I think about every day. Take one day at a time and keep your head up. Sometimes things just don't work out. Try not to blame yourself. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that's why it’s called the present" – Master Oogway


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I can't see why she doesn't move out, give it 6 months and then assess her feelings. Why rust to divorce?? Can you propose a trial separation? How does she know she will be happy being a part time mom? How can she know she won't miss an intact family? If I were you I'd ask her not to rush to divorce but to give it 6 months apart and see how her feelings are. Worth a try.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The thing is this isn't a rush divorce. We first attended MC almost 8 years ago then again around 7 years ago. Nothing about this has been a rush. We talked about a separation but the idea of that is you work on things, get help, with the idea that there is a chance.

She does not see a chance. Her mind is made up and there's not a [email protected] thing I can say or do. Believe me if there was anything at all I could do to change this I would. 

Aside from losing the person I have spent 20 years with and love I am going to miss the hell out of my kids. I will be a dad who spend half the time with them. I love waking up, seeing them off to school and spending time with them. I'm not going to have that as often.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

oviid said:


> The thing is this isn't a rush divorce. We first attended MC almost 8 years ago then again around 7 years ago. Nothing about this has been a rush. We talked about a separation but the idea of that is you work on things, get help, with the idea that there is a chance.
> 
> She does not see a chance. Her mind is made up and there's not a [email protected] thing I can say or do. Believe me if there was anything at all I could do to change this I would.
> 
> Aside from losing the person I have spent 20 years with and love I am going to miss the hell out of my kids. I will be a dad who spend half the time with them. I love waking up, seeing them off to school and spending time with them. I'm not going to have that as often.


Good luck to you oviid. Going from seeing the kids full time to part time is definitely a difficult transition. It's not all bad though. You'll have much more free time to do what you want to do. It is nice to be able to do things without coordinating kids and wife to be on the same page. Use that time to your advantage. I'm still working on it myself (2 kids). Like any new routine it takes time to adjust but you will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> Good luck to you oviid. Going from seeing the kids full time to part time is definitely a difficult transition. It's not all bad though. You'll have much more free time to do what you want to do. It is nice to be able to do things without coordinating kids and wife to be on the same page. Use that time to your advantage. I'm still working on it myself (2 kids). Like any new routine it takes time to adjust but you will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I keep telling myself I can do this. In fact I have no choice. Then I think about the countless other people in my same situation. There's a way to be happy after all this I know that. You just have to go through it to get to it. 

I think I will enjoy the me time but I don't now, it's been a really long time since I've had me time for more than a couple days at a time. So much of my life revolves around doing for my kids it's hard to imagine having a week without them.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

OV,

I too take solace in knowing i'm not the only one. A silver lining for me is our 16 year old daughter has chosen to live with me and refuses to see or stay at POSOM's house. Oh what I wouldn't give to pound his face in...but this is better revenge. Knowing that i'm beginning to move on and my STBXW is starting to become miserable. KARMA.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I think of all the years of hope. I always thought things could change and our marriage would be strong. The thing is she put up a wall so many years ago I was never able to reach her. Despite all my efforts, IC, MC and always working on myself to be a better husband never made our marriage better because there was no reaching her.

The efforts I made did improve me as a person but I now realize it wasn't me it was her. Her inability to reciprocate any measure of love. The coldness and distance I've felt for so long I realize wasn't because of what I was always doing it's because of who she became.

Our problems started off early with anger, resentment and the worse thing lack of communication. It's that lack of communication and refusal to deal with early issues that were the death of this marriage.

They say don't go to bed mad. I always knew that but I never realized that does not just mean literally don't go to be mad. It means don't let any problems you have get away from you for longer than they should. Deal with the issues, talk about it and work together to change it for the good of your marriage. I wish we had done that early on.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Today was a milestone of sorts.

She has talked to her attorney once already and will again today. The finances and legal maters are coming together quickly. She plans to move out the end of March or at least that's the idea. There are some things to work out like making sure we have custody rights etc. in order first.

As far as a divorce goes I guess I should be grateful for some things. I will have 50/50 custody of the kids (that's not unreasonable) I will keep the house. My financial obligation to her will be almost non existent, nothing I will miss at all. I get to keep the dogs too.

Having said that I get to lose the love of my life and I get to become a PT father.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

oviid said:


> Having said that I get to lose the love of my life and I get to become a PT father.


Your life is not over. The kids are the love of your life. Love them righteously. Kids aren't dumb. They naturally gravitate to the more loving, caring parent. Love is never part time, it's forever.

Be true to yourself and the one who will love you for the rest of your life will find you.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I know that to be true. I still have much living to do and things will get better. I know I will be fine too.

But I've been with her since I was 22, just turned 43. I've spent so many years with her it's hard to even think of anyone else or how I would be able to look at anyone else romantically. 

Still I know there are other people who have been exactly where I am right now and they are doing fine. I take solace in that.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Same boat here, hopefully you can get along and do a peaceful divorce and parenting plan.

Wishing you the best.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> Same boat here, hopefully you can get along and do a peaceful divorce and parenting plan.
> 
> Wishing you the best.


I am fortunate in that too. There is no fighting, saying mean things or any of that. It's quite peaceful and the parenting plan will be something that we both agree on. I am lucky I guess that my stbx didn't run off with someone else or just come to me out of the blue and ask for a divorce. This process has been a long time in coming.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

This has been a rough week. I keep telling myself it's going to get better because I know it will but seeing her each day, thinking about my kids and how I won't see them as much. All the years I've been married and like a dumb a#$ I dug up an old hard drive and looked at vacation photos from years past, it really brought back memories.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I can relate OV. I had my implosion day last weekend. Try 
Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart. It's helping me as well as IC, this blog, and church. Hang in there brother.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I know it sounds cliche, but there is a lot of truth in the quality time being more important than the quantity of time.

One of our neighbors is a single dad of 2 daughters, now in college. When they were younger and living at home with him 50% of the time, he was always doing things with them. He was a coach of a sports team they were on. They were always out in the cul-de-sac practicing the sport, or riding bikes, etc.

Compare that to parents who sit and watch tv while the kids are upstairs on their laptops.

Make an effort to turn off the tv and internet when your kids are with you. Go and do stuff outside, go to museums or open mics at the local coffee shop with them. There is a ton of free stuff or nearly free stuff to do.

You may find your relationship with your kids is better after the divorce because the marital tensions are not present in the house.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Interesting observation, Thor. When I think about it you are right. There will no longer be the stress of trying to make my broken marriage work, things will change. I will be able to move forward without the sadness and disappointment that comes with being in a broken marriage. My energy can be focused on my kids and being happy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> I have not posted here in a while. I think my last post was around October..
> 
> I've been married for 18 years together for 20. Our problems started as the usual loss of communication, busy with work, kids and just life. We started to drift apart but we didn't do the things necessary to re-connect. We just kept drifting and drifting. Finally after just over 10 years of marriage I thought it would end. We went to MC, things got a little better, then another round of MC a year later.
> 
> ...


She's lost her attraction for you.

Have you been engaging in guy stuff? Hobbies, interests, sports, politics, etc.?

Or, has your relationship just been more like best girlfriends where you try to keep her happy?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Conrad said:


> She's lost her attraction for you.
> 
> Have you been engaging in guy stuff? Hobbies, interests, sports, politics, etc.?
> 
> Or, has your relationship just been more like best girlfriends where you try to keep her happy?


Hmmm..not sure if I've been engaging in guy stuff but I do what like to do. Going to the park with the kids, photography, going out for beers with my friends..stuff like that. I've never, in my adult life, been into playing sports really. I do like going out and watching UFC with friends. 

The relationship has pretty much been like roommates for along time. No fighting, being mean or anything just indifferent.

I know this is a long process and I feel different throughout each day. A part of me feels like it's long overdue and I can finally move on and perhaps one day find someone who will appreciate me and love me but in the end I feel good about who I am, I don't really feel like I need anyone to complete me or to make me happy. I'm confident and know I am a good person with plenty to offer. 

I wonder if it's the idea of her that I am having a hard time letting go or if it's really that I love her. I can't honestly answer that question because I don't know right now. She will move out at the end of next month. I think when that happens I will be able to face things with a clear mind. 

I do know that I feel anxious when I am around her and don't look forward to her coming home from work. When she's not here I am fine but when she's here I feel on edge.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> Hmmm..not sure if I've been engaging in guy stuff but I do what like to do. Going to the park with the kids, photography, going out for beers with my friends..stuff like that. I've never, in my adult life, been into playing sports really. I do like going out and watching UFC with friends.
> 
> The relationship has pretty much been like roommates for along time. No fighting, being mean or anything just indifferent.
> 
> ...


What are three differences between the man she fell in love with and the man that you are now?


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

What are three differences between your idealized vision of your wife and the woman she is now?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Conrad said:


> What are three differences between the man she fell in love with and the man that you are now?


Hmm I really need to think about that. That was a long time ago. When we met I was only 22, so much has changed. I mean I have grown up. When we met I wasn't controlling, that changed, but that's not been the case for years. I respected her and adored her, that didn't change but my actions didn't reflect that. Early on I wasn't good at expressing my emotions or showing outward affection. I worked on that but by the time I tried to make a real effort there was damage to our marriage from years of distance. 

The problem is the damage done during the years when I was controlling never healed. She was never able to get past those years and honestly the distance that caused, unable to reach her, only created more anger and resentment. I guess the sadness I felt manifested itself into anger and resentment. Those emotions were visible to her for so long. 

That's why we are here now. Too many years of distance, sadness, anger and resentment. There are more years like that than good years. That's why it's so hard for me to think about what I was when she fell in love with me compared to now. 



IronWine29 said:


> What are three differences between your idealized vision of your wife and the woman she is now?


In truth I think our relationship has always been a little different. I mean early on, even when we were dating, she seemed a little distant. What appealed to me was she was quirky, pretty, and even if a little distant acting I could tell she loved me. Also she grew up in a religious family, I did not. There were certain standards and morals that appealed to me. I felt those things would make her a good wife and mother. Still even early on I felt like there was some missing element. This might seem corny but something I always remembered back then is she never laughed at my jokes, there was a difference in intellect I suppose but I remember it always bothered me. 

It's strange to me now to think about it but I guess we were both always a little distant with each other and not good at expressing love. Because we were both that way I think it just worked for us. I mean I always wanted to be the kind of husband who would come home, give her a big kiss and say "I love you" but it never would happen because she never did those things either.

It's amazing to me to think that we have been married for 18 years, have four kids, but some of those basic elements have always been missing.


During our first round of MC we talked about that distance that's always been there. I told her she was the same way, we have both always been that way. She mentioned how she wanted more out of marriage and that she wanted to feel adored. I did adore her and tried to express it but then once again I was met with that wall, that feeling of distance that was always there. She was always unable to accept my efforts. I have long running journal, over eight years, with many entries that say, *"how much longer can I keep this up? I try to hug her, to show outward love and to show her I adore her but it's always met with coolness and some kind of strange resistance." *

She attended IC after our second round of MC but not for long. There are things I think she needs to deal with, get help with, but she won't. The emotional distance I think is something she can't control. When she was in IC she was emotional and I think it was painful. It was short lived and she never went back. 

I went to IC too but I stuck with it. I got help with anger, anxiety and other things. Honestly for me it was an amazing transformation. I am so glad I took the time to work on those things and without outside help I am certain I would still be dealing with those things. 

I guess you could say this is a 20 years relationship that probably never should have happened.

Sorry for the long answer. I don't know if I even answered your questions.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Oviid,

My story is very similar but unlike you, I always wore my heart on my sleeve. But she also held onto resentment and built her coldness around that.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Such a similar story to mine. We are just starting this, too, so I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer. But I do you know that you will be better in the end, and you will find someone you will make you as happy as you deserve to be (as will I). 

In the meantime, we are fortunate to be in situations where we don't have to face anger, resentment and malice during the process. My husband and I have agreed-this whole situation is hard enough as it is. We have no interest in making it worse. 

Hang in there.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I attended IC yesterday. It was good to get things off my chest, talk about what's going on and even receive advice on certain things. My stbx was out of town this weekend and I felt relaxed. There was very little anxiety like I feel when she's here. 

I know I will experience more highs and lows as this progresses, when she moves out, but I can see how I might also feel relieved at knowing I don't have to keep trying to reach her on some emotional level anymore. 

This Thursday I meet with my attorney to begin the legal process on my end.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Anger.

It's a natural emotion and one I've felt during this process more than once. Anger that she can break up our family, make such a huge change in the lives of our kids all because she can't work on herself.

Anyway the other day someone said, "I hope you two can still be friends." But I don't see her as a friend. I will be polite but our only connection will be the kids. I don't want to be her friend. I don't want her to call me ever unless it's a legal matter or has to do with the kids.

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I think of her as a friend.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

oviid said:


> I wonder if there will ever be a time when I think of her as a friend.


I need to be able to trust my friends. My ex is just someone I used to know.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Yesterday I got a call from my attorney telling me she filed for D. I knew she was going to so it was not a surprise but still gave me an odd feeling. 

This morning I am going to do the same and present documents needed. So far what we have agreed to is fair, more than fair honestly. She's not taking me to the cleaners at all and is in fact downsizing her lifestyle. I'm happy about that. :smthumbup:

Still my monthly bills will be over 7k. There are things I will do to make that less and I will. I'm not that concerned about making the bills but I guess when I see it on paper I realize I really need to make changes, save more and tighten up the belt some.

There's a feeling of sadness I can't shake these days. She moves out at the end of next month and I will miss her. I won't miss her because she was so sweet to me, always told me she cared and showed anything other than indifference..I will just miss her because I love her. But why I love her I don't know. :scratchhead:


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

How do I act?

There's about a month left in this living arrangement. She's moving out at the end of March.

Each day I don't say much. The conversation is very limited and when we do talk it's about the kids briefly. 

This lack of communication is something I initiated. When she filed on the 12th and I filed a few days later I basically stopped talking to her or being around her. When we are home I go in one room, any room that she's not in.

I'm not angry at her and the divorce terms are very fair. She's agreed to everything I wanted basically, it's working out great that way. 

My "problem" is, while I don't agree with her choice to end the marriage I can see why it's ending. Am I being childish for not talking to her and avoiding her? There's no chance in us working things out past our partnership in parenting. We will do what's best for the kids moving forward other than getting this divorce.

Should I just extend some type of olive leaf or what? I'm hurt by all that is happening and I just don't know how to act. Being distant is something I am doing to protect my feelings.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> How do I act?
> 
> There's about a month left in this living arrangement. She's moving out at the end of March.
> 
> ...


It's clear it would hurt you to move closer.

So, don't do it.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Less than two weeks until she moves out. The legal documents are complete and submitted. Everything is fair and I can't complain about that at least. Michigan has a six month waiting period but I think we might be able to get past that requirement and if so I will be divorced in April. 

Lately I've been keeping my distance, conversation to a minimum and focusing on myself and kids. It's been hard to be in the same house with her so stay away, upstairs or in a different room where she is not. I try not to look at her or let her see if I am upset. 

As the time gets nearer for her to leave my anxiety increases mixed with sadness and anger. The anger is from not understanding how a person can break up a family for no good reason. If I am honest with myself I can see why it's ending, there's no love. It's the fact that she shut down and has been unable or unwilling to work on things that I can't understand. I want to yell at her and call her a bi%*# but there's no good to come of that. I wonder how she wakes up each day and tells herself she's doing the right thing.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

oviid said:


> Less than two weeks until she moves out. The legal documents are complete and submitted. Everything is fair and I can't complain about that at least. Michigan has a six month waiting period but I think we might be able to get past that requirement and if so I will be divorced in April.
> 
> Lately I've been keeping my distance, conversation to a minimum and focusing on myself and kids. It's been hard to be in the same house with her so stay away, upstairs or in a different room where she is not. I try not to look at her or let her see if I am upset.
> 
> As the time gets nearer for her to leave my anxiety increases mixed with sadness and anger. The anger is from not understanding how a person can break up a family for no good reason. If I am honest with myself I can see why it's ending, there's no love. It's the fact that she shut down and has been unable or unwilling to work on things that I can't understand. I want to yell at her and call her a bi%*# but there's no good to come of that. I wonder how she wakes up each day and tells herself she's doing the right thing.


Do you plan on spending the rest of your life wondering why? You should try to make friends with the unknown and your pain because you can't be in a relationship with someone who wants out.

Accept your reality. Prepare yourself physically, emotionally and financially for life without her. Stop asking why. Start asking what do you want now.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Pictureless said:


> ....Stop asking why. Start asking what do you want now.


Best advice of the day. Accept you will never know why. This has been about her - not you. Don't let her actions define you.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> Do you plan on spending the rest of your life wondering why? You should try to make friends with the unknown and your pain because you can't be in a relationship with someone who wants out.
> 
> Accept your reality. Prepare yourself physically, emotionally and financially for life without her. Stop asking why. Start asking what do you want now.



I guess I've never considered not wondering why but come to think of it you're right. The answer is moot, it's done. I'm going to focus my attention on what's important. 

Thank you.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

I am not as far along as you, oviid. But I am 43 as well and have loved her for just over 20 years. The "still living together" is one of the hardest parts. Isn't it? I am going to have to make it clear when she gets home tonight that she needs to find an apartment or some other accommodations SOON. It is just way to hard to take.

Best of luck to you.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

blackdog said:


> I am not as far along as you, oviid. But I am 43 as well and have loved her for just over 20 years. The "still living together" is one of the hardest parts. Isn't it? I am going to have to make it clear when she gets home tonight that she needs to find an apartment or some other accommodations SOON. It is just way to hard to take.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


Yes the living together part is really hard. Are you sure she is willing to leave or will she ask you to leave?


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

We are a foster family and she is our breadwinner. There really is not a choice. She has to leave so that I can continue to raise the children and keep up the house. Plus we are both doing this as civil as at all possible.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Am I being a jerk or immature here?

She's done packing and the garage is pretty full with boxes. She's moving out this weekend but I don't know how she's getting the boxes to her new apartment and she has not asked me. 

I have a truck and she drives a car so I am thinking she will ask me for help but she has not yet.

The thing is I don't want to go to her apartment and I don't agree with the divorce so in a way I don't want to help her move in to her new place. To me it almost seems like I am agreeing with her choice to divorce if I help her.

A part of me wants to say, "hell no, rent a truck and get someone else to help you." The divorce is not bitter and I'm not being taken to the cleaners so I don't know, I feel like I might be just overreacting.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Oviid
Its a tough one. But if she has been fair with divorce etc, i would be fair and offer to take her stuff. Why? because she is the mum of your kids as well.The problem is that if you STBXW no longer wants the family together you just have to accept it.I am in a similar situation as i know.Very similar to you but i just have to accept it.Why mine wants to split the family up i do not know but she does , so thats it BANG,we are out. I really want to shout at her and say what the Fux are you doing to us, but it will not mean a thing to her.
Good luck and keep your chin up, regards,Paul.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> Am I being a jerk or immature here?
> 
> She's done packing and the garage is pretty full with boxes. She's moving out this weekend but I don't know how she's getting the boxes to her new apartment and she has not asked me.
> 
> ...


If you are not ok with it, do not offer.

If she asks, say no.

Respect yourself.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Wish I was handling my situation as well as you're handling yours


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

She moved out yesterday. Early in the morning she took a couple of the kids to pick up the moving truck, it was a small one because there were only around 30-40 boxes. She didn't ask for help and it was done in less than an hour, real quick.

For the remainder of the day I hung out with our other two kids but felt a combination of relief and anxiety. I knew she would come back to get the kids for the rest of the weekend so every time a car drove past I felt anxious. 

Finally she did come by and came upstairs to the bedroom to square up on some cash. I felt really sad and had a hard time keeping my composure. She cried for a minute but I believe it was because she will miss the dog. She said bye but I didn't say anything because I couldn't. 

It was strange sleeping in an empty house last night.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

It sounds like you are being quite strong about things, oviid. Good for you. The combination of emotions is a hard thing to take, I am sure. I just wanted to post this to let you know that you are not here alone. Many of us are going through the same thing. A roller coaster of feelings. Like you say, relief and anxiety. Best of luck to you.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Have not updated in a couple weeks.

Things have been going well. I'm adjusting to the changes though I do miss the kids when I don't have them here. I can't say I spend my days missing her or really even allowing myself to sit here and mope around over it. To me life is about moving forward, being confident and making happiness happen.

I'd by lying if I said I don't ever think about her or miss her but it's not something I dwell on. I've been keeping busy, business is good, and working on being healthy too by eating right and excising. 

I guess in the end I don't have much more to say about my situation or any real reason to update this entry.

Thanks to all of you who have offered words of encouragement. The advice I've read here has helped me so much. Good friends and IC has also been a great help. My journey is far from over but I feel good.


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