# Financial question for husbands



## Redheadwife (Dec 17, 2017)

I am a wife and we have been married 23 years. Over the years we have been through a lot of ups and downs together including many financial troubles. In our early marriage I worked at home as a babysitter and also part time at various places so that I was the primary care giver for our kids meaning no day care. He was the primary breadwinner for many years. In our marriage I have been the handler of the finances for many years. His spending habits get out of hand and cost us to be behind many times. While our kids were you I also was a college student. I started a professional job about 12 years ago and quickly moved up in the company. Three years ago I changed jobs and have moved up quickly at the new position. In the past 3 years I have made more money than my husband. At first he didn't seem to care, but since then it seems to bother him. He in my base salary I make about $15,000 more than him, but now I am receiving bonuses. So here is my question. I found out that I will be receiving a significant bonus of about $7700. I have not told him. I received one in the summer of about $5000 that I never told him about. I didn't spend it except paying off bills. I want to tell him but part of me is holding back. In the past couple of years he seems angry if I tell him how much my check is and I think this is a blow to his ego. I don't tell anyone that I make more than him and keep it to myself. Should I tell him about the bonuses? This is what I am asking the husbands reading this post. I also feel like I have to feel ashamed of my own success when I see his face when he knows my pay amount. I'm tired of feeling like this, and proud of what I have accomplished and instead of being proud and supportive of me I have to worry about bruising his ego. But, I don't want to make him feel like less of a man. I hate lying, but this does effect my marriage. He has ED that he won't get treated. It's hard enough waiting 3 months I don't want to make it worse. Should I just come clean about the bonuses?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Would you rather be happy, or right?

Since he can't handle you making more than him, and pulling in large bonuses as well, it would probably be better to not mention it and just pay bills, or save it if the bills are paid (are you maxing out your 401k, for instance? that should take precedence over routine bills).

It's sad that he can't be happy for your success, or is threatened by it. That does raise the question: Aside from this, is the marriage - and how he treats you - great? If not, why not, and why put up with it. If so, then this is his one sore area, and no need to keep poking it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you need to tell him about the bonuses. He will find out anyway at tax time, and then he will not only be upset about the bonuses but about you withholding the information from him.

But another issue jumps out at me. Why won't he get his ED treated?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Weird.. I am always be supportive of my wife making more money... In fact I try to motivate her all the time because she has huge potential. 

I could image it bothering someone if they weren't motivated to earn more or try harder. The status-quo guy might find it hard to deal with. 

The male ego for bringing home more money is a few generations old


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I'd suggest at least a couple times a year you should review overall family finances with him. Show him how you two are making progress and discuss goals. Could be overall net worth or progress on paying down debt. Then discuss the bonus and what the family should apply that to. 

My view, for a couple married twenty three years in priority:

1. No credit card debt at all.
2. Max out 401K contribution to the extent there is a match for both of you.
3. Contribute to Roth IRA and reg. IRA for both, might involve you putting some of that bonus in his account. 
4. Splurge a little on something you or he wants.


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## Redheadwife (Dec 17, 2017)

To married but happy

I think be happy. He does treat me very well. The one thing that has bothered him over the years is that I am driven. Even back when our kids were young and I was in college he hated it when I was doing homework. He is more a go with the flow type at his job and I'm a bit more ambitious. He is a great man but sometimes is too nice if that makes any sense. If he was up for a raise and didn't get treated fairly he wouldn't push back. As a woman I have kind of learned in business if I don't push a little I will never get anywhere. We are good together just different personalities.


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## Redheadwife (Dec 17, 2017)

To technovelist:

I think he is embarrassed. It's been about 5 years now and getting worse. He turned 50 this year and I'm few years younger.


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## Redheadwife (Dec 17, 2017)

Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate all view points. Thanks for the advice. I did tell him today that I have s bonus coming, but lied and told him I didn't know the amount. He said "good take me to the mountains". I'm taking that as progress.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Personally I think what you are experiencing is the new normal - wives making more than their husbands. Unfortunately neither of the sexes seem to have fully accepted it yet. Many men feel embarrassed and belittled if their wife makes more than they do. Many women feel as though their husband isn't up to snuff because he makes less than they do. In the end it creates tension. I think it really comes down to a question of expectations. Many people of both sexes need to look at the new reality and stop relying on the stereotypes of the past to form their opinions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Funny thing, when I made all the money it all went into the joint account, free for both to use. When my wife finally got a job, she opened an account and hers is hers alone. No, I don’t care to hear about her raises or bonuses. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny thing, when I made all the money it all went into the joint account, free for both to use. When my wife finally got a job, she opened an account and hers is hers alone. No, I don’t care to hear about her raises or bonuses.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds exactly like my MiL. Does your wife have little respect for you, think she is the boss of all, and treat you like a child too WoMe? :wink2::crying:

P.s. Not to thread jack but how did the Anniversary go WoMe? I must have missed any update.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I am in the reverse situation in that I make more than my wife. Bonuses create odd conversations in my relationship too. And if she thinks much about them, it increases spending. Since you are handling the finances, I would not mention them. It doesn't sound like your husband is good with money and it might increase his spending. It may be that he is jealous of how much you make, or it could also be that he feels as if he should be able to treat himself and have more money to play with because you have more. I just wouldn't mention it.


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## Redheadwife (Dec 17, 2017)

To Dallascowboyfan

He isn't the best with money. I did end up telling him about the bonus coming, but didn't say the amount and he didn't ask. Thank you for your input. I appreciate all the different view points.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Redheadwife said:


> I am a wife and we have been married 23 years. Over the years we have been through a lot of ups and downs together including many financial troubles. In our early marriage I worked at home as a babysitter and also part time at various places so that I was the primary care giver for our kids meaning no day care. He was the primary breadwinner for many years. In our marriage I have been the handler of the finances for many years. His spending habits get out of hand and cost us to be behind many times. While our kids were you I also was a college student. I started a professional job about 12 years ago and quickly moved up in the company. Three years ago I changed jobs and have moved up quickly at the new position. In the past 3 years I have made more money than my husband. At first he didn't seem to care, but since then it seems to bother him. He in my base salary I make about $15,000 more than him, but now I am receiving bonuses. So here is my question. I found out that I will be receiving a significant bonus of about $7700. I have not told him. I received one in the summer of about $5000 that I never told him about. I didn't spend it except paying off bills. I want to tell him but part of me is holding back. In the past couple of years he seems angry if I tell him how much my check is and I think this is a blow to his ego. I don't tell anyone that I make more than him and keep it to myself. Should I tell him about the bonuses? This is what I am asking the husbands reading this post. I also feel like I have to feel ashamed of my own success when I see his face when he knows my pay amount. I'm tired of feeling like this, and proud of what I have accomplished and instead of being proud and supportive of me I have to worry about bruising his ego. But, I don't want to make him feel like less of a man. I hate lying, but this does effect my marriage. He has ED that he won't get treated. It's hard enough waiting 3 months I don't want to make it worse. Should I just come clean about the bonuses?


Yes you should come clean, otherwise that's financial infidelity, regardless of your intentions.

He's insecure, perhaps feels like you do not respect him because he earns less. It's an old mindset, based on ego. You need to stroke his ego in other areas.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Take that bonus money and pay for a trip to the urologist. Also depending on your medical plan, the medications can be expensive so you could use the bonus money to cover that cost as well :smthumbup:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Redheadwife said:


> I am a wife and we have been married 23 years. Over the years we have been through a lot of ups and downs together including many financial troubles.
> 
> .... In our marriage I have been the handler of the finances for many years. His spending habits get out of hand and cost us to be behind many times.
> 
> ...


Two points. First, don't you file a joint income tax filing? If so, does he just sign and not read it? I can't imagine that and so not telling him will become obvious when he signs.

Second, You and your H should get on the same financial page. Financial problems are a major factor in divorce. If you want your marriage to last you need to address his fears.

Good Luck


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Redheadwife said:


> To married but happy
> 
> I think be happy. He does treat me very well. The one thing that has bothered him over the years is that I am driven. Even back when our kids were young and I was in college he hated it when I was doing homework. He is more a go with the flow type at his job and I'm a bit more ambitious. He is a great man but sometimes is too nice if that makes any sense. If he was up for a raise and didn't get treated fairly he wouldn't push back. As a woman I have kind of learned in business if I don't push a little I will never get anywhere. We are good together just different personalities.


Well, the way he is, is the way he is.

He can either work through his jealousy or he can look at improving his own life by be aiming to be more ambitious.

I once dated a man who was like your husband. I am more like you. I also earned more, paid for more (happily) and he was terrible with money (if/when he had any). Yet, he was so unhappy every time I had something positive happen that I worked my ARSE off for, and the extra money would go toward ourselves, not just me, so I really couldn't figure out where his attitude came from. 

Well, I couldn't take his jealousy after a while. I finally realized that he needed a more needy woman so that he could play the bigger earner. And that's exactly what happened after we broke up.

I'm not saying to divorce, but I'm saying he needs to work out his money and ambition issues. The incompatibility will continue to drive a wedge.


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