# I think my wife is cheating on me...thinking about leaving...what should I do..??



## Confused78

Ok..I normally don't ask people for their opinions on relationships etc, but I'm totally lost. My wife and I both have a kid from previous relationships. We have been married for about 6 years and together for about 10. My wife cheated on me with her kids dad after he got out of prison..this was before we got married. I told my wife over and over again..I didn't like him...because I knew what he was up to. My wife just started accusing me of not trusting her etc. But I always told her that I trust her, I just don't trust her kid's dad.

Which brings me to today...her kids dad just got out of prison again..about a month ago. That's right again. Anyways, I was checking the phone bills and noticed that he has been texting and calling her a lot when she's at work. I would say it's been going on for almost every day since he's been out. Sometimes I even noticed that she calls him first.

Now she hasn't been going anywhere different, staying out late at night or hiding her cellphone or nothing like that, which is big signs of cheating. But it's the secrecy that's killing me. Why does this dude ONLY contact her when she's at work. My wife and I are both off on weekends. He has NEVER contacted her when I'm around. If I were to approach her and tell her that I saw all these texts and calls from him on the phone bill, she'd get all pissed off and tell me I'm spying on her. Not only that...but then she'll threaten and tell me she's leaving and all this and that.

To make matters worst, I even tried talking to my wife about this and she just goes off on me..literally. It becomes a big argument. She swears up and down she's not doing anything but if she isn't, why don't her and the kids dad talk to each other in front of me...or why does she get so upset when I try to talk to her about this...I know that these are questions I should be asking my wife...I sometimes think that even though nothing may be going on, my wife just doesn't and/or haven't told this guy to ONLY call her about the kids...nothing else.

Maybe nothing is happening and I'm looking too much into this. But it's a really messed up feeling...especially knowing about all these calls but don't know how to talk to my wife about it. My days is so horrible, it's crazy...i dread it. It's like clock work...I go to work..I end up logging into our phone account..and there I see he sent a text...then as soon as my wife gets off work...I see his number again but this time he's calling her...not even 5 minutes after she gets off. I see the calls last about 2-5 minutes with the longest I've seen thus far being 8 minutes. Like I said, this has been on almost every day since he's been out of prison.

At one point .. I was even thinking about just coming home one day and telling her..I'm leaving. But it's hard...it's really hard. I also don't want to up and leave because of my crazy thoughts, that could be totally wrong. But the only way to get down to the bottom of it is to talk about it and that's what she's neglecting to do.

So if anyone have any pointers on how I could approach my wife about this and start the conversation out smooth or just give me some ideas on what would you do, I'd appreciate it.


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## Hope1964

Why would YOU leave? Kick HER out. She's the one who continues to cheat with her ex. 

Sounds to me like you're totally there just for convenience, when the ex is in jail. Soon as he's out, she runs back to him.

The fact she goes off on you proves she's up to something. There is NO freaking way she should have ANY contact with this ex WHATSOEVER. Period. That should have been a condition of you not divorcing her the first time she did it, and the second she contacted him again you should have slapped D papers right into her face as you kicked her out the door.


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## badcompany

After what I've been thru I agree with Hope, if she doesn't have the respect for you to merely re-assure you things are cool, show her the door. Obviously you're a convenience and Mr. bad boy jailbird is who she really wants. 
Does she spend that much time talking and texting to you? I already know the answer.


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## LivingBreathing

I am sorry you are going through this, and I agree with you that it is hard but disagree when you say your thoughts are crazy. Remember how she accused you of not trusting her while she was committing her first adultery and now she swears to you that she is not doing anything? You would be crazy to believe her.
If she is being secretive, then there must be more to it then she says. I would confront her because just talking to someone she cheated on you with not only makes you have to deal with the hurt all over again but it is VERY disrespectful to you and your marriage. He is her kids dad, but he is also her adultery partner.If she is unwilling to stop being secretive and stop lying as well as stop talking to him then you've got to stop being her husband.
You said you are thinking about leaving if her behavior continues. Don't you think you should already be gone! What else is left? When you try to talk to her about it she gets upset and goes off on you. You said that if she knew you saw her texts, then she would be pissed and threaten to leave you. 
What's that? She's upset, she goes off, she'll be pissed, she'll threaten to leave and she's doing the cheating. 
If you are waiting to see how this thing ends, I don't think it's going to be pretty.


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## Confused78

First off i want to say Thank you everyone for your responses to my situation .

Today I had to call off work because our daughter was sick. So while I was at home, I took it upon myself to check the call / texts again. I saw that he texted moments after I left having lunch at her work. So I called his number and he didn't answer...of course. 

So I had to pick my wife up from work as well. Which is also the time he normally calls. So I was really waiting to see if he calls. Well 10,minutes before I get to her job, she calla and tells me she have to stay after and finish some paperwork and for me to come about 10 minutes later...well I'm sure that 10 mins was so she or he could talk. Because after I called him...I checked the logs again and saw that he texted her. Most likely letting her know I just contacted him.

Well nevertheless, she gets into the car all jittery and happy as if nothing ever happened. Of course if she would have said something about me calling him, she would've been caught up, but she didn't. 

So as the night continued, I awaited to see if this dude was gonna call and guess what...he didn't. The day I stay home, its no calls. I'm calling around finding a divorce lawyer tomorrow and gonna go look at places Tuesday to move. 

Enough is enough....


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## tom67

Confused78 said:


> First off i want to say Thank you everyone for your responses to my situation .
> 
> Today I had to call off work because our daughter was sick. So while I was at home, I took it upon myself to check the call / texts again. I saw that he texted moments after I left having lunch at her work. So I called his number and he didn't answer...of course.
> 
> So I had to pick my wife up from work as well. Which is also the time he normally calls. So I was really waiting to see if he calls. Well 10,minutes before I get to her job, she calla and tells me she have to stay after and finish some paperwork and for me to come about 10 minutes later...well I'm sure that 10 mins was so she or he could talk. Because after I called him...I checked the logs again and saw that he texted her. Most likely letting her know I just contacted him.
> 
> Well nevertheless, she gets into the car all jittery and happy as if nothing ever happened. Of course if she would have said something about me calling him, she would've been caught up, but she didn't.
> 
> So as the night continued, I awaited to see if this dude was gonna call and guess what...he didn't. The day I stay home, its no calls. I'm calling around finding a divorce lawyer tomorrow and gonna go look at places Tuesday to move.
> 
> Enough is enough....


:iagree: You are sick and tired of being played.

Maybe filing you will wake her up.

Make sure you serve her at work just for extra effect.

Don't tell her anything shock her with this.


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## tom67

If you have a joint bank account separate it asap.

She can text her ex for more money!


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## Clay2013

I am not sure I would want to wake her up. Its clear he is right she is hiding her connection with this man to a point to make Confused feel horrible when he brings it up. This is not the first time. She has kids with him. He will never be fully out of the picture and she clearly still have serious feelings for him. 

I would follow your plan. I would just tell her your done playing games and drop the evidence on the table and walk out. Don't give her another second to treat you like a fool. If she loved you she would respect your concerns and care about how she made you feel especially since she cheated on you with him. Her attitude towards you is clear. She wants to play her game until she is ready to be with him. 

My xW played this kind of game with me until she found the guy she wanted. I kicked her out in the end but I can tell you the suffering along the way was never worth it. 

I am sorry you are going through this. 

Clay


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## Confused78

*Re: Re: I think my wife is cheating on me...thinking about leaving...what should I do*



Clay2013 said:


> I am not sure I would want to wake her up. Its clear he is right she is hiding her connection with this man to a point to make Confused feel horrible when he brings it up. This is not the first time. She has kids with him. He will never be fully out of the picture and she clearly still have serious feelings for him.
> 
> I would follow your plan. I would just tell her your done playing games and drop the evidence on the table and walk out. Don't give her another second to treat you like a fool. If she loved you she would respect your concerns and care about how she made you feel especially since she cheated on you with him. Her attitude towards you is clear. She wants to play her game until she is ready to be with him.
> 
> My xW played this kind of game with me until she found the guy she wanted. I kicked her out in the end but I can tell you the suffering along the way was never worth it.
> 
> I am sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Clay


Thanks Clay and everyone else for the responses.

This is really hard for me...I broke down at work today and my friends came to my assistance....two of them is great members of the church..so they prayed for me. 

But this really hurts...it eats the inside of me like poison. Whenever I try and talk about it, I get all shook-up.

Some people say don't do anything drastic because I don't have any factual evidence than the phone calls. But my thing is, I'm not gonna wait until something worst happens like it did last time. 

I really want to try and talk to her about this...but I don't think she wants to talk....

But I will give it my all....my best shot before I make the big move....hopefully we will be able to talk it over this weekend


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## LongWalk

Do not engage in relationship talk. A nice guy begging is sexually not as attractive as a guy who has been in prison. 

You should not leave your home. Stay with your children.

Do a 180 on your wife. Separate finances. File for divorce. You must show your wife that you don't need her to life a happy and fulfilling life.

What did her ex go to jail for?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Clay2013

*Re: I think my wife is cheating on me...thinking about leaving...what should I do*



Confused78 said:


> Thanks Clay and everyone else for the responses.
> 
> This is really hard for me...I broke down at work today and my friends came to my assistance....two of them is great members of the church..so they prayed for me.
> 
> But this really hurts...it eats the inside of me like poison. Whenever I try and talk about it, I get all shook-up.
> 
> Some people say don't do anything drastic because I don't have any factual evidence than the phone calls. But my thing is, I'm not gonna wait until something worst happens like it did last time.
> 
> I really want to try and talk to her about this...but I don't think she wants to talk....
> 
> But I will give it my all....my best shot before I make the big move....hopefully we will be able to talk it over this weekend



I wish you the best of luck my friend. I know it won't be easy but she needs to know how this is making you feel. You do have to stand your ground. I understand wanting it to work but if her behavior towards you does not change I don't see how you will be successful. There are other things you can do. There is a plan called a 180. It basically switches things around and instead of her being on the fence you are nice to her all the time and limit your attention to her. You should look it up. It might help. 


Clay


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## cdbaker

Best of luck!

My guess is that she is not "gone" yet, but was in the "examining her options" stage. Probably still leaning towards you, but unwilling to kick him to the curb unless you force her to, which she might be willing to do but will resent you intensely until eventually she reaches out to him again.

I'm convinced that the only way to force a woman to make a choice and be comfortable with it is to remove yourself as an option.


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## caladan

cdbaker said:


> Best of luck!
> 
> My guess is that she is not "gone" yet, but was in the "examining her options" stage. Probably still leaning towards you, but unwilling to kick him to the curb unless you force her to, which she might be willing to do but will resent you intensely until eventually she reaches out to him again.
> 
> *I'm convinced that the only way to force a woman to make a choice and be comfortable with it is to remove yourself as an option*.


Fantastic!

"You're undecided? That's okay - I'm quite decided. So long...".


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## Confused78

Well....it's been awhile, so I decided to provide an update to my situation. And I can tell u this a lot has happened since then, so sit back and relax ...

Well shortly after I opened this thread about needing advice...etc, I did confront her about all the calls and text. And just like I thought, she turned the tables and said I was spying on her and that she was going to get her own phone account, which she never did. She denied any and everything about the calls being deceitful.

Nonetheless a month after that, our daughter (hers and the Ex) had a school appointment. I told her I was going to go but then I later said I won't be going because I had to work. So I went to work and called her as they were on the way to the school. I got home from work and and thought everything g was great...so I thought. A couple weeks later I was fixing my daughter's cellphone and in doing so, I saw a recently taken pic of my wife and her ex...........at the appointment. Whew I was Pissed! I called her at work and went off. Not knowing I still had my daughter's phone, She then had the nerves to text our daughter's phone and state " THANKS A LOT...I TOLD U TO DELETE THAT PICTURE...NOW ********IS PISSED AT ME!" She had a bad attitude towards our daughter to the point where she wasn't even talking to her. Our daughter was just 14 years old at the time. Our daughter wouldn't eat dinner or anything because she was stressed that my wife was mad at her. After telling my wife that it wasn't our daughter's fault, but hers.....she started to slowly talk to our daughter again.

This past June the Ex went back to jail for False Imprisonment, Domestic Battery, Parole Violation and some more other chargers. Apparently he choked and held his then girlfriend against her will and punched her a couple times as well. He got out this past September. I let her use my car to drop the kids off to school. Once she got back to the house, I drove the car to work. Well as I was driving down the interstate, I noticed that she left her phone in the car. I called and told her this. Once I got to work, I checked her text messages. And sure enough, he was texting her again. She hurried up to my job to come get her phone. But before she did, I called him and told him to step the f***back and stop calling my wife. She came and got her phone and in a hurry too. I work about an Hour and a half away from home and she drove all the way in order to get that phone. Did I mentioned that the texts he was sending her was all sent on her days off...when I'm at work and the kids is at school....smdh. But anyways after she came and got her phone , he apparently called and told her that I called him. And who does she go off on.....ME. She tells me I need counseling ...etc.

That's where I'm at now. I'm becoming more and more distant from her. I hardly talk to her. I don't feel the connection to her at all. I don't feel the spark that we used to have with each other. I feel that the only reason we're still together is the kids. I know I spoke to a very good person I confide in about my situation. And they told me not to listen to anyone telling me to leave or to do this or that. She said that I'll feel it within myself and I'll know it...when I can't take anymore and want out. And I can actually say that I'm starting to feel it. When I first started this thread, I was confused and I'm still am a little but not as much. I see and feel myself preparing myself mentally to leave.


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## ReidWright

that sounds terrible. She thinks of his feelings before yours. Even if they aren't hooking up, she's still revealed she put him above you.

did you go for counseling?


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## Confused78

ReidWright said:


> that sounds terrible. She thinks of his feelings before yours. Even if they aren't hooking up, she's still revealed she put him above you.
> 
> did you go for counseling?


Yeah I did go to counseling. And after spilling my life to the counselor, she was like ..."Wow, we should get your wife in her as well."

I have been telling my wife that just because I'm going to counseling, doesn't mean things will get better and be better. I told her that like me, she should also be getting counseling or attending with me. And she have yet to do it.


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## 6301

Look friend, she cheated on you with this bum before you got married so right then and there it told you her mind set and you still married her. Guess whose fault that was?

Now she's at it again with this guy so why the hell are you putting up with it and if that's not bad enough she takes it out on your 14 year old daughter. All in all the sign of a piss poor excuse of a woman.

My advice? Hire a lawyer and have her served at work while she's having her text meeting with this guy and let her know that she can go be with this guy once his sorry ass is out of jail again......................by herself and let her also know that she should make sure that she has excellent medical benefits and she's covered after this guy beats the hell out of her.


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## the guy

Good to see your old lady being such a great role model for your kid!

What the phuck are you thinking keeping this toxic bull sh!t in your life.....your not doing your kid any favors by being with this women as she continues to disrespect you.


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## Clay2013

You know your never going to change her or get her to see she is hurting you. She is selfish just like she was in the past. When she got caught it wasn't remorse she was feeling it was how dare you get into her business. You need to just walk away. She is using you until he gets back out. The longer you stay with her the more time you will waste. She is clearly not worth a second more of your money or your time.

I am sorry you are going through this but honestly most cheaters will never change. It took me a long time to figure it out too. If I was you I would just get in touch with a attorney and start planning your departure. 

Clay


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## cdbaker

Oh my... She's repeatedly cheating on you with the same man over and over again, knowing precisely what kind of person he is, and has virtually no respect for you.

Honestly the best thing you can do for yourself (and your marriage, if there is even a tiny chance of saving it) is to man up and show her that you won't accept her bs anymore by asking her to leave, expose her to friends and family if necessary, and filing for divorce. The OM excites her, she can't help but respond to him whenever he comes calling. He's the definition of a "bad boy" and she gives in to him because she's confident that she can get away with it, that you won't actually kick her out and you'll forgive her even if she does get caught.

Find a way to get her to leave on her own if possible, as you probably can't legally kick her out without a judge's order. If she refuses to leave, then file for a temporary child protection order on the grounds that you are afraid that she will expose your children to a dangerous, repeat violent criminal (probably a sex offender of some kind too?). It might help if you take your kids to a therapist/counselor around that time and get the therapists opinion on paper that this other man should not be permitted around the children and that doing so would be detrimental to their well being. From there, file for divorce, for your own good and the safety of your children, and her's as well as I'm guessing you probably care greatly for her child too. Just imagine what kind of risk they would be put in when she moves in with this guy and insists on the kids being able to stay with her and him?

Divorce proceedings almost always take a couple of months on the early side, or as long as a year or more in some states. Who knows, maybe she'll have a wake up call and begin a dramatic turnaround during that time. Cling to that hope if you like, but you'll want to employ the 180 either way. Focus on yourself and your kids. Eat better, work out, fix the little things around the house, take care of yourself and your kids, have fun with friends, etc. You'll become more confident, happier, and far more attractive all around. Then you'll be better equipped to make final decisions down the road, whichever direction you choose.


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## ButtPunch

You gave her a second chance and she blew it.

Pull the plug.


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## ConanHub

Why are you spending your precious life with this gutter skank exactly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy

Your update from last week was IDENTICAL to your original post. That tells me you have done noting about it. Since you won't do anything about your wife and her second husband, do something about YOU. Get out of therapy and read up on the 180. Just make sure you ignore the parts about her seeing a better you and crawling back. It doesn't work that way. What they DON'T tell you is that while you are detaching and working on YOU, it gives her more time to work on THEM with you out of the picture.

5 years ago the thought of my wife so much as kissing another man would have put me in a suicidal tailspin. Today, you could show me a video of her giving full service to three guys at once and it wouldn't even phase me. THAT'S what a successful 180 looks like. It took me three years to fully detach, but I'm there now.

She likes bad boys? Let her have him.


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## happy as a clam

MachoMcCoy said:


> Your update from last week was IDENTICAL to your original post. That tells me you have done noting about it.


I was just about to post this exact thought.

OP, when I saw your update I thought to myself, "Oh good, he finally got rid of her!" Instead, it's just a repeat of your first post. She is still communicating with the ex (in between jail stints) and who knows? She probably writes to him when he's in prison too.

I think it's very naive of you to think that there is nothing physical going on between them. Even if it's not full-blown sex, what difference does it make? She's carrying some kind of torch for him while married to you.

I hope the next time you update your thread it will be to tell us you divorced her and have moved on with your life.


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## A_DelVeccio

The mind is so powerful sometimes it sees things that don't exist!

In this situation I don't know what to do. I can only offer a what if scenario for you.

What if she isn't cheating on you but she values her x as a friend? When she is at work its the only time she can have that friendship because you would get upset? They may not be disrespecting you in the sense of cheating... but as a friendship? Being parents together will require some conversations.. Maybe she doesn't tell you because you will make her stop and she doesn't want to? Not that she wants to be with him however.


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