# Husband doesn't say my name- EVER!



## NoraFan

Ok so we have been together roughly 10 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and one on the way. 
Recently, within the last year, I have gotten really upset about the fact that he never uses my name. I don't know if he stopped using it within the last year or if I just got tired of never hearing my name. 
Even when he talks to people he says "my wife" or "my old lady", even to the people we have known forever. I think the only time he uses it is with family... I will have to pay attention to that. I know he says my name with my parents. He may use my name when talking to my girlfriends.
He calls me pet names like "babe" or "honey". I feel like he either can't remember my name or doesn't want to call me a wrong name. That is probably not the case though. 
A lot of posts I have seen about this topic is how someone starts a convo without a title first, but that is not the issue. The issue is I NEVER hear my name in any conversation he ever has with me or about me. It makes me feel like I am "HIS" or not "good" enough for a name or I am not my own seperate person.
I have talked to him about this then he says my name sarcastically for a day maybe. I try to forget about it but then it comes back up eventually. I do use pet names for him but I also use his name. It isn't always when I am mad at him but sometimes it is to get his attention when he isn't paying attention to me. I do not use his name as a "punishment".
So my questions are- 
1) what are some reasons he won't use my name?
2) how can I talk to him about this to get him to understand it really does bother me?
3) Is there something going on with him or the relationship I should be worried about, or is it normal?


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## Jellybeans

1. Ask him
2. Tell him that it bothers you that he won't say your name and how it makes you feel when he doesn't
3. Ask him if there is something going on that you should be concerned about


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## marriageinprogress

My husband and I personally don't use each other's first name unless we are upset with one another. We both use pet names, sweetie, honey, etc... Whenever my husband does use my first name it throws me off for a second and I don't like it..lol 

If you really want him to use your first name then I would talk to him or write him a letter telling him how much it bothers you.


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## Trickster

my wife and I have been together for 20 years and we always used pet names. Sweetie, honey... It sounds weird now to use call her by her name. What I am doing now in call her name and follow it with honey, sweeetie, baby. Eventually, I will get rid of the pet name. However, After all these years, I am glad that I still want to call her honey. Even though she gets me so upset, I want to just walk out the door. I hope that is just a phase I am going through.

Just be glad he wants to call you by a pet name. I think it's cute!


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## ScaredandUnsure

I'd like a pet name. For some reason it's always irritated me to hear my S/O say my given name. But I've never made an issue about it, so it's not ever been known.


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## anotherguy

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I'd like a pet name. For some reason it's always irritated me to hear my S/O say my given name. But I've never made an issue about it, so it's not ever been known.


How about 'stinky', or 'half pint', or 'squeaky'?

be careful what you wish for! 

---

to the OP.. I wouldnt worry too much. Using your given name may just seem odd to him in certain context like "want a cup of ice cream, Babe?" I do the same thing... I generaly call her given name if I am in a different room and dont know where she is. When we are within arms reach, its often hon or honey. If the kids are around now.. sometimes I'll call her mom and she might call me daddy  

From when we were dating - I sort of abbreviated her first name and called her that. I am told by her family members (and by her) that for whatever reason - I am the only person she has EVER allowed to get away with that little bit of extreme heresy.

Again - be careful what you wish for... someday you may miss it. After all, names like 'babe' and 'honey' are ONLY for you. No other woman in his life gets that familial salutation. Having said that - he should probably give it an honest try without the sarcasm if it really bothers you. I think your reaction - though very real obviously - may be misguided.. I doubt it is because he thinks less of you, but more.


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## Mavash.

I had to think about this. I've been married for 20 years and mostly I'm "mom" as in "go get your mother" or "mom took care of it." If he introduces me to someone he will use my name "hi this is my wife....Mavash". 

We use each others given names just not that often and we don't do pet names. It's not an issue unless he's out of sight and I can't find a kid to go get him (rare). LOL


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## Dr. Rockstar

After we got married, my wife and I called each other "Sweetie" almost exclusively. But one day she asked me to start call her by her given name more often. Not all the time, but sometimes. By that time "Sweetie" was so ingrained that it took a lot of practice to get her name back into my vernacular. But it was obviously important to her, so I did it.

The first thing I would recommend is to be patient. If he is trying, it may be more difficult to change his habits than you think. If he needs a little boost, I'd recommend coming up with the most atrocious, sickeningly-sweet pet name as you can imagine and tossing that at him as often as possible. In public, if you can. "Poopie," "Sugarbumps," something like that. Nothing offensive or insulting, just enough to remind him that you'll call him by the name he prefers when he starts calling you by yours.


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## ScaredandUnsure

anotherguy said:


> How about 'stinky', or 'half pint', or 'squeaky'?
> 
> be careful what you wish for!
> 
> ---
> 
> to the OP.. I wouldnt worry too much. Using your given name may just seem odd to him in certain context like "want a cup of ice cream, Babe?" I do the same thing... I generaly call her given name if I am in a different room and dont know where she is. When we are within arms reach, its often hon or honey. If the kids are around now.. sometimes I'll call her mom and she might call me daddy
> 
> From when we were dating - I sort of abbreviated her first name and called her that. I am told by her family members (and by her) that for whatever reason - I am the only person she has EVER allowed to get away with that little bit of extreme heresy.
> 
> Again - be careful what you wish for... someday you may miss it. After all, names like 'babe' and 'honey' are ONLY for you. No other woman in his life gets that familial salutation. Having said that - he should probably give it an honest try without the sarcasm if it really bothers you. I think your reaction - though very real obviously - may be misguided.. I doubt it is because he thinks less of you, but more.


Lol, that's true, I s'pose


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## Threetimesalady

NoraFan said:


> Ok so we have been together roughly 10 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and one on the way.
> Recently, within the last year, I have gotten really upset about the fact that he never uses my name. I don't know if he stopped using it within the last year or if I just got tired of never hearing my name.
> Even when he talks to people he says "my wife" or "my old lady", even to the people we have known forever. I think the only time he uses it is with family... I will have to pay attention to that. I know he says my name with my parents. He may use my name when talking to my girlfriends.
> He calls me pet names like "babe" or "honey". I feel like he either can't remember my name or doesn't want to call me a wrong name. That is probably not the case though.
> A lot of posts I have seen about this topic is how someone starts a convo without a title first, but that is not the issue. The issue is I NEVER hear my name in any conversation he ever has with me or about me. It makes me feel like I am "HIS" or not "good" enough for a name or I am not my own seperate person.
> I have talked to him about this then he says my name sarcastically for a day maybe. I try to forget about it but then it comes back up eventually. I do use pet names for him but I also use his name. It isn't always when I am mad at him but sometimes it is to get his attention when he isn't paying attention to me. I do not use his name as a "punishment".
> So my questions are-
> 1) what are some reasons he won't use my name?
> 2) how can I talk to him about this to get him to understand it really does bother me?
> 3) Is there something going on with him or the relationship I should be worried about, or is it normal?


My husband has not called me by name, but one time since we were married...That was when he was PO....I like his name, but not mine...I like Honey, Sweetie and all the other names he uses......

This has never bothered me in the over 53 years that we have been married....A name is not important....It is the person who wears it that is...Take care...


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## CrazyGuy

I never call my wife by her name. We had an argument and we thought we were going to separate. Then I started to call her by her name, that was when she started crying.

I had a hard time not calling her "Darling" though. It was a habit after so many years. It would slip out from time to time by accident.


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## Nichole

A person's name is, well, more than just a name. It is your identity, your sense of self. When others hear your name, they automatically begin picturing the things that make you who you are in their heard. Calling someone by their name is also a way of saying "having your attention is important to me". 

If your husband isnt using your name, it may be becuase, for whatever reason, he feels inferior to you. If he does not use your name when he is talking to you, he may subconsciously think that he wont get your full attention because maybe he doesnt want it..If he gets your full attention, that leaves him vulnerable to feeling more insecure. 

I can also understand that you may feel hurt and maybe even disrespected that he isnt using your name, but I dont think its about you at all. I think its about him. 

It may be that something has ruptured in your relationship that has caused him to feel distant or less secure or even inferior to you. 

My advice is to find a respectful way to tell him that you need to hear your name. Be careful not to use cricism when you do this. Make it about you and your needs, say something like "____ It is really important to me that you use my name when you talk to me, it makes me feel important and resepcted". 

The key is to use "I" statements and communicate how this is making you feel. 

I hope this is helpful. I'm in my last semester of grad school for marriage and family therapy, so I hope I can help at least a little. However, I still have a lot to learn so I hope I'm not too far off.


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## Runs like Dog

My wife considers it an insult to be called by her first name. Not sure why other than she hates it or pretends to hate it.


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## Pandakiss

my husband and i rarely use our names, only if one is in trouble--or sex.

its either...hey..or hey you, we do snap at one another...but its not rude or disrespectful..its usually out of utter shock that no words can come out.

we are the only adults in the home that matter, so if its not yelling at some kids, then there is only one other person of whom is being spoken to.

we do appear rude to one another, he will turn his bank to me in public when he answers me, or dosent answer me at all.

but i can hear him mumble from across a store, and i pick up on his body language, or just one of his "looks", and i know the answer to my question.

people just getting to know us, are confused by us and want to know how we manage to communicate, and ask a lot of questions.


years ago, my husband and i were at his moms house, she and her husband were basically divorced, they didnt like each other--not even hate-just brutal indifference.

seperate rooms, seperate meal times...

so, he just got home from work;

HIM: excuse me "proper first name", is dinner ready?
HER: why, yes it is. would you like my to get a plate for you?
HIM: yes, thank you very much.
HER: your welcome.

then, he had to squeeze by her and the couch..

HIM: oh, excuse me, you go ahead.
HER: no excuse me, im sorry go ahead.
HIM: thats ok go ahead.
HER: no its fine really. sorry about that.
HIM: no it ok, im sorry excuse me.
HER: ok sorry thank you
HIM: sorry, your welcome.


all with this creepy dead pan tone, of icy indifference, neither on looked at the other, just the floor, they didnt even want to accidently touch.

so, snap at me, yell hey you, come and sit next to me and start talking, come and get in my personal space...when you are in the kitchen getting yourself a sandwich, you know i want one when i see you eating...

my husband will stomp back to me, stand in the doorway...and bark..which meat--turkey or ham--and i answer, and a little while later i will have a huge super stacked sandwich. unless we have london broil, then me response is DUH!!!.

but its all from a place of love. screwed up...?? fundamental fu&ked up..?? cant say..i just didnt like the super niceness i saw, it was cold, hurtful, just plain old, i like too pretend you dont exhist.


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## k-ci

I REALLY wouldnt worry too much about this. I RARELY call my husband by his name, I think its a very naturally thing amongst couples. I think you are worrying WAY too much over this. It isnt a big deal, and you say he only uses it sometimes with your girlfriends or family members well I know that when I talk to family or friends about my husband saying "well my hunnie and I" might sound a little gay... lol and it creates variety. But who cares, just be glad thats your biggest issue


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## bubbly girl

My husband and I never call each other by our first names, only when we're fighting. LOL 

I really think you're making a big deal out of nothing. What's wrong with him calling you "My wife"? You ARE his wife. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he's proud that you're his wife?

I think your husband is the one who has the right to be annoyed. I'd be pretty offended if my husband had a problem with me referring to him as "my husband".


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## Accipiter777

I say, "This is my Wife, Barbara"


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## LyraRae

I have a different take. This happened to me in one relationship. He would say my name in public but not ever in private. The "babe" he used sounded forced. I feel, you should trust your gut feeling. If this is making you feel bad, it may be a sign of disconnection. If his reaction on hearing it is not to empathize, but to be sarcastic, that is troubling to me. 
Good luck to you.


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## Starstarfish

I rarely call my husband by his given name directly, only to get his attention (in a crowd, from another room) or when I'm being serious. Most of the time I call him "Mister" or "babe" - when our three year old is present, I refer to him as "Daddy" but don't call him that directly. In conversations with strangers, I refer to him as "my husband" - in conversations with friends/family I refer to him by his given name. I do know what my husband's name is, no, I'm not afraid of calling by the wrong name. This didn't consciously develop, it wasn't a punishment, it wasn't on purpose, it just developed. I couldn't likely consciously tell you why. 

In return, he usually calls me "Babe" in return, or indeed, my given name. 

So - I don't think its unusual or neccessarily a sign of something else, but it bothers you in a way it doesn't bother some (or most of us) so - you need to explain to him that for you, you want to be referred to by your given name. 

Is this the only issue you have? Or - do you have other problems in your relationship, and this is the issue you are gravitating towards and giving it more emphasis as "the real problem" than perhaps is true?


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## HangingVine

He could have grown up in a family that had pet names for each other.Both my husbands parents call him "Bubs" or "Bubba" when speaking directly to him.They refer to him though when talking to me or others with his first name.I think it represents or sends the message of a closer/more intimate relationship than a more casual one with them.Sort of like some fathers will address their male child as "son" .Or siblings might call each other brother, or sister, or sis.

Needless to say although my husband uses my name to refer to me talking to someone else .Or maybe if he is across the house to get my attention quickly.But probably 90% of the time face to face he calls me some pet name and he has dozens of them.Sometimes he will use several at the same time if you can imagine that.If I call him say his name is Johnathan??...he wills say 'yes my lovely,sugar plum, peach ,love of my life???

I guess I'm saying it could be a learned behavior.Ingrained like second nature.With little thought about it.It might be difficult to break a habit like that.It might even be a strain for him to try and always be aware before he says your name(or pet name/s).I think that's what is happening with my husband anyway.

But I sympathize with you in seeing how you will begin to notice it and it can begin to grind on your nerves.


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## Created2Write

This thread is over a year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish

Ah, pah, got tricked like a lemming into necroposting.


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## samyeagar

I do find that some of the necrothreads are still interesting relative, and informative, and I never would have found them without a necropost.


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## Hortensia

Hey, I wouldn't worry. I rarely use my hubby's name too- and he has a beautiful name, which I love, but everybody else calls him by that name. So I use a diminutive from his name, that only I call him by that, and a pet name that we both call each other. I call him by his first name only when I'm being serious or upset - sign that we leave the playfullness aside. 
If he ceased using my petname and suddenly called me more by my name, I would be worried. Be glad that you are " Darling", and "Honey".


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## mineforever

Martied 31 yrs ... hubby never uses my name. I think he quit using it a year or so after we got married. Started calling me nicknames hun...wife..mommy...love...sweetie..etc... never thought anything about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mindy228

I know a lot of couples that don't call each other by names.


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## samyeagar

My STBW and I rarely use each others names with eachother. When we do, it is in our most intimate moments, and not just sexually intimate. Nothing like cuddling as we are falling asleep after a particularly stressful, or lovey day and hearing her whisper, half asleep, I love you Sam...


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