# Dealing with a brick wall...



## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Lots of things have come up since we started counseling, but the one behavior that hurts me the most and may not be something that can change, is my DF's inability to accept influence from me.

We don't disagree often, but when we do he won't drop it until I say he is right. This includes non-objective subjects, such as differences in opinion. The last two counseling sessions we discussed two incidences one where I thought X was important and he didn't (thus ordered me to 'drop it') and another where I asked him to stop calling me Y and he thought he had a right to. Even with a counselor explaining to him that while he didn't have to agree with me he needed to respect my opinion, he didn't get it. 

He really thinks in only black and white, right and wrong. I'm not even sure where to go with that. I feel very discouraged because every time he belittles my opinion I feel disrespected. I'm not sure if I should just drop it and develop a coping mechanism (such as just not getting into discussions about differences in opinion) or if someone else might have ways/ideas about dealing with such issues.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My ex was like that.

It is a form of emotional abuse because you feel unvalidated and dismissed, as if your feelings/thoughts/opinions don't matter.

If he hasn't seen this as being wrong, I don't know if he can change.


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My ex was like that.
> 
> It is a form of emotional abuse because you feel unvalidated and dismissed, as if your feelings/thoughts/opinions don't matter.
> 
> If he hasn't seen this as being wrong, I don't know if he can change.


Yes he definitely needs to see this as hurtful to you, I agree that if he doesn't, he won't change.

Communication is sometimes hard to teach someone who is so closed. Try to get your husband to tell you WHY is feels so strongly about certain things. You should be able to start to uncover what is going on in his head, what is he suffering from that is making him so "cold" to your feelings. And after he has explained something to you, you then explain your feelings on the situation without being argumentative.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If she wanted my opinion she'd have given it to me already.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

> If she wanted my opinion she'd have given it to me already.


If only every husband understood this, the world would be so much better...:smthumbup:



> I thought X was important and he didn't (thus *ordered me to 'drop it*')


The correct response to this is: No. 

Your feelings/opinions are just as important as his, so I would be just as stubborn as him about the issue. 



> I asked him to stop calling me Y and he thought he had a right to.


I'm sure you can think of a few names you have a right to call him as well. Let's see how fast his opinion changes when the tables are turned. 

I have to be honest here. I am stubborn to a fault, extremely opinionated and willing to defend my opinion to the death. This was definitely a problem for my husband when we first go married, since he wasn't very confrontational. However, as the years have passed, he's made sure to make his opinions known and doesn't back down from me. We don't always agree, but that's okay, because at least both of our opinions are heard and we both know that neither one of us is going to get run over. 

So, I say take a stand and make him listen to what you have to say and how you feel. It's one thing to have differing opinions and points of view. It's quite another to completely disrespect you and your feelings.


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