# Ladies I need your advise, please!



## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

My name is TJ. I'M 53, my wife is 54. We have been married for 28 years. ( After each of us were divorced.)

We have been faithful to each other, & she swears she still loves me.

The issue is our sex life has changed. We used to be spontaneous, e en a little kinky. We explored each other, did everything to pleasure each other. Now, having sex is by appointment only, no spontaneity, & although I still perform oral until she climaxes (I really enjoy doing that for her.) before intercourse, she will not reciprocate. I only climax during intercourse. She thinks my juice is gross.

Although I don't expect her to swallow, it would be nice ( as well as fair?) If she was a little more interested in my pleasure once in awhile. I'm starting to feel like she isn't into me like that anymore. I've tried to get her to talk about our sex life...asked her to tell me about a sex fantasy she might have...so we could act on it, she said she doesn't have any sex fantasies, yet a few months ago I woke up to find her breathing heavy & fingering herself while I slept. When I mentioned this to her she denied it & said that she must have been asleep doing it. I told her that I wished she would have woke me so we could have shared the experience.

I know that she loves me...I'm afraid that she's not "In Love" with me anymore.

Please help me, I love her dearly, I MISS HER & US, and want my lover back.

TJ


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could it be that things have become too predictable? How often do the two of you go out on dates, take trips, etc?


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

With Covid our " Trips" have disappeared. We got vaccinations so we could go to the beach for a weekend. A few days before we had to make reservations she said she didn't want to take a chance being around other people.


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

I have asked her if she was seeing someone & she said no. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but my internal alarm has been going off for 6 months now.


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

After I asked her if she was seeing someone, she found a new job working from home. She said it was so we could be together more. I've always respected her wants in bed, but I'm starting to think that I should've pulled her hair and been more forceful instead. I just feel like she always gets what she wants to get & screw what I want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her saying that she does not want to go to the beach because of possible COVID exposure might be a clue. I wonder if the limitations caused by COVID are just getting her down. Surely there are things that you can do even with COVID.

For example, here where I live hiking in the mountains or walking along the river is a great way to have some non-sexual intimate time together. And since it's outdoors and few people are there it's COVID safe. Bring a basket of food and drinks and it's even more fun. What could you two do where you live that is not around a lot of others?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Her saying that she does not want to go to the beach because of possible COVID exposure might be a clue. I wonder if the limitations caused by COVID are just getting her down. Surely there are things that you can do even with COVID.
> 
> For example, here where I live hiking in the mountains or walking along the river is a great way to have some non-sexual intimate time together. And since it's outdoors and few people are there it's COVID safe. Bring a basket of food and drinks and it's even more fun. What could you two do where you live that is not around a lot of others?


That sounds like a really nice time !!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OMG7669 said:


> After I asked her if she was seeing someone, she found a new job working from home. She said it was so we could be together more. I've always respected her wants in bed, but I'm starting to think that I should've pulled her hair and been more forceful instead. I just feel like she always gets what she wants to get & screw what I want.


Why would you think that pulling her hair would help? 
It sounds as if you are still having regular sex which is good. It's just different from what it was. People are allowed to change and stop/ start things they did/ didn't do before especially after a long marriage.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Have you ever specifically TOLD her what you wrote here? Have you ever asked why she isn't interested or excited about pleasuring you with oral or touching like she used to be?


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why would you think that pulling her hair would help?
> It sounds as if you are still having regular sex which is good. It's just different from what it was. People are allowed to change and stop/ start things they did/ didn't do before especially after a long marriage.


Yes, people are allowed to change. But when they change something that was part of why you loved them so much to start with.....what then.? I feel like my only option is to shut up & live with it...or not.


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you ever specifically TOLD her what you wrote here? Have you ever asked why she isn't interested or excited about pleasuring you with oral or touching like she used to be?


No I have not told her anything. I just found this site last night. She would be mad that I said anything at all about our situation, guaranteed! We did have a conversation about sex a few months ago. I bought her a toy, she used it with me once then put it away. I asked about using it again but she declined. I told her I needed her to pleasure me somehow, so I can relax and enjoy like she does. I told her I wanted to have an affair with her, she just laughed.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OMG7669 said:


> No I have not told her anything. I just found this site last night. She would be mad that I said anything at all about our situation, guaranteed! We did have a conversation about sex a few months ago. I bought her a toy, she used it with me once then put it away. I asked about using it again but she declined. I told her I needed her to pleasure me somehow, so I can relax and enjoy like she does. I told her I wanted to have an affair with her, she just laughed.


So you don’t orgasm when you have sex?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OMG7669 said:


> No I have not told her anything. I just found this site last night. She would be mad that I said anything at all about our situation, guaranteed! We did have a conversation about sex a few months ago. I bought her a toy, she used it with me once then put it away. I asked about using it again but she declined. I told her I needed her to pleasure me somehow, so I can relax and enjoy like she does. I told her I wanted to have an affair with her, she just laughed.


Arent you getting pleasure when you have PIV sex?


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## OMG7669 (Dec 30, 2021)

The only pleasure I get is when I am always on top, & always the one doing the work....ALWAYS.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP, the truth is, for a lot of women who have gone through menopause, their libido basically disappears. There are women who go completely the other way and turn into Nymphos (I don't know any personally but read about them on message boards all the time). Your wife is 54 so I'm assuming she's going through menopause or already has, and as is the case most of the time, her sex drive is gone.

I know you can't help but take it personally, but when your sexual desire is completely shut down, you simply no longer feel any kind of need at all. I often say Menopause is God's cruel joke - he takes away everything that a lot of women really don't want to lose.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OMG7669 said:


> The only pleasure I get is when I am always on top, & always the one doing the work....ALWAYS.


Doing the work? Is that how you see having sex?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OMG7669 said:


> My name is TJ. I'M 53, my wife is 54. We have been married for 28 years. ( After each of us were divorced.)
> 
> We have been faithful to each other, & she swears she still loves me.
> 
> ...


Well she probably is still in love with you right now. 

she also sounds like she maybe going through menopause. Are you using lube? If you’ve been together for 28 years is the no oral new? It sounds like It isn’t. I mean did she used to love your juices and now she doesn’t? Or are you trying to change something during a time in which things are changing.

with time women’s bodies do change. She may or may not have times when oral on her is not pleasant. She may need you to use lube more. Do you two have any vibrators?

id caution you to be carefuland patient. Menopause is tough on women and their hormones, if you just hold resentment because sex isn’t the way you want then you may find less sex. Also how will you want her to handle your inevitable ED with age?

now maybe a good time to explore but don’t count on her to be the driver of change. She may not have fantasies or dwell on something else.

how about just starting with a conversation about something you might like other than oral. Surely there’s something else you two can explore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Doing the work? Is that how you see having sex?


It might be, yes if she's uninvolved and he literally has to do everything with her pretty much non participating.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

OMG7669 said:


> I have asked her if she was seeing someone & she said no. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but my internal alarm has been going off for 6 months now.


The general advice is to trust your gut on this. Maybe the right approach is to be blunt. Simply tell her "I'm not inclined to believe you. There has been a drastic decline in our sex life and that's the only thing that makes sense." Followed by "I can't live this way, so we need to get on the same page as to what the issues are and whether you're willing to work with me on fixing them so I can figure out what I need to do about it".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> People are allowed to change and stop/ start things they did/ didn't do before especially after a long marriage.


Yes they certainly are. But it's very rude and uncaring to just impose changes unilaterally and worry about yourself with zero communication. At a minimum, if she can't bring herself to worry about his needs any longer, she should say so gently but directly so he knows how to proceed.

_"Sorry OMG, I like sex but differently now. What I do now works for me. I don't plan to give like I did before and you'll have to accept that if we are to continue on."
"Sorry OMG, my enjoyment of sex is decreasing as my body changes. I don't want it like I before and when we do have it I just can't get into it. Pushing myself for you isn't going to happen."
"I'm having medical issues but the treatments don't sound appealing to me"_

My strong sense is that she's switched gears without giving him an idea why. Thus, he has no idea how to work on it or whether improvement is even possible. That's the base issue here.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know you can't help but take it personally, but when your sexual desire is completely shut down, you simply no longer feel any kind of need at all. I often say Menopause is God's cruel joke - he takes away everything that a lot of women really don't want to lose.


Fair enough, but that doesn't really explain why she still masturbates, or why she won't help him out when she doesn't feel like it for herself.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> Also how will you want her to handle your inevitable ED with age?


She's gone from being adventurous before to refusing oral now and masturbating when she feels the urge rather than engaging with him. If things don't change, his sex life will die when ED becomes an issue.

OP: this is something you need to consider. What will happen to your sex life as you both continue to age with her attitude being this way? Despite what you might have heard, your wife not giving a crap is not the norm.

I speak from first hand experience. I have the usual age-related challenges, greatly exacerbated by damage from my cancer treatment. Even so, I've learned there are ladies who will work with me and my limitations (which thankfully are improving) to provide as fulfilling an experience as possible. As long as you are a good person and can treat a lady well, don't let yourself believe that your sex life is gone forever or that your goals are unrealistic.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Livvie said:


> It might be, yes if she's uninvolved and he literally has to do everything with her pretty much non participating.


Right, who wants to have sex with a starfish?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OMG7669 said:


> My name is TJ. I'M 53, my wife is 54. We have been married for 28 years. ( After each of us were divorced.)
> 
> We have been faithful to each other, & she swears she still loves me.
> 
> ...


It's nice that you enjoy giving her oral, but most women get tired of doing BJ's. They're not fun. The only fun in them is because your man loves them. Maybe she would do it for a while and then finish you with her hand or something. 

Just because a woman is masturbating doesn't mean she's having fantasies but even if she is fantasies are private for a lot of people. Even if she has them they're probably not anything you could execute without ruining them. They're better left fantasies. 

If I were you I'd be glad she's masturbating because that means you're keeping her stimulated enough at least emotionally and mentally that she is running hot. Sometimes it's just a lot more expeditious to get yourself off in certain circumstances. Sometimes you don't feel like making it a whole big routine. Give her a little space on this stuff. See what she does if you completely stop asking her for oral or hinting that she gives oral. I know there are women who stop having sex as frequently because their husband always wants oral and that's not pleasant to them so they'll just find the easiest thing to do is just not have sex as often so they don't have to confront that issue as often. So lay off of it for a while and see if sex is any more frequent. 

I think you should count your blessings that you're in your fifties and you're still having a healthy fulfilling sex life and try not to ruminate over the particulars.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OMG7669 said:


> I have asked her if she was seeing someone & she said no. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but my internal alarm has been going off for 6 months now.


1. If there was/is someone else, she wouldn’t tell you. Part of cheating is lying, a lot. 
Not suggesting there is someone else, but her telling you there’s not means exactly nothing.

2. Always trust your gut. It’s not always right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OMG7669 said:


> After I asked her if she was seeing someone, she found a new job working from home. She said it was so we could be together more.


That’s kind of suspicious.


OMG7669 said:


> I've always respected her wants in bed, but I'm starting to think that I should've pulled her hair and been more forceful instead. I just feel like she always gets what she wants to get & screw what I want.


There is a fine line, but yes it sounds like you needed to be more dominant in the bedroom.

Most women do not want (and are not turned on by) men who are timid or deferential in bed. Obviously you need to take her wants/likes/desires into account, but most women absolutely want you to lead the experience in a fairly dominant manner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Doing the work? Is that how you see having sex?


You need to understand, many, many women do think it's enough for them to get naked and back up to the guy, and let the guy have access why they lay there. Or same, missionary. 

Starfish.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

If she is masturbating, it sounds like she still has urges. That doesn't necessarily mean that she has or wants to share any fantasies. Maybe your sex life has just become too routine and she's bored? It happens frequently, and men aren't the only ones who get bored with the same old routine. 

If you initiate a certain way and then basically wait for a BJ before anything else happens, she's going to feel pressured (and get bored). Pressure does not equate to pleasure and fun. It makes people resent the thing they are being pressured to do and not want to do it at all. If that's the case, that's why she masturbates next to you instead of reaching for you. 

While there is nothing wrong with going solo, it shouldn't be instead of. This is going to require some discussion. You can't read each other's minds.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Doing the work? Is that how you see having sex?


With all my posts where I've shared yes, great sex, great fun, great frequency, and intimacy tank full is not only possible and as an example I've shared I'm fortunate to have all those things.....do you *really* think I see it that way?


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