# detachment



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

2 years since d day and so far my h is doing every he can to prove himself and his love for me . We spend time together he rings if he s going to be late has put a tracker on his phone and given up all passwords. 
The problem?
I feel myself detaching from him . Feel a wall going up between us and I need advice on how to reconnect with him again ??


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## heart32313 (Nov 5, 2013)

What happen?


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

I have the same problem. You're not alone!

Almost 20 months since I found out of his 4 year supposed EA only via text w a local woman (very likely physical too but no proof) and was completely shocked, as our relationship, I thought was very good and stable...

I guess I lost so much respect, admiration and care for him that it just all drained from my body, and I don't know if it's still the hurt or lack of trust, but I can't seem to have any interest in trying to reconnect. It's like I was in mourning over the death of our relationship as it was. He's been 100% great since I found out, but I just can't seem to accept it, given I was asking for all that and found out he was giving it to someone else. 

Will be interested to hear the advice.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

heart32313 said:


> What happen?


He had a 1 year pa with a co worker . Discovered the truth when I found his secret mobile .


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some folks can't get over a betrayal. Sometimes it is a false R.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Some folks can't get over a betrayal. Sometimes it is a false R.


I agree completely Thorburn.

My personal view is that it is hard to 'reattach' after you find out your WS is someone you would never have attached yourself to in the first place! And I don't think reattaching can be forced. 

Ilovechocolate, it's been 2 years and your WS has been doing all the right things. Have you ever asked yourself whether you stayed for other reasons, children, financial security, fear of starting over? People stay for all sorts of reasons. Maybe you fell out of love after the betrayal and stayed for other reasons. That's what happened to me and it took me a couple of years to see it.

If you stayed because you love him, perhaps you still don't trust him. It's almost impossible to love someone you don't trust. So your gut instinct could be trying to get you to detach for your protection, a very primal response. You even described it as a 'wall' which sounds like self-protection to me

You need to determine the cause to be able to solve this. My advice would be to explore it in IC. 

PS I love chocolate too.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

********** said:


> I agree completely Thorburn.
> 
> My personal view is that it is hard to 'reattach' after you find out your WS is someone you would never have attached yourself to in the first place! And I don't think reattaching can be forced.


I think you just nailed it for me **********, I just can't do it. The only reason we are together is because of the kiddos. I think the only chance we have is MC, and even then, I don't care anymore. I guess I'm just waiting for him to figure it out.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Have you been in IC and MC? Most of the times the full trust and unconditional love don't come back after a betrayal. If you want to stay married to this person, you have to accept it. But it is always going to be at the back of your mind. You are living in a self-imposed jail now where you are the jailor. Is it worth it?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Most of us don't have the "tools" to reconnect deeply on our own. We are in MC and I can't imagine healing our marriage without this kind of help. Not all MC's are created equal; has to be someone with experience in dealing with infidelity, which is a special kind of trauma. Our therapist recognizes that I have been traumatized and that I am grieving - we have to work on my healing, as well as learning to communicate with each other on a deeper level in a way that feels safe for both of us. It's all part of the same package.

I understand that my trust in him will never be 100% again, but I don't think that's so bad either, as long as it eventually moves up into the high 90's: is any marriage affair PROOF? Is anyone perfect, and are there any guarantees in life? I trusted completely that he'd never cheat on me, which was probably stupid, and it made my pain that much worse. I may be sure that _I_ would never cheat, but I still can't be sure about anybody else, ever. And that's just being realistic.

And in the context of being realistic, you may decide you just can't reconnect with him on a deeper level (as Thorburn suggested, maybe your gut tells you he's "faking it" and it's false R, or you're one of the people who simply can't get past the betrayal) - OR maybe you might try to find a really good MC who has a lot of experience with infidelity, and give it a go. I just don't think most of us can reconcile without really good professional help - the trauma and grief are too overwhelming.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

there is no such thing as unconditional love anymore except with your kids and your dogs. WH gave that up.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

I do not know what the dynamic was in your marriage preceding D-Day (whether or not you were in love with him, etc). I know that if my wife were to have a PA, there is no way that I would recover mentally and emotionally from it to a level that I could live under the same roof, let alone any semblance of marriage. Everything that I have defined her personality by, would be destroyed. That being said, MC is really an amazing step, if you have not given up all hope. What characteristics about your H, caused you to fall in love with him in the first place? Is there any way to rekindle those interests?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

When someone puts the greatest gift of love out there to an individual they give as part of that lave every bit of trust they have as a human being. When that trust is broken the impact is huge. You are in a cycle of disbelief, confusion and bereavement. Bereavement because you feel you have lost that one vey special person who you saw your whole life being spent with in a "picture" of contentment.
Now your with a stranger who has hurt you deeply. You are now having to - forgive, try to forget and then learn about this new person who is not and was now not someone you would have taken those vows with. The learnig to trust is badly damaged and for many it does not repair well at all.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

fadedsmile said:


> I have the same problem. You're not alone!
> 
> Almost 20 months since I found out of his 4 year supposed EA only via text w a local woman (very likely physical too but no proof) and was completely shocked, as our relationship, I thought was very good and stable...
> 
> ...


The problem with your R, is that you're still sure that you're being deceived and that the supposed "EA" was actually a "PA", and you know it. You're not going to be able to reconnect until you feel you're no longer being lied to. If he's still letting you think it was an EA (four years?) and you know it wasn't, then you're carrying that around with you. The only way he can be 100% is if he's 100% honest, and no longer protecting his affair and pretending it's to protect you from further hurt. It's to protect him, another selfish move. If he really wants your heart back, he'll need to come clean.


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