# just got married and caught my wife...



## Depressedguy

I really really need help, I am clueless and lost and don’t know what to do.
I got married 5 month ago to a girl I’ve been with since high school.
I remember her constantly asking me when are we going to get married. Its not that I didn’t want to do it but the concept never made sense to me. I surprised her with a ring and we finally got married after 8 years.
I know she was extremely happy that we got married but then right immediately things started to change….

Our honeymoon was more like an old couple on a boring vacation, no sex unless I begged for it and for the first time after 8 years, she wanted to go out alone and chat with people at the bar and didn’t care if I was drunk and alone in our hotel room.

We got back from our vacation but her behavior continued to get worse. She got a really nice promotion at work and started to make more money than she could ever imagine but as a result she started to come home late and go to bars with “guys from work”. She became rude and aggressive towards me and started to disregard most of my requests. We completely stopped having sex. 
I confronted her once and she said she is going through some rough time at work and she is really tired sometimes. 
So I started to give her more attention and get even more “lovey-dovey” with her. 
I even let her go out and have fun with all these guys she met at work, however, it really bothered me that she was the only girl in the crowed and some of the things they discussed at work was very inappropriate. 
She started to come home late and often half drunk. She put a password on her phone and changed the phone settings so text messages cannot be read. 
She was always texting this one older guy day and night. Some days she would come home eat then sit on a sofa and text for hours then pretend to go to sleep really early. Then 4 hours later when I would go to bed, there she was still texting and not sleep!
I told her that I didn’t like this guy texting her so much and she got really upset. 
She called me controlling and old fashion, she said the guy is old, ugly and socially awkward but since he is a CEO of a big company it’s always good to have a connection. 

I began to get depressed and spend most of my time in my room while she was in her office texting and working on her computer. 
Weeks went by and she didn’t care to notice that we are not even spending an hour together. She would refuse to go shopping with me or watch a movie even at home!
We grew apart and I had to hide my frustration. 
As a desperate attempt to make her come back to me, I started to tell her how much I loved her more than ever and told her how much I missed her when she is out having fun. 

After 4 months of hell, she changed. We relocated somewhere else and she became a new person. Texting and not wanting to go out didn’t change but at least she became a happy person. 
Couple of weeks ago I received a bad news and for the first time in my life I had to check her phone and went through her text messages….
My wife and the “old guy” were having a love affair for the past 4 months. My wife denies any sexual relationship but agrees that it was just a matter of time before they did it. I can’t believe she would do this to me right after we got married.
I feel I don’t even know her, I feel lost and very depressed. 

The old guy is exactly twice my wife’s age. 
I sent him a text two days after the incident and he sent one back being all cold and straightforward with me and never apologized to me.
I can literally ruin his life, I know where he lives, I have his text messages trash talking about the owner of his company and his wife. I found him on facebook and linkedin.
It feels like a nightmare I cant wake up from, please help.


----------



## trey69

I doubt she changed right after you all got married. My guess is, she was always like this even when dating, and perhaps in HER mind the thought a ring on her finger would change it, and it didn't. I think if you truly want to try and save your marriage you are going to have to lay ground rules and set boundaries. Even a ultimatim might be in order. If she isn't willing to try and meet you half way, then go ahead and present her with separation/divorce papers. 

She needs to cut all contact with this other guy. She needs to stop going out to bars and hanging out with guys. You need to make it clear to her if she wants to work on things she can't do those things anymore. Its not acceptable and she is acting like a young school girl who wants to sow her wild oats. If thats the case and shes not willing to help save the marriage, then show her the door.


----------



## MattMatt

I think this needs to be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum.

So sorry you are going through this.


----------



## EleGirl

Is your wife still working at the same company with this man?


----------



## bandit.45

Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork to file for an annulment. It is cheaper and faster than a divorce. Tell her if she doesn't sign it you will expose her and her lover to everyone. Then when you get the annulment tell the other man's wife and family. Nice parting shot. Get this vampire woman out of your life. She is a fake and a user. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moonstone999

It sounds like your wife doesn't really want to be married. What she really wanted was to have "the big day" and wear "the dress" and have "the ring." Now that the wedding hoopla is over, there's not much left .....

I agree with bandit45, see about an annulment.


----------



## EleGirl

I like the annulment idea. Then expose them after you get it.

I sounds like the OM is not married. At some point you should show the texts he sent to his partner. The partner should know the kind of man he's in business with.

Make sure that your wife's family knows what she is doing as well.


----------



## Drover

Running around ruining the OM's life, texting and stalking him on social media is a passive aggressive thing to do. He doesn't owe you anything. This is between you and her. I'd put her stuff out on the lawn and be done with it. Even if she stops all this now and you can forgive her, she'll never respect you. This is over. Move on.


----------



## wiigirl

EleGirl said:


> Is your wife still working at the same company with this man?


If that's the case, that's never good.... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Drover said:


> Running around ruining the OM's life, texting and stalking him on social media is a passive aggressive thing to do. He doesn't owe you anything. This is between you and her. I'd put her stuff out on the lawn and be done with it. Even if she stops all this now and you can forgive her, she'll never respect you. This is over. Move on.


You must be a past OM to someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Drover

bandit.45 said:


> You must be a past OM to someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Why?


----------



## badbane

If you do want to take her back you need to get the truth. i don't believe for one second that this is the only affair this woman has had. I mean come on sir you just laid down for so long that your wife probably got passed around half of the office. You need to get the truth and you get that by doing a 180 and manning up. GET SOME D PAPERS and have her served. Tell her you will sign unless she fesses up. You are rug sweeping this whole deal and don't be surprised when you find out that she has had multiple affairs.


----------



## Depressedguy

Its very difficult for me to share this part of my life with my friends and family, its way too embarrassing for me, on the other hand, keeping it to myself is eating me inside although my new drinking "habit" seems to help a little.
So thanks everyone for your thoughts and feedbacks, I've been really lonely and lost over the past few weeks and its nice to share and get some feedbacks from others on this forum. 
Thanks


----------



## EleGirl

You really do need to stop your new 'habit'. That will not help at all.

Part of the work you need to do is to get over being embarrassed. You did not do anything wrong, you wife did. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It takes 2-5 years to recover from being betrayed by your spouse. It's is a horrible wound she has inflicted on you. 

One of the things that is often suggested to a person in your situation is to go see a doctor about medical help for depression. What you are going through now is one of the hardest things a person can face in life. You sound very down/depressed. Anti-depressants do not numb a person. They just make it easier to deal with the stresses of the situation. The way you feel right now can last for months. I think was in that state for about 1 year. Then it tapered off slowly over the next few years.

Please do talk to someone near you who can give you support. You really do need someone in your life who can help you.

What are your thoughts about reconciliation or divorce? What do you want to do? 

If you want to reconcile it’s a good idea to expose the affair… tell her family, yours and the OM”s partner everything. This will put pressure on your wife to stop the affair. The OM will be too busy with his life falling apart to continue an affair. He’ll most likely dump your wife in a heartbeat.


----------



## Depressedguy

EleGirl said:


> Is your wife still working at the same company with this man?


no she never was, the guy is a CEO of a competitor company.


----------



## bandit.45

Drover said:


> No. Why?


Why are you so concerned about the OM's well being? Why do the OMs and OWs get a free pass to destroy families and marriages?

Grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Depressedguy

bandit.45 said:


> Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork to file for an annulment. It is cheaper and faster than a divorce. Tell her if she doesn't sign it you will expose her and her lover to everyone. Then when you get the annulment tell the other man's wife and family. Nice parting shot. Get this vampire woman out of your life. She is a fake and a user.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am lying if I tell you that I didn't think of doing all that. but....
I wish it was that easy, my whole life just turned upside down and I am tying to put all the bits and pieces of whats left of it together just to get a clue of what happened before I do something that I could regret forever.


----------



## EleGirl

Depressedguy said:


> no she never was, the guy is a CEO of a competitor company.


Was she giving away trade secrets to a competitor?


----------



## the guy

You need a break brother, go start working out and get your self together. Right now you need to look out for your self and take care of your self for the fight to come.

I can tell you with experience that if you let this go and blow it off she will continue. See my wifes first affair was sweept under the carpet, she continued for 13 years with 20 different men.

So my point is get your head clear and come back fighting, you diserve good things and do not have to tolorate this crap. Sharing your wife is not the way to live your life...trust me! Her behavior will snowball and years from now while you stay home watching your kids she will be doing God knows what, by that time it will come so easy for her and her self esteem will be shot after being used by excutive after excutive. As she gets used time and time again she will be come more bitter and broken.

This is 22 yrs of marriage experience talking. You do not want this women taking care of your in your old age. Even if she did, just imagine the kind of care she would give you when your old and bed ridden.

Its not what knock us down that counts it how we get back up that matters.


----------



## Shaggy

CEO's of big companies DO NOT have time to hang in bars chatting and drinking. they simply don't.

Look expose the affair wide and far - she's played you hard, taken part of your soul out with a knife and still feels no regret. 

Tomorrow - find this guys GF or wife - and send the evidence you have to her. Don't warn him, don't warn your wife. Just do it. Yes she will be pissed, but this is one of the best strongest moves to serious hurt the affair.

Next, get to a lawyer and find out your options. Hopefully you can still get an annulment due to fraud on her part. 

Realize that she's been going out to bars meeting guys since your honeymoon or maybe before. This one guy may not be the first, and he likely won't be the last.

You've tried being lovely dovey, you've tried being a doormat - that doesn't work - it only erodes respect for you and turns you into a very non-attractive wimp in her eyes.

You want the girl - you gotta take down the other men, and you've got to stand up to her hard - enforce proper boundaries and demand full honest and transparency.

If she can't be honest, and won't follow boundaries - then move on because she isn't in the marriage with even one foot.


----------



## Depressedguy

Its been a while now since I found out about the affair but yet nothing has changed in fact things are making a turn for worse now.
Thanks to my IT knowledge I've recovered her old emails and found out she has spent at least two nights in a hotel with this guy.....
she still denies any sexual relationship but who are we kidding !!??
I read how she texted him calling him with my "nick names"
Reading the text messages was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life, how much she expressed her love for this A...hole. 

I feel like ending my life and not dealing with this great emotional pain. maybe I am emotionally weak but I am who I am, in love with the girl whom I never thought would betray me for a one night stand.


----------



## Shaggy

Why haven't you exposed the A????


----------



## Depressedguy

Shaggy said:


> Why haven't you exposed the A????


I cant, you have no idea how much I protected her, how much I made others believe she was an angle. 
She came from a messed up family and I created a perfect image of her for others so she wouldn't feel any less of a person she really was. 
How can I go back on everything I created??
to to tell my friends and family that the goddess I always spoke highly of is in fact nothing but a cheat??
that makes me an idiot that I may very well be !!


----------



## Acoa

You created an image of what you want her to be, not who she is. Can you live your life covering for her while she runs around having sex with other men?

If staying home alone while your wife goes to bars to have sex with other men, then by all means keep the status quo.

If not, then expose. It might lead to a divorce, or it could wake her up to getting help and working on the marriage. But if I were you, I would take that risk. Divorce would be preferable to living with a cheater.

And get checked for STD, and if she gets pregnant, get a paternity test before you put your name on a birth certificate.

Sorry for the harsh, but I think you need the 2x4.


----------



## EleGirl

Has she admitted the affair?

You need to get all of the hard evidence you have and expose the affair. It has to end or she needs to move out.

She's not the person you painted a nice little picture of. But you don't have to address her past or her upbringing. All you do is to tell people that she is in over her head and now in an affair.


People will draw whatever conclusions they want. And they will eventually find out about the affair so you may as well tell them now. You need the support.


----------



## EleGirl

LearningLifeQDay said:


> It's not good to be vindictive, but in your case be vindictive and drop the 'bomb' on this a**h***. It'll make you feel better and that's what you need. No running in marathons, biking up mountains, parachuting every other day...Just drop the 'bomb' on him! He dropped a big load of c**p on you, so you should have no qualms about delivering your load. An eye for an eye! Hey, and don't drink! Take up running in marathons, biking up mountains, parachuting every other day...


Exposing an affair is not about being vindicitive. It's about turning up the visibility on the affair, putting pressure on the affair and thus causing the affair to end quickly.

It's like turning on the light ... the roaches scatter.


----------



## Sadmanch

Hi, I just wanted to say you are not alone and there are others going through what you are. My H and I have been together 8 years and we have been married only 18 months. I found out about 3 months ago he had an affair. Like you I feel lost and incredibly depressed. I may not be able to offer much advice given that we are at a similar stage but just wanted to say I understand how you feel.


----------



## bandit.45

Grow a spine my friend....

Grow a spine.


----------



## Amyd

EleGirl said:


> Exposing an affair is not about being vindicitive. It's about turning up the visibility on the affair, putting pressure on the affair and thus causing the affair to end quickly.
> 
> It's like turning on the light ... the roaches scatter.


I don't agree with this thought process. The affair might end but the problem is still there.


----------



## EleGirl

Amyd said:


> I don't agree with this thought process. The affair might end but the problem is still there.


Nowhere did I say that exposing an affair solves all problems.

Of course there are problems when the affair ends. However, in order to decide what to do about the marriage the affair must end. A surprisingly large number of marriages recover from infidelity. But the recovery process cannot start when one partner is carrying on an affair.


----------



## Amyd

EleGirl said:


> Nowhere did I say that exposing an affair solves all problems.
> 
> Of course there are problems when the affair ends. However, in order to decide what to do about the marriage the affair must end. A surprisingly large number of marriages recover from infidelity. But the recovery process cannot start when one partner is carrying on an affair.


I agree that recovery cannot start if the affair is still in process.I don't agree with telling the world about the affair. You may have your reasons to why this is helpful but I don't think it is.


----------



## bandit.45

Guess he blew his chance at getting a quick annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## izzy123

First gather hard evidence, then do confront the other man (OM). Affairs and fungi thrive in darkness. Tell his wife also.

Transparency is absolutely necessary (not necessarily sufficient) for the cheated party to regain trust from the cheating spouse.


----------



## jfv

Amyd said:


> I agree that recovery cannot start if the affair is still in process.I don't agree with telling the world about the affair. You may have your reasons to why this is helpful but I don't think it is.


Among other things, exposure enacts consequences on both affair partners. Which I'm sure you would agree is a good thing right? 

Also secrecy is what enables the fantasy and success of the affair. If the affair is ongoing, it is the only way you can kill the fantasy world the affair partners have created.


----------



## warlock07

You are creating your own hell. You have a chance at happiness but you are depressed into submission and humiliation. Get some help first and start working out.

Did you confront her with the evidence that she spent the hotel at him ? Don't believe her lies. A woman who would cheat wouldn't find it that hard to lie anyway


----------



## happyman64

You have been given some great advice.

Now act.

Stop believing her lies.

Grow a set and return the favor.

Exposé the affair. Find his wife and let her know.

Let your families know what is going on.

Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

See an attorney and learn your rights.

Keep the evidence secure.

And for gods sake stop worrying about how you look.

Because you will look like a fool and a chump f you do nothing at all.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

bandit.45 said:


> Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork to file for an annulment. It is cheaper and faster than a divorce. Tell her if she doesn't sign it you will expose her and her lover to everyone. Then when you get the annulment tell the other man's wife and family. Nice parting shot. Get this vampire woman out of your life. She is a fake and a user.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best. Advice. Ever.


----------



## Depressedguy

It’s been a while since I posted my story on this site and today I wanted to give those who read my story an update.
After 8 months of struggle and disbelieve I came to accept the facts and face the reality.
I was destroying myself and had a hard time facing the truth. Lost 40 Lbs and became depressed and alcoholic.
One day I woke up with a really bad chest pain, it was my heart!!
I am still way waaay too young to have a heart attach. So I stopped everything. 

Stopped drinking, started working out. Went to court by myself and filed for divorce. 
I told my ex that I am leaving her and everything was over between us. She was very calm about everything and in fact acted as if she didn’t give a damn, not s ingle tear!!! She said ok and walked away.
I went on vacation by myself and met a really really nice girl from Germany. 
After I got back I moved out and my ex went completely crazy!
I told her about my situation and I think she cried for almost 48 hours straight!!
Turns out she actually dated 5 guys for the time I was away (this girl works fast!!) and they were all *******s and now she realized what a nice guy I was and she wants me back!! (Karma, thank you!!)

Story short, I am very happy now!! My new girlfriend is caring and oh god she is gorgeous!! 
We are planning on getting married in a year or so. And my life is good again.

My experience gave me a life lesson and that is: 

If your partner can’t see your true value that’s because you cant see that's not your true partner!
Thanks for reading my story and I appreciate all your sympathy, help and support.


----------



## mablenc

Glad you posted an update. I'm sure others will benefit from reading it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Thanks for the update.

To clean up loose ends why don't you expose the old guy to his wife for his cheating and post him up on cheaterville.com to warn future men who's wives become his friend.


----------



## tom67

Notice how 95% of the time for the bs it gets better.


----------



## Shaggy

tom67 said:


> Notice how 95% of the time for the bs it gets better.


When they choose to act and not just take the abuse. Though I think the real number is 100% of the time.

The 5% discrepancy are the ones who don't actually cut the WS out and move on. They instead continue interacting with the WS and continue the suffering.


----------



## Chelle D

Please, Please ... please... be very careful with the new relationship.

Rebound "dating" if _you realize you are rebounding_ is one thing. 

But a rebound instant intense relationship s.... is another thing. A VERY scary thing.

Please, be careful with your heart. I hope she really is a good one.


----------



## Depressedguy

Chelle D said:


> Please, Please ... please... be very careful with the new relationship.
> 
> Rebound "dating" if _you realize you are rebounding_ is one thing.
> 
> But a rebound instant intense relationship s.... is another thing. A VERY scary thing.
> 
> Please, be careful with your heart. I hope she really is a good one.


I understand your point. I was scared to start a new relationship and that’s why I had a hard time letting things go. 
But to be honest, we all know deep down who we are dealing with, but the worst thing we do is we lie to ourselves.


----------

