# Ceasing communication



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

My stbxh has come around to my apartment twice since I moved in just over a week ago. We have 2 cats and he has every right to see them, so I won't stop him. The first time he came over it was very awkward and uncomfortable, and the next day I was extremely depressed. When he came over the other night he was wearing a new shirt, telling me it wasn't expensive - "it was only $49.99" *shrug* and showing me a photo of his new sneakers and basically flaunting his spending in my face while I'm eating baked beans for dinner and struggling on my own. I don't mind struggling. I've done it before. But to openly flaunt his own fortune at me is in bad taste and with poor judgement. Then last night he came over again and said he was bringing some more of my stuff with him. I had texted him and asked him to bring a few things in particular (ie eggflip, ladel, kitchen scales, a few other bits and pieces). He's shaved his head, which is something he's been wanting to do and I've always pleaded with him not to because it won't suit him. When he turned up last night, the only thing I could say was "o..kay???" I can't help but take that as a message from him. He turned up with a car-load of a whole bunch of my stuff which I was not expecting and had no room for at all. I said I could not fit a 3 bedroom house full of stuff into my little 1 bedroom apartment. I felt completely overwhelmed and started raising my voice saying "what were you thinking? Where's the common sense? Where am I supposed to put all of this? You've emptied out the kitchen of a 3 bedroom house and now you're dumping it all in my little apartment. Do you think I'm having dinner parties or baking cakes here?" He said "I thought you'd be happy." (this from the guy who didn't reply to a text from me asking him a yes or no question, and when I asked him why he didn't respond to my question he said "I was giving you some space". WTF????) Eventually he just left and that was that. I broke down. I texted him after I'd calmed down saying I appreciated that he thought he was doing the right thing, but that I can't handle any more of this and I need to cease communication unless it's about selling the house. Every time I talk to him or get a text it upsets me and I can't go on like this. I'm so sad and in such grief and occasionally I'll start to feel like I'm healing, but when I have any contact with him I fall down again. 

After sending him that text saying I needed to cease communication because I couldn't handle the sadness anymore, I haven't heard anything back, so I'm assuming he got the message. I still can't believe we're in this terrible place now. He was supposed to be it for me. We were supposed to be it for each other. Now it's all in tatters and having any communication with him upsets me so much that I just want to die. 

This is one of those scenarios where love really isn't enough. So much is missing from our relationship, really key stuff, and we can't go on without it. I'm just so sad that it seems so impossible. I keep using my sense of humour to try and bring back some normality in my life, but even that is just a thin veil and I'm struggling to cope under the weight of my emotions. Hearing from him keeps the wound open, and I need to shut it to move on. But even the idea of moving on is sad because it means I have to admit to myself that it truly is over, and it hurts so much. 

Sorry - I've gone off on a tangent. I'm just so sad.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

Really sorry to hear of your situation. I think you're right about ceasing communication, that coupled with a few weeks away from your husband will help you think clearer.

Take care of yourself.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Healingme, I didn’t communicate with my wife for 6 months after we separated. After that time I tried to open up the lines of communication but each time I did I got burned.

I’m just glad that we have at the moment agreed to divorce amicably and that’ll be after two years mutually agreed separation. I wont need to communicate with her again until Sep 2011 and we should be divorced by May 2012.

Doesn’t mean I’m not sad it’s ended. But ceasing communication has greatly helped me in the first place to somehow understand what happened and why and to come to conclusions and judgements and more lately to understand myself better.

Bob


----------



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I think I may have shot myself in the foot with the ceasing communication. I told him I needed to cease communication unless it's about selling the house. In the last few days I've tried contacting him several times in regards to some other matters - my Dad's old car is still at the house and I've advertised it and he said he'd take care of selling it for me because he's still at the house and someone texted me asking about it so I've asked him if he's heard from the other guy who was interested in it and asked if I could give this guy his mobile number but he responded to only half of what I was asking and nothing at all since then. Also, one of the cats had to go to the vet on Saturday unexpectedly and he had said he'd split the vet bills with me. So I've tried texting, calling and emailing at both his home and work addresses to talk to him about these matters and he is not replying to me. 

I even said in an email "I know I said I needed to cease communication other than about selling the house. What I meant was the calls and texts, visits and chats about casual everyday things, as though nothing has happened. It's very awkward and upsetting for me. This situation is difficult enough as it is without these added complications. Please respond to my texts."

I've been a blend of worried and angry over his lack of communication on these matters. I find few things as infuriating as someone ignoring you, especially when he said he'd help out. For a second I was concerned that he might be sick or had an accident, but the next door neighbour said he'd seen his car at the house and it wasn't there now so I figured he's at work. I'm going a bit crazy over this and the nervous angry butterflies in my stomach are taking over. 

Why does this have to be so hard??? Why can't we just deal with these matters as professional adults? Sorry but really need to vent all this.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

healingme said:


> I think I may have shot myself in the foot with the ceasing communication. I told him I needed to cease communication unless it's about selling the house. In the last few days I've tried contacting him several times in regards to some other matters - my Dad's old car is still at the house and I've advertised it and he said he'd take care of selling it for me because he's still at the house and someone texted me asking about it so I've asked him if he's heard from the other guy who was interested in it and asked if I could give this guy his mobile number but he responded to only half of what I was asking and nothing at all since then. Also, one of the cats had to go to the vet on Saturday unexpectedly and he had said he'd split the vet bills with me. So I've tried texting, calling and emailing at both his home and work addresses to talk to him about these matters and he is not replying to me.
> 
> I even said in an email "I know I said I needed to cease communication other than about selling the house. What I meant was the calls and texts, visits and chats about casual everyday things, as though nothing has happened. It's very awkward and upsetting for me. This situation is difficult enough as it is without these added complications. Please respond to my texts."
> 
> ...


It's hard because it's so very emotional. It's hard to deal with as adults .... because it's very emotional.

If we weren’t emotional we’d be like a robot or psychopath.

But it does all pass and our emotions do get back on an even keel. And then the worlds a different place simply because we somehow change and see the world in different ways.

Venting seriously helps the emotions. They do need working through and releasing. That is far better than suppressing.

Bob


----------

