# Mind movies



## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

I feel like I have been in a weird limbo reconcile situation. My D day was the beginning of the year in 2013. I need to know if it is honestly possible to get over the mind movies? I even have problems with my H talking to me using the same flirty phrases he used on the other women. 

I need to mention my H is a habitual liar, serial cheating alcoholic. One of the reasons I did not choose to D him is because I have no funds. I have been saving money and taking classes to improve myself.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Yes it is possible to conquer the mind movies but it takes time and you need counseling specific to this kind of trauma.

I started this thread for BW like yourself titled *For BWs only (sorry guys, ladies only)*, why don't you check it out?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ginger: I'm sorry to say that I truly believe that it is largely the modus operandi of the cheater to use those very same lines that they used to flirt with their spouse, as they use with their illicit partner. That set of flirtaceous lines is all too common to their particular personality, and it hurts so very much when you see evidence of the fact that those very same lines used on their legitimate partner, is being used on the illicit one.

I know that it absolutely tore my soul apart when I read the FB exchange between my own rich, skanky XW and one of her of her OM that I didn't have the first damn clue who ever existed. To hear those exact same lines of hers some 1-1/2 years hence, almost verbatim, simply ripped at my inner being.

I know what you're going through and am so very sorry to see you here at TAM. But you have definitely come to right place for advice and hopefully inner healing! 

I'll be praying for you, and convey my very best wishes to you!*


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Sweet G, I found out about my ex WS's affair roughly the same time as you. It does still sting from time to time as there are many triggers out there. But to think that he is repeating flirty phrases is a low act. Just ask him to stop doing it. Be strong! As for the mind movies - for me it was just a case that time had given me the strength to laugh it off or feel more neutral. It does still cut but I find that is usually dependent on mood etc. and they are less frequent by far. They will always be there and for that alone I find it hard to forgive her.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Through PTSD therapy I was able to overcome the mind movies. It took close to 2 years before their impact became very minimal. Divorce also helped.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Tough one, my sympathies Sweet Ginger. The mind movies can really mess with your ability to connect again, especially sexually. Your H sounds very similar to mine. I couldn't have sex with him at all for a long time after D day, and when we did resume relations I could tell right away that it would never feel the same, not the act itself, but the connection, sense of oneness, that you have with someone you completely trust and love. 

Have you confronted him about his flirty talk? If so and he chooses to continue, then I'd say the chances of getting past the mind movies are non existent. I don't think you will ever get over your mind movies until your husband completely and sincerely takes responsibility for his actions and takes steps to end his addictions.

Good for you for taking your own steps to change your circumstances. Better to concentrate on yourself than expect him to change.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you have kids?

If not, I like how you are saving money, and planning for a better future.

I hope you are using the 180 to help yourself detach from your situation.

Has he ever gone to counseling to find out how to help you with your pain? 

Sounds like you are working on an exit and if that is what you choose, I do hope you find happiness. 

I do hope until you get your chance to escape that he could try to decrease the pain. How would you feel if you had an A? I am not suggesting that you do, but that he should put himself in your shoes.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dogbert said:


> Through PTSD therapy I was able to overcome the mind movies. It took close to 2 years before their impact became very minimal. *Divorce also helped.*


Interesting many in the Psych Community do not recognize PTSD in regards to the BS dealing with infidelity. I think they fall into the "Get Over It" crowd. 

Having lived firsthand with the pain of infidelity, I think a collective TAM... Hogwash, is in order.

Mind Movies are a real threat to R if not your sanity. 5+ years down the road, they still "Roll By" but don't have the intense hold on me as early on. 

"Divorce also Helped"... LOL


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

RWB said:


> Interesting many in the Psych Community do not recognize PTSD in regards to the BS dealing with infidelity. I think they fall into the "Get Over It" crowd.
> 
> Having lived firsthand with the pain of infidelity, I think a collective TAM... Hogwash, is in order.
> 
> ...


Wow then having my XWW have sex with another man, while still married to me, means I wasn't a victim of infidelity. Nice to know that RWB.

Hogwash my @$$! Read *Love is War: Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder* and make an appointment with *Barry A. Bass, Ph.D.*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dogbert said:


> Wow then having my XWW have sex with another man, while still married to me, means I wasn't a victim of infidelity. Nice to know that RWB.
> 
> Hogwash my @$$! Read *Love is War: Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder* and make an appointment with *Barry A. Bass, Ph.D.*


Satire? You do know I'm agreeing with you?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

RWB said:


> Satire? You do know I'm agreeing with you?


Got it. Barked up the wrong tree.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Yes it is possible to conquer the mind movies but it takes time and you need counseling specific to this kind of trauma.
> 
> I started this thread for BW like yourself titled *For BWs only (sorry guys, ladies only)*, why don't you check it out?


Thanks Dogbert. I checked out some of the thread that you posted and found it very helpful. I will read more of it in a bit.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Ginger: I'm sorry to say that I truly believe that it is largely the modus operandi of the cheater to use those very same lines that they used to flirt with their spouse, as they use with their illicit partner. That set of flirtaceous lines is all too common to their particular personality, and it hurts so very much when you see evidence of the fact that those very same lines used on their legitimate partner, is being used on the illicit one.
> 
> I know that it absolutely tore my soul apart when I read the FB exchange between my own rich, skanky XW and one of her of her OM that I didn't have the first damn clue who ever existed. To hear those exact same lines of hers some 1-1/2 years hence, almost verbatim, simply ripped at my inner being.
> 
> ...


Thank you Arbitrator for the prayers and best wishes. I can so relate to the part of having your sole torn apart.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Sweet G, I found out about my ex WS's affair roughly the same time as you. It does still sting from time to time as there are many triggers out there. But to think that he is repeating flirty phrases is a low act. Just ask him to stop doing it. Be strong! As for the mind movies - for me it was just a case that time had given me the strength to laugh it off or feel more neutral. It does still cut but I find that is usually dependent on mood etc. and they are less frequent by far. They will always be there and for that alone I find it hard to forgive her.


Hello Horizon
I am sorry you are still having problems with triggers. I am also having a difficult problem with them as well. And you are right there are many triggers I face every day.
I have asked him to stop the flirting, but that does not work with him. I also find it hard to forgive because of the mind movies and also for the continued lying.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> Tough one, my sympathies Sweet Ginger. The mind movies can really mess with your ability to connect again, especially sexually. Your H sounds very similar to mine. I couldn't have sex with him at all for a long time after D day, and when we did resume relations I could tell right away that it would never feel the same, not the act itself, but the connection, sense of oneness, that you have with someone you completely trust and love.
> 
> Have you confronted him about his flirty talk? If so and he chooses to continue, then I'd say the chances of getting past the mind movies are non existent. I don't think you will ever get over your mind movies until your husband completely and sincerely takes responsibility for his actions and takes steps to end his addictions.
> 
> Good for you for taking your own steps to change your circumstances. Better to concentrate on yourself than expect him to change.


Hi Blahfridge,
Thank you for your response. I have a couple of questions if you don't mind answering. It sounds like you choose R over D. If so can you say if you trust your husband right now?
And also do you regret not getting a D?
I have confronted him about the flirty and sadly he still does it behind my back.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you are trying to establish some independence so that you can be free of your serial lying and cheating H, then the mind movies should abate with time. If you can get rid of him, you won't really care after a while. (I remember your thread - you really should get rid of him. You deserve much better.)


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Do you have kids?
> 
> If not, I like how you are saving money, and planning for a better future.
> 
> ...


Hello ,HarryBrown, 
We have 3 children and they are of nest leaving age, 22, 20 and 18. Two of them full time college students and one part time student. I feel like my kids starting their own life is hard for me to handle while dealing with my WH.
I am tying to do a 180. I figure I can put all the effort that I helped my kids with, to now help myself.
We have been to counseling and the therapist told my husband things he could do to help me recover. But, my WH was more concerned with when I would get over it, so that we could have a sexual relationship again. The therapist said my WH has a narcissistic personality. My WH said the therapist didn't know what the f**k she was doing and that I am f**king nuts for listening to her.
I a trying to get my life in order so I can easily make a move.
And as far as having an affair I thought about it. I even asked my WH how he would feel if I did have one. His response was that he knows that I won't because I am too backward to move forward with an affair.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Hi Blahfridge,
> Thank you for your response. I have a couple of questions if you don't mind answering. It sounds like you choose R over D. If so can you say if you trust your husband right now?
> And also do you regret not getting a D?
> I have confronted him about the flirty and sadly he still does it behind my back.


If he's still doing something you told him upsets up because it reminds you of his betrayal, then he doesn't get it, does he? I saw from your other posts that the therapist thinks he's a narcissist. My therapist recently said the same thing about my husband. 
We haven't reconciled but aren't divorced, at least not yet. Right now, we are doing an in house separation of sorts, at my insistence. I would prefer that he move out, but he won't do it unless I force the issue and I just can't inflict that trauma on my kids right now. 
Our situations are similar in that I have older children, with only my son still a minor at 16 years old. One daughter is in college and the other is out, but living at home until she gets a decent job and can support herself. She hasn't been in any hurry to do that, which is another source of tension in the house. 
My H says he's changed since discovering my EA, and he has stopped drinking, except for the occasional beer or glass of wine when out to dinner. The therapist is urging him to do some IC for his addiction issues, and he says he will do so if everyone thinks he should, but he doesn't really think he has any issues. He says he could have stopped whenever he wanted with the alcohol abuse, the porn, and sex addiction. He has stopped, for now, but I agree with the therapist that, unless he examines why he behaved the way he has, then he will probably just do it again. 
So, in answer to your question, I haven't chosen divorce for now, but I think it's probably just a matter of time. I can't see myself ever wanting him again after the way he's treated me. Sadly, even if he changes, I think it's too late and too little.
Good luck to you, I am doing the same...working on my masters to be in a better position to support myself.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> If you are trying to establish some independence so that you can be free of your serial lying and cheating H, then the mind movies should abate with time. If you can get rid of him, you won't really care after a while. (I remember your thread - you really should get rid of him. You deserve much better.)


Hello Alt e Dame,
I feel embarrassed that I haven't done too much since I talked to you a while back. Recently I have had to deal with aging parents and slowed down a little on taking care of things for me. I really do want to move forward. Mainly because I know he will not stop cheating. I never have received the full truth from him and probably never will.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Did you ever find out who was dropping the napkins & what they were signaling?

I'm so sorry that you are still in the middle of this. Your WH can really, really lie. I hope that you will find your way out. We all have to handle things in our own time, so just go at your own pace.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I feel like I have been in a weird limbo reconcile situation. My D day was the beginning of the year in 2013. I need to know if it is honestly possible to get over the mind movies? I even have problems with my H talking to me using the same flirty phrases he used on the other women.
> 
> I need to mention my H is a habitual liar, serial cheating alcoholic. One of the reasons I did not choose to D him is because I have no funds. I have been saving money and taking classes to improve myself.


There are a few ways to get rid of mind movies. 
1. Divorce; but you can't do that yet or have chosen not to. 
2. Time; but it takes a long time.
3. Rug sweep; but it usually spells a repeat.
4. Indifference; this is my opinion the best approach if you're not leaving. For this to actually work though you have to grasp that you do not control anyone else but only how you respond to them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I might also add that my rich, skanky XW's trademarked flirty lines to the OMen, while painful of their own accord, were actually the "clean part" of my mind movies; the dirtier part of them that I continually visualized was her being hammered by the OMen in either of their abodes or some preset 5 star hotel room that she was summarily used to!

The dirtiest part of the mind movie, however, was her selling out our love and esteem for each other, as well as of that of the family, in order to embrace the hidden lies and the wanton deception that often accompanied her secretive out-of-town trysts!

And although I am divorced from her, to this very day and in my weakest moments, those very same mind movies come into view!

God, how I wished that they would all go away!*


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> If he's still doing something you told him upsets up because it reminds you of his betrayal, then he doesn't get it, does he? I saw from your other posts that the therapist thinks he's a narcissist. My therapist recently said the same thing about my husband.
> We haven't reconciled but aren't divorced, at least not yet. Right now, we are doing an in house separation of sorts, at my insistence. I would prefer that he move out, but he won't do it unless I force the issue and I just can't inflict that trauma on my kids right now.
> Our situations are similar in that I have older children, with only my son still a minor at 16 years old. One daughter is in college and the other is out, but living at home until she gets a decent job and can support herself. She hasn't been in any hurry to do that, which is another source of tension in the house.
> My H says he's changed since discovering my EA, and he has stopped drinking, except for the occasional beer or glass of wine when out to dinner. The therapist is urging him to do some IC for his addiction issues, and he says he will do so if everyone thinks he should, but he doesn't really think he has any issues. He says he could have stopped whenever he wanted with the alcohol abuse, the porn, and sex addiction. He has stopped, for now, but I agree with the therapist that, unless he examines why he behaved the way he has, then he will probably just do it again.
> ...


Hi blahfridge,
My husband could care less about what hurts me emotionally. He lacks empathy for others. Sometimes I think he has aspergers. When I tell him that I am taking anti-depressants to help me get through this situation, he tells me to get over it and that I am spaced out on drugs.

How do your children react to your in house separation? Do all three of your children want you to work it out and be together? My oldest daughter (22), told me last week that I should not consider how things would affect them when I make a decision.

I agree with you on the too little, too late. Plus I know I can not ever trust him again. Good luck to you also.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Did you ever find out who was dropping the napkins & what they were signaling?
> 
> I'm so sorry that you are still in the middle of this. Your WH can really, really lie. I hope that you will find your way out. We all have to handle things in our own time, so just go at your own pace.


Hello alt e Dame, 
No, I haven't found out about the napkins. I will still see one occasionally after he leaves for work. It will be laying right beside where his truck was parked. It really frustrates me when I see a napkin, because it just points out how everything about this whole thing is up in the air and makes me feel like I will never fully know what happened.

My WH is a very good liar! I am slowly moving ahead. I wish I was further ahead than I am. A couple of weeks ago I found out he met with a woman at his job, in his truck before all the others came in to work. He told me she was doing an on site visit. But he also told me he could have conducted the business on the phone, but that the woman insisted on meeting with him. If I was further ahead I would not have to be put through these kind of things.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> There are a few ways to get rid of mind movies.
> 1. Divorce; but you can't do that yet or have chosen not to.
> 2. Time; but it takes a long time.
> 3. Rug sweep; but it usually spells a repeat.
> 4. Indifference; this is my opinion the best approach if you're not leaving. For this to actually work though you have to grasp that you do not control anyone else but only how you respond to them.


Hello Thundarr,
I appreciate your input on the mind movies. Which I know it will be really hard, but I will work on it.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I might also add that my rich, skanky XW's trademarked flirty lines to the OMen, while painful of their own accord, were actually the "clean part" of my mind movies; the dirtier part of them that I continually visualized was her being hammered by the OMen in either of their abodes or some preset 5 star hotel room that she was summarily used to!
> 
> The dirtiest part of the mind movie, however, was her selling out our love and esteem for each other, as well as of that of the family, in order to embrace the hidden lies and the wanton deception that often accompanied her secretive out-of-town trysts!
> 
> ...


Hi Arbitrator,

I can totally feel your pain. I wonder if the cheating spouse knew how deep and painfully the hurt would be and how long it last, could they or would they want to do that to another person?

Wishing you luck on getting rid of your movies.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I feel like I have been in a weird limbo reconcile situation. My D day was the beginning of the year in 2013. I need to know if it is honestly possible to get over the mind movies? I even have problems with my H talking to me using the same flirty phrases he used on the other women.
> 
> I need to mention my H is a habitual liar, serial cheating alcoholic. One of the reasons I did not choose to D him is because I have no funds. I have been saving money and taking classes to improve myself.


Sweet Ginger,
I wish I could say that this is a simple thing to get through. I can't, as I am still dealing with it as it came back to haunt me 25 yrs. later due to his behavior changing. No, he wasn't having another affair, just anger over the stock crash a few yrs. back, money owed to him, ED issues, etc. Of course he never tried to talk to me about it or get outside help. He doesn't believe in therapist. So everything came back to me full force and I'm still dealing with it 4 yrs. later, even with therapy off and on for both of us. He's now agreed to go, but we can't seem to find the right one to help us get through this.

The memories of what he did, the visual's of them kissing, etc. are always with me. I moved into the guest room as I didn't want to be in the same bed as him. Our marriage is falling apart and I seem to have lost all feelings for him. At 71, it's a hard decision to make, to leave.

For anyone who doesn't believe that infidelity can't cause PTSD, I am living prove, they are wrong. I can't get my mind off of what he did, no matter how hard I try. I keep asking myself, "If he had truly loved me like he should have, with the good marriage I thought we had, he would have never betrayed me for 3 yrs. off and on." I don' t call that loving your wife and surely, not respecting her. 

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that got cancelled for today, after waiting 2 months to see this guy. I am so depressed, don't care about life or anything. Now I have to look for another one who I think can help me. Yes, I do feel that I need an anti-depressant to shut my mind up. Nothing else has worked for me. Twenty-seven yrs. ago when it happened, I finally had to go on them then or I was going to take my life. The only thing that stopped me was my 2 grandchildren and my children also. The pain was unbearable and now it's gotten back to almost the same point. Would I take my life now, No, but I am thinking about leaving. Life shouldn't be like this.

I wish I had an answer for you in the mind games. I do remember my therapist back then, telling me to put a rubber band on my wrist and every time I thought about it, to snap it. She also suggested, sitting in a chair for 30 minutes to an hour a day, at a set time and only allow yourself to focus on it during that time. I hope that helps you. Best of luck to you.

Granny7


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SG, in your case you should be using the mind movies as motivation to get out -- not trying to forget them. I dealt with mind movies for 30 years. After my divorce, they disappeared and now it's as if they never existed. 

My suggestion is that you do everything possible to speed the day you are finally free of a man who doesn't appreciate you and never will.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

intheory said:


> Sweet Ginger,
> 
> You know, maybe in one way, it's good to not get over the mind movies.
> 
> ...


Hello inteory,

Thank you for giving me a different angle to my mind movies. It does make sense. BTW I like the quote you have posted. It is sad that it is so true.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Morituri who actually saw *rea*l movies of his wife and her lover (lover very kindly posted the sex video to the Myspace site of Morituri and his wife) had a lot to get out of his mind.

In fact, he reported that he was watching the video when his wife came back home from her lover, she saw what he was watching and began throwing up.

He used NLP techniques to help lessen the hurt of what he saw.

Morituri is a hero of mine for how he dealt with the dreadful situation he found himself in.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Granny7 said:


> Sweet Ginger,
> I wish I could say that this is a simple thing to get through. I can't, as I am still dealing with it as it came back to haunt me 25 yrs. later due to his behavior changing. No, he wasn't having another affair, just anger over the stock crash a few yrs. back, money owed to him, ED issues, etc. Of course he never tried to talk to me about it or get outside help. He doesn't believe in therapist. So everything came back to me full force and I'm still dealing with it 4 yrs. later, even with therapy off and on for both of us. He's now agreed to go, but we can't seem to find the right one to help us get through this.
> 
> The memories of what he did, the visual's of them kissing, etc. are always with me. I moved into the guest room as I didn't want to be in the same bed as him. Our marriage is falling apart and I seem to have lost all feelings for him. At 71, it's a hard decision to make, to leave.
> ...


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> SG, in your case you should be using the mind movies as motivation to get out -- not trying to forget them. I dealt with mind movies for 30 years. After my divorce, they disappeared and now it's as if they never existed.
> 
> My suggestion is that you do everything possible to speed the day you are finally free of a man who doesn't appreciate you and never will.


Dear open-minded,

Thank you for responding. It gives me hope. I wish to be at the point you are now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My "mind movies" were bad enough without the added benefit of getting to see it online! Just hashing through all of her cell phone talk and text records, establishing phone contacts, timelines and cities, analyzing it by a calendar and general knowledge of when and how long that she was away from home, along with substantiation of her FB dialogue with both of her OMen, firmly substantiated where she had been and quite often in what hotel!

Mind you that I was into month 7 of separation from her when I found all of this out, largely thinking that she had ordered the separation simply because of some kind of an emotional breakdown on her part. Now I knew that that was nothing more than an unadulterated lie! And the sad thing was that it was still going on while we were physically separated!

Just knowing that my rich, skanky XW was off frolicking around naked in such ritzy venues as the Driskill in Austin, the Menger and the St. Anthony in San Antonio, or out on a cruise ship in the Gulf, or the Monteleone in New Orleans, all with another man in tow, just made me want to puke ~ and still does!*


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Morituri who actually saw *rea*l movies of his wife and her lover (lover very kindly posted the sex video to the Myspace site of Morituri and his wife) had a lot to get out of his mind.
> 
> In fact, he reported that he was watching the video when his wife came back home from her lover, she saw what he was watching and began throwing up.
> 
> ...


******************************************************

When the Om gave me pics of him and my WW in different sex acts...I went cold..i already had her phone and confirmed her A...The ONLY thing that saved me was anger...Pain and Anger are great life motivators ..But you will find NO peace within them...I knew I could never R...so I burned Everything to the ground..his family...her family and ours...

Nothing but "scorched earth"....I flied for D and her Family Had thought I was having the A (she had lied to them)...I told them I had proof and her mom called me "A Godda*n Liar...and demanded they see it... My exact words to them were "You do not want to see this...you will be completely Undone...and there is No coming back from it..." She called me a liar again...So I showed them the pics...It was as horriable as you can imagine...But I was free of her then...

She Never told me Why..and I have never understood that part of it...Badkarma


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> 
> When the Om gave me pics of him and my WW in different sex acts...I went cold..i already had her phone and confirmed her A...The ONLY thing that saved me was anger...Pain and Anger are great life motivators ..But you will find NO peace within them...I knew I could never R...so I burned Everything to the ground..his family...her family and ours...
> 
> ...


*Karma-man: If you don't mind me asking~ exactly what was your cheating XW's Mom's reaction to seeing "the pics?" I'd venture to guess that the sheer look on that mug of hers must have undoubtedly been just somewhere this side of "priceless!"*


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Karma-man: If you don't mind me asking~ exactly what was your cheating XW's Mom's reaction to seeing "the pics?" I'd venture to guess that the sheer look on that mug of hers must have undoubtedly been just somewhere this side of "priceless!"*


********************************************************

In retrospect...I so desperately wanted to be the Avenging Angel....But my actions did ( Even though they called me vile sh&t and accused me of the A) nothing but destroy 2 more innocent people in my WWs cluster of an A....Her mom actually screamed and started to cry...It was as bad as one thinks it was...

I have since thought ...how many innocents we destroyed by her A..Her Mom and Dad..OMS wife and 2 Kids...They both were fired from their jobs...Myself and our son...who will not speak to his mom now...and many friends and family..who will forever be torn...

I have learned much since d-day and my D....NO ONE is above suspicion ...and I will NEVER put anyone on a Pedestal again..


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Morituri who actually saw *rea*l movies of his wife and her lover (lover very kindly posted the sex video to the Myspace site of Morituri and his wife) had a lot to get out of his mind.
> 
> In fact, he reported that he was watching the video when his wife came back home from her lover, she saw what he was watching and began throwing up.
> 
> ...


Hello MattMatt,

I could not even imagine seeing a video. Sorry, but I need to ask what are NLP techniques?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

I have another question for some of you experts. Is there a way I can see who my WH calls or texts on his company cell phone? The reason I ask is because I have reason to believe he starting something up with another woman. I put a VAR in his truck yesterday. When I listened to it I could hear him taking to someone shortly after he left the house in the morning.

It was around 6 am. The only thing I could make out was him saying I "we can talk about that later." He has a habit of talking to himself, but I don't think that was the case. The truck running was making too much noise.

Anyway when he was in the shower I checked his phone and there were no calls showing at 6 am. I asked him if he deleted any calls and got very angry and said he never deletes anything.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have another question for some of you experts. Is there a way I can see who my WH calls or texts on his company cell phone? The reason I ask is because I have reason to believe he starting something up with another woman. I put a VAR in his truck yesterday. When I listened to it I could hear him taking to someone shortly after he left the house in the morning.
> 
> It was around 6 am. The only thing I could make out was him saying I "we can talk about that later." He has a habit of talking to himself, but I don't think that was the case. The truck running was making too much noise.
> 
> Anyway when he was in the shower I checked his phone and there were no calls showing at 6 am. I asked him if he deleted any calls and got very angry and said he never deletes anything.


SG, is he worth this way of life for you? It's kind of a rhetorical question because my position is that no one is worth having to make snooping a way of life. If he cheated in the past and he's not doing the heavy lifting of being transparent then I hope you can see that reconciliation has already failed. You must dredd the day when you wake up wondering if you'll find the evidence today. That's not a healthy or happy way to live life.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

What helped my own was becoming focused on myself. 

As i did that, they receded into the background. 

But don't just focus on yourself, do something about it. Work out, hang out with friends, treat yourself. Learn to give yourself the love that the WS never did.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Sweet Ginger,
Thank you for your kind words. I have an appointment this morning with a new psychiatrist to do just that. I had started taking them about 2 months ago, but when I had to call and ask the psychiatrist a question due to some minor surgery I needed, he got on to me for bothering him with such a question after hours. That was it for me and I had only seen him one time. 

So, I am finally getting into seeing one that I had seen 25 yrs. ago and I'm going to show him what I was put on, at least for 2 weeks that I took it. Once I found out that I wasn't going to see the other one again I had to stop what I was taking till I found another new one.

It will be interesting to see what he has to say this morning. I am so depressed and haven't smiled or laughed with him in over 2 yrs. He is trying now to make it work, but doesn't want to discuss the affair with me. When I think of something that I want to know, he gets mad that I am bringing up something negative again. He owes me these answer's, yet he can't understand why I want him to talk about the OW and why do I want to go through hearing about her. I tell him, "You led a secret life while married to me for over 3 yrs. and I want to know everything that happened, your feelings, etc. and he claims that he has put this out of his mind and doesn't even want to talk about it anymore. I get so angry inside. 

My grandson finishes his Bar exam in 2 weeks, so me leaving his Grandfather now would really upset him and I can't do that to him. I do want to leave, just scared to make the step till I get on medication where I am able to get out of the house and be around people again. It's so hard to function like this right now, so I'm praying that today will be a productive day to help me.. Then I can think more clearly. That doesn't stop me from being so angry with him for what he has done to me. 

I'll keep you posted on how it's going. I wish you the best and I hope something that I said has been of some help to you.

I did forget to tell you, I also after being on anti-depressants and Xanax for my panic attacks (this all happened after I found out about this unexpected affair, to say I was shocked doesn't even describe how I felt) I went to a class offered at a college on depression. They told us we had to walk 30 minutes everyday. Try and get a hobby, which I took up watercolors and ceramics. The latter one really helped me take my mind off my problems and I enjoyed it. I took up voice lessons also. All of these things helped me, so I wanted to offer these thoughts to you. I'm not able to do those things yet right now as my nerves are so bad and it takes all I can do to get dressed and leave the house. So I hope this helps you out. 

If he was still drinking, I would be out of here. He stopped cold turkey 2 1/2 yrs. ago, after drinking every night, like 3 glasses of wine and hasn't drank since that Christmas day where he drank way to much and embarrassed himself in front of my visiting Dad. He's less controlling, but the one thing I can't stand is, not knowing to trust what he has told be about the affair and the betrayal of what he did.

Anyway, take care of yourself, I'll be thinking about you.

Blessings, Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Morituri who actually saw *rea*l movies of his wife and her lover (lover very kindly posted the sex video to the Myspace site of Morituri and his wife) had a lot to get out of his mind.
> 
> In fact, he reported that he was watching the video when his wife came back home from her lover, she saw what he was watching and began throwing up.
> 
> ...


MattMatt,
What are NLP technic's?
Thanks, Granny7


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badkarma2013 said:


> In retrospect...I so desperately wanted to be the Avenging Angel....But my actions did ( Even though they called me vile sh&t and accused me of the A) nothing but destroy 2 more innocent people in my WWs cluster of an A....Her mom actually screamed and started to cry...It was as bad as one thinks it was...


Blood is thicker than water in her case. Sure, innocent about the A, but not innocent in the fact that they treated you like sh!t and could no longer have the high ground because you had the proof. Otherwise they would still be calling you a POS to this day. They NEEDED to know that their daughter is no innocent angel. I wish I had the proof you have when I was confronting my ex-wife's family. She NEVER admitted the affair, so she was able to be their innocent angel, and it was explainable because OM was "just a friend", and I was the batsh!t crazy one.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Granny7 said:


> MattMatt,
> What are NLP technic's?
> Thanks, Granny7


I believe that morituri used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. Do a Google search.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> I believe that morituri used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. Do a Google search.


Dogbert,
Thanks for the advice. We had a study going on in my city. I went to apply for it, but my symptoms were to severe for them to take me into the program. I was so disappointed, I could cry. I thought it would be my solution to help me. I couldn't believe that they turned me down. Not sure how good it works. I've done bio-feed back and it didn't help with Panic Attacks. They gave me some names of therapists that do it, but none of them are in my network. I have a very strong memory recall, even to picturing the moment. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Not sure it would help me, but will check into it again.

I think if I was separated from him, I wouldn't be having them. Just seeing him, trigger's what he did and my mind can't handle it, but I'm scared to make the move to leave as my family is going to turn against me and it will hurt my grandchildren who love there Grandfather. Plus the humiliation I feel that they would know all about his loss of love for me and that hurts me so bad. 

They have made comments to there parents that I don't always respond nicely to there Grandpa, but they don't know what he might have done or not done before they see us together. It takes all I can do to be civil to him in front of people and family as I am ashamed of him for what he has done to our marriage and his loss of morals. He's definitely is not the man I married and wouldn't marry someone like him again. I just wish I could trust what he says, but I don't. I feel he minimizes it to make himself look better. I have two thoughts, one to just leave and move on and be at peace, but don't know if I'll ever find peace no matter what I do. He thinks that me going on anti-depressants is going to be the solution, like it's a magic pill. I don't doubt that it will help, but I can't believe it's going to make you love someone again. 

I made that choice 25 yrs. ago after 5 yrs. of therapy, of which he went to, but didn't participate to help us. We went to Marriage Encounter Weekend at a Franciscan Monastery to help us. He didn't participate in that either, which was once a week on a weekend for 6 weeks. Never asked questions, nor spoke up. It was a waste of time for him to learn anything, but I made a decision to totally forgive him and just move on to finally have some peace in our life. We also just had twin grandson's born, which helped take our mind off our problems, as did the other grandchildren did as they came along. That's when I felt the most happy, but now they are all older and are busy with there jobs, so we hardly ever see them. It's just him and me and there doesn't seem to be much left. At 71, it's a hard decision to make to get up and leave after 53 yrs. of marriage, where we started out with $90 and worked our way to a very comfortable and stable life. Yes, it can all be divided and split down the middle, but then I don't know if I'll be happy living alone as I will blame him for all the pain he has caused in our life. The drinking, lack of specialness that he made me feel, him taking in the marriage and not giving back, his controlling of everything in our life, being a bad Father, etc. The only thing he did good in our marriage for most of those 53 yrs. was earn a good living, being good in the stock market and managing the money to the best of it's advantage, even though we were denied things but he got the best suits for work, etc. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. He doesn't even know that during his affair, he never looked at it that he was disrespecting me and our marriage. He doesn't know what empathy means. It's a mess and I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I could let it all go and let him live with any lies that he might be caring around, but I don't feel that I can do that again.

Sorry for going on and on, it's just all pouring out right now.

Take care,
Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Sweet Ginger,
Sorry to be taking over so much of your post. Your's has just brought out a lot of what I'm going through, but I should just start another one on my own, so I apologize to you.

Granny7


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