# Recovering from depression...not enough?



## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

Hi again. I've written a post about my husband's depression, about possibly divorcing a depressed husband and if it was insensitive to consider divorce. Long story short I recently found out he has had undiagnosed depression his whole life. 

So now things are better, we are fighting less. He continues to seek help through therapy sessions and learning skills to deal with his emotions. He has a few outburst of sudden irritability, but less frequently. We have even seen a marriage counselor and we both felt good leaving the session. 

This should All be good news. However I still find myself emotionally distant, despite the positive changes. A brief history of our relationship: we have been together for 8 years, the relationship moved really quickly. We moved in together at 21 with knowing each other only for 5 months. A few months later we fought alot. What I thought was just stress and it would pass, never did. there has been petty arguments and irritability from my husband, and belittling me and blaming me for most our fights for all those 8 years, and almost everyday. 

After getting pregnant the first year of knowing each other, we knew we had to make it work. So two kids later, here we are.

So back to the good news of my husband getting help and us finally being able to see a much needed marriage counselor....my question is, will I ever be able to fall in love with my husband again? Is there such a thing as it's too late? Or am I wrong for the way I feel. I feel as if I'm so distant from him and years of built up resentment, it will take way too much time and healing. I feel like the worst wife ever for admitting this. Also it has only been 3 months of him having his big realization that he needed help. I know it will take time, and 3 months is not that long at all. So I guess I'm hoping for words of encouragement? 

Has anyone been in such a position where there spouse finally wanted to step up to the plate and make changes as you were plotting to eventually divorce? We're you able to rekindle the fire? 

He loves me, and says he is doing this for me. Which makes me feel even worst for not having the same feelings back. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him like he is with me. Any thoughts? I know I should be focused on the positive, it's just my heart is in a different place. Can anyone relate?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think you need to give it time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

boygirlmom said:


> So back to the good news of my husband getting help and us finally being able to see a much needed marriage counselor....my question is, will I ever be able to fall in love with my husband again? It can be possible, there is no one answer. My personal experience has been once my love is gone, it doesnt come back. Everyone is not me though. Is there such a thing as it's too late? Yes there is. Or am I wrong for the way I feel. I feel as if I'm so distant from him and years of built up resentment, it will take way too much time and healing. I feel like the worst wife ever for admitting this. No you are not wrong for the way you feel. Also it has only been 3 months of him having his big realization that he needed help. I know it will take time, and 3 months is not that long at all. So I guess I'm hoping for words of encouragement?


3 months is not very long at all. It took YEARS for things to get to this point, logic dictates it could take YEARS to recover to a place of peace and contentment. I think that if you give it another 3 months, you should be able to get a decent gauge of how he is going to do with all this, (as in whether the changes are positive and sincere) and if you are starting to build feelings again.




boygirlmom said:


> Has anyone been in such a position where there spouse finally wanted to step up to the plate and make changes as you were plotting to eventually divorce? Yes. We're you able to rekindle the fire? No.


In my case, his changes were not for real and did not last anyway. 




boygirlmom said:


> He loves me, and says he is doing this for me. Which makes me feel even worst for not having the same feelings back. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him like he is with me. Any thoughts? I know I should be focused on the positive, it's just my heart is in a different place. Can anyone relate?


While it is a noble thought that he is doing this for you, he really needs to be working on being better for HIMSELF. The changes are not going to stick, otherwise. Kind of like you cant force an alcoholic to quit drinking... the desire for sobriety has to come from within that individual, nothing else works. It sounds like he is putting in real effort, hopefully that is resulting in him feeling better.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Before you can address falling back in love, try to tackle the simpler problem of can you be good roommates. That is, can you live together in harmony and raise your kids in a healthy environment? Although it helps, you don't actually need to love each other to do that. What you need is to respect and be able to work with the other person in a productive way. 

You say you fought a lot, but that won't just go away if you are have the love found in a long relationship. There is a kind of passionate, infatuation love you have at the start of the relationship which makes everything seem wonderful, but that fades over time. It's not typically to have that kind of love over a long marriage. What is typically seen in a marriage is that you love your spouse sort of like you love a best friend. 

It sounds like you guys got married when you were still in that passionate phase. But once that faded, you saw his true personality. I'm not sure if his anger toward you was due to the depression. He could have treated you respectfully even though he was depressed. I guess give the therapy more time to work. But if he keeps treating you the same way, the conclusion is likely that he won't change. Since you have kids it's worth giving this some time, but don't hang on forever hoping for him to turn into Prince Charming.


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## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

I see this original post is a bit old, but I wanted to reply and say that I'm in the exact same boat and feel like complete garbage about the situation. Do you have an update? How are things working out for you?


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