# How do I ease the pain?



## filbert (Dec 26, 2008)

Hello. I found out recently that my wife had an affair with a co-worker. I confronted her and after some work she admitted her infidelity. She was devastated with her actions, broke off the affair, and re-devoted herself to me and our family. I have to say she has been more wonderful than anytime in our marriage. She is caring, loving, and affectionate. Everything I ask for before the revelation. Without me asking, she has made herself an open book to me and I can see in her eyes that she is truly sorry. 

I love her dearly. I only want to be with her. But I am ashamed to say that I am having trouble getting the visions out of my head of her with the other man. My heart sinks and I ache more than I feel I can bare. This is not about blaming her. I clearly see both our roles in this disaster and a major part of the pain is the realization of my inaction in preventing the affair.

I am terrified that this pain will destroy what we are trying to rebuild. So how do I ease this pain?

Thank you


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It sounds like you guys are really putting in the work. Sad to say only time will heal that wound. but like a severe wound you will always bear the scare. When those thoughts come to your head. You need to remember how things were there and then you have to will yourself to think how things are now. You wife will have to understand that you cannot control when the thoughts come to you. All she can do (and this is important) is to study you your demeanor and when you look like you are remembering she need to go to you, hug you, and tell you how sorry she is and how much she loves. If she ever gets tired of it. She needs to go look in the mirror and say "I did this to us". If consulation ever stops or she looks impatient or tired of it. Like it is some kind of hassle. Divorce her. This is the cross she bears. You take it until you can't. You'll know if you can. Now show her this post.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

aww I think thats normal, I have the same thoughts in my mind to! I think that it just takes time to heal. I have that burning feeling in my chest the stomach butterflys and all. its horrible. Everyone tells you just listen to your gut but how do you do that when your gut is always in knots.


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## filbert (Dec 26, 2008)

I appreciate the comment. Thankfully my wife is holding up wonderfully and there is no sign that her affection for me is a hassle. In fact, it is the complete opposite. I have found that the only thing that helps me is her affection. I was just worried that she is doing everything she can possibly do and it will be all for not because I can't get over the pain.


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## filbert (Dec 26, 2008)

sunflower said:


> aww I think thats normal, I have the same thoughts in my mind to! I think that it just takes time to heal. I have that burning feeling in my chest the stomach butterflys and all. its horrible. Everyone tells you just listen to your gut but how do you do that when your gut is always in knots.


Thank you for the support. One day at a time I guess.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I feel as though I wrote your post myself. (see my original post). 

It's been three months for me now since my husband confessed and broke off his affair with his co-worker. Three months ago I did not know how I could go on, I was so devastated. I too could not shake "the image" of the two of them together. I saw and heard this woman's name EVERYWHERE, like rubbing salt in a wound. I thought about them constantly, and wondered if I could ever get past it. 

Here's the upshot of things, at least from my perspective:

1. It does not hurt as much today as it did three months ago, so I know time really IS going to help heal us both. We will never forget, but we CAN forgive and heal. 

2. My husband and I have found a new "us". We are open and honest, and we vow never to let our relationship go on the back burner again. No matter what life brings, we will always make time for each other. We had a great marriage for a long time, and it never really was a bad one, just neglected.

3. I suspect you and I may be luckier than most (I know it doesn't feel that way), but If you have read any of the posts on this forum, you will have seen how many times cheaters are unable/unwilling to break off their affairs. This makes everything more complicated. As I read your post, especially "I can see in her eyes that she is truly sorry", and "I love her dearly", this is exactly how I found the strength to go on.

4. It may not work for you, but I found that whenever "the image" starts to rise in my mind, I immediately think of my husband, tears in his eyes, silent as I yelled and screamed my hurt out. I swear I could see his love and pain down to the depths of his soul that night. Try and find your own image to replace the bad one. 

I still have my bad days, when something catches me off guard ....but for the most part, there's no doubt things are getting better for me. And they will for you, too. 

May God bless you both.


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## filbert (Dec 26, 2008)

blindsided said:


> I feel as though I wrote your post myself. (see my original post).
> 
> It's been three months for me now since my husband confessed and broke off his affair with his co-worker. Three months ago I did not know how I could go on, I was so devastated. I too could not shake "the image" of the two of them together. I saw and heard this woman's name EVERYWHERE, like rubbing salt in a wound. I thought about them constantly, and wondered if I could ever get past it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for such a wonderful post. It was very touching. You have given me hope and inspiration. I will try your technique and see if it makes a difference. Thank you again!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You know what I think when I want to leave. EVEN though I love my husband with all my heart. I think that every marriage has its ups and downs no marriage our there is perfect. And she realised what she did was wrong and is willing to make it up to you! then work on that and distract those thoughts. talk throught things openly but dont push I pushed and pushed him and it brought nothing but pain and anger. I know now that if you really love someone you will make it work. figure out why she did it then make sure you work on that so it doesnt happen again and you guys become stronger.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

blindsided said:


> I feel as though I wrote your post myself. (see my original post).
> 
> It's been three months for me now since my husband confessed and broke off his affair with his co-worker. Three months ago I did not know how I could go on, I was so devastated. I too could not shake "the image" of the two of them together. I saw and heard this woman's name EVERYWHERE, like rubbing salt in a wound. I thought about them constantly, and wondered if I could ever get past it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Great post. I just wanted to say that I have also been in a very similar position and time really does do wonders on the disturbing images & replacing bad thoughts with good ones helps train your mind in a sense and helps.


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## theirishdubliner (Dec 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> aww I think thats normal, I have the same thoughts in my mind to! I think that it just takes time to heal. I have that burning feeling in my chest the stomach butterflys and all. its horrible. Everyone tells you just listen to your gut but how do you do that when your gut is always in knots.


The knots in my stomach are part of my life now. What is real and what is not, I can't compare... Its horrible.


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