# I'm not sure if I'm justified in feeling this way about my husband



## Grace5e (Jan 5, 2018)

Today, I am flying to a different continent and staying there for 2 months of work. I booked my tickets just other day and saw that my flight was leaving earlier than when the buses start running. Since we don't have a car, I told my husband that I would just take a cab, which would cost me around $70, and just try to get reimbursed for it at the end of my trip. He then said, "Why don't you just leave the day prior and stay at a B&B close to the airport?" So I looked at the cheap places to stay, and the decent ones were at least $50. So I told my husband that we wouldn't really be saving money. And then he started enumerating why I should still do it. He said, "1. So you don't have to wake up too early" (we live about 45 minutes from the airport), "2. I won't have to wake up early to say goodbye to you on my leave." (He took a 3-day leave after new years day) "3. We save money". That was when I told him that I don't mind waking up early because I'm just going to sleep on the flight, and that when he wakes up early, it's just to say goodbye to me...and we are not really saving money with this. And he kept insisting. So please let me know if I'm justified in feeling this way...I am hurt...because I am about to leave home for 2-months. Being apart is not really anything new to us, because we were long distance throughout the entire time we were dating, and after the first year of marriage, I got a job that required for me to fly out at least twice a year for extended period of times. But I don't think he understands that each time I leave, I feel depressed because I'm leaving him and my now 1.5-year old husky behind. My time with them is precious to me, and I felt as if he didn't care if I spend the last night with them or not. He said, "Don't worry. I'll borrow my co-workers car so I can take you there." "Why in the world couldn't you just take me to the airport in the morning?!" "Because it's too early". So after mulling over it, I conceded, and I was able $30 loft 10-minutes away from the airport. I still was not at peace with it at that point. 

We went to dinner, and we had an argument because he started talking bad about a friend's kid that I love so much. Back story: We had a really big fight on the day the kid was celebrating his birthday because my husband was having alcohol withdrawals and said he didn't want to go. He had told me that he would come with me earlier that week, and it got my hopes up that he was coming because he dislikes gatherings. I was so upset with him that I started yelling at him and saying that he doesn't even have any remorse over standing me up, and that he wasn't upset about it even though the withdrawals were his fault...that I have to suffer being alone because of his withdrawals. The argument escalated and he ended up punching the glass door of the kitchen, and cutting his thumb where he had to get stitches. After that event, he couldn't move his thumb up and down, and because we had already made up, he would joke about how it's because of a 3-year old boy that his thumb is the way it is. 

Anyway, on our way to dinner, he started saying how, the first time he met the kid, the kid started talking about "stinging nettle" to him. Previously, I had told my husband that when I was taking care of the kid, we were walking around and I said "Oh, that's a nice flower", and the kid looked at it and said, "that's an awesome hibiscus!". So I told my husband about that incident and was telling him that the kid is really smart and that he would like him. But on the way to dinner, he said "The kid is playing the adults. He thinks he is really smart and cute. So when he started talking to me about the 'hibiscus' [he changed his story], I didn't give him a response. I just looked at him while he waited for a response. I showed him." "You showed him?" What kind of a man am I married to that he would do that to a child? So we had an argument until we got to the restaurant, and he said "It was a joke". A joke? There was no point in that conversation where he made it out as a joke. He has a vendetta against the kid for the argument that we had where he injured his thumb. Somebody please tell me...am I married to a man or a child??

We ate our dinner, and when we got home, I didn't feel as bad about leaving home a day earlier. We had talked about how maybe we could do something in the city where the airport is. He said "We could go to lunch!" I was excited at the idea, and didn't feel as "abandonded" as he was making me feel earlier when he was just insisting for me to find a b&b. We had an argument about it, because he asked me what time we should go, and I said 2pm (because that's when the lunch place usually open). When he said "That's really late. How about 12?" I said, okay. And he responded with this. "Sheesh...why do you have to be so difficult". I said, "Why are you being impatient with me?" And he said, "Because you're being a pain. I was only asking what time we should leave and you're making it difficult." I lost it...I went up to him and told him that I wasn't being a pain, that I answered his question, and that I did not deserve to be treated like that. That's when I realized that he was like that because of the alcohol he had over dinner. 

Back story: 
He had a an alcohol problem that started when we got married and moved into our home. The wine where we lived was cheap and good, so we started buying by the bulk. He would drink, at first, 1 bottle of wine per night. That escalated, and it became 3. He would have periods where he wouldn't drink, and but even then, he would have bad withdrawals that would cause his temper to flare and ilicit a bad reaction from me. We were in an ugly situation. I felt like I didn't have a husband. It was a lonely marriage for the both of us. He wasn't there to be my husabnd except for providing finanially, and I wasn't there for him as a wife because I couln't handle talking to somebody who was drunk and would just pass out. I too, had my mistakes at that time. Instead of feeling sorry for him and acknowledging that he was going through something rough, I made it harder for him to quit by badgering him. Before November 2017 ended, he managed to get rid of the alcohol again, but started drinking daily again before the holidays. He would leave work everyday and go to a restaurant close to where we live and have a glass or 2. Before Christmas, he went bought a 1.8L of sake and drank it all in one night, and even though he did it, I believe that his tolerance with alcohol has gone down. 

Over dinner, he had 4 restaurant glasses of wine, and I believe that was why he was treating me like crap. I thought, "Why? Why would you do this to me the day before I leave?" I told him that I would just take the bus to the b&b, and we argued a little bit more, and then we went to bed. 

The following morning, no apologies were said. I didn't want to have a bad day. I was leaving. When noon came, he said, "do you want to take the dog out one last time before you leave?" He said it's my way of spending time with the dog...but honestly, the more I think about it now, the more I see that he just wanted me to do another chore before I left. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel about it.

I came back up with the dog, and he said "we gotta go". Him saying that, stung. It sounded as if he couldn't wait until I left. And so off we went. He took me to a Chinese buffet that I was so excited about, and when we got done with the food, it was about 3pm. And it dawned on me that he had mentioned earlier that day he wanted to return the car back before his coworker came home from work, but I was preoccupied with not forgetting anything, that it didn't really sink in. And when we were driving back to the b&b, I realized, "Why in the world am I going to the b&b, which is in the middle of nowhere, at 3pm??? Why did I leave home this early when my flight is not until 6:45am the next morning?" So I started vocalizing it. And all he could say was "control your hormones!" "Stop acting like a child". He knew that I was about to be on my period, and he knew to use that to evade answering any questions. He couldn't answer why he was taking me there that early. He couldn't. And each time I asked, it hurt, because I didn't know the answer to it either. Why did ask for the car only for the afternoon and not the evening? Why couldn't he take me after dinner, or at dinner so I could have had more time at home? (His answer to this was "it's going to be dark and I'll be by myself without a navigator") I felt like he was trying to get rid of me. I was already breaking down, and he was gesturing with his hand describing how I was...from super happy for the Chinese buffet, to super upset that I'm already being taken to the b&b. He was using his hands, and I lost it. I started hitting his hand. After I started hitting his hand, he asked me "Do you want to explore?" Of course I didn't! Not at that point! I felt like he failed me. That he couldn't treat me right the night prior, and that he couldn't treat me the day that he was trying to get rid of me. When we got to the b&b, I said it was my fault for not communicating that I was hurt about him insisting that I leave. We also concluded about how we didn't talk about exploring. We only talked about lunch. But shouldn't he have known? As a husband, shouldn't he know how his wife would feel if he did all of these things? Why couldn't he borrow the car in the evening One after the other...they're piling into a heap in a matter of 48 hours. We settled the issue, and we said our goodbyes.

About an hour after, the sun was still up, but because it was a very cloudy day, it was depressing. I was busy studying for a test that I have to take later on this month, and I felt as if the room wasn't warmig up with the space heater I was gievn. I asked the person who gave me the keys if they ceiling AC had heat, and they said it only gives out cold air. I was in a cold box and I had nowhere to go. No cafe's or restaurants within close walking distance. Nowhere. And I just looked back at what could have been: me, warm at home, with my dog beside me. Me, sleeping in my own bed, waking up early the following morning, taking a cab, and going straight to the airport. All the heartache and the tears and the arguments that could have been avoided had I stood my ground on just taking a cab. I realized that I was in that cold box because my husband didn't want to wake up early to say goodbye. I'm in a cold box because it needed to be convenient for him. So texted him on whatsapp to tell him how upset I was. I thought about just going home. I had 30 minutes before the last bus leaves the city to take me home. I had 30 minutes to decide. So I packed my things and put my shoes on. As I was looking up numbers for taxis in the area, i realized that I didn't have my house keys. I looked to see if my wall of text had been read, and they weren't. So I thought to myself. If he isn't home, then I will have to sit outside my door or call my landlord (which I don't want to do). So I texted his co-worker. The coworker that he always has to answer or reply to even when we're at dinner. I sent a facebook message to the person: "My husband is not answering is phone. Can you tell him that I do not have keys to the house? Thanks!" No response. I decided against going home because I really didn't want to see my husband. After about 30 minutes, he responds back to my texts. He receives a message from his co-worker. He starts calling me a fool. A dumb woman. A crazy woman. He called me other names. He asks me if I want a divorce. He says "Let's do it". "End this". Because he's scared of his co-worker and what his coworker might say. Because he couldn't stand up for me. Because I couldn't stand up for myself against him. I don't understand him at all. I don't understand his reaction to me texting his co-worker. I don't understand why he is that scared of his co-worker...scared enough to sacrifice his relationship with me. I don't understand why he wanted me to leave earlier than I had to. I'm not all innocent. When I sent him a wall of text, I said "**** you!" We curse at each other now. We used to not to. The alcohol happened when we moved in, and he curses me like it's nothing. I use to restrain myself, but I have let go of that restraint and i have started cursing him, not only in my mind, but with my mouth. I feel like we don't have a foundation. Where is our foundation? What is it? He can be a nice person to me, but when alcohol is involved, all rules are out the window. We are verbally abusive to each other. We need help, but he doesn't want it. He tells me I have to talk to someone about my problems, but just me. Because of a previous incident while we were dating, he talked to a counselor, he reversed the situation and the counselor sided with him (or in the counselor's eyes, me). He can't seem to forget about that and he thinks that if we go to a counselor, I won't like the counselor's answers. I am so tired of this. I am happy that I'm leaving for 2 months. At the end of the 2 months, I don't know if I should hope for things to change. Maybe he's right. I am a child, and I am not ready for this. I am so confused with what to do. This is all so confusing.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Well, I didn't make it through all of your post but I did read most of it. Listen, your husband is an alcoholic. You can't rationalize with an alcoholic even when they're not actively drinking in the moment. Stop conversing with him when he's drinking. Read up on alcoholism and read up on co-dependency. It'll probably help you understand some of the dynamics of your relationship. 

IMO, you were wrong to bring his co-worker into it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you're miserable. How often are you two having sex? I'm guessing none, as you two are probably roommates.

Detach and start dating on your 2 month separation. Nothing to save here, save yourself from misery and pain. You're worth much more and don't settle for a drunk. 3 BOTTLES a night?? How fat is he?


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## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

My head hurts after reading this. You both need to grow up. He’s childish and insensitive. You seem to have a check list for the exact steps your husband must take to keep you happy and can’t handle it if he doesn’t check them off exactly the way you think he should. 

The alcohol thing is a no brainer. If he can’t handle his alcohol, he needs to stop drinking. You need to stop having expectations over every single action and then being dramatically despondent when things don’t go exactly the way you want. Your husband wasn’t being overly cruel over your departure plan. He just wasn’t trying play out the long, romantic scene you wanted. You said, yourself, that the two of you being apart is no big deal, so why are you expecting elaborate displays when you go? Do you need to see him running after the plane and sobbing in anguish over the thought of not being with you for a short time? 

Personally, I can see why he might welcome a break, not necessarily from you but from the relationship itself. All the drama and competition to see who can play victim first or best must be exhausting.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Sounds like he has a bit of a drinking problem and you have a problem with expectations and making him responsible for your feelings.

He probably was eager to get you out and on your trip. That's sort of understandable. You use the term "hurt" a lot about things that could have been avoided if you had stated your desires instead of expecting him to read your mind. That's super annoying. I tend to roll my eyes at people who are hurt about everything, especially avoidable crap, instead of taking responsibility for their part in it all.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

MidnightBlue said:


> My head hurts after reading this. You both need to grow up. He’s childish and insensitive. You seem to have a check list for the exact steps your husband must take to keep you happy and can’t handle it if he doesn’t check them off exactly the way you think he should.
> 
> The alcohol thing is a no brainer. If he can’t handle his alcohol, he needs to stop drinking. You need to stop having expectations over every single action and then being dramatically despondent when things don’t go exactly the way you want. Your husband wasn’t being overly cruel over your departure plan. He just wasn’t trying play out the long, romantic scene you wanted. You said, yourself, that the two of you being apart is no big deal, so why are you expecting elaborate displays when you go? Do you need to see him running after the plane and sobbing in anguish over the thought of not being with you for a short time?
> 
> Personally, I can see why he might welcome a break, not necessarily from you but from the relationship itself. All the drama and competition to see who can play victim first or best must be exhausting.


EXACTLY SPOT ON. 

Someone's bad behavior does not justify your own bad behavior.
You do not HAVE to act poorly or childishly in response to someone's poor, childish, cruel, insensitive, or selfish behavior. You can control how you behave and you not not doing so. You are justifying your own tantrums based on the fact that his behavior is either poor or not what you want.
No one can read your mind. If you want a romantic goodbye, you may have to make that known.
If you have to start yelling, you have already lost the argument.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

This is why children shouldn't get married. Your post reads like you are both in high school. 

He sounds like an inconsiderate selfish jerk. You sound like an extremely high maintenance girl who will get upset if everything in your life doesn't go the way you dream things up in your head. I call it "Disney princess syndrome" where everything has to be a fairytale otherwise you don't feel loved properly. 

This all started by your husband trying to make things on you easier right? You had an issue with transportation to the airport and the costs involved. He offers a solution and it doesn't fit into your fairytales dreams, so you question his love for you. Yeah, thats real fair. 

Then you upset your hot headed alcoholic child of a husband, so he (predictably im sure for you) flies off the rails.

Perhaps you two should get some couples therapy and some much needed individual counseling to boot. Individual counseling to help yourselves grow up a bit. Couples counseling to ensure as you grow up, you grow together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are you both?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your husband is a drunk. You can't reason with a drunk. They have all the answers and know more about you than you need to know about yourself. They are smarter.

That being said, he was rushing for you to leave so he can start his binge drinking. Then, you brought his co-worker into it and he does not want them to know he is a drunk. So, now he is pissed. You messed with his drinking time. 

He is right. You need to end his unhealthy marriage. Count yourself lucky that you have two months to clear your head and live normal for a while. This marriage is bad.


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