# Am I wrong to feel this way?



## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

Long story short, my wife and her best friend decided to plan a Caribbean Vacation to celebrate their 40th birthdays. They are there now, at an all inclusive resort. My wife paid for the trip herself, not using our joint account. I'm left at home to take care of our six and three year old, and work. 

We have always allowed each other space and trips with our friends, but usually just a night or two away, the occasional long weekend.... but this trip was expensive, and she's gone five days starting yesterday.

I'm jealous and bitter as hell, mainly because we ourselves have never taken a trip of this expense or magnitude. I'm trying to put on a happy face but like I said, I'm just really bummed she'd take an adventure like this without me. Neither of us has been out of the country before. Yes, I know it's irrational.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MrNobody said:


> Long story short, my wife and her best friend decided to plan a Caribbean Vacation to celebrate their 40th birthdays. They are there now, at an all inclusive resort. My wife paid for the trip herself, not using our joint account. I'm left at home to take care of our six and three year old, and work.
> 
> We have always allowed each other space and trips with our friends, but usually just a night or two away, the occasional long weekend.... but this trip was expensive, and she's gone five days starting yesterday.
> 
> I'm jealous and bitter as hell, *mainly because we ourselves have never taken a trip of this expense or magnitude.* I'm trying to put on a happy face but like I said, I'm just really bummed she'd take an adventure like this without me. Neither of us has been out of the country before. Yes, I know it's irrational.


Your feelings are perfectly legit. Nothing irrational at all here. 

However, since you have young children, you're really not in a position to do something of this magnitude together (unless you have immediate family nearby willing to watch the yung'uns), so it's good you give each other freedom to take some separate time off.

But my personal feeling is that a long weekend is long enough at this phase of life. Others may see it differently. At least she paid out of her own account rather than draining joint funds.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

I get that it's a special occasion, turning 40 for both of them, but I feel left out that she wouldn't want to spend that milestone with me.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

OP-

Did you express your feelings to your wife prior to her making these plans?


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sdrawkcab said:


> OP-
> 
> Did you express your feelings to your wife prior to her making these plans?


No, I would never tell her not to do something. I told her after she did that I was jealous. She said she understood, and that we should plan one for ourselves in the future.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

MrNobody said:


> I get that it's a special occasion, turning 40 for both of them, but I feel left out that she wouldn't want to spend that milestone with me.


I actually agree with you. I look at separate vacations as somewhat unhealthily to begin with. My wife went on a vacation once without me but it was because I had to work and she was taking the kids with her. However getting left at home to watch the kids while my wife goes off somewhere exotic with a friend is not something I would enjoy either. I don't think I'd put up with that.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Your feelings are normal and she will be home before you know it!! They are both turning 40 so what a fun way to spend it! My parents were in Florida for a month and I have a friend in another part of Florida posting sunny beach pics... Really wish I was there. Start thinking about where you would like to go?


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

When I was married, I had to spend a lot of time away from my family, so when I was home I wanted to be with them. If my XWW had wanted to do something like this, it would have driven me completely nuts but I would not have stopped her. I probably would have kept my feelings to myself.

PS. We only ever had "our money", never his and hers. I know that is what people do today but it's a foreign concept to me as a married man.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

MrNobody said:


> No, I would never tell her not to do something. I told her after she did that I was jealous. She said she understood, and that we should plan one for ourselves in the future.


There is a huge difference between talking to her about how you feel and telling her what do or not do.

If, when she mentioned in it in the beginning, you had said something along the lines of "Honey, I would really like for our first big vacation out of the country to be together and I would like to be with you to celebrate your 40th birthday," you would have been stating your feelings without telling her what to do. Just nodding along and yes-yessing her until the deal is done is no way to communicate. She may have gone anyway, and then you would have had, in my opinion, a legit issue with her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There is no two ways about this - she acted selfishly.

This is a milestone she should have spent with you - not a friend!

This is a trip she should have taken with you - not a friend!

I don't know if she was always like this, but she is definitely thinking of herself first.

Now onto this friend - is this a very old (and good) friend of hers ? Is the friend married with kids and did she leave her husband with the kids behind too ? She might not be a friend of your marriage so to speak in encouraging this.

You should let he know that you believe she acted selfishly for the reasons given. You sound that you are afraid to "deny" her anything - why ?


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> There is no two ways about this - she acted selfishly.
> 
> This is a milestone she should have spent with you - not a friend!
> 
> ...


Yes, her best friend of 22 years, maid of honor at our wedding. The friend also left her husband at home with their six and one year old.

They are not there to cheat, I'm 100% confident in that.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

I should note that the birthday was two months ago, and we did have our own special night out for it, but nothing like this.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Its healthy for you two to get away and do your own things from time to time. It is also health that you wish you could be with her and you miss her. Being jealous is normal in this situation I would think. I don't know how healthy that is, but it is certainly normal and understandable.

I don't really see an issue personally. But I would be a huge hypocrite if I did. Not eveyones marriage is the same. You guys already take vacations without each other, she is just taking a longer one than normal for a big occasion. If she has a close friend and they are both turning 40, I don't know that I would want to be there with them anyway. I certainly don't like it when I'm with my boys and someone brings their girl. It changes the dynamic. We cant just cut loose and talk trash and sports and women and make rude comments in the same way. When my wife is out with her girlfriends, I don't want to be there. I think its a little rude, changes the dynamic of their outing. 

In your shoes, I would recommend doing stuff with the kids you know she wouldn't be interested in. It will help cure the jealousy bug. Theme parks are opening on weekends now. Hockey is in full swing and getting interesting. Take them out fishing, rent a boat. Do something you like with the kids that you normally wouldn't do because you know your wife wouldn't like it so much. Pig out on pizza and ice cream and be a slob. You can have your own type of staycation in terms of cutting a little loose yourself at home. 

For example my wife just left town this morning and wont be back until late Saturday for a training. But she will do some fun stuff in a city we both love and is with friends and coworkers. I could get jealous, but instead I'm taking the kids to grandparents house tomorrow night (they always spend the night there fridays) and im gonna go get extremely trashed with some buddies and stay out till 4am most likely. Have a good old fashion Hangover (movie) type night. Why not? 

So yeah, go have your own fun and cut loose at bit. Or sit around and drown yourself in jealousy. Seems like an easy choice to make.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its healthy for you two to get away and do your own things from time to time. It is also health that you wish you could be with her and you miss her. Being jealous is normal in this situation I would think. I don't know how healthy that is, but it is certainly normal and understandable.
> 
> I don't really see an issue personally. But I would be a huge hypocrite if I did. Not eveyones marriage is the same. You guys already take vacations without each other, she is just taking a longer one than normal for a big occasion. If she has a close friend and they are both turning 40, I don't know that I would want to be there with them anyway. I certainly don't like it when I'm with my boys and someone brings their girl. It changes the dynamic. We cant just cut loose and talk trash and sports and women and make rude comments in the same way. When my wife is out with her girlfriends, I don't want to be there. I think its a little rude, changes the dynamic of their outing.
> 
> ...


I do all those things, although I have no outlet to drop off the kids. I've never had a problem with anything like this before ever. It's just THIS trip that has rubbed me the wrong way for the reasons I stated.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I can see why it rubs you the wrong way. You didn't get married to watch your wife take a 5 day Carribbean celebratory vacation with someone else, when you two have never done anything like this together. That last part is key.

Is there a friend you can plan a vacation like this with? You do on your own 5 day tropical vacation while she watches the kids, next.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

Cromer said:


> When I was married, I had to spend a lot of time away from my family, so when I was home I wanted to be with them. If my XWW had wanted to do something like this, it would have driven me completely nuts but I would not have stopped her. I probably would have kept my feelings to myself.
> 
> PS. We only ever had "our money", never his and hers. I know that is what people do today but it's a foreign concept to me as a married man.


We have a joint account, but we also keep separate "funny" money accounts to spend on stuff unrelated to bills and kids, like hobbies and trips.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I can see why it rubs you the wrong way. You didn't get married to watch your wife take a 5 day Carribbean celebratory vacation with someone else, when you two have never done anything like this together. That last part is key.
> 
> Is there a friend you can plan a vacation like this with? You do on your own 5 day tropical vacation while she watches the kids, next.


Yes, and I could. In fact, I'm heading out on a weekend away with some friends in a few weeks, but again, nothing like this...

That said, it's not a tit for tat thing rather than I just had my feelings hurt from being left out of a big trip like this, not that I'd want to go with them but rather that it was her and I doing it alone.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MrNobody said:


> They are not there to cheat, I'm 100% confident in that.


Advance Projection Warning ... I thought the same thing when my W took an extremely similar girls only vacation at 42. She now knows that she has lost that privilege forever, because that trip is exactly why I found out about internet infidelity forums. She is also permanent NO CONTACT with both of her former travelling companions. NOTHING good comes out of middle aged women going on girls only vacations to tropical resort locations. You may trust your W, but don't ever underestimate the predators at these resorts looking for just this type situation, and they assume that if the women are there alone, their M's are not that strong ... and most date rape drugs can be bought over the counter in the Caribbean countries.

At the very least call or text her to NOT take any drink she didn't watch the bartender make, nor leave her drink alone to go to the restroom, swim, etc.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

MyRevelation said:


> Advance Projection Warning ... I thought the same thing when my W took an extremely similar girls only vacation at 42. She now knows that she has lost that privilege forever, because that trip is exactly why I found out about internet infidelity forums. NOTHING good comes out of middle aged women going on girls only vacations to tropical resort locations. You may trust your W, but don't ever underestimate the predators at these resorts looking for just this type situation, and they assume that if the women are there alone, their M's are not that strong ... and most date rape drugs can be bought over the counter in the Caribbean countries.
> 
> At the very least call or text her to NOT take any drink she didn't watch the bartender make, nor leave her drink alone to go to the restroom, etc.


I have told her that.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Maid of honor at your wedding and 22 year best friend. Once in a lifetime opportunity with that friend and a great bonding moment for both of them. Turning 40 is a big deal to some people. A lot of people in fact. She gets to share that with someone who is probably feeling what she is feeling about the big 4 0. 

Not saying I wouldn't be jealous, I'm just saying I would probably be a little more understanding and supportive. I'm guessing they were best friends before you guys met? This would be a dumb one to start a fight over imo. Try and do stuff to get over everything. You would be a complete jerk to ruin this for her over your jealousy. Put on a face and fake it till you make it if you have to. 

Plan something like this for your anniversary. Pool your money and go big with it. You can start looking today even. Planning vacations usually gets me excited. I do that when I'm bummed at work and feeling that old familiar feeling of being stuck in the grind of daily routines.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

MrNobody said:


> We have a joint account, but we also keep separate "funny" money accounts to spend on stuff unrelated to bills and kids, like hobbies and trips.


Understandable.

My XWW specifically didn't want separate accounts, even though she had been working and making good money when we married, and worked on and off for a number of years (part-time mostly). I remember her joking that it made it "too easy for me to leave." Ya, that worked out. In the end, the lawyers figured out what was "my" money and "her" money.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Maid of honor at your wedding and 22 year best friend. Once in a lifetime opportunity with that friend and a great bonding moment for both of them. Turning 40 is a big deal to some people. A lot of people in fact. She gets to share that with someone who is probably feeling what she is feeling about the big 4 0.
> 
> Not saying I wouldn't be jealous, I'm just saying I would probably be a little more understanding and supportive. I'm guessing they were best friends before you guys met? This would be a dumb one to start a fight over imo. Try and do stuff to get over everything. You would be a complete jerk to ruin this for her over your jealousy. Put on a face and fake it till you make it if you have to.
> 
> Plan something like this for your anniversary. Pool your money and go big with it. You can start looking today even. Planning vacations usually gets me excited. I do that when I'm bummed at work and feeling that old familiar feeling of being stuck in the grind of daily routines.


Putting on a happy face and faking it until I make it is what I'm doing. She's been sending me lots of pics and face timing with me and the kids. It's been hard but I don't want to ruin it for her.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

OP-

You weren't honest with your wife about how you felt about this when she made the plans with her friend, and therefore it would be unfair to penalize her for not responding to what she doesn't know. You can be honest that you missed her greatly and that you wished it was you and her on vacation together. But do so without condemnation and be intentional in how you make these types of decisions in the future.

May I suggest looking at marriagebuilders.com and reading about he Policy of Joint Agreement. It could have prompted you and your wife to be able to make plans that both you and she agree upon.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sdrawkcab said:


> OP-
> 
> You weren't honest with your wife about how you felt about this when she made the plans with her friend, and therefore it would be unfair to penalize her for not responding to what she doesn't know. You can be honest that you missed her greatly and that you wished it was you and her on vacation together. But do so without condemnation and be intentional in how you make these types of decisions in the future.
> 
> May I suggest looking at marriagebuilders.com and reading about he Policy of Joint Agreement. It could have prompted you and your wife to be able to make plans that both you and she agree upon.


i don't think she has done anything wrong, this is more about dealing with my feelings dealing with it.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

And I just want to say, we've been together 17 years, married for ten, parents for six now..... this is the first time this issue has ever arisen.

She has been a great wife and great mother, and works very hard.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

It can feel so difficult to be honest with our significant other when we have negative emotions around something. We minimize, rationalize, or sometimes project our feelings instead of facing them head on. We tell ourselves that if we are honest about how we feel it may come across either as weak (needy) or controlling. 

This is the tough part of communication...giving the other person the opportunity to treat your concerns with respect rather than with scorn. You really have a great opportunity here to let your wife get to know you and "see" you in this...

Welcome her home with love. Tell her you are happy that she had time to hang out with a friend...to escape the mundane the real life can give some times. But you can also tell her how you missed her, how you struggled with jealousy/resentment about her being on a "long" far away trip and you remained here. But that it stems from not being honest with yourself and her before. That you value her and your time together and want to be able to share in the next adventure together.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sdrawkcab said:


> It can feel so difficult to be honest with our significant other when we have negative emotions around something. We minimize, rationalize, or sometimes project our feelings instead of facing them head on. We tell ourselves that if we are honest about how we feel it may come across either as weak (needy) or controlling.
> 
> This is the tough part of communication...giving the other person the opportunity to treat your concerns with respect rather than with scorn. You really have a great opportunity here to let your wife get to know you and "see" you in this...
> 
> Welcome her home with love. Tell her you are happy that she had time to hang out with a friend...to escape the mundane the real life can give some times. But you can also tell her how you missed her, how you struggled with jealousy/resentment about her being on a "long" far away trip and you remained here. But that it stems from not being honest with yourself and her before. That you value her and your time together and want to be able to share in the next adventure together.


We have had this conversation, she understands my jealousy, and doesn't hold it against me. She told me before she left she considers this a scouting exercise of sorts so that we can plan one together.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

It sounds like you and your wife are on a good path...together


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd be a little unhappy, too, I think, but would get over it. In the larger scheme of things, it isn't a big deal. If your relationship was on the rocks, then I'd have deeper concerns, in that you should be spending the time together to work on it. However, it doesn't seem like that is a problem here.

This is a little different scenario, but my wife decided she needed to take an intensive course to further her career, but it would involve going to another country for three months to obtain the training and certification (or waiting a year to do so closer to home). She stayed with family for most of it. We agreed that this was a good career move, but we both hated the idea of being apart for so long. We did it anyway, and it worked out fine. Life is compromise, and sometimes you have to (or want to, or need to) do your own thing. Letting each other do so is healthy for a relationship, in most cases.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrNobody said:


> Long story short, my wife and her best friend decided to plan a Caribbean Vacation to celebrate their 40th birthdays. They are there now, at an all inclusive resort. My wife paid for the trip herself, not using our joint account. I'm left at home to take care of our six and three year old, and work.
> 
> We have always allowed each other space and trips with our friends, but usually just a night or two away, the occasional long weekend.... but this trip was expensive, and she's gone five days starting yesterday.
> 
> I'm jealous and bitter as hell, mainly because we ourselves have never taken a trip of this expense or magnitude. I'm trying to put on a happy face but like I said, I'm just really bummed she'd take an adventure like this without me. Neither of us has been out of the country before. Yes, I know it's irrational.


Nope. Not irrational at all. 5 days away sans kids, husband and any responsibilities. Ain't that a sweet deal. Now, I'm all for a get away to regroup. A weekend with a girlfriend(s). That sort of thing. Five days in the tropics does not really sit well for me. Specifically on a milestone of a birthday. More so because you were not part of the equation. It as a friend. WTH?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrNobody said:


> We have had this conversation, she understands my jealousy, and doesn't hold it against me. She told me before she left she considers this a scouting exercise of sorts so that we can plan one together.


Tell you W you want to scout out all of Europe so you can plan a trip together. I don't buy the scouting out. But that is just me.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MrNobody said:


> i don't think she has done anything wrong, this is more about dealing with my feelings dealing with it.


Yes, but you weren't honest about it. Irrespective even if you had said something, she still would have gone and you'd be stewing at home knowing she knows how you feel. I also think she knows you well enough, which is why she's sending you the pics and such.

Only way to right this is to plan your own fellas week away somewhere exotic. Fair is fair, what's good for the goose and all that jazz.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Tell you W you want to scout out all of Europe so you can plan a trip together. I don't buy the scouting out. But that is just me.


I second this. She gets to go on a trip then to top it off she says you can both go on another trip another time. Sounds like babying placation to me.

Again hush up, keep schtum, plan your own outing then pop in on her, here take care of the kids, I'll be gone for a week.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> Yes, but you weren't honest about it. Irrespective even if you had said something, she still would have gone and you'd be stewing at home knowing she knows how you feel. I also think she knows you well enough, which is why she's sending you the pics and such.
> 
> Only way to right this is to plan your own fellas week away somewhere exotic. Fair is fair, what's good for the goose and all that jazz.


I'm not sold on the OP planning a fellas week. This should be an event to dictate forthcoming events. In short, no trips of this nature without each other. It is not how H/W conduct a marriage. As I have posted, a weekend away with the girlfriend(s). OP can do a weekend with his buds. These I can support. I can not support 5 days in the tropics on a milestone birthday or any regular day for that matter. But again, that is just me.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Goose/Gander...really?!!

How is this divisive thinking really going to help the relationship?? 

From my understanding, the OP did not express any discontent to his wife's trip until after the plans were all set. Why such vilification of this wife for taking this separate trip?

This does not have to become a mountain of an issue.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sdrawkcab said:


> Goose/Gander...really?!!
> 
> How is this divisive thinking really going to help the relationship??
> 
> ...


Big yes on this. OP, do not ruin the trip for your W with what is going on inside your head. Be happy. Comment on the pictures. Let her know you are glad she is having fun. If you ruin this for your W she will have resentment over it. 

In my gut, I feel your W will return after 5 days and truly think/feel that the trip without you was a mistake. Your W will look to make up for it in some way. Further, you have watched the entire ranch for her trip. That counts for something in my book. But then again, I'm an optimist. 

Just smile and tell your W have a good time. Glad she is enjoying it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> There is a huge difference between talking to her about how you feel and telling her what do or not do.
> 
> If, when she mentioned in it in the beginning, you had said something along the lines of "Honey, I would really like for our first big vacation out of the country to be together and I would like to be with you to celebrate your 40th birthday," you would have been stating your feelings without telling her what to do. Just nodding along and yes-yessing her until the deal is done is no way to communicate. She may have gone anyway, and then you would have had, in my opinion, a legit issue with her.


^^^ This. :smthumbup:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrNobody said:


> Putting on a happy face and faking it until I make it is what I'm doing. She's been sending me lots of pics and face timing with me and the kids. It's been hard but I don't want to ruin it for her.


That's all you CAN DO. YOu're not going to make a fuss and divorce her over it. YOu're not going to know if she did cheat on this trip. 

Thing is, why is your wife not wanting to spend the trip with YOU? Why is it about girl friends (although spending time with girlfriends isn't inherently wrong) If she's facetiming you and sending you pics, you're on her mind..... That's a positive thing.

She could be doing absolutely nothing wrong, other than ditching you for a week and going on an expensive trip without you and disregarding your feelings.... if you voiced them.

You've got to learn to speak up when something bothers you, on the spot, learn to stand up for YOUR feelings, and learn to communicate effectively.
Your wife will respect behavior that is not highly emotional and matter-of-fact. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, your feelings count. If she is willing to totally disrespect you, then you have a problem. If she works with you, you don't.
Pretty simple.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> That's all you CAN DO. YOu're not going to make a fuss and divorce her over it. YOu're not going to know if she did cheat on this trip.
> 
> Thing is, why is your wife not wanting to spend the trip with YOU? Why is it about girl friends (although spending time with girlfriends isn't inherently wrong) If she's facetiming you and sending you pics, you're on her mind..... That's a positive thing.
> 
> ...


Well Said!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Couple quick questions. They are both celebrating birthdays correct? How far apart are their birthdays? If 4 days apart, then maybe a 5 day trip was necessary for them to both celebrate? Do their birthdays both fall within the vacation period?

You said all inclusive resort correct? Does that particular resort offer certain packages, like say a 3 and 5 day package? Could the amount of days have something to do with the packages offered by a travel agent or the resort itself? 

There could very well be a smart reason to do a five day trip instead of a weekend trip. Is it cheaper? I never go to Vegas on the weekends because it is 3 times the price for hotels. I can go Sunday-Thursday for less than the price of Friday-Sunday for example. Plus all the other perks of being there at a less busy time. 

In terms of communication, you can voice your opinions, but I think it is a little unfair to call anyone selfish in this situation. She is either selfish for having gone, or you are selfish for preventing her from going with her 22 year bff for your own reasons. This to me has nothing to do with selfishness from either of you guys imo.

Good by you for faking it until you make it. That is all you can do and just take this one on the chin like a champ. Surely she has and will do the same type of thing for you.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

@MrNobody - I am reading this thread. I've also read your prior thread which is here:

MrNobody's prior thread


Taken together, one would opine that you are not a priority in your wife's life. That was your ultimate conclusion in your prior thread. The present thread is just a continuation of that conclusion and confirmation that it is true. In your mind she is number 1 but you are 89th on her list of important things.

The first thing you need to do is communicate what you feel. Tell her outright.

There are ways to shake this up which is beyond this thread and they are very difficult to do but perhaps necessary if you want a whole marriage. Paging @farsidejunky.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Couple quick questions. They are both celebrating birthdays correct? How far apart are their birthdays? If 4 days apart, then maybe a 5 day trip was necessary for them to both celebrate? Do their birthdays both fall within the vacation period?
> 
> You said all inclusive resort correct? Does that particular resort offer certain packages, like say a 3 and 5 day package? Could the amount of days have something to do with the packages offered by a travel agent or the resort itself?
> 
> ...


I think OP said the birthdays were a couple of months ago!!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I have read your prior post and agree that your wife
may not view you as priority number one. You need 
to tell her how you feel (REALLY FEEL) or this type of
behavior(PROBLEM) will only continue. If you truly
feel that she does not see you as priority number 
one, the way you see her TELL HER!!.
If this is truly a problem you have two ways to handle it.
One simply ignore it and pretend to be happy.
I can tell you are not.
Two tell her how you feel and that when she returns you 
and her need to talk about a lot more. Do not be afraid of
making her upset, you have every right to be happy 
in your life, relationship just as she does. 
You can decide how you want to react next
face time or wait until she returns to talk.
But if you do not say what you feel she will 
keep doing these things. Marriage is 50/50
give and take. If you are doing all of the 
giving and not speaking up she will do all of 
the taking. Hope you can work things out.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

Couple of clarifications:

1. In regards to my last post, I can tell you we have come a long way and I have told her exactly how I felt. I didn't tell her I would leave, but I did say that if she wants to live like roommates we can make that official. We have had several strong, strong conversations since then and she has been working hard to improve how she treats me, and it shows. I wouldn't say this is resolved, but rather a work in progress that makes this thread a separate sort of issue unrelated to the first. I know some of you won't believe that, but trust me, there have been many changes made since my last post. Positive changes.

2. In regards to their birthday, they actually share a birthday. They were both born on A certain holiday, which is unique and part of what bonds them I guess. They never get to celebrate their birthday with each other, and that was part of the reason for this trip. Obviously they weren't going to ditch us (their families) over that holiday time period.

3. As far as the travel itself, well, 5 days might be a little strong. They left yesterday at 3am. They get back Sunday morning at 1am. So technically, it's only two full days and nights there (today and tomorrow), although they got there at lunchtime yesterday and had the whole day, and they don't leave until evening on Saturday. When I say five days, for me, that is my part in having the kids for five straight days.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If there has been progress then why are you upset?
I may have misunderstood your OP but it sounded
like she did this trip because you felt she was being
selfish and thinking only about herself and disregarding
your feelings. If this is the case then how much progress
have you really made? You really need to tell her how
you feel about things, If my wife does something 
that upsets me (she has) then I tell her quickly.
She tells me as well ( Communication) is important 
in a relationship. You could always delete the pics 
and tell that it was something you felt her and you 
should have done together. Then tell her never to 
mention it again if it upsets you that much.
This thou would no doubt be mean and upset her
so what are you going to do about how you truly 
feel? I do not suggest deleting the pics I do suggest
better communication between the two of you,
UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO BE MEAN


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sa58 said:


> If there has been progress then why are you upset?
> I may have misunderstood your OP but it sounded
> like she did this trip because you felt she was being
> selfish and thinking only about herself and disregarding
> ...


I never said she was being selfish. I've said that trips away from each other with friends isn't abnormal. It was just the magnitude of this particular trip that bugged me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You sabotaged yourself in a couple of crucial ways when you chose not to voice your opposition early.

Why do you fear confrontation with your wife?

This one factor leads me to make all sorts of assumptions that I'm trying not to make... mostly about you.

Oh, and the 'scouting' comment? Bovine excrement. I hope you know that.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> You sabotaged yourself in a couple of crucial ways when you chose not to voice your opposition early.
> 
> Why do you fear confrontation with your wife?
> 
> ...


I don't oppose the trip. I'm jealous of it, admittedly irrationally. She has done nothing wrong.

You're a little aggressive, I think it's hard to get a psychological breakdown from a couple of snapshots on a MB. I do not fear confrontation with my wife.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Then I must have been mistaken. 
I am sorry for If I offended you
But again you have to tell her!!
tell her!!
Do not fear upsetting her or an argument.

IF YOU DO NOT STAND UP WELL THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.
I do think thou the pictures and scouting comment is kind of
rubbing it in your face just a little bit. Then again I may be wrong.
I hope not.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MrNobody said:


> I don't oppose the trip. I'm jealous of it, admittedly irrationally. She has done nothing wrong.
> 
> You're a little aggressive, I think it's hard to get a psychological breakdown from a couple of snapshots on a MB. I do not fear confrontation with my wife.


Maybe so.

And the Scouting bit?


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sa58 said:


> Then I must have been mistaken.
> I am sorry for If I offended you
> But again you have to tell her!!
> tell her!!
> ...


I did tell her. She told me about the trip. I am not one to tell my wife what she can and can't do and vice versa. That's our marriage of ten years and relationship of 17. I did tell her I was jealous and had hurt feelings, and why. She acknowledged them and said she understood why I felt that way, and that we would plan a trip for the two of us based on that conversation.

Aside from becoming what I perceived to be a lower priority since the kids came, the marriage has been pretty great. We've been working on the priority thing and positive results have been happening since.

PS: I wasn't offended! I can take the heat.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe so.
> 
> And the Scouting bit?


The scouting bit was in a note she left me that I didn't find until after she left, telling me what and incredible husband and dad I was, and that my sacrifice for her to go on this trip was incredible, and that she was so lucky to know that I make her life so easy and happy that she can do something like this and have full confidence that she can be away with the knowledge that our kids are so well taken care of.

The scouting bit was PS on that note. When I had voiced my jealously a few weeks before the trip, and she said she wanted to do this with me, is where it originated from. Since neither of us had done a trip like this before, she felt doing it would make it better the next time when we went, sort of learning from the experience.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

MrNobody said:


> No, I would never tell her not to do something. I told her after she did that I was jealous. She said she understood, and that we should plan one for ourselves in the future.


It's one thing to forbid her to go, and another to say you don't like being stuck w/ the kids for that long, that the two of you should devote your biggest vacations to each other, etc.

But you didn't say those things, and now it's too late. Be happy for her, and the next time say what's on your mind.

I am a lot less jealous than most people on this site, and I think it is important to have friends other than your spouse. I read a good article recently that says people w/ good friendships are usually happier spouses.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> It's one thing to forbid her to go, and another to say you don't like being stuck w/ the kids for that long, that the two of you should devote your biggest vacations to each other, etc.
> 
> But you didn't say those things, and now it's too late. Be happy for her, and the next time say what's on your mind.
> 
> I am a lot less jealous than most people on this site, and I think it is important to have friends other than your spouse. I read a good article recently that says people w/ good friendships are usually happier spouses.


Ageed. We have since talked the whole thing out, but that doesn't change my bitterness in the moment, even though I've already admitted it and discussed it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

The things said in a note I think should 
have been said face to face. I have been married 
for 30+ years and me and my wife discuss things like
this face to face. I do not nor ever will try and control 
what my wife does. We together work on things as a couple.
We know how each other feel about everything that affects
us both. I say again based on your op and prior op communication
is important. 
GRAB THEM OR GROW THEM say what you think and feel.
My son and his ex use to do the same thing you are .
She started going out after work for drinks with her friend.
She worked hard to.
HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING!!
She had a PA and then he divorced her..
Work on the priority thing more, after all you never know!


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sa58 said:


> The things said in a note I think should
> have been said face to face. I have been married
> for 30+ years and me and my wife discuss things like
> this face to face. I do not nor ever will try and control
> ...


Sorry that happened to your son. Like I said, this is not new behavior... This is just a little more than has ever been done before, due to the milestone birthday, that's all.

As far as the note, she has said those things to me in person. Repeatedly. I think @farsidejunky is right about a lot of this being my problem. My insecurity, a touch of a midlife crisis, and some childhood issues that are bubbling to the surface. But I'm reading and trying to stay in front of it.

I appreciate all responses.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

From my sons experience and other friends
and relatives and people I have meet all over the
world I can give you this advice. Women do not like 
MR. NICE GUY- They walk all over them.
They do not like the controlling man either
There is a thin line you must walk between the two.
If you are just truly jealous of her trip then let it go
for now and continue to work on your marriage.
Do not get into a tit for tat type of situation.
Do not think if she can do this then I can to.
May be when she turns 50 you two can do a European 
trip together, I lived there for three years.
You will love it.


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## MrNobody (Oct 30, 2017)

sa58 said:


> From my sons experience and other friends
> and relatives and people I have meet all over the
> world I can give you this advice. Women do not like
> MR. NICE GUY- They walk all over them.
> ...


It is indeed a very thin line, very fine, very nuanced.

I'm trying to be the best person I can be. Best husband, father, friend, and person. That's what I'm constantly working on.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Did she buy the tickets first without asking you?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@MrNobody Did she go for Carnival? That would definitely make me super jealous. Str8 bachanal everywhere round these times!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MrNobody said:


> My wife paid for the trip herself, not using our joint account.
> 
> but this trip was expensive, and she's gone five days starting yesterday.
> 
> I'm jealous and bitter as hell, mainly because we ourselves have never taken a trip of this expense or magnitude. I'm trying to put on a happy face but like I said, I'm just really bummed she'd take an adventure like this without me. Neither of us has been out of the country before. Yes, I know it's irrational.


How did she get the money she used? Do you get the same amount of money to do with as you please?

Could you have saved yours and planned and paid for a trip for the two of you *before* her trip with her GF? If you never brought it up until you heard she had plans to go somewhere for her 40th, and you could have had the funds, but spent them on your own stuff, then you have no right to be upset about how expensive it is or that she went alone.



MrNobody said:


> I get that it's a special occasion, turning 40 for both of them, but I feel left out that she wouldn't want to spend that milestone with me.


If you felt that way, why didn't you start planning for her 40th years ago, and let her know that you had something special planned? Most women would leave a date open and be very excited if they knew their husband had something special planned for them....as long as he had proven good to his word.

If you never saved $, talked about it, or planned a trip with her, why should she even think you would be interested in travelling abroad with her?



MrNobody said:


> No, I would never tell her not to do something. I told her after she did that I was* jealous.* She said she understood, and that we should plan one for ourselves in the future.


Jealous of what exactly? Jealous that she saved up to go somewhere really fun? Jealous of her girl friend? Jealous that she plans ahead for herself and you don't have that discipline or forsight?



Yeswecan said:


> In my gut, I feel your W will return after 5 days and truly think/feel that the trip without you was a mistake. Your W *will look to make up for it in some way*. Further, you have watched the entire ranch for her trip. That counts for something in my book. But then again, I'm an optimist.


I think you mean......sex? (I learned that about men from reading her on TAM > )



Evinrude58 said:


> That's all you CAN DO. YOu're not going to make a fuss and divorce her over it. *YOu're not going to know if she did cheat on this trip.*


So now she might be cheating????




Evinrude58 said:


> Thing is, *why is your wife not wanting to spend the trip with YOU? * Why is it about girl friends (although spending time with girlfriends isn't inherently wrong)
> 
> She could be doing absolutely nothing wrong, *other than ditching you for a week and going on an expensive trip without you and disregarding your feelings.... if you voiced them.*


It isn't that she didn't *want* to spend the trip with him. He didn't tell her he wanted to take a trip with her until *after* she had already planned the one with her life long girl friend. Had he planned a trip for her 40th before she planned it for herself, I can promise you that she would have gone with him, and planned something else (probably shorter) with her girl friend. He showed no initiative in planning an out of country trip, and now he is bothered that she took the reins of her own life by planning it herself. 

She didn't disregard his feeling. He just told her was jealous. She shouldn't have changed her plans for a jealous person. She told him that she understood his jealousy, and sweetly told him that she'd go on a trip with him at another time. She has done nothing wrong.



Evinrude58 said:


> You've got to learn to speak up when something bothers you, on the spot, learn to stand up for YOUR feelings, and learn to communicate effectively.
> Your wife will respect behavior that is not highly emotional and matter-of-fact. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, your feelings count. If she is willing to totally disrespect you, then you have a problem. If she works with you, you don't.
> Pretty simple.


The key to every healthy marriage.

ETA: I'm not advocating spouses taking separate vacations by my responses. My responses are framed around Mr. Nobody and his wife's norms. Personally, I'd feel uncomfortable (guilty?) leaving my young family and going on a vacation with a girl friend.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

MrNobody said:


> Long story short, my wife and her best friend decided to plan a Caribbean Vacation to celebrate their 40th birthdays. They are there now, at an all inclusive resort. My wife paid for the trip herself, not using our joint account. I'm left at home to take care of our six and three year old, and work.
> 
> We have always allowed each other space and trips with our friends, but usually just a night or two away, the occasional long weekend.... but this trip was expensive, and she's gone five days starting yesterday.
> 
> I'm jealous and bitter as hell, mainly because we ourselves have never taken a trip of this expense or magnitude. I'm trying to put on a happy face but like I said, I'm just really bummed she'd take an adventure like this without me. Neither of us has been out of the country before. Yes, I know it's irrational.


I'm all about time away from each other but the Caribbean oh no. I would be upset with that


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its healthy for you two to get away and do your own things from time to time. It is also health that you wish you could be with her and you miss her. Being jealous is normal in this situation I would think. I don't know how healthy that is, but it is certainly normal and understandable.
> 
> I don't really see an issue personally. But I would be a huge hypocrite if I did. Not eveyones marriage is the same. You guys already take vacations without each other, she is just taking a longer one than normal for a big occasion. If she has a close friend and they are both turning 40, I don't know that I would want to be there with them anyway. I certainly don't like it when I'm with my boys and someone brings their girl. It changes the dynamic. We cant just cut loose and talk trash and sports and women and make rude comments in the same way. When my wife is out with her girlfriends, I don't want to be there. I think its a little rude, changes the dynamic of their outing.
> 
> ...


Yes but did your wife go on a holiday with a friend to a place that you wanted to go to given that neither of you have ever been there ? 

Did your wife travel out of the country with her friend given that neither of you has been out of the country and it was something you wanted to do together for the first time ?


Having fun with your boys and her having fun with her girls when they are away or even when on work trips is fine but this is not the same - this is a case of its my 40th, its my friend, lets forget about what Mr. Nobody wants as it is all about me.

And then I am wired differently - if it was a big birthday and a trip to this place is what I wanted, the first person I would want to go with would be my wife not a friend (even if a friend suggested it in the first place).

Selfishness!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MrNobody said:


> We have had this conversation, she understands my jealousy, and doesn't hold it against me. She told me before she left she considers this a scouting exercise of sorts so that we can plan one together.


That is a bull$h!t answer and you know it. And by the way, I did not say she is going there to cheat - just that she acted selfishly. However, married women alone (without husbands) at these resorts are easy prey for predators who are quite adept at getting their way in these places. Throw in exotic location, good weather, romantic setting, drinks and good looking fit men and you can have a recipe for disaster even if cheating was never the intention.

You are a good man and I can see that you treat your wife well. I have got to assume that your wife knew that the two of you have never been to this place, and it would have been something that you two would like to do together. I understand that neither of you had travelled abroad before. This is why I say this is selfish.

Others have said that she assumed you would not be interested in going since you did not book it in advance etc - that is all rubbish if she knew this is something you might want to do with her. So I would ignore all the spiel about why didn't you book it in advance etc - she should have replied her friend with this is something I think my husband would like to do with me for the first time - and what's more, if the friend knew this (which I am betting she probably did being such an old friend and all), she should have said the same so as not to cause friction in her friend's marriage.

Now, doing the same thing would be tit-for-tat and that is not always advisable. However, what better way to make your wife aware of the selfishness here. If she expresses concern, give her the same answers:

- maybe the two of you can plan the same trip in future.
- you are doing a sort of scouting trip for when you both go together.


Good luck and well done for keeping it under control and not ruining her trip. As I said, you are a good man and husband.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Is there a friend you can plan a vacation like this with? You do on your own 5 day tropical vacation while she watches the kids, next.


I suggest that he doesn't get into this tit for tat kind of marriage warfare, because it's kind of leads you down the wrong path. I think the OP should have said something ahead of time if it bothered him (as it would me), however since he didn't, IMO he should should talk it out with her when she gets back and take these kind of trips as a family in the future. If she's not up for that then maybe there is a bigger problem to deal with.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Combined with your other post I don't have a good feeling about this trip, at all.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

I suspect this incident cannot be taken in isolation. But that's all we have. So, taken in isolation:

You have sabotaged her trip. Punished her. By saying you had no problem with it beforehand, then whining about it as she left. That is cruel. 

Had you raised such a fuss in the first place she would have had the opportunity to either decline the trip or negotiate an amicable settlement. 

You are not being honest about claiming to be a husband that never tells your wife what to do. "I'm not really telling her what to do, I'm just sabotaging her vacation and laying this emotional guilt-trip on her". "I just get even". That's telling her what to do in an underhanded way. I have a hard time believing you've never done this before. (Hide your feelings about something, then spring them on her after-the-fact.)

Good on you for removing the "five day" exaggeration. But it is a sign of overstating things when you get emotional, to exaggerate in this way. 

Lastly, you've asked a deceptive question. (Am I wrong to feel this way). Counselors like to say that "feelings are facts". The right question is whether you managed this situation correctly, and the answer is a big "no". Hiding your feelings from someone and then springing those feelings on them after-the-fact is dirty pool. Generally I see this in people who want to have something they can use as a club against their spouse later. It isn't fair.

I make agreements with my wife on important matters beforehand. We write them on paper and sign them. Nobody can go back and claim the agreement was something else. Nobody can claim a misunderstanding. Nobody can use it against the other, doing something arbitrary like having sex with another person without an agreement.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Satya said:


> Combined with your other post I don't have a good feeling about this trip, at all.


I agree. I think opinions on this subject might be different if everyone read his other thread.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Absurdist said:


> @MrNobody - I am reading this thread. I've also read your prior thread which is here:
> 
> MrNobody's prior thread
> 
> ...


After reading this post, I'm even more wary of her motives or the possibility of bad acts occurring. IMHO, you are severely minimizing the ****storm that is swirling around you. Throw all those possibilities I mentioned in my previous post in with a lack of respect for H from W ... and you have a perfect storm to become a BH. In fact, her pulling this girls only vacation stunt is just more proof of her lack of respect for you.

This was a VERY BAD idea ... and you wussed out and didn't put your foot down, when it desperately needed to be.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MrNobody, I read your other thread too. 

Wake up dude. Just one snippet from your other thread: 

"she either doesn't want sex or she doesn't want it with me. She swears up and down and every which way that neither are true... that she loves me more than ever, that she's still attracted to me, that she's never given me any reason in 17 years to question her faithfulness which is true....
Yet here we are."

Yes, here you are in USA and she is in the Caribbean with her pal. 

You swear up and down your wife is incapable of betraying you. Well, she certainly does not respect you as much as you her. This holiday trip is one more piece of that lack of respect.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My DH would be none to pleased if I flipped sh!t after the fact for an activity with precedence as if I was supposed to read his mind on what he is thinking or feeling.


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## TrustInYourself (Mar 3, 2018)

Let that **** go. You're coming from a position of weakness, vulnerability. Let it go. Be happy for her...you'll have your time. Make the most of that, when it comes.


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## singleincome40yroldkid (Dec 15, 2014)

I can tell you that I am similar to your wife, in the fact that I am currently planning a 40th girls birthday trip with the possibility of 8 of us going. I think it may be a common thing, particularly if you and her haven’t gone anywhere (at all, or in a long time). I would recommend looking a few places that you and her should go to, to show her that you want to go away with the two of you. For her - it may make it easier and feel like it is something that will actually happen. I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship - but I can tell you many women feel burdened with having to organize everything (always...and yes on occasion, there are some dramatics there!). A girls trip can sometimes make this feel easier because there is someone to share the workload with/get involved in organizing/planning. I’m sure she would love to go away with you too!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with whoever said she would probably glad to go somewhere with you too! Mighty big of her! But you had better find somewhere that she hasn't been soon! Or else she will have visited all these places with other friends and you haven't yet been out of the country.

Mr. Nobody: Let's go abroad and visit a country outside of the USA!
Mrs. Nobody: Already done that! I have been out of the country - you better catch up!
Mr. Nobody: How about Mexico?
Mrs. Nobody: That is old news for me now.
Mr. Nobody: How about Europe?
Mrs. Nobody: Been there, done that!

Mrs. Nobody: By the way, thanks for minding the kids while I was gone. Can you handle them New Year's Eve too? There is this group of us girls who are dying to go see what New Year's Eve is like in Scotland!

Selfish, selfish, selfish!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Mr. Nobody/ According to your earlier post your wife should be back home by now. I hope you decided to let this thing
go. I all so hope that based on your other post and this one that you continue to work on your marriage. For some reason
however I get the feeling you will be back!!! Just a reminder MR. NICE GUY- gets walked over/ If you do not speak up,
well lets just say your wife or nobody else can not read your mind. BEST OF LUCK ON YOUR LIFE,AND MARRIAGE


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