# husband's high school reunion and em with old girlfriend



## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

I am so sad and confused today. My husband and I attended his high school reunion on Sat night and on the way home, I told him that his history with old girlfriend was something that I could not deal with anymore. 

Over the past 5 years, I know that he has been in touch with this woman via phone, email, etc. She lives 2 states away from us and he admits that he has met her a couple of times when she comes back to our area. (her hometown). A few years ago I found a b-day card from her saying..."Love You, Nuff Said" with an old highschool picture enclosed. A few years ago he went to see his brother in the same state that she lives in. I found a hotel reservation (for the same week part of that week) for 2 nights in mini-suite in a totally opposite direction of his brother's town.. near where she lives . I have held onto that hotel info for several years and never said anything about it.

I can't seem to let go of this and know that we have become very emotionally withdrawn from each other.

Last Sat night, after seeing her at the reunion, I decided to confront him with the hotel reservation. The minute I said the name of the hotel, there was COMPLETE SILENCE!!!! All the way home...not a word. That just seemed to answer my question of the relationship. Right before going to sleep, I said "I want to just go ahead and get this finished, because I don't think we can fix it". He did not respond that night, but was awake all night. The next morning he said "Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go." 

Before this I thought that maybe it was just an emotional affair and he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her. 

We have been married for 30 years, a high school couple and my only partner sexually. Our marriage has never been a "soulmate" type relationship but I love him very much. I know that I have alot of personal issues and he does too. We do not communicate well, very few shared interests, really kind of opposites. He's extrovert, I am introvert and a worrier with low self-esteem.

I am so confused about what to do from here. He will be home from a daytrip today and because of Thanksgiving with family around, this will be our first time to talk since last week-ends confrontation.

Can anybody help a crazy, mixed up, "old married" woman. We have so many issues in this relationship that have not been dealt with. Is it too late and too hard to fix ???? Many thanks for you help!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you think you can be with him going forward? 

If he was willing to stop all contact, and give complete transparency?

He has admitted indirectly to having cheated for at least 2 days with her.

Can you stay with him after knowing that?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You're probably near your 50s. There is still a lot of life that can be lived, a lot of things you wanted to do but did not.

I agree with Shaggy. You'll need to decide if you can live with what your husband has done.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I can't believe that I am actually dealing with this after 5 years of self-doubt.

Over the last 10 years we have both suffered many lossess: his dad was killed in auto accident, he was hit by drunk driver, lost a business, his brother was killed in auto accident, my dad died of cancer and our son went off to college. I don't think that we have have dealt with any of it!!

And now....I'm just LOST AND CONFUSED!!! I want to do the best thing for us.

Honesty is so important to me and I just don't think I can stay unless he is willing to admit to it and agree to go to counselling. He is a good man in many ways (giving, loving, always willing to help others) but also very, very non-confrontational and passive-aggressive, too. Maybe, in his way, he wants this split to happen.

At this point I feel that I am not ever going to believe that he will stop contact. I have lost ALL TRUST. He has kept other things from me, not related to women (that I know about) but money. He pretty much does what he wants when it comes to money and has his network of friends that he talks with. We are really not emotionally linked at all. 

And...he has been saying for years, that we have not had sex enough and that the marriage has been bad for him for 20 years because of that. There is a lot of resentment built up and I know that I am emotionally not there. It just makes me feel so sad that we have come to this.

On Sunday I stayed away from the house until about 6:00. When I came home and I asked him to tell me the truth about the hotel thing, he said, "That's your story and you have no idea what took place. I want to stay in our marriage and if we split up it will be up to you. You will have to make the decision to end it. " 

I really don't know if he was with her at that hotel. All that I have is a little piece of paper (that I found in his desk0 with the hotel name and reservation confirmation #...and that long silence going home. I think that he believes that I somehow found out about the hotel meeting at the reunion on Sat nite, because I had not EVER brought up the hotel before. So, he is just not going to blatantly admit to what happened. 

We have talked about his contact with her quite a few times over the past few years and he denies any kind of relationship with her, other than friendship.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

> Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go."


omfg.  just like that, no fight, or anything? 




> he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her.


what????!!



The first step in attempting to fix your marriage is his willingness to cut off ALL contact with her forever, and for him to send a NC letter immediately! if he's not even willing to do the first baby step, then Honey, I don't know what else to tell you.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

aug said:


> You're probably near your 50s. There is still a lot of life that can be lived, a lot of things you wanted to do but did not.
> 
> I agree with Shaggy. You'll need to decide if you can live with what your husband has done.


I think that it is extra hard for me to decide, because I know how emotionally distant I have been for so long. I want to take responsibility for my part in this crippled relationship. So, I have a hard time deciding how much of my failure as a wife is to blame for where we are now. And how much I should forgive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But he's not willing to end it, and ask for forgiveness. Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, he's asking your permission for whatevers going to continue, and for you to accept that. In the absence of his being open and honest with you on whatever that entails, are you willing to be in an open relationship? Where he's free to see this woman?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Stevie said:


> I think that it is extra hard for me to decide, because I know how emotionally distant I have been for so long. I want to take responsibility for my part in this crippled relationship. So, I have a hard time deciding how much of my failure as a wife is to blame for where we are now. And how much I should forgive.



Working on the marriage requires joint effort.

But the decision to cheat is all on your husband. It was his responsibility and decision alone. (Unless you gave approval in some form?)


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

PBear said:


> But he's not willing to end it, and ask for forgiveness. Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, he's asking your permission for whatevers going to continue, and for you to accept that. In the absence of his being open and honest with you on whatever that entails, are you willing to be in an open relationship? Where he's free to see this woman?
> 
> Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...
> 
> ...


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

aug said:


> Working on the marriage requires joint effort.
> 
> But the decision to cheat is all on your husband. It was his responsibility and decision alone. (Unless you gave approval in some form?)


Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> omfg.  just like that, no fight, or anything?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Stevie said:


> "That's your story and you have no idea what took place. I want to stay in our marriage and if we split up it will be up to you. You will have to make the decision to end it. "


This is a direct test of how much he feels he can control you over the situation... you need to not accept this answer, because his answer is attempting to pass all guilt to you (typical cheater). If that is 'your story' then he needs to set you strait. Granted, you shouldn't even accept his answer, but you should at least hear what he has to say. 

My wife tried pulling the same thing: Kept trying to play with the words of my story, refusing to ever use her own words to explain the situation. What she was doing was getting a feel for what I thought, and then using that knowledge to dampen the facts of what really happened. She also said that I had to pull the trigger when she knew she was in the wrong- I had to take the guilt because she already had too much to deal with. DO NOT accept these outcomes, because that is exactly what their guilty conscious wants you to do.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

avenrandom said:


> This is a direct test of how much he feels he can control you over the situation... you need to not accept this answer, because his answer is attempting to pass all guilt to you (typical cheater). If that is 'your story' then he needs to set you strait. Granted, you shouldn't even accept his answer, but you should at least hear what he has to say.
> 
> My wife tried pulling the same thing: Kept trying to play with the words of my story, refusing to ever use her own words to explain the situation. What she was doing was getting a feel for what I thought, and then using that knowledge to dampen the facts of what really happened. She also said that I had to pull the trigger when she knew she was in the wrong- I had to take the guilt because she already had too much to deal with. DO NOT accept these outcomes, because that is exactly what their guilty conscious wants you to do.


So, I guess we're pretty much starting a discussion that is already done....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Stevie said:


> Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...



Marriage counseling (MC) only works if both partners in the marriage are willing to work at it. It fails if one of the spouse has no intention to reconcile but is using the MC as a cover to further the affair.

Individual counseling for yourself may be helpful. A competent counselor is important, and dont hesitate to find a better one if need be.

So, you need to decide if you want to reconcile or not. Probably you should give yourself a little time to consider that. The same with your husband.

If neither wants to reconcile, then divorce is the way to go.

If there's to be reconciliation, your husband has to be open and disclose everything. That includes no hidden email accounts, facebook, cell phone(s), etc. You should have his passwords and free access to everything. Your husband should write a no-contact (NC) letter to the other woman (OW). He should write that and get your signoff. You then take that letter and mail it yourself.

You should have the OW's husband name and contact info. You should expose the affair to the OW husband -- but dont tell your husband you're doing that or else your husband and OW get time to spin a story to her husband to make you look like an idiot. This exposure also provides another set of eyes (her husband's) to monitor the affair.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tell him you want the marriage but you want honesty and commitment from him as well. For him to confirm his intent to work on the marriage he has to evidence his honesty thus you will be arranging a polygraph. Be prepared to do this once you mention it . Assume your husband will decline, unfortunately you will then have to decide , either continue as you are or make the affair hell and expose his adultery to his friends and family, track her family down and expose it as well. Do not warn them of what you are doing .

Be prepare to divorce if you have to , the only way your marriage will recover is if you push and fight the affair .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Stevie said:


> So, I guess we're pretty much starting a discussion that is already done....


I know it may seem like that (asking for an answer which you shouldn't accept), but unfortunately it's a necessary evil in most cases. Maybe that conversation will be the point where he tells you every detail of that night, but more than likely it will be an attempt to cover up what really happened. Even if you accept every word he says, down the line you may find yourself unresolved over the issue and bringing it back up. You've stated you held on to this information for "several years" - get ready to hold onto it for several more years unless you actually push to get answers. If you create your own answers... well, you are already there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stevie said:


> Can you guys help me know what to say when we sit down to talk this out? He will be home either tonight or tomorrow. Do you think that counselling would be worth a try? We have not had a chance to really get into this at length due to holidays and I want to make sure that I say what I need to say...


Counseling only works when the affair is over. He still in it.

Is she married? Can you contact her husband?


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Tell him you want the marriage but you want honesty and commitment from him as well. For him to confirm his intent to work on the marriage he has to evidence his honesty thus you will be arranging a polygraph. Be prepared to do this once you mention it . Assume your husband will decline, unfortunately you will then have to decide , either continue as you are or make the affair hell and expose his adultery to his friends and family, track her family down and expose it as well. Do not warn them of what you are doing .
> 
> Be prepare to divorce if you have to , the only way your marriage will recover is if you push and fight the affair .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for just "saying it like it is"! I'm 53 yrs. old and have never been with another man. Didn't even date much in high school. I feel broken because we have grown up together in alot ways and he is a good man in alot of ways. And, I feel as though I am still a baby when it comes to relationship maturity.

So tell me this, how much of what I've done wrong (not in the sense of affairs, but emotional withdrawal, control issues...should I think about when considering whether to go or to stay?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stevie said:


> Thank you for just "saying it like it is"! I'm 53 yrs. old and have never been with another man. Didn't even date much in high school. I feel broken because we have grown up together in alot ways and he is a good man in alot of ways. And, I feel as though I am still a baby when it comes to relationship maturity.
> 
> So tell me this, how much of what I've done wrong (not in the sense of affairs, but emotional withdrawal, control issues...should I think about when considering whether to go or to stay?


Problems within a marriage are between a husband and wife and are resolved by the couple. Your wayward husband has chosen to commit adultery, you had nothing to do with that nor are you responsable in any way for his behaviour . People in affairs will blame their spouses for driving them away, do not accept this if he tries to blame you . 

Waywards fear exposure , done correctly it drives a wedge between the waywards. If your husband leaves it is not due to the exposure , he would have left anyway .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your still a spring chicken and have plenty of years ahead of you. Your husband has been in an affair for a long while and it is going to be tough to break his link to the OW (other woman).

You will start to get emotional and may feel unwell physically , to see a doc for some meds and guidance . I suggest you start running the 180 , this is designed to protect you and help you through the time ahead :

( 180 as compiled by another TAM poster)

WARNING: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your spouse end his/her affair and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without your spouse. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

Stevie said:


> Thank you for just "saying it like it is"! I'm 53 yrs. old and have never been with another man.


he must thanks to the God.... to be with you.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Make sure you're ready to back-up the threat of leaving. Don't expose him without have serious consequences you're willing to live with. It's so easy for people outside of your marriage to advise you to leave, but in reality you have to be READY to leave and practice the 180 at the same time. it may hurt as hell but it's the only way you'll find out if he's in or out. If he opts for out, although it may devastate you, it's better to rip it off in one clean swoop than to have him behaving like this for years to come, just to end in divorce anyway. It really comes down to how strong you're going to be about this, and how strong you think you will be and how strong you actually are when the crap hits the fan are two different things. Good luck, honey, and please let us know how it goes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Stevie said:


> Thank you for just "saying it like it is"! I'm 53 yrs. old and have never been with another man. Didn't even date much in high school. I feel broken because we have grown up together in alot ways and he is a good man in alot of ways. And, I feel as though I am still a baby when it comes to relationship maturity.
> 
> So tell me this, how much of what I've done wrong (not in the sense of affairs, but emotional withdrawal, control issues...should I think about when considering whether to go or to stay?


You need to go to counseling before you make any big decisions. You have been emotionally distant he is unhappy with sex life etc. etc.

You have many questions that need answered and divorce isn't usually the best answer. After so many years you don't need to rush into anything, get help. Indvidual counseling AND marriage counseling.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

*You all will never know what a blessing you have been over these last few days!!!*

I sit here crying because the 180 list really brought things home. But, boy is it going to be hard!!! As I posted yesterday, he told me that I had to end this and tell our son, that he would not take responsibility for that. Last night I came to terms with the fact that I will not kick him out. I will kill him with my newfound self-confidence. I plan to start counselling next week with someone that my doctor has recommended to work on my personal issues (got som menopausal stuff kickin in and my self-esteem has been low all my life).

I have always been the traditional wife that takes blame for the trouble this marriage is in. He has told me for years that I had always wanted this marriage to end...maybe he's right. But, I know that I have truly tried to love him even in if wasn't good enough.

Well, you know what???? I am really becoming more confident and relieved that I have had my last days of snooping and doubting. My gut-burning has been going on for a long time and eating up my life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

About the OW- is she married? I know it sounds like revenge to contact her BF or Husband, but it's not. It's a way to expose the affair and take her away as someone he can continue to cheat with.

It makes her deal with the consequences of her choices.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

My husband had been on a pre-planned weekend hunting trip this week-end with his nephews. We had agreed to talk this morning about our marriage and possible divorce.

He came in this morning and did not ask me anything about our plans for the marriage. After about an hour of silence, I told him that he did not have to move out if he chose not too. That I would not be the one to "kick him out", he would have to make that move. (Like I said yesterday, he told me that I would have end this.)

He said that he loved me and wanted to stay very much. I asked him if he was ready to talk about his affair and the emotional ties he had to his old girlfriend.

He said, "I did not have an affair and I am not talking about it anymore." So, I very calmly stated that he could consider us separated from this point on and that we should separate our finances and put the house up for sale. 

He agreed and as he walked out of room, he asked if that was all that I had to say?

What happens now....

HOW WILL I EVER KNOW FOR SURE WHETHER HE HAS BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP...EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL??? 

I don't have any concrete evidence....Am I going to have to separate based on just my "gut"?

He ADAMENTLY SAYS HE HAS NOT HAD AN AFFAIR.....how to you deal with that?


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

chapparal said:


> You need to go to counseling before you make any big decisions. You have been emotionally distant he is unhappy with sex life etc. etc.
> 
> You have many questions that need answered and divorce isn't usually the best answer. After so many years you don't need to rush into anything, get help. Indvidual counseling AND marriage counseling.


I have put a call in to a therapist and hopefully she will be able to see me this week. I know that this marriage is damaged by years of dysfunctional behavor on my part and his.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> About the OW- is she married? I know it sounds like revenge to contact her BF or Husband, but it's not. It's a way to expose the affair and take her away as someone he can continue to cheat with.
> 
> It makes her deal with the consequences of her choices.


She is married and living 2 states away but travel alot on business. I guess that I haven't been comfortable about exposing anything because I just don't have any solid evidence. Like I wrote before, I have a piece of paper with hotel confirmation for the mini-suite for 2 nights near where she lives.

I know that he has been in contact (for at least 4 years) by email, text, phone and admitted meeting her for coffee one morning when she came into town. I also found some emails to/from her mom. Evidently, he helped her mom sell some cemetary property in our home town because the family does not live around her anymore. This must have occurred last summer....I know nothing about it and he doesn't know that I read those emails to her mom.

Of course, now he is deleting all of his history and always closing his email.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Stevie, i am going to tell you something that is very important to your analysis re whether he had an affair. It is something i had to learn through lots of obsessive reading, therapy and taliking to other betrayed spouses.
YOUR HUSBAND'S RESPONSE/REACTION TO BEING CONFRONTED WITH THE EVIDENCE YOU DISCOVERED (THE HOTEL DEAL) IS THE CLEAREST SIGN THAT YOU GOT THIS RIGHT.

That's right, the way he ahs reacted absolutely confirms that he cheated.

Now, bear with me hear, as this takes a little explaining, but it makes sense.

Many folks are conditioned to think that the way an innocent party reacts to being falsely accuses is the way your H has reacted, with defensiveness, some anger, and indignation. It is the way things are often portrayed in movies or books, ones that are less sophisticated and unrealistic.
But, think about it. In reality, innocent people, particularly people who are in a realtionship with someon they care about, do not react like your husband at all. Thye fall all over themselves to explain what happened. Thye are concerned about their spouse's insecurity and doubt. Thye take whatever time is needed to straighten things out and go to great lenghts to give their spouse the information he or she needs to verify innocence.
I can tell you with 100% certainty, based on your H's reaction alone, that you have this right.
Couple his reaction with the other evidence you have found, and there is no doubt ,whatsoever, that he cheated with this woman.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Thank you, Arnold....and he may never admit it, right??? So I have to make my decisions from here on out based on the fact that I married to a liar. How can you stay in a relationship like that ...even if it is a 30 year marriage?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Added to the previouse post is your husband may be getting ready to go to the OW hence he is not opposing the house sale . If you have children tell them of his adultery , get hold of the OW's husband / significant other and her parents . Ruin their plans and do not tell your husband of what you are doing. What you are doing is taking away the fantasy and removing the clean options of them being together without their affair being known
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Added to the previouse post is your husband may be getting ready to go to the OW's hence he is not opposing the house sale . If you have children tell them of his adultery , get hold of the OW husband / significant other and her parents . Ruin their plans and do not tell your husband of what you are doing. What you are doing is taking away the fantasy and cutting of clean options of them being together without their affair being known.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can I blow the whistle with a clean conscience if I have no hard evidence??? I know that once I make those calls he is going to get really, really angry and vengeful.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You do need some evidence though you can always call the OW's husband and have the conversation without directly referring to adultery, bring up the hotel , the OW would not have been home either . Furthermore by referring to the breakdown of your marriage and the OW's active contact with your husband being one of the primary reasons her husband will keep an eye on her.

Is her husband aware she sends your husband birthday cards?

If your husband is mad so be it , ignore him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_ excuse the grammar and spelling , autocorrect is doing its best to flummox the post


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Run the 180 , take each day as it comes until you are ready .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So contact her husband and say 

"I don't have any evidence, but my gut is saying there maybe something here and I'd like to compare notes with you.

My husband visited your area on XXX and stayed in a hotel there. I just found out about it, and he hid it from me. When I asked him about it, he turned white and offered to move out. He won't talk to me about it, and simply says he will leave. So my gut is telling me there is fire here, and he's willing to end our marriage rather than tell me about it. 

Do you have any info that might explain things?"


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Could you guys help me with my choices going forward? Let me say that my husband has contributed a lot to our marriage and worked hard for our home and family over the 30 years. This may just be a marriage made too young and with the wrong partners.

I have helped kill this relationship, too. And take full responsibility for that.

Right now, it stands that we will live in our house...but separately. Am I waiting for him to confess before moving forward? What kind of timetable...what signs will there be for me to move toward reconciling or divorcing?

I AM SO CONFUSED!!


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Run the 180 , take each day as it comes until you are ready .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How will I know when I ready?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You will know, you will be more stable emotionally and you will have clarity of thought. Importantly your husband will notice the new you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You will know, you will be more stable emotionally and you will have clarity of thought. Importantly your husband will notice the new you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When he notices the changes (and I already feel more stable) what difference will it make for the marriage. I am clear in knowing that I need to work the 180 and move my life forward. How will I know whether to finally go for D...or MC..or what to do???? How will I be able to read his intentions. Do I just have to wait for him to say..."this is what I want to happen?" and then we sit down and finally decide.

Looking at his reactions so far, do you think he will volunteer to go to counselling? So far we haven't really talked about it.

Why does he say he still loves me and seems so calm and positive? If he wanted to work this out, wouldn't he confess and try anything at all to work it out?

So far he hasn't volunteered to do anything!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180 is for you, exposure is to rattle his composure . Your husband is very determined and assumes he can just walk away. Do not give him what he wants , move monies into an account in a seperate bank that only you have access to, see a lawyer to understand your rights. Tell his parents and yours of his adultery and prepare for life without him. Only when you do this and run the 180 while securing yourself and your family will the balance of power shift from your husband. He sounds like he had years of being in an affair, the fog will be pretty deep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## giiyellow (Nov 29, 2011)

Tell him you want the marriage but you want honesty and commitment from him as well.


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Hey, guys...haven't been able to read any of the great posts here for a couple of days. I went to see a counsellor yesterday. It was hard to do, because I have never done that before and I was emotionally drained. She told me what you all have already said...take my time, act neutral and that ultimately each marriage is different and I deserve a truely intimate marriage.

Hubby did say last night that he was willing to go to counselling. I asked if he was willing to admit the affair and talk about it? I don't think he responded...can't remember. 

The bad thing about this, is that I am really brain-dead and having a hard time thinking about all of this.

Sooooo, we are in the same house. Tell me how long you all have stayed in limbo like this?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he hasn't had a physical relationship with OW he may not see anything wrong with what he has been doing.

I think you need to list all your suspicions and go over each one with your counselor and then your husband. It seems since you have so little proof you may be taking things to fast.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As a condition of working toward a R., you could demand a POLYGRAPH


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

*Re: husband's high school reunion and ea with old girlfriend*

Well, we are at the end of our 2nd week of "separation", in the same house but separate bedrooms. Husband does not initiate any conversation about our circumstance, just waits until I say something.

It's all very strange. This morning I said that I wanted to talk again about our bills and budget as we move forward. He said this was all really "dumb", he wanted to stay married.

At that point I said: "You had an affair with @@@@ and won't admit to it, whether it was ea or pa...we are not emotionally attached to each other and haven't been for years".

He said: "How could I have an affair with her if she lives 500 miles away?"

I said: "It just doesn't matter anymore, our marriage is not what a marriage should be. You buy things, go places, do things that I never know about. You have a life totally separate from me and we NEVER share our innermost thougts with each other. I don't think we can't fix this."

He left to go to work and called about an hour later to ask if I wanted a biscuit for breakfast. I said no that I was going to the grocery store and would pick up something then. 

He called about 10 mins later and said that he was going by the grocery store. Did I want him to get groceries so that I wouldn't have to go? Told him "no"..

Haven't seen him the rest of the day...This is soooo hard to do. Living in LIMBO!!!!!

Where do we go from here, what to do?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You arrange a polygraph once you have a confirmed date you tell him . Stick to your guns and don't cancel it. Give him a clear ultimatum you will expect nothing less than the truth and full transparency of everything.

Many wayards stubbornly resist the truth as they think the BS will weaken. Often this does happens and forever prevents the marriage recovering . You must decide either let him get away with his secrecy behaviours or be prepared to move on . Your love for him will be bitter sweet and will eventually harm you permanently if you allow him to continue as he is .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stevie (Nov 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your arrange a polygraph once you have a confirmed date you tell him . Stick to your guns and don't cancel it. Give him a clear ultimatum you will expect nothing less than the truth and full transparency of everything.
> 
> Many wayards stubbornly resist the truth as they think the BS will weaken. Often this does happens and forever prevents the marriage recovering . You must decide either let him get away with his secrecy behaviours or be prepared to move on . Your love for him will be bitter sweet and will eventually harm you permanently if you allow him to continue as he is .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eli-Zor, you have been so great...will you re-read my posts about finding the hotel confirmation and silence on the way home from reunion....tell me again AM I IMAGINING EVERYTHING? I've been pretty strong this week but really 2nd guessing now.

I just don't know...am I making this up in my head


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I think the only way you will truly know is if you call the gal in question and ask her about the time period / incident. She may not be forthcoming, but then again, she may feel the need to get it off her chest.


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