# Waiting....Waiting...



## FiveToGo (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi all. I’m new here and so glad to have found a place to talk with people experiencing the same/similar situations. My story is much like everyone else’s here. Married 18 ½ years, 3 kids – ages 12-16. About 4 years ago, I really started to think about divorce. For the past 2 years, I have become certain that it is what I want. I can’t really say that there are any major or significant problems with my marriage that would warrant an immediate divorce, but there are a million little things that make me know that I do not want to be married to this man for the rest of my life. In isolation, each little thing seems sort of trivial, but put them all together, and it has developed into a very unhappy and unsatisfying situation between my husband and I. My kids are not very close to their father. He has always had a very awkward relationship with all 3 of them, and it has gotten to the point where they’re happier when he’s not around. After several years of trying to decide if and when I should take the next step, I think that I’ve decided that I need try to hang in until the kids have all turned 18 (5+ more years!) I’d like to try to avoid any custody situations. I can barely get the kids to spend several hours with him. I can’t imagine trying to force them to spend entire weekends with him. 
I have a great relationship with all 3 kids. They keep me laughing. I’m afraid that any drastic change in our family situation would have a negative effect on them, especially during their teen years. So I’m wondering if there is anyone else here (male or female) who is living in this same situation – knowing that divorce is inevitable, but biding your time until the time is right. How do you deal with the everyday stuff – cringing when you hear the garage door open when spouse comes home, trying to plan “family” events knowing that everyone would be happier if spouse didn’t participate, dealing with friends/family who have no idea what is really going on behind closed doors, etc…. It’s exhausting. I want so much to live in peace, and I know the day will come, but the waiting is so hard…


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think that is pretty cruel.
if you KNOW you are leaving, then you need to go. now.
why waste 5 more years of his life.


----------



## FiveToGo (Jan 19, 2012)

2nd t!me...Perhaps one of the drawbacks to a forum like this is that an entire story can't be told in a simple, short post. He is fully aware of the entire situation. We have had many, many discussions about it and he knows that I am very unhappy. He is the type who cannot make a decision about anything, one way or the other. He just plain does nothing at all. The option is for me to make the decision, or for him to waste the rest of MY life. But thanks for your opinion.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

you are right, it is hard to see things when in short story form and only on 1 side.
not trying to sound mean, i just dont see any reason from what you gave to wait.
it would better for both of you if it is going to happen any ways.

have you tried counseling?
would you or he go for that?


----------



## FiveToGo (Jan 19, 2012)

we have discussed and agreed together that we don't want to disrupt the kids at this point in their lives. His sister has recently gone through a divorce that was (still is) extremely hard on her teenage son - primarily the shuffling back and forth between mom and dad's house. That is one thing that we totally agree on - that the kid's needs must come first. In the meantime, we're trying to co-exist. Sadly, he would be content to just co-exist for eternity.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Read Divorce Busters. You have five years and plenty of time to try something other than throw in the towel. Make the best use of it.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm Dadof3 - I could also be your Husband, based on your story. 

You almost sound like you could be my W. There are only a very few, minor differences between the story my W would have told a forum like this 6 months ago.

What changed? Both of us. For different reasons.

I manned up. Helped her feel the security she's been missing for so long (doing fine in the financial area - but the rest were lacking). I initiated more 10 sec kissing (part of the manning up). At some point, she decided that she should make the best of it she could too.

Believe it, or not - you are equally to blame for the marriage problems as he. 

Please don't tell me you don't feel the need to change yourself, that it's all him. In my mind, he should be the first to get out, if that's the case.

Some of us spouses give up after feeling like we are making all the effort to make the marriage a happy, worthwhile one as our spouse is to "set in their ways" to care about the marriage falling apart.

Kids will be happy with both parents, if the marriage is good. If not, they tend to take sides - often of the parent who is badmouthing the other parent. then, in a private moment - they will switch sides and be against you with the other parent. I've seen this happen. Manipulation in its finest. 

Its the way kids get what they want by pulling the strings. its a way of maximizing their gains. if one parent is frugal, the other lavish, one is more strict (disciplinarian) and the other more lax (permissive), its how they learn to navigate. Makes it even tougher for the parents to come together.

Don't assume because the kids tell you this that they are telling you the truth. If you asked your spouse, he might have his own version of your story about how Mom's a witch and hates Dad, etc, etc, etc.

Marriage's first priority - each other (spouses first)

Everything else falls into place (the kids and their happiness) when they see parents happy.


----------



## FiveToGo (Jan 19, 2012)

This Is Me - thank you for this suggestion. I've gone to the DivorceBusting website, and have been peeking at it on and off, as I am at work. However, the first thing that I read was the article about the Walkaway Wife. Described me completely! I'm looking forward to reading more.


----------



## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

FiveToGo - you sound like me 10+ years ago and I honestly wish I hadn't waited. It is never going to be easy to leave, even now with an empty nest we are not finding it easy to decide.
Your H sounds just like mine. I am so much happier with family (kids, extended family) when he is not there. I am always worried about what he will do, say next.
I have a close girlfriend though, who is in exactly the same situation as me and you, and like you her kids are young, and like you, she has decided to wait it out, knowing where it's going to end.
So I don't have any great suggestions just a lot of empathy, if that helps?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does he know you have a 5-year plan? Cause if he doesn't, then it's really fvcked up to string someone along for 5 years when your ultimate plan is to terminate the marriage.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would be more worried about how a divorce would affect them emotionally then I would about interupting their lives. They are children and even once grown it will still disrupt them and it will affacet them.

Also children are not stupid and one day will realize you remained in a marriage that did nothing for you because of them. Will they be able to see your intentions rather then blame themselves for your years of unhappiness? I would be asking my self tons of questions rather then checking out and waiting it out. 

What are you teaching your children to accept in their future? An unfufilled marriage, not working on a commitment, to just give up, to suffer when there are healthier options? (You could live close to your spouse so the kids are able to still have their life be close to the same places, in the same school boundaires)If a better higher paying job came along would you disrupt their lives to move for that job? Would that be more acceptable reason to interupt them?
Sorry I just think that this is unfair for all involved. I also think that it is stupid to say hey I can suffer for five years but I can not try to save and work on my marriage....suffering may be easier then working on it or leaving now, but I believe it is not wise to do so. 

Your children will be disrupted now or later it will interupt them. Being 18 does not mean one is disconnected from their parents and the home they had there. I would be crushed and disrupted if my parents divorced and I am 30 years old.
Start thinking about. Go to IC and start figuring it all out. The best thing you can do for your children is to live a happy life, take care of your self. Yes you want to put them first but they do need happy healthy parents. I too would do anything for my kids so I do understand the intentions and love for them that it takes to make that kind of sacrifice. Are you sure there is not other reasons you are choosing to stay?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think that what you say you have to make all decisions is rather telling. I never believe someone is incapable of making decisions. You dont sound like you are at all interested in saving the marriage. If you are anyway going to wait five years why not put more effort into saving it. At least enjoy the next five years. 
You have to start by giving him some decisions to make. They may be wrong and even cost money its still worth it. You will find he will also be better with the children if he has some input into their lives as well. He is after all their father. Just give him a chance you never know.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

First off, I completely empathise with your situation. Its frustrating, confusing and often if you express your thoughts/feelings, people get very judgemental and harsh. 

Try not to let it bother you. You are living it. It is very easy to look at a post and zig someone as selfish for dreaming of a different life. I am there too and, like you, pretty lost as to how to change things. 

Our marital issue came to the fore recently when I said I had had enough. Enough of the surface relationship, neglect, lack of interest, selfishness, enough of the appearance of a marriage. 

In my frustration and overwhelming confusion, I did something I should have years ago. I got into counseling. 

It has been an interesting and hard journey. And I still do not know if my marriage is salvageable or if I even want to try (its exhausting after 13 years without it getting any better). My husband has been attending counseling too and it is leading both of us to understand the depth of our collective and personal disconnect. It is profound, and in the words of our counselor, "one of you is so emotionally damaged and closed off and has been for so long, it may just be too late, too much damage done".


I know someone will post "find another couselor" but my husband and I both feel comfortable with him. We feel he is realistic, honest and fair. He has called both of us out on the carpet when needed (sometimes brutally so). Its not easy to hear you helped create the situation by coddling your spouse and being so self sufficient it allows your spouse to bow out of responciblities. And let me tell you, I still struggle with that idea! My defensive streak says "if he won't do it, then I have to because it must be done". Old habits die hard. 

I can acknowledge my husband is trying on some level. I think he understands this is my Waterloo point. He is doing more to help around the house, trying to communicate his travel plans more openly (he still *****foots around yes and no answers but that is a different issue). 

Where the hard part comes in is the emotional life. He has a LOT of personal issues he is trying to work through: stunted emotional life due to a very bad childhood ie emotional detachment syndrom. I am genuinely unsure if he will ever be able to connect with anyone emotionally. No just me. Anyone. 

And I have to figure out if I can live with that. I don't know. 

Each situation is so different. I would highly recommend counseling, both individual and couples. Alone or together, you and your husband will have to learn how to cope with the relationship and yourselves. That is the best advice I have to offer.

That and protect yourself. If you are emotionally unsure of yourself and your marriage right now DO NOT complicate the issue by entangling yourself with someone else. As you can see from this site, that seems to be a go to. It will only further complicate the situation and create more damage.


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I'm in the tell him now camp. It sounds like he/you are both aware of all the problems, that there's a possibilty of divorce. If you are sure of it, then tell him what your plan is now so he can prepare and start sorting out his life. If you are 90-95% sure, then give the next five years your best effort, but tell him now what you are planning if things are the same as they are now.

then it falls on both of you. I just don't believe in one person knowing they are exiting in X years/months and not sharing it with the other so they have the same lead time for planning a new life.


----------



## FiveToGo (Jan 19, 2012)

As I mentioned earlier in this thread, he is completely aware of my thoughts and plan. I have shared them with him several times over the past year. In fact, we spoke about it again just last week. His response usually starts out that he would like to try to save the marriage, but as we get into further discussion, it often is revealed that the reason he doesn't want to separate is because he is afraid of being alone AND that he doesn't want to deal with reactions from the rest of his family. (so right there, you can get a good idea of why we have struggled so much over the years). So even though I have said to him that if he doesn't want to wait 5 years, and he would like to separate now (I would not fight him on it), his plan is to just wait it out and let me make the decision. After all, it will be easier to present to his family if he is the "victim" and not the initiator. 

He did try IC several years ago, before things got to the breaking point. The counselor helped him identify these issues from his childhood (i.e. overbearing mother, never being allowed to do what he wanted, but always what his mother wanted, etc). He acknowledged that it was all true and that he could see how it affected him as an adult, a husband, and a father. However, when it came time to start working on changing those habits, he stopped going. I have never been to IC, although I often think of starting. I do know that I am not an innocent victim in all of this. There are many things that I could have/should have done over the years to prevent this from happening, and I know that I am not blame-free by any means. I am looking into finding a good therapist in my area.

However, even with the help of a therapist, I'm afraid that we have some very fundamental differences that may not be easily (or ever) overcome. For example, our views on how other people live their lives. He is very closed-minded and does not accept "differences" in other people. He's hypercritical when it comes to other people's lifestyle choices. If you do not make the same choices as him, he has no tolerance. Thankfully, all 3 kids have not adopted his ideas on this. They have a very big variety of friends and are pretty tolerant of everyone (except each other, of course!!) His idea of a conversation after work is to come home and criticize just about everyone he works with....the women are all fat, the men are all trying to steal business away from him, too many people take smoke breaks all day long.....

I thank everyone who has posted responses. I appreciate the kind words from those who are in similar situations, as well as the tough questions/feedback from those who think I'm a total b*tch. Everyone's responses have given me some new things to think about.


----------



## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

Heyy...

I feel the best thing for you to do is end it asap, if you have already thought of ending it sooner or later. I understand how you feel, I am also in a similar situation. All the best!


----------

