# Stepson and Biological Father Issue



## Justchecking

Hi, 
This is my first post so hope I'm putting this in right area. It's long so I apologize in advance. I have a situation concerning my stepson that I have no clue how to handle. My Husband and I have a pretty good marriage. We don't have children together. I have a 22yr old daughter from previous relationship and he has an 8 yr old son from his first marriage. We've blended relatively well over past 3 years. The main issue we have surrounds the circumstances of my step-son: My Husband is not his son/my stepson's biological Father. 

My stepson was born from an affair his Mother had when she and my Husband was still married. For the first 7mths of the child's life my Husband thought he was the Father. But it soon became hard to ignore the child was very dark-my Husband & his Ex-wife were of different Races so the child should have been bi-racial and very light. But he was clearly not so she finally confessed that he was not the Father. She said the biological Father does not know the boy exists and she vows he never will. Ultimately this lead to their divorce a year later. However my Husbands achilles heel is children without Fathers. (He's 42yrs old and to this day does not know who his own Father is-his mother refuses to tell him). 

Anyway that and the love of children in general is why he decided to stay as the Father figure in this child's life. Fast forward and I come along. I learn of this when I eventually met his son and I accepted the situation. Now here is the real trouble: The child does not know his Father is not his Father.

I strongly believe that kids should be told these things early as age 3-4 and in age appropriate ways as time progresses. This way it's just normal to them & no big secret lingers. But my Husband and his Ex decided to not tell him so that was the situation I came in to. There's been a few minor situations like the time his son had a tantrum in the store and he was taking him out and other people surrounded him asking him what he was doing-assuming he was kidnapping this screaming crying child. But it wasn't until after he started school the issues started revealing themselves. He'd go to school to pick up the child early for appts and he'd always have to go through this big explanation when the secretaries wouldn't release him b/c they didn't see that he could be the Father. Other children ask my stepson if he's adopted when they meet my Husband. Parents of the kids often ask my stepson where his Father is while he's standing right there. What's more is when he was 4, his biological fathers mother spotted him and the Mom out and she saw this child looked exactly like her son. (They all went to church together back when he was conceived). She forced her to tell her the truth & she confessed it was her son's child. So the biological grandmother wanted to be in his life and wanted to tell her son but the ex vowed to her if she did tell him she'd never let her see him so supposedly he still doesn't know. The grandma shows up with her daughter, my stepsons real aunt, at his soccer games, at his bday parties, etc. (I think they've probably told the real father but we have no idea if he's opting out or if he's married or what. His family seem like a good, kind family). 

My stepson has not been old enough to understand all of this -he was content with the "We're special" answer his Parents told him to give anyone who questioned him. He doesn't understand the questions. But he will be 8 Saturday and starting about 6months ago, he really started laying in on questions or making comments like "I don't understand how a brown child can have a white dad". When he introduces new friends to my Husband he has started saying "This is my Dad. He's white. That's weird ain't it?" Or lately he says "That's creepy ain't it?" Recently a bi-racial child of around his same age told him he does not look like he has "any white in him". He also wants to know why he has a 'Grandma' from his Mom and a not a Grandma from his Dad (my husbands estranged mother had known his ex wife for 15 years as they dated 10 yrs before marrying so she was really hurt by the betrayal & never forgave her or accepted the child as their grandchild). He also wants to know why he has a "Grandma Rose" and who's mom is she? We don't know what he asks his Mom-she doesn't tell us anything about it.

When he asks me questions or makes comments about his Race compared to his dad, when his Dad is not around, I'm stuck trying to navigate this situation without saying anything and it's getting very uncomfortable. We have him 2-4 days per week so this is getting frequent. I tell my husband and I've been urging him to talk to his ex so they can sit and tell him together. He is not stupid and will soon be able to understand all of this. I can't imagine how he's going to feel! What's worse is there are sooo many opportunities for someone else to tell him-a kid, his mom's new boyfriend, this grandma rose. 

His Mother is not exposed to this stuff b/c she's never with him and his my husband at same time to experience these situations. When my husband mentions it to her, she laughs it off. She has taken it upon herself to not only deny the biological father the right to know he has a child, she's also not telling the child. 

I don't know what to do-it's like watching a slow head on train wreck and neither Conductor plans to try to stop or prevent it. It's not my place to tell him. But the questions and the ignoring of it by both my Husband and his Ex-wife-it's ridiculous. My husband hates conflict and anytime he tries to tell her something she's doing wrong she dangles the child like a carrot threatening that she will stop him from being a father. I think it's a bluff-she needs us as babysitters too often. But my husband is convinced if he pushes it, she'll yank the boy out of his life. So he says nothing.. and the one paying is the boy. 

I am thinking of talking to the Mom and my husband together and bringing this up but don't want to be in that position or cause strife between them/us. I love this little boy-he's a good kid but lately he's getting quiet and withdrawn from us and I think it's b/c he's starting to figure this all out. Please help?!! What in the world do I/we do??


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## CantePe

Not your business. It's up to the mother and "father" to tell the child when they feel it either necessary or relevant OR not to tell.

He took on the child as his own he is the father. You should NOT be bringing this up with them at all. They may view it as interference from you as the "step mom" and you'll be looked at as the bad person.

The dynamics of this situation suck for you...a lot but you have no say in it. You'll just be talking to dead air. You walked into the marriage knowing this situation and accepted it too. Stop treating it like he's not the father as well, he is the father in his eyes so treat this as he is the bio father. All you can do is keep redirecting the questions the child poses at you until mom and dad are ready to deal with this.


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## Justchecking

Cante, like I said, I don't feel it's my place either (but it is my business -my family is my business & my stepson is treated like and is part of my family). It's hard to ignore him-I feel like yet another adult in his life betraying and lying to him when I stutter out of the questions. I have stayed as out of it thus far & only when he started asking me repeatedly did I start talking to my Husband about it. It's to the point where I don't like keeping him by myself now b/c I don't want to be cornered by these questions so I'm at my wits end.


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## Dday and Mam

Let it be. If you become involved in this, you will alienate your husband, and probably the boy as well. You may be seen as the trouble maker, too. So, the best that you can do is to be supportive and helpful to your husband and stepson. If you do see that the boy is becoming withdrawn, have him seen by a counselor if you can afford to do so. A word about skin pigmentation: Genetics plays a huge role in the color/pigmentation or amount of melanin in the skin tissue. Actually, the boy could be any shade of light brown, dark brown to very dark brown. The boy could also have been born "white." Yes, see The Sun newspaper from the UK 2010.


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