# Gay Porn issues



## distraught

New poster here, so forgive me if this topic has been hashed to death already! I've read through many of the topics in this section, and haven't found anything that fits my problem.
Married 20 years, and about 10 years ago, I found out my husband was viewing gay porn all these years. I found out purely accidentally, and as time went on, lots of different venues of his addiction would cross my path. It answered a lot of questions about our marriage and his relationship with me, but I never addressed it until about a year ago. To make a long story short, we went through quite a bump in the road, with both of us guilty of contributing to each others' unhappiness. After the bump, things were wonderful, we were newly in love and newly committed to each other. That phase wore off quickly, and I've discovered he is back to his addictive behaviour. This issue of gay porn is so very disturbing to me, but the icing on the cake, is that he takes time away from his family to indulge in this addiction, but uses the cover of "busy at work". I've defended his "work keeps him busy" position for so many years, and now I feel like I've been played. I feel like all these years of marriage have been a sham. I feel like I've been short changed, in the way that I've missed out on that "normal" male/female relationship should be.
There is lots more for me to unload, but I'll leave it here, hoping for some insight from the members here.
Any suggestions, ideas, insights, similar stories would be very greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm very alone in my situation!


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## dobo

I'd start to wonder if he's ever been with a man. Has he?

Does he want to be?

How's your sex life?


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## bcburdoa

you may want to bring this up to your hubs, sounds like he could use it, and it might really help your marriage M-Group Chicago


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## distraught

dobo said:


> I'd start to wonder if he's ever been with a man. Has he?
> 
> Does he want to be?
> 
> How's your sex life?


I wonder about that too, but it's not like he is going to open up and tell me. Does he want to be? Perhaps, but again, I don't know. Sex life at home is good, but he has never had that "male intuition" about being really comfortable with a woman (me). I don't know if I read too much into it because of the knowledge of his addiction, or because he just really isn't into me.
Although we have a very good relationship, aside from the gay porn issues, communication is our biggest downfall. He has never been able to talk to me about this, even when our marriage reached a turning point.


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## distraught

bcburdoa said:


> you may want to bring this up to your hubs, sounds like he could use it, and it might really help your marriage M-Group Chicago


Thanks for the link, very much appreciated. If we had better communication, and if he were able to acknowledge his addiction, then I could and would bring this to his attention. However, any discussion of the matter is out of the question for us. I think he is either in denial, or thinks I don't know.


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## dobo

Is he afraid you will judge him if he opens up to you? 

You said there is a lot more. Does it concern the same area?

If you confront him with evidence, he can no longer deny. If you tell him that it is OK for him to talk to you, maybe he'll open up. But he's obviously embarrassed. I don't nkow if this is an addiction or the only outlet he has for his true desires.

Is he homophobic in his public life?


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## distraught

We did discuss the gay porn issue about a year ago, when our marriage reached a make it or break it point. He claimed he was sexually abused as a child (by a person in authority), and thus is his predicament. I'm not sure how that all comes into play, but I have no choice but to believe him. We were very open at the time about what our lives are about, and I had hoped this would continue. We both promised to discontinue behaviours that were destructive to our marriage. Now I find he is right back to where things were when they went bad.
I hate to confront him, as I really hate to embarass him. But on the other hand, he should probably know how it's affecting me.
As for the other stuff I left out, it all connects to the gay porn. It's stuff about how I feel as a woman, or less of a woman, how I am now finding it hard to be intimate with him, because I know of his preferences, how I am resenting that he spends time on his addiction, rather than time with us... that sort of thing.

And is he homophobic in public? Very much so. Any idea what that translates into?


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## dobo

What he says makes sense. Our first experiences often create an almost pavlovian response when it comes to sex. I'm afraid you are going to have to accept this part of him. It is core to who he has become through no fault of his own. So long as he is not seeking to act these things out in real life. If he is, then that's a different kettle of wax. ;-)

Look, your guy has a problem. He was abused. It caused a fundamental shift in his self-perception. It affected his sexuality. He doesn't like this part of himself, but there it is. He can't fight it. He doesn't want to act on it because he believes it is somehow fundamentaly wrong. And your response confirms it. 

He's homophobic because he can't accept this part of himself. He's afraid about what his interests mean. He's probably afraid of losing you, too.

I think it would be helpful if you didn't look at what he's doing as an addiction, but moreso a less-destructive outlet than trying to hook up with men would be. 

I understand how you feel as a woman. But honestly, this isn't about you. If you looked like the hottest porn star ever, he would still be like this. If you were superwoman in every way, he would still be where he is. It is zero reflection on you. You have to just believe me. Do some reading on sexual abuse and the potential effects -- some people find that only really hardcore stuff turns them on, for instance, stuff that you'd think would horrify a survivor of abuse. And yet, that's all they can get off to. Some people find themselves fantasizing about being abused or raped. The way sexuality develops gets messed up. But it is a response that is almost encoded in the cells. It is what it is. And I have no idea if it can be undone. The question is, can you live with him as he is.

You've already put up with years of concern over this. I'm sure it has taken its toll on you. 

There are shorter term questions -- can you ever consider allowing him to act out some of his interests with you in terms of a strap-on or other activities in that area? Can you give him an outlet that involves you?

Longer-term questions -- is he really gay? Does he want to be with men? Is he going to be with men while married to you? Those need to be answered at some point. 

As he comes to terms with how he is, he can better answer those longer-term questions. But your acceptance is going to be a key to how long it takes for him to decide.


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## distraught

Thank you very much for your reply, dobo. It's given me a lot to think about. I spent the day yesterday trying to wrap my mind around how I feel about all of this, and how I am going to move forward.
So, what to do now? Just thinking outloud here, but please correct or guide me if I'm wrong.
The shorter term questions... I don't think there is a way I can be a part of him acting out his interests. We are both very conservative people. Our sex life, while good, is very conservative. And as much as I love him, I don't think I can bring this issue into our bedroom.
Longer term questions about him being gay? That's is something I may or may not be able to talk to him about. Will he be with men while married to me? Out of the question, in the same way that I will not be with other men to fulfill my needs while married to him.

I do love him, and I don't judge him for his predicament. I wish we had a better level of communication, so I could talk to him about this. I am willing to accept him for what and who he is... I always have. However, where I have to draw the line, is him spending time pursuing his interests, under the guise of "working hard", while I'm left to raise 3 wonderful children, and I'm left alone, lonely, and missing out on what could be a wonderful marriage.

I also have to get over the "poor me" phase of this. I do feel hard done by. It's not fair to me that I've been robbed of a marriage that is fulfilling to both of us. I won't go on here, as it will take far too much time, and drain me emotionally. Perhaps that's a topic for another thread.

Again, thanks for your input, and giving me another angle to see things with. 
Any other thoughts out there would be welcomed as well.


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## distraught

I'd also love to find a support group for me somehow. Can anyone suggest a reputable group? An online search brings up far too many, and I'd rather go with a recommendation.
Any help would be appreciated!


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## dobo

I'm afraid I don't know of any support group. But knowing the web, there is one.

I would encourage you to attempt to open up your communication with him about this. That's the only way I can see the two of you surviving. You're both going to have to "man up" and get honest. The time is well past in fact. You need to risk the fallout. 

As for you saying him being with someone else is out of the question, maybe in your mind, but maybe not in his. This is why you need to risk these discussions. You have no idea what he's doing while he claims to be working. 

I would also encourage you to consider looking up information about anal sex and "pegging" (the use of strap-ons, etc. with men.) Even straight guys enjoy it. So it isn't as strange as you might think. I have personal experience here as do a couple of other women and we're very comfortable with our men this way. At least for me, it is both on the giving and receiving end. It really is, OK. Not freaky and not wrong or bad or uncomfortable. I feel privileged that my husband shares this with me, in fact, that he trusts me with him in that way.


If you two can't discuss this, or won't, because that's what the truth is, you won't talk to one another, you won't take the risk, I wonder how you can hope to survive. How can you stay with him when you resent what he's doing and how you are covering up for him? I also wonder at what point he'll do something to act out in some negative way. (I worry that with such a "secret" he is vulnerable to depression and worse.)

Steel your mind and have this discussion with him.

Also, if he's looking at this stuff at work, he's in danger right there unless he owns his own business. Even there he is vulnerable to getting caught by someone else.


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## distraught

I knew I had to have a discussion with him. This situation was affecting me greatly, and although he knew it, he of course wouldn't come to me about it. We had a really good heart to heart the other night. I was able to share with him how his viewing of the gay porn made me feel, and how I was so hurt that it was taking him away from his family. We have so little time with him as it is, that I just find it so offensive that he would rather spend what free time he has watching porn than spending it with us.

In any case, he says his urges go in cycles, much like a woman's cycle. He can go months without needing to view it, and then for whatever reason, he has a true need for it. He feels he can't control it, and yes, he would much rather be spending time with us, but he just can't get it under control when the urges rage. 

When I really think about it, I guess I am ok with him viewing the gay porn, but what tears me apart is that he CHOOSES to do that, rather than come home to us. 

Now, he does say he has no desire to act out in a negative way. No desire to be with another man. He also says he has no desire to introduce this stuff into our bedroom. (I'm thankful for that. I am simply not as liberal in that area, and really, neither is he)

He did say he tried an online support group for this, but it was a daily accountability group, and the fact that he had to address this daily, actually made it more of a problem. It made him have to talk about what he is doing and viewing, daily, whereas before, he could supress it for months at a time. That leads me to think that any kind of counselling would also be out of the question.

I also brought up the issue of him being "caught", and he had already thought about this. He's being careful, and limits his viewing to his one computer at work (his computer, his own business).

I guess with this issue, I just have to be supportive, and communicate when I'm being affected by it. It's not easy for him to talk about it, but he realizes I'm hurt and I think after our discussion, he will be more sensitive in this area. 
I hope so anyways....


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## dobo

The problem with these cycles is that they don't ever end. He doesn't want to be reminded of them daily, but then he still gives in and indulges himself whenever the compulsion is too great. Honestly, he's afraid to deal with himself.

Counseling/Therapy is EXACTLY what he needs. That he's afraid of it is normal. That it is an uncomfortable thought is understandable. But that he's doing something that makes him unhappy and makes you unhappy and has residual effects throughout the family states strongly and loudly that he needs to face it head on. No more weenying out. 

I am proud of you for talking with him. Good job. 

But do encourage him to see someone or to rejoin that group. Daily accountability may get him sick enough of it that he kicks it. And that'd make him happier in the long run. The problem with compulsions and addictions is that they are all about the short-term. Whatever feels good now, or whatever kills the pain, now. They're really short-sighted and they're damaging because they are ultimately so selfish.

It doesn't matter if he's using his own computer at work. A guy at my company was, too. But they still found it all and walked him out. He is putting his livelihood at risk. He is putting his retirement at risk. 

Honestly, he needs to take it home where he's safe if he's going to do it at all. It is just plain stupid to do that sort of thing at work. I mean, you know he's masturbating to it. He's not just watching. He will get caught eventually. Invite him home. Find a safe place for him. Off-limits to the kids.

Let us know how things progress with you. You're a great wife. I hope he realizes how lucky he is.


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