# consequences and sex



## melis38

so I have a few questions and I apologize if I ramble but I'm having a really hard time figuring some things out in my head. 
quick backstory....3 years ago my husband cheated on me during a 12 month period with 3 different random women and about 4 months ago took steps to possible cheat which I found out about but never followed through with any of it, finally realizing as he said it was stupid of him and he shouldnt. anyway, so to be honest no he never had any true consequences 3 years ago. of course I was extremely upset and broken. we talked and talked and were moving a month later to a different state. we needed up having sex maybe a week and half later. sex wasn't easy at times for me and I would cry but we did. fast forward 2 months, new state different job for him and life went back to "normal". it really wasn't to be honest but I will consider myself to weak at the time to bring it up anymore. I know I know all wrong. so now we are at what happened 4 months ago and it brought everything back to me in a frenzy. it was like it was all fresh since I (we) never truly dealt with it. once again we were moving for his job weeks after I found this out. I started going to IC and feel more empowered. standing up for myself and really and truly respecting myself.. we have been to 1 MC so far. after the event yes once again we had sex but i was only doing it i was only doing it to more or less get him off my back. i wasnt there in the moment at all. eyes always closed and just wanted it done. again I now know more than ever know was wrong. so last week....i told him I just can't have sex with him right now. yes I am trying to reconcile with him. but being in this new state of mind I'm in I need space I never asked for and space I needed. all I want right now is to feel safe. hold me and nothing more, obviously, he has tried to take it further which has pushed me back more. after talking to.him tonight I told him he has never had any consequences for his actions. nothing at all. swept under the rug and back to "normal" he then told me you mean punishments as they are one in the same and I don't believe they are. I told him no one knows this happened (except for two good friends of mine) he told me to tell everyone then and he will just deal.
art. I don't even know what my question is, but am I unreasonable to saying no indidnt want sex or to be intimate except for holding me? and he keeps asking me about what consequences (punishments) I should give him. and I be dammes of i don't know the answer. I am posting on this forum, because on my heart of hearts i want to reconcile. o am no where close to trusting him....and have no idea when I will be. but for once I am standing up for myself and it feels good but at the same time it's so hard....


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## arbitrator

*So what's your motivation in wanting to reconcile with a serial cheater?*


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## melis38

ok stupid question to that here.....do you consider him a serial cheater because of the 3 woman at that time or because of that and the thing that happened in July. I'm asking because I'm curious....
why do I want to reconcile...i love him and I want to try. if he messed up again then he will wake up in a cold and lonely bed for the rest of his life probably... which at point ibwould be ok with


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## MJJEAN

He's a serial cheater because he's had multiple affairs. Typically, serial cheaters remain serial cheaters. They just get better at hiding it.


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## uhtred

Some problems do not have a happy solution. 

He cheated - the fault is his. How your respond is up to you. My feeling though, is that if you can't forgive him and can't enjoy intimacy with him anymore, your marriage will never be happy. This may be justice for him, but you will also be unhappy and you have done nothing wrong. 

You can't really apply "consequences" to the person you love without suffering those consequences yourself.


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## Spicy

Yeah, you definitely need some time, and he does need some consequences. 

A four time cheater, that’s a lot to get over. I could never do it. That’s just me. If you don’t have kids, I would definitely separate so you can get some time to clear your head without him “holding you”. That would be the first consequence I would enforce. I would also tell his friends and family that he is a big ol’ cheater and that is why you are seperting. 

Also, since you don’t feel you can have sex with him (TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE) when he cheats the fifth time he will blame it on you. 

Sorry you are here. We want to help sweetheart. Hugs.


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## uhtred

I know yours is the more common feeling, but I've never understood it. "consequences" sounds like something to make him unhappy in punishment for his bad behavior. My mind doesn't work that way. I never have a desire to make the person I love unhappy. If they do something to bad for me to forgive, I would leave, but I couldn't both love and punish someone. (not a child - there punishment is intended to train someone who does not yet understand the world to protect them against worse future harm).




Spicy said:


> Yeah, you definitely need some time, and he does need some consequences.
> 
> A four time cheater, that’s a lot to get over. I could never do it. That’s just me. If you don’t have kids, I would definitely separate so you can get some time to clear your head without him “holding you”. That would be the first consequence I would enforce. I would also tell his friends and family that he is a big ol’ cheater and that is why you are seperting.
> 
> Also, since you don’t feel you can have sex with him (TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE) when he cheats the fifth time he will blame it on you.
> 
> Sorry you are here. We want to help sweetheart. Hugs.


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