# Fantasy?



## Tabby88 (Dec 27, 2017)

I recently mentioned to my husband about having a three some. He seems very interested (of course) but he does have his doubts as do I. I do become very aroused at the thought of him with another woman but I'm afraid it will have dire effects. Should this stay a fantasy or should we pursue it?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Isn't life complicated enough?

Why not keep it a fantasy and keep your life simple?

Why add drama and complexity and risk your relationship with your husband?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Inviting a third party into your marriage doesn't usually go well.

Have you explored internally why you think you find this arousing ?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't have any moral objections if both agree, but a lot of couples have found that this turned out very badly. 

Try games first. One of you dresses up, wig etc, to look like someone else, then fill yourselves having sex in disguise.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Yeah that is fantasy for me. My issue is I would be so worried my wife would think I'm more into the other girl that I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it. Do I spend 10 minutes in her, then 20 on my wife, then another 10 with the other girl? Am I allowed to orgasm with her? Even if my wife says yes, will she feel differently in the morning? "You know, I just didn't think you would enjoy her as much as you did" she says through tears the next morning... I know I would never be able to just enjoy it, I would be worried sick about making the wrong move. In turn my performance woukd no doubt be awful. 

Or what if I feel they are more into each other and I'm just sort of there for the ride. Then what do you do, just watch your wife basically have sex with someone else in front of you while you get little bits of the action thrown your way just to keep you from being upset? Would my wife be thinking the same thing as me? "What if I dont give him enough attention?" "What if he enjoys her more than me?" Would she be able to perform? 

How about the poor third party trying to work with one or two basket cases over there sweating buckets with anxiety about how the other will feel in the morning? It is not like they have an emotional investment, but obviously I can't think I would perform well and I don't think my wife would be able to either with the looming pillow talk after its all over. 

This would all need to be discussed in great length. With that comes the understanding that discussing a fantasy like that and thinking you know how you would feel when it is all over can be very different from how you might actually feel when you really go through with it and it's all over. You can never really know how you would feel I don't think. That is the scary part of it to me, and really makes the potential pain not worth the potential pleasure for me. 

Start slow maybe? Have him kiss another woman in front of you? If you can handle that and it still turns you on, progress further. If not, then you know it was a mistake and a kiss is far less damaging I would imagine if you no longer feel you can go through with it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Your relationship has to be very strong before you even think about making this fantasy a reality, the trust must be 100%.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think this comes down to how you see sex with your husband. The way I see marital sex is a place of ultimate freedom to be yourself and true intimacy. Letting someone into our marital bed doesn’t enhance that intimacy so it’s a no for me. If you can see your husband enjoying another woman does that mean you’re a secure person or that you’re just not in oove wirh me anymore? Maybe before resorting to threesomes you can try other ways of spicing up your sex life first.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Leave it as a fantasy. It is hotter as a fantasy. If you want to “see” him with another woman why not take a trip out of town or to Las Vegas and go to a strip club and have a stripper give him and you a lap dance? You will see him with another woman grinding on him and her breasts in his face. And if you get jealous or end up not liking it in real life you will have the option of walking out and having not brought some other woman into your marriage.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I think JayDee7 is on point....



JayDee7 said:


> Leave it as a fantasy. It is hotter as a fantasy. If you want to “see” him with another woman why not take a trip out of town or to Las Vegas and go to a strip club and have a stripper give him and you a lap dance? You will see him with another woman grinding on him and her breasts in his face. And if you get jealous or end up not liking it in real life you will have the option of walking out and having not brought some other woman into your marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tabby,

Given that there are 3 people involved here your have really multiplied the number of bad outcomes...

Your H could fall in love with the OW and fall out of love with you.

You could fall in love with the OW and fall out of love with your H.

The OW could fall in love with You and out of love with her H or SO.

The OW could fall in love with Your H and out of love with her H or SO.

The OW might not be honest with you about having a H or family or SO and you are impacting their lives.

You could run into this OW years from now and you or your H will feel triggered into a feeling of love for this OW.

You do understand once you've sacrificed your exclusivity between you and your H there is no going back. 

Tamat


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Fantasies are best left at just that. Besides, they're never what you're building them up to be.


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## KatrinaR (Nov 10, 2017)

Lots of good advice here. Nothing much to add, but proceed with eyes wide open. Could be everything you ever dreamed and more or it could end the relationship.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Tabby88 said:


> I recently mentioned to my husband about having a three some. He seems very interested (of course) but he does have his doubts as do I. I do become very aroused at the thought of him with another woman but I'm afraid it will have dire effects. Should this stay a fantasy or should we pursue it?



- I'm all for spicing up the marriage love life and I'm open to anything except breaking your marriage vows.


- You got married to each other, sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. In front of God and / or both sets of parents.


- By you having another woman, a 3 some, that is committing adultery on purpose.


- Once you open that pandora's box, you can never close it again and more than likely, your marriage will end in divorce down the road.


- My advice, have fun and try everything except sleeping with other people......


- What would your parents say? Oh, its cool to sleep with other people while married.


- What would your kids say? Oh, mommy and daddy sleep with other people while married and so can we.....


- To keep your marriage in the long run, don't cheat.


- I'm all into fantasies and I'd love to have another hottie woman and my wife have sex with each other while I have sex with them both, but I might like this other woman more and divorce, or Mrs.CuddleBug might realize she also likes the ladies and leaves me for this other woman......don't do it.


- You can try:


- cosplay
- breasts
- all forms or sex toys
- bondage
- blindfold
- feet
- anal
- 69
- cowgirl
- food
- feathers
- tied down to the bed
- strap on if he's average size (could get a 12 inch strap on for him to wear)
- outside, in the car, in the backyard, etc.
- oral
- porn if you're both into that
- spankings


and the list goes on and on......


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

There's a thread in the general discussion area that shows some of the potential of opening the relationship. There are many threads here that discuss this subject. There is plenty of "food" for thought.

Bad idea if you ask me.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Fantasize to your hearts content. Fantasize out loud. It is fun.

I write erotic stories for my wife specifically to arouse her, about what turns her on. 

We even actually did play with other people occasionally in our youth. But in the end my wife says reality never lived up to the fantasies, so why bother. Reality is always clumsy and messy. Especially when other people start getting jealous and things get stupid. Not worth the bother. Maybe. We do have some good memories of (some of) those encounters.

But we recommend you stick to shared fantasies for several years before you consider the real thing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tabby88 said:


> I recently mentioned to my husband about having a three some. He seems very interested (of course) but he does have his doubts as do I. I do become very aroused at the thought of him with another woman but I'm afraid it will have dire effects. Should this stay a fantasy or should we pursue it?


Asking monogamous folks will give you some insight but you need to have discussions with responsible poly folks to get a much fuller picture.

I have a lot of understanding but I am straight up monogamous. I revolt against the idea and it will color any advice I give.

I trust a poster called @Married but Happy

He and his wife use to share as far as I understand.

In my opinion, you should ask him questions. He is probably the most even headed and responsible poster I have come across on this site that has shared and been shared.

You need a reliable and responsible source of information.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Asking monogamous folks will give you some insight but you need to have discussions with responsible poly folks to get a much fuller picture.
> 
> I have a lot of understanding but I am straight up monogamous. I revolt against the idea and it will color any advice I give.
> 
> ...


QFT


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have done this in my current relationship with no ill effects. We willl repeat this again some day.

For us it came down to a couple of factors to make this safe for both of us. 

1) The girl was someone out of town and not known to us really. It was important to my GF she wasn’t
Out shopping with her mother and ran into the other

2) I let my GF choose the lady we hooked up with. I will be honest here my GF’s type isn’t necessarily mine. That said it’s way more important to me that she is fawning over our third than I am. I did find the woman attractive though don’t get me wrong here.

3) established rules and boundrys need to be discussed before anything happens and adhered to. My GF wasn’t sure what would bother her seeing me doing stuff with another woman. I was all for anything she wanted to do with her lol. So we went slow and I asked my GF to just chime in if something was buggin her. After our night together I asked her if anything bugged her and to my suprise of all the things we did the one thing that did bug her, for just a second , was me kissing the other girl. Now to me this seems strange with all the other stuff we did but it was something that bothered her. I asked why she didn’t say something and she said it went from uncomfortable to sexy in a flash so was no need.

4). Reassurance is key. I think this can be scary for some women. What if he finds her more attractive than me, what if he leaves me for her and so on. I know we discussed this before and she brought these up. I was able to completely reassure her by telling her she was over thinking the what if’s and not thinking about my view of this which would help her be calm. When she asked my views I explained the following.... my GF’s perception is we would go and all have sex. Me (a) her (b) and the other woman (c). I told her I don’t look at it like that at all. I look at this as us(a) and the other woman (b), We go together and leave together. This is us doing this not just me or her...US. Her understanding how I looked at 5is completely calmed her.

5). I spent a lot of time verifying my GF was bi curious. I did not want her doing something that would just please me. That in my opinion would be disastrous. She genuinely was interested in doing some things with a woman and has had fantasies of a threesome. We both loved our experience and will be doing it again


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Let's see-
Couple 1
Wife fell for the side piece and Hubby ended up choking on his own vomit from booze and pills.

Couple 2

Hubby left wife for side piece - wife got the goods and side piece went byebye


Couple 3

They hate each other, nasty deevorce and remarried. Side piece is trolling CL, AM and SD.


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## xitinglife (Jun 25, 2017)

Tabby88 said:


> I recently mentioned to my husband about having a three some. He seems very interested (of course) but he does have his doubts as do I. I do become very aroused at the thought of him with another woman but I'm afraid it will have dire effects. Should this stay a fantasy or should we pursue it?


I am coming from the other side, where my wife is the one fantasizing about multiple partners. I have already asked about this in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/385825-wifes-fantasies-make-me-wonder.html. While my story is a little different, I think the conclusion is more or less the same. Long story short: my wife fantasizes about multiple partners, but she does not want to bring anyone into our bed. In fact, we recently had a long comprehensive conversation about it, and she absolutely does not want to hear about anyone else in our bed. The other partners, in her mind, are "copies of me." Interesting, I know. 

With that said, this fantasy of hers is almost like an on/off switch. Just mentioning it to her turns her into a beast in bed. I have found that the idea is very exciting to me as well. So exciting, in fact, that I myself have suggested to her that we can try having another man with us. 

However, after thinking and talking about it, I have concluded that some fantasies are best left as fantasies. In fact, she once even told me that there is danger she might lose all respect for me if I allowed another man to "touch her." She is right. I'd probably lose respect for myself. But there is more: it would probably completely ruin our marriage, or at least change it from what it is now (and not in a good way). 

So, some fantasies, again, are best left as fantasies. With that in mind, I can tell you we are having a lot of fun with these fantasies. So don't break what's not broken and think very carefully about possible consequences. 

(by the way, I've suggested having another woman with us, to which my wife responded with disgust ).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xitinglife said:


> I am coming from the other side, where my wife is the one fantasizing about multiple partners. I have already asked about this in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/385825-wifes-fantasies-make-me-wonder.html. While my story is a little different, I think the conclusion is more or less the same. Long story short: my wife fantasizes about multiple partners, but she does not want to bring anyone into our bed. In fact, we recently had a long comprehensive conversation about it, and she absolutely does not want to hear about anyone else in our bed. The other partners, in her mind, are "copies of me." Interesting, I know.
> 
> With that said, this fantasy of hers is almost like an on/off switch. Just mentioning it to her turns her into a beast in bed. I have found that the idea is very exciting to me as well. So exciting, in fact, that I myself have suggested to her that we can try having another man with us.
> 
> ...


Is it the same you or different you. Like fireman you. If so I would be down at the costume shop. :smile2:


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## xitinglife (Jun 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Is it the same you or different you. Like fireman you. If so I would be down at the costume shop. :smile2:


Haha! Well, I wondered too, so I asked. No, it's the same me. She couldn't care less about external attributes like uniforms and whatever might be associated with them. See, I think that is more of a social phenomenon than intrinsically instinctual. In the western world, girls grow up with certain social stereotypes in mind. She (and I, actually) are from the eastern hemisphere (eastern European) where, I find, there is less attachment (sexually speaking) to such things. 

With my wife the source of her fantasies (I believe) is more of an intrinsic primordial instinct. I know this, because she told me that she loves when I rough her up (she's always liked rough sex, but didn't always talk to me about it). Then, from that point, the next step in her sexual evolution was ... well, being taken by multiple men, everyone of whom is... well... me. Hey, I can't complain!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

xitinglife said:


> Haha! Well, I wondered too, so I asked. No, it's the same me. She couldn't care less about external attributes like uniforms and whatever might be associated with them. See, I think that is more of a social phenomenon than intrinsically instinctual. In the western world, girls grow up with certain social stereotypes in mind. She (and I, actually) are from the eastern hemisphere (eastern European) where, I find, there is less attachment (sexually speaking) to such things.
> 
> With my wife the source of her fantasies (I believe) is more of an intrinsic primordial instinct. I know this, because she told me that she loves when I rough her up (she's always liked rough sex, but didn't always talk to me about it). Then, from that point, the next step in her sexual evolution was ... well, being taken by multiple men, everyone of whom is... well... me. Hey, I can't complain!


Sounds like you could use a little cloning technology:wink2:

Of course, that may not work out as intended.:surprise:


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## xitinglife (Jun 25, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sounds like you could use a little cloning technology:wink2:
> 
> Of course, that may not work out as intended.:surprise:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwqIdPSNr6E


Oh, I love that movie! I had that movie in mind when I wrote my last post.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you mean the promises you made when you married? To be faithful? To forsake all others?
Its a terrible idea and will almost certainly end badly.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Back before me and H were married (like 10 years ago) we hooked up with another couple, and I gotta say it was fun. It wasn't even preplanned, just kind of spontaneous! We were lucky tho that both of us were ok with it. MANY MANY MANY bad things can happen afterward as the other have said, so I suggest discussing it at length and testing the waters before making the big leap. 

For us, we like to experience everything at least once, so we had our little orgi once, and decided -fun as it was, that it would be best to leave it at that - a crazy memory. 

As a side note, if you are looking to spice things up in a BIG WAY, there are plenty of things you can also do! Here's a few ideas that we liked:
- take a sexcation, go away for a week to an exotic place and screw like animals in every conceivable way 
- buy a sex swing and turn home into the sexcation 
- make a porno together 
- If interested, try some "new" ways to play, I.e role playing, bondage, new toys, explore fetishes, etc!

For many people, some fantasies are best left as just that. Maybe try another one!


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

Hi Tabby88, 
My wife and I have discussed this fantasy too and also have the same concerns. I think a lot of discussion and bounderies made clear BEFORE anything happens. I told my wife she would have final say when it comes to choosing the other woman and on how much interaction I would have with the other woman. I think a visit to a strip club could be a good, safe way of testing each partners reaction to seeing each other with a third.
Our one, mild experience was fun and I passed the first show of trust- didn't screw that one up. We were out with a female acquaintance/ friend and after some drinks she offered to show us her newly done boobs and then had us feel them, my wife did and I did too, after checking with my wife sure my wife wouldn't mind. As the night went on the GF was complementing my wife and finally leaned in and asked if she could kiss her and they did. As I watched I did enjoy it, it was incredibly erotic, but to my surprise I also felt a twinge of jealousy, that qiuckly passed though. They kissed some more, then the GF turned to kiss me but I stopped her and asked my wife if it was OK with it, she said it was and we made out while my wife looked on, which made it that much hotter. This went on for a while, then we left to bring her to her home, she said she wanted to come home with us and I was all for it but my wife felt the GF had too much to drink to make a clear headed decision. After we dropped her off my wife and I went home and enjoyed each other. The next day when we spoke about it my wife told me how she did enjoy making out with her, that was her first FF kiss, and how happy she was that I checked with her before doing anything with the other woman. 
I think this is something we will explore further one day, if we find the right person to join us.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Did you mean the promises you made when you married? To be faithful? To forsake all others?
> Its a terrible idea and will almost certainly end badly.


Diana7, this topic is clearly not meant for your opinions. We all know Jesus cries every time you see a Cosmo magazine in the grocery line.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> -
> - I'm all into fantasies and I'd love to have another hottie woman and my wife have sex with each other while I have sex with them both, but I might like this other woman more and divorce, or Mrs.CuddleBug might realize she also likes the ladies and leaves me for this other woman......don't do it.


You clearly have a lot of insecurity in your current relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Diana7, this topic is clearly not meant for your opinions. We all know Jesus cries every time you see a Cosmo magazine in the grocery line.


Its sad that so many are willing to break the promises they made. Who think so little of faithfulness. :frown2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Different couples swear different vows. Sometimes the words may not even match what the couples wanted to say. I know when my wife and I were married, we didn't go over the wording of the vows in detail so there were things that didn't perfectly fit. (the person performing the service included the "and obey" line. Rather than interrupt the service, she just said it, knowing that neither of us expected it. 

For some people bringing in a 3rd is not breaking THEIR vows. 

I think everyone recognizes that it is a risky move. It does work or some couples, but for others it has created large problems. I don't know if its possible to predict in advance.




Diana7 said:


> Its sad that so many are willing to break the promises they made. Who think so little of faithfulness. :frown2:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think that vows can be renegotiated, and if both people agree, they create a new pact. After all, their promise is to each other, so there is no reason they can't agree to change it if they wish.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

As you can see people have very different, and strong views on this and what is right for them might not be right for you. I, personally, believe my wife and I could handle trying this based on our relationship, trust, communication and experimenting with this. I try to be open to many experiences, life passes quickly and we should try to do things out of our comfort zones someone's. 
In the end every individual and couple has to decide for themselves what they are comfortable with based on their own relationship, desires and beliefs.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its sad that so many are willing to break the promises they made. Who think so little of faithfulness. :frown2:


brings up an interesting point. 

neither my wife nor myself included sexual fidelity in our marriage vows.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Asking monogamous folks will give you some insight but you need to have discussions with responsible poly folks to get a much fuller picture.
> 
> I have a lot of understanding but I am straight up monogamous. I revolt against the idea and it will color any advice I give.
> 
> ...


they dont even need to be poly in this case. what OP is asking about falls more in the line of swinging. 

my wife and i are polyamorous. we are not interested in one time encounters, but rather long term relationships that exist mostly outside the bedroom, as any long term relationship does.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> they dont even need to be poly in this case. what OP is asking about falls more in the line of swinging.
> 
> my wife and i are polyamorous. we are not interested in one time encounters, but rather long term relationships that exist mostly outside the bedroom, as any long term relationship does.


Did not know that.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Tabby88 said:


> I recently mentioned to my husband about having a three some. He seems very interested (of course) but he does have his doubts as do I. I do become very aroused at the thought of him with another woman but I'm afraid it will have dire effects. Should this stay a fantasy or should we pursue it?


If you have kids, please no, they deserve better and parents that would not invite dangerous consequences into their lives when it's hard enough to protect our kids in this world as it is. If not, go ahead and start on a path towards the beginning of the end to your marriage ... may not happen soon but it will.


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