# When is it really over?



## elena2live (Jul 3, 2011)

We live on separate floors of our home, unless our children go to "his world" we only see him in the kitchen. A typical evening in our home is: Dad watching TV in "his world" with the dogs. The girls and I in the family room or I am in the master alone. Conversations are only bare minimum or "polite" in front of the girls. We are way past silent treatment.... I have withdrawn from everything except work since that is not an option. When he returnds from a business trip, my first thoughts are to leave to run errands. But I am compelled to write about my unhappiness, so do I still care?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It sounds like you have both been done with each other for along time now. i saw your other post about your daughter, I think it would be pretty obvious to her what was going on. Is the marriage something you want to fix, or is that what you are here trying to find out??


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## elena2live (Jul 3, 2011)

I don't want to hurt my girls. My family will be very judgemental and angry at me. His family will of course think it's all my fault, I feel trapped. Here it is a holiday weekend and we have no plans, the girls are out and we are on our floors. Love, respect, desire, intimacy are non-existing. I just am lost, with no one to talk with, so here I am.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You'll now it's over when you are moving on for the reason to run towards something instead of running away from something.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

the guy said:


> You'll now it's over when you are moving on for the reason to run towards something instead of running away from something.


...maybe as in running towards 'nice, fun, enjoy'... as opposed to 'fed up, p'd off, really don't want any of this any more'.. ?


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## Ness (Jun 27, 2011)

Your situation sounds like mine. Struggling between the idea of staying together for the kids or for everyone else but us (or you two). I often find reasons to get out, to find an ounce of sanity that will keep you going-hold it together for the kids. Depression has set in and it gets more and more difficult everyday.

Do you feel like you shouldn't care but do anyway? I know I do. After all of our problems (I can honestly say I can relate to most of the forum topics listed on here) I still find myself wanting things to be better and go back to the "good ol days". I don't want anyone else but I don't want the situation to continue. Out of stubbornness or frustration, I find myself saying that I would just be better off alone for the rest of my life than to be in the current relationship.

I've been struggling in my marriage for years. I can't offer any help, but can say the longer you continue this way, the worse you will feel until you completely lose yourself. I write in a journal-and recently found this site which helps.

I wish you the best of luck and will follow this feed to see if there are any updates.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

M-
If your p'd off or fed up you are then running away. when you are running toward happiness then there will be no regret for leaving 

I think if you leave and are happy for it then its time. I have a high value on marriage and when one spouse is not making you happy then you would be happy to move on. But if your spouse is not making you happy and you are still unhappy to leave then more work maybe need to at the very least get you in a place were you are happy to leave.

I just think bailing on marriage and you are so unhappy to leave then your not ready....you want to make sure with certianty that you will not have no regret or the thought that I could have done something different.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

How is it staying together for the kids when he watches TV with the dogs?

Seems like he has little interest in anyone in the house who doesn't poop in the yard.

I have little respect for men like that.


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## enlightened1 (Jul 3, 2011)

maybe it's comfort level... or fear of the unknown


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

You will both know for sure when you both start facing each other and dealing with it. The track that you both are on is a sure way to end up divorcing anyhow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's over when at least one party stops putting in the effort. 

It takes TWO to make a marriage work and if one person checks out, there is nothing anymore.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I have a suggestion......

Test your marriage.

Suggest that one of you leave. If you feel so compelled to run when he gets home, try packing your bags, and moving out for a while. See if you like it. See how he reacts.

Test your heart.. You'll know soon enough.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

I just read this, and I feel like I wrote your post! I've been living in an emotionless marriage for years, and have been married for almost 23 years. I have no relationship with my spouse other than things like "please pass the salt" and "did you pick up the mail today?" No abuse, no arguing, just living as if we're merely roommates. WE have nothing in common, not even our own children, because my husband isn't interested in their lives. 

I've stayed thus far because his paycheck allows me to work at home only part time, and to be a mom full time to our kids. I have an incredible relationship with our teenagers (which is amazing, seeing how some teens are these days!!!) and both of our kids have really good heads on their shoulders and are headed in the right direction in life. If we separate or divorce, I'll have to work full time and I won't be able to dedicate the time I need to the kids, who are partially homeschooled. 

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation right now, except for the fact that when things get really low, I remember that raising healthy, happy, well adjusted kids is the single most important thing I will ever do in my lifetime. If staying with someone who has the emotional scope of a brick means I can raise my kids the way I want to, then I stay... for now.

One last thing... I can so relate to your wanting to run when your husband gets home... I do exactly the same thing. I look for excuses to leave the house when he's home. I dread hearing the garage door open when he gets home from work in the afternoon. I purposely schedule things for when he'll be home, so I can leave. Sad, but true....


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I will never even begin to understand how someone couldn't be interested in their own kids.

My problem is that I don't give myself enough personal time because I always want to be with mine.

Crazy.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Six - I hear ya about not caring about kids. I absolutely cannot fathom living in the same house as your own children and being a complete stranger and not caring. 

Growing up, my dad was one of my best friends (as well as being a darned good father when it came time for actually setting boundaries for a teenager and other parenting issues). I'm 43 now and he's still so important in my life. It hurts me so badly to know that my own children will never have that kind of relationship with their own father. 

But, instead of dwelling on that too much, I thank my lucky stars every single day that my girls and I are so close and that we have a incredible mother/daughter relationship, trust, and respect for each other. I can't control how my husband behaves, he's an adult, but I can sure choose how to be a mom to my children.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Just remember that you are modeling marriage for your children. So they are growing up thinking marriage is about mom and dad not talking to each other, not being friendly with each other, not spending time together as a family. Is this what you want to show your kids?

How did it get to this point? What are the issues in the marriage and would your husband be open to going to counseling with you? If not, go by yourself. Just do SOMETHING besides exist in misery.

You mention worry about how your family will judge you. Who cares? If they judge you for wanting to be in a happy marriage, or to be out of an unhappy marriage, that is THEIR problem, not yours. We are not put on this earth to meet unfair expectations of our parents, in-laws or society. What a waste of a life that would be.


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