# My husband wants time



## Hurtssomuch

This is my first post. 

I just need some support. 

My husband is not happy and is thinking about leaving. When I ask him what he wants he says he does not know, he wants me to be patient and give him some time. We are still in love which makes it hurt even more. I have not been the nicest person to him over the years and he is not sure if he can get over the way I have treated him. I had no idea it was this bad and know I don't know what to do. I do not want our marriage to be over. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If he leaves it is going to hurt so much I don't know what I am going to do. We have 2 children. Please is there is anyone else going through the same things I would like to hear from you.


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## DawnD

Maybe you could ask him if seeing a counselor together would help with your communication skills? You say you weren't the nicest to him, nobody is nice all the time so I feel you. I am guessing he isn't feeling appreciated as well. Check with him and see if you can go together and learn to communicate to each other in a way that leaves you both happy.


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## ladyintegrity

Hi Hurtssomuch,

I am in a similar situation like you. My H wants time. To make a long story short, he fell out of love for me. We've been married for 22 years. He has had 5 affairs. He is not leaving me for another woman. But he has his ad out on the dating sites looking for 'friends'. 

He said he needed space to find out if he could get his love back. That dating these women will hopefully make him realize what type of woman he is giving up. I've been a faithful best friend, companion and outstanding lover to him.

Today was our official separation day. Due to finances, we are still living in the same house but different bedrooms. I love him so much. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him too and grow old with him. But I was advised that we cannot make anyone want or love us.

It is really hard on me too. I pray that you find the your peace while you are going through this ordeal.


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## Hurtssomuch

DawnD

I asked him if wanted to go and see a counselor but he said not right now he is not ready. He says it's like a cloud hanging over him and it is foggy and he doesn't know anything. I am trying to get through this but it is really hard when you don't know what is happening.


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## Atholk

There's almost always another women involved if the man it talking about leaving.


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## Hurtssomuch

He has told me there is no other woman and I believe him. What he has said to me is over the years he lost his confidence, his self esteem, he said I never complimented him and made him feel good about himself so he doesn't think he is attractive or very worthy and now he is starting to get that back.


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## Atholk

Try reading this together. Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books


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## ladyintegrity

Sounds like your husband has developed depression. I'm not a therapist but it would be worth seeking some professional and spiritual advisor for him and you. I've been through what is called Cognitive Behavior Therapy to deal with my depression as a result of what is going on in my life. Ask a professional and see if this type of therapy is right for the both of you. 

Hang it there.


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## outdoors

you have almost the same situation as I do. I feel like your husband. I guess my main problem is i have tried to keep things together for so long. for years my wife would yell and complain I would argue back. the past couple years i just asked her to stop and that if she kept it up she would take it beyond repair. Well that happened. She has honestly done everything lately for fear of divorce. I tried to stay together for the children 11 & 12 but i fear it only makes it worth. each morning it is a chore to get through the day. I hope for night so i can sleep (which i can't) just to get to the next day. we are going to see a conseuler but i am sure it is too late. i cannot keep this up.,


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## outinthecold

Dear Hurtssomuch

How exactly do you have a trial separation in the same house?

Answer, you can't

He needs to move out if he is the one who needs a separation.

You can't have reconciliation without some away time. 

He needs to know if he is going to miss you, miss the kids, miss his house or miss his life.

How are you financially? 

Can you make it without him around?

Once this process starts, it has to run to the end. 

Otherwise, there will always be a question in everybody's mind and it will rear up again.

There is a road of hurt ahead for both of you and the children.

Feel it, cry, cry some more, let it go over you then let go of it.

Your feelings will become like waves against a wall, keep the wall short in your mind so the feelings will go over you. The bigger you build the wall and ignore your feelings the bigger the fall you will have later when the wall breaks.

Abuse every friend you have or strangers or co-workers, keep it positive never cast him in a bad light. When or if you reconcile these people will have a hard time relating to him in the future. 

But a big caviat, never turn towards another man for support, use all the women you know. You could risk forming an emotional bond with a man while you pour out your heart and that would be the end of your marriage.

Always stop short of showing any negative emotion when the kids are around. Wait for when you are alone or with friends. Keep yourself on the high road, no negative comments about their father, never. Keep your morals, your character, keep who you are on the high road. Then you have nothing to regret later how ever it works out.

At this point, there is really no choice.

Keep a journal, electronic like here, or paper. 

People let things go if they write it down.

Most of all, give him space, he needs to be out of the house. No separation in the house, otherwise you become the maid.

Keep the house, dishes, laundry and he gets to play with the kids and then leave anytime he wants.

Usually in life, the woman is the first to fall in love so the saying goes, first in, first out, last in, last out.

As long as you guys do not have the big problems like, addiction, abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, illegal things, and money, although I never money was actually a problem with marriage but it can be a catalyst for divorce.

When he is out of the house, don't call him, if you do keep it short like for scheduling the kids. Don't talk about feelings on the phone, too easy to hang up. No pressure.

Don't ever use sex, let me repeat, don't ever use sex to get him back. It will never work.

Find some place to scream where other people will not hear you. For me I did it in the car all the time. Scream until you can't talk, cry, go to Cosco or Sam's and get big boxes of lotion tissue, it will come in handy. Go there, scream, rage, yell, beat things like sticks, throw rocks, whatever. It will help.

No alcohol, never, it will not help.

The last bit of advice I can give, it will get better, no matter how it goes or how dark it gets, you reconcile, you divorce. Somewhere down the road it will be better. 

I promise. I never thought so at the time, but it is better for me, life changes, maybe he is not forever, maybe you are not forever for him. There will be something down the road. Even if you are religious or not, this phrase of somewhere God opens a window applies anyway or Fate opens a window.

Be good to yourself, I'll be here for you one way or another.


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## Hurtssomuch

Dear ladyintegrity.

I want to believe that the problem is he is depressed that would make me feel better. I know that sound terrible but what I mean is than he won't leave me. We would have to work on depression if that is truly it. Part of me thinks that is what it is but I don't want to approach him about this because I don't want him to think that I think everything is okay between us. I may bring up the idea of going to see a therapist by himself. I really do think him going to see a therapist by himself would help him figure things out.

Thanks


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## Hurtssomuch

Well made it through another day. 

It is really hard pretending things are okay. Kids don't know that dad is thinking about leaving. I am trying to put on a good front for them but it is getting really hard. Just simple things like sitting at the dinner table and having supper together hurt.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take. He has to make up his mind soon or I am going to loose my mind.

Watched a TV program that I watch all the time earlier today and a couple was getting remarried I started to cry, this hurts so much.

Need help and advice from anyone who has gone through or is going through this.

Anything to get me throught this.


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## DawnD

I can tell you that on a few occasions my H or I have asked for a divorce. The last time was last fall. We had a fight over him letting my oldest son ride in the front seat of his truck instead of the back. ( He was only 5 and I was pissed). Out of nowhere my H tells me he wants a divorce. He isn't happy. He needs time to think about what he wants. It isn't selfish to want to be happy. That is what I heard for two weeks. So I said okay. You want out, there is the door. I got the number for a lawyer from a friend, got figures on what I wanted in Child support, etc and started looking for apartments near my family. Once I stopped worrying about him and started worrying about ME he decided he wanted counseling to try and work it out lol. And guess what the counselor told him? Your wife has been carrying this marriage for years while you sat there and let her. Now its your turn. Talk about words to scare someone. He thought the counselor was going to sit down look at me and tell me I was a horrible wife. Instead he sat down and let my H know he was lazy and being selfish. *Gee, sounds like I was right* I will tell you this. Sitting there and waiting for him, catering to him will get you nowhere. That just means you are doing everything you can while he sits there and takes it all for granted.


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## Hurtssomuch

This whole mess is about him being happy, he says he's at a point in his life he wants to be happy and be with someone that makes him happy. 

I think our marriage is part of the problem but I think he is depressed but I don't want to approach him on this because he will think I am not taking him serious about the separation. I would like him to go to counselling for himself, I think he needs someone to talk to, someone not involved with our mess. I am not sure if he would do that. I asked him last week if he wanted to go and see a counsellor but he said he did not want to do that.

I have decided to go to counselling for myself. 

One way or the other I want to get better for myself and children.

I have told him I will not fight him on the separation if that is what he wants. But again he says he needs time. It's like I am sitting around waiting for my life to blow up.

Even the other day I sat with him and tried to figure out what I would need to be able to keep the house and support myself and children. 

We will see what happens


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## noideato20

Hurts so much. Im not saying this is the case with you but my husband needed time. Then he needed more time, so while he was having time I got bored and started doing some snooping. I went through his car and found a letter. I recorded him while he was talking to her on the phone. He denied it even when I had proof. So it wasnt really time my husband wanted it was to stay where he was in the house and with the kids but completely disband his relationship with me. Im not saying your husband is... but if you find some extra time on your hands you might want to check a few things just to be sure.


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## Feelingalone

Hurtssomuch,

It does sound like depression to me. I've been there. Only now I've realized what it was -- it is a fog. I became almost nonexistent to my w, and my family (with exception of my son). How old is your H? Could be depression and mid life stuff as well.

Just remember you can't make him or anyone else happy only yourself. That is what he has to figure out -- that he makes himself happy.


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## Hurtssomuch

Feelingalone funny you say it is like a fog because that is how H explained it to me. He says he is just blau. That everything is cloudy.

It is like he is non existent to me, he is much better with the kids

He is 38 years old and we have been together for 20 years.

I hope he can figure this out before we lose everything.

I can't live in limbo forever.


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## Feelingalone

I believe my w felt that way about me. She couldn't live in limbo either - for I was so withdrawn that I couldn't even talk to her about anything. See I didn't even realize it -- at least he does. 

We are now seperated and moving towards divorce -- her choice. This did wake me up, and now that I have myself under control again and rebuilding myself I have remorse for the pain I caused her. To her -- too little, too late.

But that is life. I have to own the responsibility of my failures to comfort her emotionally and physically.


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## outinthecold

Just keep going, you can make it, concentrate on the kids, they need you.


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## Hurtssomuch

We talked last night for quite awhile and not much has changed. He still wants me to be patient and give him the time he needs. 

I talked to him about maybe our marriage is not the only problem in his life right now and he did agree with me. I suggested that he go and talk to a counsellor about what is happening but he thinks that would not help. He does not believe in counselling.

He works at a job where the owner is always there and he belittles him and makes him feel worthless. The owner is just a really really nasty person. I think this has taken it's tole on my H. I think he needs to deal with that issue also. It is just compounding what is happening with us. I just hate for us to lose everything we could have over some ***hole. Don't get me wrong we do have our issues to work out but I just don't want this is contribute to his leaving.

I have decided to see a counsellor for myself. I have realized things about myself through this mess that I don't like so I want to work on them. One way or the other I want to be a better person, and better mother. If our marriage does not work out at least I will not repeat the same mistakes and I will be much healthier.


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## jessi

Good luck and be patient which I know is hard because it feels like you are doing nothing but maybe the counselor will help the both of you and maybe get a better perspective on all the issues.
A little understanding.......
Wait till you get all the facts before any decisions are made, look at it as an opportunity to get help and figure out what might help.


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## Hurtssomuch

Jessi

I am going to counselling but H is not. I hope he can figure this out on his own. He says he is just numb and wants to be neutral when he makes his decision. Not sad or not happy. Not sure how that is going to work.

I am going to be paitent as this is a huge decision and I want him to make the best one.


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## mumof2

I have been in a very similar situation and from the way you describe your H it sounds just like mine 7 months ago.

And yes he was diagnosed with severe depression. He had real issues with self esteem and was very unhappy at work too, as well as telling me he wanted a divorce with no discussion at all.

H is still here. Is getting help, but is still in his own little world. I can't deny I find it crippling at times, but at least I know it was not all down to me. 

Keep trying xx


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## Hurtssomuch

Mumof2 thanks I guess there may be hope. 

Unfortunately my H is not willing to get help yet. He has self esteem problems and does not think he is an attractive guy. This has only happened in the last 3 or 4 years and I think it has just taken it's tole on him.

I am just not sure how to act around him. It is hard to know that he may not want to be with me anymore. Can't just carrying on like everything is okay.

If anyone has any ideas I am willing to listen.


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## mumof2

In order for my H to get help, I actually went to our family doc myself and talked to him. he actually told me to tell my H that if he wouldn't go and see doc then doc would come to the house. 

I also got info and emailed it to him to read and eventually he finally admitted that it was like reading about himself as he was displaying all the symptoms. That did the trick.

It has been so hard when H acts like I am a complete stranger to him. I certainly don't feel like his wife. I cant tell you it gets better quickly either. My H has been seeing a psychologist for 4 months now and things are a bit better and he says he wants to be here, but who knows.


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## Hurtssomuch

Well not much has changed I am still waiting for H to make up his mind whether he wants to stay or leave. 

His parents are leaving for Florida at the end of Feb. so we have decided that he can stay here until then and he will go and stay at there house while they are gone.

So I have another month of this limbo. It is getting really hard. He is still living here but he is not really here. We barely even talk and don't interact with each other, he is downstairs and I am either doing something or in the bedroom watching TV. I don't know if I can do this for another month. 

I have a question to ask everyone who is going through this or has gone through this. How do you deal with having sex. We have had sex a couple of times now and I try to turn my feelings off for him but I just can't and I can't help put think if he wants to have sex with me it must mean he still wants to be with me. Last time we had sex he tried something new on me and it was fantastic he never done that before and I really enjoyed it. That really bothered me because why would he do that to me. I want to have sex with my H and he wants to have it with me. I can not turn off my feelings for him and just have sex to me it would mean something. I don't want to make things any harder on myself by having sex with him and it not meaning anything to him. Should I have sex with him or tell him no. Please help.


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## Hurtssomuch

Well H moved out into his own apartment on Jan. 31/10. He said it wasn't fair for me if he stayed for the month of Feb. because he still did not know if he wanted to be with me or not and of course I want to be with him. It has been 4 days and I have talked to him briefly twice on the phone. I did find out from my daughter that he calls her everyday around 3:00pm and has been text messaging her in the evening asking how we are and saying he is worried about us. I am so angry at him right now. I feel like he deserted his family all for his own selfish reasons instead of staying and trying to work this out. I love him very much but I am so angry and hurt at what he did. He told me back in the summer that he s unhappy but I thought we were working at things. I would ask him if things were okay and he would say stop asking because as long as he doesn't say anything then things are going good. Then over the holidays he said he it still unhappy and needs to move out to see if he still wants to be with me or not.

I don't want to contact him but it is killing me not being able to see him or really talk to him. I had a work dinner function last night so he came over and had supper with the kids my daughter said he arrived at about 4:45 and left around 6:00. WTF doesn't he want to spend time with his kids.

The times I did talk to him he sounded like he was fine that everything was great. I asked how he was and he said okay.

I just don't agree with what he is doing to the kids or me.

Well thanks for listening


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## turnera

Have you ever checked to see if he is seeing someone else?


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## Hurtssomuch

We agreed not to see other people while he is figuring out whether he wants to be with me or not. I have not found any evidence that he is seeing anyone else. We talked before he left and he said he is not interested in seeing anyone else. Maybe I am being a fool but I am sure he is not seeing anyone else and was not seeing anyone else before he moved out.


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## turnera

If you say so. Just want to point out that, as soon as one becomes involved in an affair, the very FIRST thing they do is to start lying, and they do it so well that their spouse usually never has a clue.

Will you at least check the phone records for the last 6 months to see what numbers have been called?


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## Hurtssomuch

I will check to see what numbers have been called. I really hope this is not the case or our marriage is over for sure. I don't think I would be able to forgive him for that.


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## Hurtssomuch

Well I checked the phone records and his cell phone texts and there is no strange # that he has been talking to. I was pretty sure there was no OW but I am glad I checked to really easy my mind. 

He came over last night as it was our son's birthday and he told our son that he hasn't even had anyone over at his apartment. My H is a very honest man and I am sure he would have told me if there was an OW. If there was an OW I could understand this but without there being one it is very hurtful that he would just walk out on us.


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## turnera

Ok, then, I'm glad you checked, so you know what you're dealing with. Bottom line, we do what makes us feel good, and avoid what makes us feel bad. Your mission, if you choose to accept it (lol), is to make YOU what makes him feel good.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask him to fill them out for you, as a 'learning' thing, so that you will know what you did wrong. Don't have to tell him you're trying to win him back; just say you want to learn and grow, to see what you did wrong.

Once he fills them out, study them. Learn what the Love Busters are - those things that YOU did that made him unhappy. Could be as complicated as unconsciously putting him down to as simple as blowing your nose where he can hear it. Find out what they are, and make sure you NEVER do them again in his presence! He won't notice you doing anything, but he may feel less...stressed... in your presence. Without knowing why.

Then, look at his EN questionnaire and see what his top 5 ENs are. This is very important: you need to be the ONLY person meeting these top ENs. Could be recreation (doing sports he likes, etc.), or domestic support (a spotless house or his favorite meal cooking), or conversation...whatever they are...figure out how to meet those needs whenever you do spend time together. Even if it's just for 15 minutes. Plan your time very carefully, if he isn't living at home. You have to make EVERY minute count! If he won't fill out the forms, do your best to figure out what he would have said, and fill them out for him. Or try to subtlely include questions into your conversations with him to help you fill it out.

Bottom line, you need to make him see YOU as happiness for him. You can do this!


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## Hurtssomuch

Thanks Turnera some good advice I am not sure if he will fill out the questionnaires. The problem is he does not know if he even wants to be with me. He moved out so he could think about what he wants. It has been 6 days since he moved out and we have only talked a few times. He has text messaged me though. He has asked me to give him time so I don't want to push him or he will run for sure. It is very stressful situation, I don't want him to think I don't care or don't love him anymore but I don't want to be pushy either. 

He is suppose to come over tomorrow and be with the kids so I will see if he sticks around or if he picks them up and leaves. I want to talk to him about things but I am not sure how to go about doing it so he doesn't think I am pushing him. I am sure 
6 days is not very long for him to figure out if he wants to be with me or not but I also don't want him to string me a long for a long time and then he decide it is over.


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## turnera

> He has text messaged me though. He has asked me to give him time so I don't want to push him or he will run for sure.


Is this what HE said? That if you push him he will run?


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## Hurtssomuch

No that is not what he said that is just what I think. So I guess really I don't really have anything to lose by talking to him it's not like we are together now anyway. I am just trying not to be needy.


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## turnera

There's a thing called DJ - Disrespectful Judgement - at marriagebuilders.com. It means that you ASSUME what you think your spouse will do. BIG mistake. STOP assuming. ASK.

DJs are a VERY dangerous thing to allow in a marriage. Why? Because you are eliminating conversation. Conversation can CURE problems in a marriage.

TALK to him.


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## Atholk

Hurtssomuch said:


> Last time we had sex he tried something new on me and it was fantastic he never done that before and I really enjoyed it.


He's having sex with someone else if he's learning new tricks.


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## mva

Try to find out what is the reason he is leaving? without that you cannot find a solution, if for pleasesure or another woman. Then you should dig it and find his need, whether he was not satisfied with you. Do spend healthy time with him, when he returns from work, if not, be ready to spend time with him talk and then going to bed together, anything he is not getting from you for his sexual satisfaction, new techniques. Show him that, he will not be able to enjoy with other woman, then he will think twice before taking any decision


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## picket fences

Hurtssomuch, I don't know if you're still reading this thread, I just found it today. We may be neighbours for all we know (although Ontario, Canada, is a big place  

I can relate so much to what you've gone through. My husband told me almost two weeks ago that he wanted to leave for many of the same reasons (and a few more, but no two families are identical). Now, he's saying that he'll stay for a while to see if we can figure things out, but he's making no promises and kind of keeping that "I'm outta here" card handy in his back pocket. Which is excruciating to live with, especially given that we have to make everything look normal for our two young kids.

Some things I've figured out:
-NO SEX. That is the most damaging thing I think I could do to myself right now. What if I have sex with him tonight and tomorrow is the day he decides he just has to go? How cheap will that feel? Yes I love him and want sex, but people have lived without it before and will again. It's not the end of the world. In a nutshell, sex will just muddy the waters in an already very murky lake.

-Look at yourself. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh and could even sound judgy, but this is what I have discovered: a man who one can trust is not having an affair (I am sure that mine is not, as well), who is not in an abusive situation, and who has no other immediate obvious reason to leave, is probably just having a really hard time articulating the ways in which his spouse has not been able to meet his needs. I spent well over a week crying and in crisis because my husband was selfishly and irresponsibly leaving a very good marriage, and then I actually looked in the mirror and got honest with myself for the first time in 10 years, and I am apalled at the millions of different little ways in which I have been grinding him down and failing to meet his needs the way a spouse should. I don't mean not enough sex; I mean basic needs for intimacy, love, support, encouragement, etc. I think as moms (and working moms especially) we can get caught up in the business of life and not even notice our marriage dying until the H is halfway out the door. Take a good hard look, with some help if necessary, and you'll be a better person for it, with or without him. That's the place where I'm at right now; I may be doing too little to late for my current situation, but in the end I'll be better and more whole. I hope 

Good luck, and know you're not alone!


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