# Cyber Affair



## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

I discovered that my husband had an online affair with a younger woman from another country.
Things were not very good between us for a while. We were drifting apart. He felt depressed. Started seeing psychiatrist.

2 months ago he decided to go to another country saying that he is all shattered and he needs to come to terms who he is and "collect the pieces".

Things were actually going better between us but he insisted that he needed to go away. That's when I discovered that he had a Facebook account (which he never mentioned). I could not even look him up because he blocked me.
Then through a friend's account I found that among his friends there was only one woman from a country that he wanted to visit so badly.
I confronted him and he told me that she is just a friend. He said that he was briefly infatuated by her but that has long passed and she is just a friend. The woman posed naked on her FB and she has attention seeking type of behaviour. But they share a common interest - SF.
I believed him and he went to that country. Things were really good before his departure. While he was gone I had a meltdown and asked him to return. He pre-booked a ticket but I asked to cancel because of the cost and seeing that he was willing.
He came back very happy and completely in love with me. I, on the other hand, could not find closure and kept being upset asking him to severe all ties with her, e.g. unfriend her from his FB, etc. He became angry and said that she is just a friend. and I can't control him by telling him what to do.
Long story short - I found out that he had a serious sexual and emotional online affair with her offering to leave me and have "future" with her. She dumped him online after 2 months and they stayed friends.
I was so angry that after all this knowledge I have to live with a notion that she is (as per words) his "dear friend" who helped him to get better when our relationship was on the rocks! Was I unreasonable to ask for this?

Yesterday he blocked her from his FB and she was furious with him. She demanded to be reinstated or else they are not friends anymore. He shared that email with me and promised not to email her anymore. 
Also, in that other country he was not involved with her - she moved on since him 3 times over. 3 lovers in 6 months.

I want to get our lives back on track but just seem to be depressed all the time...

Any advice on how to move on? I want things to work out between us...

Muflon


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Change your email. Change your phone numbers. Demand transparency. Absolutely no contact. Then marriage counseling to figure out what went wrong in the first place.


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Change your email. Change your phone numbers. Demand transparency. Absolutely no contact. Then marriage counseling to figure out what went wrong in the first place.


Thanks Twofaces. He is an overly private person when he comes to his emails, credit card bills, etc. He would view this as an intrusion.

I agree about marriage counselling. But I just wonder how to feel better and to heal...

I was feeling betrayed that when he initially blocked her from FB, he also closed the account. That was she would not even know that she was blocked. I was so upset and told him that that was cowardly.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Muflon said:


> Thanks Twofaces. He is an overly private person when he comes to his emails, credit card bills, etc. He would view this as an intrusion.


So what? If he won't do this, it should be a deal breaker. He fvcked up royally and if he isn't willing to admit it and pay the piper, then kick him out.

I would kick him out anyway. You don't deserve to be cheated on.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It doesn't matter whether or not he views it as intrusion. He cheated on you. It is on him to keep everything open to you, so you can be certain he is not, and will not, do this again. When my husband and I decided to work things out after both of our EAs, we gave each other full access to our emails, Facebooks, texts... EVERYTHING. You will always wonder if he is hiding anything if he doesn't give you access to these things. Now, that doesn't mean you will be reading everything all the time, but that he is showing that he wants to be completely open with you. If he fights this, I would wonder why. I would wonder what else he may be hiding. But that's just my opinion, and experience.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Take it from me, without full transparancy you will find yourself in the same position a year from now. I have an appt with a lawyer on the 31st to begin divorce proceedings. 

If he has nothing to hide, why does he have such a problem with giving up his privacy until you are satisfied nothing is going on? 

Only you can decide what you will and will not put up with.


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So what? If he won't do this, it should be a deal breaker. He fvcked up royally and if he isn't willing to admit it and pay the piper, then kick him out.
> 
> I would kick him out anyway. You don't deserve to be cheated on.


Hi Hope1964. 
I haven't asked yet about the disclosure of emails, etc. I am afraid. He is pretty shattered by the whole thing. Yesterday he publicly apologized on FB.

We have 2 kids and he is ultimately a good man. 

Just this whole thing really shattered my confidence.


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

the crazy thing is that he says: nothing happened. It was not an affair...


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

sorry to hear, Momma2four... 

I hope his shrink tells him that too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HE CHEATED ON YOU. HE does not get to call the shots here!!!!!!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Muflon said:


> the crazy thing is that he says: nothing happened. It was not an affair...


My husband did too. But there was a pic of the OW on his phone, fresh from the shower, in only a bra... plus him telling her she was sexy and beautiful. It's cheating. At the VERY least, it was a betrayal. It was still wrong. He knows it, too. He's trying to justify the conversations, etc. Don't let him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Muflon said:


> Thanks Twofaces. He is an overly private person when he comes to his emails, credit card bills, etc. He would view this as an intrusion.
> 
> I agree about marriage counselling. But I just wonder how to feel better and to heal...
> 
> I was feeling betrayed that when he initially blocked her from FB, he also closed the account. That was she would not even know that she was blocked. I was so upset and told him that that was cowardly.


After such long-term cheating, he deserves limited privileges of privacy. It's no longer a right as he abused it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I just discovered my husband (common law) cheating on me off of the Internet too last week. Like your husband, my husband denies he did anything wrong/had an affair (despite the evidence that says otherwise).

But about,



> He is an overly private person when he comes to his emails, credit card bills, etc. He would view this as an intrusion.


others are right. My spouse is also an overly private person and that's because he had something to hide! Unlike me who's always been open with passwords, my cell phone (when I had one), my computer etc. my husband was closed off, hid things, kept secrets and was also proven by me to be cheating. There's a saying, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." for a reason.

As far as I'm concerned, you don't owe him anything and he's the one that should be doing his damnedest to keep you. Either he's transparent or you're not together right now. He has the right to choose to be secretive. You certainly can't bully, badger, guilt or control him into openness but so long as he's proven to be deceitful and unworthy of your trust, he shouldn't get to have both you and the right to keep secrets. 

My husband is in complete denial at the moment and refusing to acknowledge his affair, betrayal, responsibility to me as the pregnant mother of his kids and he has the right to be in denial (as much as it's breaking my heart). He has the right to continue to lie, hide and play the victim but he doesn't have the right to be with me and lie, hide and play the victim. 

I won't let him do that anymore. 

If your husband is serious about his commitment to you and wants to be faithful, he wouldn't hide things and keep secrets.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Muflon said:


> the crazy thing is that he says: nothing happened. It was not an affair...


It seems that alot of those caught up in cyber/phone affairs think that they are not real affairs. There seems to be this common misconception that if contact is not physical, it should not count.

i have been battling this mindset with my WH for the last couple of days & am hoping I have managed to get him to understand the serious nature of cyber/phone affairs. They are just as damaging as a PA & I think tend to be easier to hide for a long period of time.

As for your situation, your husband needs to be willing to give you full disclosure. He needs to understand what he has done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anyone whose husband has been caught cheating on line needs to get this book and give it to him

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior: Amazon.ca: Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D., David L. Delmonico Ph.D., Elizabeth Griffin M.A., Joseph M. Moriarity: Books

Saying what they did on line isn't really cheating is total and utter bullcrap. DO NOT let them get away with it.


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

thanks to all. 

I had to practically beg him to remove the following comments from FB on her account (they were made in May and they broke up in Jan)

She posed as a model and he wrote:

Magnificent, you could easily pass as a supermodel just with the request was not so pensive.

Her reply: but I don't have to smile all the time, ;-))

Him: Very true as you are kind enough to think of us who are blinded by that beautiful smile that lights up the whole world and then some more. But otherwise magnificent - kudos to the photographer but it is the model who makes it so, as it captures reality (ie not 12yr olds trying to sell something to 30 something perfectly) - more XXX less of others. I know I prefer XXX to all others.



When I found these comments I was so angry. That was already after he disclosed to me that he was "infatuated by her". 

At first he refused to delete them saying they were out of context. It just him commenting as a friend!!!!


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I just discovered my husband (common law) cheating on me off of the Internet too last week. Like your husband, my husband denies he did anything wrong/had an affair (despite the evidence that says otherwise).
> 
> But about,
> 
> ...


sorry to hear. Take care. I know it's hard to focus but just for the sake of your child.

My husband said that first they were friends, then they fell in love and then became friends again.

Friends!!!!!!!! And I was supposed to accept that and live with that!!!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you see the book I recommended? Here's another one:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass


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## Muflon (Aug 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Did you see the book I recommended? Here's another one:
> 
> Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass


thanks, Hope. I will read it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Explore the whole shirley Glass site.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Muflon said:


> he is ultimately a good man.
> 
> Just this whole thing really shattered my confidence.


These two things don't really go together. What you are failing to see is that he WAS a good man. Then, he cheated on you which is a form of abuse and now he's a bad man. He has to work to become a good man again. Make him work for it.


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