# NEED some common sense advice!!



## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I've posted on here before and some of you may remember me. I am married to a man who has refused to work for the past nearly 5 years. He is watching our two children right now but doesn't really do much with them - they tell me a lot of times that he doesn't feed them lunch and they're starving (my oldest fixes lunch a lot of times and she's really not old enough to be doing that). The only reason they're not in childcare is because we cannot afford it. I make decent money but it's stretched to the MAX and I've had to borrow money and go into debt to even live off of many times due to the fact that my husband won't help me make a living. He has been extremely abusive in the past (not physically, but mentally by yelling, cussing me out, saying obscene things about me in front of the kids). He curses in front of the kids, lets them curse, lets them watch things on TV that I consider not for children and makes lewd jokes in front of them.

I do not love this man, though I do care about him as a person I've known for a long time (married 10 years) and feel sorry for him. I am not in any way sexually attracted to him and dread the times when I do have to "satisfy" him or else he will become sullen and angry. He drinks too much and has been involved with drugs.

I have struggled through two advanced degree programs and am trying to build up my career. I desperately want to move back to my home state where I hold a license in my career field. Getting the same type of license in my current state would cost a lot of money we don't have and the opportunities for people in my field are MUCH worse here where we're living. We only moved here because my husband intimidated me into living here. His family is here but they're not close and to be quite frank, they are a bunch of dysfunctional people. They don't have much at all to do with our kids. My family is very involved in our kids' lives even from a long distance and would love to have them nearby to be able to be a bigger part of their lives.

I see a therapist and have told her all this. She advised me to start looking for a job in my field back home and to let him know that I'm moving there and he can come along if he wants to. I'm scared of this because I'm afraid of and intimidated by him, I don't want him to charge me with "parental kidnapping" (not sure if that can be done since no divorce will be filed - at least by me). I have gotten word that my current project will be over next year and I want to have a good job lined up back home by the time the project ends. Basically, if I stay here the jobs are slim pickings and I may be unemployed for a long time. I don't want to file divorce here because I would get "stuck" in the court system and may never move home. My therapist advised me to talk to a lawyer, which I do plan on doing.

What would you guys do? My husband doesn't contribute to the family and probably won't any time soon, if ever. Am I selfish for wanting to go somewhere that would make my career better? It would also improve life for the kids and for him (even if we eventually divorce, there are better opportunities in this area for him, too).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't understand why you don't divorce your husband.
You can also get day care assistance for your kids if you are cash-strapped. If you think all this is costing you too much or is too much of a hassle think about the problems your kids are going to have down the road from so much time spent with such a disagreeable, irresponsible person being their primary caregiver. 
Probably they will end up with problems of codependency, I am surprised your therapist hasn't talked to you about this issue already.
Your H is playing a trump card, which is your loyalty to a marriage. But guess what? What you have going with him doesn't meet the definition of a marriage. He has no interest in having a marriage. He has an arrangement, which includes sex, room and board in return for being abusive in more ways than one. Therefore, it is okay to end it. Whatever it is, it isn't a marriage. I can't believe you are having to wonder about being selfish. Of course it's not selfish to want to support yourself and your kids. You owe nothing to someone who isn't contributing positively to your life. That should be obvious, but for some reason it isn't. Stay in therapy. So what if he charges you with parental kidnapping? It's not like it will fly. If you get a job in a new state and invited him to go and he decides not to and doesn't have a job he will be laughed at in court, and maybe even told to get a job and pay child support. Just make sure you can qualify for a divorce in the state you're moving to. A lot of states have requirements that you are a resident for an entire year. It might be easier to get a divorce where you are. Concerned for your safety? Well, it seems you are really a capable person to be putting up with all you put up with for so long. It should be very easy for you to find a bedroom for yourself and your kids in a safe location and put some essentials there. Or to figure out a way to live out of a car and hop around to different safe locations. If you're concerned about your kids talk to a friend or contact an organization for women that can help, maybe your kids can go to a fostering location while you work out your logistics. You don't want them being used as human pawns or put at risk. The way things are now, it sounds as though you can't make a move out of fear or concern for your children and yourself. When you are checkmated you need to look somewhere other than the board, look down, look up, look around the edges. You don't have to play by the rules, what you have to do is what makes sense, which is not what you have been making a habit of doing, even though on the surface it all looks rational, it's far from it.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Why are you with him?

If I refused to work, I have no doubt that my wife would leave me.

Find a job where you want to live. Advise your husband that you are leaving. If he wants to win you back, he can get a job and come with you...


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, ya'll. I do often feel that if I was looking in on my situation from the outside, it would look so much different and would make so much more sense. My therapist has mentioned to me the impact their daddy is having on our kids. That bothers me a lot. I make way too much to qualify for any childcare assistance and just barely enough to make ends meet. We definitely don't live extravagantly and are renting our condo because we have no money for a down payment! 

I am going to find a job where I want to live. I'm tired of catering to someone who isn't playing ball. I agree it's not selfish to want to take care of your family.


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