# I'm Scared Of The Future...



## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

First off, this is my first post ever, I am new here! I'm also very glad to have stumbled across this website.

We call each other husband and wife, but we aren't married yet. We;ve been engaged about 6 months. We have one daughter (not his bio but he has taken on to be her father.) We also recently found out I am pregnant with our first together.

My husband makes roughly $2000 a month, and I bring in about $1200 a month, but I am a full time student and on social assistance. He came into our relationship with a LOT of debt. I'll have my debt paid off in February. 

Here is what he mostly spends his paychecks on:
- His own bills (nothing to do with the house or children.
- Smokes (the expensive brand I am talking one pack a day x 13-15 dollars.)
- Lunches (he eats lunches every day to the tune of $200 a month.)
- Odd expenses for the house such as groceries (very occasionally)
- Savings (which he ends up spending anyways)
- Car Payment, Gas, Insurance

I feel like I am still living my life financially alone. It's not any easier...it got a lot harder. I'm trying to help pay off his debt, pay for daycare, food for the house, I smoke, but I also roll my smokes which is way cheaper, and I pay the household bills and have been paying for most, if not all of the rent and personal items each one of us needs on what I am bringing in.

Now with the new baby...I am scared. I am scared he won't change his ways. He let me make him lunches to bring to work, and then he just quit. He didn't like it. It got boring for him. I told him to make his own lunches so he decides what to put in there, but he won't.

On top of that, he makes me feel like I don't do anything to contribute. Like I am not valued at all because I don't do anything and that, because he works, he deserves to have everything he wants. 

I am receiving money from Student Aid, and he desperately wants to take a trip to Vegas again this year, saying either I can pay for the tickets or he can and I will give him some of my student aid money as spending money.

I feel so low and sick right now...we haven't had sex in a long time...I have a feeling it has to do with this issue. I'm trying to be a good wife and not complain too much, but when I spend time picking up all the garbage around this place and then he just throws an empty bottle of soda or an empty pack of smokes on the floor right in front of me...it's weird but it breaks my heart...

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice to give on how I can fix our situation? I've talked to him about it many times, and it gets better for about a week or two...then stops.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Dalicias said:


> On top of that, he makes me feel like I don't do anything to contribute. Like I am not valued at all because I don't do anything and that, because he works, he deserves to have everything he wants.
> 
> I am receiving money from Student Aid, and he desperately wants to take a trip to Vegas again this year, saying either I can pay for the tickets or he can and I will give him some of my student aid money as spending money.
> 
> ...


First off, are you open to the idea of abortion? I'm not suggesting it, I'm just wondering what's in the picture, now. 

Second, he doesn't sound great. You don't contribute? You should give him student aid money to go to Vegas? He throws garbage on the floor in front of you, fully expecting that you will pick it up? These are not good things. He is disrespecting you.

In my humble opinion, don't marry him. You will regret it. I'm so sorry for you. Good luck. If it's still early enough, consider an abortion. (OK, yeah, I'm suggesting it. But only it it's early.)


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

Ok, abortion is a no-go. I love this man very much and he's a great man and a great father. So that hit me a bit below the belt. He treats me very well, and when he throws garbage on the floor, he says he'll pick it up when he gets up, but doesn't. He does help out from time to time, but the problem is the spending habits and that he thinks I don't contribute to our lifestyle...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How will you look after your child with no financial help? You are a student and raising children requires money; you cannot use love to buy diapers.

Are you perhaps having a child, in an effort to improve the relationship?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Communication is the key. But as trite as it may sound - seek first to understand _*then*_ be understood. Calm & curious is the best approach. 

You will never be able to reach an agreement if you don't understand his perspective. _I know - he's the bum and you're supposed to talk about *his* feelings??_ It is the only way you will get anywhere. Your goal in the first part of communication is to find out what this situation looks like TO HIM!! (Often - your answer is revealed once you see the misalignment between his perspective and yours.) 
::Remember - calm & curious only. Judgmental kills his willingness to be open::

If you've made it this far (empathy is extremely difficult when you're upset - could take a few attempts but don't give up), he is probably feeling like he's been heard and a bit relaxed and NOW MORE WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU.

You need to tell him how you feel, confess your fears and resentments... make it clear _*you need him to listen*_. Be very clear about what is bothering you. Do not assume he will connect dots or figure it out. Lay it all out for him - as he hopefully did for you. You have resentment building in you that must be addressed. Nothing is deadlier to love than growing, unresolved resentment.

*IF you are able to hear each other*, you should be able to find a workable arrangement filled with mutual respect.
And* IF* you are able to hear each other during this conflict, you have reason to hope for a strong marriage with this man.

In the meantime, DO NOT marry this man. You need to know this will be resolved - FOR REAL. Trust me, and I'm sure I speak for all here at TAM - 
*Marriage NEVER fixes what's broken - merely exponentiates the problem.*

And FWIW - if you hadn't been so clear about you real love for him - my advice would be TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!! 

And kudos on the decision to keep your baby.  We are NEVER ready to have children, but we make it work and our life becomes more meaningful as a result.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wooowwwww So many haters with this baby coming!

lolll Abortion. Holy crap. Ok then.

I don't know. I raised my child ALONE and did fine and wasn't on any government programs.

Wow. I'm sorry. Just shocked about the 'advice' offered here. This is doable. Consolidate your debt, you'll have a smaller payment.

Learn to smoke cheap smokes until you can afford others.

Cut out cable TV and any other "frills".

Are you two on the same car insurance? That could help costs.

Pack a lunch. Seriously. 

He just sounds likes a loser right now. Sorry, but that's the actual factual from what I've read. You picked him. He could be depressed about all this financial stuff but...he needs to be a man and step up. 

Babies are not that expensive. Diapers and formula but even then, the Target diapers are awesome and are 1/2 the price. Formula (if you don't breast feed) is expensive, but you can use WIC if need be.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Wow, TG. You are the first parent I have EVER heard say that raising a baby is not that expensive.:scratchhead: What if the child can only use a certain diaper brand because of allergies? That is what happened to my poor mother when she had me. She couldn't handle cloth diapers anymore; too much goddamn work!

My best friend's baby was very premature. She wanted to breastfeed, but the doctors recommended PRESCRIPTION baby formula for a year. That powder is anything but cheap.

If you think the man is a loser, what good will it do for the OP to have his child? Just trying to understand your POV. I would never suggest that a woman get an abortion, because it is such a personal choice.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Dalicias said:


> First off, this is my first post ever, I am new here! I'm also very glad to have stumbled across this website.
> 
> We call each other husband and wife, but we aren't married yet. We;ve been engaged about 6 months. We have one daughter (not his bio but he has taken on to be her father.) We also recently found out I am pregnant with our first together.
> 
> ...


Dal, you run the risk of your thread being hijacked by pro-choice arguments!!

You better come back & take the helm!!!


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

You should NOT be smoking when you are pregnant!

I would be putting the money you are using to pay down his debt into savings (with only your name on the account).

And there is no way in hell I would be giving him student aid money so he can go to Vegas. I think that's actually called fraud. What a jerk! And throwing trash on the floor after you've spent time cleaning? omg


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> And throwing trash on the floor after you've spent time cleaning? omg


Blatant disrespect.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

throws trash on the floor for you to pick up. Girlfriend......really? This is a sign of disrespect. You have to put a stop to this or you will only become accustomed to more and more of this type of behaviour.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Do not let each others property become marital property (if it hasn't already) and keep your finances separate. It sounds like he treats you very disrespectfully, and that is a serious issue but not really what you came here asking about. Personally, before you get married or pool your finances together any more than they are I would ask for a pre-nuptial agreement - yeah he makes more than you but will spend you much further backwards than you would be alone. Split up the bills, since he earns about 2/3 more than you he should be covering 2/3 of the household and childcare expenses, and if he is not covering his share then I would probably consider that a dealbreaker (unless of course he has other valuable contributions to the family, such as doing more of the housework, childrearing and planning)


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## i.bellagardner (Nov 10, 2011)

He's acting like he's the king inside your house. Maybe you should be more patient this time making him realize the bad things that he's doing to you.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

You aren't married, so stop helping with his debts. You're still in school, right? How long will the assistance last? Are there conditions on it--like marriage would put you over the cut-off for income? Will he, if not married by the time baby gets there, have money garnished by the state to reimburse the state?
Keep your money separate--if he can afford Vegas, don't stop him, but don't give him any either.
You're probably not going to change the throwing trash on the floor behavior. He can change, but you can't make him want to. A tidy house is what you want, not him. So clean it for you, not for him.

Babies really aren't that expensive except for day care and delivery costs. Baby clothes are cheap second hand, there are car seat assistance programs everywhere, and nursing is free. Sure, there's occasionally an exception to the rule, but most baby costs are advertising caused. I've had kids be allergic to diapers, soap and detergent, but that turned out to be fragrances, and if you make your own detergent then it's actually cheaper. Cloth diapers are really not any extra work now that we have washing machines, you know?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Dalicias said:


> First off, this is my first post ever, I am new here! I'm also very glad to have stumbled across this website.
> 
> We call each other husband and wife, but we aren't married yet. We;ve been engaged about 6 months. We have one daughter (not his bio but he has taken on to be her father.) We also recently found out I am pregnant with our first together.
> 
> ...


Its only an opinion, but I really think you have to tie in some basic agreements on financial standard of living into the decision to get married and stay with him. His financial immaturity is really going to make your life a living misery as more kids come into the picture. 

My wife and I started off pretty poor. We followed many of the financial principles now found on popular financial web sites about financially conservative living. It went against our nature at first, but we wanted to live a simpler lifestyle, and be able to help others. I agree with That_Girl that raising children can be much less expensive than most people are willing to accept as a standard. We did it, and still lived well.

If it helps, I'll share comparison. We're now successful financially. Both of our incomes have steadily grown. We travel internationally on vacations and have a comfortable home. We'll probably buy a vacation home pretty soon, with our own requirement all along that we had to pay for it completely without financing. Still, I can't imagine spending as much money as your boyfriend does on the items you listed. What's wrong with a really nice ham sandwich? I work in a building where most people just buy lunch once a week. And why smoke if it costs more than 0.01% of his disposable income? In three years, his cigarette money can buy him a decent car - that's what I'm getting at. Honestly, I admire your discipline, but he has to want to live like you do if you don't want heartache.

What many people don't realize is that the typical person who becomes financially successful by midlife can't even be singled out among a crowd by the way he/she lives, other than the fact that the cars are probably older and less expensive. It leads to a strong feeling of contentment to know that things are taken care of. It sounds like he is possibly racheting up his expectations to make your life more stressful. Some committments we make as a couple are not easy, but well worth it.


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## GioMmama (Dec 5, 2011)

First and for most, if your smoking or inhaling second hand smoke while your pregnant, the chances of your baby being expensive just turned into a reality! Healthcare costs that your innocent, unborn child is going to cost you are going to be so unnecessarily ridiculous on your budget. Babies/children are expensive because you never know what can happen or what they are going to need. I hope your baby is health and your daughter too. Sorry I had to get that out. I hate when I see people smoking next to kids, and I can’t even image why a mother would want to smoke with a baby growing inside her! Google SIDS, really. A pack of smokes a day, disgusting!

Your boyfriend is a dirt bag, straight up! Don’t marry him!!! You think you have problems now? Marry him, and then you’ll really have problems. You should be concerned for your future with him, financially or otherwise. He doesn’t sound like he treats you right. It actually sounds like he’s using you. Vegas, really? It’s a no brainer, NO!!! If this guy is so great to you, then you need to work on your self-esteem. Don’t let him bring you down. Having kids and going to school is hard work! Congrates on that!!! One saying that is so true: “If you hang around ****, you become ****”. Don’t become ****, be better then that! Good luck and God bless.


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