# What had or is destroying your marriage...in a nutshell?



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My wife and I have been separated 17 months now and are heading for divorce, since we haven't been able to reconcile successfully.

Looking back on it in a nutshell, the following were many of the major factors that destroyed our relationship: One or both of us are guilty of most, if not all of these.

Infidelity 
Distrust 
Indifference 
Verbal and/or Mental abuse (real or perceived)
Lack of Sex or Sexual Desire
Incompatibility (not much in common)
Outside Interference (family and friends, but mainly family that made things worse)
Toxic Relationship (Just can’t get along well when around each other alone)
Negative Relationship (attitude)
Lack of Affection
Overbearing (at times)
Counseling (that didn't help or resolve issues)


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Separated just over 3 weeks. 

Lack of emotional depth (husband)
Unable to express feelings (husband)
Doesn't like or deal with conflict well (husband)
Increase in drinking last 10 months (husband)
Depression (several years by me-now gone)
Lack of things in common (both)


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

total disinterest in sex/intimacy and ignoring it as an issue


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Disrespect (on his part)
Immaturity (on his part)
Denial of reality (on my part)
Sex drive (on my part)
Too many distractions (both)


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Disrpect for each other (first him, then me)
Angry about almost everything (him)
Fighting / Screaming and treatening to leave
Lack of common interests
Incompatible Sexually (resulting in non existant sex life)
No affection (verbal or physical)
Family (his lack of interest in spending time with my family)
Depression (me, because of all of the above)
feeling unappreciated, unneeded, unwanted, and unloved.
My desire to have everything that is missing in my marriage...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I have been separated 18 months and it will eventually be a divorce. All of those things everyone listed were certainly present in our marriage. However, it was too much money that brought us to that point. I don't know what the answer is. It seems all those problems erupt when there is either too little or too much money.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

We all lived in the same house but I had connection issues (she did to really, as she could not separate from her parents). This went on for years. I started to work to come out of it this spring, but she has found a "friend" that within a month has caused her to want to move forward with a divorce. 

I'm just a couple of months too late.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Immature (husband)
Not dealing with reality (husnabd)
Annoying habbits that are a sexual turn off (husband)
Give up trying (me)
Different people (both)
Incompatible (both)

I am beating a dead horse and still can't leave.

I am sure you are all sick of hearing from me. I've been here close to a year now.

Councelling is going well, and sometimes it really helps and the relationship is great for a few days... but.... well you all know the answer. I don't know if I should keep on going forward with this as sometimes it is really good... sometimes really blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't know. 5 of my freinds are pregnant. Maybe thats the answer. Maybe I'm just bored with life.

God, I don't know. All marriages are crappy, aren't they?


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## wishiknew (Aug 12, 2009)

Dear MALIBU17 - I am new to this site, so forgive me if I haven't posted correctly.... It's nice for me to read a man's perspective..

Anyway, I have known my husband for 25 yrs - been married for 17. The things that have broken down our marriage are:

1. Lack of open communication
2. His constant need to have friends / separate interests outside our marriage (and his lack of willingness to include me - even tho I have wanted to support him / be included)
3. His wheeling/dealing of finances and insistence on having his separate bank accounts
4. His family - who never thought I was good enough for him as we are of different races
5. His lies or half-stories to cover where he has been / who he has been with / reasons for his absence from home

but most importantly
6. My gut-feeling that he may be living a 'double life'.

HHHHmmmm


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

It's tragic, but unfortunately, it's reality to see all the issues that are destroying marriages. It certainly does appear that most marriages are crappy. I do believe there are some good marriages out there, but they're the exception today.

My wife told me today that she's going to file for the divorce on Friday, because she can't wait any longer...we've been separated for 17 months and haven't been able to resolve our issues, so I'm fine with the divorce. We need closure if we can't have a successful reconciliation.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

1. lack of communication
2. lack of sex
3. emotional cheating
4. lack of honesty


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

married 15 years
lived together 5 years before that
separated 1 year

reasons:

alcohol abuse (me, no longer)
jealousy (me, no longer after much talk therapy)
controlling (me, no longer after much talk therapy)
lack of respect (me for her, not really, but i didn't display much respect)
lack of communication (us, we talked about it yesterday, might've brokemn through)
money problems (i made a ton of money at one time, lived like i still made it)
i'm not going into the problems i think come from wife's upbringing.


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## Guest (Aug 13, 2009)

I think that most marriages fail because both parties involved are guilty of the following on some level which leads to the breakdown of the marriage.

-Communication (Inability to communicate issues with resolution)
-Selfishness (putting our spouses first before ourselves)
-Understanding each others love languages and how we express that love to the other individual so that they feel the love they need emotionally and physically.
-Emotional support and being able to provide the emotional compassion for our significant other.
-Quality time both individually, together and as a family unit.
-Inability to conceive

Not related to my own but could tear down a marriage. I do think these below tie into what I describe above that could prevent or minimize these.
-abuse
-Jealousy
-controlling
-Loss of self worth/Identity
-Financial (though I have a hard time believing this one. Responsible individuals should be able to live within a lifestyle and means that match their income.)
-Assumption that marriages are made in Hollywood movies and have fairytale endings (life isn't easy and neither is a long term marriage)


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## Guest (Aug 13, 2009)

One other thought that comes to mind. Marriage is not a competition between each other. I did this so he/she should do that.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Maybe this will be therapeutic...

Work driven: me
Play or pleasure driven: her
Rigid and unforgiving: me
Selfish with money: me
Selfish with time and affection: her
Arrogant and proud: me
Disorganized and confused: her
Lack of sex drive: her
Inability to prioritize what is important in life: both
Poor communication skills: both
Non-supportive: both
Negative: both
Lack of uniting goals or purpose: both

Hmmm, maybe this isn't therapeutic. I really don't feel any better for having written this...only ashamed, that this is the best two capable people could do who pledged eternal and undying love to one another.


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## gw326 (Jul 1, 2009)

I'll try to list everything i feel that is causing my situation currently.

Me:

1) Anger issues

2) I wasn't working (although i tried to find a job)

3) Lack of spending time with my wife (not going to bed with her when she went,not sitting/laying on the couch with her watching TV).Which i might add involved us not being as intimate in the bedroom as we once were.

4) extension of #2,I was going to College and tried to find a job around my class schedule.She felt i should just quit school to find a job by allowing myself to be available whenever.

5) Lazy at times.Mostly caused by depression caused from our problems.


Her:

1) Contunious spending of money we didn't have.Which caused probably 90% of the arguements.

2) Always felt i needed to do everything with the kids.Bathe them,feed them,play with them.Stay at home with them constantly while she went to her sisters to hang out.

3) Anger issues as well.

4) Also Lazy.She would cook dinner most of the times.However,wouldn't clean the apartment,do laundry until it got piled up,or other things as i've mentioned previously.

5) Allowing her step-father or whoever else to fill her mind with ideas.I truely believe thats why shes seeing this guy today.Because of him.He can't stand me.

Overall,many marriages have these problems.However,even though she'll be 25 she lacks maturity and is honestly thinking of herself at the moment.Thats not to say i'm some saint,but in all honestly as i've told her before her kicking me out opened my eyes.Unfortunately,it seems like it might be too late to heal the wounds we both have suffered throughout our short,yet extremely interesting marriage.

I know one thing though.I'll always be grateful that she came into my life.Without her i'll probably be dead or in jail as i was a frequent marijuana user and drank a lot.I'm proud to sit here today and say that i no longer do any other those.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Just had an argument with H this morning...

He doesn't take the changes seriously, and the changes he has made, even though it is a great step in the right direction, isn't enough. It is constant work, and I don't think he gets this.

We had a great chat after the argument.

So I think that GENUINELY committing to working on the marriage is what gets in the way of recolciliation.

I called his bluff and he laughed. I said, 'you think this is a joke.'

And, laughing a little he said 'no'.


I then talked to him about the fact that if I bring something up agai and again, I am not nagging, it is because it is important to me and that should matter to him.

Silence followed.

We left it like that. I think I actually got through to him.

He doesn't take things seriously enough. 

That is what gets in the way. The term TEAM means somthing, ts not a random turn of phrase...


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## comeonnotsure (Sep 9, 2009)

1. Dishonesty (Her)
2. Unforgiveness (Her)
3. Enablng (Me)
4. Work (Me)
5. Spending habits (Her)
6. Emotional instability (Her)
7. Lack of gratitude (both)


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