# Dealing with lazy, messy partner



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

So you meet someone, personalities click, sexual drives match, you're the same kind of weird. Only they have a flaw (or two). They don't take care of their stuff. I mean like basic maintenance on their house and waiting till someone complains before they angrily clean up the living areas. They drop food on the floor at restaurants and passively acts like it's the waiters job to clean it up (because that's what you tip them for). 

Can a 35 yr old adult be retrained like a child to be responsible for their stuff. To take care of their own problems, etc?

Sucks that I've met someone that is 3 out of 5 things I want in a partner but those last 2 are a big burden to just take on yourself. (like knowing if you move in it will be your job to either nag them into cleaning all the time or just doing it yourself)


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

This is easy. If you have 5 'requirements' of a potential new partner, make sure they meet all 5.

Lowering your standards, moving your boundaries for the sake of a partner is setting yourself up for a life of woe.

Find a better one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> This is easy. If you have 5 'requirements' of a potential new partner, make sure they meet all 5.
> 
> Lowering your standards, moving your boundaries for the sake of a partner is setting yourself up for a life of woe.
> 
> ...


I think what I'm slow to realize is that my gf is just like my ex wife except my gf will cook, do laundry and takes care of business in the bedroom like no one I've ever known.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Mentioning nagging AND a SO in the same sentence goes against my personal belief that this would work out...

Just sayin'...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is not your responsibility to "train" her. If you don't like it, tell her what the problem is and see if she is willing to grow up in that area. If she is, you can watch and see if she maintains it. If she doesn't want to change, then move on. You will not be happy with someone who expects others to take care of her messes. This will apply to other issues besides dropping things or not cleaning up. It will require an attitude change. She will have to recognize that her attitude is wrong and inconsiderate of others. If she doesn't change her attitude, but only works on behavior, it will not be a permanent change and she will resent you over it.


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## droll (Nov 11, 2014)

Let them realize that they are doing wrong, you don't have to push them to do it if they don't want to. But having a 5 requirements is great everyone of us has the right to choose.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> I think what I'm slow to realize is that my gf is just like my ex wife except my gf will cook, do laundry and takes care of business in the bedroom like no one I've ever known.


Well that explains the ex wife. No cooking, laundry or sex gave her a lot of time for cleaning and tidying.

To be fair, they can't do everything. If you've seen a mess, chances are you co-created it. Rather than burn calories nagging, use them to help tidy up - same way you 'help' with the sex.

It's a lucky guy/gal that finds their ideal so it helps to figure out in advance what flaws are acceptable. Then, you either overlook the bad because the good compensates,, or you look for a better one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why not communicate CLEARLY your wishes? She either shapes up, or ships out.

I would try to correct it before dumping her. Your next GF may be a clean-freak neatnik, but also may shrink your clothes, may be a terrible cook, and lousy in bed.


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## neversaynever (Mar 17, 2014)

I could have written your post. This is EXACTLY my situation. The difference is, I decided I could live with the irresponsible laziness. So let me advise you... I married my 3/5 mate thinking I could teach by example or even learn to live with it. It was actually a learning experience for me. I learned that the messiness and laziness were manifestations of other things like immaturity and a disrespect for other people who he seen as beneath him. Other than those discoveries, he was almost perfect for me. You won't change this person but you will find yourself very frustrated and unhappy. So, take this lesson with you when you move on. Stick to your 5 requirements.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

neversaynever said:


> I learned that the messiness and laziness were manifestations of other things like immaturity and a disrespect for other people who he seen as beneath him.


Exactly. If she does not recognize the underlying issues that make it okay for her to treat people the way she does, you will find out that clothes and food on the floor are only manifestations of the real issues regarding her attitudes towards others.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Well that explains the ex wife. No cooking, laundry or sex gave her a lot of time for cleaning and tidying.
> 
> To be fair, they can't do everything. If you've seen a mess, chances are you co-created it. Rather than burn calories nagging, use them to help tidy up - same way you 'help' with the sex.
> 
> ...






Actually the ex didn't cook, clean or screw and the house was still a mess.....but that facebook status was always updated....I guess everyone has priorities.....

As far as co-creating a mess goes I'm not talking about us both needing to be responsible for taking out the trash to the bin....I'm talking more about 10 yrs of her junk in a pile in the garage (a literal pile of junk) and no intention on bagging it up and hauling it out. Or she wants to rearrange the living room so all the extra stuff gets stuffed into one of the bedrooms and forgotten about. Or I take the time to build a backyard fence to keep the dogs off the deck by the front door and also take the time to power wash several years of poorly cleaned decking only to have her open the gate and let them back on the porch to once again relieve themselves at will (which she just waits until someone complains about and begrudgingly sprays it off with a water hose and until then you're walking through a minefield everytime you go in or out of the house).


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

one_strange_otter said:


> I think what I'm slow to realize is that my gf is just like my ex wife except my gf will cook, do laundry and takes care of business in the bedroom like no one I've ever known.


That's because she's your girlfriend, make her your wife and see what happens!!

***Lower your guns everyone, I was just making a joke***


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Cooper said:


> That's because she's your girlfriend, make her your wife and see what happens!!
> 
> ***Lower your guns everyone, I was just making a joke***


lol....I know what you're talking about....but this girl shows no signs of slowing down and even texts me at work in the middle of the day to inform me she just had to rub one out while thinking of me because she couldn't wait for me to get there.... I'm not sure she's going to have this issue.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

happy as a clam said:


> Why not communicate CLEARLY your wishes? She either shapes up, or ships out.
> 
> I would try to correct it before dumping her. Your next GF may be a clean-freak neatnik, but also may shrink your clothes, may be a terrible cook, and lousy in bed.


I know what you're saying.....and when my divorce is final and I can clearly think about the future and possibly moving forward with her then I'll do just that. (which tomorrow is my court date so that conversation should be pretty soon. lol)


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## neversaynever (Mar 17, 2014)

If you feel like you need to try reasoning with her then go ahead. That way you can go knowing that you really tried. BUT, don't keep hanging on hoping she will eventually make the adjustments needed. Life is too short. You are in control of who you spend your time on so be picky. Don't worry that the next one may have worse problems. If she does then you move on again. This is your life and you should be committed to what is important to you before you commit to another person. Sorry if I seem negative but I'm very experienced with quandaries like yours.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Someone wrote a book about using animal training techniques to modify an SO's behavior, and it works. Basically, you reward good behaviors and ignore bad ones, after initially and only once stating your expectations. Of course, some things are innate personality traits and can't be changed, but messiness is one of the "fixable" problems. Laziness, probably not, unless you can find the right motivation at least some of the time.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> Actually the ex didn't cook, clean or screw and the house was still a mess.


That’s 0 for 4. What’s #5? Was the ex at least good at that?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Ok, I"m going to pipe in as a "reformed messy person."

My BF requires the house to be spot free in order to be happy. He knew I was a messy person when we met, but he informed me that was a deal breaker to him. My messiness stemmed from the fact that I was an EXTREMELY busy single mom trying to work full time, raise kids, take care of pets, and do a little ME. Which, of course, left zero time for house cleaning. I do enjoy a clean house, however, and WANTED to change.

He has been decently patient with me, and the biggest positive that he does is help. The biggest negative is that he nags on the little things and sometimes doesn't acknowledge my sincere attempts. I still work full time, raise kids, take care of critters, and NOW clean house. Guess what went out the window? Yup, ME time. But I am managing. And I think I"m doing well. Just wish he would be the slightest bit more appreciative.

Just food for thought!


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I can relate to your significant other...heh.

I am not a cleaner by nature. I wait until we are almost out of clothes before I do laundry, out of silverware before I do the dishes, etc. I clean very well if family is visiting from out of town or for the kids' birthday party, but other than that, I promise you will find a mess. 

This is something I am working on. My husband knew this about me going into our relationship and he isn't that bothered by it, but I know some other people are very picky about a clean house. 

All I can say is that in my experience, the more someone nags me, the less I want to do it. My husband and I are both making big changes in ourselves and this is my change I'm attempting. 

After 33 years of doing things a certain way, it's proving to be hard for me to get into a routine, keep this in mind if you decide to pursue her.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

one_strange_otter said:


> So you meet someone, personalities click, sexual drives match, you're the same kind of weird. Only they have a flaw (or two). They don't take care of their stuff. I mean like basic maintenance on their house and waiting till someone complains before they angrily clean up the living areas. *They drop food on the floor at restaurants and passively acts like it's the waiters job to clean it up *(because that's what you tip them for).
> 
> Can a 35 yr old adult be retrained like a child to be responsible for their stuff. To take care of their own problems, etc?
> 
> Sucks that I've met someone that is 3 out of 5 things I want in a partner but those last 2 are a big burden to just take on yourself. (like knowing if you move in it will be your job to either nag them into cleaning all the time or just doing it yourself)


Watching how people treat waiters is an old measure, but still a good one. Dropping food and feeling no obligation is very worrying and more importantly, so is the lack of appreciation. In future, it might be some man's job as he is the husband, so it is no big deal.

She sounds fine as a lover, as long as you do not lead her to expect more.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I do enjoy a clean house.
> 
> He has been decently patient with me, and the biggest positive that he does is help.
> 
> And I think I"m doing well. Just wish he would be the slightest bit more appreciative.


Do you show appreciation when he cleans? Or, is that taken for granted because he’s a naturally “tidy person”?


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

My guess, OP, is that you will be happier if your gf stays a gf and you maintain separate residences. She will never see her "filth" as a big deal, and you won't ever learn to relax in it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Csquare said:


> My guess, OP, is that you will be happier if your gf stays a gf and you maintain separate residences. She will never see her "filth" as a big deal, and you won't ever learn to relax in it.


Threads like this make me think of that old Classic "*The Odd Couple"*...










That was a pretty funny movie, but in real life.. I don't think it would be so funny.. 

We have some old friends, they are both "messy's".. great people , would do ANYTHING for you.. love them.. but I'm glad I don't live near them, even the outside of their house shows.. and their neighbors put up a fence so they wouldn't see the junk....didn't surprise us...but they're happy ! 

If one is very clean/tidy, disturbed when things are out of place .. and one is geared THIS way..... it will be a constant battle....

My H's mom ...she has a tendency for hoarding.... his Dad came from a family where they could eat off the floors...take about opposites!... how these 2 managed..well he didn't stay home too much, and if she'd leave, he'd be out there burning her stuff...Burning spree [email protected]#$.... boy did that pi** her off...... it was the biggest contention in their marriage...they made it work but they could have been "closer".. I heard him complain about her JUNK more than anything and her complain how he was unsympathetic to her junk...they just didn't see eye to eye..they still cared about each other. but they did vent a lot. 

H takes more after his father in this..thankfully or he'd drive me crazy! 

One may be able to tweak it a little bit ...but if this has been her life long way of being/ living..in her mind, she doesn't see the harm.... I don't know that anything much will change.. that's just the reality.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Not trying to derail, but to answer Kahlil, yes....I tell him thank you and give him a big ole hug and kiss all the time for what he does around the house.

As an example, the other day I was home from work with a sick kid. So I took the opportunity to literally slide appliances out and vaccuum/scrub behind them, scrub the baseboards, clean the ceiling fan all in the kitchen (along with the normal clean counters and sweep/mop floors, etc.) When he got home? "Good job, kitchen looks nice, BUT the living room is awful." (Living room had ZERO clutter on the floor, tables, couches, but needed a vacuum and dusting.)

Ouch.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

3 out of 5 is 60% of your desires. Wouldn't you rather have at least 80%?

I would not move in with her until you discuss how the messiness will be managed. But she probably is not going to change, so you have to decide what your boundaries are.

I am much, much neater than my husband. I do all of the cleaning, and he picks up after himself. He has a den where I turn a blind eye to his messes, and that seems to satisfy his need to be sloppy. 

The treatment of waiters is worrisome--how long before you are treated the same way? An attitude of entitlement tends to bleed over into all relationships.

So my take? Don't move in with her. She can have her messy, unrepaired living quarters all to herself.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Not trying to derail, but to answer Kahlil, yes....I tell him thank you and give him a big ole hug and kiss all the time for what he does around the house.
> 
> As an example, the other day I was home from work with a sick kid. So I took the opportunity to literally slide appliances out and vaccuum/scrub behind them, scrub the baseboards, clean the ceiling fan all in the kitchen (along with the normal clean counters and sweep/mop floors, etc.) When he got home? "Good job, kitchen looks nice, BUT the living room is awful." (Living room had ZERO clutter on the floor, tables, couches, but needed a vacuum and dusting.)
> 
> Ouch.


Ouch is right. Impossible to please and being obsessive compulsive are traits hard to deal with. Good luck.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

if someone is lazy about picking after themselves, they will also be lazy about all other things in life, and will expect someone else to do it for them. Bills, planning vacations,making important decisions.

This is not just about laziness - it shows lack of respect for the other person. Her not cleaning her crap means you have to deal with it. You cleaning porch, and she lets the dog out there right away - very disrespectful to the work you put into it. She is inconsiderate.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

You could always try this
http://youtu.be/WFQ7Nzlzgbk


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

If the person truly is lazy, why would you want to consider a serious relationship with this person? Or do you mean messy and lazy go together - lazy about cleaning up after herself?

I would say if you are contemplating a serious commitment, and cleanliness/neatness are very important, this may not be the person for you. But it all depends on your own capacity to roll with the punches - can you give in a little on your neatness/cleanliness standards to have a truly wonderful person in your life? Although the messiness in restaurants sounds a little much.

In my experience - which admittedly is not very comprehensive as I've only had one marriage so I'm not an expert - I've never had the life I envisioned. It's been a series of compromises, which I was honestly not prepared for. I have a rather messy spouse - in fact he just went into the kitchen to warm up some food which he took into his room with him; I had to restrain myself not to ask him not to get food on the floor. He is not a child. But it has been very hard living with someone who's a bit messier than me. I want a nice clean house and with him I've had to relax my standards more than I liked. Although to his credit he has improved a lot.

I have to constantly remind myself about his good qualities and how blessed I am to have someone who loves me even though he's not perfect. I try to encourage him for his good traits and kindly support him in his efforts to improve. But I have to accept a lot of hard stuff. In a relationship you get the person's strengths and weaknesses and they get yours. Just depends on how much you're willing to bend. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier staying single because I am not very good at bending. 

Experts say not to marry someone with traits that get on your nerves because it will only get worse. We can't expect them to change; they might but they might not.

If you marry/commit to this person, you can knock the good sex off the list because everyone knows wedding cake ruins all that. So that's one less thing out of your list of 5. So if the neat/clean thing isn't there, the list is dwindling. 

Maybe you should keep looking. You deserve 5/5. Marriage lasts a long, long time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Good luck with making that work. Right now everything is fine in the bedroom because she's not sick of hearing you whinge about her dirty lounge room etc. Just wait until you both despise each other because she's a slob and you're a nagger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can tell her how you feel and what you would like. It’s not your place to train/teach her. If she does not change to accommodate your feelings, then she is not the one for you. And I doubt that she will. These sort of things are so ingrained in a person that it’s almost impossible for them to change.

The only other thing you can do is to hire someone to do a lot of the work. And do some yourself. If you stay with her, it would be wrong to nag her for being the person you knew she was when you decided to say with her.

I’d also like to comment about the restaurant thing. I know a lot of very tidy people who do not let anything slip or be messy in their homes who feel that when they are at a restaurant, it’s the staff’s job to clean up things that drop or spill on the floor. I’ve worked in restaurants to and know that the staff also considers this their job. Since I worked in restaurants and know this, I too do not pick up things that accidently fall on the floor or spill on the floor. I do tip higher if a mess is made.

Don’t know about you, but I do not go into a restaurant with a broom, dust pan and mop. The staff has the tools handy to clean up. They usually had a bus boy/girl to do these things. How do you expect your gf to clean up a spill in a restaurant?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cooper said:


> That's because she's your girlfriend, make her your wife and see what happens!!
> 
> ***Lower your guns everyone, I was just making a joke***


Actually this is true in way too many cases. It's true with a good number of men as well. I know from experience that when a man marries, he generally becomes someone unrecognizable. There are plenty of threads here on this topic.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

More so than the habitual messiness, I am bothered by someone who is rude to waitstaff, cashiers, or others in the customer service/hospitality industries. I couldn't be friends with - never mind date someone like that. There's a quote, "A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waiter is not a nice person." I tend to agree with that. Sorry if that comes across as judgy.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Ok, I"m going to pipe in as a "reformed messy person."
> 
> My BF requires the house to be spot free in order to be happy. He knew I was a messy person when we met, but he informed me that was a deal breaker to him. My messiness stemmed from the fact that I was an EXTREMELY busy single mom trying to work full time, raise kids, take care of pets, and do a little ME. Which, of course, left zero time for house cleaning. I do enjoy a clean house, however, and WANTED to change.
> 
> ...


How long befor you get to tired and too resentful?


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I am a messy person by nature. For example, when I dye my own hair, I get hair dye on my clothes, on the wall, on the floor... I do however clean up after myself. Some people cant help being messy no matter how hard they try. But there is a difference between not being messy, and being clean. I clean, maybe everyday, but my room always has some clothes thrown over the sofa for example. I think your partner is over the line from what you have described and isnt very respectful either. That would be a deal breaker for me. 

You cant force or train her to change. She is either willing to change for you, or she isnt. If she isnt, then dump her. You said you have standards, dont go below them. It wont end well. Plenty of women out there.


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