# Cheating......Why????



## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

Hey guys first time ever on any sort of forum and I need help and my friend suggested this website to me and from what I have read so far it seems so helpful and great to be able to talk with people who have been going through similar things and can offer advice. So here it goes and I apologize for it being so long....So last August my mom was diagnosed with cancer and was only given 5-8 months to live at time of diagnosis she was in stage 4 of cancer. My dad, brother and I all took care of my mom as in the last months she wanted no one else to see her that way. Hospice was called in 4 weeks prior to her passing and I lived with my parents for the last month so I could help and have as much time as possible with my mom. She ended up passing on January 24th, 2013, my dad, my brother and I were holding her hands as she took her last breath. The reason I'm telling you all of this is because right after (meaning not even two months) my husband started an affair emotionally in my eyes and turned physical in May, supposedly only one night on "guys night out". 

Now this could very well be true as he never goes out and I spoke with her and she told me the same exact story and they haven’t talked since DDay per the phone records so it’s not like the made up some story together to match. Now she did contact him the Monday following DDay via text and he lied and said he never got it, which I knew was BS and he finally confessed weeks later he did get it but he freaked out and deleted it, which again I know is true because there were no texts sent back to her and no phone calls made to her and I have all bank information no pre paid phones bought etc so I don’t see how it would be possible he talked to her but maybe I’m wrong. I've also gone as far as calling all numbers on the phone records I'm not familiar with and so forth. So when I confronted him about it he confessed everything to me, not that I believe I know everything but he certainly told me a lot and answered every question I asked him. We continued to fight for weeks, it was horrible as most of you know. He wants nothing to do with this woman (on top of it the lady was MUCH older, nothing to offer, children in early 20’s, were in our early 30’s, and living in her parents basement), I however am a great mom, have a career, make decent money, good wife, all the household chores, cook and the breadwinner of the family, why would someone trade down I don’t get it, it has hurt my confidence so much that I have none left. He tells me I’m beautiful all the time what a great person I am etc…..and that it was the biggest mistake in his life and he would never do it again he would never want to lose me or us as a family and he will spend the rest of the days making it up too me, you know the same ole story when man gets caught. I get it he wants his cake and to eat it too but still wouldn’t you have picked someone else, I just can’t wrap my head around his stupidity on top of telling him I can put up with a lot but this was the one thing I would never be ok with, he’s known that since day one and I feel like sometimes I can’t allow us to be ok because of this vs looking at it like yes he made a horrible mistake and maybe it won’t happen again. I’m very stubborn as we can see 

Reason why I explained earlier about my mom: I will admit those months with my mom I wasn't exactly the nicest person to be around and was extremely depressed. I was losing my mom and my best friend so no I wasn't my usual loving self and yes a definite change in my moods behavior etc. After a few months I went to a doctor and found out I have/had severe depression. Before I started living with my parents in the last month, I went there every day to work (I work from home) so that I could have as much time as possible with mom and so I could help my dad with administering her medicine, I would work all day, help take care of my mom and then come home, clean up, cook dinner, play with my three year old and then put him to bed and then have to go back to work. When the last month hit, I would sleep at my parents, come home to have dinner with my son and husband, spend some family time together, put him to bed and then leave to go back to my parents to sleep over so I could help through the night with the medication we had to inject into her. Wake up the next day and do it all over. I'm NOT complaining about taking care of my mom she was so wonderful just trying to tell the whole story and how jaw dropped I am of his actions after she died.

During that time husband was great no worries of him cheating, super supportive and still having an amazing sex life with everything going on, we always have. He even decided to tattoo my name on his heart (which I clearly told him was the kiss of death to a relationship and see what happens, I know that was coincidence but just sayin) then three days later he meets HER and they start chatting I don’t get it. On top of her not being very attractive she had nothing to offer but apparently since I couldn’t give him my full attn. and he was also hurting from my mom he decided to start an emotional affair with this woman, now I don’t know if I can really say it was emotional or more a friendship that turned into them having sex with each other one night honestly regardless if it was an emotional one or just a friendship it was still wrong and he still slept with HER. He also told me and she did too it was never I love you or I even like you they never talked about it, she said she didn’t even know what it was and he of course says it was nothing it was someone to talk too. Oh ya during this time I also got promoted and I was so busy at work so he said I never had time to talk to him and she did so that’s why they talked so much and that I made him basically feel like he wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have time for him, I could do better than me….etc. She apparently did the exact opposite, she gave him the attn. he needed and made him feel good but I’m sorry I was dealing with my mom dying and my promotion to give us a better life. On top of it I realized the promotion happened to soon as I couldn’t handle my moms death and that demanding of a job all at once. It was causing so many problems at home and I was missing so much of my sons life bc I was working crazy hours during the week and one day during the weekend so I decided to step down from the position and took another one that wasn’t so demanding to get our family back on track and my head together again.

Now he can’t stop apologizing and pretty much has done everything to try and fix this (after three major blow outs about how lazy he had gotten already about what he promised he would do every day etc) but how can someone really get over this especially the time he did it, he was suppose to be there for me and he was talking with this woman. We go to MC and talk all the time but I’m having the hardest time being able to not fight with him and when we have sex or if I let him hold my hand, cuddle or touch me I get mad at myself later on that I let my guard done like that and so quickly, it’s only been three mos since DDay. I really want our marriage to work but I just don’t understand how it can especially when he doesn’t even know why he did what he did. And this was so out of character for him which makes it even harder to believe it won’t happen again. Even the few people I told were shocked and said he was the last person they would expect to do something like this and I thought the same as he was always so afraid to lose me but guess I know why now, he was paranoid from his own actions. 

Any advice on what to do would be great, I’ve never felt so lost, hurt and confused in my life……………


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would advise you to allow yourself some time to decide what you want to do in terms of reconciliation. You should let him know that you feel this may, in fact, be something that you won't get over and that you won't be able to move forward with reconciliation. For his part, if he is sincere, he has to do his homework on what a WS has to do to be remorseful and to try to repair all the damage he has done.

Please be prepared for some PTSD of your own. Your mother's death, plus the shock of his cheating may hit you in unexpected ways in the future. Be prepared to get professional help. IC would certainly help you now, but may also be necessary as the years go on and your mind continues to process all of this.


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

Hi Alte
Thanks for responding...he def knows that I haven't decided what i'm going to do and if I'm ever going to be able to move on from this. I know time is the key but wow is that hard with everything that has happened, not exactly the most patient person right now and I agree that I do need to get myself into IC asap. I feel like i'm on a constant roller coaster, one day i'm fine the next day I'm freaking out. ANd I'm sick to death of checking phone records, emails etc its exhausting and not healthy at all! It drives me crazy. have you gone thru something similar as far as cheating? do you think he sounds genuine with giving what I told you only?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Sammy, sorry but you married a loser. You guys live in parents basement!?! My God I doubt you could've married worse! You seem like a catch and during your need he craaps all over you. Divorce this little boy and find a real man that has strong character and can provide you and your kids a home and many options in life. Stop settling for crumbs!! Wish you the best...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

sammysosad said:


> I really want our marriage to work but I just don’t understand how it can especially when *he doesn’t even know why he did what he did.*


What you wrote is one of the biggest keys to whether or not the marriage will work. Unless HE makes the effort to figure out the "why(s)" the chances of him repeating his behavior is very strong. 

As a BS you could probably discover the 'why' yourself simply by reading enough about affairs. For example, most affairs are born out of selfishness. But unless HE makes the effort to figure out that he acted out of selfishness (among other things), it won't do any good for you to do the hours of 'research' for him. 

One thing I CAN tell you for certain: IT ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY IS *NOT* *YOUR* FAULT. 

Don't ever let him blame YOU, and don't blame yourself. It's 100% on HIM. 

Vega


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

sammysosad said:


> Hi Alte
> Thanks for responding...he def knows that I haven't decided what i'm going to do and if I'm ever going to be able to move on from this. I know time is the key but wow is that hard with everything that has happened, not exactly the most patient person right now and I agree that I do need to get myself into IC asap. I feel like i'm on a constant roller coaster, one day i'm fine the next day I'm freaking out. ANd I'm sick to death of checking phone records, emails etc its exhausting and not healthy at all! It drives me crazy. have you gone thru something similar as far as cheating? do you think he sounds genuine with giving what I told you only?


I have indeed experienced cheating and my mother died when I was relatively young. I had a very serious relationship at the time that my mother died & he confessed just about a month after her death that he had slept with his ex-gf while my mother lay in intensive care. 

The effects of things like this are profound because they test our very foundations - what we believe about ourselves, whether we feel alone or supported in the world, what we assume about life in general and human relationships. Really, everything gets affected and tested. This is why I'm urging you to get some professional help. You will need to talk and cry and try to process things. Your mother's death is a true life blow. What your WH has done is relatively more survivable, in my opinion.

Do I think he sounds sincere? Well...relatively, but only because the woman he cheated with is so remarkably 'un-ideal.' It's very credible that he won't cheat with her again. But will he cheat? Can you believe that he won't? That's the same crapshoot question that everyone faces.

The sad truth is that he is capable of lying and deceiving, and doing it at one of the lowest points of your life. Can he reform himself so that it doesn't ever happen again? Yes, I believe people can do this. Will he? Only you can tell what you believe and can live with. Again, he needs to do a lot of hard work to understand why he cheated and how to be remorseful.

Please take care of yourself. This can hit you hard in ways you don't expect. I found myself paralyzed by panic attacks 5 years after my mother's death - really out of the blue. Complete PTSD. I had tried to be strong and just deal, but it all caught up with me eventually. Please talk to someone soon & express and try to understand your feelings. It's important.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Sammy, sorry but you married a loser. You guys live in parents basement!?! My God I doubt you could've married worse! You seem like a catch and during your need he craaps all over you. Divorce this little boy and find a real man that has strong character and can provide you and your kids a home and many options in life. Stop settling for crumbs!! Wish you the best...


Walter, that's not what she said. 

The OW lives in that basement. Not the OP and her husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes people handle stress/grief in different ways. Sometimes they drink too much, some take up running, others have affairs.

You both need counselling to MC/IC to see what your options are and how you can both progress.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Sammy, sorry but you married a loser. You guys live in parents basement!?! My God I doubt you could've married worse! You seem like a catch and during your need he craaps all over you. Divorce this little boy and find a real man that has strong character and can provide you and your kids a home and many options in life. Stop settling for crumbs!! Wish you the best...


No the OW lives in her parents basement


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey SSS----sounds like you make decent money from work---why isn't your H working---what is he a SAHD---if so he needs a job

Why were you having to come home and cook, and take care of the kid, if your H had time on his hands-----if I have that wrong and he works---then how is it you are the breadwinner

Either way---your H probably has a bad complex, that he is little more than nothing----he needs to get himself a job, or start to do things---to buildup his ego---for sure to get him off his a*s, 

Whether you R this mge---is up to you----if you do R the mge---force your H to become responsible, and start doing what a normal producing H would do

If he has wrecked the situation to where you really do not wanna be tied to him---then get off your duff, and move on----YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR SON---your H, knows how to take care of himself---he knew exactly how to go out and get himself a replacement for you---if he wants something he obviously knows how to get it!!!!!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sammysosad, 

I could have written your letter. My mom was sick too, & died on xmas eve, 13 weeks later , my marriage fell apart.

I was left w a 92 yr old father to take care of ,no sister, no brother, & only child going off. I'm still struggling to make sense of it all. 

~sammy


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ironically when my MIL was dying my wife found someone else. I was there for her the whole time yet she choose to find someone else.

Figuring out the why will drive you nuts. Simply put, they are selfish.


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

It is the OW that lives in the basement.......Def would not have married someone that lived in basement with their parents...thanks for responding and the well wish  much appreciation


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

Vega-I couldn't agree with you more, HE needs to figure out WHY he did what he did and out of his mouth it's either I don't know or maybe bc I wasn't given him the attn he needed/wanted which is complete BS I was dealing with the death of my mom on top of a promotion. I think he says the attn thing bc he wants to give me some sort of an answer no matter how stupid it sounds since I've told him he can't fix something that he doesn't know why he did it in the first place.....

So he actually went to counseling himself on Sat (he was suppose to be both of us but we didn't have a sitter and I though it would be good for him to go by himself also especially since we had been fighting so bad everyday last week) and now the counselor wants to seem me by myself, so I'll be going to IC in a week and he will go again also and we'll keep doing it like this and then begin the MC again, i guess i'll find out more when i go to my IC appt.

Tks for saying it's not my fault bc I go back and forth with that constantly to the pt I drive myself batty. No i wasn't the nicest person, no I wasn't "there" for him, no I wasn't myself blah blah blah maybe I caused this....in reality i know I didn't and it's on him but sometimes you just can't help but to think it. Thanks for responding and your comments appreciate it!


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

Sammy3- I'm so sorry for your loss and on Christmas Eve, WOW, I truly am sorry and now exactly how you feel. It's like a part of you died with them. 

I just can't understand why a spouse would cheat number one and then of all times to do it then is the most hurtful, selfish and unbelievable thing.....


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I have indeed experienced cheating and my mother died when I was relatively young. I had a very serious relationship at the time that my mother died & he confessed just about a month after her death that he had slept with his ex-gf while my mother lay in intensive care.
> 
> The effects of things like this are profound because they test our very foundations - what we believe about ourselves, whether we feel alone or supported in the world, what we assume about life in general and human relationships. Really, everything gets affected and tested. This is why I'm urging you to get some professional help. You will need to talk and cry and try to process things. Your mother's death is a true life blow. What your WH has done is relatively more survivable, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


Alte-Your exactly right when you say mothers death is a true life blow and what he has done is def more survivable, it's just so overwhelming with the two happening at the sametime (not that it would have been ok if my mother had died) but I understand what your saying.

That's my problem I know he will never cheat with her again but it really makes me think that he did it at the worst time ever and if he's capable of that he's capable of anything. The only reason I'm trying for myself and not my son (at first I was trying for him which isn't right, I need to do what makes me happy and my son needs to learn that) is because i do feel like he feels he made a huge mistake but he got so lazy not that long after it all went down about showing me everyday he loves me blah blah that it hurt almost as bad as the cheating and I took it like wow you think you can do whatever the hell you want and get away with it. After some blow ups about this he's now been doing the "little" things to show he's sorry and that he loves me but honestly I don't know if it's too late now and I know time will only tell that. I just don't get it and even when he does if he does figure out the reason and gives it to me really what's it going to do for me nothing but it goes back to the he needs to know why in order for it not to happen again. 

OMG on the PTSD that just scares me not even going to lie as I feel like i'm falling apart on a daily basis and I can't imagine feeling like this for years.........people that cheat really are pieces of work, I mean how does one lay there head down at night!

Thanks for eveything Alte Dame I appreciate it and nice to talk with someone who's been through exactly what i'm going thru.

So I have to ask did you stay?


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Walter, that's not what she said.
> 
> The OW lives in that basement. Not the OP and her husband.


Thank you for clearing that up


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes people handle stress/grief in different ways. Sometimes they drink too much, some take up running, others have affairs.
> 
> You both need counselling to MC/IC to see what your options are and how you can both progress.


Thanks couldn't agree more and time I know will eventually help hopefully, i guess we'll see, thank you for responding


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey SSS----sounds like you make decent money from work---why isn't your H working---what is he a SAHD---if so he needs a job
> 
> Why were you having to come home and cook, and take care of the kid, if your H had time on his hands-----if I have that wrong and he works---then how is it you are the breadwinner
> 
> ...


Hi JNJ- I make enough to support myself and son, i've always been very independant so I would never be stuck in a position where I had to stay bc of money plus the fact I love being independant.

My H does work a full time job. He wasn't doing the cooking, cleaning and laundry bc we got in a routine when i was home with my son for a year when he was first born of me doing everything and like i said I think we just got into that routine and it was hard to break. We had numerous fights when i went back to work that I couldn't do everything. When my mom died, then he started helping out a lot more. Now he alway does the cooking or we do it together and gets our son ready for daycare/school takes him and picks him up. I do the cleaning and laundry, so now it's more fair and i'm fine with our routine like this. I work from home now so it allows me to do some more things that I couldn't or would drive me nuts that he didn't do when I was commuting downtown. 

What I mean when I say I'm the breadwinner is I make majority of the money and had a very demanding job on top of it along with it being extremely stressful so I guess that wasn't the correct wording to be using I apologize for the confusion.

I agree with you 100% on getting off his ass and finding something NOT someone to boost his ego! I have my job that does that for me and he needs an outlet like that for him that he has yet to find I believe.

The funny thing is I don't know what "normal" is for a husband to do. I have always had relationships where I did everything so for me thats "normal" even tho I know it's not! And that's def something I need to change about myself.

And very very true about him getting what he wanted! I just need to figure out what i want. I just don't want to make a decision until my heads in the "right place" unless I'm just fooling myself and telling myself that to put it off. This is where I become so confused.

Thank you for advice and comments, I appreciate you taking the time


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## sammysosad (Sep 24, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Ironically when my MIL was dying my wife found someone else. I was there for her the whole time yet she choose to find someone else.
> 
> Figuring out the why will drive you nuts. Simply put, they are selfish.


Wow, what makes a person do something like that, i've never cheated never would so for me i will NEVER understand regardless of the reason he tells me if he even does or figures out why so I don't know why I'm driving myself nuts, like you said, to figure it out bc in reality it isn't going to fix anything for me and it is what you said pure selfishness and having their cake and eating it too at least in my husbands case as he wants to be wtih me and not her and then to get my name tattooed on your heart really why would you do that and then cheat on me, it's so confusing! :scratchhead:

However I do believe tho it is something he needs to figure out regardless if we stay together or not. 

When you found out what she did what did you guys end up doing? That's even more of BS as you were there for her in her time of need for one of the hardest things she'll ever go through and to toss someone like you aside like that is mouth dropping, so sorry you went through that! Some people really do suck!


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