# What do to when in the fog?



## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

Ok, so I've been reading about being "in the fog" on this forum. Yes, I'm in the fog right now (please don't judge me).

So the first step they say is to initiate NC. Then what? Just wait it out until "the fog" clears? What usually happens during this time while you are still married, hoping to make it work but your head is still in "the fog"?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Speaking as one whose wife was in the fog, of course, no contact, including a no contact letter to the AP. Straight and to the point, with no affection or regret. You can't get out of the fog until you do.

You don't mention if your spouse knows or not. If he she/does, you have a lot of other things to worry about. Namely saving your marriage, if that's what you choose to do. 

Try to devote the same energy to your marriage that you spent on your AP. Understand that once you begin an affair, all the marital issues are on you. You are the cause of them. 

Focus on your partner and "fake it till you make it" if that's what you have to do.

Otherwise it's hard to give you much advice with as little information as you've provided.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Does your spouse know yet?


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

Spouse does not know.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Targ said:


> Yes, I'm in the fog right now (please don't judge me).


No offense Targ, but you _need_ to be judged. You obviously haven't been judgemental enough on yourself, your values or your boundries or you wouldn't be here right?.

Ironically, You should probably be asking for a swift smack across the nose. A dose of reality. Believe it or not, that's the best way to lift this 'fog' and bring you to your senses before it's too late. 

There a link in my sig that has a little more info if you haven't already read it.

Please provide more details about your situation.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Targ said:


> Spouse does not know.


Telling him now would be the best way to jumpstart this fogbusting.

Not to mention a good way to start being honest and morally centered again.


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

I am also male. My spouse is my wife. I will try to provide more details when I can. Not really feeling in the best of moods right now.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If you know you are in the fog, then I would say that you're really NOT in the fog or you're already beginning to come out. This is a good thing. People truly in the "fog", deny they are in the fog; everything is rosy and their AP is their soulmate. If you're trying to go NC, you already know that your AP is NOT your soulmate - so you're coming out of the fog.

First step would be to talk to your spouse - honestly. Better to find out from you vs finding out on his/her own. Then see what he/she would like you to do.

Do NOT hide this from your spouse. That will create untold damage when he/she finally finds out.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Targ said:


> I am also male. My spouse is my wife. I will try to provide more details when I can. Not really feeling in the best of moods right now.


I had a 50/50 shot at it.


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

Cedarman, the reason I believe I am well and truly in the fog (although maybe not 100% since I admit it) is because lately I have become a lot less tolerant with my wife's flaws.

Flaws that I have lived with for the last few years I now have little time for and do not want to put up with anymore.

I really don't know if it's because I've actually had enough or whether it's because my head is in the fog and her inadequacies have become magnified as a result.

I just think I need a few months to get my head straight and figure things out.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Me and my wife post here,she was fogged up also,I took steps to get her out of it and she realised what a stupid fantasy she was in.
Talk to your wife and let her know.
The pain is much worse if she finds out.
I would have been able to deal with it better if I didnt have to pull it out of her.
Being betrayed sucks but it doesnt mean you both cant come out of this stronger
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Targ said:


> Cedarman, the reason I believe I am well and truly in the fog (although maybe not 100% since I admit it) is because lately I have become a lot less tolerant with my wife's flaws.
> 
> Flaws that I have lived with for the last few years I now have little time for and do not want to put up with anymore.
> 
> ...


Targ,

I feel like you are a golf ball on a tee at the first tee box of my favorite golf course. Oh, it would be so easy to crush this one!

Using great restraint, I would like to ask you if you might consider that you may be slightly flawed too?

Maybe your wife doesn't deserve your "flaw" either. Divorce? That would be more honorable.

Good luck! I am glad you are stepping up at this point.


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

Yes, I am very flawed. I admit it. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't to put with my **** and to just get this marriage over and done with. But because I'm in the fog, I'm just afraid I might be making an emotional decision with my head not screwed on straight.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Targ: these feelings are common in a marriage, especially any long-term relationship. You go through periods where all you see are flaws.

I know, in my case, there was a short period (probably after 14 years of marriage and two kids) where one day I realized that even the way my wife chewed her food bugged me. I was just not attracted to her. But I didn't go off and cheat - I stuck it out, and rebuilt my attachment over the next year. Worked on US. The same thing happened to my wife years later, but instead of re-building her attachment, she invested all of her emotional energy into an EA. She invested OUTSIDE the marriage and has never come out of the fog.

You need to really have a talk with your wife. Then get into MC and IC because you're both going to need help to get through this IF your marriage is to survive. If not, maybe you need to separate?


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

Separate as in divorce? Or just time out from each other? I think that (separation, without divorce) would be a disaster for our marriage seeing as I'm likely to stray if that happens.

Edit: Oh, by the way, I'm not talking just little quirks like the way she chews her food when I say flaws. I'm talking bigger issues like fights, money/control issues, etc. And like I said, I don't know if they are issues that will really drive us apart, or whether I just feel that way because of the fog.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Targ said:


> Separate as in divorce? Or just time out from each other? I think that (separation, without divorce) would be a disaster for our marriage seeing as I'm likely to stray if that happens.
> 
> Edit: Oh, by the way, I'm not talking just little quirks like the way she chews her food when I say flaws. I'm talking bigger issues like fights, money/control issues, etc. And like I said, I don't know if they are issues that will really drive us apart, or whether I just feel that way because of the fog.


My wife actually chews her food quite normally. Just sometimes you go through a stage where EVERYTHING they do bugs you. I was just trying to make a point that in a long-term relationship there are ups and downs and you make it through by sticking to and investing in the relationship. When you don't, it breaks down. Fights, money/control issues - I don't want to over-simplify or make light of them - but it really boils down to communication. I know my wife and I didn't communicate well and when we had arguments, we both said things we regret. Learning how to communicate (or re-learning) is very important. Maybe the flaws would disappear with better communication.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As I understand the term 'the fog,' it means that you are in the throes of an infatuation with a woman other than your W. This then colors everything else. Is this what you are talking about re your fog? Is this why you think people will judge you? That you are having an affair? Or have just cut one off?


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> As I understand the term 'the fog,' it means that you are in the throes of an infatuation with a woman other than your W. This then colors everything else. Is this what you are talking about re your fog?


Yes. I'm afraid I might do something stupid when my head is being messed around by this fog.



alte Dame said:


> Is this why you think people will judge you? That you are having an affair? Or have just cut one off?


Yes. About to end it. Just need to clear my head so I can think straight.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are you the one ending it or your OW? (This isn't just salacious curiosity; it makes a difference in how people would advise.)


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## Targ (Dec 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Are you the one ending it or your OW? (This isn't just salacious curiosity; it makes a difference in how people would advise.)


Probably mutual. We both know this isn't sustainable over the long term.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK. Well, what you know, since you've been reading, is that the fog is essentially a chemical effect that encourages mating, if you will. In order to get out of it, you have to take yourself completely away from the stimulus, which is your OW. This is why people say that you have to institute absolute no contact rules - this means nothing, no talking, texting, e-mails, waving as ships passing in the night, etc. This is to take the stimulus away for the physical reaction.

Then, general wisdom says you have a chance of coming out of the infatuation and starting to 'see' your spouse again.

The irritation you feel with your W could very well be organic to the two of you, but could also just be the fact that she's now the interloper in your fevered mind, so you just don't really like her much. As you gain distance from the OW, you should make a real effort to spend the time with your W that you spent on your affair. I think the time it takes to have any clarity is variable. Others will chime in here on all of this.

In general, though, you first have absolute NC, then you make an effort to honor your W, then you try to gauge your feelings about your marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, no contact means moving out of the work environment you are in if your OW is a coworker.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One more thing  - You know that people here will say that you should tell your W the truth. Just saying.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

is it physical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Targ said:


> Yes, I am very flawed. I admit it. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't to put with my **** and to just get this marriage over and done with. But because I'm in the fog, I'm just afraid I might be making an emotional decision with my head not screwed on straight.


Yes, go NC. Detox from the high of the affair, from OW. With a little time and your active participation (time itself won't fix a thing if you indulge in feeding the fantasy) then you will think more clearly, your perception will change as it changed when you started crossing boundaires.
NC letter, block OW from any ways to comunication, get rid of reminders, gifts, mementoes, whatever. Renounce.

Give yourself 3 months, then think hard about what you need for the marriage to improve, sit down with your wife, confess your affair and deal with it. If she wants to give it a try then you work on whatever issues you have. But please, don't blame her for your poor choices, the affair is 100 in your sholders.


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