# Should I tell WS about my meeting with OM?



## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

I am seeking advice from the forum on whether I should tell my wife about my meeting with the OM from her EA.

Here's the background:

This summer discovered a 6-year EA wife was having with old boyfriend. Contact had stopped months earlier, but I saw emails dating back to 2005. He is several hundred miles away and things did not progress to a PA (independently verified by their correspondence). In fact, the intimacy of the EA was winding down last couple of years. 

There is a history with this guy, however, that included an almost affair 20+ years ago. After that episode they agreed on NC, which lasted for the next 15 years. Much of their EA exchanges were about what their life together might have been like, reminiscences of their love affair nearly 30 years ago, and some intimate (though not highly sexually charged) banter. There were also sporadic phone calls, though again, much fewer and farther between after about 2007. 

After discovery we spent a lot of time discussing our relationship and how he and this most recent situation fit into it. We are in R, and have begun MC. I am also in IC. She has been remorseful, loving, open and transparent. There has been NC since d-day, which I have verified to the best of my ability. Things are progressing along a good path and I feel like we have a real shot of making our marriage strong--and much better than it's ever been. 

A few weeks after d-day I had a meeting near where the OM lived and worked. I paid an unannounced visit to his place of employment and confronted him there. I told him I knew of everything that had transpired and told him to stay away from my wife--physically and virtually. That was a few months ago. I can't tell you how empowering that visit was for me. It helped me regain my confidence as a man and as the only man in our marriage. I did not tell my wife of this meeting, though I have been tempted to tell her several times. 

Question: should I just keep this meeting to myself or tell my wife? If the latter, should I try to bring it up in the context of our MC or outside? 

My motivation for telling her would be to eliminate a secret I've been keeping and to let her know that I've confronted this "ghost" in our marriage, head-on. She could see that as a positive indication of my "manning up" to stake my claim and reclaim my relationship with my wife. On the other hand, she might be angry that I hid this meeting from her for months and she might feel like I was poking a sleeping bear by bringing up their "dead" EA with this guy.

Thanks for any wisdom and guidance you can share.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Tell her. If she gets upset...oh well. Tell her it was something you had to do to get back what what taken from you. (self esteem)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to tell your wife?

Have you ever confronted her about the EA?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I say don't tell her. She doesn't need to know.

If she knows, she might contact him. Right now she might think he isn't contacting her because he has lost interest. If you tell her you visited him, she might think she needs to contact him, because he is scared of contacting her.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi Jelly:

I do have the urge to tell my wife in part for the reason Joe Kidd cites. I did confront her which is why we are trying to reconcile, in MC, etc. 

I am just not sure if my need to tell her about the meeting outweighs the potential negative reactions she could have.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

She has had her ego stroked enough. She does not need to see two guys battling over her.
And, the motivation for abiding by her agreement about NC should come from within her vs external forces like a confrontation with the OM.
BTW, has this guy's wife)if he has one) been informed? She needs to know.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks SadSam. I have also had that very same thought. Better to leave a sleeping dog lie or not?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you want to tell her, I say go for it.

It will prob burst the fantasy of the affair for her in a new way. Right now only she communicated with him. Knowing that you have too, will make the entire thing lose it's luster.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Arnold is right. The OMW should be told of the affair.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a tough one. I would likely not tell her. And if she found out, I would say, "that was between me and him, man to man. I took care of it, and it's done."


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> This is a tough one. I would likely not tell her. And if she found out, I would say, "that was between me and him, man to man. I took care of it, and it's done."


I agree with the reasons Arnold listed for not telling her but if she finds out, I think this is how you should handle it.

But it is your decision in the end.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Which way you go, I don't think it would change the big picture. Each has its own pro/cons.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts on this complex situation. I am inclined not to say anything to my WS, at least for the time being. I recently restarted IC and will ask my therapist her opinion as well. I also think this may come out in MC, which we will start in January. 

For now, I will keep choking back the urge to tell her. Any other thoughts are still welcome, however.

Thanks again and good luck to all who are dealing with the same heartache I am wrestling with.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is there any chance that the OM might tell her of your confrontation?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Good for you! I am constantly amazed when reading things like this, when the BS confronts/exposes the OM/OW...! If only I'd had a clue that you could actually DO this when I was being cheated on! Instead, I slunk off, with my tail between my legs and let them both get away with it...phuckers!!!


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

F-102--there is that possibility, but I think it's remote. I warned him of repercussions if he did so. For one thing, he works for a government entity and I have copies of emails to/from his work email address that are clearly not governmental business. At a minimum, the sunshine laws in his state could cause him and his employer some embarrassment. At the extreme it could cost him his job.

Candie--in my case there is other history involving this guy that I couldn't ignore. It wasn't so much an act of courage as it was an act of self-preservation--for my dignity and self-respect.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> It wasn't so much an act of courage as it was an act of self-preservation--for my dignity and self-respect.


More BS's should take this initiative... it puts a face on the injured party and injects a dose of reality in these scumbags.:smthumbup:


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Stilltrying

I assume you demanded your wife go NC with OM and you confronted OM in private.

Don't tell your wife! If she questions or confronts you about meeting with OM you will have proof positive that one of them broke NC!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I learn more everyday on here! Love it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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