# Unaffectionate Wife



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

I have no idea what to do. There is a complete lack of affection in my marriage on the part of my wife. I'm not just talking sex, but affection of any kind - hugging, kissing, hand holding... not even the occasional 'I Love You'. I'm the one that has to initiate any and all affection, or it doesn't happen. Even then, I'm more often than not unsuccessful. I got tired of being constantly shut down, so I've stopped trying. It is like we're just roommates. 

It has been the same for the past two years; ever since the birth of our son. I have always been the more affectionate one, but this is a whole new low. We're both in our mid-thirties, married for 11 years with one child.

I have tried countless times to discuss it with her, but it's like talking to the wall. I will lay my heart out and tell her that I am concerned, and I would love it if we could work on our marriage. I explain my thoughts in the hope that she would take it seriously and work with me to give our relationship it's due attention. She usually just sits there and says absolutely nothing; and after a very long and uncomfortable silence, she finds an excuse to avoid it and finds something else to do. When I am able to get her to speak, she is always defensive. Claims she doesn't see a problem. Constantly says, "I don't believe it" or "That's not true". I pointed out we had only had sex 4 times in the past two years, to which she denied and said it was a lot more than that. I have suggested counselling, but as I said, she does not see a problem.

When I speak to her about it, I emphasize that I am not blaming her in any way. It is a challenge WE are facing together, and it is something that we both need to work on. We both need to be completely open and honest with each other, but she is closed off. Communication has never been her strong suit. She has put in a weak halfhearted effort once or twice, but it never last very long.

I am also not happy with the way she treats me. I can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. She will nitpick, and is overly critical of everything I do. It is never good enough. My thoughts and opinions do not carry any weight. I have offered advice, which she criticized; only to have her friend say the exact same thing word for word, and then she acts like it's the best advice she's ever been given.

I'm depressed. I feel completely inadequate and unappreciated. My concerns are not taken seriously. Before anyone suggests it, and without getting into details, I know with 100% certainty that she isn't cheating. I really have no clue what to do.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi, sorry you're in this situation in your marriage. 
What was the relationship like before the birth of your son? 
Was there more affection then? 

It sounds like there is some resentment here, by the way she seems over critical & nitpicking.
What exactly does she be critical about? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frakes said:


> *I'm depressed. I feel completely inadequate and unappreciated. *My concerns are not taken seriously. Before anyone suggests it, and without getting into details, I know with 100% certainty that she isn't cheating. I really have no clue what to do.


Being depressed is a harsh black-light spotlight to stand under. In order to climb out of the hole you will need willing legs and a laddered plan. 

1) If she does a 180 and throws you a life-line, this will certainly help. It is not likely going to happen.

2) I think she is depressed also. She may need medication to perk her up. Post Partum Depression...Ok...but does it last two years, or more? Will she go to a MD for her depression?

3) You both need Marriage Counseling [MC]. She needs to participate and seems NOT to be interested. Not good. This tells me that she has left the marriage and in a de-facto Limbo phase.

4) For a marriage to work, both parties must want it to work. She does not care and You are not Barney Cupid III with the bow and love arrows. You do not know how to make Love-Potion #9. 

5) You have asked...What is the problem?...Her answer?..the problem is in your head. Having a full sack is not her problem.

6) How is she with the baby? Is she happy being a Mommy? 

7) Is she upset with limitations that come with motherhood? Did she like to party and socialize prior to the baby being born. Is she a good mother, or does she just go through the motions?

8) Does she have friends and family for support? How are these relationships, does she deal with others normally? 

9) Some women only want children to love. The man brings the seed, she brings the egg. Once the child is born.....you are NOT needed anymore. Thanks, but no thanks Charlie!

10) You have presented yourself In a good light. Are there any shadows that you have not shown us. What are your faults? We all have some.

11) You say that you are 100% sure she is not cheating. Some of her actions are red flags. Classic red flags. I do not know your situation.


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

She has always been awkward with affection. I think it stems from her parents poor relationship.

Before our son, she did show affection. Hugs and kisses, and other stuff. Sex was a challenge but she was willing to work at it with me. Now she has no interest.

She also has a short fuse. It doesn't take much to upset her.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

frakes said:


> She has always been awkward with affection. I think it stems from her parents poor relationship.
> 
> Before our son, she did show affection. Hugs and kisses, and other stuff. Sex was a challenge but she was willing to work at it with me. Now she has no interest.
> 
> She also has a short fuse. It doesn't take much to upset her.


Has she seen a gynecologist? There could be lots of reasons for this. Her not wanting to talk about it is a major clue.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@frakes what is she critical about when she is mad at you? 
Could it be post natal depression? 
Are you helping with your son & doing much chores around the house? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

She nitpicks and is critical of almost everything. If I dress our son she will complain about my choice of clothing. If I clean his room she will get upset that everything is not exactly where she wants it. She complains that we are struggling financially, then gets upset when I put in more time at work. She will complain that I don't do the laundry, but when I do she is angry that it isn't folded right. You name it and she will complain, criticise or nitpick. Regarless of what I do, its not good enough.


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

Why ask about her gynocologist?


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

Two years is a little long for post natal depression, isn't it?


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

frakes said:


> She has always been awkward with affection. I think it stems from her parents poor relationship.
> 
> Before our son, she did show affection. Hugs and kisses, and other stuff. Sex was a challenge but she was willing to work at it with me. Now she has no interest.
> 
> She also has a short fuse. It doesn't take much to upset her.


Well...

How touchy feely is she with your kid?

There are a handful of reasons touch freaks people out, ranging from sensory integration issues to CSA to autism to sensory defensiveness, none of them good.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@frakes wow she's given you a hard time alright. 
It's usual that you guys never tell each other "I love you"
Why is she so cold towards you? 
Why doesn't she even engage in conversation? 
There is always a reason. 
What do your instincts/gut say about the whole thing? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

frakes said:


> Two years is a little long for post natal depression, isn't it?


Depression can last years (speaking from experience here) if left untreated. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My husband is the very same. Was your wife this way while dating? My husband was. I tried to hold his hand and he dropped it. I told him I loved him and he told me that he could not tell me that yet but it never came. He was not one to hug or cuddle. I was evern the one initiating sex. I would ask my husband if he loved me and he reassured me he did. I focused on our step family, we married with 4 kids, his and mine. Things never changed, never got better and in fact while being ignored he started seeking other women. I am now divorcing him after 24 years of marriage. I think there are those who cannot show affection and then then those who can and when we are put together it simply does not work. he cannot be close....he wants attention which he seeks from other women and he wants sex but the hand holding is not important. For me these are the things that make me want to be close. Good luck!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frakes said:


> She has always been awkward with affection. I think it stems from her parents poor relationship.
> 
> Before our son, she did show affection. Hugs and kisses, and other stuff. Sex was a challenge but she was willing to work at it with me. Now she has no interest.
> 
> She also has a short fuse. It doesn't take much to upset her.


Sounds remarkably similar to my wife, who has High Functioning Asperger's.

Has your wife been diagnosed?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Being with a cold unaffectionate woman in a sexless marriage sounds awful. When you throw in that she looks for things to fight about, perfect excuse to avoid intimacy, you have intolerable situation. 

Could she have had an affair or worse yet still be having one? When women have affairs, they detach from husband and majority of the time are not able to reconnect with their husband because they secretly still pine away for the OM. If an affair is still taking place, they usually stop having sex with their husband so they can remain loyal to their man.

It makes sense to rule out adultery. Even if she hasn't betrayed you, she's abandoned her wifely role. It sounds like it way past time for you to assess whether or not you want to endure a loveless marriage for the rest of your life.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

The marriage may be dead but a few things you should do first. 

Eliminate any affection to her because it is not being returned. Be a little less predictable. Go out and come back a little later. Start working out and getting nicer and improving your self-image. Manage to be friendly with other women and smile. 

You need to be willing to argue with her; many bi..s don't respect their husbands/boyfriends who willingly take their crap. Do you go out with friends or family and do things she wants. Decide you are not going to do that this time. (it has to get worse before it gets better). This I am weak, I am not desirable, I will let you treat me like crap has diminished any limited drive she has. 

Ideally you can have a knock down drag out fight and sex should only be discussed in the context of things she wants. She needs to understand the she treats you like crap, no sex, you do what she wants, spend money as she wants is done. Only a balanced relationship can prosper.


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

frakes said:


> She nitpicks and is critical of almost everything. If I dress our son she will complain about my choice of clothing. If I clean his room she will get upset that everything is not exactly where she wants it. She complains that we are struggling financially, then gets upset when I put in more time at work. She will complain that I don't do the laundry, but when I do she is angry that it isn't folded right. You name it and she will complain, criticise or nitpick. Regarless of what I do, its not good enough.


What you need to be worried about is not if she criticizes, but what she is criticizing. 
Nitpicking on how you clean or dress your child are small issues. I would not worry about it.

You want her to use your love language. Have you used hers? Do you even know what she likes?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> What you need to be worried about is not if she criticizes, but what she is criticizing.
> *Nitpicking on how you clean or dress your child are small issues. I would not worry about it.*
> 
> You want her to use your love language. Have you used hers? Do you even know what she likes?


You cant tell someone not to worry about this...someone who picks at such trivial crap picks at EVERYTHING you do. I know first hand. They pick at what you do, what you say, how you dress, how you think, how you look. If only is were so simple as saying, well that's a small thing, I wont worry about being abused over it...it IS abuse, and needs to be acknowledged as such. Its demeaning and demoralizing. Maybe she will change if he serves her with divorce papers, but I doubt it. Seems like he needs to implement the 180 so that he can salvage some of his sanity and self worth.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If and a big if you can find a good MC that would be the place to start. I doubt you two will be able to fix this on your own. Like any marriage there are always two sides.

If I were you I'd read the following and make your end the best you can

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=0Qxi5K3Nt5uZR1GPM3fZdN9Racw-


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like my marriage. I'll be divorced next week finally. Life is great again!

Give your wife a timeline. If things don't improve after 6 months, teller her you're leaving. You need to set goals and go through with them. Don't remain miserable just because of the kid.


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

I am very active in raising my son. He is an absolute pleasure to be around. I do a fair bit around the house, and so does she. I don't think she realizes how much I actually do. She tunnels on her list, and thinks I'm lazing around.


----------



## frakes (Jun 3, 2016)

She is affectionate with our son. Loves spending time with him.


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

You could be talking about my STBXW. Looking back once she got her son, she no longer wanted or needed me.

Then she fell out of love with me. Then she resented me, rejected me, and said things to me that can never be unsaid.

Finally after 2+ years of sexless marriage, 2 EA's with the second being the exit affair, she walked.

A sexless, affectionless marriage is a bad place. I'm 6 months separated and life is getting better. She is no longer my wife or friend. She is only my son's mother.

One day at a time.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@frakes:

It really comes down to one thing. You have demonstrated through your actions that you are okay with this. Your words have told her no, but when it comes right down to it, actions (as we all know) mean much more.

Are you prepared to put your foot down? Are you prepared to really understand her criticism? Are you prepared to risk the marriage to make it better?

How you answer those questions will determine a lot of what you need to do.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Sounds like my husband. I have been asking him to show me some affection outside the bedroom for years. While talking about it today he said it's the first he heard of this. He's been detached from his emotions for years . I'm beginning to suspect that he really just don't care. I can't imagine that it's so hard to hug, kiss, hold hands and be around someone if you care for them. That's the thing if you really care. 

He told me that I focus on the relationship too much.


----------



## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Wow, you could also be writing about my STBXW as well, the similarities in so many of these stories is eerie!

My wife actually crossed the line into physical abuse early on, everything else you've said, I've lived. The loneliness was one of the worst, how awful to lay in bed feeling such despair, when your supposedly loving spouse is just a touch away. A touch that never comes, then resentment builds.

It obviously hurts so bad, but you must come to realize that you are in an extremely abusive relationship. Mental abuse is no joke and it likely won't get any better without a lot of hard work from both of you. My STBXW didn't put anything into it and never wanted counseling. The silver lining in my story is that she cheated, the cycle of abuse was finally broken and now I get to rediscover myself after a failed 28 year relationship. Do something now or you could end up like me, older and less options, wake up and smell the coffee!


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Sounds remarkably similar to my wife, who has High Functioning Asperger's.
> 
> Has your wife been diagnosed?


Interesting that your wife was dx with high functioning asperger's. One of my counselors felt my husband is dealing with the same. I read a book on asperger's and much of it matched.


----------



## Emma957 (Dec 3, 2015)

My husband is the same way. Complete lack of affection when I am starving for even a drop of affection from him. It really sucks. It's been going on for a few years. I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm at my wits end and don't think I can go on like this any longer. I know your pain. We live like roommates and I see couples around me that seem so happy and I can't figure out why I can't have that. I don't really have great advice accept to say you're not alone and I know how painful it is. Sorry you're going through this.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Frakes, you just described my wife. She wasn't overly affectionate before the kids, but she was sexual and she didn't complain or criticize much. But after the first baby was born, whammo! Just like you describe, complaining about all kinds of ridiculous things. Every day. I didn't know what it would be, but it would be something. And the sex went to absolute zero as soon as she found out she was pregnant.

Many many years later I finally got the info which put the entire puzzle together. She had been sexually abused as a young child. So when she had a baby, and in this case it was a female baby, she went into ultra momma bear mode. And I, as an adult male, became the enemy at least subconsciously and emotionally from her perspective.

Your wife may have a history of sex abuse or assault. Even if she denies it, which my wife did several times, she may still have such a history.

REgardless, you are experiencing unacceptable behavior from her. Never tolerate unacceptable behavior. Never make excuses for her. She has no right to abuse you, which is what she is doing. I would insist on marriage counseling and I would tell her this behavior is not acceptable.


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I completely agree with the stopping the heavy lifting, stop acting interested in her because frankly you shouldn't be interested in her, she sounds horrible to be married to. Stop hugging her, stop telling her you love her all the time, stop dancing to her tune.

She needs to make major changes, don't start to give until she starts to give.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm going to jump in with, "that's my H" as well. Several reasons things can be this way. My H's reason is just that he doesn't give a crap. So long as he's happy....everything's fine. Doesn't matter if everyone else around him is miserable. No real advice unless she is willing to go to counseling. If not, you can't force her. You can't make her talk. You CAN tell her you won't put up with it though and be willing to leave the marriage to prove it. Outside of that, you can leave.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Your wife doesn't love you.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your wife sounds depressed to me. It sounds like you guys are in a slump. Do you find time together by your selves? It's so important to connect and laugh and enjoy each other's company. You guys need to date again. Is she open to communication? Is she happy with the marriage!


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Six Things to Know About Sexual Refusal - The Forgiven Wife

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", The 5 Love Languages, take a hard look at yourself, change anything you see in yourself that needs improvement.

Then, unfortunately, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
Have a serious talk that the marriage cannot succeed in it's current trajectory.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frakes said:


> Two years is a little long for post natal depression, isn't it?


No! It isn't! It can last for three years or more in some cases.

Postnatal depression - NHS Choices

How Long Does Postpartum Depression Last?


----------



## MaxLorenz (Apr 27, 2016)

Frakes,

OK. Time for an action plan. From the sound of it, you're not afraid of some work. You'd be willing to tolerate the situation getting worse in the short term to get the marriage you deserve in the long run.

Here are my suggestions:

1.	Tell your wife that you're not happy with a sexless marriage. (That's less than 10x per year, in case she argues.) You want a wife that returns your affections, not a baby-momma roommate.

2.	Tell her that you are going to a marriage counselor. Tell her that she is welcome to go with you, but you're going either way. (Book a session with a counselor.) 

3.	Tell her you are going to start working on improving yourself. Admit your shortcomings and tell her what you're going to do to improve.

4.	Tell her that you and she are going to have a family meeting every day. You'll make a list together on what needs to be done that day and who will do it. (That way you're working from an agreed-upon list. Eliminates her telling what to do from her list.) If she refuses to participate, make your own to-do list and get it done by the next meeting.

5.	Start giving your wife compliments and show appreciation for what she does well. Do it many times a day. Show her affection, even if it isn't well received. You need to lead the way by showing her the right behavior.

6.	Whenever she has a legitimate complaint about your behavior, own it and fix it. When she nitpicks, tell her, "For marriage to work, we need to say 4 nice things to each other for every complaint. Is THIS issue worth 4 compliments to you?" It points out the imbalance in her conduct and sends the signal that her behavior is affecting the marriage. 

7.	Don't act like her servant. She can get her own drink from the fridge (unless you're already standing at the fridge.) She can get her own snacks from the store (unless you're already headed there.) Anything she expects you to do can be discussed at the family meeting.

8.	If she goes into screaming mode or starts a complain-a-thon, listen quietly until she stops. Then ask, "Are you done, or is there more?" Listen quietly again until she stops, and ask again "Are you done or is there more?" When she says she's done or insists that you respond, tell her calmly, "You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take some time and process it so I don't react emotionally." If she demands more from you, just repeat those last two sentences.

Hope this helps!
Max Lorenz
HusbandPower.com


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> If and if you can find a good MC that would be the place to start.


Can we at least change this non-advice to something like "get her to the point that she WANTS TO GO to marriage counseling". We all have known about marriage counseling since we were 12. What they DON'T know is that both spouses need to WANT to go. Actually, this non-advice is BAD non-advice.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

My god. I'm only through half of the second page and I already need two hands to count all of the "OMG! That's just like me/my spouse"!!!

And we're still not dealing with this pandemic the way we should. NOBODY is connecting the dots. Except me.

She.
Is.
Gone.

It's a CLEAR pattern. And nobody gets it.


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm going to suggest marriage counseling as well.

The major problem here is that the OP married his spouse knowing full well that communication, sex, etc. were not her "strong" suits. Once again, these things don't tend to improve after marriage. Throw a baby into the mix, and her focus will be primarily on the child.

OP, your best bet will be to insist on counseling. Please don't ignore her or engage in other immature behaviors that have been suggested here. 

You need to let her know that this isn't a tolerable situation for you and there needs to be change. 

Good luck.


----------



## stinger (May 22, 2012)

Frakes: As someone mentioned earlier. Read "No more Mr. Nice guy" by Robert Glover. Or listen to it on audible or iTunes. For all the other men here who say their marriage is just like yours, they need to read this book too. This is just the first part. To me, this book is the first step. I can recommend higher level material. Just read this book. You won't believe how you relate to it.

What has basically happened is your wife has lost respect for you. She did not do this on purpose. It happened over many years. She does still love you and she loves your child as well. She is not depressed. You also do not need counseling. You need to be a man. You probably think " I am a good husband", " I help out with the kids and the house and the finances etc". Why does she treat me like this?

It is counter intuitive. You think you are being a nice guy and that is the problem. The solution is not to do the opposite and be a complete jerk. That will drive her away. But being a good husband is driving her away too. I have been there. From what I see, many responders are there now. In fact, most relationships are there too. Once you become more involved in this process, you will see marriages like this all the time. You will go out to dinner and just tell that the couple or family next to you is in the same boat. You hear the wife and you can just tell.

We can get more involved in this as time goes on. "No more Mr. Nice guy" is the first step. It is a baby step. This will open your eyes. Eventually you need to become a leader. Take care of your needs. Stop being such a nice guy. Not in a bad way or a jerk way. It takes time. A lot of time, because you have ingrained beliefs that will take a very long time to change. You have also been a nice guy for your whole marriage and this will take a lot of time to change. But it can be done. Small steps. You will start to notice small behavior changes in your wife. You will eventually become a person she respects. She will start flirting with you. Not on purpose though. As you advance in this, you will be obliging her need for great sex. You won't be having sex with her but obliging her need for great sex. A big difference.
This is more advanced stuff but you will get there. But it doesn't happen over night. I have been where you are. Read Dr. Glovers book.

Welcome to the journey. It is amazing how your wife will respond to you as you grow as a leader in and out of the bedroom.


----------

