# Separated, she slept with someone need advice and opinions



## Husbandinneed (Jun 2, 2010)

Ok, so long story short, 4 months ago, my wife told me she was leaving. I was too controlling, too tight with money, I talked down to her, corrected her on everything and was not there for her emotionally or physically unless it was sex. At the time, she said to give it 6 months to a year and then we would see if we could work out again.

She moved out 3 months ago into an apt. with 2 roommates, she rarely saw me or the kids while she went out and did her own thing. She told me she was doing this because she could not be around me or our house because of the awful memories and that she was miserable without her kids but that when she was around me and the house, she wanted to kill herself. We couldn't afford an apt. that she could move into with the kids.

I worked on myself and became a better person for it, the kids love me quite a bit more and she noticed the differences, but she said that we were over because she was not happy when she was around me.

Move forward to last Saturday, I found out she had sex with a really good friend that I freaked out on her about when we were together. Apparantly, she did it because she wanted me to let go because I wasn't getting it through my head that we were over and I was continuing to try to work on our marriage. I did my crying for a couple days because I had never even thought about cheating on her in the 7 years we have been together, now though, I am more numb.

She came home the morning after she told me and said that she was sorry, that she probably shouldn't have done it, but that she can't change that. (I found out the day after that she told him she wants to start dating him so LIAR) She sent me an e-mail:

"I understand that his has been extremely hard on all of us.I was tired of hurting and hating myself and you. i knew that we could not continue our marriage. I am a very assertive and obstinate person. I was hurt a lot during our marriage. I felt alone and abandoned so much of the time that you were sitting right next to me. I made that as clear as possible to you. I tried so hard to just be happy like you insisted that I do. Just smile. But blah, I could not live like that. Pretending that everything was okay around other people to come home and cry. 
Don't get me wrong, we had some really great times together. We have amazing children. I dont regret our time together in any way. I loved you as much as was humanly possible. You were my world. I defended you at every turn. You were my one true love. My heart. 

I know the turning point for me was a long time ago. So I am a lot further separated from our relationship than you are. I am sorry for that. I have been so unhappy and numb for so long. I decided in my heart and mind in January that it was over. That night in the kitchen ended this for me. I was so devastated that you did not find me to be important enough to just apologize and assure me, your love, your wife, the mother of your children, that you would not hurt me and that you would never do that again. (I wrapped my arms around her chest to give her a hug and she freaked out on me saying that I was choking her) That shattered my soul. I still start balling my eyes out whenever I think about that. I can't stop myself. I knew that night that I was not important to you. That I was just your wife and that didn't mean as much to you as it did to me. 

I truly am sorry that I have hurt you blah. I just could not stay in what seemed to me to be a loveless and detached marriage. I was so alone. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore.

I am so happy though that through this at least you are bonding with our kids now. They get to know the fun happy daddy. The blah that I fell in love with.


I still and will forever love you blah. Do not ever doubt that,"

After I read this, I sent her an e-mail that was about 6 times as long detailing everything that she had done or not done to me that caused me pain in our relationship and that the reason I was controlling was because for so long she acted like she wasn't my wife so I had to control every aspect of her life so I felt like she was my wife. I was tight with money because I was looking forward to the future because the present was so crappy, I avoided her at night because she always complained about my snoring or waking her up when I came home and that through a lot of my actions, I thought I was being a good husband.

Anyway, after all that, I explained that I don't really care about her affairish (we have been separated and some people see separation differently) because she makes me feel amazing on so many other levels than the physical and that I forgive her now, just like I forgave her before for all the hurt that she has caused ME and that I didn't realize she hadn't forgiven me for my hurt upon her.

She has always told me that she doesn't think she can forgive me for the pain I've caused her.

So I told her that I will always be here for her as a friend or more because I honestly am not really interested in seeing someone else, that might change, but right now I'm not.

So now she sent me a couple texts last night saying that she misses our happy times and the more she lets go of the anger and pain, the more she misses the happy things.

My question is this, does it seem like she might actually be learning to let go since the problem is no longer one-sided and I have forgiven her for her issues? I'm not interested in hearing from people who just want to say ditch that ***** or other somesuch things, I plan on trying to work on my side of the marriage until I'm either burnt out, or I feel like I have done absolutely everything I can and it still seems to be over.

And dont worry, I plan on her taking a blood test before I go anywhere near her again sexually. Sorry for the book but I am looking for advice and opinions. 

Thanks,


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Does she work or is she a SAHM?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Honestly, it's hard for any of us to say what she's thinking or feeling. I think you guys had massive communication problems and she finally reached a point where she couldn't take anymore. And she might be to the point where she's simply beyond having any wish to save the marriage now. You have, it seems, reopened the lines of communication and that may make a difference. It does sound as though she *may* be having some second thoughts; I would not press to hard, though, as that could send her running the other way again.

One thing to caution you about, if she does come back: never try to control someone. It's the surest, fastest way to make them fight you and leave. If you feel she isn't acting like your wife, talk to her. Tell her how you feel; tell her why you feel that way. But don't ever try to control her. That never works, as you've now discovered. That may be something that you might want to consider getting some counseling for, just to ensure you don't do it again. 

And in reference to her being a liar for telling you that she shouldn't have "done it" because she told him she wanted to date him. She might not have been lying to you. I think you took what she was saying the wrong way. I think what she meant was that she shouldn't have told you that she slept with him. I think you took it as that she meant she shouldn't have slept with him; I believe she meant that she shouldn't have told you, that she did it only to hurt you or make a point and later realized that that wasn't the right way to handle it. 

Just give her some space. Let her come to you, don't chase her.


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## Husbandinneed (Jun 2, 2010)

Thank you, I have read the divorce remedy, divorce busters, fall in love stay in love, how to survive a separation and have come to that conclusion. It's part of the changing that I have done in the past 4 months. I can't change anyone else or control them, all I can do is control my actions and possibly manipulate (not in a bad way) the other person to choose to be with me and be happy. I realize this now. I forgot to mention that we were 18 when we met and I am 25 now...I haven't had a whole lot of experience in relationships, but I think I have panned out my issues.

Also, no she is a supervisor and until very recently, the OM was one of her subordinates.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Let's see. Your wife is a liar, abandoned her children, and sleeps with your "good" friend. AND decides to tell you, to punish you for something?

Do you really want her back?

I sure the heck wouldn't.

I think you ought to file for divorce and full custody of your children.

Cut her loose.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> Let's see. Your wife is a liar, abandoned her children, and sleeps with your "good" friend. AND decides to tell you, to punish you for something?
> 
> Do you really want her back?
> 
> ...


completely agree ,


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Honestly, it's hard for any of us to say what she's thinking or feeling. I think you guys had massive communication problems and she finally reached a point where she couldn't take anymore. And she might be to the point where she's simply beyond having any wish to save the marriage now. You have, it seems, reopened the lines of communication and that may make a difference. It does sound as though she *may* be having some second thoughts; I would not press to hard, though, as that could send her running the other way again.
> 
> One thing to caution you about, if she does come back: never try to control someone. It's the surest, fastest way to make them fight you and leave. If you feel she isn't acting like your wife, talk to her. Tell her how you feel; tell her why you feel that way. But don't ever try to control her. That never works, as you've now discovered. That may be something that you might want to consider getting some counseling for, just to ensure you don't do it again.
> 
> ...


well I think if in order to make a point she has to tell her H that she slept with his friend , should he really be willing to take her back , let alone chasing her ?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I believe that love and true companionship can overcome even the most tragic actions. But for it to happen all cards (marriage resentments) need to be out on the table so both partners can begin to make sense of the other's actions (or lack thereof). One of the strongest poisens of a marriage is resentment... followed by lack of open communication and childish attempts to get emotional response. Slowly the respect of one another begins to deteriorate and the love fades. Because you both hurt and need affection you begin taking cheap shots at one another because you both need what neither can provide when the marriage is in this state. neither one of you are emotionally strong enough to sort through the wreckage while supporting one another. 
You both need time to heal and seperating wasn't a bad idea so long as you can both agree the jig is up and there as to be a mutuel respect again before moving forward. You haven't forgave one another yet and that takes time! everyone heals differently and having poor contact right now (dredging up dirt and taking shots) is being counter-productive. instead try talking about positive things when you see each other like the kids activities or good memories. Show each other you want to forgive in time and that youre hopeful that the love is still strong enough to endure the dark time. 
i believe she loves you in reading her letter. Because so much time went by without change, her trust in change is weak. You could both tell each other that you will change but in honesty trust is best rebuilt through positive actions over time.
Hope this sheds some light and possibility. My husband and I went through a very similar trial and it ultimately brought us closer together once we worked through. Best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> well I think if in order to make a point she has to tell her H that she slept with his friend , should he really be willing to take her back , let alone chasing her ?


I'm not saying he should take her back. What I got from his post was that he wants her back. If he wants her back, then he needs to back off. 

If she felt that she had to sleep with someone else to get him to understand that she felt it was over, then that tells me he was way too...pushy? for lack of a better word, my brain's not fully functioning at this moment. :scratchhead: 

Personally, if my boyfriend slept with someone else, that would be the end of things. But that's me, not him. He seems to want her back, and if he does, then he has to learn to let go a bit. That's all I was trying to say.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I'm not saying he should take her back. What I got from his post was that he wants her back. If he wants her back, then he needs to back off.
> 
> If she felt that she had to sleep with someone else to get him to understand that she felt it was over, then that tells me he was way too...pushy? for lack of a better word, my brain's not fully functioning at this moment. :scratchhead:
> 
> Personally, if my boyfriend slept with someone else, that would be the end of things. But that's me, not him. He seems to want her back, and if he does, then he has to learn to let go a bit. That's all I was trying to say.


ok now I see your point & I think I agree with you . Thanx for clarifying.

Best of luck


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