# Wife married to job



## 1lonelyguy (Oct 5, 2014)

I need some advice. I've decided my wife of 25 years is married to her job. She works 45 hours a week, but then she is out a couple of evenings for work or for personal stuff like manicures, haircuts, etc... When she's home she watches TV or plays games on her phone. We do spend time together, but, When we talk it's mostly about her work. I do most of the house work and cooking. We both take care of our teen daughter. 

I've talked to her about it several times. She gets very defensive and hurt, and she says she wants to do better, but she really never changes anything. This has been going on for quite awhile now.

I'm the primary breadwinner, but we really need her income while our son is in college so she can't quit right now. I don't know if she would anyway because she really likes her job.

Any ideas how I can get our marriage back on track?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Do you have any mutual interests? Dancing, chess, listening to music, tv shows, cooking, riding, anything?

You need something outside of work that you are both interested in, to share with each other. For example, I'm learning to ride a motorcycle so DH and I can go for rides together, since he's decided to get back into it. We have a favourite TV show we'll catch an episode of together most nights. We both play a mmorpg casually (note *casually*, much better than obsessively). Just examples, but the sooner you find something to do together, the sooner you'll get back on track.


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## 1lonelyguy (Oct 5, 2014)

We watch many of the same TV shows, and we go to lunch together weekly. We hardly talk while watching TV, because she's either tired or playing games on her phone. Our lunches are nice but conversation always ends up being about her work.

I've tried getting a date night into our routine but she says she's tiredand doesn't want to go out. She really has no hobbies or interests outside of work. I've tried a few things but she really just wants to relax at home when she's not working.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Turn off the TV and spend time talking. 
Maybe you could read a marriage book together and discuss? 
You could take her to Marriage Help Program For Couples to get your communication on track and get back the spark.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She is playing a game on her phone or texting someone? Her work, is she speaking specifically about it or someone at her work? Above and beyond that you cannot compete with electronic gadgets. She needs to leave work at work. Leave the phone out of reach.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1lonelyguy said:


> I need some advice. I've decided my wife of 25 years is married to her job. She works 45 hours a week, but then she is out a couple of evenings for work or for personal stuff like manicures, haircuts, etc...


You say that she works 45 hours a week. But then she's out a couple of evenings a week for work? What is she doing in these extra hours? Is she paid for them?

A lot of women spend some time weekly on haircuts, manicures, etc. This is probably normal stuff.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How about having a real serious sit down and without screaming, let it be known that your not happy about being put in second place on her "important list" and tell her things need to change because your coming to the end of your rope and changes need to be made.

Time will tell. If she really cares then she'll make the time for the both of you and if she doesn't then you'll know where you stand and then choices will need to be made.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck that house work crap....

go split some beef jerk with your kid and call it good.

My point is your old lady is taking you for granted and one can never demand respect but you can command respect by giving your old lady the consequences of a dirty house by not chipping in.

And and by the way....if you don't take on what ever is left with your relationship with you kid...it will be gone in a heart beat.
Mine are married and finishing college.....your running out of time!

Your old lady might want to reconsider her sh1t and get involved too.

A couple a years and bamb you never see your kid enless they want you to watch the grand kid!!!!


So your old ladt can either keep up or regret her own relationship with her kid. You on the other hand do have control on being there for your kid.....your old lady on the other hand ...well hopefully she see you getting over her bull crap and starts to second guess her way of life when she sees you letting her go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short I think its pretty sh1tty when you gotta ask/beg someone for their time....especially when one can't see any phucking comprimise in the relationship.

Sorry but its time you inform your old lady that it's no longer working...cuz the fact is ....this marriage isn't!


Some of the more polished folk here will tell you to communicate more with your wife. I on the other hand ain't so polished, so its time to tell your old lady whats what and the consequences if your new bounderies are crossed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet you she is banging someone!
Do you know the red flags for infidelity?



And to all the other poeple that will give me crap for asking ....so what!

No one wants to face the unthinkable, so its @ss wholes like me that bring it up and plant that awful seed.

I'm just saying cheating can answer a lot of question as to "why"


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

45 hours a week would get one fired for being a slacker  where my wife works...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

How did you end up doing the lion's share of work? Since you are both working, it sounds like there is some inequity involved with house stuff needing to get done.

Set boundaries. Show wife you are serious by planning out a division if duties.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

dude, i work around 60 hours a week at my job, but make sure there is plenty of time to play with my wife. 

her 45 hours a week is nothing, that is a standard work week for pretty much everyone


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the guy said:


> Phuck that house work crap....
> 
> go split some beef jerk with your kid and call it good.
> 
> ...


yeah go have some fun. If the housework is stacking up, hire these, uh, professionals:

Naked Maid Service: Business is really taking off for one New Orleans cleaning service | WGNO


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## 1lonelyguy (Oct 5, 2014)

I've tried the whole read a marriage book thing. I've also had the talk a few times. There are tears and apologies and efforts to improve. Within a few weeks, its back to the usual.

She plays games on her phone and watches TV to wind down. 

We actually talk quite a bit, though mostly about her work.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This doesn't sound like it's about her work, but about your marriage. You two are disconnected, and don't spend much time being a couple. Or you've both fallen into a rut and have become dull to each other.

When was the last time you got away on a vacation together? How was your relationship dynamic then?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

45 is not that bad, especially if she front loads her days. Ie starts early.

Something else going on. She is largely ignoring you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the others. Effort spent reconnecting would be well worth it.

Work is definitely a big part of her life (not in the time she spends there physically, but the time she's spending there in her head). It might provide her with feelings of worth that she also might not be getting at home. If she's important at work, wanted, needed, respected, then comes home and feels unneeded, unwanted, disconnected, then she would focus on her work more and more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Until she steps up and starts helping you, quit doing housework. Once th e dishes start piling up and the dirty clothes start damming the hallway, she'll get the hint. 

You are being a beta. Order No More Mr Nice Guy from Amazon and read it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

breeze said:


> I agree with the others. Effort spent reconnecting would be well worth it.
> 
> Work is definitely a big part of her life (not in the time she spends there physically, but the time she's spending there in her head). It might provide her with feelings of worth that she also might not be getting at home. If she's important at work, wanted, needed, respected, then comes home and feels unneeded, unwanted, disconnected, then she would focus on her work more and more.



I disagree wholeheartedly. What has happened is they have taken ona master servant relationship. 

Guess who is the master. 

She has no respect for him anymore.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree wholeheartedly. What has happened is they have taken ona master servant relationship.
> 
> Guess who is the master.
> 
> She has no respect for him anymore.


Well, I guess we both think the same things should happen, we just disagree on motives. I do most of the housework and cooking in our house but we both work and earn about equal wage. I happen to know DH doesn't consider himself my master or have no respect for me. We have our ups and downs like everyone else.

I think the OP has pretty much taken over everything. If I didn't inform DH he was cooking, he simply never would. If I didn't ask him to help do something, he never would. Even just stepping in and automatically helping make a bed is beyond him, yet there's no point in assigning motives to his behaviour that simply aren't there.

The OP does need to stop being the only person in the household who essentially matters. There's nothing left for his wife anymore. Why is she even there? Does anyone need her? It may be through her own doing, but the OP could possibly turn this around by stepping back. We sort of disagree about who is master here as well. He's the one with the power and everyone knows it. He earns more, everyone needs him, everyone relies on him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

breeze said:


> Well, I guess we both think the same things should happen, we just disagree on motives. I do most of the housework and cooking in our house but we both work and earn about equal wage. I happen to know DH doesn't consider himself my master or have no respect for me. We have our ups and downs like everyone else.
> 
> I think the OP has pretty much taken over everything. If I didn't inform DH he was cooking, he simply never would. If I didn't ask him to help do something, he never would. Even just stepping in and automatically helping make a bed is beyond him, yet there's no point in assigning motives to his behaviour that simply aren't there.
> 
> The OP does need to stop being the only person in the household who essentially matters. There's nothing left for his wife anymore. Why is she even there? Does anyone need her? It may be through her own doing, but the OP could possibly turn this around by stepping back. We sort of disagree about who is master here as well. He's the one with the power and everyone knows it. He earns more, everyone needs him, everyone relies on him.


Want me to come over and give your husband an attitude adjustment?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Want me to come over and give your husband an attitude adjustment?


Lol, I think that would take a lobotomy. Luckily for me his lack of participation in household chores registers low on my richter scale these days, and occasionally he surprises me.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

IT can be really lonely in a crowded room, especially when the one you love is not engaged in any communication with you.

Firstly, watching tv and enjoying the same progs without talking is fine. It means your both in to the same aspect. If you enjoy watching quiz shows for instance and getting the answers together, that is engagement and is time together sharing.

If your both sitting there and she's texting friends or playing games on here phone (been at the receiving end of that habit myself) then she is with you in body, but not mind.

From your posting it appears you both actually don't spend time together as lovers but more as friends and not good friends either. 

Ok, you've tried the chat to and been promised the life change, its not working, its a habit that's continuing.

The hours of work are not in the scheme of this huge, many as you've seen here work (and travel) for more than 45. Average full time work is 40 hours anyway. 

It appears to be lines in the sand time. Boundaries are now invisible. Fine if your W wants to text and plays games on the phone that might be the unwind key she needs but there is also the unwind key you need that is required. 
Talking is going to be needed open and candid. Let the housework slip, go off and do something else instead at first. She will see that your attention is else where and that is what now is needed. This is because your attention to her is ALWAYS there whilst hers to you is not. 

Set her down and make it clear. The marriage is cracking. The home life is breaking down. You feel your at home whilst shes else where in here mind. She might well be involved with someone else there are traits showing here. However, you cannot rule out until you have evidence to say enough. The watch word is care and monitor. 

In the discussion point out the lack of togetherness. Make it clear what you want and expect from a relationship. Let her respond with her requirements (we're not always right to expect it all one way). Take time to draw up the boundaries. Phone off at X time. That time is "US" time. Draw up plans to re-engage. Go out together and make sure you have in the back of your mind some subjects that you can both share in, family, plans for future ventures. Let her have her time to chat about her day in work. You have the same option. Take interest but make it clear that this is a the "how was your day darling" conversation and NOT a business meeting. Also, by taking time to listen, not just hear but listen you may pick up on any flags that might be out there. This is just a point to remember on that subject. If something is going on sooner or later by listening and taking interest patterns will form. Hopefully this is not going to happen to you.

Take time out to go out. simple date nights are important. They don't need to cost the earth either. Even if its somewhere she likes this week and somewhere for you next week. Its time together to build up the connections that seem to have fractured.

Most of all make it very clear what the outcome of making separate lives will bring about. You will need to make sure that you stick to the agreed boundaries and likewise your W. If she then starts to slip, bring it up immediately and make sure that she knows that you will. That way she cannot complain if she agrees to work at the marriage and then decides its when she wants to


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

breeze said:


> I agree with the others. Effort spent reconnecting would be well worth it.
> 
> Work is definitely a big part of her life (not in the time she spends there physically, but the time she's spending there in her head). It might provide her with feelings of worth that she also might not be getting at home. *If she's important at work, wanted, needed, respected*, then comes home and feels unneeded, unwanted, disconnected, then she would focus on her work more and more.


:iagree:

My guess is that she is getting some top emotional needs met through work and her friends. For women, admiration and conversation are often top needs, and they can be met at work (if she is good at what she does) and well as by female friends at work and after work. 

Most people gravitate towards people and things that make them feel good; the trick to make sure that you are the person who makes your spouse feel great! The best way to do that is to meet your spouses needs. And, the only way to do that is to spend a good amount of time together.

Right now, your wife's attention is being pull to her work, her friends, her phone- other things/people, and not you. Not good.

My recommendation is to start taking charge; set up dinner dates, movie dates, dancing lessons- whatever, just things that she would enjoy, and get some 1:1 time in. Let her know that you two need 1:1 time for your marriage to work. 

She says she's interested- if she can agree to "no phone" times, 1:1 times, it would go a long way. If you two can make the 1:1 time enjoyable for both of you, I think you'll find success. 

Good luck!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> 45 is not that bad, especially if she front loads her days. Ie starts early.
> 
> Something else going on. She is largely ignoring you.


I am NOT saying she may be looking elsewhere however you might want to stick a VAR in her car just to see where her head is at and find out why she is always talking about work and why she is glued to her phone.
Just saying.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

1lonelyguy said:


> I need some advice. I've decided my wife of 25 years is married to her job. She works 45 hours a week, but then she is out a couple of evenings for work or for personal stuff like manicures, haircuts, etc... When she's home she watches TV or plays games on her phone. We do spend time together, but, When we talk it's mostly about her work. I do most of the house work and cooking. We both take care of our teen daughter.


I'm not sure if I see anything wrong with 45 hour weeks.

I'm not sure how manuicures, haircuts etc is labeled as "work". in what sense?



1lonelyguy said:


> I've talked to her about it several times. She gets very defensive and hurt, and she says she wants to do better, but she really never changes anything. This has been going on for quite awhile now.


What steps have you taken. Did you initiate any kind of an event you guys can do together? Walks maybe? Hiking, biking....sports.......etc? 




1lonelyguy said:


> I'm the primary breadwinner, but we really need her income while our son is in college so she can't quit right now. I don't know if she would anyway because she really likes her job.


What does your son's college got to do with your finances? 

He is a big boy now. College is NOT PARENTS responsibility (contrary to what our society makes people believe).



1lonelyguy said:


> Any ideas how I can get our marriage back on track?


Start scheduling things you 2 can do together. Something that will bring you 2 closer vs apart. For example, walk would be a good thing, but movies, probably not (as you won't do any comminicating etc).

Take action, take her hand and LEAD her. Hopefully she will follow.


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