# Separated from my best friend... and confused



## hiker1 (Jun 6, 2018)

My wife of six years abruptly told me she needed a trial separation and moved out 2 weeks ago. She is currently living with a friend, but plans to move into an apartment with a 'short-term' lease (6 months) in the coming weeks. We have started counseling (weekly) and have completed 2 sessions. 

My wife and I have suffered through infertility issues for the last 4 years. We have gone through two rounds of IVF, had surgery, and have very recently started with homeopathy (in a last ditch effort to avoid another surgery). In addition to having difficulty conceiving... every successful conception has ended in an early miscarriage (5). I know that this has been incredibly difficult on my wife, but we have always had an amazing friendship and we've always been there for each other. During IVF, she asked if it would be OK for her to either not work or seek part-time employment. We are in excellent financial shape, and I told her it would not be a problem and hoped that the reduction of stress would improve our chances. This turned out to be a serious mistake. She ended up spending a lot of time at home and quickly got depressed. During this time I worked to help her find part-time work that would be fulfilling and encouraged her to start her own bookkeeping business. While difficult, she did eventually find some short-term work and started a business and now has a handful of clients.

Eventually, the short-term work ended though... and the handful of clients only kept her busy about 1 day a week. To avoid sitting at home, she decided to start playing Pokemon-Go. She met new friends, and seemed to really be enjoying this new hobby. Eventually though, it started to cut into our time together. Initially, I was patient... because she would always come home happy and apologize for staying out too late or say "I know I'm spending too much time doing this." A few days before my birthday I told her that I felt like I was losing her... "Our time together is getting rarer and rarer and when you are home you are always on your phone chatting with your Pokemon friends." She responded by saying that I was just jealous (which I was) and that she needed this to cope with everything that we had been trough over the last few years.

My birthday came, and she got me some very thoughtful gifts, a card that said "Thank you for being the best part of my life, you are my best friend," and gave me an all around awesome day. The next day I came home with flowers, and just wanted to thank her for being so good to me on my birthday. I could tell something was wrong when I came home. Just before we went to bed I asked if anything was wrong... and that she could tell me anything. She became very angry and yelled "Oh my god you are suffocating me." I apologized, but I was hurt... shortly after that she said "We need to separate." The next morning I assumed we would talk it out and everything would be fine. Instead, she told me that she no longer felt like she had an identity and needed time to find herself... because she didn't just want to be my wife... and she wasn't sure if she still loved me. She packed a bag and moved in with a friend.

I was devastated, but wanted to do anything I could to save our marriage. I scheduled our weekly counseling sessions (which she accepted) and have tried to stay strong and be supportive... I got our guest bed taken apart and brought boxes down from the attic for her eventual move into the apartment.

Our latest counseling session went really well... we were practically completing eachother's sentences as we talked about our good times together and the adversity that we've overcome in our marriage. At the end, the therapist asked my wife if she would consider going on a date with me... and the mood changed quickly. She said no... and when I asked why she said "I just don't want to, I'm getting an apartment, finding a job, and starting to feel good." 

I'm trying to stay hopeful and optimistic... she is going to counseling, she is maintaining some limited contact with me, and she doesn't want my parents to know (she even came to a recent family dinner). I'm having a difficult time though... it was so unexpected. I feel lost... but I'm staying strong for her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife seems to have checked out and is determined to be without you.The meeting with “friends” until late at night is worrying and you need to do some detective work because she is showing all the signs of someone in the fog of an affair.
The last thing you want to be doing is begging her to come home,she will see you as weak and needy and if she is contemplating another guy you need to appear strong.
Is she using your joint savings for her apt and new life,if so you need to protect yourself by moving half of your savings into a separate account.Any expenses involved has to come from her money,you are not the one deciding to move out.
If you have any access to phone records you need to start checking them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

hiker1 said:


> My wife of six years abruptly told me* she needed a trial separation* and moved out 2 weeks ago. She is currently living with a friend, but plans to move into an apartment with a 'short-term' lease (6 months) in the coming weeks. We have started counseling (weekly) and have completed 2 sessions.
> 
> My wife and I have suffered through infertility issues for the last 4 years. We have gone through two rounds of IVF, had surgery, and have very recently started with homeopathy (in a last ditch effort to avoid another surgery). In addition to having difficulty conceiving... every successful conception has ended in an early miscarriage (5). I know that this has been incredibly difficult on my wife, but we have always had an amazing friendship and we've always been there for each other. During IVF, she asked if it would be OK for her to either not work or seek part-time employment. We are in excellent financial shape, and I told her it would not be a problem and hoped that the reduction of stress would improve our chances. This turned out to be a serious mistake. She ended up spending a lot of time at home and quickly got depressed. During this time I worked to help her find part-time work that would be fulfilling and encouraged her to start her own bookkeeping business. While difficult, she did eventually find some short-term work and started a business and now has a handful of clients.
> 
> ...


I'm going to make this simple. It's going to hurt. You will want to think I'm wrong. 
I'm very sorry.

YOur wife is saying CLASSIC things a cheater says. You're suffocating me. I need to find myself. I have no identity. We need a separation.
She appeared happy and was coming home happy recently because she was with or had been talking to her new love interest--those feel good hormones she's addicted to from being "in love" will make you happy, alright.
"She needed this after all we've been through these last few years"...... That's TOTAL BULL****. Sir, if you believe that, you're an idiot. She is simply using that as an excuse. Don't go into classic betrayed spouse syndrome (where you think everything is your fault, you have her on a pedestal and refuse to see her flaws, you beg and plead and cry for her to come home, you try to use LOGIC to show her the error of her ways-------- that DOES NOT WORK. The only thing that MIGHT bring her out of her affair "fog" is to give her consequences. Cut off the money, serve her with divorce papers, and move on with your life. You'd stand a better chance of getting your wife back if she saw you with a new woman. Seriously. If she thinks old faithful safety net Bob is going to be pining away for her, she's going to be even MORE likely to put you in her rearview, which she has already done. Don't be this person, PLEASE.

Yeah, she met some new friends on pokemon. She met "A" new friend. She is CLEARLY cheating on you, and you're too damn loyal yourself to even consider it a possibility. But she is. NO DOUBT.
I know you won't based on your doormat attitude with your wife. I'll explain why I say that if needed.
But what you need to do to have any hope of happiness, with or without your wife, is DIVORCE her right this very day. Not tomorrow, not the next day. TODAY. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy. LET HER GO.

IT doesn't matter that she is cheating. DOn't look for evidence unless it's an at fault divorce state. Just accept your wife doesn't love you and move on.


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## hiker1 (Jun 6, 2018)

I have not begged her to stay, I fully understand that this is not a time for me to emasculate myself in her eyes. I appreciate the blunt feedback. She is not using our joint checking or savings for any of this, she insisted on starting her own checking account. Now, I'm not going to deny that she may have met someone; however, our sex never stopped... I've always been a pleaser and that pleasing never stopped. All that said, I could see her potentially starting an emotional relationship... to fill a perceived gap. I've spoken with the therapist about my concerns and she has advised me to bring them up in our next counseling session. Again, I appreciate the advice. I'd love to hear a female perspective about the situation, but for now I'm going to take things slow.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry to hear you are going 
through this. Your birthday
was special because I think 
some how she was saying 
goodbye. Are you sure she was 
talking with pokeman-go friends ?
Are you sure she was out with 
them also ? She may not be in 
a physical affair yet but it 
sounds like she having an 
Emotional one. Moving out 
and getting her own place 
is moving in that direction
for sure. 

Just because your sex life did
not stop could mean it was what's
called guilt sex. She feels guilty 
because she is having either an
emotional affair or physical affair.
Guilt could also explain why she made 
your birthday so special. Simply put
she feels guilty for betraying her
best friend.

Remain vigilant and check for
evidence.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

hiker1 said:


> I have not begged her to stay, I fully understand that this is not a time for me to emasculate myself in her eyes. I appreciate the blunt feedback. She is not using our joint checking or savings for any of this, she insisted on starting her own checking account. Now, I'm not going to deny that she may have met someone; however, our sex never stopped... I've always been a pleaser and that pleasing never stopped. All that said, I could see her potentially starting an emotional relationship... to fill a perceived gap. I've spoken with the therapist about my concerns and she has advised me to bring them up in our next counseling session. Again, I appreciate the advice. I'd love to hear a female perspective about the situation, but for now I'm going to take things slow.


She's already flew the coop, so you can't even ask her to see her phone and see her reaction. That would have told you all you need to know.

It's awesome that you have enough self control not to grovel or plead. I didn't.... Of course, once I found out about the cybersex and whatever else with multiple married dudes..... I asked mine to GTFO.
This will be hurtful. It won't get better for a long time. BUT, I would like to warn you that there's a difference between "going slow" and letting her keep you in limbo. Limbo HELL is what is really awful. My ex kept me there for 2 months until I discovered the truth on my own. 

Keep your chin up and never let her see you doing anything but having a great life. Fake it til you make it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Other things you may want to think about.
She may have met toxic friends. Toxic to
your relationship. Telling her things like " Your to young
to be married " " Have more fun " Etc.
Since you are in counseling I wonder if 
she will continue? 

You need to talk with her and discuss 
what the rules are now. Do you and her 
date other people ? She did tell the therapist
that she would not go on a date with you.
How long do you wait for her to decide 
what she wants ? Do not wait in limbo
for her to do decide what she wants.
Live your life and be happy. You will
survive this.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Female perspective: your wife has not healed from the infertility challenges and that problem was compounded by her failure to get in touch with her true identity once she quit her job. Because of the underlying problem of her lacking sense of self and her poor coping response to the infertility challenges, she's attributing the source of her stress and loss of control over her life to you. 

She's likely convinced herself that you should have done xyz to help her as justification for why you're to blame for her problems. The fertility challenges affected her sense of self as a woman while the stay-at-home situation affected her sense of self as a human being. That must be quite debilitating emotionally and clearly she hid her emotional deterioration very well. Rather than tell you how much she needed you and what she needed you to do to help her cope with the fertility problems, she directed her feelings of sadness//loss/anger/inadequacy towards you. Enough time has passed with you not recognizing that how desperately she needed help that it has allowed her to solidify in her mind that you are to blame for her feelings because you were never there to support her emotionally the way she needed.

That is my perspective of what happened OP. I agree that you need not chase your wife and if I were your wife, the advice I would want my husband to get is:

1. Quit the couples counselling. It's another means of chasing your wife and if it hasn't clued her in that she's at the root of the problem, I'm not sure it's worth waiting in the hopes that she has a eureka moment.

2. Have one last talk or write a letter/email where you clarify that: you could have been more emotionally supportive and you didn't realize how much she needed you; you have a general understanding of the problem ie the fertility and stay at home failures; you feel terrible that the problems have become so toxic, that her problems are our problems and you're willing to do anything necessary to help; HOWEVER, these problems will never be fixed if she chooses to run away from you and them; she FAILED to tell you what the problems were or give you an opportunity to help fix them; the ball is in her court to reach out to you to be open with you about what is wrong; you are willing to wait X amt of time for her to make a decision as to when she will move back home and when you can begin addressing the issues; after that time should she fail to do so, you will assume that she is no longer interested in the marriage and file for divorce.

3. Do exactly what you say in the letter/talk

The above is my idea of a compassionate approach that communicates concern while also requiring the other party to be responsible for their actions and take accountability. The more leeway you give your wife, the more she's going to justify to herself that you are to blame. If you keep acting all hurt and desperate to do anything to fix things, she is going to interpret that as you feeling bad about doing whatever she convinced herself you did wrong to cause the problems she's dealing with.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

I’m not like many here who assume every spouse who so much as sneezes is having a full blown affair, but this would concern me. New exciting friends, late nights, lots of time on phone. Then she says you are suffocating her, wants a separation etc. These aren’t coincidences. Sounds very possible that she has connected with someone else. Hopefully I’m wrong and she really does need space to “find herself” but be prepared for what you are going to find if you start digging.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

There are more red flags here than at a Chinese pavilion. If you are inclined, start sleuthing to see if there is an affair going on.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

During my marriage we had pregnancy issues, my ex had a couple of surgeries and every doctor told her that if she ever got pregnant she would lose the pregnancy. It just wasn't in the cards for us to have kids. As guys we have no clue just how much that can play on a woman's emotions and self worth. Mine internalized and eventually convinced herself that it was all my fault. Even to this day all these years later she still tells everyone I refused to have kids with her. 

While married the self worth/self esteem issues became much more prevalent when she lost her job and was out of work for a long period of time. Just as my ex did it sounds like yours has decided your THE issue and her happiness must lie without you in her life. In a sense she's running instead of facing her problems and the problems in the marriage. 

Until she decides to quit running from the issues and face them the counseling right now is probably worthless. She is going to appease you, not seek enlightenment or help. The separation is still very new so she is still going to use you for some emotional support but that will fad quickly as she learns to live without you which in most cases all that happens in separations. She is probably and likely getting some external validation from people which has pushed this so don't be shocked if you find another man or some sort of emotional affair going on.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife seems to have checked out and is determined to be without you.The meeting with “friends” until late at night is worrying and you need to do some detective work because she is showing all the signs of someone in the fog of an affair.
> The last thing you want to be doing is begging her to come home,she will see you as weak and needy and if she is contemplating another guy you need to appear strong.
> Is she using your joint savings for her apt and new life,if so you need to protect yourself by moving half of your savings into a separate account.Any expenses involved has to come from her money,you are not the one deciding to move out.
> If you have any access to phone records you need to start checking them.


:iagree:

Protect yourself, start snooping around. My first thought was that she's met someone through Pokemon go and is cheating on you with him. Much luck to you, and I'm sorry that you're here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Let’s just call it what it is: another man.

She’s using the infertility problems as a red herring.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I think another man has been poking-her man! Sorry, had to. But seriously. You need to start getting her out of your life. You ONLY have six years. And no kids. That is a blessing in disguise. You wife sees you as a failure for herself and family aspirations. She is damaged goods. You would need to spend ALOT of money on IC, not MC and also be competing with another guy. Sorry, way to many red flags and her actions speak more than words. But they also did the trick as well...."Thanks for being my best FRIEND!!!"

She has got some serious problems and the wife you married long gone I'm afraid.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If my own wife refused to go on a “date” with me, said she didn’t want to....???!!!!???!!!

Geez, OP, you really need to get away from this horrible person. What she is doing to you, going to “counseling” and stringing you along to keep her safety net, knowing all along she’s gone in a heartbeat the minute another man looks her way ( I believe she has cheated and is cheating already).

You need to present papers. A man doesn’t stand in line for a date with his wife.
He doesn’t have to ask her for a date.

She’s told you she doesn’t love you, won’t date you, wants AWAY from you.

Accept what she has said and act accordingly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Odds are very high she's already having an EA. Or more...And no matter who's "fault" she'll blame you to justify her actions....

As others have stated it's best for you to stop accepting blame for all of this. 

Using logic in conversations will not work. 

Sadly you're already being told "she wants to meet other men"....in so many words.

Have one and only one short conversation telling her you have to keep living your life without her, and tell her to move out now. She said she wants to live without you so let her. Thank her for telling you, etc. but don't let her control the short tempo on the "talk".

Yes you'll be sad for a while, becoming more happy by the day. It may be best to do this now, rather than after 7, 8, or 10 or more years.

I usually don't go straight to a break-up opinion but imho here...you may want to just tell her to go ahead and leave, to protect your emotional and financial health. RIP the bandaid off quickly, start living your best life without someone that just keeps saying you're a bad person.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hiker, I always hope in these kinds of threads that there isn't an affair. Keke24's post above makes a lot of sense to me. But, it could also just be a garden variety affair. It actually doesn't matter all that much because she has moved out, which is never good. It is a very big step to move out, and I think a lot of times it is done as a "polite" or less confrontational way of easing out of the relationship. If she's decided she is finished with the marriage, she may be trying to end it gently. Also, some people don't want to be the bad guy, so they set things up to make it seem like the other person is equally on board in the decision.

Whatever the case is, I don't think there is any good way to get her to come back to you. I read it as she has moved on already, and if that is so then there really is no coming back. So it doesn't matter if it was the infertility that changed her, or if she's in a red hot affair with someone.

I wouldn't blame you for giving MC a few more sessions, but honestly it doesn't sound like it will be productive. Some people really need to feel they've done everything possible to save the marriage, in which case they hang on too long. That is better than pulling the plug immediately but then wondering forever if you did the right thing. I really like Keke24's approach on this one.

The only reason to investigate if there is an affair would be if she comes back at some future date. Then it would be imperative to know if there was an affair. But it won't be easy now to find that out.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Use reverse phychology just let her know you think divorce is ok with you. No more marriage counselling just go on with your life. Just act perfectly content and life is good. There's a saying "people want what they can't have". Right now she can have you at any given moment she knows that. She just stringing you along. You just have to shift the power back to your favor by acting she can't have you.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

The miscarriages I can understand. An adult quitting a job to PLAY Pokemon? That is unheard of in my generation. 

Next.


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