# Saw my ex for the first time in 5 weeks, confused as to what to do next...



## jeffsmith77

If you want a little more context, you can look at my post history to get the full story. I'll paraphrase as best I can (sorry, it's a long story, but I want to give as much detail as possible):

My ex and I were together for 7 years (I'm 34, she's 29) and engaged for about 4 years (we were waiting until school was over before the wedding). We had an amazing relationship. Our friends and family all saw us as the perfect couple. We never argued, rarely disagreed, and couldn't get enough of each other, even 6+ years into the relationship. She moved back with her parents 250 miles away to go to nursing school. During this time, she had continued to work-out and run, and lost 50 lbs. School was hard on her, but she did extremely well. I would see her every other weekend, but we didn't have any quality time during these visits, since she had to study the whole time.

While she was succeeding in school and losing weight, I got stuck in life. I wasn't losing the weight, I wasn't going back for my Masters like I said I would, and my career wasn't going as I had hoped. She was improving herself and her life, and I wasn't. During this last summer, my ex volunteered at a camp, and she met someone. He was fit, athletic, and driven: all the things I wasn't. She felt an attraction to him and he admitted an attraction to her, which made her uncomfortable. She stayed away from him for the rest of camp. It was at this time that she started to feel distant from me. And before anyone suggests she cheated, I can say that it is absolutely not in her character.

Once she graduated, in December she moved back with me. But then, my mom unexpectedly dies. I become withdrawn, and our relationship began to fade. We started to go to premarital counseling, and realized we weren't completely open with one another. My ex expressed some changes she'd like to see in me. The things she mentioned were minor, and I fixed them immediately. Some of the bigger changes, like having a running/active lifestyle partner, would take some time. We had more work to do.

We went to Seattle around New Years to look for work and places to live, and we were more friends than anything, although I was still in love. After finally spending some quality time together, she said she realized all she needed was time with me. We fell completely in love all over again, and we were stronger than ever. We continued our counseling, and our counselor noted how happy my ex was.

Once we got home, she focused on studying for her nursing certification exam. I took care of the cooking and cleaning, giving her more time to study. She told me how happy she was with the new us. But once she passed her exam and started looking for work, things went downhill. I lost my job and our house is in the middle of a remodel. The job hunt led only to rejection for her. During counseling, she said the most important things to her at the moment were paying off her debt, being financially stable, and feeling like she can stand on her own two feet. She became closed-off and angry (directing some of it towards me). After three weeks of this, she said she hasn't felt the same way about me in months, and she was leaving me. She moved back with her parents, canceled the wedding, and completely removed me from her life.

During these 5 weeks since she left, I started running and working out (my mom's death scared me, and gave me the kick in the butt I needed). I started feeling better about myself and started researching Masters programs and work on a plan for funding my education. I feel driven, assertive, and healthy: all the things she wanted in me, that I wasn't able to provide before. These changes are for me, and not for her. I've always had these goals, but didn't have the confidence to see them through.

She called me a few weeks after the separation. She told me that all of these months, she was fooling herself in believing we could work. Our friends, our counselor, and I all saw a very happy woman up until the last month of our relationship. She said she's angry with how things turned out, and some days she feels great, and others she wants to cry. Ultimately, she's at peace with her decision.

I saw her yesterday for this first time since she left. She saw a new me. She immediately noticed the weight loss, and I portrayed a confident and driven "me". When I was telling her of my progress, she looked at me with almost tears in her eyes. She said she was very happy for me. We had a good talk, joking around just like the old days. Afterward, we had a light conversation, and laughed and joked together.

She seemed a little depressed to me. During small talk, she was happy and smiling. When she talked about her job/life situation, she only focused on the negative. She feels stuck living back home. Her hunt for work seems to have slowed down. She says she doesn't want to meet new people. She said we were both in denial during the last few months of our relationship, even though I never expressed any problems with it.

For those of you still reading, thanks for sticking around. Now my dilemma is this: how should I maintain the contact with her? We're trying to be friends, but I still love her. She feels only friendship towards me. I think that the combination of not having any real time together along with life's frustrations are standing in the way between us. If I give her space, we won't have a way to have good quality time together. Also, I've done a 180 in my life, and I want her to see this. If I talk to her fairly often, I won't give her the chance to really miss me. Plus, she's 250 miles away. Any advice is greatly appreciated... Thank you all.


----------



## F-102

As cold as it sounds-forget her. She doesn't sound like someone who stands up to stress very well, and that no matter how good her decisions are, she will always be second-guessing herself. Plus, there is the added danger that she has proven to herself that she can attract other, more "successful" men. 

Of course, I am a bridge burner, and I have never regretted my policy of completely cutting exes out of my life, but then again, I'm not you.

But it sounds like you are a level-headed guy, and you are improving yourself. I'd say, find someone else.


----------



## jeffsmith77

Forgetting her is easier said than done, and I don't think I'm at that point. She's going through a difficult time in her life. I think she needs help with how she handles stress, and once things start to move forward in her life, maybe she'll realize this. If her mind was clear, life was going well, and she made the decision to end the relationship, then forgetting her would be simpler. She's had a pretty easy life, and this is her first real challenge. We'll see what she's like when she emerges. If she doesn't learn anything, then that's a clear sign to go my own way.

I can find someone else, but I'm still processing the separation. If you were to ask me how our relationship was a month before she left, I would've said things were great. And I think she'd say she was happy too.


----------



## jeffsmith77

I'm hoping to kick-start this post... Anyone have any advice? Thank you.


----------



## Atholk

I think you have to try and view her displaying being erratic and leaving you before the wedding happened as a gift. If that all came out after the wedding you're in serious trouble compared to what you are facing now.

Right now what you are experiencing is the residual effects of male pair bonding hormone (vasopressin) continuing to make you feel emotionally connected to her. The only real solution to that is time, moving on and being productive in your own life and attaching to someone new.

Right now, her personal problems are no longer your concern. She's made the jump and left you, so any personal difficulties she has as a result of leaving are hers to fix.

If you were Shrek... she just made it plain that she's not interested in being your Princess Fiona. So put her on the Donkey plan and not worry about her.


----------



## jeffsmith77

I understand what you're saying, but it's hard to see anything positive in the end of our relationship, given how happy and in love we were for so long. Until recently, we never had troubles. If we were having issues throughout the relationship, this would be easier.

I know that her problems are hers to deal with. I've been focusing on myself and taking care of me. But it's difficult to not be concerned about the one you love when they change to drastically, so quickly. It hurts to see the one you love hurt.


----------



## PHTlump

Your ex is telling you that she was unhappy for several months prior to her leaving, and you don't believe her? Why not? It seems like her statements are the best thing you have to go on.

If you want to stay in contact with her, do it on Facebook. Friend her and then post pictures of yourself doing fun and interesting things. Make sure several of these pictures contain attractive women posing with you. You get to show her your progress inadvertently. Your calling or emailing her directly would be clingy and not attractive.

But it's likely that you need to accept that it's over and move on with your life. Doing the things needed in order to get interesting pictures with attractive people to post on Facebook will help you do that. Either your ex realizes how much she wants you back, or you get to keep having fun with some new girls.


----------



## jeffsmith77

I only believe that she was unhappy a portion of the time. She is not one who can hide her emotions. During the months from the summer until the end of our relationship, we had moments where she was obviously unhappy. But, there were many, many more moments where she would cuddle up next to me on the couch and kiss me on the cheek, where she would initiate intimacy (physical and emotional), where she would go out of her way to do things for me, where she would give me "the look" which says plain as day that she loves me... I could go on and on. Everyone around us saw it. Our counselor saw it.

For the past two months, her life has been extremely difficult. She distanced herself from me, and only talks about the negative side of our relationship. When I bring up anything positive, and say "if you were so unhappy, what about (include any positive scenario)?" She responds with silence. Her words and her actions show that she's not happy with life, and maybe a little depressed. That is why I don't fully believe that she was unhappy since the summer, and why I'm having a hard time letting go.


----------



## MEM2020

Jeff,
Re-read your post. You talk about the initial changes she asked for. The important ones were the hard ones. Getting in shape/staying in shape. Being more driven. Etc. Sounds like as soon as she resumed being intimate with you, you stopped working on that stuff. 

I think you should move on. I also think you should recognize that when a woman places a high priority on certain things, and you only do those things for a short time and then stop. you will get to a bad outcome. 




jeffsmith77 said:


> If you want a little more context, you can look at my post history to get the full story. I'll paraphrase as best I can (sorry, it's a long story, but I want to give as much detail as possible):
> 
> My ex and I were together for 7 years (I'm 34, she's 29) and engaged for about 4 years (we were waiting until school was over before the wedding). We had an amazing relationship. Our friends and family all saw us as the perfect couple. We never argued, rarely disagreed, and couldn't get enough of each other, even 6+ years into the relationship. She moved back with her parents 250 miles away to go to nursing school. During this time, she had continued to work-out and run, and lost 50 lbs. School was hard on her, but she did extremely well. I would see her every other weekend, but we didn't have any quality time during these visits, since she had to study the whole time.
> 
> While she was succeeding in school and losing weight, I got stuck in life. I wasn't losing the weight, I wasn't going back for my Masters like I said I would, and my career wasn't going as I had hoped. She was improving herself and her life, and I wasn't. During this last summer, my ex volunteered at a camp, and she met someone. He was fit, athletic, and driven: all the things I wasn't. She felt an attraction to him and he admitted an attraction to her, which made her uncomfortable. She stayed away from him for the rest of camp. It was at this time that she started to feel distant from me. And before anyone suggests she cheated, I can say that it is absolutely not in her character.
> 
> Once she graduated, in December she moved back with me. But then, my mom unexpectedly dies. I become withdrawn, and our relationship began to fade. We started to go to premarital counseling, and realized we weren't completely open with one another. My ex expressed some changes she'd like to see in me. The things she mentioned were minor, and I fixed them immediately. Some of the bigger changes, like having a running/active lifestyle partner, would take some time. We had more work to do.
> 
> We went to Seattle around New Years to look for work and places to live, and we were more friends than anything, although I was still in love. After finally spending some quality time together, she said she realized all she needed was time with me. We fell completely in love all over again, and we were stronger than ever. We continued our counseling, and our counselor noted how happy my ex was.
> 
> Once we got home, she focused on studying for her nursing certification exam. I took care of the cooking and cleaning, giving her more time to study. She told me how happy she was with the new us. But once she passed her exam and started looking for work, things went downhill. I lost my job and our house is in the middle of a remodel. The job hunt led only to rejection for her. During counseling, she said the most important things to her at the moment were paying off her debt, being financially stable, and feeling like she can stand on her own two feet. She became closed-off and angry (directing some of it towards me). After three weeks of this, she said she hasn't felt the same way about me in months, and she was leaving me. She moved back with her parents, canceled the wedding, and completely removed me from her life.
> 
> During these 5 weeks since she left, I started running and working out (my mom's death scared me, and gave me the kick in the butt I needed). I started feeling better about myself and started researching Masters programs and work on a plan for funding my education. I feel driven, assertive, and healthy: all the things she wanted in me, that I wasn't able to provide before. These changes are for me, and not for her. I've always had these goals, but didn't have the confidence to see them through.
> 
> She called me a few weeks after the separation. She told me that all of these months, she was fooling herself in believing we could work. Our friends, our counselor, and I all saw a very happy woman up until the last month of our relationship. She said she's angry with how things turned out, and some days she feels great, and others she wants to cry. Ultimately, she's at peace with her decision.
> 
> I saw her yesterday for this first time since she left. She saw a new me. She immediately noticed the weight loss, and I portrayed a confident and driven "me". When I was telling her of my progress, she looked at me with almost tears in her eyes. She said she was very happy for me. We had a good talk, joking around just like the old days. Afterward, we had a light conversation, and laughed and joked together.
> 
> She seemed a little depressed to me. During small talk, she was happy and smiling. When she talked about her job/life situation, she only focused on the negative. She feels stuck living back home. Her hunt for work seems to have slowed down. She says she doesn't want to meet new people. She said we were both in denial during the last few months of our relationship, even though I never expressed any problems with it.
> 
> For those of you still reading, thanks for sticking around. Now my dilemma is this: how should I maintain the contact with her? We're trying to be friends, but I still love her. She feels only friendship towards me. I think that the combination of not having any real time together along with life's frustrations are standing in the way between us. If I give her space, we won't have a way to have good quality time together. Also, I've done a 180 in my life, and I want her to see this. If I talk to her fairly often, I won't give her the chance to really miss me. Plus, she's 250 miles away. Any advice is greatly appreciated... Thank you all.


----------



## jeffsmith77

MEM11363 said:


> Jeff,
> Sounds like as soon as she resumed being intimate with you, you stopped working on that stuff.


Actually, I said:

_"During these 5 weeks since she left, I started running and working out (my mom's death scared me, and gave me the kick in the butt I needed). I started feeling better about myself and started researching Masters programs and work on a plan for funding my education. I feel driven, assertive, and healthy: all the things she wanted in me, that I wasn't able to provide before. These changes are for me, and not for her. I've always had these goals, but didn't have the confidence to see them through."_

I started these changes after she left. Again, these were all goals I had set in place for myself before I even met her. I didn't have the confidence to see them through all these years, but once I started feeling good about myself, everything seemed obtainable to me. Whether or not she comes back, these changes are permanent.

The small changes I made early on were also permanent. They were very minor things that were easy to address, and once they were fixed, they became a non-issue in our relationship (according to her).


----------



## Atholk

jeffsmith77 said:


> During this last summer, my ex volunteered at a camp, and she met someone. He was fit, athletic, and driven: all the things I wasn't. She felt an attraction to him and he admitted an attraction to her, which made her uncomfortable. She stayed away from him for the rest of camp. It was at this time that she started to feel distant from me. *And before anyone suggests she cheated, I can say that it is absolutely not in her character.*


I don't mean to sound jaded, but I've heard this thing so many times now that I'm just never shocked anymore when it comes out that the wife/gf cheated.


----------



## jeffsmith77

I understand. I've been cheated on before, so I know what it's like. For as long as I've known her, she's always said that cheaters are the scum of the earth, and if you're inclined to cheat, then you're obviously not happy in the relationship and need to leave. I'm not in denial over this. When you've known someone intimately for more than 8 years, you'll get a clear stance on what they're capable of when it comes to major choices like cheating.


----------



## sisters359

Let go and move on. She was thinking about moving on long before she left, she felt guilty about her attraction to the other person at camp and tried to deny it and played her part--"fake it 'til you make it" with you as long as she could when you started living together after she finished school. When the job search disappointed her, she lost interest in the role playing--it hadn't worked and she couldn't keep it up b/c she was confronting other realities of her life. She finally admitted to herself--and you--that the relationship didn't work for her anymore, and hadn't been for a long time. 

You wrote, " The things she mentioned were minor, and I fixed them immediately. Some of the bigger changes, like having a running/active lifestyle partner, would take some time. We had more work to do." What you really said was, "when things started to seem better, I became complacent. I quit trying to improve myself in ways she had said were important to her." She noticed that. You didn't start running or searching for grad schools until she left. It's too late. She chose not to be responsible for having to push you all the time. 

Please do not be hard on yourself or blame yourself--and take the time to figure out, do you want to be the "more active lifestyle" guy? Do you want to be more ambitious? Figure out who you are, and then find someone who is happy with that guy--pretty much just as you are. As long as you are healthy, you should not worry about being Mr. Active unless that makes you really happy. Same for being Mr. Ambitious. 

Do not try to stay in contact with her. She does not need you; she has made that very clear. But you need to move on.


----------



## MEM2020

This was exactly the point I tried to make to Jeff above. She says "this is not working out we should end it". He proceeds to fix the "little things" but does not get into/stick with an exercise program. She likely was very irate that even after threatening to leave over it he STILL did not seem willing to get in shape. And in fact he didn't make that effort until after she really did leave. 




sisters359 said:


> Let go and move on. She was thinking about moving on long before she left, she felt guilty about her attraction to the other person at camp and tried to deny it and played her part--"fake it 'til you make it" with you as long as she could when you started living together after she finished school. When the job search disappointed her, she lost interest in the role playing--it hadn't worked and she couldn't keep it up b/c she was confronting other realities of her life. She finally admitted to herself--and you--that the relationship didn't work for her anymore, and hadn't been for a long time.
> 
> You wrote, " The things she mentioned were minor, and I fixed them immediately. Some of the bigger changes, like having a running/active lifestyle partner, would take some time. We had more work to do." What you really said was, "when things started to seem better, I became complacent. I quit trying to improve myself in ways she had said were important to her." She noticed that. You didn't start running or searching for grad schools until she left. It's too late. She chose not to be responsible for having to push you all the time.
> 
> Please do not be hard on yourself or blame yourself--and take the time to figure out, do you want to be the "more active lifestyle" guy? Do you want to be more ambitious? Figure out who you are, and then find someone who is happy with that guy--pretty much just as you are. As long as you are healthy, you should not worry about being Mr. Active unless that makes you really happy. Same for being Mr. Ambitious.
> 
> Do not try to stay in contact with her. She does not need you; she has made that very clear. But you need to move on.


----------



## jeffsmith77

MEM11363 said:


> He proceeds to fix the "little things" but does not get into/stick with an exercise program. She likely was very irate that even after threatening to leave over it he STILL did not seem willing to get in shape. And in fact he didn't make that effort until after she really did leave.


In my defense, I wasn't quite up to getting out and exercising every day because my mom had just died. I lost my job. I was out running out of money. Making a sudden lifestyle change while life is kicking your ass is not an easy thing to do. I needed time to grieve, to pull myself together. What I needed was time alone to process everything and realize what I needed to do for myself.


----------



## MEM2020

Jeff,
That would be an overwhelming situation for almost anyone. I hope that as time passes you realize that the gym/the track and a healthy diet are among the best tools for dealing with all the difficult things that life visits upon us. 




jeffsmith77 said:


> In my defense, I wasn't quite up to getting out and exercising every day because my mom had just died. I lost my job. I was out running out of money. Making a sudden lifestyle change while life is kicking your ass is not an easy thing to do. I needed time to grieve, to pull myself together. What I needed was time alone to process everything and realize what I needed to do for myself.


----------



## Papa Bear

Jeff, you are still young. You have no kids with this woman so it is easier to let her go. English is my second language and I am not sure by excersize you meant to lose weight? If that's the case then again she is wrong IMO. She should love you for who you are weather you are boddybuilder or a 300 lbs man.

Then, you went to counselling and even though things seemed to go well she suddenly said she is out. How can you be sure if she came back she won't leave again in 1, 3, 5 years?

But if you are sure that you guys can make it work, all you can really do is stay nice with her and see what happens but I wouldn't put my hopes too high.


----------



## jeffsmith77

MEM11363 said:


> Jeff,
> That would be an overwhelming situation for almost anyone. I hope that as time passes you realize that the gym/the track and a healthy diet are among the best tools for dealing with all the difficult things that life visits upon us.


Thank you. Getting in shape has been a goal of mine for 15 or so years. I just never found what I needed to get me moving. It turns out that losing my mom was a real wake up call. We have a lot of heart problems in the family, and losing my mom made me take a long hard look at myself. Now, I run and lift weights 6 days a week. It's been an amazing way to deal with life's challenges, and it's given me a sense of self confidence that I've never had before.


----------



## jeffsmith77

Papa Bear said:


> Jeff, you are still young. You have no kids with this woman so it is easier to let her go. English is my second language and I am not sure by excersize you meant to lose weight? If that's the case then again she is wrong IMO. She should love you for who you are weather you are boddybuilder or a 300 lbs man.
> 
> Then, you went to counselling and even though things seemed to go well she suddenly said she is out. How can you be sure if she came back she won't leave again in 1, 3, 5 years?
> 
> But if you are sure that you guys can make it work, all you can really do is stay nice with her and see what happens but I wouldn't put my hopes too high.


By exercising, I'm referring to losing fat and building muscle. Being healthier all around. But you bring up something I should've clarified: my ex didn't have an issue with my weight. Her issue was that I've said I was going to get in shape all these years, and I haven't done anything about it. The problem has been my lack of motivation. This lack of motivation has also affected other aspects of my life, which has been a real disappointment for her.

We went to counseling, but I think the real issue was she became so frustrated with life, she began to look at everything negatively. She was the one who said we were great and didn't need anymore counseling. I also think she became too impatient, which really upsets me. I wasn't working on the major changes like she was hoping, but I don't think she considered the fact that life was extremely difficult for me at the time, and committing to a new lifestyle was too much for me at the time.

You bring up a good point about the possibility of her leaving again in the future, if she were to come back. Honestly, I'll only take her back if she promises to remain committed. Meaning, if we hit a bump in the road again (and any couple will), she needs to understand that all relationships will have issues, and they need to be resolved and not ignored. Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, and she needs to work on her communication skills before I would ever consider being with her again.

I do think we could make it work, but it will take both of us to see this. Right now, she can't. But once life settles down with her, we'll see what happens. I'm giving her as much space as I can for the moment.


----------



## anx

> Honestly, I'll only take her back if she promises to remain committed. Meaning, if we hit a bump in the road again (and any couple will), she needs to understand that all relationships will have issues, and they need to be resolved and not ignored.


 I've realized that a TON of issues in a relationship go both ways but look different to the people in them.

She could very easily say that you need to stay committed and resolve and not ignore weight (you hinted at other stuff-motivation) issues. 

It seems silly to be mad towards her that she isn't committed, but I think she has seen a lack of commitment on your part.



> We went to counseling, but I think the real issue was she became so frustrated with life, she began to look at everything negatively. She was the one who said we were great and didn't need anymore counseling. I also think she became too impatient, which really upsets me. I wasn't working on the major changes like she was hoping, but I don't think she considered the fact that life was extremely difficult for me at the time, and committing to a new lifestyle was too much for me at the time.


 I would also be frustrated and impatient if my partner was telling me he/she was going to change lifestyles and wouldn't follow through or was unmotivated. Most people would have acted the same way as your wife. She probably considered that it was hard to make a new lifestyle, but it doesn't really matter. She can give you extra time or some sympathy, but at some point in time that runs out and she feels lied to.

It sounds like thats what happened from here at least. You went to counseling to fix things and didn't follow through. Now she feels more deeply burned and hurt and can't trust you even more.



> But you bring up something I should've clarified: my ex didn't have an issue with my weight. Her issue was that I've said I was going to get in shape all these years, and I haven't done anything about it. The problem has been my lack of motivation.


 This drove me nuts in my marriage. I'm not that bothered by weight, but feeling lied to about fixing it drives me insane.

Best of luck


----------



## jeffsmith77

anx said:


> It seems silly to be mad towards her that she isn't committed, but I think she has seen a lack of commitment on your part.
> 
> I would also be frustrated and impatient if my partner was telling me he/she was going to change lifestyles and wouldn't follow through or was unmotivated. Most people would have acted the same way as your wife. She probably considered that it was hard to make a new lifestyle, but it doesn't really matter. She can give you extra time or some sympathy, but at some point in time that runs out and she feels lied to.
> Best of luck


I'm not mad at her. In fact, a big part of me doesn't blame her for leaving. She needs someone who is active, driven, and achieves their goals. This is something that I wasn't providing for a long time. Still, she told me she wants me to change while I was going through the most difficult time of my life, and when she didn't see results in less than two months, she decided to leave. Plus, I think her own frustrations with not finding work and not being able to support herself (which were two major stresses for her) helped her to make her decision quicker.

Through counseling, I've come to the realization that I was more depressed this past year than I was letting myself see. I had an extremely stressful job: I worked 65+ hours a week and my boss would pull me into his office around two times a week and scream at me, saying I'm inadequate at my job in so many words. This was completely demoralizing, and given the fact that I didn't have any self esteem, I took it to heart. It completely broke me.

Then, I would drive 250 miles every other weekend to see my ex while she was at school. Every time I went out there, she studied the entire weekend, and I brought my work with me. We never had any quality time. And this went on for 8 months at least.

Afterward, I talked with some of my friends about my depression, and they all said that they saw it. I could say that I wish they would've told me, but in reality, I probably wouldn't have listened back then. I was in complete denial.

This was my life for quite some time. When my ex and I first started to drift apart, we decided to make a trip to Seattle. We had planned on moving there, find work, and going back to school. When we were there, I felt so happy, like I belonged up there. I was laughing, I was focused entirely on researching Masters programs at the University of Washington, the job marked looked promising, and I was genuinely happy again. It's no surprise that this trip rekindled our relationship, at least for the time being. But when we returned home, I fell back into my old ways. I was still processing my mom's death. I just lost my job. We ran out of money, and had to rely on our wedding fund to make ends meet. Our house was torn apart for the remodel...

Now that I've had some time to process the separation, I realize why she fell out of love. Because I was no longer the man she fell in love with. I lost my focus, my self esteem, my drive, my confidence, my love for life, you name it. Spending some time alone was exactly what I needed. I feel like an improved version of the old me. The traits that I used to have are all enhanced. I've never been more driven, I've never felt more confident, and I've never felt like my goals have been so achievable. The funny thing is, all I needed was some time alone and some self reflection for this to happen.


----------



## anx

> I worked 65+ hours a week and my boss would pull me into his office around two times a week and scream at me, saying I'm inadequate at my job in so many words. This was completely demoralizing, and given the fact that I didn't have any self esteem, I took it to heart. It completely broke me.


 Wow, that sounds horrible.



> The funny thing is, all I needed was some time alone and some self reflection for this to happen.


 That isn't easy to do in a relationship, under stress, job issues, arguing, etc. When one person is "broken" in a relationship, its so hard for them to fix anything because suddenly the relationship also goes south. You lose the support you need and everything gets mixed up and overwhelming. I'm glad you've found it.

I really like what you wrote. I would send what you just wrote to her in a letter. She needs to know this stuff and your reflections. Its hard to get that out in words sometimes, and she will be hurting. Write this or something like it down and send it to her or hand it to her and let her read it.

I hope she gives you a second chance.

also


> She told me that all of these months, she was fooling herself in believing we could work. Our friends, our counselor, and I all saw a very happy woman up until the last month of our relationship.


 My wife said something similar to this to me. It was because she had never really forgiven me that we could never get past it. It didn't matter how perfect of a husband I was. Without forgiveness, nothing I did right mattered. She had a "realization" that she was still unhappy and fooling herself. She was trying to force it while still holding onto the hurt, anger, and not forgiving. We have reconnected, but it was 1.5 months of pretty brutal treatment of me by her while I showed her as much love as I could.

Your initial question was how to maintain contact. 
-Write letters to her. One a week. Tell her you are sorry and a different person.
-Short, low-key, fun mini dates. Go shopping together or bowling or drinks. Nothing more than an hour or 2 for a bit.
-Make her dinner and have her over for it or something. 

Best of luck.


----------



## jeffsmith77

anx said:


> Wow, that sounds horrible.


It really was. But I felt like I just needed to get through it, since the job paid well. The "new" me realizes that happiness is so much more important than money, and if I'm ever in a similar situation again, I'm leaving.





anx said:


> That isn't easy to do in a relationship, under stress, job issues, arguing, etc. When one person is "broken" in a relationship, its so hard for them to fix anything because suddenly the relationship also goes south. You lose the support you need and everything gets mixed up and overwhelming. I'm glad you've found it.


Thanks. The funny thing is this breakup, in it's own way, was the best thing that could've happened to me. I needed some time, and I needed to be alone. I became dependent on her for love, since I was unable to love myself. Having that love taken away helped to open my eyes.



anx said:


> I really like what you wrote. I would send what you just wrote to her in a letter. She needs to know this stuff and your reflections. Its hard to get that out in words sometimes, and she will be hurting. Write this or something like it down and send it to her or hand it to her and let her read it.


When I saw her (and it's still the only time I've seen her since she left), I told her pretty much the same thing. I think that having her see me so happy and positive, seeing me 15 pounds lighter, and hearing me say that I've taken a new lease on life, was crucial. Writing a letter is a great idea, but to SEE the changes, and to hear the tone in my voice, was the best way to show her that I'm on the right path, and I'm doing it for me. What's ironic is suddenly I'm the positive one, making huge strides towards achieving my goals, and she's the one who feels depressed and stuck in life.



anx said:


> I hope she gives you a second chance.


Thanks, I hope so too, but only if she's willing to work on herself. We both have improvements to make for ourselves to make any relationship work, whether it's rekindling ours, or working on a future relationship with someone else. She and I can't maintain the type of relationship we want if we continued to be like we were.

I honestly still believe that something can work, but it's going to take some time. I hear that she's looking to move back to the Portland/Vancouver area for work and (possibly) school. Showing her I'm committed to maintaining my drive and active lifestyle, and if she can show me she's committed to communicate openly, then I think we could work it out. Love as strong as ours doesn't completely vanish, but it eventually will if we don't work on ourselves.



anx said:


> She had a "realization" that she was still unhappy and fooling herself. She was trying to force it while still holding onto the hurt, anger, and not forgiving. We have reconnected, but it was 1.5 months of pretty brutal treatment of me by her while I showed her as much love as I could.


I'm sorry to hear you went through this. My ex was not kind to me either, toward the end of our relationship. I'm showing her some love and support, but I'm keeping it minimal. Her grandfather passed away yesterday, so I gave her a brief phone call to send my condolences, and I sent her family some flowers. I want to offer some support, because I want her to know I still care for her, but I also don't want her to rely on me for support. A big part of me wants her to feel the void in her life. Also, she needs some time alone as well.



anx said:


> Your initial question was how to maintain contact.
> -Write letters to her. One a week. Tell her you are sorry and a different person.
> -Short, low-key, fun mini dates. Go shopping together or bowling or drinks. Nothing more than an hour or 2 for a bit.
> -Make her dinner and have her over for it or something.


Good advice, but this will be difficult. She's 250 miles away, and she may never move back here. I'll be seeing my counselor tonight, and I'll talk to her about the possibility of another letter. What concerns me is that my ex is so overwhelmed with everything right now, I don't want to put more pressure on her.


----------



## disabled

jeffsmith77 said:


> It really was. But I felt like I just needed to get through it, since the job paid well. The "new" me realizes that happiness is so much more important than money, and if I'm ever in a similar situation again, I'm leaving.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks. The funny thing is this breakup, in it's own way, was the best thing that could've happened to me. I needed some time, and I needed to be alone. I became dependent on her for love, since I was unable to love myself. Having that love taken away helped to open my eyes.
> 
> 
> 
> When I saw her (and it's still the only time I've seen her since she left), I told her pretty much the same thing. I think that having her see me so happy and positive, seeing me 15 pounds lighter, and hearing me say that I've taken a new lease on life, was crucial. Writing a letter is a great idea, but to SEE the changes, and to hear the tone in my voice, was the best way to show her that I'm on the right path, and I'm doing it for me. What's ironic is suddenly I'm the positive one, making huge strides towards achieving my goals, and she's the one who feels depressed and stuck in life.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks, I hope so too, but only if she's willing to work on herself.  We both have improvements to make for ourselves to make any relationship work, whether it's rekindling ours, or working on a future relationship with someone else. She and I can't maintain the type of relationship we want if we continued to be like we were.
> 
> I honestly still believe that something can work, but it's going to take some time. I hear that she's looking to move back to the Portland/Vancouver area for work and (possibly) school. Showing her I'm committed to maintaining my drive and active lifestyle, and if she can show me she's committed to communicate openly, then I think we could work it out. Love as strong as ours doesn't completely vanish, but it eventually will if we don't work on ourselves.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry to hear you went through this. My ex was not kind to me either, toward the end of our relationship. I'm showing her some love and support, but I'm keeping it minimal. Her grandfather passed away yesterday, so I gave her a brief phone call to send my condolences, and I sent her family some flowers. I want to offer some support, because I want her to know I still care for her, but I also don't want her to rely on me for support. A big part of me wants her to feel the void in her life. Also, she needs some time alone as well.
> 
> 
> 
> Good advice, but this will be difficult. She's 250 miles away, and she may never move back here. I'll be seeing my counselor tonight, and I'll talk to her about the possibility of another letter. What concerns me is that my ex is so overwhelmed with everything right now, I don't want to put more pressure on her.


Okay Jeff

Here is my input, I am going to be informative as possible. I lost my job in 2004, It took me 1 year to mourn the loss of my pride, Then in 2005 I got hired on at Wal Mart, I worked for like 5 years and 4 days, The doctor pulled me out of the workforce do to my disability. That is not all. 

January 1st, 2010, I have driven from Thorndale Texas all the way to Abilene Texas. I watched my wife's dad pass away right in front of me. And here is the kicker, My common law wife was with me at the time, I held her, and hugged her. I feel since the downfall of my working career and all of the stuff that has been happening. From affairs, to attempts put on her life, to almost dissolving the relationship. It made both of us think real hard on what we both wanted. We both had bad qualities in life. Those were speaking negative about this and that. I became the first to speak of this. I told my common law wife we needed to work on each other. I almost died driving myself to the hospital in Temple texas due to hypocalcemia. Anyways, I have came to grips to accept my common law wife for who she is, she has came to grips to accept me for who i am. We both dreamed of being slim and trim. As you know, the older you get, the harder it becomes to lose weight. Now Jeff, your girlfriend should understand the job market is extremely tight, nothing will always be achieved. If she is active and goal achieving, that is great. Sometimes in life, you have to take the good with the bad. I give pitty for her grand daddy passing. I offer pitty for your mom passing as well. My heart goes to you and her both. Back to my wife and I, we both are a team. Yesterday her two kittens passed in our bedroom. I held her and comforted her. You know, outside looks has to be accepted. It is what on the heart that matters. 

I am wishing you the best. :smthumbup:

Disabled


----------

