# Identifying My Problem



## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

At age 52 faced with the problem that my W has a suddenly renewed interest in sexual relations... and I don’t. 
We talk to find out why. 

She says: I need to initiate more often - meaning that she wants me to begin, start, set into motion (in this context) lovemaking. For me to do that... requires that I would want to, that I have a need to, and I don’t. 

She says: I need to be more assertive - meaning: inclined to bold, confident, self-assured - showing a determined or energetic pursuit for a goal - and I don’t have that goal. 

She says there’s all sorts of different and interesting things we can do, and that there isn’t anything that I could ask her for that would surprise her, so all I have to do is tell her what I want... and I look at her like she’s from Mars. No on has ever asked me what I want before, and I don’t have an answer for her.

She says: What about you’re Ex-wife, what did you two do? 
I was happy to be there, so I did what ever she wanted, 

My W rethinks her question, and than asks: 
Okay... think about the best sexual experience you ever had and tell me why it was better then the rest.... 
I don’t have an answer. They were all pretty much the same.

She says: But you must have explored things? Experimented? Tried stuff? didn’t any one you were ever with ask for something different? 
Nope - none of that - never happened.

--this conversation go on for over a year--

Finally I begin to realize that we are having a breakdown in communication. The words that each of us are using has a different meaning to each of us because of what we have experienced. Our own individual sexual histories are tinting our language.

I ask her to describe one of her past ‘casual’ sexual encounters, How did it happen? At a party. So the very first time you met was at a party? No. I’d met him before. Okay, Then what? He asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter. Then what? We left to go on a walk. Then what? Then we kissed and things happened. 

So the opportunity came about because you two were at the same party? Yes. 
He was assertive in that he spoke to you at the party? Yes. 
Assertive that he asked you away from the party? Yes. 
Initiated the touching and kiss? Yes... 
He knew what he wanted? Yes....

That's when I realized the problem. 

I had no such opportunities. I didn’t go to the party because I never got the invitation, never met the friend of a friend from a club she was in because I wasn’t in the club... the opportunity to meet people never existed. I never knew you were supposed to buy the table of girls a drink at the bar. No one ever mentioned it. I never walked up and introduced myself because I had no idea what to say... 

Sure... once upon a time when I was 19 or so, I had sexual urges... but they were unfulfilled. But it’s a tad bit difficult to have sex with someone if there never is a someone to have sex with... it’s just frustrating. So sexual urges -for me- became an annoyance, a hindrance. Those urges weren’t ever going to be fulfilled so why listen to them? Why pay them any mind? So I ignored them. Turned them off. I went years between girlfriends, even spent three years in my twenties in a sexless relationship...

So there it is. I get it now. I find arousal an annoyance. 

I can go to bed with my wife and find her very proximity arousing... and never say a word. I’ll just scoot away, shift positions, roll over... and start counting sheep.

So now what? 

I buried my “on” switch some thirty years ago... 
isn't it pointless to try finding it now? 

I mean, you know what they say, 
_the past is the past_... 
Shouldn't we leave it be?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, except your borderline asexuality is now threatening your marriage.

So -- depends on what your priorities are, I suppose.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I would seek sex therapy, and bring your wife along with you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Exactly. Leave the past in the past. You aren't a shy, lonely, socially awkward 19 year old anymore. At least not with women. You somehow attracted your wife, right? Two of them even. 
So stop playing the role of the guy who is angry that he can't get laid because he doesn't know how and work on being happy that you attracted a woman who loves you and wants to share herself with you. 
Be in the present. Stop rolling over when you're aroused like a single guy and roll onto your wife like the married man that you are. What do you have to lose except bitterness and frustration?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

OP, do you think that all those early years of sexual frustration has built up a lot of resentment towards women, your own sex drive, or maybe in general? Do you think that maybe some bitterness developed all those years ago due to not getting laid, and you've never really resolved that?

I ask because it sounds like you've been carrying some of that for a really long time, and maybe you don't want to deal with it because you don't want to confront all that. You already said that you intentionally "switched off". If that's the case, the only way to "switch on" is going to be to confront all those feelings. Maybe go to counseling or buy some books on sexuality.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> At age 52 faced with the problem that my W has a suddenly renewed interest in sexual relations... and I don’t.
> We talk to find out why.
> 
> She says: I need to initiate more often - meaning that she wants me to begin, start, set into motion (in this context) lovemaking. For me to do that... requires that I would want to, that I have a need to, and I don’t.
> ...


I'm confused. Basically, you're wife is writing you a blank check when she says "there isn’t anything that I could ask her for that would surprise her, so all I have to do is tell her what I want."

In response, you are a combination of annoyed that you have to get aroused, thinking she's from Mars and and wondering if it's even worth the effort?

I know you've been around here for at leat a little bit MrV, so I'm sure you understand the rarity of a blank check from a married women to her man, not to mention the rarity level goes up for a women whose been married as long as your wife has been to you.

And you'd rather ignore your arousal so you can count sheep? 

Do you think about things from your wife's point of view? Imagine if you were amped up, raring to go and wanted your wife badly (and from the sounds of your post, she wants you REALLY bad), and all she could do is qonder if it's even worth the effort of getting aroused for you? 

I'm not saying you need to do what she wants all the time, and start banging like a screen door in a hurricane, but how about a little compromise for the woman you love?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MrVanilla said:


> So there it is. I get it now. I find arousal an annoyance.
> 
> I can go to bed with my wife and find her very proximity arousing... and never say a word. I’ll just scoot away, shift positions, roll over... and start counting sheep.
> 
> ...


Hi Mr. Vanilla ~

So, you say you have a 'switch', eh? Something that has been buried, turned off long ago?

Do you ever wonder whether that old switch can be dug up?

Do you ever wonder whether that old switch can be turned on, and what may happen if it is?

Do you want more out of your marriage, out of your life?

Do you like living your life with part of you buried and in the dark?

If so, then why even ask the question of 'leaving it be'?

You have thrown down the gauntlet of 'why not leave it be', and I accept - I CHALLENGE you to WAKE UP and NOT 'leave it be'. I challenge you to come out of your ego-centric view, lift the wool from your eyes, and actually SEE what could be... all it takes is you being willing to try.

When you lay next to your wife, don't just roll over and squelch the urge...REACH FOR HER.

Take a chance on life... you only get one shot going around in this life... and it's amazing how many wonderful things can be added to plain vanilla to make it astonishingly good if you but try them.

Best wishes.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Go to the doctor and have your testosterone levels checked. Since I don't live in your head, I suppose I should accept what you are saying is possible. But, I find it awfully hard to believe that, even though you trained yourself to suppress your sexual urges for the years that you had to, you still prefer to suppress them despite the numerous temptations and invitations. I simply find it too hard to believe any man can do that so easily and preferably.

What I think I'm hearing from you is an inability, such as erectile dysfunction, that makes your rhetoric easy for you to believe. You drew this conclusion because it doesn't happen, and you attribute it not happening to your superior mind control.

Not at all believable. It is more likely you need testosterone therapy. And/Or, it may be that you need assistance from something like Viagra or Cialis. There are a lot of men in your situation and more often than not, there is a reason. Very often, that reason turns out to be something that medical attention can solve.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I suppose it comes down to whether you want to stay married and if you care whether your wife is happy or not.

You sound really odd in your posts. A complete lack of affect, emotion, empathy. And you also sound like you have very deep seated resentment towards women in general and a fear of female sexuality. 

You obviously don't think there's anything wrong with you, so I don't suppose you're going to listen, but you need intensive sex therapy. You need to find out why you wanted to, and were able to, suppress your sexuality for so long. 

Also, you said with your first wife you were just happy to be there and you did whatever she wanted, why can't you do that now? Why can't you do what your current wife wants?

I think you think being interested in sex is somehow inferior to being indifferent to it. Maybe it's some kind of moral issue, maybe you think the mind should control the body, who knows? I'm just glad my husband doesn't feel the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> That's when I realized the problem.
> 
> I had no such opportunities. I didn’t go to the party because I never got the invitation, never met the friend of a friend from a club she was in because I wasn’t in the club... the opportunity to meet people never existed. I never knew you were supposed to buy the table of girls a drink at the bar. No one ever mentioned it. I never walked up and introduced myself because I had no idea what to say...
> 
> ...


Forgive me if I'm overreaching...but from what I'm 'picking up'...most especially from this portion of your post, I would just advise you:

Don't indulge this idea too much. Okay? 

Don't make this rather _tragically romantic_ burden from the past an overly defining part of your identity.

(Writers, being rather sensitive souls, are particularly susceptible to this sort of behavior. They enjoy romancing the alluring sisters: Nostalgia, Regret and Melancholy. Alas, this is often done to their personal detriment, even if some strange part of them inexplicably enjoys it--although again, I apologize if this truly doesn't apply in your case)

Anyway, so you've identified your problem? That's Great!

Please realize that the only person who can hold yourself hostage to this problem is YOU.

I think you'd be wise to ignore any temptation to ruminate further...and start asking yourself: What is the most productive, beneficial *ACTION* I can now take to *MOVE FORWARD *?

_"She says: I need to initiate more often - meaning that she wants me to begin, start, set into motion (in this context) lovemaking. *For me to do that... requires that I would want to, that I have a need to, and I don’t.*"_


Oh I beg to differ...there are ways to pleasure your wife that don't require your personal arousal...and incidentally, if you'd "fake it until you feel it"...the..ahem..._rest of you_ would probably come around...

That is, provided you're not hell-bent on making the notion_ "I find arousal annoying" _an indelible part of your personal identity (brutal self-honesty is critical here)

_"I can go to bed with my wife and find her very proximity arousing"_

And truly, this very fact alone should make you *quite optimistic* that things can indeed improve...as long as you move forward with a conscious and sincere desire to change your current state of affairs...

TL;DR {Blunt Version}...End the personal pity party and go get your "hot to trot" wife *off*... whether you're in the mood to or not...you'll very likely be happier for it!! :smthumbup:

Good Luck


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

wow.......You got a golden ticket dude. You gotta man up and represent. Come on bro you gonna make us look bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

That's all fine and good, but dont show up on the cwi boards whinning about your "cheating wife". You have an opportunity to have a healthy sexual relationship and you are the direct problem. You refuse to do what needs to be done for marriage to succeed.


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