# Am I Wrong for Being Upset?



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Last week I was taking my wife to the Doctor because my she didn't have a car. I was working on hers and she asked my daughter the night before if she could use hers the next day. 

So on the way my wife was upset that my daughter didn't come home that night and she couldn't get a hold of her. She had got a hold of her girlfriend that was with her, and she told her that my daughter was still a sleep at this guys house where they all was the night before. The girlfreind was not there anymore.

I told my wife that I really didn't like the idea of her spending the night at a guys house that I don't know nothing about. 

My daughter is 20 years old and still lives with us while she is going to college. She is really a good girl and has her priorities straight. Both me and my wife have a very open relationship with her. We had given my daughter a promise ring in the past, and she was agreeing to save herself for the one she marries. 

About a year ago she said she was in love with this one guy and ended up sleeping with him. He dumped her shortly after and she ended up telling us about it and she doesn't like the fact she felt out of control at the time. Anyway she still plans on waiting for the right guy, but I know at her age and the fact she has allready slept with someone, It could happen again. I just don't want her to get hurt, pregnant, STD's ect.

Now a little about me and my wife. She had an emotional affair, that went physical one night 3 1/2 years ago and I also was with a hooker 6 months before that for a HJ that I told her about after I found out about the affair. We have worked through the hardest parts, and things have been pretty good.

So back to the story. I was telling my wife that I really don't like the idea of my daughter staying the night at the guys house, and that I was just worried that something could happen in the future. I did not accuse her of anything. I was just being a dad. My wife was complaining about her not being responsable for getting the car to her, and some other things. But the minute I started saying something she started getting all defensive about her actions, ect. It turned into a small arguement and then my wife said "Well I am the type of person that trusts people, Just because they sleep with someone one time doesn't mean they are going to do it again."

I instantly triggered, and said oh so when you were talking to the OM on the phone, and I thought I heard a mans voice, and when I asked you, you said it was a girlfreind, that wasn't a trusting person? And when you lied to me all the other times, that wasn't a trusting person? It turned into short fight after this until we got to the doctors office.

The next night my wife come up to me and said I am hurt that you brought up the affair yesterday, which I was still hurting about her statement, and was waiting for the right time to bring it up. When I told her that I was still hurting too, and we need to talk she blew up! She said you always have to be the one hurting, blah blah. I don't even remember half of what she said. I tried talking and told her I was sorry for bringing it up, and that it triggered me, but she siad how can you think that when we was talking about our daughter. She was dismissing my feelings. She then started saying you think she is a **** just like you think I am. I told her I never said that, which I didn't but she wouldn't drop it. It was like she was almost insisting I call her a ****. (her mom did this to her when she was younger and got pregnant) 

I had to go to work, so the fight ended. She texted me she was so sorry that she hurt my feelings, and she doen't want to fight anymore. And that she will just keep her feelings to herself from now on since mine mean more then hers does.

That was last week, and nothing more has been said since then. I still don't feel right about the whole thing, but afraid to bring it up anymore. She will let things go like this and act like nothing is wrong. I'm not sure if I should give it more time and see if it doesn't bother me or what?

Oh life is such a joy sometimes.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

She's sh*t testing you. You need to call her out on her snide remarks and let her know that you feel what you feel and she blew it out of proportion. Don't give her the right to treat you any kind of way just because of her guilt.

Call her out on it, let her know that if she wants to talk about it like two adults then you all can do that, but you don't respond well to her blowing up and making accusations. Then go about your business. Let her come around to you and don't hang around her hoping to make things better unless she comes correct.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Blue Moon's advice is pretty solid

She was also dismissive of you when she used the line that your feelings are more important than hers

Sounds as if you both still have issues from your infidelities. Do you still get any counseling?


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

I don't know about anyone else, but I take her blowing up at you as a good sign. She's ashamed. That's why she did it. She loves you. She got very defensive. 

You said it, though. You triggered. You lost control and brought up the affair. She reacted. 

It wasn't about all of that, but you made it about that. So, that's tough for two people who are trying to put that stuff behind them. I think you meant well, but when you lost it and brought that up, I kind of think you were wrong for that. She reacted off of you. 

As far as your daughter, you raised her the best you could. You can't control what she does or doesn't do. She's going to do that on her own. You have to let go.

I can sympathize because I have a daughter too. The thought of someone touching her makes me want to tear someone apart. But I know it's going to happen. You have to give your daughter credit. She made a mistake, and you have to imagine she learned from that mistake. Hopefully she has. But if she hasn't, you need to let her make her next mistake, and her next. You're not going to approve of everything she does. I know your concerned. The best thing to do is to talk to her about it. Talk to your daughter about your worry. Don't go all accusatory or anything, but just tell her you love her and you're worried. She might be uncomfortable, but in the end, she knows you love her and you mean well. That counts for something, right?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

First things first. In your home, kids living with you who are financially supported by you need to follow rules... And one rule is they don't stay out all night. If she wants to be an adult, then you take away financial support and stop paying for college and kick her out of your home.

Regarding your daughter's choice to be sexual, you can't really control that, but you can make is so she follows rules in your home that she chooses to live in under your generosity.

Same attitide and principles apply to your wife as well.... Her choice to be there, but if she is going to be there then she has to follow your rules.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> She's sh*t testing you. You need to call her out on her snide remarks and let her know that you feel what you feel and she blew it out of proportion. Don't give her the right to treat you any kind of way just because of her guilt.
> 
> Call her out on it, let her know that if she wants to talk about it like two adults then you all can do that, but you don't respond well to her blowing up and making accusations. Then go about your business. Let her come around to you and don't hang around her hoping to make things better unless she comes correct.


I would have to wait untill the weekend to talk to her again. I work second shift and there is no other good time. I feel like it would be to late then. Also she has been fine since she sent the text. She came to me Sunday afternoon and wanted to make love. I wasn't even in the mood. I told her I wasn't and she seemed to be okay with it.


Toffer said:


> Blue Moon's advice is pretty solid
> 
> She was also dismissive of you when she used the line that your feelings are more important than hers
> 
> Sounds as if you both still have issues from your infidelities. Do you still get any counseling?


We went to counseling for over a year. I don't feel like I need anymore. But I believe she could use some to deal with the way she feels about herself. The issues of forgiving herself for the things she has done in the past.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Crazy8 said:


> I don't know about anyone else, but I take her blowing up at you as a good sign. She's ashamed. That's why she did it. She loves you. She got very defensive.
> 
> You said it, though. You triggered. You lost control and brought up the affair. She reacted.
> 
> ...


I know it would of been best if I didn't bring it up. I don't know if you have went through infidelity, but when the triggers come it's hard to control the way you feel, and the things you say sometimes.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Hicks said:


> First things first. In your home, kids living with you who are financially supported by you need to follow rules... And one rule is they don't stay out all night. If she wants to be an adult, then you take away financial support and stop paying for college and kick her out of your home.
> 
> Regarding your daughter's choice to be sexual, you can't really control that, but you can make is so she follows rules in your home that she chooses to live in under your generosity.
> 
> Same attitide and principles apply to your wife as well.... Her choice to be there, but if she is going to be there then she has to follow your rules.


Well she got a full ride to college on her own. So I can't threaten her with that. As far as her staying out I am not real upset about it. She has some really good friends and they all stay over night at the same place. I just worry sometimes when she gets a new boyfriend. That was all I was trying to tell my wife.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your wife had an EA that turned physical and lies about it for a time.


trust is hard to earn back and her attitude dose not sound like shes trying to earn it back.


score 2 her an Ea and an pa you 1/2 a hand job without any emotion and you didn't sneak around behind her back lieing about not loving someone else.

Put her in her place.


you can't control your daughters sex life shes an adult. but if she wants to act like an adult then she should be responsible and if your wife needed her car she should have made an effort to give it to her. she sound ungratefull just like your wife.


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

You both betrayed each other, it is just a matter to what degree you classify the acts, to me an EA/PA is much worse than a one time thing with a hooker(no emotion) I am not condoning any of it you were both wrong. Look at it this way if I jump off of my shed I am going to get hurt, If I jump off my house I will probably die, I jumped in both cases so I am stupid. You do have more of a right to be upset and hurt and that never goes away she should remember that, so should you when she has an issue with what you did you have no right to complain or get upset it is what you are each feeling. You are both responsible to help and comfort each other when the betrayal issues come up today, tomorrow or in ten years.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> I know it would of been best if I didn't bring it up. I don't know if you have went through infidelity, but when the triggers come it's hard to control the way you feel, and the things you say sometimes.


I haven't gone through infidelity in my marriage. But I have in previous relationships. I know you're only human. 

What I'm trying to do is give another way of thinking about it. If you were in her place, and you did something you are so ashamed of, and all of a sudden she threw it back in your face, what would you do? You'd probably react a lot like she did. I probably would. 

This stuff is messy. You reacted out of your humanness, and then she reacted out of her humanness. It's tough to give a pass for your humanness and not give her a pass for hers. You know what I mean? 

I'm not judging or anything. I just want to offer a little bit of a different perspective on it. The way I feel about it a lot of perspectives are better than 1 or 2. Then you can get down to the core of what's going on in this confrontation, which is probably your hurt over what she did. 

Maybe that's the real issue here. Maybe the situation was just a vehicle that brought it to the surface. Maybe not. Only you can answer that. 

And by the way, I don't think I said it, but you're not wrong to be upset. You feel what you feel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nxs450 said:


> it's hard to control the way you feel, and the things you say sometimes.


What did you learn in your 1+ year of counseling? Surely they taught you something about learning to control your verbal reactions, so that your conversations are more productive? Have you done any work on that? It doesn't sound like it.

You DO have control over what you say. You just didn't want to, at the time, because you were hurting and you wanted to feel better. Did you apologize?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Re your daughter, what kinds of talks have you had with her about this? Have you talked about consequences? What if this guy or a roommate does drugs, and they get raided? Your daughter goes to jail and loses her scholarship. Talk about stuff like that.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> your wife had an EA that turned physical and lies about it for a time.
> 
> 
> trust is hard to earn back and her attitude dose not sound like shes trying to earn it back.
> ...


After I found out about her affair I debated if I should tell her about the HJ in Vegas when I went to the races. Sad thing is I thought it was something I would like. Me and the wife wasn't close at the time. I know it is no excuse but, I remember feeling regretful during the act, and didn't get off. 

I talked to several of my friends about telling her, and they told me I shouldn't. It wasn't the same thing to them. I didn't think it was exactly the same either. But I new It was cheating, even though it was a one time thing, and there were no emotions or anything else involved. So I ended up telling her. I couldn't keep it from her since I was beating her up about her affair.

I asked her if she felt guilty like I did while her and the OM was scr**ing, and she said no. But she said she didn't enjoy it at all. She was drunk at the time and said she remembered asking him if he was in yet, and then she just wanted it to be over with. She said the only reason she did it was because she new he liked her, and she thought that would make him like her more. That sounds like some childish crap to me, so I don't know what to believe, but she has always stuck to that story.

Like I said this all happened 3 1/2 years ago and she has done almost everything she could to help me work through it. Other then the times I trigger instantly she still gets real defensive, because in her words, she says I don't act like I'm hurting then, I act mad, duh! 

About my daughter, she does really acts ungrateful sometimes. She is really a good girl, but I am going to put my foot down about some of the things she has been doing.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Zippy the chimp said:


> You both betrayed each other, it is just a matter to what degree you classify the acts, to me an EA/PA is much worse than a one time thing with a hooker(no emotion) I am not condoning any of it you were both wrong. Look at it this way if I jump off of my shed I am going to get hurt, If I jump off my house I will probably die, I jumped in both cases so I am stupid. You do have more of a right to be upset and hurt and that never goes away she should remember that, so should you when she has an issue with what you did you have no right to complain or get upset it is what you are each feeling. You are both responsible to help and comfort each other when the betrayal issues come up today, tomorrow or in ten years.


I agree!


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

turnera said:


> What did you learn in your 1+ year of counseling? Surely they taught you something about learning to control your verbal reactions, so that your conversations are more productive? Have you done any work on that? It doesn't sound like it.
> 
> You DO have control over what you say. You just didn't want to, at the time, because you were hurting and you wanted to feel better. Did you apologize?


I usualy control myself and wait until I am calm, and talk to her then. It is one of those times I didn't. I apologized, but she dimissed it. She seemed to think I was wrong for being upset.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Crazy8 said:


> I haven't gone through infidelity in my marriage. But I have in previous relationships. I know you're only human.
> 
> What I'm trying to do is give another way of thinking about it. If you were in her place, and you did something you are so ashamed of, and all of a sudden she threw it back in your face, what would you do? You'd probably react a lot like she did. I probably would.
> 
> ...


I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if you drink to the point that you make poor choices then mybe she has a problem with alcohol.

I like to down some beers and nothing wrong with indulging but if you end up in bed with someone other than your wife/husband then maybe you should advoid it alltogether.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nxs450 said:


> I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.


So?

Be smarter than that. I know, easier said than done. But if you want to get anywhere, you have to get outside your comfort zone.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.


Right. But how sensitive were you to her feelings of shame? You weren't.

So you're saying "I was hurt, why didn't she pay attention to my feelings"? 

But, you just did the same thing. What's crazy is she apologized for it. 

I'm not saying she was 100% right. And you're 100% right for being upset. But you have to own up to the things you weren't right about. I'm guessing she's feeling about the same as you feel about this whole thing. That you're dismissing how she felt.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Zippy the chimp said:


> You both betrayed each other, it is just a matter to what degree you classify the acts, to me an EA/PA is much worse than a one time thing with a hooker(no emotion) I am not condoning any of it you were both wrong. Look at it this way if I jump off of my shed I am going to get hurt, If I jump off my house I will probably die, I jumped in both cases so I am stupid. You do have more of a right to be upset and hurt and that never goes away she should remember that, so should you when she has an issue with what you did you have no right to complain or get upset it is what you are each feeling. You are both responsible to help and comfort each other when the betrayal issues come up today, tomorrow or in ten years.


Don't know about this.

From a strictly logical standpoint, you might be correct. But we're not dealing from a strictly logical standpoint. We're dealing from an emotional standpoint. Emotions is what got us here, and not logic. So, I'm not sure saying someone has a "right" to feel something over another is realistic. Both sides have the right to feel whatever. It's going to happen whether they have a right to it or not, so you might as well go with it.

You're also dismissing the shame the wife probably feels over a big mistake. What's the thing mistake in your life you're most ashamed of? Now imagine your wife or significant other shoves it in your face. And maybe this isn't the 1st time. How do you feel?


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

The big question is should I bring it up again? The last thing said was her text saying, "I guess your feelings matter more". All I ever wanted to do was talk about the way I felt too, when she origonaly brought her feelings up.

I don't work Sunday so I will bring it up again. Hopefully all will go well. Another thing she has been on testosterone cream for her libido, and she thinks it is making her irritable. Last weekend she switched to applying it every other day, instead of once a day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever heard of validation? Look it up. What she said was said because she doesn't felt heard, validated, or cared about. 

This is VERY valuable information, nxs. She's telling you that you're not doing a great job making her feel loved. 

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? I suggest you get a copy and, Sunday, show it to her and ask her to read it with you. You will BOTH learn a LOT about what you should be doing in this relationship.


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