# Low sex drive in husband



## LT93 (Jun 13, 2021)

Hi

looking for advice. my husband & best friend of 10 years just isn’t ever into sex. I’ve tried everything. I’ve bought toys, I’ve booked hotel rooms, I’ve bought sexy underwear and I’ve tried to make no big deal. He just doesn’t enjoy it. He does give it once a week, but doesn’t partake in anything oral and I’m really bored.

I wouldn’t ever leave him for it, but I’m so sexually deprived that I’m at a huge loss. We’ve spoken about it, checked it isn’t anything medical. We have also spoken to the doctor but they advised against Viagra or anything alike because it’s not that he can’t get hard, he just doesn’t want sex.

I have put weight on so part blamed it on that, but I was 12 stone when we got together and for the first 2-3 months we’d have sex 3 times a week (which was still never quite enough for me).
I just don’t know what to do anymore. When I didn’t speak we went 2-3 months without anything, when i do discuss he’s clearly unhappy. When I don’t talk and just try to start it I get pushed off and feel lower than ever and I reallllly need like 6 hours of time all for me.

He doesn’t have a stressful work or home life either so to be honest, I am starting to think he’s just selfish with it!

What do it do?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What's his "excuse"? He just doesn't want sex? No drive/libido? How old is he?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

do you talk to him about it , and if so what does he think is a good middle ground , does he work long does he by any chance be away from you long could he have a girlfriend or boyfriend , what turns him on most , there are so many types some are just not into sex others go and join sites on line to get what ever they are into , talking is best , and move on from there if you want help post what his responce is


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Does he masturbate? Porn? Would he get hard if he watched gay porn?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LT93 said:


> I wouldn’t ever leave him for it...


Why not? If you’re really unhappy just tell him it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t work on getting himself sorted. At the same time you can start getting yourself in a position where you can leave him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Firstly does he masturbate a lot to porn? Secondly coud he possibly be gay?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Why not? If you’re really unhappy just tell him it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t work on getting himself sorted. At the same time you can start getting yourself in a position where you can leave him.


yes i think it is important part of been together , and often people go outside and find what they are not getting at home but it is never the same , some people do this and it works for them , but I think it is important to talk it out and find what is wrong , I am talking from my experience there was a time that my wife did not like sex had to do with been raped before I got to know her , she loved me a lot and we lived and worked together but lets just say the sex was not the best , she once asked what I wanted for my birthday , I SAID out of fun something like a wild night in the bed with you , and she offered me a escort girl , we talked that night and many nights after and worked out our needs and how it can be better , now many years later it is the other way around as I am often tired going to bed 

best advice I can give is TALK talk and talk again ,


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

LT93 said:


> 3 times a week (which was still never quite enough for me).





LT93 said:


> I reallllly need like 6 hours of time all for me.


Ummmm,
Did you just say you need more than 3 six hour sessions each week?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

First, while the OP may feel that her guy isn't under stress, let me tell you a year of pandemic has put everyone under huge amounts of stress. 

Next, if I read the above post correctly, three sex sessions of six hours each is enough to either wear someone out or at least give them performance anxiety. 

One of the hardest lessons I learned when I was in a sex starved marriage, was that I was not a victim and my wife was not broken and in need of fixing.

Dr. David Schnarch in his books like to point out that in all aspects of marriage there is a high demand and low demand partner. For example, one partner may want lots of children and the other might not. One partner might want/need sex 3 times a day and the other once every other week. One partner might absolutely want chocolate ice cream at least once a day and the other may hate chocolate ice cream, but be OK with having vanilla ice cream once a week. The partner who needs chocolate ice cream may "need" it so badly that they sneak out during the day to get a chocolate ice cream cone a couple times a week, plus have it daily after dinner. 

Just because someone has a low demand or need for chocolate ice cream doesn't mean that they are broken and need to be fixed to be a good spouse. The same is true about the frequency of sex in a relationship. There is no "right number of children in a marriage, just as there is no "right" number of sexual encounters with a spouse during a week. The point of this is that all aspects of a relationship or marriage need to be a negotiated compromise between the partners.

My suggestion is to get some marriage counseling that helps the two to figure out a compromise that they can both live with that meets their emotional and physical needs, even if it is a stretch for both of them.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

12 stone is 168 lbs. that may be a lot depending on how you carry it and your height. So, start to lose weight, exercise, cut out bad calories. You want to look your best, either for your recalcitrant hubby, or some new person you might meet.

when he sees some results in your trying to look more sexy....then have "the talk" about how to rev up your sex life. 

if he is truly not interested in sex, no matter what you try, consider a divorce, joining a nunnery, or getting some side action going. About the side action, talk over if he is ok with you having another part time lover....he may actually favor that, rather than be forced to have unwanted sex.


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## EnglishErnest (Jul 2, 2021)

@LT93 
Thank you for sharing something so difficult. It takes courage, vulnerability and determination to do that. It's not easy.

The first thing to be clear on is:
*What are your priorities and what do you really want?*

First write down what you want, be specific. If you can't write it in a sentence or two, take some time to work it out alone or with someone you trust... or here.

It might be something like: I want penetrative sex with my husband three times a week, specifically always on Fridays and I want to feel like he is attracted to me and enjoys it.

Digging deep here helps. Why do you want that? What does that give you? Why?

For example, if you want sex that looks like an hour long massage, then dirty talk, then up against the wall wildness. Why do you like the massage? What does it mean? Comfort? Support? Security? Nurture? Are there other ways you could do these things that would work better for you both?

I could go on, but hopefully you get the idea. Pin down exactly what you want and why, then put them in priority order.

Once you have that, you can start to communicate about it.

Then for him... three things.
1. As others have said, why is his libido so low? Often it's porn, some times it's affairs, sometimes it is changing attraction, sometimes it's medical. The bottom line is sex can be incredible and it's healthy. Why wouldn't he want that? Again without understanding why you are unlikely to get very far towards sorting it out.
2. Does he love you? If he really loves you he won't have sex with you, he'll actually do his work and find out what's going on for him that's stopping him enjoying the fullness of relationship with a sexy woman. (If you are having problems feeling like a sexy woman, that's another thing for you to look at.)
3. What turns him on and what does he really want? Does he really never want to have sex again? Would he choose not to want regular fun passionate sex if there was a way he could want it again? What did he used to love? What has he always fantasised about doing but never done?

There's lots to work away at there. Be encouraged that many of us have had sexless times in our relationships for months, maybe years, but there are a lot of people who've worked through that and it's now even better than the honeymoon phase


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Theres the big why not question. 

Until you have that direct answer or observed reasons, this is all guessing and conjecture, not likely to help. 

Without the reason(s), all the generic answers in the world will be thrown into the ring for replies. 

So, get to it, why doesn't he?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LT93 said:


> Hi
> 
> looking for advice. my husband & best friend of 10 years just isn’t ever into sex. I’ve tried everything. I’ve bought toys, I’ve booked hotel rooms, I’ve bought sexy underwear and I’ve tried to make no big deal. He just doesn’t enjoy it. He does give it once a week, but doesn’t partake in anything oral and I’m really bored.
> 
> ...


You mention he can get an erection if he wants to so all of the equipment is working if he is aroused. He just doesn't "want to". You also imply that you weighed more when you got together than now, and for awhile after marriage he engaged with you 3 times / week. So weight doesn't sound like a factor UNLESS is is drawn to women that are on heavy side. Is it possible that you losing weight has made you LESS attractive for him.

The once a week "duty" sex with no oral ( not even foreplay? He doesn't enjoy a BJ?!! ) seems like maybe he is harboring deep resentment and punishing you. Are you saying that when you get on top of him he pushes you off??!!
If so, that seems like he is really pi$$ed about something, to the point he denies himself enjoyment to punish you. 

What do you mean 6 hours just for you? 6 hours a day, week, month what? If my wife wanted 6 hours / day she would need to divorce and find someone else because am unable to manage that. Maybe did on our honeymoon but wasn't punching a time clock then. Are you asking for more than he is able to deliver so he has just given up?

You say now you will never leave him, but if this isn't repaired you may leave sooner than you think. If he doen't want sex with you, you can be best friends but not married.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You mention he can get an erection if he wants to so all of the equipment is working if he is aroused. He just doesn't "want to". You also imply that you weighed more when you got together than now, and for awhile after marriage he engaged with you 3 times / week. So weight doesn't sound like a factor UNLESS is is drawn to women that are on heavy side. Is it possible that you losing weight has made you LESS attractive for him.
> 
> The once a week "duty" sex with no oral ( not even foreplay? He doesn't enjoy a BJ?!! ) seems like maybe he is harboring deep resentment and punishing you. Are you saying that when you get on top of him he pushes you off??!!
> If so, that seems like he is really pi$$ed about something, to the point he denies himself enjoyment to punish you.
> ...


Sh!t, if he pushes her off when she's riding the fence post, he's got to give an immediate answer for that and be made to get with the program or get off the team.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Sh!t, if he pushes her off when she's riding the fence post, he's got to give an immediate answer for that and be made to get with the program or get off the team.


My impression was he wudnt let her ride him. Pushed her away when she tried. Really Pi$$ed


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Theres the big why not question.
> 
> Until you have that direct answer or observed reasons, this is all guessing and conjecture, not likely to help.
> 
> ...


Again, what's the why isn't he answer?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> My impression was he wudnt let her ride him. Pushed her away when she tried. Really Pi$$ed


And totally nuts. As in wtf, ffs, batsh!t nuts.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

He is probably off the deep end with porn.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> He is probably off the deep end with porn.


This is always what I think of first, as well.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> This is always what I think of first, as well.


I feel like a moron for having my head in the sand for so long regarding my own porn addicted husband. People on this forum called it YEARS ago and I’m over here thinking I’m the exception to the rule. What a joke!

Sorry op. Time to do some digging!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> I feel like a moron for having my head in the sand for so long regarding my own porn addicted husband. People on this forum called it YEARS ago and I’m over here thinking I’m the exception to the rule. What a joke!
> 
> Sorry op. Time to do some digging!


DON'T worry about that...you are NOT a moron!!!
I actually put up with it and tried to accept it for several years...but of course, that didn't work because the thrill for him was in his mind - he didn't want to sexually interact with a human woman at all.

I think the lying is the worst part, and what I couldn't get over. Any partner who would work so hard to deceive, trick, hide, and confuse me the way he did just couldn't care about me at all!


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