# I'm confused, Any BS want to reveal what they felt early in R?



## Dean12

It's been about 2 months since D-day. She's done just about everything required for a real reconciliation, immediate NC, brutal honesty, MC, submissive, supportive and affectionate. Through are own conversation and MC, I have a good understanding of what led up to the affair. There are a few events that are still unexplained but that is because she doesn't know the answer. She has already told me enough to make walking away very easy and painless.

I haven't done it yet and I am not sure why. I don't feel overly committed to making it work out. I've been spending a lot of my time on myself. I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy and it was like reading an autobiography. It also nailed her profile as the type of mate I would likely get involved with. I've been manning up and she has been reopening her old wounds from childhood that was swept under the carpet and never dealt with. We both are improving and growing.

She has put me through a lot and I don't think she realizes how bad the affair was. She revealed to me that she also committed “financial infidelity” which she thought was worse than the physical affair! I'm not sure how she can think that. I suppose that her priorities might be centered around money but I offered her a generous divorce settlement in the beginning, far better then what a contested divorce would have delivered but she refused. I didn't have the stones to just go and file at the time but it was my knee jerk reaction. I came up with some silly non-workable ideas all designed to shelter me from the reality of D. I now realize that there are only two paths, D or R.

Reading other peoples stories I know that some people would love to have a spouse that was really committed to R but I'm just not feeling much. My anger is either gone or in remission, I'm not sure. I should be angry over the events but just am not. I was curious on the why's and how's but I think I got all the answers available. We are having sex but it's not the same anymore, kind of feels like a series of one night stands. Everything feels kind of distant most of the time. I occasionally feel either mistrust over something she is doing or affection when she reaches out to me but it's fleeting.

I've been walking taller and feeling stronger/prouder due to my recent personal growth. My wife thinks that I will reach a point and divorce her and I'm not sure she is wrong. I don't know what I should be feeling, seem like it should be more. Any BS want to reveal what they felt early in R?


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## tombaby

Dean,

I'm not sure what to tell you. It's a decision you have to make and everyone feels differently. I myself would attempt to reconcile through counseling and see if the healing can begin. 

I'll admit, I'm probably biased because I believe my wife is in an EA right now and possibly PA. She wants a divorce, and I want it to work. I got the ILYBNILWY line and everything. Adamant it's just friends... Whatever.

Anyways, maybe you should take some time before making a decision. But be honest and direct with her. I need a month or whatever to decide what I want. I am really hurt and am not sure what course of action I want to take. I appreciate your attempts, but am not ready to decide one way or the other yet. You don't want her going out looking for someone else again (of course that would make the decision easier). But you also don't want to do anything drastic either. 

Honestly, I think communication and you expressing your needs to her right now are the best bet. Take the time and decide.


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## Kevinb

Give it another crack Mate, but you have to put your heart into it. The grass is not greener for anyone and if anything maybe this can end up being a stronger emotional bond....IF you're willing to forgive


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## Mr Blunt

Early in R I was distant and did not desire to be close. *Like you I spent a lot of time building my self up and getting stronger. I think that is so very important!*

You are in the very early stages and I would not make a decision right now one way or the other. You both are improving and growing and that is a very good sign. *The more that you learn and the more time that you take, that will take away a lot of your confusion.*

There are a lot of other factors that played into my decision but you have not given much detail about other factors such as how well you both match up in your overall personalities. You did say that she is the type of mate that you would likely get involved with so that tells me that she matches up with you pretty good but *what are the details?*


Infidelity is a relationship changing event and there will probably be certain things that will just be lost but it will boil down to the scales. What I mean by scales is that if you stay long enough to get a clearer picture you will probably consider her good points and bad points and put then on a scale and be a better judge of them. If one out weighs the other considerably then it will be easy for you to see which way you should go. Then there will be a lot less confusionon on your part.

I know that some people will not like the scales situation (not real romantic) but there will be some things that are lost like the 100% trust and some of the specialness that some couples have. The adoration and infatuation will also be greatly reduced or gone. Any Idealism that you may have had will be gone; idealism such as she would die for me and never betray me.

With a successful R you can gain in some areas more than you what you had before the Affair. Gaining in those areas can tip the scales into going for the R and can make for a satisfactory to a good marriage. *It will come down to the question of can the gains outweigh the losses.*


I would recommend:

1	Waiting and learning for lot longer than 2 months. Two months is way to early to be able to get a good overall assessment of your situation.

2	Keep working on improving yourself every which way that you can (Very Important)

3	Do not trust your feeling right now.

4	If you and your wife have a LOT of very good qualities and you both compliment each other then it will be very hard to find a replacement for her that will be as good as she is. I doubt that you will ever trust any woman 100% and that is because all women and men are capable of betrayal.

That is all for now. Remember scales scales, scales, Self improvement, self-improvement, self-improvement; *you have to do what is best for you because no one else is going to as much for you as you.*


Mr Blunt with 25+ years of R


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## manticore

it seems that you are still in the limbo state where all your feelings have not settled yet, there are many kinds of reactions to infidelity, there is no a programed reaction about it, some inmediatly know they want R or D, but there are also some whose first reaction is R and the realize that an affair is something they can't over come a file for D and of course there are some whose first reaction is D and file for divorce and then realize they want one more shot, finally there are those who are in a limbo state where they feel kind of numb and reality take a little while to fully hit them and then they can finally decide.

it seems that in that state you want to try to at least don't have the doubt in you about if your marriage was fixable or not, that is not wrong, my advice is not to force yourself more tha possible, remember basically the only reason to reconciliate is if you honestly think that staying with your wife in the end will bring you more happines that the pain you were forced to stand without you concent, if after a while you realize that this is not your case, then you can move on knowing that you at least tried


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## Kevinb

Exactly..."at least you tried"


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## Philat

I've had a few occasions recently on this forum to refer to the grieving process. It's a well-documented series of phases, the first of which is denial/isolation. A mere two months out from Dday, you may be in this phase, OP. If you are at all inclined to give R a chance then stick it out and see if you start to feel differently (you could experience a resurgence of anger before anything else).


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## dignityhonorpride

I don't think you need to make any decisions yet. As Philat says, there is a grieving process; you lost the marriage and the wife you thought you had. You have to let yourself mourn that loss. 

For some people, financial infidelity may be more feared than physical infidelity, just like some people say that an EA would be a dealbreaker but not a ONS, and vice versa. It was disrespectful to her to say that to you, but it seems like she is still 'foggy' and not yet remorseful. She hasn't been hit by the full weight of what she did to you and to your marriage. That can take some time.

Maybe give yourself a deadline: on the six-month 'anniversary' of d-day, you will decide to take definitive steps towards R or D or S. Of course, you can always change your mind after taking the first step to any of these outcomes, but at least then you can know that you don't have to make a choice until XX date.


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## Dean12

She tends to block painful things from her memory but she did tell me last night that she is beginning to understand how the affair affected me. She was scared and looking for me to tell her the marriage would be ok but I was honest with her and told her I didn't know if we would make it or not but I was going to try.

Thanks for the advice, it looks like the consensus is to wait a while longer. I'll wait until November barring any more betrayals to reevaluate where we are. 

September is our 13th anniversary of our marriage. It's also the 1yr anniversary of the start of her affair so I want to give it a month so I don't make a decision based on the moment. Hopefully things will be clearer by then.

Thanks,

Dean


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## Kevinb

Good choice...I think


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## Openminded

One thing I truly don't like is the pressure some cheaters put on the betrayed for reassurance the marriage will survive. The betrayed is usually still reeling for quite awhile. They've taken a killing shot. And they deserve to take their time about deciding. So take yours.


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