# Stuggling between husband and love of my life...



## Emerson (Oct 6, 2008)

Here's the background:

I was involved with a married man (Mark) from 1994-1999 (I was in my early-mid 20's and Mark's six years older). His wife found out about it about half way through. He had two small children. During the last two years I tried to end it and date other men. Many, many times we would start seeing each other again. In 1999, I met a wonderful man whom I married in 2001. I did not see Mark at all during this time. I didn't live in the same town as Mark when we were seeing each other, but my husband did. It is a town of less than 5000 people and we've lived here since 2001. 

Since 2001, I had no contact with Mark except a couple casual conversations at the gas station and post office when we ran into each other. Nevertheless, I never stopped thinking about him and would look for him whenever I drove around hoping to see him. My husband and I rarely "went out" but when we did I, the possiblity of seeing Mark was what excited me about going out. 

My husband and I were intimate only 1-2 times a month for most of our marriage. It worked fine for us as neither of us really had any great desire. My desire was almost non-existant and many times I would "pretend" it was Mark to enjoy it. Despite this, I felt happy in my marriage. We have two children under 6. 

About 3 months ago, I called Mark at his office. He is still married, but also still feels exactly the same as he did in the early nineties. It's hard to convey to you reading this post how geniune his love is. It's amazing how he looks at me and I can feel the pain in his heart. He still carries in his wallet a movie stub from a movie we went to together that really touched him. He cut out a picture that was in our newspaper of me from 2005 and carries it in his wallet. Whenever I see him now he often is at times on the brink of tears because the likelihood of the two of us being together is even more complicated now that I also have family.

Last week, he met me several times in the morning before work just to say good morning. All day long I think about him and how much I want to kiss him. We did kiss twice last week. 

I try to "push" him away because I know nothing good is going to come of this. At the same time, I find myself thinking about him constantly and hoping he'll call me at work which he often has been doing. I text him little messages. I continually think of places we could go to be alone or ways we could spend the night together. 

I really do not want to get divorced especially when I have a wonderful husband. He is extremely nice, handsome, funny, intelligent and we have almost no arguments. He is a fabulous father and it breaks my heart to think of our children not having their Mom and Dad together. However, he is not nearly as passionate and loving as Mark. I know Mark would do ANYTHING for me whereas I don't feel like my husband's love is quite as deep. I honestly don't think my love is as deep either.

I've told my husband that I want more romance and I need more affection. He did nothing different. I again said that I wanted more affection and "loving" and that the last time I told him that he did nothing. He agreed, but still nothing has changed. I feel like I don't love him like I love Mark. He's more of a roommate that raises our children with me. My husband does have many qualities that I prefer in comparison to those same qualities in Mark (more intelligent, attractive, financially stable, etc.). Yet, if I could start all over again I would have married Mark instead had I had a chance.

So, here I am. Feeling like I need to stop seeing and talking to Mark to save my marriage yet at the same time knowing Mark is my true love and soul mate. I wish my husband would love me as intensely as Mark does. I know the answer is to forget about what will make me truly happy and to "do the right thing" and work on my own marriage. I just feel really down right now. I would so miss the friendship I have with Mark if I have to stop talking to him again. We both know that in 8 years of not being in contact with each other we still love each other as much as we used to--nothing changed.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I had a guy like this when i was with my H. I had been with him prior to meeting my H. He was a blast. Rich, funny, cute, and totally in to me. but newly divorced so i didnt want to get too involved. 

Anyways, my H and i started having problems and there was TOM (the other man). I started emailing TOM and shared a dream i had about him, which my H found. 

Those are the deciding moments. Make a choice. I completely cut all contact with TOM and havent heard from him in years. He emailed me a couple of times saying how much he missed me, yadda, yadda, but id made my choice.

Tell your H that even though he's a great dad, friend to you, etc you've decided to go. I really do not say this to make you feel guilty but the reality is it will destroy your family (and his). Your kids will never be the same. And TOM, of course he's fun for you right now. He's nothing but fun. Once reality sets in and you both take on your roles, its not fun anymore. I really do not say this to be mean, but i just cannot understand how lightly some people take their roles as parents. it really just baffles me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If your TOM was really that good for you don't you think he would have left his wife for you. Face it he used you for romance, sex whatever. But he was never commited to you and never had to be.

Meanwhile you are spliting your attention between your husband and this guy from the affair. You are cheating yourself out of your marriage.

It (marriage) will never be as good because you will not let it be.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

you cant have everything in life. when it comes to a relationship, same thing applies - why destroy that. just try and make it better. 
as for the other fella, he wil turn out to be someone that wont leave or give up anything in the end and what have you lost , everything and for what nothing. 
he wont leave his wife and as for the true love and soul mate, why did you both move on in the first place?
you could destroy 2 marriages here and break his wife and your husbands heart and the children. ppl do think the grass is greener, its not, its only more sour on the edge of the field. 
because in the end - it wil become that - the end all over again.


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## kiran23 (Sep 18, 2008)

justean said:


> you cant have everything in life. when it comes to a relationship, same thing applies - why destroy that. just try and make it better.
> as for the other fella, he wil turn out to be someone that wont leave or give up anything in the end and what have you lost , everything and for what nothing.
> he wont leave his wife and as for the true love and soul mate, why did you both move on in the first place?
> you could destroy 2 marriages here and break his wife and your husbands heart and the children. ppl do think the grass is greener, its not, its only more sour on the edge of the field.
> because in the end - it wil become that - the end all over again.


:iagree:


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

I am currently going through an identical situation but in my case I am the H, and while we are trying to work it out and save our family, my wife still isn't sure if she should stick around or chase a "what if". I'm pretty sure you can guess where I stand on your situation. 

I think the fact that you are on here and asking for advise tells me that you are in some ways wanting to let go and save your marriage. I only hope for your husbands sake you can figure it out before he has to find out. The one thing that I am trying to get my wife to is realize what is right, and if any part of her still wants that life, then she needs to give her family a chance. There will always be "what if's" in our life, and you you spend you time and emotions pondering that, you will never be satisfied. I feel you should learn to be happy with what you have, and if things need to change, have a serious discussion with your husband and let him know how serious you are about the change. I completely agree with what's been said above about the grass not being greener, and realizing after breaking up two families, you still may not have solved anything.

I hope for yours, your husbands and your kid's sake that you can figure this out. As I've told my wife, there's a reason why you are still with your husband even after all of the prior chances to be with the other guy.



Now if I can just find a way to convince my wife.


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

One more thing I'd like to add...

In my situation, I feel that because my wife has allowed herself to stay emotionally attached to the other guy, it has allowed her to be partially drawn away from me. I feel if she can put aside the feelings for the other guy, things will start to get better for us, and if we are able to repair the damage that's been done and make our marriage the one we always wanted, the other guy won't be an option anymore.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Emerson,

I went through almost the same exact situation, I almost left my wife, then my gf took in a boyfriend that turned her on to Wiccan religion and eventually satan worship. Then I realized that she wasn't the person I "thought" I knew. She was far more gullible and impressionable than I realized. It was the "forbidden fruit" that tempted me and I indulged. We cut off all contact and after a while it seems like the wife and I grew much closer. Things aren't perfect now but much better. If you moved in with that guy, you may find yourself having the same issues that you are now with your hubby. Listen to your gut instinct...your gut has told you to stay obviously so stay and end all contact with him. Tell him you want to end all contact.


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## kprtyqn (Oct 9, 2008)

I was like that in the early 80s, lived with a guy i loved but had a relationship with a guy from another town for nearly 3 yrs. But like anything i realized we are only human, but i chose to leave both and be with someone i wanted to be with. Someone i would actually make a committment to without the temptations anymore.
I was glad at the time i had made the choice, the one i lived with ended up going back into his drug habit and the other man from out of town ended up already have someone without me knowing


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kprtyqn said:


> the other man from out of town ended up already have someone without me knowing


So while you were cheating you where cheated on?

How ironic.

draconis


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## Emerson (Oct 6, 2008)

Mark (TOM) showed up at my work this morning and we had a long conversation. We know it is better for all parties involved if we do not allow this to go any further. We realize that if in 8 years of hardly even talking we both feel as intensely as before, then those feelings are likely not going to go away. 

Nevertheless, we need to stop this. I am personally becoming a paranoid, nervous wreck and feel like I'm cheating everyone. It's not going to be easy, but if either of the spouses found out, it would definitely not be good. It would be easier if my marriage was terrible but I can't break up a family that's not broken. My husband is a wonderful man and doesn't deserve to be treated like this. 

I knowthat deep down, my heart will still long for Mark (TOM). I know your probably thinking "just let it go", but after all this time, I know I can't entirely do that. I honestly think that we will have our time, it's just not in the near future.

I'm not sure I have the willpower, but I'm going to really try. I'll keep you updated.


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

That sounds exactly like what my wife is saying now. She has already stepped out on me once 7 years ago (we've been married for 10), and says if we can make us work, that she can't promise it won't happen again.

I'm sure a lot of it is hope on my part, but I believe that the fact that because she has held on to these feelings for TOM, that she hasn't allowed herself to get as emotionally involved with me over the years. She has always held onto the back door option in case we didn't work, and in fact that is exactly why we aren't working at this point. I feel that as long as you can put asside your feelings for TOM and focus on your husband and your marriage, you may be able to regain some of those feelings at home, which will only make shutting down feelings for TOM that much easier in the future.

If you can talk to your husband about what you may be lacking and get him to start working on mutual happiness with you, there may come a time when TOM doesn't matter anymore.


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## alone (Oct 13, 2008)

Funny, when I started to read this I thought it might have been my wife posting this. I'm in the same situation, but its my wife that feels the other man is her soul mate. I just discovered yesterday that she is having an affair with him. It came out in a public place and now my life and the life of everyone we know and love is devastated. Now she gets her soul mate at the sacrifice of everything she holds dear. Sorry, I could go on and on, but it hurts too much. Don't do it Emerson, you have no idea how many lives you will destroy. The grass is not greener over there. Love is a choice, not an uncontrollable feeling.


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

Alone, I'm right there with you. This weekend my wife proposed the "stay to gether and have an open marriage idea". Not looking good at this point.


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## Wiccan (Apr 9, 2011)

martino said:


> Emerson,
> 
> I went through almost the same exact situation, I almost left my wife, then my gf took in a boyfriend that turned her on to Wiccan religion and eventually satan worship. Then I realized that she wasn't the person I "thought" I knew. She was far more gullible and impressionable than I realized. It was the "forbidden fruit" that tempted me and I indulged. We cut off all contact and after a while it seems like the wife and I grew much closer. Things aren't perfect now but much better. If you moved in with that guy, you may find yourself having the same issues that you are now with your hubby. Listen to your gut instinct...your gut has told you to stay obviously so stay and end all contact with him. Tell him you want to end all contact.


Just to let you know, the wiccan religion is NOT satan worshiping


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Emerson said:


> About 3 months ago, I called Mark at his office.
> 
> Mark is my true love and soul mate. .


You need to get a grip of this situation, or lose your family.

Frankly, having read your post you deserve to lose your family. 

Go off into the sunset for your selfish desires, you self centered selfish woman. 

Your husband, your kids deserve better because you aren't 100% present in your family. 

You need to give it all up. 

Go live in a place on your own and dream about "your" Mark and see if he wants to join you. I think not! If he cares that much about you as you say, then both jump ship. Neither families need either of you if your heart is elsewhere. 

Get your head out of the clouds and decide, either your 100% for your family, or 100% for fantasy, the other man.

If it is real love then rush off into the sunset and ignore your responsibilities. 


Selfish, unbelievably selfish. 

You are setting your kids a terrible example and what a legacy you leave them. You don't deserve them.

You made your bed so lie on it, work on it, or get out.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Emerson
I truly believe we all have in us the instinct to protect ourselves from harm. Consider that you husband is holding back his total self from you because deep down he knows that you ate not fully committed to him. Why should he give himself totally to you when you have never given the total you to him. In real life their are no violins play lost love songs for you. Snap out of it, grow up, and finally commit your self to your husband, if you can't let him go so he has the chance to live a life and grow old with a loving "honest" women!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Yea, go off into the sunset with "Mark" so your husband can find a woman that deserves and appreciates him unlike you. 

This is what I don't understand about WS's. If you KNOW your spouse is perfect in so many ways except for a this or that, go to MC and FIX IT!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Considering this thread was over 2 years old, I suspect the OP has made a decision by now...

C


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

If anyone wants to know what cake-eating is, this pretty much defines it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

PBear said:


> Considering this thread was over 2 years old, I suspect the OP has made a decision by now...
> 
> C


LOL.

I noticed that too.. 

Emerson's profile : _Last Activity: _12-26-2008 02:24 PM 

The thread was brought back from the dead by someone wanting to defend the Wiccan thing... Again..... WAY WAY after the fact...

Nothing to see here folks, move along. lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So this thread got necro'ed? Crazytown. I wonder what happened in this lady's situation...


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So this thread got necro'ed? Crazytown. I wonder what happened in this lady's situation...


Hard to say, but I imagine her husband eventually caught on since her contact with the OM started again... We all know how the story goes from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*POSTED 6 WEEKS AFTER THE ORIGINAL POST and her final post here...*












Emerson said:


> I feel like I am in a really strange place in my marriage right now. I have no desire to work on anything in the marriage, yet I feel at peace with doing nothing. I don't feel the annoyance with my husband that I felt in the last few months. I feel like being nice to him; I don't want to look for faults. I have actually felt good about his lack of desire to touch, be romantic, etc. because I really don't want him to do any of those things with me. I don't want to have any talks anymore about what I'm not getting, but would like to get. I am likely feeling this way because I'm growing (or drifting) away from him. I'm okay with being roommates while raising our children, for now. At the same time, thoughts of TOM fill my head and heart. I realize I have stopped trying in my marriage.
> 
> I'm just losing desire to want to do anything with my marriage anymore. I just want to be "friends" and still remain close so our children don't see controversy with their parents, but I don't want him for a "lover" anymore (I really don't if I ever saw him as a "lover"). I definitely think husbands/wives should be lovers. What's keeping me here more than anything is how much pain divorcing will cause for so many other people. I really love my husband and I don't want to see him hurt. I just don't want to feel so "empty" in a marriage.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow, what a caring heart she has.
Justification, blame shifting.
that poor man, (whom I identify with completely) is somewhere right now, sitting in his car, in God knows what shape.
Pray for that man. Pray for his family.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sad. Sounds like she preferred the OM fantasy to reality. Never good to live in an empty marriage. Although her husband might have told her he was fine with things as they were, it's doubtful. What happens when he someday meets another woman who gives him the attention he was lacking at home? The excitement, passion, and fantasy? Uh-huh. We know the answer to that one. Not that I could blame him after reading her posts.

If she ended up with the OM, after 10 years of fantasy, I wonder if the reality lived up. With step children, divorces, custody, bills, etc.... can't imagine it did or would.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *POSTED 6 WEEKS AFTER THE ORIGINAL POST and her final post here...*


LOL, why the hell is this funny to me. It's like she's a little girl in a fairytale. I hope she got bent one way or another.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOl it is pretty funny. 

Yeah it sounds like she wasn't into her hub at all.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Soul-mate... that term has been totally sooooo "abused."


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

draconis said:


> If your TOM was really that good for you don't you think he would have left his wife for you. Face it he used you for romance, sex whatever. But he was never commited to you and never had to be.
> 
> Meanwhile you are spliting your attention between your husband and this guy from the affair. You are cheating yourself out of your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

you should try and work on it, this feeling you have is just lust and nothing else I bet if you should get to together with him that feeling will start to fade, stop allowing your feelings to drown your better judgement


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Guys this thread is 3 years old. She's probably with her "soul mate" by now.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Guys this thread is 3 years old. She's probably with her "soul mate" by now.


I'm sure she was with her soul mate. TOM probably went back to his wife...if he ever really left her. I'm sure she has long since realized it was a big mistake. I hope her husband moved on and found someone who appreciates and has given him her undivided love.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

"struggling between my husband and the love of my life" I think your answer is right there. You have admitted that your husband is not the love of your life.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Emerson said:


> Here's the background:
> 
> I really do not want to get divorced especially when I have a wonderful husband. He is extremely nice, handsome, funny, intelligent and we have almost no arguments. He is a fabulous father and it breaks my heart to think of our children not having their Mom and Dad together. However, he is not nearly as passionate and loving as Mark. I know Mark would do ANYTHING for me whereas I don't feel like my husband's love is quite as deep. I honestly don't think my love is as deep either.
> 
> ...


Sit your husband down and tell him. Then arrange a divorce. Set him free. He does sound like a great guy. Shame that he can't compete with a cheating scum bag like him. The point is your husband is all those wonderful things  you said. The problem is, he is stuck with a cheater. He is wasting his life with someone who thinks he is "second choice". You two should be together. Don't worry about the kids, your husband, your family. You are less then worthless to them now. You spend your days dreaming about the POSOM, while your husband goes about his day being second choice to the woman who is supposed to love him. Again, set him free. You are a life sentence to him at this point. Wait, hold on. I have a great idea. That will really crush your husband. Wait till you two guys are old, then when you guys are about 70, take him out to a nice dinner. Maybe even your anniversary. Then tell him that you never loved him like Mark. That would be a great culmination to the charade you live with your husband. 

I hope you don't think that what I wrote was cruel. I mean after all you are the one doing this to your husband and family. And of course you are the one who if things remain unchanged will have sentenced the poor man who loves you to be married to someone who doesn't love him. Thus making a tragic joke out of his life.

Quick question. You see your husband and lover in the middle of the road arguing. You see a truck barreling down on them. You only have time to shove one out of the way. Who do you save. Your husband or your lover. Your childs father or the man destroying her family. Your choice.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Great advice guys!

NEWSFLASH..... 2 YEARS AGO CALLED.... THEY WANT THIS THREAD BACK.....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Great advice guys!
> 
> NEWSFLASH..... 2 YEARS AGO CALLED.... THEY WANT THIS THREAD BACK.....


This thread is 2 years old? Ha! Teach me not to look at the posted dates! :rofl:


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## ravenmad3 (Apr 24, 2011)

draconis said:


> If your TOM was really that good for you don't you think he would have left his wife for you. Face it he used you for romance, sex whatever. But he was never commited to you and never had to be.
> 
> Meanwhile you are spliting your attention between your husband and this guy from the affair. You are cheating yourself out of your marriage.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with you. She's cheating herself and her marriage.The thing is, if you truley love someone, you will not divide yourself up with these men. And neither would M.


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