# wife sent adopted children away



## ageddes (Jun 22, 2010)

I am presently serving in Afghanistan and left my home of two biological children and two younger adopted children. I ahve been gone since the fall and am due to go home in a few weeks.

My wife phoned to tell me she sent our adopted son to a foster home with no intention of picking him up. She also plans to send our adopted daughter there as well within the week. She returned the children to foster care while our biological children were at summer camp.

She indicated she is incapable of bonding and raising the children that have been in our home for three years. I spoke with social services and they felt the children are safer there for no and there were some issues regarding their well being.

Again, I am in Afghanistan and will return home in a few days to this situation......Please, thoughts or suggestions.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Wow, thats a rough situation. I'm assuming a serious discussion was made before adopting. Did the children have any health issues that would cause your wife to expend a large amount of energy taking care of them? I know two kids are a handful, I can't imagine 4 as basically a single parent while your deployed. Any extended family that could take them in while your away?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation - would I be right in saying things were fine before you left last September and that this is a total shock and that you were looking forward to seeing and being with all 4 children on your return. If yes, I think I can appreciate you are feeling baffled, hurt and confused.

For your wife's part, she too would have been able to anticipate that you would be knocked for six and so I'm assuming that she must have some very strong feelings/reasons to have put the boy into a foster home without consulting with you, or awaiting your return. Could it be that the stress of parenting on her own and worry of you away serving has affecting her emotional or mental well being and stopped her from feeling able to cope and/or bond with the younger adopted children. I am wondering how long they were with you all before you left for Afghanistan last September.

It must all be quite unsetting and unsettling for the older children too, not to mention the girl who you say may be sent away also. 

No doubt you will have MANY questions - see if you can refrain from blurting out all the questions at once and to be as calm and measured as possible so that she doesn't feel too defensive. That way you'll likely get to the bottom of things more quickly than if she's feeling you are angry or disapproving of her. Not saying that is how you are feeling, but just to be aware of how you come over. No doubt she's apprehensive about explaining things.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Ageddes,
I just sent you a PM.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Please take care.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thank you for serving.

Obviously, your wife is suffering big time. It's best to focus on that for now; if you can't get her in a healthy place, the children will suffer even if you bring them back.

Find out what's wrong with her. Is it the separation? Too much to do with only one parent raising 4 kids? No support? You two fighting? _Something _has got her in a tailspin.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry for everyone involved. This is truly horrific--for ALL the kids, for you, and for your wife--something must have been really wrong. 

If the children are legally adopted, you can reclaim them as your own upon return, but find out why your wife felt incapable of bonding with or raising them. How old were they at the time of adoption, and how old are your other kids? Where are the two from? 

I'm pretty well versed in adoption issues as a lay person (not a social worker) and I cannot imagine being the parent or child in a disrupted adoption. So painful all around. 

It seems odd she would send your son away when you are due home so soon--why now? Does she feel you leave her with the problems after you insist on having things a certain way? I do not mean to attack, but to ask questions to help you figure out what might be wrong. 

Good luck and keep us posted. Thank you for your service.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I will echo the responses of others and say thank you so much for all you do for our country.
Now, a GIANT 2 x 4 is coming at you........
She sent your adopted son and will send your adopted daughter to foster care after those children have been in your home for 3 years? And she sends them back to foster care? I am f'ing livid right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Children aren't returnable!!! She agreed to adopt them and now when times are tough, takes the two who aren't from her loins and returns them like they are a defective appliance????? 
She waits until you get deployed again and her/your biological children are away so she can discard the two she could care less about. Disgusting. F'ing disgusting.
She isn't a mother, she is a sociopath. No care or regard for anyones feelings but her own. Incapable of how this will affect your children or you! She did what is convenient for her. This is a LIFE changing event and she did what would be best for her. GUTRENCHING. She GAVE your children away!!!!!!!! 
When you get back, file for sole custody of those two precious adopted children and also file for sole custody of those two precious biological children. 
She doesn't deserve to be a mother of any child. None. She sounds very unstable and needs severe mental help. That level of cruelty is beyond description.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That was waaayy too many assumptions.

Ageddes, I hope you will come back and give us some information because lack of bonding is no reason. There is way more to this story, and Social Services saying "_the children are safer there for no and there were some issues regarding their well being_" tells us there is. It just doesn't tell us what the rest of the story is exactly. So either you didn't tell us or you don't yet know, but I hope you will come back with an update.

Thanks for serving our country.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

that is one of the most messed up things i have ever heard of. after 3 yrs she sent her own kids away. im sorry but for a mother to send her own children away is messed up. i dont care if they were adopted or not. they have been in your home now for 3 yrs. they are as much yours as your own biological children. your wife obviously has issues. my guess is that if your biological children were not at summer camp they might be staying with family anyway. she dont sound stable. ican tell you that me as a mother would never and could never send a child away that was my own. and after 3 yrs of raising those babies, those children are yours.. i would suggest getting her some help. she needs it. that is the most heartless thing i have ever heard of. if you have to, og get yoru children and raise them alone. your a soldier adn i know you can do it. you cant turn your back on your own babies.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I don't get how some of you can draw such conclusions with no information. You don't know what happened. You don't know anything about those children. You don't know anything about this woman. All you know is what you think you would do, but you are not in her shoes, so you have no idea what you would do. At least wait until you have more information. What if you adopt a child who threatens to kill you and the other children? You still think that "_as a mother would never and could never send a child away"_? Then you are only fooling yourself and trying to fool us.


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## ageddes (Jun 22, 2010)

So many replies...thanks all. I am enroute home now and have too much time to think. My wife did not take our adopted daughter to foster care and I learned last night she had our adopted son returned to our home. I have no other information just yet.

I thought in three years time she would bond with our adopted children but the gap widens. She is such a good mother to our natural children who are now witnessing this. She has suffered from cronic pain in the past and became dependent on pain medacines....since then, I have seen such a change in her personality. It is a though she looks for clinical and physiological problems with all our children. When she was in severe pain I managed all the child care, about three years.

I was home during Thanksgiving....other wives of my military male friends continue to manage the homefront, even some with four kids. I am only now beginning to see the severity of the situation. The greatest part of me wants to take all four kids and raise them myself. I will not know anything until I get home.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Take good care. Stay strong ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

That's just cruel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I don't get how some of you can draw such conclusions with no information. You don't know what happened. You don't know anything about those children. You don't know anything about this woman. All you know is what you think you would do, but you are not in her shoes, so you have no idea what you would do. At least wait until you have more information. What if you adopt a child who threatens to kill you and the other children? You still think that "_as a mother would never and could never send a child away"_? Then you are only fooling yourself and trying to fool us.


wether a child is adopted or not you promise to love them as your own. and after having them that long you are their mother. and if my child threatened me and myh other children i would not send them back where they came from. i would get them hlep because they are my children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My best friend came from a very devoted couple, who didn't have her til they were around 40. Spoiled her rotten. But when she was about 7 or 8, she did something wrong, and her mother joked "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to take you back to the store and get another child to replace you." 

The mother didn't even remember saying it, knowing it was just a joke and she really loved her daughter. But that ONE comment terrified my friend and turned her into a lifelong Giver, who felt that she had to please EVERYONE, lest they grow tired of her and throw her away. I can only imagine how _these _kids feel.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thank you for serving our country.

I am happy to hear she returned them. I have chronic pain and I have two special needs kids. It can be very tough.

I think I would definitley have her checked for depression. Chronic pain can bring this on and if she is handling four kids, she may be skipping meds to deal which increases pain, frustation and lose control. You being miles away can also be a huge factor as she is 24/7 caregiver. Also the issue with the two biological kids, this could be because they are apart of you that she shares. 

Her actions are not excused, but refrain from judgements until you get the full picture. Living with a chronic condition is awful and it can cause a gambit of emotions, and loss of control. It sounds like she was having an extremely bad couple of days, and couldn't handle the kids. This was her exit plan to get rid of her pain. Now she has had a few days to think about it, calm down and


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

oops, soory hit the wrong button. She calmed down and then she realized how awful she was.

If you can afford to get a sitter to come in a few days to help her that would be great and have a trusted friend keep tabs on her so you know what is going on. Get her to a doctor and discuss what happened. Chronic pain does not mean she is insane, but it can mean that she is asking for help. Get her in a group/ activity that she enjoys to get her mind off the kids. The doc may be able to suggest ways to get her to bond with the kids, but I would definitly make sure the kids have a safe place to go if she loses it again. Get custody so she can't relinquish them while you are away. If she adopted these kids with you. You need to express that they are just as much a part of you as the first two and you want her to love them as she loves you. 

Good luck, may God watch over you and bless you.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

Thank you for serving your country. 

Hopefully, the situation has been diffused with a clear reason as to what happened. As for adoption, it should be taken seriously. The process involves many steps to ensure that the family and the children will be happy together, giving the potential parents a chance to make a decision or follow their doubts. Regardless of what may have been going on, we are talking on two children who were living in a foster home. The act of taking them back after three years can be traumatizing to a child, instilling the belief that they are unwanted and questioning what they did to warrant what had happened. 

Do you have family and friends that live near you? She could have contacted them for support and help if she was having attachment issues due to separation. Even without knowing what happened besides the extreme, doing this was a selfish act when you both knew the responsibilities of adopting children; especially with you in the military. At this time your main concern should be wholly on the children and their safety. She needs counseling for this situation and through this situation - she may even need medication since stress can create a chemical imbalance leading to more problems.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow. That's pretty cold. What I would say though, is to try and see this a bit from her perspective. She is probably terrified about what would happen if you did not come home. Not all mom's are able to care for four children without a steady father in their lives. If she doesn't have much help that can make things worse. She probably doesn't have a large support system, and if you didn't come home, she is probably terrified. Coping with two children would be very difficult for a single mom having issues because her husband went to war and never came home. Having four? And even if you DO come home which I hope and pray you always come home, but even if you do, there are months and months of her being all alone with FOUR kids. How difficult is that? I don't think I could handle that. And I know, in any job there are risks. Heck, you could walk outside your door and get hit by a car tomorrow, but the odds are that probably won't happen. With your job, you have a much greater risk of not coming home. I married a man who was never and will never be in the military because I know 100% I could not handle the fear, worry, etc that this entails. Your wife maybe figured she could only handle two children without you home every night and possible never coming home again. She is probably unsure if she could even handle the two you have together. I feel sorry for the children, but this may be for the best. They need to be with families who CAN handle them, and at this time, your wife can't. She is dealing with too much already, IE you being gone for long periods of time, her having to deal with it all alone, the fear of you not coming home, etc. Cut her some slack and talk to her face to face but dont get angry with her, just talk to her calmly, listen to her reasons, and try to understand why she did this.


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## togetherinlove (Sep 1, 2010)

As an adoptive parent I think everyone should think twice before they say this was a wrong move on moms part.First off it is very hard being a single parent while daddy is away,secondly it is evern harder to be a single parent to adopted children with needs.all adopted children come with their own set of issues like bio children however their needs are often intensified due to feelings of rejection,hurt,etc.alot of adopted children have reactive attachment disorder making it impossible for parents to bond with them.
please go home,sit and talkt reasonably with your wife,try to understand her feeling and where she is coming from.if she cannot bond with these children and cannot raise them then it is probably better to let someone else raise them who can love them and deal with theier issues.love and prayers for u (((HUGS)))


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