# How did you keep your "spark" alive in your marriage?



## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Hello! I'm new here. I've heard lots of stories about infidelity in marriages, and I also know people who've experienced it before. The reason why I joined TAM is because everyone here has amazing advice and experiences to share. (I'm a college student btw so don't judge me for being too young and on this website lol.)

Ever since hearing about others experiences with infidelity, I've been intrigued to learn about this topic. From what I've learned, infidelity seems to be more common in marriages nowadays and the causes of cheating is either one of the spouses is being neglectful, or they simply just became bored with their marriage life (or sex life). Many people still love their spouse, but they cheat because sex became boring and they like the thrill of an affair.

I know there's lots of marriages with infidelity, but there's also lots of marriages where both spouses are loyal too each other and love each other dearly.

So I'm asking you guys on TAM:
How can a married couple keep the "spark" alive? Would you say that's it's very hard?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I think that besides finding someone like minded , communication is the biggie, remember CRAP- communication resolves all problems, doing things together is also important as well


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> Hello! I'm new here. I've heard lots of stories about infidelity in marriages, and I also know people who've experienced it before. The reason why I joined TAM is because everyone here has amazing advice and experiences to share. (I'm a college student btw so don't judge me for being too young and on this website lol.)
> 
> Ever since hearing about others experiences with infidelity, I've been intrigued to learn about this topic. From what I've learned, infidelity seems to be more common in marriages nowadays and the causes of cheating is either one of the spouses is being neglectful, or they simply just became bored with their marriage life (or sex life). *Many people still love their spouse, but they cheat because sex became boring and they like the thrill of an affair.*
> 
> ...


What do you mean by love? What do you think is important to keep the marriage alive?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> From what I've learned the causes of cheating is either one of the spouses is being neglectful, or they simply just became bored with their marriage life (or sex life). Many people still love their spouse, but they cheat because sex became boring and they like the thrill of an affair.


If you are a student perhaps you'll allow me to veer off your original topic and respond to your statement above.

The "causes" you mention above are incorrect. They may be the "excuse" of the WS, but they are not the cause of the infidelity.

The cause - is simply a moral failure on the part of the cheating spouse.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Here's an article for example:
Why are so many married women having affairs? - Telegraph

What I'm saying is that some spouses can still be attached to their husband/wife emotionally, but not physically anymore.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

I agree badmemory, I should've used the term "excuses" instead of "causes."

And for life101, I meant that some people still love their spouses emotionally, but need something else physically.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> I agree badmemory, I should've used the term "excuses" instead of "causes."


That's OK newbie.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> I agree badmemory, I should've used the term "excuses" instead of "causes."
> 
> And for life101, *I meant that some people still love their spouses emotionally, but need something else physically*.


Doesn't compute.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Hey I totally agree but sometimes it's hard to understand other people's lifestyles.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> Hey I totally agree but sometimes it's hard to understand other people's lifestyles.


It is very easy to understand actually. You either love a person, or you don't. If you are cheating in a marriage, then you don't love your spouse, you are just f**kbuddies.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Honestly though, it sucks for the victims. Sometimes I imagine myself being in the victim's position. It would suck to have my wife cheat on me, even if it was just once and she never told me. That's the biggest way to break a heart. It's like you can't trust anyone, or you have to watch who you marry.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Everyone's physically capable of cheating. 

Find someone who's morally incapable. 

Keep THAT one.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Everyone's physically capable of cheating.
> 
> Find someone who's morally incapable.
> 
> Keep THAT one.


That's the key to a healthy marriage! Unfortunately, there are people who change. I've heard of women who said they would never cheat, but once they grow older they act on it. (Same applies for men).

But there are others who can't cheat even if they think about it, even if they are tempted. That's cause they love their spouse and would never betray them. I can guarantee that with more marriages like that, divorce rates would be much lower.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Read up on serotonin and dopamine. These are the two main neurological chemicals working to create “that spark”. There is actually a lot of neural chemistry going on and things that may trigger increased production of those drugs that affect all this. I think works by Helen Fisher might cover some of it, at least on the ‘attraction’ front from a brain chemistry standpoint.

In my opinion, the problem you have with an older marriage, is there is no longer that ‘newness’ or ‘exploration’. The draw to know more about that person you already know a ton about wains. (That’s the dopamine at work) 

On top of that, how you rely upon your spouse is a massively long list as your lives are so intertwined. So there is a massive amount of room for failures and a ton of expected mind-reading going on: The ole “you should have known that I wanted ____”. Once someone locks in on just seeking out the negatives and holding onto them, that will of coarse be all they see and perceive. And that is not a turn-on for either. A nagging wife does not equal “hot”. A lazy husband is also not “oooh lala”. 

Unfortunately, you can’t control your spouses thoughts as much as you’d like too. So really, there is no way you can keep a spark alive by yourself. It takes two to tango. The best way I‘ve heard of is to keep things interesting and keep it from becoming routine. And do what you can on your end to be an attractive person: Look in the mirror, not listen too hard to what your spouse is saying as that tends to be just corrections to their complaints that has little to do with attraction itself.. And also tends to just be yet another way to fail to meet their expectations. Easier said than done though.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Racer said:


> Unfortunately, you can’t control your spouses thoughts as much as you’d like too. So really, there is no way you can keep a spark alive by yourself. *It takes two to tango.* The best way I‘ve heard of is to keep things interesting and keep it from becoming routine. And do what you can on your end to be an attractive person: Look in the mirror, not listen too hard to what your spouse is saying as that tends to be just corrections to their complaints that has little to do with attraction itself.. And also tends to just be yet another way to fail to meet their expectations. Easier said than done though.


I agree. It takes two to work on a marriage. One person can't fix it alone.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> Hey I totally agree but sometimes it's hard to understand other people's lifestyles.


What kind of "other lifestyles" are you referring to?


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> What kind of "other lifestyles" are you referring to?


The type of lifestyles where people think it's okay to have affairs while married to a loving person. Try looking at the link I posted previously if you haven't yet.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> T*he type of lifestyles where people think it's okay to have affairs while married to a loving person.* Try looking at the link I posted previously if you haven't yet.


Yeah I have experience with that(I'm the BS). It's hard to wrap your head around their logic, but basically it comes down to entitlement. They feel entitled to cheat because, you weren't meeting their needs, didn't show them affection enough, didn't empty the dishwasher enough.... you know. Excuses. Look, we all have the capability to cheat. It's a choice. You either do it or you don't. I can't stand the whole mantra of spouses touting their excuses as to why they cheated. Mine did the same to me. By his reasoning, I had an entitlement to cheat on him also. I just didn't, because it's wrong, which is something WS's don't understand.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

They have no morals.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

I feel like the people who are less likely to cheat are people with strict morals or faith in God.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I feel like the people who are less likely to cheat are people with strict morals or faith in God.


Strict morals is the key, regardless of religion. Faith in God is a good step, but they cheat too. My WH is extremely religious and also one of the worst cheaters I've ever come across. Sucks that they are everywhere.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> Strict morals is the key, regardless of religion. Faith in God is a good step, but they cheat too. My WH is extremely religious and also one of the worst cheaters I've ever come across. Sucks that they are everywhere.


I'm sorry to hear that.  Honestly, the fact that infidelity is so common nowadays (preferably among those who are in their 30s and 40s) kinda makes me a little paranoid about a married life. If I ever found out my wife cheated on me, even if it was just once, I wouldn't look at her the same way anymore. 
Also, it's like I might think my marriage is perfect only to find out she's been doing things behind my back. I would want her to tell me. I'd rather me be hurt with the truth then her live that secret. 

But it's also not good to be paranoid too much in a relationship or marriage too.

People change, but let's hope those morals are still there.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I feel like the people who are less likely to cheat are people with strict morals or faith in God.


Unfortunately, that's not the way it goes. Humans tend to believe morals and faith in God are somewhat flexible.
One thing I have discovered from a number of married women is that those who cheat have a low romantic interest in their husbands. To support what I'm saying, read the threads of cheating wives and they normally say this.
Men do a lot of things to lower their wife's romantic interest. Being to "beta", always giving in, spending more time polishing their truck than romancing their wives, etc. You never what to get to a point where she ain't having to try to figure you out and where she is not having to chase you. They need to always know youre holding a couple of cards and you have a limit on the amount of crap you'll take.
One other thing I'll add as an edit. If they think you'll hang around after discovering they cheat, their romantic interest, including respect, takes a nose dive. (What would you think if you believe you're your wife of GF would look the other way at your indiscretions?)


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I feel like the people who are less likely to cheat are people with strict morals or faith in God.


Not necessarily. Plenty of religious people cheat. Just like plenty of people who aren't really religious stay faithful to their spouses. My W identifies herself as Catholic and the best way to describe me spiritually would be an apatheist. She was the one that had an affair. ANYONE can cheat.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> Not necessarily. Plenty of religious people cheat. Just like plenty of people who aren't really religious stay faithful to their spouses. My W identifies herself as Catholic and the best way to describe me spiritually would be an apatheist. She was the one that had an affair. *ANYONE can cheat.*


Not necessarily true. Some people (may be they are the outliers) have enough self-esteem never to do it.


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