# Hurt yet hopeful: newly weds, husband feels depressed and wants out



## shbp (Feb 10, 2011)

We married 5 months ago at a beautiful ceremony with 70 guests. Since then our marriage deteriorated quickly and my husband now tells me that he feels trapped, hopeless and depressed. Let me rewind to the beginning. My husband and I met two and half years ago (May 2008). We moved in together six months after we met and have been living together since. We have a lot in common. We are both outdoor types who enjoy hiking, camping, skiing, diving, etc. In addition, we share the same profession, so we have a lot to talk about. We were very happy together while we were dating and we both felt extremely lucky to have found each other. I was 31 when we met, he was 29. I was so sure that he was the one for me, so after 2 years of dating, I asked him if he wanted to get married. He proposed within a month. (I did not give him an ultimatum, I just gently probed if he would like to marry me). I started planning our wedding soon after he proposed. As I started planning the wedding, he asked me to sign a pre-nup. He had inherited some money, and I suppose that he wants to protect it. The inheritance plus his savings amounts to roughly $700K. I make about $125K a year and have roughly $200K in savings, so from my view point, his inheritance and savings is not a huge amount of money. I was very hurt by the suggestion of a pre-nup and rejected it. It's a first marriage for both of us, so we don't have any financial complications to deal with. Seeing how hurt I was, he promised to never bring it up again. 

However, six month later, just two months before our wedding, he brought up the pre-nup again and this time, he already had a lawyer prepare it officially. I didn't have any problem with the content of the pre-nup, because it was fair (I have no problem with him keeping his inheritance and savings should we ever divorce). But I was very idealistic and I see a pre-nup as a sign that he didn't trust me, so I still rejected the pre-nup. We argued back and forth for weeks, during which time I cried every time he brought up the pre-nup. We had never argued before and seeing me so upset caused him great distress. With the wedding date looming, I finally cave in and told him I will sign a pre-nup. However, he decided that we shouldn't have a pre-nup because it will make me unhappy. So we ended up getting married without a pre-nup.

Soon after the wedding, he told me he is depressed and feels trapped. What I didn't know was that he has had a history of panic attacks. He also started seeing a therapist. His therapist met with both of us and told me he suffers from Agoraphobia. Thinking back, I realized all the arguments about pre-nup caused him prolonged distress (between the first time he brought it up right after the proposal up to our wedding), which very likely extended into a depression. I very much regret not signing the pre-nup. I made a mistake and now it's killing our marriage. I discussed signing a post-nup with him, but he said post-nup is not recognized by our state.

Since our wedding, things have gotten worse. He said he is stressed out all the time and very unhappy. He wanted to have our marriage annulled a few months ago. I told him annulment is impossible given we both entered the marriage willingly. He also said I rushed the marriage and he is not ready. He thinks 2 years of dating/living together is not enough time. He also not sure if I am the one for him. But while we were dating, he mentioned multiple times that he is ready to settle down and he does not see himself dating anyone else. I saw that as a promise that he is ready for marriage. In addition we are both in our 30's, I thought we should know ourselves well enough and know what we want. He is still seeing a psychologist. His psychologist recommended medication. In addition, he is thinking about taking several months off from work to go on a hiking/photographing trip in the Midwest. I agree with both options. 

I need some advise from people how knows how to deal with depression. How can I save our marriage? What should I do to help him heal? I still love him and I see him as the one. I want us to be happy again. Please help!


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## anacata (Feb 13, 2011)

Hi, this is a tough one. Is he just talking about leaving or is he making the moves to leave? Maybe he is just testing you to see what you would do? 

I think it's correct that you should have signed the pre-nup, and maybe you could do research on what state WOULD accept a post nup and take him on a vacation there to sign it there? I can understand his concern given that I received a large inheritance myself and then got married a few years later. I'ts not that he doesn't trust you it's just that he doesn't trust the world, or life in general, especially when you hear all the stories about people being left or cheated on by spouses that they trusted 100% and never thought that it would happen to them. 

As for what more you can do to deal with it. I would just give it time, after you sign the post nup in another state. He may be having cold feet and may need to feel more independant for a bit. This is fine as long as he doesn't need to sleep with someone else (ie-breaking his wedding vows). Let him go on his vacation and I think it's a good sign that he's seeing the psychologist. Will he take the medication?


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## shbp (Feb 10, 2011)

Thanks for the response Anacata. I did a lot of research on the medication. Many people say regular excercise is just as effective and is much more beneficial. He currently works out 3 times a week (or more), and I noticed his mood improved significantly. So we are staying off the drugs right now and see how things go.

I do regret very much for refusing to sign the pre-nup. The trouble is post-nups signed in a different state still will not be recognised in our state. the only effective solution is for us to get divorced, sign a valid pre-nup, wait a while, then remarry. I proposed this idea to my husband, but he doesn't want to go that route yet, until we are completely out of options. 

I am questioning the effectiveness of a multi-month long hiking trip. He will be hiking alone in the wilderness with no one around. He is an experienced hiker so I am not too worried about his safety, but I worry the isolation could make him more depressed. We are currently thinking of a new idea: we will start over. He will temporarily move out, and we will go on "dates", but not live together. We lived apart for 6 months when I had to work in a foreign country temporarily. During that time we missed each other immensely. So I hope this temporary seperation will rekindle our love. Does this work? Will it backfire? Does anyone have experience with this?


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