# Don't know why



## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Hello all, I need to talk and nowhere to turn.
Married 14 years together for 20 and I just payed an escort for sex. I don't know why I got so fixated on going through with it but now I'm a total basket case. I so guilt ridden I've barely slept in 5 nights. I wan't to tell my wife but at the same time want to protect her from the pain and shame. On top of that I fear for her safety if I caught something. How did this happen. What do I do. I want to hold her close and push her away from me at the same time.


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## Lost in Hell (Mar 6, 2012)

What led you to get an escort? Something the escort offered that your wife didn't? 

I have no advice for you, but I was recently cheated on and am wondering what goes on in peoples heads that they at some point rationalize what they did. 

I am in pain too. It sucks. Someone more experienced will come along shortly I'm sure.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Confess. All of it ASAP. Get tested for STD's and do not sleep with your wife until you do. Figure out why you did what you did. Get counseling.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

If you have sents slept with your wife you have to tell her so that she can get tested. That point aside you should confess everything either way. 

I am sorry that you are in pain and I understand that you want to keep the burden of the pain to your self but you need to be honest and forth coming with your wife.

Yes figure out why you did this. I would get IC if it does not seem to be easy to figure out. The only way to keep it from happening again is if you understand the why at least that is my opinion.

I am sure that thoes who know better then I will be around eventually. Best of Luck and I am sorry you are going through this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Fess up.
Get yourself tested.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Sex is Vulnerability to them who are Its Slaves...

just like saying be a Master of your Mind...


Let you be The Master of your Mind and Sex and enjoy The Power there of !! else be a slave and ruin The Powers and make life a Sex Ridden Clap Trap....


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Lost in Hell said:


> What led you to get an escort? Something the escort offered that your wife didn't?
> 
> I have no advice for you, but I was recently cheated on and am wondering what goes on in peoples heads that they at some point rationalize what they did.
> 
> I am in pain too. It sucks. Someone more experienced will come along shortly I'm sure.


I can barely recall my thoughts leading up to the act and I know that its all just a mind trick to justify the ends. I'll try if it can help others

I think I was bored in the bedroom, getting older, feeling like I was missing out on something. Wanting something different, to feel excitement. It sounds so petty.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> If you have sents slept with your wife you have to tell her so that she can get tested. That point aside you should confess everything either way.
> 
> I am sorry that you are in pain and I understand that you want to keep the burden of the pain to your self but you need to be honest and forth coming with your wife.
> 
> ...


Going to the doc today. Don't know that he'll be able to find anything. It seems most STDs take weeks to months to show up. I've avoided even kissing my wife faking illness. I'm so ashamed because she cares so much for me. I'm trying to confess but almost throw up at the thought. How do start a conversation like that?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

No matter what, tell her. She has a right to protect her physical and mental health.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Tell her now,the longer you wait the more pain you are inficting on your wife,I wish my wife would have came clean a lot sooner after her EA,we'd both be further down the road on our R and healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You start a conversation like that by finding an opportunity and situation in which she can lose her mind and not be ashamed or embarrassed and where the two of you can talk, alone and uninterrupted until you're done. Then you sit her down at a table, look her in the eye and tell her. Don't mince words, don't try to soften the blow and for God's sake do not withhold any of the truth. Then you answer her questions, apologize profusely and repeatedly and accept whatever lashing she gives you. 

Sometime later, after she's accepted the reality of what you told her and calmed down you'll get to find out how much of your marriage is left and if it can survive. 

If you can't find "the right time" in 48 hours make it - do not let this marinate. It will not get better with age. Remember, every day you do not tell her is another day you are deceiving her and will make it that much harder for her to accept. The lying and deception are as bad as the act itself if they go on long enough.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You start a conversation like that by finding an opportunity and situation in which she can lose her mind and not be ashamed or embarrassed and where the two of you can talk, alone and uninterrupted until you're done. Then you sit her down at a table, look her in the eye and tell her. Don't mince words, don't try to soften the blow and for God's sake do not withhold any of the truth. Then you answer her questions, apologize profusely and repeatedly and accept whatever lashing she gives you.
> 
> Sometime later, after she's accepted the reality of what you told her and calmed down you'll get to find out how much of your marriage is left and if it can survive.
> 
> If you can't find "the right time" in 48 hours make it - do not let this marinate. It will not get better with age. Remember, every day you do not tell her is another day you are deceiving her and will make it that much harder for her to accept. The lying and deception are as bad as the act itself if they go on long enough.


I know. I'm going to talk with her tonight.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The biggest favor you can do her at this point is to give her all of the truth - ever single bit of it. What you're going to tell her is going to crush her - only do it once. If you withhold anything and have to tell her later, you'll end up crushing her more than once when you could have spared her the second time around. It also makes recovery infinitely more difficult because if you don't give her all of it the first time, from then on she'll always wonder if she knows the full truth.

You only get one shot to do this right the first time. Prepare yourself. Commit to yourself and to her that you will be man enough to see it all the way through. When the conversation is over stand up, take ownership, and be willing to be held accountable. These are the ways to really show her remorse and are key if you want to reconcile.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would listen to sigma. Be aware that there will be lots of questions in the day after too for some reason plenty of things come to mind days later,weeks later, months later.
Come back and get more help because the road ahead of you after telling your wife is going to be rocky and you can always use a "tool" like TAM to help you. Get some MC and IC as well.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Well just got back from the Doc (who is a friend of my Wife).
He thinks I may have caught Herpies. My god who is this man in the mirror. Now I have worse news on bad news to tell her.

I cant forgive myself how will she ever, why would she? To live a life in fear of disease. Its so not fair to her.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

"Thinks" and a diagnosis are two different things. Me - I think I'd tell her I got tested and the results weren't in yet, and that I'd tell her either way when they come in. No sense borrowing more trouble until you know you have to. Just shake her hand in the interim though to be safe. 

Hopefully he's either wrong or just trying to scare you into leaving her alone until the results come back.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ironman~

So here's what's got to happen. I mean you may decide not to do it--you're an adult and you can avoid and deny but it WILL eat you alive inside...so that's why I say "Here's what's got to happen."

*Tonight*, make arrangements for the kids to be taken care of--you do not want an interruption nor for them to witness what may occur (whether that's screaming, crying, shooting...whatever). My suggestion would be to arrange for an overnight at Gramma/Grampa's if you have that available to you. 

Next, take your wife someplace safe for her to respond however she needs. She may not feel like she can dump a plate on you or scream in a fancy restaurant, and she may NEED to scream. 

Next, bring a trashcan or bucket, and if you fear you are going to throw up, then throw up in front of her--the time for hiding stuff is LONG PAST and you need to start being who you truly are!! 

Next, say what you have to say, and say it quickly. Just throw it out there and don't partly leave out a little. Say it *ALL*! If you have to, start thinking now of how you will say it so that it's succinct: "I have something very bad to tell you. I had sex with a prostitute, and I may have contracted herpes from it. I have not been with you since I was with the escort, so I'm telling you so you know the truth and can take steps to protect yourself." See? Short, to the point, and all of it!

Once you get this done, it is likely you'll have a LOT to deal with, because not only will you have the physical illness to contend with, but also at minimum rebuilding your marriage...and possibly at max dealing with a divorce. BUT everything will be out in the open, and you'll be dealing with THE TRUTH, and the truth can be handled. What can not be handled is lies and cover-ups. 

Tonight  You can do it.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Confess. All of it ASAP. Get tested for STD's and do not sleep with your wife until you do. Figure out why you did what you did. Get counseling.


:iagree::iagree: That's your best bet right now. Sure you may loose her by being honest, but you might loose her too if she finds out later. Those things rarely remain a secret. I had a bf who cheated on me with escorts at his birthday party/orgy with his buddies. I bet he thought the secret would go with him to the grave, yet a month later I found it all out on my own. Follow the advice above.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Ironman~
> 
> So here's what's got to happen. I mean you may decide not to do it--you're an adult and you can avoid and deny but it WILL eat you alive inside...so that's why I say "Here's what's got to happen."
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. My husband had to confess to me that he hired a hooker. He waited 5 months though. The longer you wait the worse it is going to be.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Well I spilled my guts last night. I met her for dinner after work and arranged for us to have a hotel room next door.

I told her what I did and what I was afraid of (STD).

We cried and talked and cried and talked. She was hurt, confused, angry but still she stayed. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a wife that is willing to stay with me after what I did to Her and to Us.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well she will go through stages
right now she is in shock/denial

be sure to do the following-

no trickle truth
complete transparency (give up all passwords and allow her to snoop to her heart's content)
offer remorse through not just words but actions
start spending more one on one time together 10-15 hours a week


and I know it must've been a tough thing to do, but it was the right thing to do and a much better way for her to find out than if she got an std or found evidence


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good Job. 

Read up here on what you need to do/can do to support her. She's got a lot to process as do you. The more you can talk to each other and help each other the better. 

Be there for her. Answer her questions - again and again and again - gladly and honestly. She's going to need the hear answers many many times before she can begin to accept them. Don't be afraid to get marriage or individual counseling if either of you feel there is any need. 

Good Luck - you did the right thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You did the right thing - good for you. Now comes the hard part, especially for your wife.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First thing: GOOD JOB!! I'm proud of you for telling the truth. 

Next thing: You know how when you break an arm or leg, at first it doesn't really hurt all that much? I mean...it hurts and you can see it swelling and turning black&blue...but it also feels sort of "numb"? Yeah...that is roughly what your wife is going through now. She heard your words, and it hurt her...but the true pain has not sunk in yet and she's still kind of in shock. 

The day will come (probably during this week) when the shock will wear off and she is likely to be in great pain and be VERY ANGRY!! :FIREdevil: Nothing personal, but rightfully so. Back in the day they used to call actions during this time "crimes of passion" because they understood that when a person hears that their spouse cheated, something inside them SNAPS and they are not themselves. I'm not saying you should let her abuse you, but I am saying it is reasonable for her to express some great anger...and she may well behave in a way that is NOT HER (like if she's usually pretty "easy going" she may freak out). This is to be expected. See it as part of the natural course and choose not to join in. If she calls you names or says EXTREMELY hurtful things, do not take them to heart particularly--just acknowledge she is in great pain and maybe it trying to hurt you like you hurt her. 

Does that make sense? Sometimes in the guilt of it all, the disloyal person hears those names and thinks "YEAH I am that!" but you did the brave thing and told her the truth, and you did the right thing when doing more wrong might have been "easier." So recognize it for what it is. Okay?

Okay--for now try not to push her to make up her mind right now or react a certain way you need right now. Just be nearby and continue to DO kind, thoughtful, polite, gentle things--not in the attempt to "buy her" but just to be considerate. If she wants/needs you she'll let you know. 

Again...GOOD JOB.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ironman699. You would know if you just contracted primary herpes. Do you have any blisters or other lesions?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

actually he can carry herpes and not show any signs


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Any advice on how to seek out a qualified marriage counselor?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

believe it or not most MC's are not specialized in infidelity like they should be

I would inquire as to which ones have specialized studies/additional education in infidelity


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

Well we talked more last night. I ran through my life for the last month leading up to the "Event" how it escalated from browsing ****** ******* to browsing for escorts to eventually using one. She is devastated more then ever now. She is keeping this to herself which actually worries me. I just want to stop her pain... All I can think about is how much I hurt her...We were the couple everyone always wanted to be like...

wow, I really don't know how people can have long term affairs.

She is seeing our doctor today. The threat of STDs I think is making this 1000x worse as we can't even kiss one another...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ironman699 said:


> Well we talked more last night. I ran through my life for the last month leading up to the "Event" how it escalated from browsing ****** ******* to browsing for escorts to eventually using one. She is devastated more then ever now. She is keeping this to herself which actually worries me. I just want to stop her pain... All I can think about is how much I hurt her...We were the couple everyone always wanted to be like...
> 
> wow, I really don't know how people can have long term affairs.
> 
> She is seeing our doctor today. The threat of STDs I think is making this 1000x worse as we can't even kiss one another...


I know this is after the fact, obviously but did it EVER occur to you to use protection????? You say you love your wife so much I dont understand how you didnt AT VERY LEAST protect her from disease??????


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I am glad to hear that you confessed to your wife everything. Great job, I can only guess as to how hard that was for you but great job.

Your wife is going to be on a roller coster for a while. You just have to let it happen even though it sucks to watch her go through it esp. because you caused it. But it is part of the healing for her. 

Just keep doing the work you need to do. MC will be able to help navigate through it all remember to breath, be 100% honest and open and let her heal too. 

Hope all goes well (even thought the healing looks so messy) for you and your wife.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I know this is after the fact, obviously but did it EVER occur to you to use protection????? You say you love your wife so much I dont understand how you didnt AT VERY LEAST protect her from disease??????


If he had been thinking about his love for his wife he would not have done it all! not just put on protection because he cares. 

I may be miss informed but I think that this lack of protection happens often when a spouse has an AP. That is most likely why the long time TAM memebers will tell a BS to get tested for STD's.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> If he had been thinking about his love for his wife he would not have done it all! not just put on protection because he cares.
> 
> I may be miss informed but I think that this lack of protection happens often when a spouse has an AP. That is most likely why the long time TAM memebers will tell a BS to get tested for STD's.


I understand what youre saying Kuriosity. What I was saying is that knowing she was a "professional" should have made him a bit more cautious, in my opinion. Besides the fact that he said he spent a month basically trolling for it on the internet....plenty of time to do the bare minimum in using protection. I agree he definately wouldnt have done it at all had he been thinking about loving his wife. I was trying to address this 'concern' he has for his wife and asking what his reasoning was for not doing the BARE MINIMUM here by not giving his W a disease along with a broken heart.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

some "professionals" advertise that they do "BBBJ" (bareback blow jobs) or even charge more for intercourse without a condom


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> I know this is after the fact, obviously but did it EVER occur to you to use protection????? You say you love your wife so much I dont understand how you didnt AT VERY LEAST protect her from disease??????


Condoms don't protect against herpes... Sex Ed 101.

C


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well not fully- it depends on where the skin to skin contact is


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> some "professionals" advertise that they do "BBBJ" (bareback blow jobs) or even charge more for intercourse without a condom


so youre saying he paid extra to NOT use protection???? 

Ironman??????


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> Condoms don't protect against herpes... Sex Ed 101.
> 
> C


Oh did he say he was ONLY worried about herpes????


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not necessarily saying that

I am saying that it is something known in the community of johns


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can get herpes from oral too.

Whether they used protection or not doesn't matter - BS's should still get tested for STD's. And yeah - once they've decided to screw someone else, whether they wore protection or not doesn't really matter.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OMG!
If the WS does not confess, what happens?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You can get herpes from oral too.
> 
> Whether they used protection or not doesn't matter - BS's should still get tested for STD's. And yeah - once they've decided to screw someone else, whether they wore protection or not doesn't really matter.


I can see your P.O.V. But to me, it would be just another exhibit of total disregard for me, the wife.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well not fully- it depends on where the skin to skin contact is


This is true -- but Ironman hasn't been on to say one way or the other about protection, so we don't know if he did or didn't. He knows he messed up really badly. We want him to keep reaching out for help, especially since he seems like a rare one that actually feels remorse without the info being forced out of him _first. _


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> not necessarily saying that
> 
> I am saying that it is something known in the community of johns



Sooooo....how do you know it then AR? :ezpi_wink1:





:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I had a feeling I would be accused of that 

and the honest truth is that in my search of infidelity stats and thoughts I stumbled upon some rather unsavory websites. I spent some time reading some sites that are pro-affair and saw a link on one site to a prostitute review site. I was in amazement in things they said and spent about an hour to two hours reading the sad things they said to each other (prostitutes were even on the site flirting with these saps). I took a shower afterward.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I had a feeling I would be accused of that
> 
> and the honest truth is that in my search of infidelity stats and thoughts I stumbled upon some rather unsavory websites. I spent some time reading some sites that are pro-affair and saw a link on one site to a prostitute review site. I was in amazement in things they said and spent about an hour to two hours reading the sad things they said to each other (prostitutes were even on the site flirting with these saps). I took a shower afterward.


Good save AR. lol


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hey, Ive admitted that I have been on ashmad for the wrong reasons


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You do realize I'm just joshing ya, right? 

The fact of the matter is that when a person seeks to learn more about infidelity and some of the "whys" that sometimes it takes you to sites about nudity, cross-dressing, swinging, B&D, S&M, and other fetishes...or pro-affair sites that offer everything from ONS to longer-term "relationships". And although it's not true for me--clearly there are some people who are "into that" and the fact of the matter is that their marriage is ending because they want their fetish and their spouse doesn't. 

Soooooo I hear ya--but I still found it humorous that you know all about "the john community" LOL :lol: :rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I ended up on some bulletin board site that was all for people to hook up and masturbate together via webcam once *shudder* Being cheated on has shown me a whole side of humanity that makes me want to go live on another planet.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

How can I love and go through with what I did (It was an unprotected BJ) I don't know; but I did and do love her. 
Not that it matters but I did ask and was given a copy of a clean STD report. I don't really know why I did it; it was like an itch that grew in my mind that I started obsessing over.
We told our grown daughter (who lives with us with her baby girl) tonight we are having "issues", we are working through them but we will both be very emotional.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ironman699 said:


> How can I love and go through with what I did (It was an unprotected BJ) I don't know; but I did and do love her.
> .


My hubby did the exact same thing. What's important now is what you do going forward. Cut off your left arm if that's what she needs. You will need to prove over and over again that you'll never do it again and that you are truly sorry.


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## Ironman699 (Mar 7, 2012)

We have our first MC session on Thursday. 
She is so hurt and I can't do anything to stop her pain. From those that have suffered would it be better in the long wrong if the marriage ended so that you could actually heal? 
All I can think about is how much better she would be if I weren't around; maybe not in the short term but in the long term. Wouldn't it be better for her to be able to hate me now, heal and move on to something better? She deserves so much better. To be able to trust without doubt, love without fear. To be able to look at her husband and not want to throw up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ironman699 said:


> We have our first MC session on Thursday.
> She is so hurt and I can't do anything to stop her pain. From those that have suffered would it be better in the long wrong if the marriage ended so that you could actually heal?
> All I can think about is how much better she would be if I weren't around; maybe not in the short term but in the long term. Wouldn't it be better for her to be able to hate me now, heal and move on to something better? She deserves so much better. To be able to trust without doubt, love without fear. To be able to look at her husband and not want to throw up.


That isn't up to you, it's up to her. When I kicked my hubby out he went without a thing to say about it, and it was MY choice for him to move back home. If I had told him I never wanted to see him again, he would have disappeared.

She will heal. It will take time, but she will. You have a HUGE HUGE HUGE amount of work to do now if she decides not to end things. Are you prepared?


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

My husband did exactly the same as you, got unprotected oral from a prostitute.

My husband also had alot of anger issues too, so unfortunately our marriage is ending and I am filing for divorce. It was the last straw, so to speak.

I think that if our marriage had been good otherwise, then we may have gotten through the infidelity, no guarantees - so maybe there is hope for you.

The best thing to do is give your wife lots of space, don't pressure for anything. Give up your right for sex and any kind of intimacy until she is ready - if she is ever ready.

Have a whole load of humility about you, no blame shifting or excuses. Let her express her hurt and take it on the chin.

Good luck in marriage counselling, I hope your wife can move past this.

Best wishes

Jen


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