# Actively Pursuing Married People



## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

So I have learned the hard way in the last year that marriage apparently means very little to a disturbing number of men and possibly women. I've watched as my wife has constantly had a revolving door of guys chasing her online and in regular life, with absolutely no regard that she is a married mother of two, including two of her affair partners. Have I just been a fool in thinking there's just a general rule you don't do that garbage? Most of my male friends I could never imagine and know they wouldn't do that, so where do these people come from?

Did I miss a great societal memo that married people are fair game and for all intents and purposes should ne looked at as pursuable? I mean this forum is littered with people struggling with these issues. Maybe it's that I never saw my parents being chased or encouraging that behavior, but I just don't get it. How honorless and pathetic does one have to be to chase after married individuals? Would love to hear some thoughts on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think it's also a function of the types of people and the types of places your wife is spending time with.

If these guys are popping up all over the place it's because she's choosing to put herself in places and situations where she's coming into a lot contact alone with men who are also alone , and she is putting out "I'm looking signals "

Don't buy it if she claims these guys just appear out nowhere. That's total bs. These guys are finding her because she's putting herself in situations to be noticed, and is opening the door to them.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Many people will be as faithful as their options allow. The main fault in this instance is clearly your wife. She has had two affair partners and you forgive and are looking in a way to justify her affairs by saying other men don't care about pursuing married women.

I know lots of happily married women and they have boundaries and easily and immediately shut down any flirting by other people. Since your wife has had two separate affairs and you have forgiven her; do you think she engaged in these affairs because she knew down deep that you would forgive her and therefore she had nothing to lose by having affairs.

I am guessing that there were no consequences to her first affair which sent a message that she could engage in another affair. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting of affairs and the humiliation and disrespect that you have endured?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Bryanp. You forgot "If you don't respect yourself, who will?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Funny you would ask this. Alone in my quiet time I often ask myself the very same question. Where did everything go so wrong? How did our society get to this point? Where did everyone's moral compass go? I have yet to figure out these answers, I just walk around and shake my head. 

The other question I often wonder is how many people do I walk past and see in everyday life situations who are facing or are participating in these behaviors? Lately, every time WH and I are out, I look at men and think are you a scumb*g too? I see women sitting at the bar glancing at my WH and think are you slvt too? It's crazy how jaded infidelity can make you. My world today is not what I perceived it to be just 2 months ago and that makes me sad.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Welcome to the real world. Sorry, but this has been the way of the world for a long, long time,


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Funny you would ask this. Alone in my quiet time I often ask myself the very same question. Where did everything go so wrong? How did our society get to this point? Where did everyone's moral compass go? I have yet to figure out these answers, I just walk around and shake my head.
> 
> The other question I often wonder is how many people do I walk past and see in everyday life situations who are facing or are participating in these behaviors? Lately, every time WH and I are out, I look at men and think are you a scumb*g too? I see women sitting at the bar glancing at my WH and think are you slvt too? It's crazy how jaded infidelity can make you. My world today is not what I perceived it to be just 2 months ago and that makes me sad.


Tacit approval (if not encouragement) is provided by most TV shows - even sit-coms (especially sit-coms?) 

In the "old days" the shows were more family oriented, now it's "get it on with anyone". 

Movies too. Little by little everyone starts to thinks that's the way it should be. 

Very sad


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Where did everything go so wrong? How did our society get to this point? Where did everyone's moral compass go? I have yet to figure out these answers, I just walk around and shake my head.


It started at this point, there just wasn't media hype and the easy opt option back in the day. If the moral compass is skewed from inception, eventually everything comes to a head.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

It's true what you guys said about my wife's involvement, it certainly does take two to tango and she has had little to no boundaries when it comes to "putting herself out there", flirting, and generously giving signals she is open. Granted every guy she's done that she has always claimed has been just a friend. It's just the two that were interesting enough to get through and turn into special friends. Yuck.

Right now we're separated and I thought were just getting past some of the damage of both of our marital screw ups. I've been doing a lot of personal work, and I thought I saw her starting to change some things, but then I find out she had a guy she met from a dating site that she's been hanging out with for a month over to our house and sat out in his jeep with him for an hour while my son looked on from his bedroom window. He's how I found out. I knew about them going out every once in a while, but she deliberately hid the fact he came over. This just made me totally put up the defenses and want to step back if not fully let go. Clearly she has changed very little. Ironically, the day I found this out I was just praising her and encouraging her in her honesty. Sad.

I've known about this guy, and as with every other one, she has assured me he's, "just a friend." But her gas lighting aside, I've also glanced at her text messages where he seems to ask her every five minutes when they can meet up next. That's where I can't help but wonder how much impact DOES it have when people are so willingly to actively push and pursue our spouses. Yes, they can have boundaries and not put themselves out there, but what if they had a lot more trouble finding temptation in the form of people who will chase so hard?

The first two guys I confronted and gave a piece of my mind, but one lives in Ireland and the other many states over, so it's not like I could offer up a physical incentive to quit going after her. This guy I could, but I don't think he even knows she's still seeing where things are with us. He's like a convicted felon with dread locks who lives in his parent's garage, so it's not like I even feel it would be worth bothering with at this point.

Is that part of the problem though, have consequences of going after married people become too light? In the old days it seems women would be labeled home wreckers and men had the wrath of the woman's husband to fear if found out. Maybe those were good things in the defense of marriage? Yes, it does come down to the responsibility of the married person to act with dignity and honor their marital vows, but has the temptation ever been so readily available and acceptable as it is today in our society?


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Funny you would ask this. Alone in my quiet time I often ask myself the very same question. Where did everything go so wrong? How did our society get to this point? Where did everyone's moral compass go? I have yet to figure out these answers, I just walk around and shake my head.
> 
> The other question I often wonder is how many people do I walk past and see in everyday life situations who are facing or are participating in these behaviors? Lately, every time WH and I are out, I look at men and think are you a scumb*g too? I see women sitting at the bar glancing at my WH and think are you slvt too? It's crazy how jaded infidelity can make you. My world today is not what I perceived it to be just 2 months ago and that makes me sad.


I wonder that too, but the thing is I know very few people who engage in those kinds of behaviors. As I said earlier, none of my male friends I know of, even the more questionable ones I could image chasing some married woman. That's nuts! There are plenty of single ones out there.

I hate giving in to bitterness, but I have to admit having these experiences has lessened my faith in the dignity of humanity that much more. Ugh.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It started at this point, there just wasn't media hype and the easy opt option back in the day. If the moral compass is skewed from inception, eventually everything comes to a head.


Infidelity has been around as long as mankind. There just wasn't the spotlight on it that media puts on it these days. Doesn't mean it hasn't been there all along.

Now I can agree that in current times infidelity may be reaching "record levels' b/c of it's acceptance. IMO, you can blame that on female liberalization. When women were codependent on a husband I would guess that infidelity occurrences were much more infrequent. Almost certainly not for men though ... however, I'd wager that even men didn't screw around as much b/c the married women weren't as available ... so men simply didn't have as many opportunities to screw around. In other words they were more loyal than today .. but not by choice.

So there you have it. My 2 cent philosophy on the history of infidelity.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm guessing it's more exciting to 'win' someone away from someone else. Far more difficult than a single person, therefore more of a prize when you have it. The allure of the forbidden etc.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Tacit approval (if not encouragement) is provided by most TV shows - even sit-coms (especially sit-coms?)
> 
> In the "old days" the shows were more family oriented, now it's "get it on with anyone".
> 
> ...


Very true. When you have those messages getting drilled into our heads on a regular basis, it's bound to have some penetration and shape things. I mean even my wife's early 20 something "friends" she has made online seem to have this attitude of you go for it, have an affair, life is too short! They thought her affair with the guy in Ireland (also their friend) was adorable. Yeah, until he got bored of watching her shows and dropped her. 

Where is the voice of "hey, ya know...affairs are pretty horrible all around for all involved, probably not the best way to handle things" anymore? That's what I would tell any of my friends, if I didn't flat out telling them they were being retarded in even thinking about it. And I didn't exactly think I'm Mr. Moral Enlightenment here, just a decent human being.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Stilllife

Your wife is part of the problem - yeah, lots of guys will chase skirts, but some women like to be actively chased. It looks like your wife has reached a stage in her life where she's decided that she's going to enjoy "what's out there". 

Unfortunately, where she's looking is not going to turn out very pleasant if she's looking "long term". The kind of friendship this guy wants includes benefits. H3ll, it STARTS with "benefits."


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Nah. If a spouse puts up strong boundaries and sticks with them, I guarantee the number of suitors would drop.

Why would they stick around when there are countless of other spouses out there who are encouraging the flirting?
if I were on a dating website?
Umm, id be doing so looking for a date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

StillLife said:


> *Did I miss a great societal memo that married people are fair game* and for all intents and purposes should ne looked at as pursuable? I mean this forum is littered with people struggling with these issues. Maybe it's that I never saw my parents being chased or encouraging that behavior, but I just don't get it. How honorless and pathetic does one have to be to chase after married individuals? Would love to hear some thoughts on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes you did. Have you been asleep in the past 40 years?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Robsia said:


> I'm guessing it's more exciting to 'win' someone away from someone else. Far more difficult than a single person, therefore more of a prize when you have it. The allure of the forbidden etc.


I think in many ways, the AP wants the life that the BS has......the nice car, the nicely furnished big house, a man with job security, etc. They falsely think that the BS is living a fantasy. The BS is not getting that fun, dreamy spouse the AP is seeing. It is not a total perfect package. My husband's [email protected] wanted my life. It is that simple.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Funny you would ask this. Alone in my quiet time I often ask myself the very same question. Where did everything go so wrong? How did our society get to this point? Where did everyone's moral compass go? I have yet to figure out these answers, I just walk around and shake my head.
> 
> The other question I often wonder is how many people do I walk past and see in everyday life situations who are facing or are participating in these behaviors? Lately, every time WH and I are out, I look at men and think are you a scumb*g too? I see women sitting at the bar glancing at my WH and think are you slvt too? It's crazy how jaded infidelity can make you. My world today is not what I perceived it to be just 2 months ago and that makes me sad.


I feel the same way when i go out, i also set and wonder as im looking at married couples wondering if those men or women ever think about being able to betray there spouse like ours betrayed us. It just make me sick going around feeling like my marriage is a fake while everyone else doesn't have a clue or know what it feels like looking all happy and care free playing with there kids. Now anytime my wife want to go somewhere i feel like a control freak who gets all anxious and paranoid. When it takes her a little longer then i would think if its at the store or when she drives home from work, the anxiety i feel wondering did she do a quick stop at someplace she shouldn't have. It sucks. I use to be never like this, to now it controls my life and my thought process. I feel like im slowly being robed of my sanity. It really make me second guess about doing a R a lot of the times.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Every time I see a person alone, texting, I wonder if they are cheating on a spouse. When I see old people together, I wonder if they are really happy, or if they just stayed together because one felt they could not leave.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

In our case I think my H went so far with his online OW BECAUSE she was married. They 'met' in an online game chat room and it quickly went over the line, after a few weeks. They were both unhappy with their lives but had said from the start they were not going to leave their spouses. My H felt safe in that she would not be pursuing him if /when he broke it off. 

Turns out HE was the one who started the contact again this time after 8 months, but claims it was as 'just friends'. I don't really believe this , but I will never know. She lives across the country so I am 99% sure they never did, and weren't planning on, meeting IRL. 

And yes, I am reading the "NOT Just Friends" book and have asked H to do so as well.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Stilllife
> 
> Your wife is part of the problem - yeah, lots of guys will chase skirts, but some women likpe to be actively chased. It looks like your wife has reached a stage in her life where she's decided that she's going to enjoy "what's out there".
> 
> Unfortunately, where she's looking is not going to turn out very pleasant if she's looking "long term". The kind of friendship this guy wants includes benefits. H3ll, it STARTS with "benefits."


You know, there's definitely truth to this. If this is what she really wants to do with her life, if her great ambition at this point in life is to see how many desperate guys she can have around that make her feel 
pursued and good about herself, is that what I want anyway affairs or not? Nope. I'm on a great kick to be the best version of myself I can be lately because of all this and clearly...she's just not someone who can have the aelf respect to want to do the same. Sad. Oh well, I've already come far in letting go of this whole mess and I think this realization just confirms that's all that's left. I held on because of the strong bond we share, but I really need that bond with someone who is above getting their energy and self respect soley from feeling desired by random men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Numbersixxx said:


> Yes you did. Have you been asleep in the past 40 years?


Haha! Must have! Never thought of myself as old fashioned, but maybe I just am when it comes to honoring commitments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Multiple affairs, she'll still seeking other men, probably sleeping with them now, what is the deal breaker for you?

You can't put the onus on other people in this world. Not everybody has the same moral fibre as you, your wife is just a skirt, willing and ready to do womanly things to a man. At the end of the day you throw meat in the shark tank and there will be a feeding frenzy.

There is no honesty in this relationship, your wife doesn't even respect you enough not to bring men home then how can you R?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

StillLife said:


> So I have learned the hard way in the last year that marriage apparently means very little to a disturbing number of men and possibly women. I've watched as my wife has constantly had a revolving door of guys chasing her online and in regular life, with absolutely no regard that she is a married mother of two, including two of her affair partners. Have I just been a fool in thinking there's just a general rule you don't do that garbage? Most of my male friends I could never imagine and know they wouldn't do that, so where do these people come from?
> 
> Did I miss a great societal memo that married people are fair game and for all intents and purposes should ne looked at as pursuable? I mean this forum is littered with people struggling with these issues. Maybe it's that I never saw my parents being chased or encouraging that behavior, but I just don't get it. How honorless and pathetic does one have to be to chase after married individuals? Would love to hear some thoughts on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"StillLife", the ones who do it think YOUR pathetic, think that you are not making "mature" decisions, think your not doing what you "really" want to do.

One thing is true. When you realize you married a cheater and if you are not with the program you cannot support them one iota. Financially, emotionally, you cannot support their character when attacked, you shouldn't even really think about them.

It takes 3 years after the fact for a cheater to fully come to terms and decide it was a mistake or this is the way they really want to be.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> I'm guessing it's more exciting to 'win' someone away from someone else. *Far more difficult than a single person*, therefore more of a prize when you have it.


I'm not so sure about the difficulty of bedding a married person, especially if the soon-to-be-betrayed spouse 'isn't fulfilling their needs'. I think an unhappy (or inherently selfish) spouse is a particularly ripe fruit to pluck. It may seem like a great prize to some losers who need an ego boost, but I don't think it is at all. Add to that the fact that an affair partner, especially if they're single, has practically nothing to lose. 

Entertainment seems to be more accepting of infidelity now than ever before, with possible exception of the French courts in the 1700s. Back in the old days, in literature or writings, opera, etc. someone would likely be getting killed in a duel or there would be some other sort of comeuppance or fallout. Wrath of heavens. I simply don't see the damage being shown, the real consequences, the pain the BS goes through, the price the AP might pay- because for many AP there is no immediate 'price', no consequences. AP can feel pretty confident they aren't going to be shot in the back as they slip out of the bedroom window. 

I simply can't imagine pursuing a married woman. That said, I'm pretty sure I was in EA territory with another woman who was in a committed long term, albeit unhappy relationship. My DW was in her PA at the time, I certainly didn't set out to poach... but it was nice to have someone paying attention to me. She and I acknowledged the signs of an impending A shortly after Dday2 dropped on me, and I ended the friendship. I feel pretty bad about the whole thing, for the woman and her SO since she ended up telling him and they were practically married anyway, and also for the friendship that went out of bounds because I don't have many close friends. It's a slippery slope indeed. Even after reading _Not... Just Friends_ I was a ripe fruit myself because of what was happening in my life.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

A great thing about married females is the ease of access. The wife has to be open for new attention first of all. After she is receptive a give and take begins. To the POSOM....this is NSA sex in truth but covered as "where have you been all my life". He can enjoy it until she is caught or she breaks it off. He really has nothing to work for so why try? Seriously....."she tells me I'm the one she always wanted for all time"....just like she told her H. I wonder how many affairs are ended when the CW says 'i'm leaving my husband and moving in with you.....with my three kids....your mancave has to go....baby room....poker table....must go...bookshelf for children's books.....no more drinking......not good example for kids.

Can we say light speed retreat?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

StillLife said:


> I've watched as my wife has constantly had a revolving door of guys chasing her online and in regular life, with absolutely no regard that she is a married mother of two, including two of her affair partners.


 Your wife is sending out signals to other men letting them know that she is available and encouraging them to pursue her. This attracts other cheaters like blood in the water attracts sharks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife is ADVERTISING her availability on a dating site. You should hardly be surprised that someone is willing to buy what she's selling...

Expecting the rest of the world to subscribe to your moral code is begging for disappointment. I wouldn't leave my iPad on a cafeteria table as I went and refilled my drink for example, even though I wouldn't take one that was left on a table (or if I did, it would be to try to find out who to return it to, assuming someone who was less honest might pick it up instead). I don't leave my door unlocked at home, I work at protecting my children from ill intentioned individuals, etc. All because I don't trust the rest of the world to have the same morals as I do. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> I'm not so sure about the difficulty of bedding a married person, especially if the soon-to-be-betrayed spouse 'isn't fulfilling their needs'. I think an unhappy (or inherently selfish) spouse is a particularly ripe fruit to pluck. It may seem like a great prize to some losers who need an ego boost, but I don't think it is at all. Add to that the fact that an affair partner, especially if they're single, has practically nothing to lose.
> 
> Entertainment seems to be more accepting of infidelity now than ever before, with possible exception of the French courts in the 1700s. Back in the old days, in literature or writings, opera, etc. someone would likely be getting killed in a duel or there would be some other sort of comeuppance or fallout. Wrath of heavens. I simply don't see the damage being shown, the real consequences, the pain the BS goes through, the price the AP might pay- because for many AP there is no immediate 'price', no consequences. AP can feel pretty confident they aren't going to be shot in the back as they slip out of the bedroom window.
> 
> I simply can't imagine pursuing a married woman. That said, I'm pretty sure I was in EA territory with another woman who was in a committed long term, albeit unhappy relationship. My DW was in her PA at the time, I certainly didn't set out to poach... but it was nice to have someone paying attention to me. She and I acknowledged the signs of an impending A shortly after Dday2 dropped on me, and I ended the friendship. I feel pretty bad about the whole thing, for the woman and her SO since she ended up telling him and they were practically married anyway, and also for the friendship that went out of bounds because I don't have many close friends. It's a slippery slope indeed. Even after reading _Not... Just Friends_ I was a ripe fruit myself because of what was happening in my life.



'wow' this post is full of wisdom and insight. 

It's true, I think, that the number of 'real-live' friends we all have has probably dwindled. There are many more casual acquaintances if we're honest. 

In my 40's I must have had about 3-4 very good friends. Fewer than in my twenties. And of course, scores of casual acquaintances. But only 3 - 4 who I would have confided my "innermosts". 

Now, I have exactly ONE close friend - and maybe 15 - 20 casuals. Yeah the other friends are still "friends" but distance and circumstances have changed the dynamics. 

I recall that in my 30s one of my real friends (married w 3 younuns) was getting involved with an 18 yo girl. We had many long discussions of the repercussions. 

I think today's "friends" are much less likely to offer real counsel and more likely to just offer "support". 

JMO


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I guess the bottom line is that there's no 'repressive state apparatus' (courts, laws, etc.) that punishes cheaters or affair partners, and the 'ideological apparatus' (serious social consequences for cheaters and affair partners) has no teeth anymore. 

Without one of these two 'societal apparatuses', extramarital affairs will become increasingly open, accepted, and commonplace.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StillLife said:


> So I have learned the hard way in the last year that marriage apparently means very little to a disturbing number of men and possibly women. I've watched as my wife has constantly had a revolving door of guys chasing her online and in regular life, with absolutely no regard that she is a married mother of two, including two of her affair partners. Have I just been a fool in thinking there's just a general rule you don't do that garbage? Most of my male friends I could never imagine and know they wouldn't do that, so where do these people come from?
> 
> Did I miss a great societal memo that married people are fair game and for all intents and purposes should ne looked at as pursuable? I mean this forum is littered with people struggling with these issues. Maybe it's that I never saw my parents being chased or encouraging that behavior, but I just don't get it. How honorless and pathetic does one have to be to chase after married individuals? Would love to hear some thoughts on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Part of this is that laws have changed. Chasing a married woman could get you killed.

Look. Here is the deal. There seems to be a social agenda that not only tells poachers it is ok to do this but that it is admirable. Yes really.

But hey. It really does not matter. I hold people responsible. I get to do that. Make a pass at my wife knowing she is married and you are screwing up.

Indeed your spouse should shut thiese down immediately. Indeed you need to engage with them right away if they do not. Do not be gaslighted by being called jealous, insecure or controlling. Do not accept that ot being called harmless fun.

Make it clear this is not ok.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I'm guessing it's more exciting to 'win' someone away from someone else. Far more difficult than a single person, therefore more of a prize when you have it. The allure of the forbidden etc.


Some men get off on taking another mans wife. It is an ego boost to think that with no effort at all, you are so awesome, another man's wife will drop her panties for you. Even though her hsuband has giebn all to her. 

It is an ego trip for the poacher. He not only humiayes the husband. He has even lesser reguard for his conquest.

Married people can be easy targets. 

But if your wife has been unfaithful, and she has the enemy at her gates ... then for certain my friend she has left the red light in the window for all to see.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

It's hard for me to believe that anyone has boundaries or morals anymore. 

I've lost my faith in humanity after what I'm going though now, and things I've seen, plus things I continue to see.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Some "men" target married women because so many are bored in their relationships, and because if she gets pregnant there's another man to play dad. These guys should be shot but they're out there...


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I think in many ways, the AP wants the life that the BS has......the nice car, the nicely furnished big house, a man with job security, etc. They falsely think that the BS is living a fantasy. The BS is not getting that fun, dreamy spouse the AP is seeing. It is not a total perfect package. My husband's [email protected] wanted my life. It is that simple.


They usually do want your "life", and she did get the "life essense" that your husband was sharing at one time with you, and he stripped it from you. So she did get a good part of your "life" at least temporarily.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I think in many ways, the AP wants the life that the BS has......the nice car, the nicely furnished big house, a man with job security, etc. They falsely think that the BS is living a fantasy. The BS is not getting that fun, dreamy spouse the AP is seeing. It is not a total perfect package. My husband's [email protected] wanted my life. It is that simple.


They usually do want your "life", and she did get the "life essense" that your husband was sharing at one time with you, and he stripped it from you. So she did get a good part of your "life" at least temporarily.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Possibly women? You ever look at the discrepency of threads on this board, Ma'am?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

notmarriedyet said:


> It's hard for me to believe that anyone has boundaries or morals anymore.
> 
> I've lost my faith in humanity after what I'm going though now, and things I've seen, plus things I continue to see.


Have you read my story? It is one of betrayal, horror, humiliation and eventually, restoration and renewal. 

Don't lose your faith in humanity. There are terrible, terrible people in this world, to be sure. But you can't afford to live in fear and distrust. It will not bring about the peace and safety you believe it will.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> Have you read my story? It is one of betrayal, horror, humiliation and eventually, restoration and renewal.
> 
> Don't lose your faith in humanity. There are terrible, terrible people in this world, to be sure. But you can't afford to live in fear and distrust. It will not bring about the peace and safety you believe it will.


Thank you for the kind words. Please point me toward your story. I still haven't gotten the hang of this forum quite yet, forgive me!


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Nah. If a spouse puts up strong boundaries and sticks with them, I guarantee the number of suitors would drop.
> 
> Why would they stick around when there are countless of other spouses out there who are encouraging the flirting?
> if I were on a dating website?
> ...


Very true. I remember my my ex and the countless number of guys flirting with her at her job, one of them asking if he could go home with her repeatedly, knowing the whole time she was married. She did absolutely NOTHING to discourage it, and by not discouraging it that is a 'big green light' to many young men who know that diligence pays off.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

There is this woman I know who sells suits to men. She is young cute, intelligent, and funny. Her job dictates that she spend most of her day with men, in their office. These are men who buy $1000 suits, so they have money, power whatever. 2 weeks ago she was in my office speaking with my business partner and me. We have known her for years and buy from her regularly. She is a friend I would say. 

Still she surprised me. I have always KNOWN she loves her husband. She talks about him often and in a positive light, very positive in fact. She is a Christian woman and makes that clear...not in your face clear but if you listen it is clearly there. So we were talking about her and her husband making a life changing decision and she said...I have the easy job, God just expects me to honor my husband and I am accountable for that. He has the harder job, he is accountable to God for the whole family". Now I don't care if you agree with her or not, though I would suggest if more of us followed this thinking this board would be less populated. 

But the point is I know that every man she deals with gets the same vibe, loud and clear.."I AM MARRIED AND LOVE MY HUSBAND_ YOU WILL BE WASTING YOUR TIME COMING AFTER ME!!!" You can't help but get that from her.

It's that simple. I bet no one hits on her.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Some "men" target married women because so many are bored in their relationships, and because if she gets pregnant there's another man to play dad. These guys should be shot but they're out there...


I would add that it's also b/c married women are "easier". So the AP might just be after the easy sex. Not many men are willing to resist easy sex from a good looking woman who is coming on strong .. married or not. I would also add that these guys are not just "out there" ... they are everywhere. You're going to need a hell of lot of bullets.

Besides, I almost never blame the APs in infidelity ... it's the wandering spouse that should be the focus. They're the ones who created the situation for themselves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

To the OP, your wife has had multiple affairs and she's still "making friends" with men, and has a dating profile.

Why haven't you filed and D her? She's is very obviously a committed serial cheater with neither remorse or intention to stop.

If she has any intention of saving the marriage there would be ZERO male friends in her life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

slater said:


> ... So we were talking about her and her husband making a life changing decision and she said...I have the easy job, God just expects me to honor my husband and I am accountable for that. He has the harder job, he is accountable to God for the whole family". ...


Wow - this attitude is not rare but her having the "guts" to express it openly without embarrassment IS rare. 

I pray that her husband never cheats on her.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

My story is similar to these also. My wife swears up and down she doens't do anything to draw the attention of men, and I know they know she's married, but I've had to chase away three in the past 10 months.

I keep telling her there is SOMETHING that these guys are picking up on that gives them the signal that she's open to it. Just too many times, especially recently. Yes, she's very attractive and has a great personality, but I haven't had to keep doing this the entire time we've been married.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

slater said:


> There is this woman I know who sells suits to men. She is young cute, intelligent, and funny. Her job dictates that she spend most of her day with men, in their office. These are men who buy $1000 suits, so they have money, power whatever. 2 weeks ago she was in my office speaking with my business partner and me. We have known her for years and buy from her regularly. She is a friend I would say.
> 
> Still she surprised me. I have always KNOWN she loves her husband. She talks about him often and in a positive light, very positive in fact. She is a Christian woman and makes that clear...not in your face clear but if you listen it is clearly there. So we were talking about her and her husband making a life changing decision and she said...I have the easy job, God just expects me to honor my husband and I am accountable for that. He has the harder job, he is accountable to God for the whole family". Now I don't care if you agree with her or not, though I would suggest if more of us followed this thinking this board would be less populated.
> 
> ...


You know our church...or what used to be our church was filled with women like that. We all know those women out there who are married and give hints they're open to at least initial flirting and then there are ones who make it very clear in their demeanor they have too much self respect and dignity to even entertain flirtations from other men. Maybe the reality IS that the onus is on the spouse to not seem available. There will always be some lonely, desperate potential AP to jump at the opportunity for easy sex or or relations.

Sad to say I guess I just didn't marry a woman with enough integrity and respect to not engage in that kind of stuff and that's always been one of the things that breaks my heart, because in many ways I think my wife is an incredible woman. We have been (almost) inseparable from the time we met, but it seems she'll just never have the strength of character or a desire to get there to ever change. Dammit. 

And to those who have asked why I've endured...I guess my love for her and the hope she could be the awesome person I thought she had the potential to be. But...guess I have to finally give up that dream. She's not changing - thinks everything is fine, with her primary friendships being with men who are interested in more with her. Still hate it for the kids that this is what their mother wants for all of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

InLand-Did she have recent physical changes? Job change? Additional free time? New friends? How were these guys discovered?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

ironman said:


> I would add that it's also b/c married women are "easier". So the AP might just be after the easy sex. Not many men are willing to resist easy sex from a good looking woman who is coming on strong .. married or not. I would also add that these guys are not just "out there" ... they are everywhere. You're going to need a hell of lot of bullets.
> 
> Besides, I almost never blame the APs in infidelity ... it's the wandering spouse that should be the focus. They're the ones who created the situation for themselves.


They're only a quarter


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> InLand-Did she have recent physical changes? Job change? Additional free time? New friends? How were these guys discovered?


The timing has been interesting. For all I know, she's been hit on for years but never thought to tell me. 

She had a workplace EA / something last June. Literally while still dealing with that while she was away at work training for a month, another guy from her company started asking her to dinner and drinks. She said she was floored - she always considered him a mentor and nothing else. She declined but he kept at it for a few more months, always texting her on holidays and birthdays. She never responded but he wouldn't take the hint to stop. I finally dealt with it directly when he texted her in the middle of our anniversary dinner with a "What's up?" I called him from the dinner table on her phone and told him, basically, he better forget she even exists or the next time I see a message, I'm coming for him. He hasn't contacted her since.

Then, while investigating the phone logs on my wife's EA interest last summer, I found another text from ANOTHER guy in the hotel she was staying in saying, "It was great meeting you last night." She never responded and swears a colleage of hers gave this guy her number. (Yeah, right.) Apparently, she and her boy toy/EA co-worker went out for drinks one night to a sports bar with this other dude. Agan, the story I got was she had NO IDEA it was a bad idea to go out drinking in a new city with two men she didn't even know. *facepalm*

Three months ago, ANOTHER guy who travels into town in her company, started the dinner/drinks thing again, this time pretending it to be a thank you for all of her work on a project he heads. She informed me immediately, and asked what to do. I said she needed to politely (office politics) but firmly say no thanks - I don't go out with men other than my husband. She did - and HE KEPT AT IT!! ("Oh, come on, you aren't going to make me eat ALONE, are you?") She once again, this time more firmly said no, and he dropped it.

She is very pretty. She is fun and likable. But she is also MARRIED. I am also attractive and funny and own my own business, yet I NEVER get women hitting on me. I told her the difference is in how we are carrying ourselves. I purposely give off the vibe that I am TAKEN and here to do business, etc. She, apparently, doesn't. Or at least, didn't. She's learning a lot during this R.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> The timing has been interesting. For all I know, she's been hit on for years but never thought to tell me.
> 
> She had a workplace EA / something last June. Literally while still dealing with that while she was away at work training for a month, another guy from her company started asking her to dinner and drinks. She said she was floored - she always considered him a mentor and nothing else. She declined but he kept at it for a few more months, always texting her on holidays and birthdays. She never responded but he wouldn't take the hint to stop. I finally dealt with it directly when he texted her in the middle of our anniversary dinner with a "What's up?" I called him from the dinner table on her phone and told him, basically, he better forget she even exists or the next time I see a message, I'm coming for him. He hasn't contacted her since.
> 
> ...


You may ask her to take some of the men up on dinner and drinks, but ask if her husband can go. If the guy says "no", she tells him, "I'd like to join you, but only if my husband can come". That will shut it down.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

No need anymore. There are very firm boundaries in place.

No guy time alone with anyone but me.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Quite simply I have seen excuses from it a cultural thing to I am not the one breaking the vows. 

I find it so sad and dishearting that we have become a society that does not value marriage and a two parent household. We give up so easy now. If life is hard and we are not happy....have an affair or divorce.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> The timing has been interesting. For all I know, she's been hit on for years but never thought to tell me.
> 
> She had a workplace EA / something last June. Literally while still dealing with that while she was away at work training for a month, another guy from her company started asking her to dinner and drinks. She said she was floored - she always considered him a mentor and nothing else. She declined but he kept at it for a few more months, always texting her on holidays and birthdays. She never responded but he wouldn't take the hint to stop. I finally dealt with it directly when he texted her in the middle of our anniversary dinner with a "What's up?" I called him from the dinner table on her phone and told him, basically, he better forget she even exists or the next time I see a message, I'm coming for him. He hasn't contacted her since.
> 
> ...


She doesn't get that these are sharks wanting to eat. And it's not that you shouldn't be able to do these things with co-workers, but look at how things really are in this world.

Another "game" you can play is to be at the bar with the wife. You kinda have a little distance, not a ton. Guy comes over to hit on the wife and offer a drink. And she says "thanks ( with a smile ), do you mind getting one for my husband too"? Husband steps over confidently to his own wife's zone, and a friendly and authentic "hi" comes out of your mouth.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

StillLife said:


> then I find out she had a guy she met from a dating site that she's been hanging out with for a month over to our house and *sat out in his jeep with him for an hour while my son looked on from his bedroom window*. He's how I found out. *I knew about them going out every once in a while*, but she deliberately hid the fact he came over.


If he was in your house earlier, why did they have to go sit out in his car for an hour? Maybe they had "adult" stuff to "talk" about that little boys shouldn't see.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think the larger question is who did we really marry? I look at my husband and I can't seem to find the ability to respect someone who betrayed me, who sat and slept beside me etc.- while daydreaming of someone else, who allowed me to suffer many emotional wounds on my own while he put her on a pedestal...Until God dragged her off of it. What level of evil lies in the heart of someone capable of such betrayal? What level of a human being considers committment a revolving door? Yet I am to forgive, forgive, forgive...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

StillLife said:


> there are ones who make it very clear in their demeanor they have too much self respect and dignity to even entertain flirtations from other men. *Maybe the reality IS that the onus is on the spouse to not seem available. There will always be some lonely, desperate potential AP to jump at the opportunity for easy sex or or relations.*
> 
> Sad to say I guess I just didn't marry a woman with enough integrity and respect to not engage in that kind of stuff and that's always been one of the things that breaks my heart, because in many ways I think my wife is an incredible woman. We have been (almost) inseparable from the time we met, but it seems she'll just never have the strength of character or a desire to get there to ever change. Dammit.
> 
> ...


This is exactly it. I dated a lot of women when I was younger and I would say that they made the first MOVE just about every time - very very rarely did they approach me; as a matter of fact, I pretty much always was the one who approached them, but the truth is that I only approached them after they gave me some kind of signal that they were open to it - a friendly smile, eye contact that lasted just a little too long, just a certain vibe or attitude. Then after talking to them, they touch your arm or shoulder while they laugh at your jokes, compliment you. I would suspect that your wife does these things if guys are constantly hitting on her.

Of course, a pretty girl (or woman) will have guys hitting on her out of the blue, basically fishing, every single day. If she is all business with them, does not give any signals out that she is interested, most will go away quickly. If she shuts them down with a strong comment, like "I'm married and not interested, go away," they all will leave her alone. Of course, your wife does not do this or anything close to it. She actively encourages guys to approach her.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

StillLife said:


> So I have learned the hard way in the last year that marriage apparently means very little to a disturbing number of men and possibly women. I've watched as my wife has constantly had a revolving door of guys chasing her online and in regular life, with absolutely no regard that she is a married mother of two, including two of her affair partners. Have I just been a fool in thinking there's just a general rule you don't do that garbage? Most of my male friends I could never imagine and know they wouldn't do that, so where do these people come from?
> 
> Did I miss a great societal memo that married people are fair game and for all intents and purposes should ne looked at as pursuable? I mean this forum is littered with people struggling with these issues. Maybe it's that I never saw my parents being chased or encouraging that behavior, but I just don't get it. How honorless and pathetic does one have to be to chase after married individuals? Would love to hear some thoughts on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You married that type of person and you are still baffled?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Someone earlier said: cheating has been there time immemorial.
Wake up.

If you are fortunate, you will have partner that respects boundaries.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> It's hard for me to believe that anyone has boundaries or morals anymore.
> 
> I've lost my faith in humanity after what I'm going though now, and things I've seen, plus things I continue to see.


Thing is you grow up in a fairly good environment, raised right, maybe you have the example of your parents who are still together, maybe you're just a good person who believes in the sanctity of relationships, then you step out into the world and you meet them, the callous ones who think nothing of destroying you whilst satisfying their own carnal needs.

I don't believe in becoming another piece of wreckage strewn along the road that is their life. I was born alone, I will die alone, in between then I'll stay true to my values and hopefully meet someone who will compliment and reciprocate them. Otherwise you will just remain a victim.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Quite simply I have seen excuses from it a cultural thing to I am not the one breaking the vows.
> 
> I find it so sad and dishearting that we have become a society that does not value marriage and a two parent household. We give up so easy now. If life is hard and we are not happy....have an affair or divorce.


Certain parts of our society are being mapped to match the system. So if you are a willing father, you may be kicked out when it's time for kids to come, so you can match the current representation of a family. Trust me, it sucks.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> This is exactly it. I dated a lot of women when I was younger and I would say that they made the first MOVE just about every time - very very rarely did they approach me; as a matter of fact, I pretty much always was the one who approached them, but the truth is that I only approached them after they gave me some kind of signal that they were open to it - a friendly smile, eye contact that lasted just a little too long, just a certain vibe or attitude. Then after talking to them, they touch your arm or shoulder while they laugh at your jokes, compliment you. I would suspect that your wife does these things if guys are constantly hitting on her.
> 
> Of course, a pretty girl (or woman) will have guys hitting on her out of the blue, basically fishing, every single day. If she is all business with them, does not give any signals out that she is interested, most will go away quickly. If she shuts them down with a strong comment, like "I'm married and not interested, go away," they all will leave her alone. Of course, your wife does not do this or anything close to it. She actively encourages guys to approach her.


Subconsciously she likes the attention. She could still get a lot of it, but have the vibe that she is taken. But men in her environments will learn she's not "fair game", because she will mean it. At this age, I get insulted if a women who KNOWS I am serious about my relationship partner takes it there, it's disrespect to me and my relationship partner.

Wife needs to understand it and decide if she wants to still feed into it.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Calibre12 said:


> I think the larger question is who did we really marry? I look at my husband and I can't seem to find the ability to respect someone who betrayed me, who sat and slept beside me etc.- while daydreaming of someone else, who allowed me to suffer many emotional wounds on my own while he put her on a pedestal...Until God dragged her off of it. What level of evil lies in the heart of someone capable of such betrayal? What level of a human being considers committment a revolving door? Yet I am to forgive, forgive, forgive...


He didn't see it as evil. He thought he was in love. He was focused on his feelings and not how he was making you feel.


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