# stay opened minded and not over-react



## simpleplan (Apr 10, 2013)

I am looking for some unbais and experienced advise, to see if I am worrying about a problem that just isn't there.

My wife had an PA many years back. She never admitted it, but there was just too much evidence to lie her way out of. The kids were young and I felt they needed me, so I dealt with it for awhile, but I turned to drinking to deal with the depression.

That nearly killed me, but once sobered up, I realized our family life wasn't helping the kids at all. I moved my payroll to a new bank and rented an apartment, then told my wife I was moving. She went through her nasty routine which included threatening to take the kids and leave. When it didn't work, and she knew I was really leaving, it sobered her up, so to speak. I still moved out for a little over a year while she decided what she wanted to do. I wasn't living in a house where my wife comes home at 5am and is calling 'guy friends' in the middle of the night. 

Surprising we're still married going on 20 years this year, 14 of which I've been sober. I never quite recovered from the trust issues, but we talk a lot more and try to be more open. At least I think so. 

Again I starting getting misinformation when I ask about random events. I woke one night and she is texting on her phone at 4:30am. I told her to put it away and get some sleep, we had a busy day the next day. Later, I looked at the text records on the website, and found the number listed and asked her who it was. And what she was doing texting so early in the morning. I've got nothing but the run around. It's her sister. But the sister lives in a different town then White Pages lists this number. I must be confused. Then it starts into, well you don't believe her when I tell the truth routine. There is a difference between not believing and not understanding, correct? 

There has been similar situations. I was out of town and couldn't get reach on her cell. Once I did she couldn't give me an answer why is was MIA. After pressing her she said was at a funeral, and forgot about going, and must have left her cell phone off. 

To me, I guess her reasoning could be true, and maybe it is my lack of trust that is the problem. But they sound like total BS to me. 

I don't think she is have a PA, but she may have hooked up with someone from hgh school and having an EA. I hate to do anything if it is a mistake.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

You need to get more intel and know what's going on without asking her about it. Here are a couple easy first steps.

1) Check the phone log for her cell phone either online or on the printed bill. See how often she is calling or texting that number.

2) Pay a few dollars at one of those websites and find out who the number belongs to.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop confronting any clue, lie, suspicion...
Play dumb and snoop seriously: Phone buill, keylogger, cellspyway, VAR, GPS, money flow...
If proceed confront then.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I wasn't living in a house where my wife comes home at 5am and is calling 'guy friends' in the middle of the night.


Doesn't this answer all your questions ?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

simpleplan said:


> Again I starting getting misinformation when I ask about random events. I woke one night and she is texting on her phone at 4:30am. I told her to put it away and get some sleep, we had a busy day the next day. Later, I looked at the text records on the website, and found the number listed and asked her who it was. And what she was doing texting so early in the morning. I've got nothing but the run around. It's her sister. But the sister lives in a different town then White Pages lists this number. I must be confused.


 Call the number. If anyone but the sister answers, you know that she was not telling the truth.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

She is having an affair. Maybe the latest in a line. Get a VAR in the car. Say nothing. Gather evidence. Ring that number from a with held number or number that the other person couldn't have been warned about by your wife.

Do it right this time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Pretty easy to verify a couple of the things you mentioned... As others have said, there's any number if ways to verify the phone number. A reverse lookup service would be the least intrusive, calling it from her phone the most. As far as the funeral, my next question to her would have been "Whose funeral?" And then follow up. It's pretty tough to fake a funeral... Verifying that she didn't go would be tougher, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## simpleplan (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. That's a lot more than I expected, and it was all really good. 
The best answer is the hard one, for me. I need to stop asking and start looking into myself for the real answers. I'm a more upfront person, but when I know I'm only going to get lies back, it is really a waste of time. I need to stick to finding the facts.
I don't really think she is having an affair, right now. I think she is trying to be slick, and test the waters just to see how much she can get away with. The total talk time on the number was 50 min for two weeks. And 130 text messages in the same time. Not a huge amount. 
Almost afraid to have the number checked, because if it isn't her sister, and it is one of her friends on FB, I'll have a terrible time not saying anything, to either one of them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

simpleplan said:


> Thanks for the feedback. That's a lot more than I expected, and it was all really good.
> The best answer is the hard one, for me. I need to stop asking and start looking into myself for the real answers. I'm a more upfront person, but when I know I'm only going to get lies back, it is really a waste of time. I need to stick to finding the facts.
> I don't really think she is having an affair, right now. I think she is trying to be slick, and test the waters just to see how much she can get away with. The total talk time on the number was 50 min for two weeks. And 130 text messages in the same time. Not a huge amount.
> Almost afraid to have the number checked, because if it isn't her sister, and it is one of her friends on FB, I'll have a terrible time not saying anything, to either one of them.


hide the var in her car.

In a few days you should have a better picture of what she is up to.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

simpleplan said:


> Almost afraid to have the number checked, because if it isn't her sister, and it is one of her friends on FB, I'll have a terrible time not saying anything, to either one of them.


Afraid. And therein lies the problem, you don't want to know the truth.

And she knows that.

T


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67661-become-spy-catching-them-technology.html


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

TRy said:


> Call the number. If anyone but the sister answers, you know that she was not telling the truth.


:iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has cheated on you previously and you rug sweeped it away. She cheated on you and you moved out while SHE decided what she wanted to do. She never had to be honest with you. She knows that she can cheat on you and you will go into denial and will not do anything anyway. You know she has texted other man while in bed with you.

Your wife has no respect for you since there are never any consequences to her actions. If you do not respect yourself then who will since it is certainly not your wife. You seem very afraid of your wife and she seems to be holding all the cards. I feel very sorry for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are in deniel and your chicks capacity to cheat is there....nothing has changed and she hasn't done a damn thing to affair proof her marriage.

Years ago she had a chance to face her self as an individual and didn't.......


Well at least in my case thats what happened with my old lady 16 years ago. and now here I am dealing with her having been with 20 other men and only now facing her self and dealing with what she has become not only as a wife, mother but also an individual that has lead this type of unhealthy life style at 42 yo.

You may ask how do I know it 20....well she has finally faced her self and with that she made the choice to come clean and own her crap after sleeping around for 13 years....

BTW were 3 years into R...for what thats worth?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't think simpleplan swept in under the rug so many years ago, but his old lady sure did!!!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

OP, your problem doesn't reside with this new set of events, but in your wife's prior affair. the problems you're facing right now is because you never addressed her "supposed" prior infidelity. you rugswept the thing and are now suspicious and resentful of her current behavior/actions. 

i suggest you seek counseling, and finally confront your wife about your belief of a prior affair in that setting. you really need to stop dodging this issue. clearly, it still bothers you enough to mention it as backdrop to your current predicament.


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