# Who is she really...???



## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

I am so glad i found this site and I really hope you guys can help me... My entire world is spinning and I don't know what to do...

Okay guys here it goes... 

My wife and i have been married just under 2 years but were together about 5 before then. 

A few months ago my wife took a vacation with a new co-worker and her friends (all female), who are all single except one who is engaged. Upon her return i noticed a new male facebook friend from who knows where and confronted her about it. She said she is allowed to meet new friends and said I was acting crazy. Not being satisfied i looked at her facebook messages and sure enough there it was.

He looked her up and sent her a message that she is an awesome person and he knows her situation so he would make sure to delete messages. bla.. bla... bla... THEN She told him she had a great time with him too and they definately needed to keep in touch. She said that maybe she could plan another "girls weekend" and they could meet up. Something was also said about mardi gras and she said " well i obvioulsy dont have any issues with showing my tits"...!!!

I also found more message in an app game where they were sending im messages while playing for a few day,, hey sexy.. hey hottie... ya know..

So after the shiz hit the fan the story she told was that she and 2 other girls went back to the guys hotel rooms and when she was walking around checking it out he grabbed her, started kissing her and pushed her in a room locking the door behind him. They were then making out on the bed when someone knocked on the door asking if she was okay. She said she just said yea once but then didnt answer so the girl said she was going to break the door down and picked the lock. My wife said that the guy got up and ran in the bathroom when she was picking the lock and she was lying alone on the bed when she came in. They then left...

She also said she had flashed this guy in the parking lot and then another guy at the bar earlier, which was where the facebook comment came from... again... WTF who is my wife?

A couple days after that we had a fight and she went to her sisters to cool off, where she called the guy she messed with on the trip from her sisters phone... She said she called him to tell him she was working on her marriage and to not contact her again... Later that same night I noticed he facebook friended her again... WTF...!!! She didnt accept but still... WTF...!!! 

She didn't tell me she called him but I saw a text her sister sent her asking if she was going to tell me she called him. WHen i asked her if she called him she said NO.. and started screaming that i was crazy, co i called her sister who told me that my wife did call him and my wife still screamed that she didn't. SHe went to her sisters again and finally admitted to it a couple hours later...

So after a couple more days i was checking in on her on that FU&%ing facebook and i noticed that there was this other guy blocked from seeing any of her pics and other things. SHe had only friended this guy one month before our wedding (which was about when they met at work) and she has to block him...?? she said he was just really flirty and she didn't want him saying anything messed up on facebook. She said he would say things like.. come on you know you want to marry me.. dont marry this guy... ya know.. bla...bla...bla... 

Her sister knows everything so i called her to talk about things and I told her sister about this guy and she then said "I remember that she was telling me there was this cute guy at work but nothing happened" and her sister told her.. WTF are you doing talking like that you are about to get married... Just what i was thinking...

There were a couple other guys blocked from seeing some of her pics mostly the ones with me in them and i know she dated one guy a long time ago so i didnt sweat those but it is hard to tell when she blocked them. 

My wife got fustrated and said she was deleting her FB account and setting up a new one, which she did... and then i found that she had three accounts... She said one must have gotten added as a new account from her phone... she also argued with me that one of the accounts were not hers and finally after a couple of months she acted like she remembered and deleted all account except for the main one... which is fine... Now.. mysteriously there is a new totally blocked FB account with her same name that was never there before...??? I have to wonder don't I...???

A couple months later I noticed some wierd texts from a male co-worker that didn't make sence and it ended up becasue there were some deleted... It ended up this guy gave her a pair of earrings (not real but cheep onoes) and he text her to say they look nice. SHe had taken them off and kept them in the car by the way... To hide them??? Sure looks like it??? SHe said they hurt her ears so she just had to take them off... I asked her if there were deleted text and she said no, then I showed her the cell phone bill and she fessed up saying that he is an old guy and gave them to other co-workers as well...!!! WTF...!!! Is this okay??? In what world???

Okay finally... a couple months ago there has been another different co-worker that has been sending my wife wierd flirty text while they are sitting in a meeting across the table... SHe said it was nothing and he is old and he says wierd things to all the girls... Yesterday he sent her a text during work saying "are you lonely working by your lonelome in the basement"... It wierded me out and we argued about it and she thinks i am crazy and tells me there is nothing to worry about... I am crazy but besides the point... Well TODAY this same sleeze ball text her "where are you... I miss you...???

I really need some help here guys... I honestly tell if i am overreacting or if i need to be. I know some of these things might sound like im being picky but when you look at the picture as a whole wha do you see...???

There has been so many things go on since the main thing she did on her trip and then came home still talking to that guy. I've never been crazy like thsi searching through all her stuff but it feels like every time i look i find something else adn with all kinds of different people. I have a ton of questions to ask but i think i need to hear what everyone has to say first...

Please help me i really do love my wife so much and never thought she was this person but here lately i have been wondering if i really knew who i married...??? It happens a lot from what i can tell...???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's cheating. I don't know what more you need to see.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The one thing you know she's guilty of is not acting like a married woman.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks for the reply but I already know she has cheated i caught her and she admitted it... 

Do you think she is messing around with everyone or at least more has happened than the one thing on the trip she admitted to???


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

Soccerfan... I had told her that same thing many many times... Even if the other things are harmless it is still disrespecting me and our marriage...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, even if she isn't cheating now, one thing comes thru loud and clear: she loves this inappropriate attention she is getting from these scumbags.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You signed up in Aug 2011 and just made your first post a few minutes ago. So you just signed up and posted this. You're a newbie. Take some time to let people post here. While you do, start reading. 

You're wife is out of control. She won't stop. You don't have kids (I presume). You need to leave her. There may not have been penetration on her girls weekend, but there was some serious fun. I doubt that's the only time.

You need to leave her. Now, if possible. Her actions (after 2 years) is as bad as it gets. Not good. Not good at all. Pretty bad actually.

Sorry man. It is A LOT easier without kids involved.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

F-102... I know how do i stop it... Can i stop it... should i try to stop it...??? SHe is remorseful and says she wants to work it out and i do believe she loves me but urrrgggg


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

MrK.. I have been reading for a while adn heard some great things so i finally had to post my situation... I know in my heart of hearts what to do but i also believe in marriage and a fighting chance... 

and waht if all these other things are me overreacting and i ended it....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mr.K is right...she is totally out of control. There's prob a lot more you don't know about. If sshe keeps lying and deceiving you...do you want to stay married? She's not owning anything...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

I need to hear this stuff thanks guys... I am ashamed to tell my family and most my friends i dont want it getting out and of course her friends and family knwo and are very biased so our only opinions are on "her side"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Of course, even if she isn't cheating now, one thing comes thru loud and clear: she loves this inappropriate attention she is getting from these scumbags.


Around here, we call that an attention wh*re..


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

A little edit or more info about my firstpost... She knows that i have been checking her stuff and has been open and okay about it... when this last sleeze ball text her yesterday and today she did actually come home from work and tell me... But she knows i am checking her stuff so did she feel like she HAD to or did she want to...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Get out before she gets pregnant.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a voice recorder and put it in her car. There are a lot. Of red flags here...and men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's probably not ready for married life with you. Better to know now without kids.

And, you cant really make your partner behave when she's not ready or lacks the self-control.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

aug... I have felt that before and asked her over and over if she wants to be married... I mean... if she would leave me becaseu she didn't want to be married i would be mad but i wouldn't hate her for things she did while we were married..

Does anyone tink we have a chance at all? 

This is breaking my heart...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Only time knows if you still have a chance. Only your wife knows if she wants to stop this nonsense.

You can only control yourself. Sucks, but true.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

If you want to remain married to her, you have to set boundaries to protect your marriage. No vacations without you. No Facebook accounts. You get her password to her laptop and cell phone. You monitor all her online, texting, and cellphone activity.

She will say you are trying to control her, and your response is until she re-establishes trust, you must monitor all her activity.

If she does not agree to be completely transparent, you file for divorce. She has to earn your trust. If she does not do this, you have your answer about whether your marriage can be saved.

I advocate trying everything you can before giving up on a marriage. Do not have children until she is willing to commit totally to you. This will be a tough fight, but she needs to know what your requirements are for staying in the marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You have been married only 2 years and she is engaging in this behavior? By the way I do not believe that she told you the whole truth. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you? She seems amazingly immature and has no problems acting and putting herself out there to other men. Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It really sounds like she is sorry...for getting caught.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Atholk said:


> Get out before she gets pregnant.


:iagree:

Absolutely. You dodged a bullet, and run for the hills.

She is being very unfaithful. Probably has been having sex on and off from the beginnig of your marriage with several diferrent guys. The more you look into this the worse it is going to get.

Sorry. This is not the wife you were looking for.

Not a good idea for a wife to be vacationing with single folks IMHO.

Also, why in the world did you keep putting up with this FB stuff?

Anyway, let her go. You will go through withdrawal and get over her. Find someone else.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> aug... I have felt that before and asked her over and over if she wants to be married... I mean... if she would leave me becaseu she didn't want to be married i would be mad but i wouldn't hate her for things she did while we were married..
> 
> Does anyone tink we have a chance at all?
> 
> This is breaking my heart...


This is only the beginning of the heartbreak. Let her go.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> If you want to remain married to her, you have to set boundaries to protect your marriage. No vacations without you. No Facebook accounts. You get her password to her laptop and cell phone. You monitor all her online, texting, and cellphone activity.
> 
> She will say you are trying to control her, and your response is until she re-establishes trust, you must monitor all her activity.


I do now monitor all her stuff and she is suprisingly okay with it... BUT with things today you know there are always "workarounds" I think the other facebook accounts really may have been an accident but with all the other shiz I have to question it... I asked her to not go on vacations without me and she said that is crazy and no way to live...??? I even told her just until she regains my trust but she was hesitant. She keeps saying that i have to trust her and i tell her that she dowsn't just get that she has to earn it back... AND SHE KEEPS LYING. 
She is pretty self-centered, materialistic and selfish but i always knew that and so am i in many ways i could always look past it... It might be biting me in the ass now huh...???


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A wife who truly loves her husband, does everything in her power to always act like a married woman around others because she treasures her husband's trust in her. She does not tolerate other men trying to seduce her and when they attempt to do so, she cuts them down to size as they so richly deserve.

Isn't this what every faithful and loving husband wants from the woman he loves, his wife? Isn't this what you want from the woman you married?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> I do now monitor all her stuff and she is suprisingly okay with it... BUT with things today you know there are always "workarounds" I think the other facebook accounts really may have been an accident but with all the other shiz I have to question it... I asked her to not go on vacations without me and she said that is crazy and no way to live...??? I even told her just until she regains my trust but she was hesitant. She keeps saying that i have to trust her and i tell her that she dowsn't just get that she has to earn it back... AND SHE KEEPS LYING.
> She is pretty self-centered, materialistic and selfish but i always knew that and so am i in many ways i could always look past it... It might be biting me in the ass now huh...???


It is not like you have had ten great years together and she started acting out. This is who she is. She has never been faithful to you.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> A wife who truly loves her husband, does everything in her power to always act like a married woman around others because she treasures her husband's trust in her. She does not tolerate other men trying to seduce her and when they attempt to do so, she cuts them down to size as they so richly deserve.
> 
> Isn't this what every faithful and loving husband wants from the woman he loves, his wife? Isn't this what you want from the woman you married?


Well said... VERY well said and it makes me sad... Not to toot my own horn but we are both very attractive people and I have had many beautiful and sweet girlfriends and been with even more women even to the point of womanizing a little but never tried to hurt anyone purposely (which i feel really guilty about now... young and dumb..) i would never mess with a married woman or even one with a BF 

I have always seen cheaters as such slum and cannot believe she is doing these things...IT BLOWS MY MIND.. I cant sleep, i cant eat i'm currently unemployed adn trying to start my own business but i cant concentrate on anything adn am screwing it up too... If we split up i will loose my house, my wife, my dog... urrrrgggg... I have been so deeply in love with her for so long I don't want to be without her... I think that if she woudl come clean about everything and quit the BS i could cope but I'm getting pretty thin

I guess the only good would be it would truely be a fresh start but i am in such a low state of being i don't know who or what to be... i want it so much for her to be the woman i thought she was and exactly like the woman you described....

Does she really exist...???


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get out now. She is clearly living the life of an easy single girl while lying to you about it all. Get out now, this is not a woman who is able or even wanting to be faithful. Certainly do not have kids with her, and if she does become pregnant insist on a DNA test cause it likely isnt yours. 

How you haven't kicked her out and filled papers is amazing to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Urrrrgggg, do you really truly want to know the gory details? Are you emotionally strong enough to handle the truth from her? If so then you need to create an emotionally safe environment where brutal honesty on her part is not going to be punished with disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts from you. The purpose is for her to feel safe enough to open up to you and share her deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with you - true intimacy. Can you do that?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Do you want to continue in a marriage where you will feel that you have to monitor her 24/7? She has already shown that she wants to do nothing for your peace of mind-it's all about her and her needs alone.

There is one sure fire way to end this: take yourself out of the equation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:

Its odd how they change their tune when you show them the confidence of moving on with out them. Not just words but clear step in distancing your self and planing a exit.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> The purpose is for her to feel safe enough to open up to you and share her deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with you - true intimacy. Can you do that?


Ya know after I read this I thought about it and it would be a cold day in hell when that would/could happen. I know SOME (apparently) things about my wife and I know there is no way that will ever happen with me or with anyone else no matter what the situation. She is very out of touch with herself and who she is and is embarrased to show her real feelings... She is the sae way around her mom and sister too... SHe does have a couple really close friends i think she opens up to but then again maybe not? We have been together for around 7 years now and she still can't let me see her cry. I have to almost fight to get her to let me hold her when she's upset becasue she's embarrased...??? With all teh women ive ever been with this is a first for sure and has always confused me. 

Anyway... I think i would love that if i would know for sure that I would know 100% of everything becaseu i hope to god it isn't as bad as my imagination is. I really think that IF i decide to stay around this is what will have to happen because not really knowing what's going on and all the things i think about is killing me. Even after i heard about it all and couldn't take it I would have so much more respect for her than i do right now...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Urrrrgggg I would then have to conclude with the other posters that you should seriously consider divorcing her and moving on with your life. I know it is easier said and done but I should know, because the day I made the decision to divorce my ex-wife was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Nevertheless, I had to make it for my own sanity and emotional healing despite the enormous love I still had for her.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Do you want to continue in a marriage where you will feel that you have to monitor her 24/7?
> 
> 
> > I think about this side of staying every day believe me...
> ...


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> Ya know after I read this I thought about it and it would be a cold day in hell when that would/could happen. I know SOME (apparently) things about my wife and I know there is no way that will ever happen with me or with anyone else no matter what the situation. She is very out of touch with herself and who she is and is embarrased to show her real feelings... She is the sae way around her mom and sister too... SHe does have a couple really close friends i think she opens up to but then again maybe not? We have been together for around 7 years now and she still can't let me see her cry. I have to almost fight to get her to let me hold her when she's upset becasue she's embarrased...??? With all teh women ive ever been with this is a first for sure and has always confused me.
> 
> Anyway... I think i would love that if i would know for sure that I would know 100% of everything becaseu i hope to god it isn't as bad as my imagination is. I really think that IF i decide to stay around this is what will have to happen because not really knowing what's going on and all the things i think about is killing me. Even after i heard about it all and couldn't take it I would have so much more respect for her than i do right now...


I think you are going through shock and denial right now, but sooner than later you need to accept that your wife is still, and probably has been cheating all along. Some women always have to have a back up plan and she apparently needs many back ups. 

You are reasonably young, short marriage, no kids, best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. If you stay you will have to spend years building a new marriage and from what you've said your wife is still lying, still being un-remorseful and still covering up what she has done. I'm sorry but it's worse than you know more than likely. Your wife is either evil or she has serious issues, but you need to realize that you can NOT fix her, you can't even help her fix herself. Maybe you walking away will allow her to hit her rock bottom. 

Save yourself, you can heal and get past this. The longer you stay in it, the more damage it will do to you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> I wonder if i will ever trust her or ANYONE ever again. All my other girlfriends also cheated in some way and now my wife has too...??? Are all women like ths really or does everyone have one F^*up and it just happens to be with me? Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong type of woman... Probably...


Maybe you should also consider going to individual counseling to find out if this is the case and if it is then how to resolve it.


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## speechless (Aug 26, 2011)

Stop second-guessing yourself! Get out. Get space. If it's a huge mistake and you decide to reconcile later, then you can always reconcile later. But right now... DON'T risk having kids with a woman you don't trust.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay so she saw this thread and got upset and went to her sisters... I talked to her on teh phone and we talked about her moving out. I'm going to try to get some time away from her for a while. We are going back and forth and fighting a lot and something's gotta give. I'm not sure i'm ready to divorce but it is in the cards for sure... Why stay and work on something that's so ****ed up when she acts so mean like I'm the crazy one... She gets so mad when I bring things up and she doesn't even really see how bad she is hurting/hurt me. I know i have been acting crazy and have said some mean things and called her some mean names but i wasn't like this before i found out about all this and honestly she probably deserved some of it...


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

take the people advice here no kids involved this should be so easy for u talk to a lawyer soon and finish her 

u said u re unemployed I don't know much about law but I think if she making more she is the one will lose financially and about the house I saw lot of people here sell the house and split the money together 

the bottom line here u deserve more respect than she giving u now how u can handle all this situations and other men without taking any action


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## speechless (Aug 26, 2011)

At the very least it's a wake up call to her. 

This doesn't have to be the end of the world... but it's the end of her thinking she can continue her destructive behavior.

As far as her "catching you" in this thread... so be it. She knows you're serious. I've had my husband come around after reading something in my journal I had told him many times. It was a bit uncomfortable knowing he read my journal, but it (temporarily) woke him up to his doofosity. 

I guess you can't tune out black and white.


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

How can people that supposably love you can do things that they know hurt you so bad or even destroy you and they can sit there and watch you be destroyed and then do it again? Are they all Psychopaths or what...??? I cannot believe this is my life...


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

sam83 said:


> u said u re unemployed I don't know much about law but I think if she making more she is the one will lose financially and about the house I saw lot of people here sell the house and split the money together


I know i mentioned it but i really could care less about the house or financially. I have always been okay and always will be because I work hard and have the confidence that i will and i could live in a tent for all i care. I want the life i thought i had.. I want my best friend and my lover and my wife back... The wife i thought she was or used to be...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> How can people that supposably love you can do things that they know hurt you so bad or even destroy you and they can sit there and watch you be destroyed and then do it again? Are they all Psychopaths or what...??? I cannot believe this is my life...


Sadly that is often the case.

They may not be true psychopaths but they do learn to compartmentalize as a defense mechanism.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> I know i mentioned it but i really could care less about the house or financially. I have always been okay and always will be because I work hard and have the confidence that i will and i could live in a tent for all i care. I want the life i thought i had.. I want my best friend and my lover and my wife back... The wife i thought she was or used to be...


did u hear about 180 before ??

sometimes leaving and showing them what to lose is the best way to get them back (if u really want to live with what she did to u )

search for the 180 here and try to follow it and see the changes


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you are interested in the 180 degree rules you can click the link underneath my signature.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to find and go on every website you can, and read what the truly remorseful wayward wives---do to make their mge. work

Your wife is nowhere near to being remorseful, contrite or anything else----

She wants to play, but she also wants to keep you in place

Married women don't go off on vacations, with a bunch of singles, when they are just 2 yrs., into a mge., most don't go off w/out their H., at all during a mge., unless its with their kids, and the H. has to work.

That story you told about what went on in that bedroom, with the other guy---is the biggest crock of lies, I have heard in a long time

You seem to have her sister on your side---but if you even want to consider R., and I really have no idea why you would----You MUST set in some very specific boundaries, that have ACTIONABLE consequences---not just words, if she won't do that, then just put D., on the table, which then forcefully puts the ball in her court---and if you ever get back together---make her sign a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause.

She has read this site, so she knows what these sites are about---as one of your requests for R., if you decide to R---Is for her to read on these sites, what TRULY remorseful spouses, actually do, to keep their mge.

Right now all your wife wants to do is to be single, I guess she didn't understand what her vows were all about


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Urrrrgggg said:


> AND SHE KEEPS LYING.


Nothing to add. Just wanted to stress that point.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How old is your wife? She sounds very young. And immature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you should research compulsive/pathological liars

these are people who are very unlikely to change

it's one thing to have one affair and be able to snap out of a fog and realize what havoc you've created (even if it's after the divorce), it's quite another to be a serial cheater


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Do yourself a favor, change the locks. Both mentally and physically. If you want her to really THINK about what she is doing and IF she wants you, you have to let her go. 

It is going to be painful, but being a mess isn't going to make her come around. You have to man up. Be the person she fell in love with and married. 

If, while you were dating and engaged, she had acted this way what would you have done? Just because you put a ring on her finger doesn't mean your response should be different. 

This is unbelievably hard for me because we have kids. I'm modifying my responses because of them which is hurting me more. I seriously think cutting her out and off is the best way to move past this for both of you. If she comes back around then you have something to work on, but only if YOU want to. Best of luck.

GearHead


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Seeking attention from other men, without reservations for your marriage. 
Accepting and participating in physical if not sexual interaction with someone other than your spouse.
Lying.
Stonewalling your husband.
After admitting half truths, CONTINUING to participate and involve yourself with other men.

Dude, see this as a door opening to get away for your own sake.
This is not marriage material. 
Some spouses find themselves in this situation DECADES after being married to someone.
You have but a few years.
Rebuild your life with someone real.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's a classic case where you're married, but she isn't. Don't tell me, was it a big wedding, where all her yenta friends were there so that she could be a princess in front of them? Did she hope that they were all envious of her for landing such a great guy? A lot of women love to get married, but have no intention of BEING married.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

btw I'd add that these 3 F***book accounts require 3 email addresses. Do you have access to them all? She's obviously good at the deceit game...cheaters lie. You've caught her, yes, but not gotten anywhere near to the bottom of it all. More details, more occurrences, yes... but more importantly, you haven't even started to scratch the surface about WHY... why she's seeking all this 'excitement' and willing to lie and deceive you about it. Why she can't/won't be her true emotional self with you, her husband.

If you think you even remotely want to give this a chance, you should start viewing her as an addict. An addict who will do anything to get her fix, who doesn't even understand her addiction or the havoc it is bringing to other lives. 

You also as mori said need to have a real, true, open, transparent, honest, and CALM sit-down talk about the cold, hard reality that your marriage may now be over. You should be asaking her, in this 'safe' environment to talk openly, if she wants to be married or not... Because IF she wants to remain married, the rules have changed; you're not taking it anymore, plain & simple. She changes, totally, to your required boundaries or she's out on her ass. That would begin with getting the full truth, if you want it (careful what you decide you want to hear), becase you have not gotten anything near the full truth of her promiscuity and attention-seeking activities. Full transparency, full access, ALL accounts, cellphone, the whole deal. NC with all men of any questionable ilk in your opinion...

As suggested above, read up and begin immediately the 180. Showing her through every action you undertake that you can and will be moving on without her will show her true colors.

Get yourselves into counseling asap to figure out why she's such an attention wh*re and you've been so willing to accept this adolescent behavior in a life partner. Maybe just maybe there's a glimmer of hope there...although I frankly don't think so.

Good luck in whatever you do; either way I'm sorry but you are now in the club we don't want to belong to, and in for a long hard ride.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

F-102 said:


> was it a big wedding, where all her yenta friends were there so that she could be a princess in front of them? Did she hope that they were all envious of her for landing such a great guy?


TBF, this is true of women who have no plans on cheating- it's a societal thing that has developed over the last 50 years

but I agree that she likes the idea of being married while acting single


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Absolutely. You dodged a bullet, and run for the hills.
> 
> ...


This...

Sometimes in life, you have to make some tough choices. I know it sucks but you have to pull the ripcord on this thing and bail. Your wife is not only cake-eating (enjoying the benefits of the single life while having the stability of marriage) but showing you the bullpen she's using to do it. Think about it; she knows you are monitoring her accounts and that hasn't slowed her down one bit.

Dude, for all that is good, get an attorney on the phone and file the paperwork. Most of us on this board knows what the next move will be if you delay. She will get pregnant to keep you around.

Don't be a sucker. Get out now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> A little edit or more info about my firstpost... She knows that i have been checking her stuff and has been open and okay about it... when this last sleeze ball text her yesterday and today she did actually come home from work and tell me... But she knows i am checking her stuff so did she feel like she HAD to or did she want to...


Dont be so sure she is being open with you. They will hide things and use distraction techniques. My now ex husband had a secret FB account under a different name and so did his OW that they used to continue their relationship. The DS will create a diversion for you to throw you off guard.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

To be frank, I'd ignore all of the advice you're getting on staying with her. It's one thing to get yourself to do a 180. Does anyone honestly think you can get someone ELSE to? And she literally needs a hard 180. From a promiscuous party girl (I avoided using more accurate, if less polite labels) to a loyal devoted monogomous wife? Even a heroin addict can be locked into a closet for a month to get over their addiction. If she's like this now, what happens when her mid-life crisis hits?

You've got to leave. Now. And don't listen to anyone saying SHE has to leave. You control what YOU can control in this situation. You obviously can't make HER do anything.

Get out. Start over.


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> Well said... VERY well said and it makes me sad... Not to toot my own horn but we are both very attractive people and I have had many beautiful and sweet girlfriends and been with even more women even to the point of womanizing a little but never tried to hurt anyone purposely (which i feel really guilty about now... young and dumb..) i would never mess with a married woman or even one with a BF
> 
> I have always seen cheaters as such slum and cannot believe she is doing these things...IT BLOWS MY MIND.. I cant sleep, i cant eat i'm currently unemployed adn trying to start my own business but i cant concentrate on anything adn am screwing it up too... If we split up i will loose my house, my wife, my dog... urrrrgggg... I have been so deeply in love with her for so long I don't want to be without her... I think that if she woudl come clean about everything and quit the BS i could cope but I'm getting pretty thin
> 
> ...


You know, I have been telling myself the exact same thing for a year now. We do have kids and my W did move out to go do these same things. We have been married for 18 years and I have come to have no idea who she is anymore. She seems like a complete stranger to me, yet I have all these great memories that I just can't seem to get past. It's sad to have given and invested so much into someone that just doesn't seem to care anymore. I would say just move on, but I know how hard that is to actually do.


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> Ya know after I read this I thought about it and it would be a cold day in hell when that would/could happen. I know SOME (apparently) things about my wife and I know there is no way that will ever happen with me or with anyone else no matter what the situation. She is very out of touch with herself and who she is and is embarrased to show her real feelings... She is the sae way around her mom and sister too... SHe does have a couple really close friends i think she opens up to but then again maybe not? We have been together for around 7 years now and she still can't let me see her cry. I have to almost fight to get her to let me hold her when she's upset becasue she's embarrased...??? With all teh women ive ever been with this is a first for sure and has always confused me.
> 
> Anyway... I think i would love that if i would know for sure that I would know 100% of everything becaseu i hope to god it isn't as bad as my imagination is. I really think that IF i decide to stay around this is what will have to happen because not really knowing what's going on and all the things i think about is killing me. Even after i heard about it all and couldn't take it I would have so much more respect for her than i do right now...


If I could give you any advice, I would say that you really don't want to know the real truth of what she has been doing from her. Trust me, save yourself from those things. I was the same way and I THOUGHT that I wanted to know the truth and I thought I could handle it. Once you know, you can't go back and those thoughts plague me EVERYDAY. Have you ever heard the song, "I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then"? It is a country song, but it's true. Just trying to save you from what I have live with in my mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MrK said:


> You've got to leave. Now. And don't listen to anyone saying SHE has to leave.


I disagree. Why should he leave? He is the wronged party. She should leave. 

The only thing she may possibly respond to are HARD consequences. And in this case, I would tell her you are done. Mean it. Tell her to leave. File. There is way too much stuff to wade through here. It's not like it was ONE guy. It sounds like there are several and she is a serial cheater.

Oh...and OP--you said she has 3 different FB accounts--that they are "accidents."

They are not "accidents." Her profiles didn't materialize out of thin air.....


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## Urrrrgggg (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks very much for everyone who has replied... Good and bad I want to hear it all and need to. 

I would like to clear up something about the facebook deal. I'm not taking her side on this or defending her but i want everyone to have a clear picture adn after reading my first post i think i might have been a little vauge. So as i was going through her FB stuff i did get ****ty about some old things that went on when we were not together so after a while she said she was just deleting her account and starting a new one. So this new one i knew about and she also told me the passwords and new email associated with the FB account and email account. She never really set up the profile just the account so when she was at work she tried to set it up on her cell phone app (which she aready had adn i knew about) it used her phone number and created a new account or the third account with no email associated with it (as far as i could tell). I told her that she did not have to delete her first and main account because it really is a ***** setting up a profile and she deleted the second one she had established. She said she did not set up the third one but also said it was probably because of the cell app so removed the app but the account stayed. After asking her about thiws account for a couple months she finally "helped" figure it out and we logged in on a computer with her cell phone number and that was it. no email was associated witht he account just a phone number... I have monitored her stuff everyday since the trip deal and from what i saw she never used either account and never downloaded facebook to her phone again. She does still ahve the one account which i look at regularly (probably too regularly) and she is fine with it. One thing she has been through it all is very open and okay about me looking through her stuff...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Facebook issues aside, you have a lot bigger problems than social networking.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. Why should he leave? He is the wronged party. She should leave.


I agree. In THEORY. It's the practice that worries me. Use force? Call the police? That'll get ugly for sure. Pack her stuff up and throw it out the door have her make a scene on the front lawn until the police come and arrest HIM? 

No. Casually pack a bag and leave. No tears, no scene, no explanation.

And this isn't just for Ughhh. It's for everyone that gets that bad piece of advice. Just walk out. Minimal pain and effort.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He shouldn't leave. 

He can file for divorce and stipulate he wants the house, etc. 

He shouldn't have to uproot his entire life because she is carrying on with several different men and cannot tell the truth to save her life.

No way, man!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Run as fast as Carl Lewis


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> He shouldn't leave.
> 
> He can file for divorce and stipulate he wants the house, etc.
> 
> ...


And until all of that happens, he needs to live with the lying *****? No way, man!


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Listen. You will get a myriad of advice from everyone and anyone you speak to about this. Remember that your 'marriage' is unique...the only two people that understand exactly what you have are you and your wife.

I'm 3 months out from discovering my wife's most recent EA/PA, but the reality is that she was a locomotive train of a cheater, and she would not have stopped her affairs until I literally pointed a bazooka at her and pulled the trigger - told our families - confronted the OM - told some friends - told her therapist (b/c she was even lying to him about the depth of the affairs).

Back to my first paragraph. What can you handle? For some, an EA is a deal breaker. For others, a kiss is. For others, like myself . . .well we seem to be able to handle a sh!tload of infidelity from our spouses. It all depends on what your marriage means to you. Most of the advice I got from friends was to GTFO. But in an effort to not be impulsive and run to the nearest lawyer, I took a step back and realized most of these friends are in pretty unhealthy relationships where an affair would probably be the out they were looking for (because they don't have the balls to just end it without some easy out voucher).

For me, my wife does love me, we have a great relationship. . .affectionate . . .caring. Yet she was capable of leading a double life to fill her need for attention (addiction) and compartmentalize like a man typically can.

Is it harsh? Yes. Painful to think about? Yes. But between having young kids and years of good memories, I can't just toss away my marriage and affect my kids for life because of some meaningless sex (in my case, my wife had zero desire to leave me. . . she immediately ended her affair).

All I'm saying is that you will get very good advice on this forum, but you need to also listen to your heart b/c your decisions may ultimately go against the masses - and that is OK. Keep it all in mind.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree

Being one of those guys that can take alot of infidelity crap from my W. Wieght it all out and take the action you need.
Bazooka is what you need sometimes, Again in my case my W wasn't emotional attached so she wanted the change to work on the M.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MrK said:


> And until all of that happens, he needs to live with the lying *****? No way, man!


I just don't see why he should leave. She fvcked up. He didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> I need to hear this stuff thanks guys... I am ashamed to tell my family and most my friends i dont want it getting out and of course her friends and family knwo and are very biased so our only opinions are on "her side"


Totally understandable. I felt the same way with my soon-to-be-ex. Don't be afraid of it getting out. Just be afraid of it getting out on any terms other than your own. I just called my wife's parents this morning to respectfully inform them that I had no choice but to leave their daughter last night due to her straying with another man and repeatedly denying/lying about it and being given many chances to come clean and try to start a road to recovery for our marriage, and that I was sorry to have to give them the news.

I beat her to the punch. Did the same with my folks and a small group of our closest friends. Listen to the wisdom you'll be getting here. Not all of it will be to your liking, or necessarily valid (this is the internet after all), but when you see a pattern form, take it seriously. The people here have been through much...just like you are experiencing.

She's exhibiting massive red flags, pay attention to them. Put a digital VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car under the seat (duct tape and turn on), also in her office if possible (I put mine on the back of the radiator). Put MobileSpy on her phone, or something similar, and do it without her knowing.

Once you find enough to really piss you off, get out.

If you find out there's not much to be concerned about, set up some serious boundaries NOW. But I truly fear you will see and hear things that you don't want to, and you'll be forced to do what I did to save your dignity. Good luck man.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Urrrg,

Every situation is unique. So don't go for the drastic solutions. You may want to let things cool off a bit. Men are supposed to be the leaders in the relationship. Women know this and expect it. You have more control over the situation than you realize.

Another person cannot really know if you love them. They have to see the loving words and actions. Make sure she sees them from you.


 Ask her to come home
 Tell her again that you are hurt by her behavior
 Tell her there will not be any relationship talk for awhile
 Be her dashing romeo, help with the chores too

For your own piece of mind you need to see if she is in an affair, or just selfish and irresponsible. 

 Privately, start a new thread on this forum or another, you'll need the support.
 Privately, Begin snooping in areas you have not checked before
 Put VAR in car
 put GPS tracker in her car
 Keep a journal of her times in and out of the home and her reasons, check the odometer too.
 Put a key logger on the computer. She may have other accounts you don't know about.
 Put mobistealth on her phone
 Search for an affair phone
 Hire a PI, they are expensive, but much cheaper than divorce
 Check phone bills and credit card bills.

 When she comes home from a girls night out give her a big hug, all the while giving her a 'post-night out check':
Smell her for men's cologne.
Check for missing earring's. 
See if the knuckle on her ring finger is red. She may have just put the ring back on. 
Check to see if her clothes are on correctly 
Are her panties on?
Does she head for the shower?
Is she excited to talk about her evening, or does she avoid you.


Remember, you cannot control the actions of others. And, you cannot make someone love you, who does not. So, do not get attached to any particular outcome. You will be okay no matters what happens.

Cypress


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife isn't ready to be a married monogamous woman. She won't give it up. Honestly a newly married woman shouldn't be going on a girls vacation with a gang of single chicks. That's nothing but them getting drunk or high and meeting guys for flings.

Forget the fb stuff, and all the rest. She cheated on vacation and had no problem doing so. She didn't get suduced over a long period or anything else. She went out just like any other single chick looking to hook up and did.

There are so many good women out there that would never do anything like she has, and continues to do. Stop wasting love time and suffering on this one, she isn't willing to be the other part of the marriage you want or deserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amanda s. (Sep 24, 2011)

MY GOODNESS... this woman is absolutely terrible! from your post you sound like an honest, concerned husband, NOT crazy at all. she may let you check all of her stuff but you also said there had been bits deleted. she is as shady as it gets... she wants the attention not only from them but you also. i'm not sure if you give or gave her any positive attention before but if not could she be doing this for any attention from you at all?? 

Honestly, this decision it totally up to you... Think it through well before you decide anything. If you leave now, leave because you can't see yourself going back.. waste of time to leave & come back (been there, done that). Can you live the rest of your life with the things she is doing, whether she changes or not.. you can forgive but you CAN NEVER forget...

Good luck & best wishes for whatever choice you decide is best for YOU...


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Listen. You will get a myriad of advice from everyone and anyone you speak to about this. Remember that your 'marriage' is unique...the only two people that understand exactly what you have are you and your wife.
> 
> I'm 3 months out from discovering my wife's most recent EA/PA, but the reality is that she was a locomotive train of a cheater, and she would not have stopped her affairs until I literally pointed a bazooka at her and pulled the trigger - told our families - confronted the OM - told some friends - told her therapist (b/c she was even lying to him about the depth of the affairs).
> 
> ...


Your relationship is unique?

Listen to your heart?

No offense, but you gave perhaps the worse advise to the OP one could give, and the most unhealthy!

No, your relationship is NOT unqiue!

No, DO NOT listen to your heart....this is why you find yourself in the mess that you are in! The WORSE thing anyone can do is listen to one's heart! Better to listen to your brains!

Past "awesome" experience with a person must NEVER be a reason to stay in a mess.

The OP needs to leave his cheating scumbag wife, and you do to.

WHY?

Because if you don't have trust in your relationship, YOU HAVE NOTHING, ZERO, ZIP. All the great memories, good times, awesome love, awesome sex amount to NOTHING without trust.

So please if you want to be stupid and hang on to your scanky w*****, fine, but don't think that is a good thing for others to do.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Cypress said:


> Urrrg,
> 
> Every situation is unique. So don't go for the drastic solutions. You may want to let things cool off a bit. Men are supposed to be the leaders in the relationship. Women know this and expect it. You have more control over the situation than you realize.
> 
> ...


Nope, you are dead wrong on your premise, that every situation is unqiue. This is the number one error people make, thinking that their marital mess is unique. I assure you, your mess, his mess is about as unique as sand on the beaches of the world.

If one has to jump through all the steps, the checking, the detective work to make sure their wife is not foooking around, then it would be far better to get the hell out and with some self respect. 

What does it say about a man that would take your advice, and the advice of other foools that stay in? It says you lack balls, you lack self-respect, you lack courage, you lack honor, and you think wallowing in the miry sheet with a pig, that is your wife is good? Man up, sprout balls! We teach others how to treat ourselves, and it seems you have taught your pig wife to [email protected] on you time and time again. You don't have a marriage....you have an eeeky disfunctional relationship with a pig because you are too afraid of the unknown.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

OP hasn't posted for a month?


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

You're young, very short marriage and no kids, RUN! This is a snapshot of your life with her. Can you imagine crapola this kids?


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Urrrrgggg said:


> I do now monitor all her stuff and she is suprisingly okay with it... BUT with things today you know there are always "workarounds" I think the other facebook accounts really may have been an accident but with all the other shiz I have to question it... *I asked her to not go on vacations without me and she said that is crazy and no way to live...???* I even told her just until she regains my trust but she was hesitant. She keeps saying that i have to trust her and i tell her that she dowsn't just get that she has to earn it back... AND SHE KEEPS LYING.
> She is pretty self-centered, materialistic and selfish but i always knew that and so am i in many ways i could always look past it... It might be biting me in the ass now huh...???


I don't think you should be asking her not to go on vacations without you, you should be telling her. I'm sorry but she has shown you that she is unable to make rational and safe decisions regarding the sanctity of her marriage and her own safety. She obviously needs some guidance. If this is a deal breaker for her, one has to wonder why, what is so important about her "alone time" that she would risk her marriage for it? 

If you can talk to the gf she went away with, the one who was "picking the lock", she may offer a wealth of information your wife has not shared.

Other advice I would give you is to step back, take a breath, try to collect yourself and use all the techniques recommended here to gather information. Most importantly be patient. She may be comfortable with you checking up on her because she feels she has her tracks covered. 

Have you been tested for STD's, both of you? If not I would highly recommend it.

Remember it can take years to recover from things like this, and often we never truly recover. Please ask yourself what you want out of life, out of marriage. Can you live like this for the next 40+ years? Is she willing to put in the years of hard work and heavy lifting _she_ needs to do to help the marriage recover?

If you think it's confusing and painful now, imagine what it will be like in 10 years with kids. Do you really want that for yourself, for your children? Take time to think about what you need, what you want. Right now it's about you and your needs, not her.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

chapparal said:


> OP hasn't posted for a month?


Crud I went afk during my post. I just hope hes still reading and learning, maybe not logging in?


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