# Please Help me! My wife wants a divorce, but I love her.



## frankie_boy (Oct 20, 2010)

I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about her, I love her more than I knew was possible. I've been with her for 9 1/2 years, 4 of those we've been married. We've been living in my parents house for all that time until I could buy my grandparents house. I bought the house two years after we got married but the house was in need of some restoration which costs a lot of money. We both had work at the time, I work as a Police officer and she's a hair designer. I have always maintained a steady income but sadly she's had trouble with that. I've always supported her in that aspect because it is what she loves to do and if it makes her happy, I'm happy. The thing is that because she's had bad luck with her career choice, I've always been the one saving the money needed for the restoration of the house even before I bought the house i was saving for it. About two months ago we had an argument that she wanted to leave my parents house. She didn't want to stay there anymore because she said she needed her privacy. She wanted to go live in the house even though it still had a lot of work to be done with it and also had no water. I managed to convince her to stay in my parents house and told her I would start working on the house immediately with the money I had saved up to that point. Anyway about a month or so, she had a breakdown and decided she could no longer stay in my parents house and told me she didn't care that the house wasn't ready, that she wanted to live there now. I refused and told her she couldn't do that, I couldn't let her live in those conditions. I told her to wait just a bit more since I had begun the renovation process. She refused to wait and I told her it was either my parents house or she could leave. She left and went back to live with her mother. I begged her not to do this, I begged her to give me just a little bit more time since I was already on my way to continue working on the house. She told me she made up her mind and was going to stick by her decision and she did. When she left, I was heartbroken. She told me she would come back when the house was ready. This really got me upset because all of these years I had been the only one saving money for the house and I never demanded money from her, I knew her situation wasn't the best (she had been through 9 or 10 different jobs earning scraps). Anyway I kept working on the house until I found it suitable for us to live. I decided to call her on Sunday and ask her if she could come on Monday to help me out with a few minor things in the house. I was planing to surprise her that Monday and ask her to bring back her clothes because we were finally moving in together. That Sunday after I asked her to come down on Monday, she asked me if I was getting accostumed to living apart and I told her "More or less". It was a stupid thing to say, I only said it because I was still upset that she had left and all that time I felt her being cold. I didn't mean it. I've been miserable the whole time she'd been living with her mother but I didn't say anything. I tried being cold to her in return. She seemed hurt by this but I didn't back down and then I told her I never told you to leave, you made that choice. That's when she got really upset and told me that she didn't leave, she said that I kicked her out. I told her I gave her a choice and that she opted to leave. She said she didn't want to keep talking and that she had to go, so we said goodbye and hung up. On Monday I waited for her all day to come but she never did. I called her about 6PM asking her why she didn't come. She said she was busy doing other stuff and then I told her that I really needed her to help me and if she wasn't going to come at least she could've called instead of leaving me there waiting. She told me she was upset because of our conversation on Sunday and that she needed time. This got me upset because after i had been working nonstop for a full month trying to get our house ready ( and it finally was) she now needed time. I told her I needed to know what was up with us. She again said she needed time, so we decided to end the conversation there and hung up. Twenty minutes later I receive I text message from her that she was letting me go. I called her back and asked her what was that all about and she said she wanted a divorce. On Tuesday I called her and asked her if we could talk in person about what had happened. She agreed to come by our house to talk but that she had already made up her mind and it wasn't going to change. I waited for her to finish her work and to arrive at our house. She came into the living room but didn't want to see the rest of the house. I asked her I could say something without interrumption because I really needed to say some things. I told her I knew I was wrong in telling her I had grown accostumed to being alone, I tried to act tuff only because I had felt her being cold all that time. I said the truth was that I was misserable without her and that I really missed her enough to go crazy. I begged her forgiveness for my stupid comments and that I regreted saying them and that she was the most important part of my life. Her answer was, I'm still standing by my decision. I was crushed to hear this. She said that her frustration with me was more than the love she felt. I felt my world crush when I heard her say that. I asked her that if she didn't love me anymore all she needed was to look my in the face and tell me and I would accept it as such. She did...she looked me in the eyes and said I don't love you anymore. I couldn't belive she had lost the love she felt for me, I died inside that very moment. I love my wife, I truly do. I hate myself for saying those hurtful things I didn't mean. I need her more than anything but she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Man, i'm going thru the same thing right now. I'm doing a little better now, but my wife just filed for divorce this morning. She said that she no longer had the desire to stay committed to our relationship after years of emotional neglect. I wish I would've just listened all those years instead of being so consumed with my personal agenda. To my credit, several months ago I'd started to make some changes through books and things, thinking that I needed to do something different. Even with the advances that I'd made, she said it was too little, too late. I've been told that when a women checks out, there is usually not much chance of changing her mind. I've also been told that changing yourself is the best way to become attractive again to your spouse. I, too, love my stbxw so deeply as I relocated from Texas to be able to stay with her 11 years ago. I'm sure that there are going to be some difficult days ahead, but I don't have much choice other than to deal with it. I wish you all the best and hope that you still may have a chance as I continue to hold on to the little hope I've got left.


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## frankie_boy (Oct 20, 2010)

Thanks Mark. I too wish you the best. I told her I would accept it if she looked me in the eyes and tell me she didn't love me anymore but I don't know how to let it die without even trying. I love her and wish for a second chance.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Same position as you. Yep, looked me in the eye.... Well, you will probably find there is or was or is someone she is looking at... you are pretty much done... once they have said that, they have sorted their conscience out and feel they are free to do what they want. 

All the best to you. be strong and pray to God.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You want a second chance at what cost?

There are many contributors here that will provide you with methods and models for trying to recover a broken marriage. 

But ... you really need to think about what you are ultimately willing to accept and what your boundaries are.

You indicate that she never invested herself in contributing towards _your future together_. She just expected you to make it happen - for her.

That formula is never going to make either of you happy. If this is simply who she is, and who she will continue to be, is that really the partner that you want?

What if she has cheated? What if while you were busting your a$$, she was off screwing someone else? Still want that second chance?

Many of us here understand the heartache of losing, or having to let go of someone that we planned on building a life together with. But if they don't actively contribute and work with you in sharing that plan - then you need to be able to step outside of your pain and look at what that person truly brought to the relationship.

My point is, despite the heartbreak and pain, some marriages ultimately cannot be, and are not worth saving. You you need to do the work for yourself to determine if that is the case.

I would encourage you to back away from your spouse for the moment. If she is in 'flight' mode, or worse, is emotionally invested in someone else, you barraging her with pleas and tears will only continue to push her away. Find your strength, for yourself - not from her. You should consider enlisting a therapist to help you sort through this minefield of emotions.

Stay strong. Grieve, but do not unnecessarily dwell upon, or feed that grief. Find your feet. Work on moving forward with your life, either with your wife who shares the same goals, or acknowledge that she does not share those same goals, and move on without her.

You will get through this - and you will learn a great deal about yourself, and what you thought you knew about women.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

You didn't say how long you lived in your parent's home. You said it took you two years to buy the house and that you then started saving to renovate it. I got the impression it has been a long time. Were you really actively working toward fixing the house? If it only took you a month to make it livable after she left why did it take you so long to start? She told you how miserable she was in your parent's house. I understand life is busy and everything, but I get the feeling she began to resent the excessive amount of time spent living where she was miserable. 

That's just my perception. I would say to move into your house. Give her some space. Apologize for your part not just in the comment but in the years she was unappy. Offer to work on things. Give her time to forgive. If she'll go, counseling would probably be good for both of you. It does take two...

Good luck!


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## frankie_boy (Oct 20, 2010)

thank you guys for your kind words of encouragement. 
To AWife, We lived with my parents for four years.


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## frankie_boy (Oct 20, 2010)

I haven't had any contact with my wife (other than me constantly checking for her Facebook comments) for 3 days. On Wednesday I sent her a text saying "I was hoping to hear from you. Hope you're okay, I miss you. Good Night". To which she replied "I'm fine! Hope you're feeling the same. How's your family???". It hurts me that she's so casual about it. So today I decided to try one more time. I sent her a text that read "I miss you..." to let her know I'm still here and still think of her. Her reply came an hour later saying "I'm fine...Please don't!!!" Why is she so indifferent? I don't know what to even say to her anymore.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need to do more reading on the site.

Pursuing her simply will NOT work. The more "I miss you" texts you send the worse you make things. It actually convinces her that she's doing the right thing by leaving you, and makes you feel worse ...

So why in the hell would you want to keep doing that?

She isn't going to 'come to her senses', or simply change her mind. She is able to shut you down for one of two reasons, that you seriously need to come to terms with. It is either:

1. She is no longer attracted to you

2. She is involved either physically or emotionally with someone else.


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## frankie_boy (Oct 20, 2010)

it's been a while since I last posted, but I firmly believe in the two reasons in Deejo's last post. I stopped trying to contact her and she never even bother to check up on me and see if I was alright. I'm hurt but I all I want at this point is to get divorced as soon as possible. I'm done, I would love to move forward and find somebody who would appreciate me the way I am.


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## laurelanne (Nov 29, 2010)

So sorry Frankie, it's such a rough day, so many things happening, and people being pulled in so many directions. It really is as God has said, a 'spiritual war" ...and who relaly knows what's up with your wife...could be as said...an affair of some kind, or could be that she's a bit spoiled and now just wants to do her own thing...maybe you did keep her too long in a place she was not happy..or maybe she's again rather spoiled and just expects and expects but doesn't herself have the reality of contributing to the realities it takes gain something in our life.

I really don't think at all that anything you said was the cause...it was already happening which means any apologies were pointless and still are...what she's saying is she doesn't want to made to have to feel the feelings of the sadness of what she's now done or the guilt...

I just get a hint that there's something about her...a bit of immaturity or being spoiled. but then are you sure you havn't been sorta lazy and dragging things out and making her tolerate for long time when it's not really substantiated? 

Well in either case, your best bet is to go your own way and not plead and beg or even show that you are....it's a common thing that you will be respected more, looked up to more...if you show that you can and will stand on your own and with fortitude...in other words....she thinks right now that she can have you back at the snap of her fingers and that you are just waiting. In this situation...don't. It will only give you more pain.

It's always devestating...and it is...but, in the long run...it IS very very possible to actually really truly deeply Love again and also possible to be Loved in a way you have not been! And in this up the road perspective...in such a day...you might even be thankful that you found someone who truly loved you enough to endure things with you and for you...and also help you!

So Realize that your life is still worth the living...new life will come...it always does. Leave the choices to her vs. thinking that maybe you could do this or maybe you could do that....

Let her have her own world...give her lots of time! It can take women a lot of time to See reality....not all but some. She may never come back but in the meantime you can work on valuing yourself...your own talents, desires that you could achieve in life...and enjoy some friends...and learn to love your self and your life again....because you do still have one and a future.


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

I have heard this advice of laurelanne's so many times and from so many people since April and I believe it to be true. Problem is it is easier said than done. I so wish I could find something that would begin to take me in the right direction, whatever that is. I feel as though I am adrift at sea and the beacon that guided me is gone. I can get over the side and paddle, but in which direction do I go and why? I was, and am still, so committed to my one destination that there is nothing else on the radar. I had the best wife in the world and she is gone - why should I accept anything less and how does one sift through the emotion and the trauma to make such important decisions? Whilst I'm treading water and all these thoughts are racing through my mind, I am getting more tired and less able to rationalise anything. It seems to be a downward spiral.


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## lost_man (Dec 27, 2011)

H Guys,

I am also going throught he same ,My Wife has filed the Divorce,
I luved my wife so much ,
but she dnt think so , she feel that i am just cheating on her,
there is defiantly break of trust between us , But i still luv her , 
All th night i cried for her , i triy to msg her talk to her but she dnt respond,
she feel i am just doing acting to get her back, but she dnt know the truth ,
I am in so much pain, my life became so bad, When i look int the stuff bought by us i just start crying it is so painful.

Ash


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think this is kind of a lesson here and one that statistics seem to be playing out with marriage on the decline.

A wife and family are an expensive proposition for a guy. Who can afford a house that goes along with it, the taxes, utilities, insurance. . .let the 1% have 100 wives, instead of the 99% have 99 wives.

Women want their picket fence and white house (rightfully so. . .and what's wrong with that?). The 99% can't afford that now. . .so. . .wouldn't it make more sense to let the 1% have 100 beautiful wives/concubines?

Wouldn't the GOP support this?


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## new12345 (Jul 23, 2012)

My wife hates me too. 1 year since marriage. What to do?

Everybody says dont put pressure on her, give her time. I know thats the way, but I cant help it. I feel if I leave her alone, she'll start seeing someone else and she'll forget me.


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## LisaHarris99 (Nov 2, 2012)

Alex did you try "Save My Marriage Today" by Amy Waterman? How do it work out for you?


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

I am struggling with the same issues that many of you have indicated on this site. 33 years of marriage with the woman that I decided to dance with many years ago. 
It is amazing how jealousy can control a person's thoughts and life. My wife has thought that I have had extra maritial affairs our whole marriage - actually, I had one that I admitted and admitted it was my fault. Lasted one month with no infidelity. I will not get into the reasons iit happened, however, suffice to say - I WAS WRONG! My wife (supposedly) forgave me. But I found out 11 years later that she did not forgive me. 
Currently served divorce papers with accusations of sex with multiple partners among other lies.
My struggle - I love this woman dearly and never anticipated my life without her. I cry evetyday and, even though she hates my guts now, I still cry over the loss of what I thought I would never lose. I know I am in the financial battle of my life.
The most fortunate thing I have is family all around me and my daughters who live close to me (wife in different state).
Yes - I am hurting and going through the most intense grief I have ever experienced. My beam of light is God and the scriptures - for if that was not available to me ... I could not survive. 
I do not know if I can be of any help or inspiration to anyone on this site since I feel weak and lost. Many tell me how strong I need to be - while I understand this - I still need to deal with what is inside me. I am actually tearing as I write this and I am sorty this post is long. If you hung in this long - thank you and God Bless You!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You really didn't know she hasn't forgiven you?

Difficult to tell if this is a chicken or egg thing. People have been known to take many years to finally decide they couldn't get over being cheated on. That's not unusual. 

But the accusations that you maintain are unfounded are different.

Does she have any mental illnesses?


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

Mental ilness? Actually my kids believe something has flipped in her mind. She holds a job and seems to be OK, however, she has seen psychiatrists for many years. It is hard to pin that one down - but, I do believe something may have snapped in her. 
I believe in forgiveness and unconditional love. This is what is hurting me so much. 

Thank you for responding!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Unconditional love does not exist except between parent and child and eventhen it isn't guaranteed.

You didn't love her very much when you were cheating on her.

So your kids are older, she can make it on her own, she never forgave...

Or she is projecting and has been cheating on you over the years to get you back. Or you are not a very transparent person and she can't trust you because of things you continue to do or she became paranoid after your affair and didn't get the kind of help she really needed or...

Ask her to please share at least some of the evidence against you. It might help you understand what she is dealing with.

Did she file I the grounds of adultery? Or was it cruelty?

You must fight for a fair settlement and not try to nice her by being generous. You can always be generous after the divorce if you like but if she is using these things to eek out more bucks from you it is wrong and must not be rewarded.

Tell me you understand that please.

I think it sucks that you ever cheated on her but if she is using lies she knows are lies then you must not accept it without a fight.


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

Yes - agree that it was my fault on the "cheating" however, she also told me twice back then she wanted to divorce me (hard to explain details because they are pretty involved). However, regarding her pending charges: 1. Adultry 2. Domestic violence 3. Abondonment 4. Spending money without her knowledge

I will have to fight every charge and there is absolutely zero evidence of any of these charges. Reason she has gone to that extent (of charges) is because she wants more than her fair share of alomony. I already have hired attorneys 2 different attorneys in 2 states and I see the only winners in our divorce will be the attorneys. 

Having said all that - amazing that I still have Love for her. I only remembered the good times going back and only projected the future good times going forward. In reality, I sunk my head in the sand on the types of things she criticized me with and quickly forgot them. This is what I am trying to work on - in fact, a very smart person told me that she emotionally abused me - I do believe theu are on to something.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Good on the lawyers.

Fight against the wrong that is being done to you. 

I hope you are not talking to Herr and certainly not being or pleading.


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

She cut off communication to me and all my family members about 2 months ago. I did plea for many months before it got serious. Not talking anymore and no communication. 

Just wish I was stronger within myself. I found this forum as I searched on "love my wife but she wants a divorce." I know there is no going back and I also know that both my daughters are ready and willing to stand up on my behalf - that says a lot. 

Thank you for listening and responding - I really appreciate it!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How are you doing? Eating, sleeping, exercising?


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

Not sleeping well - exercising yes. Prob about 25# overweight - shed 14 of those 25. Not an alcoholic - but love my beer. Have not had a beer in about one month. No desire to drink because I know that I will get sentimental and try to email her or contact her - so - I am staying away for sure! 

Get lonely and depressed in the silence of my own place, however, as mentioned before, there are a lot of family and friends around as a "pick-me-up." I have not become a 100% introvert - prob more like 80% at this stage.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

okay well keep working on getting physically fit. make sure you are eating right. Work out until you're good and tired. Even if you don't sleep a full night if you sleep soundly you're doing pretty well. 

in a way you are lucky about being no contact because you won't keep looping back and forth with her. So you are in healing mode. that's good. You have no idea how difficult it is to try to help people when they keep talking to the soon to be ex. 

you are Christian. Are you attending church? do you have a group of friends there? I know you won't always feel social but it's helpful if you get out and start doing things you wanted to do for a long time but hadn't gotten around to. 

might be a good time to take up a hobby. And she's going to be going after your buckaroos and you might as well spend a little bit of that on something you're interested in. it might exacerbate her claim 20 that you are spending money without her permission. So I have to ask you is that all true? big ticket items? gambling? 

if there's absolutely no truth to it and you have good financial records will be able to fight her. if there's any truth to it then ignore that last piece of advice. 

that said there's nothing wrong with selling some stuff that you don't use to fund something fun and interesting that will occupy you. lot of guys your age get into buying motorcycles or golf or astronomy or photography. 

since you resurrected a zombie thread you might want to start a new thread of your own with a title of your own. you'll probably get a lot more people participating. There a lot of guys here who's been through what you've been through or been through similar things. They will help you get your mojo back. 

And if they give you a lot of advice telling you to go out and get laid then I'll be here to smack them around.


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

Funny!

Thanks for the advice - not really sure how this works - maybe I should start a new thread. 

I did join a catholic divorce support group at church - it helps but cannot really get to the nitty gritty of what is going on. Do need to get more involved with church and church activities.

None of her claims are true - total perception on her part. I have been fighting justifying myself for many years. Have some records of spending that disprove her claims but most are with her in the house we both own title to. Not much equity. We are both restarined from each other.

Needed to get this off my chest and, again, I thank you big time!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

okay well then shut your lawyer on getting it those records. You are legally entitled to them not to mention they're also your property. 

question. why is she in the house and you are not? 

you got to work on that pal. unless there is a court order or an agreement that's your house. and if there is documentation there that support you you need to have it. That's not something to fool around with .


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

I Moved back to our home state over 1 &1/2 years ago for a job. She did not want to move back. Suspected that I have a girlfriend - which I don't. So, she teamed up with her 3 friends who want her to stay and conjured up the divorce. 
I did get into the house 3rd week of September and took many things I wanted, however, did not get all the paperwork necessary for complete justification. Next time I go back is for a court date. Sucks!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

well you're going to need to get back there and get the rest of your documents. 

really wasn't too bright though to leave your family for a job. 

I'm not sure that her conclusion was completely off base. not saying that it was based in fact but it's a reasonable guess that one a man is willing to leave his family for a job that there is often someone else.


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## Oceanreef (Oct 25, 2014)

Didn't leave my family - was sinking in debt and out-of-state job was going nowhere. Took a new job back in the state where my daughter's and whole family (even her side) lives. 

True - I cannot blame her for not wanting to move back to her home state where her family and friends she grew up with are. I have to let her go on that and respect her for living where she wants to and making a new life where she desires.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Oops, just noticed original post is ancient. Comment deleted.


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