# Getting 4 yr old out of our bedroom



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Any tips from anyone who allowed your children to sleep in the room with you and now would like to move them out.
We have two kids, 7 and 4. Our eldest had a hard time for awhile, and was very attached to my wife and sleeping in the bed with us (really her). After fighting with the both of them about it for years, I finally got the eldest out and sleeping in her own room. But that was only about a year and a half ago. 
I'm still having a hard time convincing my youngest and her mother to do the same. We have a small place, so she would share a room with her sister. They actually have bunk beds, and the room is very girly and nice to be in. But she still wants to sleep by her mother. Its essentially a crib that's right next to our bed. 
I'd love to move her out into her own room and finally get rid of that massive crib - but nothing I've tried has worked. 
I let her fall asleep in our room, then move her after she's sleeping. She wakes up later and just cries and walks into our room. I've tried having her fall asleep in her own bed, and she does the same thing later. 
I'm almost feel like giving up and just hoping once she'll do it on her own once she is older. 
Any advice would be great.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Keep trying, you could put a gate up and when she cries put her back in bed. I coslept with both my kids, took me a while to get my son out, finally letting him sleep with his sister helped because he just didn't want to be alone. You could try that. Also could get one of those kid tents to put up in the girls room n see if making it fun will work the first couple nights. Ultimately your wife is going to have to help and be firm with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Too late for you but the best way to deal with thisnis to not start down this road at all.

I bet your sex life is great. Amazing that you had the four year old at all ...

Not trying to be mean.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The problem is with the mother. As long as she's NOT okay with it neither will the child. Mom holds the key to this battle.

My youngest slept with us (not my choice - it just happened despite all my swearing that I'd NEVER let a kid sleep with us). It was either move the crib in our bedroom or not sleep. I chose the crib in our room. 

By the time she was 3 I was easily able to talk her into sharing a bunk bed with her 6 year old sister. By 6 she was in her own room. Not a big deal but both my husband and I were 100% on board with this. A must to get kids out of your bedroom I think.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Too late for you but the best way to deal with thisnis to not start down this road at all.
> 
> I bet your sex life is great. Amazing that you had the four year old at all ...
> 
> Not trying to be mean.


It happens sometimes. I swore I'd never let a kid sleep with me and here came #3 and she wouldn't sleep anywhere BUT with us.

Those few years our play room got a lot of 'play'. We just snuck out after she was asleep. A pain sometimes yes but it was only for a few years. She's now happily in her own room and those years are all but a blur now.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

We have a 2 and 3 year old who have both shared our bed at different times.

Before you make any progress, your wife has to be on board 100%. I am guessing she does not feel the same way that you do or likely this would be resolved by now. You are not going to get anywhere without being a united front and without HER 100% commitment ans belief in what you are doing. Kids can sense weakness and will prey on it. Seriously.

If you are both on board with this, it will involve some tough nights for about a week of consistently leading then back to their room and hearing crying and tantrums. But it can be done.

Personally? DH and I have met at middle ground. My oldest child has always been a horrible sleeper, suffers from night terrors and sleep walking. He goes to sleep in his own bed but usually ends up in our bed around 3:00am or so. We have both made a choice not to fight this for now...mostly because our life is so crazy that we live by the rule - whatever gets everyone the most sleep. My son is old enough to get into bed without disturbing either one of us so often we wake up in the morning not knowing when he came in.

Someone mentioned sex - we make it work. In our case we always have from about 9:00p - 3:00a by ourselves. 

My husband is a bit weird in that he actually enjoys co sleeping with the kids. He always has. I was the one who had to fight for the getting them in their own beds because I am a light sleeper and was losing sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> It happens sometimes. I swore I'd never let a kid sleep with me and here came #3 and she wouldn't sleep anywhere BUT with us.
> 
> Those few years our play room got a lot of 'play'. We just snuck out after she was asleep. A pain sometimes yes but it was only for a few years. She's now happily in her own room and those years are all but a blur now.


I raised two daughters so I know the drill. But in hindsight we handled it very well.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

kag123 said:


> We have a 2 and 3 year old who have both shared our bed at different times.
> 
> Before you make any progress, your wife has to be on board 100%. I am guessing she does not feel the same way that you do or likely this would be resolved by now. You are not going to get anywhere without being a united front and without HER 100% commitment ans belief in what you are doing. Kids can sense weakness and will prey on it. Seriously.
> 
> ...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Get them bigger beds in their own rooms and bed down with them, when they're asleep move to your own bed. 

Sure there will be mornings when you wake up crowded but for the most part they will feel secure in their own places. You can also get a big bed and let the kids bed down together. In a lot of cultures this is pretty common, if they're opposite genders you can separate them in a couple years no biggie.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Let her cry herself to sleep for a few days until she realizes her tears won`t get her what she wants.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex husband was the culprit for kids in our bed. I moved the first one out (age 4) a little bit at a time. I made him a "squishy bed" on the floor beside our bed. It included a folded up blanket for padding, and an awesome Ninja Turtle sleeping bag.... cuz who wouldn't want to sleep in that?? 

In about a period of a week or so I moved that "squishy bed" bit by bit to the door and to the hallway, to his door...lol and eventually I think he just figured it out that his bed is RIGHT THERE.  Worked for me.... till ex let another kid in the bed.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> My ex husband was the culprit for kids in our bed. I moved the first one out (age 4) a little bit at a time. I made him a "squishy bed" on the floor beside our bed. It included a folded up blanket for padding, and an awesome Ninja Turtle sleeping bag.... cuz who wouldn't want to sleep in that??
> 
> In about a period of a week or so I moved that "squishy bed" bit by bit to the door and to the hallway, to his door...lol and eventually I think he just figured it out that his bed is RIGHT THERE.  Worked for me.... till ex let another kid in the bed.


LMAO

This is exactly how I potty train a new puppy.
Put the paper where he pees then slowly move the paper towards the door over the course of a week or more until he starts going to the door to pee.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ever heard of the 'family bed' concept? 

I never minded my kids sleeping with me. I was a single mom till the youngest was 3 and I met hubby and he started staying over. I just put a bed in the basement where we'd go after they fell asleep in my bed  When we moved in together I'd move whoever was in there out after they fell asleep if we wanted to make love. My daughter usually woke up and came back at some point. Then we moved again and she got her own room and slept in there fine for the most part after that. Although she'd still end up in with us sometimes. The boys too, especially if they had a bad dream. My daughter even used to end up in our room into her teens - she'd bring blankets and lay on the floor beside me and I'd wake up and find her there. It was something she needed to do.

Anyway, my philosophy is that kids get an important need filled by having their parents accessible to them at night if they need it, and that when they're ready they'll move into their own bed/room. It's only in recent times that people insist their children sleep in separate rooms. Traditionally, families slept together all in one big room!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Traditionally, families slept together all in one big room!


Yeah but that wasn`t by choice, trust me.

That was because all they had was one big room they all slept in and ate in and did everything in.
When it rained they brought the goats in too.

I bet there was serious sexual disfunction within marriages back then.

I usually just let the little one crash in our bed then carried her to her room.

When she got too big to be carrying around a darkened toy littered house at night I started waking her up to go to her own room.

She got tired of that pretty quick and started sleeping in her own without trouble.

Honestly my wife was the biggest problem as she simply cannot set boundaries for the kids.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hope, I have to agree with Tac. Yours is the typical co-sleeping argument, but there is one thing missing...the marital relationship.

It's sacrificed to the children, which I don't think is good for a family. That's just me, obvs. C',mon, I can't be the only person who occasionally has hot monkey love in the middle of the night...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Believe me, our 'marital relationships' didn't suffer at all  Logistically it requires some creativity, and yeah, middle of the night nookie can't be done unless you're willing to get up and use another venue.

I did crying it out with my boys and it pretty much broke my heart, and theirs. I know it's what most people do, but I just can't agree it's always for the best.

Cosleeping is a personal choice I would never _tell _anyone to do - I'm just presenting another angle.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

This reminds me of my oldest son, he would come into our bed every night, probably around 1am or so, then he hit puberty and wham, he never came in again. But, what a bad mistake it is letting your kids come into bed with you if you're really not wanting it, but just really need your sleep. 

I would keep bringing your child back to their bed, it will be exausting for a few days or a week, but eventually they will get the message. With my youngest, I used to have to lie down with him every night until he fell asleep (he's 4). So, what I did, was put him into bed, and tell him that I would come back and check on him in a few min. I kept doing this til he fell asleep. It only took a few nights.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

It's very hard to break the habit once it is set but you have to stick to your guns and just keep putting her back in bed. Don't get angry or hostile though because you don't want to associate it with punishment or make it more of a traumatic experience. If she is with her sister though I would think it would help the transition (big girls together) but you also don't want to have it interfere with your oldest's ability to get a good night's sleep. Offer rewards, make it fun... kind of like using m&m's or piggy bank $ for potty training.

However... all of those ideas are essentially irrelevant if your wife isn't on board with the move. Maybe that is where you should begin your quest? Why is she against the idea?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

effess said:


> Any tips from anyone who allowed your children to sleep in the room with you and now would like to move them out.
> We have two kids, 7 and 4. Our eldest had a hard time for awhile, and was very attached to my wife and sleeping in the bed with us (really her). After fighting with the both of them about it for years, I finally got the eldest out and sleeping in her own room. But that was only about a year and a half ago.
> I'm still having a hard time convincing my youngest and her mother to do the same. We have a small place, so she would share a room with her sister. They actually have bunk beds, and the room is very girly and nice to be in. But she still wants to sleep by her mother. Its essentially a crib that's right next to our bed.
> I'd love to move her out into her own room and finally get rid of that massive crib - but nothing I've tried has worked.
> ...



I'm not the crunchiest of parents out there but this is one area where I always have to sigh (not at you just in general). Children have a fragile ego when it comes to security and a sense of protection from their parents. I'm not saying to stop trying to get her to sleep in her own bed but to ease your way to it. Don't make a big deal of her coming back in. It sounds like she is side car with a crib (as in sleeps in a crib beside the bed with one rail down and the crib up against the bed). Hey, that's better than my 5 yr old...he's right in the bed.

I've always co-slept my kids (even saving the life of the two youngest - particularly the youngest. He was sent home on a heart\apnea monitor and the monitor NEVER caught episodes - I did from a dead sleep).

I truly believe in alternative methods from CIO (cry it out). Have you tried reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child’s Sleep: Foreword by Dr. Harvey Karp: Amazon.ca: Elizabeth Pantley: Books

It's a lot of work but I know plenty of parents who have succeeded with this method and stayed successful with it.

Not judging, I'm the last to judge but I do admit it's a sore spot for me. I get crapped on about co-sleeping all the time so I know how it would and does feel to be judged. My oldest out grew co-sleeping on his own at about the same age your oldest did naturally by the way, so did my oldest daughter, middle child and my youngest daughter is weening (mostly in her bed now, some rare nights she'll crawl in at 3 am) now. The youngest can go longer bouts every night (he's 5) as we progress further along. He's starting to out grow co sleeping now too!


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Wife isn't on board cause she says its easier to tend to her when they are in the same room instead of having to get up and go to another room a bunch of times a night.
I've often described my wife as the type who'd rather walk over million hills than climb one mountain. this issue illustrates that.
Ironically she always talks about how tired she is.........


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This is all scary to read, as hubby and I let our baby (8 weeks old already! Dang!) Sleep in bed with us, but only after her 4am feeding. I realize she's still very young, but this thread has me wanting to move her crib into the spare room ASAP. :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

It sounds like you have more of a problem getting her to sleep in her own room because your wife still wants her to sleep with her. You need to be on the same page with this with your wife. 

I think the key to this is to do it slowly. You have to wean them (so to speak) off of sleeping in your room. With my son I started with every weekend and gradually have it to where he sleeps in his own bed 5 days a week now. This is where I am comfortable at and it will stay until I feel he is too old to sleep with me at all. 

But like I said, I weaned my son out of sleeping with me every night. I also had a talk with him about being a big boy and doing big boy things. So he knew ahead of time that he was sleeping in his room for the night and not my own. But until you and your wife are on the same page you are going to have a much harder time of it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Step 1 has nothing to do with your kid. It is to get your wife on board with the idea.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I can understand how your wife might worry about the child being afraid but some things that are helping us is nightlights in the kids's rooms, some music boxes, a tv (yes they have a tv) and of course they do each have a tent and toys. Making their room as interesting as possible does help in getting them used to sleeping in their own rooms rather then with mommy and daddy. Our son unfortunately had been used to sleeping with mommy and daddy for his entire two years (due to having to sharing one room) so he's having a bit of a tougher time but he's been comming to the room less and less. Both parties on board helps along with consistency.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

This is something that has helped hubby and I. For our son.. we have to do the rubber band bounce. 


The night visitor: Trips to the parent’s bed


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Maybe try offering rewards? That always worked for my kids. I would give them a jar and each night they spent in their own bed I would give them a little colored stone in their jar. I started out with after two stones you get a prize and gradually increased the amount of stones needed to get your prize.

It was usually never anything that cost me money either. I leaned more towards a favorite dinner, dessert of their choice, and extra trip to the playground etc.

I am actually sad now that my 4 year old doesn't sneak into my room anymore though! I am doubting my daughter will ever sleep in my bed because she totally likes having her own space!

If any of this post is lacking "sense" it is because all 3 of mine are talking to each other right now while I try and type


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## Mmommy1 (Jun 1, 2012)

Start by making her fall asleep in her own bed ...and when we comes in during the night you need to keep putting her back in her bed everytime she wakes up. It might be a week of no sleep, but eventually you have to stick with it and she will stay where she belongs. She will learn quickly that her bed is where she needs to sleep...sounds like your wife doesnt mind her in with you guys, so the crying that will take place may affect her emotionally, but be strong and hold your ground!


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