# jealousy



## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

Anyone else get an extreme case of jealousy when there wife goes out with the girls, to clubs etc

dont get me wrong i trust her,but after the kids are asleep its a night of what ifs,whats going on,whats the next day hold etc

stupid really as i trust her anyway,shes never cheated. I havent gone to a nightclub in ages as, well im married,i see no need,but she likes to dance so i understand this really, but it grates me sh$tl%ss that other men will be cracking onto her, theres no point approaching it and saying you cant go there,your walking a fine line trying to lay down a law!

Just curious how others deal with it, just saying grates lol

plus recently our marriage has been less than perfect due to situation,money etc. so its even worse probably tonight lol.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Jealous or not, I dont think a wife should be going out dancing and clubbing without her husband. It's great you trust her, but I think trouble is around the corner. Oh by the way I am extremely jealous to the point it's a sickness.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What's the point of jealousy? Either you have one you can trust or you don't. Worrying yourself sick will only give you ulcers and sleepless nights. If you're being a great husband and your woman cheats, you didn't need her in the first place and you're better off without her. 
My wife isn't into dancing but if she were, I have legs and feet. Why should she need to find another partner when she's got a perfectly acceptable one? I assume other guys are going to talk trash to my wife. The best rap she's ever going to hear comes from me. Point is, my wife doesn't drag a low self-esteem to a club and wait around for some stranger to compliment her or show her attention. She gets more than she can stand at home. I've had 12 years to figure out what she likes. If some stranger can spend 30 minutes with her in a bar and beat me out, then one of two things are happening; either she's a disloyal heifer I don't need or I haven't been doing my job as a husband and I don't deserve her.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

solvency7 said:


> dont get me wrong i trust her,but after the kids are asleep its a night of what ifs,whats going on,whats the next day hold etc


That's your idea of trust?


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

no its my idea of the green eyed monster, this is my point. trust isnt the issue,its paranoia


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah, but that's kinda splitting hairs, man. I mean you're paranoid cuz there's a lack of trust. Maybe not directly with _her_ per se, but the machine of the girl's going out dancing together.

Personally, I don't think going out dancing without you is a good idea. Why? Because you're married. You know what goes on at dance clubs, man. We all do. It's not like the girls are going out for sushi and some rice wine, then making it home by 10pm.

Nope. They're out acting like single chicks on a dance floor and the dudes that are there WILL hit on her. It's the machine. It doesn't stop just cuz it's YOUR wife out there on the dance floor.

Your relationship is strained right now as you say, and where is she?

Out partying with the girls.

I don't think that's cool.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

i know where your coming from,but on occasions people need a break,shes always done it anyway,even her mum does it lol, and her friends are all married with kids also. The one thing i guess what makes me twitchy is we havent sex in a month and a half,probably the only reason im more green eyed today lol


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oh, hell, brother...I totally get it. My wife goes out for dinner with some of her friends every other month or so. I ride with a motorcycle club and go to an event every week or two. We all need a little space. I get that.

The only thing is what is appropriate. I mean, for me - I don't approve of my wife going dancing. Dinner...a movie...that's fine. 

It's all in what you and your wife have set up with boundaries. I mean as long as you're both fully on board with what acceptable behavior is, then really that's all that matters. But, when you throw in marital issues and no sex in a month AND she's going out dancing. Well, bro - you gotta say something right quick.

Again, your wife may be out just having fun with her friends. But I can guarantee you with every ounce of my being, there are gonna be dudes hitting on her. I mean, guys don't go to dance clubs to dance.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

From a womans perspective you shouldn't worry! The last thing I want to do at a club is flirt or talk to guys. Even when I was single I was only interested in dancing with my friends. Sure I'd be polite to a guy if he bought me a drink but as a married woman I just tell them that and they're fine with it. Most guys are very respectful.

Women just love to dance!!


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Well this depends on the woman. Is she going out with other married women, or is she going out with her single friends? Let's be honest here- Singles will encourage her to play, whereas married women will effectively be each others moral compasses.. to a point.

I've found that jealousy is a jedi-like almost mystical emotion. At times, it can twinge upon the least amount of physical (and cerebral) evidence, and be entirely correct- that something is going on. At other times, it can scream at you from false positives. Everyone has it, yet some people are able to control their jealousy, while others become victims of it.

My whole point is that if you are feeling twinges of jealousy and "what if's", then there's probably a reason. It could be something in your wife's mannerisms before she leaves or after she gets home.. you may be picking up on it on more of a subconscious level than conscious. 

Start the testing man. See if she will kiss you when she gets home. Not a peck, but a deep kiss. Or if she will have sex. If she gets paniked, or angry, then you might have cause to worry. Does she fuss too much over getting dolled up before she goes? Does the idea of sex just before she leaves end in 'no' every time? A lot of the above is designed to see if she's sleeping around or not.

Other, less obvious stuff would be like I mentioned- who shes going out with. Where she goes. How up-front she is (too up-front?). Is she totally against you going with her (getting a babysitter)? If you talk to her about your concerns or jealousy, is she dismissive about it (not giving your concerns any credibility)?

There's a ton of red flags to be seen if you can push aside the jealousy and approach them with clear vision, but if you let jealousy control you, you will find yourself jumping at shadows and jumping to conclusions that may not be accurate.

I do think from the little bit you've said so far, that you may have reason to be concerned. Please give more details about it if you can- how long does she take to get ready, how dolled up, who she goes with, where, etc...


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

solvency7 said:


> i trust her anyway,shes never cheated.


Does anyone really know? Women are stellar at keeping secrets. IME only the most guilt-ridden women seem to ever come forward. The majority can excuse the guilt and move on like it never happened, and never once in their lives ever mention it again. Just saying... I know once that I was cheated on, and even 15 years later, and we've both moved on, she still wouldn't admit it to a soul.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Thound said:


> Jealous or not, I dont think a wife should be going out dancing and clubbing without her husband. It's great you trust her, but I think trouble is around the corner. Oh by the way I am extremely jealous to the point it's a sickness.


:smthumbup: Full disclosure. Good job.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

There is a difference between going out with the girls to talk about purses (stereotypes anyone?  ) and the drama at the office - and at home - and having a drink and 'clubbing' and butt grinding on the dance floor. "cracking onto her"? sorry - I'm not down with that and you should say so.

Solvency - I think you are exactly right in your observation that the stress of finances and home life can magnify things like this. When you now how hard it is for both you and her - its not a big step to start seeing going out as escapism - especially if she is dirty dancing. No need for that.

Talk to her. I dont think you need 'dealing with it' strategies. You need to talk and make sure you are both on the same page. Reassure yourself that you are both still a team. She may need this too. She ma also need to be tod what isnt acceptible.

Everyone needs to blow off steam and have fun - but when you start looking outside the marriage for fun - you will of course find it. Then.... you run the rist of looking at your marriage as 'not as fun'.

The 2 of you might want to start thinking about a 'date night' or something?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Hey welcome to the club. The club of guys who didn't want to be "that controlling guy" and so we let our wives do crap we resented deep down.

We all hang around internet marriage forums now because our wives all cheated on us. Don't worry, we all "trusted" them just like you do. "Our wives would never do that!" we said. Cheating was something that happened to those other crappy marriages with bad husbands/wives (all 33-60% of them).

Getting your heart ripped out of your a$$ is a great introduction to establishing boundaries in marriage. Preferably, you do it before that though.

One thing I noticed, if you're not a naturally jealous person, that feeling you get when something is wrong, is usually biological, and it's usually not wrong. Given the other thing you just said about sex, there's a good chance your wife ain't praying at the club.

One thing I didn't think about until after my wife cheated...What business does a married woman have at a club with a bunch of drunk guys who are just looking to score? Why would a woman WANT to go there if she was happily married? You'll hear woman talk about "dancing" or "just being with the girls" all day, but you can dance or be with your girls in places where there aren't ********* guys trying to shove their crotch in your wife.

Trust is earned, not given. When someone says, "trust me." It means they are putting you in a position where they are taking it away.

Read "No more mr. nice guy", and find your sack. When something bothers you, speak up. Establish boundaries in your marriage and stick to them both ways.

And if you don't, we'll see you around in the coping with infidelity forum, after your heart gets ripped out of your A$$.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fembot said: _"From a womans perspective you shouldn't worry! The last thing I want to do at a club is flirt or talk to guys. Even when I was single I was only interested in dancing with my friends. Sure I'd be polite to a guy if he bought me a drink but as a married woman I just tell them that and they're fine with it. Most guys are very respectful.

Women just love to dance!!"_ (end quote)



Fem - I am a lifelong dancer, and yes, women just love to dance.

However, a woman can take a ballet class at any age, therefore there is no real reason that the dancing has to take place in a dance club. Right?

My point is that we can't speak for all women. SOME women go to dance clubs because they enjoy the sexual buzz they get from being checked out by a bunch of guys. Lots of women will deny this even when it is true however, and will proclaim "I just love to dance".

Again, take a ballet class....or get your husband to take you to the club.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Fem - I am a lifelong dancer, and yes, women just love to dance.
> 
> However, a woman can take a ballet class at any age, therefore there is no real reason that the dancing has to take place in a dance club. Right?
> 
> ...


I've disagreed with many of your posts. This is not one of them. Holy crap you are so spot on, I love it. My thoughts exactly.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> One thing I noticed, if you're not a naturally jealous person, that feeling you get when something is wrong, is usually biological, and it's usually not wrong.


'Biological' if your not a naturally jealous person? What does that even mean and according to whom? I call BS.



COguy said:


> One thing I didn't think about until after my wife cheated...What business does a married woman have at a club with a bunch of drunk guys who are just looking to score? Why would a woman WANT to go there if she was happily married?


I agree here. Completely.



COguy said:


> Trust is earned, not given. When someone says, "trust me." It means they are putting you in a position where they are taking it away.


I dont agree here. 'distrust' as a default position is a frigging sad way to go through life.



COguy said:


> Read "No more mr. nice guy", and find your sack/.


If nothing else my friend, you are consitent in your endorsement of this ...uhm...'stuff'.



COguy said:


> When something bothers you, speak up. Establish boundaries in your marriage and stick to them both ways.


This is good advice.



COguy said:


> And if you don't, we'll see you around in the coping with infidelity forum, after your heart gets ripped out of your A$$.


Really? Looks like projecting your crappy experiences onto someone else.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> 'Biological' if your not a naturally jealous person? What does that even mean and according to whom? I call BS.


Meaning that "nice guys" who typically don't care what our women do normally, when they get that "something isn't right feeling" or that "I'm getting jealous feeling", there is usually a reason for it. Biology knows that we are being challenged or that something isn't right. Jealousy is a natural reaction, a healthy natural reaction, and it shouldn't be ignored.

I asterisk this by saying if you are not a naturally jealous person, because some guys are so insecure that they irrationally flip out about everything. But this guy does not sound like one of those people.




> I dont agree here. 'distrust' as a default position is a frigging sad way to go through life.


I didn't say make it a default position. I said when someone says, "trust me", by nature, they are making a withdrawal from the bank of trust, ie doing untrustworthy activities. No one says, "you're just going to have to trust me." When they go to the nunnery for a weekend jesus convention.

They say "just trust me" when they go on GNOs to vegas with their single friends. Someone that is worthy of trust won't put you in positions where you HAVE to blindly trust them.



> If nothing else my friend, you are consitent in your endorsement of this ...uhm...'stuff'.


Tell me this guy doesn't have nice guy written all over him. Wife hasn't had sex in a month in a half, she's going out to the club with her friends, he's jealous as hell, and instead of confronting her or establishing boundaries, he's here on an internet forum wondering why he's so jealous? I'm a former "nice guy" so I can spot it a mile away.



> Really? Looks like projecting your crappy experiences onto someone else.


My advice is always biased, lurking on an internet board reading thousands of nice guys getting cheated on will do that to you. But this guy is in a perfect position to get cheated on. Sexless marriage with no boundaries and a wife who enjoys going to meat markets. Given that cheating affects 33-60% of relationships, even if I'm just making random prognostications I wouldn't be far off the mark.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I go dancing too, French Fry. And I go to social dancing, which is close up and personal like salsa, tango, swing, etc. I am in the arms of another man and swooning through what we call a three minute marriage (the length of a song), many times per dance night.

And my husband has some pretty high boundaries around me, so in most cases, it wouldn't seem like he would just be ok with me being passed around a dance hall like that.

But he is ok with it, because I really am a dancer. He doesn't dance and he isn't going to keep me from doing it as he knows it is part of my life. Social dancing is not intimate between non-intimate dance partners, even though it can look very intimate. He knows this and trusts me in that realm.

So even though I many times will speak out against married women going out dancing in clubs, I do it myself frequently. 

The difference is in the way these guys present their wife's activities. These guys are clearly not in a place of trust and their wives *usually* sound like they just want to get rubbed on by other men. 

If my husband expressed concerns about what I'm doing (he is always free to come with me, by the way, and I would love it if he did), or if I pushed the envelope too far and came home too late or whatever...he could pull the plug on me in an instant. That's the other difference. I respect him. It sounds like you respect your H, too.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

FF and FW truly show how women can go out dancing with friends without their husbands. They handle it right. But I would venture to guess that more than 75% of women who go out clubbing aren't as "pure in motives and actions". I have ZERO desire to go out clubbing with the guys because there was always one and only one reason for it...and I'm married now LOL. Now I know some women go for the dancing, but FW nailed it that I think more go for the sexual charge.

If my wife first asked me to go out dancing (and I didn't want to) and then said well I want to go dancing (she always liked to dance). I'd have no problem with her going because she's much like you FrenchFry. She tells me everything and has earned trust in MANY MANY ways, not just that one component.

BUT...OP your situation definitely sounds different.

1. Women who like to dance, like sex. I know this is a generalization, but there's a reason so many guys go to the dance clubs (me included in my younger days). 
2. If you're not getting anything within a couple days after your wife went dancing...something's not jiving.

FF and FW, if you don't mind the personal questions...How active are you with your H's sexually, and how long after a night out dancing are you usually getting your groove on with Hubster?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Dad&Hubby...we have lots of sex and fun times, before and after.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Thank you Faithful Wife and FrenchFry (PS Always love your avatar, something very cute and super fun about it but also makes me think of the yahoo commercial with the balding red headed guys yahooing about hair loss)

You nailed my point. If the OP's wife was super open with communication, showed that she complete respected boundaries, sexed up the OP. He wouldn't even be THINKING about this as an issue.

But in situations where the wife enters a sexually charged environment and the husband gets nothing as well as communication is kept at a minimum (bordering on secretive) of course the husband will be jealous.

I'm not a fan of arbitrary, one size fits all solutions, but for the OP, I don't see how the wife going out on the GNO's can possibly be a good thing. It strikes me as one of those situations where in 6 months we find him in the CWI section. 

For FF and FW, I'm sure it enhances your marriage because it allows you to "be you" and know that your husband accepts and loves you for who YOU are, which will obviously make you that much more attracted and feeling love to and from your husband.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

Thats a lot of posts! lol. Yeah no all is well, she did in fact tell me everything,even she didnt her friend would land her in, she always tell me if anyone tries it on anyway, to be fair,she drank so much she was a mess,so it was more of a release of stress i guess who knows! still communication has returned, for the ladies in this thread yeah my wifes the same,loves dancing. Dad&hubby, id be really worried if it was regular thing but she goes out every three to four months with her friends,so its not a major issue. 

The biologically jealous comments probably fit me, probably just more a few days ago as we had issues! Im jealous by default, but worse when things arent well,i told her i had an attack of this anyway she understood why


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

How does she act before she goes out? Does she tell you where she is going? Do you go over ground rules (half the guys there are in it for sex, there will be alcohol). Does she talk all about it when she gets home? Where she went? Who she partied with? Who she danced with? Where did she go when she left the club and who was with her.

Has she ever admitted to partying with strange men?

Some women really can go to a nightclub to dance in a man free bubble. That is rare. Is your wife like that or is she in the majority that go to flirt with, drink with, dance with and party with strange men.

I read a pretty common statistic that women get hit on by men two ranks above them. Even if your wife is a 7, then 9's are hitting on her ALL NIGHT. How does she deal with that?

I find it difficult to believe that a woman goes to a meat market and enjoys herself when she is pushing drunk men off of her all night. So why does she go? Because she doesnt push them off all night.

Show up one night unannounced and see what goes on for yourself. I can GUARANTEE it'll be an education.

Guarantee.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

For sure,i hear you, its tricky, i mean,yeah women get hit on, it wouldnt suprise me if she gets hit on much more than she lets on. Then to be fair i wouldnt really want to know lol, theres a certain degree that women like the attention..knowing they still 'have it' this applies across the board i think,just because a womans not in a nightclub doesnt mean people dont flirt with her,at shops or what not! i dont lay down ground rules, shes my age, you should know the deal lol


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

FemBot said:


> From a womans perspective you shouldn't worry! The last thing I want to do at a club is flirt or talk to guys. Even when I was single I was only interested in dancing with my friends. Sure I'd be polite to a guy if he bought me a drink but as a married woman I just tell them that and they're fine with it. Most guys are very respectful.
> 
> Women just love to dance!!


Strongly disagree...

A lot of us have lived through this exact situation before. Let me tell you how it unfolds.

- Wife starts going out with the "girls" for drinks. Most of the gang are married so it is harmless. Husband is supportive of the wife having friends and some time to unwind.

- Girls night out become more frequent and later. They start going to clubs to dance a little. They clearly enjoy being seen and the attention they attract.

- Other married women don't go out as often, so she starts hanging out more with the single women in the group.

- Both at the pubs and at the dance clubs, men are there to meet women. It's not all clumsy college kids and club rats, there are also successful, intelligent, mature men there that are very good at talking up the ladies. The single friend is receptive and has an envious, carefree lifestyle meeting all these men.

- Your wife turns away hundreds of advances over the months, but one or two slip through the defenses during the revelry and get her phone number.

- They begin text exchanges, light at first, but conversations then lead to talking about life, and eventually your marriage and its shortcomings. He starting to really "get her" (gag!)

- She begins to text this guy when she goes out, hoping to run into him.

- She starts coming home later and later. "Had to take home a drunk friend" is something you're likely to hear.

- Full blown physical affair is on at this point.

Here's a simple truth, people don't avoid affairs because they are more moral or ethical than others, they avoid affairs because they don't put themselves in situations where one is likely.

Going out to pubs or dance clubs frequently without your spouse is putting yourself at great risk of an affair because you are in an extremely risky environment. It really isn't a question of if, but when the above scenario will play out.


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