# Help me understand this...



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Not sure where this should be, but it is a relationship of sorts, Ex W and youngest son...

And I am really just whining so everyone can let me have it. 

Youngest son 21, high achiever, genius IQ, big time musician in several genres, 3 year collage, and bi-polar...

Found out about the Bi-polar his first year, and it was his first manic episode, got it under control, he took his meds like a champ and had no problems at all, until the last 2 months of school. 

For the most part I understand, full load, junior and senior classes, steady load of gigs, he also teaches, and he has a GF, and on and on. I mean I get it. 

But, he changes his meds and cuts back on one, because in his mind, it just made him too tired. 

Now, he lives with me, and Ex calls to see if I had noticed anything that was off, and she relayed some incidents and conversations she had with him, and a complete picture starts to come into focus. 

This is how it usually happens, piecemeal, esp with adults, each member of the Team so to speak, has a piece of the puzzle. So he was approaching an episode, we caught it, and it is all good. 

But to make it more of a problem he is flying to SF on Friday, and driving a friend back to our state, so it becomes more critical. 

So all of that is life, I get it, the confrontation last night was a drag. But it is all good. 

She took him to the doc and has a plan for him to stabilize. So he will be fine. 

So here comes the whining...

First off, to have the "family" meeting, I basically had to invite my Ex into my house she we could all sit, talk, and confront him. Yuck.

Mind you, I try to never even actually speak to her on the phone, I always try to do just text. 

And then, this morning, on the phone this morning, she tells me how "I can't do this by myself, I can't do this alone". And I might loose my job, the company is in transition, and I don't know what I am going to do. 

Now, she I understand, that life is tough, esp when you are working a low wage job at her age, esp when you never had to work a day in your life because your husband took care of you, even though you were a cheating drug addict. Even though... on and on. But you know, she got weepy.

So, I did not say anything, I never said that I would not help get my son stable, he lives with me after all. 

But honestly, for her to whine to me about how hard her life is after the divorce... WTF???

And to make matters worse, I had to actually look at her, and I bet she does not weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet, and she is not short. She looked terrible. 

I don't know guys, I don't even know how to process all of this. And for her to whine to me about how hard it is after what she put me through for 26 years... I am at a loss...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tell her you are prepared to discuss your son and his problems.
And nothing else!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Now, she I understand, that life is tough, esp when you are working a low wage job at her age, esp when you never had to work a day in your life because _your husband took care of you, even though you were a cheating drug addict. _Even though... on and on. But you know, she got weepy.


Proverbs 13:15 (KJV)

_Good understanding giveth favour: but the way of transgressors is hard._

Your wife has, sadly, experienced the truth of this ancient proverb. She was unthankful, ungrateful, for the "good understanding" she was given. Her "weepy" demonstration says absolutely nothing about whether she has actually learned a valuable life-lesson from her circumstances.

How to process? I think I would suggest that you have not only gone "the extra mile", but 25 extra miles. It sure is not up to you to make her way easy again. You obviously had every good right to end your marriage to her, and you were considerably more tolerant than most of us would have been.

Of course, you will help your son in his battle with his mental illness. She should accept this as a great favor to her, in itself.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Empathy and compassion are your best tools here. 

A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She still expects you to care in spite of all she's done. 

It's a hard lesson for some that actions have consequences.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Not sure where this should be, but it is a relationship of sorts, Ex W and youngest son...
> 
> And I am really just whining so everyone can let me have it.
> 
> ...


Don't discount the idea that she may have mental illness as well. Probably undiagnosed. This stuff is genetic. Besides that maybe she just doesn't want to be married to you she just wanted you to do stuff for her. Maybe she is just an ass like that. Lots of people are selfish. 

Why try to understand it as anything more than that. People like free stuff and not having to be responsible because those things take work. She also obviously doesn't have enough shame or introspection to get how ridiculous it is to bring it up to you.

What you did was a service to your son, think of her as just a difficult part of any hard work. Like the labor involved in any project.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Sympathy isn't so hard to give, is it? She sounds pathetic. Sounds like maybe she's always been that way. Let her whine, sympathyze, repeat. You don't have to do anything else. It's her way of saying, thanks for taking care of me all those years. ;-)

I'd suggest a lil more sympathy with bipolar boy as well. 

"But, he changes his meds and cuts back on one, because in his mind, it just made him too tired."

Meds suck and while it's all too common for people to want to change theirs up, it is his body and he's got to learn how to manage it himself. He definitely needs to trust his doctor, but he gets a voice and choice in this. They way you say "in his mind" it's like it's not a valid complaint that the meds could make him tired. He was tired! He's a problem solver. Honestly, from the bit you describe, he's making bipolar disorder look easy. No one wants him to be well more than him. Trust that he's doing the best he can.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Just remember...She is an addict. And on top of that, you had a freakin' stroke. You are brave man taking this on. You son is sooo lucky. As for your XW, I am feeling a little of the attention grab by your son is noticed by her. She is trying for a pity me moment... Stay strong. Compassion at arms length is cool. Just keep YOURSELF healthy. Hell, I need ya here so you can help me with my crap too! lol


Take care friend. I hear you loud and clear.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Don't discount the idea that she may have mental illness as well. Probably undiagnosed. This stuff is genetic. Besides that maybe she just doesn't want to be married to you she just wanted you to do stuff for her. Maybe she is just an ass like that. Lots of people are selfish.
> 
> Why try to understand it as anything more than that. People like free stuff and not having to be responsible because those things take work. She also obviously doesn't have enough shame or introspection to get how ridiculous it is to bring it up to you.
> 
> What you did was a service to your son, think of her as just a difficult part of any hard work. Like the labor involved in any project.


Well, she is crazy, certifiable, documented. But I will give her that she tries to be a decent mother now that she is sober, I think. 

It just struck me that she, even her, would have the audacity to try and whine to me about her life.

And yeah, she did not want me to divorce her, and even in the end I gave it one last shot. 

It is like that question on TAM the other day. Did the ws, and in her case 20 drug addict, ever "get it". 

That would be a big fat no. She never did and I don't think she ever will. 

But I did not say anything when she whined... I just changed the subject and moved on...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Well, she is crazy, certifiable, documented. But I will give her that she tries to be a decent mother now that she is sober, I think.
> 
> It just struck me that she, even her, would have the audacity to try and whine to me about her life.
> 
> ...


For most of them it's just in their nature.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would be curious to know what she feels she is doing on her own. What is she asking for?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

KrisAmiss said:


> Sympathy isn't so hard to give, is it? She sounds pathetic. Sounds like maybe she's always been that way. Let her whine, sympathyze, repeat. You don't have to do anything else. It's her way of saying, thanks for taking care of me all those years. ;-)
> 
> I'd suggest a lil more sympathy with bipolar boy as well.
> 
> ...


You sound like a super nice person. As far a sympathy, I am fairly sympathetic. But I am a hard A$$. 

I am not my children's friends, I am their father. With the boys it is my job to prepare them for life, same with my daughter. 

Yes I have good relationships with all the kids, but not because I am their friend. For me, this son had every chance to talk to me about whatever he needed to. We could have gone to the doc, and had the meds changed or what ever. But the way that he Chose to deal with it was a bad choice. 

And when I asked about how he felt and was he taking his meds, he chose to lie to me. That is one of the things I don't put up with. While in collage, he lives with me he follows my rules. 

He had a lot of options to choose from, and I would have helped him with things and helped him pair down his schedule or whatever. 

In his defense this is the first time this has happened in 2 1/2 years so he has done well so far, but this one could have gotten out of control if we had not figured it out. 



NobodySpecial said:


> I would be curious to know what she feels she is doing on her own. What is she asking for?


If you mean in the divorce, she got a fair settlement. But he life style will change. 

I am sure that she outwardly says she is great, and good for her. But the weight loss is not a good thing for her. Something is going on with her, but it is not my circus or my monkeys...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> If you mean in the divorce, she got a fair settlement. But he life style will change.


No, all that is definitely worthy of ignoring. I meant specifically her rant about handling your son on her own. Maybe I misunderstood.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> No, all that is definitely worthy of ignoring. I meant specifically her rant about handling your son on her own. Maybe I misunderstood.


I am not really sure? I never said I would not help, I have always been there for her and all the kids? 

Really that is why I am asking the question. I mean surly she is not expecting me to feel sorry for her or something. 

Or what if she wanted to lean on me emotionally, yuck. That kind of make me throw up in my mouth to think about that. 

For me it was just really weird...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> I am not really sure? I never said I would not help, I have always been there for her and all the kids?
> 
> Really that is why I am asking the question. I mean surly she is not expecting me to feel sorry for her or something.
> 
> ...


Sorry. I got nothing.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Empathy and compassion are your best tools here.
> 
> A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.”
> ― Dalai Lama XIV


Sounds like being a doormat.


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