# Best friend



## Windluvr (Feb 9, 2014)

Background:
We met almost 17 yrs ago when I was in professional school. She had finished her undergrad and, like myself, had moved to Cali from the Midwest for the Great Adventure. Both of us came from middle class Midwestern families but the resemblance ends there. I am about 7 yrs older and my parents came from NY, uber intellectual snobs, I was reading Ayn Rand in junior high and started classical guitar at age 8. I never really clicked with other kids but more with adults through my youth except at a Unitarian church which I was the only member of my family to attend. She was busy playing sports and having normal friendships and had three siblings and, according to her, it was love and chaos at home. Her parents worked hard and didn't have much but made up for it with solid support and being there. They are still married and their kids adore them. My parents were mean to each other and unsupportive, unhappy in their marriage and eventually divorced after 37 yrs right about the time I met her. I didn't really have many friends and no one I keep up with today and she has a short list of good friends she still keeps in contact with. To this day, I socialize and am considered by many to be the life of the party, but rarely seek out the company of other men to do stuff with. I work out, engage in some solitary sports like running and kitesurfing but no team sports. I bring this up because, I never really learned to play with others. My dad is a loner, in his own head, kind of guy, detached from the world but caring in his own way. My mom is smart but can be abrasive but also is loving in her own way. My brother is rarely in contact, 3-4 times a year, and has his own marriage issues which he used to call me about a lot but keeps to himself now. Bottom line, I never learned to be a team player. 

Now, we have been married 12 yrs. we have had our ups and downs. I have had some pot and alcohol issues which I seem to have grown out of. I am healthy and focused on my daughters and spouse now. A fair amount of financial stress over the years as I bought a practice from someone who was dying for top dollar and it was going well for awhile but fell apart during the recession. Some residual feelings of self doubt and failure from that but I make a good living now working for someone else. There have been a lot of ups and downs and I have to say, I haven't always been the best team player. I've been selfish and mean at times mainly because I didn't have good mentors for behavior growing up. Growing up, I was the most optimistic and happy member of my family, but was labeled as hyperactive so never appreciated for my energy. I say this so you understand that I am not naturally a mean person. I work in the health world and give a lot of myself every day. People really like me where I work and my clients have followed me when I closed my practice to many places and remain loyal. 

I have two beautiful daughters and a great wife who recently referred to me as her best friend. When she said this, it brought tears to my eyes. She has put up with a lot and has stayed by me. We are entering a new phase of our lives, about to realize some important shared goals. Life, by many standards, is good. 

So here is the issue: all along, from the beginning, there has been a disparity in our desire for and expression of physical affection. I grew up in a house with a similar disparity. We have talked much about it and she "tries" but her efforts aren't sustained for long. I can count on two hands the number of times she has held my hand. We rarely kiss except for once a day peck when leaving or coming home. Sex is 2-4 times a month and there isn't much variety. No interest from her in drawing things out, she just wants to have intercourse and that's it. Little kissing. Little touching and then on to the big event. 99% of the time mutually satisfying. 

I have a tried to talk about it, many times over the course of relationship but is such an old worn out discussion it doesn't help. I find myself feeling angry and frustrated and revisiting feelings about my parents. Sex and intimacy are very important to me in addition to being a member of her team. I am an equal partner in chores. I more than pull my weight financially. I try, within my own understanding and ability, to be a good partner and better myself as a person. We have our fights, usually because she feels I have said or done something objectionable and I always apologize and try to do better next time. She Rarely makes a similar acknowledgement when I have commented on things that upset me. T he usual endpoint with her is her saying that I am the unhappy one and it's my problem. Honestly
The only major issue I have with her that is causing me issue is sex and physicality. A lot of times, I start to become really frustrated and angry inside when we reach a certain length of time without contact. Usually about a week and I start to feel hurt and ignored. I sometimes react and that makes it worse. I stay fit and am considered to be an attractive man. Not Brad Pittt, more Bruce Willis. I am modest too. And I have a sense of humor. I am pretty self aware and empathetic. I can admit my faults and work to improve them. 

My frustration over the physical imbalance in our relationship is my only major issue right now. I satisfy myself as I need to but when I read some of the posts here, or hear women complain about their men not putting out, I can't understand it. I am used to being the physical one and can't understand men who wouldn't want to be with their women. I am not a cheater. I never will be but sometimes feel like resorting to porn for self satisfaction is one step before adultery. I want to be with my wife! 2 times a week would be a reasonable amount. I've expressed this many times. She cites all the pressures of kids and work, she works 80% time 
What do I do with all of this? How can I receive satisfaction too? I know most of the things my wife complains to me about me are in direct relationship to the level of physicality we are experiencing. I am not as nice to her when I feel this way. I don't like feeling like I have no control and have to "beg" for it when I want it. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know what to do.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It does not seem like a problem to her, she is not hearing you.

Have you ever had MC? 

My wife never initiates, and has a lower drive than I do.

Maybe a MC could get the l light to turn on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

When was.the last time you took you wife out on a date? How much undivided attention do you give each other, weekly? Have you romanced her lately? Remember.that word? It does wonders breaking down walls.built by resentment.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This seems to be a huge complaint for so many couples. At the end of the day, talking to her about it seems pointless, so maybe you could get her to read:

'His Needs, Her Needs' by W. Harley

I used to advocate complete honesty by the male sometimes being the only way to force a woman to accept her responsibility to fill her partners sexual needs, following my own DHs example in the same situation. Complete honesty being he didn't satisfy himself outside of the relationship (i.e. NO masturbating), but that's about as likely for most males as suddenly growing another head.


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## Windluvr (Feb 9, 2014)

What is MC and DH?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

MC - marriage counseling
D - darling
H - husband
W - wife
C, S, D -child, son daughter. (i.e. DD = darling daugheter)


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I would consider reading married mans sex life primer and no more mister nice guy. they are essentially male self help books that may help you out here. MMSLP seems to have a big impact in this area for me.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

there are a lot of threads here, dealing with this issue. 

main themes: 
She is not attracted to you - see the two books I suggested
She is Low Desire (LD), this could be emotional, biological or innate
She is having an affair
probably others....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many hours a week do you two spend together, away from kids, chores, work, and personal interests?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you mean she works 80%?

MMSLP can be bought at Barnes ans Noble (link below) or amazon. It can also be downloaded.

You can read NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY for free here https://www.google.com/#q=no+more+mister+nice+guy+free+download&safe=off


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Even cynical me does not see much to think affair from the OP.

No changes right? She has always been this way.


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## Windluvr (Feb 9, 2014)

She's always been this way.


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## Windluvr (Feb 9, 2014)

She works but @ 80% of full time.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So you have at least one of two HUGE problems.
1) She is LD and you are HD. Hope your hand is rested.
2) She is not attracted to you. Head to CWI where that one eventually heads.

Now note: I am saying don't go all spy on her. I see no need. This does not mean you shut your eyes to any future red flags. There is NO such thing as "My wife will never cheat" 1/3 of women will cheat physically and they do not come with tattoos on their foreheads marking them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Begging for sex is not appealing. A woman needs to feel emotionally safe and secure in order to offer intimacy. Have you created that type of environment in your relationship?

Here browse these ideas...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many hours do you two spend together away from kids/chores/work?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Windluvr,

I agree that you should read MMSLP and you should probably check out the guy's blog. A lot of it is counterintuitive when you are first exposed to it, but his tactics work. They are derived from 3000 years of observed and recorded female behavior, filtered through behavioral and evolutionary psychology. Read the book and start applying it. Things like the 10 second kiss sound stupid, but they work.

It's also kind of weird that your wife's home life would seem to have produced someone who is much less affectionate than one would expect. While, you desire more affection, even though, or because of the fact, you missed out on affection growing up.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't initiate sex with my husband either and he has cheated, looks at porn everyday and collects pictures of women. It frustrates me to no end he can treat me like crap when he cheats but can never just hug me and tell me he loves me. 

Without that I don't see sex as worth having and that is all it seems he wants from me. I feel like my emotional needs are never being met but yet he expects me to meet his. Because of his cheating I can not have an orgasm with him so there really isn't anything in sex for me to look forward to. His insults keep me from even feeling close to him anymore when we do. Besides that he has probably been looking at porn and it has nothing to do with me I'm just the only live female here.

The reason I told you this is some women need more than sex from a man, they need to feel loved and have it said to them. You seem like a really nice guy and that may not be the issue at all It could also be low hormones or just tired from working all the time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thebes, why did you not kick out this man?


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