# Married to a Stranger



## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

7 years, college graduations, jobs, financial woes, crazy family drama, and a two year old later, I thought I knew my husband. We've been married for over four years, been together for 7. Thanks to the great Facebook:smthumbup: I'm finding out my husband is a liar and a cheat. He's not the guy I thought he was. And basically I don't trust him. I know . . . I'm the one snooping through his FB messages. But I'm glad I did. 

He's only owned up to ONE cheating incident: with his best (female) friend's sister. This sister is a chick we still have to socialize with whenever the bestie comes to town and we get invited to their family dinners. He only owned up to having sex with her after I read his FB messages and confronted him. A year into our relationship, he was telling her over FB how he loved her and wanted to have a baby with her. I've always questioned him about this girl, because of the obvious flirting, but he always "promised" that nothing ever happened and that he never had real feelings for her. Well, 7 years later, he finally admits that he cheated with her. He says it only happened once, but I don't believe him. I told him I don't believe him and he didn't fight me on it.

After snooping once, OF COURSE, I had to snoop again. And I opened the flood gates. Messages with this girl, that girl. Most were before we got married. He went on a trip in 2007, and asked a girl if he could "holla" at her while he was down there. I've read messages between him and his male friend, asking this friend to "hook" him up with girls. He was having cyber sex on facebook and scheduling phone sex with a girl we went to college with, someone I thought was my friend, or I at least thought she respected me. And this was right before he proposed to me. 

The things that have happened AFTER marriage: while trying to hook up a coworker with one of his friends, my husband asked the girl (coworker) to send naked pics . . . to his phone. I confronted him and he was angry with me for snooping though his phone. He never really apologized for asking to see this girl's body parts. (FYI, she never responded to his request). Another incident, I just came across: he reached out to another fellow college alum 2 years after we married. It was just small chat over FB, until he asked of her relationship status. She told him she was single and basically that she was not an easy target for guys. She could filter through a guy's BS (what I took from the convo). My husband went on to tease her about how he would have her swooning like it was her "prom night." He also told this girl that sometimes he wished he was still single. Ouch.

I finally broke down and cried and I'm still down about all this. I thought I knew the guy I married. But now I don't trust him at all. With all the female friends he's had, the trips he took without me, the time we lived in two different cities (while I finished school) I KNOW HE"S CHEATED ON ME. I could blame his POST MARRIAGE flirting on me. I'm not the best wife. We don't have sex, usually because I don't want it. And I don't give him enough attention. But apparently, the flirting and cheating started before he asked me to marry him, when I gave him all the attention he wanted. Sexually and emotionally. Why did he cheat then? And how many times did he really cheat? He'll never tell me. If I bring it up he shuts down and says "I don't know what you want me to say." 

So I've accepted that this man I love with all my heart has cheated on me in the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it now. And if he's cheating now, I wouldn't be surprised. But it hurts to know that you never really knew someone. FYI: if I'd known about the cheating and flirting before I moved out here to be with him and marry him, I wouldn't be with him now. I guess i never thought he would do this to me. Anyway, that's my story.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you've ended up here, but you are in the right place.

I may have missed it, but could you say a little more about your situation?

Are you trying to reconcile? Are there children?


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I don't want to be hard o you,but you knew he was with other women before you got married so he was playing you then,so why did you think he was going to change?

If you have no children you need to get out now and even if you do have children you need to start looking at getting out because he does not care and if you are not having sex with him ,he is getting it from someplace and will continue because it sounds like he has no guilt and is having his fun so it comes down to your next move.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Lory said:


> 7 years, college graduations, jobs, financial woes, crazy family drama, and a two year old later, I thought I knew my husband. We've been married for over four years, been together for 7. Thanks to the great Facebook:smthumbup: I'm finding out my husband is a liar and a cheat. He's not the guy I thought he was. And basically I don't trust him. I know . . . I'm the one snooping through his FB messages. But I'm glad I did.
> 
> *He's only owned up to ONE cheating incident: with his best (female) friend's sister. This sister is a chick we still have to socialize with whenever the bestie comes to town and we get invited to their family dinners*. He only owned up to having sex with her after I read his FB messages and confronted him. A year into our relationship, *he was telling her over FB how he loved her and wanted to have a baby with her*. I've always questioned him about this girl, because of the obvious flirting, but he always "promised" that nothing ever happened and that he never had real feelings for her. Well, 7 years later, he finally admits that he cheated with her. He says it only happened once, but I don't believe him. I told him I don't believe him and he didn't fight me on it.
> 
> ...


First, a marriage without sex or attention is not going to work long term.

Second, this may justify a divorce, but not cheating. And as you've pointed out, the cheating is a separate issue; or maybe that's why you are turned off to him both sexually and emotionally. If he was unhappy about the sex and attention, he should have talked to you about that issue, and gotten divorced, not cheated and lied.

Third, there is SOMETHING you can do about it now. You don't have to tolerate it. You can decide what you are willing to accept and not accept in your marriage. Continued contact with someone he cheated on you with is NOT acceptable. His refusal to talk to you about his cheating is NOT acceptable.

If it wasn't for your child, I would say just forget about him. Maybe that is what you will wind up doing anyway.

Don't apologize for snooping. When you got married, you agreed to share your lives. What messages could either of you be sending or receiving that the other should not be able to see?

What do you want? To work on your marriage and get your husband to stop cheating? The latter might not be possible, it seems that this behavior is something ingrained in him over many years from before you got together. But you can try. And you don't have to accept it. But you do have to be willing to give him consequences for his actions if you expect to be able to get him to change.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Run forest run!

If you truly do not like sex please tell the next guy before he pops the question. Then again being a serial cheat may have a large effect on your labido.


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## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> That sounds awful. I'm sorry you've ended up here, but you are in the right place.
> 
> I may have missed it, but could you say a little more about your situation?
> 
> Are you trying to reconcile? Are there children?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> That sounds awful. I'm sorry you've ended up here, but you are in the right place.
> 
> I may have missed it, but could you say a little more about your situation?
> 
> Are you trying to reconcile? Are there children?


We do have one child, a 2 year old. As far as reconciling: like I said he's only owned up to one incident, though I know there were more. After owning up to that one incident, he didn't really react the way I needed him too. It was more like he was shrugging it off with a plain apology. And he didn't have much to say. Until I slept on the couch for a few days. Then he got a little more emotional, said he was gonna do whatever it took to prove how sorry he was. I should asked him to make a list of things to do because a few months later he was asking his coworker for the naked pic. I love him, and I know he loves me. I don't think people should divorce over one or two little problems. But for me its that fact that I'm founding out all this stuff NOW! I didn't get to break up with him. I didn't get to call these girls up and cuss them out. I am just now finding out his little secrets that started 7 years ago. I do feel like an idiot. I feel like he has no respect for me. Honestly I think we need counseling. To at least get all our feelings out on the table. He doesn't talk to me. Of course I also think about having MY fun and cheating after being faithful to him for 7 years. Just so I can feel better. Wrong thing to do, I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> I don't want to be hard o you,but you knew he was with other women before you got married so he was playing you then,so why did you think he was going to change?
> 
> If you have no children you need to get out now and even if you do have children you need to start looking at getting out because he does not care and if you are not having sex with him ,he is getting it from someplace and will continue because it sounds like he has no guilt and is having his fun so it comes down to your next move.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> I don't want to be hard o you,but you knew he was with other women before you got married so he was playing you then,so why did you think he was going to change?
> 
> If you have no children you need to get out now and even if you do have children you need to start looking at getting out because he does not care and if you are not having sex with him ,he is getting it from someplace and will continue because it sounds like he has no guilt and is having his fun so it comes down to your next move.


Trust me, you can't be as hard on me as I've been on my self. But I didn't know about any cheating . . . Well he admitted to kissing a girl once while we were dating, but of course I let it go. But before we got married, apparently he was having fun and I wasn't paying attention. I was so worried about being a good girlfriend. Like I said in my original statement, had I known about the sex, I wouldn't have married him. But I waved him off to be a good guy that would have never done this to me. 7 years later, I'm finding out that I was wrong. The only thing I have proof that he's done AFTER marriage is trying to get a coworker to send a named pic and telling another chick that sometimes he wishes he was still single. Do I think he's actually had sex with someone else since we've been married . . . Sigh: I don't know. And I'll probably never know. The prob with our sex life is me. Its partly physical, partly psychological. But I've made and am still making steps to correct it. But sex was not a problem 7 years ago when he started cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lory (Dec 23, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> First, a marriage without sex or attention is not going to work long term.
> 
> Second, this may justify a divorce, but not cheating. And as you've pointed out, the cheating is a separate issue; or maybe that's why you are turned off to him both sexually and emotionally. If he was unhappy about the sex and attention, he should have talked to you about that issue, and gotten divorced, not cheated and lied.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot.  I can't say that I'm ready to run and give him the middle finger. But it has opened my eyes. I would like for us to stay married. But I watched my mother be a fool for my dad for 20 something years, until HE finally left to be with one of his mistresses. That will never be me. I do t think I should leave for what he did BEFORE we got married. But any actually sex act that he's done now is definitely a deal breaker. But even if I find out that he's done something like that, I'll probably only want to separate and not divorce. Stupid I know. But I can't see myself not being his wife. I love him. I at least want to start with counseling before I make any moves, though. Thanks for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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