# Considering of separating from my husband because of my mother in law



## Kessler (Jun 29, 2021)

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for four years (no kids). My relationship with my husband was great and in fact, it is still is. I love him dearly but I can't deal with his mother. I used to like my mother-in-law, let both my parents in law stayed at my apartment for over a month, fed them, bought them stuff. She even asked me to buy designer bags, expensive skincare, which I bought for her, no question asked. Because I genuinely liked her. She even asked for a MONTHLY allowance from my husband (which is OK for me) and asked for a new TV, washer machines, etc as if we were her ATMs. But we bought stuff for her anyways. Did she ever say thank you to me, NO, never, not even once. 

My relationship fell through after I was offered a job to work in another country. My husband who is an engineer, was happy for me, for the two of us, and excited to move. I was excited to tell my in-laws because I respected them like I respect my parents. Little did I know, that night my husband received a long text from his mother -- his mother criticized me for asking him to move to a foreign country and quit his job. Little did she know, my husband and I had a long discussion about this, and I managed to help my husband to get a spot in the doctoral program while I will be the sole breadwinner when we move abroad. 

I also applied for a scholarship for him, so basically, he going to come with me to get a doctorate, fully funded. This only happened after all the sleepless nights I went through applying for schools, and scholarships on his behalf.

My husband also told me numerous times that he wanted to experience living abroad — that’s why I applied for a job outside of our home country!

My mother-in-law (in her long text to my husband) insulted my job -- saying that I will not be able to support my husband. Told my husband that I would leave him because he would no longer have a job and everything. FYI, I am a professor, I have a consultation company, and even a certified trainer in Big Data analytics. I know 100% that I will be able to support my husband. Plus, I already secured him a full scholarship! I wrote applications for him and everything! He didn't even have to lift a finger to apply!

She told him crap about me and even made snarky comments about me to his siblings (my sister-in-law made ****ty comments about me on Facebook) and insinuate that I'm a terrible person in the family Whatsapp group. My husband understands how I feel, but he never once stood up for me or said anything to his mother. So his mother keeps walking all over me, and I hate that. I decided to go no contact with his family and refuse to call his mother 'mom' anymore because a 'mom' would never be that nasty. I lost faith in my husband and his ability to protect me from criticism, even when the monster-in-law wrote craps about me in the Whatsapp group.

His mother calls him every other day, he would respond as if nothing ever happened. I feel like my feeling is not validated, and whatever I feel was swept under the rug.
I love my husband, but I no longer trust him as my protector. My husband should stand up for me, and tell anybody that disrespects me to understand boundaries. I feel like he's a coward, and what's the point of staying together if he can't protect his wife from his family? I don't ask for much, but for him to confront his mother to respect our marriage and to let us make decisions for our own family (the two of us). Ask her to respect me as his wife who ALSO sacrificed a lot for him.

He failed to do that, and I am thinking of leaving him, and let him go back to our home country and stay away from my life. I am depressed by my in-laws and my husband's lack of protection of our marriage. I do not see any point in moving forward if my in-laws hate me, my husband lack of support towards me, and I am depressed.

I feel this whole ordeal is eating my life. And I need this to end.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Doesn’t seem wrong to me. Picking between my wife and my mom would take a nanosecond for my wife to win out.


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## Kessler (Jun 29, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Doesn’t seem wrong to me. Picking between my wife and my mom would take a nanosecond for my wife to win out.


I wish my husband would do the same!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you told him how you feel? How you are so unhappy that you are thinking of leaving?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You have lost all respect for your husband and this will be virtually impossible to get back. I would maybe give him one chance to tell his toxic family where to go but I honestly don’t believe that he will do it. He’s too conflict avoidant. 
Thankfully you have no children together. Carry on with your plans to move and he either mans up or he doesn’t.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Your husband will feel conflicted. It sounds as though up until this point it was not an issue he had to deal with. Everything is going well, and then BAM! he has to choose between 2 women he loves dearly. 
It's not clear from what you wrote, but it sounds like you have both now embarked on your new life in a new country, but you MIL continues to put you down as she sees you took her son away. It sounds like she is struggling to cut the apron strings and he is also struggling to do it for her?

You say your husband says he understands, what does he understand? Does he understand it's upsetting to you? Does he understand it needs tackling but he's working out how to do that without ruining his relationship with his Mother? Has he voiced to you what he wants to happen?

You do deserve the respect absolutely, and there should be no hesitation. It sounds also like you are a fixer in your relationship - you made everything easy for him so far. He is probably looking at you to resolve this for him. Has he ever demonstrated to you he is capable of handling conflict situations or have you always stepped in?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

As an engineer you understand specifics. Give some to your husband. Tell him that you will never make him pick as in you don't expect him to never speak to his mom again but that you need some support. You need him to tell him mom that you are his wife & he loves you & if she loves him she will stop speaking ill of you. Explain to him how you need him to stick up for you & your marriage. 

Meanwhile go to your new job in your new country. Let DH get his PhD. Away from mom things might get better.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As my daughter would say: Dump him in a hot minute. There is nothing to choose... wife is always the priority without a doubt. Your mother in law is toxic and it isn’t going to go away if I had to bet on it. If you have already lost respect for your husband then.....not much you can do ..... it’s done.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kessler said:


> I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for four years (no kids). My relationship with my husband was great and in fact, it is still is. I love him dearly but I can't deal with his mother. I used to like my mother-in-law, let both my parents in law stayed at my apartment for over a month, fed them, bought them stuff. She even asked me to buy designer bags, expensive skincare, which I bought for her, no question asked. Because I genuinely liked her. She even asked for a MONTHLY allowance from my husband (which is OK for me) and asked for a new TV, washer machines, etc as if we were her ATMs. But we bought stuff for her anyways. Did she ever say thank you to me, NO, never, not even once.
> 
> My relationship fell through after I was offered a job to work in another country. My husband who is an engineer, was happy for me, for the two of us, and excited to move. I was excited to tell my in-laws because I respected them like I respect my parents. Little did I know, that night my husband received a long text from his mother -- his mother criticized me for asking him to move to a foreign country and quit his job. Little did she know, my husband and I had a long discussion about this, and I managed to help my husband to get a spot in the doctoral program while I will be the sole breadwinner when we move abroad.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing this with us. Really hits home for me because I am in a similar situation with my husband. 
I do have a couple of questions. 
1. Despite what his mother has said, is he still willing to go overseas with you, or was she able to plant seeds of doubt into his head?

2. Did you ask him about why he didn't defend you? How did he account for it? 

3. Did you have a rational conversation with him about how it made you feel to not be defended and protected by him. 

Also, I agree that you should have gone no contact with his mother and family. They had no right to get into your business like that, and frankly, their opinions on your life and your actions are unwarranted. How did your husband respond to the fact that you went no contact? Was he supportive of you doing that?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s a good husband, he supports YOU in your desires to move to a foreign country and he’s going to be dependent on you (who wants to drop him like a brick right now) for a living since he has or is going to quit HIS career for YOU. And you’re going to drop him because you’re pissed at his mom? She sounds wretched, but he hasn’t caved to her desire to keep him close. He chose to go to a foreign country with you. How the hell is she going to be such a thorn in your side when you’re not even in the same country?
Im
Sorry, I disagree with the others. I think it’s you Who shows zero loyalty to a man that seems to put you first in his life, even over himself.

You have some legitimate gripes with his mom. But he’s already chosen his life with you o we her by moving to a foreign country. I would NOT have done that if I were him, and you sure as hell aren’t loyal enough to trust with his life as he seems to be willing to do.

Yes, divorce him. That’s your go to strategy. Better now than after he’s built a family with you.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Kessler*

The picture you have related - I think your husband *never read* the part in the "book" about when a man marries, his wife becomes #1 and the family he has grown up 'from' is #2.

Also his motivation to better himself seems to be missing - you have done the work to get him scholarship(s)!
What???!!!

Have you read the book by Bill Reilly - "Who's Looking out for You?" Well, doesn't seem your husband is doing
much in the way of looking out for you and you have been looking out for him. You discussed a promotion (looking out for you) and he agreed - yes? That is the way I read your post.

Mama won't let go of her "little boy" and little boy is still not able to separate his life from mom.

So, what if you stay where you are? I think you will begin to feel resentment regarding him not supporting your growth.

Did you know of this parental bond before you got married? Seems from your post you didn't see or realize it's existence or figured, as most would think, that when the know was tied, he would then be making you #1?

Not defending you and telling his family to knock off the negative postings is really bad. Wife is being put down by "family" and husband isn't supporting her by telling "family" how inappropriate and wrong such posting is? 

That is a losing situation.

You don't sound like you need anyone to support you - so why is this not made glaringly apparent to "the family?"

I am thinking you bought a lemon. Well lemons (at least in cars) can mostly be fixed. Marriage? Not so much.

I suggest you tell him he needs to become a husband who puts wife first and stand up to "the family.

Or else -


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree the negative social media posts about you and mom being down on you in front of him........ he should be on that


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your husband two choices:

1. Blacklist his family as you have (with pretty decent reason for doing so).
2. Explain to them what they did was wrong, and work on repairing things. It will never be perfect again, but some apologies might go a long way.

I don't think he is going to do #1, and if he does, he will end up resenting you for it. So even though this is probably what you want him to do, it will create long term issues (especially if you plan to have kids).

#2 will be a difficult task for him, and will likely involve some sacrifice and dropping of grudges by you to even allow that to be a path.

I think he likely needs to directly stand up for you, in front of everyone, and then go quiet for a while with the family. It seems this situation will be based a lot on how good of a person his mother is, which unfortunately seems likely that she is the problem.


If you are considering separating, I feel that there is likely more to the story than just this issue. Maybe there are other red flags and reasons that when added to the MIL situation, add up to too much?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Have you plainly told him the issues you are having. Not hinting or speaking in code as most women do thinking their man should get it. Some of us it has to be made plain in your face clear. 

Last week something camw up on Dr. Laura on XM radio. My wife and i got in a discussion and she told me some things i never knew. She almost left me several times because of my mom and her controlling crap. My mom had said some stuff to my wife that she never said anything about. Stuff that would have prompted me to but my boot in my mom's ass.

Grew up learning to ignore my mom and her controlling ways, learned to disregard and do what i wanted to. By doing that it made mom think she was getting her way because i was not bucking her. She did not have space in my head so she was easily tolerated. 

My wife had not learned to place her on ignore so moms **** caused wife alot of stress. My wife would not come out and blatantly say this is happening! So being mom was on ignore, i did not notice the things going on. 

I was the golden child so my wife always felt like my parents thought she was not good enough. She was saying there was comments made to her when i was not around that was little quips. This floored me as they would not say them in front of me and i could not imagine them doing something like that. I kept trying to analyze what they said thinking they did not mean what was said, that she took it wrong.

She felt like i was controlled by mom and thought about leaving several times. I was also a "good guy" that just goes along with every thing. She was waiting for me to stand up for her, but there were things that would have totally pissed me off that mom said that wife never told me she had said. 

My wife kept pushing me to stand up to her and my family. I got to a breaking point with my wife and was ready to leave her. I then realized i was the problem. I became the man, the head of my household. I made rules and decisions and my famiky would try to get wife to intervene. She just tells mom and sister that i am tge head and my decision stands in the family. She has been removed from tge stress position between my mom and me.

Sadly for mom her behaviors isolated her, dad passed 1.5 yr ago. I live 20 miles away and see her maybe 1x month for 20 min. My kids rarely see her. I call her every 2 weeks or so to see if she needs anything. She is alone with her dogs.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

I think you are over reacting to his non-response to your mother in law. He respects and loves you and you love him and I don't know what else you need to stay in this relationship. Just ignore his mother's view on this or have a direct genuine talk with her that how you got hurt hearing her view. If she understands your concern, she would reflect back on it and you can be peace with her then.


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