# Do I even have a right to feel cheated on?



## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

I would like some feedback, please.

My husband of 20 years left me for another woman about a year ago. At the time, he and I were very unhappy and had been talking about the possibility of divorce, and had been in couples counseling for a while. We said some hurtful things in counseling, and at one point I told him that I wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted a divorce. However, the next day I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make it work, though it would require a lot of hard work on both of our parts. He seemed on board and committed. However, once he met this woman, he lost all interest in me and our marriage and moved on very quickly (24 hours). He just up and left, shacking up with her.

He came home a couple months later wanting to reconcile. I though he came back for me, because we were married and he loved me, but as it turns out, he was back because the girlfriend dumped him. While I was working hard to reconcile and renew our marriage, he continued to call/text/email her (and a few other women he had been casually dating). I also found out that he likes to browse the casual encounters section of craigslist and seems addicted to internet porn.

I am devastated by the fact that he left me for this other woman, and the fact that he looks at the casual encounters ads scares me. A lot. So does the fact that he looks at porn daily. I love him and am trying to build a healthy marriage. He is a good man and we have been together for a very long time. 

What upsets me the most is that he claims that I have no right to be upset about his relationship outside of our marriage because he and I were talking about divorce. I am trying so hard to let go of the past and focus on the positives in the present, but I find it impossible to do so, particularly when my pain and feelings of betrayal are rejected and even mocked.

Am I wallowing in self-pity? Do I have a right to be upset? I feel so betrayed, so rejected, so used. I don't know how to get over this.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Believe it or not, there are quite a few guys out there who are actually looking to find a good woman with whom they can develop a loving and lasting relationship. Dump this guy!!! You can do A LOT better. Someday he's going to emerge from the fog, see the great wife he's lost, and it's going to devastate him emotionally because you will have moved on to a much better man leaving him in the dust. Go for it!!


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Yes, until the actual deed is done, I think you have a right to feel betrayed. Especially since he said he wanted to make it work as well.. 

He was looking for someone to make him feel good. And didn't want to do the work that's required in marriage. I don't think that's going to change.. sorry.

I also say, go, leave.. Better to BE alone and happy than to FEEL alone with someone..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We have the right to feel however we wish to feel. I don't know that there's any benefit to feeling betrayed. Portraying him as the bad guy detracts your attention from yourself and you are the only one you can change. I don't believe one person destroys a 20 year marriage. Twenty years is a long time to prove one's value to another human being. If, after twenty years, he didn't know which side of his toast was buttered, did you spend that time wisely? 
We're all good guys and bad guys, depending on which day the question is asked. You can't fix your ex but you still have the rest of your life to live. Learn and grow from this awful experience and turn it into something beneficial.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

His reasons are just excuses to try to mask his guilt. Don't fall for it...he just wants to get out of guilt by you accepting the blame. Garbage!!

You have every reason to feel betrayed! Instead of getting on task when his marriage was in crisis...he ran off to self-medicate on porn and floozies. And now that he is back home...he's still trolling the internet for porn and craigslist hook-ups?! Unacceptable!!!

This behavior needs to end...and it won't unless you confront it. Love Must Be Tough by James Dobsen, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens, and Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud.

Infidelity inflicts major emotional trauma to the betrayed spouse. It takes a long time to recover from it...the shaking, the constant anxiety, the vigilance, the fear of it happening again...not to mention the re-traumatization when you run across more and more evidence. As long as he is still on the net looking up porn and trolling for a good time, he is not a healthy person to be around.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bettermarriage said:


> I would like some feedback, please.
> 
> My husband of 20 years left me for another woman about a year ago. At the time, he and I were very unhappy and had been talking about the possibility of divorce, and had been in couples counseling for a while. We said some hurtful things in counseling, and at one point I told him that I wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted a divorce. However, the next day I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make it work, though it would require a lot of hard work on both of our parts. He seemed on board and committed. However, once he met this woman, he lost all interest in me and our marriage and moved on very quickly (24 hours). He just up and left, shacking up with her.
> 
> ...



You wanted to make this work and went to MC with your hubby.

He then met another woman and 24 hours later moved out, in with her and basically you guys are getting divorced.

Then he comes back, wanting to supposedly fix things, but only because this other woman dumped him?!

You took him in, while he is looking at porn and finding other women.

My 2 cents for what's its worth. You are a great woman. Your hubby didn't want to make the marriage work and the first woman that was interesting in him, he left you and fast. At that point, you should of immediately filed for divorce and took him for everything he's got. But instead, you let him come back? and so he can see other women because this other woman, who he left you for, dumped him?!

File for divorce already and take him for everything he's got. Start fresh, on your own, some alone time and heal and then find another man who wants you for you and has no issues getting married, spending the rest of his life with you. Many good guys out there.

If he was a good man, he would of communicated with you what his needs are over the years and not left you for another woman!!! He would of made the effort with MC, like you did. If he did this once, you took him back?, he will do it again.

You need to get some self respect and divorce him already.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bettermarriage said:


> He came home a couple months later wanting to reconcile. I though he came back for me, because we were married and he loved me, but as it turns out, he was back because the girlfriend dumped him. While I was working hard to reconcile and renew our marriage, he continued to call/text/email her (and a few other women he had been casually dating). I also found out that he likes to browse the casual encounters section of craigslist and seems addicted to internet porn.


This does not sound like a man who is interested in first saving and then improving his marriage. This does not sound like a man who is trying to reconcile. 

This sounds like a man who is trolling for other women, and will likely leave you again once he finds another woman or his affair partner takes him back.

I'm sorry, but there is no joy here, not with a man who is actively looking for other women. Don't let your desire to repair your marriage blind you to what he is actually *doing* vs. what he is _telling _you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How does a man who is not committed to marriage remain married for 20 years? I'm sure the man is a flawed, imperfect being, as are all of us, but he did give it 20 years, which statistically shows more devotion than the average husband is able to muster. This guy may not have been great at being married but he apparently preferred it to the idea of single life. I wonder if it's possible that this guy had never lived alone and the expression of his wife that she wanted a divorce put him in panic mode and he thought he needed to find a replacement or backup rather than risk being abandoned. From the OP's statement, the marriage problems were severe and they predated his relationship with this other woman. She didn't cause the break-up. Being a guy, he probably approached the matter as a costs/benefits/risk question. The risk of staying in the marriage was that it would end and he would be alone. Sounds like he traded in a damaged relationship for a new one that would require less effort, traded a woman who announced her intention to leave him for one who probably promised to never leave. That a 20 year bird in the hand beats an unknown one in the bush apparently evaded his sense of logic. In some sick way, his actions are a testament to his preference for couple life (which he knows only by his experience with the OP). He went immediately from one relationship with a woman to another. Despite their difficulties, he apparently couldn't imagine living without a woman.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Or he has been cheating the whole time and hasn't been caught.

My friends husband cheated on her for 10 years and then fell in love with one of his hook ups and he left her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bettermarriage said:


> My husband of 20 years left me for another woman about a year ago. At the time, he and I were very unhappy and had been talking about the possibility of divorce, and had been in couples counseling for a while. We said some hurtful things in counseling, and at one point I told him that I wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted a divorce. However, the next day I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make it work, though it would require a lot of hard work on both of our parts. He seemed on board and committed. However, once he met this woman, he lost all interest in me and our marriage and moved on very quickly (24 hours). He just up and left, shacking up with her.


My guess is that the woman he left you for was more than a new acquaintance. Most people, even cheaters, don't meet someone and move in with them in 24 hours. It's likely they were already having an affair well before he left you. She was probably part of the reason your marriage was in such difficulty to start with.

And even if they weren't already in an affair before he left you, do you really want to be married to this guy? He dumps you, cheats on you, only comes back when he gets dumped, and is actively trolling for other women. Why don't you think you deserve better than that from your husband?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

bettermarriage said:


> I am devastated by the fact that he left me for this other woman, and the fact that he looks at the casual encounters ads scares me. A lot.


This should scare you.... That's pretty bad and quite frankly disgusting. I can't imagine you would get anything other than a STD ridden, crackhead on a craiglist ad.



bettermarriage said:


> So does the fact that he looks at porn daily.


If it was just the porn, I'd say no big deal even if it is daily. That's just fantasy stuff many guys do but looking at the craiglist ads demostrates possible intent to act. People don't just look at ads if they have no intention of ever contacting them.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Any update?

*I love him and am trying to build a healthy marriage. He is a good man and we have been together for a very long time. *

He is not a good man. He is a stinken, rotten person.

When you are in a long term M, you hang on to what is familiar. 

I think you need to look at D for real.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. Every right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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