# Does divorce offer any relief after years of turmoil?



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Just another miserable day in the married life. Yeah I screwed it all up. WS here, but I gotta wonder.....even though I have been in this relationship for 20 years, 7 miserable beyond repair I think, does divorce offer a sense of relief? Even if you do love the person your married to? How do you crush your kids like that? Even though you go from constant fighting to barely talking and me trying my A$$ off and bing treated colder and colder. being told maybe I could impress him, and we are still together but I give him nothing to believe in. 

I want this, but doesnt there come a point? Please any divorced people let me know your feelings. Especially if your the one who messed it all up. 

I am so torn here.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Simply being away from the WS, Yes!*


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

unsureone,

I just read your backstory and I'm sorry that you and your BH seem to be unable to repair the M despite your efforts from the past 4 years.

If he cannot find a way to move past his anger and forgive, then you may eventually have to issue a final ultimatum to truly R or file for D...this angry limbo cannot continue indefinitely.

Does your BH seem more angry about the EA during M or the fact you slept with a person you knew he intensely disliked during the break before M?

I would venture to guess based on what you have written about him that it is the PA with a guy he despised and was jealous of.

That would be a tough one for any man....dealing with any OM is bad enough, but to know it was someone that a BH hated makes it MUCH worse...it would feel like an even bigger insult.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsureone,

Yes divorce does offer relief.

Since your husband does not seem to be doing much of anything to work towards recovery in the last 4 years, there is not much hope for recovery if he continues like this.

With a divorce, you could then work on yourself and recover as an individual.


----------



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> unsureone,
> 
> I just read your backstory and I'm sorry that you and your BH seem to be unable to repair the M despite your efforts from the past 4 years.
> 
> ...



For the record It wasn't a PA, we were broken up. Somehow in my head I thought only having sex was cheating. I was so WRONG. I see everything different. It's crazy what you think when your raised by cheaters and then when you grow up you think your not the same as them, because you didn't commit the sin in the flesh? 

But yes for a couple weeks now we are not fighting. He has totally shut me out. 

He can't handle that we have different life experiences. He's inferior to me? He said not just from before we met but since we have been together.


----------



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> unsureone,
> 
> Yes divorce does offer relief.
> 
> ...



I asked for a list to reconciliation. He didn't give one but wrote a letter telling me why he could not but told me he can not invest anymore in us. Said I could make a list of ideas and he may consider us again. So I asked him tonight some questions. And basically he has been done over a year. He's only in it for the kid's and can't live inferior to me. 

It's a train wreck. I am going to use this shut out time to get my head and emotions together to prepare for the d. 

How in the heck does late 30's girl even think about life after 20 years with SO. 

I know and fully accept this is all my fault. But I guess I had hope.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsureone said:


> I asked for a list to reconciliation. He didn't give one but wrote a letter telling me why he could not but told me he can not invest anymore in us. Said I could make a list of ideas and he may consider us again. So I asked him tonight some questions. And basically he has been done over a year. He's only in it for the kid's and can't live inferior to me.
> 
> It's a train wreck. I am going to use this shut out time to get my head and emotions together to prepare for the d.
> 
> ...


You were separated when you had the EA?

How long had you been separated? 
Why were you separated? 
Whose idea was it? 
Did you AND he think that the relationship was over when you went into this separation?
What were the circumstances of the two of you getting back together?

The reason I'm asking is I'm wondering if he had no intention of ever repairing your relationship and your EA is his excuse to stick to that plan.

If you thought you were separated and on the way to divorce, it sheds a very different light on the EA.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Other than suicide or homicide, divorce is sometimes the only thing that brings relief from years of turmoil.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce can offer you tremendous relief after years of grief and misery. It has its own challenges, but sometimes it offers the only path to finding happiness. I initiated two divorces, and never had a single moment's regret over either.


----------



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > I asked for a list to reconciliation. He didn't give one but wrote a letter telling me why he could not but told me he can not invest anymore in us. Said I could make a list of ideas and he may consider us again. So I asked him tonight some questions. And basically he has been done over a year. He's only in it for the kid's and can't live inferior to me.
> ...


Sorrry, struggling to use my phone with posting. It acts weird. 

No. I slept with the other guy when we were 18? And broke .. So I didn't know if we were going to get together? And the EA I had after our first child was born.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Divorce usually does provide relief - it did for me. And it is often better for the children, so they do not learn that relationships involve fighting, dysfunction, and unloving behaviors, because that is what they may emulate later in life. If either or both of you move on to have good relationships, that model will be a far better example for your kids.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Divorce can certainly provide relief for some and to others it’s just a way to get away from a problem.
Sure I could go into a speech about throwaway society etc. etc…But really the situation is different for each person and no one can really understand until they have walked a mile in their shoes.
Without assigning blame, the best thing you can do before you decide to split is to make sure that you are satisfied that you have done everything you could to heal/fix/cure the marriage.
If you can come to that agreement, it makes things a lot less tough in the end.

I am pro marriage but I understand that sometimes things are simply too broken, the other partner isn’t willing or it’s just not happening.
If you decide to split, try to be able to tell yourself that you truly gave it your best shot.

But…that’s me.
Your experience may be different.
In the end, it’s still a forcible rejection that most people don’t take very well.


----------

