# Mind Vice



## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Ladies, I need some help. I usually don't talk about my feelings, I usually bottle them up and then crush them with my mind vice. I've already broken that cycle a few times on this site and I think I'm getting comfortable. There are two women of interest in this scenario.

First woman: She's my best friend and I love her dearly, she knows things about me that my family doesn't even know. We've even told each other we love each other as friends, we've become friends after I got "friend zoned" a few years ago and we've been rockin' since then. Now, recently, she's told me that she loves me a few times and really seemed like she was driving it where I live, it struck a chord with me and I told her I love her to but I just said back but in a way that could be here or there as I'm not sure what she means. We've always said things to each other as if we were in a relationship but in a joking manner like calling each other "baby" and stuff like that. So, I'm kinda hesitant on which way to go with her. I've never had a problem with putting myself out there if it was any other woman but this is my best friend and I'm a little weary of jeopardizing that relationship that's already there. 

Second woman: I met her at work after I saw her and thought she was giving me "the eye" a little bit. I approached her and we exchanged numbers, come to find out, she has trust issues with men. I communicate with her to let her know that I'm interested but keep my distance a little bit to avoid being "friend zoned," the problem is that I want to help her get over those issues so we can move on because I really like her and think that we can get to the top together. I really need to figure out how to help her get over the trust issues without her seeing me as just a friend but I'm drawing a blank here. 

Ladies, I need some advice before I put these feelings in my mind vice and crush them.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not going to touch friend #1, but do yourself a favor with #2...she has to be the one to get over her own trust issues. Those are her own personal "demons", per se...and she has to be the one to deal with them. You can try all you like, but she'll just likely lump you into the "friend" category as well. You don't want a relationship with someone with issues like trust. And you can't fix that for her. All you can do is to be yourself, and keep a bit of distance. Don't become her confidant. That's when you get lumped into the "friend" category.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what i find interesting about your situation is that you are trying to help girl #2 get over her trust issues while deciding if you want to chance a relationship with girl #1. Girl #2's insecurity with you is obviously justified. you do not sound trust worthy because you sound confused and a little in denial.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> what i find interesting about your situation is that you are trying to help girl #2 get over her trust issues while deciding if you want to chance a relationship with girl #1. Girl #2's insecurity with you is obviously justified. you do not sound trust worthy because you sound confused and a little in denial.


I am confused, that's why I posted this thread. I don't think I've done anything for Woman #2 to be insecure as we barely talk and when we do, the conversations are a tremendously onesided as she doesn't talk which make me feel a bit awkward as I eventually run out of stuff to say. How many times can I say I do this, that, and the third? I'm not a "player" and I do my best not to give off that vibe.

Woman #1 is my friend first and foremost, I don't even think I'd take the shot at a relationship if I thought I had it because I value her friendship even more, I just needed some insight on what the hell's going on in her noggin'.

Also, I'd like to know what you mean by "you do not sound trust worthy."


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Also, I'd like to know what you mean by "you do not sound trust worthy."


From your two posts it sounds like you are sporadically dedicated to helping G2 with her trust issues while waiting to make a decision about G1 based on G1's intentions. that is what makes you untrustworthy. 

It sounds like you like Girl 1 more but you arent sure how she feels about you. Until you know how she feels and you make a definitive decision back off of the knight and shinning armor facade with Girl 2. You would be trust worthy if Girl 2 knew how you felt about Girl 1.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> From your two posts it sounds like you are sporadically dedicated to helping G2 with her trust issues while waiting to make a decision about G1 based on G1's intentions. that is what makes you untrustworthy.


I didn't know you can be sporadically dedicated, I'd have been doing it a long time ago. I wouldn't even call myself dedicated to it yet as I want to do it but I'd just end up being her friend and only her friend and I want to be more than friends with her. I'm not waiting to make a decision on Woman 1 but I wanted to make sure that there aren't any complications, I told you that Woman 1 is my best friend. Losing her would devastate me tremendously, so, I was more making sure that there wasn't anything there that would facilitate that. 



Blanca said:


> It sounds like you like Girl 1 more but you arent sure how she feels about you. Until you know how she feels and you make a definitive decision back off of the knight and shinning armor facade with Girl 2. You would be trust worthy if Girl 2 knew how you felt about Girl 1.


Of course I like Woman 1 more, I've know her longer and she's closer to me than many of my family. I'd let her use my heart to pump her blood if she needed it. I'm not backing off of any facade because I'm not putting one up, I'm not trying to be a "knight in shining armor" to anyone. There's simply no future in it, you want to know what happens to the knight in reality? He gets killed...by a dragon...with a fireball...that cooks him in his armor...and they send another knight to take his place. I'm just a man that likes a woman and wants to act on it but I don't want to cause anymore problems for her since she's already been through a lot and I don't want to be an addition to that. Telling Woman 2 about Woman 1 is irrelevant as my conversations with Woman 2 are, because of her past trauma, superficial at best consisting mainly of me trying to get her to open up. So, until she decides to open up, there's not much to talk about in that regard.

I wonder if I'd be going through all of this if I was a womanizer.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> I wonder if I'd be going through all of this if I was a womanizer.


This is the second time you've referred to yourself this way. i find it interesting since this hasnt even been implied. You must feel like a womanizer and its your guilty conscience talking. Ive been well aware from the start that you are a nice guy. it never crossed my mind that you were anything other then a nice guy. womanizers and players dont come on marriage forums to ask for advice. they also dont have long time friends that are girls.

I dont think you should try and get G2 to open up to you until you are 100% sure where you stand with G1. If you dont want to hurt her I think it is a bad idea to get her to open up before that is settled. You're just setting her up. Let a guy that is completely and 100% faithful to her do that. Otherwise, just stay friends with her and keep it superficial.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> This is the second time you've referred to yourself this way. i find it interesting since this hasnt even been implied. You must feel like a womanizer and its your guilty conscience talking.


This is why I hate forums, text messaging, etc., my cheeky brand of humor never comes across well unless I use one of those emoticons and I just don't have the time for that. See? I did it again. When was the first time?



Blanca said:


> Ive been well aware from the start that you are a nice guy. it never crossed my mind that you were anything other then a nice guy. womanizers and players dont come on marriage forums to ask for advice. they also dont have long time friends that are girls.
> 
> I dont think you should try and get G2 to open up to you until you are 100% sure where you stand with G1. If you dont want to hurt her I think it is a bad idea to get her to open up before that is settled. You're just setting her up. Let a guy that is completely and 100% faithful to her do that. Otherwise, just stay friends with her and keep it superficial.


Thanks, don't think that I'm not appreciative of your input. Also, a bit of a heads up, I spoke to Woman #1 and she didn't mean anything extra by it. Part of me is sad but I still have my BFFF.

I think you're right about Woman #2 as well, I'll let her work through her own issues. Given my track record, I'll still be available if and when she comes around anyway. Until then, it's time to go get shot down again! Are you with me?!

Interesting sidenote: I just had another female friend of mine tell me that I'd be great in a relationship and asked why am I single? I didn't really sweat it coming from her as she was in her current relationship when I met her but that gets really annoying at this point. Like, almost as annoying as when you click stop to keep the web page from going to the next but it goes anyway or when it stops half way then you refresh and you're still on the new page.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Hey, just thought I'd give an update, Woman #2 is now engaged, this happened while she and I were getting to know one another. Now, she knows that I liked her and that was why I approached her in the first place. I don't know much but I do know that you don't just get engaged out of the blue, especially to your "high school sweetheart" so why the hell did she give me her number or, at least, not mention it and state that this is only as friends. So much for those "trust issues with men." 

Woman #1 is back at it with the "I love you" talk after she clarified that she doesn't really mean anything by it other than as friends. Now she's revved it up and calls me "baby" and "boo."

I'm gonna go on ahead and admit that I'm now confused, more than you ladies previously thought. I'm this close to saying "@#$% it, I'm going to masturbate for the rest of my life." Any ideas?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Hey, just thought I'd give an update, Woman #2 is now engaged, this happened while she and I were getting to know one another. Now, she knows that I liked her and that was why I approached her in the first place. I don't know much but I do know that you don't just get engaged out of the blue, especially to your "high school sweetheart" so why the hell did she give me her number or, at least, not mention it and state that this is only as friends. So much for those "trust issues with men."
> 
> Woman #1 is back at it with the "I love you" talk after she clarified that she doesn't really mean anything by it other than as friends. Now she's revved it up and calls me "baby" and "boo."
> 
> I'm gonna go on ahead and admit that I'm now confused, more than you ladies previously thought. I'm this close to saying "@#$% it, I'm going to masturbate for the rest of my life." Any ideas?


I know it's the ladies forum, but I'd say, go for it with lady number one. Seriously. Even if she said that she didn't mean anything by it. She was most likely afraid of losing you at that time as well.

What you guys are in is way beyond the friend zone (woman not wanting to lose a guy friend, guy wants to date her) and more like a pseudo relationship. Now, if the attraction extends beyond the mental, just ask her out. You having doubts about where you stand will break it up anyway.

Seen this happen a lot. The moment someone asks what the other meant by I love you, it's already going downhill. Might as well give it a shot.

Either way, you wanted a woman's input, so I'll shut up now


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> I know it's the ladies forum, but I'd say, go for it with lady number one. Seriously. Even if she said that she didn't mean anything by it. She was most likely afraid of losing you at that time as well.
> 
> What you guys are in is way beyond the friend zone (woman not wanting to lose a guy friend, guy wants to date her) and more like a pseudo relationship. Now, if the attraction extends beyond the mental, just ask her out. You having doubts about where you stand will break it up anyway.
> 
> ...


I very much appreciate the input, don't shut up. She should know not to be afraid of losing me as a friend. The only way she could is if she killed my mother or something, that's how much I love her. I just thought we'd only ever be friends no matter how close and came to accept, value, and enjoy it. You really think I should because I don't want to lose her or anything.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> I very much appreciate the input, don't shut up. She should know not to be afraid of losing me as a friend. The only way she could is if she killed my mother or something, that's how much I love her. I just thought we'd only ever be friends no matter how close and came to accept, value, and enjoy it. You really think I should because I don't want to lose her or anything.


Well, if you really don't feel anything, and she doesn't, then don't. But just reading your story, it seems like more than supercloseawesomefriends (sorry, just making up funny words, no harm intended). But again, this is not my decision and I haven't seen you guys interact. All I have is a mental image.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Well, if you really don't feel anything, and she doesn't, then don't. But just reading your story, it seems like more than supercloseawesomefriends (sorry, just making up funny words, no harm intended). But again, this is not my decision and I haven't seen you guys interact. All I have is a mental image.


I've always felt something for her, I just understood the circumstances of that part wasn't going anywhere but we were becoming friends and went with that as I enjoyed that part a lot. I don't know if she's feeling anything really or what, I do plan to send her a gift for Valentine's Day because she's currently single and mentioned feeling a bit lonely and she sent me a Christmas card and, the idiot that I am, spaced on getting her one. Think that will break the ice any? Also I think you'd have have a better perspective than I do as my mental image is clouded by emotion. I could be looking more into it since I do have feelings for her. Your input is ultrafantasticwonderfulgreattothemax(top that).

To my defense on the card, she mailed it to me and I don't check my mailbox a lot since all of my important notices come to my email and my phone. She tried dropping a hint that I should check my mailbox by telling me the importance of checking the mailbox. I totally didn't check it anyway until she flat out demanded that I go check it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Hey, just thought I'd give an update, Woman #2 is now engaged...So much for those "trust issues with men."


That's random. Maybe she has trust issues not just because she's been cheated on but because she's also a cheater? who knows. 



MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Woman #1 is back at it with the "I love you" talk after she clarified that she doesn't really mean anything by it other than as friends. Now she's revved it up and calls me "baby" and "boo."
> 
> I'm gonna go on ahead and admit that I'm now confused, more than you ladies previously thought. I'm this close to saying "@#$% it, I'm going to masturbate for the rest of my life." Any ideas?


The only idea is to trust your gut. If you feel she is having stronger feelings for you then normal, then you are more then likely right. She's probably just as confused as you are.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Any mind vice = scary to me


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> the problem is that I want to help her get over those issues so we can move on because I really like her and think that we can get to the top together.


This is the part that most intrigued me. Especially considering your posts that followed about her getting engaged.

What indication did you have that this woman and you could 'get to the top together'? Especially when she wouldn't open up to you making it impossible for you to get to know her? Do you have a habit of reading more into situations than what is there? This is a blatant misread and it would be helpful to know where it came from.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. Ladies can get pissed at me for saying this, but that's ok.

Bud. Grow some freaking balls. Your displaying omega male traits, which is why your always friend zoned. Girl 1 only wants to be your friend because that's all your ever showing her. Girl 2 gave you her number but you took to freaking long in your indecision to make up your mind, so now she knows you yourself don't even have the confidence or strength to go after what you want, so who the he'll wants that as a boyfriend. She moved on, bud....

So, why the indecision. You know what you want, so don't be so afraid to go after it. It's not like you can't be a nice guy...just know what you want. Why are you so worried about losing your friendship? If you love her, go get her. Don't be so freaking worried about what might happen if u lose your friendship. Start thinking about what will happen as you date the girl your madly in love with, have an awesome relationship, get married, love each other, and start making little girl# 3, 4, and. 5 babies together!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with Alphaomega :iagree:


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> That's random. Maybe she has trust issues not just because she's been cheated on but because she's also a cheater? who knows.


I didn't stick around long enough to find out.



Blanca said:


> The only idea is to trust your gut. If you feel she is having stronger feelings for you then normal, then you are more then likely right. She's probably just as confused as you are.


Yeah, my gut says leave it alone, if she's feeling anything, she can say something because I've asked her once and she recoilled. 




Trenton said:


> Any mind vice = scary to me


Figure of speech, in other words, I tend to suppress my emotion.




Janie said:


> This is the part that most intrigued me. Especially considering your posts that followed about her getting engaged.
> 
> What indication did you have that this woman and you could 'get to the top together'? Especially when she wouldn't open up to you making it impossible for you to get to know her? Do you have a habit of reading more into situations than what is there? This is a blatant misread and it would be helpful to know where it came from.


Well, as far as the trust issues/engaged thing goes. I believe she was still talking to her "high school sweetheart" while I was speaking to her. She didn't even tell me, I found out. 

Well, I believe I can make it to the top with anywoman that wouldn't poison the relationship. I see that a lot where I'm from, one party of the relationship looks to be going places but the other part does nothing but hold them back. A lot of the relationships are also accidental, like my parents. I don't think they'd have been together as long as they have if they didn't have me at such a young age but all they do is argue and work against each other sometimes but they're still together amazingly. From the few encounters we had before that, she seemed like she was the opposite of the women I see everyday. Guess I was wrong. 



alphaomega said:


> Ok. Ladies can get pissed at me for saying this, but that's ok.
> 
> Bud. Grow some freaking balls. Your displaying omega male traits, which is why your always friend zoned. Girl 1 only wants to be your friend because that's all your ever showing her. Girl 2 gave you her number but you took to freaking long in your indecision to make up your mind, so now she knows you yourself don't even have the confidence or strength to go after what you want, so who the he'll wants that as a boyfriend. She moved on, bud....
> 
> ...


Hell, son, if you knew where I grew up, you wouldn't question my testicular fortitude. Also, I'm not an omega male, I'm a male, please don't try to define me. If you define me, you limit me and what's with all of these male traits? I've heard of Alpha and Beta but I didn't know there was an Omega, is there a Psi and Chi? What about Iota?

Back to the topic at hand, Woman #1 shot me down when we first met and I don't back track. Whenever a woman shoots me down, that's about it, I move on. My indecision would stem from the fact that boys where I'm from aren't raised to be emotional men. "Shut up before I give you something to cry about" was not just a figure of speech, if I cried after getting my a$$ whupped by a parent, I'd get another a$$-whupping. If this was just a thought process, I'd probably be telling how all of this ended by now. 

On to woman #2, you mean to tell me that she got engaged in a month? I mean, I've heard of women getting a boyfriend because a guy took to long but I had her number for a month and she got engaged. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> I agree with Alphaomega :iagree:


Damn, you too?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Have to agree as well about dating her, not so much on the balls thing. Seriously, really seems like you two are petamacrobigassmegalicous crazy (did I top it?) about eachother, but just don't realize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Damn, you too?


It just seems to me you are "holding back" - if either of these girls were someone you "wanted" for yourself. To post about it, I am assuming so. 

You have to realize something ....when these women find a man who is pursuing them with much gusto & wins their hearts with persistence -however they may woo them & draw them in (Plenty of books you can buy to help with this), these close friendships you are worried about loosing - will be falling by the wayside anyway!! More crushing. Their men will be putting a stop to any close male friendships, especially if you are good looking, they will see YOU as a possible threat. 

This is why I agreed with AlphaOmega - Go for it with all you have, if you get blown out of the water, move on to the next one. Plenty of fish in the sea. 

My husband is a very passive guy, he is not aggressive or assertive much at all, but even back in the day when he didn't even have much confidence & had his fair share of dumpings, he still Pursued me - asked me to be his girl (expecting to get blown out of the water accually) , how funny that is -he tells me years later. But he went for it anyway, expressed how he felt! It worked. 

Take a chance, spread your wings. Many many different women out there, find her. Forget these passing friendships. IF you want these woman, Let them KNOW how you feel. If you never show your emotion in these ways to them, well, it will be a sad day when they find a man who will & take notice .


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Take a chance, spread your wings. Many many different women out there, find her. Forget these passing friendships. IF you want these woman, Let them KNOW how you feel. If you never show your emotion in these ways to them, well, it will be a sad day when they find a man who will & take notice .


Exactly! I didn't mean you didn't "have" any balls (or maybe I did, I don't know..but you've explained that you do have them)! Just show them! Don't overanalyze, friend. Just go for it. Go get her (Girl 1). You want her, she wants you! What more do you want?! If you try everything and she still just wants to be friends then time for Girl #3.

Forget about Girl 2, IMO. It sounds like you're already trying to forget about her because of this "surprise" engagement. And, as soon as I was told that little piece of information, I would be moving on too.

Or, go find Girl #3 now. If you don't like backtracking then maybe that's the only option.

Good Luck!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband is a very passive guy, he is not aggressive or assertive much at all, but even back in the day when he didn't even have much confidence & had his fair share of dumpings, he still Pursued me - asked me to be his girl (expecting to get blown out of the water accually) , how funny that is -he tells me years later. But he went for it anyway, expressed how he felt! It worked.


Wasn't it because he was soo head over heels for you that this feeling won over his inhibitions? 

I think, Misguided Miscreant, that if you really were head over heels for the girl, you wouldn't be asking. You'd be doing. I think that because of that, odds are if you proceed with the romantic relationship plan with her it isn't going to have a major chance of becoming a permanent deal  Just my take.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Have to agree as well about dating her, not so much on the balls thing. Seriously, really seems like you two are petamacrobigassmegalicous crazy (did I top it?) about eachother, but just don't realize it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Judges? Ding!

Yes, of course, you're right. As always, your advice is blazingdynamiterubikswingterrifc.(Ha!)



SimplyAmorous said:


> It just seems to me you are "holding back" - if either of these girls were someone you "wanted" for yourself. To post about it, I am assuming so.
> 
> You have to realize something ....when these women find a man who is pursuing them with much gusto & wins their hearts with persistence -however they may woo them & draw them in (Plenty of books you can buy to help with this), these close friendships you are worried about loosing - will be falling by the wayside anyway!! More crushing. Their men will be putting a stop to any close male friendships, especially if you are good looking, they will see YOU as a possible threat.
> 
> ...


Know what? I didn't think of that, some jacka$$ would try to end our friendship just like any woman I may find would too. So, really, there's is no reason that I shouldn't try. 



alphaomega said:


> Exactly! I didn't mean you didn't "have" any balls (or maybe I did, I don't know..but you've explained that you do have them)! Just show them! Don't overanalyze, friend. Just go for it. Go get her (Girl 1). You want her, she wants you! What more do you want?! If you try everything and she still just wants to be friends then time for Girl #3.
> 
> Forget about Girl 2, IMO. It sounds like you're already trying to forget about her because of this "surprise" engagement. And, as soon as I was told that little piece of information, I would be moving on too.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you're right on both counts, I just watched "Fight Club" and I do feel a little aggressive...sh!t, I just broke the first rule. Anyway, Woman #2 I've been avoiding like the plague, ended all contact because I refuse to be the other man, I'd have to kick my own a$$.

Anyway, I'm going for it, I'll let you know how it works out tomorrow.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Absolutely Adore Edward Norton -"Fight club" a Great movie! 

I asked my husband tonight - I often discuss things I read on here & say, so I asked him WHY, since he was so shy he asked me to go with him SO fast upon meeting me. It was probably less than 2 weeks of our 1st hellos, I barely even knew him, a few talks in the cafeteia was all we had. All I remember is this sweet guy with this HUGE grin on his face every time he seen me in the halls. I was not even sure what to say when He asked, it was awkward. But I figured what the heck, he was cute enough! 

Anyway, he said 2 things...., he knew if he didnt ask, someone else would & snatch me away and he said "if you snooze, you loose". Also he added he didn't want to be "Friend Zoned", -even though he was not familiar with the term back then. 

'Just Friends" - a movie all about it & the struggle to become "lovers" after you have been Friend Zoned. 

Good for you. Hope to hear she is as receptive to your advances as some of us think !


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Absolutely Adore Edward Norton -"Fight club" a Great movie!
> 
> I asked my husband tonight - I often discuss things I read on here & say, so I asked him WHY, since he was so shy he asked me to go with him SO fast upon meeting me. It was probably less than 2 weeks of our 1st hellos, I barely even knew him, a few talks in the cafeteia was all we had. All I remember is this sweet guy with this HUGE grin on his face every time he seen me in the halls. I was not even sure what to say when He asked, it was awkward. But I figured what the heck, he was cute enough!
> 
> ...


Sweet, I love that movie, "Just Friends." I definitely don't know anything about any Fight Clubs or Project Mayhem.

I'm going in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Well, I told her but we couldn't really get into it since I was at my lawyer's office(car accident), she's at work and I'm moseying on in as well. I'll keep you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Well, at least the Steelers won. Bang! Bang!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Well, at least the Steelers won. Bang! Bang!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not from the US, but does this mean you talked to her and it didn't go well?


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> I'm not from the US, but does this mean you talked to her and it didn't go well?


Right, she said that she doesn't want to hurt me. She knows that the relationship would start off great but she knows that she's a ****ed up person and would only end up hurting me. I really don't give a **** if she is, we're all ****ed up people. The whole point of life is trying not to be ****ed up, at least, that's how I live. Anyway, I told that I wanted to be with her and that anytime I see myself having any success in life and I look at the woman next to me, it's her. There's more I have to say but I have to get back to work. I hope she doesn't think this is over. Jumpin' on is a whole lot easier than jumpin' off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Right, she said that she doesn't want to hurt me. She knows that the relationship would start off great but she knows that she's a ****ed up person and would only end up hurting me. I really don't give a **** if she is, we're all ****ed up people. The whole point of life is trying not to be ****ed up, at least, that's how I live. Anyway, I told that I wanted to be with her and that anytime I see myself having any success in life and I look at the woman next to me, it's her. There's more I have to say but I have to get back to work. I hope she doesn't think this is over. Jumpin' on is a whole lot easier than jumpin' off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, and as Eddie Murphy said in Raw:

Get somebody you gonna be
with forever.

Find somebody perfect for you.

I'm not saying they're perfect people.
I'm saying we ain't perfect.

Find somebody just as ****ed up
as you are and settle down.

Truer words have never been spoken.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Yeah, and as Eddie Murphy said in Raw:
> 
> Get somebody you gonna be
> with forever.
> ...


I'm sorry for cursing, I think I'm emotional. How do I know? Anyway, I know this is the woman for me. I was talking it over with a friend of mine and she's using the "I don't want to hurt you" thing as an excuse, she's hiding from me behind me. I told her that we are friends first and foremost, I told her that she's the only person that I feel this way about. I told her that there is no way that she can hurt me, the worst things that have ever been said to me have been said by my mother. I love her too much to let us hurt each other. Despite that I'm about to be 26, I'm very old school, I don't believe in ending relationships on something flaky. When she shot me down, it took me a while to shake it off. My stellar performance at work took a nose dive for a while. I mean, why would she assume that our relationship would sour when all we do is bring joy to each other. My face brights up from the sound of her voice, even from her text messages and I hate texting. I know this is a lot but I think I'm finally opening up to what I'm feeling, I mean, I could stomach it if she told that it was another man or she just wasn't feeling me in a relationship way but she just doesn't want to hurt me. *LIFE IS PAIN* anyone that tells you different is selling something.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Friend...

I feel bad for you. But in the end, now you know (if that's any consolation). It sure beats the sh*t that was going on in your mind before you asked her, because your imagination makes everything about 1000 times more crazy!!! (not that your not feeling this isn't crazy enough).

And bud, 26 is not OLD SCHOOL!!! Your young, your vibrant. Now...go get yours and be happy! It may take a while, but your going to do it!

Cheers, and be strong, and take care of yourself!

And remember...this isn't the END. Pursue her! Keep at her! Woo her! Maybe you'll break through whatever reservations she has. You just never know!


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Friend...
> 
> I feel bad for you. But in the end, now you know (if that's any consolation). It sure beats the sh*t that was going on in your mind before you asked her, because your imagination makes everything about 1000 times more crazy!!! (not that your not feeling this isn't crazy enough).
> 
> ...


I haven't been sulking through the night, I've been planning my next move. You don't have to feel bad, you should feel honored. You and everyone else that replied on this thread are now generals in the army of my heart, welcome to my Love Attack Zone.

Now, I made an initial full frontal assault but she mounted a solid defense. That Valentine's Day gift I was planning is now an ambush, how do I lead her into it without tipping my hand?

Also, I meant that I'm old school in my approach to relationships. For example, I don't believe in divorce for any reason other than infidelity. If one of us is unhappy then we're just going have to work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Ok, I just told her: 

"You say you'll hurt me, I say you always hurt the ones you love. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where you couldn't hurt me. I don't think we should focus on not hurting each other, we should focus on being there for each other and working together if we do."

How does that sound?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Ok, I just told her:
> 
> "You say you'll hurt me, I say you always hurt the ones you love. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where you couldn't hurt me. I don't think we should focus on not hurting each other, we should focus on being there for each other and working together if we do."
> 
> ...


I don't know about the last sentence. Sounds a bit whiney to me. Just tell her that you won't give up or something, even if she hurts you. Tell her that you won't stop pursuing her, won't let another man take her away from you and you damn sure will do everything in your power to make it work. Or something like that.

Sorry, never been much of a smooth talker. Just told my gf how I really felt and well, it worked.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> I don't know about the last sentence. Sounds a bit whiney to me. Just tell her that you won't give up or something, even if she hurts you. Tell her that you won't stop pursuing her, won't let another man take her away from you and you damn sure will do everything in your power to make it work. Or something like that.
> 
> Sorry, never been much of a smooth talker. Just told my gf how I really felt and well, it worked.


Does it? Damn, anyway, I'm thinking of backing off slightly until Valentine's Day until I bring out the whammy. What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You won't probably care for my advice (below), although I think it is *wonderful* you opened up -finally-- and showed her this side of your feelings & your heart. 

So she doesn't want to hurt you. One could take this as the truth if she is indeed REALLY screwed up and has very low self -esteem or one could take this as one of the easier let downs women generally do - to make it NOT about YOU (as to hurt you) but about her. 

What do you think? Is her self -esteem SO VERY low & you believe her words or is she trying to be nice in letting you down- that you are just a friend & that is all she wants & will ever want?

If you think she is dear Johning you in the nicest way she can without huring you, it is time to look for girl #3 , #4 , possibly #5 & #6. * If anything can get the attention of a woman's heart, even if she THINKS she is just friends, it IS a little competition & good ol' jealousy!!! *Don't be too nice, you are 26 & you want to marry someday. Pining over her is likely not going to do it. Keep the friendship but openly pursue others during. 

Just some food for thought.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If you think she is dear Johning you in the nicest way she can without huring you, it is time to look for girl #3 , #4 , possibly #5 & #6. * If anything can get the attention of a woman's heart, even if she THINKS she is just friends, it IS a little competition & good ol' jealousy!!! *Don't be too nice, you are 26 & you want to marry someday. Pining over her is likely not going to do it. Keep the friendship but openly pursue others during.


Good stuff. Two approaches you can take. You know what she is like. So either go after her relentlessly or don't and let her come to you. You know her best, so decide.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You won't probably care for my advice (below), although I think it is *wonderful* you opened up -finally-- and showed her this side of your feelings & your heart.
> 
> So she doesn't want to hurt you. One could take this as the truth if she is indeed REALLY screwed up and has very low self -esteem or one could take this as one of the easier let downs women generally do - to make it NOT about YOU (as to hurt you) but about her.
> 
> ...


I like your advice, thanks. I think you're right but I hate being let down easy, just tell me that you don't see me that way and that will be the end of things. You don't want to hurt me leaves a door open. 

She doesn't have a low self-esteem as far a I know, we're like mirror images of each other and I'm very self-confident. Name someone and I can tell you at least five ways that I'm better than they are. 

I understand the jealousy concept but I don't think it's fair to me, my friend, or the other girl. It's not fair to the other girl because I'm just using her, not fair to my friend because I'm playing emotional games with her, it's not fair to me because I'm dividing myself between two women. If I move on then I should just move on which is what I'm going to do. She just completely shut down today and hasn't replied since I sent her that text earlier today. I'm looking back on our relationship or lack thereof and I think it's the same case with some of those women in the infedility thread on this forum where she wants me to be there for support and sh!t. Don't think I'm starting to hate her but I don't think that she and I will go any further in that aspect. As I said, we'll always be friends. Besides, if I do that, she'll just be happy for me so that wouldn't work. Now, on to the subject of finding another woman, there are a lot of nice looking temps at the job walking around lately, I may take a shot at one that I thought was giving me the eye a little bit but I'm still gun shy after that last fiasco. She was @#$%in' engaged, how do you not mention that? Anyway, does anyone have any advice on this tunnel vision that I have? My friend tells me that sometimes I don't notice when women actually show me signs that they're a little bit receptive of me. I need to broaden my focus, how do I do that?



Draguna said:


> Good stuff. Two approaches you can take. You know what she is like. So either go after her relentlessly or don't and let her come to you. You know her best, so decide.


Yeah, I'm moving on, I did what I had to do. My greatest fear was that ten, twenty, thirty years down the road we'd be wondering what could've been. I did what I had to do. Who knows, maybe when I'm in Hollywood(oh, my dream is to be an actor/writer) in a year, I'll still be single and she'll be a different person. I don't like those Hollywood type women anyway.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I've read the whole thread & I'm not sure how much I can add except one seemingly minor detail which went 'BING' in my brain when I read it - she insisted you look in your mailbox. Now whether self confident or not, screwed up or not, yadda yadda, that sounds like someone who wants to make sure her gesture has not gone unnoticed. Make of it what you will. 
And whether you succeed in moving yourself on or not, good luck!


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I've read the whole thread & I'm not sure how much I can add except one seemingly minor detail which went 'BING' in my brain when I read it - she insisted you look in your mailbox. Now whether self confident or not, screwed up or not, yadda yadda, that sounds like someone who wants to make sure her gesture has not gone unnoticed. Make of it what you will.
> And whether you succeed in moving yourself on or not, good luck!


I don't know what to make of that, what does that say to you? I'm still planning on getting her a Valentine's Day Gift but I don't think it's going to be on the same level as I planned originally. She actually responded to me, she was sick yesterday and had to leave work. I'm still not sweating it anymore, I said my piece. 

I'm still not hearing any suggestions on how to break myself out of this tunnel vision so that I can take notice of other women when they pass. Look alive, we're still in the Love Attack Zone, people. The directives have just changed.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

We texted each other on my way to work and I mentioned how windy it is. She replied "...maybe the wind can blow you this way." I made a joke but that was it, I didn't respond further.

Well, I gotta get back to work, lunch doesn't last forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you are very self confident as you say you are, I guess I am not understanding your struggle. If they Look good, ask them out ! So what if they turn you down, the more you ask, the more dates you will get! All a game of numbers, chances, what if's. Dont' think about it so much. You are young, you need to play the field, experience alot of women. 

I tell my son this advice all the time, but he insists on just being friends cause he thinks dating is wrong somehow. Time will tell. I think now he should be doing much exploring & getting to know many women. So you can be my son on this forum !! ha Ha 

I know nothing at all about this book, but I adore the Auther, cause he wrote "Boundaries" , I know this is likely christian based, you being old fashioned may agree with the tactics. Amazon.com: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (9780310262657): Henry Cloud: Books


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If you are very self confident as you say you are, I guess I am not understanding your struggle. If they Look good, ask them out ! So what if they turn you down, the more you ask, the more dates you will get! All a game of numbers, chances, what if's. Dont' think about it so much. You are young, you need to play the field, experience alot of women.
> 
> I tell my son this advice all the time, but he insists on just being friends cause he thinks dating is wrong somehow. Time will tell. I think now he should be doing much exploring & getting to know many women. So you can be my son on this forum !! ha Ha
> 
> I know nothing at all about this book, but I adore the Auther, cause he wrote "Boundaries" , I know this is likely christian based, you being old fashioned may agree with the tactics. Amazon.com: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (9780310262657): Henry Cloud: Books


Yeah, I hear what you're saying, mama. There's not a confidence issue, I think I'm not equipped for the current climate. For example, I think that a lot of men today are really girly(skinny leg jeans) but they seem to pick up a lot of woman with their mohawks and stuff. I just don't get it. Anyway, I think that a lot of my self-confidence equates to turning women off in a weird way. For example, my confidence allows me to just be myself and I seem as if I don't take things as serious because I don't let things get to me and tend to make light of them so women think that I'm just some clown or something. I don't see the point in acting all stuffy when a problem arises, I just solve it. Case closed, let's move on. The times that women become most receptive of me is whenever someone forces me to put them in their place. Case in point, when I was at work a few years ago, I thought one of my coworkers got a little cross with me and I was in no mood at the time. Long story short, they seperated us before it got out of hand but the whole day every woman in there was flirting with me every chance they got. I will check out the book, though.


You have to be the coolest mama ever. "Go out and get that booty, son."
Also, still not hearing anything on ending the tunnel vision.


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