# Is this a male thing or just my husband?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Today I was the one who told him about the terror attack in Boston.

His response was just "that is terrible, what is wrong w/people".

I said maybe a few more things and was upset later about the child that was killed and he said "yeah that is messed up, sad". Maybe I am just overly emotional because I'm pregnant but I hate that he doesn't say more or talk more about how tragic it is. I don't even know for sure what I would want as an ideal response but more than just a response to what I say.

This is how he usually responds when we talk about ANY tragic story in the news. Then I think, does he have no emotions? What is wrong with him? Does he not have more compassion? Unless something is directly related to him, he never seems that 'affected' by news stories or anything. I know he is not a super emotional guy at all (if anything he is much more even or just overly sarcastic, he grew up with an abusive dad and learned to be more 'quiet' and not speak until spoken to). I know all of our childhoods were not perfect but sometimes I wonder, WHY does he not have more emotions, its very frustrating. I want our children to see that its ok that Daddy expresses feelings too.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Well ... my wife is far more emotional than I am ... but these things choke me up. Her response to these type of things is a lot like your husbands. I can still well up when I see some of the 9/11 videos but my wife ... nothing. I think one of the reasons is that it doesn't affect her. She recognizes it is tragic ... but it is a million miles away in her mind and there is no point to her to invest herself in it.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well ... my wife is far more emotional than I am ... but these things choke me up. Her response to these type of things is a lot like your husbands. I can still well up when I see some of the 9/11 videos but my wife ... nothing. I think one of the reasons is that it doesn't affect her. She recognizes it is tragic ... but it is a million miles away in her mind and there is no point to her to invest herself in it.


Yeah I think he does this too. Plus maybe more desensitized because there are (or seem like there are) more news stories like this now (terrorism and other acts of violence  )


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband ever been in the military?

His reaction is not just a guy thing. I'm a woman and I react the same way to many of these things. This sort of thing is going on all over the world every day. There are hundreds, if not thousands of terrorist attacks a year in the world. This has been going on for decades.

Years ago we got mostly only local news. Now news from all over the world comes to us daily. And the worst news for the day, worldwide, becomes the headline news.

Your husband probably does feel as much as you do about these things. He just does not allow it to take him over. He has learned to handle his emotions in a very different way than you do. There is nothing wrong with how you handle things like this. There is nothing wrong with how he does.

It's a good idea to learn to accept your spouse for who he is and not pick part and criticize him.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Has your husband ever been in the military?
> 
> His reaction is not just a guy thing. I'm a woman and I react the same way to many of these things. This sort of thing is going on all over the world every day. There are hundreds, if not thousands of terrorist attacks a year in the world. This has been going on for decades.
> 
> ...



Yes you are right...its been a rough few days. I don't know, the combination of him being sick, our kids being...well toddlers and me being pregnant. We all have not had great sleep either, I know a marriage can ebb and flow, I'm just waiting for the tides to shift a bit again :scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Yes you are right...its been a rough few days. I don't know, the combination of him being sick, our kids being...well toddlers and me being pregnant. We all have not had great sleep either, I know a marriage can ebb and flow, I'm just waiting for the tides to shift a bit again :scratchhead:


What happened in Boston today is horrible. The professionals are taking care of it. 

It sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your family right now. 

I have gone through periods of time when I don't read the news because I don't want to get upset. I know that I cannot fix the world or control it. So I put my focus on my family and myself. Maybe this is a good time for you to do this.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> Today I was the one who told him about the terror attack in Boston.
> 
> His response was just "that is terrible, what is wrong w/people"....
> 
> WHY does he not have more emotions, its very frustrating. I want our children to see that its ok that Daddy expresses feelings too.


OP,

It could just be that your husband does not show his emotions as readily as you do. I know I make a conscious effort to keep my emotions under control especially when talking about tragedies like this that hit home to us all.


----------



## Jax10 (Oct 22, 2012)

I react similarly. I think men tend to react that way more so (but not exclusively) than women. 

I am similar to your husband in that while these are bad events, I don't feel it. I mean, I'm very sorry for the people who were in Boston and got hurt and I hope we catch and punish the people who did it. But beyond that, I wasn't there. 

As a parent, I've never worried about my kids seeing me as emotional or not. In fact, I want them to focus on the logical side of things. That isn't to say my wife is not logical or that emotions are bad, it just is merely a different way to look at it. And frankly when it comes down to it, there are some things that make us all very emoitional. Perhaps they just need to be a little closer home to him.

For whatever it is worth, maybe it has something to do with how your husband grew up or life experiences before you. Maybe he made a conscious decision at some point to look things his way. Just a thought.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Jax10 said:


> I react similarly. I think men tend to react that way more so (but not exclusively) than women.
> 
> I am similar to your husband in that while these are bad events, I don't feel it. I mean, I'm very sorry for the people who were in Boston and got hurt and I hope we catch and punish the people who did it. But beyond that, I wasn't there.
> 
> ...



Yes the only time I've seen him show real emotion like sadness is when one of our dogs got really sick and almost didnt make it. Otherwise he keeps it in (of course he shows other emotions like anger in an argument, happy when something goes well for us or our kids etc). What you first stated "I feel sorry for the people there" but you weren't there is how he thinks (I'm pretty sure of it at least).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

He has no connection to the event, I think his reaction was appropriate.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

He said it was "terrible" and "what's wrong with people" and it's "sad".

Just because someone, anyone doesn't break down in tears shouldn't mean they aren't empathetic. I agree with what Brock said above. I wouldn't read too much into it...even with his sad family background. THAT is what just made me sad reading this thread moreso than watching the news this morning.

Why? Because it's similar to my own story. See the difference?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I watched the news coverage as soon as I got home and kept watching it, I confess it brought tears to my eyes. My wife went out to the front room and got on her computer, didn't seem to phase her one bit


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm a lot like your husband. Something might tear me up on the inside, but you would never know it. I am pretty sure I know why I'm like this.

When I was a child and got upset, my parents would either scold me or make fun of me. It doesjn't take long to realize to keep it from showing.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> This is how he usually responds when we talk about ANY tragic story in the news. Then I think, does he have no emotions? What is wrong with him? Does he not have more compassion?


Sorry, yellowstar, that is a terrible thing to think about your husband. Just because he doesn't express his emotions doesn't mean he doesn't have them. He's human. He has them. He deals with them the way men often do. 

From following the news it seems that men more often rush in to help accident victims, complete strangers to them. I'd wager that most of them are calm and non-emotional. Yet acting to help a stranger in need is a compassionate act.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Do you tend get very emotional in general not just while pregnant? It could be he's try to keep himself together because he thinks, well, one of you two needs to. Kind of a protector instinct. (Not saying that's what he's doing just a possibility.)


----------



## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

There's nothing wrong with your husband. 

The first instinct for many males when they learn of something terrible is to take action:

fight
flight
how can I fix this?
what emergency action do I need to take right now?

Those are pretty hard to do if you break down into a blubbering pile of goo when you hear tragic news. Consequently, the natural instinct for many men is to suppress their emotions at those times.

I know I tend to do that. It's only long after the event when I have a quite moment to reflect on it that my emotions come out. 

IMHO, this instinct is a survival trait that evolved in men over millennia. If a bear wandered into a caveman's family cave and mauled one of the children he could either get all emotional and cry about it, or suppress his feelings and (1) rescue the child from the bear, and (2) kill or drive off the bear so nobody else would be injured by it.


----------



## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

When I heard the news about the Boston bombings my reaction was the same as your husbands. However when I was watching 9/11 news coverage when it happened, my reaction was quite different. The difference in the two is that as I watched the 9/11 reporting, I was less than an hour away from the place, saw caravans of emergency vehicles heading toward the site, could hear fighter jets scrambling over the skies and personally knew several people who worked in the buildings (and who ultimately perished).

The difference is that I had a personal connection to one event and not the other.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Blue Firefly said:


> Those are pretty hard to do if you break down into a blubbering pile of goo when you hear tragic news. Consequently, the natural instinct for many men is to suppress their emotions at those times.


Not only that, but how many women would find an emotional, weepy, red-eyed man to be at least slightly off putting.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I had the exact same reaction as your hubby Yellowstar.

I don't think its just me... I find that men just tend to be less empathic than women. To me, this is normal. Terrible things happen, and most men don't generally dwell on them unless affected personally.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is the one who mentioned what happened yesterday TO ME... talking about it 1st, I was online here.. .and didn't even pay all that much attention... later last night we watched the news.....I didnt cry ... just felt ....as we often do......"People are F'ked up"...and we both went on how we're glad we live in our own little hole in the ground away from the Big city where a Lunatic could be lurking around any given corner with a bomb in his hand. .... that was pretty much both our attitudes...

Maybe we are just *Desensitized* to the News of the day...rarely do you hear of anything good....Though I have gotten emotional watching school shootings...and hearing the parents talk afterwards of their loss. Such tragedies.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Try to remember that it's not up to you to decide how people SHOULD react to anything. That same logic can easily apply to you; you do not want someone else to be able to decide if you're upset enough because that's a slippery slope. If your husband had shown indifference or happiness I'd be concerned but he said it was terrible. Also remember that terrible things happen in the world all the time and if you go to pieces everytime something terrible happens you'll have a breakdown. Far more important that you know if his value system is in line with yours, which it appears to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

As a man i am the same way. I don't think it's that we care less, but we feel that we must always stay stoic and strong to provide stable support for our women and children. 

If we seem unsteady or turn into blubbering fools, we feel like we are not providing the strong rock those among us rely on. Inside we feel torn apart and our natural instict is to be strong and be ready to fight if needed. 

Your man is being strong for you, and he doesn't recognize it any different way and he surely doesn't see it the way you do.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you all, reading this definitely makes me feel like we're 'normal' (whatever that is  )

Sometimes males are hard to understand, especially when you're pregnant and sometimes an emotional mess! :banghead:


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yellowstar, you may be an Empath, I am one, I cried so much when I saw the picture of the boy who passed, I tend to get very emotional and feel for others suffering. I try to getaway from the news. I can obsess with missing children's stories and well here on this board I wish I could end some of the pain for some posters.

Or it can be that you are pregnant and we tend to be more emotional.

People just have different ways if feeling and expressing their emotions or your husband my be wanting protect you so he avoids taking about the subject. (mine does ) 

Either way my heart and Prayers go out the the victims.



EmpathS are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers


----------



## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

The events were terrible and I feel bad about them.

However, I still had to get up and go to work today.

I don't know if it is a male thing, but I do compartmentalize stuff. Nothing I can do about Boston; not the first bombing and probably not the last. I just keep an eye on the news and deal with the things at hand.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I totally disagree with the idea that men are more stoic because they've evolved to be the protectors. Crying or reacting emotionally to bad news has nothing to do with a person's response to an unfolding emergency. They're two entirely different situations.

In an actual emergency, I'm the one snapping into action. My husband is the one who freezes. Hearing about sad things that have already happened and require no action on my part will make me sad or cry, but will evoke little response in my husband. How we respond to past events (even recent past) has, in my experience, no relationship to how we react in the moment.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Has your husband ever been in the military?
> 
> His reaction is not just a guy thing. I'm a woman and I react the same way to many of these things. This sort of thing is going on all over the world every day. There are hundreds, if not thousands of terrorist attacks a year in the world. This has been going on for decades.




Not to hijack the thread, but you hit the nail on the head for me. 

I am in the military, and I just didn't think the story was that big a deal. Then later at the gym, it was playing non-stop on every network, even ESPN. Even the President made a speech. Checked the news today and it was still playing on all of them. I couldn't believe that. 

Part of my job when I was deployed was to process reports of attacks and I've just gone through so many, like sometimes as many as 20 a day, I can't even remember each specific one. This bomb in Boston would be such a minor blip on the radar that it's not even funny. After awhile, I just couldn't be fazed by any of them, except on the rare times I saw the damage first-hand, or the reports included particularly gruesome details. In 2006, remember reading one report of how an 8 year-old boy was tortured and murdered by insurgents and that really shook me.

I swear I'm not trying to diminish anyone else's loss, but it's illustrative that on the very same day, a series of bombings in Iraq killed 56 people and it was barely noticed by the media: Iraq bombing wave kills dozens days before vote - World - CBC News

I'm sure many of them were innocent children too, and their lives are just as valuable as any American. Yet, that report was completely drowned out by the Boston marathon bombing.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Emotions are a funny thing....we all grew up under varying circumstances, environments and with different parental influences. We all "feel" at different degrees and according to the circumstances. My husband tears uo everytime he sees the movie ghost with Demi Moore....I tear up at the end of Cinema Paradiso (sp?)...we are different however we feel. It's true everyday there is a tragedy somewhere around the world. You are pregnant...your baby feels what you feel....make it glorious...clasical music, funny movies with laughter...walks outside....sing and hum to your favorite music...make love...enjoy your food....be happy for your baby and your family....


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

and pray for the mother of the eight year old that died. we are all mothers...we empathize..we have compassion


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm a guy and I've never been an emotional person and don't express it like some think i should. 




Theseus said:


> Not to hijack the thread, but you hit the nail on the head for me.
> 
> I am in the military, and I just didn't think the story was that big a deal. Then later at the gym, it was playing non-stop on every network, even ESPN. Even the President made a speech. Checked the news today and it was still playing on all of them. I couldn't believe that.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. Obviously, something hurts more if it hits home, so to speak, but the media often acts like the whole world should stop when something bad happens in the U.S., but as you pointed out, worse things happen all over the world and it sometimes barely gets noticed.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I brought this up to my husband again today...he showed being somewhat upset.. we both kinda have a righteous anger about us...if we were King of the land...one damn thing is for sure...we wouldn't be "bleeding hearts" for the people behind these atrocities... we believe in JUSTICE for the victims... why this is so heartbreaking, as nothing can bring this about....2 of our sons are runners, he said "what if there were there"...

He just said he'd hang them by their balls... the sickness in some people utterly disgusts him....but what can we really do... Other than live the best we can in our own small circle of influence..... and let the crazy world continue on it's axis.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Around 7,000 people die per day in the USA. None of them counts more than any other. 

Yet the national government and media cover a small number of deaths 24/7 that fit into their extremely selective definition of the national agenda.

The same is true with missing persons. An average of 2,300 reported per DAY. But it is only the perfect, pretty little blonde upper class girl who merits 24/7 news coverage while every poor black child is ignored. 

Since the War on a battle tactic is now our number one national agenda, to consume extremely disproportionate amounts of media time, taxpayer money, and other resources, we will hear about anything that even remotely looks like "terrorism" with nonstop heart-rendering coverage to the exclusion of the other people who died - and it is more than _ten thousand _ of them in this short span of time already. And tens of thousands more will be shunted aside as this media event continues on. 

And it is all to exploit these deaths to sell advertising for the media and for the government to pursue their power agenda. Every time they do this I mourn not just the deaths but the state of our media, government, and electoral consciousness as we speed down the road to perdition.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Strange as it would seem to people who know me, I'm an emotional person. I feel a great deal. Growing up however I learned expressing emotion was considered being weak. So I rarely show it. 

One defence mechanism for traumatic events that occur to other people is to simply not think about it too deeply. Thus glib answers like, "Gee that's too bad...what's for supper?" To actually contemplate the horror and impact on people would invoke great sadness. 

Your husband may be similar and avoiding feeling by trying not to think about it in too much detail.


----------

