# Husband gets praise and reward for not being at work for 3 weeks!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE!!! Here I am worried all day that now that he finally went back to work after 3 weeks that he's going to get sacked. Nope...just the opposite. He says he wants out of his position and they say no problem. Gee, maybe asking them 3 weeks ago to let you go back to the floor rather then trying to show them how much he hates the position by taking off 3 weeks would have worked? He gets a $50 gift certificate for hitting the 5 year mark at his job. People come up to him all day saying how he was the best person who has been in that position in a long time and they are sad to see him go and how they need to throw him a party. Wow. Did I say wow? What job DOES that?? Is that how it is with every union job?? It just fuels the fire for him to keep doing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well just be glad he still has a job, I guess.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

I'm not sure what exactly is the question/problem - is it he keeps taking time off from work and you expect him to eventually get sacked? He's going "back to the floor", so maybe he'll be happier there, right?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Jack99 said:


> I'm not sure what exactly is the question/problem - is it he keeps taking time off from work and you expect him to eventually get sacked? He's going "back to the floor", so maybe he'll be happier there, right?


It's not a question, it's just how can he still have a job after shirking work for 3 weeks without pay? Yes I would love to see him get sacked to make him realize he isn't bulletproof but also of course do not want it to happen because it would be a nightmare. Not only not get sacked but get praise for "doing" his job!

Oh I'm sure he'll be happy on the floor until he has issues with a coworker and then he'll hate it just like every other position he's had there. A guy will be cool and then all of a sudden I hear what a jerk he is which then turns into him hating his job and not wanting to go in and deal with the guy.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

I see. He doesn't want to confront issues at work so takes time off - with no pay. It's a problem. 

I would for the heck of it try the praise routine. Say how much you respect his decision to go back to work. How pleased you are everyone likes him. How tough it must have been to go into work, but he finally got up the *courage* to do it. And how you *admire* his courage. Because, let's face it, it probably did take courage from him to do that. Acknowledge the fact that he did go back to work. And if he has another problem, show faith in him that he will have the courage to walk right into work and keep dealing with the issues, like he did last time. It may be sweet music to his ears which are used to be burned by a scolding wife.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A union job, so I take it he called off those days, at least? 

If it wasn't a problem at his job, is there a chance that you're looking to blast him for some reason? His judgment doesn't seem to have failed him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Well, he wasn't paid for the time off so that is a problem. If he was paid for it, it would be a different story. He is shirking his responsibility to the household and is being praised for it. I would not expect Mapper to go the praise route herself because that will only reinforce his irresponsibility.

Mapper, does he show any other narcissistic tendencies?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Well, he wasn't paid for the time off so that is a problem. If he was paid for it, it would be a different story. He is shirking his responsibility to the household and is being praised for it. I would not expect Mapper to go the praise route herself because that will only reinforce his irresponsibility.
> 
> Mapper, does he show any other narcissistic tendencies?


Yes I believe he is totally narcissistic. He loves looking at videos and pictures of himself on his motorcycle. Says he wants to get one of those Fathead wall mountings of himself on his motorcycle. Likes to tell others what to do. God knows I can't fold clothes correctly, make a tuna melt correctly, mow the yard correctly, weed whack correctly, etc. I do all the house and yardwork while he's at work so I don't have to hear how wrong I'm doing it.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> Well, he wasn't paid for the time off so that is a problem. If he was paid for it, it would be a different story. He is shirking his responsibility to the household and is being praised for it. I would not expect Mapper to go the praise route herself because that will only reinforce his irresponsibility.
> 
> Mapper, does he show any other narcissistic tendencies?


@sam - I'm not saying praise him for skipping work - I'm saying praise him for going back to work. Big difference.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Jack99 said:


> @sam - I'm not saying praise him for skipping work - I'm saying praise him for going back to work. Big difference.


I actually DID say "Good luck today" when he went in on Friday and he said "Why would you say that"? "Um... just because you are going in after 3 weeks and I hope all goes well." He said in frustration "I"m NOT going to get fired if that's what you are worried about". Then when he came home after being at work for an entire 8 hours for the first time in more than 3 weeks I told him good job. He just rolled his eyes like I was patronizing him.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

Hi Mapper, 

You get an A for effort, and I congratulate you for trying. But, to be honest, I would've probably reacted the same way. "Good luck" and "Good job" weren't what I had in mind. Maybe something like "I'm so glad you went back to work. How did it go?" You'll have to calibrate. Also, I'm not a big fan of him being critical when you're mowing the lawn. As far as the narcissism, that doesn't sound so great, either 

I guess the main thing is to figure out what he needs from you, and somehow get him to figure out what you need from him. Read the books - the 5 languages of love is the one I read. It gave me an entirely different perspective.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Maybe just maybe he is really that good at his work that leaving them hanging for 3 weeks made his employers realize it all over again?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mapper, he doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or your relationship. There were a few things you said that keyed me in on the narccisistic tendencies because I lived 20 years with one. I don't think there is anything you can say or do that will change his mindset regarding this, and going down the positive reinforcement route will likely only delay an argument or two but will not change how he thinks or acts.

I think it is likely that he actually is quite good at his job as many narccisists are and the fact that they are only serves to feed their untouchable perception of themselves, but once he pushes that line a bit too far and loses his job, you are going to take the wrath for that and his behavior towards you already tells me that it will not be pretty when it does.

You are not crazy here. This is a very real problem. I wish you luck.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh yeah he has changed so much! So last Thursday the woman who is now his boss says that if he changes over to her team he won't miss a bunch of days like he just did these past 3 weeks right? He swears up and down it won't be like that. Well he starts fresh with her yesterday. He STILL comes home 1 1/2 hours early! Last night he tells me that he won't be going in on Wednesday. I say "Why? Because you have a doctor's appt at 1:20?" He says yes. Really??!! So you HAVE to take the day off rather than work 5AM-1:30PM and you can't work up until 12:45 or so? Whatever. Then this morning he wakes up at 4AM and tells me he thinks he'll take off today instead of tomorrow because his sunburn has kept him up all night! Ughh!!! Well gee you are the one always calling me an idiot for not wearing a hat or sunscreen when I am outside and I end up burning like a beet. So you decide to sit out in the sun WITHOUT a shirt on, or sunscreen or a hat and end up beet red!

It is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS something! Can't work because not enough sleep, a sunburn, a headache, a stomachache, pissed at his ex, pissed at his daughter, pissed at his coworkers, needs to work on his motorcycle. And I'm sure he'll end up taking tomorrow off as well because of his appt!


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

OMG, don't praise him for going back to work. Are you supposed to praise him for using a potty like a big boy and brushing his teeth daily too? 

I understand your frustration, Mapper. Unfortunately, this is your husband's ride. He's driving. It's his job. And you have to go along with it or get off the ride. Back seat driving isn't going to help.

Don't antagonize him. Don't praise him. Work at letting it go. I know it must worry you. But apparently his job really doesn't care. At least you have some measure of security there.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

I imagine he will end up taking today off too. It is now 12:30 AM and he has been tossing and turning and sighing and I just got up for a bit and will most likely go sleep in another room. I want him to TRY and sleep for the next 3 hours, but I am very doubtful that he will and he won't go in...AGAIN. How is he expected to work with both no sleep AND a sunburn right? Because god knows the rest of the adult population takes off every day they have those issues! Then he'll go off all morning about how he is SO sorry about not going in but it's the darn sunburn that kept him up again. Let me get out my tiny violin.

I work from home, but I am taking on a 1 month contract job out of the house next week. Do you think I could do what he's doing and get away with it? Hell no! I'd be fired after I pulled that just a couple of times. I ALWAYS went to work regardless of how I felt when I worked out of the house. When I was in my 20s I'd go out drinking with my friends until 2AM on a Thursday night, yet I was always up and at work by 7AM (earlier than I had to no less!) the next day even if I felt like crap or had 3 hours of sleep. I went to work with terrible colds because I had such a strong work ethic. Now he's taking off for every minor affliction he might have or every night he doesn't get sleep.


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

Know exactly how you feel. My alcoholic H will get weeks off to have a binge drinking session that carries on day and night. Admittedly he manages to send emails in this drunken state and claims he's working from home. 
When he does go in, he lets the whole household know that he's been promoted for all the "hard work" he puts he. WHAT I say. 
How do people like him get away with it?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

And here we are on day 3 of this week of him not going in. Boy his new boss is going to love him! He specifically told her he wouldn't pull this not coming to work crap. Tuesday it was no sleep due to the sunburn. He said Tuesday morning he'd have to go get something for his burn so he could sleep. Never went and got anything.Yesterday it was the same thing-no sleep due to sunburn. He says he'll for sure have to go get something to alleviate the pain. Goes and gets aloe vera and says it seems to help. It was helping enough for him to have sex with me last night! And this morning he didn't go in because of his infamous upset stomach. Made sure to really drive the point home with me that he didn't feel well. Asking if I heard how many times he got up last night and asking if my stomach hurt as well. Nope I'm just fine!

I told him that it's a good thing that my contract job starts next week and not this week or I would've had to have called in sick every day this week. He goes "Why's that?" Well I was kept up every night by your tossing and turning and how can I be expected to go in to work when I've barely had any sleep? Of course this rattles him and it gets immediately turned on me that I really DON'T understand how much sleep he DIDN'T get and how his stomach really WAS and IS upset. He ALWAYS turns it around so I look like I'm being the jerk for not understanding his problems. How many times have I gone into work feeling like absolute crap? Lots! But it seems unless he feels 110% then he just can't make it into work.

Oh and THIS is classic! He asks me yesterday if we have anything left in the kitty after the closing costs on the house are paid if he can use $700 to get a tire change machine!! Why sure! Why would I deny you MY money for your toys, especially when you've only worked 2 days all month!? Gets all up in arms about how it would save time from having to take things down to another guy and paying him to do them and he can do them for other people and make $50 a pop. How can he even have the nerve to ask for ANYTHING, much less a big ticket item, when he doesn't go to work?! Yeah because what's left in the kitty will just be mad money right? And that deck you say you're going to build, and french doors you're going to put in? Where's that money going to come from? Oh my little savings account that you seem to think I put away especially for your needs??!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Textbook narcissistic behavior. It will never change. What are you going to do about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mapper, you're making yourself nuts with this. Personally I don't know how you manage to muster the affection enough to have sex with such a man but I digress.

Do yourself a favor and stop harping on what he's doing. Let it go. He's not going to change for you no matter how much you try to get him to change. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he does.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

You're not going to change him. The ONLY choices you have are to #1 accept his behavior and find peace with it or #2 leave.

That really is what is boils down. He is NOT going to change this because you're angry with him...no matter how mad you are. You're tearing yourself up, and he doesn't care. It doesn't even matter to him...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So you've been complaining about him here for a year. You obviously have NO intention of doing anything about it except complain.

He is not going to change. You can only control you, not him.

Perhaps you should find out why you are so co-dependent that you are willing to put up with his behavior and will not confront him and turn into jelly when he starts to argue.

I agree he is most likely narcissistic. Have you looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You should look at the symptoms and you will find THERE IS NO TREATMENT BECAUSE THEY DON'T THINK THEY ARE BROKEN.

All you can do is find out why you feed into his behavior (co-dependency) and whether you want to put up with it or not. 

Best of luck - I can't read this anymore. SSDD


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