# Wife respects her mother more than me!



## David Carns (Jul 9, 2018)

I've been on the verge to call it quits in my marriage, numerous times now.

I've been married 2.5 years. We have a 1 year old together. This year has been the WORST year of my life. In April, I found out that my wife has been emotionally cheating on me with another guy she met online. Nothing physical. All talking and texting (which lasted FOURTEEN MONTHS) I found out about it after looking at her phone one day. She used to tell me she would text her friend "Courtney" that she met in college, come to find out... "Courtney" was actually a guy named "Teddy" and they met while playing games online in a chat and exchanged numbers to talk and text, 8 months after we got married. They would talk about sex, our marital problems, and she would confide to him about problems in our marriage. One text message I read was "that I was the biggest regret in her life."
After finding out about it and confiding her, she told me that he was just a friend and only saw it as someone she could talk to and vent to about and didn't think it was as wrong as it was. I was heartbroken and it almost ended us. She gave me full access to her phone, ipad, computer, etc-- to help gain the broken trust.
Skip ahead 2 months later. One afternoon I was home from work and I thought I would look through her emails. I couldn't believe it, when I found out that she was gay, SIX YEARS with her high school girlfriend. They were practically engaged at one time. She never told me this-- until I confronted her. I was sick to my stomach. I was so upset she would hide the fact that she was in a gay relationship for so long. I wouldn't call myself a homophobic, but I am also not a gay rights supporter by no means. I have many friends and colleagues that are very much homophobic. The fact that she LIED to me that she was in a gay relationship before me, is what upsets me more than anything.

To top it off... I feel like (know) that she respects her F'n mother more than she respect me. She puts her mothers as #1. Her mother hates me. It's obvious whenever we are around and I don't know why. I treated her daughter like a F'n princess until my life came crumbling down. My wife knows I can't stand her mother, nor I can't stand how she puts her first in our relationship.

I really think it is going to ruin us. I can't take it much longer. I am at my witts end........Please help.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Decisions, tact, firm action, preparations. 

Wow. I myself wouldn't worry about the HS time, but that's me.

The EA and mom are serious issues.

Welcome to TAM, sorry you're here. 🙄


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## David Carns (Jul 9, 2018)

HS? Help me with abbv. Thanks


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High school.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You keep creating new treads, instead of keeping it on your original tread, why?

Moreover, why you keep asking for help? Looking for a magic potion or enchantment that would solve your problems?

You've been told countless of time the various options you have to solve your problems, but you keep yourself locked in your passive fears that keep you paralyzed and doing nothing.

Your main problem is you. You are s man lacking in assertiveness, confidence, and mostly you are lacking your balls to make a decision for what you want. Remember, what you want you might not get it. What are you going to do then?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

David Carns said:


> I really think it is going to ruin us. I can't take it much longer. I am at my witts end........Please help.


What is the difference between a friend that you can discuss your life's problems with versus an emotional affair?

By definition (I think) an emotional affair is a relationship that serves to create distance between two people that are married and is also providing some sense of euphoria during communications. If your life is a nonstop drama of pain and problems, anyone willing to step in to listen and try to help can unexpectedly find themselves in an unhealthy situation rather quickly. Point being is that I think many emotional affairs are completely unintentional and often start as a place to discuss problems with a friend or anyone that will listen.

So what will help you? Try being a better friend to your wife and listening to her! Don't use the f-word to describe people she cares about. And as much as it might suck, try being nicer to your mother in law even if it is passive-aggressive-nice like buying her flowers just to get her to stop complaining about you as a son in law to her daughter. Odds are your wife is the one complaining about you and your mother in law is just reacting to that. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

DavidCarns, put your foot down right now. Start your 180. You can explain what it is, but DO NOT try to justify it to anyone. Just do it. 
You're right. Your wife doesn't respect you. No one (not even the kids) should come between husband and wife, and if someone does, the marriage is in trouble.
Too many guys on TAM whine, vacillate, compromise, rug-sweep, and compromise to name a few non-productive behaviors. It gets them nowhere. So don't do them.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He is waiting for the pixie dust that will do all the work for him.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You married a problem, not a partner. 

She's not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. How old are you two? 

How much damage can you let her do? How much of your life will you wait and waste for her to grow up (if ever)? 

Where is your self confidence? You need help with that! Who do you have to talk to?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

David Carns, I posted a suggestion somewhere else, one I had forgotten until just recently. Its this. Read
"No More Mr. Nice Guy". I have seen it work really well.


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## Helplesshub (Jul 1, 2018)

I went through the same situation early in my marriage, she wasn't gay but she met someone online through Yahoo chat, I found their conversations one day when I was bored to my surprise the language they use back and forth was mind blowing. She was unhappy, finding faults in our marriage, they would talk about how he would divorce his wife and come here to take her away, then they started sexual chat what she wanted and what he wanted. I confronted her, told her if she didn't want to be married why she said yes, told her that it would be easier on us if we ended it early instead years later. Find out this guy didn't have alot of money or was able to keep a job long, she was smart in ways that she didn't want a dead beat and figured out that I do prove everything she wanted except I guess I wasn't wild enough in the sex department. Like some above confront her, you're only 2.5 years into the marriage, no use trying to make something work out that isn't working. You're still young and there might be someone out there that might want what you want. GL


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If I was in your shoes; and found out that my husband had been with a guy for six years; my marriage would be over.

I couldn't be married to a bisexual person.

Can you stay married to a bisexual who lies to you and puts her mother first in all things?

Not much to figure out really.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

badsanta said:


> What is the difference between a friend that you can discuss your life's problems with versus an emotional affair?
> 
> By definition (I think) an emotional affair is a relationship that serves to create distance between two people that are married and is also providing some sense of euphoria during communications. If your life is a nonstop drama of pain and problems, anyone willing to step in to listen and try to help can unexpectedly find themselves in an unhealthy situation rather quickly. Point being is that I think many emotional affairs are completely unintentional and often start as a place to discuss problems with a friend or anyone that will listen.
> 
> ...


The question about EA that popped into my mind was, what is the difference btw his wife confiding in some person she knew online and what the average poster does here? Is it that we're good people, and the rest of the internet is bad people?

Badsanta, I realize you're not the one asserting EA and I'm not picking on you about this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> The question about EA that popped into my mind was, what is the difference btw his wife confiding in some person she knew online and what the average poster does here? Is it that we're good people, and the rest of the internet is bad people?
> 
> Badsanta, I realize you're not the one asserting EA and I'm not picking on you about this.


In my opinion I think the OP just does not like his wife telling others about his crap. Instead of accepting responsibilities for a rocky relationship, he perhaps defines any male friend of hers as an emotional affair so he can validate himself for going apeshít. 

Oh you have a male friend that you confide in about our marriage. Does he have any good advice?

Oh you have a male friend that you confide in about our marriage. OMG that freaks me out and makes me angry as if you have been having an affair! 

Oh you have confided in your mom about our marriage. OMG that freaks me and and makes me angry but since you can't have an affair with your mom that then makes her into a &^%*% *^%(%$ and I can not stand her!!!!

See the pattern? 

Badsanta


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> The question about EA that popped into my mind was, what is the difference btw his wife confiding in some person she knew online and what the average poster does here? Is it that we're good people, and the rest of the internet is bad people?


 Do you really need this explained to you? You've been here long enough to have seen it come up, as it does often.

They were texting on their phones so had each other's numbers.
She hid it. 
She lied about it.
She hid his name under a woman's name in her contacts.
There was obviously an emotional connection/limerence.
She ran down her husband to him.
Talked about their marital life and sex life.
And the capper to it all ... wait for it ... It wasn't *ANONYMOUS*

That's the differences in this particular instance between an online emotional affair and a help forum. Seems pretty obvious.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Do you really need this explained to you? You've been here long enough to have seen it come up, as it does often.
> 
> They were texting on their phones so had each other's numbers.
> She hid it.
> ...


Having each other's #s is a difference, but I suspect many posters here "hide" their activity from their spouse, and/or lie about it.


> There was obviously an emotional connection/limerence.


It's not clear there was any more connection there than here.


> She ran down her husband to him.
> Talked about their marital life and sex life.


That stuff happens here every day.


> And the capper to it all ... wait for it ... It wasn't *ANONYMOUS*
> 
> That's the differences in this particular instance between an online emotional affair and a help forum. Seems pretty obvious.


I guess it depends on your definition of ANONYMOUS.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ok


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