# The story never ends



## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Hello fellow TAM members. I've been on this website since December of last year after a major blowout with my now ex. I've only recently come back to the website since everything "seemed" to be going ok. This post is an introduction and my experience with an ex now whom I spent nearly 4 years with. This will likely be a long post to paint the picture of my life of the last 4 years.

4 years ago, I met a girl at work. She used to work there prior but moved to Colorado to live with her husband at the time. When I first met her, she was separated and in the process of a divorce. I myself was about 3-4 months out of a relationship. After about a month of her working there, I decided I'd like to get to know her better and promptly got her number. Things progressed and all was mostly ok. There were a few red flags that I didn't pay attention to in the beginning and I that's what caused some of the rifts I'd have with her in the future. 

Times were great and times were tumultuous. The pendulum swung gracefully at times. Other times, it swung so violently and erratic that I'd be left scratching my head and wondering. This was also due to some things I'd done. During the first month of her and I talking I had sent some questionable text messages to a girl. I won't dismiss what I did, but nothing happened. This occurred fairly soon after we became exclusive and was a result of my actions. Her and I had got into a fight and we hadn't spoken in days. I sent those text messages and she found out. 

About 2 years into the relationship, there had been many and great struggles. During these struggles, my core was tested. About 95% of the time, after any fight, I was the one who would give in and I would do what I could to make amends and make it right. Little did I know I was slowly killing any respect I had for myself and any respect she had for me. I basically gave up all my real mental and emotional real estate I had just to make her happy.

Resentment sets in, but I continue to struggle through the trials and tribulations because I was raised with a strong work ethic. I also have a moral obligation within myself to not give up on things and on people no matter the cost, even if that cost relinquishes part of who I am at the core. This was obviously one of the biggest mistakes I made during the tenure of our 4 years, but I did so because the love I had and the love that remains is still very strong. 

Like many others before me, I martyred for this woman. At my expense, she began to walk all over me because I thought "I" was doing the right thing by giving in and allowing this behavior. I became the doormat and I allowed it. I got us into counselling and that last all but one session. I did 95% of the talking. I confronted her immediately after the session was over and asked her why she didn't say anything. She took offense to that and shot down any other counselling session request from that point forward. Fast forward a few more years and it finally came to head. 

The straw that broke the camels back was one Sunday morning we went to look at homes because we spoke about it for a few years while saving money. We found one we both liked a lot and I told her to give me the green light and we'll start the process. Fast forward a few hours, we get into fight and the last thing she says before I hang up is, "I can't stand your ass." Followed up an hour later, she send me a text saying..."change your passwords, dont call me, and I don't care anymore." 

I bellied up and called her one time. She didn't reply and I sent a text message to her telling her to stop and to talk to me. That was it. At that point I decided I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to fight for someone who had absolutely no respect for me. I realized she wasn't opening up anymore. She wasn't allowing me to see her inner core. The core where she is vulnerable. She no longer trusted me and she sure did let me know.

After multiple times of trying to "make it work," I came to a point in my mind where I was no longer going to try and work on something when the other person isnt as committed as I was. This is what brought me here. 

I have given a few replies to a few folks and I've enjoyed reading the various forums. The purpose of this thread is to paint a general picture of what my life has been like the last 4 years with a terrific, yet very insecure, woman who has a lot going for her.

My first step has been to focus my energy on myself and regaining the emotional real estate I'd so generously given in the last 4 years. I'm waiting on the no more mr nice guy book. I have a feeling it'll confirm what I already know, but not what I practice. So, the new leaves being turned over now are to become the man who I once was and rebuild my broken foundation. 

Thanks for reading...if you read it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think I remember your other thread. You both have children and were living together? You were supposed to look at a house and she derailed that? If I'm remembering that situation correctly, maybe she got cold feet about committing to buying a house -- it represented a deeper level of commitment than she was ready for. Better to discover that now than later.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

That was correct. It felt as though each time we came close to the process there was some impending doom/gloom. This happened about 4 times. After that, I decided to just leave it alone. She kept walking away and I kept chasing...until this last time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently, buying a house together was a bigger step than she was ready for. That's why she kept sabotaging it. 

At least now you know and can move on with your life.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Did you think that hooking up with a married woman was okay? 
That the thousands of prior "rebound" relationships you've seen occur didn't apply to your situation? 

Were you thinking, "Hey,, FK that dude who is the husband",, 
...maybe he was trying to get his family back and you stood in his way?

I dunno man,, red flags at the get to with that one.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Missed your first thread...hope to keep up with this one.

What was her previous relationships like?

What was her childhood like?

Usually after the honeymoon stage, there is a period of discourse

this is where you set your boundaries or divert to being the doormat

My current relationship is at that stage. I set my boundaries.

She set hers. We'll see how it turns out.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Did you think that hooking up with a married woman was okay?
> That the thousands of prior "rebound" relationships you've seen occur didn't apply to your situation?
> 
> Were you thinking, "Hey,, FK that dude who is the husband",,
> ...


She was 6 months removed from the relationship and in the process of divorce. I didn't think anything of it at that point.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Missed your first thread...hope to keep up with this one.
> 
> What was her previous relationships like?
> 
> ...


I tried establishing boundaries but she called me out on each one and I buckled every time. In fact, after every fight, I was the one who would initiate contact simply due to the fact that I wanted to move on from what was causing the discord. That was one major hang up I had with her moving forward. I started hating the fact that it was up to me to make some progression. This all occurred up until the last fight.

In a span of about 4 hours we went from looking at homes to a text message that said..."change your passwords, etc, etc, do not call me because i do not care."

At that point, that was it. After almost 4 years I was tired of fighting for someone who I felt wanted out of the relationship. Any other time this happened it was her stating, "it's not really how I feel, I was just mad." I can understand we as humans can say things out as a knee jerk reaction. 

It's very disheartening but I am longer allowing myself to be the one she could walk all over. At this point, it's 6 weeks since this last scenario and the status quo has not changed. I have not called her, I have not texted her.

I still struggle with it. Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days where I just had to cry. I needed some release from the stress. Next step is to read and re read no more mr nice guy that's quoted on here often. I also plan on taking a little trip to the casino alone.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I decided to start this thread as a way document the progression of moving into the next stage of my life. I'll be 32 in 3 days and given the circumstances, I'm still a very blessed individual with 2 healthy and intelligent kids. In spite of the given circumstances, I've always been one to relish in the fact that "it could always be worse."

In doing so, it allows me to recognize the positives in my life and to focus on those positives while I weather the storms in my head. I plan on re-establishing a baseline of myself to improve upon. While I can not change the fact that she has not contacted me, I can redirect my energies on improving myself and doing the things that make me happy.

Here's to many next steps...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a hard road to travel but you'll get there. You are young and have plenty of time. Take it slow.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

texasoutlaw82 said:


> I tried establishing boundaries but she called me out on each one and I buckled every time. In fact, after every fight, I was the one who would initiate contact simply due to the fact that I wanted to move on from what was causing the discord. That was one major hang up I had with her moving forward. I started hating the fact that it was up to me to make some progression. This all occurred up until the last fight.
> 
> In a span of about 4 hours we went from looking at homes to a text message that said..."change your passwords, etc, etc, do not call me because i do not care."
> 
> ...



she was broken before you ever met her.

In times of crisis, we fight or flight. Her history says flight.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I will get back to where I was and I'll get stronger. Each day that passes is a victory in and of itself. I look forward to the day where my mind is void of her and all the what if's, should've, would've and could'ves. I'm getting there. I think a lot has to do with me being able to see everything for what it's really worth now.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Today I decided to unplug from FB. I deactivated my account indefinitely. Today was one of those days of clarity. Im getting to the point where Im ok and I know I'll be ok. I expect the NMMG book to arrive tomorrow. I look forward to reading it. I am considering getting "Hold onto your nuts."

Anyone have any reviews?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

FB will be there when you return. Everyone needs a break from FB.

Before you met her, what were your hobbies? What sports did you

like? What were your fav bands in high school?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> FB will be there when you return. Everyone needs a break from FB.
> 
> Before you met her, what were your hobbies? What sports did you
> 
> like? What were your fav bands in high school?


I've been on FB since it's early inception in 2005. I could care less about it anymore. I do not plan on logging back in.

Hobbies have never wavered. I've always gone fishing, worked on cars, ride motorcycles, take my kids to sporting events, working out, plinking at the gun range. I have never stopped doing those things before, during or after. 

As far as musical tastes, it's changed drastically since then. I have an affinity for texas country music. I'm a country boy living a city slickers lifestyle. lol


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Tonight, I start chapter 1 of NMMNG.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Finished chapter 4 during lunch today. Definitely an interesting read.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

so far.....what have you taken from the book?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Well, one thing I've found fairly interesting is the notion that almost all children are raised by women through 10-11 years of age. I never really looked at the dynamic of teachers being 95% female. 

So, I stopped and thought about that. Young boys have been taught by women most of their early childhood. In the absence of hard working fathers or fathers who abandon their children, most boys grow up under a heavy influence of women and their thought process. 

I am also interested in this dynamic he calls the road map in which we learn things as children. In doing so, we use this road map to try and facilitate our adult lives - only to be met with sub par results because what worked for us as children do not work for us as adults to a degree.

I will probably end up reading this book multiple times to gain different perspectives as my attitude changes the further i get from the separation of my ex. At 2 months out, my outlook will greatly differ in 6 months. I plan on re reading it at certain milestones to see how I view it differently. 

One of the activity recommends getting away solo for a few days or a week and go where no one knows you. I intend to take a camping trip in which I can seclude myself to just me for a few days in the near future. Originally, I planned on visiting lake charles to do some gambling, but I think I'll go the camping route instead this time.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

What if she wants you back ?

What if she agrees to counseling ?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> What if she wants you back ?
> 
> What if she agrees to counseling ?


To be honest, I don't think she ever wanted to leave. At 24, I don't think she's capable of handling adult problems as an adult, in all fairness. Some of the way she handles things are the same way I did at that age. It wasn't until I got older that I noticed the err of my ways(hindsight 20/20). 

I would like to reconcile with her, yes. I told her there would have to be some intensive counseling but she's of the mind frame that it won't help her trust me. It won't help her do things. I explained to her that if you're of that mind frame, failure has already been set up. I would go to counselling with her if she said yes.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Wednesday night was interesting. My daughter and I have a daddy/daughter "date" night most Wednesdays. We do this to spend some quality time together so she can fill me in on her life. It's certainly most enjoyable.

Last night, we went to Los Cucos, a mexican restaurant, and our server was Veronica. She has looks and a body that will make most men look twice. She came over to our table and introduced herself and took our order. I couldn't help but smell this infectious perfume she was wearing. I inquired about her perfume and she obliged. 

At this point, I was clearly flirting with her because when she left my daughter passed a comment about me flirting with her and laughed. When Veronica came back I passed another comment about how great she smelled and she smiled and said, "I like that you like the way I smell." She smiled and giggled a little and left again. 

When she brought me the check she said, "thank you glen." At which point I told her I wanted her number. She obliged and I plan on calling her today. When we left, my daughter passed a comment that she now had a funny story to tell the kids at school tomorrow(me flirting with the waitress and getting her number.) She also said, "I bet that made your day." I laughed and said it was funny.

Fast forward and we're at Marble Slab ice cream. There's a family of 7 already there when we show up. A few more people walk in behind us. After we had our ice cream, the little boy, of the family of 7, asks if he can have everyone's attention. He announced it was his grandma's birthday and he wanted everyone in the store to sing happy birthday. We all obliged and all joined in terrible harmony together. Grandma blew kisses to us all and we could tell she was thrilled. I then looked at my daughter and told her now THAT made my day. My daughter laughed and had a great time.

All in all, a very interesting and laughter filled Wednesday night.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Great story man. Los Cucos is pretty darned good! I'm over in Katy area myself. Glad you had a good night with the kiddo. I too have a daughter, that I spend every other week with. Shes 12 going on 13, but still get along great. Had Chinese the other night, just her and I on our way home from school/work. 
Nice times those are. 
They are the most important.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Great story man. Los Cucos is pretty darned good! I'm over in Katy area myself. Glad you had a good night with the kiddo. I too have a daughter, that I spend every other week with. Shes 12 going on 13, but still get along great. Had Chinese the other night, just her and I on our way home from school/work.
> Nice times those are.
> They are the most important.


:iagree:

Looks like we're neighbors. I am also in Katy. I ended up at the Los Cucos out by katy mills mall. It was on a whim because my daughter couldnt decide what she wanted to eat. 

I have my daughter full time but I look forward to Wednesday nights because its just her and I and nothing interferring.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

In centuries past, men often were sent off into war. then they worked

long hours while the wife tended house and raised the kids. With 

single mothers and absent fathers that is not the case but....look into

the core. There was a reason why LBJ stated, "We have lost the South

for three generations," after signing the 1964 Civil Rights Act. In your

W's case, reality is cute n fluffy....until it has to be faced


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

So...yesterday there wasn't much in the way of the day. It was a typical work day and the after work activities included me going to be earlier than usual.

The only thing that stuck out last night was I found myself listening to old sappy love songs and I cried for about 5 minutes. There wasn't one thing I could pinpoint but it was a relief to shed some of the stress I have. 

At 2 months out, I'm still trying to consolidate and plow through the spectrum of emotions I run into daily. Last night, just before bed, I felt this mass anger boil inside me. After it subsided, I realized I no longer have to surpress my feelings, but keep them in control and not let them control me. 

Im on chapter 7 of NMMG and it's very eye opening to say the least.

During lunch today, I started coming to the realization that I had a heavy hand in killing my relationship and I didn't even know.

I was the do gooder. The one who wanted to care take. The one who wanted to help with chores so that we can spend time together. I was the 90 degree temp on the thermometer while she was 60 degrees. I didn't realize I was smothering her with all of this extra stuff I was doing. I was, by definition, one of the anecdotal people in NMMG. 

I'm trying to find acceptance that I no longer have nor need the answers or reasons why she no longer wanted to try. I have come to realize that I have to create my own closure and regain my sense of self as a man and as a person. I understand I won't know her reasons or motives to just hang it up like that. It caused great heart ache and grief. But I am still here and still breathing. Metaphorically, I'm waiting for the day to light the ship on fire and give it one last push out to sea.

In reading NMMG, I have come to the realization that I must regain a sense of who I am as a man and as a person. I lost myself somewhere in the last 4 years and I will now spend adequate time re establishing my boundaries. 

And to be honest with myself, part of me hopes she's shows up one day with hat in hand. The other part of me says I'll be ok if she doesn't. Im at that point where it's ok if either or happen. The tide is slowly turning...


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