# Cheating spouse 'changing' for the OP



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

This is something specific to me and probably many other betrayed spouses: how, if at all did your husband / wife 'change' when they were in the midst of their affair with their OM/OW?
Did the OM/OW make any suggestions or coerce them into making changes for them?

In my own marriage my wife suddenly got into things she'd never been into before such as sports like MotoGP and UFC/MMA
(OM was into both and owned a fast-bike)

Looks-wise, she dyed her hair bleach-blonde, started running/cycling a lot, wearing far more revealing clothes and most extreme of all, had a nipple pierced - she already had a tattoo from when we first met and was going to get another but didn't...


_Disclaimer: most of this was all following on from when she wanted a separation so she could start 'seeing' the OM as 'boyfriend & girlfriend'...if she was having a secret affair, obviously it would have been 'red-flagged'....but you get the general idea of this thread._


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

davecarter said:


> This is something specific to me and probably many other betrayed spouses: how, if at all did your husband / wife 'change' when they were in the midst of their affair with their OM/OW?
> Did the OM/OW make any suggestions or coerce them into making changes for them?
> 
> In my own marriage my wife suddenly got into things she'd never been into before such as sports like MotoGP and UFC/MMA
> ...


It's normal. Especially with cheating, they will detach from the BS and latch on and migrate towards the OM/OW.

Even in friendships, traits and likes may cross over.

With the cheating thing it happens faster and more strongly.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife changed by becoming a complete B. Her changes came more because of the MLC she was having rather than the loser she had an affair with.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> My wife changed by becoming a complete B. Her changes came more because of the MLC she was having rather than the loser she had an affair with.


Many cheaters will not accept responsibility for being wrong, so over time there are story rewrites and blame direction. Believe it or not this is not all thought of, much of it is automatic!


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's normal. Especially with cheating, they will detach from the BS and latch on and migrate towards the OM/OW.
> 
> Even in friendships, traits and likes may cross over.
> 
> With the cheating thing it happens faster and more strongly.



:iagree: Treyvion has nailed it perfectly.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

adriana said:


> :iagree: Treyvion has nailed it perfectly.


If you pay attention to them, there is going to be a change on them that is very hard not to notice, almost like a different person. It can be emotionally painful if you were well connected to feel their withdrawal and de-prioritation of you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> If you pay attention to them, there is going to be a change on them that is very hard not to notice, almost like a different person. It can be emotionally painful if you were well connected to feel their withdrawal and de-prioritation of you.


Their spirits and mannerisms change somewhat. It's due to the bleedover from being so close to the OM/OW. They are actively pulling away from you and clinging to the OM/OW, joining their body and spirit in union with them, not you...


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

treyvion said:


> If you pay attention to them, there is going to be a change on them that is very hard not to notice, almost like a different person. It can be emotionally painful if you were well connected to feel their withdrawal and de-prioritation of you.



Although, I agree with you but in my husband's case there was no noticeable change in his behavior. Perhaps because it was just an innocent, recreational sex with a married co-worker and I'm probably overreacting about the whole thing. How stupid of me? :rofl:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

adriana said:


> Although, I agree with you but in my husband's case there was no noticeable change in his behavior. Perhaps because it was just an innocent, recreational sex with a married co-worker and I'm probably overreacting about the whole thing. How stupid of me? :rofl:


"Only" recreational sex with a married co-worker. Well he might look at the relationship like people look at porn...

If he made her his woman you should be able to notice.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

He was careful with what he ate and started getting up early to go work out in the morning. Something I had always encouraged him to do with me, but he never wanted to because he was too lazy. Guess she really ignited his spark.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

my wife lost weight for OM.
I never complained about her weight.
I got her back and she slowly gained all the weight back and then some.

Still not complaining, although I think i want to, more out of - you did it for OM. why not me?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes he did change for her; his clothing, his hairstyle and the music he listened to. Before he was involved with her, I would be listening to the same music and he would tell me to turn it down and turn it off because he could not stand listening to it! After she was in the picture, who comes home with all the CDs of the same genre of music he used to despise? Yep; he did.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

convert said:


> my wife lost weight for OM.
> I never complained about her weight.
> I got her back and she slowly gained all the weight back and then some.
> 
> Still not complaining, although I think i want to, more out of - you did it for OM. why not me?


I would have a problem with that, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

treyvion said:


> If you pay attention to them, there is going to be a change on them that is very hard not to notice, almost like a different person. It can be emotionally painful if you were well connected to feel their withdrawal and de-prioritation of you.


Yup. Well said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

H didnt get into different things or change, but looking back now, he tried to get me into the things that "she" was into. Share her interests with me. OMG! Was I ever blind! 

~sammy


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> H didnt get into different things or change, but looking back now, he tried to get me into the things that "she" was into. Share her interests with me. OMG! Was I ever blind!
> 
> ~sammy


It's a clear sign. Sometimes we didn't pay close enough attention to.

The one that cheated me, I was paying 100% attention too, thats how it was so apparent.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

davecarter said:


> This is something specific to me and probably many other betrayed spouses: how, if at all did your husband / wife 'change' when they were in the midst of their affair with their OM/OW?


One of the main things that changed in her, and is a telltale sign IMO, is that affection initiated by me was met by her with annoyance. If I came up behind her and put my arms around her to give her a kiss on the cheek, she'd say she doesn't like being groped.

Or that she was being smothered, even though I might do something like that once a day.

So when a spouse becomes annoyed by the smallest little things, especially in the realm of the kind of affection other spouses would kill for, I'd say a red flag needs to go up.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

vellocet said:


> One of the main things that changed in her, and is a telltale sign IMO, is that affection initiated by me was met by her with annoyance. If I came up behind her and put my arms around her to give her a kiss on the cheek, she'd say she doesn't like being groped.
> 
> Or that she was being smothered, even though I might do something like that once a day.
> 
> So when a spouse becomes annoyed by the smallest little things, especially in the realm of the kind of affection other spouses would kill for, I'd say a red flag needs to go up.


It's a huge red flag even if there is no proof of cheating. I mean, unless you do it ALL the time and they really are feeling smothered.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My exH had a series of inappropriate relationships, at best, EAs at worst, with the partners of his friends.

What I noticed is that he would match their moods. Laugh at jokes that he had heard already several times. If I made the mistake of saying something to him twice, I would get the cutting "So, you told me."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My rich skanky XW is the consummate "cowgirl" since most of her life revolves around her horses and the family ranch. From an historical perspective, I think she always has, even back to her hourglass figure days ~ not that her figure has diminished much, if any! She could go from jeans and a t-shirt to her social finest at the drop of a hat, but I was usually always with her whenever that happened. But the FB photo of her and OM#1 at a N'awlins social event during our separation, had them both going together as "Dress Western!" And for a lardass, OM#1 actually looked somewhat classy!

Thinking back on it now, and knowing that I was largely kept out of the loop about XW's "on-the-road" infidelity, her OM#1 was pretty much just a lardass Texas guitar strummer who like her, and me for that matter, usually just dressed in jeans and a cowboy shirt. So she didn't really need to put on airs for him. He had known her for a rather long time. 

And she wore her trendy Victoria Secret's undergarments under her jeans, so that really didn't arouse my suspicions any.

Her OM#2, a long-lost BF from her high school days 30 years hence, was now a medical practitioner in South Texas and was basically a boots and jeans with a lab coat type of guy, so her selected attire wouldn't have really bothered him either.

I can only surmise that the only other real changes in my skanky XW's attire was a rather simple one in her accepted habit of just totally disrobing for them and covering herself up under a comforter in either in some swanky hotel room bed, or in one of theirs!*


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

He started working out but I laugh at it because it lasted one day. He bought the Adele album which ticked me off because I loved her but now I associate it with that bad time. 

He took a lot of selfies and started being active on Facebook and installed chat aps and he normally hates social media. 

Snipping at the kids. Withdrawn. Treating me with aloofness. Very formal and cold. 


This all happened in a 2-3 week period so it really escalated quick. 

Later when it all blew up he explained his coldness by saying he felt guilty and conflicted whenever I was nice to him. I'm sure he was trying to be loyal to her as well.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> _He started working out but I laugh at it because it lasted one day._
> He bought the Adele album which ticked me off because I loved her but now I associate it with that bad time.
> 
> He took a lot of selfies and started being active on Facebook and installed chat aps and he normally hates social media.
> ...


Yep - you've got to do it for _yourself_!


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

1. Massive weight loss when he came into the picture. I asked her if she was OK....her response was "it's just stress".

2. No affection. Zero. Would shudder when I tried to put my arm around her or even try to kiss her cheek. 

3. A week before I moved out, she was cordial and would still text me regularly about small issues. She even cried the day I moved out and hugged me. The next day, it was like a switch went off. Blank stares when I spoke to her, one word answers, cold, would avoid eye contact with me. 

I knew something was up but ignored it, until I found out her current boyfriend was a co-worker. Then it all made sense.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

OW set her sights on my H by taking up his favorite hobby and asking him to "help" her get better (excluding me). No secret what my H's favorite hobby was for the past 7 years; she showed zero interest (in this hobby) until last year when she has a huge fight with her husband (which she asked my H for "help") and suddenly decides that she wants to take up my H's favorite hobby.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

convert said:


> my wife lost weight for OM.
> I never complained about her weight.
> I got her back and she slowly gained all the weight back and then some.
> 
> Still not complaining, although I think i want to, more out of - you did it for OM. why not me?


Because she is not afraid of losing you.

When they are in an A, they are deathly afraid of being rejected by their AP so they pull out all the stops to impress them. This last just for the honeymoon stage and few if any of these changes last long term. Odds are if she had ran off with the OM she would have still gained the weight back.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks Army, yes you are right.

One of the things that made her come back was an old girl friend of hers that always liked me and knew she was fooling around ask her if she was done with me and started to call and come around. Nothing ever happened just the fact that some else showed some interest in me and she (myWife) didn't like it.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

convert said:


> my wife lost weight for OM.
> I never complained about her weight.
> I got her back and she slowly gained all the weight back and then some.
> 
> Still not complaining, although I think i want to, more out of - you did it for OM. why not me?


Maybe you should start complaining.
Just tell her to get her fat @ss to the gym.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Because she is not afraid of losing you.
> 
> When they are in an A, they are deathly afraid of being rejected by their AP so they pull out all the stops to impress them. This last just for the honeymoon stage and few if any of these changes last long term. Odds are if she had ran off with the OM she would have still gained the weight back.


Absolutely 100%, crack-on with this post.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I could make a list.. it was such a long slow drawn out process for my wife. Much of that was what got me so suspicious, the new interests, gym, new friends at work, always going out and dolling herself up to go shopping or routine 'errands'.


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