# Wife's vibrator



## Firebird85 (Nov 20, 2019)

Hi all.

I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me! She said all women use one. She also stated she only uses it when I'm not home which is BS because I'm home the vast majority of the time. This is where I really need advice because I feel very angry and also deceived. I haven't talked with her yet about my feelings because I wanted to hear advice first. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more. 

Thank you in advance for your comments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she only uses it when you are not at home, and you are at home the vast majority of the time, then it follows that she hardly ever uses it.

It seems to me that in talking with her female friends, they gave her some ideas and she stated exploring... got herself a vibrator. This is apparently quite a new thing for her to explore her sexuality. 

This should be a good thing since it's something you have wanted to try together. Now that she told you, if you bring this up in anger, or negatively it will be last time your wife even considered anything other than vanilla sex.

Instead of reacting in anger, my suggestion is that you invite her to bring it into your love making.

Now I have some questions for you. Do you ever masturbate? Do you ever use porn?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Firebird85 I would love to find out my wife, who's attitude has always been parallel to your wife's (past), found a vibrator that she could be friends with. What's the issue? Do you seriously think it's going to replace you? I don't think that's generally how it works. It seems for most it's supplemental and enhances. It keeps women in touch with their sexuality, rather than allowing it to decline over the years. 

Or so I've been told.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You should rejoice that you still have a wife that has a sex drive after 25 years. Dude, this is NOT something to be angry about.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Firebird85 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.
> 
> ...


"...very angry..."


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Firebird85 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.
> 
> ...



Yes, you are possibly feeling inadequate, because she went behind your back. And it brings thoughts of yourself not being enough to satisfy your wife needs. And mostly because she doesn't use it during you lovemaking, but rather as a replacement for you. Now is not the time for shame, towards your wife as you were the instigator. 

This is not a battle you should entertain, because really you wanted this. This is the pressure of suggestion from a husband. So be careful what you ask for, you may get exactly what you want.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Why did she tell you? How did you react when she did? Why did finding it piss you off? Was it the size, color, wear-and-tear? Maybe she was hesitant to tell you because she thought you might react like you are--or maybe because she had portrayed herself as prudish? Expect she was influenced by her friends.

Rejoice. Go shopping together for more. Ask her to show you how she likes to use it. (Thinking she bought online or at a party.) Ask questions in an interested way, not angry.

Early on, I ordered one (of several over the years) and was amazed at what I received--huge, loud, awkward, rather not like a human. Was afraid I would die and my kids would find it, I worried about how to dispose of it. Please be laughing with me.... 

P.S. Do not now be afraid to leave her home alone.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

You said your sex life has really increased since your kids moved out. I find that the more sex I'm having, the more I want. So, last time you asked about a vibrator it's possible she had no interest because her sex drive wasn't as high as it is now that you and she are having sex more often. 

I went 6 years with just about no sex in my marriage. I thought about sex sometimes but it wasn't a big deal to me. Left him and am now with someone with a very high sex drive. My sex drive has responded to the increase in my sex life and I'd say mine is very high right along with his now.

I think you increased your sex life which increased her sex drive. This is not something to complain about. And most women do NOT want to admit that they have solo time. They just don't.

If you want your increased and improved sex life to continue leave it alone!!!!!!! I can't stress this enough. Do NOT try to make her feel bad about this, it will only hurt YOU in the end. She is using it when she misses you, not instead of you and that's a HUGE difference. And the fact that she misses you when you aren't there is a good sign of a healthy sexual relationship with your wife.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I think you increased your sex life which increased her sex drive. This is not something to complain about. And most women do NOT want to admit that they have solo time. They just don't.
> 
> If you want your increased and improved sex life to continue leave it alone!!!!!!! I can't stress this enough. Do NOT try to make her feel bad about this, it will only hurt YOU in the end. She is using it when she misses you, not instead of you and that's a HUGE difference. And the fact that she misses you when you aren't there is a good sign of a healthy sexual relationship with your wife.


Agreed.
You are having more sex.
Sometimes we women dont want to discuss solo time. Be thankful. Its keeping her drive high, which you will benefit from. If she had solo time to replace time with you, then you should be worried.
I understand why you feel “deceived”. But instead of getting angry, get curious. Be supportive.
Tell her you think its hot and it drives you crazy thinking about her doing that. Ask her if she wants to incorporate this into your bedroom time.
She may prefer to be alone with herself. Sometimes its just less complicated. 
Go slowly. Be positive.
And people here are right. Read about so many men here who wishthey were in your shoes after 25 years.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Firebird85 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.
> 
> ...


I would be very angry about the lie and cover up only.

She deceived you by telling you she didn't want one forever and then just springs it on you that she has one and has been using it.

It could just be an innocent mistake with her knowing that you are open to it but she wanted to get use to it first before opening up to you about it.

I would express your feelings to her gently but make sure she understands that you just don't like being excluded from a part of your sex life that you have shown obvious interest in.

You two should discuss the use of it and learn to use it together as well as her using it solo.

Has your sex life dropped off at all in quantity and/or quality?

I understand that you two are having more sex since the kids are gone but have you noticed any drop recently?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> You two should discuss the use of it and learn to use it together as well as her using it solo.


With utmost respect, I disagree. He should ask her if that's something she might be interested in doing, ie. adding it to their sex life together. But, if she has a hangup about admitting or talking about solo time she's just going to shut down if he pushes the issue and that could have a negative affect on their sex life together. If she declines, leave it at that!!! If he's happy with their sex life as it is then he should be happy with that and not push her into something she doesn't want. It's fine to ask, but don't push. 

I speak woman...I know of what I speak


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'd be pissed too. You know how much all those batteries cost over the years? She could have looked for a 240VAC single phase model and ran a circuit for it. Sheesh, how selfish.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> With utmost respect, I disagree. He should ask her if that's something she might be interested in doing, ie. adding it to their sex life together. But, if she has a hangup about admitting or talking about solo time she's just going to shut down if he pushes the issue and that could have a negative affect on their sex life together. If she declines, leave it at that!!! If he's happy with their sex life as it is then he should be happy with that and not push her into something she doesn't want. It's fine to ask, but don't push.
> 
> I speak woman...I know of what I speak


I will leave it at discussing using it together then.

Speaking as a man, having a wife pull a sneaky about something a husband has been talking about and asking about for years while the wife has always said no, can seriously piss the husband off and leave him feeling deceived, because he was, and trust isn't a small issue.

If she had been asking him about porn for years and wanted him to try it with her, only to have him act prudish and say no for years and then just announce out of the blue that he has been using porn, (after all, all men use it) and she finds it after he tells her.

The deception and stupidity involved here is not negligible.

I advised him to be gentle but she behaved badly here.


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## Firebird85 (Nov 20, 2019)

Hello. 
Thank you for your responses. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me! 

Happy Thanksgiving !


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Firebird85 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> 
> Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me!
> ...


As NMJ, said may cause more problems but, she did tell him. So maybe it would be a moment he could find out. 

But again, this is not a flesh and blood thing, yup he may be upset, mad, angry but come now! give your wife a break just how many things have you hidden from her on the personal level. Let it go of again and because you are asking, beware where this may go.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’m a little confused on the timeline. Did she get one right after the girl’s weekend and has had it for two years and just never told you?

Tread lightly as this could easily spiral downwards... it’s always a big emotional deal to get the message that you are not welcome in part of your partner’s sex life.. physical affair on one end and covert masturbation on the other. That’s the opposite of intimacy. Ladies... would you rather your man admit he has a foot fetish for example or have him keep it a secret from you?

This is like running into a camouflaged boundary that is there but one you had no reason to believe existed in the first place. Could be a shame boundary, could be she wants a different kind of orgasm, could be she wants to have an orgasm without any cleanup, foreplay or emotional connection. Well she had no intentional to tell you.

The best tact to take perhaps is to just leave it as you don’t have a problem with it but the message you just received was you aren’t welcome in a part of her sexuality and have been supplanted by something to which she falsely indicated recently was antithetical to her sexuality. That’s very hurtful to a man. No different than a guy caught telling his wife self-pleasuring is gross and then is caught. Also point out that you don’t want double standards in your sex life. Secrets are Ok for her but not for you.

I also found it interesting the point about the group discussion she had with her friends. It’s astonishing how a man can suggest one thing that is summarily dismissed by his partner only to see it adopted with open arms if suggested by a girlfriend. Female peer pressure is huge.

- “Hey sweetie, we should try some toys in the bedroom”
- “Yuck... what are you some kind of perv? You get that idea of some porno you saw... as if”

*goes to party with the girls two hours later*

-“OMG you don’t have a vibrator? Seriously...
You’re like the only one... you’re missing out girl... I love this one”

*Five minute later orders “The Rabbit” and selects next day shipping”


If she’s gonna to put up a boundary she just need to explain why it’s there and leave it at that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

aaarghdub said:


> Ladies... would you rather your man admit he has a foot fetish for example or have him keep it a secret from you?
> 
> 
> Speaking only for myself, yes, I'd want him to keep that a secret. But, I have a thing about feet so I could NEVER be with someone who would want to touch or lick my feet or God forbid ask me to do that to them. Gag!!! :surprise:
> ...


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Finding my wife’s vibrator I didn’t know about would not upset me a bit, but it would sure turn me on! 
And if I found it, I’d be asking to see her demonstrate it for me! That’s what you should be working on!

I don’t see the problem, but my wife has a drawer full of vibes and toys! (Which is what you want too right?)


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> (Which is what you want too right?)


Maybe he'd rather she had a ring gag and ropes?  lol


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DW and I recently went to an Adult toy store, shopping for another vibrator, easier to hold (durn thing gets slippery) and a remote control toy (my idea, bluetooth and wifi) .

All good!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am more concerned that you called your wife a prude just because she didn't seem to want something that you did. How disrespectful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

My main question would be, I guess, is how long did she have the vibrator before she shared that with OP?

Did she let him go on and on and on asking her to try bringing one into their encounters but saying she couldn't bring herself to have one?

If a great long time passed then maybe the fibbing to his face deception may be an issue, or maybe not, not the vibrator itself.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I am more concerned that you called your wife a prude just because she didn't seem to want something that you did. How disrespectful.


1) Her behavior and reaction was prudish by any rational standard, either for men or women. Don't bring your "feelings" into this. Try to be better than reflexively taking the woman's side in any debate.

2) "Prude" is not such a bad word

OP, one thing you might consider is that your wife didn't want you to think of her as "that kind of girl" however misguided it was. So she's not actively trying to deceive you, just trying not to tarnish her image.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You have no right to get mad. As long as she is still having lots of sex with you let it go. I think it’s great when anyone starts to explore their sexuality more, especially in middle age. Don’t verbalize that your angry. This is a big opportunity for you to support her and not Be judgemental because this could make or break future “explorations” together. Be supportive. Tell her you think it’s sexy when she is finding new things to enjoy. Don’t be threatened by her toy. And let her know your always available for anything she wants to enjoy.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

ConanHub makes a good point. If the tables were turned we might not be so understanding witht the guy.
Sex is sometimes a touchy issue (see what i did there?)
In the end tact is required but she needs to know she messed up and that could cause negative feelings


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> 1) Her behavior and reaction was prudish by any rational standard, either for men or women. Don't bring your "feelings" into this. Try to be better than reflexively taking the woman's side in any debate.
> 
> 2) "Prude" is not such a bad word
> 
> OP, one thing you might consider is that your wife didn't want you to think of her as "that kind of girl" however misguided it was. So she's not actively trying to deceive you, just trying not to tarnish her image.


In your opinion he is justified in saying that because in your opinion she is one. I would never call my husband that no matter what, its rude and offensive and unloving.

Oh and BTW, I would take the mans side if he didn't want to do something that she did and she was rude about him.


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## Firebird85 (Nov 20, 2019)

Hi all.

First of all let me say that if anyone was offended by my use of the word "prude", I meant no disrespect to my wife. I didn't know what other term to use at the time as I was angry. I apologize to the ladies for that.

I plan on asking her if she wants to use her vibrator the next time we make love because I would find it hot (and have told her that many times I asked if she wanted to try toys). If she says no then I'll leave it at that. I do intend to ask her the when, where and why because I'm curious but not in anger or in an accusing tone.

My anger has gone after reading your posts and you brought up many intelligent questions and advice. My initial anger was probably "well, if she's doing that what else is she hiding from me". We did have sex since I started the thread but I didn't want to ask her any questions until I read your responses. We both know of each others' solo time and I will try not to jump to conclusions unless I have a valid reason.

Again, thank you so much for your time in assisting me and I hope that I can help someone here as well.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My ex wife and I had to live apart for a couple of years because of a job. So I bought her a rabbit vibrator to "tide her over" while i was gone for weeks and weeks at a time.

She was livid! reacted with anger that i would even think she would use such a disgusting thing.

But I noticed that she didn't toss it out.

When I left for my long away trip I reversed the batteries--just because.

Sure enough, when I returned? Fresh batteries in the darn thing!

We played this game for a couple of months until I finally said, "you know, I know you're using the rabbit. How do you like it?"

Her response? "I do not use it, get off me case about it, you're obsessed!"

I never did out her. But I reversed the batteries again. 

She was masturbating a lot and whatever twisted jack Mormon upbringing she had would not let her reconcile that with admitting it to her husband.


she really did like that rabbit.

When we divorced? It went with her.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Firebird85 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> First of all let me say that if anyone was offended by my use of the word "prude", I meant no disrespect to my wife. I didn't know what other term to use at the time as I was angry. I apologize to the ladies for that.
> 
> ...


Glad your settling down on this.

Me? If it were me, I'd want to find a way to get involved in the play. "How can I help?" For me, there's nothing that turns me on more than giving my wife an O. I'd say helping to give her an O, but frankly, I'm doing all the work, so I'll take the credit. But if there was something she could use that would make an O easier for her (or, maybe me to give?), how could that not be something to look forward to? 

I think she's just a bit scared of what you might think of her using a vibrator, that's all. In my wife's case, she's scared of what she'd think of herself. Either is something you should try to make sure she's comfortable with.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Firebird, hey just forget on asking her because if you don't it will make you look, like an ass. Now what l would do is take the lead and you know what her current one is like! Go out and buy something similar for her get it wrapped beautifully and the next time you leave. Leave it where she will see it. 

Also buy a nice card fill it out for your unending love for her and some of her great traits. Do not put in a envelope. But by it's self that way she can read it without proving to you she opened and read something that was sealed. She will read it first and then open the present. 

You will have just proved your truly a man and not an angry boy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

…….Un-derailed


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Derail


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