# New to forum: help coping with 2 miscarriages since November



## bud1982 (Sep 1, 2018)

Good afternoon and hope you are all having a nice Labor Day weekend.

I'm here looking for some help with coping with the potential of parenthood only to be interrupted my wife having both pregnancies end with miscarriage. The first miscarriage was in November, and the second miscarraige occurred in March, just a handful of days after we heard the heartbeat. 

We love each other dearly, but since my wife has recovered from her second miscarriage in March, she is now tentative about the prospect of trying to get pregnant again. She needs time, which I totally understand and am willing to wait, but the uncertainty of the nature has been eating at me. Prior to getting married, we were both in sync with wanting to have one or two children, but I have a heavy heart knowing that there is a prospect that my wife will not want to go through pregnancy again.

How long do you think I should wait before bringing up trying again? Any other advice to help with this would be greatly appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How far along was your wife with each of the pregnancies.

Unfortunately a lot of people have an unrealistic view of pregnancies these days. By that I mean that modern medicine has improved the prospects of pregnancy such that we think often forget that miscarriages are very common. About 24% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. They are usually caused by a developmental problem with the baby. Since we as a society have forgotten how trouble filled pregnancies can be, we seem to assume that once pregnant there is going to be a live baby in 9 months. by realizing that these sorts of mishaps are faily common, it can help a person mitigate the grief of losing a child to miscarriage. It's often a good idea to not get too attached to teh fetus until about 4 months of the pregnancy as passed.

I, like many, learned this the hard way. I had a miscarrieage at 4 months in one pregnancy. And in the next pregnancy i had still born twins at 7 months. 

I'd suggest to give her a year until trying again. But the real answer is that she has to decide the time frame because she has to live with it.

One thing that you can do to help take the pressure off her is to talk about and agree that if she has another miscarriage (or some number more), then you will both agree to adopt. It's a viable option and a good one.

After I lost the twins, I could not get pregnant again due to complications. So we adopted a baby about 2 years after I lost the twins. Our baby as 10 days old when we adopted him. He's 29 now, working on his Phd in Physics and Nano Photonics. He's a wonderful young man who is going great in life.

You and your wife can have the family you want. There are simply different ways for babies to come into your life.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

There are fertility specialists who can do tests to reveal possible reasons for miscarriage. If, after waiting a year, you may wish to pursue this route. My daughter has a rainbow baby.

I also know of folks who have been successful in carrying to term after using acupuncture. 

It is important to grieve these losses and to keep your communication open.


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