# Chemisty/Passion



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

From the threads I've read before joining I have a question. Did anyone marry their spouse knowing there was no chemistry or passion in the relationship? Maybe meeting your spouse and seeing how nice they were and how drama free they were is what made you feel like this person was the one?

The reason I ask is because couples may be unfilfilled, unhappy and not satisfied because they married someone who is more like a friend than a spouse. Chemistry and passion has to exist for a marriage to survive. 

Any thoughts?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

shaylady said:


> Did anyone marry their spouse knowing there was no chemistry or passion in the relationship?
> 
> _*I didnt but yes it happens a lot. I could have but refused in a prior relationship. I need passion and insisted on holding out for it. My wifes is red hot and my best friend.*_
> 
> ...


Yea i have thoughts. The most pressing is what does this have to do with you? I found your post a bit vague. Im curiosu where you are headed with it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We were young and stupid and when she said "I do" she meant "Never Again". But I didn't understand it at the time. I know this will irk some people here but I am dead sure she used sex to snare a husband in order to have children. End of story.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I almost did this. I was with someone for 3 years and headed for marriage but there was no chemistry. I did the right thing and broke it off. Met my now husband just a few weeks later. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life if I had gone along with the plans to marry the first guy. Something deep inside me said "don't settle... there must be something more." Thank goodness I listened.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shaylady said:


> From the threads I've read before joining I have a question. Did anyone marry their spouse knowing there was no chemistry or passion in the relationship? Maybe meeting your spouse and seeing how nice they were and how drama free they were is what made you feel like this person was the one?
> 
> The reason I ask is because couples may be unfilfilled, unhappy and not satisfied because they married someone who is more like a friend than a spouse. Chemistry and passion has to exist for a marriage to survive.


My boyfriend/husband has always been more on the nice guy side / we were "best friends" before even our 1st kiss. I can't say there wasn't any passion there, I was very lustfully turned on by his touch. But I was so "comfortable" with him from early on, I can't say I experienced all of those butterfly type feelings that many of the young talk about when dating........Although I wouldn't say those are necessary- they might even be blinding - I would say you NEED to have some physical sexual attraction going on. 

There came a time, after a few years, since I never really had a chance to date anyone, I wanted to go out with a "Life of the party" type guy, so I gave his ring back, explained I had to be sure I KNEW what I wanted. I left him with a poem about ...If you love something -set it "free" -if it does not come back to you -it was never meant to be yours, if it does , love it forever ". God, maybe that was cruel, but it was honest, I had to find myself and what I needed. 

Ripped his heart out for a short time, but he waited. I went on a few dates, and to this day, I feel I NEEDED that experience to sort through my destiny.... it helped me realize how much I missed my best friend, the calm stable laid back shy guy . He was what I wanted.. When I came back , it was forever, we started to plan our wedding, I never looked back with any regret. 

*If you don't have total PEACE about a relationship, no matter what you have to do in order to test that, if you are questining it in any form ....DON'T DO IT !! Wait it out, pause it, If you have to break up, play the field a little while, DO IT !! It could help you get your head on straight*. 

Some women like those "nicer guys" , so don't marry that type if you are not into them. Go for what works *for you *and your personality, know yourself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think chemistry/passion ebb and flow throughout a long-term marriage.

Yes, my H and I definitely had 'chemistry' when we dated and in our early marriage. But, we were also very compatible in many other ways - he is my best friend too, as well as my lover.

When we first met, I was attracted to him, but not in any kind of totally passionate, lustful way. As I got to know him better, that lustfulness and passion started to grow. 

We now have more of a deep, abiding love that is interspersed with episodes of passion.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

roymcavoy said:


> Me. Yep, I did it!
> 
> There were 150 good reasons why she would be a PERFECT wife for me. Everybody told me I was CRAZY when I broke up with her after we'd dated for about 6 months. Eventually, we got back together...and, the rest is history.
> 
> Been married 26 years. We have 3 kids. She is a GREAT friend, a wonderful companion, and a marvelous mom. But, when you ask about "passion"...the answer is "no." Never been there. Never.


I agree and it sounds familiar to my own. I overlooked it for years but now I'm having to stand firm on things because the word complacent existed even when we were dating.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

shaylady said:


> I agree and it sounds familiar to my own. I overlooked it for years but now I'm having to stand firm on things because the word complacent existed even when we were dating.


If you were talking to a young woman thinking about marrying her boyfriend, and she was in this position, would you advise her to go ahead with it or not? I'm curious how those who have married for love but not passion feel about it, since I thought about doing it and didn't (at the last minute).


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

omega said:


> If you were talking to a young woman thinking about marrying her boyfriend, and she was in this position, would you advise her to go ahead with it or not? I'm curious how those who have married for love but not passion feel about it, since I thought about doing it and didn't (at the last minute).


We have two kids and my husband is a wonderful father but if I had to do it all over again, I don't think I would. We are really good friends and that is it. If I were talking to a young lady who was with a young man and she is trying to find feelings for him because he is a nice guy, I'd ask her if she has been hurt by someone and is she choosing safe to escape the hurt. If she is, I'd suggest keeping him in the friend category and continue to date. Dating is what young people should do so you know the type of woman/man you want to spend the rest of your life with.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> We were young and stupid and when she said "I do" she meant "Never Again". But I didn't understand it at the time. I know this will irk some people here but I am dead sure she used sex to snare a husband in order to have children. End of story.


It probably will irk some people, but I think it is true in many cases. I also think sometimes the person snaring doesn't even realize it. I think both men and women do this, but probably more women than men.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

I would say it depends on what YOUR needs are. First of all, you need to be mature enough to figure that out. My primary love language is physical touch, and as a man, sex is how I connect with a woman.

Secondly, you need to REALLY know your potential mate as best you can--if they are willing to met your needs (and you theirs, of course)

When I met my wife-to-be she was INSTANTLY attracted to me in a very physical way (her words). We married within 11 months and I thought I had found "the one". We "fooled around" before the wedding, but no intercourse.

Shortly after the ceremony (I mean even on the honeymoon!!!) I began to notice some things that didn't seem to "click". It took a LONG, LONG time (23 years) but my wife finally confided in me that she was severely sexually abused and terrorized as a young girl and was thus scarred for life sexually.

She says that when she met me she was overwhelmed with sexual attraction and was convinced that she was "past" all those negative feelings and scars from her childhood. She was not, of course, and as a result it has been a very lonely road for me as a husband--going most of the time with my primary needs unfulfilled.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't imagine that if your spouse is a nonstop booty call and that's it, that that's so wonderful either.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

roymcavoy said:


> Nor, would I advise anybody else to settle for anything less than a passionate, "animal attraction" and heartfelt connection.


What's are those? :scratchhead:

If we ALL had that in our marriages, there would be no 'TAM'. We'd all be happy and skipping along through our days. 

But, instead we're here griping about what we don't have in our marriages. What else would we do all day, everyday.....to get through the day?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Heh. I'm on TAM because I like talking about marriage. You know, the title of the site. I don't have marital problems. Not all the posters here have marital problems. Some of us just like to talk about marriage.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

roymcavoy said:


> GOOD question!
> 
> I hate griping! It's nice to commiserate with people who "get it" though!


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


It does make the day go by faster! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not a good idea to get involved romantically with someone you have no chemistry with.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's not a good idea to get involved romantically with someone you have no chemistry with.


Why do you think not?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because if you don't even have chemistry with someone, there is nothing that differentiates that relationship from a platonic one.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Because if you don't even have chemistry with someone, there is nothing that differentiates that relationship from a platonic one.


Good answer


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

shaylady said:


> From the threads I've read before joining I have a question. Did anyone marry their spouse knowing there was no chemistry or passion in the relationship? Maybe meeting your spouse and seeing how nice they were and how drama free they were is what made you feel like this person was the one?
> 
> The reason I ask is because couples may be unfilfilled, unhappy and not satisfied because they married someone who is more like a friend than a spouse. Chemistry and passion has to exist for a marriage to survive.
> 
> Any thoughts?


I would never marry someone if there was no chemistry/passion.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I will add this:

Being kind, genuine, responsible, giving, handsome, and God fearing are qualities I wanted in a man i plan to spend the rest of my life with. I think it is a hard decision to have the man with those qualities and not decide to marry because the spark is not there. Now that we are older I see that we are both really nice people. I think we are both so nice that people sometimes take our kindness for weakness but I have a serious backbone and he does not. He can't say no thinking he may hurt a persons feelings and that may be why that spark just wont IGNITE for me. But all the other qualities listed above I'm blessed to have.


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