# Just caught my husband cheating



## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

I can not even believe that I am on a forum like this having his issue. I am totally blindsided as I am sure most are. On July 19th I caught my husband cheating on me. I woke to the shower on at 5:50 am. Something picked me up out of bed and I went to his phone. NEVER in 15 years of being together have I looked at his phone! It was like I was lead there and to my surprise I see him texting a friend. He was leaving to bring her coffee and a bagel and it said I can wait to give you a kiss. Needless to say I was seeing triple and tried to read up more and see all the flirting and talk and then he gets out of the shower within a minute. Never does he do that and comes running in. Everything just hit the fan after that. I texted her and said he would not be coming over and we just started the talking and crying phase of things. I am very thankful my oldest was away so we had a week just with my two younger ones to get through this. I have never been so broken in my life and he literally had to pick me up each day to try and focus on work etc. 

I was SOOO angry but then just started praying. For some reason the anger turned into me wanting him more being there for him and him just holding me was the only thing that makes me feel okay. 

He has been SOOO honest which is the part that is killing me more. He is not "in love" with me anymore but he loves me. That hurts that just melts me. For years we have had issues with just not having enough time for each other. We have 3 active kids going in a million directions we both work full time due to $ issues and by the time the night comes around I am exhausted. I will own up to no giving him enough but I have also asked him for so much to like time for us and to be alone. We have friends and family around everytime we do anything. 

The not enough sex talks where only when he was drinking and just being mean. Never have we sat down sober and expressed our feelings. I should have reached out more and he should have too. In the big picture we have an amazing life and get along great. 

I am dealing with being broken right now crying a lot trying to get myself together but I am so weak. He is here with me and talking with me but the honestly of him not loving me hurts. We are going to go to counseling he wants to try and work on things. He told me he has not spoke to her but he did think of her last week. 

I am sure these are all normal emotions I just don't know where to go. Today I got up went to the gym and am trying to take care of me. I deserve to be loved 110% and need to remind myself of that. I am willing to pray, go to counseling and do whatever it takes but I wish he would chase me more. I will work at it and keep this family apart but only if he makes it happen. 

Just broken a friend sent me here she said this saved her marriage so I am hoping to read positive stories and get encouragement from you all. Thank you for listening to my rambling


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I'm sorry broken. I know this is a shock take ur time and process ur feelings and whats happening to u. Stay strong.


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## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

Thank you I know it takes time


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It does and you are going to go through so many emotions and you may rock back and forth between them in a short period of time. Are you in a safe place right now? both physically and emotionally?


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## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

Yes I am I have a great support system and I have my 3 kids who keep me going. The normal nor eating like I should being so sick to my stomach and emotionally drained but would never be dumb about anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He may be in what they describe as the "fog of Infidelity" where the spouse is an ogre or ogress and the new love interest is riding with them on a pink unicorn.

Hopefully he can pull his head of of his rear ASAP! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

broken143

I'm sorry you are here, infidelity is brutal and reconciliation is very difficult work. How long has this affair been happening? Has it gone to a physical affair or is it an emotional affair? How did the affair start? Does he work with his affair partner (AP)? I have been reconciling with my WW for over a year, it's very difficult to do. 

Couple more questions, is your husband remorseful?
Is your husband blame shifting to you? 
Do you want reconciliation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jenipher (Aug 1, 2015)

Hello, I am so sorry you are in such pain. I understand EXACTLY what you are going through. I was married for 23 years. We met at 18, put him through pharmacy school, had two kids and I was supposed to be married forever!

Like you, I had a gut feeling. Something weird was going on but THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. I finally reached a point I started snooping and found he was talking with someone. I confronted him and he admitted everything...it was brutal. My life fell apart.

He stayed for about a week after he admitted everything and I still couldn't get him to agree to STOP the affair. I made him leave. I could not be with a man who didn't want me. Of course I wanted to work it out...I read every relationship book, I blamed myself, I apologized for whatever I wasn't doing right. 

I found myself on the steps of a church nearby and a lady helped me up and let me cry. After that, she got a group to pray with me, every week we prayed...

The blur of every day, the weakness, the anxiety. Then there are moments you forget and the pain socks you in the stomach. I took all my strength to get kids to school and I'd come home and kneel at my bed and pray. Then muster as much strength to get kids and act normal for the evening. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced. That happened to me 10 years ago and I lived.

Once he was free to engage in his affair without hiding, it fizzled out just like everyone said it would....but he still needed to sow some oats.....It killed me. He plain out didn't want me. a year later, he thought he still had my heart....to be honest, I thought he did too. I was so excited to give it a go again. I just couldn't... it was too late.

I had talked with so many people who had happy endings and I hope your story is one of them. These affairs are short lived. The grass is never greener on the other side. 

The excitement of an affair is refreshing. Its an intimate relationship that doesn't involve responsibilities of bills, kids, etc. Just know, only a small percentage of affairs survive. Its almost better to let it run its course.....as much as it hurts.

You don't even know it, but the pain you are feeling now is making you into a wonderful, strong and amazing woman! I survived it and came out a different person. He forced the little housewife to become a confident, independent woman. Once I came out of the Fog, I put all my energy into selling homes. I got dressed up everyday, I looked good and people could see the change. I had five closings the next month and felt powerful. 

I'm sure you have heard that you can't change him, but you can change you.....its very true. When the ex finally realized what I had become, he wanted me back. Unfortunately, it was just a bit too late.

Hang in there....Hugs!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry that you are here. How old are you and your husband? How many children & what ages are they? How long have you been married? Do you know the Other Woman? How long is your husband's affair?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken 143, so sorry you are here, the pain is gut wrenching but you will survive as some here have already told you. You need a plan of action.

In your Op you said that you were responsible too for the breakdown in the marriage, please do not take this burden on yourself, he and only he is responsible for his affair and it is up to HIM to make things right including going to the ends of the earth to make it right. If he doesn't show this level of committment, R will not work and you are flogging a dead horse. Be prepared for this.

If he is giving you the 'ILYBNIL" speak then he is still in his affair fog. You desire for him to be there, next to you etc is nothing more than a very common and natural response to the situation where you crave closeness and even sex after discovering adultery as you want to take back what you have lost. That will pass when the full reality of the situation hits you.

You need to leave him out of the picture, stop clinging to him, this may sound counter intuitive but a needy clingy person is not attractive (esp when he has an alternative).
Start focusing on you, do things for you, be the best person you can be, occupy your time with your kids, work, volunteering, meeting friends, etc. Show him that you can exist without him.

1. he has to know how badly this has hurt you and come clean on everything (u will discover that this is rare, though you said he was honest, trickle truth is more likely what will happen)
2. he has to be sorry for the affair and how it has hurt you, remorse must be evident
3. he must stop all contact with her, no working with her, no phone calls, etc
4. you must set boundaries immediately, access to his phone, pc, he must be an open book about everything
5. Consider MC if and only if that is what YOU want
6. Do not allow him to pass the blame onto you with comments like 'if i was happy in the marriage..., ILYBNIL with you.......you had no time for me....blah blah blah, cheaters do this so they don't have to take responsibility

You will get through this as many of the stories on the site attest to, put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

broken143 said:


> I can not even believe that I am on a forum like this having his issue. I am totally blindsided as I am sure most are. On July 19th I caught my husband cheating on me. I woke to the shower on at 5:50 am. Something picked me up out of bed and I went to his phone. NEVER in 15 years of being together have I looked at his phone! It was like I was lead there and to my surprise I see him texting a friend.
> 
> He has been SOOO honest which is the part that is killing me more. He is not "in love" with me anymore but he loves me. That hurts that just melts me.
> 
> We are going to go to counseling he wants to try and work on things. He told me he has not spoke to her but he did think of her last week.


Broken,

First, sorry that you are now a member of the "club" no-one wants to join.

You checked his phone because you suspected (gut instinct) something was going on. You are only 3 weeks out. Your emotions are all over the place... expected and normal.

Honesty... It reads as if your H is still in the affair fog. Don't believe or trust his words without verification. Always remember, his actions not his words. Cheaters are liars by very definition. If you want to know the Truth, now is the time. If you wait and let the months roll by, the Truth will erode away as he compartmentalizes and justifies his betrayal.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

broken143 said:


> I can not even believe that I am on a forum like this having his issue. I am totally blindsided as I am sure most are. On July 19th I caught my husband cheating on me. I woke to the shower on at 5:50 am. *Something picked me up out of bed and I went to his phone.* NEVER in 15 years of being together have I looked at his phone! It was like I was lead there and to my surprise I see him texting a friend.
> 
> *He has been SOOO honest which is the part that is killing me more*. He is not "in love" with me anymore but he loves me. That hurts that just melts me.
> 
> *We are going to go to counseling *he wants to try and work on things. He *told me he has not spoke to her* but he did think of her last week.


Broken,

First, sorry that you are now a member of the "club" no-one wants to join.

You checked his phone because you suspected (gut instinct) something was going on. You are only 3 weeks out. Your emotions are all over the place... expected and normal.

Tough Love and Honesty... It reads as if your H is still in the affair fog. Don't believe or trust his words without verification. Always remember, his actions not his words. Cheaters are liars by very definition. If you want to know the Truth, now is the time. If you wait and let the months roll by, the Truth will erode away as he compartmentalizes and justifies his betrayal. I would suggest he provide a Time-Line. I didn't do this with my FWW and have regretted it. 

MC... your husband has stated he has maintained NC... don't believe it. MC in hopes of R is a plain wasted of Time and Money if he is still holding on to the affair. Never forget, marriage is a 50/50 deal, his affair is 100% his and his alone. 

Bottom line... it seems you want your Marriage back and are bent on R. As counter intuitive as it seems, you cannot "nice" him back. Your "old" marriage is over. R will only work when he becomes "broken" to the damage he has dealt. Have you exposed the affair? The OWH deserves the truth, would you want to be left in the dark?


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## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

I am sorry my account locked me out for days I could not get the password reset or anything I am finally back and have this on my phone now and hope I am using it and responding right! 

I have 3 kids they are 9,10 and 14. It was more of an emotional affair but yes there was some physical I have learned. On Friday night I think I got it all out of him. He had told me the time of connection but he was leaving out the "kissing" part and also a lunch they had one time. I could see in his eyes a sense of relief when he got it all out. I stayed so strong I did not cry honestly at this point even if they had sex I could not be more broken I just want the whole truth so I can try and mend and move forward. 

His parents are involved and he has a great support group lifting him up and helping him with his feelings and he was in a FOG for sure. I am staying strong not chasing him as I felt the need to do in the beginning. Its crazy that we do that. I am here to try and rebuilt and start this marriage over only if he is remorseful and chases me. I know him very well and will see that in his eyes not just his actions. We are going to start counseling is 100% willing to go. I need to see if I can recover from this as well. I can't promise I can and I told him that this weekend but I Have 3 kids and will give it all I have to do my part. 

aine- the information you gave me was amazing and really put me in my place and gave me the courage to be strong. I can never thank you enough. 

Jenipher- thank you or sharing your story with me. It is so nice to know we are not alone and others live through this. I am so strong and know I can get through anything but in the first few weeks here I am so weak. I can hardly get up either each day gets better and then something knocks me down again. I am glad thing are better for you I am looking forward to that day.

rwb and everyone else thank you. The support on here is amazing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Aw broken, I'm so sorry you're here. I discovered my ex was a serial cheater after 28 years of marriage. It shakes you to the core.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. I know it sounds weird, but it really seems to be the only thing that works around here. In my case, my ex couldn't run out the door soon enough, but we had other issues.

So, he must end the affair-TODAY. 
he must provide you with complete access to all accounts, email, phone, text, chats, FB, everything.
He must write a no contact letter to the OW, allow you to see it, and you watch him send it.
If he is unwilling to do this, then you can be sure the affair is still ongoing, and any "words" spoken to you are disingenuous.

Now, for you, you have some additional work. First, go to the MD. Because one of the other perks of being a betrayed spouse is getting checked for STD's. (The fun just keeps on going). Do not believe him if he says they didn't have sex. He's already lied and betrayed you, he will continue as long as possible. Also discuss with your MD the possible need for anti-depressants. Sometimes its needed and sometimes it helps.

Secondly, make an appointment with an attorney. No you don't have to file, but you have to armed with information. Go to the appointment knowing things like the balance on mortgages, retirement accounts, savings, credit cards etc. Get a general idea of how a divorce would leave you in terms of support, custody, marital assets. You need the preliminary meeting because if your H drags his feet, you have to present him with a separation agreement.

So to help you in acquiring the strength for all this take a look at 

Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Unfaithful Spouse

Post here anytime you need to. This place is very supportive.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is a liar and a cheat and as such, a poor excuse for a man. Remember this when you look at him next.

His telling you that he is not in love with you is his way of justifying his need to sleep with this girl (which is what he wants to do by the way). If he admits to kissing her then the chances are high that he has slept with her too.

So right now he is just justifying pursuing and fulfilling his hedonistic randy needs. When he realises that she is not all he thinks she is or when his lust dies down he will regret it.

In any case he needs to become a better man.

You, in the meantime, need to start taking care of yourself and your kids. See an attorney and protect yourself, your finances and custodial rights. Do the 180 with him and remember this is to improve your mind well-being. Trust nothing he says (nothing!) - verify everything (everything!).


Secure any proof you can gather - take snapshots of the messages and save to a place he cannot reach.


Find out who this other woman is and if she is married or in a relationship and without telling him you are going to do it, expose the affair to her other half. Blow up the affair if you can.


Start getting yourself ready to stand on your feet and support yourself (but don't let him off the hook for child support and alimony). File for divorce and be prepared to go through with it.  If for any reason you change your mind, you can stop it later.


Now, in terms of changing your mind, he at the very least is going to have to




Provide you with complete transparency to his whereabouts, communications etc.


Tell you the whole truth - no trickle truthing and no leaving stuff out or not answering questions on details with "I dont remember".


Show through actions not words how sorry he is for hurting you and your family - simply saying it is not enough and feeling sorry is not enough because more often than not they are actually sorry they got caught not because of the hurt they caused although they will say this).


Own their wrongdoing and not try to blame anyone else for it - you may have had marital problems which you might be 50% responsible but the affair is all on him.


I'll leave it at that for now but you are going to get some valuable advice here from the others so its worth listening to it. Take care.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Hey there Broken,

I'm a few weeks out myself from a cheating situation, and I empathize completely with what you're feeling. My WW's actions were a bit worse, so I went straight for the D, but even with it I have good days and very bad days. Some days I'm whistling, thinking of my freedom, and some days with thoughts about the betrayal and custody I can barely get out of bed.

My advice from being in the thick of it myself:

- Read many of the other threads here. You will see the same stories play out, over and over, with the details all so depressingly alike. After that, read your own again, and IMO you will see some major red flags (like 'ILYBINILWY', 'it wasn't physical', etc).

- Don't trust anything he says about what they did and how serious it was. Cheaters are notorious for 'trickle-truthing'.. only copping to what you know, and whitewashing the rest. I held out and gathered court-ready evidence for quite awhile, and when I finally confronted, I didn't play the cards I was holding to see what kind of truth she would provide. Her initial 'I don't know what you're talking about' quickly became 'it was just lunch with a guy' and then 'OK I had one quick affair but it's been over for a long time' to 'OK I met a lot of men but no sex' to all sorts of worse stuff as I dropped more and more evidence.

- In that vein, now that you confronted, even if he 'comes clean' ad gives you access to his stuff, there's a chance he'll just take it futher underground.. hidden phones, downloading chat apps and using them, then wiping them, that sort of stuff. 'ILYBINILWY' to me is a sign that he's not remorseful, but he'll hang around if you let him.. and still keep at it.

- Read up on Mid Life Crises.. I don't know if it applies to your situation but it was a real eye opener for me: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physic...s/278458-mlc-midlife-crisis-my-wife-wind.html YMMV, but this described my situation to a T. The major things I took away from this is that the WS blames the BS for everything, and you can't shake them out of it from your actions. If you think an MLC is to blame, unfortunately the options are to weather it out, continue taking the abuse, and hope he wakes up, or stand up for yourself and end it. Again, read the stories here and make your own choice, but IMO it's a real gamble with a cheater to think they'll stop, and you have to decide if your happiness is worth being the guinea pig. Not to mention, with trust this broken, things won't be easy anyway.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you reconcile do you think you'll continue with the low sex life?


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## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

Thank you for the new messages I am going to read into some of those suggestions tonight. 

I have one big question that is waying heavy on my heart today. I want expert advice not advice of just "getting back" at her and him. Do I tell the husband what I have found out? We know them we have tons of friends in the same group. 

Part of me feels he must know if tables were turned I would want to know asap! 

the second part of me I think is just scared. I am scare them both her and my husband will be out there and it will bring them closer together he may just walk out on her and also I feel my husband will be so mad at me. 

JUMP down my throat now I know these second thoughts are no my problem I am just so scared. He should not be mad if he wants to work it out with me he needs to stand by me. 

She has 2 young kids too this is there life and future and why should she walk away with him not knowing how many more families could she ruin then down the road you know?? 

help opinions thank you!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry, OP. Your husband is in a full blown affair. Don't kid yourself by saying that this is an emotional affair only. He has told you that he is "not in love with you", but loves you. I don't believe that this is over for him. He is slowed down because you have three children with him and the family is involved.

I believe that he is seeing a single woman? He is bringing her coffee and a bagel. How romantic of him. I bet you, that he never brought you coffee and bagel in the morning this early. He is texting her at 5:30 a.m. in the morning.

Your seeing a marriage counselor is a start. You must be prepared for the worst. You might reconcile, but be prepared for this affair to continue or another affair such as this one will happen again. My sister went through infidelities of her husband's similar to yours until she finally woke up and filed for a divorce. She has two children. Sorry that you are in this place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, you ABSOLUTELY tell her husband. Right now.

Second, cheaters will continue to cheat, even if they say they won't, without serious consequences. It's just basic psychology. YOUR job is setting up the consequences. HIS job is adhering to them or losing you. And trust me, you MUST be willing to send him packing if he refuses to do what you need.

What you need needs to include the items in this list:
He writes a No Contact letter to her explaining why he can never contact her again. He shows you the letter (email) and YOU approve it and send it.
He agrees that you two will never be in any group or outing that includes her, ever again. If they show up, you leave. Period.
He goes to your parents and explains to them what he did.
He finds a marriage counselor and sets up the long-term consistent appointments and HE ATTENDS THEM until you're satisfied that the problems are fixed.
He agrees to spend at least 10 hours a week with JUST YOU - no kids, no friends, just you two. And he consistently maintains this, no excuses. FYI: THIS - time together - is how you stay in love, how you get BACK in love.
He takes off all passwords on all his electronics or else gives you the passwords and WILLINGLY hands over any of his electronics that you randomly ask to see, for the foreseeable future.
He installs a GPS on his phone so that you can monitor where he goes. And he doesn't balk at it.


If he is unwilling to do these things, wish him well, and call your lawyer. Because if he's unwilling to do these things, he WILL cheat again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I second Turnera, her husband must be made aware if there is any chance of stopping this. It is likely your H will promise you a lot and not follow through. For now do listen to his words only his actions. If the OW is busy saving her marriage she will have no time to destroy yours. It is only but fair and right that her husband knows what is happening too.

Your WH will probably be mad, this is normal, let him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It's al in the post I have sent you - bullet by bullet. I didn't write that lightly or frivolously.

None of it is about getting back at him - it's all about helping you. And yes, tell the OWH immediately - besides being the right thing to do it will get your husband to focus on the real problem in hand!


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

You need to tell the husband. If you don't it will eat away at you and months or years from now you will wish you told but will feel like it's "too late"...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would tell the husband.

The hard part is what others have said, that you do not have the entire story. If your husband said they kissed, then they more then likely had sex. If he admits to having sex once, they had sex 10 times. Too many of us have been down this road and it sometimes takes a two by four up against the head, several times, for us to get it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Absolutely tell her husband. His marriage is being impacted just as much as yours is but he doesn't know it (and you would want him to tell you if he were in your place). He may decide to repair his marriage or he may decide to divorce but that's his decision to make and he needs the information you have in order to do that. 

Your husband won't like it all blowing up but when he cheated he gave up the right to be angry. He should be extremely grateful every single moment that you are giving him a second chance to keep his family together (many spouses have a "one and done" attitude when it comes to cheating). 

It's a very hard road when you R. Be prepared for many ups and downs and lots of triggers (that part can often last years). Trust lost is difficult to regain. But many people R successfully and there's no reason, if he's truly remorseful, that you can't be a success story.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

broken143 said:


> Thank you for the new messages I am going to read into some of those suggestions tonight.
> 
> I have one big question that is waying heavy on my heart today. I want expert advice not advice of just "getting back" at her and him. Do I tell the husband what I have found out? We know them we have tons of friends in the same group.
> 
> ...



Yes you must tell her husband immediately – expose far and wide, do not let cheaters hide in the dark and do not worry about their feelings. Most likely her H will kick her out and file immediately when he finds out (I would) - but also likely he already suspects or knows the facts. Tell him anyway, he may not know who his W is sleeping with. 
Most R do not work, they are hard, difficult and painful. Do not sweep this under the rug; believe only what you see and nothing he says. Do not believe everything he says especially about PA - he will become an expert at trickly truth. His actions will tell you if there is any chance of R not words. ITs all on him, promise him nothing. But if you plan to try R and want it to succeed you have to work from a place of strength and being in control. He has to know that you are willing to walk away. The person that is willing to walk away to maintain their respect is in control. Thast the only way to save this. Good luck, just know that a successful R could take up to 5 years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Her husband is suffering a broken marriage, but he doesn't know why. Poor fellow. He may be blaming himself. 

You might be able to help him.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree, you must tell the husband. Forget all the worries you have...of course he'll be mad at you...but why? If he's understanding then maybe his remorse is somewhere near real. If he's mad it's because you've hurt his lover. Somewhere in the middle means a bit of both. His reactions will tell you a lot.

The biggest problem that you have is that he is still in love with her. The best thing you can do (which at this point I think will be impossible for you, but if you can see the logic this will help you enormously) is to show him you can live without him and to start treating him as the person that he doesn't want to be with...and thus....you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. 

You want what you can't have. He wants this woman. He has you. He can't have her. He has you. Get it? 

What have you valued most in life? That, that you had to work hard for? Or that, that came easy? It works the same. You make yourself unavailable, he starts to see what he's going to lose and starts to worry. Starts to question. Starts to realise. Just as Jennifer said, she wasn't bothered anymore once the shine of his relationship wore off and he realised he'd made a mistake. The sooner you can help him realise his mistake (by showing him his loss in actions not words) the sooner you have a chance of saving this marriage. Before you end up not bothered about it too.

As said above, the only way to save the marriage is to show you are more than capable and 'happy' and 'willing' to lose it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with everyone here about exposing the affair to the husband, and to everyone you both know.

I was married for 25 years, and we have a 13-year-old son, when I found out he'd been cheating - same deal - because of a text message. I got the classic trickle truth for weeks. First, she was just someone he "might be interested in, but nothing's happened yet." Then, he met her while out of state visiting friends, they hit it off and they talk and text often, but he hadn't slept with her. Then, he admitted he actually went back to see her, lying about where he was, and had sex with her "one time" over a five-day visit. Then, finally, they actually had sex every day, sometimes a couple times a day.

She is older than I am, with adult children, and widowed. No husband to tell, but I also didn't tell any of our friends and family for over a month, because I was afraid of making him mad. Which was stupid. When I finally did tell his sister two months later, she was appalled, told their whole family, and they all read him the riot act. But it was too late. He has bonded with her, we are divorced (like Pluto's ex, he couldn't divorce me fast enough), and he plans to move her down to where we are by the end of this year.

That's my one regret in all this - that I didn't tell everyone as soon as I found out. If nothing else, I wouldn't have felt so alone for those two months and would have gotten a lot more support. I also think we should have told our son right away - especially when it was clear in our case that my ex had zero interest in R - instead, he was left to wonder for two months why Mom was so sad all the time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, tell everyone who will listen. Expose them both, affairs only thrive in secrecy and in the dark. The rose coloured glasses will come off pretty soon when your WH and the OW are confronted with what they are doing to two families, common friends, etc. Your family, his family, friends, everyone should be told. The affair fog will clear when people start to move away from them and frown upon their activities.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Again

Like many here.. You need to expose the affair.. 

If he is going to leave you.. He will leave you regardless.. TRUST ME and Trust everyone here telling you so.. 

Exposing is *NOT* to punish.. It is to give you breathing room to fix your marriage with your husband..

If this other husband doesn't know.. It means they can still sneak around..

BUT if he knows.. Then this other women will have EYES on her as well.. She will have her own issues to contend with between her own husband and family and kids.. 

I had no such luck.. Thus my wife left me after *FAKING *to want to reconcile.. She was just biding her time and we ended up spending a bunch of money on useless therapy and counseling over the course of 4 months.. It was about 2 to 3 sessions a week @ 100 dollars a session ( many times it was 3 times a week ). I spent easily 3k from Sept to Dec.. 

You need to accept that unless you are utterly certain, that your husband did fvck this woman.. Again I know.. Its a hard fvcking pill to swallow.. But it's a hard reality.. Look when this stuff happens like this with people you know.. It happens fast.. There is no courtship period.. They get the whole gist of what's is going on.. Its straight to the fvcking.. 

He is not supportive, your husband.. He is a d0uchebag like they all are, male or female.. D0uchebaggery crosses all sexual boundaries.. 

Like Turnera said in her post.. You need to put out some rules and consequences.. AND have the guts/balls to follow it through.. 

Otherwise you are* DOOOOMED* to* FAIL*.. 

He has to know you will crush him if he lies even a single bit to you.. Otherwise he will be fvcking the both of you literally and physically for as long as he can..

Keep posting in this same thread.. 

But again you are not out of the woods by a LONG SHOT...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> D0uchebaggery crosses all sexual boundaries.. ...


Truer words have never been said, HTH.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Broken, I know you're an emotional wreck right now, but please go get an STD test done. Right now you are clinging to a guy that doesn't love you, so you need to work extra hard at seeing clearly and help yourself. Don't bend over backwards for a man who has made his choices. He didn't choose you. You choose you. X


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

I may have missed this part, but how long has this been going on for?
Is this a 6 day, 6 week, 6 month, 6 year affair...?
Adults like sex, married people are used to having regular sex, I doubt he was bringing bagels and coffee in the early morning to someone he just talks with.

The ILYBIANILWY is classic cheater talk and is often used as justification, but it may also be the harsh truth. 
Do you really want to stay in that kind of a marriage and worse still be the policeman of his actions forever more, as you can never really trust him completely again?

Reconciliation is hard work and whilst many it seems to me stay, many never really get over it either. It is the spectre at every feast.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I just want to say I think that *I was able to successfully reconcile* with my Ex wife through several of *her emotional affairs*.. 

Maybe in the end my Ex wife couldn't though...

Look being on the sh!t end of the stick several times I can tell you, you can eventually let it go and forgive.. But after having it done several times to me and then my Ex wife eventually leaving.. I can tell you the ordeals have scarred me for life and have caused me many issues in my new relationships.. 

I'm okay *TODAY* with my Ex wife leaving.. But how she left and how she treated me I will never forgive or forget.. I can I truly felt it should have been her turn to be understanding the same way I was all those times she had some sort of EA and begged to come back and fix it.. 

I felt she owed me.. 

But it's not impossible to move on from this.. 

But as Turnera and others have posted.. You really need to have a take no sh!t attitude about it and be ready to to tell him in a split second *"Get the Fvck Out"* if need be.. 

Hindsight being 20/20 as it is.. I think if my Ex wife would have seen a no bullsh!t attitude from me the first time around, there would have not been other times.. She would have known if she got caught she would be out on her a$$..


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## broken143 (Aug 7, 2015)

All of these posts are awesome and sooooo helpful. I appreciate each of you sharing your stories with me. I wish I heard more success stories. Someone had asked it was for 3 months BUT 1 month of it we were away traveling so he was not with her and hardly able to communicate. 

I keep reading over each and every post and will continue to do so to stay strong. I have a really good support system which I am thankful for. Over the last week I have gotten so strong and am taking care of myself. I wake up sisk to my stomach every morning but push through and deal with each days challenges. He has not broken down and ben 100% remorseful yet. He is working on things I know though. In the mean time I am getting stronger by the time he ready to come clean and be remorseful 110% I maybe over it. 

Trying my best to be positive get counseling and save things for us and our kids. We shall see time will tell. 

Once again thank you I could not do what I am doing with out you all. xoxo

I don't know how to quote people and respond to each individually. lol


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I just want to say I think that *I was able to successfully reconcile* with my Ex wife through several of *her emotional affairs*..
> 
> Maybe in the end my Ex wife couldn't though...
> 
> ...


Hard be a little easier on yourself.:smile2:
We were taught the opposite of what attracted women.
It's our job as guys in our late 40's to inform the poor simps out there who are younger this is not the case.
Hope you get your back better.
LIGHT weights!!!


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