# Don't know what to do anymore



## firefighter (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

I'm here because I'm lost and completely beaten down by my wife. We have been together for 3 years now and known one another for about 8. Throughout our marriage we have been on this roller coaster that is never ending. We have 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl who are just about a year, and 2 1/2 years. 

A series of things have been going on and I can't seem to figure out what it is. Her whole mentality and personality has changed ever since we have had kids. She used to be this sweet loving individual who really cherished life and wanted more out of life. It was like a switch one moment she is fine and then the next she is screaming and yelling and throwing all kinds of huge fits; over things that don't make any sense. For instance: I was watching a movie and she was out running errands and when she got home. All hell broke out cause I didn't call her to ask what movie she wanted to watch, when she wasn't even home to begin with. That's not even the tip of the ice-berg. Everyday I wake up wondering man I wonder whats going to set her off today. She also is very disrespectful in many ways. Anything from name calling, scolding, slapping me, throwing my stuff out, trying to kick me out, and so on. Then 2 hours later its "I love you, your my world" blah blah blah. Its really terrible at times, she even torments me with stupid text messages all day with, you don't love me, you don't care about me and so on. Its un real with what is going on. I need help I need to know what to do about this.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

My opinion, she wants you to stand up to her, to stop avoiding conflict with her or walking on eggshells around her.

Spend time on this forum to learn about "fitness tests", and how a woman will spiral into lack of respect and resentment toward the man who routinely fails them.

These links below tend to address issues that decrease a woman's sexual attraction to her man, but just as important they address issues that decrease a womans RESPECT for her man as well.

Spend time reading these things, maybe someting will resonate with your situation.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


And ask yourself this question, are you yourself the same man now as you were before kids? 

If answer is yes, then look for areas you may be letting slide in responsibility department as father to children, even merely PERCEPTION that you maybe missing someting, to a woman who is young mother, she will then feel weight of world on shoulders and take her frustration or insecurity out on you. Make sure you taking care of your fathering business!!!

If answer is no, then look for areas you may be letting slide concerning your own sexual attraction to your woman, to not lose the funny, or interesting, or adventurous or determined man she fell in love with in the first place. Do not let yourself be too domesticated!!! 

I wish you well.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Firefighter, welcome to the TAM forum. IMO, the two most likely explanations for the roller coaster ride is (a) a hormone problem following childbirth or (b) strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behavior you describe -- verbal and physical abuse, inability to control emotions, temper tantrums, hissy fits over nothing, and black-white thinking (loving you one minute and hating you the next) -- are classic traits of BPD. These traits also can appear, however, due to a hormone problem following childbirth (or following a head injury).

Because my exW suffers from BPD, I will share some of my experiences with that. If these traits sound familiar and ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them further with you. At the outset, I should caution that BPD traits arise from genetics and/or a trauma experienced in early childhood. They start showing themselves at about age 15 or 16. They usually do not appear, however, during the honeymoon period because the woman's infatuation with you will hold her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. 

I mention this because, if your W has strong BPD traits, it is highly unlikely you would have seen no red flags for an entire year after you had started dating. Unless it was a LD relationship, they likely would have started appearing within six months -- when the infatuation starts fading.


firefighter said:


> She also is very disrespectful in many ways. Anything from name calling, scolding, slapping me, throwing my stuff out, trying to kick me out, and so on. Then 2 hours later its "I love you, your my world" blah blah blah.


This behavior -- where her perception of you flips in ten seconds as though a switch had been thrown in her head -- is called "black-white" thinking. It occurs when a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize them, in a few seconds, from one polar extreme (adoring you) to the other (hating you) based on a meaningless comment or minor infraction. This type of all-or-nothing thinking is a hallmark of BPD traits because BPDers (those with strong traits) cannot tolerate ambiguities and gray areas. To a BPDer, every person is "with her" or "against her."


> Everyday I wake up wondering whats going to set her off today.


BPDers carry enormous anger and hurt deep inside from early childhood. You therefore do not have to actually do anything to create the anger. It is already there. All you have to do is say something minor that inadvertently triggers a sudden release of that anger. And you never know exactly what will trigger it. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses and partners) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> Throughout our marriage we have been on this roller coaster that is never ending.


Another hallmark of a BPDer is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle you are describing. It occurs due to the twin fears of engulfment and abandonment, as I explain at the thread I provide a link for below.


> It was like a switch one moment she is fine and then the next she is screaming and yelling and throwing all kinds of huge fits; over things that don't make any sense.


Again, if your W has strong BPD traits, this is mostly explained by the twin fears and her emotional instability. Part of this is due to a BPDer's great fear of engulfment -- the feeling of suffocation she feels during intimacy. This is why a BPDer will create the worst fights -- over absolutely nothing -- immediately following a great weekend together or a very intimate evening. She will do it to push you away, giving her breathing space. Yet, as you back off to give her space, you will eventually trigger her other fear, abandonment. The result is an endless cycle of push-away and pull-you-back.

If this discussion rings a bell, Firefighter, I suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Blacksmith's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. If that discussion is helpful, I suggest you also read my posts in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Take care, Firefighter.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

If this got worse after she had kids she might have post partem depression. Or she could be affected negatively by hormonal birth control now that she's had kids. I found I couldn't take hormones after my 2nd child. They literally made me feel crazy.

Or she could simply be overwhelmed. If she had issues before she had kids, the kids just magnified it. Having 2 little ones can make anyone crazy if you don't have the skills to cope with it.

She is the one that needs help not you. Does she see this?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's also possible that she's just plain nutz or evil. She's an adult, responsible for her actions, just as you are. How long would she tolerate such behavior from you?


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> If this got worse after she had kids she might have post partem depression. Or she could be affected negatively by hormonal birth control now that she's had kids. I found I couldn't take hormones after my 2nd child. They literally made me feel crazy.
> 
> Or she could simply be overwhelmed. If she had issues before she had kids, the kids just magnified it. Having 2 little ones can make anyone crazy if you don't have the skills to cope with it.
> 
> She is the one that needs help not you. Does she see this?


Hormones are a stinker and it could very likely be PPD. If you are on HPPA forms I would recommend getting an appointment with her doc. It may be depression as well. First, take it easy on her. You have to walk on egg shells until you figure this out, your kids are at stake. She might be totally overwhelmed, tight on time, energy, money and literally feels like she can't take it anymore. 

Often times what we want, is so hard to deal with in the reality. Sex drive falls, energy? What is that? Is she up and down early, late, during the night. What kind of shifts do you work and how often is she alone with them one on one? When does she get a break? 

If you can't consult with her doc with your concerns I would suggest you start with little things like helping around the house, cooking or cleaning up after dinner, helping her put laundry away, take a few nights a week and put the kids down so she can go somewhere or just read in peace. My husband used to think he was doing me a HUGE favor by taking our child out to play while I cleaned up after dinner. Gee, thanks....

We had a husband attitude adjustement, that was He cleaned up after dinner AND watched our kid while I did what I wanted to do. Then until age appropriate, like 3 or so, he helped her with her bath and I got the fun part of bedtime story and clean kid, dishes put away, you get the picture? 

He started to learn how to diffuse, not complain about lack of sex but do his part to ensure it and yes, when he did things like rent a movie, he learned the hard way, to call me, the same way he learned the hard way that if I went out with someone and got home around 9 or so from a movie or the mall, to have the "kid" ready for bed and the house tidy...I'm just saying, you can't afford to be another "child" in her life..if it's not hormonal you really have to step up to the plate right now and help her out.

It's exhausting for you too, I understand but she also had the physicality of the pregnancies, deliveries and now hormones so the same way you would want her to try and support you, you need to do the same. Oh, and if you don't have a babysitter, get one, you, don't make her look for it..then schedule a regular date, even if it's movie and Starbucks -- I know all about tight money but we found a park and just got ice cream or went to a movie - and treat her like the woman you wanted to marry. Good Luck!!!


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