# ED related infidelity



## Neilpersonal (Sep 24, 2014)

Hi, I was wondering if anyone has had to deal with infidelity related to erectile dysfunction? This is what I'm facing with my wife. Our maririage had been rocky for a while and a reoccurring injury worsened resulting in my inability to achieve, or at least maintain a useful erection. This in turn created even more distance between my wife and I and ultimately contributed to her having an affair. 

Obviously ED is no excuse for infidelity, but I know that both my wife and I share some of the blame for this situation. Our sex life, which was never great has always been a source of a bit of frustration in our marriage and this ultimately lead to more deep routed tension. Even before the injury sex had decreased so much in frequency that it caused a lot of problems between us.

For me my inability to 'perform' only compounded my insecurities and caused me to go from feeling frustrated and inadequate to something five times worse. And without a doubt I didn't handle this problem very well. I know I unfairly took out my frustrations on our relationship and frankly a lot of the times I just acted like a jerk. 

And when I wasn't acting inappropriately I become uncommunicative and didn't engage very productively in our relationship. So I know I had a large role in what happened between us. 

As for my wife she obviously didn't behave perfectly either. She's always been a bit frustrated with the physical part of our relationship and the onset of my ED only illuminated this issue. My lack of communication about my problem and attitude served to compound these deficiencies. I know she said things to me and then (eventually) did things that she now regrets. But we cant take things back.

I was wondering if anyone else has ever dealt with a similar or related issue. I know I still love my wife and desperately want to try to work things out with her. I believe that she still loves me and also wants to try to salvage our marriage but I think she's less certain. I know she is physically dissatisfied and the tension that results from this aspect of our relationship has not gone away. Otherwise things have actually been pretty good. Excluding this issue we've settled into a peaceful existence at home. 

I would appreciate it if anyone has had any similar experience and would be willing to share their thoughts. 
Neil


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Is your wife still engaged in an affair? If so, the rest of it is probably a moot point.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried Viagra?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Neil

How old are you two? How long have you been married?

DO you have any children?

Can you give us more detail on your wife's affair?

Was it a ONS? Was it with another person? Was she trolling online?

Did you catch her or did she admit to the infidelity?

The facts are important.

HM


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Neil
> 
> How old are you two? How long have you been married?
> 
> ...



This^^^
Have you verified that there is no more contact.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree: :iagree:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as someone who cheated, but has never (afaik) been cheated on...

The problems in your marriage are what they are. They may have contributed to your wife feeling like having an affair would allow her to keep her marriage together and still have her intimacy needs met. But... The decision to cheat is entirely on her. 100%. And now, rather than just dealing with the problems you once had in your marriage, you have to deal with those PLUS the damage caused by her cheating. 

You two may be able to recover from this, but only if you're both 100% invested in fixing it. If she's not committed to that, to sign up a divorce lawyer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

One key element here is your age. If you’re in your 50’s rather than your 30’s this can be worked out much easier. 

Although I have never had to deal with ED, I know from friends that have that two things help. The first is for you to explore every avenue possible to make it better. 

The second is for good communication. Talk to her. Help her be a part of finding a solution for the both of you. You have to be very sensitive to her needs and do what it may take.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if you have ED, and are married, there are really two paths:
1) try all you can (drugs, injecitons, oral, anal, mutual rubbing, role play, bondage, etc) to float her boat

but sometimes
2) the only thing the woman craves is PIV sex with a hard penis. Everything else you try seems like desperation to her.

If it is 2), then you are fighting mother nature. You simply can not compete with another guy that has a vibrant penis. Its in her DNA, she does not have the mental strength to resist it. You tried *it all* in 1) and it was not enough.

I personally would allow her a hall pass in that case, and see if a ONS here or there, along with you trying hard with 1) can suffice. If not, it might be divorce time.

The only perverse benefit of ED, is that the woman is also usually past menopause, so her libido is waning, and her need for PIV sex is not very strong. i.e. you both can gracefully age and bow out of the sex thing. Maybe it is the small percentage of women whose libido actually increases post menopause that is the problem with a guy with ED. They are so horny for PIV sex, remember how it was when they were a teenager, and are searching again for that holy grail


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm sorry for your issues and being here.. 

Not much to ask *yet *beyond what everyone else already asked.. 

But just would like to give you my support as well.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Neilpersonal said:


> Hi, I was wondering if anyone has had to deal with infidelity related to erectile dysfunction? This is what I'm facing with my wife. Our maririage had been rocky for a while and a reoccurring injury worsened resulting in my inability to achieve, or at least maintain a useful erection. This in turn created even more distance between my wife and I and ultimately contributed to her having an affair.
> 
> I would appreciate it if anyone has had any similar experience and would be willing to share their thoughts.
> Neil


I went almost two years after prostate cancer surgery with zero erections. AFAIK, my wife didn't run around on me, but who knows.

How old are you both?

From what you say, I'm guessing she has had more sexual experience than you; what's her body count and what's yours?

How do the drugs (cialis, levitra, and viagra) work for you?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I posted earlier, then deleted it due to triggering, but I'll try again.

My ex had ED due to illness and medication. His cardiologist gave him a prescription for viagra. He had lots of issues, so he felt better about the world if he blamed me for his condition, instead of the state of his own health. One night he threw the bottle of viagra at me and said some pointedly cruel things.
Apparently he had no difficulties taking the meds for the OW.

So your having ED is-to me at least- irrelevant to your WS cheating. People cheat because they choose to. There are always alternatives. 
Hope this helps OP


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couples counselling and individual counselling. Have you explored these options?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

If you have nerve damage from an injury I don't believe Viagra of any other drug will help You may need to see a Nerve Specialist.

Human Growth hormone may help If Mach could reply (Banned again) he could answer that.

55


55


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> If you have nerve damage from an injury I don't believe Viagra of any other drug will help You may need to see a Nerve Specialist.


that is misleading. A trimix injection will produce a hard **** even if the nerves are completely gone. the downside, of course, is having to stick a big needle into your penis!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don't want to go the injection route your final option is the penile implant. The three stage model should run you about $12K in the US.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you for sharing so openly. It seems clear that you do love your wife and you want a healthy relationship with her. There are two key words that any marriage must become intimately familiar with if it is to succeed: grace and forgiveness. In order for the two of you to move forward, dealing with the hurt of the past is probably necessary.

Have you guys gotten involved in any kind of marriage counseling? A professional therapist could really help you wade through the issues and find a place of healing. I know this is possible because you have shared that both of you are willing. The most common ingredient to any marriage that changes is hope.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly believe things can change and fully expect that they will if you put in the effort. Blessings.


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## Neilpersonal (Sep 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the comments. Ive received a bunch of questions so I’ll do the best I can to answer them. 

I’m 37 and my wife is 32. We’ve been married for 10 years and have three children aged 9-5. 
My ED is related to a nerve problem in my back so its not because we’re getting older. My wife’s sex drive seems to be increasing not diminishing. It did slow for a bit when the children where younger but now that they are all in school it’s a lot easier and her libido is definitely higher now than anytime that I’ve known her. 
Any medicinal solution I’ve tried (Viagra, Cialis etc) have been completely ineffective. My Doctor has told me that he still thinks there a chance that over time my condition might improve enough to allow intercourse to occur. He’s warned me that he is less confident that this could occur now and further that even if it does improve my erections will never be as strong as I might like them.

My wife is currently not involved in her affair but our marriage is still far from perfect. I know that the reasons that caused her to seek a lover still exist and that she is very frustrated with the physical aspect of our relationship. We've both been pretty honest with each other and other than this issue I know she is fairly content in the marriage. I've told her I still love her the same way I ever have and want to make our marriage work. 

Thanks,
Neil


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## Neilpersonal (Sep 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the comments. Ive received a bunch of questions so I’ll do the best I can to answer them. 
I’m 37 and my wife is 32. We’ve been married for 10 years and have three children aged 9-5. 
My ED is related to a nerve problem in my back so its not because we’re getting older. My wife’s sex drive seems to be increasing not diminishing. It did slow for a bit when the children where younger but not that they are all in school it’s a lot easier and her libido is definitely higher now than anytime that I’ve known her. 
Any medicinal solution I’ve tried (Viagra, Cialis etc) have been completely ineffective. My Dr. has told me that he still thinks there a chance that over time my condition might improve enough to allow intercourse to occur. He’s warned me that he is now less confident that this could occur and cautioned me that even if it does my erections will never be as strong as I might like them.
My wife is not currently involved with the other man but the issues we have which placed our marriage under this strain still exist. I know I still love her deeply and want our family to stay together. She has told me the same but she also continues to be frustrated by the physical aspect of our relationship. 
I know what I want: to be in a happy, normal relationship with my wife and be able to meet her all needs, including physical. I also realize that this might not be possible. 

Neil


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's humiliating enough to a man to have ED issues in the first place. It's beyond the pale when his selfish-ass WW goes to another man for servicing. 

His dumbass wife should be the one to set up the MC and IC for her husband. Don't you think that is the least she can do?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> It's humiliating enough to a man to have ED issues in the first place. It's beyond the pale when his selfish-ass WW goes to another man for servicing.
> 
> His dumbass wife should be the one to set up the MC and IC for her husband. Don't you think that is the least she can do?


yes. a woman of any morals at all should ask for a hall pass first. There are PLENTY of women that only get off with PIV sex. You can rub or sex toy them all day long and get a bored "are you done yet" look back from them. But put a **** in her and its off to the races.

but in the OP's case, the horse is out of the barn, his penis is NOT functioning at full speed, so reconciliation is going to be a real problem. In this specific case, maybe allowing her to have outside partners, while keeping the rest of the marriage intact, is an option. Once that forbidden fruit is tasted, is it realistic to expect her to only eat spinach again, especially if your fruit drawer is empty?

at this point it is the lying/deceit of hiding it all that will further kill the marriage.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Neilpersonal said:


> Our maririage had been rocky for a while
> 
> Our sex life, which was never great has always been a source of a bit of frustration in our marriage and this ultimately lead to more deep routed tension. Even before the injury sex had decreased so much in frequency that it caused a lot of problems between us.
> 
> ...


Hence, the problem appears to go a little beyond the ED. Sounds like Neil wasn't that much of a hard charger in the horizontal tango department before the ED.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> if you have ED, and are married, there are really two paths:
> 1) try all you can (drugs, injecitons, oral, anal, mutual rubbing, role play, bondage, etc) to float her boat
> 
> but sometimes
> ...



If cheating has caused him these types of problems, then he needs to figure out if he wants to fix them or D. But there are drugs for this. However, ALLOWING ONS ? No way. You don't punish cheating by allowing more cheating. The last time I checked, cheating is cheating. His wife should have worked with him to improve the situation. However, expecting this guy to sit at home and eat Captain Crunch and watch Discovery ID while his wife is getting banged by some dude somewhere (which also may lead to another affair) is IMO horrible advice.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> yes. a woman of any morals at all should ask for a hall pass first. There are PLENTY of women that only get off with PIV sex. You can rub or sex toy them all day long and get a bored "are you done yet" look back from them. But put a **** in her and its off to the races.
> 
> but in the OP's case, the horse is out of the barn, his penis is NOT functioning at full speed, so reconciliation is going to be a real problem. In this specific case, maybe allowing her to have outside partners, while keeping the rest of the marriage intact, is an option. Once that forbidden fruit is tasted, is it realistic to expect her to only eat spinach again, especially if your fruit drawer is empty?
> 
> at this point it is the lying/deceit of hiding it all that will further kill the marriage.


again promoting infidelity is not going to help this guy. Seek medical advice and stop the wife from cheating or get D. Yes she tasted the fruit but there is no excuse for that. She committed to work through his problems when he got married to her, not to create more


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Not all men are natural lovers. Not all men know instinctively how to get a woman off. If they were having sex issues early on in the marriage she should have communicated with him and worked with him to solve the issues. Instead she got selfish and entitled. His ED only compounded matters and probably made her complain and cut him down more.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> If cheating has caused him these types of problems, then he needs to figure out if he wants to fix them or D. But there are drugs for this. However, ALLOWING ONS ? No way. You don't punish cheating by allowing more cheating. The last time I checked, cheating is cheating. His wife should have worked with him to improve the situation. However, expecting this guy to sit at home and eat Captain Crunch and watch Discovery ID while his wife is getting banged by some dude somewhere (which also may lead to another affair) is IMO horrible advice.


I am with you on this one. Haven't we grown as a species to the point where if our mate is truly disabled we can transcend "sex" for intimacy? My vows said "for better or worse in sickness and in health" and i don't remember anything about a "hall pass" except back in grade school. Is that where we are now?? It sure seems that way sometimes.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm not sure if this fits but my wife was never happy with my performance in bed. My wife made the point that when we were separated the men she hooked up with had no trouble making her cum. Then I found the evidence of her ten month PA with one of the guys she had sex with when we were separated.
Any Hysterical bonding we might have done was stopped cold because try as she might she doesn't turn me on. My drive is flat. I'm not sure I'll get it back. She says she understands and that we can work on it.
Had a weird experience with Viagra. Made me soft at the base and at the top and hard in the middle. A friend of mine said he tried Viagra and his Ear puffed up.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I'm not sure if this fits but my wife was never happy with my performance in bed. My wife made the point that when we were separated the men she hooked up with had no trouble making her cum. Then I found the evidence of her ten month PA with one of the guys she had sex with when we were separated.
> Any Hysterical bonding we might have done was stopped cold because try as she might she doesn't turn me on. My drive is flat. I'm not sure I'll get it back. She says she understands and that we can work on it.
> Had a weird experience with Viagra. Made me soft at the base and at the top and hard in the middle. A friend of mine said he tried Viagra and his Ear puffed up.


Sheryl Crow wrote a song and there is one line in it that very few of us get. I believe that all of the nonsense posted on here is related to our inability to get those simple words because of our declining intellect. As to the Viagra issue, Viagra is for erectile dysfunction not the absence of emotional connection. During the R period I was asked if I was impotent and should I try some Viagra. My answer was that my equipment was in perfect working order but it was the "situation" that had my libido switched off and still does to some extent as I keep having trigger moments because my wife is so child-minded, but that's my purgatory to live in and another story.

My point is that so many on here are so immature and selfish that I am beginning to believe the human race is not yet evolved enough for committed monogamous relationships. I know that the reason so many women on here are not "satisfied" is the size of the sex organs. It has been studied and concluded that in highly developed cognizant beings the main sex organ is the brain. Therefore, I posit that theirs is too small and underdeveloped.

The line in the song I referenced earlier; "life's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you've got".


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> I am with you on this one. Haven't we grown as a species to the point where if our mate is truly disabled we can transcend "sex" for intimacy? My vows said "for better or worse in sickness and in health" and i don't remember anything about a "hall pass" except back in grade school. Is that where we are now?? It sure seems that way sometimes.


I agree, Nochoice. We have evolved as a species to the point that you mention. My wife has her slumps from time to time, and has had an ailment as well. If I went out and banged around and asked for a 'hall pass', I would have lost half my pension and had to sell the house by now. even if she tried to encourage me, my moral capacity would reject that and make me wonder why she would have gotten so low on self esteem or if there were ulterior motives. However, we are both at the top of our game morally and it would never get to that.

I could never figure out those who encourage their SO to cheat. It boggles my mind but ... That's just me ? ??


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Perhaps Neil should consider being the one to have the affair.
He might find that things work far better for him when she isn't
the object of his affection.
I know it made things better for me once I was rid of my cheater.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I know in my case it's not an equipment problem it's a motivation problem. The fish don't like the bait.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> again promoting infidelity is not going to help this guy. Seek medical advice and stop the wife from cheating or get D. Yes she tasted the fruit but there is no excuse for that. She committed to work through his problems when he got married to her, not to create more


:iagree:

OP I appreciate you're battling a physical condition that creates no small marital challenge. But I think when a spouse cheats it means they have reached some challenge in the marriage for which they lack sufficient love and respect for the other spouse, or lack sufficient character, to face. Or there is no big challenge at all and cheating is just part of their own pathology.

Either way I think the BS should take the cheating as the WS writing on their forehead 

"I am not special; not to you, not to anyone. I can be replaced"


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> if you have ED, and are married, there are really two paths:
> 1) try all you can (drugs, injecitons, oral, anal, mutual rubbing, role play, bondage, etc) to float her boat
> 
> but sometimes
> ...



mother nature also instilled a drive toward violence in us (i.e. that's also in our DNA). but morality and society calls for us to abstain except in extreme circumstances. same thing vis-a-vis our sex drives. Controlling both types of impulses is necessary for a happy marriage.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Have you tried Viagra?


I'm curious about this as well. If Viagra can solve the ED, surely that solves the problem....other than a spouse's desire to cheat in the first place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Here's what I think..... all the Viagra in the world won't mean sh1t.....they are going to cheat period!

Hell I'm on the other side of the coin with sex not being an issue ( banged her all the time) and yet my old lady still phucked around.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> However, expecting this guy to sit at home and eat Captain Crunch and watch Discovery ID while his wife is getting banged by some dude somewhere (which also may lead to another affair) is IMO horrible advice.


Hey, lets NOT bring the Discovery Channel into this!!!:rofl:


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

E.D. is certainly no reason to cheat. It may be an excuse, a poor one at that, but certainly no reason.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's gone.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> He's gone.


agreed. I wonder what he did if anything ?

Maybe he's in a life long cycle of being cheated on ?????


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