# How do I stop my wife's affair?



## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Hello to all. This has been a mind opening forum for me. My question is this... Concerning the exposure of a spouse's affair, What if the spouse who is cheating, emotionally or physically, is NOT interested in reconciling? My wife hates me, has been clinically depressed even before the separation, does NOT want me anymore, and just moved out a few days ago to apartment with female coworker, even leaving our 3yr old son with me. She decided she wanted out of marriage in Feb, after just 3mths, although together for five years, citing lack of love and affection. A few days before the breakup she was in "I love you, have a good day at work" mode with me! Then on Valentines Day she dropped the bomb, even after getting me a gift. Found out last month after only being separated for 2mths that another guy is in the picture. Have text evidence of only emotional affair at least. Extensive text evidence from past two months. I love you and miss texts mostly. Not one single text or picture sent of a sexual nature. She met him out partying last year. He actually lives an hour away. I got his number and called him, he denied of course even denying he knew her, she denied too claiming he's just a friend. Am sure it has been more but do the exposure rules apply to me??? Even with her not showing the slightest bit of interest in reconciling? Will exposing her emotional affair to select upstanding friends/family be helpful in my case to disrupt her affair? Or are the exposure rules specifically for a spouse who is willing or shows signs of wanting to remain together or reconcile? Please help. Thanks!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Hello to all. This has been a mind opening forum for me. My question is this... Concerning the exposure of a spouse's affair, What if the spouse who is cheating, emotionally or physically, is NOT interested in reconciling? My wife hates me, has been clinically depressed even before the separation, does NOT want me anymore, and just moved out a few days ago to apartment with female coworker, even leaving our 3yr old son with me. She decided she wanted out of marriage in Feb, after just 3mths, although together for five years, citing lack of love and affection. A few days before the breakup she was in "I love you, have a good day at work" mode with me! Then on Valentines Day she dropped the bomb, even after getting me a gift. Found out last month after only being separated for 2mths that another guy is in the picture. Have text evidence of only emotional affair at least. Extensive text evidence from past two months. I love you and miss texts mostly. Not one single text or picture sent of a sexual nature. She met him out partying last year. He actually lives an hour away. I got his number and called him, he denied of course even denying he knew her, she denied too claiming he's just a friend. Am sure it has been more but do the exposure rules apply to me??? Even with her not showing the slightest bit of interest in reconciling? *Will exposing her emotional affair to select upstanding friends/family be helpful in my case to disrupt her affair?* Or are the exposure rules specifically for a spouse who is willing or shows signs of wanting to remain together or reconcile? Please help. Thanks!


It might. Did she not leave you with the 3 yr old child? Abandon you for the OM? Exposing her will not make matters worse for you, but it will, no doubt, hurt her and her plans.

I would go for it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Yes it will greatly help in killing off the affair but its not guaranteed to work always.

Since she left you and your kid, why are you still chasing her? You really should move on with your OWN life and let her worry about getting back to you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Expose away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Yes she left me with our son. After going back and forth with custody options, she got frustrated and simply stated, "You know what, take him, you can have him, I don't want him. He will be at my moms when you get off. Go and get him. Just tell me when I can see him!" Told her her son needs her and loves her, etc. Convo ended shortly after. I broke down into tears imagining how our son will greatly miss his mothers love and affection. Don't think she necessarily left me for him. But to simply leave ME mostly. As stated above, she has informed me that she hates me many times and hates being in same house with me. Has even cried in my arms stating she hates that she can't stop hating me, etc. 

@keko, I still love her and am here seeking more advice on how to reconcile. Any woman who, in essence, leaves or gives up her kid has some serious mental issues. I married her for better or worse. And actually sympathize with her lack of love and affection. I was not home often running a business and failed to be more sensitive to her feelings and needs. This was an issue for about a year before she "dropped the rock" as some would say. As stated above she has been diagnosed as being clinically depressed. Stop taking meds a month before breakup. Has NOT taken them since.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

What are you going to lose? Your marriage is over. Right now, it's over. Done. Nothing you remember will ever be the same. Regardless what happens from here, the two of you will never be the same people again. The world as you remember it is changed forever.

I wish I could have understood and internalized that fact more clearly when I was where you are right now.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
> 
> What are you going to lose? Your marriage is over. Right now, it's over. Done. Nothing you remember will ever be the same. Regardless what happens from here, the two of you will never be the same people again. The world as you remember it is changed forever.
> 
> I wish I could have understood and internalized that fact more clearly when I was where you are right now.


Not afraid to lose anything. I just wanted to know if this exposure thing applied to my particular situation. Since it is apparent it does, then I will do so very soon.

Thanks


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Yes she left me with our son. After going back and forth with custody options, she got frustrated and simply stated, "You know what, take him, you can have him, I don't want him. He will be at my moms when you get off. Go and get him. Just tell me when I can see him!"


WOW.

And you still think of her nicely?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeah, it's over. "Hate" is a very strong word, we never said that to each other in 30 years of bitter arguments. Better to let her go.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

godlyman83 said:


> Has even cried in my arms stating she hates that she can't stop hating me, etc.


wow


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Expose to everyone, especially her family. Tell them that she abandoned you and your son. See if you can find out if the OM is married and tell his wife.
If you have any texts or emails concerning the abandonment, save them.
See a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings with full custody of your son.
Tell your wife that this is the road she took and this is how things will be.
Stop ALL contact with her. She must initiate any contact since she is the one that abandoned her family. Log all contact and save all emails and texts.

She's gone, man. You need to protect yourself and your son.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

My goal is to ultimately reconcile with my wife! Through reading a lot of valuable info, it lead me here to this exposure technique. By politely stating facts about what she is doing, my feelings, and what I want to her family/friends I hope that my sincere words fall on good ground with a select few, enough to make things difficult for my wife and the other guy to continue.

I do have one thing going against me, the only friends/people she communicates with mostly are the friends in her 'partying circle' which includes three women, and three men, one of which is the guy she is having an affair with. All of which are in their mid-twenties. They have partied every weekend till past 5-6am both days in the past 3 months since the breakup. And even hang out at least twice during the week till 3-4am. She has a supervisor/friend at work and our sons Godmother that she occasionally communicates with that both will be on the top of my list to contact. They are older women in their late 30s both married with kids.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

godlyman83 said:


> Not afraid to lose anything.


Good start, your well ahead of the curve.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Godlyman, goals are good. But realistic goals are better. Keep in mind that if she is not interested, there is no way for you to effect a reconciliation.

Good luck, and keep posting.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes expose the affiar and then go dark on her make sure her Mom and family know, make sure her friends know and if the POS has someone in his life make sure she knows. I bet he does he denied knowing her. I know that will be hard because you are thinking about your son. 

If you are paying for her cell phone, cut it off, make sure the credit cards are denied to her and make sure you are not supporting her. This will be the hard part, file for divorce. You do not have to go through it but it will be a eye opener. You need to make sure she knows she needs to pay child support.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Again, my hope is to reconcile! Lol. I understand if you might think I should give up or call it quits, but that is not the direction I want to go. I have forgiven her for her transgressions. Do not hate her at all. And right now I am still able to look past her infidelity. If I get to the point where I can't then that's different but right now I am forgiving, and hope that she will be delivered from this self destructive path. If not for the depression and bipolar issues I would likely not have been as forgiving, honestly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What reasons does she give for hating you? Are any of them valid?


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

@lamaga, Thanks and yes I will be at peace with however God decided our fate. If after all this steps or attempts she still doesn't come around then I will be fine with that as well. And then I will file for divorce, etc.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Wow!! Double Wow!!

I'm so sorry that you are here. She sounds like a project. I would expose her just to protect my interest and reputation. How old is she? My cheating ex never told me that she hated me. Why do you want her back? I know that you married for better or worse but it takes two people to make a marriage -- and besides this is not worse -- it's WORSER.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Yes she has VERY valid reasons for hating me, For over a year she has begged and pleaded with me not working so much with my company. I chose to continue working even though it wasn't required that I was there at every event. But it left her home alone two weekends a month at least. I was not the most affectionate guy and she asked me to be more so. I did not value her feelings enough to even try improving on these issues before it was too late.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> @lamaga, Thanks and yes I will be at peace with *however God decided our fate*. If after all this steps or attempts she still doesn't come around then I will be fine with that as well. And then I will file for divorce, etc.


Please leave god out of this. He's busy with infinitely bigger problems. And besides, god helps those who help themselves. \Rant off


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> My goal is to ultimately reconcile with my wife! Through reading a lot of valuable info, it lead me here to this exposure technique. By politely stating facts about what she is doing, my feelings, and what I want to her family/friends I hope that my sincere words fall on good ground with a select few, enough to make things difficult for my wife and the other guy to continue.
> 
> I do have one thing going against me, the only friends/people she communicates with mostly are the friends in her 'partying circle' which includes three women, and three men, one of which is the guy she is having an affair with. All of which are in their mid-twenties. They have partied every weekend till past 5-6am both days in the past 3 months since the breakup. And even hang out at least twice during the week till 3-4am. She has a supervisor/friend at work and our sons Godmother that she occasionally communicates with that both will be on the top of my list to contact. They are older women in their late 30s both married with kids.


So you want her back after she's been used and thrown around for months? 

Just wondering, have you ever looked inside your pants? Anything in there?


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

THEN, there's the subconscious anger I found out I had, after breakup I went to counseling. Found out I had anger building inside me towards her for some of her actions(texting and facebooking every 3 mins even in bed and in car together, partying 3-4 times a month which to me was too often when you have family and kid at home, both of which I thought was disrespectful, also she started back smoking). Instead of expressing my discontent at times I would merely say nothing. Over time I developed anger towards her so much so that it affected my love and affection for her. She became mentally unattractive to me which made her physical attractiveness irrelevant. So at times I would not be into, or even sometimes push her away when she attempted to be intimate, especially when she would come home late after partying. At the time I did not know why the heck I didn't feel like being intimate with my very attractive wife but now I do. Perhaps too late. Perhaps not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you do nothing you will be divorced soon.

At the point exposing her deliberate choice to cheat to everyone can help hurt the affair. Before you can R, the affair must end.

Exposé widely what she has chosen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

@keko, its called unconditional love brother. All of our significant others have been tossed around before us at some point. That does not matter to me. Only thing that matters to me is our reconciling our family.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Thanks again @shaggy. I will be doing so next week.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

The only way you'll reconcile is if she gets her depression treated/managed. Don't worry about the other man, once those symptoms come out he'll bolt and affair relationships have a 3% success rate. 

This isn't going to be a quick fix solution and it might take years until she gets her depression treated, gets over the resentment for your neglect and fall back in love with you.

I don't think exposure will do anything given that she doesn't even care about the wellbeing of her baby, she'll hardly care what her parents tell her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

godlyman83 said:


> THEN, there's the subconscious anger I found out I had, after breakup I went to counseling. Found out I had anger building inside me towards her for some of her actions(texting and facebooking every 3 mins even in bed and in car together, partying 3-4 times a month which to me was too often when you have family and kid at home, both of which I thought was disrespectful, also she started back smoking). Instead of expressing my discontent at times I would merely say nothing. Over time I developed anger towards her so much so that it affected my love and affection for her. She became mentally unattractive to me which made her physical attractiveness irrelevant. So at times I would not be into, or even sometimes push her away when she attempted to be intimate, especially when she would come home late after partying. At the time I did not know why the heck I didn't feel like being intimate with my very attractive wife but now I do. Perhaps too late. Perhaps not.


You realize that the anger you felt was because your gut was alerting you to the fact that she as cheating already right? Women starting to smoke at her age usually do it because the man they are cheating with also smokes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

@mahike, thanks, I have been working on getting details about him. Thanks to his very open facebook page.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

godlyman83 said:


> Don't think she necessarily left me for him. But to simply leave ME mostly. As stated above, she has informed me that she hates me many times and hates being in same house with me. Has even cried in my arms stating she hates that she can't stop hating me, etc.


No bro, get this out of your head. She doesn't hate you. 

There are many physiological and psychological factors at work here. It's imparitive that you understand this. You can not take what she is saying to you as 'truth'. She is chemically comprimised. 

You compound the incredibly powerful 'affair fog' that she's in and the natural chemical imbalances depression causes and you have a 'crazy making' c0cktail of epic proportions.

She doesn't hate you. Her brain has gone rogue, saying she's "not all there" would be putting it lighty. 

To not enable her with your willingness to "take the bullet" and jumping to accept your part in this. There will be plenty of time for that. 

Right now, you have major probems and your not getting through them unless your willing to play hardball. Your going to have to be willing to do many things that are going to take you way out of your comfort zone and will be in direct opposition to your instincts.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You realize that the anger you felt was because your gut was alerting you to the fact that she as cheating already right? Women starting to smoke at her age usually do it because the man they are cheating with also smokes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She smoked when I first met her. Then stop after pregnancy with son in '08. I usually do not put anything past anyone, but simply highly doubt she cheated, at least not before I started my company Jan '11. She has nervous issues and actually started back smoking when her depression first came back two years ago in '10. She was on meds for anxiety and depression. Also had anger management issue. She had been stating since last summer that she didn't think her meds were strong enough and that she still feels sad for no reason. I was very insensitive and dismissed it as usual. Another ignorant thing I did was discontinued our counseling sessions. Felt like things started going well and that it was a waste of money. Big mistake I now know, because her depression ended up being worse than expected, bipolar disorder.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She is in a fog but if your were to show how she doesn't give a rat's keester via exposure to others then you MAY have a good chance a killing the affair but keep in mind the word "chance" for nothing in life guaranteed.

Women, more than men (IMNSHO) SEEM to be more interested in the approval of others and for this reason if you can paint her to be a cheating wife the better the chances are that her affair will die.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Godly, I'm sure you know that depression and bipolar disorder are two radically different conditions.

If you are going to fight this, you need to educate yourself extensively.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Please leave god out of this. He's busy with infinitely bigger problems. And besides, god helps those who help themselves. \Rant off


Mister, God is behind everything in life and has a plan and purpose for everything that happens no matter how insignificant YOU think it is. The seemingly smallest of problems are not lesser than the seemingly bigger in Gods eyes. God hates divorce. And he meant for marriage to signify his love for the church. So when you fail at marriage, essentially you are failing at representing Gods relationship to the church. I could keep going but I will leave this here and redirect to the topic at hand.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, Godly, please do -- different religions and sects have differing opinions on this, so let's leave that to the theologians.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Godly, I'm sure you know that depression and bipolar disorder are two radically different conditions.
> 
> If you are going to fight this, you need to educate yourself extensively.


YES I do know this. Her original diagnosis was depression. Her actions over the past 6 months, according to her doc, and our counselor is bipolar disorder. She never went back again to officially diagnose, and now thinks 'she feels just fine'...


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Yes, Godly, please do -- different religions and sects have differing opinions on this, so let's leave that to the theologians.


Lol, exactly. That's why I said that.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

morituri said:


> She is in a fog but if your were to show how she doesn't give a rat's keester via exposure to others then you MAY have a good chance a killing the affair but keep in mind the word "chance" for nothing in life guaranteed.
> 
> Women, more than men (IMNSHO) SEEM to be more interested in the approval of others and for this reason if you can paint her to be a cheating wife the better the chances are that her affair will die.


Makes perfect sense to me! Thanks.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

And the only unconditional love I know of is for my child. In a marriage, there are conditions, and when a partner violates certain conditions I may no longer love her. As an extreme example, if you woke up to your spouse cutting off your penis with a kitchen knife, would you still love her unconditionally? Less extreme (but probably more painful), if your partner lies and cheats on you, should you still feel unconditional love? Of course not. So my advice, man up and fight for your marriage and your family. And get your head out of some make believe fairy tale land where unconditional love for your spouse exists and they "live happily ever after."


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Wow!! Double Wow!!
> 
> I'm so sorry that you are here. She sounds like a project. I would expose her just to protect my interest and reputation. How old is she? My cheating ex never told me that she hated me. Why do you want her back? I know that you married for better or worse but it takes two people to make a marriage -- and besides this is not worse -- it's WORSER.


I agree it does seem worser! lol. She is just a mere 25yrs old. She IS a project I know.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> @keko, its called unconditional love brother. All of our significant others have been tossed around before us at some point. That does not matter to me. Only thing that matters to me is our reconciling our family.


Quickly go to her house, get on your knee's and beg for her forgiveness. Have your kid do the same as well.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

baldmale said:


> And the only unconditional love I know of is for my child. In a marriage, there are conditions, and when a partner violates certain conditions I may no longer love her. As an extreme example, if you woke up to your spouse cutting off your penis with a kitchen knife, would you still love her unconditionally? Less extreme (but probably more painful), if your partner lies and cheats on you, should you still feel unconditional love? Of course not. So my advice, man up and fight for your marriage and your family. And get your head out of some make believe fairy tale land where unconditional love for your spouse exists and they "live happily ever after."


I know we said we would leave the religious talk out, but I try to make decisions BASED on my faith so its hard to. Not perfect by far but I try.

@baldman, God is LOVE, to me when you stop loving her you also choose to leave God. I will never stop loving her. Unconditional love I'm referring is loving someone expecting nothing in return and regardless of how they treat you. Just because I will continue to unconditionally love her does not mean that after awhile I will still NOT divorce her. Because after awhile I will divorce her and still love her while doing so. Its just that right now, I still have the desire and interest of reconciling our family. When that desire leaves, I will file for divorce. But even then I will still love her, unconditionally.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm really sorry for what your going through. I do have to tell you based on the tone of what your saying, your marraige is not going to get through this. We've seen hundreds upon hundreds of stories, Your in a especially bad spot. Like it or not, this is a war and much of it will be won or lost inside of you. 

Harden up, this 'jump in front of the bullet' stance your taking with your willingness to swallow the 'fault' is brutally common in recently betrayed spouses and it's a death sentence to your chances of getting to the other side with your marraige intact. You'll have plenty of time to tell her your regrets and repent for your faults in the marraige. Gotta wake your wife from this fog first.

Oh sidenote... I provided a link in my last post (about the fog. it's also in my signature below) I also started a discussion which may be of some interest to you after you read that, it was about 'depression' and the potentially exagerated 'fog' symtoms that people with depression can have. link

Good luck man, again... Sorry your here.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> @keko, its called unconditional love brother. All of our significant others have been tossed around before us at some point. That does not matter to me. Only thing that matters to me is our reconciling our family.


Unconditional love is very unhealthy, IMO.

It shows a complete lack of self respect. 

I know it is a popular idea, but, when you really examine love, I think it should be conditional. If someone is mistreating you, as your wife has done and contines to do, you should stop loving her.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

keko said:


> Quickly go to her house, get on your knee's and beg for her forgiveness. Have your kid do the same as well.


I do not need her forgiveness. Only God's. That is HER burden of unforgiveness to carry, not mine!

Also not necessary to bash your fellow brother, just because of MY choices I'm making in MY life. I'm here for advice just like everyone else is/has been. Most people are here with hopes of reconciling. Just because I might not agree with YOUR advise, although I mostly do, does not give you the right to be insensative or sarcastic at the expense of another's pain and hurt.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> I do not need her forgiveness. Only God's. That is HER burden of unforgiveness to carry, not mine!
> 
> Also not necessary to bash your fellow brother, just because of MY choices I'm making in MY life. I'm here for advice just like everyone else is/has been. Most people are here with hopes of reconciling. Just because I might not agree with YOUR advise, although I mostly do, does not give you the right to be insensative or sarcastic at the expense of another's pain and hurt.


Your actions/inactions and goals WILL ultimately hurt you. Have a look at few other infidelity stories and see how they end when the betrayed spouse goes chasing the cheater. Good luck buddy, you'll need it.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

godlyman83 said:


> @baldman, God is LOVE, to me when you stop loving her you also choose to leave God. I will never stop loving her. Unconditional love I'm referring is loving someone expecting nothing in return and regardless of how they treat you. Just because I will continue to unconditionally love her does not mean that after awhile I will still NOT divorce her. Because after awhile I will divorce her and still love her while doing so. Its just that right now, I still have the desire and interest of reconciling our family. When that desire leaves, I will file for divorce. But even then I will still love her, unconditionally.


The problem, though, is this attitude will not save your family. She has no motivation to change her behavior if there are no consequences for HER poor choices. 

In your shoes, I would expose and then serve her with divorce papers. The process can be stopped if she comes back, but YOU need to take actions that shows her that there are consequences for being a cheater.

This nice-guy-love-you-unconditionally attitude you show her will not save your marriage.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Unconditional love is very unhealthy, IMO.
> 
> It shows a complete lack of self respect.
> 
> I know it is a popular idea, but, when you really examine love, I think it should be conditional. If someone is mistreating you, as your wife has done and contines to do, you should stop loving her.


Again, to each his own according to his faith. I strongly believe the Bible which states God is LOVE. If you believe as well how can you stop loving? Trust me, I understand. I'm not perfect and am the poster child for what I'm speaking out now against because I, even though subconsciously, chose to stop loving my wife when I though she was being disrespectful, etc. so yes I understand where you come from. But do you see where it got me? God is love. You lose LOVE, you lose God. I will no longer lose LOVE for anyone again, regardless of how they treat me, if they disagree with me, or whatever. Even with you and Count, I still respect your opinions and their is no love lost at all.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Good luck, godlyman. I'm sure if your pray enough, God will fix this dilema for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your wife is in the affair fog, it sucks and Iv'e been down this road. Even though your wife thinks the grass is greener on the other side you can change her perspective on that by making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. 

So yes, expose the crapout of her behaviors. In addition stop being so nice and start out with some tough love here. Until OM is complerely out of the picture you are in a lossing battle.

Even though your main issue is your WW you also have another front to battle, so please investigate the OM and the more info you have on him then you can start making his life uncomfortable and dating a married women may not be worth the effort.

There is a ton of stuff out there that will help you fight. Always remember to never beg or cry for your marriage. The best thing you can offer your WW right now is the same hate....well lets say indifference your wife has for you.

This tactic will solidify the perception that you are moving on. The harder you push her away the sooner she will second guess the thought of lossing you and her family.
I hope your a good actor, b/c its tough to show someone you love so much with the indifference you must have to get her to see the reality of her choices.

I hope you see this?

I pray that God gives you the strength to pull this off.

I know its odd, eveything in your being tells you to show her more love and she will come back to you...You couldn't be more mistaken in your life. You must pretend that the love has left and you are confident enough to move on with your kid and find another women to help you be a mother to your child.


Ya, ya I get you don't want to take the kid away from his mom, but the point to this tactic is again to show your WW the reality of her choices.

This is the hardest battle you will ever have to face, thats why it hurt so damb much. But with all your strength you must get her to believe she will lose her family completely before she even start to second guess her choices.

See, your wife is basing her dicisions on some fantasy, you have to get mean and piss her off, before she starts to think twice in what she's about to lose.

Sorry my reply so long, but the tough love approach is your best bet in getting her out of the fog. I've been on TAM long enough to tell you with certianty that as soon as you start faking the fact that you are letting her go the sooner she will start seeing the reality and the consequences that her behavior have to offer her.

Any other tactic or soft approach will leave you in a painful torture of limbo and mind games.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

baldmale said:


> The problem, though, is this attitude will not save your family. She has no motivation to change her behavior if there are no consequences for HER poor choices.
> 
> _*I completely agree! And if she still doesn't come around then I'm fine with that!*_
> 
> ...


Again, loving her unconditionally is VERY misunderstood by you guys! Lol. I will divorce her while still loving her!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

godlyman83 said:


> Again, my hope is to reconcile! Lol. I understand if you might think I should give up or call it quits, but that is not the direction I want to go. I have forgiven her for her transgressions. Do not hate her at all. And right now I am still able to look past her infidelity. If I get to the point where I can't then that's different but right now I am forgiving, and hope that she will be delivered from this self destructive path. If not for the depression and bipolar issues I would likely not have been as forgiving, honestly.


Sometimes throwing in the towel ends up being the first step to R. As long as she knows you are pursuing her she is going to keep her distance. Most likely she isn't going to come around UNTIL you give up on her. When she thinks you are no longer trying to win her back she will stop feeling pressure to come back and may relax her stance.

That's just human nature.

There's nothing you can do or say to her to make her want to R but plenty to make her want to D. Best bet is leave her alone (do expose the A though) and if its meant to be then one day she may come back.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think it would be helpful if you could separate proselytizing from asking for marital advice.

And like everyone else here, I wish you well, but I don't have high hopes for your situation.

Of course you love her. That's fine. Now what?


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Good luck, godlyman. I'm sure if your pray enough, God will fix this dilema for you.


Yes he will! And that doesn't mean he will 'save' our marriage. But he will reveal his plan for my life overall, and that in itself is a fix to my situation.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Again, loving her unconditionally is VERY misunderstood by you guys! Lol. I will divorce her while still loving her!


Well, then divorce her and love her. But, do not allow her to treat you like crap.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I think it would be helpful if you could separate proselytizing from asking for marital advice.
> 
> And like everyone else here, I wish you well, but I don't have high hopes for your situation.
> 
> Of course you love her. That's fine. Now what?


Exposure, then wait, then if nothing, divorce! That's all I could do. I actually have the highest of hopes but if all fails I will still be content because my happiness resides in knowing I've done all I can.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I must admit, I have no idea how anyone can love someone unconditionally. It makes zero sense to me.

And, while not terribly religous or versed in the Bible, Koran or Torah etc, can I ask if these books really require we love people unconditionally? That seems nuts to me.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Well, then divorce her and love her. But, do not allow her to treat you like crap.


Her transgressions are not against me so I do not take them personal. Her rebellion is first and foremost against God. He will deal with her much better than I can.

But yes I will divorce her buddy. After I've exhausted all the sensible available options. This exposure one is the last one. I actually was getting ready to divorce her, before finding out about this exposure thing. Might work, might not. But its worth a try definitely.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Yes he will! And that doesn't mean he will 'save' our marriage. But he will reveal his plan for my life overall, and that in itself is a fix to my situation.


Godlyman, I mean no disrespect for you or your faith. However, if God's plan will be revealed to you, why not just wait for it to appear? Why are you asking a bunch of strangers (and heathens) for answers?


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> I must admit, I have no idea how  anyone can love someone unconditionally. It makes zero sense to me.
> 
> And, while not terribly religous or versed in the Bible, Koran or Torah etc, can I ask if these books really require we love people unconditionally? That seems nuts to me.


I understand you brother. But God loved US so much that he gave his only begotten Son, that we may not perish but have everlasting life. Knowing we were sinners and doomed. He still forgave us and showed us grace and mercy and LOVE by sending his perfect, sinless Son to die for OUR sins. As believers we are expected to walk and live as Jesus did. In LOVE.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

godlyman, please realize that God gave ALL of us FREE WILL TO ACT Just because she entered in the covenant of marriage does not mean that stopped exercising that God given right.

Please read the following.



> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> ...


I found that the best book for a betrayed spouse to use after he/she has found that his/he spouse is cheating is Dr James Hobson's *Love Must Be Tough*, *GET IT, READ IT AND IMPLEMENT IT*


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Filing for D is not about "showing her" or "teaching her a lesson." It's about allowing her to experience fully the consequences of her choices. Please tell me you understand that. She is gone. Your marriage is over. You say you want to reconcile, but you must take actions that show this. Your actions so far only tell her that it's okay with you to be replaced by another man and you will continue to love her based on god's plan. This OM has stolen your family. He will be step-dad. Or perhaps just dad. And you will continue to love her.

You are at war. You are losing the fight. We all want you to be okay on the other end of this whether D or R. But you SAY you want to R, so we are trying to get your ACTIONS to match.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Yep, I agree. Give it a try. Even if she does not come back, you need to be invested in keeping the OM out of your child's life and busting up this affair will help do that.
On your point about the offense being against God, alone, couldn't the offense be both against God and you and your child? This would not seem to be mutually exclusive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Filing for divorce is completely different then finalizing a divorce. Remember in most states there is a waiting period. 
Filling now is just another to tactic to bring the reality to your wifes fantasy.

Having her served is the most effect and direct approach in showing her how confident you are in making her believe you are letting her go.

Often this tactic will get the wayward doing the chasing, were as with most newbies the betrayed are the ones chasing....at that my friend just does no work.

Often when the wayward gets served the betrayed will hear the "well I don't want a divorce" ....which only mean she wants her BF and her husband.


Something that is not an option for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

man up brother, and get tough, God will give you the strength, and TAM will give you the options.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Godlyman, I mean no disrespect for you or your faith. However, if God's plan will be revealed to you, why not just wait for it to appear? Why are you asking a bunch of strangers (and heathens) for answers?


Seeking knowledge. We aren't expected to sit in faith. The Bible states that faith without works is dead so there is much work to do behind the 'faith' that one states he or she has. Much like sitting on couch, expecting God to bless you with a job. Well I would imagine you must get up and search!


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

morituri said:


> godlyman, please realize that God gave ALL of us FREE WILL TO ACT Just because she entered in the covenant of marriage does not mean that stopped exercising that God given right.
> 
> Please read the following.
> 
> ...


Great read! I read all of that already. Great advice mostly. And I have been doing ALL of that. Been left her go. Have been, as people here have been saying, "the nice guy"... But I am not trying to compete with him. Just wanting facts to be facts, and things to be open because aside from her 'new' group, we have the same friends, etc. Most of which have no idea why sh called it quits.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

baldmale said:


> Filing for D is not about "showing her" or "teaching her a lesson." It's about allowing her to experience fully the consequences of her choices. Please tell me you understand that. She is gone. Your marriage is over. You say you want to reconcile, but you must take actions that show this. Your actions so far only tell her that it's okay with you to be replaced by another man and you will continue to love her based on god's plan. This OM has stolen your family. He will be step-dad. Or perhaps just dad. And you will continue to love her.
> 
> You are at war. You are losing the fight. We all want you to be okay on the other end of this whether D or R. But you SAY you want to R, so we are trying to get your ACTIONS to match.


Understood and in agreement!
thanks!


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Filing for divorce is completely different then finalizing a divorce. Remember in most states there is a waiting period.
> Filling now is just another to tactic to bring the reality to your wifes fantasy.
> 
> Having her served is the most effect and direct approach in showing her how confident you are in making her believe you are letting her go.
> ...


Makes sense! Thanks. I agree. I think we have been sidetracked with the religious talk but are mostly saying the same thing. I understand more what 'filing' for divorce means, and the process...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until you expose, the A continues to be comfortable and convienent for your WW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have her served D papers at work if the OM is a co worker.

Ask lawyer if you can server her D paper at OM place.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

keko said:


> Your actions/inactions and goals WILL ultimately hurt you. Have a look at few other infidelity stories and see how they end when the betrayed spouse goes chasing the cheater. Good luck buddy, you'll need it.


Wow. I do not see anywhere that I have said I've been chasing her?? I have NEVER chased her. A week after the breakup, I begged and pleaded, and cried and all that to no avail. But after that I have had too much pride unfortunately to show any other emotion than happiness to her. Have been living my life with son just fine!


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Have her served D papers at work if the OM is a co worker.
> 
> Ask lawyer if you can server her D paper at OM place.


He lives an hour away. She works as server at restaurant. Will be 'serving' them there though.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Until you expose, the A continues to be comfortable and convienent for your WW.


Exposing next week, serving papers week after!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like you have distance your self, so check that off the list.

Now for the next step in this crap...........expose and file.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Filing for divorce is completely different then finalizing a divorce. Remember in most states there is a waiting period.
> Filling now is just another to tactic to bring the reality to your wifes fantasy.
> 
> Having her served is the most effect and direct approach in showing her how confident you are in making her believe you are letting her go.
> ...


Thanks although I am certain she WANTS divorce! Stated it already herself. Keep in mind people that her mental condition will likely not allow her to give 'expected' responses to anything that happens.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My fWW is a server do all servers cheat...LOL

Is OM married or have a GF?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cheater always want a divorce it helps them sleep at night and pushes the guilt away.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Sorry your wife is in the affair fog, it sucks and Iv'e been down this road. Even though your wife thinks the grass is greener on the other side you can change her perspective on that by making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.
> 
> So yes, expose the crapout of her behaviors. In addition stop being so nice and start out with some tough love here. Until OM is complerely out of the picture you are in a lossing battle.
> 
> ...


Perfectly stated man! I completely agree! You have manage sum up everything all has been saying. Thanks!


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'm really sorry for what your going through. I do have to tell you based on the tone of what your saying, your marraige is not going to get through this. We've seen hundreds upon hundreds of stories, Your in a especially bad spot. Like it or not, this is a war and much of it will be won or lost inside of you.
> 
> Harden up, this 'jump in front of the bullet' stance your taking with your willingness to swallow the 'fault' is brutally common in recently betrayed spouses and it's a death sentence to your chances of getting to the other side with your marraige intact. You'll have plenty of time to tell her your regrets and repent for your faults in the marraige. Gotta wake your wife from this fog first.
> 
> ...


Thanks! Great link! I needed that.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> My fWW is a server do all servers cheat...LOL
> 
> Is OM married or have a GF?


Am sure he isn't married. Don't know much more about him yet. He lives hour away. But am gathering info from his completely open facebook.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job, the #1 rule is getting OM out of the picture, Only then the dynamics of the marriage can be faced with out outside influences.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

the guy said:


> My fWW is a server do all servers cheat...LOL



My wife was too. Having learned this lesson, I will never allow my wife to serve food or be a bartender in the future. And for all husband's reading this thread: if your wife works in the food service industry, have her quit today! This industry breeds such an "us against the world" attitude that they all begin to see themselves being on a team. Soon that team will turn against you and your marriage. Throw in the fact that they are all young, good looking, surrounded by alcohol, and work late hours and you can easily see that this is not a marriage friendly environment. 

Btw, your wife may think she wants a divorce, but the reality may be quite different. After all, if she is really so okay with divorce, then why hasn't she filed?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Perfectly stated man! I completely agree! You have manage sum up everything all has been saying. Thanks!


"By George, I think he's GOT IT!!" 

Glad to see it finally sinking in! I wish you well and hope you keep us updated here. We do care, you know.


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> "By George, I think he's GOT IT!!"
> 
> Glad to see it finally sinking in! I wish you well and hope you keep us updated here. We do care, you know.


Thanks, I will keep all posted!

@baldman, You make a great point? Why hasn't she filed if she wanted it so bad? Well I could spend all day guessing but my first guess would be that she obviously isn't thinking clearly with anything she's been doing for the past 3 months, so filing for divorce might seem simple to us, but far out of her mind to her. Do think she wants it though. Just isn't of sound mind to file. To her, in her fantasy world, breaking up with me has released her from her pain and hurt and we are over. A piece of paper is likely irrelevant to her. Am gathering family names and facebook pages of the other guy right now. Looking to send to about five of his seemingly closest family members/friends. And about 10 of my wife's family/friends. Odd thing is that her birthday is today. Lol. A whole 25yrs old.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Am gathering family names and facebook pages of the other guy right now. Looking to send to about five of his seemingly closest family members/friends. And about 10 of my wife's family/friends. Odd thing is that her birthday is today.


I recommend you message his close friends and family first and expand it to those who look like they are co-workers, high school friends etc. The five number you gave looks light. Leave 60 seconds between each message or Facebook will lock you out.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

godlyman83 said:


> Odd thing is that her birthday is today. Lol. A whole 25yrs old.



For some reason I thought she was older than 25...


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## godlyman83 (May 25, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> I recommend you message his close friends and family first and expand it to those who look like they are co-workers, high school friends etc. The five number you gave looks light. Leave 60 seconds between each message or Facebook will lock you out.


Will do! I did not know that but now I do. Will go through to about 10. Also will be sure to save about 25 of their names and pages as he might make his profile private soon!


@aug, not at all. We met when she was just 20. I was 24.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> Will do! I did not know that but now I do. Will go through to about 10. Also will be sure to save about 25 of their names and pages as he might make his profile private soon!
> 
> 
> @aug, not at all. We met when she was just 20. I was 24.


Here's how to quickly save his friends and all the links to their pages before doing this.

Use the free software, evernote.com. It's super easy to use. It basically copies the web page that you're looking at. So click on friends so the full list comes up, then pull it into evernote.

"A good friend of mine"  copied her husband's AP's 95 friends on facebook this way. That's how she knows that the AP got pneumonia two weeks after DD#2 and how she figured out who each of her family members were on facebook (father, aunt, uncle, brother, cousins, their spouses, best friend from high school--she was in her wedding last year, etc.); and another thing gleaned from that cache of facebook pages, who is especially religious.

The AP has since made her facebook private, but the evernote links all still work like a charm.

Ah, facebook. How I love thee and hate thee at the same time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

godlyman83 said:


> Thanks, I will keep all posted!
> 
> @baldman, You make a great point? Why hasn't she filed if she wanted it so bad? Well I could spend all day guessing but my first guess would be that she obviously isn't thinking clearly with anything she's been doing for the past 3 months, so filing for divorce might seem simple to us, but far out of her mind to her. Do think she wants it though. Just isn't of sound mind to file. To her, in her fantasy world, breaking up with me has released her from her pain and hurt and we are over. A piece of paper is likely irrelevant to her. Am gathering family names and facebook pages of the other guy right now. Looking to send to about five of his seemingly closest family members/friends. And about 10 of my wife's family/friends. Odd thing is that her birthday is today. Lol. A whole 25yrs old.


She hasn't filed because she doesn't need to.

She's got her BF in her life and she's got you out.

A divorce costs her grief and money, and doesn't give her anything she doesn't already have.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

godlyman83 said:


> To her, in her fantasy world, breaking up with me has released her from her pain and hurt and we are over.


Godlyman, it really sounds to me like you're the one with the fantasy. Your ego, is making you believe that through persistence, because you married for better or worse and because you love her, you can change her mind. It ain't gonna happen. She's telling you up front and in your face she's done with you and you’re grabbing at straws. Sorry, but it sounds to me like its beyond repair. And you're considering forcing a woman, who no longer wants to be with you, back by exposing and embarrassing her to all her family and friends. Is that what you really want--someone who is with you only because she struck out with everyone else in town so she's back to old reliable to keep her family off her back? If that happens, its just a matter of time before you'll be on the sex and marriage thread complaining about a sexless marriage. Dude, cut this chick loose and find someone who really wants to be with you. You'll be a 10,000% happier.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife had a child with you and married you. As late as February of this year, she was still acting normally. She didn't go from that to hating you. The other man and your wife's toxic friends have planted that seed and she's gone along with it. You gave them plenty of ammunition by ignoring your wife's legitimate complaints about your lack of time, attention, and affection for her.

In order to get your wife back, you will need to do two things:

1) break up the affair

and

2) convince your wife that you will change

First, go through with your plans for exposure. Go for all of the other man's facebook friends. Don't limit yourself to a chosen few. What do you have to lose? You don't know who will have influence on him and who won't, so expose to all you can.

As far as your family and your wife's family, expose to all of them. Expose to your friends and your wife's friends. To anyone who will have an influence on your wife.

Do not tell your wife you are exposing. Just do it. Once you start, try to get through all of the exposures as quickly as possible. Just state the facts, your wife has left you and her son, she is having an affair with the other man - give his name, and ask for their help in supporting your marriage and family. Then move on to the next one. 

After you expose, try to win back your wife. Write her a letter. In the letter, tell her you love her and want her back. Tell her everything you are doing, you are doing to get her back. Tell her you have always loved her. Tell her you want to be a better husband and will work on being a better husband. Tell her you want to improve your marriage and will work your hardest to improve it. Tell her as hard as you worked on your job or at your business, you will work even harder going forward at improving yourself and improving your marriage. Tell her that you have been through a lot together, you have taken vows in front of God and family and friends, you have a child together, you have been through life's ups and downs together, you have gotten through all of them so far, and you will get through this, too, if she will come back to you and work on the marriage with you. Tell her that you want her back more than anything, but you will not wait forever. Tell her you can move on and be happy without her, you will always love her, but you will move on without her if she doesn't come back to the marriage. Tell her that she has one week to come back to the marriage, after that you will be filing for divorce. Tell her she is the mother of a beautiful son who loves her and misses her also. Tell her that her behavior has been terrible, certainly she can't be happy going out to bars until 5am every weekend and staying out late partying during the week, this other man is immature and is leading her down a bad path in life, there is no future in such a lifestyle and a 25-year-old with a three-year-old son is too old to be living like that. Tell her you know she is hurting from your behavior, you want her back, promise her you will improve yourself and improve your marriage, but she has to end the affair and come back.

If she shares your religious beliefs, maybe you could ask a priest/minister from your church to talk to her and express how much you want to work on this marriage with her and how everything you are doing is out of love for her to get her back.

You seem to place a lot of emphasis on your wife's mental condition as being a big part of the reason for her behavior, but I don't buy that. She lived her life, married you, had a child, and everything was going pretty well until recently, all with this supposed serious mental condtion. Now she holds down a job, is able to care for herself, goes out with friends, gets along in life. I wouldn't put so much emphasis on her mental condition.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Godly,
Real important point to make during exposure......You want to inform others (even OM side) who you are married to and you want to repair the marriage due to your wife infidelity and are asking for there support for the marriage.

Keep it short and any thing longer will look vandictive. Let OM and WW fill in the blanks when others question whats going on. Let them do the work in explaining what they really are.

Letting others connect the dots after the exposure.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing prepare for a sh!t storm. See, your WW is going to be so pissed b/c you are in fact making the affair uncomfortable and inconvienent.

Expect more hate from her b/c now others will see her fantasy for what it really is. The heat you get from her will be unbearable, but it will stress the affair and that is the objective.

Prepare your self and what ever she throws at you, simple state that " she is still married and hating you or living apart does not change that fact".

You must add, in that she should have filed for divorce long ago before the OM was even in the picture. That often shuts down the discussion, and your pissed off WW losses some ground with that true and simple fact.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Godly,

Your wife hates you because you believe and she has lost her faith:


You believe in love forever.
You believe in your vows to her and God.
You believe in the "family" that you both created.
You believe in forgiveness no matter what she has done to you. God and your marriage.
She hates you be cause you believe in all of the above and it hurts her to look at you, hurts her to be with you and not want to love you anymore because she feels guilt for what she has lost due to her own weakness and mental health.

Her issues have so little to do with your earlier actions or in-actions during the marriage. That is what you do not realize yet.

Your wife is broken. It is not just her mental illness. She wants to be a kid again with no responsibilities. That is why she left not only you but your son, marriage and home.

A mother has a maternal instinct to protect their children. That instinct is gone in your wife's heart and soul. That is a very bad sign and shows how far she is down the path of making very bad decisions in her life. You might not be able to stop her from making these bad decisions.

I not only wish you luck but encourage you to do anything you can to expose the affair. There is a very high probability that she will not return to the marriage. But I think you already know that.

My prayers are with you and your family. All you can do is show her the light, but she has to have the desire to walk towards it.

Peace.

HM64


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

anyone else remember Marksaysay?

totally reminds me of him


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> anyone else remember Marksaysay?
> 
> totally reminds me of him


I hope he doesn't end up like him: divorced and pining away for his ex wife for the rest of his days.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. But my situation is similar to yours in the beginning. My ex-wife got involved in an affair despite telling me how much she loves me days leading up to discovery. We went to counseling and much of the advice I received was to try to fulfill her needs in the midst of her affair. She knew I did not agree with it, but I relied on the hope that the affair would die which eventually it did....for awhile. My ex-wife was mentally ill too. Very depressed leading up to the contact with the OM. She told me the OM was like a drug. An addiction. In the end, it didn't matter what I had did, she convinced herself that I was a terrible husband and couldn't get over the OM. She moved to another state to live with her cousin and "get better". She left the kids with me too. Getting better meant dating up there. During that time, I went 180 and over time it made me heal and get stronger. I think I was probably slower to react to the 180 as some here could probably agree. But after a year since the affair and discovering again that she is dating and decided to find work away from her family, I decided to divorce her. During mediation, we spent 8 hours which the mediator spent 1 hr with me and 7hrs with her. Mediator said she was a sobbing mess. Reality does eventually set in, but the difference now is that you're strong enough to make the right choice, whatever that may be. As much as we can be in love with our spouse who out of the blue suddenly hates us and cheats on us, you have to take care of yourself which allows you to take care of your kid and sets an example of a strong and caring father. You will get through this if you listen to everyone on the message board. They've been through it too.


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## laughalot (Jun 12, 2012)

nice, and to the point;i like it


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