# Infidelity has struck...



## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

...and I'm the culprit

Bear with me, please. I realize many of you will find me disgusting, but I'm seeking some candid feedback.

I could give you the whole back story on our relationship from the time we were 16 up until now, 39, but I don't think anyone wants to hear my version of the story, which I would undoubtedly use as "excuses" for my actions. If you want details, ask, pretty please, and I'll fill in the gaps.

Bottom line, I just admitted to my wife that I've been having a 1+ year long affair. I have broken it off with the other woman. We are now in counseling (not our first go round). 

My wife has committed to me and her staying, adamantly. To which I'm very shocked and flattered. 

I have finally realized that perhaps my actions are NOT her fault and that I just f'd up. I admitted as much to her after being repeatedly told by outsiders that I was validating/justifying and that I needed to face the truth about my behavior and situation. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm there. I admitted it, I apologized, emotionally, and we have had a decent week. 

With that said, I am STILL reeling from the affair. I still yearn for the attention of the other woman, even though I *KNOW* she was bad for me. I *KNOW* our relationship would have ended up in a complete train wreck, and I *KNOW* she's nowhere near the woman my wife is. But still...I wonder what she's doing. Who she's doing. Etc. I don't think it's her that I'm wondering about as much as it is that I'm wondering about what could have been, regardless of who it was with. Maybe these are perfectly normal emotions/thoughts coming off of such an event.

My wife is as close to a perfect wife as one could ask for, but I'm still having doubts. She's trying and she's trying VERY hard. She's standing by me, as sickening and difficult as it/this is. I'm trying, too, but the doubts are there, and it worries me.

I wonder if I can stay on the straight and narrow and how to get whatever it is that my delusional mind thinks I need from my marriage. Or, how to change my perceptions of what it is I think I need that she's not giving me. I'm honest in saying that I'm open to adjusting my mentality, just not sure it's possible, and that's why I'm here. Is it possible to change one's perception(s)? Is it possible to change one's mindset/outlook? Is it possible to change one's behavior? 

I realize what I've done is sickening, sad, terrible, etc. The amount of emotional anguish, stress, and damage it has done to my wife, my kids, my friends, my work, and my mentality has been nothing short of tragic, and if I were to go through it again, I'm not sure I'd survive. With that said, I'm looking for suggestions/feedback/thoughts on how to go about getting the "other" stuff out of my head so I can focus on fixing things here and the doubts not creeping back in and clouding things up. Maybe it's time...maybe it's counseling...maybe it's something totally different.

Thanks for listening...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Getting her out of your head is tough. You have to recognize that while the affair is physically over, it is NOT over in your head. Read the book "How to fall out of love".

Are you 100% no contact with her?


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Getting her out of your head is tough. I am still struggling six months later.
> 
> You have to recognize that while the affair is physically over, it is NOT over in your head. Read the book "How to fall out of love".
> 
> Are you 100% no contact with her?


Yes, so far. We work together, but haven't physically seen each other since and haven't communicated since, other than for me to tell her I was thinking about switching brokers and wanted her opinion on how to position that with our broker. She recruited me over (during the affair, VERY bad idea, btw....VERY bad). 

Anyway, yes, we have had no contact.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Honestly ask yourself, "If this relationship with this other woman could blossom into a great long term situation and I'd be happy forever, would I leave my wife for her?" If the answer to that is yes, then you don't love your wife, you just love the life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

1+ year is so damning to the soul... get some counseling ASAP, your mind is not right if you confess and still find yourself clouded in the need.

A lot of people will tell you that you had your affair because you were too much in love with yourself (selfish), but I believe it happens because you do not love, or even like, yourself enough... no person who cares about their self-worth, self-esteem, or just self-care in general would ever relegate themselves to such a maneuver that can lessen one's entire energy into something of so little value to betray their marriage.

You sound humble and contrite... this is a good start for healing and will feel as a dagger in your heart, not for the loss of the illicit relationship but for the loss of self, you need this pain to remove the desire for your poor choices but you have to be aware that it was whatever desire you placed ahead of your marriage that got you into this rocky and messy path and how you will never make that mistake again.

It will take time, as it should, but place one new positive thought every day you wake up to how you can more be a better person, not just how you can make it up to your wife because being that better person will be her reward for your wayward behavior as well. That your AP is in your mind as a positive thing still, you must recognize it was anything but and if you really came to terms to the damage you caused yourself you would cast those thoughts away like a burning coal in your bare hand.

That your wife stands by you is a blessing you should not squander, continue to make it right and self-forgiveness will come once you recognize the destruction you have really gone through and how sincere you are on a clear and focused path. 

Earn this back...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> ...and I'm the culprit
> 
> Bear with me, please. I realize many of you will find me disgusting, but I'm seeking some candid feedback.
> 
> ...


What would you have done if your wife had not given you the gift of reconcilation?

Remember in the shock of discovery your wife may now be doing everything to keep things together for the kids etc, but if you do not start making up for what you have done, this may well come back to bite you in the a**, wives never forget.

Go completely no contact, write NC letter approved by wife

Tell family and friends, esp those who you know will support the marriage and keep you accountable (you must be accountable to others)
If you are in a church perhaps someone there

Counselling may help, but tbh I think you are getting the gift of reconciliation too easily, your wife sounds like a bit of a pushover


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you work together you need to get another job, otherwise you'll keep finding excuses to just need to talk to her about one more thing. 

Which not only won't help a genuine effort at recovery but the more things go on at work, the longer your chance of being fired.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What is it you were looking for in the affair. Was it about sex? respect? novelty? What attracted you to her, and what is it that makes you want to do it again?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

in_a_funk said:


> ...and I'm the culprit


You completely suck. You are a cheater. So you suck. I thought I would get that out of the way, since you are going to get some of that. Maybe I can forestall some by just getting it out of the way.  I know smilies are not what you are feeling right now.

So. Good on you for coming clean on your own. Get thy ass into counseling to figure out what you want and how to be the best husband to your wife who, from your post, sounds like the woman you want to be with. And she sounds like she deserves a good man.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Honestly ask yourself, "If this relationship with this other woman could blossom into a great long term situation and I'd be happy forever, would I leave my wife for her?" If the answer to that is yes, then you don't love your wife, you just love the life.


This is what I fear. I know the other woman was NOT the answer, but here were VERY strong feelings. Not sure if they were love, though we described them as such. I have a 99% feeling the other woman would have destroyed me in a life after divorce from my wife, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've thought about another life (with the other woman or some fictional other woman) after this marriage. 

Sad to admit it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Funk,

I suggest you send a private message to Elegirl. She is a moderator and can move your thread to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. You will get more advice there as some people only read certain forums. 

The standard advice you will get concerning affair with coworker is that you change jobs, no excuses.

You are physically addicted (dopamine rush) with the OW. Consider anti-anxiety meds such as Zoloft. See your family doctor. That is just one of a hundred things you will need to do if you want to get over this. You cannot fix your relationship with your wife while you still pine for this woman. Block her from your phone, from messages, from facebook. 

BTW, who ended it? You or her?


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> You completely suck. You are a cheater. So you suck. I thought I would get that out of the way, since you are going to get some of that. Maybe I can forestall some by just getting it out of the way.  I know smilies are not what you are feeling right now.
> 
> So. Good on you for coming clean on your own. Get thy ass into counseling to figure out what you want and how to be the best husband to your wife who, from your post, sounds like the woman you want to be with. And she sounds like she deserves a good man.


Counseling has begun...I've been several times now, she went once, and now we're going together. We are progressing, just concerned about those lingering thoughts I mentioned 

Yes, I know the negative comments are coming, and I'm ready for them and accept them with a shielded face, but I'll accept them as I deserve them. 

Thanks for being constructive


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Funk,
> 
> I suggest you send a private message to Elegirl. She is a moderator and can move your thread to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. You will get more advice there as some people only read certain forums.
> 
> ...


I ended it.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Infidelity doesn't just strike, as your thread title states. You made the decision somewhere along the way to cheat on your wife, so you need to own that. It looks like you're beginning to understand it isn't your wife's fault, but I think you need to understand the whys surrounding your cheating. I suggest finding a good IC and digging deep to try to get your head around that.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> If you work together you need to get another job, otherwise you'll keep finding excuses to just need to talk to her about one more thing.
> 
> Which not only won't help a genuine effort at recovery but the more things go on at work, the longer your chance of being fired.


I'm an independent contractor, but work for the same brokerage as the OW. I don't need to see her...I don't need an office location. Especially now that "the office" is known as code by my wife as a "hookup" with the other woman.

I'm trying to let a bit of time go by so that I can make the transition to a different brokerage. It's not a simple thing (contracts, branding, etc) so it would severely affect my business if I were to switch again so rapidly. My wife is aware of these challenges. In the meantime, she (wife) has access to my phone if she wants it (no password) and I'm being upfront on my schedule and have invited her to ask as many questions on my whereabouts as she feels necessary. I'm trying to be very up front about my lag time when I'm not at home...I want her to be confident I'm not doing those things.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Does you wife know you still want the other woman?


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

uhtred said:


> What is it you were looking for in the affair. Was it about sex? respect? novelty? What attracted you to her, and what is it that makes you want to do it again?


If you want *my* version of why...here goes, again, not excuses, just my thoughts on the matter as there is *NO* excuse. 

-I have traditionally had a very low self-esteem. I have an ADHD type personality bordering on Bipolar. I think this plays a larger role in my life than just our marriage, btw. 

-Our relationship has never (since day 1 at 16 years old) been a match, physically. As such, we've never been truly comfortable or intimate. Sex quickly became a "chore" for her. Our love languages are COMPLETELY different, and I failed at appealing to hers, so mine suffered as a result. 

I think these things are intertwined in ways I can't explain, and there's more history, but for starters, I think that's a decent stab at my excuses.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Does you wife know you still want the other woman?


I told her it was going to take a while to get the "feelings for the other woman" out of my head. I admitted that to her privately and in front of the counselor.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

aine said:


> What would you have done if your wife had not given you the gift of reconcilation?
> 
> ...
> 
> Counselling may help, but tbh I think you are getting the gift of reconciliation too easily, your wife sounds like a bit of a pushover


Not sure it's that she is a pushover, I think she's desperate and scared of a life without me. I'm a major contributor in our kids' VERY busy lives and help a lot around the house. We have created an expensive life and I'm virtually the sole bread winner. So, a life without me there is both financially daunting and logistically detrimental to her/kids' current way of life.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm wondering why she didn't throw you out of the house, take 50% of the assets and 40% of your income for the next xx years. Is she a stay at home mom?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > What is it you were looking for in the affair. Was it about sex? respect? novelty? What attracted you to her, and what is it that makes you want to do it again?
> ...


I think that before you get very far down the road of reconciliation, you need to decide if you can stay with your wife for the rest of your life and have a successful relationship. You say you have NEVER been a match sexually. If you never have, you probably never will be. A marriage is a sexual relationship. Maybe you two are not connected enough sexually to sustain a marriage for the rest of your lives.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'm wondering why she didn't throw you out of the house, take 50% of the assets and 40% of your income for the next xx years. Is she a stay at home mom?


She works very part time. She is educated and has the ability to work if she chooses, though.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I think that before you get very far down the road of reconciliation, you need to decide if you can stay with your wife for the rest of your life and have a successful relationship. You say you have NEVER been a match sexually. If you never have, you probably never will be. A marriage is a sexual relationship. Maybe you two are not connected enough sexually to sustain a marriage for the rest of your lives.


That's one of my major questions and doubts. It's selfish


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > What would you have done if your wife had not given you the gift of reconcilation?
> ...


If this is the real reason, she wants to stay with you for your way of life together, your life structure. Not because you are partners with a heart connection.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > I think that before you get very far down the road of reconciliation, you need to decide if you can stay with your wife for the rest of your life and have a successful relationship. You say you have NEVER been a match sexually. If you never have, you probably never will be. A marriage is a sexual relationship. Maybe you two are not connected enough sexually to sustain a marriage for the rest of your lives.
> ...


Ummm. It's not selfish to need a true and fulfilling sexual connection with your one and only life and sexual partner (because you now know that cheating is nothing you will do ever again).


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Yours is a common circumstance. Your mind will forever see greener grass since you haven't the ability to interject reality into your thoughts. You said


in_a_funk said:


> I'm wondering about what could have been


So realistically what could have been? What has your mind conjured up as this fantastic scenario? Does it involve a private jet, trips to exotic places, wild sexual encounters, what?

You must understand that until you can interject reality then you will always seek the fantasy. In reality, if you had stayed with this woman things would be very similar to the way the are with your wife. There would still be bills, laundry, chores, fights and all of the rest of the realities of life.

You are, in all actuality, not missing anything but because your mind can only see the fantastic part it creates desire and curiosity. What if your wonder woman should become ill, or cheat on you as she did with you? These are real possibilities that your mind does not even consider so, naturally, without any negatives your fantasy world looks very tempting.

You touched on it here when you said


in_a_funk said:


> whatever it is that my delusional mind thinks I need from my marriage. Or, how to change my perceptions of what it is I think I need that she's not giving me.


It is delusional to think that life will perfect with anyone. It could be better but it could also be much worse and the only real way to know is to try it as you did and then said


in_a_funk said:


> I *KNOW* she was bad for me. I *KNOW* our relationship would have ended up in a complete train wreck, and I *KNOW* she's nowhere near the woman my wife is.


This is the reality of your encounter with this OW. Now what you must do is to interject this into your fantasy thoughts. You have been given a rare opportunity, by a seemingly gracious woman, to prove your worth. I do not find you disgusting but rather childishly immature. However, your coming here looking for assistance is promising. The next time your are tempted by your fantastic thoughts of another woman simply quote yourself as I have here


in_a_funk said:


> My wife is as close to a perfect wife as one could ask for, She's trying and she's trying VERY hard. She's standing by me, as sickening and difficult as it/this is.


If you can still have the fantasy thoughts after reminding yourself of this then I fear you are too immature to be in an adult relationship and you should probably inform your wife and release her from her vow so that she may find a mature man to have a relationship with. I wish you good fortune in your efforts.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* In my minds eye, you have had your relationship with this OW escalate to the the PA level, but you are supplanting it by hanging on to and not really relinquishing the EA aspect!

Given that, until such time that you do, along with moving away from ever placing yourself in position to keep from ever seeing her again, either intentionally or by accident, you ate going nowhere fast, and no amount of rehabilitive therapy is going to help!

You have fully "made your bed" and if there are is a scintilla of true remorse within your being, you fully know what has to be done if you are sincere about trying to save this marriage! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My 1st question is: WHat is your wife lacking (emotionally, sexually) that your affair partner provided?... what void are you trying to fill that wasn't being met at home...

Ok. I just seen your post... she wasn't into sex.. more like a "Chore".. I posted before I read the replies..


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Yours is a common circumstance. Your mind will forever see greener grass since you haven't the ability to interject reality into your thoughts. You said
> 
> 
> in_a_funk said:
> ...


I agree that fantasy can be detrimental, and that life with no one is perfect. But he has stated that he and his wife have never been sexually compatible. It's not a pipedream fantasy to dream of having a fulfilling and strong sexual connection with a life partner. It does happen. He doesn't have that.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I agree that fantasy can be detrimental, and that life with no one is perfect. But he has stated that he and his wife have never been sexually compatible. It's not a pipedream fantasy to dream of having a fulfilling and strong sexual connection with a life partner. It does happen. He doesn't have that.


Several factors play into this "pipedream". Was this an arranged marriage or did he enter it willingly? He himself stated that it was not good since the beginning at 16 if I recall correctly. So after marrying his wife he is now feeling discontent. So he has an affair with another woman and after a year he realizes that this "relationship" is a disaster, I believe he called it an impending train wreck, so more discontentment.

Perhaps it is not the women. And it is a "pipedream" to enter into a contract knowing the parameters and expecting that they will change after vows are taken.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think part of the healing process for you is to try to get at why you felt you needed to have this affair. Was it because your wife, that you say is perfect, at one time wasn't so perfect and there were things that you needed from her you weren't getting? This is important because you can treat the symptoms all you want, but if you don't address what caused it, it will cause the same thing all over again.

You also need to establish boundaries for you with your wife and offer her complete access to your phone, schedules, social media accounts, etc, to give her comfort this won't happen again. You need to think of yourself as damn lucky she's taking you back and treat her that way everyday.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

in_a_funk said:


> That's one of my major questions and doubts. It's selfish


It may be selfish but there definitely are people who divorce due to sexual incompatibility. Sometimes they cheat to find the courage to leave and sometimes they don't cheat and just leave. But the majority (on TAM anyway) stay in sexless (or near-sexless) marriages and don't cheat. 

Plenty of the latter stories in the Sex in Marriage forum on TAM. Read up. At the very least it will make you feel less alone in dealing with sexual incompatibility. Just be aware, if you do read these stories, that in the real world there are plenty of women like your wife (that's not quite so true on in the TAM world -- and the stories in SIM reflect that -- so don't end up thinking your wife is rare because she isn't). There are plenty of women who just don't like sex. Or -- really important -- don't like sex with their current partner and there are many reasons for that. 

Keep in mind the decision to R is the only easy part. The rest is hard work and takes years to repair the damage. And, unfortunately, not every R succeeds but if you are both committed to it then it's possible to build a better marriage. I hope you and your wife succeed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Infidelity doesn't just strike, as your thread title states. You made the decision somewhere along the way to cheat on your wife, so you need to own that. It looks like you're beginning to understand it isn't your wife's fault, but I think you need to understand the whys surrounding your cheating. I suggest finding a good IC and digging deep to try to get your head around that.


But it's so easy to slide into something like that.

Then you realise you are a cheating POS.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

in_a_funk said:


> -Our relationship has never (since day 1 at 16 years old) been a match, physically. As such, we've never been truly comfortable or intimate. Sex quickly became a "chore" for her. Our love languages are COMPLETELY different, and I failed at appealing to hers, so mine suffered as a result.


That does not sound like "My wife is as close to a perfect wife as one could ask for,"

BTW, how do you know about love languages? Been here before? :wink2:


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

I had a few meetings, I'm back...I'll try to address the last few replies here:



NoChoice said:


> Several factors play into this "pipedream". Was this an arranged marriage or did he enter it willingly? He himself stated that it was not good since the beginning at 16 if I recall correctly. So after marrying his wife he is now feeling discontent. So he has an affair with another woman and after a year he realizes that this "relationship" is a disaster, I believe he called it an impending train wreck, so more discontentment.


Here's where it will start to sound like I'm making excuses. I'm addressing the "arranged" marriage part, specifically. My wife and I started dating at 16. We were each others' first. I was not an ideal boyfriend (jealous, hot head, athlete), but but we stayed together. It got to a point where we were following a "plan"...college, marriage, house, jobs, kids, etc. We never had the physical intimacy thing down, as I've mentioned, and I think that has lead to a less than close marriage. We get along well in public and most of the time at home, but there has never been a "connection" so to speak and sex has always been a chore for her to "make me happy" and not a mutually beneficial fun time. So, the marriage wasn't arranged, but it was almost obligatory....in hind sight. All american couple (football captain, cheer captain, parents married forever, etc...pressure to do the same)...



jb02157 said:


> I think part of the healing process for you is to try to get at why you felt you needed to have this affair. Was it because your wife, that you say is perfect, at one time wasn't so perfect and there were things that you needed from her you weren't getting?


I don't know the answer...some that pop in my head:

-Mental issues on my part 
-Selfishness on my part
-Curiosity about other women because I had no experience before her (selfish)
-General lack of confidence and self-esteem on my part (not sure this qualifies, but it's a trait I possess)
-No intimacy in our own marriage (likely because of my lack of self-esteem and resulting behaviors)

The bottom line is, I just don't know. I want to feel close to the woman I'm with and I never have...so I sought it out. Now I'm seriously confused and depressed on several levels.



blueinbr said:


> That does not sound like "My wife is as close to a perfect wife as one could ask for,"
> 
> BTW, how do you know about love languages? Been here before? :wink2:


Studied it in church many, many years ago


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I think that before you get very far down the road of reconciliation, you need to decide if you can stay with your wife for the rest of your life and have a successful relationship. You say you have NEVER been a match sexually. If you never have, you probably never will be. A marriage is a sexual relationship. Maybe you two are not connected enough sexually to sustain a marriage for the rest of your lives.


I have not read all the responses yet, but THIS is my thought as well. If its never been there before when things were good, it isn't going to magically appear now.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have not read all the responses yet, but THIS is my thought as well. If its never been there before when things were good, it isn't going to magically appear now.


This is what is giving me the constricted chest. Lack of sleep. Drinking more. The depression. The sadness. She is trying VERY hard. Admirable, confusing, flattering, eye-opening, scary....are some terms I'd use to describe her reactions to this whole situation. I don't know how to find out/figure out if she wants *ME* or if she wants the *LIFE* we had/hoped we would have. 

If she really, truly wants *ME* as she claims, then I think there's a chance and I'll work my butt off to get back her trust. If it's not really *ME* she wants, but the lifestyle or not to shake up the social perception, then I don't think it's worth continuing as neither of us will ever be satisfied/fulfilled. 

I can't be the judge, especially at this point...I already judged and acted, and now I'm in a tight spot. 

On one hand I feel trapped, alone, still yearning....on the other I'm hopeful that we have ignited something that will be the happy ending. Time will tell, in the meantime I'm fighting those thoughts from the past year of what could have been....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

in_a_funk said:


> This is what is giving me the constricted chest. Lack of sleep. Drinking more. The depression. The sadness. *She is trying VERY hard. Admirable, confusing, flattering, eye-opening, scary....are some terms I'd use to describe her reactions to this whole situation. I don't know how to find out/figure out if she wants *ME* or if she wants the *LIFE* we had/hoped we would have.
> 
> If she really, truly wants *ME* as she claims, then I think there's a chance and I'll work my butt off to get back her trust. If it's not really *ME* she wants, but the lifestyle or not to shake up the social perception, then I don't think it's worth continuing as neither of us will ever be satisfied/fulfilled. *
> 
> ...


THIS is the million dollar question. And I think its OK if you ask her this, because even though what you did was wrong, you do deserve to know where you stand in her life and if it is worth the time for both you to go through the agonizing journey of reconciling. In my opinion, she was way too forgiving way too fast. That makes me question if you are the man in her heart, or just the man who provides for her. Yes, the heavy lifting of R is on you, but you need to know if what it is you are lifting FOR.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> It got to a point where we were following a "plan"...college, marriage, house, jobs, kids, etc. We never had the physical intimacy thing down, as I've mentioned, and I think that has lead to a less than close marriage. We get along well in public and most of the time at home, but there has never been a "connection" so to speak and sex has always been a chore for her to "make me happy" and not a mutually beneficial fun time. So, the marriage wasn't arranged, but it was almost obligatory....in hind sight. All american couple (football captain, cheer captain, parents married forever, etc...pressure to do the same)...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can understand what you mean, I grew up in an atmosphere where I was expected to check off the boxes: go to college, get married, have kids, buy the big house, have the brightest kids etc, etc. My wife likes the social aspects of marriage but not the sexual aspects or the responsibilities she has as a wife and mother so I see where you're coming from. 

I think that you will find that no matter how much you try to reconcile with her, the fact that she isn't into the sexual aspects of marriage won't go away. You'll find yourself back to what led to affair. Maybe now is a good time to really be honest with yourself and ask the question if the R turns out great will still be faced with the problem of her not wanting sex. You may find that you would be better off finding someone who is instead of trying to make your wife do something she doesn't want to do that will just lead to frustration. 

You want the closeness to a woman she doesn't want to give. I have the same problem, it's led to a very bad marriage.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is the million dollar question. And I think its OK if you ask her this, because even though what you did was wrong, you do deserve to know where you stand in her life and if it is worth the time for both you to go through the agonizing journey of reconciling. In my opinion, she was way too forgiving way too fast. That makes me question if you are the man in her heart, or just the man who provides for her. Yes, the heavy lifting of R is on you, but you need to know if what it is you are lifting FOR.


Amen. I've asked her MANY times over MANY years that exact question. We have had discussions about finding the right person if we deemed we were not that person. Well, I've said it, it wasn't a discussion. She denies that notion, immediately. But, who's to say she's not just scared or embarrassed to admit it? Who's to say she can't fathom (either can I) a divorced life where she and I are splitting time raising kids, working our butts off, and doing *ALL* the chores in our respective lives after the split? Most of all, she can't fathom the label of being a single, divorced woman, is my opinion. That kind of showed itself in her original few reactions to me telling her what I had been doing/done. 

Anyway, that is the million dollar question and I'm not sure how to get it truly answered....


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I can understand what you mean, I grew up in an atmosphere where I was expected to check off the boxes: go to college, get married, have kids, buy the big house, have the brightest kids etc, etc. My wife likes the social aspects of marriage but not the sexual aspects or the responsibilities she has as a wife and mother so I see where you're coming from.
> ...
> 
> You want the closeness to a woman she doesn't want to give. I have the same problem, it's led to a very bad marriage.


I'm sorry I'm almost 40...perhaps I just won't opt for the Viagra in a few years when that time comes and I'll be happy then!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What did you talk about in past MC sessions? What has been the underlying issue or issues with your marriage? And you better know the answer by now.

I am sure Mrs. Funk is great, but any chance she is less upset about this because she is getting hers on the side? (My apologies to Mrs. Funk for having to ask that.)

BTW, your words below apply to so so many of us guys here:

-Curiosity about other women because I had no experience before her (selfish)
-General lack of confidence and self-esteem on my part (not sure this qualifies, but it's a trait I possess)
-No intimacy in our own marriage (likely because of my lack of self-esteem and resulting behaviors)


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> What did you talk about in past MC sessions? What has been the underlying issue or issues with your marriage? And you better know the answer by now.
> 
> I am sure Mrs. Funk is great, but any chance she is less upset about this because she is getting hers on the side? (My apologies to Mrs. Funk for having to ask that.)
> 
> ...


I don't know the answer, honestly. We left one couple's session and the counselors jaw was on the floor...I'm sure she thought we were getting divorced. It's always the same...I need intimacy....ok...we will make it work....whatever.

This time has been a bit different, since I've admitted I'm not perfect and/or ideal. So perhaps we can move forward, but I am concerned...

And no, I am 95% sure she's not "in_a_funk" so to speak. I have always wondered, however, if she might think ladies are more attractive to her....and that's ok.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

in_a_funk said:


> I don't know the answer, honestly. We left one couple's session and the counselors jaw was on the floor...I'm sure she thought we were getting divorced. It's always the same...I need intimacy....ok...we will make it work....whatever.
> 
> This time has been a bit different, since I've admitted I'm not perfect and/or ideal. So perhaps we can move forward, but I am concerned...
> 
> And no, I am 95% sure she's not "in_a_funk" so to speak. I have always wondered, however, if she might think ladies are more attractive to her....and that's ok.


Sorry, the threesome thing is not going to work, and if it does know that I hate you. :wink2:

So what did you do about the ".I need intimacy....ok...we will make it work....whatever." Whatever??? 

Are you attracted to your wife? Does she turn you on?


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Sorry, the threesome thing is not going to work, and if it does know that I hate you. :wink2:
> 
> So what did you do about the ".I need intimacy....ok...we will make it work....whatever." Whatever???
> 
> Are you attracted to your wife? Does she turn you on?


Yes, I have always been attracted to her, she is a very beautiful woman and very fit. And the other woman was NOT fit and NOT nearly as attractive, but we were very attracted to each other. 

We never really did anything about the previous counseling sessions or discussions, things would just go back to the status quo. I'd change jobs or we'd change houses or get a new car or something else to switch things up.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I think your main goal now is to help your wife heal, regardless if you R or D. You had better pray she doesn't cheat on you, because then you'll finally realize the hell she's going through right now. Be accountable for your time, your whereabouts, and give her unfettered access to your electronics, social media accounts, emails, etc. She seems to be rug sweeping this. Advise her to not do that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

IAF,

As long as you are in contact the affair continues especially for the OW with whom you are renewing the affair with every incidental contact.

Please contact the OWH and make your confession and apology so that he can recover or divorce his wife, you have harmed the OW family and need to make amends.

Have you been completely honest with your W answering all her questions without minimizing or lying by omission.

Tamat


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

in_a_funk said:


> This is what I fear. I know the other woman was NOT the answer, but here were VERY strong feelings. Not sure if they were love, though we described them as such. I have a 99% feeling the other woman would have destroyed me in a life after divorce from my wife, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've thought about another life (with the other woman or some fictional other woman) after this marriage.
> 
> Sad to admit it.


Maybe you need to ask yourself why you would have strong feelings for a woman who thinks nothing of banging married men? And the irony is, if you left your wife for that woman, she'd probably end up cheating on you, too. Because she doesn't respect relationship boundaries. 

I've dated a few toxic guys before, and they were hard to get over because I didn't feel good about myself. Once I figured out where those feelings were coming from, I stopped dating toxic guys. 

So, start with yourself. You can't love anyone else, until you love yourself, and something tells me that is why it's hard for you to deal with your wife who loves you without conditions, and gravitated towards a toxic woman, who probably didn't care about you at all, and certainly didn't care about hurting your wife. 

It's worth thinking about.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I think part of the healing process for you is to try to get at why you felt you needed to have this affair. Was it because your wife, that you say is perfect, at one time wasn't so perfect and there were things that you needed from her you weren't getting? This is important because you can treat the symptoms all you want, but if you don't address what caused it, it will cause the same thing all over again.
> 
> You also need to establish boundaries for you with your wife and offer her complete access to your phone, schedules, social media accounts, etc, to give her comfort this won't happen again. You need to think of yourself as damn lucky she's taking you back and treat her that way everyday.


He caused the affair, not his wife.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you think those things will change? 

Do you *want* to be married to someone who is not sexually compatible? Who does not provide you with the ego-boost that you want?

I don't care about "right" and "wrong". I'm just wondering if it was the marriage, not the affair that was the mistake. 

I've lived my life in a marriage with serious sexual incompatibility, and it never gets better. 




in_a_funk said:


> If you want *my* version of why...here goes, again, not excuses, just my thoughts on the matter as there is *NO* excuse.
> 
> -I have traditionally had a very low self-esteem. I have an ADHD type personality bordering on Bipolar. I think this plays a larger role in my life than just our marriage, btw.
> 
> ...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> -Our relationship has never (since day 1 at 16 years old) been a match, physically. As such, we've never been truly comfortable or intimate. Sex quickly became a "chore" for her. Our love languages are COMPLETELY different, and I failed at appealing to hers, so mine suffered as a result.


Then she can't be anything resembling a perfect wife for you, as you indicated earlier.

Note that I'm not saying this justifies your affair, because it doesn't.

But if I were married to someone with whom I had such an apparently irrevocable mismatch, I would get a divorce and look for someone with whom I could be happy.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> Amen. I've asked her MANY times over MANY years that exact question. We have had discussions about finding the right person if we deemed we were not that person. Well, I've said it, it wasn't a discussion. She denies that notion, immediately. But, who's to say she's not just scared or embarrassed to admit it? Who's to say she can't fathom (either can I) a divorced life where she and I are splitting time raising kids, working our butts off, and doing *ALL* the chores in our respective lives after the split? Most of all, she can't fathom the label of being a single, divorced woman, is my opinion. That kind of showed itself in her original few reactions to me telling her what I had been doing/done.
> 
> Anyway, that is the million dollar question and I'm not sure how to get it truly answered....


To get it answered, tell her that you are going to have an active sex life, with her or without her, and by that you mean that you are going to have sex three times a week, for a minimum of 30 minutes each (or whatever would be satisfying to you).

If she isn't interested, then you are going to divorce her and find another woman who will be interested.

Her response will tell you all you need to know.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you're all she's known since she was 16, then I'm apt to believe that she doesn't want to have her life disrupted and start all over again. It may very well be a case of loving the lifestyle over you, but it would also be scary for her to have her life turned over like an apple cart.

You put her at a great health risk, doing what you did. I hope you got STD tested and plan to have regular checkups. That notion alone would be all I need to be done with any man in my life.

Some here say that an affair saved their marriage. I don't understand but it's their experience. Maybe they wanted to blow things up and try again, but they were both 100% invested in making things better. You will need the same level of effort extending from you both or the one putting in the most effort will get fed up.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I can give no advice about getting over an AP because I've never had one. What I do see here is a wife that did you no harm whereas you hurt her as bad as you possibly could, and by grace alone she has agreed to give you a 2nd chance. You know how many people in life would kill for a 2nd chance to right a wrong that has ruined their lives? You are being given such a 2nd chance. If you've ever respected anything in your life then respect the great gift that is to you and don't squander it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_a_funk said:


> This is what is giving me the constricted chest. Lack of sleep. Drinking more. The depression. The sadness. She is trying VERY hard. Admirable, confusing, flattering, eye-opening, scary....are some terms I'd use to describe her reactions to this whole situation. I don't know how to find out/figure out if she wants *ME* or if she wants the *LIFE* we had/hoped we would have.
> 
> If she really, truly wants *ME* as she claims, then I think there's a chance and I'll work my butt off to get back her trust. If it's not really *ME* she wants, but the lifestyle or not to shake up the social perception, then I don't think it's worth continuing as neither of us will ever be satisfied/fulfilled.
> 
> ...



I get the impression that you do not understand the depth of injury you have caused your wife. 
The way you describe your wife’s reaction is the reaction of a person who has been deeply injured. I mean cut to the core. If she just wants the life style, it would not affect to the depth that she is. Look at the way she is now. Absorb it. YOU own that. What hurts the most about being cheated on is that the one person she thought loved her and would protect her purposely stabbed her in the back. That’s very hard to come to terms with.

You and your wife got together young in life and seem to have never really matured into a real bond. Your wife is not 100% responsible for the lack of connection between the two of you. You own 50% of that. She might not the hot sexual person you want/need. But you might not have been the lover that she would need to bring that out in her. 

The two of you might not be a good match for each other. Or the two of you might just be like a lot of couples who actually do love each other but don’t know how to build the passion and love in a relationship. Or you could be a typical cheater who rewrites history and says that there never was any love… yes it’s what happens in a large percentage of cases. There is even a name for it: “affair fog”.
Yes, it will take you a wife to get over the OW. But like most people who cheat, there will probably some a day when you ask yourself what on earth you ever saw in that woman. You get over her by never seeing or interacting with her again and by putting everything you have into your relationship with our wife.
Your wife is giving you a second chance. I think that she deserves for you to give her a good, honest attempt at reconciliation. One thing that I think can help you rebuild your marriage into a healthy, strong with full of the passion that you and your wife really want is to read these two books and work through them with your wife: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”.

One of the reasons that you need to do this kind of work on your marriage, if you stay together, is that if you don’t there is a very high probability that your wife will end up cheating on her. Over 50% of betrayed spouses do this as a way to self-medicate the absolute destruction of their self-image that an affair causes.

Give it a time period, like one year. If in one year things are not a whole lot better, you know that divorce is probably the best answer.

If you are not willing to do this, then just do her a favor and divorce her now so she can move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

in_a_funk said:


> We have created an expensive life and I'm virtually the sole bread winner. So, a life without me there is both financially daunting and logistically detrimental to her/kids' current way of life.


And the financial part is the number #1 reason she stays. Women who are foolish enough to become financially dependent on men have ZERO options when it all hits the fan.

She may be educated, but if she hasn't DONE anything with that degree for years, the likelihood of her just landing a plum job where she's pulling in the bucks is actually pretty low. She also sounds codependent. 

It seems kind of odd that after a year of getting your satisfaction from an affair, you suddenly decided to end it and come clean with your wife. Was she suspicious? Was the OW getting demanding - to the point where she was threatening to expose the affair? Did someone see you and you were afraid they'd get to your wife before you could? Or after a year of satisfying yourself and you'd had your fill, you suddenly felt it was the right thing to do?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> Yes, so far. We work together, but haven't physically seen each other since and haven't communicated since, *other than for me to tell her I was thinking about switching brokers and wanted her opinion on how to position that with our broker*. She recruited me over (during the affair, VERY bad idea, btw....VERY bad).
> 
> Anyway, yes, we have had no contact.


So the correct answer is yes, you HAVE been in contact with her. Good lord. Are you aware of the enormous gift your wife is giving you with her willingness to stay and try and work on your marriage?

You really risk destroying your marriage all over again to ask about a broker? Get some common sense, man. You knew there were other people you could ask about that. Be honest with yourself.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

aine said:


> What would you have done if your wife had not given you the gift of reconcilation?
> 
> Remember in the shock of discovery your wife may now be doing everything to keep things together for the kids etc, but if you do not start making up for what you have done, this may well come back to bite you in the a**, wives never forget.
> 
> ...


Start with the bolded because it sounds like you haven't done that yet.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

in_a_funk said:


> ...and I'm the culprit
> 
> Bear with me, please. I realize many of you will find me disgusting, but I'm seeking some candid feedback.
> 
> ...


OK, so you admit you did something terrible. But I don't think you're understanding just how destructive this is to your wife. You're trying to deflect blame away from yourself in places with passive statements like "infidelity struck." It didn't just happen to you. You sought out another woman and f%&(ed her for over a year. 

If there was a lack of sexual compatibility in your marriage you had the option at any time over the years to see a marriage counselor. If you valued your wife, your kids, your marriage, you could have done that. But instead you took the easy and selfish way out and cheated on your wife. Those are not the actions of someone who values their spouse or their marriage. You wanted candid...:|

You're also focusing on your wife's reactions only as they relate to you. "Flattered" and "shocked" really struck me, as instead of feeling grateful, humbled etc. you felt surprised. Did you think she would leave you? Was that why you told her? To take the decision out of your hands? To me it seems that maybe you feel your ego has been stroked by her decision to stay, rather than feeling the gratitude and recommitment you should be feeling if you value anything at all about your wife. 

I notice you lump your wife and kid's anguish in with a bunch of other damages as a result of this affair. Those are really the focus right now. Notice the damage you have caused fully. Own it. Address it. YOU did this.

Kind of seems like you're doing even more damage by staying and waffling about whether or not you should stay/want to stay. You already cheated on her, not just once, but for over a year. Nothing at this point could hurt more than to know you don't know if you want to stay. You destroyed her self esteem, her sense of trust. Same for your kids. If you're going to leave, man up and do it. Don't destroy them even further with your uncertainty.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Thanks everyone. I'm reading and processing. 

I have truly gone NC. If she contacts me again, as my counselor predicts, he suggested just a few words in response to reinforce I'm not engaging. 

Yesterday was a big day here...I had (chose) to admit to my MiL & SiL what I had done and apologize to them. One of the most difficult things I've done yet...and they simply responded with love...wow. 

Day by day is the way forward right now...we shall see where it goes. I appreciate the hard truths and candid comments and suggestions. I'll continue to process and comment...


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> OK, so you admit you did something terrible.
> ...
> 
> Don't destroy them even further with your uncertainty.


This is very candid, and I think quite perceptive. I'm not consciously trying to word things, lump things together, and/or provoke the types of responses you're suggesting, but it certainly does appear that I am. 

I'm also only airing these opinions, thoughts, questions, and doubts in this forum, currently. I'm looking for thought processes, mindsets, opinions, perspectives, and suggestions for how to approach the thoughts running through my head. I'm working through things right now...counseling...trying to earn trust back...

I'm hoping the "affair fog" lifts and the clarity will come.


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

You've got some deep digging to do. The lack of what you feel you get from your marriage is of course no excuse for your affair. You've owned up to it which is good to see. Continue to recognize the incredible gift your wife has given you.

Take this time to work on yourself and take an honest look under the hood if you will be able to have a happy and fulfilling marriage long term with your wife. I know a lot of middle aged people in their 40's who openly admit they would not have married the same person now as they did in their 20's. That's a crappy yet very honest realization. We all know more about ourselves and what's important to us now.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Is it ever a good idea to reach out to the "other woman's" spouse (either anonymously or as me) and give him some tips on how to recognize his wife's ways and propensities? He knows she had an affair...just not necessarily who and to what level...

Or, do I just go on about my merry way? 

Thinking out loud, I haven't done anything...just crossed my mind and it came up in a reply to this thread as a suggestion earlier...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_a_funk said:


> Thanks everyone. I'm reading and processing.
> 
> I have truly gone NC. If she contacts me again, as my counselor predicts, he suggested just a few words in response to reinforce I'm not engaging.
> 
> ...


If she contacts you in any way again, send her a no-contact letter.

Here is a link with a few examples.

Note that the no-contact letter is all about your wife and how you hurt her. There are no niceties to your affair partner. There is a reason for that... a very powerful reason. It solidifies to your AP where your alegence is now and going forward. If she keeps contacting you, then you just keep sending the same letter. Each time reinforcing it by escalating how you send it. First time via email or snail mail. The second time, via snail mail, registered with signature required. The third time have an attorney send it with a warning that if any further contact is made, you will consider it stalking and get a court order against her. This has to be taken very seriously for the sake of your wife and your marriage.

Also, you write the letter, let your wife approve it. Then it's mailed by you and your wife.

All contact that you do have with the OW has to be reported to your wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_a_funk said:


> Is it ever a good idea to reach out to the "other woman's" spouse (either anonymously or as me) and give him some tips on how to recognize his wife's ways and propensities? He knows she had an affair...just not necessarily who and to what level...
> 
> Or, do I just go on about my merry way?
> 
> Thinking out loud, I haven't done anything...just crossed my mind and it came up in a reply to this thread as a suggestion earlier...


I disagree that you should be contacting the OW's husband. And certainly not for you to school him on his wife.

What exactly would you tell him about his wife's propensities and way that would help him?

Now it makes sense for your wife to contact him and inform him about the affair. That way he and your wife can help to monitor any contact that you and the OW have.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If she contacts you in any way again, send her a no-contact letter.
> 
> Here is a link with a few examples.
> 
> ...


Thanks. She hasn't contacted me in nearly a week since I told her we needed to not communicate any more. I don't sense any more issues, but if it does happen, I'll take your advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in_a_funk said:


> Thanks. She hasn't contacted me in nearly a week since I told her we needed to not communicate any more. I don't sense any more issues, but if it does happen, I'll take your advice.


Hopefully that's the case. 

Sometimes, though, a AP will escalate into a stalker and starts to cause all kinds of problems. That's why the escalation is used. For some reasonable people, to be told one time to never contact you again is more than enough. If it's not, then it's a problem.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that you should be contacting the OW's husband. And certainly not for you to school him on his wife.
> 
> What exactly would you tell him about his wife's propensities and way that would help him?
> 
> Now it makes sense for your wife to contact him and inform him about the affair. That way he and your wife can help to monitor any contact that you and the OW have.


I actually feel bad for him, in hindsight. I see how manipulative she is/was (to him and me). I see how mean and hurtful she is/was to him. I'd tell him that every time she does XYZ she's banging someone and that he should know that. I'd suggest he ask her what she's doing on her phone, ALL THE TIME. 

It was a thought, but after your last reply about "no contact", it's probably wisest NOT to engage him either, as you said, too.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Hopefully that's the case.
> 
> Sometimes, though, a AP will escalate into a stalker and starts to cause all kinds of problems. That's why the escalation is used. For some reasonable people, to be told one time to never contact you again is more than enough. If it's not, then it's a problem.


As sick as it is, and as sick as it makes me feel, I think she'll move on to other people soon enough...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

in_a_funk said:


> Thanks. She hasn't contacted me in nearly a week since I told her we needed to not communicate any more. I don't sense any more issues, but if it does happen, I'll take your advice.


She sounds like a narcissist, are you familiar with that disorder? My advice, block her phone number, block her email, and any other avenue that she can contact you. I know you are feeling like hearing from her may be flattering to you, but it isn't at all. The only reason she would ever contact you, is to use you again. You should block her so you are not looking at your phone or emails searching for her contact. I remember breaking up with a guy who was a narcissist, and at first, it's very normal to want them to contact you, but it doesn't mean they are missing you, it means they are missing the game that they played with you. And if you don't want to be with your wife, anymore, you should truly move on, heal and then eventually some day, find a whole relationship with someone else. But, you have to do the work. Ending this relationship with this OW isn't enough, you have work to do on yourself or you will fall for another narcissist eventually, again.


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## nolight (Aug 20, 2016)

in_a_funk said:


> Amen. I've asked her MANY times over MANY years that exact question. We have had discussions about finding the right person if we deemed we were not that person. Well, I've said it, it wasn't a discussion. She denies that notion, immediately. But, who's to say she's not just scared or embarrassed to admit it? Who's to say she can't fathom (either can I) a divorced life where she and I are splitting time raising kids, working our butts off, and doing *ALL* the chores in our respective lives after the split? Most of all, she can't fathom the label of being a single, divorced woman, is my opinion. That kind of showed itself in her original few reactions to me telling her what I had been doing/done.
> 
> Anyway, that is the million dollar question and I'm not sure how to get it truly answered....




So is this your justification for cheating ? That your wife just wants a comfortable life with you as a husband ? I apologize to be blunt but it seems like you're still deep in excuse.

You were the one who kept lying and hitting other woman (and married one too) but now you're the one who think that your loyal wife is lying to you even though so far she has stood by you. Can you sense the irony here ?

Just cut to the chase, if you don't want her as your wife then end it. There's different between admiring someone and loving someone, and it sounds like at best you admire her (and i'm saying at best because you cheated on her and doubting her after the affair anyway so admire is a stretch). Those arguments above is just the mask because you're too scared to admit that you want to quit, or because it'll be to inconvenient for you so you project your feeling to your wife. 

Now ask yourself,
1. are you afraid of divorce and being single ?
2. can you do your own chores by yourself ? 
3. can you bear the "divorced with kids" status ?
4. can you imagine yourself as a single dad ?
5. are you afraid of giving half your income and networth to her ?


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

nolight said:


> So is this your justification for cheating ? That your wife just wants a comfortable life with you as a husband ? I apologize to be blunt but it seems like you're still deep in excuse.
> 
> You were the one who kept lying and hitting other woman (and married one too) but now you're the one who think that your loyal wife is lying to you even though so far she has stood by you. Can you sense the irony here ?
> 
> ...


This forum confuses the hell out of me...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are making a very standard WS error:

You had an A because you wanted 'your needs met.' Your reasons are all about what you need out of your marriage and for your life. In all of this, your BW is in large part background noise.

Now that you've come clean, she is in shock and grabs desperately at R. You're still 'in love' with your OW and now know that your BW will fight for you. You are 'flattered,' as you say. You have two (!) women who want you.

What you aren't factoring in, in my opinion, is the shock factor with your BW. She is undoubtedly in terrible pain, so much pain that her whole life is different. She tries to hide it from you now because she is afraid.

However, the shock will wear off. At that point, she will become one of the army of BS's who looks at the WS and sees a person (s)he doesn't really respect anymore, perhaps doesn't love. This settling in of feelings after the shock phase is very, very common.

If this happens, you will probably be the one who will desperately want to save your M. You will wonder how you ever thought the OW was worth the damage you caused. You will shake your head and note that you now see your BW with new, very admiring eyes. The problem is that she may never look at you that way again. That's what happens when you lie and cheat and break a good person's heart.

I think you can start working now to alter this trajectory by working hard to find your remorse and to see the truth about the OW, which is that she is herself a liar and a cheater. The sooner you make that shift in your mind, the greater the chance your BW will actually R with you for the long run.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I think you are making a very standard WS error:
> 
> You had an A because you wanted 'your needs met.' Your reasons are all about what you need out of your marriage and for your life. In all of this, your BW is in large part background noise.
> 
> ...


I read this, and I totally understand it. I realize the OW was VERY toxic, a manipulator to the extreme, and a liar to the extreme. But I still have doubts...I can't shake them. Trust me, I want those thoughts out of my head.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

in_a_funk said:


> This is very candid, and I think quite perceptive. I'm not consciously trying to word things, lump things together, and/or provoke the types of responses you're suggesting, but it certainly does appear that I am.
> 
> I'm also only airing these opinions, thoughts, questions, and doubts in this forum, currently. I'm looking for thought processes, mindsets, opinions, perspectives, and suggestions for how to approach the thoughts running through my head. I'm working through things right now...counseling...trying to earn trust back...
> 
> I'm hoping the "affair fog" lifts and the clarity will come.


Look at the way you started the thread: 'Infidelity has struck'

You didn't say '_I_ cheated.' You made it an inanimate act, one that was 'done' but not one _you _'did.' Your mindset is that of one choosing not to own one's foibles. Until you can start looking in the mirror and seeing the whole sordid mess and acknowledging it, you won't get far.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> Look at the way you started the thread: 'Infidelity has struck'
> 
> You didn't say '_I_ cheated.' You made it an inanimate act, one that was 'done' but not one _you _'did.' Your mindset is that of one choosing not to own one's foibles. Until you can start looking in the mirror and seeing the whole sordid mess and acknowledging it, you won't get far.


What more do I need to say than what I said in my opening post???



in_a_funk said:


> I have finally realized that perhaps my actions are NOT her fault and that I just f'd up.


I'm simply airing my thoughts/concerns and am seeking some suggestions and guidance. I KNOW I CHEATED! I have admitted it since the beginning. Everyone is caught up in semantics and subtleties and trying to point out, in every which way, that I'm a low-life, piece of crap, cheater. We all know this. I'm *WELL* aware and will live with it the rest of my life. 

What I'm trying to uncover is WHAT is driving my crappy, ridiculous, cheating behavior. Is it something that has happened to me in my past? Is it something caused by my relationship that *CAN* be fixed? Or, am I just a piece of crap and should go on about my life as a low-life scum-bag lying, cheating, unworthy of life human being, single and alone the rest of the time on Earth?

I'm honestly trying to answer these questions...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

in_a_funk said:


> What more do I need to say than what I said in my opening post???
> 
> 
> What I'm trying to uncover is WHAT is driving my crappy, ridiculous, cheating behavior. Is it something that has happened to me in my past? Is it something caused by my relationship that *CAN* be fixed? Or, am I just a piece of crap and should go on about my life as a low-life scum-bag lying, cheating, unworthy of life human being, single and alone the rest of the time on Earth?
> ...


And I'm honestly trying to suggest a possible answer. I've met quite a few people like you, who go through life deflecting hard looks. Who find ways to blame...something...for what they do. 

Until you can stop this perpetual chase, until you can just (honestly, and not snarkily) say, 'yeah, maybe I AM a lying cheating human being,' and really ask yourself this stuff instead of trying to find a magical answer, you'll never know.

Typically, people like this will never reach that place unless they hit rock bottom and have no choice but to look at themselves before they can climb out of that pit.

What you do, what you just did there, is a defense mechanism that you learned in childhood, for whatever reason. If you want to really know what's going on, go to a counselor and start digging up all that stuff and take a cold hard look at it. (hint: you'll probably find out it wasn't your fault, as you were a child) Only then can you start reassembling your life into something you can be proud of.


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## in_a_funk (Aug 26, 2016)

Thank you for the level-headed reply. I'm trying. I am seeing a counselor. He has since wanted to meet with both of us, so I'm not sure he's the right counselor, long-term as this will be our 2nd consecutive meeting together. Perhaps that's in the next phase of Reconciliation, I'm not sure.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I get the impression that you do not understand the depth of injury you have caused your wife.
> The way you describe your wife’s reaction is the reaction of a person who has been deeply injured. I mean cut to the core. If she just wants the life style, it would not affect to the depth that she is. Look at the way she is now. Absorb it. YOU own that.


Listen to this very good post!

Even your thread title is a giveaway to what you're doing. It is passive, something that just happened, not something *YOU DID* that deeply hurt your wife. Until you can own it, you are doomed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I would be attending a personal counselor for myself, to fix myself, AND a marriage counselor (and anything else she wants from you) to try to help HER heal.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I don't think you are anywhere near experiencing true empathy for your wife. That will leave her anger, sadness, resentment, and unforgiveness go untreated. It will fester, and one day she may have an exit revenge affair and not feel one bit remorseful about it. Imagine her on her back with another man more experienced than you, more well endowed than you. He's taking her to heights you never did, and she'd be enjoying every second of it. Let that play in your mind for a bit. There have been many betrayed men tougher than you who have crumbled into a puddle of tears when they found out their wives cheated on them. At this point, it's not about the OW, it's not about you, it's about your wife and the incredible pain you have inflicted on her. What you did was nothing short of pure wickedness. Focus on her healing, because if karma had it's way, you'll be on the receiving end of this level of betrayal sometime in the future. It may be five years from now, ten years from now, but you will likely reap what you've sown, so help her heal. Put in 100% effort.


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