# Feeling trapped and at wits end



## wtaylor (Aug 16, 2011)

I've been married for 15 years. Ever since our first child was born, my adoring wife disappeared. I screwed up the first year of our child's life...not being attentive enough to my wife's needs. I didn't help with the midnight feedings so she could get more rest, for example. She became very resentful of me. Once I finally figured out what was happening, I made amends when our second daughter was born and did everything I should have done the first time around. Even so, it seems it was too late for my wife. 

While she claims the resentment is gone, it still manifests itself in various ways. She will select out the contributions I make and focus on the areas I miss, so I really feel taken for granted. I'm the major breadwinner, but I make sure I'm always home for dinner. I do the dishes. I do all the maintenance on the house and handle the bills and taxes. She, because she works from home, takes care of coordinating the kids schedules, although I will do a share of driving them around as well. She cooks and shops. I feel chores are fairly distributed.

And yet, what is lost is lost -- she has no desire to be emotionally or physically connected to me. No hugs unless I initiate (and I can tell it's a burden on her). Certainly no sex. It's really come down to roommate situation, although we share a lot in common and do a lot together. We go on dates even. But nothing seems to change. She seems to be gone forever and doesn't care. This has been going on for years. Since living conditions are perfectly fine otherwise (money is not an issue and while she's chosen a low income profession, she has always had the option to work or not as she chooses), I have tried not to think about separation. I really can't bear to go a day without my kids either (who don't really see an issue, but probably think marriages are more platonic than they should be). We've been through three therapists, but none to much effect. Most days I can't even tell if she likes me. And I've tried to hold onto my love for her as long as I can, but I can't seem to anymore...not without it being returned. And the lack of intimacy is driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I would suggest two things:

1) Go to the Men's clubhouse and check out the threads on manning up and fitness tests. You aren't going to get what you want by doing more dishes. You may get what you want by regaining the respect your wife had for you. This theoretically would help restore her attraction to you sexually.

2) As you are doing that and becoming a better person, do some serious soul searching of why you want to continue living without addressing this issue one way or the other. Do you want to be married to someone that does not want to meet your needs? If you don't, are you willing to push the marriage a bit...break it down and build it back up so it meets both your needs...and be willing to risk that may end it? If you do all the work of manning up and regaining respect, and she does not respond, that would tell you a lot...

Good luck.


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