# Scared and need advice



## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for ten years on June 1. We have been having a rough time the past few weeks and now I think she is out cheating on me. I know she has been texting with a couple guys she knows and she has never lied to me about it. She told me last night she is going out with her friend that we will call Shelley. I thought something was up so I logged into our account for our cell phones and found the number she has been texting telling me it is Shelley. I logged into her facebook and looked at Shelley's infor and the number wasn't her so I looked at the guy's and it was his. She said she texted Shelley right befor she left to see where they were going but the only number texted today is the guys. I don't know what I am going to do if she is having an affair. I want to call her just to see where she is but I know that would make her mad. Please someone help me figure out how to get through this. We have a 15 year old daughter that I dont' want to go through what I did as a child with divorced parents but can a marriage last after someone stepping out and having sex with someone else.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Call him and ask for your wife....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not confront her until you have proof!
Can you aford a PI?
You will needa keylogger, sync her cell to the computor, get (2) VARs and a GPS....for starters


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

I thought about that


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

To guy I am disabled and fighting for disability and there is no way I can afford a PI>


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Calling OM will just get you the "we are just friends" and labeled as a controling husband.

You need to get really stealthy her so when you confront you can validate the next step you need to take.

This could go deeper under ground and it will be harder to prove that "they are not just friends"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok, how about the other tools I mentioned?


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

That is what I am scared about. I even thought about sending her a SMS from yahoo under a false identety telling her I know her and her husband and have seen her with him and am telling her husband but I don't know if that would work


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Getting ready to confront your WW takes work and strenght. You want it to be as effective as possible.

There are proven steps that work in fighting infidelity.


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

I am not sure how to get those tools


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

I truly love my wife and am in love with her but I was hurt befor her and I got together from a CHEATING g/f and don't know if I have the ability to go through it again


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Scaredhusband1 said:


> That is what I am scared about. I even thought about sending her a SMS from yahoo under a false identety telling her I know her and her husband and have seen her with him and am telling her husband but I don't know if that would work


Not a bad idea. Might scare her a bit.

Does her phone have gos tracking on it, such as find my iPhone? If so have a friend to see who she is there with.

This sounds very bad btw, and it does sound like she is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Scaredhusband1 said:


> I am not sure how to get those tools


You can buy them at Walmart and bestbuy,

Your disabled, are you mobile on your own?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

settle down and take the time to think.

You have a good idea, but take a day or two to come up with a plan.

Right now educate your self with regard to catching a cheater.

Your current plan is to risky with out positive results.

"so what some one saw WW and OM kissing" it was just a kiss and then what she tells you she sorry and won't see OM again.

YOU MUST FIND THE EXTENT OF THE AFFAIR TO HAVE AN EFFECTIVE CONFRONTATION.


Again your plan is just OK,,,you can do more investigation.


Does OM have a wife or GF?


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

Yes I am mobile on my own. But we only have one vehicle and she has it right now

Right now I just feel like crying but I am so numb I can't even muster up the strenght to cry.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If they are out right now, a friend might be able to run into them and find hard proof tonight. You might want to see if you can get some assistance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

He is seperated according to his facebook and my wife has been friends for a while now


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are having to deal with this. At this point you shouldn't be worried about making her mad. I had that mindset in the beginning also. That only hampered things and kept me in denial.

My estranged husband used to tell me he was hanging out with Wayne, Steve, or his parents. In reality he was with Susan, Jackie, Amanda, etc. Being naive and in denial, that worked for a while. But, then it caught up with him. While at our son's graduation with my in-laws, my MIL told my husband he really needed to visit more often. What?! I thought he spent last weekend with you?! Whoops! The cat was out of the bag. Give Shelly a call and ask to speak to your wife--for starters.

Next, you probably need to get more sophisticated. Either get a PI or check into GPS, key loggers, and voice activated recorders. If you look around in the infidelity section, you'll find a lot of discussions on "do it yourself" detective work.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ya this sh!t is tough, but do you want solid confirmation that the next step you take is accurate and valide?

You need confirmation that what you deside to do next is a deffinate move that the proof you have is worth the consequences your wife will face.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the guy have a wife or gf?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call Shelly and ask for your wife. Say you think her cellphone is off and you have a question to ask her.

When your wife isn't with Shelly, call your wife and act like you've not called Shelly if it comes up. Listen to the background while tslking to your wife.

Now here is the thing you do next. From skype or somethining that you can hide your number on, call the OM phone. Listen for the ringing over the phone with your wife.

This will tell you if he is there. Even better of he picks up since you'll be able to hear both sides.

If this happens, I would call her out on the phone. Usually I suggest holding off and building a case, but you might just be able to cut their meeting up short if you call her out tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not alone and you have every right to feel the way you do. many...well all of us have and had those same feeling.

While your WW is away gather your self and remember you will heal in time, but for now you must muster the strenth for your kid and your family.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back that matters.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Scaredhusband1 said:


> I truly love my wife and am in love with her but I was hurt befor her and I got together from a CHEATING g/f and don't know if I have the ability to go through it again


Friend, you are going through it again whether you want to or not. It is happening.

If you went through it once, you can handle it again. You have the strength within you.

Your wife is acting inappropriately. Don't be scared that your wife will be angry. Be ANGRY that she is lying to you and disrespecting you. Her behavior is W-R-O-N-G!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Call him and ask for your wife....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh most definitely!!

This oh please do this!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Oh most definitely!!
> 
> This oh please do this!


While dialing you wife on another phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The fact that OP knows Om and WW are friends will not result in any new developements by making the call. This friendship is not a secret.

The extent of it is hences the investigation need on OP part.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The douple phone call thing will only prove that WW is hanging out with her guy friend.

Alot of thses suggestions can be explained away IMHO


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

the guy said:


> The fact that OP knows Om and WW are friends will not result in any new developements by making the call. This friendship is not a secret.
> 
> The extent of it is hences the investigation need on OP part.


:iagree: They will deny any wrong doing. Then you are right back to square one. Cheaters deny, deny, deny.


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## Scaredhusband1 (May 5, 2012)

I just can't beleive she would do this knowing that she lectured our daughter not six months ago and she told her she would blister her ass if she did anything like cheating while living under our roof. I really appriciate everyone letting me vent. I litteraly have no one and if she is cheating I may not even have a wife or home


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats what sucks about a spouse having opposit sex friends, when it does go EA then PA it takes more digging. Other wise its just explained away and the betrayed is labed jealous, controling, and just plain crazy.

OP has his work cut out, but from the sounds of it he will confront any way and it may take weeks for him to understand my point, while the affiar continues. At least in my case.

You can only be told so many times "that nothing is going on" before you go colvert and get the smoking gun.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> The douple phone call thing will only prove that WW is hanging out with her guy friend.
> 
> Alot of thses suggestions can be explained away IMHO


Except she is actively lying to him about it being Shellys number and that she is outwith Shelly.

No she worked hard to create the lie about whom she is with tonight. Calling her out tonight maybe able to stop the affair going physical. Since she went to do much effort to construct the or, she is very afraid of being caught out, so this is a new thing she is doing, she's not an old practiced cheater. That's why on this one I'm suggesting immediate action. He might be able to cut short their first date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its call compartalmentaliz. Do as I say not what I do.

Your wife has two lives, the good mother and the party girl.

Its a script me and many others have heard time and time again.

Until OM is completely out of the picture your wife is not the women you married. It referred to as the affair fog.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shaggy, you make a good point, WW could be caught in this lie and it could be a turning point.

If it falls apart OP can regroup and attack in a different direction later on down the road.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest make the call but with out accusations ask her to come home imediately, there is a crisis. 
There is alot to be said about nipping it the bud, but I doubt that will establish a NC, just a c0ck block.

But hay its a start I quess.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Be smart about this. Do not tip her off you suspect something. That will go bad one of two ways....first, if you're wrong (about the cheating) and she is just hanging with some guy, you could push her closer to him. Believe me, she is dead wrong even if that is just the case, because she lied to you, but if nothing really is yet going on, you may have a chance to stop it before it happens. And also believe me, this guy (if the affair is not yet started) is waiting for every opportunity to pull her closer.

Secondly, if you're right, you may not be able to prove it and she could just deny, then going underground with it making it even harder to catch her.

Your most simple and cost effective solution is a voice activated recorder (or two or three) where she talks alone or where you know she goes to take the "I gotta take this call" call when you're there. In the car, on the back porch, garage, bedroom, whereever. You won't get the other side of the convo, but you will get enough of her side to know just what is going on. 

I did this when my W and I were dating. She lied early on about her involvement with a guy when we were dating (something I told her I was okay with as long as I knew the truth), and I caught her quite unexpectedly in it. It turned out to be nothing (other than the lie, and we discussed that that could never happend again). I never found a shred of proof to indicate anything was other than exactly how she said it was once I stumbled upon my discovery and asked her to come clean. I then let it go after a period of "verification".

Do not then let her know how you know. Recording others in a non-public place without their consent can be a criminal offense.

If you share a computer, you can get a keylogger. Is her phone password protected? If so, you may be out of luck there. But, if it is now password protected and was not allways so, that is also a bad sign. If it's not password protected and you have access to her phone, you can get spyware for that phone and see every text she sends, every text she receives...even pictures she takes, etc. But it costs a bit (about $100 I think), and you really don't need to go to quite that much trouble to confirm an affair. And I've not used it or really looked into it, so I don't know what the legal implications of taking that step could be. But a digital recorder will do it fairly cheaply. 

Snooping is not great, but she has lied to you about spending time with a guy. That, in my mind, justifies whatever you need to do to protect yourself and find out the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In this case it's already underground. Everyone is afraid of her denying. He's got her red handed in a big lie right now. The twin calls would seal the deal and serious c-block the hookup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Also, you have a number. You can verify it is the guy by getting "spoof card". It allows you to dial a number, and put another false number in as the originating number. This is cheap to do. Google "spoof card". 

Call the number from the local pizza hut's number or something. Or just go to a pay phone.

Once you have a little evidence, you can call his number from your wife's number. Or visa versa. If either of them answer "hey baby" or something like that...busted. I knew a guy who did just that. Called his wife with spoof card when she was out of the house. Entered in the possible other man's number. She answered "hey baby, I miss you!". When her husband was the voice on the other end of the line, things got quite confusing for her on top of being soundly busted.

If you do not have access to her phone, you can sometimes, with some carriers, use spoof card to call her phone, using her number as the originating number. Sometimes you can get right into the voice mail by doing so. But you need to do this when she's in the shower or otherwise know she does not have her phone. She'll likely pass off her own number showing up in her call list as an anomoly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If OP had assistence I think he gets some one to track her down, a wild goose chase I'm sure but if OP can confirm were she is at it might be a good call.

I think the two phone call could work with out tipping OP hand, he just needs a cover story for the call.

Hell do both...

But at the end of they day OP needs the smoking gun to have an effective confrontation.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Scaredhusband1 said:


> I am not sure how to get those tools


I know this is hard right now, but rhemain calm. It appears as though something is really going on here. To confront without proof (you have proof of a lie, and a huge one, but not of an affair just yet) may only bring denials, and cause you further doubt and anxiety which will only be harder to put down because she'll now be on alert that you suspect something.

Do you live in town? When she gets back tonight, go to the drug store under the guise of getting some beer, soda, something, or an excuse to get out of the house for an hour. Most drug stores sell digital recorders. Put in a set of lithium aaa batteries (expensive, but give you the run time). Disable any audible alarms on the recorder. Make sure it has a "hold" switch so it can't be accidentally turned off or turned on to play while you're handling it or retrieving it. The "voice activated feature" sometimes does not work at all well, and you'll miss important parts of the conversation. And it's good to hear her side in "real time". 

If you do this, you'll spend maybe $60, and can have definitive proof within a couple days. Being that you share a car, you're in an ideal situation. Place the recorder tonight, and retrieve it tomorrow as you "run to the store" again after she's had use of the car. If she's having an affair, she will very likely call him at some point from the car. If nothing (no calls), repeat this process until you get to the bottom of this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> But at the end of they day OP needs the smoking gun to have an effective confrontation.


ScaredHusband, you are getting good advice in this thread. I am sorry you are in this situation. It sucks.

The important thing to realize is that logic or honesty are not going to work if your wife is in some kind of emotional or physical affair. So you can't just say "I know you met with Joe not Sally" and think it is going to blow things open or get her to come back to you.

Yes this looks like some kind of affair, but you do need real proof before going off the cliff with it. What you have proof of is her lying about the identity and gender of whom she is communicating with and now meeting with. What you don't have is direct evidence that this is an affair. Yes 99.999% chance it is not innocent, but that teensy bit of doubt or wiggle room needs to be eliminated before you confront her.

My counselor told me that yes my wife's computer activity appeared suspicious, but she could for all I know be shopping for a surprise birthday present or arranging the anniversary getaway of a lifetime. Good point there, we jump to a conclusion and lock onto it, so if we get suspicious we interpret everything on that basis. There are alternate possible explanations. If your wife is cheating, she will have some good believable alternate explanations to cover herself. So you have to look at this as a process which will take a little time to get to the truth.

Never reveal your source of information to her. Never make a direct confrontation or accusation without absolute proof. You can do the phone call thing, you can ask her to come home for some reason (you feel ill, whatever is believable). You can approach her in a general way about your relationship without indicating any suspicion of an affair. You can stymie your wife's plans to make meetups difficult. All that stuff is good. But you need real data before you accuse her or confront her. If not, she'll think she can still get away with it and she will go deep underground.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Scared,
Sorry you are going through this. This is the worst possible thing one can endure. You are getting some real good advice on this thread. I want to encourage you to take it a step further though. You need to take active steps to make this as hard as possible for your WW. You also need to work on yourself and get some guy friends you can hang out with. It is one thing to be with the guys drinking beers and watching football while your WW is out doing her thing. It is HORRIBLE to be stuck at home WONDERING what she is doing and with whom. I recommend some hobbies or something to occupy your mind/time. 

Some other questions:
1. Who makes the money? You mentioned disability, is you WW the bread winner? You need to start at least thinking about what life after a divorce looks like. How do you plan to support yourself? 
2. If it goes south can you take primary custody of your daughter?
3. Can you take the car you share more often and make it difficult for you WW to have an affair? 
4. How are you set up with finances? Separate accounts or joint accounts? 
5. What does your debt look like? 

Those were some of the things I was thinking of before I separated from my WW for similar reasons. Once you have proof of EA or PA you give your WW two choices:

Choice A: Affair ends now with NC in writing. Any violation of NC leads to choice B.
Choice B: She moves out, you have primary custody of your daughter, and you divorce, period.

There is no choice C because all other choices lead to limbo which is where you DON'T want to be under any circumstances. 

Also, I recommend you keep a VAR on your person when in her presence in the home. WW will often use false DV charges to get you out of the home on a restraining order where you will end up paying spousal support, child support, and will lose custody of your child. If you have a VAR you can prove any charges to be false and save your a$$. Good luck and keep us up to date.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Find Jesus and life shall be better than you can imagine after you pass on as life on earth is but seconds to what awaits. 

But if you are not religious than i suppose find coping methods in a Friend or a Doctor

I wish you the best of luck you seem like a great guy its a shame you had to be with this woman and have her do this to you. I wish you best of luck man


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How did the night go? Did she come home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

IF she is lying about who she is texting then it does not look good...this is classic cheater behavior in my experience.


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