# Wife's Selfish Comments Speak Volumes



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wife and I have been trying to work things out through Church, MC and even IC. Its still a roller coaster due to her bad temper and poor coping skills. 

Things really took a turn for the worse when our son was born because when she decided unilaterally that she was going to be a SAHM, she thought it was going to be cake. 

Well our son is now two years old and today in one of her temper tantrums she complains about changing his poopy diaper and that she is sick of being a mother. Mind you I took off yesterday all day and gave her a full days break(she slept all day) and I also take care of our son when I get home from work. 

On top of all of this she mentions to me that a cousin of hers thinks our son has autistic symptoms to which I responded "Well it doesn't change a thing because he's our son" to which I heard her mutter under her breath "He's your son" in a disappointed, disgusted tone. 

So I ask you folks, how does a person handle their spouse's vicious, nasty verbal attacks and terrible parenting style?

She also mentioned to me that she was depressed and that she has violent thoughts in her head. I have tried to get her help but she's just won't go. :scratchhead: At a loss right now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Does she have a blood sugar problem? It can cause mood swings. Does she exercise/eat healthy/stay at a healthy weight? 

What do you do when she is being angry/aggressive or hateful to you?




Sanity said:


> Wife and I have been trying to work things out through Church, MC and even IC. Its still a roller coaster due to her bad temper and poor coping skills.
> 
> Things really took a turn for the worse when our son was born because when she decided unilaterally that she was going to be a SAHM, she thought it was going to be cake.
> 
> ...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Not every mom is meant to be a SAHM. This from personal experience. If it's not done right, it become downright isolating and depressing. Don't underestimate how bat-crazy being a SAHM can make a woman if she doesn't take care of her social and emotional needs. And it can turn into resentment against the child for all the stress and loneliness. Irrational? Yes. But it happens.

Is there any way to put the child in preschool a couple days a week so she can have some free time? That was a lifesaver for me. Gives me time to get out of the house, visit friends, exercise, get some shopping done, read, or just relax without my son around. I might not be clinically sane without my "me" time, honestly. I'm also seeing a therapist to deal with extended postpartum depression I don't think I ever got over. Might be helpful in her case as well.

Honestly, it sounds like she's just losing her mind being home with a baby every hour of the day. I might be way off, I'm just basing this on personal experience


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sanity said:


> On top of all of this she mentions to me that a cousin of hers thinks our son has autistic symptoms to which I responded "Well it doesn't change a thing because he's our son"



I'm actually mystified by your reaction. Of course he's your son. Are you projecting?


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Being a SAHD atm I agree with Mgirl. Never turned into resentment torwards my kidsbut it is down right nerve wracking.Oldest is in school now that has helped but still hav eone at home. There is just never "me" time anymore. As for the nasty comments that is something you have to weigh yourself. Try to get her that space for me time and if it continues after that then well I don't know that deciscion is on you but its not right.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Wife and I have been trying to work things out through Church, MC and even IC. Its still a roller coaster due to her bad temper and poor coping skills.
> 
> Things really took a turn for the worse when our son was born because when she decided unilaterally that she was going to be a SAHM, she thought it was going to be cake.
> 
> ...


Your children may be in danger if she has violent thoughts. In most places in the US you can do an involuntary commitment to a phyc hospital. I would get help from her parent or any close relative. The therapist is required by law to arrange for her hospitalization. 

The therapist does not need her permission. If the therapist does not act, you can threaten to call the professional board and report him/her. She must act if your wife says she has violent thoughts as she may be a danger to herself or to others, so you should call the therapist. 

Please act you may be dealing with an emergency.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has the dark periods where she rants and says all sorts of mean stuff. I don't think most of it is really thought out or that it really means anything other than she's feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Mine suffers from depression, Bi-polar, and who knows what else. She just basically says whatever pops into her head. Anyway, sometimes she just needs to blow off steam and once she does, she's calm again. If I took everything she said seriously, I'd be in a pickle. 
MGirl has a good idea. Could be some postpartum depression or could be she's just overwhelmed, bored, or all three. A break once in a while probably wouldn't hurt.
Yours has a bad temper and apparently argues badly and says cruel stuff. You don't have a lot of control over that but you can control your response to it (or at least try). When she gets that way, she's apparently not operating rationally, so there's no point in trying to discuss things with her or arguing with her at that moment. Just take charge of the baby when she gets that way, acknowledge that you understand she's upset and needs a break. Agree to talk to her about it after she's rested. The only thing worse than one person going off and acting crazy is two people doing the same thing. If she can't be tough, you're going to have to cause your son has nobody else. You may have to grow a very thick skin before she works through this.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

I also wanted to add that when she said, "your son" under her breath, this implies to me that she is emotionally detaching herself from her child to cope with the stress.

Being a SAHM is dream for most women and when it turns out to be nightmare for some of us, there is a *massive* amount of guilt involved.

"I should love this, but I hate it. There must be something wrong with me"

Postpartum depresson is tough. Being a SAHM is hard. Social isolation is exhausting. Guilt is overwhelming. 

Combine all of these factors and if you don't cope well with stress, you'll come apart at the cracks. Been there, done that. 

It really needs to be discussed in therapy before it becomes worse.

What are your ages?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Sanity-- I read some of your earlier posts. Has she been formally diagnosed with BPD?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm actually mystified by your reaction. Of course he's your son. Are you projecting?


Not projecting. Our son was also born with a cleft lip so she kept a pacifier on him at all times during pictures so people would not say anything. I tried taking it off and she would yell at me. It was a repulsive act that still pisses me off when I think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I also wanted to add that when she said, "your son" under her breath, this implies to me that she is emotionally detaching herself from her child to cope with the stress.
> 
> Being a SAHM is dream for most women and when it turns out to be nightmare for some of us, there is a *massive* amount of guilt involved.
> 
> ...


I'm 33 and she's 40.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Sanity-- I read some of your earlier posts. Has she been formally diagnosed with BPD?


She had not been diagnosed but the previous therapist alluded to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Both wife and son need to go to dr. to be evaluated. Some counselling maybe needed then again maybe it can be dealt with through meds.
She can go back to work while son is put in daycare. This gives her a break, and the child can play with others.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sanity, make sure your wife gets help. Her comment to you about having violent thoughts is a cry for help. 

She may be suffering still from PPD and could have an underlying issue like bi-polar or borderline or narcissitic personlity disorder, too. Right now, getting help for her is essential. She's clearly suffering from some serious stuff, and without help, it won't get better.

Contact both her medical health professional and therapist, if she sees one. Tell them what she said and ask for advice, and make sure they talk to each other. They will form plan for immediate intervention--and while it might make her mad, they will work with her to deal with her anger about it. 

Good luck and let us know what happens.


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