# Crazy Separation



## heartbroken76 (Jan 16, 2018)

Hi to all, while reading the forum I realized I am not the only one going through this! What is wrong with our partners that after so long in a relationship decide to drift apart? This is nonsense. My story is that after 18 years of having a normal marriage, my husband tells me one day that he is not sure if he is in love with me anymore and that he is moving in with his mother? What? my reaction is, he is totally gone insane. It's been only a month and he comes and goes. He comes to visit me and acts like a friend, he still acts affectionate but there is no kissing or intimacy between us anymore. I feel confused, abandoned, unprotected, sad, and the list goes on. He keeps telling me that he will be seeking professional help to finally figure out if he really loves me? Why on earth will someone need help in finding out if there are any feelings towards the other person? I cried so much that first month that I am already considering divorce. I like having someone that I can connect everyday, I miss him so much to the point that I get so upset and angry at his insane behavior. I told him I am not sure if I can go on without having someone in my life. I don't see myself alone. I understand and I have read that when you are going through a separation, one have to try to find things to do in life, but I cannot go on without love, I feel like my life is not complete. Can anyone relate to my feelings? Is it ok to accept this behavior after a long marriage? Has anyone seen their husband/wife come back and being sorry? I'm afraid if he comes back he will do it again. Any suggestions will be dearly appreciated. Thank you for reading.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Check your phone bill, and bank account. Lots of times this is cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IT may be better for you both that you stop all contact for a while. Either he wants a separation or he doesn't. Him coming round all the time is only making it harder for you, and how can he know if he misses you if he is seeing you so much?

I do have to wonder if he is seeing someone else. Otherwise why act this way after so long?

BTW if the marriage is over, please don't jump into another relationship just because you cant bear to be alone, that would be a disaster. Give yourself time to heal and recover first. 

Do you have children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They will tell you why this happens in a marriage and to fix it. My suggestion is that you read the books yourself first and do the work that they say to do. Then you sit him down and ask him to read the books with you and do the work with you. He has to move back home with you and do the work.

The reason for you reading the books first is so that you understand the plan and what needs to be done. The books will help you figure out what to say to him.

A marriage cannot be fixed if you are separated. You have to be together to fix it.

Counseling will not help because most counselors will only help him leave. They are not often not trained in how to fix a marriage. 

And keep an eye open, he might very well be cheating.

If he does not agree to return home and work on the marriage, go as much no-contact with him as possible. Look at the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you interact with him if he will not work on the marriage with you. Right now he's living an independent life and has you at home waiting for him. What a deal for him.... not much of a deal for you.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

You’re right this happens a lot. Your husband unfortunately has believed the fairytale about love being about feelings. Love is a commitment and a choice. You choose to love your spouse every day. Unfortunately he has chosen to follow his emotions. He’s hot and cold and comes and goes because feelings are not trustworthy and change constantly. 

You need a commitment from him to separate or reconcile and then once you both decide, you have to stick to it and work at it. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And

You need to stop thinking you must have a man in our life. You need to know you can be alone if you must be. You want your husband, your marriage, your old life. But without him, you can be whole and well.

You don't need to have a man, a husband, a marriage. You can be alone. If you need to be, you can be that strong. It is very important for any attempt at getting him to realize he does love you for you to become happy alone. It is very important for your own well being in life if he leaves you for you to become happy alone.

Please find a way to learn to love yourself, and be whole by yourself. Do not be desperate. Do not need someone else to love you to be happy. 

Please, be well. You are a whole, and wonderful, person, alone. You are. You can be. Be.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

My ex was shocked when I told her it was over.

I'll provide some details if you really want them.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> My ex was shocked when I told her it was over.
> 
> I'll provide some details if you really want them.


I'm interested.

She had no idea?

Was it lack of sex?

Or you just woke up one morning and said to yourself I don't think I love this woman anymore?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

chillymorn69 said:


> I'm interested.
> 
> She had no idea?
> 
> ...


A few particulars.

My ex was my girlfriend when my mother took ill with cancer and died in the 1980's.

I realized I'd never have another SO that would get the opportunity to know my mom. Never thought of myself as a mama's boy, but she was my confidante and support.

I found it extremely difficult to let go of my SO even though I wasn't particularly attracted to her. We had a 2+ year engagement and were largely chaste.

My ex wasn't socially engaging. I found myself attending her family's birthday parties 20 Saturdays of every year and vacations were even larger "family reunion" type stuff. She got laid off from two jobs and never really made her mark in the corporate world, so we figured she really had more potential as a mom. Sadly, the same personal issues that held her back at work kept her from connecting well with our adopted children. Not an easy job to be certain, but finding my 16 y/o daughter with a self-inflicted stab wound (3 inches) in our basement largely finished things for me.

A voice in my head said, "You have the same miserable connection with our kids that you have with me?"

Retrospectively, that's a disgusting level of blame, but not entirely unfair.

When we had the chat, she incredulously asked if I was "really" leaving her over the condition of our house.

"Not exactly, but not unrelated. The complacency with which you accept the fruits of the life I provide you is disgusting. Then you have the temerity to lecture me as if you're on some higher moral plane"


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