# Husband friends with girl I dont know



## mmagkjscott (Jan 21, 2012)

This is gonna be kinda long but I dont know what to do and need advice.

My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs and have 4 children. He has always made friends very easily...male and female. Im will admit I tend to be jeleous when he meets a new female friend but he is military so they are usually females he works with and I have met them and have become my friends as well.Untill now. He is national guard so he goes away for drill weekends.....leaving Sat morn and not coming home till Sun night cause we live 2 hours from base. About 9 months ago during his drill weekend he texted saying him and some guys were going out to eat. I checked our checking account the next day and it didnt show he had used the card so I asked him how much he spent (I take care of all finances so I keep track). he tells me a friend paid. Aww how nice right...well when he gets home he tells me some 18 yr old paid for it ( she came down with one of his buddies and his gf). Guess she had a crush on him.No big deal whatever. Next morning he asked me to text someone for him and I saw her name in his contacts. Asked him why he had it and he said he got it because he called them to tell them where to meet for dinner( yes I am naive and believed him). A few weeks later I pay our cell phone billand just for giggles see if he has contacted her.They had beeen texting almost everday. Ask him about it and he says they both love baseball so they were talking about the games. Again Iletitgo against my better judgement. I finally decided to check his facebook and found nothing except him realizing someone logged onto his account.oops.so checked hhis email one day just to see if my gut was off cause I had this feeling something wasnt right.Found emails she had sent him but couldnt find the ones he sent her. She was talking about liking the line they already had but crossing it would be fun.Texted him at work and told him I was done.He came straight home so wecould talk and said he sent her an email to get her to say that cause he knew I was snooping.He didnt like me checking on him and that I dont have faith in us that have be jelousof her. So Ionce again dropped it but not before telling him I didn tlike them texting so much.Well I didnt check for awhile and just let it go...maybe it was inocent chat about sports. So After beseball endedI checked just to seeand it has not stopped.Much worse then it was...some nights texting till early morning while Im sleeping. yet I hold it in for fear of last time cause he said he cant trust me cause I snooped. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Found out from online that he called her when he was at drill. And he called her last night. Been texting alot more too.Im just so sick over this.He has never hid a female friend before. How can he think this is ok?? Well I know why..Iet him. I am so afraid to talk tohim about this for fear of what he will say instead of teelling him how I feel about it. Is it normal for a married guy to behave this way. After rereading this I know I am stupid for letting this go on but Im a SAHM and Im afraid to be on myown. By the way he is 32....what does a 18yr old and 32 yrold really have in common....wait Iknow that answer to. I just need to know that Im not over reacting to this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, what do they have in common? She strokes his ego. He laps it up.

It's an emotional affair at this point...maybe a PA soon. 

You are NOT overreacting.

People don't hide things when they're innocent.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, what do they have in common? She strokes his ego. He laps it up.
> 
> It's an emotional affair at this point...maybe a PA soon.
> 
> ...


i agree.
i think he is up to no good.
confront him that he needs to stop immediately.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

A great deal of people will disagree with me but I don't believe a heterosexual male and heterosexual female can be friends. I believe that a great friend will move out of the way of a marriage. They will never let their needs come before their friends' marriage.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes, but actual friends are welcomed into the family so to speak.... we can talk and joke about them if not with them, they are not hidden and having to get defensive about.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

SunnyT, I'm not understanding by what you posted. Please clarify.

Friends are always welcomed into the family. I just believe true friends will always be there to support a marriage but never bring tension into the marriage, even a perceived tension. A friend will understand that a marriage comes before everything and they will never make you choose between them and a marriage.

I'm not understanding if you're agreeing or disagreeing with tme. Thanks.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

30Mom said:


> A great deal of people will disagree with me but I don't believe a heterosexual male and heterosexual female can be friends. I believe that a great friend will move out of the way of a marriage. They will never let their needs come before their friends' marriage.


i agree with this.
i believe that rather than trying to put in effort with a friend of the opposite sex, that effort should be put into your relationship.

i think that when someone in a relationship insists on having friends of the opposite sex they are trying to prove to the other that they controlled from doing what they want, even if its something that can get in the way of the relationship.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Im a true believer that married men and women can not be friends with the opposite sex. It always ends up with either an emotional affair or physical one which is just wrong if you are married you should be commited to the person you made a commitment to. Your husband has friends at work fine but theres no need for him to bring his work life home with him. I think you should put your foot down and let him know that you will not live this and you should be treated as his wife and respect your wishes. You say that you dont want to be on your own but dont you feel alone knowing that he is texting this girl while you are sleeping. Also aint you better off alone than to be with someone that thinks its ok to text call email this girl while his married and is a dad. If this was happening to one of your kids wouldnt he get mad and protect them, you need to protect yourself and kids and teach them that is not a way to live. Good luck whatever you decide


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## mmagkjscott (Jan 21, 2012)

I have no issues with him having female friends that I know. Or friends he had before we got together. My problem is being friends with a girl who obviously likes him and a new friend at that. Regardless of mutual interests he should have stopped it before it could even start.If a guy hits on me he wants to kick their *ss!!! But Im supposed to just be ok with him chatting up some 18 yrold chick?? My feelings are dont make new friends of the opposite sex unless they are work related and then their needs to be some lines drawn.But he doesnt like to be told what to do. and he says its different for him because he doesnt pick his friends they just happen....give me a break!!! So since my hot neighboor has kids and I have kids we should be friends cause we have that in common.....Thanks for all your advice. Helps to know Im not crazy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...for me to take on a new male friend (not one I already have) would mean I find him attractive and I want to know him better.

Wtf?

My husband gives me all the close maleness that I need.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

That needs to be pointed out to him that its ok for him to make new friends and have girl-friends but not for you. There should be 1 rule for both o you not 2. You will end up being the one that gets hurt if you do not act now.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

This is an emotional affair.

Is there any way you can gather more evidence? Any way you could get a copy of his texts? Or look through his phone while he's showering/sleeping?

Maybe get a VAR?
Find out what they are talking about?

You need to build up all of your evidence, so that you can throw it at him when you give him a choice. Either he follows through with having no contact with her and total transparency, or you kick him out and do a 180.

I would not bend to him just because you are afraid he will leave. You deserve for him to be a good husband and father, and if he won't do that for you then perhaps you need to look for someone who will.

This is not normal behavior and I wouldn't put up with it. Gather evidence that he CANNOT deny, in any way shape or form. Copies of text messages, or voice recordings of his telephone calls... Copies of emails/facebook chats.
Do you have any way of verifying where he is and who he is with during drill weekends?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

mmagkjscott said:


> ...he sent her an email to get her to say that cause he knew I was snooping.


You understand that this was a lie, right? That's textbook. So add at least one proven lie to this whole sad scenario.

He likes her. He likes the attention he gets from her. He wants to have sex with her. I have NO doubt.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

And that bit about going to the line but not crossing it. Yet. Pl-EASE!


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## KnickKnackM (Jan 21, 2012)

30Mom said:


> A great deal of people will disagree with me but I don't believe a heterosexual male and heterosexual female can be friends. I believe that a great friend will move out of the way of a marriage. They will never let their needs come before their friends' marriage.


:iagree:

I agree 100%. When my husband and I were first living together he was friends with a woman. She made a few inappropriate comments about him to me, and I drew the line when he took her advice over mine once, in a conversation that was strictly for our family ONLY. He gladly backed away from her, and has had no contact since then. Because I expressed my concerns that she would eventually come between us, and he cared. 

mmagkjscott: It does certainly sound like he is up to no good. Be it an emotional affair or physical affair....it is still an affair. 

If my husband DENIED what I found in black and white, I would say there is cause for alarm. Especially since in your gut, you had enough of a feeling to go looking for evidence. I would say texting at all hours of the night and e-mailing constantly is something. 

I would gather more evidence and then make a conscious plan to split, because it does not look good.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Consult an attorney and show him what your options are.
He is not acting married. He is acting entitled.
Being the wage-earner does not give him the right to behave towards you as he does. 
If he would like to continue this behavior to the demise of his marriage then that's his choice, so long as he knows what the cost will be to his bottom line. Good that this girl will pay for dinner for him.
Other than that you can't do much to change his behavior.
It sounds like he lives an exhausting life. Chances are if he is held accountable to his children and home life participation he will not be able to keep it up much longer. Texting while driving to his drill, or playing around while at drill, it will show soon enough in his performance and his repuation and he'll have to answer for it, safety and performance and reputation wise. If you try to address is publicly, the deck is stacked against you, he will say you are jealous and controlling and his 'buddies' will find it easy to 'agree' with him even though they know he's an a**. I would just document things and then write a letter to his commander suggesting that he is held accountable during drill weekends. If this is where it's happening then you can exert a bit of pressure from that direction. Also you can join the family support group, and then go to meetings and such and be seen in public with him during drills and stare down the girl. I'm not really sure he sounds like worth the effort. I think you'd be better off taking that energy and earning a pay check instead. The rewards sound a lot more probable. I'm really disappointed by my Army guy. Oh right, he had to wrestle during drill weekend for self defense and came home smelling like perfume...then a few weeks later another girl with the same perfume hugged him and he couldn't do anything about it...and of course our babysitter had the same perfume and must have been on our bed petting the cat (or something). Sigh. Why do we believe these lies? I know, it's because dealing with them is a lot of work. But it's going to be work either way. Unavoidable issue, unavoidable paperwork, unavoidable stress. Try to make it easy on yourself. Just believe what you feel. You're probably right.


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

I have to say that I let go of all my guy friends when I got married and they totally understood. I thought that was the best thing that they could ever have done for me. I did the same for them when my guy friends got married. I never called them and they have never called me even though we still have the same phone number after all these years. I have to say that it was difficult as my guy friends were better than some of my girl friends but it had to be done. I don't want my guy friend's wife having the wrong idea and I don't want my husband to get the wrong idea either. 

I think people often choose to be friends with the opposite gender because we are somehow attracted to them...we keep them in the loop because nothing might one day grow into something. I don't like that thinking. When you're married...there is no more looking around. If we're still looking, why get married? I think it's a belief that you first have to internalize and then project on to him. You can't take the approach of "an eye for an eye". 

I have male colleagues at work and we talk about our spouses but never go into details. We do not go any further than "how's your significant other doing?" We don't talk about personal issues that needs to be shared with a counselor or a same-gender friend. If we do things outside of work, it's either a department get-together or a couples' event. This surface level relationship with my co-worker has never effected my ability to work or with my employer.


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