# Trying to reignite the spark



## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

First some background on my situation. Married for 4 years, been together for 7. Recently, after some troubled times, we agreed to live apart and take some time to think about what we both want. Since Saturday, we've been spending a lot of time together and I been sleeping back home in our marital bed. Nothing physical has happened though. We don't want to rush things and don't want to repeat any mistakes that made us unhappy in the first place.

The sex issue. Previously, I wasn't happy. I wanted it 2/3 times a week. She wanted it once a month. In her mind, this was normal for the amount of time we've been together. She would not allow me to get her in the mood and whenever I talked about sex, she would tell me not to "pressure her" and to wait for her to come to me. When i did wait, we would go 2/3 months with no sex.

4/5 times a week, we would go to bed and would ask for a massage. As we slept nude, i'd lie on top of her, and naturally get turned on... I'd get a tiny amount of sexual enjoyment out of it, but not that much. She thought I started to view 'naked' massages as a sex substitute, so put a stop to it. She also requested that I sleep with boxers on from then on.

Sex and the topic of sex caused so many arguments. I couldn't talk to her about it without it turning into an argument. She thought I was obsessed with it as it was the only thing I kept going on about. But to be honest, it was the only thing in the relationship I felt was broken, hence my need to "fix it" to some extent.

Anyway, fast forward to this week. We have cuddled and had a kiss/peck on the lips, but that's about it. She's asked for the massage a few times but insisted clothes kept on. We walk around nude in front of each other when we get changed all the time, so nudity isn't an issue as such. I asked about giving her a naked massage... she refused saying she doesn't want to fall into the trap of last time round, especially if this is a fresh start. She said she's open to trying new things that's quick and easy, like a massage, but we both don't know what.

Foreplay is an issue.... she's never been a fan of a guy going down on her, and therefore won't even let me try. Her boobs are so sensitive that she'll only let me touch them if we are about to imminently have sex, so they are both kinda ruled out.

I mentioned a bit of tying up/role-play... she's against being tied up, Said she would try dressing up, but asked "Why can't I wait for her to come to me". Said I don't give her a chance, but as I previously mentioned, nothing is ever said or done when I do absolutely nothing.

I don't want to fall into the same trap as before, but I madly lust after my wife.... don't want her thinking I view her as a piece of meat or that I'm sex obsessed.... I just really fancy my wife, but am made to feel like a pervert when I try touch her! I don't dare ask her to even touch me in the slightest, as I know the response will be her automated "Why can't you wait for me to come to you".

Thing is, I don't really get what she's waiting for. I kinda understand as it's a fresh start, but it's the same answer as when we were together before..... Help! Need inspiration!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

she makes you wear boxers to bed? OMG, there is something seriously wrong with her!

MC with someone who specializes in sex disfunction. After only 4 years of marriage....she should be all over you. You need some help pointing out to her how important sex is to you, and how normal people married only 4 years have a LOT of sex.

I hope u don't have kids...sounds like this marriage is not slated for the long term. Wear a condom when you do have sex...just so that an "accident" does not trap you, and also to send her a message.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Seems to me she is getting off on controlling you. I would detach and quit asking for sex. Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer. If that doesn't work you have a choice to make.


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

We have a 3.5 yr old.... She just says sex just isn't important to her and she can't just have sex to make me happy, she has to want it herself.....


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> she makes you wear boxers to bed? OMG, there is something seriously wrong with her!
> 
> MC with someone who specializes in sex disfunction. After only 4 years of marriage....she should be all over you. You need some help pointing out to her how important sex is to you, and how normal people married only 4 years have a LOT of sex.


She says it makes her uncomfortable and less chance of me being in the mood than if i'm rubbing up against her nude.... :scratchhead:

Tried MC, but didn't work for her and isn't open to trying it again. She's a very closed and stubborn person, so doesn't like people knowing our business or asking for outside help...


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

mik3yc said:


> In her mind, this was normal for the *amount of time we've been together*.


Is anybody else seeing a major red flag here?
I'll try to extrapolate her thought process regarding the _amount of time together_:
early dating = sex 4X per week
going steady = sex 2X per week
just married = sex 1X per week
1st anniversary = sex 2X per month
..... etc

Sorry folks but _amount of time together_ is an uncorrelated variable in my sex equation. Clearly she views sex as a necessary means to begin a relationship, but which can be abandoned later.
I strongly suggest finding a good couples therapist to work through these issues.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You need some investigation, not inspiration. Not the private eye with telephoto type, more like the deep inside investigation.

The behavior you describe could be caused by cultural, religious, upbringing, or CSA. It even just someone being terrified of "losing control" which if you come to think about is a lot of what intimacy is all about.

You will need to determine - with MC or FC or IC help - what the root causes may be then think about solutions.

Your wife will need to be part of this investigation also. Do not push things but do not assume that being back together will automagically fix things.


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

tommyr said:


> Is anybody else seeing a major red flag here?
> I'll try to extrapolate her thought process regarding the _amount of time together_:
> early dating = sex 4X per week
> going steady = sex 2X per week
> ...


Quite possibly something in this. I said that sex over time will of course lessen, but it'll only be as often as you want it to be. In her case, not so much!



john117 said:


> You need some investigation, not inspiration. Not the private eye with telephoto type, more like the deep inside investigation.
> 
> The behavior you describe could be caused by cultural, religious, upbringing, or CSA. It even just someone being terrified of "losing control" which if you come to think about is a lot of what intimacy is all about.
> 
> ...


Hmmm but if she's against counselling, I can't force her to go. Don't get me wrong, she's open to ideas for new ways of improving "us", I just don't know what to suggest as it seems everything I want is out of bounds to some extent....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First off, don't accept the label of sex obsessed, or pervert! This is so unfair, not to mention completely dismissive. Turn it around on her. You are a normal healthy adult with a normal healthy sex drive, attracted to your wife and desiring sex with her, to feel love, to give love and to reinforce your emotional connection. What is HER issue? There is nothing wrong with you. Don't accept her trying to push this issue on to you.

Second, if sex was part of the issue that caused your separation, sex WILL be part of the issue that needs to be resolved. Right now, she is training you to accept her lack of sex drive. And right now, you are trying to accept her lack of desire for you. There is a reason why you're having trouble accepting this...it ain't natural!

Third, she is controlling you.

If she wants the marriage to work, she must discover where her sex drive went and ways to get it back. If she finds you less attractive now, she needs to be honest about it. Have you gained weight? Does she have other issues with you...not helping enough around the house, not having her back on other things?

Lastly, you have a 3 year old and while that is less draining then a baby, they still take a lot of time. A woman too immersed in being a mother will loose her sex drive. Mothers aren't sexy, but girl friends are. How do you treat her differently as your wife/mother of your child then you did as your girlfriend?

ETA: if she won't go to counseling, how does she expect your marital problems to be resolved?


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> First off, don't accept the label of sex obsessed, or pervert! This is so unfair, not to mention completely dismissive. Turn it around on her. You are a normal healthy adult with a normal healthy sex drive, attracted to your wife and desiring sex with her, to feel love, to give love and to reinforce your emotional connection. What is HER issue? There is nothing wrong with you. Don't accept her trying to push this issue on to you.
> 
> Second, if sex was part of the issue that caused your separation, sex WILL be part of the issue that needs to be resolved. Right now, she is training you to accept her lack of sex drive. And right now, you are trying to accept her lack of desire for you. There is a reason why you're having trouble accepting this...it ain't natural!
> 
> ...


I just think that because it’s not important to her anymore. If she can go a month without it and not blink an eyelid, then in her mind, there’s no problem. I’ve not changed, if anything I’ve toned up a bit more. I do almost all the chores and look after our boy the majority of the time… the only thing she does a few times a week is cook. She’s hugely stressed out with work, but loves it there so much that she would work there for free. Unfortunately work is her absolute priority, then our son, then the marriage.

I mentioned to her that relationships take work… she will only get out of it what she puts in…. she said I make it sound like a chore, and that she doesn’t want to come home from a hard days work and have to do more work with “us”….


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It's possible that, while you think sex is the only thing that's lacking in the relationship, she does not agree. What are her top emotional needs, and are they being consistently met? Your top need is likely sex, but is she meeting your other emotional needs? Do the two of you spend a good amount of quality time alone together doing date-like things? 

Take a look at the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mik3yc said:


> I just think that because it’s not important to her anymore. If she can go a month without it and not blink an eyelid, then in her mind, there’s no problem. I’ve not changed, if anything I’ve toned up a bit more. I do almost all the chores and look after our boy the majority of the time… the only thing she does a few times a week is cook. She’s hugely stressed out with work, but loves it there so much that she would work there for free. Unfortunately work is her absolute priority, then our son, then the marriage.
> 
> I mentioned to her that relationships take work… she will only get out of it what she puts in…. she said I make it sound like a chore, and that she doesn’t want to come home from a hard days work and have to do more work with “us”….


Well how the hell does she expect this marriage to work if she isn't interested in working to make it work?

I think you might be trying to reconnect too soon. She clearly has you and the marriage way down on the priority list and expects you to accept that if you want to stay married. Are you okay with this?

You're going to have to put some firm boundaries in place. Either she accept that good marriages take work and a conscious effort or she needs to be a single Mom. You may love her but in time you will come to hate yourself because being deprioritized makes you feel worthless. Don't accept that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mik3yc said:


> She just says sex just isn't important to her and *she can't just have sex to make me happy, she has to want it herself.....*


See, this is just WRONG on so many levels.

In a healthy marriage, she SHOULD want to have sex just to make you happy. Even if she doesn't really feel "in the mood", part of being married is making yourself sexually available to your spouse when THEY need it. She is demonstrating total selfishness by only having sex when SHE wants it.

Forget marriage counseling, you've already tried it and she's not open to it. She needs to see a certified sex therapist and find out why she is so sexually repressed and controlling. As others have said, perhaps she was sexually abused as a child.

If she is not willing to see a sex therapist and learn how to be truly intimate with you, you need to make an important decision whether or not you want to stay in such an unfulfilling marriage.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mik3yc said:


> I do almost all the chores and look after our boy the majority of the time… the only thing she does a few times a week is cook.


Also, you have allowed yourself to morph into the proverbial "doormat" by being Mr. Mom around the house. While it's great that you contribute to the household tasks, you shouldn't be doing almost ALL OF THE CHORES. She has lost respect for you by basically controlling your behavior and expecting YOU to do these tasks while SHE gets to just coast.

I second Thound's advice to read Married Man's Sex Life Primer. You really need to step out of this doormat role and get your Alpha on. You can't "nice" your way into more sex.


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Well how the hell does she expect this marriage to work if she isn't interested in working to make it work?
> 
> I think you might be trying to reconnect too soon. She clearly has you and the marriage way down on the priority list and expects you to accept that if you want to stay married. Are you okay with this?
> 
> You're going to have to put some firm boundaries in place. Either she accept that good marriages take work and a conscious effort or she needs to be a single Mom. You may love her but in time you will come to hate yourself because being deprioritized makes you feel worthless. Don't accept that.


She's always had that belief though. In her mind, a relationship should just come natural, if you have to work so hard at it, then why be together in the first place.... that's how she sees things.

We've lived apart for 6 weeks.... though we're not back together, she asked if I wanted to stay at the flat with her, and she's asked me to stay every night this week, but nothing has happened with us physically, so not sure if we are erconnecting too soon or not. But being away from her made me realise just how much I love her, for my sins! lol!

What boundaries are you suggesting, for example? I don't want to come across as being controlling, but she knows herself I can't make a relationship work on my own, she admits this.



happy as a clam said:


> See, this is just WRONG on so many levels.
> 
> In a healthy marriage, she SHOULD want to have sex just to make you happy. Even if she doesn't really feel "in the mood", part of being married is making yourself sexually available to your spouse when THEY need it. She is demonstrating total selfishness by only having sex when SHE wants it.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately there's no issues with her past, nothing out the ordinary, but, she is not a very rational person. Her mind doesn't seem to work like a normal person, as weird as that may sound?!

She is being massively selfish, but what can I do? I can't force her..


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## mik3yc (Oct 10, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Also, you have allowed yourself to morph into the proverbial "doormat" by being Mr. Mom around the house. While it's great that you contribute to the household tasks, you shouldn't be doing almost ALL OF THE CHORES. She has lost respect for you by basically controlling your behavior and expecting YOU to do these tasks while SHE gets to just coast.
> 
> I second Thound's advice to read Married Man's Sex Life Primer. You really need to step out of this doormat role and get your Alpha on. You can't "nice" your way into more sex.


For the bulk of our marriage, I've worked shifts, which meant a lot of time at home. So I did all the chores as there was no real reason not to. This has then become expectation. As we took time apart, I got a promotion, pay rise, but also meant working normal Monday-Friday hours... routine. Something we've never experienced during our marriage.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> It's possible that, while you think sex is the only thing that's lacking in the relationship, she does not agree. What are her top emotional needs, and are they being consistently met? Your top need is likely sex, but is she meeting your other emotional needs? Do the two of you spend a good amount of quality time alone together doing date-like things?
> 
> Take a look at the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.


Some men and women have an emotional "need" for drama. It raises the blood temperature and can cause a rush of hormones. Sometimes steady state consistency is NOT the best thing.


You can ignore them for a little while, pay them attention, do things they don't like intentionally, do things they like, dress, style swagger, tone of voice, say expressions that push a button. A lot of things we can do.

Sometimes you could be a cassanova, but wifey has shut it down and doesn't want it coming from you. But she will let a OM cassanova her. IN this case you could raise her competitive spirits by using social proofing. Get close to some other females, be part of it, attractive, etc. Country dancing, salsa dancing, stepping with other attractive ladies. Be a dance partner they really enjoy because your fun and charming.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mik3yc said:


> We have a 3.5 yr old.... She just says sex just isn't important to her and she can't just have sex to make me happy, she has to want it herself.....


this is unbelievably selfish. she needs to be told this is so by a respected third party. 

that's like saying "I don't want to do anything for you unless I feel like it!" that's the opposite of real marriage.

I agree with the others; certainly do not beg or grovel to her for sex. she doesn't deserve it.

until she realizes she's got to stop being a selfish beotch, there isn't much hope I'm afraid.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

So basically you were just a sperm donor and nothing more.
I too feel she possibly has CSA issues but if she won't do any ic and expects you to just sit around and put up with this crap is total:bsflag::bsflag:

You can't control her but you can control with what you will put up with from her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mik3yc said:


> She's always had that belief though. In her mind, a relationship should just come natural, if you have to work so hard at it, then why be together in the first place.... that's how she sees things.
> 
> We've lived apart for 6 weeks.... though we're not back together, she asked if I wanted to stay at the flat with her, and she's asked me to stay every night this week, but nothing has happened with us physically, so not sure if we are erconnecting too soon or not. But being away from her made me realise just how much I love her, for my sins! lol!
> 
> ...


Where on earth did she come to that opinion because she couldn't be MORE wrong! All relationships take work, even the relationship between parent and child takes work. She is doomed to suffer lousy relationships everywhere until she is disabused of that notion.

Boundaries: you simply state you are not willing to live a sexless life. You are willing to do the work necessary to be attractive and to groom arousal, but you will not live a sexless life. If she refuses to look at herself and find a way to meet your needs, you will get them met elsewhere. (That means divorce, not cheating.)


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Where on earth did she come to that opinion because she couldn't be MORE wrong! All relationships take work, even the relationship between parent and child takes work. She is doomed to suffer lousy relationships everywhere until she is disabused of that notion.
> 
> Boundaries: you simply state you are not willing to live a sexless life. You are willing to do the work necessary to be attractive and to groom arousal, but you will not live a sexless life. If she refuses to look at herself and find a way to meet your needs, you will get them met elsewhere. (That means divorce, not cheating.)


If she is not a victim of CSA then she is an entitled princess who is just plain nuts.
Either way it's time to make some tough decisions imo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Okay I just want you to check some things so you can rule it out.

Please check her phone records and put a voice activated recorder in her car and one in the house.
Again I am not saying there is another man but her behavior does raise valid suspicion.
At least with the VAR you will learn more than what she is telling you.
At this point what do you have to lose because this isn't a marriage as it stands now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lila said:


> The 1950's are calling and they want your statement back. :rofl: Seriously, this is a very one sided argument. What happens when the woman "NEEDS IT" but the husband isn't feeling it right then and there? As a non-selfish partner should he strap on a marital aid to get the job done? C'mon, this is 2014. People should communicate with their partners their sexual needs and compromise when needed to make everyone happy.


Lila, in a "normal" marriage this might apply. Good communication is always helpful whether it's about sex or any other issue.

But this far from a normal marriage. This is a woman who NEVER wants to have sex with her husband. He has tried just about everything but she is controlling the whole show here.

So I respectfully disagree, but your statement about the 1950s is not applicable to this situation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Lila, in a "normal" marriage this might apply. Good communication is always helpful whether it's about sex or any other issue.
> 
> But this far from a normal marriage. This is a woman who NEVER wants to have sex with her husband. He has tried just about everything but she is controlling the whole show here.
> 
> So I respectfully disagree, but your statement about the 1950s is not applicable to this situation.


Like those old tv shows where the couple sleeps in separate beds like that was real.
I guess better than the crap that is on now.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP--you've mentioned a couple of times that you don't want to fall into the same trap. With respect, I think you've already fallen into it if you're back in the same bedroom and she hasn't even acknowledged that she's part of the issue. She wants you to be ok with the status quo as a condition of getting back together. You need to be clear that's a non-starter.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Moving back in without getting an agreement will be the biggest mistake of your life. If you're out, stay out. Unless there is substantial change. Even then, I'd be non-committal.


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## Fun_One (May 28, 2014)

Mik3yc, there has to be more wrong with your relationship than just a lack of sex. My W states that foreplay begins in the morning and not just after dinner.

Having a 3 year old can also kill a sex drive and sometimes body image issues. Before you got married, you were taking her out and wooing her. What is it like now?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Like those old tv shows where the couple sleeps in separate beds like that was real.
> I guess better than the crap that is on now.


I noticed that too. It seemed like it was a lot of shows that they slept separately.

I love lucy and the honeymooners are two I can think of.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

mik3yc said:


> We've lived apart for 6 weeks.... though we're not back together, she asked if I wanted to stay at the flat with her, and she's asked me to stay every night this week, but nothing has happened with us physically, so not sure if we are erconnecting too soon or not.


Here is your problem, imo. I would suggest that you tell her that you are waiting for her to approach you as she has requested you do, and that when she asks you to stay it had better be at a time when she feels up for some physical intimacy. Until then you will visit but will not be staying overnight.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Is anybody else seeing a major red flag here?
> I'll try to extrapolate her thought process regarding the _amount of time together_:
> early dating = sex 4X per week
> going steady = sex 2X per week
> ...


This was my case too... I'd tell the OP to run, not walk, away!!! Do it before you waste 10+ years like I did.

The OP should watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

tom67 said:


> So basically you were just a sperm donor and nothing more.
> I too feel she possibly has CSA issues but if she won't do any ic and expects you to just sit around and put up with this crap is total:bsflag::bsflag:.


This is a totally unfair comment! He is also a maid too!

Look pal, this woman is controlling you and walking all over you. If you like that sort of thing, and you claim not to, then fine. If you don't, then only you can change the dynamic. It'll require you to toughen up and act like a man who knows what he wants, what his wife wants and to set an agenda that accomplishes both. Here's a hint to get you started: She really wants you to act like a man and her behavior is a bizarre attempt to push you there.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

mik3yc said:


> We have a 3.5 yr old.... She just says sex just isn't important to her and she can't just have sex to make me happy, she has to want it herself.....


Long story short.

Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulseer said:


> Long story short.
> 
> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How can they overlook that it is important to the man?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

That you want to work on the problem is good.

For us, mad monkey sex comes when we go through the effort of building up the relationship over time. When we do things together, spend time together, particularly when we *laugh* and have good times together. When we go off hiking and then talk in a secluded place, when we cook for each other and share some wine, when we do little things for each other and grow as people together and create new memories tgether.

See... I know some people think that sounds like a lot of effort just to get laid. Which misses the point so badly it makes my jaw drop, because once you are have that kind of closeness - THEN... thats when we great sex comes easily and frequently and enthusiastically. Better sex too. Oh yes.

Without it - yeah we have our little romps in the bed a couple times a week - but the spark as you say can fade.

Start working on being a couple again. You may find it fun. It takes time sometimes, but gets easier as you go along.

disclaimer: I dont claim to have the perfect relationship either - but no mistake this is what we strive for - and that is the point.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

soulseer said:


> Long story short.
> 
> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Utter and complete Nonsense.


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

soulseer said:


> Long story short.
> 
> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is simply not true. The situation the OP describes comes from one or two possible issues. First, his wife, for some reason, is trying to use the withholding of sex to control him. Perhaps thats her thing, or more likely, she doesn't see him as a respectable man deserving of sex with her. Or two, there is some serious issue in their relationship that is not being resolved, either because he is going about it the wrong way, or she has no interest in resolving it.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

soulseer said:


> Long story short.
> 
> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whoa! Don't speak for all women. I had 4 kids, so I more than fulfilled my desire to procreate. Yet, sex was and still is (past having children stage) still VERY important to me. And I believe there are far more women wanting sex after having their children than those with these issues of LD or ND. We just hear more from the men married to these women with issues than the ones with no problems with their sex life.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Abc123wife said:


> Whoa! Don't speak for all women. I had 4 kids, so I more than fulfilled my desire to procreate. Yet, sex was and still is (past having children stage) still VERY important to me. And I believe there are far more women wanting sex after having their children than those with these issues of LD or ND. We just hear more from the men married to these women with issues than the ones with no problems with their sex life.


"I have a headache" is NOT attributed to the male of the human species.

What is abnormal are the women who are here..they represent sexually enlightened ones 

When the world is filled of men not getting enough at all. Just about every marriage caters to the sex drive of the woman NOT the man.

Its a sad state of affairs for men in general.
That is reality

Hence THIS forum

I think in general women do tend to use sex to create stability and then as soon as they feel they can it dwindles again in general.

Men get the short end of it because women use our loyalty against us in marriage. They think is a ok to withold marital sex again in general

This story repeats over and over


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Utter and complete Nonsense.


No need to be so rude. Its my opinion. 

I did not say that to cause offense. There are stages to life. A time to live, a time to mate, a time to breed, a time to get old , a time to die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

soulseer said:


> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and *sex therefore is no longer important.*


WTH? Is this comment for real? I'm a woman, I've had two kids, and I can assure you that sex is still very important to me.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Mik3ucjh...my first reaction to your wife needing this much control over the sexual side of your relationship is that for some reason she is so afraid/scared of losing control or having no control that she is overcompensating by having to control how often...how you do it ....what you do....where you touch her...and what you wear. You have a scared little girl, who for some reason does not want to let go of control and enjoy sex. Even the areas she knows are very sensitive are off limits....they make her lose control and that scares her. 

I have only seen a couple things cause this much controlling behavior..
- abuse victim usually as a young person (physical and /or emotional abuse) by a person in authority in there life domeone that had control over them.
- very controlled legalistic conservative upbringing (sex is bad...only bad girls enjoy sex...ext..) a person from this kind of background has some real negatives to get past to learn to let themselves enjoy sex.

Just my two scents. No matter what it is...you need two need to talk because that kind of control is not normal and she will never have a successful relationship with a man until she deals with why she needs that kind of control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> WTH? Is this comment for real? I'm a woman, I've had two kids, and I can assure you that sex is still very important to me.


We all have our own opinions on life based on our personal life experiences.

Fortunately this is a chat forum where we are each free to offer our words without fear of people taking words personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Zouz said:


> from my personnel experience of 14 yrs of marriage ; nothing will regnite the spark except :
> -another women .
> 
> I don't mean to be negative ; I lived deprived 16 years of real sex ; and I used to even to pretend masterbate in Bed to make her feel that I need it .In vain tried everything ...
> ...


I've been preaching real world results such as this. Sometimes you may have to even literally "cheat" to get the gears turning again. As you saw, you can beg, plead, cry, explain your case and nothing will change.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

wow that is quite a story! I guess it was your body telling you that was something you could not do. And so glad the Mrs. caught on that SHE had to change.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Seawolf said:


> Look pal, this woman is controlling you and walking all over you. If you like that sort of thing, and you claim not to, then fine.
> 
> 
> > There are websites for exactly that sort of thing...lots of leather, chains, whips, nasty little clamps for...well you get the picture. If that is your thing, go for it. If NOT, then GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE.


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## funnybunny29 (Apr 1, 2014)

soulseer said:


> Long story short.
> 
> Women without realizing it want sex to fulfill their breeding instinct. Once they have children the desire to procreate is dampened and sex therefore is no longer important.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't agree with this either. I have 2 kids and want sex more often than my husband does.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

double post


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

funnybunny29 said:


> I don't agree with this either. I have 2 kids and want sex more often than my husband does.


He is a lucky man. His cup runneth over. My wife has 2 kids and we are damn close to sexless. opinions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

In short, the wife in this case is a bit of a control freak. Why she needs this kind of control is the question. I will say that at least yours gives you the reaction of being annoyed. She cares enough to get annoyed. We have not had sex in 8.5 months and the topic has not came up once. Life goes on every day just like it did before.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Whatever the deeper reasons for the sexual dysfunction in your marriage, you need to either get into therapy or get out wedlock.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> Whoa! Don't speak for all women. I had 4 kids, so I more than fulfilled my desire to procreate. Yet, sex was and still is (past having children stage) still VERY important to me. And I believe there are far more women wanting sex after having their children than those with these issues of LD or ND. We just hear more from the men married to these women with issues than the ones with no problems with their sex life.


That makes sense. Speaking as a man, the challenge with young kids is simply finding time when you are not exhausted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Read this thread carefully and look.up his other threads. This will be your life in 20 years if you stay with this woman

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/experiences-counseling/286897-counseling-round-two.html

You are separated and the only thing she is inviting you back to - Is A SEXLESS BED!!! What has changed? Not your wife!

She has nixed all avenues of getting help and she has basically told you she will not be changing, it's her way or the highway.

So - here are your choices (dictated by your wife, not me)

1. Her way - i.e. sexless marriage

2. The highway 

Choose wisely and Don't kid yourself - she has no intention nor desire to reignite a sexual spark at this point, even when she knows she may lose you and the marriage. What does that say? It says a lot in my mind.


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