# A long and epic tale - need help PLEASE



## ItsNotMe (May 30, 2011)

Hi Guys – wow where do I start. This is going to be a very very long post, it covers most of our adult life, but please, IF you have the time, we really need the help….

Have been together on and off since we were 14. Real childhood sweethearts. We’re now 32. We last got together at the tender age of 19 when she fell pregnant. At the time I lived with my Nan, had no job and couldn’t drive. We thought about a termination but she decided against it, she gave me every chance to leave her as long as I was there for the child. By the time that baby came into the world we had a place, I could drive and I had a temp job – I’m now one of the senior managers at the very same place. That little boy was the kick-start my life needed, the focus he brought to me and the pride I have how in how this little angel has developed is monumental. This was the first of a few life changing decisions that my wife helped me to make.

13 years later we have two more children, a daughter of 7 and another little boy of 3.

My daughter was born with a heart problem, had surgery at two weeks old, was in intensive care for 2 weeks. Whilst everybody else around us fell apart, this young inexperienced couple (24 years old at this point) stood firm. Complete and utter strength. When one feel the other would stand strong. And so we took this in turns until she came home. Indeed this was the story of our life together until recent times.
A knock on effect from her early heart problem meant she would always need follow up surgery to replace a valve. During one check-up the news was dropped that the time was now. 4 very long months passed – again everybody feel apart around us. Unfortunately, the strength we had before was stretched. I think the waiting for 4 months for an op that could have taken her from us was too much, and for the first time we weren’t there for each other.

The big day came and just hours before the op was due..the doctor reported that her ‘levels’ had returned to normal and we were sent home! They had never seen this happen before. A miracle had happened. Unbelievable.

I told the world via FaceBook and my wife left a comment to me; “we have a lot of catching up to do”.

For some reason, this never happened. Over the last 18 – 24 months our relationship has slowly fallen apart. Arguments become more frequent and although we would always make up, it was inevitable that they would reoccur. I would get annoyed at her obvious bad moods, start the argument and then would be told that I’m not interested, didn’t care about what was going on, didn’t pay enough attention and didn’t get involved in the day to day running of the family. I was “useless” in her eyes and needed to “man-up”. I would retaliate by picking holes in everything she did and would argue black is white, just to keep face and retain some pride.

When I look back she’s right about most of it, but I could never put a finger on why and so wouldn’t accept it. I’m certainly interested but never really got involved. She had been the driver of the family forever and had always made good decisions. After the scare, when I should have stepped up, I never gained the confidence to make the big decisions on my own UNLESS she WASN’T involved to see the final result. She has an almighty temper and the thought of messing up in front of her and taking the verbal battering was too much.

And so here we are today. She cracked two months ago and said she has been forcing herself to live a life to keep everybody happy, including any intimacy between us. She’s said she’s been intimidated by me for years (yep, we’ve been scared of each other) and has told me that she doesn’t love me anymore, although she insists that she wants to rekindle it – just doesn’t know how.

I’ve lost my best friend, my rock and my sole-mate. I’ve addressed the problems and am involved in everything now and am really enjoying it (other than the pressure) but find it hard to keep track, I still lack confidence big time.

Just two nights ago I told her I wanted to leave. The stress of seeing this once great relationship crumble, combined with being close to her but not being able to actually be physically or mentally close to her is too much. I recognised the confidence issue and don’t see how I can resolve it whilst being with her. It was my attempt to finally ‘man up’ and take charge of things.

She told me not to go now. Was shocked by my admittance of no confidence and refused to believe it (in a nice way). She realised she had played a negative role in all of this and so suggested that we should strip it right back to a simple friendship, try to rebuild with no pressure.

I’m worried as it seems like an impossible task with 3 children. There’s no time to find ourselves and each other. Her temper flares up so quickly, just a general grumpiness due to the stresses of life. I'm never sure if it's aimed at me directly, especially now I know that she's been hiding her feelings for years. I feel like it's me that's she’s really angry at?!?

I’m scared, I want nothing more than to regain the relationship we once had. I know I’ll never find that same spark again with anybody else. This relationship was written in the stars. She ticks every box for me, apart from the temper, and I think I’m the same to her, apart from the confidence which she’s only ever seen as laziness.

What do we do…do we cut our losses while we’re still friends and remain good parents or do we take on the long hard fight for something that I’m scared I can’t win? And whilst I’m sacred I can’t win, then there’s always going to be pressure.

Sorry for the epic tale…hope you enjoyed our journey 

Dave.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

don't throw in the towel. a man who is willing to walk away because it is too hard just when communication is getting productive qnd honest is chicken and will lose the woman's respect. you are already behind the 8 ball because you didnt man up earlier. you are like a little boy, afraid of his mother instead of a man.

first of all, do not tolerate disrespect in your household. the children will do as the.parents do. you are creating. a bad environment.

follow through on all promises. one of those promises was to death.do you part. better or worse.

do not ever say you want to leave again. you.set your marriage back miles.

and, get into marriage and individual counselling. you need.it to deal with your self image. you both need it to put this back on track. you are a pessimist, a can't do kind of guy. that needs to stop.
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