# Having a bad day, reconciliation stories bringing me down?



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Just in a down in the dumps mood because my STBXH picked up the kids this evening for the weekend. I miss them 

There are great reconciliation stories, especially the one by Amp. It's inspiring to read about couples who persevere and work so hard to reignite their marriages and turn them into great relationships, more so than when they first met. Why are they bringing me down? I just don't see it happening with my STBXH. It seems as if it was so easy for him to just move on after all our years together and everything we've been through, good and bad. How can he tell me he thought he was so happy until the end? That he was clueless that he was unhappy?? How does that make sense? How does that switch just turn off? No, there was no OW. Just general unhappiness, realization that doesn't love me, never loved me. How does that happen?? Ugh. He says he's depressed that he has "lost everything". Then why not work to get it back? I KNOW you can get that feeling back. I was there. I was in his shoes. I was at one point so unhappy, so out of love, felt so much contempt, didn't want to even be near him, but after time, and changing my outlook, I got that feeling back for him. Over the past couple of years, I still loved him, so much, but I did have anger and resentment towards him for things that happened in our relationship. I loved him, but I was angry and it showed. I know I have responsibility in the way things turned out, but I just want to be able to use what we learned in MC to try to work it out. Hate this feeling. Ok, deep breath, I'll be ok. Tomorrow will be a new day. 

Just missing my kids I guess.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're down. You miss the emotional connection.

It just seems odd that he was "clueless" that he wasn't happy. Smells fishey to me. Sounds like someone "helped" him realize he was unhappy.... i know you said no OW, but it just sounds like it to me.

Get out a scrapbook, or go to the store & get a age appropriate puzzle, game, whatever... something you can do with the kids when they come back. Focus on that.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

No OW. Not yet at least.

I do miss emotional connection. It was tense the last few months before separation. He was swamped at work, plus he was working on his masters. Super stressed. Which made me overwhelmed and stressed with my full time job and our 3 kids on top of my already present anger and resentment. 

I'm already thinking about what I'm going to do with the kids on Sunday. It's going to be a great day!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I know what you mean, Wild. My husband has my 14 month old son this weekend. I hate it. I miss my son. I am keeping myself busy though. Tonight I think I must have taken my dog on 3 walks--just to get out of the house and stop my brain from thinking. I play on a volleyball with friends on Fridays. So, I just got home from that.

I am volunteering tomorrow at an event for my local SPCA. ...it really helps to keep busy on the weekends we don't have our kids.

I also worry about my son. My stbxh is currently seeing 4 different doctors for physical and mental illnesses. (He is on 8 different medications). I sometimes worry about his ability to properly take care of my son. I have no rational reason for it--my stbbxh has never demonstrated any incompetence in this area--it is just a feeling.

I just know that my son is in better hands with me. 

It helps to think about all the fun things you are going to do with your kids on Sunday.

In the meantime, take time out for yourself so that you can re-charge your battery. We all need a break sometimes.

But, I know--I sometimes get jealous when I hear stories of other people reconciling...or at least trying to reconcile. I sometimes think..."Why can't my husband at least TRY?". 

We can't do anything about that though. We just have to play the hand that we are dealt in life and make the best of it. 

Deep down, I know that I am blessed with a beautiful baby boy, a wonderful dog, and tremendous friends and family. There are a lot of people who don't have any of that in their lives. Sometimes it helps to count my blessings.


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## RayV (Mar 5, 2012)

I wish my STBXW still cared for me like you women care for your Ex's.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

without wishing to state the obvious, every relationship is different. I am gobsmacked that my H doesn't even want to try and work things out but deep down I know that if we did reconcile we would probably be having the same conversation in a year if not sooner

I know it's over, I know it's the right thing, but it doesn't stop it being sad and hard

to those who are reconciling I wish you all the luck in the world


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Depression is something I have dealt with all my life and know all to well. Maybe I can shed some light on what he is experiencing now. What it sounds like to me is a clear case of "burn out" where he has overstressed himself to the point where he is emotionally and physically exhausted and just looking to get away from everything that stresses him out. I got this after leaving the Navy and emotionally pushed my W and family away.

While it may appear there is someone else influencing him, I highly doubt ther is another woman since he cannot love himself at the moment. Even if there is a codependent affair it's not going to last when he gets better. I know depressed people go through cycles of insecurity and anxiety pushing away everyone that means to help them or advises them how to get better. There is nothing you can do except agree with him about what he is feeling and sympathize with his struggles. 

I'll share with you what really worked well for me in cheering up my W when she was depressed as well as a few ex gfs before her, was something called the *DRAMA* pattern. Simply put you *Distract* him when he seems downs with something positive he would like to talk about. Then *Re-Assign * his negative attitude with something possitive. Make him laugh or excited about something light and fun three times and his next attitude will be optimistic. You can talk about his real issues in a *Mature* manner after that but be ready at any minute to pull back and change the subject to something light-hearted if he seems distressed. Most likely he will clue you in but not necessarily get to the real issue that bugging him because he either doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know why he is upset (Remember no relationship talks or pressuring him to feel different about you). From there on you can talk about *Action* oriented future events he can do. I always liked mentioning times in the near future where she would be happy but not mentioning myself or trying to get involved in their world.

This exercise will help improve the person's emotional state allowing you to substitute self defeating thoughts for more optimistic thoughts and works well to end the rough first conversation with, especially after an arguement. Though I would advise you use this ONE TIME and ONE TIME ONLY being that you don't want to become his go to for emotional support if he is rejection you at all other times. From there on you can talk about fun and light topics and end any phone calls on the positive high note before the lull and silence. With any luck his expectation of you will change after the first few times. And surprisingly this never failed to change the expectation my W had of me, especially after we fought over the D but enough time had to pass in order to talk openly.

Don't ever ask him or try to pry into his emotional state if he doesn't want to accept it, but rather talk about positive experiences you had with the kids. He loves his kids right? When he is ready to open up he'll reach out to you, and I know from experience silence works better than prying. What really helped me when I was depressed was someone to listen and give a hug when I needed it but not bother me with ways I could feel better. When you drop the kids off, be positive and act happy around him no matter how you're feeling (general 180 rules apply). 

Eventually he will reach a very brief "moment of clarity" where he is neither angry or depressed and question his actions. Though these times are relatively short lived, could be fifteen minutes or a few hours at most. This is where the real husband comes out and may apologize for any actions or speak to about what is bothering him. Again it works best to make yourself available to talk and understanding to his plight but give him the space he needs. 

I hope all of this helps. I can offer more advice but this is really all you need for now.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Just in a down in the dumps mood because my STBXH picked up the kids this evening for the weekend. I miss them
> 
> There are great reconciliation stories, especially the one by Amp. It's inspiring to read about couples who persevere and work so hard to reignite their marriages and turn them into great relationships, more so than when they first met. Why are they bringing me down? I just don't see it happening with my STBXH. It seems as if it was so easy for him to just move on after all our years together and everything we've been through, good and bad. How can he tell me he thought he was so happy until the end? That he was clueless that he was unhappy?? How does that make sense? How does that switch just turn off? No, there was no OW. Just general unhappiness, realization that doesn't love me, never loved me. How does that happen?? Ugh. He says he's depressed that he has "lost everything". Then why not work to get it back? * I KNOW you can get that feeling back. I was there. I was in his shoes. I was at one point so unhappy, so out of love, felt so much contempt, didn't want to even be near him, but after time, and changing my outlook, I got that feeling back for him. Over the past couple of years, I still loved him, so much, but I did have anger and resentment towards him for things that happened in our relationship. I loved him, but I was angry and it showed. I know I have responsibility in the way things turned out,* but I just want to be able to use what we learned in MC to try to work it out. Hate this feeling. Ok, deep breath, I'll be ok. Tomorrow will be a new day.
> 
> Just missing my kids I guess.


I could have written that!

I hope you are doing better tonight. It does seem like the Dumpers move on so much easier than we do. My H hasn't realized the harm he has done to his relationship w/ his kids. He will one day. In the book about helping kids cope w/ divorce it talks about how dad's may fail at parenting and sure enough mine is playing the irresponsible parent. It then talks about how mom's make excuses for the irresponsible parent....I am done doing that.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Wildflower3 said:


> Just in a down in the dumps mood because my STBXH picked up the kids this evening for the weekend. I miss them
> 
> There are great reconciliation stories, especially the one by Amp. It's inspiring to read about couples who persevere and work so hard to reignite their marriages and turn them into great relationships, more so than when they first met. Why are they bringing me down? I just don't see it happening with my STBXH. It seems as if it was so easy for him to just move on after all our years together and everything we've been through, good and bad. How can he tell me he thought he was so happy until the end? That he was clueless that he was unhappy?? How does that make sense? How does that switch just turn off? No, there was no OW. Just general unhappiness, realization that doesn't love me, never loved me. How does that happen?? Ugh. He says he's depressed that he has "lost everything". Then why not work to get it back? I KNOW you can get that feeling back. I was there. I was in his shoes. I was at one point so unhappy, so out of love, felt so much contempt, didn't want to even be near him, but after time, and changing my outlook, I got that feeling back for him. Over the past couple of years, I still loved him, so much, but I did have anger and resentment towards him for things that happened in our relationship. I loved him, but I was angry and it showed. I know I have responsibility in the way things turned out, but I just want to be able to use what we learned in MC to try to work it out. Hate this feeling. Ok, deep breath, I'll be ok. Tomorrow will be a new day.
> 
> Just missing my kids I guess.


I fully understand....while I feel encouraged by the reconciliation stories I get get sad thinking my husband never loved me or cared enough to try anything let alone he wouldn't even talk to me about what happened. That's the part that makes me sad. It makes you wish one of those men that were so forgiving and cared and loved their wives so much that they put all aside to work through their marriages were yours. Those are strong people.

I hope you find some peace and comfort in your kids today.
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