# Help with kids, Bathing together OK?



## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I am going thru divorce and recording what goes on at home when I'm not there. Found out my wife let the kids bath together. Do you think that is OK? 

Kids are 3 (boy) and 5 (girl).

At what age do you seperate them?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it's ok, they are still little. I'm not sure of the right age.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

That's fine. After your daughter turns 6, maybe?

It's intuitive, I think.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Some households shun nudity even for toddlers, some walk around totally nekkid into adulthood. What age are you comfortable with and what are your personal thoughts on nudity?

Personally - I think once a child begins school they need to know about boundaries so they don't innocently take off their clothes in front of other children or vice-versa. It doesn't mean they should be taught that nudity is shameful but that their private parts are private. 

Children often begin to naturally develop personal boundaries on their own. I think my son was about 8 years old when he began to shy away from walking in on me changing and vice-versa. By the age of 10 he would totally freak out and now at 14 he'd have a heart attack. LOL!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

those ages are no biggie, I think once their long term memory develops is when it should stop, maybe a year for the 5 year old


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, it's much easier to bathe at the same time until their older.

I have two girls and they stopped bathing together last year at 8 and 10. There just wasn't enough room. Now my 11 year old takes showers and my 9 year old still takes a bath. 

I'm sure they will be separated at an appropriate age. It sounds like your nit picking at every little thing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I bathed my son and daughters together when they were that age. Yes it's okay.

And you stop when the kids get uncomfortable with it. And trust me they will. Modesty comes with age. I forget the exact age but it really wasn't a big deal.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I tell them both they don't need to see each other naked. They still do from time to time though. My son is pooty training and he seems to always want to go before bed. He pulls his clothes off in his room and runs down the hall with his business out. Not a big deal but I tell my daughter she doesn't need to see his private.

She goes to school so I guess I am trying to instill a boundry. In listening to the recordings I guess my wife thinks I am a prude.

I can hear her tell her OM that I don't want her to sleep naked and I have always wanted that!! Being naked in bed is the best! I have always though PJ's are dumb. Never had any. I typically sleep in my underwear. Anyway a bit off topic.

Thanks for getting back.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, it's fine. I bathe my kids together. I am a single mom, and it's entirely too difficult to keep an eye on both kiddos at the same time. I wouldn't note that one down if I was you.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Note down the things YOU do with the kids, for the kids. The places you take them, when you pick them up drop them off, lessons you pay for, stuff like that. Make yourself look like the better parent rather than her like the ****ty one. Only note the truly vile things she does. Good luck, hope she gets hers


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You married this woman and she was decent enough for you to make two kids with. Now that you're in the middle of a divorce, she suddenly looks like an unfit mother and possible pervert to you? So, two little siblings bathe together? How were they getting clean before your divorce proceedings started? I doubt seriously that your wife waited for you to leave before sticking the two kids in a bathtub together. Nothing turns otherwise decent people into psychos, perverts, and abusers quite like a divorce.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Totally fine and usually how children see the differences between boys and girls.

Honestly, try not to make nakedness be so 'ew'...they are fine.

I bathed with my siblings, cousins, etc. it was FUN...no one sat there staring at genitals. Geebus.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

They'll separate themselves when the time is right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I want the kids! said:


> I tell them both they don't need to see each other naked. They still do from time to time though. My son is pooty training and he seems to always want to go before bed. He pulls his clothes off in his room and runs down the hall with his business out. Not a big deal but I tell my daughter she doesn't need to see his private.
> 
> .


Nakedness is not shameful. If you treat it as such, you'll have much bigger problems on your hands later. ...and so will they.

THIS is how kids learn. Wow.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh, gosh, I remember going to a beach in Europe while visiting family, and most of the kids were naked, and some of the girls only had bottoms on. No one blinked an eye. Nudity is not a big deal, certainly nothing that a court would consider a "problem" if kids bathe together.

You'll make yourself look clueless about kids if you bring this up as an "unfit mother" thing.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I was thinking about this a while back.

I don't bath my kids together for one reason only, they go nuts in there and flood the floor, bath toys all over the place...lol

My ex puts them in together, (4 and 6), and I'm wondering if it's time to separate them. I don't want to give them any hang ups either.

Weirdly, my daughter is so open, she refuses to sleep in anything but her underwear, and will run around naked, and she's almost 7. My 4 year old son is the complete opposite as is my 22 year old son. My 4 year old has to have the door closed when I dress or undress him, I keep telling him "we've all seen each other naked, it's ok". 

Their new crazy thing is farts, omg, it drives me up the wall.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I want the kids! said:


> I tell them both they don't need to see each other naked. They still do from time to time though. My son is pooty training and he seems to always want to go before bed. He pulls his clothes off in his room and runs down the hall with his business out. Not a big deal but I tell my daughter she doesn't need to see his private.


PLEASE stop doing this. Nakedness is not something to tell them they should hide. Like others have said, this attitude will just cause problems down the road.

Your kids are very young still. If/when they want to not be naked in front of each other, they will say so.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

to the OP, your screen name is I Want My Kids, but after 3-5 years you don't even know how they bathe? Is it really in your kids best interests for you to be intervening and taking custody of them? Wouldn't they be better off with the mom that has been raising them since birth to be their custodial parent? Why the sudden need to restructure you children's parenting it seems obvious that it has been their mom's job thus far... Maybe there is something you are being discrete with, such as abuse by their mom or something, so I'm not going to insinuate you are out of place by being a more involved father now you are divorcing, just proposing that maybe everyone would be better off if you left the parenting schedule as close to unchanged as possible?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Mine are 4 (boy) and 6 (girl). I would bathe them together a lot of the time, but now I just do my boy first and then my girl because her hair leaves such a soapy mess in the water. lol.

Seeing how next year my daughter will be in grade 1, I am now trying to separate the nudity around them. More of a boundary thing.

I scrub my daughter down, but I get her to do her private parts now. Trying to teach her the importance of those areas, if dad doesn't feel comfortable doing it, then no one else should be touching those areas either. But I do let her know that if there's any problems ever to let me know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Children will separate themselves when they feel it is time to be modest. Let them decide. It's usually around ages 6 and 7...when they want "privacy". It's a good boundary for THEM to learn on their own.

When you make a big deal about it, they think their body is dirty or shameful or they've done/seen something wrong. They'll be MORE curious about it and then puberty hits.

Yea. Fun times. lol. I know it's probably harder for dads than moms to deal with nudity, especially with their daughters, but I promise you it's not sexual and they are so innocent. Don't ruin that.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> to the OP, your screen name is I Want My Kids, but after 3-5 years you don't even know how they bathe? Is it really in your kids best interests for you to be intervening and taking custody of them? Wouldn't they be better off with the mom that has been raising them since birth to be their custodial parent? Why the sudden need to restructure you children's parenting it seems obvious that it has been their mom's job thus far... Maybe there is something you are being discrete with, such as abuse by their mom or something, so I'm not going to insinuate you are out of place by being a more involved father now you are divorcing, just proposing that maybe everyone would be better off if you left the parenting schedule as close to unchanged as possible?


No you misunderstand. This is the first time I have ever heard of them bathing together. We always bath them apart. I actually bath them a lot of the time. My son is fearless and loves the water but my daughter doesn't like it on her face so you have to be very careful when washing her hair. I am very active in my kids lives that is why I want them. Also my wife has checked out and is living the single life. While my kids were bathing together she was on her secret phone with the OM! Not watching to be sure they were safe etc.

I don't have a big issue with them bathing together but we hadn't done it before. It seems as if the OM is changing my wife to some degree. She even looked into a nudist colony! Seems odd based on our 14 year history.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Children will separate themselves when they feel it is time to be modest. Let them decide. It's usually around ages 6 and 7...when they want "privacy". It's a good boundary for THEM to learn on their own.
> 
> When you make a big deal about it, they think their body is dirty or shameful or they've done/seen something wrong. They'll be MORE curious about it and then puberty hits.
> 
> Yea. Fun times. lol. I know it's probably harder for dads than moms to deal with nudity, especially with their daughters, but I promise you it's not sexual and they are so innocent. Don't ruin that.


My post was an attempt to understand. I do see now maybe I'm a little over protective. My daughter does close the door when she dresses etc. and kicks her brother out.

The bath thing seemed more like a party splashing etc. Like I said my wife wasn't really in there with them they were just playing more than washing.

Thanks for the help understanding this. It is hard for me to understand. I was the baby and don't really remember playing with my sisters etc. the next one was 6 years older than me.

I guess the biggest issue I have is the fact that my wife is hiding all these things from me because she thinks I'll get upset. Seems like she is telling her OM that I am some sort of tyrant or something.

I really think her mind is off a bit.

Anyway thanks again, and please post more I appreciate input.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Children will separate themselves when they feel it is time to be modest. Let them decide. It's usually around ages 6 and 7...when they want "privacy". It's a good boundary for THEM to learn on their own.
> 
> When you make a big deal about it, they think their body is dirty or shameful or they've done/seen something wrong. They'll be MORE curious about it and then puberty hits.
> 
> Yea. Fun times. lol. I know it's probably harder for dads than moms to deal with nudity, especially with their daughters, but I promise you it's not sexual and they are so innocent. Don't ruin that.


Yeah -- My little brother and my daughter are around the same age, and a long time ago they use to vacation together, do a lot together, including bathing, and around the age of 6 or 7 one summer my little brother commented once on their body "differences" and he was grossed out - lol. That was the end of their bathing together 

My toddler twins are 3ish. Sometimes we all bathe together (mommy, daddy, kids) and they've asked questions and I'm happy to report they know what some differences are in boy/girl. We also use bath time as playtime for them, they love their baths and yes, it is so very innocent.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I want the kids! said:


> No you misunderstand. This is the first time I have ever heard of them bathing together. We always bath them apart. I actually bath them a lot of the time. My son is fearless and loves the water but my daughter doesn't like it on her face so you have to be very careful when washing her hair. I am very active in my kids lives that is why I want them. Also my wife has checked out and is living the single life. While my kids were bathing together she was on her secret phone with the OM! Not watching to be sure they were safe etc.
> 
> I don't have a big issue with them bathing together but we hadn't done it before. It seems as if the OM is changing my wife to some degree. She even looked into a nudist colony! Seems odd based on our 14 year history.


Sorry for misunderstanding, your question makes much more sense now - I think the concern is not the bathing so much as the changes you are seeing now you are separated. I am right there with you too, and it can definitely be unsettling to see these weird changes in bahavior in your children as their other life with their other parent starts inevitably bleeding into yours.

If they were bathing separate before, I think you should continue to separate them for bath at your house. What they do when with their mother is her call, but if they start expressing inappropriate treatment or red flags of neglect or irresponsible parenting than you will naturally do what you have to do to protect them.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> *My son is fearless* and loves the water but my daughter doesn't like it on her face so you have to be very careful when washing her hair. I am very active in my kids lives that is why I want them. Also my wife has checked out and is living the single life. *While my kids were bathing together she was on her secret phone* with the OM! *Not watching* to be sure they were safe etc.
> 
> I don't have a big issue with them bathing together but we hadn't done it before. *It seems as if the OM is changing my wife to some degree. She even looked into a nudist colony! Seems odd based on our 14 year history.*





I want the kids! said:


> I guess *the biggest issue I have* is the fact that my wife is *hiding all these things* from me because *she thinks I'll get upset.* Seems like she is telling her OM that I am some sort of tyrant or something.
> 
> I really think her mind is off a bit.


A 5 year old & a 2 year old should not be left alone in the tub together regardless of who is on the phone or what they are doing outside of the bathroom. That is far too dangerous - especially if your son is fearless - all he has to do is stand up & slip once for it to be catastrophic.

However your inquiry does beg the question as to whether you were/are more upset about what your wife is doing with the OM. How do you know she was outside of the bathroom on her "secret phone" with the OM while your children were bathing? 

I'm not trying to come down hard on you or even suggest you are not entitled to your emotions & certainly not whether they are right or wrong. 

Is it possible you may be more upset with your wife's "new life" rather than her parenting skills? 

Is it possible you are sub-consciously (or consciously) using the children as means to justify your concerns?

Once a couple has decided to go their separate ways there is a big difference between keeping things private vs. keeping secrets. One suggests personal boundaries (preventing hurt feelings, arguments, etc.). The other suggests devious intent which would not benefit amicable parenting plans. 

This is a very stressful and emotional time - no one would ever fault you for being sensitive or concerned about the best interests of your children and especially their safety. 

Please don't lose sight of your best interests as well. You will lose your mind & stab yourself in the heart each time you allow yourself to worry over things that your wife does apart from the children.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your daughter (being 2 years older) will make it PERFECTLY clear when she no longer wants to bathe with her little brother. That will be the time to end it.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

LaxUF said:


> A 5 year old & a 2 year old should not be left alone in the tub together regardless of who is on the phone or what they are doing outside of the bathroom. That is far too dangerous - especially if your son is fearless - all he has to do is stand up & slip once for it to be catastrophic.
> 
> However your inquiry does beg the question as to whether you were/are more upset about what your wife is doing with the OM. How do you know she was outside of the bathroom on her "secret phone" with the OM while your children were bathing? *I am recording the house while I'm gone and can tell she was in a different room talking. I could hear the kids in the back ground.*
> 
> ...


Sorry about the bold answers I'm not trying to yell or anything I just wasn't sure how to answer each point etc any better way. Forum ignorant...


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> Sorry about the bold answers I'm not trying to yell or anything I just wasn't sure how to answer each point etc any better way. Forum ignorant...


No worries, I bolded too so you would see the comments I was referencing. 

I totally understand your desire & need to know your children are ok. Yes, of course there is an "ick" factor associated with any OM (CList or not). She is concerned you would be upset and she is correct. You are trying to obtain full custody of her children so it isn't surprising she doesn't want to upset you in any way shape or form. (i'm not advocating for her - just showing perspective)

I don't want to get into semantics about whether or not she was outside of the bathroom & that they were indeed in there alone from what you heard on the VAR. Any possibility you could be mistaken? Has she given you any indication that aside from being an unfit wife that she is an unfit mother? 

Did your attorney advise you to plant the VAR? Did he/she tell you that any conversations that are recorded outside your presence would be legal or admissible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

unfit mother example. Maybe this is just me but I'll type what happened today and you be the judge.
My son has been sick, sick enough that W took him to the doc. Now he is better not 100% but pretty good. Well my daughter has started to cough etc and last night she was warm. I didn't get the thermometer out just went with my forhead kiss test. Well I get her up this morning to get ready for school and she seems hot. Just has shorts and a tank top on so it can't be from to much clothes. I get the thermometer and she pops 101.5. So I ask my wife if she thinks she should stay home. The first thing out of my wifes mouth was "my day is screwed" So I go back and give my daughter some medicine and she say she is hungry. I make her a snack of apple slices and tell her to go back to bed. I go to work and as I sit down my W calls. She wanted to be sure I called the school, actually I went to the school to drop off raffle tickets and get more and told the teachers she wouldn't be in. Then my W goes on telling me she is fine now and a doctor wouldn't consider 101.5 bad. Like it is my fault she stayed home. I asked her opinion so I wouldn't get in trouble. So I go home at lunch and the house wasn't locked, I go in and no one is home. She left the house open by accident, I let that go because that can happen, I didn't even mention it later either. so I eat a bit and check the recorder/replant it. Get home after work, ask what W had in mind for supper? Nothing planned at all and she is planning to go out to comfort her friend Deb, This is the same woman she says she is going out with all the time. I also know Deb is in on some of the secrets. My W has sent her pics of the OM (nude). So I ask what she did today. The thing she was pissed about screwing up in the morning she didn't do but she did take the kids to the park and the mall again and the OM was there.

In my mind, she is thinking of herself and not the kids. My daughter was 101.5 and then magically ok enough to go to the park and play with OM.

Then tonight my daughter didn't want to eat because everthing tasted bad to her, her throat is messed up. She can't stop coughing. I have given her medicine and cough drops etc. I keep telling her she has to wait to get more etc but she just wants the coughing to stop. She is so tired that she passes out for about 10 min. and then wakes up coughing and crying for me to come and of course I do.

So what do you think, Mother of the year right.

As for the var, my lawyer thinks it is legal for me to record my house. He didn't tell me to do it but I am trying everything I can to get evidence against my wife. As I type that it makes my heart hurt. Sceeming against the woman that was to be with me for all time is very hard. But I want the kids!


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> So I am going thru divorce and recording what goes on at home when I'm not there. Found out my wife let the kids bath together. Do you think that is OK?
> 
> Kids are 3 (boy) and 5 (girl).
> 
> At what age do you seperate them?




i guess it depends on what age you make it wrong and dirty for them to do something that to them is normal . what do you think is wrong with them bathing together ? why do you think it is wrong for them to bath together ? have you ever gotten a shower with someone else ? man or woman ? if so was there something wrong with it ? 

i played sports my whole life and have taken showers with hundreds if not thousands of guys . is that wrong ? dirty ? bad ? i have also regularly shower together with my wife . is that wrong ? dirty ? bad ?

our children learn what we teach them . it is your decision what you are going to teach them . will you teach them that it is wrong to bath with each other . or will you teach them that bathing together is just that bathing together .


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