# Should I be trusting her with this? Am I out of line?



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Quick background: my wife had an EA with a friend of ours, she came clean a month ago, no contact with the guy, going through the normal feeling of hurt, love, forgiveness.

This morning I see an email, left open on the desktop, that she had sent to a friend of ours (another guy friend) telling him that we were having problems and that she would eventually tell him what it was all about. The emails that went back and forth were just a little too "i need a shoulder to cry on" for me to be comfortable. i confronted her and we had a fight.

I hate feeling this way that I can't trust her anymore. Should I just buck up and stop worrying?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

She broke your trust; it's perfectly reasonable that you wouldn't trust her. 

Even without an affair, I find it odd that she wants to talk to a male friend about relationship troubles between the two of you. When my boyfriend and I have issues, I prefer to talk to him, but if I can't for some reason, I wouldn't want to go to another man. I would feel that discussing things like that with another man are too close to doing something wrong. Discussing it with a female friend would be more acceptable, although even then...I hate to do that, as it gives friends ammo when times get tough to try to talk you out of the relationship...hence the reason I wouldn't talk to a male friend. If he develops a crush on me, I gave him ammo to try to get me out of my relationship. 

There will come a point at which you will either have to trust her again or give up and move on. That point is not now. Right now, she needs to give you access to her email, phone, anything and everything. She has to prove to you that she can be trusted. You get trust freely given once; once you destroy that trust, it's up to you to fix it. You gave her your trust freely, she destroyed it, now she has to fix it. 

She got mad when you confronted her for one of two reasons, that I can see: either she was doing something wrong (heading towards another affair maybe?) or she realized even before you found out that she'd done something she shouldn't have and that although it was innocent it didn't look innocent and she felt guilty.

Are you guys in counseling? If you're not, you should really consider it. Counseling does amazing things for marriages. It can not only help you regain your trust in her, it can help both of you figure out why she might have done this to begin with and prevent it from happening again in the future. 

It'll take time to get the trust back. One month is not enough time. Don't panic yet.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You have every right to be worried. She broke your trust and she is doing very little to regain your trust. She was out of line for those e-mails considering what she had previously done.


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

tj71,

You should not "buck up" at all. You should keep your eyes open and believe what they tell you. I find it interesting that she seems to need to have a *man's* shoulder to cry on. I would wager that she craves attention. I am not saying that you do not give her the attention that the average woman would be happy with. I just think that perhaps she just craves the attention of more than one man. 

My advice would be to keep monitoring the situation and stand your ground. I mean, a month after an EA is far too soon for her to come at you with any righteous indignation. Good luck and stay strong.


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I do think that she obviously needs to understand that she killed the trust, that she has to earn it back, that it doesn't happen overnight, and that it is normal. That this is her fault and not yours. 

Also, I think that it is very unwise for any married person to have one-on-one relationships with members of the opposite sex. I understand, growing up most of my close friends were women. I know many women prefer guy friends. But I do not think that a married person should ever be in a one-on-one situation with a member of the opposite sex. 

I have long held that view. Even if I am counselling a woman in my ministry, I make sure that I bring my wife along. She may sit off so that there is some privacy, but she is present. Now I never held my wife to that same standard and it led to her having two long term affairs on me over the course of 3 years. I was completely ignorant of it until this all came out. 

Now that we have walked through that and healed my wife also now adheres (willingly) to my rules, understanding the value of them. Do not give Satan a door, do not allow for others to have reason to talk or gossip (even if nothing happened). Do not play around with it.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hold the line. 

Your wife is following a script, she will blame you, slight you and lie, lie and lie.

Do yourself a favour and load a key logger on the desktop. She may have hidden accounts you are not aware of.

Be firm but loving, always tell her you love her. Once you are certain the affair or new contact is over go together for counselling.


----------



## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

Amen on the key logger, the sooner the better.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If, after his release from prison for bank robbery, Frank James was caught with the floorplans of a bank in his pocket, he could hardly accuse the authorities of being overly suspicious. She traded your trust and her presumption of innocence for some cheap thrills with another guy and apparently has learned nothing from the experience.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She should not be "confiding" in any man other then a qualified MC or IC. All she was doing was changing horses. Husbands should not complain to a woman about their wife or vice versa. The only thing that should be said by the OP in that situation is. "Have you spoken to your husband/wife about that?".


----------



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So some new developments have happened with my wife and I.

The other day I discovered she had changed one of her email passwords. Then she told me that she sent a FB message to the OM wishing him well. Strangely enough, this did not bother me and I did not make a scene and it cause no fighting. In fact, I almost want her to do it to give me a reason to be mad or leave.

Strange feelings going on inside of me right now. Is this right? Either way, I feel totally freed from the obsessive and jealous thoughts that once took a hold on me. It's nice.


----------

