# How to cope with the infidelity of my wife



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

First of all, I would like to state that I posted this text in another forum but didn't get the help I wanted. Most people uses my thread to make funny of my situation or to write useless responses.
I am sorry if this goes against the forum rules but I really can't go on to reword my story as I'm really suffocating by the pain.

I'm 28 years old.
I've been married for 3 years, my wife and I knew each other for about seven years. We met on the internet and were casual pen friends. Four years ago, by a strike of luck, she found a job near me. She's american and I'm from a different part of the world. We started dating, and everything went alright.
The only problem with her is that she's very insecure. She actually told me that she suffered from this issue her whole life. She would be very sad if I ever dropped a hint that I didn't like something she did and sometimes, when I get annoyed by her questions (do you really like this thing about me), she can burst into tears and I would have to spend hours telling her about the things I love about her.
It didn't really bother me. Sometimes, I can be very tired from work and I would not be in the mood for a comforting session but I had a someone in my life with a similar issue and I understood that even though it's hard for me to reassure her, it's harder for her to be assured.

For three years, we were happily married, both young and comfortable in our jobs. Weeks ago, she started behaving strangely. She would spend her days off laying in bed.
I don't know if this detail stupid but since we moved in together she always would rub her feet against mine. Not every night, but usually. And sometimes I would touch her feet with mine and she would go on rubbing. But it no longer worked. Sex was suddenly out of the question, she would sleep turning her back to me, and she would jerk her foot away if I ever touch her.

Always depressed, always tired. At first, I thought she had troubles with her job or health. I even thought she might be pregnant. I have to admit that the idea of her cheating on me crossed my mind, but I never got some suspicion, like a stranger call or text for example.
Life started to get very suffocating and annoying with her mood so I confronted her and asked if there's anything wrong with us, or if she wanted a break or something and she kept fleeing the argument. But she always did.
At the same time, a couple of our friends were acting weird around me. They called at the last minute for my saturday hang out to cancel. They were always logged off on facebook and I know they were online.

Anyway, few days back she confessed that she had a "fling" with someone from her work. Also, american, I don't think it's relevant, but she kept telling me that he'll go back to the US soon and that we'll get through it. But I'm not sure.

She told me that it was a stupid mistake, that she hated it and that she suffered for weeks, but I'm also not sure.

I never thought that being cheated on would hurt this bad. And now I can't be around other people. I can't help but feel very humiliated and emasculated.
In our culture, we are very uptight about the persona of a man.
Very humiliating to be impotent or sterile, and even worse if you turn to be a cuckold. I'm open minded but still the thought of my wife with another man makes me sick to my guts.
And I'm asking a lot of questions. Is he the first one? Is he better than me in bed? All kinds of questions and thoughts that a male's ego would riot on.

I got very mad and left her. I went to live with my parent until I figure out what to do. We tried to discuss it but it's very soon. We will end up fighting, or her crying and me going crazy all over the place. She keeps saying that I should listen to my heart and not the rambles of a brainwashed society, but my heart's is out of service right now.
We don't have kids, so it would be easier for us to break up but it isn't easy. I'm angry at her, but I know deep down that I love her. And I can't help but think it's unfair for her to use my feelings as leverage.
She keeps telling me that she suffered enough and to find it in my heart to forgive her, but I'm so angry with her that hearing these things only makes me say aweful things back at her.

I really never asked for this. To be put in this position. And now a decision is forced upon me. Should I accept to be a cuckold and take her back, or should I supress my feelings for her and leave her. I am also mad at her for making me feel like a victim. I really despise this feeling and I resent it.

So, what should I do? Are there members that have been through what I am experiencing right now ? Should I stay with her ? Leave her temporarily?
Divorce in our country is pretty easy for men, so that shouldn't be a problem but I really have to be sure that's what I want.
And most of all, how can I make the pain go away. I don't want to get back at her or anything, I just want to find the right decision.

*Additional details:* I think I'm leaning towards leaving her. A few hours ago, I was invited to have dinner at some friends' (some of the ones that I suspect they already knew) thinking that it's their way to apologize only to find that it was a set up to meet with her. I felt as if being in an intervention and felt even more humiliated.
It's just that I really loved her and that we had a very long history together. She was my first everything.

I don't have the energy anymore to be her lover/husband/shoulder/shrink and I should I deserve something better.

I started talking with this nice girl on the internet who'd been in a similar situation. Still I can't help but feel very guilty. We're not cyber sexing or anything, but I feel guilty about accepting her affection and her being nice to me.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Did you confront the'friends' who might have known of this?

Ask them for any details of the affair that your wife did not supply. 

I would also say to them: if you are my friend why wouldn't you tell me. A real friend wouldn't do that.

You need much more information about what happened.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Did you confront the'friends' who might have known of this?
> 
> Ask them for any details of the affair that your wife did not supply.
> 
> ...


I've got all the information I need, I'm not interested in knowing what they did together.

I have to admit that I am really disappointed by my friends, also. I explicitly told them to not invite her, so technically they lied when they brought her. They deceived me once again. I think that they understood, I am serious about the break though. 

I made such a scene, that they saw where I stand in this whole thing. They called afterwards but I'm not feeling like talking to them.

I didn't tell them about the real friend would have said something thing because I already saw it in their eyes and I am not the emotionally agressive type. I didn't feel the need to rub it in their faces, anymore. 
Maybe in whatever effed up logic they have, they thought of making it up to me by setting me up with her in this dinner. Which is pretty stupid, I have to admit. I was the one who left her, so I can go back at her at any time.

I can't get over the disappointement and the hurt though. And I really don't want to talk with her anymore because she's just making things worse by not understanding my point of view of things.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How did she "suffer" enough exactly?!?

What a selfish thing to say.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> How did she "suffer" enough exactly?!?
> 
> What a selfish thing to say.


The selfish suffer is a long story.
In short, she feels entitled to some recognition for all the hurt she's been through after the affair. And for the pain and the guilt that made her come clean to me.

It really gets on my nerves that she's not faking her misunderstanding. She really thinks that we're both in the same plate right now. Her for being confused and tortured by her consciousness and me for being a cuckold.

I really don't want her to suffer or to get even or whatever. The first few days, I really thought about doing something really nasty to get back at her but I really don't want it anymore. And I don't hold grudges. But I still hurt as hell, and it kills me that she would never be able to understand me and therefore make me forgive her. 

We never had a similar fight before, and I surely never went this mad. Usually, I always suck it up but not this time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What she has/is suffering is a tiny trifle of what you are suffering


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

It seems that you have all of the info you need to divorce.

Personnaly I need as much as possible when making such a big decision. 

As to the friends, if they knew about the affair and felt more loyalty to her than to you, I'd cut them out of my life.

Undrstand, this is what I'd do.

You do whatever you think you must.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you even verify the story? Maybe she is back because the American did not work out? You would be lucky if you even got 10% of the true story. It is called trickle truthing. She cheated, but the details are more important(not the explicit details ) if you consider getting back with her


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Spunoh
> The only problem with her is that she's very insecure. She actually told me that she suffered from this issue her whole life. She would be very sad if I ever dropped a hint that I didn't like something she did and sometimes, when I get annoyed by her questions (do you really like this thing about me), she can burst into tears and I would have to spend hours telling her about the things I love about her.


*One of the main reasons that she betrayed you has been identified in your post above*. She has had this issue her whole life and now after the adultery it is worse. This does not get better with just time in fact it will probably get worse. Outside help is a must as some improve enough with therapy to not repeat but some do not.

*I would suggest that you handle this situation with proven results and facts rather than emotions.* Of course you love your wife but that has not kept her from betraying you. One of her problems is in her and you maybe can help when you get better from your hurt but you are not the whole answer. Your love alone is not going to fix her.

With some outside help she is going to have to get stronger and improve her issue by her determination and actions. *Actions always speak louder than words and are much more reliable.[/*COLOR]


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I copied the passage at the end of my post from one of Chapparal's posts.

If, in a day or two you feel up to it, and you feel there may be a chance of R then maybe you could print it out and show it to her and tell her that this is what to do to even start making it right.

One thing bothers me, you state in one of your sentences that, "she kept telling me that he will go back to the US soon and we will get over it" WTF, is this WS speech for "oh no my exciting new man is leaving, what do I do now? Oh I know! I'll get my husband to take me back by turning on the water works."
Are you sure that this is a completely spontaneous confession? Has her hand been forced by friends or the OMW?

Does this woman even realise what she has done? She has let some other man hump her behind your back and now SHE is suffering! Unbelievable!
The affair may be over but I think she is still somewhat in the affair fog in her head.
If you decide to let her try and reconcile with you then there are several things she needs to do.

The passage below lists most of them. Ask for advice if you are unsure of how to implement them. Her refusing any of the points below or continuing to put her 'hurt' above yours is a deal breaker.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You have been married for just 3 years and she has already been unfaithful.

She does not appear to be accepting the consequences.

There are no children.

Leave her while you can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

To help me understand where you are coming from, which country are you in?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

jnj express said:


> What she has/is suffering is a tiny trifle of what you are suffering


It hurts even more that she's not able to understand that. She's suffering for a decision she made, I suffer for something I didn't do.
I don't like feeling like a victime though, so I guess that dealing with her attitude will show me what I have in the guts, yet I can't help but I'm turning more bitter by the second.



Malaise said:


> It seems that you have all of the info you need to divorce.
> 
> Personnaly I need as much as possible when making such a big decision.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I have the big lines about the affair. How they met, where they did it. Officially, she said it was one time and she felt s**t since. But I can't help but assume her dishonesty.

Anyway, I think my friends effed up as much as she did. I called them this morning and made sure they understand that I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.




warlock07 said:


> Did you even verify the story? Maybe she is back because the American did not work out? You would be lucky if you even got 10% of the true story. It is called trickle truthing. She cheated, but the details are more important(not the explicit details ) if you consider getting back with her


I didn't need to because I didn't want to run the risk to be lied to and mostly because I really dislike hearing about how my wife had another guy's hood in her.

I guess that I would've asked for the details if I considered going back with her, as you said, but I think I'm almost convinced that I need to divorce her. I'm still inside the anger fog, but I feel it deep down in me.

And you're right about the 10 per cent of the true story. Even, herself isn't sure how it led to what. And you're also right about not working out with the American, my guess is that she disliked that he didn't spend the next few hours afterwards telling her how much it was the best thing ever happened to anyone in the history of the universe.



Mr Blunt said:


> *One of the main reasons that she betrayed you has been identified in your post above*. She has had this issue her whole life and now after the adultery it is worse. This does not get better with just time in fact it will probably get worse. Outside help is a must as some improve enough with therapy to not repeat but some do not.
> 
> *I would suggest that you handle this situation with proven results and facts rather than emotions.* Of course you love your wife but that has not kept her from betraying you. One of her problems is in her and you maybe can help when you get better from your hurt but you are not the whole answer. Your love alone is not going to fix her.
> 
> With some outside help she is going to have to get stronger and improve her issue by her determination and actions. *Actions always speak louder than words and are much more reliable.[/*COLOR]




You nailed something in there. I really feel naive to have believed that all my love and efforts would put me in a pedestal for her. Why would you hurt the only one that makes you feel happy ? It doesn't make sense.

And I never thought that her issues will lead her to adultery. I mean she could've picked an emotional affair. Not that it would've been better, but it doesn't make sense at all that she accepted to go all the way with a stranger she barely met when she always gives me s**t whenever she catch me staring at another woman. Be it even an ad poster.

A proven fact is that I'm pretty sure she's mostly afraid to lose her only fan, an endless supply of ego stroke. And that pisses me off even more.

You're right. Love isn't a miracle solution and sometimes it's not enough.

A lot of people I know were always telling me that I'm doing too much and that she's taking advantage of me. I don't know if I how will I face their pitiful I told you soo looks.



Chris989 said:


> You have been married for just 3 years and she has already been unfaithful.
> 
> She does not appear to be accepting the consequences.
> 
> ...


Easy to say. I'm pretty sure I don't want her to bear my children anymore. I don't want to run the risk of having a household of insecure and self destructive people.



MattMatt said:


> To help me understand where you are coming from, which country are you in?


We took our vows and signed the contract in Tunisia. And basically, you can cancel the wedding if you're a man and you were cheated on by your wife. Not the most progressive legislature on the planet, I admit, but in my case it will really be helpful.



WyshIknew said:


> I copied the passage at the end of my post from one of Chapparal's posts.
> ...


Thanks so much for the excerpt. The few lines I've read made me realize a couple of things. I'm not keen on taking her back right now, but it would be helpful if we ever decided to remain friends or something.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> you better off without her. remember that culture and marriage is one. in your culture is a big thing for cheater, and reputation is important even for your kids.


I guess you're right. I never cared too much about things like reputation and perception up until now. I must say that it's something that creeps up on you. I'm barely controling the humiliation.




delhiprincess said:


> also she might need to test for STD and make sure she is not pregnant from the other man


I sure do hope she didn't screw up her health with this stupid mistake. 
If she gets knocked up by the guy, I guess that would even ease the decision for me. I'd rather she doesn't, though.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> so does your family and people at your home country know about it?
> the friends you are talking about are theyf rom the same country as you?


Yes, I'm leaving with my mother and her husband right now. Her husband knows, but my mother suffers from some mental issues and isn't able to comunicate well. It's probably for the better, since she always thought highly of Grace.

As for my friends, yes they are from my country as well. Although we have also American friends and others from other countries, they're implicated so much in this affair.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*One thing bothers me, you state in one of your sentences that, "she kept telling me that he will go back to the US soon and we will get over it" WTF,*


WTF she actually said that?:scratchhead: Please say it aint so


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> *One thing bothers me, you state in one of your sentences that, "she kept telling me that he will go back to the US soon and we will get over it" WTF,*
> 
> 
> WTF she actually said that?:scratchhead: Please say it aint so


She did and when I told her if she meant that she would've stayed with him if he remained here, she replied that I was twisting her words.
Basically, in her logic, she means that he's going back to the US and that I shouldn't feel "threatened" anymore.

I don't really know this guy too much, except that he's much older then we are. He's divorced, I think, I don't remember very well.
We met once when I went to give her a ride home from her work and I never saw it coming.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tunisia? Very traditional country.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation my wife and I were able to reconcile, but it was not easy.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> She did and when I told her if she meant that she would've stayed with him if he remained here, she replied that I was twisting her words.
> Basically, in her logic, she means that he's going back to the US and that I shouldn't feel "threatened" anymore.
> 
> I don't really know this guy too much, except that he's much older then we are. He's divorced, I think, I don't remember very well.
> We met once when I went to give her a ride home from her work and I never saw it coming.


Your was not twisting her word.. I makes sense now..OM was
some fun on the side.And she probably made the mistake thinking you would be relived.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Your was not twisting her word.. I makes sense now..OM was
> some fun on the side.And she probably made the mistake thinking you would be relived.


It really hit me after our second conversation after the seperation. I married an immature mentally teenage woman.
I also think that if he said the right things to her, she would've remained with him. 

I'm afraid I won't get any closure on this whole thing.



MattMatt said:


> Tunisia? Very traditional country.
> 
> I have been in a somewhat similar situation my wife and I were able to reconcile, but it was not easy.


Very traditional country, indeed. Where we live is a bit occident oriented mentality, but still.
I'm starting procedures tomorrow. I can't believe that under the motive of divorce they will write down Spouse infidelity. It's like a medal for sucking as a sexual partner.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Spunoh said:


> I can't believe that under the motive of divorce they will write down Spouse infidelity. It's like a medal for sucking as a sexual partner.


Not at all. It's a medal to the cheating spouse for either selfishness or an immature approach to relationships.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs to be divorced by you, the OM needs to be exposed to his wife/gf.

Your wife hasn't any remorse. None. She actually thinks you should feel sad for her loosing her AP. Really? Really! that says all you need to know - she deserves to be put out into the street.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She needs to be divorced by you, the OM needs to be exposed to his wife/gf.
> 
> Your wife hasn't any remorse. None. She actually thinks you should feel sad for her loosing her AP. Really? Really! that says all you need to know - she deserves to be put out into the street.


I don't know about her wanting me to feel sad about losing her "partner". What I understood is that, not only she's over it but he'll be away.
I wished she could prove to me that she won't do it again with another person. She told me it was over again and again, but I have no tangible proof that she won't slip again.




Wazza said:


> Not at all. It's a medal to the cheating spouse for either selfishness or an immature approach to relationships.


I need time to convince myself about that.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Spunoh said:


> I don't know about her wanting me to feel sad about losing her "partner". What I understood is that, not only she's over it but he'll be away.
> I wished she could prove to me that she won't do it again with another person. She told me it was over again and again, but I have no tangible proof that she won't slip again.
> 
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, you can not predict how she will react if faced with the same opportunity in the future. That is why, for me at least, a physical affair is the end of a marriage. No questions asked and no second chances. Too much of a gamble to invest more of your life on the CHANCE that she might not do the same thing again.

You are making the right choice to get out now.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Unfortunately, you can not predict how she will react if faced with the same opportunity in the future. That is why, for me at least, a physical affair is the end of a marriage. No questions asked and no second chances. Too much of a gamble to invest more of your life on the CHANCE that she might not do the same thing again.
> 
> You are making the right choice to get out now.


Thank you.

Yes, the biggest push towards my decision to divorce her is that I don't trust her her judgement. So how can I remain with her.

And a physical affair is really a low blow to someone's ego, especially when you consider yourself lucky to be the only worthy of her intimacy. And then, when she cheats on you, you feel naïve and dumb.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Spunoh, just to add a little detail, i think you need some new friends. Nobody had the guts to tell you and they set you up with a meeting with her.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Spunoh, just to add a little detail, i think you need some new friends. Nobody had the guts to tell you and they set you up with a meeting with her.


I share the same point of view.
I really don't know how they found out. My guess is that she told one of them, and she told the other.
Over the phone, the friend I had told me that she was really afraid to be the one who'd ruin my household. But, whatever.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> she was really afraid to be the one who'd ruin my household


Vain words... Words are so easy. If words actually meant something then the world would be full of really good people. I evaluate people for what they do, instead of what they say. Much more reliable.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I agree.
It's only because I'm hurt more from my wife that I'm not focusing on my friends.

Over the dinner, they said briefly that they were hoping she would end up the affair herself, come clean so I can forgive her because I love her so much. And that they wouldn't want to cause our marriage to fail. But 
A- They clearly don't know me.
B- It's not their call to withhold this kind of information.
I'm not going to be friends with them anymore. It's not that I hold grudges, but I rarely get over disappointments of this caliber.

There's something that I'm starting to obcess about.
When I last met with my wife, I lied to her about having sex with someone so she could leave me alone. I feel s****y about doing that.
Should I tell her that it wasn't true ? If yes, when ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Spunoh said:


> I agree.
> It's only because I'm hurt more from my wife that I'm not focusing on my friends.
> 
> Over the dinner, they said briefly that they were hoping she would end up the affair herself, come clean so I can forgive her because I love her so much. And that they wouldn't want to cause our marriage to fail. But
> ...


Tell her NOW. Say you only did it to show her a little bit of how bad you felt.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Tell her NOW. Say you only did it to show her a little bit of how bad you felt.


It wasn't about getting back at her, although maybe I did unconsciously.

I really don't want her to read anything into it, like a chance of getting back but I guess I should man up and deal honestly with the issue.
I'm writing her a text right now. I'm telling her that it wasn't true, and that I'm divorcing her.
I really hate dealing with the authorities. Very third world like.


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