# Waiting in hope- still deluded



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Some of you may know my story, other not. My husband of 2 years and partner of 14 left me 3 months ago. He was having an emotional affair with an ex work colleague, this has almost certainly now become physical. Our relationship was stressed by a recent move away from our family and friends and my working horrendous hours and being incredibly stressed (i have now totally burnout) over past 18months. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/29592-just-not-able-let-go-move.html

When he finished with me and left i don't think he thought i would care. He thought he was in the way and that i loved my job and wanted to work that hard. 

I have now had a total epiphany and have chosen to give up that career path and move in to a field of medicine with no 24hour on call, which is less stressful and traumatic. 
I have decided i no longer wish to be away from my family. 
Currently i have been in plymouth staying with my family off sick. But now I have secured a 4 months secondment at a local hospital. So i have decided to move back in to my old house down here. 

Next week i am just going to pack up our rented house in leicester and move back to our old house (previously we were renting it out) in plymouth where we are both from and all our family and friends are. Husband is currently in the house minding the cat (he moved back in when i went home sick)
I rang him on monday to say i was clearing out the house. He wasn't shocked but it did seem to knock the wind out of him a bit. 

I am sure that the external stressors were a significant contributing factor to our break up. And i think this OW is a symptom. He seems to have gone to find attention elsewhere and is infatuated. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he is not coming back. 
The thing is my gut tells me he will want me back in a few months. I am sure he will regret this decision. But now i have moved home (initially for 4 months but hopefully forever, job dependant) i am worried that this will prevent us getting back together


The thing is i asked hm via text 'hypotherically if you changed you mind in the future and wanted me back would me being down here make a difference' he said 'I doubt it would make any difference'

He really loves his new job in nottingham and he has recently been promoted and has had new life breathed into him, but otherwise he only has his brother and 3 friends up there with him. All his best mates and family are down here. His family are shocked that he will not consider moving back. He says he is staying cos he likes it up there. The OW is 2 hours away in northampton so not close. 

So i am now questioning whether me being down here will prevent reconciliation. I simply cannot go back up there on my own to that terrible job, my mental health will not allow it. I am making this move and career change for me. But my career buggered up the marriage and now it may ****** up the reconciliation. 

Its all such a frigging mess. Keep thinking he will turn up on the doorstep at xmas when he comes back. I feel so silly clinging on to hope like this but my heart tells me we should be together and try and work on it. 

My weakness at wanting him back appals me but i just cannot help it. 

Advice or opinions please.
Will his fog clear, would he give it all up again to come after me, how do i remove this hope reconciliation.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

i cant offer many useful experiences or opinions but wanted to say congrats on the job and in making the decisions for you and no one else


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I think hope is the hardest thing to kill or get rid of. You have moved forward, and that's good. Concentrate on that and keep putting one foot in front of the other to go forward. I'm where you are: hoping desperately he'll see 'the light' and realize what he's lost. But he isn't going to, and I have no control over that. I do have control over me.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

There are many of us in the same boat, myself included. I want so badly for my wife to wake up and see the destruction that has been caused. I have come to the point where I know that God is the only one that can change her course if He chooses to. I can't say that she won't, WomanScorned, but I will say that she won't ON HER OWN. It's going to take some divine intervention. 

As far as the hope, Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life". I believe this is an accurate assessment of my current state. I can't say that I'm physically or really emotionally sick. I am still hopeful, though. And as long as I still have that hope, I don't know if I can truly move on. I have let go knowing that it is in God's hands. 

Stay encouraged and keep doing what you can to move forward. You are not by yourself.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Spoke to my husband twice this week ( i know its mental). I am extremely stressed about going up to pack up the house and move this weekend. I am arguing with my parents and generally very stressed. 

My husband has opened up a little bit more about what happened. He said that i was very controlling of the things in our life, not his so much but due to my work induced stress i was difficult to live with and that stress exacerabated my controlling behaviour patterns. 
He does not think i will be able to change (even though i am changing my career, on medication and getting counselling!). He does not want to go through all the pain and hurt again, he is worried i will getted stressed and unhappy again.
He also said he feels he did not love me enough for a wife. That he should have loved me more. He said he knows he did not give me compliments or tell me he loved me enough. He thinks he did not love me enough and that he could love some one else more. He did say that a year ago he did love me and was in love and wanted to be married. But that his feelings are different now and he feels sorry and guilty. He feels our marrige would be under too much pressure to make it work if we tried again. 
He said he feels he could never love me again the way he should. 

Could this still be the fog of the affair talking or is it really the end. Please help. Should i accept its over?


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I've recently gone through a similar thing with my wife of five years. I was totally blindsided, was crushed, still am in many ways, and have had the worst month of my life, crying uncontrollably, throwing up every day through stress and heartache, extreme levels of rage brought on by her attitude, which is one of "couldn't care less", and I just had enough of it. 

The sort of process I went through mentally went from devastation, disbelief, believing she would come back, wanting her back but not quite believing it, reading every little thing into every little thing she would say or do, putting myself through the ringer again and again and again....

And then you, or at least I, realised that there comes a point where no matter how much you love, or think you love, someone, that simply cannot keep doing to you what they are doing. They cannot have that power over you anymore, which is usually a twisted version of what you feel for them but used to control and belittle you with. 

I deserve better. You deserve better. 

I've read your story, and I have to say you sound like a remarkable woman. Loving, caring, kind, generous, open hearted, sensitive and loyal. I can't think of any decent and truly loving man who would not spend his days cherishing those qualities and being thankfull of having someone like you in his life. 

Your ex, clearly, is not that kind of man. If I may speak frankly, he sounds like a total **** and you are well shot of him. 

You need to understand, for the sake of your own sanity that it is well and truly over. Let him go. I know how hard it is, but I've done it myself recently. I just thought:

_"I'm not putting up with this abuse and emotional torture for one second longer. You are no longer my problem, your emotional baggage is no longer my problem, I have done my best for you in every way I can and you have chosen to betray and destroy everything I ever felt about you and trusted in you. 

I now choose to leave you to face the consequences of your life without my emotional or financial support to back you up with when it all goes horribly wrong for you. Good luck, good bye, **** you. "_

Accept it's over for your own sake. You'll feel awful for a few days, but really having that desicion sink in takes away some of the pain believe it or not. For me it was like being in a very dark place, which was safe because it protected me from the unknown and I knew where I was in it. But it was still a dark place. 

Coming to terms with the split was like being thrust out of the dark safe place, and out into the open in the middle of a massive thunderstorm, with rain pouring down around you soaking you through, and everything is open and terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. 

But then you start to feel refreshed by the rain, and the smell of the free clean air. It hurts and it's unfamiliar, and you don't quite know what to do with yourself, and you feel shaky and uncertain. 

But you also start to feel alive again, and that maybe the absolute worst of it is behind you a little bit, and you're off your knees, and ......well, you are free. 

The bigger the heart the harder the fall. I'm still in a huge amount of pain, but I'm going to make it. 

And so will you. 

I believe in you, even you don't believe in yourself.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

If i move back to our home, 220 miles away from him to a dead end part of the country. He is not going to want to come after me. 
I am worried that moving back home- to be with my family and friends and moving back into our old (but very lovely) house will be like running away. Trying to get back to my old happy life. 
My house will be a comfort, furniture goes back in, i like it, good location for work, the cat will know where she is. I intend to redecorate and re -accessorize to put my own stamp on it. But is it moving backwards. I want him to come back to me and come back to live in our old house where we were happy. 
I do not cope living away from my family and i feel i am better at home for my mental health. I am just worried it is the final nail in the coffin for reconciliation in the future. 
If he never sees me how can will he ever consider coming back to me. How can we go to counselling to talk it through, how can we 'date' and try to rebuild. 

I don't think i could go back up there to that horrible place and job with no friends or family on the off chance he changes his mind. But i really feel i am doing harm by moving away. 
Does anyone on think he may change his mind and realise the grass was not greener and that he loves me. 
Does anyone think and man would move again to try and work it out?


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