# What advice would you give to BS to prepare for potential divorce/custody battle?



## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

What's your advice for BSes who have discovered or suspect cheating, and want to hatch the best possible plan in case R doesn't come through and want to protect themselves from potential fallout, want to prepare for potential custody battle etc.? 

Thanks for your comments!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Some of the advice I've seen on the forum:

In some cases, you might decide it’s best to pretend with your WS that everything’s great and that you’re happy, while you get your ducks in row (prepare documentation regarding him/her&the kids, prepare finances etc.). In these cases, some advice are not to be applied until you confront. Some advice are useful even if still in limbo/living together with WS.

*Carry a VAR on you at all times when around WS*

This is especially important for BHs, as men they are in bigger danger of being falsely accused of domestic violence by their WS trying to get a temporary restraining order, prejudicing custody issues etc.

*Visit multiple attorneys for a free consultation as soon as possible*

This is beneficial for many reasons. First, you’ll get an idea of what your legal position is. You’ll get a chance to see with which lawyer you “click” the best and trust the most. Also, many lawyers that you visit won’t take your WS as a client due to conflict of interests if you’ve been there for a free consult. Do it in secret so the WS won't know.

*Do not move out of the house until you’ve received a green light from your lawyer*

No matter how hard it is, do not move out of the house until you’ve cleared it with your lawyer. There’s a danger that this could create a legal precedence or even be a basis for your WS to accuse you of abandonment. Of course, the exception is if the situation is physically dangerous for you or the kids, then the situation demands a more detailed advice.

*If you have kids, start documenting immediately*

If you have kids, start preparing for an ugly custody battle immediately! It might happen, or it might not happen, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Start documenting immediately all the bad behaviour of the WS regarding the kids, any drinking, drug,..., issues. Chart the time you spend with the kids and the time WS spends with the kids. Document what the WS does rather than spend time with the kids (he/she goes out partying instead of staying at home with you and the kids). Document things that kids tell you about time with WS that show that WS is not a good influence on the kids. Document any attempts of parental alienation. Document what you do with/for the kids.

Document it both in writing (unless there’s a danger of being discovered by WS) and in electronic form (day-by-day documentation). Have multiple copies (or send the electronic documentation to a friend each day so he/she will have it even if your WS gets access to your email) in a safe location.

For more info on what exactly to document, talk to a lawyer with experience in family law. Also, these links might be useful to some -> Content / Practical Tips and Techniques / Tips On Keeping Documentation - S.P.A.R.C. and Documentation in Child Custody Cases - California Divorce Source .

If any TAM member has an example of how he/she documented, it would be great if he/she posted it!

Use private browsing on the internet/clear internet history, change passwords, be wary of your mail being opened by WS.

It is essential that your WS doesn’t stumble or find what you’re planning on doing. Keep it as secret as possible.

Inform the school of the situation at home and ask them to keep an eye out on the kids

Inform the school, kindergarden,..., about the stressful situation at home. Keep it simple, objective and helpful. Something along the lines of “Dear Mr./Mrs. Teacher/School counsellor, I’m writing to inform you that lately Mr./Mrs. ___ and I have been going through some marital difficulties and there’s a chance that it has somehow affected ____ . So I would like to ask you to keep an eye out for her/him acting out and any issues that you might notice, and please let us know about it in person, the phone (xxx-xxx-xxx-xxx-) or via e-mail, so we can address it at home. If possible, please give her special attention and ensure the stability and safety for her in school in these tough times. Thank you very much for your help!”

Talk to your lawyer about specific wording and how/when to do it etc., whether to send a copy of it to the WS etc.

It will help your kid(s) and it will show to the court that you’ve been paying attention to your kids’ needs etc. It will also hopefully get you some good rep with the teachers etc. if their testimony might be important in a custody battle.

*Take your kids to a counsellor/family-children therapist, at least once*

Kids are very good at picking up signs of trouble, and it might have big detrimental effect on them even if we don’t notice it (yet). Often they internalize it, think it’s their fault etc, and hide their feelings from parents. In any case, it’s better to take them to a good therapist, so she/he can give his opinion on how the child is doing, to give advice to you how to behave around/with them etc.

This might greatly help the kids in coming out of all this as undamaged emotionally as possible. It might also look very good in the eyes of the court that you tried to help kids as much as possible in this way.

If possible, try to include WS in the decision on which therapist to see etc., so as to not appear that you’re unreasonably acting unilateral. Send him/her an email about it, ask him for input etc., stress the importance of it for the kids. If he/she cooperates, great for the kids. If he doesn’t and you have proof of that, you can go ahead and schedule it yourself, and you’ll also have proof that your WS doesn’t have the kids’ best interest at heart or is not taking this seriously enough.

Of course, this might be expensive. But it will be perhaps the best investment you make. Try to set up a payment plan. Try to figure out who is covered by insurance. Try to find out if there’s a subsidized or a pro bono therapy available. If there’s no way for it to be financially available, at least talk to the school counsellor and ask them to schedule regular talks with your kids.

*Keep as much communication as possible in writing, so it will be able to be used as proof in court*

Otherwise, have VAR on you, and if there will be something important said, afterwards type it down literally (using the VAR) so you’ll be able to use that as proof. If you want more proof, afterwards send an email like “Today you said to me/kids xwyz. I think it was extremely hurtful and I would like to ask you to never speak like that again”, or “Today we agreed verbally that you would take the kids to the dentist, please let me know what the dentist will say” (even if he/she doesn’t tell you, you have it in writing that you agreed, and it’s innocuous enough that you’re not asking for a confirmation, so he/she hopefully won’t suspect why you’re doing this.)

Also, take regular screenshots/photos of his/her messages to you, upload them and send them to a friend so you’ll have proof, in case something happens to your phone.

*Stop drinking immediately*

Only bad things can happen if you drink alcohol while you’re upset. While drunk/tipsy, you might do something you regret, something that negatively impacts your custody case, your healing,...

If you continue to have sex with your WS, be careful of STDs

AIDS, HPV, herpes, …, are serious stuff and more widespread than we’d wish. Make sure you use condoms (even though they’re not 100% effective, can come off, break,..., and even when working properly don’t protect you from certain STDs). Insist on both of you or at least WS get a full STD test done (in some cases/for some diseases, you have to wait a certain period since the last risky sexual intercourse before getting tested for the test results to be reliable. I think for AIDS it’s around 6 weeks (from what they told me when I had to get tested due to my cheating ex).
*
If you continue to have sex with WS, be careful of unwanted pregnancies*

One of the last things you want is to further complicate the situation by you/WS getting pregnant. And it’s really not fair to the child to be born into such a mess. So be careful, use extra birth control/protection.

*Before confronting, talk to a lawyer about opening your own bank account and depositing half of the savings there, and other means to protect yourself financially*

Some WS are dangerous in the sense that they’ll clean out the savings’ account, max out the credit cards etc. So before you confront your WS, have a plan in place to protect yourself financially, like the morning on the day of confronting him/her, cancel the credit cards, take half of the savings out of the joint account, file for separation etc.

*Make copies of all important documents and financial information to keep in a safe place (not at the marital home*).

A WS may take all of them, and the BS is left in the dark.

*Another advice, especially for the men:* 

Read No more mr. Nice guy (available online for free in PDF), and read Married men sex life primer. Both are great books that will help you achieve personal growth.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Good list


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks!

Do you perhaps have any suggestions to add? The more, the better!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the first thing to do is determine if infidelity could be a factor in the potential divorce, which will be determined by your jurisdiction. If it might be, what proof is involved, and does it matter if reconciliation is attempted. 

C


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Does she know you know yet?

Strategy would depend a lot on that. If not, you have a tremendous advantage that you don't won't to lose. Get all your ducks in a row before you confront, even if you're not sure whether you will consider R.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks to both of you. Just a clarification: I'm not married, so I started this thread to gather as much advice as possible, so that whenever we get a new BS on this site, we could point him/her to this thread or copy paste from here, instead of starting our replies from scratch.

Sorry for the confusion.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

good list


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> What advice would you give to BS to prepare for potential divorce/custody battle?


To simply let your lawyer handle it.

Doesn't matter who did what. 50% of the marital assets is 50%.

Custody? I suppose you could try to work out 50/50, but if you are the husband, and the wife wants custody, giving you visitation rights, and she gets child support, no sense in fighting it. Some people will say 50/50 is becoming more common, but IMO, that's only because both parties agreed. If the mother wants custody and child support, she'll get it. 

Being a BS doesn't give you a leg up unless there was a prenup, and even then it probably doesn't hold any weight. Being a BS should give one, IMO, preference for custody, but it doesn't, sadly to say.

What kind of specifics were you looking for? I had the best lawyer you could get and he did a great job.

I can tell you that if one spouse wants the house, then the spouse that leaves it is owed 1/2 the equity in it. That can be negotiated out of things like retirement, other accounts, etc. Or it can be sold and the equity split.


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