# The "separation conversation" is this weekend



## StrugglingHubs (Feb 12, 2015)

MY wife of 11 years moved about 3 weeks ago to her parents. IT was a complete and total shock to me. She told me she had been depressed. 2 years prior I caught her emailing a work friend, but she broke it off. This time when she left she said the relationship and gotten physical once, but she knew it was nothing long lasting with this person.

During her time away she says she still misses and loves me. We talk a little at night, and meet on the weekends. She told me though she wants a separation, but she hasn't reached a final decision. I told her we need a direction this weekend, and that talk is coming. She agreed. I made a lot mistakes just being neglectful of her by being in my world, no cheating, just not attentive. 

I don't know if I have a chance. I love her death, what do I say this weekend?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hubs: Do you have any kids? Has there been any question of any infidelity at any time during the course of your married time together? 

If you could please elaborate on that, I think that we may be better able to offer you a more complete answer!*


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Read my thread. (I discovered early Nov) I still struggle about my daughter being in a broken home but otherwise...

BTW. I don't buy the cheated once thing. Im betting shes gone horizontal with some guy at least 3 times since she left.

80% anyway.

Life rocks.
My new place rocks
My friends give new definition to what it means to be a friend.
Ive met some cool new people
My time is MY time.
I bought a stereo and TV and justified it to no one but me.
I just got back from lunch with a pretty woman from similar situation. No romance but normal is awesome and stress free. We can relate.
hell, even my new landlady rocks.


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## StrugglingHubs (Feb 12, 2015)

No Kids... She cheated once recently, but says there is no future with this other man. 

She started therapy for depression.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

So the basis of your staying together is that she sees no future with this other guy?

You're Plan B. She will stay with you until she finds someone better.

Disengage, file for divorce and move on with your life. You may love her, but she doesn't love you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, your wife had a previous (at least) EA and has now had an EA/PA with another (or perhaps the same?) man. She has told you she hasn't decided which of you she'd rather have. And now you're wondering what to say to her so you don't lose her. 

Sorry, man, but you're doing it wrong. 

Your wife is cheating on you. _Again._ She wants a separation so she can cheat on you more easily. You are her fall back position, her Plan B, rather than her first choice. Why don't you believe you deserve better than that from someone who vowed to love, honor and cherish you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The only way R can work is if the cheating party is grossly remorseful and willing to do whatever is necessary to heal the betrayed. From your brief description, your wife does not fit that mold. There is therefore, very little you can do or say that will have any effect. Sadly, her decision is made and demonstrated by her attitude. It is regrettable that you still care deeply for her because I do not feel it is reciprocated.

If however she does want you for security and as a fallback then she may offer to try to R if you follow a strict set of "guidelines" and work hard to win her back. My answer to that would be "have a nice life" but you may feel differently. Remember though, that no matter what you do, if HER heart is not in it then you can be assured that you are being played and used. If she truly wants you she will move heaven and earth and that is the only indicator that R may actually work. Good luck.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

So what your wife is doing right now is making you plan B. If this other guy falls through and breaks it off with her...she will come back to you. She is keeping you on the line while she goes off and screws another man. 

Cut. the. line. NOW.

You have no children - you can find someone better.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> So what your wife is doing right now is making you plan B. If this other guy falls through and breaks it off with her...she will come back to you. She is keeping you on the line while she goes off and screws another man.
> 
> Cut. the. line. NOW.
> 
> You have no children - you can find someone better.


His right hand is better. It costs nothing extra and wont give him a disease.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Sounds extreme yes. But your situation is not good. Her leaving is not a good sign. She can be doing anything while away. I know you want to believe in her but she is only telling you the truth in pieces. That is not a sign of an honest person. 

Start reading up. Your situation is not unique. Many have been through this before and their stories are here. You'll learn a lot by reading. Forget the weekend and start reading and educating yourself here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Best thing you can do is to file and serve her at work.
Do not tell her ahead of time.
No kids find someone better.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you are busy this weekend and have plans that will make her wonder.
See a few lawyers asap and get the ball rolling.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Are you vacillating between wanting to stay with her and wanting to leave? Has she expressed any remorse to you about her actions?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm sorry, Hubs! But the ol' roadmap/flow chart indicates that there is still some rather likely continued cheating activity at hand! My premise?

First off, there are no kids born of this union ~ so there are no problems there!

There has been no remorse to you whatsoever for "the one" bout of cheating that she has admittedly confessed to. Only blameshifting! Using a little bit of psychology and common-sense here, if she was indeed remorseful over her sordid act, she would definitely be begging your forgiveness, damn near every hour on the hour! The only thing that you're probably receiving is summary blamingshifting that you are the sole cause of her decision to go off and dance the infamous "horizontal bop" with whoever God knows who!

Inching forward into her moveout? That is primarily done to effect her hours of coming and going with this same guy, all without your knowledge ~ her mantra is greatly "Out of sight, out of mind!" Or better yet, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him!"

Not wanting to attend MC with you? Largely afraid of being "found out" and embarrassed by the counselor as well as by you!

Barring the presence of any remorse whatsoever, and largely given that she wants a new address without you in tow, it's painfully obvious that someone else is being desires by her to haul her ashes!

My advice? You should procure a copy of Married Man's Sex Life by Athol Kay and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A. Glover, read them thoroughly and immediately execute doing "the 180" on her! 

You have covertly been nothing more than her Plan B and her meal-ticket for sometime now. Painful although it may be, it's time to put that deceptive mule out to pasture! There's a far better world out there that is awaiting you; with a beautiful woman who will love and respect you for the man that you truly are!

Best of luck to you, my friend! So sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have come to a most diverse group of people and advocates who will provide you with their experiential input and let you decide ~ wisely and accordingly!*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tell her about what you did wrong and what you will do better if she ever gets back with you (if that's what she wants).

Other than that, you need to think about boundaries and figure out if your wife is worthy of trusting again.

If it was an effect of your negligence.....I think there might be room for rekindling.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.
By shocking her with d papers may be the only chance you have of "waking" her up because doing the "nice" way almost never works.
You have to give her the impression you are moving on to have a chance at r.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

StrugglingHubs said:


> No Kids... She cheated once recently, but says there is no future with this other man.
> 
> She started therapy for depression.


She cheated 2 years ago AND she cheated recently or she cheated 2 years ago?

Have you examined her phone records to see who she's been in contact with?


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## StrugglingHubs (Feb 12, 2015)

turnera said:


> She cheated 2 years ago AND she cheated recently or she cheated 2 years ago?
> 
> Have you examined her phone records to see who she's been in contact with?


Not exactly the first time was emails only, this last time was cheating - only once. 

I told her to cut off communication with this person and she said she did. She has told me she was suicidal for behaving this way, and is severly depressed because of her actions, but also her homelife. 

As I said she has started therapy for the depression. I'm receiving mixed signals. Sometimes she wants separation, sometimes she has mentioned wanting a 2nd chance, and to fix things but fears I can't change my inattentive ways. 

I guess I'll find out soon where she stands. I've told her if we separate we will not be friends in the future.

Thanks for everyone's input. This hasn't been easy.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why is she saying separation instead of divorce ? What you mean is that if we divorce we will not be friends, surely.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't waste your time. She's probably depressed because om sees her as nothing more than a cheap fvck. That's what she means by "not long term material".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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