# This is a letter i am sending my wife



## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

We have been separated 2 months and your comments would be appreciated.

Hi there

I’m going to have to be very careful how this is worded as it is sensitive but with weeks of coming to terms with everything and trying to find the answer “WHY” I am convinced.

Firstly put aside all the crap that happened that you or I had no control over and have faith that I will resolve it as I have started to do with R & S and will continue to do with others.

OK where do I start:

This email is not necessarily trying to get you back. as I don’t actually know if I want you back as it would depend on a couple of things. MY problem and YOUR problem.!!

I have a drinking problem and I have already mentioned that I would often prefer to have a glass of chardy in my hand than to go to the movies or anything else that involved after 5pm, well maybe sometimes 4pm.

All the issues you had with me apart from pushing your love away stemmed from preferring to having a glass of chard in my hand. This may seem pathetic to you but it is an illness I have. Not a chronic one but still a problem that needs to be solved.

Over the past weeks I have taken on full responsibility for our marriage split and have searched for answers “why you would think that I pushed your love away” I didn’t - I pushed your behavior away as I didn’t know how to deal with it.

The penny has really dropped for me after soul searching WHY, others mentioning it, considering your car accident and the incident as a child, researching symptoms and talking to the counselor I am seeing.

There are many traits that display some sort of disorder and this is very hard to say incase it comes across the wrong way. I am saying this to help whether we go our separate ways or not. I do know we will both need to address both issues if we are to ever have a stable relationship with anyone.

Rachelle, I am totally 100% convinced that you did not have reactive depression and it is common knowledge that depressions or disorder behavior are often over-looked or misdiagnosed – resulting in unnecessary suffering.

Living with an untreated disorder can lead to problems in everything from your career to your relationship to your health. I’m sure you know that there maybe some of this to make you imperfect.!!!!


So back to the stuff that happened which was out of our control, the stress built and with my problem and your problem it got worse to the point that something had to explode……..Our marriage.

The most unfortunate symptom of both problems is denial !!!

I’m going to use a couple of your quotes:

Go with your gut feelings: and you are right as if either of these problems are not fixed we will never work.

Everything happens for a reason: Yes it does and the most sensible reason would be that it is time to fix both problems.

Maybe this could be the first relationship we have both had that both of us can fix the problems, support each other and do what every loving relationship can achieve. This will take some time !!!!

That’s pretty much all I can say honey and as you know I do still love you but it had complications. If you can seriously think of flying back to Fiji and looking me in the eye in front of the divorce judge and saying “I don’t” then chuck this letter in the bin.

But I will always love you


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

She was diagnosed with reactive depression and went off the medication 5 months before we split


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Maybe I'm not the best person to ask as my marriage isn't going well, but I think I can help somewhat.

When you write a letter like this, I believe you should have a clear goal in mind, and stick to it 100%. Also, you need to decide who you are writing the letter for, you (a rant) or her (explanations, clarifications, and some expectations). You are trying to write for both of you at the same time, and it will never achieve anything. 

*"This email is not necessarily trying to get you back. as I don’t actually know if I want you back as it would depend on a couple of things. MY problem and YOUR problem.!!"*

You're arguing in a letter. Don't do that.

What is the goal? From the rest of your letter, it sounds like you want the relationship to work, so say that. You don't have to say "Oh my god I need you and I want you back!" but say what you do want, which is a stable relationship free of both of your main issues. Promise to work on your issue and give some steps that you plan to follow to show you are committed to following through. Let her know that this can't be a one-way street to getting back together, and that it will take both of you working on your own individual issues to make it work again. You have this solid stuff in there, but it's mixed in with bits that won't help at all. 

Read back through your letter, and make it about getting back together with her, solely. Don't remind her of how you are when you are in an argument...a letter is a chance to take the time to write every word perfectly. We never get that time in conversation, so don't make it sound like a conversation. Take out the argumentative parts. Avoid putting "but"s in there right after something positive.

Remove all bits that don't relate to: 
acknowledging your own issue, work you are doing on your own issue, giving your understanding of her issue and how it might be addressed, some expectations (clearly, but not argumentatively stated) for the both of you, the things you look forward to getting in a stable relationship with her.


Here's an example of what to remove:

*That’s pretty much all I can say honey and as you know I do still love you but it had complications. If you can seriously think of flying back to Fiji and looking me in the eye in front of the divorce judge and saying “I don’t” then chuck this letter in the bin.

But I will always love you *

Replace all that with "I will always love you."


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Save the stamp Sir. This letter is the equivalent of marital suicide. By all means continue to journal, but some things are best kept to oneself. 

Please get to the heart of why you drink, get help, and stop it for heaven's sake. For the record Tommy Lasorda was right when he said... drinking is not a disease... cancer is a disease... drinking is a weakness. 

I'm not slamming you GeoffH. We all have weaknesses. I certainly have them too. The problem is that ETOH abuse is extraordinarily destructive. Take up golf or something benign like the rest of us. Please GeoffH, I'm just encouraging you to take ownership and correct it. It's know it's hard, but it's necessary. It's also the best shot you have at restoring your marriage. Best of luck.

LIL


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

GeoffH said:


> ... I don’t actually know if I want you back ...


Are you really considering saying this to your wife?!?

Try this instead:

I am an alcoholic. Like all alcoholics, I cannot help but see everything from my own point of view. For example, every cell in my being is aching for me to tell you "I love you more than life, and I cannot live without you." But that would just be more _me me me_ ... my life, my needs, my pain.

I know that this is my last chance. So, I want to prove to you that I love you enough to start thinking "you" more often than "me". As it is my last chance, I beg you to read it with an open heart.

I wish I had spent as much time thinking about you, as I did indulging in my own illness and self pity. Then I would know you well enough to say the right words. I want so very much to find the right words ... I just hope it is not too late.

I know you have a question. I will try to answer it.

"Do I love you enough to drop the drink?"

I could just say "yes", but it would be empty and hollow. I can tell you this: I intend to try. And if I cannot walk away from liquor for you, I know that I will not be able to walk away for any reason. Not for my job, not for my liver, not for my life. You matter more to me than all those things.

Until today, our marriage has been the story of illness. My struggle with alcohol and your struggle with depression. Why not start again, but this time make a marriage about healing and renewal?

We have seen the worst that life and love have to offer, and somehow we stumbled through. There is strength in each of us ... and strength in our union.

I do not want you to believe me. Please, do not believe me. I want to show you who I am now. I want to win you back. You see, when I lost you, the pain showed me the way to something else. Call it a map, or a compass. I know the way now. Give me your hand, and I will show you.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

Whal...Alex that one made me cry....dohl

Some great reading.

My wife is in denial that she has a problem. But it has become blatantly obvious that she has many symptoms of a Behavour Disorder and i am trying to get her to see that i did not push her love away. I simply did not know how to deal with her mood swings.
It was like walking on eggshells.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

GeoffH said:


> ... My wife is in denial that she has a problem...


I believe you. But you cannot deal with it that way.

Show her that you have the strength to deal with your own problem, and she will find the strength to deal with hers.

When I met my wife, I had many problems. She never told me I had problems. She went about her life with strength, courage, and conviction. It did not take long for her example to show me what I could become. Compared to what she had been through, the little injustices that life had thrown my way were trivial. Once I saw that they were trivial, they melted away.

Everything that I am, I owe to her. And she never had to *tell* me. She just *showed* me.

Good luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The thing at struck me about the letter is that is it not suitable for sending in a spirit of repair.

And it also seems to be defiant in weighing the relative value of the offenses towards each other in your marriage.

Boozing versus depression and which one is worse?

This is not the type of letter I would send.

And I definitely would not like receiving it. 

Why? It offers no insights and is combative.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

GeoffH said:


> i am trying to get her to see that i did not push her love away.


SHE is in denial? Seriously? You have a drinking problem and you did not push her away? You want HER to see HER problem? Her problems led to you drinking?

Dude, sober up. You cannot possibly take one step forward until you accept that no matter what may or may not be going on with your wife, you have no way of knowing--because you drank, you clouded your own judgment-and NOT just while drinking, but the whole mentality behind alcoholism has shaded and colored the way you interpreted EVERYTHING that went on before you and your wife had problems, and even BEFORE you started drinking. See, the drinking was very likely self-medicating for a problem you probably did not know you had, and may still not know. Then the drinking itself became a problem. You gotta stop drinking and heal that before you can figure out what the hell had you turning to drink in the first place, and the one thing we all know is, YOUR WIFE'S BEHAVIOR IS NOT THE REASON YOU DRANK. When you get to this point, you will know you are on the right track. Good luck.


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