# Confused about Broken Engagement



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

*Wise advice please?!?*

Okay, I'm not one to really post things like this for strangers to read, but I feel like I need some input. So here is the deal: My fiance and I are both 25, have been together 5 years, and it has been nothing but wonderful for five years. We don't fight much, we do things together, we have the same profession but work in different towns, many of the same friends, the same ideals and values....we just have a lot in common and have never had any problems in our relationship. We live together and have for 2 years. After college, we moved to a different state (it was kind of a random pick), bought a house 6 months later (which i admit I thought I wanted and pushed it even though he didnt really want to buy a house...and now we both regret doing it so soon), then we got engaged another 4 months later. So here we are, about to set a wedding date, and my fiance comes to me one day and tells me he feels depression and anxious and panicky and has for about a month now. So of course I ask if he knows what is causing this....is it the new job you just started? Do you miss your family because we live so far away? Is it me or the wedding? He tells me he feels like its the wedding....he just can't picture himself having a big wedding and feels like it is not at all "him". He is a wonderfully simple-minded yet intelligent guy which I have always loved about him. However, he says its not just the wedding that is bothering him. Now he is wondering if we just are not compatible enough together to last for the long haul....he is afraid we were raised too different, that the way we go about doing things in life is just too different, and that he just thinks it all feels wrong right now....although he loves me very much. We talked about it for days, and he felt like he just needed some time away to think to himself. So he left for the week, just to go stay at a hotel not far away. I told him I would not call him or bother him this week to give him the time he needs to think things through. But here is my take on it....I don't think that any of the problems he is concerned with are too big to overcome. I am totally okay with maybe selling the house and holding off on a wedding and marriage for a few years...I'm 25, I'm in no rush. I am even okay with not having a big wedding at all one day.....but he doesnt believe this. He thinks if I don't have that dream wedding that all girls picture that I will regret it. But I want him much more than I want any wedding or house. We are not that different....neither of us are very religious and we share political and social views (although our families do not). My concern is that he seems to already have it in his mind that we cannot overcome these issues and will never work out together, even though we love eachother very much and have always had a great relationship!

I don't know how much time away he thinks he might need.....I would do anything to work this out, but I also cannot wait around for months and months on end I don't think....I am just completely torn up about this. I am also concerned that he was so quick to assume that just because we have had a few problems that it will never work out....but maybe he just needs some ME time...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: confused about broken engagement*

the no conflict part of your relationship is actually not a good sign. It means someone wasnt speaking up for a long time. conflict in a relationship is a good sign. but at the first sign of conflict he wants to bolt...not good husband material really. If you do get married, believe that this is how he will handle any conflict. He'll bottle it up and then threaten to leave. discussion doesnt seem to be one of his problem solving strong points, meaning he's not emotionally invested in the relationship. Is there any possibility he's met someone else?


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Hey Blanca....I have thought about the same things you mentioned. The thing is, he did speak up about not wanting to buy the house yet or have a big wedding...I kind of let my parents influence those decisions more than listening to what my fiance was saying to me instead. I realize that was a mistake and should have compromised. But at least I realize that now, and I strongly feel I could fix this in the future, quite easily. 

Also, I am no stupid naive girl, so of course I wondered and asked if this had anything to do with wanting to be with someone else. My fiance ensured me through many tears that this was not at all the case. Besides, our lives are so interconnected that I strongly believe I would know or find out. He is a very honest guy to everybody in his life.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It’s called commitment, the wedding, the house are big steps to commit.

Now your problem is he is not showing commitment. Perhaps he likes being engaged with the thought that some one else may pop up. YES some people are like that.


Why don’t you put off the wedding?

Take the lead on this for your own sake. This is a BIG DEAL for you. Make it clear to him you will not marry or be with someone who’s heart is not fully in the relationship, wedding, house, lifelong relationship, children the whole works.

Separate for a while, get your own space let him have his. No Contact for an agreed period. At the end of this he either makes the full commitment knowing and supporting the marriage route or you and he decide on alternate path. 

There a far too many marriages where the one party fails to tell the other that they are “sort of not in the whole full relationship thing”. Please do not be in one of those unions, engaged or otherwise. 

If he will not marry you then there is no need to be engaged to him, move on and find a someone else. Be with someone who is prepared to be your soul mate. 

Please do look after yourself; this may still work out OK. Keep your emotions under control and think not with your heart but your head. You may think you are young 25, time flies before you know it you will be 35 and the pool of available mates will have dwindled, and he could still be thinking. This could be a wake up call for your Fiancé. 

He must not under any circumstance be forced into a marriage; the suggested route is a sound logical approach that will help make your decision on a future together.


It does sound harsh but I have seen the same scenario happen with many friends, the woman ends up in a partnership type relationship for a undefined period with a forlorn hope of a future together, then wham the arrangement falls apart. The man moves on and say’s he was not really in love with her and thank goodness he did not marry her. 

Don’t be in one of those situations. Clear the air now and know where you stand, YOUR future happiness is in YOUR hands. 


Thoughts are with you


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Wisp.....thanks for the response. I did tell him that I am completely okay with just calling off the wedding for awhile...we had not set any real plans yet anyway, or put any money down. I am also okay with selling the house (we both agreed afterward that it was a mistake to buy it so soon after moving to a new place). We can also move anywhere in the country if we want to....we have nothing permanent tying us down here right now. I don't need these huge steps yet, but you are right, some sort of commitment is important, especially after 5 years together. He has been away for 5 days now...we have talked only a little bit, but have plans to get together in two days to really talk and communicate about the situation again. He still does not seem to have any more of an idea what he wants and does not want. It's like he cannot figure out what it is he is so unhappy with in life, or what might make him happier. I told him I can wait another week if he needs a little more time or space, but after that I believe I need some sort of plan. I cannot sit here in this gray area and wait. I believe if we do decide not to be together, that I might move out of the state which I'm sure would make any sort of reconciliation rather difficult. But I don't know if I should be with someone who feels like he needs to go away whenever some conflict comes up. However, he has always been a wonderful person, not just to me but to everyone in his life, and we love each other.....so it's hard for me to put any blame on him. It is just a very hard and confusing situation for both of us.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"However, he has always been a wonderful person"

Yes he probably is, again if he cant make the absolute choice to be with you he is telling you in indirect terms "he loves you but he is not in love with you" - I hate that saying and never thought I would have to use it, in this situation I read it to be true.

Please look after yourself, you seem like a rational person. If you do move states without him it will help you get over the feelings you have for him.

Post again with your decision, you may want to vet or just write what you want (anything).. 

Best wishes.. Wisp


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Thanks to all of you for your responses. 

The thing is, I have given him options. The first thing I said when he told me he was feeling this way was "okay, we'll sell the house. Fine, we don't need to have a wedding. We can move anywhere in the country that we want to. We have nothing holding us here, and we both have jobs that are easy to find anywhere" 

None of that seemed to make him feel any better. Now he has been staying at a hotel for one week, and still does not feel like he has any answers (which I knew would be the case because running away and working 60 hours a week and then sleeping the other hours does not help you answer your problems). 

I actually told him today that I cannot sit around here waiting in this "gray area" because it is impossible for me. I can go another week maybe, but after that, i need some sort of plan. He said he has no answers but if he has to just make one up he will....and that answer will probably be that we should not be together. 

I feel like if we were to actually tell any of our mutual friends or anything they would all think he's absolutely crazy. But, if this is the way he feels, I don't think there is anything more I can do to change that.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Yes, I am completely aware that both of us are at fault and I have accepted my fault and have agreed to do whatever it takes to work on my problems. I told him this. I said I would go to talk to a counselor, but he does not want to do this. The thing is, he does not even want to talk about it because he says he does not know what to say. How can we get through this without talking and compromising? Maybe this is awful of me, but I cannot sit around in this big house alone just waiting for the day when he decides if he wants to do the work to keep this relationship together or not. If he needs a lot of time and space, that's fine, but I need him to tell me that so that I can take the steps I need to take.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

I am 100% committed to doing the work it takes to be in a healthy relationship. He does not know that he is.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Hunt: I have also already been reading the self-help books. I am not just a naive 25 year old girl.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

*Re: Wise advice please?!?*

Lena, you don't listen. You don't listen to him, and you don't listen to yourself either. You missed sooo much that I wonder what your profession is. You could be in trouble, or you can listen to my words, as they might help you in future relationships and maybe your occupation too.

First, there was the house he didn't want to buy, but you pushed for it. It is actually common for one person to push for something and doesn't present a problem unless it is a pattern. A pattern of not listening and pushing for what you want is definitely problematic. Perhaps he has a problem with that personality trait. And, is it likely you pushed for the marriage? I'm not talking about the wedding. I'm wondering if you pushed for the two of you to get married. Sounds like you probably felt he dragged his feet for long enough. Moreover, I can't imagine he pushed for the marriage only to turn right around almost immediately and decide he didn't want to get married. Yes, he asked you to marry him (I assume), but have you begun pushing for setting a date after all this time? And, just for clarity's sake, would you please confirm that he asked you to marry him.



lenak10 said:


> He thinks if I don't have that dream wedding that all girls picture that I will regret it.


Listen to what he is not saying. He clearly knows most women want a big wedding, right? Isn't it obvious he knows he will have a difficult time escaping that? Do you really think he will walk away from every woman after a period of time because she will want a big wedding? Not likely. What I am reading is he simply doesn't want to marry you, and I think he has known this for a very long time.



lenak10 said:


> We don't fight much, we do things together, we have the same profession but work in different towns, many of the same friends, the same ideals and values....we just have a lot in common and have never had any problems in our relationship......We are not that different....neither of us are very religious and we share political and social views


There are areas and ways he feels you are incompatible, but you try to enumerate all the areas and ways YOU think the two of you have in common. What you are not getting is that what you think doesn't matter at the moment because he didn't ask for agreement or discussion. He simply stated his case, but you didn't ask him to elaborate and explain what he mean t- in what ways HE says the two of you are incompatible. Instead, you immediately set out to determine he is wrong. 



lenak10 said:


> but I also cannot wait around for months and months on end I don't think


Well can you or not? Make up your mind. Frankly, you should not have waited around for this long. Five years is a ridiculous amount of time to devote your life. Set some standards in your life to reduce the probability that someone can take advantage. Two years is long enough for two people to know if they are compatible for marriage or not. I know you felt you were building a life together, but look at where it got you?



lenak10 said:


> But here is my take on it....I don't think that any of the problems he is concerned with are too big to overcome.


Again, you're not listening. It doesn't matter what you think. What matters is getting to the bottom of what he thinks.



lenak10 said:


> and that he just thinks it all feels wrong right now


Listen to what he said and believe him. It might not be in your best interest to push for the marriage or even staying together.

What else and in how many other ways have you ignored what he said and turned it into what you wanted it to be? It could be your routine for doing this that bothers him and makes him feel you are incompatible. It seems that in some ways at least, he did try to comply. Perhaps he thinks you are too forceful. Maybe he feels you don't understand him. Maybe he just doesn't want to get married. And now, he has to give you reasons for wasting your time all these years.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

I NEVER even brought up marriage or a wedding or rings or anything before he proposed to me. NEVER. So NO, I never pushed marriage on him. It was 100% his idea to propose....spoke with my dad and everything, without me ever mentioning a word of it. I would have been just fine being the way we were for a few more years. The only thing I pushed too much was the buying of the house, because I thought it was a good financial decision for us because we both have a lot of student loans. I later agreed with him that I should not have pushed that so much and I apologized and said I would try harder to listen to his wants/needs. 

You are right, I should not be putting a time limit on his decision if I am 100% committed. I had a moment of weakness as this is a very hard situation for both of us. I feel like a hypocrite for thinking this, but again.....it is hard not to let your emotions control you in this situation. 

Also, I am wonderful at my occupation. So you cannot assume that I have problems in my occupation. I am in health care and I do an amazing job...not to brag, but I do. 

Also, you are telling me two different things. You are telling me to be patient and give him time....in another sentence, you are telling me to get over it.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

I was also very slow in actually setting wedding plans after we got proposed. My family/friends kept asking when we would set the date already....I felt like when we found the right place and time, we would set the date. I was in no rush. So, I know you think i was this crazy girl who pushed for marriage and the wedding, but I have not been that girl. We had also both agreed we did not want children till we were in our 30's, so we would have time to explore ourselves and eachother and the world before taking on such an important job. So, again, NO I was not pushing this whole "married life, children, suburb wife" thing on him. 

He is afraid that the way we were raised is just too different for us to ever successfully raise a family together. My parents are conservative republican. His family is from the northeast, very liberal. But the thing is, he and I view politics and social issues on quite the same level. So I guess I don't understand what he is so afraid of when it comes to raising a family. I thought that was something you have to communicate about and compromise on when the time comes. Maybe I am completely off base.


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Maybe you can answer this for me...

You seem to be telling me two different things...1. forget it, its over. and 2. give him more time, he needs to think things through. 

So tell me, which is it? If he tells me he loves me, but has not given me any verbal proof that he WANTS this to work out in the future, then do I still give him more time to figure things out?? Or do I move on with my life. He just says "I don't know what to say, I don't have any answers, I feel awful for putting you through this".....what do you think I need to do?


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

lenak10:

This is the hard part..

If he says he loves you and is unable to step up, "I don't know what to say, I don't have any answers, I feel awful for putting you through this"..... then alas it is he who is uncertain and does not have direction nor is he committing himself to you. He is comfortable because you are fulfilling his needs. 

For you and YOU alone. If this happens I suggest you start a processes to move on with your life without him, give yourself a period of a couple of months separated and then reassess the situation. Put a no contact boundary in. Meet people, go out with friends, I do not suggest you date or be with other men but you need to give him space. 

I after all this he is uncertain then you move on with life, move states as you said you would..

I want you to be selfish in this ---THINK OF YOU, you do not want to be with a man no matter what your feelings are for him if he does not commit 100% to you.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

lenak10:

If you were my sister or daughter I would say in no uncertain terms MOVE ON. Ditch him, he must man up and stop playing with your emotions. 

Look after your self


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

lenak10 said:


> I was also very slow in actually setting wedding plans after we got proposed. My family/friends kept asking when we would set the date already....I felt like when we found the right place and time, we would set the date. I was in no rush.


No one said anything about you being some crazy girl, and I can't imagine anyone even thinks it. I stated you gave too much time to the relationship. You basically wasted your own time thinking you were building a life and future with him, when you should have set boundaries on your life to prevent anyone from taking advantage, which is the way this looks like it turned out.

You answered one of my questions and with unnecessary indignation, I might add. I simply asked the question. However, this quote above addresses but does not answer my other question, which is did you begin pushing for setting a wedding date? Your friends and family have nothing to do with it, except that you are telling us you felt pressured by them. So did you or did you not push for setting a wedding date? 

You stated.........



lenak10 said:


> So here we are, about to set a wedding date, and my fiance comes to me one day and tells me he feels depression and anxious and panicky and has for about a month now.


...........only I don't know what that means and have only to assume either you wanted to set a date, or that he brought up the subject and then almost immediately changed his mind. The latter isn't likely, so I wanted to know who brought it up?

I also suggested you evaluate some other things about yourself, but you replied with more of what you mentioned earlier about the ways YOU think the two of you are compatible.

Finally, I did not insult your ability to do your job. I wondered about your occupation, knowing that some require you be able to listen and hear what is not stated. It was not to insinuate you don't do your job well. You are beside yourself and taking offense too much. Just based on some of your responses alone, I think your fiance may have good reason to question the relationship at this point. You're flying off the handle, taking offense when none was intended, taking exception to mere suggestion that you have any faults, and defending yourself for no reason.....and you are not listening.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Lenak10,
In some ways you are already married. You’re cohabitating, sharing the bedroom, buying your home together, choosing the décor and buying furniture, paying bills plus you’ve already been together for 5 years. As yet you don’t have any children in the mix. Now what else do you need to be married? Ah yes, you’ll need to take your wedding vows. That’s about it isn’t it.

Now you both have a “big decision to make” about your wedding. In marriage big decisions come along as we move through life together. Move to relocate for a new career, how many children to have and along the way there’re many trials and tribulations to overcome and resolve..

A lot about marriage is about communication. Everyone who can talk and listen is capable of communicating. But the quality of communication is very dependent upon how we communicate.

But for me excellent communication is only ever possible if both people are being “emotionally honest”, it only comes if the two people are honestly declaring what it is that’s in their heart and soul. Sometimes this is truly a hard and difficult thing to do, not the least because we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

So excellent communication needs two things. First off emotional honesty and secondly good “communication skills”, the techniques of communicating well. Things like “First seek to understand, then seek to be understood”.

Your possible marriage and wedding is right now a very big issue for both of you. How I see it is you right now have a fantastic opportunity to enlist the help of a third party, a marriage counsellor, a communication coach etc. and to sit down with them and to see if they can help both you and your partner to really get to the bottom of the issue that’s between you and to help you to resolve it.

If you do this you'll have learnt the importance of emotional honesty, excellent communication skills and hopefully the two of you will have resolved the will we wont we issue about your possible marriage. And if you do decide to get married you'll be leagues ahead of many other couples in terms of communication skills and those skills will help you immensley as other issues come your way which they surely will.

I sincerely hope this helps you both.

Bob


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Bob:

Thank you for your wise words. I appreciate it. When we first began talking about the issue, I nonchalantly mentioned speaking with a counselor but he did not think highly of the idea (1. because of having to pay for it and 2. because he does not like to discuss his personal issues with strangers). Do you think I should bring up the idea again? I am completely willing to go and to pay for it. But I have always heard that if one person is not really into the idea, then they will not get much out of it. What do you think?

To answer someone else's question: 

We have been engaged for 11 months and we went together to look at some wedding venues after about 9 months of being engaged. We had a tentative date on reserve since mid-may but had not yet put a downpayment on it. So, we had actually set this tentative date together, I had not been pushing for setting the date sooner than he wanted to set it. However, it was when we were about to send a downpayment in that he started to feel anxious and panicky. Does that answer the question any better?

Someone else said I was wasting my time thinking we were building a life together. But, how was I wasting my time if he had proposed to me? Of course I would have the impression that we were building a life together. 

Lastly, you are right, I am a bit of a mess right now. And I am trying to keep my emotions in check when I speak with him, but it is very difficult. This is odd for me...I have never felt so unstable. I know I have faults and I have admitted this to him and accepted the challenge of working on them. But you are right, I probably am being too defensive about it, because I am hurt.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Sorry to say this but all the signs are telling you he is not the one for you..

Bless you and good luck, find a friend on whose shoulder you can cry on (not a male friend please )


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

haha, dont worry I have an amazing group of close girl friends.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Good on you all the best...


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Lenak,
First off if you know you can get pregnant to “force” this issue and you haven’t then you are one honourable lady. Dwell on that for a little while. If it is true then give yourself a treat. Don’t know how your financial situation is what with student loans but money is not the thing here. Hand manicure, little bar of chocolate just as long as it’s a treat for you.

Don’t matter if your boyfriend is not into the idea, the key thing is to get him there. When he’s there, it is a hope that the coach will switch in and earn their money. That’s what it’s all about.

So talk to some communication coaches. You get free time to “set your stall out”. Very much like with a lawyer. You get 30 mins to give them an overview and then you say “How would you help?”. Talk to 3 coaches. That will be a discovery process for you. If you don’t like what you hear, talk to a 4th until you hear what you want to hear. Nobody knows the situation better than you do.

After you’ve found a coach, next step is to “arrange diaries”. Tell your boyfriend you are arranging coaching for the two of you and you would like from him 3 times and dates when he is free. When you have the dates, phone the coach and see if they are free. Go round the loop as many times as necessary.

Book the mutually agreed appointed and see what happens.

Bob


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Oh my goodness, I would never get pregnant just to keep somebody around! Besides, we had already both agreed (when we were planning to be married) that neither of us wanted children probably until after we hit the 30 year old mark. 

The thing about the counseling is that I certainly cannot and would not want to force him to go if he really is not in agreement to go. Part of our problem is that I need to listen more to him and what he wants or does not want. So if he truly does not want to try counseling, I have to respect that, and then maybe also realize that that means he is done with the relationship. But, I will still mention the idea of counseling and see what he says. 

Thank you for your advice.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I think the answer is simple and am a bit surprised by the responses you've gotten.

He's unsure what he wants. 
You bought a house you regret buying.

Sell the house and move away from each other. Set an amount of time you will stay apart and have the no-contact clause just like mentioned earlier in this thread. Evaluate at the end of that time. Period. KISS (Keep it Simple Silly) Principle applies here. You'd be amazed how much clarity is discovered when a person has space to breathe. Your time apart will answer all the questions.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lenak10 said:


> Part of our problem is that I need to listen more to him and what he wants or does not want. So if he truly does not want to try counseling, I have to respect that, and then maybe also realize that that means he is done with the relationship. But, I will still mention the idea of counseling and see what he says.
> 
> Thank you for your advice.


There's not much better a reason to go to counselling for your partners sake and for yours. Learning new communication skills will be a massive benefit for you both in the home, socialising, with children and at work even if you do not stay together. It's an investment for both of you.

Bob


----------



## lenak10 (Jul 28, 2010)

Well guys, I really do think its over. We got together today and talked. He has been away for a week. He said some days he woke up and thought he wanted to come home. He said he was lonely but was not sure if it was because he missed me or just because he was alone in a hotel room. Other days he woke up thinking that he really just wants to move on with his life. So, he is still confused about what he wants. He said when he proposed 10 months ago, he meant it. And up until about 2 months ago, he truly whole heartedly wanted to be married to me. Then, he got to thinking and found himself wondering "how did I get here? This is not where I want to be." And now, he is mad at himself for putting me through this so he feels like he should just go ahead and sign like a 3 or 6 months lease since he feels like he cannot be at home, or anywhere, with me right now. He feels like his needs were not being met in our relationship over the past 1.5 years. And I have certainly learned many lessons through all this, whether I use them in the future in our relationship, or in a new relationship, I guess I can at least take that away with me....ways to be a better person, a better listener, and a better partner. I asked him what he wants me to do in regards to the details....tell our friends this week/not tell our friends this week, what do you want to do with the ring (he decided to leave it here at the house), etc....but he just said "do whatever you want to do". But I don't want to be nasty or hurt his feelings or make anybody angry at him, so I wish he were able to give me a clearer idea of how he wants me to handle this. 

He has given me no real reason to hold onto any hope. He thinks that he will realize in a year or so if he made a huge mistake or not. He says maybe in 3 months he will realize he made a mistake, but then he said he is afraid that he has already done too much damage and that he will not be able to undo that. He thinks "everyone is gonna think I'm a jerk". I really don't want this situation to be like that for him. 

I feel like I need to just convince myself this is all for the best, and move on. Go out, meet new people, hang out with my friends, sell the house, find a cute apt downtown, whatever it is. But I want to handle this a mature way, because we have a lot to work out between us, and I still love him....and I guess a tiny part of me still hopes he will change his mind in another week or two. But the smart part of me thinks that even if he does, maybe we are better off apart. 

Life is tough, isnt it?


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"I feel like I need to just convince myself this is all for the best".. Move on and do what needs to be done for YOURSELF.. 


Don't water down the message say it as it is, it is no longer your worry what they think of his so long as you just keep to the facts.


Start asap , you will go though emotions that will change daily. Keep yourself busy and socialise with good friends.

START NOW it is for you, you must now live for yourself.

Many best wishes..


----------



## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

If you decide to get back together. PLEASE don't move back in with him. But don't use it as an ultimatum either. He needs to choose whether he wants to commit to you or not. If he dosen't then good. You can both be free and move on. If he does, then good. But you must not tie your finances together and live in the same household. He will then have to power to leave you high and dry once someone else comes along. 

I don't think so!


----------



## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

lenak10 said:


> Well guys, I really do think its over. We got together today and talked. He has been away for a week. He said some days he woke up and thought he wanted to come home. He said he was lonely but was not sure if it was because he missed me or just because he was alone in a hotel room. Other days he woke up thinking that he really just wants to move on with his life. So, he is still confused about what he wants. He said when he proposed 10 months ago, he meant it. And up until about 2 months ago, he truly whole heartedly wanted to be married to me. Then, he got to thinking and found himself wondering "how did I get here? This is not where I want to be." And now, he is mad at himself for putting me through this so he feels like he should just go ahead and sign like a 3 or 6 months lease since he feels like he cannot be at home, or anywhere, with me right now. He feels like his needs were not being met in our relationship over the past 1.5 years. And I have certainly learned many lessons through all this, whether I use them in the future in our relationship, or in a new relationship, I guess I can at least take that away with me....ways to be a better person, a better listener, and a better partner. I asked him what he wants me to do in regards to the details....tell our friends this week/not tell our friends this week, what do you want to do with the ring (he decided to leave it here at the house), etc....but he just said "do whatever you want to do". But I don't want to be nasty or hurt his feelings or make anybody angry at him, so I wish he were able to give me a clearer idea of how he wants me to handle this.
> 
> He has given me no real reason to hold onto any hope. He thinks that he will realize in a year or so if he made a huge mistake or not. He says maybe in 3 months he will realize he made a mistake, but then he said he is afraid that he has already done too much damage and that he will not be able to undo that. He thinks "everyone is gonna think I'm a jerk". I really don't want this situation to be like that for him.
> 
> ...


Oh I just read your update. I'm glad that he made up his mind. Now it's time to get on with your life and move on. Learn from your relationship together and think of it as a learning experience. Next time I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend without at least an engagement ring and a set date. 

Take care and I hope everything works out for you.


----------

