# Left for another man and now back with her



## mrcoolblue (Mar 15, 2012)

*Left for another man and now back with me.*

I will spare you the details, but my lady split to pursue another man, but then came back to me. At first I was really happy,but now I almost feel like I got cheated, and I have a hard time getting the images of them and the pain she caused me out of my soul. Is this natural? Will it go away? PLease help!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its called rugsweeping and now you're feeling the resentment from it. You are simply her back up plan, the 2nd stringer. You waited out her affair and took her back. You were hurt and now she gets to come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Go watch "The hangover". Handle it like he did.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's called being a doormat. She obviously cheated on you and found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your naturally very hurt. She got to go out and play for a bit then you took her back. The alternative is not taking her back. 
The ball is in your court. 
Get into MC. NOW.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You feel cheated because she was out having sex with another man while you were remaining faithful. She got to go have her fun, and you didn't. Natural feeling. Can I ask why you were so quick to take her back? What boundaries have you set down since she came back?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry dude. But you will never get that feeling back that you once had when you were together before she started screwing around on you. That relationship is gone and it's gone for good. 

Can I ask you why did she come back?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*



mrcoolblue said:


> I will spare you the details, but my lady split to pursue another man, but then came back to me. At first I was really happy,but now I almost feel like I got cheated, and I have a hard time getting the images of them and the pain she caused me out of my soul. Is this natural? Will it go away? PLease help!


You can't spare the details. What happened? Why is she back? What did you do while she was gone? Most importantly, are you just taking her back because you're desperate or because she's truly remorseful? What actions and steps has she taken since this happened?


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## dyen12 (Mar 15, 2012)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*

This has happened to so many friends of mine who have left to go for someone else and then they return because the grass wasn't as greener. Except three of my friends wouldn't allow the person back into their life. You have all rights to feel cheated .. and used and not able to trust. Kick her to the curb before she does it again.


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*

You feel cheated because you were cheated.

I think unless the wayward is really really really remorseful, then you're best cutting them loose.

Why? If they cheated and got away with it once without penalty, they'll do it again and again and again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*

It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. How long ago did she leave and then when did she come back?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*

Yes, your feelings are normal although I don't know about the obssesing over the images of them. I think you should focus not on the two of them but on the two of you. Either you forgive her or you don't. My personal opinion is never to take back someone who does that to you while dating. She showed you who and how she is. It was up to you to believe her. But, taking her back ignored that fact. I know you felt hurt when she left, and then you were elated when she returned. But that's living your life by emotions and flying by the seat of your pants. It's not living by making sensible decisions. You have to set standards in your life and decide what you will and will not tolerate while dating, and then live up to those standards you set for yourself. It won't be easy, but it surely will save you the agony you're going through right now. Trust is a very big issue. You date people to find out if they are right for you. If a person shows you they cannot be trusted, then you are foolish to repeatedly trust them. You should be able to make the hard decisions and determine she is not right for you and move on to find that right person. Without standards, you live your life as fickle and flightey as she is.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She came back, but perhaps, lurking in the back of your mind, is the fear that she will do it again if given the chance.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> She came back, but perhaps, lurking in the back of your mind, is the fear that she will do it again if given the chance.


If he lets her get away without dealing with the consequences, if he lets her rugsweep, then she will definitely do it again. The clock is ticking.


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## mrcoolblue (Mar 15, 2012)

yeah, I have never been in love or had my heart broken before her, so when she said she still loved me I was pretty stoked, but then I got back with her and I started to be like, wait a minute you more or less cheated on me and left me for dead and now you expect me to be the same, ugg, and how do I know it wont happen again. This on top of the fact that the magic of the past was gone, it was not as fun as before, and many times I would think about them together and it would bum me out, like during sex or just walking in the park. I guess I feel sort of selfish taking her back and then dumping her. Thats kind of what is hooking me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're the 2nd place winner and since this isn't the special Olympics you lost buddy. If you're not married or don't have kids move on and find someone else.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Don't feel selfish for taking her back and then dumping her. She cheated on you, put your health at risk for STD's and left you for the OM. You don't owe her squat. Now maybe she will know what it feels like to be left in the dirt. She now knows that she can humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way you would still take her back. Why would she respect you if you don't respect yourself?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

mrcoolblue said:


> yeah, I have never been in love or had my heart broken before her, so when she said she still loved me I was pretty stoked, but then I got back with her and I started to be like, wait a minute you more or less cheated on me and left me for dead and now you expect me to be the same, ugg, and how do I know it wont happen again. This on top of the fact that the magic of the past was gone, it was not as fun as before, and many times I would think about them together and it would bum me out, like during sex or just walking in the park. I guess *I feel sort of selfish taking her back and then dumping her*. Thats kind of what is hooking me.


I'm sure she didn't have those reservations when she left you and was screwing the other man.


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## mrcoolblue (Mar 15, 2012)

thanks for your help, I have actually tried to dump her once because of this but she showed up to my work and begged on her hands and knees to take her back...
ugg...
This is by far the worst emotional experience of my life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mrcoolblue said:


> thanks for your help, I have actually tried to dump her once because of this but she showed up to my work and begged on her hands and knees to take her back...
> ugg...
> This is by far the worst emotional experience of my life.


So what you've taught her is that if she makes a public scene, she gets what she wants... Same principle as a three year old throwing a temper tantrum in a toy store. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

While she was on her hands and knees you should have unbuckled your pants and let her show you how sorry she was. Then when you were finished, you should have kicked her to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She ****s around, gets dumped, comes back and YOU feel selfish for dumping her now?

You need to think about that.

If you don't want to reconcile then just tell her you tried but just aren't feeling it, please pack your **** and go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> While she was on her hands an knees you should have unbuckled your pants and let her show you how sorry she was. Then when you were finished, you should have kicked her to the curb.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

tacoma said:


> She ****s around, gets dumped, comes back and YOU feel selfish for dumping her now?
> 
> You need to think about that.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Why you want to live in pain and hate when you have other options?

She was selfish to dump you and came back after finding the grass on other side is not greener, if it was otherwise will she have came back to you?
She disrespected you and your marriage in the worst way. dump her she dont deserve you. you deserve a better faithful wife and happy peaceful life.

By showing at your office and begging on her knee was a way of manipulation, she know that you are an emotional guy, she utilised that point in the worst way, she may have been laughing inside when you took her back.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She walked out on you without a second thought, tore your world apart, disrespected you in the worst way possible - then comes back - and you let her.

The saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" developed over time for a reason. Don't wait for her to prove this - walk away now. Sounds like you had come to accept that she was gone and were beginning to get over it and move on when she came back. Now you are realizing you didn't really want her back.

Don't feel guilty. Just tell her you thought you could get over what she did to you - but just can not do it.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> While she was on her hands an knees you should have unbuckled your pants and let her show you how sorry she was. Then when you were finished, you should have kicked her to the curb.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Mrcoolblue, let me guess. You have a paying job that brings in enough to let her sit on her big backside while you're out there bringing home the bacon. That's usually what they miss the most when they come crawling back.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

hookares said:


> Mrcoolblue, let me guess. You have a paying job that brings in enough to let her sit on her big backside while you're out there bringing home the bacon. That's usually what they miss the most when they come crawling back.


OUCH!! Cruel, but probably true.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Mrcool, you should not be ashamed to move on w/out her. She has broken trust w/ you, and believe me, it's not easy to get back. You need to be honest w/ her and tell her that you just can't go back to how it was. How it was doesn't exist anymore. I'm not saying that relationships can't recover from infidelity; they can, mine did. But it takes a hell of a lot of work and years to gain back the trust. If you can't live w/ the present situation, tell her that, and get out. You say that this is the worst thing that's happened in your life. Well get ready, because life w/ this woman could get a whole lot worse. The next time she checks out of the relationship will be completely devastating. Read the threads on this site. It's not uncommon for the BS to forgive, rug sweep, and think it's all better, just to find out later that nothing has changed, and they wind up living in some perverse scene from the movie "Groundhog Day."


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I have a sinking feeling that he's gonna take her back.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I guess I feel sort of selfish taking her back and then dumping her. Thats kind of what is hooking me. *

Then let's do some unhooking. 

Sometimes when you catch a fish the hook is so imbedded that you can't remove it without killing it. So in those cases you cut the line and release the fish.

Cut the line son and let her swim away.

No more hook.

Giving her what she wants, her freedom with be the most unselfish act you can do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> While she was on her hands and knees you should have unbuckled your pants and let her show you how sorry she was. Then when you were finished, you should have kicked her to the curb.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is sexist


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm in a nasty mood today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bandit,
After I spanked the crap out of her and the whole hands and knees thing/ belt buckel, it only made me want her even more. 

That does not take the pain away. The short and self gradifing consequence that my fWW had was nothing compared to the long term consequence that she is now excepting.

Thats my point here. You have the right idea with the belt buckel thing but it needs to continue on with the consequence of lose of privacy, then continued transperence, and the giving of the waywards self completly back to the loyal spouse.

Granted in your case she was warned so many years ago and your chick did it again.......I may be in the same boat years from now, but the point is that the OP must have the consequence in place for his WW in order to have a small chance of preventive maintence. That and his WW need to fix her self instead of "rug sweeping". 

The is a large degree of submission that the wayward needs to exhibit IMHO.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Blue---why did she come back---cuz she F'ing has no where else to go.

Why is she on her hands and knees crying, cuz how does she make it if you don't take her back---she will be out there on her own---obviously she can't make it on her own

She doesn't love you---she loves you taking care of her----she proved she doesn't love you, when she split on you---actually I should leave the L out of split.

She will do this to you again---once a cheater always a cheater---and that pretty much holds true

Do you like the misery you are in, right now---do you like the drama---do you like the looking over your shoulder wondering when she will leave for another guy, do you like, the visions you have of her having sex with her lover

That all goes away---if she is SENT AWAY---stop being mr. nice--guy, and mr. lovery--dovey---go out and find a good, true, real woman.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> Bandit,
> 
> Granted in your case she was warned so many years ago and your chick did it again.......I may be in the same boat years from now, but the point is that the OP must have the consequence in place for his WW in order to have a small chance of preventive maintence. That and his WW need to fix her self instead of "rug sweeping".
> 
> The is a large degree of submission that the wayward needs to exhibit IMHO.


Very true, very true.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

If I was going to let her stay I would have a list of every sexual fantasy I ever had and start knocking the list out one by one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> If I was going to let her stay I would have a list of every sexual fantasy I ever had and start knocking the list out one by one.


....and then kick her to the curb!


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## mrcoolblue (Mar 15, 2012)

Thank you for all your feedback. I was pretty lost and was wondering if I could feel justified feeling the way I did, and whether or not it was natural or not. But from the sounds of it I have every right to feel cheated, and betrayed, and its natural that Im feeling hurt and pissed off. I also feel disrespected, like my honor has been tainted. I also feel like the magic is gone, and Im not really in control of my life any more. It makes it even harder that she lives in another city as me and seeing her is a big hassle. Im also pretty sad, because I used to really be happy with this girl and loved her like crazy. Its hard to imagine its over and dead, and the world is kind of scary on my own two feet. Im really scared and sad, but I dont think I will ever be able to let the pain and betrayal go, and who knows... it might happen again.
Uggg...

love is the pits for sure.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Love isn't the pits, it's your partner who is the pits. With a good partner, love is great, with a cheater, it sucks ass.


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## mrcoolblue (Mar 15, 2012)

ok I have thought long and hard about this. I wanted to ask around and see a therapist before jumping to a conclusion. I feel like breaking up with her is a good idea. Here are my reasons.

1. She left me to get with another guy. Its basically like cheating, and it hurt me emotionally, and philosophically.
2. One time she broke up with me, but we were still hanging out, and she made out with a dude she texted at school. Again, sort of a grey area, but still feels like cheating, and it sucks.
3. I cant seem to get the images out of my head. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about this. I never used to, and it was much easier to be happy and give to the relationship.
4. She lives in another city, and traveling all the time is very very taxing on me.
5. I still love her, and always will, but I dont want to be a doormat and I dont feel like I should feel guilty or selfish for moving on.
So now my question is how do I do it? Im really scared right now, and hoping im not making a big mistake.

thanks for any input.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hooking up another guy after immediately breaking up with you is indeed humiliating to the loved one.

It will be something very hard to get over. And you taking back after she dumps you repeatedly is you paving your path to be an absolute doormat. She does not value or respect you enough for the relationship to last.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

*Re: Left for another man and now back with me.*



EleGirl said:


> It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. How long ago did she leave and then when did she come back?


2 to 5 years huh? Says who? From what I read on here, most people even 10 plus years out (such as myself) are still bothered by images and triggers...they all say it fades over time (maybe), but it's still there. I don't believe it's a set time...for some they are just happy to have the person back...and then the triggers creep in...for others, it's never the same. So maybe for you 2-5 years, I personally don't see that as a general rule. Especially after all of the stories I've read here!


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

It's never too late to get your dignity and self respect back. Leave her and start fresh with someone else that didn't rip your heart out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

The best way to break up is the forthright way. Be direct and honest, tell her that the relationship isn't working for you and tell her why. Be sure she understands that this break-up is permanent. She may cry or beg, but you just have to man-up and do the deed. BTW, do it in person, don't text or e-mail or call her be a man and own your ****.


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