# my desire is gone and I don't know why.



## Marrianne (Jan 17, 2010)

Over the past few months I have had little to no desire to be with my husband. Even him touching me makes me shrink away. I know this is a damaging thing, beecause I found him visiting adult sites last night. He has mentioned my lack of interest several times, and I have really taken it to heart. I have tried a few different herbal formulas that are supposed to be very good. I have tried watching movies with him. Not too many movies, though. I have been insecure, too, because I have gained significant weight in a short period of time - and the women in the movies are (in my opinion) way more attractive (body-wise) than I am. Also, he always ends up staring at the movie and paying more attention to it. He'll be doing it with me, but it seems he's imagining he's with the other woman/women. I am only on one med that could possibly affect my libido (Topamax) but it's a considerably low dose (50mg).


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

could be the meds, could be a combination of meds and low self esteem or even depression. have you sought the advice of a physician? can you pinpoint behaviors in your husband that might have pushed you this direction?


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

you should try exercising with him, it always gets the hormones pumping afterward for me and wife, and always leads to great sex


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Marrianne said:


> Over the past few months I have had little to no desire to be with my husband. Even him touching me makes me shrink away. I know this is a damaging thing, beecause I found him visiting adult sites last night. He has mentioned my lack of interest several times, and I have really taken it to heart. I have tried a few different herbal formulas that are supposed to be very good. I have tried watching movies with him. Not too many movies, though. I have been insecure, too, because I have gained significant weight in a short period of time - and the women in the movies are (in my opinion) way more attractive (body-wise) than I am. Also, he always ends up staring at the movie and paying more attention to it. He'll be doing it with me, but it seems he's imagining he's with the other woman/women. I am only on one med that could possibly affect my libido (Topamax) but it's a considerably low dose (50mg).


The insecurity, weight gain, and lack of attraction to your husband are all the same thing, lack of emotional connection to your man.

What does your man do to make you feel desired or sexually attractive to him? I can answer this question, nothing.

A woman is not going to be attracted to a man that she does not respect, or has resentment towards. You are resenting your man because his neglect to you is making you feel insecure and unattractive, and you blame him for this.

This is not because he is a bad man, this is instead because of this, he knows you are not attracted to him, and he is feeling insecure and emotionally hurt by this. So he has retreated to the adult sites, and most likely masturbation to fill this void. 

So this is piling inside you more resentment to him, resentment on top of resentment. Communication breaks down, emotional walls build up.

On this forum, I call this the "spiral of resentment", and is all too common. 

The solution is this, your man is needing to step to show you how he really feels about you. To do this, he will need to overcome his resentment to you for making him feel undesired, so you to have work to do yourself, and that is to communicate to him plainly these things.

Do not worry about the weight issue, or these women in the movies, or these other things. This is mostly your imagination running because of the insecurities already mentioned, do not give the power over you to prevent you from being brave to communicate these things with your man.

Your man is wanting to light the fire inside you for him, as you are the woman he loved so much to date and marry. Right now he just doesn't know how, and in the confusion and hurt has withdrawn himself.

I wish you well.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

The BigBadWolf strikes again... love his advice.

I agree that you shouldn't worry about your weight. Women in the movies are totally... well, it's just not realistic. 

May I ask why you've gained weight? Could it be a hormonal issue that hasn't been diagnosed yet. That may be seriously effecting your desire.

Also, I think it's important that your H take the time to make you feel desired. There's nothing like a man who tells you, shows you and convinces you that YOU ARE SEXY!!! 

Exercising together is a great idea. Get you both physically active, blood pumping, etc. Help both self esteems and could be great for bonding, etc.

Talk to your man. See your doctor. Work on this, it's important!


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