# Do I expose OW???



## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

So...You all were right, he was cheating on me for the past year  The woman was someone he met on an affair site and they began to chat off line. She even joined his Networking group and befriended our friends. 
She is in a LT relationship with a man who supports her while she goes to school. 
Within 24 hours I knew her name, BF name #'s business #'s home # and address. I know the street she grew up on. (amazing I can do all this and didn't know my husband was cheating for a year).
Anyway... I sent her an email and told her to disappear from my husbands Facebook, Network Groups, Linkedin, unfriend all our friends and just go away or I would send her BF all the e-mails I found in his secret account that I hacked. I gave her 24 hours and it took her 15. Then four days later she sends my husband a FB message and I responded. She is truly attached to him and knowing that I will expose her she chooses to reach out to him anyway. 
So I sent her a message via USPS containing the ceramic bowl she made for my husband and he then gave to me as a gift. I broke it very carefully then put glue on it and packed it in a box with the emails they sent each other shredded very carefully so you could still read each gross sentences. I sent with it a very lovely note explaining that I could not keep the gift but I hoped it would find her well. 
So now I wonder if I should go ahead and tell her boyfriend the truth. I called his business and asked if I could get an email address to send a bid request to. Is it wrong to call her out? I'm still VERY mad and I don't think I deserve to be the only one suffering right now. I am faced with moving out of my home and losing the only man I ever loved. I have to start my life over and I feel like she should too.

I need your advice.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Love it! I say go for it and expose. What, you are supposed to stay true to your word? Ha!!!

More importantly, what are you going to do with husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

You asked her to stop. She did not. I'd out her.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Expose her to her SO. You dont need to expose all over the internet, networks and everything else, Just out her to her SO.

Show him the evidence. He will do the rest of the work for you.

Please take care of yourself.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Umm, *YES*

OP, you must have read some of the threads here.. 

You want her off your back ?

Then give her something of her own to worry about.. 

She won't be so busy with your husband when she has her own boyfriend to contend with..

If your fear is she will break up with her boyfriend and go after your husband full tilt.. Well don't worry.. Because if she does that and he accepts her then you never had him in the first place and he was going to leave you regardless.

But what is the deal with your husband ? WTF is he doing or saying to make you feel like he wants you ?.. Shouldn't HE be the one sending this sh1t back ? Should he be the one to tell her to fvck off ?

Sounds like he is just letting the both of you have a girl fight over him.. 

Stop stroking his ego and let him assert his love for you !!

This isn't a fight for a man or a relationship.. He should be proving his love for you and not the otherway around..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love what you did with the bowl... letting her know that she gave it to him and then he gave it to you... then smashing it.. priceless 

Yes, expose her to her boyfriend. Send him all of the emails. Just make sure that it's sent in a way that she cannot intercept the email packet.

what about your friends who she has befriended? Are you going to tell them about all this?


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

Hating her is easy. I am so angry! but I just can't hate my husband. I love him SO much it hurts. I know I should just leave and I probably will but it's hard to let it all go. He says he still loves me but I don't see how you can love someone and have an affair. 
I'm a successful, smart lady and I know I have the power and the means to destroy both of them but I just can't hurt him. 
She's another story.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

katt said:


> She's another story.


I like your style!

Along with the BF, see if you can get info about her family also. Do you have plans to expose to her friends via Facebook as well? If so, we can give you a template to use.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Love what you did with the bowl... letting her know that she gave it to him and then he gave it to you... then smashing it.. priceless
> 
> Yes, expose her to her boyfriend. Send him all of the emails. Just make sure that it's sent in a way that she cannot intercept the email packet.
> 
> what about your friends who she has befriended? Are you going to tell them about all this?


If there is a way try to see him personally.
That will lessen the chance if you send by snail mail or email plus I think it sends a strong statement that this is serious.
But that is just me.


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

3putt said:


> I like your style!
> 
> Along with the BF, see if you can get info about her family also. Do you have plans to expose to her friends via Facebook as well? If so, we can give you a template to use.


I have ALL the information I need. I was thinking about the FB exposure but I'm still unsure. I'd like to keep some class and a shred of dignity. Even though she had the nerve to comment on MY pictures of my husband before I found out...She has no idea who I am  
So...yes send me the template.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Of course you expose. No ifs, ands, or buts! 

You gave her a chance (which you did not have to do) and she blew it. Once you expose to the BF, you most likely won't hear from her again. Also her BF may cut off her "school funding program". Then concentrate on some of the other things that are suspicious, like what you found in the car, which is a bigger issue to me.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE

Do it now. No more warnings. NOW! Loudly! Facebook, phone calls, in person. Make sure her SO knows.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

katt said:


> I have ALL the information I need. I was thinking about the FB exposure but I'm still unsure. I'd like to keep some class and a shred of dignity. Even though she had the nerve to comment on MY pictures of my husband before I found out...She has no idea who I am
> So...yes send me the template.


Here you go. Of course, you can alter it to suit your own needs. 



from MB poster MelodyLane said:


> FACEBOOK EXPOSURE INSTRUCTIONS
> 
> Should be done to the OP’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP’s closest friends and family.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't lay out boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. All that does is teach people you can be safely ignored. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would expose her. Loved the bowl thing. Keep your cool on how you do it.

Start the 180. Give your WH the cold sholder. and don;t let him know your plans if you do expose it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

PBear said:


> Don't lay out boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. All that does is teach people you can be safely ignored.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I honestly don't advocate warning the Other Woman at all.

Just out her, or don't.

If you WARN her she is going to just run damage control. You gave her 24 hours to : 

a. convince her 'boyfriend' that there is some crazy woman emailing her and will email him soon
b. lock down her boyfriend's mail account so you cant' get messages to him
c. forward your incoming calls

etc She will do everything she can to reduce the effectiveness of you exposure.

Exposure is best done as a surprise attack.


There is no freaking point in warning the affair partner you will be coming.

If I wanted to go on the offensive to put a stop to her bullying your marriage the last thing I would be doing is warning her what your counter-plans are.

If SHE is going to LIE to you for months on end and conspire behind your back, then why on EARTH are you informing her what your plans are?

Heck, if you were going to punch her would you let her know if you would be using left or right hand?

NO.

You just take the shot.

So.. take the shot. Warning her just makes exposure less effective.

As far as good reasons to expose or not : 

a. assess your own vulnerability level - does she know where you work? Can she make your life more difficult? Does she have a registered firearm? Do you have a security system? Does she know where you live? You may be starting an ugly war here and need to put your fences up.
b. is she continuing to violate your home, or is the affair over?
c. assess the harm that may come to your husband from the betrayed boyfriend. Do you want that boyfriend crashing into your home and shooting your husband dead? Do you need that kind of stress in your home? You could even be arrested on conspiracy.

I am not suggesting don't expose, just do some safety checking before you declare war.

I am in favor of managed, targeted exposure. But I do advocate you being prepared before you act. For your own safety, prepare for exposure fall out before you act and do not warn her what your plans are.. just execute them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A question here...

what are your goals in exposing? This is an important question to ask.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Did your husband send a NC letter? Exposing her to her bf is a good idea, but what are you and your husband doing to fix your marriage?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do you out her 

Absolutely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> As far as good reasons to expose or not :
> 
> a. assess your own vulnerability level - does she know where you work? Can she make your life more difficult? Does she have a registered firearm? Do you have a security system? Does she know where you live? You may be starting an ugly war here and need to put your fences up.
> b. is she continuing to violate your home, or is the affair over?
> ...


Allen, serious question here: Have you ever seen anything CLOSE to this happening with anyone? 

Arrested on conspiracy charges?? LOL....what conspiracy? C'mon, man....that's about as overboard and preposterous a scenario as I have ever heard.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> A question here...
> 
> what are your goals in exposing? This is an important question to ask.


:iagree:

Absolutely. I would out her regardless - but EG raises a really good point. 

It truly excellent that you have all the tools and, more importantly, the will to use them, but planning and methodical execution, especially in a situation like this, is never a bad idea.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Yes expose. she did not bother to keep any boundaries, even after dday. 

If her sugar daddy has any doubts, your H can provide more details.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

3putt said:


> Allen, serious question here: Have you ever seen anything CLOSE to this happening with anyone?
> 
> Arrested on conspiracy charges?? LOL....what conspiracy? C'mon, man....that's about as overboard and preposterous a scenario as I have ever heard.


I think you are taking that out of context.

What I suggested is that if the OW's boyfriend became violent and acted against OP's husband, that she could become dragged into a police investigation.

If anything happened to her husband, as a result of OP outing the OW, the OP might be in trouble with the law.

A clever lawyer could easy suggest that OP outed the OW on purpose, expecting violence to result. Or could even suggest the betrayed spouses both planned this together.

Then boom OP is in trouble.

You can suggest it's preposterous all you want. But in my opinion it's worth warning OP about.

I read a lot of posts here of everyone saying "out her, absolutely" etc... I am merely suggesting OP thinks about the possible consequences this may have to her own welfare.. legally speaking.

You can shrug it off, but at least give me some credit for advocating the OP take some forethought here relative to the other posts here of people just blindly cheer-leading exposure without the slightest warning to the consequences.

I do advocate exposure. I am merely suggesting that the exposer does everything she can to ensure her safety is the first priority.

a. protecting the marriage is not the first priority
b. "sticking it" to the OW is not the first priority
c. doing right by the boyfriend who is deceived here - not first priority
d. ensuring OP is safe comes first

If OP outs her husband's cuckolding this other man, violence may erupt. That's a fact.

That violence may very well bring the law to OP's door for instigating the whole thing. That's a fact.

How serious the law may take her instigating violence? I don't know. I am not a criminal lawyer.

But I am certainly not stupid enough to advocate OP just out OW without thinking about the possible legal ramifications.

OP has already sent a nasty message OW's way.

I do think OP ought to expose.. safely. I think the OP ought to expose in writing/digital recording to ensure if there is any fallout, that the law will know OP was not in any way advocating violence. I think the OP ought to expose in a way that will advocate the cuckolded man simply be aware of what is going on, for his own safety. OW could be sleeping with other men and be passing STD's around or something. That is how i would phrase it, in writing.

Good grief. Someone here ought to give the OP some safety warnings or advocate taking some precautions. There are far too many reckless cheerleading posts here.

There isn't a single post here warning the OP about her own safety here. Don't you think that ought to be the FIRST thing that gets posted here?

Two pages and only one post warning OP to lock her door and take safety precations?

Come on. Give me some credit here.

Violence has erupted after exposure. Many many times. That is a fact.

Heck, you have been reading Kameron's thread. It happens.

If OP outs her husband to the cuckold her husband could end up shot dead. I can almost guarantee you the cops will be taking OP into the station if that happens.

OP ought at least to be warned about that so some safety measures can be taken.

I repeat : 

_Violence has erupted after exposure. Many many times. That is a fact.
_

And where violence erupts, the law is usually not far behind.

Fair enough?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

katt said:


> I called his business and asked if I could get an email address to send a bid request to.


You know where he works, his work phone number, and email. Contacting other woman's husband directly is not going to be a problem. Whether other woman has warned him about a crazy person is not that big a factor either, you have the emails to prove it. Only problem is, just look at some of the threads here, some of these guys have zero self respect and won't leave no matter how bad their wives cheat on them. Some of them even beg their wives to stop the affair and give them another chance to fix themselves.

Other woman was on the married cheater's website, as was your husband, they both knew that someday there might be angry spouses involved, they had to expect AT LEAST exposure, probably hoping it was nothing more than that.

Your husband is responsible for the other woman's husband pain, just as other woman is responsible for yours (which is to say, both are SECONDARILY responsible, as they didn't take vows with you, but still caused you harm). My point being that you have to expect that just like you hate the other woman, the other woman's husband may hate your husband, and may go after him, try to get him fired for improper use of work resources, post him on cheaterville, post things about him on facebook, etc. Your husband is not exempt from the backlash.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Your husband is not exempt from the backlash.


Thank you. Finally some warnings as to the potential consequences.

I am pro exposure. I just thought it ought to be done carefully, not recklessly to cheer-leading.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Not only do you expose her to her SO, but you also expose the affair, along with your husband, to everyone. He should not be exempt from the exposure.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> I think you are taking that out of context.
> 
> What I suggested is that if the OW's boyfriend became violent and acted against OP's husband, that she could become dragged into a police investigation.
> 
> ...


AA, you are laying out the most remote possibilities I can even imagine. While anything is indeed possible, do we really need to be dissuading people from using the most effective weapon we have in our arsenal for getting their lives back on track out of fear of being swallowed by the proverbial python while taking a dump?

These folks are scared enough as it is. We don't need to be force-feeding them Doomsday scenarios to fuel that fear. It just isn't right.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do you expose? Duh, Yeah!!!*


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

3putt said:


> AA, you are laying out the most remote possibilities I can even imagine. While anything is indeed possible, do we really need to be dissuading people from using the most effective weapon we have in our arsenal for getting their lives back on track out of fear of being swallowed by the proverbial python while taking a dump?
> 
> These folks are scared enough as it is. We don't need to be force-feeding them Doomsday scenarios to fuel that fear. It just isn't right.


I am not fueling fear. I did advocate exposing. I just advocate care rather than reckless cheer-leading.

Is it likely to happen?

No.

It's it my butt in the police station?

No.

Seeing as it's not MY butt, I tend to warn people even in unlikely circumstances so they can make an informed decision.

Violence does happen. And OP needs to know she could get caught in the middle of it.

We owe her that warning. I am just shocked that it took two pages before the warning got said.

It's not our butt, so try to offer up more warnings than you would heed if it was your own.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> I am not fueling fear. I did advocate exposing. I just advocate care rather than reckless cheer-leading.
> 
> Is it likely to happen?
> 
> ...


I post if I were posting to myself, a friend or a loved one. I would never offer advice that I wouldn't completely follow myself. Making this into a pissing contest was not my intention. I do believe my intention was clear to most though. If you don't buy or understand what I'm trying to convey, then so be it. There's nothing I can do there.

Curious though. Have you ever before seen ANYONE else on this board lay out your Doomsday scenario the way you so eloquently did?

There's probably a really good reason why you haven't.

Think about it.

Peace


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Allen_A said:


> I honestly don't advocate warning the Other Woman at all.
> 
> Just out her, or don't.
> 
> ...


My point, which you seemed to miss, was that she ALREADY laid out a boundary. Now she has to enforce it, or they will know she was bluffing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

Very good points made by all. Thank you. I called the BF posing to be a client looking for a contractor. I asked for an email to sent a request for bid on a job. He gave me her email address. So I gather that he is less than technically savvy. Now I feel bad because he's a Podunk but even a Podunk doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Right? She told my husband that she was going to nursing school so she could take care of her sick boyfriend...Could that be true? Now I have doubt and anger...
AND...how do I get him the information if I have to go through her? Snail mail will offer the same results I'm afraid. Do I tell him over the phone? "Excuse me sickly old man but your GF is cheating on you with my husband...please don't die"


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

katt said:


> Very good points made by all. Thank you. I called the BF posing to be a client looking for a contractor. I asked for an email to sent a request for bid on a job. He gave me her email address. So I gather that he is less than technically savvy. Now I feel bad because he's a Podunk but even a Podunk doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Right? *She told my husband that she was going to nursing school so she could take care of her sick boyfriend...Could that be true? *Now I have doubt and anger...
> AND...how do I get him the information if I have to go through her? Snail mail will offer the same results I'm afraid. Do I tell him over the phone? "Excuse me sickly old man but your GF is cheating on you with my husband...please don't die"


Waywards LIE...that's what they do best. It's nothing more than deflection. Call him back and fill him in. He's probably in much better shape than your WH.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You call him and ask him for support for your marriage and would like to offer up the same support for his relationship.

And when he asks who this is you tell him you are married to your girlfriend boyfriend.

Or

You then inform him that you have evidence of the affair that his GF and your H are having.
Do not call OW names but be polite and respectful...this guy will be in just as much pain as you are.

So calling and shouting "your wh0re GF is screwing with my man" will get you no were.

calm and professional that's how you expose this to OW boyfriend.

Again this poor guy will be more responsive if you come across as looking for his help and being supportive rather then some nut job.

It will take him time to digest so don't be surprised if he cuts you short...just make sure you give him your contact info just in case he wants to contact you again.

Most likely it will be the OW contacting you instead so be prepared for that bull crap. Then you'll get some sh1t from your old man ...so expect that come your way.


At the end of the day making the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable is always your best option so exposure is very important.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

3putt said:


> Waywards LIE...that's what they do best. It's nothing more than deflection. Call him back and fill him in. He's probably in much better shape than your WH.


The guy is probably healthy as an ox


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

katt said:


> She is in a LT relationship with a man who supports her while she goes to school.


Having read this endearing little nugget of insight into OW's character, can I just say...

Please please PLEASE expose her! Seriously, I am literally drooling in anticipation of your next update.


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## srhgsfjd (Feb 1, 2014)

So...You all were right,


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Yes, but I would dump him too.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Hatred hurts no one but you. However you should out her for the sake of her boyfriend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3putt said:


> Allen, serious question here: Have you ever seen anything CLOSE to this happening with anyone?
> 
> Arrested on conspiracy charges?? LOL....what conspiracy? C'mon, man....that's about as overboard and preposterous a scenario as I have ever heard.


While conspiracy charges sound a bit way out there, we have seen some bad outcomes of exposing.

There was one woman here whose affair partner brought harassment charges against both his ex affair partner and her husband. The AP also filed harassment charges against the woman he had the affair with. Her job was permanently damaged.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

katt said:


> Very good points made by all. Thank you. I called the BF posing to be a client looking for a contractor. I asked for an email to sent a request for bid on a job. He gave me her email address. So I gather that he is less than technically savvy. Now I feel bad because he's a Podunk but even a Podunk doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Right? She told my husband that she was going to nursing school so she could take care of her sick boyfriend...Could that be true? Now I have doubt and anger...
> AND...how do I get him the information if I have to go through her? Snail mail will offer the same results I'm afraid. Do I tell him over the phone? "Excuse me sickly old man but your GF is cheating on you with my husband...please don't die"


Yes, tell him over the phone.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

I found this website after I randomly stumbled upon some emails that my wife had exchanged with her ex several years after we'd been married. Upon further digging, I found out that the OMW had discovered the EA while it was happening (3 years before I saw the emails). The OMW had contacted my wife requesting NC. From what I gather, my wife never initiated contact again but he did. When I found out (again 3 years after the OMW did) I contacted the OMW only to find out that she'd known for years.

My point? As a spouse, I wish the OMW would have contacted me when she found out. I was oblivious to the entire situation and would have loved to have been tipped off. I could have and would have helped end it as he continued contact for 3 years after his spouse found out (until I did).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katt said:


> Very good points made by all. Thank you. I called the BF posing to be a client looking for a contractor. I asked for an email to sent a request for bid on a job. He gave me her email address. So I gather that he is less than technically savvy. Now I feel bad because he's a Podunk but even a Podunk doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Right? She told my husband that she was going to nursing school so she could take care of her sick boyfriend...Could that be true? Now I have doubt and anger...
> AND...how do I get him the information if I have to go through her? Snail mail will offer the same results I'm afraid. Do I tell him over the phone? "Excuse me sickly old man but your GF is cheating on you with my husband...please don't die"


If he is not computer/email savvy, print out a good number of the worst emails... and then put all of them on a memory drive.

Make sure that when you download the email, do it in PDF or test file format.

Go to where he works (or have someone go for you) and hand him the envelope with the printed out emails and the memory device. 

If he works out of his home... set up a meeting with him someplace to discuss whatever your cover story is.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> While conspiracy charges sound a bit way out there, we have seen some bad outcomes of exposing.
> 
> There was one woman here whose affair partner brought harassment charges against both his ex affair partner and her husband. The AP also filed harassment charges against the woman he had the affair with. Her job was permanently damaged.


That's a bad outcome? Hell, that is exactly what I would hope for if I were the BS. The AP filing harassment charges against both would *possibly* result in a TRO against both parties, and that is precisely the result I'm looking for. That's the best outcome, IMO. Nothing busts an affair fog faster than a process server at your door and being legally ordered to not contact one another.

As far as the WW that had her job affected? Well, tough sh!t. you reap what you sow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katt,

I asked you a very important question which you seem to have blown off. 



EleGirl said:


> A question here...
> 
> what are your goals in exposing? This is an important question to ask.


I am a HUGE advocate of exposure, however if your goal is revenge pull back. It will back fire on you.

If your goal is to save your marriage and/or to help her SO be informed so that he can make informed choices about his life.. go for it.

Typically when a person is out for revenge the approach they take is to inform the world. They broadcast the affair to everyone. The fact is that most people do not care if you husband is cheating. They don't care if she is cheating.

If you broadcast it widely you will find out that a good number of those you consider "friends" be supportive of your husband and the OW.

Many people you inform will just not want to be involved in what they see as your drama. Those relationships will end. They do not care.

When you take the approach that exposing is for the purpose of ending the affair and perhaps trying to save your marriage the tactics are much more selective.

Expose first to her SO. Give him the emails and a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He SO will most likely put pressure on her to end the affair and work on their relationship. Giving him the book will help because it will tell him what to do.. and one of the things is no contact to be established. Let him get her out of your life.

Then expose the affair to your husband's family. Do not bad mouth him to them. Simply tell them about the affair, how she has infiltrated your life, your friends, etc. The main point is to ask for their support in ending the affair and saving your marriage.

Next you expose to very close friends only who you feel can be as helpful as family in both supporting ending the affair and saving your marriage.

Exposing to your family is also a good idea as long as they will be helpful, supportive and not just turn on your husband for all time.

If you have not read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley yet you will most likely benefit from it as well.

Be very careful of the scorched earth exposure tactics some will advise you to use.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3putt said:


> That's a bad outcome? Hell, that is exactly what I would hope for if I were the BS. The AP filing harassment charges against both would *possibly* result in a TRO against both parties, and that is precisely the result I'm looking for. That's the best outcome, IMO. Nothing busts an affair fog faster than a process server at your door and being legally ordered to not contact one another.


It’s not a good outcome when the AP keys his own cars, cuts his own tires and tells the cops that the BS husband did it. Then he, the BS, is charged with vandalism, convicted and has to pay legal fees, fines and could end up with jail time.

It did not help that the BS went to her work and punched out the AP in front of everyone and make threats. So he looked guilty as hell.

Exactly how is it a good outcome when the BS ends up paying because the AP was very good at playing the legal system?



3putt said:


> As far as the WW that had her job affected? Well, tough sh!t. you reap what you sow.


In some career fields these things go on the employees records. Living in a small town she might never be able to find a job again that will support her children. So the children suffer.

If the children are both of theirs, this means that the BS will have greater financial responsibility for the children until they are 18.

Destroying the job and reputation of your own spouse (yes even a WS) can have severe financial repercussions of the BS for years to come.

In the case I was talking about, it was a small town. They would have to move to another town for her to find a new job. Finding a new job would be much easier without sexual harassment records and police record for both the WW and the BS.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It’s not a good outcome when the AP keys his own cars, cuts his own tires and tells the cops that the BS husband did it. Then he, the BS, is charged with vandalism, convicted and has to pay legal fees, fines and could end up with jail time.
> 
> It did not help that the BS went to her work and punched out the AP in front of everyone and make threats. So he looked guilty as hell.
> 
> ...


You kind of left out a few of the details the first time around, didn't you Ele? But, again, how often do you see something like this happening? How often do you see a male AP do anything more than tuck tail and run. This guy was obviously psycho, but you can't predict that. Yeah, the guy probably didn't help his case with the assault, but hell, I would've done the same thing.

The point still remains, these are extreme cases that happen very rarely. It's still not enough to scare the bejesus out of people every time they come around looking for help. And it's a waste of time and energy as well.

Tell you what; give me a few months to compile a list of all the affairs that have been busted with nothing more than hurt feelings and embarrassment as an end result and let's compare numbers. Pretty sure my good numbers would far, far, FAR outweigh the bad numbers.

But don't wait for this list to appear any time soon. Gotta feeling it's gonna take some serious time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3putt said:


> You kind of left out a few of the details the first time around, didn't you Ele?


I thought that the first time around I had given enough detail for people to be able to think through the rest of the story. Sometimes I guess it just has to be spelled out.


3putt said:


> But, again, how often do you see something like this happening? How often do you see a male AP do anything more than tuck tail and run. This guy was obviously psycho, but you can't predict that. Yeah, the guy probably didn't help his case with the assault, but hell, I would've done the same thing.


The fact is that sometimes things go badly. Thinking it through to minimize bad outcomes is always a good thing.


3putt said:


> The point still remains, these are extreme cases that happen very rarely. It's still not enough to scare the bejesus out of people every time they come around looking for help. And it's a waste of time and energy as well.


Who is trying to scare the bejesus out of the OP? Instead someone just raised an alternative point of view and others started to attack his point of view. It is ok, and even helpful to have alternative points of view.


3putt said:


> Tell you what; give me a few months to compile a list of all the affairs that have been busted with nothing more than hurt feelings and embarrassment as an end result and let's compare numbers. Pretty sure my good numbers would far, far, FAR outweigh the bad numbers.


There is on way to collect just numbers. 


3putt said:


> But don't wait for this list to appear any time soon. Gotta feeling it's gonna take some serious time.


That’s right, I don’t’ think that anyone is collecting numbers on the bad outcomes of exposing… or of the manner in which an affair is exposed.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I thought that the first time around I had given enough detail for people to be able to think through the rest of the story. Sometimes I guess it just has to be spelled out.
> 
> The fact is that sometimes things go badly. Thinking it through to minimize bad outcomes is always a good thing.
> 
> ...


This is so pointless, I'm not even going to address it any longer. Y'all just keep on keeping on with your Doomsday scenarios to betrayed newbies that comes along. I don't have anymore time for this nonsense. Watch out for that shark in the shower.

Ridiculous


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3putt said:


> This is so pointless, I'm not even going to address it any longer. Y'all just keep on keeping on with your Doomsday scenarios to betrayed newbies that comes along. I don't have anymore time for this nonsense. Watch out for that shark in the shower.
> 
> Ridiculous


:scratchhead:


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

3putt said:


> This is so pointless, I'm not even going to address it any longer. Y'all just keep on keeping on with your Doomsday scenarios to betrayed newbies that comes along. I don't have anymore time for this nonsense. Watch out for that shark in the shower.
> 
> Ridiculous


It does not happen often no.

But...

It happens often enough that the betrayed spouse here deserves a warning that it might happen.

I for one think that warning is as important as warning a BS that they are getting cheated on in the first place.

It's not your life 3p. These betrayed spouses that come here deserve a warning to the potential fallout as much as anyone.

Are you prepared to pay for court costs if this situation goes south? You paying the OP's court costs are even less likely than the law getting involved here. lol

You push your goals and expectations on a betrayed spouse when you withhold warnings :



3putt said:


> That's a bad outcome? Hell, that is exactly what I would hope for if I were the BS. The AP filing harassment charges against both would possibly result in a TRO against both parties, and that is precisely the result I'm looking for. That's the best outcome, IMO. Nothing busts an affair fog faster than a process server at your door and being legally ordered to not contact one another.


Did it ever occur to you that the betrayed spouse posting here might not want that legal hassle? Did it ever occur to you that they might not be equipped emotionally to deal with it?

Inform posters fully about what could happen, the most likely scenario, and less likely scenarios. Not just the scenarios that suit your disposition.

Shark in the shower? Don't you think that's just a tad less likely than this escalating into the law getting involved?

I have read many cases of the law having to get involved where infidelity happens. I have never run into a shark in my shower.

I say that's hardly a fair comparison of likelihoods.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> *I say that's hardly a fair comparison of likelihoods.*


It's about as likely as a conspiracy charge.  But I'm done with this discussion. You guys do what you want to do.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

katt said:


> So...You all were right, he was cheating on me for the past year  The woman was someone he met on an affair site and they began to chat off line. She even joined his Networking group and befriended our friends.
> She is in a LT relationship with a man who supports her while she goes to school.
> Within 24 hours I knew her name, BF name #'s business #'s home # and address. I know the street she grew up on. (amazing I can do all this and didn't know my husband was cheating for a year).
> Anyway... I sent her an email and told her to disappear from my husbands Facebook, Network Groups, Linkedin, unfriend all our friends and just go away or I would send her BF all the e-mails I found in his secret account that I hacked. I gave her 24 hours and it took her 15. Then four days later she sends my husband a FB message and I responded. She is truly attached to him and knowing that I will expose her she chooses to reach out to him anyway.
> ...


YES expose her, her BF deserves to know what he has attached himself to. He deserves to make informed life choices.

BTW : YOU are my personal hero right now. LOVE LOVE LOVE what you did with the bowl. :smthumbup:


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Katt,
> 
> I asked you a very important question which you seem to have blown off.
> 
> ...


I apologize for "blowing you off" I am merely overwhelmed. Of course two weeks after I found out about my husband my sister went into the hospital with the Flu and passed away Monday. 
ANYWAY...my objective is to of course cause damage to her because I feel my life has been torn apart why should she be spared, but also what about this poor guy who supports this woman thinking she is his faithful partner? I don't want to expose anyone to the world because no one wins that game. I love my husband and I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want them to judge him...and I don't want to look like a fool for marrying a man who cheated on the wife before me.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

JR&JR said:


> I found this website after I randomly stumbled upon some emails that my wife had exchanged with her ex several years after we'd been married. Upon further digging, I found out that the OMW had discovered the EA while it was happening (3 years before I saw the emails). The OMW had contacted my wife requesting NC. From what I gather, my wife never initiated contact again but he did. When I found out (again 3 years after the OMW did) I contacted the OMW only to find out that she'd known for years.
> 
> *My point? As a spouse, I wish the OMW would have contacted me when she found out. I was oblivious to the entire situation and would have loved to have been tipped off. I could have and would have helped end it as he continued contact for 3 years after his spouse found out (until I did).*


This says it all. Expose. Katt, I think you are giving your H too much of a pass here. He needs consequences too.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Not exposing is lying by omission. 'Tell the truth and shame the Devil'.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

katt said:


> ...and I don't want to look like a fool for marrying a man who cheated on the wife before me.


Aahhh so you are married to a serial cheater? 

I wonder if yours is like mine? Charming, loving, helpful, funny. Very very lovable in many ways. I thought I had found the one I had always been looking for but never knew existed when I found him. And then he turned into something else. He is a Jekyll and Hyde of a man. Damaged. Some kind of sex obsession and major kink within him. 2 very different people that don't go together!

Now? I don't know who or what he is. I have given up on any hope of R. He hasn't got the actions to match the words.

I was the fool that is you right now, thought I could have a decent R with someone who I found out to have cheated on all significant exes. How wrong I was. Such a long time to realise that though. He always gave enough crumbs to give hope. I hope your R is better than mine, and that you you don't become the fool that I am right now. 

And what are you waiting for with that exposure?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

katt said:


> I apologize for "blowing you off" I am merely overwhelmed. Of course two weeks after I found out about my husband my sister went into the hospital with the Flu and passed away Monday.
> ANYWAY...my objective is to of course cause damage to her because I feel my life has been torn apart why should she be spared, but also what about this poor guy who supports this woman thinking she is his faithful partner? I don't want to expose anyone to the world because no one wins that game. I love my husband and I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want them to judge him...and I don't want to look like a fool for marrying a man who cheated on the wife before me.


Katt, 

You need to tell some close friends to create your support group. You have support online and now you need F2F support .

Secondly, if your husband is a serial cheater, then he never had an opportunity to learn a lesson. So, in case OMBF will go for revenge, maybe it will be a lesson your H needs to learn. So, I would take the risk.

But please, don't send the message to the whole world. 

Also, be prepared that you start the process you won't be able to control.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Aerith said:


> Katt,
> 
> You need to tell some close friends to create your support group. You have support online and now you need F2F support .
> 
> ...


Spectacular! 

:iagree:


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Katt 

Sorry for your lose, I don't know if it was your SIL or your sister.. But regardless its crazy with all of this going on..

Unfortunately, understand this very clearly.. These types of things have a expiration date.. I waited and lost my wife.. hindsight being 20/20 it was the best thing for me.. 

I was in your shoes *( you can read my story in my signature link. Labeled mymistake )* in which I was in love with my wife.. I could not see my life without her.. 

So I waited and gave my wife more time to lie to me and eventually kick me to the curb for this other man. She left me and our kids for the most part for this other man.

When I started dating again after 19 years I started meeting woman who financially better, physically better and younger than my Ex Trust me when I say my Ex was a looker. I won't take that away from her. At the time she made me look good standing next to me. 

Today I'm with a woman 9 years younger than my Ex, makes much more money than my Ex by about 100k and very much more better looking. 

A friend of mine posted a comment on my FB page as I vented blindly about my Ex.. No one knew if it was my EX or my job or even the GF.. But nonetheless a friend commented *"dude I seen the profile pic with your girlfriend, Trust me you won.. "*

Even my GF said what I am telling you about dating.. Every man she dated showed her there are many people in this world better than her Ex.. 

The sad part is that everyone here can tell you exactly what to do and say but you just are not going to do it. You will do it your way and half A$$ it because of this *"Love"* you have for your husband. 

Shame he doesn't have this *"LOVE"* for you.. 
Everyone has their own time of figuring this stuff all out.. 

Let me tell you realizing my Ex was faking sex with me for 4 months was crushing.. To realize it was all a lie.. I felt like I raped her. I felt like a piece of sh1t.. 

Trust me this stuff isn't easy.. I go to therapy once a week for over a year.. In the beginning it was twice a week.. In the first 4 months alone I spent 3500 dollars in therapy.. 

I never knew this would crush me like it did. I never knew it would play these mind games on me and put me in such a broken emotional state when dealing with relationships.. My GF takes some sh1t from me for the sake of loving me. Only because she has been through it does she understand and is willing to stick it out because she can see the good person in side me.

But trust me she is the 3rd woman that has commented that they feared my anger and rage..

I thought being the tough cop and honestly seeing all I did, I could handle this.. But I couldn't..

Sadly it is obvious you are just not ready to do what is required. You will languish in this state until it is too late. Until he has lost all respect for you and then leaves you.. You will be standing there trying to figure out how he could do this to you being the loving woman you were to him.. All the stuff you dealt with about him in the past.. All you both have been through together.. The ups and the downs, the great moments with the kids.. ETC.. 

I know because I went through all of this.. 

I loved vanilla ice cream and even when it wasn't on my shelves anymore I still loved it for some time.. But once I realized I couldn't get vanilla anymore I had to go try other flavors.. I just had no choice.. 

Once I did, Wow... What an A$$ I was.. 

I cried for 7 months, night and day for my wife.. If there was some magic potion or pill I would have bought it regardless of the price and used it.. Though I wasn't a religious person I prayed to GOD a lot during those times.. Those times stripped whatever faith I had.. 

But today beyond my short comings from the trauma of what my Ex did and how she ended our 19 year marriage, I am a completely much better man.. I have more money.. less bills and a hot, hard working GF who loves or tries her best to show me she does.. 

But honestly again I never seen this or opened my eyes to this until I was ready.. I had a lot of support in work and out of work and with the only 2 family members I have which are my mother and brother *( that is the total extent of my relatives )* and of course here on TAM.

Do what you can. But trust me the clock keeps ticking for the both of you.. 

Good luck


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

So I called the OW's husband and on the 6th attempt he picked up. I explained who I was and that I needed help convincing her to stop calling my husband. I told him a few key details and that I wanted to send him the emails I had on the computer. He said he would call me back with a "safe" email. Poor guy "doesn't use a computer" and has no idea what his email address is. The didn't sound sickly, he sounded like a nice guy. He thanked me for the information and said he looked forward to know more. I struggled with calling him because sometime I wish I could go back to my ignorant bliss but I'd rather be in charge of my future and I thought he should too. I hope this works out ok...

At home I found his "personal document" he has kept this to himself and has chastised me for wanting to see it. Yesterday he left it open on his computer, I think because he wanted me to see it. It was a list of 59 reasons "because you..." I don't know what they are reasons for but my guess it they are reasons why he should cheat. Maybe its makes him feel better to remind himself of all the EVIL things I've done. Whatever...I'm getting to the point I just don't care anymore and that is a little scary for me. I'm beginning to see that this is his loss and my gain. I can see now that he is not the man I thought he was and I'll be alright w/o him.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

No indicators of remorse. Ya. If that's all has the wherewithal to do is criticize you when your back is turned, on top of the cheating you know what you are dealing with.

You do know where you stand. Knowing what are dealing with is empowering. I know it does not feel that way now, but it will give you what you need to persevere.

Out OW anyways. No matter what you and your husband do, the guy the OW is duping has a right to as informed a decision as you do.

What I would suggest though, is that if this guy is NOT good with a computer, do not use that to communicate.

I would also suggest using the phone to make sure you know you are indeed talking to him rather than OW. If he's not good with a PC it will be easy for OW to find any safe email accounts and to guess his passwords. When you just talk in email it's always possible you aren't even talking to the person you think you are.

Use a phone, go meet him someplace, a restaurant or something. Make sure whenever you communicate you verify it is indeed him you are talking to.

You may also want to give him a quick prep course in dealing with the news too. You don't want him buying OW gifts to "win her back". When we give news like this, I think it's the responsible thing to give people some tools to prepare themselves to cope with the news as well.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Your hubby is still selfish and drowning in self pity.

And even if the OW stops calling, it wont matter until he WANTS to stop answering.

Regardless, you took a big step towards regaining control of your future.

Congrats. That warm feeling you feel is self respect.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

illwill said:


> Your hubby is still selfish and drowning in self pity.
> 
> And even if the OW stops calling, it wont matter until he WANTS to stop answering.
> 
> ...


Never mind stop answering.. he needs to get a new damn phone number!!!


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

**Update**
The OW's husband gave me this mother's email address. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. A week later the OW calls my husband upset stating that I threatened her and that she will get a restraining order if I don't back off. She also asked my husband to tell me to stop and to call her tomorrow. She even said that she wants to continue their relationship. He refused and asked her to stop calling.
I emailed her husband and told him of the conversation. It's clear she will not stop on her own. I'm a little concerned that this women is unstable.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Record any phone calls you make from now on. You can buy a VOR for under thirty bucks.

If you have conf calling, then include his mother in the calls or something. You don't want to end up with you talking to her husband in private extensively.

She's going to thrash about. You have finally gone on the offensive and she does not like it.

I wouldn't worry much about a restraining order, you aren't doing anything that she's not doing are you?

You could just as easily throw the same threat at her.

Don't. Just be prepared for her to thrash about and to throw tantrums.

I would strongly suggest keeping in contact with the husband.

From this point on, IF your husband is showing cooperativeness, make these calls conference calls and include him on the line.

The TWO of you call HER up and HER HUSBAND so all FOUR of you are on the phone.

The TWO of you make it clear to their household that you don't want her causing any more trouble.

If SHE is the only one of the four of you causing trouble at this point, that phone call will confirm it.

Again, record that phone call. Find out the laws in your state regarding recording conversations. In many cases, as long as you are a party to the conversation, you don't need their permission to record the call.

If you do NOT need to warn them they are being recorded, then don't even warn them. Just hit record and start the call.

The record of the call is for your protection legally.

a. don't make threats
b. don't yell
c. don't name call
d. don't make immature commentary

Just stick to the facts, and make it crystal clear you want her to stay away, BOTH of you.

If you BOTH make it clear to her, ON RECORD, and she continues, then you may have to take this a step further.

But in most cases I can't imagine you would have to do that.

This all depends on how on point your husband is here. If he's wavering or just telling you what you want to hear, then you are headed for trouble.

Buy a VOR to record the phone calls.

Keep the pressure on her, just don't do anything illegal or immature.

That first call to the BF is the hardest part, they get easier.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Question : why on earth has your husband not CHANGED his PHONE number yet?

Insist that he change the number.

When he tells her to stop calling, but doesn't change his phone number he's sending her mixed messages.

Instruct him to make the message clear that he does not want to hear from her by CHANGING his darn number. Talk does nothing. Instruct him to change his number.

Or at LEAST BLOCK her number until he gets a new number.

Same with his email address. Same with all other internet accounts she can leave a message on (facebook, twitter, etc). He changes ALL of these to new accounts she won't easily recognize. THAT is how he tells her it's over.

You two can't expect an affair to end without cutting off the communication lines.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

katt said:


> **Update**
> The OW's husband gave me this mother's email address. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. A week later the OW calls my husband upset stating that I threatened her and that she will get a restraining order if I don't back off. She also asked my husband to tell me to stop and to call her tomorrow. She even said that she wants to continue their relationship. He refused and asked her to stop calling.
> I emailed her husband and told him of the conversation. It's clear she will not stop on her own. I'm a little concerned that this women is unstable.


You need to expose OW even farther. Copy and past her FB contact list then send out the messages.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Exactly.

Initial exposure ought to be limited, just her BF maybe.

And if OW keeps pushing you, then you push back with a wider scope exposure.

Contact her family members in facebook for example.

Keep exposing with increasing scope until she backs off.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

I would expose high and wide until OW cowers away. Splitting up the exposure like this into bits and pieces makes it easier for OW to cover her tracks.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Any news Katt?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> Do I expose OW???


F'in A you expose the OW!!!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Allen is spot on with everything he said! 

The OW in my case threatened "harassment charges" in my case, too. It's all BS anyway, it's a power play that they can't even follow through with because if you aren't contacting them personally, they have no legal say in it.
I would call her bluff, but that's me. Either way, your husband needs to block her number and you guys need to be a united front with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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