# no wonder he likes watching cheaters



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

ok here we go my husband tells me two weeks ago that he doesnt love me doesnt know if he wants to stay married ect. He says all this is his problem and I have to let him sort it out because its all his fault. So the last couple weeks im going through hell wringing my hands trying to figure out how to save our seventeen yr marriage. Then today hes out with my son and makes the tragic mistake of leaving his car keys behind. You guessed it I snoop in the car and find the sweetest little note for him and signed by blank and ps looking forward to spending our future together. Complete with the little lipstick kiss mark. Incredible. Any way my question is should i confront or not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

i want to tell him because i think it would be fair for him to say yes im sleeping with this other girl thats why i dont want to hug you or tell you i luv you anymore instead of all that crap he told me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As hard as it may be because you are so hurt and pissed off right now I say sit on this info for a short period. Take a few days to get some things in order, divide your savings account, cap you credit card max to as low as possible, maybe even talk to an attorney. You need to decide what you want going foreward, try and save the marriage or finish things and divorce. Either way he needs to see you are serious, no wishy washy crap. If he stays his life becomes an open book, if he leaves there's no coming back. 

Get your ducks in a row and confront him. Don't show him the note until he's lied himself into a hole, and he will lie, cheaters all do. Be prepared for the worst though, he may be relieved you know because he is done with the marriage and want's out, that's why you need to be prepared.

Cooper


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

woops got your text to late did confront him but not with the note just told him i felt like he was seeing someone denied it of course but did manage to get out of him that he doesnt want to be married anymore. I asked him did he think if we got help and he said if he had of spoken up earlier that it might have helped. well aint that something because he didnt speak up now the whole seventeen years and life together down the drain. he says its lots of things but alot of it is that i never put him first. i am so tired of this im so tired of crying. At least i got an answer though He doesnt want to be married. so now he says its totally up to me whether we file for a divorce or he moves out or we just sleep in seperate beds. I have no idea of course i really dont want to be around him after all that. but i have to think about the boys too 17 and 12 sorry about the rambling this just happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I think it's weird that he wants out, but tells you it's your choice on whether to divorce. Why would you stay with someone who made it clear they don't want the life you've built together, and who you know has a girl on the side. According to her note, the future he wants is with her. How about asking him to get out immediately, don't give him time to plan how he'll leave. No, that would be too generous...he has that other chick, let her help him figure out what to do.

It would be different if he wanted to work on your marriage, but from what you've said he doesn't. It may just be best to divorce him. Talk to an attorney, and make sure you and your kids are taken care of above all else.

And about him saying he wants out because YOU didn't put him first...he didn't put you or your family first either. You know, so many people think that the grass is greener (hence why they cheat). But I heard a saying somewhere that's true: the grass is only greener where you water it. In other words, while he could've been working on your marriage, he was running around with some girl. So he can't possibly blame this on you.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well i think what he really meant was when or how we get a divorce . The things you said are true he doesnt want to work it out and it wouldnt matter if he is or isnt cheating bottom line hes unhappy and he feels like when hes not married to me the happiness will just be there. who knows maybe hes right but im still angry because i think its selfish mentality. thats not commitment except to oneself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I am sorry you are hurting, this is just what happened to me with my ex-wife. I do want to say that I now have a better wife and am much happier. My kids got through the divorce much, much better than I expected. Iit takes to to tangle, if he does not want to work on it you are in trouble.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well thanks chuck thats great for you youll forgive me if im not all that comforted by your post since i havent had the opportunity for growth like you have. why are you even reading trouble with infidelity anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So now you know where he stands, he wants out of the marriage and went ahead and started another life before finishing his business with you, typical cheating coward.

I don't know where you live but here in Ohio you can go to the local court house and get a separation agreement and fill it out and file it without an attorney. I would do that first thing, it will offer you some protection. And do not leave your home, he needs to leave. Infidelity means nothing to the court here in Ohio, but some states will hold it against him if you can prove it, which can be hard. FreeAdvice Legal Forum is a great site to get info from, staffed by lawyers I always found their advise to be right on the money. For your own good go to this site and ask some questions.

Please be careful with every step you take, do not let your decisions be clouded by angry and pain. And please, protect the kids feelings, they don't need all the dirty details but they also can't wake up tomorrow and be told their father no longer lives here. Don't think of the past 17 years as wasted, I did that in the beginning, 20 years of life down the drain. I will always hate my ex for her conduct at the end of our marriage but constant hate shrinks your heart into a little black stone, and that's no way to live. I am 8 months after my divorce and am constantly amazed how good life can be if you let it.

I am sorry things have turned out this way for you, but you really have no other choice but to move foreward, he has made it clear.

Cooper


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

thankyou cooper you are a true gentleman. I am headed into church i am gonna make this a good day for my twelve year old . we are still a family and a family with love with or without nothing can change that. congrats on getting through your situation. you sound like a strong person. and you give sound advice. thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

chuck very sorry i was snippy with you earlier. i am happy you have a better wife. you were just being honest
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks for the compliments but honestly the "getting through your situation" is kind of off the mark. Don't take offense to that statement, let me explain. When there are kids involved I don't think you ever get through it, you learn to deal with the situation or live a life of hell. With no kids you get divorced and move on with your lives, maybe even never seeing each other again. But with kids..... Remember the marriage vow of "till death do you part"? Well, when you have kids that one kind of sticks, even after divorce. It is always a struggle to see my ex, but I keep my mouth shut and bare it, though I have wished for a well placed meteor strike! 

So how did things go today? I'm glad to hear you went to church. I am not a religious man but one thing I always get of church is it makes me look at the positive aspects of life. The road ahead is very difficult for you, your emotions will swing from wanting to string your husband up by fish hooks to willing to do and accept anything to have your old life back. Use anything and everyone for support(except the kids, not fair to them). 

Let us know how your doing. 

Cooper


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Cooper. Church was good. It just helps to have somewhere I can be and be away from the house. Yeah all this is just sinking in and most of the day I have felt quite bipolar. I know im in for a long hall. I wont involve the kids thats the part im saddest about i think because the oldest had his dad the whole time and its like the little one is being shortchanged. I go from sad to angry to hateful to pitiful. sometimes as forrest gump say there arnt enough rocks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kville3 (Oct 17, 2009)

Grab the note and go straight to the lawyer. No reason for screwing around and feeling bad, I know it sucks I'm going through it myself right now. HE broke your marriage contract, you did nothing wrong and deserve better.


----------



## Princesa (Oct 25, 2009)

NOIDEATO20: I know EXACTLY what you are going through, and you are going to church so THERE IS HOPE, YOU MARRIAGE CAN AND WILL CHANGE.... I can tell you from experience that my husband left me for over a year for another woman, I HAD MY WORLD TURN UPSIDE DOWN, I was a reck and became VERY ILL several times. Then I changed because I loved him with all my heart) and I refused to give up. Whenever he came around to see our daughter, I showed him UNCONDITIONAL love, no personal questions, no type of nagging, just a warm smile and even though I saw no hope, I held on in faith. And believed me, he walked away thinking (hmm this is not the same person, he was curious to know more), but the changes really do come from your heart and it will take time, but it WILL HAPPEN, when you married, you married TILL DEATH DO YOU PART, so hold on, he will come back. It has been a long process (2 years) but so much has taken place and we are now working on a reconciliation. We have both changed. Here is a helpful website that helped me: Restored Marriages - Rejoice Marriage Ministries Stop Divorce Christian Bookstore Helping the Hurting Marriage 
God bless
P.S. Changes in you can never be done by yourself (God changed me)


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

thanks to kville3 and princesa. i think all day long i just read post after post looking for answers. i dont know what end is up kinda like cooper said last night i was feeling strong and resolved. tonight im sitting here listening to him watching tv and i cant even stand to hear him laugh because im thinking how can you find any happiness when our lives are in turmoil. but then again maybe he got some alone time with the ow today. CRAP!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kville3 (Oct 17, 2009)

Thinking about it does no good. Thinking of the other woman does no good at all. When I think of my soon to be ex wife with her little fling it makes me sick to my stomach, I want to throw up. It is bad for you and will acheive nothing but driving yourself insane. Confront him, kick his ass out, go to the lawyer keep the note as evidence. Sorry to be blunt and I know right now your trying to think of any possible way to resolve this without leaving, I did. But bottom line is, you will feel much better when you have someone who LOVES you, someone who does what your husband has done, has lost their love.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It sucks to be where your at right now, nothing can fix that. But a plan of action can help, my suggestions have been geared toward divorce because you said he isn't interested in talking and will just go along with whatever you decide. Really a cop out on his part, leaves all the dirty work and hard decisions up to you. But what do you want?? Could you forgive and try and save the marriage? Princeas's power of forgiveness blew me away, I could never do that but we are all different. I am happier without my ex, Princeas is happy she stayed and worked it out. You and your husband really need to sit down and figure out what to do, figure it out together. Living in limbo will eat you up.

Cooper


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

There really isnt any point in us talking about it again. He said he doesnt want to be married . I guess you cant get any plainer than that. The thing is mainly with our oldest its his senior yr so he doesnt want to change anything. I feel bad to but if I dont change my thinking or something there is no way im gonna even make it through the holidays. its kind of like he doesnt love me but he just gets all emotional about missing the kids and all that. I dont even know what hes thinking I wouldnt be able to stand it . Im sure he wants things to stay the same. but once you say i dont want to be married and i dont want counseling how can they be the same. He says i dont blame you for any feelings your having but sometimes I just feel like im not being allowed to feel. no one at work knows no one at home knows his parents dont know. theres like one girl at church I told and then you guys on this website. Right now im just letting the situation take me where it will and your right theres a part of me that goes to bed and thinks in the morning hes gonna wake up and just say what was i thinking of course i luv u of course i cant bust up our lives. i am having to take 50 mg of benadryl everynight just so i will be asleep when he gets in bed so i wont become anxious and angry and try to argue with him again. Yes I can ask him to sleep on the couch but then the kids are gonna for sure know. im not saying anything new here im sure this is old news. im just waiting to grow a pair i guess. i guess until some of the hurt goes away and more of the anger comes i really feel stuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

That's why you feel like you're not being allowed to feel--you're acting like nothing is going on to keep up appearances. You're putting up this enormous facade, and for what really? If he wants out, people are going to know eventually including the kids, so you shouldn't be the one to have to put up a front. Please don't take offense, but it's cowardly of him (in my opinion) to expect you to act like everything is fine. First he asks you to be the one to take initiative with the divorce, then you have to be quiet about the whole thing.

You're even forcing yourself not to talk to him at night and gain closure...but why? So he can sleep better at night? You're making this so easy on him, but it's hurting you. I'm not saying you should start an argument, but he owes it to you to talk. You don't have to try to convince him to stay, but get out all the things on your chest.

I know when I had a conversation with my husband about the other woman, my questions ranged from "why did you do it?" to "is she better than me in bed?". And he let me ask him anything (still does today), and he answered truthfully. Your husband owes you that much.


----------



## kville3 (Oct 17, 2009)

Right now you can't think with your emotions. You need to push your emotions aside and think rationally. I'm in the same boat as Cooper, I can't imagine being as forgiving as Princeas. 

He is not going to change. You need to start making plans for your future. Even if he did wake up in the morning and pretend things were better, 5 or 10 years down the road you do not want to be going through this again. 

Start looking at it like a business transaction. You need to look out for yourself and do what is best for you now. Emotions will not help this process.

You need to be strong for yourself, set an example for your kids, show them that what he is doing is wrong. Of course he wants things to stay the same, he doesn't want his kids to see him for the terrible things he has done. He is being a coward and forcing you to do all of the hard work to try and cover for the bad that he has done to your family.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

silvernblack wont do any good to ask him about her. He says he isnt and hasnt. plus the note doesnt have his name on it just babycakes and at the end remember i luv u and am looking forward to our future together. i can hear it now he wont admit it he will prob say it was meant as joke or something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kville3 (Oct 17, 2009)

Don't tolerate the lies. You don't deserve it. If he can't be honest with you its not worth it... sure is easy on the outside looking in. A few weeks ago everyone told me my wife was cheating and I would NOT believe it.


----------



## Princesa (Oct 25, 2009)

Cooper and Kville3: you seem like strong people who don't tolerate lies and cheating, if u dont mind me asking, how many chances did you give to your ex and how long did it take before u sed enough is enough to get over them. Unfortuneately, it really is hard to think straight knowing that you are being cheated on. I know the feeling of being scared of the future, feeling alone, but it does help to get hobbies. In the end the only one you will listen to is your heart. THE GREAT FIGHT BETWEEN OUR MINDS AND OUR HEARTS LOL!!!!!!!! Man did i fight dat battle, my mind said "I HATE HIM, I WISH HIM BAD and i added da evil laugh MUUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA" wit da song WATS LOVE GOT TO DO WIT IT GOT TO DO WIT IT  , my heart said "ITS NOT HIM, HE IS POSSESSED, HE IS IN THERE SOMEWHERE" wit da song AND IIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

princesa i totally get what your saying but when youve been phyically ignored for quite a while and then you find out someone elses needs are being met while you have been practically begging forgiveness isnt first on your list. in fact today its dead last and im seriously thinking of getting a recording device
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Princesa (Oct 25, 2009)

Noideato20: a recording device 4 what? I saw som of ur other post; u still live wit hubby? Dang, dat must be hard 2 be in da same place wit ur hubby givin sum1 else wats rightfully yours. Forgiveness can be hard when there is no repentance from da other person. However, you know that after 17 years, he still has a special connection 2 you and no other person cud ever take ur place. You are a BEAUTIFUL person and he WILL SEE DAT SOONER OR LATER... NO ONE GETS AWAY WIT DOING BAD!!!!!!!!!!! There is always JUSTICE, and then when his world comes crashing down, you know who he's gonna run to? YOU!!!!!!!!! Then its up to you to forgive or not. The question is, do you want to live without him, do you feel peace when you're not around him? You are right, forgiveness isn't first on da list and neither is reconciliation. Off the record, do you know what I found one day that got me upset, there was a website for TOW the other woman, are you kidding me.............. I know I know, we are not to bash those homewreckers LOL  it does take two.


----------



## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Princesa is on point! My husband cheated with a co-worker & they still get to work and eye one another 10 hours, 6 days a week. She actually spends more time with him than I do, so why should I tire myself and worry if they are still together or not - he never admitted to the truth anyway, right? Well... I took my hobby and focused on it when before my life had been ALL ABOUT MY MAN. Now my hobby is my full-time job & I love, love, love it! Now that he sees me moving forward AND making money, he's in my face grinning. Now it's me who ignores him & he's finally listening and hanging on it every word I say. Yes our marriage will probably end soon but for now I have '0' worries about my future without him. Lemons & lemonade flows freely in my dreams. I have encouraged myself to remain in OUR home while I work on getting my business going where I won't need to stress on his evil intent and cheating anymore. The last thing I'm interested in is who (if anyone) he's stepping out behind my back with. I know in my heart I could never trust him again. If he loved me he would have never let flirting go to the extreme of having sex - period, point blank.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Princesa I would like to answer your question. If my wife's affair had been a one time thing I may have been able to work past it. But her bad behavior covered many years, I wont say she was having affairs all those years but the lies and deceit was a constant in our marriage. In the end she took the first step and spoke to an attorney, a friend sent me a note telling me what she was up to and that gave me time to get some things in order to protect myself. At that point I will say we were both relieved to get it over with, sad but true. 

Noideato20, Kville3 gave you a good piece of advice by suggesting you treat this like a business going foreward. That's exactly the approach I used when going through my divorce, as a matter of fact we spent our 20th. annv. by having dinner and working out the details of our divorce. I hate her guts but I didn't let that interfere with the reality of what needed to be done. Have you gone to that legal advice forum I suggested? 

Cooper


----------



## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Thanks for sharing Cooper. I hope that soon I can follow your path. Good luck to you!


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

no cooper i did get some info on divorce in texas. a friend of mine told me it would be about eight hundred dollars even if we didnt have dissagreements. i will check out the other site tomm this seems like it will be harder than just going to the courthouse. also read it would be like sixty days after before final and texas doesnt recognise seperations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

noideato20 said:


> no cooper i did get some info on divorce in texas. a friend of mine told me it would be about eight hundred dollars even if we didnt have dissagreements. i will check out the other site tomm this seems like it will be harder than just going to the courthouse. also read it would be like sixty days after before final and texas doesnt recognise seperations.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm in Texas, so I can share what I know (since I was going to file for divorce). If it's uncontested, you shouldn't be paying more than $250...and that's if you serve him the papers. Divorce in Texas takes at least 61 days to be final. If you're not going to get an attorney, you might as well get the forms for free and do it yourself. There's a site you can get them from that has instructions. I can send you the link if you'd like.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

silvernblack where would you send the link to would you just post it you mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I just sent you a private message with the link...I'm not sure we're allowed to post links, even though the link is to a non-profit website.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

silvernblack does that go to my email?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

thanks silvernblack. I found it on the site I thought it was going to my email and I was like EEEEAAAKKK! you might notice I only do my posts and everything from my phone. Anyway thank you very much. Fixing to do some surfing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

You'd have to login to this forum, then look in your private messages section. But I can direct you to the forms. Go to the Texas Law Help website, and go to the "Family Law & Domestic Violence" section. From there, click on "Divorce/Free Forms", and then download what you need. They have all the forms, covering divorce with and without children and even annulments (which are really hard to get in TX). Don't forget to read the info they have about divorcing in TX, it's really helpful.


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Oops lol, I posted before I saw you found it.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am feeling for you right now, this is awful. This is exactly what happened to me 14 months ago. Just prior to that my H was pulling away from me. Still saying he loved me, still having sex, etc. But I just felt it and he was spending a lot of time with a girl who was "just a friend". When he took her to a strip club I understandly took issue. My H isn't even someone who goes to strip clubs, who was this guy? Well his excuse his buddy asked him to go and the girls just joined. He didn't know. 

Long story short he told me he was no longer in love with me, it was him, not me,blah blah blah but no he wasn't having an affair. Like you, I needed proof. You need it so bad so you can put an end to it. I resorted to his computer and like a fool he left open his email and didn't realize all his email was getting saved to his sent box. He deleted his inbox and trash but there he was sending her nude pictures of himself. I call him (he's with her on a date! But claimed to be alone at the movies) and denies it. Says its a joke...just as your H would say about the letter. I said its not a joke and you are having an affair and I can hear her in the background so you are not alone! He still denied it, got angry with me for being so nosy and this was all my fault. 

I was done, I told him not to come home he does not live here and I changed the locks! 

Suddenly this man who said he didn't love me anymore realized he lost everything. He wasn't in love with her, never was. In fact to this day he will tell you he was a complete ass (and he was pretty mentally abusive to me for a period of 3 months or so...that's another story) and he had what he wanted all along. He would agree that what damaged our marriage was that he let her in at all. 

I am telling you this story because as long as I was wishy washy and believed in him, he took further advantage of me and that is where the mental abuse comes in. I needed closure and if I didn't find that proof I had to end it anyway. I began having anxiety attacks, insomnia, weight loss, and other problems. 

We are reconciling but I'm struggling terribly right now. This has all taken such a toll so all I can say is I am so sorry for you. 

Take the steps necessary to get to closure, this stage that you are in right now will destroy you and your kids will be affected. They will get through a divorce and there is no time for a divorce but watching you slowly destroy yourself trying to keep up a facade for a man who doesn't even care at all what he is doing to you is not the best thing for anyone. He wants you to file for divorce as a way of putting blame on you. That way if its a mistake and he wants back in, he could always say "well you wanted the divorce not me".


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well it does make you feel better to know your not alone, although im very sorry for you to and I dont know how you survived that long without going nutso. I have lost weight and no matter how hard I try to keep busy, Its there, its there, its there and hes there. You know its like I said I sometimes wish he would wake up and turn around before its too late, but in alot of ways it probably is to late. Once they say those words, i dont feel the same way, or I dont want to be married. However they say it its said. Theres no going back, cats out of the bag, horse has left the stable and all that jazz. Im never gonna forget it because he broke my trust. Hes the one person I thought I could always count on and he let me down in the worst way possible. Just Sucks that it. And right now the worst part is he seems totally insensitive about it. Like oh well I dont want that. He said part of the problem was that I didnt put him first, well hes making up for it now, hes unhappy and he doesnt care who he takes down with him. Anyway you have to be a very strong person or theres no way you could have dealt with all that. If he doesnt appreciate you I bet theres plenty out there that will!!!!!!!!


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well I havent posted on here for a while. Actually got proof positive now heard him talking on the phone trying to reach her called her baby and said he loved her. Yep thats definetly proof. Definetly not talking to me. Man I swear I just dont get how he can still sleep in the same bed as me.Talk about living in a comfort zone. So Im not playing my hand yet. Im going to download those papers off the internet for do it yourself divorce. Im gonna get prepared. I have to say for some reason maybe its the anger but it still is better to know hes seeing someone else like i thought instead of i just dont love you anymore. Because to me that was like saying something was wrong with me. But when someone has a total disrepect for our whole family and breaks their own vows. seems to me they have a problem its called disloyal. anyway any comments welcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Stay strong. He only thinks he "loves" her. I read an article written by a man who cheated on his wife, and he said "saying 'I love you' to the other woman was my way of saying 'you have something I want'". Don't think she's better than you, or that their little mess will even last, because in all probability it won't. The Lord will not bless such a relationship, and they'll get theirs eventually.

You deserve someone who will honor your marriage just as you have. You're much better than me though, I could not stand to sit in the same house while he talked on the phone to his mistress.

Wait till you make him go, and he looks back and sees the family he's left. And once he sees you keeping yourself together and moving on to live a better life without him...then it'll really hit home.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

so silvernblack are you still with your h?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

We were trying to reconcile, but as of about one hour ago, I'm calling it quits for good. Found out he's still lying after all we've gone through, so it's not worth me trying anymore. In fact, I just printed out a new set of divorce papers, and will fill them out tonight.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well that makes me think twice. i also would like to know why hes acting angry towards me when hes the one that is cheating and he doesnt know i know for sure . Anyway back to you did he deny when you caught him and how long did u try to reconcile? im thinking already after he has his oupatient procedure tomm and maybe one day of recovery I should tell him he needs to open his own account and have his paychecks go in there because I dont want one dime of my check paying for her lunches or whatever else hes buying her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

He always denies everything, and we've only been trying to reconcile for a few weeks. The thing is, I have physical proof of everything- I got into his email, social networking, and dating site accounts (yes he's on many dating sites) and took screen shots. 

Prior to trying to reconcile, I moved away, and we hadn't spoken for a month. And definitely separate your finances now. Don't give him a choice on that, you need to protect you and your children.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

noideato20 said:


> well that makes me think twice. i also would like to know why hes acting angry towards me when hes the one that is cheating and he doesnt know i know for sure . Anyway back to you did he deny when you caught him and how long did u try to reconcile? im thinking already after he has his oupatient procedure tomm and maybe one day of recovery I should tell him he needs to open his own account and have his paychecks go in there because I dont want one dime of my check paying for her lunches or whatever else hes buying her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The anger is the guilt he feel! My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. Be strong and we are all hear for you to support this. Be proud though that you are taking a stand and not allowing him to continue to do this. You are right he is the one with the problem!


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I feel bad for everyone on these threads. It makes you wonder why so many. Its like the family units are breaking down and all those spouses seem to not even care. I hope the Lord will give me stength tday as I have to take him for his procedure. It will be hard knowing that he really would prefer that she was there. Yesterday he threw a small fit when he found out I was taking off work on wed too in case he wasnt feeling good. I think over the last almost four weeks now I would have lost my mind if I didnt have this web site to go to on my phone and get some kind of clarity and peace of mind. I know at least from being on here that there are still people out there that value committment and honor. anyway back to the facade i will be back for sure over the next couple of days. hope everyone has as good a day as they can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

noideato20 said:


> I feel bad for everyone on these threads. It makes you wonder why so many. Its like the family units are breaking down and all those spouses seem to not even care. I hope the Lord will give me stength tday as I have to take him for his procedure. It will be hard knowing that he really would prefer that she was there. Yesterday he threw a small fit when he found out I was taking off work on wed too in case he wasnt feeling good. I think over the last almost four weeks now I would have lost my mind if I didnt have this web site to go to on my phone and get some kind of clarity and peace of mind. I know at least from being on here that there are still people out there that value committment and honor. anyway back to the facade i will be back for sure over the next couple of days. hope everyone has as good a day as they can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are such a good person. I'm telling you, if it were me, I wouldn't be taking him anywhere. I'd tell him to let her do it, and that he can stay with her while he recovers...and after.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well made it through procedure and boy true to his colors all the way. *****y at the doctors office and *****y when we got home and actually took his cell phone with him so he could get one last text in to babycakes i guess. I know hes hurting and stuff but your right silver i have come close a couple of times to saying hey does she live here in town? tell her to come pick u up. God is really teaching me patience today. how goes it with you today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

ooopps i guess i didnt sensor myself my apologies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I still don't know how you do it, you're really strong. I think my husband has realized something yours will eventually- the girls he messed with aren't doing anything for him. He'll realize (too late) how much you add to his life, and how badly he treated you. In the case of my husband, those girls are nowhere to be found now that he's lost his job, is months behind on the bills, and about 2 steps away from getting his house foreclosed on. And he had the nerve to ask me for help! I told him to go ask the girls he loved so much to bail him out, and took my kid shopping for Christmas.

Today the man came on strong trying to get me to reconcile again. He told me "you're my wife, and you should be here with me not in another city, you shouldn't have left me"...but the reason I left was because of his cheating, lying, and violence. I can't let my kid grow up seeing that. He said he'd change, but he doesn't have it in him to do it, so I don't feel guilty about going through with the divorce.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

no silver your the strong one. Hes not in your house any more. You dont have to have him there as a constant reminder of his vowbreaking. I can believe he asks you for help though. What they seem to not care about when they cause all this wreckage is that your closer to them and know more about them than their own mother. Then it just becomes disposable. When yall explained it to the kids did you make it sound like a mutual decision or did he own up to his part? Ive got a feeling my husband is going to want me to tell the kids "we have decided speech". This girl hes seeing must live out of town or he would probably move with her already. I dont know but its probably gonna be pretty rocky around here the next few weeks. I am gonna run my errands today while im off work. Talk to him about the bank if hes feeling better. Im just glad to tell you the truth that we have our kids to love and keep us busy with kids stuff or we would be crazier than ever. or turn into loraina bobbitt or something. hope you have a great day. Also your probably already on it but my 12 yr old made me a facebook page so im gonna get all networky!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

But it was easy for me to leave because we don't have kids together- he has some from his previous marriages, and I have one. I had already decided I did not want any kids with him because he already has so many. Since my son is just a toddler, there was nothing to explain to him...luckily. But if he was old enough to understand, I would tell him "Mommy decided that she wants you to grow up happy, and with good role models around you, so we will no longer be living with step-dad". 

However, if I were you, I would say something much different, and I would not say "we" decided, because you didn't. I'm not saying you have to talk badly about their father to them, but they're old enough to handle the truth without being confused.

And I am on facebook! Funny thing is, facebook is one of the places I caught him cheating, and it's also where his main mistress (there was more than one) contacted me.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well its good about the situation with the kids. I dont feel like It is my decision. I heard something I really needed to hear tonight it was about this lady that was married for like twenty years and her and her husband were having all these problems and so she decided like I did and you said you did to approach him with the divorce talk. By the way I did that this morning and told him about the packet we can get on the web. anyway when she did her husband was like ok and didnt try to mildy disagree. She said it was so hurtfull because she realized right then that he didnt want to fight for her didnt want to fight for the family and life they built together. This morning he did exactly that just like you can have the house blah blah blah. When I heard that tonight I started crying and it was like bing thats it he doesnt want to fight for your marriage like you do. So I want to say to you silver and whoever has tried to fight the good fight that we all deserve to be with someone who will fight for us!!! so at least i am a little at peace tonight when im going to bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey where is everybody? Well since I last posted on here my H and I had yet another talk. I hope that will be the last time that I ask or beg or whatever. He told me he was tired of being my doormat and he also said how many times do I have to tell you that I dont want to be married. I guess I am slowly starting to accept it. I just hate it but it is what it is. Gonna try to stay busy this day cleaning house for what looks to be last thanksgiving with whole family. Also probably keep working on divorce papers. I am trying to keep a sense of humor night before last i lined up a bunch of pillows between us and i said here, this is a little boundery lets call it the green zone. He laughed a little but this just isnt the same man. He is pretty much emotionally dead towards me. Anyway if anyone has any advice or just wanna talk post me back. You can tell Im lonely and lost. Heres to my self esteem being at an all time low. I went and had my hair dyed blonde yesterday and he said what made you decide to do your hair? I said I dont feel like I have alot of control over my life right now but I do have control over my hair. Gosh I make my own self want to puke when I come of like such an emotionally weak creature. I guess thats Gods way of showing me Im not in control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

noidea-

My advice would be to stop acting like everything is ok. Tell him that since he doesn't want to be married anymore, then the two of you need to sit down with the kids and let them know you will be getting a divorce. They are old enough that they probably have plenty of friends from divorced families. Sadly, it's ridiculously common in today's world. 

Tell him you two need to tell the kids ASAP and he needs to find his own place. And until then he needs to sleep on the couch. You don't want to sleep next to a man who doesn't want you or want to fight for your marriage. He has no business sleeping in a bed next to you. 

Tell him you know he is cheating, but that you know he'll continue to deny it. Tell him that he has broken his marriage vows and he is the one asking for an "out", so he can be the one to find a new place to live. Tell him to move in with her if he wants "out" so bad. And let him know that you are not going to sugarcoat things for the kids. You will tell them the truth, not meanly or talking badly about him personally, just the blunt truth. That he has found someone else and that he does not want to be married anymore. 

Kids (especially teens) aren't stupid and they would rather know the truth then be lied to. They have to be allowed to make their own decisions about how they feel about him and you. 

Hang in there. He's been selfish all along and only done what was best for him. Time for YOU to be a little selfish. Do what is best for YOU. Stop catering to him. Stop doing nice things for him. Getting your hair done was a great step. When my husband had an affair I too felt that loss of control, so I started working out religiously- it was the only thing that gave me a sense of control. I started to lose weight and feel better about myself. It gave me a sense of empowerment that was very liberating. It also helped me direct the anger and anxiety I was feeling. Do things that are good for you and make yourself feel better.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I will survive. Thankyou for your response. It seems like everyone on here and others think that waiting until the holidays is stupid. One kid is 17 a senior to make matters worse. The other Is 12. Then my Daughter who Is 24 , his step already knows there is trouble she lives couple blocks away. I guess I can look at it a couple of ways. The first is I dont think it is in my best interest to pospone because I am postponing my acceptance and grief and all that. But secondly Its just Im trying to figure out what good it would do the kids to start the emotional stress im going through before the holidays. Im just caught in a situatuation I dont like I just want to be a good mom and not be one of those bitter people like get your **** and get out because i just cant handle any more negativity right now or maybe im just not mad enough .
I dont know though maybe its just an excuse that im using on the maybe he will change his mind thing. I really hate the indecisiveness but on the other hand it wouldnt be like to just say go live with her he says she lives out of town. I know one thing I just feel like I should not discuss anything with him again because I always end up in the vulnerable posistion. I have just had enough of that. He just doesnt seem to have any emotions at all like hes lost his personality or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

iwillsurvive said:


> noidea-
> 
> My advice would be to stop acting like everything is ok. Tell him that since he doesn't want to be married anymore, then the two of you need to sit down with the kids and let them know you will be getting a divorce. They are old enough that they probably have plenty of friends from divorced families. Sadly, it's ridiculously common in today's world.
> 
> ...



Yes, yes, and yes to everything iwillsurvive said here! You are torturing yourself putting on this front. Your kids are definitely old enough to handle what's going on, and he needs to get out since he doesn't want to be married.


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

noideato20 said:


> I will survive. Thankyou for your response. It seems like everyone on here and others think that waiting until the holidays is stupid. One kid is 17 a senior to make matters worse. The other Is 12. Then my Daughter who Is 24 , his step already knows there is trouble she lives couple blocks away. I guess I can look at it a couple of ways. The first is I dont think it is in my best interest to pospone because I am postponing my acceptance and grief and all that. But secondly Its just Im trying to figure out what good it would do the kids to start the emotional stress im going through before the holidays. Im just caught in a situatuation I dont like I just want to be a good mom and not be one of those bitter people like get your **** and get out because i just cant handle any more negativity right now or maybe im just not mad enough .
> I dont know though maybe its just an excuse that im using on the maybe he will change his mind thing. I really hate the indecisiveness but on the other hand it wouldnt be like to just say go live with her he says she lives out of town. I know one thing I just feel like I should not discuss anything with him again because I always end up in the vulnerable posistion. I have just had enough of that. He just doesnt seem to have any emotions at all like hes lost his personality or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not your fault he picked a mistress that lives out of town...looks like he may need to get out of town with her. You don't have to be mean to him or anything, you can be quite calm about it. But the end result has to be the same.

And let me ask you honestly- do you think the kids don't know something is not right in that house? Even my two year old knows when I'm sad without me even crying...he'll walk over and actually pat me on the back to make me feel better. Children are receptive, and yours are old enough to pick up on what's going on.

If you're trying to give the kids one last holiday as a family, you need to remember that since he's decided he doesn't want to be married, that family isn't truly there. It will not be the same as it was in happier times. The holidays are about banding together as a family and sharing love...something your H said he wants no part in the minute he said he wants out.

You said yourself, he does not seem like the same man. The kids likely see that, and they'll definitely see it while he's forced to sit through a holiday season with your family, when he's thinking about being with the other girl.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I know both of yall are right. This divorce thing is a real inconveinence isnt it? I really just feel like saying boy you are a selfish b*@**@* if your wernt happy you couldve waited till after xmas. But noooo lets put all this crap on me and stick me in the posistion of having to make all the decisions just like always. By all means lets put your feelings first YOU BIG [email protected]@ BABY!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

That's exactly what he wants, his feelings put first. The nerve...but this is what gets me about it (and it's sort of what happened with me). He's running around with another woman, but won't go live with her. It's like, if you "love" her so much, it wouldn't matter if she lived across the country, you'd be gone. That's how you know their "love" isn't all too deep. He's just a selfish, low-down, dirty mess (please don't take offense...this is what I say about my H).

I know my son is very young so he doesn't understand what's going on, but I think yours will do well when they hear about the divorce provided you take care of YOU. You're the one who has to hold them together, and if you're a wreck, it's going to be harder for them. That's why I think he needs to go, and the facade needs to end.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yeah thats what I say to low down and dirty. Im gonna take care of my kids though at all costs I will try to keep them busy. I guess alot of it is just fear of the unknown. My H went over to his mom and dads today and when he got back i was like did u tell them and he said no did you want me to? im thinking man why does everything have to be what I want when you want the stinking divorce. So did your h move or did u have to move him? So how do you deal? Do you just try to stay busy? Do your emotions go back and forth?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I moved in with him when we married...so after I decided to divorce, I moved back to my hometown (the two cities are fairly close). 

I deal by shopping- online and offline. I haven't been spending beyond my means, just more than I typically would on things I don't need. I was at the store yesterday, and a guy that works there actually walked up to me and said "I see you here almost everyday...you must really like Target" lol. He said it jokingly, but it's a bit sad the people working there recognize me.

I've also been catching up with old friends, going to lunch, getting my son into new playgroups. My emotions kinda waiver at times. I'm sad that I'll be another divorce statistic, but happy to be away from an unhealthy situation. It's definitely not easy, I never thought I would divorce.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I hear you on that one, my mom was married three times and never had a one yr anniversary and I was always so proud even this year for staying married. Proud that the kids had both parents and all that. I think I seem to be more upset for those reasons because if im honest with myself I havent been all that happy I have just been stable and that was good enough for me. I know I have to be careful with the shopping because thats what I did when I first found out I would try to stay out of the house and go buy things for the kids myself and ironically him. I am starting to get the vibe that maybe this girl is married too. That would explain quite a bit. I have come to a decision about this for today who knows about tomm. I have set the goal for thanksgiving since everyone is coming over here I will make it through that. I will be sleeping by myself though. I will not approach him about anything until after that. However things havent exactly gone as I planned up to this point. I will keep myself occupied filling out the packet. Oh my gosh thats alot of paperwork. No wonder lawyers make all that money. I did jump out of bed at 940 last night and met one of my friends for a beer. He looked puzzled at that. The funny part was I went in to tell my 12 yr goodnight and that I was gonna go meet one of my friends for about an hour, he texted me after i got in the car....... ahhh momma has friends. lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Well see that's a good thing you went out with a friend, they're going to be important when it comes to healing (once the divorce is announced). That's why I reached out to mine- they really want to be there in any way they can. 

And all the papers are a bit overwhelming, but at least you can do it yourself instead of paying all your money to an attorney. Hopefully, you won't need an attorney at all.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yeah who knows I might decide to go back to school for law after conquering The Packet. Well I hope you have a good weekend silver. Im sure u havent heard the last of my saga yet. Im gonna keep on posting here cause I love talking with yall and exchanging things. Lucky I found talk about marriage I guess. Let me know if theres anything I must have from target.lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well here we are again. this seperated in the same house is hard as he** . We had another big blow up and I got to hear all the same stuff again. Then I said I guess your gonna say you want to end the relationship and then Im gonna end up doing all the work. Then he said he would do it If I would tell him how. Gimme a break. Last night he has to run out of the house to call her. Im thinking cant you talk to her during the day. I have no idea what im doing I was fine the other day now Im not fine. Im all teary again. Im angry again. Also he said we dont have the money for him to get an apt and hes right because now its almost xmas. I swear Ive never hated any part of my life like I hate this . I have no control at all I wish was just mean and could just kick him out. Family or no family. I feel like im being real clingy to my kids too. This morning I was acting quiet and he said did something happen? I wanted to sceam at the top of my lungs YES SOMETHING HAPPENED YOU SCREWED EVERYTHING UP THATS WHAT HAPPENED. I really cant believe I never saw how completely emotionless this man is. Seventeen years of marriage and he loves the girl he talks and texts too. Im sorry Im going on and on but I just stay in a state of disbelief and anger and hurt. So anybody got any really good coping mechanisms to make it through another month of this without having a complete nervous breakdown or worse ? i know the best thing would be to kick him out but I dont feel thats an option. Anything just talk to me if possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why don't you tell him to leave? He's doing this, not you.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

he doesnt have anywhere to go and we dont have the money to get him an apt . So hes just being here acting normal to the kids and he told me he was trying to stay out of my way because bla bla bla. and hes not going to ask for anything because hes the one that caused it bla bla bla. and he will do whatever i want to do and i said except get couseling right? I dont know what to tell you I know He needs to go but why cant he look like the bad guy and just leave. Its like I told him monday you just dont come home and say your through being married without a plan he said he hadnt thought about it. WHO DOES THAT? I would never do something that I knew would cause all this turmoil unless i had somewhere to go to get away from it. I mean the only way I see it is that hes just selfish. Its like he just decided or it happened to him like he said it just all came crashing down and he had no feelings for me so he just said well im just gonna go ahead and tell her. For what just so I can sit around the next month or so and look at the person that doesnt luv me anymore. all I can say is if im gonna say that to someone im gonna have my bags packed before I say it and It shouldnt matter that we have kids. Somebody. anybody explain this to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Bummer. He doesn't have anywhere to go. What about his girlfriend's?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

His girlfriend lives half across the state and I dont know anything about her she may be married for all I know. Anyhow Im sorry about all the ranting yesterday I think Im gonna get a journal and just start writing it all down. I will call it the coaster ride journal because like this morning I feel pretty ok but I never know from minute to minute which emotion Im going to next.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I have read all of the posts on this topic. I believe he will not change and someday it will hit him how he lost the best thing in his life,,,,YOU. I also agree with the others about you moving on. Your kids are old enough to understand. Talk to them like grownups and be honest to them. You need to move on and try to be happy with yourself. Friends are great in these times of need. Keeping busy also helps the mind from dreading on the details and the past.

I am working through finding out that my wife was cheating on me. The first time 8 years ago I wasn't treating her very nice. She went somewhere else for attention. She said she never cheated on me that time. I found out that she did it again a year ago and slept with 2 men. I have been good to her and loved her dearly since 8 years ago. I feel she has a problem but don't know what it is. We are on 6 weeks since this all started. She does show remorse and we are working through it. I think she really got worried that I was going to leave her. She knows how bad she hurt me. I told her if anything happens again I will not even try to deal with it. I have told her I made a promise to "myself" that I will end the relationship.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

noidea....I cannot believe how well you are holding up under the circumstances...so, he stopped by his parents but did not tell them? Hmmm, I think I'd be at the point where I'd say, "It's time to ask your parents if you can move in for a while because your wife is tired of living with you while you have a girlfriend on the side"


----------



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

He has parents that live close enough for him to visit then he has somewhere to go. He wants out of the marriage, then he needs to get out of the house.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree with Swedish.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

i agree with both of you especially after overhearing the phone call he made to her last night. Doesnt sound like a month long relationship to me. I just wonder what would you guys do about thanksgiving seriously his sister is coming from out of town and i know he will probably go to his moms even though they only have one bedroom i dont give a crap where he goes. I thought I would just tell him fri morn after thanks giving tell the boys and go on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

I personally have never been through a divorce but have dealt with infidelity (and currently am). I have, however, been through a divorce with my parents while living with them. And even though your husband may be trying to act normal around your kids I am sure they realize something is off. As hurtbyher said, be honest with your kids. Some people think that keeping the kids out of is the best thing but I disagree. Yes, there are personal things that should not concern them but if you are honest and open with them they will cope. I was 16/17 when my parents split and the best thing my mother ever did was put it out on the table for me. And I think in some way having that communication with my mom helped her cope too since we were able to sit, talk, and just cry and let it all out as a family.

As far as your husband, I am sure he did not tell his parents about it because HE is the one who screwed up. I highly doubt his parents will be happy with him. I agree with Swedish that if he does not have anywhere else to he needs to go stay with them or at least a friend's couch. He did this and he needs to leave. I think once the atmosphere in your house clears a bit it will make you feel a tad bit better and it will be easier for you to go through the grieving process of a losing your marriage. Keep your friends and family close at this time, find at least one person who can confide everything in and cry on their shoulder.

On a different note though, I think your husband is a coward. He wants to go out have all this fun, tell you he is done, and then have you deal with the mess and figure things out. I am sorry that this has happened to you but you definitely deserve better then that. The advice I gave my mom long long ago is to use her feelings. Use the anger, use the hurt, and do what you need to do to get what you feel you deserve.

Also, don't worry about rambling honey! The rambling helps us help you and it helps you get through this so keep the ramblings coming. If they don't want to read it they can hit the 'back' button.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Betty and everyone . Betty thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. I took my wedding ring off today and I will not be putting it back on. I told my husband to take his stuff out of my bathroom and out of our room .I said i dont want to sleep in the same room with him. I also told him I would prefer that he left and slept on his parents couch but that he had put us in a terrible posistion with his sister coming. He was standing at the car window and i said move from my car and then he said its my car its in my name remember. Then I said why dont you call and have them pick it up then. I stayed gone about an hour and when I got home he had taken all his clothes out of the closet and moved his stuff to the boys bathroom. Im sorry that it has become petty like this but when your standing in your house that we have lived in for twelve years and your talking to a girl and calling her baby and telling her u love her instead of the person that was with you when you built all of this. Its not right. I told him that he was disrespecting my house my family and me and it doesnt matter if hes sleeping with her or not. which i highly doubt because he loves her so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

Congrats for having the courage to stand up for yourself. As easy as it is to say online that you will do it, it is a lot harder to do to someone in person and who you have such history with. Keep going with this strength. 

I don't know how your husband and son's relationships are but from my experience he is going to lose a lot of respect from your children.They will figure out he cheated, especially your eldest. One day your husband is going to wake up and realize he just threw everything away and that is when his heartache is going to start and you at that time will be far into loving life and might even have a caring love in your life! It is not healthy to wish negativity towards others but it is comforting to know that his time will come and you won't be the only one hurt by this.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

boy this is turning out to be a real nightmare. Hes been texting me all morn at work saying i have to take half the blame ect and he doesnt have the money to move out and hes whatever age and not gonna live with his parents and i told him to take his check out of the bank and get his own account unbelievable im not the one that wanted divorce i told him i want my life back. he is cold blooded to say the least he told our youngest when i was gone last night and i still dont think he told the older one then he said he was telling his parents today i feel like im gonna stroke this is hard as hell and i hate being at work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Hang in there. You are strong enough to handle this. You did nothing wrong don't let him try to blame you for it. He messed up. He will see this someday. You need to take care of yourself and the kids. He should have thought about not having anywhere to go before he crossed that line. That is not your problem and don't feel guilty about booting him out. Take it one day at a time. I wish you well.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

finally made it home from work my oldest drove up and i asked him if he had talked to his dad and he said yes and i said are u okay and he said yes and i stupidly said well i just dont want you to be mad and he said theres no one to be mad at and thats good but i shouldnt have said that cause hes allowed to have whatever feeling he wants. my h told me this am that he didnt have any money so i told him to take what he got paid out of the bank and he did. i guess i didnt think he would take the whole amt but he did. so i guess hes probably either telling his parents or getting an apt. maybe its just me but i think im the only one who seems to be shocked and upset. my littlest told me in a round about way that hes been expecting it for quite some time. its just very surreal to me right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

My mother and father divorced when I was 10.
I was relieved because they fought constantly.
They never cheated on each other,just fought all the time.

Tell your kids exactly why it happened,they need to understand that there was cheating happening.
As a product of divorce,I am more committed to making this my marriage work. 
They will see,by example that Dad screwed up really bad by cheating and Mom went through hell.
This is turn can have the positive effect of re-enforcing their marriages in the future.It did this for me.I know people are different and situations can effect people differently,but seeing Mom and Dad struggle can maybe have a positive influence on the kids?

I also wanted to ask something else.Its not meant to be mean or accusatory or nothing like this at all.I am just curious about some in this thread,that had their spouse cheat on them,stated they had Step-Children.
What was the conditions that brought these Step-Kids to the table?Was he/she a cheater before you all hooked up and this is why they brought Step-Children?Was it that your spouse that cheated in fact cheated on before by his/her ex-spouse?Did they bring them because of a Premarital relationship?

I am just curious about my above questions.And like I say its not that I am trying to be mean or blunt or insensitive.
I cannot help but think that with situations like Divorce and re-Marriage,that when one brings "extra" things into the new marriage,in this case children,that there may have been problems that they also brought into the new marriage with out the new spouses eyes truly seeing them clearly.

Any way it is just me rambling.I do wish the OP the best and also the others in this thread that have been hurt.I truly believe sometimes Hell has a special spot for people who cheat and are un-remorseful of it.I know that there are people that do cheat,and they are truly sorry they did for what ever reason.I also know that relationships can heal.
I have not went through any of this first hand,thankfully.So my "expertise" in this field is lacking.
The reason I responded is because of your Kids.I was one once and can identify with the situation.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Good morning. In answer to your question the step child was mine She is a beautiful 24 yr old. she was mine from a previous one yr marriage when I was nineteen. My h has been with us since she was seven. And yes over the last seventeen years there have been issues and disagreements on raising her just like the other two. I guess overall it just boils down to not communicating. He was unhappy and didnt communicate it to me so he feels like if he goes out and starts this other life he will be happy. I however dont think so. I also think its like quitting something just because it gets hard. Hard is where the growth comes from and now our chance for that is gone. He also told his parents yest and he said he was clear to them that hes the one that wanted the divorce. He said they were dissapointed. He asked me when I needed him to move and I said asap because as long as your here im going to try and fix this and its not good for me emotionally. He said the thing with him and the ow has nothing to do with all of this and that I dont know whats going on between them but I heard him tell her baby i love you so much so that sounds pretty clear to me. He asked about thanksgiving and i said the dinner is going as planned and everyone is welcome since everyone knows now i wont have to pretend anything. but i also said while your here that day its just family and i dont want you texting or calling her over here. thats what hes been doing. The other night when we left for church he waited about ten minutes and then called her and started with the baby honey and i love youstuff. I just cant have that this is my home and i cant have that. Anyway to wrap it up what a waste of love and commitment but it takes two and his heart and head and whatever else belongs to her now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well heres the latest he found an apt wont be ready tll the 30TH. He says will that be okay i say yeah it will have to be ok wont it. also told him I cant make you any gaureentees on how I will act till now and then. apparently hes gonna move in to two bedroom no furniture so that when the boys want to sleep over they can. I mean its like he has all this planned out like this like hes already the happy go lucky divorced dad whose kids are making weekend trips and he hasnt even moved out. I just really feel like hes not living in reality. Is it just me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I am glad to here he finally had the guts to admit that he was seeing someone else.The lies and such to you,had to be really infuriating, when you knew and had proof.This texting and goo goo gaa gaa bull when he talks to her under your roof....I would call him out on it.He does you a disservice by lying about his feeling towards her.Also he is deluded,he thinks relationships are disposable?When the going gets tough,the weak jump ship?

Thing to remember from my point of view.I am sure you all had problems,but he was non communicative about these or his needs.
He crossed the line by cheating and the other woman did to.He needs to be a man and admit he is cheating.If he thinks that by going out and getting a "new" wife,his problems with his inability to cope in a relationship is going to magically fix itself,he is only fooling himself and setting it up for failure.

See,I think all couples have known others that have went through similar things.My auntie went through a situation so similar with yours that it is like dejavu.
He stayed in the home,kids knew dad was sleeping with another woman,my auntie kept being strung along.She did his cleaning,laundry,cooked for him etc. etc. all in hopes of bringing him to his senses.It did not work,he eventually moved out and married the other woman.He has a ok relationship with his kids,and a speaking relationship with my auntie.Now for the kicker,before they divorced and were having unrepairable damage to the marriage,they adopted other children.A couple years later,they divorced.He wants nothing to do with the adopted children.My auntie is both Dad and Mom to them...She is a Saint.He is in my book a waste of the air he breaths and undeserving of any happiness.He is scum.
He used my auntie and any time he got a chance he manipulated her.He even bought a a different home and manipulated my auntie out of the other house,(it was worth more),they had so he could move the OW into it.He has however stepped up and when his kids needed a car or what not,provided things for them.However nothing for the kids he swore to be a daddy to when they adopted them.

I urge you to stay strong like my auntie,for your children.Do not let him talk you out of the House or other things you will need for your family to live.He cheated on you,he should leave and pay for it monthly.Alimony and Child Support.Remember he is the one at fault,he cheated on you,he crossed that line.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Tweak. Yes your auntie is a saint that is not the case with me. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. All I see is his betrayal and him sitting there watching tv on the couch like everything is hunky dorey. Well it is with him. I was gone all day long. Went to church. Went with my daughter, son, friend and her daughter to see New Moon. It was great. Then back to church till around 7. Now back at home in my room. This is why it will be better when he moves. Now I feel like a prisoner in my own house. He worked on laundry today and cleaned the kitchen and I was like thanks for doing that stuff and now Im thinking this is just weird two people married for seventeen years used to be best friends and now we cant even talk. I guess its just me maybe he would talk like usual if I was in there but im just bitter mad and hurt. I HATE THE PERSON I AM RIGHT NOW. I had to go buy some more pants today because even my small ones are too big. This sucks doesnt even begin to describe what ive gone through this last month. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

hey wheres all my buddies on here. How am I gonna make it through thanksgiving without sound advice and encouragement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Things may be a little slow on forums sometimes.
Sorry to here you had to buy new clothes.

My wife is having a kidney stone problem last night and today so I have been helping her drink water to flush it out of her system. 

Keep your chin up.People do care.I hate cheaters.I feel for those that go through this special brand of hell.

You deserve to have your life your own.
Glad you had fun at "New Moon".This is the type of thing that you need to do to help get your mind off the bad.It does no good to dwell 24/7 on the bad things.
Having him around after it being decided its over is like having a splinter that never gets removed.It still there as a constant reminder.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey tweak good to see someones still out there. I totally agree with the splinter theory. I just have to make it till the 30th. Mondays are not a good day anyway but work was actually decent today. Overall this has been a tolerable day. I think I may go occupy my time in my room. I started to think maybe I would visit a chat room somewhere but judging from some of the threads on here that could get me into trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

tweak I have heard that kidney stones are more painful than chilbirth. are they just gonna let her pass them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh my. Ya question it or just play the mistress and leave somewhere for a vacation. Let him see what he will be missing show him the you he fell in love with then let him know what you know. The best revenge is leaving him with the person he has cheated with!


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

O yeah they are.....She has had 3 in her life and says she would rather give birth again.

I have had one to.....I was born with smaller "tubes" or "ureter's" and they never got bigger or normal.I threw up to with all the pain,I NEVER throw up.It was THE MOST PAINFUL experience so far in my life.The stone was 6 mm and it barely made it out naturally.
You can NOT get away from this type pain,the stone gets stuck in there and then the contractions of the tubes is what hurts soooo much.

My wife also has a Bladder infection because of it.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

well here we are tuesday. Hope your wife is feeling better soon tweak esp for thanksgiving. Yesterday a little bit of fallout from the I dont want to be married speech. My littlest said he was talking to a friend about home stuff and started crying in the locker room. My oldest broke up yet again with his girlfriend and was upset and just said all of this stuff isnt helping and I said no honey its not and I sorry. Which in turn made me want to go in the house and hit my h in the kneecaps. I have encouraged my kids to talk to each other friends or us about their feelings I know they are upset. I havent talked in a negative way about their dad. But in my head I am. It makes me so mad that he is causing all this mayhem. His happiness is sssoooo important it has to come at the expense of everyone. Day after day I feel that he is becoming more and more selfish and I am ready for him to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ok here we go again. Everyone knows I asked him to move and hes supposed to on the 30th. So last night I start figuring out the bills. Long story short Im definetly going to be on a budget. I mean thats fine I can do it but does anyone think Im being to hasty. Is anyone in here coexisting while getting a divorce. I always start to second guess myself after I make a decision. Any suggestions? Any advice?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Nevermind my last post. Of course its better if he moves he cheated on me. I swear sometimes im a real doof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks luvmy, I hope you and yours have a great thanksgiving too. I appreciate your prayers. Youll be in mine too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well Thanksgiving is over. Back to reality. Had everyone over it was nice for the most part. Enjoyed be around the family. When everybody left went right back to normal. He said I have to go to the store did I need anything, which is code for I have to go call her. Came back home and posistioned himself on the couch which is in what has now become his living room. Didnt sleep good at all last night. Alot of you have told me not to think about the other woman. That is easier said than done. I almost wish I hadnt heard his conversation with her because now I just keep playing it in my head. This morning he got up got ready for work and left and told me to have a good day. I said you too as I sat there crying thinking to myself how terrible this whole thing is. The really sad thing is I still love him. I still want him. I still want him to hold me. He has none of those feelings for me. Im lonely. Im hurting. Im rejected. Its weird he just acts down right arrogant towards me now. I think to myself how could you hurt someone like that that you have spent seventeen years with. Hes in love thats how. Its all he can think about now. 
Well I guess everyone can tell Im on the pity pot big time this morning. Hope everyone on here had a great Thanksgiving. I need to go over my Thankful list again while Im drying my hair. I need to cowboy up and go buy a giant xmas tree and carry on and make this a good xmas for the kids. Thats whats important. Those three beautiful humans that I am privaledged to have in my life. Thats 3 that love me no matter what. Again let me state for the record this is the hardest thing I have ever been through including the death of my mother!!!!!! Who by the way I really really wish was here right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

We all throw ourselves pity parties sometimes. Totally normal. Hang in there.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I haven't posted on your thread before...sorry about that. I'd like to offer my own prayers and best wishes for you.

You need to harden your heart. This is tearing you up and dragging it out over a month is just building up bad feelings for both him and yourself. So he's going to move out on Monday? There's no point in tossing him to the curb today and starting a whole new storm, but you should tell him that you don't appreciate him calling the OW while you're in the house to hear it. And if he doesn't stop - get out now.

It's interesting that you say what you really want is for you to stay married and love each other. That's what I want so much with my wife. I'm lucky in a way that my wife FINALLY (after literally laying down the law) decided she wanted me over the other guy. Unfortunately that's not the case with you.

My pain has dragged out for 21 months now...you might be able to move on and start the healing process on Tuesday. Look at it that way. This is not YOUR CHOICE...it's his. You are not to blame here. No matter what the problems are in a marriage - and they all have them - adultery is not acceptable.

Hang in there!


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sven. Thanks for your response and Im glad your wife has come to her senses. Even though it would be an answer to prayer If he wanted to work it out it would be a hard row to hoe due to the betrayal I feel now. I agree one hundred percent that going outside your marriage is wrong nn matter what the reason or when it happens. I think its true you should finish one relationship before you start aanother. I wish you all the luck prayers and patience you will need to accomplish this feat. She is lucky she has a forgiving spouse. She is lucky she married someone who understands committment. 
As for me and mine we will trudge through the weekend I suppose. I left last night for a couple of hours. I told him I was tired of staying in my room. I told him it felt like I was under house arrest. haha. The funny thing is hes the one that should be under house arrest. Its weird to go from a month and a half ago sitting on the couch with each other laughing at movies, to trying toavoid each other at all costs. Just goes to show you how fast 17 years can slip right out of your hands. Any way hope your doing ok today. If your so inclined you could give out a hug. I always think a hug goes a long way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ok heres my daily rant. Yesterday H put up the christmas lights. Then we are out in the yard looking at them and he proceeds to take pictures of the house with his cell phone. No doubt so he can send them to Jezabel. GeeeZzzz how stuck on yourself are you? He is supposed to be moving tomm and hasnt mentioned one word about it. I was hoping he would be out by the time I got home. I am so tired of seeing him sit on the couch, I just want to Scream GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT. I know scarey movie huh? Went to early church this am and sat there and prayed I could have a forgiving heart. One of my worst fears is that I will be one of those bitter x's. The truth is he has moved already, its just his body that remains. But why does his body monopolize the living room?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

My heart is beating out of my chest. He is leaving tomm and I went in there to ask him if he was going to move while Im at work. He asked me what would be better and I told him it would be better if he left when the kids were gone even though they know. I thought it would be better if they didnt see him carrying his stuff out. Then I asked him if he had anything else to say and he said no. then I said so after seventeen years u got nothing. Then I asked him if he was gonna leave the key. He got mad at that then I said well your not giving me a key to your apt. Then I started talking about the girl again and said you two deserve each other. WHY CANT I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!!!!! This is what happens when you dont get out when you should. Your spouse has been living day after day building up all these resentments.............
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Because some part still is hanging on.He knows he is wrong.
If he does not move out on the 30th,you need to be the strong one and tell him to leave and that you do not appreciate him calling the home wrecker from your house and you do not appreciate him dragging this out as its to painful for you.

He needs to make up his mind or you will need to do it for him,for your sanity.You also could allude to having a person interested in you,no need to have a "real" person,just something to make him think.Seems to me he is getting his jollies by rubbing it in that he is seeing this home wrecker,even if he does not realize it. 
May not be the best thing to do,but you never know,if he sees what he is losing and thinks another man is in his territory.....Although you would not do this to "get even",more a passing subliminal message that "hey,I am attractive and lovable".

Everyone deserves to be loved in their relationships and he is treating you badly.

ps- Wife is "over" her bladder infection and kidney stone.As with this like all things this to shall pass.Been busy with T-Day dinners and Deer season.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

This is just bs Im gonna be so glad when this part is over. I think I was actually a little scared when that last confrontation took place. Hes just not himself to me and I think Im halfway scared of him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I guess I will start my posts tomm under dealing with seperation and divorce. Or should I stay on this infidelity thing? I dont know the protocol. Do you keep your original post alive. All I know Is tomm is gonna be hard as he%%. Even though is moving in a direction other than stuck I still think the worst of the pain is still to come. Tomm is when I say yep he left you. Left you for another woman. Oh I can only imagine Im kidding myself if I think Im gonna be so relieved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ps tweak so glad your wife is feeling better. Hope you guys had a great turkey day. So your a hunter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Yeah I used to hunt ALOT.My son is 13 so I took him to his Grand Dad's for a little hunting over there.Not alot but a bit.

I find it hard to get back into it,there is alot of resentment towards my dad and by association hunting.

Divorced parents,workaholic father,he hunts alot,but has had me be the camp cleanup janitor in years past.Lots of resentment.Love to get back into it....maybe one day on my own terms.

Still love my guns and fishing,don't get out much due to back injuries but it is still there...the want to that is.


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

How did it go,did you switch to the other place under dealing with separation and divorce?I will look there but just wanted to know if you got along ok?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

No didnt switch places. He moved yest when I got home all his stuff was gone. Housekey on table. Felt ok last night. Really hurting today. Self esteem is taking a real beating tonight. I dont know that ive felt this bad in awhile. I know im gonna feel the pain though no way around it. I feel sorry for my kids. Im trying to be as normal as possible but instead of the runaway wife I feel like the thrown away wife.Aaaaarrrrgggg.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Don't beat yourself up.It really takes two to tango.He trespassed against you.You are faultless with his inability to keep it in his pants.
Instead of working on the marriage,he went elsewhere,mark my words,He will not change for a "new" woman.He will trip and fall.If he falls on his face,he may come running back,be prepared for that.Don't hold off finding someone else that could make you happy though,no need to punish your self by waiting on him. 
In fact if you start dating,I don't mean right this minute or nothing,he will probably regret his choices.It seems to drive guys crazy to know their wives are "back on the Market" and not home upset and depressed over them.
Talk to your kids and explain the situation.Tell them you do not want to be alone and it would be unfair to you as a person for them to expect otherwise.When my mom and dad divorced,it seems like he was jumping around to every single gal in town.Mom had 2 TWO boyfriends after they divorced.They divorced when I was 10 I am 34 now,My mother passed away last year.She loved my Dad,she NEVER got over him.Thing is Mom and Dad BOTH ended up ALONE.Dad is still alive but by himself.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

You know I must dense or something. He moved out monday. What I dont get is how you live with someone for eighteen years married seventeen and then just poof you dont talk to them at all. Its like I never exsisted. Maybe im just going through adjustment or withdrawls I dont know but I just dont understand how you can just shut off like that. Either he must be really really in love or he has been hating me for a long time. Not just since oct. Any thoughts or insight into that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I do not know.
Maybe he has a mental problem or mid life crisis?Maybe he is not in his right mind because he is in Rut,like a Deer?

Maybe all three?Being sexually frustrated can make people (men and women alike) do some pretty strange things.
I know as a sufferer of OCD and Bipolar disorders,I have had impulses that would curl your hair.I was not in my right mind.
Did I act them out,not always.However it was still hard to live with the idea that I was not in total control.

Even if all of what I say is true,It is still NO excuse to cheat and do what he done to you.
You are a good person and deserve happiness.Put him behind you look to your future.Stand tall and proud you are the one who did not quit.There is someone out there that will sweep you off your feet,in the mean time,heal your heart and take your time.

Lots of smiles.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I was just reading over this old thread I started after I found out he was cheating. Here it is a new year and all the holidays are behind us. I really dont think I am progressing very well. I broke down and cried again this morning. I know I will be getting into divorce care after they start back and I hope that helps. All I can see now is lonliness and more trauma as the divorce word and discussion of it is gonna come up. I am so tired of feeling like my life is being carried along this path without any consent or consideration for what I want. I guess my husband told my 12 year old last night that he was sorry the year had ended in a tribulation but he would always be there for him ect ect.. and thats great for him. I just feel like it hasnt been a tribulation for my husband at all. I feel like he just wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and to heck with everyone else. I dont know anything right now except I see no emotional growth from myself at all right now and its been two and a half months since the I dont love u anymore speech. It just scares me that I feel like im not improving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I don't know how much true help I can be Noideato. The obvious thing you have to do now is just accept that the relationship has failed even though you have not failed in your contribution to the relationship. Pull youself together, move on, and forge a new happy life for yourself.

And believe me when I say that I know those are easy easy words to write, and the actual task of doing that seems all but impossible in the middle of the pain and rejection you feel right now.

The sad truth is that we can't force other people to love us. We can make ourselves as attractive as we can in the hopes of influencing the situation, but it's not 100%. The emotional state you feel now though - pain, anxiety, rejected, lonely, abandoned, abused, angry - is actually a repulsive (as in opposite of attractive) emotional state. Put another way, why would your husband (or anyone) want to snuggle back up to someone experiencing all those emotions?

I'm not saying that if you flip the switch and magically transform into a zen master with sex appeal, that your husband is going to suddenly wake up and drop the OW and come running back to you. He's making some of his own choices here, and like I said before, you can't force someone to love you, you can only make yourself as attractive as you can be and influence the situation.

Whether your husband comes back or not is now somewhat irrelevant to the choices you need to make for you. Take a stand for you. Start exercising, dress nice, a little make up, smile, file for divorce, alimony and child support and/or whatever your lawyer advises, get control of the joint money. When you're ready to date again, date again.

Again - all easier said than done.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Atholk. Thankyou for your reply. I know all of its true. I dont even want to be with me now. I just keep thinking about the person I was before all this happened and Its hard to believe that I have let this happen. In other works I cant believe that I have let this destroy or almost destroy my self esteem and push down on my spirit the way it has. I guess I just have to keep on and do the things you were talking about but I must be riding against the wind right now because I feel exhausted. I hope the one thing I learn from this is not to lose myself in a situation again because thats how it feels like Im having to start from scratch and make a new me. I know it starts with acceptance. I guess at least today Im too tired to step up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

