# Am I a BS or a WAW?



## WhatdoIwant? (Apr 6, 2010)

Both of us are 45 years old, married for 22, 3 kids (20, 17, 14). He has had three "incidents" of infidelity over the years (that I know of). After 2nd child was born, EA with co-worker, one time sex (bj) and he confessed to me because he was so upset with himself. No therapy. 5 years later, caught him getting ready to have sex with a neighbor, both VERY drunk, no EA between them. Went to therapy, stayed together. Moved to another state, another 5 years later, I get a letter from a man who says my husband is having sex with his wife. They were co-workers away at a sales meeting. Therapy again. Still stayed. 
I have been taking depression meds for probably 20 years now and have gone from a very outgoing, confident, fun person to a woman who barely forces herself to go to work and comes home and just wants to veg on the internet or sleep. I hate my house so I do the bare minimum to keep it up. I do the bare minimum to keep my kids healthy and happy. And I've been doing the bare minimum to keep my husband happy but I've finally decided to quit. I just can't take it anymore. And why should I? 
But why the hell do I feel guilty about wanting to get a divorce? I do love him. He is a great dad and a great husband (aside from the whole screwing other people part!) I'm not physically attracted to him and I don't believe him when he says he is physically attracted to me. He is completely distraught over all the pain he has caused me. He will do whatever I want him to do right now (leave, stay, counseling, whatever) because he feels so guilty. 
How do I know what I want to do? I just want to feel happy again. I want to WANT to wake up in the morning. I'm seeing a therapist, taking meds, working out regularly, and talking to him. When will I know what I want???


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

In time. Just maybe not in your time frame.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

OK, while cheating is not right in any circumstance, most people cheat for a reason (being VERY Drunk btw is NOT a reason it is just a poor excuse).

In your therapy has that been covered? Is it becaues he does not feel you are attacted to him? Is it because he need attention from others? Is the thrill of a new 
Why are yo not happy for so long? You say he is a geat dad and great husnd! You say you are not attractd to him (which makes me think you don't want sex with him) yet that only thing I see that bothers you is that he is having sex with those other than the one that doesn't want to have sex with him. Please don't get me realtionship? 
wrong, I am not trying say it OK for him to do this, just showing a bit of catch 22 that exists here.

I think before you can answer the "should I stay with this guy or not" question you need to search out why you are unhappy. Then see if you and your husband can do anything aobut changing that.

You never know... maybe when you both are happy and meeeting each others needs, other things that are reacitve of that may go away. 

If you've been seeing your therapist for a while and seem to not be getting anywhere try a different one. Perhaps another will have a different approach that works a bit better for you.

Step one is to work on you...GET YOU HAPPY  not saying you need to be happy with your husbands behavior - but you do need to be happy with YOU!

Best Wishes

PS - in no way am I saying you are reponsible for making your husband cheat. He is his own person and made taht poor decison on his own. Simply saying that your prime concentration should be on making you happy at this point and making you be the person you want to be.


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