# My wife's promiscuous past makes me fear her new job.



## husbandtryinghisbest

My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now. 

Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.

With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!

I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.

With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.

A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.

Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.

What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!

When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.

She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.

I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.

To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.

I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


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## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


I’m really sorry you’re here, but welcome to TAM.

I have zero encouraging things to say about your post.
Your wife is a liar and a cheater. You say she’s reformed, but you’re doubting that yourself. And now there’s suspicious behavior? out all night with guys at a house…doing what exactly? Yea right… you’ve heard this story before haven’t you?

You know exactly what’s going on.

The question is what are you going to do now.

If you want hard evidence, then you can let her do her thing and I’m sure you’ll get it. But really…why wait? Why go through the pain of further betrayal? I wouldn’t. Cut your losses. This one has serious damage and is lying to you.


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## husbandtryinghisbest

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m really sorry you’re here, but welcome to TAM.
> 
> I have zero encouraging things to say about your post.
> Your wife is a liar and a cheater. You say she’s reformed, but you’re doubting that yourself. And now there’s suspicious behavior? out all night with guys at a house…doing what exactly? Yea right… you’ve heard this story before haven’t you?
> 
> You know exactly what’s going on.
> 
> The question is what are you going to do now.
> 
> If you want hard evidence, then you can let her do her thing and I’m sure you’ll get it. But really…why wait? Why go through the pain of further betrayal? I wouldn’t. Cut your losses. This one has serious damage and is lying to you.


Thanks for the reply. I know it looks bad, but ultimate I want to, and do trust her, but then I worry that I'm just an idiot. She is very attractive and I love her very much, and we have kids, so I can't just walk away.

I'm also always keen not to come off as a typical jealous, close minded guy. I want to try and give people the benefit of the doubt, especially women. 

I worry that my reaction to my wife's sexual history before me, is just because our society takes such a double standard on these sorts of things. I grew up a shy, awkward guy, so my sexual history is a lot more tame. But she grew up as an attractive young women, that basically had her pic of the guys. So would I have been any different? I don't know. 

That said, she has had so much causal sex that I worry with a few drinks, she wouldn't have that barrier that I would, stopping me cheating. And them maybe she just felt really guilt and bad afterwards. 

I don't want to judgemental, but I don't really know how to reconcile with picture of her with the woman I love.


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## Numb26

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I know that's a joke, but based on what she has told me, seriously, that could be pretty accurate.


If it makes you feel any better my XW racked up her count AFTER we got married.


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## lifeistooshort

OP, I'm a woman. I realize there is a double standard but even taking that into account your wife’s history is off the rails. I'd never date a guy with a history like that...it would tell me that the way he views sex is incompatible with my view. Your wife may not be wife material.

But ok, it's in her past and you didn't know the extent of it so here you are today.

Your wife has poor boundaries, and someone like her needs to avoid the appearance of impropriety as she's already demonstrated that her values are shaky. Really everyone needs to avoid the appearance but especially someone like her. I realize you can't just walk but you do need to take a hard line with this or this will be your life with her.....poor boundaries, lying, and bullshitting at best and actual cheating at worst.

Sit her down now and agree on boundaries. If she can't keep them you have some serious decisions to make.


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## D0nnivain

She downplayed the number of sexual partners she had before she dated you & she now admits to cheating when she was dating but claims she has been faithful to you, at least since you have been married. 

Not. good but here's the thing, unless you have evidence to the contrary about cheating since you have been married, lies aren't cheating. You are paranoid now because you know facts which you didn't know before which rightly color your perception. 

You have to admit to her that this new info plus the recent lie have seriously eroded your trust. Ask her what she thinks can be done to increase transparency & rebuild trust. Think about what you need for that to happen. I would assume honesty going forward would be important. 

Absolutely keep an eye on things but don't do anything controlling like try to tell her she can't hold a job.


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## jonty30

In my view, your wife uses male attention to be validated, which makes being faithful difficult in the long run.

I would probably insist that she has no contact with these guys, even if it means quitting the job, and she probably needs help in figuring out how to be validated without needing male attention if the marriage is going to survive.


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## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Thanks for the reply. I know it looks bad, but ultimate I want to, and do trust her, but then I worry that I'm just an idiot. She is very attractive and I love her very much, and we have kids, so I can't just walk away.
> 
> I'm also always keen not to come off as a typical jealous, close minded guy. I want to try and give people the benefit of the doubt, especially women.
> 
> I worry that my reaction to my wife's sexual history before me, is just because our society takes such a double standard on these sorts of things. I grew up a shy, awkward guy, so my sexual history is a lot more tame. But she grew up as an attractive young women, that basically had her pic of the guys. So would I have been any different? I don't know.
> 
> That said, she has had so much causal sex that I worry with a few drinks, she wouldn't have that barrier that I would, stopping me cheating. And them maybe she just felt really guilt and bad afterwards.
> 
> I don't want to judgemental, but I don't really know how to reconcile with picture of her with the woman I love.


OP I get what you’re saying and you seem like a nice guy.

But dude, you have some really rose-colored glasses on and you’re going to be hurt really bad. Wake up and put an end to the bs. At the bare minimum, you know she is lying to you and is doing things that have a really suspicious look. Yea, in a perfect world she could be totally innocent. Guess what. People are broken and this world ain’t perfect. Your wife is broken.

I’ve been where you are, I’m telling you. And with her starting the new job with her newfound boys…. brace for impact OP.


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## Noman

At the very least, she shouldn't be "going out" or drinking anything stronger than water unless you're right by her side.

And I'd tell her to quit, or turn down, the damned job.

Also, you need to be keeping an eye on her. All the time.

And document everything so when you DO get divorced, maybe you can keep the kids and not have to support her.

Uck, I'm sorry you're in this awful mess. I feel for you dude.


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## lifeistooshort

jonty30 said:


> In my view, your wife uses male attention to be validated, which makes being faithful difficult in the long run.
> 
> I would probably insist that she has no contact with these guys, even if it means quitting the job, and she probably needs help in figuring out how to be validated without needing male attention if the marriage is going to survive.


Agreed. This is pretty common with women and such women are not good long term partners. It gets worse with age as they need more and more attention to reassure themselves that they're still attractive.

Boundaries are super important.


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## husbandtryinghisbest

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. This is pretty common with women and such women are not good long term partners. It gets worse with age as they need more and more attention to reassure themselves that they're still attractive.
> 
> Boundaries are super important.


So your advice is, don't marry women?


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## SunCMars

Lately, your eyes have been opened by that confession of her former, jaw dropping promiscuity.

Now, your eyes are bugged out full, and they remain sore as hell.


So, she definitely lied about her whereabouts that night.

She may not have physically cheated, but it sure looks that way.

Think about it-
Two ladies, and three men in a house drinking, tells a story.
A story, a married woman does not belong in.

Her boundaries were nonexistent in the past and now she seems to have abandoned them again.
This present, horniness on her part is a live giveaway.
She is in the mood.

_That ripe fruit is pluck for picking._


Where do you go from here?

You have _no proof_ that she shared her body that night.

Question:
When she came back later that night in the cab, did she shower?
Or, did she smell like she had showered before coming home?

Going forward, I would go into full detective mode and keep a keen eye on her.

DO NOT TIP HER OFF.
Eyes open, mouth shut.

If she is going to cheat, you cannot stop her. 
*Nor, should you desire to.*
You are not a bobby, that policeman.

You only need to confirm your suspicions, that she is not marriage worthy.
Give her rope, let her tie herself in over-lying, not-me's.

You will have your answer within the next year.

Good Luck, Mate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> So your advice is, don't marry women?


I believe she means this woman and similar. Not all women of course.


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## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


I'm sorry to say that when you combine your wife's sexual history, her high drive, the lying and the story as you shared it, she had sex with at least one of those men that night. Zero question about it. The lie and doubling down on it is all you need to know. She didn't lie because she thought you would worry, she lied because she didn't want you to know she was out late shagging other guys while you sat home worrying about her. Don't be a fool.


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## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. This is pretty common with women and such women are not good long term partners. *It gets worse with age as they need more and more attention to reassure themselves that they're still attractive.*
> 
> Boundaries are super important.


Sure, a ladies physical appearance counts for a lot.

Those Soap Opera's and Reality Shows on TV reveal this insecurity to a tee.

Um.
With men, there is a slight difference.

Horn dogs, not withstanding, some married men crave that emotional connection that they do not (find) at home.

It is a good feeling, knowing that someone finds them worthy of loving attention.
Marriage partners are known for taking each other for granted.
Hence, finding that side lover.



_Are Dee-_


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## In Absentia

OP, you made the mistake of confronting her about the lie... now, if your wife _really_ is cheating, she will be extra careful and it will be more difficult to find more evidence...


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## husbandtryinghisbest

SunCMars said:


> Lately, your eyes have been opened by that confession of her former, jaw dropping promiscuity.
> 
> Now, your eyes are bugged out full, and they remain sore as hell.
> 
> 
> So, she definitely lied about her whereabouts that night.
> 
> She may not have physically cheated, but it sure looks that way.
> 
> Think about it-
> Two ladies, and three men in a house drinking, tells a story.
> A story, a married woman does not belong in.
> 
> Her boundaries were nonexistent in the past and now she seems to have abandoned them again.
> This present, horniness on her part is a live giveaway.
> She is in the mood.
> 
> _That ripe fruit is pluck for picking._
> 
> 
> Where do you go from here?
> 
> You have _no proof_ that she shared her body that night.
> 
> Question:
> When she came back later that night in the cab, did she shower?
> Or, did she smell like she had showered before coming home?
> 
> Going forward, I would go into full detective mode and keep a keen eye on her.
> 
> DO NOT TIP HER OFF.
> Eyes open, mouth shut.
> 
> If she is going to cheat, you cannot stop her.
> *Nor, should you desire to.*
> You are not a bobby, that policeman.
> 
> You only need to confirm your suspicions, that she is not marriage worthy.
> Give her rope, let her tie herself in over-lying, not-me's.
> 
> You will have your answer within the next year.
> 
> Good Luck, Mate.


"Jaw dropping promiscuity" that's a good way to describe it. When she was telling me, my jaw did literally drop! And she wasn't even completely honest about it at first. She just said that she had no idea how many guys she'd been with because she never kept count, so I said: 
"Is it more than 20?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 40?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 60?", "Erm, it's maybe about that"
I realise now that she just realised that it would take a LONG time to get close to the truth and she I guess was embarrassed.
But we then went through he Facebook friends list, and she counted up all the guys on that list that she has been with and it was already more than the number she had said.
So then she changed her story and said it was "about 100". 
Well since then I've been keeping track of all the guys she has mentioned by name and things she has told me, and adding all them up gets to over 130 guys. And that doesn't include all of the random hookup guys and guys from bars, of which there was a ton!
I still feel like there is stuff she hasn't told me. It started out as jaw dropping, but I feel just numb about it, and if there is a guy that she met before me, I just have to assume she let him have sex with her. 

Regarding last week, she said there were 2 women and 3 men there, but I'm a bit dubious about her friend and her boyfriend being there. She said that they went there because they often asked the guys whose house it was if they could stay there, because they didn't have a place to be alone. It didn't quite make sense. The only people I know for certain were the 2 other guys. Both of which drove her home apparently, she didn't actually get a cab, that was a lie too.

I have no proof of anything though. She didn't shower immediately. We did have sex that night, and she did seem a bit different, but not in the way you might imagine. She was actually drier than normal to be honest. Don't really know what that means.

As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!


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## husbandtryinghisbest

In Absentia said:


> OP, you made the mistake of confronting her about the lie... now, if your wife _really_ is cheating, she will be extra careful and it will be more difficult to find more proof...


I figured it was more important to confront her early so it would be easier to deal with any lies or excuses she came up with. Things get lost in the mists of time.


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## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "Jaw dropping promiscuity" that's a good way to describe it. When she was telling me, my jaw did literally drop! And she wasn't even completely honest about it at first. She just said that she had no idea how many guys she'd been with because she never kept count, so I said:
> "Is it more than 20?", "Yes"
> "Is it more than 40?", "Yes"
> "Is it more than 60?", "Erm, it's maybe about that"
> I realise now that she just realised that it would take a LONG time to get close to the truth and she I guess was embarrassed.
> But we then went through he Facebook friends list, and she counted up all the guys on that list that she has been with and it was already more than the number she had said.
> So then she changed her story and said it was "about 100".
> Well since then I've been keeping track of all the guys she has mentioned by name and things she has told me, and adding all them up gets to over 130 guys. And that doesn't include all of the random hookup guys and guys from bars, of which there was a ton!
> I still feel like there is stuff she hasn't told me. It started out as jaw dropping, but I feel just numb about it, and if there is a guy that she met before me, I just have to assume she let him have sex with her.
> 
> Regarding last week, she said there were 2 women and 3 men there, but I'm a bit dubious about her friend and her boyfriend being there. She said that they went there because they often asked the guys whose house it was if they could stay there, because they didn't have a place to be alone. It didn't quite make sense. The only people I know for certain were the 2 other guys. Both of which drove her home apparently, she didn't actually get a cab, that was a lie too.
> 
> I have no proof of anything though. She didn't shower immediately. We did have sex that night, and she did seem a bit different, but not in the way you might imagine. She was actually drier than normal to be honest. Don't really know what that means.
> 
> As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!


Look, it is obvious your wife will spread her legs for almost anyone. It is unfortunate you found out this late in the game. You can certainly choose to stay married, but you know your wife has no problem lying to your face and has no problem spreading her legs for guys. Those two things don't usually add up to a happy marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!


marriage worthy is not the same thing as being female or male.

"Marriage worthy" is a label for safe partners. It's for partners who are open and transparent from the start. It's for partners who have the right boundaries and see things like "intimacy" the same way you do. It's for partners who value you and protect your heart from harm.

She is not marriage worthy. You just aren't seeing it yet because she's pretty. I did the same thing. Welcome to the Titanic.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

I think the answer is a lot more simple than what is being posted by others. I feel that your wife is suffering from sex addiction and she is ashamed of it and trying to hide her addiction as most addicts do 

You stated you two have sex multiple times a day, she still masturbates, and you feel like she wants even more. This points to a medical issue and I would urge to to get her to see a doctor. You obviously don't want to kill her drive, but reduce it. I also have no doubt that she has slept around with multiple guys while you two are married. You don't have proof, so I wouldn't complicate things with unverifiable accusations. But it's up to you as to whether you can see her actions as part of her addiction or you might not be able to move past this. But keep in mind that addictions can absolutely be stronger than our us and mask the person who is underneath.


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## lifeistooshort

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I believe she means this woman and similar. Not all women of course.


Yes, thank you 🙂


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## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> Look, it is obvious your wife will spread her legs for almost anyone. It is unfortunate you found out this late in the game. You can certainly choose to stay married, but you know your wife has no problem lying to your face and has no problem spreading her legs for guys. Those two things don't usually add up to a happy marriage.


I accept that she used to spread her legs for almost anyone. But I don't want to just jump to the conclusion that it means she always will. I want to believe people can change.


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## lifeistooshort

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I accept that she used to spread her legs for almost anyone. But I don't want to just jump to the conclusion that it means she always will. I want to believe people can change.


Some absolutely do change, but she's displaying shady behavior right now.

That's why I suggested you have a sit down and agree on some hard boundaries. Her willingness to abide by them and be honest will give you a good idea of whether she's changed.


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## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


My ex wife was wild in her youth as well and slept with hundreds of men in her escort days, maybe a thousand or so, I dont know the number really and I never really cared. When she met me she had already given all that up but she never lied to me in this, omitted sure but never bald face lied and always gave me transparency, understood and upkept boundaries and quite frankly she's one woman I fully trust to this day. In fact she's more trustworthy than me.

So an extremely high drive woman who was promiscious doesn't mean she's going to be a liar and a cheater, which sadly, your wife does fit the bill.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think the answer is a lot more simple than what is being posted by others. I feel that your wife is suffering from sex addiction and she is ashamed of it and trying to hide her addiction as most addicts do
> 
> You stated you two have sex multiple times a day, she still masturbates, and you feel like she wants even more. This points to a medical issue and I would urge to to get her to see a doctor. You obviously don't want to kill her drive, but reduce it. I also have no doubt that she has slept around with multiple guys while you two are married. You don't have proof, so I wouldn't complicate things with unverifiable accusations. But it's up to you as to whether you can see her actions as part of her addiction or you might not be able to move past this. But keep in mind that addictions can absolutely be stronger than our us and mask the person who is underneath.


Thank you for this. I have actually considered that she might be a sex addict, and I actually mentioned it to her and she just laughed it off as silly. She is definitely an alcoholic and has really bad drinking problems both during our marriage and throughout her life.

Some of the things she has told me does sound like the description of an addiction. She told me she would push away guys that were nice to her, and if guys were too into her, she would just drop them and move on. She also said there was a lot of times when she didn't even really get much from the sex but yet she kept doing it.

Regarding cheating with multiple guys, there were a lot of times when she was drinking when she would drink all the booze in the house and then go out to the bar, leaving me with the kids and then not come home until the early ours of the morning. It was really bad, but while I hated her drinking, I always assumed she was faithful, because I didn't have the context of her past then, and her sex drive wasn't as high as it is now. But now, looking back, there are a lot of things that could have happened.


----------



## re16

OP, your wife has been cheating on you and you have essentially caught her red handed.

Take a step a back and look at the big picture, she hasn't massively changed for you only and is suddenly some angel.

Likely the only thing she has improved on since being with you is hiding her cheating better, and she is still not that good at it...

With this situation being so obvious, if you stay with her, any damage and pain she inflicts on you is likely deserved.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

RandomDude said:


> My ex wife was wild in her youth as well and slept with hundreds of men in her escort days, maybe a thousand or so, I dont know the number really and I never really cared. When she met me she had already given all that up but she never lied to me in this, omitted sure but never bald face lied and always gave me transparency, understood and upkept boundaries and quite frankly she's one woman I fully trust to this day. In fact she's more trustworthy than me.
> 
> So an extremely high drive woman who was promiscious doesn't mean she's going to be a liar and a cheater, which sadly, your wife does fit the bill.


I'm not sure whether to take your reply as encouraging or not. It is good to see that just because a woman has slept with over thousand men, doesn't mean she can't be faithful. And, for the record, while I think she might have actually slept with over a thousand men, she was never paid to. In fact there are a number of instances that she has mentioned where she slept with someone who was providing her with a service, she insisted on paying for the service so it didn't seem like she was paying for it with sex.

I know she has lied, but I can honestly see the logic in each lie, so I don't know.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I accept that she used to spread her legs for almost anyone. But I don't want to just jump to the conclusion that it means she always will. I want to believe people can change.


People can change, but your wife has a more recent history of getting drunk then spending the night out. I hope you aren't naïve enough to believe that a drunk with an extremely promiscuous past would have the self control to remain steadfastly faithful. Add to that, she had zero problem lying straight to your face and even doubled down when you confronted her with proof. That says she really hasn't changed.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not sure whether to take your reply as encouraging or not. It is good to see that just because a woman has slept with over thousand men, doesn't mean she can't be faithful. And, for the record, while I think she might have actually slept with over a thousand men, she was never paid to. In fact there are a number of instances that she has mentioned where she slept with someone who was providing her with a service, she insisted on paying for the service so it didn't seem like she was paying for it with sex.
> 
> I know she has lied, but I can honestly see the logic in each lie, so I don't know.


Honestly I would have more respect for a woman that slept with hundreds of men because she was a sex worker vs a woman that just did it because she was easy. At least the sex worker can say she needed to do it to get by in life. 

The logic in the lies was to conceal something from you. There was no altruistic motive behind them.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not sure whether to take your reply as encouraging or not. It is good to see that just because a woman has slept with over thousand men, doesn't mean she can't be faithful. And, for the record, while I think she might have actually slept with over a thousand men, she was never paid to. In fact there are a number of instances that she has mentioned where she slept with someone who was providing her with a service, she insisted on paying for the service so it didn't seem like she was paying for it with sex.
> 
> I know she has lied, but I can honestly see the logic in each lie, so I don't know.


The detail you've included ie I know she's lied, says it all.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

re16 said:


> OP, your wife has been cheating on you and you have essentially caught her red handed.
> 
> Take a step a back and look at the big picture, she hasn't massively changed for you only and is suddenly some angel.
> 
> Likely the only thing she has improved on since being with you is hiding her cheating better, and she is still not that good at it...
> 
> With this situation being so obvious, if you stay with her, any damage and pain she inflicts on you is likely deserved.


I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed. 

If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not sure whether to take your reply as encouraging or not. It is good to see that just because a woman has slept with over thousand men, doesn't mean she can't be faithful. And, for the record, while I think she might have actually slept with over a thousand men, she was never paid to. In fact there are a number of instances that she has mentioned where she slept with someone who was providing her with a service, she insisted on paying for the service so it didn't seem like she was paying for it with sex.
> 
> I know she has lied, but I can honestly see the logic in each lie, so I don't know.


I dont really judge or see her past promiscuity as an issue, it's her lying that is, you can't build trust with that. Also, my ex wife came from a wealthy family, she didn't do it for the money.

Also I don't know about sex addiction anymore, I used to think that about ex wife as an ex escort because she wanted sex 3x a day but then I got involved with a woman (ex fiancee) who was a virgin and she also ended up wanting sex 3x a day. Devils lottery like WTF?!

Both could abstain, ex wife did before she met me and so did ex fiancee. Both were also loyal, though ex wife was much more insatiable with her lust.

But forget all that stuff, even normal drive women cheat often and everyone knows it, so in the end it's down to the person if they are trustworthy or not, no matter their sex drive or how many guys they have fked.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed.
> 
> If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


Dude. The cheating cannot be rationalized away.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not sure whether to take your reply as encouraging or not. It is good to see that just because a woman has slept with over thousand men, doesn't mean she can't be faithful. And, for the record, while I think she might have actually slept with over a thousand men, she was never paid to. In fact there are a number of instances that she has mentioned where she slept with someone who was providing her with a service, she insisted on paying for the service so it didn't seem like she was paying for it with sex.
> 
> I know she has lied, but I can honestly see the logic in each lie, so I don't know.


The more I think about this the worse it gets. So she would let's say, call for a plumber, and just say, well he's here, I might as well screw him.



husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed.
> 
> If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


Maybe they took turns, maybe they tag teamed her. Your wife is obviously capable of either. Tell her to take a polygraph about that night. She what she says.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Wow, I've heard of the rule of 3. But this sounds like the rule of 300.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> People can change, but your wife has a more recent history of getting drunk then spending the night out. I hope you aren't naïve enough to believe that a drunk with an extremely promiscuous past would have the self control to remain steadfastly faithful. Add to that, she had zero problem lying straight to your face and even doubled down when you confronted her with proof. That says she really hasn't changed.


Well at the time it all happened, I didn't know about her past. The other thing that always made me not fear the worst is that although she came home really late, she did come home. She didn't stay out all night.

Obviously I know more, but she usually didn't end up in some rowdy bar or nightclub, she would go to the local neighbourhood pub, because her goal was drinking, not anything else. The scary thing though, is it happened a lot, so I feel that either she has been completely faithful to me, and I'm worrying over nothing. Or she has cheated on me A LOT, with A LOT of men. Because if she was going to cheat the one time, there isn't much to stop her the other times.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

RandomDude said:


> I dont really judge or see her past promiscuity as an issue, it's her lying that is, you can't build trust with that. Also, my ex wife came from a wealthy family, she didn't do it for the money.
> 
> Also I don't know about sex addiction anymore, I used to think that about ex wife as an ex escort because she wanted sex 3x a day but then I got involved with a woman (ex fiancee) who was a virgin and she also ended up wanting sex 3x a day. Devils lottery like WTF?!
> 
> Both could abstain, ex wife did before she met me and so did ex fiancee. Both were also loyal, though ex wife was much more insatiable with her lust.
> 
> But forget all that stuff, even normal drive women cheat often and everyone knows it, so in the end it's down to the person if they are trustworthy or not, no matter their sex drive or how many guys they have fked.


I agree that you can't judge by her sexual partner count alone. People really can change and someone with a lot of partners could be loyal to one. That would be true without any other extenuating circumstances. In this case she is also an alcoholic with a history of getting drunk then going out all night while leaving hubby ad kids at home. She has also just proven she has no issue with lying. Combine that with her past and it makes a whole world of difference.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Well at the time it all happened, I didn't know about her past. The other thing that always made me not fear the worst is that although she came home really late, she did come home. She didn't stay out all night.
> 
> Obviously I know more, but she usually didn't end up in some rowdy bar or nightclub, she would go to the local neighbourhood pub, because her goal was drinking, not anything else. The scary thing though, is it happened a lot, so I feel that either she has been completely faithful to me, and I'm worrying over nothing. Or she has cheated on me A LOT, with A LOT of men. Because if she was going to cheat the one time, there isn't much to stop her the other times.


It is a ****ty position to be in and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Try not to let your love blind you to reality. Only you can decide if you can live with all these questions and concerns floating around in your mind.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Thank you for this. I have actually considered that she might be a sex addict, and I actually mentioned it to her and she just laughed it off as silly. She is definitely an alcoholic and has really bad drinking problems both during our marriage and throughout her life.
> 
> Some of the things she has told me does sound like the description of an addiction. She told me she would push away guys that were nice to her, and if guys were too into her, she would just drop them and move on. She also said there was a lot of times when she didn't even really get much from the sex but yet she kept doing it.
> 
> Regarding cheating with multiple guys, there were a lot of times when she was drinking when she would drink all the booze in the house and then go out to the bar, leaving me with the kids and then not come home until the early ours of the morning. It was really bad, but while I hated her drinking, I always assumed she was faithful, because I didn't have the context of her past then, and her sex drive wasn't as high as it is now. But now, looking back, there are a lot of things that could have happened.


Going to be very blunt here..... She is in crisis mode and you don't appear to be doing anything about it.

She is suffering from sex addiction and alcoholism. I will be damned if I let my spouse sit around drinking all day and then driving out to bars all night. I would take the keys or I would tell her I am calling the police if you pull out of this driveway. Because at this point, it's about your safety and the safety of others.

I do not wish violence on anyone. But I feel like an intoxicated sex addict is a prime target for people who are up to no good. I feel like unless you take immediate action, you are going to get a late night call from the hospital trauma unit that she has been attacked/raped, or has been in a serious accident, or worse and she is dead. This will affect you and the children.... Get off the internet and hold an intervention for your wife. The longer you keep ignoring this, the worse it will get.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> The more I think about this the worse it gets. So she would let's say, call for a plumber, and just say, well he's here, I might as well screw him.
> 
> 
> Maybe they took turns, maybe they tag teamed her. Your wife is obviously capable of either. Tell her to take a polygraph about that night. She what she says.


Well, not a plumber, but well....yes. Tattooists and taxi drivers that she's mentioned.

Well she has never actually mentioned that she's done 3 somes and multiple partners, but her sister got a reputation for that in school and she hates her sister. She it's possible she has and doesn't like mentioning it because it makes her feel like she is like here sister.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Wow, I've heard of the rule of 3. But this sounds like the rule of 300.


The number she told me when we got together was 12. So it could well be the rule of 100.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Well, not a plumber, but well....yes. Tattooists and taxi drivers that she's mentioned.
> 
> Well she has never actually mentioned that she's done 3 somes and multiple partners, but her sister got a reputation for that in school and she hates her sister. She it's possible she has and doesn't like mentioning it because it makes her feel like she is like here sister.


Well, now I'm speechless.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Well, not a plumber, but well....yes. Tattooists and taxi drivers that she's mentioned.
> 
> Well she has never actually mentioned that she's done 3 somes and multiple partners, but her sister got a reputation for that in school and she hates her sister. She it's possible she has and doesn't like mentioning it because it makes her feel like she is like here sister.


Dude, a taxi driver? So after mere minutes of interaction with a driver she screws him? You have to know this kind of behavior doesn't just stop. Especially while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs when what little natural inhibitions she had were gone.


----------



## In Absentia

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I figured it was more important to confront her early so it would be easier to deal with any lies or excuses she came up with. Things get lost in the mists of time.


I understand that...


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Going to be very blunt here..... She is in crisis mode and you don't appear to be doing anything about it.
> 
> She is suffering from sex addiction and alcoholism. I will be damned if I let my spouse sit around drinking all day and then driving out to bars all night. I would take the keys or I would tell her I am calling the police if you pull out of this driveway. Because at this point, it's about your safety and the safety of others.
> 
> I do not wish violence on anyone. But I feel like an intoxicated sex addict is a prime target for people who are up to no good. I feel like unless you take immediate action, you are going to get a late night call from the hospital trauma unit that she has been attacked/raped, or has been in a serious accident, or worse and she is dead. This will affect you and the children.... Get off the internet and hold an intervention for your wife. The longer you keep ignoring this, the worse it will get.


We live in the UK, we don't drive everywhere. She didn't drive to the bar. Also, I tried EVERYTHING. I blocked the door, she would go out the back door. I wasn't going to get physical with her, and that was all that was left. Also the really bad drinking and going out to bars happened in the past, this isn't happening now.


----------



## Numb26

I really hope you have gotten yourself tested


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> We live in the UK, we don't drive everywhere. She didn't drive to the bar. Also, I tried EVERYTHING. I blocked the door, she would go out the back door. I wasn't going to get physical with her, and that was all that was left. Also the really bad drinking and going out to bars happened in the past, this isn't happening now.


So, a taxi driver took her to the bar while drunk, hmm


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> The number she told me when we got together was 12. So it could well be the rule of 100.


dang, reversed I guess we are all in the decimals.


----------



## RandomDude

BigDaddyNY said:


> Dude, a taxi driver? So after mere minutes of interaction with a driver she screws him?


Yeah, that's normal, new **** every hour or so with my ex and she enjoyed it during her youth.

Yet when I brought up an open marriage she was like "I'm not a ***** you can pass around to your mates", which was funny coming from her. Past can be past.

Not saying it's the case here as obviously OP's wife is a habitual liar, but I guess I don't connect her past and present.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> Dude, a taxi driver? So after mere minutes of interaction with a driver she screws him? You have to know this kind of behavior doesn't just stop. Especially while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs when what little natural inhibitions she had were gone.


Yeah. From what she has told me, yes, a few minutes of interaction with a guy before she sleep with him was not uncommon. She worked in a lot of bars, and she had ended up in the parking lot with guys on her her work breaks. She also used to find guys from Craigslist. After splitting up with a boyfriend (because he went to jail) she got into hooking up with random guys from Craigslist.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> So, a taxi driver took her to the bar while drunk, hmm


No. We lived within walking distance of about 4 local pubs.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yeah. From what she has told me, yes, a few minutes of interaction with a guy before she sleep with him was not uncommon. She worked in a lot of bars, and she had ended up in the parking lot with guys on her her work breaks. She also used to find guys from Craigslist. After splitting up with a boyfriend (because he went to jail) she got into hooking up with random guys from Craigslist.


So she's like a genuine sex addict


----------



## RandomDude

Question is whether she's a 'was' or 'still is' which we may never know...

But what we do know is she is a habitual bold faced liar which doesn't really do wonders for trust...


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> So she's like a genuine sex addict


I think so, yeah. One thing that I makes some sense now is that she was always incredibly casual about sex. Sex was both not a big deal, but always on her mind. If she wants sex she never really seduces me, just says, "you wanna do it".


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I think so, yeah. One thing that I makes some sense now is that she was always incredibly casual about sex. Sex was both not a big deal, but always on her mind. *If she wants sex she never really seduces me, *just says, "you wanna do it".


 haha yup that sounds like both my exs lol, but remember only one of them was promiscuous


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

BigDaddyNY said:


> So, a taxi driver took her to the bar while drunk, hmm


I wonder what the method of payment was 😁


----------



## ConanHub

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


Well that's all bad news.

She has established a foundation of lying in your relationship.

She clearly does this to manipulate you for the outcome she desires.

I wouldn't put up with her behavior especially given a history that she probably needs therapy to overcome.

You should put your foot down about requiring her to get therapy and couples counseling with you to see if she can become healthy enough to continue in a marriage she obviously shouldn't have started.

She needs to stay away from the friend and guys she lied to you about for the purpose of spending time with them.

You have to be able to draw a hard line and establish healthy boundaries or nothing you read here will help you at all.

You married a hot mess and I really doubt after her pattern of lies that she's telling you everything now.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yeah. From what she has told me, yes, a few minutes of interaction with a guy before she sleep with him was not uncommon. She worked in a lot of bars, and she had ended up in the parking lot with guys on her her work breaks. She also used to find guys from Craigslist. After splitting up with a boyfriend (because he went to jail) she got into hooking up with random guys from Craigslist.


😳 😲 😳 😲 😳 With all the guys she has been with, it must look like an old catchers mitt down there 😳


----------



## ConanHub

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I accept that she used to spread her legs for almost anyone. But I don't want to just jump to the conclusion that it means she always will. I want to believe people can change.


You want to believe a woman that has lied to you pretty consistently?

I have a wonderful beach house in Montana for sale if you're interested.

It overlooks the Caspian sea.....🙄


----------



## blackclover3

just fyi
you mentioned she was dry, this means 
1- she had sex earlier, and the other person used condoms. side effects dryness
2- or she did something bad and sex with you was a cover up. may be she just had oral sex and was afraid you would find out

DNA test your kid and get tested again for STD. protect yourself and report her drinking so you can get custody of your son. 

come on, you are a guy and smart enough

Drunk Married Woman + sex addict + staying out late in bars + getting ride home from two strange guys after being alone with them in a house = virgin or not a cheater?


----------



## GusPolinski

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


How many kids?

If the answer is “none”, do yourself a huge favor and get out now.

If, on the other hand, you do have kids (or a kid), I’d still advise getting out but being a bit more strategic about it.

Oh, and DNA testing them.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

blackclover3 said:


> just fyi
> you mentioned she was dry, this means
> 1- she had sex earlier, and the other person used condoms. side effects dryness
> 2- or she did something bad and sex with you was a cover up. may be she just had oral sex and was afraid you would find out
> 
> DNA test your kid and get tested again for STD. protect yourself and report her drinking so you can get custody of your son.
> 
> come on, you are a guy and smart enough
> 
> Drunk Married Woman + sex addict + staying out late in bars + getting ride home from two strange guys after being alone with them in a house = virgin or not a cheater?


Yeah, one of my first thoughts was that maybe they used a condom, but I didn't smell that latex smell, so I'm not sure.

You make a compelling case. But just because it could have happened, doesn't mean it did happen.


----------



## In Absentia

GusPolinski said:


> How many kids?
> 
> If the answer is “none”, do yourself a huge favor and get out now.
> 
> If, on the other hand, you do have kids (or a kid), I’d still advise getting out but being a bit more strategic about it.
> 
> Oh, and DNA testing them.


The OP mentions post-natal depression...


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

GusPolinski said:


> How many kids?
> 
> If the answer is “none”, do yourself a huge favor and get out now.
> 
> If, on the other hand, you do have kids (or a kid), I’d still advise getting out but being a bit more strategic about it.
> 
> Oh, and DNA testing them.


We have kids


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> 😳 😲 😳 😲 😳 With all the guys she has been with, it must look like an old catchers mitt down there 😳


Surprisingly not


----------



## GusPolinski

In Absentia said:


> The OP mentions post-natal depression...


I skim and scan. 🤷🏻‍♂️


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

In Absentia said:


> The OP mentions post-natal depression...


Post nasal suppression? 

Sorry, that just popped out there. 

Post natal depression can be a real thing.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Post-natal means the baby is depressed after birth not the mother.

I think the term everyone is looking for is post-partum.


----------



## Trustless Marriage

You don't need anyone here to tell you what kind of person you married. The worst part is she decided your future by lying to you. She had her fun and now she wanted to settle down but how does she find a man who will accept her? Simple - lie to him. Based on what you said and her past she was screwing around again. She's done it so many times to so many men that it's easy for her to get away with it. History is a good prediction of the future. Don't buy the "I didn't think you would understand" speech for a second. She's probably used that hundreds of times to all her men. I don't see this ending well for you. Have her take a lie detector test and lay down rules on going out without you. Otherwise, good luck.


----------



## RandomDude

Trustless Marriage said:


> She had her fun and now she wanted to settle down but how does she find a man who will accept her? Simple - lie to him.


Irony is that she didn't have to, OP sounds like a man who would have accepted her past. This is the problem with starting a relationship with a foundation of lies, you keep having to lie to keep the chair upright eventually the leg the chair depends on will collapse.


----------



## In Absentia

CallingDrLove said:


> Post-natal means the baby is depressed after birth not the mother.
> 
> I think the term everyone is looking for is post-partum.


we use postnatal depression in the UK… the baby is not depressed, the mother is… I know I have an Italian flag right now, but I usually live in the UK… 









Postnatal depression


Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth.




www.nhs.uk


----------



## CallingDrLove

In Absentia said:


> we use postnatal depression in the UK… the baby is not depressed, the mother is… I know I have an Italian flag right now, but I usually live in the UK…
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Postnatal depression
> 
> 
> Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.nhs.uk





WHO Technical Consultation on Postpartum Care - WHO Technical Consultation on Postpartum and Postnatal Care - NCBI Bookshelf



They can be used interchangeably but post-partum is more specific as it only refers to the mother.

A few years back they wanted to change the term bacterial vaginosis to vaginal bacteriosis because they thought the old term implied that it was the bacteria that had an inflamed vagina. The point of this being a hilarious example of the changing nature of medical nomenclature.


----------



## In Absentia

CallingDrLove said:


> WHO Technical Consultation on Postpartum Care - WHO Technical Consultation on Postpartum and Postnatal Care - NCBI Bookshelf
> 
> 
> 
> They can be used interchangeably but post-partum is more specific as it only refers to the mother.
> 
> A few years back they wanted to change the term bacterial vaginosis to vaginal bacteriosis because they thought the old term implied that it was the bacteria that had an inflamed vagina.


ok… you are the doctor…


----------



## snerg

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> *What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!*!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> *I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.*
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


Why? do you want to believe her?

You caught her in a lie.

She's cheating. Either physically, emotionally, or other, but be assured, she is cheating.

Dude, what married woman is going home with 3 dudes and a side woman?
What is a woman going home with 3 dudes and a side woman going to do where she needs to lie about it?

You know what happened.
She knows what happened.
She knows you know what happened.
She's hoping you're a weak person that will let her get away with this nonsense.

Open front door.
Place foot firmly on her back.
Push out of door.
Shut front door.
Lock front door and keep it locked to keep her out while chanting THOT BE GONE.

Have some respect for yourself and put an end to this nonsense.


----------



## Numb26

snerg said:


> Why? do you want to believe her?
> 
> You caught her in a lie.
> 
> She's cheating. Either physically, emotionally, or other, but be assured, she is cheating.
> 
> Dude, what married woman is going home with 3 dudes and a side woman?
> What is a woman going home with 3 dudes and a side woman going to do where she needs to lie about it?
> 
> You know what happened.
> She knows what happened.
> She knows you know what happened.
> She's hoping you're a weak person that will let her get away with this nonsense.
> 
> Open front door.
> Place foot firmly on her back.
> Push out of door.
> Shut front door.
> Lock front door and keep it locked to keep her out while chanting THOT BE GONE.
> 
> Have some respect for yourself and put an end to this nonsense.


Not many have the self respect and inner strength to do what need to be done unfortunately


----------



## QuietRiot

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed.
> 
> If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


You do realize that there are many women who actually love their family and husband and would never think to go drinking, partying and smoking weed with strange men at all hours of the night and lie about it? 

Take the cheating out of it, you have a wife who has some serious issues with being a mature and safe spouse and parent. Alcoholism is another huge concern… you indicated in another post she says she only has one drink if any…For an alcoholic one drink is all it takes. You are missing the forest for the trees; she is an unsafe partner. That’s why you don’t trust her, nor should you…and that’s why you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach. 

When the partying begins the affairs happen too. It goes with the lifestyle. 

Looking back at the 2 years before my WH cheated, I should have given him the choice to quit every behavior that was unacceptable or be single. Because these behaviors were enough all on their own to lose the marriage BEFORE the cheating began. I’d implore you to examine what a wife and partner is and is not and don’t make excuses or smoke the hopium pipe.


----------



## frusdil

Sex with more than 100 people? Gross - whether man or woman, Yuck.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Wow, she probably crosses paths with someone she has ****ed before almost every time she leaves the house. No way would I be with someone like her. Every time she's out of your sight, your mind must wonder what she is up to.


----------



## Diana7

frusdil said:


> Sex with more than 100 people? Gross - whether man or woman, Yuck.


I think it got to at least 130 from what op said, and that wasn't including guys she met in bars and one night stands. Could be up to 200.


----------



## Diana7

A person who has slept with 100-200 people and lied to you about it, who has cheated on everyone she has been with and lied about who she was with recently is probably 99.999999% likely to have cheated that night if not many other nights.
I have no idea how you can possibly ever trust her.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Trustless Marriage said:


> You don't need anyone here to tell you what kind of person you married. The worst part is she decided your future by lying to you. She had her fun and now she wanted to settle down but how does she find a man who will accept her? Simple - lie to him. Based on what you said and her past she was screwing around again. She's done it so many times to so many men that it's easy for her to get away with it. History is a good prediction of the future. Don't buy the "I didn't think you would understand" speech for a second. She's probably used that hundreds of times to all her men. I don't see this ending well for you. Have her take a lie detector test and lay down rules on going out without you. Otherwise, good luck.


Maybe I shouldn't, but I do at least understand her decision to lie about her sexual history. I know it's extreme, but there is also a societal double standard that is hard to ignore, even for me, when I'm trying to be as fair as possible. I still don't know how much of my reaction to her promiscuity was due to the fact she is a woman doing it as opposed to a man.

Maybe the one "necessary" lie, made it easier to make other lies, I don't know.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

snerg said:


> Why? do you want to believe her?
> 
> You caught her in a lie.
> 
> She's cheating. Either physically, emotionally, or other, but be assured, she is cheating.
> 
> Dude, what married woman is going home with 3 dudes and a side woman?
> What is a woman going home with 3 dudes and a side woman going to do where she needs to lie about it?
> 
> You know what happened.
> She knows what happened.
> She knows you know what happened.
> She's hoping you're a weak person that will let her get away with this nonsense.
> 
> Open front door.
> Place foot firmly on her back.
> Push out of door.
> Shut front door.
> Lock front door and keep it locked to keep her out while chanting THOT BE GONE.
> 
> Have some respect for yourself and put an end to this nonsense.


I want to believe her, because I don't want it to be true that she has cheated. I want to think the best. I want the woman I love to be faithful.

I know she went home with 2 guys. The third guy and the other woman is less clear. I think she might have added that to make it seem less weird.

I know you all think it's easy to just walk away, but we have kids and a life together, so I better be 100% sure before I mess any of that up.


----------



## Evinrude58

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm sorry to say that when you combine your wife's sexual history, her high drive, the lying and the story as you shared it, she had sex with at least one of those men that night. Zero question about it. The lie and doubling down on it is all you need to know. She didn't lie because she thought you would worry, she lied because she didn't want you to know she was out late shagging other guys while you sat home worrying about her. Don't be a fool.


You need to read this about ten times. Then post it in your refrigerator.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

QuietRiot said:


> You do realize that there are many women who actually love their family and husband and would never think to go drinking, partying and smoking weed with strange men at all hours of the night and lie about it?
> 
> Take the cheating out of it, you have a wife who has some serious issues with being a mature and safe spouse and parent. Alcoholism is another huge concern… you indicated in another post she says she only has one drink if any…For an alcoholic one drink is all it takes. You are missing the forest for the trees; she is an unsafe partner. That’s why you don’t trust her, nor should you…and that’s why you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach.
> 
> When the partying begins the affairs happen too. It goes with the lifestyle.
> 
> Looking back at the 2 years before my WH cheated, I should have given him the choice to quit every behavior that was unacceptable or be single. Because these behaviors were enough all on their own to lose the marriage BEFORE the cheating began. I’d implore you to examine what a wife and partner is and is not and don’t make excuses or smoke the hopium pipe.


I have told her many times that she should have ZERO drinks if she is in social situations, because it can sneak up on you. She says she understands, but in social pressure situations it's hard.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

frusdil said:


> Sex with more than 100 people? Gross - whether man or woman, Yuck.





Diana7 said:


> I think it got to at least 130 from what op said, and that wasn't including guys she met in bars and one night stands. Could be up to 200.


Yes, I know for a fact it is over 130 guys. I am almost certain it is over 200 guys. I'm pretty sure it is over 500 guys, and I think it's possible it is over 1,000.



Tested_by_stress said:


> Wow, she probably crosses paths with someone she has ****ed before almost every time she leaves the house. No way would I be with someone like her. Every time she's out of your sight, your mind must wonder what she is up to.


If she hasn't cheated, then this isn't true. My wife grew up a long way from where we live, so none of those men are in the local area. When we go back to visit her family however, that is true. And I have to face the fact that every guy I've ever met from her past, or any guy we have run into in her hometown, has more than likely slept with her. 

If she HAS cheated, and not just with the guys last week, but also if she cheated when she went through her bouts of depression and drinking, then yeah, there might be a lot of guys in town that she might run into.


----------



## dadstartingover

The amount of energy needed to maintain a relationship with such a boundaryless person... well... it's just not worth the hassle. You'll go crazy in the process. Yes, she's probably cheated and will do so repeatedly throughout your relationship. 

*Check out my website here.*


----------



## Evinrude58

Who cares if she’s cheating????
She’s an alcoholic that gets drunk and leaves you and the kids and goes out to a bar until wee hours of the morning!!!!

she’s not cheating. She’s just continuing as she has her while life while you sit at home with the kids and your head in the sand. You know exactly what she’s up to and are unwilling to leave because you are afraid you can’t find an attractive woman who is good in bed. It certainly isn’t her parenting skills you’ll miss.

wake up. Look around….


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

RandomDude said:


> Irony is that she didn't have to, OP sounds like a man who would have accepted her past. This is the problem with starting a relationship with a foundation of lies, you keep having to lie to keep the chair upright eventually the leg the chair depends on will collapse.


I thought about this a lot. If I had all the facts at the beginning of our relationship, would I still be with her? If I got over the initial shock of it all, and I was able to come to terms with it in my own time, then maybe I could deal with it, yeah.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Diana7 said:


> A person who has slept with 100-200 people and lied to you about it, who has cheated on everyone she has been with and lied about who she was with recently is probably 99.999999% likely to have cheated that night if not many other nights.
> I have no idea how you can possibly ever trust her.


I hope that I'm not in the same category in her head as all those other guys she cheated on. She didn't marry them, after all. People can change.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I thought about this a lot. If I had all the facts at the beginning of our relationship, would I still be with her? If I got over the initial shock of it all, and I was able to come to terms with it in my own time, then maybe I could deal with it, yeah.


Not to mention if she proved herself honest and transparent about it from the get go, proved herself a different person compared to her past despite the shock of it all, it would have added points in her favor instead of all this fking around - in which you can't really tell if she has really changed or decided to just find a guy to marry without first making herself a woman of quality, of which she is obviously not with all her lies and tomfkery


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I hope that I'm not in the same category in her head as all those other guys she cheated on. She didn't marry them, after all. People can change.


Regardless of which category you fall under, she is in the category of liars and cheaters I'm afraid.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

For the the record OP, that kind of body count is disgusting no matter what gender you are. if one of my friends told me he'd been with that many people, it would definitely lower my opinion of him.


----------



## QuietRiot

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I have told her many times that she should have ZERO drinks if she is in social situations, because it can sneak up on you. She says she understands, but in social pressure situations it's hard.


It’s really not difficult to make good choices. She just does not want to. I’m sorry, but get used to this. It’s going to get 10x worse after she starts working there.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

QuietRiot said:


> It’s really not difficult to make good choices. She just does not want to. I’m sorry, but get used to this. It’s going to get 10x worse after she starts working there.


Yeah, I told her she needs to be careful because it's a drinking culture there. Also, even if nothing happened, if word gets around that she went home with 2 guys from the office, she might get a reputation before she even starts.


----------



## Evinrude58

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yeah, I told her she needs to be careful because it's a drinking culture there. Also, even if nothing happened, if word gets around that she went home with 2 guys from the office, she might get a reputation before she even starts.


She didn’t answer the phone for two hours, drunk, at a private home with men. She’s attractive. She’s started.


----------



## DudeInProgress

You’re in a very bad situation, it sucks and I feel for you.
So you had about five pages now of explaining, defending, equivocating, rationalizing. And that’s fine, but I would suggest it’s time to start doing, and take control of your situation.

You’ve had a lot of people telling you largely the same thing, that you’re in big trouble and you need to take action. 
You chose very poorly with your wife, but as you correctly noted, that ship has sailed and you are where you are. The question now is what are you going to do to take control and improve the situation?

You need to decide what you are willing to accept/tolerate in your marriage and what you will not. You need to decide what kind of marriage you want and what your expectations are for your marriage and your wife. It’s your job to set the tone, direction and expectations for your marriage. You need to start leading your marriage and setting/enforcing appropriate expectations and boundaries. 
So far, you’ve been extraordinarily passive, weak and permissive, which is just as much of the problem as your wife’s faulty nature. That needs to change immediately if you want any hope of staying in this marriage (which I wouldn’t advise, but you do you), or even leaving it with a shred of your dignity intact.

Your current situation is untenable, so you need to drastically improve it or leave it, fast. It’s time to decide, make a plan and take action. So the question is, what are you going to DO?


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "Jaw dropping promiscuity" that's a good way to describe it. When she was telling me, my jaw did literally drop! And she wasn't even completely honest about it at first. She just said that she had no idea how many guys she'd been with because she never kept count, so I said:
> "Is it more than 20?", "Yes"
> "Is it more than 40?", "Yes"
> "Is it more than 60?", "Erm, it's maybe about that"
> I realise now that she just realised that it would take a LONG time to get close to the truth and she I guess was embarrassed.
> But we then went through he Facebook friends list, and she counted up all the guys on that list that she has been with and it was already more than the number she had said.
> So then she changed her story and said it was "about 100".
> Well since then I've been keeping track of all the guys she has mentioned by name and things she has told me, and adding all them up gets to over 130 guys. And that doesn't include all of the random hookup guys and guys from bars, of which there was a ton!
> I still feel like there is stuff she hasn't told me. It started out as jaw dropping, but I feel just numb about it, and if there is a guy that she met before me, I just have to assume she let him have sex with her.
> 
> Regarding last week, she said there were 2 women and 3 men there, but I'm a bit dubious about her friend and her boyfriend being there. She said that they went there because they often asked the guys whose house it was if they could stay there, because they didn't have a place to be alone. It didn't quite make sense. The only people I know for certain were the 2 other guys. Both of which drove her home apparently, she didn't actually get a cab, that was a lie too.
> 
> I have no proof of anything though. She didn't shower immediately. We did have sex that night, and she did seem a bit different, but not in the way you might imagine. She was actually drier than normal to be honest. Don't really know what that means.
> 
> As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!


She has ALL of her "ex" hookups on her FB as FRIENDS? Ummmm, NO.
She is seeking validation and it really sounds like she DID have sex that night (or at the very least fooled around).
There was NO reason AT ALL for her to be there. 
Can you get a hold of her phone to look at? 
You may want to have her take a polygraph to get to the bottom of this. She has an awful history of cheating, has NO view of sex as anything other than just having sex (obviously no emotional part at all which makes it easy for her to compartmentalize it away), and her libido is through the roof. 
IF you decide to NOT do this, then get a PI on her when she goes out...


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed.
> 
> If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


You are ok for a KNOWN alcoholic, who bangs random guys when drunk (or "did" in her past according to her) to go out and have drinks at a bar? You are ok for an addict to go out and smoke weed? SERIOUSLY?
You believe ANYTHING she tells you? You've already said she lies -- why do you believe her? Because you want to...


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I wasn't going to get physical with her, and that was all that was left.


Wrong -- telling her you were done and divorcing her was certainly another way to handle it.


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Maybe I shouldn't, but I do at least understand her decision to lie about her sexual history. I know it's extreme, but there is also a societal double standard that is hard to ignore, even for me, when I'm trying to be as fair as possible. I still don't know how much of my reaction to her promiscuity was due to the fact she is a woman doing it as opposed to a man.
> 
> Maybe the one "necessary" lie, made it easier to make other lies, I don't know.


It would be disgusting for a man to have hundreds of partners also -- NO double standard here at all.

Also, IF you stay with her, she should NOT be taking that job where she hung out with those guys and that woman. BAD BAD influences to take an alcoholic out drinking...


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Please OP, wake up. You want so desperately to believe that your wife is the diamond in the rough. The reformed town-bicycle. I've never met one in real life, nor do I know of someone (except for one poster here) who did.

The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. After so many partners, she doesn't value sex the same as you. To her having sex is akin to shaking hands, just a bit more tingly and intense.

I would have divorced my wife for having lied about her sexual history alone, never mind the fact that you caught her in the lies of that particular evening.

Looking at things in context, the chances of her not having slept with one or both of those men is so close to zero that I would discount it as a possibility.

But, you wouldn't believe it if you didn't walk in on her with a man on-top of her and you would still believe it if she exclaimed: "This is not what it looks like!"

Get a hold of her phone, download software to restore her phone to your PC and review her conversations in, around and leading up to the night in question. At the very least I can guarantee you will find that the lies she told you already is not the only thing she's hiding from you.

If you keep on defending her to us and more importantly to your gut that is shouting for your brain to stop rationalizing what is staring you in the face, then live a continued life of being her wallet and safe haven while she does exactly anything she pleases with whom she pleases.

If that is your choice, then Godspeed to you and your "wife" has struck gold. Just don't cry yourself to sleep while she is out to a "work" function with these guys and doesn't come home because she is "just working on her promotion".

Denial is not a river in Egypt even-though you seem quite happy bathing (nay drowning) in it.


----------



## stillthinking

What did Dr Dre say about this topic?


----------



## In Absentia

OP, I would keep my eyes peeled and see what happens. It doesn't look good and she has a terrible history, but you have kids together and I'm sure you care about her a lot. Personally, I would find it impossible to be with a woman like your wife, but we all have different levels of tolerance.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

jlg07 said:


> She has ALL of her "ex" hookups on her FB as FRIENDS? Ummmm, NO.
> She is seeking validation and it really sounds like she DID have sex that night (or at the very least fooled around).
> There was NO reason AT ALL for her to be there.
> Can you get a hold of her phone to look at?
> You may want to have her take a polygraph to get to the bottom of this. She has an awful history of cheating, has NO view of sex as anything other than just having sex (obviously no emotional part at all which makes it easy for her to compartmentalize it away), and her libido is through the roof.
> IF you decide to NOT do this, then get a PI on her when she goes out...


I didn't take it as her having her "ex-hookups" on Facebook. Until we went through her Facebook friends list together she had no idea how many guys on that list she might have been with, and on top of the ones she was definite about, there were maybe another 10 or so that couldn't remember or wasn't sure if she has slept with.

She clearly has slept with A LOT of guys from her hometown, someone else on this thread called her the town bicycle, and while that is clearly derogatory, it's hard to argue with the facts. So I don't think it's that she is keeping ex-hookups on her Facebook, it's more that she has guys from her hometown, old friend groups and school on her Facebook, and it turns out a lot of them are also guys she has slept with, because quite frankly, most guys in her hometown are guys she has slept with. 

I know you won't think that makes it better, and maybe it doesn't, but it changes her motivation for having them as Facebook friends, you know.

Regarding a polygraph. I'm in the UK, I don't think that is readily available. It's certainly not common.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

stillthinking said:


> What did Dr Dre say about this topic?


Ermm.... I don't know. I didn't realise that Dr Dre was familiar with my wife's sexual history!


----------



## manwithnoname

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ermm.... I don't know. I didn't realise that Dr Dre was familiar with my wife's sexual history!


Is Dr. Dre a Facebook friend of hers?


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I didn't take it as her having her "ex-hookups" on Facebook. Until we went through her Facebook friends list together she had no idea how many guys on that list she might have been with, and on top of the ones she was definite about, there were maybe another 10 or so that couldn't remember or wasn't sure if she has slept with.
> 
> She clearly has slept with A LOT of guys from her hometown, someone else on this thread called her the town bicycle, and while that is clearly derogatory, it's hard to argue with the facts. So I don't think it's that she is keeping ex-hookups on her Facebook, it's more that she has guys from her hometown, old friend groups and school on her Facebook, and it turns out a lot of them are also guys she has slept with, because quite frankly, most guys in her hometown are guys she has slept with.
> 
> I know you won't think that makes it better, and maybe it doesn't, but it changes her motivation for having them as Facebook friends, you know.
> 
> Regarding a polygraph. I'm in the UK, I don't think that is readily available. It's certainly not common.


You are still keeping her around, why? She has broken your trust and she continues to lie to your face, what do you really think you can salvage from this?


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

RandomDude said:


> You are still keeping her around, why? She has broken your trust and she continues to lie to your face, what do you really think you can salvage from this?


"keeping her around"? She is my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not just to just throw her away like a paper towel.


----------



## jonty30

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "keeping her around"? She is my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not just to just throw her away like a paper towel.


We can only suggest that, unless she is willing to do the work to fix herself, you are being set up for a life of low level resentment that will continually eat at you.
Whenever she is out of sight, you are going to wonder what she is up to.
The dozens of people on this board who are telling you what they are telling you are speaking from experience.
You must insist that she get counselling to deal with why affirmation from other men is so important that she is willing to throwaway her family and throwaway you to get it.
Then you both need counselling to figure out how to heal you and for her to build back her trust.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

None is so blind as he who will not see. 

You are clearly going to keep her in your life, no matter what she has done, is doing or will do in the future and you will defend her with a Will Smith slap against every piece of common sense or whatever you perceive to be derogatory (deserved or not).

You have to live with these choices you are making, you have to face the man in the mirror, with all the ghosts of her lovers, past, present and future leaning over your shoulder in the reflection. You are choosing this life for yourself. As long as you can stand in front of that mirror, tall, proud and manly, that's okay then I suppose.


----------



## Numb26

Dictum Veritas said:


> None is so blind as he who will not see.
> 
> You are clearly going to keep her in your life, no matter what she has done, is doing or will do in the future and you will defend her with a Will Smith slap against every piece of common sense or whatever you perceive to be derogatory (deserved or not).
> 
> You have to live with these choices you are making, you have to face the man in the mirror, with all the ghosts of her lovers, past, present and future leaning over your shoulder in the reflection. You are choosing this life for yourself. As long as you can stand in front of that mirror, tall, proud and manly, that's okay then I suppose.


Makes me wonder what ever happened to men having self-respect and pride


----------



## SunCMars

This post is a _rope-a-dope.
_
All dancing, prancing and whining.

No answers, no advice taken, just more lusty episodes, that we see coming.

Wrap it up.

What is you plan?

Do something, other than finding those familiar spiny-guy excuses.

Talk amounts to more, mere jaw movement.

It is your feet that need activating.

The reason you are in this pre*dic*ament is your wife's love of diks.

That is her love, but your problem.

End your problem, let her to continue to find that love.... while divorced.

Your wagging tongue and your _woe-is-me _will be over and done.

Stop playing with yourself in the dark, and we TAMMERS in the light!


Tank woo.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

SunCMars said:


> This post is a _rope-a-dope._
> 
> All dancing, prancing and whining.
> 
> No answers, no advice taken, just more lusty episodes, that we see coming.
> 
> Wrap it up.
> 
> What is you plan?
> 
> Do something, other than finding those familiar spiny-guy excuses.
> 
> Talk amounts to more, mere jaw movement.
> 
> It is your feet that need activating.
> 
> The reason you are in this pre*dic*ament is your wife's love of diks.
> 
> That is her love, but your problem.
> 
> End your problem, let her to continue to find that love.... while divorced.
> 
> Your wagging tongue and your _woe-is-me _will be over and done.
> 
> Stop playing with yourself in the dark, and we TAMMERS in the light!
> 
> 
> Tank woo.


Thank goodness you put this out there.

I'm plus 100 in agreement.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "keeping her around"? She is my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not just to just throw her away like a paper towel.


So are you waiting for a magic solution? Sadly there is none, not while she lies to your face and without trust I don't see much for you to work with.


----------



## In Absentia

Now that you told us your wife had an uplift and went from DDD to FF the whole thing is even more suspicious... she was already attracting a LOT of attention...


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I didn't take it as her having her "ex-hookups" on Facebook. Until we went through her Facebook friends list together she had no idea how many guys on that list she might have been with, and on top of the ones she was definite about, there were maybe another 10 or so that couldn't remember or wasn't sure if she has slept with.
> 
> She clearly has slept with A LOT of guys from her hometown, someone else on this thread called her the town bicycle, and while that is clearly derogatory, it's hard to argue with the facts. So I don't think it's that she is keeping ex-hookups on her Facebook, it's more that she has guys from her hometown, old friend groups and school on her Facebook, and it turns out a lot of them are also guys she has slept with, because quite frankly, most guys in her hometown are guys she has slept with.
> 
> I know you won't think that makes it better, and maybe it doesn't, but it changes her motivation for having them as Facebook friends, you know.
> 
> Regarding a polygraph. I'm in the UK, I don't think that is readily available. It's certainly not common.


No, her motivation for having them as friends on FB has NOTHING to do with it. She still has contact with her old ****-buddies. That should never be the case for someone who is married. You just have to read here how many stories there are with old ex's on FB that become new affair partners. 
The fact that she can't remember if she slept with someone should tell you a TON about her -- she doesn't value sex as any sort of emotional connection -- including with you!


----------



## Evinrude58

The thread needs to be renamed to promiscuous present. It hasn’t ever gone away. Op just caught her is all. I feel bad for him. Classic case of getting married by a woman looking for security, not love.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

In Absentia said:


> Now that you told us your wife had an uplift and went from DDD to FF the whole thing is even more suspicious... she was already attracting a LOT of attention...


Yes, she does attract a lot of attention from guys. I understand that. I initially assumed the boob job was for me. But I do wonder if it was to get more attention from other guys.


----------



## D0nnivain

It does look more & more like you are simply the latest in a long line of guys she cheated on. She has real boundary problems. The only way for you to enforce your boundaries is to walk away. She is never going to conform to the idea monogamy. She doesn't seem to be wired that way.


----------



## In Absentia

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yes, she does attract a lot of attention from guys. I understand that. I initially assumed the boob job was for me. But I do wonder if it was to get more attention from other guys.


I don't remember if you mentioned it... but is she seeing a therapist? If not, maybe she should?


----------



## seadoug105

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yes, she does attract a lot of attention from guys. I understand that. I initially assumed the *boob* *job* was for me. But I do wonder if it was to get more attention from other guys.


As if there weren’t enough “red flags”…

how long ago did she upgrade the twins??


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

In Absentia said:


> I don't remember if you mentioned it... but is she seeing a therapist? If not, maybe she should?


I mentioned it in a different thread. She has seen a therapist a few times, think it helped her stop drinking.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

seadoug105 said:


> As if there weren’t enough “red flags”…
> 
> how long ago did she upgrade the twins??


About 3 months ago.


----------



## seadoug105

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> About 3 months ago.


how many hours (only half kidding with “hours”) after her surgery did she “need to socialise” aka show them off? Im sure she said it would just be the girls but did she include you ?


----------



## snerg

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I want to believe her, because *I don't want it to be true that she has cheated. I want to think the best. I want the woman I love to be faithful.*


You are being willingly obtuse.
Stinking you head in the sand will not save you from issues.

We all want our spouse to be loving and faithful.
Wiling to avoid issues at hand will lead to a catastrophic failure, which you might be in one now.




husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I know she went home with 2 guys. The third guy and the other woman is less clear. I think she might have added that to make it seem less weird.
> 
> I know you all think it's easy to just walk away, but we have kids and a life together, so I better be 100% sure before I mess any of that up.


Walking away is not easy.
Staying is not easy.

Staying in a marriage where someone is a liar is hard.
Staying in a marriage where someone is a cheater is difficult.
Staying in a marriage where there is no trust is hard.
Admitting that there is a problem and making changes to protect yourself and kids, that's mega-difficult.
Not getting caught in the sunk cost fallacy (i.e. we've been marriage for x years and we have kids so we *HAVE *to stay together) 

I've yet to see someone in your place find any decision about what is going to happen with your life to be easy.

Sometimes, when you come onto a board like this, you have so many people that have been in you place. They all want to help and you can get inundated with 2x4's which are a shock to the system and massively overwhelming.

Take your time to process. 
You do not have to make a decision right now.

Take what you want from what I put following. Do not ne offended (I do not intent to offend). Just read with an open mind. Also, I write this with belief that your wife is a cheater:

Why simp for someone who doesn't want you?
Why white knight for someone who doesn't want you?
Why stay?

Why allow them to disrespect you?

Why allow yourself to be treated like this?

Why listen to another lie?

Why allow you children to grow up in this environment?



1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character 
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
7) Eat.
8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
11) Start to separate funds
12) 180 like your life depended on it.
12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.

Let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope they make you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else. The changes will never stick when it's done for someone else. Do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children. I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


----------



## QuietRiot

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> About 3 months ago.


Oh my…

You can’t be _this_ dedicated to denial can you??? Are you that blinded by your attraction to her boobs that you refuse to see who she is? I don’t understand you.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

QuietRiot said:


> Oh my…
> 
> You can’t be _this_ dedicated to denial can you??? Are you that blinded by your attraction to her boobs that you refuse to see who she is? I don’t understand you.


It's not so bad, she just had the new pair quality approved by at least two more pairs of hands and rewarded them for the effort, repeatedly, continuously, over and over... No big deal really, is it!?


----------



## Mybabysgotit

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Regarding cheating with multiple guys, there were a lot of times when she was drinking when she would drink all the booze in the house and then go out to the bar, leaving me with the kids and then not come home until the early ours of the morning. It was really bad, but while I hated her drinking, I always assumed she was faithful, because I didn't have the context of her past then, and her sex drive wasn't as high as it is now. But now, looking back, there are a lot of things that could have happened.


I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be so keen on my wife drinking all the booze in the house then going to a bar. Cheating or otherwise, that's a hard NO for me. Seems kind of trashy to me.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

The OP should consider himself lucky he isn't living with HIV or worse. I have to wonder what motivates a woman to be that easy? I mean, we are talking porn star level numbers here.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Tested_by_stress said:


> The OP should consider himself lucky he isn't living with HIV or worse. I have to wonder what motivates a woman to be that easy? I mean, we are talking porn star level numbers here.


Let’s go easy on the porn stars. There are a limited number of male actors in that industry so their numbers probably aren’t that high.


----------



## TRy

Although the fact that your wife has a very extensive sexual history that reflects her real views on sex is important to consider, the more important issue is her attitude about freely lying to you as a tool to manipulate you. 

She thought nothing of lying to you to get you to marry her, and she thought nothing of lying to you so that she could hang out until late at night with 2 strange men that you have never met. Lying is the number one tool of cheaters. In fact without lying cheating is almost impossible to do. 

Worse yet, she did not lie to you after she realized that she had put herself in a compromising situation with these other men (OM), she lied upfront at the beginning in order to deliberately put herself in a compromising situation with these OM. Those 2 OM were not there for her girlfriend late at night, she was was with her boyfriend, they were there for your wife. With one of them being willing to pay for a taxi, in order to get your wife to stay out later with them.

The big unanswered question is, did she take the taxi straight home from the girl friends house, or did she take it home from somewhere else? Since she freely lies, you may never know.

Your real issue is not that she has had sex with hundreds of men before you met, and lied about it. Your real issue is that she is seeing other men now and lying about it.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

TRy said:


> Although the fact that your wife has a very extensive sexual history that reflects her real views on sex is important to consider, the more important issue is her attitude about freely lying to you as a tool to manipulate you.
> 
> She thought nothing of lying to you to get you to marry her, and she thought nothing of lying to you so that she could hang out until late at night with 2 strange men that you have never met. Lying is the number one tool of cheaters. In fact without lying cheating is almost impossible to do.
> 
> Worse yet, she did not lie to you after she realized that she had put herself in a compromising situation with these other men (OM), she lied upfront at the beginning in order to deliberately put herself in a compromising situation with these OM. Those 2 OM were not there for her girlfriend late at night, she was was with her boyfriend, they were there for your wife. With one of them being willing to pay for a taxi, in order to get your wife to stay out later with them.
> 
> The big unanswered question is, did she take the taxi straight home from the girl friends house, or did she take it home from somewhere else? Since she freely lies, you may never know.
> 
> Your real issue is not that she has had sex with hundreds of men before you met, and lied about it. Your real issue is that she is seeing other men now and lying about it.


The men actually drove her home, which to me is even more of a red flag, but with the rest of your statements, I'm 100% in agreement.


----------



## 2&out

Since there's so much "hate mail" on this thread I'll just say it _IS_ possible that not all is doom and gloom. The going to another house late with couple guys is a bit over the top but it doesn't necessarily mean she's physically cheating. I'm male but I don't know my # because I didn't bother to keep track after about 20 or so. From about 18 to early 30's when I got married I spread a lot of seed (lol) and 20 a year over 10 years is 200 and well, I think (know) because of some parties and such I probably did that in a month. It's not a lie that in some careers access and opportunity is basically provided as a perk.

Even though I was / am this awful no morals guy, I never caught any disease that I'm aware of and I never cheated on my 2 wives. Ever, I was a high drive faithful partner. One of them accused me of it several times but God knows I didn't. People here are going to drive this guy to be sure his wife is the worst and make him suspicious all the time. I can tell you it's a s*itty way to live on the receiving end when just looking/admiring someone gets you accused and being tracked, and I have to believe being the accuser is even more s*cky with constant suspicion and turmoil.

Investigate if you suspect but don't convict unless you can actually prove it.


----------



## TRy

Dictum Veritas said:


> The men actually drove her home, which to me is even more of a red flag, but with the rest of your statements, I'm 100% in agreement.


In the first post the OP stated “At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.” I did not read the entire thread. If there was an update to that, I missed it. And yeah, if she and her new boobs that the OP paid for (remember she was looking for a job) was driven home late at night by one or both of the OM, that is even worse.


----------



## TRy

Double post


----------



## Dictum Veritas

TRy said:


> In the first post the OP stated “At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.” I did not read the entire thread. If there was an update to that, I missed it. And yeah, if she and her new boobs that the OP paid for (remember she was looking for a job) was driven home late at night by one or both of the OM, that is even worse.


Yeah, that turned out to be another lie she told him. Upon pressing further, she admitted they drove her home.


----------



## SunCMars

In Absentia said:


> I don't remember if you mentioned it... but is she seeing a therapist? If not, maybe she should?


Nope, she is acting on her honest instincts.
She is genuine, and no, she is not wife material.

Our poster is a fly with one wing broken, smashing into insurmountable walls and buzzing around madly.


----------



## Cynthia

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I have told her many times that she should have ZERO drinks if she is in social situations, because it can sneak up on you. She says she understands, but in social pressure situations it's hard.


Which is one of the many reasons why she shouldn’t do it. Alcoholics shouldn’t be drinking at all. Not One Drink – Ever.

The first step in overcoming an addiction is recognizing that you are powerless over the addiction, which means that you cannot control it. If you think you can indulge in the addiction, just a little, that you haven’t got a clue. One drink will lead to more.

The same applies to sexual addiction. She can’t engage in way that leads to sex and stop along the way. She can’t control it. If taking a taxi is an issue for her, imagine her going to another man’s home, especially after she has been drinking. She cannot control it. But she can lie about it.

Was your wife drunk when she got home?


husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I hope that I'm not in the same category in her head as all those other guys she cheated on. She didn't marry them, after all. People can change.


What indication has she given you that she has changed?

Your user name: husbandtryinghisbest says a lot about how you think. You think you’re trying can fix things, but that’s not true. In order to have a healthy marriage, both people have to apply themselves. You cannot make up for her dysfunction. It is a part of the marriage. She has to make an effort to change.

She may not drink as much as she did before, but something is definitely changing. Suddenly she wants sex all the time. Not a few times a day, but it sounds like it is consuming her. And she’s drinking again. And she’s lying.

Through her lies, deception, and drinking, your wife has created a toxic atmosphere where you are anxious and worried. You don’t trust her. You don’t know when you can or cannot believe her. This is not a healthy relationship. Staying in this situation is dysfunctional for you and the children. I think you should seek legal help immediately to protect yourself and your children. There’s no telling what is going to happen with her. She’s a loose cannon.



husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "keeping her around"? She is my wife and the mother of my children. I'm not just to just throw her away like a paper towel.


Of course not! But you aren’t treating her like an object. As a human being she does have value. This isn’t about that. This is about her lying and (in my opinion) obvious sexual infidelity. She has broken your trust and is a liability to your heart and your home.

This situation with her getting a breast augmentation is also concerning. I cannot understand why a woman would want to go from a DDD to anything bigger. I know numerous women with H and J cups who find it difficult to function or find clothes and have to special order their bras. It’s not fun or comfortable. It sounds like it’s part of her addictive behavior.

At the very least, sit her down and set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. She needs to get into a program Have her put a tracker on her phone and a key logger that will record all of her activity. All social media should be deleted. No drinking; not a drop. Get all alcohol out of the house, including for you. Never drink around her. Anything that connects her to her addictions should be shut down. She should find a new job. This current new job has already got her down the wrong path. I’d make this an ultimatum in order to remain married to you.

I often hear, “ultimatums don’t work,” but that’s not true. Often times, an ultimatum may be the only way to wake someone up to get help and to save yourself and your family. But you have to mean it. If you read these boards enough, you will see that the only marriages that ever truly heal after betrayal are the marriages where a true ultimatum was given.

This is not in order to control her. It is in order to be able to know what is going on in your own life! She has lied to you. There has to be some sort of accountability in order for you to move forward. There have to be boundaries in order for your relationship to ever be healthy. This is terrible for all of you, not the least of whom are the children. Being married to someone that you cannot trust is a hell all its own. Don’t stay in this situation. Do something to change it.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

2&out said:


> Since there's so much "hate mail" on this thread I'll just say it _IS_ possible that not all is doom and gloom. The going to another house late with couple guys is a bit over the top but it doesn't necessarily mean she's physically cheating. I'm male but I don't know my # because I didn't bother to keep track after about 20 or so. From about 18 to early 30's when I got married I spread a lot of seed (lol) and 20 a year over 10 years is 200 and well, I think (know) because of some parties and such I probably did that in a month. It's not a lie that in some careers access and opportunity is basically provided as a perk.
> 
> Even though I was / am this awful no morals guy, I never caught any disease that I'm aware of and I never cheated on my 2 wives. Ever, I was a high drive faithful partner. One of them accused me of it several times but God knows I didn't. People here are going to drive this guy to be sure his wife is the worst and make him suspicious all the time. I can tell you it's a s*itty way to live on the receiving end when just looking/admiring someone gets you accused and being tracked, and I have to believe being the accuser is even more s*cky with constant suspicion and turmoil.
> 
> Investigate if you suspect but don't convict unless you can actually prove it.


I really appreciate this post. Thank you. I know people on here are trying to be helpful, and I know I came on here asking for advice because I was worried. But one of my main concerns is that I was reading too much into things because of her past, and enjoying sex shouldn't infer any kind of moral judgement. Yes, she cheated on exes, but she also dated a lot of really not nice guys (not that this is an excuse).

While I think a lot of this advice is well meaning, I can hear the latent misogyny that is pretty evident in a lot of replies and I don't want to fall into the same trap.

I had a chat with her today, kind of about boundaries. She will have to chat to people over text for her job, and we both know how men can be. She said she is never flirty and she'll tell me if any of them cross the line. This made me feel a lot better and more confident about things.

I know most of you will think I'm an idiot. It's possible. But I also know that the plainly stated facts makes her seem a lot worse than she is. I will keep my eyes open, and hope my faith in her isn't in vain.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

seadoug105 said:


> how many hours (only half kidding with “hours”) after her surgery did she “need to socialise” aka show them off? Im sure she said it would just be the girls but did she include you ?


She has said that they don't really feel like part of her yet, and so showing them off more feels like showing off a handbag instead of a body part. That means she flashes me with them a lot, which is really hot. But yeah, she has shown them off, both by picture and in person, to a fair few people by this point. She didn't like ask for permission, but it is her body. As I said in my other reply, I have to trust she knows where the line is.


----------



## QuietRiot

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She has said that they don't really feel like part of her yet, and so showing them off more feels like showing off a handbag instead of a body part. That means she flashes me with them a lot, which is really hot. But yeah, she has shown them off, both by picture and in person, to a fair few people by this point. She didn't like ask for permission, but it is her body. As I said in my other reply, I have to trust she knows where the line is.


You astound me. I’m female, no misogyny here when I say your wife has terrible boundaries and high attention seeking behavior. Add to that alcoholism and a propensity for lying and half truths…. You couldn’t have picked someone more likely to exhibit cheating behavior and follow through. Seriously, you hand picked a person who exhibits all the red flags for cheating. 

The real question is not where her line is, where is YOUR line?? I see no standards or expectations from YOU regarding decent behavior.


----------



## Evinrude58

Misogyny? Lmao

I will not be wasting any more effort with you.
You’re not an idiot. You’re choosing to be a cuckold and I’m starting to think you’re loving every minute of it.


----------



## Numb26

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> While I think a lot of this advice is well meaning, I can hear the latent misogyny that is pretty evident in a lot of replies and I don't want to fall into the same trap.


And here we go! Knew this was coming....

Hopefully, one day you are gonorrhea-lize who she is but by then it will be to late.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Yip once someone throws lib terms like Misogynist around and ignores advice and red flags like they were air-wisps in a hurricane, that's it for me. I'm just going to sit back with my pop-corn and watch this train-wreck unfold in HD slow-motion!


----------



## QuietRiot

Numb26 said:


> And here we go! Knew this was coming....
> 
> Hopefully, one day you are gonorrhea-lize who she is but by then it will be to late.


That’s was poetic, I think you’ve missed your true calling. ♥


----------



## Dictum Veritas

QuietRiot said:


> That’s was poetic, I think you’ve missed your true calling. ♥


Yes, he's a Sooth-Sayer and a Bard... It's Prophetic Poetic!


----------



## TRy

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She said she is never flirty and she'll tell me if any of them cross the line. This made me feel a lot better and more confident about things.


 She lied to you about who she was with. She lied to you about how she got home. She ghosted you for hours so that she could stay with 2 Other Men that you never met. And you believe her when she promises to tell you when “any of them cross the line”? Really?


----------



## DudeInProgress

TRy said:


> She lied to you about who she was with. She lied to you about how she got home. She ghosted you for hours so that she could stay with 2 Other Men that you never met. And you believe her when she promises to tell you when “any of them cross the line”? Really?


Yeah, this is getting ridiculous. It seems like 0P just doesn’t have the intent or ability to actually do anything other than continue to willfully delude himself.
And pat himself on the back for being so supportive and non-misogynistic.


----------



## Casual Observer

In Absentia said:


> Now that you told us your wife had an uplift and went from DDD to FF the whole thing is even more suspicious... she was already attracting a LOT of attention...


As is a man’s willingness to look past such things… and it’s pretty tough to look past a change of that magnitude. Figuratively and literally.


----------



## Casual Observer

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She has said that they don't really feel like part of her yet, and so showing them off more feels like showing off a handbag instead of a body part. That means she flashes me with them a lot, which is really hot. But yeah, she has shown them off, both by picture and in person, to a fair few people by this point. She didn't like ask for permission, but it is her body. As I said in my other reply, I have to trust she knows where the line is.


This is where it gets absurd. She’s sending photos of her tits to people and you trust she knows where the line is? There is no line. There never was and there never will be, because you never established one. Nor do you see the need for one now.

So why are you here?


----------



## re16

So she has these new boobs and likes to show them off to people, and was out with a couple of dudes until 12:30 and lying about it... she obviously showed them to the guys.... right?.... you have to acknowledge that....


----------



## BigDaddyNY

@husbandtryinghisbest How did you meet your wife? It seems she was wild and crazy before she met you. How did she come to settle down with you?


----------



## RandomDude

In Absentia said:


> Now that you told us your wife had an uplift and went from DDD to FF the whole thing is even more suspicious... she was already attracting a LOT of attention...





husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Yes, she does attract a lot of attention from guys. I understand that. *I initially assumed the boob job was for me*. But I do wonder if it was to get more attention from other guys.


Hahahahhahahahahha  

Sorry lol


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She has said that they don't really feel like part of her yet, and so showing them off more feels like showing off a handbag instead of a body part. That means she flashes me with them a lot, which is really hot. But yeah, she has shown them off, both by picture and in person, to a fair few people by this point. She didn't like ask for permission, but it is her body. As I said in my other reply, I have to trust she knows where the line is.


Well if you get off on your wife's exhibitionism good for you, and nothing wrong with that if you permit it and happy with it.

If you want to keep her even though you know you can't trust her as she keeps lying to your face, then at least enforce boundaries on what you don't wish to tolerate like her getting drunk and going home with men.

Up to you bro, I don't judge your wife for her past and you know this, it's her present that is a concern.


----------



## harperlee

Casual Observer said:


> *This is where it gets absurd.* She’s sending photos of her tits to people and you trust she knows where the line is? There is no line. There never was and there never will be, because you never established one. Nor do you see the need for one now.
> 
> So why are you here?





RandomDude said:


> Hahahahhahahahahha
> 
> Sorry lol


This is a perfect example. Of course it's absurd. This thread is so far off the deep end of reality that it's comical, ridiculous. If a person would roll every infidelity trigger into one thread, this would be it; the tenacity of TAM is bonkers.
Cynicism can be good. 😊


----------



## CallingDrLove

I actually felt sorry for the guy for the majority of the thread and felt like people were piling on while he barely had enough time to process things. Now I’m starting to think he likes being married to a exhibitionist nympho but isn’t sure he can handle her.


----------



## RandomDude

BigDaddyNY said:


> @husbandtryinghisbest How did you meet your wife?


Maybe she flashed her tits?


----------



## In Absentia

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually felt sorry for the guy for the majority of the thread and felt like people were piling on while he barely had enough time to process things. Now I’m starting to think he likes being married to a exhibitionist nympho but isn’t sure he can handle her.


I think he likes the way his wife is, with her big boobs and high sex drive, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be enough for her. To me, it sounds like the wife has big mental issues, because hers is not really standard behaviour. Especially by a married person with kids.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Guys THINK they want their wives to be more like the women in their pornos until it actually happens and then they realize it’s not that great.


----------



## In Absentia

CallingDrLove said:


> Guys THINK they want their wives to be more like the women in their pornos until it actually happens and then they realize it’s not that great.


I'm not a fan of plastic boobs, personally... unless it's for medical reasons.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> @husbandtryinghisbest How did you meet your wife? It seems she was wild and crazy before she met you. How did she come to settle down with you?


We met online. We lived a long way from each other. We chatted for months before we met up.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

In Absentia said:


> I think he likes the way his wife is, with her big boobs and high sex drive, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be enough for her. To me, it sounds like the wife has big mental issues, because hers is not really standard behaviour. Especially by a married person with kids.


I like many things about my wife's sexuality. I like her high sex drive, I like how confident she is, I like her body and I don't even mind that other men look at her. Her sexual history is something I've come to accept, I think. Given her high sex drive, and confidence with sex, it's really inevitable that she would have been with a lot of guys. If she'd have slept with, maybe 50 guys, then I know a lot of guys would have a problem with it, but I would have taken it in my stride I think. But knowing over 50 guys was most likely a year number of guys, for over 10 years.... well, it's a bit much. I understand that most men would have a problem with this, but I strive to be more reasonable and understanding than most men.

But, even though I like her sexuality, I don't think that means I need to accept cheating, if it happened. And that is what prompted the post. I know there are "red flags", but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.

I'm currently not totally convince either way, but I'm leaning on the side of she told a silly lie last week, so that I wouldn't worry, and I immediately realised it. She wants to be professional at this job, and I don't want derail that for her.

Sorry if I offended you all, I'm not calling you all misogynist, but I'm just trying not to use a women's sexuality as a way to devalue her, or paint her as inherently untrustworthy.


----------



## In Absentia

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I like many things about my wife's sexuality. I like her high sex drive, I like how confident she is, I like her body and I don't even mind that other men look at her. Her sexual history is something I've come to accept, I think. Given her high sex drive, and confidence with sex, it's really inevitable that she would have been with a lot of guys. If she'd have slept with, maybe 50 guys, then I know a lot of guys would have a problem with it, but I would have taken it in my stride I think. But knowing over 50 guys was most likely a year number of guys, for over 10 years.... well, it's a bit much. I understand that most men would have a problem with this, but I strive to be more reasonable and understanding than most men.
> 
> But, even though I like her sexuality, I don't think that means I need to accept cheating, if it happened. And that is what prompted the post. I know there are "red flags", but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.
> 
> I'm currently not totally convince either way, but I'm leaning on the side of she told a silly lie last week, so that I wouldn't worry, and I immediately realised it. She wants to be professional at this job, and I don't want derail that for her.
> 
> Sorry if I offended you all, I'm not calling you all misogynist, but I'm just trying not to use a women's sexuality as a way to devalue her, or paint her as inherently untrustworthy.


I don't have a problem with your acceptance of your wife's character, to be honest... as I said, keep your eyes peeled and ears to the ground...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> We met online. We lived a long way from each other. We chatted for months before we met up.


This may be way way off base and I apologize in advance.
But are you sure you weren't just a mark for her?


----------



## Diana7

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I like many things about my wife's sexuality. I like her high sex drive, I like how confident she is, I like her body and I don't even mind that other men look at her. Her sexual history is something I've come to accept, I think. Given her high sex drive, and confidence with sex, it's really inevitable that she would have been with a lot of guys. If she'd have slept with, maybe 50 guys, then I know a lot of guys would have a problem with it, but I would have taken it in my stride I think. But knowing over 50 guys was most likely a year number of guys, for over 10 years.... well, it's a bit much. I understand that most men would have a problem with this, but I strive to be more reasonable and understanding than most men.
> 
> But, even though I like her sexuality, I don't think that means I need to accept cheating, if it happened. And that is what prompted the post. I know there are "red flags", but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.
> 
> I'm currently not totally convince either way, but I'm leaning on the side of she told a silly lie last week, so that I wouldn't worry, and I immediately realised it. She wants to be professional at this job, and I don't want derail that for her.
> 
> Sorry if I offended you all, I'm not calling you all misogynist, but I'm just trying not to use a women's sexuality as a way to devalue her, or paint her as inherently untrustworthy.


You say you want to be more reasonable and understanding that most men. The reason most people wouldnt want a partner who had slept with hundreds of people, many many times probable as ons, is because it's unlikely she will ever settle with one man. It can happen occasionally if they is a massive change of heart, but it's hard to see that in her. She lies and decieves easily. She appears to have few boundaries with the opposite sex. She does stupid risky things. 
It's not about devaluing her, it's about acknowledging that some people are never going to be faithful partners.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This may be way way off base and I apologize in advance.
> But are you sure you weren't just a mark for her?


Not really sure what you mean by that. We have been married for several years... so she would really be playing the long game!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Not really sure what you mean by that. We have been married for several years... so she would really be playing the long game!


She may be, that might be a concern just looking at shared details.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I know there are "red flags", but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.


Many many many times before these words were uttered by men & women, only to be crushed later by their spouse.
In fact, I can't recall a single time that it didn't work out that way.

There's an active thread right now on TAM where the man has a really hopeful, optimistic, wife-believing outlook, but is ignoring advice and chose to believe his sweet little innocent wife.
Until Dday. Then he was crushed.

Wake up friend.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Many many many times before these words were uttered by men & women, only to be crushed later by their spouse.
> In fact, I can't recall a single time that it didn't work out that way.
> 
> There's an active thread right now on TAM where the man has a really hopeful, optimistic, wife-believing outlook, but is ignoring advice and chose to believe his sweet little innocent wife.
> Until Dday. Then he was crushed.
> 
> Wake up friend.


Can you point me in the direction of that thread? Thanks


----------



## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Can you point me in the direction of that thread? Thanks


Sure. Here's the link.

And here's his heartbreaking last post.


MaroonedDoc said:


> Me culpa.
> 
> You were all right.
> 
> I was wrong.
> 
> I don't think there is a way back from this for us.
> 
> Devestated.











Will this turn physical?


First time post, and a very long one at that, but I have a lot to get off my chest. There is a specific point to this, but the background is important. Thank you for reading, and go easy on me - and on her. Background: My wife and I have been together 13 years, are in our mid-40s, two kids...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> We met online. We lived a long way from each other. We chatted for months before we met up.


Any insight into why she went from wanting a new sexual partner pretty much every week for a decade to settling down with one man? Do you know of you are her first real long term relationship? It seems like she 
lived a life of NSA sex only for a long time.


----------



## Evinrude58

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> *but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.*
> 
> I'm currently not totally convince either way, but I'm leaning on the side of she told a silly lie last week, so that I wouldn't worry, and I immediately realised it. She wants to be professional at this job, and I don't want derail that for her.
> 
> Sorry if I offended you all, I'm not calling you all misogynist, but I'm just trying not to use a women's sexuality as a way to devalue her, or paint her as inherently untrustworthy.


As respectfully as I can say this:
You’re thinking that you know when she’s lying? Of course you do, it’s easy. It’s when her lips are moving.
There’s many men that come to this site every single day (I was one) that thought they knew their wives well and later found out they were being lied to for years. 

As to the last paragraph in red: From the outside unaffected by emotions, looking in—— you are just plain old in denial of reality.
There is no chance your wife wasn’t hooking up with at least one of these men and based on her history, probably both. 

Being married to a nymphomaniac is great, until you realize pretty much zero nymphomaniacs are monogamous.

You have two choices: learn to tolerate your wife being with other men, or move on.


----------



## 2&out

BigDaddyNY said:


> Any insight into why she went from wanting a new sexual partner pretty much every week for a decade to settling down with one man? Do you know of you are her first real long term relationship? It seems like she
> lived a life of NSA sex only for a long time.


I can only speak for me but the answer to this is easy. Time to have a couple kids and a settled lifestyle. Why else would anyone get married ?


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

BigDaddyNY said:


> Any insight into why she went from wanting a new sexual partner pretty much every week for a decade to settling down with one man? Do you know of you are her first real long term relationship? It seems like she
> lived a life of NSA sex only for a long time.


I'm not her first long term relationship. She's had a number of boyfriends ranging from months to years. Most of them were abusive and not nice people by the sounds of it. She has admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's dated. I know that is a massive red flag, but she said she only cheated on the horrible abusive ones, and if she was cheating on me, why would she be honest like that in a way that calls it out?

She was at her late 20's and I guess priorities change and she wanted to get her life on track. My hope is that she had never met a nice guy that treated her well and with respect, like I did.

We lived a long way from each other and met online, chatting to each other for a few months before we met up. The less charitable possibility is that she had burned so many bridges in the area that she lived in, that the idea of leaving it all behind and starting fresh, with a nice guy, was a good escape for her.

The worst way to see it, which I admit I thought about a few times, is that she had literally slept with every available guy in the area, and I was her way to move to a place where no one knew her history or reputation.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Most of them were abusive and not nice people by the sounds of it. She has admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's dated. I know that is a massive red flag, but she said she only cheated on the horrible abusive ones, and if she was cheating on me, why would she be honest like that in a way that calls it out?


Sounds like how my ex wife described every one of her ex boyfriends and like you by her description, I too thought she was justified in cheating on these scumbags until later when I met one of these "scumbags" who turned out to be an actual nice guy I had a lot in common with. Yep, I should left her for her lies right there, but it took her adultery to finally get me to kick her to the curb.

I'm sure her next boyfriend was told what a terrible scumbag I was as well and that I deserved to be cheated on.

You have the word of a woman who just the other night lied to you to spend the evening with not one, but two other men doing whatever, but having had to lie for it to you can not bode well for your best interests. You have the word of a liar.

The best liars give you just enough of the truth for you to not suspect the true extent of the lie.

Sorry had to chirp in on that on, now back to my popcorn.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Sorry if I offended you all, I'm not calling you all misogynist, but I'm just trying not to use a women's sexuality as a way to devalue her, or paint her as inherently untrustworthy.


From my perspective having married and divorced a nymphomaniac and having a coparenting arrangement with her...

Her untrustworthiness is nothing to do with her past, it's everything to do with her lying to your face to this day. I don't know why you are ignoring that, instead thinking that we are all judging her based on her past.

PS nymphos can be monogamous, loyal and trustworthy although very much insatiable sexually, yours just doesn't seem like one I'm afraid.


----------



## jlg07

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> but I also have the context of knowing her, and having an idea of when she is lying and when she is telling the truth.
> 
> I'm currently not totally convince either way, but I'm leaning on the side of she told a silly lie last week, so that I wouldn't worry, and I immediately realised it. She wants to be professional at this job, and I don't want derail that for her.


Well SHE LIED flat out to you saying she got a cab home when it was two guys that she will be working with. LIE -- could you tell that when she said it?
You don't want to derail her job, but you are OK with her being around two guys at work who a)have probably seen her boobs up close and personal, and b) there is a VERy good chance that she had sex with at least one of them.


----------



## RandomDude

Evinrude58 said:


> Being married to a nymphomaniac is great, until you realize pretty much zero nymphomaniacs are monogamous.


Perhaps, I only know one though and she's even more trustworthy than me.



husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not her first long term relationship. She's had a number of boyfriends ranging from months to years. Most of them were abusive and not nice people by the sounds of it. She has admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's dated. I know that is a massive red flag, but she said she only cheated on the horrible abusive ones, and if she was cheating on me, why would she be honest like that in a way that calls it out?
> 
> She was at her late 20's and I guess priorities change and she wanted to get her life on track. My hope is that she had never met a nice guy that treated her well and with respect, like I did.
> 
> We lived a long way from each other and met online, chatting to each other for a few months before we met up. The less charitable possibility is that she had burned so many bridges in the area that she lived in, that the idea of leaving it all behind and starting fresh, with a nice guy, was a good escape for her.
> 
> The worst way to see it, which I admit I thought about a few times, is that she had literally slept with every available guy in the area, and I was her way to move to a place where no one knew her history or reputation.


Yeah sounds familiar, my ex found her escape in religion, yet then I became her escape within her religion although I wasn't a 'nice guy', but one I guess who she thought wouldn't judge her - and she was right, I'm more forgiving of people's past due my criminal youth.

We live in the big city and she was an escort so despite the numbers it's quite different to your scenario, like she didn't fk everyone in her suburb for instance.

So I guess our situation is much different to yours where she learnt how to abstain until she could unleash compared to your wife.


----------



## Casual Observer

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'm not her first long term relationship. She's had a number of boyfriends ranging from months to years. Most of them were abusive and not nice people by the sounds of it. She has admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's dated. I know that is a massive red flag, but she said she only cheated on the horrible abusive ones, and if she was cheating on me, why would she be honest like that in a way that calls it out?
> 
> She was at her late 20's and I guess priorities change and she wanted to get her life on track. My hope is that she had never met a nice guy that treated her well and with respect, like I did.


Do the numbers really add up though? Late 20, let's say she's been "active" since 15. To get to a thousand, you're talking 66 guys/year. Subtract from that months-to-years of maybe-stable relationships, the number goes higher-still. Maybe a new guy every 3 days.

I seriously don't believe a woman could survive that pace intact, mentally or physically. On the physical side, accidental pregnancy, STDs, STDs, STDs, STDs... statistically, is it even possible she wouldn't have herpes? Even HIV would have been darned near impossible to avoid. She's had drinking issues the whole time, so the idea of consistent protected sex goes out the window. On the mental side, her sense of self-worth would have to take a beating when, as someone mentioned, she'd be seen as the "town bicycle." Ready and available.

So unless she was on an implantable birth control method (because no way would she have been in a position to consistently remember to take a pill, or insist on a condom), I don't think her story, or at perhaps the story being spun here, holds up. So now I'm wondering if there's a reason a woman would try to fabricate a Wilt Chamberlain-type of existence. The real story may not be a good one, but the story being told may be a bizarre way of trying to make recent incidences of infidelity seem like a fly in the ointment.


----------



## RandomDude

Dictum Veritas said:


> You have the word of a woman who just the other night lied to you to spend the evening with not one, but two other men doing whatever, but having had to lie for it to you can not bode well for your best interests. You have the word of a liar.
> 
> The best liars give you just enough of the truth for you to not suspect the true extent of the lie.


Its getting a little frustrating trying to explain to him that a liar lying to his face at present is well, a liar...

Which has nothing to do with her past 

But I guess some facts are too hard to swallow because to act on it is too difficult.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

RandomDude said:


> Perhaps, I only know one though and she's even more trustworthy than me.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah sounds familiar, my ex found her escape in religion, yet then I became her escape within her religion although I wasn't a 'nice guy', but one I guess who she thought wouldn't judge her - and she was right, I'm more forgiving of people's past due my criminal youth.
> 
> We live in the big city and she was an escort so despite the numbers it's quite different to your scenario, like she didn't fk everyone in her suburb for instance.
> 
> So I guess our situation is much different to yours where she learnt how to abstain until she could unleash compared to your wife.


She lived in the nearby city too, for most of her 20's. She'd ended up back in her hometown in the 6 months or so before we met.


----------



## In Absentia

Casual Observer said:


> So now I'm wondering if there's a reason a woman would try to fabricate a *Wilt Chamberlain*-type of existence.


I had to google that...  wow, 20,000 women?


----------



## CallingDrLove

Wilt Chamberlain told a lot of stories. He was known to embellish things.


----------



## QuietRiot

You are ok with her lying, partying, staying out at all hours, smoking pot, having “a drink” (as an alcoholic), getting rides with random dudes, lying some more, partying with work people to “get ahead”, flashing her boobs, getting attention from anyone and everyone she can get it from, and getting MASSIVE implants on your dime all while just having found out she slept with an entire population of a town she used to live in and lied about it while using you. All this and she’s supposed to be a mother and wife. 

Can you just admit that having her screw your brains out and looking at her gigantic boobs make you ignore LITERALLY EVERYTHING else that makes her an unsafe spouse? Just.admit.it.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She lived in the nearby city too, for most of her 20's. She'd ended up back in her hometown in the 6 months or so before we met.


In the big city it is easy to disappear, that's why I came to one and never been back to my hometown too. I can believe your wife's story in her settling down because my ex had a similar journey.

But as I mentioned again and again it's not her past it's her present you need to focus on. Who cares about the penises she's sucked or fked in her past, we are both men who can handle that but please do consider what everyone including myself are saying in regards to her lying, lack of trustworthiness and lack of accountability.

Shes made her vows so she needs to learn her responsibilities.


----------



## Casual Observer

QuietRiot said:


> You are ok with her lying, partying, staying out at all hours, smoking pot, having “a drink” (as an alcoholic), getting rides with random dudes, lying some more, partying with work people to “get ahead”, flashing her boobs, getting attention from anyone and everyone she can get it from, and getting MASSIVE implants on your dime all while just having found out she slept with an entire population of a town she used to live in and lied about it while using you. All this and she’s supposed to be a mother and wife.
> 
> Can you just admit that having her screw your brains out and looking at her gigantic boobs make you ignore LITERALLY EVERYTHING else that makes her an unsafe spouse? Just.admit.it.


Statistically, his lifestyle doesn't hold up. He's got kids and his literally risking his life living with this woman. If she's cheating, while drinking, she's bringing him, as the Procol Harum song said, "A souvenir of London" home. She's an easy mark for the worst of men. He has a responsibility to his kids!!!


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Casual Observer said:


> Do the numbers really add up though? Late 20, let's say she's been "active" since 15. To get to a thousand, you're talking 66 guys/year. Subtract from that months-to-years of maybe-stable relationships, the number goes higher-still. Maybe a new guy every 3 days.
> 
> I seriously don't believe a woman could survive that pace intact, mentally or physically. On the physical side, accidental pregnancy, STDs, STDs, STDs, STDs... statistically, is it even possible she wouldn't have herpes? Even HIV would have been darned near impossible to avoid. She's had drinking issues the whole time, so the idea of consistent protected sex goes out the window. On the mental side, her sense of self-worth would have to take a beating when, as someone mentioned, she'd be seen as the "town bicycle." Ready and available.
> 
> So unless she was on an implantable birth control method (because no way would she have been in a position to consistently remember to take a pill, or insist on a condom), I don't think her story, or at perhaps the story being spun here, holds up. So now I'm wondering if there's a reason a woman would try to fabricate a Wilt Chamberlain-type of existence. The real story may not be a good one, but the story being told may be a bizarre way of trying to make recent incidences of infidelity seem like a fly in the ointment.


She had an IUD. She told me that she always used condoms, although I find that hard to believe, as you say, she has/had a drinking problem. If you asked her if she had been with close to 1,000 guys, she would deny it, all she has admitted is that it is "over 100", and she gets annoyed if I try to get any more specific with the numbers.

However, she told me that she didn't like she spend nights on her own, so I said "does that mean every night you found a guy to hook up with?", she said "no, no, no...... every other night, because I was often hungover in between"! 
So I've taken that to mean that every other night she was having casual sex with some guy. They wouldn't have all been new guys because she said she had a long list of guys she could call on to "party" with, but she also said that if guys caught feelings or got too into her, she would ditch them. She said she would swap guys in and out of that list.

She also admitted to posting on Craigslist for guys to hook up with, when she was at a loose end. She actually said she was very good at hiding the extent of her promiscuity and that no one knew how bad she was. She did this by finding guys that had no connection to people from her past or friends and family. Despite that, and living in a big city, she said she still ran would have hooked up with a guy and only later on find out they had some sort of connection to people she knew, so she would immediately ghost them, and move on. So she was in a big city, and had slept with SO MANY random guys that she ran into multiple guys that knew people she knew in a suburb miles away. That's like walking down a random street in a city and running into your neighbour, it's very unlikely. But if you walk down every street in the city and do that every day for years, then it's less unlikely!

She worked in a lot of bars and got hit on a lot, and has hooked up with guys on her work break, in the parking lot.

She had boyfriends in this time, but she admitted that while that slowed her down a bit, it didn't slow her down much.

Putting all that together, for her to have slept with over 1,000 men, she would be averaging 2 new guys a week for over 10 years. And given everything above... it seems like it could be that high.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

QuietRiot said:


> You are ok with her lying, partying, staying out at all hours, smoking pot, having “a drink” (as an alcoholic), getting rides with random dudes, lying some more, partying with work people to “get ahead”, flashing her boobs, getting attention from anyone and everyone she can get it from, and getting MASSIVE implants on your dime all while just having found out she slept with an entire population of a town she used to live in and lied about it while using you. All this and she’s supposed to be a mother and wife.
> 
> Can you just admit that having her screw your brains out and looking at her gigantic boobs make you ignore LITERALLY EVERYTHING else that makes her an unsafe spouse? Just.admit.it.


I'll guess I'll admit that my attraction to her, her body, and our sex life, including not wanting to break up our family, does mean that I really, really, don't want her to have cheated, and I would need to be 100% sure before I push the nuclear button.


----------



## QuietRiot

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'll guess I'll admit that my attraction to her, her body, and our sex life, including not wanting to break up our family, does mean that I really, really, don't want her to have cheated, and I would need to be 100% sure before I push the nuclear button.


I’m going to be honest with you, even when you catch her cheating she will lie and gaslight you into submission and you will submit. You will. I can tell just by the way you speak about her and make every excuse in the book on her behalf for her behavior.

You’re with her for the long run. I KNOW the thoughts and doubts that run through your mind when you find out, when it actually happens. (From experience) You are going to play right into those, you do it already and willingly with her. It will be more of the same.

You won’t go nuclear. If you had that capacity it would be detonated already.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She had an IUD. She told me that she always used condoms, although I find that hard to believe, as you say, she has/had a drinking problem. If you asked her if she had been with close to 1,000 guys, she would deny it, all she has admitted is that it is "over 100", and she gets annoyed if I try to get any more specific with the numbers.
> 
> However, she told me that she didn't like she spend nights on her own, so I said "does that mean every night you found a guy to hook up with?", she said "no, no, no...... every other night, because I was often hungover in between"!
> So I've taken that to mean that every other night she was having casual sex with some guy. They wouldn't have all been new guys because she said she had a long list of guys she could call on to "party" with, but she also said that if guys caught feelings or got too into her, she would ditch them. She said she would swap guys in and out of that list.
> 
> She also admitted to posting on Craigslist for guys to hook up with, when she was at a loose end. She actually said she was very good at hiding the extent of her promiscuity and that no one knew how bad she was. She did this by finding guys that had no connection to people from her past or friends and family. Despite that, and living in a big city, she said she still ran would have hooked up with a guy and only later on find out they had some sort of connection to people she knew, so she would immediately ghost them, and move on. So she was in a big city, and had slept with SO MANY random guys that she ran into multiple guys that knew people she knew in a suburb miles away. That's like walking down a random street in a city and running into your neighbour, it's very unlikely. But if you walk down every street in the city and do that every day for years, then it's less unlikely!
> 
> She worked in a lot of bars and got hit on a lot, and has hooked up with guys on her work break, in the parking lot.
> 
> She had boyfriends in this time, but she admitted that while that slowed her down a bit, it didn't slow her down much.
> 
> Putting all that together, for her to have slept with over 1,000 men, she would be averaging 2 new guys a week for over 10 years. And given everything above... it seems like it could be that high.


Thats so much money not made! 🤦‍♂️
Sheesh at least my ex got paid for it lol


----------



## Casual Observer

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She had an IUD. She told me that she always used condoms, although I find that hard to believe, as you say, she has/had a drinking problem. If you asked her if she had been with close to 1,000 guys, she would deny it, all she has admitted is that it is "over 100", and she gets annoyed if I try to get any more specific with the numbers.
> 
> However, she told me that she didn't like she spend nights on her own, so I said "does that mean every night you found a guy to hook up with?", she said "no, no, no...... every other night, because I was often hungover in between"!
> So I've taken that to mean that every other night she was having casual sex with some guy. They wouldn't have all been new guys because she said she had a long list of guys she could call on to "party" with, but she also said that if guys caught feelings or got too into her, she would ditch them. She said she would swap guys in and out of that list.
> 
> She also admitted to posting on Craigslist for guys to hook up with, when she was at a loose end. She actually said she was very good at hiding the extent of her promiscuity and that no one knew how bad she was. She did this by finding guys that had no connection to people from her past or friends and family. Despite that, and living in a big city, she said she still ran would have hooked up with a guy and only later on find out they had some sort of connection to people she knew, so she would immediately ghost them, and move on. So she was in a big city, and had slept with SO MANY random guys that she ran into multiple guys that knew people she knew in a suburb miles away. That's like walking down a random street in a city and running into your neighbour, it's very unlikely. But if you walk down every street in the city and do that every day for years, then it's less unlikely!
> 
> She worked in a lot of bars and got hit on a lot, and has hooked up with guys on her work break, in the parking lot.
> 
> She had boyfriends in this time, but she admitted that while that slowed her down a bit, it didn't slow her down much.
> 
> Putting all that together, for her to have slept with over 1,000 men, she would be averaging 2 new guys a week for over 10 years. And given everything above... it seems like it could be that high.


This does not add up. Nobody can hide a "lifestyle" like that from her workplace, her friends, etc. She'd become known far and wide because the type of guy that hooks up with a woman like that, well, a good percentage of them are going to talk about it, brag to their friends, and go back repeatedly to the well (as she alluded to). And many of these guys would likely be creepers, checking her out on social media and wondering if she was still available. Her name would literally be on bathroom stall walls. 

There is nothing she has told you that would have allowed her to escape from being "that woman" that every church and most mothers would use as an example of who you didn't want to become. Your story is so extreme that it goes way beyond the usual "It's a person's right to live the life they choose, without everyone judging them." Why? Because she has put her family at risk. Because it is so extreme that mental illness is assumed rather than considered. And you are in the role of being a facilitator, allowing her to live a dual life, one in which she is a wife and mother and the other...


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'll guess I'll admit that my attraction to her, her body, and our sex life, including not wanting to break up our family, does mean that I really, really, don't want her to have cheated, and I would need to be 100% sure before I push the nuclear button.


Nah, you aren't even close to the nuclear button yet. She has positioned her fleets and missiles while you have cowered before the threat of losing her so she will do as she wishes.

If you want to have a more balanced relationship you can position your fleets and missiles to counter hers, to show that you aren't a doormat and she can't walk over you.

Maybe the nuclear button would be pushed, maybe you two will have find a new working relationship, anything can happen but you do not want to face that risk...

... so yes, she will continue to walk over you mate.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Casual Observer said:


> This does not add up. Nobody can hide a "lifestyle" like that from her workplace, her friends, etc. She'd become known far and wide because the type of guy that hooks up with a woman like that, well, a good percentage of them are going to talk about it, brag to their friends, and go back repeatedly to the well (as she alluded to). And many of these guys would likely be creepers, checking her out on social media and wondering if she was still available. Her name would literally be on bathroom stall walls.
> 
> There is nothing she has told you that would have allowed her to escape from being "that woman" that every church and most mothers would use as an example of who you didn't want to become. Your story is so extreme that it goes way beyond the usual "It's a person's right to live the life they choose, without everyone judging them." Why? Because she has put her family at risk. Because it is so extreme that mental illness is assumed rather than considered. And you are in the role of being a facilitator, allowing her to live a dual life, one in which she is a wife and mother and the other...


I do agree that probably it wasn't as well hidden as she would like to believe. For one reason, I think she wasn't as careful when she was drunk as when she was sober, and I think a lot of stuff happened when she was drunk that she forgot or never remembered. Before she even came clean to me about her past, she admitted, quite out of the blue, that there was a guy that used to call her a "c*m dumpster", so that seems to go against the idea that no one knew.

Maybe in her mind, people she had slept around, but no one knew she was sleeping with random guys on the daily. I guess there is a lot I will never really know.


----------



## RandomDude

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I do agree that probably it wasn't as well hidden as she would like to believe. For one reason, I think she wasn't as careful when she was drunk as when she was sober, and I think a lot of stuff happened when she was drunk that she forgot or never remembered. Before she even came clean to me about her past, she admitted, quite out of the blue, that there was a guy that used to call her a "c*m dumpster", so that seems to go against the idea that no one knew.
> 
> Maybe in her mind, people she had slept around, but no one knew she was sleeping with random guys on the daily. I guess there is a lot I will never really know.


Curious why she didn't just take the escort route, my ex could be choosy with her clientele and services provided, there was also discretion, emphasis on safe sex and she was handled rather gentlemanly for the most part then again it's regulated over here where I live with escort agencies. Over there probably not...


----------



## In Absentia

I'm a boob man and I have forgiven a lot of things because of that.... 😂


----------



## RandomDude

In Absentia said:


> I'm a boob man and I have forgiven a lot of things because of that.... 😂


Hahahahhaha


----------



## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> She had boyfriends in this time, but she admitted that while that slowed her down a bit, it didn't slow her down much.


Her character is one that doesn't respect the person with whom she is in a relationship.
So what would make her be different with you?


----------



## DudeInProgress

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I'll guess I'll admit that my attraction to her, her body, and our sex life, including not wanting to break up our family, does mean that I really, really, don't want her to have cheated, and I would need to be 100% sure before I push the nuclear button.


Why are you so unwilling / incapable of setting even the most basic expectations, standards and boundaries with your wife?

Why?

why do you continue to tolerate such insanely unacceptable behavior from your wife?

why don’t you have enough self-respect and dignity to say no. No, my ridiculously promiscuous wife will not go out to bars without me (alcoholic or not). No my wife will not go to random peoples houses to hang out with other men. No my wife will not be driven home by random men. No, I will not tolerate my wife lying to me.

why is this so hard for you to require that your wife actually act like a wife?

your wife clearly has zero respect for you as a husband and as a man. She would not behave this way if she did. You are allowing yourself to be a cuckold, let that sink in.

I’m not saying these things to be harsh with you. i’m trying to get you to recognize the reality of your situation, like everyone else has been trying to do, so far unsuccessfully.

so why are you allowing this insane ridiculous situation to continue? Do you actually believe that is it acceptable for wives to behave this way? It’s not. Do you have such low self-respect that you believe you deserve a wife who behaves this way? Are you so weak that you truly can’t enforce any boundaries or expectations with your wife? Or do you actually enjoy being a cuckold?

why?


----------



## Evinrude58

RandomDude said:


> Perhaps, I only know one though and she's even more trustworthy than me.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah sounds familiar, my ex found her escape in religion, yet then I became her escape within her religion although I wasn't a 'nice guy', but one I guess who she thought wouldn't judge her - and she was right, I'm more forgiving of people's past due my criminal youth.
> 
> We live in the big city and she was an escort so despite the numbers it's quite different to your scenario, like she didn't fk everyone in her suburb for instance.
> 
> So I guess our situation is much different to yours where she learnt how to abstain until she could unleash compared to your wife.


I confess a knowledge of only a couple and were both cheaters. So I’m not the expert.


----------



## snerg

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> "does that mean every night you found a guy to hook up with?", she said "no, no, no...... every other night, because I was often hungover in between"!
> 
> She also admitted to posting on Craigslist for guys to hook up with, when she was at a loose end. She actually said she was very good at hiding the extent of her promiscuity and that no one knew how bad she was. She did this by finding guys that had no connection to people from her past or friends and family.
> 
> Putting all that together, for her to have slept with over 1,000 men, she would be averaging 2 new guys a week for over 10 years. And given everything above... it seems like it could be that high.


----------



## TRy

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> she admitted, quite out of the blue, that there was a guy that used to call her a "c*m dumpster"


 Although her being called a “c*m dumpster” casts her in a poor light, you focusing on this and other such side facts is being used by you to derail your own thread, so that you do not have to acknowledge if your wife actually cheated with those other men the other night.

Again, she lied to you about who she was with. She lied to you about how she got home. She ghosted you for hours so that she could stay out very late with 2 Other Men that you never met. Studies show only 3 percent of cheated spouses actually catch the cheater in the act of actually having sex. Most people confirm cheating by catching them in the act of lying about being with members of the opposition sex in situations where the cheater feels the need to lie. Unfortunately, what you caught her doing is as much as you are going get on her if she is cheating.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

In Absentia said:


> I'm a boob man and I have forgiven a lot of things because of that.... 😂


I don't disagree with this.


----------



## Ayanokoji

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


She slept with hundred people and cheated on almost all of her relationship, what could go wrong? Hahaha


----------



## Ayanokoji

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I've caught her lying, but I don't know that I've caught her cheating red handed.
> 
> If it had been just one guy she'd gone back with, then I would think that would look worse, but there were at least 2 guys there. Guys that she knew she might be working with soon. So what did she do? Sleep with both of them? Did one guy stand around an wait for his turn? Did one just stand around and didn't do anything? It just seems more likely that she got herself in a stupid lie because she wanted to go back and smoke some weed, which is what she said she did.


It is possible that she got double penetrated 😂


----------



## wmn1

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I do agree that probably it wasn't as well hidden as she would like to believe. For one reason, I think she wasn't as careful when she was drunk as when she was sober, and I think a lot of stuff happened when she was drunk that she forgot or never remembered. Before she even came clean to me about her past, she admitted, quite out of the blue, that there was a guy that used to call her a "c*m dumpster", so that seems to go against the idea that no one knew.
> 
> Maybe in her mind, people she had slept around, but no one knew she was sleeping with random guys on the daily. I guess there is a lot I will never really know.


dude, give some reasons why you are sticking around with her ? You know who she is, how she is and she can't stay loyal. What are your gains vs losses.

How did you miss the red flags before marriage ?

Have you spoken to an attorney yet ?


----------



## QuietRiot

wmn1 said:


> dude, give some reasons why you are sticking around with her ? You know who she is, how she is and she can't stay loyal. What are your gains vs losses.
> 
> How did you miss the red flags before marriage ?
> 
> Have you spoken to an attorney yet ?


Boobs.


----------



## husbandtryinghisbest

Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...

I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.

It is SO worse than I thought.

I assumed at the worst was the she had a drunken mistake with some guy, and if she could stay away from the alcohol, things might be ok. But not only is she sleeping with both of them, she is sending them pics, and telling them both she loves them.

This job thing happened really quickly, so within a couple of weeks of meeting these people she is already f*cking 2 of them! The guy whose house she went back to, I think that was only the second time she's met him.

The messed up thing is that things have actually been really good between us, and the se* is great.

Clearly she has cheated on me A LOT.

I took screenshots of all the messages and put her phone back.

Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...
> 
> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> 
> I assumed at the worst was the she had a drunken mistake with some guy, and if she could stay away from the alcohol, things might be ok. But not only is she sleeping with both of them, she is sending them pics, and telling them both she loves them.
> 
> This job thing happened really quickly, so within a couple of weeks of meeting these people she is already f*cking 2 of them! The guy whose house she went back to, I think that was only the second time she's met him.
> 
> The messed up thing is that things have actually been really good between us, and the se* is great.
> 
> Clearly she has cheated on me A LOT.
> 
> I took screenshots of all the messages and put her phone back.
> 
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


Not a big surprise. if you weren't blinded by hope and love. Can't really blame you for that. It was outrageously obvious to us on the outside. Sorry you are stuck dealing with this.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Omg OP I would get yourself checked for stds and divorce her. You deserve so much better. This is one of the worst adulterous I've seen in here. This woman will never be a safe partner for anyone. Sorry you are dealing with this.


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## DudeInProgress

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...
> 
> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> 
> I assumed at the worst was the she had a drunken mistake with some guy, and if she could stay away from the alcohol, things might be ok. But not only is she sleeping with both of them, she is sending them pics, and telling them both she loves them.
> 
> This job thing happened really quickly, so within a couple of weeks of meeting these people she is already f*cking 2 of them! The guy whose house she went back to, I think that was only the second time she's met him.
> 
> The messed up thing is that things have actually been really good between us, and the se* is great.
> 
> Clearly she has cheated on me A LOT.
> 
> I took screenshots of all the messages and put her phone back.
> 
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


Try to get some sleep, you’ll need it to process effectively and drive-through the actions you’ll need to take. 
Then take the day to process. 
Then you need to decide on a course of action, create a plan and take action.


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## Dictum Veritas

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...
> 
> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> 
> I assumed at the worst was the she had a drunken mistake with some guy, and if she could stay away from the alcohol, things might be ok. But not only is she sleeping with both of them, she is sending them pics, and telling them both she loves them.
> 
> This job thing happened really quickly, so within a couple of weeks of meeting these people she is already f*cking 2 of them! The guy whose house she went back to, I think that was only the second time she's met him.
> 
> The messed up thing is that things have actually been really good between us, and the se* is great.
> 
> Clearly she has cheated on me A LOT.
> 
> I took screenshots of all the messages and put her phone back.
> 
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


None of us take any pleasure from you pain, as a matter of fact some of us have been in some semblance of your shoes and feel a version of it as we hear of this.

The question is, are you willing to share her? She is a serial cheater and will not change.
Now that you know who she is, you can live as a cuckold and R or take you dignity back and D.

Do not confront her yet, first get your legal and financial ducks in a row.

Open a new bank account.

Withdraw half of the funds from any joint accounts and deposit it into that account.

Cancel all joint credit cards or credit cards she has which you will be responsible for.

If you are in an at fault state, gather as much evidence as you can and save copies in a safe place.

See a lawyer and find out where you will end up as far as custody, legal and financial matters.

Do not abandon the marital home or kids before your legal ducks are in a row and abandonment cannot be claimed.

Get tested for STDs ASAP.

Do not sleep with her again.

Get a VAR to record all conversations with her from this time forward.

You may or may not want to confront her, that is up to you, but if you do, arrange that the kids be out of the house and taken care of. You may want to do this in a public, but not crowded place, but regardless if you do this in public or at home, record the audio and/or video of the confrontation. BSs often gets slapped with false DV charges once the WW knows her cake-eating world has come to an end.

It is good to serve her ASAP and if you confront do so with divorce papers in hand.

There are so many points I am forgetting here, but this is a start.

Concerning yourself:
You are no longer married, she broke that covenant and you owe her nothing as a husband anymore.

Google, read up on and implement a technique called the 180. This is for you to be able to detach from her and protect your heart and sanity.

Exercise, this releases endorphins to counteract the depression and helps you channel your anger and frustration.

Drink water, not alcohol or use drugs. More than ever before in your life, you need a clear head here.

Every action you take from this moment forward is to protect yourself and your children. She has become the betrayer and enemy who wants to now take you kids and money away from you. Treat her as such and protect your interests.

I pictured my ex-wife as having died. The woman I loved was dead and I even held a private wake for her to set that fact in my mind. I was dealing with her evil twin sister from that moment forward. This made things easier to deal with, at least for me.

Take every step on this road you are now forced to walk as a sure and planned step to benefit only you and your children's future.


----------



## Evinrude58

Know that if you choose to divorce her and she can no longer use you for whatever purpose it is you serve for her, she’s going to turn on you and you are going to have to protect yourself.


----------



## CheatersRGarbage

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.
> 
> Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.
> 
> With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!
> 
> I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.
> 
> With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.
> 
> A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.
> 
> Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.
> 
> What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!
> 
> When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.
> 
> She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.
> 
> I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.
> 
> To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.
> 
> I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.


Okay…okay…stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. First off, I know she’s your wife, but she LIED to you for your entire marriage about how many guys she’s slept with. She low balled the number, which could’ve put your health at risk. But she then raised it to “potentially over 100”, OP, I can guarantee you that this “girlfriend” of hers knows the exact number. Then if that wasn’t a big enough Red Flag, she tells you that she’s CHEATED on almost every single one of her partners?! But that’s okay, she didn’t do it to you…yeah, I’m sure. OP, I sincerely hope you realize that she’s said that to all of her previous partners as well. She then tells you that she’s going out with a friend you trust…you call said friend and find out she lied. And then..and then, (OP I shouldn’t have to say “and then”), and then, when you call her out on her lie SHE DOUBLES DOWN. SHE DOUBLED DOWN. She has so little respect for you that she doubled down on her lie. While she was out..you called her and she “sounded weird”? Man stop..you were hoping she would catch a train, I mean…she caught a train alright. And what’s worse is she’s going to be WORKING WITH THESE GUYS! OP for the love of the Gods stop…please take your rose tinted glasses off and open your eyes. Look at the amount of disrespect she is showing to you..and you just want to believe her lies? Stop! Hire a PI, and get the obvious evidence of her cheating on you, don’t confront her because she’ll just lie again because she now knows that her obvious lies hold some form of power over you, hire a divorce lawyer and leave..there is an elephant rampaging through the room and you’re just willingly ignoring it. OP, your wife is a walking, talking, living and breathing Red Flag…for your own mental health and sanity, leave this woman…


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CheatersRGarbage said:


> Okay…okay…stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. First off, I know she’s your wife, but she LIED to you for your entire marriage about how many guys she’s slept with. She low balled the number, which could’ve put your health at risk. But she then raised it to “potentially over 100”, OP, I can guarantee you that this “girlfriend” of hers knows the exact number. Then if that wasn’t a big enough Red Flag, she tells you that she’s CHEATED on almost every single one of her partners?! But that’s okay, she didn’t do it to you…yeah, I’m sure. OP, I sincerely hope you realize that she’s said that to all of her previous partners as well. She then tells you that she’s going out with a friend you trust…you call said friend and find out she lied. And then..and then, (OP I shouldn’t have to say “and then”), and then, when you call her out on her lie SHE DOUBLES DOWN. SHE DOUBLED DOWN. She has so little respect for you that she doubled down on her lie. While she was out..you called her and she “sounded weird”? Man stop..you were hoping she would catch a train, I mean…she caught a train alright. And what’s worse is she’s going to be WORKING WITH THESE GUYS! OP for the love of the Gods stop…please take your rose tinted glasses off and open your eyes. Look at the amount of disrespect she is showing to you..and you just want to believe her lies? Stop! Hire a PI, and get the obvious evidence of her cheating on you, don’t confront her because she’ll just lie again because she now knows that her obvious lies hold some form of power over you, hire a divorce lawyer and leave..there is an elephant rampaging through the room and you’re just willingly ignoring it. OP, your wife is a walking, talking, living and breathing Red Flag…for your own mental health and sanity, leave this woman…


He already got the evidence he needs from her phone, it's now time to act to protect himself and the kids.

Oh and OP, DNA test those kids. I sincerely doubt she was ever faithful to you. This is just the first time you caught her.

If one or more of the kids is not yours, the correct genetic medical history may save their lives in an emergency, where the lack thereof may turn out to be a death sentence.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Get the kids genetically tested but you guys WAY, WAY, WAY overestimate the importance of family history in medical decision making. If there are medical genetics involved it’s a long prolonged process involving sending off labs that take weeks to come back.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CallingDrLove said:


> Get the kids genetically tested but you guys WAY, WAY, WAY overestimate the importance of family history in medical decision making. If there are medical genetics involved it’s a long prolonged process involving sending off labs that take weeks to come back.


Yes doc, especially those diseases that develop over time and can be treated in early stages unless you never knew about it, those little ****** a medical history wouldn't help catch in time now would they?


----------



## CheatersRGarbage

Dictum Veritas said:


> He already got the evidence he needs from her phone, it's now time to act to protect himself and the kids.
> 
> Oh and OP, DNA test those kids. I sincerely doubt she was ever faithful to you. This is just the first time you caught her.
> 
> If one or more of the kids is not yours, the correct genetic medical history may save their lives in an emergency, where the lack thereof may turn out to be a death sentence.


Thank goodness, at least he’s done that. Now he needs to come up with a good and solid escape plan and leave this woman in the dust.


----------



## CallingDrLove

Dictum Veritas said:


> Yes doc, especially those diseases that develop over time and can be treated in early stages unless you never knew about it, those little **** a medical history wouldn't help catch in time now would they?


1. Can you give me an example of a situation you are referring to?
2. Although it could happen what you are referring too is exceedingly unlikely. Which is why I said what I said. 
3.You honestly think in this situation she would actually be able to identify the real father?


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CallingDrLove said:


> 1. Can you give me an example of a situation you are referring to?
> 2. Although it could happen what you are referring too is exceedingly unlikely. Which is why I said what I said.
> 3.You honestly think in this situation she would actually be able to identify the real father?


I'm not going to make an issue out of this save to say DNA matters.


----------



## In Absentia

She was probably shagging them _before _she got the job_... _that's how she got it... sorry to hear that. It must be really difficult to accept.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...
> 
> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> 
> I assumed at the worst was the she had a drunken mistake with some guy, and if she could stay away from the alcohol, things might be ok. But not only is she sleeping with both of them, she is sending them pics, and telling them both she loves them.
> 
> This job thing happened really quickly, so within a couple of weeks of meeting these people she is already f*cking 2 of them! The guy whose house she went back to, I think that was only the second time she's met him.
> 
> The messed up thing is that things have actually been really good between us, and the se* is great.
> 
> Clearly she has cheated on me A LOT.
> 
> I took screenshots of all the messages and put her phone back.
> 
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


I’m really sorry things went this way.

I would advise you to get a consult with a lawyer right away. At least you have to understand what your options look like in a divorce. Then you can start to plan your next steps.

Please do _not_ consider any other road than divorce. Your W is not a safe partner for anyone, ever, and you know this now.


----------



## D0nnivain

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> * * *
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


Ouch. Sorry.

Once you clear your head you need to make a plan of action. You know this was not some one off thing & it will never stop. 

So call the lawyer on Monday & start getting your life back. Make an appointment with your doctor too to get an STD test. You can't be too careful with something like this.


----------



## marko polo

Do not confront her. You will only get lies and excuses. She will never give you a full confession or anything remotely close to one.

DNA test the kids. Get yourself tested for STDs. Speak to a lawyer as advised by others. Act only when you are ready.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I hope I am wrong OP but from everything you've posted so far, I'm doubtful this is a deal breaker for you.


----------



## Casual Observer

husbandtryinghisbest said:


> Ok, that post you all expected would happen is here...
> 
> I checked her phone while she was asleep, and checked her WhatsApp messages. She f*cking her new boss, and the guy whose house she went back to! And she maybe f*cking the taxi driver that she regularly calls on, at the very least she is flirting with him, and she is also flirting with another guy related to her new job.
> 
> It is SO worse than I thought.
> 
> ...
> 
> Need to think. Sorry for dismissing you opinons.


No, it's not time to think. It's time to act. "Thinking" has paralyzed you for years. She's taken advantage of your "thinking" nature while she "acts" without regard to consequences.


----------



## Numb26

Time to go "Scorched Earth"


----------



## Casual Observer

Numb26 said:


> Time to go "Scorched Earth"


The story is beginning to strain credibility. Her actions are so brazen and continuous, tough to believe OP hasn’t noticed something else looking a little scorched by now.

Maybe I’m naive but is it that easy for a woman to “clean up” that a guy would never notice recent activity?


----------



## Numb26

Casual Observer said:


> The story is beginning to strain credibility. Her actions are so brazen and continuous, tough to believe OP hasn’t noticed something else looking a little scorched by now.
> 
> Maybe I’m naive but is it that easy for a woman to “clean up” that a guy would never notice recent activity?


I am beginning to believe that this new generation of "men" have been conditioned to accept this


----------

