# my wife says she has no feelings for me anymore.



## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hello all, my wife told me 7 dayes ago that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I broke down and asking her to please give me a chance to fix it. She agreed to give me a chance. The big issue is my attitude, I know its going to take longer than a week for our relationship to be fixed but since she exploded and told me how she felt, I've changed my attitude, I don't raise my voice, I dont get smart about anything. I've not once metioned the things she does wrong in our relationship because it's not about her, it's about me. I know it's my fault. I neglected her, never showed her how much I appreciate her. She would always ask me to hold her at night, and I would complain about it because it was uncomfortable for me to lay on my side and try to sleep. Tonight, we sit down and talked, I've promised her I'm changing for the good and she said shes afraid I'll just go back to the bad me in a few months. I told her im changing for good and she told me she doesn't know if me changing for good will be enough. She told me she has no feelings for me, that the only reason she hasn't left the house yet is because the kid(hers from a previous relationship but I'm daddy to them) and she knows I'd do something stupid if she left. I asked her if she could dig deep down inside and find it in her to give me 1 more chance with her heart. She said "I'm still here aren't I?" Yea, she's still there but only because the kids and the fear that I would hurt myself, I want her still her because she wants the old "us" back. I asked her to think about it and let me know if she can truly give me another chance and I'm still waiting on that reply. I need some advice on what to do to regain her trust and love. I've been 1 week without being able to kiss, hug, or hold my wife and it's killing me on the inside. I've cried so much it's unreal. 
Also, I've gained 50 pounds since we got married almost 3 years ago I'm working on lossing that weight (down 7.4 pounds this first week). I also asked if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling and she said no she wasn't going to any type of counseling. Sorry for any misspelled words or any errors, I'm using a phone to type this and I'm crying at the same time.. PLEASE help me save my family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Also, she works day shift as security at a big plant, there's a supervisor from inside the plant that she has been texting alot lately, I asked her about it when I seen a text from him to her saying "I'm glad you like all that about me" but all the previous texts was deleted. She said there's nothing there and I feel like she's looking for what I can't give her anymore. I want to give her the world, she's my every thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Hello all, my wife told me 7 dayes ago that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I broke down and asking her to please give me a chance to fix it. She agreed to give me a chance. The big issue is my attitude, I know its going to take longer than a week for our relationship to be fixed but since she exploded and told me how she felt, I've changed my attitude, I don't raise my voice, I dont get smart about anything. I've not once metioned the things she does wrong in our relationship because it's not about her, it's about me. I know it's my fault. I neglected her, never showed her how much I appreciate her. She would always ask me to hold her at night, and I would complain about it because it was uncomfortable for me to lay on my side and try to sleep. Tonight, we sit down and talked, I've promised her I'm changing for the good and she said shes afraid I'll just go back to the bad me in a few months. I told her im changing for good and she told me she doesn't know if me changing for good will be enough. She told me she has no feelings for me, that the only reason she hasn't left the house yet is because the kid(hers from a previous relationship but I'm daddy to them) and she knows I'd do something stupid if she left. I asked her if she could dig deep down inside and find it in her to give me 1 more chance with her heart. She said "I'm still here aren't I?" Yea, she's still there but only because the kids and the fear that I would hurt myself, I want her still her because she wants the old "us" back. I asked her to think about it and let me know if she can truly give me another chance and I'm still waiting on that reply. I need some advice on what to do to regain her trust and love. I've been 1 week without being able to kiss, hug, or hold my wife and it's killing me on the inside. I've cried so much it's unreal.
> Also, I've gained 50 pounds since we got married almost 3 years ago I'm working on lossing that weight (down 7.4 pounds this first week). I also asked if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling and she said no she wasn't going to any type of counseling. Sorry for any misspelled words or any errors, I'm using a phone to type this and I'm crying at the same time.. PLEASE help me save my family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you know who guy she's cheating with is?
How long it's been going on?
Has it become physical yet?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Also, she works day shift as security at a big plant, there's a supervisor from inside the plant that she has been texting alot lately, I asked her about it when I seen a text from him to her saying "I'm glad you like all that about me" but all the previous texts was deleted. She said there's nothing there and I feel like she's looking for what I can't give her anymore. I want to give her the world, she's my every thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was fast!!
Ok. So she's cheating. Is it a dealbreaker for you?


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> That was fast!!
> Ok. So she's cheating. Is it a dealbreaker for you?


No, it's not a deal breaker for me, I love her and I'm willing to forgive her. It's not become physical yet to my knowledge. I've seen the last few days of text between them thanks to our service provider. They haven't said "I love you" or I like you even. They've flirted more than anything. He sent her a pic of him with his shirt off and one from when he was in his teens, she's sent a few photos but they are all completely dressed, nothing bad. He said in one text that he thought he was going to get to see more and she said he might get too. She texts him every morning when she leaves the house, saying good morning, he knows she's mmarried. When I asked her about it, she said he was a friend and that's it. A friend doesn't ask to see "more" of you in a pic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

She sends pics of her after she changes out of her work clothes and into nicer clothes. He replies with comments like she's gorgeous or beautiful. I've been sappy for a week and I know it's playing a role in the problem, I'm just so scared and worried. I want to be the flirty husband I was before but I've honestlyrics forgot how to flirt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> No, it's not a deal breaker for me, I love her and I'm willing to forgive her. It's not become physical yet to my knowledge. I've seen the last few days of text between them thanks to our service provider. They haven't said "I love you" or I like you even. They've flirted more than anything. He sent her a pic of him with his shirt off and one from when he was in his teens, she's sent a few photos but they are all completely dressed, nothing bad. He said in one text that he thought he was going to get to see more and she said he might get too. She texts him every morning when she leaves the house, saying good morning, he knows she's mmarried. When I asked her about it, she said he was a friend and that's it. A friend doesn't ask to see "more" of you in a pic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So your ok if she screws him while married to you? If that's the case, then I have no advise but to wish you good luck.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

No. If it was physical, I wouldn't be ok with it. If she would stop texting him now before it leads to more, I'd be ok with t. So fat from what I see in the texts, it's that he is flirting and she's letting him when I wish she would say something like, "I'm married and trying to fix things with my husband, please stop texting me" or just ask him to stop flirting with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> No. If it was physical, I wouldn't be ok with it. If she would stop texting him now before it leads to more, I'd be ok with t. So fat from what I see in the texts, it's that he is flirting and she's letting him when I wish she would say something like, "I'm married and trying to fix things with my husband, please stop texting me" or just ask him to stop flirting with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only chance I see for you is to kill this EA before it escalates to sex. Report the supervisor to his work HR with proof. Also get some self respect!!!


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

While I was reading your first post I was thinking that there had to be an OM somewhere. Then came your second post and there he was.

99% of the time the ILYBINILWY speech (I Love you but I'm not in love with you) means that infidelity is happening (EA or PA).

Most of what she complained about is bull**** she is feeding you and herself to justify the fact that she's cheating (and plans to do so physically if she didn't already do it) to herself.

You need to investigate this relationship seriously and kill it. Remember that there is a high chance that this is ALREADY physical.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I would suggest PM'ing a mod and having this moved to the "Coping with Infidelity" group.

You need to study up quick on how to break this little tryst up and save your marriage.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

How would I find a MOD and get it moved? I want to stop this fast before my marriage is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

A little Update:
I gathered some more info on the guy shes been texting, I sit her down today and brought it all out on the table, in a calm way. She admits that he gives her attention and she lets it happen. I never showed her any attention before, so she seeked it elsewhere. After our talk, we went out to eat, went to walmart shopping, and even went and looked at a bigger house (Current house is to small for our family). We got home and we both laid down, I put my arm around her and she didnt tell me to move it so we fell asleep with me holding her. She had a bad dream that she was at work and some guy grabbed her and started feeling her up, she said i was in the conrer asleep. In her dream she was screaming for me, and her bestfirend/co-worker who was also there but i wouldnt wake up and her coworker wouldnt help her.. She told me again that she loves me, and this time said she cares about me but she truely isnt in love with anymore. Shes afriad ill turn into the A*hole I was before (Which I was a prick, I never showed her attention, I appreciated her anything she did for me, and i took advantage of her love) I asked her to please look deep inside and see if theres any chance that she can give "US" one more go around.
Id love some advice on what/where to go from here. 
Anyone else been in this position?


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Also please note, from the time we me until now I have went from a 38 in pants to a 44 in pants. Ive put on some weight and I know it plays a factor in her being attracted to me. Im working on lossing my weight and getting back to where I was, not only for my wife but for myself. If anyone has any ideas for questions I should ask, or things I should do, please, let me know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Read this, and see if any of it fits your wife:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

JLD, I know it sounds bad of me, but its hard for me to comprhend what that page is asking. could you break it down for me please?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Hello all, my wife told me 7 dayes ago that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I broke down and asking her to please give me a chance to fix it. She agreed to give me a chance. The big issue is my attitude, I know its going to take longer than a week for our relationship to be fixed but since she exploded and told me how she felt, I've changed my attitude, I don't raise my voice, I dont get smart about anything. I've not once metioned the things she does wrong in our relationship because it's not about her, it's about me. I know it's my fault. I neglected her, never showed her how much I appreciate her. She would always ask me to hold her at night, and I would complain about it because it was uncomfortable for me to lay on my side and try to sleep. Tonight, we sit down and talked, I've promised her I'm changing for the good and she said shes afraid I'll just go back to the bad me in a few months. I told her im changing for good and she told me she doesn't know if me changing for good will be enough. She told me she has no feelings for me, that the only reason she hasn't left the house yet is because the kid(hers from a previous relationship but I'm daddy to them) and she knows I'd do something stupid if she left. I asked her if she could dig deep down inside and find it in her to give me 1 more chance with her heart. She said "I'm still here aren't I?" Yea, she's still there but only because the kids and the fear that I would hurt myself, I want her still her because she wants the old "us" back.


The only way you can save your marriage is if she is in the house with you. So forget about why she is there and just count your lucky stars that she is.

If you do this right, she will be back into you and your relationship. It will take time but let’s face it, it takes time to make permanent changes and rebuild trust.




Hopkins1133 said:


> I asked her to think about it and let me know if she can truly give me another chance and I'm still waiting on that reply.


Do not make her make that choice right now. Just assume that she is giving you a chance since she is still there. She is giving you a chance by the way. That’s the real reason she is still there. If she really wanted to be gone, she would be gone. But do take this very seriously.




Hopkins1133 said:


> I need some advice on what to do to regain her trust and love. I've been 1 week without being able to kiss, hug, or hold my wife and it's killing me on the inside. I've cried so much it's unreal.
> 
> Also, I've gained 50 pounds since we got married almost 3 years ago I'm working on lossing that weight (down 7.4 pounds this first week). I also asked if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling and she said no she wasn't going to any type of counseling. Sorry for any misspelled words or any errors, I'm using a phone to type this and I'm crying at the same time.. PLEASE help me save my family.


There are three books (all by Dr. Harley) that I think will help you a LOT. Read them in the order listed below. Do the things that book suggests.

*”Surviving an Affair”
”His Need, Her Needs”
"Love Busters"*


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The only way you can save your marriage is if she is in the house with you. So forget about why she is there and just count your lucky stars that she is.
> 
> If you do this right, she will be back into you and your relationship. It will take time but let’s face it, it takes time to make permanent changes and rebuild trust.
> 
> ...



Is there a link that I could download the 3 books for free?? Im still scared of the guy she was texting. I still see him as a threat. I know this is going to take alot of time, im just scared shes not going to give me enough time. orignally she said after the holidays and income tax return, we would split ways. Ive always been the type to expect the worse so its easier if it happens. My biggest fear right now is she doesnt want to give me another chance and shes just saying these things to keep me happy until income tax return time. 

I asked her tonight, thru a text, if she could remember 3 things she loved about me/us, that i can name 3 i love about her/us: Her funny side, her smile, and our late night talks. She never gave a answer. later into our text convo I asked if she was able to think of 3 things. she said

"No I havent given it any thought, You are seriously annoying me by standing on my a$$ about **** and being extremely repetitive."

i need advice on what to do.. I do see that im being repetitve but I love this woman more than anyone in the world could ever know. her and our boys are the two things in my life that mean more to me than my own life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> JLD, I know it sounds bad of me, but its hard for me to comprhend what that page is asking. could you break it down for me please?


I understand the page... but I would be easier to work you through it.

Can you list the major things you are have been on her case about?

What are the things that she has told you she is upset about? Not just this week, for a long time.



Hopkins1133 said:


> (Which I was a prick, I never showed her attention, I appreciated her anything she did for me, and i took advantage of her love)


Can you give us some examples of you being a prick to her? 

Examples of you taking advantage of her?


Hopkins1133 said:


> I asked her to please look deep inside and see if theres any chance that she can give "US" one more go around.


Stop begging. If you are going to save your marriage, you have to use action, not words. She’s in the house with you, she’s giving you a chance.


Hopkins1133 said:


> Anyone else been in this position?


Well I’ve been in your wife’s position before.. but without the guy at work.

I understand how she got to where she is. And I understand what would help fix this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Is there a link that I could download the 3 books for free??


I don’t know of a free download. I’ll keep looking.

I know that the books are available in Kindle format on Amazon. They are about $10-$12 each. If you do not have a kindle, amazon has free apps and a free webreader for the kindle.



Hopkins1133 said:


> Im still scared of the guy she was texting. I still see him as a threat. I know this is going to take alot of time, im just scared shes not going to give me enough time. orignally she said after the holidays and income tax return, we would split ways. Ive always been the type to expect the worse so its easier if it happens. My biggest fear right now is she doesnt want to give me another chance and shes just saying these things to keep me happy until income tax return time.


You need to find out as much as you can about that guy. Is he married? He’s a supervisor so what he is doing can be considered harassment.

If you can, get copies of the texts between them. Even taking a photo of her phone with them open, one by one, is a good idea.



Hopkins1133 said:


> I asked her tonight, thru a text, if she could remember 3 things she loved about me/us, that i can name 3 i love about her/us: Her funny side, her smile, and our late night talks. She never gave a answer. later into our text convo I asked if she was able to think of 3 things. she said
> 
> "No I havent given it any thought, You are seriously annoying me by standing on my a$$ about **** and being extremely repetitive."


Ok stop that… a question like that is not going to help you. 



Hopkins1133 said:


> i need advice on what to do.. I do see that im being repetitve but I love this woman more than anyone in the world could ever know. her and our boys are the two things in my life that mean more to me than my own life.


Serious question here. If you love her so much, why did not treat her not so nice?


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I understand the page... but I would be easier to work you through it.
> 
> Can you list the major things you are have been on her case about?
> 
> ...


In the last week, Ive been bugging her about giving me another chance at having her heart. I used a glass vase for example. I told her to see the vase as broken into pieces, I tell her she can try and fix the vase but I put it in a box and bury it somewhere she cant find it. I then asked her how she planned to fix the vase if I wont let her have it. She understood what i was trying to get at about I cant fix her heart if she wont let me near it. 

What has she told me shes upset about?
Me being lazy, I work night shift, i would sleep all day then just lay around until work time.
My constant attitude, bills pile up, i got stressed and took it out on her by never being in a good mood.
My weight, dibetes runs in both sides of my family and she has been worried about my health (5'10" 319 pounds)
Screaming at the kids, I would get agervated with the boys easy, I would raise my voice with them.
She sells Scentsy on the side for fun and I collect automotive stuff. When money got tight around christmas, I told her she had to stop selling scenty because we didnt have the money for it, which I know hurt her because Ive never backed her on any of the things she sells (PartyLite, Avon, Scentsy) and I should had, I feel like a horrible husband for it. 

Taking Adventage of her, I never told her thank you for doing things for me like cooking dinner, buying me new socks, little things.

The last time we had intercourse was rougly 2.5 weeks ago, she just laid there, didnt make a sound, and I didnt even say anything. After I was finished, I rolled over, lit us each a cigarette and we both got on our phones (facebook). 
I know this is my fault and I feel so bad for it.. I told her today that I know the sad, depressed state that ive been in for the past week is not attractive at all and i would soon come out of it and be the funny, go lucky man she first met.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don’t know of a free download. I’ll keep looking.
> 
> I know that the books are available in Kindle format on Amazon. They are about $10-$12 each. If you do not have a kindle, amazon has free apps and a free webreader for the kindle.
> 
> ...


The guy shes texting according to his facebook page (Which she is not friends on) he is single, has 3 kids All aged 6 and under. I beleive one of his kids mom lives with him but they arent together. My wife and I work for the same company, Shes a guard at a Metal plant, and Im a field rover at night (Drive around site to site and check on the gaurds) so I can do a little digging into it.. I want to ask her to quit her job to keep her away from this guy, but shes said in the past she isnt quiting the job because she likes it there. 
I have screen shots of their convos from 12/23 to current. she found out today when I asked her about him and the text details that I was able to read her texts. she said she wasnt mad and admitted that she snoops on my phone as well, which im fine with, I have nothing to hide. 

I was stressed all the time, we had small arguemnets that would go away by morning ever so often. I honestly lost myself and didnt even reliaze the pain and discomfort I was causing her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Check your PMs


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

I replied to your PM.. 
Thank you for trying to help my family


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> In the last week, Ive been bugging her about giving me another chance at having her heart. I used a glass vase for example. I told her to see the vase as broken into pieces, I tell her she can try and fix the vase but I put it in a box and bury it somewhere she cant find it. I then asked her how she planned to fix the vase if I wont let her have it. She understood what i was trying to get at about I cant fix her heart if she wont let me near it.


Yes you can get to her heart while she is protecting it and trying to keep you away to protect herself.



Hopkins1133 said:


> What has she told me shes upset about?
> 
> Me being lazy, I work night shift, i would sleep all day then just lay around until work time.


So, you need to solve this, it’s a problem not just for her, but for you.
Working night shift is very hard on a person. It can ruin your health. It throws off your body clock. Between this and your weight, I’ll bet you are tired.

When you sleep, do you snore, grasp for aid, wake up a lot, thrash around in bed a lot, have jerky leg movements? Does any of that happen to you?

Another thing that I notice here. You and your wife work opposite shifts. This is a marriage killer. It takes a lot of special attention and planning to keep those loving feelings when the two of you do get enough time together.



Hopkins1133 said:


> My constant attitude, bills pile up, i got stressed and took it out on her by never being in a good mood.


What you tired all the time? Do you wake up with headaches?

What do you think you can do to improve your attitude?

Can you get on a weekly schedule with your bills? Why do you procrastinate?

What do you do when you take stress out on her?



Hopkins1133 said:


> My weight, dibetes runs in both sides of my family and she has been worried about my health (5'10" 319 pounds)


She has good reason to worry. I’m waiting for your answers on the sleep thing before commenting here.


Hopkins1133 said:


> Screaming at the kids, I would get agervated with the boys easy, I would raise my voice with them.


Not cool at all. How old are the boys? What do they do to get you so aggravated?
It sounds like you need a stress reduction plan. 


Hopkins1133 said:


> She sells Scentsy on the side for fun and I collect automotive stuff. When money got tight around christmas, I told her she had to stop selling scenty because we didnt have the money for it, which I know hurt her because Ive never backed her on any of the things she sells (PartyLite, Avon, Scentsy) and I should had, I feel like a horrible husband for it.


Does she make any money on these things? Few people do. 
What percentage of your joint income does she make?
How do the two of you do your finances? Do you have a joint account? Do you both put all of your income into the account and then pay bills out of it? If not how do the two of you handle this?



Hopkins1133 said:


> Taking Adventage of her, I never told her thank you for doing things for me like cooking dinner, buying me new socks, little things.


Does she thank you for the things you do?

How much do you help with things like home chores, shopping, cooking, etc? It sounds like you don’t do much of anything at home. Is this true?



Hopkins1133 said:


> The last time we had intercourse was rougly 2.5 weeks ago, she just laid there, didnt make a sound, and I didnt even say anything. After I was finished, I rolled over, lit us each a cigarette and we both got on our phones (facebook).


Not good. But from what you have described here, I can understand why it’s come to this.



Hopkins1133 said:


> I know this is my fault and I feel so bad for it.. I told her today that I know the sad, depressed state that ive been in for the past week is not attractive at all and i would soon come out of it and be the funny, go lucky man she first met.


Stop all this emoting to her. Do not try to discuss these feeling with her. You need to first develop a plan and then go to actions. Actions speak louder than words.

And there is the complication of her flirt at work. That has to stop. But we need to know more.. like is he married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> The guy shes texting according to his facebook page (Which she is not friends on) he is single, has 3 kids All aged 6 and under. I beleive one of his kids mom lives with him but they arent together. My wife and I work for the same company, Shes a guard at a Metal plant, and Im a field rover at night (Drive around site to site and check on the gaurds) so I can do a little digging into it.. I want to ask her to quit her job to keep her away from this guy, but shes said in the past she isnt quiting the job because she likes it there.


3 kids under six and now he’s hitting on your wife? What a piece of work. How many different moms? 

Are you sure that he is not together with the woman who lives with him? This is important to find out.



Hopkins1133 said:


> I have screen shots of their convos from 12/23 to current. she found out today when I asked her about him and the text details that I was able to read her texts. she said she wasnt mad and admitted that she snoops on my phone as well, which im fine with, I have nothing to hide.


For right now, keep as close an eye on what’s going on with her and him but stop telling her what you know and what you are doing. The reason for this is that she and he could take it underground. Then it will be harder to break up the affair.

Do you and your wife have extended family near you? Does the OM (other man) have a family.. .like parents around?



Hopkins1133 said:


> I was stressed all the time, we had small arguemnets that would go away by morning ever so often. I honestly lost myself and didnt even reliaze the pain and discomfort I was causing her.


This is what happens with people. But you need to change… to be more aware. Live each day with a plan so that you do not allow yourself to ever slip into that that again.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yes you can get to her heart while she is protecting it and trying to keep you away to protect herself.
> 
> 
> So, you need to solve this, it’s a problem not just for her, but for you.
> ...


ok, if I miss a question, Im sorry.



When you sleep, do you snore, grasp for aid, wake up a lot, thrash around in bed a lot, have jerky leg movements? Does any of that happen to you?
Shes told me a snore and at times I seem to stop breathing in my sleep then gasp a big breath and never wake up from it. 

What you tired all the time? Do you wake up with headaches? 
No but I do get sinus migraines alot, sleep seems to be the only thing that will make them go away.

What do you think you can do to improve your attitude?
For the past week, Ive controled my anger and attutide, Im actually thinking about things before I say them or if im mad over something, Ill wait until I calm down then talk about it. 

Can you get on a weekly schedule with your bills? Why do you procrastinate?
I would love to get on a weekly schedule with our bills.. For the first 4 years of our relationship, we lived with my bed ridden grandmother. my wife was her care giver. We had no bills or anything. We are both 26 by the way. In Feb of 2014 we got our first place. the first 4-5 months was great, everything paid on time, no debt. Birthdays and christmas came around and money went toward those events before bills. That set us back, and we havent been able to come out of that hole yet. we plan on catching up all bills with income tax (Well that was our plan before all this happened). 

What do you do when you take stress out on her?
Not sure really, Im not beating her physically and I dont demand things of her or call her names or anything along those lines. I was always just a prick when stressed out because itsour first house, im the man of the house and I feel like its my job to make sure the bills are paid. 



Not cool at all. How old are the boys? What do they do to get you so aggravated?
They are 5 and 7, I honestly feel like we have no control over them. We can tell them to go play in their room and they will go to the hall. We can tell them to pick up their toys and they wont. I can ask them to be quite when im on a business call and they start screaming and fighting.. I know now that its kids being kids. I have honestly stepped out of my own circle and looked at myself for the past year. I was not myself.


Does she make any money on these things?
She makes around $5-$50 a month from it

What percentage of your joint income does she make?
She makes about 55% of our income. I make more on the hour but she works more hours.

How do the two of you do your finances? 
We have one bank account that both of our paydays go into. 

Does she thank you for the things you do?
sometimes, not very much

How much do you help with things like home chores, shopping, cooking, etc? It sounds like you don’t do much of anything at home. Is this true?
Not at all, I clean most of the house. When we got the house, I told my wife if she would cook, and keep laundry down, I would take care of the rest. 


Not good. But from what you have described here, I can understand why it’s come to this. 
Do you think I have a chance at winning her heart back?? I truly do see that this is all my fault. I want to change not only for my wife but for my family and myself.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> 3 kids under six and now he’s hitting on your wife? What a piece of work. How many different moms?
> 
> Are you sure that he is not together with the woman who lives with him? This is important to find out.
> 
> ...



3 kids under six and now he’s hitting on your wife? What a piece of work. How many different moms? Im not sure

Are you sure that he is not together with the woman who lives with him? This is important to find out.
I didnt even know about the girl living with him, supposedly him and my wife just talk about there problems. My wife is the one that told me his ex was living with him when she found out i was snooping on his facebook. I told her I figured out he is a single dad living alone with his 3 kids, and she told me he isnt alone that his ex that is one of his kids mom lives there too...

For right now, keep as close an eye on what’s going on with her and him but stop telling her what you know and what you are doing. The reason for this is that she and he could take it underground. Then it will be harder to break up the affair.

Do you and your wife have extended family near you?
My wifes grandmother and dad live about 20 mins away, all of my family is about2 hrs away. 
Does the OM (other man) have a family.. .like parents around? I have no idea, I dont know much about him


This is what happens with people. But you need to change… to be more aware. Live each day with a plan so that you do not allow yourself to ever slip into that that again

I plan on it, I want to be a better person so bad


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> I've seen the last few days of text between them thanks to our service provider.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Did you get access on-line, via your service provider, to her deleted texts? Or were they able to undelete them for you?


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> Did you get access on-line, via your service provider, to her deleted texts? Or were they able to undelete them for you?


We use verizon and they have online messaging. I had to gain access to her phone. Sign in online on my phone. It sent her a text saying welcome to online texting, I deleted it so she had no idea I was watching her texts. Even when she deleted her texts from her phone, anything sent or received after the morning I signed her up online for it I seen them all. If you going search "MyVerizon Messaging" it should be the top search result for details on what I used.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Shes told me a snore and at times I seem to stop breathing in my sleep then gasp a big breath and never wake up from it.


From the description of this, you have sleep apnea. When you snore, and especially when you gasp, you are basically suffocating in your sleep. These little episodes can happen over and over all night long. Because you are gasping for air, your blood oxygen levels can tank during the night. When you gasp and snore you wake up just enough so that you never get REM sleep. Sleep apnea is serious. I leads to serious health problems. You need to see a sleep doctor and get tests done so that you can manage the problem.
The symptoms when you are awake are that you are exhausted all the time so you have no energy to (you describe this… you wake up and just lay around until its work time). You might not recognize it as exhaustion because it’s become so normal to you.

There is a vicious cycle with sleep apnea in that it gets worse with weight gain. But sleep apnea makes it almost impossible to lose weight because it cases the hormones that control hunger to go up so you over eat. I causes the hormones that make you feel full to drop so you don’t get full easily. There are more hormones that get out of whack… all leading to weight gain, making it hard to lose weight and even leading to more weight gain. The sleep apnea gets worse with more sleep gain, and round and round the cycle goes.

This could explain a lot of your “laziness”, having a short temper, etc. It’s not an excuse. It’s a reason. You can get medical help and treatment. With that your outlook in life should improve greatly.

There are two types of sleep apnea:

Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA): The more common of the two forms of apnea, it is caused by a blockage of the airway, usually when the soft tissue in the back of the throat collapses during sleep.

Central sleep apnea: Unlike OSA, the airway is not blocked, but the brain fails to signal the muscles to breathe, due to instability in the respiratory control center.

What Are the Effects of Sleep Apnea?

If left untreated, sleep apnea can result in a growing number of health problems, including:


High blood pressure
Stroke
Heart failure, irregular heart beats, and heart attacks
Diabetes
Depression
Worsening of ADHD 
Headaches
Weight gain
In addition, untreated sleep apnea may be responsible for poor performance in everyday activities, such as at work and school, motor vehicle crashes, and academic underachievement in children and adolescents.

Sleep apnea Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> For the past week, Ive controled my anger and attutide, Im actually thinking about things before I say them or if im mad over something, Ill wait until I calm down then talk about it.


Good plan. Another good thing to do is to do something physical.. like go for a walk. Exercise causes endorphens to be produced in your brain and calms you down.



Hopkins1133 said:


> I would love to get on a weekly schedule with our bills.. For the first 4 years of our relationship, we lived with my bed ridden grandmother. my wife was her care giver. We had no bills or anything. We are both 26 by the way. In Feb of 2014 we got our first place. the first 4-5 months was great, everything paid on time, no debt. Birthdays and christmas came around and money went toward those events before bills. That set us back, and we havent been able to come out of that hole yet. we plan on catching up all bills with income tax (Well that was our plan before all this happened).


Ok, so set one day a week when you sit down and take care of the finances. 
It sounds like the two of you need some serious help with finances. I’ll post some websites that will help you tomorrow. 


Hopkins1133 said:


> Not sure really, Im not beating her physically and I dont demand things of her or call her names or anything along those lines. I was always just a prick when stressed out because itsour first house, im the man of the house and I feel like its my job to make sure the bills are paid.


Ok… we can revisit. Sounds like finances are a big issue. I need to get some sleep now so I’m going to post links on that tomorrow (as I said above)



Hopkins1133 said:


> They are 5 and 7, I honestly feel like we have no control over them. We can tell them to go play in their room and they will go to the hall. We can tell them to pick up their toys and they wont. I can ask them to be quite when im on a business call and they start screaming and fighting.. I know now that its kids being kids. I have honestly stepped out of my own circle and looked at myself for the past year. I was not myself.


Are these her children from another relationship?


Hopkins1133 said:


> She makes around $5-$50 a month from it


Ok so it’s not a financial drain?



Hopkins1133 said:


> She makes about 55% of our income. I make more on the hour but she works more hours.


How many hours a week do each of you work?


Hopkins1133 said:


> We have one bank account that both of our paydays go into.


Good



Hopkins1133 said:


> Does she thank you for the things you do?





Hopkins1133 said:


> sometimes, not very much


So neither of you are really good at showing appreciation to each other.



Hopkins1133 said:


> Not at all, I clean most of the house. When we got the house, I told my wife if she would cook, and keep laundry down, I would take care of the rest.


If you are doing most of the housework, why is she calling you lazy?



Hopkins1133 said:


> Do you think I have a chance at winning her heart back?? I truly do see that this is all my fault. I want to change not only for my wife but for my family and myself.


Yes you have a chance.

I’ve been asking you a lot of questions to get a clear picture and see what you can do. But I don’t think it’s all your fault.

Yes your yelling and general bad attitude is a relationship killer.

But you do a lot of housework and you have a job. And she says you are lazy? What is that all about? She complains that you do not thank her? But she’s not only not thinking you but being mean to you for all that you do. (Unless you work a lot, LOT, fewer hours at your job than she does at hers.)


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> From the description of this, you have sleep apnea. When you snore, and especially when you gasp, you are basically suffocating in your sleep. These little episodes can happen over and over all night long. Because you are gasping for air, your blood oxygen levels can tank during the night. When you gasp and snore you wake up just enough so that you never get REM sleep. Sleep apnea is serious. I leads to serious health problems. You need to see a sleep doctor and get tests done so that you can manage the problem.
> The symptoms when you are awake are that you are exhausted all the time so you have no energy to (you describe this… you wake up and just lay around until its work time). You might not recognize it as exhaustion because it’s become so normal to you.
> 
> There is a vicious cycle with sleep apnea in that it gets worse with weight gain. But sleep apnea makes it almost impossible to lose weight because it cases the hormones that control hunger to go up so you over eat. I causes the hormones that make you feel full to drop so you don’t get full easily. There are more hormones that get out of whack… all leading to weight gain, making it hard to lose weight and even leading to more weight gain. The sleep apnea gets worse with more sleep gain, and round and round the cycle goes.
> ...


Thank you for the info.. My mom suffered from sleep apnea, the removed the top of her mouth, some sort of hard plate?? Ive never been big on hospitals or medicine. you can take 1 pill to cover up one problem and the side effects of that 1 pill leads to another health issue that causes you to take another pill. If it could be part of the reason for my poor attitude for the past year or two, Im more than willing to go get checked out for it. Ill call the DR tomorrow and see when they can get me in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> I didnt even know about the girl living with him,


You need to find out everything you can about him. Find out if he is in a relationship with a woman. It’s extremely important. If he is, it gives you a very good angle to end her talking with him forever.



Hopkins1133 said:


> supposedly him and my wife just talk about there problems. My wife is the one that told me his ex was living with him when she found out i was snooping on his facebook. I told her I figured out he is a single dad living alone with his 3 kids, and she told me he isnt alone that his ex that is one of his kids mom lives there too...


How does your wife know that he is living with an ex? It could be a lie. Players lie all the time.

When opposite sex friends start talking about their personal problems in their respective relationships, it’s moving to at least an EA. Emotional affairs can be as destructive as physical affairs. Men seldom make friends with women be gossip and talk. Let’s face it, that’s what women do with tier BFF’s. When a man befriends a woman on this level, he’s looking to get into her pants.



Hopkins1133 said:


> My wifes grandmother and dad live about 20 mins away, all of my family is about2 hrs away.


Ok good to know. Do your wife’s grandmother and dad have a good relationship with her? Does she care what they think of her?



Hopkins1133 said:


> Does the OM (other man) have a family.. .like parents around? I have no idea, I dont know much about him


Another fact about him that you need to find out if at all possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Thank you for the info.. My mom suffered from sleep apnea, the removed the top of her mouth, some sort of hard plate?? Ive never been big on hospitals or medicine. you can take 1 pill to cover up one problem and the side effects of that 1 pill leads to another health issue that causes you to take another pill. If it could be part of the reason for my poor attitude for the past year or two, Im more than willing to go get checked out for it. Ill call the DR tomorrow and see when they can get me in.


Oh, your poor mother. 

I agree about pills and side effects. 

But as you know, sleep apnea is serous. There are no pills involved in the treatment usually. And yes, treatment and maintenance can make a huge difference in how you function on every level.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You need to find out everything you can about him. Find out if he is in a relationship with a woman. It’s extremely important. If he is, it gives you a very good angle to end her talking with him forever.
> 
> 
> How does your wife know that he is living with an ex? It could be a lie. Players lie all the time.
> ...


I dont think shes worried much about what her dad thinks but she cares what her granny thinks of her. 
I couldnt agree more with the comment about guys wanting to get in her pants.. My wife is a very beutiful woman, shes 5'8" 115 pounds, shes just beutiful all around, inside and out. Ive told her, im a guy, I know how guys think. She says she does it for the attention that I never give her, I understand her point of view, but what I dont get is that im now trying to fix our relationship but shes still texting him. I need faith in her that shes giving me chance.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, your poor mother.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My sleep apnea is treated with a CPAP machine. Makes a huge difference for me. I am miserable without it. Took some adjusting at first.



I also take Nuvigil. Provigil is similar and (perhaps) available in lower cost generic. Makes a HUGE difference too, especially with productivity and concentration.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, your poor mother.
> 
> I agree about pills and side effects.
> 
> But as you know, sleep apnea is serous. There are no pills involved in the treatment usually. And yes, treatment and maintenance can make a huge difference in how you function on every level.


My moms been thru alot. She had a kidney pancres transplant 5 years ago and now the kidney is rejecting her body. my mom and my wife dont get along the best. They get along enough infront of the kids but my wife and my mother got into a arguement about a year ago over my mom spending my grandmothers money. We moved out of the house, came back the next day to get our stuff, my mom broke the CDs that had our wedding pictures on it and drew devil faces on my wife in all the printed wedding pics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> My sleep apnea is treated with a CPAP machine. Makes a huge difference for me. I am miserable without it. Took some adjusting at first.
> 
> I also take Nuvigil. Provigil is similar and (perhaps) available in lower cost generic. Makes a HUGE difference too, especially with productivity and concentration.


I have sleep apnea too. There are cpap, apap, bi-pap and some with ventilators.

I've just found out that I have both obstructive and central sleep apnea. 

I've not taken any drug for it. I'll look those up.

Like you, I am miserable with a the machine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> My moms been thru alot. She had a kidney pancres transplant 5 years ago and now the kidney is rejecting her body. my mom and my wife dont get along the best. They get along enough infront of the kids but my wife and my mother got into a arguement about a year ago over my mom spending my grandmothers money. We moved out of the house, came back the next day to get our stuff, my mom broke the CDs that had our wedding pictures on it and drew devil faces on my wife in all the printed wedding pics.


Yikes... your mom lost it.

I'm heading to be now. Will check back in 6 to 8 hours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not the father of your children, right?

Is their bio father involved? Does he pay support?


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Im not the Bio father to either, they are both from different relationships in the past, they have different bio dads, but im dad to them. I have been since the youngest was 16 months old. Their Bio dads pay no support and have no contact with them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Im not the Bio father to either, they are both from different relationships in the past, they have different bio dads, but im dad to them. I have been since the youngest was 16 months old. Their Bio dads pay no support and have no contact with them.


You are a good man, Hopkins. Keep up the good work being every bit their "real" dad.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Im daddy.. 
they are sperm donors, thats the way my wife and myself looks at it. As far as the kids go Im there Bio dad


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hopkins, you will used and spit out dry by the time you open your eyes. Please move the thread to the Coping with Infidelity section of the website..

Women who have different kids with different guys are not usually good news. I understand that this might sound sexist.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Im daddy..
> they are sperm donors, thats the way my wife and myself looks at it. As far as the kids go Im there Bio dad


They are sperm donors and you are the wallet.


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## Hopkins1133 (Dec 27, 2014)

Warlock, thats hard to believe, for two reason, Ive been in the kids lives for alomst 5 years, for those nearly 5 years, my wallets not had enough money in it to be considered for that lol.. My wife makes more money than I do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

probably I over shot with the generalizations but you seem to be totally lost w.r.t the wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopkins1133 said:


> II asked if she was able to think of 3 things. she said
> 
> "No I havent given it any thought, You are seriously annoying me by standing on my a$$ about **** and being extremely repetitive."


When a woman starts loving another man, the ONLY way her husband can get her back is to be STRONG. Yes, fix your problems, but every single time you ask or whine or cry, it makes her despise you. Stop it. 

SHOW her in actions that you are no longer the whiny beta male you've become. You should be walking at least two miles every day to lose that weight or else being in a gym. She needs to SEE change in you, not HEAR about it.

Make it difficult for her to carry on her affair IN YOUR FACE. She doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect you. If she takes her phone out in front of you at home, walk over to her, put your hand gently over hers, and quietly say "Do NOT disrespect me by committing adultery in my home. If you must contact your lover, go outside to do it."

She needs to SEE you being strong, while still addressing what you've acknowledged you need to change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopkins1133 said:


> My wife makes more money than I do.


One of the top 2 or 3 reasons women cheat. The other two are negligence and lack of sexual attraction. You've hit all three.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> One of the top 2 or 3 reasons women cheat. The other two are negligence and lack of sexual attraction. You've hit all three.


Hopkins says that his wife earns 55% of their joint income. So the income disparity is not large. It's a lot closer to equal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Hopkins says that his wife earns 55% of their joint income. So the income disparity is not large. It's a lot closer to equal.


When combined with the others, though...

here is where I'll agree with jld that subconsciously at least, women want their men to lead.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

jld said:


> Read this, and see if any of it fits your wife:
> 
> Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


That should be mandatory reading prior to marriage. It's difficult, if not impossible, to fix what has been done. I learned the hard way and will never make the same mistakes again thankfully after reading stuff like that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One thing I haven't seen addressed is that if you have sleep apnea and snore it probably disrupts her sleep as well. In fact it clearly does if she notices that you stop breathing. Probably making her crabby too.

My hb doesn't have apnea but some nights he snores like a train. I'm a good sleeper but some nights it keeps me up and I'm crabby and don't feel well the next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Observer said:


> That should be mandatory reading prior to marriage. It's difficult, if not impossible, to fix what has been done. I learned the hard way and will never make the same mistakes again thankfully after reading stuff like that.


The site, ultimatehusband.com, is excellent. Lots of good, insightful articles to help men understand their wives.

But some men might struggle to put their pride aside and consider what is written.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> One thing I haven't seen addressed is that if you have sleep apnea and snore it probably disrupts her sleep as well. In fact it clearly does if she notices that you stop breathing. Probably making her crabby too.
> 
> My hb doesn't have apnea but some nights he snores like a train. I'm a good sleeper but some nights it keeps me up and I'm crabby and don't feel well the next day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG, all the nights after nights after nights that I will roll my H over onto his side over and over again so he'll at least shut up long enough for me to fall asleep! It's just about the worst thing about living with him!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What good is an unhealthy man to his family? 

How little a man thinks of himself, that he uses begging to get his wife to stay with him, and not some other man? 

How attractive as a husband, father, partner would you consider someone like you? 


Hopkins, for a minute, don't focus on your W, focus on what you can do to make things better.


Can you tell that many of your problems stem from yourself? Wouldn't you think that with all that's wrong in your home that you would need to start working on you first, since you are the only one in control of you? Stop waiting for others or your W to solve your problems. It's your life, don't let your personal resistance to change stop you from living it.

When faced with numerous problems on many fronts, its easier to work on one at a time, rather than try to juggle all of them at once. Once you start solving one of two, many will fall into place. Unlike juggling, where you can't let one drop ever. You do understand you can't solve any of these family problems until you solve your own personal problems, don't you?

Job one, start working toward getting your health under control. Start working on getting back to that man you once were. Make the appropriate MD appointments today! Find a gym, most have dieticians. Get the money together and buy the books EleGirl recommended. 

Here's one to get you started on you, The Married Man Sex Life Primer. (It's not about sex. It's about being a man and a leader)

Best


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> OMG, all the nights after nights after nights that I will roll my H over onto his side over and over again so he'll at least shut up long enough for me to fall asleep! It's just about the worst thing about living with him!


LOL, I do the same thing. But I also have a good set of earplugs.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Hopkins, get an attorney, IMMEDIATELY. And don't let her know you are doing it if you do.

You might also ask her to move out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Look to get counselling for you, your wife and together as a couple.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> My biggest fear right now is she doesnt want to give me another chance and shes just saying these things to keep me happy until income tax return time.



Here's the thing Dawg. Women don't give you another. They give themselves another chance (to get over any ambivalence about ditching you) When she's ready to walk, ain't nothing you can say or do to change it. I don't care how much you love her, or need her. Whether she goes or stays is dependent on how she feels about you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

True.

Hopkins stop begging her for another chance.

Instead put your effort into the following:

Losing weight is most important. You are obese and it is affecting your sleep, your blood. Heck, just about everything.
I speak from experience.

Smoking. Quit. Period. Your wife should too.

Stop begging her. She thinks the grass could be greener on the other side with the OM.

And guess what. She can tell you that you are a great Dad. But she has kids with other men and then brought those children into your marriage.

She is using you. Or has used you and is ready to move on to greener pastures.

Because if you were such a great dad she wouldn't be threatening to leave you.

I am not saying this to hurt you. I am pointing this out to you so you prioritize what you need to do.

You need to focus on yourself. You need to get better physically for you, not her.

That is what she means about making permanent changes.

She is right about that. But you need to make those changes for you.

You need to show her a little tough love.

I would also report the OM.

Use your balls. It is why god gave them to you.

HM


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yet another sad story of a guy who treats his wife like crap, then when she's ready to walk all of a sudden he gets it. Geez guys, if you treat your wife well from the beginning most of you won't have these issues. What is it about wedding vows that make it ok to treat your wife poorly? Last I heard "love and cherish" were also part of the vows.

I seriously don't get it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet another sad story of a guy who treats his wife like crap, then when she's ready to walk all of a sudden he gets it. Geez guys, if you treat your wife well from the beginning most of you won't have these issues. What is it about wedding vows that make it ok to treat your wife poorly? Last I heard "love and cherish" were also part of the vows.
> 
> I seriously don't get it.


Lots of men and women alike don't get it and their actions prove it. This is not something reserved solely for the male of the species. After several years of mistreatment, my STBXW tells me she never wanted to marry me and did so rather than embarrass me. So years of mistreatment is much better than one day of embarrassment.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Lots of men and women alike don't get it and their actions prove it. This is not something reserved solely for the male of the species. After several years of mistreatment, my STBXW tells me she never wanted to marry me and did so rather than embarrass me. So years of mistreatment is much better than one day of embarrassment.


That does suck, would've been much better to cut you loose to find someone who wanted you. I guess you could think of this like woman gets married and cuts off sex. 10 years later, after years of telling her it was a problem, hubby tells her he's not in love with her and wants to leave. All of a sudden she gets it and offers sex but he's just not attracted anymore. Nobody would blame him, once that disconnect happens it's difficult to re-establish the connection. Yet she's expected to be receptive where he wouldn't be. 

All the things he's now done, losing weight and lowering his voice, why did it take her telling him she's not in love with him to bring his A-game? He thought it was ok, or be just didn't think she would leave? And now he's being told to find his balls, like he's the victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> That does suck, would've been much better to cut you loose to find someone who wanted you. I guess you could think of this like woman gets married and cuts off sex. 10 years later, after years of telling her it was a problem, hubby tells her he's not in love with her and wants to leave. All of a sudden she gets it and offers sex but he's just not attracted anymore. Nobody would blame him, once that disconnect happens it's difficult to re-establish the connection. Yet she's expected to be receptive where he wouldn't be.
> 
> All the things he's now done, losing weight and lowering his voice, why did it take her telling him she's not in love with him to bring his A-game? He thought it was ok, or be just didn't think she would leave? And now he's being told to find his balls, like he's the victim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Wow, remove the "telling her he's not in love with her" and add in the fact that after WW cuts off sex for the BH, she then offers it to anyone and everyone, unbeknownst to the BH and you have my story, which is why I haven't posted it in my own thread here on TAM.

It gets old being told it is your bed so lie in it, read MMSSL, nut up, get your balls out of her purse, become alpha, etc, etc, etc. You are a good provider, husband, father, and now you are the reason that she cheated. Yeah not buying it. LOL


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Wow, remove the "telling her he's not in love with her" and add in the fact that after WW cuts off sex for the BH, she then offers it to anyone and everyone, unbeknownst to the BH and you have my story, which is why I haven't posted it in my own thread here on TAM.
> 
> It gets old being told it is your bed so lie in it, read MMSSL, nut up, get your balls out of her purse, become alpha, etc, etc, etc. You are a good provider, husband, father, and now you are the reason that she cheated. Yeah not buying it. LOL


I hope you're not suggesting I said it was your fault your wife cheated, I don't know your story. I'm addressing this post, where's he's talked about some of the things he's changed. These are things that should be taken care of as part of a marriage, not put off until wife wants to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> *When a woman starts loving another man, the ONLY way her husband can get her back is to be STRONG.* Yes, fix your problems, but every single time you ask or whine or cry, it makes her despise you. Stop it.
> 
> SHOW her in actions that you are no longer the whiny beta male you've become. *You should be walking at least two miles every day to lose that weight or else being in a gym. She needs to SEE change in you, not HEAR about it.*
> 
> ...





vellocet said:


> Hopkins, *get an attorney, IMMEDIATELY.* And don't let her know you are doing it if you do.
> 
> You might also ask her to move out.





happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> True.
> 
> ...


Hopkins1133,

The foregoing is the best advice you have received so far. Follow it and, even if you don't get your WW back, you will be a far better and happier man.

One other piece of advice: stop worrying about the past -- how you screwed up -- and only focus on the present -- fixing yourself and responding appropriately to what your WW is doing (including distancing yourself from her emotionally while she continues to cheat on you).

Do this and the future will take care of itself.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

OP, the best book I can advice for you for lose weight, and be more healthy, is "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover. 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

It doesn't speak about how to lose weight, what is healthy or not, no it speaks about YOU and only you are able to make change for yourself, like losing weight. 
You can wait how much you want, no unicorn will come to help you to lose weight.

And it's a great book for improve himself, for himself. Because changing himself for someone else leads to frustration, and never work on long time.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I hope you're not suggesting I said it was your fault your wife cheated, I don't know your story. I'm addressing this post, where's he's talked about some of the things he's changed. These are things that should be taken care of as part of a marriage, not put off until wife wants to leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, no, I wasn't suggesting that. I was just stating that the entire scenario you described was my life as it was almost like you had some special insight into my marriage, LOL, (except the H ignoring the W part, although I guess i might have just as much as the next guy in a LTR does, nothing egregious, unless you ask her, but she is the one that is using it for justification as she started cheating/ inappropriate behavior for married people within a few days of the marriage).


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Hopkins1133 said:


> She says she does it for the attention that I never give her, I understand her point of view, but what I dont get is that im now trying to fix our relationship but shes still texting him. I need faith in her that shes giving me chance.


You are wasting your time, while you do have problems you need to address becoming the perfect husband isn't going to change her mind. It's "too little too late" and she will only see your changes as temporary and that you are only doing them because she has checked out of the marriage ("why didn't you act like this before? blah blah blah").

She may try to humor you by saying she will give you a chance but its only going to build up resentment, especially if she is still talking to an OM. You can never compete with an affair and even trying to makes the BS look pathetic. Playing the nice guy now isn't really going to help since it looks to me she is already pretty far gone.

I'd say focus on yourself but don't give her any leeway on talking to the OM. Tell her if she wants to continue talking to him then move out because you will not tolerate living with someone that done's want to be with you. I think if you continue the route you are on now with dealing with her you are going to fail. Your behavior may end up enabling the affair by being her backup plan (she knows you won't leave she she can take a chance with the OM).

Many years ago my W found me talking to girls online and once she confronted the first thing out of her mouth was divorce which I thought at the time was going WAY overboard. In hindsight she did the right thing as I have not done anything like that since because I know she will not tolerate any disrespect from me.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay Hopkins, you were a crappy husband. I get it.

But understand something; what your wife is doing in response to that is worse. *MUCH* worse. She's crossed a line and broken your wedding vows - even if this is only an EA. And if it is only an EA, it won't be very long before it's a PA; with this guy or some other guy. 

She could have tried talking to you. If that didn't work she could have given you a MC or divorce ultimatum. She could have talked or walked. Instead she cheated.

Like many BS's, you think the best way to handle this is to nice your way back in; to beg her for forgiveness. That's simply not going to work. The more you chase, the more she will run. The more you beg and plead, the more respect and attraction she loses for you.

Here's what I suggest.

Have a sit down conversation with her. Tell her you realize your responsibility in the marital issues and that you are truly sorry for not meeting her needs. That you're willing to do your part by giving your full effort in becoming a better man and a better husband. That you're willing to go to MC.

Tell her that you can't control what she does, but you can control what you will accept from her; and you will no longer accept her having contact with this OM. You will no longer accept her infidelity and disrespect. She has to stop all contact with him and send him a no contact communication that includes her regret for what she's done. A communication that you will read and approve of first. She will allow you to verify the no contact by being completely transparent with her phone and computer. And, she will start seeking other employment immediately.

If she refuses to agree to *any* of these things, implement the 180 to detach from her and talk to an attorney to begin the divorce process. Don't stop that process unless and until she completely complies with what you have asked.

This is the first step in getting your self respect back and the best chance of saving your marriage.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Also please note, from the time we me until now I have went from a 38 in pants to a 44 in pants. Ive put on some weight and I know it plays a factor in her being attracted to me. Im working on lossing my weight and getting back to where I was, not only for my wife but for myself. If anyone has any ideas for questions I should ask, or things I should do, please, let me know.


Hop don't announce what changes you will make

She won't believe them

Just be the best man and father you can be and do what ever it takes to make you that.

Stay positive always

Have fun always

Let your positive actions speak your truth

If they are not good enough

Let her walk

They will be good enough for a new wife.

55


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Another sad story of a 'zombie marriage' that should have been put out of its misery long before getting to this stage. 

Speaking from experience, I will say it is so much better to find the courage to end a dead marriage *before* either partner stoops to an affair. We are all creatures of emotion, needing affection and connection. Affairs are almost inevitable when spouses contort themselves to stay in a marriage where both partners have lost respect/despise the other.

I believe in the 180 method. It took me a while, and some good advice from here, to embrace it. It didn't save my marriage, but it did preserve our ability to interact civilly for our son by allowing me to detach and move on. Things would have been much worse, I think, if we stayed in our dead marriage and stooped to cheating.

I'm in no way pro-divorce. But I do think couples need to get a lot more honest about recognizing when a marriage is truly over and moving on. There is life and love beyond the darkness of divorce. Pass through, learn the lessons, and dare to embrace happiness Hopkins.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude, read the 180 for BS's right away. Also the "let them go" post. They're both very good. You're basically doing everything 100% wrong at this point. Not my opinion, the expert opinion.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's admitted that her heart isn't in the relationship but her body is still hanging around, allegedly for kids who aren't even your's. What percentage of the household income do you provide? What are the odds that you've become a human ATM machine like so many others?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hopkins1133 said:


> Im not the Bio father to either, they are both from different relationships in the past, they have different bio dads, but im dad to them. I have been since the youngest was 16 months old. Their Bio dads pay no support and have no contact with them.


Well then, this says it all. You are just the live-in babysitter to her. That is your role.


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