# What more can I do?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi everyone!
So me and my guy are still communicating long distance, and things seem pretty good. He’s been gone now a little over a month. We haven’t seen eachother since he left in July. We chat often and talk about our lives, work, kids, etc. he’s getting used to his job more now and the area.

I think I’ve been missing the physical more lately than him though. We’ve shared sexts and I’ve sent him pics and a video here as of late. But I’m wondering if I’m talking about it too much? Friday night I was feeling a little frisky, so I started to flirt with him.
I asked- What would you do if I was on the couch with you right now?
He replied: undressing you... 
I said then what? Lol
He replied: pick you up and haul your butt to the bedroom.
I was wanting a more detailed response, but took it as he wasn’t feeling it?
So I say- I guess I want you to describe it to me....
He replied: Sorry....

I then changed the subject and say something along the lines of playing naked twister and just being silly. He responds-Trust me- I rather be playing naked twister with you right now.

We ended up chatting about music and then I fell asleep. Why didn’t he want to sext? It seems lately I’m just a horn dog. Want to know he misses that. But it’s hard to tell. I’m hoping we can see each other soon over Labor Day holiday.
Should I back off on the sexting bit? And let him come to me when he’s horny?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What’s the endgame here @Sue4473. Is this a temporary position for him or is this how life is going to be for the foreseeable future?
I really hate to think you’re seeing this relationship as something that your boyfriend isn’t. He doesn’t appear to be very involved and if you don’t see each other for a month and end up talking about music when you’re up for sexting then he’s either not interested or he’s intentionally holding back because he’s lonely. 
Why can one or the other of you not visit?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Sorry that you have to be separated from the man you love. It is tough to have a long distance love affair. I know this from my own experience.

If he is on a military deployment, cut him some slack. The work our military men do is exhausting, and very often takes a lot of concentration to stay safe.

If he is just working out-of-town, it may mean he still has to concentrate on doing his job, and may also be subject to meeting a strict schedule. Again, you may want to cut him some slack.

A lot of men have a hard time using their words. We are hands on and very visual. Just because some men could tell you in very vivid details what they would do to you in a sexting message, doesn't mean all men have that ability.

I suggest you keep up sending him sexy messages. Keep sending him some sexy pictures of yourself, or even a nice video of you pleasing yourself. I know that would help me to feel closer to you if I were your SO.

So NO, don't back off, in fact, I say you should make sure he knows what he is missing and that you 'want him.'

It might lead to one heck of a homecoming too.!!!.

JMHO.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

We haven’t yet due to work and schedules. I have my son full time and he also moved for new job and to be closer to his kids. Last weekend he had boys over. Their bdays are in August.

he responded with stuff but he due to go into detail. Then apologized. I guess I don’t know why he did that go into detail with sexting. Maybe he’s tired of it?

we obviously had a talk about us and how we saw this going, and we are doing it. We didn’t want to stop seeing one another. We also talked about sex. not sleeping with others etc.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> Sorry that you have to be separated from the man you love. It is tough to have a long distance love affair. I know this from my own experience.
> 
> If he is on a military deployment, cut him some slack. The work our military men do is exhausting, and very often takes a lot of concentration to stay safe.
> 
> ...


That’s a good idea!! I’ll keep sending him “hot” videos lol


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> That’s a good idea!! I’ll keep sending him “hot” videos lol


Perfect.!!!. I know I would love to be on the receiving end.!. Lol.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> Perfect.!!!. I know I would love to be on the recieving end.!. Lol.


Lol we will see if he feels the same! 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Lol we will see if he feels the same! 🤷🏻‍♀️


Well, if you need to run anything by me, you know where you can find me. 😁


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> Hi everyone!
> So me and my guy are still communicating long distance, and things seem pretty good. He’s been gone now a little over a month. We haven’t seen eachother since he left in July. We chat often and talk about our lives, work, kids, etc. he’s getting used to his job more now and the area.
> 
> I think I’ve been missing the physical more lately than him though. We’ve shared sexts and I’ve sent him pics and a video here as of late. But I’m wondering if I’m talking about it too much? Friday night I was feeling a little frisky, so I started to flirt with him.
> ...


You're pushing for too much. What he sent you would have been enough to put many people over the top if they were lying in bed talking with their loved one and had any sort of imagination at all. You don't have to be explicit. He doesn't want to be that explicit. The best parts of sex, for him, are in his mind, not words in a text. Erotic words can be found anywhere and everywhere and have no meaning by themselves. They're just words. 

Listen to his words. He wants to pick you and and haul your butt to the bedroom.

Why? Because he wants to turn on the TV and fall asleep to Jimmy Kimmel? Hell no girl!!! He wants to bleep your brains out. Why does he have to spell it out for you? That comes across as you dictating his thinking about sex. That can build resentment. 

If he wants you to fill in the blanks, then you fill in the blanks. Tell him what you're experiencing, without being quite so explicit. If the only thing that drives you sexually is an actual physical act and not the person behind it, that's not a good way for someone to be thinking. It can't be maintained long-term. You have to keep on-upping the last conversation. 

Relax girl. Even in the movies, the words are fewer and less descriptive. It's what's not said, what's felt, that's key.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Casual Observer-
I’ve never looked at it like that. This one is different in a good way, and I can sabotage the greatest things at times. He does like when I send him pics of me. Whether semi nudity or just sexy ones. I don’t put all sex into words, now that I think of it. It seemed that way and that’s not how o was trying to project it.

I want him to keep wanting me. I tell him all the time I miss just touching his face. And cuddling. Sometimes those are the best times. I felt safe


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

In my opinion when you put yourself out there like you did and he didn’t bite the bait, I would then wait for him to initiate the next sexting. 

This way your protecting yourself, your not coming on too strong, and you are giving him space to allow him to put the effort in himself.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I agree with @Andy1001.

I understand that everyone's tolerance for distance is different, but 3 hours away is nothing. It's just not that far.

I've had a daughter 3 hours away at university, and it wasn't uncommon to drive up to see her for the afternoon, and then drive home before it got dark.

So, I could be completely wrong (I don't know what his job is or what his schedule is like), but, in my opinion, if he wanted to see you, if he missed you, if he was serious about you, he would be driving to see you.

And, if it were me, I'd stop sending the pornography.

I'm not saying this to be unkind or harsh, but because you simply haven't known this man for very long, the sex becomes a form of manipulation to try and keep him hooked and interested.

It's not coming from a place of love with you. You're behaving out of fear. And that's not good _for you_.

And this sort of interaction is not a proper gauge of interest and/or commitment. It might be if you were married, but you're not.

If you take out the sexual component, what foundation do the two of you have? What's real and substantial between you?

You seem to be investing a huge amount of energy. What are you getting in return?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How many kids does he have? What are their ages? How often does he have them? And, did he buy a house, or is he renting?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not everyone finds sexting savory. I just find it awkward. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would gladly sex with you, but there are also plenty who won't take you as seriously because of it.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

minimalME said:


> So, I could be completely wrong (I don't know what his job is or what his schedule is like), but, in my opinion, if he wanted to see you, if he missed you, if he was serious about you, he would be driving to see you.


^^^^^Yep^^^^^


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Casual Observer-
I’ve never looked at it like that. This one is different in a good way, and I can sabotage the greatest things at times. He does like when I send him pics of me. Whether semi nudity or just sexy ones. I don’t put all sex into words, now that I think of it. It seemed that way and that’s not how o was trying to project it.

I want him to keep wanting me. I tell him all the time I miss just touching his face. And cuddling. Sometimes those are the best times. I felt safe


red oak said:


> ^^^^^Yep^^^^^


Ok all- please be gentle. This is hard for me and new.
To answer questions- he’s renting. Has a busy stressful job in education not a teacher.

his kids are teens- 16, 17, 20. Now yes they’re grown, but he is super close and does a lot with them. Very family oriented. His weekends are mostly tied up with work, and visiting kid duty.
Same with me. I may have a bit of flexibility more than him:

I ended up calling him to chat. The convo went there on how it harder to get down here than it sounds. Due to not having time. Now before you say that if I’m important he would make time..., I get it to a point..,

So, I asked him. So is this something that isn’t feasible between us? 
he said I didn’t say it with finality.

we ended up talking about it and will do what we have to. If that means we don’t see each other for awhile then I told him that we have to connect and stay connected- in whatever way that is. Meaning: Skype sex, videos, FaceTime whatever.

any thoughts? I’m trying to be positive


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

red oak said:


> ^^^^^Yep^^^^^


I can tell you... as a single parent, myself... This guy just moved to a new town, new house, new JOB, and maybe has his kids half of the time (waiting for an answer about that). There probably is just enough gas in his tank, so to speak, to keep his life together and functioning right now with so many changes. I think if they want to see each other it could be her who goes to him, given the upheaval he's just gone through.

And I'll share this, as well. As a single parent who works full time and owns a home...when my kids were younger, there was just about enough of me to do a really good job at work...and on the home front keep it all running for myself and the kids, all by myself: grocery shop, cook, clean, laundry, bills/finances, keep up with home and yard maintenance, homework, extracurriculars, and being a present, loving and involved mom. Is someone suggested I should also jump in my car and make a 3 hour trip _each way_ if I were really interested in a man, haaaa! The posters who are suggesting this, I will ask you: how long have YOU been a single parent for?!?????????????????????


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I can tell you... as a single parent, myself... This guy just moved to a new town, new house, new JOB, and maybe has his kids half of the time (waiting for an answer about that). There probably is just enough gas in his tank, so to speak, to keep his life together and functioning right now with so many changes. I think if they want to see each other it could be her who goes to him, given the upheaval he's just gone through.
> 
> And I'll share this, as well. As a single parent who works full time and owns a home...when my kids were younger, there was just about enough of me to do a really good job at work...and on the home front keep it all running for myself and the kids, all by myself: grocery shop, cook, clean, laundry, bills/finances, keep up with home and yard maintenance, homework, extracurriculars, and being a present, loving and involved mom. Is someone suggested I should also jump in my car and make a 3 hour trip _each way_ if I were really interested in a man, haaaa! The posters who are suggesting this, I will ask you: how long have YOU been a single parent for?!?????????????????????


I was of the understanding he moved to be closer to his kids not have custody. 
I’m probably not the best one to comment on it. 

I have driven 24 hrs straight just to have a few hours with my wife when we were seeing each other. 

Every situation and person is different. Just seems odd that weekends would be taken up completely by kids who are at the age of dating and wantIng and spend time with their friends.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

That's a lot of question marks. 😂

I prefaced what I wrote by saying that everyone is different. We all have our preferences and our limits.

My main concern with @Sue4473 is that she seems to be doing all the work. She's the one initiating, she's making suggestions, she's the one worried, etc.

If this man can't give direct, clear answers as to what he wants and where they stand, then that's a problem - to me.

_So, I asked him. So is this something that isn’t feasible between us? 
he said *I didn’t say it with finality*._

To me, this ^ is BS. "I didn't say that' is not an answer. This is the kind of thing men say to keep you around, because it suits them - not because they care.



Livvie said:


> The posters who are suggesting this, I will ask you: how long have YOU been a single parent for?!?????????????????????


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I can tell you... as a single parent, myself... This guy just moved to a new town, new house, new JOB, and maybe has his kids half of the time (waiting for an answer about that). There probably is just enough gas in his tank, so to speak, to keep his life together and functioning right now with so many changes. I think if they want to see each other it could be her who goes to him, given the upheaval he's just gone through.
> 
> And I'll share this, as well. As a single parent who works full time and owns a home...when my kids were younger, there was just about enough of me to do a really good job at work...and on the home front keep it all running for myself and the kids, all by myself: grocery shop, cook, clean, laundry, bills/finances, keep up with home and yard maintenance, homework, extracurriculars, and being a present, loving and involved mom. Is someone suggested I should also jump in my car and make a 3 hour trip _each way_ if I were really interested in a man, haaaa! The posters who are suggesting this, I will ask you: how long have YOU been a single parent for?!?????????????????????


@Livvie- yes his kids are older but he’s very involved in their xtra activities. They spend the night with him due to him being so close. I don’t think they do any kind of custody... due to their ages. Plus, his oldest is married and he visits him often as well. He has 3 kids.

We both are busy. I get that there’s no guarantee and this may NOT work. But I have to give it a shot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My take on your relationships — not just this one — is that you tend to be too analytical or too anxious or too something. Relax. Breathe.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You seem to be coming on strong. I would pull back a little bit and make sure his efforts somewhat match yours. 
I know you want it to work, but YOU can’t make it work. You both need to make it work. Plus, when someone throws themselves at you, it’s easy to take advantage of them. It de values them.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> My take on your relationships — not just this one — is that you tend to be too analytical or too anxious or too something. Relax. Breathe.


Glad you responded! Those 2 words I need to live by: Relax and Breathe!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Glad you responded! Those 2 words I need to live by: Relax and Breathe!


You deserve good things. Make sure you get them.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You deserve good things. Make sure you get them.


Thank you so much! We chatted a bit before bed. He showed me what he cooked for dinner, and I showed him my pantry I organized lol! It might seem weird, but I enjoy it. I’m going to here on out- try and go with the flow.... who knows what will happen.
I appreciate your words.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When my husband was traveling a lot for work, we found things to do that were fun. For example we'd look for erotic poems or stories and read them to each other. It was fun and shall I say inspirational. 

15 Ways To Maintain Your Sex Life From Afar


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

minimalME said:


> ...And, if it were me, I'd stop sending the pornography...


I think established couples sending sexts, pics or videos of themselves privately is not fairly captured by the term pornography. That's a harsh representation of what she is doing.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I disagree.

Have you ever been to a porn site? There are entire sections devoted to amateur/home/real pornography.

And, sorry, but these two are not an 'established couple'. They're doing the modern thing, which is to have sex first and sort out the rest later. They have very little history.

You'd think people would be hesitant considering that once you push send,_ you have no control over what someone else does with your images and videos_.

You're fooling yourself to assume you have any true privacy with this sort of activity. Not to mention if he gets pissed off at her at some point and decides to put any of it online. Or maybe he'll just share it with his friends?

It is pornography, and I'm not creating a new vocabulary so that others feel more comfortable with their behavior/choices.



Mylehigh said:


> I think established couples sending sexts, pics or videos of themselves privately is not fairly captured by the term pornography. That's a harsh representation of what she is doing.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

minimalME said:


> I disagree.
> 
> Have you ever been to a porn site? There are entire sections devoted to amateur/home/real pornography.
> 
> ...


I don't interpret the definition of "pornography" the same as you. That doesn't mean that a new vocabulary is being created. Erotica has been in the vocabulary for a very long time.









Pornography | sociology


Pornography, representation of sexual behaviour in books, pictures, statues, motion pictures, and other media that is intended to cause sexual excitement. The distinction between pornography (illicit and condemned material) and erotica (which is broadly tolerated) is largely subjective and reflects



www.britannica.com




.

I do agree with your concern about privacy with someone that you don't trust, though.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Which is fine, but those two words are synonymous.



attheend02 said:


> *I don't interpret the definition of "pornography" the same as you. * That doesn't mean that a new vocabulary is being created. Erotica has been in the vocabulary for a very long time.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Which is fine, but those two words are synonymous.


To clarify- I don’t do pornography. I do trust him. Until he does something to change that- I trust him. We’ve known eachother for a couple of years now. Just last year we slowly started to get close, date etc.

But I agree with you on being careful with certain pics. You do have to know the person, character etc.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Hi everyone!
> So me and my guy are still communicating long distance, and things seem pretty good. He’s been gone now a little over a month. We haven’t seen eachother since he left in July. We chat often and talk about our lives, work, kids, etc. he’s getting used to his job more now and the area.
> 
> I think I’ve been missing the physical more lately than him though. We’ve shared sexts and I’ve sent him pics and a video here as of late. But I’m wondering if I’m talking about it too much? Friday night I was feeling a little frisky, so I started to flirt with him.
> ...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> To clarify- I don’t do pornography. I do trust him. Until he does something to change that- I trust him. We’ve known eachother for a couple of years now. Just last year we slowly started to get close, date etc.
> 
> But I agree with you on being careful with certain pics. You do have to know the person, character etc.


This might be a weird question, but is your face in any of these pics/vids?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> This might be a weird question, but is your face in any of these pics/vids?


Some. Not all


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Some. Not all


Please leave your face out of them from here on out.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In reality, kindly, this relationship is too new and not itrw not physically that deep sooooo.., if you feel sick because he is keeping his distance you need to work on yourself and not putting so much of your well being emotionally on this guy, this relationship. 

It's not a healthy nor sustainable approach to relationships.

Hang in there!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> We’ve known each other for a couple of years now. Just last year we* slowly started to get close*, date etc.


This is interesting because it's not in line with the narrative here, or at least how I've read it. It may have seemed slow to you, but from his perspective? Also curious, was there a "trigger" that changed things from knowing this guy to something more?



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In reality, kindly, this relationship is too new and not itrw not physically that deep sooooo.., if you feel sick because he is keeping his distance you need to work on yourself and not putting so much of your well being emotionally on this guy, this relationship.
> 
> It's not a healthy nor sustainable approach to relationships.
> 
> Hang in there!


It's tough to develop a long-lasting organic relationship when you're pretty anxious, and @Sue4473 often defines the term "anxious" and perhaps impatient. For a lot of people, long term relationships might start with a strong spark but they evolve over time, accelerating like a long freight train. There's time to think about the journey on the way, time to get comfortable, time to adapt, time to figure if this is going to work or not. @Sue4473 is a bit more like a dual-engine Tesla that does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds. When you reach top speed so quickly, you forget that life can be pretty comfortable and fun in the middle ranges. Keeping a relationship floored from beginning to end is pretty tough... it's normal to have peaks and valleys and it's normal to need a bit of time now and then to reflect.

To @Sue4473 It's possible that the long-distance aspect of this relationship is a problem because it's so tough to think about slowing things down when you get to spend so little time together and there's a strong sexual component that says you can't waste time, sex is something that can't (well...) be done over the phone, and if you spent time with him and didn't have sex you'd wonder if something was wrong. Hey, I get that, I'm insecure about stuff like that too. I totally get that, even though I've been married for 41 years. But, we need to live life not just in the moment but for the time ahead as well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One thing for sure is the guy, with this slowly developing over 2 yrs, is he hasn't stopped putting himself out there, seeing other women if he has the opportunity. 

If only slowly getting closer over the last year of these two yrs; he's not being exclusive and shouldn't be expected to be or thought of as well he should be, exclusive.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yes the Tesla comment is me exactly. I’m a hot mess at times. 
we haven’t been doing this solely for 2 years. We were friends worked for the same Job. The timing was off for both of us when we first got together. TBH we were just hookup buddies. We parted ways but I felt there’s was more to explore, but we never got that far.

We re connected the second time. I dated someone-he as well. We slowed down and realized we had lots in common, and it wasn’t just the physical aspect of it. We connected mentally and intellectually too!
We were exclusive no doubt when we were seeing one another. We had a talk before he left ( moved) discussed if this was something we wanted to keep going and see if we grow more. Also discussed not sleeping with others.
During COVID he was stuck up where he is now, and I didn’t see him for 2 months. Lot of sexts, pics etc 

This past Sunday is when he mentioned that coming to visit is harder that it sounds. He has 3 teens and 2 had bdays this month. I get freaked out easily and said you never coming?
He stated that he didn’t mean that with finality. I took that as ok just can’t find the time right now.

He does have female friends and he does add them on Facebook 
I have trust issues from abuse and previous history in marriage.

Do I need my head examined? LOL


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

To me, this just sounds like hard work with no end in sight. Only you can decide if it's worth it though.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

lj2932 said:


> To me, this just sounds like hard work with no end in sight. Only you can decide if it's worth it though.


Just curious: 
Why do you think that?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You didn't ask me, but I'll answer. _3 hours apart_, busy lives, both of you with kids, no hugely intense and secure base of a shared life before he moved, no plans that you know you want to be forever life partners and a plan in place to make that happen... this thing is going to fizzle out sooner than later.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It can easily work If they BOTH really wanted it to work. I haven’t heard anything from his actions that shows he wants it to work. Just his words.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You didn't ask me, but I'll answer. _3 hours apart_, busy lives, both of you with kids, no hugely intense and secure base of a shared life before he moved, no plans that you know you want to be forever life partners and a plan in place to make that happen... this thing is going to fizzle out sooner than later.


It’s actually 2 hours 15 min. 
it’s too soon to make a plan. And most people have kids at our age. 
so all I can do is give it a shot


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> It can easily work If they BOTH really wanted it to work. I haven’t heard anything from his actions that shows he wants it to work. Just his words.


True if both want it. It can anything is possible. The only thing he’s shown has been consistent communication. That’s important too. It’s just been a month, so I’ll give it little more time and see if he steps it up and visits.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> True if both want it. It can anything is possible. The only thing he’s shown has been consistent communication. That’s important too. It’s just been a month, so I’ll give it little more time and see if he steps it up and visits.


A month!?!? Oh my god girl your fine! I was thinking this was going on much longer than that! I hope that you guys can find some time together soon though!


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You didn't ask me, but I'll answer. _3 hours apart_, busy lives, both of you with kids, no hugely intense and secure base of a shared life before he moved, no plans that you know you want to be forever life partners and a plan in place to make that happen... this thing is going to fizzle out sooner than later.


Yeah pretty much this. I'm not sure how easy it is, ultimately, to build the intimacy of a relationship like this. (I don't mean sex.)

It wouldn't be for me but then I am not you. I wish you luck though; not saying it's impossible.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> A month!?!? Oh my god girl your fine! I was thinking this was going on much longer than that! I hope that you guys can find some time together soon though!


Me too!! Thank you!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

lj2932 said:


> Yeah pretty much this. I'm not sure how easy it is, ultimately, to build the intimacy of a relationship like this. (I don't mean sex.)
> 
> It wouldn't be for me but then I am not you. I wish you luck though; not saying it's impossible.


Thank you. I appreciate that!


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