# I don't have the energy to be the man my wife deserves



## Guy11 (Jun 17, 2017)

The image I've had in my head of how I've impacted my wife's life is this:

I was fortunate enough to find a beautiful exotic bird and I captured her and now she is in the bird cage floundering, desperately fluttering for freedom and I'm too scared of being alone to do the right thing and let her be free.

This kills me nearly as much as the idea of not having her in my life. I'm not enough for her. She deserves so much better than me. I'm delusional, I think that one day I'll do something great and be worthy of her. The truth is I'll never be what she deserves. I barely have the energy to be a normal contributor to society. I definitely don't have the energy to be a good husband. You can't achieve anything great if you don't have the ability to do the things that matter first.

Every month I rally and sink. I feel oppressed by this world which is ridiculous because we have it so good compared to the past. I've never lived up to my potential despite always having the best intentions. All round I'm a failure. A weak pathetic excuse of a man. I lack the ability to be serious. I'm unmotivated. I'm a terrible burden to all the people I love most. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn't around anymore. I'm so tired of being tired! I find myself getting angry at silly things. I can't follow the news without getting worked up on a daily basis. And worst of all I don't have the strength to be able to converse with ANYONE about it. I don't deal with emotions well. Emotional conversations tend to make me shut down and withdraw. I can't even talk to psychologists or psychiatrists. I was raised to be strong, to be hard even. Not by my parents but by my community. By being strong and hard, I feel weak and cold. I think I'm strong but I don't even have the strength to talk about my feelings with my wife or a trained professional. 

If there is anyone out there who has felt this way and has overcome it, please, I need hope. I just need help. I read comments on this forum and in other places like learne to like and love yourself, that's not helpful, how the hell do you love yourself? I'm not sure I woukd even like me if I meet me. I don't think I would like myself! I don't even measure up to my own standards which makes me a hypocrite. I saw a counsellor once who gave me grief advice, he said I need to remember this metaphor. He once saw the ruins of a burnt down jewellery store and street children were picking through the remains to find the melted gold. He said that even in a disaster you can find treasures. Does anyone find that helpful? I was thinking, thanks guy, my dads dead and your telling me I should look on the bright side?

I really hope there are people out there who can give me some good advice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Guy11 said:


> The image I've had in my head of how I've impacted my wife's life is this:
> 
> I was fortunate enough to find a beautiful exotic bird and I captured her and now she is in the bird cage floundering, desperately fluttering for freedom and I'm too scared of being alone to do the right thing and let her be free.
> 
> ...


You sound depressed my friend and you need to go to a doctor and get some help.
Has your wife intimated that she wants to leave or is this all in your head.
Even a short course of antidepressants would probably help you.Go and see a doctor and be completely honest with him about how you are feeling.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Guy11,

I think you do need professional help, more thatn you can get on an anonymous forum though some will be along to help I am sure.

We all have terrible ups and downs and sometimes in personal life or work life feel that we are not quite up to it and someone will find us out eventually.

With regards to your wife, you must have done something right to catch her in the first place, she must have seen some qualities in you worthy of her love and attention. Stop being so hard on yourself. Your wife probably feels the lack of intimacy as you are not opening up to her. She may think it is because of her. If you do not risk being vulnerable, nothing can change. Open up to her tell her how you are.

If you have lost your Dad that is compounding your feelings, you cannot run away from grief, you have to go through it. It will get better with time.
Please go back to you counselor, open up to them and then talk with your wife, she will probably be more than glad to shoulder the burden with you. Being married to a closed off man is no fun.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Guy11

You are clearly clinically depressed. You will not be able to love yourself, or fix this until you have lifted the depression. You cannot just muscle your way out of depression.

The only way to life the depression is for you to go see a doctor. You do not need to see a psychiatrist right now, just your general practitioner. Basically tell him what you have said here.

It will take a few weeks for the meds to work.

Then once the meds have lifted the cloud of depression you can start addressing the other issues. 

I really feel for you man. The depression is so think I can see the cloud from here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you need is to find a good personal therapist and start going every week.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Guy11 said:


> The image I've had in my head of how I've impacted my wife's life is this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




What makes you think that you don't deserve her? How long have you 2 been together? Are you satisfied with your career? 

I completely agree with the others that have commented advising you see your practitioner. Do not feel weak because of this. Depression can be very serious. I do agree with the metaphor that you mentioned. However while depressed you will not be able to find the pieces of melted gold. They're in there man. You can over come this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Early in my youth, I felt the same way. I let things in my life that needed fixing pile up around me until I felt suffocated and overwhelmed by the hole I dug.

I agree with other get help for the depression and remember that the hole you dug was done one shovel full at a time. You may not be able to overcome it all at once. Pick one thing that seems doable and work on that, after 5-7 weeks of effort it will become easier and second nature to solve. Use this victory to conquer another problem and so on. One battle at a time.

To this day when I start feeling the anxiety and depression come knocking I know there is something in my life that I’m neglecting.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Eat chocolate.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here's the thing, when you look at other people and you think they got it together, YOUR WRONG. Most people are probably more messed up than you will ever be. Just listened to s Joyce Meyer sermon while washing dishes tonight about how a prophet did mighty works one day and the next was crying out to God in fear and desperation. We all have good days & bad, but we need to learn to rely on God.

We can't control the world, heck, some days I can't control myself. And, I expect too much out of myself. My wife would tell you that I get frustrated when I can't get the roof redone in a single day. 

As others have said, a therapist may help, or is there a older person in your life you respect? Spend some time floating on a boat watching a bobber float while discussing life. Stay off the booze & drugs, and what I have learned is a lot of the time - It's darkest right before things get a lot better!


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

What's wrong with you, are you in jail or did you commit a serious crime? Are you related to Charles Manson? Are you Kim Jong Un?

Stop being so hard on yourself man. Everyone has flaws, even that exotic bird you describe as your wife.


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