# slow process



## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I don't post often but mainly read threads and post replies. It does help to see others going through similar feelings. I am just having a sad moment. It's been just over a year of sep, going through the divorce process. I initiated it all but yet I feel this deep sense of loss. No chance of R, I won't go down that path again. I tried to fix the marriage while in it but it takes two to work on it. I just hate this feeling. the feeling that i failed, that i'm going to never find someone again (how do u even meet others when u start to date again?). I did date a couple of guys but realized it was too soon, didn't feel right and my emotions were all over the place. I was numb for awhile, thought i had dealt with it all and thought i was moving on but since the year of sep. came up and the impending divorce proceedings it's like i'm back at square one. 
i know it's a grieving process but i'm tired of being in it. there are times when i don't even want to get out of bed but i push myself to go to work and move on with my day. i don't feel happy though and i don't know who i am. i found a counsellor so i'm going to start that soon and i'm hoping it will help cause what i have been doing in the mean time really hasn't gotten me very far. 

i'm just feeling tired of feeling this way and just want to get this divorce over with to move on, gain some closure. there are things that were never dealt with as well. An EA that was denied but i found out about and then i was gas lighted to think that it was just for support during rough times. i let it go but i never really got the real reason, just the excuse. i probably will never get a real reason. i have no idea if it went to a PA either and probably will never know. Then the rejection of needing some space and asking for a sep. to sort out how i was feeling (hoping that it would wake him up) only to have him start trying to get with someone else. At that point i knew that was it, i was done. 

sorry for the rambling i haven't really told much about my story but just sharing a bit so u can maybe understand how i feel.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

The good news is the sad days get farther and farther apart. There is no explanation for any of it, the leavers leave. You don't need a reason, you just need acceptance. And remember, its not a reflection of you, its a reflection of them. Let him go


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## MOMMY2ONE (Mar 6, 2012)

I know exactly what ur goin thru it's hard to express your feelings when someone you love tears ur whole world upside down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MOMMY2ONE (Mar 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I think that's my issue. I feel stuck like i can't move on. I'm assuming 
It's because I don't have all the answers. I'm a type a personality
So I like to know why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

1dayatatime said:


> It does help to see others going through similar feelings. I am just having a sad moment. I feel this deep sense of loss. I just hate this feeling. the feeling that i failed, that i'm going to never find someone again (how do u even meet others when u start to date again?).
> i know it's a grieving process but i'm tired of being in it. there are times when i don't even want to get out of bed but i push myself to go to work and move on with my day. i don't feel happy though and i don't know who i am. i found a counsellor so i'm going to start that soon and i'm hoping it will help cause what i have been doing in the mean time really hasn't gotten me very far.


Siiiigh, yup. Right there with you. Just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep the pain away. Such feelings of loss, pain, hurt, guilrt, shame, failure, longing, despair. I hate this. I want to turn back time to fix it all but I know I can't.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I understand the emotions and feelings expressed here. Sometimes, they change moment to moment. I don't know what to say, other than, to live in the moment. You can't change the past, nor can you predict the future. Just exist moment to moment and healing will occur; or so I'm told.


I'm not at your point yet. My wife and I are in a holding period during divorce proceedings (which I mistakenly filed), attending marriage counseling, while she told me that she is over us and that there is a very, very small chance she will restore our marriage.

My story is more of the walk-away-wife syndrome. No history of fighting, EA's, addictions, etc. More so of growing apart and living as roommates/friends, rasing our 2 children.

It hurts hearing that my wife wants to be friends after a divorce (due to co-parenting), yet not accepting my work or our work in somehow improving our relationship.

So, my emotions rage. It's hard to make decisions in this state.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I'm not at your point yet. My wife and I are in a holding period during divorce proceedings (which I mistakenly filed), attending marriage counseling, while she told me that she is over us and that there is a very, very small chance she will restore our marriage.
> 
> My story is more of the walk-away-wife syndrome. No history of fighting, EA's, addictions, etc. More so of growing apart and living as roommates/friends, rasing our 2 children.
> 
> ...


I'm in a similar situation, but without the kids and divorce. My stbxw did not feel "happy", and we did grow apart, having very little sex, and living more like roommates and friends than a married couple. Of course, it's much more complicated than that. She did not want to be part of the solution and work things, and in hindsight she made her decision long before she left. 

An amazing summer gave us a glimpse of what we could have (everything was back and it was great) but it seems it wasn't enough. Her career and perpetual need for the next high/praise/recognition was more important than a loving, caring, and supportive husband. Her call, her loss.

Odd thing is that she's been living out of our house since January 1st. As recently as last week, she is still not sure it's over and it undecided. Looks like she sees me as an option, and her actions are saying what she cannot speak - I mean at this point, how in the heck can she still be wondering? As for me, I'm doing my best to move forward, a process which has its own ups and downs.

I wish you the very best in your journey through this difficult time.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> I'm in a similar situation, but without the kids and divorce. My stbxw did not feel "happy", and we did grow apart, having very little sex, and living more like roommates and friends than a married couple. Of course, it's much more complicated than that. She did not want to be part of the solution and work things, and in hindsight she made her decision long before she left.
> 
> An amazing summer gave us a glimpse of what we could have (everything was back and it was great) but it seems it wasn't enough. Her career and perpetual need for the next high/praise/recognition was more important than a loving, caring, and supportive husband. Her call, her loss.
> 
> ...



Yep, similar, although a huge difference is I have small children. I resent my wife stating how great a father I am and how well the children have adjusted, because I think she diminishes the impact on them, e.g. divorcing will not be so traumatic to them afterall, because we will remain friends. However, earlier in our separation, there were times when I had to hold them while we all cried, them begging me to "come home."

Now, my wife's biggest fear (understandable, yet irrational) is that if we are reconciled, if I do move back, if things are restored and great for a year, that something may happen where we will be back to where we are now.

The question for us is how long can we tolerate being in limbo. We may think and say forever. But, really? At some point, isn't it fair for both for a decision to be made and followed through with?


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Now, my wife's biggest fear (understandable, yet irrational) is that if we are reconciled, if I do move back, if things are restored and great for a year, that something may happen where we will be back to where we are now.
> 
> The question for us is how long can we tolerate being in limbo. We may think and say forever. But, really? At some point, isn't it fair for both for a decision to be made and followed through with?


My stbxw had that fear. Before she moved out she said it would "be too easy to stay" and was afraid things would just fall apart later, but this was without even considering getting help from a good marriage counselor. In my view at the time, our marriage was worth saving, and to quote my stbxw, no one knows what the future holds. I do believe that it does take two to make things work, and with good communication, nurturing and respect our marriage could have thrived.

I agree with you about the limbo issue, and have the same question. Right now, I'm not ready to tell her it's over for me just yet, but I am the dumpee. I'm still healing, and am liking what how time and what to DO with the time are helping me adjust. As the weeks go by, I'm that much closer to telling her that's it, I'm done... but just not there yet.

In your case, there's a family to consider. I wish you the best, but we both need to remember should things not work out, life will go on. Took me weeks to getting close to that realisation. But hey... I turned down a date for this Saturday because I wasn't ready to take that step just yet. Sure was a nice sign of what the future holds.


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