# Why do I feel this way?



## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Second post after lurking for a LONG time. Please understand I'm here for help; I find it difficult to write this story, but I would ask that you please understand none of my words are meant to romanticize or inflate the story onto my side. I will tell the story truthfully, but also with an attempt to explain my feelings and thoughts - not rationalize or justify them; just get them out.

A little backstory on what drove all this to light.

Several years ago, I cheated on my wife. We had been married several years, together for several more. Now, I own 100% of my choices and behaviors), it was about a year or so after our second child was born, sex was non-existent, my wife was depressed and sleeping whenever she was home, and I made the choice to go outside the marriage. It was non-romantic, not ongoing - a one-time thing. And it disgusted me - literally. I went to a strip club (intentionally) but wound up cheating while there. It was not full on sex, and I can honestly say I don't believe I went there to do that, but obviously the possibility was in my mind, and I had so many opportunities to leave.

After about 3 - 4 days of no sleeping/eating because I was so embarrassed by what I had done, I confessed what I did to my wife. We cried, we talked, but ultimately, basically rug swept the whole thing, went through hysterical bonding, all the stuff that can happen after an event like that. I promised never to cheat again.

And I have stuck to that - steadfastly. I have never cheated again and am 100% confident I could never do it again. I grew up a cheater. I cheated on girlfriends all my life. I cheated on tests. I always found the "easier" route rather than doing the work needed to actually get it done.

There have been absolutely ZERO additional instances of cheating, but over time, the shame of my actions led to me confessing other poor behaviors and boundaries. There were several, including one other instance of cheating that occurred 7 or 8 years ago (at the time) with a "first love" in my home town while I was home on a business trip. 

Ultimately, I confessed to my wife EVERYTHING I had ever thought I did wrong, all the way back to when I was 12 years old - decades before I had met her. I couldn't keep any more secrets. I even told my parents things I had done that they had always known about. I apologized to my sisters for slights against them, I apologized to friends and family for being an ass, etc. 

In short, it seems as though this incident, horrible as it was, led me to truly lead an honest and authentic life.

And while I 100% regret the actions that brought me here, it feels good to be in a place of true honesty. 

Thus ends the backstory.

Here is why I am here.

For some reason (and I honestly, truthfully do not know why), every so often, my mind triggers on not so much the things I've done, but the _possible_ reasons behind them.

And my mind keeps coming back to My relationship with my wife, and it's almost as if it's whispering "you don't love your wife". "you don't want to be with her". "You want a divorce" and other things like that.

When on a conscious level, those things are not true! I do love my wife. I love my children (two boys, 6 and 7 who tell me frequently they love me and I'm "the best daddy ever". I love our family and the things we've built together. I love our history (most of it) and the things we've shared.

But it almost seems my brain seems to go to dark places at random times when it comes to my marriage. My wife has changed. She's depressed because she hates her job. She's no longer the dancer/cheerleader performer that she once was. Her body has changed (to be expected of course after 2 children).

But for some reason, my mind interprets EVERY negative thing as "you don't love her", or "you should not be with her". 

If I seen an ounce of fat. It means "you aren't attracted to her > you shouldn't be with her > you don't love her > you should divorce". 

If I don't laugh at her jokes, "she's not funny > you shouldn't be with her > you don't love her > you should divorce".


To be 100% clear, I do not want anyone else. I look at other people, and while it causes me slight anxiety to even admit it, yes, other people can be attractive (of course).

I have tried envisioning the life I would live if I left, and it breaks my heart. It involves me sitting alone somewhere. I don't want my wife to love someone else, I don't want my kids being raised by another man. I don't want there to be an empty seat at a dinner table where I should be.

I WANT what I have, but I cannot get rid of the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. They just circle and circle and cause more and more anxiety.

The reason this is in the "divorce" section of the forums, is because it seems to center solely around my relationship with my wife. It's nothing else. I love my kids, I love her family, I love her. There are things I'm working on being more accepting of instead of changing, but I love her as a person and I want her happy.

Parts of me can't help but wonder "would it be easier for her if I left", "am I subconsciously trying to drive her away", etc., and it just makes it worse.

I want a whole family. I grew up in a whole family. I had great examples of what love can be. I am working on moving past the hollywood and hallmark ideas of love and marriage to see what it really is - a choice to be there, every day, for someone else and when needed, sacrifice your needs for theirs.

I just need help with these intrusive thoughts.

Has anyone else every been in this situation? What makes it the worst, is knowing that even after breaking my wife's heart by cheating, she still has to put up with this ongoing anxiety of whether or not I'll leave.

She doesn't deserve this, and I am sure there will be those that think I don't deserve her (which I most of the time think I don't), but I would ask for compassion (honesty, but compassion) in your comments. 

I need help, and I'm willing to do almost anything, short of giving up.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Oh my, sorry you are here friend. Let me be blunt. it appears your think is, well disordered. Have you spoken to your doctor about these thought patterns you are experiencing?


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

I am engaging new therapists as we speak.

The problem is I go to counseling, talk things through, things start to get better, counseling stops, and then it comes back again.

Which only leads my "damaged" brain to the same place:

"Why would these thoughts keep coming back if..."

And again, I don't want to make any of this come off as "oh poor me", because it was MY actions that led me (and us) to this place. I recognize that.

But I want so very badly to be a happy and healthy person again. I just don't know how.

There's a new guy I just engaged about anxiety counseling who seems solid. He mentioned "that we're not a good fit if I am looking for feelings to go away, because that's not the biological nature of feelings, and it contradicts what he believes about feelings at a core level".

That sounds promising.

I am so broken. My birthday was yesterday and as I laid in bed (traveling for work but home now) reading the messages I just broke down crying, feeling like I don't deserve it.

I'm a mess.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I think you need a good cognitive behavioral therapist. They don't ignore feelings, they help you think about the meanings you assign to them.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

May I ask, do you have any type of faith? Like follow any particular spiritual path?


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Thank you Rose.

Do you know a good lamens-type explanation of the different types of therapy? I know several of the therapists I went to before were CBT based. And to be fair, they did help, but it was more of a sounding board. Someone to talk with, but no real tools were given for managing this.

This goes back to the "taking the easier way" comment from my first post. I seem to be looking for some "magic pill" to be better. I want to do the work to be better, but I don't know what that work needs to be.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Deidre,

I consider myself spiritual, but I do not follow any particular faith. I do go to Church occasionally (Christian), and, typical of many like me, I pray it seems only when I need something.

My wife is not religious and is uncomfortable going to church, so I don't often go. I feel better sometimes when I do go, but I don't go all the time.

I believe there is something greater than all of us out there, but I cannot subscribe fully to the god represented in the bible. Too much I can't understand.

I'm afraid to give myself over to god, for several reasons. One being that I am afraid my life as it exists would change too much, and two because since my wife is not religious, it would cause more of a rift between us. She enjoys some of the messages from the church, but finds it incredibly hypocritical that churches preach "god created everything" "god wants you to be stewards of his kingdom" but in reality it's really the churches that need money, etc.

Long story short - she's spiritual, but doesn't believe in an organized religion. I would say I am similar in that regard, but I would also say I'm somewhat more open minded than her.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi AH, it can be very hard to find a good therapist. A strong CBT-based therapist should be able to help you detach a bit from your thoughts and feelings, instead of reacting or getting stuck in them. This way you can observe them and get the power to make some observations and choices, rather than being ruled by them. 

A strong CBT would not be much of a sounding-board. They tend to be more action-oriented. I am watching a good friend who was crippled with anxiety- had a hard time even leaving her house- get much better due to her new therapist. She saw three or four therapists before she found the current one. He's made a huge difference for her.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Thanks Rose. I'll definitely bring that up when I get in with whomever seems to be the best fit.

One of the things I like about this guy is that he recognizes and acknowledges that therapy should be more like routine maintenance, rather than treating it as a check engine light. It's something that needs to be done not necessarily on a regular basis, but as needed.

There is far too much stigma around mental health and support in America. I've always had good experiences with it.

Although there are only a few replies, I feel compelled to say thank you to each of you for listening, not judging, and being kind. I had a minor anxiety attack just typing my thread as I envisioned the inevitable "dude just leave her" comments that may still come, but that's not what I want.

So thank you for being kind to a person you don't know. It means more than I can convey on a message board.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AmbiguousHusband said:


> Hi Deidre,
> 
> I consider myself spiritual, but I do not follow any particular faith. I do go to Church occasionally (Christian), and, typical of many like me, I pray it seems only when I need something.
> 
> ...


Hello 

I understand, and I was an atheist for a time, and during that time, I explored Buddhism. I eventually came back to Christianity last year, but if I could offer some advice that might help you in a deeper way, is perhaps try meditating? Maybe buy a book on meditating with a purpose, as it really REALLY helps one become centered, and while the same secular issues may still exist in your life, when we become centered...we cope with them better. You might want to try something like that, it can be life changing. And you don't need to subscribe to believing in a deity, etc in order to open your heart to some of the Buddhist teachings. I still meditate, and I'm Christian, my faith and relationship in Christ is what keeps me centered, but your path and everyone's is different. I just wanted to offer that, as sometimes getting in touch with your own thoughts through meditation can be very therapeutic. You might try yoga too.  (you both could take a class together like twice per month? it would be fun)


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Deidre,

Thank you so much. That is a great idea. I will definitely try that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It almost sounds a little OCD. Have you been evaluated for OCD?

As others have said, see a professional. I think maybe start off with a psychiatrist and see if there are undiagnosed mental health issues. If so, perhaps a combination of medication and therapy would help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

We all have some of the thoughts you're describing, at least I have. But they shouldn't be every day.
I'm thinking you may have some kind of depression, or anxiety thing going on. I'm not a doctor, but I think you should see one. NOT a therapist, a DOCTOR. What your'e experiencing is too far toward one end of the spectrum I think.
Good luck,
JBJ


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

MJJean,

There is no history in my family of this type of activity, but I 100% acknowledge that it could be possible.

I've always jokingly described myself as OCD in terms of things needing to be in order, needing to be clean, etc., but it never interfered with my life like it does now. I went to Google (of course, huge mistake) and the symptoms are definitely there. 

My question though, is would a Psychologist or Psychiatrist be better to diagnose this? I know the latter can prescribe meds, but for a full diagnosis I would have thought a psychologist would be better.

For what it's worth, one of my first guys, (who wasn't very helpful about my present but was great about my past) definitely saw tendencies of OCD and potential PTSD. I am not a soldier or anything, but from the level of anxiety and distress and panic I was feeling, he said the trauma I endured (again, of my own making) could have led to it.

Once again. I'm a mess.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

@ Evinrude58, 

They're not every day - in fact, besides this week, I had gone I would say months without having an episode. Then the other night, my wife and I were intimate. Everything was fine there - in fact better than it had been recently! 

Afterwards, my 5 year old came in complaining of being sick. As I got up to calm him down and put him back to bed, I had a quick panic attack. I don't even remember what drifted into my head to cause it. Nothing in particular. Then that one passed. 

The next evening I left straight from work for a work trip. I had been in this place before, but this time the anxiety came on hard (panic attack) and didn't let up.

There was no inappropriate behavior, no close calls, nothing. There was nothing to trigger me - and yet something popped into my head and it wouldn't leave. Today I am calmer, but it's still there.

It's REALLY weird. Sometimes I go months (like recently) without an attack, and then sometimes it can be day by day, and then sometimes it even gets down to minute by minute. One minute I can calm my mind, step out of myself and say "of course these thoughts are ridiculous. Yes, your relationship and marriage has changed and yes it will never be the same, but of course you still ove her and want to be with her" then the next minute the "what ifs" start and that peaks the anxiety.

It never ends!


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Also, regarding medication, I was on Sertraline (generic Prozac I believe) for a while and also Alprazolam (xanax) for panic attacks.

I have been off both for some time. The Sertraline helped to a point, but made me feel so flat about everything - it was as if I had no emotions at all. AND, it led to a bit of sexual dysfunction, which of course, given my brain, causes more anxiety and panic (Can't get it up/keep it up > you don't want her anymore).

While I definitely don't like taking drugs, I'd be willing to if needed to level out. Maybe I just didn't have the right one or the right dose.

Alprazolam is great stuff for anxiety, but puts you to sleep and makes it difficult to focus - and you're not supposed to drive or anything on that one, so I had to stop taking that except when ABSOLUTELY necessary.

It's been a LONG time since I had to take one of those.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi AH. Find a good therapist and figure it out.

I'm just spit ballin' it could be:

- You've always taken the easy way out (your words) and now you're faced with the long hard grind of a marriage and raising kids. Deep down you're afraid and/or very angry with the responsibility and lack of freedom

- Your self esteem is really low and you don't feel you deserve to be happy. So you're going to push away from your marriage, or break your wife's heart to sabotage your happiness.

- Now on top of whatever dark reason caused you to cheat, you've got to deal with guilt, "maybe she'd be better without me?", I doubt that but now you have another dumb, self-inflicted reason to feel blue.

You've said yourself you need help, go get some to help with some introspection.

Until you get that underway, try to add some joy to your life. Get babysitting arranged and date your wife, do lots of fun things together every week. And, go do fun things together as a family. Try to reinforce the bonds with your wife and family so it's your second nature to nurture, want, and protect them, not leave them.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Thanks SnowtoArmPits (great name by the way).

I will take that to heart. Honestly.

The date thing has been hard. Until very recently we've had no family here, so dates were at a minimum and when we went out (even just recently) it seemed so deflating. We're both so tired. I'm exhausted from work and this worry, she's exhausted from work and my worries, etc. The date nights inevitably become about work, kids, etc. Our interests have grown in different directions, but I don't necessarily consider that a bad thing. I haven't been as supportive and excited for her in the things she's found she loves (acting, film, theater, etc.).

Couple that with some minor differences in how we approach things like child raising and what is considered fun, and it becomes difficult. Just this last weekend we went out for a short dinner but we were both so wiped, and sometimes I self-sabotage the situation because I am anxious about how the date will go, which in turn just fuels more anxiety.

Sometimes I worry because our interests are now so different in so many things. I have a job that I LOVE. She hates hers. I like photography, she likes to act (i used to do it, just don't feel like I have time for it anymore). She is a homebody, I like to go out (not party, but outside to play with the kids, off to the zoo, etc.). 

Anyway, none of this is an excuse. Believe I am taking in what you say and will commit to it - just providing more details on why it's been (and continues to be) so difficult.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Finding a good therapist is the best plan of action.

I'm not sure if my story is applicable to your situation but I'd like to share it with you.

I've always had anxiety issues. Racing thoughts, what if senarios, etc. My dr gave me a prescription for Xanax. It works very well. On the days I didn't use it I found myself drinking. I was having problems focusing on work and getting stuff done. I was just stressed out. 

Anyway I said to myself I need to find an answer. I just can't keep chewing Xanax one day and drinking the next. I was searching on the Internet and came across MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) I took an 8 week class last fall. 

It was 2 hours in the evening 1 day a week. The begining of the class was hand outs with discussion and meditation after that. The class had no spiritual (faith or religious) component to it. 

It's helped me. It taught me to catch my racing thoughts and to take a pause. I close my eyes and just breath. The world is not coming to an end. Even if it's for only a minute. Then focus on the task at hand ,,, not on all the things you have to get done or what if senarios.

It's not a magic bullet. I have to work at it but I feel like it's part of a solution to my anxiety vs the medication and drinking was just masking the symptoms. I hope you find peace.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

By the way, there are two things that divorced friends and relatives have said to me regarding the decision they made that REALLY hits home for me. I wanted to share them:

1. You are ready for divorce when you can envision waking up every day without your wife, and you're okay with that
2. You are ready for divorce when the pain of not being able to see your children every day outweighs the pain of seeing your wife
3. You don't WANT to divorce, you just don't see any other end to this pain (my dad)

The reason these hit home (for me) is because none of them are true (except the last one).

1. Do my wife and I cuddle in bed every night and fall asleep with her head on my chest? No. In fact, we have a king bed and tend to sleep on opposite sides for the most part. But it doesn't bother me in the least to wake up to her or next to her.
2. I enjoy seeing my wife every day. There are times she annoys me, times she is completely lazy and it pisses me off to no end, but never does her presence cause me pain in any way. The only pain I feel is my anxiety, which is, I am sure, self-inflicted.

Finally, my dad is right. I do NOT want to divorce. I want a whole family. I want to be happy with my wife. I want my children to have two happy, healthy parents. I want to show them a REAL and true relationship. One that is not perfect, one that is not the Hollywood example, but something they can and should reasonable expect should they get married someday.

May not mean much to anyone - but I wanted to share. It's these kinds of things that give me hope.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Thank you Grogmister. 

I am willing to do anything.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

AH - you're both really busy working and raising your 2 young sons and you're becoming disconnected from each other.

That, and because of your cheating your marriage needs repair work. If you two can't arrange and enjoy a date or dinner out, things aren't good.

Veteran posters here can provide ideas how to do go about fixing things.

Here's my suggestion. I'm in the process of rebuilding a loveless marriage with my wife. Maybe one difference between my situation and yours is my wife and I both decided after a several nasty fights our marriage sucked and we needed to repair it. We both read "What Makes Love Last how to rebuild trust and avoid betrayal", and, "His Needs Her Needs". Both books helped get us unstuck and improving things, particularly the first one. 

What do you think about approaching your wife to read some self help books on marriage, think she'd go for it? We each got our own copy from the library and read them at the same time. 

From your last two posts, it's pretty obvious isn't it that you need to work on your marriage?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AmbiguousHusband said:


> By the way, there are two things that divorced friends and relatives have said to me regarding the decision they made that REALLY hits home for me. I wanted to share them:
> 
> 1. You are ready for divorce when you can envision waking up every day without your wife, and you're okay with that
> 2. You are ready for divorce when the pain of not being able to see your children every day outweighs the pain of seeing your wife
> ...


Those are reasons perhaps to think about in terms of not divorcing, but are those enough to stay married? Idk. I'm not married yet, but while marriage at times requires effort and understanding, and there are ups and downs in all relationships, it seems like some people spend a lot of time trying to find reasons to stay in unhealthy marriages, simply to avoid divorce, or to avoid putting their kids through a divorce. I don't know if kids really do better in a home where they can sense constant tension between mom and dad, more so than seeing mom and dad happy on their own, living separately. I wish you well, but at the end of the day, if your marriage requires endless mental gymnastics to convince yourself why you should stay, is that the life you ultimately want? If you didn't have kids, would you bother with all of these mental gymnastics? Those are also things you should ask yourself.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Snow:

Yes, it's clear we need to work on us. I don't want anything to say be defending the state of things or seeming as though I'm fending off what you're saying. The thing is, it's not a BAD marriage! There are times when it's stale, boring, perhaps, but not bad in any way!

I have read several books on the topics - and I began His Needs Her Needs, but didn't finish it. I will most definitely look for the other one.

With regard to your question of how I feel about approaching my wife about it - I feel a bit nervous, to be honest. While the marriage probably does seem to need some work, I tend to believe most of the issues reside within me, not necessarily within her. I am sure there are things she could learn, but how do you go about approaching someone to fix something they don't think is really wrong? Honest question. I'd be interested to know approaches. My fear is that when I approach her about "improving" or "fixing" things, she'll get defensive being that I tend to bring up the issues.

Deidre:

You raise great points, but I wish to clarify a couple things:

I didn't say it when I posted the first time, but it was my asking these relatives and friends about "what convinced you it was time" during a particularly dark and aggressive panic attack. It was me who actually prompted them with those questions, so I don't want to create the impression I was so miserable people were bringing it up to me.

Honestly, aside from my anxiety, I don't believe there is much tension in the house. My wife and I get along really well most of the time! There is actually very minimal fighting, and when we do argue, it tends to be away from the kids or later at night. They see us hug, kiss, they have never seen us sleep apart (except when travel for work is involved), they hear me tell her I love her (not often enough), and we do things together as a family all the time like go to dinner, tuck them in, read story time, watch movies, etc.

All this to say, I don't think the tension many kids feel exists in our home. I could be very wrong, but again, aside from myself and my anxiety, it's a happy home. 

I will say I wish my wife was better with the kids with her temper - she does tend to fly off the handle (as do I), but the kids don't respond to her like they do to me. 

Anyway, know that I value and appreciate your input. I understand how you came to the conclusion you did, but I don't think it's the right one. It's not an unhappy home - it's just one with a dad and husband that has terrible anxiety.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

AH - you know your marriage better than any of us, I can only offer advice on what you've written... you're describing your marriage as good ... but yet you've been lurking here a long time and have opened a thread on the Considering Divorce or Separation board at TAM. So I'm  and maybe you're  too.

I'm not a marriage counselor and I don't want you to **** up your marriage if it is by and large a good one. You've got 2 kids to worry about, too. Also I lived in a lousy marriage for many years, so it's not like I have a magic bullet.

But I will say this on that last point. I've been a lousy marriage a long time, longer than you've been married. I now have a life time of regrets. You do not want that, you've got your life ahead of you, whatever is bugging you start fixing it.

You've written that you guys have rug swept your affair, you have taken the easy (cheater's) way too many times in your life. I'd guess you and your wife have an understanding not to create ripples now after recovering from your affair. 

You wrote this about your wife: "she still has to put up with this ongoing anxiety of whether or not I'll leave." that can't be fun.

Also, your wife hates her job, no joy there either. 

So there are two things she might be very interested in talking about.

You don't find a way of talking about things, then you've decided you're going to put up with them. I have a feeling you're getting fed up or you wouldn't have started this thread.

From your OP - when my marriage was at its worst, yes I also had all kinds of negative thoughts filling my mind about my wife and my marriage. She's put on weight, I'm way smarter than she is, what the hell did I do marrying her, she made me so mad this time and that time and the other time I can't stand her, if I could go back in time I never would have married her, etc. thoughts like that in spades.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

Thanks Snow.

I appreciate your input - I really do.

But, I want to "argue" back on some things so I am not misrepresenting myself. 

I am not considering divorce - but given that Divorce is where my mind seems to go (no idea why) this seemed like the most logical place to start the discussion, in the hopes that someone who had gone through something similar had some input. Perhaps the Mental Health forum for Anxiety/OCD may have been a better place, in retrospect.

With regard to your comments:

1. My actions are the things that screwed up myself and my marriage, so while I appreciate your comment of "i don't want to *** it up", not your responsibility, but I get it

2. When I say "lurking for a long time" I should clarify - I found this site a long time ago and registered, and then posted one thread and that was it, I honestly haven't been back until now - purely out of this anxiety, so I don't want to create the impression that I have been considering divorce for a long time, I just can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head - but the reason I found these forums and proceeded with registering originally was also out of the anxiety

3. I've been in and out of counseling for my affair - so while I did say we rug swept it, in the sense that we talked some about it on an ongoing basis, we never really did any sort of marital counseling about it, etc. But I have dealt with it a lot in personal counseling.


I want to be crystal clear in what I am talking about here. I WANT my marriage to work. I want to keep my family together. I love my wife, I've recently found myself becoming more attracted to her again, despite her depression. 

I want to be with my children every day, I don't want another man in my life, my children's life, or with my wife. I just cannot seem to get past these intrusive and ruminating thoughts. 

Again, none of this is meant to be defensive in any way - I came here for help and input, and I appreciate each person that takes the time to respond. I just want to try and be as clear as I can with regard to how I feel.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

i want to share with you some thigns that maybe will hit home.

you sound a lot like my X wife. she had much the same "overall unhappiness" you speak of. She basically did destructive things like you looking to "find herself".

to me, i think your situation is very common. In my opinion, it comes from not be grateful or appreciating the good in our lives and seeing the negative ones.

in society today, we are bombarded with positive images, mostly from the perspective of trying to sell you something. People post on facebook all the happy moments in their lives, in a fake attempt to paint a picture of how wonderful their lives our. TV makes commercials and shows portraying idealistic images of how our lives "should be". my X could walk around the mall and see other people there and would say to herself "look how happy or how much more fulfilled that family is"...........

the point is, it's all about understanding everyone has "dirt" in their lives and there is no real peace or content in life if you keep looking for something you don't have. Look at the rich and famous, who have all the money or resources in the world, and many are drug users (how many have died from OD?) or divorced countless times.

i suggest you see a counselor and adjust your perspective to learn to be positive and thankful for what you do have.


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## AmbiguousHusband (Apr 17, 2015)

x598,

Thank you. This is what I've thought too. I am of course very grateful for what I have, but between the romanticized version of what movies/music/Hallmark puts out, combined with the "picture perfect" lives you see of everyone on Facebook, etc., it's hard to not wonder sometimes.

I get that everyone wonders. Even my wife, who I've talked about these topics with ad nauseum has told me (verbatim) that "the thought of divorce crosses my mind at least once a day." But it's not a serious consideration - it's just one of those momentary thoughts that drift in - sort of like when you TRY not think about something and it makes you think about more instead?!

My problem is that I can't handle it when those random (and completely unwarranted) thoughts drift in. For some reason my mind just goes to dark places, and those dark places lead to anxiety and panic. During those times, I think what my dad said applies, which is "you don't really want a divorce or to split up, you just don't see another end to the pain". 

The really crappy thing, is that I will have weeks and MONTHS when this is not an issue AT ALL. No anxiety, no intrusive thoughts.

And then out of nowhere (honestly, no trigger or bad event or anything), the thought will enter my mind, and spike anxiety, and that leads to me searching out any resource I can find for comfort and sometimes reassurance, like this one.

It's vicious. 

I was never one to understand true illness, whether it be depression, anxiety, weight gain, etc. But going through this, I can tell you, it's made me a LOT more tolerant of people in all regards - because you never know what someone is going through.


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## Karen Smith (Feb 14, 2016)

AmbiguousHusband said:


> By the way, there are two things that divorced friends and relatives have said to me regarding the decision they made that REALLY hits home for me. I wanted to share them:
> 
> 1. You are ready for divorce when you can envision waking up every day without your wife, and you're okay with that
> 2. You are ready for divorce when the pain of not being able to see your children every day outweighs the pain of seeing your wife
> *3. You don't WANT to divorce, you just don't see any other end to this pain (my dad)*


WOW! A major epiphany for me!
Thank you for putting into words that fit my dilemma exactly.
No intentional highjacking of thread.
Back to our topic.


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## Karen Smith (Feb 14, 2016)

AmbiguousHusband said:


> x598,
> 
> I get that everyone wonders. *Even my wife, who I've talked about these topics with ad nauseum has told me (verbatim) that "the thought of divorce crosses my mind at least once a day."* But it's not a serious consideration - it's just one of those momentary thoughts that drift in - sort of like when you TRY not think about something and it makes you think about more instead?!


Big red flag in my opinion. 

Before you can work on your marriage...you must work on yourself. 
Like others have already suggested, please get professional mental health help. Find a counselor that is an excellent listener. Then stay committed to LONG TERM therapy. Do NOT stop going once you start to feel better. It may very well be necessary to stay in therapy for a year or years. Nothing wrong with that. The deeper we are wounded, the longer it takes to heal. 

Once you are in a better place with yourself, then, and only then, can you truly begin to make long term strides in improving your marriage. The act of going should make your wife feel some relief and that will have a positive impact on her. That is a selfless act of love.

:smile2:


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