# Husband told me not to take my son out?!



## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I have been married for only 5 months. We have 2 boys the same age but from previous marriages. I have my son all the time and he gets his every other week and weekend. So half the time. Anyways, for christmas he got his son a snowboarding pass for them two to go for the day. Which was a great idea. His son is having a hard time with the marriage and treats me very badly so I thought they should have some time together. Well they went today and before they left I said I was going to take my son to the movies and I went into the bathroom, when I came out my husband charged at me and said he did not want me going to the movies, we can do it as a family next week. "just cause he is doing something doesnt mean I have to". I thought that was bull. I was going to ask him why but he seemed so serious I figured it would start a fight. He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him. That we do everything together. He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that! Is this something that is going to get worse you think? I have never dealt with this before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you, your husband and the two boys?

How long did you date your husband before marrying him? Was he like this before you married him .


So your husband goes out with his son alone but he will not 'allow' you to go out with your son? And you are following his orders?

This is the start of some serious abuse. Not only did he tell you this but he did it in an intimidating manner. 

He was upset because you went to a 'toy' party? Are you talking about a party for kids toys or adult sex toys? 

Does your husband not like your friends and family?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Red flags!
Restricting what you can do and who you can see.
Interfering with your right to have a relationship with your son.
My EX-h was the same way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> *when I came out my husband charged at me* and said he did not want me going to the movies, we can do it as a family next week. "just cause he is doing something doesnt mean I have to". ... *He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him. *That we do everything together. He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that! Is this something that is going to get worse you think?


So, by his rules, everything must be done together as a family, yet he takes his son snowboarding without you. I see. EleGirl is exactly right. This IS abuse. And, yes, it's going to escalate.

I hope you are going to see this for what it is. And it's very serious. He's isolating you. Stop allowing him to do this. I have this feeling you're going to see him escalate when, and if, you challenge his authority.

I couldn't live with someone who exhibited this behavior. It's scary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd be so over that. Controlling and double standards? Hell no.


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.
I have known him for years. Well we "knew" of eachother, seen eachother here and there (small town). But we hooked up about 2 years ago and married 5 months ago. And ours sons are 11. His son is very rude and I have a hard time keeing my cool with him but I do it cause he is a child. But he is a very selfish kid. I did not go to the toy party (yes it was an adult one), cause he told me not to. He used to say as long as it was at my friends house its fine, but now its not even that. He says no to that. I thought it was just my friends he did not like but I started hanging out with one of his friends wives and he will not even let me go out with her alone!


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I asked him what are you going to do if I do go out with them? and he said well in that case he should of never married me cause I was clearly not ready to settle down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is abusive. And yes it will escalate. 

A good part of his son being rude to you is that his son has learned that his father is going to control you. So like father, like son. His son will always be rude to you because of this. He thinks he is on a high level on he pecking order than you are. His son probably is not very nice to your son either. This too will escalate.

So he is isolating you from your friends. He's controlling your relationship with your son. He's controlling you. He's using agressive body language with you. This is all classic abusive behavior.

Did you take your son to the movies? I hope you did. If not why not. What are you afraid of? What will he do if you take your son?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> I asked him what are you going to do if I do go out with them? and he said well in that case he should of never married me cause I was clearly not ready to settle down.


What was your response to this nonsense?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Was he like that before you married him?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Divorce him immediately. This will continue to get worse, and nothing you can say, do, or promise will make it better. And if you stand up to him to demand your natural rights, you will get a beatdown, either mental or physical. You may be thinking, "But we just got married, and dated for nearly two years before that!! I can't do that at THIS point!" Yes you can. You will be cursing yourself for not doing so about a year from now.

How do I know? I dated someone like this, and nearly married him. It was the exact same: He "preferred" I wear this or that outfit and jewelry; he advised I might want to eat this and not that; he wanted me to stay at his side ALL the time. Didn't want to spend time with my family and friends, and pouted when I didn't want to spend time with his. He made me question my sanity and mental stability (telling me it was MY fault he acted that way; clearly I didn't love him enough to keep him from beating on me; HE was not in the wrong for escalating anything), and I kept telling him I love him and want to work it out. NOTHING worked.

Within a year, he pulled a weapon on me. I left, filed a police report, and prepared to press charges. He vanished, and I haven't seen him since.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.


What does he do that is "amazing" for you and your son? I'd like to know. You've given clear details of how he rules his fiefdom with an iron fist. So what is he doing that makes him someone you love?

Stick around. It will get worse. And you will find out what it is like to deal with an abuser. 'Cause I'd bet the farm if you stand up for yourself and tell him you're going somewhere without his "permission," he'll escalate.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> What does he do that is "amazing" for you and your son? I'd like to know. You've given clear details of how he rules his fiefdom with an iron fist. So what is he doing that makes him someone you love?
> 
> Stick around. It will get worse. And you will find out what it is like to deal with an abuser. 'Cause I'd bet the farm if you stand up for yourself and tell him you're going somewhere without his "permission," he'll escalate.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

wow some of you nailed it right on...now I am kind of scared. Not sure what to do. No I did not take my son to the movies cause I was afraid of what he may do. I was just shocked he said that. And what was I supposed to say in his response to him not marring me if I was going to go out with the girls? I mean Its alittle to late now. We are married. I went out with them all the time when we were dating, and he went with us. And come to think of it, he was alittle like this when we were dating. He would always come to my apartment without calling to "check" on me ect...if I didnt answer my phone he would come over. And Sunvally- its funny you say that- cause just last week I wore a tank top to work cause it gets really hot there, and he FLIPPED, told me to wear a teeshirt from now on. He "doesnt want me showing my hot body to anyone else".


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I agree with you all now that it will get worse. I just am in shock kind of and dont really know where to go from here I guess. I mean we ARE married and he is great in many other ways. He takes care of us, and is caring and loving and is always there for me. Maybe thats the problem, he's always here! lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have family who can help you?

YOu have a job that I assume supported you and your son before you married. so you can move out and get a place on your own.

I don't know how old you are so don't take this as patronizing... I'm 63 so most here are younger than me. If you were my daughter I'd tell you to leave him now. Who cares if you are married now if he is being abusive. Abuse is a valid reason for leaving a marriage.

He was like this before you married. You just ignored the signs. Now you know what the signs look like. Now that you are his wife and he is supporting you, he is using that dependency to become abusive and put more control on you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also - what's going to happen if he continues to show that behavior not only to his son, but yours as well - do you want to eventually be in a house with three grown men who have learned they can treat you however they like?

I'm very sorry this has happened, but - better finding out sooner than later.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry about this.

Agree with the others, your husband is VERY abusive & controlling.

Please for the sake of your son, create an exit plan if you don't want to live like a prisoner.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, you are married, but a marriage is a partnership, so while you're legally married, it's not a spiritual marriage by any means. It sounds more like a tethering or having a ball and chain. It's certainly not what you signed up for or made a vow to uphold. Seems like he is just winning on technicalities here.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

You are in an abusive situation. If you stay in it, if you acquiesce to his control and intimidation, your son will learn from you that you think it is okay for men to treat women this way. 

You can't change your husband. It will get worse. 

Get out sooner rather than later, for your son's sake and your own.


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

SO he is out right know with his son snowboarding and I am home with mine playing board games. My son asked where they were and I told him. He seemed disapointed. I texted my husband and told him I dont think it is fair that he takes his son out and he gets to have such a great time while we are home. And he replied with "it was his christmas gift, next time we will all go" that did not make me feel any better. 

Any btw- I am 40 and he is 37. So we know better than to play stupid games which I think he is doing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take your son out. Holy crap. You are grown and his mother.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> ...now I am kind of scared. Not sure what to do. No I did not take my son to the movies cause I was afraid of what he may do.


When you play your hand from the position of fear, that should tell your brain what your gut has known all along. It is normal for you to be afraid of this man. 



smileveryday said:


> I mean Its alittle to late now. We are married.


So? Does this mean because you are married you are going to stay home when you would rather go out? Does this mean your son has to see how a man dominates his wife with threats and cruelty? Frankly, I'd rather leave sooner than stay in the hopes things would improve. It already sucks. Yeah, I know ... he's such a wonderful guy in other ways; he just has this quirk where he goes off when you want to go anywhere by yourself. 

Take it from a former battered spouse, this WILL get worse. I stayed, too, thinking his other sterling attributes would make up for the fact that every now and then he lost it and backhanded me across the face. I wish I had walked the first time he punched me. 




smileveryday said:


> He would always come to my apartment without calling to "check" on me ect...if I didnt answer my phone he would come over. And Sunvally- its funny you say that- cause just last week I wore a tank top to work cause it gets really hot there, and he FLIPPED, told me to wear a teeshirt from now on. He "doesnt want me showing my hot body to anyone else".


I know you are going to stay, because you are married to him and want it to work. The thing is, this isn't working and it hasn't been working since before you got married. The red flags were flapping in your face. Maybe it's because I was abused by my ex that I've learned to pick up on this stuff quicker than I once did. I would have been scared sh!tless if a man I was involved with started coming by unannounced to check on me.

I feel for you, but more than that, I feel great sadness for your son. This is not a good place for him to be.

And you never did get really specific about what it is your husband does that is so "amazing." I'd still like to know. Because this guy sounds like one mean SOB to me.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

smileveryday said:


> I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.
> I have known him for years. Well we "knew" of eachother, seen eachother here and there (small town). But we hooked up about 2 years ago and married 5 months ago. And ours sons are 11. His son is very rude and I have a hard time keeing my cool with him but I do it cause he is a child. But he is a very selfish kid. I did not go to the toy party (yes it was an adult one), cause he told me not to. *He used to say as long as it was at my friends house its fine, but now its not even that. *He says no to that. I thought it was just my friends he did not like but I started hanging out with one of his friends wives and he will not even let me go out with her alone!


Based on the bolded statement in your post, I'd say it was _already_ starting to escalate, and yes, something like this will only get worse from here on out. 
This isn't something I would be able to deal with in a marriage, there's absolutely no good reason you can't take your son on an outing without him. Do you work outside the home? How does he handle that sort of thing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> SO he is out right know with his son snowboarding and I am home with mine playing board games. My son asked where they were and I told him. He seemed disapointed. I texted my husband and told him I dont think it is fair that he takes his son out and he gets to have such a great time while we are home. And he replied with "it was his christmas gift, next time we will all go" that did not make me feel any better.


It did not make you feel any better, but you still sit there in the house afraid to go out with your child.

You are allowing your child to be treated differently than his child. Thus your child is a second class citizen in your house just like you are. Are you going to allow your child to be put in this position? He will grow up very angry at you for not standing up to him.

I understand that sometimes things are different for different children in a household. But this is too big a difference. His son gets a great day doing something very special with his dad. And your son gets board games at him with his mom.

In the future, if you stay, when one child gets something that special both really should. At least you should have taken your son to the movies.

It's one thing if you want to subject yourself to emotional abuse. But subjecting your son is very wrong. You are the person who is supposed to be protecting your son. Who will do this if you do not? Where is your mother lion side?



smileveryday said:


> Any btw- I am 40 and he is 37. So we know better than to play stupid games which I think he is doing.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow. Tell him you are a grown woman and will be going out wherever and whenever you please, same as he does. If he says you shouldn't have married, tell him you agree and show him the door. Why should you live like that?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My H has never told me where I can go, when I can go and who I can see. He knows that I would never do anything that would put myself or our relationship in a bad light. Its called trust. Your H has none for you or respect.
As others have said, you are teaching your son how women should be treated.

I once had a high school boyfriend (many, many moons ago) that told me he didn't want me to go do a study abroad program for the summer. That was the end of him. It was the best thing I did for me.

does he have any restrictions, or are they only for you? Don't let him isolate you, set your boundaries. While you love him, does he love you, or only when you follow his rules?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

smileveryday said:


> I know it is controlling...I just dont know if it will get any worse. I mean this IS bad enough. But like I said I have never dealt with this. I do love him and he is amazing to my son and me in all the other aspects.
> I have known him for years. Well we "knew" of eachother, seen eachother here and there (small town). But we hooked up about 2 years ago and married 5 months ago. And ours sons are 11. His son is very rude and I have a hard time keeing my cool with him but I do it cause he is a child. But he is a very selfish kid. I did not go to the toy party (yes it was an adult one), cause he told me not to. He used to say as long as it was at my friends house its fine, but now its not even that. He says no to that. I thought it was just my friends he did not like but I started hanging out with one of his friends wives and he will not even let me go out with her alone!


Why are you allowing him to dictate to you? If you are scared not to do what he says, get help and get out NOW! It's not fair to you or your son. Sorry you are in this situation, but you don't have to live like that.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

smileveryday said:


> SO he is out right know with his son snowboarding and I am home with mine playing board games. My son asked where they were and I told him. He seemed disapointed.


I can't believe you're sitting at home in with your son like a prisoner because your husband told you that you cannot leave.

Get a grip, get up and get out. 

If husband says "well I shouldn't have married you because you went somewhere without me" tell him "we all make mistakes see you later".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I get it that you're married now and feel like you need to first try to get things on track before jumping out of a marriage. But I also agree with everyone else. He's abusive. It will escalate. You're not helping yourself by being compliant. 

I would encourage you to nip this in the bud by refusing to allow him to tell you what to wear or where you can go, and to not allow him to "check up" on you. When he tries taking for your phone or limiting your communications with others in order to try regaining control, make sure you do not let it happen. 

An abuser will NOT change just because you threaten to leave. They will not change just because you do leave. They will not change UNLESS they decide that such behavior is completely unacceptable. Not a little unacceptable, but COMPLETELY. From his shoes, that means that if he acts even a little controlling, he believes his world will change forever AND that he cannot get it back.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> wow some of you nailed it right on...now I am kind of scared. Not sure what to do. *No I did not take my son to the movies cause I was afraid of what he may do.* I was just shocked he said that. And what was I supposed to say in his response to him not marring me if I was going to go out with the girls? I mean Its alittle to late now. We are married. I went out with them all the time when we were dating, and he went with us. And come to think of it, *he was alittle like this when we were dating. He would always come to my apartment without calling to "check" on me ect...if I didnt answer my phone he would come over.* And Sunvally- its funny you say that- cause *just last week I wore a tank top to work cause it gets really hot there, and he FLIPPED, told me to wear a teeshirt from now on. He "doesnt want me showing my hot body to anyone else".*


These guys must take classes somewhere, smileveryday. Your comment about the tank top? He said the very same thing to me. (And unfortunately no - I am *not* joking.) I should have walked then, but didn't think anything of it at the time.

Mine was a great provider, too - he bought me everything, paid every time we went out, declared he'd never met someone before with whom he fell in love so quickly. All the red flags you described in your original and subsequent posts were there. I highlighted them; they happened to me, as well.

There is no question about what to do. Leave *now*. Do not give him a long, drawn-out farewell, and don't expect him to change. Block him from your phone; screen all your calls; delete and block him from Facebook or any other social media.

If you are scared to stand up to him for yourself (which, in itself, is a *very* bad sign in any relationship), at least do it for your son. Take it from us - it WILL escalate, and your now-husband WILL start on your son, too, if the child stands up to him. (I've seen that happen all too often, too.)


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

What you described are text book examples of abuse. They include the positive traits your partner exhibits.

Usually abusive relationships pass through stages.

Firstly is the charming and seducing the victim. Putting you on a pedestal, being all kinds of kind sweet and supportive.

Second step which begins usually with marriage is the isolation of the victim from sources of support. Family, friends, coworkers. 

Thirdly the threat of violence. The abuser is usually aggressive alluding to violence even if he has not hit you yet. Please also be aware that abuse takes great many forms, physical and psychological, overt and covert and so on.

Controlling behavior regarding what to wear, what to eat, where to go and how to behave.

Virulent jealousy for little or no reason. 

Please treat this with the uttermost seriousness as your life may be in danger. 

The best practice in an abusive relationship is maximum exposure and as little contact as possible never alone with him. All abuse takes place in secret and cannot survive if a spot light is placed upon it. 

Tell everyone, your family, friends, the police, the neighbors. Inform them with the video I linked below so they understand the seriousness. 

To help you understand the situation better here is a TED talk from an abused woman, her portrayal is accurate. While you listen to her please keep in mind that you are at stage 2 and that abuse takes many forms not just overt physical.

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Video on TED.com


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Smileveryday:

One other thing I wanted to mention (and I know your mind's probably racing right now): The instant he charged you, demanding you stay home with YOUR son? That's a covert threat of bodily harm, and absolves you from explaining anything (including why you're leaving.)

I know it's hard to swallow, having been married only five months, but this abuse *will* escalate. Control and abuse is not cute, romantic, or funny. It is pure hell, and it will be pure hell for your child to watch (or, worse yet, endure himself). Let me put it this way: I have been close to homeless, and that is my worst fear. And yet, I would rather be homeless than live with another abusive person.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

I just watched the video in post #32-- watch it, smileveryday! 

You are early enough in the abuse cycle that you could easily disregard it and think it doesn't apply to you, but _you know_ his behavior is abnormal and unacceptable, or else you would not have posted here. 

Get help and get out! If leaving him immediately is too big a step for you, get into counseling right away and insist that he join you. Discuss his controlling behavior openly with the therapist. If he will not join you in counseling, or tries to stop you from going, that is another huge red flag. 

Your son has no power in this-- he needs you to protect him from the upcoming trauma of watching his mother being abused. Don't fail him!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It will definitely get worse. I've been there. The biggest mistake(learning lesson) of my life was marrying my first husband. I ended up leaving after 2 years of his nonsense. It was pretty bad, especially right before I left. 19 years later his behavior/abuse escalated to something I've never seen in anyone. I've never met such an angry person before. Luckily there will no longer be any contact since our child together is grown.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Smileeveryday, I know the story firsthand, too: 

My first husband, the one who broke his hand against my face and put a couple teeth through my lip when I was pregnant showed similar signs as your husband. We'd been together for 4 years, and there were two incidences of physical abuse in the last 3 weeks before I left. They were what finally prompted me to leave. Before that, the red flags didn't seem to be too big to manage, and I felt like I was betraying our daughters and him if I'd have left. The things he did: criticize my clothing and tell me what to wear (just once), talk about other women (such as "Look at her nips!" and "She's got legs up to her ears") to his friends in my presence repeatedly, often telling me I was crazy, kicking or breaking things to intimidate me into silence when we argued three or four times, and one time playing "chicken" while driving with our infant daughter in the car (driving in the wrong lane toward an oncoming car.) When I left, he threw raging, screaming fits where he called me a "****" and similar names in front of our daughter when I did not go back to him.

I hadn't quite gotten my fill, though. My next relationship was with another alcoholic abuser. I was only with this one for two years before I left, but I think I came close to losing my life to it. At first, he seemed less domineering, but I soon found that he used helplessness to manipulate me. He claimed he felt insecure, and told me that's why he liked me better without makeup. Since I don't really care for makeup most times, this wasn't a big deal until one day when I just felt like being girly and I put some on. It turned into how I betrayed him, was prowling for men, etc. There was another incident where he didn't like the shorts I was wearing and while we were in public, he picked an argument about them and tore them off me. Thankfully, I wasn't far from my apartment but that was extremely humiliating. Then there was the time we rode on the city bus together and when he got off, he flipped out on me for checking out a guy on the bus. I had no idea who he was saying I'd checked out! By the time I had left, he'd locked me in a closet, pinned me to a wall and spit in my face, and pulled a knife on me. When I did finally kick him out (it was my apartment) he stalked me for months. I came home one day and found him waiting in the dark on my bed. He'd convinced the apartment managers to let him in! Twice he overdosed to try to get me to come back to him. 

Both of these men could be extremely charming and attentive when they wanted to be. They were able to make me feel incredibly important and needed. This is what kept me in the relationships when I should have taken off at the earliest red flags. 

I hope you'll be able to learn from the women who are telling you to leave, because even though I escaped in a faster amount of time than many, I believe I came very, very close to losing my life to someone like your husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Kathy...I just want to hug you right now. And pour you a glass of wine.

Strong woman you are. Dang.


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Kathy...I just want to hug you right now. And pour you a glass of wine.
> 
> Strong woman you are. Dang.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank you so much everyone- honestly. You have really opened my eyes. I am going to call and see if I can get in to talk to someone today. I know he won't go, I don't want to bring it up to him yet. He got on me for wearing purfume again today to work. So its not a good time. I have a guy training me so that doesn't help the situation either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you, ThatGirl. Looking back, I wish I'd have been smarter instead of stronger, though! Or maybe strong enough to leave early on instead of feeling like I "owed" effort.

Sigh....

But hey, I'll take that glass of wine!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

smileveryday said:


> Thank you so much everyone- honestly. You have really opened my eyes. I am going to call and see if I can get in to talk to someone today. I know he won't go, I don't want to bring it up to him yet. He got on me for wearing purfume again today to work. So its not a good time. I have a guy training me so that doesn't help the situation either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm SO glad to hear you're willing to speak to a professional. Hugs and happy thoughts flowing your way from mine.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

smileveryday said:


> Thank you so much everyone- honestly. You have really opened my eyes. I am going to call and see if I can get in to talk to someone today. I know he won't go, I don't want to bring it up to him yet. He got on me for wearing purfume again today to work. So its not a good time. I have a guy training me so that doesn't help the situation either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good! I've been seriously worried for you. 

If you can't get in today, get in ASAP! Tell them it's an emergency.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

Do you have any family or brothers? Does this man have any history of abuse? You said you knew him for quite a while, so have you ever known him to exhibit these behaviors before you were married?

Sounds like you rushed into marriage. When you use the word "charged" you're creating images in people's head that creates your husband is some abuser on the lifetime channel. Obviously you need to stand up for yourself. Go out and take your son anytime you want to. You have to be prepared to end your marriage if you feel like this situation is this serious and he may possibly be an "abuser".

The "abuse" word is thrown around very loosely. I have noticed many posts claiming it right off the top and there is not enough info to say that this guy is an abuser. Maybe its the fact that most of the posters are women, but if YOU feel that you are in abusive situation, then you need to divorce now. Counseling won't do anything. He chose the perfect person to make rules for and it just happened to be you. Your husband is the type of man to seek out passive women and trap them in the house.

So my main question is do you feel that you are being abused? (You did praise him). If you do feel that you are being abused, what have you done so far? What plans have you made for divorce? Are you at that point yet? Honestly there's not much counseling can do in this situation if it is that serious. Be prepared to leave Pronto.

Also, what would happen if you were to take your son out anyway? What do you believe the likely scenario would be? Would he hit you, curse, yell, and take keys and phones away? Is this the type of man he is or is he just an old school guy that prefers women to stay home in the house?

Next time he tells you about your perfume or what you claim as controlling, you need to assert yourself and tell him "Do not tell me what to do, I'm no child". If YOU like wearing perfume. WEAR IT. What is he going to do if you wear it? 

Are you physically afraid of this guy? I asked about family, because if you feel he will harm you, you need to contact your male cousins, uncles, brothers, goons, street cats or anyone to have your back in case of harm's way. If you were my family or sister, and you were feared or scared, your husband would literally have gotten his a** whooped. No questions asked. I do not play men abusing women or women claiming fear of a man. If it's that serious you need to speak up.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Controlling.... And yes it does get worse..

I was with a guy like this for 4 years.. Those were the worst 4 years of my life. He was controlling, abusive. I would get away from him, just to have him stalk me.. I went to stay with an aunt, just to get away from him and he broke into my grandpa and grandmas house for the address book.. He had his sister call my aunts house and as soon as soon as i got to the phone he told me that if i didn't meet him somewhere, he would burn my aunts house down with my aunt and I in it. He would have eventually killed me. 

At first he was charming and a really nice guy (or so I thought), he turned very, very ugly.

The MORE you fight back the worse it will become... Believe me I know...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ravioli said:


> Do you have any family or brothers? Does this man have any history of abuse? You said you knew him for quite a while, so have you ever known him to exhibit these behaviors before you were married?
> 
> Sounds like you rushed into marriage. When you use the word "charged" you're creating images in people's head that creates your husband is some abuser on the lifetime channel. Obviously you need to stand up for yourself. Go out and take your son anytime you want to. You have to be prepared to end your marriage if you feel like this situation is this serious and he may possibly be an "abuser".
> 
> ...


 This is not a very good idea.... Fighting back is not a very good idea... The best idea would be to leave


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> Do you have any family or brothers? Does this man have any history of abuse? You said you knew him for quite a while, so have you ever known him to exhibit these behaviors before you were married?
> 
> Sounds like you rushed into marriage. When you use the word "charged" you're creating images in people's head that creates your husband is some abuser on the lifetime channel. Obviously you need to stand up for yourself. Go out and take your son anytime you want to. You have to be prepared to end your marriage if you feel like this situation is this serious and he may possibly be an "abuser".
> 
> ...


*I also think it's a horrible idea to invite her to consider whether there are people who would fight the guy (and potentially end up in jail.*


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What happened to blow up his first marriage? If he was married to a cheater, he likely has trust issues and probably wasn't and isn't a good candidate for a 2nd "bite of the apple" by marrying again. Especially so soon. I think this sort of behavior lurks under the skin of every guy who was married to a cheater and is the very reason that I make it a point to not get involved in long term relationships.
Cut and run while you can.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

it sounds like you're getting great advice here. i have nothing to add, since thankfully, i've never walked in these shoes, but thank god you came here and you're eyes are open wide enough to know that this is abnormal controlling behavior. you'll need to see through the smokescreen of love and caring to see what lies beneath, which seems very ugly indeed.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> Thank you so much everyone- honestly. You have really opened my eyes. I am going to call and see if I can get in to talk to someone today. I know he won't go, I don't want to bring it up to him yet. He got on me for wearing purfume again today to work. So its not a good time. I have a guy training me so that doesn't help the situation either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you, smileveryday! I'm glad and relieved to see you're taking action. Keep going! (Especially after reading about the perfume thing.)

If I may ask, though: How do you know he will not go? Not trying to be mean, just curious. Have you mentioned this before, and he flat-out refused?


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

sunvalley said:


> Good for you, smileveryday! I'm glad and relieved to see you're taking action. Keep going! (Especia
> 
> If I may ask, though: How do you know he will not go? Not trying to be mean, just curious. Have you mentioned this before, and he flat-out refused?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I don't know why I haven't asked him to go with me. I supposed cause I have been bringing up so many of his issues lately I don't want to keep nagging him. Last night I told him I was going to stay and watch my sons karate lesson and he said no wait til next week when he can stay with me, when I got home he said "I thought u were going to stay I would have had to come and drag you out by your hair" laughing. He said "would u divorce me if I did that?" I said yes. He just got quiet. So not sure if that's a good thing or not. And yes his ex wife cheated. He took her back and she did it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

So he has some reason, from his past marriage, to be more sensitive about cheating-- nevertheless, his reaction is way over the top. "Drag you out by your hair?" Who even talks this way? Laughing while saying it is just a mask for violent intent. Listen to the words, not the laughter.

My best friend was cheated on by her first husband, and later married a man who had been cheated on by his first wife. Neither of them treated each other the way your husband is treating you.

When you came home last night because he told you to, it reinforced his controlling behavior. Every time he gives you orders and you follow them, it reinforces him. I'm not telling you what to do, because I don't know how he will react and crossing him could be dangerous, but it seems to me that he is testing you over and over to see how much he can control you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

That was quite a test. I'm glad you failed by saying you'd divorce him. I think instead of nagging, it might be time to tell him in a calm moment that you will no longer accept being treated like a child, and that while you love his company, you also value your freedom to be a grown woman capable of managing her life.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

smileveryday said:


> I don't know why I haven't asked him to go with me. I supposed cause I have been bringing up so many of his issues lately I don't want to keep nagging him. Last night I told him I was going to stay and watch my sons karate lesson and he said no wait til next week when he can stay with me, when I got home he said "I thought u were going to stay I would have had to come and drag you out by your hair" laughing. He said "would u divorce me if I did that?" I said yes. He just got quiet. So not sure if that's a good thing or not. And yes his ex wife cheated. He took her back and she did it again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bringing up his issues in a calm, adult manner is *not* nagging. If he's blowing off these talks by saying that, or calling you overreactive or sensitive, or saying these discussions are not worth his time because it's all YOUR fault, guess what. HE'S got the problem. Not you. He doesn't want to face what is a real problem, or cluster of them ... and that does NOT bode well for a mature, healthy relationship of any kind. And I agree with ForBetter -- sorry to hear he was cheated on, but that does not give him the right to be so controlling and manipulative and abusive. 

If you're not willing to leave now, I do agree you should get IC. And leave as soon as you can. It doesn't matter if he got quiet or not. I told my X the same thing a few times .... he, too, would get quiet, 'cause I'd trumped him at that moment. Then right back to the same ol' junk. I was stupid for not walking the moment I saw it again.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, it's true that he'll see that as a reason to challenge you again. If you don't back up your intentions and boundaries with actions, it will keep going with him always upping the ante.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

I have been thinking about this on and off all morning.

Your son was deprived of the pleasure of having his mother watch him at his karate practice, just as he was deprived of going out to a movie with you the other day. 

Do you see that your son is _already_ being hurt by this?


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

ladybird said:


> This is not a very good idea.... Fighting back is not a very good idea... The best idea would be to leave


I never claimed she should fight back. I said she needs to inform male family members of potential dangers that her husband poses. If she really believes that he is capabale of doing physical harm then she should let others know. Fighting only came up if I PERSONALLY had a family member involved in this type of situation, and she claimed she was scared that he was going to hit her. But she does need to learn how to stand up for herself. If she has any fear, and cannot stand up for herself in an efficient manner and stand her ground when her husband is "charging" at her and being unreasonable. then her best choice is to leave.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> *I also think it's a horrible idea to invite her to consider whether there are people who would fight the guy (and potentially end up in jail.*


What is the potential jail threat? And who would be going to jail? A man that you claim is abusing and assaulting a woman, is going to the call the cops on another person for a situation he caused? You can't nice your way out of abuse. Abusers live by intimidation and fear. Especially men that abuse women.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> I never claimed she should fight back. I said she needs to inform male family members of potential dangers that her husband poses. If she really believes that he is capabale of doing physical harm then she should let others know. Fighting only came up if I PERSONALLY had a family member involved in this type of situation, and she claimed she was scared that he was going to hit her. But she does need to learn how to stand up for herself. If she has any fear, and cannot stand up for herself in an efficient manner and stand her ground when her husband is "charging" at her and being unreasonable. then her best choice is to leave.


If a man is acting in a threatening manner, it is not a good option for a woman to stand her ground. I guess you haven't seen any of those movies on Lifetime. It's better to get out of there asap. It has nothing to do with being 'efficient', it's the fact that he can kill her with his hands, if he so desired, and her "standing up for herself" wouldn't fix that.

I kind of get what you are saying about male members of the family. It would be good for him to know that she has brothers or a father who will not stand by and let her be harmed, but they cannot exactly guard her day and night.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> What is the potential jail threat? And who would be going to jail? A man that you claim is abusing and assaulting a woman, is going to the call the cops on another person for a situation he caused? You can't nice your way out of abuse. Abusers live by intimidation and fear. Especially men that abuse women.


It doesn't matter if he initiated the abuse. If someone else enters the fray and hits him, they will be arrested and charged with a crime, just as he will be arrested and charged with a crime.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> What is the potential jail threat? And who would be going to jail? A man that you claim is abusing and assaulting a woman, is going to the call the cops on another person for a situation he caused? You can't nice your way out of abuse. Abusers live by intimidation and fear. Especially men that abuse women.


It doesn't matter who or how a fight starts. Unwanted physical acts like a fight are considered "assault" and will result in the fighters getting arrested. A cop might empathize with the brother all the way to jail, but he still has to put the cuffs on when a neighbor or bystander of the woman calls them.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> If a man is acting in a threatening manner, it is not a good option for a woman to stand her ground. I guess you haven't seen any of those movies on Lifetime. It's better to get out of there asap. It has nothing to do with being 'efficient', it's the fact that he can kill her with his hands, if he so desired, and her "standing up for herself" wouldn't fix that.
> 
> I kind of get what you are saying about male members of the family. It would be good for him to know that she has brothers or a father who will not stand by and let her be harmed, but they cannot exactly guard her day and night.


Did she say he came at her in a threating manner? If you read my previous posts I was the one who first mentioned Lifetime movies. I've seen plenty. Stand her ground was in relation to her telling her about clothing styles and perfumes that she can wear. Not standing up when he is about to attack her. That would be silly. If she is not efficient in standing up for herself then it just makes it easier for him to justify himself to cause phyiscal harm. For every little situation that she acquiesces to, then she is just digging herself a deeper hole.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> It doesn't matter if he initiated the abuse. If someone else enters the fray and hits him, they will be arrested and charged with a crime, just as he will be arrested and charged with a crime.


Who would be the one reporting the "crime" if the abuser is hit?


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It doesn't matter who or how a fight starts. Unwanted physical acts like a fight are considered "assault" and will result in the fighters getting arrested. A cop might empathize with the brother all the way to jail, but he still has to put the cuffs on when a neighbor or bystander of the woman calls them.


You came up with a hypothetical situation about neighbors and bystanders to justify your point. In many situations there are no neighbors and bystanders around. How are you so sure that in these types of cases that cops are always around and called?


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

ravioli said:


> Did she say he came at her in a threating manner?


Yes, here is her original post with the words that sound threatening bolded:




smileveryday said:


> I have been married for only 5 months. We have 2 boys the same age but from previous marriages. I have my son all the time and he gets his every other week and weekend. So half the time. Anyways, for christmas he got his son a snowboarding pass for them two to go for the day. Which was a great idea. His son is having a hard time with the marriage and treats me very badly so I thought they should have some time together. Well they went today and before they left I said I was going to take my son to the movies and I went into the bathroom, when I came out *my husband charged at me* and said he did not want me going to the movies, we can do it as a family next week. "just cause he is doing something doesnt mean I have to". I thought that was bull. I was going to ask him why but he seemed so serious I figured it would start a fight. He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him. That we do everything together. He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that! Is this something that is going to get worse you think? I have never dealt with this before.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Right now he is testing the waters. You do need to stand up for yourself. Not in physical way but by not giving in to his demands. You should have taken your son to the movies. You sitting at home when he told you to reinforces to him that you are susceptible to manipulation and he will push it a little further each time. You telling him that you would divorce was the best thing you could have said.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

ForBetter said:


> Yes, here is her original post with the words that sound threatening bolded:


Correct. "Sounds" threatening because of how she words it, but do we know if she felt threatened? In previous posts, I mentioned how she used the word "charged", and how it comes across. And if she felt he came at her in a threatening manner, why didn't she call the cops?


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

ravioli said:


> Correct. "Sounds" threatening because of how she words it, but do we know if she felt threatened? In previous posts, I mentioned how she used the word "charged", and how it comes across. And if she felt he came at her in a threatening manner, why didn't she call the cops?


I think she did feel threatened-- or at least intimidated-- because she complied with his demand. 

Not everyone calls police. I don't think we can judge whether she felt threatened/intimidated by whether she called police. The threat was vague enough that he would not have been charged with anything.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

ForBetter said:


> I think she did feel threatened because she complied with his demand.
> 
> Not everyone calls police. I don't think we can judge whether she felt threatened by whether she called police.


I'm not basing if she felt threatened by whether she called the cops or not, I'm just asking why didn't she inform anyone or the police if she was threatened, considering that she has to live with this man 24/7? Isn't this more than just some street threat from a random person?


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

I don't know the answer to that. Maybe she did tell someone but didn't post about that. Or maybe she doesn't have anyone close whom she can tell. 

It does seem as though the testing and language (dragging by hair, divorce) is escalating, though and I'm sure we are all equally concerned that she act now to ensure her safety and that of her son.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> You came up with a hypothetical situation about neighbors and bystanders to justify your point. In many situations there are no neighbors and bystanders around. How are you so sure that in these types of cases that cops are always around and called?


Oh, for Pete's sake... Just the same way you can assume they won't.

I stand by my original point: Encouraging others to get involved in ways that break the law is a BAD idea. You can nitpick what I say all day long and I will maintain my point-of-view and let you be entitled to yours.

I don't know what your background is, Ravioli, but it's clear to me that you have very little experience with domestic abuse dynamics. When I had two teeth through my lip, all those friends and relatives who claim they'd beat the hell out of an abuser suddenly get weak in the knees when they realize that yes, they could go to jail. Not ONE outsider took action when my exes beat me. Nobody called the cops when he ripped my shorts off in public. Not ONE outsider took action when my father was molesting me. And yes, there were many people who knew. 

IT JUST DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

They talk just like you do. "Are you sure that you're being abused? I'll beat his ass if he's hurting you." 

La-de-dah. That and a buck'll buy you a cup of coffee, but it will NOT keep her safe.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

I echo what FreedomCorp said.

My daughter was involved in an abusive relationship and it was a frightening experience.

One of the first steps an abuser takes is to cut his victim off from potential support groups, i.e. friends and family. Once the victim is isolated then she becomes emotionally dependant on the abuser and more accepting of the abuse. Major red flag if your spouse doesn’t want you to have unsupervised activities with other people. 

In a healthy relationship your spouse would want you to go to your son’s karate class and then want to hear about it.

In my daughter’s case her boyfriend made her stop using make-up and wearing stylish clothes. He didn’t want her attracting anyone else’s attention.

My daughter was young (18) and smitten. Wouldn’t listen to anything we said. What saved her life is the bonds we forged in her first 18 years. 

Don’t allow yourself to be isolated and dependent on this man.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ravioli said:


> I'm just asking why didn't she inform anyone or the police if she was threatened, considering that she has to live with this man 24/7?


I am in total agreement with Kathy. I, too, was a battered spouse. And, NO, I didn't call the cops. I was too afraid. I kept my mouth shut. Fear is a huge motivator, as is giving up one's power over one's own life. Abused spouses are brainwashed, to some degree, to believe they deserve the abuse. 

A dear friend of mine didn't call the cops until her ex put bruises all over her body. Why? Because he told her he would KILL her kids in front of her if she made a peep.

I walked out, or should say RAN out, the night my husband grabbed me by the hair and started tossing me around like a rag doll. And he had an unregistered hand gun in his office. Yeah, I finally got the police and court system involved. But I did it alone. And I did it when my anger outweighed my fear.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Oh, for Pete's sake... Just the same way you can assume they won't.
> 
> I stand by my original point: Encouraging others to get involved in ways that break the law is a BAD idea. You can nitpick what I say all day long and I will maintain my point-of-view and let you be entitled to yours.
> 
> ...


"The law is a human institution"

It's not good to assume. I've dealt with these types of situations before from family members. A similar situation one of my family members went throught where they were subjected to physical abuse. I was called and informed. Let's just say he was in ICU for a while. I do NOT take lightly women getting beat by men and neither do the people around me.

I don't live in fear. Not everyone's experiences will mirror yours. I personally WITNESSED outsiders who have taken actions against men that abused women. Standing up to cowards and giving out justice poses no threat of jail to me.

I'm sorry no one took action in your case for fear of jail, but that's just not the case in my life experiences. You can't go around assuming every experience will be like yours because it's not.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

how is your son doing? does he see what's going on? does your H show this kind of controlling fearful manipulative behavior to your son? Are you eyes wide open or are you slowly sinking into a black hole of questioning yourself? this last threat of him pulling you out by your hair if you don't listen to him was too much for me. Please let it be too much for you. the only thing IC should do is give you the balls to leave.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> Who would be the one reporting the "crime" if the abuser is hit?


Um, the abuser perhaps .. I don't know which Lifetime movies you have been watching, but assault is assault, and the fact that he hit first, and hit a woman, does not make it legal for anyone to hit him in turn. She can hit him back in self defence, but they can't all weigh in and start punching him. Like Kathy says - the cops would sympathize - but they still would arrest them all.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> Correct. "Sounds" threatening because of how she words it, but do we know if she felt threatened? In previous posts, I mentioned how she used the word "charged", and how it comes across. And if she felt he came at her in a threatening manner, why didn't she call the cops?


She has said numerous times in this thread that she has felt upet and worried and concerned about his controlling behavior. I doubt she would have used the word "charged" if she hadn't felt overwhelmed by his behavior. 

As for calling the cops - because he 'acted' threateningly? If he doesn't lay a hand on her, she doesn't really have a report to make. 

Perhaps you should think about why you are treating this as though it is a Lifetime movie, and then seeming to take the side of the bad guy?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

These are all red flags of an abusive/controlling personality at work:



> -When I came out my husband charged at me and said he did not want me going to the movies
> -He seemed so serious I figured it would start a fight
> -He has said before he didnt want me doing anything without him
> -He wouldnt even let me go to my friends "toy" party at her HOUSE the other night. He had a fit about that!
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ravioli said:


> "The law is a human institution"
> 
> It's not good to assume. I've dealt with these types of situations before from family members. A similar situation one of my family members went throught where they were subjected to physical abuse. I was called and informed. Let's just say he was in ICU for a while. I do NOT take lightly women getting beat by men and neither do the people around me.
> 
> ...


Well, I suppose you're fortunate that you didn't come up on attempted murder charges the way one of those abusers I mentioned did. He'd gotten in a fight and put someone in the hospital too, because he "didn't live in fear" and "didn't take any crap." 

Your mentality - that violence is an acceptable way to handle people - reveals to me that you, too, have the abuser mentality. As I said before, you're entitled to whatever works for you, but if you want to continue in this thread the way you have been, I hope you're prepared to be called out whenever you post stuff that can be harmful to this woman, because I will not back down and I will point out how this kind of thinking is unhelpful.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> Um, the abuser perhaps .. I don't know which Lifetime movies you have been watching, but assault is assault, and the fact that he hit first, and hit a woman, does not make it legal for anyone to hit him in turn. She can hit him back in self defence, but they can't all weigh in and start punching him. Like Kathy says - the cops would sympathize - but they still would arrest them all.


Ok and the likelihood of a wife beater (abuser) calling the cops because he was beaten up for causing harm to his wife is what?


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> She has said numerous times in this thread that she has felt upet and worried and concerned about his controlling behavior. I doubt she would have used the word "charged" if she hadn't felt overwhelmed by his behavior.
> 
> As for calling the cops - because he 'acted' threateningly? If he doesn't lay a hand on her, she doesn't really have a report to make.
> 
> Perhaps you should think about why you are treating this as though it is a Lifetime movie, and then seeming to take the side of the bad guy?


I'm not taking anyone's side. I'm just not going to jump to conclusions. Controlling yes. Abusive situation? I'm going to need more info and insight. This is why I asked her questions in more detail to see if she felt threatened by this man physically if she was going to take her son out. Calling the cops is not just a matter of making a report, it can be a deterrent for unwanted behavior, or a way this woman can stand up for herself if she felt if she was in harm's way. This is why I also informed her to call family and friends and tell people the situation she is in, because she needs to get the word out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People call up the cops to report their stolen drugs. SO...I dunno.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Controlling someone through fear and intimidation is emotional abuse.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Well, I suppose you're fortunate that you didn't come up on attempted murder charges the way one of those abusers I mentioned did. He'd gotten in a fight and put someone in the hospital too, because he "didn't live in fear" and "didn't take any crap."
> 
> Your mentality - that violence is an acceptable way to handle people - reveals to me that you, too, have the abuser mentality. As I said before, you're entitled to whatever works for you, but if you want to continue in this thread the way you have been, I hope you're prepared to be called out whenever you post stuff that can be harmful to this woman, because I will not back down and I will point out how this kind of thinking is unhelpful.


Actually it wasn't a matter of being "fortunate" Justice was served, in my eyes and eyes of my family. Nothing was going to happen to me by the laws of the state. Living without fear, isn't the same as living in stupidity. I don't put people in the hospital for "not taking crap" or just because. The man I dealt with got what he deserved and I had the blessing of the community. The man you dealt with harms people because he is a coward.

Actually violence can be an acceptable way to deal with things, depending on the act that a person has caused to someone. The Western world came into power because of violence. The United states of America was built upon violence. We solve international disputes with the threat of violence if diplomatic measures cannot be resolved. All matters of dispute does not have to be solved through violence, but when situations go above and beyond the call of diplomacy, then resolutions have to be enacted by other means.

Your attempt of claiming I have an abusers mentality is futile. It holds no weight. I'll just chalk it up as an emotional insult. Exacting harm to a bully that causes harm to others is just a mere act of retribution. The world is not full of rainbows and unicorns. I never gave her harmful info. If anything you're telling her to reason with a guy that abused her and assaulted her( your words) In what way is that helpful? I told her to leave, inform her family, inform the cops, divorce asap, and stand up for herself for an inconsequential matter such as tank tops and perfumes.


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

ravioli said:


> Actually it wasn't a matter of being "fortunate" Justice was served, in my eyes and eyes of my family. Nothing was going to happen to me by the laws of the state. Living without fear, isn't the same as living in stupidity. I don't put people in the hospital for "not taking crap" or just because. The man I dealt with got what he deserved and I had the blessing of the community. The man you dealt with harms people because he is a coward.
> 
> Actually violence can be an acceptable way to deal with things, depending on the act that a person has caused to someone. The Western world came into power because of violence. The United states of America was built upon violence. We solve international disputes with the threat of violence if diplomatic measures cannot be resolved. All matters of dispute does not have to be solved through violence, but when situations go above and beyond the call of diplomacy, then resolutions have to be enacted by other means.
> 
> Your attempt of claiming I have an abusers mentality is futile. It holds no weight. I'll just chalk it up as an emotional insult. Exacting harm to a bully that causes harm to others is just a mere act of retribution. The world is not full of rainbows and unicorns. I never gave her harmful info. If anything you're telling her to reason with a guy that abused her and assaulted her( your words) In what way is that helpful? I told her to leave, inform her family, inform the cops, divorce asap, and stand up for herself for an inconsequential matter such as tank tops and perfumes.


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## smileveryday (Jan 27, 2013)

I went to talk to a therapist yesterday and it helped a bit. I am going to keep going, she wants me to get my husband in. So I am going to bring it up to him. I work at 2 different job sites and the one I worked at today is with all females so I wore a tanktop under my sweatshirt and he slipped, saying I always bend the rules. To never wear it again and to not take my sweatshirt off. I asked why it mattered, their all girls, he said cause it does. I asked him last night if he would ever lay a hand on me he said no, he's afraid I would call the cops and he loves me to much to do that. I said, well u have pushed me before. And he said yeah but that will never happen again. I want to beleieve him so bad!
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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> I asked him last night if he would ever lay a hand on me he said no, he's afraid I would call the cops and he loves me to much to do that.





> I said, well u have pushed me before. And he said yeah but that will never happen again.


He's afraid you will call the cops, and he loves you too much to "lay a hand on you" - but he frequently makes threats (to pull you out of a place by your hair, etc) - and he has pushed you before? 

You judge a person by their actions, and by the outcome of their words, rather than their reassurances. Abusive words and actions weigh more than reassurances that 'it will never happen again'. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard of that being said, I could easily retire. 

Try with the counseling, but please be absolutely open and blunt about what is going on. Don't hedge around it, don't ignore the elephant in the room - kwim? There is a tendency with some women, that they will talk about everything but the actual main issue, especially when it is abuse. Putting it all out there, openly and honestly, is the only way that you have a chance of fixing this situation. 

BTW, I do understand your husband having fears of infidelity, when he has already been through a marriage with a cheating partner, but that is _never _an excuse for abuse.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

janefw said:


> You judge a person by their actions, and by the outcome of their words, rather than their reassurances. Abusive words and actions weigh more than reassurances that 'it will never happen again'. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard of that being said, I could easily retire.
> 
> Try with the counseling, but please be absolutely open and blunt about what is going on. Don't hedge around it, don't ignore the elephant in the room - kwim? There is a tendency with some women, that they will talk about everything but the actual main issue, especially when it is abuse. Putting it all out there, openly and honestly, is the only way that you have a chance of fixing this situation.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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