# Random stuff about the aftermath of Dday (Anger triggers and other things)



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

It has been a week (yesterday) since I had any contact with my soon to be ex wife.
I feel the anger still vivid inside me but it's somehow more controllable. She made a great job to raise my resentment few notches and I think I'll be grateful to her for this, some time in the future.
I use my mother's device to see my blood pressure. The first weeks it has been up to 16/8 which is pretty scary. I rarely went higher than 13. I don't know if these numbers means anything to north americans. Basically if you go higher than 17, it means either you chose to remain angry and damage your lever or do something about it. 16 was an enough wake up call for me, as I felt the daziness and the tingling in my veins that old people always speak about.

Sport and distance helped me a lot. Also my mother's house being a few meters far from the sea. The sound of the waves (when it isn't drowned by the screaming of the herds of vacationers) is an amazing anti depressant.

I am really convinced that my decision to end everything is the main factor that helped me. I consider myself lucky, reading some of the threads in this section and it made me realize that I can't sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself.

I still get some triggers that bring me back to my state of mind post Dday.
- Seeing the attitude of soon to be ex wife in some of the threads/posts.
- Finding newsletter mails of websites we were registered in together. Especially a hotel in Djerba where we used to go each fall. It was in October/November, so it was no fun to delete it.
- A couple of days ago, I found a silly mug of ours that we left at my mother's house. It has a funny background story and I just went mad seeing it and I smashed it to the wall. So I'd say everyday objects that I totally forgot about.
- Sleeping at night is the hardest of it all. I have both my and my mother's pets to cuddle with so it's kind of funny to see them fight to have a better access to my chest, but for some moments, it isn't enough.

All these things annoy me to the core becaue I have no control over them and I hate it. I hate it a lot.
What about those who are doing the 180/decided to seperate. What are the usual triggers that add a zest of poison to your daily healing efforts ?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I also forgot about dreams. These are the among the things that annoy the hell out of me because I have no control over them.
I just had one, and I forgot most of the details, but I was dreaming that nothing did happen of all of this. Sometimes I dream she said sorry, or that she rubbed it in even more. I once dreamt that i walked on them.

What I find it cruel about dreams, is that once you wake up, you barely remember anything but you still feel the anxiety/rage that you felt while dreaming.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I have some bad dreams too. Some good as well. With the bad ones, I wake with a sense of sadness and loss. But I can't place why. Something that was immediate and clear in the dream, but waking all I am left with is the emotional state. The good dreams are the same way. I will wake up thinking it is all as easy as we allow it to be and everything is possible. And then the day begins.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Exactly. It makes a sore start either way.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

> What are the usual triggers that add a zest of poison to your daily healing efforts ?


When my friend was over the other day, we ended up talking about some celebrity and mentioned he was good-looking. My son, (has no idea dad cheated and never will) interrupted us to tell me that I shouldn't say such things because _"it might hurt dad's feelings"_. I stayed calm but inside I was reeling. Not at my son but at the absurdity of having to preserve his father's feelings/prevent jealousy for a man who cheated on me. 

Going into my bedroom still makes my stomach go in knots. Since D-Day, I've been sleeping on the sofa, or when my son's away, on his bed. Going in there makes me think of my ex's lying eyes and how he sat up in bed and told me in an indignant tone that nothing was going on (before I found proof).

Unfortunately, I've had to see my ex every morning because he drives from out of town to take our son to school. Sometimes I feel nothing but other times I feel very angry. It's even worse if he uses his phone in front of me because although I'm trying not to care; I wonder if he's texting somebody.

Weather permitting, I hang laundry outdoors instead of using the dryer, so in the first week or so after separating, I'd come across a sock or something of his in the load. When I did, I just left it outside by the garbage cans lol. 

^I know the last one is a little immature but really, I don't want to lift another finger for this man and that includes laundering his stupid socks!


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry, this must be real hard sometimes. It's gracious of you to take the arrows just to preserve your husband's dignity in front of your son. But you did very good, your son's self-esteem can't be another casualty of his father's actions. You're a good mother.

You're very strong and not immature, you're right about not doing anything for him again (and if you can get a lil' pleasure on the side, why the hell not [: ). 
An immature thing would be to lure him into a small room where he thinks he would recover his socks but where there will be the things that would creep him the most then shut the door from the outside and tell him: " You won't come out until you apologize to the point I forgive you."
I'm not saying I would do that but my soon to be ex wife is really lucky I don't do her laundry and that black widows and piranhas don't live in Tunisia.



Lol weather permitting, you mean when season's god isn't trying to freeze you to death ?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> But you did very good, your son's self-esteem can't be another casualty of his father's actions. You're a good mother.


You're right. I don't want my son's self-esteem to be affected by this in any way. I assure you, preserving my ex's dignity was 100% for my son's benefit. Thanks for the compliment. 



Torrivien said:


> ...but where there will be the things that would creep him the most then shut the door from the outside and tell him: " You won't come out until you apologize to the point I forgive you."
> 
> I'm not saying I would do that but my soon to be ex wife is really lucky I don't do her laundry and that black widows and piranhas don't live in Tunisia.


LOL! Mice would do it for me but I don't know what would have to be in that room with my ex?... Probably a bunch of people who like physical affection, deep conversations and emotional intimacy. 



Torrivien said:


> Lol weather permitting, you mean when season's god isn't trying to freeze you to death ?


Lol, pretty much! I'd say half the year is good, not winter or the beginning of spring (too cold or too wet). The summer and fall are pretty nice though and although I prefer the dryer, hanging the wash serves as another reason to go outside and enjoy it.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Today I had another stupid dream, this one scared me a lot.
I dreamt that I killed her and her other man and put them in the tub while going outside to I don't know why. My mom (talking sanely to me) she says: You must feel lighter now but you must be careful not to tell anybody.
I replied: Yes, I do. But the Americans call it "fog", once it's gone, I will probably go back to hating her. 
And we actually both laughed at that line.
Just the idea of having such thoughts inside me terrify me to the core. But it must be all the heavy stuff I ate last night and didn't get digested very well.

I'm glad that I woke up relieved it was just a dream, and not regretting I didn't do it in real life.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare and glad it was just a dream. I hope you get a better sleep tonight! No heavy food for you. Maybe try some comedy before bed.  I woke up laughing a lot this summer because I was falling asleep watching stand-up comedy every night for a little while and my dreams got funnier lol. 

Today was a real-life nightmare. I don't want to get into it here but I am really wishing he wasn't the father of my kids at the moment. All I can say is that I'm feeling the hate. I feel like the hate and anger just begets more hate and anger because I'm normally a lighthearted, happy person so the fact that I can even feel this angry makes me mad! It's sick.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I am really sorry to hear about your anger today. :/
When you will feel ready to talk about it, we'll all be listening!

I think I'll get your advice, I love stand-up comedy! Share some names! lol
I'll post links to my favourite stand up comedians in your Social spot thread.


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