# Since getting married intimacy terrifies me!



## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

I am nooooo prude but since getting the real deal and marrying him I find it really hard to have make love, it is almost as if he loves me too much and it is real and I can't cope with it. I love him he s a good man, I have soooo much baggage, I want to let go but i am scared to let go and I end up getting stressed.
I do have some mental health issues (bipolar type 2) symptons since a head injury received in a violent relationship.
I really love my husband he is amazing I have never had a problem in the sex department but since i am in the real thing it appears to have presented itself. Even kissing is too intimate and i wind up getting stressed.
Any ideas...I am sick of therapy anyone else relate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?

How old are both of you?

well if you are sick of therapy, then you need to figure this out all on your own ... right? There is no magic pill. The therapy is to focus on and learn how to improve your sitution.


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

late 30's been married a year, was hoping someone else maybe able to share their experience if similar. I am in fact a trained therapist too!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Give yourself permission to enjoy sex. Within marriage sex can be whatever you let your mind make it be. Don't always have to be one way, or pure and tantric, or playful or whatever - use your body to the fullest, don't disrespect or abuse it and all is fine. If you are worried about unwanted pregnancy then see your doctor for BC. Sex in marriage is beautiful, ask him to go really really slow and just experience the different sensations - its your husband he is there to protect you, and its a safe place.


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

That is really interesting that you say he is there to protect me and make me feel safe as these are 2 issues that came up after an issue we had the other day in a more external situation. I am a very strong person who has always had to look after herself I can be pretty fiery (stress response maybe?) and it would take alot of trust for me to relinquish that responsibility to someone else. He is totally fine to take things slow, it is just me... I think I know what i need and then i start getting bossy within seconds i'm stressed and then it is game over. 
We are thinking of trying for a baby I already have an 11 year old from when I was younger and had a god awful pregnancy, maybe that is subconsciously creating fear too 
Thank you for your response, you seemed to nail a couple of points for me there.
I need some how to get my head out of it and I would be fine!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It is ok to be strong for yourself, that is who you are and it is great - your H is another layer of redundancy, and that is important I think for a H to recognize that role, for those times you may not be feeling so strong and fiery.

Have you discussed family planning with your H now or are you both just improvising, deal with it when it happens? Maybe some communication about that would go a long way to helping you let go of some anxiety.

Also, if there is things he could do to help your enthusiasm don't be afraid to speak up, maybe you have certain things that you are more comfortable with he could do to ease you into it and take you mind of the stresses you are experiencing. Not only would it ease your mind but would also be developing trust in him.

But more important I think is to not overthink it - that is a big libido killer and makes enjoyable sex impossible. Sex is a function just like breathing, sleeping, just one that happens to be best mutually enjoyed. You really can do no harm to your marriage, so long as you both treat each other with some respectful understanding.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm surprised someone didn't make a joke about what happens to a bride after eating wedding cake...

I guess I just did.

Anyways, as for the OP's issue, I do think your concern over being pregnant again could be playing into it, but I think it's more so the realization you need to let your guard down. You talk about being fiery, taking care of yourself, not having real love before, etc. Perhaps prior to the marriage you were subconciously expecting things to fall apart, so you didn't really think to much about it. But now that you are married, perhaps that was a trigger for you, a turning point in which you have now allowed someone into your life, something you likely haven't done much of before. 

As such, you realize you need to let your guard down and start excepting this man for face value, something I'll assume has been hard, or even impossible, for you in the past. You know to make a marriage work you have to let him into you on all levels, including emotionally, and you are having issues letting your guard down. Now, during sex, it isn't just a sexual experience, it's love making. It's on a whole new plain, and it's likely freaking you out for that reason, as you said. 

If this is the case, just let go. Easier said than done perhaps, but just let go. If you think about it, having a man love you like this is what you've wanted, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married. You have a lot of issues going on from a mental standpoint, don't let this become one too, especially since it's actually a VERY good thing. Not all of us end up with a caring, supportive, loving spouse like it sounds like you have. Embrace that and help it grow. You sound like one of the lucky ones.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm a therapist as well and I know it can be the hardest thing to ask for help. I often think "why would I go to therapy? I know what they'll say". But as my husband and I search for a sex therapist (which is not my training and I suspect not yours either) I just think, "even if he doesn't tell us something new, it will feel nice to have a third, neutral party to bounce things off of and hold us accountable as well as someone we can share these very intimate struggles with without feeling like they won't be our friend or something anymore". If you're a therapist, you should know better than most that there are excellent therapists and horrendous ones. If someone doesn't fit well with your beliefs, philosophy, personality, whatever, try someone else. A therapist isn't a friend but there still has to be that connection for it to be successful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Stressed about what? That you feel forced and you don't want to or that there's something wrong with you. Frankly my own wife was like that too but eventually it turned out that "I do" meant "Never Again" and the only stress was a result of her feeling harried to deny that.


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Stressed about what? That you feel forced and you don't want to or that there's something wrong with you. Frankly my own wife was like that too but eventually it turned out that "I do" meant "Never Again" and the only stress was a result of her feeling harried to deny that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

bornslippy said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh dear run like dog, sounds to me like u are more stressed than me! I think I will give it another 12 months and see how we go, we certainly don't have issues of never having sex, more relaxing into very intimate lovemaking. I had thought that maybe a sex therapist, however I sometimes find that too much therapy can make me become too self absorbed, maybe hypnotherapy? The mind is amazing at finding ways to recreate issues in other sneaky ways. Being able to share what's written in this forum with my husband is also helping us as a couple. Using this forum as a third person is helpful, with some wisdom and some comedic value too. Getting us to lighten up. I thank you all for your opinions !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> I'm a therapist as well and I know it can be the hardest thing to ask for help. I often think "why would I go to therapy? I know what they'll say". But as my husband and I search for a sex therapist (which is not my training and I suspect not yours either) I just think, "even if he doesn't tell us something new, it will feel nice to have a third, neutral party to bounce things off of and hold us accountable as well as someone we can share these very intimate struggles with without feeling like they won't be our friend or something anymore". If you're a therapist, you should know better than most that there are excellent therapists and horrendous ones. If someone doesn't fit well with your beliefs, philosophy, personality, whatever, try someone else. A therapist isn't a friend but there still has to be that connection for it to be successful.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bornslippy (Jul 30, 2012)

We have just emigrated too to the other side of the world, I am great at putting myself under too much pressure we have only been in our new country 4 mths, I think I have let my health slip somewhat so could do with getting back into yoga and meditation I am sure that would help, what do u think of hypnotherapy, I have used it for other things, feel like I need to break a cycle as opposed to dragging things up. Again..... I'm sure u are aware where I am coming from .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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