# Need help!! Men and women. Not married but need help please!!!!!



## renzAy34134 (Oct 2, 2009)

hello everyone... I am very new at this, actually my first appearance at one of these marrige sites. Since I am not married but might as well be. Me and my girlfriend have been going strong for almost 4 years now. Its been great but recently she has been pressuring me to get married. And when I mean pressuring I mean almost every conversation begins with "Why dont we get married?" Now I dont have a problem with being engaged but our sex life is at best... Shi^^y. I am 22 she is 23. I am ready to go at any time anywhere. And I expect at 23 she should be to. Hell we are young we should be going at it like rabbits. 

She says she is still into me and wants to have sex but has no desire to. No desire. What does this mean women. Please let me know. Has she lost interest in me but still loves me? This has be thinking that if and when we get married this is going to go down from once every two to three weeks to once a month or two! I dont know what to do. I love her i really do _but isnt sex someting a marrige needs to survive?_ I have not once thought about cheating but its getting bad. I would never cheat on her. I dont believe in that. I think cheating is for men who are not real men. Grow a pair and figure it out. And that is why I am here. If i didnt care I would be screwing around and still be happy but I obviosuly dont want that since I am asking for help. 

I try to make moves or make a romantic dinner and serenede her alot. Almost every night I make dinner. We both have 40+ hrs a week job. and I feel bad that she has to come home and cook so I do most of the time. She does clean most of the time however. I cannot take all the credit. At the end of the night i try to make insinuations towards sex and she either says "NO" or she just gets mad and turns over. The turning over thing really gets me going. I dont know what to do. I feel like i should just get up and leave and go to a fu**ing Hotel or back to my parents house. Its ridiculous. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant think of these things anymore myself i am going crazy. I Love her and i dont want to lose her but having no sex or very little is a killer. Please help me, either let me know how to romatisize her more or let her know how i dont want to marry her because of sex. I know its shallow but I just cant handle it much longer. Please let me know!!!!! WOMEN AND MEN I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!


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## renzAy34134 (Oct 2, 2009)

Just a sidenote. before we were living together we werent aving alot sex and she said that if we did move in together we would have more sex becuase we would be together more. Now i didnt move in together to have more sex but hey it was a plus. I was wrong. We had less sex. just more cuddling and talk about marrige....

She is now saying that if we get engaged and married we will have more sex becasuer we will be married. Now I am not a rocket scientist but I am not Dummy. There seems to be a pattern. That more sex equals moving in... whcih didnt and more sex equaLS getting married. wich I honestly dont think she lwill. Considering she says that she has no desire to anymore. WOMEN PLEASE HELP!!!!!!! why wouldnt she have no desire to have sex with me anymore???????? I do everything women want. I cook and i Do clean i have a steady job. I dont know what else to do but crawl on all fours and beg,.... which will NEVER happen. But I just dont know anymore.... 


PLEASE HELP ME!!!


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

it could be a couple of things... low sex drive. Yes, women tend to have a much lower sex drive than men do.

Is it bothering her that you are not married? That could play a factor here.

Wow, you cook... maybe you could come teach my husband. 

Seriously though, I would suggest trying to find out what pushes HER buttons.... you may be thinking you are pushing all the buttons that would work for YOU, but they may be all the wrong ones for her.

That's all I have at the moment but someone else should pop by soon. Hang in there!


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

I feel not married plays a significant role in her moves.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I do not think the quantity of sex will improve with marriage, why would this happen? There are plenty of posts on here about unhappy people (usually men) complaining about too little sex. The women I have been with in my life have all been pretty sexual because this is one of my "dealbreaker areas". From reading all the threads here I would say if you move forward with this lady it will probably get worse, not better.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It sounds like she is using sex as a bargaining chip. First it was if we lived together we would do it more, and now its if we were married we would do it more. Before you even consider marriage, you guys need to have a serious talk and figure out exactly what is going on with her.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Lack of desire stems from resentment or the fact that she isn't all that attracted to you. Either way, I would say, do not get married without working out this issue. Resentment builds when communication fails--either b/c her needs aren't clearly communicated or you don't choose to meet them, even when you know what they are. Have a talk with her about what she really needs from you, as a partner. If she says it is just "marriage," be very careful. That may work, but it may not. If it really is the source of her resentment, that is good to know--but then the real issue is, are the two of you on the same page about life? Why haven't you wanted to get married? Why does she feel so strongly about it? This will require lots of discussion. Truthfully, when it first came up it should have been "fish or cut bait" for each of you--the hanging on, etc., is always a bad idea. Either you are both ready, or, if you are the one who isn't, then you should have moved on. She should have, too, rather than waiting, b/c it only leads to. . . resentment! 

Did she initiate sex before, or was she just responsive when you did? If she was really attracted to you, she would have initiated regularly. Action speaks louder than words here. Do you want to risk a relationship with someone who isn't crazy attracted to you? Is that how you feel about her? You deserve to be with someone who wants you like you want them, and if her sex drive is lower, she still would have initiated at times, on some type of pattern. If she never does/did, well, I'd be concerned about that.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

No Fire, No Desire

Hey Buddy take a tip from me

To her, I think you are just a flea

Sex isn't everything

it's the only thing

What the Rabbi said was sex is binding

It says so in the Bible under "minding"

If your not getting it now

What happens when your the horse and the plow

Retreat young man

Before she frys you up in a pan


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

Thanks for the humor, outinthecold! Good post.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think she regrets putting the cart before the horse and wants to revert back to a dating relationship with no sex before marriage.

Problem is, your expectations are that she be constantly lusting after you by your mere presence in the same room.

You two are so on different planets regarding sex.

You see sex as a shared fun thing to do. She sees sex as a transaction. 

It will not improve.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

It will not improve with marriage, period.


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## swimmin (Oct 6, 2009)

my boyfriend and i do not have sex very often for our age. i have no idea what his problem is. but i do know he jacks himself off more than he has sex with me...which makes me feel terrible. i am always the initiator and i try doing special kinky stuff like stockings and getting all cute...or even the less kinky more casual put on a little lipstick and look pretty and make a nice dinner...even really cleaning the house. i got up and hug him and fondle his goods and he still doesnt give me any. the guy comes home from work and sits in front of his computer and plays online games. theres no talking to him during this time nothing. i have a guy that cares and thinks about nothing but himself. i even tried playing the online game with him on my computer...he just played even more and then treated me poorly because i wasnt as good of a player...and i got even less sex  so i understand what it is like to want and not get. 
As far as your probelem coming from a female she probably feels like a live in that is just supposed to service you when you want it. i have lived with my boyfriend for 7yrs and i asked for marriage once...which for me just broke my heart because i didnt get the reaction that i had hoped for...instead i got yelling and "your not going to force me to make the biggest decision of my life" ....so marriage really bad topic and i guarantee ill never ask for it again. 
As a woman i definitely have been looked down upon for not being married and living with a man. i have even been refused stay at a bed and breakfast for not being married...was actually called a sinner for it. it is very depressing when you see people and u get the married yet 4 times in one day. or you are harassed at work about living in sin and not being married everyday as a sick joke. socially, not being married is and can be very hard on women emotionally. 
when a man wants to marry a woman it makes her feel valued, worthy, and respected. your gf probably doesnt want to put out because she feels like she is being used for sex...by dont giving you sex she probably thinks that if you love her then love will win and you will marry her. but that is dumb and it doesnt work cause it just pushes you away and you end up here.
i have great respect for a man that wants to man up and salvage what he has so there is hope for you guys.


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## swimmin (Oct 6, 2009)

btw i am female and i agree with michzz


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## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

It seems that in her mind, marriage will suddenly make everything better and your sex life will drastically improve. I'm sorry, but it won't. You two definitely need to talk things out before committing. Getting married will never solve problems.

I don't know how likely this is in your scenario, but it is possible for her to not have a sexual desire due to medical reasons, like a hormonal imbalance. It's happened to me.

I don't think she has a full understanding of men in general, and you may need to explain this to her. Men, when it comes to sex, use it as a way to emotionally connect with a woman. For us women, it's generally something like cuddling, or talking, or snuggling up to a nice movie. Explain to her how you want her because it's your way of "cuddling" or "talking", and it makes you feel close to her. Her shutting you out is clearly making you frustrated not only emotionally, but physically. 

So sorry she's putting you through this. Also remember not to smother her too much, because that could also push her away. Good luck.


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## fhaye (Aug 26, 2009)

In this situation not yet married and getting this dilemma it is very difficult for you both and can't imagine your devotion and love that your showing. But why can't she? There is something going on in your relationship and you need to ask. There is a resistance towards things you do for her.

I think you need to consult a marriage therapist before entering to marriage so they could guide you with it and able to learn what could be the best way.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

I disagree, I dont think you need sex in a relationship. If you truly care about them then your mind runs deeper then sex. Sex is just one form of bonding your relationship/marriage.
If you are the kind of guy who needs sex you should not get married. You should be at the bar right now. 
She probably turns over because she feels like you care too much about sex, she is probably rolling her eyes wishing you would talk about marriage. Just ask yourself..could you/would you want to be married to this girl for the rest of your life with NO sex. If the answer is no she deserves someone who does.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

heather, look at the dates of the posts you're replying to. This one hasn't been active in 10 months.


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