# RoomMate Syndrome....?



## kitty (Mar 24, 2009)

Hi. I'm new to this forum and need some advice...I'm not sure where to start so forgive me if i jump around a bit.

I have been married for 8+ years and it started out like a firecracker - I had split with my fiance and he had split with his wife (for separate reasons). We knew eachother from work and were good friends before we dated. We had the usual intense sex for the first 3 or so years. It started to taper off and neither of us was too upset about that at the time. We figured it was just normal and a way of growing. However, now we hardly ever have sex and it's (mostly) because i am not really interested. I love him and i am attracted to him, i just honestly, can't be bothered. We have great communication, but we just don't know what to do.

We also seem to be changing quite a bit...well, truthfully, it seems more like he's changing than me. I'm a homebody - probably borderline reclusive. I just don't like people that much...and i loathe bars and crowds. I don't give a second thought to him going out with the boys to watch a game or to play hockey. I'm just really not that interested in tagging along. This was fine up until a few weeks ago...he started coming home later and later. I don't get mad, as i have no problem finding things to do. i do feel a bit left out, but not because he's going out, it's because i'm being left out of his life! The sex thing keeps coming up. Also now he tells me that he is more social than he thought and he really enjoys going out with the boys. And i am ok with that too, but it does seem we are slipping into the dreaded "best friend/roommates"...and neither of us wants this to happen.

We have great communication between us and have talked about this in length. We just don't know how to fix it.

Did I mention that we both take anti-depressants? We know that these cause sexual problems, and i am the first to admit that my libido dropped when i went on them, but i don't want to go off of them because they level me out. No mood swings, and i am generally a pretty happy person. My husband has a harder time with this - he has moderate depression and has changed his drugs many times and has had a hard time staying level. This usually comes up when the marriage talk comes up.

Anyway, just looking for some advice...if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Thx in advance.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

kitty said:


> We have great communication between us and have talked about this in length. We just don't know how to fix it.


I'm not buying it 

You *do* know how to fix this, you're just making excuses. You can already see the red flag flying on the beach - you know - the one that says the tide of infidelity is rising.

Two questions... 
Are you resentful about anything?
Do you really NEED the antidepressants?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MT is right, you DO know how to fix this, just do "it" whether you want to at the time or not, period.

With him going out with "the boys" all the time and getting 0 sex at home, MT is right, eventually infidelity will come eventually.

Its not what you want to hear, but I believe its the truth.

If sex doesn't resume in your marriage, one of the two of you will eventually cheat, and since he's more "social" it will probably be him.

Mark asked the same 2 questions I would have thought about, answer those and he (I'm sure) will have some good advice (he always does).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> MT is right, you DO know how to fix this, just do "it" whether you want to at the time or not, period.
> 
> With him going out with "the boys" all the time and getting 0 sex at home, MT is right


Remind me to give you a raise 
Sorry, couldn't resist


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Oh, and one more thing, just my opinion, not fact, but he is staying out later, and bringing up sex more often as a last ditch attempt to get your attention sexually. 

I truly think that if you don't fix this situation and SOON he will end up cheating, but I don't think he has yet (that is all 100% opinion).


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## kitty (Mar 24, 2009)

ok i should clarify - we are still having sex and we have been making an effort to have more....

I am not resentful, i just miss him being around as much as he used to be.

Also before the anti-depressants, i had a hair trigger and was generally miserable all the time...i have tried going off of them and that was a nightmare. I ended up crying at nothing and quite often. If he looked at me funny, i was a basket case! lol So, yes, i'd say i need them.

I know he hasn't cheated on me and am not really worried about that, i just would like to know how the best way to get us "interested again"...and he says it's not just me, he is the same - we just can't be bothered as much as before.

We have tried setting up a night a week for time together, but oddly enough, when we try and plan things, it just doesn't work out....i work afternoons and he works nights and that doesn't help much, as we dont' have alot of time together.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

kitty said:


> ok i should clarify - we are still having sex and we have been making an effort to have more....


How often are you currently having sex, and how often were you "before" whenever that was that you started making an effort to have more?


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## kitty (Mar 24, 2009)

we're trying for at least once a week now - it was fairly bad before...once every few weeks...we're trying!!!!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Once a week is a good start, you need to ramp it up to 3-5 times a week, do that and I can bet on the fact that he'll want to stay at home more often.


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## Bobby (Mar 28, 2009)

If you want your marriage to work you will make the time and effort to fix it all. He will have to do the same thing. Go out of your way to make it work, it is worth it!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Depression does hinder a relationship. My husband never seems to understand any of the struggles I go through. He dismisses me as "one of my moods." Having separate activites is not a big problem, but lack of interest in sex could be. Can you find at least one shared interest that you and hubby can do together?


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## kitty (Mar 24, 2009)

We've been working on everything..had a good discussion and are making an effort to do more things together. Going great so far! Thx for all the input xx


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