# Something to be concerned about? Snapchat



## In The Dark

Two years past wife's EA. She has shown remorse and our relationship has improved(although it will never be at 100% again). 

She communicates all the time with her girl cousins and aunts on her iphone via an app called GroupMe. On a recent trip, she told me she was downloading an app called Snapchat because all her family had it. I didn't think much of it til I saw somewhere that it could be used for a sexting app. Of course my mind starts to race.

I went on a trip this weekend with my son while my daughter was staying behind with my wife. I then learned my mother-in-law came and got my daughter for the weekend giving my wife a weekend by herself. Mind racing again.

This morning, my wife hops in the shower and I look at her phone. I check the recently used apps and it looks like Snapchat was used recently(or at least opened) but it doesn't look like any messages sent or received since July 28th. I know messages can be deleted though. 

This is what cheating does. Leaves you paranoid and you don't know if this is nothing or if this is something.

Does anyone know anything about this app? Can it be monitored somehow? 

I'm being patient and calm this time. I could make a huge list of the things I did wrong when I stumbled upon the EA two years ago and I won't make those mistakes again. I also don't want to get myself worked up and triggering all over if this is nothing. 

Advice?


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## Will_Kane

Get snapchat and use it with your wife. See how it works.


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## northerbelle

I would just have an honest conversation about the app. Say you've heard what it can be used for and you aren't comfortable with her using it. If she gets an attitude maybe your suspicions have merit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

In The Dark said:


> This is what cheating does. Leaves you paranoid and you don't know if this is nothing or if this is something.
> 
> ...
> 
> I'm being patient and calm this time. I could make a huge list of the things I did wrong when I stumbled upon the EA two years ago and I won't make those mistakes again. I also don't want to get myself worked up and triggering all over if this is nothing.
> 
> Advice?


Ain't that the truth. This is exactly what cheating does. Same boat here. 2 years out from EA. Wife is very into social media, as are millions of other people.

This is our new reality. We can't forbid our spouses from using stuff like this. Know why? Because in 2 months there will be a new app everyone is using. It never ends.

At some point, you either have to trust she won't do it again, or come to grips with this being how your life is going to be. 

Sucks, doesn't it?


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## The Middleman

northerbelle said:


> I would just have an honest conversation about the app. Say you've heard what it can be used for and you aren't comfortable with her using it. If she gets an attitude maybe your suspicions have merit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This! :iagree::iagree::iagree:

You need to have this conversation.


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## LoveAtDaisys

Agree with all previous posters.

With the history you two have, she should understand that there are some things that will be a trigger for you. This is obviously one of them.


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## soccermom2three

You know I'm probably going to sound like an old lady but why is grown woman, wife and mother using SnapChat. I guess I'm coming from the fact that I have two teenagers that use it and it just seems like a silly little app to sharing pictures for a few minutes, (or seconds, I can't remember).

For example, yesterday I was out shopping with my daughter and she's taking pictures of everywhere we went and using them in SnapChat with her friends. Just being silly. Appropriate for a teenager but for a grown woman? 

I guess what I'm saying is what kind of pictures is your wife sharing that she only wants out there for a limited amount of time and can't be downloaded?


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## Squeakr

soccermom2three said:


> You know I'm probably going to sound like an old lady but why is grown woman, wife and mother using SnapChat. I guess I'm coming from the fact that I have two teenagers that use it and it just seems like a silly little app to sharing pictures for a few minutes, (or seconds, I can't remember).
> 
> For example, yesterday I was out shopping with my daughter and she's taking pictures of everywhere we went and using them in SnapChat with her friends. Just being silly. Appropriate for a teenager but for a grown woman?
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is what kind of pictures is your wife sharing that she only wants out there for a limited amount of time and can't be downloaded?


:iagree:


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## mablenc

Yeah, agree with all posters, I will also add that since she cheated already you have all the right in the world to question her without her getting upset about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

Snapchat is a *photo messaging application *developed by Stanford University students. Using the app, users can take photos, record videos, add text and drawings, and send them to a controlled list of recipients. These sent photographs and videos are known as "Snaps". Users set a time limit for how long recipients can view their Snaps, ranging from up to 10 seconds to as little as 1 second, after which they will be hidden from the recipient's device and they are also deleted from snapchat server.

Founder Evan Spiegel explained that Snapchat is intended to counteract the trend of users being compelled to manage an idealized online identity of themselves, which he says has "taken all of the fun out of communicating". Snapchat can locate a user's friends through the user's smartphone contact list. *Research conducted in the UK has shown that, as of June 2013, half of all 18 to 30-year-old respondents (47 percent) have received nude pictures, while a further 67 percent had received images of "inappropriate poses or gestures."*

*The app's main demographic is users between 13 and 23 years of age, with a growing 40 years-and-over userbase as of October 2012. Snapchat is often used to send self-portraits, called "selfies,"* and 30 percent of Snaps are sent to groups. Spiegel revealed at the Dive Into Mobile conference in April 2013 that 80 percent of Snapchat's users are located in the US, while the remaining 20 percent are based outside of the US.


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## In The Dark

soccermom2three said:


> You know I'm probably going to sound like an old lady but why is grown woman, wife and mother using SnapChat. I guess I'm coming from the fact that I have two teenagers that use it and it just seems like a silly little app to sharing pictures for a few minutes, (or seconds, I can't remember).
> 
> For example, yesterday I was out shopping with my daughter and she's taking pictures of everywhere we went and using them in SnapChat with her friends. Just being silly. Appropriate for a teenager but for a grown woman?
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is what kind of pictures is your wife sharing that she only wants out there for a limited amount of time and can't be downloaded?


Great questions. She originally told me that she was going to add it and that her cousins/aunts were using it. I only saw two contacts on it though, one cousin and one aunt. The cousin is young, 23, but still why do you want to send them pics for short amounts of time? They send pics and text all the time through GroupMe so I don't know why this would need to be added.


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## soccermom2three

In The Dark said:


> Great questions. She originally told me that she was going to add it and that her cousins/aunts were using it. I only saw two contacts on it though, one cousin and one aunt. The cousin is young, 23, but still why do you want to send them pics for short amounts of time? They send pics and text all the time through GroupMe so I don't know why this would need to be added.


Yes, exactly. I can't think of one picture that I would send friends or family that I would only want "out there" for a few seconds. I'm not going to send a "selfie", I mean I'm 48, not 28. If I take I cute picture of my kids or something I'm going to send it to family in a way so that they can download it if they want it keep it.


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## Gabriel

Will_Kane said:


> Snapchat is a *photo messaging application *developed by Stanford University students. Using the app, users can take photos, record videos, add text and drawings, and send them to a controlled list of recipients. These sent photographs and videos are known as "Snaps". Users set a time limit for how long recipients can view their Snaps, ranging from up to 10 seconds to as little as 1 second, after which they will be hidden from the recipient's device and they are also deleted from snapchat server.
> 
> Founder Evan Spiegel explained that Snapchat is intended to counteract the trend of users being compelled to manage an idealized online identity of themselves, which he says has "taken all of the fun out of communicating". Snapchat can locate a user's friends through the user's smartphone contact list. *Research conducted in the UK has shown that, as of June 2013, half of all 18 to 30-year-old respondents (47 percent) have received nude pictures, while a further 67 percent had received images of "inappropriate poses or gestures."*
> 
> *The app's main demographic is users between 13 and 23 years of age, with a growing 40 years-and-over userbase as of October 2012. Snapchat is often used to send self-portraits, called "selfies,"* and 30 percent of Snaps are sent to groups. Spiegel revealed at the Dive Into Mobile conference in April 2013 that 80 percent of Snapchat's users are located in the US, while the remaining 20 percent are based outside of the US.


Might want to send this info to her and say this bothers you given your history. You can even say, "I trust you, but your EA has left me permanently paranoid."


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## In The Dark

Gabriel said:


> Ain't that the truth. This is exactly what cheating does. Same boat here. 2 years out from EA. Wife is very into social media, as are millions of other people.
> 
> This is our new reality. We can't forbid our spouses from using stuff like this. Know why? Because in 2 months there will be a new app everyone is using. It never ends.
> 
> At some point, you either have to trust she won't do it again, or come to grips with this being how your life is going to be.
> 
> Sucks, doesn't it?


Gabriel, I remember seeing your story around the same time as mine. Hope you are doing well. 

Things just have triggered/hit me last week. I saw the OM last week for the first time in a while at a local convenience store. Was chatting with a friend of mine at the check out counter and he walked up behind us. Then he saw me and pretended to need something else and walked to the back of the store. 

Then this app and the freeing up of her weekend. It all sucks. 

One thing that bothered me was her telling me about the app. I liked that she told me but she's downloaded other apps without telling me. I don't know how to properly phrase this but it seemed a bit like a production. In case I ever checked the phone and saw it there. Maybe I'm just overreading everything. 

Was hoping there might be a way to monitor this to see if there is something up but don't know if you can. I know this may sound stupid to some but during her EA, I approached her for an honest conversation about some red flag things and was lied to my face. I love northerbelle's idea to approach my wife with an honest conversation about this but that prior experience leads me to want to choose a different approach. If it is unmonitorable, then a conversation can be had. 

I hate how this is still affecting me two years out.


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## Gabriel

In The Dark said:


> Gabriel, I remember seeing your story around the same time as mine. Hope you are doing well.
> 
> Things just have triggered/hit me last week. I saw the OM last week for the first time in a while at a local convenience store. Was chatting with a friend of mine at the check out counter and he walked up behind us. Then he saw me and pretended to need something else and walked to the back of the store.
> 
> Then this app and the freeing up of her weekend. It all sucks.
> 
> One thing that bothered me was her telling me about the app. I liked that she told me but she's downloaded other apps without telling me. I don't know how to properly phrase this but it seemed a bit like a production. In case I ever checked the phone and saw it there. Maybe I'm just overreading everything.
> 
> Was hoping there might be a way to monitor this to see if there is something up but don't know if you can. I know this may sound stupid to some but during her EA, I approached her for an honest conversation about some red flag things and was lied to my face. I love northerbelle's idea to approach my wife with an honest conversation about this but that prior experience leads me to want to choose a different approach. If it is unmonitorable, then a conversation can be had.
> 
> I hate how this is still affecting me two years out.


Totally get it. My wife lied to my face so many times, it was ridiculous. But yet, we are supposed to completely trust them now. Okay.

Funny thing is, my wife is quite good to me. At this stage, I'm not trying that hard to find stuff. But if I do find out at some time that I'm being snowed, again, I will be out and won't look back. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying her and being a family.

I don't think asking her will work. Just tell her what you've heard about the app, give her Will Kane's info, and say you would rather she didn't have it on her phone, due to what happened before. That this app, in particular, makes it too tempting and easy for ANYBODY to sneak around.


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## Refuse to be played

If its not a work company phone but a personal one you could always put a spy app on it. Monitor her calls, text, pics, email, browser history, and contacts. Can see what apps are on her phone and block them. Plus use the GPS to get her location even if the phone is off and environmental listening which lets you listen to whats happening in the room.

I using VARs get tedious over an extended period of time. With the spy app, keylogger, and GPS tracker on her car I'm pretty secure.


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## The Middleman

Gabriel said:


> This is our new reality. We can't forbid our spouses from using stuff like this. Know why? Because in 2 months there will be a new app everyone is using. It never ends.


Gabriel, forgive me because it's not my intention to be confrontational, but who said you can't? You most certainly can "forbid" a spouse, who has proven themselves untrustworthy via infidelity, from using an app like Snapchat. It's a condition of the reconciliation. Then the ball is in their court ... the marriage or the App. People convicted of sex offenses are not allowed near certain places as terms of their probation; why can't WS's not be allowed near social media as a term of their reconciliation? It all depends on how firm you want to be with your boundaries.



Gabriel said:


> Might want to send this info to her and say this bothers you given your history. You can even say, "I trust you, but your EA has left me permanently paranoid."


:iagree:This the correct attitude ... just be a little firmer.



In The Dark said:


> Was hoping there might be a way to monitor this to see if there is something up but don't know if you can. I know this may sound stupid to some but during her EA, I approached her for an honest conversation about some red flag things and was lied to my face. I love northerbelle's idea to approach my wife with an honest conversation about this but that prior experience leads me to want to choose a different approach. If it is unmonitorable, then a conversation can be had.
> 
> I hate how this is still affecting me two years out.


*You can not be afraid of her reaction to what is more than a reasonable request* given her past history. You more than anyone else should know that in order to save or keep a marriage, you have to be willing to loose it. This is part of the T's and C's of your reconciliation. If she is truly remorseful, she will understand. If she doesn't understand, then you have bigger problems. Don't be foolish, ask her to delete it.


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## Gabriel

The Middleman said:


> Gabriel, forgive me because it's not my intention to be confrontational, but who said you can't? You most certainly can "forbid" a spouse, who has proven themselves untrustworthy via infidelity, from using an app like Snapchat. It's a condition of the reconciliation. Then the ball is in their court ... the marriage or the App. People convicted of sex offenses are not allowed near certain places as terms of their probation; why can't WS's not be allowed near social media as a term of their reconciliation? It all depends on how firm you want to be with your boundaries.
> 
> 
> :iagree:This the correct attitude ... just be a little firmer.
> 
> 
> *You can not be afraid of her reaction to what is more than a reasonable request* given her past history. You more than anyone else should know that in order to save or keep a marriage, you have to be willing to loose it. This is part of the T's and C's of your reconciliation. If she is truly remorseful, she will understand. If she doesn't understand, then you have bigger problems. Don't be foolish, ask her to delete it.


No offense taken. My point was that you really can't "stop" it all. Apps, social media sites, etc, etc, are absolutely everywhere and a huge part of our society. In general, it's not reasonable to ask someone to not use them. However, this Snapchat one is particularly troublesome, and now that I am educated on it I see no issue in forbidding that one in particular.

Just a couple of years ago, it was just Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin. Now we have Vine, Snapchat, Kik, Instagram, etc, etc, and there will just be more and more of them.


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## MattMatt

Actually, this might be useful for my wife and I. She likes to send photos of our pets to me via email. I'll have to check it out.


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## MattMatt

Actually, this might be useful for my wife and I. She likes to send photos of our pets to me via email. (They are really cute pets!) I'll have to check it out.


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## 6301

I think you just hit the nail on the head. You said in one of your posts that you approached your wife for a honest conversation about some red flags and she lied to your face. So now if you ask her about this new app and how it makes you uncomfortable and she gets pissed about it, your within your rights to look the woman square in the eye in a manner that she knows that you mean business and tell her "WE ALREADY WENT DOWN THIS ROAD ONCE BEFORE AND YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND LIED TO ME. YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK? THEN DON'T GIVE ME ANY REASON TO BE SUSPECT AND THIS MAKES ME SUSPECT AND IF YOU WON'T COMPLY TO IT THEN I SUSPECT THAT YOU'LL SOON BE OUT THE DOOR REAL QIUCK" If she doesn't get the message then maybe she isn't as sincere about making the marriage work. She has to be the one to prove that she want's it to work, not you. Let her know that too.


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## The Middleman

6301 said:


> "WE ALREADY WENT DOWN THIS ROAD ONCE BEFORE AND YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND LIED TO ME. YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK? THEN DON'T GIVE ME ANY REASON TO BE SUSPECT AND THIS MAKES ME SUSPECT AND IF YOU WON'T COMPLY TO IT THEN I SUSPECT THAT YOU'LL SOON BE OUT THE DOOR REAL QIUCK"


This is exactly what I was talking about. You do it this way.


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## In The Dark

Refuse to be played said:


> If its not a work company phone but a personal one you could always put a spy app on it. Monitor her calls, text, pics, email, browser history, and contacts. Can see what apps are on her phone and block them. Plus use the GPS to get her location even if the phone is off and environmental listening which lets you listen to whats happening in the room.
> 
> I using VARs get tedious over an extended period of time. With the spy app, keylogger, and GPS tracker on her car I'm pretty secure.


It is a personal phone but won't I have to jailbreak her phone to put a spy app on it? Don't know if that will work. I'm not technically savvy so if there is something that can be downloaded without jailbreaking the phone, that may work.

Was wondering if anybody had ever caught a spouse using Snapchat via spywear?


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## In The Dark

*You can not be afraid of her reaction to what is more than a reasonable request* given her past history. You more than anyone else should know that in order to save or keep a marriage, you have to be willing to loose it. This is part of the T's and C's of your reconciliation. If she is truly remorseful, she will understand. If she doesn't understand, then you have bigger problems. Don't be foolish, ask her to delete it.[/QUOTE]

I'm not afraid of her reaction. I guess I'm more in hunt mode. If I approach her and tell her to remove it, I'm pretty sure she'll remove it. But then I may not find out what, if anything, she is doing with it. She may not be doing anything with the app. She may be sexting OM or 50 other guys with it right now. I don't know. It just seems suspicious so I want to verify without telling her. Was hoping for advice on that, specifically with this app. Again, if it can't be monitored, then I'll tell her to remove it and why. 

I just know that two years ago, I was clueless, was lied to and things were hidden from me. I bungled that up pretty good last time. I'm more patient now, even if I'm chasing a wild goose.


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## LoveAtDaisys

As of right now, everything I have read says that Snapchat cannot be recovered; the only way people are "caught" with it is if the recipient rats them out.


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## The Middleman

LoveAtDaisys said:


> As of right now, everything I have read says that Snapchat cannot be recovered; the only way people are "caught" with it is if the recipient rats them out.


That's exactly what I heard. If I saw Snapchat on my wife's phone, I'd disconnect ther service immediately, no matter what she said she was using it for, until she agreed to take the app off. This is a program that was developed for "nefarious chatting"! Otherwise anyone can use Skype instead.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I snapchat with my kids. You only can view the photos and short messages for up to 10 seconds and that is it. There is no way to monitor what photos go out unless she saves them.


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## Refuse to be played

In The Dark said:


> It is a personal phone but won't I have to jailbreak her phone to put a spy app on it? Don't know if that will work. I'm not technically savvy so if there is something that can be downloaded without jailbreaking the phone, that may work.
> 
> Was wondering if anybody had ever caught a spouse using Snapchat via spywear?


Me and the wife both have the Galaxy S4. Its pretty pretty easy and quick to install on them. I'm assuming you have an iPhone? They do need to be jailbroken first. It isn't hard, it just takes a while. I'll PM you some links.


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## MrK

In The Dark said:


> I went on a trip this weekend with my son while my daughter was staying behind with my wife. I then learned my mother-in-law came and got my daughter for the weekend giving my wife a weekend by herself.


Screw the Snapchat, what's with this? When did you find out? How did you find out? Did wifey tell you what she did with a free weekend?


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## Chaparral

When did you find out about the grandparents taking the kids?


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## In The Dark

My son and I left Friday afternoon to fly out of town. Found out once we arrived that my mother in law was keeping my daughter that night. Found out Saturday that she was going to keep my daughter again that night. It's not uncommon that my mother in law will do this(she lives just five minutes away from us). However, I am normally in town when this happens. Just didn't like the timing combined with the snapchat. Just got my mind racing about having a free opportunity to use it. 

My wife said she slept late, cleaned and ran errands. I do know she went to a nephews birthday party and did have my daughter during the day on Saturday some. 

I wonder if there is a way to tell if the snapchat has been used. Not necessarily the content which appears to be unrecoverable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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