# Why is Low Sex Drive Bad?



## Della (May 13, 2009)

I am interested in hearing your thoughts on why "low sex drive" is a bad thing? There are lots of programs and books out there on how to improve/revive/increase a man/woman's sex drive. Why can't there be something out there to decrease a high libido?

My husband and I have had this ongoing discussion for most of our 14 years of marriage. We have sex often (at least 3x a week), but when I want a break, he starts talking about how I need to "fix" my problem.

I am asking because I just found out my husband was unfaithful because he felt he wasn't getting enough at home. I've already posted on the "Infidelity" board.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well Della, there is no perfect answer. I would say 3X a week is normal or higher then the average couple.

My wife and I both have high libido's....been that way for 20 years. But there are times were we take breaks.

I answered you other posts, but how often does your husband want sex? He just may be a sex addict, since he caved and went to a hooker. While I have a extremely high libido, if the wife says no...well then it is masturbation for me and I am good or we will do something else. 

I never contemplated a hooker or another woman. The week my wife has her "friend" is the longest week for me as well. She has a toy for when I am not in the mood and she is.

You said in your other thread your starting counseling, that is great, maybe he can learn to realize that you can not handle 7 days a week, that it is not your "problem" 3 times a week is average or better.

He needs to learn to have his release either via Porn, fantasy or other "solo" methods without going somewhere else. Maybe you can help him out with a "home movie" that he can watch?

My wife has a few video's for me, they are far better then any porn movie. Ever think of doing some role playing and taping a video for your hubby to watch alone? 

Della the naughty french maid? Della The Naughty nurse? etc?

When my wife is not in the mood and I am, a fantasy about her usually gets me off and I don't "bother her"

Something to think about, but alos he needs help with his sex addiction, to go to a hooker is a big issue...he has, not you.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Hi Della.

IMO

A low sex drive, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It's when there is a big difference between partners' drives that there is a problem.

When a couple has far different drives, I think that both should work to find a compromise acceptable to each. Yes...that means you might have to work at increasing the frequency you'd like sex. AND...it means your partner needs to reduce his demands until a happy medium is reached.

So it's not that there is something about "you" to fix. 

In my case, I'd LOVE to have sex 3 or so times a week. My wife...gives the impression that she's perfectly happy with once or twice a year...and then only to shut me up. (Probably not true...but that's what it feels like to me) Ideally...we could work at it so that we are both happier. 

I feel for you, and what you're going through now. What he did was IMO inexcusable. But don't think it's because of a problem with you sex drive. A couple's sex life is a compromise between BOTH partners.


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## Della (May 13, 2009)

So what's the difference between a sex addict vs. a high libido?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

To answer your question I would say porn. Sex addicts look for outlets in other places than with the SO. I use to watch too much porn and also had too many fantasys. I made some changes and no longer masturbate to any porn. I only have sex with the wife. My sexual drive actually decreased to her level at this point.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Della said:


> So what's the difference between a sex addict vs. a high libido?


I'd have to say destructive behavior.

When the desire/need for sex, or sexual activity becomes the focal point in a person's life, to the detriment of the rest.

When that person tries to stop destructive sexual behaviors but cannot.

A high libido is fine. Letting that libido drive your life...is addiction.

I don't think it's about porn. Although porn provides a convenient outlet for an addict to continue or deepen the destructive pattern.

That said...having a higher libido than your partner is frustrating. It's like standing at a fence....seeing a gourmet meal spread out before you. You can see it...you can smell it..you can almost taste it. But it's there...just out of reach...and not matter how you try, you can't have it...until...later...Gaaaah!!!!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree: with downbutnotout.

The difference is the behavior, not porn.

As I said I can watch porn....If I watch it longer then 10 minutes I get bored, but I could masturbate to thoughts of my wife 10X a day if I wanted to.

I am clearly addicted to my wife's body. :smthumbup:

But a sex addict can't control his impulses...IE the hooker.

as much as I want to have my wife 24/7 I never ventured out of our relationship....ever.

he needs counseling on this matter.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Della-

At 3 times a week, although it's less than I would like, it's hardly short rations. However, quantity is one thing, but quality is quite another. How much of a connection is there when you two are at it? For me quality is more important than quantity, although I like to have both.

For a lot of people, quality of sex can only be reached after every other impediment had been removed from the relationship. For women these impediments often take the form of resentment.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

watching too much porn for me scewed my thoughts as to what is normal for woman. I wondered why my wife was not as sexual as the woman I was watching. I wanted her to be like a porn star at the time. She was offended that I was watching other woman and getting excited. The cure was to stop watching other woman and getting excited all the time. Because I was always feeling rejected with my wife I stopped asking her I would just watch a movie and take care of my needs myself. That lowered her desire even more but I didnt care because I had my movies. Talk about emotioinal disconnect that was a snow ball runnning down hill. The more movies I watched caused her less desire and the less desire she had the more movies I watched. Then came the internet and I could find live woman to chat with that was better than movies. Oh the crash was ugly and I deserved the wake up call I was about to get.

I feel for you. I hope you work things out.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

that's sad, when are people going to realize that in porn movies a 5 min clip is like "20 takes" and pure crap.....no one can last that long....they are spliced and put together.

tht is why I rather watch a "home video" it's real.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> that's sad, when are people going to realize that in porn movies a 5 min clip is like "20 takes" and pure crap.....no one can last that long....


With training, most guys can last 30 minutes.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

To make an anology, porn is like a gun. It can be a great thing and it can be a bad thing. Its all in how it is used. I understand that there are different kinds of porn as there are different kinds of guns but I'll defend the general statement.

DownButNotOut - hits the addiction questions perfectly. Addicts can not control their behavior. They loose their jobs because they are late for meetings or not completing work on time because of the addiction. They dont show up for the kids ball game because of the addiction. They choose the addiction over their partner. They say then can stop but they cant. Someone with a high labido would rather be sharing with their partner but if they are rejected often they will eventually find other outlets....

30 minutes is not that long really....its all about where your head (brain) is.


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