# Husband says one thing, but does another



## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Ok, so I know that some if not all of you are going to say I am in the wrong here. Maybe if it's true I need to hear it. I love my husband more than anything and he is more important to me than this person to anyone other than my offspring. 
I have had a friend, a male friend, for fifteen or so years. Before I started dating DH. DH and I have known each other our whole lives. It is completely platonic, nothing between us. I need to say, however, that he is a publicly known person, attractive, "my type" where my husband isn't my normal type. Muscular, tattooed everywhere, a serious badass with a job to match. I love the guy, I can tell him anything. His wife and I are friends, she's awesome. She's as inked as he is, and a freaking model. He lives far away so it's mostly a long distance friendship, I don't see him often, which is where the problem comes in. He is coming within like 4 hours of my home for work, near where I have family. I want to go see him so badly!!! My husband is giving me every excuse on why I can't go, even though he goes six hours out of town once a month to go fishing. He swears he is fine with our friendship and trusts that I could never be anything but platonic with him, if we had met and I wasn't married and he wasn't married, (to different people at the time but just the same), maybe it would have been different, but it wasn't and now we could never look at each other that way. I don't think he believes me. I talked with DH today about it, he forbid it, and now I'm sitting here mad, but feeling guilty because I started crying and feel like I played the girl card even though I didn't mean to, I couldn't help it. I miss my friend. I want to be able to give him a hug, go to the shooting range with him, and just hang out for a couple days. He also wants to meet my very elderly grandfather, who is like my favorite relative and happens to love my friend and would love to get the chance to meet him. Most people have heard of my friend, but no, I am not saying who he is because he is a very private person. (Everyone asks, so I always put that out there). Am I wrong for wanting to see him? Why would my husband not trust me, if he knows it's not like that and that I have NEVER given him any reason not to trust me, ever. I will also put in here that his wife has no problem with it, other than she can't be there to finally meet me and hang out. She has no issue with us, and she gets very jealous of other women. She just knows we r just friend zone material. 


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

Wanting to see him is fine. If your husband does not want you to go that is also understandable. Maybe you & your husband can go. You will both get to see your family too. When your husband goes fishing he isn't going with a woman who is his type is he? Respect your marriage and your husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be so understanding of your H friendship with someone of the opposite sex?
I think you should put your H and marriage first.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

No he isn't it's with his uncle. He can't go due to work or he would.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

aine said:


> If the shoe was on the other foot would you be so understanding of your H friendship with someone of the opposite sex?
> 
> I think you should put your H and marriage first.




Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You are wrong. The end.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


how convenient....for you.

If I throw up a roadblock, a caution sign....you will throw up a detour, a sign with the Alfred E. Newman logo on it. "What, me Worry?"

You cannot convince us. Give it up.

You cannot convince yourself...when the tats hit the road.

Hit the assfault flesh of your breasts in a tight embrace.

You may not make the first move on your long lost pal. 

In the heat of firing your hormones on the heady range, you will not a single roadblock throw at his eager ****.

Tempt the Devil, not. He will have you in his balls eye target. 

And your furry target's straw-backing will be penetrated. He will have you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.


I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting to see a long time friend. And your husband's a complete jackass, letting HIS insecurities dictate a longtime friendship you've had to the point of 'forbidding' you to go.

Good thing _you're _not an insecure jackass or you would have *forbidden HIM to visit HIS female friend. *I love how everyone says you're so 'wrong,'' yet your husband did the same exact THING. Funny how that works. Quite honestly, I'd tell your husband to get over his childish insecurity and go see your friend.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Ty I wasn't to happy when someone said that it was convenient. No not really! It's his cousins exwife who he helped get back out dating again. I'd say I was pretty trusting TBH! I mean if I'm wrong I don't mind being told that, but geez people be nice!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

It's your choice. He can forbid you but not stop you! However, you have to decide - is seeing your friend worth causing a rift between you and your husband? 

"I love my husband more than anything and he is more important to me than this person to anyone other than my offspring." It seems this is your answer.

This -

"Muscular, tattooed everywhere, a serious badass with a job to match. I love the guy, I can tell him anything. "

and this

"f we had met and I wasn't married and he wasn't married, (to different people at the time but just the same), maybe it would have been different,"

Are why your husband does not want you to go. Where there is a spark there is a possible combustion, under the right conditions.


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If this is the case why didn't you mention this in your OP? You mentioned that he went out of town fishing. I think you are grasping for straws now


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm one who thinks opposite sex friends are playing with fire, so we don't have opposite sex friends. I'd agree with your husband, but he has a female friend he's gone to see, so yeah. If it was ok for him, it's​ ok for you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I have a female best friend who I have known a lot longer than my gf. There has never been anything sexual between us and my gf knows that six months ago we had to share a bed in a hotel. 
Then again she's gay.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Did he travel there specifically to see her and spend the night (or nights) away from you just to see her?

What you present suggests that he was in the area so he spent time with his friend. Your plan is to travel 4 hours away and spent a night (or 2 nights?) away from your husband so you can see your friend. Those sound like 2 very different scenarios.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Did he travel there specifically to see her and spend the night (or nights) away from you just to see her?
> 
> What you present suggests that he was in the area so he spent time with his friend. Your plan is to travel 4 hours away and spent a night (or 2 nights?) away from your husband so you can see your friend. Those sound like 2 very different scenarios.


And is this female friend "his type" which is different from your type which is not his type? And is she his awesome in every way who he might have married had the circumstances been different?


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

This is a tough one, for both of you. I do have a very close female friend, my wife knows about her and our relationship, but I also know that no matter what she tells me about it that she's still not 100% comfortable with it. At the same time she also has a very close male friend that I've also known almost as long as she has. I know there's nothing between them just as she knows there's nothing between myself and my friend. Personally I think it's a good thing to have a close friend of the opposite sex, it helps get a different perspective on things sometimes. But, if your husband doesn't want you to go see this guy by yourself for whatever the reason, you need to respect that if you respect your marriage. It's one thing if you were traveling to see family and got together with your friend but if you're traveling specifically to see your friend, then I can see why your husband may feel a little uncomfortable about it


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Can you honestly say you have no sexual attraction to this guy at all? 

Actually it does not matter what any of us think. The only person that should matter to you is your husband. He is not comfortable with what you want to do. Right now you are not exactly happy with your husband and your sexual life. So maybe that is making him feel more insecure right now. Perhaps a compromise can be worked out where you and your husband meet your friend half way for dinner or something.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

mary35 said:


> It's your choice. He can forbid you but not stop you! However, you have to decide - is seeing your friend worth causing a rift between you and your husband?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I can understand what u r saying. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable but I guess I'm hurt he doesn't trust me.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Penny905 said:


> If this is the case why didn't you mention this in your OP? You mentioned that he went out of town fishing. I think you are grasping for straws now




No not grasping, just didn't think about it until someone asked. I'm not making excuses just giving facts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mary35 said:


> This -
> 
> "Muscular, tattooed everywhere, a serious badass with a job to match. I love the guy, I can tell him anything. "
> 
> ...


Nothing better than this can be said.

Your H is right not to want you to go. You secretly - or perhaps not so secretly? - wish HE was your husband. What would happen if you went, and you two ended up alone at a bar at the end of the night, everyone else had gone home, and he confessed that he's secretly always wanted you? Would you resist? Not likely. He's everything you always wanted, _your type_, what you're attracted to. 

If you can't meet up with him with your husband around, you don't go. Unless you just want to divorce and get it over with so you can be available.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> I can understand what u r saying. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable but I guess I'm hurt he doesn't trust me.


With more than a 50% divorce rate, do you blame him? Spouses are expendable, apparently.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Did he travel there specifically to see her and spend the night (or nights) away from you just to see her?
> 
> What you present suggests that he was in the area so he spent time with his friend. Your plan is to travel 4 hours away and spent a night (or 2 nights?) away from your husband so you can see your friend. Those sound like 2 very different scenarios.




Yes u r right, they are. He was on her area to work, but stayed the weekend to spend time. He stayed instead of coming home but it's still different. Staying gave him more time to rest instead of driving many hours home


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> And is this female friend "his type" which is different from your type which is not his type? And is she his awesome in every way who he might have married had the circumstances been different?




Truthfully I have no idea. I've never met her, never spoken to her. I only know he speaks fondly of her being a good person that didn't deserve what his cousin did to her. 


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Remee,

One thing you wrote which stuck out is that “I can talk to him about anything”, if this implies that you talk to him about things you feel uncomfortable or unnatural telling your H then that in itself is an issue.

The emotional intimacy created by close conversation is the start of many affairs, and although you love your H you are more attracted to this friend and possibly have demoted your H from lover to something less. This friend provides for you the 20% your H does not provide for you, and is the person you have true romantic feelings for. Your H may know or feel this and it is very painful when your H is alone and you are with this friend. Your H feels like he is your backup guy or second choice.

Your H may also have noticed that your enthusiasm for sex with H either increases or decrease when you communicate with or see this “friend”, men pick up on small changes in sexual behavior on their wives part almost immediately. 

Tamat


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Can you honestly say you have no sexual attraction to this guy at all?
> 
> 
> 
> Actually it does not matter what any of us think. The only person that should matter to you is your husband. He is not comfortable with what you want to do. Right now you are not exactly happy with your husband and your sexual life. So maybe that is making him feel more insecure right now. Perhaps a compromise can be worked out where you and your husband meet your friend half way for dinner or something.




Good idea, I will discuss this with him tonight. 


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Yes u r right, they are. He was on her area to work, but stayed the weekend to spend time. He stayed instead of coming home but it's still different. Staying gave him more time to rest instead of driving many hours home
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Although not exactly the same, this reminds me of a big disagreement I had with my partner early on in the relationship. We were long distance because I was school in another country. My ex was coming on a 2-day business trip and asked if it would be ok to stay the night as I had an extra bedroom and hotels are extremely expensive. I thought sure, why not? We had had an amicable break-up and I had lost all sexual interest in him prior to the break up so I thought there was no harm. My partner blew up when I asked, never seen that upset to this day. I felt extremely offended that he didn't trust me and thought he was being ridiculous because my ex is very respectful of our relationship and there was zero possibility of anything sexual. Plus I wasn't really interested in catching up as much as I just thought it would be a waste to spend money when my roommate and I had an extra room and she had no issues with him staying a night. I was so upset with my partner that I was willing to break up with him just to prove that I wouldn't put up with him being "controlling" and being able to tell me what to do. Ultimately I agreed not to have him over not because I felt he was right but only because I decided that it was more important that I not do something that my partner was uncomfortable with and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want him to respect my views.

Now I realize how absolutely absurd my thinking was back then. It's not about whether one partner trusts the other, it's about respecting boundaries with members of the opposite sex and simply avoiding situations that have a strong potential to lead to regrettable interactions. I think it's best to just avoid putting one's partner in any situation where he/she is legitimately concerned about the possibility of infidelity. 

We've seen time and again, here on TAM, where posters have been married for eons with no history of infidelity, no trust issues and they could not even fathom the possibility of cheating on their partner or that the partner they knew so well could cheat on them. Yet they end up here, in the infidelity section.

When you have something good going, with so much invested, it is just not worth the risk.

Are there any legitimate risks associated with not visiting your friend? Nope. Are there any legitimate risks associated with visiting your friend? Absolutely.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You really can't say this is a platonic relationship if you're bonkers about him. Face it, it's not a good idea to go see this guy alone because you never know what could happen, you would be jeopardizing both your marriages. I don't blame your H for not wanting to let you go, I agree with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Yes, he has a female friend. When he traveled for work he went and hung out with her. I trusted him, didn't mind.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Why does your H have such an aversion to you meeting this friend? Have you talked about it?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Can you honestly say you have no sexual attraction to this guy at all?
> 
> 
> 
> Actually it does not matter what any of us think. The only person that should matter to you is your husband. He is not comfortable with what you want to do. Right now you are not exactly happy with your husband and your sexual life. So maybe that is making him feel more insecure right now. Perhaps a compromise can be worked out where you and your husband meet your friend half way for dinner or something.




He is nice to look at, I'm not blind, but any thought of doing anything remotely sexual with him would be like being sexual with a cousin or something. The love I have for him is one of friendship, when I see him and we hug, not thinking oh he smells nice or that tone body feels nice. I'm thinking it's been too long since I had time to spend time with my buddy who has my sense of humor, who taught me to defend myself against my ex-husband, and what new adventure we r going to go on this time! 
I have read and reread most of these replies, save for the couple just plain rude ones. I am going to see if we can work out meeting half way together and having dinner. Maybe I can convince DH to go to the shooting range or rock climbing (doubt the last two. He's not that adventurous) but I can hope. DH is just too important and I don't want him to be uncomfortable or hurt. I do want to know why he doesn't trust me, and as *****y as this sounds, he's not seeing his cousins ex again, what's good for the goose...
I know he will say "I trust u I just don't trust him, but I feel that statement is just a cop out and bull****. I've been faithful, he has all my passwords to everything, we have find my iPhone, and I tell him where I go every time I leave the house. I don't mind doing any of that, I have nothing to hide. He can read all of my conversations with anyone, and I don't have headphones on when we FaceTime, so DH can hear everything. I hide nothing from him, I have no reason to. But he is the love of my life, and if obviously many people think I'm doing wrong, then I'm not doing this. My marriage is just too damned important to me, as are my husbands feelings. Thank most of you for helping me put my priorities in check. I'm sad, so sad. Crying actually writing this because I know I won't see him again. I've grown very attached to "L" and go to him about practically everything for advise and emotional support. He does the same. When his ex wife left him, and he was in a really dark place, we talked for many hours and I helped him decide that he should move for a fresh start, where he met his current, wonderful loving wife. I've never seen him so happy, and I am proud that I helped that happen. We will always be friends but I guess seeing him is just off the table. This ****ing sucks 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not that he doesn't trust you. It's that he is a man, and he knows what men are like, so he doesn't trust your friend. See it here all.the.time. It is NOT a copout. IDK if you've been around a lot of men in your life, but I have, and they DO think with their other brain and they DO succumb to temptation. All the time.

And I still don't understand why you can't invite this friend to your house so you can all hang out together? Never see him again? Dramatic much?

Most importantly,


> I've grown very attached to "L" and go to him about practically everything for advise and emotional support.


These are words you should be saying about your HUSBAND, not your male best friend.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> It's not that he doesn't trust you. It's that he is a man, and he knows what men are like, so he doesn't trust your friend. See it here all.the.time. It is NOT a copout. IDK if you've been around a lot of men in your life, but I have, and they DO think with their other brain and they DO succumb to temptation. All the time.
> 
> And I still don't understand why you can't invite this friend to your house so you can all hang out together? Never see him again? Dramatic much?
> 
> ...




Ok first off, no I am not dramatic. He does not come close enough to come to my house, and I am choosing to forgo seeing him for my husbands comfort. So dramatic my ass. I know that's what my husband desires. I know what he will say when I ask him to join us, he won't. So that's that. Do u know my husband and I am not aware of it? Do u know something about my marriage that I don't? When I ask DH to come with me, he will say he can't, doesn't want to, it's too much trouble, he will feel uncomfortable...I could give ten more possible answers, but none of them are going to be "sure let's go together." As for what I say to my husband? I think me going to my husband and talking to him about himself and ask for advice about him that would be a bit stupid don't u think? I confide in my husband about everything I can but I'm sorry having only my husband to vent to, to talk to, to confide in, makes my world all encompassed by him. Sorry but everyone needs a friend for an outlet. My husband can't be my end all be all in my life it's not healthy. He has people to confide in, to talk to about our marriage and to ask advice when needed. If you think that just because u r married u no longer should have anyone else in your life other than your spouse u r going to get lonely and resentful over time. I deserve to be able to have friends so does he. Sometimes I don't understand my husband, men are not always easy to understand and sometimes I need a male perspective to help me understand. What's wrong with that? DH goes to his female friend and confides in her when confiding in me just isn't prudent or possible. To get a females point of view, to get a different perspective on things. Advice on how to approach an argument or to simply understand me. So by your description of men my husband is incapable of controlling himself and not being sexual In anyway with his female friend? So should I worry he cheated on me when he saw her? I don't, he's faithful, he isn't a walking penis either. Apparently u think married life should be one of solidarity and the giving up of everyone in your life before your marriage? As for men being unable to have female friends because they want to **** every woman they r around, that's a crock of ****. "L" is in love with his wife. He is faithful, loving, and swoons over her. He tells me how beautiful she is, how loving she is. How lucky he is to have found her. He and I have been alone, with every opportunity to betray our spouses, not one damned thing happened. He never has been inappropriate towards me. So no, not all men r pigs, my DH is faithful to me, and he has had ample opportunity to cheat on me, to be inappropriate. He too can keep his **** where it belongs. U r wrong. Plain and simple. Sure, some men r incapable of controlling themselves, I'm sorry if men in ur life can't control themselves. Seems like u surround itself with inferior men. U talk as if all men r nothing but walking penises, they aren't. I feel sorry for u that u have such a low regards for men. So cynical. It comes down to this. My DH is not secure with himself. He doesn't realize that though he isn't my typical type, his body isn't perfect (neither is mine but he says I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, even after three kids and being 35), but he is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. There is no other man I desire, and I would never let anyone else make advances toward me. So trust "L" or not, he should trust me. My husband knew going into this marriage he was my friend. He knew I require others in my life to talk to other than him. He needs the same! I'm not exactly an easy woman to understand all the time, sometimes he needs a woman's ability to explain to him why I react the way I do, where I'm coming from, because men don't always get women and vice versa. So I will continue to talk to my friend, FaceTime, text, etc. it is obvious that DH isn't confident enough in himself to let me see him. So I will respect that, however much it hurts. No matter what I tell him, he won't trust "L", nothing I can do, but he should trust him. He should see in my eyes that I love him with every fiber of my being and would never let any man touch me, talk inappropriately towards me, or be in any way anything but a friend. No ones perfect, and I have to accept my DH for who he is, and that means giving up seeing one of the closest people to me. It's heartbreaking, but DH is worth that and more. Ok I'm done rambling, going in circles, and going on and on. 


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Why does your H have such an aversion to you meeting this friend? Have you talked about it?




Well, I've tried. I think it's a self esteem issue. For some reason DH doesn't think he is attractive (he so is, I could go on and on). "L" is very obviously attractive, women are always hitting on him or worse. There are pages strictly dedicated to him, how hot he is, with scores of pictures of him. We laugh about them, personally "L" doesn't get what the fuss is about. It embarrasses him, and wishes these weren't out there. But being who he is, not much he can do about it, so he rolls with it. This makes DH feel that if they were to meet I would somehow suddenly find my friend more attractive and that would change my desire for DH. Never in a million years. A side by side isn't going to change my feelings of nothing but friendship toward "L" and absolute lust and love toward DH. I'm not shallow! I. Only have eyes for my wonderful hubby. I want nothing more than him to realize how wonderful he is inside and out. I want him to have the self confidence to stand side by side with my friend and know that I am only looking at him. I want them to shake hands, have a beer or two, hang out, get to know one another and be friends themselves. We could go out, both couples when the chance comes around, and have a great time. That would be so great, but it's just not gonna happen. I'm just being realistic, and accepting my man for who he is. That's what spouses do, I won't force my husband to change. This is what it is, and thank you to all that have helped me understand all this. 


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Remee,
> 
> One thing you wrote which stuck out is that “I can talk to him about anything”, if this implies that you talk to him about things you feel uncomfortable or unnatural telling your H then that in itself is an issue.
> 
> ...




I can understand why you would think some of these things. I can talk to him about anything, but I don't talk to him about things I can't talk to DH about, I just mean that I can talk to him about a problem with DH and he can tell me the male side of it and help me resolve stuff, and we basically just can have a convo about anything, ok almost anything. I suppose there may be subjects I couldn't talk with anyone about but just haven't thought about that. It isn't like I talk to him about things I can't talk to DH about so I go to him. I just mean we r close and have tons in common. Sorry for the mix up there.
Second, no my DH is my lover, my confidant, my everything. Not demoted in the least bit! I truly have no romantic feelings toward "L" at all. He is a great friend but that's as far as it goes. Really and truly. I can see why people would think I do because I admit he is very attractive. That is just fact, not that I lust after him, I'm just not blind. I know he is my type, because I noticed that when we began talking, even before that, when I first saw him. It was a freak occurrence that we met, casually talked and ended up talking for hours before exchanging numbers before he left town. Why I was someone he struck up a convo with I don't know. I was at an event he was a part of and ran into him grabbing a coffee afterwards and said hi while waiting in line. It just went from there.
I rarely see "L" and when I do, DH is always busy doing something. This may have been the only request to see him when DH wasn't engaged elsewhere whether it be with friends, or work. 
I can't express to DH enough how much I love and care for him. I tell him every day. I don't take time out of us to talk with "L" other than an occasional text. I do talk to his wife in the evening every now and again but DH is usually playing his video game or something when I do. I don't interrupt quality time for anyone other than my kids.
My sex drive is always high, we have sex almost every day. I don't recall jumping him after talking with "L" or anything, like I said, I don't feel that way towards him so my sexual mood wouldn't increase after a talk with him. I don't have sexual thoughts or fantasies about him, he's my buddy. We talk about science, his work, our kids, our spouses, laugh when someone recognizes him and fan girls out on him. Or he vents when he can't go out to dinner with his wife without being interrupted for a picture with him. 
I will ask DH if he feels any of these things tonight though, just in case he feels any of this for some reason and I will make sure to correct any of these feelings. I don't think he feels them, I just think he's got insecurities about himself because he's not all mr. perfect body, tattoos, etc. I love DH just the way he is. I wouldn't change a thing. Ok he's thinking about getting a tattoo he saw and fell in love with and that would be great I love tattoos and have them myself, but if he didn't, I wouldn't care. I love every inch of him. I tell him that all the time.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I'm curious - since you talk to L about your husband and get advice from him - Have you talked to him about this situation and asked his take on your husbands stance? If so , what are his thoughts?

You seem to feel very strongly about this situation and that your husband is totally wrong and unjustified in how he feels. If you really feel that way then perhaps you should stand your ground and just go - especially if you won't be able to let this go and will harbor resentment towards your husband. Of course then you might have to deal with your husbands resentment towards you. Kind of a no win for you both. A compromise would be the best solution.

Good Luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I can talk to him about anything, but *I don't talk to him about things I can't talk to DH about*, I just mean that I can talk to him about a problem with DH and he can tell me the male side of it and *help me resolve stuff*


So...you don't say anything to him that you don't also say to your husband. Yet you go to him when you have problems with your husband. 

So which is it? Do you talk to your husband about your problems with him, or do you go to L and talk about it? Why can't you talk to your H about your problems with him? What would you do if you didn't have another man around?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, its clear from your responses that you're seething with resentment. Perhaps if you spent more time in the infidelity section, you would learn to appreciate your husband's position. All he's really trying to do is protect his relationship. I hope he stands strong and maintains his position in spite of your resentment and tit-for-tat approach to telling him he can't see his female friend. Ultimately, that's not going to make you feel any better. It's petty and I think deep down, you know this.

Nevertheless, there is way more value in a man who demands respect for his boundaries, than one who is quick to give in without realizing that the risks in doing so far outweigh the satisfaction it will bring to his wife in getting her way.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> I have had a friend, a male friend, for fifteen or so years... I love the guy, I can tell him anything.


This has EA written all over it. Your husband would be damned fool for not being concerned about this relationship. And from your description of the guy, this has potential PA written all over it. Again, your husband ought to be worried over your "friendship".



Remee81 said:


> He [the OM] is coming within like 4 hours of my home for work, near where I have family. I want to go see him so badly!!! My husband is giving me every excuse on why I can't go, even though he goes six hours out of town once a month to go fishing.


Really? You're suggesting that you have no attraction (physical or emotional) for this guy, and think a 4 hour drive is a small distance to travel for this guy? I argue that your post strongly suggests you have some inappropriate feelings for him, and I think your husband should disallow the trip. I highly doubt he's fishing with some chick he has the hots for, and opens up his heart to. Gee wiz...



Remee81 said:


> I'm sitting here mad, but feeling guilty because I started crying and feel like I played the girl card even though I didn't mean to, I couldn't help it. I miss my friend. I want to be able to give him a hug, go to the shooting range with him, and just hang out for a couple days.


As I read more and more of this post, my skin is crawling. Not trying to be mean, but are you not seeing what you've written? You're describing an emotional outpouring over this guy, wanting to spend days with him, longing for physical contact. It's not good! These are things you should feel over your husband, not some "friend".



Remee81 said:


> Why would my husband not trust me, if he knows it's not like that and that I have NEVER given him any reason not to trust me, ever. I will also put in here that his wife has no problem with it, other than she can't be there to finally meet me and hang out.


My guess is that your husband found this very post on TAM, associated it with you, and it is his basis for not trusting you. You want to meet a guy you think is hot, clearly have feelings for, spend a few days with him, when your friend's wife is out of town? That's plenty not to trust, in my humble opinion.

My advice for you is to lose this friend; it seems very unhealthy for your marriage. Instead of spending days with your hot, emotionally-aware "friend", spend that time with your husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> He is nice to look at, I'm not blind, but any thought of doing anything remotely sexual with him would be like being sexual with a cousin or something. The love I have for him is one of friendship, when I see him and we hug, not thinking oh he smells nice or that tone body feels nice. I'm thinking it's been too long since I had time to spend time with my buddy who has my sense of humor, who taught me to defend myself against my ex-husband, and what new adventure we r going to go on this time!
> I have read and reread most of these replies, save for the couple just plain rude ones. I am going to see if we can work out meeting half way together and having dinner. Maybe I can convince DH to go to the shooting range or rock climbing (doubt the last two. He's not that adventurous) but I can hope. DH is just too important and I don't want him to be uncomfortable or hurt. I do want to know why he doesn't trust me, and as *****y as this sounds, he's not seeing his cousins ex again, what's good for the goose...
> I know he will say "I trust u I just don't trust him, but I feel that statement is just a cop out and bull****. I've been faithful, he has all my passwords to everything, we have find my iPhone, and I tell him where I go every time I leave the house. I don't mind doing any of that, I have nothing to hide. He can read all of my conversations with anyone, and I don't have headphones on when we FaceTime, so DH can hear everything. I hide nothing from him, I have no reason to. But he is the love of my life, and if obviously many people think I'm doing wrong, then I'm not doing this. My marriage is just too damned important to me, as are my husbands feelings. Thank most of you for helping me put my priorities in check. *I'm sad, so sad. Crying actually writing this because I know I won't see him again. I've grown very attached to "L" and go to him about practically everything for advise and emotional support. He does the same. When his ex wife left him, and he was in a really dark place, we talked for many hours and I helped him decide that he should move for a fresh start, where he met his current, wonderful loving wife.* I've never seen him so happy, and I am proud that I helped that happen. We will always be friends but I guess seeing him is just off the table. This ****ing sucks
> 
> ...


I know why your H doesn't want you meeting this guy. I bolded it above. YOu are too emotionally attached to this guy, danger zone in my opinion. 
Women and men function differently. If your H was as emotionally attached to his female friend, tells her everything, goes to her when he has problems, for advice, emotional support, very attached to her, etc (I have just written what you have in different words) how would you feel? Think about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I'm sad, so sad. Crying actually writing this because I know I won't see him again. I've grown very attached to "L" and go to him about practically everything for advise and emotional support. He does the same. When his ex wife left him, and he was in a really dark place, we talked for many hours and I helped him decide that he should move for a fresh start, where he met his current, wonderful loving wife.


If you read any threads here about emotional affairs (EAs), this is EXACTLY what the people in the affair would say about each other. Exactly. In fact, if I hunted, I could probably trot out about a dozen here who've said the same thing, verbatim. Especially the crying.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Ok, bottom line. My husband has forbid me to see him. He dos not think I was unfaithful emotionally or otherwise but is not allowing me to see him. Now he doesn't want me talking to him much either. This was a "you will under no circumstances" type thing, not a would u please type thing. So that's that. He put his foot Down so to speak so that's the end of it, I won't be going, and talking to him will be less frequent.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's good news for your marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Remee81 said:


> Ok, bottom line. My husband has forbid me to see him. He dos not think I was unfaithful emotionally or otherwise but is not allowing me to see him. Now he doesn't want me talking to him much either. This was a "you will under no circumstances" type thing, not a would u please type thing. So that's that. He put his foot Down so to speak so that's the end of it, I won't be going, and talking to him will be less frequent.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good for him. Respect his feelings on this. You were not including him, which was wrong from the get-go, and you blubbered like a child when he said he didnt want you going. Respect your relationship.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mary35 said:


> It's your choice. He can forbid you but not stop you! However, you have to decide - is seeing your friend worth causing a rift between you and your husband?
> 
> "I love my husband more than anything and he is more important to me than this person to anyone other than my offspring." It seems this is your answer.
> 
> ...


QFT.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Remee,

Has your H been cheated on by exWs or exGFs? If so your H may feel that history is repeating in slow motion .

I'm not sure if you have been cheated on before, but if you haven't I can assure you it is a traumatic experience a person does not forget or often even forgives. 

Tamat


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Remee,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes, I have which is why I would never do it. No he has never been cheated on. My ex cheated constantly and DH cheated a VERY long time ago, I forgave him and he has been faithful since. I am going to do as he says. He has the final say in most things, and I don't wish to disrespect him or hurt him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Apparently a LOT of people don't understand the difference between acknowledging someone is physically well formed and finding that person sexually attractive. Just because OP's friend is "hot" doesn't mean she has " the hots" for him. Doesn't matter what the guy looks like if the chemistry isn't there. 
@Remee81 Aaand there it is. He cheated so he's afraid of a revenge affair. He knows that, should you ever be tempted, you could use his affair to rationalize or justify having one yourself. Not saying you would, but you could and he knows that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> Apparently a LOT of people don't understand the difference between acknowledging someone is physically well formed and finding that person sexually attractive. Just because OP's friend is "hot" doesn't mean she has " the hots" for him. Doesn't matter what the guy looks like if the chemistry isn't there.


True. But she also said 'If I hadn't been married, who knows what might have happened...'


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> True. But she also said 'If I hadn't been married, who knows what might have happened...'




Yes, this is true I said that but that was MANY years ago. Now there is no sexual attraction. He's my friend, strictly friend zone here. Our relationship evolved, it's no longer at the point where even if we both got divorced something would happen. If we were both single, we would still just remain friends, nothing more. And I agree with what an above poster says, yes, he is hot. That doesn't mean that I want him, I'm just not blind and I'm being honest. I think leaving any of those things out would not have made the post an honest one. It does not mean I am having an emotional affair because he's the person that I vent to, get relationship advice from, and just talk to him about stuff. He's the friend that I know will not speak a word about what I say to anyone and vice versa. I can trust him. I can't fully say that about any other friend. Nor can he.


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