# Complicated situation



## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hello, for nearly two year's i've been dating a married woman. She's sepperated from her husband however they still reside together due to financial problems. Their div should be finalized by the Dec.

I too am married but going through a div and have similar living situations as the woman i'm dating.

Two years ago when I began dating this woman she was very upfront with me about her and her past. She admitted to having trust issues and having an affair 4 years into her second marriage. 

She left her first husband due to physical abuse and drug abuse, which he eventually died of an overdose a few years later.

She dated her current husband 6 years before getting married and admitted having an affair with a co-worker 4 years into the marriage. She got pregnant by this man and aborted the baby and after a few months ended the affair to go back with her husband. The man she had an affair with went on to use drugs and knocking someone else up. The marriage continued for another 15 years untill she met me two years ago. She has admitted her husband is controlling, manipulative and also abuses drugs. She is aware of pot use and knows he's on something heavier but not sure exactly what else he is on.

They have a 17 year old daughter from the second husband and admitted planning on leaving him when the daughter finished school because she hasn't love him in many years and went back for the child at the time.

I also believe she may be narcissistic. She's sometimes verb abusive toward me calling me names ect, accusing me of various things i'm not guilty of. 

To add more to this complicted mess, we live 70 miles from eachother and she's 14 years older than me.

I love her very much and plan on spending the rest of my life with her, but saw red flags from the start. Now I feel like it's too late to walk away.

My biggest fear is her cheating on me and the verb abuse. She can do no wrong and never see's certain things she does that causes problems in our relationship. Im to blame for any all issues in our rel.

Another issue I have is her past relationships and how all three of these guys abused drugs. It's clear to me she targets these types of men even though she denied this and always said they never had drug problems during the relationship, but after.

Im not what she normally goes after and it kinda questions what type of person I am? As i'm not a drug user or physically abusive.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Yikes. Run away. Now.

Consider that she may need a codependent relationship. If you are already saying something like, "I love her very much and plan on spending the rest of my life with her, but saw red flags from the start. Now I feel like it's too late to walk away.", you fit the bill.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What makes it too late to walk away? 2 years of your time with a married woman who still lives with her husband? You say she's separated... So you can freely go visit her, ya'll don't sneak behind her H's back? And your wife, ya'll don't sneak behind her back either?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SAM920 said:


> She has admitted her husband is controlling, manipulative and also abuses drugs. She is aware of pot use and knows he's on something heavier but not sure exactly what else he is on.


She's admitted or claimed? Bet the H has a different story...


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

Cherry said:


> What makes it too late to walk away? 2 years of your time with a married woman who still lives with her husband? You say she's separated... So you can freely go visit her, ya'll don't sneak behind her H's back? And your wife, ya'll don't sneak behind her back either?


No our relationship is out in the open and has been for over a year. There is no hiding from anyone.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry for the accusatory comment then! On topic, I really don't think 2 years is a lot of time then. You may love her, but like you said, the red flags are all over the place. I'm with Acorn, run...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Never trust a cheater for face value ever! I know that for a fact.

If you bought the whole story, you're in for a world of trouble.

I'm gonna use the Jedi mind trick on you:

This is not the woman you are looking for.

Move along.

Did it work?


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Never trust a cheater for face value ever! I know that for a fact.
> 
> If you bought the whole story, you're in for a world of trouble.
> 
> ...


What do you mean i bought the whole story? Are you saying she's been lying to me despite her coming forward and telling me the truth since day one?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's a serial cheater and will cheat on you. If not already.

She tells you the truth and in advance in a way to somewhat make herself feel like she "warned" you.

It's never too late to walk away.


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She's a serial cheater and will cheat on you. If not already.
> 
> She tells you the truth and in advance in a way to somewhat make herself feel like she "warned" you.
> 
> It's never too late to walk away.


I see...on a few occasions she has actually joked about cheating on me. She knows it makes me uncomfy. Even if she's hinting she will cheat or is indeed joking

When I made the comment about being too late, I meant that I know her past and this is what I signed up for so to speak...Would be very difficult to walk away, even If i do see a side of her I don't like


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

SAM - I mean no offense but this is pretty much the least complicated "complicated situation" ever.

Run away.

I am selfishly very curious to know what the conditions were in your marriage that caused you to divorce and think this situation is an upgrade.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SAM920 said:


> I see...on a few occasions she has actually joked about cheating on me. She knows it makes me uncomfy. Even if she's hinting she will cheat or is indeed joking


If she's joking, with her past, I'd bet there's some truth in it.

I used to smoke weed. My mom would say, "Are you high?" I'd laugh and sarcastically say, "Yea, mom..I'm soooo high." She'd think I was playing. Nope. 

Personally, I say get your divorce, drop this woman (she's served her purpose) and find someone without all this stupid drama.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I told the OW the truth also, my wife was a crazy ex-gf who my parents wanted me to marry in an arranged marriage. And I told her upfront on the 2nd date just to cover my bases.

It could well be true she's telling the truth but most of the time there is a little truth thrown in with alot of lies. We lie so much, we can't even tell what is the truth or a lie anymore. Sometime we tell a lie so much we actually start to believe that it's the truth.

Like people have said, you've only heard her side of the story. It's easier to get the OW or OM to feel for you if you throw in the sad story of my messed up life.

She could be telling the truth but from my own personal experience you're getting her truth, which most of the time I wouldn't believe. I can't even believe that the OW and my wife bought all my lies, hook line and sinker.

She also comes with a ton of baggage and truthfully, you don't really know her that well at all. Take a step back and look at the entire picture, not just bits and pieces.

If you really want to be with her, I would suggest you take it slow and get to know her 1st before you jump the gun and move in together, etc...


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

Acorn said:


> SAM - I mean no offense but this is pretty much the least complicated "complicated situation" ever.
> 
> Run away.
> 
> I am selfishly very curious to know what the conditions were in your marriage that caused you to divorce and think this situation is an upgrade.


My soon to be ex wife is actually the complete opposite of the woman im dating now. She's a very loving good person. I had it made with her...Simply put i just stopped loving her. She's devasted by the div and want's nothing more than to work things out, but I never gave us the chance. I'm physically no longer attracted to the wife.

The new woman is a downgrade in some way and a upgrade in others


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SAM920 said:


> My soon to be ex wife is actually the complete opposite of the woman im dating now. She's a very loving good person. I had it made with her...Simply put i just stopped loving her. She's devasted by the div and want's nothing more than to work things out, but I never gave us the chance. I'm physically no longer attracted to the wife.
> 
> The new woman is a downgrade in some way and a upgrade in others


Why no more physical attraction?

You just left your wife because of it? Sad.

Your new woman sounds like a complete downgrade. Even if she's "hotter", that can only go so far...but maybe it's going very far--- with other people.


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> I told the OW the truth also, my wife was a crazy ex-gf who my parents wanted me to marry in an arranged marriage. And I told her upfront on the 2nd date just to cover my bases.
> 
> It could well be true she's telling the truth but most of the time there is a little truth thrown in with alot of lies. We lie so much, we can't even tell what is the truth or a lie anymore. Sometime we tell a lie so much we actually start to believe that it's the truth.
> 
> ...


Honestly i had doubts whether she was telling the truth or not. The fact that she came right out front and told me her past made me believe she was being truthful. in the beg I did wonder if there was somthing she was hiding or lying about.

Back in april I actually had a 90 min convo with her husband and he pretty much confirmed everything she'd told me. I really believe she is being truthful? or am I just a sucker?!

Hell i've even met her whole family


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Her husbands met her family too. She still cheated on them.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SAM920 said:


> Honestly i had doubts whether she was telling the truth or not. The fact that she came right out front and told me her past made me believe she was being truthful. in the beg I did wonder if there was somthing she was hiding or lying about.
> 
> Back in april I actually had a 90 min convo with her husband and he pretty much confirmed everything she'd told me. I really believe she is being truthful? or am I just a sucker?!
> 
> Hell i've even met her whole family


So the H confirmed that he is controlling, manipulative and also abuses drugs in that 90 min conversation? 

I agree with that_girl as well as the others. Have you done anything in your current marriage to even try to make it work?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Acorn said:


> SAM - I mean no offense but this is pretty much the least complicated "complicated situation" ever.
> 
> Run away.


:iagree:


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I am curious, and you certainly don't have to answer. But how long were you married before you got into this relationship? Do you and your current wife have kids?


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

SAM920 said:


> Honestly i had doubts whether she was telling the truth or not. The fact that she came right out front and told me her past made me believe she was being truthful. in the beg I did wonder if there was somthing she was hiding or lying about.


I believed the same thing. She told me all about her history of cheating. She was totally upfront about how she had utterly betrayed her ex-fiance in the worst way possible. Her honesty about the terrible things she had done made me believe she had to be telling the truth when she said she couldn't do them to me. I was wrong.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SAM920 said:


> No our relationship is out in the open and has been for over a year. There is no hiding from anyone.


You as a married man have been "dating a married woman" for 2 years but have only been out in the open about it for a year. This means that you both were sneaking around for a number of months as you both cheated on your spouses. 

What, you say that this was not the first time that she cheated? Gee, I wonder how this marriage will turn out long term?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sam920 said:


> i see...on a few occasions she has actually joked about cheating on me. She knows it makes me uncomfy. Even if she's hinting she will cheat or is indeed joking
> 
> when i made the comment about being too late, i meant that i know her past and this is what i signed up for so to speak...would be very difficult to walk away, even if i do see a side of her i don't like


r u n - a w a y


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Waay too much drama. Sounds like u gave up a good woman, your wife, for a psycho, the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Waay too much drama. Sounds like u gave up a good woman, your wife, for a psycho, the OW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people just seek it out.


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Her husbands met her family too. She still cheated on them.


That wasn't the point I was trying to make...another poster hinted that she was lying to me. Which may or may not be true, but if everthing she said was a lie why bring me to meet her whole family to potentionally have them ruin her fabrications?



Cherry said:


> So the H confirmed that he is controlling, manipulative and also abuses drugs in that 90 min conversation? No, he confirmed the living situation and when indeed seperated.
> 
> I don't think it's far fetched to say he's controlling after the first affair. Im sure he watches over everything she does. The 17 year old daughter found his drugs. He's admitted to drug use to family, but not during our convo.
> 
> I agree with that_girl as well as the others. Have you done anything in your current marriage to even try to make it work?


I would say a fair shot wasn't given at fixing our marriage. Anything in terms of professional help? No



Cherry said:


> I am curious, and you certainly don't have to answer. But how long were you married before you got into this relationship? Do you and your current wife have kids?


17 year rel, married 5 years when i went into the rel.


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why no more physical attraction?
> 
> You just left your wife because of it? Sad.
> 
> Your new woman sounds like a complete downgrade. Even if she's "hotter", that can only go so far...but maybe it's going very far--- with other people.


No of coure not, there were finanical issues as well. I'm not here to bash my ex. Basically i learned she wasn't what i was looking for. Ive been with her since HS and unfortunely realized this too late.



TRy said:


> You as a married man have been "dating a married woman" for 2 years but have only been out in the open about it for a year. This means that you both were sneaking around for a number of months as you both cheated on your spouses.
> 
> What, you say that this was not the first time that she cheated? Gee, I wonder how this marriage will turn out long term?


Im sorry let me be a little more clearer...I was already seperated from my wife when i began dating my gf. Roughly two months into our rel, she told her husband.

Yes she admitted to cheating on her husband 4 years into their marriage.



Jellybeans said:


> Waay too much drama. Sounds like u gave up a good woman, your wife, for a psycho, the OW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Last thing i wanted was drama, im a very private person.

Yes my wife is a wonderful person and yes I gave up on her. Just could not longer get along.

Ive seen the red flags from day one, but don't understand why I stuck around for someone like this. Beautiful on the outside, not so much on the inside. Actually, she can be a wonderful person. 10% of the time she's psycho.

Having said that and hearing that everyone here has pretty much told me to run...it's not that easy.


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

ren said:


> I believed the same thing. She told me all about her history of cheating. She was totally upfront about how she had utterly betrayed her ex-fiance in the worst way possible. Her honesty about the terrible things she had done made me believe she had to be telling the truth when she said she couldn't do them to me. I was wrong.



Yes, I love you and would never do that to you is what i heard


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SAM920 said:


> Im sorry let me be a little more clearer...I was already seperated from my wife when i began dating my gf. Roughly two months into our rel, she told her husband.


OK, so taking this new info into account, this means that you both were sneaking around for two months as she cheated on her spouse. Then she told her husband that she has been having an affair with another man (you) and that she was leaving him for the OM (you). And you do not see anything really wrong with this?

On second thought, I think that the two of you are made for each other. Yeah marry her. Go for it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think she's lying to you, I think she's warning you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

TRy said:


> OK, so taking this new info into account, this means that you both were sneaking around for two months as she cheated on her spouse. Then she told her husband that she has been having an affair with another man (you) and that she was leaving him for the OM (you). And you do not see anything really wrong with this?
> 
> On second thought, I think that the two of you are made for each other. Yeah marry her. Go for it.


Tech they were also seperated but no matter how you look at it just doesn't look good. Not proud of myself and I know she isn't either. 

Think i may take the advice of those here and run away before my fear becomes reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Disaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

I've pretty much made up my mind to end the rel but something happens this morn that really made me say wtf! 
This was not the first time she's made comments like this either and was one of the red flags I was referring too in my first post. When she woke up this morn she texted me Gmorn and had a convo in text. I'm on my way to work and she sends me a text saying she woke up horny and there's noone there to satisfy her. I'm like wtf you mean me! Her reply was haha. Just hurts loving someone you know isn't a good person and makes you feel so bad sometimes. She thinks I'm overly sensitive and look too much into the comment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SAM920 said:


> My soon to be ex wife...(is) devastated by the div and want's nothing more than to work things out, but I never gave us the chance.


And you are open with her about this new relationship?


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

MrK said:


> And you are open with her about this new relationship?


As I said in a past post yes. She has been aware since day one and knows a lot about the rel, maybe too much? She has also said what most said here and that's to run from this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi Sam, You're making a wise decision to move on from this woman. Whether or not you attempt to repair your marriage, from the sounds of it, this new woman will not be good marriage material to put it as kindly as I can. Good luck to you!


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## SAM920 (Oct 28, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Hi Sam, You're making a wise decision to move on from this woman. Whether or not you attempt to repair your marriage, from the sounds of it, this new woman will not be good marriage material to put it as kindly as I can. Good luck to you!


I want to be perfectly clear that my marriage was already over prior to the new rel. I filed for div not my wife. The div has noth to do with my new rel. my wife wants the marriage, however I don't. 

This new woman is clearly insecure and has trust issues, among other things. I'm gonna end the rel ton just don't know how I'm gonna do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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