# I am just lost.



## CruelCross (Jun 15, 2012)

Hi, I just joined this site today because I didn't know where to go but I needed to let it out somewhere. I had a child when I was 18, moved to a new state by 19 and lived with a woman who I stayed with for a little over a year as a single mother. I enrolled in college, I dated a new man who I fell in love with, and when him and I broke up I think that I became a really different person. I'm still broken because of it. He's now married and about to have twins with the woman he left me for. 
I met my now fiance 6 months after the end of that relationship. At first I didn't really like him at all, I always dated asian guys and he was spanish, not my type at all. We had virtually nothing in common, as a matter of fact his music gives me a headache. His mother hates me, his family hates me. I thought he was going to be a one night stand, then my landlord felt that him and I were very good together after about 4 months of casual dating and decided to evict me, accelerating the relationship into a domestic partnership. He stepped up from allowing me and my daughter to go into a shelter to move out of his home and his own comfort to be a dad. Bumping him from casual boyfriend to stepfather to my now 4 year old daughter. He's been nothing short of wonderful to me and her, he's been a provider, holding down a stressful job and supporting me through some serious bouts of depression, hospitalizations for my daughter, college semesters, bed bugs, you name it, he's been my rock. And I love him to death and am so grateful, but honestly I just don't love him like I want. How selfish is that? I feel like the worst person.
It's just that, before he had that chance to step up I had to force myself to like him even... like I just couldn't even invision him in my mind, I had no real interest in him other than that he was so good to me that I knew I had to try and date a guy I wasn't into for the sake of being treated right and having my daughter raised in a stable home...

Now though, I don't even want to have kids with him, I love him, I know that we're going to get married, and my daughter completely depends on him emotionally. But I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not satisfied. His best friend is dating my sister and they're in love, but I'm just not feeling what I know they feel. There's no passion and there never was. And it makes me cry. I want so badly to be in love with him like I was with those guys in my past that just didn't deserve it because he does. I don't want to cheat on him, I don't want to do him wrong, I just don't know if it's possible to go through a lifetime without passion from the age of 20 till the day I die. 

So I'm not sure how this forum works, but I just had to let this out Anonymously somewhere, and hope that it never gets back to this wonderful man who never did a thing wrong to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't marry this man. Let him find someone who wants him and loves him "that" way. You know you're being selfish. So stop it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I couldn't agree more with Maricha75


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Youre onl y 20 have a kid already. Why are you rushing into marriage? If you don't love hm, then save him from a lifetime of you not loving him. Someone else will. You need to get out of their way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"I thought he was going to be a one night stand, then my landlord felt that him and I were very good together after about 4 months of casual dating and decided to evict me, accelerating the relationship into a domestic partnership."

Cruel, you have to learn to take responsibility for your own choices. Your landlord did not DECIDE for you to get together with this guy, your landlord no doubt DECIDED to evict you because you DECIDED to not pay rent. And you CHOSE to be with a guy you don't love in order to make rent. These were all your choices. No one else's.

He sounds like a wonderful man. Set him free to find a woman who loves him for what he is. Under no circumstances get married. It won't work, and it's not fair. Choose to do the right thing.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Yeah, what lamaga said....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're looking at a lifetime of hurt and trouble for you, this man, and your daughter if you go through with marrying him. You've been using him to solve your problems, when he likely things you're actually in love with him and are equal partners in a relationship. If you really love him (as a friend, it sounds like), do him the favor of letting go of him. Find another roommate and friend to support you till you find someone you really love. 

Been there, done that... Now at 44 years old, starting over. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CruelCross (Jun 15, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Cruel, you have to learn to take responsibility for your own choices. Your landlord did not DECIDE for you to get together with this guy, your landlord no doubt DECIDED to evict you because you DECIDED to not pay rent. And you CHOSE to be with a guy you don't love in order to make rent. These were all your choices. No one else's.


I did pay my rent, I worked 2 jobs and was in college full time. My landlord and my relationship with her was a lot more complex than just that. Not that anyone should have been too aware of that based off of my emotional post. She was my stepmother, but my father left her. We stayed in touch and she helped me with my daughter so I could go to school. When I met my current boyfriend (in the middle of her midlife crisis) she told me it was time to leave school and move in with him because he was different and good for me and she didn't have the time to be grandma anymore. I was in a shelter when HE went out and got an apartment, he knew how I felt then, and he wanted to try. Now, I'm not sure what you would have done, but it was try this out with this totally new kind of guy that I met and was in the middle of dating, or have my daughter live in an umbrella stroller while I sleep on the floor as I come up with the cash for rent, safety deposit, and 2 months [first and last month] after paying off my stepmother because no matter what she did to me I couldn't and wouldn't leave her dry. (Other family, don't have any)

I'm very honest with him, and I go through these spells of depression. I can't afford a therapist, so that's why I'm not seeing one. Perhaps in a way I am using him to solve my problems. I am taking responsibility for these actions. But if I did love him like 'just a friend' I wouldn't have been with him for this long. I can afford rent, I work, it's just that I actually like this 'family' it's just not the fairy tale world that imagined, I'm not intoxicated by him like I had been in the past. But also that comes from just having it all in front of my. There is no mystery, no drama, and I (having thought about this deeply since I first posted it) and realized that's a huge problem in my own relationship patterns... and it's quite a common one. I end up liking douche bags. This guy isn't one, he's a great father and he's a caring lover. 

I'm not looking for sympathy, or a cut and dry answer, I'm looking for my therapy, a place to vent while I work this out, with HIM. I just need other perspectives and I will bring them to the table. I didn't love him at first, I was in a bad place. But I can say that I did fall in love with him, and it's not an excuse or even a feeling I can describe. I can't say I know where I want my future, clearly, or otherwise I wouldn't be venting online. 

I appreciate that you all took the time to read my post and contribute, I hope that this response didn't leave any of you to believe that I've thrown your comments out the window. I didn't. Perhaps you'd think that this is hypocritical but I do think that this is a 6 way street, two ways for each person involved in this family. I can't bring myself to believe that it's that easy to just end something you've began and invested in, I'm conflicted, but I've always been in my relationships. It didn't happen over night and it shouldn't end that way. I think there is something deeper going on with me. I wish I could articulate it all in one post, but I can't, that wouldn't do any single person's life story justice. We are the way we are for a reason, right? I just want to be the person that he deserves. I want to be with him, for a reason I can't explain. I'm not afraid to be alone, or to be a single parent (sometimes I even miss it) but there's a reason I don't leave and it's not for financial stability, THAT'S something I know for sure, because I have that even without him. I don't want to lose him, I think about a life without him and it makes me scared, it makes me sad, it makes me miss him. When he's not there I long for him. But I don't share the same dreams as him, and yes, it makes my guilty. 

I just wonder, is there a perfect match for every person? Or should you be able to work through your differences with the right one? 

I ask because I told him exactly what I wrote in this post when he came home that night. And he said "I know we're not perfect , but you know what we have that's special, we have communication. We can talk through anything and that's something I never had with anyone before." He then went on about how we don't have to have kids... or even get married. But that made me love him more. Isn't that something that should be worked on? Isn't a relationship with that much openness, should be at least tried to be salvaged? If I'm wanting to try? Even if I do know that I love him and don't want to do anything to hurt him. Someone where when I'm at my lowest I can still be myself, and know that I have a supportive partner to hold me up and work through it. And vice versa. It's not like I've never had to bare an emotional or depressed load. 

I just wonder, are there couples out there who don't go through this? Who don't go through itches, depression. I don't want to cheat on him. I don't want to hurt him, I just don't want to be trapped, or lost, and I want the bouts of depression to stop. I can't be my best anything when I'm like that. 

Once again thank you for your time, I'm sorry for the rant I guess that's what happens when you're on the internet sorting through emotional crazies anonymously. Continue as you do to make of it what you will... after all that's why I'm here.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

If you marry him, you will blame him for not being "the one" and he will figure out that you dont love him the way he deserves. He sounds like a father-figure to you and your daughter. You have to break this off and when you do, you both will be free to find other people. The way you feel when you are with someone you have passion for is so different than what you describe. You are still young, dont throw away your time to explore things for feelings of gratitude and security. You dont have to be cruel, but you do have to level with him, it is only fair.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

CruelCross said:


> I'm not looking for sympathy, or a cut and dry answer,


I'll give you a cut and dry (and obvious) answer. 

You need to part ways. You don't love him, and have said as much. I know it sucks, but if you want to do the right thing, you need to let him go.

And what is happening is you are getting scared because of everything he does for you and you wonder if you can do it on your own. I can't give you a answer to that. But if you want to know what the RIGHT thing to do is... cut him loose.

Basically, you are the poster child for one of Men's biggest relationship fears.... "Is she just with me because of what I do for her and doesn't think she can leave....."


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I have been married to a woman with depression for 20 years and I think depression makes you very self centered. Your emotions are so heavy all you can focus on is yourself. Do this guy a favor and dump him. He probably does not love you as much as you think he does he just loves being a knight in shining armor to a single mom. Cut him loose and let both of you start over with someone new.


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