# All I want is a little bit of happiness



## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Why does my husband get to come at me when he's frustrated and belittle me and tell me how little my financial contribution is to the house? Why does he get to yell and vent his frustrations out at my expense in front of the kids? Why is me trying my hardest not good enough? It's always my shortfall. My fault. I try. I work around him and his schedule. I work around the kids schedule. I try to do the right things. My job is not high paying. But at least I'm working. He vents at me and then goes and watches sitcoms on tv and laughs and acts like he's okay. It's midnight and he's fast asleep and I'm awake. I'm angry, humiliated and my stomach is in knots. I can't sleep. I just want to be happy but I'm trapped. 

Just had to do a little venting of my own. Thanks.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What is your husband so frustrated and unhappy about ? Is thier debt issues causing tension? 

It's really NOT ok. You are right, at least you are working, I am just a stay at Home Mom, I hardly contribute any $$ for anything, but my husband would never let a word utter to such a fact. It is life giving to be appreciated for what we DO for the other, I keep the home, do the womanly mundane stuff and watch our budget carefully - and have a thankful spouse in return. 

I watch that TV program ..."Wife Swap", it is often very interesting how -when they are swapped with different wives -with thier crazy quirks & personalities, how quickly they become SO thankful for what they had all along! 

Getting to the root of what is so troubling your husband might help. It may have nothing to do with you, but still he is taking you for granted and it HURTS , he is pushing you away, and it could lead to a very bad place. 

How is the communication when he is NOT frustrated but having a good day?


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What is your husband so frustrated and unhappy about ? Is thier debt issues causing tension? It's really NOT ok. You are right, at least you are working, I am just a stay at Home Mom, I hardly contribute any $$ for anything, but my husband would never let a word utter to such a fact. It is life giving to be appreciated for what we DO for the other, I keep the home, do the womanly mundane stuff and watch our budget carefully - and have a thankful spouse in return.
> 
> I watch that TV program ..."Wife Swap", it is often very interesting how -when they are swapped with different wives -with thier crazy quirks & personalities, how quickly they become SO thankful for what they had all along!
> 
> ...


My husband is frustrated when there isn't enough money or if he feels he should have more money. There are debt issues and cash flow issues currently. When he feels like money is okay then he will pick something else to get on my case about: the house is not clean enough, not enough sex, etc. etc.

My husband doesn't understand that I push him away because I'm exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster. I hate the up and down. Yesterday, everything was fine, we went and talked to a professional about debt and possible solutions and he was feel great and relieved. Later on at at home he was going over the bills and accounts and then he starts freaking out. He wants to know how much am I getting paid on Friday and it better be enough to cover the mortgage. Then he starts going on about how my job is so stupid and it's not enough and it's a waste of time, etc. etc. (I'm a home health care aide). He is yelling and getting mad at me and I'm doing the best I can. He supported me in taking the course to do this job, because he wanted me to "get a job, any job!!!" and now I have one and it's not enough...He always points out the fact that if I was on my own I wouldn't be able to support myself...well fact is if I hadn't given in to him pressuring me to marry me at age 18 I would have done better in life. I helped him get his legal status in this country all those years ago. Now he spits in my face and tells me it wasn't worth it and that he would have been better off without me.


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## blaze16 (Oct 27, 2011)

Does this guy ever make you happy at all? Are there any positives in your relationship with him? You have to examine your reasons for putting up with this treatment. You don't deserve constant verbal abuse, and it doesn't sound like you are getting any benefits from this relationship that aren't related to money.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lavender&Lace said:


> well fact is if I hadn't given in to him pressuring me to marry me at age 18 I would have done better in life. I helped him get his legal status in this country all those years ago. Now he spits in my face and tells me it wasn't worth it and that he would have been better off without me.


If this is true, you'd be better off leaving. He is abusive toward you and you recognize you would have been better off down another path. Leaving him is a way of admitting that mistake and moving on.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

How often have you had Good sex with him over the last year or two?


He may be acting out because you guys aren't getting it on enough over the years.

I know that was my problem when my wife Turned emotions off two years ago... I wasn't abusive to my wife but took out my verbal frustrations on my two boys instead.

I've changed but I'm still working back to an emotional connection two years later and have only had sex 7 times after the ILYNILWY speech.

Sex is crucial to all guys.

I will leave my wife if we can't resolve our issue may last hope after two years of working my butt of to rebuild our connection is the 6-mo celibacy pledge I took to allow stress-less healing time for her. What she isn't doing is worse than what I did.... all over lack of sex in my marriage. We never averaged more than 15 times a year over 17 years. I put up with the low output but it's caused the biggest issue in our marriage. i'm trying to remedy this and bring balance back. I'd be happy with every two weeks. I'm not asking for much.

Everything else great except for sex... it's on my mind constantly. It's abusive and takes up most of my day thinking about it. What a waste of time!

It probably has NOTHING to do with money... It has to do with you and how you fill his needs.

I am not a bad guy... but my wife not fulfilling my needs led to a not so nice guy sometimes.

Look in the mirror.

I did and we are slowly working our way back.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I guess the positives are that we have 4 beautiful children. Honestly, I can't think I can think of any positives. I was going to say that he can be nice and even generous at times, but I've come to realize that it's conditional upon him being in a happy place, so to speak. If he is not okay with himself than it's all my fault. He came right out and told me that most of his problems stem from me. I don't know why I do bother, why I stay...I guess for the kids and because truthfully I don't have the means to leave.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> How often have you had Good sex with him over the last year or two?
> 
> 
> He may be acting out because you guys aren't getting it on enough.


It's weird because he always likes to throw in my face how "I don't give him any" but truthfully, he falls asleep before me every night that he's home...it's like he can't stay awake in my presense. I'm that boring. I get so mad I just leave him on the couch and go to bed without him. This gets him really mad...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It is incredibly insensitive to say the things his is saying. Do you think that he really believes the hurtful comments, or is it just lashing out?

I think that you have to set aside some time to just tell him how it makes you feel. Set aside the time. No complaining or "you do this" statments. Just tell him first that you want nothing more than a great relationship, and you are willing to work on it. Then, tell him how the comments make you feel. After a couple of tries, if he feels no remorse or willingness to change, then maybe you just have to ask him what he intends to do about the relationship.

Can the two of you afford marriage counseling? for me, it was really hard to hear continual comments similar to this in my early marriage. Over time, I realized that to my wife, her comments weren't intended to be personal accusations. It took a lot of work for her to change how she communicated, and she felt real remorse for being like that. Knowing the motivations behind it gave me more patience in helping her.


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## Brian Jones (Oct 28, 2011)

Help me out...I hear what you DON'T like and are frustrated about. But I'm unclear as to what it is you DO want or hope for from your husband and in your marriage. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want?


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> Help me out...I hear what you DON'T like and are frustrated about. But I'm unclear as to what it is you DO want or hope for from your husband and in your marriage. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want?


Hmm...good question. What I would like is for him to love me unconditionally and respect who am I as a wife and mother. I would like for him to realize my contribution to the family. I would like for him to really step up and embrace his role as head of the home and the provider. I wish for him to not be so bitter against me. When I was staying home full-time he would say that I can't "sit at home" forever...like wtf? Really??? I really got these back aches, varicose veins by _sitting_ right? 

I wish he would stop the blame game and own up to his part in how this relationship is. Like realize that before every reaction there is an action. There is a saying: sex begins in the kitchen. Affection and love and hugs and good feelings starts with good and open communication and treating the other with respect. I used to wonder after he'd say a bunch of mean things to me, how he expected me to react? Like his critisism was supposed to cause me to magically be the person he wanted me to be??? And I've tried to so hard to be different:

I never had my drivers license and he hated that. He told me that the next person he gets with will have her license and a car. Well, a year ago I got my license. Now he says I am wasting gas doing my home care job. 

I was a SAHM but he wanted me to work. I didn't have any success getting back into the administrative field, so I took a 6 month course to become a personal support worker (what you guys in the States call a CNA). Now I'm working and "it's not enough money" waste of time, gas...on and on...

Not enough sex, well unless I wake him up and initiate it doesn't happen....usually I need to be somewhat tipsy to overlook my hard feelings against him to do it (just being honest)

He claims the house is a mess...I work around the clock to keep things in order, but granted it's not perfect with 4 kids in the house, but I do pretty ok. In my job I've seen the way some people live and we are doing waaaay better then some in the housekeeping department. He says I don't get the kids to help enough and I'm not teaching them to cook/clean etc...(this is somewhat true).

So I guess in a nutshell I want respect. I want to be valued as an equal contributing person to this family. Not a load to be carried (his words).


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## Brian Jones (Oct 28, 2011)

Cool! Have you both shared what you hope for and want with each other and in your relationship? This might be a good next step; something to think about.


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