# How to stop thinking about your ex??



## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

Just creating this post makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I'm hoping just talking about this will help. 
I've been married 2 years to my husband, together for 8 yrs total. And he seriously is amazing. I feel like I won the lottery with him. And now here is the obvious "but"
but, I cant stop thinking about an ex. He's not even the ex before I dated my husband. He's someone from ages ago, early 2000s, but was my 1st love. Never fell for someone like that before. He was also a friend of my husband. They dont talk anymore since my ex had move out of state over 10 yrs ago. 

Sometimes I'll have a dream about my ex and then it sits with me for days, almost an achy feeling. UGHHHHHH. I cant stop thinking about him and then I feel so guilty and I feel like I'm a terrible person. I dont ever want to hurt my husband, ever! But this feeling in my gut. How do I get rid of it?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

How long ago did these thoughts start popping up for you, about the ex?


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> How long ago did these thoughts start popping up for you, about the ex?


Hmmm on and off for a handful of years, maybe 6? I honestly didnt think I still had feelings for him but I knew he always would hold a special place because it was just a diff feeling with him. But the past year I would say is when I started having dreams about him and the feeling would start to feel like a burden.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

People give general information thinking it's enough to receive advice and opinions from others. But it's not enough. I need specifics. I'm wondering what exactly it is you keep thinking about your ex. Was he a nicer person than your husband? Did you and he have more fun together than you do now? Was he better in bed than your husband? Did he make you feel more loved than your husband does? Did he crack more jokes? Did he look better in your underwear than your husband? LOL

What is it?


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

StarFires said:


> People give general information thinking it's enough to receive advice and opinions from others. But it's not enough. I need specifics. I'm wondering what exactly it is you keep thinking about your ex. Was he a nicer person than your husband? Did you and he have more fun together than you do now? Was he better in bed than your husband? Did he make you feel more loved than your husband does? Did he crack more jokes? Did he look better in your undewear than your husband? LOL
> 
> What is it?


I guess I'm not really looking for advice because I know what the right thing to do is. Ignore the feelings, let it go. Be a good person and a wife that I've vowed to be. This is more I guess for me to just talk anonymously and maybe it'll help me get over it......idk. I obviously cant talk to my real friends about it. And my ex is my ex for a reason hahaha. He wasn't good to me. But none of my exes were, hence, them being "exes". LOL.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Often when something like this happens it's become you've put the ex on a pedestal and romanticized them, thus creating a little fairy tale that a real spouse can never compete with.

But it's also natural to be attracted to and think about others from time to time.

Just keep these thoughts to yourself and focus on your husband.

Let me ask you this woman to woman: how bonded do you think you are to your hb? I don't want to hear about how amazing he is (though when I hear the work amazing I think of teenagers)....i want to hear how bonded you are. I've found that when I'm truly bonded to a man I don't much think about others. That happens when there's a crack in the bond.


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Often when something like this happens it's become you've put the ex on a pedestal and romanticized them, thus creating a little fairy tale that a real spouse can never compete with.
> 
> But it's also natural to be attracted to and think about others from time to time.
> 
> ...


My husband is my best friend. He truly knows me the best. He's SO patient and SO kind with me. I always feel super special with him. That's why I married him. I think that's why this hiccup bothers me even more. When I watch any tv show or movie that has anything remotely romantic or a love story, I always think about my husband and feel "lovey" like I start to miss him (if he's not there watching with me) and start to think/feel fondly over him. It truly makes me feel so sad that even this amount of thought about another man has come into my mind. 

I know you're right about just keep focusing on my husband. And that's what I've been doing, and eventually it'll be fine. My mind will be clear. Until the next time my ex pops up and then it's like grease stain that takes forever to wash away.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's a saying; one thing a spouse can never live up to is the memory of an old flame. Because the one remembering remembers all the good, never the bad, about the old flame. Just the great highlights.

It is all on you my dear.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

immaterribleperson said:


> My husband is my best friend. He truly knows me the best. He's SO patient and SO kind with me. I always feel super special with him. That's why I married him. I think that's why this hiccup bothers me even more. When I watch any tv show or movie that has anything remotely romantic or a love story, I always think about my husband and feel "lovey" like I start to miss him (if he's not there watching with me) and start to think/feel fondly over him. It truly makes me feel so sad that even this amount of thought about another man has come into my mind.
> 
> I know you're right about just keep focusing on my husband. And that's what I've been doing, and eventually it'll be fine. My mind will be clear. Until the next time my ex pops up and then it's like grease stain that takes forever to wash away.


How attracted to your hb are you? How do you view him as a man?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> How attracted to your hb are you? How do you view him as a man?


I second that question..... when you speak about him, there seems to be either a "but".....or, something missing....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just keep reminding yourself why you and the other one couldn't stay together. There was some dealbreaker on either your end or his. If it was him who broke up and cut it off, then there's something about him you don't really know that is part of his personality that made you not a good match for him. 

Remind yourself of all the less than great things about him too, most of all, that he must not have loved you enough to want to keep you or that you grew apart because you two are not the same people you were then.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TJW said:


> I second that question..... when you speak about him, there seems to be either a "but".....or, something missing....


This is my feeling as a woman.

There is a BUT in there somewhere and if she can identify it she may be able to address it.

Right now its harmless thoughts but such things can escalate if not addressed.


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just keep reminding yourself why you and the other one couldn't stay together. There was some dealbreaker on either your end or his. If it was him who broke up and cut it off, then there's something about him you don't really know that is part of his personality that made you not a good match for him.
> 
> Remind yourself of all the less than great things about him too, most of all, that he must not have loved you enough to want to keep you or that you grew apart because you two are not the same people you were then.


You're right. And the thought of possibly getting back with my ex isnt even a thought. I just want to get rid of this feeling. I think the constant just ignoring and putting to the side has made it grow and made it worse.


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is my feeling as a woman.
> 
> There is a BUT in there somewhere and if she can identify it she may be able to address it.
> 
> Right now its harmless thoughts but such things can escalate if not addressed.


What you're saying is interesting. I dont know if there is a "but".
And I think my husband is good looking. We are both in our 40s so our prime days are over. Luckier for him, he seems to be getting better looking through time ha. As for attraction, I feel like we're like most married couples. I dont feel like ripping his clothes off but we are still intimate, def not as much as when we first started dating, but it is still a healthy amount I think. Neither of us are feeling neglected in that dept.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, you know, I hold fond feelings for a lot of my old bfs. But just because I had fun with them or loved them some way doesn't mean I could live with them or we were a good match. One thing to remember is when you love someone and then leave, that love comes from within you. You GAVE it to that person, but you get to take it with you when you leave and give it to someone else -- and those memories are always yours to enjoy. Don't feel bad about that. That's your life. But always remind yourself of the bad or things that didn't work to keep it real so you don't idealize someone.


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, you know, I hold fond feelings for a lot of my old bfs. But just because I had fun with them or loved them some way doesn't mean I could live with them or we were a good match. One thing to remember is when you love someone and then leave, that love comes from within you. You GAVE it to that person, but you get to take it with you when you leave and give it to someone else -- and those memories are always yours to enjoy. Don't feel bad about that. That's your life. But always remind yourself of the bad or things that didn't work to keep it real so you don't idealize someone.


Thank you! And you're right. I need to be careful that I'm not idolizing him and/or the relationship esp on false grounds where I'm only remembering the good and not the whole truth.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

There are 3 of us trying to get to the crux of the problem, but you haven't answered our questions. Is there something regarding one or both of these two men that you're afraid to confess?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

immaterribleperson said:


> Thank you! And you're right. I need to be careful that I'm not idolizing him and/or the relationship esp on false grounds where I'm only remembering the good and not the whole truth.


Make it a small discipline. When you catch yourself idealizing him, make yourself stop and name 3 things that didn't work out or that you weren't that wild about or that he didn't like about you.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

immaterribleperson said:


> He's someone from ages ago, early 2000s, but was my 1st love. Never fell for someone like that before.


How could you have fallen for someone like that before if he was your first love?

First loves will always be different from the rest because it was a new experience of intense pleasurable feelings. 

Your husband is ticking alot of the boxes of what you want. It sounds like there is something in your unconscious that you need that is missing.

You said you never feel like ripping his clothes off. Why not? 

And did you feel that way about your first love?


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

Luminous said:


> First loves will always be different from the rest because it was a new experience of intense pleasurable feelings.


That is a very good point!!!!


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

StarFires said:


> There are 3 of us trying to get to the crux of the problem, but you haven't answered our questions. Is there something regarding one or both of these two men that you're afraid to confess?


I dont think so. I think if I knew, then I would also know my answer to why I'm going through this obviously.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

immaterribleperson said:


> What you're saying is interesting. I dont know if there is a "but".
> And I think my husband is good looking. We are both in our 40s so our prime days are over. Luckier for him, he seems to be getting better looking through time ha. As for attraction, I feel like we're like most married couples. I dont feel like ripping his clothes off but we are still intimate, def not as much as when we first started dating, but it is still a healthy amount I think. Neither of us are feeling neglected in that dept.


So i see something emerging here.

You're in your 40's and think your prime days are behind you. THAT is a big issue.I am 46 and I can honestly say that I'm in my prime days now!

My kids are basically grown (19 and 17), I'm a hard core distance runner/cyclist who's been told that 20 somethings have nothing on me body wise, and even though I'm pre menopausal I've had a lovely 55 year old bf for a couple of years now that is also in great shape and we have great sex. I'm under no illusion that i actually look like I'm in my 20's, but athletically I can kick most of their asses. My bf just compared me to a super hero and described me as "sleek" like them. How could that not fire you up? We do a lot together....i met him in a cycling club and we share a lot of our workouts....though he doesn't run, but that's ok. We walk, ride bikes, go hiking, and he's come to races with me and hung out. The entire run I know he's there so I associate him with it.

So maybe you need to focus on living your best years NOW and if that means getting thee to the gym then so be it.

If your hb isn't athletic invite him and experience things together. I think you have a lot of power here....introduce some excitement to your life and bring your hb along.

You might actually want to rip his clothes off again. Our libido as women is very much connected to how we feel about our bodies and our physical fitness. And if you add some excitement to your life NOW and experience it with your hb you might just forget about the ex.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

immaterribleperson said:


> As for attraction........I dont feel like ripping his clothes off


Ouch.
I feel that one all the way to my feet. I'm going to let others take it..... I'm the husband in a marriage like yours. I'm too biased.... I think others will do a better job of helping you than me.

@lifeistooshort has exactly the medicine.....


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Our libido as women is very much connected to how we feel about our bodies and our physical fitness. And if you add some excitement to your life NOW and experience it with your hb you might just forget about the ex.


You're really making a great point here. Maybe I have gotten myself to be in a too comfortable state of mind. Maybe my brain is missing excitement and this is not a dig on my hb. This is all on me. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis!!!!! Hmmmm........


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## immaterribleperson (Nov 5, 2020)

TJW said:


> Ouch.
> I feel that one all the way to my feet. I'm going to let others take it..... I'm the husband in a marriage like yours. I'm too biased.... I think others will do a better job of helping you than me.
> 
> @lifeistooshort has exactly the medicine.....


I know that sounded harsh but I realize this is all on me. It has to do with me 100%, not the hb. I just realized that maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis and my brain is grasping onto a part of my life, when I was younger, everything was more exciting because it was new. I was still figuring out who I was becoming, etc. Instead of buying a convertible, my brain has me thinking of my "dating" years.......


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

immaterribleperson said:


> I know that sounded harsh but I realize this is all on me. It has to do with me 100%, not the hb. I just realized that maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis and my brain is grasping onto a part of my life, when I was younger, everything was more exciting because it was new. I was still figuring out who I was becoming, etc. Instead of buying a convertible, my brain has me thinking of my "dating" years.......


The grass is only greener elsewhere because it's fertilized with ********.

Why don't you try ripping your hb's clothes off tonight?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

immaterribleperson said:


> Just creating this post makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I'm hoping just talking about this will help.
> I've been married 2 years to my husband, together for 8 yrs total. And he seriously is amazing. I feel like I won the lottery with him. And now here is the obvious "but"
> but, I cant stop thinking about an ex. He's not even the ex before I dated my husband. He's someone from ages ago, early 2000s, but was my 1st love. Never fell for someone like that before. He was also a friend of my husband. They dont talk anymore since my ex had move out of state over 10 yrs ago.
> 
> Sometimes I'll have a dream about my ex and then it sits with me for days, almost an achy feeling. UGHHHHHH. I cant stop thinking about him and then I feel so guilty and I feel like I'm a terrible person. I dont ever want to hurt my husband, ever! But this feeling in my gut. How do I get rid of it?


You need to speak with someone professional. There is probably some other reason that has nothing to do with your ex. Besides that you need to discipline your mind. How you do that is to force different thoughts in your head when you have these feelings. 

If you really love your husband and he wasn't just the safe choice that you married for his ability to provide for you you better stop because eventually this will destroy your relationship. If he finds out he will be very upset. Imagine if he was thinking about another girl he dated 10 years ago all the time.

If you DID marry him because he was a safe choice then you need to divorce him. Everyone deserves to be passionately loved, not treated like a affordable car that gets you from here to there. 

This is a slippery slope and it's all in your mind.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

immaterribleperson said:


> My husband is my best friend. He truly knows me the best. He's SO patient and SO kind with me. I always feel super special with him. That's why I married him. I think that's why this hiccup bothers me even more. When I watch any tv show or movie that has anything remotely romantic or a love story, I always think about my husband and feel "lovey" like I start to miss him (if he's not there watching with me) and start to think/feel fondly over him. It truly makes me feel so sad that even this amount of thought about another man has come into my mind.


UGGH!! He's kind? That is just the worst, no guy wants to hear he is kind. If my wife said she loved me because I was kind I would not be happy. It's like when you ask a guy about the girl he is dating and he says, she is a sweet girl. You want to hear your hot! Do you have any sexual attraction to your husband? 

I don't think a husbands primary role is to be kind. I wouldn't want my wife to think of me like a super nice best friend. Best friend is OK but not like one of her girlfriends, I want her to think of me as her rock, strong and honorable. I am tender with her but there is a difference I don't think she would call me kind. In the same respect if someone is unkind to her it will not go well for them.

I get the feeling your husband is probably one of these super nice guys (like Ted on Schitts Creek). If he finds out you are pining away for this other guy he will probably change. 

It's a shame he is not on here, we would fix him. Some men just don't understand you can be too nice. I am getting that vibe from you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

immaterribleperson said:


> I know that sounded harsh but I realize this is all on me. It has to do with me 100%, not the hb. I just realized that maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis and my brain is grasping onto a part of my life, when I was younger, everything was more exciting because it was new. I was still figuring out who I was becoming, etc. Instead of buying a convertible, my brain has me thinking of my "dating" years.......


Do you desire your husband? Or is it a case of his checking off all the boxes describing who you want to marry? My wife would say all the same things about me that you say about your husband, and she was absolutely oblivious to the discontent in our marriage regarding intimacy. She truly loves me, she wants to stay married to me, but we're in heavy therapy, after 40+ years of marriage, because I never lit a passionate fire inside her. She had her fun with two guys before me, two guys who had issues and weren't what she'd want long term. Whoever she did marry, it wasn't going to be someone that inspired strong passion inside her, because, in her mind, that passion got her into trouble. Made her make bad decisions.

If this sounds even remotely familiar, if you can talk about what a great guy your husband is, how happy it is to be married to him, but you don't have the desire to rip your clothes off and go at it with him, do him a favor while he's still go time to find someone who will feel that way, and choose. Choose to either fess up and put him through a terrible hell for a bit that does end when you both move on, or seek some heavy duty counseling.

Some will claim I'm projecting. Hell yes. You can call it that. You can also call it a warning.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The feelings are...

He was your first love. I assume this means he took your virginity?

If true, that is a factor that no man can replace.

You lost him. Your choice or his, matters less.

No one likes to admit defeat. 
Defeats are losses, losses are forever mourned.

.......................................................................

He imprinted himself in your personality. He lives in your mind.

......................................................................

The reason this loss of 'this' lover bothers you is because you went against another pre-programmed Fate.

Another Fate?

Yes, some of us have more than one path to travel in life.
For example, two or more marriages, three careers, two citizenship's, etc..

You broke free of one path that was a strong one. 
It will not let (you) go.

It nags at you.
They do.

I feel these pulls myself.
Strong pulls to another life, another fate.

Your present fate sounds nice and workable.

Dream about the other fate that you broke from.
Dream about it, do not ever return there,

Why?
That there, has long passed.

Nobody likes to lose, especially a favored lover.
Lovers burrow into your mind. They get all snugly and warm.
What you see of that lover is no longer a fact, is just another dangling engram.


_Are Dee-_


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

immaterribleperson said:


> That is a very good point!!!!


Are you able to answer/comment on the rest of my queries in that post?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You write about your husband like I would write about my dog - my best friend, loyal, reliable, kind, patient etc

Did you always feel like this about your husband? Was there ever a time when you thought "God, he's hot" - if not let him go now.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I think it’s normal to have fond feelings for an ex. You have memories that don’t just get replaced. But I think it’s also important to recognize whether those fond feelings are attached to the moment you felt them in, or the PERSON they’re attached to. I have zero feelings for my ex husband. Most days when we interact I wonder how we were ever together. But I have fond FEELINGS of the days we brought our children into this world. I can joke with my kids about funny things that happened when we were together and I can laugh about those things and give them stories about their dad. I’ve even sat and wondered in a general sense what my life would be like if I hadn’t left him. Not in a “I wish I would have stayed way” – but he’s wealthy and I wonder if I would have turned out different if I lived a life of privilege rather than struggle. I prefer my struggle over being verbally and mentally abused though LOL.

I have other exes I have fond feelings for, but that extends to that I hope they’re doing well in life and happy, and that’s it. If I run into them, I may be happy to see them and take a little trip down memory lane in my head about a happy memory, but that’s all there is to it.

Are these feelings for the MAN or the MEMORIES?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Treat yourself like a toddler. A thought comes up actively replace it and start thinking about something else and drown out tgat thought. You said sex life is like normal married folks...what is your idea of normal? Daily...every other day...2x week...1x week?

When a thought comes up block it and jump hubby's bones if he is there...or call him. Let him replace the thought.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Commenting on your comment about not feeling like ripping his clothes off, I think that's because you've been together 8 years. but just because the honeymoon is over doesn't mean the whole relationship is. The kind of excitement you have in the beginning just doesn't last forever. As long as you are both okay with how it is, then it's a natural progression. He'll be fine as long as he's still getting sex and so far you're still having sex with him but you just don't feel passionate about it which most people don't after eight years. That doesn't make you a freak.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Commenting on your comment about not feeling like ripping his clothes off, I think that's because you've been together 8 years. but just because the honeymoon is over doesn't mean the whole relationship is. The kind of excitement you have in the beginning just doesn't last forever. As long as you are both okay with how it is, then it's a natural progression. He'll be fine as long as he's still getting sex and so far you're still having sex with him but you just don't feel passionate about it which most people don't after eight years. That doesn't make you a freak.


But I think retaining those memories of the "honeymoon" _*with your husband*_ phase are key. It feels like that's missing here, like he never got the chance to bond with his wife in that key way. I get that some men, some women, will have never had or need that experience to be happily married. That's OK, if they never had it previously, never had those memories to return to later. And it's OK if you openly evolve from whom you were to who you are, and no secrets are hanging out there that could turn things upside-down later.

But we're not not hearing from @immaterribleperson that she's every really had the hots, sexually, for her husband and we've not really gotten a sense of how he's doing in all this. Is he satisfied with the type of intimacy in their marriage? Does he have a clue that his wife isn't satisfied? Does his wife have a clue how he'd react if he knew she was having these feelings about her first?

I've tried to remember the feelings and experiences with my first, to better understand what my wife might be going through, what she reacted to, what caused her to reject intimacy with me immediately after it happened. And the difference is that I was open about the process and told my to-be-wife-two-years-later what it was like, what I was going through, why it mattered. She helped me work through things, and after maybe two years there really weren't any feelings of a special bonding between myself and my first at all. But there was nothing abusive or weird or reactive in my relationship with my first. I was not looking to escape something bad and look for something better when I found my to-be wife.

My to-be wife though... she was looking to escape a lifestyle that was inconsistent with who she wanted to be. Is this the case with @immaterribleperson? Did she really enjoy rip-your-clothes-off sex with her first, maybe the second (the parallels here to my own situation appear curiously similar, but that's filling in a lot of empty blanks with projections), but think that got her into trouble, causing her to make choices for guys that weren't reliable, weren't LTR material? 

Long long long way of saying could be two different things going on here. One, bonding that should have begun to fade, with her first. Second, reactive feelings that strong sexual desire got her into trouble so time to put those feelings aside when looking for the LTR guy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

immaterribleperson said:


> Just creating this post makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I'm hoping just talking about this will help.
> I've been married 2 years to my husband, together for 8 yrs total. And he seriously is amazing. I feel like I won the lottery with him. And now here is the obvious "but"
> but, I cant stop thinking about an ex. He's not even the ex before I dated my husband. He's someone from ages ago, early 2000s, but was my 1st love. Never fell for someone like that before. He was also a friend of my husband. They dont talk anymore since my ex had move out of state over 10 yrs ago.
> 
> Sometimes I'll have a dream about my ex and then it sits with me for days, almost an achy feeling. UGHHHHHH. I cant stop thinking about him and then I feel so guilty and I feel like I'm a terrible person. I dont ever want to hurt my husband, ever! But this feeling in my gut. How do I get rid of it?


Real life is about using your higher functions to make choices and paths.


Feelings are generally terrible decision makers.

I still remember a couple of exes very fondly and even still love them to a degree but I chose Mrs. Conan and continue to do that every day and my love for her has only grown over the years.

Put your feelings and dreams for your ex in a box and store it on a shelf in the back of your mind.

Be front and center for your husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So i see something emerging here.
> 
> You're in your 40's and think your prime days are behind you. THAT is a big issue.I am 46 and I can honestly say that I'm in my prime days now!
> 
> ...


I'm so glad a fitness lady posted this.

I concur and can't emphasize enough how good health and exercise habits work wonders for attraction, libido, sexual performance, confidence, etc....

Mrs. Conan and I are into our thirtieth year and can't keep our hands off each other! LoL!

We just had a gym session between client appointments and it was shoulder day for me.

Mrs. Conan pushed me up against the wall inside our mobile unit and frisked me like a naughty cop looking for "weapons" 😉.

I will never underrate everything else about a relationship but not much can compete with a good physique and health when it comes to ignition.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look up the term “Alpha Widow.”


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Look up the term “Alpha Widow.”


*ALPHA WIDOW*


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

immaterribleperson said:


> You're right. And the thought of possibly getting back with my ex isnt even a thought. I just want to get rid of this feeling. *I think the constant just ignoring and putting to the side has made it grow and made it worse.*


I think THIS could be the main part of your problem - by obsessing over your memories and feelings about them, you are creating something out of basically nothing. I'm not sure where your guilt is coming from -- feelings aren't good or bad, they just ARE. You cannot really control them, so you have NO reason to feel guilty at all.

I think everything you are going through is perfectly normal. I have lots of great memories of my first husband - he was my first love and I adored him for most of our marriage! I still think of him lovingly, and remember how excited he made me and the fun things we did together!! I don't fight those feelings or feel guilty about them...I embrace them and enjoy them. I even feel a little sad that things didn't work out. As a human person, I have the capacity to love and care about all the people who come into my life, it's just in different ways! Just because I cannot be with my first husband anymore doesn't mean I need to expel his existence and the love I felt for him from my mind and heart - I wouldn't want to!!

If I were you, when you experience feelings for your ex, I would simply notice them and acknowledge them - he meant alot to you, and will be part of your heart forever! And then let them pass (as all feelings eventually do), and remember and appreciate the even stronger, truer feelings of deep love you have for your husband...and feel grateful that you are someone who can love and care for others regardless of what part they play in your life - that's a wonderful way to be!!!


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