# Im not sure what I looking for... But here goes!



## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

Hello everyone! I just turned 24 not long ago, I have a 2 year old son and I have been married for almost 3 years now...

Here my story: So 4 years ago I met a guy back home I wasnt married nor did I know my now husband [T] at that time, so this guy who i will name J is great. When i first met him he met because of craiglist, I found his ad there, so we started talking we ended up having VERY LONG conversations on the phone. By long i mean we wouldn't hang up usually we waited until either ones phone went dead. So this went on for a month, finally the day came when we met in person, we were both shy we watched a movie and that was it. The next day J calls me and asks to come over so I said yes, one thing lead to another and things happened by this I mean we had sex. Due to his "job" at the time he was only staying a couple months in my hometown, I knew this from the get go, so a week later after having sex he left to his home state which is 2000 miles away from where I was at. We had kept in touch here and there from time to time, but thats it. 

T is a great man he loves me he treats me like a queen hes splendid, lately I just feel like he has been neglecting me. Yes I have brought up my issues to him, mainly I am more upset about the sex. Im not being sexually pleased, now to most this isnt a big deal but to me it is. I dont want quickies I too want to be pleased and feel beautiful and just plain wanted, but no its more of a all him deal. Hes done and thats it all he will say is next time sweetie next time, Im still waiting for next time...... from him.

Now because of T's job we relocated to a different state, the state where J lives. He lives 4 hours away from where I live, how exciting! So about 2 months ago I really reconnected to J, just like old times, the same we talk for hours we text we just click immediately, its amazing. We even talked about the feelings we have for each other which we really didnt need to because we know we have had these feelings for each other this whole time. 3 weeks ago there was a a get together where I knew J was going to be at, this was only an hour away from where I lived so I bought my ticket and said what the hell Im going to surprise him, I DID! We enjoyed ourselves enjoyed the music and we kissed. I felt like I was floating and it felt so right. Hes married but not with his wife, she cheated on him with another guy and got pregnant by him, so paper work is in process. Because of that, the night we kissed at the end he told me how lucky T is to have a beautiful great personality of a woman by his side, he made me feel great because I took that as a compliment as well. But what had happened was very inappropriate and couldnt happen again. I was crushed because I did not feel guilty and I very much enjoyed being in his arms and him kissing me. We kept on talking for the next three weeks, we even talked about just not talking to each other but that didnt happen, we kept texting and talking. 

Wow, so just 2 days ago I had a 4 hour trip to where J lives, I went alone to visit family and I figured why not go out and hang out with my friend J, so I did. I went over to his place and we flirted as usual, talked a bit here and there, then I told him it was time for me to leave, it was 2 a.m so he tells me for real? I said yes I need to get home and sleep some. So he offered me a bed to stay in and I was like maybe not a good idea. So to that he says well then since you didnt hug me just give me a hug and ill let you go, of course I ran to give him a hug, he wouldnt let go and we kissed. Im sure from there you know what happened. Everything felt right nothing wrong at all, he satisfied me! I felt fulfilled on how gentle and how great he made me feel. I havent felt this way in a very long time. I spent the night with him. Later that day I went out with him again, we went to his home and we talked for a while then we went to sleep, it was amazing! We slept in each others arms, I felt so wanted and safe and as if I belonged there.The next day, which is today I had to leave [oh so sad] so we hugged and said our good bye's. 

Now Im just so lost, I love my husband but I also love this other man. Let me tell you one more thing J's appearance wise has changed a lot, so much that hes the type that I wouldnt go for at all, thats how I know I like/love/ have lust for this man. Im lost because I know I dont want to put my family mainly my son through the painful agonizing damage a divorce may cause and honestly T doesnt deserve it, hes a great man. I do not feel guilty not one bit for having sex with J this weekend, I know I should but I dont! I like this man so much that when he sends me a text my whole day i so much better, yes he brightens up my day! He makes me take deep breaths just when i think about him. Hes not in the financial position my husband is he cant give me everything that my husband does provide for me, but even with that I still want him. 

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he treats me as if I were his, he makes me feel like a woman. 

Im not sure I want to take any action of any sort but I need to vent need advice what would you do? What do you think? I know I am completely wrong here but really Im ok with that, I want them/need them both. I never thought I would be in this position Ive put myself in. 

I dont know what to do, all I know is that I dont want to hurt my husband and child. I dont want to give J up... 

Thank you for reading this and any input would be great, please be nice, Im only human, I make mistakes.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

so_lost said:


> so just 2 days ago I had a 4 hour trip to where J lives, I went alone to visit family and I figured why not go out and hang out with my friend J, so I did.


why not?

maybe because you are married? thats why not!

i am not sure what you are trying to ask, if anything....

your cheating and you dont even feel guilty about it and you have no remorse....

tell your husband about everything tomorrow....he deserves the truth....if you cant do it to his face then let him read this....


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

I didnt want to post this because Im not the victim here nor do I want to come off as one, my marriage was an arranged marriage. I only knew my now husband 2 days before we got married. Just a thought of mine is that maybe because this other man J is the one who got away, is the reason why I feel the way that I do. Im not looking for people to be on my side, but divorce in my situation is not an option.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

so_lost said:


> I didnt want to post this because Im not the victim here nor do I want to come off as one, my marriage was an arranged marriage. I only knew my now husband 2 days before we got married. Just a thought of mine is that maybe because this other man J is the one who got away, is the reason why I feel the way that I do. Im not looking for people to be on my side, but divorce in my situation is not an option.


arranged marriage or not....it doesnt matter....what you are doing to your husband is WRONG and he DESERVES to know the truth....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I dont know if your husband T wants to share you with another man. Does he?

I dont know if you want 2 men, a husband and a lover, at the same time?

*No, you are not the victim here. * *Your husband T is.* You have cause him great harm. He deserves to know. Otherwise your guilt will eat away at you and you will lose yourself (which only happens if you have a conscience).

The consequences of your adultery will now impact your husband, your son and yourself forever now. You may be surprised at the negative ripple effects that your adultery has initiated.

And who cares about the marriage destroyer J. He should know better given that his wife got pregnant by another man. Now he has destroyed your marriage.

Make things right. Take ownership of your actions. Confess to your husband. This is probably the only honorable way you have before karma (or natural justice) wipes you out.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

aug said:


> I dont know if your husband T wants to share you with another man. Does he?
> 
> I dont know if you want 2 men, a husband and a lover, at the same time?
> 
> ...


OP has no guilt. You'd have to have a heart to feel guilt. Sounds like a troll - most people raised in the culture where there are arranged marriages wouldn't be out tramping around.
Where is your son in all of this? Who kept your baby when you were cheating?
Most people are here full of pain due to heartless actions such as yours. Don't think you'll get a lot of support or well-wishers for your sad actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

This does sound like a troll post, but for the sake of debate, i will treat it as though it is not.

The OP said she has no guilt over her adultry... then she was probably never in love with her husband to begin with. I know a lot of women, few cheat on their men squarely because of their husband's s#x game isn't the greatest, especially when the hubby is doing everything else right. 

So Lost, what you have to ask yourself is... what do you think will happen now? YOu already said divorce is not an option. Depending on your culture, telling him would be a bad idea as well because foregivenss in these matters is pretty much unheard of. J took advantage of you under your situation, and guess what, you might as well undressed the second you walked through the door, because you should of never gone to see him in the first place.

So my advice is different. Don't tell your husband, break off ALL communications with J ( delete his contact, changed your #, etc) and work on your marriage. Because it doesnt' sound like you have a choice here. There's a reason why you can't get off during s#x... because you have ZERO connection to your husband. Start to know him again first, before you get down to the bedroom action.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell your husbanfd you are having an affair and deal with the consequences.

Living in la-la-land and sleeping with J on the side is going to resolve the problems in your marriage. 

Own up to what you have done and go from there. Having an affair isn't the answer.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's never the greatest thing for a marriage to date other men.


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

So my advice is different. Don't tell your husband, break off ALL communications with J ( delete his contact, changed your #, etc) and work on your marriage. Because it doesnt' sound like you have a choice here. There's a reason why you can't get off during s#x... because you have ZERO connection to your husband. Start to know him again first, before you get down to the bedroom action.[/QUOTE]


Thank you, youve been the only person to actually give advice that can help me out. The consequences I face if this ever came out are far greater than just a divorce and have my child taken away from me. And you were right I lost that connection with the husband, I only see him but 2 hours a day the rest I spend by myself, getting that attention from another man was my weakness. As far as my conscience well it remains intact well because I have reasons, I dont let people get to me. Regardless of my actions and my situation I know I did wrong, but I just dont feel guilty about it. Not that I dont care or else I wouldnt be here. Any way I appreciate the advice and Thank you for not being hurtful and actually thinking outside the box!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

so_lost said:


> Regardless of my actions and my situation I know I did wrong, but I just dont feel guilty about it.


I'm not surprised. You can choose not to tell your husband but if he finds out on his own, I wonder if you will still feel the same.


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

I believe that if my husband would find out I would feel the same, you learn to block feelings like this because of what has happened in your life, this just doesnt happen over night.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If you don't care if your husband finds out about your affair with Mr. Perfect then the marriage is probably doomed. 

Maybe it would be best to let him go?


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

By all means yes it is the best thing for him to let me go, like I said this cant happen and I know it wont. Divorce is not an option here, if it were I would have waited for the divorce to be done with before I ended up with this other man but I know it wont happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

so_lost said:


> I believe that if my husband would find out I would feel the same


Again, I'm not surprised.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

so_lost said:


> Thank you, youve been the only person to actually give advice that can help me out.


no....all of our advice can help you out....you really mean this is the only advice that you like or want to hear....that does not make it right....


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

The person who gave that advice actually took into consideration other factors of my life when he wrote his response. Of course it doesnt make it right nothing will, not even the truth will and I already see someone telling me that it will but because Im in a way further complicated situation here it really doesnt. When you want to leave and are not allowed it makes things a lot more difficult. Im not happy in this marriage Ive expressed this thought/feeling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lonelyman said:


> no....all of our advice can help you out....you really mean this is the only advice that you like or want to hear....


Precisely.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

In your profile you said you are bisexual. So I am assuming your issues with your husband is more complicated than you let on.

Even if your husband does not catch on, I would think other members of his and your family will eventually.

You are making your situation complicated. I still think honesty with yourself and others is the way to go.

Are you in the States? If so, there should be places like women shelters that could help.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

so_lost said:


> So my advice is different. Don't tell your husband, break off ALL communications with J ( delete his contact, changed your #, etc) and work on your marriage. Because it doesnt' sound like you have a choice here. There's a reason why you can't get off during s#x... because you have ZERO connection to your husband. Start to know him again first, before you get down to the bedroom action.



Thank you, youve been the only person to actually give advice that can help me out. The consequences I face if this ever came out are far greater than just a divorce and have my child taken away from me. And you were right I lost that connection with the husband, I only see him but 2 hours a day the rest I spend by myself, getting that attention from another man was my weakness. As far as my conscience well it remains intact well because I have reasons, I dont let people get to me. Regardless of my actions and my situation I know I did wrong, but I just dont feel guilty about it. Not that I dont care or else I wouldnt be here. Any way I appreciate the advice and *Thank you for not being hurtful *and actually thinking outside the box![/QUOTE]

Ironically, when i first joined here, i was very upfront with my advice. I came from another board (Askmen.com) and on there, you practice tough love, and tell it like it is! I did that initially to someone here, they took offense, got the mods involved, and i looked back, she was right. If you come across too harsh, the message you are trying to convey is lost. Because the reciever never gets pass the tone of your approach. These posters on here, i know most of these guys/gals, and they aren't trying to be mean to you. Jellybean gives great advise on a handful of subjects. 

As for your husband. You have to try something, you have to do something, because this cannot continue the way it is now. Right now, you are in what's called, "The Fog." Its that happy, numb feeling you get at the height of your affair. Only thing is... that Fog doesn't last, and when its over and done with, so will your abilty to disconnect yourself from your guilt. That's why i beg of you to stop the affair sooner than later. Not only for the sake of your marriage, but the sake of your own well being as well. Because at the end of the day, you'll have to ask yourself, is this the type of person i've become?


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

so_lost said:


> I believe that if my husband would find out I would feel the same, you learn to block feelings like this because of what has happened in your life, this just doesnt happen over night.



I think you need to stop blocking your feeling and deal with the things that have happened in your life and the affair you are having. Your husband deserves the truth!

I too blocked my feelings at one time in my life and I look back now and wish I wouldn’t have. It's not living in reality. It sounds like you are hurt by things that have happened to you in your life but what you are doing now is making things even more complicated. Don't suppress your hurt with fake happiness and do the right thing!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Met a guy on craigslist, I hope you used protection and then got tested.

And if you got Aids from this guy then gave it to your husband, or some other STD? I guess you'll feel no remorse also, tough **** to your husband right because he can't satisfy your sexually you'll just give him an STD as a present.

You're in it with your husband for the money and security. You don't want to tell or else you'll have to go out on your own and work hard to have the life you have now??

At least be honest of why you're staying. And yes I'll be harsh because I was the cheater and I'm always hardest on the cheaters.


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## so_lost (Aug 22, 2011)

Ive been on both sides of the spectrum, Ive cheated and have been cheated on. I know how it feels, my thought to that was well hope it was enjoyed and worth it. The security I get from my husband has nothing to do with money. I make good money on my own. 

Thank you all for the advice, harsh or not harsh it all in the end is advice/opinions. Hurtful words dont phase me, I needed guidance and I believe Ive received what I asked for.


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