# what would you do if you think a woman is in a bad relationship



## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

I am teaching a woman that is a mother of four. She has missed so many of my classes and is always late in handing in her assignments. I talked to her this week. 

She really wants to finish her schooling so she can continue with her career for her children. She just moved and has to drop off her children and pick them up at school everyday. I asked her why her children are not taking the school bus and she said it was because they live outside the school district. I asked why she doesn't put her kids into another school so they can take the bus. She didn't want to remove the kids from their school because they wouldn't have their friends and it wouldn't help since they move every couple of months. 

She says her husband works all the time and doesn't help her with the children. She also said family refuses to have anything to do with her so she has no one to help her with the children. I asked her is she has friends that could help her and she said no. The kids school does have daycare but she can't afford it. She was in tears when she was telling me her story and I didn't want to push her to tell me more. 

I do believe she is trying to better herself but she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I assume the reason why they move all the time is because they don't pay rent. I have the feeling she wants to succeed because she wants to give her children a better life without her husband. 

I gave her advise to apply for reduced child care. She said she was denied in the past. Her husband is a cook and doesn't make that much money so I don't understand why they would be denied. 

I told her in the workplace an employer isn't going to let her come and go whenever she felt like it. She said employers let her before. I asked her where she worked before and she told me a bakery for a month, that is her work experience. The poor lady has been taking care of her children with no contact with family or friends for years. 

What advise would you give her or is she playing head games with me? Currently she is failing everything.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Victim mentality. Victim mentality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

Wonderful article NoIssues. I believe she has many of the symptoms of this disorder. 

Should I got go slow and easy with her? I had another student a few weeks ago also have break down and I brought her right to the councellors office. My gut feeling I can't do that to this student yet.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sounds very frustrating. There is no way to know what the real story is, there is no way to know how much of her misery she brings upon herself. To act honorably is to listen, as you have, and offer resources, as you have. 

Is she failing due to lack of work or poor work performance? 

Here are some little sayings I remember to help guide me in these type circumstances:
1. We all have our role to play and none of us can play all roles.
2. There is good help out there I can show you how to get it, but you must get it for yourself.
3. Sometimes rock bottom actually has a false floor. I thought you were there but apparently you've found the false floor.
4. We all live in the hell of our own making. I prefer chocolate frosting on mine!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I was reluctant to say "how is it your (issue, responsibilitiy, business) because I am a helper too but I draw the line when their is ZERO reception and move on having determined it futile and spend that erngy on someone more deserving of it. Sorry if thats harsh.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I taught for some number of years for a major University. I never allowed myself to get this involved with a student. Yes you try to mentor them. But past a certain point it was not my place to advise them in personal matters like this.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

Thank you so much for all your advise and snapping me back into reality. 

Anon Pink - the student is failing plan and simple. After our little talk she did come in for extra help in her studies. She misses so many classes but will not ask her classmates for notes. Thanks for your little sayings!! 

NoIssues - thanks for the reality slap. I am recovering from my own life mistakes I shouldn't be thinking I can solve all her problems. 

Entrophy - I just started teaching and I agree with everything you have said. I will be more aware next time. 

Thanks again. I know this sounds heartless but I feel less guilty that I didn't help her more at the time.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You sound very empathetic and nurturing, perhaps that why you went into teaching. I don't think you're heartless to not help her more. She doesn't sound like she's ready for help. It sounds like she has an explanation, or excuse if you will, for not making changes. Until she changes her mindset, and that's not something you can do for her because she has to get to that point on her own, all the possible resources available to make her life easier won't be of any use. Don't try to be a female knight in shining armor or you'll get burned out from teaching.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like everyone will be fine. Just not the way you think you want it to be. The kids are in school (nearly?) every day so let the teachers deal with any issues that come up. If they disappear from school, social services will become involved. Which is maybe the point of keeping them in the school. And the point of her being enrolled in school, to keep benefits. 

Anyway, nobody is dying. So what if her life is a mess. She's living in a country where people go to school and getting there is the worst problem? Not like in a country where people are getting mortared for being the wrong ethnicity. 

Obviously she has the resources to get her kids to school and for her to get herself to your office. And they have clothes and food.

If she doesn't want to learn or to show up for classes, she'll fail and someone who does will take her place. 

I don't know why you think this is the husband's fault or a bad relationship.Honestly, she sounds like a nutcase.

My professor told me this past week about all the lies students have told him in the past...being pregnant, losing the baby, parents dying, etc. The pressure of school can cause a lot of people to tell all kinds of lies. You can refer her to the school's remedial program if you think she's going to fail. Let them deal with it.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

needymom said:


> What advise would you give her or is she playing head games with me? Currently she is failing everything.


If your school allows students to go part time, she should go to a single course. Maybe take a semester off completely too.

If your school doesn't allow students to go part time or puts pressure on them to graduate within a given timeframe, she should change schools unless she is really close to graduating.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

Maybe I misread this student because she turned on the tears. 

Yes students do lie and come up with some unbelievable excuses and for some reason they flock to me and tell my everything. 

I think this student should go down to part time but she doesn't want to. We will see if this week if she pulls up her socks.


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