# Wife-Mother Conflict



## rocket18

I realize that this is a very popular topic, and have seen many similar posts on many websites, but nothing that completely fit my situation so I thought I would try posting for some advice.

There is a lot of tension between my wife and my mother. We have been married for 6 years. My wife thinks that my mother doesn’t like her and feels that she is not a part of the family. She feels that my mother intentionally does not speak to her when we are together. They have had their disagreements. They are both so much different. My wife is more sarcastic and blunt about things, where my mother does not handle sarcasm and is very non-confrontational. Of course when my wife gets upset about something that she perceives that my mother did, I am usually quick to say “well I really don’t think she meant it that way”, which of course does not make my wife happy. She thinks that I am just taking my mother’s side. I am not trying to take her side; I just don’t see it as being an attack on my wife like she does. 

Of course when I speak to my mother about it, she has plenty of excuses and says that she doesn’t realize that she is doing this. But I know that she also feels that my wife is keeping me away from her, which is not the case. It may be perceived that way, as ever since this conflict has been going on, I don’t really see my parents much; mainly because I don’t want to go without my wife.

My wife is to the point now that she just wants to be done with my family and not be around them anymore. She says that she doesn’t care if I go see them and attend family functions with them, but she doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I have been trying to fix the issue (which may be adding to the problem) for years now to no end. I just want everyone to get along or at the very least tolerate each other. We don’t have any kids yet, but we both would like too. My wife has said that she doesn’t know if that is even a good idea with the conflict that this all caused between us. My parents don’t even realize the stress and conflict that this has caused in our marriage. It has gotten pretty bad. 

Should I just completely separate my extended family from my family (me and my wife)? Should I keep the two separate. Should cut ties with my extended family (more so my mother)? I am at a loss and I am afraid that if this goes on much longer that it may destroy my marriage. I would hate to think that something like this would cause that but it can get nasty sometimes.


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## CallaLily

You shouldn't have to cut ties with your family just because your wife and mother do not see eye to eye. 

However, have you thought about getting the two of them together? In the same room with you. You telling both of them how you feel about it etc. Ask you wife to tell you mother how what she does or doesn't do makes her feel. And vice versa with your mother. 

It sounds like somethings need to be gotten out in the open. Sometimes talking about things can help clear the air and help to resolve things. Even if it didn't resolve things, it could still be good that they both know where they stand. They need to respect each others ways. Your wife is more open and blunt and your mother not so much etc. They need to see if they can find a middle ground. I'm not saying for sure this will work but its worth a shot.


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## Hicks

In a marriage, you should side with your wife. Her concerns should be your concerns. Her feelings should always be considered valid.

You should hold a standard that anyone who wants to work to be a part of YOUR life should make your wife feel welcomed and comfortable.

Don't speak to your mother about what it is or what she does... Just tell her that in order for "US" to come visit, "WE" need to feel comfortable.


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## CafeRed

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties between your wife and your mother. In-law relationships can be very challenging sometimes. 

Have you ever thought about talking to a marriage counselor? They deal with situations like yours all the time and they might be able to help you come up with a helpful solution. I work for Focus on the Family, and they have counselors that you can speak with by phone (at no cost to you). If you're interested, you can give them a call at 1-(855)-771-HELP (4357). 

I also came across this article series that you might find useful. It covers many aspects of in-law relationships. I hope it helps. Hang in there, friend. God's best to you!


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## RDL

Hello,

I would advise that reconciliation between the two women is likely the best option. 

Please keep in mind that in the context of a committed relationship both partners are wise to do everything they can to promote balance. As such it would be unfair for one partner to demand the other cut off all ties. 

Overall most likely both your wife and your mother are normal human beings and can get along to a certain extent if they work at it. 

I would suggest that you need help in improving the situation. I would suggest that you get your wife first to a very good marriage counselor and then get your mother together with your wife to him. You likely need specialist help for this reconciliation and please keep in mind that there might be other issues in your relationship that you yourself could use some training on. 

If you are religious the services of a very wise pastor would be also good.


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## venuslove

HI, I am the wife on the receiving end of some very nasty stuff from my mil. It is not the kind of things that you could just pretend were slights. It's hurtful and my husband has finally recognized that they have been and will not stop trying to tear us apart. 
It has almost come to divorce. You do need to side with your wife. She is an extension of you. Not in the way that she is not her own person, but her life is intertwined with yours. Just think of your grandmother being mean to your mother, wouldn't you expect your father to stand up for your mother? 
Also, it sounds like it has gone on pretty long and gotten pretty bad for your wife if she is considering not having children because of it. She may even respect you less for not standing up for her to your mother. Counseling would be good.


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