# backsliding? more like an avalanche



## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I thought I was doing so well. I was doing my 180, firm nc. Have been living in my own home for about a month. Work was getting better. I hadn't spoken to my stbx in about a month, as well. It had been weeks since I cried in public. I have been working on myself. I was at a point where I was 98% sure that I wanted the divorce, amd that I could move on. 
The roller coaster seemed to be slowing down. I was even starting to think, maybe I'm not a penguin. Maybe I am not mated for life, and can love again... or at least be interested in someone else. 
Then my wedding anniversary came. Apparently I decided to torture myself as a gift. My stbx and I met for breakfast. We had a long talk about what went down between us. About his life with the OW. He seemed... I don't know. He kept telling me what a huge mistake he had made. That he was sorry. Seemed like he was himself again.
That day was fine. But it apparently opened a floodgate. NC went out the window. We have been texting daily ever since. I have also been playing the "what if" game ever since. And am back to fighting tears in public. Back to that toxic hope that things could still work out. Obsessing about how that hug goodbye felt.
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Is he staying with OW? If he is, start over with NC. Do you think you want to R.

Don't beat yourself up. The first anniversary of our separation was really hard. I tried to keep myself busy an distracted, but all day long I knew, and I felt like a failure. Time really does help.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Breaking NC almost puts a person back to square one. It's so painful. 

The ball is in his court. He's the one with someone else. You may want to text him that as long as he is with someone else please do not text you.

You have to be fair to yourself, and texting him while he is with another woman is not fair or healthy for you.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Yes, he moved his AP into our home the day after I moved out. He claims it was for financial reasons. I have trouble swallowing that. 
When he was talking about leaving her and wanting me back, I made no commitments. He would have to do that on his own without me promising to be there as a safety net for me to even consider R. When he was saying all of it, I kept telling myself to keep going with my healing, amd cross that bridge if it's ever built. 
We have only been separated for two months. I know that this takes time. I just can't believe how far backwards this is taking me. The what if game is driving me crazy, amd my brain will not give it up.
I really don't know if R would even be possible, but if it is at some point, how could I not give it a shot? I married him, doesn't that deserve the effort? I don't know, I would at least consider it. I guess it depends where I am in my own life. 
This post is getting as convoluted as my brain, I must stop here.
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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

myfutureisgone said:


> I married him, doesn't that deserve the effort? I don't know, I would at least consider it. I guess it depends where I am in my own life.


You married a guy who cheated on you and moved his affair partner into your home the day after you left.

He has no consideration or regard for your feelings at all. He's communicating with you, keeping you on the string while he's still screwing his affair partner who lives with him in your former residence.

He's thoroughly enjoying the attention he's getting from 2 women and only thinking about what he wants. 

There is nothing to save here.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I understand, and mostly agree. 
He just knows me so well. He knows what strings to pull. And even though I didn't show it or admit it at the time... it worked. It sucked me right back under the avalanche. And this time my mantra of "he doesn't love you, he threw you away, move on." Doesn't seem to be working. Because he says he does love me, and never wanted me to leave, blah blah blah. I need a new mantra. Something harsh that conveys moving on with my life is the only option.
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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

If he is still living with the OW then he doesn't really think he made a mistake. He wants you as a backup. If he wanted it over with the OW, he would have kicked her out. 

Keep the no contact. It will help you center yourself. You are only beginning the "roller coaster." You can expect more ups and downs. That is okay.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

I agree, he's starting to realize the green colored grass I actually kind of yellow. He's testing the waters to see if you'd take him back. What do you want? Can you trust him ever again? What will happen when the next younger, hotter looking filly comes along ? I agree, if he's serious about wanting you back, he should breakup with the OW first before you make ANY commitments. No hints, no promises from you. THE ENDING WITH HER HAS TO COME FROM HIM.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I know he can't afford to live on his own with his current income vs expenses. So I believe that he cannot afford to just throw her out. That being said, there are other options. He could move to a place he CAN afford alone. Which would be pretty hard to find in this city. Or he can find a better job, which he needs anyway. 
I am just sick of thinking about it. Sick of wondering what I would do if... who cares? Cross that bridge if it's built. 
I had a pretty good thing happen today and immediately wanted to tell him all about it. I tried talking to other people instead, but ended up texting him anyway. There is a small petty part of me that loves him knowing how well I am doing without him. Unfortunately, it comes at a price.
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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

As a former co-dependent myself, I see signs of it in your posts. I could be completely wrong, but it may be worth looking into. Best wishes to you.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Melody Beattie - Codependent No More


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I will definitely look into that.
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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes you are backsliding and just remember for the misery you are feeling right now he is relishing each and every minute of it. He knows he can come back at anytime and you are there for him. 

He isn’t living with you, you don’t care where he is living now. You don’t care his financial problems right now, they are all excuses. It is hard and painful but you must stop the what if game. Facts never lie, just look at the facts. Where is he staying tonight? That single thought and fact should be harsh enough. The only way for him to believe your life is going well without him is to not include him in anything


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you. I need harsh words to drive the what if's away. It was harsh thoughts that got me to a place where I was 98% sure I wanted a divorce. But one conversation with him erased half of those harsh words. "He doesn't want you, he is happy with her." Doesn't work so well when I am told that he isn't happy with her, and that he wishes he could have me back. Though I told him that wasn't going to happen... it eroded the confidence. 
I want that surety back. The surety that I am doing the only thing that I CAN do. The only way I can survive.
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