# Can't seem to move on



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I haven't posted in a while, thought maybe TAM was hindering my ability to move on, but I'm sure now that's not the case. 

I have tried numerous things but no matter what I do I can't seem to move past it all. I have sat and reflected day in and day out and there is no end to it. I'm 99% sure I lost the love of my life and there is just no living with it. I don't know, I don't see how I am going to be able to keep living like this. I keep myself busy and still I think about him 24/7. Does any one ever truly move on or do they just keep moving forward and hope it goes away one day? 

For instance, how do you ever love someone again? When this first happened I had thoughts of maybe finding someone someday but now I am adamant I never want to be in a relationship again. I Definitely do not want to be married again. 

For me, it's not worth all this pain.

I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to move on.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

It's always tough to go through separation. How long have you been separated?
During the first few weeks of my separation, I literally would throw up from grief. I had night sweats thinking of what life is like without my husband. Everybody around us thinks that he is the one who has the most fault in our relationship since he did not show leadership, and took the cowardly way, by telling me that he doesn't know how to fix our marriage anymore, and he thinks it's time for us to split up.
The reason for our separation was very petty compared to what some of the members have experienced here. There was no cheating, drinking, drugs or anything unforgivable, but he chose to give up after 4 years of marriage.
During the first few months, there would be days when I would wake up and say..."I'm ok today!"
but then there would be days, where I don't even want to get up from bed since I could not believe what happened to my marriage. I missed my husband so much.
Six months later...I still pray that we can resolve our marriage (he doesn't want to file a divorce, he says he doesn't know where he's at, which is infuriating)
But you know what...I know now that whatever happens, I'll be ok. You can't flip the switch and say you won't love your husband anymore.
When you marry, you have committed something primeval inside of you to that particular person, and it's very difficult to shake that out. You have shared hopes, dreams, and desires to spend your lifetime together, and that's what's you're giving up and maybe losing when a marriage breaks.
So grieve...cling to friends and family, and pray...pray a lot.
And it will get better in the end.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

That's exactly where I am. I don't see how I could ever love anyone else, and what's more I'm afraid no one will love me again. I hope it gets better.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Been separated for around 3 months. There is no reconciliation- straight to divorce. I didn't even get a chance to try and fix things. I boarded a plane as per his request and that was it. I never got to say goodbye, etc. 

I'll never see him again in my life apparently. Also won't talk to him again. Actually tonight he told me via text to delete his phone number/email etc. He said that he was going to change his phone number......not sure why, I text him occasionally, but it's not like harassment. That hurt a lot. I considered him my best friend we shared everything, did everything together,we grew up and went to school together. How can a best friend you've been with for so long just cut you out of their life like this. I didn't do anything wrong -there's no other person on either end, nothing. 

Ive been through it a million times. I thought I was on the road to recovery but here I am again completely down and out. I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without even being able to talk to him. I can't believe it. How am I ever going to to be able to get through this.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Hugs


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Caught:

Your post made me cry. I was in your position 36 years ago when my first marriage collapsed. I was married to a passive aggressive man who never told me why he fell out of love with me. It took me years to figure out that he had resentments that he refused to discuss. I could not fix what I did not know was broken.

I thought he was the only man in the world for me; he was my first love; my prince charming. A year after our divorce I met my wonderful husband. He talks and talks, and would never let our relationship grow cold over hidden resentments. I appreciate him even more because of the pain of my first marriage. We have now been married for 34 years, and have 2 adult children.

Last year, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from my first husband. He too had re-married, and his wife stays in bed all day, makes him do all the work around the house, and invents one illness after another. His children have problems with anger and weight issues. He said he was sorry for not being the man that I needed when we were young. I think he jumped too quickly into his second marriage, and did not see the red flags she was waving. Because he is passive aggressive, he did not know how to articulate his needs to her.

It has been quite a journey learning about myself. I am now grateful for my divorce because it made me appreciate my husband so much more. I learned things that I couldn't have l learned any other way.

Be gentle with yourself. Develop interests that you may have neglected while becoming one with your husband. Believe that there is more than 1 person who is right for you.

Hang in there. There is more than 1 person for each of us. You will find another man, and your happiness will be increased by the depths that sorrow has carved out in your soul.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I read something recently that resonated with me, why letting go of someone is so hard. 

"inside my fear of letting go of another person, I had feared that I would be letting go of the love they held for me. If I let go of their vision, then how could I trust that I would still be seen?"

It hit me that it's not the person that you're letting go of, it is the love they held for you and you held for them - how you saw each other when you fell in love. The thing is, everything ends. Even the best marriages will eventually end in the death of one partner or the other (not to get too maudlin), so you can't be afraid of the ending, nor can you be afraid that those feelings somehow become untrue, like it never happened, or it wasn't special or unique. It was, it just found an ending you didn't want or weren't ready for.

An ending creates open space, and it feels wrong at first, foreign. you feel like you need to fill it somehow, or you leave what was there before in that spot, even though it's over. In yoga, we breathe to create space and tension in our bodies, and once that space is created we surrender, relax and fold into another pose, deeper than we could before that open space existed. Our lives are the same. Endings create new space and tension, but you have to just relax and let your life fill it with some new thing. You haven't lost what you had, you've just learned how to make more room - for new love, for new passions, new interests.

missing him and the pain won't go away for a while, so you can just surrender to it. But while you do that, make sure you keep taking deep breaths to make new space and do something just for you every day with that space.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without even being able to talk to him.


I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but that could be a blessing in disguise. I assume there are no kids involved, since that would be hard to go through life with no contact. In my case (and others with kids), we have to have contact with the spouse that threw us in the garbage for the rest of our lives. I would think that it would be much easier to get over the pain without seeing them on a regular basis. It will hurt for a while, but you will recover.


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