# I dont know what to do next...



## Cnixon (Mar 13, 2013)

Three weeks ago my husband decided that he was unclear on whether or not he wanted to be married anymore. We have only been married for about 7 months and I had no idea we were having major concerns. We had a pretty big fight one night and he left to cool off. However, he came back the following day and we both promised to work on a couple things in marriage counseling. Then 2 days later he called me at work and said he no longer wanted to be married and that he had moved out. 

From that day one went went to marriage counseling twice however he refuses to go because "he doesnt see us working" and that he cant "forgive me" for things done/said in the past (no cheating, physcial abuse, addictions, or anything else major). 

But the confusing part about it all is that even though he left he still comes over almost everyday for one reason or another. He comes by to watch our favorite shows together, eat dinner, or just hangout like everything is ok. But when its time to go to bed he leaves and goes to his parents. 

This past week he stayed the night Thursday and Friday and it seemed like we were getting back on track. Then we had another talk yesterday and he made it very clear that his feelings havent changed and that he doesnt see our marriage working. So in return I asked for us to seperate without communicating for a little while and he agreed.

My heart hurts so bad and I dont know what else to do. I am so sick of praying and crying everynight. I think what hurts me the most is that I know that he still loves me and is in love with me. I dont understand why he wont fight for our marriage like I have been. I realized that I cant fight this battle alone and have now given up on our marriage also. 

I know that it has only been 3 weeks but is that too early to throw in the towel or do I continue to fight?


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

You need to set boundaries and have him respect them. Either the marriage is over - in which case he should stay away from you - or he wants to work on it, in which case spending time with you is appropriate.

You need to make him make a choice, even if that choice is painful. At the moment he is getting everything he wants (having his cake and eating it) without having to make a decision. So there is no incentive at all for him to make a decision. This is selfish and potentially emotionally abusive behaviour. 

Others will, no doubt, tell you to look for another woman. That could be good advice. It does seem odd that someone who should still be not long out of the "honeymoon" stage of a marriage doesn't want to sleep with his wife. That may be guilt speaking loud and clear. Spending time with you might be guilt too - you will only find out if you force the issue.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cnixon

Volts advice is spot on.

Your H is acting very strange for a newlywed.

Can you tell us what you guys have been fighting over? What damaging words have been said to each other?

Also look at the cell bill to see if he is talking to texting someone else heavily.

ANd before you give up why don't you list the reasons why you married him?

Then tell us if those reasons still exist in your relationship before he walked out the door....


----------



## Cnixon (Mar 13, 2013)

yes I have looked at his cell phone bill and phone. He has never been secretive about his phone and always where he is supposed to be. I truly dont think he is cheating considering the fact that for the past 3 weeks that we have been living seperate he is still calling and spending his free time at OUR home. 

The fight was over his family (as always). I went to his family event, even though I didnt want to go, just to be with him (bc it was his bday). He already knew that I didnt really want to go but that I was only going for him. Well I get to the event with my daughter and my husband leaves me at the table ALONE for an hour with a room full of people that we both know that doesnt like me, while he was outside with the guys. We had a fall out there and left to go home. At this time I am in the car crying telling him that "I sucked up my pride just to be with him on his bday...." and all he could say was that if it was his bday that he should be able to be with whoever he want and he jumped in his car and left to go back to the event. Hours later he comes in the house pissed off at me because his family got on him about bringing me to the event.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Cnixon said:


> The fight was over his family (as always). I went to his family event, even though I didnt want to go, just to be with him (bc it was his bday). He already knew that I didnt really want to go but that I was only going for him. Well I get to the event with my daughter and my husband leaves me at the table ALONE for an hour with a room full of people that we both know that doesnt like me, while he was outside with the guys. We had a fall out there and left to go home. At this time I am in the car crying telling him that "I sucked up my pride just to be with him on his bday...." and all he could say was that if it was his bday that he should be able to be with whoever he want and he jumped in his car and left to go back to the event. Hours later he comes in the house pissed off at me because his family got on him about bringing me to the event.


That's an argument. That's not a reason for a marriage to fall apart.

Either this is your first real bust up (and you two need to work out how to argue and to make up constructively - because it happens a lot in a marriage) or this is a symptom but certainly not a cause. 

Are there any issues about him having to choose between his family and you? Is he tied to Mommy's apron strings, for example, or torn between loyalty to family (and the need to spend time with them) and loyalty to you?


----------



## Cnixon (Mar 13, 2013)

EXACTLY!!! We had another argument yesterday about him cutting the ambilical cord from the family and be a man (another thing on the list of things he cant forgive me) I am always left feeling like he picks his family over me. On our wedding night he was going to leave me at the hotel just to go have a drink with his cousins. Even now throughout this situation I read a text msg from his sister about how the family doesnt like me and that they want him to leave me,but I guess when he left he had to find away to make himself look like the victim and it was at my expense. 
And its abvious that he is torn between them and me. When he is with me at home you can tell that he really wants to be there however when he gets the "pep" talk from someone from the family he just changes.

I love my husband and would love for it to work but now Im not even sure that I want to deal with a momma's boy forever...


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Cnixon said:


> EXACTLY!!! We had another argument yesterday about him cutting the ambilical cord from the family and be a man (another thing on the list of things he cant forgive me) I am always left feeling like he picks his family over me. On our wedding night he was going to leave me at the hotel just to go have a drink with his cousins. Even now throughout this situation I read a text msg from his sister about how the family doesnt like me and that they want him to leave me,but I guess when he left he had to find away to make himself look like the victim and it was at my expense.
> And its abvious that he is torn between them and me. When he is with me at home you can tell that he really wants to be there however when he gets the "pep" talk from someone from the family he just changes.
> 
> I love my husband and would love for it to work but now Im not even sure that I want to deal with a momma's boy forever...


Well then, I'm afraid it's very clear and easy. Either you are his top priority or his family is. He has to choose. You being his top priority doesn't mean that he never gets to see his family, but that you have first call on his time, his emotional energy and his loyalty. 

He must understand, though, that if he chooses the family over you then it's over. You are too good, worth too much, to play second fiddle all your life. If you accept that you will have a lousy marriage. 

For your own sake you must make him choose and you must make him stick by what he says. You must be prepared to do what is necessary if he chooses family over you. I know it's hard, but it will be far, far harder if you sweep this issue under the carpet. It will mean years of heartache for you.


EDIT: It may well be, of course, that he initially chooses family over you but that after a period of reflection he realises the error of his ways. So be tough with him, but be prepared to talk - but don't allow yourself to get your hopes up or to weaken.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Volt is right on the money again.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Volt is right on the money again.


Shame I never am with my own situation :scratchhead:


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Shame I never am with my own situation :scratchhead:


Because you are too close to it.

How can you think straight when you are being used as a punching bag.


----------

