# What's wrong here? Husband mentally cruises for other women



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I shared a personal situation on TAM and later, on a different thread by a different OP, one of the responses to that thread was to dig up and re-post from that OP's history on TAM over the past 6 years. I no longer feel safe sharing personal information like this on TAM and have erased what I can of this thread because I don't want something I experienced to be dug up and re-hashed years later. My husband was called names on this thread and people lamented about "I don't know how anyone can stay" with such a person. I am a real flesh and blood person and the hateful responses have taught me a valuable lesson about where and with whom to share highly personal information.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Wow, talk about boundary issues!!! I would not put a dare to him though. That's asking for trouble because in his boundary-less state of mind, he could take that as permission. I believe you need to retract that statement as quickly as possible and use it as the centerpiece for why the two of you need help. If you say just him, nothing's going to happen. In this instance, taking on some of the responsibility yourself may be required to get him into counseling. You've already had such issues yourself anyway. Consider it, at the very least, a tune-up for yourself.

Please don't delay. You've got a really serious issue here. He's already crossing lines all over the place. If there's a reunion, don't allow it to be literal. Either you go with him, or nobody goes. He's not in a state of mind where your marriage is safe. Even if he doesn't go, that's the case. But if he does go? If you want to fix this, he simply cannot go on his own. Period. Nor should he be taking other women out to coffee or even dinner? I think your own past has allowed you to be overly permissive on this.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Has your husband been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD or an anxiety disorder?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And you make it too easy for him.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You two are terrible together and seem to both bring out the worst in each other. 

So, just stop doing that.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Has your husband been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD or an anxiety disorder?


I don't think he has been officially diagnosed. He's seen probably at least 8 therapists - several intensively over the years. He's got history of physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from a "trusted" adult when he was a young teen. We're both very aware of these things. I have similar history. 

My reaction was to become VERY OPEN and honest and his was to become very secretive and dishonest. Things are messy, I know.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> Just stop doing...what? Stop being together or stop bringing out the worst in each other?


Both. 

Listen, you’re married to someone that seems to be obsessed with lying, masturbating, and other inappropriate sexual behaviour. 

You’ve cheated on him, blame him for your cheating, and are sticking around while he contemplates taking off to go flirt with another woman. 

This is not rational or healthy behaviour from either one of you. 

So why are you with him?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I don't think he has been officially diagnosed. He's seen probably at least 8 therapists - several intensively over the years. He's got history of physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from a "trusted" adult when he was a young teen. We're both very aware of these things. I have similar history.
> 
> My reaction was to become VERY OPEN and honest and his was to become very secretive and dishonest. Things are messy, I know.


It is very common for survivors of sexual trauma to have poor boundaries and inappropriate relationships. 

And to lie as a matter of course. There’s shame, there’s being coached to lie, there’s PTSD, all kinds of things. 

His reaction is not your reaction. And your reaction doesn’t appear to be super healthy either. 

I think you both need help individually, while not entangled in this mess while you do it.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Different people have different boundaries, but for me the line is where an internal fantasy turns into any sort of physical action or interaction with the other person. I think most people would consider his behavior out of bounds. 

If he understands your boundaries and violates them, you don't really have a lot of options. Whether he is "unwilling" or "unable" to stop behaving this way really doesn't matter if the behavior continues. You can't force him to stop, all you can really do is choose to leave if he doesn't.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don’t believe him at all that he hasn’t cheated.

I’m sorry, this whole thing is horrible and it must be crushing your soul.

Why would staying together be better than splitting up in this case? I know you may still love each other but it is soul crushing (for you at least).

I’m totally horrified on your behalf. I’m so sorry that you have issues that are making you stay with him, as I think that’s the real problem here. You should not be willing to let him crush your soul and the fact that you do is where the problem lies. I’m so sorry. You need the therapy. I don’t care if he goes to therapy, he is not going to be able to heal all he has done to you even if he stops today.

And again, he is already ****ing other women, giving him permission is meaningless.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I agree with you totally.
> 
> There's some sort of sick control thing going on back and forth between us.
> 
> I don't know if we will ever be "normal" - whatever normal is. I think it's a word written up in the sky that every one believes every one should live up to but - no one does.


Find it by yourself, for yourself.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> And, the lying about it.
> ...
> He just will NOT do openness and honesty. I can't even get an answer from him as to what it is that makes lying about it appealing.


This seems to be the crux of the problem. From what you have expressed, the imagination, masterbation and even outright flirting are not an issue, as much as the lying is. From the perspective of a poly person who has been actively practicing it for over 20 years, this is indeed a problem. Honesty and openness are key to a relationship, be it poly or mono, closed or open. The thing is that you can't change him. He has to want to change. The only choice you have is whether you will stay and put up with it. He might have to lose you to change. If this is a base issue for you, you might need to leave for your own sake. Or you can decide that it is a frustration that you are willing to live with.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> I agree with you totally.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Normal is only objective as a statistical value. Everything else is a subjective value. You have to decide what is normal for you, and what you are willing to put up with as normal in another person.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> I wasn't permissive. It wouldn't have been okay - I didn't know about it until years after the fact. When I did find out, it was after multiple revelations of looking back on the behavior. While the behavior was unfolding, I didn't know about it. I would confront him and he would deny it. It took years for all of it to come out.
> 
> When it finally did, I started making plans to exit. Thus, the affair. Totally irrational approach but I thought I was leaving him for a better situation. It didn't work out that way - OF COURSE. We lose our minds when we get hurt this badly.
> 
> ...


But it sounds like the reunion is coming up shortly. If so, it's time to either take a stand or step out of the way. I'd hate to think your marriage has become so important to you, due to momentum, that you'd allow it to become a free-for-all for him.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It seems your only hope is to completely detach and leave him to do whatever he is going to do.

But stop having sex with him. 

Get another lover if you need one. Your husband isn’t going to care anyway and you just need the health insurance so stay married, do whatever you want and let him do what he’s going to do. Stop trying to change him or get the truth out of him. 

Being totally detached is the only way you are going to stop hurting.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > It seems your only hope is to completely detach and leave him to do whatever he is going to do.
> ...


Oh my gosh, what would you be hurt over?!

I’m hurt on your behalf just reading about what he has done. The lying and the constant need for other women to lust after. I would have my heart broken about just one instance of that in a relationship. My heart is breaking for you now because you’ve had to ignore the pain for so long that you don’t even know it’s still there or even if you have the “right”’ to feel hurt.

There are men who don’t do this. There are men who don’t lie and cheat and chase skirts. There are men who would cherish you and never put your heart at risk like that. I know it must be hard to even contemplate that these type of men exist because thinking about them would make your sitch even so much worse. But they do exist. Lots of men like that exist.

I’m so sorry you are in this position.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don’t believe him at all that he hasn’t cheated.
> 
> I’m sorry, this whole thing is horrible and it must be crushing your soul.
> 
> ...


Yeah, just reading her post it drips of a long convincing lie. Many people fool themselves because their spouse is being somewhat honest.

To me, this story reeks of true lies by omission. Yes, he may have walked away from this one woman and he saw her reaction, but didn’t tell her about the others where he did not leave. It almost sounds like he gets a rush out of demeaning and disrespecting her.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How long did your affair last ? Was it a one night stand or longer ? Does your husband know ? Did you tell him ? And if so, what did he say about it ?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why any woman would stay with a man who treats her so appallingly.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> My husband has told me - and for some reason I believe him - that he has never had an actual physical affair,


“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28.

He is cheating on you and you need to treat it as such.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

happiness27 said:


> I don't think he has been officially diagnosed. He's seen probably at least 8 therapists - several intensively over the years. He's got history of physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from a "trusted" adult when he was a young teen. We're both very aware of these things. I have similar history.
> 
> My reaction was to become VERY OPEN and honest and his was to become very secretive and dishonest. Things are messy, I know.


I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Please tell me he is amazing to you in other ways! Please tell me he cooks for you and buys you flowers and compliments you and is super affectionate and rubs your feet, and buys you presents.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lila said:


> I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.




I have adhd (and probably OCD) and I have had this as well about compulsive masterbation thinking about people I kinda know but not really. However it’s not as bad as the OP husband, and it doesn’t affect my relationships. Nor would I ever tell my significant other about it, that’s super disrespectful to me.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.


This is a key point. You don't get into ethical non monogamy to fix a marriage or relationship. That is the quickest way to further ruin it, and that's coming from a poly guy.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

[self deleted for drailing]


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I have adhd (and probably OCD) and I have had this as well about compulsive masterbation thinking about people I kinda know but not really. However it’s not as bad as the OP husband, and it doesn’t affect my relationships. Nor would I ever tell my significant other about it, that’s super disrespectful to me.


see, that’s my issue. I do not believe every person who masturbates thinks only about their SO. I just don’t. 

No, i am not calling anyone who is that way a liar, just saying I believe fantasizing about someone else is common.

Telling your SO, repeatedly, is disrespectful and unless you have a verifiable issue I will believe you derive some type of disgusting pleasure out of it.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> see, that’s my issue. I do not believe every person who masturbates thinks only about their SO. I just don’t.
> 
> No, i am not calling anyone who is that way a liar, just saying I believe fantasizing about someone else is common.
> 
> Telling your SO, repeatedly, is disrespectful and unless you have a verifiable issue I will believe you derive some type of disgusting pleasure out of it.


If I understand the situation correctly, he did not come out and tell her these things for quite a number of years and really never admitted anything except under pressure. Also what he is doing doesn’t sound like the typical fantasizing and masturbating. It sounds like he gets obsessed with specific people, some of whom are in his real life and he actually goes in person to see them. Also I think he’s full of **** and actually has had sex with some of them.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> If I understand the situation correctly, he did not come out and tell her these things for quite a number of years and really never admitted anything except under pressure. Also what he is doing doesn’t sound like the typical fantasizing and masturbating. It sounds like he gets obsessed with specific people, some of whom are in his real life and he actually goes in person to see them. Also I think he’s full of **** and actually has had sex with some of them.




Yea this is a whole different issue than fantasizing and masterbation. This guy crosses the line is so many ways.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> Last night, I got to feeling really horrible that I've put any of this out there for you all to even have to read. When you share your pain with other people - share your faults with other people - it feels like burdening them with stuff they now can't unknow. Ugh. I don't like that and that's some regret I have about sharing this. What has helped ease the stress in me carrying this by myself - has now been passed to other people. I'm sorry.


Happy, you need an IC. This is a huge red flag for codependency. We choose to read here. This is an entire board aimed at marriage issues. You can't burden us with anything. That's completely ridiculous. And furthermore, even if we were your family and friends, opening up about your struggles is not burdening. At the end of the day, you are the one who goes home to your husband and deal with him. Not us. Not your friends. Not your family. Only you carry that burden. And if anyone says otherwise, it's to guilt you and manipulate you into silence.

I have experience with open marriages. It's common practice in my religion. The way you are going about it is guaranteed to fail because he cannot be honest. He's been at this for years and he sees no point in stopping. You are NOT that old. You easily have another 10 - 30 years left. Do you want to spend them happy and fulfilled or do you want to spend them looking over your shoulder and being upset at him until one of you dies?

For insurance - you can ask a lawyer. The both of you can decide to keep you on his insurance as a result of divorce. Or maybe legal separation would make more sense. You can also get advice about getting your own health care coverage. If the only thing keeping you stuck and miserable is insurance, you don't have to live like this. You have options. Start looking into them.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> Yes, he does pretty much anything and everything I ask him to do and will drop what he's doing to do it. I'm not into flowers or presents (not my love language) but he never fails to compliment me for anything, he cooks (I've trained him in the kitchen the past few years and it's nice to just get out of the way once in awhile and let him do it). He would drop anything and everything to do whatever I ask him.
> 
> I just have felt like that is a whole facade to keep me from seeing the real guy.
> 
> Last night, I got to feeling really horrible that I've put any of this out there for you all to even have to read. When you share your pain with other people - share your faults with other people - it feels like burdening them with stuff they now can't unknow. Ugh. I don't like that and that's some regret I have about sharing this. What has helped ease the stress in me carrying this by myself - has now been passed to other people. I'm sorry.


Yes, I know that feeling. Pretty much exactly. And, as you've noticed, when you focus on the problem areas it creates a feedback loop here that greatly intensifies that apparently magnitude of that problem. So you get a choice of either trying to tone it down a bit because the guy or girl isn't truly the anti-christ, or you "join in" because it's affirming. 

So what happens if you have a talk that's 100% aimed at coming up with agreeable boundary issues? With rules laid down ahead of time that each of you has to be comfortable with whatever the other is proposing? So they have to understand why, not just what? And you just admit up front that a lot of the problems could have been solved if you'd had this talk many years ago, before things that, back then, clearly would have been seen as an issue, became kind of acceptable today simply because they've been going on for so many years?

The marriage-by-momentum train is a very dangerous thing.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> It's boundaries.


This. Plus one important thing about boundaries.

They don't draw themselves.

Want proof? What happens to a river if you don't build levees (boundaries)?

https://www.vox.com/2015/2/5/7986829/river-meander

Unwritten boundaries will go all over the map. Do not, ever, assume that someone's "apparent" boundaries are anything more than situational. Even if you've known them for a few years.


happiness27 said:


> What is "marriage-by-momentum train"? (yikes)


You just keep on going because it's what you've done so far. You got on the train years ago and never really took a look at where it was taking you. It becomes easier to just keep going than rock the boat. You look at all the past issues you got through and think this is just one more. Nobody promised you a rose garden. Everything that's an issue is rationalized. Because you don't want a train-wreck. And getting off that train? It never really stops, so you have to jump. Most are too scared to jump. So you just stay on that train as it builds more and more momentum. You had your opportunity to get off earlier, when it had less momentum, but you didn't. Now you're too old to start over, or you have too many responsibilities. 

That's the marriage-by-momentum train.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You’ve put a lot of thought into fixing him. 

He either doesn’t want to be fixed, or can’t be fixed. 

So why are you doing that?

Focus on fixing you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I agree with you totally.
> 
> There's some sort of sick control thing going on back and forth between us.


Then solve that with one VERY CLEAR boundary. If you ever interact with any of the women you fantasize about - even if it's just to say hello - you will never see me again.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I'm really broken. I had a therapist tell me one time - when discussing how to stay away from dysfunctional men - "They find you like heat seeking missiles"
> 
> I think there are people in this world who are incapable of empathizing with the pain of others and really don't understand how they can possibly be the cause of it "because that's not what I INTENDED."


Pull back all that energy, thought and intention you have about fixing your husband. 

Focus it all on fixing you. 

So what’s your plan? How can we help?


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> What is your religion that embraces open marriage? Just curious. I wasn't aware of any such sect.
> 
> I agree with you completely - it's about the honesty - which is absolutely insidious. He can't be honest even to a therapist.
> 
> ...


Paganism. Not sect specific actually but more of a regional thing. You can take entire workshops on how to open up marriage the right way and make it work long term so I've known a lot of people in successful open marriages or long term relationships over the years. And also many successfully monogamous couples. And quite a few not successful couples where one was monogamous and one was poly. By far the worst of the bunch.

Unfortunately, I just don't believe he's ever going to change. He's too set in his ways and doesn't have any interest in changing. Pretending to change, see a therapist and act like everything is peachy and he has no idea why he's even there - sure, absolutely - but actually dig deep and give up lying? No way. I don't think he even knows how to live an honest life and no amount of consequences, anger, or seeing you in pain is going to affect that unfortunately. I don't see any other options for you besides detaching and living a life outside of him while still together - something I could never do because I love being married and having a partner - or leaving in some capacity so that you can enjoy life without his lies and heartache.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> What is your religion that embraces open marriage? Just curious. I wasn't aware of any such sect.
> 
> I agree with you completely - it's about the honesty - which is absolutely insidious. He can't be honest even to a therapist.
> 
> ...


I've brought up many times what I think are the two most-important and least-discussed issues in marriage. And of course that's based on my own life. The first, which we've talked about, are boundaries. The second, which is equally-important and almost NEVER discussed is privacy. Some people have a need to keep massive parts of their lives private, some a bit of it, and some are an open book. All three are OK if your partner not just knows this but understands it. Understands is important because the person whose life is an open book really doesn't quite get the person who likes to keep things private. The open-book person may even believe that their choice is the "better" choice and think the "private" person should be like they are. Rarely does the private person think the "open book" person should change though, because it can give them a strategic advantage. They may not look at it that way, but it does.

And you just do not see this discussed in typical pre-marital counseling. They'll talk about having to compromise mostly. How to settle disagreements. Money maybe. But not boundaries and privacy.



happiness27 said:


> I'm really broken. I had a therapist tell me one time - when discussing how to stay away from dysfunctional men - "They find you like heat seeking missiles"
> 
> I think there are people in this world who are incapable of empathizing with the pain of others and really don't understand how they can possibly be the cause of it "because that's not what I INTENDED."


True that. Did you happen to see the most recent episode of New Amsterdam? The pre-teen sociopath was scary. There must be a large number of people in-between "normal" and sociopath that have empathy issues but otherwise appear to function normally.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> Last night, I got to feeling really horrible that I've put any of this out there for you all to even have to read. When you share your pain with other people - share your faults with other people - it feels like burdening them with stuff they now can't unknow. Ugh. I don't like that and that's some regret I have about sharing this. What has helped ease the stress in me carrying this by myself - has now been passed to other people. I'm sorry.


Don’t worry about us, sister! Having empathy for you does not make us carry a burden. It actually helps us be more loving and compassionate.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

happiness27 said:


> It was three sexual encounters over 8 months. Hubs was working in another country. I was lonely, whatever, yada, yada. Yes, I told him finally. He blew a gasket - not angry, just totally disbelieving. I was, like, dude, you're kidding. You've been cruising other women for two decades - did you think you married Doris Day?
> 
> It's that Eddie Murphy routine where he talked about "You thinking about all you're gonna get while your woman is gone" to Jamaica with her girlfriends and she's over there rolling one of them Bahama joints with some dude whose doin' your woman - WELL!
> 
> ...



This "relationship" is completely screwed up. I do not understand your reason for staying at all. The facts according to you are:



He fantasizes about other (generally younger) women and tells you about it (or flirts in front of you) but does nothing else - i.e. doesn't act on it because, according to you, he is not attractive enough to pull them and also he is afraid that you will leave him. It is clear that you do not respect him either.


He does not have sex with you because of his "condition".


He is a good husband and partner in all other ways.


You screwed an ex boyfriend three times while he was away working. You told him about it and he didn't really blow up but was disbelieving. Your explanation to him was that you did it because he flirts with other girls and denies you sex. He appears to have accepted that and life goes on. And it would be useful to know why you told him about it?


You are looking to get another job which allows you a wider range of travel so that you can "broaden your horizons".



As I said I do not understand why you did not leave him instead of screwing someone else. You cannot really claim the moral higher ground here and the talk of him not being as Christian as you are does not hold water. I still am not sure if you are planning to leave him or what it is that you are planning.

And to further complicate matters you are agreeing with all the pro poly and open marriage enthusiasts here as if that might be the way forward when the "lifestyle" has an unprecedented failure track record.

You need to leave before either of you screw anyone else.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I've been working on my plan for a couple of months now, which is to focus on my work. I have applied for a job that requires 300 mile radius travel. I love my work and what I do.
> 
> I'm not looking for another relationship. My picker was broken a long time ago.


More than that. 

What else?


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I don't have anything beyond that. I've been at this situation for the past four years. During that time, I also dealt with severe hip arthritis which finally resulted in a THR surgery 3 months ago. I am finally feeling like I am back to living again and that there is hope for a future at all.
> 
> I feel lucky I'm not in a wheel chair, thanks to modern medicine. I'm lucky that I no longer contemplate my demise on a daily basis - which is often the thought process of people in chronic pain. Now that I am no longer in chronic pain, I have some hope for living.
> 
> I probably should have led with that.


Groovy. 

Subdivide your plan into some key areas in terms of goal setting. I like to use body, mind, spirit, career, and relationships. 

Under each one you can set some goals. Dream big. 

Then pick 1-2 goals to move the bar on each quarter. Think small, incremental, 1% improvements every day. 

And then start to do them. For nobody else but yourself. 

I’m recommending this path for you because I worry your fixation on fixing your husband is holding back your own growth. 

And I’m worried that your husband has inspired you to do things that appear contrary to your own sense of self in the past.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Are you happy?


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Marduk is giving you great advice. In addition to it, pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatie and "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" by Ross Rosenberg.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I think just going into focusing on what's screwed up with myself is a good suggestion. Probably need some yoga and meditation and producing my art, hanging out with some of my own girlfriends by myself.


All things you could do today. 

What’s stopping you?


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> I truly believe in my heart that most people exist in relationships that have a certain degree of veneer-polishing involved to protect their privacy as most marriages have ups and downs. What people show to the world vs. the struggles that actually go on are two different things. The struggle is the journey and sharing it with people comes with hazards of being told that you are a worthless POS and so is your marriage. It's scary.


There is but for healthy people it's little things like maybe you don't love the same music or could take or leave one of their hobbies or they snore too much. It's not big, marriage ending dealbreakers like how your husband puts other women before you, neglects you in favor of them, and lies to you repeatedly about it and whole bunch of other things. If you could look into the daily life of a good marriage, you'd probably wonder what the hell you're doing putting up with this behavior. I know because I've been there and now that I have a good marriage, I do not for the life of me understand why I was trying so hard to keep my terrible ex. He was not worth it and I suspect if you did some work on yourself, you might realize yours isn't either and start making some good changes for yourself.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> Nothing. I am doing several of these things.


Sweet!

Namaste.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

happiness27 said:


> manfromlamancha - you stated the facts wrong so I'm assuming you either skimmed or misread some posts.
> 
> Point to a perfect marriage for me so that I can feel even more terrible about how messed up mine is.


Sorry if I got some facts wrong - please do correct them. I went back and had a look at the thread again and here is maybe the corrected version (it actually makes things worse):



Corrected version:

_This "relationship" is completely screwed up. I do not understand your reason for staying at all. The facts according to you are:

He fantasizes about other (generally younger) women and tells you about it (or flirts in front of you) but doesn't actually do anything physical with them because, according to you, he is not attractive enough to pull them and also he is afraid that you will leave him. It is clear that you do not respect him either.

He is a good husband and partner in all other ways.

You screwed an ex boyfriend three times while he was away working and because you hadn' had sex for a while due to him being away at work (this is the bit that makes it worse). 

You told him about it and he didn't really blow up but was disbelieving. Your explanation to him was that you did it because he was away, flirts with girls and you hadn't had sex. He appears to have accepted that and life goes on. 

Still not sure why you told him about it?

You are looking to get another job which allows you a wider range of travel so that you can "broaden your horizons".



As I said I do not understand why you did not leave him. You cannot really claim the moral higher ground here because you screwed someone else and the talk of him not being as Christian as you are does not hold water. I still am not sure if you are planning to leave him.

And to further complicate matters you are agreeing with all the pro poly and open marriage enthusiasts here as if that might be the way forward when the "lifestyle" has an unprecedented failure track record.

You need to leave before either of you screw anyone else.
_


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I read Codependent No More in 1991 and spent about 10 years completely immersed in AA recovery, extensively reading a multitude of self-help books and both of us getting individual and couple counseling to be healthy as a couple who met after being in recovery. He had 7 years of recovery when I went into recovery. He now has 37 years in recover. One thing that isn't much talked about with regard to recovery is that it's not unusual for the addiction to shift to something else - and recovery is always ongoing as there are many aspects to it.
> 
> When you are married to someone, one thing you do rely upon is that your spouse is telling you the truth. Because of our dedication to recovery, I had a lot more trust and faith than I should have at first. Anyway, it was a long time into our relationship before the pattern of lying really became apparent. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had known up front what I know now.
> 
> ...


Assume everything he says and does is a lie. Assume he does not have the best intentions for you. Assume the best case in any interaction with him is neutral, but likely to be negative. Reduce your interactions with him down to the bare minimum, including not sleeping in the same bed. He is now your room-mate, and nothing else.

And then forget about him. Yesterday you did yoga, meditation, hung some art, and hung out with friends. So what’s your positive plan for today? Yoga, meditation, art, friends? Going to make those four your new habit and focus?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I just keep telling myself - and him - just shaking my damn head, like, "Dude, the stuff you are lying about is stuff you don't have to lie about."
> 
> I guess I'm trying to figure out maybe from some guys who have this same lying problem...if you have any insights about yourself?


I've seen this several times and it almost always stems from being punished unfairly as a child. As a survival mechanism, the child learns to lie to avoid punishment and it just becomes a way of life for them as they age, whether it's needed or not. The only thing I know of that can help is cognitive behavioral therapy.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to ask your husband if you can go to his next therapy session so you can tell him/her the 'rest of the story.' Only way he'll get real help.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## NRTB28 (Jun 27, 2018)

First, I apologize to my wife, Happiness27, for the humiliation you have endured for years. I’m not the man I’ve pretended to be. My finely polished veneer has been cracked wide open. Until now, I let everyone see what a “good guy” I am and not what a total f***up is inside. 

Thank you to everyone who commented and made suggestions. I have no excuse and make no arguments with anyone’s assessment, nor do I defend my actions. 

Despite my behavior, Happiness27 means the world to me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Welcome, Mr. Happiness. Your willingness to come here is a great sign. Are you willing to answer questions so we can help you two get to the core of y'all's issues?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeah...

I had a whole post about the OP's ****-stain of a husband but I ain't playing anymore since he's miraculously found her post, made his own profile, and has posted in this thread. I guess actually talking to each other at the kitchen table is a thing of the past.

I'm just going to sit back and eat my popcorn, now.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> Talked "at the kitchen table" til blue in the face - intensively for four years including a year of therapy.
> 
> I came here because I was bursting with frustration over that very fact and needed to hear from possibly men who have had trouble being open and honest with their wives - and figured out a way to overcome that issue.
> 
> I think people who come to this forum do so because it is really difficult, especially on the topic of sex, to find others who can openly discuss problems - otherwise there wouldn't be a need for such forums.


How do you feel about the fact that your husband posted here? Did you know he had found your posts on TAM before you saw his post? Would you be ok if he made his own thread and told us his side of the story so that we could offer him our thoughts?


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

.


----------

