# I need an advise to help me enjoy my sex life



## sheishei (Jul 25, 2015)

I want to have a healthy sex life with my husband, but there´s some part of me that is not contributing to make that possible. 
It´s really difficult for me to get my mind 100% on what i´m doing( when making love) and this makes it very hard for me to get an orgasm, i can have orgasm, but only one percent of the times that i have had sex i have had an orgasm. 
This is the background of it. 
Since i was little my mother used to have this "advise talks" with me about sex , like since i was six, she wouldn´t tell me how to do things, but talk about sex in a degrading way and make awful body signs towards her reproductive parts, this literally traumatized me not to mention that i had the misfortune to see her having sex with our neighbor, so this is one of the thoughts that always cross my mind when i want to have sex. 
I started having sex when i was pretty young, normal age these days, 15 , but if i had known better i would have waited longer. The typical example of someone who wants to have someone to talk to and ends up doing more for that need of companionship, at that time i didn´t realised it but i wasn´t even attracted to these boys i had relationship with, and realizing this afterwards makes me feel grossed out. After i grew older i started having healthier relationships, the types that were not only about sex, but it was still extremely difficult. I had a relationship for 2 years and i never had an orgasm, this ended up with the relationship, slowly i started to feel unattracted. Then at the age of 20 i met someone and it was the first time were i could get all my mind on what i was doing and it happened once or twice but the fear of taking too long took me steps back. Then i met my husband, and i had orgasm with my husband but the same thing happened , it´s like i can´t focus on what i´m doing, it´s really weird because my first thought is " is not going to happen, you wont get an orgasm, so i better not even try" even if i´m feeling excited i shut my self down and find any excuse to not try, if i´m doing it i just tell my husband to finish instead of taking the time to work on me , and it´s not that my husband don´t want to make me feel good , it´s me who denies that possibility for myself and i get too scared of feeling good things, sometimes even if i´m enjoying it i make him do something different because the feeling of loosing myself into it terrifies me , i know it sounds twisted and it is , but it´s the truth and i don´t know what to do. The only times i always get an orgasm is when i masturbate watching porn and i just don´t want to do that , i want to enjoy sex like anybody else and not feel grossed out by it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that you need some help, a therapist/counselor who is also a sex therapist is probably your best bet.

Do you ever masturbate? If so, do you have the same problem when you do that?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sheishei said:


> I want to have a healthy sex life with my husband, but there´s some part of me that is not contributing to make that possible.
> I*t´s really difficult for me to get my mind 100% on what i´m doing( when making love) and this makes it very hard for me to get an orgasm, i can have orgasm, but only one percent of the times that i have had sex i have had an orgasm. *
> This is the background of it.
> 
> ...


You sort of sound like my wife of 44+ years in some respects.

She has to be physically relaxed, no work stress, no family stress, and a clear mind with no distractions to orgasm. So you aren't a freak in that way.

What we do to help her with that are make sure that she gets her rest several nights a week so she is rested. She exercises a few times a week to help work off physical stress and tries to do things to schedule low emotional stress days a few times a week. 

This allows us to sort of schedule sex twice of week with it either being Tuesday or Wednesday night followed by either Saturday or Sunday morning. So a schedule but not an exact schedule.

I try to help her de-stress with some "rituals" on the scheduled nights. This includes things like helping with dinner, maybe rubbing her feet while we watch TV and talk about our day. Then she will go to bed a few minutes prior to me and do some romance novel reading. Then after I craw in bed, she will turn the lights out crawl on me and i will rub her back while she tries to relax even more and totally clear her mind of any thoughts. 

It is amazing how I can feel the knots in her neck/shoulder muscles melt away. When she has her mind clear she will initiate sexual foreplay.

Have you ever heard of "performance anxiety? Well women can have sexual performance anxiety as well as men. You should like you have it. You need to take the performance stress off of yourself. Our sex therapist told us that sex is best if playful, not too serious, and fun. The ST told us that we should not expect sex to be perfect every time. Sometimes thing will go wrong (a phone call, a leg cramp, etc) and when it does you need to smile and laugh about it and not make a big deal out of it.

Sex should be like two grade schoolers looking forward to recess and playing with their best friend.

Another thing our sex therapist strongly suggested was to use the power of visualization to make sex good for you. There are all kinds of sports studies where a person closing their eyes and visualizing making basketball free throws is almost as good as actually practicing with a basketball on a court. Visualize good, fun sex with your H.

Since masturbation and porn get you off, may I suggest using that as a way to bridge the gap. Assuming your H doesn't feel masturbation is sinful, evil or repulsive.

Rather than having masturbation be something shameful that you hide from you H and the world, embrace it with him. After all do your really want you H to know know you are a sexual being and hide part of your sexuality from him? 

Tell him that you have a hard time orgasming and you want his help in modifying your behavior. Then invite him to hold you while you masturbate (make it your secret with him). After you orgasm, smile at him, kiss him and tell him how safe and good being held by him made you feel. Then give him an orgasm. 

One of the other things you can do is try a rear entry position like doggy, and masturbate to bring yourself to climax when your H is getting aroused. You just might have a simultaneous or near set of simultaneous orgasms. If so really celebrate the and tell him how special it is. 

Good luck. You are not broken. Getting outside help would be good, but you might also be able to try a few things on your own first.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sheishei said:


> The only times i always get an orgasm is when i masturbate watching porn and i just don´t want to do that , i want to enjoy sex like anybody else and not feel *grossed out* by it.


Is your porn habits something you have shared with your spouse OR that you hide from your spouse?

If you hide it, that violates "trust" in the relationship and also makes it difficult for your husband to understand/accept/love/help/care for you. It also makes it difficult for you to be vulnerable which is at the core of allowing someone to love you.

If this is part of your sexuality that you DO share with your husband and it is still problematic, how does he react about it? 

At the end of the day likely all that is missing is the self confidence to love and trust your own body to tell you what feels good and to share that with you husband. Standing in the way are likely issues with shame and sexual disgust along with skewed expectations about your own sexuality often portrayed in porn. 

In reality it can be much easier to have an orgasm if you try NOT to have one! :grin2:

Badsanta


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Watch porn while you're with your husband, but make a promise between yourselves that you won't ever watch that stuff without one another. It's kind of surprising that you have all these negative feelings about sex but like porn.

Stop worrying about an orgasm and relax and enjoy your husband. Stop worrying about your mom. That's over. Find a way to let it go.

The more you trust your husband and enjoy his efforts, the easier it will be to enjoy sex. Maybe not get more orgasms , but who's counting other than you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Check out this link and web site for possible help - Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife


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## sheishei (Jul 25, 2015)

Thank you for all your answers and the article has a lot of true in it, i can see myself, not so much for what i have seen but for what i have been told men are like. Anyways i´m taking your advises, i believe now the first step is to learn to free my mind from any burden-like thoughts. thank you.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If there is one thing in life that is GOOD it's sex in marriage. Read that sentence again.

Providing you believe in God, God created man and woman and created marriage. 
In God's word He even states "the marriage bed is undefiled"

It's for your pleasure. Seize that pleasure and don't let anyone or anything take that away from you, past or present. It's YOURS. TAKE IT. TAKE IT ALL.


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