# How do you start talking?



## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

Through all the replies I received from my first post it is clear to me that I need help. First off my husband and I don't communicate about anything important EVER. It is uncomfortable and difficult to talk about anything. We never have in the 15 years we have been together. I feel trapped. We have been together since highschool got married young have two small children and I have stayed home giving up my career to raise them. From simple things like housework and children issues and sharing duties to sex I have issues I would like to talk about but anytime I attempt to bring things up he gets upset I end up feelin like crap for stirring the pot and nothing changes. I'm am miserable and can't do a dam thing about it. I know the easy answer is talk to him but it isn't that easy as far as he is concerned there is nothing wrong. Basically as long as I have sex with him a few times a week and tend to the children he is happy. I was his first and only sexual experience and serious relationship. He wasn't mine though. I crave to be more than just a wife and a mother and more than anything I want a passionate loving relationship where I am head over heels in love and to just be happy instead of feeling like days and slipping away and I can't help but resent him for it. 
I need help and I already know I need to grow up and talk to my husband but I honestly don't know how. I have considered seeking councelling for myself. I can't talk to friend or family so here I am pouring my heart out to perfect strangers....
Thanks for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Apparently he isn't taking you seriously. Its time he needs to know the seriousness of the issues. 

One thing you could try would be to say to him, tonight, "If you're not willing to talk, then I'm willing to walk." Of course thats probably a empty threat you wouldn't carry out for various reasons. 

However, you do need to make it clear to him how serious these issues really are. My guess is, he thinks you're not going anywhere. I have seen this all to often, where a stay at home mother/wife who has no real income of her own will have issues within the marriage, and her spouse doesn't care because he figures the worst she is gonna do is nag or yap about them. That will pass then things go back to the way they were until another issue arises. 

There needs to be some kind of consequences. My guess is he was taught to not talk about issues because in his mind, if you sweep them under the rug they either do not exist or they will magically go away, doesn't work that way though! He needs to come out of dream land on that. Some people do not want to deal with issues, its easier to pretend they do not exist. Thats not life to me. Things happen, and you have to deal with things in order to be able to move forward.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Would he be up for some MC? You could suggest that to him, if he says no just tell him you will do the talking and he can just listen. That way you are getting the issues out on the table, not only in front of him but a counselor as well. Who knows, maybe once the ice is broken he will warm up and start to join in on what he thinks. 

If he wont go, maybe you could still go. Tell him you're going to talk with someone because your marriage is falling by the way side and you feel you need some kind of help and someone to talk to.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

theonethatgotaway said:


> I want a passionate loving relationship where I am head over heels in love and to just be happy instead of feeling like days and slipping away and I can't help but resent him for it. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I give you credit for wanting to try and work on it. That is half the battle and both parties need to be involved in the process, from my experience.

I am a romantic, but also a realist that there are different stages of love in most relationships. I think it is easier for guys, but one thing my WAW said was she wanted our relationship to be same as it was in the earliest days. I think it is a fact that after a few years that most relationships change from head over heals to a more mature love stage. Just my opinion.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

* From simple things like housework and children issues and sharing duties to sex I have issues I would like to talk about *
Do you mean you would like to talk about these issues. 
I find it very difficult to believe that in fifteen years you have never done this. What exactly do you want to talk to him about. I am sure you have tried but for some reason you didnt get a response.
Maybe you go about it the wrong way. Like you first give your opinion.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

The honest problem is I haven't felt "in love" in a long time I am not physically attracted to him. I have deceided I need to let the guilt go and put myself first sometimes and right now that means get my career back. I love my husband and I love my kids but I don't love my life and if I don't make changes to become happy in the end nobody wins. I don't know if that will mean the end of our marriage or not but right now I can't think about that. I know regardless of what happens my kids will be ok. I have to believe that it is better for them to see me happy and what healthy relationships are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think its good you want to get your career back on track, part of you feeling the way you do may be from feeling like you got lost in the whole mother/wife role. So hopefully getting back into a career will help with that part of it. However, there still seems to be some issues that needs to be addressed, and he needs to be apart of it. That is if you want him to be, you did say you didn't feel the same about him as you once did.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

accept said:


> * From simple things like housework and children issues and sharing duties to sex I have issues I would like to talk about *
> Do you mean you would like to talk about these issues.
> I find it very difficult to believe that in fifteen years you have never done this. What exactly do you want to talk to him about. I am sure you have tried but for some reason you didnt get a response.
> Maybe you go about it the wrong way. Like you first give your opinion.


Yeah I have talked to him about the fact that he doesn't lift a finger around the house and he points out that if I ask him to do something he will do it but I don't think I should have to ask him to he should be able to see the dishes on the counter as clearly as I can! Or he just throws in the you dont work card in my face meaning its my job not his. He gets home from work sits down in front of the tv sometimes plays with his kids sometimes ignores everyon while I continue to tend to everything. Then once the kids are in bed he expects without any romance or foreplay of any sort sex. If I deny him sex on a "scheduled" day he gets annoyed. If I try to bring up
Conversation about my unhappiness he figured I am goin to tell him I'm leaving which means he deep down knows there is trouble and he wonders if I am going to leave at some
Point. I have told him I love him but I am not in love with him. He knows this and I give him suggestions on what we can do together but he never follows through with any of
My suggestions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

theonethatgotaway said:


> he figured I am goin to tell him I'm leaving which means he deep down knows there is trouble and he wonders if I am going to leave at some
> Point. I have told him I love him but I am not in love with him. He knows this and I give him suggestions on what we can do together but he never follows through with any of
> My suggestions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well obviously he isn't to worried about if you're gonna leave, if so he would be doing whatever he could to help to try and save his marriage. 

On the other hand:

As far as you telling him you love him but not in love with him, that might be why he doesn't try. He may figure, why bother trying to do anything to help save it, if she isn't in love with me anyway. I'm not saying his attitude is right or wrong if thats how he is feeling, but maybe thats why. If people feel they have nothing to fight for they usually wont.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

Maybe I am hoping he will want to leave and spare me hurting him. I can't understand why he is ok to settle with the way things are. I know for 100% that he will never initiate leaving if our relationship ends it will be my doing I truly know it.
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Right I get it now. First of all never threaten. Why do you tell him you're not in love with him even if its true. Where will that get you. Many men think if they work all day the wife should be doing the dishes and housework. They think she is doing nothing all day. You are just giving him negative feelings. You have to make your mind up. Do you want this to work then you have to be more positive and in a non threatening way. I think you can do it.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

It isn't a threat or trying to be mean it is honestly the best way to describe how I feel. I haven't told him this in a long time it was over a year ago now. I don't know what I want. I am guilty of not speaking my truth to him and I know that. I am distant and non-affectionate I get sad when even my kids notice that I don't smile anymore. I want more than anything to be happy I just don't know how to get there from here. I have said beforewe my other post that if we didn't have kids I would have left a long time ago. I want to do what's right and what right for me I justhaent figured out how to make those match.
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, he has a lot of expectations of you. Quite frankly, I see him as a very selfish man. 

Why are you so afraid to talk to him? Is he abusive in any way? My first husband was verbally/emotionally abusive and would fly off the handle at the smallest things. I didn't give my first husband sex very often. He was always putting me down and very unfaithful, plus he taped me one night without my knowledge.(so sick!) I wouldn't put up with his crap, but I didn't stay with him for 15 years though. I went through hell and back the entire time we were married.

My current husband and I have great communication. I can talk to him about anything, he is truly my best friend. We never argue, nor did he ever express that he was upset when our sex was less frequent. My husband has no expectations of me and I feel the same of him. I did notice a huge improvement in his attitude when my sex drive kicked in full gear. My husband now sings every morning while eating breakfast.

You need to talk to your husband about your feelings. If he doesn't listen or gets mad, he has no respect for you. I'd seriously would not stay in a relationship/marriage where I wasn't respected. Life is way too short to live in a miserable marriage. Good luck.
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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

trey69 said:


> There needs to be some kind of consequences. My guess is he was taught to not talk about issues because in his mind, if you sweep them under the rug they either do not exist or they will magically go away, doesn't work that way though! He needs to come out of dream land on that. Some people do not want to deal with issues, its easier to pretend they do not exist. Thats not life to me. Things happen, and you have to deal with things in order to be able to move forward.


You have hit it in the head there. He gets it right from
His mom she is the exact same way. Doesn't discuss feelings refuses to acknowledge when things not right. Ignorance is bliss is that families
Motto.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, he has a lot of expectations of you. Quite frankly, I see him as a very selfish man.
> 
> Why are you so afraid to talk to him? Is he abusive in any way? My first husband was verbally/emotionally abusive and would fly off the handle at the smallest things. I didn't give my first husband sex very often. He was always putting me down and very unfaithful, plus he taped me one night without my knowledge.(so sick!) I wouldn't put up with his crap, but I didn't stay with him for 15 years though. I went through hell and back the entire time we were married.
> 
> ...


He is no way abusive at all
He is genuinely a sweet man and would do anything for me. He never gets mad about anything we never argue because we don't talk about anything.
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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

wow...are you ME!!! 

I'm reading my life right now!!

I know exactly how you feel and i avoided confrontation for many years but I'm in IC right now and I'm starting to speak up more. My husband still thinks everything is fine and neither one of us has initiated sex since Aug. Yup all is fine (rolling eyes here) Just go through the motions of the day. 

I feel for you, I'll be following this thread


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I have posted this before, you may need to modify it a bit for your marriage. But the basic message may just get him to think a bit?

I believe a lot of men think and respond using logic (including myself). So if you were to approach your husband on his level, you may say something like this.

“Honey, our marriage can be as good or as bad as we chose to make it. We will always have times that we do not agree on things, such as the house work responsibilities. We can learn to work out our differences so that it is a win, win for us both and create a mutually happy marriage. Or we can bicker back and forth trying to each have our way. We can most likely share intermediate happiness this way for some time (as we have). But the reality is that as we do this, we will each be building resentment towards each other, that resentment will slowly build to a point of no return. When it does, the odds of our marriage surviving will be slim. Let’s be honest here, I already feel that resentment, I bet you can too. Now for me, I prefer to have a mutually happy marriage, one where we always place the importance of our marriage before our personal needs and work out solutions without building resentment. To do this, we must have the ability to discuss our issues without anger, blame, or pretending that we don’t have a problem, we do. What’s it going to be? You want to have a mutually happy marriage, or let it die a slow death, it’s your choice.

That sound logical to you?”


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well,

To take the devils advocate position. How old are your kids and what do you do during the day that leads to all this housework you want your husband to take on? And when you chose to have your children was the agreement of you and your husband that you would give up your career until some time in the future? 

You certainly should be able to talk with your spouse about anything. I'm not certain how much of this is your problem vs his problem. Sounds like MC should be a first shot.....


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

My kids are 9 and 5 and there isn't alot of housework really it was just an example of frustration sometimes when things get out of hand crazy and I can't stay on top of it! We never really discussed if I was going to stay home and for how long it just kind of happened with the desire to make the best choice for the kids. I think now I am ready to not be at home anymore and that will help we get clarity on the othe issues. MC is out hubby wont seek that kind of help he won't talk to someone I have suggested that before.
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

theonethatgotaway said:


> He is no way abusive at all
> He is genuinely a sweet man and would do anything for me. He never gets mad about anything we never argue because we don't talk about anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope you can express your feelings and he will listen. My husband and I do not argue either, it's amazing! Perhaps your husband is a man of few words. I do know men show their love by doing things for us rather then telling us "I love you". I do tell my husband my needs, which is affection. Everynight we snuggle without interruption from the kids for 1/2-1 hour holding hands. I don't have very many in real life friends, so my husband listens to what I need to say. I'm very grateful my husband listens to me when I do talk. My husband is a very understanding man. I couldn't live without his support. I broke my neck about 4 years ago and he picks up my slack on my bad days. My husband never gets angry at anything, he is very easy going.

Good luck.
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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I think the bottom line here is, you need to ask yourself do you or do you not want to be in the marriage anymore? 

If you do, then seek counseling for you both or at least for yourself on how to help save it. If NOT then once you get your career going again, save up some money and move on with your life.


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## smithjojo (Dec 13, 2011)

wow..
its really nice post over here..really according to me this is really helpful post for all readers..
Thanks..!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Are 180's only for men? If not, why doesn't it apply here?


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

After all the replies and souls searching we broke down last night and talked. It was so heart breaking and difficult to discuss all the issues especially when they are all mine. He loves me so much will do anything be anything go to the end of the earth for me and I hate myself for hurting him so badly. I want to with all my heart fall back in love with my husband but how do you rekindle a physical attraction that has been gone for so long? I don't deserve him and feel so angry with myself for feeling the way I do. I just want to be happy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> Are 180's only for men? If not, why doesn't it apply here?


What do you mean 180's?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Much like LMB, I was wondering if these posts were actually mine.....it is amazing how familiar and painful our stories are. I wish I could tell you something to help but I have not figured out what to do to regain the connection yet either. Just be thankful you have a husband who is at least initiating a sexual relationship, I unfortunately do not have that and is the core for most of my resentment!

I will continue to pray and go to IC/MC and if I come to some epiphany I will share immediately! If you would ever like to talk to someone who knows "exactly" what you are going thru let me know!


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

theonethatgotaway said:


> After all the replies and souls searching we broke down last night and talked. It was so heart breaking and difficult to discuss all the issues especially when they are all mine. He loves me so much will do anything be anything go to the end of the earth for me and I hate myself for hurting him so badly. I want to with all my heart fall back in love with my husband but how do you rekindle a physical attraction that has been gone for so long? I don't deserve him and feel so angry with myself for feeling the way I do. I just want to be happy again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The turning point in my marriage, sadly, came when my wife believed I was through (I was not, but she believed I was). Sometimes, it takes that to wake the mate up. It does sound like though, from this post, that your marriage is not yet at the "point of no return". That's great!!! You had some difficult things to say to your husband and you were able to say them and it sounds like he was able to hear them!! That's 1/2 the battle.

You say you have communication issues. Sometimes, we men have problems with that. Have you tried letters? Have you tried e-mail? Sometimes it helps to "change things up" a bit for us men. 

Just remember one thing; you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Remember what your ULTIMATE goal is, to fall in love with your husband again--and for him to be the man you WANT him to be--the man you fell in love with at one point. When you communicate, keep that goal in mind.

I would recommend the two of you jointly reading "His Needs/Her Needs". It sounds like he has been ignoring some of your basic needs (and perhaps you some of his as well). Also, I would recommend jointly reading "The 5 Languages of Love" and doing the exercises together.

There is another excellent book, "Love and Respect", and many churches offer this as a class/seminar. Again, it would be MOST beneficial if you could read these WITH your husband, but he won't, by all means I would recommend you read them by yourself.

You cannot change your husband, only yourself.


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## theonethatgotaway (Dec 11, 2011)

Thank you for your reply I will check out some of those books and hope to get some clarity from them. I also think that as much as it is really hard right now to see any good in feeling this bad it will hopefully wake both of us up to putting our relationship as a priority. I have some unsettled truths that I also need to come clean on. I am a selfish ***** for feeling this way but a few years back my H became very ill and wasn't supposed to survive I spent close to two years trying to figure out what I was going to do when he died and how I was going to make it ok for the kids. Our relationship obviously took a back seat to being a nurse and I had to be the strong one for him and all of our extended family and it was really hard. By nothing short of a miracle he survived and I feel like **** not being able to look at him the same way since. I want to but this is where the emotional and physical distance started.
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