# Need advice after wife's infidelity



## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

So we've been together almost 2 decades, married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Wife had affair with coworker and fell in love. When discovered she wants to try to fix marriage with counseling etc (for the kids - as she admits she doesn't love me anymore). This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.

She says she wants to work to save this marriage - but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.

This has been a wake up call for me, as i'm now on a path of personal improvement in all aspects of my life to become a better person. So I have a positive outlook regardless of how this ends up. But I love my wife, and my happy ending would be reconciliation and the start of a healthy, long-lasting connection with her. I know the road to that is long and hard but im hopeful.

I've recently told her she needs to leave her job (or he) or leave the house. We started couples counseling and she is setting up personal counseling to deal with her own issues. She wants to stay at her job while working through this but I dont know if its possible.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

canes said:


> So we've been together almost 2 decades, married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Wife had affair with coworker and fell in love. When discovered she wants to try to fix marriage with counseling etc (for the kids - as she admits she doesn't love me anymore). This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.
> 
> She says she wants to work to save this marriage - but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.
> 
> ...


Canes, You're holding out hope for something that will never happen. Let's review this: Maintains contact with other man, told you that she doesn't love you, and has a history of infidelity. There's nothing left to save except yourself from this nightmare.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Too much in there to give it the line-by-line treatment, but here are a few thoughts...

1. For as long as she works with OM, the affair will continue. That's Reconciliation 101 -- either she leaves the job (and ASAP) or the marriage is done.

She's already told you where her heart is at, though, so do yourself a favor and listen to what she's _actually_ saying.

2. Three affairs? That you _know of_ ...? It's almost a certainty that there's more.

She's a serial wayward, and serials don't stop.

Ever.

3. Dude, you need to divorce.

And probably DNA the kids as well.

4. If OM is married, be sure to expose the affair to his wife.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Friend,

Your wife is a serial cheater.

She tells you she doesn't love you.

She demonstrates no remorse.

She is still trying to deceive you about contact, so you can be assured her current affair is ongoing.

What is there to save? It's time you respected yourself and move on with your life. Divorce her and don't look back. Don't insist that she quit her job, because that could be problematic in the divorce settlement.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Why do you even think it is possible for you to have a healthy, long lasting marriage if she is on her third affair in 10 years.

You can never trust her and her constant looking to other men for validation and love is the opposite of what it takes to have a good, stable marriage.

Just because you love her does not mean she feels the same about you. You appear to be her Plan B -the bank-the babysitter-the guy who keeps the home going while she goes out and chases her next "love connection" with other men. Do you really think this situation is conducive to a happy, healthy marriage?

Kids can feel strain & distrust in parents. It would be better for them to have happy, divorced parents than to be raised in a atmosphere of stress and anger.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

What is the couples counseling for? She doesn't love you so there is nothing really to try to save. Individual counseling would be a better choice so you can start figuring out how you want to deal with this, on your own. It shouldn't be a group decision anymore between you and her.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

badmemory said:


> Friend,
> 
> Your wife is a serial cheater.
> 
> ...


She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Your wife is a self proclaimed/diagnosed "love addict" who can't love the man she is married to...Kind of says it all, DUMP HER!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


Just because she says she's sorry she cheated and caused you and the kids pain, does not mean she is going to stop doing it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


Sigh..

It's not possible to demonstrate genuine remorse when she says she doesn't love you, and is still in contact with the OM. That is the opposite of remorse.

She's only sorry she got caught...again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are here. In fairness, a serial cheater is unlikely to change their ways, so my first recommendation would be a hasty divorce. However, you have indicated you want to save your marriage, so here goes.

1. No contact means no contact. Not "I only contact him when we fight".

2. This is her third affair.

Please answer this question: What would be worse; losing your marriage, or dealing with infidelity (with this AP or her next one) yet again? I would prefer to lose her over sharing her, which is essentially what is happening right now. She is refusing to be exclusive to you by maintaining contact and keeping her job.

So what should you do? End the infidelity, and let the marriage fall where it may.

1. Demand no contact and insist she quit her job (which you have done).

2. When she refuses (which she has), you tell her you understand, but that you will not live in infidelity. Tell her the only thing worse than losing her is sharing her, and that you would rather end the marriage. Tell her that every day that passes that she chooses to not end the affair reduces the likelihood that you will remain married. Then stop talking to her. When she tries to engage in how you helped lead her to an affair, or how she wants you to stay while she continues to maintain contact, simply hold up your hand and say, "You have made it clear that the marriage is not a priority to you, and I will not focus on fixing a marriage that is not a priority". Then simply walk away. Place this on her to fix.

3. You gather all evidence and expose to everyone important in both of your lives, as well as the OMW if he has one.

4. File for divorce. Tell her the divorce goes through unless she shows you overwhelmingly that she chooses the marriage.

5. No discussion about anything except the children and how to divide assets until she demonstrates she is committed to the marriage.

That is a good start.

If it were me, I would file, have her served at work, and let her sail off into the sunset with her new man. She is a serial cheater. Love yourself enough to demand better, brother.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.




Not to be harsh here as you are in enough pain, but she isn't remorseful in the least. If she were remorseful she would have quit her job, she didn't, she would cut contact, she didn't, and wouldn't run to who she loves when you both fight, she did. It's not very often I throw out a 2X4, but in this case I feel it's warranted. She doesn't love you, tells you she may never love you again, and you go to MC. If your therapist knew this even he/she would be questioning both of your motives. MC will tell you that if both of you aren't totally committed to reconciliation, don't even attempt it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


Really? Tell me, good sir...which one do you think applies?

_"Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.

Remorse involves self-reproof, admitting one’s own mistakes, and taking responsibility for your actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else, and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again. Regret leads a person to avoid punishment in the future, while remorse leads to avoiding hurtful actions towards others in the future."

-Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...erline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse_


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Canes
All due respect, but you know where you stand. She no longer loves you, she loves the thrill of an affair. I suggest that you stop treating her like a wife and treat her as she deserves: like a stranger who produced your children. She is not going to stop. She is not going to be your wife. Her remorse is remorse at having been caught, and it is more or less an inconvenience for her. 

I am going to give you the best advice: Expel her from your home. She is no longer your wife, and all that is left is the legalities. Forget about her leaving the job, call HR and expose her. Call her parents and expose her. Call your friends and expose her. She is not your friend, neither is the OM, whose wife and family if there is one need to have this happy little situation dropped on them as well.

She needs consequences to her actions. Loss of home, family, lover and job are sufficient to bring her out of this so-called "love addiction".


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.

I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


But continues to cheat.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.
> 
> I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. *Im not sure what her endgame here is.*


I'm inclined to believe the end game is to cheat again down the road. You are the stable guy who provides all but the attention your W desires.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

canes said:


> She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


Nope.

It only looks like remorse to you because you don't know what remorse actually looks like. Additionally (and this is _very_ important), you're more focused on the words coming out of her mouth than you are on what she's _actually_ been saying *with her actions*. When the two don't match up, you have to give more weight to her actions.

Either way, if she _really_ wanted reconciliation, she'd have AT LEAST gone NC with OM.

What she _really_ wants is to maintain the status quo that allowed her to pick and choose where to invest her affections from one day to the next.

_And you're *letting* her do it._

She wants to feed you dinner scraps while OM gets the bulk of the entree -- and ALL of the appetizer and dessert -- to himself.

And here you are... putting on that bib.

Come on, man.

Wake the **** up already.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sorry but there's not such thing as a Love Addict. Please.....
Sex Addict...maybe
Man it's leaving time....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Sigh..
> 
> It's not possible to demonstrate genuine remorse when she says she doesn't love you, and is still in contact with the OM. That is the opposite of remorse.
> 
> She's only sorry she got caught...again.


EXACTLY ^this^.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Really? Tell me, good sir...which one do you think applies?
> 
> _"Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.
> 
> ...


Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

canes said:


> Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.


The true moment of realization is one of the most painful experiences...when you realize what you thought was reality was, in fact, not...

However, it is also the most liberating, because you now know the truth....and can make true decisions with such information.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

canes said:


> *She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.*
> 
> I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.


That doesn't even kind of pass the smell test. 

What she wants is to keep her boyfriend while keeping you tethered to her. Counselling is a stalling technique.

Have you exposed the affair to her boyfriend's spouse?


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

eric1 said:


> That doesn't even kind of pass the smell test.
> 
> What she wants is to keep her boyfriend while keeping you tethered to her. Counselling is a stalling technique.
> 
> Have you exposed the affair to her boyfriend's spouse?


I have not - he's divorced with a new GF.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Canes, what are you getting out of staying married to a serial cheat? Are you able to move past this (again)? I'd have SO much resentment, hurt, and trust issues that I know any chance for a healthy marriage in your situation would be impossible. Are you really able to move past this? And why would you want to? Have you ever been unfaithful to her in any way? Is it for financial reasons?

I don't get it and feel like there's more to this story.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if you go forward, be prepared to live a life with a woman that doesn't love you (her own admission), overwhelmingly probably will
never be 'in love' with you, and at best may someday love you as a friend and partner, not a true lover or spouse.

if you are fully prepared for a loveless, practical only marriage (and some people are) and most likely she will stray again, then go forth into
your brave new world. think hard and ponder.

otherwise............


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.


A cheater playing? Say it ain't so.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How has waiting on her to change worked out for you so far?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


Your W has repeatedly demonstrated the same behavior numerous times. Your W will not change.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You are clinging to hope that your cheating wife, who has told you she doesn't love you, will choose you over her affair partners. How f'd up is that? You need to get into counseling for co dependence. What is there exactly to save here? 

I'm willing to bet only your financial outlook is keeping you from filing and separating. It could also be kids. Neither is a good reason. Just serve her with divorce papers and tell everyone about the affairs.

Have you told ANYONE about her cheating? I'm guessing not, since you come across as a weak guy. Time to man up and not be a doormat. Go find someone that loves and desires you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

canes said:


> This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.


I have my own definition for this kind of behavior. It's called "not marriage material."

How many more times will she cheat before you reach your personal goal of attaining shag carpetry? In other words, I think she walks all over you and you are seemingly ok with it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

canes said:


> So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


NOPE. And here is the main reason why:





canes said:


> *- but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. *And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.


She doesnt love you. 

Oh and "love addict" is bull****.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I remember when a love addict was once called a cheater. We're getting all PC now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is harsh but unfortunately you are broken just like her. Until you fix your issues you are going to live a painful life. It is hard to admit but the road you have decided to take is going to end up leading you to ruins. What happens when the kids grow up? You may find one day that she has just left to be with the new AP. This is probably a good bet. She may also try to blindside you and take your financial security you have. You are living with a poisonous snake and expecting it not to kill you. Even after it has bitten you 3 times. 

read this

and 

this

Point is you are looking for advice for the wrong problem. Your wife is a problem that you can't fix, you are are the problem you can and should be working on. 

Your wife is an emotional parasite and you are her host. She chose you because she knew you would let her treat you the way she does and you would pay for her lifestyle. You can see these types of relationships over and over on these boards. Even if you leave her until you fix what it is in yourself that has allowed you to live in an abusive relationship through 3 affairs you will again end up in the same kind of relationship with someone else. You are the emotional equivalent to the women who continues to make excuses and live with the guy who repeatedly gives her black eyes and broken bones. 

I get that what I am saying is harsh but if you really want help and a better life (personal improvement) then this is what needs to be said to you. Your wife is no longer the immediate problem. In fact she has told you that this is the way it is going to be. There is very little chance you will have a happy life with her, the fact you are still thinking you can shows you are not thinking right.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

sokillme said:


> In fact she has told you that this is the way it is going to be. There is very little chance you will have a happy life with her, the fact you are still thinking you can shows you are not thinking right.


Sadly, the guy has already lost so many years of his life having to look over his shoulder.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Also, do you know your state's divorce laws? In Colorado, 15 years of marriage can mean lifetime alimony.

The longer you stay married, the more $$ it will cost you. Don't be one of those guys that gets hosed by a cheating wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Sadly, the guy has already lost so many years of his life having to look over his shoulder.


Staying one day is losing one day of your life in my opinion.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

You'll see a change in her when you have her served with divorce papers and full exposure. Only it will be anger, you wrecked her stability with you, and now exposing her makes her look cheap. Her friends will all question her and worry when she is with their husbands. Also she will most likely protect OM and stand beside him. Or she goes the other way and begins to truly work on herself and the marriage. But I would be wary of number two, I think you'll get fake reconciliation.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

canes said:


> So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


Sir, the odds of her changing are less than you hitting the megaball lottery jackpot.....twice.......in a row. She does not know what she wants, she hasn't the ability. It is regrettable but honestly true.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

@canes, the way I see it you have 2 choices.

The first is D. Leave the situation you are in and start anew. Perhaps you will find somebody that does love you and wants to work towards a better future. If this is the direction you chose, than honestly the sooner you start working towards that objective the better off you will be. Wasting your time in a relationship that isn't working towards this goal is a waste of everyone's time.

The second option is accept the fact that you are going to be in an open relationship as long as you stay with your current wife. At least with this acceptance you will both be able to cake eat instead of her doing the eating while you feel the pain.

Keep in mind, if you chose option B it is very likely that it will end with Option A. Open relationships can work and many couples make them work and enjoy very happy lives as a result. Those people however usually have a very strong relationship going into it, you don't. they have great communication in their current relationship, you don't. They are still strongly committed to the primary relationship, she isn't.

Almost all people that have tried to open their marriage to save a troubled marriage only found that it sped up the road to divorce.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

canes said:


> So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


The reason the comments are clearly one sided is because a group of people who do not know each other but have been in your shoes in one way or the other are all telling you the same know that you are in denial, playing what is called the 'pick me' game, and we all know how this will most likely turn out. EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS GOING NOW.

She is dictating to you what she is going to do, when she is going to do it, and since you are allowing it you can bet your 401K that they will be in this interim period establishing a way to take it underground with hidden apps or burner phones.

The advice you need is
(1) she quits the job when you say so. if it takes weeks to get into therapy they continue their affair, and then there will be another excuse.
(2) you put a VAR in her car. You will find out real quick if they are still in contact
(3) you put a GPS on her car so you know where she is when she tells you she is getting a drink after work with a girlfriend
(4) you see an attorney to know your rights
(5) you believe NOTHING she tells you that you cannot verify.
(6) TOTAL NO CONTACT AND TOTAL TRANSPARENCY. No deleting anything and no closure good byes
(7) and the best for last. With her history, if you do not have her take a polygraph you are crazy. 

Now you can ignore all of that and continue what you have been doing. How has that worked for you?????

Time to get your head out of the sand and play hardball.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Cane....if this had only been a one time thing, if this was not part of her character, i'd say maybe....but here is the thing it isn't and your are just fooling into believing that this is it...after this she will be all good and she will never cheat or be attempted to cheat again....that is not going to happen...i would venture to guess that the actually number of times she has cheated either EA or PA is at least double then what you know of. But if you want to keep the family together for the sake of the family than fine, but you are really cheating yourself out of a relationship that could be with someone else. That or you open your marriage because you might as well get some action....but i am almost positive she is towing the line until the next time.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

Looks like separation is the next step (we both agree). It precedes a divorce in my state anyway.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> Looks like separation is the next step (we both agree). It precedes a divorce in my state anyway.


I would assume your stbxw is fully expecting you to cave again. For your own well being, follow through with it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sheesh...poor guy.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> I would assume your stbxw is fully expecting you to cave again. For your own well being, follow through with it.


She's fully onboard with a separation. The only thing that gives her pause right now is the kids.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you read the 180?


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Have you read the 180?


No. Link?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

canes said:


> No. Link?


Somebody slip this guy a link. I cant with my iPad.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> She's fully onboard with a separation. The only thing that gives her pause right now is the kids.


The choice of separation is not really up to your W. The choice is yours.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

canes said:


> She's fully onboard with a separation. The only thing that gives her pause right now is the kids.


Far far better for the kids to have come from a broken home than to have to live in a broken home.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

canes said:


> No. Link?


SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Google "Healing Heart The 180" and it will take you to the page. There are also threads here on TAM that talk about it. 

If you do it and stick with it, it will help you achieve some semblance of emotional disconnect from your wife and help the breakup go more smoothly for you. It is, essentially, about regaining your self esteem, which is the one thing you need most right now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse


SI?!!! Noooo not that link! 

Gawd almighty.,,,


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

canes said:


> She's fully onboard with a separation. The only thing that gives her pause right now is the kids.




Of course she is fully on board with separation, affair can now continue. Later when the affair collapses she comes to you and miraculously now loves you again. Don't fall for it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Of course she is fully on board with separation, affair can now continue. Later when the affair collapses she comes to you and miraculously now loves you again. Don't fall for it.


Agree.

The last thing you need to do is agree to a separation; unless you are doing it to get her out of the house while your start the divorce process.

Otherwise that's straight out of the Cheater's Handbook - to give her complete access to her POSOM, while you sit there as plan B.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> The reason the comments are clearly one sided is because a group of people who do not know each other but have been in your shoes in one way or the other are all telling you the same know that you are in denial, playing what is called the 'pick me' game, and we all know how this will most likely turn out. EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS GOING NOW.


Yep, it's like a very broad sample size. Human nature is human nature OP. Plus most of us have been reading these stories they really almost all follow the same pattern.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

canes said:


> Looks like separation is the next step (we both agree). It precedes a divorce in my state anyway.


Better get a good lawyer. Your wife knows you to give into you. She will not take kindly to you fighting her. I would expect the absolute worst. She has never shown that she respects you at all, this will be no different. HEED MY WORDS!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She has:

1Cheated at LEAST 3 times.
2Told you she will never love you again.
3WON'T stop cheating even now---- says she needs to stay at the job until........


You and I both know that #2 is all you should require to divorce your wife. Really, you have been divorced and living together for quite a while now. She divorced you a long time ago. The only marriage you have left is the legal part, and it's high time you fixed that.
Hell, you can still live with her and have an open marriage after you divorce.

Divorce her and live in misery for a few months, or live in misery the rest of your life. Your choice.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The person you love never really existed, that was a made up person.

This won't get better, so I would advise to NOT have her quit her job. It will hurt you financially more in the long run because you are divorcing.

Move into a mode where you only communicate with her about children and that is done via texting.

File ASAP.

Tell everyone what happened before she passes out a bunch lies that everyone believes.

Focus on improving yourself and then find someone awesome.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

canes said:


> I have not - he's divorced with a new GF.




This is step #1


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Quote: By Eric1



> That doesn't even kind of pass the smell test.
> 
> What she wants is to keep her boyfriend while keeping you tethered to her. Counselling is a stalling technique.
> 
> ...


No, he has two girlfriends.

Your Wife and the other sad Lady. 
















canes said:


> I have not - he's divorced with a new GF.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

Should I leave the house or should I make her? How does seeing each other often due to kids affect the 180 etc?


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?

when you file and or show stern resolves like 180 she will suddenly find her love and all the affection. From her past experience she knows you are a nice caring beta male husband who can be led like a poodle. Unfortunately as seen in these circles these nice men are the ones who mostly face infidelity because women are attracted to men who show resolve and confidence. So stop being a submissive partner and show her there are consequences. Then she may correct herself for good. Otherwise your R will be her stepping stone to seeking her next lover.
She should leave the marital home as she broke the vows.
I know she's 'sick'- A new sickness - just an excuse for her low morals


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

canes said:


> Should I leave the house or should I make her? How does seeing each other often due to kids affect the 180 etc?


She leaves the house.

You do not leave the house without approval from your attorney.


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## Marriedppl2talk2 (Apr 6, 2017)

It's obvious she leaves. But she gets nothing and you should sue her and him


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

canes said:


> Should I leave the house or should I make her? How does seeing each other often due to kids affect the 180 etc?


Do NOT leave your house.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what makes you think that with separation she will not pursue this other man or someone else.....what assurance has she given you ?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Have you read the 180?





canes said:


> No. Link?





bandit.45 said:


> Somebody slip this guy a link. I cant with my iPad.


The Healing Heart: The 180


You do this for yourself.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

canes said:


> This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago.


I didn't even have to read past this line to know what the correct course of action is. First you need to divorce her immediately and permanently. Second you need to get with a counselor to get straightened out so you will never be willing to tolerate this nonsense ever again.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

canes said:


> But I love my wife, and my happy ending would be reconciliation and the start of a healthy, long-lasting connection with her. I know the road to that is long and hard but im hopeful.


This is the first piece of crap type of thinking you need to jettison. It can never happen with a serial cheater. Never.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> what makes you think that with separation she will not pursue this other man or someone else.....what assurance has she given you ?


Irrelevant. It would do him a favor if she moved in with the other guy so the separation may be expedited which in turn will pave the way for the divorce he needs.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The hardest part is when you first open your eyes, to the betrayal by your spouse. 

Next is staying strong and not letting them suck you back in, you are her plan B the soft cushion for her to land on when the affairs end. 

She has no right to tell you the how the game will be played, you get to make all the decisions on this she blew that when she cheated on you. 

I would make her move out, she cheated not you.


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

Lostme said:


> The hardest part is when you first open your eyes, to the betrayal by your spouse.
> 
> Next is staying strong and not letting them suck you back in, you are her plan B the soft cushion for her to land on when the affairs end.
> 
> ...


Thanks for all the replies guys/gals. I think i'm getting my head on straight, i'm moving on.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

canes said:


> She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.
> 
> I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.



Unless she is "sick" in a verifiable mental way, like severe bipolar illness, that is not much of a defense!


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## canes (Apr 5, 2017)

Her mom and brother are bipolar.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah. She comes from a family of wackos. 

BAIL!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

canes said:


> So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?


She has said she doesn't love you. What else are you waiting for?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

canes said:


> Should I leave the house or should I make her? How does seeing each other often due to kids affect the 180 etc?


She is the one that cheated and broke the marriage. Make her leave.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

canes said:


> She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.


And you are a codependent. You love someone who does not love you. This is just as unhealthy as her behavior. It doesn't matter what YOU feel, if the feeling isn't mutual you MUST put those feelings aside and MOVE ON. The fact that you can't means you are as broken as she is. 

You can't change her BUT you can change yourself. Get some individual counseling and figure out how to become a stronger INDIVIDUAL who doesn't depend on other humans for happiness. True happiness comes from within friend.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> And you are a codependent. You love someone who does not love you. This is just as unhealthy as her behavior. It doesn't matter what YOU feel, if the feeling isn't mutual you MUST put those feelings aside and MOVE ON. The fact that you can't means you are as broken as she is.
> 
> You can't change her BUT you can change yourself. Get some individual counseling and figure out how to become a stronger INDIVIDUAL who doesn't depend on other humans for happiness. True happiness comes from within friend.


QFT

Please get these two books and read them

1) Codependent No More

2) Codependency for Dummies


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I feel like it's a waste of time but here goes.

1) See an attorney and start D
2) Kick her out
3) DNA your kids
4) Read those books several times
5) Grow a backbone

Not necessarily in that order.

My husband is a sex addict and if he had acted ANYTHING like your wife there is no way in hell I would be with him today. NO FREAKING WAY. And in addition, unless she's been diagnosed by a professional no one has ANY clue if she truly is. Unless she's been diagnosed by a CSAT, all it is is an excuse.

Do you feel like she should be 'forgiven' because she's 'sick' now?? If so, her ploy worked!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canes said:


> Her mom and brother are bipolar.


WHO CARES?!?!?! So what if she IS bipolar? Does that give her a free hall pass?


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