# Cheating, betrayal of close friendships, regret



## t.fra (Jan 13, 2013)

I don't know where to post this, so here it goes.
I feel that I have been a really terrible friend and very horrible as a person and I don't know how to go about resolving this (not in my favor). I would like some feedback on what I am doing and what I ought to do.

A, B and myself got together as acquaintances first and became really good friends over the course of 4 years. Towards the latter half of the 5th year, I realized that I was getting romantically close to B. I was in love with her. None of the other friends in our circle knew about this. At that time I also considered her my best friend. When I worked up the courage to tell her and move closer, she surprised me by saying that A and herself were in a relationship for over a year now and that she loved A. A was a really good friend and I had always cared for both of them equally (in one part of my mind at least).

A and B's relationship was a secret in our friend circle and when I came to know about this, I was shocked. I felt that I had lost the best friend that I had. I felt kind of alone and separated. Somehow this desperately led me to become closer to B and we ended up becoming physically intimate! I know I am fully responsible for giving B a dilemma by staying friends with her and being nice and loving towards her. I realized what I had done and I wanted to resolve this by letting A know, but B felt that A would be heartbroken. We argued about this multiple times, while remaining physically intimate for slightly over a year! I tried a couple of times to move away and cut ties completely, but B felt that she would lose me as a friend and that A would be really unhappy too ( I am not sure how, I do know that A has had high regard for me, but my actions obviously fly in the face of that). B definitely felt that she was doing wrong by A. I had the same feeling that I was not being a friend at all to A, let alone a good friend. I still loved B and I saw that I was making it difficult for her by being in contact with her. All this while A never suspected a thing, he was in a different city (we all started out as friends in the same city).

While we never had sexual intercourse, we were intimate with each other emotionally and physically and at the time I would justify it by giving into the want first and then regretting it. I ended up cycling through this, and "minimizing" the betrayal to A by helping B with their relationship issues. I would offer advice and help and suggestions with their issues to try to resolve them. I know for a fact that this helped their relationship a lot. A (and B) trusted me with my suggestions and that is the worst part! But as much as it seemed ok at that time, there was this gnawing feeling that it was never ok and justified. I also gave personal gifts to both A and B and tried (in my mind) to give better gifts and choose A's side more and thought that this was somehow making my mistake less severe. I have come to realize that this was totally misguided on my part. I have now fully realized that it was never a substitute or a good thing that somehow nullified or minimized my betrayal of A. I feel really really terrible and I frequently think I need to make this right. I still make gifts/buy things for A and B, but I don't gift them because I know it will never be the same friendships again anymore.

I tried multiple times to cut ties with A and B and our common friend circle, but I couldn't do it in a manner that was least problematic for A and B and myself. ( A didn't know I was trying to do this)

A and B had some big fight and they resolved it a couple of months later. B said she realized what she had done with me was very wrong and she wanted to break contact for some time at least. A and B are closer to each other now. I wanted to comfort B, but I knew that I couldn't do this again. I initially couldn't let go of contact with B even though I knew it was the right step, but slowly over a couple of months I came to accept it. I have cut off contact as subtly as possible with them and the common circle of friends. This was over a year ago.

I have completely changed my communication frequency with A and friends and I went to one email (primary mode of communication) in the last year from about 2-3 emails a week the years prior. I have given a lot of thought to all that has happened.

1. I have always felt that I couldn't just go walk up to A and tell him all this partly because a) I am still very ashamed that I am not the person of integrity that I thought I was or the person he thought I was. b) This seems like a confession on my part to offload my guilt and hurt him. c) I still care for him a lot but I have lost the privilege of being a friend. d) I would be taking this decision for B and their relationship (she didn't want me to do this and has opposed this from the beginning). While I do think B is not doing any favors to A here by hiding this, it is her relationship with A and I also want it to work alright ( so that I may have minimized the effects of my destructive actions). I have let B know in no uncertain words that she should do what she thinks right about whether to tell A or not and she shouldn't be worried about how it will hurt me ( I know this sounds egocentric, but I wanted to make it clear that I thought their relationship is more important than me being their friend). I have slowly limited contact with A and B for the most part, but since we are in the same area (A is in a different city), I run into B once a month or so (unintentionally) and we keep the conversation very minimal to Hello, bye. I don't initiate any email/phone with B and I follow up minimally if she initiates it. She has minimized all contact with me too, occasionally she will call/email to get something done.

I don't know how to go about it with A. I have subtly cut off ties with his friends (our mutual friends) because, apart from the shame on my part (which is still a major issue for me) and guilt, I don't want them to have to choose. I assume that A will come to know sometime from B (since I have no control over this) and I keep thinking about what the best course of action here is. I do sincerely want to minimize his hurt, but I cannot now take the liberty to "help" in any way.

2. I have been thinking about this almost everyday for more than 2 years now and it is affecting my daily life. The guilt and the regret is making it difficult for me to work, and I am barely making it at work. I am having trouble reaching out to form new friendships, share or even go out of the comfort of my home and workplace. How do I go about dealing with this? I have tried writing my thoughts in a diary. I have lost my close friends A and B as a result of my actions (at least in my head) and that has been very difficult to come to terms with. I have tried to look towards others and form new friendships, but this is really difficult. Growing up I was always a loner, socially awkward and shy and with A and B, I was happy that finally I was getting some people that I could relate to openly. But that seems to have gone away and I have failed at having decent friendships again.


In trying to process this I have started reading "Not just friends". I am slowly trying to understand how to set boundaries, how they can be breached and how I went over some lines that shouldn't have been crossed. That book has hit many significant points that are very similar to what happened in my friendship/relationship.

My primary questions are
1) What can I, going into the future, do in this situation?
2) Any advice/suggestions on dealing with fallouts?
3) How do I learn to accept the past and move on?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. Drama.

You do realize that the heart of do much of this B right and its because she is a cheater. She wouldn't come clean to the group or even you her BF about her relationship with A. That says so much, especially how little she valued that relationship with him.

Then she's cheating with you for more than a year, but she won't give you a full relationship either. Just sex lies and drama.

B is not a nice person. There I said it. But frankly, nice people do not make the very selfish choices she makes and continues to make.

My advice is to tell A everything. He needs to know about her cheating habits before he puts a ring on her, or before he wastes any more time on her. 

Then you need to walk away completely and dump her forever out of your life. You neither need nor want a cheater and liar like her in your life. Even if she somehow dumped A and took up with you full time, you know she'll cheat on you eventually, with A or perhaps sone new guy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're right that you've really proven yourself not to be a good friend. But you are compounding matters by not telling A. 

A good friend DOES tell a friend, "Hey, you're being betrayed." And in this case, A is being betrayed by you and her. At least if you tell him, he can take action that prevents it. Also, it will END your cheating with B. 

I agree with Shaggy completely.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I agree with both of the previous posters. A should know that B is untrustworthy.

How to deal with this situation in future - don't engage with a woman who is involved with someone else. If she is in a relationship, it's not appropriate for you to spend time alone with her or become her advisor or her lover.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> My primary questions are
> 1) What can I, going into the future, do in this situation?
> 2) Any advice/suggestions on dealing with fallouts?
> 3) How do I learn to accept the past and move on?


Um, I'm going to TOTALLY disagree with the above posters for the simple reason that you are NOT A's friend; you stabbed him in the back!

If you were simply A's friend and you knew about B cheating with SOMEONE else, I would say that it is your DUTY as A's friend to inform him. It's up to A what he wishes to do with the information.

But, you're NOT A's friend. You WERE his rival for B's affection. THAT is when you QUIT being his friend. You were duplicitous. What are you going to say now, "Yeah, I went down on your GF and I wanted to let you know that she's not faithful and she's not a very nice person." Pot calling the kettle black. YOU have lost ALL RIGHTS to 'help' A out as a "friend"; it would be self-serving to tell him (make you feel better, make her look like a 'ho who didn't choose you, etc.)

1.) If you're talking about THIS EXACT situation (with A & B), do nothing. Cease ALL contact IMMEDIATELY with either. Yes, once a year is too much...you no longer have ANY business in these people's lives.

If you're talking about FUTURE situations, read up on 'boundaries' and learn to set your own: in same-sex friendships and in opposite-sex relationships.

2.) There should be NO fallout with A & B; it is decidedly NOT your business to inform your FORMER friend that you were a CHEATER/BACK-STABBER with his GF.

3.) The only fallout you should have is WITH YOURSELF. You've been beating yourself up for 2 years. ENOUGH! You made a mistake (a grievous mistake, but a mistake nonetheless); LEARN from it. It's the most ANY of us humans can hope for. Go stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself, "What I did was horrible. It was selfish, cheap, unfair to A, and unworthy of the man I am and want to be. What I did SUCKED, and I cannot undo it. But I will LEARN from this mistake and will be on my guard against making another similar mistake from here on out. I am SORRY for what I did and will try to be a better person and a more sympathetic/non-judgemental/compassionate/understanding person to others as I strive to become a better person."

Then LET IT GO.


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## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

Define exactly what you mean by cheating. Cheating is not defined the same way by everyone. Society may think of cheating as having an affair with someone else or even just talking and flirting with someone who is not your partner. You need to decide what makes you feel betrayed. You will never feel better until you have come clean in your relationship with B. It may hurt A, but if there is enough love between the three of you things may work out for the best. In saying that B is a bit of a cheat and she would eventually cheat on anyone, is a judgment call. It is very hard to love two people at the same time and give both of them what they want. Having said this, I love to hide my head in the sand and just let situations ride. You, on the other hand may need to come clean to live with yourself.Save My Marriage


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## t.fra (Jan 13, 2013)

Thanks a lot for all your comments. Just to clarify a few things.

Ellen Steve, I don't think I have been cheated or betrayed. I know that *I have betrayed A* by cheating with B. I cheated in this case.

How can I tell A that B and myself betrayed him? Obviously, I stopped being a friend (intentionally or unintentionally) when all this started and it became secretive. He will be doubly hurt and since I am not a friend anymore, how can I assume to show any care as a "friend"? Wouldn't it be just pretense? 
I don't think I can tell him . I would like to think that this comes out of a deep sense of remorse, but I wouldn't be able to deny that there is a strong sense of shame (after all, I could be not telling him to save my own skin). Given that, my decision till now has been to stop contact and not let him know. 

SlowlyGettingWiser, I am talking about this exact instance, in that, how do I reject/stop attempts at communication by A (because he doesn't know any of this) and B without bringing all this out in the open? 

KathyBatesl, when you say "it will END your cheating with B" what do you mean? I have stopped the affair with B more than 22 months ago. Do you mean that coming out with the cheating ends it?

Thanks again for your comments.


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