# Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT



## maggie1

BACKGROUND-My husband and I dated 3 years before we got married. The entire time we were long distant. He lived in Florida and I lived in Washington due to our jobs. We then got engaged in which 3 months later we were married and relocated to California for his job. Now 2 years into the marriage I have a baby and am pregnant with twins. 

I recently found old emails and pictures of him and other women. When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married. I'm crushed! Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder


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## Hope1964

You were engaged - that's just as much of a commitment as marriage, unless you had told him he had your permission to screw whomever he pleased up until the wedding day??

There are many things he needs to do now. HE CHEATED and HE has a TON of work to do if your marriage is to survive. He has to prove to you that he is worthy of you remaining married to him. He must be truly remorseful or it will NOT work. Only if he proves to you that he IS truly remorseful should you then decide if you want to stay married to him.

There are a ton on links in the Coping With Infidelity forum you need to go and read.

Coping with Infidelity


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## Browncoat

I don't think it's too much to expect your husband to be faithful to you while engaged. I think it's basically semantics at that point to say... well baby we weren't technically married.

If you want to save the marriage then you need to get some counselling.

If you don't, IMO you are justified in divorcing him... or even getting an annulment (depending on the laws where you live).

Edit; Like Hope said, there's some very good help in the Infidelity section of the forums.


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## unbelievable

A confession extracted under a serious enough threat may or may not be reliable. Some things, before marriage, would be deal breakers. I guess each of us decide where our limits are. I don't entirely believe the adage "once a cheater always a cheater". I'm more today than I was before I married my wife. I think that's the whole point of marriage; that you've met someone who makes you want to be a better person; who shows you possibilities in yourself you never knew existed. You wanted a great husband and a great father. By your admission, that's what you have. There are no saints.


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## sigma1299

Whether or not "once a cheater always a cheater" is correct or not is a personal philosophy and is hotly debated here. My personal opinion - as a cheater (full disclosure) - is no. There are certainly people that are incapable of being faithful, but one transgression does prove that true IMO. 

Having said that - don't believe the words he is saying - cheaters lie. There is no statue of limitations on cheating - the clock just started running when you brought it to light. So despite the fact that the cheating was several years ago (are we sure he's not still) he's doing damage control - it's almost guaranteed. Listen only to what his actions tell you and what your instinct tells you. 

Additionally you are not wrong to feel betrayed. Engaged = the emotional commitment is made and the paperwork just isn't done. It's a technicality, and if he hangs his hat on it he's a weenie. 

Finally - agree with others - get over to CWI.


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## norajane

> When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married.


And did he say he thought it was ok for him to cheat? Like he didn't see anything wrong with it? Did he explain WHY he was sleeping with many other women (and putting your health at risk for STD's)?

Does he see anything wrong with it now?

If he's defending his cheating, saying he didn't think it was a big deal even though you were dating exclusively and were engaged, he will cheat on you again one day. People who don't believe how screwed up their behavior was just don't see anything wrong it. If they don't see anything wrong with it, they have little incentive (morals, ethics) not to do it.


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## ahhnold

2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badsmit

Stop it sounds to me you are losing yourself. You don't know if he is as good as you say because the sample size (total time you have been married is to short). What hard times have you had in your short marriage? What were the "REASONS" he says he cheated? You had to snoop and threaten divorce to find out "he will (is going to) manipulate you. Sucks because you love him and HE Knows it. Ask the hard questions why did he cheat? What happens when he gets board? Why did his previous relationship end? Does he still have contact with any other the women he cheated with? Does he lie to you? Are you fully integrated into his life of something to use when he needs it? People seldom change the just get to old and tired of the consequences of their fool hearted actions. Did he cheat with multiple people? In my personal opinion you have some soul searching to do....
Whose idea was it to start a family? Did he want to trap you?


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## EleGirl

There are different phases in a relationship before marriage.

Just dating is one thing.... no one has made a commitment. 

Engaged with a wedding date planned…. That’s a commitment. 

And he slept with other women through it all. You cannot let this go. This has to be treated like infidelity because he cheated after he made a very serious promise to you. 

My ex2 did the same thing. We had a long distance relationship. He carried on with other women the entire time we were dating long distance. Even for the year we were engaged long distance… yes even after he gave me the engagement ring. I cheated up until the weekend before we married. 

Did not find out about this until a year after we were married. He continued his on-line relationships with other women and even had flings with them when he traveled for his job.

Once he gave that up he withdrew into his computer, online games and cybersex.

How did you meet your husband? Via some internet site? You might want to keep a very close eye on his computer usage. Does he spend a lot of time online?


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## youngandnaive

In my opinion he should have told you what he did before you both made vows to give you the time to think about everything before making this lifetime commitment. I have been dating my bf for about 11 months now and I also found tons of emails and craiglist ads and naked pictures etc etc. He had been doing it all along. He has always treated me well, I wouldn't have expected such actions out of him. Since you two have tied the knot and have children, I would recommend counseling and lots of it. Ever since I found all of the stuff my bf did I have had issues trusting him. I often find myself wanting to snoop.. It's very unhealthy. Think about it, If it was an outsider what advice would you give to them.


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## norajane

ahhnold said:


> 2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He took away her ability to make an informed choice about her own life. He cheated throughout their relationship, and he deliberately withheld the truth so that she would marry him. He manipulated her, and took away her ability to choose whether she wanted a man like that in her life at all, much less forever. 

Now? She's got two babies on the way and is stuck with a marriage he lied her into. He is just now showing her the man he REALLY is and has been all along. Now, after he tricked her into marrying him.

That's not just something that she can or should sweep under the rug, bygones.


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## ahhnold

norajane said:


> He took away her ability to make an informed choice about her own life. He cheated throughout their relationship, and he deliberately withheld the truth so that she would marry him. He manipulated her, and took away her ability to choose whether she wanted a man like that in her life at all, much less forever.
> 
> Now? She's got two babies on the way and is stuck with a marriage he lied her into. He is just now showing her the man he REALLY is and has been all along. Now, after he tricked her into marrying him.
> 
> That's not just something that she can or should sweep under the rug, bygones.


 She wanted a man's opinion so i gave her a Man's opinion. I don't hold on to things in the past and make them into a Memorial. if i were in her shoes i sweep it under the rug and move on but i make it crystal clear there will be tight boundaries from here on out and it happen one more time then that is it. we be done.


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## Hope1964

ahhnold said:


> 2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ridiculous.

If her husband thinks this way, she needs to divorce him. She has no way of knowing WHAT her husband has been up to since. For all she knows, he's kept it up. He needs to prove otherwise. PROVE. Not just say.


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## Jeff/BC

maggie1 said:


> Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder


My father cheated on my mother... left the house... shacked up with the other woman... the whole 9 yards. My mother and father are still married... I think it was 65 years this year. So the answer to the question is "yes, some men are capable of that". That's a no-brainer. Whether or not YOUR man is capable of it is an entirely different question.


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## Hicks

I think for the sake of your kids you should give him the chance to prove he is not a cheater. But the rules of your marriage should change in that he must live in a very open manner (willingly and happily).


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## Goldmember357

maggie1 said:


> BACKGROUND-My husband and I dated 3 years before we got married. The entire time we were long distant. He lived in Florida and I lived in Washington due to our jobs. We then got engaged in which 3 months later we were married and relocated to California for his job. Now 2 years into the marriage I have a baby and am pregnant with twins.
> 
> I recently found old emails and pictures of him and other women. When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married. I'm crushed! Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder


He will cheat again

LEAVE now before you find out in a few year's hubby is cheating again.


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## Goldmember357

Hope1964 said:


> Ridiculous.
> 
> If her husband thinks this way, she needs to divorce him. She has no way of knowing WHAT her husband has been up to since. For all she knows, he's kept it up. He needs to prove otherwise. PROVE. Not just say.


He also lied to her
He did not tell her until she came to him
He lied again
He Denied it
He than admitted it once she threatened divorce

Really should i or someone explain why ^^^ all of these are huge huge issues and show a lack of concern for his actions?


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## Deejo

Well...

What do you want to do?

Lets start there. Can you get past this if you choose to stay?


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## effess

maggie1 said:


> BACKGROUND-My husband and I dated 3 years before we got married. The entire time we were long distant. He lived in Florida and I lived in Washington due to our jobs. We then got engaged in which 3 months later we were married and relocated to California for his job. Now 2 years into the marriage I have a baby and am pregnant with twins.
> 
> I recently found old emails and pictures of him and other women. When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married. I'm crushed! Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder


As a reformed cheater myself, yes a man can change. I do not believe you should worry over that. But I would be devastated in your position if I knew my spouse was sleeping around two months before our wedding. I would feel like our entire 'courtship' (to use an old-fashioned term), which is supposed to be one the of most magical times in a relationship, was a lie.


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## LoveMouse

GRRRR but you asked.
I dated my X wife for 5 years before we married. Years 1~3 of dating I had sex w/ lots of other women but we were on/off so it wasn't like we were looking to get married. Years 3~4 I had decided we were ment to be together but I still had my F~buddy. the 5th year we dated I only wanted her, I wanted to get her a ring, I broke off all contact w/ the F~buddy. I saved some money, I knew what ring she wanted but before I went and put it on layaway I had sex w/ one more woman and we had sex a lot!! Money in my pocket I broke it off w/ the OW, that same day I bought her the engaugment ring she wanted. From that day forward I was faithful, I never had any regrets and she never knew. 
For me I never wanted to cheat on my wife, I never wanted her to doubt my love...I needed to know I could leave all the other women behind w/o regret, I was a male *****, I was addicted to women. I was married for 20yrs and never cheated on her once. She cheated on me 2yrs ago and we are divorcing. she was faithful for as long as she could be and that is the end.
Mouse


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## RandomDude

> Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP!


Well... I cheated on my wife before marriage, and it's haunted us for years. Nowadays it's just a pandora's box (we try not to open up the wound again)

I know why I did it and I've already told my wife the reasons but nonetheless I did not excuse myself for my actions and knew that what I did was really f--ked up. Since then, I've committed myself to never cheat again

So the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" - is BS


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## May

sigma1299 said:


> Whether or not "once a cheater always a cheater" is correct or not is a personal philosophy and is hotly debated here. My personal opinion - as a cheater (full disclosure) - is no. There are certainly people that are incapable of being faithful, but one transgression does prove that true IMO.
> 
> Having said that - don't believe the words he is saying - cheaters lie. There is no statue of limitations on cheating - the clock just started running when you brought it to light. So despite the fact that the cheating was several years ago (are we sure he's not still) he's doing damage control - it's almost guaranteed. Listen only to what his actions tell you and what your instinct tells you.
> 
> Additionally you are not wrong to feel betrayed. Engaged = the emotional commitment is made and the paperwork just isn't done. It's a technicality, and if he hangs his hat on it he's a weenie.
> 
> Finally - agree with others - get over to CWI.


I believe that once a cheater always a cheater.. My husband & I been together for 22yrs. I just found out he's been cheating on me for the last 10 yrs, with more than one woman.. Yes, he cheated before we were married, I thought he would change.. Boy, was I wrong..


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## anonymous11111

Hi,

I have been in a relationship with the perfect guy for about 8 years now. A day after my wedding on my honeymoon I saw some pics of a girl on bis laptopnand contacted her on facebook and found out that he was cheating on him for last 5 months before we got married. It was very clear from the pictures and the emails that they were deeply involved with sex. We were in long distance for two years. My husband says that he was scared about the wedding and he wanted to have some fun before the wedding. He says it started as **** buddies but later on the girl got too emotional and was not ready to let go and my husband then had no option but to tell her that he might get married his dad has fixed his marriage.He also admits that she used to do a lot for him and used sex as a tool to manipulate him to keep him with her and said things like you ll be the happiest man alive with me and he got swayed by her talks and in between he also started thinking that maybe he ll be happy with her since she s so open about sex and takes care of me but it was like a fleeting moment he said

Well, 8 years that i have been with my husband to be honest i took him for granted very much i never could think that he ll score some chick and start having sex. I always avoided sex with him it had been more than a year that we had sex well i didnt know he was getting it elsewhwere. when in long distance i would hardly talk to him or be bothered that he might have found someone.

after we came back from the honeymoon, he was ready to leave his job and shift to the city where i was staying to avoid future problem since she was there. but i insisted that he should continue his job and i will come with him

we were going througha rough patch and he told me later taht she has his laptop also which she had stolen from his house while he was away for honeymoon. so i told him to message her to return the laptop. then she started calling him like crazy and sending sentimental messages like pls meet me once which he dint tell me cuz he thought that will upset him plus he was apologetic towards her and he didnt want her to feel like he used her so he spoke to her and met her her for 10 mins and said sorry when she asked if you have sex with her i cant imagine you do he said no we dont cuz we are having problems right now he says he wanted to put her to peace and part ways by pacifying her by saying whatever made her feel nice. she then asked him to **** her one last time cuz she still felt for her which he refused

this happened for 2 days and then it stopped , he dint want to tell me cuz he didnt know how will i react. well i found out and then he said that he did this to get his latop back by getting in her good books and yes he was guilty towrads her. i got in touch witb her and she tried to tell me how he love her missed her and how he has no choice but to work on this relationship

now what i dont understand is why did he entertain her agin after getting married when we were trying to work towards our marriage and if he did why did he lie to me may be he still had/has feeling towrds her


to prove her wrong he wrote an long email explaining to both of us saying how he dint love her and it was just sex for him and that he loves me and that he thought he owed her an apology but she misused it


we satred working on our relationship again, after a week she mails my husband saying good bye dear friend, it was such a pleasure to meet you. do what your heart says follow your heart with the heading of beautiful way.


what should i do, i am literally going mad!!!

pls advise, im so confused

thanks


to prove me wrong he wrote an email to her to tell her that


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## Forest

Just as another male perspective, yes this sucks and was wrong. No question about it.

However:

I would begin first with the relationship since the marriage. If it has been good, faithful, and true that should be considered very heavily.

In the situation you describe, you two were separated by much distance and went lengths of time without seeing each other. He selfishly took this as a license to stretch the rules in his favor. A mean and thoughtless thing to do, but he dismissed or justified it as "I'm not married yet".

So, it was bad, but a deal breaker? Not nearly as clear as betrayal after the marriage proper. Leaves some wiggle room for acceptance if he is in the right place now: truly remorseful, etc.


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## EleGirl

Forest said:


> Just as another male perspective, yes this sucks and was wrong. No question about it.
> 
> However:
> 
> I would begin first with the relationship since the marriage. If it has been good, faithful, and true that should be considered very heavily.
> 
> In the situation you describe, you two were separated by much distance and went lengths of time without seeing each other. He selfishly took this as a license to stretch the rules in his favor. A mean and thoughtless thing to do, but he dismissed or justified it as "I'm not married yet".
> 
> So, it was bad, but a deal breaker? Not nearly as clear as betrayal after the marriage proper. Leaves some wiggle room for acceptance if he is in the right place now: truly remorseful, etc.


If your wife had cheated on you during your engagement with a few men, this is how you would view it?


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## EleGirl

anonymous11111 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been in a relationship with the perfect guy for about 8 years now. A day after my wedding on my honeymoon I saw some pics of a girl on bis laptopnand contacted her on facebook and found out that he was cheating on him for last 5 months before we got married. It was very clear from the pictures and the emails that they were deeply involved with sex. We were in long distance for two years. My husband says that he was scared about the wedding and he wanted to have some fun before the wedding. He says it started as **** buddies but later on the girl got too emotional and was not ready to let go and my husband then had no option but to tell her that he might get married his dad has fixed his marriage.He also admits that she used to do a lot for him and used sex as a tool to manipulate him to keep him with her and said things like you ll be the happiest man alive with me and he got swayed by her talks and in between he also started thinking that maybe he ll be happy with her since she s so open about sex and takes care of me but it was like a fleeting moment he said
> 
> Well, 8 years that i have been with my husband to be honest i took him for granted very much i never could think that he ll score some chick and start having sex. I always avoided sex with him it had been more than a year that we had sex well i didnt know he was getting it elsewhwere. when in long distance i would hardly talk to him or be bothered that he might have found someone.
> 
> after we came back from the honeymoon, he was ready to leave his job and shift to the city where i was staying to avoid future problem since she was there. but i insisted that he should continue his job and i will come with him
> 
> we were going througha rough patch and he told me later taht she has his laptop also which she had stolen from his house while he was away for honeymoon. so i told him to message her to return the laptop. then she started calling him like crazy and sending sentimental messages like pls meet me once which he dint tell me cuz he thought that will upset him plus he was apologetic towards her and he didnt want her to feel like he used her so he spoke to her and met her her for 10 mins and said sorry when she asked if you have sex with her i cant imagine you do he said no we dont cuz we are having problems right now he says he wanted to put her to peace and part ways by pacifying her by saying whatever made her feel nice. she then asked him to **** her one last time cuz she still felt for her which he refused
> 
> this happened for 2 days and then it stopped , he dint want to tell me cuz he didnt know how will i react. well i found out and then he said that he did this to get his latop back by getting in her good books and yes he was guilty towrads her. i got in touch witb her and she tried to tell me how he love her missed her and how he has no choice but to work on this relationship
> 
> now what i dont understand is why did he entertain her agin after getting married when we were trying to work towards our marriage and if he did why did he lie to me may be he still had/has feeling towrds her
> 
> 
> to prove her wrong he wrote an long email explaining to both of us saying how he dint love her and it was just sex for him and that he loves me and that he thought he owed her an apology but she misused it
> 
> 
> we satred working on our relationship again, after a week she mails my husband saying good bye dear friend, it was such a pleasure to meet you. do what your heart says follow your heart with the heading of beautiful way.
> 
> 
> what should i do, i am literally going mad!!!
> 
> pls advise, im so confused
> 
> thanks
> 
> 
> to prove me wrong he wrote an email to her to tell her that


This is what we call a zombie thread... the person who wrote has not been here for 2 years.

If you want help for yourself, you need to start your own thread. Just cut/paste your post to a new thread that you start.


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## maverick23

maggie1 said:


> BACKGROUND-My husband and I dated 3 years before we got married. The entire time we were long distant. He lived in Florida and I lived in Washington due to our jobs. We then got engaged in which 3 months later we were married and relocated to California for his job. Now 2 years into the marriage I have a baby and am pregnant with twins.
> 
> I recently found old emails and pictures of him and other women. When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married. I'm crushed! Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder


Haven't read much further but the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is unfounded, male or female. Cheating isn't inherently addicting, so this idea isn't doing anyone any favors.


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