# Silent treatment-why?



## Thatgirl66 (Jun 10, 2021)

So this morning, my husband and I had an argument. He said some very very hurtful things to me that were completely uncalled for, and of course I got mad. I told him that he had no right to talk to me like that, and that I deserved an apology. Obviously I love him and I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said so if he were to sincerely apologize I would forgive him. However, he has been giving ME the silent treatment all day, even though he was the one who said all of the hurtful things. I’ve more or less stayed out of his way, but also tried to gently make peace with him with no response. What’s up with that? I’m going crazy in my mind here. This is going on 13 hours. Any suggestions on what I could do or why he could be doing this?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thatgirl66 said:


> I’ve more or less stayed out of his way, but also tried to gently make peace with him with no response. What’s up with that? I’m going crazy in my mind here. This is going on 13 hours. Any suggestions on what I could do or why he could be doing this?


Typical passive-aggressive/childish response. He doesn't want to admit he's done anything wrong. Probably thinks he's completely in the right.

You offered the olive branch. He refused. Guess you could let him sulk and behave like a recalcitrant child and attempt another appeasement attempt. As it is, he knows he's hurting you further with this silent treatment crap. Oh, yeah, and it's called ABUSE.

Me? I'd be out the door in a New York minute to go see a movie or visit with a friend. Leave him to stew in his own juices. And, for what it's worth, I put up with the same crap from my husband when he was alive. Until one day I decided I'd had enough and left for good.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I go silent when I’m overwhelmed and need space, but not as a way to punish someone, and I don’t let it go on all day. Usually I say upfront I don’t want to talk. 

So if a person tries to make contact, I might stay silent simply out of shock or flooding, but I don’t use it as something deliberate - I usually come back later to talk when I get over myself or calm down from the hurt.

If a person is using this as a manipulation tactic, especially when they are in the wrong, as the above poster said, go to the movies, the gym, hum a tune and don’t crack 😉


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sometimes silence is a coping mechanism.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well what was the fight about. Common advice given on here particularly when your spouse seems to be taking you for granted is to detach. Have you had this fight before, any long term conflict in your relationship?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So this morning, my husband and I had an argument. He said some very very hurtful things to me that were completely uncalled for, and of course I got mad. I told him that he had no right to talk to me like that, and that I deserved an apology. Obviously I love him and I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said so if he were to sincerely apologize I would forgive him. However, he has been giving ME the silent treatment all day, even though he was the one who said all of the hurtful things. I’ve more or less stayed out of his way, but also tried to gently make peace with him with no response. What’s up with that? I’m going crazy in my mind here. This is going on 13 hours. Any suggestions on what I could do or why he could be doing this?


The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Play him at his own game and completely ignore him. Sleep in a separate bedroom and do your own thing, better still pack a suitcase and go visit your family or a friend. Do not cook for him, clean for him nothing. If he wants to act like a child throwing a tantrum, treat him as one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What was the argument about? Was it something that is a long standing issue?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why does he do it? Because he's incredibly immature. He's like a petulant toddler who didn't get his way so now he's pouting. Gross.

My husband did this early in our relationship, when we first started living together. I can't stand it and I won't tolerate it. I simply went about my business, prepared my all time fave meal for tea - just enough for me, lol, then I went out for the evening. Just went. When I got home he was all "Where's my tea? Where you go? Why wasn't I invited?" I was my normal self and simply said "I couldn't ask you what wanted for tea love because you weren't speaking to me" and "I was out with X and Y, they invited us for drinks but I couldn't ask you because you weren't speaking to me". Lol. Men have NO idea who they're messing with when they pull this crap, seriously.

The next day I sat my then boyfriend down and said to him that I find people who give the silent treatment incredibly immature individuals, that that's not how grown ups behave, that I don't react or respond well to it and I won't tolerate it. I said if it ever happened again I would end our relationship. I wasn't prepared to sign on for that crap for the rest of my life.

Meet your husband where he is, and speak to him in a way he understands ie tell him to put his big boy pants on, use his words and his inside voice to tell you what the problem is. If he continues pouting, hand him a sippy cup and take yourself out for the night.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Welcome to life with an immature little man-child.

You're doing exactly what you shouldn't be doing - crying the blues because little Johnny won't talk to you. Personally, you should be thanking the powers that be for the peace and quiet and taking advantage of it.

Don't tell me you're still cooking and doing the laundry for this jackass?

Seriously, just stop whinging like the world has come to an end and MOST of all, quit kissing up to him and begging him to talk to you - that's a VERY nasty precedent to set because it will teach him that his childish behavior WORKS because it made you cry and apologize when it's HE who needs to grow the hell up and apologize.

You need to set your boundaries right now or you're going to regret it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So this morning, my husband and I had an argument. He said some very very hurtful things to me that were completely uncalled for, and of course I got mad. I told him that he had no right to talk to me like that, and that I deserved an apology.


The odd thing is, when I work with a couple, _both_ of them often see it exactly like the above. Like "of course I got mad" and "my partner needs to apologise for getting mad" and "I can't understand why my partner would say what they say" and "they didn't seem to understand what I was saying"...... Of course I have the advantage of actually hearing both of them.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It's interesting (well I think so) that almost everyone responding has referred to this as _child _behaviour. I'm sure it has roots in childhood. The question for me then is, when your partner goes into child mode, do you (I mean the generic you, I am not addressing any specific person here) do you go into _parent_ mode? I.e. assuming, and telling them, that you know best and you are right?


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## Thatgirl66 (Jun 10, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What was the argument about? Was it something that is a long standing issue?


So we have a puppy. The puppy is teething and she bit my husband yesterday while I was in a different room. He cried out and I came running. He got mad because I didn’t offer up any suggestions when he asked what to do. I kind of froze because I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Then he yelled and said some really nasty things and I told him that was unacceptable to talk to me that way.
and I have not been begging for his attention or begging for him to talk to me. I’ve just been trying to go about normal life. Last night I even went to the gym, cooked for just myself, and watched tv alone. The silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful fo have itdone to me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, I'm confused. What were _you_ supposed to do about the teething puppy nipping your husband? Was he bleeding profusely? Had he lost a finger? Were you supposed to call 911 or rush him to the hospital? Or were you supposed to pop the puppy on nose or scold the puppy for him? Is it often your job to come running and fix everything when he has a boo-boo?

Verbal abuse followed by the silent treatment when you insist on being spoken to in a respectful manner? Yeah, that'd be a hard NO from me. How long have you been married? Do you frequently find yourself being made responsible for, punished for, his emotional states? Do you "walk on eggshells" to avoid his moods? 

By the way, you said that "the silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful." That's the answer to your question of "Why?" _He does it because he wants you to feel isolated and awful_ - so you'll think twice before insisting on not being yelled at next time. It's a control mechanism. He's punishing you for standing up for yourself.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So we have a puppy. The puppy is teething and she bit my husband yesterday while I was in a different room. He cried out and I came running. He got mad because I didn’t offer up any suggestions when he asked what to do. I kind of froze because I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Then he yelled and said some really nasty things and I told him that was unacceptable to talk to me that way.
> and I have not been begging for his attention or begging for him to talk to me. I’ve just been trying to go about normal life. Last night I even went to the gym, cooked for just myself, and watched tv alone. The silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful fo have itdone to me.


Seriously?

What are his good qualities?


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## Thatgirl66 (Jun 10, 2021)

Rowan said:


> Sorry, I'm confused. What were _you_ supposed to do about the teething puppy nipping your husband? Was he bleeding profusely? Had he lost a finger? Were you supposed to call 911 or rush him to the hospital? Or were you supposed to pop the puppy on nose or scold the puppy for him? Is it often your job to come running and fix everything when he has a boo-boo?
> 
> Verbal abuse followed by the silent treatment when you insist on being spoken to in a respectful manner? Yeah, that'd be a hard NO from me. How long have you been married? Do you frequently find yourself being made responsible for, punished for, his emotional states? Do you "walk on eggshells" to avoid his moods?
> 
> By the way, you said that "the silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful." That's the answer to your question of "Why?" _He does it because he wants you to feel isolated and awful_ - so you'll think twice before insisting on not being yelled at next time. It's a control mechanism. He's punishing you for standing up for yourself.


We’ve been married about a year and a half. I feel like often when we argue we make up on “his” terms and not mine. I like to talk things out and try to rationally come up with a solution together and he prefers to isolate and then magically after either an hour or maybe even a day pretend like nothing happened. If I ever try to talk about the issue while he is “isolating” even if I am in the wrong and I want to say I’m sorry and I love him, the argument gets worse and there’s either yelling or even worse, prolonged silent treatment. 
I thinkthis time he is acting this way because he feels guilty and doesn’t want to face me.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So this morning, my husband and I had an argument. He said some very very hurtful things to me that were completely uncalled for, and of course I got mad. I told him that he had no right to talk to me like that, and that I deserved an apology. Obviously I love him and I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said so if he were to sincerely apologize I would forgive him. However, he has been giving ME the silent treatment all day, even though he was the one who said all of the hurtful things. I’ve more or less stayed out of his way, but also tried to gently make peace with him with no response. What’s up with that? I’m going crazy in my mind here. This is going on 13 hours. Any suggestions on what I could do or why he could be doing this?


As far as I've read online (I did a LOT of investigation because my husband did the same thing to me) silent treatment is considered - EMOTIONAL ABUSE! They say on Youtube that Narcassists love to use this manipulation and emotional abuse to make the victim apologize and talk first for something they didn't do. If he said many hurtful things to you, to me personally it seems like resentment! He probably doesn't really love you! I am/was in the same boat! Only this week I filed for divorce while crying and sobbing (25 year marriage). It all began too with my husband refusing to buy me an $8 salad and then telling me very hurtful things. Then he'd give me the silent treatment for 2 days and I was the one who'd go and apologize for what I don't know! Now when I look back, he played that manipulation game where the victim is facing contempt and emotional abuse and the victim to make things better than goes and apologizes first! 
Ask yourself this : If a man truly loved you, would he say nasty hurtful things to you???? No! He would not! He'd want to make you smile and he'd want to make your day pleasant and cheerful. I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but based on his actions, I don't think he loves you. I've just gone through exact same thing and I decided that I need to get out of this toxic relationship. Good luck to you!


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So we have a puppy. The puppy is teething and she bit my husband yesterday while I was in a different room. He cried out and I came running. He got mad because I didn’t offer up any suggestions when he asked what to do. I kind of froze because I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Then he yelled and said some really nasty things and I told him that was unacceptable to talk to me that way.
> and I have not been begging for his attention or begging for him to talk to me. I’ve just been trying to go about normal life. Last night I even went to the gym, cooked for just myself, and watched tv alone. The silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful fo have itdone to me.


Oh dear.... looks like he's been doing that silent treatment for a while now... like a little baby "throwing tantrum" "Here! You'll be miserable because I am not going to talk to you".
My husband was the same way only when I'd ask him a question in normal tone of voice he'd just silently he'd get off the couch, take a dog and go for a walk for 2-3 hours in unknown direction at -2 degree weather this winter. I'd get into my car after 30 min and drive around neighborhood to look for him. The emotional abuse he'd put me through, was just devastating to my mental health. I felt like I wanted to GET OUT of the house and go enjoy outdoors and walks in park where lots of people enjoy pubs/restaurants and live music.
In your situation, I'd sit down and talk to him face to face and I'd ask him "what's with those silent treatments" "what are you trying to show me?" "I want you to communicate with me instead of closing off" If something is bothering you, could we please go to the marriage counselor? If he'd refuse to go to see a marriage counselor/psychologist, then go alone! Do it for yourself! If he'll continue to behave that way despite your efforts on communication etc....(you decide) but maybe legal separation or even divorce might be the final solution.. I am not forcing you to divorce him, just reading your posts it's like as you were talking about my husband. I felt emotionally drained like a "squeezed lemon". I can't function well in such environment, so in my case, I decided to let it go by filing for divorce.


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## Thatgirl66 (Jun 10, 2021)

Update: he is still being a little reclusive but he did apologize for treating me poorly


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I was in a relationship with a person I was crazy in life with. She used the silent treatment as a weapon. It deeply affected me. I’ll never be in a relationship where that is involved ever again. Once she determined that it hurt me, it got worse and worse to the point that it would go on for days. 
fyi. Btw, she was never in the wrong, everything was her way orthe highway, and the relationship finally ended due to her BPD.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Thatgirl66 said:


> Update: he is still being a little reclusive but he did apologize for treating me poorly


If you think it is worth it, see a counselor with your husband or ask him to start therapy because his behavior is not acceptable and the way he treats you is nothing short of emotional and verbal abuse. In any case, I hope you won't consider having children with him in this situation. Also, from my personal experience with an abusive XH, even if he apologized, next time something happens, and it doesn't have to be a big deal, just anything that could give him an excuse for lashing out at you, he'll jump at the opportunity and verbally abuse you. Oh and he'll give you the silent treatment again, and he'll apologize again. Abuse is a cycle.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

It sounds to me like he is the type of man who needs time to process conflict and events. It's not "the silent treatment", it's how he works through things. Give him the space, and he'll come back around, maybe with a plan on teaching your puppy bite control. It sounds like he's apologized for what he said.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

delete


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

2&out said:


> Is the dog still alive ? Anything that bits me doesn't stay that way long. Might give 1 chance - but if a second time there won't be a third. A no there won't be a discussion about it. If that's the silent treatment - so be it.


You don't have kids, do you? At least, I hope not.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So this morning, my husband and I had an argument. He said some very very hurtful things to me that were completely uncalled for, and of course I got mad. I told him that he had no right to talk to me like that, and that I deserved an apology. Obviously I love him and I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said so if he were to sincerely apologize I would forgive him. However, he has been giving ME the silent treatment all day, even though he was the one who said all of the hurtful things. I’ve more or less stayed out of his way, but also tried to gently make peace with him with no response. What’s up with that? I’m going crazy in my mind here. This is going on 13 hours. Any suggestions on what I could do or why he could be doing this?


That is some people's natural response when they get hurt or angry....the emotions are just too intense and they just shut down and want to just get away from the source. 
Those that naturally feel this way may take a long time before the emotions and offense dissipates to where they can get over the strong emotion and openly communicate again. 
Since good honest, loving, respectful communication is so vital for a healthy relationship this type can lead to problems. He'd have to want to work on his communication and practice communicating better. 
Some people are naturally good at it and some have to work on it. 

As per your argument. We are only getting your side of it so we don't really know how this really went down and if you are the wounded party who needs an apology. Maybe. Maybe it is him. It is tough to judge when you are only presented with one side's take on a matter. Everyone justifies themself in their own eyes and everyone usually feels they are in the right.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I was waiting for the “online” diagnosis of narcissism to come out. Didn’t take to long.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

> 2&out said:
> Is the dog still alive ? Anything that bits me doesn't stay that way long. Might give 1 chance - but if a second time there won't be a third. A no there won't be a discussion about it. If that's the silent treatment - so be it.


You don't have kids, do you? At least, I hope not. 

It's worse than you "hope". Two that I raised from 3 yrs old and 6 months as a 100% full legal and physical custody Dad. They had very little contact with their Mom - not seeing or talking to her for years at a time. They aren't kids anymore - they are overachiever both double college degreed 22 and 25 yr young adults. ) They are awesome and they kick ass.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

O -- one of each.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was waiting for the “online” diagnosis of narcissism to come out. Didn’t take to long.


On the entire thread (so far), narcissism was only mentioned twice, except for your post that I have quoted here.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

All puppies bite…it’s instinctual. Most people realize this and know they will have to train them and there will be some collateral damage. I don’t blame this lady for being upset. His response was over the top. 


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> On the entire thread (so far), narcissism was only mentioned twice, except for your post that I have quoted here.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That’s my point. The diagnosis of narcissism is rampant on online forums. Who needs professionals anymore?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

As far as puppies biting, it’s fine. If the dog gets aggressive, I’d get rid of it. I work for an insurance company and I’ve seen really bad scar cases from dog bites. I’ll never forget a 4 year old girl, blonde hair, blue eyes that had her face mauled by a pit bull that jumped over her fence. Usually, the dog is put down anyway after a bad bite.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Puppies sometimes bite. Its up to the owner(s) to train the puppy not to do that. Takes some time. If it becomes a problem in adult dog, might need to get rid of dog.

Spouses sometimes go silent. Its up to the speaking spouse to train the other spouse that is not acceptable. Might take some time. If it continues, you might need to get rid of immature spouse.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

re16 said:


> Puppies sometimes bite. Its up to the owner(s) to train the puppy not to do that. Takes some time. If it becomes a problem in adult dog, might need to get rid of dog.
> 
> Spouses sometimes go silent. Its up to the speaking spouse to train the other spouse that is not acceptable. Might take some time. If it continues, you might need to get rid of immature spouse.


Love it!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Thatgirl66 said:


> Update: he is still being a little reclusive but he did apologize for treating me poorly


That's good, but it doesn't go far enough. You need to sit down with him and set a firm boundary about the silent treatment, and let him know that you won't tolerate it.



2&out said:


> O -- one of each.


Really? You'd euthanise a puppy for mouthing?? It's the owners job to teach bite inhibition, not pups fault.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thatgirl66 said:


> So we have a puppy. The puppy is teething and she bit my husband yesterday while I was in a different room. He cried out and I came running. He got mad because I didn’t offer up any suggestions when he asked what to do. I kind of froze because I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Then he yelled and said some really nasty things and I told him that was unacceptable to talk to me that way.
> and I have not been begging for his attention or begging for him to talk to me. I’ve just been trying to go about normal life. Last night I even went to the gym, cooked for just myself, and watched tv alone. The silent treatment is just so isolating and makes me feel awful fo have itdone to me.


He could really be a narcissist. They throw temper tantrums like little kids, in fact they are little kids in adult bodies. Are there other red flags? It could be something learned from his FOO. My MIL could give the silent treatment for weeks to my poor FIL. I hate that stuff!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was waiting for the “online” diagnosis of narcissism to come out. Didn’t take to long.


yup, there are red flags, blaming the OP for puppy bite? huh? silent treatment for defending herself, it sure looks like he has some narcissistic qualities for sure


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