# How do you just stop thinking about it?



## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

I'm new here. My name is Dale. This is my first post. I'm hoping I can get some advice because I'm at my wit's end.

My wife has been repeatedly unfaithful to me many times over the last 6 months. There were other incidents in the years before that but now it is much more frequent. Her infidelity is mostly online (cybersex chats, sharing explicit photos) but there have been a couple of in-person incidents as well.

We have had confrontations about it and she has promised me over and over again that she has stopped, but I know from snooping on her computer and phone (yes, I know that's bad) that she is still in touch with the people she has had affairs with regularly and is making new online friends all the time. Even when these online relationships are not overtly sexual in nature they are almost always romantic and affectionate.

She has a history of childhood sexual abuse and is currently seeing a counsellor once every two weeks. She describes her online activity as an addiction that stems from her past abuse, which involved an online predator.

She has told me that she has quit cold turkey but I am about 75% sure this is a lie. She has started putting up passwords up all over her electronic devices so I can't snoop anymore, but a husband of many years can still see the signs.

I believe she really does want to stop because she's aware of how much it hurts me, but I also believe that she hasn't fully stopped yet and it could be a while before she finally does.

What I need very badly is your help and your advice to put my mind at ease until that happy day comes. 

What can I do to forget about it, and give her time to catch up to where she wants to be?

It haunts me every day and I'm horribly depressed. Please help.

(PS: Don't just tell me to leave her, that's not an option)


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you see a trend here? You keep forgiving her, she keeps promising you yet she does it again. 

Do you have a limit of how many affair's she'll have before you divorce her?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think you should read some of the stories here at CWI and learn from them. They will point you in the right direction.

Bit I can tell you, that if your attitude is that leaving isn't an option, you are in for a lot of trouble.

You must be ready to leave in order to win her back. She is cake eating big time, and you are letting her.

Do some reading.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

I've tried to forgive her each time but I don't really think I have, because if I really forgave her then I'd feel more at peace.

It also doesn't help that even if I forgive her completely for everything that she's done in the past, I think it's only a matter of time (a week? a day?) before she succumbs to her addiction again.

I don't have a number limit on how many times this can happen before we divorce. It's hard to feel morally superior about her infidelity when I know that it stems directly from awful traumatic experiences in her childhood. I pity her more than I'm angry at her.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Dale said:


> What I need very badly is your help and your advice to put my mind at ease until that happy day comes.
> (PS: Don't just tell me to leave her, that's not an option)


So in a sense you're asking for a quick fix ?

Sorry Dale, you need to wade through the pain and your attitude should change as cpacan says

Check out the newbies links from Almostrecovered's signature and the links from morituri's signature. They will point you in the right direction


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Hi cpacan,

I have been reading posts on this site all morning, and I was dismayed to find how often the pat answer people give seems to be "just leave the b*tch" or some variation of that.

I'm not throwing away a 7 year marriage without trying to give her a chance to heal the way she's trying to.

I just want to help myself feel OK while she's working on it.

Dale


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dale said:


> I've tried to forgive her each time but I don't really think I have, because if I really forgave her then I'd feel more at peace.
> 
> It also doesn't help that even if I forgive her completely for everything that she's done in the past, I think it's only a matter of time (a week? a day?) before she succumbs to her addiction again.
> 
> I don't have a number limit on how many times this can happen before we divorce. It's hard to feel morally superior about her infidelity when I know that it stems directly from awful traumatic experiences in her childhood. I pity her more than I'm angry at her.


How about when she starts bringing guys to your house? You'll blame it on her childhood?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dale,

What do you hope to do in a marriage, where your wife is a serial cheater, having no remorse?

AU


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Thanks for the specific references of things to look at here, anyonymouskitty. I'll check those links out today.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh Dale, we've been there mate. The thing that separates people who make it out( married or divorced doesn't matter) in a better emotional state than the ones who make it out being basket cases is that the former were willing to leave the relationship while the latter hung on till the string broke


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dale said:


> It's hard to feel morally superior about her infidelity when I know that it stems directly from awful traumatic experiences in her childhood. I pity her more than I'm angry at her.


I know exactly how you feel. If someone cheated on me because of childhood sexual abuse, I'd personally find it much easier to forgive them, precisely because of the pity I'd have for them. I'd find it much harder to leave them and throw them to the wolves in those circumstances.

That being said, your wife will not break this vicious cycle until she gets professional help to address that trauma. All you can do in the mean time is sit back and watch because she will not let go of that addiction so long as she's consumed by those demons.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Keko: That mental image is really not helping me much, so please cut it out.

Angryandused: My wife feels a tremendous amount of remorse and guilt, because she knows she's making me feel the same pain she felt during her abuse in early life. But remorse and guilt are not enough to make someone quit a serious addiction.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Thanks for the tough love, anyonymouskitty. The string I'm hanging onto is surely getting frayed.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Complexity: You seem to get what I'm feeling totally. She is currently seeing a professional counsellor and has been for a few months now. However, because of our financial situation she can only get a free two hour session once every two weeks with a public counsellor, so progress right now feels painfully slow.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Do this The Healing Heart: The 180

and read this

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

keko said:


> Do you see a trend here? You keep forgiving her, she keeps promising you yet she does it again.
> 
> Do you have a limit of how many affair's she'll have before you divorce her?


... or before she breaks the news to you that she's filing for divorce from you! When she reaches what she considers to be fertile ground for a sustainable outside relationship will exactly be the moment when she'll drop that bomb on you, my friend!


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

Anonymouskitty: thanks again for the additional links. I'll read them and try to learn from them. It's scary to think that what might have been making me feel so bad was my devotion, dedication, and hope... but if I let those go I'll have to do it entirely on my side of the relationship. One of the factors that caused my wife to start cheating to begin with was a fear of abandonment, so if I tell her I'm ready to walk away, I'll trigger another episode. I'm sure of it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Do this The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> Anon,
> 
> ...


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

arbitrator: i really doubt it. as I said, i snooped in her electronic devices and i've read her exchanges. she's not looking to create a permanent outside relationship to replace ours. she's addicted to online sex and fake "boyfriend" experiences with anyonmous men. she trades them up every few weeks, it seems, and doesn't hestitate to dump them without a goodbye and find a new one. she's addicted to promiscuity. a permanent outside relationship would exclude the possibility of that for her.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I dont know if childhood sexual abuse is the cause of her promiscuity.
Some veterans like Mori, LM may be able to answer that.

If she is truly remorseful, she should have stopped online cheating at your first confrontation.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Have you tried taking away her access to the internet?

Also, where are you when she's finding the time to do all of this?

I understand that there are complex reasons as to her addiction,
but by sitting back and being a semi-supportive co-dependant, you're
doing nothing to really resolve the problem and are in-fact almost encouraging her to maintain this type of behavior.

I wish you the best of luck.

Keep reading from others here. You're in good hands.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

angryandused: as a survivor of drug addiction myself, i can tell you from personal experience that remorse is NOT enough to just up and quit something cold turkey.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

cantthinkstraight: yes, i tried that right after the last incident i can confirmed knowledge of, and it didn't work too well. what i learned from that is that if someone's gonna cheat/self-harm, they're going to find a way to do it anyway.

I hate to think I'm encouraging, or at least facilitating this behaviour, but you and anonymouskitty may be right about that. I obviously have a lot of thinking to do.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I believe your version, she has a compulsive need to seek validation from these men.

You can see for youself she wants to stop, but can't.

So this is her drug of choice--like all addicts she won't quit until she hits rock bottom.

If I were you I'd find some well-qualified internet / sex / porn addiction counselors. The treatment is essentially the same; at bottom, for ex, porn addicts are point-and-click addicts and she is unfortunately not so different, just another flavor.

These counselors will say you must stop enabling her. She must not have Internet access or a smartphone if she is serious about stopping her compulsion to make online friends with strange men.

It is fine to work toward reconciliation, that's your choice, but you can't nice her or love her (unless you use tough love) out of this powerfully escapist behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Dale said:


> Anonymouskitty: thanks again for the additional links. I'll read them and try to learn from them. It's scary to think that what might have been making me feel so bad was my devotion, dedication, and hope... but if I let those go I'll have to do it entirely on my side of the relationship. One of the factors that caused my wife to start cheating to begin with was a fear of abandonment, so if I tell her I'm ready to walk away, I'll trigger another episode. I'm sure of it.


Ever heard of the expression"hair of the dog that bit you"? ever cured a hangover with more alcohol?

Listen OP, I feel your pain, I'm a BS too. What you'll have to realize is that the longer you wallow in your misery the longer it is for you to actually get the situation back in control

Just read this entire thread in a neutral perspective again and you'll find that much of the advice being given, though they may seem counter-intuitive when you think about your own situation and analyze the effects from a personal angle, are in fact the right ways to go about your situation.

I know you don't want to lose your wife, Dale, who wants to?
But getting yourself into a detached mindset of "If this ends, I'll grieve for a while, but I'll move on" will actually help you move on if and when you need to.

You need to re-attract your wife back into this relationship, and showing your dedication and commitment will only cheapen you in her eyes further. Remember, if she loses respect, she's more likely to cheat.

But to do that you need to do the 180, not for her, but for yourself. You need to heal from this and for that you need to make conditions that will help you in your healing.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Her childhood sexual abuse might have caused her to act this way.

Your acceptance has caused her to continue to do so.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm an abuse survivor as a child also. Not once would I ever cheat on my spouse. Honestly, it's an excuse she has used and you bought it.

She's a serial cheater and will not quit. I would of left after the very first incident. My ex h is a serial cheater. I left him, one of the women he was having an affair with moved in 3 days after I left. They married and now he's had several affairs on her. Duh.

Good luck.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

iheartlife: you are 100% right about her need for validation and compulsiveness.

i feel like i'm learning a lot about being an enabler in this situation, so thanks. the links i've been given will surely help me in the long run. 

but does anyone have anything that can help me today? i'm supposed to go to a big Canada Day party with her in a couple of hours and i need that quick fix. a mantra i can repeat, a strategy i can use, ANYTHING to just bring me out of this funk for a few hours.

possibly unrealistic, but it's worth a shot!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop enabling her, man. Tough love, as with any other addict. Detach, lay the law. Now. Cut internet altogether. Period. She can go if she doesn't like it.
Talk to a lawyer. Know your rights. Get your doks in a row. Start a hard 180. She knows you won't leave.

Read here:
Recovery Nation


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

anyonymouskitty: you're pretty good at giving me some "tough love" style advice. i will take what you say seriously. the only time in the last few months when i felt okay was when i felt that "who cares" type of inner detatchment... but it wasn't easy to maintain for more than a day. as soon as i saw her again my resolve broke. at least now i know i was on the right track there...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have yourself checked for STDs. Regularly. And make certain that you do NOT have unprotected sex with her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

For starters, when you go to the party, leave the phone behind.

Mantra:
You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it

Essentially, she believes she is unloveable. This is not something one person (you) can fix. You love her to pieces already--but that isn't enough. SHE MUST LEARN TO LOVE HERSELF.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

iheartlife: i identified with a lot of what you said in your post. i never made the connection between her situation and porn addiction before but it made a lot of sense. i'd like to hear more from you if you're willing to share more of your insights.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

iheartlife: another great post, thanks. you're 100% right again that she feels she is unloveable.

(you don't know her, do you? it's uncanny how well you seem to)


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just a little research into porn addiction will show you it's just a form of Internet addiction (point and click dopamine reward cycle). 

I'm probably also an Internet addict and this forum is my current addiction.

The issue is how does this stuff impact your life?

I am not an Internet or porn addiction therapist but they do exist in most metro areas. The best thing about them is they have a LOT of understanding about infidelity--for obvious reasons. This situation you are in is nothing new to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Dale said:


> iheartlife: another great post, thanks. you're 100% right again that she feels she is unloveable.
> 
> (you don't know her, do you? it's uncanny how well you seem to)


I listened to Dr Laura dissect a male FB cheater on her show the other day, she zeroed right in on the unloveable stuff. Her abuse is obviously a big factor but not the only piece of the puzzle.

Another thing about the unloveability angle is that because they think they don't deserve you, they test you until you finally prove them right and leave.

Just keep in mind your own mental and emotional health, no one else saved you from drugs, you cannot save her either!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

iheartlife: thanks again, you've given me something to read up on i wouldn't have thought of otherwise. our financial situation might prohibit seeing an internet/porn addiction therapist, but i definitely will look into it.

also, 100& right again about the "reward cycle" - she's described this to me in her own words before


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Does your wife, in general, have an addictive personality? There are plenty of dangers there too, and there is no medication out there for an Addictive Personality Disorder. The only treatment is therapy, invasive therapy.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

and you're right again about testing until i prove her right and leave. this is also something that has come out of our confrontations in the past. and part of the reason why i'm so scared of just walking away, or being willing to. or is that the rock bottom that she needs to reach before she will finally stop?

i know i can't "save" her. i'm trying to get by while she saves herself...


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

encoreDT: yes, she has a very addictive personality in general


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Dale said:


> encoreDT: yes, she has a very addictive personality in general


Have you asked her if she is willing to go to therapy?


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

Dale if you read my thread you will see that my wife also started by browsing online and just reading. It quickly turned into daily emails with a fantasy life rewarded with her feeling appreciated and wanted by other men. She started sending nude photos etc etc.. and eventually met some men and had physical affairs. As I have delved more and more into what actually happened and she opens up about her motivation and how she was feeling. It was completely a reward cycle that she was on. She found it exciting to email these men and them telling her how beautiful and that they wanted her etc. She then met one and had sex felt like crap about it and then the cycle would start over again She did this for over a year and cheated on me many many times with more men than she can count (online, only three in person). 

Here is my suggestion to you from someone that can truly understand what you are going through and wants to help you stay married (like I am truly trying to remain) You need to have her delete any anonymous email accounts. You need to get a keylogger and check it daily. You need to make sure that she is unable to connect with these men because the cycle will never end until you force it to. She will not have the willpower without your help and understanding. 

After many hours of discussion between me and my wife she has volunteered to remove her facebook and her email accounts. I know all her passwords etc.. you need to help her as I have been trying to help my wife and if she truly wants to be helped you can salvage your marriage. There is a post on my story telling about what to expect from a betrayed spouse, perhaps have her read it.. my wife has read it three times and she says that it helps her to understand what she has done to me and makes her WANT to make it up to me and help me heal. 

Sorry about the big block of words


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Dale said:


> and you're right again about testing until i prove her right and leave. this is also something that has come out of our confrontations in the past. and part of the reason why i'm so scared of just walking away, or being willing to. or is that the rock bottom that she needs to reach before she will finally stop?


I would try to get specific advice on this from an expert if you can.

The classic advice in your situation is to file for divorce. Threats don't work. Divorce can be easily stalled or withdrawn but cheaters don't think about that. In some cases it provides a shock to the system.

But before going that route (esp w/o a counselor's advice) what would happen if she lost her phone and computer privileges? Literally walk us through that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

encoreDT: she's in therapy now, but the progress is slow

forlorn99: i really appreciate your post and i think we've felt a lot of the same pain. but i'm not sure if having that kind of total control and supervision over her online activity is really going to help. she's incredible clever and resourceful, and all i think it would do is slow her down. plus, it would make me obsessed with checking up on her every day, just waiting for the shoe to drop. i'd be setting myself up for more heartbreak when/if i did find something out.


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## Dale (Jul 1, 2012)

iheartlife: to walk you through what i think would happen (based on past experience):

she would freak out, get angry, and accuse me of being controlling.
she would compare me unfavourably to her parents, who were both strict disciplinarians.
she would feel terrible about herself, and in her self-hatred, she would start to strategize how she could self-harm.
she would self-harm by whatever means possible. if the internet/phone wasn't a possibility, she'd find some other way to do it.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

Dale said:


> encoreDT: she's in therapy now, but the progress is slow
> 
> forlorn99: i really appreciate your post and i think we've felt a lot of the same pain. but i'm not sure if having that kind of total control and supervision over her online activity is really going to help. she's incredible clever and resourceful, and all i think it would do is slow her down. plus, it would make me obsessed with checking up on her every day, just waiting for the shoe to drop. i'd be setting myself up for more heartbreak when/if i did find something out.


I completely understand what you mean about the daily checking.. I am down to less than once a week now. The most important thing is to make your wife understand what she is doing to you and make her understand that she has to WANT to stop and change. You can't make her do it she has to want it too. I understand completely when you say that divorce isn't an option. I love my wife with all my heart and always have (aside from a brief point when I wanted a divorce many years ago). It is hard, sometimes when we are having sex the image of her doing this with a stranger pops in my head etc.. Sometimes little silly things set me off and she understands that. I hope that you two are able to correct the problem and work towards a better life for you both. If you want to talk more about it feel free to message me and perhaps I can ask my wife questions that might help you motivate your wife.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Her childhood sexual abuse might have caused her to act this way.
> 
> Your acceptance has caused her to continue to do so.


 :iagree: Exactly what I was going to say.

She continues to behave this way because there are no consequences for her actions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dale said:


> arbitrator: i really doubt it. as I said, i snooped in her electronic devices and i've read her exchanges. she's not looking to create a permanent outside relationship to replace ours. she's addicted to online sex and fake "boyfriend" experiences with anyonmous men. she trades them up every few weeks, it seems, and doesn't hestitate to dump them without a goodbye and find a new one. she's addicted to promiscuity. a permanent outside relationship would exclude the possibility of that for her.



Dale: I love and feel for you, brother! But I've got a rather tough question for you, and I'm not intentionally picking on you or trying to embarrass or belittle you:

Exactly how does what she's doing, with all of her online activities of promiscuity, work positively for you?


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