# SO Punishes Kids Too Harshly IMO



## BuddyL33

My family is made up of my GF, her son (13), her daughter(7), and my son(6).

We've lived together for 5 months now and I'm really not liking what I am seeing when it comes to her dishing out punishments. I feel like what she dishes out doesn't fit the crime. It's starting to wear on us and causing relationship issues (She's threatened more than once to stop parenting my child as a result of frustration). I know that if it becomes I parent my kid and she parents hers, then we might as well call it quits because I don't see a relationship sustaining itself like that.

This morning my son got grounded for an entire week. The grounding includes no playing with friends, no riding his bicycle, no playing on any electronic devices of any kind. His crime was he was super whiny this morning, he was teasing the dog with a Nerf gun, and was licking a window in the house making it all dirty. 

She's had several rough mornings with him where he's whiny or doesn't follow directions. She's grounded him in the past for these things for a single day from electronics, or last night he got sent to bed early and without TV because of how he acted that morning. 

Am I over-reacting thinking grounding a 6 year old kid from basically EVERYTHING for an entire week seems excessive? She doesn't think so citing that it's obvious 1 day isn't good enough. 

I talked to her this morning telling her I wished she would talk to me before laying out that severe of a punishment to any of the kids. She just got even more pissed and once again made threats to stop parenting and reminding me of what that would do to our relationship. 

Feeling lost.


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## EnjoliWoman

Is her punishment with her kids also excessive?

At that age a time-out for 6 minutes is appropriate. He doesn't have the ABILITY to think about consequences for that long and he doesn't have the foresight to anticipate WHY something is a punishable offense.

Appropriate punishment aside from time out would be to make him clean two windows. Then he will see that keeping them clean takes effort and he 'undid' her effort. Then be spoken to about empathy - how the dog felt. How would he feel if he were being teased. Then he should have the nerf gun removed and not be allowed to play with it until he can use it as it was intended. And perhaps have to walk the dog every afternoon that week. (Plus he will bond and learn responsibility.)Punishment is meant as a TEACHING tool that children will LEARN from. He has learned nothing from being grounded, really.

As to whiny - kids are. At 6 they are still learning how to label their feelings and cope with them. The best way to learn to cope is by example and talking it out. Helping kids cope properly with emotions is learning what that feeling is (annoyance? dread?), why they are feeling that way (a spelling quiz? a bully at school? tired?) and what action(s) will help resolve that feeling (a quick review, a talk with the teacher, going to bed 30 minutes earlier or doing something pleasant first thing).

She's missing the boat entirely.

ETA is she feeling overwhelmed being a step parent? Do you think family counseling would help?


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## EnjoliWoman

And bicycle is the last thing to ground from. He needs to expend energy. Plus it gets him out of her hair.


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## Pluto2

Sounds like she's got some control issues.

Having a "joint discussion before punishment rule" seems pretty reasonable, provided it applies to everyone.

Why do you think your S6 is acting up around her?

And IMO, a six year old isn't really capable of understanding a week-long grounding. And what are her plans for him the next time he acts up? Ground him for a month! She isn't thinking this through.


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## BuddyL33

EnjoliWoman said:


> Is her punishment with her kids also excessive?
> 
> At that age a time-out for 6 minutes is appropriate. He doesn't have the ABILITY to think about consequences for that long and he doesn't have the foresight to anticipate WHY something is a punishable offense.
> 
> Appropriate punishment aside from time out would be to make him clean two windows. Then he will see that keeping them clean takes effort and he 'undid' her effort. Then be spoken to about empathy - how the dog felt. How would he feel if he were being teased. Then he should have the nerf gun removed and not be allowed to play with it until he can use it as it was intended. And perhaps have to walk the dog every afternoon that week. (Plus he will bond and learn responsibility.)Punishment is meant as a TEACHING tool that children will LEARN from. He has learned nothing from being grounded, really.
> 
> As to whiny - kids are. At 6 they are still learning how to label their feelings and cope with them. The best way to learn to cope is by example and talking it out. Helping kids cope properly with emotions is learning what that feeling is (annoyance? dread?), why they are feeling that way (a spelling quiz? a bully at school? tired?) and what action(s) will help resolve that feeling (a quick review, a talk with the teacher, going to bed 30 minutes earlier or doing something pleasant first thing).
> 
> She's missing the boat entirely.
> 
> ETA is she feeling overwhelmed being a step parent? Do you think family counseling would help?


I brought up counseling as I think it might be necessary to get over this hurdle. I know she's overwhelmed now. She's been out of work, her father is at home dying on hospice care and took a really bad turn for the worse yesterday. I am concerned and feel like she's punishing out of anger to make them fear being punished. I've explained as a step parent she's going to ruin her relationship with him. She says it won't and that he will love her anyways.

I've never seen her punish her kids for that duration and I've brought that up to her. She says it's because her kids to continually act up doing the same thing over and over, where my son does. She cites that her kids feel like my son gets away with things that her kids don't. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> And bicycle is the last thing to ground from. He needs to expend energy. Plus it gets him out of her hair.


She says his entertainment, and kids in general, aren't her responsibility. He loves riding his bike and goes and does it any time he gets grounded. So she feels that he isn't really feeling the full effect of the punishment because he has something else fun to do.



Pluto2 said:


> Sounds like she's got some control issues.
> 
> Having a "joint discussion before punishment rule" seems pretty reasonable, provided it applies to everyone.
> 
> Why do you think your S6 is acting up around her?
> 
> And IMO, a six year old isn't really capable of understanding a week-long grounding. And what are her plans for him the next time he acts up? Ground him for a month! She isn't thinking this through.


I feel the same way. The punishment is going to lose it's effect here in a few days.


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## BuddyL33

Pluto2 said:


> Sounds like she's got some control issues.
> 
> Having a "joint discussion before punishment rule" seems pretty reasonable, provided it applies to everyone.
> 
> Why do you think your S6 is acting up around her?
> 
> And IMO, a six year old isn't really capable of understanding a week-long grounding. And what are her plans for him the next time he acts up? Ground him for a month! She isn't thinking this through.


I asked the same thing and she indicated she would have no problem grounding him for a month if need be.


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## NobodySpecial

Time for the two of you to take a journey toward effectiveness

Parenting On Track | Vicki Hoefle


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## Pluto2

BuddyL33 said:


> I asked the same thing and she indicated she would have no problem grounding him for a month if need be.


That's ridiculous.

Can you suggest a different approach altogether, since repeated groundings have become meaningless?

Have you tried positive discipline? Tell S6 that if he behaves with no whining in the morning, he will get some reward-whatever you two thing appropriate. This encourages the behavior you want.
If he licks the window, he must clean he.


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## brooklynAnn

Way over reacting.

Does she dish out the same amount to her kids?

He is only six years, he cant understand all of that. Is the mornings very stressful for her. When my kids were younger, mornings were super stressful. Trying to get everyone out the door and to be on time. 

What do you do in the mornings? Do you help?

Also, she needs to learn how to parent differently. Handing out too much punishment defeats the purpose after a while. Just a simple, "son, you are licking up all the window cleaner, its going to kill you if you keep doing it". 

She needs to learn that you have to just let somethings go. Kids will learn when they do somethings and experience a negative reaction on their own. 

Observe how she parents her kids vs your's and then, have a talk. 

This is the main reason why I would never get involved with someone, if I am divorced with young kids. I hate it when my husband yells at my son. I am ready to kill him. So, when I notice his is picking up speed in his talking to our son, I gently tuck his sleeve and let him to relax and step away. He is the same way. When, one of us gets angry, the other stays calm to watch out for the kids. This keeps us from over reacting.


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## NobodySpecial

Buddy, if this continues, you are going to have an uncooperative, rebellious tween on your hands. Ratcheting up punishment may look like it "works". But there are better ways. What we do as parents and steps have a LOT to do with our kids' behavior, despite what the interwebs will try to tell you. Kids are not born jerks. As the educator I link to says, they don't grow OUT of things, they grow INTO. We CAN help them grow into responsible, reliable people with self control. If we learn how.


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## Pluto2

NobodySpecial said:


> Kids are not born jerks.


So true.


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## EleGirl

BuddyL33 said:


> I feel the same way. The punishment is going to lose it's effect here in a few days.


Most 6 years olds have very little concept of time. To them 1 weeks is the same as infinity. 

It's not going to teach him anything good. If you take everything away from a child, they have nothing to lose. So their behavior escalates. What else can she do to punish him next him? There's nothing left to take away. (That "what else" question is important as this is when an adult can spin out of control in punishing a child.)

And since she took away all the things that help him wear off his energy, he's going to become even more annoying with all that pent up energy.


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## EleGirl

BuddyL33,

Where were you while your son was teasing the dog and licking windows?


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## NobodySpecial

If my 6yo was licking the window, all I would do it hand him the paper towels and windex.


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## BuddyL33

EleGirl said:


> BuddyL33,
> 
> Where were you while your son was teasing the dog and licking windows?


I was at work. I had to be in early so I could get off early to be here when the kids get out of school as my GF has to head out of town tis afternoon to take care of her father at home.


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## Pluto2

I'm really sorry about your GF's father. I cared for ailing parents and in-laws so I understand the strain it can put someone under. Do you think she would consider the possibility that the stress of unemployment and dealing with her father might have made her over-react?
Could you suggest that the one week grounding be removed=due to extenuating circumstances and get her to re-evaluate how the two of you handle future discipline?


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## snerg

BuddyL33 said:


> I know she's overwhelmed now. She's been out of work, her father is at home dying on hospice care and took a really bad turn for the worse yesterday.


She's beyond stressed out.

Her dad is about to die.

She's lashing out and may not even truly realize how she is.

Step up and help her. Talk to her about a compromise - she and you will decide punishment. Don't say I wish you would - you talk to her like an adult and not some wishy washy guy pawning off his kid on her.

She might also be overwhelmed with your kid - do you help? Why is she doing all the parenting? Where are you in this equation? If your kid is acting out and poking the hornets nest with her to get a reaction (cause all 6 year olds do this for boundary testing), why are you not stepping in to rein him in or letting her know that you can see he's stressing her out and you'll take care of him? 

Her reaction is a bit strong (I'm not condoning it), but you are a partner in this and you need to step up. When she is talking about punishing for a month, at some point you have to realize she is beyond stressed and you need to step in.


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## frusdil

I've been through this myself, when my dad died. I'm step mum to a gorgeous 11 year old girl. I didn't take my heartbreak and stress out on her. She was 7 at the time.

Does your sons mother know about this? I know that if I disciplined my SD like your gf does, her mother would have huge issues with it. My husband would too if his ex's bf did this.

Removing all entertainment for a 6 year old for a week, is beyond ridiculous...wtf is she thinking?


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## Anon Pink

Lazy people parent their kids the same way they themselves were parented with out stopping to consider that there might be more effective and "age appropriate" ways to manage behavior.

Get this book and read it with your GF.
Active Parenting for Stepfamilies: Michael H. Popkin, Elizabeth Einstein: 9781597232012: Amazon.com: Books

In that Amazon page you will also see the "frequently bought together" bundle of 3 books. One for stepfamilies, one for teens, and one general active parenting book. I strongly urge you to get all 3 since your GF has a great deal to learn about parenting skills.

I've literally read dozens and dozens of child behavior and development books and texts. The active parenting series is the best of the best because it teaches parents to teach their kids the sense in behaving a certain way. And really. That's what true discipline is for, to teach the sense of behaving a certain way. When a parent teaches this, the child grows up to have SELF DISCIPLINE which is waaaay more important than any other character trait. 


All parenting could be geared toward creating a healthy, productive, caring adult. Angry people are not caring. Sneaky lazy people are not productive. Self indulgent people are not healthy.

Your GF is not parenting in an age appropriate way, this has already been established. If she is not perfectly willing to upgrade her skills by going through these books WITH YOU, than this is not a woman you want parenting your son.


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## Holland

I would take her up on the offer for her to stop parenting your son. You are falling into the biggest trap of blended families which is child related issues, this has a very high chance of breaking up your relationship.

Is your sons bio mother in his life? How old was your son when you and the GF moved in together?

Standard professional advice we received before blending our families (5 kids between us):
Each parent disciplines their own children and refers bad behaviour to the bio parent. 
Step parents are bonus adults and do not replace a bio parent.
Both partners need to be on the same page as to what the house rules are and then keep their own kids within these boundaries.

Step parents that are over bearing early on run a big risk of alienating the step child which will be a long, painful train wreck that can break relationships.
Step parents that present themselves as a bonus adult, someone the step child can rely on sets up a positive future relationship with the child and their partner.

Have you two sought professional help on this or looked at any online resources? Step parenting is a different world to parenting your own kids, getting support might help you salvage this train wreck in the making.

Good luck, sounds like you will need it.


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## Bobby5000

She sounds like a horrible woman with a control problem. She's taking out on your little boy all the problems insecurities, and issues she experienced. As a general rule, in step-families, the natural parent should be the primary disciplinarian. I'd show Cruella the door and tell her she watched one too many Cinderella movie.


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## Bobby5000

Its real issue in second marriages. You're willing to tolerate a lot of things but your girlfriend/boyfriend MUST GENUINELY LIKEIF NOT LOE YOUR CHILD. If you don't have that, and someone who says fine, I won't discipline your child probably does not, should be shown the door.


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## D1C

It's a GF so you aren't married.. Where is HIS mom? 

If his mom's BF was doing the same thing would you stand for it? The punishment should be YOUR responsibility, not hers. 

No way I'd have a Girlfriend parenting my kid. Step up


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## Bobby5000

The girlfriend might be overwhelmed and if she is sad or depressed, one could be sympathetic but no matter what is happening, that is not justification to take it out on the child.


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## Pluto2

@BuddyL33, how's it going?


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## Another Planet

Hmmm complicated scenario for sure. I personally would take over the reins, she is probably stressed out to the max with her father so cut her some slack.

I consider myself a pretty strict parent, at 6 you should have a grasp of manners and personal upkeep ie brushing teeth, hair etc. I don't expect miracles but no farting at the dinner table type stuff. They also start learning personal responsibility like making sure they have a jacket, shoes on, and backpack ready for school in the morning. 
Make positive things positive and negative things negative, don't be afraid to explain why something is the way it is...you missed the bus because you decided you wanted to change your socks seven times...but they have to like riding the bus also...
I also believe in structure, IMO it is a basic necessity for running a productive household. Such as for us first thing home from school you wash hands, then get afterschool snack, then you do your homework...in that order never anything different. After that for the most part whatever floats your boat. 

Long duration punishments involving taking away things they enjoy I don't believe in even with my almost 11yr old. Take his bike away for a week?! WTFunk is he going to do then?
Punishment has got to fit the crime. Torment dog with nerf gun?! Then get nerf gun taken away. Lick the windows?...by the way this should probably stop just cause :/...wins a free chore of washing windows.


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## hotshotdot

Holland said:


> I would take her up on the offer for her to stop parenting your son. You are falling into the biggest trap of blended families which is child related issues, this has a very high chance of breaking up your relationship.
> 
> Is your sons bio mother in his life? How old was your son when you and the GF moved in together?
> 
> Standard professional advice we received before blending our families (5 kids between us):
> Each parent disciplines their own children and refers bad behaviour to the bio parent.
> Step parents are bonus adults and do not replace a bio parent.
> Both partners need to be on the same page as to what the house rules are and then keep their own kids within these boundaries.
> 
> Step parents that are over bearing early on run a big risk of alienating the step child which will be a long, painful train wreck that can break relationships.
> Step parents that present themselves as a bonus adult, someone the step child can rely on sets up a positive future relationship with the child and their partner.
> 
> Have you two sought professional help on this or looked at any online resources? Step parenting is a different world to parenting your own kids, getting support might help you salvage this train wreck in the making.
> 
> Good luck, sounds like you will need it.


^^^ THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE. 
Yes she is not disciplining appropriately. Look into some parenting books or classes in your area. Then set some house rules together. But really, she should not be the one disciplining your child, you should. If you're not careful there could be growing resentment from both your GF & your child.


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## jb02157

If she threatens to stop parenting your kids, I think there's a slippery slope to the relationship being in seriuos trouble. There's family counseling sure, but I'm not sure this gets to the root cause here. You will have to make a decision whether her judgement and decisions are what you want to build a relationship from.


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## sh987

EleGirl said:


> Most 6 years olds have very little concept of time. To them 1 weeks is the same as infinity.
> 
> It's not going to teach him anything good. If you take everything away from a child, they have nothing to lose. So their behavior escalates. What else can she do to punish him next him? There's nothing left to take away. (That "what else" question is important as this is when an adult can spin out of control in punishing a child.)
> 
> And since she took away all the things that help him wear off his energy, he's going to become even more annoying with all that pent up energy.


Yup. "When you've got nothing, you've got nothin' to lose."


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## sh987

When our son was younger, my wife sometimes had a tendency to be what I thought was a bit over the top with consequences. Things got better one morning, when he was four, he woke up before us, and took a bottle of syrup to his room, and drank some, with the expected messy results. She told him "That's it! You're not leaving this room for the rest of the day other than bathroom or meals!", and then paused. "And no TV for 3 days!" Another pause. "And no toys for the rest of the day!"

So, I kind of jumped in with a bit of a laugh and said "OK, let's get him cleaned up and then we can clean this up", just so I could get a chance to talk to her alone, lest she pile on another punishment. I'm generally not a fan of giving multiple punishments for a single infraction, and am also a believer in there being (if possible) a straight and predictable consequence which is tied to the action, and said that to her. In this case: you nicked some syrup? You've already had more than your share of sweets, and the consequence would be to see others enjoying their dessert with you missing out. She just stopped and said "You're right. My mother just piled things on me, and I sometimes do it without even thinking."


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## Bobby5000

You can cut her some slack about how she treats you but she must treat your son with kindness, respect, and love. That one's nonnegotiable.


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## SurpriseMyself

If this were my boyfriend, I would drop him in an instant. She is going through a lot, yes, but she is the adult and she's taking out her frustrations on a six year old who, frankly, is just being a kid. She has no self control and no parenting skills. Grounding for a week for a 6 year old!? Six year olds live in the here and now. He won't learn this way - he will only learn to hate her and maybe hate you, too, for not standing up to her. Forget about her relationship with him - I think it's your relationship with him you need to be concerned about.

He needs to learn self regulation. He sure won't learn it this way. He needs someone to guide him, to teach him, not just lock him away for a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaffronPower

She's an adult, taking out her life frustration on a child. 

You are your child's advocate. You know the punishment does not fit the crime for a SIX year old. What are you waiting for? 

Tell her you feel bad her father is dying but she is wrong and you need to work out another arrangement for handing out punishments.


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