# Wife Cheated, and doesn't want me to tell anybody



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

So my wife cheated on me, and I underhandly broke up the affair which she still doesn't know about. I tried to get her to come back to me, but it's not happening, I'm afraid it's a done deal. The marriage is over, and she is in the process of moving out and we will file for divorce probably within the next 30 days.

However my question to the site members, is she is insisting that I not tell our mutual friends that she cheated on me, really she didn't want me to tell anyone at all, including my family. But I have told my family, and a couple of friends...what do you guys think?

On one hand it really doesn't matter, and I should move forward and work on myself. But on the other I kind of want my very close friends to know, and understand what I've been dealing with. Also protecting her repulation is not first on my list at the moment. I wouldn't tell just anybody, but I'm asking about my close friends that I've known for years (that she is also very friendly with)...just wanted to hear what you guys think.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm sure she doesn't want you to tell anyone. That choice is up to you, but I would tell anyone that I felt like telling and I bet that would be about anyone that wanted to listen


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you should tell enough of your friends to build a support group. Your first priority should be you and your mental stability, not her.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

The marriage is over. There is no possibility of R. Is there a reason you would want to protect her? If there is, I would look at your reasoning and what it says about you. Are you trying to be noble? Are you bowing to her? If there is no reason, I agree with dormant.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Justadude said:


> So my wife cheated on me, and I underhandly broke up the affair which she still doesn't know about. I tried to get her to come back to me, but it's not happening, I'm afraid it's a done deal. The marriage is over, and she is in the process of moving out and we will file for divorce probably within the next 30 days.
> 
> However my question to the site members, is she is insisting that I not tell our mutual friends that she cheated on me, really she didn't want me to tell anyone at all, including my family. But I have told my family, and a couple of friends...what do you guys think?
> 
> On one hand it really doesn't matter, and I should move forward and work on myself. But on the other I kind of want my very close friends to know, and understand what I've been dealing with. Also protecting her repulation is not first on my list at the moment. I wouldn't tell just anybody, but I'm asking about my close friends that I've known for years (that she is also very friendly with)...just wanted to hear what you guys think.


You did not break up the affair. 

You just pushed it further underground, where she wants to keep it.

She is leaving to continue her relationship with posOM.

Expose her to family and friends.

Cut off any way in which you support her financially. Take what is yours from any joint accounts.

Serve her divorce papers.

Then go dark.

This is the only way to move forward with dignity and self respect.


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## tears (Jul 31, 2012)

I think you should have this thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity section, there are a lot of people there who can help you deal with your own emotions and the impending divorce.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I would tell everyone because I would be concerned about how she may be spinning things as she talks to people (he hit me, had an affair, etc)

I also agree with Spun that it may just have gone underground


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Inform friends, family, co-workers, and all associates.

If you do not, you are her silent partner.

You should also inform posOMW - if he has a significant other.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Yeah, you guys may be right on it going underground. Who knows...but we are filing for Uncontested, and I have pretty good terms. So my thinking is to lay low, and once the divorce is finalized then I can do what I want.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

jdlash said:


> I'm sure she doesn't want you to tell anyone. That choice is up to you, but I would tell anyone that I felt like telling and I bet that would be about anyone that wanted to listen


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd tell anyone who asks and of course close friends. 

Of course she doesn't want anyone to know,but you are telling the truth and not lies go ahead and tell the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She also might be protecting the guy she cheated with, or hoping to she him off as her new bf ..

Exposé wide a far the truth.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

I can think of a few reasons she doesn't want you to tell:

1) She and OM are still in affair 
2) After divorce -- she will say she just met him and started dating
3) She can rewrite your marriage history and blame you for the divorce
4) She wants everyone to think D is all your fault


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I can tell you the real reason...she is obessed with the way others view her. She was raised with the value syetem, that it's not who you are, it's what people think you are, thats important. She wants to save face, and not appear to be an immoral woman, and she wants to chalk it up to personal differences. 

She goes to church so that other people notice her (checks in on FB)and think she is a good person, but she never seems to "get" the messages. She changes clothes 3 times each morning...she stares at herself in the mirror all the time, and points out her faults. She has had lipo, and wants a boob job badly...I'm almost certain that's what her half of the house will buy her.

So for me to tell others, kind of lets down the curtain, and exposes the wizard.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Justadude said:


> I can tell you the real reason...she is obessed with the way others view her. She was raised with the value syetem, that it's not who you are, it's what people think you are, thats important. She wants to save face, and not appear to be an immoral woman, and she wants to chalk it up to personal differences.
> 
> She goes to church so that other people notice her (checks in on FB)and think she is a good person, but she never seems to "get" the messages. She changes clothes 3 times each morning...she stares at herself in the mirror all the time, and points out her faults. She has had lipo, and wants a boob job badly...I'm almost certain that's what her half of the house will buy her.
> 
> So for me to tell others, kind of lets down the curtain, and exposes the wizard.




So there's your answer. Once the divorce is final, she will make sure she looks perfect and you look like the evil man that doesn't deserve her.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

If it were me, I wouldn't volunteer unsolicited information. But, if someone were to ask me "Why are you getting divorced?", I would tell them the truth.

I see no reason at all to help protect her image.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

your wife sounds like a real catch - not
good riddance I say and tell anyone who will listen! You need the support system.

...checking into church on FB? Seriously? b!tch gives me the willies already


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jdlash said:


> So there's your answer. Once the divorce is final, she will make sure she looks perfect and you look like the evil man that doesn't deserve her.


All the more reason to expose today


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Justadude said:


> ...she is insisting that I not tell our mutual friends that she cheated on me, really she didn't want me to tell anyone at all, including my family. But I have told my family, and a couple of friends...what do you guys think?


I am sorry to hear of what has happened to you.

That said, in regards to her "insistance":

Hehe hehe /giiggle/ Trying to hold it in.......


BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

That request of hers is so stupid, pathetic, and hilarious at the same time.

I would tell EVERYONE. Start with the pastor, her family, her best friends, and keep going from there. Heck, I would sneak it into the church bulletin. Everyone at her work, everyone she has ever met. Your Facebook page, her facebook page, Cheaterville. I'd pay someone to set up a damned web page.

I would go nuclear on her ass.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You should swear to your mom's life that you won't tell anyone.

Then tell everyone.

When confronted, you should say "I swear to my mom's life I didn't tell anyone"

Then expose more details to even more people.

When confronted again, you should say "Why can't you trust me? I would never lie to you. I swear to my mom's life, I haven't said a word to anyone".

Repeat as many times as you wish.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Justadude said:


> She changes clothes 3 times each morning...she stares at herself in the mirror all the time, and points out her faults. She has had lipo, and wants a boob job badly...I'm almost certain that's what her half of the house will buy her..


This woman needs professional help, and I'm not being sarcastic.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Justadude said:


> I can tell you the real reason...she is obessed with the way others view her. She was raised with the value syetem, that it's not who you are, it's what people think you are, thats important. She wants to save face, and not appear to be an immoral woman, and she wants to chalk it up to personal differences.
> 
> She goes to church so that other people notice her (checks in on FB)and think she is a good person, but she never seems to "get" the messages. She changes clothes 3 times each morning...she stares at herself in the mirror all the time, and points out her faults. She has had lipo, and wants a boob job badly...I'm almost certain that's what her half of the house will buy her.
> 
> So for me to tell others, kind of lets down the curtain, and exposes the wizard.


Om my dear god - We married the same woman.
I feel for you man, Ive been there too.


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

Justadude said:


> So my wife cheated on me, and I underhandly broke up the affair which she still doesn't know about. I tried to get her to come back to me, but it's not happening, I'm afraid it's a done deal. The marriage is over, and she is in the process of moving out and we will file for divorce probably within the next 30 days.
> 
> However my question to the site members, is she is insisting that I not tell our mutual friends that she cheated on me, really she didn't want me to tell anyone at all, including my family. But I have told my family, and a couple of friends...what do you guys think?
> 
> On one hand it really doesn't matter, and I should move forward and work on myself. But on the other I kind of want my very close friends to know, and understand what I've been dealing with. Also protecting her repulation is not first on my list at the moment. I wouldn't tell just anybody, but I'm asking about my close friends that I've known for years (that she is also very friendly with)...just wanted to hear what you guys think.


Okay, this is laughable. Not your question, but her request. She has some nerve. Tell whoever you want, whenever you want, for what ever reason you want. She really has no say. Ridiculous.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose to the friends and her family in a respectful manner.(Had to end the marriage because W brought in a 3rd party into the marriage and is having an inappropriate relationship with him. I will need your support.blah blah blah...) By not exposing you are also enabling her behavior and helping her carry on the lie


And there is a chance that she can see clearly see what she is doing only when she is exposed and gets out of the affair.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Well you guys were right that said it went underground....my wife forwarded me a joke today, and cc'd the OM (as well as others.) And then tried to recall the message when she realized, but too late.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> Well you guys were right that said it went underground....my wife forwarded me a joke today, and cc'd the OM (as well as others.) And then tried to recall the message when she realized, but too late.


Expose the affair - far and wide.

Do it today.

In writing.

In person.

Via email.

Friends, your family, her family, co-workers, acquaintances - even to the people on her joke thread.

AND... make sure you get OMW

(Don't beat yourself up. People really aren't that different. The folks here have - literally - seen it all)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell everyone and have her served!!

WTF?
The nerve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Tell everyone and have her served!!
> 
> WTF?
> The nerve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DAMN... where IS that "bcc" button anyway???!!!!


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Expose the affair - far and wide.
> 
> Do it today.
> 
> ...



The only thing stopping me is that the divorce settlement is very favorable to me. Maybe I can use this as leverage, and get it even further reduced.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> The only thing stopping me is that the divorce settlement is very favorable to me. Maybe I can use this as leverage, and get it even further reduced.


I'm not an attorney.

I would not advise blackmail.

But, there are certain "persuasive props" that are helpful in negotiations.

When do you sign?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Then wait until you're clear of the divorce and tell the damn world
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Justadude said:


> Well you guys were right that said it went underground....my wife forwarded me a joke today, and cc'd the OM (as well as others.) And then tried to recall the message when she realized, but too late.


Been there brother, it sucks. This stuff follows a script. It's scary.

Seriously, you need to man up now.

She has no respect for you.

She thinks you will continue being a nice guy a protect her from the fallout of her affair.

She knows how to play you. Don't let her.

File for divorce, now.

Expose her affair, especially to posOM wife or girlfriend if he has one.

Then don't answer her calls, texts, e-mails nothing.

It's the only way forward, whether you hope to R or not.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You should swear to your mom's life that you won't tell anyone.
> 
> Then tell everyone.
> 
> ...



............this is really just so evil.....
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
I love it..........

maybe in the future she will guard her reputation with honest actions........


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm not an attorney.
> 
> I would not advise blackmail.
> 
> ...


Yeah, the more I thought about that..I realized that it's a type of blackmail...won't be doing that.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> ............this is really just so evil.....
> .
> .
> .
> ...


It is evil and it really happens. When I found out about stbxw's affair, she vowed to break it off. In subsequent conversations, when I asked if she was still communicating with him she said no.

I said swear on our daughter's lives

She said yes. I am no longer talking to him.

I had e-mails proving that was not the case.

I found more evidence of ongoing contact.

Asked if he came to our city to visit.

She said, I told you I swear on our daughter's lives its done. I am not lying to you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> Yeah, the more I thought about that..I realized that it's a type of blackmail...won't be doing that.


Let her have it.

Both barrels.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

My stomach is in knots...I thought I was over all this, and it keeps coming back.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> My stomach is in knots...I thought I was over all this, and it keeps coming back.


Let her have it.

Both barrels.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Let her have it.
> 
> Both barrels.


^This.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jh52 said:


> I can think of a few reasons she doesn't want you to tell:
> 
> 1) She and OM are still in affair
> 2) After divorce -- she will say she just met him and started dating
> ...


Yea that.

Your right that it does not change anything happening to you now but it may change what people think about you later. If she says nasty stuff about you then your retort that she was cheating will sound like sour grapes. 

Sorry about your situation. Divorce is a hard thing to go through. Almost like losing a loved one.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

expose the affair

Simply send out an email to her family and friends and ask them for thier support in the marriage due to the infidelity issues and until your wife stops all contact with her affair partner you will continue with the divorce.

See the key here is to shine a positive light on your attempt to "save" the marriage by asking for "support"...

there is a big difference between "my wifes is cheating and she sucks" versus asking for other to support the attempt to save the marriage.

Get it?


Expose now!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, its time to contact OMW, she needs to know and OM should face the consequences for his behavior....in fact both parties should face the consequences for the adultorous behavior.

They may learn a thing or two about how its not just the two of them but other poeple are involved and what they are doing is not just effecting them but everyone that knows them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I quess if your going to but a dollor amount on all of this then fine move on and let your wife learn nothing from what she has done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I won't be surprised if the exposure doesn't bring her out of the fog and come crawling back with real remorse......it happen and I read about it oten here at this site.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Justadude said:


> Well you guys were right that said it went underground....my wife forwarded me a joke today, and cc'd the OM (as well as others.) And then tried to recall the message when she realized, but too late.


Who was on her cc list ?

She may have outed herself with that email -- unless everyone else on the cc list is supporting her affair.

Maybe you should reply all -- and ask her who is this strange name and email on the joke she sent.

Unbelievable POST.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jh52 said:


> Who was on her cc list ?
> 
> She may have outed herself with that email -- unless everyone else on the cc list is supporting her affair.
> 
> ...


Seriously.... I would bounce back that email with the very message of asking all those people for support in the time of my wife's affair with posOM.

And, then brace for the fireworks.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Ugh....this is tough...I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I will call the OMW, becasue I had made a deal with him, and he broke it, so he deserves the penalty. But I'm just thinking about the timing, she really could screw me in the divorce process, and is being really, really cool about it. So do I go forward with the good deal, and just write off the marriage (she has lots of issues,) or do I blow this up, and take my chances?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> Ugh....this is tough...I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I will call the OMW, becasue I had made a deal with him, and he broke it, so he deserves the penalty. But I'm just thinking about the timing, she really could screw me in the divorce process, and is being really, really cool about it. So do I go forward with the good deal, and just write off the marriage (she has lots of issues,) or do I blow this up, and take my chances?


If you want to feel better, blow it up.

The respect you will get will likely make the divorce easier.

Do the right thing.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Justadude said:


> she really could screw me in the divorce process, and is being really, really cool about it. chances?


She is having an affair and you are worried about her screwing you in the divorce process!?

She is playing it cool because she does not want you to blow this thing up.

My guess is that this is pattern in your relationship, she manipulates you into giving her what she wants.

Blow the damn thing up!


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Ok, spoke to a friend, she recommended I talk to a lawyer, and see how adultery plays in the courts. If its important, hire a PI to get evidence, then once I have that my back pocket I can expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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