# Not sure I can stay if I don't have more kids



## fitnessfrk (Jul 30, 2011)

Brief backstory since I am new on here: My H just got caught cheating on me. He is profoundly sorry and wants to work things out. He, however, does NOT want anymore kids and is adamant about that. We have 1 daughter just turned 2 years old. I am 30 and want more kids. I considered it if I could just be married, have a family just the 3 of us, but I'm not so sure. I told him if I had to wait a few years I could. It isn't about waiting with my H. He just doesn't want anymore period. He is also a workaholic and thrives off work. He loves our daughter and is a good dad and I love being together as a family, but it's just so rare. The past week I have been doing the 180 as best as I can and so far, it seems to be working. He wants to work on this, but he still isn't saying what I want to hear - that he would bend on a baby. I never thought I would really get divorced and be a single mom. I hate the idea of raising my daughter in a broken home because of MY desire to have more children. That seems so selfish. I would love some support or insight or ideas. Thanks!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You need to stabilize the marriage before making any decisions on children. Bringing another child into a marriage will only make your problems worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fitnessfrk (Jul 30, 2011)

I guess what I meant was, even if we fix everything - the kid thing is a BIG deal to me. I am wondering if anyone has gone through this or left because of kids or thought of leaving because they weren't done and their H was. He keeps telling me he won't change on his desire for no more children (with me or anyone else).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you already know where he stands.l

It's interesting to me that you just brushed off his cheating in one sentence and didn'dt say anything else about it. Your biggest concern is having a child with him whereas you barely spoke of his infidelity,. That seems odd to me.

If you are sold on the fact you want more kids with or without him, where he has cheated or not, then leave him. 

Problem resolved.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Forgive me if I come across blunt....
That sounds like the most selfish thing ever. You are debating between a happy little family of three or being a single mom? He's not saying what YOU want to hear? This just seems like its all about you. WHat about what he wants? Maybe he wants to be at a different place in his career in order to feel like he doesn't have to be a workaholic to fulfill his family's needs? And hoping you don't want another kid in order to get past the cheating part.


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## fitnessfrk (Jul 30, 2011)

He's a VP in a company, he can't climb much higher without being CEO, he is happy as a workaholic, I don't force him into it with lifestyle, that's for sure. 

As for what about me - you don't have kids to fix an affair situation, I know that. This started a year ago, I wanted another when my daughter turned 1. That was a year before there was any cheating involved. He put me off for more than a year and when I started asking again, I found out he cheated. He used this as an excuse - that he wants the life he has. 
He just admitted he doesn't get as much joy out of our daughter as I do. He loves her, yes, but he does'nt feel the same joy I do when I see her do fun little things that are new or cute. 
He is not the family man I expected. He doesn't want to be. He loves me and wants this to work, but he wants me to give up the dream of a larger family. That is a dream I had that we agreed on before we married. HE changed HIS mind. I am not selfish for wanting something that he promised when we married. And for a fact - this marriage is not exactly a happy one. This is not the only factor that makes me think of leaving. Workaholics are hard to live with - they put work before everything. I set that aside (not selfish) and have shouldered a majority of the parenting and am still willing to with another. He just isn't willing to be a father to another. I either have to find a way to live with that reality or be a single mom. That really sucks.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> Forgive me if I come across blunt....
> That sounds like the most selfish thing ever. You are debating between a happy little family of three or being a single mom? He's not saying what YOU want to hear? This just seems like its all about you. WHat about what he wants? Maybe he wants to be at a different place in his career in order to feel like he doesn't have to be a workaholic to fulfill his family's needs? And hoping you don't want another kid in order to get past the cheating part.


I agree 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

No offense, but he also promised to love, honor and cherish you, forsaking all others and look where that got you.

If he doesn't want anymore kids, he doesn't want anymore kids. The absolute last thing he should do is give in because it's what you want. A child isn't like a family pet, where one of you promises to feed and water it, and take it for walks.

You'll have to evaluate what you want more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

Perhaps he is a workoholic because work provides him with a plausible reason / excuse to delay coming home in the evening to be with you..............and besides, I suspect you are all to willing to enjoy the large amount money brought into the home by virture of his unfortunate diagnosis of "workoholism".............


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

I am so sorry for the uncompassionate responses you've received so far. 

I can understand what you're saying... It must be really difficult to be in your position even without the baby issue. But add that to the mix and... well, if it was me I'd be thinking "why should I soldier on in a less than satisfying marriage (with someone who cheated no less) when he's not even willing to compromise on what I want?" Does that sum it up? Especially if he told you no more kids _after_ the cheating. What did you agree on before marriage as far as family size?

If he's changed his mind on that since cheating, I don't think you're compelled to stay. What kind of guy can't even be bothered with the one he's got, then cheats, then expects his wife to be happy with that? No way


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

People change, it's a fact of life. When he agreed to a larger family prior to marriage, he likely didn't know what was involved with being a dad. Most single guys don't, but most make the transition ok, I think.

Unfortunately, you both have to deal with it. Whether it's fair or not, it sounds like he might possibly be being honest with you. Or it might be his attempt to get you to leave him, so he doesn't look like the bad guy in the marriage. Hard to tell... People have exit affairs for the same reason. In any case, I guess you need to spend some time thinking about what your relationship needs are, and if he's the guy to provide them for you. If not, it's time to move on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fitnessfrk (Jul 30, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I am so sorry for the uncompassionate responses you've received so far.
> 
> I can understand what you're saying... It must be really difficult to be in your position even without the baby issue. But add that to the mix and... well, if it was me I'd be thinking "why should I soldier on in a less than satisfying marriage (with someone who cheated no less) when he's not even willing to compromise on what I want?" Does that sum it up? Especially if he told you no more kids _after_ the cheating. What did you agree on before marriage as far as family size?
> 
> If he's changed his mind on that since cheating, I don't think you're compelled to stay. What kind of guy can't even be bothered with the one he's got, then cheats, then expects his wife to be happy with that? No way


Yes, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Everyone else that has posted such clearly mean posts can seriously just butt out. He agreed on 2 before marriage. He has a "son" (non-biological) that he raised from 1 yr old on that is now 20 years old and living in another country. He knew what he was getting into when he had a baby with me. I work too, so I don't need to hear that I just want to spend his money. Wow some people are just out to be antagonists and attack on here. Not sure I even want to participate anymore. 

He has no relationship with that son anymore due to his son's choice. My H feels he is too old (he's 38 and I'm 30) to have anymore kids and still have any freedom when he is a bit older. I think life isn't all about you (how selfish is that?) and I would love to see my daughter have a sibling. Everyone that knows my H is shocked that he doesn't want more kids. He is so good with our daughter and appears like he is happy. He says he is still in love and I'm not sure I am "in" love after all of this. It feels like a huge sacrifice on my part.


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## Undercurrent (Aug 3, 2011)

I want you to know that I am currently experiencing the same emotions. Prior to our marriage, my husband and I discussed our family structure and were in agreement. We have two daughters now, and for a multitude of reasons (please trust me on this), I would like a son. Again, I will not waste space on detailing these reasonings, but they are there and my husband was and is very aware; at one point he was in total agreement. He now feels he absolutely does not want anymore children. 

To DelinquentGurl: Your quote "A child isn't like a family pet, where one of you promises to feed and water it, and take it for walks."
This is unfounded, please recognize that there are likely much deeper reasons for this or that a commitment, just like many in a marriage has been revoked. A marriage is to your husband, yes... but your family is your entirety of this world. I find no selfishness if there are valid reasons for wanting to make this happen. 

For me, there are many other issues plaguing our relationship, so the strain is much greater. Questions I advise you to ask yourself:
Are there many other differences in your relationship?
Growing apart?
Have different long-term goals, etc. You mentioned he was older, so he may be at a separate point in his life. People, you only live ONCE... if you are not ready to move into HIS phase of life, than do YOU... and your family.


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