# I cheated - now he thinks he can



## holmes (Nov 15, 2011)

I made a mistake and cheated on my husband a couple years ago. I did it several times with one guy and once with another one. I feel really bad about it and dont really know why I did it except maybe because I liked the feeling of having guys want me. Anyways my husband found out about it about 3 months ago. It was a hard time. I am bisexual and we decided to start having sex with a female coworker, threesomes. We had a couple of them and then I decided I didnt want to do it anymore because I thought he was "too into her" and was going to leave me for her. Both of them kept telling me that was not the case. He texts her a lot and wants to spend a lot of time alone with her. We agrue about this constantly. He now tells me if I let him spend a full night alone with her that he will not try to sleep with her or spend time with her after that, she will only be a friend/coworker. But also I found out last night that he wants to be with her if him and I do not work out. He says I need to change and not be so *****y all the time. I dont know what to do. He says if I do not give him this one night alone with her then things are going to be bad for us and that since I cheated he should be able to do this. Ugh I just dont know what to do anymore. Its all so confusing and heartbreaking. Any advice?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's called karma and it sucks.

So many bad decisions here.

His threat and demand is not in any way in the interest of your marriage. The fact that he made it shows that he might just be done with the marriage, in large part due to the hurt your multiple affairs inflected on him. His heart got trashed and broken, and it sounds like it hasn't recovered. So now he s using your selfishness to justify his selfishness.

If that is the way he feels and he won't back down, the you have little choice but to leave him. He is holding the marriage hostage, so take his ability to do that by ending it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Two issues. 

1) As for the ONS your H requests, this is your call to either allow it or not. By cheating, you nullifies the marriage vow, and he really does not owe you fidelity at this point. However, if you do not want to stay married with him sleeping with other women, then you can just say so. Threaten that you will file D if he does. It's unfair for him, but that's how it is. Things are never fair for BS no matter what you do. Make your decision.

2) You must reconsider your permiscuoius lifestyle. Even your threesome is a very unhealthy and risky acts to bring into your marriage. My XW was also bisexual, and I knew she had attraction to other women. But, she never cheated on me with either man or woman during our marriage until her exit affair with another man. Your declaring yourself bisexual does not give you a free pass to indulge in this kind of lifestyle. Nor recommendable. I have a healthy dose of sexual attraction towards various females, but I never entertained the thought of threesome in my marriage as I knew it would bring out a whole can of worms even if my spouse agrees to it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Let him have his ONS. But tell him it has to be with a guy. Why not? It's only sex!!!

Push the eject button on your left. He should do the same.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

holmes said:


> He now tells me if I let him spend a full night alone with her that he will not try to sleep with her or spend time with her after that, she will only be a friend/coworker.


Why exactly does he want to be alone with her then? He's obviously lying.

You created this monster, now you have to pay for your poor choices. Get some IC help and prepare yourself for the end of your M, it will probably be the best for both of you.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It seems your past affairs were not adequately dealt with in your marriage if your husband feels justified in being able to have a ONS years later. You also haven't seemed to pinpoint why you were a serial cheater (more than one ONS counts as serial cheating) in the first place. Which means you have unresolved issues as well.

Instead of dealing with the past affairs, you both have managed to somehow complicate it even further by bringing a third party into your marital bed. Now you have a third party in your marriage.

I'd take extramarital sex with others off the table completely and go to a marriage counselor. Until the past affairs and marital problems are resolved, your marriage will not survive if you both continue on this path.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If your point is scaring her off, you all did well. While it does feel good, don't relive your marriages here.

I am assuming that the OP offered him a threesome as some sort of compensation for her wrong doings. Well, the husband now thinks that he does not owe the OP one iota of fidelity. And he is pursuing it without punity because the marriage is on his terms now.


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## holmes (Nov 15, 2011)

I did not ask him to have a threesome, he asked me, I just agreed because I figured I owed it to him since I cheated. Bad decision, I agree. I think hes just pissed about my cheating and is trying to get back at me. I think maybe it will be ok, we will see. Thanks for the nice and not so nice comments people.


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## holmes (Nov 15, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> If your point is scaring her off, you all did well. While it does feel good, don't relive your marriages here.
> 
> I am assuming that the OP offered him a threesome as some sort of compensation for her wrong doings. Well, the husband now thinks that he does not owe the OP one iota of fidelity. And he is pursuing it without punity because the marriage is on his terms now.
> 
> ...


Exactly! Someone understands!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Seriously, you two need to talk about what you both want out of the marriage. And it should not include sex with others. You both need boundaries around your marriage. Establish them, and go to marriage counseling.

If it doesn't work, at least you tried.

Good luck


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Please keep all comments respectful. Thanks.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> OMG! Im so sorry for you! This must be horrible. Who deserves that kind of hell?
> 
> Hmmmmmmmmmmm... you ?. lol.
> 
> ...


Wow! Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You guys are doing it wrong. Go to counselling immediately. The marriage is most likely doomed anyways with either of your current attitudes..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You say that your affairs were a mistake? Wrong. A mistake could have been a ONS brought on by alcohol intoxication, not several sex sessions with one man and a ONS with another. Those were choices you deliberately made knowing full well what you were doing yet not caring about the severe repercusions that would come from them. 

Saying 'I don't know why I did it' doesn't help your husband to rebuild trust in you because if you don't know why you did it, then how does he know you won't do it again in the future?

Furthermore you exacerbated the problem with a threesome as a way to make amends to your husband for your affairs. Now that 'solution',as you found out the hard way, can and did blow up in your face.

Just as your husband couldn't control you from cheating on him, you can't control him from cheating on you. So your choices are:

1. Inform him that you will allow him to have his ONS with the OW, knowing that there is no guarantee that it will end there.

2. Inform him that you are filing for divorce so that the two of you can heal yourselves and rebuild your lives separately.

In the meantime, seek individual counseling to help uncover the factors that caused you to go outside your marriage.

Good luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

What a train wreck. Serious counseling required. Oh and a divorce.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if my wife cheated on me I would have a revenge affair.

fair is fair Hell I would like to sample some strange too.

then if she wanted we could try to rebuild if not so be it.

not saying its right but thats the only way I could get past it.


even steven thats how I roll.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

IMO, you unilaterally breached the marriage contract, this voiding it, He is not cheating and has no obligation to you. You got to have multiple partners. He is only asking for one extra. Seems he is still behind in the count.


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