# Need advice impotent spouse



## Midlage (Apr 1, 2015)

What would cause a 52 year old man to have such sexual difficulties?? He's always had problems performing (anxiety!) and now things have disintegrated to his inability to even discuss sex.
Several years ago we threw in the towel and I hoped he would get help. He rarely brings it up for discussion and we live like roommates. If I try to talk to him he gets defensive and simply says, "well I'd like to" like it's up to me to make it happen. He never initiated much before things came to a halt. I just wonder what's going on in his head. He does have other issues-learning issues and anxiety. Does anyone know if cognitively challenged people lose sexual interest? Thanks for your honest and thoughtful responses ahead of time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, cognitively challenged people have the same inherent libido any other person would. But it sounds like your H has learning disabilities and ADHD. Those are NOT NOT NOT cognitive challenges!!!!

Anxiety is a major boner killer. People with anxiety are sometimes even too anxious to discuss their anxiety let alone deal with it, which is exactly what makes it worse.

Your husband is under the mistaken impression that his penis is under his control and it's not. If a man could control his penis boys wouldn't be walking around with their shirts untucked all during high school! 

This is a very touchy subject for men. He needs to know that you miss him, miss sex with him, and want to have a sex life with him once again. Send him to his doctor to get an rx for viagra offer to go with him. Ask him if there is anything else you could do so he will feel more comfortable talking about this with you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Your husband is under the mistaken impression that his penis is under his control and it's not. If a man could control his penis boys wouldn't be walking around with their shirts untucked all during high school!


According to an extremely famous astrophysicist and sexual health researcher. Men do actually gain control of their penis at around age 18.

- Eddie Murphy 1980's


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> According to an extremely famous astrophysicist and sexual health researcher. Men do actually gain control of their penis at around age 18.
> 
> - Eddie Murphy 1980's


Men never gain control of their penis. Women just let them think they do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Midlage said:


> What would cause a 52 year old man to have such sexual difficulties?? He's always had problems performing (anxiety!) and now things have disintegrated to his inability to even discuss sex.


Most common causes are sexual shame and disgust taught by religions that all forms of sex are inherently wicked and evil. These religions just teach that "abstinence only" programs are the only appropriate way to behave until marriage and then everything will magically change after joining your spouse in holy matrimony. 

According to leading sexual research, just the act of a passionate hug and kiss is an act of sex. If it is OK to do that, but at the same time an erection is inherently evil it may cause some fundamental issues as you grow up and go through life. 

My wife had a serious Catholic boyfriend growing up. The few times they would passionately kiss he would often suddenly push her away from one moment to the next, turn solid red in his face and neck, get extremely awkward, and not talk about what was happening. Anything seem worrisome about sexual development in that situation? Today this man has grown up to be completely unhappy in his marriage, and has a wife that is excruciatingly jealous of him around other women.

May be relevant to you, or perhaps not.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

My two bits here as I'm almost 70, but randy and ready:

1. have him tested for testosterone levels. Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) can revitalize a guy who's "low-T." For me, it has meant getting back to the gym, losing 40 pounds, building muscle and living a very vigorous lifestyle. (Unfortunately, my wife is usually sotted if not soused. But, it doesn't sound like that's your problem.)
2. get him some ED drugs. Viagra works well for me, 100mg a couple hours before and a couple 100 mg L-Arginine tablets a half hour before. His pecker will be hard enough to scratch glass that ought to restore his confidence. Most docs will have some samples and he can try the lot to see what works best.

Thank you Big Pharma.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

In my opinion there is more going on here then pharmaceuticals should be allowed to fix. I agree with Bad Santa. How a person was raised to view sex growing up impacts how they view sex as adults. It is not something easily changed. My son has ADD and it doesn't seem to affect his sex life, my other son hasan autism spectrum disorder, and it doesn't seem to affect his sex life. My H is also on the autism spectrum and he still wants to have sex. 

Has your husband started any new medications lately. Antidepressants can totally kill your mood and ability to perform. Before trying meds, I would suggest looking into a sex therapist or maybe even a general therapist. There could be more going on then you are aware of. 

I am not going to get on my soap box about abuse and such, but men can be sexually abused as well and it can affect them sexually later in life. Often these things do not come out until they feel like they fully trust there mate, and are confident they will not leave them or judge them. Do you know anything about your husband's past sexual history, or family history that would lead you to believe that something happened or to lead you to believe sex is frowned upon.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

BBF said:


> My two bits here as I'm almost 70, but randy and ready:
> 
> 1. have him tested for testosterone levels. Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) can revitalize a guy who's "low-T." For
> 
> You start here ^^ along with a FULL medical lab work.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

BBF said:


> My two bits here as I'm almost 70, but randy and ready:
> 
> 1. have him tested for testosterone levels. Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) can revitalize a guy who's "low-T." For me, it has meant getting back to the gym, losing 40 pounds, building muscle and living a very vigorous lifestyle. (Unfortunately, my wife is usually sotted if not soused. But, it doesn't sound like that's your problem.)
> 2. get him some ED drugs. Viagra works well for me, 100mg a couple hours before and a couple 100 mg L-Arginine tablets a half hour before. His pecker will be hard enough to scratch glass that ought to restore his confidence. Most docs will have some samples and he can try the lot to see what works best.
> ...


May I ask what the L-Arginine does for you half hour before sex?


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## Midlage (Apr 1, 2015)

Well now I think I know what is going on with him. During marriage counseling in 2011 he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and given several recommendations on how to treat it. He went to a few counseling sessions and quit. He still struggles terribly with anxiety. Someone told me that anxiety can render a person mute so they can't even talk about an issue.
He also grew up Catholic and had an issue with a yukky adult man when he was 10 years old. I guess the guy would pull his pants down to around his ankles and (but not his underwear) and laugh because he couldn't get away and run from him.
He has also had learning issues and alcohol issues.
I have been blaming myself for being kind of pushy and blaming, but now I see none of his anxiety is my fault.
I really don't know if there's anything I can do to help him, I can only take care of myself.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

UMP said:


> May I ask what the L-Arginine does for you half hour before sex?


Excuse the thread jack....but since I was asked and in the spirit of helpfulness. I'm only speaking from my experience, not offering medical advice. L-Arginine makes the Viagra work faster and more intensely. And, it is two 500-mg tabs, not 100-mg tabs.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Midlage said:


> Well now I think I know what is going on with him. During marriage counseling in 2011 he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and given several recommendations on how to treat it. He went to a few counseling sessions and quit. He still struggles terribly with anxiety. Someone told me that anxiety can render a person mute so they can't even talk about an issue.
> He also grew up Catholic and had an issue with a yukky adult man when he was 10 years old. I guess the guy would pull his pants down to around his ankles and (but not his underwear) and laugh because he couldn't get away and run from him.
> He has also had learning issues and alcohol issues.
> I have been blaming myself for being kind of pushy and blaming, but now I see none of his anxiety is my fault.
> I really don't know if there's anything I can do to help him, I can only take care of myself.


You might want to look up and try an Al-Anon meeting. He may not be a big drinker, but it sounds like a big case of co-dependence.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Midlage said:


> Well now I think I know what is going on with him. During marriage counseling in 2011 he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and given several recommendations on how to treat it. He went to a few counseling sessions and quit. He still struggles terribly with anxiety. Someone told me that anxiety can render a person mute so they can't even talk about an issue.
> He also grew up Catholic and had an issue with a yukky adult man when he was 10 years old. I guess the guy would pull his pants down to around his ankles and (but not his underwear) and laugh because he couldn't get away and run from him.
> He has also had learning issues and alcohol issues.
> I have been blaming myself for being kind of pushy and blaming, but now I see none of his anxiety is my fault.
> I really don't know if there's anything I can do to help him, I can only take care of myself.


It definitely sounds like you have found your answer. I have anxiety related issues and yes it can render you mute. That would be called a "freeze response" by the way. That is exactly what happens to me especially durring sex. Since that is where my trauma's happened. There are things that can help that. Having a T to help with this is very useful. 

There is a book that I recomend that will explain what the T will likely do to help lessen the affects of this traumatic event. I would not tackle the exercises in this book with out the help of a qualified T. It is hte same process I have used and it works. The book I used for insight was called "I Can't Get Over It, A Handbook for Trauma Survivors. (chapter 6 contains the exercises I am talking about) By Aphrodite Matsakis. 

I hope there is something in here that will help you. When working on stuff it always gets worse before it gets better, but if he is willing to put forth the effort it will be a task that you will not be sorry you took on.

By the way extreme trauma often masks itself as mental illness. Often after dealing with the issues at hand, and sometimes discovering more issues that were repressed, the mental illness type symptoms go away. 

Best of look with this. I hope you guys get the help you need and deserve.


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## Midlage (Apr 1, 2015)

What a wonderful response. Thanks for the term "Freeze Response". He is in total denial about the pants-pulling incidents, but you think that could be the trauma that's causing the problem?? One therapist said he has repressed what "really" happened, that perhaps the pervert did touch him.
Am I being too much of a caretaker if I purchase the book, since I feel I have given up on him? No sex with him in 8 years.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Midlage said:


> What a wonderful response. Thanks for the term "Freeze Response". He is in total denial about the pants-pulling incidents, but you think that could be the trauma that's causing the problem?? One therapist said he has repressed what "really" happened, that perhaps the pervert did touch him.
> Am I being too much of a caretaker if I purchase the book, since I feel I have given up on him? No sex with him in 8 years.


 That is what it sounds like to me. The freeze response. The one therapist who suggested repressed memories is absolutely correct in my opinion. Repressed memories can control your life even if you do not know what happened. You have mental brain kinda memories, and you can have memories related to taste and smell, you body has memories to. Each of your sences has it's own memory. 


I think that would make you a very caring wife if you bought that book. That would not make you an overprotective caretaker. 

Is there any way you can find a therapist that specializes in trauma's. I had no idea such thing existed. I thought a therapist was a therapist. I didn't realize they could specialize in certain things. I really think it could be worth checking into. 

Feel free to PM me if there is anything you would like to discuss that you would like to keep more personal rather then public in the forums. I'd be happy to talk to you.


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## Midlage (Apr 1, 2015)

Thanks. I might PM you. I am going to pursue this further....seeing someone Friday.


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