# What if you discover your spouse have an affair?



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi guys, thanks for viewing this thread. I've changed the introduction of the thread today because I'v got a more serious discussion for you (wives) to comment:

*If one day, you discover your husband's affair (Your husband doesn't want to get divorce with you because he still loves you & family, he wants reconciliation.) and you have a chance to confront the OW, how are you going to deal with the OW if she tells you.... 

1. You are not good to your husband. You're a mean wife.
2. You don't give him any intimacy that he needs. You're ignorant.
3. You don't understand him. You only want to be understood.

1. I love your husband truely.
2. I understand him & I'm able to make him happy.
3. I want to live the rest of my life with him.

Please divorce your husband if you don't love him truely!*

_______________________________________

*What are you going to say to the OW?*


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

If that works for both spouses. Most would not survive that type of marriage. I believe that fidelity is one of the most important things in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

We're not married yet, but if I discovered my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would probably give him one chance to redeem himself. Total transparency, counseling, working hard to prove to me that he could be trusted again. If he did all that, and I truly believed it was a one time thing and that he had no feelings for whoever she was, then we could work things out. 

If he cheated a second time, or if I thought he had feelings for the other woman, then that would be the end of things. I would not stay with someone who continually cheated on me. I did that with my first husband, and I will never make that mistake again. Ever.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

If it were my wife cheating - I would give her 1 chance to come clean, then if she did not - I would release the Dogs of Hell upon her and the OM. 

She would have to follow a strict script for redemption and have to show great remorse before I would allow her to have any of my heart again.

I would follow the guidelines set down by Affaircare and Marriage Builders sites. 

Full Blown *NUKE EXPOSURE of the AFFAIR* followed by No Contact - No contact letter - counseling - couples and individual with a pro- marriage counselor. 

Of course the snooping and monitoring would be on 24 x 7 with a full array of gadgetry. (sorry - I'm a bit of technophile). 

And for the OM ---- he would be wishing he had never even looked upon my wife. There would be no mercy - NONE! NONE!

Now - with tables turned my wife has already told me she would cut my vitals bits off and then be fitted with a nice concrete suit to be sitting on the bottom of Tampa Bay - Sopranos like - yeah she's Italian and I darn well believe her. But that's not what stops me from having an affair - It's because I love and respect her enough not to put myself into a position where I would even think about it. I've known her for 22 yrs and married 18yrs!

An affair is always a choice - no one has a gun to your head! 

She's reading over my shoulder and just whacked me on the head - but yes she agrees


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

*Thank you all!

Above comments were for a general discussion in the past.

Please feel free to share your new views & comments for the new discussion. Thank you! *


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

I can tell you what my instincutal reaction was:

You want him? You can have him.

Everyone just wants to be loved, to be understood, to be cherished. But having an affair with someone and being married to someone are two COMPLETELY different things. I know my husband's buttons, his weaknesses, his likes and dislikes, as much as he may hated to admit it at the time. The first week or so afterwards when Divorce was still the only option, he'd eat what I'd prepared and cry over how he was going to miss it - stupid crap like that. 

My husband and I have spent our entire adult lives together, we've grown up together (which doesn't do much on the romance scale, but it's a shared history that not many people have). No woman other than his mother can come along and claim to know him better than I do (and then even she can't do that).

But I'm all for giving the b*tch a chance to prove me wrong. But as I said to my husband in the beginning "Don't let me stop you from being happy. Go, be with her, but when you realise you've made the biggest mistake of your life, don't even think about coming back."


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Fallon said:


> I can tell you what my instincutal reaction was:
> 
> You want him? You can have him.
> 
> ...


You sound pretty cool.

What if your husband actually wants to come back but the OW doesn't want to let him leave & tries to challenge your position as his legal wife?


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

Firstly, if he had left, I wouldn't still be his legal wife. I'd be his legal ex-wife. And to clarify, I'd consider the moment he chose to remain in contact with her as the moment he left. There are no second chances, and he knows that if he ever tried this again, and I found out about it, I'd have his balls on a platter. Sorry for the imagery.

I can't deny it would give me the greatest pleasure seeing him miserable with the woman he'd left me for.

If he made the decision to commit to our marriage and to cut contact with the other woman, as was the case with my husband, and the woman persisted... Then I'd say she has a problem. :crazy:

But you know what? He caused the sh*t, he must sort it out. Besides, I am far too classy to deal with that riff-raff. :biggrinangelA:


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

> If one day, you discover your husband's affair (Your husband doesn't want to get divorce with you because he still loves you & family, he wants reconciliation.) and you have a chance to confront the OW, how are you going to deal with the OW if she tells you....
> 
> 1. You are not good to your husband. You're a mean wife.
> 2. You don't give him any intimacy that he needs. You're ignorant.
> ...


Why on earth would you even want to place yourelf in that kind of situation?

What purpose could it possibly serve?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> Why on earth would you even want to place yourelf in that kind of situation?
> 
> What purpose could it possibly serve?


Nobody wants that situation but shxx happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Fallon said:


> Firstly, if he had left, I wouldn't still be his legal wife. I'd be his legal ex-wife. And to clarify, I'd consider the moment he chose to remain in contact with her as the moment he left. There are no second chances, and he knows that if he ever tried this again, and I found out about it, I'd have his balls on a platter. Sorry for the imagery.
> 
> I can't deny it would give me the greatest pleasure seeing him miserable with the woman he'd left me for.
> 
> ...


What if the OW just calls you and wants to talk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

I wouldn't entertain her. And then I'd call her husband. But that's just me.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

I don't think that anyone who is capable of doing that kind of thing is quite right in the head, so why get dragged into it. As I've said before, if hubby wanted to get involved with a psycho, he needs to deal with it.

Maybe the men can give us some feedback here. How would you:

a) react if you were the DS, and the OW contacted your wife with the story above
b) want your DS to react if the OW/OM contacted you with the story above.

I expect my husband to be man enough to put her on her place and make it crystal clear that it's over and that there is to be no contact of any sort with either him or me. 

If he does, and she persists, I suppose a restraining order is the next step. In case she goes all "Fatal Attraction" on us.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> What if the OW just calls you and wants to talk?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry! It seems this topic has hit a nerve over here!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'd be torn. Half of me would want to give her a second chance, to make it work and work on what led her to believe that an affair was the answer.

But the other half of me would want to be out the door and burn all the bridges behind me. She had already gotten the idea in her head that she could do better than me, and has proven to herself that she does indeed have what it takes to get another man.

No easy answers-and that's why sites like this exist.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It actually happened to a close friend of mine. The OW was fighting very hard to break ppl's marriage. The OW sms the wife, she also asked her friends to disturb the wife. 
She created lies to confuse the cheating husband. Things like, "my friends had proved to me that your wife's sleeping with a man and my friend knows him...his name is xxx and he lives in xxx..." they cooperated together to lie to the husband.
So the wife, my friend, a honest and faithful woman was accused having an affair and the OW really made the dumb husband believe this whole crap!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I guess I am weird, no suprise there ha ha ha, but when the OWs husband contacted me on facebook to tell me about my H sleeping with his wife ( took him 18 months to find me poor guy) he also had an agreement with his wife that she would contact me to verify everything. 

When she told me about what my H said, I told her the truth. The absolute facts about my H and our life. Scared the sh** out of her, and she wanted nothing more to do with him ever after that conversation. But she did do me the favor of telling me the truth about her, and when I relayed the information to my H, he was disgusted. I honestly got to see firsthand the discovery of affair partners seeing the other person in REAL light. For me, it was quite relieving. Neither of them were what they said they were.

If I was contacted with those sentences and sentiments, I honestly don't know that I would respond, other than with divorce papers. My H has this ONE chance LOL.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I know this sounds crazy, but I while I would be hurt at first I am at the point where I wish he was having an affair. He has grown so cold and distance towards me that I am looking for a way out. If I was to walk out right now with no other reason than he doesn't love me anymore I would have no where to go. My family would not help me get on my feet again. But if I left due to cheating or abuse my family would certainly help me out--but only for those reasons.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If one day I discover my husband's affair and the OW wants to talk, i'd tell her.
1. I'm sorry what my husband has done to you.
2. Married men are always married men, after having fun, they want to go home to their wives and kids.
3. You're still young and you can always find a single man. 4. I wouldn't hurt my husband in any case because he's the father of my kids and the love of my life, but if you insist stalking him and bugging my family, you'll be reported to the police.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> It actually happened to a close friend of mine. The OW was fighting very hard to break ppl's marriage. The OW sms the wife, she also asked her friends to disturb the wife.
> She created lies to confuse the cheating husband. Things like, my friends had proved to me that your wife's sleeping with a man and my friend knows him and they cooperated together to lie to the husband.
> So the wife, my friend, a honest and faithful woman was accused having an affair and the OW really made the husband believe this whole crap!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel like I can relate...I ran into the OW at my husband's job before I knew she was the OW and they'd JUST spent the weekend together. They went off right before Thanksgiving to get her a restraining order against ME and I am forever hearing the violin song about ME destroying this nice, decent, "Christian" woman's life. Did I mention she has her very own husband and child? No, the people who have florid problems are not the ones you want to be having conversations with...you get absolutely nowhere and waste too much of your own valuable time.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> I feel like I can relate...I ran into the OW at my husband's job before I knew she was the OW and they'd JUST spent the weekend together. They went off right before Thanksgiving to get her a restraining order against ME and I am forever hearing the violin song about ME destroying this nice, decent, "Christian" woman's life. Did I mention she has her very own husband and child? No, the people who have florid problems are not the ones you want to be having conversations with...you get absolutely nowhere and waste too much of your own valuable time.


It's true. Some OWs are very aggressive and they think they're the right ones and the wife is the wrong one. In their belief, the wife should get lost no matter what it takes. They fooled the husband to believe things that are untrue, they can make up stories, lies and look very sincere and innocent. You must see it with your own eyes to believe because they are talented actress. They can show you tears very quickly. They can look into your eyes while lying...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I guess I am weird, no suprise there ha ha ha, but when the OWs husband contacted me on facebook to tell me about my H sleeping with his wife ( took him 18 months to find me poor guy) he also had an agreement with his wife that she would contact me to verify everything.
> 
> When she told me about what my H said, I told her the truth. The absolute facts about my H and our life. Scared the sh** out of her, and she wanted nothing more to do with him ever after that conversation. But she did do me the favor of telling me the truth about her, and when I relayed the information to my H, he was disgusted. I honestly got to see firsthand the discovery of affair partners seeing the other person in REAL light. For me, it was quite relieving. Neither of them were what they said they were.
> 
> If I was contacted with those sentences and sentiments, I honestly don't know that I would respond, other than with divorce papers. My H has this ONE chance LOL.


You've got a good strategy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> It's true. Some OWs are very aggressive and they think they're the right ones and the wife is the wrong one. In their belief, the wife should get lost no matter what it takes. They fooled the husband to believe things that are untrue, they can make up stories, lies and look very sincere and innocent. You must see it with your own eyes to believe because they are talented actress. They can show you tears very quickly. They can look into your eyes while lying...



MsLonely: you are right about what you are saying. In this case, it seems to apply to my husband, too, at least nowadays. He cries...crocodile tears...he lies...maybe they are meant for each other...I hope your situation turns out better...I used to be a "nicer" person and I would then get mixed up with people I never would now...I think that can happen to men as well...my best wishes to you!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> MsLonely: you are right about what you are saying. In this case, it seems to apply to my husband, too, at least nowadays. He cries...crocodile tears...he lies...maybe they are meant for each other...I hope your situation turns out better...I used to be a "nicer" person and I would then get mixed up with people I never would now...I think that can happen to men as well...my best wishes to you!


I'm sorry to hear and yes, it also happens on men. However, men are terrible liars because they usually forget about the details and women can catch them easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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