# Did anyone do the 180 technique?



## Hiking

If anyone has used the 180 technique did it work to save your marriage or not? Why or why not?
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## PBear

Hiking said:


> If anyone has used the 180 technique did it work to save your marriage or not? Why or why not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 180 is to help YOU move on. It may have a side effect of showing your spouse what they're missing, but that's most likely if you demonstrate that you're willing to lose your marriage. 

C
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## Searching4Peace

It does work......children make it a little more difficult though.....


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## This is me

The 180 was a part of helping me which in the end helped us save our marriage. What I did was read it everyday and grade myself on how I did. Some of it was really hard to do.


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## Hiking

so hard to do because I'm so afraid of losing forever
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## Hiking

it should be noted I've been separated for 4 months' and she said she has not been in love for years but than she is a hell of an actress. I did all the wrong things initially begging etc. Its probably too late to save...any thoughts?
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## This is me

I can tell you I heard the same exact things from my wife. Our marriage was a good one for about 16 years, then something changed and my reacting to her mid life crisis (I didnt know at the time) only added fuel to the fire. She left me for 4 months and this was 6 months after telling me she wanted to divorce, which was a shock to me. She claimed she had been thinking this for years and suddenly every good memory we had shared had become bad memories to her. I could not believe what I was hearing.

Space and time were required by 180 and asking if we could try MC and marriage workshops. She fought the idea at first, but eventually did. She did not participate much and was very insulting at times, but all of that has come full circle over the years.

Be a good example.


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## Stretch

Hiking,

Did it. After 14 months my WAW said she wanted to get back together. Partially because she knew I was seeing someone else. I quickly realized I was not in love with her anymore. We said goodbye last Monday.

I reinvented myself, survived and I feel like I am thriving.

At any rate, the 180 prepared me for my future and when R presented itself, I decided to move on. The most interesting thing for me was that the anger disappeared in an instant and I can continue to become the positive, loving partner I needed to become.

It works no matter what the outcome, do it with all your being,

Stretch


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## arbitrator

*I did "the 180" immediately after XW ordered the "trial separation" and had me summarily moved out of the home and into a neighboring city some 25 miles away. My mantra was that if she needed anything, she could reach me.

Not quite a year later, she called me to tell me that she believed that I was stealing her money. We talked and I convinced her to consider R, which was done for some 16 hours, and then she notified me by email that there would be none. I resumed the 180 and then went into investigatory mode, where I sadly found out from scrutiny of her cell phone and texting logs, as well as some of her FB posts, that she had been seeing two of her old boyfriends on the side, dating back as far as 1-1/2 years before said "trial separation," all while we were married and sleeping in the same bed together.

And with me totally oblivious to any of it, thinking of just how much that I loved her, erroneously and dupingly thinking of how much that she loved me!*


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## Fordsvt

It is working for me so far too. She told me In Sept she loves me but the way it was before. Wow I was blown away. So the first two weeks I walked around pouting with my tail between my legs. Then I read about the 180. I started it end of Sept. I did it hard core too. To full effect without stopping. You must be strong and follow it to the letter. It's working for me right now. Check out my thread on "I Think Were Done"


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## whitehawk

Wrestling with the 180 dilemma for 12 mths now . 
Not for myself it is very good for you, coping,picking yourself up and getting on with things there's no doubt about that side of it l feel. 

But l have tossed and turned this whole 12 mths about it from an R point of view.
Because my sitch was different to most l've worried day one that type of treatment will only confirm for her what she felt was going on with me in the first place and some of the vets also advised against it for my sitch.
So l've done the for me side of it since about 2 wks out and l am prepared either way but on the x side l've done what l feel l have needed to. We haven't R'd yet but there has been some wavering with patience .

But l also read a lot of actual R threads in Tam and in other clubs. Some of them came about while the spouse was 180ing but - you never really know if the actual 180 had anything to do with it or did the leaver simply come to their senses, this is the thing. lt's very hard to tell in most cases , they might have anyway regardless.
But many R's have also come about through both keeping in touch, even doing things together and patience. l've read 100s and well just from what l've been able to find , you couldn't say 180's were any bigger than anything else in them - so that side of the 180 equation l'm still no clearer on myself .


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## artlady

Hiking said:


> it should be noted I've been separated for 4 months' and she said she has not been in love for years but than she is a hell of an actress. I did all the wrong things initially begging etc. Its probably too late to save...any thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't think it's too late. I didn't do the 180 at first-- I was naturally very upset (he left in the midst of a MLC, and we were separated/filed for divorce for 10 weeks), depressed, begging, crying...

It wasn't until the last three weeks that I did the 180, and frankly, it scared the s%&t out of him. During most of our separation, he'd been telling me it was over, he hadn't been "in love" with me for years, and we'd even packed up our house. In truth, but hiding it from me, he was constantly going back and forth on whether a D was truly what he wanted. But as soon as he saw that I was ready to move on, almost all communication stopped, I was trying to get my own place, etc., it scared him and he finally saw everything he was about to lose. And it made him finally make up his mind and give us another chance. We've been back together for almost three years on Christmas Day (just celebrated our 22nd anniversary).

Best of luck to you.


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## Hiking

awesome. Do you have kids? That is the hard part of no contact
Can a mlc be snapped out of? I hear so many say it has to ru it's course
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## Garry2012

I did the 180 as well after i filed for divorce. My X saw it as "proof" that I didnt love her anymore and that her affair was justified. That was a year ago, she still thinks that. 

However it did start to prepare me to move on etc and to disengage from her. We are divorce 4 months now, so it didnt work for me...she was too in the fog, too far gone.


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## artlady

Hiking said:


> awesome. Do you have kids? That is the hard part of no contact
> Can a mlc be snapped out of? I hear so many say it has to ru it's course
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have two daughters, but back then they were 20 and 18, and I know he figured that they didn't "need him" anymore (boy, was he wrong!!). So, us having kids didn't really factor into it.

Honestly, I don't think anyone can be snapped out of their MLC. It really does have to run its course. I'm lucky that the selfish, self-absorbed, crazy part of my H's MLC only lasted about four months (he was in it some before he left), but I do feel it went on for a couple more years after we R'd. He just learned how to deal with it more constructively.


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## whitehawk

Garry2012 said:


> I did the 180 as well after i filed for divorce. My X saw it as "proof" that I didnt love her anymore and that her affair was justified. That was a year ago, she still thinks that.
> 
> However it did start to prepare me to move on etc and to disengage from her. We are divorce 4 months now, so it didnt work for me...she was too in the fog, too far gone.



Yep in part exactly my sitch. For a few yrs she'd thought l didn't love her , l was leaving anyway and she would for sure see that side of me 180'ing as a she was right and move on herself.


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## CrazyBeautiful1

Hiking said:


> If anyone has used the 180 technique did it work to save your marriage or not? Why or why not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been separated from my H for 2 months. After the first few weeks of shock and depression, I implemented the 180. Like everyone else says, it is more for making yourself ok.. But in my case, it woke my H up. After 2 months, just two days before our anniversary, I told him I was in a good place, and was ready to move on.. With or without him. I gave him the option of working on our M or walking away.

The 180 helped me, but only because I did it with the intent of finding myself, bettering myself, and being ok.
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## Fordsvt

The 180 has helped me prepare if needed to be on my own. She has seen a huge change in me. We are likely going to separate. I m moving out in another or so. I do feel running my MAP has helped more. She made ref in our MC how I've come along way for the better. She is scared to adjust and the unknown without me. I don't know if she will step into my space and bring me back. I hope so. 

Will my absence make her heart grow fonder? Not sure. The two tools have made a huge difference though for sure. 180 and MAP does work.
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## Onthefenc

Im not sure what yhat is. Ive seen alot of reference to it. But i havent read much on it


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## Stretch

Divorce Busting excerpt regarding the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180

I am convinced it works for all situations, my opinion.

Stretch


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## Fordsvt

Stretch said:


> Divorce Busting excerpt regarding the 180:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> I am convinced it works for all situations, my opinion.
> 
> Stretch


I'd have to agree. It's worked for me-she has seen a major change in me, my personality, and how I approach things.


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## Finding Nemo

Fordsvt said:


> The 180 has helped me prepare if needed to be on my own. She has seen a huge change in me. We are likely going to separate. I m moving out in another or so. I do feel running my MAP has helped more. She made ref in our MC how I've come along way for the better. She is scared to adjust and the unknown without me. I don't know if she will step into my space and bring me back. I hope so.
> 
> Will my absence make her heart grow fonder? Not sure. The two tools have made a huge difference though for sure. 180 and MAP does work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is MAP?


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## Stretch

A marriage life-cycle:

The Marriage Map


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## Miss Taken

The 180 works. It gives you strength when you are at your weakest and helps you to focus on you. One of the side effects it can have is waking up your spouse that they too are disposable. Either way, it helps you to find direction when you're world is turned upside down. At first it feels like a whole lot of faking it but eventually you "make it" (fake it till you make it). 

Don't do it with the intent of getting your partner back or you will just go back to complacency. Do it with the intent on getting yourself back whether you want to reconcile or not.


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## hawx20

Anyone try this while still living together and the WS is remorseful, wants to stay together, and doing everything to make it up?

I dont know if what shes doing is really how she wants to be or just trying to get things good again before going back to her former self.


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## Nathan15

As others have mentioned, I followed most of it as with my X, she believes I didn't love her, but the key to all of this is to remain positive and work on yourself.

I reminded my X that I knew what I wanted and would be here for her, then worked on myself, distance myself (a bit) all the while still being interested in her life.

still in the works, but it's what I believe I need to do at this time.


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## discern

It worked for me. I felt I was going crazy till this forum suggested the 180. The marriage is still on the rocks, cannot trust her and after 2 years, she is still the same fundamentally - lies and all. Hurt ended but now simply distrust. Is it worth it?
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## Nathan15

*Re: Re: Did anyone do the 180 technique?*



discern said:


> It worked for me. I felt I was going crazy till this forum suggested the 180. The marriage is still on the rocks, cannot trust her and after 2 years, she is still the same fundamentally - lies and all. Hurt ended but now simply distrust. Is it worth it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it that she is lying or is it that you believe she is?


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## Adelais

H was out of the A, but still acting out in different ways, and I did a real 180 because I didn't feel emotionally safe anymore and truly wanted to distance myself from him. He quit that type of acting out, but didn't dig deep inside of himself to figure out his "whys." When I realized he was only doing the bare minimum to keep me around, I started thinking about D and let him know several times that the only reason I am here anymore is because we have children who need an intact home, but after they grow up, and if he doesn't figure himself out and become a communicative partner in the M, I was leaving him. That motivated him to work on his own issues a bit more. Sad thing is that now I don't really care, I'm just wanting to plan for my own future, with or without him. Some WS work on fixing themselves too little and too late.


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## CleanShaven

Agreed. 180 is for one's self, and I must admit I'm in a much better emotionally confident place than I was several months ago - involved, active, and accomplishing goals I never thought I'd achieve.
I love my W of 15 years, though we're currently separated. Most of what "This Is Me" indicated in his first paragraph of post #7 in this thread sounds all too familiar in my case, as well.
Now for some questions: 
*If I happen to know W is living with another man during our separation (and she has an idea that I am aware) should I insistently confront her with my displeasure of her living sitch - to which I'm sure she'll once again refuse to discuss, no matter how calm/respectful/tactful the conversation - or, should I continue to remain quiet and ride out her possible MLC? 
Which brings me to a 2nd question:
*Is a MLC an emotional/mental breakdown, and should I wait supportively on the sidelines indefinitely?
Bottom line: I'm feeling compelled to cut the cord, but also conflicted whether that's considered giving up on a loved one suffering a crisis.


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## Garry2012

I was repeatedly told an MLC is the same as an affair. I whole heartedly disagree. I think an affair is a result/action/consequence of a MLC. An MLC to me is an emotional/mental distortion and meltdown. Their whole view of life may change....but but a varied amount of time..maybe a few months...maybe for a lifetime. Some wait it seems...up to the individual. Your bottom line is the tough part....you see it as a crises...i think they see it as the truth, an awakening...as in "wow...i just realized i NEVER loved my spouse and life would be perfect if i get rid of them".


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## Fordsvt

I agree. The MLC is all mental. An affair is an act of devience by one partner. 
When men have this. We buy a convertable Mustang or a Harley. The wife can have an EA or PA. They don't want what they have or can't have what they want. It's a cycle they have to work through. It's a crazy time for the spouse who is on the outside looking in.
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## hawx20

Garry2012 said:


> I was repeatedly told an MLC is the same as an affair. I whole heartedly disagree. I think an affair is a result/action/consequence of a MLC. An MLC to me is an emotional/mental distortion and meltdown. Their whole view of life may change....but but a varied amount of time..maybe a few months...maybe for a lifetime. Some wait it seems...up to the individual. Your bottom line is the tough part....you see it as a crises...i think they see it as the truth, an awakening...as in "wow...i just realized i NEVER loved my spouse and life would be perfect if i get rid of them".



My wife had a MLC and ended up having an affair. She really went off the deep end trying to hold on to her youth. Her friends became younger (mid 20s, she is about to be 41), was obsessed with looking like the body building 20 year olds, she would get such a high when people were amazed at her age, she would act like it was incredibly impressive that she now had this large social circle and everyone wanted her around.

It fed right in to her need to be the life of the party and everything was about her. Needless to say, she changed into a horrible, self centered person. Part of the reason I'm taking her affair so well is because I know it had nothing to do with me. She did this to her kids as much as she did it to me. We all took a back seat to her MLC. 

When making plans, the kids and I had to work around her social schedule. We all came less of a priority to her and her new found ways. So its no surprise that she had an affair. She was living the life of a lie and probably felt invincible.

Funny, shes not feeling invincible now and all her younger friends have vanished. I used to tell her all the time these kids arent going to be there for you and her family is all she really has. I havent heard one word from her friends since.


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## Fordsvt

Hawx20-are you still with her? Just wondering.
That story reminds me of a friend of ours. His wife dresses like she's 20 going to a dance club. They are still together...


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## hawx20

Fordsvt said:


> Hawx20-are you still with her? Just wondering.
> That story reminds me of a friend of ours. His wife dresses like she's 20 going to a dance club. They are still together...


She wasnt that bad. She didnt dress inappropriate for her age and she does look fantastic for her age. If I didnt know her, I would figure she was a good 10 years younger than she is. Luckily, we both look pretty young for our age.

Its only been a little over a month since I found out but we are still together. I'm doing my best to work things out with her. Her decisions during the time she was having an affair were really off the deep end, not even including the affair itself. She was delusional in her thinking.

There was a definite line where the change happened. It was a bit over a year ago. She turned into a completely different person. Of course now she is doing everything possible to show me she loves me and trying to make things good. I think she finally realized too that she was betraying the kids as well as me. Hell, I think she betrayed my stepson even more than she did me. 

Hopefully the realization of it all snapped her out of the fog she was in and ended for MLC. She is now scared everyday that I will just give up and leave her and she will lose her family. My stepson told her if I left, hes going with me. Thats how bad he feels betrayed by her. I'm hoping it doesnt come to that, but I'm taking life day by day with no expectations of a future with her. If it happens, thats great. If not, I can move on.


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## Trickster

I've been doing the 180 as well,

I was hoping that it would wake up my wife and bring love to our mariage.

My attiude has changed over this past year and ive been going through major growing pain.

I've come to realize that my wife doesnt love me. At the same time, I don't love my wife either.

We do have a child together so that make this a challenge. A D would destroy our world financially.. I dont have a solution yet in that area... maybe somewhat marriage prison.

What I've come to realize is that if I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING my wife talks about..I mean everything...even if I know she is wrong, I know will have sex every 3rd day or so......THATS NOT THE 180 PART!!!!!

I do have activities outside of marriage and I do several things that I enjoy without my wife.

My wife doesnt have a job yet and is a horrible homemaker.....But if I ignore the messy house and bad cooking... I can have sex.....there is no love ther ...we both know that.

the 180?

I like myself much more today and I am working on developng friends. My wife has been my EVERYTHING for 21 years. the 180 is changing that.....I know what is going to happen in the coming years...I just dont know if I can do 9 more years of this...

its a good thing....


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## Stretch

CleanShaven said:


> *If I happen to know W is living with another man during our separation (and she has an idea that I am aware) should I insistently confront her with my displeasure of her living sitch - to which I'm sure she'll once again refuse to discuss, no matter how calm/respectful/tactful the conversation - or, should I continue to remain quiet and ride out her possible MLC?


This is so very important in my mind but rarely mentioned on TAM.

Ground rules for the separation should include dating or not. If yes, then expect it to happen. Has this not been decided by everyone currently separated?


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## 06Daddio08

I did the 180 'technique' the way it was intended, on myself and it worked.


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## Fordsvt

The 180 is all about you evoking change in yourself. Changing who you are to be better. It worked for me. After three months my wife stepped back into my space on her own accord.
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## Stretch

Hiking,

Hope you are doing well. I have not seen you post in a while and I wanted to check-in.

Happy New Year buddy,
Stretch


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## Garry2012

Stretch said:


> This is so very important in my mind but rarely mentioned on TAM.
> 
> Ground rules for the separation should include dating or not. If yes, then expect it to happen. Has this not been decided by everyone currently separated?


This was why I forced her hand to divorce or work on marriage...I was confident she would date during separation..and I was not ok with that. I knew there was another guy involved...I was tired of watching her sneak around while she lived with me...didnt want to do that while she lived elsewhere. ugg.


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## Fordsvt

For me it forced her hand to work on the marriage. So the 180 worked well for me. I was set to move out at the end of January 2014. As it got closer she got worried and had major 2nd thoughts about everything. It forces the wayward spouse to look at all angles. For me it did the following:

-showed her I was ready to move on
-proved that I was ready to move out trial separation
-allowed me to show I was detaching from her
-I went out alone with friends and co-workers
-her needs were put on the back burner 100%
-she became jealous when other females were near me. Also proved to her I would have no issue having my needs met with someone else
-After an argument one night, I offered her an uncontested divorce
-I focused on being more Alpha all the time.

Now were not out of the woods yet but I'm staying to work on things. It's been going pretty good. This may not work for all people but it did for me.


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## Garry2012

Whether it works on the WS differs, but the purpose is to get the BS in the right mindset and direction. I think my WS took it as a gift...it "proved" that I didn't love her, didn't care etc...which is EXACTLY what she wanted. By me "being ok" with the divorce, to her, justified her affair and her lack of effort In the relationship because "clearly" I didn't care. I think there is a point in which they are just too far gone...then the 180 doesn't affect them...but again the purpose is for the BS anyway. It helped me prepare for single life 8 months before the divorce was final.


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## Fordsvt

I think it's all about how you deliver the 180. Mine got worried that I was detaching. She became jealous too. I was content to move along or start a new life. I was all ready to do that. I was doing my own thing and not answering to her at all. It's a gamble but worth it.
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