# Am I crazy? or am I a victim of gaslighting?



## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

WARNING : LONG POST. I’m new herei stumbled across this site while researching articles on separation after a very long marriage (27 years) and we are both in our mid sixties. We moved to this rural area when my parents asked us too to help them as their aged. It was for the best as my wife was an alcoholic and hospitalized immediately prior to us moving.

It honestly saved her life. We’ve experienced the tragedy of losing 3 of our kids - our daughter (hers) in a motor vehicle accident and a son (mine) who killed himself. Im scared of course as to what the future holds but honestly I don’t think I want to stay in this marriage unless there are changes that we both need to make. I’ve been working in my own issues, reading and trying anything I can to improve our communication and to help improve our emotional intimacy. She says she wants us to get closer like we used to be as well. 

However I honestly don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage the way it has become. She spends most of her free time with her friends who consist of her ex-wife and her stepsister. Unfortunately her exwife lives next door with our deceased daughters daughter. That’s the reason she allegedly bought that house so we could all help in raising our granddaughter.

For the last year or so, her ex has inserted herself more and more into our relationship like buying my wife things she may have said she liked but that we can’t afford and truly don’t need. Her ex only comes to visit at our house when I’m not home. I’ve seen texts wherein she asks if I’m home and then will say ok see you later and doesn’t come over. 

I might add that for a while I considered that woman a friend-a close friend. That is no longer the case. This is just a speck of information as there is so much more that gives me cause for concern about their entire relationship. So I had COVID recently and was almost over the worst of it but still not 100%. My wife left to go to her sister’s and I was fine with that. 

However after 3 hours I asked when she was coming and she said when did I want her. I told her now and she got upset. Long story short. She didn’t come home. I got more angry as the hours went by and after 4-5 hours text her some hateful messages and asked that she please come home immediately. Well she didn’t. She was gone for almost 10 hours in total.

Upon her return home, during the argument that ensued she told me I was crazy, that I needed to be locked up and accused me of worshipping the devil. The next day, I have her the apology letter I had written which she never read. She left the house again but this time with her exwife and sister. Was gone the entire day until 9pm. We didn’t speak. 

The next day when she woke up, she told me “I’m gone. You can have the car.” And walked out the door and again left with her exwife. I was pretty angry for the rest of the day and went to bed around 9pm. 

She still hadn’t returned home. So when she started banging down the back door because it was locked and I guess she didn’t have any keys, she was yelling and threatening me to call the police so I did. I told them I was afraid because she was so angry and just wanted her to calm down. So she got some of her things and the left with her exwife and sister and hasn’t returned home since. 

Other than to ask me to put the car keys Where she could pick them up, she hasn’t spoken to me since. She spends everyday with her exwife and sister. I know this because they have to five by my house to get next door. I live On The top corner of a cul de sac and the ex lives next to me. Also her ex hates me, has told me that she hopes my wife leaves me forever and has called me the “c” word several times both before this happened and during the event. So I know my wife is being given advice to just divorce me.

Anyway - I love my wife and I know she loves me even though she’s angry and upset. So am I. But I’ve been feeling like the outsider in my own marriage for a while and I don’t want to live ine that anymore. I’d rather be alone. Am I being selfish? I would love to be able to work things out but I don’t see how that would ever be possible unless either we moved or her ex did.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

FIRST WELCOME ,
as we have only your side of the story ,I will go from the last part of you post 
" I don’t want to live ine that anymore. I’d rather be alone. Am I being selfish? I would love to be able to work things out but I don’t see how that would ever be possible unless either we moved or her ex did. 

I don't think you are been selfish here ,the closeness of her exwife is a little too much 
if you don't have family in the area why not move , i know it much have been hard in the past, 
you do need to seek out help if you wish to stay together


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

This is an untenable situation. I'm sorry about the deaths of your children. I hope you are in a grief group for that. The death of a child can destroy a relationship

You may love your W but at the very least she is torn between her EX & you. Alas the EX seems to be winning. Do you really want this alcoholic cheater back? 

Unless there are pentagrams all over your house or something like that, the accusation that you worship the devil seems out of left field. It makes me question your W's grip on reality. 

If you do decide to reconcile I'm not sure how possible that is going to be since the EX-W seems to have custody of the grandchild & both women want to help raise her. NC won't be possible but in your shoes I could not trust your W to simple co-parent. The EX seems to be her primary relationship where she's putting all of her energy. If she wants a divorce there isn't anything you can do. If you do go that route, I would move because living next to them will be hell


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lewsue62 said:


> WARNING : LONG POST. I’m new herei stumbled across this site while researching articles on separation after a very long marriage (27 years) and we are both in our mid sixties. We moved to this rural area when my parents asked us too to help them as their aged. It was for the best as my wife was an alcoholic and hospitalized immediately prior to us moving. It honestly saved her life. We’ve experienced the tragedy of losing 3 of our kids - our daughter (hers) in a motor vehicle accident and a son (mine) who killed himself. Im scared of course as to what the future holds but honestly I don’t think I want to stay in this marriage unless there are changes that we both need to make. I’ve been working in my own issues, reading and trying anything I can to improve our communication and to help improve our emotional intimacy. She says she wants us to get closer like we used to be as well. However I honestly don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage the way it has become. She spends most of her free time with her friends who consist of her ex-wife and her stepsister. Unfortunately her exwife lives next door with our deceased daughters daughter. That’s the reason she allegedly bought that house so we could all help in raising our granddaughter. For the last year or so, her ex has inserted herself more and more into our relationship like buying my wife things she may have said she liked but that we can’t afford and truly don’t need. Her ex only comes to visit at our house when I’m not home. I’ve seen texts wherein she asks if I’m home and then will say ok see you later and doesn’t come over. I might add that for a while I considered that woman a friend-a close friend. That is no longer the case. This is just a speck of information as there is so much more that gives me cause for concern about their entire relationship. So I had COVID recently and was almost over the worst of it but still not 100%. My wife left to go to her sister’s and I was fine with that. However after 3 hours I asked when she was coming and she said when did I want her. I told her now and she got upset. Long story short. She didn’t come home. I got more angry as the hours went by and after 4-5 hours text her some hateful messages and asked that she please come home immediately. Well she didn’t. She was gone for almost 10 hours in total. Upon her return home, during the argument that ensued she told me I was crazy, that I needed to be locked up and accused me of worshipping the devil. The next day, I have her the apology letter I had written which she never read. She left the house again but this time with her exwife and sister. Was gone the entire day until 9pm. We didn’t speak. The next day when she woke up, she told me “I’m gone. You can have the car.” And walked out the door and again left with her exwife. I was pretty angry for the rest of the day and went to bed around 9pm. She still hadn’t returned home. So when she started banging down the back door because it was locked and I guess she didn’t have any keys, she was yelling and threatening me to call the police so I did. I told them I was afraid because she was so angry and just wanted her to calm down. So she got some of her things and the left with her exwife and sister and hasn’t returned home since. Other than to ask me to put the car keys Where she could pick them up, she hasn’t spoken to me since. She spends everyday with her exwife and sister. I know this because they have to five by my house to get next door. I live On The top corner of a cul de sac and the ex lives next to me. Also her ex hates me, has told me that she hopes my wife leaves me forever and has called me the “c” word several times both before this happened and during the event. So I know my wife is being given advice to just divorce me. Anyway - I love my wife and I know she loves me even though she’s angry and upset. So am I. But I’ve been feeling like the outsider in my own marriage for a while and I don’t want to live ine that anymore. I’d rather be alone. Am I being selfish? I would love to be able to work things out but I don’t see how that would ever be possible unless either we moved or her ex did.


Welcome to TAM.
This is a tough story to read. It sounds to me like your W left the marriage a long time ago to rejoin with her ex.

The sister aspect is confusing. Your sister must be supporting your wife in her affair with the ex. That seems unusual, but not unheard of I guess.

The bottom line is that your wife is having an affair. An emotional one at minimum, but very likely a physical affair. You need to come to terms with that. Stop believing what she says (about anything) and start believing what she does.

See a lawyer and file for divorce.
Or be ok with an open marriage.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> FIRST WELCOME ,
> as we have only your side of the story ,I will go from the last part of you post
> " I don’t want to live ine that anymore. I’d rather be alone. Am I being selfish? I would love to be able to work things out but I don’t see how that would ever be possible unless either we moved or her ex did.
> 
> ...


first I want you to know that I do realize this is only one side of the story and I'm sure hers is different. I also want to thank you for your insight that the ex-wife is too much as well. My elderly father is still alive and needs my help. My other siblings live in various parts of the country and are not able to help out. We also own our home with less than a year left on our mortgage and i do not want to sell right now and I have no money to buy her out - so there's that. I have been seriously considering relocating and even trying to figure out how to do that. Being on social security without any additional financial resources it is very difficult but hopefully not impossible. thank you for reading and responding.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> This is a tough story to read. It sounds to me like your W left the marriage a long time ago to rejoin with her ex.
> 
> The sister aspect is confusing. Your sister must be supporting your wife in her affair with the ex. That seems unusual, but not unheard of I guess.
> ...


thank you I appreciate your insight and observations. It confirms what I feel is true.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> This is an untenable situation. I'm sorry about the deaths of your children. I hope you are in a grief group for that. The death of a child can destroy a relationship
> 
> You may love your W but at the very least she is torn between her EX & you. Alas the EX seems to be winning. Do you really want this alcoholic cheater back?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insights and comments. I know this isn't a healthy relationship for either of us and know it's time for a change - whatever that is - and I'm making peace within myself so I can face the future alone.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> This is a tough story to read. It sounds to me like your W left the marriage a long time ago to rejoin with her ex.
> 
> The sister aspect is confusing. Your sister must be supporting your wife in her affair with the ex. That seems unusual, but not unheard of I guess.
> ...


You're absolutely correct in that her sister is supporting her being with her ex-wife. her sister and I have never gotten along very well so it's doesn't surprise me, I expected it. My wife always denies there is anything physical going on between her and her ex, and maybe that's true, but an emotional affair in my heart is even worse. She says I'm crazy and imagining things. That definitely sends up warning signals to me as I know what I know and I'm not crazy. Thank you for the feedback - I needed an outsider's look to say what they think, and I appreciate the candor.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did they split up?


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Why did they split up?


She left the house with her exwife and sister after a fight. She’s not returned and won’t communicate with me. But all her stuff is still
Here.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lewsue62 said:


> w if I want to stay in this marriage the way it has become. She spends most of her free time with her friends who consist of her ex-wife and her stepsister. Unfortunately her exwife lives next door with our deceas


How did you meet your wife?
How did she and the ex wife split up, was there cheating involved?
How long between them divorcing and you and her getting together? How long were they together?
Looks like she may be test driving the past here. You should get a good lawyer and see what your options are. If you can get a PI to follow her. Her behaviour is very suspicious and is the behaviour of someone who is guilty but trying to make you look like the one in the wrong.
I would change the locks if it were possible, and pack her **** and leave it in the driveway. Ask a lawyer first though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> How did you meet your wife?
> How did she and the ex wife split up, was there cheating involved?
> How long between them divorcing and you and her getting together? How long were they together?
> Looks like she may be test driving the past here. You should get a good lawyer and see what your options are. If you can get a PI to follow her. Her behaviour is very suspicious and is the behaviour of someone who is guilty but trying to make you look like the one in the wrong.
> I would change the locks if it were possible, and pack her **** and leave it in the driveway. Ask a lawyer first though.


Or put it in safe storage?


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