# When a woman starts conversation with, "hey you", is it flirting?



## knightRider

Seen the above comment discsussed elsewhere. 

What do you guys think. Is it flirty when a woman starts conversation with a man by saying, "hey you" ?


----------



## unbelievable

If you have to ask if she's flirting, she's not very good at it.


----------



## arbitrator

*IMHO, and from previous experience, I'd largely have to say ~ "Not necessarily!"*


----------



## knightRider

Interesting, as many men say this is a come on and when a women says this to a man it means they want them...

So I suppose the questions really are:

1. women who have used this phrase on men, was it a flirty / affectionate term for a man?

2. Guys who have received this comment, did it lead to a date or relationship?


----------



## arbitrator

knightRider said:


> * Guys who have received this comment, did it lead to a date or relationship?*


*In one case, a totally unabashed "yes!" 

And in yet another case, a flat "no!" Not when she had a bad reputation and was as ugly as homemade sin!*


----------



## Holland

I would never say it to a man I was not dating unless he was my brother and I needed help moving furniture.

But I do say it sometimes to Mr H. Along the lines of calling out "hey you I need help in here" as I call out from the bedroom while undressing. Usually I do it when he is doing something totally unrelated to sex so it is a nice surprise when he comes into the bedroom 
'


----------



## knightRider

Well then damn.

Using VAR, I heard my wife start a conversation using the "hey you" intro. with a colleague. 

It did not lead to anything more but is playing on my mind as something that a married woman should not say to a colleague...


----------



## manfromlamancha

Given your other thread, I would say this is a red flag. Is this the same work colleague you told to stay away from your wife? Did she ever mention that incident? Sounds like you managed to get a good quality VAR.

I work with females at the office (in the UK) and often they will use that term with people they know well and are generally pleased to see. Many of them who are in sales are also flirty to try and be "one of the boys" so to speak.

Don't want to derail this thread as you have another thread going, but yes it is a term of familiarity.


----------



## knightRider

It was a different colleague, in a diferent building. He just said "Hello" in responce. But when I heard her saying it, it just sounded a bit too "cosy" and affectionate. Not sure if this is big enough to make anything of.

How should I proceed?


----------



## JustTired

knightRider said:


> It was a different colleague, in a diferent building. He just said "Hello" in responce. But when I heard her saying it, it just sounded a bit too "cosy" and affectionate. Not sure if this is big enough to make anything of.
> 
> How should I proceed?


I would wait it out & see if you hear anything more incriminating with the VAR. Saying "hey you" isn't always flirting; I would need to see the person's body language & hear their tone to be able to give an opinion on that. Just keep your ears & eyes open a little bit more before making any confrontations.


----------



## knightRider

JustTired, I will wait and see. 

manfromlamancha, she works in investment banking so it can get flirty. Just don't want it at my expense 

thanks to arbitrator, Holland and lila also!


----------



## Lostinthought61

forget the words for a second and since you var(ed) it, what was her tone like in speaking to this person...

here is my take, the sweetest sound in the world for any of us is our own name, when someone calls you by your own name it suggest that that this person is rememberable, hey you sound less endearing and might suggest to the other person that i can't even bother to call you by your own name, that i don't even have time to mention your name when all i want is information or help. whether you have just cause to be suspicious of your wife's activities can not be determined by "hey you", avoid red herrings when possible.


----------



## knightRider

Xenote, point taken, thanks.


----------



## Married but Happy

There are big differences amongst "Hey, you", "Hey! You!", and "Heeey, you!" Tone - and circumstances - matter. Whether the situation is serious or humorous. Unless the rest of the content is flirtatious, you really can't tell anything.


----------



## arbitrator

*One of the girl's that used this line with me was a Minnesota gal that I met and dated for a while not long after Divorce No. 1 was consumated, and nearly fell head over heels about. I kind of thought that it's usage was a regional sort of thing, because I had never previously heard girls from the South ever use it.

For a Southern boy, I thought that it's usage was cool and refreshing to the point that I reciprocated its use with her ~ which she really seemed to love!

But frankly, I would never use it on a woman unless I was somewhat serious about my intentions with her!

The only other gal to use it was an out-of-state co-employee at the Federal agency I worked for, but I really do not think that she was using it to come on to me, as I truly think that she just had trouble remembering my name! Being rather unattractive herself, she also had a quite unattractive BF at the time that I never heard her use that line on, at least whenever he was present with her at social functions!

*


----------



## that.girl

arbitrator said:


> *The one girl that used this line with me was a Minnesota gal that I met and dated for a while not long after Divorce No. 1 was consumated, and nearly fell head over heels about. I kind of thought that it's usage was a regional sort of thing, because I had never previously heard girls from the South ever use it.
> 
> For a Southern boy, I thought that it's usage was cool and refreshing to the point that I reciprocated its use with her ~ which she really seemed to love!
> 
> But frankly, I would never use it on a woman unless I was somewhat serious about my intentions with her!*


As a Southern girl, i can honestly say i've never used the phrase "Hey, you!" in the context the OP asks about. Maybe it is a little bit regional!


----------



## MountainRunner

Married but Happy said:


> There are big differences amongst "Hey, you", "Hey! You!", and "Heeey, you!" Tone - and circumstances - matter. Whether the situation is serious or humorous. Unless the rest of the content is flirtatious, you really can't tell anything.


This...Tone, inflection, context all play a part. If it is enunciated like when my wife says it it to me in her sultry, low voice, then "yes" it is flirtatious. If it is said in a rather "matter of fact" tone...probably not.


----------



## Workathome

knightRider said:


> Interesting, as many men say this is a come on and when a women says this to a man it means they want them...
> 
> So I suppose the questions really are:
> 
> 1. women who have used this phrase on men, was it a flirty / affectionate term for a man?
> 
> 2. Guys who have received this comment, did it lead to a date or relationship?


Way to generalize....

It really makes me wonder what world the people of TAM live in.

It should be required for people to list their location, since cultural norms seem vastly different depending on geographical locale.


----------



## knightRider

Workathome said:


> Way to generalize....
> 
> It really makes me wonder what world the people of TAM live in.
> 
> It should be required for people to list their location, since cultural norms seem vastly different depending on geographical locale.


London, UK 

I did search the web before posting and the "male" sites said this was a flirting technique used by women.

Seems like the term means different things to men and women. Thought I'd post a question and see replies from people's experience. Oh and I heard my wife say it...


----------



## manfromlamancha

I guess my response was coloured by your other thread. Her locking her computer, and being very disrespectful to you in making fun of you with her colleague who she was over-communicating with. It wasn't until you worked on yourself did she start paying attention to you. Just curious, does she make more money than you?

She sounds like someone who wouldn't think twice about pursuing another man for sex if she felt like it and because she felt entitled to it. Your "manning up" (I am not a big fan of this term but the 180 does work) has proven to get her attention which is a good indicator of her character and feelings towards you.

You need to keep it up and be vigilant at the same time and DO NOT BE AFRAID TO DROP HER FLAT if you discover anything untoward. I am not saying to divorce her just now - just don't be afraid of doing this.


----------



## knightRider

manfromlamancha, thanks for your detailed response :smthumbup:

Yes, I am possibly over cautious but circumstances have led me this way...

She does earn more than me. We appear to be getting on better, but I am remaining very vigilant. I have made my boudaries clear. I will be watching her actions and snooping for a while as this is probably the best way to proceed given her actions...


----------



## manfromlamancha

I think you are on the right track and keep it up. I also wanted to add that her making more than you may also be adding to her sense of entitlement etc. I know its a tough thing to hear, but women tend to respect their husbands less if they earn more than their husbands. Sad fact.

In any case once she sees that you won't put up with her sh!t in any form, she will either straighten up and do what she needs to do to repair her relationship with you (pi$$) or get off the pot.

One of the things that I would have her do (if possible and as part of R) is explain to the "colleague" how she was completely wrong about you, how you are what she wants and that he (colleague) was a [email protected] to encourage her to say what she was saying and join in rather than advise her to go and speak with you about it.

The day she does that (and means it) then you know she is truly sorry. Not that I expect it to happen in a month of Sundays at the moment.


----------



## knightRider

manfromlamancha,

you are correct, she simply denies it all. Anyway I have told her that laughing boy is out of bounds. Relationships can be hard to maintain 

Thanks again for your input.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> The only time I've ever used 'hey you' to start a conversation is when I couldn't remember the name of the person I'm talking to or if I can't recognize the person on the other side the phone ( but they know me).
> 
> OP, I wouldn't dwell on this too much.


OP I couldn't resist... reminded me of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHiSpiXbqE0


----------



## heartsbeating

I don't recall ever saying 'Hey you'... opening with 'Heya' is common for me particularly written. I personally wouldn't think much of this. Tone is a good point. It could even be a stern tone. Changes the context completely.

Why do you need to remain vigilant?


----------



## NextTimeAround

My other taught me not to say "Hey, you" in any tone of voice. It sounds rude and ignorant. Now that I am an adult, that's at least one thing that my mother and I agree on.


----------



## knightRider

NextTimeAround, I have to be vigilant due to wife's past behaviour, detailed in thread, "..Boundaries and breaking them."


----------



## Blondilocks

NextTimeAround said:


> My other taught me not to say "Hey, you" in any tone of voice. It sounds rude and ignorant. Now that I am an adult, that's at least one thing that my mother and I agree on.


Same here. In Michigan, where I grew up, the ever-ready standard adult rebuke was "Hay is for horses".


----------



## MountainRunner

heartsbeating said:


> ...opening with 'Heya' is common for me particularly written


*grins* And here I thought I was the only one who opened my correspondence with that (if it is informal correspondence of course).


----------



## bastian36

knightRider said:


> Seen the above comment discsussed elsewhere.
> 
> What do you guys think. Is it flirty when a woman starts conversation with a man by saying, "hey you" ?


Nope.


----------



## D.H Mosquito

Depends on the woman and situation, there is a female at our volunteer/charity organisation who greets people like this rather than a hi, depends on what else she is doing that is raising your suspicions


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening all
To me "flirting" covers a very wide range of behavior. 

There is what a call "casual" flirting - where you are just trying to make the other person feel a brief sense of being appreciated / desired, but there is no intent to carry it further. 

Then there is "serious" flirting where you are trying to escalate toward sexual activity.


----------



## SpinDaddy

knightRider said:


> Seen the above comment discsussed elsewhere.
> What do you guys think. Is it flirty when a woman starts conversation with a man by saying, "hey you" ?


It can be tricky but the key is generally found in the second part of the communication following the “Hey you”. I’ve posted a few examples but I’m sure others will be able to share some as well:

*FLIRTING:*

Hey you . . . . big hunky stud, take me to bed or loose me forever
.
*NOT FLIRTING:*

Hey you . . . . that’s my foot you’re stepping on.
Hey you . . . . slack-jawed Neanderthal get your hand off my a*ss.

_* I’d also discount any “Hey you” as non-flirtatious if it is coming from a woman who also refers to you as Sug. or Hun. Odds are she's being friendly in a Mid-western diner waitress kind of way. _


----------



## staarz21

I say "hey you" to almost everyone. 

If I haven't seen someone in a while, "Hey you! omg! It's been forever!"

If I can't remember someone's name, "Hey.....you."

If I am talking to my kids, "Hey you...kid number 2....clean up your blocks or mommy is going hulk on everyone!"

If I am talking to my H, "Hey you! Wanna get dirty tonight - and clean out the garage?" 

So, I wouldn't put it out there as a "flirting" only phrase.


----------



## knightRider

Thanks for the feedback guys. :smthumbup:


----------



## manfromlamancha

You never updated to say what happened with the last conversation you heard on the VAR (I am assuming a good quality VAR or the pen VAR) where she and POSOM were making fun of you and laughing at you and then you told him to stay away from your wife. What happened ?

Did she bring it up? Did you ? Did the other guy stay away as told to ? How did you end that episode or did you rug sweep it ? (not trying to be rude or provocative, just asking)


----------



## knightRider

manfromlamancha said:


> You never updated to say what happened with the last conversation you heard on the VAR (I am assuming a good quality VAR or the pen VAR) where she and POSOM were making fun of you and laughing at you and then you told him to stay away from your wife. What happened ?
> 
> Did she bring it up? Did you ? Did the other guy stay away as told to ? How did you end that episode or did you rug sweep it ? (not trying to be rude or provocative, just asking)


I did bring it up. She says she did not talk about me, basically denial. My mistake for deleting the conversation. Obviously this could have gone underground, but I am keeping tabs.

Not heard anything else. I am monitoring the VAR and phone tracking. VAR is really useful as it gives nearly 12 hrs recording.


----------



## manfromlamancha

So she openly lied to you! You should start making plans to split up just based on that - no need to spy further. 

I would tell her that "I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. I am not asking you if you did. I am asking what you are going to do about the fact that you behaved in such a scummy way. You either own it and show real remorse or else we have nowhere else to go apart from splitting up. Your choice."


----------



## knightRider

Is that enough to have a divorce?

I have no evidence of physical affair. Yes talking to a bloke and laughing is poor but it does not mean that they had sex.

If she really has stopped contact then moving on is best?


----------



## manfromlamancha

No it's not evidence of an affair - it might be a red flag at best, in that department. However, it is evidence of extreme disrespect for you with some turd who she shouldn't be talking or joking about you with, and then, the real problem to compound this, the blatantly lying to your face about it. Why would you stay married to someone like that (cheating or no cheating)?


----------



## tacoma

knightRider said:


> Interesting, as many men say this is a come on and when a women says this to a man it means they want them...


Is this a thing?

My wife has always addressed me this way.

Nearly every text from her begins this way.


----------



## knightRider

manfromlamancha said:


> No it's not evidence of an affair - it might be a red flag at best, in that department. However, it is evidence of extreme disrespect for you with some turd who she shouldn't be talking or joking about you with, and then, the real problem to compound this, the blatantly lying to your face about it. Why would you stay married to someone like that (cheating or no cheating)?


Where do we draw the line on lieing? We all lie.
If I catch her sleeping with another man then it's finished.


----------



## manfromlamancha

But is it normal to show that amount of disrespect? To your husband/wife? With another man's help? One that you are constantly calling?


----------



## knightRider

You do have a point. Truth is the VAR recording of her laughing at me has cut me and will not go. The minimum she needs to do is own up to the conversation. This is not happening so there is nothing to build the relationship on. Time to call it a day on the marriage.


----------



## manfromlamancha

knightRider said:


> You do have a point. Truth is the VAR recording of her laughing at me has cut me and will not go. The minimum she needs to do is own up to the conversation. This is not happening so there is nothing to build the relationship on. Time to call it a day on the marriage.


So this is exactly what I am talking about. If she had "strayed" a little that would be bad enough. But for some reason, laughing at me along with some other [email protected] is even more disrespectful and unloving. I don't put up with this from other people, why would I put up with it from my "wife". Of course, she needs to say that (a) she did it; (b) it was a wrong thing to do and she explains what her thinking was at the time even if this is hard to do; and (c) she shows true remorse for it (like she is genuinely sorry and makes it up to you as I said earlier, by telling the turd that she made a mistake and that other men couldn't be half the man you were) etc.

And again, as I said before, I don't see that happening in a month of Sundays at the moment. Hence perhaps a divorce scare might set her thinking straight one way or another.


----------



## ntamph

Funny story:

When I first met my girlfriend, we were with mutual friends and the topic was about our grade school experiences. I said that because I went to Catholic school and we could only go to the bathroom at certain times I got into the habit of holding it in even when I wanted to go. I keep doing this and I'm afraid of prostate cancer. Her response: "You just need to find a girl who will give you a prostate massage!"

I got the message.


----------



## manfromlamancha

ntamph said:


> Funny story:
> 
> When I first met my girlfriend, we were with mutual friends and the topic was about our grade school experiences. I said that because I went to Catholic school and we could only go to the bathroom at certain times I got into the habit of holding it in even when I wanted to go. I keep doing this and I'm afraid of prostate cancer. Her response: "You just need to find a girl who will give you a prostate massage!"
> 
> I got the message.


I didn't - what was the message ? And is it somehow connected to OP ? Just asking.


----------

