# Not sure how to move forward



## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

About 5 months ago I found out that my husband was emailing and texting a woman. A lot of the emails were sexual in nature. This is a woman that I was suspicious of a year or so ago but he successfully reassured me back then that there was nothing going on. I confronted him about the affair and I had proof. He denied it and then admitted it saying she wouldn't leave him alone. Of course I don't believe that and I believe that I was probably right about my suspicions about this woman that I had a year ago. Here's the problem (other than the obvious one), I've asked him a few questions about his affair...if they met up, how long it had been going on, etc., and he refuses to answer any question I have. I have no access to his email or phone to allay any fears that he is continuing on with the affair. He says he is not talking with her or any other woman but I have to take his word for it. It's impossible for me to take the word of someone who betrayed me as true. Crazy right? I can't get the few conversations I read between them out of my mind because there is no "healing behavior" coming from him. I asked him why he would do that and he basically said he liked the extra attention and thrill. How do I get past this and trust him again? It's hard for me not to emotionally withdraw from our marriage, the affair blindsided me completely. I would think he would 've somewhat transparent to gain back my trust, but he isn't. Any advice?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Can’t reconcile on your own. If he won’t admit the truth, withholds transparency, and won’t do anything to fix this, he’s not a good candidate to reconcile with and he only regrets getting caught. Best to just focus on yourself for now. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. Chances are, he’s still in contact with her somehow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unless he is honest and tells you what he did how can there be any reconciliation? In your place I would say ok, you tell me what happened or I want you to leave, and you must go through with it if he refuses. 
The trust is shattered and it will take complete honesty and openness and lots of work on his part to begin the long process of rebuilding the trust. To be honest at the moment he doesn't sound sorry or repentant, and what happens when another lady comes long and gives him more 'attention and thrill?'


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Agree with the previous responses completely.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Find a post by EleGirl, and follow the rules of the 180 in it.

You need to proceed with a divorce. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to step up and act like he wants to reconcile. Right now he is acting incorrectly. 

Your only recourse is to shock him into realizing he is going to loose you if he doesn't change his ways. If he doesn't change, then you are truly better off without him, in my opinion.

But that is totally your choice, and my opinion is worthless. Except to me!


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Find a post by EleGirl, and follow the rules of the 180 in it.
> 
> You need to proceed with a divorce. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to step up and act like he wants to reconcile. Right now he is acting incorrectly.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I will check out the Elegirl post


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Unless he is honest and tells you what he did how can there be any reconciliation? In your place I would say ok, you tell me what happened or I want you to leave, and you must go through with it if he refuses.
> The trust is shattered and it will take complete honesty and openness and lots of work on his part to begin the long process of rebuilding the trust. To be honest at the moment he doesn't sound sorry or repentant, and what happens when another lady comes long and gives him more 'attention and thrill?'



Thank you. I agree with you.....and honestly think I kind of know this deep down, but very much helps to "hear" it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Affairs are addictive. The junkies will lie and hidea and don't want to give up the highs, although it might destroy their lives. Tough love frequently is required. And there is no guarantee.

First step is to set out boundaries, what are acceptable to you in the marriage. The junkie was keeping the junk in a locked drawer. There should be no reason for secrecy or privacy in that drawer, but the junkie is keeping the drawer locked, and says you'll just have to trust the junkie. Whether it be a junkie or a cheater, the behavior of the addiction is damaging your relationship.

So where and when do you draw the line? Can you look back and remember a problem in your life where you said, "wait and see," and then later realized you just wasted time, there was no way that problem was going to resolve on its own? Well, the cheating, what your husband is doing, is that , kind of problem. You can wait and see, but if you do, you are just wasting your time. His behavior is not going to resolve by itself.

I think it's important to realize the extent of what you can do to make your husband change. Which is zero. He has to decide, you can't control him. You can control yourself. The wasting of time of wait and see is not wasting time to make him do the right thing, it is the wasting of time for YOU to do the right thing FOR YOU. And talk is cheap. Ultimatums, threats, "I'll leave you if you don't do this or don't do that" will do nothing. NOTHING. That is just talk, and talk is cheap. The best thing you can do is just do it. Give him the divorce papers. Tell him you're going forward, here's what he can do to try to get you to stop, when you feel he really is full on board, at this time, you would end it, but you make no guarantee that you'll continue to feel that way as he continues to cause your anger and resentment grow.

Also, it seems you want the marriage to work out, both in word and action, but your husband says in word that he wants the marraige, but in action he is telling you he does not want the marriage. Or at least not the same marriage you are in. Think about cheating. He could have divorced you if he was unhappy. If there is another woman who makes him happier and meets his needs better, he could have gone on to her. Cheating is to break the rules. The cheater wants to have BOTH, not one or the other. Wouldn't it be great if six other guys all were telling you how sexy you were, how much they all love you? Well, maybe not, for you, because you are secure in yourself. But you can understand maybe how that can be a little heady for a guy, with two women who both want him.

You can read here and you'll see almost all the spouses who are cheated on, they hold on way too long hoping the cheater will re-commit. Hope is not a plan. It doesn't work.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Is the other woman married, does she have kids? Who knows about the affair - your family, his family, your or his friends, or the other woman's significant other?

When do junkies stop? My observation, some never do. Others, maybe most, it's when they hit rock bottom. They also might need support them to do the right thing.

Addiction, like cheating, is a feeling. It is a fantasy, an escape from reality. In the affair, there is no mundane chores, no financial pressures, no disciplining the kids. Just love and sex and good feelings. So this is what you're dealing with, a guy who wants that and doesn't have enough character or values for monogamy and marriage vows. I'd like to believe that people could make bad decisions, realize it, and correct themselves, and make amends. But I have been around long enough to know that many lack the character or just don't share the same values.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is stonewalling you, trying to control how everything plays out.

He's not living your life, though, so he can't really control you unless you let him.

I would take to heart the all-too-true edict that 'you have to be willing to lose it to save it,' and file for divorce. If he wakes up at that point, you can tell him you need complete honesty and transparency to even consider staying in the marriage.

Self-respect 101, in my opinion.

(And remember, you can just start your divorce research by checking your state's online divorce info. Print it out. Let him see it.)


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> Affairs are addictive. The junkies will lie and hidea and don't want to give up the highs, although it might destroy their lives. Tough love frequently is required. And there is no guarantee.
> 
> First step is to set out boundaries, what are acceptable to you in the marriage. The junkie was keeping the junk in a locked drawer. There should be no reason for secrecy or privacy in that drawer, but the junkie is keeping the drawer locked, and says you'll just have to trust the junkie. Whether it be a junkie or a cheater, the behavior of the addiction is damaging your relationship.
> 
> ...



Excellent. Thank you


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

alte Dame said:


> He is stonewalling you, trying to control how everything plays out.
> 
> He's not living your life, though, so he can't really control you unless you let him.
> 
> ...


Good advice. Thank you


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Notintheface said:


> A lot of the emails were sexual in nature. This is a woman that I was suspicious of a year or so ago but he successfully reassured me back then that there was nothing going on. I confronted him about the affair and I had proof. He denied it and then admitted it


 So he told you a year ago to trust him when he reassured you “that there was nothing going on” with this other women, he continued to deny it more recently, and only admitted to the affair when you showed him proof. You must move forward with the understanding that your husband is an admitted liar and a cheat.



Notintheface said:


> I’ve asked him a few questions about his affair...if they met up, how long it had been going on, etc., and he refuses to answer any question I have. I have no access to his email or phone to allay any fears that he is continuing on with the affair. He says he is not talking with her or any other woman but I have to take his word for it.


 Your husband, the admitted liar and cheat is not remorseful at all, will not answer any questions about his affair, will not give you access to his email or phone to allay your legitimate concerns about him continuing to cheat, is now giving you the same false assurance that he gave you last year, and is again telling you like last year that you must “take his word for it”. Really? Do you even need to ask us if he is still in the affair?

Question: How does a cheater say “screw you”?
Answer: They say “trust me”.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of notintheface
> I asked him why he would do that and he basically said he liked the extra attention and thrill. How do I get past this and trust him again? It's hard for me not to emotionally withdraw from our marriage, the affair blindsided me completely. I would think he would 've somewhat transparent to gain back my trust, but he isn't. Any advice?


He values extra attention and thrill over his love and commitment to you. How do you get over this and trust him again? You do not as long as he is not truly remorseful and repentant.

My advice is for you to impose severe consequences on him in hopes that he will be jarred out of his selfishness. Also, make a plan for YOU to be built back up in body, mind, and spirit. You cannot put your whole emotions and spirit into a person that violated love, commitment, trust, discipline but chooses selfishness. You have to become more self-reliant as mankind is very prone to selfishness and you are on your own in many situations.

*I know that may not be what you want to hear but you can become happy with or without him*.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good advice given. It hurts like hell, and I'd very difficult to totally rebuild your life without your spouse. It can be done. Lots and lots of people have done it, including myself.

Two things: 1) your husband is STILL cheating on you. I'm certain of it.
2). He will do it again, even if he stops with the current one, should you pressure him with divorce.

Why do I say this? Because he literally told you that he likes cheating.

When he refuses to show you his phone or email, be SURE its because he has something to hide. He's rubbing your face in this, and feels totally confident you won't do **** about it. Prove him wrong.

I'm sorry. You don't have a marriage anymore. End it legally, too.


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

Mr Blunt said:


> > Quote of notintheface
> > I asked him why he would do that and he basically said he liked the extra attention and thrill. How do I get past this and trust him again? It's hard for me not to emotionally withdraw from our marriage, the affair blindsided me completely. I would think he would 've somewhat transparent to gain back my trust, but he isn't. Any advice?
> 
> 
> ...


You're absolutely right. I am not dependent on him financially or any of that. I think I just needed some reassurance that my feelings are valid. Good advice. Thank you.


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## Notintheface (Feb 9, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Good advice given. It hurts like hell, and I'd very difficult to totally rebuild your life without your spouse. It can be done. Lots and lots of people have done it, including myself.
> 
> Two things: 1) your husband is STILL cheating on you. I'm certain of it.
> 2). He will do it again, even if he stops with the current one, should you pressure him with divorce.
> ...


Good advice. Thank you.


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