# gf used racial terms towards me but wants me back



## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

My ex-gf keeps on pestering me to get back with her, after using some racist words towards me. 
she's white and I'm black, and she said both the n-word and c-word.
we had an argument over my work space (since we both work from home) and things got heated.
I just packed my computer and phone, and left for a hotel for a few days. 
She then kept pestering me daily - crying how she was sorry and she loved me. 
She even came to my hotel room and was balling out. I felt pity for her, so let her sleep in my bed and i slept on the hotel couch.
would i be a fool to take her back?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

tenjohn said:


> My ex-gf keeps on pestering me to get back with her, after using some racist words towards me.
> she's white and I'm black, and she said both the n-word and c-word.
> we had an argument over my work space (since we both work from home) and things got heated.
> I just packed my computer and phone, and left for a hotel for a few days.
> ...


She called you a nit? (Blazing Saddles reference)

Kidding aside, you referred to her as an ex, and she showed her true colours.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

She sounds lovely, yes, you'd be a fool.
Not married, no kids. Bye love, I wish you well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Those are despicable things for someone to say to anyone, but someone they’re supposed to love? Nope.

Something to ponder, she can apologise for saying it, but she cannot apologise for THINKING it.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I wouldn't take her back. Once a person voices some racial slurs, they are showing their racist thoughts. She'll voice them again once you have another argument. One has to preserve one's own dignity.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

coquille said:


> I wouldn't take her back. Once a person voices some racial slurs, they are showing their racist thoughts. She'll voice them again once you have another argument. One has to preserve one's own dignity.


She’s dating a black guy and she’s still a racist? Geez. People get angry and say whatever they can think if that hurts the most. Doesn’t make it right, but doesn’t make her a racist. Racism—- the accusation that can’t be refuted.....


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s dating a black guy and she’s still a racist? Geez. People get angry and say whatever they can think if that hurts the most. Doesn’t make it right, but doesn’t make her a racist. Racism—- the accusation that can’t be refuted.....


I've known people who date or are even married to brown or black people and are still racists. They express a lot of racist thoughts in front of everyone. Being romantically with a person of different ethnicity or skin color doesn't mean the person in question is not racist. Losing control doesn't excuse the use of racist terms, imho.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s dating a black guy and she’s still a racist? Geez. People get angry and say whatever they can think if that hurts the most. Doesn’t make it right, but doesn’t make her a racist. Racism—- the accusation that can’t be refuted.....


Some people very consciously choose partners that they deem beneath them based on whatever criteria. She may have thought the OP was going to cave; consider how lucky he is to date a white woman when he's black and so on.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you call her your ex , not us it has nothing to do with her calling you the n word the c word or any other words , it has to do with you like many people working from home saw the real person they are with and your happy to be away , she now is going through the stages of living without the relationship crush and wants to give it the kiss of life , she will get over it faster than you so be careful hold your head up high go cold turkey and keep her as your ex ,


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

tenjohn said:


> My ex-gf keeps on pestering me to get back with her, after using some racist words towards me.
> she's white and I'm black, and she said both the n-word and c-word.
> we had an argument over my work space (since we both work from home) and things got heated.
> I just packed my computer and phone, and left for a hotel for a few days.
> ...


What is the context that would allow you to take her back, after saying such things? Did it really surprise you when she did so? Was it out of character? Does it feel like she has some degree of control over you? I just can't imagine saying something that hurtful to someone you love. And even if it doesn't seem like that big a deal to you today, how might you feel down the road?


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## carpentermike (Jun 14, 2021)

mate even putting the racial things aside you need to get out. big red flags going on there. Try to imagine what your future would be like.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> What is the context that would allow you to take her back, after saying such things? Did it really surprise you when she did so? Was it out of character? Does it feel like she has some degree of control over you? I just can't imagine saying something that hurtful to someone you love. And even if it doesn't seem like that big a deal to you today, how might you feel down the road?


it was a shock since i didn't thinks she was that way.

i've decided not to go with it, and if she's that way then I don't need her.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

tenjohn said:


> and she said both the n-word and c-word.


What’s the c-word?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ten, if she were Black, would you still ditch her for calling you the N word? That aside, nobody should tolerate a hell of a lot of name calling. My guess is this ain't the first time this kind of thing has happened.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Ten, if she were Black, would you still ditch her for calling you the N word? That aside, nobody should tolerate a hell of a lot of name calling. My guess is this ain't the first time this kind of thing has happened.


 it is why I think there was more than a woman having a blow up over not picking things up once , not saying he or she is wrong but it has to be more than just calling someone a n or a c


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

"In anger veritas"...or was it "in wine"?
Drop a racist, gain a life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t understand what the c-word is either....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t understand what the c-word is either....


Shortened version of racoon I suspect. Don't hear that one too often anymore.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm sorry she did that to you. How ugly. 

She doesn't respect you. You can't keep your dignity and self-esteem intact when you try to continue a 'loving' relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. 

Show her the door.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is why I think there was more than a woman having a blow up over not picking things up once , not saying he or she is wrong but it has to be more than just calling someone a n or a c


If you read the other post he created you will see he is a very angry person and is easily triggered. No name calling is appropriate, but I feel we are getting a very one sided version of this story. Could be wrong, but as I said, the other post leads me to believe there is much more the the story.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tenjohn said:


> *My ex-gf keeps on pestering me* to get back with her, after *using some racist words towards me.*
> she's white and I'm black, and she said both the n-word and c-word.
> we had an argument over my work space (since we both work from home) and things got heated.
> I just packed my computer and phone, and left for a hotel for a few days.
> ...


You are an adult and get to choose what you want in your life. I see some conflicts in your post. You clearly start by saying she is an ex-gf. Then at the end, you ask if you should take her back. When I read your post I am struck by someone who has decided someone is an ex-gf and then isn't so sure by asking if he should take her back. Ultimately, that is your choice and one you will need to make. If you are unsure, you need to understand your own emotions and you need to talk to her about your feelings.

If for some reason you do take her back, now it the time to draw and talk about certain personal boundaries that she must never cross if she wants a relationship with you. 

You also need to understand that when people are in a relationship, they learn each others "hot buttons." What you perceived as her being racist, may have just been knowing how you would react to being called many different things and she knew that those words would hurt you the most. Sometimes when lovers argue they say the most hurtful things that will do the most damage, truth be damned. 

Again, it is your choice as to what you want to do. If you do want to get back with her, now would be a good time for some "couples counseling" and some joint training in how to fight fair. Gottman trained counselors would probably be good at how to respectfully "fight" or de-escalate and treat each other wish respect.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmmmm. racist?
we are the product of our environment...what we see and hear every day, and the way we were brought up, by our parents and friends we kept.
So maybe she was exposed to racist talk in the past, or heard it on some rap music, and in a moment of anger when she was not thinking straight, she blurted it out?

sounds like she is pretty sorry about it right now.
If i were you (and i can only imagine how this might hurt you), i would sit down and calmly talk it out. it might be that she is not racist, but just shouted out something from the past without thinking?


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

tenjohn said:


> My ex-gf keeps on pestering me to get back with her, after using some racist words towards me.
> she's white and I'm black, and she said both the n-word and c-word.
> we had an argument over my work space (since we both work from home) and things got heated.
> I just packed my computer and phone, and left for a hotel for a few days.
> ...


If she was black, would you be offended by her using the n-word? If not, you are the racist. I despise this double standard but it is something society conditions so I do understand it.

Her actions show that she isn't really racist, but she did want to hurt you. Detach, think it through, and figure out if you can get through this. 

How was the relationship besides this fight?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

If you've never used those words, don't take her back. If you have, consider taking her back?


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> If she was black, would you be offended by her using the n-word? If not, you are the racist. I despise this double standard but it is something society conditions so I do understand it.
> 
> Her actions show that she isn't really racist, but she did want to hurt you. Detach, think it through, and figure out if you can get through this.
> 
> How was the relationship besides this fight?


I'm not American. in our country, we don't use those words that much. Though as I understand, there's a difference between the "soft a" and "hard r". The "soft a" is what rappers and black americans genrally use, which isn't racist. 
That said, I've dumped her. We've decided to stay friends, but she has progressive politics, and seems a bit hypocritical. So I don't need her anymore.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> hmmmmm. racist?
> we are the product of our environment...what we see and hear every day, and the way we were brought up, by our parents and friends we kept.
> So maybe she was exposed to racist talk in the past, or heard it on some rap music, and in a moment of anger when she was not thinking straight, she blurted it out?
> 
> ...


Maybe. But her family aren't' racist. She comes from a town that's pretty mixed culturally. 
Either way, I've decided not to take her back.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Well as a recap:

- We talked about this, but I decided not to pursue it. I felt I couldn't trust her, since I thought she seemed quite accepting and progressive. She said that she did it to bring me down, and she was sorry. She realised it made her look bad based on what she believes. 

- We've decided to remain friends. To be fair, we're both kind of loners and dont' have other friends apart from each other, but I don't think I can be close to her as before. She has autism, so this is a reason for her in that regard. For me, I'm just very individualistic. We spend most of our time with our families and acquaintances. Incidentally, we met doing some charity work for a country parks body. Our birthdays are both in August, so we agreed to treat each other to dinners.


So it's ended and we're slowly getting over it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife has called me an a-hole, piece of chite, son of a batch, and almost anything else over the period of 30 years. People say stuff when they are angry.

Sticks and Stones ..... who cares.
But your offended right ??? 🙄


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

tenjohn said:


> I'm not American. in our country, we don't use those words that much. Though as I understand, there's a difference between the "soft a" and "hard r". The "soft a" is what rappers and black americans genrally use, which isn't racist.
> That said, I've dumped her. We've decided to stay friends, but she has progressive politics, and seems a bit hypocritical. So I don't need her anymore.


Good, because she will chase away your dating prospects.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife has called me an a-hole, piece of chite, son of a batch, and almost anything else over the period of 30 years. People say stuff when they are angry.
> 
> Sticks and Stones ..... who cares.
> But your offended right ??? 🙄


those aren't racist terms. to equate the two is silly. 
I know my question offended you, but anybody can post here. If that offends you, so be it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife has called me an a-hole, piece of chite, son of a batch, and almost anything else over the period of 30 years. People say stuff when they are angry.
> 
> Sticks and Stones ..... who cares.
> But your offended right ??? 🙄


Those are pretty horrible names as well.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

I like how two of my posts were removed, but in response to harsher posts. Biased mods, or friend-friend thing. that's fine, i know the score now


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Those are pretty horrible names as well.


i'd argue some phrases have more weigth to them. to equate all disses as equally bad is false, imho. but i've said my piece on his intentions.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Those are pretty horrible names as well.


Well yeah but my point is that people say things that they don’t really believe. If you want to hold on to it forever like a wounded puppy then that’s not healthy. Outburst are almost expected when people are under relational distress.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

tenjohn said:


> those aren't racist terms. to equate the two is silly.
> I know my question offended you, but anybody can post here. If that offends you, so be it.


Quite the opposite. I’m not offended one bit by your question. I just have a hard time believing that someone who was DATING YOU is a racist. People say things when they are hurt that they don’t really mean.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tenjohn said:


> I like how two of my posts were removed, but in response to harsher posts. Biased mods, or friend-friend thing. that's fine, i know the score now


*MODERATOR NOTE:-*

Your posts were deleted because they quoted previously made posts that were deleted. Those previously made posts were deleted because they were not in accord with the board rules.

There was no bias by the moderators.


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## JAHnonymous (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Shortened version of racoon I suspect. Don't hear that one too often anymore.


Thank you, I was going to say “raccoon” too, without the rac. You hear it today with the political BS now, black conservatives being accused of “selling out” & such. It implies black person who caters toward white person like their “master” during slavery.

If this ex was being really hurtful, she could have used it in context of their relationship. Who knows.
Agree sounds like he’s done with her, no big loss.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

tenjohn said:


> ose words that much. Though as I understand, there's a difference between the "soft a" and "hard r". The "soft a" is what rappers and black americans genrally use, which isn't racist.
> That said, I've dumped her. We've de


The soft a hard r thing is just about how you speak. Some people articulate words better and different cultures pronounce words differently - think about how Americans pronounce words vs Brits. Are you saying that a black person using the "hard r" would offend you?

And IMO it is racist to use a word, then get offended when another race uses that word. 

Anyways, good luck moving on from her. It may be for the best anyways.


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