# When you're the cheater...from a woman's perspective



## gonegirl (Jul 8, 2015)

I strongly believe that, in some cases, there is a correlation between a person's decision to cheat and no self esteem. Let me explain.

In my own life, I never felt good about myself. And without going into my childhood, young adulthood, etc., let's just say that no self esteem was so engrained in my daily life and daily thoughts, that it was automatic. I didn't even know that I looked for validation in every aspect of my life. I had this void that could never be filled. And to make things even worse, when I couldn't have that void filled by my husband...I started to resent him! And anyone in my life who didn't make me feel good or gratified in some way. 

When you have no self esteem, it doesn't matter what other people tell you. If you're complimented or hit on by guys, it doesn't boost your self esteem because you have no self esteem to begin with! It's simply uncomfortable. Like being unable to take a compliment. But...if someone pays attention to you and makes you feel desirable at the right (or wrong) time - with other issues going on, like your sex life with your husband is not existent, you simply exist with your husband, you don't live with him, you have resentment toward him for past issues, etc...on top of not being able to talk to your husband because in your no self esteem existence, you feel like you don't have voice or you don't know how to use it...then disaster happens.

And I'm pretty smart, I knew cheating was bad and the wrong choice, but I lied to myself to make it ok. I told myself I deserved to feel this way (though that feeling of being desired is temporary in this situation - I'll add more to that later), that my husband was the one married to me and certainly took me for granted, that I just wanted to feel like someone. This new guy met that void at first, then it started going downhill. He was abusive and he was a predator...knew that I didn't feel good about myself (yes you can project that and not even know it), and fed on that to get his way. But the longer I saw him, my no self worth turn to negative self worth, because I always knew I was making the wrong choice, but it was too late to stop, too late to say sorry to my husband. Again, that feeling of being desired goes away quickly because reality is always there and it will surface at some point! So I started to believe that I deserved this unhealthy relationship because I certainly didn't deserve a good guy, not after I cheated on my husband. I ended things with the guy after a few months because I didn't have the energy to feel bad anymore, I didn't want to feel bad anymore, and I knew I had to get healthy. Obviously he wasn't adding anything even remotely good to my life.

So my husband and I talked and after awhile, we both wanted to make it work. Shortly after we decided to reconcile, I lost someone close to me. And when you are that close to losing your spouse and you lose a loved one, you are forced to look at yourself for strength and to keep yourself going. I had found my self worth and learned to validate myself. And guess what, that void in myself was finally filled. Who knew that all this time, I had the missing piece. It wasn't someone else's responsibility to validate me. It was my own responsibility. And I finally did. 

But is it too late for my marriage? I pray that it's not. I know he has to sort through his feelings, accept his hurt and anger, hopefully forgive one day, and want to be with me before he can even see any good in me right now. I'm confident, I can communicate, I can listen, I can trust his words. I can treasure what he gave me and is willing to give me, and appreciate him. It's very sad how much I blamed him, when I didn't appreciate or show my love to him while we were married too. I felt like he took me for granted, but I was guilty of the same thing! I see my mistakes so clearly now, and I no longer play the victim of "My husband should have done this." I take full responsibility that I was a really crappy wife and who knows, maybe if I took the initiative of showing my appreciation of him, he might of done the same and the lull in our marriage would have been a dry spell and not something that broke us. Marriage is 50/50...but it only takes one spouse to cheat and cause so much damage and pain. The spouse who was cheated on doesn't deserve it and the justification that they do is pathetic. If the marriage is that bad, then leave in a respectable way. If it's not that bad, then why make things that bad by cheating? It's a lose/lose for everyone involved, and the spouse who was cheated on is the innocent party who gets the worse pain of all. 

Cheaters aren't always monsters. I know there are repeat offenders, and people who cheat and either don't know why or don't care to understand why they do it, and people who don't care about those they hurt. But I do think it's important to hear the story of the cheater...you might be surprised what led to those choices. And it's not always the heartless ones who end up hurting those they love, and those who love them. And I do know that good people make bad decisions, it's just a matter of learning from those choices and growing from them. 

I'm just praying that he can forgive, and that forgiveness leads to healing, and healing leads to seeing me and who I am now. Because I see him, and I am so in love.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You seem to be fully remorseful of your choice to cheat and recognize that you were wrong to blame your husband.

I think if you're fully willing to comply with everything he needs you to do in order to trust you again - counseling, full disclosure of all details, 100% no contact with the AP, your reconciliation can be successful.

I don't think you're a monster, and I'm a Betrayed Spouse whose husband recently left her and his child to be with the OW. I do think he is a monster - a narcissist who is incapable of empathy to the point of being a sociopath. You clearly have empathy for your husband's pain you caused with your affair.

I wish you both all the best.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

I agree with Nomorebeans. There are many BS's like us here who honestly have dreamed of our WS's feeling remorse and a desire to repair the damage like you do. I hope your reconciliation is successful and you both are able to have a full and happy marriage in the future. 

"If the marriage is that bad, then leave in a respectable way. If it's not that bad, then why make things that bad by cheating? It's a lose/lose for everyone involved..." Yup. I told my husband exactly that. That he'd ruined any chance of us being friends after the divorce by behaving so appallingly.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Thanks for the post gonegirl. A lot of what you wrote rings true with my situation and how my ex cheating wife behaved. I'm certain a lot of the motivations were EXACTLY the same as yours. She even used the same words "I'm not a monster". I didn't think she was a monster. Just another broken woman with self esteem issues seeking validation from men and resenting me because I was apparently responsible for her happiness rather than her be responsible for her own. Whether your husband takes you back or not, I hope you have changed your perspective for you and not for him. That's the only way it will be lasting. Good luck and thank you again for contributing.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

gonegirl said:


> *I had found my self worth and learned to validate myself.* And guess what, that void in myself was finally filled. Who knew that all this time,* I had the missing piece. It wasn't someone else's responsibility to validate me. It was my own responsibility. And I finally did. *


In my experience this makes you a pretty rare bird. You had the intelligence, desire and courage to look inward, comprehend what was going on and fix yourself. Most never get close to this. They are stuck in blaming everyone but themselves and the pattern just continues. Best of luck.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would encourage you to let him go, gg.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you experienced sexual abuse as a child or other traumas, you should seek qualified trauma therapy for yourself. This is for you, not your husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

gonegirl said:


> Cheaters aren't always monsters.


*First*, this is a cop out. I realize that wasn't your intent, but still... I'm kind of tired of reading it.

*Second*, every betrayed spouse that has ever chosen to reconcile (you'll note that I didn't say RUGSWEEP) w/ his or her wayward spouse understands this. But here's the thing...

That sort of makes it worse.

The pain that I was dealt -- and, though to a much lesser degree, over 3 years later, _still_ experience -- as a result of my wife's infidelities was the single most traumatic experience of my life. Additionally, that all of it was essentially handed to me by the person that I love most in this world -- who supposedly reciprocates those feelings -- *only made it WORSE*.

Seriously... it would have been much easier to deal w/ all of it had it been dealt by some nameless, faceless, uncaring, unfeeling, remorseless, dead-from-the-neck-up monster to whom I had zero attachment. But it wasn't... so it wasn't.

Soldiers that have returned from combat w/ PTSD have described their own experiences as a BS as being more traumatic than their wartime experiences.

Those who have lost loved ones (even their spouses) have described their experiences as a BS as being more traumatic than the loss of their loved ones.

Victims of sexual assault have described their experiences as a BS as being more traumatic than their assaults.

This sh*t is real.

*Third*, thank you. It's nice to see a _remorseful_ wayward for a change.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i have seen my friends die in combat. 
i have seen my wife tell me to **** off and then cheat on me... 

personally, none of it compares to laying on a hospital bed and listening to a doctor pronounce my time of death. 


OP, im not sure how you got to the conclusion that it is your responsibility to validate yourself, but it took me dying(or damn near) for it. 

if you are there, you know what to do. 

good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* As a BS, I think that I would be more than happy to totally relinquish my anger and "forgive and forget" greatly provided that my rich, skanky XW would confess her sordid transgressions to me, and to ask my forgiveness for them.

Otherwise, she just continues to remain in firm denial thinking that it will be hidden away from me or her family forever!

But either her cowardice or her fearful denial so aptly demonstrates that she stringently refuses to acknowledge the sad, but truthful fact that three entities know about her marital transgressions for sure: her, her OM, and God!*


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> *First*, this is a cop out. I realize that wasn't your intent, but still... I'm kind of tired of reading it.
> 
> *Second*, every betrayed spouse that has ever chosen to reconcile (you'll note that I didn't say RUGSWEEP) w/ his or her wayward spouse understands this. But here's the thing...
> 
> ...



Spot on Gus.

GG, like Gus, I'd wish that the woman who was my wife had been indeed a monster because then her betrayal would have not been devastating at all. Monsters are divorced from humanity, my wife was very much human with a kind and loving heart towards me, her husband. It was sheer devastation discovering her betrayal. So much that I even briefly contemplated suicide (thank God I didn't). It didn't stop there. The devastation continued with the gut wrenching pain of divorcing her in order for my personal recovery to have a fighting chance of success. 

Like in war, infidelity can leave different levels of damage to body and soul. On one side, some can come out relatively unscathed because of the shielding by emotional detachment that was present before the discovery of the affair. On the other side are those who were wounded so horribly because their spouses never showed lack of love or caring for them. Some have even committed suicide and many that didn't harm themselves, never recovered and became emotionally mutilated walking wounded. Unless they get therapy, they will forever carry their gaping wounds whether they choose marital reconciliation or divorce.

Being betrayed is one of the worst experiences a human being can endure during her/his lifetime. So much so that some people have said that the pain of losing a child or being raped, paled in comparison to the devastation caused by the person they loved, and loved them, above all others. The grief I experienced after my first wife died from cancer when my children were barely teenagers was very, very painful but the pain from my second wife's infidelity was worse. My first wife's cancer was a monstrous thing while my second wife was the woman I loved. A stranger or a thing can hurt you but a love one can devastate you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Taken from Marriage Builders.

[QUOTE="Defending Traditional Marriage" pg 143]An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It’s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)

* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.

* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.

* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.

* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband’s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.

* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.

* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply. 

These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life.

Dr Willard Harley Ph.D[/QUOTE]


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> *First*, this is a cop out. I realize that wasn't your intent, but still... I'm kind of tired of reading it.
> 
> *Second*, every betrayed spouse that has ever chosen to reconcile (you'll note that I didn't say RUGSWEEP) w/ his or her wayward spouse understands this. But here's the thing...
> 
> ...


I agree that using self-esteem issues is a cop out. What about having moral backbone and empathy and the realization that is will destroy the BS. Nowadays everyone has excuses for everything, 
their parents, their history, their lack of self control, their self esteem, their BS, their work pressure, their weakness, their depression, blah blah blah. Enough already


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Honestly the reasons for cheating are endless, you can rationalize and even try to justify the behavior any way you wish. At the end of the day it's a person making a very selfish decision for a few minutes of excitement, and those few minutes can send ripples of pain and destruction thru a family that can last years, or even lifetimes.

OP if you are so capable of being remorseful of your actions, capable of being so self aware that you understand why you cheated then how could you not have the fore sight of how an affair will damage your family? You feel sorry for your self because of what you have done, you feel bad for the pain you caused, yet you still try to reason it away. Depth of character and true empathy for the people in your life would have stopped you from having an affair in the first place. 

What will the excuse be next time? I stubbed my toe and needed someone to hold me? 

If you are in need of attention and self validation thru sex outside of your marriage than you shouldn't be married. You have the right to live your life as you please, but you have no right to cause pain to the people that have bonded their lives to yours.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There are definitely different types of cheaters, but it does not excuse the act itself - ever.

There are also many many different reasons why somebody would have an affair, but the end result is always the same.

Any personality type can have an affair or cheat. A caretaker or a selfish a**hole, an alpha or a beta - it doesn't matter.

They all have one thing in common - low self esteem. Either constantly/perpetually, or at that particular moment in time.

There is no other reason for it other than an ego-boost, somebody who makes you feel important, wanted, desired. If you're getting that in your relationship and you require more, you have a problem you need to fix. If you're not getting that in your relationship... you have a problem you need to fix (or walk away from, at least).

So admitting that you're weak, that you have low self esteem, does not somehow make you a "better" cheater than the rest, imo. It's a step in the right direction, of course, and can help in reconciliation, but it's still no excuse.

At the end of the day, all cheaters are the same and do it for the same base reason. It's just the inherent personality that differs. 

And believe it or not, I'm not that bitter about the subject, even though I lived through it myself. I know that human beings do this sort of thing, and I know (as confirmed by the OP) that people who have self esteem issues will likely always HAVE self esteem issues. No matter how well I treated my ex wife, no matter what I did to build her up, no matter how important I made her feel - it didn't matter. She still sought out validation from others, and she probably still does, despite being married again.

I can't imagine her second husband (her affair partner) offers anything more than I ever did. Different things, sure, but more of an ego boost? More self esteem? Makes her feel better about herself than I did? Nope. Personally, I think people like her end up having these urges for more and more validation, regardless of how much they already have. Because these urges don't go away (and they don't know why), they make the assumption that the grass MUST be greener elsewhere, and they shift the blame for these urges on their current partner. It MUST be them who's not giving them enough, or the right kind, of ego boost. The initial rush of excitement at a new relationship clouds their view of this, and "confirms" that they made the right decision. This justifies their decision, and often leads to resentment from them to you (which happened in my case). Then years later, they find themselves in the same situation again, and the cycle continues. That's not to say my ex wife has, or will, definitely cheat on her current husband, but the likelihood is certainly there, it's just inherent in people like her.

OP will likely always feel this way, and she will struggle again in the future, but at least she now has the prescience to stop herself the next time - and there will be a next time.


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

gonegirl said:


> I strongly believe that, in some cases, there is a correlation between a person's decision to cheat and no self esteem. Let me explain.
> 
> In my own life, I never felt good about myself. And without going into my childhood, young adulthood, etc., let's just say that no self esteem was so engrained in my daily life and daily thoughts, that it was automatic. I didn't even know that I looked for validation in every aspect of my life. I had this void that could never be filled. And to make things even worse, when I couldn't have that void filled by my husband...I started to resent him! And anyone in my life who didn't make me feel good or gratified in some way.
> 
> ...



I've been married 13+ years to my wife. For 12 years, I have never thought of EVER cheating on my wife nor did I had any inclination of wanting to cheat on my wife. Out of nowhere, like snake in the grass, I found myself in an EA and I became a Cheater! Since that regretful event last year, I tried feverously to understand why after so many years of being such a faithful husband, why now? What could have caused me to risk losing my wife, family, my dignity, character, and respect? After reading your post, I gave this thought with serious consideration. Looking back in my childhood, skinny as a rail (5’11’’ – 120 Ibs), bullied, and did not have any girlfriends throughout my primary school years because I felt I no one had any interest in me. I was 20 years old when I had my first girlfriend (and she ask me out). During our courtship, I felt validated by her. She made me feel confident in myself. When she broke it off, I so devastated, I lost more weight that I couldn’t afford to lose. Eventually I came out of it, and met my ex-wife. Fell in love so quick, we got married at dating 9 months and having a child soon after that. During a 2-year marriage, my wife cheated on my 2x. I blamed myself for not being the “person” or “husband” she deserves. After I forgave her, she cheated again and became pregnant by the OM. No one could convince me that I was not the fault. With her living overseas in the military and my family support are the only reasons that save me from falling into an unrecoverable depression. Her physical absence alone allowed me to recover emotionally and physically. I went back to school to pursue my dream career. With each accomplishment “I” achieved, it helped me build up my self-esteem. 

During that time of establishing my career, I didn’t date anyone seriously until I met my current wife. I courted her relentlessly. I felt confident in myself that I was worthy to win her heart. Recollecting the duration of my current marriage, the last five years after our son was born, I began to realize I was beginning to feel inadequate in my marriage. When we started to have significant marital problems, I began to look outside my marriage to fill emotional needs that I was not getting at home. My EA with the OW made me feel validated again. Sadly at the cost of something I treasure more than my career, money, or any material possession I had of value; my Wife’s trust and our 13+ year marriage. 

Thank you, Gonegirl, for writing this post. It’s not a silver bullet that I can answer all my problems, but it certainly is a silver lining for me to evaluate the deepest flawed that I have been carrying around all my life and not realizing it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

As difficult as it maybe for some, I think we "BS's" have to carve out a different category for the cheater who acknowledges guilt, accepts responsibility and asks for forgiveness. That is not to say that a marriage or relationship should continue but I have a very different judgement of them vs. those who lie, deny and shift blame to the bitter end.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Self esteem issues are very real for some people. 

I too, understand the need for validation from other men. I was raised in foster care with no father. I envy my friends their daddy's. 

Most of my friends growing up were neighborhood boys so I naturally get along with men much better than women.

Unless you have lived this, you cannot understand. 

I have a great husband, but I feel like I am constantly looking for something or someone that I have never found. 

Perhaps painting with such a broad brush is not a good thing, especially when you have no idea about the events that shaped that persons life.

Some wounds don't heal, and poor decisions can be made in the search for a Band-Aid.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> I have a great husband, but *I feel like I am constantly looking for something or someone that I have never found.*


LIL, I can't tell you how much these words effected me. 

It made me realize how many people are in your shoes. Unfortunately, most of them seem to believe that what they seek only exists _outside_ of themselves. Kind of like, "If I find the PERFECT person, or that PERFECT 'love', I'll finally be happy!" or "If I win the lottery...If I get that promotion...If I had more friends...If only I had two great parents..."

Their unhappiness/uneasiness seems to come from their sense of LACK, even if they appear to 'have it all' to an outsider. They can have the great spouse, decent house, lots of clothes, two cars in the garage, pets, wonderful kids, great job, lots of friends... and _STILL_ feel like _something's missing_!

Yet, there people out there who have next to nothing, and are incredibly content and happy. 

I wonder what their secret is...


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Thanks for the post gonegirl. A lot of what you wrote rings true with my situation and how my ex cheating wife behaved. I'm certain a lot of the motivations were EXACTLY the same as yours. She even used the same words "I'm not a monster". I didn't think she was a monster. Just another broken woman with self esteem issues seeking validation from men and resenting me because I was apparently responsible for her happiness rather than her be responsible for her own. Whether your husband takes you back or not, I hope you have changed your perspective for you and not for him. That's the only way it will be lasting. Good luck and thank you again for contributing.


Hmm, interesting. That's how my husband worded it when he asked who all I'd told about his affair. I think his exact words were "so you told everyone what a monster I am?" (cue over the phone sad face)


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

I noticed the self validation was reached after you both decided to try and reconcile.

My observation is this. A life time of emotional issue is not resolved in a few minutes, hours, or days.

Are you sure that by being able to reconcile with your H after causing so much pain that you are simply not using this as an even bigger crutch than the affair?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Vega said:


> LIL, I can't tell you how much these words effected me.
> 
> It made me realize how many people are in your shoes. Unfortunately, most of them seem to believe that what they seek only exists _outside_ of themselves. Kind of like, "If I find the PERFECT person, or that PERFECT 'love', I'll finally be happy!" or "If I win the lottery...If I get that promotion...If I had more friends...If only I had two great parents..."
> 
> ...



It's not about how much stuff I have, I have plenty.

It's about an emotional void that gets worse the older I get.

I thought I was a bit crazy until another person with similar circumstances said almost the same thing about her own life.

It has nothing to do with my H, my kids, my possessions...It has everything to do with that missing something, whatever it is, I never really had, but yet I miss it. It's hard to explain. 

It feels like it is always out there, just barely out of reach, but the more I go toward it, the farther it moves away, and I don't even know what that "it" is....


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