# Private lap dances I can’t get over it.



## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Hi everyone,

My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.

I’m feeling hurt and betrayed he knew it was wrong hence the lying. I’ve been going through some awful things personally and I just feel like he has just kicked me when I’m down.

He said the usual it was his friends stag he was best man (the other best man and the stag all participated), it was a bit of fun. He originally said he’d only had one dance but I asked to see his bank statement and he said no, surely if nothing to hide he would show me. He then said that everyone had clubbed together to buy the stag dances and he paid for them for him on his card. I just don’t believe him. 

To make matters worse he came in that night and we had sex, he did some foreplay that he generally wouldn’t do and all I can think is he was thinking that he was doing it to the stripper. Feel like I can’t let him touch me again.

We have 2 kids together we’ve really struggled through lockdown he hasn’t been the most pleasant, abusive even. Our sex life has nose dived through the years not for my want of trying I think he likes to be in control, he’s rejected me many many times so I now don’t initiate as I know it’s pointless. It just feel like it’s the final nail in the coffin.

I just don’t agree (and he knew this) with married men having private dances. I’m sure his other friends would of been sitting just drinking watching the girls dance from afar (also not particularly keen on this) but It’s at least a little more acceptable. I wouldn’t expect him not to go in but at least be respectful to me like his other friends would have been.

I am attractive, I keep myself fit and just feel like he doesn’t appreciate me at all, we have been together for twenty years. Is this the end? What makes it worse is I can imagine he’s probably done this right the way through our marriage no point in asking as he’ll not tell me the truth.

He is now expecting me to just get over it he says that it meant nothing but I can’t get it out of my head, I can’t even have sex with him as I think he is comparing me. He even went to Amsterdam earlier this year and I just feel sick at what could have went on. He says he’s a one of the lads and If I don’t like it I know what I can do. 

Any advice guys would be much appreciated.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

els1978 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ...


A violation of the marriage is not something to just get over. I'm in agreement with you here. 
A spouse who is so casual about their cheating cannot be trusted, even in the least.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


You're not crazy. A man, who loves his woman, who loves him, would not be unaccountable in his use of time or where's he's at.

I can go to the mall, or anywhere, and be gone for half a day and my wife knows that I'm not doing anything other than what I say I'm doing. She trusts me that way and she can trust me that way.

You're going to do some deep thinking about him and the marriage. No faithful husband would leave you in reasonable doubt in regards to activities.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Yeah my trust is broken 😞


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> Yeah my trust is broken 😞


I don't blame you for your trust being broken. He broke it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gymbunni said:


> he did some foreplay that he generally wouldn’t do and all I can think is he was thinking that he was doing it to the stripper. Feel like I can’t let him touch me again.


It's highly unlikely that he even touched the stripper, let alone had any form of sex with her. Generally, men can look but they can't touch. They certainly won't be having sex for $125. 

That being said... 


Gymbunni said:


> He says he’s a one of the lads and If I don’t like it I know what I can do.


He's being a douche about it. He knew were you stood and he didn't care, and still doesn't care.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'd be more annoyed about the lying than the lap dance. Q is how annoyed? Are you upset enough to divorce. If so, just get on with it.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

I don’t think there was touching just makes me feel sick to think he was maybe thinking about that whilst being with me, no he doesn’t really seem to think he’s done much wrong (although he did send flowers so obviously felt like he did something wrong). I’m just really struggling with my feelings and he just thinks I’m over reacting.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> I don’t think there was touching just makes me feel sick to think he was maybe thinking about that whilst being with me, no he doesn’t really seem to think he’s done much wrong (although he did send flowers so obviously felt like he did something wrong). I’m just really struggling with my feelings and he just thinks I’m over reacting.


He put himself in a position where he might have done more, if not with the dancer (who are often also prostitutes).

He unquestionably crossed the line, imo.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> I'd be more annoyed about the lying than the lap dance. Q is how annoyed? Are you upset enough to divorce. If so, just get on with it.


Yeah, I’m thinking if I can’t move on there’s nothing more I can do but I don’t even know where to begin with splitting up, financially, the kids etc.. it’s not going to be easy.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It's ******** for him to claim it isn't cheating. How would he feel if you started giving lap dances? Or let a male stripper rub his unit on you? Sadly now you question everything, past trips, past spending, past boys nights out. You will wonder how often he was with another woman, and that wondering will ruin many other memories of your marriage, that's such a shame. You are going to hear from some it's not really cheating but I disagree, and I'm a man. 

Sorry you are going thru this.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Yeah that’s basically what has happened. I am wondering about all his trips away. But as he’s one of the boys I’m assuming this has been something he’s done for years I asked him and he said he’d been in lots of strip joints but hasn’t had many private dances he only had private dances because he was best man, which I don’t believe. He blames the fact that I looked on his phone, he said that if I’d never looked I would have been none the wiser blissful ignorance!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> Yeah that’s basically what has happened. I am wondering about all his trips away. But as he’s one of the boys I’m assuming this has been something he’s done for years I asked him and he said he’d been in lots of strip joints but hasn’t had many private dances he only had private dances because he was best man, which I don’t believe. He blames the fact that I looked on his phone, he said that if I’d never looked I would have been none the wiser blissful ignorance!


It's common for spouses to admit the most minimal of what they've been caught at. I can't see him going to Amsterdam and not make use of the legal recreations that are over there, if he's so open about going to strip clubs in your town.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> It's common for spouses to admit the most minimal of what they've been caught at. I can't see him going to Amsterdam and not make use of the legal recreations that are over there, if he's so open about going to strip clubs in your town.


That’s the problem he hasn’t been open about it I’ve found out by default, god knows what went on in Amsterdam I’m sure lap dancing clubs over there are definitely more hands on, I even said I wouldn’t be happy for him to go again but he has said that he would go again regardless of how I felt.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> That’s the problem he hasn’t been open about it I’ve found out by default, god knows what went on in Amsterdam I’m sure lap dancing clubs over there are definitely more hands on, I even said I wouldn’t be happy for him to go again but he has said that he would go again regardless of how I felt.


A spouse who loves you takes steps to protect you and will give you no reason to doubt their honesty about their faithfulness. 
The fact that he will go to Amsterdam, over your wishes, means he's putting you at a health risk of something, even if they are tested. 

I would probably consider a divorce. Make it as no-fault as possible, so it's a quickie divorce. 
If you can't divorce, I would probably not live in the home with him anymore.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

I don’t think he would actually do anything sexually apart from look but then how naive do I sound but I do believe that, it’s more the fact that he is willing to do something that he knows will hurt upset me.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> I don’t think he would actually do anything sexually apart from look but then how naive do I sound but I do believe that, it’s more the fact that he is willing to do something that he knows will hurt upset me.


If this was my wife, the fact that she would completely disregard me and go to bachelorette parties would leave me completely distrusting her denials as to what she does there. If she went to the male escort capital of the world, but claimed to do nothing, would be met with great skepticism. 

It doesn't sound right to me. How can you disregard your spouse on this issue and then credibly claim to not be doing anything?

I'm sorry that you're having this experience.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobert said:


> It's highly unlikely that he even touched the stripper, let alone had any form of sex with her. Generally, men can look but they can't touch. They certainly won't be having sex for $125.
> 
> That being said...
> 
> He's being a douche about it. He knew were you stood and he didn't care, and still doesn't care.


I disagree with the touching. If the strippers don’t mind, one can usually touch then all they want as long as they don’t go down their drawers. I’ll bet there was lots and lots of touching. 

His attitude about he’s “one of the lads” and she can just deal with it—- THAT is a divorceable offense. I totally agree with you on that. That’s just a real asshole of a man. Not worthy of a good wife.

Him coming home abd ravishing his wife after a Trip to the strippers…. 
I really think it’s possible he was all fired up for sex, but was NOT necessarily thinking about then while with his wife. Jmo


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, share the fun! Tell all the other wives what went on. Don't be greedy and keep it all to yourself. 

Then, you'll find out what really went on. Someone will throw your husband under the bus.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, share the fun! Tell all the other wives what went on. Don't be greedy and keep it all to yourself.
> 
> Then, you'll find out what really went on. Someone will throw your husband under the bus.


I completely agree.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't get why British men want to refer to themselves as lad. This is the mental image I get of a lad:








How about they think of themselves as men who are capable of not succumbing to peer pressure.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, share the fun! Tell all the other wives what went on. Don't be greedy and keep it all to yourself.
> 
> Then, you'll find out what really went on. Someone will throw your husband under the bus.


it would totally spoil the wedding although I like your thinking! Also I’ve been friends with these people for a long time and I just don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything, I don’t think that I’ll find out much more as I do think I know what went on. Also my husband knows which friends will happily stir up **** and happily speak about what went on so no doubt something will be said, I will just have to keep my cool.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

This involves contact, one on one. It's worse than sexting. Yes, it's at least cheating to some degree. I'm thinking he has a lot of "secret activities", especially since there's "Amsterdam". And he admits strip joints. What didn't he admit to. 

Polygraph.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gymbunni said:


> it would totally spoil the wedding although I like your thinking! Also I’ve been friends with these people for a long time and I just don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything, I don’t think that I’ll find out much more as I do think I know what went on. Also my husband knows which friends will happily stir up **** and happily speak about what went on so no doubt something will be said, I will just have to keep my cool.


The reception is always ripe for the letting down of hair. Make it one to remember. It will be a story told around the lads' campfires for years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t agree a stripper lap dance equals sexting. Do agree with the Amsterdam trip and what likely went in there. I mean… isn’t it famous for being able to window shop pristitutes?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he’s claiming to be a “Jack the Lad” type, and is going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, then I think you should be doing whatever you want, whenever you want. But I wouldn’t be doing it with him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gymbunni said:


> My Husband lied to me ...


Strike 1 ...



Gymbunni said:


> ... he hasn’t been the most pleasant, abusive even.


Strike 2 ...



Gymbunni said:


> Our sex life has nose dived through the years not for my want of trying I think he likes to be in control, he’s rejected me many many times


Strike 3 ...



Gymbunni said:


> He is now expecting me to just get over it


Out!



Gymbunni said:


> If I don’t like it I know what I can do.


How nice of him to tell you this.



Gymbunni said:


> I don’t even know where to begin with splitting up, financially, the kids etc.. it’s not going to be easy.


Gaining freedom always comes at a price. So you can stay with Mr. Charming or you can get busy finding out how to get him out of your life. Frankly, I'd think you would do whatever it takes to end your miserable marriage. You husband's complete lack of respect for your feelings should be the catalyst for you to start a new life without him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

His attitude towards you and your concerns is appalling. He seems to have no love for you or respect towards you. 
Going to a strip club is bad enough, having all these private dances is even worse. People usually go to Amsterdam to have sex. 
Honestly I would get yourself tested for STD's 
It's highly likely he has done this sort of thing many times. His friends are a terrible influence. 
I would suggest a polygraph but I highly doubt he would agree to it.

There is no way that I would stay with a man like your husband. 

First step is see a lawyer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> He says he’s a one of the lads and If I don’t like it I know what I can do.


Sorry for your sad situation dealing with this louse of a bloke.

I see no positive reasons to remain married to him.

He is abusive.
He is a cheater.
He is not considerate, romantic, or kind.
He does not give you sexual satisfaction.

Other than paying the bills he is a lost cause.
Make him pay the tooting, bloody _divorce piper.



Lilith-_


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## leftorright (Jul 23, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I completely agree.


Yes, once you speak to the other wives everything will come out. My husband (separated now) told me for his bachelor party they did not go to a strip joint. Guess what, at my bachelorette I had a couple of his friends wives with me and they told me about one of the guys spending over $400 on a stripper for “alone” time and he has a girlfriend. Because of this I knew my husband lied about being at a strip joint. Like why lie about it?? He thought he was doing me a favour to not tell me because I wouldn’t have liked it. Should’ve seen this as a red flag but I let it slide. Go figure, we’re separated now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gymbunni said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ...


He's gaslighting you. Look it up if you don't understand what that means. All liars do it. He cheated on you with a stripper and wasted your joint funds too.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Gymbunni said:



I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.

Click to expand...

*I hate to tell you, but just because he _*spent*_ 125 pounds DOESN'T mean he got "5" dances with it.

Many strip clubs offer a hell of a lot more than just dances.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Gymbunni said:



I don’t think he would actually do anything sexually apart from look but then how naive do I sound but I do believe that, it’s more the fact that he is willing to do something that he knows will hurt upset me.

Click to expand...

*Ugh. You also didn't think he'd lie to you when you were down either, did you? 

He's a liar. Don't be naive, OP.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> I don’t think he would actually do anything sexually apart from look but then how naive do I sound but I do believe that, it’s more the fact that he is willing to do something that he knows will hurt upset me.


Just because he does not show you a lot of sexual interest or passion does not mean he is not capable or interested.

Chances are, he is just not interested in having intimacy with a proper wife.

He likely only enjoys the sleazy side of sexual activity.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ...


He has a bloody nerve. Tell him you are organizing a girls night out to a male stripper joint and you will do exactly what you imagined he did (you don't have to follow through of course but he wont know that) but do organize a night out, tell him to babysit and you will be staying at a friends.
Do a hard 180 on him now. Look up the 180. 
Start doing things for yourself, get your hair done, go to the gym, take the kids to your parents, do not include him in anything.
Your WH sounds like he doesn't care about you. You need to turn the tables on this. Stop doing stuff for him. Are you working?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


I would refuse to go or go and tell all the wives what went on. Why should you cover for him and his sordid activities


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't get why British men want to refer to themselves as lad. This is the mental image I get of a lad:
> View attachment 79411
> 
> 
> How about they think of themselves as men who are capable of not succumbing to peer pressure.


it comes from the saying "Jack the lad" they like to think of themselves as bright and cocky 'young' men. Many are anything but, fat, balding, etc but still call themselves that


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When in a relationship giving intimate sexual or emotional attention to someone else is cheating. There's no grey area here, a lap dance is cheating, kissing/touching is cheating, sexting is cheating, emotional affairs are cheating. A decent and respectful person never lets themselves be in any of those situations.

OP if he claims lap dances aren't cheating he's delusional, and if you believe him you are delusional as well. If being "one of the lads" means cheating on your wife than OP you married into a piss poor group of people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cooper said:


> It's ****** for him to claim it isn't cheating. How would he feel if you started giving lap dances? Or let a male stripper rub his unit on you?


My very first thought.

OP needs to make a little cash on the side giving lap dances at bachelor parties.

Maybe even one her husband is attending?😈


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

*"Private lap dances I can’t get over it."*

If you can't get over them, then just divorce. there're lawyers/solicitors to tell you what to do, Period. It's that easy.


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## Aintaps (Oct 25, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


I feel a bit like the guy is not necessarily wrong here.
I’m a woman, but rarely would I say the guy might be right because often the misunderstandings come from not knowing how things are perceived by the other sex.
The guy enjoyed some time with a stripper. The real issue isn’t that, but your level of insecurity that is driving him to lie about such an experience. You ought to be careful this doesn’t break the camels back and lead him to cheat because that’s where it’s headed.
I’m surprised he rejected you sexually though - that’s really unusual and it’s something I’d be hurt by deeply. But it’s not an issue you raised as the significant problem. My main worry is that he lied, it wasn’t about the act that he did. This says more about you and points to where you might need to work on for your relationship


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Aintaps said:


> The guy enjoyed some time with a stripper. *The real issue isn’t that,*


In this instance, it is. From a broader perspective, the real issue is being married to a guy who will do this.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

aine said:


> He has a bloody nerve. Tell him you are organizing a girls night out to a male stripper joint and you will do exactly what you imagined he did (you don't have to follow through of course but he wont know that) but do organize a night out, tell him to babysit and you will be staying at a friends.
> Do a hard 180 on him now. Look up the 180.
> Start doing things for yourself, get your hair done, go to the gym, take the kids to your parents, do not include him in anything.
> Your WH sounds like he doesn't care about you. You need to turn the tables on this. Stop doing stuff for him. Are you working?


I’m actually off work on sick leave due to personal reasons which is why I am even more shocked he could do this at this time. I go to the gym, get dressed up hair done - we even went out at the weekend to salvage something and I got lots of compliments from people even one woman said to him ‘he is punching’ being with me. I am trying to get over it but he was annoyed I couldn’t enjoy sex with him after our evening out - he said that if I can’t get over it soon we will have to split up, I’ve told him that I can’t control how I’m feeling and if it’s affecting our sex life well unfortunately he’ll have to wait till I feel better about the situation however long that will be.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Aintaps said:


> I feel a bit like the guy is not necessarily wrong here.
> I’m a woman, but rarely would I say the guy might be right because often the misunderstandings come from not knowing how things are perceived by the other sex.
> The guy enjoyed some time with a stripper. The real issue isn’t that, but your level of insecurity that is driving him to lie about such an experience. You ought to be careful this doesn’t break the camels back and lead him to cheat because that’s where it’s headed.
> I’m surprised he rejected you sexually though - that’s really unusual and it’s something I’d be hurt by deeply. But it’s not an issue you raised as the significant problem. My main worry is that he lied, it wasn’t about the act that he did. This says more about you and points to where you might need to work on for your relationship
> ...


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Cooper said:


> When in a relationship giving intimate sexual or emotional attention to someone else is cheating. There's no grey area here, a lap dance is cheating, kissing/touching is cheating, sexting is cheating, emotional affairs are cheating. A decent and respectful person never lets themselves be in any of those situations.
> 
> OP if he claims lap dances aren't cheating he's delusional, and if you believe him you are delusional as well. If being "one of the lads" means cheating on your wife than OP you married into a piss poor group of people.


I totally agree I see it as cheating however he totally disagrees he says he’s apologised told me he’ll not do it again (?!?) we have a family and a home and it’s scary to think I am going to leave and break up our life. He says it was totally meaningless a laugh with his mates for his stag doo and that’s the only reason it happened he didn’t even want to go in but other people wanted too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s told you how life is going to be. It’s up to you whether you accept it or not.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He’s told you how life is going to be. It’s up to you whether you accept it or not.


and I’m struggling too accept it. He’s also said he won’t do it again but it’s not something I believe as he will just hide his tracks better. It’s a mess.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Gymbunni said:


> I totally agree I see it as cheating however he totally disagrees he says he’s apologised told me he’ll not do it again (?!?) we have a family and a home and it’s scary to think I am going to leave and break up our life. He says it was totally meaningless a laugh with his mates for his stag doo and that’s the only reason it happened he didn’t even want to go in but other people wanted too.


He didn't want to go in...he only did it for a laugh with his mates...so.....why did he have to do it five times? The first four times weren't funny enough? You're his number one mate, are you laughing?


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Cooper said:


> He didn't want to go in...he only did it for a laugh with his mates...so.....why did he have to do it five times? The first four times weren't funny enough? You're his number one mate, are you laughing?


He says he didn’t do it five times, he firstly said he did it once then he said a couple of times now he says he had a private dance and a dance with the groom. Nope def not finding it funny but unfortunately the last laugh is on him at the moment as the way I’m feeling I don’t really want him near me, plus I have always been very playful when it comes to sex and adventurous well that’s gone totally out of the window I just feel sick.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Aintaps said:


> I feel a bit like the guy is not necessarily wrong here.
> I’m a woman, but rarely would I say the guy might be right because often the misunderstandings come from not knowing how things are perceived by the other sex.
> The guy enjoyed some time with a stripper. The real issue isn’t that, but your level of insecurity that is driving him to lie about such an experience. You ought to be careful this doesn’t break the camels back and lead him to cheat because that’s where it’s headed.
> I’m surprised he rejected you sexually though - that’s really unusual and it’s something I’d be hurt by deeply. But it’s not an issue you raised as the significant problem. My main worry is that he lied, it wasn’t about the act that he did. This says more about you and points to where you might need to work on for your relationship


Wow. 
It's not insecure to want your husband to have decent values, integrity and to be faithful.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Wow.
> It's not insecure to want your husband to have decent values, integrity and to be faithful.


yeah I was also thinking WOW at that one, how to push the blame onto the woman 😞


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> and I’m struggling too accept it. He’s also said he won’t do it again but it’s not something I believe as he will just hide his tracks better. It’s a mess.


So what lies has he told you about Amsterdam? 
Sadly it's likely he has done this sort of thing many times before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> I totally agree I see it as cheating however he totally disagrees he says he’s apologised told me he’ll not do it again (?!?) we have a family and a home and it’s scary to think I am going to leave and break up our life. He says it was totally meaningless a laugh with his mates for his stag doo and that’s the only reason it happened he didn’t even want to go in but other people wanted too.


Of course he didn't want to go in, they MADE him. Of course it didn't mean anything, cheaters always say that. 
I would set up a lie detector test. I suspect there is a lot more you don't know about previous times.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So what lies has he told you about Amsterdam?
> Sadly it's likely he has done this sort of thing many times before.


I didn’t really ask as I felt I trusted him, I thought he would look as many would - I’ve been and had a look about as many people do. I’ve now asked him what went on, he did have a funny look on his face when he said nothing happened I obviously don’t believe him but he probably thinks it’s better to play it safe than to tell me more b**s** my mind is now going mad as I can imagine lap dancing clubs in Amsterdam are very different from the ones in the uk!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> and I’m struggling too accept it. He’s also said he won’t do it again but it’s not something I believe as he will just hide his tracks better. It’s a mess.


Once you have caught a person lying, it's hard to trust again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gymbunni said:


> I didn’t really ask as I felt I trusted him, I thought he would look as many would - I’ve been and had a look about as many people do. I’ve now asked him what went on, he did have a funny look on his face when he said nothing happened I obviously don’t believe him but he probably thinks it’s better to play it safe than to tell me more b**s** my mind is now going mad as I can imagine lap dancing clubs in Amsterdam are very different from the ones in the uk!


Sorry but men who go there don't just look. Get that lie test.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Gymbunni said:


> yeah I was also thinking WOW at that one, how to push the blame onto the woman 😞


I wouldn't be able to just get over it the way you describe it. It sounds like serial.
But before you blow up your marriage. Call around find out who in your area does polygraphs. You get 3 questions most times. It's worth the money for a piece of mind and to avoid divorce. 

AFTER you call and get all the details then ask your husband to take the poly and let him know what the questions would be.
1. Have you orgasmed because of another woman anytime after we got married (that covers the it depends on what 'sex' is). Could be too broad due to porn usage.

2. Have you spent money on seeing or talking to women in a sexual nature since we have been married outside of this one stag party.

3. Did any woman at the stag party see your penis or touch you?

After you verify with the poly that questions similar to these will work you sit and let him know that for you to trust him he needs to tell you the truth and a poly will set your mind at ease and allow you to get over all the inconsistencies since the stag party. Though not sure it would let me get over the situation in general but...

Then be prepared to go through with it. Even if he does some more confessing there is more to be had.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Once you have caught a person lying, it's hard to trust again.


Yep that’s a big problem. Trust broke. He has told lies previously too


Anastasia6 said:


> I wouldn't be able to just get over it the way you describe it. It sounds like serial.
> But before you blow up your marriage. Call around find out who in your area does polygraphs. You get 3 questions most times. It's worth the money for a piece of mind and to avoid divorce.
> 
> AFTER you call and get all the details then ask your husband to take the poly and let him know what the questions would be.
> ...


I honestly think going to these lengths would be crazy, I think my trust not being able to be repaired and us separating would be the only step I would take.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Gymbunni said:


> Yep that’s a big problem. Trust broke. He has told lies previously too
> 
> 
> I honestly think going to these lengths would be crazy, I think my trust not being able to be repaired and us separating would be the only step I would take.


So if he's telling you the truth now and got a private lap dance no sex or touching is that something you want to separate over (and I"m not saying that wouldn't be enough just asking). Cause if it is then go ahead and separate because what he admits to is most likely only the tip of the iceberg.

But I don't think it's that great of length to find out what has been happening in your marriage for a long time. Either he's now telling the truth after getting caught multiple times not telling the truth or there's more to the story. If you are 'ok' with his story then get the detector to put your mind at ease or find the truth.

If you are not ok and aren't going to be ok. Go ahead and see a lawyer get ahead of it. Believe him when he says you will have to get divorced if sex doesn't start meeting his porn/hooker realities because he's already spending that money in his mind. He will be advised to hide assets and move money and all kinds of things when he finally gets there. 

Do you want this the rest of your life? You know something more most likely happend in amsterdam which he intends to go again. So he's telling you put up with me putting my **** whereever and then coming back to you or be a divorced woman. Or maybe he isn't but yeah you know in your heart he's trying to bully you into let him act like a single man.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So if he's telling you the truth now and got a private lap dance no sex or touching is that something you want to separate over (and I"m not saying that wouldn't be enough just asking). Cause if it is then go ahead and separate because what he admits to is most likely only the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> But I don't think it's that great of length to find out what has been happening in your marriage for a long time. Either he's now telling the truth after getting caught multiple times not telling the truth or there's more to the story. If you are 'ok' with his story then get the detector to put your mind at ease or find the truth.
> 
> ...


i know this is my thought process too I just think if I feel this strongly and can’t get over it and believe that he won’t do this again as it’s totally wrecked what we had, I just think doing lie detector tests is something I won’t do I’d prefer to walk away.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Gymbunni said:


> .....My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ......He said the usual it was his friends stag he was best man (the other best man and the stag all participated), it was a bit of fun. He originally said he’d only had one dance but I asked to see his bank statement and he said no, surely if nothing to hide he would show me. He then said that everyone had clubbed together to buy the stag dances and he paid for them for him on his card. *I just don’t believe him.*
> 
> ...





Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, *he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is.* Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.





Gymbunni said:


> That’s the problem he hasn’t been open about it I’ve found out by default, god knows what went on in Amsterdam I’m sure lap dancing clubs over there are definitely more hands on, *I even said I wouldn’t be happy for him to go again but he has said that he would go again regardless of how I felt.*





Gymbunni said:


> *I don’t think he would actually do anything sexually apart from look* but then how naive do I sound but I do believe that, it’s more the fact that he is willing to do something that he knows will hurt upset me.





Gymbunni said:


> I’m actually off work on sick leave due to personal reasons which is why I am even more shocked he could do this at this time. I go to the gym, get dressed up hair done - we even went out at the weekend to salvage something and I got lots of compliments from people even one woman said to him ‘he is punching’ being with me. *I am trying to get over it but he was annoyed I couldn’t enjoy sex with him after our evening out - he said that if I can’t get over it soon we will have to split up,* I’ve told him that I can’t control how I’m feeling and if it’s affecting our sex life well unfortunately he’ll have to wait till I feel better about the situation however long that will be.





Gymbunni said:


> and I’m struggling too accept it. He’s also said he won’t do it again but it’s not something *I believe as he will just hide his tracks better.* It’s a mess.





Gymbunni said:


> i know this is my thought process too I just think if I feel this strongly and can’t get over it and believe that he won’t do this again as it’s totally wrecked what we had, I just think doing lie detector tests is something I won’t do *I’d prefer to walk away.*


Reading this post has been very interesting. Rather than ranting to get things off your chest and get sympathy, Bymbunni seems to be working herself into a frenzy. It sounds like she has decided she wants a divorce and is doing things to sabotage the marriage so she ends up wit a divorce.

Let me stay that what her husband did was not very responsible or being a good husband.

Gymbunni is free to divorce her H, deny him sex, engage in a power struggle.

I really feel that stag and hen parries are dangerous slippery slopes from a behavioral perspective. To hold a stag party in Amsterdam, a city famous for its brothels, live sex shows, etc. really doesn't sound like a smart idea, especially if drinking was involved.

Clearly, Gymbunni feels she is totally the victim. Well, about a decade ago, I was in a sex starved marriage of about 38 years and I too felt like the victim of a frigid wife. It took a lot of introspection to learn that the problems in our marriage were partly my making or at least I shared some of the responsibility for the sexless marriage I had. I feel that Gymbunni stating that their marriage had problems, that the sex nose-dived, and that she stopped initiating should have been red flags that she paid attention to when he talked about going to Amsterdam for a stag party.

I also feel that refusing now to have sex with him, especially after he has told her, if this continues they are likely to split, is effectively telling her husband that she wants a divorce. She may delude herself into thinking that not saying she wants a divorce means that if there is a divorce she can blame him totally. However, actions do speak louder than words, especially in a marriage where one partner punishes the other by denying sex.

I wish Gymbunni luck in her divorce. If on the other hand she wants to try reconciliation, I suggest professional marriage counseling. Yes, her H didn't conduct himself well at multiple stages of the whole thing, however, is this a divorecable event? That is up to her or her husband.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So if he's telling you the truth now and got a private lap dance no sex or touching is that something you want to separate over (and I"m not saying that wouldn't be enough just asking). Cause if it is then go ahead and separate because what he admits to is most likely only the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> But I don't think it's that great of length to find out what has been happening in your marriage for a long time. Either he's now telling the truth after getting caught multiple times not telling the truth or there's more to the story. If you are 'ok' with his story then get the detector to put your mind at ease or find the truth.
> 
> ...





Young at Heart said:


> Reading this post has been very interesting. Rather than ranting to get things off your chest and get sympathy, Bymbunni seems to be working herself into a frenzy. It sounds like she has decided she wants a divorce and is doing things to sabotage the marriage so she ends up wit a divorce.
> 
> Let me stay that what her husband did was not very responsible or being a good husband.
> 
> ...


We weren’t in a sex starved marriage if anything I have been a very willing participant, for reasons I don’t know my husband has been the one to push me away and reject me which has stopped me initiating and I feel he has made it a power struggle.

For the record I have been having sex with him since this but it has just been spoiled by images in my head of what he’s been up to and overthinking thngs and I’ve made him stop and got upset, this is something I have no control over and if I am sabotaging the marriage it’s certainly not intentionally.

I’m sorry to hear about your frigid wife but please don’t think this is me, I have gone above and beyond to make our sex life good unfortunately I think he likes the control element of it being on his terms and his terms only.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am a man that recognizes the bad parts of a woman pretty easily now that I’ve seen them in some ladies that I thought really highly of. So I can be biased at times against a woman in the right circumstance when I see things I recognize….. which is preface to this:

You are not wrong or insecure in any way in your reaction to your husband and his strippers and such. Your husband saying if you don’t get over it and start having sex with him or split up is huge manipulation on his part. He’s basically telling you he doesn’t give a rats rear about your feelings and you can put out or get out. A man doesn’t get lap dances at strip clubs when he’s married, because he knows that would rightly hurt his wife. As said, would he want you getting lap dances as well? Going out with the “lassies” abd doing whatever you want and tell him to “deal with it”???

I think you have bent over backward to try to figure out how to make things right with your husband, with zero help from him. The only reason you’re having all this trouble mentally with what he’s done is because every time the jerk opens his mouth, he spews some bs about you getting over it and dealing with it and accepting behavior that you know in your heart is not that of a man that loves you.
You’ve got to make up your mind yourself about him, but I just wanted to say that from what you’ve written of the events, I can totally see why you’re hurting and why you’re having such problems with cognitive dissonance.
What he’s done, his response to your anguish about it, and his continued manipulation in order to get you to accept the poo sandwich he’s served you—- is not something your mind can work out and still feel like it’s reasonable to give your heart to such a person.

You are not at fault here.
Your feelings are normal, his behavior is NOT.
You don’t have to eat the sammich. 

YOU would be justified in putting him walking rather than accepting his ultimatum.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> He says he didn’t do it five times, he firstly said he did it once then he said a couple of times now he says he had a private dance and a dance with the groom. Nope def not finding it funny but unfortunately the last laugh is on him at the moment as the way I’m feeling I don’t really want him near me, plus I have always been very playful when it comes to sex and adventurous well that’s gone totally out of the window I just feel sick.


Go to the wedding and get some more information, blow up his world and his mates world. Let the other wives know what went down, when they are all digging into their own husbands activities, he will have nowhere to run and hide and they will spill the beans. Dont back down on this one. If he is doing this now, he is not worth staying with.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> i know this is my thought process too I just think if I feel this strongly and can’t get over it and believe that he won’t do this again as it’s totally wrecked what we had, I just think doing lie detector tests is something I won’t do I’d prefer to walk away.


One question I do have is whether or not this has been typical of his personality or whether this is a relatively recent change. 
If this has been a relatively recent change, I'd probably get him checked out neurologically.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Gymbunni said:


> We weren’t in a sex starved marriage if anything I have been a very willing participant, for reasons I don’t know my husband has been the one to push me away and reject me which has stopped me initiating and I feel he has made it a power struggle.
> 
> For the record I have been having sex with him since this but it has just been spoiled by images in my head of what he’s been up to and overthinking thngs and I’ve made him stop and got upset, this is something I have no control over and if I am sabotaging the marriage it’s certainly not intentionally.
> 
> I’m sorry to hear about your frigid wife but please don’t think this is me, I have gone above and beyond to make our sex life good unfortunately I think he likes the control element of it being on his terms and his terms only.


I was just going by what you posted. Not saying you have a sex starved marriage, but look at what you posted about your sex life nose diving. You might want to review your posts. Sex Starved has a clinical meaning. For every couple the amount of sex that is necessary to satisfy a healthy relationship is different. 

Power struggles take two. As to sabotaging a marriage, it is often done at the subconscious level not the conscious level.

It probably doesn't all mater, as you seem to have decided you want to divorce, which is your choice. My advice is to figure out how you could have done things differently so that you will have a better chance in your next relationship.

As to my wife, she isn't frigid, she did refuse to have sex with me for an extended period of time, but with the help of marriage counseling and a great sex therapist, we have a happy marriage and have celebrated 50 years of marriage. We now have sex on a regular basis. Sex, especially when it disappears, can create a huge problem in a marriage. I also learned in rebuilding my marriage that even though I was certain that I was the victim, my wife felt I had done things that pushed her away. As such, I had to make changes in the way I treated her and it took a lot to realize what I had done wrong.

Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A lie detector test won't solve your husband's attitude problem. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, a totally naked woman grinding on him was nothing, the lads are more important than you, wait for him to initiate and when he does you better act like you enjoy it, damn it. Oh, and why aren't you over it?

He has proven he doesn't need to go to Amsterdam for cheap sex - he'll take it where he can get it. 

I think any woman would appreciate a heads up on her fiance's behavior before she says "I do". Any guy who will cheat right before the wedding isn't invested.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Gymbunni said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ...


You really need to get with yourself and ask why you aren't stripping at the house?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


Tell the wives.....he does not have the same moral integrity as you...that is why he calls you crazy for calling it cheating. 

I would tell him, So you are OK when I go stand in a room and let some buffed male stripper rub his hard Johnson all over my crotch and ass area while grinding on me? Got it!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> Yeah that’s basically what has happened. I am wondering about all his trips away. But as he’s one of the boys I’m assuming this has been something he’s done for years I asked him and he said he’d been in lots of strip joints but hasn’t had many private dances he only had private dances because he was best man, which I don’t believe. He blames the fact that I looked on his phone, he said that if I’d never looked I would have been none the wiser blissful ignorance!


He is a cheating ass. Cheater script. He could not pass a poly. I bet his balls on it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Get 


Gymbunni said:


> That’s the problem he hasn’t been open about it I’ve found out by default, god knows what went on in Amsterdam I’m sure lap dancing clubs over there are definitely more hands on, I even said I wouldn’t be happy for him to go again but he has said that he would go again regardless of how I felt.


Get an STD test to see if he brought any bugs home with him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gymbunni said:


> it would totally spoil the wedding although I like your thinking! Also I’ve been friends with these people for a long time and I just don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything, I don’t think that I’ll find out much more as I do think I know what went on. Also my husband knows which friends will happily stir up **** and happily speak about what went on so no doubt something will be said, I will just have to keep my cool.


If you don't feel it is your place to tell the wife of these **** bags then you are not much of a friend. If someone I considered a friend knew something and did not tell me..we would not be friends long


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Gymbunni said:


> He says I’m crazy to see this as cheating, he says it is in no way cheating. I feel like it is. Also it’s so degrading thinking he can objectify and pay for woman it’s just wrong on so many levels. We are going to the wedding next week and know it’s going to be hard to be in front of all his friends who shared his experience and to sit with all the wives who are totally oblivious.


Well I guess all those women who saw a Chippendales show were just wrong on so many levels, or was that okay for them? Were those men "degraded" and objectified?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Well I guess all those women who saw a Chippendales show were just wrong on so many levels, or was that okay for them? Were those men "degraded" and objectified?


No difference from a female stripper.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Try letting loose and going to the club with him.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Hi guys it’s been about 7 months since my original post. I left my husband a month ago. I left for many reasons but I definitely think the lap-dances killed whatever love for him I had left. I read this and well it pretty much sums up how I feel:


*When she finally decides to walk away, she’s done.

She could be your wife or girlfriend. You might think she’d never leave you, that she’s stayed too long to just give up now.

She might not be a person known for giving up easily. She might be someone that sticks with things, someone who knuckles down and keeps on going, even when the going gets tough. She might be a strong lover, a fighter, someone who won’t just shrug her shoulders and give up when the chips are down.But everyone has a limit. 

Everybody has their breaking point.

No one will put up with being second best forever. If you’re constantly making her an afterthought, if you treat her like an inconvenience that you have to deal with if you want to keep everything smooth and maintain the status quo, know that your days with her are numbered.

She won’t put up with it forever.

The day will come when she’s tired of not being a priority in your life. When she’s done with the last minutes changes of plans, with the excuses, and the laziness and the total lack of effort. Deep down, she knows she deserves better. She wants someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. 

The day will come when you do something that will be a step too far. It will be one too many times. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. And when it happens, you’ll be blindsided. You won’t see it coming. You’ll ask her what changed, why she’s decided she wants to walk away.

Know that you had it coming the whole time.

When you’re lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what an amazing woman you had and how badly you wish you could get her back, know that it wasn’t just one thing. Know that you never treated her properly. Know that it was never enough. She put up with you not being enough for a very long time, because she’s a fighter. She holds on to those she loves, and she does everything in her power to make it work.

But she couldn’t bring herself to hold onto you anymore. She realized that she finally had to take control of her life, that she is the only person who can really make herself happy. So, she walked away.

When the day comes that she finally says ‘enough is enough’ and leaves you, know that she’s finally done, and that she won’t be coming back. She’s given you enough chances to change. She’s tired of telling you over and over that you don’t value her the way she values you, that you don’t listen to her, that you don’t really care. She’s done with it all, and she’s putting herself first for once.*

It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done to walk away and I think if I have any advice is if you have someone you love and who loves you back it’s the most precious thing and needs to be nurtured complacency and taking them for granted kills even the most strongest love. No couple is invincible look after each other xx


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## shannabanana (9 mo ago)

Gymbunni said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Husband lied to me and said he didn’t have a private dance, I looked on his phone and he said he’d spent 125 pounds at the strippers - (private dances 25 pounds each fully naked I looked on website). That would mean 5 dances.
> 
> ...


This is absolutely ridiculous on his part. He is a married man. Why get married if you want to go have private dances with other women? He needs a wake up call.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

shannabanana said:


> This is absolutely ridiculous on his part. He is a married man. Why get married if you want to go have private dances with other women? He needs a wake up call.


I think he’s got the wake up call!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I sincerely hope he enjoys being one of the lads 24/7. How is he doing?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well done for making that decision. I hope for the best for you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

That is infidelity. If it would be cheating for you to do it to another man, it’s cheating for him to do it with another woman.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Great job taking out the trash. One of the lads……. Ugh. That really is just sad. Don’t look for a lad this time. Look for a grown man.


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## Gymbunni (Oct 24, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I sincerely hope he enjoys being one of the lads 24/7. How is he doing?


He’s taken it really badly, he’s lost so much weight. He’s bombarded me with messages saying how much he will change, I’ve told him that it’s all just too late and I hope he will become a better person for the next woman. I really hope he will as we have two children together and they need him to be the best for them xx


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Gymbunni said:


> He’s taken it really badly, he’s lost so much weight. He’s bombarded me with messages saying how much he will change, I’ve told him that it’s all just too late and I hope he will become a better person for the next woman. I really hope he will as we have two children together and they need him to be the best for them xx


Good for you. If you take him back, he will continue to cheat and will just lie about it. It’s a terrible example to set for your children to let him humiliate you over and over.


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