# I'm shocked, scared



## kitkateybug (Jun 9, 2012)

Background: we've been married for five years, trying to be parents for two years, now I'm pregnant due in January. 

Yesterday hubby and I had an unplanned "what if" talk regarding our future family and I found out that he would not want our child if it has a major disability, such as down syndrome. I am shocked to hear this. i haven't yet given a disabled baby serious thought but I know I'm not the person to reject it. There are a lot of disabilities out there, please give me some advice or feedback. That's all.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, yes, it's a good thing to talk about, but you are also borrowing trouble.

I don't know if either of you can possibly know what you would do, faced with the situation. As you said, it's a "what if". So, while I understand that you were distressed and appalled at his answer, I think you should just tuck that away unless the scenario actually occurs -- and if it does, his answer may well be different.

For now? Concentrate on your healthy pregnancy!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He was just being honest. "What ifs" and reality are different things. What people say they could NEVER do, becomes quite easy to do when reality hits.

Don't worry and congrats on the pregnancy.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

OK, my husband also said that he could never handle a child throwing up on him and that he would absolutely freak out. Well guess what, it happened, and he did not freak out - he was so concerned over our sons well-being that he didn't even react. 

Men tend to say a lot of things they definitely would or would not do before the baby is born. When it's your first child it is hard to conceptualize what your attachment is going to be like to that baby when it is born. Wait until the baby gets here. I would be shocked if his feelings didnt change 180.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

There are some disabilities that can be discovered prenatally with amnio, CVS or ultrasounds. Then there are other disabilities that are apparent only after birth or the first few years of life. There's really no 100% fool proof way to know for sure your child doesn't have a disability. So rather than worry about all the "what ifs", enjoy the pregnancy. The less anxiety you feel, the better for your child.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My husband and I had these types of conversations before we decided to get pregnant. We came to the agreement that if we have a diagnosed disability, we would either terminate a pregnancy, or put the child up for adoption. We cannot see ourselves being able to take care of a child with a disability, and that isn't something to be ashamed of. I wouldn't worry about it until that situation comes up, IF it comes up. Enjoy your pregnancy.

Congrats!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Have a prenatal diagnosis specifically Amniocentesis.

Your husband is being honest and frankly shares the sentiments of many people.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think along similar lines to your husband. I see little advantage for anyone to allow a pregnancy of a child with a severe disability to reach term. The child will never be a fully functional adult and parenthood is already hard enough with regular kids. 

And he is being honest. Do not act surprised if he truly means it. I meant it when i said it to my partner. It's a small chance, but if that eventually happens you may be left with a child with a disability on your care while the dad leaves the scene. Can you take that one on you?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

kitkateybug said:


> Background: we've been married for five years, trying to be parents for two years, now I'm pregnant due in January.
> 
> Yesterday hubby and I had an unplanned "what if" talk regarding our future family and I found out that he would not want our child if it has a major disability, such as down syndrome. I am shocked to hear this. i haven't yet given a disabled baby serious thought but I know I'm not the person to reject it. There are a lot of disabilities out there, please give me some advice or feedback. That's all.


Well there are good arguments for both sides...

- Going through with a baby with a disability means a life of suffering for both you and the baby. Depending on the disability, this baby may never have the opportunity to live a normal life. Putting someone through that kind of torture when you had the perfect opportunity to abort may be seen as negligent.

- The flip side of this view is that being given the opportunity to live, whatever the life may be, is far better than not even having a chance. At least it's something...a chance to see the world, a chance to smell a flower, etc...

I understand both sides. Personally, I don't think I would go through with it if I knew that my baby would have to suffer, be made fun of in school, not have the opportunity to interact with "normal" kids, etc...I'd feel like it's not fair to put us all through it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

When I was growing up, one of my sister's best friends had cerebral palsy. I never really thought much about it. She walked with a bit of a limp. She did have various surgeries to correct her physical impairments (specifically one arm/hand didn't function quite right). She had slightly slurred speech. Guess what? She graduated with all As and Bs in regular, no special education, high school. She had an after school job (I worked with her for a few years). She is married and has kids. She has a NORMAL life...she just happens to have CP.

In high school, one of my teachers also had CP. Very intelligent man. He also walked with a distinct limp and one hand, he could only hold small, light objects. But he was a very knowledgeable man. He was head coach for our varsity football team. He, eventually, became vice principal then principal of the high school. He and his wife raised two successful children.

Then, the third example of CP... my brother-in-law. There was no indication that this would happen to him. My mother-in-law had BOTH my husband AND his brother, premature. At one point, my brother-in-law was able to walk with assistance. But then, it became apparent that he needed to be in a wheelchair. He was potty trained, but then he needed to go back to diapers. Unless you work closely with him on a regular basis, you don't know what he is saying most of the time. But, he likes to go to movies. He likes to go to the mall. He likes to "people watch". He likes to shop. He likes many of the same things you and I would like. The difference is he has a disability.

My point is that you don't know what will happen in life. Yes, it is hard to live with a child with disabilities. But you never know what that disabled child will grow up to do with his or her life.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I know it must be shocking to hear that but I wouldn't think much of it if I were you.

If it actually was the case once he saw his child most likely his line of thinking would change.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would ignore all the "his thinking will change if it happens" advice on this thread.

Your husband has voiced his beliefs on this matter as clearly as he can.
Take him at his word and consider the possibilities

His position is not abnormal at all, in fact I applaud his honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> My point is that you don't know what will happen in life. Yes, it is hard to live with a child with disabilities. But you never know what that disabled child will grow up to do with his or her life.


Good point and that's what I was saying also. A prenatal test can only discover so many disabilities. There are disabilities that show up later, say autism for example. You can't find it via a blood test or amnio before birth. If you go into pregnancy thinking I asbolutely can't parent a disabled child, and you discover that your 3-month old or 2 year old has a disability, what will you then? 

There are NO guarantees in life. Having a child is one of the biggest gambles.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A disability can happen at any age. Mentally or physically. I've seen mental disability happen to adults due to an accident or even physical abuse.

I broke my neck 4 years ago in my mid 30's. Luckily I can walk, but I'll live the rest of my life in severe pain. I can only walk a few hundred feet at a time or I need a wheelchair. Without the support of my loving husband and doctor, I'd be much worse off. Even though I'm considered disabled, I have a very good life. I have a very good, loving and supportive husband.

My two youngest children have anxiety issues. Not sure where that came from. My youngest had a rough start medically, but we pulled through. She also has a OCD, which may or may not effect her future. We are dealing with it when it needs to be delt with. Those school years are tough whether or not your child has a disability. My oldest just graduated high school. She had another girl bully her for years. We got the teachers, school and principle involved. It didn't stop this girl until late Senior year. She wrote my daughter a letter apologizing for bullying her for so long. The school did very little. 

I never had the what if thought. Birth defects are generally low occurring. I never did the one testing for down syndrome for all three children. I didn't want to know, I didn't care. I do wish we did have one more child. Raising children has been very rewarding and a wonderful experience for our family. 

You are worrying for nothing. Let those thoughts go and deal with issues when they arise. 

My neighbor has the "what if" instilled in her head all the time. She's very indecisive and can not make a solid decision about certain things. She goes back and fourth not knowing if she made the right decision or not.


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