# Finally decided to stop sitting on the fence



## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

I don't post here often, probably haven't in a long time but I've finally hit a bottom. My H and I have been married for 18 years, we have a 15 year old son, and we are very blessed to live in a nice neighborhood and seem to 'have it made' by American standards, if that means anything these days. But, our marriage has been toxic for so long and I'm finally feeling like we need to separate. I was just coming on here to look for support.

To make a VERY long story short: he abuses alcohol, has a personality disorder or possibly bipolar(he is on meds: strattera for ADHD, ambien for sleep issues, and paxil for depression). He stopped going to his psychologist when the doc told him he has anger issues and wasn't happy that H wasn't doing anything about it. He felt dismissed by the doctor and, instead of finding someone new for counseling, he stomped out and is never going back.

My H abuses alcohol and binge drinks mostly when he travels for work or when I travel with my son for his sports tournaments. He has a DUI and then got another 6 months tacked on to his ignition interlock device because he tried to start his car twice while having a .15 BAC. He has been irresponsible and emotionally abusive and I am no longer attracted to him emotionally or physically. We haven't had sex for 18 months and I know it's my fault, but who would be attracted to someone who lies, blames everyone else for his problems, and who emotionally abuses their family? 

I am completely financially dependent on him, it's one of the reasons I stay. Of course, since he has said that all woman are good for is for sex anyway, he could divorce me and move on, too. I homeschool our son because he has serious cognitive memory issues and has Tourette's syndrome. We both have choices but we still live in the same house but it's become unbearable to me. He rents cars when he travels for work and then drinks and drives and thinks it's no big deal. He knows he is risking his job and our financial stability and yet he defends his behavior and calls me crazy because I have asked him to stop. 

I have been taking steps to get my life back. I got involved in church again, I go to counseling, I am getting our finances organized, I have seen a lawyer for advice and basic counsel on the laws for our state, and I attend Al Anon locally. I have no idea how I can make it on my own but I have to try. It's not healthy for my son to live in a house where his father doesn't even respond to him when he tells dad, "I love ya." 

My H has become unresponsive to us. He punishes me with the silent treatment. I know he wants me to be the one to file because he's made reference to the fact that he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he wants me to look bad instead. The one thing he said about a year ago that ripped out my heart and stomped my soul was, "I feel that every time we've had sex in the last 20 years, I feel like you're going to call me a rapist because you are a victim of rape. You'll call the police in the AM and accuse me of assaulting you, I have it all played out in my head." There as a bit more and when I picked my weeping self up off the floor, I realized that he never trusted me, just as he's never trusted anybody else in his life and that I was not sure how I would get past the things he's said and how he's said it. Then, a few months later he decided to hug me and grab my rear and whisper in my ear, "I know you don't like me touching you, but I realized I can go ahead and do it anyway!" He kept grabbing at me and rubbing up against me all and and challenging me with his behavior. I felt used, I felt sick to my stomach. And, yet, I still stuck around and lived in this house with him.

I have been as loving as I can be(sans having sex, because I've made it clear that we need to fix our emotional intimacy before I'll be ready to trust him again physically) around the house. I cook his meals, I do the laundry, I take care of EVERYTHING with our son(my H does not attend my son's sports events, he's made a million excuses to his child as to why he can't go: everything from hating the other parents to not wanting to make our son anxious), I am kind and considerate even when it kills me to be nice especially when he's glaring at me while sitting on the couch. Unfortunately, it's become too much for me, I can't keep this farce going anymore, I need space and time to heal. I feel positive about my life and I know I can have a great life, but I worry about my son and how I'm going to get his educational needs met while I try to get back into the work world. I haven't worked in 15 years!!! Thankfully, I do have a college degree and was a stock broker for a few years as well as a yoga instructor for a while, too. Anyway, that's bits and pieces of my story. I'm just at a low, and I know the end is near. It makes me sad that I couldn't fix this myself, but it takes 2 to fix a marriage, right?


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Hi, andromeda. I came over from the "Recovery" thread to read your post.

Obviously you have a strong will, and you know your relationship is toxic. As an alcoholic, I can tell you that it will not change. He will keep doing his thing and you will keep doing yours. Until, or unless, something happens to change the status quo.

Speaking from my own experience I can also say that I was ready to change when my wife hit me with the "Alcohol or me" ultimatum. As an alcoholic my first thought was "You can't dictate to me!!" My second thought was "My God, WTF am I thinking????" I knew I was alcoholic but justified it by saying, and thinking, I was a functional alcoholic. If you haven't already learned this, let me make it clear: there is nothing functional about alcoholism.

The alcoholic must hit their own rock bottom and be READY to change. It does not sound like that is your case, and quite honestly it may never happen. A lot of alcoholics drink right through to the end because it is what they know how to do and change is difficult until they want it.

I am so glad to hear you are going to AlAnon!! I know that the people there can be a wonderful resource and pillar of strength for you. My wife started attending AlAnon 6 months into my sobriety. While she, and I, are both new to sobriety, it has been an immense help to her.

Understand this as well, just him getting sober may not be enough for YOU to stay. I am learning that first hand. Even though I am sober, my wife still has the same resentments you shared in your post. Emotional detachment, difficult time with intimacy, and feeling like she doesn't know whether to stay or go. Though we are still together, and still working on our marriage, the damage caused by my drinking is still a raw nerve with her. If, and that is a big IF, your H decides to get sober, it does not mean the path is clear and that the glass slipper will fit or the castle keys will be handed over to you.

There is a hard road to travel whichever way you go, but with AlAnon and your strength you can do it. I would suggest, as a start, writing out a Pro/Con list of reasons to stay versus reasons to go. Once you have done that it will be more clear to you and you can start working on that path. Whichever way it comes out, you need to start setting boundaries NOW. Write them out as well. I have learned that putting it on paper somehow "makes it real" and is easier to deal with.

Once you have come up with your boundaries, stick to them. While some may advocate telling your H what they are, I would suggest using them as a start to a 180. Do it for you, not for anyone else.

I empathize with how difficult this must be for you, but remember, you are a strong woman.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> He has a personality disorder or possibly bipolar....


Andromeda, several of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., temper tantrums, irrational anger, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser degree, of NPD (Narcissism). If you are interested, Kathy Batesel describes narcissism in her blog at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. I describe BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If those descriptions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

Thank you for replying! FYI: the temper tantrums got better when he got on the Paxil, but our biggest issue is how he 'thinks'. A few weeks ago we were all 3 in the car and I decided to tell H about my sister and her new boyfriend, whom she had only been dating for a month. The first thing my H says is, "Are they having sex yet?" I told him that was none of our business and that I didn't know nor care. He then said (in front of our 15 year old), "Well, a guy's not going to stick around if he's not getting laid. What's the point? That's the only reason a guy stays in a relationship." Well, I just about pulled the car over and left his arse on the side of the road. Then, I had to laugh at myself because I thought, "Well, why hasn't he divorced me yet since he's not getting any?" 

He says crazy things, he defends his poor behavior, he acts like I'm the enemy because I want him to be accountable for his behavior and set the right example for our son. He claims he's only capable of thinking in black and white and that he just can't wrap his head around gray areas.

When my son's friend died last year from leukemia, my son said, "Don't tell dad." I asked why and he said, "Because he'll just say GOOD." I was appalled and asked him where he got that idea and he reminded me of how my H freaked out on me about my own father who was in hospice at the time and how I cried and how harsh my H was. So, my dear friend passed away last month from a 7 year battle with cancer and I was afraid to tell H. I don't know if I'll get sympathy or condolences or a harsh remark or just indifference. Anyway, he didn't come with me to the memorial service and it was too bad, because it was a beautiful testament to her life and her marriage. 

Anyway, over the past 2 years I've done a lot of work on myself. I'm learning what boundaries are and I'm keeping them for me(I don't communicate them to H). I have learned how to stop being an enabler, I have stopped being a victim and I'm seeing my part and how I provoke things even when I'm just defending myself or someone else. I have learned that I don't have to prove I'm right because it doesn't matter anyway. It is so freeing to know that I don't have to attend every argument that I'm invited to!! Big steps for me and I feel good about me and my future. I'm just sad that my H doesn't want to get the help he needs nor is he interested in quitting drinking or going to AA.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Andromeda, I will offer a little bit of insight on two things you've mentioned, but I don't want you to think that I'm coming out against you, defending his actions, etc. I promise I'm not!

First, you mentioned his comment last year about him feeling like you'll cry "rape!" when you have sex. I can relate to that feeling, or at least I could in the past. I don't think I ever actually thought that my wife would actually claim rape or get the police involved or ever do anything that incredibly deceitful or betraying... The problem was that throughout our sex life, which really only amounted to a few times a year, ever since we got married she was pretty much NEVER into it. For starters, she would NEVER initiate, she pretty much ALWAYS would deny any attempt I'd make to seduce or otherwise get her in the mood, and on those two or three times a year that she would allow it, her attitude ranged from, "Fine, just do it already" on a bad day to "Yep, you've been great and deserve it." That second one probably doesn't sound that bad, but the point is that even at best she still didn't actually want sex, she was just more willing to put up with it. (And I mean any form of sexual activity, even activities that only focus on her. I've always been willing and up for anything too)

So when we were sexual, I knew 100% of the time that she didn't want it. I hope your husband was just expressing how he FELT the sex was like between you and him, vs. thinking that you might actually betray him like that for real. Because yeah I often felt like my wife would just begrudgingly allow it, like rape, because I knew she wasn't into it at all. In other words, I could have seen myself saying a lot of what he said there, not because I actually thought she would betray me like that, but because that is how her actions made me feel. I hope that makes sense?

Second, about the conversation you had in the car with your H where he asked, "Are they having sex yet?" and then went off on his tirade about sex and how that is the only reason men engage in relationships. To me that sounds like that came from a place of INTENSE long term frustration. Sex is clearly very important to him. I bet his love language is physical touch. (Look up the five love languages if you haven't already) For a guy like me whose love language is also physical touch, I yearn for touch of any kind, sexual or not, from my wife. When I go for days, weeks, months, years, etc. without, it permeates every area of my life. I'm more irritable, quick to anger or get frustrated, have low self esteem/self confidence, give in to my vices easier, etc. For me, it all centers on that touch.

My wife has long known how important physical touch is to me. It is easily the #1 way I both feel and naturally show love. Without physical touch (sexual or non-sexual) I feel utterly unloved, disrespected, ignored, worthless, etc. Further, like your husband, I was raised to believe that supporting my family financially is the #1 priority for a husband and father, and the wife's #1/#2 responsibilities are to supporting her husband and their children. So I imagine he probably feels like he is fulfilling his end of he bargain, or the biggest part of it anyway, while you are fulfilling parts of your end but not the biggest part.

So truthfully, nearly every issue that you have mentioned as being a problem with him (being heartless, binge drinking, not concerned about risking his job/family income, being short with you, not participating with your son, quick to anger, etc.) will be heavily magnified when he feels the things I described above. That by not meeting his biggest need, which he has made absolutely clear to you, that you are showing that you don't love him, that he isn't worthy of your respect, that you don't care about his needs or feelings, that you are willing to just use him for his money, etc. He'll feel alone, worthless, etc. From that, it's not hard for me to see why someone in that situation would turn to other means of "self medicating" with alcohol, avoiding responsibilities, risk hurting the family financially etc. 

To offer the other side of a few of the examples you've provided:
A. Your getting angry at him for his drinking and/or drinking & driving could certainly make him angry when he feels like your treatment of him is why he is drinking in the first place. If he felt loved and respected, he might not feel the need to self medicate. Getting angry at him over the results of that, to him, might be similar an abuser getting angry at his/her victim for buying bandages to treat the wounds that the abuser inflicted.
B. Giving up on therapy. If he feels the therapist was calling him out for anger that he feels has developed purely because of the frustration he feels regarding his relationship with you, then he might not see a point in continuing to go if he feels that you are unwilling to assist with the problem. For men, it can be even harder because again, most of us are raised since birth to keep our feelings, emotions, frustrations, etc. to ourself. 
C. Missing son's events. You already mentioned that he is depressed, and at least a big part of that probably comes from his own frustrations with the marriage, but I imagine shame plays a big part in this too. Feeling like a poor husband in a failing marriage can destroy anyone's self esteem/confidence. If he feels that divorce is just around the corner, he'll likely feel like he has failed his son as well, and while you have found focusing on your son to be an outlet for you to escape to, he has struggled with that as all men struggle with healthy outlets like that I think. Missing those events probably makes him feel even more shame, but at least he's able to avoid facing it.

Again, I could be TOTALLY wrong about him and you. I'm just trying to offer some very possible scenarios that could be taking place without your understanding. One more thing that I couldn't help but respond to was when you said this in the original post: 

"We haven't had sex for 18 months and I know it's my fault, but who would be attracted to someone who lies, blames everyone else for his problems, and who emotionally abuses their family?"

For starters, it isn't necessarily your fault, you don't need to feel guilty about it, because you aren't wrong in feeling the way you feel. With that said, he could very likely say something very similar and feel equally justified, here is an example:

"I know I've been somewhat irresponsible and emotionally unavailable, and that's my fault I know, but who could stay confident and motivated to do those things when she completely ignores my needs, disrespects me on a daily basis, uses me for her own purposes, and attacks me in my struggles to keep it all together and support my family?"

It becomes a chicken and the egg situation. Neither of you feel like your needs are being met, you both feel like the other is failing you, and I get the impression that you both probably feel like the other person needs to prove themselves first before either of you will commit to long term efforts as well.

Truthfully... I'm hearing and seeing two really horrible problems here. First is that your husband is failing to meet your needs and doesn't seem to have a problem with that or (maybe) is willing to change. The second is that you are failing to meet his needs and that you don't seem to have a problem with that or are willing to change.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

Thanks for the perspective, cdbaker! We went over all of that while in marriage counseling, it was the second counselor we went to. The second marriage counselor basically dumped us and told us that if H doesn't do what he is asked to do, then we shouldn't even bother to continue because it was clear that H wasn't going to change.

I was the one who initiated sex for years and I made sure that H got it at least 2-3 times a week. Even if he had been verbally abusive, I would approach him but the problem was that I used sex to try to FIX my fears. I would think, "If I have sex with him, maybe he'll be in a better mood tomorrow and I can have a day of peace or maybe he'll just be happier." He stopped initiating sex many years ago when our son was going through his own anxiety issues and I was consumed with that and turned H down a few times. And, I mean, it was about 5 times, not 50. He got pissed and decided that he hated being told NO and told me that the sex thing will be my job to fix.

And, every single time we had sex I gave him oral sex, without fail. It's not like I wasn't involved or just lay there. Honestly, it was always about his needs when it came to sex and that's just one of our issues.

The drinking started when his job got really bad, he was dry/sober for 15 years. We had issues with his drinking when we were dating and I told him I wouldn't marry him if he was still drinking. Both his parents were alcoholics.

Many of the things I mentioned especially relating to his personality were going on for 15 plus years, and while we were still active sexually. I pulled the plug on the sex when he told me that he didn't care about our son's emotional health and he accused me of turning him into the police for driving on a suspended license. I then started pulling away more when the lies started piling up and the blaming started to get bad. You can't have sex with someone who lies about so many things and makes you feel crazy. It wasn't a conscious thing or something I did to punish him, I truly felt sick if I thought of him touching me. It was just years of crap that piled up and I realized I didn't respect myself anymore. I have my own faults, and I've spent the last 2 years fixing my thinking, building up my self esteem, taking responsibility for my own feelings and actions, etc. He hated it when I started my own recovery because he told me he wanted me to change back: back to being a doormat and a people pleaser.

He has accused me of cheating for years(never have, by the way, I have enough on my plate and have no desire to get involved with another man), told me that I should leave him over the years and has told me that he hates himself. He threatened suicide after he got his DUI, he swore off drinking, promised our son he would quit and get help, etc. Then, he started drinking again a month later and the sex was still in the marriage at the time. 

Yes, I get that he's frustrated about sex. I just don't get why he doesn't file for divorce if he's so miserable. He has the job, the health insurance, an inheritance coming soon from his parents estate, etc. He'll be fine if he divorces me financially. I am the one who won't have anything and he knows I have limited choices.

One of the things the marriage counselor told him is that H doesn't seem to know how to have empathy or compassion for others. He has a pet name for his attitude and condescension he throws at other people, he calls it the "JS Experience" and the marriage counselor forced him to apologize to me for giving me the JS experience, LOL. I had become so numb to his outbursts and considered them normal that I didn't even think about it. The counselor was appalled and many times he would have to stop H while he was on a tirade and force H to look at himself. Well, that never worked and it always came back to H blaming the world, his job, his kid, his wife, his family, etc for his behavior/attitudes/actions. 

Basically, what it comes down to is that I am trying to recover from years of emotional and psychological and spiritual abuse while trying to hold onto hope that H will get help and that we can fix things. His own mother told me that I should kick him out because she had first hand experience with H's attitudes, etc.

My therapist thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder and untreated PTSD from his childhood. Honestly, though, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is: they symptoms are a conglomeration of serious mental health issues combined with substance abuse and antisocial behavior. 

My H has no friends, just acquaintances and he has no relationship with his siblings. He said he could go the rest of his life without speaking to his sister. He cuts people out of his life if they don't live up to his standards. Every single person on this earth can't measure up and he once told me that everyone on the planet is stupid, all except for himself. He said this 2 months before he was going to jail for his DUI. 

Some of the big issues I need H to address are how he treats our son. His mother (10 days before she passed away) called me concerned about how H was describing his relationship with our son to her. She said H sounded sick mentally. It's not just about attending the tournaments. Our son has been playing high level national tournaments for tennis since he was 10 and H has never been to 1 tournament to see his child play. Other parents think I'm single and many ask me about my H's status and why he doesn't attend. My H has referred to our son as 'his lordship' and has been jealous of our son since he was born. One of lies he told is when our son and I were in FL this summer for a tournament for 2 weeks and I asked my son if he had heard from his dad, he hadn't. I confronted H with the fact that he never initiated communication with us (I always called him, he never called me) and he said, "I did! I texted him before his first match but that kid just doesn't respond. He's lazy and ignores me." So, I went back through the phone/text records, I checked our son's phone, etc and found no evidence of any communication. Regardless, one text while your child is gone for 2 weeks is ridiculous and I refuse to take responsibility for his relationship with his child. I've made it clear that he needs to take the lead on this, and he won't.

He threw the neighbors under the bus recently, too, when they called the cops on him for playing the drums too loud late at night. They claim they called at 10:30 but H said it was 8:30 and that these neighbors are crazy and stupid and that they should have just come to the door. Well, H was in the garage with headphones on so I doubt he'd hear the doorbell, LOL. I wound up calling the police and found out the call came in at 10:30 like the neighbors claimed and I asked H about it. He said the police are wrong and that their system is faulty. It took all my strength to keep my mouth shut and and not let it fall to the floor in awe. Seriously? I was floored that he could claim the police would screw that up. He still, to this day, says the neighbors and the police are wrong!

I know this is a book, but I hope it helps clarify the insanity that I live with. Not saying our marriage issues are all his fault. I have so many faults but what I did was wrong: I singlehandedly tried to save our marriage, I fixed his problems for him, I made things go away so that he wouldn't have to deal with them, and now we're both paying the price. I want to grow up and be healthy spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. He's not ready yet.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

FYI: on the rape thing: he admitted he was trying to use my sexual abuse from the past to hurt me. He took one of the most awful things from my past and he went on and on about how, as a rape victim, I am damaged goods and how I wasn't doing my job as a Christian woman. Then, he said that my Bible verses weren't real verses to rely on for spiritual support. He claimed I was too Joyce Meyer with my faith and that I, obviously, don't believe in the Old Testament like he does. He said he is superior to me in his Biblical knowledge, blah, blah, blah.....It was the saddest thing I had ever experienced. I approached him 2 more times about what he said, trying to see if he would change his tune, but he stuck to his story and kept piling on more dirt and junk. He finally apologized 8 weeks later when he hurt our son with his tirade about my dad being an awful human being, even though the man was in hospice and dying. Not really sure the apology was real, quite frankly. Many times he apologizes but it seems more like, "I'm sorry I got caught and I'm being held accountable, not I'm sorry I hurt others with my words and actions."


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, what a great explanation. As I said, I didn't want you to feel like I was blaming you, and the truth is that any situation that is introduced here on TAM usually needs a massive explanation before everything makes perfect sense. I sometimes see a gap in a story and wonder if something is there when there often isn't anything there at all.

With all of that understood... gosh. Maybe wait for that inheritance to come in (if you are still married when he gets it, you might be entitled to part of it) and then consider pushing for a separation or divorce. It sounds like it has been made very clear to him that the marriage is on the verge of divorce, and that he is aware of what kind of things he could do to prevent that. So I wouldn't feel bad about going ahead and pursuing a separation or divorce. Remember, in most states divorce takes at least a few months before it can be final, so he'd still have time to change his mind and start proving it to you before anything is final. So even if you go that direction, he can still sort of have that one "last chance" before you sign on the dotted line...


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

andromeda said:


> FYI: on the rape thing: he admitted he was trying to use my sexual abuse from the past to hurt me. He took one of the most awful things from my past and he went on and on about how, as a rape victim, I am damaged goods and how I wasn't doing my job as a Christian woman. Then, he said that my Bible verses weren't real verses to rely on for spiritual support. He claimed I was too Joyce Meyer with my faith and that I, obviously, don't believe in the Old Testament like he does. He said he is superior to me in his Biblical knowledge, blah, blah, blah.....It was the saddest thing I had ever experienced. I approached him 2 more times about what he said, trying to see if he would change his tune, but he stuck to his story and kept piling on more dirt and junk. He finally apologized 8 weeks later when he hurt our son with his tirade about my dad being an awful human being, even though the man was in hospice and dying. Not really sure the apology was real, quite frankly. Many times he apologizes but it seems more like, "I'm sorry I got caught and I'm being held accountable, not I'm sorry I hurt others with my words and actions."


UGH. There isn't much in this world that pisses me off quicker than a husband who misuses the BIBLE to create a false sense of self righteousness and make unjustified demands on his wife. The men who try to point to Ephesians 5:22-24 saying something like, "IT SAYS WOMEN SUBMIT TO MEN, IT SAYS IT RIGHT THERE!" bull****, as if they skipped to those verses and then promptly stopped reading reading altogether. Completely ignoring verses 21 or 25-33. Or they forget 1st Peter 3:7, 1st Corinthians 7:1-7, Colossians 3:19, etc. 

Husbands are told to LOVE their wives without condition. They can be angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, etc. but they still must love their wives at all times. They are to protect her, treat her with honor, value her virtue, etc. Yes women are called to respect their husbands, and that does include engaging sexually with them, but selfishly and brutally manipulating you isn't the way that is supposed to work, and there is certainly nothing loving about it.

If he feels that you were damaged goods and didn't want to deal with that, then he shouldn't have married you. And besides, it's not like women in that situation are "broken" or anything, it's just that much more important that they be treated the right way. (As they are more susceptible to pain caused by being treated the wrong way)

Lastly, I am a christian and have studied the bible off and on through the years, though by no means am I any more learned than your average sunday attendee, I don't understand the references to the old testament. Is he Jewish or Christian? My understanding is that the laws of the old testament were replaced with the grace of the new testament. Where the new testament is more like a guide to living, the old testament is more of a history book to see where we came from. Perhaps I misunderstand his use of it however...


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

I don't know what he meant by the dig on me not believing the Old Testament. He was raised Catholic and knows his Bible verses in and out and he made reference to how he gets into the meat of the Bible and the history of it, but my Bible verses(mostly encouraging words from James, Timothy, letters to the Corinthians, etc) were fluff and were about unicorns and rainbows. It was a pathetic attempt by him to make himself look better than me.

As for the inheritance, i spoke with a lawyer and found out that I wouldn't be entitled to any of it anyway, which is fine by me. I would only ask that H take care of our son and pay for as much college or higher level education he could afford. 

For me, it's going to be about making sure my son is emotionally stable and that I provide a safe place for him to find peace and know he is loved, etc. His father sends him mixed messages at times, and I work hard to be stable, communicate without throwing his father under the bus, etc but it takes a lot of effort on my part. I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and I've shed a lot of tears yet I still feel like I have a long way to go! I do feel that I have grown so much, though, and for that I am grateful for the lessons I'm learning in my marriage.


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## andromeda (Mar 16, 2010)

Just wanted to thank those who responded here. I was at a low, still wondering how I'm going to bring about the conversation, and how I'm going to make it on my own.


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