# First visit to new counselor



## Numb in Ohio

I had my first visit today, and guess what?? She says she doesn't think I'm Co dependent.. 

She said she doesn't like to label people,, but says it's more from being a "battered wife",, almost all signs of abuse, except for actual physical abuse or "verbal violence" (different than verbal abuse) 
It's more on the lines of "Stockholm syndrome" instead of codependency. 

She gave me a book to read "Safe people" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. 

She also gave me #'s to call to set up a initial meeting that will be necessary before being able to join the support group she suggested for me. 

Her first order of business in counseling is going to work on my "assertiveness"

She wants me to do a 30 day "black out" from H. 

I go back next week, so we will see,,,,, I hope this one works,, she seems very experienced.


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## Torrivien

I think that you found a cool counselor. Keep us updated!

What's the difference between verbal abuse and verbal violence ?


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## Numb in Ohio

Torrivien said:


> I think that you found a cool counselor. Keep us updated!
> 
> What's the difference between verbal abuse and verbal violence ?


Verbal abuse is just saying mean things,,,,verbal violence is pretty much threatening.... saying "I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna beat you" etc... ?? This is what she explained,, I'm not sure exactly. This could be something she feels about it,, to separate them.


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## Hope1964

I am glad more counselors are realizing that not EVERYONE is a codependent. I wish you best of luck with this counselor and with your support group!


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## Torrivien

Numb in Ohio said:


> Verbal abuse is just saying mean things,,,,verbal violence is pretty much threatening.... saying "I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna beat you" etc... ?? This is what she explained,, I'm not sure exactly. This could be something she feels about it,, to separate them.


Actually, I can see the difference.
I'm really glad you're getting comfortable with this one. Is it gonna be a session per week ?


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## Numb in Ohio

Yes, at least for a while it will be weekly.

She is contracted with my insurance, so she says I shouldn't have to pay anything. That's a plus...


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## Numb in Ohio

I do need to find out more on some legal issues... she advises me to not divorce until we are married 10 years.. she said this will help in all aspects,, but she was mostly pointing out financially. 
I am not sure I need to worry about that if he says he is willing to pay off my 2 credit cards,,, and then nothing else after that. ( those should only take a year to pay off). It would be put into our dissolution paperwork, so legal for him to pay me the money for them.

I don't think I need to expect more than that from him?


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## Conrad

How close are you to 10 years?


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## Numb in Ohio

Conrad said:


> How close are you to 10 years?



Our 9 year was just Aug. 2nd...... so it would be another year.


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## Conrad

Numb in Ohio said:


> Our 9 year was just Aug. 2nd...... so it would be another year.


Would you like to get alimony from him?


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## Numb in Ohio

She told me to start a list of what "I" want.

I am trying to decide if it's worth it or not... I am not sure I want to stay married another year just to up the ante.

That's not what I'm thinking about. Yes I expect him to help pay off some of "our" debt... but I think my peace of mind is what's going to be my biggest "paycheck". 

I think going after money might be seen more as greed or revenge... 

( Unless I consider it payment for "pain and suffering" )


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## Conrad

Numb in Ohio said:


> She told me to start a list of what "I" want.
> 
> I am trying to decide if it's worth it or not... I am not sure I want to stay married another year just to up the ante.
> 
> That's not what I'm thinking about. Yes I expect him to help pay off some of "our" debt... but I think my peace of mind is what's going to be my biggest "paycheck".
> 
> I think going after money might be seen more as greed or revenge...
> 
> ( Unless I consider it payment for "pain and suffering" )


Putting on my "Doctor Evil" cap.

He's not a man of his word.

If you ask for what you want and he hedges, you simply state you're willing to wait until you qualify for alimony.

Cool... firm... dispassionate

That should send an icy chill down through his toes.


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## Numb in Ohio

If I decide to wait for the 10 year,, and he knows what I'm doing... he could file on his own, right?

Can I delay it? Not sure how all that works?


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## Conrad

Numb in Ohio said:


> If I decide to wait for the 10 year,, and he knows what I'm doing... he could file on his own, right?
> 
> Can I delay it? Not sure how all that works?


Divorces take anywhere from 6-13 months.

No way you could be accused of "delaying" anything.

By bringing it up, you'll be giving him a "different perspective" on being fair in the present tense.


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## Pluto2

The ten year mark s to ensure you can collect the maximum amount of social security benefits upon retirement. Once you are married for ten years, nothing can divest you of the benefits.


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## shenox

I think you went to the right place. 
keep us updated


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## Kurosity

I smiled when reading that you have found a good person to help you figure things. It is great news  I hope I have the same experience with my first IC appointment to day!


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## Numb in Ohio

Today i had my appt at the DV center. I was accepted and will go to their educational session tomorrow, and will start group counseling on Thursday evening. It is a 45 min drive, as I am in a small county, so have to travel to get to better resources..

She also gave me some names of some other attorneys to talk to about the issue of waiting for the 10 year mark before divorce, and more rights...

I was kinda speechless when she asked me if I have a safety plan if he tries to come into house now that he has his own apartment.. as we have not had NC since the 19th, and I know this has to be eating away at him.. even though he keeps track of me through my daughter. 

It just seems so surreal, that I have to think about a safety plan,,and that I am labeled a "battered wife" (even without physical abuse)... 

I am almost overwhelmed,, but at least I have been reading up on abuse, so I am more aware of his actions and words ( when we have contact again).. now to work on my assertiveness, and self esteem so I can get myself to stand up to him when we do communicate.


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