# Do politics make the man?



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

For those of you in marriages w/ ppl of opposing politic beliefs, how does it affect your day-to-day living, long range goals & how you see you partner? I am w/ a man whose politics are the polar opposite of mine & it is slowly eroding my feelings & enthusiasm about being w/ him. Some of his lifestyle choices, friends, worldview & beliefs don't sit well with me. I am trying to be open-minded & live and let live about it. But, when you aren't "equally yoked" as some say, it can cause issues.

He is a great guy. But part of me feels like I might as well be alone bcuz I just withdraw. How do u make ur opposing belief systems marriage work? And btw, we aren't going to have kids. That is a bad idea when u are in the situation I am in, I think.
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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

ask James Carville...


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Everybody says that. I think money helps grease the wheel of any conflict there. Thoughtful answers from ppl in these types of relationships, please. Thanks.
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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

We don't talk about it much. Also neither of us are rabid about one party or the other- but if I started spouting off like Rush Limbaugh or he started sounding like Barney Frank that would make it more challenging. I wish we held more similar views... But we still ave some things in common politically. 

I think if politics are a big part of what he loves or a real passion- THAT would be something to explore further.
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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

We are both politically aware & motivated in opposition. It's like oil & water. This affects lifestyle & personal choices...some of his affect how I feel about being w/ him :-(
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When you married were you more similar?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Are you married or in a committed relationship? Are kids involved?

As others have said, it's probably an issue if either /both of you is extreme, or if politics is important to you.

Politics is very important to me and I'm an active member of a couple of organization related to politics. 

I enjoy thoughtful conversations with people whose views are different from my own--but I have found that very, very few people actually know much and they are simply repeating what they heard on the radio. 

I get frustrated by people who ignore or dismiss actual evidence that contradicts their p.o.v. I could *not* be with someone like that!

So if your feelings are changing b/c of this, pay attention. It is not likely to get better.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> When you married were you more similar?


No. It's not an issue for him.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But was it an issue for you? Doesn't matter what he thinks right now.

Religion, politics, kids and money should be pretty much on the same wavelength in a marriage, imo. A foundation that is solid for the both of you. 

What DO you have in common?


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> But was it an issue for you? Doesn't matter what he thinks right now.
> 
> Religion, politics, kids and money should be pretty much on the same wavelength in a marriage, imo. A foundation that is solid for the both of you.
> 
> What DO you have in common?


That is what I struggle with. I don't know that we have enuf in common to have a successful marriage...love isn't enuf.
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think it's important to be on the same page...or at least close to it. Think about it.... political views are based on our core beliefs, ie. abortion, work ethic, gun control, Big Brother, civil rights, etc... 

If you just don't agree, and there is no meeting in the middle (because sometimes there just isn't).... then ya, love is not enough.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

honeysuckle rose said:


> It's like oil & water. This affects lifestyle & personal choices...some of his affect how I feel about being w/ him :-(


This is where your political differences could cause problems in the relationship.

My ex and I had differing political beliefs on gun control and abortion. It made for spirited dinner debate, but we respected each other's opinion. 

If it had come down to our lifestyle and personal choices ... I would have been far more cautious.

Our breakup had nothing to do with political or religious differences, both of which we had. I married an alcoholic, whose disease progressed to the point that it was no longer viable, or logical, to live with him.

You are feeling your political differences could affect your lifestyle. BIG issue to consider.

I'd wait before making a commitment.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I am not currently in that situation but have been in the past (with my daughter's father) and let me tell you, it did not work. If a person has heldfast, strong beliefs and is unwilling to at least listen to other view points then it is veeeerrrryyy difficult to get along. My ex would rant and rave about this that or the other thing and then say that I was ignorant for voting. :scratchhead: I told him that if he was so adamant in his beliefs, that he should vote his convictions and I thought to not do so was ignorant. I'll bet you can see where this is going. I do have personal beliefs that I hold onto and am willing to argue over BUT I would not be so disrespectful to others who have differing viewpoints. I could never understand his stubborness. I think he may be one of the most stubborn people I've ever known. Not a good match up at all!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

This kind of reminds me of my best friend, her BF got upset when she told him who she voted for in a recent election, he said to her "I'm so disappointed in you, I told you to vote for so-so & you disobeyed me."
WTF? 
No way in hell I could be with someone who expected me to vote for who they told me to vote for, that's just way too controlling for me.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> This kind of reminds me of my best friend, her BF got upset when she told him who she voted for in a recent election, he said to her "I'm so disappointed in you, I told you to vote for so-so & you disobeyed me."
> WTF?
> No way in hell I could be with someone who expected me to vote for who they told me to vote for, that's just way too controlling for me.


Argh... I have seen this in other relationships too. Do they not think that their gf/wife has a brain of her own (it's usually the man who tries to dictate)? Those type of partners want servants who will do their bidding - not true partners.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

in my tree said:


> Argh... I have seen this in other relationships too. Do they not think that their gf/wife has a brain of her own (it's usually the man who tries to dictate)? Those type of partners want servants who will do their bidding - not true partners.


It's really frustrating to hear what he does & because her self esteem has been shattered over the years, she blindly takes it.
She does it because she's worried she'll never find another man since she's "gasp", 29 & wants to have babies in a few years.
Her exact words were "I've spent almost 3 years with him, I can't give up now, it will take too long to find another man."
Meanwhile she knows he trolls for women on OK Cupid "just to talk to."
Yes, my best friend has her own TAM worthy issue(s).


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

geek down said:


> ask James Carville...


Not trying to hijack the thread, but Carville and Matalin are professional political hacks. They believe in the people they support, but half the things they say are pure spin. They don't believe what they say, and the partner knows it.

To the OPs question, deeply held political beliefs correspond with deeply held philosophies about human behavior. If you both believe deeply in your causes, it's bound to cause a lot of friction...possibly more than the relationship can stand.

But, let me distinguish between deeply held political beliefs and the tribalism that has arisen in our politics. We've reached the point where conservatives label liberalism as a mental illness and liberals call conservatives wing-nuts. To me, if that's what's driving the friction, it's solvable. First, you need to recognize the problem and then BOTH of you remove yourselves from the types of discussion arenas where rhetoric runs hot.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> I think it's important to be on the same page...or at least close to it. Think about it.... political views are based on our core beliefs, ie. abortion, work ethic, gun control, Big Brother, civil rights, etc...
> 
> If you just don't agree, and there is no meeting in the middle (because sometimes there just isn't).... then ya, love is not enough.


You can differ in politics and still have a good marriage..You just need more things in common..


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> It's really frustrating to hear what he does & because her self esteem has been shattered over the years, she blindly takes it.
> She does it because she's worried she'll never find another man since she's "gasp", 29 & wants to have babies in a few years.
> Her exact words were "I've spent almost 3 years with him, I can't give up now, it will take too long to find another man."
> Meanwhile she knows he trolls for women on OK Cupid "just to talk to."
> Yes, my best friend has her own TAM worthy issue(s).


29?? omg - she has a looong time to go! Please try and convince her to see past this guy. I'm sure she could be in another relationship soon, if she wanted to. Maybe she could come on TAM and read some of the stories here. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this and she will grow to resent him. 

btw - tell her there are middle aged women here who are still able to have babies (although no freakin' way!) if it's the biological issue that she is worried about.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I've tried to get through to her, she won't leave him, though I know she is fully aware of the sitution because she gets very defensive.
He recently told her that he doesn't know if he can marry her because she left too many papers on her counter/bar. 
She now has anxiety every time he comes over, she worries if he will be unhappy with her cleaning methods.
She even spent $600 she couldn't afford to buy a Dyson because of some off hand comment he made about the vacuums. 
BUT the best thing he's done, which goes back to this thread, is tell my best friend, that he didn't like that we were friends because I'm a Democrat & he didn't know if I could be her MOH.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Me and my STBXW were on the same plateau with James Carville and Mary Matalin. I respected her conservative views moreso than she respected my liberal/moderate views. 

But we ran up and down the political spectrum~ she didn't believe in abortion for any reason! I believe in the woman's right to choose, but I abhor the practice richly thinking that if a woman does that, then it's squarely between her and God.

STBXW defiantly defended the "Bush tax cuts" for the upper 1%, while I absolutely loathed it.

Conversely, STBXW thought that drugs should be legalized(since her kids were all using them) and as the Progressive, I hated illegal drug usage of any kind by anyone!

I truly feel that a couple can definitely come to know and love each other, and still have a profound respect for each others political belief system!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine are both Independent politically... we can see GOOD and BAD on both sides..all depends on the issue at hand... which we generally DO seem to agree on...this helps tremendously. But because we are caught so much in the middle, we don't always vote. 

Our Church seems to want to paint every voting Democrat as hypocrites who have fallen from the faith and are spitting on God. We find that very judgemental. They both have issues that slaughter Jesus's teachings for that matter, not just Democrats....while Republicans smell like a rose. Laughable. 

I think it would be very very difficult if a couple was really FIRED UP politically & it ruled much of their conversation... Just as religiously, it also would be a HUGE contention....ongoing war of values, beliefs... very hard to live with.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

well if you dont get along why are you together?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

honeysuckle rose said:


> For those of you in marriages w/ ppl of opposing politic beliefs, how does it affect your day-to-day living, long range goals & how you see you partner? I am w/ a man whose politics are the polar opposite of mine & it is slowly eroding my feelings & enthusiasm about being w/ him. Some of his lifestyle choices, friends, worldview & beliefs don't sit well with me. I am trying to be open-minded & live and let live about it. But, when you aren't "equally yoked" as some say, it can cause issues.
> 
> He is a great guy. But part of me feels like I might as well be alone bcuz I just withdraw. How do u make ur opposing belief systems marriage work? And btw, we aren't going to have kids. That is a bad idea when u are in the situation I am in, I think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My grandparents had the greatest marriage of anyone I have ever known. They cancelled each others votes out for about 55 years. I tend to lean more towards grandpa's politics but their open and honest and respectful discourse regarding the issues helped shape my politics in a very positive manner. It is great to be passionate about politics but once emotions come into the equation it becomes annoying.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

honeysuckle rose said:


> For those of you in marriages w/ ppl of opposing politic beliefs, how does it affect your day-to-day living, long range goals & how you see you partner? I am w/ a man whose politics are the polar opposite of mine & it is slowly eroding my feelings & enthusiasm about being w/ him. Some of his lifestyle choices, friends, worldview & beliefs don't sit well with me. I am trying to be open-minded & live and let live about it. But, when you aren't "equally yoked" as some say, it can cause issues.
> 
> He is a great guy. But part of me feels like I might as well be alone bcuz I just withdraw. How do u make ur opposing belief systems marriage work? And btw, we aren't going to have kids. That is a bad idea when u are in the situation I am in, I think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


are you freaking kiddin me!

really let me some it up for you.

all democrates are crooks they are only after setting themselves up on the tax payers dime so the can have the best health care and great big retirement plans and really only work half the time while the raise money the other half to keep their jobs.Oh and use their knoledgage of inside trading to really set themselves up to be super wealthy when they retire.

and ditto for all republicans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and so your going to let a buch of no good crooks stop you from happiness. 

are your core values the same if not then thats a problem.


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