# Do all men cheat?



## uhaul4mybaggage

I thought I had one that wouldn't. But guess what?

Anyhow, I am 44 and just divorced. I am still pretty shattered. But I'm wondering if it is even worth it to consider looking again. 

Tell me how to know I can trust him. Cuz I suck at that, apparently.


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## that_girl

No, not all men cheat. Just like not all women cheat.

Some do, though, and it's devastating. I'm sorry you went through that and are still dealing with the after effects 


I don't know how you can trust the next guy...I have trust issues so I know that something like that would ruin me. It would be difficult to trust again, that's for sure.

Are you in any kind of therapy for yourself?


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## Jeff74

Not all men cheat. Not all women cheat. Only those who choose to cheat do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChelseaBlue

No.


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## anchorwatch

NOooooo!!!


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## waiwera

No they don't. Some do but not all. Same with women.

Sorry you've been hurt.. but there are many many good man out there.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Yeah. Therapy, anti depressants, group and individual, I'm one cracked individual since 2004 (DDay). Fiance before him cheated, but I didn't have kids so I left him. I think I've cried just about every day for the last 8 years. 
Just wondering if life will get any better.


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## couple

No, not all men cheat but just about any man CAN cheat. women too.

Love is love and sex is sex. Even good men and good women can cheat. Nobody is without flaws. The search for someone who would never cheat can land you alone or with someone with worse flaws.


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## Browncoat

Sorry your husband let you down, but no not all men cheat.

Been married ~15 years and have never come close to cheating.


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## FirstYearDown

The only reason I think all men cheat is what I grew up seeing.

EVERY man in my family was proudly unfaithful. 

I know it is irrational and unfair to paint every man with the same brush, however it is hard not to be cynical when you have only seen dishonest men. I trust my husband 90%, which is more faith than I have had in any guy. I cannot bring myself to trust any male completely. I just can't.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

My dad was unfaithful, but very honest about it. And he did quit of his own volition. My Grandma was unfaithful (and along came my dad..)

My ex's dad was unfaithful, and maybe I should have known. My son will probably follow his dad's example and play his relationships like a chess game. I don't want games. 180s, keeping tabs. I'd rather be alone.


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## that_girl

I never knew anyone who cheated (in my family) until my uncle's wife of 25 years left him for her badmitton partner. Biiiiiig drama. I was 23.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Wonder if it runs in families. I have been straight as an arrow. But lonely as hell.


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## Goldmember357

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I thought I had one that wouldn't. But guess what?
> 
> Anyhow, I am 44 and just divorced. I am still pretty shattered. But I'm wondering if it is even worth it to consider looking again.
> 
> Tell me how to know I can trust him. Cuz I suck at that, apparently.


No not all men cheat but i would say the vast majority of men in the world cheat. I am a family lawyer and yes do lots of divorce cases majority of the cases i have done or seen involve a woman filing for divorce 70% of the time they do. Typical reasons are (cheating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, lying, or a combo of all those things). When men file for divorce from what i have seen its like this half the time the man got cheated on by his wife so he is files for divorce or the other half of the time he is cheating on her with multiple women or he met another woman and wants to divorce his wife before she finds out he is cheating.

Btw rarely are people very very very rarely are people truly divorcing cause they are not "in love anymore" and in most of all the cases i dont think people were ever really in love the allot of times its really sad to see someone who thought they were loved and they were in love be hit with infidelity. All the stats that talk about how most people divorce cause of "economic" issues are BS people lie about why they divorce half the time.


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## kittykat09

Goldmember357 said:


> No not all men cheat but i would say the vast majority of men in the world cheat. I am a family lawyer and yes do lots of divorce cases majority of the cases i have done or seen involve a woman filing for divorce 70% of the time they do. Typical reasons are (cheating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, lying, or a combo of all those things). When men file for divorce from what i have seen its like this half the time the man got cheated on by his wife so he is files for divorce or the other half of the time he is cheating on her with multiple women or he met another woman and wants to divorce his wife before she finds out he is cheating.
> 
> Btw rarely are people very very very rarely are people truly divorcing cause they are not "in love anymore" and in most of all the cases i dont think people were ever really in love the allot of times its really sad to see someone who thought they were loved and they were in love be hit with infidelity. All the stats that talk about how most people divorce cause of "economic" issues are BS people lie about why they divorce half the time.


As a divorce lawyer your conclusion shouldn't be that "the vast majority" of men cheat, but that the vast majority of divorces are related to infidelity. Big difference.


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## tacoma

I think a majority does just like a majority of women do.

No way to know who to trust.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

If a majority of women do, I know some of them, but not as many. Not saying you're wrong. Just that I know more men that have than women.


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## LadyFrog

No, uhaul, they don't all cheat. Definitely not. You have been hurt, but there are good ones out there.


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## tacoma

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> If a majority of women do, I know some of them, but not as many. Not saying you're wrong. Just that I know more men that have than women.


I know of more women who cheat than men.

Where does that leave us?


The stats state that it`s pretty even, something like 64% of women and 70% of men.

Those are just the ones who will admit to it in a anonymous survey.


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## Goldmember357

kittykat09 said:


> As a divorce lawyer your conclusion shouldn't be that "the vast majority" of men cheat, but that the vast majority of divorces are related to infidelity. Big difference.


I will explain why i said that. However yes in my direct experience with fact most divorces are because of infidelity.

I came to this conclusion cause i majored in Psychology and in environmental science (dont ask me why). I feel i have a good understanding of how people are and act and why some people do certain things. I also have a very good understanding of evolution (also religious btw). I simply use my knowledge and all that i know about human history, evolution, and the differences between males and females physically, differences in the brain and than actions i see i than apply all of that with all the books i read in psychology and allot of what is accepted and i come to the conclusion that most people are not truly "good people" and that most men cheat and not so much to be "mean" but because most men like most people this includes women are selfish. Most men cheat cause males for a million reasons are essentially programmed to be be the more promiscuous sex and crave sex more among the desires that are programmed into males to make them wish to impregnate as many women as they can. 

I feel that most males in the world from my studies and research and knowledge do cheat or will at some point at least 1 time and its more so do to the fact most of them cannot truly commit themselves to a monogamous relationship among many other social factors and biological factors. In addition i am a lawyer and i have dealt with many many divorce cases i have read all the statistics and i have seen more stats, data and research and analysis on infidelity, and reasons and causes for divorces not only in the US but other countries as well. I realize that males in the US are not to much different than males in other countries and i also realize that divorce is more common in the US cause women can get more out of a divorce than they can in other countries, this leads me to believe there are loads more of men in other countries cheating on their wives or girlfriends or at some point in life will however they are not divorced by "set" wife because the wife has little power, control or would gain almost nothing or may go down in status if she divorces the husband, i have seen countless stats and studies on the % of men who file for divorce in other countries as well and its extremely low. I do not think its okay for men or women to cheat and i do feel men are essentially biologically programmed to cheat. But its not so much to cheat as they are programmed to sleep with as much women they can. 


However we have control over what we do we control our actions just cause the male is more sexual and wants it all the time is not justification of cheating in a marriage or in a monogamous relationship. If someone feels they cant commit truly than they should avoid getting in such a relationship.


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## Shaggy

No, and I think women actually cheat more than men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> No, uhaul, they don't all cheat. Definitely not. You have been hurt, but there are good ones out there.


Exactly there are very good men out there who would never cheat ever it goes against their moral code and who they are as a person. Heck i am sure we have all had the urge to want to sleep with another woman but i would never do such a thing to my wife.

Thinking and doing are vastly different


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## uhaul4mybaggage

My ex and I (I thought we were on the same page) used to play a game called who would you do? (Ex: Katie Perry or J Lo?) Because I TRUSTED that thinking and doing are vastly different. I would not have gone in the BR with (*my top choice*) even if he came to the door, because I was MARRIED and COMMITTED. 

I just want to REEALLY be on the same page next time, you know?


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Mich--and you base this on what?


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## Goldmember357

michzz said:


> I think you may be misstating how you arrived at the conclusion.
> 
> Majoring in a subject in college is not enough data to go on for us to accept your premise.
> 
> We need statistical data.
> 
> 
> Men do not cheat at higher rates compared to women. However, they admit it more frequently than women do.


Agggh do you really want me to explain it all in great detail? do you really want to see countless stats and research findings?


What i said is not at all an absurd notion anyone who has studied human evolution and psychology and knows the differences between male and female brain would arrive at the same conclusion i arrived at. Need i list a number of well known Psychologist, or scientist who hold the same belief?.. I am not denying that female cheating/infidelity occurs and it increases in some types of culture/societies however by and large males will and have through history cheated more and been the far more promiscuous sex. I like to stick to facts and detail thus i block out what misogynist say and crazy radical feminist who try to paint the picture that all women are lesbians just cause they are lesbians. 

I will if you want it will be very time consuming for me to dig all of this up and very long posts but i will do it.


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## Goldmember357

women to me (no offense ladies) i feel are terrible at lying they tell everyone there secrets. Every guy who has come to file for divorce that has involved his wife cheating on him majority of the time he found out his wife cheated before she ever even told him.

when women come file for divorce cause hubby is cheating either 

A) it occurred before but it was supposed to never happen again

or 

B) he told her

or 

C) he does not know how to use a computer and she found out via evidence. Or she found out some other way


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## uhaul4mybaggage

crazy radical feminist who try to paint the picture that all women are lesbians just cause they are lesbians

WTF?

Im laughing. I didn't know I could do that. I also didn't know I was a lesbian. But apparently I'm a laughing lesbian. Go figure.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Yeah, I found out. But he divorced me because I wouldn't conveniently divorce him. I had made a vow, and he had made other plans.


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## tacoma

Goldmember357 said:


> women to me (no offense ladies) i feel are terrible at lying they tell everyone there secrets.


All due respect but maybe you should have spent less time in Phy I and more time out in the world.

Women are by nature master manipulators, they`ve had to be for centuries in this patriarchal culture.


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## Goldmember357

No i just dislike the picture some radical feminist try to paint and its a picture that all women are either (bisexual, lesbians) are built to be sexual freak animal's and that often fits into their agenda of detaching women far far away from things like child bearing, child rearing and relationships with a male as the "leader".

I also dislike the lies the Misogynist promote and their claims that you have to cheat on all women cause they will cheat on you cause apparently all women are (sl#ts, or not logical enough) to deny sex and will screw the next "better" man that appears. Many of these guys are straight beta males and have no confidence.


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## Goldmember357

tacoma said:


> All due respect but maybe you should have spent less time in Phy I and more time out in the world.
> 
> Women are by nature master manipulators, they`ve had to be for centuries in this patriarchal culture.


lol i know women lie a lot of small white lies here and there often to avoid confrontation or not hurt someones's feelings.

Did you also know that women are the more the more traditional, compassionate and emotional sex?

So yes women lie and they are also terrible at hiding it. Not to brag about male superiority but the best liar's and best lawyers tend to be males. Lying and cheating and going behind people's backs is huge in law school and only way to succeed. The top firms in the country in transactional law the rich firms are no doubt often filled with mostly males and all the litigation work and yes court room lawyers they prefer to be men often. (they prefer males over females but more women are getting law degree's now as in general more degrees period than men) and these guy's are excellent liar's and great backstabbers. Women do lie no doubt buddy i never denied this but they are not great liar's (imo). I have spent plenty of time in the real world so not sure what is with that comment. Women in law are often poor liar's


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Do you mean Alpha males?

My ex literally said to me at one point (when he was caught, obviously) that trust was not important in a marriage. 

Who the hell did I marry? I know guys are biologically driven to spread it around. I know. But the lying. O. M. G.


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## that_girl

:rofl:

I love how people group all of anything together.



Stop it already.

I know plenty of women who are great liars. Why do you think I have a hard time being friends with women?  So many liars!

I know a lot of honest men. 

I know a lot of honest women.

I don't lie to avoid confrontation. that's just lame.


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## Goldmember357

Allot of devil's advocate and political correctness i see. 



That girl- sorry i was not meaning to say that all women are terrible liar's i realize this may offend some women as you dont want to be told your sex is incapable of being good at something. I never said you lied to avoid confrontation. However lying to avoid confrontation is one of the key reasons people chose to lie and that is regardless of the sex of the person.


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## Paulination

No. Cheating takes a multitude of steps and the ignoring of boundaries to get there. Each one is a step that could be avoided. My wife said to me a while ago (she has always been emphatically against cheating) that she now believes anyone could cheat (her good "religous" friend cheated) given the right circumstances and I called bullsh!t. No one is going to tempt me to betray my vows and jeopardize my family. Trust me, I have had my opportunities but as soon as I realize what is happenning I go the other way.

The only time I can see cheating being somewhat excusable is when the spouse is denied sex for no good reason and they have exhausted all avenues to resolve it. Still, divorce should come first.


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## waiwera

Goldmember357 - you remind me very much of a friend of ours. He's a policeman (detective now) and has been for nearly 30 years. He's a good man but he has become very cynical and jaded over the years... he thinks everyone is either scum or a victim...cause most of the people he deals with all day are either scum or a victim.

Just saying...


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## Paulination

One last thought. When you pick someone to share the vows with you pick them mind, body and soul. You have to think about all of that before you walk the aisle. Once you are married, you must be absolutely committed to the marriage. Marriage is so much more than some a$$ on the side. If your spouse damages the marriage in some way, I get it not working out but as an individual, you must do all you can to bring your best self into it. If you do that, infidelity won't enter the equation. I'll stop now. 2 glasses of wine and I am rambling.


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## Browncoat

While I've not cheated in 15 years, I agree with others...

I'm still human, give me a moment of weakness combined with an opportunity with a woman offering things I know/don't know I've been missing for a long time. I'm not going to say it's 100% even then that I'd cheat, but the thought would cross my mind as much as it pains me to admit it.

That's why I just strive to avoid time alone with any other woman (married or not). The best way to beat temptation is to avoid it imo.


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## Goldmember357

waiwera said:


> Goldmember357 - you remind me very much of a friend of ours. He's a policeman (detective now) and has been for nearly 30 years. He's a good man but he has become very cynical and jaded over the years... he thinks everyone is either scum or a victim...cause most of the people he deals with all day are either scum or a victim.
> 
> Just saying...


Are you religious by any chance? 

If that is the case than would you not agree that most people will not enter through the gates of heaven?



> Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” —Matthew 7:13-14





> “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, AND FEW THERE BE THAT FIND IT” (Matthew 7:14; Luke 13:23,24).


If you are not religious than what do you think of the great Agnostic and Evolutionary scholar's and scientists who's findings are analogous to mine?

My views are not really uncommon in regards to most human beings. The world is not a happy place filled with rainbow and bunnies of course i am sure you know this. I like to acknowledge the reality of things and i dislike political correctness so the people who try to play devil's advocate or be politically correct because data and facts hurts their beliefs just bother me. 

But yes i see into many marriages or rather the problems people come forward with and the truth behind most divorces. I suppose that gives me a more negative gloomy and cynical view on most people and most marriages i also truly feel bad for allot of people. I present my own findings through my work and some dislike it cause its not what they want to believe i offer my sources and people still wish to question it i suppose to remain in some constant state of denial in order to avoid having their beliefs and views contradicted with facts. 

I am a happy person though when not addressing gloomy topics.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

no one is their best self 100% of the time. So to say that infidelity entered the equation because I didn't bring my best self is horseplop. I get it that men need sex like women need air. Women need trust like men need sex like women need air. 

I don't believe that bringing your best self will guarantee anything. Cheating is a choice.


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## Bobby5000

I never cheated and don't think I ever would. I think there are two kinds of cheating. One is infidelity in a reasonably happy marriage. That is wrong. The other is the person dealing with a difficult and unreasonable situation. 

I know of one person who cheated but she had a very difficult and domineeing husband, so I am not sure I blame her. In another relationship, I think she would have been faithful.


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## unbelievable

I don't cheat. I find most women attractive in one way or another but I try to keep my promises and if I have to sneak around to do something it's probably not in my best interest.


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## unbelievable

Also, if you've bitten into several chocolates in the box and they all contain nuts, it's a safe bet the next one will be a little nutty, too.


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## Jeff74

It's funny to read people write that "more men than women cheat" or even funnier to read that most men will cheat. 

I realize there is a family attorney on this thread claiming to have done his research on the subject and I have no reason to doubt this. I guess I have several issues with the logic and will present 2 questions:

1. What is the definition of cheating? Is it simply having sex outside of a relationship?

2. If we define cheating as having sex outside of a relationship, does that mean that more men cheat with single women? Then the question becomes, why do so many single women have sex with married men?

Ah...the wonders of human nature!


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## uhaul4mybaggage

what cheating is, depends upon the constructs of your individual relationship. Most (but not all) people agree that extramarital sex is cheating. Most (but not all) agree that emotional involvement is cheating. There's also porn, shopping.. anything that makes you lie to your spouse and deceive them to hide your activities can be (and probably is, to them,) cheating.


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## AFEH

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Yeah. Therapy, anti depressants, group and individual, I'm one cracked individual since 2004 (DDay). Fiance before him cheated, but I didn't have kids so I left him. I think I've cried just about every day for the last 8 years.
> Just wondering if life will get any better.


It’s not what happens to us in life that really counts, it’s not what people do to us or even how other people make us feel that counts.

It’s how we handle it all, how we respond to what they do to us.

For me crying just about every day for eight years is kind of a madness as a response to what someone has done to you. I don’t want to appear too hard on you, but you do appear to me to want to be a sad, defeated type of person. If you didn't then you wouldn't have cried for eight years! You'd have done something else.

I think some people have so much resentment inside of them that peace and harmony just doesn’t get a look in, it actually gets locked out by the anger and hatred associated with the resentment.

And that this situation goes on for such a long time that the person actually forgets what it’s like to feel at peace with themselves and the world and in harmony with other people. Instead these people become exceptionally bitter and mistrustful of others no matter how good or honourable their intent!

After eight years of crying your way of being is now a habit, your way of being is actually the person you are at your very core. And it would take immense effort on your behaviour to rid yourself of your resentment such that you are once again open to let peace and harmony, trust and optimism back inside of you.


And the ONLY way I know of doing this is with forgiveness, prayer and some wisdom. You’d have to learn things like impulse control to break your very deeply embedded, life-time habits.

If YOU do that, if YOU do the work then for sure your life will get better. How better is of course up to you.


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## 827Aug

I can relate to what you are going through. If it weren't for all the good men in my life, I would probably have similar negative feelings towards men. Actually many men have been supportive of me and have condemned my estranged husband's behavior. No doubt I've had a very rough six years. My cheating husband is only part of the equation though.

Don't focus on finding the next man. Become your own person first.


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## Gratitude

Not all, you must know that there are exceptions to every rule. 

I'd say the majority though. My mother has worked in family law for 25 years, infidelity is the major cause of divorce. More men. Why? Probably they are wired differently, higher sex drive. Can separate sex and love. Categorising of course, not all men. Majority though. Women cheat of course. I'd say not as much as men though, but a lot.

Pretty much everyone I've ever known including family have gone through infidelity. Even people you think haven't, probably have. You just don't know about it. Some things are kept behind closed doors. Cheating affects pretty much all of us at some point in our lives, either directly or through someone else. If you remain unscathed I say congratulations and you are in the minority.

It seems to be a fact of life. Not one to expect though. The more you're aware of the signs and what you can do to keep a relationship healthy, the better chance you have of protecting it. Some people aren't made to cheat they just wouldn't do it. And some start out that way and don't even know how they got there.


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## Stonewall

No they don't. Been married 35 years and with her 2 before marriage. the idea of cheating never crossed my mind except when I was constantly accused of it. I figured If I am to be tried and convicted of something I never did then I might as well get the benefits of it. That thought only lasted a few minutes as it is just not my nature. I couldn't do it.


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## Halien

Just look at some of the replies here, and I think you can notice some really good traits to look for when you heal and begin to meet other men. These men talk about believing that marriage is something special, where they have an endgame in mind. We think about marriage from the perspective of wanting something bigger than just to get by. If a guy doesn't occasionally let it slip that he can firmly picture where he wants to be in fifteen or twenty years, and how this includes a woman that he is growing with, then you should look deeper. We don't exactly have a culture where fathers naturally teach their sons what it means to be a married, purpose-driven man, but you can find this in some men.

Another thing to look for as a dating relationship matures, in my opinion, is a guy who is mature enough to automatically recognize that a relationship is much more than just the things you are doing for him. He'll talk indirectly about responsibility, and the things a guy should do to keep the relationship vital. These come off as deeply ingrained. I'm convinced that the guys in this thread who talk about long term marriages with no cheating are deliberate men, who are so focused on their responsibility to their wife that the thought of cheating seems alien to them.


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## MrMan

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I thought I had one that wouldn't. But guess what?
> 
> Anyhow, I am 44 and just divorced. I am still pretty shattered. But I'm wondering if it is even worth it to consider looking again.
> 
> Tell me how to know I can trust him. Cuz I suck at that, apparently.


Not all men cheat but it's not as easy as that. In my life experiences, with the people i've met and the conversations i've had i'd say a low percentage of men actually pursue other women. A high percentage of men would struggle to say no if it was handed to them on a plate. A very low percentage of men would not pursue and refuse all offers. I'm not a pursuer, i love my wife more than anything. However if the right type of girl advanced on me in the right time of situation i'd like to think i'd refuse but i'll be honest and say i just don't know...

Is it fair to say that my loose stats would be the same for women though?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy

Halien said:


> Just look at some of the replies here, and I think you can notice some really good traits to look for when you heal and begin to meet other men. These men talk about believing that marriage is something special, where they have an endgame in mind. We think about marriage from the perspective of wanting something bigger than just to get by. If a guy doesn't occasionally let it slip that he can firmly picture where he wants to be in fifteen or twenty years, and how this includes a woman that he is growing with, then you should look deeper. We don't exactly have a culture where fathers naturally teach their sons what it means to be a married, purpose-driven man, but you can find this in some men.
> 
> Another thing to look for as a dating relationship matures, in my opinion, is a guy who is mature enough to automatically recognize that a relationship is much more than just the things you are doing for him. He'll talk indirectly about responsibility, and the things a guy should do to keep the relationship vital. These come off as deeply ingrained. I'm convinced that the guys in this thread who talk about long term marriages with no cheating are deliberate men, who are so focused on their responsibility to their wife that the thought of cheating seems alien to them.


You made me think of something here, so as a balance: In one class in HS, when asked "Who is someone who knows for sure where they will be in 5 years?" almost everyone answered with my name. I did have a plan at that time.

5 years later, I was 6000 miles from where I KNEW I would be at the time that question was answered in HS, and had not done any of the things I knew I was going to do. 

I always had some sort of 5 year plan, but I always missed almost as badly as that first one. I eventually stopped making those plans. However; I always wanted to be married and to have a family. Although my courtship was anything but typical, I did make the committment when I made the decision to get married. I haven't wavered in that.

Although I'll agree with what I highlighted in this color, I'm not so sure the sentence you put just before it is a good sign of it. I don't know if I fit the sentence before it just because of how different my perspective was on what love was to begin with. I was focused on her, and not on keeping the relationship vital. I have a humorous story about cheating seeming alien, but I'll save that. To me, yes, it seems alien. I am committed to my wife, and I don't think about being with another woman. The humorous story was about how far that went and what made me realize it when with one particular coworker.


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## Runs like Dog

All YOUR men cheat.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

No, not all. 

My first husband did, but I saw the signs and clearly ignored them. My husband now, I trust 100%. Just as he trusts me 100% not to cheat on him.


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## Jeff74

As I said before not all people cheat. Only those who make the decision to cheat will cheat. Everyone has the choice and everyone has the responsibility of living with their decisions. Hope you find someone that makes the decisions you feel are right in a relationship!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

And in response to someone else's comment, I am in a happy marriage and it would not matter who came up to me and for whatever reason, I would not cheat.


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## mdill

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I thought I had one that wouldn't. But guess what?
> 
> Anyhow, I am 44 and just divorced. I am still pretty shattered. But I'm wondering if it is even worth it to consider looking again.
> 
> Tell me how to know I can trust him. Cuz I suck at that, apparently.


Sorry Uhaul. I was 43 when I learned my wife of 12 years cheated and wanted to divorce. I was shattered as I trusted her with my life. But I was most concerned our two kids. The good news is I moved on and the kids grew into happy responsible yound adults. Life is what we make it. BTW, things have not worked out well for my ex, but thats a long story.

No, I know all Men don't cheat. I actually know more women who have cheated than men, but draw no conclusions.

The only lasting scare from my experience with my ex is that I will never again totally trust anyone. It is sad, but true. It doesn't mean that you can't enjoy a wonderful 2nd marriage. Just have to protect yourself. I love my 2nd wife of 13 years with all my heart. But I don't expect perfection.

As for me, I have never cheated through 2 marriages of a combined 26 years. Would never consider it because it would break my vow and my word is my is the most valuable thing I have to offer. It is simply not worth what it would do to my self respect, but thats just me.

Fortunately, I can barely keep up with my sexy wife (nearly every day).


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## uhaul4mybaggage

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, not all.
> 
> My first husband did, but I saw the signs and clearly ignored them. My husband now, I trust 100%. Just as he trusts me 100% not to cheat on him.


I trusted mine 100%, too. That is why it came as such a shock to me when I found out. I did not see any signs. I was never looking for them. I have read books that say that you shouldn't trust 100% because you are leaving your relationship vulnerable that way (you are both only human is the line of thought.) 

I like your way better, but I just don't know if I believe in it anymore. 

Somebody made the comment about not worrying about looking for the next guy. I'm not. I haven't been living with my ex for 3 years. I am in no hurry. Just mulling it over. 

Yes, I have LOTS of anger and resentment. I know I need to work on it, and I am. But it does backslide quite a bit. I have goals that I am working on, but my life is a disaster zone in many ways, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. 

Anyway, much food for thought here. Thank you all for your input.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

mdill said:


> Sorry Uhaul. I was 43 when I learned my wife of 12 years cheated and wanted to divorce. I was shattered as I trusted her with my life. But I was most concerned our two kids. The good news is I moved on and the kids grew into happy responsible yound adults. Life is what we make it. BTW, things have not worked out well for my ex, but thats a long story.
> 
> No, I know all Men don't cheat. I actually know more women who have cheated than men, but draw no conclusions.
> 
> The only lasting scare from my experience with my ex is that I will never again totally trust anyone. It is sad, but true. It doesn't mean that you can't enjoy a wonderful 2nd marriage. Just have to protect yourself. I love my 2nd wife of 13 years with all my heart. But I don't expect perfection.
> 
> As for me, I have never cheated through 2 marriages of a combined 26 years. Would never consider it because it would break my vow and my word is my is the most valuable thing I have to offer. It is simply not worth what it would do to my self respect, but thats just me.
> 
> Fortunately, I can barely keep up with my sexy wife (nearly every day).


She is lucky to have you. I don't date at this point, because I know I'm not ready. But I don't want to just resign myself to being alone all my life. I get lonely, and miss being emotionally and physically connected with someone, but I know I have to look at myself in the mirror in the morning. I feel better knowing that there are still people who keep their word. It gives me hope. Thanks.


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## ocotillo

Goldmember357 said:


> Agggh do you really want me to explain it all in great detail? do you really want to see countless stats and research findings?



Inconsistencies in how relationships (e.g. Monogamous by agreement, Marital, etc.) and infidelity (e.g. Long term affairs vs. one time indiscretions) are defined make exact figures difficult. Percentages of infidelity in men vs. women have in the past been set at 20 to 25% and 10 to 15% respectively. (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael and Michaels 1994; Wiedermann 1997)

More recent studies have narrowed that gap (Barta and Kiene 2005; Burdette, Ellilson, Sherkate and Gore 2007) and when transgressions other than actual intercourse are taken into account (e.g. Kissing, Emotional affairs) men and women are pretty much dead even. (Allen et al. 2007; Treas & Giesen 2000)


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## foreversomeoneelse

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I thought I had one that wouldn't. But guess what?
> 
> Anyhow, I am 44 and just divorced. I am still pretty shattered. But I'm wondering if it is even worth it to consider looking again.
> 
> Tell me how to know I can trust him. Cuz I suck at that, apparently.



Yup, the majority do.
Even members who are self-proclaimed good husbands admit they have a hard time staying monogamous. 
Here's a thread I found today where it is admitted:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18154-what-causes-man-cheat.html


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## SA's husband

No not all men cheat, some are very devoted. I love my wife so much I wouldn't be able to sleep if I cheated on her, even face her. She is my soul mate, the love of my life and the one I want to grow old with and sit in the rocking chair on the porch with. 

Even when things were dry, she was still my everything.


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## Coffee Amore

SA's husband said:


> No not all men cheat, some are very devoted. I love my wife so much I wouldn't be able to sleep if I cheated on her, even face her. She is my soul mate, the love of my life and the one I want to grow old with and sit in the rocking chair on the porch with.
> 
> Even when things were dry, she was still my everything.


That's very sweet. We need more men with your values and commitment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall

SA's husband said:


> No not all men cheat, some are very devoted. I love my wife so much I wouldn't be able to sleep if I cheated on her, even face her. She is my soul mate, the love of my life and the one I want to grow old with and sit in the rocking chair on the porch with.
> 
> Even when things were dry, she was still my everything.


Been there done that bought the t shirt. But its all good now.


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## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Been there done that bought the t shirt. But its all good now.


What Stonewall...bought the T-shirt ....What does that mean... a desert T-shirt ? 

One time I asked him if he ever felt the grass was greener... he said about our past... even when it was dry, he was still happy... he added.... "we had the kids". NOW, he says it is overloaded with fertilizer... ha ha


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## Gratitude

Men, one woman is hard enough to figure out and deal with ... WHY would you want to go out and get another one?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Gratitude said:


> Men, one woman is hard enough to figure out and deal with ... WHY would you want to go out and get another one?


you aint kiddin'!!


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## Tall Average Guy

unbelievable said:


> Also, if you've bitten into several chocolates in the box and they all contain nuts, it's a safe bet the next one will be a little nutty, too.


Consider that it is because you are selecting from the wrong box of chocolates.

That is, perhaps you are selecting (or settling) for the type of guys that less likely to be faithful. One thing you should explore in your therapy/counseling is ways in which you might be doing that and why.


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## FirstYearDown

My husband tells me all the time that he has no energy to cheat.

Apparently I wear him out in bed. :smthumbup:


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## Jeff/BC

foreversomeoneelse said:


> Even members who are self-proclaimed good husbands admit they have a hard time staying monogamous.


Insofar as whether or not I am a good husband, as you say, me proclaiming that isn't worth the electrons used to post it here. That'll be Carol's job to determine. 

But I can tell you that I do not have a hard time staying monogamous. I don't desire other women when I am in a relationship. I'm just wired that way. It's not particularly virtuous or strong of me. If I was in a marriage which was not satisfying me, I would leave it and find a new one. But what I would not do is have an affair. I can't even imagine wanting to.


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## Browncoat

Dina said:


> I guess men want fidelity but struggle giving it.


Good men do yes. Good women do as well. The bad boy and party girl types... not always so much.


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## Jeff/BC

SimplyAmorous said:


> One time I asked him if he ever felt the grass was greener... he said about our past... even when it was dry, he was still happy... he added.... "we had the kids". NOW, he says it is overloaded with fertilizer... ha ha


LOL, we've had our ups and downs too and it went pretty much the same way. I get tripped up on step 1 also...

Steps to cheating
#1) Find some greener grass.


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## Conrad

Jeff,

Sincerely - welcome back.


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## Browncoat

Dina said:


> So why be in a relationship then? If you can't give what you promise to give?
> 
> And no, I do not struggle with it personally. Monogamy is probably the easiest thing in the world for me.


Sorry wasn't a clear response. Meant that good folks will have to resist temptation, bad boy/girls may just seek it.

There are those in between I suppose... just wasn't trying to be that refined with my response, sorry.


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## Jeff/BC

Browncoat said:


> Meant that good folks will have to resist temptation, bad boy/girls may just seek it.


... and some of us just plain are not tempted -- no temptation resistance required. Yes, I understand that this flies in the face of internet wisdom. But it's true for me all the same. It's also true of at least a few other men I know.

I'm always fascinated to find out that people simply cannot accept that some men really are wired for relationship rather than sex.


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## SimplyAmorous

Jeff/BC said:


> I'm always fascinated to find out that people simply cannot accept that some men really are wired for relationship rather than sex.


If a woman feels this way -she likely only goes after the Bad Boys who often wreck women's souls. They are more attractive after all since they have women lusting after them left & right. 

My husband is so far from that type, he was the Gentleman who would choose his hand over random sex... he needs the emotional connection with a woman, he wants the whole package or he would remain single ...and if he never found what he was looking for...his words to me once..."I might still be living at home with MOM". 

That sounds kinda pathetic I suppose (I shouldn't embarrass him here)....but the point was...he was not going to "settle", it is so much more than .....just about sex.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I trusted mine 100%, too. That is why it came as such a shock to me when I found out. I did not see any signs. I was never looking for them. I have read books that say that you shouldn't trust 100% because you are leaving your relationship vulnerable that way (you are both only human is the line of thought.)
> 
> I like your way better, but I just don't know if I believe in it anymore.
> 
> Somebody made the comment about not worrying about looking for the next guy. I'm not. I haven't been living with my ex for 3 years. I am in no hurry. Just mulling it over.
> 
> Yes, I have LOTS of anger and resentment. I know I need to work on it, and I am. But it does backslide quite a bit. I have goals that I am working on, but my life is a disaster zone in many ways, and it's going to get worse before it gets better.
> 
> Anyway, much food for thought here. Thank you all for your input.


I did not want to date when I met my husband. I was going to college, getting my degree to make it on my own while back at my parents house getting back on my feet as a single parent.

My supervisor set me up with her BIL. It was instant attraction. I wasn't expecting to meet such a great man. He's still as credible as the day we met. He's genuine, kind, loving and a true family man. My husband has zero expectations of me. He's extremely patient as well.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. He's home every night after work with us. He stuck by me even though I broke my neck and am disabled in pain for the last 4 years. I'm basically homebound, but my husband researched long and hard about severe neck injuries and chronic pain. My husband and I are each others best friend. We both rely on each other for everything. Also, we both have each others password for everything. We keep our password sheet updated and near the computer. Even our kids can get into our passwords.

Don't give up hope. There are truly nice guys out there. I let go of the anger of what my ex put me through right away and focused on bettering myself.


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## Browncoat

Jeff/BC said:


> I'm always fascinated to find out that people simply cannot accept that some men really are wired for relationship rather than sex.


Oh I am with you there 100%. I've never been interested in sleeping with any woman aside from the two I've been in close relationships with. A relationship is a personal requirement for sex.


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## Tall Average Guy

Jeff/BC said:


> ... and some of us just plain are not tempted -- no temptation resistance required. Yes, I understand that this flies in the face of internet wisdom. But it's true for me all the same. It's also true of at least a few other men I know.
> 
> I'm always fascinated to find out that people simply cannot accept that some men really are wired for relationship rather than sex.


While I don't doubt you, I don't think anyone should rely on that alone. I love my wife and am devoted to her, but I also work to avoid putting myself in situations where I might be tempted. It is just not worth it.


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## Jeff/BC

Browncoat said:


> Oh I am with you there 100%. I've never been interested in sleeping with any woman aside from the two I've been in close relationships with. A relationship is a personal requirement for sex.


Well, you, I, and SA's husband apparently don't exist. Man, I'm certain there's a deep bit of philosophy in that statement somewhere.

Heck, I quit ballroom dance class because the instructors insisted on making me dance with other women. Bluntly, physical touch is very intimate to me. I found that too much to deal with so I dropped the class. The idea that I might actually have _sex_ with a stranger is just plain _"ewwwwwww"_


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## daisygirl 41

For 17 years my H didn't cheat. That why it hit me like a ton of bricks when he did. EVERYBODY was absolute flabbergasted.
Out of my 5 best friends. All our Hs have now cheated.
So maybe not all men cheat but they are all capable of it.
Nobody is immune. I really believe that. But I also think the same of women too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I don't doubt you, I don't think anyone should rely on that alone. I love my wife and am devoted to her, but I also work to avoid putting myself in situations where I might be tempted. It is just not worth it.


I'm surprised that you'd have so little faith in that. As an analogy, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. I have never, not once, been turned on by a guy's body. I'm not homophobic. I'm just straight. I'm not guessing there. It isn't some "lifestyle choice" of mine to be straight. I find zero risk in going into a gay bar because... you know... I'm not gay.

In the same way that I require a female, I require an actual, intimate, loving bond in order for sex thoughts to even start. I'm not guessing about that. It's about as likely to change as me suddenly figuring I'm gay or bi. Sure, it _could_ happen. But honestly, I've got much more likely problems to worry about.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

I have a theory about that. Are you a Cancer or Scorpio, Jeff?


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## Runs like Dog

turn that frown around! rejoice every time someone you love doesn't behave like a total hate filled sh^tbag.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Runs like Dog said:


> turn that frown around! rejoice every time someone you love doesn't behave like a total hate filled sh^tbag.


Huh??


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## Runs like Dog

Instead of looking for reasons to regret it every time someone disappoints you, stare in amazement each time they don't. 

As the great Greek philosopher Mediocrates said "Aim low, ya can't miss".


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## Browncoat

Jeff/BC said:


> ... and some of us just plain are not tempted -- no temptation resistance required. Yes, I understand that this flies in the face of internet wisdom. But it's true for me all the same. It's also true of at least a few other men I know.
> 
> I'm always fascinated to find out that people simply cannot accept that some men really are wired for relationship rather than sex.


I know what you are saying Jeff, and to an extent I agree. I too have never once been tempted to cheat on my wife in ~15 years.

Still I recognize that it's possible that unforeseen circumstances in the future could result in temptation. Even despite my best efforts to avoid temptation. Not saying that temptation = you/I instantly fail... just saying that it's within the realm of remote (yet plausible) possibility to be tempted.

I'm not going to try and fabricate a scenario, just saying within our hearts we all have the capability for failure.


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## t_hopper_2012

Runs like Dog said:


> Instead of looking for reasons to regret it every time someone disappoints you, stare in amazement each time they don't.
> 
> As the great Greek philosopher Mediocrates said "Aim low, ya can't miss".


Another way to state this is: If your looking for and focusing on the good in your relationships, you're more likely to be engaged (and therefore faithful) in the relationship. On the other hand, if you're focusing on the bad, it could lead to disengagement - which could lead to cheating.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Runs like Dog said:


> Instead of looking for reasons to regret it every time someone disappoints you, stare in amazement each time they don't.
> 
> As the great Greek philosopher Mediocrates said "Aim low, ya can't miss".


SNL skit: "Lowered Expectations"

:smthumbup:


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## Browneyedgurl020610

I just want to say that no I don't think all men cheat, just like not all women cheat. Some are good some are bad. Sometimes you just have to kiss a few frogs to find your perfect prince/princess. Chin up and good luck!


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## Jeff/BC

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I have a theory about that. Are you a Cancer or Scorpio, Jeff?


Sag... dec 6


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## Knoxvillekelly

i hope not


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## Tall Average Guy

Jeff/BC said:


> I'm surprised that you'd have so little faith in that. As an analogy, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. I have never, not once, been turned on by a guy's body. I'm not homophobic. I'm just straight. I'm not guessing there. It isn't some "lifestyle choice" of mine to be straight. I find zero risk in going into a gay bar because... you know... I'm not gay.
> 
> In the same way that I require a female, I require an actual, intimate, loving bond in order for sex thoughts to even start. I'm not guessing about that. It's about as likely to change as me suddenly figuring I'm gay or bi. Sure, it _could_ happen. But honestly, I've got much more likely problems to worry about.


Two reasons:

1. Without trying to be insulting, this lacks some humility to me. I am a human, with all the frailties and mistakes that come with it. I am not perfect. I make more mistakes that I would like. Yes, it seems unlikely that I would cheat, but why put myself in such a position where it could occur? Under this rational, there is no logical reason I could not go out drinking with a female business associate, then agree to share a hotel room because we were too drunk to drive. Since I *know* nothing is going to happen, this is okay, right? Why not avoid even the realistic situations that could lead to temptation when it is so easy to do. 

2. It due it to please my wife. She trusts me, because I don't abuse it. Part of not abusing it is not putting myself into situations where she has to question me. Yes, I won't cheat, but why give her any reason to question that. It is not about being right, it is about keeping my wife happy.


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## Jeff/BC

*Without trying to be insulting, this lacks some humility to me. *
yet it was insulting. I understand that you didn't mean to insult me by suggesting that I lack humility, self-awareness, or I'm a liar. But... you know... there it sits all the same. That is your opinion... based upon what??? exactly??? That I am not you? Conveniently, I don't generally carry much insult from random strangers so it's not like I've got a big bug up my butt over it.

In the end, _you cannot fill a cup that is already full_

There's no point in carrying this on further. I understand your viewpoint. I readily agree to it insofar as it relates to you. There is no need to convince me that you are right for you. But the odds that I'd allow someone who doesn't know me to define my own reality for me are zero. So it's just a "agree to disagree" situation.

The only reason I even made this post is that I think it might be helpful to some other readers. There is a choice to be made when venturing out into the world. We can seek to understand it or we can seek to control it and press our own image onto it. I would argue that for a site like this, "seeking understanding" is a much more valuable approach. That effort, for me at least, is a growth experience and it enriches my self, my marriage, and my life.

There, how was THAT for lacking in humility? *chuckles*


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## Tall Average Guy

Jeff/BC said:


> *Without trying to be insulting, this lacks some humility to me. *
> yet it was insulting. I understand that you didn't mean to insult me by suggesting that I lack humility, self-awareness, or I'm a liar. But... you know... there it sits all the same. That is your opinion... based upon what??? exactly??? That I am not you? Conveniently, I don't generally carry much insult from random strangers so it's not like I've got a big bug up my butt over it.
> 
> In the end, _you cannot fill a cup that is already full_
> 
> There's no point in carrying this on further. I understand your viewpoint. I readily agree to it insofar as it relates to you. There is no need to convince me that you are right for you. But the odds that I'd allow someone who doesn't know me to define my own reality for me are zero. So it's just a "agree to disagree" situation.
> 
> The only reason I even made this post is that I think it might be helpful to some other readers. There is a choice to be made when venturing out into the world. We can seek to understand it or we can seek to control it and press our own image onto it. I would argue that for a site like this, "seeking understanding" is a much more valuable approach. That effort, for me at least, is a growth experience and it enriches my self, my marriage, and my life.
> 
> There, how was THAT for lacking in humility? *chuckles*


And the reason I made my post was for those readers who actually are not resolute despite thinking that they are. Posters who are human, who fail, and should not place themselves in bad positions. For those posters to recognize and be aware of themselves, and not assume that they could never, ever do such as thing. For those posters who actually should have some humility and not think that they can walk on water in the summer.

I am happy that you and your wife have something that works for the two of you. I am happy that you have determined that there are absolutely no circumstances ever where you could cheat. I truly hope you are correct. 

But I don’t think that works for a lot of people out there, and I can’t in good faith give them advice to rely only on this self-identified characteristic to prevent cheating within their marriage.

I do agree that any further discussion is counter productive on this topic. I yield the last word to you if you desire.


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## AFEH

Jeff/BC said:


> *Without trying to be insulting, this lacks some humility to me. *
> yet it was insulting. I understand that you didn't mean to insult me by suggesting that I lack humility, self-awareness, or I'm a liar. But... you know... there it sits all the same. That is your opinion... based upon what??? exactly??? That I am not you? Conveniently, I don't generally carry much insult from random strangers so it's not like I've got a big bug up my butt over it.
> 
> In the end, _you cannot fill a cup that is already full_
> 
> There's no point in carrying this on further. I understand your viewpoint. I readily agree to it insofar as it relates to you. There is no need to convince me that you are right for you. *But the odds that I'd allow someone who doesn't know me to define my own reality for me are zero.* So it's just a "agree to disagree" situation.
> 
> The only reason I even made this post is that I think it might be helpful to some other readers. There is a choice to be made when venturing out into the world. We can seek to understand it or we can seek to control it and press our own image onto it. I would argue that for a site like this, "seeking understanding" is a much more valuable approach. That effort, for me at least, is a growth experience and it enriches my self, my marriage, and my life.
> 
> There, how was THAT for lacking in humility? *chuckles*


There are a few here who attempt to do that. They can take just one thing and spin a whole new reality for the poster out of it.

But in the main these things are projections. In that a person can be so very ego centric, so very self-centred that they think everyone else is just like them and so they project their world view onto others.

Or in the case of some of the women they’ll take their sometimes very bad experience of a particular man and in the very worse cases project that onto all men or they’ll selectively project onto a particular man.

Just the other day I was called a cad of all things “A man who does not behave in a gentlemanly manner towards others”, “An ill-bred man, especially one who behaves in a dishonourable or irresponsible way toward women”.

These things are a madness and come from seriously deluded people who are so lazy and ill mannered to not spend the time finding out the truth that they project onto others without taking any time or energy to discover what the actual truth is!

Just how caddish, just how ill-mannered and dishonourable towards men is that! So yes, there goes another deluded projection! Because she’s a cad, she thinks I’m a cad, projects that onto me and calls me one!


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