# Wife having EA -- do I reveal?



## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

Sorry here for what will be a long post with a familiar theme. My wife and I have been married for 20 years in April. Three years ago I took a job with less career potential and money so I could return to school and complete my degree. With just a couple of semesters to go, my wife decided -- with my full support -- to pursue an MBA at a local college. So, we were both working, raising our 2 kids, and attending school. 

I won't pretend things were perfect, but we were mostly happy and had a pretty good sex life and a generally affectionate relationship, although we were clearly strained by the exhaustion of our busy lives. We never fought about anything.
I should point out here that my wife is the more successful of us from a career perspective, and has also always been the person in our relationship who handles a lot of the money decisions and running the kids' lives (doctor/dentist appointments, etc.). Because my last job had me traveling a lot, more of this load shifted to her, and when I changed jobs and was gone 3 nights a week finishing my school, this burden got worse. Factor in that my young daughter has mild autism and that finding her care was largely done by her, you can see that she had to shoulder a big load. I let her do this, much to my shame.

Anyway, as part of her MBA program, her class had to travel to a foreign country for 10 days. During this time, she suddenly started calling me less and her conversations were somewhat distant. I could feel something was wrong, but convinced myself it was just my imagination. She came home, and despite having a slightly strained few days, I convinced myself it was all in my head, and started to relax.

Until the Friday of the week after her return. We have always had a friend finder app on out iPhones, and I liked to use this to make sure she was either in her office or at lunch when I called, so I did not interrupt a meeting or anything. Anyway, I looked and saw her at a familiar restaurant and got ready to call her, but my work phone rang and I had to wait. I called her about a half hour later when the app showed her at a nearby shop. When I asked her what she was doing ( completely unsuspicious) she told me she was somewhere different shopping for a baby gift. I was curious, but not suspicious. That night, I asked her again, and she told me the same story. Finally, I told her I knew she was lying, and she exploded at me. She became very emotional and told me she was at lunch with a friend and did not want to have this conversation. I pushed it, and she told me she was not in love with me any more, felt no passion, and her friend (a classmate) was just there to talk to her. She said this feeling went back years. She proceeded to take our daughter (we also have a teenage son) to her parents' house a couple of hours away for the night.

We rose early the next morning and were texting each other, and she agreed to come home later that day, she did, and things appeared calm until the next day, when she went out for a couple of hours for a massage, and I looked at our cell bill. She had been on the phone with him while texting me the whole time. I looked at her computer and saw some e-mails between them that, while not sexual in nature, were certainly romantic. This was June 27, and I confronted her about it when she got home without mentioning the emails. She confessed that they had formed an emotional connection while on the trip but denied ( and still denies) any sexual contact.

Six weeks later we are both in IC and just had out first session of MC. The problem is, she still is not showing any real remorse or urge to end her EA with the OM. He is married with three small kids and is a rather successful investment banker. She has told me twice before she was breaking it off with him, only for me to look at her text messages and see she is still in contact with him. They started using Google Voice to text to hide the texting, but I figured this out pretty quickly. Once we started MC, she promised again to end it with him, but I cannot verify anymore because she caught me looking at her phone and changed the password and is clearing her history.

Her IC is telling her that she needs to find her own happiness. The MC, whom she likes somewhat less, naturally, is telling her to break it off with the OM so we can work on out marriage. She has assured me that she is not in contact with him, but he is in her MBA program, which has another 9 months to go, so she will at least be in the same room with him for 9 hours a day, 2 days a month for the next 9 months until it's over, and since he is now in her individual 4-person team, they will be meeting as a team at least once or twice a month. Because her company has invested a mid 5-figure sum in this program for her, she cannot quit.

We fight constantly about this. I am hurt and angry and keep demanding that she break it off completely with him. She complains that it hurts her terribly to be away from him and misses him, but that she's trying. She is certainly full of guilt and self-hatred over this, but she confessed to me even today that she is not sure she wants to end it with him. I have made it clear that she has to, or else one of us is gone.

Tomorrow is her first weekend of class (Friday and Saturday) of class since the trip. I have asked her to call me on breaks and before and after class, not to sit near him, and to only communicate with him about school...and put the app back on her phone so I can track her just for the weekend. She has agreed, although after our daily fight this evening, she is wavering on the app. I have asked her for full transparency, but she is refusing, only telling me to save it for the MC next Wednesday.

I am torn about exposing it. I think that if I call his wife (I found their number online) she may force the issue from his end, but I suspect their marriage is not very strong itself, based upon a little of what my wife has said and the fact that he has an arrest for domestic battery in March of this year (easily located on Google, as it's public record in this state).

I recognize that our marriage may not survive even if the EA ends, but we're doomed without it. Because of our financial situation (lots of debt and an underwater mortgage) diverse will be really difficult. Neither of us wants to put our kids through that, although she seems to think they will be better off than with parents who fight.
Any guidance that an be offered is appreciated, as I type this message from my daughter's room (I moved in here last week, and my daughter sleeps with my wife).


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow. Your wife has fallen in love with someone who has a domestic battery charge? Yuck, yuck, and yuck. 

You are right to be concerned about the MBA program. 9 months of them together in the same room? That is a fail. I have yet to see a successful reconciliation with such extensive proximate contact between APs on these boards.

I'd see if I could find a way to tell her individual counselor that this man has three young children and a domestic battery charge--not exactly the path to finding happiness. But really that counselor has to go--who's paying for it? Not her, if she's in an MBA program.

Speaking of money, who's funding that MBA program? You?

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it will give you more insight and support with all this. Ask your counselor if they're familiar with Shirley Glass's work. although it's good that the counselor says she has to end it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Do not expect her to listen to any counselor. She will take whatever supports her convenience. She needs to have NO CONTACT (NC) with OM. She's high on affair novelty here, and you need to push this NC, be very serious, do what you say, say what you do. Your wife will slowly drift away if she remains in this affair, and you will drive the relationship underground if you keep being so lenient to these incidents. I remember a story just like this one of a WS who was studying for the cpa alone with another man, can you guess what happened? They studied anatomy.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you told her parents?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Well, expose to the OM's wife. Without delay. What she chooses to do with her husband is her choice, so don't feel bad if they decide to divorce. That's OM's fault, for being a cheating scumbag.

Expose your wife's infidelity to her family (mom, dad, siblings). Tell them you want to work things out with her, but that you'll need their support to stomp the affair out of existence.

I'd expose your wife to HR as well. Her company may not be too happy to learn that they've been financing her affair. I don't know how your financial situation is at the moment, but you need to weigh what is more important - your wife's job, or your marriage. Expose to HR (or not) depending on which you think is more important.

Lastly, I think you will need to file for divorce. You will obviously need to downsize, and it will undoubtedly affect your living conditions (and hers). She should have thought of that when she cheated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The only way out here is to expose to the OMW and to talk to the school about her changing groups. Otherwise I guarantee your marriage will end.

It's very like its already gone PA btw, there is no way the OM woud be putting this much time into her if he wasn't getting some. No way at all.

Stop paying for MC until she goes NC with him. It's an expensive waste of money.


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

I should add that they have seen each other since D-day, several times. I know they have been to lunch a number of times and she saw him after work one evening at her office when she was supposed to be giving a presentation at a meeting that cancelled and she did not tell me. Unless they have been really creative, I do not think they have been alone in a place where sex is possible since returning from the trip, but I do not kid myself about how creative 2 horny people can get.
I have not told her parents, they will be very upset to learn about it (their older daughter's first marriage ended much the same way around the time my wife and I got married). I have a very solid relationship with them and I think they would react by pushing her to break it off with him.
Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, but I might tell her boss about it.
I should also add that she has cut me off completely from all affection and contact. She claims she simply wants no sex or affection at all, but I imagine that I have somehow become the other man now and she does not want to cheat on him.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Agree with those saying tell OMW. Maybe she'll be mad enough to call the cops and say he's been beating her again, he'll be locked up and problem solved.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

look, we see this *****footing all the time and it NEVER end well. 
Start the exposure ball rolling or just go file. It takes no time to get a lil leg in a parking lot. AND save the my wife wouldn't. She just cut you off and you acting like a you are scared to make her mad.
Well, until you make her face the consequences of her actions, you are fighting a losing battle.
Also, I see her money mean more to you than your marriage. Otherwise you would have talk to her boss by now.
In that vain, you sound just like some of the cheaters on doc cool, justifing why they cheat instead of D'ing.
His wife, her family, your family, her boss, HR all should be told.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh, forget the parking lot, they was doing it in her office. Just to bring a lil reality to your rugsweeping.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Badams,

You need to get tough. You cannot nice her out of her A.

Tell her parents.

Tell her boss.

Tell her IC and MC. Explain that her keeping the A going is a deal breaker.

Your wife needs to feel consequences. So far she has felt none.

You might even tell her close friends what she is up to.

Tell the OM's wife ASAP. You will need to put pressure on him.

I would also get an attorney to make a formal complaint/letter to him. Tell him to stop harassing your wife. Especially he has a arrest record. 

Hell, I would go to his employer and everyone on his FB wall and shout out the Affair to the world. Keep up the pressure.


It will piss off your wife but who cares, right now she is not your wife but the OM's girlfriend.

What you need to realize is that you have nothing to lose. You have already lost your wife.

But just maybe you can shake her world up and get her to see clearly.

While all this is going on work on you, man up on the areas in your life that needed the improvement. Love your kids like there is no tomorrow and support your family.

Get tough and get going.

HM64


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you want? You think your wife is gonna wake up one day and snap out of it. Hell no. She has the other man to sex her up and you to handle the kids and home, she can have her cake and eat it too. 

Why she should stop the gravy train since you're too passive to stop the affair?

Unless you man up and give her consequences being have her move out alone and served with divorce papers, shes not gonna take you seriously. 

You don't kill an affair with kindness, you kill it with the reality of it.


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## FiguringThingsOut (Aug 10, 2012)

This is a bit different perspective, but why not just divorce her and move on, focusing on your kids and building a new life. Even if the shame she feels after disclosing the EA to the world causes her to end it, do you really want her back? And if you create the toxic atmosphere disclosing the EA will cause and she doesn't come back, it's going to create problems between you forever, and like it or not, you will never be free of her because you have children with her. She's showing no regret or remorse. Just file for divorce and if those consequences don't make her want to get her act together on your terms and with full transparancy, then finalize the divorce and be done with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Badams, paragraphs are your friends. Your wall of texts are hard to read.


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

Ok, Lord Mayhem. I will be more careful to space between those paragraphs. sorry!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay at this point you should be telling his wife, your parents, her parents, your friends and her friends. Call anyone you know at her work and tell them what is going on and if they could keep and eye out on her for you. The next time she is someplace she is not supposed to be. You know about it show up. I am certain this A is a PA given the amount of time and the sheer amount of effort she is putting in to hide it. If it hasn't gone PA yet they are obviously trying to figure a way to do it. 
My friend you are at a crossroads. You should lawyer up and tell her that if she can't deal with not contacting the OM then it is over. By not drawing a line in the sand and escalating to match her you are giving her the green light to continue the A. 
So have her served (even if you don't plan on it) and then work on your self I suggest NMMNG and if you haven't already start doing the 180 now.
You need to prepare to fight for your happiness. Remember all is fair in love and ware. Well my friend you are but to your eye balls in both. Stop being the nice husband and start being the guy that isn't going to take this crap for her anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, they've been meeting up since the trip!

Yes, it's gone physical. Look people in affairs find many places fir quickies. They don't need a nice bed and romance, they just need a stairwell, bathroom, closed office door, car, booth, etc.

I now believe it went PA on the trip. Them arranging to meet up as you say since the trip is them gving in to the rush and going for it again.

You need to see what you are really dealing with and face it. She is in an EA/PA and if you respond softly your marriage is over.

Exposure is your most effective tool right now- especially to his wife and your wife's parents.

Full and Permanent NC is the only option. 

She may have to take a break from the program...yes this is that serious.

It is literally your marriage on the line.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, affairs never use condoms, so at at least one BS has used a senen detection kit on their wifes panties to get hard evidence of the PA.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Badams said:


> *she saw him after work one evening at her office when she was supposed to be giving a presentation at a meeting that cancelled and she did not tell me*.


Here's at least one time that you know of that they could easily have had sex. Please stop fooling yourself. She would never be this openly cruel to you for some friendly chatting. And he would not waste his time, either, for anything less.

********



> I have not told her parents, they will be very upset to learn about it (their older daughter's first marriage ended much the same way around the time my wife and I got married). I have a very solid relationship with them and *I think they would react by pushing her to break it off with him*.


Then what are you waiting for?



> Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, *but I might tell her boss about it.*


Then what are you waiting for?




> I should also add that she has cut me off completely from all affection and contact. She claims she simply wants no sex or affection at all, *but I imagine that I have somehow become the other man now and she does not want to cheat on him*.


Dead right--this is something that you see all the time--the cheater's "loyalty" to the AP and the marginalization of the loyal spouse. She is building you up more and more as the villain in her mind, re-writing marital history--yes, you could have done things differently, but she is talking smack about you with this man. All of this allows her to mentally justify what she is doing.

I will be perfectly honest with you--she is infatuated with this man. She thinks she's "in love" with him. She is planning a future with him. She still needs you as a babysitter, housekeeper, and for finances for anything she can't otherwise afford. You hold down the fort while she plans for after the MBA. She is disrespecting you _just enough_ so that she puts you in your place, but at the same time, so you won't stop enabling her fun.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

> Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, *but I might tell her boss about it.*


With BOTH her parents AND her boss--don't forget about the domestic battery charge and the 3 little kids. This guy is a pr*ck and you need to start laying the foundation now for keeping him far away from your children, especially your autistic daughter. (If I didn't know better, I'd guess he was the twin brother to wrsteele1's OM.)


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Like everyone has said you need to blow this up ASAP because its heading to a PA if it hadn’t got there already. This is just going to continue to progress as she resists you more and more (like a rebellious teenager) .

The thing is she has to want to end the A for it to actually end, telling her to end it and forcing NC really isn’t going to work, she’s just going to get more sneaky. If she doesn’t want it to end then it isn’t going to end regardless of what you tell her and no amount of IC/MC is going to change her mind. 

Shock and awe works better than anything. 

Expose to the OMW immediately! 90% of the time the OM will throw the WS under the bus and start working on his own M, even if the OMW tries to kick him to the curb. This should throw a monkey wrench into the A. If the unlikely event (very rare) the OM leaves and your W runs off to him then she is a POS that you need to D ASAP. 

You should NOT put up with this behavior and let her know you are this close to throwing her out and hard pressed to find reasons to stay married to her. Turn the tables to your favor and take control. It’s up to YOU if you stay married, not her. Do not let her control the situation, she’s having an A and she should be lucky you even speak to her. That type of attitude will be your saving grace.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Badams, you are your own worst enemy.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

So revealing to those who are not just voyeuristic, but really there to support and help is all good, however I think she is already gone (by your description).

One thing you probably should do (although I realize you are strapped for cash) is to contact a lawyer. The bigger issue: say nine months from now she leaves you and OM leaves his wife and they live together. Do you want your children living in that household given the OM history of domestic violence? 

Your WW needs to be jolted into your ability to take action on behalf of your children. You may not have played the role of dad in the past (by your own admission), now is the time to step up to the plate and be dad and protector or the innocent. Don't just let things happen... it seems that you let that happen already. Do something on behalf of the children.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

drerio said:


> The bigger issue: say nine months from now she leaves you and OM leaves his wife and they live together. Do you want your children living in that household given the OM history of domestic violence?


This is like a slow-moving train wreck, so horrible. The autistic daughter is going to live with the wife--she is going to get primary custody and will live with her the vast majority of the time, I'm sure. And this guy loses patience with people, presumably his wife and/or children, who don't have communication issues. Breaks your heart.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Badams said:


> Ok, Lord Mayhem. I will be more careful to space between those paragraphs. sorry!


It's not too late to edit and add some spaces between paragraphs for those that read it later on.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> This is like a slow-moving train wreck, so horrible. The autistic daughter is going to live with the wife--she is going to get primary custody and will live with her the vast majority of the time, I'm sure. And this guy loses patience with people, presumably his wife and/or children, who don't have communication issues. Breaks your heart.


I couldn't agree more. The OM has no idea... I have an autistic son and let me tell you, you learn to have good sense of humor and a great deal of patience or you act out in the worst way. The OM's history does not speak well for what could happen. 

I really hope that the OP acts NOW to ensure the security of the children.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

drerio said:


> I couldn't agree more. The OM has no idea... I have an autistic son and let me tell you, you learn to have good sense of humor and a great deal of patience or you act out in the worst way. The OM's history does not speak well for what could happen.
> 
> I really hope that the OP acts NOW to ensure the security of the children.


I've been reading Steven Pinker's How the Mind Works, and the stuff he discusses about natural instincts with respect to stepchildren will make you nauseous. I realize there are many loving stepparents in this world--I am not knocking them, they have a challenging and thankless existence. But if someone has abuse issues with their biological kin / spouse, that is someone who'd better stay far away from my family, if they know what's good for them.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Badams, what do you think is going to happen nine months from now when she has her newly minted MBA?

That's right, she's going to leave you faster than butter melting in the hot Texas sun.

You need to go global thermo-nuclear on both their azzes. Expose far and wide to anyone that can influence this ungodly alliance (and I'm an agnostic.) Do you really want this loser around your kids?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he has an arrest for domestic battery in March of this year


Lovely... A cheating wife beater. If you do go for a D your wife is in for a painful awakening. Personally i can't really say that i pity her that much.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't believe he is listening......................therefore little chance for this pair.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I don't believe he is listening......................therefore little chance for this pair.


You may be right, but in this case I hope you are wrong, for the sake of the children, especially the autistic daughter (that is especially a touchy area for me). 

If she does end up D the OP and living with the OM along with the children. And, if the OM dares hurt those kids especially the daughter, I would hope he spends a good long time in the general prison population in the worst prison system in their state.

I want to scream...


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

I agree with most of you that I should go ahead and expose at least to the wife of the OM. Even with him out of the picture, I do not know if the marriage will survive. She has told me several times that she has been unhappy for years, but held it in and did not communicate that with me.

I still think she is letting the EA color her view of history, only seeing the bad times and bad feelings while blocking out the good ones as rationalization for her behavior now. But then again, I may be overly optimistic.

She works for a very large corporation (the second largest employer in our state) and I do not think HR will give a damn about her EA, and wrecking her career will not do anything for us long-term.

There is no way in hell she will ever place my children in the same house as the OM. Not going to happen. I have a good friend who is an attorney and she has been giving me some legal advice -- she agrees that we may be able to prevent this, and also does not want me moving out, as attractive as this option seems right now. If my wife wants our marriage over, she can leave me and the kids. While this makes it easier for her to engage in whatever behavior she wants, it will make it much harder for her to be with the kids.

Our next meeting with the MC is Wednesday (our second). After that, I will make the decision about calling the OMW and about separation, although I am really thinking about calling her today while they are in class.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You should do it today. She will call him and give him hell. You can bet he won't be thinking of getting a lil on break. He will be calling wifey trying to explain.
Tell her they slept together at the training and have continued to do so. Say your wife confessed and is now talking D.
My man, this stuff is not for the faint of heart.

Also, if you spill the beans today, your wife is going to come home steaming.
So you may need a VAR just in case. Tell her your next calls is to family, friends, and her job.
I KNOW I KNOW, her money is ALL THAT to you, but you don't really have to call them. UNLESS she calls your bluff


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are wasting money on MC while your wife is in an affair. MC is about teaching a couple to connect and communicate and requires work and commitment by both parties to do it.

MC is not about stopping and affair. 

Right now your wife won't be putting the effort into MC because rebounding with you will interfere with her affair.

You are right getting the OM gone won't guarantee your marriage survives, but him staying guarantees it won't.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As a rule, dads get the short end of the stick when it comes to child custody. No matter the mam is commiting adultery and evidence she is a raving lunatic. If you are dependeing on a judge being fair you are most likely be disapointed. Badly.

Go to dadsdivorce.com


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bad

Call the OMW today! Do it while they are in class.

Call her parents today.

Call her boss on Monday after you speak to your wife.

Do not accept her BS and do not fear D.

Only fear your kids being around your cheating wife and a posom that has a history of domestic violence.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Badams either blow the thing up immediately or file for divorce. You're getting good advice here so take it and stop trying to rationalize her behavior. Going nuclear regarding their affair is the only option if you want to try and save the marriage. Anything short of that just pack it in.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Badams said:


> I agree with most of you that I should go ahead and expose at least to the wife of the OM. Even with him out of the picture, I do not know if the marriage will survive. She has told me several times that she has been unhappy for years, but held it in and did not communicate that with me.
> 
> I still think she is letting the EA color her view of history, only seeing the bad times and bad feelings while blocking out the good ones as rationalization for her behavior now. But then again, I may be overly optimistic.


Badams, you have to understand, that re-writing the marital history is typical for someone in the fog of an affair. They remember the bad times and none of the good, sometimes even making up or blowing out of proportion anything that you did. Suddenly, they were unhappy for years.

This is all about her rationalizing and justifying the affair to herself so she won't feel the guilt of what she's doing. In fact, she has to demonize you in her mind so she won't feel guilty about having an OM. This is called re-writing the marital history and blameshifting. 

And I bet you didn't even know she was unhappy for years. You know why? Because she wasn't. This is a new development to compensate for her affair.


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

Lord, I agree with you and said as much to my IC. This feels like rationalization for her behavior. I don't doubt that she had unhappy times, but there was no way she was miserable the whole time for the past 5 years. 

I need to man up and expose to the OMW and get this moving.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Badams said:


> Lord, I agree with you and said as much to my IC. This feels like rationalization for her behavior. I don't doubt that she had unhappy times, but there was no way she was miserable the whole time for the past 5 years.
> 
> I need to man up and expose to the OMW and get this moving.


EXACTLY!! On all points!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Badams said:


> Lord, I agree with you and said as much to my IC. This feels like rationalization for her behavior. I don't doubt that she had unhappy times, but there was no way she was miserable the whole time for the past 5 years.
> 
> I need to man up and expose to the OMW and get this moving.


Do it and do it NOW... I am so concerned about your children. You need to get ahead of it (of them). While not be 100% positive, since I am not a fly on the wall, I am pretty damn sure they have already discussed their plans together after graduation that does not include you. 

Cut them off at the pass, and force the issue ahead of their ill-conceived plans. BTW, it may be true that a large corporation has no interests in an employees personal affairs (like this one), however I would guess (as someone else has already stated) that the large corp. is not interested in funding this activity. Since they (the corp) are paying for her education they need to to know how that funding is being used. 

Final thought, fight hard to keep your children out of the household that will include the OM... Few things get my ire up, but knowing that your autistic daughter will be exposed to someone who has displayed abusive tendencies... Do your homework and learn as much as you can about custody laws in your state.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Badams said:


> Lord, I agree with you and said as much to my IC. This feels like rationalization for her behavior. I don't doubt that she had unhappy times, but there was no way she was miserable the whole time for the past 5 years.
> 
> I need to man up and expose to the OMW and get this moving.


Yeah? You still going to wait until marriage counseling? Or are you going to do it RIGHT NOW? 
Your passive, do-nothing attitude will doom the marriage for certain. A lion doesn't let hyenas pick at his catch. And he certainly doesn't let his catch get away without a fight. 
Stop delaying and take action. Fight for what's yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Badams said:


> I should add that they have seen each other since D-day, several times. I know they have been to lunch a number of times and she saw him after work one evening at her office when she was supposed to be giving a presentation at a meeting that cancelled and she did not tell me. Unless they have been really creative, I do not think they have been alone in a place where sex is possible since returning from the trip, but I do not kid myself about how creative 2 horny people can get.
> I have not told her parents, they will be very upset to learn about it (their older daughter's first marriage ended much the same way around the time my wife and I got married). I have a very solid relationship with them and I think they would react by pushing her to break it off with him.
> Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, but I might tell her boss about it.
> I should also add that she has cut me off completely from all affection and contact. She claims she simply wants no sex or affection at all, but I imagine that I have somehow become the other man now and she does not want to cheat on him.


Just skimmed this.

She must withdraw from the program immediately.
She must be complete NC with him immediately.

Tell her this relationshiop is a dealbreaker.

Get to the lawyers office ASAP and file.

Stop with the counseling until she goes NC and complete her withdrawal.

The above is IF you want to save your marriage. Anything less and she is just going to be this guys little F-toy while he gets his MBA. Good times.

And yes EXPOSE.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya MC is not going to do a whole hell of a lot when the OM is still infecting the marriage.

The points you mentioned today are all valide, make no mistake that the OM has the influence to rewrite out marriage history, it is in his best interest to keep feeding your WW this illusion of how bad the marriage was, hell he may even believe it cuz of all the complaining your WW does.

Once eveidence is gathered, the next objective is NC with OM. So now is the time to piss her off and make her affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. The more you stress the affair the better off you are. 

You are working on making the prize not worth the effort from the other man. Once OM is gone then what ever attack you have with rebuilding the marriage will have more effect.

So make no mistake, the affair/OM has everything to do with how she percieve the marriage, her husband, and even her self.

Expose it and it indirctly confronts your wife, when OM calls your W and WW tells you about it. Sometime the OM will call the A off to save his own relationship


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She shows no remorse.

You have not offered her any consequences. 

You have not enforced any boundaries. 

Your marriage is doomed. You just haven't accepted it yet. You want to fix it? Then you need to expose, asap. You need to get her out of the MBA program as long as he is still in it. You have to make no-contact (including a hand written no-contact letter) a strict, deal-breaker boundary. She has to know that you're willing to leave without these things. If she senses, even a little, that you are not willing to leave then she'll cake eat. She'll cake eat while you rug sweep and your marriage will die on the vine.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

What is this EA crap, she's been boning the dude from day one since the trip. OP are you always this beta-male in life? Personally, I'm a vindictive MF'er and would be not only bringing the a world of hurt on the POSOM but your wife as well. 

Why are you so fearful of everybody?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some guys just aren't built for jail like you and me, zsu234


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

got the tee


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Badams - How's it going? Did you out to OMW or see an attorney yet?


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

I have spoken to an attorney and will do so again. I am still on the fence on exposing to the OMW, as they clearly have a lot of issues (remember the domestic battery arrest) so it may have the opposite of the desired effect.

I have started the 180 with the support of my IC and it is already showing results. 

I am going to review the exposure to the OMW after our MT visit tonight.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Just Let Them Go
Developing Detachment / Letting Go


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

Well, I moved out on Labor Day weekend without the exposure. I have an apartment near the house, and things have been up and down. She claims to have cut off contact with the OM, but I am not completely sure. She remains emotionally distant, but we continue with MT and she at least pretends to want to try to reconcile. There's a lot of doubt there, and I have no idea whether we will actually make it. 

The separation has had the desired effect of lessening the tension, and we have pretty much quit fighting, although we seem to be increasingly distant. I am trying the 180, making friends and showing myself to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible.

I have to admit to being borderline suicidal most days, and drink myself to sleep most nights. In front of her, I do my best to be calm and moving forward. I have lost 25 pounds in the last 3 months and look good (unfortunately, so does she). I am slowly adjusting to the loneliness, but it has been horrible. At least I get to see my kids as often as I want. I am sitting with them this week while she is on a business trip. 

I still second-guess the decision not to expose to the OMW, but I still think that it would backfire and result in him being single. I may yet change my mind, but am not sure this is the best move.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You haven't done anything in the past month except get out of her way and make things much easier and convenient for her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Badams

You should expose while your wife is away.

I know you are worried that this will push them together but guess what? They are still together......

You need to get the OMW on the same ballplan as you.

Why not reach out to her or meet her with the evidence. Let her know your goal is to get your wife back and keep your family together.

In the end, if it does not work and your wife is still fencesitting or not participating in your marriage why on earth would you still want to be married to her????

Find the strength and improve you life.

HM64


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Badams,

I get that you are afraid if you expose, the mess will explode. Honestly, you are knocked off your feet by this affair and you are in a defensive frame of mind. However, you are killing yourself with this decision.

You cannot honestly believe your wife is going to do anything other than play you. She knows you are too scared to expose, or at least has a strong feeling. She has you out of the way to carry on her affair and you have zero chance of getting a real marriage out of your arrangement.

When you finally figure this out, you will realize three things. Sharing your wife is worse than losing her to ********* OM. Any chance at a real marriage starts with you taking charge. And perhaps the most important one for your soul - you unload her secret which is causing you more pain than you realize.

Exposing is the right thing to do at every level.

Once you are able to get over your fear, you will see that. Until then, I suggest IC with a real professional that has dealt with infidelity to help you overcome this paralytic fear. It is killing you man. Please - help yourself heal and push past the fear.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Typical beta. :slap:

You moved out, and now her affair is that much sustainable.

You spent a whole month doing nothing, because your beta-ness wouldn't allow you to. 
OM has no consequences. Wife has no consequences. You have moved out of the home.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but due to your inaction and passive attitude, you have failed and your marriage will most definitely die in short order. 

If you want any sliver of chance at your marriage recovering, YOU NEED TO EXPOSE NOW, move back in your house, and file for divorce to take the power back from her. 

Right now OM and your wife know very well that you won't do sh!t, and they're probably getting laughs out of it. 

People told you to expose a month ago, you thought you knew better eh?

Hows the apartment life treating you? 

Either man up NOW and take action or consign yourself to your new soon-to-be divorced life, because when she gets her new MBA, the first thing you should expect is divorce papers.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Amen, typical "Conflict Avoidance", reading I'm just to good a guy to upset the apple cart BS.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are turning away from the one most effective tool for ending your wifes growing relationship with the OM - exposure.

Instead you are doing all the things that help her grow the relationship with the OM: You moved out - giving her additional freedom and privacy to continue it; You're drinking and abusing yourself - this is gonna show in your appearance and temperament and will make you less attractive to her.

She knows you're running away to avoid the conflict - do you think that makes you look like a strong partner that she wants to be with?

You need to expose. You need to move home with your kids. You need to stop drinking completely.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I want to scream things at you that would get me banned.

Forget yourself, you are showing you just aren't worth it, but god damn it you owe it to your children to step the hell up! Defend them! What is wrong with you that you refuse to? Make no mistake, you are choosing the cowardly way out, and they will pay the price for it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Cut out the pity party, put down the bottle, and pick up the phone. Start by calling your in laws, then call the Omw. She might not even know that she's in a fight for her marriage. She might have the balls to do something about it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You need to expose! Killed my Hs A dead in 2 weeks! It's got to be done mate! That slap of reality in the face really shakes both APs up!
Come on. You can do it. Don't you think his wife deserves to know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Yah you did a favour to them by moving out, now they may be doing it in your house.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

You are all 100% correct. OP, what they are saying may not be comfortable to hear........but they are correct. Please keep coming back.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, if you wanted out of the marriage, why did you come here ??

Your lawyer and the VETs here told you NOT to move out.
Now she don't have to see your misry everyday, thats why she is nicer. She gets to keep it all, and all you get is to come here and tell us that things are still bad.

Of course they are !!! Because you won't MAN UP !!

Move back home and kick her out.
Expose the A far and wide.
Call his empolyer and expose him. Threaten to bring a suit against them. They have to know of his arrest, so he may already be on their sh** list. Call his wife and expose, ask her if he is traveling this weekend.
File the D.

Why are you here if you won't take the advice from ppl that have been there and done that??


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Sigh.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Ugh.... Why does this happen over and over with every BS not listening to the right advice, just to spineless and scared cause they think they will just push the WS further away. 

You think you are doing the right thing, but you are doing all the wrong things. First off, I am a cheater, who exactly knows what your wife is doing, been with cheaters like her before, so please take this to heart and listen..... You already lost her, she does not respect you and everything you have done so far is making her respect you less and teacher her that she call walk all over you anytime without any consequences. She and the OM are making fun of you, he owns her, she already told you she can't stop with him. Read that again, she told you, because she already knows she has your balls and can outright tell you how much she loves the OM, cause basically she is telling you exactly that.

You keep taking her word that she doesn't want a D. That is because, she is a cake eater, us cheaters like it just the way it is.... Stay married but have our fun. That is what keeps it exciting, once you are gone so is the fantasy and then she is stuck with the other man who has a wife he probably already beaten. She doesn't want you to take that fun away, and let me tell you the sneaking, the deceit (cause by now she could care less about how you are feeling), the intense sex, I can go on but hopefully you get my point. It is all fun, she needs it, can't live without it and will try to keep it even if that means lying to you over and over. Unless you man up, nothing will change because she doesn't want it to. Good luck with that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ugh.... Why does this happen over and over with every BS not listening to the right advice, just to spineless and scared cause they think they will just push the WS further away. 

Beacause thats how they got where they are. They can't comprehend another way except the nice guy way. In this case he has just let a married man steal his life and family and he just drinks and whines.


Married Man Sex Life. This from bff's thread.

Re: wife and best friend having (at least) an EA 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm only about 25% of the way through the Married Man Sex Life Primer, but I think it is a MUST READ for every man who is in or ever wants to be in a long term relationship. Talk about a mis-titled book!

The chapter on balancing alpha/beta characteristics alone is worth the price of admission. Thanks for being so insistent, chapparal. Based on the title alone I didn't want to buy/read the book, but it is fantastic so far.

BFF 


Hell you can't even get them to read a book usually.


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