# Husband dropped a bombshell on me



## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Hi everyone. This is my first time visiting.

So here is my story:
We've had a pretty solid marriage so far. Had our ups and downs like any couple, but managed to always stay respectful and loving toward each other.

For the past year we have encountered financial problems which lead to arguments. There are always stress in our lives with his work and mine, long hours etc.

One thing I could always count on was my husband, but that all changed in a single sentence.

Out of the blue while we were arguing again, he just blurted out "I want a divorce - today!". A few minutes later he told me that he didn't mean it and only said it because he was angry and frustrated.

After two days of really being sad, I told him that I will try to put this behind me, but I truly can't. I've tried. I can't even think past the end of the year without thinking "Oh, but he doesn't want me, so why should I make long term plans?". 

Am I being stupid for feeling this way? How do I forgive him and how do I believe him that he didn't mean it. The fact is that he lied one of the two times. How do I know which one was the truth?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge-

Clearly he was unhappy with something, and put the blame on you. Did you bother to ask him what was causing the grief? Or do you have any idea?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may want to consider marriage counseling before this gets worse.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

We were arguing about him being impatient and high maintanance while we had a huge crisis to try to solve. He was actually not contributing anything but stress to the situation and I told him that we don't have time now to deal with his mood - we have a crisis. 

I wonder - something like this doesn't just pop out of nowhere if it wasn't in your mind, does it?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> I wonder - something like this doesn't just pop out of nowhere if it wasn't in your mind, does it?


Correct. And your answer above does not really go to the heart of the matter. What is he most upset about? What specifically does high maintenance refer too?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

I don't know what he is unhappy about. He doesn't communicate his feelings to me. At that moment he was upset because our son (5 years old) interrupted him while he was talking and he threw a tantrum about that - things escalated from there. He said that he wasn't informed of all the details regarding the problem, which he was. I had to explain everything 4 times. He suggested alternatives which I told him a few times I already tried and didn't work, but he didn't believe me and was wasting time to prove me wrong somehow. He chose not to get involved in the first place and did nothing to resolve it and at number 99 he wasn't helping, but infact fighting. That didn't help at all and I was running out of time.

What I meant by high maintenance - he wanted to go through the whole routine of "then you said this", "no you never told me that" back and forth and going nowhere until I give up and say I'm sorry. I didn't have time for it.

BTW - he's always upset about something. Today he'll be upset because I woke him infront of the TV to go to bed. The other day he will be upset because I don't give him enough space. There's always something.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Hunni, that sounds exactly like my husband! He is a major stressball, dropped tht "I don't want to be married" bomb May 20 this year. I wnted to work things out but he was adamant about it, he quit us.

He never communicated his feelings and always played the blame game which slowly tore apart my self-esteem.

He never listened to me and rolled his eyes at me constantly.

I feel for you.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Was it the first time he ever mentioned this to you?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge-

So I suppose given all that, that the intimacy between the two of you is infrequent?


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> Was it the first time he ever mentioned this to you?


yes, I never saw it coming. I suspected something was wrong but never expected him to say he didn't love me anymore or wanted to end the marriage.

We just got my passport at the end of March, we talked about going to Italy. The entire month of April was normal, when May hit everything went downhill.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> hlnlnge-
> 
> So I suppose given all that, that the intimacy between the two of you is infrequent?


Yes - We have discussed this in the past and nothing changed. It's always something stress, tired, kids, sickness. I've given up on that. If someone wants to be with you, they will. It's not for me to tell someone that they should "want" to be with me.
I don't want a "okay I'll do it just to please you then" situation.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge-

This needs further exploration...

Who used to do most of the initiation? Has sex stopped altogether.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> hlnlnge-
> 
> This needs further exploration...
> 
> Who used to do most of the initiation? Has sex stopped altogether.


Sex happens when he wants it - that's about once a month if I'm lucky. He has communicated to me that he is too tired in the evenings when I try to initiate. He gets up at 4:30 in the mornings and leave for work before we wake up - that seems to be the time that suits him, but he never wakes me.

Also - We both prefer to shower first if we plan to have sex and he will make sure not to shower and if I initiate it's like "Oh, I would have to go and shower first" and I would tell him "nevermind" and he'll say "are you sure". So I gather he's not really in the mood then.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> Also - We both prefer to shower first if we plan to have sex and he will make sure not to shower and if I initiate it's like "Oh, I would have to go and shower first" and I would tell him "*nevermind*" and he'll say "are you sure". So I gather he's not really in the mood then.


Two things strike me.
1) You need to get him into the habit of sex. Don't say nevermind in these circumstances. Instead, see it as a little game: Say, OK get a shower, I'm hot to trot!" and see where it gets you. Belive you me, if the situation were reversed, and it was him wanting sex, he would badger you non-stop (well that's what I'm like anyway ). Men can take a lot more stick than you're giving him. If you can gradually get him into a routine of expecting sex more often, it will warm up the rest of your marriage. You must try this more than once. A knock back is to be expected. If he knocks you back 5 times out of 5 - then something else is going on.

2)You don't appear to understand his mental state very well. All the answers you have given me are very vague. In his mind, he knows exactly why he is withdrawn. It's up to you to learn his inner language. Read this: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

That web page changed my marriage.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Two things strike me.
> 
> 2)You don't appear to understand his mental state very well. All the answers you have given me are very vague. In his mind, he knows exactly why he is withdrawn. It's up to you to learn his inner language. Read this: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library
> 
> That web page changed my marriage.


Thank you very much for taking time to address my problems. You know how desperate someone is to turn to strangers for advice on a relationship they know nothing about? I understand that you can only ask questions to encourage me to find more answers, but the answer simply lies with him. If he doesn't communicate his feelings, why should I read his body language and guess what he is thinking? Assumptions in our marriage only leads to more arguments. 

I have taken this "I want a divorce" very personal and real. He said that he didn't mean it. I don't believe him. How do you say something like that and don't mean it.

I want to talk this through with him, but can predict the outcome before hand. I would have to make peace with it anyway because he just keep op saying he didn't mean it - he takes no responsibility for anything - not even his own words. How can we try to discuss the reason he is unhappy if he doesn't acknowledge it in the first place?

I'm truly frustrated and don't know what to do?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> I understand that you can only ask questions to encourage me to find more answers, but the answer simply lies with him.


Well, the good news is, you're just plain wrong! If the answer lay with him 100%, you would be powerless to do anything about it. But there is a lot you can do.



hlnlnge said:


> If he doesn't communicate his feelings, *why should I read his body language* and guess what he is thinking? Assumptions in our marriage only leads to more arguments.


What I'm hearing here, and I tried to put this to you nicely already... is that you're just not interested in what he's going through. It need not be his body language. If you read that article I showed you, it explains how each persons internal world is different. How would you rate yourself and him %wise on the three modes?:
Audio
Tactile
Visual

I am Audio/Tactile, my wife is Audio/Visual. So I had work to do in order to understand her, and in order to make myself understood.



hlnlnge said:


> I have taken this "I want a divorce" very personal and real. He said that he didn't mean it. I don't believe him. How do you say something like that and don't mean it.


Over the last 20 years, my wife and I have hinted at divorce in arguments when we had absolutly no intention of getting within 100 miles of a lawyer! We are both very happy now. The D word signalled his unhappiness. It is a signal for you both to get busy. It does not mean he wants a divorce.



hlnlnge said:


> I want to talk this through with him, but can predict the outcome before hand. I would have to make peace with it anyway because he just keep op saying he didn't mean it - he takes no responsibility for anything - not even his own words. How can we try to discuss the reason he is unhappy if he doesn't acknowledge it in the first place?


I would not say a thing to him just yet. Work on yourself, and your abilities to understand him, otherwise, you will be picking words that will not resonate with him, and he will be using words that make little sense to you. You need insight. That has not happened yet, but it will come if you seek within.

It's not rocket science ​


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It doesn't sound like he CAN articulate what is really at the heart of the matter with him. IF you love him, then its your responsibilty to figure out what is going on. Refusign to try to figure out where he is coming from, will only make you shut down, and both of you will withdraw further from each other. If you want to avoid divorce, it might help to realize that in a marriage, his problems ARE your probelms, and vice versa.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

hlnlng:

*Could not agree more with what MarkTwain :smthumbup:has stated*:

"_What I'm hearing here, and I tried to put this to you nicely already... is that you're just not interested in what he's going through_."

You almost come across as if you think of his STRESS issues and mentioning of the "D" word as an annoyance and some sort of "strike" against your view of yourself (esteem) when it is HIM not YOU. You almost appear to be selfish (not interested in *his suffering*...and he IS suffering as NO spouse says this without suffering internally in some way)

"_The D word signalled his unhappiness. It is a signal for you both to get busy. It does not mean he wants a divorce_."

You must take the "D" statement as a SIGNAL :scratchhead:, not take it PERSONALLY . You are being very dramatic and over-reacting to his "in the heat of the moment" mention of the "D" word!

You two are in an economy several generations have never experienced. You admit stress is very high. 

SLOW DOWN; keep a perspective of "This is HIS signal TO ME"; and figure out how you are going to help him discuss this with civility without you going off the deep end with being so personally OFFENDED. 

My advice: FOCUS on HIM and STOP focusing on YOUR hurt and offended feelings, they are just feelings, not reality (yet)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What do you want?

Seems that you are surrendering an awful lot of power and influence over the relationship to someone by whom your own admission, doesn't know how to take responsibility and can't articulate his needs.

Do you want a divorce? Why, or why not?

And just echoing what everyone else here is telling you; he _didn't_ mean it. Do you believe it when a 4 year old screams "I hate you!"? He feels helpless. You feel mortified. You need a new plan. Insisting that he communicates to you in French when all he knows is Pig Latin, is setting both of you up for failure.

If you're fed up, and have no interest in trying to reach him, that's fine - cut him loose.

But if you do still love him, and despite his lack of ability to openly communicate, you suspect he still loves you, then you need to be willing to let your walls down to get past his.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You also stated: "One thing I could always count on was my husband, but that all changed in a single sentence".

Spouses need to be careful not to lay so much EXPECTATION on the other spouse for this what I call "Cinderella Myth": "He/She will _*always*_ be there they will *always* be my *ROCK* for me".

Although marriage is somewhat a safe haven, spouses are not bullet proof like the *Terminator*. Spouses, male or female, are HUMAN beings with human frailties.

When one lays SUCH a huge (usually unspoken) EXPECTATION challenge as "Being a ROCK" for the other, this creates STRESS in and of itself. SOME spouses feel they must *always* be the dependable one, the one to hold it all together, the one who does not disappoint or let control go. Quite often MEN are made into a HERO by the wife and sometimes he just need to let go of being the HERO now and again, and she just needs to let HIM be human and not panic when he does it.

There needs to be a give and take. The "Rock/HERO" role must not be too heavy an EXPECTATION. It must ALSO be jointly held. Each partner in a marriage must be able to be vulnerable and NOT have fear of being dismissed as weak, or the signal not being noticed, or ridiculed.

Marriage is a balancing act: 

Her: "I'm feeling down...overwhelmed"
Him: "I am here..." Hug, hug, listen, listen...listen, listen.

Him: (He does not *say* this  but is thinking): "I have fear I will lose my job in this economy and fail as a provider..." and the stress of this unspoken fear is evidenced BY: He doesn't get it up two nights in a row; acts angry and short tempered with kids; yells at wife I want a f-ing divorce!"
Her: (Wisely interpreting HIS unspoken thoughts) tells him calmly an hour _*later*_ in BED: "You know babe, I understand where this economy is going, I would like to start back to school and make sure we have a backup plan for us...let me give you head and you just lay back and THINK about it..." "


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Well, the good news is, you're just plain wrong! If the answer lay with him 100%, you would be powerless to do anything about it. But there is a lot you can do.
> 
> 
> What I'm hearing here, and I tried to put this to you nicely already... is that you're just not interested in what he's going through. It need not be his body language. If you read that article I showed you, it explains how each persons internal world is different. How would you rate yourself and him %wise on the three modes?:
> ...


I read the article and thank you for that. I am trying to figure out in which catagory he falls on the three modes. He is definately Visual and I am definately Audio. The cross I'm still trying to figure out.


I guess I am just a little discouraged at this moment. I have gone through trying for a long time with no progress at all. I have changed my behaviour, tone and approach so many times that it is now at a point that I'm tired of it. I truly believe that one person can only do so much. Thank you for your insight


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> It doesn't sound like he CAN articulate what is really at the heart of the matter with him. IF you love him, then its your responsibilty to figure out what is going on. Refusign to try to figure out where he is coming from, will only make you shut down, and both of you will withdraw further from each other. If you want to avoid divorce, it might help to realize that in a marriage, his problems ARE your probelms, and vice versa.


I DO love him. It just becomes impossible at times. He is always working so he is tired and stressed most of the time. I can understand that and I support him in every way. He doesn't have to do anything except go to and from work, I listen to him, try to cuddle, let him have his space and try to understand his problems.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> hlnlng:
> 
> *Could not agree more with what MarkTwain :smthumbup:has stated*:
> 
> ...


I've been focussing on HIM on not on myself throughout our marriage. If he complains about something, I change whatever is wrong from my side. Unfortunately it is one sided. Maybe I do sound selfish, but the truth of the matter is that I have given so much. We have to argue on his terms, everything we do is what he wants, we cook what he wants, he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it and if I (which happens rarely because I normally just tell him sorry - you were right. I will change this) stand my ground on a subject like what happend in our argument leading up to using the "D" word, it almost seem then that he goes to a greater extent to "win" the argument no matter what the cost at that moment - just for the sake of "winning". How constructive is that?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MizSmith said:


> It's understandable that you're very upset about this, but there are bigger issues here. Sounds to me like you aren't willing to try and figure out what's really going on with him. He sounds very tempermental so maybe you're just tired of the arguing and would rather not go there. idk
> 
> I think you should do as MarkTwain says and change your tone a bit. Initiate the sex and when he has an excuse agree with it and go with it. If he needs to shower then let him. Or offer to join him? Just stop saying "nevermind". He pushes then you push and neither of you are getting anywhere.. You both sound very stubborn and you both have to be "right". Someone has to bend at some point. I feel better walking away handing him the torch but still knowing I was right but it wasn't worth the argument. I don't need the trophy that bad.
> 
> I've also found speaking calmly and rational tends to calm the other person. My H is tempermental too but since I've changed my tone about things and speak to him in a more calm way or say we can talk later when you're able to talk seems to work. It calms him down too. You can't fight fire with fire, things will only explode.


I will certainly speak calmly - I'm sure me exploding doesn't help the situation in any way. I should also take responsibility of the breakdown in communication. 

I always say what I mean and mean what I say and by that I cannot automatically think that my husband is exactly the same way. 

If the fact that he says hurtful things in the heat of the moment is then something I should make peace with. I just thought that he can change some of his behaviour as well. As I said - one person in a marriage can do only so much.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> I read the article and thank you for that. I am trying to figure out in which catagory he falls on the three modes. He is definately Visual and I am definately Audio. The cross I'm still trying to figure out.
> 
> 
> I guess I am just a little discouraged at this moment. I have gone through trying for a long time with no progress at all. I have changed my behaviour, tone and approach so many times that it is now at a point that I'm tired of it. I truly believe that one person can only do so much. Thank you for your insight


You're getting such good advice here form everyone, that you will find things go much easier. It's not that you needed try harder, it's just that you need to get into his head a little more.

If he is visual, then he will like things neat and tidy. You will have to explain things to him in a very visual way. When he speaks, he will tend to paint a picture. You have to imagine you are looking at a canvas and guessing the significance of what he is alluding to. Don't listen directly to his words, but try to get behind them to the picture his is painting.

I must say, my wife is visual, and it's not easy guessing what she means. One way is to ask little questions about how he likes things arranged. The living space of this sort of person is important to them. In the same way as you don't like noise, he will not abide clutter.

For me, Dr. Tracy's website was a dividing line: life before I read it and life after I read it  You need to really let it sink in.

Read my thread to get some context: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> You're getting such good advice here form everyone, that you will find things go much easier. It's not that you needed try harder, it's just that you need to get into his head a little more.html[/url]


I appreciate all the good advice form everyone. 

I spoke in a calm way about what he said to me. He assured me that he didn't mean it. I believe him now. I still do think that one person cannot just say what they want and think there would be no damage. I let that go now. I am prepared to dig deeper to try to figure out what we are doing wrong.

I have taken your advice to get him in the habbit of sex. On Friday I initiated again and we followed the same path as "I have to shower first". I told him to do it then and decided to join him in the shower. He told me that this was really a mood killer and I was left exposed again. This was probably the worst experience with him yet. I tried to ask what I was doing wrong and after getting nowhere I got out and gave up. Now he feels guilty for doing that. I can't even begin to understand what's going on in his mind. I am so embarrased. I've also read here that I take things too personally so I don't want to do that now, but what must I do now? Do I keep on exposing myself to this humiliation and rejection? I truly don't know how to not take this personally.

Thank you again for taking the time to help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> I told him to do it then and decided to join him in the shower. He told me that this was really a mood killer and I was left exposed again. This was probably the worst experience with him yet. I tried to ask what I was doing wrong and after getting nowhere I got out and gave up. Now he feels guilty for doing that.


Do the exact same thing again, but don't join him in the shower. And don't worry about his guilt, that's his problem. Keep going, and eventually, you will either make a breakthrough, or you will get an answer to what is really going on with him. It may have to get worse before it can get better.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

.."He told me that this was really a mood killer and I was left exposed again. This was probably the worst experience with him yet. I tried to ask what I was doing wrong and after getting nowhere I got out and gave up."

Hmmm. SOMEthing is going on he isn't telling you, I can pretty much guarantee it. 

*How long has he been doing the Crabby Pants thing with you*? You mentioned in one of your earlier posts: 

"_BTW - he's always upset about something. Today he'll be upset because I woke him infront of the TV to go to bed. The other day he will be upset because I don't give him enough space. There's always something...._"

Can you pinpoint when this started? Is it his regular nature to be the way he is being?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Do the exact same thing again, but don't join him in the shower. And don't worry about his guilt, that's his problem. Keep going, and eventually, you will either make a breakthrough, or you will get an answer to what is really going on with him. It may have to get worse before it can get better.


I will keep on trying and hope for the best.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> .."He told me that this was really a mood killer and I was left exposed again. This was probably the worst experience with him yet. I tried to ask what I was doing wrong and after getting nowhere I got out and gave up."
> 
> Hmmm. SOMEthing is going on he isn't telling you, I can pretty much guarantee it.
> 
> ...


He has always been this way. I guess the change came when I started to get fed up with it. Too many hurtful things and all the blame was getting too much. 

The sex was never frequent mostly because he was always working long hours and was always very tired. I could understand that. His working hours changed about four months ago - still nothing has changed. I think Mark is correct that he is out of the habbit of having sex.

The other alternative of course is that he just isn't interested and have huge issues that I don't know about.


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## marriagehelp12 (Apr 8, 2009)

I have my own **** to improve in my marriage as we all do. However, one thing I have never done is threatened to my spouse I want a divorce. To me if you say it, you better F'ing mean it cause it doesn't feel good at all as you know. When I asked my spouse if sh emeant it she said yes at the time she did but after she cooled off she wanted to stay together again. Like I told her I am not a toy, say what you mean and mean what you say and we all should be thinking before we speak so we limit the amount of times we all hurt each other........


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## AllaboutEve (Jun 28, 2009)

This sounds very similar to my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have always been close. However, the relationship has been turbulent. We have been under financial strain because my husband set up his own business, he's an entrepreneur, and the economy is tough. I'm a full-time student but have my own money that I saved from when I was working a few years ago. 
Recently, my husband dropped the bombshell on me and asked for a divorce as well. He then said he wanted a trial separation. I am from another country and have no relatives here so have nowhere to go whereas he has his family. Of course this was very devastating to me so I can understand how you feel. All I can say is try to be patient and understand of his situation. Try to find out the reason behind his anger and frustration at you, i.e. the primary conflict. If this cannot be resolved the conflict will return. My husband was angry with me for simply talking to him. He wanted to be left alone and I cannot even talk to him anymore without him getting angry and verbally abusive. We also sleep in separate rooms, his choice, he sleeps on the couch (this has been going on for a long time) since we live in a tiny one bedroomed apartment and have a lack of space from one another. This hurts me as I really miss the physical side of our relationship. I cannot remember the last time we made love. However, patience and understanding is what is required because our husbands are most likely under stress related to work and this can put a real strain on a relationship.
I hope this helped you and that you feel not so alone.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

He might have said it because he was stress and frustrated and mad, but you are correct in thinking those things just dont come out of the blue. Which means he has been thinking about this for a while just waiting for the right time to tell you. SO the whole time you are talking about whatever the situation was, HE was thinking omg, do i say it now, no this is not that kind of fight, and He WASNT listening to what you were saying SO that is why he was suggesting things you already had said you tired. and then got more frustrated when you pointed this out AND finally just said what was going on in his head anyways....

so the thing is, does it matter? You already know how he feels or at least thinking about getting a divorce, does it matter how it came out and why? not really. do you want to save your marriage and not get a divorce? then you need to start addressing that issue and find out the reason he feels that way to begin with.

I wouldnt start by saying why did you say you wanted a divorce the other day when we were arguing about whatevetr it was....that puts him on the defense and uneasy because he did not want to say it yet. I think you need to start with, you are unhappy about something, what is it, can i help with it, is it something i done. 

my friend suggested this game, you say I am unhappy about......
and he fills in the blank. Each of you get to start a sentence that the other one needs to fill in the blank. i dont know is not an answer. And after that you try being more positive, i have a good life because..... or i am happy because.......

sometimes it workes.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

marriagehelp12 said:


> I have my own **** to improve in my marriage as we all do. However, one thing I have never done is threatened to my spouse I want a divorce. To me if you say it, you better F'ing mean it cause it doesn't feel good at all as you know. When I asked my spouse if sh emeant it she said yes at the time she did but after she cooled off she wanted to stay together again. Like I told her I am not a toy, say what you mean and mean what you say and we all should be thinking before we speak so we limit the amount of times we all hurt each other........


I totally agree with you. I will never say something as hurtful to anyone. It's just cruel if you don't mean it.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

AllaboutEve said:


> This sounds very similar to my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have always been close. However, the relationship has been turbulent. We have been under financial strain because my husband set up his own business, he's an entrepreneur, and the economy is tough. I'm a full-time student but have my own money that I saved from when I was working a few years ago.
> Recently, my husband dropped the bombshell on me and asked for a divorce as well. He then said he wanted a trial separation. I am from another country and have no relatives here so have nowhere to go whereas he has his family. Of course this was very devastating to me so I can understand how you feel. All I can say is try to be patient and understand of his situation. Try to find out the reason behind his anger and frustration at you, i.e. the primary conflict. If this cannot be resolved the conflict will return. My husband was angry with me for simply talking to him. He wanted to be left alone and I cannot even talk to him anymore without him getting angry and verbally abusive. We also sleep in separate rooms, his choice, he sleeps on the couch (this has been going on for a long time) since we live in a tiny one bedroomed apartment and have a lack of space from one another. This hurts me as I really miss the physical side of our relationship. I cannot remember the last time we made love. However, patience and understanding is what is required because our husbands are most likely under stress related to work and this can put a real strain on a relationship.
> I hope this helped you and that you feel not so alone.


Did the patience and understanding help you in your marriage this far?

Do you know what made him want a divorce in the first place?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MizSmith said:


> Wow. I would take that personally. But remember even if you do you don't always have to show it. Stay strong in his face. I totally agree that there is more he is not telling you. He sounds so much like my H.. And when I got down to it (both times) and made my breakthrough (both times) it was someone else.. I hate to put things in your head but thats what this sounds like. Let him feel guilty. He should. Maybe without hearing you complain and without the arguing he can see you're truely hurting. I'm saying this with my glass half full... lol
> 
> Mine would reject me when he was seeing others. He brought it up in a recent argument the other night that I could initiate sometime. I had to explain that it's really hard to bring myself to do it since I had been rejected in the past so much. It takes a lot. It's not easy to get passed. I totally understand your hurt, confusion and frustration.
> 
> Keep trying and continue to remain calm and not blow up. It's hard cuz I bet you want to scream but that will only end bad... Once you know whats going on you will feel better knowing and be more ready take the next steps.


Thank you for sharing. It just goes to show that someone doesn't just display such behaviour without reason.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MrsVain said:


> He might have said it because he was stress and frustrated and mad, but you are correct in thinking those things just dont come out of the blue. Which means he has been thinking about this for a while just waiting for the right time to tell you. SO the whole time you are talking about whatever the situation was, HE was thinking omg, do i say it now, no this is not that kind of fight, and He WASNT listening to what you were saying SO that is why he was suggesting things you already had said you tired. and then got more frustrated when you pointed this out AND finally just said what was going on in his head anyways....
> 
> so the thing is, does it matter? You already know how he feels or at least thinking about getting a divorce, does it matter how it came out and why? not really. do you want to save your marriage and not get a divorce? then you need to start addressing that issue and find out the reason he feels that way to begin with.
> 
> ...


He doesn't seem to want to share what is bothering him. I asked if there is something he is unhappy about, but he insists that there is nothing and that he didn't mean it. The fact is that our marriage is not in a good state - I guess I am the unhappy one now.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

There is always a method to the madness and my H never talked about his feelings. instead he kept them bottled up and hs resentment came out in a form of hurtful sarcasm and cutting remarks that ate away at my self-worth.

There has to be a way to get that man to open up. How was the communication when you first got married?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Veronica Jackson said:


> There is always a method to the madness and my H never talked about his feelings. instead he kept them bottled up and hs resentment came out in a form of hurtful sarcasm and cutting remarks that ate away at my self-worth.
> 
> There has to be a way to get that man to open up. How was the communication when you first got married?


It was always great. We used to discuss a problem until both were happy. I truly don't know when this changed. 

I must add - since the incident in the shower, he has made a complete turnaround. He is helpful with the children, he is patient with me, he tries to make conversation and are very affectionate towards me. I don't know what to make of it. Is it the guilt or is he sincere I wonder?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> I must add - since the incident in the shower, he has made a complete turnaround. He is helpful with the children, he is patient with me, he tries to make conversation and are very affectionate towards me. I don't know what to make of it. Is it the guilt or is he sincere I wonder?


Has it translated into the bedroom?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Has it translated into the bedroom?


Not at all. I know that you said that I should keep on trying, but find it very difficult to do. I can't get myself so far. I truly can't handle another rejection - at least not now. I know this is childish, but I really don't want to. I'd rather leave it in his hands now to see how long it is going to take him to initiate. Is that a bad idea?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Set your alarm for 4:30. Shower together.

Has he had a checkup for his low interest? It could be depression. It could be physical. Chemical.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

So today I am back more confused than before. It has been months since the "I want a divorce today" incident and well things went back to "normal" for a while. I've been through the "what's wrong? why don't you want to have sex? What am I doing wrong?. 

The answer first was that he is tired. The next was that he is a morning person. I left it there.

Last week I asked him "So, are we going to fool around?" and he said "Yes, of coarse". But he thought I had left the room and I saw him throwing a tantrum because he had to have sex with me. I really thought the shower thing was the most humiliating moment, but this one was the winner by far.

This is why I pushed to get an answer and it came out: Sex with me is an effort. Certain things that I do is a turnoff for him and has been for the past 10 years. Its me. I asked him why he never just told me "Hey, I don't like it if you do that" and I would've changed it in a heartbeat and he said that he thought that things would get better on its own.

Today, I feel like giving up. Yes he told me what's really going on (I think). I am so devastated and humilitated.

He's been pretending for our whole marriage.

and now?


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

Obviously there are some obsticles here. You both need to get together as a couple more and have more "fun" time together and not just day to day "stress" time.

Sex is important and that can start with hopping in the shower with him or just starting with some touching or stroking to establish intimacy.

Also start scheduling some "dates". Find some things you two can do that you both enjoy. Even if it's just a dvd or a regular show you can share each week after your child goes to bed. You both need some time to bond again as a couple.

Yes the divorce comment is hard to ignore, but if you keep focusing on it, it will become a reality. Instead focus on making the relationship better.


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

Sorry, I didn't read all the posts. The sex issue is a tough one. Now you probably feel awful.

Why if you two tried kind of starting over with sex? Promise you both must be honest with each other about what you like and dislike. Then spend some time just getting to know each other's body. No pressure that there must be "the final act" but just some time exploring each other and saying what feels good. 

Do this after an evening out together doing something fun and enjoyable so this won't feel like work....but rather an extension of a pleasant time together.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Its posts like this that make me wonder what's wrong with my wife. I would never turn her away ever. I can never get enough of my wife sexually and this is 18 years. I feel for you. You should feel desired. I understand how this effects your self esteeme. I am battling this myself. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

hlnlnge said:


> This is why I pushed to get an answer and it came out: Sex with me is an effort. Certain things that I do is a turnoff for him and has been for the past 10 years. Its me. I asked him why he never just told me "Hey, I don't like it if you do that" and I would've changed it in a heartbeat and he said that he thought that things would get better on its own.
> 
> Today, I feel like giving up. Yes he told me what's really going on (I think). I am so devastated and humilitated.
> 
> ...


Okay, I would be devastated and humilitated too. But looking at your situation from the outside, this would be the worst time to give up! He has finally opened up to you, so at least now you have something to work with. 

You are not a man, you are not him, you only work with how he responds...so if he hasn't been forthcoming with what he wants, what feels good, what doesn't .... it aint about you 

I hope he gave you enough detail to work with....if not, ask for details...what would turn him on etc....read up some stuff on your own and talk about it...

I think the reason many men/women keep quiet about what they like/don't like is either fear of hurting the other or fear of being thought of as a wierdo  ... Either way, this isn't about you...it's about being more open with one another sexually.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

When are you going to ask him what it is that you do that he doesn't like or rather, what it is he'd like you to do? This will be the real key as to whether he's telling you the truth. If he says, "I don't know" he either doesn't know because there is nothing or he doesn't want to tell you in which case there's probably an outside influence at work he's embarrassed to discuss with you (something he saw or has a secret fetish about... or worse, he's really not into sex/women and prefers going solo.)


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