# Is Being Loved and Respected Most of the Time Unrealistic?



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

While I was discussing some things with the ex the topic of "us" came up and why our marriage failed. Normally I would sidestep this topic and move on to something more pertinent to our son but this time I indulged her. 

She asked me what I realistically expected from a wife or *her* for that matter and I replied "What I have always said in the past to you, to be loved and respected 90% of the time." She retorted that I was being unrealistic and that nobody is perfect. I responded "Well 100% would be perfect, 90% percent gives your 10% wiggle room for our bad days". 

I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I believe in 100%...my H recently told me that he was a good man 99.9% of the time. Leaving himself enough wiggle room for bad behavior. Unnacceptable.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I believe in 100%...my H recently told me that he was a good man 99.9% of the time. Leaving himself enough wiggle room for bad behavior. Unnacceptable.


HA your are being unrealistic! :smthumbup:

Thank you for replying.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think respect has to be there 100% of the time. Since most experts say that love waxes and wanes in LTRs, hmm, maybe that can be less than 100%, marginally.

What's interesting about these concepts is that

1. There are probably a lot of people out there whom you don't like but you do respect.

2. However, how many people out there do you like or love but DON'T respect. I don't think it's possible.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


 No, I don't think it's an unrealistic expectation. 

Completely agree with next_time_around that respect should be 100% of the time. Even if you're having a disagreement. Even if you're not finding your SO very 'lovable' at the moment. Even if you're having a bad day.

And everyone is ENTITLED to have bad days, bad hours, bad moments. I remember occasionally thinking (when I was younger), "Geez, even *I* can't stand myself right now!" Sometimes circumstances get to you. But, that does not entitle you to be evil, mean, vindictive, twisted at your SO just because life cr*pped on you! Lashing out or giving in to bad behaviors is a childish way to react to stress, disappointment, frustration. *Adults* don't do this.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If 100% honest conversation is always included - where you don't harm your partner in order to defend yourself - respect will always be there. It's when you stop hearing your spouse that they stop communicating and stop respecting.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

She wouldn’t have got an answer out of me until I knew why she asked the question!


Her motivation for asking the question is far more important to you than any answer either of you may give to it.


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Put me down as another for whom Respect 100% of the time is a firm boundary that's been communicated clearly since day 1. Sadly it seems like it takes a full marriage before that usually gets figured out.

@AFEH: As for her motivation, given that they are divorced (and don't have ties other than a shared child) it seems likely she has been trying to understand why the marriage failed (and from her answer perhaps trying to find an reason that doesn't put any blame on her).


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, not unrealistic at all. My husband and I love and respect each other at all times! Not once have we disrespected each other these last 12 years of marriage.

My first marriage was another story. My ex once told me he will never have respect for women and all women are going to hell. He's also a very sick person.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Sanity said:


> I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


I think that depends an awful lot on how a person defines "love", "respect", and "treating you right". Carol and I generally argue with love and respect. Even when angry we seek to treat each other right.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think a spouse falls out of love quite often when they lose respect for their partner. Which fits nicely once again with the belief that you can't love someone without respecting them.

What would be interesting is to list the kinds of things that would make a spouse lose respect for their partner.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sanity said:


> is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


No you aren't. My husband and I treat each other right even on the bad days. It's not too much to ask. 

Even if I'm in the throes of the worst day ever I can still be nice to my husband even if that means I have tell him "sweetie I'm in a really bad mood today so I'm just going to go be alone for a while". I do the same to him as I would for friends.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Anubis said:


> @AFEH: As for her motivation, given that they are divorced (and don't have ties other than a shared child) it seems likely she has been trying to understand why the marriage failed (and from her answer perhaps trying to find an reason that doesn't put any blame on her).


Which is exactly my point!

If she’d have said “When you have the time I’d really like to discuss with you why our marriage broke down. Please let me know when you can make the time”.

Or if Sanity had said “Why do you ask me such a question now?” then she may well have come back with “I’d really like to know why our marriage broke down”.

The whole thing would have panned out exceedingly differently to just answering a question and then getting disagreement!

The very essence of this type of communication is “Seek first to understand”! Which Sanity didn’t do. So it becomes more or less a matter of contention whatever the answer is!


Of course if Sanity’s ex would not declare her motivations for asking such a question then again he has more information to go on. Like she’s looking for fault, looking to blame, trying to hurt him …. Or whatever her motivation was. In this latter again she would not have got an answer from me without knowing her motivations!


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Which is exactly my point!
> 
> If she’d have said “When you have the time I’d really like to discuss with you why our marriage broke down. Please let me know when you can make the time”.
> 
> ...



Ah, I see what you meant. 

As I happen to have an ex- ws myself, I just assumed that Sanity has disconnected from her to the point where it doesn't matter that much to him what she does/wants, thus he chose not to engage her further.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Anubis said:


> Ah, I see what you meant.
> 
> As I happen to have an ex- ws myself, I just assumed that Sanity has disconnected from her to the point where it doesn't matter that much to him what she does/wants, thus he chose not to engage her further.


She obviously still has influence on Sanity, in that he came here to check his beliefs out against hers.

Fortuneatly we can get to a point where we just don't give a sh!te what their beliefs are wrt marriage.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sanity said:


> While I was discussing some things with the ex the topic of "us" came up and why our marriage failed. Normally I would sidestep this topic and move on to something more pertinent to our son but this time I indulged her.
> 
> She asked me what I realistically expected from a wife or *her* for that matter and I replied "What I have always said in the past to you, to be loved and respected 90% of the time." She retorted that I was being unrealistic and that nobody is perfect. I responded "Well 100% would be perfect, 90% percent gives your 10% wiggle room for our bad days".
> 
> I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


No, it is not unrealistic at all. Speaking for myself, I have many more bad days than my husband, PMS I can get grouchy (in it right now) Over emotional, cry at near any darn thing. I can rant louder than the rest of the month....BUT....here is the thing....when I do this.. I quickly realize...I am going overboard, getting out of hand...I need to apologize....and well, I can be awfully humble when I am feeling like that.. and my husband, well he is a very understanding & a loving man. 

I think I accually make myself sound WORSE than I really am on here. He would say that in a heartbeat.

Just the point being.. is it unrealistic to expect your spouse to never say or do a word out of line.... but it is terribly realistic to expect them to CARE, desire to make it up to you..and quickly...saying "I am sorry" ...this should be a part of all of our makeup when we do something hurtful to another....wanting to take way the pain we caused in a bad moment, get our hearts right with the other ...so that you both feel wholly loved by the time you lay your heads to sleep that night....no matter the issue. 

Great book here :

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs : Emerson Eggerichs: Books

And sometimes our imperfections make us beautiful:

The Gifts of Imperfection - YouTube

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Brene Brown: Books


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> No, it is not unrealistic at all. Speaking for myself, I have many more bad days than my husband, PMS I can get grouchy (in it right now) Over emotional, cry at near any darn thing. I can rant louder than the rest of the month....BUT....here is the thing....when I do this.. I quickly realize...I am going overboard, getting out of hand...I need to apologize....and well, I can be awfully humble when I am feeling like that.. and my husband, well he is a very understanding & a loving man.
> 
> I think I actually make myself sound WORSE than I really am on here. He would say that in a heartbeat.
> 
> ...


Great post. If I follow you correctly, you are saying that its unrealistic for your partner to never say a cross word towards you but they should be capable of immediately correcting the offense and even making up or "dressing the wound".

My ex would apologize but in the same breath would place the blame on her behavior on me because of something I did or didn't do where I was always expected to apologize profusely for several hours/days. 

A previous posted here mentioned that I still cared for what my exw thinks of me. Another poster mentioned that I was emotionally disconnected from her. I just wanted to do some self reflection and see it as a "teachable moment" for myself. After being apart for over year my feelings for her are pretty much done. I won't lie to you do, I still find her very attractive, but as you get older you realize thats not enough.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think we all have to come out of our own head and make reality checks at some time or another. Those that don’t are usually pretty messed up people.


But your values are your values. If say you want respect 100% of the time then the best way to get it is to give it.


It’s in these ways we teach people how to treat us. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work and for the times it doesn’t, it’s what our boundaries are for. This time round we use our boundaries to teach people how to treat us.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I made a post elsewhere that is perhaps even more appropriate here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/45575-how-would-you-handle-accident.html#post726002

To be "loved" 100% of the time? Perhaps unrealistic, depending on how you are defining "loved". Respected 100% of the time? Absolutely. There is no room, zero, for disrespect in a good relationship. It should be nipped in the bud as soon as it rears it's ugly head.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

We should strive to love and respect our partners all the time. However, human nature being what it is, we're unlikely to show achieve this _all_ the time. When we're angry or have a tiff, I think we all say or do things that we wish we hadn't.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sanity said:


> Great post. If I follow you correctly, you are saying that its unrealistic for your partner to never say a cross word towards you but they should be capable of immediately correcting the offense and even making up or "dressing the wound".


 Yes, I feel healthy people should be able to do this... but let me say.. this is easier to do if/when it was just a mindless ranting -cause one is in a bad mood -through no fault of the other. 



> My ex would apologize but in the same breath would place the blame on her behavior *on me *b*ecause of something I did or didn't do* where I was always expected to apologize profusely for several hours/days.


 This sounds abusing to me. From the way this is worded, the apology is hollow.. there is no humilty at all and she is in accually blame shifting on you & desiring to make you suffer. 

I guess I'd like to hear an example. Of course many of our outbursts can be over something a spouse accually DID that led up to this outburst....so your wife feels justified in making your suffer. Better to not apologize if you don't really mean it. Because this is bypassing the healthy give & take communication to accually "settle" the issue in both of your hearts. >>>> 

If one is really really steaming, she shouldn't jump to a hollow apology ..oh no......but they can calmly and honestly discuss WHY they feel so hurt (without blameshifting)...this takes vulnerability -where many refuse to go ....it shows our weaknesses...that we can be hurt. It is so much more common to blame shift. Generally when someone is humble, it allows for the other to lower their defenses. But it has to start with someone! 



> A previous posted here mentioned that I still cared for what my exw thinks of me. Another poster mentioned that I was emotionally disconnected from her. I just wanted to do some self reflection and see it as a "teachable moment" for myself. After being apart for over year my feelings for her are pretty much done. I won't lie to you do, I still find her very attractive, but as you get older you realize thats not enough.


 Attraction is surely NOT enough - if she is treating you without respect , if she refuses to acknowledge her own hand in the turmoil that led to this separation/divorce (??), not aware of your full story..(sorry), this is just not a workable situation. 

Wouldn't we all "care" (to some degree) how someone we shared such a deep part of our lives with.... may feel/think about us. I think that just makes you a sensitive man..nothing wrong with even admitting that. Does it matter how she feels since she is out of your life.....NO, not at all....Just remind yourself of that daily. 

You want to be emotionally disconnected from her...so you can give this to someone else....who is worthy of you.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I have not read all pf the posts. I believe that it is reasonable to exepect 100% love and respect in a marriage.

Now this does not mean that people cannot get upset with one another. You can have conflict and still have 100% love and respect.

Now other needs are not so black and while but the above are the foundation of a marriage.


----------



## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Sanity said:


> While I was discussing some things with the ex the topic of "us" came up and why our marriage failed. Normally I would sidestep this topic and move on to something more pertinent to our son but this time I indulged her.
> 
> She asked me what I realistically expected from a wife or *her* for that matter and I replied "What I have always said in the past to you, to be loved and respected 90% of the time." She retorted that I was being unrealistic and that nobody is perfect. I responded "Well 100% would be perfect, 90% percent gives your 10% wiggle room for our bad days".
> 
> I was being somewhat facetious as its difficult if not impossible to quantify behavior and give it a "grade" but it did get me thinking, is it really so unrealistic to expect your spouse/lover to treat you right MOST of the time? Am I dreaming here?


No, you are not dreaming. In healthy relationships people are loved and respected. Nobody is perfect, so expecting 100% is unrealistic. Anyone who says that they are nice and kind ALL THE TIME is either lying or delusional. Sorry, but humans have bad days.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't think it's really about being a perfect spouse over a certain percentage of time, but about how often a spouse is willing to remain committed, faithful, and trustworthy with regard to one's boundaries and vulnerabilities. If you're a bad listener and not terribly exciting in bed or in life, that's workable because people don't always shine every single day and we all have bad days, too; 60% being a dynamic persona and 40% being kinda dull isn't the end of the world. It's something else if you're violating your spouse's trust and exploiting the relationship any percentage of the time; 95% faithful and 5% faithful or 98% sweet and 2% abusive and degrading is a bit worse, a bit less tolerable. There has to be wiggle room, but the kind of thing about which there should be wiggle room is important, too.

Grading makes sense, but you can't grade the person, just the quality of the relationship and then...both people have to agree to make changes to that relationship to improve it's grade. In that sense, the grade is based on something like happiness vs conflict or on how well people are able to meet each others needs. Set the parameters right and it is a useful diagnostic tool; set them wrong and it just makes you a tool.

If your relationship is based only on how much your partner can measure up to your ideal, then you don't have a partner but an object or a pet....that's kinda how I see it.

(I don't mean the "you" to apply only to the original poster, but to be a generic form of address to a broad "you" that could be anyone).


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think there are degrees of disrespect, and yes, we do all have thoughtless or inattentive moments. I like what John Gottman discovered in his studies about the relationships that do work compared to the ones that don't. 

He videotaped couples who had been asked to discuss a topic that they disagree about and followed up years later. He discovered that the couples who stayed together and had the highest happiness had at least five positive exchanges for every one negative. Since his theories have shown themselves to be pretty valid over the decades since, I'd say that it's a pretty reliable indicator that 80% agreement *is* possible and desirable. I'd go so far as to say that if that percentage is absent, a couple shouldn't marry.


----------

