# Witts End



## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

Where do I even start at this point. I'm sad. I'm disapointed. I'm frustrated. I'm looking for a reason to hang onto this marriage but as the title says, I'm at my witts end. Did I mention sad.

We sleep in separate beds. We do not talk. Not only about deep meaningful things, but barely even small talk anymore. We do our own thing on the weekends. We hang out in separate rooms during the week. We are cordial and respectful of each other, but we are two ships passing in the night and have become complete strangers. Neither of us are cheating, and yes I am 1,000% sure.

I have a few other threads on this forum, but just to recap. I'm 33, he's 45..together 9 years. No kids. Financially stable. 

I've felt like there were issues for a few years now, but it has recently gotten to the point where I feel like I'm suffocating, wasting my life, etc. I put forth 100x more effort than this man in every way imagineable. I keep our house clean (like not a speck on the floor, deep 2x week cleanings and constant upkeep), I feed our dogs, I take our dogs to the vet, I take care of our dogs when they get sick, I do our laundry, I pay our bills, I put away the dishes, I take out the trash, I take care of him when he's sick, I plan for our future, I encourage him, I make the customer service calls for both of us because he refuses to deal with that, I work full time, insert 1000 other *things here* . He does not do any of these things. And not that this is super relevant, but he also makes 20k less than me per year.

His areas in our house are in ruins. His garage, the lawn, his bathroom, his bedroom, even the fridge if I don't clean out his stuff. If you walk into my house, you will think it's immaculate, but if you want into his garage, you will think you're on an episode of freaking extreme hoarders.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent about cleanliness, and although that's imporant- there are much more important things.

I have developed an alcohol issue. I'm not sure I'd call myself a full blown alcoholic as I'm still functioning very highly, working and doing all the stuff I just described above- but it's something I've become aware of that has progressed and needs to stop. I communicated this to husband (in tears) and said more than anything in the world- I just want to stop drinking because I feel like I've lost myself (I HAVE). This took courage. Im not bad enough that anyone else in my life has noticed. I confided in him. This was months ago. Husband never once said "how can I help". Never once questioned me after I failed at my attempt to quit after a few days. Never once said a SINGLE WORD to stop me when after work I said Im going to run an errand and when asked where- was honest and said the liquor store. Response "ok". Also never stopped drinking himself to support me. 

I certainly am not looking for him to "save me" as I know in my heart and soul, only I can save myself. However that being said, his reaction and lack thereof truly hurt me simply because he acted as though I never confessed to having a problem and wanting help at all. There have been many things in this relationship that have hurt me, made me feel alone, etc- but seeing my husband of 9 years treat my self intervention as if it meant nothing, TRULY made me question everything. I can forgive almost anything, but literally not caring- that's not even about forgiveness- it's more like what am I doing staying with this?

Im just scared- everything inside of me is screaming that this is so wrong- but I can't even imagine falling in love again, starting over, being comfortable with someone else. Maybe I need to just execute with an understanding that I have to be okay if I end up alone forever. It's rough out there now a days. Seems like nobody appreciates anyone and people are always looking for the next best thing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You're only 33; before you know it life just passed you by and you're still grasping for that last shred of hope that never comes. 

You both are just taking the cowardly way which too many people take nowadays. 

Get out, end it. You could be in another wonderful relationship with a guy your age and having kids, if that something you would want. Why continue, why torment yourself anymore. Do you see yourself as someone hideous? Someone that nobody would want you, for you to be stuck in a dead relationship?
Is your self-esteem low?

Move on; after a while you will reflect on the lost time of your life that you can never get back, but at least you got out.

Stop drinking. Alcohol keeps you down, until it is your new normal. Go out, exercise, get those endorphins of feeling good by doing plenty of exercise.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You sound depressed to me. Also, you know that drowning yourself in alcohol is not the answer. Just because he does not seem to value you, don't lose value for yourself. Find it deep inside yourself, not because he cares.

Sounds like at one time there may have been more intimacy and connection. What happened? IMO, you no longer have a marriage--maybe a roommate situation with you being the exhausted and frustrated maid and caretaker?

Being scared is part of change, but what do you have to lose? I'm thinking IC for you might be helpful. Do you have support--friends, family, pastor? Be strong, be brave, incorporate a new emerging self--one that you wish to be.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

You have a parent/child relationship. It won’t work. Get off the fence and get out. You’re prolonging everything by self-medicating. Stop feeling responsible for his welfare & happiness. He’s a grown man. Put yourself first and stop enabling him in being a slacker. 

Make plans to move forward and focus on the plan. Tell yourself to only drink when you feel good and positive. If you’re already swimming in hurt & anger, alcohol will only make it worse and take away your power. You already know what you need to do. All paths forward start with one step. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

What has made you stay in this relationship for so long? When did you start sleeping in separate bedrooms? Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It's "wits' end". I believe it is an old biblical phrase from back when "wit" meant knowledge and it signified that a person is at the end of their ability to solve their problems with reason and was at the point where they needed to rely on faith.

Sounds like you have two problems - the bad marriage and the boozing. It's tough to tackle them both at the same time and dangerous to do one without the other. I'm far from an expert on either, but if it were me, I'd address the alcoholism first. I don't think you want to go through a divorce while also struggling with a drug addiction. That smells like a recipe for disaster.

Maybe while you are getting clean and sober you can also lay down some "these things need to change if we are going to stay married" guidelines. When he fails to follow them (and he sounds like the type that won't), you can dump him in good conscience and get on with your life. Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some chick said:


> I have a few other threads on this forum, but just to recap. I'm 33, he's 45..together 9 years.


Why were a 24 year old and a 36 year old getting together in the first place?

It's not uncommon when you see these young women and significantly older men getting together it is often because more mature women see through these guy's crap and won't touch them with a 10 foot pole and the guys have to scout out younger and more naïve women in order to get their sex kitten and maid. 

Now that you are grown and mature you can see him for the waste of space that he is. 

I'm 55 so I can tell you with complete surety that you have a whole life ahead of you and you can do and be anything you want. 

Put down the bottle and take care of yourself and do what you want and need to do to make a rich and full life for yourself. That will likely mean putting on your Big Girl pants and leaving him in your rearview mirror.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lots of mean posts. Not sure what is up with that, though I have not followed your other posts. Here are my thoughts. Please bear with some speculation herein and adjust. (Obviously throw out if it is full of it.)

It sounds to me like of the 5 basic human needs (Choice Theory Basic Needs) you have survival nailed. I would speculate that love & belonging and fun are seriously missing. If it were me, I would start addressing those of the basic needs I am missing to help fill me up. Take a look at how you feel about your power. Does your marriage make you feel powerless to influence the outcomes in your life? Do you take satisfaction from your achievements? Your high standards of housekeeping are certainly higher than I feel I can achieve. Do those things make you feel capable to face your life? Fun and love and belonging sound like they may be missing in a big way. Do you have buddies that you hang with and do stuff? If not, this is a great place to start. The goal here is filling up YOUR tank of feeling good, strong, powerful, loveable and just centered and balanced.

As it relates to your husband, I am going to turn this on its head. Here is what I speculate. (see? There is a lot of speculating... but it is what it is) You guys talk so little now that he probably is not more than vaguely aware that you are unhappy. The process of leaving him would look like him being dumbfounded for a bit. And then even possibly Big Efforts to make things right. You may never know why. Does he like having Mamma to take care of him? Does he really love you in his own baffling way? You may never know. But you have the perfect reason to distance yourself from him without blame. You cannot be in the same house with someone who does not support your quitting drinking and drinks himself right under your nose. I am suggesting playing a little mind game with yourself. And thus in the manner you communicate with him. You MUST leave for your own physical and mental health. It really does sound like it is past time to leave. And by leave, I mean leave HIM not necessarily your domicile. The one YOU take care of so well. But you have sort of a good "out" wrt to explaining and dealing with your husband. You can leave the other issues that I think we can safely say will never change and use this one to pacify him as much as possible to get him out of your way as you detach.

As for the alcohol. Forget the labels. You are or are not a "full blown alcoholic". Meh. You want to stop drinking. And that is good. Counter to popular belief, one does not need to fall into some rock bottom to make a change. Rock bottom is the only motivation that can get through to a very serious alcoholic perhaps. But one needn't hit this bottom or fail to see THEIR bottom where ever they are. Bottom can just mean where ever you are when you say Enough. If it were me, I would start with discussing this with your doctor. It can be nice to admit you feel it is a problem to someone. And in this case, the someone cannot speak to anyone else about it. There are two medications that they can offer you. One is antibuse which makes one seriously ill upon drinking alcohol and one is Naltrexone which can reduce cravings. There are other treatment options that they may offer you in terms of mental health counseling which, in my view, can be very, very positive. Alcohol is baffling in that it does follow much of the disease model as science has proved. This is great because treatment is then covered by insurance. But there is a mental health component. Unlike things like cancer, there is not one set on known treatments with known expectations for success. There are a couple of non-medical approaches to quitting. Everyone has heard of AA. Not everyone has heard of SMART recovery https://www.smartrecovery.org/. There are others. The takeaway. This is your journey. YOU both can and have to choose what route you take. But you have time to take the journey. The journey can be as important as the destination.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find some people who can support you! Keep us posted as to how it goes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some chick said:


> Where do I even start at this point. I'm sad. I'm disapointed. I'm frustrated. I'm looking for a reason to hang onto this marriage but as the title says, I'm at my witts end. Did I mention sad.
> 
> We sleep in separate beds. We do not talk. Not only about deep meaningful things, but barely even small talk anymore. We do our own thing on the weekends. We hang out in separate rooms during the week. We are cordial and respectful of each other, but we are two ships passing in the night and have become complete strangers. Neither of us are cheating, and yes I am 1,000% sure.
> 
> ...


You have invested a great deal into your relationship and into your marriage. You really have.

Your husband... well... let's represent this by the use of infographics:-

Here is how I see you:-









Here is how I see your husband:-









You are young. Young enough to be happy by yourself or with a new man. With a husband. A real husband!

Why settle for lazy when you can get something better for yourself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> You have a parent/child relationship. It won’t work. Get off the fence and get out. You’re prolonging everything by self-medicating. Stop feeling responsible for his welfare & happiness. He’s a grown man. Put yourself first and stop enabling him in being a slacker.
> 
> Make plans to move forward and focus on the plan. Tell yourself to only drink when you feel good and positive. If you’re already swimming in hurt & anger, alcohol will only make it worse and take away your power. You already know what you need to do. All paths forward start with one step.
> 
> ...


They don't have a parent/child relationship.

What they have is a worker/shirker relationship. And in my opinion that is worse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FalCod said:


> It's "wits' end". I believe it is an old biblical phrase from back when "wit" meant knowledge and it signified that a person is at the end of their ability to solve their problems with reason and was at the point where they needed to rely on faith.
> 
> Sounds like you have two problems - the bad marriage and the boozing. It's tough to tackle them both at the same time and dangerous to do one without the other. I'm far from an expert on either, but if it were me, I'd address the alcoholism first. I don't think you want to go through a divorce while also struggling with a drug addiction. That smells like a recipe for disaster.
> 
> Maybe while you are getting clean and sober you can also lay down some "these things need to change if we are going to stay married" guidelines. When he fails to follow them (and he sounds like the type that won't), you can dump him in good conscience and get on with your life. Good luck.


*Moderator Notice:* When we want grammar/spelling/typo police, we'll put a notice up on the board.


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