# business trips



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

My husband is going on another business trip. I have no evidence of him cheating, except he does tell me few details and usually goes out for dinner or drinks with his male co-workers. I'm just bothered that he is staying at a resort this time to go for a one night two day kind of trip near a beach and resort. He says he has to go for a meeting at a military base but when I looked it up it said it was 40 minutes away. I just can't stand it anymore. Every time he goes out of town he ends up having little vacations all the time at a national park, mall, or some kind of venue. Like I said I have no real evidence of any affair, but I feel like I'm being cheated or lied to. I have to add that last year on valentines day he went out of his way to pick up "Dan" from his hair cut at the mall to go out to dinner for sushi. I told him this is so unprofessional and asked why he always has to dine and entertain with his co-workers on travel and he said because there is nothing else to do. Am I just being insecure? Is this the norm for "business trips?" Please let me know because I am getting really irritated at it all.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It seems fairly normal to me, and I'm pretty paranoid. When he gets home, maybe take a peek at his phone apps when he's out of the room. If you see Kik or Tinder or Snapchat listed on there, THEN you might have a reason to worry. But so far, just with what you've said, I don't see anything fishy.

From one woman with a broken intuition to another, I hope you feel better soon.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, on the surface this is so selfish...little doubt.

It is also smart on his part. He is getting to "see" and enjoy great places on the company dime. Or do these trips come out of his [yours too] pocket.

Is it Dan or Danielle?

He sure seems to enjoy time with his male pals. That is normal, if not overdone [it sounds like it].

That is normal unless he is bi-sexual. Need more info.

Does he take you on great trips also?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, I don't know about your husband's business or what the true nature of these trips are. I used to have an office job with a lot of travel, sometimes solo but frequently with coworkers.

The #1 rule he should have learned early on was to never tell you about any of the fun stuff on a business trip. Why? Because it begins to sound a lot like a vacation! It may just be a couple hours of sight seeing, or a nice meal at a really interesting place. But there is real business being done, usually involving longer hours than if he were at home. Many times the fancy meals are really business meals, so while they are impressive meals at expensive restaurants, there is a good measure of work involved.

For a lot of people, the company credit card means getting to enjoy things you can't really afford if you were paying for it yourself. Going out with coworkers can be a fun time, especially when it is going on the expense report. Travel can be a nice perk of the job. Staying at a cool hotel is a nice bonus, and driving a few extra miles to the work site may be a minor price to pay.

None of this is related to cheating. While some people see business trips as a very low risk of discovery for cheating, my observation is that people are no different on the road than they are at home. If they are cheaters, they'll do it at home too, not just on the road. Just the fact one travels for work does not make them more likely to cheat. But it does make it more likely they will have marital problems due to being away from home.

Now there is always the question of how all of this fits into how he is within the marriage. Going out with a buddy on Valentine's Day sounds like he is not paying attention to you. If he is living it up with all his friends but ignoring you, then there is a marriage problem. Is it possible you are feeling distance in the marriage and then assuming it is because he is cheating? Usually unless there are specific warning signs of cheating I would say to work on the marriage and don't get worried about cheating. Once red flags pop up that he may be cheating then you can start looking at that possibility.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I say go with your gut. Usually when persons in relationships start getting suspicious about their partner out of nowhere, their suspicion is either true or close to the truth. Unless they are the jealous/paranoid type then it probably isn't true at all. Do you have a history of suspecting your partner(s) is being unfaithful? Suspicions that were unfounded.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't see anything wrong with site seeing, or having some casual down time with his coworkers. If he works hard, you should want him to enjoy a little of the trip. But, it sounds like this is more than just that, and if you feel he could be hiding something or lying, then maybe check phone bills, etc. That's kind of strange that he'd rather pick up a coworker for sushi than spend time with you though on Valentine's day.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I am somewhat in agreement with @Thor meaning that I go on two business trips each year: one to our annual team meeting and one to our annual conference (we put on the conference, we don't "attend"). At both meetings I am put up in literally a luxury hotel/resort. At both meetings I have to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with co-workers because that's when we plan. At both meetings, we usually eat at the hotel restaurants, but our boss always gives us one "night out" together at a fancy place on the company card. We dress up and go out, but we talk business. We work from 8am to 6pm, and then usually have computer work to do in our rooms after hours. But we also have times when we could have a break, and sometimes we'll go look at the city we're in...as an example, we were in Baltimore one year and I had never been in that city before, so I went to a local eatery the last day and to a museum. Sometimes I'll arrive the day before or leave one day later just so I have time to relax or see a site such as the Fort Worth cattle drive at the stockyards (which is right downtown about 3 blocks from the hotel). 

So nope, I do NOT cheat on those trips. I pretty much live on Skype with Dear Hubby! But I also do go out to eat with co-workers, I do stay at fancy places, and I do sometimes get to see a sight or two. It may "sound" like a vacation, but the hotel is just where the event is occurring or where they put me up--and after a long day's work I'm glad to have somewhere fairly nice to come back to! And likewise all the eating out and even having the occasional drink or beer is not "nice going out like a date"--shoot I'd much rather be back in the room in a bathtub on the Skype with Hubby!! But for work reasons, I have to eat, I have to join the team for planning for the next day...and even at home I occasionally will have a beer to relax. 

I think part of your suspicions may be ungrounded due to not understanding what business trips are like. It may sound wonderful but it's not all wine and roses to eat hotel food and work until 9pm. But the part I think that throws a red flag for you is that he doesn't SHARE IT with you--it's like you're excluded. When I go, I tell Dear Hubby every detail about my schedule, if the schedule changes, who I'll be with, what I'll be doing and if there's a change--I keep him updated. AND I Skype him a LOT so he knows I want him included in whatever I'm doing. Thankfully, this year, I brought him along on the annual conference, and WE did stuff together! Maybe that's the part that's triggering you: feeling EXCLUDED.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm willing to bet that "Dan" - the Valentine's Day 'sushi dinner buddy' that he went to great lengths to meet up with - is short for "Danielle."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note*

Due to the fact that you had posted the same topic in two different locations at TAM, your thread has been merged.

If, and hopefully you do not, you find evidence that your husband might be cheating your thread could then be moved to CWI.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

The Valentine's day thing is no good. I have seen it actually happen several times where a guy spent valentine's with his wife and made some excuse to see the girlfriend later. For real. Exact example. It may not be the case for you but it's not good. Also he careful checking phones without permission.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

Picking up a male colleague for dinner on Valentine's Day seems odd, but I'm assuming you mean while they were both on a mandatory trip.

Staying 40 minutes away from a meeting seems odd, unless it's instead convenient to the airport. Are you sure that's accurate? Most resorts and hotels have conference rooms available for hourly or daily use and it's not uncommon for the host organization to choose one more desirable or convenient to the out-of-town visitors than, say, a military base.

With that said, I travel for business about eight times a year. Events are often held at resorts or casinos. I am sucked into business dinners most evenings and those routinely last 3-4 hours. Hanging out at the hotel bar after a long day at the conference to network is normal. If you can get out to visit a local point of interest to break it up, you're really just preserving your own sanity. It's very typical for colleagues to meet up with like-minded colleagues to hike or something.

It sounds like a vacation, but it isn't. Even when a conference I attended closed down a theme park for a late night social event for the attendees, it's not quite the same to go on a rollercoaster with a sales guy trying to talk you into helping him schedule a meeting with your boss.

This is hard to relate to from the other side, and I can understand that. I do bring my LTR along when possible, but it's often extremely boring for her since I have almost zero availability other than coffee in the morning and it turns into an added worry to make sure she doesn't feel neglected.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

I've been on plenty of business trips and had many meals out. But at the same time, I try and make sure to invite my wife on a few of those too. Also, we try and go on a trip just me and her a few times a year. I also make sure my wife meets all of my coworkers. One of my coworkers is female, and we work together as a team. We take turns carpooling and have lunch together every day. I can honestly say she is one of my best friends. We go to dinner with her and her husband a few times a year, and I make it a point to go out with just her husband once in a while too. My wife has no issue with it at all.

On the other hand, I do have friends that we have known for 10 years, and my wife gets very upset if I don't tell her I saw "Jessica." My wife says that there is just something about her that she does not trust. Jessica is super friendly and outgoing, not my type, plus her husband is a friend of mine. Never in a million years do I think we would even have the slightest chance to "hook up" but that's girls for ya. I might post this on the forum for advice.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I travel 1-2x/mo
Phone home every night--chat for 10-60 min depending on how much wife has to say

I try to see/do as much as I can wherever I go with whatever free time I have. Tell my wife all about it. Then, if it's a cool locale, we might go there together on vacation and I already know the lay of the land. She understandably gets a little jealous sometimes, but understands the benefits both to my career and to her leisure. 

Plus, whatever time I spend seeing the sights would be time I couldn't be either running around with someone else or even sitting in my hotel room surfing porn. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, and my innate drive to always be active is inherent reassurance (not that any is necessary in my case, but its still nice).

On trips where I can drive, I bring my Mountain bike and explore the local trails after work. If I can't bring the bike, I hit the gym. This also keeps me busy and maintains fitness while on the road.

Bottom line: feeling left out is natural, but shouldn't automatically lead to concerns about cheating.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bbrad said:


> On the other hand, I do have friends that we have known for 10 years, and my wife gets very upset if I don't tell her I saw "Jessica." My wife says that there is just something about her that she does not trust. Jessica is super friendly and outgoing, not my type, plus her husband is a friend of mine. *Never in a million years do I think we would even have the slightest chance to "hook up" *but that's girls for ya. I might post this on the forum for advice.


So if you did have the chance, you would hook up with Jessica? Men get themselves into trouble a lot with innocent comments like the above, lol. A far better choice of words to your wife would be "Never in a million years would I ever hook up with Jessica" or "Wife, never in a million years would I cheat on you, I love you madly".

OP - I honestly can't see anything in your post that suggests your hubby is cheating. My hubby goes on business trips sometimes, and they all go out for dinner together, lunch too I would assume. Men and women. They go out for dinner and then back to their rooms, at least hubby does. He skypes me each night, unless he's there on a Friday night and they go out for drinks and stay out late - I don't begrudge him letting his hair down after a long week


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is if possible for you to go on these trips with him, especially if it is only one night? My husband and I both go on all of each other's business trips.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Thanks so much for all the insight of business trips. I do believe that I feel left out and a little jealous even that he didn't try to include me on a one day trip near the beach. With all the details he shares with me it sounds like I shouldn't worry unless he is bi and has not told me about that yet! I have asked him and he says no, but he is very close to his buddies. I try and check our phone records and I'm pretty savy at navigating his phone or computer too once in a while, and have found nothing but porn hub a couple times. He is tech savy so he could also cover his tracks pretty well, although if I haven't found anything real yet, maybe theres nothing. He was out of town for valentines but we celebrated before he left I just wish he had more respect and boundaries played sick or something instead of making an effort to go out that evening. Skype date in the bath with me would have been more appropriate I think! In the past if I felt cheated or had a hunch about the relationship or partner, it was usually because feelings were not mutual anymore or something was stirring, and I get those feelings here and there in my marriage. It's different when married and adulating then when I was younger and more carefree.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

frusdil said:


> So if you did have the chance, you would hook up with Jessica? Men get themselves into trouble a lot with innocent comments like the above, lol. A far better choice of words to your wife would be "Never in a million years would I ever hook up with Jessica" or "Wife, never in a million years would I cheat on you, I love you madly".
> 
> OP - I honestly can't see anything in your post that suggests your hubby is cheating. My hubby goes on business trips sometimes, and they all go out for dinner together, lunch too I would assume. Men and women. They go out for dinner and then back to their rooms, at least hubby does. He skypes me each night, unless he's there on a Friday night and they go out for drinks and stay out late - I don't begrudge him letting his hair down after a long week


You are right, never in a million years would I THINK about hooking up with Jessica...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bell said:


> My husband is going on another business trip. I have no evidence of him cheating, except he does tell me few details and usually goes out for dinner or drinks with his male co-workers. I'm just bothered that he is staying at a resort this time to go for a one night two day kind of trip near a beach and resort. He says he has to go for a meeting at a military base but when I looked it up it said it was 40 minutes away. I just can't stand it anymore. Every time he goes out of town he ends up having little vacations all the time at a national park, mall, or some kind of venue. Like I said I have no real evidence of any affair, but I feel like I'm being cheated or lied to. I have to add that last year on valentines day he went out of his way to pick up "Dan" from his hair cut at the mall to go out to dinner for sushi. I told him this is so unprofessional and asked why he always has to dine and entertain with his co-workers on travel and he said because there is nothing else to do. Am I just being insecure? Is this the norm for "business trips?" Please let me know because I am getting really irritated at it all.


How about you suggest that being that he always turns it into a small vacation, that you can go with him the next few times, and enjoy some time away together. See what his reaction is. He claims he is bored and has nothing to do there, so surely he will welcome your suggestion.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> How about you suggest that being that he always turns it into a small vacation, that you can go with him the next few times, and enjoy some time away together. See what his reaction is. He claims he is bored and has nothing to do there, so surely he will welcome your suggestion.


Now that my kids are grown, my wife and I do exactly this. Of course, she knows she's on her own during the workday and I can only be with her as long as the job allows, but she's good with that. And we have some wonderful evenings together in places new to us. So, in the end, she benefits from the travel often more than I do as she truly "gets away" while I'm really just getting to work in a different place. But it really helps put some new life and new options into date nights and we genuinely enjoy the evenings together. 

I even try to schedule my trips (client availability permitting, of course) when I know she has no other commitments to make sure she can go. I always compare schedules before booking travel/lodging. 

Of course, this is presuming there are no kiddos in the house. Although we did manage it a few times when we lived in close proximity to grandparents who were capable/competent/willing to take the kids for a few days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Now that my kids are grown, my wife and I do exactly this. Of course, she knows she's on her own during the workday and I can only be with her as long as the job allows, but she's good with that. And we have some wonderful evenings together in places new to us. So, in the end, she benefits from the travel often more than I do as she truly "gets away" while I'm really just getting to work in a different place. But it really helps put some new life and new options into date nights and we genuinely enjoy the evenings together.
> 
> I even try to schedule my trips (client availability permitting, of course) when I know she has no other commitments to make sure she can go. I always compare schedules before booking travel/lodging.
> 
> Of course, this is presuming there are no kiddos in the house. Although we did manage it a few times when we lived in close proximity to grandparents who were capable/competent/willing to take the kids for a few days.


Great idea. We did the same a few times when my husband had to go to meetings elsewhere.


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