# Affair HELP



## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

My husband had recently come into a lot of mental health issues. severe depression and anxiety he tried to commit suicide recently. 
After therapy on Saturday he came home to tell me he had an affair and I needed to save him. Shortly after his ex gf messages me to inform me that shes "sorry" and if I have any questions she will answer them. I ask her how long. she said 7 months. I asked if they had a plan and they planned to wait 10 years until our and her children are older to be together. she said she ended it last week because the stress was too much. she asked if I wanted the emails. I said yes.. it outlined in great DETAIL of the whole relationship I assume it was partly vengeful on her behalf to send all the screenshots and emails. She broke up with him and moved away to another country. I picked up the pieces after she left and we started dating, got married and now have 2 young kids 1.5 and 5 years old. 
he told her in an email that he never got over her that hes been creeping her for years that all hes done is creep her on facebook to look at her photos and think about her. for so long that he shouldn't have "this" life that he shouldn't have children that its been that long. (ouch!) that evening she told me her and him have been having an "emotional affair" for years. that its ALWAYS been her she then sent emails from 2010 of him saying he wish he could go back in time and be with her to follow her moves stay with her (when we first married) . she ended it with him and they have no further contact I had him change his phone number and delete his email account. she was vengeful and mean she told me its always been her and to enjoy reading how obsessed my husband has always been with her how he regret his life with me and how hes in it for the kids. He said he loves me and needs me that he gave her up. shes mean and he needs to get better wants to watch our kids grow up, mentally hes in such a bad place. how do I move forward? how do I forget the details.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

This has to be incredibly hurtful to you. But why do you focus on her? It doesn't matter that she is vengeful. The only thing that matters is your husband is a cheating POS. Focusing on her is only to help you avoid dealing with the reality of your situation and avoid having to make the hard decisions. That's called the Scarlett O'Hara Effect - to procrastinate and deflect having to deal with the problem at hand. Stop trying to fool your mind into thinking SHE is your problem and deal with HIM like you know you should be doing. I know it's easier to get mad at her, but she's not your husband and she owes you no vow of loyalty. Cry a little, get mad a little, and then do what you need to do. That cheating jerk will never change. He's crying on your shoulders to guilt you into letting him get away with this for the ENTIRE DURATION OF YOUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP, even before you got married. You were crazy to forgive him in the first place and even crazier to marry him after he cheated the first time. He will never, ever change. The minute this blows over, he will be contacting her again. Either her or he will soon make sure he finds somebody else. See him for who he really is - someone you should never have let into your life and someone you need to kick out of your life in the next 5 minutes. Pack his crap and throw it out the door and tell him to follow behind his garbage bags.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It sounds as if his affair partner is trying to "prove" that she is good and worthwhile person because she is "better" than you and can "win the game" by taking away your husband. This is frequently a reason for people to engage in adultery.

It's really unfortunate that she is doing this, because it will never get her what she wants. She will always look upon herself as deficient and inadequate because she had to "steal" a man in order to get one. This is a serious mental fixation which is driving her behavior. She is pitiful, indeed.

I'm going to hazard a guess that many of these "details" she is self-aggrandizing with are lies and exaggerations from her own mind.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing about men few will admit to. When a chick ditches the guy, the guy is typically on a slow burn about it and envisions a chance to win her back, usually temporarily, just to prove he's got what it takes. When a woman is ditched, she cries to herself, cries and complains to her friends, has a few drinks and weeks or days later, the guy is less and less of a memory, and she's actively looking for a replacement. Men on the other hand, are depressed for months, giving up hobbies, contemplating suicide, and months later arrested for violating a court "stay away" order and stalking. Even on this site, when a man is ditched, the advice is individual counseling, and waiting months or years to start dating so they can get their head straight. Oftentimes, the ditched chick has remarried, carrying a new baby, and wishing her ex old man would have left much earlier and sorry she ever met him in the first place; on the rare occasions he crosses her mind.

The crap he was selling her about waiting ten years for the kids was a ploy to keep her on the hook for as long as possible. Your old man let his attempt to regain his lost ego overload his azz and it drove him crazy. It ain't your fault me lady. He's trying to prove to himself he had the savoir faire and finesse to re-capture the puzzy that walked away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband needs proper psychiatric intervention, perhaps hospitalisation.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

unfortunately all the "details" were screen shots and emails....


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. He definitely needs psychiatric help.

You need counseling, too. Learning that your husband never really loved you has to be totally devastating to you. I can't imagine the blow it is to you. Unimaginable. 

You need to take care of you. Your children are the most important part of all this mess, yes, but you are very important. You must take good care of you.

Do not sacrifice you for him. He is scum. He has almost certainly lied to you since you met, and worst of all he has not loved you, not even for a little while. Take care of you.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

She is also in a relationship with 2 young children. and in the "screenshots" and "emails" she is telling him to stay with me until their kids are older. and when I caught him with teethmarks on his chest he lied and told me a story about him having to take wholesalers out to a stripclub. he told me the stripper must have bit him. however she had that whole conversation of his version to her about what he told me about how he might lose the kids and she tells him to fix it with me to lie and she will stop talking to him because she doesn't want me to leave him. 
She has a family too. she has two young children they both stated multiple times they needed to wait 10 years. neither wanted to miss seeing their kids grow up. they even joke how 4 kids is too much for both of them to handle.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Don't get mad at her. It was your pos husband that hurt you. Cut him lose and don't forget the popcorn for the show. His mental health problems are no longer your concern at all and you owe him no loyalty.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

she did not tell me about the "emotional affair" while she was in a another country until days later. she told me she didn't want to destroy my life of me knowing its always been her. but because I was "rude" to her she decided to send them. in the email from 2010 (after we were married) he stated he made a mistake its always been her how he misses her. in 2009 he emailed her about how hes thinking of her and he misses her and in 2008 about how when he graduates for him to move to the other country to be with her. all of those years we were together. those were the 3 emails she sent. she also stated that they've always been in contact except 2011. (when she was pregnant) she offered me the login details to her email so I could read the "hundreds" of emails between them. either to be vengeful or mean. but I have to believe they exsist since she was hoping I would take the info. they started the physical affair in September 2017 and it ended last Saturday when he told me he had an affair. I don't believe he expected her to message me with the details. She moved away in 2007 she broke his heart. and they've been in contact ever since.....nothing physical until September because she didn't live here. she moved back last year. she hadn't been back since leaving in 2007


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, no matter her reasoning.

A couple things.

There is plenty of anger to go around. Spread plenty on her and your soon to be ex husband.

It is good to know the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I think so, anyway. 

I know from dealing with my wife that not everyone thinks the same way about truth as I do, or did, or whatever, but I do think it's better to know than go on living in ignorance.

Right now you hurt so much, so raw. Devastation.

You will heal. Slowly.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

If i choose to stay is it possible for him to be over her? Realistically? Save our family? If they have no contact. Hes changed his phone number deleted his email account. Is that crazy?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

annemarie said:


> If i choose to stay is it possible for him to be over her? Realistically? Save our family? If they have no contact. Hes changed his phone number deleted his email account. Is that crazy?


You're not listening to us. Stop trying to figure out a way to avoid having to deal with this.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

I am trying. He is in therapy. Thats why he told me about the affair. Right after therapy. The last email he sent her was "i told her about the affir. I couldnt live with myself. Feel free to message her if you dont believe me. I cant. Im done. Live your life forget about me. My life is ruined Because i told the truth i asked my wife to "save me"."


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

annemarie said:


> If i choose to stay is it possible for him to be over her? Realistically? Save our family? If they have no contact. Hes changed his phone number deleted his email account. Is that crazy?


Your husband is not trustworthy and he never will be. People like your husband don't change. He has lived a life of betrayal. Seriously, even if this OW is who he truly loves, then he's been betraying her as well and she has been betraying him in addition to the obvious betrayal of both you and the man she is with. They are some seriously messed up foolish people. That kind of dysfunction doesn't change except through huge upheaval and work, which people who are so dysfunctional don't have the character or focus to achieve.

Make a plan and leave this man. He is not on your side and he wants you to save him, when it's his responsibility to clean up his own mess. You can't save him. Not only is it not your job, but it's impossible for you to do the internal work that he needs to do within himself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he can get over her and maybe he can't. At this point, he may not even know. 

If you want to invest the time and energy to rebuild your marriage, he needs to be putting as much (or more) into the effort as you do. If he doesn't, you have your answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annemarie said:


> I am trying. He is in therapy. Thats why he told me about the affair. Right after therapy. The last email he sent her was "i told her about the affir. I couldnt live with myself. Feel free to message her if you dont believe me. I cant. Im done. Live your life forget about me. My life is ruined Because i told the truth i asked my wife to "save me"."


Does your husband say that he loves you or that he has ever loved you?

The other woman seems to be acting like a narcissists. To her, this is all about HER. That's why she is going after you and providing you with all the details. Because she wants to live in your head and your husband's head. She is probably attracted to your husband more because he wants her, then because she wants him. She wants the adoration.

You need to stop giving her space in your head. A lot of people make the mistake of spending a lot of energy being angry at the affair partner. Think of her like a cockroach. That's all she is, a sick, infested pest that is trying to destroy your life. If she ever contacts you alone, just tell her to leave you alone and go away. Treat her like the dirt that she is.

Focus on yourself and your husband. He's the one who has hurt you. He has to fix himself and prove to you that he can be trusted and that he can love you.

Give this a time limit... say 6 months. If he has not gotten over her and is not solidly working on your relationship, the it's time for divorce. You are not responsible for saving him. That's his job.

Take a deep look at him. First he puts the responsibility of his infatuation with her on her... he is such a victim that he cannot help himself. And now he wants to put his salvation on you... you need to save him. Nope, this is all him. He's responsible.

How do you get over all the details that you now know because of the emails, etc.? It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair. You need to turn a lot of your focus on yourself and caring for yourself. Because right now, clearly your husband is not caring much about you. He's too busy crying about what a poor victim he is.

What do YOU need? What does he have to do to prove to you that he can be trusted and that he loves you so deeply that the struggle with marital recover is worth your effort. And you need to tell him what that is and tell him that he needs to save his own self.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

annemarie said:


> If i choose to stay is it possible for him to be over her? Realistically? Save our family? If they have no contact. Hes changed his phone number deleted his email account. Is that crazy?


No one can know. Certainly no one here can know.

To me it sounds as if his suicide attempt was more because of his issues with his feelings for her than his feelings for you. 

I am no professional, and I do not know him at all.

But it is my opinion, and this is only an opinion, his attempted suicide was driven by his unmet desire, and his belief his need cannot be met. My opinion is he attempted suicide because she rejected him.

Get to a psychiatrist. Please. 

I just really doubt your husband attempted suicide because he feels guilty over the affair. 

I suspect he attempted suicide because the love of his life told him to go jump off a bridge. She just hasn't told you that part yet.

And your husband isn't going to ever tell you the truth.

That's my opinion.

Now, the following is not opinion. This is fact.

If your husband commits suicide it is not your fault! You must not be a hostage to his mental health.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

Thank you everyone! I feel these responses are very helpful.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

I will be going to therapy i just wanted to get some opinions first. Know if i could be blaming the mental health issues on her. She constantly ended things drove him crazy. She broke up with him and he had a crazy mental breakdown crying on the bathroom floor thats how i knew he had mental issues in february. But just found out about the affair last week and wondering hoe much of it could be related


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Be well. Take care of your children and yourself.

And do what you need to do. But I hope you chose to get free and find someone who loves you.

You do deserve it.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

Thank you


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

annemarie said:


> I am trying. He is in therapy. Thats why he told me about the affair. Right after therapy. The last email he sent her was "i told her about the affir. I couldnt live with myself. Feel free to message her if you dont believe me. I cant. Im done. Live your life forget about me. My life is ruined Because i told the truth i asked my wife to "save me"."


How dare he ask you to save him. The reason why he is in this state is because of his constant cheating. The guilt and lies and deception can make someone depressed but it didn't stop him cheating did it.
It sounds as if he is being very manipulative, even suicide threats are used by some as a way of getting those around them to do what they want. I have had experience of that. 

I could not remain with a man who clearly cares nothing for me and is obsessed with another woman. A man who thinks nothing of lying and deceiving me for years and then expects ME to fix HIM???? However I think he will manipulative you to stay with him with threats.


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

Wow, firstly I'm surprised that either of them admitted to the affair. Secondly, if she dumped him, the only reason he might be telling you is to try and win you back but if she wants him back then he might have a change of heart so be careful. Just because they are being upfront now doesn't excuse the fact they they were having a relationship for seven months.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

She dumped him constatly in her messages she sent me he wrote 
"You end it everyday and crush my heart i have to beg you every ****ing day" 

He told me after therapy as he was/is going through a total mental breakdown. He hasnt been able to leave the house for days just crying in his room on the floor. 

He told me he didnt mean anything he told her and he loves me and wants our family back and is willing to do therapy ect anything to keep us. 

She sent me the messages and i dont know what to believe. He told her we had a terrible marriage and he slept on the couch. 

Its more the emails she sent me from 2010,2009 and 2008 about it ALWAYS being her. He said he will never speak to her and get the help he needs and repair his life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry to say, he is crying about losing HER. He had been rejected by the love of his life-her. You are plan B. I feel horrible for saying that. But it's about her, not you.

You are not responsible for his mental health. He's got some balls asking you to save him. He should be doing all the heavy lifting to save your marriage. Not the other way around.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

annemarie said:


> If i choose to stay is it possible for him to be over her? Realistically? Save our family? If they have no contact. Hes changed his phone number deleted his email account. Is that crazy?


The problem though is this is a core character issue. They are both pretty much crappy people with bad character. 

It is not that she is prettier and nicer and sexier than you. It is not that they have easy phone access to each other. It is not that they both share a love for 17th century French literature together -

- it is that they suck. 

It is a character flaw that he has and will continue to have whether they have different phone numbers and deleted email accounts. 

You can play marriage police and keep him locked up in the basement, but his character flaws and failings as a human being will still manifest. 

He will likely cheat again with a different woman(s) at various points and will have mental and emotional problems because it is part of his character and persona. 

Those aren't things you fix by blocking phone numbers and deleting email accounts.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, save yourself & your children. See a psychologist for yourself to get your mind in the right direction. As one poster said, "You are plan, B". Your husband & his mistress are the worst selfish people that you can imagine. This drama will continue on & on. Leave this toxic relationship as soon as you can. You don't want to be drowned in this whirlpool of deceit. Your husband never loved you as you deserve. So very sorry that you are here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would ask him to move out for 6 months and get himself sorted out and you will make your decision then. See what happens but don't let him use this emotional manipulation on you. This crying on the floor stuff is pure manipulation. I bet if you and the children went away for a few days he wouldn't cry at all.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

Im having a hard time. Hes the father of our two small children hes soo mentally ill. I need to save him for the kids his therapist called to tell me he tried to kill himself.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

annemarie said:


> Im having a hard time. Hes the father of our two small children hes soo mentally ill. I need to save him for the kids his therapist called to tell me he tried to kill himself.


At this point, he needs more than therapy. He needs professional, medical help. You can't 'save' him all by yourself. It's not your job. You can work with him, sure, but he has to be willing to work on his own issues himself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can't save him. He needs to save himself by committing to therapy and rebuilding himself as a man of integrity. Only when he's put in the work to do this should you even consider staying with him.

Look at what he's done - he's seen you as the consolation prize for years and has kept her as his numero uno in his heart. And now he's been sleeping with her as a married family man.

He's ****ed it up and he knows it. He's treated you horribly and now wants you to fix his mess.

It doesn't work like that. Take a deep breath, put on your big girl panties and tell him that he must now work to earn your respect and love after how he has treated you and your marriage.

If it were me, I wouldn't want to live with that doubt and anxiety about what he is really feeling and doing. I think I would just call it a day. People are different, though, and you sound like you want to give him a chance. If so, make him take care of himself. Therapy now. Talk of reconciliation later.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

annemarie said:


> Im having a hard time. Hes the father of our two small children hes soo mentally ill. I need to save him for the kids his therapist called to tell me he tried to kill himself.


 You CAN"T save him. Only he can save him. Quit kidding yourself and find the anger you should be feeling against him. You need to divorce him FOR your kids, not stay with him because of your kids. 

On a different note, I would have accepted the other woman's email login from her and sent crazy messages all over the place. Make her look like the lunatic she is.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

Fair. 

She hasnt tried to contact him since. 
Its hard to hate her when in the messages she was trying to help him. She threatened to tell "his wife" if he said he would kill himself. She threatned to phone his mom. she talked him down the day he was going to kill himself before our son came home from school. She ended it constantly and begged him to tell his wife about how bad the mental illness was. When i found the bite marks she begged him to fix it with me said she would delete all communications how regretful she was that they even did anything. 
He wrote to her she saved his life that day. Its soo hard for me to process everything


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Do you think he should be in a residential facility to provide 24/7 mental health help? This is far bigger than your layperson knowledge. You are not trained or equipped for this sort of thing. This is too big a burden for him to lay at your feet. He needs an expert's help if he is continually on the floor crying.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

annemarie said:


> Fair.
> 
> She hasnt tried to contact him since.
> Its hard to hate her when in the messages she was trying to help him. She threatened to tell "his wife" if he said he would kill himself. She threatned to phone his mom. she talked him down the day he was going to kill himself before our son came home from school. She ended it constantly and begged him to tell his wife about how bad the mental illness was. When i found the bite marks she begged him to fix it with me said she would delete all communications how regretful she was that they even did anything.
> He wrote to her she saved his life that day. Its soo hard for me to process everything


So is he crying because he hurt you or because he lost her? This is way above what you can handle. He needs professional help. Admit him into a mental health facility if you have to. He _really_ needs to get himself together first before you can even entertain any idea of reconciliation. You can try to help him, but he can only save himself.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

He's crying over me he said he hates himself for the affair he will never contact her again and he just needs to get mental help. which he is in therapy 3 days a week now trying to get himself better. 
its hard for me not to think about the things he said to her. but at the same time he said he would only tell her what she wanted to hear. but its hard to believe when there were soo many messages. soo many emails of him begging her. and the emails from 2010 there were no emails in between.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

annemarie said:


> He's crying over me he said he hates himself for the affair he will never contact her again and he just needs to get mental help. which he is in therapy 3 days a week now trying to get himself better.
> its hard for me not to think about the things he said to her. but at the same time he said he would only tell her what she wanted to hear. but its hard to believe when there were soo many messages. soo many emails of him begging her. and the emails from 2010 there were no emails in between.


Take everything he says with a grain of salt.
He could have a new email in 10 mins.
I don't want to hurt you anymore, but his selfishness is very likely to never change.
You will second guess everything he's doing on his phone for years. It will drive you crazy.
My wife has serious mental issues as well, but with all the help in the world nothing would stop her from cheating again.
I would advice you to read "In Sheep's Clothing" - Book by George K. Simon
After 25 years i'm cutting the cord. I hope you find happiness. 
You can always PM me if you like.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

thank you


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

I appreciate the responses from everyone


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

annemarie said:


> I will be going to therapy i just wanted to get some opinions first. Know if i could be blaming the mental health issues on her. She constantly ended things drove him crazy. She broke up with him and he had a crazy mental breakdown crying on the bathroom floor thats how i knew he had mental issues in february. But just found out about the affair last week and wondering hoe much of it could be related



You have to handle yourself with respect and poise and let your WH go. Take care of your self and your children. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are, consider asking him to move out. He is a liar and a cheat and you are worth so much more.
Let him get the mental health help he needs but he has lost the right to have you support him when he cheated with the OW, he is not your responsibility anymore. There should be no reconciliation until he shapes up. I do not believe that he is remorseful, he regrets that she dumped him, that is all. You are the back up plan, the one to pick up the pieces. You should refuse to take on that role, tell him, he made his bed and can deal with it accordingly.

Read Love must be Tough by Dr James Dobson. Let your WH see that you do not need him and you are not going to play the pick me dance with him. If he is having a breakdown over another woman, that is his problem, and he has treated you terribly. He does not deserve you. 
Be independent from him, convey that you are drawing the boundaries he cannot step over.
You can do this.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Does her husband know? If he doesn’t he needs to know. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jewels465 said:


> Does her husband know? If he doesn’t he needs to know.


Yes, and everybody else, too, except minor children. Affairs don't usually last very long when they are exposed.
The support system will act to reinforce the idea that extramarital chicanery won't be tolerated.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

annemarie said:


> Im having a hard time. Hes the father of our two small children hes soo mentally ill. I need to save him for the kids his therapist called to tell me he tried to kill himself.


I don't mean to hurt you any more but you seem to keep missing this point - He had the breakdown after she broke up with him. He tries to kill himself because she broke up with him. That says to me he does not want to live without her. Where exactly do you fit in this picture?

You can't save him - only he can save himself.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

well she said his breakdown was from her. she knew the day it happened she said it was because she ended it. He says he confessed because he couldn't live like that anymore which makes me thinks he knows it was a mistake.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

I cant trust her. I feel weak, I want to stay a family. 
I checked his messages and they are no longer talking.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

annemarie said:


> I cant trust her. I feel weak, I want to stay a family.
> I checked his messages and they are no longer talking.


Listen, you have gotten some good advice. Some of it you don't want to hear yet, but you need to keep reading it. 

Some of the stuff you need to understand, an I have quite of experience with mental illness.

First, understand that while he may have some mental issues, depression, bi-polar, whatever... but the reason he had a breakdown is because his affair ended. That is the only reason. 

Now, wouldn't it have been great if, like a grown adult should, he realized the he was sick, and sought out medical help so that he could be a better man, a better husband, a better father??? That might have been a goof idea. 

But no, he chose to self medicate with and affair, to placate his demons with adulation from another woman. And on line woman at that, which frankly is kind of weird but I know it happens. Where do you think his priorities lie...

I want you to really try and understand what I am fixing to write: 

I spent 26 years (one half of my life) trying to take care of my Ex W who was mentally ill. Bi-polar, BPD, whatever. She had 2 affairs, she faked illnesses, she lied constantly, and come to find out, all of this was exacerbated by the fact that she was a (hidden) drug addict.

I spent all that time taking care of her and raising my kids, because I loved her. I wanted my kids to not come form a broken home, I wanted my family to stay together. 

Nothing I did made any difference, I kept doing this until I had a stroke and finally got some clarity. I realized that I could not fix her, I couldn't even help her, I tried everything for 26 years. Finally, after my stroke I knew I was done, if I did not get away from her, get her out of my life, I might actually die. 

Is this what you want for the rest of your life. But the way, despite everything she said, you know what, she never loved me. After all that time an devotion, she never really loved me. 

Bottom line, you can't fix crazy, you just can't...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

All of this is because she broke up with him. She was his Plan A. You're his Plan B. Maybe he means some of what he's telling you and ,aye he doesn't. Time will tell -- of you want to invest more time in him. I wouldn't but you might.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

annemarie said:


> well she said his breakdown was from her. she knew the day it happened she said it was because she ended it. He says he confessed because he couldn't live like that anymore which makes me thinks he knows it was a mistake.


YOu are not getting it AM. He is broken over HER. He had a nervous breakdown over HER finishing with him. He is devastated because he is losing HER, not you!. If he has an ounce of integrity, he would have handled that without you knowing and moved on but he is pining over HER and expecting you to support him. Do not go there, do not make excuses for him.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

reading all these messages is really helping me get some clarity.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

annemarie said:


> I am trying. He is in therapy. Thats why he told me about the affair. Right after therapy. The last email he sent her was "i told her about the affir. I couldnt live with myself. Feel free to message her if you dont believe me. I cant. Im done. Live your life forget about me. My life is ruined Because i told the truth i asked my wife to "save me"."


See it’s still about him. He does not care about the devastation he caused you. Dump him and tell the OW’s betrayed H asap, he needs to know. We


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

While he may have a mental disorder, he is probably now having breakdowns because of losing his AP. It is not uncommon for cheaters to be heartbroken over the loss of their AP. 

Have no pity for him. He doesn't deserve you, a faithful wife. Leave him and let him deal with his demons alone. It is not your job to fix him. You are not his therapist.

He should be focusing on how to help YOU heal from his egregious actions for the last years, yet in his selfishness and self pity he is asking you to set your hurt aside and help him get over his GF???

Take care of yourself.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

I checked his messages and she hasn't contacted him since march 15th. and only to say "you've lied to everyone who loved you. you created your own mess I hope she forgives you because I never will. good luck. I hope mentally/physically you are okay and that you get to watch your kids grow up. Next time you think about messaging me, don't. **** you" 

so she is clearly done with him.


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## annemarie (Mar 10, 2018)

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SO AM, what are you going to do about it?

I hope you are really thinking about what you want!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband say that he loves you or that he has ever loved you?
> 
> The other woman seems to be acting like a narcissists. To her, this is all about HER. That's why she is going after you and providing you with all the details. *Because she wants to live in your head *and your husband's head. She is probably attracted to your husband more because he wants her, then because she wants him. She wants the adoration.
> 
> ...


A good, well-thought-out post. One of your 'better' ones. 
If I may say so, I do say.

*You are one of the few that offer any hope of reconciliation. 
Why is that?*

Why do you wish this to be resolved?

Is it because this betrayed wife, BW, asks for this, wants this?

Or other, else, another reason.
Pray tell. Spill it out, spell it out.

Oh, do not do any Spelling, that is my Bailiwick, My Domain.
..............................................................................

The Host had people in his head. He knows the feeling. 
I have had many discussions of this with him, he.

All those squirrels in his head, rummaging, looking for acorns, looking for kernels of truth.
Finding, gleaning, only snippets of the true-dope.

I left myself open on this, that rope-a-dope.





King Brian- not in The Host's head. I precede him by many Millennial.


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