# Jerk, or Justified?



## Bent not Broken (Mar 26, 2015)

My story goes back about a year ago. Actually, scratch that. My story goes back several years, I'll get back to what happened last year later.
About 9 years ago, I was involved in what I've seen here as an EA. My wife and I had been married at that time, for about 7 years. We had already been having issues, relating to attention, lack of sex, etc, which I was using as an excuse for my bad behavior (the EA). The woman in question was, of course, someone with whom I worked, and had made a connection with. I thought I was just filling a void that was missing in my life, and I didn't realize how bad I had screwed up, until the moment I was caught. My wife managed to get into my email by using the wonderful "Forgot Password" option, and answering a few personal questions. She found some exchanges between myself, and the other woman, which were not so innocent.
The moment I realized I had been caught, was the same moment in which I realized how bad I had screwed up, and realized how I had taken her heart, and our relationship and flushed it down the toilet. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. I thought it was all over.
She took me back. I didn't deserve it, but she took me back. 

Fast forward a few years. We had worked hard to get past what had happened. I focused on her as much as was possible, without being overbearing. She says "Jump", I ask "How High?". She works second shift, so I end up doing most of the housework, running the kids to and fro, etc. Now that's not a complaint, just pointing out that I'm not like the "stereotypical man" that most people seem to think of these days.
It was in January of last year, that I noticed something was "off". It wasn't the lack of sex, as there has been a major lack of sex for many years (See the first part of the story). Now, by lack of sex, I don't mean that I only get it 3-4 times a week, I'm talking about the fact that, if I'm lucky, it's closer to 3 times a year. Again, not complaining, just filling in the story. Now the lack of sex wasn't from lack of trying. I tried plenty. She just wasn't in the mood. Getting affectionate, even such as holding hands, a light touch, etc., usually just raised questions, and ended up just looking silly to her.
Anyways, getting back on track. I noticed something was off. She was suddenly never happy when I was around. Snapping at me for silly things, and just generally moody. She also had started going out with a girlfriend of hers that I'll call B. B was a coworker, whom I had met, that she had become good friends with. It wasn't unusual for the 2 of them, or sometimes 3 of them (another female coworker) to go to a hockey game (which she never wanted to go to with me), or out for drinks, etc. I even got roped into driving downtown one night, to give her drunk friend a ride home, with my wife driving B's car, so she didn't have to retrieve it the next day.
February, my wife was worse. Even more miserable. She now started to get a lot of texts, that she said were from B, though I wasn't allowed access to her locked cell phone.
March. I think I forgot to mention that she works second shift. So, she works second shift. I'm usually in bed when she comes home, as I need to get a few winks in, before getting up for work in the morning. Sometimes I'm still awake, sometimes I'm sleeping. One particular night, I was still awake, but in my happy spot, so I wasn't about to move when she came in. She works in scrubs, so she always comes home and changes into something comfortable for the evening, such as sweats, shorts, etc. On this particular night, I noticed that she dug out jeans, and a nice top. She went into the bathroom, changed, and left the house. Now, I knew something wasn't right, but this really sent up a red flag. A few days later, a lingerie bag showed up, and she had some thongs in it. She doesn't normally wear them, but she said she had discovered how comfortable they were. OK, red flag number 2.
I had no proof. I knew that without proof, confronting her would do nothing, but make her mad at me. I knew I needed to find out, one way, or another.
Now, it was April. The weather was finally breaking, and Easter was here. We celebrated Easter with the family at our house. Her parents came over as usual. We ate too much dinner, and we relaxed after it was all over.
Her cell phone went off. She grabbed it, and immediately started texting the sender back. There was a quick back and forth with her, and the sender. She stood up, and stated that B wanted her to go out for a couple of drinks. I knew something was up. She dressed up, put on some perfume, and went out. She had told me that she wasn't sure where they were going. Red flag number 3. 
When we were dating, we would go down by the waterfront at night, when the weather was nice. There was usually a nice breeze coming off of the water, and the area was quiet, so we could talk, and hang out. We both enjoyed going there and walking around talking. On a hunch, I decided that after she had left to hang out with B, I would take a drive down there, and see if I would run into her.
As I’m driving, I start to get nervous. I’m not sure I really want to know. It’s one thing to speculate that your SO is cheating, it’s another to have confirmation of it. I didn’t know if I could take it. At least it was a nice night out, that helped calm me a little. It was a bit cool yet, so I made sure I threw on a hoodie before I left the house.
I reached the waterfront, and see a few cars parked along the side of the road, as usual. I drive up the road, and sure enough, there’s her SUV. Holy $hit. I actually found her. My stomach starts flipping. I can’t imagine that she and B would be here, B is more of a bar type. I drive down a little ways, turn around, and park about 5 cars behind my wife. There aren’t a whole lot of people here, but it is the usual assortment. There are usually one or two people walking by themselves. There’s one guy riding by on a bike, and a couple making out by the railing. Wait. Is that? Holy $hit, that woman looks an awful lot like my wife. I sit in my car a bit longer. I don’t want to barge in on some random couple, I’m waiting for confirmation. My stomach is really doing flips now. I feel like I’m going to be sick. It’s clear that this couple is quite intimate, as they look like they are comfortable with each other. They finally come up for air, and the woman looks in my direction. It’s my wife! Confirmation. Wow..... Luckily, it was rather dark where I was parked, as I was away from a street light, or else she would have spotted my car. 
The two of them turned away from me, so I figured it would be a good time to go say hi! I got out of my car without too much noise, as I didn’t want to draw their attention to me yet. When I got out, I flipped up my hood, because I didn’t want to be spotted too soon. I walked across some grass to the cement walkway along the water, and walked over to them. I could hear them talking as I got close, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. He had his arm around her, and she was standing in close to him. I walked around the front of them, and took off my hood. I will never forget the look on her face. A cold shock of pure terror crossed her face, though the guy she was with looked confused. I looked him dead in the eye, and said to him “You must be B, because that’s who my wife told me she was out with!” He started to stutter a bit. My wife started asking me what I was doing there, to which I responded that I was catching her cheating. I told her to go f*$k herself, and that I was moving out. I popped her the double bird and left.
I don’t really remember the ride home, but I know I got there safe and sound. It was late, and I had to work the next day, so I went to bed.

Fast forward to today. I didn’t leave. She tells me that she never slept with him, but I don’t believe her. She tells me she isn’t still seeing him. I don’t believe her on that either, as she is still going out with B on a regular basis, and still keeps her cell phone private. She also is in a bowling league made up of people from her place of business, and has stated that I can’t go, because spouses aren’t allowed to attend if they aren’t employed there, even if they are not bowling. She is a bit nicer, but her behaviour outside of that isn’t any different. She tells me that she did it, because she wasn’t getting enough attention at home (which is crap). In addition to all this, I’m still kicking myself for not asking his name, and she refused to tell me his name, saying he didn’t know, though it seems that most of her coworkers know she’s married, and I’m unsure how he didn’t.
I’d really like to find proof one way or another at this point. I’m tired of not knowing and just speculating. I want to find out if she’s still cheating, or not. If I could afford a private investigator, I’d get one, but unfortunately that isn’t going to happen. Catching her the first time was just a matter of chance.
My biggest question though, is am I a jerk for being so mad at her still, being as I was the first one to look elsewhere, or am I justified?

P.S. Sorry this is so long


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Justified. She is still seeing him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bent not Broken said:


> Fast forward to today. I didn’t leave. She tells me that she never slept with him, but I don’t believe her. She tells me she isn’t still seeing him. I don’t believe her on that either, as *she is still going out with B on a regular basis, and still keeps her cell phone private. She also is in a bowling league made up of people from her place of business, and has stated that I can’t go, because spouses aren’t allowed to attend if they aren’t employed there, even if they are not bowling.* She is a bit nicer, but her behaviour outside of that isn’t any different. She tells me that she did it, because she wasn’t getting enough attention at home (which is crap). In addition to all this, I’m still kicking myself for not asking his name, and *she refused to tell me his name, saying he didn’t know, though it seems that most of her coworkers know she’s married, and I’m unsure how he didn’t.*
> I’d really like to find proof one way or another at this point. I’m tired of not knowing and just speculating. I want to find out if she’s still cheating, or not. If I could afford a private investigator, I’d get one, but unfortunately that isn’t going to happen. Catching her the first time was just a matter of chance.
> My biggest question though, is am I a jerk for being so mad at her still, being as I was the first one to look elsewhere, or am I justified?
> 
> P.S. Sorry this is so long


You don't need a PI. She's lying. They're f*cking.

And I'm sorry, but if you're buying all of the bullsh*t that she's selling you, then you're pretty broken.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You did everything right at the beginning. Then you started listening to her gaslighting you.

From here on out, your only response to her should be: "Wife, we have nothing more to talk about while you are still dating a man that is not your husband ."


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You caught them messing around and all you could do is give her the bird? You said nothing to the guy who is banging your wife. Man, that is WEAK.

And she is definitely still having sex with this guy.
You need to file D and do the 180.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Justified.
She's cheating and lying. Badly.
I caught mine in a coffee shop holding hands with OM.
I said nothing. I took off my wedding ring, slammed it on the table between them, turned and walked out.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I’d really like to find proof one way or another at this point. I’m tired of not knowing and just speculating. I want to find out if she’s still cheating, or not. If I could afford a private investigator, I’d get one, but unfortunately that isn’t going to happen. Catching her the first time was just a matter of chance.
> My biggest question though, is am I a jerk for being so mad at her still, being as I was the first one to look elsewhere, or am I justified?


You already know the answer. Its clear as day and you seen it with your own eyes. What has she done other then give you a lame a$$ excuse of a bowling league that doesn't allow spouses because it would interfere with her cheating? Really!?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bent not Broken said:


> I don't mean that I only get it 3-4 times a week, I'm talking about the fact that, if I'm lucky, it's closer to 3 times a year. Again, not complaining
> 
> So, she works second shift. I'm usually in bed when she comes home, as I need to get a few winks in, before getting up for work in the morning.
> 
> Fast forward to today. I didn’t leave. She tells me that she never slept with him, but I don’t believe her. She tells me she isn’t still seeing him. I don’t believe her on that either, as she is still going out with B on a regular basis, and still keeps her cell phone private.


First mistake, NEVER accept not getting sex but 3 times a year. You should have made that a hill to die on.

Second mistake, almost NO marriage can survive the two people working different shifts. You simply can't stay in love when you have no real time to spend together. Dr. Harley says that you should be spending at least 15 hours a WEEK together away from kids/chores/work, just to stay in love.

Third mistake, you should NEVER have stayed with her without her (1) handing you her phone for you to check or else removing the password and (2) allowing her to continue to go out and see B whenever she wants without PROVING to you she stopped cheating.

The middle mistake, the two of you could have decided to fix together, but the first and second...that's on you. You need to work on becoming the leader of the family. Read No More Mr Nice Guy, like TOMORROW. You'll understand what I'm talking about.

Unless you can turn around your laidback attitude and start leading, you'll find yourself in worse and worse shape.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bent not Broken,

I am a bit confused and do not want to re-read that entire book. When did you catch her with him? How long ago?

Do you have children with your wife? If so how old are they?

We of course cannot tell you if she is still cheating. But there are ways you can find out.

Does your cell phone bill show the numbers for texts and phone calls? If it does take a look at it. Find out who owns each of the numbers she calls. If she is cheating, you will find the OM this way.

You can put a GPS on her car and track where she is going. Then you can go look... get a new hoodie that she has never seen because she probably keeps an eye out for you. If you have a friend you can trust ask to use their car or have them go with you. 

If I were you I'd go find out what that bowling league thing is about. No one but employees allowed? Really? Does the company own the blowing center? My bet is that you will see spouses and even children there.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Secure it with adhesive back Velcro up under the front seat of her car. Two VARS are even better.. one to have in the car and one to have to listen to what has been recorded.. then switch them out.

Keep in mind that recording a conversation that you are not part of can be illegal depending on where you live. Just do not share with anyone that you are doing this and that you have recordings. It's only for you to know for sure what is going on.

Just doing the above you probably help you determine what she is really up to these days. But if you need to do more, here is a link to the evidence thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

If you find out that she is cheating, do not confront her until you have a plan. You made that mistaken when you followed her to the beach. I can understand why. But you need to handle this more carefully now because a lot hangs on this.

If you find that she is cheating, what do you think you will want to do? reconcile? divorce?

If she is not cheating, what do you think you want to do? Fix your marriage? divorce?


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

It's up to you to stand up and take control of your life. You can't make stop cheating, just as nothing you did made her cheat in the first place.

Make good on your promise to move out. Get on with your life without her. If she wants you back then see if she is willing to do all it takes to earn her way back in.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She is lying about EVERYTHING....sex with him, the A is over, he didn't know she was M....ALL BULLS*IT.

And her continued secrecy, blameshifting and attitude just confirm that she doesn't even deserve a chance at R.

Just consider how differently YOU reacted after being caught in your stupid EA many years ago.

Is she even close to doing any of the steps you did to save the M?

File for D expose the A to both your families and all friends, and only talk to her about the D proceedings, kids, and absolute necessities.

Find out who POSOM is, and if that f*cker has a BW or gf expose his scummy a** to her.

It sounds like she has treated you very poorly following your R from the EA...tell her you will never tolerate her sh*t anymore...either she admits everything SHE has done, ends the A, goes NC, and starts working to fix her issues or you are done with her forever.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Bent not Broken,

What do you want? Divorce or Reconciliation?

If it's divorce then you really don't need any more proof than your own eyes. Go file.

If it's reconciliation, that only can happen if she ends her affair, is remorseful and is willing to do anything to earn back your trust just like you did after your EA. But by the information you've provided, I'd say that she is nowhere near that.

Just because you had an EA doesn't mean that she can go and have an affair of her own. She had her chance to end the marriage and move on with her life but instead chose to stay married to you and give you a chance to earn her trust. There are no free "hall passes" unless both spouses agree to have an open marriage.

Whatever you decide, base your choices on her actions and not by her words.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She is still cheating. She does not respect you and has not respected you for a long time. You state before you had your EA you were not getting sex or affection. After you got busted you basically became a doormat. I highly suspect you were a pushover before the EA. Women want a strong decisive man.
Why are you not divorcing this Jezebell? By not holding her feet to the fire, she is losing even more respect for you. There should be no passwords anymore she lost that privilege. I don't know why she would have one in the first place without you knowing what the password is. It's time for you to man up. Being nice will not work. Best wishes.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

You made the threat of moving out. Follow through with that threat but instead of you moving out. Kick her out. She disrespected you and your marriage. Ask her to leave so you can file for divorce. She continues to disrespect you by seeing him and keeping you out. 

You are justified. Now you just have to follow through.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your sexless marriage sucks anyways.

File for divorce. Read about the 180.

Do you smoke?


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm sorry your here. Forgive me for saying this, but I think you want to believe her and that's why you're struggling. 

She bars you from a bublic place, the bowling alley and you stay home? I'd be down there the next day. Check your cell phones. You will know the number she called before you caught her. Then search for it. Bingo you can establish continued contact. 

Get some counseling, you'll need it to figure out why you want to believe her and stay with someone who treats you so badly. In my opinion, watching her make out with another guy is grounds for divorce. File for impact, you can always withdraw the petition.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, what more "evidence" do you need?

You caught her making out with the guy at the park. And now she is thumbing her nose at you, refuses to give you any details, continues to lie, continues to go trolling on girls nights with her friends, and has not shown the least bit of remorse.

Personally, I would file for divorce.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You don't need a PI. She's lying. They're f*cking.
> 
> And I'm sorry, but if you're buying all of the bullsh*t that she's selling you, then you're pretty broken.


:iagree:

The only reason to get more proof is for friends and family to explain why you are divorcing her and breaking up your family. 

*LOOK HERE:* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

She will stick to her story and take it to the grave. If you tell her that the only chance for R is to tell you the truth now she might trickle truth you and minimize. “I gave him one BJ. Ok it was two. Etc. 

You need to at least put divorce on the table even if you have no plans to actually do it. Otherwise why would she ever end her affair or respect you? No sex for you but sex for the OM would be a deal breaker for me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think you're a jerk, there is no excuse for what she's doing now. I guess I would ask if you're sure you affair was really dealt with.....I know you said you jumped through hoops but it sounds like the real reasons for it weren't addressed. If so she could have some lingering resentment because of it.

But that does not excuse her behavior right now, so perhaps you guys can get into counseling and lay all of this stuff on the table.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You were just a babysitter, maid and paycheck. She shows no remorse because she no longer looks at you as a husband.



Bent not Broken said:


> We celebrated Easter with the family at our house. *Her parents came over as usual.* We ate too much dinner, and we relaxed after it was all over.
> Her cell phone went off. She grabbed it, and immediately started texting the sender back. There was a quick back and forth with her, and the sender. *She stood up, and stated that B wanted her to go out for a couple of drinks.* I knew something was up. She dressed up, put on some perfume, and went out.


Do her parents know that she left Easter dinner to be with the OM? So her story is she jumped up form the family Easter dinner to kiss the OM?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bent not Broken

What exactly do you want? Divorce? Reconciliation? You are justified, but I can't really give you more then that. Think back to when you and your wife were dating, and you began kissing, and as you stated finally came up for air, did it not progress to intimacy? It is a physical affair as kissing is physical. Knowing your decision to stay or go would help very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Bent not Broken said:


> We had worked hard to get past what had happened. I focused on her as much as was possible, without being overbearing. She says "Jump", I ask "How High?". She works second shift, so I end up doing most of the housework, running the kids to and fro, etc. Now that's not a complaint, just pointing out that I'm not like the "stereotypical man" that most people seem to think of these days.


You worked to get past your EA. What has she done to get past her PA?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Bent not Broken,

The fact that a remorseful WS voluntarily becomes an "open book" to his/her BS to earn his/her trust does not mean that the BS has no obligation to do the same. BOTH should be equally accountable to each other as a sign of care and consideration for one another.

Your wife may feel justified in having a revenge affair but that doesn't mean she is right. You have every right, just like she did with your EA, to feel wronged and to expect either she do the hard work to regain your trust or to just end the marriage. Just like you, she lost the moral high ground when she chose marital betrayal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling is an option. For after she stops cheating.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From what I gather when you got busted you stopped screwing around and made it right.....you old lady however seems to continue doing wrong and has no intention of making things right.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bent, are you still around?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bent

Your a jerk for not keeping your word.

You told her you were leaving her.

When she saw you were full of it she knew you would not show her any consequences for her affair just like she shwdd you none.

Now what are you going yo do?

HM


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read top lnk in my signature and implement.

Damn. Was hoping bent not broken was referring to om's nose.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Totally justified. Use weightlifters links.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> Read top lnk in my signature and implement.
> 
> Damn. *Was hoping bent not broken was referring to om's nose*.


I am just the opposite....I would hope it was broken.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You catch her cheating red handed, hang around and nothing changes.

All immediate so called nights out should of been cancelled then and there access to cell phone, passwords to all accounts given along with complete transparancy on her whereabouts.

Instead you have rugswept accepted this foul behavour and are still looking for more proof.

The proof is in her continuing behavour of phone locking and nights out.

Dont want to be mean but stop the denial and man up.


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## Bent not Broken (Mar 26, 2015)

I am still here. I saw a post asking if I was. I've been putting a lot of thought into what you guys have said. Thanks for the advice. I will keep you guys updated when I can.


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