# Do I have to tell?



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I cheated on my husband after we agreed we were seperating 4 years ago. It lasted about 7 months before I finally woke up and got a clue. We ended up getting back together during the affair when he threatened suicide. We went to therapy but we are still having trouble. 

I have gone to dinner now with a work colleague. He knows I'm having marital problems again. Nothing has happened. But I have felt the twinges. 

I really believe that if I level with my husband ... He will STAY because I'm the breadwinner but be even more of a jerk. He is already selfish and difficult now. 

I've been trying to get my head screwed on straight again. I don't want to cheat. I am considering leaving. I just don't want to lie anymore. 

Should I tell him about the first affair in an effort to save this? Or should I keep quiet and leave. It will be gut wrenching because we are both codependent. We will struggle without each other...


Advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You separated for the wrong reasons (pretty sure the OM was already lined up). Then you got back for the wrong reasons (suicide threats).

This will only get worse. You have to address the issue, and you cant' do that without coming clean.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well that was 4 years ago. We had improved some. But the initial seperating was due to the fact that I felt isolated and seperate from my husband. He never accompanied me to work events and didn't allow me to have friends. But those 2 things have improved. 

Our issue right now is that I just still see him as a childish irresponsible.man who is secretive about his feelings. Tonight he sat at dinner the entire time researching "coupons" on his smart phone. I asked him to shut it off. He said no he needed to do it because it needed to load on his phone. It's just a very cold lifestyle. 



snap said:


> You separated for the wrong reasons (pretty sure the OM was already lined up). Then you got back for the wrong reasons (suicide threats).
> 
> This will get only worse. You have to address the issue, and you cant' do that without coming clean.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I cheated on my husband after we agreed we were seperating 4 years ago. It lasted about 7 months before I finally woke up and got a clue. We ended up getting back together during the affair when he threatened suicide. We went to therapy but we are still having trouble.
> 
> I have gone to dinner now with a work colleague. He knows I'm having marital problems again. Nothing has happened. But I have felt the twinges.
> 
> ...


Get a divorce. You find him to be a jerk, list no redeeming qualities of his, and stayed cause of pity and a threat.

Tell him the truth about the affair as it could make the divorce easier and leave. He should be happy getting some of your breadwinning money.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Oh, the typical _my husband has no redeeming value and is worthless talk_. Look how he's been demonized. 

And I bet the work colleague is Prince Charming.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm not demonizing him. In fact I'm here to find out if it's worth trying to salvage. But through all of our previous therapy,., I have only seen him as more difficult to understand. 

Could coming clean bring us to the base issues? Or are we just hopeless?




lordmayhem said:


> Oh, the typical _my husband has no redeeming value and is worthless talk_. Look how he's been demonized.
> 
> And I bet the work colleague is Prince Charming.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I'm not demonizing him. In fact I'm here to find out if it's worth trying to salvage. But through all of our previous therapy,., I have only seen him as more difficult to understand.


Read your own posts, you've already demonized him and you feel like cheating and you're dating this coworker. 

*Its terrible being a SAHD, your wife no sees you as alpha.*


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He's not a stay at home dad. And he's racked up over 60k in debt that I now have to pay for. This really isn't just me hating on him. There have been a lot of problems. I just want to know how to proceed as I move forward. I'm not evil. I made mistakes and want to make it right. Whichever way that is. What would you suggest? Do you tell and HURT the spouse? I confessed my Sins. Priest said its best not to tell. 



lordmayhem said:


> Read your own posts, you've already demonized him and you feel like cheating and you're dating this coworker.
> 
> *Its terrible being a SAHD, your wife no sees you as alpha.*


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are just as damaged and broken as your H. you guys should divorce.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

The question here seem to. Is not if you shuld tell or not.

The qustion is more of. Why are you stying married.Why do you want this narriage. An so on. Im sure you husband is not blamless.But

You habbit of having a OM lined up, as soon something is not up
To you liking.

Finally has it ever aqured that you husband already knows what went sown 4years ago. Hence his behavior now?

Is seems more like its time for you to dicide what you want,out of this.

Cant help get the feeling about you. That there. Is some imaturity invalved here with you.. And entaltment. Steange consudering having a affair for seven months and not telling. No . Its time for you to start growing up,if you really want this marriage for real. And stop blaming you husband for thr elephant in the room. That has beenthere for some years..grow up and start own your ****.


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I cheated on my husband after we agreed we were seperating 4 years ago. It lasted about 7 months before I finally woke up and got a clue. We ended up getting back together during the affair when he threatened suicide. We went to therapy but we are still having trouble.
> 
> I have gone to dinner now with a work colleague. He knows I'm having marital problems again. Nothing has happened. But I have felt the twinges.
> 
> ...


I will give my opinion on what you have asked. It was 4 years ago and you were separated, so I would not tell now. But, you need to end this current work thing and work on your marriage OR end the marriage and be single. There is no excuse for starting an affair.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Well that was 4 years ago. We had improved some. * But the initial seperating was due to the fact that I felt isolated and seperate from my husband. He never accompanied me to work events and didn't allow me to have friends*. *So your solution was to have on affair?* *But those 2 things have improved.*Hmm
> 
> *Our issue right now is that I just still see him as a childish irresponsible.man who is secretive about his feelings.*Se above. *Tonight he sat at dinner the entire time researching "coupons" on his smart phone. I asked him to shut it off. He said no he needed to do it because it needed to load on his phone. It's just a very cold lifestyle. * Remember you had a affair.
> So who´s childish?
> ...


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

More information would be helpful, but reconciliation takes hard work and total honesty. You guys are nowhere near that. 

You don't sound committed and that's not a criticism, just how you feel. And that's okay. I'm a betrayed husband and I'm not really committed either. I' m heading for divorce. To me, it honestly sounds like your best, if not inevitable solution. Good luck.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mmm

try imagining washing your work 'colleague's' socks and underwear and picking up his dirty clothes etc etc or he yours.

(that's if you manage to get him down off of his shining white horse)


Again with people like you, how come you don't just quickly think 'this is all wrong, beyond repair, and we need to finish and then I'll be free ( so will he) to move on to other relationships?

At least that would save a complete and utter emotional annihilation of the BS and you may both have some respect for each other later.

Can you tell me why that is so difficult? because for the life of me I can't see what the problem about this is - it's just basic decent honesty from what I can see.
When all is said and done and the time is up why on earth can you not just split and go?

Why do you people want to hang on to something whilst starting something else knowing it will completely unquestionably destroy somebody else.

Why?

Can you respond to this please?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Have you both had IC ?? That would be a start whether you stay together ,separate or divorce as you both seem to be "broke" and figure out how to fix yourselves as individuals and make each person complete again.

IMO !!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

To reconcile, it takes complete and utter honesty. I think you should tell him. Decide what you both want to do and work towards that goal. Create boundaries, such as not staying around when he treats you that way, and stick to them.

However, in my personal opinion, I think you guys should divorce. I can't really tell that you love your husband through your posts. In fact, it reads that you don't really like your husband. You've gotten back together with him because he threatened suicide which in itself is a controlling attempt to keep you two together.

Whatever you do, I think you should get into IC, figure out why you want to stay with someone who treats you that way. Then, MC.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Demonizing the betrayed spouse and re-writing the marital history...all part of the cheater script so they can justify the affair to themselves. I bet its already gone beyond dinners already.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

In every struggling relationship there are ALWAYS issues on both sides. We've heard the problems with the spouse but what are your shortcomings that contributed to the marriage issues?

If you have none, that is your 1st sign of the problem.

Q~


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You are both co-dependent and have other issues as well. I think you need to separate and go to individual counseling and DO NOT enter into ANY relationship at all. Your desire for this other guy is probably part of your co-dependency. You need to be an adult, live on your own, rely on NO ONE for your own happiness and get your own emotional health back. Great if he can do the same at the same time and you guys get back together when you are both healthy individuals but my opinion is that neither of you are ready to fix a marriage until you fix yourselves.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before you take any action, I recommend you read a couple of books. One is His Needs Her Needs - it will show you what a marriage is supposed to look like, and teach you how to make yours that way.

The other is Boundaries in Marriage, which will teach you what to do when your husband refuses to step up and participate in the marriage. You can't make him do anything, but you CAN change what YOU do, and that will have an effect on him.

Remember that if he racked up the debt while married to you, you get half the debt when you divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Look at OP's other posts. they are in a dysfunctional and a toxic relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Look at OP's other posts. they are in a dysfunctional and a toxic relationship.


 Argh! WHY do people have to keep starting new threads?!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Look at OP's other posts. they are in a dysfunctional and a toxic relationship.


Not only that, but you can't tell what's the truth here and what is false.

From her post on December 22, 2008:



questionme2 said:


> I need advice. *I have been with my husband for over 2 years now* and I have to admit that the first time I met him I thought he was gay. He works for a ballet in an executive position, he is very into his appearance, talks very gay, saying "like" all the time and is very feminine in his mannerisms.


From her post on December 24, 2008:



questionme2 said:


> *My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now* and this is the first year he and I are able to spend XMAS together. But, it turns out -- I have to work. I work 2 jobs (single mother supporting my young daughter) and I got roped into working without much down time and *my boyfriend lives 3 hours from me*.


From her post on December 26, 2008:



questionme2 said:


> :scratchhead:I need advice. I feel like I need an outside opinion (aside from my therapist). *I am married. Have been for 8 years*. I have a 3 year old daughter. I am the breadwinner of the family. My husband is a hard worker, but makes far less than I do. He is not financially responsible.


And every single thread after that is a bash fest. You would think this guy is the worst man on the planet. If that was the case, why stay? Or was this all to justify an affair? Why take the easy route to cheat?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Not only that, but you can't tell what's the truth here and what is false.
> 
> From her post on December 22, 2008:
> 
> ...


Like i said OP reeks of HEY look at me.Can i be more immature


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think the reason you want to tell him is so that he will dump you and you will feel better about wanting to divorce him.

You are looking for an easy way out.

Why does your co-worker know you have marital problems? Oh right, cause you had poor boundaries. You feel twinges? Then stop hanging with you co-worker.

If you want out so bad, get a divorce.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Tell him and then you two sit down and talk about the divorce. Typical Blame Shifting. Sure marraiges have problems and it takes two.

But it only took you to cheat and head down that road again. You really need help.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Honostly Qustioneme2. What is it you really want? Me personally reading, Lord mayham's post. Is getting me seriously confused
On your desired outcome. You wish to achive


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

After reading Lord Mayhem's post, I think you are deep in the fog. As long as you see this man at work, you are going to thinking about the problems in your married. The problems in marriages are usually 50/50. However, the EA is all on you. 

You are getting twinges at work. You like this guy. It's time to find another job. Tell you husband. Decide what to do. However, go get IC.

Am I the only one confused on the dates that she has been married?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Divorce him and move on. It's up to you if you wish to tell him just as long as you are planning to leave. It's obvious that you may already be cheating again since you started this thread and mentioned the "twinges" (?). What I'm trying to figure out is 
just how a female "bread winner" can end up marrying a "poor provider" in the first place. What qualities do you possess that made you think you could change his station in life that would better his earning power?
If you do leave, you best make sure your assessment of the next guy is correct because you will soon find that aging overtakes us all and you might not measure up to some future potential "partner".


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well.. I appreciate the feedback as harsh as it may be. The reason I'm here is because I don't know what I want. My husband has seriously let me down many times... But he's not a terrible person. He definitely didn't deserve that. I wish I could understand WHY my mind wanders. I was raped as a teenager over and over again (family friend) and when I finally told my parents several years ago ... They didn't believe me. My husband forced me to tell them. Stood right in front of them and said "tell them". Well it blew up my family. Then my father died ... Tragically.. And he died calling me a liar. I know I somehow blamed my husband for this. I've gone to therapy and I've tried to get over it. But, I don't know if I can ever fully forgive him. 

Now, I'm not cheating now. I'm not. The dinners are for my work. Business dinner. I will no longer go. But, my point was that I was having the feelings and it least NOW I'm recognizing them and trying to decide how to handle my marriage. Are they a sign that things are broken beyond repair?

I'm not proud of what I've done... Several years ago. And I've been a good wife and mom since. I have tried to ask for a new job where I have less stress but my husband won't allow it because I make the bulk of the income and we have lots of bills. 





hookares said:


> Divorce him and move on. It's up to you if you wish to tell him just as long as you are planning to leave. It's obvious that you may already be cheating again since you started this thread and mentioned the "twinges" (?). What I'm trying to figure out is
> just how a female "bread winner" can end up marrying a "poor provider" in the first place. What qualities do you possess that made you think you could change his station in life that would better his earning power?
> If you do leave, you best make sure your assessment of the next guy is correct because you will soon find that aging overtakes us all and you might not measure up to some future potential "partner".


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Let me grt this straight he stood up for you,and backed you up.
And now , you some how resent him for it? Is that about right?

Now I get now even more confused,when you have a loving husband who seems to wanna help hihs wife to deal with life trauma.. Makes no sense. Considering what you been up to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> But, I don't know if I can ever fully forgive him.


That's just sick. Your husband is the only person in your life who stood up for YOU by bringing the subject out in the open so you could heal...and you blame HIM?!

You need some serious therapy, qm. I'm talking years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopefully you've learned this by now, but women who were sexually abused will self-sabotage and will seek out harmful people while walking all over any 'good' people in their lives. You are standard cookie cutter abuse victim.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No he forced me to tell them. I had never told anyone other than him and i made him promise that he would never tell anyone. I knew it would kill my parents. I just didn't know they would call me a liar. My husband forced me to tell something I was planning to take to my grave. 




Jonesey said:


> Let me grt this straight he stood up for you,and backed you up.
> And now , you some how resent him for it? Is that about right?
> 
> Now I get now even more confused,when you have a loving husband who seems to wanna help hihs wife to deal with life trauma.. Makes no sense. Considering what you been up to.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He's not a stay at home dad. And he's racked up over 60k in debt that I now have to pay for. This really isn't just me hating on him. There have been a lot of problems. I just want to know how to proceed as I move forward. I'm not evil. I made mistakes and want to make it right. Whichever way that is. What would you suggest? Do you tell and HURT the spouse? I confessed my Sins. Priest said its best not to tell.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Whoa whoa, i am assuming a catholic priest told you this. First off catholics do not believe in divorce, second adultery is a grave mortal sin against the marital vows and thirdly you have to confess because you have been unfaithful. If you are a catholic do your own research, that priest was incorrect, how do you expect to be forgiven for a lie that you keep living? You need to go to a traditional priest, not necessarily tridentine/latin mass but a well studied faithful priest. If you plan not to confess to your husband and just leave him you are just saving face as every cheater does under the pretense of "hurt".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> That's just sick. Your husband is the only person in your life who stood up for YOU by bringing the subject out in the open so you could heal...and you blame HIM?!
> 
> You need some serious therapy, qm. I'm talking years.


Well, it certainly explains the many threads that she started to bash her husband. Heck, reading thru them, you would think this guy is a worthless POS. 

By the threads, I would say the EA with the coworker began last year.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I've gone to therapy and I've tried to get over it. But, I don't know if I can ever fully forgive him.


He was the only one to support you, QE. He didn't betray you, encouraging you to share your feelings with your family. And, you resent him for tearing your family apart? He was trying to help you heal from the trauma like most husbands.

I'm sure that he can pick up on your resentment.

You need to get back into therapy, stat.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I am in therapy. And now 2 therapists have heard what happened and say that what my husband did was abusive because he betrayed me AND he used that as a way to distance me from my family. After my dad died he then suggested I sue my mother for half of my dad's estate. 




Writer said:


> He was the only one to support you, QE. He didn't betray you, encouraging you to share your feelings with your family. And, you resent him for tearing your family apart? He was trying to help you heal from the trauma like most husbands.
> 
> I'm sure that he can pick up on your resentment.
> 
> You need to get back into therapy, stat.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OP, can you explain the inconsistencies laid out by Lord Mayhem? You were married 8 years, but talk about your boyfriend living 3 hours away? Were you married AND had a boyfriend? I don't understand.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I am in therapy. And now 2 therapists have heard what happened and say that what my husband did was abusive because he betrayed me AND he used that as a way to distance me from my family. After my dad died he then suggested I sue my mother for half of my dad's estate.


Then since to you, he's an evil POS, leave him and run off with your coworker. That should make you very happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> I am in therapy. And now 2 therapists have heard what happened and say that what my husband did was abusive because he betrayed me AND he used that as a way to distance me from my family. After my dad died he then suggested I sue my mother for half of my dad's estate.


Then there's something you're not telling us. Did he hit you? Blame you? How did he 'make' you confront them?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> No he forced me to tell them. I had never told anyone other than him and i made him promise that he would never tell anyone. I knew it would kill my parents. I just didn't know they would call me a liar. My husband forced me to tell something I was planning to take to my grave.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what if he forced you, he promised not to tell.
husband is married to you not your parents.Your parents should have been told ages ago. Your husband has no obligation to protect your parents reaction´s his only obligation is to protect his wife and marriage.


YOU are his responsibility. Would not surprise me if he already knew you had one affair.And judging by your other post in the past.He most felt if this marriage would have some sort of a chance after your life trauma you experienced needed to be dealt with..Once it for all. Please give him credit for that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> I am in therapy. And now 2 therapists have heard what happened and say that what my husband did was abusive because he betrayed me AND he used that as a way to distance me from my family.


What exactly did you tell these 2 therapists? Did they hear HIS side of it? I doubt it.

Does he have abusive tendencies? That is the ONLY way a qualified therapist would say that he's trying to distance you from your family.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

My girlfriend wanted to post and I let her use my handle. It has nothing to do with me. She wanted feedback so I suggested she come here. 





Gabriel said:


> OP, can you explain the inconsistencies laid out by Lord Mayhem? You were married 8 years, but talk about your boyfriend living 3 hours away? Were you married AND had a boyfriend? I don't understand.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

They did. In couples counseling. 




turnera said:


> What exactly did you tell these 2 therapists? Did they hear HIS side of it? I doubt it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> He's not a stay at home dad. And he's racked up over 60k in debt that I now have to pay for. This really isn't just me hating on him. There have been a lot of problems. I just want to know how to proceed as I move forward. I'm not evil. I made mistakes and want to make it right. Whichever way that is. What would you suggest? Do you tell and HURT the spouse? I confessed my Sins. Priest said its best not to tell.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Priests aren't married, so how can they advise you of anything?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Priests aren't married, so how can they advise you of anything?


:iagree:

I never understood why anyone would go to a priest for marriage counseling. Makes no sense, whatsoever.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

The priest said telling my husband would only hurt him. That living with it on my own conscience is my punishment. That if I told him it would just be to free myself of the responsibility and the pain and that wasn't what God would want. 



Gabriel said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I never understood why anyone would go to a priest for marriage counseling. Makes no sense, whatsoever.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> My girlfriend wanted to post and I let her use my handle. It has nothing to do with me. She wanted feedback so I suggested she come here.


:scratchhead:

I guess it was too difficult for her to use her own, huh? That explains the part he was a boyfriend of 2 years, and then husband of 2 years. Very easy mistake.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have been married for 11 years and have a son. He is 6. She asked me to post for her. That's the truth. 





lordmayhem said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I guess it was too difficult for her to use her own, huh? That explains the part he was a boyfriend of 2 years, and then husband of 2 years. Very easy mistake.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dump your 2 therapist. Dont take the priest advice.

Research and find a therapist specializing in rape and infidelity and who has a good outlook on life.

Your husband knows about your affair during your separation.

Coming clean about your past can be very liberating. Be honest to others and yourself. If you cant be honest, your lies/denials hinder getting the right solution. You'll flop along and then one day you wake up and you're 65 and you realize you wasted your life being bitter.






That'll be $125 please.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

"worthless pos" you say describes my husband in these posts. Do you think that is my fault or are you honestly saying that my husband is hurtful and difficult in my marriage? I obviously made mistakes but are they worth trying to fix after reading my story?



lordmayhem said:


> Well, it certainly explains the many threads that she started to bash her husband. Heck, reading thru them, you would think this guy is a worthless POS.
> 
> By the threads, I would say the EA with the coworker began last year.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I have been married for 11 years and have a son. He is 6. She asked me to post for her. That's the truth.


Okay, so how does this square with your post on August 6?



questionme2 said:


> We have two 5 year old twins.


And in your other posts, you mention you have kids.

Look, its very difficult to understand your story when it keeps changing all the time.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He did know about an emotional affair during the separation because I told him. I just didn't tell him the details. Us it really worth Hurting him and telling him that it was physical as well? I mean he hurt once.. Do I need to put salt in the wound?




aug said:


> Dump your 2 therapist. Dont take the priest advice.
> 
> Research and find a therapist specializing in rape and infidelity and who has a good outlook on life.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That depends. Do you want a REAL marriage where he is your best friend and you can tell each other anything? Or do you want a marriage of convenience where you just spend the rest of your life together like roommates?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Find that therapist first so at least part of your support system is in place. Maybe your husband can help you with the search? He'll need one too when he works on himself.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

We were best friends for a long time. Sex was never good but it didn't seem to matter to me. Then our son came along and he changed. Our dogs attacked our infant and I beat them off. When he came home... He said that he couldn't believe it. He say his shredded clothes. Thank God he was ok. But he threatened to kill himself and "put the dogs to sleep with him" because I insisted that the dogs live outside or go to a new home without kids. He said that no ond could take care of our dogs like him so he wanted to die with them. That was when it all changed for me. I never once even looked at another man ...6 years into marriage. But that was the moment that Iost respect for him and I could no longer feel that closeness to him. I forgave him but it was the beginning of all of our problems (IMO). I loved him so much and I remember telling him I was done. I realized I was going to be a single mom of an infant! Horrible feeling. But then he slowly came out of his temper tantrum and I forgave him. I just don't know how to get the respect back in my head... 



turnera said:


> That depends. Do you want a REAL marriage where he is your best friend and you can tell each other anything? Or do you want a marriage of convenience where you just spend the rest of your life together like roommates?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sooooo, if he "forced" you to confront your parents after your PA, perhaps he is and was already aware of your unfaithfulness and was actually trying to fix your problem possibly in order to protect his "meal ticket".


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

That is certainly a possibility. However he too was raped by a man while in his twenties. I never once told and I would never have told his parents. Never. 




hookares said:


> Sooooo, if he "forced" you to confront your parents after your PA, perhaps he is and was already aware of your unfaithfulness and was actually trying to fix your problem possibly in order to protect his "meal ticket".


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> We were best friends for a long time. Sex was never good but it didn't seem to matter to me. Then our son came along and he changed. Our dogs attacked our infant and I beat them off. When he came home... He said that he couldn't believe it. He say his shredded clothes. Thank God he was ok. But he threatened to kill himself and "put the dogs to sleep with him" because I insisted that the dogs live outside or go to a new home without kids. He said that no ond could take care of our dogs like him so he wanted to die with them. That was when it all changed for me. I never once even looked at another man ...6 years into marriage. But that was the moment that Iost respect for him and I could no longer feel that closeness to him. I forgave him but it was the beginning of all of our problems (IMO). I loved him so much and I remember telling him I was done. I realized I was going to be a single mom of an infant! Horrible feeling. But then he slowly came out of his temper tantrum and I forgave him. I just don't know how to get the respect back in my head...
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait a minute! You said you have 5 year old twins?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes, Lordmayhem. I threw off the details because I wondered if my husband was reading here. But I told you I have a 6 year old son. Been married 11 years. 

Can't you just understand that I've come here for HELP. I am admitting that I was wrong and I'm asking for help. I just told what my husband did when our dogs attacked our infant (6 yrs old now) and you only respond by pointing out my child's age discrep? I just want advice and help please. I am being 100 percent honest. 



lordmayhem said:


> Wait a minute! You said you have 5 year old twins?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

People are a little harsh on OP. Attacking her won't help anyone. We can be a bit more kinder to her


And OP, people think you are a troll because the details are all over the place. Yes, people post false stories on TAM. He is just making sure that you aren't one.

How can people help you when they are confused by your posts? Ypu can move the thread to private section if you are scared of your H finding it out.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like you want us to justify your desire to not tell your husband. It also sounds like you want help as to what to do about these feelings that keep happening around other men.

OKay, reading through all of this, I think you should simply ask for a divorce. If you divorce, you really don't need to tell your husband about the affair, or about your feelings toward other men, and once it's final, you can start openly flirting again. You've cited many other reasons you don't really like your husband. So just tell him you want a divorce for those reasons.

This would accomplish many things.

1) you get to listen to the priest and suffer the guilt of the affair without releasing it to your husband, as he said God would want.

2) you give your husband the freedom to be rid of you and explore other relationships

3) you get to try again with someone else, or enjoy dating life, or date the coworker, or whatever. From the sounds of it, this is what you want, because you really don't respect or like your husband very much anyway.

There, I've solved all your problems at once.

Obviously, you will continue to need therapy to deal with the rape, etc, and to figure out why you let yourself cheat. And you will have to go through the inconvenience of divorce, but you make plenty of money, so you'll be fine.

QED


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Yes, Lordmayhem. I threw off the details because I wondered if my husband was reading here. But I told you I have a 6 year old son. Been married 11 years.
> 
> Can't you just understand that I've come here for HELP. I am admitting that I was wrong and I'm asking for help. I just told what my husband did when our dogs attacked our infant and you only respond by pointing out my child's age discrep? I just want advice and help please. I am being 100 percent honest.
> 
> ...


Then you need to understand if people like me are hesitant when we have to separate fact from fiction and have to sift through these inconsistencies. 

You have a very unhealthy marriage, since both of you are victims of sexual assault. You've built up so much resentment towards him that it looks to me that you've come to despise him, as evidenced by your numerous threads. You also do it because you're deep in the affair fog. And you make it appear that *HE* is the cause of *ALL* your problems.

If you're that unhappy with him, then divorce him. Stop your affair. Keep in mind that you may have to pay him alimony and possibly child support if he's the primary caregiver for the child and you make a six figure salary.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Why would he be the primary care giver? I am not unfaithful to him and I will fight tooth and nail for my son. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. 
Do I truly despise my husband? Or have I lived through too much of his drama? 

I clearly have issues too. Honestly I'm scared to leave/divorce because I'm scared I'll have a break down. What if I can't get it together? As you have said here, I'm "broken". "damaged". "need years of therapy" ... Maybe I'm too much of a mess to do anything but put my head down and live in the marriage I entered 11 years ago and just avoid all potential conflicts. 




lordmayhem said:


> Then you need to understand if people like me are hesitant when we have to separate fact from fiction and have to sift through these inconsistencies.
> 
> You have a very unhealthy marriage, since both of you are victims of sexual assault. You've built up so much resentment towards him that it looks to me that you've come to despise him, as evidenced by your numerous threads. You also do it because you're deep in the affair fog. And you make it appear that *HE* is the cause of *ALL* your problems.
> 
> If you're that unhappy with him, then divorce him. Stop your affair. Keep in mind that you may have to pay him alimony and possibly child support if he's the primary caregiver for the child and you make a six figure salary.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I cheated on my husband after we agreed we were seperating 4 years ago. It lasted about 7 months before I finally woke up and got a clue. We ended up getting back together during the affair when he threatened suicide. We went to therapy but we are still having trouble.
> 
> I have gone to dinner now with a work colleague. He knows I'm having marital problems again. Nothing has happened. But I have felt the twinges.
> 
> ...


Yea I would really love to hear the other side of this story since it seems like you are just skimming over the dirt. Listen it sounds like you had an affair and you separated. 
You realized the Affair Partner wasn't all he was cracked up to be so you go to your fall back plan your husband. The suicide is just a believable convenient way of stepping back in your marriage. Since your husband is suicidal you don't have to worry about pesky questions cause your husband is the crazy one. 
If you were talking to the person you saw when you were separated, before your separation. Then you were having an Affair. Why would you suddenly come back cause the threatened to kill himself. If anything that would normally keep couples separated because it is a sign of sever instability. 
Anyway you are starting to get attached to someone else. You don't want to cheat. So instead of coming clean and actually giving your marriage a shot you are just gonna leave your Husband so you can go be with whoever you want.
I am just gonna guess that you are better off financially now and if you left your husband you would be pretty stable. 

Lady read your original post. Pretend this was a stranger telling you this in person. A health response is "what are you thinking, cut all ties , tell the truth, and give your marriage a shot."
You need to come clean about all of it. You also need to tell the whole truth. I seriously doubt you are telling us the whole story.
I just feels like you aren't even trying. It sounds like you are giving us some trickle truth. That is common with cheaters to tell the partial truth or reveal the whole truth a piece at a time. We call that trickle truth.
" Oh we saw each other for six months as friends and It only turned into an affair for a few weeks. "
Then a few days later.
" well we did have a friendly get together about a month before the A really started. I didn't tell you but the truth is it really went on for three months."

A month later.
"I am so sorry i lied listen I really met this guy at work and look we had sex four more times. The guy and I met a year ago and the turned physical six months ago."

If you wanna do the right thing learn boundaries, respect your husband, and your marriage enough to give it a chance. 
He is probably acting like a jerk cause he knows you were having an A he just can't prove it yet. If you did and he gets on here I will gladly help him find the truth. 
This is not me calling you a liar this is me wanting the whole story. We are going to pick apart every detail cause there are hundreds of us. Telling us so little detail makes it appear that you are fishing for someone to be on your side.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I absolutely am telling the truth. I have not cheated on my husband since the separation. I did come back because he threatened suicide. That is the truth. We are both unhealthy emotionally so it problably makes sense to therapists. It did to mine. 

I will tell whatever you ask. I feel like I have told the whole story. What else do you want to know? I told my husband about the emotional affair but not physical.... After we got back together. He said that he wouldn't leave because he didn't want to leave our lifestyle. He said that he didn't want to live on his salary. (70k). He truly believed that he couldn't live on that. 

Me? I am constantly looking at him with a critical eye because he is never there when I need him. Even I the most basic circumstances. Case in point. Sounded like there was an intruder in the house. He made ME go check it out because he was scared. 

There was a suspicious car parked outside one night when I was leaving to go back to work. He hid in the bedroom and had me walk out alone. 

Does that mean that he deserves poor treatment or someone cheating on him? Absolutely not. But that's why I have trouble looking at him as an equal. 




badbane said:


> Yea I would really love to hear the other side of this story since it seems like you are just skimming over the dirt. Listen it sounds like you had an affair and you separated. You realized the Affair Partner wasn't all he was cracked up to be so you go to your fall back plan. If you were talking to the person you saw when you were separated before your separation. they you were having an A. Why would you suddenly come back cause the threatened to kill himself. If anything that would normally keep couples separated because it is a sign of sever instability.
> Anyway you are starting to get attached to someone and you don't want to cheat. So instead of coming clean and actually giving your marriage a shot you are just gonna leave your H.
> 
> Lady pretend this was a stranger telling you this. You need to come clean about all of it. You also need to tell the whole truth. I seriously doubt you are telling us the whole story. That is common with cheaters as we call it trickle truth.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Why would he be the primary care giver? I am not unfaithful to him and I will fight tooth and nail for my son. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
> Do I truly despise my husband? Or have I lived through too much of his drama?
> 
> I clearly have issues too. Honestly I'm scared to leave/divorce because I'm scared I'll have a break down. What if I can't get it together? As you have said here, I'm "broken". "damaged". "need years of therapy" ... Maybe I'm too much of a mess to do anything but put my head down and live in the marriage I entered 11 years ago and just avoid all potential conflicts.
> ...


Not you should be happy that your in a marriage that has lasted a decade. You should love your husband and you should try and refocus back on the man who has stuck with for eleven years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> Maybe I'm too much of a mess to do anything but put my head down and live in the marriage I entered 11 years ago and just avoid all potential conflicts.


Nonsense. You just need to buck up, be an adult about this, tell him the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. Start reading books, one a month, about people who've been assaulted, people who don't have supportive parents, things like that, and educate yourself on what you're dealing with.

As far as your marriage, start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, to see if your husband is indeed abusive or mentally ill (dog issue sounds like it).

If you don't recognize him in that book, read His Needs Her Needs for an education on what a healthy marriage looks like; see if yours is; if it isn't, follow the book's plan on fixing it. Do this for the next year - you need that much time to turn things around. If, after a year, nothing has improved, go ahead and divorce.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He may very well leave if I tell... or worse... Stay and just treat me worse than I am already dealing with. 



turnera said:


> Nonsense. You just need to buck up, be an adult about this, tell him the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. Start reading books, one a month, about people who've been assaulted, people who don't have supportive parents, things like that, and educate yourself on what you're dealing with.
> 
> As far as your marriage, start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, to see if your husband is indeed abusive or mentally ill (dog issue sounds like it).
> 
> If you don't recognize him in that book, read His Needs Her Needs for an education on what a healthy marriage looks like; see if yours is; if it isn't, follow the book's plan on fixing it. Do this for the next year - you need that much time to turn things around. If, after a year, nothing has improved, go ahead and divorce.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> He may very well leave if I tell... or worse... Stay and just treat me worse than I am already dealing with.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go back to my post. What is your reaction? It was serious advice and not sarcastic.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I hear you. And I appreciate your advice. But with a son and bills etc ...I'm truly scared I will fall apart. What if I can handle it? The feedback here makes me think I'm crazier than I even imagined. Maybe my wishes are too great and I'm just too damaged to see it like all of you do?




Gabriel said:


> Go back to my post. What is your reaction? It was serious advice and not sarcastic.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you haven't told him in all this time, a few more months won't matter. Take the year, like I suggested, to get your act together, get as much therapy as you can afford, read at least one book a month on it, and see if there's something left to save. 

Start posting here about the problems in your marriage and we can help you work on that.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

QE, 

I can understand that you are scared. It's normal to be scared in a situation like that. I think that you should reread Tunera's advice again. You have a son. Can you imagine what this is doing to him? Somethings going to have to give eventually.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I truly appreciate the support and honest feedback. I just started therapy again. Go back again tomorrow, in fact. 

Here's where we are. We have do many bills we can barely break even every month. My husband doesn't get side jobs, instead he is leaning on me to work on side projects. So I'm burned out. All I do is work. Either the normal Job or side stuff when I get home. On the weekends he will take our son out so I "can get to work". 

We rarely have sex. When we do (like last time) he just has me give him a hand job and then gets up and leaves. This has nothing to do with the emotional affair he is aware of. It's just always been "odd". I've just given up on ever being satisfied. Therapist instructed me to gently coach him. His response was consistently "apparently I just suck. Why bother?". nd this was by saying nicely what my therapist instructed. 

He's a good dad for the most part. I think he means well but he is extremely selfish. Always had been. I married him so I'm partly to blame. I've tried to stop enabling him. But it just seems that something always goes wrong. 

It's frustrating. I can only fix me I know... But I'm so overwhelmed w the responsibility of keeping us out of bankruptcy ... I'm truly breaking down. 



Writer said:


> QE,
> 
> I can understand that you are scared. It's normal to be scared in a situation like that. I think that you should reread Tunera's advice again. You have a son. Can you imagine what this is doing to him? Somethings going to have to give eventually.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Re the enabling, you can start making changes on that now. Think of one thing you do that you know you shouldn't, that harms the marriage but you do it to keep the peace. Something small. For instance, my H expects me to keep the fridge stocked with his drink. If I was in your place and having to do all the work, I'd start removing things I do for him, so that it becomes more equitable. Doesn't really matter to me if his drinks are cold and he's perfectly capable of doing it himself; he just takes me for granted on it. So, I should stop doing it. Pick one thing, tiny thing like that, each week, to change. As you go on, you'll start to feel more empowered, start liking yourself more for standing up for yourself (even in such tiny ways), you'll have more time to spend with your son, and your H will start to learn to contribute.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't think you love him anymore.

You don't respect him & see him as an equal partner.

You are too scared to leave him because you are both co-dependent on each other. He may threaten suicide again & you may have a nervous breakdown.

Your marital problems are HUGE - I think you both need much more help than an internet forum. So I am going to focus on your child (children - confused as to how many).

For your child please:

Stop talking to other men ASAP.

Stop fighting with your Husband.

Stop obsessing about all of the problems in your marriage.

Put your happiness on hold for now until things get sorted out.

Good luck.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I see a lot of truth in these replies. As for "until things get sorted out". How do they get "sorted out"? I'm in therapy. He isn't and doesn't want to. 



Emerald said:


> I don't think you love him anymore.
> 
> You don't respect him & see him as an equal partner.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Take help of the IC to go through the separation in the best way possible. (for you, the kid and him)

You are terribly unhappy in this relationship.



> I'm in therapy. He isn't and doesn't want to.


Threaten separation if he won't(and mean it. You have no other option)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what I did. I asked my H to go to therapy for 20 years, and he refused. It was only this year, this May, that I finally had gotten to such a low point that I told him I will leave him if he doesn't start going, that he finally started going.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Marriage counseling for us was pretty bad. When I started pointing out the problems and how he treated ne unfairly ... He acted like a victim. He kept saying that I was making him feel bad. The therapist said that all part of it. He just kept saying its clear I am a failure and can never fix the problems. He blames everything on "I have a bad memory". 



turnera said:


> That's what I did. I asked my H to go to therapy for 20 years, and he refused. It was only this year, this May, that I finally had gotten to such a low point that I told him I will leave him if he doesn't start going, that he finally started going.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm just saying that it wasn't productive. It ended when I had brought up that my husband had "accidentally kicked" our son in the rib cage and I didn't understand how that could "accidentally happen". My therapist recommended that she call CPS. She did. They investigated and I was just emotionally destroyed when CPS had to come in and talk to my son. What happened my husband said is that our son was jumping around and hit my husband in the groin. He said on "reflex" he kicked our son so hard in the ribcage he had the wind knocked out of him. CPS cleared him and said it was a mistake and recommended we go to marital counseling if we needed to. We did. Well when this came up 3 weeks later... In therapy. My husband's story changed about how it happened. I couldn't believe it. I tried so hard to trust him through this and it was clear he couldn't give a crap. He couldn't even remember how it happened! 

So the therapist was pretty bothered by that and really put the pressure on both of us. And I left there thinking I would leave him. Then he later apologized and I tried to go back into denial and have been there ever since. He has not hurt our son since. But I'm always watching... 




turnera said:


> So what?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I meant was, so what if he blames stuff on you. YOU know the truth; he's just using controlling tactics to get what he wants. It's all he knows. Please go get the book I recommended and start reading it, ok? It will really help. (Why Does He Do That?)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I hear you. And I appreciate your advice. But with a son and bills etc ...I'm truly scared I will fall apart. What if I can handle it? The feedback here makes me think I'm crazier than I even imagined. Maybe my wishes are too great and I'm just too damaged to see it like all of you do?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You make 160K a year and he makes 70K a year. And you're pleading poverty? :scratchhead:

Get rid of the nanny and the maids. That should cut some of your expenses down.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you are making a lot of lies , maybe for anonymity? You say bankruptcy but your H earns 70K and you earn much more than him. It just doesn't make sense


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Sorry for responding late. I kind of fell asleep.

I am really glad that you are going to therapy. The affairs aside, I believe that you need help in dealing with the rape and your husband's controlling ways. Mind you, I am only getting your side so I am trying to suspend judgment on him.

As far as the financial aspect is their any luxury items that you can cut off. No trips, no cable. As much as it pains me to say, no pets either. The essentials. 

You can still have fun. I don't know where you live, but a walk in the park. We tend to go to the mall to hang out like we did when we were teenagers.

I understand that he is use to living in his life of luxury, but enough is enough. There is a time that you need to put your foot down. Prepare for your exit, if you choose to do so.

Also, on the subject of codependency, I never thought such a thing existed until I had to go to therapy myself. I will say that I understand about your childhood. In regards to my own trauma, I developed an attachment to relationships as a way of coping with it. Codependency is one way that our brain deals with trauma. I found the book invaluable: 


_Codependent No More_ by Melody Beattie. It's an older book, published in '87, but the activities really helped me in kicking my codependant habit (along with a support group online).


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I think you are making a lot of lies , maybe for anonymity? You say bankruptcy but your H earns 70K and you earn much more than him. It just doesn't make sense


Maybe they live in NYC, SF or Honolulu. I could see going bankrupt on 70K + maybe 110K for her in those markets with bad spending habits.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thanks for this great advice. I will read the books recommended to me. 

We do live in NY. And the reason the salary doesn't cut it is we are do in debt from past spending. We don't have a maid and only a sitter. But we are about to end that when school starts. We are just so deep in debt. It's hard to make rent and climb out. 





Gabriel said:


> Maybe they live in NYC, SF or Honolulu. I could see going bankrupt on 70K + maybe 110K for her in those markets with bad spending habits.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Seriously, if bankruptcy is what's holding you back, then stop worrying about materialistic stuff and file. You'd be surprised to know how freeing it can be to let go of financial issues.

Then again... You'd really have to concentrate on the marriage...


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Recently there have been some strange threads in here!


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Certainly filing would have its pluses and minuses. Obviously it will damage my credit and change everything, but it would allow me the freedom to start over on my own if necessary. The way things are right now...most of our credit is in my name. I had lost my engagement ring years ago. It was insured. But my husband wanted to use it to pay off previous debt. I agreed. I went with a fake ring for 5 years. Then I finally made a point to say I wanted a ring. So he tooke to a store and said he picked one out. Then told me to take out credit for it. So I was on the spot and did it. Unfortunately I have been the enabler. 


Regret214 said:


> Seriously, if bankruptcy is what's holding you back, then stop worrying about materialistic stuff and file. You'd be surprised to know how freeing it can be to let go of financial issues.
> 
> Then again... You'd really have to concentrate on the marriage...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Why is this strange? It's my life. 



Headspin said:


> Recently there have been some strange threads in here!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look up Financial Peace University.

So what are you doing to stop enabling him?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I've sworn off giving him hand jobs now... After feeling so awful about it the last time. 

The rest is really a case by case basis because I don't really do much for him anymore. The problem now comes in with our son. I will need help with child care and he will just say no. The issue is when he says no and I say no.... He won't give. He literally could care less about problem solving. So I always give in... Because its best for our son. I'm a responsible mom and I worry about him and where he is. My husband has no problem pawning him off on whomever he can get and won't care(in a pinch) if the person feeds him... Watches him closely etc. 

So in that area I'm still an enabler. I will never sacrifice my son just to prove a point. 



turnera said:


> Look up Financial Peace University.
> 
> So what are you doing to stop enabling him?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look into setting up a neighborhood co-op where you all take turns watching each other's kids and earn credits for when you need help.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I spent a great deal of time tonight reading about co dependency. Wow. It absolutely defines me and partly defines him. I feel quite screwed up and reading all of that. 

How does one recover from that? I believe it's why I constantly want the knowledge that I'd have a "back up" if I split from my husband

My mother was clearly co dependent ...VERY severe.. Just like me. AND I am a sex abuse victim. Talk about being a textbook for screwed up... My picture should be next to the definition. 

How does one recover? And is it possible to recover while married? 




turnera said:


> Look into setting up a neighborhood co-op where you all take turns watching each other's kids and earn credits for when you need help.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

One has to cut out the cancer of codependancy. It takes acceptance of your emotions, allowing ourselves the ability to acknowledge our own feelings, and detaching from the situation, itself. Many codependants attend a support group, preforming their own version of the twelve steps.

I believe anything is recoverable when you are married. For myself, I had to create boundaries. I had to examine my childhood and come to the fact that my mother was a toxic parent. I had to give myself permission to think on my own, too.

As with anything, hard work (and therapy) will triumph over it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Do you love him?

Do you really love him?

I know you're just relaying the circumstances of your situation to give us understanding, but nothing I've read here says that you love him. The closest you came was you're "codependant".


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

It's a very good question that I don't think I can answer. How do I know for sure? I sat down last night and started writing out all the issues and all the things I have done or thought and realized I am not without blame either. I think I have some very valid concerns about my husband but I have mentally placed an x over his head since we were dating. He was so mean at times I would complain to my parents and/or friends about him. I don't think I have truly looked at him fairly and respectfully as my partner. And that scares me. That is my fault and that is on me. And it's been that way for 11-12 years. My parents used to complain about h to me and I think I would do the same to them. 

In fact, I don't know how often i have given him a fair shot. I think I just expect him to fail me and unfortunately he typically does. Recently when he was out of work I started writing erotica. I was writing romance and he suggested erotica because they are shorter and more bang for the buck. So I reluctantly agreed, but said NO one can know. I could lose my job! So I found out he told my coworker behind my back. So now that I'm writing another book I've considered making him sign a document that forbids him from discussing it and getting income from it if we
split. Problem is that's a HORRIBLE thing to have to do in a marriage. 
So how do I know if I truly love him? I care about his well being but I don't think I am in love with him. Can that change?



sinnister said:


> Do you love him?
> 
> Do you really love him?
> 
> I know you're just relaying the circumstances of your situation to give us understanding, but nothing I've read here says that you love him. The closest you came was you're "codependant".


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I went to therapy yesterday and all I talked the entire time about my childhood issues. I know it's all part of the process, but it's hard. I need answers now. I feel like I'm on the fence about leaving and if i don't press myself, I'm just going to fall back into denial. It's much easier to live with some even if you arent fully happy. 

The problem here is that now that I've started therapy my husband jumps into good behavior mode. Surprise dinners etc. he's been down this road many times before. I know his cycle. And he knows mine. But it def does influence me. Even though I know it shouldn't. But he will get ultra sweet... I will feel guilt and remorse and stop therapy. The path of least resistance. 

This just isn't easy after 11 years of marriage and a beautiful child. 





questionme2 said:


> It's a very good question that I don't think I can answer. How do I know for sure? I sat down last night and started writing out all the issues and all the things I have done or thought and realized I am not without blame either. I think I have some very valid concerns about my husband but I have mentally placed an x over his head since we were dating. He was so mean at times I would complain to my parents and/or friends about him. I don't think I have truly looked at him fairly and respectfully as my partner. And that scares me. That is my fault and that is on me. And it's been that way for 11-12 years. My parents used to complain about h to me and I think I would do the same to them.
> 
> In fact, I don't know how often i have given him a fair shot. I think I just expect him to fail me and unfortunately he typically does. Recently when he was out of work I started writing erotica. I was writing romance and he suggested erotica because they are shorter and more bang for the buck. So I reluctantly agreed, but said NO one can know. I could lose my job! So I found out he told my coworker behind my back. So now that I'm writing another book I've considered making him sign a document that forbids him from discussing it and getting income from it if we
> split. Problem is that's a HORRIBLE thing to have to do in a marriage.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> The problem here is that now that I've started therapy my husband jumps into good behavior mode. Surprise dinners etc. he's been down this road many times before. I know his cycle. And he knows mine. But it def does influence me.


Does it help to realize that his surprise dinners are a TOOL that he uses to MOLD you? There is no love of you in that. There is only self-preservation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Therapy doesn't fix things fast, I hope you realize that. You will likely talk about your FOO issues for a LONG time, to be able to get out from under what it did to you.

Ask your IC to also give you some steps to take to protect yourself in your marriage, not fixes, just steps. That will help stabilize you so you don't feel like you're drowning. Steps like 'if I see him using his phone, I will ask him to stop.'


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