# Nostalgic thoughts holding me back



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Guys and gals,

So with legal divorce papers imminent and a total lack of contact with the WW since final papers were signed (around 2 months ago) and total lack of contact for 6 months prior to that, I find myself with some sexual and some nostalgic thoughts about my marriage.

To remind you, my wife had a PA and EA with an ex-partner about 15 months ago after we were married for 8 years and together for 11. Prior to finding about the affair, I thought things were good, I loved her dearly but I couldn't figure out why I was a bit depressed all the time. It turns out it was due to unmet emotional needs (communication) with my wife.

I have been with the current GF for 8 months now and on the weekend I invited her to move in with me.

My thinking is that as the pain of the cheating and separation diminishes, there is likely to be some element of sexual and nostalgic thinking about the past. Sexually, I found her body amazing and I do have to say I miss that.

I am kicking myself, telling myself to stop thinking about that **** and focus on my future. I try to think about the ****ty things she did to me to make them go away but I find it hard to focus on those times, like I have blocked them out?

These thoughts do affect how I am feeling with my current GF (felt a bit numb, disconnected last night). But we talked about it a bit and that helped. I am glad we can talk about that sort of thing. I am paranoid that these thoughts will continue to disrupt my life and hold me back in the future and distract me from being truly in love with my GF.

Has anyone had the same?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Be careful about committing yourself too soon in a new relationship...well I guess it is too late for that advice. But be aware that these relationships that come quickly after a split often do not make it over the long term. Chances are you were feeling particularly needy when you met her and things went a bit too quickly. You were not over your ex and your marriage. But feelings toward the ex as far as being nostalgic are not unusual, as obviously there were good times and some good reasons why you married in the first place.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I do agree with Jane that it's quite soon to be in a serious new relationship. Be careful with that. I truly believe that after divorce (which is a VERY traumatic experience), an individual needs time and space to re-center and focus on being happy on their own. Only when you are happy with YOURSELF on your own, should you invite another person to become part of your life.

That being said - I have experienced what you have. Am separated and have found myself missing him (especially our intimate life). Missing the shared memories I had with him, the good times. I also try to remind myself of all the reasons why we are separated in the first place...and why we continue to be separated. That is also a very important one! Why are you still separated/divorced? Focus on that.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I do agree with Jane that it's quite soon to be in a serious new relationship. Be careful with that. I truly believe that after divorce (which is a VERY traumatic experience), an individual needs time and space to re-center and focus on being happy on their own. Only when you are happy with YOURSELF on your own, should you invite another person to become part of your life.
> 
> That being said - I have experienced what you have. Am separated and have found myself missing him (especially our intimate life). Missing the shared memories I had with him, the good times. I also try to remind myself of all the reasons why we are separated in the first place...and why we continue to be separated. That is also a very important one! Why are you still separated/divorced? Focus on that.


Yes I'm fully aware I as in a relationship too early. It definitely held me back, but with weekly counselling I was still able to make great progress as a person an individual.

I am definitely more independent and do not consider myself reliant on my new GF. In fact to the point that it almost seems like I'm not feeling how I should toward her.

I suppose the 11 year fantasy I had for who I thought my wife was very powerful. Accepting that love for a partner should not be a dependent, drug like fantasy is quite difficult to get used to and to accept.

I have been questioning my decision to ask her to move in and I continue to re-assure myself that I wouldn't have asked if there wasn't something genuine and long lasting there. We have all to healthy characteristics of a very good relationship, and despite me still not considering her the most physically attractive person in the world, she is an amazing person with a fantastic personality and someone I have fantastic chemistry with and great sex. 

The reality is we can't all be 10's.

The funny thing is that i used to consider my wife a 10, but since then many of my mates have fessed up and said they didn't think she was all that attractive. Skinny, sure, but not even a 8-9.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

If you're already questioning your decision to ask her to move in, I would seriously consider whether you really want her to - if you're already thinking negative things about her attractiveness, that seems like it might be an issue eventually, especially if you are having nostalgic thoughts about your wife.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> If you're already questioning your decision to ask her to move in, I would seriously consider whether you really want her to - if you're already thinking negative things about her attractiveness, that seems like it might be an issue eventually, especially if you are having nostalgic thoughts about your wife.


I'm starting to think you might be right about that.

Perhaps I just need some space for a while to get my head straight. It all seems to be happening very quickly.

It just seems rather shallow that I would end a relationship because she is "only" a 7 and everything else is great. I have questioned her looks all along and it is a cause of great stress in me.

I just want to love the person on the outside the same way I love the person on the inside.

What the heck is wrong with me. I'm over all this bull**** from the past affecting me.

I think of my EX a lot these days.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

poida said:


> I'm starting to think you might be right about that.
> 
> Perhaps I just need some space for a while to get my head straight. It all seems to be happening very quickly.
> 
> ...


Be honest with yourself. It's not just because you think she's a 7. If you are thinking about your ex in the way you describe, you're not really over her. You owe it to yourself and to your new girlfriend to be in the relationship. Since that isn't really the case, do her the courtesy of being honest about your doubts about this step. 

Side note: I may be way out of line here, but you might want to consider avoiding rating women like a side of beef. Not because it will offend people, because this is a safe place and you should be able to speak your mind. But because you're not really seeing her as a person when you do things like that. The important thing isn't whether other guys find her to be a 10 in looks, it's whether YOU find her attractive and whether you have a genuine connection. It seems like you're not really out of your old relationship emotionally before you entered a new one. No judgment, we all get lonely. But if I'm right and that's what this is, you could seriously hurt her by letting this drag on when you know you have doubts.


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