# In Need of Advice!



## coalesce (Aug 22, 2011)

So to explain a little bit here goes: I met my husband in 2003. we dated a while, moved into together in 2004. We moved around several times and settled down in our current home around mid 2007 in which we were married in dec 2007. we are each others first and only sexual partners. sex was great at first. we recently had a child born in dec 2009. my husband was still in college when we met. he had several jobs that lasted short periods of time. he was workin 2 jobs when we got married. i have held a job since i was 16. i worked 2 jobs from the time i got out of high school til i became pregnant. when we found out i was pregnant my husband left his job for a job he thought would be better but didnt work out so he has been unemployed since. since our child has been in the picture our marriage has gone downhill. he loves our child and says he loves me but makes any excuse he can not to find a job or to have any positive input as far as the house goes. true he does stay home with our child while i work but he knows we both have friends that are more than willing to keep our child while we work. the problem i mostly have right now is this: now i have tried talking to him as well as his parents and some of my family; i work 37+ hours a week sometimes even 50 a week. i have told my husband many times that i wouldnt have such a problem with him not working if he would atleast keep up the house. I go to work week in week out, i pay all the bills every month in which im paying out more than im bringin in. i never have a moment to myself except for this very minute that i am typing now in which i found this forum over a month ago and am just now getting a chance to seek help. he is at a neighbors letting me sleep in since i worked alot of long days this past week. anytime we go anywhere shopping or wherever if he sees something he wants i buy it to keep him happy even though i have to sacrifice something i want or need. 

Basically the problem is this: I go to work every week and get as many hours as possible to make ends meet. I pay all the bill, do all the laundry, dishes, cleaning house, yardwork, home repairs, shopping, etc and his only concern ever is sex! He says sex is something a couple should enjoy! I agree but shouldn't taking care of the family and other areas of the home or relationship be just as important. Why should i do all the work and then lay down to please him and only him when its all about him every time. His subtle sly comments do not make me want him anymore either. I have done research on other sites and been reading a couple of marriage counseling book trying to figure out what i need to do. I just dont know anymore. i am sick of him and all i want is the best for our child. any questions or advice?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

The resentment in your words is palpable. 

You have a part to play in this. With the examples you're giving, they all have a similar theme: you're giving everything, you're the one sacrificing. While this might have started out in a loving way and with you meeting responsibilities, it's time to stop being the victim in this (ouch, sounds harsh I know) and stop the way you're behaving with him. If you go shopping together and you want/need something at the same time that he does, then it's time to express and then BOTH of you need to work out priorities between you. This applies to the housework too. While he's the one at home, it's time to work out together which duties he gets done during the day. If he doesn't do the tasks, just leave it. Let the dishes pile up for a few days if needed. However you both need to work this out between you. He needs a wake-up call. Don't nag him but lay out for him that if this is going to continue he needs to step up with certain house-hold duties (while being realistic with recognizing the fact that most of his day will be looking after your child), OR it's time he found a job outside the home.

And the main benefit to him, besides being a responsible adult and doing what needs to be done for his family, is your resentment will slowly begin to dissipate. You might begin respecting him again. You'll probably even want to have sex with him again. This isn't about him doing the laundry in exchange for intimacy, this is about him showing respect to you and your family, doing what needs to be done as an adult, and then by default, chances are he'll become more desirable in your eyes again. 

First though, you need to observe your own behavior and begin changing the way you interact with him. Then take some time to sit down and work out between you what needs to change. Sex is important in the relationship but he's naive if he thinks you'll still want him after you've been to work and then had to do most of the house-work on top of that. I'd be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed. I do also wonder if there's a chance he could have depression?

If you still love him or can fall back in love with him again, then give this your best shot. Things can be turned around for the better. It will take time, energy, some frustration, love and commitment to get there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I read a study once (for real) that said of a group of women polled that the act that most made them feel amorous towards their H was when they saw him doing housework. 

I know that sounds like a joke guys but that was for real. My take is that it tells a woman you care about THEM not just what they can do for you at night. 

Maybe thats why my W has never said no!


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## coalesce (Aug 22, 2011)

First of all thank you for the great response! Your words are very very encouraging. 

(If you go shopping together and you want/need something at the same time that he does, then it's time to express and then BOTH of you need to work out priorities between you) 

besides getting the things he wants or feels he needs, other than that the only one i make sure is most taken care of is our son! I have recently lost my appetite and only keep food in the house that will take care of our son. I make sure my husband has food while i am at work as well and i make sure they both have all the necessities but I do without to make sure my son is taken care of! My sons well being is one of my priorities even if i have to do without. My son will not be without. 

(This applies to the housework too. While he's the one at home, it's time to work out together which duties he gets done during the day. If he doesn't do the tasks, just leave it. Let the dishes pile up for a few days if needed. However you both need to work this out between you. He needs a wake-up call. Don't nag him but lay out for him that if this is going to continue he needs to step up with certain house-hold duties (while being realistic with recognizing the fact that most of his day will be looking after your child), OR it's time he found a job outside the home.)

I made a schedule and list of tasks several months ago for the both of us to share household responsibilites. I tried to make it even and as fair as possible. We discussed it as I drew up the plan and he was on board. It didnt even last a whole week. I even took on more than half of the load because I knew our son could be a handful for his age at the time. He will wash the laundry but always forgets to put them in the dryer then i have to rewash the clothes and when he does remember to put them in the dryer he never puts any of them away until i go to fold them and work on putting them up, then he joins in to help. The dishes! Well, they pile up all the time when i am work. i have left them a couple days hoping he would eventually do it but I end up coming home a couple days later from a long shift and doing it myself. 

(OR it's time he found a job outside the home.)

His parents and I both have tried to get him to find a job. His excuse is normally that he doesnt want a dead end job. I keep telling him he has to start somewhere and work his way up the way I did. Something, Anything is better than NOthing. 

(isn't about him doing the laundry in exchange for intimacy, )

We had an open discussion with his mother not long after our son was born and he brought up the fact that he felt he didnt get enough sex! I told him then of the fact that he was not working, not doing things around the house that sometimes i am too tired to be intimate and he made it seem then that if I gave him sex he would do all these things. So i tested the theory and gave him sex every day sometimes twice a day for a month even when i really didnt want to or didnt feel like it and nothing got done! I held my tongue the whole month and when the month was over I sat him down and he was defensive, in denial, acted like there was no problem.


(I do also wonder if there's a chance he could have depression?)

We have also pondered this as well! We finally talked him into going to a counselor several months back for that and anger mgmt since he seemed angry a bit. He went a couple of times so he says and quit going cause he said it didnt seem to help that the guy he was seeing sat there eating chips only asking questions. I told him they have to ask questions to find out information to help with his assesment and work from there. I told him that it wasnt going to be something they could fix overnight that he had to have input that they couldnt magically fix him. 

(If you still love him or can fall back in love with him again, then give this your best shot. Things can be turned around for the better. It will take time, energy, some frustration, love and commitment to get there. )

I feel I do still love him. I want to make this marriage work at all costs. I want what is best for our son. I just feel as if I am the only one trying to make it work. He won't listen to reason. His excuse for everything is "I don't Know". How do I engage his interest positively to working on our relationship without it all leading back to his want for just sex everytime?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

coalesce said:


> I feel I do still love him. I want to make this marriage work at all costs. I want what is best for our son. I just feel as if I am the only one trying to make it work. He won't listen to reason. His excuse for everything is "I don't Know". How do I engage his interest positively to working on our relationship without it all leading back to his want for just sex everytime?


I'm not sure what 'wanting to make this marriage work at all costs' means. This should be a two-way street. Usually it takes one person to put their best foot forward but the other person then needs to reciprocate and help to improve things also. 

While I agree that your son is your priority, it's important that you eat healthily as much as possible - nutrients for your body. You won't be doing your son any favors if you become unwell. Food helps fuel the body as well as the mind. Please take care of yourself. Demonstrate to your H that you respect yourself and deserve to be treated well. 

Your husband's response of "I don't know" well, he does know and doesn't want to express it for whatever reason or he could be depressed. You asked how to engage him? I'm not sure. I'm just a random on the internet. I guess though, if you come from a place of love and wanting to work on your marriage (not criticize him), that might be a good place to start. Either that or give him a big wake-up call. I don't mean threaten to leave because I think that can cause a lot of hurt that is hard to undo if things improve, but he does need to face himself and what he's doing to the marriage - just as you need to do the same. When those dishes weren't done and it was part of his duties, then as hard as it might be, you need to leave them. Or maybe put a sticky note on them "Wash me! " .....It would concern me that having a few days worth of dishes could pile up without it bothering him. Usually this sounds like the behaviors of someone in a depressed/unmotivated state. 

I do wonder though, if you show affection and give time to one another in other ways? Do you thank each other for what you currently do? I hope you can both work through this. Good luck!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

oh and also, I'd advice against using sex as an experiment. Neither of you should be using it as a bargaining tool. Sex and being intimate is just that. It's a way of bonding. 

There is probably a cycle happening here. You're worn out, feel like you're the one sacrificing and by the sounds of it, don't respect your H. He wants to be close to you, aches to be sexual with you, sex life isn't where he wants it be and then perhaps loses motivation with other things you want from him. If he feels your with-holding from him, this might be his way of with-holding from you. You can start changing your part of this cycle by the way you interact with him. You might find he then (it will take time) in turn begins to change his behavior too and then perhaps the cycle can start to break. Start with respecting yourself and showing him what you expect and deserve.


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## coalesce (Aug 22, 2011)

(I do wonder though, if you show affection and give time to one another in other ways? Do you thank each other for what you currently do? I hope you can both work through this. Good luck!)

Well, we do go to the movies just the two of us on saturdays when his mom is in town and is keeping our son for the night. As far as thanking!! He only thanks me if he benefits from whatever it is and I do thank him when he does do something but its kind of hard if he never does anything to help out. 

(You can start changing your part of this cycle by the way you interact with him.)

From an outsider looking in! What part should I change? Doing it all? Who else or how else are things supposed to get done? I can't wait forever for him to decide! I don't want to end up getting roaches from the dishes piling up! If i don't work and pay all the bills then love or sex isn't going to pay the bills!


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