# If it’s not spontaneous I SUCK!



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

So the problem is simple but frustrating, If my husband and I have any form of planned sex then I completely suck. Whether it be an actual plan” or just a “have sex later?” Request from him, it Never goes great. I’m a classic over thinker and if I know it’s coming I CANNOT shut my brain off an just go with it and it’s completely noticeable, distracting and oh so boring 😩 I get nervous and jittery and act like a total spaz .But we have 3 kids, one of which is just 7 WEEKS old so it’s hard to just be spontaneous with a tiny infant constantly attached to my boobs. Is there any solution to this? Or am I stuck with passionless sex until my kids are old enough to be out of the house on their own 😭 Help a wife out!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Saibasu said:


> So the problem is simple but frustrating, If my husband and I have any form of planned sex then I completely suck. Whether it be an actual plan” or just a “have sex later?” Request from him, it Never goes great. I’m a classic over thinker and if I know it’s coming I CANNOT shut my brain off an just go with it and it’s completely noticeable, distracting and oh so boring 😩 I get nervous and jittery and act like a total spaz .But we have 3 kids, one of which is just 7 WEEKS old so it’s hard to just be spontaneous with a tiny infant constantly attached to my boobs. Is there any solution to this? Or am I stuck with passionless sex until my kids are old enough to be out of the house on their own 😭 Help a wife out!


You realize how many men would love to have post-kid wives looking for spontaneous sex? 

What is it about "planned" sex that requires it be "oh so boring"? What would happen if you planned "themed" sex? Or what it you had a bag-o-tricks you could pull things from each time? 

As for the 7 week old hanging off a boob, that still leaves the other, right?

I don't have answers here because my own experience at that time was that I was lucky to get boring sex.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Awww....you’re cute.

Lovely young new mommy who wants to have passionate sex with her hubby.

Hey just tell him. Tell him that you don’t know why but if it’s not spontaneous you aren’t into it.

Tell him to please surprise you or just take you.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Awww....you’re cute.
> 
> Lovely young new mommy who wants to have passionate sex with her hubby.
> 
> ...


There’s Is absolutely nothing cute about feeling bad in bed after recently having a child, my emotions are all over the place currently and I’m having a lot of real anxiety and shame over this. I have told him explicitly how I’m feeling but it’s damn near impossible to get a minute alone at the moment.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> You realize how many men would love to have post-kid wives looking for spontaneous sex?
> 
> What is it about "planned" sex that requires it be "oh so boring"? What would happen if you planned "themed" sex? Or what it you had a bag-o-tricks you could pull things from each time?
> 
> ...


I make it boring. I’m literally jittery and chatty, which is ridiculous but it’s like I’m unable to calm down for some reason. I apologized for being ridiculous 20 times DURING intercourse. Jesus ****ing Christ I irritated the **** out of myself. I have anxiety issues and apparently they are off the charts at the moment.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Awww....you’re cute.
> 
> Lovely young new mommy who wants to have passionate sex with her hubby.
> 
> ...


I got told that. I wasn't told the rest of the story. It's never spontaneous.

Anyhow, Best and most spontaneous sex in our marital history was during those years. #1 stop worrying about what a kid is going to hear. because what that kid is going to hear is parents that love each other.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> I make it boring. I’m literally jittery and chatty, which is ridiculous but it’s like I’m unable to calm down for some reason. I apologized for being ridiculous 20 times DURING intercourse. Jesus ****ing Christ I irritated the **** out of myself. I have anxiety issues and apparently they are off the charts at the moment.


sounds like you are having some post-partum hormone shift thingy. Been there. just believe that it will pass. 

Let me ask you honestly. Does HE notice or comment on your inability to calm down, your chattiness, your anxiety etc? 

You say that you irritate the F out of yourself. Does he get irritated?

Chances are he's just glad to be with you. He probably doesn't even notice. 

Talk to your doc, midwife a post-partum clinic. They may be able to offer suggestions/help


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> I make it boring. I’m literally jittery and chatty, which is ridiculous but it’s like I’m unable to calm down for some reason. I apologized for being ridiculous 20 times DURING intercourse. Jesus ****ing Christ I irritated the **** out of myself. I have anxiety issues and apparently they are off the charts at the moment.


i BET you that your husband doesn't think it's boring. I bet he doesn't mind that your are chatty during this.
STOP apologizing. If it's planned, YOU should be thinking ahead of time how great the sex is going to be -- you actually get to do it instead of kids, craziness, mundane life, etc.. interfering. Visualize what you want to do (I bet your husband is!!!). Big breath, calm down, and let him get you in the mood. HAVE FUN with it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This is your nervousness. Why? Do you worry about your looks? Don't. Do you worry about discomfort? That can be remedied. Do you worry about another pregnancy this soon? That can surely be averted? Figure out the source of your reactions and all should improve. 

Right now, while there are demanding kids, your husband needs assurance that he is important to you. 

I'd have given anything if my ex had wanted to have sex with me--but he preferred porn and strip clubs. Because I liked sex, he thought I must be 'cheap.' or words I can't use here.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Hello there, just wondering, have you talked to him about this? He may have no idea because as you may be aware, sometimes we males are not the greatest thinkers when it comes to sex and feelings. 

I would suggest you talk to him and let him know about your anxiety, he may be able to calm you down prior to and help you ease your way into it.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > I make it boring. I’m literally jittery and chatty, which is ridiculous but it’s like I’m unable to calm down for some reason. I apologized for being ridiculous 20 times DURING intercourse. Jesus ****ing Christ I irritated the **** out of myself. I have anxiety issues and apparently they are off the charts at the moment.
> ...


Yes he notices because I've brought so much attention to it through apologizing. This in turn makes it feel weird because he doesn't like making me feel uncomfortable. He truly is a great partner and tried to help me feel at ease. I'm just a post-partum mess


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

i BET you that your husband doesn't think it's boring. I bet he doesn't mind that your are chatty during this.
STOP apologizing. If it's planned, YOU should be thinking ahead of time how great the sex is going to be -- you actually get to do it instead of kids, craziness, mundane life, etc.. interfering. Visualize what you want to do (I bet your husband is!!!). Big breath, calm down, and let him get you in the mood. HAVE FUN with it.[/QUOTE]

No he doesn't mind that I'm chatty, he is a really supportive guy who tries to make.me.deel secure when we are having any type of sex issues over the years and he swears he still enjoys it and he does seem to, but I can tell my anxiety is affecting it of course. I'm going to try and do what you said and make myself think about it before it happens to try and excite myself past the nerves! Ugh this is all so frustrating.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> This is your nervousness. Why? Do you worry about your looks? Don't. Do you worry about discomfort? That can be remedied. Do you worry about another pregnancy this soon? That can surely be averted? Figure out the source of your reactions and all should improve.
> 
> Right now, while there are demanding kids, your husband needs assurance that he is important to you.
> 
> I'd have given anything if my ex had wanted to have sex with me--but he preferred porn and strip clubs. Because I liked sex, he thought I must be 'cheap.' or words I can't use here.


Yes it is 100% my issue. I am feeling very self conscious right now and it's distracting to say the least. And I am still a little tender/sore inside but nothing major of course since it still feels good! 

I also really hope he knows how important he is to me, I'm not a quiet person and tell him/show him regularly how much me means to me, and I honestly mean it too, the man's my best friend. 

I'm sorry your ex was such a POS


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Oldtimer said:


> Hello there, just wondering, have you talked to him about this? He may have no idea because as you may be aware, sometimes we males are not the greatest thinkers when it comes to sex and feelings.
> 
> I would suggest you talk to him and let him know about your anxiety, he may be able to calm you down prior to and help you ease your way into it.


After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.


You want sex be spontaneous?
Waking your husband up with an early morning blowjob would be spontaneous. 
And I’m not kidding.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.


You've got a great partner, and you communicate.
The more i read the more it sounds like a passing thing to me. Hormones are a b*tch. Any woman who has survived menopause (try 10 YEARS of that bull****) will tell you that. 
Your partner is understanding and is probably just happy that you are still interested in making love.
Ride it out (or him if you prefer!) 
This too shall pass.
You got this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Saibasu said:


> There’s Is absolutely nothing cute about feeling bad in bed after recently having a child, my emotions are all over the place currently and I’m having a lot of real anxiety and shame over this. I have told him explicitly how I’m feeling but it’s damn near impossible to get a minute alone at the moment.


Not bei g a smart butt, but if almost impossible to get a minute alone, how does spontaneous work as well as you mentioned?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Spontaneous. Well, tough to come up with an endless list, but the shower ought to work once in a while? Just drag him in? Or maybe just the bathroom itself for a quickie, while the kids are under control? Think of the ways you might have found as teenagers to get in some action in your parent's home. I really think you've got something to work with here, something to make life exciting. You're positioned way ahead of most couples. So to speak.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, Is you sex drive low?
Do you have genuine desire for sex?
Genuine desire cannot be negotiated, or bargained for.

So is it really spontaneous sex or low desire?
Do you mean when he initiates or you initiate?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think thats the right approach! Don't be shy about telling him more if he doesn't quite get it right immediately - it may not be as obvious to him what you mean. Meanwhile ask him what he wants. 




Saibasu said:


> After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I felt a lot of anxiety during my pregnancy and postpartum days. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to calm down!! And that everything is going to be ok!

If your husband is supportive why are you worrying so much? Every parent knows how crazy things are after having a baby. 

My advice to you is to relax and go with the flow untill you and your family get into a routine. Don't worry about being spontaneous or not. I'm sure thats last thing on your husband's mind. 

My husband loved my postpartum body. He and the baby looooved my breastfeeding boobs! Lol!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

The way I look at it, I’m focused on giving my W pleasure. I need her to focus on receiving pleasure. I realize it might be difficult but it’s important. Worrying about how you look, taste, smell, etc will just make his job harder.

Many times she’ll apologize that it’s going to take a long time for her to orgasm. I understand the desire to communicate that but once should be enough. Then relax and see what happens.

Also, ask H if he’s okay with passionless sex. He might say sex is like pizza - there’s no bad pizza. Then you can calm down and relax.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Saibasu said:


> There’s Is absolutely nothing cute about feeling bad in bed after recently having a child, my emotions are all over the place currently and I’m having a lot of real anxiety and shame over this. I have told him explicitly how I’m feeling but it’s damn near impossible to get a minute alone at the moment.


I am terribly sorry if my tone came across as anything other than genuine. I really meant you are a dear, a lovely young wife, and that your concern for making your sex life with him good was sweet. I was trying to be encouraging. Sorry if I was off track.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Saibasu said:


> So the problem is simple but frustrating, If my husband and I have any form of planned sex then I completely suck. Whether it be an actual plan” or just a “have sex later?” Request from him, it Never goes great. I’m a classic over thinker and if I know it’s coming I CANNOT shut my brain off an just go with it and it’s completely noticeable, distracting and oh so boring 😩 I get nervous and jittery and act like a total spaz .But we have 3 kids, one of which is just 7 WEEKS old so it’s hard to just be spontaneous with a tiny infant constantly attached to my boobs. Is there any solution to this? Or am I stuck with passionless sex until my kids are old enough to be out of the house on their own 😭 Help a wife out!


Remember having to wait 6 weeks after first baby. Was worried about my size down below. 

I think it is better to plan more than to plan less. When waiting knowing it is going to happen, it is good to mentally plan what I like to do that day.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Are you having any other post partum symptoms? Sadness, depression, irritability, increased anxiety about other stuff too? If yes, I’d call your doctor and get screened for post partum depression. 

My only other advise would be to remember that like all stages of parenthood, this too shall pass. 

*hugs*

ETA: I don’t like scheduled sex either!!!


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.
> ...


This actually has some merit once the baby starts sleeping more! Right now he'd rather the extra snooze! But it still could help start things up!


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > After last night's debacle I sat him down to explain why Im acting so weird in there. He knows me very well and could tell something was up almost immediately (or so he claims). He's been my rock through my anxiety over the years. He said all the right things to help me feel better about the situation so I'm hoping the next time goes better. Fingers crossed I can let lose a little more to really enjoy myself, I'm over-ready to get back the my normal self.
> ...


I hope your right and this is just a hormone issue that resolves itself in time. Meanwhile I feel very blessed to have the partner I do!


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > There’s Is absolutely nothing cute about feeling bad in bed after recently having a child, my emotions are all over the place currently and I’m having a lot of real anxiety and shame over this. I have told him explicitly how I’m feeling but it’s damn near impossible to get a minute alone at the moment.
> ...


It doesn't. Which is the problem. There seems to be almost no room for surprise sex. We never planned it out in advance before so I didn't realize I was going to be so weird about it and apparently I need that factor to function freely.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Spontaneous. Well, tough to come up with an endless list, but the shower ought to work once in a while? Just drag him in? Or maybe just the bathroom itself for a quickie, while the kids are under control? Think of the ways you might have found as teenagers to get in some action in your parent's home. I really think you've got something to work with here, something to make life exciting. You're positioned way ahead of most couples. So to speak.


Hmm.. that's an interesting way to look at it. Try to think like a teenager! Lord knows I used to get up to some stuff. I like this idea, seems like it could be a good bit of fun too.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> OP, Is you sex drive low?
> Do you have genuine desire for sex?
> Genuine desire cannot be negotiated, or bargained for.
> 
> ...


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> There seems to be almost no room for surprise sex. We never planned it out in advance before so I didn't realize I was going to be so weird about it and apparently I need that factor to function freely.


Didn’t you go on dates when you “knew” it was going to happen on Friday night?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> I felt a lot of anxiety during my pregnancy and postpartum days. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to calm down!! And that everything is going to be ok!
> 
> If your husband is supportive why are you worrying so much? Every parent knows how crazy things are after having a baby.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this, made me chuckle. I really do need to try and calm down about all of this I know I'm making it something. And my husband certainly approves of the even larger breasts lol


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

In the past - pre kids - did you both have spontaneous sex? If so, how did it work out, feel before?

I'm just guessing here but with a new child I'm sure you are still going through body changes as noted above plus the fact that you need to adjust to a new schedule with everyone in the family now.

Its surprising how much time a little body can take from your day.


If the both of you are ok with this phase, then just enjoy what you can and look forward to a time when things go back to "normal".


Good luck


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Saibasu said:


> This actually has some merit once the baby starts sleeping more! Right now he'd rather the extra snooze! But it still could help start things up!


Yay, I get to use this cartoon and it's on topic. 

I hope it's just hormones and that they work themselves out quickly. Post menopause my wife is exactly the opposite, she has said she needs to know in advance. We've had a standing Sunday afternoon "date" for 20 years, so we're not exactly new at scheduling It works for us. Good luck.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > There seems to be almost no room for surprise sex. We never planned it out in advance before so I didn't realize I was going to be so weird about it and apparently I need that factor to function freely.
> ...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > This actually has some merit once the baby starts sleeping more! Right now he'd rather the extra snooze! But it still could help start things up!
> ...





That cartoon is fantastic. 

And thanks for the advice, here's hoping my hormones get their **** together.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> Is there any solution to this? Or am I stuck with passionless sex until my kids are old enough to be out of the house on their own 😭 Help a wife out!


This is a good thread and deserves some attention (sorry I missed it). There are a tremendous amount of benefits to scheduling intimacy, but a huge problem is that both husband and wife can show up to the bedroom with zero arousal and be like, "OK I guess we just need to make this work!" ...and initially it can feel awkward and completely absent of passion with zero sparks. 

*In my experience when intimacy is scheduled, you have to allow for about 45 minutes to unwind, talk about your day, and establish an emotional connection.* This works best if you both are almost nude (just bra and underwear that leaves something to the imagination) and there is a lot of skin to skin contact to help you feel close to one another. During this time the focus should be 100% on nonsexual intimacy of just back rubs, holding each other, eye contact, and intent listening to one another. DO NOT even try to have sex during this time. Instead try to enjoy feeling close to one another emotionally. Also use this time to relax, feel comfortable with each other, and let go of any anxiety. 

Then @Saibasu if it helps to transition the mood, ask your husband what things about you make him attracted to you. Ask him to describe previous intimate experiences with you and what he liked about them. Ask him to describe the sensations in detail. Ask him to describe parts of intimacy that he might want to try and slow them down so it can last longer. Then tease him that he wouldn't be able to handle that and that he wouldn't be able to last ten seconds. ...at some point sparks will fly! Big ones!!!!

....and then you have the ingredients you need to make it happen!!!!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > Saibasu said:
> ...


Scheduling date night is a good thing. But I meant before you married, as a couple. Most couples when they’re dating will go on a date knowing that it will very likely end with sex. So while it’s not technically scheduled, and it’s technically “spontaneous,” you both know what’s going to happen.

(This is usually brought up when a couple says they don’t want to schedule sex because it will take the fun out of it. You remind them that they had fun going on dates with each other knowing it would end with sex, so this shouldn’t be any different.)


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> Scheduling date night is a good thing. But I meant before you married, as a couple. Most couples when they’re dating will go on a date knowing that it will very likely end with sex. So while it’s not technically scheduled, and it’s technically “spontaneous,” you both know what’s going to happen.
> 
> (This is usually brought up when a couple says they don’t want to schedule sex because it will take the fun out of it. You remind them that they had fun going on dates with each other knowing it would end with sex, so this shouldn’t be any different.)


We didn't date either, not really. He was my best friend, and one night one thing just lead to another. But there was no real courtship 🤨 We had sex first THEN started a romantic relationship. I was only 16 at the time (MANY moons ago!)


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> This is a good thread and deserves some attention (sorry I missed it). There are a tremendous amount of benefits to scheduling intimacy, but a huge problem is that both husband and wife can show up to the bedroom with zero arousal and be like, "OK I guess we just need to make this work!" ...and initially it can feel awkward and completely absent of passion with zero sparks.
> 
> *In my experience when intimacy is scheduled, you have to allow for about 45 minutes to unwind, talk about your day, and establish an emotional connection.* This works best if you both are almost nude (just bra and underwear that leaves something to the imagination) and there is a lot of skin to skin contact to help you feel close to one another. During this time the focus should be 100% on nonsexual intimacy of just back rubs, holding each other, eye contact, and intent listening to one another. DO NOT even try to have sex during this time. Instead try to enjoy feeling close to one another emotionally. Also use this time to relax, feel comfortable with each other, and let go of any anxiety.
> 
> ...


I really like the idea of the almost naked together time. I actually think that would help me calm down quite well, I will definitely try this next time!! It should give my kind ample time to adjust to a more naturally intimate setting instead of "kids are asleep, let's go before the baby wakes up!" Going to have a talk with the other half about it!


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Agree with badsanta that how you are approaching things may hold the key. If there's an expectation that you will just dive in and be "on" at the scheduled time, then I think almost anyone could find that awkward. "Scheduled" and "quickie" may not be compatible if what you really need is time to decompress and feel close. 

Or maybe you need to change up the foreplay pattern. If focusing on him at first is more in line with your brain's default baby/task-oriented mode, maybe go with that until you realize, "hey, that's kinda hot" and can shift gears. Conversely, perhaps receiving a massage/bath/whatever from him would be a good transitional experience for you.

I'd try switching up with one of those options instead of pushing thru awkwardness. Nice, considerate partners can still be dismayed by non-sexual chattiness, self-deprecation, apologies etc. -- it isn't comfortable to proceed when you have the sense that something's wrong with the other person, and so the self-doubt can become contagious.

Of course, all these things inevitably require more time, which is likely in short supply. Nevertheless, if you can contrive a few longer breaks at the outset and rack up a few early successes, you might relax and become more "efficient" time-wise after the routine is established.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> I really like the idea of the almost naked together time. I actually think that would help me calm down quite well, I will definitely try this next time!! It should give my kind ample time to adjust to a more naturally intimate setting instead of *"kids are asleep, let's go before the baby wakes up!"* Going to have a talk with the other half about it!


When my wife and I had serious debates over intimacy she offered to increase frequency if it was limited to just a quickie here and there. The idea is that it would allow for sex without interrupting the daily schedule and planning for everything. I gave it a try and ended up having mixed feelings. To be honest I feel like quickies are OK when all is well in the relationship and one person has gotta have it, but not so OK if things are emotionally disconnected and scheduled. If you don't establish an emotional connection a quickie can kind of feel like a hurried episode of assisted mutual masturbation that was initiated without anyone even being in the mood. 

Instead of quickies, you might be able replace that time with a playful tease to help build anticipation for when you do have a moment to really spend quality time together in the near future. This can also backfire and add to performance anxiety in the event one of you gets nervous or uncomfortable with scheduled sex. So only do it if you really enjoy his engines of desire being supercharged and really wanting you come time for the big event. As for my wife that sometimes makes her uncomfortable (particularly if we have been emotionally distant recently) because I will be ready to go and she often needs time to even get anywhere near being in the mood. If that happens she gets anxiety and everything shuts down, closes, goes out of business, and tumbleweeds go bouncing across the bed and slam into my erection.

That's life...

Badsanta


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> When my wife and I had serious debates over intimacy she offered to increase frequency if it was limited to just a quickie here and there. The idea is that it would allow for sex without interrupting the daily schedule and planning for everything. I gave it a try and ended up having mixed feelings. To be honest I feel like quickies are OK when all is well in the relationship and one person has gotta have it, but not so OK if things are emotionally disconnected and scheduled. If you don't establish an emotional connection a quickie can kind of feel like a hurried episode of assisted mutual masturbation that was initiated without anyone even being in the mood.
> 
> Instead of quickies, you might be able replace that time with a playful tease to help build anticipation for when you do have a moment to really spend quality time together in the near future. This can also backfire and add to performance anxiety in the event one of you gets nervous or uncomfortable with scheduled sex. So only do it if you really enjoy his engines of desire being supercharged and really wanting you come time for the big event. As for my wife that sometimes makes her uncomfortable (particularly if we have been emotionally distant recently) because I will be ready to go and she often needs time to even get anywhere near being in the mood. If that happens she gets anxiety and everything shuts down, closes, goes out of business, and tumbleweeds go bouncing across the bed and slam into my erection.
> 
> ...


I resonate with how your wife acts if she doesn't have time to rev up and get more into the mood! I shut down quickly too as my anxiety usually takes over. Thankfully our marriage is doing quite well for the last while so at least I'm able to feel comfortable when things are a little odd. I really appreciate all the advice. I'm rather interested in the Whole tease him throughout the day scenario but Id worry that I'll get performance anxiety. Normally I'd never have to be concerned about it as I'm a sexual person, but these postpartum hormones are wicked...


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

You just had a baby, this is normal. I think you’re just having some anxiety about whether your husband still desires you or feels attracted to you after the baby, mixed with hormones etc. I would just keep trying, and give it some time, tell your husband how you are feeling and do get in the spontaneous sex when you can to rebuild your confidence.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

maree said:


> You just had a baby, this is normal. I think you’re just having some anxiety about whether your husband still desires you or feels attracted to you after the baby, mixed with hormones etc. I would just keep trying, and give it some time, tell your husband how you are feeling and do get in the spontaneous sex when you can to rebuild your confidence.




I'm pretty sure this is also part of it. It's our third child together, so of course my mind is wandering to the "used and abused" state of my ladybits. 

He swears it feels great and that I'm overthinking things. 

I swear I feel wide as the Grand canyon.

Though, he still seems to enjoy himself so I'm wondering if I'm still just not healed enough for sensation to be returned fully? It was a difficult birth.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Saibasu said:


> I'm pretty sure this is also part of it. It's our third child together, so of course my mind is wandering to the "used and abused" state of my ladybits.
> 
> He swears it feels great and that I'm overthinking things.
> 
> ...


Maybe you were too tight before the kids? If he swears it feels great, what else matters? Regarding what you feel, could be that it takes a while for your lady parts to return to normal in terms of feeling. Nothing to do with size, but maybe your nerve endings need time to recalibrate. They might be thinking another submarine might be coming through, instead of just a torpedo.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Saibasu said:


> I'm pretty sure this is also part of it. It's our third child together, so of course my mind is wandering to the "used and abused" state of my ladybits.
> 
> He swears it feels great and that I'm overthinking things.
> 
> ...


 @Saibasu, I am 57yo and had 7 kids, so trust me when I say that I have concern over the "used and abused" state of ladybits! Been there, done that, earned the t-shirt! LOL :wink2:

Here's the way I think of it: yes I baby came through there and things stretched. To you and me, it feels different than pre-baby because it's our body and we know what it used to feel like to us "before." It's my understanding that the area is pretty elastic and able to rebound fairly well, and that a person can do Kegels to help strengthen that area again, but still...to us it feel no longer the same. In addition, during deliver there are nerves that are messed up or areas that are cut or torn that also don't feel the same. Shoot I had a c-section and afterward if you touch me above the scar I feel it below the scar! LOL Those nerves are really goofed up (but it's my tummy so I don't worry about that per se during sex). 

But to our men--it may or may not feel all that much different. Further, to them it may even look fairly much the same! I mean, even with lights on and a close, close inspect, they are still seeing stuff they want to see...and feeling stuff they want to feel! I swear to God, it makes no sense to me because inside me it feels different, but the long story short is that I have the body I have, and my hubby loves it. So I figured, okay... he seems alright with it, so I will be too. 

I'm sure the pre-baby body and the post-many-babies body is rounder and softer, but you know that's not a bad thing. Think how lovely that must feel to hug and cuddle! And think of how he looks at the little tummy or stretch marks and thinks, "That lady and I made a BABY out of our love!" That's cool. So a little reminder of something that awesome isn't a bad thing either. 

We are mommies...and we are also lovers.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @Saibasu, I am 57yo and had 7 kids, so trust me when I say that I have concern over the "used and abused" state of ladybits! Been there, done that, earned the t-shirt! LOL :wink2:
> 
> Here's the way I think of it: yes I baby came through there and things stretched. To you and me, it feels different than pre-baby because it's our body and we know what it used to feel like to us "before." It's my understanding that the area is pretty elastic and able to rebound fairly well, and that a person can do Kegels to help strengthen that area again, but still...to us it feel no longer the same. In addition, during deliver there are nerves that are messed up or areas that are cut or torn that also don't feel the same. Shoot I had a c-section and afterward if you touch me above the scar I feel it below the scar! LOL Those nerves are really goofed up (but it's my tummy so I don't worry about that per se during sex).
> 
> ...


I was under the impression that you had birthed two children and your late husband had brought 5 children into the marriage.:scratchhead:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yes just to be clear, I had one son via natural childbirth, one via c-section 2 months early, and Dear Hubby had five so that we were raising my two and his five. Since I'm just 4 ft .10in tall, my bod was affected, and the lack of privacy or time for spontaneity definitely resonates Our kids were stairsteps: his oldest two, my oldest, his middle son, my youngest son, his youngest son...and then our princess.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> I'm pretty sure this is also part of it. It's our third child together, so of course my mind is wandering to the "used and abused" state of my ladybits.
> 
> He swears it feels great and that I'm overthinking things.
> 
> ...


I've come across other similar discussions where a wife feels self conscious down there after birth, and all the respective husbands unanimously claim to have no problems or concerns. The primary topics that seem to impact marital intimacy after childbirth are postpartum depression and/or loss of libido. 

From a husband's point of view, the notion of a wife that feels uncomfortable with her ladybits come time for intimacy can lead to performance anxiety and erection difficulties. This creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy where you could have some serious issues to contend with and try to solve. This is because many men measure the health of their marriage based on the quality of sexual chemistry. If a problem is encountered, he will try to fix it desperately. But if you feel uncomfortable with yourself you may perceive that as if he is struggling to enjoy himself (when he is struggling to please you). It creates an ugly downward spiral....

If this is happening try to be open and honest about how you are feeling. Try relaxing by spending more time with nonsexual intimacy without trying to arouse each other. If anything you may want to ask your husband to avoid your erogenous zones completely even during foreplay to prevent from numbing things by over stimulating. One of my wife's friends biggest complaint is that her husband's hand goes straight to her nipples and into her vagina during foreplay in a way that feels very uncomfortable and annoying. 

Less is more! It all happens in the mind. You have to want it first. Then he has to make you beg!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Dave25 (May 24, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> So the problem is simple but frustrating, If my husband and I have any form of planned sex then I completely suck. Whether it be an actual plan” or just a “have sex later?” Request from him, it Never goes great. I’m a classic over thinker and if I know it’s coming I CANNOT shut my brain off an just go with it and it’s completely noticeable, distracting and oh so boring 😩 I get nervous and jittery and act like a total spaz .But we have 3 kids, one of which is just 7 WEEKS old so it’s hard to just be spontaneous with a tiny infant constantly attached to my boobs. Is there any solution to this? Or am I stuck with passionless sex until my kids are old enough to be out of the house on their own 😭 Help a wife out!


It's always going to be a challenge with children around, but many coupled do it. We frequently know when we are going to have intimacy ahead of time, and that is not a problem for us. If anything, there is something exciting about looking forward to the act, and of course thinking about it before hand, which can build up to it. I often think about what's coming throughout the day, which I enjoy. 

We all need a way to stop thinking about our work and about distractions, even just for the sake of relaxing. I find just focusing my mind and energy on the act lets me forget many other things. Having a quiet and undisturbed place also helps. 

Dave


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