# Wife's Behavior



## Noah (May 15, 2013)

Hey Guys,

I've read this site a few times regarding one issue or another over the years but never felt the need to register. I hate to be the guy who signs up and asks a question - but I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm new to the area we jut moved to, have fewer friends than I would like to admit and those I have aren't personal enough to discuss this.

It's a tad long but it's important to share the story to expect solid opinions on the matter, right?

Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated.

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My wife and I have been dating for 5 years and married for a little over 1 year now. Our relationship began as a long distance one while she attended college out of state and progressed into something very special. We're blessed that we haven't ran into any serious issues or fights in 5 years, that we have the same life plans, that we have terrific sex and are incredibly understanding with one another.

That was until about 5 months ago when things changed, her decision making changed and she started making - for a lack of a better word - "mistakes."

The first time I noticed a change in how she acted was when she met a guy through co-workers at a lounge. They exchanged number, no biggie, but proceeded to text consistently. Everything was always platonic, but I am talking texting until 3am and starting again at 8am about playing darts, about his life and how they need to hang out again. No biggie, just a new friendship she put an abnormal amount of effort into.

The first time she upset me was when she went out to the lounge with friends for "a few hours." That turned into a few more and eventually I got a text at 3am that she was leaving soon. At 5am, another text about how she wasn't feeling good and would lay down. Finally she returned home at 7am after "napping on the couch" while the new friend, coincidently the bartender, closed shop. The hours posted have the place closed at 3am but people always stay a little later - but 7am?

I expressed how disappointed I was, how it looked from my point of view and took her word that things were platonic. She helped matters by giving me her phone to see that all texts were platonic and that he had even gone out of his way to say he "didn't want to be that guy". I let it go, everyone makes mistakes and at least she didn't drive home drunk.

A few more minor issues occured here and there from sending a picture to a male friend about how good her butt looked(I took the picture a day earlier of her sleeping with her bare butt exposed) to her one night going out with her girl friends only to find out "they didn't go" and that she ended up throwing darts with the bartender at a bar until 3am.

By this time, I was trusting her decisions a little less and growing tired of what was an extension of her going through a 2 year process of - frankly - growing up. I was reaching the limits of my patience with her taking advantage of my trust and accepting personality; and not taking responsibility for her decisions, ever.

Then the actual boiling point.

Last night I picked up my wife's phone to tell her what her friend had text her back with about their plans for the night. To my surprise, it wasn't her friend but a male co-worker talking about sex. I opened the actual conversation, obviously disturbed, and found that they had been texting off and on for a few weeks - mostly in a sexual tone.

The conversation was about his "conquests" and how attractive she thought it was that he called them "trophies."

Now I understand being attracted to someone else and I even understand if a young woman is tempted by someone she is attracted to and curious about him sexually. I get that girls are curious if the "stud" is really a "stud" and all that jazz. I also know that she wouldn't risk our life plans. She's incredibly smart and overly interested in our future, our eventual kids, our careers, our lives. I trust that such a discussion is just female sexuality, curiosity and a crush.

He's a friend at work she's told me about. I knew that he was her type physically, that he was funny and that they flirted some. That's fine, it's part of life.

What disturbed me more was that she expressed to him:

"I don't want to sound terrible or weird but in a different life position I would date you so hard lol".

She added with that "You're exactly what I like. Your looks/views/opinions are exactly my type. I'd so date you."

I understand a girl needs her space, that she makes her own decisions, that girls flirt, that crushes are often uncontrollable and that you will be attracted(even fantasize) about others in a marriage. I'm pretty understandable. She probably would date him if I was never in the picture, that's not a big deal. I'd probably have dated some of my co-workers. I get all that.

What I don't know is if saying something like that is acceptable as a wife? Based on how I feel emotionally, it feels incredibly disrespectful to me. I feel it's one thing to have a crush and to flirt and it's entirely different to basically open yourself up as an option to a male co-worker.

Furthermore, the way she stated it was as if he was the kind of guy she desired - not the one she ended up with.

It caught me by surprise, it created a ton of insecurity about her feelings towards me and him and angered me that she'd be so disrespectful to me as her husband. I know that she'd be uneasy if I even texted girls, let alone about sex and she'd go crazy if I told another girl the same.

The last 5 months have been exhausting and we've talked enough about each issue that it's to the point that I don't want to hear her say "sorry" and take no responsibility, only to have another incident.

I'm wondering - Am I being unrealistic? Do I have an altered point of view on the events and so I see them only as he making "mistakes"? Is it acceptable for a wife to tell a male friend what she said, to talk about sex with him, to stay out until 7am at a bar that closes at 3, to send a questionable picture to a different friend iliciting "i want to bite that" responses, to act as if all of that's just normal?

Five months ago we were the gold standard of a relationship to our friends and family. Now I am online trying to find piece of mind somehow.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Absolutely all unacceptable behaviors for a married woman and yes, completely disrespectful to you. 

RED FLAGS everywhere in your post. Others will be here soon to tell you exactly what to do. I am in no position to offer you advice but to tell you I had an EA. And that my friend is what your wife is doing. Could be PA since she is out partying with the man in question. My EA was with an old flame 5 driving hours away. Never saw him. 

Good luck.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Did you realize how many times you typed the phrase "I'm understandable"? Sorry for being blunt but this makes you pretty much a doormat and that's why she's being disrespectful of you and your feelings.
You're more understandable than you should be because you don't know where and how to draw the line she shouldn't cross. This lowers her respect and attraction for you. Starting from those late night text with the other guy to the "he's my type" phrase.

She's at least in an emotional affair and she's about to step out if you don't be a man and tell her to respect your boundaries. But you gotta do it in a manly, confident, cold way. I'm afraid you lack it because you might have the "nice guy syndrome". 

You'll get tons of good advice if you ask mods to send this thread to the "Coping with infidelity" section.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Come on, what kind of man lets his wife go out until 7AM without him. Why were you not there with her? Why didn't you show up at 3AM when she didn't come home? Why are you being such a doormat?


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## Noah (May 15, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Did you realize how many times you typed the phrase "I'm understandable"? Sorry for being blunt but this makes you pretty much a doormat and that's why she's being disrespectful of you and your feelings.
> You're more understandable than you should be because you don't know where and how to draw the line she shouldn't cross. This lowers her respect and attraction for you. Starting from those late night text with the other guy to the "he's my type" phrase.
> 
> She's at least in an emotional affair and she's about to step out if you don't be a man and tell her to respect your boundaries. But you gotta do it in a manly, confident, cold way. I'm afraid you lack it because you might have the "nice guy syndrome".
> ...


I get that and I did notice I was writing it quite a bit.

It's another reason I feel it's boiling over. I pride myself on being understanding of a lot of things. It takes a lot for me to get jealous, to overreact or to get frazzled. That's with her and with work. Heck, I coach high school football. I'd say it's in my blood to have patience and poise.

Eventually though, you realize you're getting walked over and it's not going to fly anymore. That's why I am taking a moment to ask - well, strangers - their advice. Kind of my quiet before the storm haha. 

I'm sure I come across as a nice guy in that thread but throughout our relationship it's well known that I have been the rock. I've been the unwavering leader of everything in our relationship, I have dropped the hammer on a number of things that needed to be addressed and at least she's acted like it's an attractive quality in me that I know what I want and I get after it.

So ya, I do get that side of it.

I've certainly given her far more rope than she deserves and maybe that's been counterproductive.


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## Noah (May 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Come on, what kind of man lets his wife go out until 7AM without him. Why were you not there with her? Why didn't you show up at 3AM when she didn't come home? Why are you being such a doormat?


That's fair.

I was asleep by the time she was going out. When you feel you have a good amount of trust, you don't think she's not going to be there when you wake up at 6:30 haha.

The following day was eventful. She was scared out of her mind that I was going to leave her and I let it be known that I wouldn't be dealing with that same problem twice.

Apparently the message didn't fit - because you're right, I am becoming a doormat with everything that has happened since.

You never know what to do though when, after 4 years, it's the first time she's done something outrageous. Do you end your marriage after one incident? You stick it through right? That's what marriage is, through thick and thin. Maybe I handled it incorrectly.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life.

And lay down the m-f-ing law with your wife. Now, before it's too late.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Who told you it was the right thing to be so understanding when it comes to other males and your woman.???

What you see as understanding she sees as weak. No matter what she says. 
In her mind you are allowing these men to share her with you and that makes you a wittol. 

She's demonstrated that she cannot be trusted with a long leash and with male friends. 

Women will always respond better if you demonstrate a little caveman. Doormats are a turnoff.

Anyway, she's probably cheated so you need to decide how much you respect yourself. 

Oh yeah, Do not have a child with this woman.!!!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Both of you have only been married one year, and she's walking all over you with these numerous guys , giving them " signals" and acting like a loose woman without any boundaries.

I would suggest that you seriously reconsider your marriage.
She is acting extremely immature and entitled and there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix her.

In any event, you need to work on / fix yourself , so that you would make a better choice in women ,next time.


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## Noah (May 15, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life.
> 
> And lay down the m-f-ing law with your wife. Now, before it's too late.


Wow. It looks like I am a nice guy.

Thank you for this. Thanks to the above posters too, a little tough love don't hurt.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Noah said:


> My wife and I have been dating for 5 years and married for a little over 1 year now. Our relationship began as a long distance one while she attended college out of state and progressed into something very special. _You're sure she wasn't hiding some behaviors when you first started dating due to the distance?!?!_
> 
> We're blessed that we haven't ran into any serious issues or fights in 5 years, that we have the same life plans.
> _You sure now that you're finally hitting those problems you are 'so blessed/lucky'!?! I say that because fighting is not always so bad, if you do it right and find new ways to move past or resolve problems early on._
> ...



You need to work with facts. 
IMHO Marriage works best being "open *(NO SERCERTS!)*, honest, and respectful.
These 3 simple things help foster an atmosphere conducive to allow ANY relationship to be fruitful... If you do not start and hold all three qualities, then that relationship will have MAJOR problems. I am sorry that anybody has to be here in CWI. That's where you 2 seem to be headed.

I have no other real specific advice. I can only give a few of my personal favorite quotes I try to live by;

1- Actions speaks louder than words
2- If you can NOT learn from history, then you are DOOMED to repeat it
3- Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, which is why we call it PRESENT_ (corny line from Kung-Fu Panada yes I know, but still)_
4- DAD! Albert Einstein was really really REALLY smart... Oh yeah!! Well, if he is SO smart then how come he's dead!?!? _(Yes I love Homer Simpson)_
5- IF in doubt about love look this up in the bible
"1 Corinthians 13:1-13" _(in different versions love and charity are used inter~changeably)_

Good Luck!


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

You probably already got this idea from what others said, but I just want to say I agree that your wife has gone too far with her involvement with the other guy. The behavior you described has no place in a trustful and loving relationship you have. There is certainly a desperate need for change!

I can relate to your wife's behavior because not too long ago I allowed myself to fall into an emotional affair whirlwind, despite also having an outstanding marriage. The affair was with my ex, and also included texting every day. I remember distinctly how consumed I became and how poor was my judgment. Things did turn around when I honestly talked with my husband about this issue, and, like you, he was understanding, but firm. Among many supportive things, he told me I need to stop talking with the other guy for the sake of everything that we have. I chose to stop and very soon got back to what I always felt wife entails - giving 100% of affection and love to your spouse. 

I think this is the best she could do - cut this out to regain a clear head and that devotion she had for you all these years. It sounds like she values your relationship, deep in her heart, yet she is carried away by the constant rekindling of feelings for the other guy. I appreciate how my husband showed kindness and patience, but only you can know how much of this you should show at this point. She should realize that what she might think is an innocent affair can truly destroy your gold standard relationship. I hope she can remember why you came together, and I believe she could gain strength from you during this hard time. But she really needs to cut everything lose with whoever she talks to!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello Noah, 

It is a good idea to get outside opinions to solve a problem. 

You've gotten good advice to handle the situation quickly, before it gets worse. 

For yourself, how about you take the quiz on this site and see where you stand. Even strong guys can be too nice, to their own detriment. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Here is a read.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Apologize to her for being a jealous Neanderthal and encourage her to go out with her friends to this "lounge" she goes to to troll for strange men. Then put a PI on her tail, then serve her along with a copy of the video.

This isn't going to turn out well. Just end it now. No kids? Easy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

None of this behavor is acceptable.
It is all "BIGGIES"...
Where did you learn what a married woman is supposed to do?
Your ideas about what is acceptable are way off. None of this is acceptable.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I only needed to read half of this to know your wife is having an affair. 

She sent a pic of her a$$ to someone and you did NOTHING? Goes out at night and arrives back at 7am? And you do nothing. 

Your wife is doing these things because you're letting her get away with it! You need to stop being a pushover. 

I'm guessing she doesn't know that you know about these texts. You need to get a VAR and put it in her car. Don't say anything to her. Forward those texts to yourself too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Noah, your wife is in an open marriage. How about you?


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

*Red Flags! All the way, HERE! *It's already an *EA* and *most likely a PA *as she has stayed out all night. You need to take charge of this *NOW!* She's is creating a new *emotional connection* by spending time with the OM, *using words that are meant for YOU and ONLY YOU, but it’s with the OM, while still married to YOU.* *Disrespecting YOU* and her marriage *VOWS*, *she needs reminding of her VOWS! * 



> "I don't want to sound terrible or weird but in a different life position I would date you so hard lol".
> 
> She added with that "You're exactly what I like. Your looks/views/opinions are exactly my type. I'd so date you."


You sound slightly okay with what she is doing, kind of like a *DOORMAT husband *(Sorry! *Does that HURT?*) Well guess what, what *YOUR* wife is doing is called *cheating and p1ss1ng on your marriage and you seem worried! * *REALLY!*

*Where are your boundaries when it comes to your marriage of what is acceptable? *

From your words they seem pretty weak to me.

You are on the verge of losing your *BEST FRIEND AND WIFE TO ANOTHER MAN - MAN-UP!*

FTP


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Noah said:


> Everything was always platonic, but I am talking texting until 3am and starting again at 8am about playing darts, about his life and how they need to hang out again. No biggie, just a new friendship she put an abnormal amount of effort into.


You're wrong. It's a biggie. Women don't text friends until 3AM. They text boyfriends until 3AM. Your wife has a boyfriend. And you've told her it's OK with you. That's a spectacular failure on your part.



> The first time she upset me was when she went out to the lounge with friends for "a few hours." That turned into a few more and eventually I got a text at 3am that she was leaving soon. At 5am, another text about how she wasn't feeling good and would lay down. Finally she returned home at 7am after "napping on the couch" while the new friend, coincidently the bartender, closed shop. The hours posted have the place closed at 3am but people always stay a little later - but 7am?


So, your wife's boyfriend is the bartender at her favorite pub? And she stayed with him for 4 hours after closing time? That's called a date. Your wife went on a date (an overnight date) with another man. There's really only one reason a woman is with a man all night long. They weren't playing cards.



> I expressed how disappointed I was, how it looked from my point of view and took her word that things were platonic.


That's your second spectacular failure. Your wife went on an overnight date with her new boyfriend and you accepted her word that you should be OK with it.



> She helped matters by giving me her phone to see that all texts were platonic and that he had even gone out of his way to say he "didn't want to be that guy".


First, she cleaned up the bad texts. I'm assuming her phone has a delete button. Second, the fact that her boyfriend texted that he "didn't want to be that guy" means that sex is in the air. You wouldn't text that to a woman unless sex was on the table, or had already been accomplished. Why would you let that go?



> A few more minor issues occured here and there from sending a picture to a male friend about how good her butt looked(I took the picture a day earlier of her sleeping with her bare butt exposed) to her one night going out with her girl friends only to find out "they didn't go" and that she ended up throwing darts with the bartender at a bar until 3am.


Your wife is sending partially nude pictures to her new boyfriend? At what point are you going to get upset about this?



> Last night I picked up my wife's phone to tell her what her friend had text her back with about their plans for the night. To my surprise, it wasn't her friend but a male co-worker talking about sex. I opened the actual conversation, obviously disturbed, and found that they had been texting off and on for a few weeks - mostly in a sexual tone.


So, your wife is lying to you about who she is texting. Innocent people don't lie about what they're doing. She just didn't want you to know that she was texting her boyfriend about their plans for the night. Although, I don't know why she was worried.



> I also know that she wouldn't risk our life plans. She's incredibly smart and overly interested in our future, our eventual kids, our careers, our lives. I trust that such a discussion is just female sexuality, curiosity and a crush.


You're adorable. Do you also trust that the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus are real?

Your wife is dating another man. She is having sex with him. She may not want to divorce you, but that doesn't mean that she's been faithful to you.



> He's a friend at work she's told me about.


So this is a different man from the bartender? Well, I suppose you were so understanding about her first boyfriend she felt entitled to go get another.



> I knew that he was her type physically, that he was funny and that they flirted some. That's fine, it's part of life.


Correction. It's a part of single life. It's not a part of married life. At least, it's not part of my married life.



> What disturbed me more was that she expressed to him:
> 
> "I don't want to sound terrible or weird but in a different life position I would date you so hard lol".
> 
> She added with that "You're exactly what I like. Your looks/views/opinions are exactly my type. I'd so date you."


Your wife is going after this guy HARD!!! When she wrote, "in a different life position," that means "after I get rid of my husband." She means that, once you're out of the picture, she wants to be all over this other man. Sorry, dude. Your wife is interviewing potential replacements for you.



> I understand a girl needs her space, that she makes her own decisions, ...


A married woman needing her space means she goes to the movies, or book club, with her girlfriends. It doesn't mean that she gets to be on her knees in a bar at 5AM.



> What I don't know is if saying something like that is acceptable as a wife? Based on how I feel emotionally, it feels incredibly disrespectful to me. I feel it's one thing to have a crush and to flirt and it's entirely different to basically open yourself up as an option to a male co-worker.


Well, I guess you have to decide that for yourself. If you want the kind of marriage where your wife bangs other men, then congratulation, you're already there. If you want your wife to forsake all others, then you need to try again.



> The last 5 months have been exhausting and we've talked enough about each issue that it's to the point that I don't want to hear her say "sorry" and take no responsibility, only to have another incident.


Yeah, the time for talking is over. It's time for action. You either need to shut up and accept being a cuckold, or file for divorce. There's really no middle ground here. Ordinarily, I would say investigate. But your wife has been throwing this in your face for months. Most cheating wives just guard their phones and work late once or twice a week. You need to investigate those. Your wife is openly dating other men.

With no kids in the picture, I say you're young. Accept that you married a skank, get rid of her, and move on with your life.

Good luck.


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