# Help... feeling terrible



## mk2020 (Jan 6, 2021)

Me and my wife have been married for about four and a half years now and have a two year old. We have been having one ongoing issue which has been driving me nuts and it is this - I am not great at giving surprise gifts while for her it is everything. On her first birthday after we got married she was expecting something right after waking up in the morning but I got something for her around lunch time and it was nominal - a cake and some flowers. We had a huge argument later that day - she basically started questioning my love for her and our marriage, accusing me of being cheap. In my defense, I did what I knew while she was comparing this with what she saw her female friends get who, btw, made every effort to highlight how little she got in comparison to what their partners gave her. 

Then a month or so before our first anniversary, she started getting anxious. I remember her basically telling me she's seeing all her friends on Instagram getting a grand experience from their husbands and she's not sure what's going to happen. I made grand arrangements - a custom cake, dinner, photoshoots, a scrapbook of our one year memories, a short cruise and so on. The day comes around and she starts crying and getting mad at me again because she doesn't have anything good to wear for the photoshoot. Plus she now says I did all of this just to avoid an argument and not because I really liked her. 

Then half a year later her birthday rolls around, I have a gift for her and book a dinner together while also placing a request for a cake to be brought to our table without notice. The waiter turned out to be a a*hole - he basically came up to us after we sat and said "should I just bring the cake now?" Surprise spoiled. And guess what - right next to us we had another party of four who had their waiter bring out a cake with candles without any prompting. WTF. We come home and have an argument till well past midnight. Basically she was expecting me to make up for it somehow without her prompting her and I had no idea how. Basically she would drop a hint and then when I tried to do something she would get angry and threaten me not to do it because it's no longer a surprise. Then, I would do nothing and she would get pissed again dropping a hint. Imagine this loop continuing for half a dozen times.

Fast forward 4 years and I can recount a dozen occasions like the one above. It has now gotten to a point where I am dammed if I do or don't If I don't I don't give her surprises and if I do, it's because she asked me to, because I want to avoid arguments and not because I love her. Once it was a real surprise, but then she looked up the price of the gift and started complaining it wasn't expensive enough. Once when I ordered something from amazon, she received a notification because she has her number listed on the account as well and that spoiled the surprise. So next time, I create a new account and order something she said she wanted. When she got it she said it was going to be that bracelet because she mentioned it before.. so no surprise. 

It has gotten to a point where she says she is now going to give me a last chance to give her a surprise to bring a closure to everything and I better not blow it. And the gift better be a heart stopping one. I am lost I don't know what to gift her which meets all of her expectations. There is now anticipation and tension in the air and it's only getting worse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She sounds like a spoiled monster. I have no advice.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ufff, that is hard.

A few words needed here where you call out this behaviour and be very firm and walk off.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So. she is wrecking your marriage over surprise presents? Entitled much? She sounds pretty spoiled.
It wasn't your fault the waiter blew it -- so why did YOU have to bear the brunt of it?

I would tell her that this whole surprise present thing is getting ridiculous and is destroying the intimacy you have for her.
Nobody needs stress like this over a PRESENT for God's sake.

It's not like you forgot the dates or got her nothing.

What crazy wonderful thing did she get YOU for your birthdays or anniversaries?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Yeah, I have to agree here. She sounds spoiled rotten. She also seems immature, like she's playing games, specifically the "if he really loved me, he'd just know what to do" game. You can't read her mind, and most men don't do well with hints, since they think differently than women do.

I'm guessing her top love language is gifts, but she has unrealistic expectations.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The best surprise for her would be divorce papers ... that should be heart stopping enough for her.

Your wife is a biatch....

The problem is that you haven’t put her in her place. You haven’t seen anything yet... wait until your child is getting married!!!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I can’t relate to your wife at all, I wish everyone would forget my birthday and I could pretend I’m 30 something until I die.

Can you call one of her spoiled friend’s husbands and get some advice here? That’s so much pressure to put on a guy. I feel bad for you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Easy ones if you have cash are trips. Book a trip and don’t tell her. Get business class tickets and a five star hotel. To make it really surprising let her know she has only an hour to pack and you have a car showing up to take you to the airport. Hire a good car like a Lincoln town car not a generic Uber. Tell the hotel it is a surprise for your wife and they need to book a spa treatment for her and have it on the books already pre-taken care of. Have champagne waiting in the room.

If that doesn’t work I’d be shocked.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> Easy ones if you have cash are trips. Book a trip and don’t tell her. Get business class tickets and a five star hotel. To make it really surprising let her know she has only an hour to pack and you have a car showing up to take you to the airport. Hire a good car like a Lincoln town car not a generic Uber. Tell the hotel it is a surprise for your wife and they need to book a spa treatment for her and have it on the books already pre-taken care of. Have champagne waiting in the room.
> 
> If that doesn’t work I’d be shocked.


Why, why should he play into her game?

Honestly, she sounds like some crazy, twisted, malevolent queen. 

Why should that be rewarded with a TRIP?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

mk2020 said:


> It has gotten to a point where she says she is now going to give me a last chance to give her a surprise to bring a closure to everything and I better not blow it. And the gift better be a heart stopping one. I am lost I don't know what to gift her which meets all of her expectations. There is now anticipation and tension in the air and it's only getting worse.


Bloody hell. 

While I was reading this, I just felt she's likely incredibly insecure to not be able to accept your loving gestures for what they are, and some fear that extends within her friend group of not being good enough. Almost like she needs convincing that she deserves this... I don't mean the surprises and gestures, I mean deserving of love. I wonder what her birthdays were like growing up? Whether she was made a fuss of, or if it was the complete opposite and she's looking for you to fill a void that's within her. Or perhaps she has lived in a bit of a bubble and these demands are a result of that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree not to be complicit in trying to put together an incredible surprise. I'd likely try to understand at a deeper level what this is really all about - or do you have insight to this already?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Curious... where you've had fall-outs, is she posting photos on instagram?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This has less to do with you, then her.
Obviously..

Her _inner critic_ is brutal and it lashes out at you.

@heartsbeating mentioned her childhood, I suspect this is where she learned this behavior. She did not receive much positive reinforcement (then) and it damaged her.

What was her mother like? Weak or very demanding?

Was her father absent?

She is extremely insecure and her *social anxiety is off the charts*.

Your wife is immature and is locked down by peer pressure. This is the stuff of adolescence.

She needs individual counseling, or she will suffer divorce at her own hands.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Why, why should he play into her game?





mk2020 said:


> I am lost I don't know what to gift her which meets all of her expectations.


Just trying to help him out here. Maybe her love language is receiving expensive surprise gifts. 

FWIW my wife absolutely hates surprise gifts and I like giving them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She needs to stop comparing her life to others and be thankful for what she has. I feel for you, what an entitled spoilt person she is. Trouble is that you married this hgh maintenance impossible to please woman and must have known what she was like.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would have just two words for your wife. 
The second word is “off”.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> Just trying to help him out here. Maybe her love language is receiving expensive surprise gifts.
> 
> FWIW my wife absolutely hates surprise gifts and I like giving them.


Who cares if she likes expensive surprise gifts? That " like" of hers doesn't excuse the absolute crap way she treats her husband (who is actually providing gifts-- it's not like he's not putting in thought and effort). 

She's got him dancing like a puppet on puppet strings, emotionally.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> The best surprise for her would be divorce papers ... that should be heart stopping enough for her.


FTW. My thought exactly.


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## mk2020 (Jan 6, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Easy ones if you have cash are trips. Book a trip and don’t tell her. Get business class tickets and a five star hotel. To make it really surprising let her know she has only an hour to pack and you have a car showing up to take you to the airport. Hire a good car like a Lincoln town car not a generic Uber. Tell the hotel it is a surprise for your wife and they need to book a spa treatment for her and have it on the books already pre-taken care of. Have champagne waiting in the room.
> 
> 
> 
> If that doesn’t work I’d be shocked.




This sounds like a good idea but there is also a good chance it ends up in disaster. Here's what can happen ... she'll complain there isn't enough time to get ready, that she doesn't have proper clothes. Without these the pictures won't come out good. Plus she has hormonal issues resulting in facial hair and without a visit to the spa the pics will be an absolute disaster. I remember we were once due to go on a long 500 mile road trip with me as the sole driver and I remember telling her I want to sleep early and well the evening before. She wakes me up at 9PM and insists we go wardrobe shopping because she doesn't have anything to wear (not true and even if it was, she should have acted the weekend prior). We fought long and hard until 1AM when we decided we'll just stop by the next morning before starting. Apparently she just wanted this assurance from me. 

Anyway, I want to make this work so I'll still try this out but it hurts me greatly when it ends up bitterly after all my efforts


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover and apply it. It’s a free pdf and short.

You are teaching her how she can treat you. Why in the hell would you keep rewarding her for bad behavior? It’ll just get you more of what you’ve been getting.

Stop doing the pick me dance.


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## mk2020 (Jan 6, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> This has less to do with you, then her.
> Obviously..
> 
> Her _inner critic_ is brutal and it lashes out at you.
> ...


You are absolutely correct .. not hard to guess, is it? In her family of origin, gossip is their bread and butter. To the extent that it sometimes gets disgusting. She remembers her dad berating her in front of visitors and family and putting her down and oftentimes praising her sibling. She remembers being very deprived and birthdays are a huge trigger for her. She once showed me a note she wrote to herself in eight grade basically saying how miserable her life was because tomorrow is her birthday and her mom's not gonna give any money for candies she could share with friends.

I always feel it takes two to tangle and there are issues on my part. My family is not big on gifts and surprises and it's no big deal for them. In fact, in my entire life I remember receiving gifts maybe 3 or 4 times for my birthday. On top of this I am socially pretty isolated and not in tune with what today's trends so when she tells me of all the nice things her female friends experience I am totally clueless. Apparently a simple card and flower does not suffice these days.. there's got to be a room full of balloons with crazy confessions that I am alive and well only because of her. And she can pull out Instagram posts to exemplify this. I am also not good at diffusing situations, I panic when there is an argument and can't calm her down or cheer her up .. all things I am working on. There are also occasions where I truly messed up (no cheating or anything of that sort, but forgotten occasions and surprises) and I have, in my opinion apologized profusely. That's not enough she says.

Right now, I just want to string together a drama free month so I get the space to work on these issues and get out of this stalemate. I am going to go counselling or therapy. She won't come because that'll fly in the face of a fairy tale married life that her friends are apparently experiencing. I am hoping to have someone to talk through all of these issues because I have no one else .. no parent, sibling or friends and dealing with this myself is killing me. My doctor has already mentioned that I am moving towards stress induced high blood pressure.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Good luck, you are a decent chap.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This is a horrible way to live, for both of you. There is no way to please this woman, so you might as well stop trying. Sure she won't like that but she's done it to herself. If anything, buy her some therapy sessions.

Okay not really but seriously, that is the gift she needs. Her childhood may explain why she behaves a certain way but it doesn't excuse it and it's up to her to change it.

She is completely unreasonable, and no, you don't have to go all out with Instragram worthy gifts and photoshoots and $1000 worth of balloons and fairy dust. The men married to those friends of hers are probably miserable too, or just as materialistic.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mk2020 said:


> This sounds like a good idea but there is also a good chance it ends up in disaster. Here's what can happen ... she'll complain there isn't enough time to get ready, that she doesn't have proper clothes. Without these the pictures won't come out good. Plus she has hormonal issues resulting in facial hair and without a visit to the spa the pics will be an absolute disaster. I remember we were once due to go on a long 500 mile road trip with me as the sole driver and I remember telling her I want to sleep early and well the evening before. She wakes me up at 9PM and insists we go wardrobe shopping because she doesn't have anything to wear (not true and even if it was, she should have acted the weekend prior). We fought long and hard until 1AM when we decided we'll just stop by the next morning before starting. Apparently she just wanted this assurance from me.
> 
> Anyway, I want to make this work so I'll still try this out but it hurts me greatly when it ends up bitterly after all my efforts


As long as you allow her to hold you hostage to her unhealthy emotional whims, nothing changes. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mk2020 said:


> I panic when there is an argument and can't calm her down or cheer her up .. all things I am working on.


Stop working on it. You're not responsible for calming her down or cheering her up. Quite honestly, if an argument starts, it would behoove you to walk away. Not every single time, but enough for her to get the clue that you're not engaging in this nonsense. Let her be responsible for her OWN reactions. And I'm speaking as a woman here, but you are enabling this sort of nonsense. Yep, it is beyond time for you to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are in dire need.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like the drama before the birthday and during isn’t even about the gifts at all, but some childhood pain seeping through.

I’d say she wants nothing at all and is actually pushing you away by creating a scene, because that’s what she knew growing up. Sounds pretty heartbreaking for a little kid to have her birthdays be this way, her family sound awful.

In any case, it’s not good for her to keep doing this to you. So best to talk it over and stop it all now.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I really feel for you OP. You must feel like nothing you do is right, and the problem your wife will have if she doesn't reign in her ridiculous behaviour, is that one day you'll simply stop trying. She really needs to understand this.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My thoughts are why did you chase after her in the first place? Were you not attracted to the "nice girl" who would have been happy to have a bouquet of flowers at lunch time? You had to chase hard after the lady you couldn't please. Now that you have her, how does it feel? Why are you not as willing to chase and please anymore?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She sounds immature beyond reason. I hope you're made of money, because if you're giving into this extravagance and you really don't have the money to be doing it, then you are foolish. She must have some low self worth to have to have something that she can gloat over with her friends to show that she's some kind of diva or something. I couldn't put up with this for a minute. I hate to see you waste more money but maybe you need to go to marriage counseling so you can talk this out before a counselor and get her to understand she's being a jerk.

You had to know this before marriage. Did you give her some reason to think that you were going to be more like a sugar daddy?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

+1 please if you don’t have the cash to do insane things like I suggested do not do it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

mk2020 said:


> This sounds like a good idea but there is also a good chance it ends up in disaster. Here's what can happen ... she'll complain there isn't enough time to get ready, that she doesn't have proper clothes. Without these the pictures won't come out good. Plus she has hormonal issues resulting in facial hair and without a visit to the spa the pics will be an absolute disaster. I remember we were once due to go on a long 500 mile road trip with me as the sole driver and I remember telling her I want to sleep early and well the evening before. She wakes me up at 9PM and insists we go wardrobe shopping because she doesn't have anything to wear (not true and even if it was, she should have acted the weekend prior). We fought long and hard until 1AM when we decided we'll just stop by the next morning before starting. Apparently she just wanted this assurance from me.
> 
> Anyway, I want to make this work so I'll still try this out but it hurts me greatly when it ends up bitterly after all my efforts


So of ALL the advice so far... you cling on to the ONE that suggests further bending over backwards, ass kissing, over the top one. 

No wonder you have the life and wife you do. Enjoy! Because at this point, you are willingly creating the monster she is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you let it go on this long I doubt your really going to do anything about it except complain to a bunch of internet strangers. No man who has any respect for himself would put up with that kind of behavior.

I bet she is a 7 and you are a 4 or 5 and you think you hit the hot jackpot. The only thing you hit is a life of misery.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Fretting over not getting the right gift is very telling of one's character. She's going to cause you a lot of misery in the upcoming years.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Entitled much


Was just thinking the same. 
I'd tell her to be happy with what she gets, or she can go marry somebody rich.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> The best surprise for her would be divorce papers ... that should be heart stopping enough for her.
> 
> Your wife is a biatch....
> 
> The problem is that you haven’t put her in her place. You haven’t seen anything yet... wait until your child is getting married!!!


😂😂


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

mk2020 said:


> Me and my wife have been married for about four and a half years now and have a two year old. We have been having one ongoing issue which has been driving me nuts and it is this - I am not great at giving surprise gifts while for her it is everything. On her first birthday after we got married she was expecting something right after waking up in the morning but I got something for her around lunch time and it was nominal - a cake and some flowers. We had a huge argument later that day - she basically started questioning my love for her and our marriage, accusing me of being cheap. In my defense, I did what I knew while she was comparing this with what she saw her female friends get who, btw, made every effort to highlight how little she got in comparison to what their partners gave her.
> 
> Then a month or so before our first anniversary, she started getting anxious. I remember her basically telling me she's seeing all her friends on Instagram getting a grand experience from their husbands and she's not sure what's going to happen. I made grand arrangements - a custom cake, dinner, photoshoots, a scrapbook of our one year memories, a short cruise and so on. The day comes around and she starts crying and getting mad at me again because she doesn't have anything good to wear for the photoshoot. Plus she now says I did all of this just to avoid an argument and not because I really liked her.
> 
> ...



Surprise her with divorce papers. Honestly, who needs this childishness in their lives?


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