# Honest thoughts appreciated!



## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

Hi,

I'm having a problem with my husband. We've been married for over 20 years. About 7 years ago my husband started drinking very heavily and went to rehab. It was a nightmare but we survived. We had separated for 9 months and he's been sober now for three years. Life has returned to relationship being really good! He's literally my best friend, treats me very well. I know he loves me.

But we've only had sex 1 time in those 3 years (long story). His mother died a month ago, very traumatic and now I found out recently that he's been checking out online sex chats and also sent an old girlfriend a note on Facebook. She sent him a mushy letter, wants to see him and tried to befriend him. He told her no, it would upset his wife but then he also said that he can't see her because he knows what would happen (ie: sex) but then gave her his private email addresses that I never see. She lives in another city across the country. I read all of this.

I'm very torn. We've had zero sex for a long time - and yes that has to change. I completely understand the desire for online porn. What I don't like is that he has checked sex CHAT sites and emailed the old girlfriend (reminds me of the behavior when drinking) He is extremely sexually frustrated - I get that though he's never really admitted it and is shy in that department.

BUT this does nothing to help repair our relationship and in fact sends it straight backwards. I know how much he loves me, he has never cheated nor have I but now unsure what to do? 

He did confess this all to me, but of course I had to catch him online for that to happen. Want to be realistic but not stupid! I've been trying to fix our sex life in the last month - but now this . . . ?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BlueClouds said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm having a problem with my husband. We've been married for over 20 years. About 7 years ago my husband started drinking very heavily and went to rehab. It was a nightmare but we survived. We had separated for 9 months and he's been sober now for three years. Life has returned to relationship being really good! He's literally my best friend, treats me very well. I know he loves me.
> 
> ...


Best freind is a start. Just not a marriage. I am going to assume this situation is very much his fault for argument sake. Now you can control only what you do so take my comments in this spirit. What have you done to increase the intimacy between you two? Of course he needs to be attractive to you. What would make you want to have sex with him? From that we can see how he needs to improve but again you can only carry your side of things.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

Honestly, I haven't done enough, though I have started giving him a little oral sex. He's very quiet about sex and has almost never initiated sex in our marriage. He did tell me a few weeks ago that he wanted to start having sex and honestly - I didn't respond. As I've gotten older, sex has gotten painful. And probably due to the addiction years which were hard emotionally and a huge turn off. He is handsome, in good physical shape, talented and successful.

I know - but downside is he's also not social with people outside of his job and really only wants to spend time with me. He's can be extremely private and withdrawn about his feelings. Hard to get him to talk about anything deep. 

I so appreciate your thoughts - I'm trying to see this as if a friend told me this about her husband, what would I say?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Sex chat & porn sites elimnate the pressure that real-life sexual intimacy can bring on when out of practice and/or not good at it.

Many people may say 'draw hard lines ' (which you will need to do, unfortunately - no old girlfriend, no more sex chat, full transparency to this 'secret' email + his cell phone), but I believe taking control in a loving, responsive, kind, considerate, caring, non-aggressive way could be a path to take regarding intimacy....


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

Wow, verbatim what he said last night "Sex chat & porn sites elimnate the pressure that real-life sexual intimacy can bring on when out of practice and/or not good at it." 

He's afraid of sex, afraid that he can't perform. When the drinking happened he was unable to perform and now is afraid that he still can't and will let me down. He doesn't have any confidence in that department, I know that. I can see it.

I also know you're right about rebuilding intimacy. I have to ask myself why I don't want to - and I guess it's because I've been so let down and harmed in the past few years - that I want to keep him at arms length. I don't want to get that close to him, in case he slips off the wagon again. But I can't do this forever, can I?

Life can sure be complicated, can't it?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is if you want to have a sexual relationship with your H. If you don't, then you have to ask, is it worth it to stay married then? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

If you DO want to have a sexual relationship with him, then my suggestion is that you offer to enjoy porn together. Lots of couples do it and it can be exhilarating. He will be in peak form because he is viewing a fantasy, but with you involved, reality is there too. Then you gradually wean off the porn and hopefully after awhile you won't need it at all.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

Thanks for the idea - but porn is not my thing. I would like to have a sex life with my husband BUT first I'd like to feel secure. Whenever I feel less secure ANY desire leaves and it takes time to come back. So far, when it does come back - he sabotages it. He does have a self-destructive element to his personality - we talk about that. 

Frankly, I don't care if he looks at porn. A lot of men, if not most (?), get turned on by it. I do though with intimacy connections like chatting or emailing. That goes further in my opinion . . . and worse the hiding of it. Doing things that are dishonest, hidden. Doesn't work for me. Makes me distrust him which is a huge turn-off. 

And of course right now he is devastated! I'm telling him to leave and go have his wild fantasies, I'll be fine. But he doesn't want to go. Why do something that he says he doesn't want? Men Are From Mars . . . ?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

LOL @ mars... maybe just boil it down to giving him a choice... you, still married, for real sex, with porn on his own and totally, only on his own IF he still needs it after xxx time working at it with you working at it with him... but not until the rest of the mandatories happen. Without those, you're out.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

This conversation has been so helpful me! Thank you everyone. It's made me put it all down on paper and listen to other people's opinions. Here's what I'm thinking - if I really look at it, it's been longer than 3 years. We're weren't having much sex before that while he was in recovery. Basically I have a marriage without sex. Great friends, lots of love - and no sex.

While maybe I can live with that - it's not healthy. My husband is younger than I am, and it's certainly not healthy for him. It's amazing that one of us hasn't had a full blown affair. I think we have to get this going - or it's going to be an ongoing struggle. It's a shame that I don't miss the sex, it leaves me without a lot of motivation to try. Our sex life was not very interesting when it basically ended. 

If I look at this objectively - this seems to be the only real answer. Don't you think?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is the beginning of addictive behavior that is taking the place of alcohol. Instead of using booze to cope with feelings, your husband is now using online sex chats to numb out and feel good. This is very troubling.

Is your husband in couseling? If not, I think he needs to continue to work on his issues and find a way to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. 

I would also suggest you getting your own counseling to discuss how you have enabled the relationship and possible co-dependency issues. 

Find a psychologist for therapy, as other kinds of therapists are often hit or miss. Good luck!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Blueclouds, he may need to see a doctor if he's having issues. It also may bennifit him to do some stuff for himself to make him feel better about himself. You could both do some stuff like hitting the gym. That has worked wonders for me and my wife...both in everyday spirit and the bedroom.

If he does not want to see a doctor about it, there are some mild (non steriod) supplements on the market that could give him a little boost in the bedroom. Check out some of the Estrogen blockers and Testosterone boosters on the market. But seeing a Dr is better. If he does have rather low Testosterone (happens with age) they can write a prescription for something more effective.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

I really appreciate what you are saying It-guy. I think you're right. When his work is busy - he's full of confidence, the moment it slows down, the insecurity of life arrives. There's a huge fear in him to even try to get intimate in reality - always has been. Zero confidence. It's obvious and we've talked about it. It's not a physical problem it's a mental one - which does make it a physical. The odd thing is - I know what needs to happen but I hesitate doing it. I've been stuck here for years. I have to ask myself why. I think this problem involves both of us. 

I would love to see him feel confident again. He has no "reason" not to if you would look at him from the outside. We all have our inner wounds, don't we -


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

Laurae, you sound like an AA meeting.  Which is not a bad thing. Always important to remember these dynamics. If I am enabling him in this instance - I'm enabling him to feel bad about his sexuality and that has to change for ANY marriage to be healthy. I won't tell him he can't look at any porn and then also let him know that I will never have sex with him. That's just plain cruel. He has his issues and I have mine. As does every couple.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

It-Guy, what kind of a doctor knows about testing men for testosterone? I know to go to a Gyno for women - but for men? Have you tried it?


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Try your family Dr. or a Urologist. He probably should have some other things checked out too. BlueClouds you are going to have to get with the program as well. You knew staying with him through his recovery was a risk. Having sexual relations with him again is also a risk. I'll bet you could go a long way in weening him off the porn if you allowed him sexual experiences with you that weren't fraught with your fears. Is he worth the risk? If you answer yes, then I say let him have it and you both will benefit greatly. Call it an investment in your future.


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## BlueClouds (May 28, 2011)

You are right! Feels like such a leap -


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