# How can I stop being so jealous?



## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Ive been married 7 years to a great woman who has never cheated on me. I'm pretty sure about that. No kids together. Anyway, since my teen years I've been co-dependent in relationships. I never grew out of it and it plagues me now in my 40's. 

When I see my wife on her phone, my first thought is that she's talking to another man. If I can see the screen and see that she's talking to one of her friends, I jump to the conclusion that she's talking about me, specifically griping about what a bad husband I am, or talking about some other guy that she thinks would be a good replacement for me.

When she goes out with her friends and I can't go along, I tense up and stress out, especially if they are going to a bar or dance club. Each time this happens, I put on a cool and calm exterior. I smile, give her a kiss goodbye, discreetly check that she hasn't taken her ring off, and tell her to have fun. After she leaves, I usually break down. I start to sweat, shake, feel nauseous. Sometimes I've thrown up from the stress. The whole time she's gone, I'm visualizing her and her girlfriends checking out some guy or group of guys they think is hot. Then she starts to talking to the guy or one of the guys, flirts, laughs, lets him buy her drinks and ultimately exchange phone numbers. 

She's gone on vacation with her son once before, for 3 days, and I couldn't go because of work. I was an emotional train wreck those three days. I didn't eat and lost about 6 pounds.

Recently she went to a high-class birthday party for a local mayoral political candidate. Her son was invited to go since he volunteered for the candidate during her campaign. He was allowed to bring a +1, so he asked his mom, my wife, and she said yes. She told me that she was hoping to network with others and meet people that could help her find a new job. So the night came and since it was high-class there was a dress code. Formal wear only. She dressed up very nicely, did her hair and looked absolutely stunning. After she and her son left, I basically burst into tears and had a major panic attack. My thinking - she's dressed up, looks gorgeous, going to a high class party that will have plenty of good looking guys all dressed up and probably horny as heck. What's to worry about, right? Well, I ended up going out and drinking by myself and ended up completely wasted. Good think the bar I went to is only a mile from home. The next day she told me that she did meet a recruiter that said he would help her find a job at his company, a major banking corporation, and would work with her through the interview process. He gave her his card. Now I haven't seen the card yet, so I don't know his name. So I can't look him up on LinkedIn or Facebook to see what he looks like. But this scenario scares me to death. I'm already expecting this to be the start of an emotional affair, unless this guy is not good looking.

Now a days, I'm always on the lookout for my wife flirting with other men, talking to other men, being on her phone, coming home late from work (doesn't happen very often). I analyze her sentences to see if she starts referring to future plans alone or without me, which so far she hasn't.

This jealous and co-dependent way of life is killing me, literally. My blood pressure continues to rise each time I see the doc and I find that I am more stressed and depressed these days than I used to be. And although I do put on a face on the outside, I know my wife isn't stupid and she must be picking up on at least some of my jealousy and insecurity. She just hasn't said anything to me about it yet. I know this behavior stems from a fear of abandonment and self-hate. The problem is, I have no idea how to break the cycle. I'm hoping there are those out there who have overcome self-hate and jealous behavior so they can let me know how they did it. 

Please help. I'll be forever grateful!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you ever had any sort of therapy? Do you know where this comes from?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I don't know , how does your wife feel about this , is it becoming a problem for her 
can you explain why do you think she would be talking to a man , has it anything to do with you would like to be talking to other women , 
I am just asking for my own info , as many people say jealous people are just looking at things the same way as they want to do , or words to that effect


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Have you ever had any sort of therapy? Do you know where this comes from?


I had extensive therapy as a teenager and some as an adult. They all agreed that the cause was self-hate and a fear of abandonment, but I cannot remember anything that would have caused it. 

At this point, I don't care what caused it... I just want to fix it and take whatever steps are necessary to get rid of this destructive behavior.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I don't know , how does your wife feel about this , is it becoming a problem for her
> can you explain why do you think she would be talking to a man , has it anything to do with you would like to be talking to other women ,
> I am just asking for my own info , as many people say jealous people are just looking at things the same way as they want to do , or words to that effect


As far as I know, she doesn't know that I'm insecure. If she does know, then she certainly doesn't know just how insecure I really am. She's never voiced any concern to me about it, so either she's not letting on that she knows or I am really that good at hiding my inner feelings.

And no, I have no desire to be with anyone but my wife. I don't go out to social venues without her, but I can't expect her to do the same. I don't want to limit her freedom in any way. I don't even have guy friends that I hang out with. I'm either home alone or home with her or out with her.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> And no, I have no desire to be with anyone but my wife. I don't go out to social venues without her, but I can't expect her to do the same. I don't want to limit her freedom in any way. I don't even have guy friends that I hang out with. I'm either home alone or home with her or out with her.


This is unhealthy, and probably part of your problems. You need social interaction outside of your marriage. If nothing else, it would show you that hooking up with strangers isn't the sole purpose of social interaction, which is what you currently seem to think.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Wow, that is a difficult way to live.

If she hasn't done anything to make these worries founded, which it sounds like she hasn't, it is time to let go and enjoy the bliss of trusting someone.

If she were to do something like that anyway, you'd split and you'd be ok also.

Live is too short to live like that.

You should only stress over what you can control, and really you can only control yourself.

This seems like some serious anxiety, have you ever considered anxiety medication?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to get back into therapy.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> As far as I know, she doesn't know that I'm insecure. If she does know, then she certainly doesn't know just how insecure I really am. She's never voiced any concern to me about it, so either she's not letting on that she knows or I am really that good at hiding my inner feelings.
> 
> And no, I have no desire to be with anyone but my wife. I don't go out to social venues without her, but I can't expect her to do the same. I don't want to limit her freedom in any way. I don't even have guy friends that I hang out with. I'm either home alone or home with her or out with her.


if she has never said something and your 7 years together , you have little to worries about 
yes she does not see you been jealous 
but it can get to be a big thing and can make life very hard for the 2 people 
but there is help for it you can look it up in your area


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> This is unhealthy, and probably part of your problems. You need social interaction outside of your marriage. If nothing else, it would show you that hooking up with strangers isn't the sole purpose of social interaction, which is what you currently seem to think.


Wait, hooking up with strangers??? Why the heck would I do that? I will say hi and thank you and maybe make small talk with a female I don't know, but I love my wife. I made vows to love her the rest of my life and I'd rather die than break those vows. As for meeting strange guys, hahaha... No. What's the point? I'm a straight guy and have no use for male friendships. Besides, you read stories all the time about the wife cheating with her husbands best friend. Well, no best friend in the picture here, so its one less thing to worry about.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

adaptivesoda said:


> I'm a straight guy and have no use for male friendships. Besides, you read stories all the time about the wife cheating with her husbands best friend. Well, no best friend in the picture here, so its one less thing to worry about.


That may be one of the saddest things I ever read on TAM. I’d be lost without my guy friends. Some I’ve known for almost 30 years. Just went to dinner with one last night. All helped me through my divorce and helping me with my new house. Your life is just passing by and you only live for your wife apparently. Sad.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> That may be one of the saddest things I ever read on TAM. I’d be lost without my guy friends. Some I’ve known for almost 30 years. Just went to dinner with one last night. All helped me through my divorce and helping me with my new house. Your life is just passing by and you only live for your wife apparently. Sad.


I'm fine with not having male friends. I'm safe from my wife getting to know some guy through me and discovering she likes him better and then cheats.

But I do not want to keep my wife from having friends or going out with them. Its very important that she has her freedom. If she doesn't feel smothered or restricted in any way then she won't leave me for being a control freak.

I'm getting rid of the red flags before they ever happen!


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

adaptivesoda said:


> Wait, hooking up with strangers??? Why the heck would I do that? I will say hi and thank you and maybe make small talk with a female I don't know, but I love my wife. I made vows to love her the rest of my life and I'd rather die than break those vows. As for meeting strange guys, hahaha... No. What's the point? I'm a straight guy and have no use for male friendships. Besides, you read stories all the time about the wife cheating with her husbands best friend. Well, no best friend in the picture here, so its one less thing to worry about.


You come across as a nice guy, I recommend reading “No more Mr. nice guy” by Glover


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> That may be one of the saddest things I ever read on TAM. I’d be lost without my guy friends. Some I’ve known for almost 30 years. Just went to dinner with one last night. All helped me through my divorce and helping me with my new house. Your life is just passing by and you only live for your wife apparently. Sad.


Meh, we’re all different.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Slow Hand said:


> You come across as a nice guy, I recommend reading “No more Mr. nice guy” by Glover


Why? Some nice guys finish last, ill agree. But I didn't - I landed the best woman there ever was!!!


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

Your OP made me feel so sad for you and your wife. How you overthink and catastrophise every situation must be exhausting. If your wife has picked up on how you’re thinking she would no doubt be devastated. 

I would definitely suggest that you need to get some type of counselling or therapy, and maybe focussed on giving you some coping techniques for the situations you’ve described, like some CBT. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Absentminded said:


> Your OP made me feel so sad for you and your wife. How you overthink and catastrophise every situation must be exhausting. If your wife has picked up on how you’re thinking she would no doubt be devastated.
> 
> I would definitely suggest that you need to get some type of counselling or therapy, and maybe focussed on giving you some coping techniques for the situations you’ve described, like some CBT.
> 
> ...


Devastated??? Why would she feel that way? I would think she would be thrilled to have a man who loves her unconditionally and doesn't limit her in any way, encourages her to follow her dreams, and a man that she NEVER has to worry about cheating on her.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

adaptivesoda said:


> Why? Some nice guys finish last, ill agree. But I didn't - I landed the best woman there ever was!!!


Haha, it’s not like that, check it out. 😊









No More Mr. Nice Guy Book Summary by Robert Glover


The most detailed book summary of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Get the main points of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" with Shortform book summaries.




www.shortform.com


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

So far, two people have posted that how I live my life is "sad". It's not, though. It may be unconventional but for me it's how I must live. All of these loose ends I've cut off, like friends to hang out with, possessive behavior, limiting behavior, limiting conversations with other females - these are RISK FACTORS. Eliminate the risk factors in your marriage and it stands a much better chance of surviving.

The real problem I'm having is with my inner jealousy and paranoia. I choose to bottle it up, which I know isn't healthy. So I'm looking for suggestions to get rid of or cope with that jealousy and insecurity.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You need serious help mate, and you need it now. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health disorder? 

Your wife wouldn't be thrilled at all, to learn the extent of your insecurities, it would likely be a huge turn off.

I implore you to get some help asap. The way you are living is no way to, well, live. It must be exhausting white knuckling your way through life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What were your parents' relationship like? Did you ever feel like you didn't matter at all? These types of feelings usually start in childhood, so maybe that could be part of it. That really is a tough way to live your life. I hope you find some good counseling, to help you work through it. Not only for your marriage, but yourself.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> I had extensive therapy as a teenager and some as an adult. They all agreed that the cause was self-hate and a fear of abandonment, but I cannot remember anything that would have caused it.
> 
> At this point, I don't care what caused it... I just want to fix it and take whatever steps are necessary to get rid of this destructive behavior.


Okay so you've got some labels attached yet not mentioned the strategies or outcomes of the therapy.

I'm with others suggesting to go to therapy asap.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> Wait, hooking up with strangers??? Why the heck would I do that? I will say hi and thank you and maybe make small talk with a female I don't know, but I love my wife. I made vows to love her the rest of my life and I'd rather die than break those vows. As for meeting strange guys, hahaha... No. What's the point? I'm a straight guy and have no use for male friendships. Besides, you read stories all the time about the wife cheating with her husbands best friend. Well, no best friend in the picture here, so its one less thing to worry about.


You missed the original point being made/suggested - in that if you had more social interactions then you would realize that your perspective is out of balance with a lot of reality - which could help with your thought process. I'm also with the camp that it's healthy to have friends. Anyway, as an interwebz random, I'd prescribe you with professional help / therapy.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> You missed the original point being made/suggested - in that if you had more social interactions then you would realize that your perspective is out of balance with a lot of reality - which could help with your thought process. I'm also with the camp that it's healthy to have friends. Anyway, as an interwebz random, I'd prescribe you with professional help / therapy.


I don't disagree that having friends is healthy. But to me, the risk factor far outweighs the benefit of having them. If you put temptation in front of your wife, then who is to blame if she strays? Her for cheating, or you for being so incredibly naive in the first place? Is having a best guy friend worth losing my wife over? I say NO. My wife IS my best friend. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than her. With her by my side, what need do I have of others? What can they POSSIBLY do for me that she cannot???


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> I don't disagree that having friends is healthy. But to me, the risk factor far outweighs the benefit of having them. If you put temptation in front of your wife, then who is to blame if she strays? Her for cheating, or you for being so incredibly naive in the first place? Is having a best guy friend worth losing my wife over? I say NO. My wife IS my best friend. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than her. With her by my side, what need do I have of others? What can they POSSIBLY do for me that she cannot???


So what are you going to do?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> What were your parents' relationship like? Did you ever feel like you didn't matter at all? These types of feelings usually start in childhood, so maybe that could be part of it. That really is a tough way to live your life. I hope you find some good counseling, to help you work through it. Not only for your marriage, but yourself.


My parents were good to me. They always wanted better for me than they had. They sacrificed a lot to make sure I was happy. And they have only been with each other - married 57 years last June. I love my parents and I'm immensely proud of them!


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> I don't disagree that having friends is healthy. But to me, the risk factor far outweighs the benefit of having them. If you put temptation in front of your wife, then who is to blame if she strays? Her for cheating, or you for being so incredibly naive in the first place? Is having a best guy friend worth losing my wife over? I say NO. My wife IS my best friend. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than her. With her by my side, what need do I have of others? What can they POSSIBLY do for me that she cannot???


Heartsbeating picked up what I was laying down. You are extremely codependent. What did your life look like before your wife came along? It seems you rate every aspect of life with its level of risk of causing your wife to stray. What does that say about your opinion of her? What does it say about you? Hint: neither are good.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you possibly Aspie?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> So what are you going to do?


Do? Nothing. I just need to find a way to get rid of these feelings of insecurity and jealousy.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> Are you possibly Aspie?


Aspie??? I don't know what that means.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> Heartsbeating picked up what I was laying down. You are extremely codependent. What did your life look like before your wife came along? It seems you rate every aspect of life with its level of risk of causing your wife to stray. What does that say about your opinion of her? What does it say about you? Hint: neither are good.


Well, before she came along I was single. I dated a lot. Mostly thru online dating. I always had dates every weekend, sometimes two in the same night. On the weeknights i would have text conversations with multiple women at the same time. Not sexting, just conversations. I wasn't being a player, tho, I was looking for the woman I was destined to be with. I knew I would find her one day, and had to keep looking. I had almost given up when my wife messaged me out of the blue on one of the dating sites. She had just set up a profile and I was the very first person she messaged. She had looked at many other profiles before she fell upon mine. She said she had a feeling about me after reading my profile and sent me a message. When I read her profile and looked at her pics I thought that there was no way she would be interested in me. She was WAY out of my league. Yet, here she was, messaging me, asking me on a date. I can't begin to explain the feeling of elation and joy it gave me. And when I met her for the first time I knew she was the woman I was searching for. After the first date I immediately shut down all my profiles on all of the dating sites. We've been together ever since.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> Aspie??? I don't know what that means.


Asperger's


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

adaptivesoda said:


> Ive been married 7 years to a great woman who has never cheated on me. I'm pretty sure about that. No kids together. Anyway, since my teen years I've been co-dependent in relationships. I never grew out of it and it plagues me now in my 40's.
> 
> When I see my wife on her phone, my first thought is that she's talking to another man. If I can see the screen and see that she's talking to one of her friends, I jump to the conclusion that she's talking about me, specifically griping about what a bad husband I am, or talking about some other guy that she thinks would be a good replacement for me.
> 
> ...


Huge self fulfilling prophecy here.
You might try improving yourself by working out, exercising, socializing and meeting new people, and sociAlizing WITH your wife, and building confidence on your relationship and yourself....Have more fun with her. Build a relationship that’s so fun that she only wAnts to spend most of her time with 
Your problem is that something has pushed your mind toward one end of the spectrum.
Your fears and anxiety are over the top.
You know they make anti anxiety medication, right? Consider seeing a Dr that can examine you and write you a Prescription. 
keeo posting. There’s a lot of people here that might be able to give good suggestions. Ignore the ones that say you’re crazy and such.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

adaptivesoda said:


> Well, before she came along I was single. I dated a lot. Mostly thru online dating. I always had dates every weekend, sometimes two in the same night. On the weeknights i would have text conversations with multiple women at the same time. Not sexting, just conversations. I wasn't being a player, tho, I was looking for the woman I was destined to be with. I knew I would find her one day, and had to keep looking. I had almost given up when my wife messaged me out of the blue on one of the dating sites. She had just set up a profile and I was the very first person she messaged. She had looked at many other profiles before she fell upon mine. She said she had a feeling about me after reading my profile and sent me a message. When I read her profile and looked at her pics I thought that there was no way she would be interested in me. *She was WAY out of my league.* Yet, here she was, messaging me, asking me on a date. I can't begin to explain the feeling of elation and joy it gave me. And when I met her for the first time I knew she was the woman I was searching for. After the first date I immediately shut down all my profiles on all of the dating sites. We've been together ever since.


there’s the problem. It isnt jealousy, it’s fear of abandonment because you think she’s out of your league.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t need male friends, I’m not gay… what???


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your problem is that something has pushed your mind toward one end of the spectrum.
> Your fears and anxiety are over the top.
> You know they make anti anxiety medication, right? Consider seeing a Dr that can examine you and write you a Prescription.
> keeo posting. There’s a lot of people here that might be able to give good suggestions. Ignore the ones that say you’re crazy and such.


Maybe I skipped some posts, yet I didn't notice anyone saying he's 'crazy'.

Most have suggested similarly to what you wrote above; asking questions and about mental health aspects.
Alongside suggesting therapy / professional support. Which is essentially what you suggested too.

However, when I asked OP what he's going to do, the response didn't indicate that the suggestions and opinions so far have really been considered, as he 'needs to find a way to get rid of these feelings of insecurity and jealousy.' As a non-medical professional, I'd consider his mental and physical reactions to be extreme, and the suggestions to seek professional support have seemingly been bypassed by him. That's not suggesting that he is 'crazy' or labelling him. He knows it's an issue. And likely more than this forum can help with, beyond being a sounding board and offering opinions to seek professional support. Whether therapy, doctor, etc.

Edited to add: I'm not suggesting that he ought not to post here though, or contribute.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

adaptivesoda said:


> Anyway, since my teen years I've been co-dependent in relationships. I never grew out of it and it plagues me now in my 40's.


Did you have other serious relationships with women before your wife or you were waiting the entire time to find this particular woman?



adaptivesoda said:


> When I read her profile and looked at her pics I thought that there was no way she would be interested in me. She was WAY out of my league.


This seems like maybe part of the issue. If you don’t think you’re worthy to be with her then the first guy who comes along who is maybe grabs her?

What does she like about you and why did she get with you in the first place? Maybe concentrate on that and accentuate those things and it will give you the confidence you need to worry less.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Did you have other serious relationships with women before your wife or you were waiting the entire time to find this particular woman?


I had other serious relationships before my wife. At least a half dozen. In all but one I was the one dumped because I am seriously co-dependent in a relationship. I was willing to make each one my world and they got spooked and ran. So in the case of my wife, I decided to not let my true self show and I started to wear the masks that portray me as calm and put together.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

adaptivesoda said:


> I had other serious relationships before my wife. At least a half dozen. In all but one I was the one dumped because I am seriously co-dependent in a relationship. I was willing to make each one my world and they got spooked and ran. So in the case of my wife, I decided to not let my true self show and I started to wear the masks that portray me as calm and put together.


Interesting. So what if instead of a mask that you put on and then take off what if you just make that your new identity?

My other question was why she picked you in the first place? You must have some good qualities that she values, use that as a source to build your confidence.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Interesting. So what if instead of a mask that you put on and then take off what if you just make that your new identity?
> 
> My other question was why she picked you in the first place? You must have some good qualities that she values, use that as a source to build your confidence.


Making the mask who I am - that's a great suggestion that I considered a long time ago and then forgot about. I'm thinking thats the point of my post and asking how I can change those negative qualities. I would love to be able to cast off my jealousy, my self-hatred, my paranoia and my co-dependency. Once I am free of those things then yes, what's left is a good guy (at least better than I am now).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think there’s a thin line between acting like that guy and being that guy. Putting on your mask is like practice for doing it full time.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

God! It must be exhausting living in your head!!!

Please, please go get some help. All the stress and anxiety is not good for your body. You can have a stroke, heart attack, GI problems, etc. All caused by unfounded obsessive or paranoid thoughts. 

No one is going to convince you the way you look at social interaction is wrong. This is why you need a therapist to explain you why social interaction is important to humans. We are social beings. We need friendships, we need a mate, we need to belong to a social group, whether we like it or not, that's what we are. 

Codependency is not normal, at least to me. Please go get some counseling.

Is there a reason why you guys don't have any children? Is it because you can't imagine sharing your wife with someone else?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> I'm fine with not having male friends. I'm safe from my wife getting to know some guy through me and discovering she likes him better and then cheats.
> 
> But I do not want to keep my wife from having friends or going out with them. Its very important that she has her freedom. If she doesn't feel smothered or restricted in any way then she won't leave me for being a control freak.
> 
> I'm getting rid of the red flags before they ever happen!


You really need to get to therapy. Your thought process is totally twisted by jealousy and insecurity. Every guy needs some guy friends, or any friends for that matter. Since you don't have male friends, do you have female friends? Or do you go totally friendless, which is actually sad even if you don't see that.

You are avoiding friendship because you worry they will steal your wife. You aren't going to get over that kind of irrational jealousy without the help of psychotherapy.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> So far, two people have posted that how I live my life is "sad". It's not, though. It may be unconventional but for me it's how I must live. All of these loose ends I've cut off, like friends to hang out with, possessive behavior, limiting behavior, limiting conversations with other females - these are RISK FACTORS. Eliminate the risk factors in your marriage and it stands a much better chance of surviving.
> 
> The real problem I'm having is with my inner jealousy and paranoia. I choose to bottle it up, which I know isn't healthy. So I'm looking for suggestions to get rid of or cope with that jealousy and insecurity.


when you have lived your life in one way it is hard to know what it would be like in another way ,
bit like if born blind is different to if you go blind at 20


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Since you don't have male friends, do you have female friends? Or do you go totally friendless, which is actually sad even if you don't see that.


I do not have female friends. Also by choice. To me, it would be disrespectful to my wife to cultivate friendships with women. I work with women at my job, but my interactions are strictly professional.

I am an only-child and am no stranger to doing things by myself and not having friends. If I needed help (before the wife) I could always lean on my mom and dad to listen and offer advice. Now, if I need to talk, I confide in the wife and mom and dad.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> All the stress and anxiety is not good for your body. You can have a stroke, heart attack, GI problems, etc. All caused by *unfounded* obsessive or paranoid thoughts.


Unfounded??? Have you read through the posts in the infidelity channel? They are full of people cheating on their spouses with friends of the spouse, family members of the spouse, etc.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you saying you have zero make friends?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you saying you have zero make friends?


Well, I'm close to my wife's brother and his wife and their mom and dad. They're friends.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically your wife doesn't know you at all, because you have hidden who you really are.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So basically your wife doesn't know you at all, because you have hidden who you really are.


I don't think its correct to say she doesn't know me at all. She knows my good qualities and a few of my not so good ones. But no, she doesn't know about the jealousy and paranoia.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. Dude you have issues. Please do get help. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

adaptivesoda said:


> Unfounded??? Have you read through the posts in the infidelity channel? They are full of people cheating on their spouses with friends of the spouse, family members of the spouse, etc.


Unfounded. Actually, those thoughts are crazy to me.

I guess my marriage is the exception of the rule. 
My husband has his group of male friends, some married, some not. I have my group of female friends, some married, some not. We hang out together. We go camping together. My kids are our friends kids' friends. I guess no one else has experienced this. I'm not interested in my husband's friends. They don't seem interested in me either. I see them like my big brothers. His single friends have come to stay with us and I interact with them alone (OMG 😱) while my husband is at work. 

No one else has this kind of relationship with a group of friends?

When someone wants to cheat, he/she will cheat! It could be with a friend, with a stranger from the grocery store, with a co-worker, etc. Do we have to live in a bubble to avoid infidelity?

You are the one suffering from obsessive, paranoid thoughts. Not me. 

I'm enjoying my marriage, my friendships, my social interactions. 

I really hope you can find someone to help you. It's a sad life you are living. I'm sorry...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> I don't think its correct to say she doesn't know me at all. She knows my good qualities and a few of my not so good ones. But no, she doesn't know about the jealousy and paranoia.


Which is a massive part of how you live your life.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> I do not have female friends. Also by choice. To me, it would be disrespectful to my wife to cultivate friendships with women. I work with women at my job, but my interactions are strictly professional.
> 
> I am an only-child and am no stranger to doing things by myself and not having friends. If I needed help (before the wife) I could always lean on my mom and dad to listen and offer advice. Now, if I need to talk, I confide in the wife and mom and dad.


So you have decided to have no friends. Do you know that is unhealthy?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you have decided to have no friends. Do you know that is unhealthy?


Why? Because society says so?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

@adaptivesoda if my husband was suffering bad anxiety, jealousy, no confidence and all the things you are suffering, I would want to know. I would want to know so I could help him, reassure him and encourage him to go to therapy for help. It would break my heart knowing my husband was suffering all this time because it must be torture. Do you think she would want to help you through this, together? Find a day when you can calmly get all your feelings out, and tell her you don't know why you get these feelings. If she is a good wife she will want to help you. Good luck.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Find a day when you can calmly get all your feelings out, and tell her you don't know why you get these feelings. If she is a good wife she will want to help you. Good luck.


And what if she freaks out and leaves? I mean, yes, I know she loves me and would want to help me. But let's face it, if she left and was single again she would have ZERO problem finding a replacement for me. I, on the other hand, won the freakin wife lottery when she married me. There's no way in he'll I would ever get that lucky twice in one lifetime. I stand to lose everything if she leaves. She is my world. She chose me so that I could be the dedicated husband to her. She did me the ultimate favor by choosing someone like me to be part of her world.

I do wish I could take your advice and come clean with her. But I cannot afford to gamble my marriage on taking chances that require blind leaps of faith. My jealousy and paranoia is a problem that only I can fix. I have to do the work. This is my issue, my problem, not my wifes.The only problem is that I don't know how to fix it myself.

I guess I can schedule a session with a therapist and see how it goes. A female therapist, of course. I'm not risking a male therapist bringing us both in for couples counseling and then making moves on my wife behind my back. You hear about that **** all the time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

adaptivesoda said:


> And what if she freaks out and leaves? I mean, yes, I know she loves me and would want to help me. But let's face it, if she left and was single again she would have ZERO problem finding a replacement for me. I, on the other hand, won the freakin wife lottery when she married me. There's no way in he'll I would ever get that lucky twice in one lifetime. I stand to lose everything if she leaves. She is my world. She chose me so that I could be the dedicated husband to her. She did me the ultimate favor by choosing someone like me to be part of her world.
> 
> I do wish I could take your advice and come clean with her. But I cannot afford to gamble my marriage on taking chances that require blind leaps of faith. My jealousy and paranoia is a problem that only I can fix. I have to do the work. This is my issue, my problem, not my wifes.The only problem is that I don't know how to fix it myself.
> 
> I guess I can schedule a session with a therapist and see how it goes. *A female therapist, of course. I'm not risking a male therapist bringing us both in for couples counseling and then making moves on my wife behind my back. You hear about that **** all the time.*


well, of course. ✊

really, you have severe paranoia and I think some anti-anxiety meds might help you a lot.
Don’t be afraid to see a doctor and get some help. This problem might be easier to fix than you think.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

adaptivesoda said:


> I do not have female friends. Also by choice. To me, it would be disrespectful to my wife to cultivate friendships with women. I work with women at my job, but my interactions are strictly professional.
> 
> I am an only-child and am no stranger to doing things by myself and not having friends. If I needed help (before the wife) I could always lean on my mom and dad to listen and offer advice. Now, if I need to talk, I confide in the wife and mom and dad.


You’d better hang on to your wife. You’d be a screaming bright red flag if you were single and dating. Not having any friends would put you at the bottom of the list.

I’m starting to wonder if the not having friends is by choice…humm? You’re a pretty defensive person…


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> I'm not risking a male therapist bringing us both in for couples counseling and then making moves on my wife behind my back. You hear about that **** all the time.


But don't you believe your wife has the strength of character and depth of love for you that she would shut down any possible moves another man might make on her?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> But don't you believe your wife has the strength of character and depth of love for you that she would shut down any possible moves another man might make on her?


 I mean, yes, at first. But what if he was more subtle, like started grooming her, wearing down her resistance... EAs and PAs often start innocently enough and progress to "I had no intention of it going this far, or to hurt you". 

An affair to me is cheating, whether its EA or PA. And cheating is the one thing I will not tolerate. Its an instant dealbreaker. 

And if it happened, I would divorce her and have to go back to being alone, starting my search for a great woman all over again.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I have this to offer, a wonderful quote, how are your reactions...


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Thank you for posting this. I agree with the quote. I am paranoid and jealous, therefore I am destined to live a life of paranoia and jealousy. Its all in my attitude toward marriage.

i guess I've been asking to have my cake and eat it, too. I've been wanting to eliminate my feelings of jealousy, paranoia and fear in my married life while still living a married life based on paranoia, jealousy and fear. I'm guessing that when you live the life, you have the feelings and they are inseparable.

Living a life of trust in the universe isn't me. I'm all about covering all the bases, eliminating risk factors and being prepared for the worst (as far as a marriage goes). Its going to take tremendous effort on my part to break this lifestyle. I'm not so sure I'm capable of doing it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

adaptivesoda said:


> Thank you for posting this. I agree with the quote. I am paranoid and jealous, therefore I am destined to live a life of paranoia and jealousy. Its all in my attitude toward marriage.
> 
> i guess I've been asking to have my cake and eat it, too. I've been wanting to eliminate my feelings of jealousy, paranoia and fear in my married life while still living a married life based on paranoia, jealousy and fear. I'm guessing that when you live the life, you have the feelings and they are inseparable.
> 
> Living a life of trust in the universe isn't me. I'm all about covering all the bases, eliminating risk factors and being prepared for the worst (as far as a marriage goes). Its going to take tremendous effort on my part to break this lifestyle. I'm not so sure I'm capable of doing it.


You ARE capable of doing it...look at the strength of feeling and determination you are putting towards being paranoid and afraid - if you redirect that, you will be amazed at what you are capable of!!

All you need are the emotional "tools" to cope with fear and uncertainty, that's your first step.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> But *what if* he was more subtle,





adaptivesoda said:


> And* if it happened, *I would divorce her and have to go back to being alone,


^^THIS.^^ You are basing your life on a lie. You are basing the way you function on a lie. Why? Because you are wallowing in "What if?" thinking.

A life well lived and authentically lived is based on WHAT IS. 

Something to consider: You are a prisoner of your own insecurities. Your own doubts. Your own fears. All because of "What if?" 

That's not really living at all. Seriously.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> And what if she freaks out and leaves? I mean, yes, I know she loves me and would want to help me. But let's face it, if she left and was single again she would have ZERO problem finding a replacement for me. I, on the other hand, won the freakin wife lottery when she married me. There's no way in he'll I would ever get that lucky twice in one lifetime. I stand to lose everything if she leaves. She is my world. She chose me so that I could be the dedicated husband to her. She did me the ultimate favor by choosing someone like me to be part of her world.
> 
> I do wish I could take your advice and come clean with her. But I cannot afford to gamble my marriage on taking chances that require blind leaps of faith. My jealousy and paranoia is a problem that only I can fix. I have to do the work. This is my issue, my problem, not my wifes.The only problem is that I don't know how to fix it myself.
> 
> I guess I can schedule a session with a therapist and see how it goes. A female therapist, of course. I'm not risking a male therapist bringing us both in for couples counseling and then making moves on my wife behind my back. You hear about that **** all the time.


Wow, you really are paranoid. You also have zero trust in either your wife or anyone else. Most men really aren't interested in your wife.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There's something else I'd like to add here. The title of your post is "How can i stop being so jealous?" Yet when anyone offers advice, you defend your stance, no matter how feeble. 

So do you want help and some constructive criticism or do you just want to victimize yourself? Because from where I'm sitting, you are confabulating all sorts of scenarios that aren't based on reality. They're based on your own imagination.

You have serious emotional issues. Perhaps you have a diagnosable mental illness. I can only go on what you've posted. And what you've posted thus far leads me to believe you aren't amenable to actually changing your warped way of thinking. JMO


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You just need to make an appointment with a psychologist and get to work on that. It goes way back. At least you are cognizant of it. Get in therapy and it will take a while and get to the root of it, and meanwhile, the therapist can maybe give you some behavioral tips to not destroy your relationship in the meantime. You sound very insecure and maybe low self-esteem and that's usually from childhood. It should help some to see where it started and begin working on it with a therapist. Don't put it off. You're going to be miserable as long as you're like this. 

The doctor may even find out you have some anxiety that can also be treated along the way with meds. Do whatever they say to do and if you get meds, report any ill effects to the doctor rather than just adjusting them on your own or stopping them, and they can try the next thing. There are so many options of meds for anxiety, but one size does not fit all. Good luck. Be sure you go to a licensed psychologist, not some generic "counselor."


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

adaptivesoda said:


> *Living a life of trust in the universe isn't me.* I'm all about covering all the bases, eliminating risk factors and being prepared for the worst (as far as a marriage goes). Its going to take tremendous effort on my part *to break this lifestyle*. I'm not so sure I'm capable of doing it.


I want to point these two things out to you...you are looking at this the wrong way.

First, letting go of fear and all of the related negative emotions that come with it IS NOT about having any trust whatsoever in "the universe"...it's about having trust in YOURSELF, that no matter what the universe brings you, YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

It sounds like the fear you have is based on a lack of control, and the problem with that is that everything you are doing isn't giving you any protections from bad things happening. The only thing you can control is YOURSELF. So you need to cultivate a TRUST in yourself, not the universe. All your power is in how you respond to the things that happen to you in your life, just like the poem says.

The second part I bolded, I want to correct because you aren't in a "lifestyle"...you are in a MINDSET. And that's what you need to alter. You need to change your perceptions and how you cope with your feelings about them. 
It's essential, and the only way you will be able to overcome this enough to find peace and contentment, in spite of living with the unknowns in your life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘I guess I can make an appointment with a therapist’.

I guess??? Why haven’t you already made one?

Tell your therapist what you printed here, ‘I don’t need male friends, I’m not gay’. 
You’re issue is not jealousy or paranoia, or your wife leaving you. 

This to me is the secret you need to get out: ‘I don’t need male friends, I’m not gay’. 

Unpack that one.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> And what if she freaks out and leaves? I mean, yes, I know she loves me and would want to help me. But let's face it, if she left and was single again she would have ZERO problem finding a replacement for me. I, on the other hand, won the freakin wife lottery when she married me. There's no way in he'll I would ever get that lucky twice in one lifetime. I stand to lose everything if she leaves. She is my world. She chose me so that I could be the dedicated husband to her. She did me the ultimate favor by choosing someone like me to be part of her world.
> 
> I do wish I could take your advice and come clean with her. But I cannot afford to gamble my marriage on taking chances that require blind leaps of faith. My jealousy and paranoia is a problem that only I can fix. I have to do the work. This is my issue, my problem, not my wifes.The only problem is that I don't know how to fix it myself.
> 
> I guess I can schedule a session with a therapist and see how it goes. A female therapist, of course. I'm not risking a male therapist bringing us both in for couples counseling and then making moves on my wife behind my back. You hear about that **** all the time.


Wow... You really need to work on your self esteem. Also, I can guarantee you that your wife is not perfect.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> This to me is the secret you need to get out: ‘I don’t need male friends, I’m not gay’.
> 
> Unpack that one.


What I meant by saying that was that I don't need male companionship for any reason at all. Not for simple friendships, best friendships or otherwise. my dad and male in-laws is all I'm willing to entertain in my life. Anyone else would be a serious risk factor to my marriage. So not worth it!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Looking in from out here… knowing that you have these issues, you should have stayed single. No woman deserves tp be subjected to this. You live a lie by hiding your true thoughts and emotions from her. And when this comes to light in the future… and it WILL come out… there is a very strong, realistic chance that she may eventually end the marriage over it. Not because she finds someone else. But, either because the man she believed that she knew and loved was living a lie the entire time OR you end up smothering her with your jealousy and she rightfully gets fed up. I feel that marrying someone under these circumstances was a very selfish thing to do. I hope you get serious help because you are not living the best life for yourself and that’s super sad. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> What I meant by saying that was that I don't need male companionship for any reason at all. Not for simple friendships, best friendships or otherwise. my dad and male in-laws is all I'm willing to entertain in my life. Anyone else would be a serious risk factor to my marriage. So not worth it!!!


That is your irrational jealousy and paranoia talking. Quite honestly you sound like a total nut case. No one here is going to fix your problem. If you think not having male friends because they may try to steal your wife is normal, rational and appropriate thinking you are way beyond help from an internet community. You are so far off the deep end. You need professional help ASAP.

You don't even really want an answer to your question, you just want opportunities to tell us why your insane actions and thoughts are all justified. If you have the correct way of thinking, why don't you just tell your wife that you refuse to have male friends because you don't want to temp her with another man. She is such an animalistic driven creature that you can't even take the chance that merely having another man around will be irresistible to her. Discuss it with your brother-in-law and father-in-law. Let them know you want them to be your only male friends because non-blood relative men are not to be allowed around your wife for fear she may cheat on you with them. Let her and them know the dark secret of your mental illness that you have been hiding. You tricked your wife into marrying a mentally unstable person. Seriously, call a mental health professional today!


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

3Xnocharm said:


> Looking in from out here… knowing that you have these issues, you should have stayed single. No woman deserves tp be subjected to this.


Subjected to what, exactly? I'm not abusing her in any way! From her perspective I am a normal husband that is secure enough not to be jealous. In reality, she has a husband who adores her and would do anything for her. I freakin idolize her! Don't most wives expect a husband like that?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Whether this story is actually real or not is immaterial. The bottom line is this character is not here seeking help nor does he want advice. He's here to argue that his warped view is a-okay. Best of luck - you'll need it!


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Whether this story is actually real or not is immaterial. The bottom line is this character is not here seeking help


So not true. I want to be free of the jealousy and paranoia so I can cast off the mask I wear. Mostly I'm hearing that I need professional help. Fine, I appreciate those opinions. It seems like taking a sledgehammer to a nail (meaning an extreme action), but it is one I am now considering.

Really I was hoping someone had tips, tricks, suggestions for curbing the jealousy and such. I've tried Journaling but that seemed to make the paranoia worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@adaptivesoda

The level of jealousy and paranoia you suffer from sounds like a mental health issue. You might benefit from some type of antidepressant. You really need to see a psychiatrist to start with, be evaluated; get meds if you need them, and get counseling.

Is this the only area of your life in which you struggle with insecurities to this extent?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> So not true. I want to be free of the jealousy and paranoia so I can cast off the mask I wear. Mostly I'm hearing that I need professional help. Fine, I appreciate those opinions. It seems like taking a sledgehammer to a nail (meaning an extreme action), but it is one I am now considering.
> 
> Really I was hoping someone had tips, tricks, suggestions for curbing the jealousy and such. I've tried Journaling but that seemed to make the paranoia worse.


You NEED a sledge hammer mate, your problem is way over what would be considered in any way normal. You appear to have no trust whatsoever in your wife.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

adaptivesoda said:


> Subjected to what, exactly? I'm not abusing her in any way! From her perspective I am a normal husband that is secure enough not to be jealous. In reality, she has a husband who adores her and would do anything for her. I freakin idolize her! Don't most wives expect a husband like that?


Did you read the rest of my post? She is living a lie and has no idea that she is living a lie. It’s wrong. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> Ive been married 7 years to a great woman who has never cheated on me. I'm pretty sure about that. No kids together. Anyway, since my teen years I've been co-dependent in relationships. I never grew out of it and it plagues me now in my 40's.
> 
> When I see my wife on her phone, my first thought is that she's talking to another man. If I can see the screen and see that she's talking to one of her friends, I jump to the conclusion that she's talking about me, specifically griping about what a bad husband I am, or talking about some other guy that she thinks would be a good replacement for me.
> 
> ...


Just make a decision to stop. It can be that easy. And it's the easiest way for you.

F'in don't overthink this.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> Subjected to what, exactly? I'm not abusing her in any way! From her perspective I am a normal husband that is secure enough not to be jealous. In reality, she has a husband who adores her and would do anything for her. I freakin idolize her! Don't most wives expect a husband like that?


Idolizing her is a dumb azz move ol buddy.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @adaptivesoda
> Is this the only area of your life in which you struggle with insecurities to this extent?


Well, no, I guess not. Anytime I have something good I always fear that I'm going to lose it, so I work very hard to make sure I keep it. That goes for my job, my car, and everything else.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You appear to have no trust whatsoever in your wife.


It's not just her! I don't trust anyone to do the right thing except for my mom and dad. Again, look at the infidelity forums here. They are filled with people doing the wrong things. And those are just the ones who posted, not including those who haven't posted. 

People are selfish constructs. Almost everyone will do anything, step on anyone, violate any boundary to make sure their own selfish wants are met. They have no sympathy or consideration for those they hurt. Now I say "almost" because there are some, very few, genuinely good people in this world that will do the right thing, no matter what. But only a few.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

adaptivesoda said:


> She's gone on vacation with her son once before, for 3 days, and I couldn't go because of work. I was an emotional train wreck those three days. I didn't eat and lost about 6 pounds.


This part really jumped out at me.

OP, ask yourself this - what if the worst happened? What if she did cheat on you? I'm assuming you would be upset, feel sick, unable to eat, and miserable. 

Well how is that any different than what you are now???? You are miserable either way, whether she cheats or not! 

This is basically like a phobia, not much different from people who are excessively worried about germs, etc, to the point they aren't enjoying their lives anymore. I don't know if it helps you, but with phobias it helped me to mentally imagine the worst that could happen and how I would deal with it. And you know what? I knew I would survive. And if this happened, you would too. No doubt, cheating is bad, but it's not the end of the world.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> It's not just her! I don't trust anyone to do the right thing except for my mom and dad. Again, look at the infidelity forums here. They are filled with people doing the wrong things. And those are just the ones who posted, not including those who haven't posted.
> 
> People are selfish constructs. Almost everyone will do anything, step on anyone, violate any boundary to make sure their own selfish wants are met. They have no sympathy or consideration for those they hurt. Now I say "almost" because there are some, very few, genuinely good people in this world that will do the right thing, no matter what. But only a few.


So why in the world did you marry her? I mean she can't be trusted, right? Why would you marry someone you can't trust? It is merely a matter of time before she cheats. Put the right man in front of her and she won't be able to control herself. 

You can't even qualify the woman you love and married as one of those very few, genuinely good people you speak of. That is really sad. I'm sure your wife would love to know that you think she falls into the category of untrustworthy selfish humans that will walk on the backs of anyone to get what they want.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm sure your wife would love to know that you think she falls into the category of untrustworthy selfish humans that will walk on the backs of anyone to get what they want.


True a million times over!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> @adaptivesoda
> 
> The level of jealousy and paranoia you suffer from sounds like a mental health issue. You might benefit from some type of antidepressant. You really need to see a psychiatrist to start with, be evaluated; get meds if you need them, and get counseling.
> 
> Is this the only area of your life in which you struggle with insecurities to this extent?


I agree with @EleGirl you do not need a therapist, or a counsellor or even a psychologist. At least at first you need to be seen by a psychiatrist who is an MD who can prescribe medications for you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

adaptivesoda said:


> So not true. I want to be free of the jealousy and paranoia so I can cast off the mask I wear. Mostly I'm hearing that I need professional help. Fine, I appreciate those opinions. It seems like taking a sledgehammer to a nail (meaning an extreme action), but it is one I am now considering.
> 
> Really I was hoping someone had tips, tricks, suggestions for curbing the jealousy and such. I've tried Journaling but that seemed to make the paranoia worse.


You need the sledgehammer because you have a spike, not a nail. And it's hurting YOU more than it hurts your wife or anyone else. You need to work on this for yourself, so you can have peace and feel secure no matter what storms swirl through your life.

I'm not certain you need to be medicated (they don't work well for everyone, and can be harmful for some), but if you find a counselor to explore your issues with, THEY will be able to advise you about that. I think someone who can teach you some coping strategies will be the most helpful thing for you.

But you need to realize this is a PROCESS - there are NO quick tips, tricks, or suggestions that will be effective for you, because you are struggling with some deep seated fears and insecurities, and it's not like flipping a switch and they disappear.

Have you ever looked any articles or ideas up online about this?


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> You need the sledgehammer because you have a spike, not a nail. And it's hurting YOU more than it hurts your wife or anyone else. You need to work on this for yourself, so you can have peace and feel secure no matter what storms swirl through your life.
> 
> I'm not certain you need to be medicated (they don't work well for everyone, and can be harmful for some), but if you find a counselor to explore your issues with, THEY will be able to advise you about that. I think someone who can teach you some coping strategies will be the most helpful thing for you.
> 
> ...


Yes, I've read extensively about this and watched all of the YouTube psychology videos related to paranoia and jealousy. I recognize the problem but I don't know what to do to fix it.

But I agree with you. There appear to be no tips, tricks or quick fixes for this problem. I'll find a counselor/therapist in my area and start there. Thanks for all of the suggestions everyone!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> Yes, I've read extensively about this and watched all of the YouTube psychology videos related to paranoia and jealousy. I recognize the problem but I don't know what to do to fix it.
> 
> But I agree with you. There appear to be no tips, tricks or quick fixes for this problem. I'll find a counselor/therapist in my area and start there. Thanks for all of the suggestions everyone!


I wish you the best of luck. Everyone deserves a happy and peaceful life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> Why? Some nice guys finish last, ill agree. But I didn't - I landed the best woman there ever was!!!


And you are scared to death that you will lose her to the first good looking guy to come along. 

You must think your wife is shallow if you think this of her. You don’t trust her either, thinking she is always looking to replace you. 

The best thing she could do is replace you with the way you are acting. You honestly don’t have male friends to keep your wife from possibly ****ing them? 

You need major therapy. 

You need to tell your wife what is going on in that ****ed up head of yours.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> I had other serious relationships before my wife. At least a half dozen. In all but one I was the one dumped because I am seriously co-dependent in a relationship. I was willing to make each one my world and they got spooked and ran. So in the case of my wife, I decided to not let my true self show and I started to wear the masks that portray me as calm and put together.


In other words, you have entered your relationship under false credentials. Your no better then a con artist. Just because you waited this woman you betrayed yourself as someone your not. That is so ****ed up. Your no better then a woman that marries a guy for his money. 

Do the right thing and be honest with your prisoner. She has no clue who she is married to.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> Why? Because society says so?


Just listen to yourself. 

No that isn’t the reason.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> Subjected to what, exactly? I'm not abusing her in any way! From her perspective I am a normal husband that is secure enough not to be jealous. In reality, she has a husband who adores her and would do anything for her. I freakin idolize her! Don't most wives expect a husband like that?


This statement is scary. 

So what happens if she does cheat? 

Dude you need help before you hurt someone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> It's not just her! I don't trust anyone to do the right thing except for my mom and dad. Again, look at the infidelity forums here. They are filled with people doing the wrong things. And those are just the ones who posted, not including those who haven't posted.
> 
> People are selfish constructs. Almost everyone will do anything, step on anyone, violate any boundary to make sure their own selfish wants are met. They have no sympathy or consideration for those they hurt. Now I say "almost" because there are some, very few, genuinely good people in this world that will do the right thing, no matter what. But only a few.


Get some professional help. No wonder you are like this. 

You know your wife would leave you if she knew who you really are. You have lied about who you are the entire relationship. How could she ever trust you after she finds out.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

The idolization and putting your wife on a pedestal will backfire and she will see you as weak eventually. Women do not stay with weak men. If you "won the wife lottery" like you think you have, your concerns would not be valid in the first place. Psychiatry is the right call here.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Dude you need help before you hurt someone.


That's a bit of an extreme statement to make - to assume I'm eventually going to go postal. I'll admit that my thought processes are unconventional, but I would never harm someone else. The thought never even entered my mind.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> So what happens if she does cheat?


As I said in a previous post, I won't tolerate cheating of any kind. Not an EA, not a PA. It's my one deal-breaker. If that ever happens I will file for divorce immediately and not look back.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> You honestly don’t have male friends to keep your wife from possibly ****ing them?


Yep, correct. I've explained why previously in this discussion. It's my choice not to have friends that I hang out with. There are several reasons why and, yes, one of them is to remove the possibility of an "innocent" relationship forming with one of them and my wife, then growing to an EA and then a PA. Those kinds of friendships always start out innocently enough, but have the potential to ruin a marriage thru infidelity. As I said before, I don't believe she would cheat, but don't most EAs start out as friendships and unintentionally develop into more? By not having male friends to introduce her to, I've removed the possibility of an EA/PA occurring with one of those so-called 'friends'. And maybe that's unhealthy for me, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Lets say you find a psychologist and a psychiatrist, how are you going to explain them to your wife? How are you going to hide any meds?

If your wife doesn't know and finds out you were hiding Drs. appointments or prescriptions she might get furious and walk away from you. 

Husbands and wives can suffer from different medical conditions including mental health issues. Do you see them getting dumped because they are sick? I haven't dumped my sick husband. I don't like his medical condition, it drives me nuts, it gives me anxiety, I absolutely hate it! But I'm not going to leave my husband because of it. I would be pissed if he were hiding something from me. 

Not the medical condition, but the lies could finish a marriage. 

You are paranoid of hidden things and that's what you are going to do? Doesn't make sense to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adaptivesoda said:


> Yep, correct. I've explained why previously in this discussion. It's my choice not to have friends that I hang out with. There are several reasons why and, yes, one of them is to remove the possibility of an "innocent" relationship forming with one of them and my wife, then growing to an EA and then a PA. Those kinds of friendships always start out innocently enough, but have the potential to ruin a marriage thru infidelity. As I said before, I don't believe she would cheat, but don't most EAs start out as friendships and unintentionally develop into more? By not having male friends to introduce her to, I've removed the possibility of an EA/PA occurring with one of those so-called 'friends'. And maybe that's unhealthy for me, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.


Me slowly shaking my head. 

This isn’t a healthy relationship. Get some help.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You don't have male friends because of potential friendships that could develop with her.

Throwing this out there. Maybe it's not her you don't trust but rather yourself.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

sideways said:


> Throwing this out there. Maybe it's not her you don't trust but rather yourself.


I'm not seeing the connection... The relationship would develop between the friend and the wife. How does that translate to not trusting myself???


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Lets say you find a psychologist and a psychiatrist, how are you going to explain them to your wife? How are you going to hide any meds?
> 
> If your wife doesn't know and finds out you were hiding Drs. appointments or prescriptions she might get furious and walk away from you.
> 
> ...


I could be going to a psych for any number of reasons. Depression. Low self esteem, anxiety. Any of those can be the explanation for taking meds.

All I'm doing is hiding my jealousy and paranoia from her. My decision not to have friends is one my wife understands. I grew up an only child and up until I started dating in college I pretty much did things all on my own, very few friends involved. She accepts that explanation for my lack of friends. And I do go out by myself, usually when she's away or out with her girlfriends. I'll go see a movie by myself, go shopping, go eat, and I don't need some untrustworthy male friends with me in order to have a great time.

I do agree with the assertion that one poster made that my inner jealousy and paranoia is very stressful. I have no doubt that the stress will kill me one day. That's kind of scary, which is why I posed my original question in the first place. But will it really matter? I'll be dead, so I won't care who she wants to bang next, and she will have no problem finding a replacement husband, when she's ready.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Guy friends aren’t going to bang your wife. They don’t need to hang out with your wife. But you need to get our and get a life so it will not be so stressful and earth shattering if your wife did want out. Worst fears—-/ they have a habit of coming true. 
Build a happy life with more to it than just your wife. She will want to be with a man that is happy and stress free and won’t want to stray.

what you’re doing now is going to result in a self fulfilling prophecy. Surely you see that.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> As far as I know, she doesn't know that I'm insecure. If she does know, then she certainly doesn't know just how insecure I really am. She's never voiced any concern to me about it, so either she's not letting on that she knows or I am really that good at hiding my inner feelings.
> 
> And no, I have no desire to be with anyone but my wife. I don't go out to social venues without her, but I can't expect her to do the same. I don't want to limit her freedom in any way. I don't even have guy friends that I hang out with. I'm either home alone or home with her or out with her.


Does she give you any reassurance or validation that she loves you and only wants to be with you? Does she give you a hug as soon as she gets home from work? I think i am the jealous type too and feel if i hear those reassuring words and actions and dont have to ask for them then i feel a lot better. I definitely think its mainly self hate, hoping she doesn’t realize she can do better than me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

adaptivesoda said:


> I don't disagree that having friends is healthy. But to me, the risk factor far outweighs the benefit of having them. If you put temptation in front of your wife, then who is to blame if she strays? Her for cheating, or you for being so incredibly naive in the first place? Is having a best guy friend worth losing my wife over? I say NO. My wife IS my best friend. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than her. With her by my side, what need do I have of others? What can they POSSIBLY do for me that she cannot???


Oh.....boy.......


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

adaptivesoda said:


> I'm not seeing the connection... The relationship would develop between the friend and the wife. How does that translate to not trusting myself???


Lack of confidence is the connection here. You’re percolating on unreasonable thoughts. You won’t trust yourself on some level to know this is unreasonable. Your life revolves on someone making you happy. Get a hobby! If you don’t like others, do model building, bike riding, cross fit. Something. Think of it this way, how would you fill your time if you were single? How would you make yourself happy? Do that!


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## Sonja (Sep 13, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> I could be going to a psych for any number of reasons. Depression. Low self esteem, anxiety. Any of those can be the explanation for taking
> 
> I do agree with the assertion that one poster made that my inner jealousy and paranoia is very stressful. I have no doubt that the stress will kill me one day. That's kind of scary, which is why I posed my original question in the first place. But will it really matter? I'll be dead, so I won't care who she wants to bang next, and she will have no problem finding a replacement husband, when she's ready.


You are really suffering. When you say the stress will kill you one day, what are your jealousy and paranoia episodes like? Do you get your pulse rate up? Please feel free to share a description.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

Well, when the jealousy hits its like a full blown panic attack. I'm sure my blood pressure goes up and I feel extreme panic, but if she's around I make every effort not to show it. If she's not around then I usually lose it - shaking, fear, paranoia, crying, catastrophizing the situation. Somewhere in me I know its not as bad as I make it out to be, but the jealousy always wins out. Its frustrating, to say the least.


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## Sonja (Sep 13, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> Well, when the jealousy hits its like a full blown panic attack. I'm sure my blood pressure goes up and I feel extreme panic, but if she's around I make every effort not to show it. If she's not around then I usually lose it - shaking, fear, paranoia, crying, catastrophizing the situation. Somewhere in me I know its not as bad as I make it out to be, but the jealousy always wins out. Its frustrating, to say the least.


Whats it physically like? hair pulling, stomping, shallow breath?


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## Dana W. (Oct 3, 2021)

Praying for you and her. This is not healthy


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