# feel so lost



## casre (Apr 22, 2012)

Hello. I just joined the TAM forum. I joined because I can't just keep having conversations with myself about my problems inside my head. There are no solutions there, only a myriad of emotions that ultimately add up to a sense of being lost. 

I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We've been together for 5.5 years. First of all, I have to say that my husband is an exceedingly good person. He is kind, generous, and not in any way abusive or violent. However, I have become increasingly unhappy in our relationship over the last year or two. It's hard to say when it started. I sometimes think that these problems were there from the beginning of us but I had just been somewhat blinded by my infatuation and distracted by my graduate school demands and didn't see them. 

My husband is 12 years older than me and I had never thought it would be a problem. He actually didn't want to date me in the beginning because of the difference. I had to convince him to go out with me. But now, I am starting to feel the differences between us. He is ready for children. NOW. He would be a great father. But I am no where near that place. I thought I only needed some time and then I would be ready too but as time goes on and the pressure is building, I am feeling panic in the extreme. I'm not sure anymore if I even want children at all. I think it would break his heart if I told him of this.

Another thing is that my husband is from another country. All his family is there. And as his parents are getting older, I sense that he might want to go back and me go with him. And I don't want to go. In the beginning of us, I thought it was so interesting to visit there but I don't want to make another country my home.

And we have some major sexual issues that over time have really put a wall between us. I will try to be as genteel as I can in my description. He has never had an orgasm while within me and when I have tried other methods to induce one, positive results have been very rare. I'm not sure how he planned to impregnate me. I've never asked. And I generally have to take care of myself. It's to the point that after we have sex, I feel so alone. I'm always on the verge of tears afterward. I can usually hold them off until I'm alone. My husband tells me that I put too much pressure on him to perform. But I really have tried not to do that. I am feeling so alone, and undesirable, and resentful about it. I don't even want to try to have sex with him anymore. It just causes so much pain. Yet I feel guilty about feeling this way.

And then to add to my feelings of guilt, another man enters the scene. I have not had a sexual affair with him. But the fact that I feel desire for him is obviously a HUGE problem which makes everything more confusing. This man is someone that I had a brief relationship with right after high school and the beginning of college. I have never been able to shake my feelings for him. It has just been something that has been ever present in my life. We are "friends" now, if it's fair to call him that. But these unshakable feelings are making themselves present in a huge way recently. I think I am on the brink of having an emotional affair. I may already be in one. He is all I think about. And then I cry when I remember my husband because I have betrayed him in my mind and my heart.

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost within myself. Every option I think of seems horrible. Please someone give me some advice. I feel like a failure and too ashamed to talk to any of my family or friends.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You and husband need to get into some type of counselling. Together would be best, but if he doesn't want to go, then get some IC for yourself. Your issues are MAJOR and numerous...

* sex life: unacceptable
* children: yes/no, if 'yes'...when?, if 'no', can hubby accept?
* move to another country: possible? probably? unlikely?
* old friend - I wouldn't worry TOO much about this one at this point. You have been with hubby 5.5 years and NEVER had these yearnings for OM (he was never 'the one who got away'). I think you're feeling SOMETHING for OM right now BECAUSE you are so confused and unsure and unsettled in your relationship RIGHT NOW.
But, even if you got together with OM, you need to realize (a) he ain't perfect, (b) it ain't gonna be like it was in the 'good old days' (your memory has conveniently forgotten a lot of 'cr*p' and remembered a lot of 'golden')

Sit down TODAY and talk to your hubby about your concerns. Ask him to attend counselling with you IMMEDIATELY to address concerns on BOTH your parts and to strengthen your marriage.

If he says 'yes', get on the phone TOMORROW and make an appt.
If he says 'no', get on the phone TOMORROW and make an appt for YOURSELF for IC (*YOU* have issues to resolve w/ or w/o hubby.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Vastly judging from your description, I would be prone to think that the "chickens are fastly coming home to roost" as was your husbands initial pre-marital assessment of your relationship. Given the age differential, your having no children, and your fear of having to ultimately move to a foreign land where you do not wish to live, I think you'd be better served by looking to end the relationship. Your EA at this point isn't really germaine.

Your overall happiness is what is at stake now. He should be made to understand that just as much as you do! Best of luck to you!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I was going to suggest counseling until I read the part about him being from another country. If you think he wants to move back there, you obviously have reasons to believe that. Counseling surely won't do you any good in this respect.

I was also going to suggest you lay off the other man, but the fact is your feelings have nothing to do with this particulary man. The emotional state you are in given your marital woes would prompt you to have feelings for ANY man who shows you any attention at all. It just happens to be this man, and it just happens to be you knew him before.

When a person has your worries, they tend to re-write history in that you feel the problems were there all along, but you just ignored them. I will not believe any woman on this earth will marry a man with whom she shares such a miserable sex life......unless, that is, you will tell us your husband and you never had sex before marriage. If you did have sex before marriage and it wasn't bad like you say it is now, then the problems were not there before marrying him. I would also hate to think you married the man knowing he was going to expect you to move to his home country one day, and suddenly now it has become a concern for you. My point is, you want an excuse and you want other people to condone your desire to leave your husband or to have an affair with this other man. So, you re-wrote the history of your relationship and your feelings as absolution of your actions.

I am inclined to think you have enough problems quite as they are without you adding another man to the mix, and without you making them appear worse or so long-suffering than they actually are.

Leave the other man alone knowing you cannot trust yourself with him. In your emotional state, you should be careful not to form friendships with anyone because you will likely fall for the next man who shows you any attention or kindness. It's just the way we are wired when we are miserable, but you have to keep your head on straight. If you want to leave your husband, then leave. You can try to make him understand, but he probably never will. There is no point in being miserable for the rest of your life, but don't allow that another man has anything to do with your decisions.

And as a cautionary note: Don't go visit his home country ever again. No woman ever expects a man to trick her, and you likely think he is too kind and utterly incapable of tricking you into staying there. But it happens, which means no man is incapable of the many horrible things that clearly some men have done. Their wives didn't think their husband were capable of it either until they found themselves trapped and controlled. You simply never know of his beliefs and his upbringing that he never shared with you. You have no idea what is on his mind. In many countries, men are brought up to think their wife is their property. Or in the very least, that she is supposed to do as he says. Living in a different country does not change those beliefs altogether. You are the only one who does not know.


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## casre (Apr 22, 2012)

Thank you for these responses. It's so helpful to hear other points of view.

I will talk with my husband when he gets home. He is actually visiting his parents now and won't be back for another week. We really have never had serious conversations about some of these issues. We have touched on them in the past but it has always been very short and light, as though no decisions had to be made there and then. No need to worry. I'm going to lay it all on the table after he gets home and see what he feels about it. At this point I am only speculating about the possible move to his home country because I know he misses them so much. I know he will be upset about the children issue but I've never voiced any of my deeper concerns before so... who knows what he'll say. I will give an update on what happens after the big talk.

To River1977: You have spoken to one of my biggest fears in this whole thing. Have I confused myself to the point of re-writing our history together? Am I just looking for any excuse to legitimize my selfish thoughts and desires? Am I just afraid of the future?

I re-read and re-read what I wrote about our sex-life and after that I do still stand by what I said. Obviously, I didn't cry after the first time we had sex. We did have sex before we were married and I did find enjoyment in the early days. He gave me a different perspective on sex. That it didn't just have to be about finding that final fulfillment but rather about just being together. But I did still need fulfillment then and I did have to do it myself. It was somehow okay then. I don't know how else to explain it. But the cold hard facts about our physical interactions are completely true. When I said that certain things have never happened, I am seriously not making it up. There were many things to keep us from analyzing it too much. We were both much stressed for several years with my being in school and his transition to a new job. He had a shoulder/neck injury that had him out of commission for about a year. But in the last year and a half things have been pretty settled. And when we do have sex and he happens to notice my upset, he looks a bit irritated and tells me that I can't expect every time to be fantastic. And that just makes me sadder because he doesn't seem to realize that it being fantastic would be the ultimate exception to the rule. So, I guess my point is that the sex hasn't changed from how it was in the beginning. The way I experience it has changed. But, given the situation, I suppose everything that I say I think and feel about it is suspect.

And to add some more details about this OM. My feelings are really not such a sudden thing as I seem to have portrayed them. The emotions are just worse now because of the state of my marriage, as a couple of you have pointed out. However, I must tell you and this going to make me seem like such a bad person. Maybe I really am. But I have had these feelings for this OM throughout our entire relationship. My husband even suspected one time that I had feelings for him in our first year of dating and I actually lied to him and told him absolutely not. He, of course, trusted my word. The boyfriend I had before my husband had this very same suspicion and was really insecure about it and made it his mission in life to make me get over him and would perpetually ask me about him. This OM is the one I lost my virginity to which I suppose is why there is all this attachment on my end. He hasn't tried anything untoward with me. And I really doubt he is looking to be anything other than my friend. But he does confuse my emotions greatly. I will endeavor to stay away from him from now on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, you need to get away from the OM. He is not helping you or your marriage, not one tiny bit. In fact he is adding doubt to you about your feelings and confusion. He is not a friend to you marriage, he is very much a threat to it. Ditch him and focus on your marriage and commitments.

Ok, so you've got a bad sex life. That is something that can be worked on successfully. We aren't born knowing how to ride a bike, r play piano. We needed time and patient practice. There are books, videos, and counselors who can help with vastly improving yoursex life. From positions to techniques they can help you a lot.

There might also be a medical problem your husband isnt aware of? Des he get excited/horny.? He might have low testosterone , it's not at all uncommon.

I urge you to not give in to your fears and frustrations, but to tackle each issue with the intent on improving things for the betterment of you marriage. It's a lot less painful to talk to a sex counselor than it is to talk to a divorce lawyer who charging $400/hr to tear up you marriage assets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait I just read that the OM took your virginity! Yeah, you need to loose that guy. He's not a friend, he's a former lover and lovers have ZERO place in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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