# Considering divorce due to in laws



## happysong

Background: 

I have been married for almost 3 years now. It had been a rocky start, caused by too many riffs, violent fights and lots of misunderstandings caused directly or indirectly by in laws.

To put a long story short, my hubbie is a kind man but is too dependent on his parents for making decisions (not financially only emotionally). At the beginning of the marriage he went to his mom too many times to complaign about everything (about me). Instead of working things out between us (hubbie and me)his mom totally ignited fuel to fire. Eventually he learned that his parents are making matters worse, and he has since minimized going to his parents for help. 

My MIL and FIL have unrealistic expectations out of me, which I fulfilled at the beginning of the marriage but now have almost completely washed my hands off. My MIL makes mean and snide comments everytime I meet her and so I try and avoid meeting her as much as possible. They have a lot of resentment about me on both the counts. Recently the issue of children came up. I would like to have kids and my husband thinks it is too much of a "burden" to bear. 

Inspite of everything, I made the mistake of consulting my MIL on the issue and found out to my horro that she totally supports my hunsband on the matter and thinks "I am a career girl" and so should only pay attention to work not kids :scratchhead:. 

I find that unbelievably mean!!! Who gave her the right to decide for me what I am supposed to do in my life??? I know CEO's who have kids and manage work and family just as well. It also helped solidify the riff between me and MIL, as I realize she is very selfish and too faced. While she is suggesting me not to have kids she is celebrating the birth of her daughters' child...

I have so many issues with my inlaws that I almost hate them. My husband knows of this. They bother me so much that I would rather consider a divorce than working things out with hubbie who continues to maintain that kids are not in his destiny. I feel its a losing battle for me and I have nothing to gain. Now that I shared my feeling about these issues, he has started becoming very nice and sweet,but I think its not fair for me to have to put up with such self centered people for the rest of my life. Fyi, we discussed kids before marriage and my husband was in agreement to have kids...

Am I being unpractical thinking of a divorce? What are your thoughts?


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## Bluemoon7

Are you sure you want to have kids with someone who would see them as a burden? IMO, you would be better of finding someone who wants to have kids with you. Someone happy to share the burden with you. If having children is important to you, don't just not have them because a couple people think you shouldn't. 

You explained how your husband went to his parents with your marriage problems and it caused even greater problems between you and his parents....so why on earth would you discuss this disagreement about having children with his mother? It seems you expected her to side with you and that you're angry that she didn't. I'm sorry, but you were just asking for trouble by going to her with this. You can't expect his parents to have boundaries in your marriage when you pick and choose issues they can and can't have a say in. IMO, married people work things out inside the marriage and neither go to their parents, especially if it will cause the parents to think less of their kids spouse. If either of you need someone to talk to, pick a trusted friend, sibling (not if it will cause future problems with the spouse), cousin, or ask a message board. 

Have you considered the possibility that you MIL doesn't like you, doesn't think your marriage to her son will last, and so doesn't want him to be tied to you forever by having kids? 

Some MIL's are just awful. They don't respect their kids marriage, are mean to his wife, treating her like an outsider, etc. If that is your case, then you have every right to steer clear of the abuse and protect yourself. The question is, does your husband think you should put up with mistreatment from his family? If so, then you might want to make a run for it. If however, he is willing to take a stand and not let his family disrespect his wife (and in the process him) then you might be able to work this out.


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## happysong

Dear Bluemoon,

You are right, I made a mistake going to my MIL. :iagree:
I was hoping that as a woman she would see my need and urgency to have a baby especially since she is celebrating the birth of her granddaughter with her daughter and son in law. 

My in-laws do hate me, but they hate me because they have extremely hight expectations of me and I fail or do not wish to become a slave to their expectations. Also with my busy work life I dont have the time to be constantly catering to their needs, throwing them dinner parties and being a slave to them. 

My husband sees the problem and does speak up for me but it is rare and seldom helpful. I know they always ***** and complaign about me behind my back and he falls for it all and we end up having more fights. 

At this point I would just gladly be divorced and be rid of all this pent up anger and hatred, or find a way to forgive and forget as well as ignore their constant reproach. But the issue of a child will always remain. You are right, it does not look like I would like to have a baby with my hubbie who sees it as a burden. I just dont know though if this is all normal? Do most guys feel like this? Do most mothers support their sons no matter what? Am I wrong? Can I change myself and live happily ever after even in my situation?

I know these are deeper questions that only I can answer but any help would be welcome


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## jeffreygropp

My MIL is a horrible person, and my wife can't wash her hands of her. It's causing a lot of our issues, and is a reason why I will be leaving also. 

You don't marry their family, but they are going to be around the rest of their lives. They sound toxic to me.


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## Bluemoon7

People do get divorced over in-laws. That's probably why they say in-law problems are marriage problems.

I'm sorry that they have such high expectations of you and judge you because you don't measure up. It's really not their place to judge, you did not marry them. Chances are that it doesn't matter whether or not you meet their expectations, they would complain about you regardless.

Definitely read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.

To answer some of your questions:
"I just dont know though if this is all normal?"
Not sure if you are asking about the treatment my your MIL or your husband not wanting to have children. It is fairly normal for MIL's to not like their DIL's without really having a valid reason. And it is fairly normal for a man to feel stress and pressure about raising and providing for a child. 

"Do most guys feel like this?" 
Not most, but some. 

"Do most mothers support their sons no matter what?" 
When it's their precious baby boy vs. the evil wench who stole him from us (please note sarcasm) then yes, they will side with their son. 

"Am I wrong?"
No. You married a person that you thought wanted to have children with you, but it seems he no longer does. You have every right to question that and to not give it up if it's that important to you. You are also not wrong to expect a certain level of respect from your in-laws, or to not endure their presence. 

"Can I change myself and live happily ever after even in my situation?"
It's possible, but challenging. There need to boundaries and your H should refuse to allow his family to disrespect his wife. The people that I know that have had in-law problems and seem happiest have cut their in-laws out of their lives entirely. 

Would he be willing to go to counseling? It would be good for him to hear from someone else why boundaries with his parents are important now that he's married and you might be able to get to the bottom of the baby issue.


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## happysong

Thank you dear Happy moon. U seem to have it all right and a very clear perspective on things. 

What if DH is not ready to stand up for me and sees most of my troubles as self created? What if he continues to believe his parents are perfect even though he admits they are "pushy" and "nosey" and have at times tried to treat me like a "maid servant"...

Is divorce the only choice? We have tried counselling...it really did not help any...and hugely hurt the pocket! Its sad. I hate to chose a life of loneliness over marital bliss but I also cannot expose myself to constant expectations, distrust and mutual misunderstandings. 

Talking on this forum really helps though.

Dear Jeffreygrop, I wish you the best, I hope things work out for you


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