# Criticism from your spouse



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'll just start with the obvious, I'm a bit tired of being criticised. I've talked about it with DH, and we're both guilty of being critical of each other, but we disagree on it's usefulness in our lives. During a recent a trip away, DH was playing with his phone and I read a book. These were our only 'alone' time activities, the rest spent as family time. DH criticised me for reading, but I said nothing about his phone use, until we started discussing the criticism thing, then I brought it up as an example.

DH believes that you need to be criticised in order to recognise your faults and work on improving them. I feel like it produces negative emotions that impede growth. I think there are much better ways to make your partner aware of things you would like to see happen, such as making positive plans for the future, e.g. spend more time playing together with the kids, instead of, "you don't play enough with the kids", then expecting things to magically change.

An example of a criticism I still feel resentful about is when DH and I owned a business and I had a toddler and was pregnant. I found it extremely difficult to be at the office every day, all day, especially after our 2nd child was born, and we ended up closing down and DH got a full time job. After that, I worked casually at the same place, but whenever the kids were sick, it would be me that would have to take time off work to stay home with them (no family support where we were), and it will still be me in the future. We both know that. DH calls me "unreliable" in regards to working. It hurts to be talked about that way, when I'm trying my best but the kids have to come first. What am I supposed to do? He never came up with a better option, but yet criticises me for something it feels I have no choice over. No positive benefit in that criticism that I can see...

I can see his point that we all have to see our faults in order to overcome them, but does it really have to come from our partners as a, "you don't", "you aren't", "you never" sort of accusation that just makes a person feel like crap?


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

I would also like to learn more about this. 

I would think that marriage happened because you accepted each others faults, right? You don't need to sit and point them out. I mean, if you started up a new drug habit, maybe say something. Obviously, it takes a long time to break a habit. We went to a couples counselor for awhile. She had us write down 3 things about ourselves that we might think bothered the other person or the other person would want to change. We didn't share those 3 things, but then picked ONE of those things and spent the following week working on that particular issue. Mine was nagging. I didn't nag at him for a whole week. During our next session, we were asked to try and figure out what the other person did or didn't do for that week. Anyway, it was fun. It's an idea. I'm not great at giving advice unless it's an art critique, haha. 

This is an issue that I would like to be improved upon in our relationship as well. I don't know why it's so common.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I didn't marry a subordinate or a supervisor. I have both at work. It's not my place to raise my wife. That was her daddy's job and if I didn't like how he did his job, I should have married someone else. I have faults and rough edges but I don't need a female constantly pointing them out to me. If she needs to work on improving someone, she can concentrate on improving herself. If I'm not good enough for someone's taste, they can hit the road. The earth is green because it's been fertilized with the decaying bodies of billions of men who have killed themselves trying to put a grin on a woman's face.


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## Artist (Dec 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I didn't marry a subordinate or a supervisor. I have both at work. It's not my place to raise my wife. That was her daddy's job and if I didn't like how he did his job, I should have married someone else. I have faults and rough edges but I don't need a female constantly pointing them out to me. If she needs to work on improving someone, she can concentrate on improving herself. If I'm not good enough for someone's taste, they can hit the road. The earth is green because it's been fertilized with the decaying bodies of billions of men who have killed themselves trying to put a grin on a woman's face.


I don't think there is any possible way of me liking this any more than I do!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

breeze said:


> I can see his point that we all have to see our faults in order to overcome them, but does it really have to come from our partners as a, "you don't", "you aren't", "you never" sort of accusation that just makes a person feel like crap?


I completely agree with this part of your post -- framing things as "you never" "you aren't" etc. is usually unhelpful.

That said, I always have trouble knowing how to respond to posts like these, because we're getting only one side. It's very easy to say "here are three examples of times my spouse wrongfully criticized me and here is how I was actually right those times. Therefore, as I have demonstrated, my spouse is unreasonably critical of me." 

I don't know from reading your post whether your spouse had any other reason to be unhappy with your "reliability" at work, or with your attentiveness on the trip, etc., or whether, even if he was wrong those times, he wasn't responding to something that fit a pattern from other times. To be clear, I'm not saying he's right either, I just can't tell from this. 

Better communication. Learn to "fight fair" and to criticize in a healthier way. One thing I find useful is to say, instead of "You always do x" say "It BOTHERS ME that you do x, BECAUSE" or "It hurts me that you do x because"


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, the whole 'unreliable' accusation was regarding having to take time off to look after the kids. It was just plain unnecessary in reality. It would be like me telling him he was an 'unreliable' worker for taking a day here and there to look after sick children, the only reason he didn't was because he had a partner who would RELIABLY take care of our children so he didn't need to take time off himself. He has in the past taken time off on sick leave when he's been sick, which could also be considered in the same light if we want to start throwing mud, which at the end of the day is just pointless.

That's just a side issue, an example of what I see as criticism and why I see it as unhelpful in a relationship. The main purpose of the post is to question the usefulness of criticism of your partner at all.

I can see some think it's helpful to point out what they may perceive as a failing of their partner. Some think it's not. I don't really know what I think as yet, but my own experience of criticism has so far been that it's unhelpful, given or received.

What would be nice instead would be to be appreciated for what we do instead of criticised for what we don't do more often. Think I'll try this tact. Maybe DH will follow my lead.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

My husband used to be critical too.

Here are the ways of how i dealt with the issue:
1. If he calls me unreliable, i'd explain my situation. Then say how would he like if you call him unreliable, especially in front of the kids.

2. I'd be very critical of him for an hour. Veryyy critical and call him judgemental words . Then when he is defensive or angry, tell him you're just being him, that he should accept the criticism.

3. Tell him how he could rephrase criticism or how he would encourage you to change. Demonstrate it to him.

4. Tell him how hurt you are and how it affected you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Active listening might be helpful here. "You feel like I am unreliable. You would like to be able to count on me to be here working every day." Basically just repeating back to him what he has just told you.

When you have done this for a while, he should calm down enough for you to be able to express yourself, too. "I feel hurt when I hear that I am not doing enough. I am trying to be the best mom I can be for our child, and I feel like I am not able to be both a full-time worker and a full-time mom."

At that point, it may be helpful to hear his ideas. "How can I both satisfy our child's needs and your need for me to be reliable?"

He may have some ideas, or he may realize he has asked too much.

It is important to be calm and humble when you are listening and speaking to him. This needs to come from your heart, which I am assuming has good intentions, i.e., really trying to meet both your child's and spouse's needs in a healthy way.

I think this is the way of cooperation and understanding, the team approach. I think it is the way to a peaceful marriage and family life, one that comes closest to meeting the needs of everyone in the family.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think it will probably vary with couples but in my own case I came to the conclusion that I would have a much happier wife if I just praised her whenever I could. She has a quite self-critical streak (is that true of a lot of women?) so she really needs to me to boost her confidence rather than point out flaws/mistakes which she is generally quite aware of without needing them pointed out.

Not that this is always invariable.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

My husband is a “corrector” … he corrects grammar, pronunciation, conversations, table manners, personal habits and anything else he views as being done/said incorrectly. And, he does it all in real-time . He only does this to me (and our DD), of course. My view is that it is not my place to “correct” another adult; his view is that he is “helping” when he corrects me.

Early in our marriage we had disagreements about his behavior and I came to the conclusion that it is some sort of habit on his part that he cannot or will not control. This is what I did about it:

1. When he “corrects” me I turn to him and say “Stop” or “Please Stop” and then return to whatever I am doing/saying.

2. If I am engaged in a task or project and he starts telling me how I am doing it “wrong” I say “Thanks, I’ve got this” and continue working, if he persists I say “Okay, you can do it” and walk away.

3. When my sarcastic sense of humor gets the best of me, I’ll say “Thanks for the input Dad”.

I do this calmly, consistently and with a smile (mostly, I’m not perfect) and, I never explained myself to him. Eventually he stopped; it took many years though.

YMMV


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I actually think some complaints can be very helpful to a relationship if they're handled correctly. Your partner won't know what's bothering you if you don't let them know. And you won't know what you're doing to put your partner off if he or she doesn't tell you. At the same time, though, there are ways to address irritations that don't beat each other down. No one likes being micro-managed, talked down to or constantly criticized. There's a book called _Lovebusters _by Willard Harley that delves into this. Basically, figure out a way to let your spouse know what they're doing bothers you - without using demands, disrespectful judgments, or anger. 

breeze, when your husband criticized you for reading while he was playing on his phone, you didn't mention his phone use to him. Maybe you should have. Not in an equally critical manner, but maybe something along the lines of:
"You know, you're right. We should be spending this time engaging with each other instead of doing our own things. How about I put my book down, _and you put your phone 
down too_ and we come up with something to do together?"​
Remember that his complaint was that you were reading instead of something else, but that your - equally valid - complaint is that he is being both hyper-critical and hypocritical. You _both_ have a problem with something that your spouse is doing. You may find you resent his criticisms less if you don't remain silent in the face of them. Acknowledge his critique. Gently point out if what he's criticizing you for is something he also does. Ask him to phrase his complaints as requests. See if there's a way to solve the problem that works for both of you. 

If he's just being nasty or overly-critical, though, I think it's fine to tell him that you feel hurt/attacked/sad/whatever when he is critical/uses that tone/speaks to you that way/whatever. And then refuse to escalate by walking away. You can't make him stop being critical, but you can ask him to do so. And you can calmly walk away if he continues. But don't just sit there and take it and then stew about it. That builds resentment, which is a marriage killer.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

breeze said:


> I'll just start with the obvious, I'm a bit tired of being criticised. I've talked about it with DH, and we're both guilty of being critical of each other, but we disagree on it's usefulness in our lives. During a recent a trip away, DH was playing with his phone and I read a book. These were our only 'alone' time activities, the rest spent as family time. DH criticised me for reading, but I said nothing about his phone use, until we started discussing the criticism thing, then I brought it up as an example.
> 
> DH believes that you need to be criticised in order to recognise your faults and work on improving them. I feel like it produces negative emotions that impede growth. I think there are much better ways to make your partner aware of things you would like to see happen, such as making positive plans for the future, e.g. spend more time playing together with the kids, instead of, "you don't play enough with the kids", then expecting things to magically change.
> 
> ...



Breeze,

I can see where your coming from, your husband sounds a bit like mine. I don't know that he is criticizing as much as he is wanting you to be more like him, I tried that theory with my own husband to do all of the things he was upset about.

(examples) He didn't like the way I fold towels, I argued with him at first and then did it his way, then I didn't loaded the dishwasher the correct way, again to please him I did it his way, I find that most the things I have done while with him over the last 23 years has been done incorrectly. 

This does wear you down, I'm not a nag and in fact would never get away with it. In the past I have asked my husband if he enjoys being married to himself and he states he wants me to be an individual and do things the way I see fit.

I too get mixed signals on just about everything I do. I have stopped doing the things I do incorrect and get criticized for. When he asks what's up I state I'm unable to do it to his standards and it would be best if he did it. 

He has stopped being as bad with these types of criticisms, I have started to do things around the house again. 

I have found he rather enjoys taking a situation that he may not even agree with and play devils advocate, just to see how it goes down, this is usually something that starts an argument with us.

I'm getting better at giving it back and agreeing with him on his illogical thoughts and he will usually come back with, "I don't really agree with this I just want to give you another aspect to it."

I think its all in the way the Wife or Husband is raised as I see some of his fathers behaviors in him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a great article.. giving examples of the wrong way to get a message across, pretty much assuring a Defense to be brought back......and what they call the "*Sandwich method*"....also using more *"I" statements* over *"you" statements..*.

The Art of Constructive Criticism 



> Since requests go a much longer way toward achieving cooperation than snide remarks, put-downs and negative declarations, the first method of constructive criticism is to request a specific change in the future instead of pointing out something negative in the present.
> 
> Indeed, most would agree that hearing "In the future, please remember to put your dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink" is far preferable to "You have to stop leaving your dirty dishes in the sink!"
> 
> ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is an alternative to criticism: Praise.

Praise each other whenever something positive is done. Start even with the smallest things, and build from there. IGNORE all other things, especially anything you dislike or feel could be done better. Say nothing at all - and if it bothers you, fix it yourself when they aren't around (i.e., don't make a point of it, don't rub it in, etc.).


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Tell him pick out one thing to suggest a month. Nothing more.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Breeze (and anyone else who is tired of criticism!) --- 


Pick up or print out anything by Gottman on the subject. 

Here's a starter: Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks Kathy, I'll look into it.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

I have noticed lately that my wife's criticisms (sometimes disguised as 'jokes') are most often said with one or more of our progeny around. This happened a couple of times in the past, so didn't think much of it, but now it happens often. What is her goal here, or is she just oblivious that this shouldn't be done?

One time she was going off on me in our car because, as is my nature, I was about five minutes late leaving the house. My D was in the back seat. I finally put on the brakes, came to a stop in the road, and told her in no uncertain terms to STOP....JUST STOP.

She did for awhile, but now it's back. I have also noticed her glance at my daughter (and vice versa, sadly) when I make a mistake in grammar while speaking, or ask something that I was already supposed to know, etc.

This woman does not like me much anymore, and it's pretty obvious in these ongoing little digs.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

I hear you Pink Salmon. Constructive criticism properly done can be helpful. But anything that seems like 'belittleing' is just wrong. Belittleing that is done in front of others is gut wrenching.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Even "constructive" criticism, done to excess, is unwelcome and annoying.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I recall from marriage preparation the 6:1 rule, which is to say you have to compliment six times for every one criticism, for it not to feel like you only criticise. This is a large number, particularly as criticism will often feel more sincere.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

WayUpNorth said:


> I hear you Pink Salmon. Constructive criticism properly done can be helpful. But anything that seems like 'belittleing' is just wrong. Belittleing that is done in front of others is gut wrenching.


Most people would say they welcome constructive criticism, most people still react to it with a slight gut wrench.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

breeze said:


> DH believes that you need to be criticised in order to recognise your faults and work on improving them. I feel like it produces negative emotions that impede growth. I think there are much better ways to make your partner aware of things you would like to see happen, such as making positive plans for the future, e.g. spend more time playing together with the kids, instead of, "you don't play enough with the kids", then expecting things to magically change.


What does it give your a performance evaluation at the end the year and give you a printout on "areas that need improvement"? 

In a marriage you discuss issues and you work around them and either accept the other person or move on. Your husbands mentality is job related where they pay me to perform and if I'm not performing then I expect criticism in order to improve.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

My ex was a habitual critic. It was like swimming in jello just to do the most menial tasks like mopping the floors. She would tell me "You don't clean as good as I do" "You don't wash the dishes right" to which I would hand her the mop or the dish rag and tell her "you do it!".

She routinely would accuse me of being thin skinned but there is such a thing as "unsolicited opinions". Just because you are married doesn't give you the right to vomit your opinion on everything and anything.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I didn't marry a subordinate or a supervisor. I have both at work. It's not my place to raise my wife. That was her daddy's job and if I didn't like how he did his job, I should have married someone else. I have faults and rough edges but I don't need a female constantly pointing them out to me. If she needs to work on improving someone, she can concentrate on improving herself. If I'm not good enough for someone's taste, they can hit the road. The earth is green because it's been fertilized with the decaying bodies of billions of men who have killed themselves trying to put a grin on a woman's face.


Boo ****ing hoo.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> I recall from marriage preparation the 6:1 rule, which is to say you have to compliment six times for every one criticism, for it not to feel like you only criticise. This is a large number, particularly as criticism will often feel more sincere.


A great rule of thumb. It sure gets old to be criticized on the one hand and never be complimented on the other. You start feeling like you can't do anything right by the other person, and it's pointless to try.

On another point brought up in this thread, "praise in public, criticize in private". Criticizing, when something reaches the point that you have to say something, in front of any other people especially kids, is disrespectful and wrong.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I think it's one thing for a spouse to raise a complaint.

"I didn't like it when you spent $50 on a hobby without talking about it first."

I think that's a fair complaint to bring up. Where it becomes unfair is when you make a judgement about your spouse's morals or values based on that action.

"When you spent $50 with talking about it, I can tell that means that you're sneaky and you don't love me at all."


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## endoftether (Jan 2, 2014)

breeze said:


> I can see his point that we all have to see our faults in order to overcome them, but does it really have to come from our partners as a, "you don't", "you aren't", "you never" sort of accusation that just makes a person feel like crap?


It should be in open discussion, what's wrong with "I feel that you don't", "I feel that you aren't", and "I feel that you never" ?
How can direct criticism be healthy after a long time period ?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

A further addition to the 6:1 compliments to criticism guideline, any compliment followed by "but" is a criticism.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

agreenbough said:


> Boo ****ing hoo.


Not highly constructive. We whine here to save ourselves being this annoying in the real world.


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## endoftether (Jan 2, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> A further addition to the 6:1 compliments to criticism guideline, any compliment followed by "but" is a criticism.


Damn true. :lol:


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## fddlr3 (Sep 28, 2011)

I'm a bit late to this thread, and I don't post much. This is a very important topic in my opinion, since criticism from one's spouse can be one of the most toxic elements to the relationship regardless of which spouse is doing the criticizing.

I recently read an interesting article called There's No Such Thing as Constructive Criticism. Although the context there is business, I believe it especially applies to relationships.

I see much frustration (IRL, at least) with both "Active Listening" as well as "I Messages." The former is largely due to what is (imo) a faulty construct and the latter to both a faulty construct as well as being "parental" towards the other person - which in turn amounts to a criticism.

The key, I believe, is to begin with validating one's spouses message; this is what "Active Listening" attempts to do, but often fails. One alternative that has worked wonders for me is to use "So you ..." instead of "I hear you say." What follows is a statement that validates their feelings and/or point of view. Validation does not mean agreeing, however. I believe that anyone who criticizes is doing it because of some underlying fear, pain, or sadness in themselves, and projects that onto their spouse. The power of validation is that you don't have to "buy" the criticism, and can (ideally) reach a point where your spouse feels heard & understood. Then (and only then, in my experience) will they be open to a boundary statement.


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