# How do I get over this fear!



## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

*Can't believe it's over journal--Changed from How do I get over this fear!*

I have good and bad days, I have come to terms with getting a divorce. I will have to file because he doesn't care if he is married. He lives the single life. A piece of paper tying him to me means nothing to him. I have cut all contact with him.

I need help with this overwhelming fear I have of going ANY where, I am so scared I will see him or his family. We live in a really small town. I am tired of feeling this way. 


Here is a copy of my story:
short version of a long story..been married to my husband for 5 years together for 7. No children together. we were best friends and lovers. Never any major problems. One day he comes home and says he isn't in love with me any more. He still loves me, but not as much as when we got married. He was packed and gone in a hour. I didn't have any contact with him for about 40 days. Then his mom was in a bad wreck and he needed me to pick his kids up from school. So now I have been talking to him daily for the past week. I love him and didn't want this separation. I found out that he started seeing someone 2 weeks after he left. This woman was killed in the car wreck his mom was in. Now he keeps telling me I am still his best friend and needs someone to talk to about his feelings from the wreck. He knows I love him and would take him back in a second. He keeps telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me or not, but if I stop talking to him (I told him it was to painful to talk to him) he won't be able to decide if he wants me or not. He says it's a 50/50 chance! I am loosing my mind. I have read the 180 and I starting trying to follow it today. How do I stop loving him and praying for him to come back. Yes I am in therapy.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Getting your story all written down and journaled so you can see it really helps you look at things from a different perspective. When you re-read what you wrote earlier in a different emotional state you'll be more clear-headed in your decisions. After that exercise focus on what you tell yourself you can't do without him and stop defending those thoughts. You can go on without him and you are a great person. It was his decision to cheat and leave because HE had low self-esteem. 

Now you're unsure about his true intentions, does he want you because she died or does he really love you. No one but you can tell you, but you can decide for yourself by taking things slowly and pulling back as much as you can. Keep pulling back and focusing on you for right now. If he is willing to wait and understands your hurt and having hard time trusting him then I don't see any reason you can't reconcile in time.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I have decided not to be with him, even if he wanted me back.(which I don't know, because I told him not to contact me). Even if we got back together, we would probably be right back here some time in the future. I can't go through this again. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again for the first several weeks. I can now "function", as long as I don't have to leave my house. Don't get me wrong, the fear of leaving is getting better than it was. At first I had panic attacks that left me paralyzed with fear. Now I can leave, but only if I really need to, but the entire time I am gone, I stare straight ahead (as much as possible) and try to look happy. I just want my life back, I used to be so sure of myself, never really had any fears. My daughter wants to go to the fair this weekend and I am freaking out that I will see him or his family. I am stronger than this, I know I am, I just need to find my strength again. I am on the verge on a full blown panic attack just thinking about taking her to the fair! Please someone slap me and set me straight! I gave my ex enough of my life, I don't want to give him any more, not when he will just spit on it.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I am having a bad day. I want to talk to him so bad. I can't stop crying all of a sudden. UGH I hate this crap.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> I am having a bad day. I want to talk to him so bad. I can't stop crying all of a sudden. UGH I hate this crap.


ditto..it is just crap....

crying is good...you might not cry tomorrow ok...
let it out....

and then do something for you...just a little thing.

hugs x


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

thanks! My daughter is spending the night with STBXH and his kids. I sent STBXH a message making sure it was okay for my daughter to stay over and I never got a reply. It hurts that he didn't reply. So I messaged my step daughter and she called and told me her dad knew and it was fine. I hate feeling this way, I want to live a semi-happy life again. I am tired of him living rent free in my head.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

don't message him at all atm. it'll number one-make you stronger..and number two-generally make him curious.

If you have to regarding your daughter-keep it nice but blunt. If he doesn't respond-email me and I'll tell you 'bad husband jokes' and at least get you smiling *winks. 

you're doing really well even if you feel like you're walking on an earthquake x


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

If he doesn't respond-email me and I'll tell you 'bad husband jokes' and at least get you smiling *winks. 


Thanks LOL


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

no worries poppett...


guess what.

we are going to be ok

you hear me?

promise


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

ok I fell off the wagon and bumped my head LOL. He texted me today and I couldn't text back so I called him! Now we have a midnight session set up for tonight and we are messaging back and forth. He wants to start talking and try to work things out very slowly. He will continue to live at his moms. He will NOT go to MC with me. He doesn't like talking about personal stuff to other people. He wants him and I to sit down and talk. UGH I am so confused I don't know what to do at this point. Is he being sincere? Or does he just want a booty call? What do I do? If I get back with him my family will disown me. There is a lot of bad blood there now. Was fine until we split up and they are mad at how he handled things. He was bragging a few days after we broke up that he was dating another lady and look how pretty and skinny she is. HELP!! Just this morning I still said I would not go back with him. But now I don't know. He is very smooth he is good at saying the right thing at the right time.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

whats a midnight session?
do NOT shag him
noooooooooooo
bad move
<<<He was bragging a few days after we broke up that he was dating another lady and look how pretty and skinny she is.<<<

re-read that
please

actions/not words/ he has some work to do if he's serious.. im sure in here youll find threads on it. How long has he been gone for?


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

He has been gone 82 days 4 hours and 44 minutes as of 9:44 pm est.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Ok, so he came over, we did our thing and then we talked about neutral stuff, not us. He asked me to text him the next day, I did and got a response after hours of texting him. He was busy sleeping then later that afternoon get was busy taking his mom to the Dr. I'm an idiot. But it was nice spending time together. Could we just be friends with benefits? Could my heart stand it. I need to do the 180 again and stop texting him.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I hope "did our thing" isn't what I think it is. I mean, I'm sure I'd be weak given that opportunity with the X as well, but it can't be healthy for the healing/moving on part. 

No I don't think you can be just friends with benefits. Guys are better able to separate sex from love, but I think continuing to sleep together would just keep you tied to him and give him what he wants while you don't get what you NEED in return. It is a very unfair proposition. 

You deserve more.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I hope "did our thing" isn't what I think it is.
> 
> You deserve more.



Yes it is what you are thinking. Now I feel like I am stalking him, I keep sending messages and get nervous when I don't hear back from him. I know he is busy with his mom. I know we are not good together, I KNOW THIS, but dang I can't stop wanting to be with him. He is like a drug to me. I have decided that I will NOT contact him again, I will let him make all the effort. He says he wants to talk and work it out, so I will let him do the work. He left me not the other way around.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Ok, He hasn't sent me a text since he replied to mine early this morning. I am so upset with myself, why do I do this to myself. I know how he is, he will tell me what I want to hear just to get what he wants. He is very sweet and loving when he wants something, but then he ignores me when he doesn't need me. He will have a good reason for not talking to me today. But it will just be an excuse, if he truly wants to work it out he would do whatever was needed to contact me. I think he wants me and a single life. I decided to start a CNA class on Monday for the next 4 weeks. I have to get out of this house. I have worked from home for the past couple of years and I am sick of being inside 24/7. I know I won't run into any of his family at a CNA class(well hopefully). I gave up all my friends to be with him. He was very jealous in the beginning, it was easy to stop talking to them. I need to get out to socialize with people.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

listen darling....

he's not going to miss you or make up his mind until you become chaseable (is that a word?)

have to up the anti here and by not being his doormat ...he'll start getting very curious...
YOU HEARING?

dont answerr if he calls next time...DO NOT TEXT HIM....STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!

and watch what happens..... be strong , have self respect, 
YOU ARE WORTH THE CHASE,,NOT THE PAIN OF BEING USED

got it? mwahs


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

180 is really about making right with being by yourself. If you want to move past this situation you really need to ask yourself if you are wanting him back to have things as they were or if it's that you don't want to be alone in general. 

Things will never be the way they were, the relationship will be new, he will be different. Honestly though reading what you've written here I don't see the alure to him.

He only really started working towards talking after his affair ended, by death. His most reassurring words have been "I can give you a chance 50/50." It basically sounds like you're letting yourself get used by a guy who's made a clear and decisive choice. He's choosing everything else over you. 

Stop worrying about running into his family, he was the one in the affair. You have nothing to be afraid of. I'd run and not look back, the guy is operating on different level as far as morals are concerned. His outright decline to MC just screams he doesn't care. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like to share feelings, it's not even about his as much as it's a gesture he's willing to hear you out and get 3rd party perspective. 

Sorry to hear you're in this place in your life. He's not in any rush to make positive change, I wouldn't be in any rush to be there at his beck and call. 

Wishing you well and hope you find peace!


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I love this site and the people on it. Thanks so much for the GREAT advice! I really needed to hear this stuff. I also really need to follow this advice. I am starting the CNA class to get out of the house and around other people, start a new circle of friends that I don't share with him.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Keep in mind you may feel like his Plan A right now but may be dropped to Plan B if someone else comes along. Stick to your guns, he seems to know exactly what buttons to push. Take back your buttons.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

oncehisangel said:


> listen darling....
> 
> he's not going to miss you or make up his mind until you become chaseable (is that a word?)
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This!!!!!!


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Keep in mind you may feel like his Plan A right now but may be dropped to Plan B if someone else comes along. Stick to your guns, he seems to know exactly what buttons to push. Take back your buttons.


To be honest I don't even feel like his plan A. I feel more like His plan B+ lol. I am no longer in denial (well today at least) we are not getting back together, I refuse to be second best even if it means I have to be alone. It still hurts but I have survived worse than this and I will survive this. I will have bad days for a long time probably but I will have good days! I heard a song on the radio today, one line was "I will never be the same without her" well I realized I will never be the same without him, I will be BETTER without him. Because I am a better person than him, I am faithful, loyal, trustworthy, dependable and he is none of these


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

All of that sounds good but you have to set some healthy boundaries as well. If he doesn't want to be with you don't let him be "with" you. Think of it like hitting the reset button on your relationship. He hasn't earned that level of trust and affection yet. 

If you get back to that some day, great, but remember that healing is a process that takes time (and making mistakes,sure!) and that being with him will just slow that process.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> I have decided not to be with him, even if he wanted me back.(which I don't know, because I told him not to contact me). Even if we got back together, we would probably be right back here some time in the future. I can't go through this again. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again for the first several weeks. I can now "function", as long as I don't have to leave my house. Don't get me wrong, the fear of leaving is getting better than it was. At first I had panic attacks that left me paralyzed with fear. Now I can leave, but only if I really need to, but the entire time I am gone, I stare straight ahead (as much as possible) and try to look happy. I just want my life back, I used to be so sure of myself, never really had any fears. My daughter wants to go to the fair this weekend and I am freaking out that I will see him or his family. I am stronger than this, I know I am, I just need to find my strength again. I am on the verge on a full blown panic attack just thinking about taking her to the fair! Please someone slap me and set me straight! I gave my ex enough of my life, I don't want to give him any more, not when he will just spit on it.


Why are you scared of meeting them;;;;;
Are you ashamed that you have feelings for that fellow who edcided to cheat and leave you????To me he would have been as good as dead if he did something like this to me;;;;

Or are you scared you will relapse to you depressed self when he left you???It wont happen,you are a strong woman now;you know it now or not;;;;

Who is important your daughter's happiness or your momentary fear over a loser who shattered you to a greatr extent;

I can clearly see that he is a cake-eater;;;So now he wants to give you 50-50 chance only when you be his doormat and talk to him;;;Else he would choose a different life;;;Show him the door;;

You say he fairly knows you love him and will take him back any moment;;;And can I ask why in the whole world would you still choose this guy back in your life;;and why are you giving him the impression that you love him(even though you do,it is past and you were not in love with a cheat who would leave you,that person whom you fell in love with is dead now,,,this is a new person);;;I really feel now that his Plan-A is gone ,he wants you to be Plan-B;;;

Do you really think god made you so bad that some person is giving you chnaces as per his will whether he wants to be or not to be with you;;;;;He cannot control your life;;;You do;;;

Please move ahead;;;;Live life for you and your daughter;;We do not need anyone to be happy really;;;

So what let his entire family come and stand in front of you and giggle or do whatever;;;they are fools;;;be indifferent;if you can be civil say hi and ignore;;;;;;your this behaviour just once will make them come down from their fantasy land where they consider themselves to be king and queen;;;;;

And why do you wnat to waste your love over someone who has no respect for you;;:What will your daughter learn;;;;;

I have gone through this situation and learnt it the hard way;;;I am indifferent now;;;;My Ex is not the God he showed he was,,,I chose not to be his plan-B,,,,and in future if he comes ,I wil see if I want that cheat back.......

Please ,please,please for the real people behind this virtual TAM comunity,do let us know that you had a blast with your daughter in the fair.....

And in future if he tries to contact you,ignore him;Let him do back-flips to get you back;;;;;;Self-worth dear,self-worth;;;

Hugs and love!!!!


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> Ok, so he came over, we did our thing and then we talked about neutral stuff, not us. He asked me to text him the next day, I did and got a response after hours of texting him. He was busy sleeping then later that afternoon get was busy taking his mom to the Dr. I'm an idiot. But it was nice spending time together. Could we just be friends with benefits? Could my heart stand it. I need to do the 180 again and stop texting him.


No ,please No...

He does not love you!!!He is using you till he has abetter bait......
Please for the sake of you,your family and foremost your daughter dump this man!!!

He is no God to treat you so badly;;He ignores you and comes home to sleep with you and again ignores you again;;;;

There is nothing called frinds with benefits;;;you are exhausting yourself emotionally for your needs and he will never fulfill your need to be loved;;;;;;He left you and tsill you make him feel he iis so good by wnating him back;;;;;;;

Please dear,I really want you to stay strong and comeout of this rut;;;have you really started believing that you will not get any good out of life;;;;
I do not even have children;;Had I them I would feel blessed and would be far off from the shadow of a man who whould treat me like this;;;;You are so lucky to have kids and still you are trading for so little and so low a man;;;;;
You do not even have children with him;;he is o good howver prince charming he may seem to you;;;Just reading on the internet that he uses you for benefits makes my sking crawl and angry;;;;;;;;


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Well I took my daughter to the fair, my stbx stepdaughter went along, per my daughters asking. We had fun, there were a few tense moments when stbxstepdaughter kept playing songs that were her and stbxh girlfriend that died in accident. So no more trips with her. She never liked me when we were together, said I had to many rules and moved in with her grandparents at 14. Well last Sunday stbxh called and came over again. Of course at midnight so nobody would know. I told him to text me if he wanted to because if he wants me back he will make an effort. He said he is really busy. I said bull it only takes a few seconds to text hi just to let me know you are thinking about me. Well I haven't heard 1 thing from him. It sucks but I'm hanging in there. I know in the end I will be a better person without him. I will not sleep with him again. Even saying it makes me sad. Not the sex part, but just knowing I will never be with him in any way ever again hurts. When we were together last Sunday I kind of felt like it was goodbye. I just hate that I was so weak, I knew he was playing with my emotions. So we will chalk it up to lessons learned and move on. Thanks everyone for the great advice and words of wisdom.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Please do not feel sad;;;;You really have convinced yourself that he is as good as gold;but us as 3rd person can see he is no good;;;;Be his appearance be of prince charming but his actions are like that of ones who have dirty hearts;;;;;

I know you will come out of this happy and strong;;;;;
And the daughter of STBXH,did you take her along all because you wanted to feel connected to him in some way;;else if your daughter asks again,just let her know that you are hurt in some manner-if she is too young to know the details-no child will want to stay with some person who doesnot respect her mother,never;Please do not hurt yourself anymore;;;;;

Can you just be strong enough once and then the rest will follow;;change your phone number;;go NC with him;;;I guarantee, 30 days of No contact will work wonders in your life(plus throw away or kee aside all objects which remind you of him,his friends relatives..everything....go NC);;;;;

If you will dare see once with open eyes and clear mind the other person,then you will get honest replies ;;you will then never hurt yourself over himfor you shall have seen the true colours,the using you etc...

And please make these positive affirmations in your mind always that 'I am happy now,I shally be happy and peaceful always no matter what;Anybody who is not good for me and my happiness will never come near me;anybody who hurts me will never be near me;I am safe an dprotected !!!" Make these affirmations in yourmind;;;;

An affirmation made positively with sincerity drives away all negetivity and we have our lives in our total control;;;


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

well done on getting out the house and to the fair girl 

see! you can do anything!

and no more shagging that man! 

plan A or nothing ok mwahs x


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Sleeping with him will only confuse you and prolong the inevitable. I know it's sad to think about not being with him ever again. I used to feel that way. Now I can't actually imagine being with him. It takes time for the connection to go away. I promise it will though and you'll feel relieved and at peace.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> Ok, He hasn't sent me a text since he replied to mine early this morning. I am so upset with myself, why do I do this to myself. I know how he is, he will tell me what I want to hear just to get what he wants. He is very sweet and loving when he wants something, but then he ignores me when he doesn't need me. He will have a good reason for not talking to me today. But it will just be an excuse, if he truly wants to work it out he would do whatever was needed to contact me. I think he wants me and a single life. I decided to start a CNA class on Monday for the next 4 weeks. I have to get out of this house. I have worked from home for the past couple of years and I am sick of being inside 24/7. I know I won't run into any of his family at a CNA class(well hopefully). I gave up all my friends to be with him. He was very jealous in the beginning, it was easy to stop talking to them. I need to get out to socialize with people.


Why do you care if you run into him or his family;;;;Who are they;;;Why have you given them such larger than life importance in your life;;;For a change start treating them the way he tretas you;;;;You have to love yourself enough to do this and not take any further crap from that selfish leech;;;;

Another thing I firmly believe you should grow into a better person with a healthy mind just for yourself;;;What is the point when you try to become chaseable for a cheating person;;;You deserve better and not this nonsense in life;;;When your self-esteem will grow,such losers will come no-where near you;;;so do nothig for him;;al for you;;;;and once you have your rel self you shall see what a piece of dirt is ;;;

Cheers,Love and hugs...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I can't believe it's over...

I understand the STBXH being a 'drug' thing...

mine won't give me the time of day...I just learned about the 180...not that he contacts me...when he does it's all about getting his stuff... but if he wanted to come over for a midnight...I'd do it in a beat...

sucks. I hate myself. I hate this.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> but if he wanted to come over for a midnight...I'd do it in a beat...
> 
> sucks. I hate myself. I hate this.


Never hate yourself for having emotions and being human! After reading all the GREAT advice that everyone has been giving me, I have been no contact for almost 2 weeks (again, lol). No matter which thread you read on here, there is a common thing...get out of the house and do something for yourself, I know it is soooo hard to make that first step out the door, but you have to! that is the only way you are going to feel better. I started a Certified Nursing Assistant class, (I care for my disabled parents) and I feel so much better, I am making new friends and learning a skill. It was super hard to come up with the money for class and other expenses, but I am worth it. YOU are worth it, so what is something you have always wanted to do? Take a baking or cooking class? Maybe an art class? I don't know where you live but there are craft stores that offer classes in different things and most are not too expensive. Maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, they need help all the time and as mean as this might sound (no offense meant) seeing the less fortunate can make your heart go out to them and make your problems seem not as bad as you thought.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

CBIO - good advice and I'm glad you are doing so well!


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Update** I finished my Nursing Assistant class with a 98%. I am waiting to take my state test for my license. I am hoping to get a job at the hospital. I have been thinking about my STBXH a lot lately, I have even been dreaming about him and I being back together. I guess it's the holidays. I have NO money. My parents are paying all my bill still. No Christmas presents for the kids. Hell I didn't even put up the tree yet. My daughter said not to put it up, there wasn't any point with nothing to put under it and we would have to fight the cats not to tear it down. My kids are older (20 &14) so they understand that I will get them something later, it's not like when they were little and believed in Santa. I just get so mad at my STBXH, he isn't working, his parents are paying his bills (got a new Iphone) and his kids have lots of gifts under the tree. He even has gifts for his new gf and her kids. What about my kids that he was a step father to for 6 years? legally is still their step father. I have sold everything I have of value to keep my kids fed and to provide what they HAVE to have. He left us and he is living like a king. F*** THAT. All right time to get off the pity train. Please fellow TAMers give me the slap I need to snap out of this funk I am in.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Take a drive to the ocean. It always helped me. Were both his step children? You will have low moments. I have turned the corner but there are moments for me. If you truly cared, you will have them. Keep it together you are on the right track. Embrace your children during these times. He will realize his mistake one day. But do not wait on it.


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