# Men help me be a better wife



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being. 

Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him. 

Right now... while he has a couple months left of residency I want to be the best wife I can be in hope to get him to emotionally wake up. To break his guard down and to get him to trust me again.

So what can I do (besides stop nagging and criticizing etc) to open him up again?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is the stress from home affecting the job or is it the stress from job affecting your marriage?

Katie, let me ask you. From all your time here at TAM what have you learned so far?

This is not sarcasm but an honest question.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why not go into a holding pattern until he finishes in two months?


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## racamnp (Feb 3, 2017)

Just swallow. Real ladies don't spit 😂

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.
> 
> Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.
> 
> ...


Please don't take this as a criticism but you seem very highly strung and are probably contributing to your husbands stress levels rather than reducing them.For the next two months,no complaining about ANYTHING,no passive aggressive comments,no sarcastic remarks about having to do everything just pretend you have a person who is not well and look after him to the best of your ability.When he comes home have something prepared for him even if it is just a sandwich,let him talk if he wants to about his day,if he doesn't talk don't force the issue.Make his home somewhere that he sees as a place to unwind and relax,a place of comfort rather than a mini war zone.When his residency is over if you don't start to gradually see an improvement then you can reassess the situation.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The time to address things is not now. Wait until he's done with his residency. Give the guy a break he's probably going through tough times right now and the last thing he probably wants to do is discuss these things with you. I think you'll just have to put up with times like this. Being a doctor is not easy and he's not going to be in the mood to discuss the relationship with you whenever you're ready.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Show him that you appreciate him in a way that is meaningful to him. If you don't know what would be meaningful to him, start there. For some men it's sexual, for some its verbal with quality time, for some it's a kind word and some space...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Residencies are super stressful and will consume all your mental energy. Maybe just tell him you know the residency is taking time away from your relationship with him, but you expected that to happen and since it's for the good of your family that you support him completely he shouldn't feel guilty over it. The worst thing you can do is compete for his attention right now because it's not fair to him. Don't expect to break his guard down and get him to trust you, because he probably doesn't have that ability right now with his job duties. So just lay off and give him a break to focus on work for the next few months. I know when I've been super stressed the last thing I wanted to do is go home and deal with more stress, especially relationship stress.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Is the stress from home affecting the job or is it the stress from job affecting your marriage?
> 
> Katie, let me ask you. From all your time here at TAM what have you learned so far?
> 
> This is not sarcasm but an honest question.



I've learned a lot. I learn a lot listening to other people's perspective and issues, as well as the whole process of me identifying a problem, putting on paper (this forum) which helps me articulate my own feelings, and the process of reading what people write to me, sometimes I agree or disagree sometimes it challenges my thinking and I come out with me learning a lot about myself, my marriage, my husband, and life in general. This forum if anything has made me a better person by learning through everyone. 


I've learned a lot. And no offense but I'm not willing to list what I've learned because I don't find your question or overall attitude very nice. I'm not in the mood for you to judge me and try to make it seem like I've learned nothing or whatever the point your trying to make, which I already know isn't nice. 

I'm sorry if you feel I post too much. I like this forum, I like learning about Others and myself and I like to continue growing as a person. Because I am, as we all are an imperfect person, still developing and learning.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Please don't take this as a criticism but you seem very highly strung and are probably contributing to your husbands stress levels rather than reducing them.For the next two months,no complaining about ANYTHING,no passive aggressive comments,no sarcastic remarks about having to do everything just pretend you have a person who is not well and look after him to the best of your ability.When he comes home have something prepared for him even if it is just a sandwich,let him talk if he wants to about his day,if he doesn't talk don't force the issue.Make his home somewhere that he sees as a place to unwind and relax,a place of comfort rather than a mini war zone.When his residency is over if you don't start to gradually see an improvement then you can reassess the situation.


Good advice.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your desires sabotage you time and time again... how would you like us to help you find the balance within my triple-A friend?

I truly believe you know what you need to do... but you need patience to do it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

What happens when you try to initiate sex?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Thicker skin would help.

Unfortunately, any medications taken to lessen anxiety usually have "even worse", side effects. Avoid all medications. I assume you are not taking any.... that are adding to your problems, Eh? 
The latest data on birth control medication is that they make a women feel better, not be depressed. TBD

Having some place to vent is good. Having some person to vent "to" is good.

Stay here and unload.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Thicker skin would help.
> 
> .




I have been told this many times. But it's just not in my cards. I was made very sensitive. My husband tells me I have a heart made of cotton candy and sugar plums.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Make love with him. Everyone is different, but that would make all the difference for a majority of men.

It will also calm you both down, and perhaps bring you closer together.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Other than sex, which is I think your complaint (as in not enough for you), the #2 and #3 thing men want is admiration and respect. 

He's probably not getting much of that at work, does he get any at home? Address that if not...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Is the plan that when his residency is done, and he starts making more money, that you guys will have kids and you will stay home with them? If so, then I think the best thing you can do is tell him every day how much you appreciate the sacrifice he is making today to enable you to live the life you have always dreamed about once the kids arrive. Don't focus on the ways in which he is falling short lately. Tell him how much you appreciate that he is willing to work himself to exhaustion to invest in a future where, unlike most couples these days, you guys will be able to live on a single income and have the luxury of a parent staying home with the kids.

As @anonmd said, besides sex, most men crave admiration and respect. Pile those on and see if he doesn't appreciate you in return. 

Also, to the extent you have any passive-aggressive tendencies, you piling on the admiration while he is falling short gives you a huge amount of darts to throw at him if he does not appreciate you properly in the future. "Wasn't I the one who kissed your ass and rubbed your shoulders while you were in the worst part of residency? Did I complain that you were busy and distracted and exhausted and totally neglected me? No? Then shut your trap about how I only pay attention to the kids and haven't been showering you with attention lately. I had to be patient when you were not available to me. Now it is your turn to be patient."


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Is the plan that when his residency is done, and he starts making more money, that you guys will have kids and you will stay home with them? If so, then I think the best thing you can do is tell him every day how much you appreciate the sacrifice he is making today to enable you to live the life you have always dreamed about once the kids arrive. Don't focus on the ways in which he is falling short lately. Tell him how much you appreciate that he is willing to work himself to exhaustion to invest in a future where, unlike most couples these days, you guys will be able to live on a single income and have the luxury of a parent staying home with the kids.
> 
> As @anonmd said, besides sex, most men crave admiration and respect. Pile those on and see if he doesn't appreciate you in return.
> 
> Also, to the extent you have any passive-aggressive tendencies, you piling on the admiration while he is falling short gives you a huge amount of darts to throw at him if he does not appreciate you properly in the future. "Wasn't I the one who kissed your ass and rubbed your shoulders while you were in the worst part of residency? Did I complain that you were busy and distracted and exhausted and totally neglected me? No? Then shut your trap about how I only pay attention to the kids and haven't been showering you with attention lately. I had to be patient when you were not available to me. Now it is your turn to be patient."




No. The plan is for me to work in the area that I worked hard to get a degree in, and have kids. 

Thanks for the advice.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I've learned a lot. I learn a lot listening to other people's perspective and issues, as well as the whole process of me identifying a problem, putting on paper (this forum) which helps me articulate my own feelings, and the process of reading what people write to me, sometimes I agree or disagree sometimes it challenges my thinking and I come out with me learning a lot about myself, my marriage, my husband, and life in general. This forum if anything has made me a better person by learning through everyone.
> 
> 
> I've learned a lot. And no offense but I'm not willing to list what I've learned because I don't find your question or overall attitude very nice. I'm not in the mood for you to judge me and try to make it seem like I've learned nothing or whatever the point your trying to make, which I already know isn't nice.
> ...




I'm sorry but you completely misread the intent of my question. That is my fault for not being clearer.

I won't bother you again.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> So what can I do (besides stop nagging and criticizing etc) to open him up again?


*Haze him!*

Just little things to throw him off his game like asking him bizarre medical questions that might threaten his sexuality for example, "why are coffee enemas supposed to be so healthy, and would you be willing to try one?"

I mean seriously! Ask him what should be a more pleasurable setting for a prostate electrode, EMS or TENS and if he would be willing to try and see what the difference is?


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## pag1617 (Jan 26, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.
> 
> Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.
> 
> ...


I can only speak from experience, as I have a similar situation. I work long hours in an effort to develop my career and create the stability and lifestyle I want me and my wife to have. But what has made ME shut down is an apparent lack of respect or interest in my own personal needs from my W, that my sacrifice and effort often seem to go unnoticed or seem unappreciated and that her needs seem to overrule mine completely, and that her behavior started making me feel bad that I ask for anything for myself.

I think it would be worth your time to look into the "Five Love Languages", find out what your husbands top two are, and try to give him more of that. Maybe he has become so used to being criticized and hearing complaints that he just keeps his mouth shut because it's easier to deal with silence than to try to fix or address issues? I can tell you from my own experience as well that your difficulty letting go of issues will likely make him feel like a failure, as men we want to fix things, and quickly. Every time you bring something back up he might just feel like he hasn't done the right thing to fix it, and after many repeated attempts to fix it and the issue still being present, he might feel like giving up when he reaches either the extent of his patience or acceptance that he feels he can do nothing else to solve the problem. So find a way to communicate with him on these issues, don't expect to always get your way, meet in the middle, and then really let it go. Never bring it up again. It undermines his trust in you when things resurface. 

Again, just speaking from my own experience but your husbands behavior sounds a lot like what I have gone through.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sometimes - if M2 seems really tense - I walk her into the bedroom, lay her face down on the bed and just start rubbing her back. If she keeps talking - fine, if not, fine as well. 

But I don't say much. 

Most tense marriages - are based on an overly verbal connection style. Talking is over rated. Listening isn't - but talking is.

And this - isn't foreplay - its - grooming. Like monkeys do. I figure we all have a lot of monkey DNA in us. 




katiecrna said:


> My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.
> 
> Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.
> 
> ...


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I don't want to be the voice of negativity; I work with physicians and nurses (and CRNAs and PAs and NPs, etc.) on a daily basis in my profession.

In general, EVERY attending physician I know tells their residents: "It doesn't get any easier when you're an attending."
He won't be earning residency salary, so finances are almost always better, but the stress is usually worse. Because as the attending, the buck stops with you, and there is no one else to take the fall for your actions. Furthermore, if he is in a private practice, he will have the stress of the business finances. If he is an employed physician, particularly if employed by a hospital system, he will have the stress of bureaucracy/red tape, infighting of organizational politics, irrational productivity targets by bean-counters, etc. All physicians have to deal with the soul-stealing effects of Meaningful Use demands, Obamacare burdens on physician (not the insurance part, but the ridiculous and irrational requirements/rules on physician practice), Medicare rules, Medicaid rules, the state licensing "flavor of the month" political trends, etc.

I think you just trade one stress for another. He might have a short honeymoon phase in the new job, but sooner or later the grind sets in. 

Here's one link:
What is the price of physician stress and burnout? | Medical Economics

In short, what I'm saying is that these issues and his stress may not just go away by waiting a few months for the end of residency, and you may still need to deal with them.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Fozzy said:


> Show him that you appreciate him in a way that is meaningful to him. If you don't know what would be meaningful to him, start there. For some men it's sexual, for some its verbal with quality time, for some it's a kind word and some space...


This ^

Dude's super stressed at work (residency? yikes!) so he absolutely requires his time away from there to be markedly less stressful. Unfortunately, that more or less means letting him do his thing.

The true test will be when he finishes, whether or not he has the ability to balance work/life/marriage. But until then, you're best to pick up the slack in the meantime. I know I'd appreciate it.

FWIW, I'd appreciate my partner taking some of the load off home life, and generally not adding to the stress. Sometimes it's unavoidable of course, but I certainly wouldn't want to be putting in 12+ hours in at work, only to come home to my partner inundating me with their issues, legit or not.

Frankly, I'd also appreciate sexual contact during this time, as (for me, anyway) it reduces stress and tends to make things disappear, at least for a short time. BJ's are a good place to start


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Hmmmm. After a long day wait for him to start his shower...then fling the shower door open and use the stapler I sent you (for Easter) on him! Reee reee reee! Leave him cowering on the floor in the corner. He'll come around. Ymmv though. 😬


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Haiku said:


> Hmmmm. After a long day wait for him to start his shower...then fling the shower door open and use the stapler I sent you (for Easter) on him! Reee reee reee! Leave him cowering on the floor in the corner. He'll come around. Ymmv though. 😬


 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sunhunter (Sep 4, 2013)

When he comes home, after he had a decent meal, tell him that he needs relaxation after a long, hard day. Get a bottle of baby oil, big towels and give him a body to body massage. He doesn't have to do anything, just lay down and enjoy. 

PS I haven't read the whole thread. If this isn't possible due to the problems you have ... my fault, sorry.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> My husband is emotionally shut down, and is super guarded, and essentially checked out right now because he can't deal with the issues in our marriage and the stress from his job. I'm not mad, I totally get it. The stress from home is affecting his job so he is now shut down for the time being.
> 
> Yes I know the issue is... his inability to handle conflict and issues and my inability to let the issues go. And yes I have stopped trying to address issues, I have stopped fighting or arguing with him.
> 
> ...


My advice, take it with a grain of salt, shut up and initiate sex, physical contact, cuddle and just be there, but don't be needy and annoying. I bet he would be very receptive to a blow job, and don't take no for a answer, **** your husband. tell him that you belong to him and him alone. 

that is what it sounds like he needs. what you re saying is that you want to be the dominant partner, MEN DO NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with the consensus of taking it easy for the next few months. And then he'll have a transition to a new position, which will have some stress, too. But, there is never a perfect time to address issues. Don't get into the habit of putting off dealing with the issues at home because he is stressed at work. His stresses may never reduce. Give him a pass for the next few months but not forever.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would say make him aware that you have unmet needs, but do not demand that he address them TODAY. Explain to him that you realize the "big picture" and this this is not a good moment for you to be more demanding. But explain to him that you are making a sacrifice for the good of the relationship, and that you expect your needs to be addressed eventually. And not simply by him spending money on you when the money is more available. Make it clear you have some patience for being deprived but not infinite patience.

See how he reacts. Hopefully he will fall over himself promising to make it up to you when his residency ends. If not, that is something for you to ponder.

The idea is to get credit for the sacrifice you are making. So he knows he owes you. And if he has no intention of paying you back, you find that out before you make the sacrifice rather than after.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

There is a way to succeed in all ways. It is simple. Live your life backwards.

Picture your ideal way of being old. Take the steps necessary to get to where you want to go. Most people have an idea of the career they want or if they want marriage and children but somewhere they lose the idea of setting new goals.

The goal for me was to be happy, live long and die with the loving care of a large and devoted family. I have put in place the blocks for that end. I suggest you examine where you really want to be in 50 years. Change the now to improve your aim and let your dreams fly into a future that will make you happy. The side benefit is, of course that everyone around will be happy too.

_“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!” - Woody Allen_


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

stress and lack of sleep can be a real downer. I would offer to be ready to help him, like going on walks, hikes, work out at the gym ON HIS SCHEDULE. Physical effort will conquere the stress, and still let you guys be together doing it. 

Find some things for YOU to do all by yourself...like hobbies, a night course, etc, so you do not resent him not being able to spend that much time with you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> *Please don't take this as a criticism but you seem very highly strung and are probably contributing to your husbands stress levels rather than reducing them. For the next two months, no complaining about ANYTHING, no passive aggressive comments, no sarcastic remarks about having to do everything just pretend you have a person who is not well and look after him to the best of your ability. When he comes home have something prepared for him even if it is just a sandwich, let him talk if he wants to about his day,if he doesn't talk don't force the issue. Make his home somewhere that he sees as a place to unwind and relax, a place of comfort rather than a mini war zone. When his residency is over if you don't start to gradually see an improvement then you can reassess the situation.*


*This is stellar advice, worth its weight in sheer gold!*


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