# Who Is To Blame



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:

"The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".

What say you Tammers?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Misogyny.

If the man doesn't enter in to another purposefully, then it's rape.

What if it is two dudes cheating, is the bottom guy more at fault? It is a silly notion, to make women the evil ones, that goes back as long as time. Men are strong, and infallible, if not for the evil women that tempt them with their bewitching holes.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Blame is shared 50/50, morally speaking.

Whether you have an innie or an outie, the decision for sex happens before the spreading of the legs.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


*The male species is just as culpable as it's female counterparts in matters of infidelity!

After all, just like as in football, it's common logic that it takes two successful "players" in order for an attempted "pass" to be duly "completed!"*


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

OnTheFly said:


> Blame is shared 50/50, morally speaking..



More like 65/25/10...

instigating affair partner/affair partner who isn’t in the relationship/innocent partner 




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But are we not just talking of cheaters,? Not the innocent? Cheating is not innocent. It does have a path to completion.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think the quote is funny because of this part especially: "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally

It makes me think, does this person imagine that men walk around with erect, exposed penises and women have the responsibility to not line their vaginas up with them. I mean, if you put one in front of a man, he cannot help but proceed into it. What is he supposed to do? Turn? Put on pants? There is no other option!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


Clearly nonsense.

I do not know any man who would agree.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blame is not 50/50, it's 100/100. No excuses. I have to wonder, though, if what the male poster was trying to say is, "The female ultimately has more control over whether intercourse actually happens. She has to give her consent to intercourse or the interaction is rape." Don't attack me. I'm just exploring this question. If the female says to her partner she cheated on, "I didn't want to do it," it will ring hollow because she could have said "no" and called the cops if he continued. Alternatively, I can't imagine the male saying, "I didn't want to do it, but she forced me." In that case, if she held a gun to his head, he, too, could call the cops on her, assuming he was able to have an erection at gunpoint. Otherwise, he was there because he CHOSE to be there. He's 100% at fault.

Is the woman more to blame? Absolutely not. She is 100% responsible just as the male is 100% responsible. No excuses. The female is only accountable to her cheated-on partner, and the male is only accountable to his cheated-on partner. However, the lack of accountability between the male cheater and the female's cheated-on partner may not be health for the male cheater's physical safety.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Total nonsense. I can't imagine there are many,if any,betrayed wives who would agree with it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Depends on who is doing the blaming. Seems to me that the person who promised their fidelity to the betrayed party is 100% to blame. Therefore, both parties may be totally to blame simultaneously. 

Any consensual sexual encounter required dozens of (maybe more) intentional, deliberate decisions and actions before the sex actually begins. That's a lot of opportunities to do the right thing. I would never accept any nonsense about someone being seduced or taken advantage of as a defense. Not a chance.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Tasorundo said:


> I think the quote is funny because of this part especially: "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally
> 
> It makes me think, does this person imagine that men walk around with erect, exposed penises and women have the responsibility to not line their vaginas up with them. I mean, if you put one in front of a man, he cannot help but proceed into it. What is he supposed to do? Turn? Put on pants? There is no other option!


does it change things if wendy trips and falls accidently onto peter and says why not
being I am already there i'll just ride peter cowgirl.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The male poster I quoted is a member of TAM. Hopefully, he'll chime in and share his reasoning.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’m confused. The female who is cheating is apparently doing so with a man outside the marriage. So that man is not technically cheating unless he is married also. In any case she is 100% to blame for her own cheating, isn’t she? 

If a man is cheating outside his marriage, he is 100% to blame for his own cheating, isn’t he?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> In any case she is 100% to blame for her own cheating, isn’t she?


Yes


> If a man is cheating outside his marriage, he is 100% to blame for his own cheating, isn’t he?


Yes


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


I think the quote is crap and the person who made it is FOS.


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## inabind (Jan 21, 2020)

Im perceiving this as wether the female is the betrayer or the betrayed she ultimately has control of the situation when it comes to sex. 

I see your point except for the fact that betrayer is always at fault male or female. Sounds like a totally complicated mind f**k of a quote if you ask me.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Yes Yes.

I did it.

It was stupid.

I stand corrected.

The "Peter" and "Wendy" thing were from the code that the adulterous couple was using in their communications.

I also apologized to the posters on another site. 

However, the point I was trying to make, admittedly in a hamhanded manner, was that the OP was blaming the POSOM for the affair rather than his wife. She was the one who broke her vows to him. He had written a long letter to the POSOM. I said that the letter should have been sent to his wife, not the affair partner. 

I always feel that trying to deal with the OM or OW reasonably is a weak response and a waste of time. However, wreaking vengeance on them in the most painful, but legal, manner is okay by me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


Some time ago, a poster on TAM posted basically that same thing and spent a lot of effort trying to defend, few if anyone else bought it.

It's nonsense. It puts all the responsibility on the woman because you know, men are just victim of evil women. Poor "Peter".


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

"I think the quote is crap and the person who made it is FOS."

Yeah, probably, but that's how I feel about most of your stuff also.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


What was the consensus on the other site? Were they as well-balanced and enlightened as TAM?



Blondilocks said:


> The male poster I quoted is a member of TAM. Hopefully, he'll chime in and share his reasoning.


Suspense builds, the plot thickens.

Edited to add: ah, I see, the maker of the post has posted. Explanation given. All good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tilted 1 said:


> But are we not just talking of cheaters,? Not the innocent? Cheating is not innocent. It does have a path to completion.


Yes, but the woman is not the one who shoulders most or all of the blame. The man shares as much blame as the woman. Neither is innocent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

skerzoid said:


> Yes Yes.
> 
> I did it.
> 
> ...


If this is what you meant, I agree with you.

However, the way you worded it does not seem to say what you intended. We all do this sometimes.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

As I said, I made a boo-boo.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

OnTheFly said:


> Were they as well-balanced and enlightened as TAM?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


I'd say that benighted soul fails to understand a very important concept. It takes two to tango.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

skerzoid said:


> As I said, I made a boo-boo.


Yes you did. Elephant-sized.:laugh: I hope you've learned your lesson, young man.:nono:

Thanks for chiming in and facing the music.

eta: You call "Yes, yes, I stand corrected" an apology? Seriously?? smh Don't bother replying.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I'd say that benighted soul fails to understand a very important concept. It takes two to tango.


Uh ... @MattMatt that is definitely not a Tango.

Looks more like domestic abuse.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I don't see why blame needs to be divided there is more than enough to spread evenly to all the sleazes involved, even the unmarried APs they don't get a pass.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I'd say that benighted soul fails to understand a very important concept. It takes two to tango.


That's too advanced a sex position for me!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Uh ... @MattMatt that is definitely not a Tango.
> 
> Looks more like domestic abuse.


That is the most energetic jitter-bug that I've ever seen. Gene Kelly would be proud.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I'd say that benighted soul fails to understand a very important concept. It takes two to tango.


Good God! Now my soul is benighted? Now I will never get into heaven.:crying:


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, but the woman is not the one who shoulders most or all of the blame. The man shares as much blame as the woman. Neither is innocent.


You know I can only speak for me as a man but I think the man shoulders more if the blame when cheating is concerned if he was one of character it would be a no go. But it's not to be. Because his vanity wins most all the time when cheating is concerned.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> That's too advanced a sex position for me!


Oh, now, this is just begging for smart-alecky comments. But, I'll be good.0


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

skerzoid said:


> "I think the quote is crap and the person who made it is FOS."
> 
> Yeah, probably, but that's how I feel about most of your stuff also.


I didn't ask. Or care.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:


:surprise: there are other sites out there?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> :surprise: there are other sites out there?


LOL, you funny!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a quote from a male poster lifted from another site:
> 
> "The female in any affair has to bear the brunt of the blame. If she doesn't open herself to another purposefully, then it's rape. "Peter" didn't fall and accidentally find his "Peter" in "Wendy".
> 
> What say you Tammers?


Duh....

So men have no agency?

So any woman that decides to have sex with a man just gets to have her way with him and he has no say so?

WOW! I'm missing this reality.

I've turned away literally hundreds of women. If only I'd have known that I didn't have a choice.:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@ConanHub I know your joking and I also know that the guy who made the original comment has explained what he meant but I will tell you something that you may find interesting. 
My Dad is Irish and he grew up in the late forties/ early fifties. At the time there was very little employment in Ireland and a huge percentage of the population (especially male) went working in the UK. 
He told me once about the men going away for work and how eventually a lot of them would cheat on their wives.However the wives took a very pragmatic approach to their husbands cheating. These guys would be away for most of the year and would come home at Christmas for a couple of weeks and maybe during the summer for a week if possible. But they would send money home every week which kept things going at home. 
The wives attitude was it was the “nature of the beast” and it was generally accepted that whichever woman they were cheating with was almost entirely to blame because “any woman can seduce a man”, especially a man who was away from his wife for an extended period. 
In other words men needed sex and because their wife wasn’t around it was understood that someone else would provide a “release” when needed. 
It also explains the very high percentage of Irish people who have birthdays in September/October but that’s another story lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> @ConanHub I know your joking and I also know that the guy who made the original comment has explained what he meant but I will tell you something that you may find interesting.
> My Dad is Irish and he grew up in the late forties/ early fifties. At the time there was very little employment in Ireland and a huge percentage of the population (especially male) went working in the UK.
> He told me once about the men going away for work and how eventually a lot of them would cheat on their wives.However the wives took a very pragmatic approach to their husbands cheating. These guys would be away for most of the year and would come home at Christmas for a couple of weeks and maybe during the summer for a week if possible. But they would send money home every week which kept things going at home.
> The wives attitude was it was the “nature of the beast” and it was generally accepted that whichever woman they were cheating with was almost entirely to blame because “any woman can seduce a man”, especially a man who was away from his wife for an extended period.
> ...


That's an interesting slice and I know of many others throughout history.

I definitely go against that particular grain. Culturally, it might have been given more of a pass at different times but it is still bull **** to me.:wink2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skerzoid said:


> Good God! Now my soul is benighted? Now I will never get into heaven.:crying:



Of course you will. Now you have confessed, all will be well!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I'd say that benighted soul fails to understand a very important concept. It takes two to tango.


I don't know where you got this but I would appreciate it if you stopped spying on Mrs. Conan and I during foreplay...>


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I don't know where you got this but I would appreciate it if you stopped spying on Mrs. Conan and I during foreplay...>












OK.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

when it is not your wife that is the WS, or you are not the husband that is the BH
it is easy to say the blame should be place on both the WS and the AP.

when you are the BW/BH placing the blame where the BS needs, wants, to place the
blame.

the way it is up to the BS to decide to divorce, how much truth the need to know it
is the same for the BS to decide where to place the blame.

motivation

most BS want to recover their marriage. placing blame and anger on the WS makes
it difficult to recover their marriage. placing all the blame and anger on the AP
will never prevent their recovery.

there is never a need to forgive the AP.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

oldtruck said:


> most BS want to recover their marriage. placing blame and anger on the WS makes
> it difficult to recover their marriage. placing all the blame and anger on the AP
> will never prevent their recovery.
> 
> there is never a need to forgive the AP.


I guess I am going to have to disagree with this. While it is easier to blame the AP, down that road lies the rug (as in rug sweeping). Putting the blame on the AP places no consequences on the WS, therefore teaching the WS that there will be no significant pain for them if they do it again. Unless there is pain, there is no redemption (there I go again, making all-encompassing statements).

I agree that there is no need for forgiving the AP unless one feels the need to forgive all trespassers. That would approach sainthood in my book.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

"blame" is an action, a verb ... assign responsibility for a fault or wrong

a fault is responsibility for an action, a choice most often


the person that cheats in a marriage IS 100% responsible for the choices made ........ there can be a gazillion personal justifications / reasons they did it .... but it was 100% a choice

the person who participated in the cheat did exactly the same for exactly the same selfish reasons


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

skerzoid said:


> I guess I am going to have to disagree with this. While it is easier to blame the AP, down that road lies the rug (as in rug sweeping). Putting the blame on the AP places no consequences on the WS, therefore teaching the WS that there will be no significant pain for them if they do it again. Unless there is pain, there is no redemption (there I go again, making all-encompassing statements).
> 
> I agree that there is no need for forgiving the AP unless one feels the need to forgive all trespassers. That would approach sainthood in my book.


difference between the BH blaming the AP but not the WW and rug sweeping.
the BH can be madder than hell at his WW, hold his WW accountable, face consequences,
yet still blame the AP.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The key word for me is ''brunt.'' I guess what he's saying is that the female needs to accept the brunt of blame in the affair, if this is from the point of view of her husband? That's my guess. 

I kind of understand where he's coming from, because all too often on here, I've read stories posted by betrayed husbands who want to ''beat up'' the AP, etc. And they mitigate their wives involvement, because well ya know...the wife begs her husband to stay with her and that she'll change. Often, the betrayed men call the AP a ''POS,'' but meanwhile, they don't know the full story. Most likely their wives were lying about the state of their marriage, but these husbands only want to blame the men.

I guess for some men, it's easier to believe that their sweet, naive wife was lured into bed by another man, and she had no will of her own. Right. There's a member on here who still refers to his wife's ex AP as a ''POS,'' and I wonder if that is how he's capable of reconciling. If cheaters sweep things under the rug, and don't accept full responsibility, nothing will really change. It's just window dressing, at that point.

Until she does it again, not sure what excuse they make at that point. But, that's my best guess as to what he may have meant?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> The key word for me is ''brunt.'' I guess what he's saying is that the female needs to accept the brunt of blame in the affair, if this is from the point of view of her husband? That's my guess.
> 
> I kind of understand where he's coming from, because all too often on here, I've read stories posted by betrayed husbands who want to ''beat up'' the AP, etc. And they mitigate their wives involvement, because well ya know...the wife begs her husband to stay with her and that she'll change. Often, the betrayed men call the AP a ''POS,'' but meanwhile, they don't know the full story. Most likely their wives were lying about the state of their marriage, but these husbands only want to blame the men.
> 
> ...


Pretty much, even though I did a lousy job of expressing myself. I understand that all cheaters are responsible for their own actions. However, the OP on the other website was intent on discouraging the OM. I was trying to point out that this was a fool's errand and that he needed to hold his wife responsible for the affair.


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