# Ladies, somebody tell me what you want?



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

All you ladies out there, please tell me what you want?

Give me some insight into how you think?

I am just a dumb man with no clue.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you know these days my H actually knows what i want without me having to say it. he can read my facial expressions. its actually really cute. he'll just look at me and say, 'ah you want a hug' or something. 

my H likes puzzles and math and a long time ago i explained to him that im a very complex puzzle with multiple variables. good luck =]


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Everyone is an individual. All you can hope is that the individual you are involved with has the ability to examine themselves and to be honest about what it is they want. 

I cannot tell you what "women" want. I can only tell you what I want. And it may be entirely inappropriate to your situation.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Women want 100%.

If the man is great, they get 85%.

If the man is decent, they get 65%.

If the man ever gets below meeting the imaginary 50% water mark, say good bye to your lady. There is a guy out there who has no warts, does not snore, has a better physique, is more romantic, more money, more time and owns nothing less than greener pasture....even if only for a very short time.

Women are beautiful, wonderful, fickle creatures who want the moon and stars, white golden sand and drinks with umbrellas, a soft touch in the morning and strong hands at night, dinner with friends, a warm red wine and good conversation by the fireplace. They want their space but, you better not stray too far. Women want us to listen and not offer advice. They want us to hold purses while they try a dress on then act like an animal if someone insults their virtue. But, this isn't even the half of it my friend....

The list is long....

If men knew what women wanted, what would be left to mystery? Where would be the appeal or attraction? Let's leave something to ponder and just relinquish any notion that a man can know what women truly want. It makes the hunt all the more challenging and rewarding.

-Cheers


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you know something that has always impressed me about my husband? Consistency. He is consistent in his expression of love for me. That doesn't mean he hasn't screwed up becuase Oh Yeah! He has. But the overall pattern is consistent.

He's also not full of **** and bravado and nonsense. If he's wrong he'll admit it. If he doesn't know, he'll admit it. If he is afraid, he'll admit it. He shares his feelings with me. He lets me in. (He feels bad that he has any of these kinds of feelings though. Everyone does so it is nice that he risks sharing them with me.)

I'm pretty capable so I don't need him to do everything and to be all things to me. I like when he shares plans or thoughts or ideas. We can kick them around together.

I like that he has good hobbies (even if I don't always enjoy them the way he does.) They're positive and can involve things that blow up, which is always a bonus. ;-)

We share friends who also share hobbies.

My husband is a truly caring person. 

He doesn't drink or do drugs.

I want him to be happy. Even when we fight, which can be pretty intense, there's no doubt that we care about one another. He matters to me so when he does things that make himself happy, it makes me happy.

I do want to be #1 in his life. 

Oh, did I mention sex? As a woman, I can tell you now that some women want sex. I want sex.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Stop caring about what they want, ignore them, treat them poorly and you will have them.

It is sick - but it is true.

But buyer beware - once you have one getting rid of her is typically a costly and time-consuming problem.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

*I gotta say EternalBacheor does have a point.*

I was almost involved in a new relationship recently, we talked on the phone all the time, I was there for her thru her Grand father's pneumonia in the hospital, thru her drunken weekend at the winery, texting throughout the day for nearly a month, we also flirted on the phone to the point of phone sex. She sent me nude pictures of herself. She called me several times a day. Then we took the big step, we because Facebook friends. That was big step.

Then it came down to her visiting me, she got cold feet, then to top it all off she actually took me off of her friends list in Facebook. cold that was. 

But she still has as friends the guy she was having sex with on her friends list on Facebook that tried to pick-up her best friend. This just proves a point that EternalBacheor just said, treat them like crap, they love you, be the nicest guy, most supporting guy. You get un-friended on Facebook


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Yes what *EternalBacheor* is a negative view, however it is true.

No woman wants a man she can have.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mommy22, I totally agree with you. I do think that SOME women are like that, but for me if you treat me like crap then I am out the door. 

I love the fact that I get to stay at home with our two boys and see all that they do at school, take them to cub scouts, etc. I don't have to miss everything like I did back when we both HAD to work. I can go watch and volunteer at the school, and that makes me unbelievably happy. 

I love that my husband and I can laugh together, watch the dumbest movies and still get a kick out of them, how he always tries to get me something he thinks is cool for birthdays/christmases and that we both seem to know when the other is struggling. He knows when I am having a hard time and he ASKS what he can do. Sometimes nothing, but I know that he would help if he could. That is HUGE


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

outinthecold said:


> *But she still has as friends the guy she was having sex with on her friends list on Facebook that fried to pick-up her best friend. This just proves a point that EternalBacheor just said, treat them like crap, they love you, be the nicest guy, most supporting guy. *


*

This only proves that some women are needy, self loathing and insecure. They expect rejection so they seek relationships that will insure that outcome. There are just as many men who look for the same kind of relationship. Poor, poor pity me. Boo-hoo-frik'n-hoo!!!

Pull this crap on a self assured, confident woman and you'll hear hit the road jack fast enough to make your head spin.*


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

All I really want from my husband is this:

Do what you say you are going to do. 

That is it in a nutshell. Talk is cheap. All I want for him to do is deliver on his promises or don't make them at all. He's getting better at it.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

I take all these words and say, "Are you Ladies 40+ yet?"

Whatever your husband means to you now, you will have a different tune when you are at a point in your life when you start to examine everything you have not yet done, the kids are about to leave, your body is sagging a bit, and you feel un-satisfied with _ _ _ _.

Come back to me then and say all the niceties about what your husband means.

I am on here originally because my wife of 20 years left at age 42 for an emotional bond she made at work.

Now she says it was all big mistake.

If you are past 40 and still in love/like then you made it, you are one of the lucky ones.

I am not so fortunate


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> Yes what *EternalBacheor* is a negative view, however it is true.
> 
> No woman wants a man she can have.


Excuse me?

I absolutely WANT my husband. And, I have him.

If you're going to act like this, there's no point in talking to you because you're becoming bitter, like far too many of the guys around here.

Did you ever think that a lot of men choose women that just aren't into them that much and then continue to chase them rather than find someone who actually loves them? And maybe that's the real problem. You want what you can't have and try desperately to get and hold onto it. In doing so, you lose her because she wasn't that into you in the first place.

Stop blaming women and look in the damn mirror, for Christ's sake.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> This only proves that some women are needy, self loathing and insecure. They expect rejection so they seek relationships that will insure that outcome. There are just as many men who look for the same kind of relationship. Poor, poor pity me. Boo-hoo-frik'n-hoo!!!
> 
> Pull this crap on a self assured, confident woman and you'll hear hit the road jack fast enough to make your head spin.


Yes, but how many confident women are out there? If 70%+ marriages end in divorce, the dad most likely only sees the kids one day a week and some weekends. He has very little time to tell the girls he fathered how much he loves them to ensure they will grow up well adjusted.

You can look around you everyday and see young girls at risk, the same girls looking for love in all the wrong faces because Dad just wasn't around after the divorce.

I am fortunate in my divorce, my wife left, leaving me with the girls. My biggest accomplishment is that they still don't care for makeup, they wear whatever to school, they dress up now and then, they are fierce academic and sport competitors (My girls are varsity and Division-1 athletes) and they have lots of BOYS as close friends, plus they are just beautiful, not solely my biast opinion.

This maybe a myth, most of the women I meet have emotional bond issues because of their father, they go for whats bad for them, until they get to some age when they are tired of it, but by then they are so tainted they would rather live alone then try again.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

dobo said:


> Excuse me?
> 
> I absolutely WANT my husband. And, I have him.
> 
> ...


Thats you now, how about when you turn 40+, come back and talk to me then.

If you are already there, you are one of the lucky ones.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm 45.

I'm glad all men in their 40s are not such big babies.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

outinthecold said:


> Yes, but how many confident women are out there? .


We must run in different circle because I've met plenty in my line of work. My point is that the percentage of people who seek out the "bad boy/girl" relationships is low. What made them that way is up in the air. One or the other parent, a crisis in childhood, a bad first relationship, flawed DNA..... Could be anything. An interesting scenario about the bond issues with women and I see some validity in some instances in it but can rebuke it with a personal experience. I was once involved with a woman in college who didn't appreciate my "niceness". She really did prefer it if I would treat her like crap. She cheated regularly on me and after I finally told her to go to hell she sought me out even more. She ended up marrying an abusive alcoholic, divorced married again (same kind of guy) divorces again and so on. Her parents divorced when she was 16 and her father had almost no contact with her. But he wasn't the problem, her mother was. She too sought out abusive men just like her X. The girl's behavior was more driven by her mother than father. It was what she knew, what she had been brought up on. Children can be hurt by poor parenting by the father, mother or both.

I just find that the general statement that women seek out this kind of man is laughable. If it were true, there wouldn't be enough pricks available to go around.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Well DOBO

I guess I am a big baby.

Being faithful and always putting your family first counted for nothing in the end.

In the end, an affair (only married three years) and an Emotional Attachment (after 20 years) won out.

I'm only left with being a devoted father now.

Dear Amplexor We really do run in different circles. I work in an engineering firm, know any women that work in this field? The women I know in everyday life are all married, parents of my daughters friends.

So someday maybe I'll grow up, or move or make a movie.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Hey Cold,

Let me ask man. Is there anything that you can think about "you" that may qualify for not meeting that "imaginary 50% watermark" I mentioned? It is terribly convenient at times to point the finger at the other party. Do some critical self-reflection and stand accountable for your part of the marriage failure before moving on to the next relationship brother. Otherwise, you may make some of the same old rotten mistakes that left you in the situation you are in now.

Women really aren't any more complicated than men. They have basic needs like everyone else. I know I railed against them a little but, only tongue in cheek. 

Be happy you have your kids man. I'm 40, had a wife of 14 years and three beautiful children that are a couple of hundred miles from me now. I see them twice a month and I miss them. Perhaps your energy would be better spent in just focusing on them for awhile and work on the accountability part in sections that are manageable.

Best of luck to you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're feeling sorry for yourself and self-pity is very unattractive.

Why don't you go over to the other forums and see how other men are handling things -- and maybe you'll learn something.

You're not ready to date, anyway. You're still licking your wounds and acting a bit loopy because of it.

BTW, I work in a pharmaceutical company. We have engineers, scientists, lawyers, doctors, etc. and many of them are women who are great people. However, as most people will tell you, work is not a good place to look for dates, anyway.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

dobo said:


> You're feeling sorry for yourself and self-pity is very unattractive.
> 
> Why don't you go over to the other forums and see how other men are handling things -- and maybe you'll learn something.
> 
> ...


Go to other forums where men are handling things, thats funny. 

I thought people here wanted to help each other, *DOBO* you seem to paticularly hate me for some reason.

I see the same men here tormented the same way I was. 

Why are you, *DOBO* on this forum, you seem to have no problems of any kind. Lovely marriage, lovely life, are you here to just call people names and degrade them?

You listed Engineers, Scientists, Lawyers, Doctors etc. there seems to be lots of different types of people where you work. You have never been in an Engineering firm, or you would not have said your comment. Go into any Engineering firm you will find that people are exactly the same, just a different face. I mean exactly the same.

As far as dating, I'm not dating, I was just talking, I guess you would have no idea what it is like to have the most important person in your life leave. Then who do you talk to? I have friends, not the same thing. I have no one to tell those special jokes to, that stupid that happened today.

Maybe I am in self-pitty, but you DOBO are no help, just full of criticism.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

*Dear DAN-O*

Thanks for you words, 

I still think women are very different, I would never leave for an emotional attachment.

I have enough character to leave just because it is time.

Not because I met someone else. 

But, Love has no morals, no character, no boundaries, no rules.

I will go with the flow as my friend says and try very hard not to force things like when you put together furniture and have to re-assemble it twenty times before you get it right.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Out in the Cold, for the sake of you daughters, you have to come to grips with what happened in your marriage, quit the pity party, and LIVE. The fact is, any time you love you open your heart to both pleasure and pain. You got pain. That pain can either define who you are for the rest of your life, or you can chose to live. Believeing that woman are vile, fickle, unattainable creatures is going to not only leave you a lonely person, but its going to wreak havoc on your girls when they get older. The bitterness may give them a low opinion of thelmselves and open them up to the idiot men of the world.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You have every reason to feel hurt. But your current state of mind is beyond hurt and into some seriously messed up thinking.

You need to pick yourself up and stop this nonsense. Whether you find that helpful or not is up to you. But you are not handling this with dignity as a lot of men on this forum are.

As for me, I'm fortunate to have a great husband. But not everything has been easy. Being jealous about other people's good fortune is petty at best.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Really Ladies, I just ask a simple question, not thinking it was going to turn into a debate about women virtues.

If you want to know more about my situation read my thread, I started it six(6) months ago

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/5745-hurts-sooooo-bad-right-now.html

I only show my girls one face, it is the face of adoration, respect, and love for who they are.

Never do I rely on them for emotional support, never do I show them how much pain I have endured. I have only been their rock of emotional support for what their mother has done. I never complain about their mother, nor do I ever blame their mother in private or in public.

I was just asking a question, and I thought I would get some fun answers.

Never did I think it would turn into a debate about women.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I gave you some real answers and they were disregarded.

And I forgot to say that I love that he is handy. He can do plumbing and electrical and carpentry. Is he pro-level? Nah. But then he doesn't do that kind of thing all of the time. He can however, get the job done and I look at him with love and admiration watching him create and fix.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

outinthecold, man i feel for ya. while i havent yet been through what you have i can see you've been devestated. i cant obviously answer the question but many guys on here have told stories of finding someone new and they describe a happiness they never knew existed. keep plugging man, it will happen to you someday, and when you find her, you wont feel the need to ask this question anymore.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think okiedokie hit on something...when you find the right one you won't have to ask that question (be it a woman or a man) 

My husband says the best thing about both of us is that we let each other be who we are. We don't get snippy when someone is in a bad mood or cranky - we realize that's just part of life and why escalate it? Love is a choice you make and you have to keep making it - it isn't a one time thing that will stick. Your ex quit choosing to love you - sad but true and nothing will change it. Its time to move on - spend some time on yourself and not be 'looking' for the next someone...when you stop looking is when they will find you.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

My X called our marriage a mistake

She is probably right

Only thing good was the four(4) daughters

Somebody someday for me,

Someday


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

outinthecold said:


> My X called our marriage a mistake
> 
> She is probably right
> 
> ...


4 beautiful daughters and she calls it a mistake??? she has mental issues and your gonna end up much better off, be strong


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Dear mommy22, 

I think that is a real psychical view to trust no man unless he's earned it. I think it is the opposite way or is that too naive.

Trust first, no reason not to.

As far as being angry, I'm not angry at women. There has been a lot of women who have helped me thru this.

Frankly, I love the way women talk, look, smell, smile and the hair, oh the hair, what lovely flowing hair women have.

Yes what I miss most, the sparkle in the voice and the nails on the back.

I have a particularly itchy back, my X use to scratch for me in spots I could not reach.

Now I use a back scratcher, not the same.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

how can we tell you what we want when we arnt sure ourselves ... and when we are sure it is ok for us to change our minds  at least twice !! three times at a push and off course that all depends on what time of the month it is .. etc etc 
we are all different all have different need and if some thing turns me on one day doesnt mean it will the next ... cant explain that one myself


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## troubledparadise (Oct 29, 2009)

I wish I could tell you what all women want, but I can't. I'm just learning that men & women speak two different languages. I know the majority of women do need romance, sometimes (like once a month for me), other than just sex. Romance can be coming home with flowers, unexpected. I personally like when my husband lights candles, turns on soft music and we dance, and kiss. Him telling me that he loves me, or that he needs me, or thinks I'm beautiful. My friends and I all have husbands that RARELY, if ever, tell us that. (Im not counting when you guys say "I love you" as you run out the door! I needs to be said in a moment of meaning).


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Cold,

I understand you are bitter and I would be too.

Women are different, as are men. But generally, my feeling is that women place more emphasis on being the #1 person, and it's important that they be thought of, adored, desired, and cherished by their one and only. It's a need. But would this make every single woman 100% happy if she gets it? There are no guarantees.

Even within those parameters, different women differ in degrees, and some none at all. All come back to the point that different people are just...different.

But my advise is take time off. You are not ready to give yourself again, and will only hurt yourself and others if you try to go out and form some relationship now.

Getting effed over? We all have been there. Your case is particularly tough. I hope you can get beyond this soon.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Cold... I've read a few of your posts in some of the forums, including your original post started in May. It sounded like you were in very real pain and you are just now starting to heal. 

As far as what women want (and what you should be teaching your girls)... women want a man who knows who they are. That's all it really comes down to. Know yourself. DO NOT jump into a marriage before you deal with your own problems. DO NOT jump into parenthood before you know what you can and can't do and what you're capable of... that's what I'm looking for in my friends, my family, and most definitley my husband.

It takes a long time to get to that place... some people never even try. And for as many shallow women you've met, there are that many idiotic men. I worked for 20 years in LA in a male-dominated industry. I would always snicker when some "girlfriend" would say "There are no men in LA!" Hell yes there were. I knew a dozen smart, funny, employed, good-looking fun guys in my circle... but I wouldn't have set them up with any of the women I knew. They were all crazy LA witches. But the situation reverses all the time. I know some smart, caring, honest, attractive young women.... and I would never introduce them to the dumb*ss guys I've met here. You can't classify ALL women or ALL men. It's not that simple.

So, to answer your question, keep working on YOU. Keep being a good FATHER. A Facebook delete is nothing compared to the other things you've endured. You will meet someone who will have lovely flowing hair, long nails, and a faithful nature. Be ready for her. Be healed and know who you are. This is your healing time... use it well.

Good Luck.


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## gardener1965 (Oct 20, 2009)

The most important thing to THIS woman is:
Say what you mean and mean what you say and put me first in your life. If a man could just do that I would be very happy. 

As it is we are working on it.

Good luck to you, it will get better.


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## lilly (Oct 29, 2009)

Well I'm over 40, and really think my husband wishes he was a young bachelor again. Trying to act like Mr. Eternal Bachelor. And its not working for me! Not sure if it's a mid life crises or he's just stupid! And after all these years it hurts to know he can just throw us away like that. And its hard to stop loving someone you have given your all to for so many years. Right now I'm in a love hate feeling for him. And it really sucks!!! I know I deserve better than this! And he can take his bachelor attitude and stick it where the sun don't shine!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

gardener1965 said:


> Say what you mean and mean what you say and put me first in your life. .



and it goes both ways, unfortunately its usually one putting the other first with no reciprocation (men or women).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> you know these days my H actually knows what i want without me having to say it. he can read my facial expressions. its actually really cute. he'll just look at me and say, 'ah you want a hug' or something.


Wow Blanca, I never thought I would be reading this  way to go.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Dear outinthecold,

Any attempt at making a woman "happy" is a complete waste of your time, energy, and money. 

An even sadder fact is that women hold men who do this, make all efforts to make them "happy", in very low regard. Women will of course never admit to this, but just watch their actions and not what they say. How many times have you seen "nice guys" dumped in favor of a men who are jerks; or how many times have your heard women lament....."he is just too nice....." to her girlfriends.

None of this makes any sense of course to a rational mind, and it really is sick, but it is the contruct of the mind of the modern female. To ignore this is to ignore reality.

NEVER waste your time and energy trying to make a woman "happy".
NEVER completely trust a woman.
NEVER forget that women at their core are emotional terrorists.
NEVER sign a marriage contract.

Follow these simple rules and you will live a fuller, more productive, and peaceful life.

Best Regards,

Eternal Bachelor


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Dear lilly,

Your huband is not, and can never be, an Eternal Bachelor............we are frankly a rather select group and married men wishing they were single again does not gain them entrance...........that just confirms them as being fools.

An Eternal Bachelor is a male who never marries because he viewed the state of married men around him and wanted no part of it. An Eternal Bachelor never marries because he has no interest in condeming himself to a lifetime of being a financial slave to a woman. Eternal Bachelors live as free men, they have strong finances, they own property, they have stong savings, they have no debts, and they live as they please and as their finances will allow. Eternal Bachelors are beholden to the whims of no woman. 

An Eternal Bachelor is NOT a man who totally misses the above points, gets married, and years later finally understands the above points and then becomes a poor husband because he finally understands getting married was a mistake.

Frankly you do deserve better. Your husband should honor the obligation he made to you by a legal contract he signed of his own free will.

Best Regards,

Eternal Bachelor


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## etca (Nov 2, 2009)

seven things women want in a man 

1. Apparently the number one trait women look for in a man is “*honesty*”
2. Women can be quite demanding, and the second biggest trait that they look for in a man is “*intelligence*”
3. Nice Smile
4. Daily readers may remember that a *“Sense of humor” *is also one of the foundations of being cool
5. *Good manners *are a subtle non-verbal clue that you have been brought up well, and so therefore maybe rich, which women tend to like.
6. Gainfully employed
7. Sincerity


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

EternalBacheor said:


> An Eternal Bachelor is a male who never marries because he viewed the state of married men around him and wanted no part of it. An Eternal Bachelor never marries because he has no interest in condeming himself to a lifetime of being a financial slave to a woman. Eternal Bachelors live as free men, they have strong finances, they own property, they have stong savings, they have no debts, and they live as they please and as their finances will allow. Eternal Bachelors are beholden to the whims of no woman.


Eternal Bachelors also grow old, and sometimes find they can't pull the birds like they used too! Then they can end up rather lonely.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> Alright, this question has been driving me up the wall, so I just have to ask. How on earth did an eternalbachelor end up on a marriage forum and for what purpose??


I find the eternal bachelor rather amusing and sometimes refreshing. He is also a part of what's happening out there, so he adds to the diversity of voices that enrich our knowledge. And knowledge is power


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