# Divorce and suicide



## snix11

I mentioned to my soon to be ex (who's dumping me) that this was really awful. 

He asked how the grief was so bad, I said because in this situation, when one spouse decides to end the relationship for no apparent reason - no one is having an affair, there is no abuse or addictions, money is tight but manageable with both people working. The only reason given is that he doesn't feel as if he can be emotionally responsible for me. 

He said he will live here till some unspecified time in the future when he feels he can leave and he will let me know right before he goes, but until that time he wishes to act 'normal' in front of the kids and his friends and family.

I told him that that kind of choice hurts even more because it feels to me like he's committing suicide. If you see the relationship as it's own person or living being (apart from yourselves) then when one person decides to 'kill' it, it's like a friend telling you that that they are going to be committing suicide soon, there is nothing you can do about it, and they will let you know right before they do it. 

Not only am I losing my best friend and husband, it's for a reason I can't comprehend and they tell me they are killing 'us' and there is nothing I can do about it. Add to that the weirdness of being requested to act normal and the terror of not knowing when the ax is going to fall. 

No wonder I'm a mess this week


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## michzz

If I were you, I would not accept his terms for this!

If he wants out, then get out.

Contact an attorney about your options. Don't be further blindsided by him.

He may be shocked out of his little game once you take control.


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## martino

Snix,

Maybe an opportunity for you to meet someone who will invest in the relationship. I mean, if my wife was leaving I would be this upset but I would also realize the possibility of finding a better relationship.


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## snix11

I guess it would help if I didn't still love the big dumb ox. sigh...

I really do see him as my best friend still... just one who is confused, and acting like an idiot - both to himself and to me.


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## michzz

So give him clarity and make him either sh!t or get off the pot.

The vagueness does nobody any good.


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## snix11

How would you suggest I give him clarity? I thought I had tried several things... he's still in a fog. I'm all for clarity, but not sure how to reach him inside his 'rock'.


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## michzz

snix11 said:


> How would you suggest I give him clarity? I thought I had tried several things... he's still in a fog. I'm all for clarity, but not sure how to reach him inside his 'rock'.


File for divorce, kick him out of the house. That is what will give him clarity, that you will not play this limbo game.

See, whatever it is he is doing, he is making it ok in his mind to date others, do whatever he pleases financially, and get to see you suffer.

By you drawing a clear line in the sand he gets clarity for sure.

Don't take this.


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## Rhea

snix11 said:


> I guess it would help if I didn't still love the big dumb ox. sigh...
> 
> I really do see him as my best friend still... just one who is confused, and acting like an idiot - both to himself and to me.



You took the words right out of my mouth...everyone in your post is EXACTLY how I feel about my H. Frustrating as all hell and get this ****...he told me I'm HIS best friend?!? WTF?! and we're getting divorced and you want me to be OK w/that? Seriously WTF?!


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## Corpuswife

Same here. I've been married to my husband for 24 years. You have the right analogy on not being able to do anything about it like a suicide. 

However, after 8 months of waiting for him to do something....I've decided to take a tough love approach. I am in the control seat now.

I told him last month that he needed to tell the kids (with me present) that we are divorcing. I will be moving out around June with our daughter and dog. We will divide assets and custody is joint (14 year old and 20 year old) with our daughter. We'll be flexible. I got tired of waiting on his "decision" I want to work on the marriage, we ARE best friends since I was 14. We never argue and work as a team. He is going through some sort of mid life thing or whatever...."I love you but I am no longer in love with you." No affairs no abuse. 

What can I say....I hate to do this but he will get his wishes of being alone and discover the grass isn't greener at the same time.


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## snix11

I expect that's the same talk I'll have with him in Feb (if not sooner)


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## Dad of 3

I'm in much the same situation and I did exactly the same thing a few years ago, so my wife and I are in that type of pattern.

If he's thinking that way, there's a reason, probably another woman. That's what it was in my case. If he wants to go, you can't stop him, no matter what, so let him. Maybe he'll see that life isn't what she's promising him, but he'll have to make amends from there if you'll let him, a tough choice to make for anyone.


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## snix11

Even tho it's the most obvious answer, I don't think there is another woman. I think he may WANT one, but hasn't gone after her yet.


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## Rhea

Dad of 3 said:


> I'm in much the same situation and I did exactly the same thing a few years ago, so my wife and I are in that type of pattern.
> 
> If he's thinking that way, there's a reason, probably another woman. That's what it was in my case. If he wants to go, you can't stop him, no matter what, so let him. Maybe he'll see that life isn't what she's promising him, but he'll have to make amends from there if you'll let him, a tough choice to make for anyone.


Dad of 3 did she come back? Or try to? If so what did you do?


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## snix11

I've done that once in my life... lost a guy to another woman then he came back. I won't do it again. If he leaves me for another woman, I won't EVER take him back. Ever.


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## cartomany

if his the reponsible type, losing his job would trigger an emotional drawback. He feel he no longer can be the man in the house and taking of of his family.

You may want to try and probe his financial status.


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## IfYouSaySo

In reference to what Corpuswife said...I love you but am not in-love with you...I just don't get this at all! Is that part of the mid-life crisis thing?? 

Snix I feel for you....I'm in a similar situation and am feeling lost myself...please let me know how it works out for you. I know I'm a stranger but I'm a great listener...er well reader/responder lol...feel free to pm if you need to vent =)

Good Luck!!


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## snix11

ifyousayso... thanks  

If I'm distant, he notices and is more loving. But if I'm loving, he ignores me. It's crazy making.


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## IfYouSaySo

snix11 said:


> If I'm distant, he notices and is more loving. But if I'm loving, he ignores me. It's crazy making.


This is exactly how my h is!


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## snix11

maybe it's something in the water... what is it with them?? lol


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## IfYouSaySo

Water sounds good lol!

I want to believe it's a mid-life crisis but I WANT to believe it's alot of things other than what it really is, which I'm clueless on as to having no answers ***sigh***


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## IfYouSaySo

I wonder if this show is on in my area....

Unfortunately I am in no position financially to go anywhere. I have nowhere to go. No money...job...friends...etc. I know people will comment that where there is a will there is a way and if I were really serious I would go period. To that I must say each situation is different and one persons resorces may not be available to someone else.

I do think the distance is an issue for this continuing...neither my H or this woman have financial freedom, especially us having the 3 children.

Is the census that moving out of my house is the only true way to find out what and/or if he is willing to save our marriage? What are the alternative measures if this is simply not an option??

Thx!!


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## TheDiddler

its a wake up call for sure. find out why.

I mean if he were to have said something different like: "I can't take the way we are anymore when we're together, something really needs to change."

You would be just as clueless as to what the problem is, but you would be examining things, to see what problems there are and what you can change to make things better for the both of you, right?

Just put it in your mind that that's what he said and see if you can find out why.


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## snix11

Thanks for the reply Diddler. Unfortunately he moved out a month ago. I never did figure out what i did wrong. He is (and has been for a year now) completely over me.


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## IfYouSaySo

oh noes! Snix....BIG HUGS....


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## snix11

thanks... dealing with it...


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## JMAN777

I've only been married for a few years and am already dealing with this BS. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation but I hope things get better. For me money is good, job security is great but my spouse is considering leaving only b/c of the emotional aspect. I mean, when the going gets a little rough people have to leave nowadays? Does not seem fair.


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## luvmihorses

Maybe you should try acting happy,and excited about "ALL THE NEW ADVENTURES LIFE HOLDS" and when he asks about it just tell him you "thought about it,and realized you were right honey" life can be so exciting, it will be diffrent and maybe even difficult,but I'm ready to be my own women and see what life has for me" for one thing they love to hear they are right but it might make hime think twice, but it might make hime decide to leave, which he should he does not have the right to string you along, and if he does than you go out and take the world by the tale honey, you can do this and it can be great!! it really can not every day will be wonderful but it never is but there is something to be said for making your own way on your terms! GOOD LUCK AND HAVE FUN


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## Andre2000

IfYouSaySo said:


> This is exactly how my h is!


Big red flag. This is trust issues. 

This describes me to a T now after I divorced my cheating, lying, and abusive wife.

I'm having problems with my love life now because of it. It's getting so bad that....I don't trust anyone anymore besides my family. 

This is a trust thing because it is exactly what I do now. I go out, find a woman thats into me, get her number, get her to chase me...when she gives up, I chase her and try to get her to come back and chase me again.

The way I get them to chase, is by not caring, not picking up the phone when they call, not replying to text messages, acting like I don't care about them.

Then they try harder until they get mad and give up, but for that split second while they tried harder...it made me feel good...and then I feel the need to chase when they give up because I feel like I'm being rejected and I want to feel good again and have them chase me. It shows me they care. 

I hate it. I'm exhausted from it but I can't help it. I feel like I can't invest my emotions and my essence into them because I was betrayed so badly. 

Did you betray him? Think about it? If not...did someone else?

Hope this give some perspective into your man's mind....


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## snix11

Andre2000 said:


> Big red flag. This is trust issues.
> 
> This describes me to a T now after I divorced my cheating, lying, and abusive wife.
> 
> I'm having problems with my love life now because of it. It's getting so bad that....I don't trust anyone anymore besides my family.
> 
> This is a trust thing because it is exactly what I do now. I go out, find a woman thats into me, get her number, get her to chase me...when she gives up, I chase her and try to get her to come back and chase me again.
> 
> The way I get them to chase, is by not caring, not picking up the phone when they call, not replying to text messages, acting like I don't care about them.
> 
> Then they try harder until they get mad and give up, but for that split second while they tried harder...it made me feel good...and then I feel the need to chase when they give up because I feel like I'm being rejected and I want to feel good again and have them chase me. It shows me they care.
> 
> I hate it. I'm exhausted from it but I can't help it. I feel like I can't invest my emotions and my essence into them because I was betrayed so badly.
> 
> Did you betray him? Think about it? If not...did someone else?
> 
> Hope this give some perspective into your man's mind....


No, I never betrayed him. He always said he was never jealous, even a year into the relationship, when the sex was no longer fun for him he urged me to 'go have sex with other guys if you need to honey - it's not you, i just don't feel like having sex.'' 

Yeah right. Anyway, no I never cheated, but his wife before me, of 17 years according to him did. He was still in love with her but she was 'doing' everybody BUT him. I don't know why, or what happened. 

I do know that it seemed like we were SOOO close, then almost 'too' close for him. He asked me to marry him, we were closer than I have ever been to anyone, ever. 

It's like he got too close to me, got scared of getting hurt, then slingshot himself the other way into total apathy. 

He's been gone for 3.5 months now, and I'm just now beginning to realize the depth of his cowardice and abuse and neglect. The way he treated me was worse than horrid. I was just so in love with him, I kept forgiving him, hoping he would see what he was doing, care and stop. 

He would have me rub his back every night, insisted on sleeping in the same bed with me, then would totally ignore me and treat me like dirt. Sex was me giving him oral, then him rolling over and reading a book asking me to rub his back till he fell asleep. I couldn't even masturbate - he said it made him feel guilty (as it should!!) and he would get angry if i did. He was controlling to the nth degree - slamming doors, throwing things, breaking things, taking my keys, not letting me leave the house or room to get his way. He would twist everything I said, and make any act of love or kindness into something self serving or evil. If I brought him coffee in the morning, he would say "what's this for?" in a mean way and pour it out. Then ask his 10 yr old daughter in a syrupy voice to please go make daddy some coffee. He would of course deny it was anything to do with me etc. 

This sort of abuse and torture was the norm for him. Once in a great while he would break down and cry - telling me he KNEW what he was doing to me and felt awful about it. But he would never stop. 

I really loved him. I never cheated on him. I did nothing wrong. But he still had his 17 yr old son beat me up, then tried to blame it on me. Now he and his son are facing felony assault charges and him for retaliation. He has gotten me fired, gone to court and purjured himself saying he was my employee (of all the stupid things) rather than my partner and is enlisting his hateful ex social worker aunt to try and get fully custody of our 1 yr old son when all i've ever asked for was joint custody. 

My life has been totally ruined by this man and it doesn't look like he is going to stop any time soon. Even after he left, I told him I could forgive him, he was welcome to his freedom and porn and redheads and all I wanted was to try to get along for the sake of the baby. But he still won't quit. He threatens me, harasses me, refuses to see his son then calls it my fault and this madness seems never ending.

Does this fit into that mold of yours Andre?


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## Nicola B

I just read this and the thing that really stands out is he says he 'can't be responsible for you emotionally'. Have you taken a moment to really think about this. You may need to take a really big look at how you handle your emotions and if you actually make them some elses responsiblity.

It mar be too late for this relationship but if you want to have a long term relationship in the future, work out what it is he is saying and do something about it.

Nicola Simple Divorce Advice


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