# Suddenly Triggering



## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

I've been gone for a few months now... I've been doing great, my career has been going well, I'm spending more time with friends and recently I've been enjoying the activities I used to enjoy again. My husband essentially only contacts me when he needs something (like a ride to work) and although strained and stressful, I think I've been doing quite well.

There are times I pick up the phone to text him and tell him about my day and think "nah". My boss, whom I consider to be just the most amazing and intelligent woman ever, has provided a great deal of support, even letting my dogs and I stay at her rental property until it sells.

I've left every man I ever dated. I guess it never hurt me much because it was always MY decision, MY desire to move on. I guess my who was always reassured that they all wanted me back and I was the one In control.... In the same exact fashion I left my husband several weeks ago, and I was absolutely fine with it. But he doesn't ask me back. Doesn't apologize or profess his undying love for me... Quite literally, "Out of sight, Out of mind."

But tonight... Happily pecking away on Facebook, making plans for tomorrow evening and just winding down... I came across an article by Psychology Today discussing the importance of cuddling... All the sudden I was smashed and crushed and washed away by this tsunami of emotional pain, the memories and feelings of rejection, and of all the questionable and unanswered pleas for transparency and closure... I just can't stop feeling this crushing breathlessness looking back on everything... All the little weird things that didn't add up or make sense, all the things I will probably never know the truth about, but the greatest pain came from reading the article and remembering all the ways he behaved and all the things he said and all the fights he ever picked.... JUST to free himself from being physically affectionate with me....

For years I told him how loved and safe I felt on the rare occasions he would touch, hold, tickle, play and laugh with me... And it seemed the more I expressed this, the harder he tried to f*** it up, so that he could twist my feedback into a criticism, thus giving himself permission to withhold.... Do you know what I mean? I wasn't like a hen-pecking wife, I hated to try and communicate things to him like "when you roll your eyes and use that snarky tone of voice to "announce" how much I must need a hug, I don't really get the sincerity and comfort I need from it". He was so awful, he talked to me much like how one may talk to a child... He would just be horribly patronizing and condescending about it....

I think back to all the bad things said and done, all the sh!tty things we BOTH said and did.... And absolutely nothing, NOTHING, not even the panties on my bed, hurt me as much as the absence of his touch.... He would go to such great lengths to ensure that I KNEW he was capable, just not willing for me. In fact, one of his favorite things to do, especially when I begged him to put his arms around me and just hold me... Was to instead seek out, pick up, snuggle and sweet talk one of our cats... And quite often compound the rejection I was already trying to hold in, by telling me I needed to "calm down" because I was upsetting the cat (quite obviously relaxed in his arms... Where I had just begged to be). He cared not if his wife was in tears spilling her soul out to him.... He would make sure I KNEW how much I didn't matter to him....

So I've been bawling for the last two hours... Fighting the urge to call him, fighting that urge to act out and place this energy somewhere... Because it's 3am and I have to work early tomorrow ... I don't even know what I'm doing... I only know I need to get this out of my body.... I just feel so physically suffocated under the weight of my own emotions...


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It comes and goes...I have been separated exactly one year, after being married for twenty. Soon to be divorced. My ex and I are cordial, texts or emails a few times a month, he picked me up when I had a flat tire, etc...Although our relationship had deteriorated to almost no physical contact, I know what you mean about hugging, cuddling, etc...have adopted a little dog this year, which helps me a lot as far as snuggling but it is not a complete replacement. And as far as dating...ugh can't even imagine going through that after 23 yrs with my husband. It would seem like science fiction to me.

I have never been a very demonstrative person, but my friends have been hugging me in greetings and partings this year...maybe they think I need it lol. And I probably do. I hope you have other people in your life for those occassional, necessary hugs, sounds like you do. The other kind...well that may take a while, if you are not up for casual encounters. I am not, mainly because of what it would involve to even get to that point, i.e meeting someone I could vaguely imagine being intimate with and all that goes with "dating". I guess I do not have much advice...sorry  but I understand how you are feeling. Your ex is probably not the answer...though many many couples end up reuniting for sex sometimes after a split...probably in part due to these kinds of feelings and the need for human contact. Be strong...take care.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Everything...we have such similarities. I was jealous of our new puppy! That is the saddest thing.....my husband struggled with being "to tired" and had ED...so it made things complicated but really if he took his medications; rested; didn't drink to much...it would be find. But it had to be his choice and not mine.

I haven't been separated from my husband long...however, I do well for the most part. I am still struggling to detach the heart from my head. I know he's not healthy for me. When I see him, my emotions erupt (after he leaves) and I am upset for the day.

I have decided to NOT see him anymore unless a have to....

He has more things to get from the house. My daughter will be there....I choose to not be around unhealthy people.

Hang in there....it will get better. I pray everyday for it.


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