# Is my marriage on the rocks or am I being dramatic?



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Okay, a little background: we have been married for six months on december 6th, before that, we have known eachother for almost three years? Im in my late teens and he is in his late twenties. We are from different cultures and i currently live in his country with his parents. My parents and siblings moved back to the UK, my home country, less than a month after I was married. I had a lot of issues with my dad, who would beat me up and kinda locked me in and didnt let me do much. I was a depressed teenager and self harmed. Been clean for maybe one and a half years, but I still think about it. The sex is maybe three to four times a week, sometimes more, and apart from some pain on my behalf (we are working on that) it is great sex. I have always been an introvert. Dont really feel comfortable around people, prefer my own company, dont like going out and I avoid anything new at all costs, esp if it is outside and involves meeting new people. 

Our marriage started out great, But then the fights began. We fight every week or two. Huge fights. It is always my fault. I keep forgetting little things to do around the house like make sure his clothes for work are ironed or pick up the scrap of paper he dropped under the bed the other day. He feels like I dont really want to learn to be a better housewife and I am not really open to change. I have found his family very different to mine and I am struggling to fit in and still feel very awkard. He says he always imagined his wife being so ambitious and doing so many different things. I used to want to be a writer, a therapist of some sort, a mother, a housewife and study my religion properly and maybe even become more religious. I am not sure what happened but I dont really have ambitions anymore. I just dont really want to do much in life other than what is neccessary in my home like cooking and cleaning and laundry and then I just want to relax with some tv or my phone. He loathes that. 

I feel like he is constantly comparing me to his mother and sisters who have all been married for years with kids and his brothers' wives. And I cant be compared to them. We are not the same and I am so much younger than them it just doesnt make sense. He said I should be like them more and try to learn from and do what they do because that is what makes him happy and I am like why did you marry me then I was so obviously not like your family? I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough for him but he reassures me and says that he sees my efforts and appreciates them and I can be like them and better. He thinks it is crazy how I dont get a fight in me and try so hard to be better and I just dont really care or have the fight in me.

I want to change but I dont have any fight in me, I care about him and I dont want to loose him yet I still cant manage to pull myself together and work on being better for me then for him. I do admit that I am wrong in so many things and that i will change but then i just stop. I have changed already for the better but I am still far away from being what I am supposed to be. All these fights are taking a toll on me and I have found my confidence to have completely gone and I am very insecure especially when it comes to my husband. 

Tonight, I made him cry. I have never seen him cry and it really hit me that I am too hurting him, not only myself, that he is still in love with me despite him saying he feels like marrying me was a mistake and maybe I am too young and he shouldnt have come to me. I told him I dont want him to live like this and I will try and change. But I dont want to change myself completely for him. is that selfish?

When we arent fighting, we are so happy, we laugh and joke, we spend time together and do things together and just have a good time like two bestfriends. It is great. He is thoughtful and loving and caring. We both want this to work and I know I need to change. I just want other peoples views and advice. I dont know where to start. I am sorry if this is too long.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

To be honest, you are quite young to be dealing with what you are dealing with. Many other young women your age are at the same stage of figuring out what they want to do with their lives, but with the love and support of family who know them, know their faults and accept them.

Unfortunately you have only the support of a husband who wants you to be perfect from the get go, to be this fantastic wife who fulfils all of his expectations. That sort of wife is a work in progress. You don't start out that way, but two people work together to build a contented life. It takes many years, and the learning curve never actually stops. If it was so easy to get it right from day dot, there wouldn't be so many people getting divorced.

Right now you don't have any drive because you don't have any passions. What you should be doing at this stage of your life is experiencing new things to find what out what you're good at. You don't have any confidence because you don't feel like you have any value. You need to find a job or something that will make you feel valuable. You may have to push yourself, force yourself initially.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

He says he knows I cant be perfect, but he wants to see me try be better, and that is what will make him happy. 

I am currently studying. I have been homeschooled for three years now and i have one year until graduation. I think maybe I should force myself to focus on school for now which my husband supports and hopefully that should get me out of my lazy cycle. 

My husband did nothing all summer; just sat and watched tv or went out with me. Then september came, he went back to work (he is a teacher), he started tutoring, he went back to uni starting a new course, went back to some religious teacher to study something or the other, started taking some kind of martial arts class so he is doing so much and he is always just doing more and more and it amazes me to be honest.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you depressed? One of the signs of depression is not wanting to do anything, not having any will to do anything, even things you used to enjoy.

You're young, you're away from your family, you feel like an outsider, you're newly married, and you live with your in-laws. That's a lot of change and requires significant adjustment time. Getting involved with things outside the house can help you in feeling more at home. If you can't make yourself do that, you might be depressed.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Marriage is a huge adjustment -- especially when you are very young. There's no reason to think your marriage is on the rocks. I'm sure it's difficult living with your in-laws. Especially when he wants you to be exactly like his mother and the other females in the family. 

You are probably experiencing some depression with all the changes in your life -- especially considering your parents and siblings have returned to the UK and you are in Algeria -- and that's understandable. Can you see a therapist to help with that?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mystic, here are my observations:


You married a much older guy and while you are way too young - double whammy!

As if this wasn't difficult enough, you also married someone from Algeria and you were born and raised in the UK. Culture clash even if your father is Algerian. I am betting that he had something to do with encouraging you to marry a man from Algeria.

Your dad sounds very abusive - something I have seen with many men from the middle east - this alone should have told you something about the culture. It is extremely sexist and you sound like a bright (although very young) lady. You deserve better.

I am not even convinced that you fell in love - more like infatuated with the situation. Marrying an older, more experienced man, of the same faith, from your father's country.

There are plenty of non abusive Muslim men in the UK that you could have married (later in life though once you had finished growing up) if faith was important to you.

I would, at first pass, lay a large proportion of blame for your situation at your father's feet.

Unfortunately, I do not think things are going to get better with you living in Algeria. I have seen this too many times to say otherwise. It is your husband not you that is being dramatic and needs a good wake up call. This might happen when he matures, typically at 35 or later! You can speed this up by the two of you putting as much distance between (a) him and Algeria, and (b) him and his family. Bring him to the UK as soon as you can and make sure he doesn't talk you into going back there until you are stronger and in a better position. Also do not get dependent on him as it will come back to bite you in the butt later in life. Get a career or something once you are back in the UK and certainly, do not let your father bully or abuse you anymore.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

norajane said:


> Are you depressed? One of the signs of depression is not wanting to do anything, not having any will to do anything, even things you used to enjoy.
> 
> You're young, you're away from your family, you feel like an outsider, you're newly married, and you live with your in-laws. That's a lot of change and requires significant adjustment time. Getting involved with things outside the house can help you in feeling more at home. If you can't make yourself do that, you might be depressed.


I just dont feel bothered. the only thing I am interested in is this monthly gathering for foreigners who speak in English in Algeria or seeing my best friend who is, too, a foreigner living in Algeria with her Algerian husband. Can I still be depressed and still want to do these two things? Oh, I also like going out on dates with my husband. We havent in maybe two months now because of his busy schedule and our car was badly damaged in a car crash so we are carless and there isnt much to do close by. I think this is adding more stress.

My husband feels like I am not open to change and embracing my new life style. I do agree, to some extent, I dont want to lose who I am. But I do want to fit in. I used to just hide in my room when his sisters or extended family came over for visits, but now I talk to them and even get along with a couple of his sisters as friends. But it is still weird. i mean, they are my husband's sisters. I dont feel like I can trust any of them like I would my friends or family because he is their family and they will stick to him and get offended if I say something about him or their mother or whatever. Just a basic example. 

I think I will sign up for some tutoring outside of home and see how that goes then maybe open myself up to more things. My husband clearly supports me doing things, which is really important.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Marriage is a huge adjustment -- especially when you are very young. There's no reason to think your marriage is on the rocks. I'm sure it's difficult living with your in-laws. Especially when he wants you to be exactly like his mother and the other females in the family.
> 
> You are probably experiencing some depression with all the changes in your life -- especially considering your parents and siblings have returned to the UK and you are in Algeria -- and that's understandable. Can you see a therapist to help with that?


I havent really looked into therapy here and while I am open to that idea, I dont know if we can afford it and I want to try different things first before going to therapy. 

My husband admitted last night that I was too young to live up to his expectations and he should go easy on me. He teaches people my age and I think that never really clicked for him.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Mystic, here are my observations:
> 
> 
> You married a much older guy and while you are way too young - double whammy!
> ...


My father did not force me or talk me into marrying an Algerian. He is not one of those people who want his daughters to marry a man from his country or his sons to find wives in his country. As long as the person is a good human, he is okay with it. 
My father did beat me and I am or was scared of him and hold some resentment. But I do love him and he has worked so hard to give us all the best life possible and he loves us, and I respect that. I just dont want to make my father seem like a monster because he isnt.

My husband isnt abusive nor is he sexist. I really dont want to give that impression about him. He is a good man, respected and looked up to by everyone. 

Funnily enough, when I spoke to my mum yesterday, she too said he was being dramatic and immature and needs to grow up. I try to tell our problems from both POVs and be as honest because I do feel like these problems are because of me, not him, and eveyone is telling me otherwise and I am struggling how to deal with it all. 

We are currently going thru the process of applying for his visa. Then we are planning on leaving as soon as June and staying the entire summer and maybe longer if we find jobs and maybe get his visa sorted out and sort out some kind of stay for him for an extended period of time. We dont know for sure if we could end up staying for a few years, and I really hope we do so we can get to know eachother away from his family and his country, even though I want to settle down and live in Algeria. Just not with his family, or on top of them like his parents were saying a while back when the discussed building us an apartment on top of their house. I appreciate the kindness but thanks no thanks. 

Before we get that done, I am not looking at divorce as a viable option for us.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MysticTeenager said:


> Okay, a little background: we have been married for six months on december 6th, before that, *we have known eachother for almost three years*? *Im in my late teens and he is in his late twenties*. We are from different cultures and i currently live in his country with his parents. My parents and siblings moved back to the UK, my home country, less than a month after I was married. I had a lot of issues with my dad, who would beat me up and kinda locked me in and didnt let me do much. I was a depressed teenager and self harmed. Been clean for maybe one and a half years, but I still think about it. The sex is maybe three to four times a week, sometimes more, and apart from some pain on my behalf (we are working on that) it is great sex. I have always been an introvert. *Dont really feel comfortable around people, prefer my own company, dont like going out and I avoid anything new at all costs, esp if it is outside and involves meeting new people. *
> 
> Our marriage started out great, But then the fights began. We *fight every week or two. Huge fights. It is always my fault.* *I keep forgetting little things to do around the house* like *make sure his clothes for work are ironed or pick up the scrap of paper he dropped under the bed the other day. He feels like I dont really want to learn to be a better housewife* and I am not really open to change. I have found his family very different to mine and I am struggling to fit in and still feel very awkard. *He says he always imagined his wife being so ambitious and doing so many different things*. I used to want to be a writer, a therapist of some sort, a mother, a housewife and study my religion properly and maybe even become more religious. I am not sure what happened but I dont really have ambitions anymore. I just dont really want to do much in life other than what is neccessary in my home like cooking and cleaning and laundry and then I just want to relax with some tv or my phone. He loathes that.
> 
> ...


*Often the abused is the last to know that they were abused.* You have been abused by your father and now you are being abused by your husband. Very normal in Algeria and in the Middle East.

Your early abuse has got you feeling uncomfortable around other people. Again, I have seen this time and time again in immigrant families from the East.

You are 18 now and have known your husband who is some 10 years older for 3 years. That would make your original meet up underage - very very inappropriate and depending on what he was trying with you when he met you, illegal (it would make him an official child molester). Underage relationships are rife in Algeria and in the rest of the Middle East. 

Your father used to beat you - abuse! It was his duty to bring you up and provide for you. That doesn't absolve him from his abusive and bullying actions. Sorry I don't buy that he was a "good" man. You sound like you have been brainwashed by someone. Again you would be the last to know this.

Your father came to the UK for a reason. And it certainly was not because things were great in Algeria. Of course, I have often heard from immigrants when things get tough that "it was so much better in the old country, at least we had good weather, good food and lots of respect" - I call bullish!t on that every time. Now you want to settle and live in Algeria !?! Why!?!?

I am going to sign off this thread but do come back and visit in 5 years time when you realise that you have been abused, brainwashed and mama's boy is never going to man up. He compares you to his mama and sisters and has you believing that your are at fault - for not ironing his shirts and picking up his [email protected]!


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> *Often the abused is the last to know that they were abused.* You have been abused by your father and now you are being abused by your husband. Very normal in Algeria and in the Middle East.
> 
> Your early abuse has got you feeling uncomfortable around other people. Again, I have seen this time and time again in immigrant families from the East.
> 
> ...


I think we live in different places and have different ideas. I was fifteen when we met. 16 when we got together,but nothing sexual until we got married. I was always afraid of seeking advice like this because people would call my husband a child molester, which he isnt. We took things at MY pace and did things when I was ready NOT him. Pereverted men do not marry and have children with the KIDS they abused. I went through a super long process in Algeria with courts and interviews to make sure I want to marry my H and that I was NOT forced or talked into it. I have been sexually abused by a 50 something year old relative and I know what abuse is. I know what it is like. My husband is nothing like that. 

I appreciate you taking time to comment and also appreciate you refraining from posting on my thread because this is not what I need right now. I might wake up twenty years from now and realise what you said is true and when that happens, I will drop you a message and say you are right.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't have to message me to say I am right - I hope I am wrong - that would be a good result!

And don't get me wrong - I have seen many wonderful, kind, intelligent and considerate Algerian men - many of my friends and also a couple of university lecturers.

But its just that I have seen this too many times before. I was born in the Middle East and even though I grew up in London, I am part British too (British Army brat), I speak Arabic and had a lot of Algerian friends in the Swiss Cottage Pub area of London where all kind of things used to go down in the 70's. I do know the Algerian culture better than you think and had an Algerian gf for a period of time (although from France) when I was in my teens. She was wonderful and like many Moroccans that I knew, a lot more independent than most of the other girls from Algeria. So don't assume that I am coming at this from an ignorant point of view.

I do believe that my relatives in the Middle East grow up in an abusive environment. I was beaten up as a kid and restricted from all kinds of things and it quite simply was abuse. So I am not just targeting you and your family. (Incidentally, this abusive environment used to exist in the UK and other parts of Europe in the Middle Ages so it is not unique to the Middle East).

I really hope this is just a maturity issue and I do hope your husband comes round and that he is genuinely a decent person.

Take care of yourself - you are young but from your writing, very intelligent and loyal. I hope he deserves you.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Get out of there. You have no business being a Muslim wife in a majority Muslim country. If you think it's bad now, wait until you are older and STILL not perfect.


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

OP, you have made a MASSIVE mistake. You have married into a very backward inferior, yes, inferior uncivilized culture. Your life will ONLY get worse. GET OUT FAST!


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> You don't have to message me to say I am right - I hope I am wrong - that would be a good result!
> 
> And don't get me wrong - I have seen many wonderful, kind, intelligent and considerate Algerian men - many of my friends and also a couple of university lecturers.
> 
> ...


I dont feel so upset or hurt by your post anymore. I hate stereotyping which is what I thought you were doing but you actually have experience with this. I too grew up restricted and yes, it was abuse. I can admit to that. 

My husband is not abusing me. He is encouraging me and helping me to study, go to university and study psychology like I always wanted, he encourages me to read and write as those were such big passions of mine. He keeps finding things for me to do and I just shut him down and say no and close my mind to other options. Not sure why. He doesnt want me to be just a housewife who runs around after his crap. He gets annoyed because I dont do anything. I wanted to be a housewife and apart from the basics, I am lazy and messy and it aggravates him. If I were doing something and didnt cook or clean, he wouldnt mind because I was actually doing something productive for me. Algerian abusive men want their women to stay at home like slaves and give them babies and do all the chores and not complain. They dont like them to go out or meet friends or study or work. Though things are improving in this country, so many people are still like that. I would have never married a man who would just shut me down.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> OP, you have made a MASSIVE mistake. You have married into a very backward inferior, yes, inferior uncivilized culture. Your life will ONLY get worse. GET OUT FAST!


WW, is your name really Walter White or are you a Breaking Bad fan? I cant figure out which one is actually more awesome. 
I think you have gotten me wrong. But thank you for input nontheless. I will think about what you said.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I have spoken to my Husband about maybe wanting therapy. He supports me. To those who suggested I may be depressed.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've had a lot of major life changes in the last six months. A little help from a therapist in adjusting can't be a bad thing.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MysticTeenager said:


> I dont feel so upset or hurt by your post anymore. I hate stereotyping which is what I thought you were doing but you actually have experience with this. I too grew up restricted and yes, it was abuse. I can admit to that.
> 
> My husband is not abusing me. He is encouraging me and helping me to study, go to university and study psychology like I always wanted, he encourages me to read and write as those were such big passions of mine. He keeps finding things for me to do and I just shut him down and say no and close my mind to other options. Not sure why. He doesnt want me to be just a housewife who runs around after his crap. He gets annoyed because I dont do anything. I wanted to be a housewife and apart from the basics, I am lazy and messy and it aggravates him. If I were doing something and didnt cook or clean, he wouldnt mind because I was actually doing something productive for me. Algerian abusive men want their women to stay at home like slaves and give them babies and do all the chores and not complain. They dont like them to go out or meet friends or study or work. Though things are improving in this country, so many people are still like that. I would have never married a man who would just shut me down.


In that case you are just a messy lazy teenager 
Don't worry - I had four of them! Your husband wants you to grow up fast! But you need your teenage years as part of your growing up so don't feel too bad about that. And I am glad to hear that your husband understands and supports that. The main thing is that maybe you should come back to the UK until you are older, more developed and have fulfilled some of your dreams and plans. It will be so much more rewarding for both of you especially if he is part of this. And don't give up on your dreams and tell him to stop comparing you to his mum and sisters. Tell him he will be amazed at the result if he supports you.

Good luck and stay true to yourself. And come back to the UK as soon as you get his visa sorted out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MysticTeenager said:


> I have spoken to my Husband about maybe wanting therapy. He supports me. To those who suggested I may be depressed.


It's good hear that your husband understands that counseling might help you. I do think that you are depressed. The last few months have brought huge changes to your life, changes that you are not really ready to go through. 

In the past girls married early, 12-16 was very normal. They married older men as you did. I know that in parts of the world it's still like that today. But this is not the world you grew up in, so you were not taught how to deal with it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Use the opportunity to be a "sponge" and absorb as much of the culture, language, etc as you can. Think of it as study abroad.

When you return to the UK you can go on with your life. Go to college, etc etc. Your husband needs to adjust his expectations. You're doing well but stop the confrontations. Both of you need to mature on this one.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Oh my. He was a 25 yr old man "talking" to a 15 yr old child. Was he teaching you the secrets of the universe? No, he was seeing if you were good "grooming" material. Abused, wanted to leave home ASAP, yep. 

I know you will discount this advice, but I doubt he will stay in the U.K. Your first clue should have been that his folks want to build an apt. on top of them. He doesn't need to "sort" his papers. What does he need to do to go to the U.K? Then you are the same age as his students. Super creepy. 

Please don't take offense, although all this sounds offensive. YOU are not to blame for not being a perfect wife/maid/cook/daughter-in law, sister-in-law, etc... If he is so great, why is he going after children abroad rather than adult women where he lives? 

I will stop now because I have a 21 yr old daughter and if ANYONE tried to manipulate her I would go nuts.


----------



## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you for your advice, everyone. 

Scatty, I understand where you are coming from and that posting things from my marriage would bring comments like yours. I respect your opinion. I was 15 when he took interest in me, but I certainly didnt look it. I dont want to really explain myself, really, but I have been sexually abused and I am not an idiot to walk into some kind of perverse marriage to a child molester. But, thank you for you comment and your concern.


----------

