# 32 married for almost 16 years and ready to leave!



## idkwhat2do (Oct 17, 2012)

Ok, this is a first for me. I guess I'm at the end of my rope and seeking help wherever I can get it. I got pregnant when I was 16 husband was 21. I've known his family since I was 9 and though the age different seems crazy now. I didn't see it back then, obviously because I was young. So even though he said he wanted to marry (before the pregnancy) we were told to get married by our pastor. We did so and now almost 16 years of marriage and 4 children, I'm bored!!!!! I love sex, he works all the time and likes to sleep. He's never been romantic and it bothers me to no end. I feel like I deserve someone who's going to show me he loves me and do little things to make me feel loved and thought of. I know he loves me, but I want him to show me. I'm so resentful towards him. I gave up everything to be a mother and wife and feel I got nothing in return. He's not a bad guy, I guess he just thinks being a provider and not being out at the bars with his coworkers makes him a good husband and I don't agree. I feel like I'm not attracted to him anymore. When he tries to hug me, I sometimes cringe and just want him to get away. I feel so horrible writing all of this and getting out, but I just don't know what else to do??? I want excitement I want to go out on dates and not end up at walmart for things we need at the house or the kids or at a movie where there's no communication. I'm so mad I want to scream at times, ok... all the time. Anyone have any suggestions??can i just say I feel robbed. I know I shouldn't have opened my legs so young but Im not here to be criticized. I stayed with the father of my children and love him. I guess Im just falling out of love.....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A few suggestions, and I don't know why anyone would criticize your for a successful marriage of 16 years, even if it is burdened at the moment. 

1. You aren't speaking the same love languages, it seems. I would encourage you to read The Five Languages of Love as soon as possible.

2. What stops you from planning a date once in a while? If you can plan to go to a movie, what's the reason you can't go to dinner instead, or to a concert?


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## idkwhat2do (Oct 17, 2012)

I will definitely read that. As far me planning a date, Ive done it and it never goes as planned. Im the hopeless romantic and he's the stay home and play video games or watch an action packed movie type. When we do go to the movies, we usually do dinner before and it seems all we have in common is the kids and video games. We can try and talk about other things but it ends up about the kids or an awkward silence....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Maybe you have nothing in common because you married due to a pregnancy. Was there any real love or were you just marrying because that was expected?

Is there anything that you and your husband both enjoy? That could be a conversation topic or you could always talk about your relationship.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I wonder if it's really a marrying at a young age thing, or if it happens to everyone. We grow and change, and that's a good thing, right? 

The part of your post that resonated with me is when you said how angry and resentful you are. I know exactly how you feel. For me, I think it might be that what's at the root of the anger and resentment is insecurity, but admitting that is difficult. Needing my husband's love and affection leaves me feeling vulnerable and in danger of being hurt again. Anger and resentment are much less risky!

But, I think I'm figuring out that letting myself be vulnerable again is necessary, or else I won't really be letting him get close to me, which is ultimately what I want. So I feel like my choices here are to take a risk or close off. The only problem is, I'm terrified to take a risk! So, I'm kind of feeling stuck. It'd be nice if he didn't make me take the risk and just magically transformed into the person I suddenly want him to be. 

Sigh. I think taking the risk, putting myself back out there, and being vulnerable again is the only way. Then again, maybe I'm way off base! I'll be reading the replies you get. Good luck to you! I'm sure there's a way back to where you want to be.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

idkwhat2do said:


> ....... I know he loves me, but I want him to show me. I'm so resentful towards him. I gave up everything to be a mother and wife and feel I got nothing in return. He's not a bad guy, I guess he just thinks being a provider and not being out at the bars with his coworkers makes him a good husband and I don't agree......


tbh If you met him ten years later I think you would still be feeling this - it's part of married life and before you throw it all in the sink think about the things YOU can freshen it up genuinely with without having a hard hat on about him and what he does not do and of course TALK to him about this. 

_*I guess he just thinks being a provider and not being out at the bars with his coworkers makes him a good husband and I don't agree. *_

YOU are WRONG he is a good guy. If you think he is NOT committed then you need your head examined 

Do you know how big a deal it is being a "provider"? 
Are you aware of exactly what that asks of a person?

I see this sometimes 

Okay you want excitement fair enough we all do but think carefully about what you will lose.

I'd recommend you spent a couple of days looking at the Infidelity forum here and learn exactly what happens to a family / families when a wayward spouse embarks upon an 'exciting shag on the side' 

DO it and have you eyes opened and prepare to be shocked


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you have an awesome husband that provides for you & 4 children. He is home at night with his family. If you want to go out other than WalMart, then make it happen with your girlfriends once in awhile. Set up a date night with your husband. Do the work to bring the spark back.

Instead of focusing on the negatives, focus on the positives. Put a little gratitude in your attitude.

Be very careful what you wish for. The grass is not greener especially for a divorced woman with 4 children.

Good luck.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I think you have an awesome husband that provides for you & 4 children. He is home at night with his family. If you want to go out other than WalMart, then make it happen with your girlfriends once in awhile. Set up a date night with your husband. Do the work to bring the spark back.
> 
> Instead of focusing on the negatives, focus on the positives. Put a little gratitude in your attitude.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

He sounds like a wonderful husband and father. Just need to get rid of those video games, for the most part!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

idkwhat2do said:


> I gave up everything to be a mother and wife and feel I got nothing in return.


That was your choice to "give up everything". You still could have gone to school, college, worked, whatever. People do it all the time. Let me guess, you're a stay at home mom........with 4 kids.

You got NOTHING? :wtf: You got a roof over your head that *he* provides, you have food that *he* provides, you probably have your own car that *he* provides along with the gas and insurance and maintenance, you have clothes that (if you're not working) *he* provides. And you have FOUR kids! 

You have a good husband that works his butt off to provide for YOU. He comes home to YOU every night. He's not at the bars with his friends; he's a good family man, but you don't see that. 

Yet you have nothing? :scratchhead: 

You need to look at the bright side, be thankful for what you DO have, and love that man in return for his love for you! The grass is not greener on the other side, you'll have a hard time on your own with FOUR kids.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

It would be good to hear HIS side of this story. Probably go along the lines of:

SAHM
House needs to be cleaned
Kids going in different directions (schools, extra-curricular activities - if they are involved in any)
He works hard
Pays for everything
Supports 6 people on his income
Gets no "love" when he gets home from working all day
Gets no appreciation for what HE provides

Just my speculation. Correct me if I'm wrong, OP!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

be interesting to see if she responds.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Headspin said:


> be interesting to see if she responds.


:iagree:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You want to date? How easy do you think THAT is with four kids?!?!

Do you think another man is going to want someone with four kids? Not for a relationship - to screw, yes. Is that all you want?

If you want change in your marriage you have to BE THE CHANGE. 

If you want excitement and interest, do something exciting (NOT with another man). Take up a hobby. Share that interest with him. Encourage him to take up something new. 

The grass is NOT greener - you will struggle financially, you won't have this hot and exciting dating life I think you imagine. You will have to have a job AND do everything else - car maintenance, house work, laundry...

The life as a single mother is NOT glamorous or exciting, romantic or sexy. I've lived it for 9 years this month. I'm dating a man who is exactly like your husband and I LOVE IT. What you have is all I want.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm dating a man who is exactly like your husband and I LOVE IT. What you have is all I want.


And that is hard to find!!!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...its your vibe.

He feels your resentment. You two should talk.

I plan unique dates days ahead of time for my wife and usually they just don't get received well. Even though I put a lot of effort into them she's either tired. Or the event wasn't as fun as advertised etc. Usually we come home after and she just wants to sleep.

So from a husbands perspective after so many dates where you honestly planned ahead took the time to try to impress and then your wife seems to think she'd rather just stay home and sleep.

Well you get the picture... dates get further and further apart because they almost become a waste of time.money and effort... also getting your hopes up for some return on your efforts... its frustrating. I don't always expect sex but I do expect she enjoy herself and realize the efforts I put in to planning it for her. Pretty much a downer if she yawning etc or the event itself turns out lamer than advertised. Not my fault i tried to do something for her I though she'd enjoy.

When you have a family and obligations... dates are hard to keep in the mix especially if past results of them were less than ideal.

My wife and I are working through these issues now hopefully we'll find a way forward. Good Luck.
I'm the one who will leave if things don't change.


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## MoreThanACrush (Oct 17, 2012)

:iagree: with pretty much everything that has been said. Very often a couple can lose that spark but it doesn't have to mean that there is no fuel to reignite the fire. Expressing your concerns to your husband is the best route to take. He sounds like a man who cares about his family to provide for you all so I wouldn't think he would be beyond reason. 

Find that common ground and build on that and if you can't find one create one. I got married young as well and went through a similar experience with my wife. We both happen to be persistent individuals and refused to give up on each other. Don't throw in the towel before you put up a good fight.

Remember this and realize "the grass is not greener on the other side, it's green where you water it" :smthumbup:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...its your vibe.

He feels your resentment.

I plan dates for my wife and usually they just don't get received well. Even though I put a lot of effort into them she's either too tired. Or the event wasn't as fun as advertised etc. Usually we come home after and she just wants to sleep.

So from a husbands perspective after so many dates where you honestly planned ahead took the time to try to impress and then your wife seems to think she'd rather just stay home and sleep.

Well you get the picture... dates get further and further apart because they almost become a waste of time and effort... also getting your hopes up for some return on your efforts... its frustrating.

When you have a family and obligations... dates are hard to keep in the mix especially if past results of hen were less than ideal.

My wife and I are working through these issues now hopefully we'll find a way forward. Good Luck.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

southern wife said:


> It would be good to hear HIS side of this story. Probably go along the lines of:
> 
> SAHM
> House needs to be cleaned
> ...


SW, were you talking to me??? How can you possibly summarize my existence in such a short space on a little screen from way out there in cyberspace?

As for the OP, I didn't get the sense that she was looking to cheat. But I did get the sense she resents him for mistakes they both made early in life. And I agree with the advice given so far.

OP, if you are still out there, you might try to ship the kids off for one night, so when he comes home you are waiting, dinner made perhaps (dining out is not all that conducive to deep relationship discussions - JMHO). Start the conversation with some recognition of all the good things he has done, then see if he reciprocates. Open the lines of communication. 

Worst case is it doesn't work. Actually, worst case is you don't try.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

rj700 said:


> SW, were you talking to me???



Are you the OP??


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

rj700 said:


> How can you possibly summarize my existence in such a short space on a little screen from way out there in cyberspace?


I can see you through my crystal ball!  :rofl:


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