# How long it takes to get back to normal life after seperation?



## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

I know everyone has different reaction to separation and divorce depending to life style character relationship history etc. but I would like to know those of you who have separated or divorced how long it took to get back to normal life? I mean completely detached from your past and accept your status. Especially when the separation is due to intimacy and lack of sex. Thanks!
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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

It took me about six months, give or take, from the day she physically left, to feel the ‘normality’ you’re describing.

Early on, it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, some days I felt completely full of emotion and wanted to cry but just couldn’t get it to come out. I think a big turning point came around December when suddenly something (and I know what it was) triggered me and it all came pouring out. One of my friends who’d been with me through the whole breakup process was with me and she held me hand while I cried and vented my feelings. After ten minutes it passed and I felt so much better. 

I tried to date too soon after it was over (two months after) and it didn’t work out. Now I feel a lot more ready emotionally and so have been going out for dinner dates and movies. You specifically mention your relationship had sex and intimacy problems: same here. I was lucky in that I had several encounters during those six months which was a huge boost to my ego – to remind me that I was still attractive and desirable, things I hadn’t felt during the last few years of my relationship. It’s also reminded me that things did not and should have been the way they were: I’ve had more sex since we broke up last summer than in the preceding three years with my ex. In a way I feel like I’m making up for lost time, I was denied the intimacy that I needed and now am experiencing the rush of having it again.

There’s no denying it gets lonely, especially at night when you’re on your own getting into an empty bed. The old cliché holds true: keep yourself busy. I got a new job and was busy with that, on the weekends I would try and see my friends as much as possible, didn’t give myself time to slow down and think and dwell. That’s why the nights are the worst time, because you are just trying to switch off and let your mind wander, and it will want to wander onto the bad stuff.

Hang in there, it will get better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm 3 years out from the date of our "trial separation" and 8 months out from the court room gavel banging declaring it all fini!

I'm still not totally over being deceptively blindsided like I was. But comparatively speaking, I am much better and am greatly over not having a cheating spouse occupying the other side of a king bed. But I still have some trouble in sleeping through the night!

I'm guessing that I look at things from the standpoint that since "Rome wasn't exactly created in a day ~ it definitely can't be dismantled in one!*


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

testpilot21 said:


> It took me about six months, give or take, from the day she physically left, to feel the ‘normality’ you’re describing.
> 
> Early on, it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, some days I felt completely full of emotion and wanted to cry but just couldn’t get it to come out. I think a big turning point came around December when suddenly something (and I know what it was) triggered me and it all came pouring out. One of my friends who’d been with me through the whole breakup process was with me and she held me hand while I cried and vented my feelings. After ten minutes it passed and I felt so much better.
> 
> ...


I have been in a almost sexless life for long time. I havent been separated yet but it is the plan for late summer if things stay the same. I am very afraid of loneliness and associated frustrations. My friends are quite busy with their families and my family lives far far away. I am just afraid of getting that regret that does not let me move one. We have intimacy and and sex problem but he is a good friend in other aspects. So those lonely nights you are mentioning I will experience for sure .
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I'm 3 years out from the date of our "trial separation" and 8 months out from the court room gavel banging declaring it all fini!
> 
> I'm still not totally over being deceptively blindsided like I was. But comparatively speaking, I am much better and am greatly over not having a cheating spouse occupying the other side of a king bed. But I still have some trouble in sleeping through the night!
> 
> ...


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

nikoo said:


> I have been in a almost sexless life for long time. I havent been separated yet but it is the plan for late summer if things stay the same. I am very afraid of loneliness and associated frustrations. My friends are quite busy with their families and my family lives far far away. I am just afraid of getting that regret that does not let me move one. We have intimacy and and sex problem but he is a good friend in other aspects. So those lonely nights you are mentioning I will experience for sure .


You sound like you’re where I was a year ago. It can be extremely difficult, almost unbearable to look at your partner and imagine that soon they’ll be gone. I think this is why a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships, because they’d rather be discontent for a long period of time than have that short but agonizing moment of ending it. The thing is, if you’re unhappy now and have been for a while then there must be truth to those feelings, you haven’t just decided on a whim. I couldn’t believe it had finally come down to the end, but it had.

You will get lonely, and you will get frustrated. However, is that so different from what you have right now? If you need sex and intimacy as part of your relationship and you aren’t getting it, you have to decide if that’s enough to make you leave; if you’re willing to deny that part of yourself for them. I had other reasons besides lack of intimacy for my breakup, but it was a big factor. You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Having had the experience I did, I’ve decided that it is for me.

I'll tell you what - when I started seeing new people again, it was almost indescribable having those feelings and experiences again (without being too graphic)


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

testpilot21 said:


> You sound like you’re where I was a year ago. It can be extremely difficult, almost unbearable to look at your partner and imagine that soon they’ll be gone. I think this is why a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships, because they’d rather be discontent for a long period of time than have that short but agonizing moment of ending it. The thing is, if you’re unhappy now and have been for a while then there must be truth to those feelings, you haven’t just decided on a whim. I couldn’t believe it had finally come down to the end, but it had.
> 
> You will get lonely, and you will get frustrated. However, is that so different from what you have right now? If you need sex and intimacy as part of your relationship and you aren’t getting it, you have to decide if that’s enough to make you leave; if you’re willing to deny that part of yourself for them. I had other reasons besides lack of intimacy for my breakup, but it was a big factor. You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Having had the experience I did, I’ve decided that it is for me.
> 
> I'll tell you what - when I started seeing new people again, it was almost indescribable having those feelings and experiences again (without being too graphic)


It feels good that I am not alone in this experience. But can say as I can feel the pain how I am sorry. That is very big part in my life and although I am taking action very late but I know I will stay miserable for the rest of my life. 
What exactly it means?"when I started seeing new people again, it was almost indescribable having those feelings and experiences again (without being too graphic)"
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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

nikoo said:


> What exactly it means?"when I started seeing new people again, it was almost indescribable having those feelings and experiences again (without being too graphic)"


What I meant is: when I started dating and having intimacy with new people after my relationship ended, it felt amazing. I had almost forgotten what it was like, both physically and emotionally. 

I can't think of another way to describe it without breaking forum rules regarding explicit or suggestive language.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

testpilot21 said:


> What I meant is: when I started dating and having intimacy with new people after my relationship ended, it felt amazing. I had almost forgotten what it was like, both physically and emotionally.
> 
> I can't think of another way to describe it without breaking forum rules regarding explicit or suggestive language.


Got your point. Does it outperforms the loneliness you described , especially during night times?
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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Sometimes 

If I spent the night (shared a bed and slept) or had sex with someone then those feelings and desires (for affection or intimacy) would be satisfied for a while.

Doing both those things every day would be great, of course, but my craving would be gone and I'd be on a high for several days afterwards.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

testpilot21 said:


> Sometimes
> 
> If I spent the night (shared a bed and slept) or had sex with someone then those feelings and desires (for affection or intimacy) would be satisfied for a while.
> 
> Doing both those things every day would be great, of course, but my craving would be gone and I'd be on a high for several days afterwards.


These days my emotions are very ups and downs. When he cares about me and my feelings when he wants to make up the sexless life in other ways my heart just aches and i try to forget leaving him but other day when I see how much miserable he is by not being himself and do whatever I say to make me happy I feel I have to leave to give him peace as well . Anyway i am in a big dilemma and without any support and help these days(
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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm three years out just like Arbitrator, and I'll be honest, I've never truly got over it 100%. It's said that in terms of grief and devastation, separation/divorce is just next to death of a loved one. I'll say that it can be even worse. 

When someone you love passes away, it really hurts, but you know that they aren't ever coming back. It's final. But with a separation, especially if you have children, you will always have to deal with your ex-spouse for as long as that person is alive!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

nikoo said:


> I know everyone has different reaction to separation and divorce depending to life style character relationship history etc. but I would like to know those of you who have separated or divorced how long it took to get back to normal life? I mean completely detached from your past and accept your status. Especially when the separation is due to intimacy and lack of sex. Thanks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this is the wise a$$ in me talking but....

If life before separation was normal, and you separated, then it must not have been a good thing. Why would you want to go back to normal?????


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

It has taken me a couple of months. Four to be exact. The first 2 months were torture for me and I felt very lonely. I cried all the time...at work, at night, at home and in public. But eventually I just got tired of crying. And I had to pull myself together because it was affecting my job. I just thought to myself one day, enough is enough. Time to be a big girl and move on from this. And I believe I am doing a darn good job at it! It's hard, for sure, but you will be able to live through it as well. Good luck to you!

Oh BTW, my baby also had a lot to do with me pushing myself to pick myself up, dust myself off the ground and LIVE my life after H left. She was my motivation. Her little face always helped me soooooo much.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce in Sept 2012. 
I fought to save the marriage till I knew it was over in Nov 2012.
She filed for divorce then and it went final in Apr 2012. 
We sold our house (the last joint item) in May 2012. 
In Jun I was basically ready to move on. 

So for me it was basically taking care of business and separating legally and financially, and then a couple of months after that. I summarize to people it took me about 6 months, and that's true. I was married for 14 years, with her for 18 years. 

My current girlfriend who had one serious boyfriend dump her (never married) says it took her 3 years to get over it. She told me one year afterwards when she saw him once she broke down.. and then it was another nearly 2 years before she wanted to date again. She was dating for 11 months, probably knew the guy for a couple of years. 

So what does that prove? There is no timeline. I'd say we are both reasonably over our exes and respect the time we had together.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

dormant said:


> I know this is the wise a$$ in me talking but....
> 
> If life before separation was normal, and you separated, then it must not have been a good thing. Why would you want to go back to normal?????


By getting back to normal i meant getting through the pain of seperation . If you have lived with some one for a while and all you hoped was happiness and hope but didnt happen . After seperation i think there will be time to greive and be deeply sad as i have seen in some friends. I assume getting control of my life and being balanced emotionally need some time.
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> It has taken me a couple of months. Four to be exact. The first 2 months were torture for me and I felt very lonely. I cried all the time...at work, at night, at home and in public. But eventually I just got tired of crying. And I had to pull myself together because it was affecting my job. I just thought to myself one day, enough is enough. Time to be a big girl and move on from this. And I believe I am doing a darn good job at it! It's hard, for sure, but you will be able to live through it as well. Good luck to you!
> 
> Oh BTW, my baby also had a lot to do with me pushing myself to pick myself up, dust myself off the ground and LIVE my life after H left. She was my motivation. Her little face always helped me
> soooooo much.


For me it is a bit different as i am the one who initiated it and he is very sweet guy but roommates .. I havent decided 100% yet as working on our relationship and so far no improvement we dont have a kid which i dont know if it is a luck or unluck ! 
Wish you the bests
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

devotion said:


> My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce in Sept 2012.
> I fought to save the marriage till I knew it was over in Nov 2012.
> She filed for divorce then and it went final in Apr 2012.
> We sold our house (the last joint item) in May 2012.
> ...


I am sure i will have devastated time after seperation especially during the lonely nights . I am trying to find a job in a city where I have some close friends to be able to have some support during my hard time
Thanks!
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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

nikoo said:


> For me it is a bit different as i am the one who initiated it and he is very sweet guy but roommates .. I havent decided 100% yet as working on our relationship and so far no improvement we dont have a kid which i dont know if it is a luck or unluck !
> Wish you the bests
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you nikoo! I think it will be a lot easier for you to get over or through the separation because you are on the other end of it. You have the upper hand in this which is great for you. I know it still will be hard, but not as hard for the person who is left behind like me  But good luck to you anyways.

Having a baby is a lot of work. Especially when you are by yourself. So for now, conisder yourself lucky it's just you. But hopefully someday you will get to experience being a mom  It's the greatest job in the world!


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Thank you nikoo! I think it will be a lot easier for you to get over or through the separation because you are on the other end of it. You have the upper hand in this which is great for you. I know it still will be hard, but not as hard for the person who is left behind like me  But good luck to you anyways.
> 
> Having a baby is a lot of work. Especially when you are by yourself. So for now, conisder yourself lucky it's just you. But hopefully someday you will get to experience being a mom  It's the greatest job in the world!


Thanks alot! Hopefully best things are on the way for you and your little one 
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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I didn't really understand why your marriage is sexless? He is trying to make up for that? He sounds like he cares for you a lot. I guess you have obviously tried to solve the sex problem... That's a real shame since it seems to be the main problem. It would be a big deal to me as well but possibly not a deal breaker according to the reason. I was very interested in your thread because I'm going through it. I find the pain unbearable at times but I think in lucid moments that no pain this bad can last forever---I hope anyway. I feel bad for the man left behind because I am experiencing a walkway wife and it's no fun to say the least. 
I hope somehow you both end up happy.


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