# what do i do now?



## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife and I have been together for 8 years. We have a house and two dogs. I am 29 and she is 27. We both have good jobs ( busy Jobs)
good family ( her family loves me ) we have the same friends. Everything in life seemed to be going as planned expect us. We got married September 2014. We have been in a downward spiral ever since the marriage and we weren't perfect before the marriage ( who is? ) January of this year she told me we weren't working out and that she " loved me but was not in love with me " and said things like that and we have " grown apart ". she left for a couple weeks and during that time i found things of her " texting other men and did research. she came back in February. I forgave her for whatever she was doing she promised she didn't cheat still to this day. We tried seeing a marriage therapist and after a few visits we stopped. During the time of her return. It just felt like i was putting the effort and she was not. She came back because it was the " right thing to do " and she was going to see if she " felt something"
after a couple months I have been bitter and angry at the failed attempts to receive any notion of love back . Any clue that it was working and was something we could build off of. I had a break down after a night out at a wedding didn't go . I was drunk and said things to her i don't even remember. She said i called her a ***** and said she use to be a good person etc. Maybe all things i was thinking. She has now been back at her parents for a week. We read the 5 languages of love to ourselves ( I requested that she did ) she said it was good , however it is too late and she would like me know if she changed her mind. 

Notes: we have a house and dogs. we separated our money during the first break in January. She has been back close to 3 months and has no left again. I was a mess last week. 

is 180 really best. This is the second time i been through this since January.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no kids. get while the getting is good.

shes not vested and you know it trust your gut.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Best thing to do is get out now before you have kids and you're still young.

Why do you want to waste time on someone who is cheating on you and stringing you along??


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

I met this girl when i was 20. She's my first and only true love. Everything else but us has been great. We just lost a connection through the years that i don't see why we can't get back. We just need to work at it. I know she has to want it and currently does not. 

I made a mistake not taking the clues or doing the right things to make her feel special and loved. I thought i was, but apparently it wasn't enough. I know what it takes but I'm being told i'm to late.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sadhusband87 said:


> I met this girl when i was 20. She's my first and only true love. Everything else but us has been great. We just lost a connection through the years that i don't see why we can't get back. We just need to work at it. I know she has to want it and currently does not.
> 
> I made a mistake not taking the clues or doing the right things to make her feel special and loved. I thought i was, but apparently it wasn't enough. I know what it takes but I'm being told i'm to late.


Dude, there are 4 billion females on the planet. Do you really think this chick is the ONLY one for you? What does "Everything else but us has been great" even mean??

The mistake you made was in marrying her. Fix it or you're going to spend the rest of your life miserable and cuckolded.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You've been married nine months and she already wants out?? Let her go. Be glad you didn't have kids or put more time into this. 

My last husband divorced me after only 11 months to remarry his first wife.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Did you have a big wedding? 
It's like she just wanted a wedding & not a marriage. 
I mean texting other guys when you're only a few months married??
Not a good sign at all. 
Do the 180 & forget her as she'll never be truly loyal or respectful to you ever again. 
You said the truth when you were drunk! 


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> We just lost a connection *through the years* that i don't see why we can't get back. We just need to work at it. I know she has to want it and currently does not.


You married in September and split up in January? That isn't through the years, you had barely moved from stopwatch to calendar.

No kids and it's not working at this point. You need to drop it and move on.


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

married in 2014. this September will be 2 years. My mistake


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## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I get that it is not that easy like people are saying. I completely get that. But also you are extremely lucky that you do not have any kids. I would highly suggest if you do find a way to make it work for you that you do not have any kids with her for the foreseeable future. That will create a situation that you really do not need.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yeah it sucks and yeah you don't know any better because she's all you've been with since you were 21.

Take a step back and realize your ideas about what a relationship is and should be is based in this one relationship.

If you are honest, you'll start to realize your relationship wasn't that good. Your W should love and respect you, and admire you. That's a basic requirement for most men.

I'd get donuts to dollars your STBXW hasn't shown admiration or respect for some time.

That's what these other TAM guys are saying. A good relationship doesn't look like this. So let it go and start over with a woman who WANTS to be with you.

BTW I met my W 30+ years ago at age 19 so I get it. I got lucky and you didn't, that's all.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

sadhusband87 said:


> I met this girl when i was 20. She's my first and only true love. Everything else but us has been great. We just lost a connection through the years that i don't see why we can't get back. We just need to work at it. I know she has to want it and currently does not.
> 
> I made a mistake not taking the clues or doing the right things to make her feel special and loved. I thought i was, but apparently it wasn't enough. I know what it takes but I'm being told i'm to late.


Contrairy to popular believe by many spouses nobody is a mind reader. Blaming yourself for not picking up on clues etc isn't an answer. Your spouse at any point could have said she was unhappy or we need to work on this or that. 

You have been married less than two years and she has already been caught texting other men. This should be the happiest time of marriage, not dealing with affairs. You rugswept it when she first came back. 

She probably came back the first time because you were the safe choice, not because she wanted to. Their is a difference. She has no real interest in repairing the marriage at this point. 

One of the biggest mistakes you can make right now is giving her time to "think about things". Generally the longer this goes on the worse it gets. This shouldn't be a hard question, do you want to repair marriage or not. Her actions are telling you not.

As hard as it is you should file for divorce. Marriage only gets more complicated as time goes on with kids etc. Your young and can find a great partner to build a future with if you chose.


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## sadhusband87 (Dec 29, 2015)

I believe everyone is right. We had something special and hasn't been there and somehow we married. I feel like I was tricked , maybe she thought marriage would be a changing point. My ego is destroyed. The pain has been with me for months, even when she was here it was like she wasn't. I feel like a failure to the one thing I didnt see I would fail at. When does it get easier for someone who never wanted it?


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## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I do not know if this will help you with any perspective but I am in my late 30's. I have been with my STBXW for 12 years and married for 9. In a few short months I will need to sit down with my 6 year old son and tell him that mommy and daddy will not be living together anymore and mommy will be moving across the country. Of course we haven't figured out the custody agreement and I expect it to be a fight with her prior to that. So all I am saying is as much as it hurts, it could be a lot worse.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

sadhusband87 said:


> I met this girl when i was 20. She's my first and only true love. Everything else but us has been great.


Oh, well that's an insignificant detail. As long as everything else is ok then why does it matter how the two of you are getting along?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mclane your response, too funny.  I admire your no BS on these threads. 

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## [email protected] (May 23, 2016)

Take it from someone who ignored the signs and tried to make it work only to get divorced many years later and with a child. Take a good look at your relationship and honestly evaluate what has happened. Get out. Get out now. It will take time to heal but you deserve better. You deserve a healthy relationship with someone who is actively all in and loves you.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

You can't nice her back into the relationship. She has bitten the forbidden apple and now is unsure if you are the one. 

Don't settle for being Plan B. Get angry and take control of your situation. Don't sit around and whimper. 

If you want this nonsense to stop then expose her behavior to your close friends and family. Only do this if you want to save the marriage. If you are going to divorce then don't expose. 


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