# What to do



## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

My husband had an affair with someone I knew 12 years ago, it lasted 2 weeks and he was so remorseful after. 2 years ago I started suffering with vaginismus, my husband wasnt very supportive and other sexual activity became absent for months on end. I tried talking about it but he just said he didnt know why. Then I started to get suspicious of him again, confronted him, he said nothing going on but he wasnt happy, didnt say why and he left. I found out the following day he had been seen with a woman flirting in the pub, I got her address and there he was staying with her. It lasted 3 weeks and he left, we then started speaking again and he admitted he cant talk but felt like we were just friends. I got over the vaginismus problem alone when he was gone. When i asked about sex, he said if it makes you feel any better with this woman, I had issues with ED,. We got back together, sex was good the first 2 times then he couldnt keep an erection. He said I swear it's not you it's me, I told you I had problems, the 3rd time it happened again. I was quite sympathetic to start but then he never came near me again for 3 weeks, I know he is a morning person and I'm not, so I tested this out and gave him a hand job and there was no problem, I month on and I'm starting to feel like I'm not enough as hes not even trying, he just says he doesnt know why, I've told him I'm not willing to stay in a sexless marriage again, he says you wont, but hes not even trying to come near me to see how it goes, I feel like I'm back to how it was before? Financially hes better off here and if he hadn't come back it would have been hard for him financially, I've got all sorts going round in my head, especially as I'm 5yrs older than him and both women were younger than him, hes 53.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So he is a repetitive cheater. You always take him back. This is the precedent in your marriage, It will continue to go on.

What do you want to have happen? If your intention is to stay, I would implement the 180. Personally, I would D and find someone who will be loyal to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a cheater. And one without remorse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Serial cheaters rarely change. You can stay with him but don’t expect miracles. He is who he is.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

He went 12 years without doing it again, I think he liked the attention, he said himself it was that coupled with our problems, I'd put on a bit of weight which I've now lost but that's his problem not mine if he felt that way, he swears he finds me attractive but with this behaviour it makes me wonder, although he is often told that I dont look anywhere near my age, I can't think of any reason other than him not being attracted as to why he doesnt initiate sex. A couple of my friends have said he has a problem now, probably caused by years of masterbation, all our friends think he loves me but hes been stupid, hes always been a lazy lover from the very start, he says why is it about sex, I say because if it wasnt why didnt you leave first instead of waiting for someone to come along and then sleep with them. He is from a family of low morals, his brother is a narcissist and has a different woman every week but no good home life, incidentally both women were his brothers ex flings. They are very different people though. My 22yr old daughter lives with us and was so shocked he did it, she said you both seemed so happy and didnt hardly ever argue, now shes worried I'm going to end it as were getting on as before but told her I'm not willing to go back to a sexless marriage, and I'm worried I'll feel sick if he does in case its forced.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Weve bern married 21 yrs


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ok, let's look at this logically and realistically. 

First the ED stuff - It happens, and some men do not know how to deal with is. There a lots of ways to deal with that. Pills work for most, and there is a variety of them. You can order them overseas and those work fine if the others a too expensive. This is solvable... 

The issue is he is embarrassed like lots of men are. I understand this but it is foolish, MILLIONS of men take ED Meds so you need to talk to him about this. It is super common and nothing to be embarressed about .

However, he is a cheater. He has don't it twice that YOU KNOW OF. This has to be dealt with the proper way. 

You cannot rug sweep of take him back without consequenses. Read through the infidelity section for a while and you can figure out what to do. 

The ED stuff happens, the cheating in a PROBLEM that you are going to have to deal with...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The truth is that you are _aware_ of two affairs. You don’t really know if there are more and he’s unlikely to tell you. He cheated because he liked the excitement of a new toy but that soon wears off and his life is easier married to you so he’s back. 

You said he‘s been a lazy lover from the start so that’s likely to continue after two decades of things being that way. Change is difficult and not many people are willing to put the work in. Doesn’t sound like he’s one who wants to work at making things better. 

It benefits him to stay so you’ll have to decide if it benefits you.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Well he definitely hasnt had any other affairs as we go everywhere together, the first time he flirted with a friend and I saw this, we argued, he left, pretended to be at his brothers but I immediately caught him at the womans. The 2nd one, he went out alone on a Sunday afternoon to our local for a few weeks and met her there, his behaviour changed slightly and 3 weeks later he left, then I'm told he was seen with this woman holding her hand in the pub. Neither affairs were sexual till he left, i know all his movements, leaving clearly gave him the only opportunity to do so then. It seems to me that almost immediately after he stayed at her home he realised it was going nowhere, he was there a few days and hotel alone the rest as he needed space. My daughter would meet up with him at hotel after work and say he looked Ill and close to tears, it's like his upbringing has left him immature, my friend aliked him to peter pan. The day he walked out, even through all the lies of there is no one else, he said he loved me as he left, still says same now, I find it hard to understand how he can say this yet go sleep with someone else, I asked what went wrong, he said nothing except he realised he didnt even really know this woman, he was in the process of moving to a flat when we finally started talking. He said we were both not happy which is true, but I told him for me it was the no sex which just didnt sit well with me in a marriage, he said there was nothing there, just like we were friends but there is now, how he can say that when the sex has stopped again. Surely even if he has worries about ED he would at least try? The first 3 weeks back were good but since the covid lockdown it's been difficult, he is a social person and finds weekends more boring than the average person dealing with it. I had no suspicions of anything till the sex stopped since hes been back, but now I question him popping out for 10-20 mins, I tried telling him that not having sex makes me more suspicious than I normally would be and he says he gets that but hes not popping out to ring anyone, I have access to phone records anyway, and he says he us attracted to me, so why no intimacy?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters all lie a lot. About all you really have to go on are his actions. What are those telling you?


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

He is trying more at home and he will answer all my questions I have had but it's the sex that's got me worried, has he realised I'm not enough, I told him he will never admit if I wasnt enough, he says I'm wrong, it's all good, all sorts are going through my head due to no intimacy, I've told him we are going nowhere if there is no intimacy and he says he knows that and it will be ok, but 4 weeks has gone by now, how long is long enough? I cant think of any reason for it to stop other than hes not intrested


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He hasn’t earned your trust back.

you take him back without addressing HIS issues.

I’d make him move out until he works hard with a counselor to change who he is (the cheater who is willing to betray you). Love doesn’t look like this.

if he doesn’t change you are simply living with a liar and a cheater who is totally willing to risk your health and safety for his own pleasure.

like I said - love doesn’t look like that.

why are you afraid to divorce him?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> why are you afraid to divorce him?


👆This


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I am worried about the financial side for myself too. It is clear that it benefits us both financially to be together and separating would bring hardship to both of us. We discussed this before we got back together as both worried the other was reconciliating for this reason. I love him and dont want to throw away 20+ years together if it can be sorted, that is why I took him back, if the saying once a cheater always a cheater is true then I dont want that, when he cheated 12 years ago I put him through hell for 5 yes, hes not one to take it but he did, this time, after we finished talking and decided to try again, it feels like hes acting deflated, drained and uninterested in anything, I'm not going on like I did before but if somethings on my mind I politely say it. Our daughter is confused also, she saw happiness between us for the first few weeks after I took him back, now she says I have her worried every day that we wont work as I have these feelings about how he is withdrawn and uninterested in sex, his free time has always revolved around socialising and alcohol and all he has with the covid is work during week and alcohol at the weekend, hes in bed asleep on his own every night during week by 8.30pm he gets up early so I get that, but hes not tired at weekend.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I suppose what I'm saying is I do know for a fact that he hasnt cheated other than these 2 occasions, so he went 12 yrs before doing it again, he said throughout that time to anyone who asked, the grass isnt greener and I believed him, I always see through him and knew something wasnt right this 2nd time, but what I cant get my head around is how he enjoyed sex again, said it felt so natural then just stopped, I'm asking myself is this a sign hes missing the thrill which he denies but what else would he say, I dont want to ask if its ED problems in case he uses that as an excuse as to not trying


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well you can never know for sure it’s only (whoa) these two times.

and I’m sure he’s depressed because you took his play toy away from him.

but staying because you want the money? That’s a death sentence. You’re selling your self respect and soul for money.

when my exH cheated the first time I told him if he ever did it again I would divorce him without so much as a conversation. Ten more years passed and I had solid evidence of another affair. I divorced him and kept MY promise to myself. We never discussed what I knew or how I found out. He never lived another day with me after I told him not to come home - we were divorcing.

we were together 27 years. I wanted my self respect more than to sacrifice my peace of mind. I wanted a man who treated me right and kept his vows!
And ya know what? Life has been sweet! And I am truly happy now!

that divorce was 15 years ago.

there is a sweet life after divorcing a serial cheater! You have to decide that his cheating isn’t enough for you and that you deserve better! Because you do!

life is too short to waste it away on ANY man who isn’t treating you with honesty and respect!

love yourself to decide that this isn’t good enough!

live a simpler life if you need to... but you are majorly settling now.

and your daughter should not be involved so much with all the emotions of his cheating and whether or not you divorce. Divorce is NOT the end of the world! My kids now see a strong and diligent woman who lives an honest life! That’s been a huge game changer for them. They see a warrior in action!

show your daughter that women are strong and deserve respect!
Lead by example!


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## AmberNetworking (Apr 30, 2020)

I'm 26 married to a 50 year old this year. I thought because I married an older man, he would be nicer & that's not the case. 

Imagine I was that younger woman he was with. From my perspective, I see a married man who might not be happy or tolerant with his at home situation. He loses his erection at home sometimes. So he is at the pub, with me. 

See how wrong that is? 
He can't love you in sickness, your health is important and he runs. Not only runs, he is with another woman, and you know about it. He knows you know. It doesn't seem like he respects your feelings or cares about your health.

(My husband is verbally abusive and no one knows this about him but me) but I personally couldn't handle having my husband share my bed if his you know what was all up in some other person's business. I would go on dating websites and find your equal. All the things you find hard to love in yourself, like if you think your health problem is hard for anyone else to accept maybe you.can find a healing group of people with health problems and that way they will understand you more. For me, I'm setting my life up with someone else while being married if I knew my husband was cheating like that.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

My husband didnt have any problems with ED before he went with this woman, we stopped having sex when I developed vaginismus, he wasnt helpful with it, before he came back, he told me he had had ED with this woman, then after he came back it happened once with me also, now sex had just stopped again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Evej said:


> My husband didnt have any problems with ED before he went with this woman, we stopped having sex when I developed vaginismus, he wasnt helpful with it, before he came back, he told me he had had ED with this woman, then after he came back it happened once with me also, now sex had just stopped again.


We all understand this (above). 

What you are not understanding is that the ED can be fixed. The basic meds work for a huge portion of the male population. So, ED is not the problem. 

Your problems are 1) His cheating and dealing with it. and 2) the lack of sex. That may be fixed with the ED meds, but the question remains, why doesn't he want to fix this and have sex with you? These two things are the problem. 

Can you see that?

Look when this stuff happen, you know you are in shock and you run around trying to fix it. 

The problem is that YOU cannot fix this he has to. And if he will not and you will not live in a sexless marriage, your options are divorce or an open marriage.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Yes but the person above response is that he left me to go meet someone as he had a problem, I was just clarifying the situation. Believe me it was no easy decision to take him back the 1st or 2nd time, whether it will work or he'll cheat again in the future is not predictable but the majority seem to think that as it's happened twice its inevitable. Most guidance sites say men dont often cheat for just sex and my husband says it wasnt all about sex, after all, he was only with her 3 weeks and during that time I would say he saw her 2-3 days a week in the evenings after work, the weekends she was left babysitting her grandchild while he was out with his friends the whole time. I'm not even treated that badly, but hey, he cheated on me so what can be worse. I understand ED can be fixed, what I am trying to discover is IF that is the reason there is no sex or some other reason like he's gone off me or possible depression, neither of which he says he has, its guesswork, and if he decides not to even try then there is no hope in the marriage as it will be as before when I had the problem. I will ask him to leave if it continues as getting over the cheating is hard enough as it is


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You asked “What To Do” but you don’t apparently like what you’re hearing so I’m not sure what this thread is accomplishing for you?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, I sure learned a lot about the causes of ED.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Its not that I dont like what I'm hearing, I thought there would be opinions on both sides of the causes. The what to do, is my confusion is not over the cheating as I'm seeing if that is something we could possibly work through, i was here for opinions on what I keep repeating which is why would he suddenly stop wanting sex, is it me, has he lost desire so soon, if so why now, or is it him with his new problem, but anyway thanks for all your replies


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You posted your thread in the Infidelity forum rather than the General forum so it seemed logical that infidelity was the major focus. Apparently not. Unfortunately, no one knows why he’s not interested in you sexually but him. You can ask him but you obviously can’t make him tell you the truth. That happens for a variety of reasons. But only he knows the answer. My guess is he’ll keep stonewalling until you give up. Maybe he’ll agree to counseling if he thinks you’re done.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

The point of marriage and love is to be there for the tough times. To love someone when they aren’t at their best. That’s the point. Being with someone who is happy and healthy and is doing fine in life is easy. But when someone is sick, or at their lowest point, or in need... that’s when love is really tested. Because only love with get your through the tough times. 
Your husband doesn’t love you. He leaves you at any sign of trouble, making you fend for yourself in your time of need. He doesn’t care at all about you. If something better comes along he will take it and leave you. 

You need therapy. Your self esteem is very low if you think you deserve this treatment.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Evej said:


> Its not that I dont like what I'm hearing, I thought there would be opinions on both sides of the causes. The what to do, is my confusion is not over the cheating as I'm seeing if that is something we could possibly work through, i was here for opinions on what I keep repeating which is why would he suddenly stop wanting sex, is it me, has he lost desire so soon, if so why now, or is it him with his new problem, but anyway thanks for all your replies


nothing is as exciting as NEW sex!
He loves the new sex. Especially when there are no consequences.

he knows you’ll take him back - you’ve been a doormat.

and he can’t perform with you because he keeps hoping the sex would be with his new shiny toy (the OW).

why is this enough for you? Why would you keep taking him back? He obviously didn’t cheat because you couldn’t perform - because he cheated years ago. He’s just a continual cheater. That’s a fact!
And maybe he also doesn’t want sex with you because it takes a LOT of effort - but that’s no reason to cheat!

people cheat because they can! He cheats because you never DO anything when he cheats!

so really - you being his doormat - gives him more reason to just keep cheating.

you don’t value yourself enough! Why not?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Evej, he cheated on you a few times you took him back. He has no respect for you not alone sexual attraction, you are just a soft place to land. You’ll be there regardless of his ****ty treatment of you. 
There were no consequences for what he has done. You should kick him out or ask for a separation and work on yourself. Spend time on your appearance, your health, go to a gym, take up running, etc. See a counsellor to work through why you would want to work on a damaged man so much. You cannot do it for him, you can only work on yourself and change yourself. Arent you worth so much more? You can tell him, if he doesn’t get his **** together, sort out his T levels, treat you right, you don’t want him in your life. Give him a timeframe. You can also tell Him, if he decides to date during this time, all bets are off and you will proceed to divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you want to remain married to him? Or not? The answer to these questions will then open other options. Counselling, seeing a solicitor, etc.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Sorry I havnt replied, it's been a tough few days, I woke up friday morning and told him I know hes not happy, he was very happy when he came back for the first 2 months, it's been since the lockdown its changed but nothing to do with that except hes looking a bit depressed, anyway, he said he loves me and he should never have cheated and is sorry for what hes put me through. He did say he's not right here and he cant put his finger on it, he said we'll chat after work but I said no, I need you to leave, I cant live with you like this. Txt from work to say I'm so sorry its come to this and found somewhere to stay till he gets a flat. We spoke yesterday and he said he doesnt know what's wrong with himself, he doesn't know what hes feeling, I told him that it seemed like he had the chase, got what he wanted and then didn't want it anymore, did the same to me and then felt the same way again which is a pattern that he craves more chase, he said i know, and if it is that, I need help I'll have to see someone, hes not asking me to take him back, he's not with the other woman, the way that ended I can promise you, he's only been like this the last few weeks and swears hes not got anyone lined up and I do believe that for now as hes really not been anywhere to get the chance. I think he knows that if he gets a place to stay on his own and starts afresh no one will be hurt in the long run with a new start and life, but we both think his future will be one of uncertainty in a future relationship as his personality of impulsive behaviour may rise again. I've told him I cant even think straight right now but I do think he needs help, I wonder if he has a personality disorder, hes not asking to come back but would like to talk this evening, I've made it clear that I know he tried but if its gone it's gone but his only answer us he doesnt know what's going on with himself, I haven't chased him and hes had space but there is no outcome as of yet or whether I want to help him get help if he decides to ask me to try again, he does know I need space too and I said I think I took him back too quickly. Please dont judge him as a nasty person, yes he did cheat and its devastating. All my friends and family have said he does love you it's clear to see, but they agree he has some kind of problem at the moment. Like I said this is the 2nd time in our marriage and I can assure you that I do know for certain he hasnt cheated in the last 12 years, he's not that clever, both times alcohol is his downfall, hes too dopey and slips up easily. So strange he needed to do it a 2nd time after all these years, if it hadn't been that long I wouldn't have tried again, but now this to work out.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well you do seem to be making excuses for HIS bad behavior.

I do notice though - it’s not like he’s comforting you. It’s not like he’s worried about what he’s done to you!
I mean really? Where is his conscience and compassion for YOUR FEELINGS?
But good for you having him move!


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Not so good now, he didnt want to come round to chat but ge did, ut was awful, he said hes not coming back at the mo and had no interest in how I told him ud lost half a stone in 3 days and xant sleep. The whole conversation was suspicious to me, I said something is going on here, I think these last 2 weeks you've been unhappy and stopped sleeping with me, now your saying a chat or a call but it doesnt happen, I think your seeing someone, either visiting for 10 mins when you've popped out or have found someone new, I went on and on and he finally said I'm seeing someone. I know from his movements till fri it could only have been txts or the same other woman. He told my daughter after he said what I wanted to hear. How has he blagged me this easily, the man must be a psychopath, I'm done now


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

When a WS says something to the effect of “I need space. I need to figure it out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me” that’s usually code for, “I got a side piece and let me string you along”.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt he’s a psychopath. More along the lines of a garden-variety cheater who played you the way many of us have been played. All too predictable, unfortunately. I hope you can move on this time.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope you are finally done - you deserve SO much better than this liar and cheater!

and you can’t tell if he’s seen someone or not - if his phone is in the same location -he can either have someone visit him or leave his phone at home when he heads out of the house.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Evej you have been pulled in again so easily because you want to think the best of the man you have been married to for so long. In addition, you are not listening to any of us on here.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you need to hear it
1. He does not respect you
2. He knows he can abuse you whatever way he wants and you will take it
3. He doesn't love you, men who love their spouses don't treat them like this
4. He has no backbone, he is making excuses for his behaviour, his confusion, his depression, blah blah blah
5. He has not once thought about the pain he has caused you, how to make it better even after all the years of marriage
6. He has continually lied to you over and over and yet you take him back
7. You are a soft touch. A fall back plan if the OW don't work out

PLEASE DONT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU ANYMORE

Kick him out, take decisive action. It will hurt for sure but time will heal your heart, can't you see you are far too good for him. He is keeping you as a Plan B, his back up plan. You have to stop doing this to yourself, stop being available.
Change the locks on the doors and windows, get a bull dog lawyer, buy yourself some new clothes, get in shape etc. The best revenge is to move on, make yourself a better person.
Tell all your family and friends what he has done ....again. Now ask one of them who will always put you first to be your confidante and to step in (slap you if necessary) when you become weak and want to listen to all his ********. A friend who will have your back come what may.
You need to become unstuck from this POS who has strung you along so he can get some ass elsewhere.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

It's going to be hard as my daughter spoke and he said he told me what I wanted to hear, I feel very sure that hes lying and it most probably is the woman he was seeing, she only lives a 5min drive away which explains why he could pop out for half an hour to chat to her. It may well be like the first time, he tells her hes coming back for a reason such as our daughter so she doesn't kick off or turn up here telling me all about what hes told her and then as he leaves her he says he'll stay in touch and he does, not in a physical way as he cant get away from me long enough, but keeps her hanging on, she's probably said at some point shes going back to her on off bf and of course he now craves what he cant have, just as when he moved out of here to have the affair,he was jealous his brother was sniffing round me even though he wasnt, , well hes not being honest to her now as we've slept together, he told me how natural it felt and I bet he wont tell her he did, obv he has this problem in the bedroom when he went with her before, I hope it drops off sorry to shove, I wasnt meaning a psychopath I meant a narcissist/sociopath, can I ask, in grief, us it wise to still talk about him or not, it's only a day since I discovered but my son said dont dwell, dont pay him a 2nd thought, hes not lying in bed at night crying try to understand it all, is it wrong to still think of him, I have all night but not in a good way more about analysing how it's happened, how he managed to string me along and how his behaviour was his downfall, should I not be thinking this way or us it normal


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Aine, you have given me good sound advise and I agree with everything you have said, but even after telling a few friends and family including my son, who you can see what his advice was, they are all still saying although hes a complete b#####d for what hes done, they still keep saying I do think he loves you but not as a normal straight thinking person would, they just think he has a problem with knowing what he wants and acts on the moment, my son who is not his son, has said all this despite always thinking he is an idiot, he rang me and said why now though mum? He went 12 years with not a single look at another woman, yet hes torn you apart since Jan with the affair that lasted 3 weeks, coming back, being so loving at the start and then this in such a short time, I said I really dont know because it's not just a leg over to him, he actually believes he can have a relationship with the person and his happiness somehow justifies his actions, it's like he knows hes doing wrong but cant help himself. Then as soon as he does what he wants he has difficulty enjoying it, And as you said, its difficult to let go after loving someone for so many years, but I need to try to move on as he'll very soon be back but begging next time, I wish my family and friends could see that sometimes love is not enough even if its his own type of love. They all say I deserve so much better but then add that hes just a mixed up person who doesnt think the way we do and he needs to sort it out, I dont want to hear this it's just all draining and makes me feel weak, sending myself thoughts that if I hadn't listened to my kids advise to communicate and not shout or put him down and had done what I did after the first affair 12 years ago, which was to send him to hell and back for a good 6 months, this time might have been different, so many thoughts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop listening to all those who say he loves you. They don’t know what‘s really in his head and that’s certainly not what his actions are saying. Even if he does have some feelings for you, they don’t override what he wants to do so what good are they.

Start, today, putting your life back together. Even if it‘s just a small step each day, it helps in the process of moving on. And, above all, don’t take him back next time. Eventually, you’ll see you’re better off without him. In the meantime, focus on you and not him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And it doesn’t really matter why he did it. He may not even know himself so how can anyone else know. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Basically, he did it because he wanted to in the moment. And I doubt he’s done yet so be prepared for him to try to continue to go back and forth between the two of you. Don’t let that happen.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Evej said:


> *I started suffering with vaginismus *


I don't think you mean "vaginismus" - I think you're referring to your serial cheating POS husband continually causing you to suffer from Vaginitis due to him sticking his d*ck in places it shouldn't be. That's an infection caused by an imbalance of good and bad bacteria in the vagina. Magically, it cleared it up whenever Casanova wasn't around. Big surprise.



> *We got back together, sex was good the first 2 times then he couldnt keep an erection. *


You actually took this serial cheating POS _back_? And then when he couldn't get it up you actually started blaming yourself????

Are you stuck on some remote mountain and he's the ONLY male in a 1,000 mile radius or something and that's why you continually waste your life with him? I don't get it. I don't.



> *I've told him I'm not willing to stay in a sexless marriage again, he says you wont, but hes not even trying to come near me to see how it goes, I feel like I'm back to how it was before?*


So you're not willing to stay with Mr. Wonderful if he's not having sex with you, you but you're more than happy to stay with him *knowing* he's a serial cheater? After he's infected you numerous times with Vaginitas every time he got himself some side action, and even after he literally DESERTED you to run off and move in with one of his side pieces? Why on EARTH would you take someone THIS low back into your life?

*



...whether it will work or he'll cheat again in the future is not predictable 

Click to expand...

*Actually, it IS predictable. With HIS type - a serial cheater - it IS predictable. I know you've managed to delude yourself into believing this cheater has behaved like a monk for 12 years and that the "only two times he's cheated" are the ones you know about, but you're fooling yourself. Sure as death and taxes, and sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, you can bet Casanova will cheat again. He'll be jumping on top of the very next opportunity that comes his way. _*You*_ just won't know about it (like the other times he's gotten away with it that you DON'T know about).

You're being extremely naive, OP. Do you *honestly* think that anyone who's capable of sinking to lows he's sunk to was just a fluke and he's learned his lesson? And that you just _happened_ to catch him every single time he's gotten himself some side action?

Sorry, but you're not even close. It's much more likely that for every time you DID catch him, there were 5 times you didn't. That's just a likely fact.

He'll do it again. You'll see.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think you mean "vaginismus" - I think you're referring to your serial cheating POS husband continually causing you to suffer from Vaginitis due to him sticking his d*ck in places it shouldn't be. That's an infection caused by an imbalance of good and bad bacteria in the vagina. Magically, it cleared it up whenever Casanova wasn't around. Big surprise.
> 
> 
> You actually took this serial cheating POS _back_? And then when he couldn't get it up you actually started blaming yourself????
> ...


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think you mean "vaginismus" - I think you're referring to your serial cheating POS husband continually causing you to suffer from Vaginitis due to him sticking his d*ck in places it shouldn't be. That's an infection caused by an imbalance of good and bad bacteria in the vagina. Magically, it cleared it up whenever Casanova wasn't around. Big surprise.
> 
> 
> You actually took this serial cheating POS _back_? And then when he couldn't get it up you actually started blaming yourself????
> ...


Sorry maybe I wasnt clear, 2 years ago I started with vaginismus, couldnt have penetration that's when we stopped having sex, while he was having the affair in jan for 3 weeks this year, I cured it myself with relaxation techniques and sex resumes when I took him back but then he stopped. I now know this was because he is likely now seeing someone and that's what he wanted or thinks he does anyway. Its difficult for me to explain how our lives are so close not, hes never been away from me, we go out together, we were at one point working together for several years too .with him, both times he cheats, it's not that I find out through someone or looking, he cannot be himself with me, his entire ways towards me start to differ, he doesn't have sex with me and the ow at the same time, he has to commit to one and distance himself from the other. I'm sure he hasnt done it during those years, but I do agree with everything everyone us saying about all this side, when I read your comment I actually burst into tears it's all so true


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Evej, families often don't want the status quo to change cause it makes them uncomfortable or puts them out in some way. In addition, no-one but you know the pain of what he has done to you. Only those who have been through what you have been through can empathize (same with us on this forum). Why don't you deserve better?

Who cares whether he is messed up, I don't see anything about him that isn't the normal garden variety serial cheater. He is a steaming POS and you seem to think that you are not worth more than this treatment? Where is your anger at being treated so badly? I really think you are messed up to have no boundaries when it comes to him.
You need counselling for yourself to explore why you would allow a man to do this to you many times. Let him have his OW, but kick him out, get on with your life. Erase him from your life. Of course this will take time but love yourself enough to do this!

No he does not love you, if that is love, it is a very damaging sort of love. He may be messed up but really why should you suffer anymore? What about you? When are you going to put your foot down and put yourself first? When are you going to say enough is enough? It is not up to you to make him whole, it never was.

Please get rid of him. Please start working on yourself, getting your life together, getting yourself sorted and doing what you want to do. You may want him in your life but honestly if this was your best friend's scenario what would you advise her every time she comes to you with her heart broken over what her POS WH has done, what would you tell her? Suck it up some more? I don't think so.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Aine, your last post to me made me cry when I read it, it's all true every single thing you wrote, hes gone, moved in a flat fri, seeing someone he was most likely popping round to see while he was here, the same woman likely, doesnt really matter who. I want to meet someone else now, I know I have a lot to give, I wrote a draft txt but havnt sent it, I'm pondering over whether it's just my anger or the fact it contains everything I think of him and get it off my chest. It's all been too nicely said even when the cheating has been going on and he was with her and he knew I knew they were together I was being so calm about things ,saying stuff like it's all so sad, but not anymore. I havnt sent it because I dont want to appear like I care or chasing and appear like im not over him, which clearly im not just yet, here is a draft, tell me whether I should send it for my own release or is it wasted effort as we all know he has no cares anyway.
Get your lazy ass to sort your own **** out, find your own utr, contact your insurance and car tax, cancel sky. Pay for the divorce. I'm not here for you anymore, you're a useless piece of **** I wasted 20 yrs on, nothing but a dirty OLD man with nothing to offer anyone. Useless in bed, over time you'll be told that when they're brave enough if they stay long enough. You're a compulsive liar and cheat. No respect for anyone it's all about you and your wants and needs. Do you actually think youve fooled anyone with your excuses of confusion, or not being happy, just didnt work out and that I'm just paranoid, No, you were in touch with someone and craved their attention, your "I'll keep in touch" was a ploy to distract suspicion. Worried about your name again and being seen for what you are, you're actually worse than your brother tony except hes got more to offer. You're jealous of Tony's conquests, Harry's achievements. The attention these mongs give you makes you feel you have something to offer. I want my grey throw back before its covered in yours and pigface's or whovers bodily fluids all over it, You're all brawn and no brain, and actually a worthless coward really, not brave enough to pull Tony when he said he read the txt you sent wanting fun with her, or when he told me you didnt have a pot to piss in. I'm so much better than you, better than you ever deserved and everyone knows it. Time to ****ing grow up as if that will ever happen. I'm not even angry, just stating the cold hard truth I should have told you years ago. I bet deep down Lauren must be so proud of who her dad is, im Done.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Evej, it was not my intention to make you cry. Now you are using your anger. You shouldn't bother about him or waste any more energy on him. Don't waste a text on him. The best revenge is to act like you do not care and eventually get to a place where you don't actually care.
I would suggest you get a journal and write down everything your feel, your hurt, anger, disappointment, the memories, etc. It will be a way of letting out stuff and also a reminder when you become weak and want to let him back in your life. Just read all the crap he did and the pain he caused you and it will help you keep your resolve to cut him out of your life.
Just cut all contact immediately and start doing the 180 on him. The less you communicate with him and about him to your family the easier it will be for you to cut those ties and grieve properly over your 20 yr marriage. You will go through a cycle of grief, up one day down the next, angry one day, missing him another, all perfectly normal, it is like coming off a drug.

Contact a good lawyer and see how you can proceed with divorce and make sure you get your share of the assets.

I do not know how old your daughter is and if you are sharing custody but if he wants to see her, he will have to arrange times and drop off locations etc. On no account let him in the house. Please clear this with a lawyer and ensure all is in black and white.
Do not get involved with another man until you sort yourself out first. You need to be whole yourself first. Another man will not make you whole, only you can do that by working on yourself.
Get counselling for yourself, there are many organisations in the UK who can help you, for example Relate will provide you free guidance on divorce and give you advice on how to get individual counselling and join a support group. Go and speak with them or do it over the phone, online etc.

Take up a new hobby, a sport, something you enjoy or always wanted to do, something for you. You will meet new friends that way too.

There are many people here who have been through a divorce and will give you lots of wisdom and advice also.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I say don't send it , moving on with your life will send a stronger message. The moment you hit send you just be waiting for a reply and take yourself back to a weak place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Before you get into another relationship, you need to spend some time focusing on you. Otherwise, you’ll end up with another man just like him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No point in sending it. He doesn’t care and he’s not likely to read it anyway. Plus it makes you sound like you’re trying to get back at him for leaving you (because you are). Let it go.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I really dont want a reply and that's the truth, he wouldn't, and if he did it would be go **** yourself as hes where he wants to be at the mo, it was more to make me feel a bit better that for once I'd told him how it is. As for contact it's done, not had or wanted any, he asked my daughter how I was but I think that was just to pretend hes bothered, she said yeah fine and I told her to say same if he ever asks again. I dont want him knowing anything about what I do or how I feel, today is bad, I suppose it's only 2nd day since we chatted and he left, the realisation has set in that this is going to be worse than the affair as I can no longer take him back and this is final. During the time he was with the woman which was 3 weeks, my kids convinced me we had problems of communication, I convinced myself I could take him back, now hes left again after such a short time and likely with someone there is no chance. My lifestyle doesn't help, I cant work but I paid the bills and rent, so left with hardly any money to buy food or anything, I'll pay the Bill's my daughter will help best she can but she will move out with her bf eventually, I can go to friends occasionally once a month for a drink, most of them go out with their husbands like we did with them before, I dont have any hobbies other than reading and anything new will cost, I dont even drive anymore. Hes left me with the house, (only council) everything in it, I never wanted to live here but it is what it is, hes taken his bank account and wages obviously, he pays his car and food and sky. He will be not be paying half as much out now.I feel like I adapted to him, went socialising on a weekend to the pubs he likes, , he drives I dont, he works I dont anymore, I helped run his business till he went to work for his brothers firm, at that time I never returned to work and have bit of anxiety and panic attacks which is going to be worse now. I'm stuck in this house 7 days a week now, wasnt great before as when he came in from work he would go to bed anyway. Sorry to sound gloomy but the future isnt looking too bright, I'm not looking for sympathy, just need to pull myself out of this hole. Thank god my 22 yr old daughter lives with me for the moment or I think I'd be suicidal


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why not file for divorce since it’s over? That way you can request support money.

find new hobbies. There are tons that don’t cost much. Sidewalk chalk - paint some rocks - play a board game or solitaire.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s not wise for your daughter to be in the middle of your problems.

I'd make sure if he wants to know anything - to ask you directly! You have the option to respond or not.

but it’s very unhealthy to make any child carry messages between two parents not getting along.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evej said:


> I really dont want a reply and that's the truth, he wouldn't, and if he did it would be go **** yourself as hes where he wants to be at the mo, it was more to make me feel a bit better that for once I'd told him how it is. As for contact it's done, not had or wanted any, he asked my daughter how I was but I think that was just to pretend hes bothered, she said yeah fine and I told her to say same if he ever asks again. I dont want him knowing anything about what I do or how I feel, today is bad, I suppose it's only 2nd day since we chatted and he left, the realisation has set in that this is going to be worse than the affair as I can no longer take him back and this is final. During the time he was with the woman which was 3 weeks, my kids convinced me we had problems of communication, I convinced myself I could take him back, now hes left again after such a short time and likely with someone there is no chance. My lifestyle doesn't help, I cant work but I paid the bills and rent, so left with hardly any money to buy food or anything, I'll pay the Bill's my daughter will help best she can but she will move out with her bf eventually, I can go to friends occasionally once a month for a drink, most of them go out with their husbands like we did with them before, I dont have any hobbies other than reading and anything new will cost, I dont even drive anymore. Hes left me with the house, (only council) everything in it, I never wanted to live here but it is what it is, hes taken his bank account and wages obviously, he pays his car and food and sky. He will be not be paying half as much out now.I feel like I adapted to him, went socialising on a weekend to the pubs he likes, , he drives I dont, he works I dont anymore, I helped run his business till he went to work for his brothers firm, at that time I never returned to work and have bit of anxiety and panic attacks which is going to be worse now. I'm stuck in this house 7 days a week now, wasnt great before as when he came in from work he would go to bed anyway. Sorry to sound gloomy but the future isnt looking too bright, I'm not looking for sympathy, just need to pull myself out of this hole. Thank god my 22 yr old daughter lives with me for the moment or I think I'd be suicidal


Oh boy. 

Do you have some kind of disability income? 

I don't know what the divorce laws are where you live. Could you get some alimony from him. You say he took his bank account. As his wife, do you have any rights to any of the money in his accounts? Here where I live it's a community property state so each spouse is entitle to 50% of all community assets. Does he have a retirement fund? Do you have any rights to that?

Look at the link for the "180" in my signature block below. The 180 outlines how you should interact with him going forward. The purpose of it is to protect yourself emotionally.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

He has no obligation by law to pay me anything, I recieve a small amount of money from the state but it's not a disability as such. There is really no helping him, I've always thought there was something not quite right from the get go, he has strange traits that's I've put up with throughout our marriage, after much reading I'm pretty sure he has ASPD (sociopath) he lacks empathy, is a charmer when he needs something then goes cold, he lives for the moment, doesnt plan ahead, acts on impulse, that's without the lieing and cheating. The love he tells me he has for me, and what people see as his love for me, is a love that is different to the norm, I'm better off out, I do think he knows he has issues but he would never seek help, I'll just have to try to move on the best way I can taking each day at a time.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does he do drugs?


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Never touched them but binge drinks a lot on weekends


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Just to recap on what's happened, husband was seeing someone for a few weeks while he was with me ( no sex) I knew something was off and kicked him out he lived with her for just over 3 weeks but needed his own space and was going to move out. He started txting me and said hed been an idiot and she was a nice lady but he didnt feel anything for her. We got back together and it was great for 2 months, slowly but surely, he started sloping out for half an hour on weekends and his demeanor towards me changed. He was stressed I could see it in him, he said something wasn't right so I kicked him out again, he is now in his oen flat and I'm pretty sure seeing her again on the weekend, he told my daughter he loves me and thinks of me every day, but nevertheless hes doing what he wanted to do, it's only been 2 weeks but I'm having a mental breakdown. If it works for him then it does, if it doesnt I understand that I'll never trust him if he ever came back, but at the same time I'm thinking that if he wants to try again and I say no, he will probably beg through the realisation of what he had and lost and maybe never go down this rd again. I'm just stuck in this awful headspace


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You've been a willing OPTION for far too long. But that was your choice.

Sadly, every time you've taken this lying low life back after his continued unacceptable behavior toward you, you've sent him the message that you don't respect yourself enough to demand BETTER in life, and that you're willing to settle for someone who can't even show you the level of respect most of show the common house fly.

And you've DONE it enough times that he knows exactly how weak you are and that he can easily convince you yet again to give him another chance.

It's time to stop being an option for someone who just sees you as a soft spot to land. Give *yourself* the respect he WON'T give you.

I honestly don't think my tag line about self worth could be any MORE true than it is in your situation.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Evej said:


> My husband didnt have any problems with ED before he went with this woman, we stopped having sex when I developed vaginismus, he wasnt helpful with it, before he came back, he told me he had had ED with this woman, then after he came back it happened once with me also, now sex had just stopped again.


Your husband is the one who sounds confused and doesn’t know what he wants. My advice to you is stop wondering what this Ed problem is all about and how it works with one person and not the other. All of that is noise in your head. Know this....you are good enough and worthy of love and respect. What do you want? As hard as it is to detach yourself from him emotionally...he has already done that. He’s checked out. For own sake and sanity...please stop trying to figure out his issues and decision to cheat. Maybe try and figure out why you think there’s something wrong with you instead. There are always two sides to every relationship. Maybe your current state of mind of trying to appease him is part of the problem. You have been betrayed for the second time. Where is the line in the sand? I can understand why you would want reconciliation after being with the same person for 20 years...that is a huge part of your life. But, I encourage you to find some inner strength and stick to a plan that you are worth more than what you’re getting and he needs to know that. Do the 180.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You told him when he came back that you weren’t willing to stay in a sexless marriage. Now that he’s gone again, you want him back but the odds are great that your marriage would still be sexless. You need to let him go.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Well the Ed started when he was with her he told me that before we got back together, it had never happened here before, but he had the odd time when he came back, personally I think he went off through boredom and no excitement or buzz, hes living in a fantasy land, hes in someone else's flat having to do everything for himself, while here I did everything for him, he appears from what I can gather to be using this other woman as someone he can just go to when he feels like it, not particularly treating her very well. His mum rang today and said she was shocked hed done this and said he is going to regret it when reality sets in. I have had no contact with him and been on dating apps but I still feel the time will come when it hits him, he told someone that when he came back there was something missing he couldnt put his finger on and that maybe he doesnt love me in a way that he should, but they said they felt like this once before and being apart made them realise that all they were missing was the buzz and as soon as it wore off and they spent time alone thinking about it they realised they did love. There is nothing wrong with me, other than my addicted love for him and my marriage, we got on really better than most couples do, I'm trying very hard to not think about taking back if the time comes due to never trusting, but I've also seen him break down like a little child which is not his nature, do men ever stop cheating? Ever learn ? Can something trigger them like their wives saying no and making it a long hard process before they take them back? make them realise all they had


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Evej said:


> I have had no contact with him and been on dating apps


You should really be focusing on yourself right now, not dating. 



> do men ever stop cheating? Ever learn ? Can something trigger them like their wives saying no and making it a long hard process before they take them back? make them realise all they had


I do not believe the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" but the cheater has to do a lot of work on themselves to stop that behavior and make sure it never happens again. So yes, men (and women) can stop cheating if they want to. It doesn't seem like your husband actually wants to stop. His _words_ may say he wants to change but his _actions_ don't. Crying and having breakdowns is not what your looking for. Getting professional help is what you're looking for from him, and a lot of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evej said:


> Well the Ed started when he was with her he told me that before we got back together, it had never happened here before, but he had the odd time when he came back, personally  I think he went off through boredom and no excitement or buzz, hes living in a fantasy land, hes in someone else's flat having to do everything for himself, while here I did everything for him, he appears from what I can gather to be using this other woman as someone he can just go to when he feels like it, not particularly treating her very well. His mum rang today and said she was shocked hed done this and said he is going to regret it when reality sets in. I have had no contact with him and been on dating apps but I still feel the time will come when it hits him, he told someone that when he came back there was something missing he couldnt put his finger on and that maybe he doesnt love me in a way that he should, but they said they felt like this once before and being apart made them realise that all they were missing was the buzz and as soon as it wore off and they spent time alone thinking about it they realised they did love.


In long term marriages, loves ebbs and flows. There are times when you feel madly in love, and times when you don't. Love is also a verb, it's action. When one does not feel particularly strongly in-love, the idea is carry on doing loving things and time time that in-love feeling returns.

Sadly, our society now pushes the infatuation period of a relationship, when you first meet and fall in love, as the only thing that counts. If that feeling is gone for even a minute we are told that we need to end the relationship. That's why today many people go from relationship to relationship but never really finding long-term love.

It's almost impossible to rebuild a marriage and get back that feeling of being in-love when you don't live together. Very few couples ever get back together after a separation. All the separation does is to ease into a divorce. 



Evej said:


> There is nothing wrong with me, other than my addicted love for him and my marriage, we got on really better than most couples do, I'm trying very hard to not think about taking back if the time comes due to never trusting, but I've also seen him break down like a little child which is not his nature, do men ever stop cheating? Ever learn ? *Can something trigger them like their wives saying no and making it a long hard process before they take them back*? make them realise all they had


Could you explain what you mean but the sentence I bolded and underlined? When their wives say no to what?


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

I meant if he realised what he'd lost and I said no you can't come back you've gone too far this time, if I stuck with just explaining the damage and things he needs help with of his actions, do you think if he has stopped seeing the ow, letting him suffer a bit might change his thinking that I'm not just going to take him back like before and he needs to work for it, you see we also share the same friends as well, all he has are his brothers that he doesnt socialise with and one friend who hadn't judged him simply because he cheated on his wife and is now single, but they dont see each other much, he has so much to lose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evej said:


> I meant if he realised what he'd lost and I said no you can't come back you've gone too far this time, if I stuck with just explaining the damage and things he needs help with of his actions, do you think if he has stopped seeing the ow, letting him suffer a bit might change his thinking that I'm not just going to take him back like before and he needs to work for it, you see we also share the same friends as well, all he has are his brothers that he doesnt socialise with and one friend who hadn't judged him simply because he cheated on his wife and is now single, but they dont see each other much, he has so much to lose.


There is a book that I think will help answer the questions you are asking here: *"Surviving An Affair"* by Dr. Harley. The book is a quick read but is packed with info. It has a plan of action that would help you a lot. In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have already done basically Plan A. Since Plan A has not worked, then you move on to Plan B. Plan B is basically the same as the 180, you know the thing that many people on here have told you about. The 180 is a way to interact with him.. a way to protect yourself. Do the 180 until either until the affair is over and your wayward husband (WH) has ended all contact with the affair partner (AP) and committed to rebuilding your relationship.

One of the things that you should require of him if you decided to reconcile is that he has to see a doctor about his ED and also you two need to go to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. A sexless marriage should not be acceptable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You mentioned 'years of masturbation'. Does he masturbate a lot? Does he use a lot of porn?


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

It was for 2 years before the affair, he did watch porn at that time I'm sure, the main reason for the masturbation was he couldn't be bothered with putting an effort into me in other ways as we couldnt have intercourse for the 2 years due to my vaginismus. I cured it when he left to live with her for the 3 weeks and the first couple of times after he returned the sex was brilliant, the love came back during the first 2 months, then he stopped and turned cold and I knew he was now talking to her again. He is actually using her now, that is obvious and I think he said he had been chatting to another woman as we are seperated, but I know him so well and hes living in some fantasy land of living for the moment then reality all comes crashing down on him, he told my daughter who asked him some questions she wanted answers to that he deeply regrets cheating behind my back and is sorry that when he came back it wasnt right and he had to leave again but something was missing, I think the way we got on like best friends tells me it's not about me or the ow, it's the buzz he had that was missing


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evej said:


> Just to recap on what's happened, husband was seeing someone for a few weeks while he was with me ( no sex) I knew something was off and kicked him out he lived with her for just over 3 weeks but needed his own space and was going to move out. He started txting me and said hed been an idiot and she was a nice lady but he didnt feel anything for her. We got back together and it was great for 2 months, slowly but surely, he started sloping out for half an hour on weekends and his demeanor towards me changed. He was stressed I could see it in him, he said something wasn't right so I kicked him out again, he is now in his oen flat and I'm pretty sure seeing her again on the weekend, he told my daughter he loves me and thinks of me every day, but nevertheless hes doing what he wanted to do, it's only been 2 weeks but I'm having a mental breakdown. If it works for him then it does, if it doesnt I understand that I'll never trust him if he ever came back, but at the same time I'm thinking that if he wants to try again and I say no, he will probably beg through the realisation of what he had and lost and maybe never go down this rd again. I'm just stuck in this awful headspace


If you are legally married then he has to give you alimony or some sort of support. Go to Relate and find out or call a lawyer and find out what your options are. Don't let the weasel away with anything.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evej said:


> I meant if he realised what he'd lost and I said no you can't come back you've gone too far this time, if I stuck with just explaining the damage and things he needs help with of his actions, do you think if he has stopped seeing the ow, letting him suffer a bit might change his thinking that I'm not just going to take him back like before and he needs to work for it, you see we also share the same friends as well, all he has are his brothers that he doesnt socialise with and one friend who hadn't judged him simply because he cheated on his wife and is now single, but they dont see each other much, he has so much to lose.


Why are you so focused on him and taking him back? why do you think it would be any different. He is who he is. He will run off again when the next ***** comes along that he takes a fancy to, or when you do something or don't so something that pleases him. That is not a loving relationship, why would you want to live like that?
You do not need this train wreck in your life, what you do need is to make yourself stronger, build your self-esteem. Do something with your life, go back to school, get a part time job, something that will take time and attention so you are not moping about in the house pining for a man who has treated you like **** for years. Aren't you worth so much more than this. I am sure your adult kids will tell you this.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Why do you hold on as he is a wandering wreck? Do you think that one should not give up on marriage, no matter what?

IMO: You do not have a marriage and have not for a long time. It was good when he returned between trysts--even those you know about. He has you charmed for sure. Open your eyes. There was NOTHING you could have done differently. You think and think and second guess, but all in a blind alley with wishes and 'what ifs'.

You have been given great advice. Stop talking to everyone in your life for their opinion. He will not change. You can if you wish. Or you can remain in the valley of eternal doubt.


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> There is a book that I think will help answer the questions you are asking here: *"Surviving An Affair"* by Dr. Harley. The book is a quick read but is packed with info. It has a plan of action that would help you a lot. In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have already done basically Plan A. Since Plan A has not worked, then you move on to Plan B. Plan B is basically the same as the 180, you know the thing that many people on here have told you about. The 180 is a way to interact with him.. a way to protect yourself. Do the 180 until either until the affair is over and your wayward husband (WH) has ended all contact with the affair partner (AP) and committed to rebuilding your relationship.
> 
> One of the things that you should require of him if you decided to reconcile is that he has to see a doctor about his ED and also you two need to go to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. A sexless marriage should not be acceptable.


Thanks Elegirl, I read about the plan b and it looks like something that we should have done when he came back the first time, I understand a lot of people on here saying I should just kick him into touch for what hes done but tbh reading that plan b , I was throwing it up at him while he was here, I wouldn't initiate sex, all the things plan b talks about, I didnt know that her door was open for him if he chose, so I have nothing but time with this lockdown and I've been getting fit and concentrating on myself a lot yesterday and today, I'll wait it out for a few weeks and see what happens and to be honest we both jumped back in so quick last time as well thankyou


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

So heres an update Elegirl, during the last 2 weeks I've been looking after myself and been on a dating app talking to one particular guy, nothing serious as I'm still obv not over all this. I learned the other day that my husband has only seen this ow a couple of times since he left and had told his family it's over, he has been visiting his family a lot and my sister in law told me she knows for sure he has spent the last 2 weeks alone and he's saying he has deep regrets of what has happened but has no idea how to talk to me to try to work it out as I'm not talking to him. His mum rang me and said have I moved on, I said I have no interest in him and what he's doing, she asked am I seeing anyone, I said as best I can and no I'm not but I'm chatting to someone, but it's not serious, its obv gone back to him and he feels hopeless, which in my mind is a good thing. The problem I now have is, if I ever decide to talk things over about him, not me or the ow, and if it gets to the point of a reconciliation, how on earth and what do I do about the ow? She lives less than a mile from me, she will leave her door open to him, would I just trust him that he would tell her it's over, should we both go tell her or just leave it, I have no idea what to do under those circumstances, the plan b says it must be ended with her but it doesnt say how?, he told her before he was leaving her and she knows he came back to me, we both know he was clearly lieing to us both but she doesnt seem to care about that


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## Evej (Apr 29, 2020)

Sorry should say the last 3 weeks for me


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