# Husband has anger issues



## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

How much is enough? 
Married 1 year and together 3.
We are a blended family. He's an army vet. Amazing dad and loving hubby.
However Hubby has anger issues. Never hits me. But he yells any time he's upset. Will curse at me, slam things, slam door. He gets mad if I even say anythjng. What bothers me is he does it in front of the kids. I hate having them be terrified. I don't what them hearing that. I get scared of him too.He's in therapy but just started. 
I just let him move back in yesterday and today on Mother's Day he cursed at me and had a melt down.
Is this fixable?
I don't want to be divorced again


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might have PTSD.

He needs treatment for his anger problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

My wife checked out of my marriage about 15 years ago. About 5 year ago I realized it in one horrible moment. Purely by accident. I guess she planned on taking it to her grave. 

I never hit her, but I used to yell any time I was upset. Curse, slam things, slam door. Gets mad if she even say anything. What bothers me is I used to do it in front of the kids. I hate having them be terrified. I didn't what them hearing that. My wife would get scared of me too.

I don't do it anymore since that horrible moment about 5 years ago. Fixed me on the spot.

My wife is gone for good. But I thank god every day I never lost my kids. They are strong, healthy, smart. And I truly believe they made it through that messy time in my life still loving me. For THAT, I am forever thankful. I am a better man now. Not perfect. Maybe not even good. But I will NEVER be the kind of man that would drive away the most important person in my life. How could I have been like that in front of my kids. TO my kids....


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

He never was in combat in army never had to shoot or anything but did go to Iraq. He does have PTSD but fork when his ex attempted suicide while they were on Skype with each other when he was deployed.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> My wife checked out of my marriage about 15 years ago. About 5 year ago I realized it in one horrible moment. Purely by accident. I guess she planned on taking it to her grave.
> 
> I never hit her, but I used to yell any time I was upset. Curse, slam things, slam door. Gets mad if she even say anything. What bothers me is I used to do it in front of the kids. I hate having them be terrified. I didn't what them hearing that. My wife would get scared of me too.
> 
> ...



This makes me happy to know it can be fixed but sad it was too late to keep her. What made you this way? Is there anything I can do to change him? He seemed like he was changed and doing so much better and now he's back to his old ways. Do I allow him relapses? Is it a slow process? I don't know what to forgive as long as he's in therapy


FYI McCoy I pm you


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I just let him move back in yesterday and today on Mother's Day he cursed at me and had a melt down.


Hi Ms R. Let me see if I can come close here. 

You had him move out. And as a precondition of moving back in, he had to start going to therapy. He went a couple of time, so you let him move back in. 

Bold, but there were no consequences. That was all a huge hassle to him. Not a life changing event. He still doesn't "get it". You need to shake up his world. He needs to see how close he is to losing everything he has. 

I wish I could tell you how to do that. You have to make him "get it".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It can be fixed. I was much the same with my W. One day it all came to a head in my brain what I was doing was wrong. That and my W saying get help or she was gone. I did self help using techniques found on the internet. It takes time and occasionally I fall off the wagon as it were and get loud. I have learned to just step out for a breather. Your H has gotten help and just started. Again, it will take time and also that whack on his head where he realizes what he is doing is a form of abuse. He needs to find it within himself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to be going to therapy yourself so your IC can help you learn proper boundaries, i.e. what to do when he gets angry. What you DON'T do is just stand there and do nothing - that teaches the kids they have no value and no rights and should expect to be treated badly. I would start by telling him each time the anger returns, you will be taking the kids for a walk or a drive. Period. And then DO it. Leave for 30 minutes and come back. If he tries to blame you and gets mad again, turn right back around and leave again. Rinse and repeat. Stay somewhere else if you have to - but he doesn't get to have his family if he LETS himself resort to anger.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My H wasn't allowed back until he was consistently safe. He was gone three to four months before he gained enough skill through 2 to 6 hours of therapy a week before he was more consistent. So, if you calculate the number of hours that is in therapy, split the middle and say he averaged three a week for three to four months that's 36 to 48 hours of therapy before he was safe enough to come home. It takes work and time for sure before safety sticks. It took us another six months or so past that before we felt we could go without such heavy therapy. Don't skimp on it... he is definitely where he needs to be. Don't underestimate that.

ETA: When I was going through this I focused on keeping inside our walls at home as a 100% safe zone for our son. That kind of behavior was not allowed inside the walls of our home.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My H wasn't allowed back until he was consistently safe. He was gone three to four months before he gained enough skill through 2 to 6 hours of therapy a week before he was more consistent.


Are you still with him? If yes, do you love him?

Not a threadjack. It shouldn't have taken four months. So my guess is that the answer to at least one of those is "no".


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Are you still with him? If yes, do you love him?
> 
> Not a threadjack. It shouldn't have taken four months. So my guess is that the answer to at least one of those is "no".


Shouldn't have taken four months to do what?

Yes, we are still together and yes, I love my man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> He never was in combat in army never had to shoot or anything but did go to Iraq. He does have PTSD but fork when his ex attempted suicide while they were on Skype with each other when he was deployed.


 Holy s**t! That would be enough I think. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

He also lacks empathy. He is never supportive or kind when I'm down. He doesn't comfort me. Instead he gets angry when I'm upset. It sets him off. He makes it about him and is very defensive and we argue. He can't just comfort me and support me.
He cursed me out on Mother's Day. That was it for me 
He told me today he can't be that person. He doesn't want me to kick him out. He wants to live in our office till we figure out what to do.
I want him to beg for me and fight for me but nothing. I've been carrying all the work all this time. It can't be me doing all the work. 
We just had therapy Friday and he's also in individual therapy as well


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> He also lacks empathy. He is never supportive or kind when I'm down. *He doesn't comfort me. Instead he gets angry when I'm upset. It sets him off. He makes it about him and is very defensive and we argue*. He can't just comfort me and support me.
> He cursed me out on Mother's Day. That was it for me
> He told me today he can't be that person. He doesn't want me to kick him out. He wants to live in our office till we figure out what to do.
> I want him to beg for me and fight for me but nothing. I've been carrying all the work all this time. It can't be me doing all the work.
> We just had therapy Friday and he's also in individual therapy as well


Maybe I can explain the bolded part - For a lot of men, they are fixers. They want to make/keep their wife happy. When you come to him and start talking about issues, wanting his support, he may feel overwhelmed, and powerless to FIX whatever is upsetting you.

This then sets him off. Think about trying this the next time you need to talk about something. "Honey, I love you, and I am NOT upset with you, I am not asking you to FIX ANYTHING in what I want to talk to you about. I just want a kind ear to listen to me, and give me a hug when I am done talking"

My wife used to call me at work complaining about how the kids were acting at home, I'd hang up the phone wondering WTF am I supposed to do about it at work?? Took awhile to figure out she just wanted to vent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> He also lacks empathy. He is never supportive or kind when I'm down. He doesn't comfort me. Instead he gets angry when I'm upset. It sets him off. He makes it about him and is very defensive and we argue. He can't just comfort me and support me.
> He cursed me out on Mother's Day. That was it for me
> He told me today he can't be that person. He doesn't want me to kick him out. He wants to live in our office till we figure out what to do.
> I want him to beg for me and fight for me but nothing. I've been carrying all the work all this time. It can't be me doing all the work.
> We just had therapy Friday and he's also in individual therapy as well


Really? Are you sure about that?

My wife is a high functioning Asperger's and when I am upset over something she freaks out and shouts at me for being angry with her.

The problem is that due to her AS, she can't read facial expressions well, so when I am upset she mistakes it for anger.

Might this be the case here, sometimes? You might think he is angry but he isn't?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I thought for a while he was a narcassist. I was convinced. I had him take some online quizzes and it wasn't narcassist but he was in the middle gray area. I haven't thought about autistic. I need to look into that. He is introverted and not social.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Mrs. Rodriguez said:
> 
> 
> > He also lacks empathy. He is never supportive or kind when I'm down. *He doesn't comfort me. Instead he gets angry when I'm upset. It sets him off. He makes it about him and is very defensive and we argue*. He can't just comfort me and support me.
> ...



That's actually right on. He always wants to fix us and gets mad when he can't. I like your approach


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I thought for a while he was a narcassist. I was convinced. I had him take some online quizzes and it wasn't narcassist but he was in the middle gray area. I haven't thought about autistic. I need to look into that. He is introverted and not social.


I was wondering if *you* might be autistic?

It would explain why your husband might say he isn't angry, but you thought he was?

Perhaps you could both take the tests?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MrsR. One of two things is happening here. 

- He doesn't love you and he's acting this way. This is not my opinion. You'd be dead or he'd be in jail or gone by now. 
- He loves you but he's acting this way. I'm going with this one.

He has heard from you on every one of your complaints about him. He knows he does not show the kind of affection you desire. He knows he has a temper and or is impatient with you. He knows his desire to always be right irritates you. And as long as all he has to do is move out for a couple of weeks and/or sleep in the guest bedroom for a few weeks, fine. He'll put up with it. Trust me, that is A HELL of a lot easier than personal introspection and possible having to take responsibility for your actions. I know it. I've BEEN THERE. 

His problems are a problem to him 3% of his waking life. The minutes leading up to his outbursts, the outburst and aftermath all take 20 minutes. A fraction of his life. He doesn;t know you live with it 24-7 and it's killing you. He doesn't know he's doing this to you.

I was lucky. My realization (too late, of course) that she was gone came at a perfect time. I had been on these forums for a few months and a lot of things didn't make sense until my revelation brought it all together. It was crystal clear. And there was NO WAY I was going to be that kind of man again. "Fixed" on the spot.

Not all are that lucky. Some have to work at it a little harder. A lifetime of habits is hard to break. But it starts with him wanting to change. He does not right now. And he won't until he knows how far gone you are. Right now he has no clue. I'd almost bet my life on it. I lived it and I see it over, and over, and over on these forums.

He needs to KNOW how far gone you are.

Good luck


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This then sets him off. Think about trying this the next time you need to talk about something. "Honey, I love you, and I am NOT upset with you, I am not asking you to FIX ANYTHING in what I want to talk to you about. I just want a kind ear to listen to me, and give me a hug when I am done talking"


I'd recommend not having this conversation. Or at least if you DO, at least understand your conversation will not end in with that hug. As a matter of fact, I can only see it making things worse. 

Or try this, Have this conversation. When it goes how I think it will go, hand him divorce papers and immediately start prepping for your exit. If you sell it well enough, you will then sit back and watch the magic happen.

WARNING: Seeing him lying in the fetal position crying and swearing he'll change DOES NOT mean he has changed. You seeing a REAL difference in him after 6 months means he MAY have changed.

Good luck. There will be no easy way out of this for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I tell my H, the only thing that seems to work, is when I say 'when you do ABC, it makes me not want to be around you. Keep doing ABC if you want to, but understand that I will walk away. Or not talk to you for days. Or whatever, but I WILL react.'


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> He also lacks empathy. He is never supportive or kind when I'm down. He doesn't comfort me. Instead he gets angry when I'm upset. It sets him off. He makes it about him and is very defensive and we argue. He can't just comfort me and support me.
> He cursed me out on Mother's Day. That was it for me
> He told me today he can't be that person. He doesn't want me to kick him out. He wants to live in our office till we figure out what to do.
> I want him to beg for me and fight for me but nothing. I've been carrying all the work all this time. It can't be me doing all the work.
> We just had therapy Friday and he's also in individual therapy as well


He may lack it at the moment, but was it something that was part of his childhood development or is it something that is walled off as a operational defense mechanism?

I was raised in a loving nurturing family and empathy/compassion was a part of me then. The military changed that as I joined at a very early age (17) and was trained to give it up to be effective in combat. Adjustment to being a civilian again can be, for lack of a better word, brutal... some have to learn to unblock/unlock those emotions all over again. The military teaches us "quick fixes", he may be battling an environment outside of his element to currently understand, thus the anger.

I don't know how long your husband has served or how many tours he has had, but since he has a diagnosis of PTSD, his counseling is the first best step, finding peace is a long road though... hope you both have the strength, both of your challenges have only begun.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I thought for a while he was a narcissist. I was convinced.


Well, anything is possible. That is not what you're describing, however. Whereas a narcissist is unable to love, you describe your H as being very loving of you and the children -- when he is in his good mood. Whereas a narcissist generally is stable, you describe a man who is emotionally unstable.



Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Amazing dad and loving hubby. However Hubby has anger issues.


Mrs. Rodriguez, one possibility is PTSD -- as @MattMatt explains above. Another is IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). Yet, if he really does suffer from IED, you should be seeing the anger issues triggered outside the family as well as inside the family. That is, rages would also be triggered by total strangers, as occurs when adults exhibit road rage. You are not describing any events triggered by strangers, however. Moreover, IED rages typically are followed by true remorse, not the hollow apologies you are describing.

For these reasons, I will mention a third possibility: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whereas IED rages are triggered by stress (which can be caused by anyone), BPD rages typically are triggered by threats -- from a loved one -- of abandonment or engulfment. Hence, BPD rages typically are triggered only by a close family member/loved one.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.


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## ppppp (Sep 9, 2016)

I got married 2 yrs back. my husband gets angry for petty issues. If I describe the incidents, it might sound silly but in that moment, in front of him, when I see his face with anger for senseless and meaningless reasons, or no reason at all, it hurts to the core.

And, if this happens everyday. once, twice, thrice... how long can I tolerate being abused, insulted, degraded. manipulated...

Wthr this is done once or 100 times, an abuse is an abuse. 

Tolerance depends on the individual. I don't want to waste my life with him, with self-respect. Non-physical or verbal abuse cannot be proven. abusers are very tricky. you cant find any fault with him. They will pretend to be deaf.

I left him and don't want to see his face again. ITS NOT WORTH IT.


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