# Depressed wife wanting divorce



## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

Hi Guys,

I could really do with some advice on a really complex issue and would like to put my situation out there for you to advice.

I have been with my wife for 14 year, married 6. We met when we were 18 and in 2013 we had our child who is now 6 years old.

When my wife was 16 she had a relationship with an older man, who forced her to have sex with some of his friends on more that one occasion, sometimes just one on on and other times with a group. She had very low self esteem and came from a family background in which both parents had clinical depression. 

Our relationship went well up until about a year before my son was born, when she started to become quite disinterested in sex with me and my son was conceived on my Birthday!! In that year before my son was born i noticed that she began to sleep alot and would spend entire days in bed on the weekend and left me to do the majority of housework and decision making.

When my son was born she found the experience of giving birth very traumatic and began to fall into a deep depression, she had nd still at times has a crazed look in her eyes. We saw a specialist but she said she felt judged and ended the sessions. AS time went by we fell into a of her sleeping most weekends and neglecting my son while i did the hard wark(nappies, feeds, pick up, drop off), she would occasionally organised a fun day out , but when we returned home she would become ill or tired need need to sleep, i cooked meals for her and my son, i would often come home from work around 9pm and she would not have fed him or put him to bed, while she did not harm him phsyically she was really neglectful and at times would tell him once he began to speak that she wanted to kill herself. During this period her behavior got worse, she would end up in tears over the slightest(at tiimes infont of my son) thing and return to bed on weekends, however she was always up to go to work on Monday morning. For the next five years this pattern would repeat and she would continue to reject my sexual advances and at times due to the fact that she had very poor hygiene i became disinterested, additionally when she had her bad moments she would take it out on me (eg one occasion i stopped to get a coffee on the way to work, it took 2 mins, she went into a tirade about her being late and it being my fault, this would happen most morning, at times infront of my son, she also had anxiety problems and became very anxious over being late for work). Somewhere in the middle of this realized that there was a problem and i tried numerous times to counsel her but it was never enough, took her places she wanted to go etc but she would always end up with her in tears and in an almost emotional abusive and draining situation. My needs be it emotional, physical and sexual were bottom of her list. During this time i spoke to her parents twice and they ignored it(not in support of the marriage anyway), mental health services (they advised that they had to have her consent and she refused). i began to feel burnt out and exhausted and under appreciated for all i did and my efforts to support her and stick by her in the hope that it would get better. I am naturally a kind hearted and decent person and it takes alot to get me angry or upset, However things did not change and we began to have some bad arguments as i felt she was doing the family a disservice, now when she attacked me, i would attack back and i called her a bad mother on a few occasions and told her that she was a mess, my tank was on empty.

Around three years in she tried to take me to marriage counselling, i went to two sessions but i felt that the counselor sided with her and did not have a true reflection of what was going on, the narrative that she had given to the counselor was that i was somehow neglecting her and just being an evil misogynistic man! the counselor bought it.

Any how last summer things got really bad and we had some very big arguments which led her to move into my son's bedroom, stating that she wanted a divorce and that we should attend mediation. After two or three months of this i convinced her to give the marriage another go and move back into our room, on the proviso that we got marriage and individual counselling. In January this year we started going to counselling, mainly individual but with a few joint ones too with the same counselor, additionally i organised several fun activities and found a babysitter , such a go karting and luxry spa weekend, cinema, dinner you name it we did it, we got to around april and i began to notice that she had not organised one thing for us to spend time as a couple, her phone was always protected and we had not had sex since our split the previous summer . So i got suspicious and started to notice that she would often look at guys while she was with me, perhaps to see if they were looking at her(i link this to low self esteem) and did some snooping and found out that she had been having explicit sexual chat with a guy that she had met on an online game, they had sent pictures and videos of each other masrtubating, some of which she sent while we went out on dinners etc. The last message broke me in which they had agreed to meet, she actually took the day off work(work is everything to her and the one thing she continues to do without breaking down, i had to beg her to take a half day for a recent spa day) and went to meet him in his hotel, she denyed it all at first, however then she came clean although she swears that when she got there she was so anxious and the situation was awkward that nothing happened, however she stated that if she was not married that something may have happened, she is not very resmorseful and is continuing to keep having conversations with him. my wife has now said that she want to seperate and divorce and has booked mediation again and moved back into my son's room, i feel lost and not sure if i should be fighting to save this for my son as on the occasions that we do have good times, things can be good and i know that it would break my son to see the family split. She says she wants to split fairly and know that i have been a major influence in my son's life and wants it to stay that way. i feel at a crossroads not as devastated as this time last year but confused as the situation is not straight forward and her mental health issues confuse things.....i have stopped trying to reconcile and i am trying to use the emotional detachment technique as deep down i still want it to work but i feel as if it has gone too far now please help


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moved to CWI.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your situation isn't complex at all --

Your wife is lying: she cheated and is likely still cheat_ing_.

DNA the kid.

Divorce her either way.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Explain her hygiene issues. I find that weird, particularly for someone who seems like a career woman


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Make sure the kid is yours. If he is, file for divorce and custody. She is not fit to be his mother if everything you said here is true.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Unfortunately your response to her continued abuse of you is not really healthy. You can't fix your wife, she has to want to do it. You can however fix yourself, you need to figure out why you have tolerated being in an abusive marriage for so long. 

You probably have no idea what has really been going on, but many times victims of sexual abuse end up acting out by cheating in very hurtful ways. There is one post on here whose wife is similar. I would bet money that this was not her first rodeo and there has been physical cheating before including with this guy she met at the hotel. 

Please get some help for yourself. By the way when you have been separated for this woman for a while you will begin to realize what a terrible dysfunctional prison you have been in.


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

dna the kid.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> By the way when you have been separated for this woman for a while you will begin to realize what a terrible dysfunctional prison you have been in.


Ain't that the damn truth. At any rate, and I don't know about free but you get the picture


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

It appears to me that this entire relationship, dating and married, you have given her what she wants. Even without the cheating, I would divorce, add in the cheating I would file and have her served at work. I would have her served at work as this appears to be the only thing important to her. List the reason as adultery and also name the OM. Then if OM is married expose to his wife. After that, buy her a card, inside write the following, I have given you all I can, and now I give you divorce as you wish. 

Begin the 180, only deal with her for your child. Your child will be better off if you divorce also, just what do you think your child is learning a marriage is? Find someone else after divorce that will treat you the way you should be.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not sure what you expect to salvage here, or why when she clearly has so many issues that are beyond your ability to help.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ellsd36 said:


> I have been with my wife for 14 year, married 6. We met when we were 18 and *in 2013 we had our child who is now 6 years old.*


2017 - 2013 = 4


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Clarification please: Your child was born in 2013 but is now 6 years old?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let me put it this way..... I envy you. You have an out. You have a reason to divorce your worthless and broken wife. You know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes? I divorced my worthless wife with two kids under 5yrs old because we hated each other and were in a 4+ year sexless marriage. No cheating or anything, so I looked like the bad guy when I pulled the plug. 

You have been given a gift from the Gods... use it and divorce her and end your sham of a marriage on the high road. She fcked up and gets to deal with the consequences. You get a redo at life and to find a woman that wants your **** 24/7. You'll find someone much better next time around. Life is about learning from mistakes, so don't screw up your second chance.

Half full!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, why don't her parents like you? You said they aren't in favor of the marriage.

Second, divorce won't break your kids. If your wife suffers long-term depression, having one home that is healthy will actually help them, so they can see what a healthy, nurturing, stress-free home looks like.

Third, if you are still considering staying married, the only way to save your marriage is to expose the affair to her important people and ask their help in getting her to stop this affair. Tell them that you just want her to give OM up and go back to therapy and if she still wants out, that's fine. But she shouldn't make that decision when she's in the middle of infidelity. She'll be mad at you exposing. That's fine, your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive a third person in it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, let's recap.

This is how you described your wife: a neglectful mother, poor housekeeper, doesn't want to have sex with you, bad hygiene, lazy, continuously depressed, cheated on you, isn't remorseful, and wants to divorce you. 

What's not to love?

Friend, she's doing you a favor. Divorce her and move on.


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## Ian (Jun 14, 2017)

I thought my situation was bad but yours is worse sir. I know the feeling of wanting your wife for the person you know she was/can still be. My wife is going through depression and is acting crazy. I don't know if she is cheating or if she will cheat but I can tell you that cheating is an emotional response. It isn't a rational decision. Everyone knows you shouldn't cheat on your spouse. I believe if you want to you can stop her from cheating without forcing her to. I don't think she will stop cheating just because you get other family involved, you two have a life together with a child. That's a good rational reason not to cheat. So your options as I see them are to weather the storm, work on yourself, go to the gym, eat well. Also you can make an effort to talk to her like a strong masculine dude. don't cry don't whine don't say thing like can we please fix this. you get the idea. Hopefully.. maybe you can look like the better option between yourself and the dude. You should have confidence in yourself because you've dealt with her bs for this long, the other guy doesn't know what hes in for. Option 2 is simple. get divorce papers put them on the table and tell the truth. Shes cheating on you and is acting like a terrible mom. Me and my wife are in the very early stages of this depression nightmare. I'm hoping it will blow over soon, and we can get back to normal. I'm assuming that you and I are in the same boat that we don't want to move one with someone new and then there is no chance of fixing the family. Good luck, pls keep us posted


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

RWB said:


> 2017 - 2013 = 4


Apologies my child was born in 2012 and is now 5 years old


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

eric1 said:


> Explain her hygiene issues. I find that weird, particularly for someone who seems like a career woman


Well when her depression gt worse she would not bath for weeks on end, her personal hygiene now seems to be on the up, possibly because she is meeting new people


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Let me put it this way..... I envy you. You have an out. You have a reason to divorce your worthless and broken wife. You know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes? I divorced my worthless wife with two kids under 5yrs old because we hated each other and were in a 4+ year sexless marriage. No cheating or anything, so I looked like the bad guy when I pulled the plug.
> 
> You have been given a gift from the Gods... use it and divorce her and end your sham of a marriage on the high road. She fcked up and gets to deal with the consequences. You get a redo at life and to find a woman that wants your **** 24/7. You'll find someone much better next time around. Life is about learning from mistakes, so don't screw up your second chance.
> 
> Half full!


Thank you i am starting to come round to this


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

First, why don't her parents like you? You said they aren't in favor of the marriage.

Second, divorce won't break your kids. If your wife suffers long-term depression, having one home that is healthy will actually help them, so they can see what a healthy, nurturing, stress-free home looks like.

Third, if you are still considering staying married, the only way to save your marriage is to expose the affair to her important people and ask their help in getting her to stop this affair. Tell them that you just want her to give OM up and go back to therapy and if she still wants out, that's fine. But she shouldn't make that decision when she's in the middle of infidelity. She'll be mad at you exposing. That's fine, your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive a third person in it.

We are in an interracial relationship and her family have some old fashioned views. I am coming round to the idea that i may not want to save things as she shows no signs of wanting to end things and says that she no longer loves me in a sexual way


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

Ian said:


> I thought my situation was bad but yours is worse sir. I know the feeling of wanting your wife for the person you know she was/can still be. My wife is going through depression and is acting crazy. I don't know if she is cheating or if she will cheat but I can tell you that cheating is an emotional response. It isn't a rational decision. Everyone knows you shouldn't cheat on your spouse. I believe if you want to you can stop her from cheating without forcing her to. I don't think she will stop cheating just because you get other family involved, you two have a life together with a child. That's a good rational reason not to cheat. So your options as I see them are to weather the storm, work on yourself, go to the gym, eat well. Also you can make an effort to talk to her like a strong masculine dude. don't cry don't whine don't say thing like can we please fix this. you get the idea. Hopefully.. maybe you can look like the better option between yourself and the dude. You should have confidence in yourself because you've dealt with her bs for this long, the other guy doesn't know what hes in for. Option 2 is simple. get divorce papers put them on the table and tell the truth. Shes cheating on you and is acting like a terrible mom. Me and my wife are in the very early stages of this depression nightmare. I'm hoping it will blow over soon, and we can get back to normal. I'm assuming that you and I are in the same boat that we don't want to move one with someone new and then there is no chance of fixing the family. Good luck, pls keep us posted


Thanks for your comments, I am probably going to perform a 180 with the hope of the best outcome, but if not i will be ready and prepared for the end of my family as i know it...... i hope your journey is not as long and painful as mine. My only advice would be to treat her sensitive, however remember that you are only human and you need to have your needs met, also to seek professional help as soon as possible


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ellsd36 said:


> Thanks for your comments, I am probably going to perform a 180 with the hope of the best outcome, but if not i will be ready and prepared for the end of my family as i know it...... i hope your journey is not as long and painful as mine. My only advice would be to treat her sensitive, however remember that you are only human and you need to have your needs met, also to seek professional help as soon as possible


Implementing a 180 in the hopes that it will bring her back to you will compromise your decision-making process, potentially impacting the way that you interact with her, therefore hampering the effectiveness of the 180.

The 180 is intended as a tool to help one detach from his or her spouse.

Use it for that.


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

I will be using it to detach myself and i have found it to be effective in already as a tool for myself. I wish i ha implemented it sooner...However i am a family man and if it can help and will bring back my family and reshape the future of my child, for whom i would make the biggest sacrifice, then i will not and can not give up that slight glimmer of hope


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a kid together. You owe it to the kid to at least TRY to save the marriage. By exposing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ian said:


> I thought my situation was bad but yours is worse sir. I know the feeling of wanting your wife for the person you know she was/can still be. My wife is going through depression and is acting crazy. I don't know if she is cheating or if she will cheat but I can tell you that cheating is an emotional response. It isn't a rational decision. Everyone knows you shouldn't cheat on your spouse. *I believe if you want to you can stop her from cheating without forcing her to.* I don't think she will stop cheating just because you get other family involved, you two have a life together with a child. That's a good rational reason not to cheat. So your options as I see them are to weather the storm, work on yourself, go to the gym, eat well. Also you can make an effort to talk to her like a strong masculine dude. don't cry don't whine don't say thing like can we please fix this. you get the idea. Hopefully.. maybe you can look like the better option between yourself and the dude. You should have confidence in yourself because you've dealt with her bs for this long, the other guy doesn't know what hes in for. Option 2 is simple. get divorce papers put them on the table and tell the truth. Shes cheating on you and is acting like a terrible mom. Me and my wife are in the very early stages of this depression nightmare. I'm hoping it will blow over soon, and we can get back to normal. I'm assuming that you and I are in the same boat that we don't want to move one with someone new and then there is no chance of fixing the family. Good luck, pls keep us posted


Ian, i am sorry to say this but that statement is absolutely incorrect...he can not stop her from cheating, if she does not want stop, if she has no desire to stop, if the will and hunger to cheat is stronger then her love for her husband/family whatever, he can not make her do anything....it has to come from her. it has to be a conscious move on her part. anything else is wishful thinking and a fool's errand.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're planning on leaving anyway, go ahead and expose. It's the one chance you have at waking her up and getting her back to who she used to be.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Friend.

This is not healthy for your Son. She neglect him. She dont feed him or clean him. She doesnt have time for you or your Son but she has time for online gaming,texting,sexting and meetings in Hotel rooms with some strangers. 

Also she is a Cheater. 

I really dont belive you should try and save this "Marriage" because there is nothing to save in the first place. 

Good luck to you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

maryakaehr said:


> I think that this isn't only about her love for her family. It has nothing to do with how she feels about her husband, her child, or even the other man. She feels horrible about herself and gets her strength to go on from someone other than her husband because it makes her feel validated. It makes her feel like she's not the zero that she has always thought she was. She needs to get to the bottom of her self esteem issues or she will always feel like


I'm sorry Mary are you trying validate her cheating? and by chance what does that make Ian feel when she reaches out to another man...tell me how he doesn't feel like a zero at that point....so her feeling like a zero and reaching out someone is okay at Ian's expense. Interesting thinking.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You're not really listening to her. She has already made the decision that the marriage is over. She met another man at a hotel. What more do you need?

It takes two to say yes but only one to say no.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ellsd36 said:


> I will be using it to detach myself and i have found it to be effective in already as a tool for myself. I wish i ha implemented it sooner...However i am a family man and if it can help and will bring back my family and reshape the future of my child, for whom i would make the biggest sacrifice, then i will not and can not give up that slight glimmer of hope


How can you imagine having a healthy happy family with this woman who does not care for you, does not respect you, has and probably still is cheating on you? How can you think that the child can be happy with a mother like this.

It is best for the child to have a stable, loving female role model - your wife is not that.

Fear of the unknown is holding you back and keeping you and your child in this untenable situation.


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## maryakaehr (May 26, 2017)

No it isn't ok. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> How can you imagine having a healthy happy family with this woman who does not care for you, does not respect you, has and probably still is cheating on you? How can you think that the child can be happy with a mother like this.
> 
> It is best for the child to have a stable, loving female role model - your wife is not that.
> 
> Fear of the unknown is holding you back and keeping you and your child in this untenable situation.


I appreciate your comments and i am working on getting myself back


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> How can you imagine having a healthy happy family with this woman who does not care for you, does not respect you, has and probably still is cheating on you? How can you think that the child can be happy with a mother like this.
> 
> It is best for the child to have a stable, loving female role model - your wife is not that.
> 
> Fear of the unknown is holding you back and keeping you and your child in this untenable situation.



I agree to a point, however i had wanted the perfect upbringing for my child, in the hope that my wife would sort out her issues, but you are right around the caring and respect for me and the cheating and i can't take that any more....i deserve better


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> You're not really listening to her. She has already made the decision that the marriage is over. She met another man at a hotel. What more do you need?
> 
> It takes two to say yes but only one to say no.


Well guessed i hoped that it was a phase and that she would come round in the hope of actually trying to work t the marriage for our son. Life can be complex and people make mistakes ......realizing that you made mistakes takes time and clarity....none of which are present at the moment. But you have a point which i am starting to take on board the marriage is over


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ellsd36 said:


> I agree to a point, however i had wanted the perfect upbringing for my child


The 'perfect' upbringing you describe is teaching your child to be as dysfunctional, harmful, and amoral as his mom. We grow up to be just like our parents, and usually the worst one. It's all we know, after all. By staying and allowing her to harm you, you're teaching your child to be harmful - or a victim. Does that sound perfect?

At least if your child had ONE stable healthy home, he'd know what normal looks like.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

ellsd36 said:


> Well guessed i hoped that it was a phase and that she would come round in the hope of actually trying to work t the marriage for our son. Life can be complex and people make mistakes ......realizing that you made mistakes takes time and clarity....none of which are present at the moment. But you have a point which i am starting to take on board the marriage is over


I am of the firm belief that some acts are beyond atonement. Unforgivable acts occur every day. For me, meeting another man at a hotel would be one. Doesn't matter to me if she regrets it every day of her life. There is no way she could restore my trust. I won't live that life. We're done.

In your case, the wife does not show any remorse whatsoever. She wants out. Listen to her. Spend your energy on yourself and your child.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Give her what she wants. A divorce. She's broken. You cant fix her. Let the other guy try.

DNA the child if it matters to you.
Imagine if s/he turns out to be not yours.
They will still look at you as "Dad".
How would you explain to them that you're not their Dad.
Would you love them any less?
Care less about them?
If its purely for less money you have to give some idiot ex-partner I would encourage you to think long and hard before learning something you might not really like to know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Your situation isn't complex at all --
> 
> Your wife is lying: she cheated and is likely still cheat_ing_.
> 
> ...


As OP used the term British nappies rather than the American term diapers, I am guessing he is in the UK, so just getting the child's DNA without the knowledge of the mother would be illegal, so isn't, unfortunately, an option.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ellsd36 said:


> I agree to a point, however i had wanted the perfect upbringing for my child, in the hope that my wife would sort out her issues, but you are right around the caring and respect for me and the cheating and i can't take that any more....i deserve better


Instead give them an example that when things don't work out, and you are treated poorly that you should stand up for yourself and move on with dignity and strength. Your life, your kids life, no ones life is perfect. What you need to do is lead by example and show them how to handle it when it's not. What are you teaching them now? 

Please to wake up one day 20 years from now only to find your kids being abused by their spouse who is off with someone else because your actions showed them that is how love works. Or even worse watch them abuse someone who loves them because that is what their mother showed them. You can get out, you can heal yourself, you can find better and give them an example of a loving relationship with someone else. You can tell them one day that what their mother did was wrong, and the pain that you felt when we had to break up the family was an example of why you DON'T do that. 

A lot of time when parents stay for the kids they leave the kids feeling guilty and what the kids learn is cheating is not a big deal because there was never any consequence for it. You can teach them all that, and that is a better thing then giving them the unobtainable perfect life. 

Seems like only YOU can do that now.


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## ellsd36 (Jun 14, 2017)

Thanks for all your comments, at the moment things seem so complicated, sorting out finances, childcare etc. We have started mediation and she has said that she wants it to be fair and in the best interests of our son.

Still finding myself snooping around for clues etc, as she seems to be walking around care free, buying new bra's, shaving her legs and doing her make up at every opportunity and completely un remorseful or concerned about what this split will do to our son. 

I guess it's time to set myself free, the problem is i have been thinking so much about where it went wrong, the warning signs and the part that i played in the breakdown.....but i firmly believe that you get what you give and she was giving me nothing.........we were so good at one point so strong, we built an empire together, however in our lats chat she said that she can't commit to the marriage at this moment in time....it all hurts so much


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How it wrong has a part to play...after you either proceed to reconcile or divorce.

If you know you have work to do on you, do it. But just because you have contributed to the dysfunction of the marriage does not mean you should endure someone treating you in this manner. 

In other words, boundaries always matter. Learn to love yourself enough to make it so.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

DNA the kid, meet with a divorce lawyer, begin separating the finances - take her name of your cards, bills, etc. Get an STD check. Also, do all the spying stuff like planting voice recorders around her car and your bedroom. Your life kind of sucks now. It will continue to suck for a while. But if you are fully informed about what is going on you can start to make better choices.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ellsd36 said:


> I guess it's time to set myself free, the problem is i have been thinking so much about where it went wrong, the warning signs and the part that i played in the breakdown.....but i firmly believe that you get what you give and she was giving me nothing.........we were so good at one point so strong, we built an empire together, however in our lats chat she said that she can't commit to the marriage at this moment in time....it all hurts so much


Look man I said it in another post but I think, 60% of a good marriage has to do with the person you pick to marry. If they have the right kind of character you can fight through most stuff. If they are broken you can be Jesus himself and your marriage isn't going to make it. Unfortunately you picked someone who had a huge amount of damage from her experience with that awful guy who pimped her out. While I feel very sorry for her and it's a lovely sentiment that if you just love a broken person enough they can somehow overcome their demons, life doesn't work like that. To overcome demons the person with them has to work their whole lives most of the time. It's a huge risk. Especially the kind your wife had. 

It really is like buying a car in a lot of ways you got to do your research and kick the tires and all that, or you can get blown away by the pretty exterior but if it's a lemon you are stuck. Can't drive a car without a working engine. I think your biggest mistake is in who you picked. 

Anyway best to work on learning what to pick next time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lostinthought61 said:


> maryakaehr said:
> 
> 
> > I think that this isn't only about her love for her family. It has nothing to do with how she feels about her husband, her child, or even the other man. She feels horrible about herself and gets her strength to go on from someone other than her husband because it makes her feel validated. It makes her feel like she's not the zero that she has always thought she was. She needs to get to the bottom of her self esteem issues or she will always feel like
> ...


Mary is not trying to validate her cheating. She is explaining what is probably going on in the his wife's head...his wife's wrong thinking. 

Of course it makes her husband feel terrible. But do you think his wife cares if he feels terrible? Most likely now. And if the OP feels like a zero because his wife is cheating, he needs to realize that her cheating is on her, not him. 

They both share responsibility for their marital problems. But only she is responsible for her affair.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You mentioned FOO and possible CSA issues and then the topic completely got lost. This is the underlining issue that drives her every action, her sense she will fail both as a wife and a mother. Therefore most of the advice given may factually right, the reasons are wrong and will lead to greater harm for you and your son. A poster once wrote "we settle for the love we think we deserve, not the one we want". Take a moment and tease out the nuance of that statement. In your case your love is what she wants, the filth and slime she is drifting to is what she thinks she deserves. Hence the depression and sense of complete and utter failure as a woman of worth, a good wife, and a good mother. Understand YOU CANNOT HELP HER OR STOP HER. I know of only one case like your's that seems to be doable. The poster listen to me snd others who had been there (note my knowledge is booked learned) and followed our advise. He is cautiously optimist but accepts even if she heals the reason the marriage was valid for to need, the healed person may move on. This is an act of true love. 

To begin she must accept the care of a psychiatrist not a therapist or a psychologist with a background with FOO and CSA issues. There is a big difference between them. The first is a doctor with the ability to write scripts and is focused on behavioral issues as well as emotional issues. Your wife needs both. You cannot push or threaten her to attend and follow though. You can suggest, offer support for that choice but cannot demand she do so. If you do you will run into an extreme case of authoritain defiance. All you can do is allow her to distance herself, in fact gentle push her away to protect yourself and your son. The commonly used term is " gray rocking " look it up. 

This is your truth accept it or it will destroy you. Prehaps attending an Anon might shed light on the path you must take.


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## maryakaehr (May 26, 2017)

Ok




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*DNA your child and get out of the relationship post haste!

Get to a good family lawyers office pronto!*


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

A client of my firm discovered the affair. He was somewhat relieved that he could be rid of her, but some of the disrespect shown him pissed him off, so he let it drop to mutual friends of his and the AP, that his wife had a problem with bowel control. He basically started a rumour that his wife had **** the bed on several occasions. 

Apparently, shortly thereafter, she broke wind after sex. The AP totally freaked and shoved her out into the hallway naked as the day she was born, precipitating a call to the local constabulary and a breakup.

So, she turned every shade of red at their mediation, did not help that from across the table, he kept making farting noises.


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