# New to here and have a question



## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Wife and I have been married for 15 years and has been a typical marriage and has been successful. However I’ve noticed a few changes over the past 6 months or so with my wife, she is 42 very attractive and works in lending. She has begun telling me that she has become confident in her looks and has noticed other guys checking her out and lt makes her confident , in the past she never drank very much, but now drinks occasionally at home and at times wants to go hang out with her married coworkers to have drinks, either at a local bar or there home, she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues, and has become lackluster in the intimacy side. I don’t feel she is the type to stray but am wondering if she is going through a midlife crisis or something else. She is also the most attractive girl in her office and have discovered that she is worried about her boss hiring a new younger female admin. I overheard her saying the guys in her office want to hire her because she is young and cute, and that she would just dress up more for work. She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome. I’m just worried that she might be going through a midlife crises that might get worse before it gets better. And advice of thoughts? TYIA!


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

It could be a mid-life crisis. It could be that she feels like she's not being admired enough or shown enough attention at home. It could be a lot of things. 

I think you'd be surprised who is and who is not the "type to stray". Most never see it coming, not in a million years.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Saints1234 said:


> she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues, and has become lackluster in the intimacy side.
> I don’t feel she is the type to stray
> She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome.


Her behavior is straight out of the Cheater's Handbook, and, the Bible. Every God-fearing christian is subject to the same temptations as all people are. And, the bible
is full of examples where people who, in the majority of their lives, were God-fearing, but the "cares of this world" caused them to stumble and fall. By His magnificent mercy,
some of them came to restoration "on the other side" of their selfishness, but it was never without pain, and pain for the innocent bystanders who were close to the selfish person.

"Midlife crisis" describes your wife's actions perfectly. As Barney Fife said "...nip it in the bud....". You are correct that the path she is on will get worse before better. The way to "nip it" is to EXPOSE her behavior to friends, family, her pastors or presbytery, and cause the pressure of the church-at-large to do its job. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a shot.

Remind her that she can return to God anytime, she doesn't have to wait until her life is destroyed. Paint the picture for her, of how you will be GONE if any of this turns into more than it currently is. She has a CHOICE. If there are any kids, point out the destruction that will happen to them if her current path is continued.



hubbyintrubby said:


> I think you'd be surprised who is and who is not the "type to stray". Most never see it coming, not in a million years.


We recently had a local pastor who was quite a philanderer over many years. I didn't know the man well, he was only a brief acquaintance, but he "looked" like the pillar of truth and the fully-consecrated dispenser of it. I would have, never in a million years, suspected this was his path, from the pulpit to the brothel. His path eventually led to the murder of two of his wives and a prison cell for the rest of his life. It was incredible news to hear, I was utterly flabbergasted.....


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

I give her attention, I do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, I understand relationships has its ups and downs but this seems different. She seems to have taken a different perspective on life the past 6 months, she seems to focus more on her job than our relationship, and I get the leftovers. I feel there is something else I’m not seeing, maybe she is worried she’ll lose here work swag when her boss hires a younger female, maybe it’s her, maybe it’s me or both of us. The biggest thing is I have asked to see her “work” cell phone that she uses as a personal cell with all her social media etc... and she won’t show it to me, and has mentioned older customers have told her she is attractive & which I expect a man in there 60’s-70’s to do. But I can’t get over the fact she won’t show it to me/be transparent with it. Also she wanted to go have drinks with her female coworker and husband at a local bar on Valentine’s Day, and has expressed that she now wants to go have fun with her coworkers “girls trip” out of towns to shop and bar hop (something she never wanted to do in the past). Last year she went to her company Christmas party and stayed overnight at a hotel with most of her colleagues, got very intoxicated which is very out of her character, and said she enjoyed partying with her coworkers because she didn’t have to worry about me or the kids. She used to criticize those who party and get drunk, but now she seems to accept it and want to partake in it (without me). It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you a stay at home dad?

I worked in lending for years and am not buying the privacy issue on her phone.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> I give her attention, I do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, I understand relationships has its ups and downs but this seems different. She seems to have taken a different perspective on life the past 6 months, she seems to focus more on her job than our relationship, and I get the leftovers. I feel there is something else I’m not seeing, maybe she is worried she’ll lose here work swag when her boss hires a younger female, maybe it’s her, maybe it’s me or both of us. The biggest thing is I have asked to see her “work” cell phone that she uses as a personal cell with all her social media etc... and she won’t show it to me, and has mentioned older customers have told her she is attractive & which I expect a man in there 60’s-70’s to do. But I can’t get over the fact she won’t show it to me/be transparent with it. Also she wanted to go have drinks with her female coworker and husband at a local bar on Valentine’s Day, and has expressed that she now wants to go have fun with her coworkers “girls trip” out of towns to shop and bar hop (something she never wanted to do in the past). Last year she went to her company Christmas party and stayed overnight at a hotel with most of her colleagues, got very intoxicated which is very out of her character, and said she enjoyed partying with her coworkers because she didn’t have to worry about me or the kids. She used to criticize those who party and get drunk, but now she seems to accept it and want to partake in it (without me). It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks


I guess I mean attention as in romantic attention, not household chores. Flirting, making sure she knows she's wanted in and out of the bedroom, taking time to warm her up, etc. That kind of thing. Once that goes, especially near that mid-life time, things can go sideways in a real hurry.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She seems like she is living 2 separate lives, her home life and her work life. I don’t know why she doesn’t involve you with her work, why she wouldn’t take you to the Christmas party. 

I think that you need to force her to Include you at work functions. And if you don’t have a life and hobbies Of your own I think I you should get some. 

When she says things like other people tell me I’m attractive, I think that is the time to open up and have a conversation with her about why she is really telling you that. Is it to make you jealous, her way to tell you to step up her game, her way of warning you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Saints1234 said:


> I feel there is something else I’m not seeing


If it waddles, quacks, swims .... it's a duck. Nothing else needs to be seen.



Saints1234 said:


> It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks


Well, sir, sorry to say, but I'm not a bit confused. I just don't have a problem accepting "ducks", but I understand why you would. BTDT. When it happened to me, I made all kinds of excuses, including the "christian woman". I think my W was a christian, but she had a besetting sin which ruined her marriage and her life.

You have let this go too far already. Don't waste another minute. Come down. Hardball.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Have my own hobbies, and give her plenty of attention in and out of the bedroom, maybe too much. I feel and sense there is nothing going on with her extramarital, but I do feel she is attracted to the rush she gets with her work life. She Loves her job, but I feel she sometimes writes me out of here worklife. I do know she texts/messages her customers for business purposes but I do know that a lot of small talk happens in those conversations to. I think whatever is going on with her is at th infant stages but could grow depending on how I manage it. Biggest thing that concerns me is her not showing me the phone, and here electric smile that I’ve seen when I overhear or see when she talks with her female coworkers about her attractive customers


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Thanks you all for responding to this stay safe and covoid free


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

It’s almost like she’d rather stay at her workplace and hang out with her coworkers than spend time at home and god forgive give me a chance to take her out, to clarify my earlier point I’ve always asked to take her out or a quick trip away together over the years and she never wanted to but now wants to with her female coworkers (she’s asked to do so just once ) I’d be ok with her going but I feel she should have done so with me in the past first. Is there any recommendations on how to ask her to see her phone and actually getting to see it?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Saints1234 said:


> > *she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues,*
> 
> 
> Look up 20year's thread here on TAM. Her lying cheater did the same exact thing - acted like all his work stuff had to remain private becaue it was _SUCH_ a confidentiality breach if he were to dare make phone calls to clients in the house where his children or wife _might _overhear a snatch of his side of the conversation as they walked past him. So the phone was locked up tight and his computer and everything else - and he actually made all his phone calls OUT IN HIS CAR in the driveway. A briefcase full of condoms brought this idiot down.
> ...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I hope for your sake that you aren't too late, but somehow I doubt it.
At a very minimum, she doesn't respect you much.
After reading Post #4, she seems to enjoy rubbing your face in it.
I don't know why you're not pissed. You should be.
She wants to go hang out with another COUPLE on VALENTINES DAY and you aren't invited?
WTH! Why does she want to be a "Third Wheel?"
She goes to her Christmas party and you aren't invited. Then she stays out all night?
She won't go on a trip with you, but she wants to go with a bunch of girls she works with? Are they single or married?
Then she wants to go out barhopping all the time. Again, you are excluded.
Secretive with the phone and social media. This stinks to high Heaven.
It looks like you are being played. You need to be cool for a moment. Secure an attorney. Line your financial ducks up.
Then you go big. Sit her down at the table. Take control of the situation. Tell her you know she's cheating. If she isn't, it is incumbent upon her to prove that to you. She starts with giving up the phone. All social media is presented to you for your inspection. IF she leaves the room with the phone, marriage is over. It may be over anyway.
If she can prove that she is relatively clean, you need to outline for her what your terms are. Whether its IC, another job, whatever, she owes it to you and your kids to make things right.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah the fact that SHE went out with a couple (Are you SURE it was a couple?) on V-day and left YOU HOME?? Nope, no way. That is MAJOR disrespect. She is showing all the signs.
She stayed overnight with her co-workers? Why were you not at her Christmas party? I know a lot of financial firms DON'T invite spouses -- mine doesn't and I don't go anymore after my wife and I had a talk and she mentioned that it kind of bothered her -- she trusts me, but it upset her a bit that spouses were NOT invited. SO, I stopped going. PERIOD. Don't buy the "I need to show my face" bs either.

There are just too many things here -- now girls night out, girl trip weekends, her talking with them about attractive clients -- NOPE. NONE of that is showing that she has boundaries to defend your marriage and is extremely disrespectful of YOU.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Are you a stay at home dad?
> 
> I worked in lending for years and am not buying the privacy issue on her phone.


No not a stay at home dad and she says it’s company policy because she sends texts to customers about loan docs etc


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's unanimous, she has another who is and has tickled her heart and her emotions. 
DO NOT BE FOOLISH AND BELIEVE IT CAN NOT HAPPENED TO YOU. Cheaters are not special nor have a defense against it. Are you willing to lose your marriage to keep it? 

Marriage is to be open, if your wife asked to see your phone, what would be your response? Right. No problem. Nothing is different if the roles are reversed, nothing. Draw this hard line now demand it, ( seeing her phone) and or file if this doesn't get her attention nothing you will do in the future will.

And her Christmas party she sealed the deal to her affair partner. Don't be simple. Be that man who will fight for the marriage, but because she has done things NO MARRIED woman should stay out all night after partying. Give me a break!

I am sorry your here, but what you are doing, at your home is a trait of a Beta man. You need more of your alpha side to come out.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also the work cell phone thing is a no brainer I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> No not a stay at home dad and she says it’s company policy because she sends texts to customers about loan docs etc


So when wouldn't she trust you with her life. To keep it to yourself It seems not. Just don't believe lies. If it comes to you reading or a polygraph test, which she may cast dispersions against it, who cares once she you believe in it is all that matters. And this will show you her true feeling's and or if she has something to hide. 

But if you find your worst fears are indeed true, would you keep her knowing she did with another what she does with you?


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go


Take you wife off of that pedestal Now!! And you were the only spouse not there sorry my man she doing it with another. And as far as girls nite out stops 6 months ago. Your going to see your value in your marriage shortly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Saints1234 said:


> Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also the work cell phone thing is a no brainer I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me


Damn convenient excuse, no? I'm sure you can get a baby sitter. Is her phone locked down (pin, thumbprint)? Can you find out what that is somehow? If so, grab her phone when she is asleep. IF you find anything, make sure to get copies and save someplace she can't delete them...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> No not a stay at home dad and she says it’s company policy because she sends texts to customers about loan docs etc


She's blowing smoke.
If she can keep her social media and use it personally, then it is not a business phone.
Get that damn phone and get in it. Blow up her fantasy and her world.
You and your kids deserve better. Much better.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go


You should at least have been presented the option of being there.
You were the only spouse not there?
What the hell does that say.
You need to take charge of your marrage (if you still have one) and get off the diet of poo panini's she's serving you.
s


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How old are your children?

I'm not going to repeat the good advice and responses that you've already received. Instead, I'll provide a couple of thoughts:

1 - People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. She could have looked over your shoulder to ensure you didn't focus or 'read' any confidential docs.

2 - Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity - and every spouse has an obligation to avoid behavior that is suspicious. Your wife's change in behavior over the last 6 months is a fail.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also the work cell phone thing is a no brainer I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me


Tell her if she's so damned concerned about her kids, then maybe she should keep her ass to home and out of the bars.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's just not that interested in you anymore. You can't make her manufacture passion and interest in you. You can decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to stay in....or not.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Is she 100% present with you and your kids, or does she constantly engage in lengthy text exchanges over weekends, at dinner and during family activities - or at late hours?

Does she take her phone into the bathroom?

Does she obviousy guard the screen so you can't see the texts?

Does she frequently step into another room to talk on the phone?

Here's some options to consider:
1 - set up a situationally appropriate context and ask to borrow her phone to make a call 
2 - hide a VAR in her car and/or home office to record her conversations (not for use in court but for your peace of mind or to decide what to do next)
3 - the next time she's 'out' with coworkers, follow her to see who she's with
4 - follow her at lunch to see who she's going to lunch with
5 - hire a PI to follow her for a week or focus just on one day/event where she's likely to be with an OM 

Note: on another forum a spouse hired a PI (I think he lived in NJ) and shared the results. I was surprised at the information the PI was able to provide. The PI somehow obtained bank & credit card records, recorded conversations in public places, as well as names and pictures.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

1 - Neither you (or any spouse) can compete against another man for your wife (nor should you have to). Why? because in her mind, the OM is the new exciting sports car and you're the unexciting family van. Even your compliments and admiration of her don't trigger the same rush as his.

2 - Do not confront her (before having the evidence that you need to conclude she's cheating) in the hopes that she will confess. 

Why? because cheaters only admit to what they think you know. Therefore, you pointing out her suspicious behavior will not be enough to induce her to confess. She'll just go underground.

3 - When you are ready to confront (even if it's only to object to her nights out with coworkers), your wife will not take your concerns seriously unless she believes (really believes) that you are ready to divorce her (bluff if necessary).

4 - Talk with an attorney to see how divorce will impact you and if infidelity is relevant to the court (in some states it still is). The first hour consultation is often free. Do this before you confront so you can mention this during the confrontation - (makes a clear statement that this is non negotiable and that she has to chose between her marriage vs acting single).


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

I’m still not sold that she is seeing someone else, I’ve paid attention over the last few months and nothing stands out, I’m just trying to figure out why she changed over the past 6 months from conservative to carefree and having the desire to go to bars and drink, (in the past she never would go to bars it in a capacity that she wants to now) when we talk about it she says we are in a rut and it takes time for us to get out of it. There has not been an instant where I would expect her to Evan have time for cheating because her daily routine hasn’t changed. Also she is present with us at home with the kids but after they are asleep she wants to sit on her phone in private to “shop and surf social media” doesn’t try to make time for me just says she is always tired. We both take phone to bathroom, but she is particular with it when I am around. She never wanted to go on dates but now wants to with her female coworkers (who are legit). My only conclusion I can come up with is 1. Midlife crisis or 2. Her Recent actions are a gateway to her losing herself and not realizing it? Thanks again all


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> It’s almost like she’d rather stay at her workplace and hang out with her coworkers than spend time at home and god forgive give me a chance to take her out, to clarify my earlier point I’ve always asked to take her out or a quick trip away together over the years and she never wanted to but now wants to with her female coworkers (she’s asked to do so just once ) I’d be ok with her going but I feel she should have done so with me in the past first. Is there any recommendations on how to ask her to see her phone and actually getting to see it?





Saints1234 said:


> I’m still not sold that she is seeing someone else, I’ve paid attention over the last few months and nothing stands out, I’m just trying to figure out why she changed over the past 6 months from conservative to carefree and having the desire to go to bars and drink, (in the past she never would go to bars it in a capacity that she wants to now) when we talk about it she says we are in a rut and it takes time for us to get out of it. There has not been an instant where I would expect her to Evan have time for cheating because her daily routine hasn’t changed. Also she is present with us at home with the kids but after they are asleep she wants to sit on her phone in private to “shop and surf social media” doesn’t try to make time for me just says she is always tired. We both take phone to bathroom, but she is particular with it when I am around. She never wanted to go on dates but now wants to with her female coworkers (who are legit). My only conclusion I can come up with is 1. Midlife crisis or 2. Her Recent actions are a gateway to her losing herself and not realizing it? Thanks again all


Dude..........EVERYthing you're saying says affair. Every single thing.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Saints1234 said:


> I’m still not sold that she is seeing someone else, I’ve paid attention over the last few months and nothing stands out, I’m just trying to figure out why she changed over the past 6 months from conservative to carefree and having the desire to go to bars and drink, (in the past she never would go to bars it in a capacity that she wants to now) when we talk about it she says we are in a rut and it takes time for us to get out of it. There has not been an instant where I would expect her to Evan have time for cheating because her daily routine hasn’t changed. Also she is present with us at home with the kids but after they are asleep she wants to sit on her phone in private to “shop and surf social media” doesn’t try to make time for me just says she is always tired. We both take phone to bathroom, but she is particular with it when I am around. She never wanted to go on dates but now wants to with her female coworkers (who are legit). My only conclusion I can come up with is 1. Midlife crisis or 2. Her Recent actions are a gateway to her losing herself and not realizing it? Thanks again all


You can hope for the best, but you better prepare for the worst.
You have listed a huge # of red flags that people who are stepping out or are looking to step out present.
You should certainly be alarmed by the level of disrespect she is showing you.
I've been married 26 years. My wife has never shielded me from her phone or vice versa. If I ever questioned how much she was on the phone, she would present it and insist that I go through it. Our marriage is her #1 priority, and she acts accordingly.
She clearly doesn't want to be with you? Why?
Why is she so hung up on shielding her phone? If she has nothing to hide, why not?
Healthy marriages should have no secrets.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

If not showing you her phone is truly company policy, then it would be documented in a policy manual. Ask her to show you a copy. Do you know anyone else who works at that company? If so, ask them about any phone policy. I worked for a government agency and we had company phones too. We dealt with classified information and we did not have any policy about other people seeing our phones. I think she's blowing smoke.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OK. Say she isn't seeing someone else. Stop enabling her to be a checked out partner. Stop doing the majority of the chores, cooking etc. She thinks she's all that then she can just go love herself (ha).

So, who do you think she was dancing with at the Christmas party? And, she tagged along with another couple on Valentine's day? Really??? 

I still say she is spewing BS about the phone. Typical convo between lender and borrower would not identify the borrower and if it did - so what? Is she afraid that you're going to take out an ad in the paper and out them? She doesn't have to adhere to Hipaa rules.

She has already set it up to where she is going to start dressing nicer at work to maintain the fellas' attention. This woman has a plan. And, you need to get with the program pronto.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lot's of God fearing Christians cheat. She needs to be a lot more consequences fearing, as in let her know you know whats going on and the consequence if it continues or escalates.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One of the most common red flags is when a spouse distances themselves. It's a problem regardless of whether she's cheating. So you need to investigate what or who she finds more interesting.

Is she on Facebook? Can you observe who her friends are and who's post she 'likes'? Is she actively posting with Xs or any guys from high school? Anyone in mid life crisis is particularly vulnerable to old high school flames because each contact/text makes them feel young again.

What kind of phone does she have (android or apple)? Consider buying a tablet (it's much better for everything online). Set up the tablet yourself and install key logging software, then sync her social media accounts, texts, emails, and phone.


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> OK. Say she isn't seeing someone else. Stop enabling her to be a checked out partner. Stop doing the majority of the chores, cooking etc. She thinks she's all that then she can just go love herself (ha).
> 
> So, who do you think she was dancing with at the Christmas party? And, she tagged along with another couple on Valentine's day? Really???
> 
> ...


She didn’t go out on v day, her coworker and husband invited her and when she me I if I mind I told her “do what you want” in a way wher she knew I didn’t like the idea, moreover at her Xmas party last year she did say she danced with some of her coworkers while there wives were present. She still acknowledges our relationship and says it will work out but i don’t feel she is making an effort. I still believe her work life is where she feels the sexiest, and I get the leftovers at home because we have a 3yo & preteen and all that’s here at home is work and chores in which I do a majority of anyway. No I don’t think there is someone else, I just have a feeling that there could be down the road if she doesn’t start making an effort. I fee I’ve been a fair shake husband and have did things for her I don’t like doing (compromising) but have learned to navigate through it. As far as her dressing, no changes in her attire. I honestly feel that she is communicating with her male customers and coworkers in a professional manner but also having small talk with them to and not realizing what’s happening. Meaning she may think it’s ok and all the sudden the person she talks to is thinking differently and starts to indulge her which makes her feel good. I don’t have small talk with the opposite see on text or Facebook because I believe it wrong to begin with. I feel she is still in our relationship but whenShe is at work she may be a different person


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## Saints1234 (Apr 4, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> One of the most common red flags is when a spouse distances themselves. It's a problem regardless of whether she's cheating. So you need to investigate what or who she finds more interesting.
> 
> Is she on Facebook? Can you observe who her friends are and who's post she 'likes'? Is she actively posting with Xs or any guys from high school? Anyone in mid life crisis is particularly vulnerable to old high school flames because each contact/text makes them feel young again.
> 
> What kind of phone does she have (android or apple)? Consider buying a tablet (it's much better for everything online). Set up the tablet yourself and install key logging software, then sync her social media accounts, texts, emails, and phone.


How do I sync it without knowing her password


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Saints1234 said:


> She didn’t go out on v day, her coworker and husband invited her and when she me I if I mind I told her “do what you want” in a way wher she knew I didn’t like the idea, moreover at her Xmas party last year she did say she danced with some of her coworkers while there wives were present. She still acknowledges our relationship and says it will work out but i don’t feel she is making an effort. I still believe her work life is where she feels the sexiest, and I get the leftovers at home because we have a 3yo & preteen and all that’s here at home is work and chores in which I do a majority of anyway. No I don’t think there is someone else, I just have a feeling that there could be down the road if she doesn’t start making an effort. I fee I’ve been a fair shake husband and have did things for her I don’t like doing (compromising) but have learned to navigate through it. *As far as her dressing, no changes in her attire. *I honestly feel that she is communicating with her male customers and coworkers in a professional manner but also having small talk with them to and not realizing what’s happening. Meaning she may think it’s ok and all the sudden the person she talks to is thinking differently and starts to indulge her which makes her feel good. I don’t have small talk with the opposite see on text or Facebook because I believe it wrong to begin with. I feel she is still in our relationship but whenShe is at work she may be a different person





Saints1234 said:


> I overheard her saying the guys in her office want to hire her because she is young and cute, and that she would just dress up more for work.


I guess I misunderstood.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Saints1234 said:


> Also she is present with us at home with the kids but after they are asleep she wants to sit on her phone in private to “shop and surf social media” doesn’t try to make time for me just says she is always tired. We both take phone to bathroom, but she is particular with it when I am around. She never wanted to go on dates but now wants to with her female coworkers (who are legit).


Sigh... this will not end well.

This kind of misconduct creates suffering, did she take a vow of marriage or a vow of secrecy? 

I doubt being secretive was part of your vows... and it will destroy your intimacy.

Period.

But you know this.

If she is compartmentalizing, she is open to the enticement of emotional affairs... it is a gateway any marriage can ill afford.

It will become not an if, but when.

What boundaries are you willing to enforce?

This will set the tone for any success...


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Saints1234 said:


> Wife and I have been married for 15 years and has been a typical marriage and has been successful. However I’ve noticed a few changes over the past 6 months or so with my wife, she is 42 very attractive and works in lending. She has begun telling me that she has become confident in her looks and has noticed other guys checking her out and lt makes her confident , in the past she never drank very much, but now drinks occasionally at home and at times wants to go hang out with her married coworkers to have drinks, either at a local bar or there home, she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues, and has become lackluster in the intimacy side. I don’t feel she is the type to stray but am wondering if she is going through a midlife crisis or something else. She is also the most attractive girl in her office and have discovered that she is worried about her boss hiring a new younger female admin. I overheard her saying the guys in her office want to hire her because she is young and cute, and that she would just dress up more for work. She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome. I’m just worried that she might be going through a midlife crises that might get worse before it gets better. And advice of thoughts? TYIA!


Sounds like it could be worrisome.
I'd say be point blank blunt.
Say exactly how you feel and what you think about it.
Her drinking, her going out to social places to drink....where men hit on women, her hiding her phone....etc.
The big thing is this isn't how she's always been but you are indicating it is a sudden shift.
I'd say it sounds like she is starting to explore and indulge on the attention of other men and how that makes her feel.
Yeah, maybe it is nothing...but then again, maybe we'll see you on here in a bit in the "dealing with infidelity" section.

What kind of places does she go drinking? Clubs? Eateries? What kind of bars?
Do you go too sometimes?
Do you know these other women? Are they a good influence...a bad one?
Does she get drunk or does she drink responsibly?
What kind of drinker is she? Does she get flirty when drinking?
Personally, women who go out to drink for "girls night" while in relationships are almost always bad news if you ask me.

Keep up your end. 
Keep fit and healthy, dress nice and smell nice for her.
Keep courting her as if you two are still dating, taking on dates, go out and do new things together that neither of you have done before.
Be romantic. 
Give her love in her love language...whatever that is. 
Establish and enforce healthy boundaries for time and contact with opposite sex or type of activities that hurt the marriage and are selfish. 

Sex is dwindling? Not good. 
Where does that stem from? Her not in the mood, you not in the mood, both of you are equally not in the mood?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Open a facebook account, friend your wife....view/check out her photos, list of friends (or old boyfriends), and if there's any guys whose posts she frequently likes.

For her specific phone, visit the cell phone store and ask them for suggestions on how to set up their tablet to discreetly monitor a teenager's online activity, texts, and emails.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Marriage requires a conscious effort to protect it and keep it alive.

You both need to read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity. The common boundaries that were crossed as well as common risky behaviors that subjected the marriage to a high probability of infidelity. In almost every case the cheater didn't plan on cheating or strongly disapproved of cheating and thought they were in control of their feelings - until they weren't.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Saints1234 said:


> I give her attention, I do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, I understand relationships has its ups and downs but this seems different. She seems to have taken a different perspective on life the past 6 months, she seems to focus more on her job than our relationship, and I get the leftovers. I feel there is something else I’m not seeing, maybe she is worried she’ll lose here work swag when her boss hires a younger female, maybe it’s her, maybe it’s me or both of us. The biggest thing is I have asked to see her “work” cell phone that she uses as a personal cell with all her social media etc... and she won’t show it to me, and has mentioned older customers have told her she is attractive & which I expect a man in there 60’s-70’s to do. But I can’t get over the fact she won’t show it to me/be transparent with it. Also she wanted to go have drinks with her female coworker and husband at a local bar on Valentine’s Day, and has expressed that she now wants to go have fun with her coworkers “girls trip” out of towns to shop and bar hop (something she never wanted to do in the past). Last year she went to her company Christmas party and stayed overnight at a hotel with most of her colleagues, got very intoxicated which is very out of her character, and said she enjoyed partying with her coworkers because she didn’t have to worry about me or the kids. She used to criticize those who party and get drunk, but now she seems to accept it and want to partake in it (without me). It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks


I'd call veto on these out of town girls trips.
I'd make a stand on stuff like that.
How often is she going out? Do you know the women?
Are you invited? What happens if you ask to go too?
If Valentine's is something you two celebrate her going out to hang out with another husband and not you seems like a big slap and you probably should have stood up for yourself that night and gone too whether she wanted you to or not..either you both go or both stay home.
But...you may not celebrate that made up day so I don't know.
Anyway, I'd definitely nix those out of town, drinking pals, girls nights.

Sometimes you have to make a stand and risk the marriage up front to save it for down the road. You may need to make this a deal breaker issue that you do not accept.
With her weird behavior, hiding the phone (is this new?...does she do personal stuff on it?)
Hell, quitting this job might be the best thing for the marriage.
On your death bed who actually regrets not being more successful at work? No one.
Marriage is more important than any job.
Lots of people's divorces on here started with jobs and traveling for jobs and traveling out of town without the mate.

Better to make your stand up front than try to deal with divorce after an affair because some married person wanted to live single and go out all the time and travel and party.....without their mate.

Out of town drunk work parties?
That is a deal breaker for me. I'm surprised you even accepted that. The more you describe her the more an intervention needs to happen tonight. You keep saying she wants to do all this WITHOUT YOU....that is a wrong. She's crossed the line. 
Maybe you should take that phone and smash it and tell her that is what you think of hiding stuff from you. 
I think she needs to quit this job and she needs to lose all these friends. 
I think you should be more aggressive. Tell her no, on going out. Show up there is she does.....see what is going on. 

Christian lady? 
Quote her the teaching on being drunk, mates depriving themselves from one another and FLEEING EVEN THE APPEARANCE OF EVIL. 
Do not settle for all of this shady looking stuff with her feeding you it is all ok and innocent. 
Make a stand today....literally today.....04/04/2020. Do not let this go on anymore. Stand up to her hard and call a veto on all this stuff. Make it a deal breaker, make it boundary stuff you do not accept.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Saints1234 said:


> No not a stay at home dad and she says it’s company policy because she sends texts to customers about loan docs etc


Then outside of work it shouldn't ever even be used. Her own phone should be.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Saints1234 said:


> Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also the work cell phone thing is a no brainer I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me


Look dude, she is having an affair, and possible a threesome affair if she really did go out with a couple on V day. 

Further, the work phone thing is a joke. She could show all that stuff and break no laws of any kind. 

You hand her divorce papers and say give me the work phone now, or it is over. 

I understand you are in denial about all of this, but she is playing you and making a fool out of you.

Good old plan be beta boy sits at home baby sitting while she bangs he new lovers????

I mean, are you kidding. 

Do you not see what is going on under your very nose???


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Saints1234 said:


> Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go


How do you know any of this? Because your wife that is cheating told you? 

And what if her affair is with a couple and they spent the night together. Or, you don't think that there was any other male without their spouse? Or someone single? Really?

No one can believe this? You don't really believe this story do you???


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Robert22205 said:


> Open a facebook account, friend your wife....view/check out her photos, list of friends (or old boyfriends), and if there's any guys whose posts she frequently likes.
> 
> For her specific phone, visit the cell phone store and ask them for suggestions on how to set up their tablet to discreetly monitor a teenager's online activity, texts, and emails.


Either set up an account using another identity or get someone you know to friend her who will allow you to access the account. I would want to see what was on there without allowing her the opportunity to sanitize her digital world.
Also, check to see if she has an account using her maiden name.
I would also check every messaging app known to man. Get some help to access and assume another identity, as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Saints1234 said:


> Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also *the work cell phone thing is a no brainer* I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me


No it isn't. You're her husband. 

My husband works for a global company, with offices all over the world. High privacy rules. He has no issue with me using his phone.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Hmm, a lot of red flags.
Denying the phone.
Not want you with her on parties.
Want you to look after the kids.

Put a voice activated recorder in her car (VAR).
Strap it with Velcro under her seat.
Cheaters will often call to and from work their lovers.
Or in the house where she is calling often like the bedroom.
A silenced old cell phone with locator turned on as GPS tracker.

About the divorce.
You can always retract/stop it later if you got some money to burn on lawyers.
Or just print pout some papers like forms and let them lay around the computer for her to find.
If she asks, just tell her you are researching for you or a friend.

Women in their 40s and 50s are prone to cheat for lack of excitement.
You can have a good relationship with sex and they still want to cheat.
And females are good actors in bed with you.
Compartmentalization is a keyword here.

Can you put a PI on her?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just go buy a couple of voice activated recorders (swap them in and out), get some Velcro and good batteries. Attach it under the seat, etc. you’ll find out one way or the other.

you're in the betrayed spouse syndrome. Your gut is screaming at you but you’re doing everything you can to ignore it. That’s called the denial phase.

you've got more red flags waving than a commie battalion


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

Listen to your gut instinct. It's always right.


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