# Should I Contact His Wife?



## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

A little background: I'm in the end stages of a very lengthy divorce. At the end of my 15 year marriage, my H cheated on me with a fellow mom from my daughter's school. This was not the reason the marriage was ending...I filed for divorce because our marriage made no sense. I found out about the affair during a deposition during our divorce proceedings. Even though I wanted the marriage over, this was still a shock.

Fast forward 1 1/2 years...I'm legally separated and waiting for the financial part of my divorce to finally settle. My H is off dating up a storm, so I decide to respond to an email I received from a college boyfriend. We start an email friendship which quickly becomes intense. He then tells me that HIS marriage is ending, and that his wife has asked for a divorce, does not want to try and work on things...that she has "lost her love for him." He claims they have a sexless marriage. I stupidly believe him. 

Our emotional relationship continues and we decide to meet up. He claims his wife knows we are getting together and doesn't seem to be hiding anything. We spend four very romantic days together.

Over the next few months (this is long distance) we get together a few more times. We email and speak on the phone daily. We speak of love and spending our lives together. He tells me he wants to get married as soon as our divorces are over and even suggests we have children.

Then in March he confesses: His wife NEVER asked or a divorce. His wife has NEVER suggested she wanted out. In fact, there has not been talk of divorce at all. He still claims that they have a "sexless" marriage...that they hadn't had sex since Jan of 2012. He apologizes profusely for his lies, and claims he does want to leave her but doesn't know how, since they have a school aged child together. In a fit of rage I threaten to tell his wife everything. He begs me not to, claiming I'd only be hurting her and the he WILL do it. He calls me back about an hour later claiming to have done so and then tells me he "is broken" and "needs space." He requests to not have contact "for a few months." I agree, but my confusion gets the best of me and over the course of a few weeks, I send a few more emails...angry, loving, ashamed, pissed...all over the place. He always responds to my emails with lengthy loving emails promising me he is "working on himself" so that he can "fix things" and that he will come to me when he can.

Our last email exchange was a month ago. I haven't heard from him since then and he hasn't made any attempts to contact me.

For the most part I'm doing better...I know I need to move on from this man. I do go back and forth with the desire to tell his wife the truth. I doubt she really knows. I don't have any of her contact info other than a basic address for her workplace. I've thought of sending her a letter to that address telling her I'd speak with her about the affair, and provide her with email evidence if she desires. But then I think that this is just mean. And not serving anyone.

Opinions?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Wouldn't you want to be told?


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

If you want revenge then yes call his wife. He played you like a fiddle, its time to get him back. If you have the heart to do it and can sleep at night knowing what you did I do not see any harm. But In most circumstances, I would just leave the situation alone, block his email and phone number and move on to the next one.


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## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

cj9947 said:


> Wouldn't you want to be told?




Probably. As I said, My exH cheated and I found out after the fact. But our marriage was not great and it wasn't heart breaking. I was done. I wonder if this woman thinks her marriage is healthy.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

She needs to know.

Keep in mind, though, that he's now had about 2 months or more since you threatened to expose to lay the groundwork with his wife. "Honey, an old girlfriend contacted me on Facebook, and tried to start something up. I turned her down, but now she's crazy...threatening to tell you we had an affair, met up a few times, and were planning to start a life together. I guess she thinks that, if she tells you these things, you'll leave me and free me up for her. But, she's a loony toon, sweetie. You know that NOTHING could ever make me betray you. So, if she contacts you, let her spew her lies, thank her for telling you, and then go on about our lives."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Yes, tell her everything. Expect her to want proof.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Of course you tell her. He lied to you and is deceiving her. And you're probably not his first betrayal nor will be his last.

To be frank, if you don't tell her, you're every bit the deceiver he is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell her. Put him on Cheaterville.com


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Darn right I'd tell her. But yeah, she'll need proof. I wouldn't have believed what my husband was up to from some random person without proof.


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## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

Grayson said:


> She needs to know.
> 
> Keep in mind, though, that he's now had about 2 months or more since you threatened to expose to lay the groundwork with his wife. "Honey, an old girlfriend contacted me on Facebook, and tried to start something up. I turned her down, but now she's crazy...threatening to tell you we had an affair, met up a few times, and were planning to start a life together. I guess she thinks that, if she tells you these things, you'll leave me and free me up for her. But, she's a loony toon, sweetie. You know that NOTHING could ever make me betray you. So, if she contacts you, let her spew her lies, thank her for telling you, and then go on about our lives."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes, I suspect something like this has been going on. However, she MUST know something is up if she's seen his phone records (HOURS of calls) and when we got together, it always involved travel, for multiple days. I do think he probably told her something like "Poor Y, She really lost it during her terrible divorce and now she's convinced herself or friendship is a romantic thing." He really convinced me, so I'm sure he can convince her.


Should I print and send some "telling" emails if I do contact her? Or is this just mean. Has too much time passed?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course you tell her. You also ask yourself how many others has he played like he did you, and how many more will he play?

Tell her , she has a right to know,
And post him and his game on cheaterville to warn the next victims.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

It's not mean, it's proof. She needs to know. Don't send them immediately though. Just tell her what has happened, and that you have proof if she wants to see it.

You can be damn sure she will want to see it.

Then you send it.

Of course emails can be faked and altered, although when I confronted my WH with emails from his OW, he didn't accuse me of faking or altering them - he just accepted them and fessed up.


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## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Show her everything you have.


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## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

Robsia said:


> It's not mean, it's proof. She needs to know. Don't send them immediately though. Just tell her what has happened, and that you have proof if she wants to see it.
> 
> You can be damn sure she will want to see it.
> 
> ...


Were you given the emails by the OW or did you find them somewhere? Did you contact the OW? How did things turn out?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes tell her...but be kind.

She may know nothing about you or any affair...you can't believe anything her WH says... cheaters lie.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Ask yourself why you are doing it. If you are doing it out of spite, I'd say no. If you are doing it because you believe the wife needs to know, I'd say yes.

What you do has here has potential consequences for alimony and child support so make sure your motives are true.


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## fooled1 (Jun 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Darn right I'd tell her. But yeah, she'll need proof. I wouldn't have believed what my husband was up to from some random person without proof.


Tell her, gently and with proof. I would be eternally grateful if my WH's OW came forward. I would love to know the truth of our marriage whatever that is. She may suspect or she might be blindsided, but at least she would know for sure who she is married to. Bring the emails and a timeline of your encounters. 


And for Pete's sake end any contact with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StraightenUp said:


> Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


Anyone who looks up the POSOM who cheated with Chris' wife on Google finds the POSOMS's Cheateville.com listing as number 1 Google return. 

*Right above the story that praises him for being a really, really big community hero and mentor to young people. *Ooops!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

StraightenUp said:


> Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


Yes and no.

People contemplating betrayals certainly don't. But if an HR dept is looking to hire someone they probably do an internet search and if so and the person comes up on Cheaterville, they may think twice about hiring that person as they are a risk to do so.


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## StraightenUp (Jun 18, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Ask yourself why you are doing it. If you are doing it out of spite, I'd say no. If you are doing it because you believe the wife needs to know, I'd say yes.
> 
> What you do has here has potential consequences for alimony and child support so make sure your motives are true.





Yes, well...that is the thing. I am uncertain of my motives. I would prefer to exit gracefully as opposed to with a train wreck. I vascilate between feeling like disclosing the truth is "closure," and sometimes I feel like it is revenge. 

I'm not sure what you mean about the alimony and child support stuff...that isn't a factor in my case. And somehow I doubt he will get a divorce.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

As a BS, I wish I was told about my stbxh affairs. Something, ANYthing! One of his OWs spoke to me, but I could tell it was 75% crap - his eyes almost fell out of his head when I told him about the conversation and called her a liar (btw, she denied everything like he does). OW2, the one who was sending him vibrator pics, she won't talk at all, other than some weak denial that it was ever physical. Why you would be so comfortable sending VERY intimate pics without there being more to the relationship doesn't make sense to me, but there you go.

Tell her. Be kind. She either knows the rat she is married to OR this will tear her world apart. Either way, she should know. If only for her health's sake, because guaranteed, you are NOT the only one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

StraightenUp said:


> Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


Google search does and so it turns up when you search for the person!


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## fooled1 (Jun 17, 2013)

StraightenUp said:


> Yes, well...that is the thing. I am uncertain of my motives. I would prefer to exit gracefully as opposed to with a train wreck. I vascilate between feeling like disclosing the truth is "closure," and sometimes I feel like it is revenge.
> 
> I'm not sure what you mean about the alimony and child support stuff...that isn't a factor in my case. And somehow I doubt he will get a divorce.


Maybe I am naïve, but it's not really about you. At this point it's about her. You unintentionally did a very harmful thing. I think the only fault for you lay in engaging him after you knew. telling her is how you do what you can to make it right. You did not mean to have an affair, he did. I am sure it wasn't the first time and it wont be the last if he has any say in it.

It's not about closure for you or even revenge. IMO, cheaters (even unintentional ones) don't get closure - not like in a non cheating relationship. The OW/OM's closure is to do what s/he can to fix it and walk away and never ever look back. Otherwise I agree with a PP that you become part of the problem.

She needs to know so she can get tested for STDs or protect herself if she chooses to stay. She needs to be told so she can made decisions about her future knowing the truth. She needs to know so she can regain her sanity. Or maybe she knows and then you have taken a small step in restoring her faith in other people, but I wouldn't believe for even one second she knows because he told her. Cheaters lie.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

StraightenUp said:


> Were you given the emails by the OW or did you find them somewhere? Did you contact the OW? How did things turn out?


I had suspected him for months, since I caught him texting a woman he claimed was "just a friend" -yes that old chestnut.

I used to root around the house looking for evidence and in march this year it finally occurred to me to check in his office (a log cabin in the garden) one day when he was out. I found receipts for dinners for two, a house address with the name Sharon next to it and an email address beginning with "shazz".

I put two and two together.

I emailed her. She confirmed everything. She'd met him on a dating site. Said she hadn't known he was married and that it had been over since before Christmas. She said if she had known we were still together she wouldn't have touched him.

I had made the mistake of confronting him with the receipts before I got her email reply and he went white but only admitted to the meals. But when I got her reply, we emailed a few times and I asked a few questions - one of which was, had it been physical. She said yes.

I then confronted him again with the emails and he admitted it.

She didn't send me any emails from him, although I expect she would if I'd asked her, if he'd continued to deny it for whatever reason.

How did things turn out? Well, we're four months on and we're in R. It's tough, but he's trying really hard. It didn't help that just over a month ago I found out there had been another PA on the heels on the first one. That one ended in January. There were no more and there's been nothing since I found out in March, but finding out there was another he hadn't told me about was D-day all over again. Although I always had a suspicion I wasn't being told everything, and I was right.

Now I do finally think I have the truth, and he seems to be doing everything right.

I credit Sharon with everything - if she hadn't told me what she knew he would never have admitted it. It's different to your situation in that I contacted her - she didn't even know I existed. But, as you know, and she doesn't, it's up to you.

But she will want every shred of evidence you have. Even then, he may deny it, but at least you'll know you've tried.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your lover is doing everything he can to shut you down, and keep you out of his private life---the last thing in the world, that he wants to happen, is for you to talk to his wife, ABOUT ANYTHING

He hasn't told his wife, and he never will---just as he lied to you about everything, so he could have easy sex with you

I believe you said you were somewhat bothered by your H's A. even tho, you were already deep in your D proceedings---well how would you actually feel knowing your were truly deceived, and your mge was a lie, prior to any D proceedings.

Your lover's wife deserves to know, what a lowlife scumbag she has for a H.---she deserves to know, so she can make an educated decision about the rest of her life, and so that her kids won't live in a house of misery---cuz I promise you, your scumbag lover, is out pounding the pavement as you write out this thread---LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN TO CHEAT WITH


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Tell her, she 100% deserves to know. He used you big time and he'll do it to someone else if you don't make a stand. Hell send me her number and I'll call her if you don't want to do it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Yes you tell his wife. She has every right to be informed so she can make the best possible decisions for herself. She has a right to know. 

The extent of his lies makes me wonder if he does this a lot. I hope you used protection in the form of a co Dom every time with him. You may want to get yourself tested. You have no idea who else he was having sex with and if his wife is running around. Do you think she has gone without sex for that long? 

His whole story sucks. I do not believe he told her He just three you under the bus as quickly as possible when he thought you might out his lying butt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

workindad said:


> Yes you tell his wife. She has every right to be informed so she can make the best possible decisions for herself. She has a right to know.
> 
> The extent of his lies makes me wonder if he does this a lot. I hope you used protection in the form of a co Dom every time with him. You may want to get yourself tested. You have no idea who else he was having sex with and if his wife is running around. Do you think she has gone without sex for that long?
> 
> ...


Yes, this is what happened.

I could also see that his wife found out that he had been messing around, probably saw the phone logs with hours of phone conversations and hundreds of texts to you. She is probably demanding no contact...which is why your lover never initiates anymore.

Yet, he still answers you messages with the "wait a few months until I figure things out" routine. He is stringing you along until he thinks things have blown over with his wife and it's safe to resume with you. He is the classic cake eater.

First of all, stop texting and contacting this guy. Tell her, she deserves to know. And tell her that he is still stringing you along. She probably thinks he is observing no contact and that they are on the road to recovery.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StraightenUp said:


> Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


no but if they ever google his name it will pop up near the top of the search in most cases


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

shaggy said:


> google search does and so it turns up when you search for the person!





almostrecovered said:


> no but if they ever google his name it will pop up near the top of the search in most cases


Quoted for TRUTH!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My issue on this is that you got involved with him KNOWING full well he was still married. You admit to that. 

So it sounds like you're more upset he did not choose you and want revenge. Granted, I know you are upset he lied about her asking for a divorce bur this is why anytime a guy is married, you should back waaay off, regardless of where he is at in the marriage (like, at the end) because married is still married, no matter how you slice it. 

He sounds like a turd and I wouldn't have any more contact w/ him. He showed you who he is. In the future, the moment a guy says "married," end the conversation tenfold, don't go on "romantic trips" with him. 

Oh and most of them will say they have a "sexless" marriage. Meanwhile they are sleeping with their wife every night in the same bed as her and boning her constantly.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

StraightenUp said:


> Do people actually look at Cheaterville?


I have had over 4 million hits on the XOM since last year. If you google his name the first thing that comes up about him is his name and link to cheaterville.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Remember Scott and Lacy Peterson??

OW didn't know he (Scott) was married and wife was most likely clueless and was murdered along with her unborn baby.

I know it sounds extreme but what if you could prevent such a situation?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> Stop trying to destroy a family!


The family is already destroyed, by the husband's actions. The wife just doesn't know it yet.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> Stop trying to destroy a family!
> 
> If this guy wants to be truthful to his wife, than that is on him.


Yeah, stop trying to destroy a family. This woman should find out the hard way about her cheating husband, like when she falls ill, goes to the doctor and discovers she is HIV positive.

How dare you try to warn her. That's very selfish.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

This guy is just as guilty. But why do you applaud and give alkaloids to this lady who knew very well that she was sleeping with a married man? Is it because you would gladly do the same in a similar situation or maybe even have already done it yourself?

It sounds like there was no adultery before this affair came along...yes, the guy was flirting where he ought not to and dug a hole for himself; which is his hole to get out of. But I say, "Shame on this women for sleeping with a married man." I will give no praise to the adulterous women for what she has done. For those who say otherwise, are to be shamed themselves!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> This guy is just as guilty. But why do you applaud and give alkaloids to this lady who knew very well that she was sleeping with a married man? Is it because you would gladly do the same in a similar situation or maybe even have already done it yourself?
> 
> It sounds like there was no adultery before this affair came along...yes, the guy was flirting where he ought not to and dug a hole for himself; which is his hole to get out of. But I say, "Shame on this women for sleeping with a married man." I will give no praise to the adulterous women for what she has done. For those who say otherwise, are to be shamed themselves!


Who gave her alkaloids?

And don't be so eager with the judging stuff. Apparently God is not keen on that. Just thought you'd like to know...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Here's a thought I hope and trust will be shot down if it is not a helpful one. Send her a letter. With enough truth that she will know that it is the truth but without telling her about yourself. This is not about you. Offer enough truth that she can make her own decisions and further communication if wants it, still preserving your anonymity.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> This guy is just as guilty. But why do you applaud and give alkaloids to this lady who knew very well that she was sleeping with a married man? Is it because you would gladly do the same in a similar situation or maybe even have already done it yourself?
> 
> It sounds like there was no adultery before this affair came along...yes, the guy was flirting where he ought not to and dug a hole for himself; which is his hole to get out of. But I say, "Shame on this women for sleeping with a married man." I will give no praise to the adulterous women for what she has done. For those who say otherwise, are to be shamed themselves!


The title of this thread is "Should I Contact His Wife?"

Most of us who have been the BS say yes, because it is something WE would have wanted to know, instead of living a lie, and having our health and lives put at risk.

I don't believe ANYONE is giving this woman accolades (I'm assuming that what "alkaloids" is supposed to be). I have NO respect for what OW do, but in the cheating game, lies abound, and many people unwittingly become the OW/OM. In this particular instance, the OP knew the guy was married, but like most cheaters, their marriages are always just a hairs breadth away from divorce (which is usually news to the faithful spouse at home). 

That being said, if she were smart, she should've told him to come back when the ink was dry on the divorce papers, but she didn't. So... now she asks if she should expose the affair to the BS. 

I don't know what the intent is of the OP, but if she's doing it with the intent to nab him in the event his wife leaves him, then she is frakkin' idiot and deserves him and whatever crap he puts her through (if they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you). But if there really is a sense of remorse and wanting to make things right as best she can, as a BS, ABSOLUTELY, 100% the wife ought to know. 

I wish someone would have told me, because those are years I WASTED and will NEVER get back.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

StraightenUp said:


> Yes, well...that is the thing. I am uncertain of my motives. I would prefer to exit gracefully as opposed to with a train wreck. I vascilate between feeling like disclosing the truth is "closure," and sometimes I feel like it is revenge.


SU you know why you're wanting to tell his wife. Despite what folks say about him deceiving you, you knew what you were getting into and the odds going in. Be honest. The boy was married the whole time and you "believed" what he was saying because he was laying a path you were eager to follow. If you really felt the wife should know, you'd made sure that was taken care of before the 4 day "romantic" getaway. On the bright side, he probably wasn't lying about a sexless marriage. Only you can decide whether you want to exit the train after a fun trip or engineer it into a wreck.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Gee, I always love it when my posts get deleted by a moderator for no reason. I originally posted in this thread, sharing valuable and keen insight against someone who has slept with a married man, full knowing that he was a married man. My post was censored, because the moderator did not agree with my standpoint or views. So...as long as my views are in agreement with the moderator, they can remain, but if my views differ than that of the moderators, they get erased. Isn't that called a monarchy forum.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Gee, I always love it when my posts get deleted by a moderator for no reason. I originally posted in this thread, sharing valuable and keen insight against someone who has slept with a married man, full knowing that he was a married man. *My post was censored, because the moderator did not agree with my standpoint or views*. So...as long as my views are in agreement with the moderator, they can remain, but if my views differ than that of the moderators, they get erased. Isn't that called a monarchy forum.


Highly doubt it. Surely you didn't post within guidelines.

ETA
I didn't read you post BTW, it's just a mere observation. I've never seen mods deleting posts just becasue the don't agreed with the contect in my last 3 years here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Gee, I always love it when my posts get deleted by a moderator for no reason. I originally posted in this thread, sharing valuable and keen insight against someone who has slept with a married man, full knowing that he was a married man. My post was censored, because the moderator did not agree with my standpoint or views. So...as long as my views are in agreement with the moderator, they can remain, but if my views differ than that of the moderators, they get erased. *Isn't that called a monarchy forum*.


Yes. It is. *And they were right*. It is a monarchy, *not* a democracy. (Why? Because the person who owns a private forum gets to make the rules.)

Your post was of dubious value and your insight less than keen.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Okay, here is some sound advice for the poster of this thread. You want to do what is right? You want to make things right in your own sight? Do you want to rid yourself of your guilt? You need to go to this husband's wife directly and tell her of your actions and apologize and ask for forgiveness. She is in her right not to forgive, but it would do her well to forgive. However, by allowing yourself to be open and honest, you will not only rid yourself of this guilt you have hovering over you, but you will humble your character and make you stronger. Don't hide from this, but expose it and come clean. Go to the wife! That is the best I can give you, if you are still on this forum, reading these answers.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

I say do it, I was in a similar situation earlier in the year but it was a casual thing not a relationship. 
I went to his wife, it did not go how I thought it would go. I felt better knowing that I had done the right thing by this woman.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Unaware said:


> I say do it, I was in a similar situation earlier in the year but it was a casual thing not a relationship.
> I went to his wife, it did not go how I thought it would go. I felt better knowing that I had done the right thing by this woman.


Awesome words! Great advice from someone that has been down this road...even recently. Understandable that it did not go as expected or hoped, but you felt good inside that this was the right way in which to go and I am sure a lot has been taken off your chest. Good for you my dear lady...good for you.

I hope "StraightenUp" logs back into this forum and reads this.


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