# Why are my relatives doing this to me?



## problemgirl (Mar 19, 2013)

I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Khan who supported Stalin (I am a Russian married to an American). They have no problem raising this issue even at family Christmas dinners. My husband thinks it's OK and calls me confrontational every time I tried to voice my objections to such insensitivity. Our disagreement on this subject puts strain on our relationship and I don't know how I can find a peace of mind. Please help.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I got nothing, the same can be said about my Viking ancestors. Contrary to belief, not all of us were looters and pillagers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

problemgirl said:


> I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Khan who supported Stalin (I am a Russian married to an American). They have no problem raising this issue even at family Christmas dinners. My husband thinks it's OK and calls me confrontational every time I tried to voice my objections to such insensitivity. Our disagreement on this subject puts strain on our relationship and I don't know how I can find a peace of mind. Please help.


Are your husband's relatives unhappy that he married you? If they are, you aren't going to change their mind. Do they have memories of The Cold War or Stalin's policies? If they do, they aren't going to change their mind.

When they bring it up, change the subject. Your husband's okay with it so he's not going to have your back on this. It will be up to you to defuse the situation. Smile and talk about the food.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Do you know what the difference is between Inlaws and outlaws is 

Outlaws ARE wanted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

problemgirl said:


> I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Khan who supported Stalin (I am a Russian married to an American). They have no problem raising this issue even at family Christmas dinners. My husband thinks it's OK and calls me confrontational every time I tried to voice my objections to such insensitivity. Our disagreement on this subject puts strain on our relationship and I don't know how I can find a peace of mind. Please help.


Pffft. Not only are they mean - they're stupid. Genghis Khan was Mongolian. Russians - depends on where they are from because it is a polyglot of indigenous peoples vs European mixes etc. Over a hundred different ethnicities. 

Stalin died more than half a century ago, in an era when he was our fricking ALLY in defeating the Axis powers in WWII. But these people aren't interested in history. 

What they're interested in doing is putting you down. They know it bothers you, so that's why they do it. Your husband is being a jerk of the first magnitude, and I would be leveling consequences upon him: you support me or I am out of here. 

It is incumbent upon a man marrying a foreign wife not just to support her but to become familiar with her country's history, her culture, her extended family - I knew more about my wife's history than she did. (Philippines). I had already spent years immersed in her culture, and showing deference to that got the panties off real quick. I moved in with her family for three months when we first met and boy was that a GREAT time. 

A lot of these Americans are arrogant and stupid about their foreign wife. They meet them on the internet, see them once because that's what immigration requires, then immigrate them with the expectation that it is the woman who should do all of the adjusting and show how she thinks America is so perfect vs where they come from which is all backwards and stupid.

They get what they deserve, which is their wife leaving them for a decent man after they get their green card. 

I'm guessing you came in on a K-1 visa. Or was it K-3? Have you adjusted status yet?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

The only people who really "support" a dictator are his close staff who enjoy the good life because of the regime change. Everyone else just tries to endures them, and toe the party line enough not to get sent to death camps/"re-education."

While counter-productive, and this is mostly tongue-in-cheek, you could always fight fire with fire and comment about Americans killing all the First Nations people. If that wasn't brutal, I'm not even sure what qualifies.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Stalin died more than half a century ago, in an era when he was our fricking ALLY in defeating the Axis powers in WWII.


Yes. 

And ask them who they would be now without the *27 million Russians* that died in WWII defending against Hitler's attempt to take over the world.

Or maybe ask your American relatives about how this country was founded on slavery and our original Constitution considered black people worth 3/5th of a white person.

Or just laugh and keep eating your dinner. Buy them all history books for Christmas.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The great thing about Christmas is it only comes once a year. His family has quirks and undesirable traits like every other family. Luckily, this one is just based on ignorance and can be cured. Very likely, other than yourself they've never met a Russian and wouldn't recognize a communist if one screwed an AK-47 in their ear. My saintly grandmother never used bad language but she was 12 years old before she learned "damnedyankee" was actually two words. Her opinion was based solely on crap she'd heard. She had never even met a Northerner. 
People love to talk and it's not necessary that they actually know what they're talking about. You are in a great position to show by your friendly, loving demeanor that they are wrong and Russians are like everyone else. They have dysfunctional families, crappy jobs, leaky faucets, disobedient kids, pregnant cats, and they can't eat Christmas dinner without a bunch of drama, either. I'm an American and proud of it. I adore my people but most of us know doodley-squat about history or geography and our manners aren't always the greatest. We gave the world "Honey Boo Boo". 'nuff said. Remember your new home is inhabited by the descendants of people who were kicked out of every other country. Pass the pumpkin pie, please.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> The great thing about Christmas is it only comes once a year. His family has quirks and undesirable traits like every other family. Luckily, this one is just based on ignorance and can be cured. Very likely, other than yourself they've never met a Russian and wouldn't recognize a communist if one screwed an AK-47 in their ear. My saintly grandmother never used bad language but she was 12 years old before she learned "damnedyankee" was actually two words. Her opinion was based solely on crap she'd heard. She had never even met a Northerner.
> People love to talk and it's not necessary that they actually know what they're talking about. You are in a great position to show by your friendly, loving demeanor that they are wrong and Russians are like everyone else. They have dysfunctional families, crappy jobs, leaky faucets, disobedient kids, pregnant cats, and they can't eat Christmas dinner without a bunch of drama, either. I'm an American and proud of it. I adore my people but most of us know doodley-squat about history or geography and our manners aren't always the greatest. We gave the world "Honey Boo Boo". 'nuff said. Remember your new home is inhabited by the descendants of people who were kicked out of every other country. Pass the pumpkin pie, please.


Not to be overly political, all you have to do is look at our elected "Leaders"


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Have you considered printing up the two pieces of history they are trying to use against you and slapping the truth on the table between you and them them smiling sweetly and walking away without a word said.

That's what I would do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody wins by arguing with drunks, druggies, crazy people, or in-laws.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

problemgirl said:


> I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Khan who supported Stalin (I am a Russian married to an American). They have no problem raising this issue even at family Christmas dinners. My husband thinks it's OK and calls me confrontational every time I tried to voice my objections to such insensitivity. Our disagreement on this subject puts strain on our relationship and I don't know how I can find a peace of mind. Please help.


It's sad your husband doesn't stick up for you. Honestly knew of a situation _somewhat _similiar with an interracial couple. The husband's family would always make bigoted and racist comments/jokes regarding the wife's race with her present and the husband would laugh right along with them or accuse her of being "too sensitive" when she objected or was angry at him for not defending her and putting a stop to it. Eventually it just led her to divorce him. Not exactly the same as your situation but I can see similarities.

Can you avoid his family?? I'd just refuse to be around them if they're going to act like that. I'd also give your husband an earful about standing up for his woman.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Eventually it just led her to divorce him. Not exactly the same as your situation but I can see similarities.


The similarity is that they are telling her she isn't good enough for them. 

When the truth is they are not good enough for her.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Next time you're at dinner with hubby's family and someone refers to your ancestors as "brutal descendents" grab a large kitchen knife, jump up on the table, swing around and around and say "Ok, who is going to be the next one to talk about my brutal relatives?!"


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

problemgirl said:


> I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that *Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Kha*n..


^^This is false. Apparently they don't even know or understand classical history.

Next time he tells you that foolishness,
Tell him that the same can be said of India , China, Afghanistan and many other territories.
The The Mughal Empire stretched far and wide, covering over 3 million sq kilometers , and had over 150 million subjects.
It was the largest empire ever, in history.

Simply ask him to prove that his bloodline is not part of that empire and watch him make a fool of himself.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

problemgirl said:


> I get easily upset when some of my relatives say that Russians are brutal descendants of Gengis Khan who supported Stalin (I am a Russian married to an American). They have no problem raising this issue even at family Christmas dinners. My husband thinks it's OK and calls me confrontational every time I tried to voice my objections to such insensitivity. Our disagreement on this subject puts strain on our relationship and I don't know how I can find a peace of mind. Please help.


Why are they even talking about this? I am very political, talk politics - and history - all the time and never talk about this. I agree with the others that say they are directing this towards you. Ignore them, they are not worth it. BTW - wait till you have a baby, he/she will be part Russian.........


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Are you sure they are trying to be hurtful?

I make jokes like this all the time, im only joking!

Is it possible you are being too sensitive?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

norajane said:


> And ask them who they would be now without the *27 million Russians* that died in WWII defending against Hitler's attempt to take over the world.


Then raped everything with a pulse in Berlin when it fell. They're still Russians after all (no offense, OP).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe for Christmas they should get a National Geographic DVD on the history of the Russian people.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

JJG said:


> I make jokes like this all the time, im only joking!


Me too. Then I found out that's a big part of what caused my wife to walk-away...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just say, "Great squash. Y'all got that from the Indians. Where are they? They used to own this land your home is on." "Great okra! Y'all got that from your slaves. How many did your family own? What's that you were saying about Russians, again? Please pass the potatoes. "Y'all got those from the Irish you housed in slums and used for cannon fodder in your Civil war. I do love that stir fry! That came from the Chinese you basically used as slave labor building your railroads." I'm sorry, you were talking about Russians, please go on.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MrK said:


> Then raped everything with a pulse in Berlin when it fell. They're still Russians after all (no offense, OP).


Thank you for that excellent example of denying what you are doing while in the middle of doing it. 

More commonly the denial is at the beginning, eg "no offense...[followed by offensive statement]".

Raped everything with a pulse? Gosh, that isn't just highly offensive but an outright lie. 

The people who use the humor excuse - humor is that which is funny to the _listener_. The abuser thinks insulting people is humor. 

That's why wives leave them.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Wiserforit said:


> Raped everything with a pulse? Gosh, that isn't just highly offensive but an outright lie.
> 
> The abuser thinks insulting people is humor.
> 
> That's why wives leave them.


I know why my wife left me, thank you.

And sorry for the exaggeration, but you know how we abusers are.

"During, and in the days immediately following the assault,[123][126] in many areas of the city, vengeful Soviet troops (often rear echelon units[127]) engaged in mass rape, pillage and murder,"

Battle of Berlin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MrK said:


> I know why my wife left me, thank you.
> 
> And sorry for the exaggeration, but you know how we abusers are.


You sure are showing us. You found a victim already down and continue to kick her.

Such a brave man.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Don't feel bad OP, my family acted as if I had rescued my husband from the 3rd world country of ENGLAND...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Wiserforit said:


> You sure are showing us. You found a victim already down and continue to kick her.
> 
> Such a brave man.


I was just clarifying a historical inaccuracy. But good luck in your crusade to point out the inner abuser in everyone. You might want to get that looked at.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Sounds like it happened quite frequently. 

Have you ever thought that they keep doing it because you keep arguing? maybe they think it's funny to wind you up? 

Some time "whatever" is the best answer to everything they say. It may just shut them off. When you don't argue they have nothing to continue on.

Is it worth fighting with your husband because of your relatives' a lack of knowledge? I would just laughed it off and say in my head "you guys don't know s**t"


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

She should not be engaging them on this issue. The advice that she should develop some snappy comeback is bad advice. That's just playing into their game.

It is her husband's job to handle this--period.

Here is how I would handle it if I was in her situation:

1) Inform your husband *before you arrive* that if his relatives insult you, you expected him to put an immediate stop to it. Don't get into a debate or discuss the issue; just lay it out there and then shut up about it.

2) The first time someone insults you, turn to your husband and say "Do you recall what we discussed in the car?" 

3) If he doesn't put an immediate stop to it, *calmly say* "I'm not going to sit here and be insulted; good night everyone." Then, walk outside, get in your car, and drive home. Don't say anything else; don't ask your husband to come with you; just leave.

And, keep doing it. Every time his relatives insult you, just leave and go home. 

PS

Bring your own set of car keys so you don't have to ask your husband for his.

And, let your husband find his own way home.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> She should not be engaging them on this issue. The advice that she should develop some snappy comeback is bad advice. That's just playing into their game.


Right. She'll be bullied. We have someone volunteering examples right here:


*Mr. K*-



> I was just clarifying a historical inaccuracy.


Thank you for that example in minimization. The word "just" is the minimizer, and everyone can see that you are practicing the abuse that is the subject of the OP.

[


> But good luck in your crusade to point out the inner abuser in everyone. You might want to get that looked at.


This is a weak attempt at shaming. Usually it is children who respond in this way. When their bad behavior is pointed out then their response is that you "always" criticize me or you criticize "everyone".

Capped off with pretending the target is crazy, needing clinical help. 

That's why this man's wife left him.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Personally, if i make jokes about someone it means i like them and i feel comfortable enough with them to poke fun. The jokes are always said with a smile and are aimed to get a laugh from the subject themselves.

Then again i am not a sensetive person, and i do not surround myself with sensetive people. Plus i wont do it until i know you quite well.

What im trying to say is, is it possible that their 'jokes' are their way of showing you are accepted/liked? Therefore they feel comfortable enough to poke fun at you? Do they do this to other family members as well?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Not liking to be the extra "roast" on family get togethers doesn't make you "sensitive." People make racist jokes all the time "with a smile" that doesn't make them less hurtful or magically more funny. 

Even giving a shadow of a doubt that they are joking, they should be respectful enough when the OP has clearly objected to the "jokes" to stop it.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Just offering another perspective. Thats what these forums are for.


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