# Divorce over Employment



## unknownusername (Mar 22, 2016)

I apologize for this lengthy post. I have been married for over ten years and have three children. We have had many rough patches as to be expected, and I admit most of the issues are due to myself. 

That said, my wife has hated her job for some time, but she is the primary breadwinner and her income is needed more than my own (though mine is certainly also needed). Inexplicably, she has turned down other jobs to stay with that company despite her disdain for them. I work for the state government, I get paid very well, and in several years I will be making as much as she is now. We also utilize my health and dental benefits as they are better than what she is offered.

Last night she sprung up the question if I would be willing to move if she found employment in another state. This would mean of course losing my job that took years to obtain and me having to start from nothing. Due to it being a government job I can not simply transfer. Most states have residency requirements (typically a year in state) before I could apply and even then there are no guarantees I would obtain new employment in my field. She said if I was not willing to discuss this option then I am basically agreeing to a divorce. Which of course is not something I ever wanted nor expected. I was willing to discuss, but when I stated I did not to lose my job she became irate. I feel like I am being forced to side with her even though I do not feel it is the right course for our family.

I am at a loss right now. I understand how much she dislikes her job and I know she wants to start again in another area with another job and admittedly there are far more opportunities in other states. However, I finally have a career that I enjoy, that I have busted my butt to get to the position I am at now, and I am basically forced to choose from having to resign to save the family or keep my job and have no one.

She certainly has sacrificed before, when I was in the military with relocations and me being deployed. For me though that was a means to an end and we both knew it was temporary. I want to be supportive, I do not want to be selfish. I just do not know what to do. What if we move and she hates that job? I will not have a job for us to fall back on. At least not one worthwhile for the time being. What if we move and a month goes past and she decides she still wants to divorce? Then I will have no family or a job. It is such a risk and I wish she could understand that. 

Please help. I am at such a loss and hurt so badly that it came to this point. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but I never thought I'd be in this position.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Are your skills portable to the private sector? What skill sets are we talking about?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

unknownusername said:


> Please help. I am at such a loss and hurt so badly that it came to this point. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but I never thought I'd be in this position.


Ditto what John asked.

This sounds like a cautionary tale of entering into a career that is dependent on your employer rather than your own skills. This rarely works out in for the long term in the 21st century. 

Jobs like this are at the mercy of political changes, state budget crisis', and even just fall afoul of an jackhole boss. Sooner or later one of these things happen and a job change is more or less inevitable in the long run. 

And don't forget, the longer you are around the more you cost them, and if someone at entry level can do your job well enough, well......


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Was she asking you to discuss it or agree to it? Sounds she was asking for you to discuss and you said "No" by saying you did not want to lose your job. You made an emotional decision, not a logical decision. 

She wants to move out of state, right? Ok, then she AND you sit down and try to come up with plan to make it work, including all the sacrifices that will have to be made by ALL FIVE of you during your temporary or permanently lower salary. And you need to factor in health care costs, dental benefits, and the loss of your state pension. And relocation costs, although I am assuming her new company will pay those. But also weigh the non-financials too. Are the schools better, more parks, lower housing costs.

If you know how to use spreadsheets, get out Excel and start crunching the numbers. 

I assume this will be higher salary move for her, so that will help lessen the blow. If not at least 15-20%, I would be hesitant to move. 

Are you, ego wise, willing to accept another job at a lower pay than you are now and lower than your wife?

If you move and she hates her new job, which could be very possible and maybe likely, then she just has to suck it up and deal with it. But of course you will have to deal with it too. 

You need to determine, quietly if possible, if your wife's hatred of her job is related to her personality. In which case, the same problems will follow her to the new job.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Ditto what John asked.
> 
> This sounds like a cautionary tale of entering into a career that is dependent on your employer rather than your own skills. This rarely works out in for the long term in the 21st century.
> 
> ...


True, but if he is a civil servant then seniority may offer protection from cuts that would first affect the last hired and probably lower paid. Depends on how he is classified.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she is giving you an ultimatum (it sounds like a very unreasonable one, too!), call her bluff. If it isn't a bluff, let her go if it means so much that she want to jeopardize your future income where you may never have equivalent prospects if you move. Of course, that depends on what you do and how portable your skills.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There are underlying problems if she is saying she will D if you do not move. Seat down with she and talk about what the real problem is. Then go from there.


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## unknownusername (Mar 22, 2016)

Thank you for all the replies! Some things I will clarify (though I'd rather not list my actual employment). No one in my field has ever been laid off and I do have seniority. It pays very well. My wife has always made more than I, but I have always had better benefits. That said I am in a very well paid position, she just makes more, and my ego doesn't mind at all! She works harder and deserves every bit of what she gets paid!

I will agree I should not have been so dismissive at first about moving. I should be clear that I would never take my job over my family. Ever. I just worry she is making a bad decision that could cost us. If she would divorce me for stating I do not want to move, I feel like divorce is something she has certainly been thinking about for much longer. I honestly doubt employment is the reason, but rather an excuse for her to leave and give her an "out." Then again I could have this completely wrong....


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sounds like someone pushed her crazy button and you reacted to it. Rookie mistake. A better response would have been to just listen to her concerns about her job and validate them, and then talk about the options available. The goal would be to work through this together in whatever means is best for your family. 

When my XWW was working at a place she hated and she told me she wanted to quit we sat down, discussed the pros/cons, looked at our finances and discussed how they would have to change. Once we both saw the sacrifices we would have to make and that if we were more frugal we'd be OK financially, we both agreed that she could quit and she did shortly after with my full support.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

unknownusername said:


> If she would divorce me for stating I do not want to move, I feel like divorce is something she has certainly been thinking about for much longer. I honestly doubt employment is the reason, but rather an excuse for her to leave and give her an "out." Then again I could have this completely wrong....


If you think there are underlying problems in your marriage and she might be looking for a way out, don't give up your financial independence by quitting your job.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

The thing that had my alarms going off was the mention of divorce before she tried to sell the move on you, Is there some guy from her workplace or friends circle that has moved to the area she wants? Why move when she can change jobs first to see if she will feel any differently and how is the employment market out there? all these things she has to win you over on not threaten divorce if she wont talk tell her to leave for there anytime she wants.


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

john117 said:


> Are your skills portable to the private sector? What skill sets are we talking about?


As someone that has been in a similar situation.... those skills probably are; however, not knowing how long he has been in the role he's in, loosing that state retirement is a big blow when you invest all that time and training. I haven't found too many private sector jobs that equal that.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

If she wants the job that bad, let her move there and take it. Stay where you are for now in your secure job.
Lots of couples deal with a temporary separation. See how she goes in the new role. On your visits, spend time networking to see what options for employment there may be for you in the new location. If there is an issue with your marriage, it will rise during the separation. If she divorces you, then you still have your secure job.

I'd be very concerned about her mentioning divorce to you at this time. Do not give up your job in the hopes it will save your marriage.

Good luck.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Sounds like someone pushed her crazy button and you reacted to it. Rookie mistake.


Yep.



> I just worry she is making a bad decision that could cost us. If she would divorce me for stating I do not want to move, I feel like divorce is something she has certainly been thinking about for much longer.


Yep, yep. You are being completely reasonable about all this.


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## unknownusername (Mar 22, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Sounds like someone pushed her crazy button and you reacted to it. Rookie mistake.


Can't agree enough there. 12 years together and I still haven't learned! Well I really appreciate all the advice. I am going to attempt to talk to her again when I get home from work and (if she will speak to me) do as others have said and have her show me exactly what she has planned with moving and everything. I know she has a job in mind and I will see if its even a feasible option. Honestly I overreacted by jumping the gun and saying "No," but if divorce was not mentioned I can't imagine our "conversation" would have escalated as it did. I feel as if her mind is made up already but I can't give up on us


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I would assume that if she wants a divorce and you share custody, then she cannot take the kids out of state and move. So the kids will have to stay in same state. She can move to another state, but not with the kids.

So her threat of divorce is weaken, as that means she gives up the kids if she moves out of state. And she pays child support, as the kids will be 100% in state.

Posters more knowledgeable than me can correct the errors here, if any.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unknownusername said:


> I apologize for this lengthy post. I have been married for over ten years and have three children. We have had many rough patches as to be expected, and I admit most of the issues are due to myself.
> 
> That said, my wife has hated her job for some time, but she is the primary breadwinner and her income is needed more than my own (though mine is certainly also needed). Inexplicably, she has turned down other jobs to stay with that company despite her disdain for them. I work for the state government, I get paid very well, and in several years I will be making as much as she is now. We also utilize my health and dental benefits as they are better than what she is offered.
> 
> ...


I'd first point out that, unless the disparity between your two incomes is just HUGE, the intangible income that you bring to the table in terms of health insurance and associated benefits likely goes a long way toward closing the gap between your two incomes.

And, if your retirement benefits are similarly better than hers, that does even more to bridge the gap.

All of that has to be taken into consideration when determining who makes more than who.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I hate ultimatums. It’s basically saying “if you do not do as I say then I am leaving and I don’t care how you feel about it.” In my opinion, the fact that she gave you an ultimatum over a job is pretty selfish. I would call her bluff, give her the 180, tell her have fun moving on her own and good luck at her new job because you want to further your career. If you will make as much money as her in a few years and it’s a well-paying, government job with good benefits then no don’t quit because she hates her job! Either she will stick it out for a few more years until you get your raises and she can find a new job then…she will find a new job now while still employed…or she will move and leave you behind without compromise. She isn’t thinking about your needs and your feelings right now and if she leaves then let her. Chances are she was thinking about it anyway for some other reason. If you give in and do this then it will make her feel like she has absolute control of the relationship when in fact it should be compromise. Do not compare this situation with deployment…she knew what she was getting herself into when you were in the military and it was to be expected. But this is unexpected and like you said, not temporary like a deployment. She should have been looking for another job while still working there instead of driving herself at her wits end.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd first point out that, unless the disparity between your two incomes is just HUGE, the intangible income that you bring to the table in terms of health insurance and associated benefits likely goes a long way toward closing the gap between your two incomes.
> 
> And, if your retirement benefits are similarly better than hers, that does even more to bridge the gap.
> 
> All of that has to be taken into consideration when determining who makes more than who.


Add too the intangible that his job is more secure. She might be laid off after a year.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I suspect your wife has a lot of resentment. You said that you know she hates her job so I assume it's come up before. What has been your reaction? Have you discussed options for her to get into a position she enjoys more? 

She may, as the primary breadwinner, feel a lot of pressure to keep this job. Throwing out a divorce threat tells me she's unhappy all around and probably doesn't see you as a partner. 

This will be made worse if she knows you like your job but feels pressure to keep her job because you don't make enough for her to look for another option. 

There has to be a solution to this that doesn't involve you leaving your job and moving out of state. When you're really overwhelmed you can think the answer is to just pack up and leave, but often there are less extreme solutions. 

What have you guys done to address her job unhappiness? Have you discussed options? 

How would you rate your marriage in general? How would your wife rate your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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