# Caught in the Middle



## Bevery1972 (Feb 2, 2013)

I am 40 years old and the mother of 3 teen boys. I married and had them fairly young. My marriage ended abruptly when my youngest son was 7 months old. I later got divorced and vowed to never ever get married again. I raised my boys on my own—just the four of us.

One day about 2 years ago, I met the man of my dreams. He had never been married never had any children. We hit it off really well. It felt so good to be in the company of man for a change. Ever since I had my boys, I’ve been the mentor, mediator, motivator, the cook, the gardener, the chauffer, and everything else you can imagine. I was good and ready to enjoy another chapter in my life. He was easy to talk to and was very interested in my well being. He complimented me and likewise I did him. We went on mini weekend trips, went to dances, political events, theater, museums, candle light dinners, pool parties, backyard bbqs and etc. We had such a good time together—I never had so much fun in the company of the opposite sex. We fell in love, he asked me to marry him. We got married this past August. 

He moved into my house that I share with my three sons. It just made since because I have a mortgage and he was renting an apartment. The second month that we were all under the same roof, my husband began to talk about changing some things. He said that my boys were lazy, wasting my money on cell phone usages, expensive food, expensive clothes and tech gadgets. We had a family meeting where he said that we all would be put on a budget to stop reckless spending. A month later, my husband handed the boys there allowance which was barely enough for three days of lunch money. I asked my husband to let me handle it. He says no, I spoiled them and some changes need to be made. 

A few weeks later my husband asks my 13 year old to take the trash out before going to school. He ran out the house rushing to catch the bus and forgot all about the trash. When my husband got home from work he approached my son about it. Then my 17 year old didn’t like the way my husband was talking to his little brother, so he confronted him. My 17 year old told my husband to do it himself and if he kept bugging them, he would throw him out the house. 

My husband argued back and forth and then at this point all three of my boys were in an argument with him. My husband storms out the house to work the next morning. I leave shortly behind him. When he gets home from work that day he can’t get into the house because the boys bar-ed the front door with a chair. My husband walked around the house to the back door in an attempt to get in. He discovers that all of his expensive suites, shirts, slacks and every piece of clothing he owned including underwear & socks was laying out on the back lawn. He was furious. He called me to come home right away. My boys sat in the window laughing and calling him names. That day my husband said that he couldn’t take it and he was picking up his things and moving out. 

I thought this would only last a day or two. It’s been two months now. I cry every night because I miss my husband. I didn’t realize that blending a family would be so difficult. I agree my boys were a little hard on him, but he was hard on them too. I thought things would adjust and balance out quickly. Now I am by myself again. We are newlyweds and should not be separated. My husband refuses to come back to the house. If I want to see him or share intimacy with him, I have to go to his apartment. We are supposed to be a family but I feel torn between my boys and my husband. I don’t know how to handle this situation. There is no book that gives instructions on how to deal wit this. I need help badly. I love my children but I love my husband also. My boys try to comfort me by saying he was not right for me and I can do better. They don’t see him they way I do. Please help me with some good advice. I don’t know what to do.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are books on step parenting. Your husband went about this all wrong. And your boys were, well creative. 

How well did your sons know your husband before you married him?


----------



## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

WOW! I read your post very carefully. It sounds like you like spent time and got to know your husband, but I didn't see you mention anything about your children bonding with him. This is a very important step before blending families. Did they spend time together before you got married? Did they go out together once a week, talk or anything like that? 

To me it seems like your children viewed him as an intruder. Children especially boys can be very protective of their mother. I think your husband made a mistake by coming in and trying to change things right away. He should have stepped back and watched for a while. The fact that he was there, they were already dealing with change.

I don't agree with what they did in throwing his clothes out. Children need to be taught how to respect others and the property of others. 

I think the best thing to do is, think about what you would like to see happen at this point and think about what needs to happen to make your desires happen. I think the first step should be for your husband to start working on a relationship with your children. Sounds like they didn't know each other or have a clear understanding on what the expectations were before the marriage. 

You and your husband need to read books on parenting and step parenting. Although no two situations are exactly alike, I think you will find something that is close to meet your needs. Best wishes to you....I hope it works out.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess its time to sell the boys ipod, xbox, bikes, skateboards and head phone to make up the sublimental income you lost when you husband bailed.

Just saying if you can't have good things then why should the boys? So as the boys sit in their rooms crying they just might get a clue on how selfish they were.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So not even the older boy came up to you and asked you what was wrong???? Sound like they have a little of their father in them!


----------



## Nicky2323 (Jan 24, 2013)

You are in a difficult situation. Sounds like you all need to sit down and have a meeting. Expectations need to be set. Did you establish rules before you got married and he moved into the house?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

As a man who can relate to this oh so seriously relate to this.... your husband dodged a serious bullet.


----------



## Bevery1972 (Feb 2, 2013)

My husband was so busy wining and dining me, we didn't include the boys in on most of our activities. He would come over once and a while for dinner and to watch movies. I regret that we didnt do more together as a blending family.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You and your husband did make a huge mistake by not taking your sons into consideration. Is he willing now to try to work on this with the boys?

Your oldest will be 18 soon enough.What are his plans once he's 18? Is he staying in your house? Going to college? Etc?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> As a man who can relate to this oh so seriously relate to this.... your husband dodged a serious bullet.


Her husband seems to think that he has the right to come into the lives of her sons and start making rules, etc with no conceration for the fact that they did not chose him, he's not their father, etc. He did not even respect his wife in that he seems to have made decisions without her input and then told HER sons and her how they would live from there on out. He has no idea what step parenting is about. These are not his children to boss around.


----------



## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

I haven't read anyone else's response yet, but it seems to me your husband wants to come in and set new rules and immediately be the boss of the household. Everyone knows you can't do that. Not with teenagers, especially boys. You all have an established way of living, and who is he to barge in and change everything so soon? it takes time to gain trust, and it doesn't seem like your husband has taken the time to make the boys like him first before he starts laying down the law. 

I actually laughed when I read how your boys treated him, because to be honest I would've done the same thing to him too, lol. I really want to hug your boys right now for it, but on a different note, I do see some of what your hubby is trying to attempt, but he should leave that up to you. He is not their father. 

I am surprised he's able to stay away from you that long over it. Especially as newlyweds. wtf.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bevery1972,

When your husband decided to change rules like the amount of allowance, money spent, etc, did he work with you and get your agreement ahead of time? Or did he do this unilaterally?


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

It takes a special person to take on a relationship with a single parent. No matter how much they love their new partner they were a parent first and that must be taken into acount early in the building of the relationship.

You and your husband seem to have made little or no effort to include you three sons in the desitions that you have made about there lives. You say you did not include them during the getting to know you faze and then you bring your husband into the house and he starts taking over the family money / house rules.

I think your husband has gotten off lightly from your boys so far, If any new man had come into my mothers life when I was 17 and tried to take over without getting to know us first he would have found himself having an unexpected meeting down a dark alley one night.

You and your husband need to sit down angree on how and when you will both appolagise to the boys for the way you have gone about things.
Make a fresh start including them in the process.


----------



## Bevery1972 (Feb 2, 2013)

Thanks for your comments and input. Now I know that we didn't do the right thing by not including the boys as much. I didn't realize what impact it would have. Since the boys are teens and so heavily involved in sports and other activities, they weren't available anyway and perfered to do their own thing while my husband and I were dating. I was ignorant to the fact. I havent dated in years. My husband doesn't have kids and neither has he ever been married before so we were both ignorant in that regard. I have talked to my husband about getting back together under one roof. We are newlyweds and shouldn't be apart like this. However, we have date nights and spend quality time together on weekends--sometimes at my place and sometimes at his place. My husband has started to come around for dinners and has tried to make amends with the boys, but the boys dont seem to be receptive. My youngest son asked me why do I keep letting him in? I was so hurt by his question--children can be cruel. Although my husband has tried to bond with them, he thinks it may be better if we wait until the boys leave home before he and I get back together. My 17year old will be graduating high school this May and leaving for college in Aug. My 16 and 13 year olds will be with me a while longer. This whole situation is really putting a strain on the relationship. So tired of crying myself to sleep at night.


----------



## Bevery1972 (Feb 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your oldest will be 18 soon enough.What are his plans once he's 18? Is he staying in your house? Going to college? Etc?


My 17 year old will be 18 in June and going off to college in Aug, but he will still come home for summer and winter breaks.


----------



## Bevery1972 (Feb 2, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> I am surprised he's able to stay away from you that long over it. Especially as newlyweds. wtf.


We get together but it's strained--sometimes I feel as though Im sneaking or hiding to be with my husband. My boys look at me as though I'm choosing my husband over them. Even though I feel I've been a good mother to them--it feels awful the situation I'm in. I've sacrificed a lot. I love them dearly. They are my boys and always will be. I want the best for them, but I needed/need a life too. Before meeting my husband I had no social life. Everything was centered around them and their needs. Nothing totally wrong with that, but I had no life outside of their sporting events, pta meetings, music classes and etc. I hope I do not sound selfish. I just need a life for me, one that I can enjoy also while being their mother.


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

This will take work on both sides. Have you talked to your sons about all this? You need to admit to them that mistakes were made in blending the family, but those were just as much your fault as your husbands. At the same time, they should realize that you have made huge sacrifices for them and you DESERVE to be happy.

It is hard to hit the reset button at this point, but not necessarily impossible. Everyone (you, your sons, your husband) all need to accept responsibility for the mistakes each of you has made in the process. But if your sons want to see you happy, and your husband wants to see you happy, they will all make an effort accordingly.

Talk to your sons about what they expect with regard to your husband. They need to show him respect, but he needs to do the same. Your husband has no experience with parenting - he HAS to follow your lead and you have to work with him on what to expect and to trend slowly. I've been there myself and without your help, he is destined to fail. Your sons have lived without a male (dominant male) in the house for a while. They will need to adjust accordingly.

You are caught in the middle. You just need to set the right expectations on both sides.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course you're caught in the middle. You're the only reason why the two sides are in contact at all. And you're not taking any control of the situation. 

My advice. Look into family counseling. As a group, you all don't have the tools required in your toolbox to deal with the situation. And there's nothing wrong with that; it's a new situation for all of you. Thinking that you can wait till the kids are out of the house is just sticking your head in the sand, hoping the problem will solve itself. I somehow doubt that's a sustainable solution for the next 5+ years. 

As an FYI, my GF of two years and I will be in a similar situation, although my wife has primary custody of the kids. But she's never had kids, so being even a part-time mom will be a significant change for her. But she hasn't even met my kids yet. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Both your husband and your boys have to apologize to each other if that's possible. Both are wrong. I hope you can make that happen jmo.


----------

