# Confronting cheating spouse



## notsure123 (8 mo ago)

After a long marriage my wife asked for a divorce which I was OK with as it had not been working for some time. She is an alcoholic with an explosive temper but somehow I could never walk away - i guess i took my marriage vows seriously. We worked through a separation agreement and I thought it would be reasonably amicable until I accidentally discovered her cheating with someone years younger than her. The cheating had been going on for months before we separated. Given her temper and vindictiveness I have chosen to keep my knowledge to myself. Unfortunately there are actions in the agreement that still need to be implemented so I have had to stay on decent terms with her, which is becoming next to impossible for me. This will all wrap up in a few months and I will then be able to completely walk away and honestly, with no regrets. I feel strongly if I was to confront her now we'd end up in court to get the agreement enforced and there is no way I want that to happen.

My question that I struggle with is how tell her what I know at the right time. Of course I want to confront her face to face and blast her for what she has done and the emotional damage I am dealing with. And I do have evidence (video, text messages, etc) but I have no intention of sharing those - it's over regardless of her reaction. I have also thought of a letter, phone call and just about every other alternative. What I want is for her to know the pain she has caused and that I never will interact with her again, period. But I also need to bring closure for myself and I think part of that is in how I let her know of the hurt she has caused.

I'm interested in how others have approached these situations and how it affected YOU long term - really no longer care about how it affects her.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

She won't care. She'll be angry, maybe indifferent; good chance she'll mock you, too. Maybe if you give a sanitized version of your evidence to her parents or someone who's perception of her matters to her (presumably) she will feel some pain, but there are, of course, no guarantees. If you really need to let her know you know, that's understandable. Just expect to be disappointed. 

I think your better option is to hold onto the evidence unless and until she does something that can harm your reputation, etc.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What can letting her know that you know she was committing adultery do to any agreement? If you’re concerned about child custody, the courts will make sure you get access to your kids. As for child support, alimony those same courts are going to make sure she gets all the cash and prizes the law says an adulteress is entitled to. 

Why are you separating? I strongly suggest that you skip the separation and just have her served. I’ve been on this and similar boards and consistently I see the guys who think going out all nice guy will enable them to avoid any nasty mess end up getting an even more vindictive ex. 
Hopefully @Taxman can chime in. He’s a lawyer who has seen the carnage up close many times.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

This is the purpose of revealing the relationship.

does not empathize with your emotional problems or anything else.

if her image is damaged (she becomes a victim) you will get her attention.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Have you pinned a date to file for divorce?

I think when the divorce is final, you could tell her for closure but if she’s vindictive, she may blame it on you and leave you spinning all over again. The thing with these types of people is that even negative “publicity” thrills them in an odd way. Not saying to never tell her, but I would only do it when she can’t legally harm you in any way.

Sometimes moving on and living your best life away from toxic people is the only victory you can hope for.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

notsure123 said:


> After a long marriage my wife asked for a divorce which I was OK with as it had not been working for some time. She is an alcoholic with an explosive temper but somehow I could never walk away - i guess i took my marriage vows seriously. We worked through a separation agreement and I thought it would be reasonably amicable until I accidentally discovered her cheating with someone years younger than her. The cheating had been going on for months before we separated. Given her temper and vindictiveness I have chosen to keep my knowledge to myself. Unfortunately there are actions in the agreement that still need to be implemented so I have had to stay on decent terms with her, which is becoming next to impossible for me. This will all wrap up in a few months and I will then be able to completely walk away and honestly, with no regrets. I feel strongly if I was to confront her now we'd end up in court to get the agreement enforced and there is no way I want that to happen.
> 
> My question that I struggle with is how tell her what I know at the right time. Of course I want to confront her face to face and blast her for what she has done and the emotional damage I am dealing with. And I do have evidence (video, text messages, etc) but I have no intention of sharing those - it's over regardless of her reaction. I have also thought of a letter, phone call and just about every other alternative. What I want is for her to know the pain she has caused and that I never will interact with her again, period. But I also need to bring closure for myself and I think part of that is in how I let her know of the hurt she has caused.
> 
> I'm interested in how others have approached these situations and how it affected YOU long term - really no longer care about how it affects her.


Agree with lots of the posters here; don't show her anything because she already knows what she is doing. If I was a betting man, and I am, this would only go one of three ways: (1) She flips it on you immediately and blames you for a variety of things (e.g. emotional neglect, unsatisfactory sex life, physical absences, whatever) and it will actually make you feel guilty or make you feel even worse than you already do.....women are great at that (just ask a cop which group of people they rather break up in a fight, 2 jacked up roid heads, or 2 angry women...trust me, it's not the roid heads, I'm friends with plenty of cops), even if you don't think so now. Trust me, your instinct will be to "fix" your behavior after that because men want to fix things, we are logical usually and when confronted with failure, want to fix it. (2) She will get angry at your for snooping in her business, immediately playing the victim card, which is somewhat in line with what I said for number 1, in fact, they probably will go hand in hand. (3) She won't feel guilt for her actions, BUT, she will beg you to not say anything and may even want to reconcile with all sorts of (empty) promises, but if you take her back she will lose respect for you and do it again one day, or if not, you will be constantly on egg shells every time she is alone without you wondering if she's at it again with someone. Honestly, none of these options works for you, so your best bet is to simply tuck that evidence away in case it's needed for court, but if it's a no fault state, it won't matter anyway, so like other posters say, just file for divorce and move on with your own healing. Do cool stuff for yourself; new hobbies, get in better shape, etc. Don't worry so much about her cause she's already cheating, so what more could she do to you. If you rock the boat, the divorce will be harder/more expensive. Allow yourself time too to get over it; don't run out and start trying to get with women as revenge. Think of that scene in the beginning of Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Jason Segal is getting with plenty of girls but then is more miserable. It sounds cool to bag a bunch of randoms, but then you will just feel like ass after anyway and probably in a worse place. So, get your finances in order, file for divorce, and start the process of personal healing. When the final decree is signed, then tell her if you so choose, but not any time before. Also, given what you said about addiction and temper, she may even have undiagnosed mental health issues, which moreso means you won't get anything but to made feel worse if you bring it up before the divorce is final. You won't get the closure you are looking for because she already believes she has hers. Just food for thought.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

If she cared she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. She also would have tried to work on her substance abuse issue if she wanted to save the marriage. IMHO, be glad you are rid of her drunk ass, the best revenge is to find someone better and ignore her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, when the ink is dry, blast her. Tell her that you know she is a cheating **** with no morals, it is 100% HER fault for cheating, and her stupid excuses mean nothing to you. Then let the family know.
Tell them you have proof, tell them WHO it is, and let them know that she will try to spin it that she only got with this guy after you were separated.
Then, NO CONTACT with her ever again. Go live a great life.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Joe, the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshal is a very eye opening movie that is very true to life. It’s rare for a movie to be made where the guy is the victim and is shown in a sympathetic light all while the typical woman’s actions are exposed.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

personally once this is all over i would give her the evidence and tell her that if she says anything negative about you then you will share these with others...you want her to know that she was a deceive individual and you will not miss her at all. That she was your worse mistake. but wait until it is all over


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Sit tight. As has been said, a chemically dependent cheater will have no empathy or remorse. It is just the way they are.
The cheating, in retrospect, was a blessing for me. I was reluctant to divorce feeling the emotional abuse was insufficient grounds. Once I discovered the cheating, I knew I was justified.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Joe, the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshal is a very eye opening movie that is very true to life. It’s rare for a movie to be made where the guy is the victim and is shown in a sympathetic light all while the typical woman’s actions are exposed.


Very much so and it's hilarious too. The fact that his brother reminds him that slaying like crazy right after made him feel worse, and then right as Peter moves on and is happy, Sarah Marshall immediately has to try to come back after her new idolization faded faster than a race car. Even when he is like shoot it to me straight, and she finally lays out what SHE did for him, but never actually communicated with him, "Oh if they were Sean John sweatpants then it would be ok, but because they were Costco brand, it's like the worst thing I could do". ha! Pure gold.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Very much so and it's hilarious too. The fact that his brother reminds him that slaying like crazy right after made him feel worse, and then right as Peter moves on and is happy, Sarah Marshall immediately has to try to come back after her new idolization faded faster than a race car. Even when he is like shoot it to me straight, and she finally lays out what SHE did for him, but never actually communicated with him, "Oh if they were Sean John sweatpants then it would be ok, but because they were Costco brand, it's like the worst thing I could do". ha! Pure gold.


I liked the scene where they were making fun of her movie and the now ex bf says he told her it was garbage when he read the script and the new bf calls him the voice of reason.

The movie does do a good job of demonstrating perspective....she was unhappy and may have had valid reasons at the time. But instead of just ending things she ran around with another guy who was probably exciting but turned out to be poor partner material. The ex then didn't look so bad.

If a marriage isn't working then leave it. But when you leave for someone else you can find the grass isn't greener.

As for OP, I wouldn't tell her anything until your divorce decree is signed unless you think you can use it as leverage. In my ex's case he was terrified that I'd tell people about his side trash so he cooperated. That only works with someone who is heavily image conscious.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> I liked the scene where they were making fun of her movie and the now ex bf says he told her it was garbage when he read the script and the new bf calls him the voice of reason.
> 
> The movie does do a good job of demonstrating perspective....she was unhappy and may have had valid reasons at the time. But instead of just ending things she ran around with another guy who was probably exciting but turned out to be poor partner material. The ex then didn't look so bad.
> 
> ...


Agree. She was a narc with a lot of things going for her and he was unmotivated to pursue his dreams and let her walk all over him. It should be required viewing for any guy going through a break-up cause it definitely highlights how love or perception of love can actually conceal many incompatibilities and how being a backseat beta eventually causes a woman to lose respect for you and if she's a high functioning narc your time is limited anyway. He didn't pursue his dreams and she grew sick of it, hence why I highlighted the sweatpants scene. Both had a point; he thought she was only into the glamour and glitz, and she just saw an unmotivated slob who got content in a relationship and never tried to self improve. Ahhh, Judd Apatow. He used to make great movies.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

DO NOT DIVULGE ANYTHING. These are items to be discussed with your lawyer. These are the kinds of things that he wants to spring during a discovery or a trial. Guaranteed, this is something that she does not know you know. Good. It is useable as ammunition in just about every jurisdiction I am aware. Keep this close to your vest and ONLY discuss this with your lawyer. PS, do you have a good shark? I am now of the opinion, that you go for a serial killer of a lawyer. Watched my guy go after a WW, after he was done there was not enough for the crows to land their droppings.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Honestly, confronting her will be a waste of your time if all you are trying to get out of is letting her know the pain it caused. And I say this from experience. My ex and I finalized our divorce in last month due to finding out she had been involved in a long term affair. We've got kids so when I first found out I unloaded on her about how she could do this, etc. Once that calmed down, I told her how much it hurt me emotionally. She said all the right things about how she was sorry, but she wasn't and still isn't. There are exceptions to everything, but, in general, people like your STBX don't care if they stomp on other people's feelings and don't regret what they've done. They might regret getting caught, but they don't regret the action. If you think you are going to get something that will make you feel better by confronting her, you are wrong. 

If the evidence of the adultery is any way beneficial to your divorce proceedings (in many states it is not), then hang onto that information. If it doesn't help with the divorce proceedings, just move on because you are better off and it seems like you know that. You won't get any closure by confronting your ex. If anything, her reaction will either make you more sad or more angry or both.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There was a guy on here recently who confronted. He ended up in jail with a false DV charge. 
Your best path is to get out ASAP and cut off all contact. Anything else is a total waste of your time. 
He was warned but chose to ignore it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

@notsure123, my advice on the timing is....you don't tell her. If it's over regardless, then you, without her knowledge, hire an attorney. Tell him/her everything you know. I will tell you when it comes to infidelity, it's only a "grounds" for divorce. It matters not in things like marital asset division or custody(although it SHOULD matter with custody IMO).

So you do this to let your attorney get all the ducks in a row before you have her served. She mentally abused you by cheating on you. She deserves no courtesy here.

So once your attorney has a gameplan formulated, and the papers are ready to be given to her, THAT is when you confront her. After you confront her, serve her.

Ask her to leave the marital property. She will be entitled to half the equity in it if she leaves though. OR, you could leave and she'll owe it to you. Leverage against things like her share of your retirement, etc.

So consult an attorney, get the ball rolling and spring it on her when you spring the divorce papers on her. That way you'll be ahead of the game and she'll be scrambling. You can sit back an relax knowing all you have to do at that point is wait.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are ending the marriage so what will be gained by talking to her about it. Get divorced and move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What I would do is serve her with divorce papers, afterwards, I would just tell her "tell [ X] that I say good luck with you".


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Say nothing, ESPECIALLY if she's vindictive & explosive. You're putting yourself on dangerous ground. 

She couldn't care less about your feelings, she had an A & then asked for a divorce. 

Your best revenge, dunno if that's the right word, is to be as successful as you can possibly be in every sphere in your new life. 
Gray rock her until it's over, i.e communicate via lawyers or email or text. Only see her if absolutely necessary. If you do only discuss the divorce stuff, same for emails/texts. 

You put up with her being an alcoholic, I doubt if she will get many to do the same in the future. 
So don't forget her new life may not be quite as wonderful as she imagines.

PS Do you have children? If so how old?


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

I've read a few post here and other sites where the Wayward Spouse was being mean to the Betrayed Spouse and asked for a divorce. The BS ended up finding out that the WS was cheating and hoped that the BS did not know. Once the BS told the WS that the BS know about the cheating, the WS changed his/her tune and for some strange reason did not want the divorce. Confront but do not say how you know, just that you know. OR as most here has said, keep the info to yourself until you talk with your lawyer. If your end game is to divorce, keep the info to yourself and hopefully your ww will be amicable during the divorce proceedings. If wanting to save the marriage, let her know that you know about the cheating and make her do all the work to save the marriage, if it's in her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If proof of infidelity would help you at all in your divorce (more favorable division of assets, no alimony, etc), use it. Talk with your lawyer to find out. If not, though, drop it. She’s out the door anyway so who gives a crap.

That said, hold onto the evidence. You might need it once she starts slandering you to everyone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would rent a billboard the day the divorce is finalized. Let everyone know she is a cheater. Make sure to use a picture of her being drunk and angry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

People who cheat don't give a damn about their BS feelings otherwise they wouldn't do this. On top of that she is an alcoholic and they can be the most self-serving selfish people around, so give up on the idea of getting any closure or any understanding from her. She is a victim and will always act the victim. Listen to Taxman, if you want her to have consequences, use it in your divorce and relay this info to your lawyer. In addition, you can let all those who are her friends, family etc know (AFTER the divorce is finalised), expose her for what she is.


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## notsure123 (8 mo ago)

Thanks everyone for your great comments and thoughts. While often contradictory on what to do, they bring me a lot of clarity especially to not expect any contrition on her part. You are right, move on with my life.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You are ending the marriage so what will be gained by talking to her about it. Get divorced and move on.


Yes, and during the divorce do NOT talk to her at all. If she asks any questions about the divorce or anything related to it, he needs to tell her to talk to his attorney.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

notsure123 said:


> Thanks everyone for your great comments and thoughts. While often contradictory on what to do, they bring me a lot of clarity especially to not expect any contrition on her part. You are right, move on with my life.


I would hold on to it until divorced. Use in divorce if necessary, if not hold it and when friend or family speak of her getting a new BF, or she makes some kind of FB stmt, you can correct the record that BF was in the picture well before the divorce and provide proof. I would also tell the inlaws about it after divorce so they know the whole picture, that wife is cheater and her new BF is the AP.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

What worked for me was resolved calm. There was no way I was going to confront via a letter, online, or whatever. I wanted him to see my face and see that he no longer had the privilege of knowing my thoughts or emotions. He tried to get me to tell him how I felt. He tried to get me to lose it. I did none of that. I told him I knew he was a liar and a cheat and I told him my thoughts on the matter would be shared with people I could trust and my attorney. Proudest day of my entire life.


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