# Need some advice



## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

So I'm new to the forums, I actually just joined because my husband and I are going through this issue at the moment. 

We are a family of 4, my husband and I, our 2 year old daughter, and my husbands 14 year old sister that we have had custody of for a year and a half. We have been together for 3 and a half years and have been moving around every few months because my husband works contract jobs. We just got to the point a few months ago where we are ready to stay in one place and buy a home. 

To move closer to this goal I gave up being a stay at home mom which I loved and went out a got a job, the problem is that now my husband has gotten used to having that extra income and has changed his mind about saving up so we can get a house. He can't seem to under stand that going out and buying small things ads up. 

Our disagreement at the moment is that he wants to buy an exhaust for his car along with getting his windows tinted. He also wants to take a conceal carry class and buy a holster for his gun. I'm trying to explain to him that these things don't fit in our plan right now and that I think the best thing would be to save up a set amount of money that we agree on and then after that gold is reached he can start using extra money we have to buy some things that he wants. He agreed with that earlier tonight but then as we were getting ready for be he told me he doesn't need to ask my permission to spend money and he can buy what he wants. 

This isn't something new, he has been think this the whole time we have been together, I guess I was just hoping since we were working toward a mutual goal and since I went out and got a job that he could at least wait to buy the things he think he "deserves". 

I'm not sure if this was more of a rant or asking for advice but any input would be appreciated.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy works hard. He's been solely responsible for keeping four people alive. What percentage of his sweat has been used for family purchases? Surely, he's earned the right to spend a little of the money he's earned without incurring a lot of drama. How about an agreed-upon dollar figure or percentage that he gets to keep and spend on whatever, no-questions asked? If he wants a holster, muffler, or if he wants to set it on fire, it'd be his money. I know you're anxious to get a house but what's the point of buying a house if it'll be sold in a couple years due to a divorce because your husband can't feel like a man at home? Ask anyone who's gone through a divorce. All the stuff you think is worth something gets sold for pennies. The fastest growing group hitting the poverty roles are single women with kids. The wisest financial move you can make is to keep a marriage to an employed man intact. It's also the best way to make sure your child gets a good education and stays out of trouble. It costs really next to nothing to let a man feel like a man. He's already proven he's willing to work like a dog for the benefit of the family. He shouldn't be treated like a child and forced to ask his wife's permission before buying a holster. I've raised three kids, worked two jobs for about 38 years. Started when I was 14. I spend almost nothing on myself, but it's a great feeling to know I could without asking, "Mother, may I?" from my wife. I've got two pensions coming, kids gone to college, house nearly paid for, stocks and some money. Everybody's getting taken care of. Even if I croak out, everybody will be ok, financially. Don't ask for anything in return other than to be treated with a little respect.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

After sex, money is the biggest area of disagreement. See if you can find a middle ground to put some money into a house fund and there is some defined fun money. Budgets, like diets, need discipline.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I think that most couples / families go through periods where money is tight and money is at the heart of many an argument.

I have always been a saver / planner and some of this has rubbed off on my wife in the years we have been married (18 and counting). To make things easier for us we set down some financial guidelines before we married (not very romantic I know):

There is one "Household Account" and that pays all the bills (including our pensions / savings) and all of both our taxable income goes into this. 
We have a short term "rainy day account" that either of us can access.
We have a "long term savings account" that requires both our signatures for withdrawals.

Everyone in the household (adults & kids) gets an allowance to spend as they please but all purchases from the household or savings accounts above a set limit are discussed before they are made.

As our financial situation has changed over time we have reviewed and updated the amounts we save, the limit at which we must consult but we find that having a structure / plan for our money has reduced the potential for arguments.

AS for the OP's situation if the car is needed for work and requires an exhaust then it should come out of regular expenditure, the other non essentials should either come from the husbands allowance or be discussed in advance.

I am know expert on the US property market but I would have thought that paying off a mortgage each month was a better long term investment than just paying rent so saving a deposit is IMHO a good thing.


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

I see your point unbelievable, I guess the thing that's irking me is that I didn't go out and get a job so he could spend the extra money on things that I believe to be non-essentials. 

I also took offense when you said that he's worked to support a family of 4 and made it sound as if I did nothing but I think that could be because there is more to our story. 

A year and a half ago we took in 3 of his younger siblings (13,15 and 17) we had a one year old of our own, and the 15 year old had leukemia. I'm but sure if you have ever had to deal with a child with a sickness but it is draining. My husband brought in the money and work my but off at 23 to try to raise my old child and 3 teenagers being just barely out of my teens myself. There is much more to keeping a family going than "working like a dog" 

Back to the issue. My husband and I agreed last night that after we were able to set aside a set amount of money for the down payment on our home, he was free to spend any extra mo eh we had on whatever his heart desired. But I feel like I have out equal work into this family and I don't want to continue to live in an apartment because my husband can't see the big picture.


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

I probably should have also stated that the car does not need work it is a brand new 2013 mustang Gt (which is another thing we bought because he said deserved it) the exhaust he wants it for sound not because the car needs it. We also agreed when we bought this car that we were not going to spend any money on it beyond regular maintenance.


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## thelovetrip (Mar 19, 2013)

Have you and your husband ever sat down to talk with someone about what it will actually take, and a dollar amount needed for the home you want to purchase? If you and your husband are on the same page about buying a home, then maybe sitting down to talk to someone about the cost of home ownership might enlighten him. It's one thing to be concerned about spending money, but most of that worry stems from not knowing the facts, or at least not having a plan in place. You and your husband have both made sacrifices in your marriage, and both deserve the little things in life (as insignificant as they may seem to the other party) that make each of you happy. Do the purchases he wishes to make need to be done all at one time? Marriage is compromise and communication. It is not a 50-50 proposition, each person needs to be committed 100%, and the only way I will commit to anything is I get the facts beforehand and have a plan.


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

thelovetrip said:


> Have you and your husband ever sat down to talk with someone about what it will actually take, and a dollar amount needed for the home you want to purchase? If you and your husband are on the same page about buying a home, then maybe sitting down to talk to someone about the cost of home ownership might enlighten him. It's one thing to be concerned about spending money, but most of that worry stems from not knowing the facts, or at least not having a plan in place. You and your husband have both made sacrifices in your marriage, and both deserve the little things in life (as insignificant as they may seem to the other party) that make each of you happy. Do the purchases he wishes to make need to be done all at one time? Marriage is compromise and communication. It is not a 50-50 proposition, each person needs to be committed 100%, and the only way I will commit to anything is I get the facts beforehand and have a plan.


Our plan is to save 15k for our house fund ( down payment/closing costs) Anything over the 15K we will be able to save up quickly enough that it won't be a big deal. 15 is a good starting amount. We are already at 9 so I don't see him waiting a few months to buy these things as a huge deal.


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## thelovetrip (Mar 19, 2013)

The way you talk about how quickly you can save up money over your planned 15k like it's no big deal seems to me like you have already answered your question, especially if he sees it the same way. Why should H worry about spending a few dollars on the things he wants if you guy's can save it so quickly. Look at it from your own point of view *"we will be able to save up quickly enough that it won't be a big deal"*and ask yourself the question. If it's no big deal, why am I making it one? Is there another reason this is bothering you? Do you feel now that your only working to pay for his spending sprees? Is this something new or has he been like this from the beginning? Just a few thoughts


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

thelovetrip said:


> The way you talk about how quickly you can save up money over your planned 15k like it's no big deal seems to me like you have already answered your question, especially if he sees it the same way. Why should H worry about spending a few dollars on the things he wants if you guy's can save it so quickly. Look at it from your own point of view *"we will be able to save up quickly enough that it won't be a big deal"*and ask yourself the question. If it's no big deal, why am I making it one? Is there another reason this is bothering you? Do you feel now that your only working to pay for his spending sprees? Is this something new or has he been like this from the beginning? Just a few thoughts


Yes I think that is mostly my issue, like I said earlier I did not go out and get a job and miss out of so much of my 2 year olds life so he could buy things that we don't need. 

And when I said we could save up something quickly I wasn't talking about saving another 15k. I'm talking a thousand or so since we already know that 15 is about the amount we will need to get ourselves into price range we want to spend. 

The other thing that bothers me is that I don't spend money on myself, I drive the hand me down car because he bought this new car that is impractical for our family, I don't buy clothes, electronics, nothing. He has a new car, two new computers, he bought a 750 dollar dog a few weeks ago. So it's not just this one thing. And I am not spending so much time away from my child to fund these things.


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

I could probably also mention that we owe my parents almost 20 grand and they are being very understanding that we are paying them back slowly because we are trying to buy a house but its very frustrating for them when he spends money on stuff like he does when we owe them so much money


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

> He agreed with that earlier tonight but then as we were getting ready for be he told me he doesn't need to ask my permission to spend money and he can buy what he wants.


If you both agreed on the plan to save for the house, then explain that while he doesn't in fact need to ask your permission to spend money, he DOES in fact need your approval to VIOLATE a plan you both agreed to.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

Check out Dr Harley's guidelines for successful negotiations.
(sorry I don't have the link)
Also, I was having a lot of issues with my husbands spending, not helping around the house, this and that, well, I nagged him so much that he now wants a divorce. Would I have known all these complaints from me would have brought me there, I might have been more understanding of his needs. Just make sure you also answer your own needs. Check out Dr Harley's tips will be very helpful.


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