# Just cold feet or serious problem?



## lizzylein (Sep 30, 2008)

Hi all! I'm new to this, so bare with me. I recently became engaged to my long-term boyfriend of 7 years. We've been together since high school and through college. He recently graduated and we became engaged (I pretty much forced him to do it immediately, but he was anything but unwilling). We aren't the perfect couple, but who is? Recently, I've been having some serious doubts about us as a couple. We've always had issues in the bedroom (I want sex and he NEVER wants sex). I ask him all the time what is wrong, but he never gives me a straight answer, just an endless line of excuses (I'm tired, I just ate, I'm watching TV, or, I just don't want to). We've fought and fought about this and nothing is ever resolved. Actually, it just makes other problems crop up. Like how he never "pursues" me or romances me, and never makes the first move. Actually, if I never made a move I wander if we would ever have sex. I am two years older than he is, and so when we were first starting out as a couple I was sort of an "instructor," but that is long past. Why do I still have to initiate? It seems like it is always his choice, whether we have sex or not. 

This may sound a little mean, but physical intimacy is very important, and if I am not satisfied, I don't think our marriage has a shot of lasting. Like I said, we've been together for a long time, and our money is put together and we rely on each other for financial support. If this wasn't the case, I'm might have called the wedding off by now. Is this just cold feet? I know I've been anxious about the wedding, but if this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, isn't a sex life important? I know he would be a good provider and father for our future children, and he loves me (I think), but there is this coldness that has been growing every year. Help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think with the commitment of marriage you need to know. See if you can get premarriage counsiling or just sit him down and communicate your concerns.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lizzylein said:


> This may sound a little mean, but physical intimacy is very important, and if I am not satisfied, I don't think our marriage has a shot of lasting.


You are not mean. But you are in denial if you think this marriage can work. drop him like a hot potato, and let some more experienced woman sort him out.

In situations like this, the un-sexual partner tends to stop wanting sex altogether after the wedding day - if he even bothers to consummate it. 

What i would really like to know is why you are still wondering if it can be fixed, when it's obvious he does not fancy you. He does not have the hots for you. Most marriages al least start of with some "steam".


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## lizzylein (Sep 30, 2008)

Well, usually I would agree with you, however we've been together already for seven years. After all that time, I suppose it should be expected that our sex life wouldn't be like it was when we were teenagers. Right now its like once a week, or once every two weeks. However, I'm only 24, and he's 22, so I'm thinking it shouldn't be so infrequent (and the fact that I always have to initiate, and I'm frequently turned down). I've mentioned premarital counseling, but he either changes the issue or just doesn't answer. He does have issues with women (his biological mother was a druggie and abandoned him with his father when he was 4 and his stepmother is a drunk). However, he's always been so put together, I'm not so sure if this is connected, but I'm not a psychologist. 

He has recently mentioned to me that he doesn't believe that I think he is attractive (which is what I should be saying, since he keeps turning me down!) I do have to admit that I did cheat on him 4 years ago, but I have been faithful ever since (and it wasn't an ongoing affair, but just a one night stand in college). Sometimes I feel like he's punishing me for this or that we have some sort of unresolved issues, but I don't know what else can be done about it (we've talked about it, made amends, etc.) I don't know really what to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You are not mean. But you are in denial if you think this marriage can work. drop him like a hot potato, and let some more experienced woman sort him out.


:iagree:

Find someone that wants to be with you. If you marry him, this will be the rest of your life.


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## gabrielbeth (Oct 1, 2008)

i'm pretty new at this site too, so please forgive me for just jumping in here like this...

i have to agree - no sex is a big, fat, red flag. sex is important in a marriage and for you be that young, even though you've been together that long...you should be still be ripping each others clothes off and chasing each other around naked. 

think about it, if it's a big issue now before marriage, imagine how big an issue it will be when you've been married for a few years. you will be miserable. i think you should post pone the marriage and possible seek couple therapy together. there is a reason he doesn't want to be intimate with you and you need to find out now. if he's not willing to change, you may want to consider playing the field a little to see who else is out there. 

just my thought, hope they help. good luck.
gabrielbeth


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I agree, too. No sex means drop him. 

Even though you've been friends for 7 years (you're 24, he's 22 so that means you were 17 and he was 15 when you got together). 

I think that's way too young to be planning a life (or the basis of a life) together. I'd call off the wedding, now, before people start making travel plans! 

Maybe he feels the friendship turned into romance is back to a friendship stage. Sure sounds like it. 

Did his denials (of intimacy) begin shortly after you "cheated"? Maybe it's a long term retaliation (and after this length of time, it will take some serious counseling to overcome). 

Just my thoughts...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

For the record, sex need not drop in a long term relationship. The fact that it often does is simply a reflection of how crap most people's marriages are. I am nearly 42, my wife is 46. After a multi-year interlude of "only" 3 times a week, we are back to 5-10 times per week. Things have gotten hotter too.

*The real deciding factor in relationships like yours can be written in one sentence:* If the undersexed partner, (on hearing the complaint of the other) is willing to work on it via therapy or paying more attention, then there is hope. If they make excuses, and fob you off, it's hopeless.

OK That was two sentences, sorry.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

dcrim said:


> Even though you've been friends for 7 years (you're 24, he's 22 so that means you were 17 and he was 15 when you got together).
> 
> I think that's way too young to be planning a life (or the basis of a life) together.


I agree. You haven't given yourself, or your boyfriend, time to experiment, live life, be single, see who else is out there. 

There are so many people out there, don't settle if you are unhappy now.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Getting married will not magically improve this issue. If anything sex will get less frequent. Get it resolved before you tie the knot.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Marrying your highschool sweetheart is generally not a good idea (early midlife crisis is a given with these marriages).

Give him the ring back. Your marriage is not going to work based on what you've posted.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

DANG! I thought we were going to get an update after 5 years. That would have been cool.


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