# Husband is embarrassed by my brothers and me by being related to them



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again. He and my younger brother had a falling out two years ago. Younger brother was lat to H‘s moms funeral. It got even worse when he confronted him over it and other then started on other issues that he had with him. 
This put my brother on the defensive and he gave us the cold shoulder after that. This infuriated my husband that he wasn’t being taken seriously by my brother. My brother’s passive aggressive behavior only made the situation worse. 
Both of my brothers are lifelong bachelors and have never had any serious relationships. They are both middle aged and sure aren’t going to change at this point in their lives. They both just work, watch tv and fish. I have a husband and two kids so we don’t necessarily have a ton in common. 
A friend of ours knew of the dispute between H and brother. He asked how the situation was and was surprised that neither of my brothers had married and the “shame” of this rubs off on me.
My husband doesn’t know how I put up with them. 
I don’t know how their social lives reflect on u


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Was your brother close to your husband's mom? 🤔

I'm wondering why he was expected to be there?

The only time my younger brother met any of my former in-laws was our wedding.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Kathy, 
Your husband has a lot of overwhelming, expectations.


KathyfromMich said:


> My husband feels that my family should have “fixed” him years ago. Our conflict is that he feels I’m getting screwed by my brother cause I’m not using the place. If I went up without him, I’m not sure he would be speaking to me when I returned. My husband thinks that I am somehow responsible for my brother‘s single status and lack of accomplishments. That I can somehow change a 54 year old man.


When I look at that I guess I can see how he would expect your brother to be on time to the funeral of your mother in law. Reasonable people wouldn't have expected him to show up. 

I suppose you could tell your Husband that the main reason that your brother doesn't do anything your husband expects him to do is because your brother thinks your husband is an asshole. The second reason is obviously because your husband has no authority, real or moral, No means to enforce, and no real influence. If your husband continues to try to use you to influence your Brother, he is likely to loose that option as well.

So is this flare up about the family cottage usage? 
#1 the cottage is not in any way a right of your husbands. Any time he is invited he is a guest not an owner.
#2 the cottage is not younger brothers hobby horse. Any decisions about improvements, maintenance and usage are by agreement of all three siblings.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I thought some of this sounded familiar.


----------



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

minimalME said:


> Was your brother close to your husband's mom? 🤔
> 
> I'm wondering why he was expected to be there?
> 
> The only time my younger brother met any of my former in-laws was our wedding.


he was supposed to drive my mother there. She was planning to attend. he said he got the date of the service wrong. my brother wouldn’t have put our mom in this position. My mom caught a ride with someone else so she was on time.


----------



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> Kathy,
> Your husband has a lot of overwhelming, expectations.
> 
> When I look at that I guess I can see how he would expect your brother to be on time to the funeral of your mother in law. Reasonable people wouldn't have expected him to show up.
> ...


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

So 2 years ago ... your brother disrespected your husband, and disrespected the memory of your husband's mother by showing up late to her funeral.

What has your brother done in the past two years to make amends to your husband?

I can tell you, if anyone had shown that level of disrespect to my mother when she passed we would still be 'having words', and 'I must have gotten the time wrong' ain't going to cut it.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

KathyfromMich said:


> My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again. He and my younger brother had a falling out two years ago. Younger brother was lat to H‘s moms funeral. It got even worse when he confronted him over it and other then started on other issues that he had with him.
> This put my brother on the defensive and he gave us the cold shoulder after that. This infuriated my husband that he wasn’t being taken seriously by my brother. *My brother’s passive aggressive behavior *only made the situation worse.


What P-A behavior? Your H was a **** and your brother sensibly avoids him. You are mislabeling it as a pathology.


> Both of my brothers are lifelong bachelors and have never had any serious relationships. They are both middle aged and sure aren’t going to change at this point in their lives. They both just work, watch tv and fish. I have a husband and two kids so we don’t necessarily have a ton in common.
> A friend of ours knew of the dispute between H and brother. He asked how the situation was and was surprised that neither of my brothers had married and the “shame” of this rubs off on me.
> My husband doesn’t know how I put up with them.
> I don’t know how their social lives reflect on u


What would you like from us?


----------



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> So 2 years ago ... your brother disrespected your husband, and disrespected the memory of your husband's mother by showing up late to her funeral.
> 
> What has your brother done in the past two years to make amends to your husband?
> 
> I can tell you, if anyone had shown that level of disrespect to my mother when she passed we would still be 'having words', and 'I must have gotten the time wrong' ain't going to cut it.





SpinyNorman said:


> What P-A behavior? Your H was a **** and your brother sensibly avoids him. You are mislabeling it as a pathology.
> 
> What would you like from us?


I needed to vent. just wanted to know how this all looks from the outside


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your brother clearly thinks your husband is a ****. And honestly, he's behaving like one.

I don't see how the fact that your brothers have never married is either shameful, or reflects poorly on you? WTF?


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

KathyfromMich said:


> I needed to vent. just wanted to know how this all looks from the outside


Thanks. 

Maybe people don't like your brothers b/c they don't give a crap what busy bodies think. If that's accurate, then I like them.

Don't keep going over this w/ your H. You aren't responsible for what other people do and he doesn't get to draft you into his war. 

Maybe you and H should discuss it w/ a counselor so he can hear it from a neutral party.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

KathyfromMich said:


> I needed to vent. just wanted to know how this all looks from the outside


At first glance, it looks like your husband is being a nickname for Richard. There's likely more to it than your bro showing up late for the funeral. Tell your old man to look at it on the positive side. Your late MIL didn't have a problem with it.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> Reasonable people wouldn't have expected him to show up.


Reasonable people might not expect a given person to show up, but that if said person shows, it is reasonable to expect them to show up on time, bar situations beyond their control. So showing up late because of forgetfulness is a reasonable reason for being upset at brother. Not showing up at all due to forgetfulness would not be reasonable, unless they were part of the event, say pallbearer in this case.

@KathyfromMich All that said, overall your husband does seem to be the arse here. Your brother has no obligation to deal with your husband. And that friend of yours needs to be shamed in trying to attribute any shame to you for your brothers' actions. It doesn't matter what they do or did. They could have gone on a mass murder spree, and that is still no shame on you.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How your brothers live their lives is no one's business but theirs. As long as they aren't involving you and yours. Where is the shame in the fact that they haven't married?

Why is your husband so involved in your family's lives? Is he looking to be considered the family patriarch - the big man on campus? He would be wise to keep his nose out of their business and concentrate on his own immediate family. As it is, he is coming across as a boorish bully.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Maybe I'm making too much of the little info I have, but it sounds like your H wants control. The worst words a controller can hear are what your brother said, "I'm won't play this game." His constant rehashing sounds like he wants to compensate for this by controlling you. Don't play.

Tell him you're sorry he doesn't get along w/ them but the solution is just for them to avoid each other. If you want a relationship w/ them, that is your right and entirely reasonable and H doesn't get to draft you into his war.

Most of us occasionally have to interact w/ people we don't like, and the adults among us try not to make it obnoxious for innocent third parties.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

KathyfromMich said:


> A friend of ours knew of the dispute between H and brother. He asked how the situation was and was surprised that neither of my brothers had married and the “shame” of this rubs off on me.


I think I'd display shock and say "I have no idea what shame you're talking about." then change the subject. 

And if I hadn't brought up the disagreement, I wouldn't appreciate the friend going through my dirty laundry.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

KathyfromMich said:


> My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again.


Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

About


KathyfromMich said:


> My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again. He and my younger brother had a falling out two years ago. Younger brother was lat to H‘s moms funeral. It got even worse when he confronted him over it and other then started on other issues that he had with him.
> This put my brother on the defensive and he gave us the cold shoulder after that. This infuriated my husband that he wasn’t being taken seriously by my brother. My brother’s passive aggressive behavior only made the situation worse.
> ...


It's hard to judge this exchange without being there to observe each man's tone and the full context, but I can imagine your husband going a little overboard if his mom just died.

I mean, come on... if you show up late to a funeral and the bereaved is upset, how hard is it just to apologize and move on? If I were in your brother's shoes, at that point I'd be thinking to myself "_You screwed up and showed up late; poor guy just lost his mom. Be the bigger man, apologize, and make amends later._"

BTW, What exactly did your brother do that was passive aggressive at that point?


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> If I were in your brother's shoes, at that point I'd be thinking to myself "_You screwed up and showed up late; poor guy just lost his mom. Be the bigger man, apologize, and make amends later._"


I thought of my mother's funeral as being for the benefit of people who thought it would help them get over her death. If someone walked in late or decided they didn't want to come, it bothered me not.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KathyfromMich said:


> My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again. He and my younger brother had a falling out two years ago. Younger brother was lat to H‘s moms funeral. It got even worse when he confronted him over it and other then started on other issues that he had with him.
> This put my brother on the defensive and he gave us the cold shoulder after that. This infuriated my husband that he wasn’t being taken seriously by my brother. My brother’s passive aggressive behavior only made the situation worse.
> Both of my brothers are lifelong bachelors and have never had any serious relationships. They are both middle aged and sure aren’t going to change at this point in their lives. They both just work, watch tv and fish. I have a husband and two kids so we don’t necessarily have a ton in common.
> A friend of ours knew of the dispute between H and brother. He asked how the situation was and was surprised that neither of my brothers had married and the “shame” of this rubs off on me.
> ...


What judgmental narrow-minded crap. There is no one way to live. Anyone judging those guys because they aren't leading the same life as them needs to grow up and understand that there's all kinds of people in the world and that what's good for one isn't good for all.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ah Family! 

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Tolstoy.


----------



## annajamey (Sep 14, 2017)

This is an interesting topic to discuss.


----------



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

My husband keeps going over this situation over and over. His so called argument is that he has no choice but to be angry. Acording to him, my brothers and and I are the cause of all the upset. He bears no responsibility at all.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not going to change so you’ll have to decide how important this issue is.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If he was late enough to cause a scene, he should’ve shown up at all. He also could have waited outside until the service was over. It really all depends on what happened when he did show up.

My family that live close came to my MIL’s funeral.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

KathyfromMich said:


> My husband keeps going over this situation over and over. His so called argument is that he has no choice but to be angry. Acording to him, my brothers and and I are the cause of all the upset. He bears no responsibility at all.


You always have a choice about how to feel, but you don't have to tell him that.

I would remind him that all of us have dealt w/ people who did stuff we didn't like, but most of us didn't let it take over our life, and most importantly, didn't impose it on the people we claim to love.

He has chosen to not like what was done, that is his right. It would be better for his blood pressure if he put it in perspective, and if counseling is what it takes he ought to do it. But it is his right to wreck his health over this and he can even have a gravestone that tells everyone it's your brother's fault.

What is not his right is to keep dumping it on you. Tell him you're sorry he doesn't get along w/ your brother, offer to help if he has a constructive solution, but you've heard enough complaining and you won't listen to any more. Then don't listen to any more.

On one level you're protecting your own sanity, on another level you're not encouraging him to make wars with people which is ultimately good for him.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

KathyfromMich said:


> My husband keeps going over this situation over and over. His so called argument is that he has no choice but to be angry. Acording to him, my brothers and and I are the cause of all the upset. He bears no responsibility at all.


Ask him why he gives you and your brothers so much control over his emotional state. He is blameshifting his responsibility to control his own emotions. Bet you and yours didn't know you were so powerful.

You do know that his reasoning is the reasoning that all wife-beaters use, don't you?


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

SpinyNorman said:


> I thought of my mother's funeral as being for the benefit of people who thought it would help them get over her death. If someone walked in late or decided they didn't want to come, it bothered me not.


Want to wander in at your own convenience? Then go to visitation. Don't want to attend the funeral? Fine, you do you boo. But if you're going to show up at the funeral ceremony you darned sure better be on time. To me, it's about respect - for the deceased, the family, and the ceremony.

Brother screwed up. He should have recognized that and apologized properly at some point over the past 2 years.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> Want to wander in at your own convenience? Then go to visitation. Don't want to attend the funeral? Fine, you do you boo. But if you're going to show up at the funeral ceremony you darned sure better be on time. To me, it's about respect - for the deceased, the family, and the ceremony.


If I ever need more things to be mad at people about, I will keep this in mind. I honestly don't know if anyone wandered in after things began.


> Brother screwed up. He should have recognized that and apologized properly at some point over the past 2 years.


The brother hasn't asked for our advice.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly i think everyone is acting little immaturely, you can try to act as the peacemaker but until they realize that this is just silliness in the large scheme i would remind all of them that they are acting like little boys.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

SpinyNorman said:


> The brother hasn't asked for our advice.


True. Neither has H. Yet the thread is full of posts advising OP to tell H to get over it. From H's point of view, he has no obligation to get over it. The onus is on Brother to make it right.

Add to that the cabin drama that, according to OP, Brother unilaterally makes work for. As long as Brother is able to do that, there will always be friction. Anything that affects OP's time, labor, or money is going to also affect OP's husband. And Brother is already on H's s&%t list. H might not have a say in the cabin, but he sure has equal say in how family assets are used, which is where I bet the arguments about the cabin start.

Legit advice: OP, if it isn't already, place that cabin in a family trust. Have a lawyer help draft a trust agreement that details each sibling's obligations as far as money, maintenance, scheduling, and selling of the property. That should both limit the amount of work Brother can create for OP and other brother, and will protect all 3 of you when it comes time to sell. It should also limit arguments with H, as Brother will no longer be able to rope you into his pet cabin projects without going through the trust procedures for approval.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

The very definition of a mountain out of a molehill and as such your H is playing the part of the unreasonable asshole, even if he had some legitimate reason to be angry in the first place.

Being late to an important family event is poor form, but for your H to still be pissed off enough to make this much of an issue about to after 2 years is pathetic. My aunt and uncle were late to my wedding because they got "lost" even though they were using GPS. It was clearly poor planning, but it just was not worth getting bothered about.

As for the rest of it, your H is doubling down on being the family asshole by being so judgy and attempting to be controlling. How your brothers live their lives is none, absolutely none, of his business unless there is genuine harm happening. As someone else said at the top of the thread he has no real or moral authority here and you need to rein him in.

From what I've read about the family cottage stuff this is an issue between you and your brothers. H should butt out.

So, time to make it clear to H how it really is and that you are no longer interested in discussing his opinions on how your brothers choose to live.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> True. Neither has H. Yet the thread is full of posts advising OP to tell H to get over it. From H's point of view, he has no obligation to get over it. The onus is on Brother to make it right.


Really bizzare advice here. Holding on to stuff like this is definitely causing more issues than it solves. To be honest H can feel what he likes bit constantly dragging OP into arguments about it is damaging to the marriage and solves nothing. That is why people are advising OP to tell H to get over it.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Really bizzare advice here. Holding on to stuff like this is definitely causing more issues than it solves. To be honest H can feel what he likes bit constantly dragging OP into arguments about it is damaging to the marriage and solves nothing. That is why people are advising OP to tell H to get over it.


Why is the onus on H, the aggrieved, and not brother? H doesn't like brother, H feels wronged by brother. OP is never going to change H's opinion of brother. Short of brother making things right with H, the best thing is to never bring up brother to H. Why poke that bear?

The real issue is that OP can't do that, because of this cabin. Brother stirs the pot there. OP gets dragged in. H, by association, gets dragged in. H doesn't want OP to be taken advantage of by brother. Fight starts.

You say the cabin is none of H's business. That's true to a point. But the moment marital resources become involved in the cabin, it is absolutely his business. That's why my real advice is for OP to do what she can to minimize cabin drama. Place it in a family trust with clearly spelled out rights, and responsibilities of each sibling. Then brother can't drag the others into his projects, and take advantage of OP, who doesn't get equal use out of cabin as it stands.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Why is the onus on H, the aggrieved, and not brother? H doesn't like brother, H feels wronged by brother. OP is never going to change H's opinion of brother. Short of brother making things right with H, the best thing is to never bring up brother to H. Why poke that bear?


She isn't poking the bear. Her comments clearly indicate that it is her H that is continually bringing this up and causing entirely fruitless arguments with OP, his wife and not the person who wronged him. This is a pointless and damaging exercise that makes him look like an asshole. He either needs to let it go or at least stop bringing it up in a forum where it cannot be resolved.



> The real issue is that OP can't do that, because of this cabin. Brother stirs the pot there. OP gets dragged in. H, by association, gets dragged in. H doesn't want OP to be taken advantage of by brother. Fight starts.


It is eminently solvable and it starts with seeing them as the two separate issues that they are. Her H is choosing to react and conflate the issues and therefore completely disenfranchising OP from creating any form of reasonable solution. He needs to butt out and let her solve the issue with her brother and the cabin. But he won't because he wants an apology that he is unlikely to ever get for something unrelated.



> You say the cabin is none of H's business. That's true to a point. But the moment marital resources become involved in the cabin, it is absolutely his business. That's why my real advice is for OP to do what she can to minimize cabin drama. Place it in a family trust with clearly spelled out rights, and responsibilities of each sibling. Then brother can't drag the others into his projects, and take advantage of OP, who doesn't get equal use out of cabin as it stands.


Are his interventions doing any good? No. So he need to stop them. It really is that simple. He should be supporting OP to sort out the issue not using it to continue a grievance related to his mother's funeral.

No-one is saying what the brother did was right but this is a marriage forum and OP was asking about her marriage and the person she is married to. It is entirely possible to be wronged in life and also perpetuate behaviour that expands and escalates that damage rather than healing it and it is entirely right to call out that sort of behaviour.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

AGoodFlogging said:


> She isn't poking the bear. Her comments clearly indicate that it is her H that is continually bringing this up and causing entirely fruitless arguments with OP, his wife and not the person who wronged him. This is a pointless and damaging exercise that makes him look like an asshole. He either needs to let it go or at least stop bringing it up in a forum where it cannot be resolved.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So they're just sitting on the deck on a Sunday morning brunching on waffles, when out of the blue H starts an anti-brother rant? I don't buy it. Much more likely is brother enters the conversation another way -- say some self-decided cabin project -- H doesn't like what brother is doing and the fight escalates from there. 

Telling H to just let it go isn't going to work. It hasn't for the past 2 years why should it now? H doesn't like brother. H is never going to like brother. Given that, the best course is to make brother as out-of-site-out-of-mind as possible.

So shifting cabin issues from brother-centric to a family trust will help. The conversation shifts from "brother started project X, and we have to ... " to "the trust decided project X is needed. Our share is ... ".

I get it. From OPs point of view, she is caught between H and brother. She can't change brother, so try to change H. That hasn't worked, and wont work. From H's standpoint, this passive-aggressive, disrespectful, never-amounted-to-anything BIL keeps making drama for his wife. He isn't going to take an L from a guy like that. You're going to have to find a way to give H a win for him to drop it... then keep them far apart from each other.

My suggestion of putting the cabin in a trust is a first step in that direction.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> True. Neither has H. Yet the thread is full of posts *advising OP* to tell H to get over it.


..who has asked for our advice. I believe we have more standing to ask our spouses to do things than our siblings, but even at that, if H wants to stew over this I say let him. OP has complained he keeps rehashing it, and I feel she has every right to squelch that, following marital rules of polite at first.

As for the stuff in another thread, I will leave it in the other thread.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

KathyfromMich said:


> My H and I keep hashing over the same topic over and over again. He and my younger brother had a falling out two years ago. Younger brother was late to H‘s moms funeral. It got even worse when he confronted him over it and other then started on other issues that he had with him


Your husband isn't interested in resolving this issue. The entire point of all this is to put you on the backfoot and control you, because he knows you dislike conflict and will fold like a wet nakpin and be compliant with whatever else he wants of you in the moment. He gets mad, you do what he wants. It's working as intended, so your husband has no reason to "fix" his anger issue.

He's using the "late to mom's funeral" as a Moral High Ground Card, to justify his previous dislike of your brother. Yes it was rude of your brother to show up late, but it's not THAT much of an offense to still matter two years later. Plus one can hardly blame your brother for showing up late to be supportive of your husband, when he already knew your husband hated him. Most people have zero interest in doing things for people that hate them.

You have to make his strategy fail to get what he wants. You have to be less compliant as a result of him getting mad.

My suggestion would be next time this all spins up again, is just dial an exit and go stay the night in a hotel or something. There's literally zero point in talking to him when he's angry, because the entire purpose of him being angry is to be controlling.


And as a sad prophecy, I suspect your husband won't wake up to his role in any of this until a couple years after a divorce.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you want to be with someone who finds you embarrassing because of your brothers (that you have zero control over)?


----------



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Why do you want to be with someone who finds you embarrassing because of your brothers (that you have zero control over)?


I wonder myself. This weekend a friend confided in us about his marital problems. It wasn't a shock and too many issues with his wife to go into. I had a sense of envy from him with regards to me. He sees me working along side my husband doing home projects and his wife is absent at these times with him. Our friend shows up alone to most events now. I think he would like to have H’s problems instead of his own.
I’m not sure H sees it this way.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

KathyfromMich said:


> I wonder myself.


I'd suggest you stop with the wondering. Time to face yourself and dig deeper. The reason I suggest this is because when you were directly asked why you actually want to be with your husband, you diverted the answer to discuss someone else's situation. It has no relevance to the question posed.

Frankly, I can't wrap my head around anyone who attempts to make other people responsible for their feelings. Because from where I'm sitting, your husband sounds like a jerk. Maybe you should sit back, seriously consider why you're putting up with this nonsense, and then go from there.


----------

