# After the battle, how do heal the war wounds?



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

As the title implies, I fought the good fight. We separated, sold off our assets, and then divorced after her multiple unapologetic affairs. This is the thing though, I have had a couple longer relationships since the split, and they start off nice but in the end they fizzle. Some of this may be due to the PTSD of the whole situation with potential triggers induced by the women(like having the phone off for hours, missing time, talking to her "guy friend", etc...) However, the one component that I would like to literally call factor X is that in some deranged and twisted way I still love the women I was with for 14 years that consistently shat on me by having affairs and being mentally abusive. I know before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I see a therapist once a week, but there still is a level of disconnect between a coping strategy and understanding the cause, and actually moving on. I was hoping for some of you out there that gave in on the R and got out of Dodge, how did you finally cut that piece of your heart out. I only say this because now I am with and incredible woman, and want only the best for her. I can't find fault for a single thing that she stands for, and prior to the mind F of the last few years with my Ex-Wife I would be whole hog in love with her. It's just I feel a gap inside me and feel broken when it comes to love. I have had breakups before in my life, but I just got back on the horse and rode off to greener pastures. This time it is different, and I just can't shake my ex and the damage she did to me. I know there is no short cuts in healing, but I was wondering if any of you out there ever fully recovered after being cast aside?


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

RaisedGarden said:


> As the title implies, I fought the good fight. We separated, sold off our assets, and then divorced after her multiple unapologetic affairs. This is the thing though, I have had a couple longer relationships since the split, and they start off nice but in the end they fizzle. Some of this may be due to the PTSD of the whole situation with potential triggers induced by the women(like having the phone off for hours, missing time, talking to her "guy friend", etc...) However, the one component that I would like to literally call factor X is that in some deranged and twisted way I still love the women I was with for 14 years that consistently shat on me by having affairs and being mentally abusive. I know before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I see a therapist once a week, but there still is a level of disconnect between a coping strategy and understanding the cause, and actually moving on. I was hoping for some of you out there that gave in on the R and got out of Dodge, how did you finally cut that piece of your heart out. I only say this because now I am with and incredible woman, and want only the best for her. I can't find fault for a single thing that she stands for, and prior to the mind F of the last few years with my Ex-Wife I would be whole hog in love with her. It's just I feel a gap inside me and feel broken when it comes to love. I have had breakups before in my life, but I just got back on the horse and rode off to greener pastures. This time it is different, and I just can't shake my ex and the damage she did to me. I know there is no short cuts in healing, but I was wondering if any of you out there ever fully recovered after being cast aside?


I don't know your story, but it sounds to me like you are trying to move on too quickly. The gist I get reading all these threads is that people all heal at different rates. 

My take is you need to go a few years without getting heavy involved with someone, at least until your heart heals. 

I am newly engaged after divorcing my adulterous wife. I still love my ex-wife, and hope that she gets her act cleaned up someday, but I could never trust her again and i want nothing more to do with her. 

That doesn't devalue my love for my fience. My love for her is much deeper and more spiritually anchored than what I had for my ex. 

My advice is to quit beating yourself up. If you are not ready to give your heart over to someone 100% then you are moving too fast. You may want to go a while without dating, just to learn about yourself and become your own person again. You lost alot of your self esteem and self image during those 14 years.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Time....It's also not fair to the new gf. She will eventually want more. You'll be forced to dump her or get married again when your not mentally ready for it. Your asking for trouble. Of course I can only go on what you tell us. It's likely when your pressured to committ with your new gf, you'll change your tune to settle the issue and live with it. 
If you want to let this women in your heart and truly know where you at let her read your post. Let her know exactly where your are at. My bet is you won't because she doesn't know and your afraid you will lose her over it. 

It's only an issue if you make it one. You did. Me personally, I'm only capable of sexual relationships,brief encounters, dates. I let my dates know this in advance and so far I have no complications. I know I am not ready for anything other then a good time with a women. I'm still healing but I need people/women companionship. Usually they drift away once they truly realize I'm unemotionally available. Everything is fleeting but I do get some needs meet. I have no idea if I'm going to be like this forever, I hope not. I symphasize with you, I get it.

Some advice, catch and release for awhile.


----------



## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

It does sound like it's too soon for you. Be honest with the woman you're with. Let her know that you still feel damaged from the end of your marriage and you don't know how long it will take to heal.


----------

