# Need advice/computer to know if take action



## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I am not new to the forums, however, I have maybe one thread and a few posts. However, I found something disturbing to which I will not discuss here, I need a small bit of knowledge advice on saves on computers. If you were to find picture files in the microsoft/framework/v4.02 folder, are these pictures an auto save the internet does when on websites and such OR do pictures have to be purposely saved there. Also, when it says date modified, say you have different modified dates(including today) ,does that mean that they were saved elsewhere and redirected? This isn't porn pictures per say. I could really care less about regular old porn, but before I have a heart attack, can someone please explain?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> I am not new to the forums, however, I have maybe one thread and a few posts. However, I found something disturbing to which I will not discuss here, I need a small bit of knowledge advice on saves on computers. If you were to find picture files in the microsoft/framework/v4.02 folder, are these pictures an auto save the internet does when on websites and such OR do pictures have to be purposely saved there. Also, when it says date modified, say you have different modified dates(including today) ,does that mean that they were saved elsewhere and redirected? This isn't porn pictures per say. I could really care less about regular old porn, but before I have a heart attack, can someone please explain?


First, I'll assume that you're talking about the .NET Framework folder on a Windows 7/8/8.1 PC. If either of those assumptions is incorrect, please say so.

Based on this, I'll say that no, pictures wouldn't automatically be saved or cached there. Anything explicitly downloaded, generally speaking, is (by default) directed to the C:\Users\%UserName%\Download folder (where %UserName% is the actual user name/ID of the current user). Additionally, any files cached by a web browser will usually be in a "temp" or "cache" folder specific to the browser being used. IOW, I wouldn't expect to see any picture files in the .NET Framework folder, at least none that aren't explicitly associated w/ the installation of the .NET software.

As for the "Date Modified" timestamp, the date that gets written to a given file can depend on a number of factors. Generally speaking, this specific timestamp isn't usually updated when a file is moved. You'll note that there is also a "Date Created" timestamp, and that the two dates can (and, in many cases, often do) differ. Again, this isn't necessarily definitive of anything. Usually a certain amount of knowledge of the files and/or folders in question is required in order to draw anything conclusive from any disparity seen between the two timestamps given.

Sorry... that's probably not as helpful as you'd have liked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> I am not new to the forums, however, I have maybe one thread and a few posts. However, I found something disturbing to which I will not discuss here, I need a small bit of knowledge advice on saves on computers. If you were to find picture files in the microsoft/framework/v4.02 folder, are these pictures an auto save the internet does when on websites and such OR do pictures have to be purposely saved there. Also, when it says date modified, say you have different modified dates(including today) ,does that mean that they were saved elsewhere and redirected? This isn't porn pictures per say. I could really care less about regular old porn, but before I have a heart attack, can someone please explain?


I don't think that folder should have any pictures in it folder.

Are all the pictures there something disturbing? Or are only some them?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

It does help. These picture files are all that are found in the folder. The date modified and created are the same in most instances. That is why I asked if perhaps they were saved elsewhere and then moved. So, someone would have to direct these pictures of people, let's say, to the .net folder as the internet would not automatically store them there. I wonder if this is a hiding place for things that someone would think is safe there. As, in the wife or anyone else would not look there. It is all pictures. Lot's of them. I am asking for specific information due to the nature and person's in the pictures. I don't want to jump to any unwarranted conclusions if this is just something IE may direct temp picture files to. If it is not and most likely saved, I have to figure out how to confront the issue all together. If these pictures are specifically saved, it is not anything I ever expected to find. Your help is so appreciated.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Some are disturbing, others are what I would expect to find from this person. That is why I wonder if some temp files were created there. However, I am trying to figure out how these pictures would get mixed in from regular old sites.......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> Some are disturbing, others are what I would expect to find from this person. That is why I wonder if some temp files were created there. However, I am trying to figure out how these pictures would get mixed in from regular old sites.......


Ok, I guess I did not ask the question correctly.

Are any of the picture/image files things like elements of a web page... like buttons, or icons. things like that? Or are they all pictures that someone took with a camera of things/people of interest, like friends & family... to include the disturbing ones?

In the past, I have used directories in the windows and program files to hide things that I did not want anyone to find. It sounds like this is what is going in.

How knowledgeable is this person of computers and software?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

So no one thinks I am just making mountains out of mole hills. If I were seeing say one type of woman I didn't expect my spouse to look at, I would say..hmm variety/I get it. This is something off the charts. Not something that is easily passed by. It is life altering if these are purposely saved pictures.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, I guess I did not ask the question correctly.
> 
> Are any of the picture/image files things like elements of a web page... like buttons, or icons. things like that? Or are they all pictures that someone took with a camera of things/people of interest, like friends & family... to include the disturbing ones?
> 
> ...


Totally get what you are asking. No,they are not your bitmap type webpage snippits. It's all pictures. ALL pictures. As in pictures taken, or pictures taken and put on a website to which a person goes to to look at these pictures. Sometimes saves a favorite or two.

Not totally knowledgeable, but likes to look up ways to super secret internet cruise. Also, suspicious enough that his wife may look due to problems. I recently made him give me the password to his computer again. We agreed to transparency and he wasn't. Finally oe day in a discussion he agreed. His computer seemed way too clean, if that makes sense. I am familiar with computers and can hack y way through most times. My gut doesn't want to believe twhat it is saying to me on what I found.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> It does help. These picture files are all that are found in the folder. The date modified and created are the same in most instances. That is why I asked if perhaps they were saved elsewhere and then moved. So, someone would have to direct these pictures of people, let's say, to the .net folder as the internet would not automatically store them there. *I wonder if this is a hiding place for things that someone would think is safe there. As, in the wife or anyone else would not look there.* It is all pictures. Lot's of them. I am asking for specific information due to the nature and person's in the pictures. I don't want to jump to any unwarranted conclusions if this is just something IE may direct temp picture files to. If it is not and most likely saved, I have to figure out how to confront the issue all together. If these pictures are specifically saved, it is not anything I ever expected to find. Your help is so appreciated.


Quite possible. I used to know a guy that kept a local stash of (ahem) pics in a folder nested pretty deeply within the Windows\System32 folder. Additionally, he gave the subfolder a completely random name, gave each of the files an alternate, non-associated file extension, and used a specific app that he unlinked from the Start Menu to view the files. IOW, there was pretty much zero chance of his wife or kids finding the pics unless they were REALLY looking for them.

LOL... that's a lot of work to look at boobs!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> So no one thinks I am just making mountains out of mole hills. If I were seeing say one type of woman I didn't expect my spouse to look at, I would say..hmm variety/I get it. This is something off the charts. Not something that is easily passed by. It is life altering if these are purposely saved pictures.


I don't see how something like that could've been accidentally saved to that location.

To be clear... are the pics of the "OMG, that's disgusting" variety or the "OMG, that's disgusting, I'm calling the cops" variety...?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Quite possible. I used to know a guy that kept a local stash of (ahem) pics in a folder nested pretty deeply within the Windows\System32 folder. Additionally, he gave the subfolder a completely random name, gave each of the files an alternate, non-associated file extension, and used a specific app that he unlinked from the Start Menu to view the files. IOW, there was pretty much zero chance of his wife or kids finding the pics unless they were REALLY looking for them.
> 
> LOL... that's a lot of work to look at boobs!


There is no wy for the kids to get into his personal laptop. With that said, I am aware of his porn use and only cared when he and I were not having sex. So there is no reason to ever hide porn picsthat are favs. I know what he likes. Whatever, you know? Spend some time with me please. It's the nature of a few of the pictures I found that makes me wonder if these were purposely saved and hidden. I need to make some decisions based on that knowledge.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I don't see how something like that could've been accidentally saved to that location.
> 
> To be clear... are the pics of the "OMG, that's disgusting" variety or the "OMG, that's disgusting, I'm calling the cops" variety...?



Okay, as I don't know for sure if these were purposely saved, but leaning towards yes saved and hidden....and I don't want anyone making rash moves on me or my family as I am going to dig further myself...but regular disgusting I can handle. Does that make sense?
Could these other pictures be saved at the same time as ones he meant to save. Say like a bucket of pictures. I am at loss for words at the moment. Say, save one picture of hottie, but some how another site sneaks in some with it? Regular websites don't have pop ups from these sorts of pictures, as they would get shut down I imagine. I am thinking for these types of pictures to show, it wouldn't just be random or hack its way in through a virus with your regular porn???? I hope that could be the case.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> Okay, as I don't know for sure if these were purposely saved, but leaning towards yes saved and hidden....and I don't want anyone making rash moves on me or my family as I am going to dig further myself...but regular disgusting I can handle. Does that make sense?


LOL. Close enough for me.



loveforfamily said:


> Could these other pictures be saved at the same time as ones he meant to save. Say like a bucket of pictures. I am at loss for words at the moment. Say, save one picture of hottie, but some how another site sneaks in some with it? Regular websites don't have pop ups from these sorts of pictures, as they would get shut down I imagine.


I don't see how that could have happened unless he downloaded a .zip file or some other type of bundled file archive that included the pics.

Well... unless he just downloaded an entire web page; are you seeing any .htm or .html pages within the same directory? Are the pics saved underneath a subfolder titled "Archive", "Saved Web Page", or anything like that?



loveforfamily said:


> I am thinking for these types of pictures to show, it wouldn't just be random or hack its way in through a virus with your regular porn???? I hope that could be the case.


Eh... seems unlikely to be random or due to a hack or virus.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. Close enough for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


All saved as jpeg. All under Program (x86) /peference assemblies /microsoft/ framework does that help? If it helps I found them through a date modified for today search on the PC.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

As someone who works on a computer all day i can assure you no picture is accidently saved unless the operator of the computer saves it. Additionally your partner could have easily named a file or folder a completely different subject to throw you off his scent.

Obviously you are concrened regarding his use of the computer. I would strongly suggest you purchase webwatcher or a similiar program and install it on his computer. It will pick up everything he does. Emails, Passwords, Pictures whatever.

So sorry you are here


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> As someone who works on a computer all day i can assure you no picture is accidently saved unless the operator of the computer saves it. Additionally your partner could have easily named a file or folder a completely different subject to throw you off his scent.
> 
> Obviously you are concrened regarding his use of the computer. I would strongly suggest you purchase webwatcher or a similiar program and install it on his computer. It will pick up everything he does. Emails, Passwords, Pictures whatever.
> 
> So sorry you are here


will any of this work with all the virus detect and malware on his computer and not be detected. I cannot let on and then have him block me out again. If you can help guide me, that would be great. I want total/solid evidence before I make my move. Also, I would like to add and it may help, he does do a delete cookies/files/searches on a regular basis. As in when he logs out of IE. So, if these were cache pictures, then they would go with that no matter where they were stored right? I am sorry I am here to. Bleck, it's ike you want to go get out you weirdo, but then that logic says make sure you are correct. So, can some kinds of porn sneak in with zip file shares that someone doesn't know they are saving? My typing stinks tonight, I apologize. I am steaming and confused and completely mind jacked at the moment. Also, these are saved at different times. I want to correct myself: They are accessed and created at same time markers. The modified is always like a few seconds or a minute time stamp before that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> Totally get what you are asking. No,they are not your bitmap type webpage snippits. It's all pictures. ALL pictures. As in pictures taken, or pictures taken and put on a website to which a person goes to to look at these pictures. Sometimes saves a favorite or two.
> 
> Not totally knowledgeable, but likes to look up ways to super secret internet cruise. Also, suspicious enough that his wife may look due to problems. I recently made him give me the password to his computer again. We agreed to transparency and he wasn't. Finally oe day in a discussion he agreed. His computer seemed way too clean, if that makes sense. I am familiar with computers and can hack y way through most times. My gut doesn't want to believe twhat it is saying to me on what I found.


If you think those images were downloaded off websites, you can use an image search engine to locate the site(s) they are no. It does not always work but it does often enough to be a useful thing to try. 

https://www.tineye.com/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> So no one thinks I am just making mountains out of mole hills. If I were seeing say one type of woman I didn't expect my spouse to look at, I would say..hmm variety/I get it. This is something off the charts. Not something that is easily passed by. It is life altering if these are purposely saved pictures.


I think you stumbled on his secret photo stash. He might have more elsewhere hidden in all kinds of places.

There is no way pictures accidently end up there


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think you stumbled on his secret photo stash. He might have more elsewhere hidden in all kinds of places.
> 
> There is no way pictures accidently end up there


HE is still working, so I grabbed one more time. Went to a random porn site. Did a save as on a picture. It wanted to direct where it normally would. The pictures photo. Which means, I assume, he has to direct these pictures, and unless he is unzipping a zip file once at that location and unloading the pictures there and do not notice these other pictures, then he is directing them knowingly. I would think, if you go back to your secret picture stash, you would delete and report disturbing images? Am I making a mountain here? Maybe he hasn't noticed them? However, I am not saying anything to him. No denying anything until I have more evidence either way. UGH I feel like I was sane a few hours ago and feel like my brain has been stolen now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> All saved as jpeg. All under Program (x86) /peference assemblies /microsoft/ framework does that help? If it helps I found them through a date modified for today search on the PC.


You might want to find out if he's stashing things elsewhere as well. Do a search for .jpg, .png. My guess is that most photos would be in those formats if he's downloading them off web pages.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Oh an yes to the tineye. I will try that. I used one of my flash drives (empty) and loaded the pictures on to it. I need to compare what else ends up there and well, if he destroys it all under suspicion, I have some evidence. I can direct myself from my computer. That should work right? It's an embedded thing yes?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sports Fan said:


> I would strongly suggest you purchase webwatcher or a similiar program and install it on his computer.


I second webwatcher. Their help desk can help you install t so that it is well hidden. It uploads the screenshots and keystroke logs to your account with them online. So once it's on his computer you don't have to go onto his to see what he's up to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> HE is still working, so I grabbed one more time. Went to a random porn site. Did a save as on a picture. It wanted to direct where it normally would. The pictures photo. Which means, I assume, he has to direct these pictures, and unless he is unzipping a zip file once at that location and unloading the pictures there and do not notice these other pictures, then he is directing them knowingly. I would think, if you go back to your secret picture stash, you would delete and report disturbing images? Am I making a mountain here? Maybe he hasn't noticed them? However, I am not saying anything to him. No denying anything until I have more evidence either way. UGH I feel like I was sane a few hours ago and feel like my brain has been stolen now.


The directory where he has the photos is part of the windows operating system. There is no way that those photos ended up there accidently. 

I'm a software engineer with over 33 years experience. I'm not just guessing at this.

He has purposely saved the pictures there. If you confront him right now he'll deny it. He'll say that at least the disturbing ones must have been an accident. 

I don't know what the pictures are, but from your reaction I have a good guess. Often times people who are into the most disturbing types of porn.. the ones that cause harm to people exchange zip files of photos. They do not dare put them on the internet, at least no where they can be traced back to them.

Get webwatcher.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> Oh an yes to the tineye. I will try that. I used one of my flash drives (empty) and loaded the pictures on to it. I need to compare what else ends up there and well, if he destroys it all under suspicion, I have some evidence. I can direct myself from my computer. That should work right? It's an embedded thing yes?


I'm not sure what you mean by an embedded thing. you just go to the website. Browse to the photo you want to search for.

What I would do for evidence is to open the folder with large icons showing. then use the cell phone to get pictures of is screen. Or if you how to take screen shots you can save off screen shots.

Then go hide them deep within your operating system on your computer  Or store them on the cloud. 

One thing to be careful of is that if these are pictures of illegal acts you too can be charged if you have the photos.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> HE is still working, so I grabbed one more time. Went to a random porn site. Did a save as on a picture. It wanted to direct where it normally would. The pictures photo. Which means, I assume, he has to direct these pictures, and unless he is unzipping a zip file once at that location and unloading the pictures there and do not notice these other pictures, then he is directing them knowingly. I would think, if you go back to your secret picture stash, you would delete and report disturbing images? Am I making a mountain here? Maybe he hasn't noticed them? However, I am not saying anything to him. No denying anything until I have more evidence either way. UGH I feel like I was sane a few hours ago and feel like my brain has been stolen now.


I doubt those picture are in his secret hidey hole without him knowing exactly what is there.

This is why you need to use something that captures his actual activity.

Or just accept that he's into disturbing stuff, file for divorce and move on.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I cannot thank you enough. I will start with webwatcher. I am keeping my flashdrive for now. Either that stuff was embedded some how and I am dealing with someone who watches and looks at so much porn(i mean a lot jeebus h crunch who needs that muchso often..and I mean often) and the lesser of two evils a porn addiction...or I am dealing with someone I don't know, who lies and is disturbed and good at lying and putting on a face from day one. I will be back for support through this. I do not feel bad for violating privacy at this point. I was hoping to find some normal stuff, no cheating, no weird disturbing stuff..and call it a day and move on. BUT my gut has been going too long on the something is not right bit. I mean a long time. I figured I would find cheating if I found something sinister. I would have rather that than the greater evil. You think you know someone. It's always the sheepish one. They are good at wearing that clothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

About your flashdrive. It can be taken and easily destroyed. You might want to consider uploading it to the cloud. Or have a second on that you keep somewhere else..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily, 

Check your PM's.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could someone else have saved them? 

I once found a large file of images on our computer.

They were holiday snaps. Taken in the home country of our neighbours who had just got back home. 

We deleted the images and changed our WiFi password.

Not saying this is likely the case here but...


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Could someone else have saved them?
> 
> I once found a large file of images on our computer.
> 
> ...


He is the only one with access (except me now) to his computer. Unless, the lady next door who borrowed our wifi for a second after a bad storm uploaded them to that deep folder. I don't think so, but I see your point.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

OP, 

I am going to cut right to to it. 

There is no way a set of racy pictures are going to saved randomly into any folder. PC's do not have the ability to look at pictures of a certain type and discriminate between a naked women and a picture of a fishing boat. So if you looking it a set of photos that all appear to be same sort of thing, and not with other junk mixed in like what Elle mentioned, then you can be sure that: They where sorted, and saved by a human being.

If what you found is illegal (kids) you must tread carefully and should consider just calling the police. You become complacent if you do not report it--legally and morally, particularly if there are consequences later on.

If what you found is just extreme, gay porn, transvestite, bondage, or whatever, well thats something to take up with your husband. And you need not be so cagey about it here because we have, quite literally, have heard everything here.


Finally, you might find out more about the photos by reviewing the embedded metadata. This can tell tell information about the camera that took the photos, date they where taken, GPS coordinates of, and more. There are many options to read meta-data but if you would like I can recommend a program. 

As a side note, last week US forces in Iraq dropped a bomb on an ISIL command center based on GPS data from a selfie taken by a jihadi in the building.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

the old *.jpg *.mp4 *.mov *.zip *.rar etc wild card search can be your friend for finding all kinds of stuff remember to view large thumbnail for pics and video saves time

Also ShadowExplorer.com - About for any thing after xp with shadow copy running unless shadow copy has been cleared then you get to run a undelete program with crossed fingers


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> OP,
> 
> I am going to cut right to to it.
> 
> ...



I found all sorts of things and then the cagey part we are all on about a few. The rest, whatever. I just need to make sure that this was not accidental download before I take the next step and be the responsible party and take the measures needed. YES I would love a suggested program to find the information.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> loveforfamily,
> 
> Check your PM's.


I did. Thank you. I replied twice. One a message,the second because it did not show sent. Not sure you received either. Where I am usually good with this stuff, today I am failing at logic.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

loveforfamily said:


> I found all sorts of things and then the cagey part we are all on about a few. The rest, whatever. I just need to make sure that this was not accidental download before I take the next step and be the responsible party and take the measures needed. YES I would love a suggested program to find the information.


Photo GPS Extract
Exif Data Viewer - view&edit Exif data


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> I found all sorts of things and then the cagey part we are all on about a few. The rest, whatever. I just need to make sure that this was not accidental download before I take the next step and be the responsible party and take the measures needed. YES I would love a suggested program to find the information.


You have some programs to try from Dash. I use an expensive professional tool and I am not terribly familiar with the free stuff. 

However, I will say that if the material in question is illegal you are taking on some risk, to view, handle, or alter it in any way.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

8:iagree:Yes do not use an online tool that you have to upload to if it is kiddy pedo stuff stop right now and seek help from police maybe legal help for ro and devorce if you have kids also do not copy do not copy DO NOT COPY if that is the case grab the pc and take it to the cops


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You have some programs to try from Dash. I use an expensive professional tool and I am not terribly familiar with the free stuff.
> 
> However, I will say that if the material in question is illegal you are taking on some risk, to view, handle, or alter it in any way.


Free stuff works ok for just info the first one works with google maps its easy for gps the second one is cool it takes less time to load than adobe stuff I mostly use lightroom for raw processing and it gives the same info


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry you're in the position you are in .


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> OP,
> 
> I am going to cut right to to it.
> 
> ...


I hate thread jacks but how in the world did that knowledge become public?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> I hate thread jacks but how in the world did that knowledge become public?


Sorry 4 tj 

It has to be Dumbassery this admin leaks worse than a M2 Bradly in a car wash


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> About your flashdrive. It can be taken and easily destroyed. You might want to consider uploading it to the cloud. Or have a second on that you keep somewhere else..


Ehhh... depending on the legality of what's shown in the pics, I would caution OP to refrain from uploading them into _any_ sort of "cloud" account associated w/ a name or e-mail address that can be traced back to her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I second webwatcher. Their help desk can help you install t so that it is well hidden. It uploads the screenshots and keystroke logs to your account with them online. So once it's on his computer you don't have to go onto his to see what he's up to.


OP, make sure that you take precautions to ensure that WebWatcher (or whatever keylogger app you choose to load onto your husband's PC) isn't detected by any AV/anti-malware software that he has loaded or might run on the PC.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I will take all advice and proceed carefully. I am not going to incriminate until I have more information. I do know that he has and admittedly in the past said he got weird stuff sometimes from batch downloading from adult porn sites/legal, on occasion. When he would go to save them, they all come out and he has to clean them up. This was a while back. So, while I am leaning towards caution and not trusting, I am going to seek more information through web watcher. I would like to follow the logical course and not jump ahead too far. That would be just as bad a mistake as not doing anything at all. I plan on staying updated here, as it will keep me accountable to me and the support here is amazing. Thank you all!!! To be back soon.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

Sports Fan said:


> As someone who works on a computer all day i can assure you no picture is accidently saved unless the operator of the computer saves it.


As someone who works on a computer all day you don't really know that much about computers. 

Every time you visit a web page with pictures, those pictures are cached to your computers hard drive without any conscious effort on the part of the computer operator.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shasta said:


> As someone who works on a computer all day you don't really know that much about computers.
> 
> Every time you visit a web page with pictures, those pictures are cached to your computers hard drive without any conscious effort on the part of the computer operator.


...but not in that directory.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Ehhh... depending on the legality of what's shown in the pics, I would caution OP to refrain from uploading them into _any_ sort of "cloud" account associated w/ a name or e-mail address that can be traced back to her.


I agree. . if the photos are of illegal stuff do not upload it to the cloud. 


If you make a for your own use to find out what's what, get cheap flash drive and destroy the drive once you have the info you need.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> ...but not in that directory.


That's true but that's not what that poster was saying.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

So I can gain perspective on a couple of things here. Just need my logics in a row. I am asking a question, that has to do with this round about. Men, and I ask you because it's in relation to a man, how often would you say the average guy with potential for a healthy sexual relationship with spouse looks at pornography and plays alone? In your opinion, what is average and what is over the top and possible addiction?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just went back and reread your thread from early 2014. Is your husband still withholding sex?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loveforfamily said:


> He is the only one with access (except me now) to his computer. Unless, the lady next door who borrowed our wifi for a second after a bad storm uploaded them to that deep folder. I don't think so, but I see your point.


The neighbour accidentally logged on to the WiFi of our laptop.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Happened to me once.

Was at work. Hit the local gulf temps page. Yes really. Got malware that turned my work comp to a save place for some kind of botnet. I saw a dos box do something. Drive started grinding. Went to sys admin. In that two minutes that comp had hundreds of mp3s. Sys admin literally pulled the network cable to stop it. Took him a day to clean it.

I guess cross reference time when you know he was asleep. Note this was 2005.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> The neighbour accidentally logged on to the WiFi of our laptop.


 Worth looking into.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Happened to me once.
> 
> Was at work. Hit the local gulf temps page. Yes really. Got malware that turned my work comp to a save place for some kind of botnet. I saw a dos box do something. Drive started grinding. Went to sys admin. In that two minutes that comp had hundreds of mp3s. Sys admin literally pulled the network cable to stop it. Took him a day to clean it.
> 
> I guess cross reference time when you know he was asleep. Note this was 2005.


Unfortunately, the time stamping is when I am gone. Note: two different adventures in open within 3 hours and yes I looked as soon as he left for new pics. There were new ones saved in that directory of pretty " normal stuff". However, I took note when I reached to flash drive. It was over 100 New jpegs. So, that leaves me wondering if he is downloading someone's batch off a site and then where does that leave me with information. How do I consolidate that? Could he really have spent time intervals of 15-20 minutes saving those pictures? Or is stuff dumping in when he saves a batch for later? When I check, save a few I cannot remember times, it's different times, different dates dumped in there. Modified for one time then a minute later created then a second later accessed. I have calmed myself, as totally unwired does me know good. I am still as baffled. It's like preparing for the worst, hoping for the lesser of two bars about someone I thought I knew.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Happened to me once.
> 
> Was at work. Hit the local gulf temps page. Yes really. Got malware that turned my work comp to a save place for some kind of botnet. I saw a dos box do something. Drive started grinding. Went to sys admin. In that two minutes that comp had hundreds of mp3s. Sys admin literally pulled the network cable to stop it. Took him a day to clean it.
> 
> I guess cross reference time when you know he was asleep. Note this was 2005.


Weightlifter has a good point. Malware might be used as a means for criminals to share illegal images/files, but there is nothing like this in the wild working today that I am aware of. Though this article is a bit old it addresses these questions directly. If this is out there it is still under the radar. But it is possible for malware to turn a computer to any purpose. 

A child porn-planting virus: Threat or bad defense? - CNET

However, I am going to say that this is unlikely. A skilled criminal writing a piece of malware to conceal files would, as in this case, most certainly use a system directory to hold the files, but would also rename the file extension so they would not be so easily discovered or viewed AND store them under encryption, or at least zip them up. After all, discovery would lead to an investigation of how those files got there. They would just look like innocuous system files though the receiver of the files, be it a person or system, would know how to unpack them back into viewable images. So if this is a malware plant it is an unsophisticated one. Again I think unlikely--though possible.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I just went back and reread your thread from early 2014. Is your husband still withholding sex?


How to out this as short as possible. Well, things got a bit better. I left things alone for a while and through that there was a sort of calming. There has not been a significant increase. More like a few times within the year. Okay since fall, four times. UGH! I have instigated everyone of them too. Though I did ask if his "self" time had increased during the full on dry spell, he said it decreased. However, that was also when I had no access to his computer. Now that I do, I am seeing other wise, so I am sure that was a lie to some degree. We are both high drive people and started as such. So, I would get normal use during down times, say when he says we are too busy or that I don't instigate??? However, I am thinking if things are supposed to be getting better isnt that when the porn use would decrease. Not the opposite way it worked?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> How to out this as short as possible. Well, things got a bit better. I left things alone for a while and through that there was a sort of calming. There has not been a significant increase. More like a few times within the year. Okay since fall, four times. UGH! I have instigated everyone of them too. Though I did ask if his "self" time had increased during the full on dry spell, he said it decreased. However, that was also when I had no access to his computer. Now that I do, I am seeing other wise, so I am sure that was a lie to some degree. We are both high drive people and started as such. So, I would get normal use during down times, say when he says we are too busy or that I don't instigate??? However, I am thinking if things are supposed to be getting better isnt that when the porn use would decrease. Not the opposite way it worked?


Some men pull away from there wives and end up preferring porn. It's easier. They don't have to think about anyone else.

A sexless marriage is considered to be one with sex 10 or fewer times in the year. Men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. What you are going through is not all that unusual. 

Here is a book that might some in realizing that you are far from alone.

He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It



.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Weightlifter has a good point. Malware might be used as a means for criminals to share illegal images/files, but there is nothing like this in the wild working today that I am aware of. Though this article is a bit old it addresses these questions directly. If this is out there it is either still under the radar. But it is possible for malware to turn a computer to any purpose.
> 
> A child porn-planting virus: Threat or bad defense? - CNET
> 
> However, I am going to say that this is unlikely. If a skilled criminal writing a piece of malware to conceal files they would, as in this case, most certainly use a system directory to place the files, but would also rename the file extension so they would not be so easily discovered or viewed AND store them under encryption, or at least zip them up. After all, discovery would lead to an investigation of how those files got there. They would just look like innocuous system files though the receiver of the files, be it a person or system, would know how to unpack them back into viewable images. So if this is a malware plant it is an unsophisticated one. Again I think unlikely--though possible.


That article is full of useful information. Thank you. It doesnt sway me one way or the other, but helps me look at things inregards to what I find with a clear logical way of thinking about it. I found this interesting, as some other images on there do not line up withwhat I know,but then again I could maybe not know what I think aboutthe person anyway. I will follow a plan of action according to all advice here. I think the webwatcher will be one of my biggest assests. I will note, when I looked at a cache he forgot to clear, where it listed his know favorite porn sites, that there was nothing there that indicated a direct link to an illegal site. I wonder if I am making too much of that or if it is important. Especially after reading this article. 

quote from article I found useful: ""I've never seen it where child porn was intentionally placed on someone's computer because of a virus," Geraghty said. He has, however, seen cases where "someone was redirected to a site where it could have entered the cache." If someone were to go to a legal adult porn site, it's possible that the browser would "open 100 different windows," including some that could contain child porn. "As a result of that, any images on any of these sites would be cached, and there would be a record that you had been there." " 

So then I wonder, if he does a massive save from the cache and hasn't been back to that folder (again though why so many pictures good gravy) is he not seeing this. Of course I am not going to tell him at this time anyway. I am playing it calm here. I figure if it is innocent and something were found that pointed that way. Then that stands no matter, if forensics are good. If not, then I don't want detectability by me jumping the gun. I am thinking out loud here.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Some men pull away from there wives and end up preferring porn. It's easier. They don't have to think about anyone else.
> 
> A sexless marriage is considered to be one with sex 10 or fewer times in the year. Men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. What you are going through is not all that unusual.
> 
> ...


You know, I know its not an I am unattractive thing. First, I do not feel I am and work hard at just being a healthy me. The fact is, most of the porn he does use is similar to my looks in general, which I find odd anyway. However, if everything that I am worrying over right now holds at this time, then really the sexless thing is going to be in my court awhile.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I know I am typing a bunch at once, however, I have to say again that you folks are amazing at immediate support and it is very much appreciated.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Weightlifter has a good point. Malware might be used as a means for criminals to share illegal images/files, but there is nothing like this in the wild working today that I am aware of. Though this article is a bit old it addresses these questions directly. If this is out there it is either still under the radar. But it is possible for malware to turn a computer to any purpose.
> 
> A child porn-planting virus: Threat or bad defense? - CNET
> 
> However, I am going to say that this is unlikely. If a skilled criminal writing a piece of malware to conceal files they would, as in this case, most certainly use a system directory to place the files, but would also rename the file extension so they would not be so easily discovered or viewed AND store them under encryption, or at least zip them up. After all, discovery would lead to an investigation of how those files got there. They would just look like innocuous system files though the receiver of the files, be it a person or system, would know how to unpack them back into viewable images. So if this is a malware plant it is an unsophisticated one. Again I think unlikely--though possible.


There was a case in the UK when a computer expert hacked the computer of his lover's husband and planted child porn on his computer.

The tech the police used was good, he was able to how that all the images were loaded onto the computer at the same time.

The POSOM got jail time for the hacking and for possessing the porn in the first place.

Not saying this is the case here, but...


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> There was a case in the UK when a computer expert hacked the computer of his lover's husband and planted child porn on his computer.
> 
> The tech the police used was good, he was able to how that all the images were loaded onto the computer at the same time.
> 
> ...


I think your main point would be are there are many possibilities to consider. Some possible, but not probable. To answer any unasked questions. No, I don't have a lover, and if he does and she is planting stuff out of spite bully on him for choosing a psychotic one. I would rather it be that, and again lesser of two.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loveforfamily said:


> That article is full of useful information. Thank you. It doesnt sway me one way or the other, but helps me look at things inregards to what I find with a clear logical way of thinking about it. I found this interesting, as some other images on there do not line up withwhat I know,but then again I could maybe not know what I think aboutthe person anyway. I will follow a plan of action according to all advice here. I think the webwatcher will be one of my biggest assests. I will note, when I looked at a cache he forgot to clear, where it listed his know favorite porn sites, that there was nothing there that indicated a direct link to an illegal site. I wonder if I am making too much of that or if it is important. Especially after reading this article.
> 
> quote from article I found useful: ""I've never seen it where child porn was intentionally placed on someone's computer because of a virus," Geraghty said. He has, however, seen cases where "someone was redirected to a site where it could have entered the cache." If someone were to go to a legal adult porn site, it's possible that the browser would "open 100 different windows," including some that could contain child porn. "As a result of that, any images on any of these sites would be cached, and there would be a record that you had been there." "
> 
> So then I wonder, if he does a massive save from the cache and hasn't been back to that folder (again though why so many pictures good gravy) is he not seeing this. Of course I am not going to tell him at this time anyway. I am playing it calm here. I figure if it is innocent and something were found that pointed that way. Then that stands no matter, if forensics are good. If not, then I don't want detectability by me jumping the gun. I am thinking out loud here.


If that happened, the images out not end up in the folder where you found them.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

The river Nile. I know. Okay, another theory. If he directs the save of a batch to that folder, because it's his hidey hole, and there are many attached pictures, then they would all be there. Unawares until he visits that actual folder. Possible. I mean regardless weather is going on. Just all angels here. Sleep would be good. I should just let it rest for a few.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Instead of driving yourself nuts like this, trying to come up with possible scenarios... see what he is doing . The capability exists.

I really doubt that he is just blinding copying files to the directory and has no idea what's in there.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Instead of driving yourself nuts like this, trying to come up with possible scenarios... see what he is doing . The capability exists.
> 
> *I really doubt that he is just blinding copying files to the directory and has no idea what's in there.*


I agree.

I'm sorry you now have these images in your head . You can never unsee that. I'd be traumatized.

ETA: Actually, maybe you can. Many years ago (at least 10-11), I found some very questionable material on an online blog. I was "blog surfing", clicking "next blog" on blogspot, which brings you to random blogs. I called the FBI. However, I do not have the images still in my brain, so that's good .


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are high drive and he is too then he has definitely fell out of love with you. No normal man is going to trade a woman he is attracted to for pictures or movies. Men use porn as a release. Its better than nothing but not much. At least this is what I hear from other guys. Think of eating a great steak and compare that to just walking by a great restaurant and smelling the cooking.

Experts may call porn a sex addiction but I personally think that's silly. My definition of addiction has to include withdrawal. Have you ever heard of some one having to go to the emergency room for porn withdrawal treatment? I guess they might have nurses dress up in naughty nurse outfits but I've never heard of it. Lol

Porn is either just a bad habit or a lazy man's substitute for the real thing. In your case, IMHO, he just isn't into you or normal relationships. More likely, he just lacks mad skills.

I haven't read your other thread but you should find someone that deserves you.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

All correct. I will be able to do web watcher this week, when my personal account (that can't be seen monetary wise) has available. It will be worth it. Yes, it's a hard pill to swallow. Yes Ela, driving myself nuts. Thinking of exits as well as responsible action. This too I will get through. I guess it will just reveal more of who I am to me. Silver linings for personal self?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> If you are high drive and he is too then he has definitely fell out of love with you. No normal man is going to trade a woman he is attracted to for pictures or movies. Men use porn as a release. Its better than nothing but not much. At least this is what I hear from other guys. Think of eating a great steak and compare that to just walking by a great restaurant and smelling the cooking.
> 
> Experts may call porn a sex addiction but I personally think that's silly. My definition of addiction has to include withdrawal. Have you ever heard of some one having to go to the emergency room for porn withdrawal treatment? I guess they might have nurses dress up in naughty nurse outfits but I've never heard of it. Lol
> 
> ...


Well, the good bad news is, if this stuff was purposely accessed by him I guarantee it won't take long to give two cents whether he is in love with me or not. It stings though. Now as for pornography, he has always been a user of. I was aware. However, he has several fetish so I lean towards lazy man, easy fix and not able to have a normal a sweetly intimate relationship. He knows I will float most fancies. As I believe intimacy can come with safe and healthy exploration. I think he has desensitized himself and further will emasculate himself and possibly worse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's probably best to cut out all of the speculation and get that keylogger installed ASAP.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There was a story somewhere awhile back that said over use of porn literally left the user with something like ED or not being able to finish. Maybe his problem is fear.

Once a month is like a V-8 running on one cylinder...........useless.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> There was a story somewhere awhile back that said over use of porn literally left the user with something like ED or not being able to finish. Maybe his problem is fear.
> 
> Once a month is like a V-8 running on one cylinder...........useless.


Well we are possibly dealing with more than that issue. Oh good Lord, every opportunity he has alone, he is literally going to pornography. If I look at time stamps daily, as I have and what's being saved to that folder, he is grabbing pornography at every available moment! Now that is the smaller issue, but seriously! He has issues one way or another.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> It's probably best to cut out all of the speculation and get that keylogger installed ASAP.


Agreed! If you don't mind I may come here to growl out loud. Heh!


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## GalatiansTwoTwenty (Jun 14, 2015)

Get a hidden camera and put it somewhere in the room, and then make sure it's over his shoulder and able to see the computer screen.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> Agreed! If you don't mind I may come here to growl out loud. Heh!


Hey, that's fine. Just don't drive yourself crazy.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> will any of this work with all the virus detect and malware on his computer and not be detected. I cannot let on and then have him block me out again. If you can help guide me, that would be great. I want total/solid evidence before I make my move. Also, I would like to add and it may help, he does do a delete cookies/files/searches on a regular basis. As in when he logs out of IE. So, if these were cache pictures, then they would go with that no matter where they were stored right? I am sorry I am here to. Bleck, it's ike you want to go get out you weirdo, but then that logic says make sure you are correct. So, can some kinds of porn sneak in with zip file shares that someone doesn't know they are saving? My typing stinks tonight, I apologize. I am steaming and confused and completely mind jacked at the moment. Also, these are saved at different times. I want to correct myself: They are accessed and created at same time markers. The modified is always like a few seconds or a minute time stamp before that.


Web Watcher is completely undetecable regardless of what Anti Malware is installed.

It is easy to install once you have purchased it online. If you share a joint bank account do not purchase it from there. Either use a private one or have a trusted friend use their card then pay them in cash.

Installation is very easy once you have purchased. I am happy to talk you through it if you have any troubles.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks to you and I may come looking for help. I have a feeling someone is slightly suspicious, but cannot peg it down. I leave everything exact and delete all searches. I even make sure to leave the computer at the same level of charge. Anyway, I noticed today him leaving quite a bit very specific. Doing some major malware clean up. I also checked that folder again. Again,it is like 50 downloaded pictures every time. Every time I was gone for two hours at a time. I mean every time. That in itself is very disturbing. Its also when I am asleep. So, I know it's just not randomly going to sites at times I also happen to be gone or asleep. The computer/virus would not know that. The part that still confuses me is the amount of pictures dumped into that folder. Why would someone save that many pictures! I know I am not supposed to drive myself crazy. I have been doing my normal routine. It just struck me odd him doing that deep clean, leaving things specific (which I notice and I put back) and also the increased "love you wife" from him. I will keep doing what I do. Life does continue daily, regardless and it helps. PLUS, I will be getting the software on this week. There is no way for him to know I have been on there. Unless he has his own web watcher etc to watch to see if someone is. That would mean he has a secret email, which as he and I agreed would not exist. Okay rant done today. Curious enough, I now have a virus on my machine. Which my computer is always the clean one. HE does not have my password, as he doesn't ask for it anymore at all. I always found that interesting. His lack of interest in transparency for me. I attribute it to him "well if I don't ask for it and tell her I don't care, she wont care either" BUT now that I see strange things on my computer, recently, I am beginning to think his paranoia over himself (not to say I am not a bit on edge here myself) has him checking. Not for worry of what I do, but what I know. Okay now rant is done, really.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> Thanks to you and I may come looking for help. I have a feeling someone is slightly suspicious, but cannot peg it down. I leave everything exact and delete all searches. I even make sure to leave the computer at the same level of charge. Anyway, I noticed today him leaving quite a bit very specific. Doing some major malware clean up. I also checked that folder again. Again,it is like 50 downloaded pictures every time. Every time I was gone for two hours at a time. I mean every time. That in itself is very disturbing. Its also when I am asleep. So, I know it's just not randomly going to sites at times I also happen to be gone or asleep. The computer/virus would not know that. The part that still confuses me is the amount of pictures dumped into that folder. Why would someone save that many pictures! I know I am not supposed to drive myself crazy. I have been doing my normal routine. It just struck me odd him doing that deep clean, leaving things specific (which I notice and I put back) and also the increased "love you wife" from him. I will keep doing what I do. Life does continue daily, regardless and it helps. PLUS, I will be getting the software on this week. There is no way for him to know I have been on there. Unless he has his own web watcher etc to watch to see if someone is. That would mean he has a secret email, which as he and I agreed would not exist. Okay rant done today. Curious enough, I now have a virus on my machine. Which my computer is always the clean one. HE does not have my password, as he doesn't ask for it anymore at all. I always found that interesting. His lack of interest in transparency for me. I attribute it to him "well if I don't ask for it and tell her I don't care, she wont care either" BUT now that I see strange things on my computer, recently, I am beginning to think his paranoia over himself (not to say I am not a bit on edge here myself) has him checking. Not for worry of what I do, but what I know. Okay now rant is done, really.


I wish you the best of luck. Just remember it is very important that you keep quiet and play dumb wife for the time being.

If he thinks you are ignorant and dont have a clue he will lower his guard then he will get caught.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Paranoia is a natural reaction for someone doing something wrong. With quantity, and the content you describe, I'm guessing he is ratholing pictures for future use in the event his supply is cut off. 

Are the pictures illegal or just distasteful for a normal person?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Paranoia is a natural reaction for someone doing something wrong. With quantity, and the content you describe, I'm guessing he is ratholing pictures for future use in the event his supply is cut off.
> 
> Are the pictures illegal or just distasteful for a normal person?


Well, a couple are quite possibly illegal. Which is why I questioned if he knew those were mixed in with his big downloads or purposely went to those. Not being sure and jumping either way could have disastrous consequences. I will not let myself be complacent for many reasons. That being the main one. However, if say they were mixed in to say batches of saves, and we are dealing with sheer amount and time spent on pornography, it is still so disturbing. Let me say those pictures are a tiny percentage of what is there. He has a ton of what I would expect from him. Then there are some new things and the adult content is getting more and more graphic from where I knew he started from when we were open on this stuff long ago. Or better, what he let me know. If he were just looking at an adult site now and then and had a small favorite sections, I could handle that. Today, the anger has made room for a ton of betrayed feelings, hurt, devastation and a feeling I am not sure I can describe because I don't think I have had it before. I don't like not coming right out and saying hey...we have a problem. I stay cool on the outside. On the inside I want to throw the computer at his head and claim all pornography bad and him a pig. That's the anger being held back and restrained. I honestly think it's a pornography addiction gone really really bad. It's crossed lines and I feel it's betrayed us on so many levels. I am hurting today. I apologize for going on and on.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Do you know the credentials to log into your router? If so you could set it up to use OpenDNS to get an idea of what he's doing on the web.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

My opinion is that everyone is over thinking this. He is downloading porn and hiding it. Unless he is abusing and photographing children himself I would never suggest bringing in law enforcement though. What falls under the category of child porn with stiff sentences can be very loose, even including cartoon drawings and teens in swimsuits.

But realize that even if pics are downloaded in batch, he could then delete anything he found distasteful or wrong. Downloading and unzipping batch files does not happen on its own. He is downloading a file at a time....whether it is a single pic or a batch file.

You know what he is doing.......what more do you want to know? I would suggest you spend your time deciding how to approach him. Porn use and masterbation to it can be a hard pattern to break. I wish you luck with however you decide to deal with this.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> My opinion is that everyone is over thinking this. He is downloading porn and hiding it. Unless he is abusing and photographing children himself I would never suggest bringing in law enforcement though. What falls under the category of child porn with stiff sentences can be very loose, even including cartoon drawings and teens in swimsuits.
> 
> But realize that even if pics are downloaded in batch, he could then delete anything he found distasteful or wrong. Downloading and unzipping batch files does not happen on its own. He is downloading a file at a time....whether it is a single pic or a batch file.
> 
> You know what he is doing.......what more do you want to know? I would suggest you spend your time deciding how to approach him. Porn use and masterbation to it can be a hard pattern to break. I wish you luck with however you decide to deal with this.


I have not said anything about law enforcement. However, there is more to know. I think it's the tip of the iceberg because of other things in the marriage. It's not cut and dry. As for your scenario of someone just downloading and having illegal pictures that should not be a part of normalcy, well I disagree. That is like saying, "well they are not making or selling the heroine, they just use it". It contributes and if you have family involved, then it affects everyone. It contributes to bad things. I understand that you have to hit download or save. If you think a batch only contains naughty nurses and you get bestiality with it unintentionally, that is note worthy. I already am researching the issues and reading up on ways to approach something like this in a way that keeps off defensiveness. Still hurts. Just when to decide to rip the bandaid.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

BrockLanders said:


> Do you know the credentials to log into your router? If so you could set it up to use OpenDNS to get an idea of what he's doing on the web.


I can get into my router yes. How do I set that up?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

loveforfamily said:


> I can get into my router yes. How do I set that up?


Basically you go to OpenDNS.com and set up an account:

https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/opendns-home/

Then you download the dynamic IP updater (assuming youre using windows and do not have a static WAN IP)

https://support.opendns.com/entries...ownload-an-OpenDNS-Dynamic-IP-updater-client-

In your router you have to put in the OpenDNS DNS servers in the networking section. Here's a basic set of instructions:

https://support.opendns.com/entries/27350174-Generalized-Router-Configuration-Instructions

And here is a list of specific routers and how to set it up:

https://support.opendns.com/forums/21618374-Router-Configuration-best-for-home-use-


Basically how it works is that DNS is the service that translates URL hostnames (i.e. talkaboutmarriage.com) to IP addresses (the IP I get for talkaboutmarriage.com is 75.126.50.196). What this service does is it gives you a list of all domains visited. So you can see someone went to www.yahoo.com, but you're not going to know things like what someone was searching for or specific page names.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

BrockLanders said:


> Basically you go to OpenDNS.com and set up an account:
> 
> https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/opendns-home/
> 
> ...


What a wealth of information. Even just a website name can be useful. I will add this to my tool belt. Cosmic size thanks.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Updating, because I need to vent. Well, I am completely 100% that there is a serious porn addiction. It is distracting in ways I had not noticed before until I put two and two together. I never thought porn addictions could be something real. Oh brother are they. If you start comparing the signs, well, they are there. Now, there have not been any more of the worrisome pictures since I first checked. Just other worrisome and depraved things. Things I really never would have thought. UNTIL, I started looking into the affects of long time porn addiction. Well, it seems they need more and more and darker and darker. Which explains a lot, but does not excuse certain things. If you know you are going dark, then I feel its the adult responsibility to trust and confide in your partner. So, some of you will probably go "OH MY GOD YOU WHAT" but here it goes:

I know that he usually hits this stuff late at night or rather very early in the morning. Then anytime I am gone. I know he researches and saves pictures while I get ready to go places. SO, saving up for his misadventures. *rolls eyes* Last night I woke up about 45 minutes after he got home. HE can hear me get up. I had to take care of some things medically that come up now and then. I was in bad shape last night. I could tell when I walked past the room he was in that he had switched his screen quickly. I recognize that and that is nothing new. SO, I too care of my business. Then made it sound like I got back into the bed. I was able to quietly, save a popping ankle ( I will get to the hilarity of that in a moment) sneak around the corner and see exactly what was on his screen. I kid you not, for 45 minutes I stood there quietly and watched him flip through porn site after porn site, picture after picture to do his business. I also caught glimpses of him saving pictures, to which i verified today that they went to that folder that started this all for me. Finally, he accomplished his goals. I went back to the room. I stayed there a minute and then came back out as if I needed something else. Oh, he acted all like he had just woken up. As if he had fallen asleep on the couch for a bit watching TV after I went back to bed. Talked about how the cat was meowing in his face and such. He really had no idea. Now, to know he is purposely hiding this (which we knew already but confirms the depth) is confirmation I needed. Now, to the popping ankle. While I was standing there, if I shifted my ankle would pop. You would see him suddenly stop, listen and switch screens. I found it funny as he had to stop what he wa doing. The time spent on this equals all the amounts of time for picture saves. He kept having to dig for more and more to accomplish his goal. Now I know it's easy for him to outright lie to me. Which he always said, well baby I am not a good liar. HEH! This just goes along with something I found out over the last few months about when we were dating as well. Not going into that story today. HE also ha been saying that he has not been going to porn often. Maybe three four times a week just to get release when we haven't been able to. Of course, that feels like him rewriting our history from the last year. I also am beginning to see where he gaslights. I never thought I would be in the position to talk to someone about porn addiction. Never has porn bothered me. Its the amount, the deceit. Its him having his own secret sex life outside of me. I wouldn't see it that way before, but geez. If he is going darker, it needs to stop now. Now, do I confront on these things. I still don't know where all he visits or if it is possible he has crossed over into webcams, chats etc. DO I keep building evidence so that I am sure I know everything? I mean, hindsight, the writing was all over the wall before we got married. I , however, chose to believe I was marrying a kinky person (which I can appreciate in a loving relationship...as I myself), and a high drive person. I never saw some of it as him acting out his fantasies for his own selfish needs. Now I wonder. What is my relationship built on. I know more history is probably needed, but I have barraged you guys enough today I guess. thanks for listening/reading. Oh an yes, to some degree I feel like I am betraying him by saying things in detail here. I don't know where else to turn right now. I know some of you probably feel its despicable I stood there. It was an opportunity to see how much it took for him and why so much time on it always, with my own eyes..


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I do want to add a couple of things. That while he saw me get up the first time and did take the moment to ask me if I was okay, to which I applied it's bad, but I will be. HE didn't seem to let worry for his wife detour his needs. that is hurtful. Maybe it shouldn't be, because I said hey its bad, but you know I will get through. I would think some part of his brain would switch to worry, not stay on ooohhh porn need to get off. This past week, in waking hours, he has tried to be more loving (in his way). Like over the top suddenly. Thoughts on these as well? anyone?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know your marital history but his "problem", "addiction"..., sounds pretty bad. I can't tell by your posts what he is looking at but it no matter what he is doing (even if it were a completely innocent hobby, he spends less time with you. AND yes, he is lying constantly to you. 

Basically, I could not handle the deceit. I don't think he will or possibly can change. 

It sounds lonely with you in one room not feeling well and him in another doing gosh knows what and lying about it. 

If he is into kiddy porn or something illegal, I would get legal consultation. I don't know marital laws regarding this. 

I would like to read your original story if I can find it. 


On a side note and small paragraph thread-jack. Is there a programmer here that can PM me so I can ask some career advice. Thank you. 

LFF, you are a strong woman. I could not hold it together as well as you have been.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

intheory said:


> This is a somewhat disturbing statement. Hopefully, I'm misunderstanding. Please, let's not get lax on child pornography, it should be discouraged in every way shape and form.


I agree. Even owning and saving is illegal so, I don't get what that means.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

intheory said:


> loveforfamily,
> 
> I am so sorry for what you are going through. You must feel sick. That weird burning-going-to-vomit feeling in your chest. Also, you probably feel like life is kind of surreal right now. Maybe you have thoughts like , "Is this actually happening" "Am I here seeing this for real?" It can almost feel like you are outside your body a little bit.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your words. Kind, supportive and dosed in reality was a brain flush the old brain needed today. I am not sure how much it is worth to stay. Today, to keep my mind from stalemate, I did start looking into better financial security. Yes, it's that burning, jittery and yet surreal feeling. I am a fighter. So, strength despite myself does sneak in. It almost doesn't let me feel some emotions I probably should.I am also looking deep in myself. Why do I pick these type of people. I thought he was different. Well, he is but just a different sort of abuse on himself and the one he is supposed to love. My ex husband was an emotionally, push the line to physical abuser and an alcoholic. So, finding myself at a crossroad again and so soon into marriage is a bit disturbing. I am not to full of pride to say it's a lot about my choices. I am angry at him, myself and the cosmos at the moment. Thank you again for your supportive words.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

You know, what I do not get is how someone can have a tender heart in what they do and help with what they see in their line of work, and turn around and get darker and darker and pull away more and more. Like I said, I can see some writing now, but the really really good things from the beginning, they have all faded away over time. Could it be in direct relation to the porn addiction? Is that even possible? If we are dealing with addiction, and I still feel in my heart to fight for it all, would it be wise and okay to do so? Could he be addicted and disturbed, and not crossed other lines? Like any addiction, say a drug addict, they fall further and further and eventually they do more for their means to get drugs. Eventually, stealing etc. I know it doesn't all end this way, but I feel the signs are their that unless he gets up out of this hole, he will just get worse. Thinking on all this, he just isn't a happy person at all. Says the world is an ugly place and its hard to carve a piece out anymore. I love him. That goes without saying. The hurt doesn't let me deny that. SO, do I reach in and help pull him up and show him what is wrong. Show him he is not even close to the person he was a few years ago? Help him see the parts that have been there that led to this road, but help him remember the good? That its not the world but his views and his addiction. It still feels weird calling it all an addiction. It feels surreal indeed. I am fighting denial and I want to say well those 15 or so questionable pictures snuck in there. *raises hand* I know I know. At least I recognize that. Even without those, the rest just shows the darkness seeping in. Over thinking. Yes, that's me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How are you going to do that? 

Have you ever dealt with a drug addict or alcoholic. The one thing I learned is that when a person becomes addicted, their substance is their first love. They will do anything for it.

If you are even consider trying to help him then you need to go get counseling with someone who helps in these situations. Just your love will not do a thing. 

The very first thing that has to happen is that he has to hit rock bottom.

What is happening is that he has become obsessed. Over time it leads to depression and other mental health issues. You say that he's seeing the world as a very dark place. That's because he's put himself in a dark place. 

He has to hit rock bottom. You have to force this. How? Gather your info so you can prove beyond a doubt what he's up to. Go to counseling to get help for yourself. Then once you are ready confront him with the evidence. Then tell him that you are leaving him. If he begs, etc. Tell him that you will consider working on the marriage if he will do certain things.... A counselor can help you with this list. Here are a few items for it.

He has to go to counseling for porn use and sexual addiction. You have to be involved at some level with this therapist so that you know what to do.

Marriage counseling for both of you.

He has to agree to a key logger on his computer for the rest of your marriage. This is because he will try to circumvent things and continue his activities in secret. As soon as you stop monitoring him, he will start it up again (most likely)

He never, ever again uses porn.

If you catch him lying once, then you will leave him. (he will lie a lot so think of how you will word this.)

There is a chance that he will shape up the first time you confront him.

But it's more likely that it will take some time with counseling, relapses, you becoming a super snoop. ... etc.

Think real hard about what you want the rest of your life to look like.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

intheory said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > My opinion is that everyone is over thinking this. He is downloading porn and hiding it. *Unless he is abusing and photographing children himself I would never suggest bringing in law enforcement though. What falls under the category of child porn with stiff sentences can be very loose, even including cartoon drawings and teens in swimsuits.
> ...


.....its only disturbing if you think the worst of me. While not defending the offense.....I am suggesting that in some cases treatment rather than 10 years in a federal prison is a preferred path. You can certainly disagree with me....but you do not have my permission to attack my character. I am not weak on law enforcement...having recently retired from a 32 year career as a federal law enforcement officer. 

If there is indeed anything illegal on this particular computer.......the OP will certainly have to decide between her husband being treated for sexual addiction versus calling cops and seeing him in federal prison (no parole) for 10 to 20 years. That is not a choice any of us would enjoy dealing with. This is real life for her....please remember that.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Rather than doing a full quote.....I will just say that elegirl seems to have great advice for the OP. This type of addiction just doesn't seem to get better on its own.....and research seems to show that as time goes on.....the addict needs increasing exciting/shocking photos to be able to get/maintain an erection. Tough stuff to deal with. But it can and is successfully treated.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> .....its only disturbing if you think the worst of me. While not defending the offense.....I am suggesting that in some cases treatment rather than 10 years in a federal prison is a preferred path. You can certainly disagree with me....but you do not have my permission to attack my character. I am not weak on law enforcement...having recently retired from a 32 year career as a federal law enforcement officer.
> 
> If there is indeed anything illegal on this particular computer.......the OP will certainly have to decide between her husband *being treated for sexual addiction versus calling cops and seeing him in federal prison (no parole) for 10 to 20 years.* That is not a choice any of us would enjoy dealing with. This is *real life for her*....please remember that.


Thanks for bringing this discussion to reality.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I have to be careful to not go on rants about the unfairness of the federal prosecution system. Prosecuters are so often mostly concerned about their conviction rate.....and pick up the easy cases and folks without the money to match the unlimited federal resources. Most would be frightened to know how hard it is to get them to take difficult but significant cases...ugghhhh.

But for op......she really needs an intervention.....not confrontation.....and have things lined up for him to start some type of therapy. I feel for her.......but it sounds like her husband has a lot of good in him.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Shasta said:


> As someone who works on a computer all day you don't really know that much about computers.
> 
> Every time you visit a web page with pictures, those pictures are cached to your computers hard drive without any conscious effort on the part of the computer operator.



Yeah. My first thought was malware (bot maybe?) using to phish.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE said:


> Yeah. My first thought was malware (bot maybe?) using to phish.


Keep reading, this is addressed.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

So, I know this thread should be considered a "dead thread", however, it's a continuation to my story here. I come back now and then and read others posts about what they are encountering in life. I read advice, I search for what...I am not sure. Maybe I have not posted on my own thread in a while, because I have possibly been in denial or just a state of shock at where I am at in life. I wish I had better update to things. What I would like to do is vent. Ask a few rhetorical questions, possibly get some good old TAM advice or insight from others'. I just know I am back to post. I am thinking of a way to do this brief as possible. Not to take up too much time. So, I think maybe a point by point to catch yup, update and add to. 

1. I finally confronted my husband on the original issue in this thread. This has several points to it. If I remember correctly, I did this about two weeks after my last post here. I had had enough of the lying. I noticed that he always had his work schedule up. So, one night I came in and said , "I see you are looking at your schedule again. I have never seen anyone pay such close attention to their schedule. I would almost think you have it up as a go to to hide whatever else you are doing." To which he replied, "I am sick of your suspicions. I can't live this way." I advised then, that he should probably stop lying and actually tell the truth so we can get somewhere. He tried the stonewall tactic for a moment, per usual, but this time actually let the wall drop. We had about a six hour conversation about his porn addiction. Why he had so many images stored. Why there was some of the more obvious questionable stuff. What I gleaned from all of it, is that it was not all about a turn on. It was not all about sexuality. Some of it was just seeing what was out there. The wanting to see and know all about everything that exists in the world. He still claims today is the biggest problem, on top of his other issues. So, we discussed he had to stop. We had to find out the underlying problem, he had to get counseling and that because of all the lying, what I had seen, the trust issue that now exists..he would have to do a lot of heavy lifting both in his life and in our marriage. He expressed remorse. That he knows he never could touch porn again AT ALL EVER. I asked how he could let me go on so long, stonewalling, gas lighting and such when he saw how much hurt it was causing me...he said it was shame that. That the shame he felt both fueled the addiction as well as made it hard to admit it was there.

2. Fast forward. I had complete access to his computer. I would check it everyday. I did this until I could afford a program to install. Which webwatcher now exists on his laptop. I would still make checks, because I have found that even that program misses A LOT. Not to mention that in my joy that we were being open and my fear for what may not come, or will show up, I did not think of external acess. DUH!!!!! What was I thinking. I had not insisted he get rid of any and all possession of anything non computer related. PLUS, aside from what I had access to and destroyed, I did not know what else he had in boxes in our storage. I have found a few things just by checking directly and by walking in on him since D day? Would you even call it a D day? Not sure.

1. Found a couple of of obscure downloaded films. Found them by clicking back on his winplayer....yes, and I did not know, but that stores a lot one would not know about. Had found images that have shown up through search on computer. Just once on that. In same day though, both of these were found. However, for different stamps of time. Time stamps and create dates are one's friend. Confronted him on both. BOTH were accidents, he wasn't going to admit to doing anything wrong when he did not. He isn't sure how that got there. (rolls eyes) ...Same day I confront him on these things, I have to take both kids for a couple of items at the store. (so May was first d day.....this instance is in September...months later.....) I pick the oldest up from school (by the way he was working nights at this time) My oldest advises something needs to be picked up from home. I swing back by the house. THANK GOODNESS I am the one that goes in. Something in my gut told me, as I approached the door, to open it fast. SO, I unlock it, open it fast and see him making a mad dash for the living room tv. He did not make it on time. What I see is a big old cooch, right there..a lovely porn on the TV. NOT five minutes after I left the house. His excuse. ALl our talk about the porn addiction triggered him some how and that was his absolute first relapse. Um, sure. What caused the talk in the first place, PORN. Porn you say you don't know how got on your computer. Followed by profuse apologies. Followed by me "I have stuff to do, expect time set aside to talk about this later."

2. Same old talk. Into November, I am watching the webwatcher. I see that he has several searches on and several views to youtube "web models". I confront him the next day. Again, I am not sure how that got there. Oh wait, yes I do. I was going through some of my subscriptions and the search option auto filled in and my computer is broken and it must have bugged out. I didn't watch any of that. (rolls eyes again). Another talk. Not to mention all the talks before. All the one's that end up in me talking about heavy lifting. Which includes finding himself a counselor. That it is not my job to fix him. I can support real efforts and continue to find value in fixing the marriage. BUT I cannot fix what is broken in him. 

3. No other hits on webwatcher or when searching his computer. HE has not destroyed any and all things related to porn. I said I want to do that with him. He says okay, but he does not take the time to say now is the day let's do this. Since, his computer started getting worse ( mind you it is only 2 years old) I could swear he made it bad on purpose. He has another lap top now. This is within the last month. I have not had access to it, do to availability with it to place on webwatcher and to be honest, I have not foudn the need to go and look ( this is something I could discuss about where my mind is now later) Also, the question will pop in your minds.."Why did you let him have another laptop" Well, I did not. His dad was not using his and my H mentioned his malfunctioning. So his dad (not knowing any of his issues) gladly gave his because he does not use it. My H will say he will gladly check his computer in and out etc. YET he takes it to work everyday (by the way, he is back to working days now).

3. He has not sought counseling. Anytime I talk to him about these things or the state of our marriage. He says that he is in love with me. He wants this family (which he does spend time with the youngest, but the oldest is his step daughter and they now have a horrid relationship...side note he says I dote too much on her..maybe I do..an issue I need to work on, I dote on both the kids, he find s problems in everything my oldest does) His reasoning behind where he is. He feels shame. We cannot afford counsel. He doesn't believe counseling works. He has stopped all porn use and figures that should help build trust. He does not know if he can do the heavy lifting as he does not know what to do or that he has it in him to do it. HE is not connected to life around him (depression I am sure) . He hates living in a concrete jungle. He is not living the life that makes him happy, outside of his family Of course..........
He has trouble just facing what he has to do each day to live life and survive. So, he sadly has nothing left at the end of the day to try and figure anything out. That it is hard to work on things when I am not so nice to him myself. When I am unhappy. When I am not doing MY part. I tell him I understand I am not always nie. It has to do with my view of him at this time. That I could choose beter actions and be nice or at least indifferent at this point. I could give him peace, but at what cost. That we will not get to that land in the country if we do not come together in our marriage. That we will not reach goals we have had without support to, with and around each other. That when our marriage strengthens so will our chances of success to common goals. It's always the same conversation. Always the same things he says. He doesn't know what to do, but wishes he did. Of course then the conversation turns angry when I tell him, that heavy lifting is called that because it is when you are doing more than what would normally be your fair share no matter the circumstance.

4. Okay these are small details, maybe big ..they are important to me. SO, i all my snooping before what I will call D day, I found emails where it showed he talked to his ex of 11 years far longer and in far more emotional/relationship status, than originally admitted. AND into our relationship. In the last year or year and a hlf, his dad has rekindled a friendship with her. The reason my His not to have one with her is she cannot accept his life as is. She wants more. I tried to explain why it was wrong for his dad to actually have a relationship with her, when he should work on one with me...it gets right down to and this is probably true..I am not here to tell anyone who they have a relationship with. Well, outside my marriage. I did set the boundary that his dad says nothing to her about us. PERIOD. Every time he says anything about Scott, she finds a reason to text him. Why my H doesn't have her blocked is beyond me. They were never married. They share nothing, not even kids. Is this small fries, probably, but still bothers me. We have had sex maybe 20 times in the last year and a half. SEXLESS marriage with two high drive people. I think he counts tweaking my butt or boob as he walks by some sort of foreplay. While normally, for me, it is! When he is doing no other work it isn't. I get we have kids. I get that makes it hard BUT seriously. We do not sleep in the same bed. Part of that is my fault. The toddler sneaks her way in. However, him not sleeping in there started over a year and half ago. He would spend 80% of his time making his way to the couch. 

I know this is disjointed and probably hard to read. I am writing this at heightened emotions. I had my first real full panic attach last night in years. There are other things. Other details. I find right now I am at a loss for words. He says he loves me. He says he does not want to lose me. He says he just wants what is best for us. However, a lot of other words and actions depict otherwise. Strangle me if I come off as a victim. I do not feel like one. I hope I do not come off as one. I am trying to decide, am I in an abusive situation? I know I have let things go on far too long. I need a vent. I appreciate you taking time to listen. Any input is welcome. I am sure because it is disjointed, there will be questions. I will answer anything. Believe me, it is not lost on me that in four months we will be approaching a year since D day. Respectfully, broken, confused, angry as hell! AND Sad. Wondering what else he is hiding ALWAYS. Wondering if the pictures that were really bad, are still an issue to concern my with. Wondering who I married. SEX was great before we got married...then bam feels like a switch and bait. I bond through physical a lot. I know it is also small fries to the bigger picture, but still part of it. Okay, flat out lost....


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How are you going to do that?
> 
> Have you ever dealt with a drug addict or alcoholic. The one thing I learned is that when a person becomes addicted, their substance is their first love. They will do anything for it.
> 
> ...



Want to tell you that these words were/are wise. They slam into my brain more and more every day. Never have I forgotten what you made me ask myself here. Thank you. It helps me dig deeper into what I am made of or need to be made of. Maybe not quickly, but has had an affect.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

loveforfamily said:


> So, I know this thread should be considered a "dead thread", however, it's a continuation to my story here. I come back now and then and read others posts about what they are encountering in life. I read advice, I search for what...I am not sure. Maybe I have not posted on my own thread in a while, because I have possibly been in denial or just a state of shock at where I am at in life. I wish I had better update to things. What I would like to do is vent. Ask a few rhetorical questions, possibly get some good old TAM advice or insight from others'. I just know I am back to post. I am thinking of a way to do this brief as possible. Not to take up too much time. So, I think maybe a point by point to catch yup, update and add to.
> 
> 1. I finally confronted my husband on the original issue in this thread. This has several points to it. If I remember correctly, I did this about two weeks after my last post here. I had had enough of the lying. I noticed that he always had his work schedule up. So, one night I came in and said , "I see you are looking at your schedule again. I have never seen anyone pay such close attention to their schedule. I would almost think you have it up as a go to to hide whatever else you are doing." To which he replied, "I am sick of your suspicions. I can't live this way." I advised then, that he should probably stop lying and actually tell the truth so we can get somewhere. He tried the stonewall tactic for a moment, per usual, but this time actually let the wall drop. We had about a six hour conversation about his porn addiction. Why he had so many images stored. Why there was some of the more obvious questionable stuff. What I gleaned from all of it, is that it was not all about a turn on. It was not all about sexuality. Some of it was just seeing what was out there. The wanting to see and know all about everything that exists in the world. He still claims today is the biggest problem, on top of his other issues. So, we discussed he had to stop. We had to find out the underlying problem, he had to get counseling and that because of all the lying, what I had seen, the trust issue that now exists..he would have to do a lot of heavy lifting both in his life and in our marriage. He expressed remorse. That he knows he never could touch porn again AT ALL EVER. I asked how he could let me go on so long, stonewalling, gas lighting and such when he saw how much hurt it was causing me...he said it was shame that. That the shame he felt both fueled the addiction as well as made it hard to admit it was there.
> 
> ...


I am quoting myself here. I want to add that on top of it all, where I tried to forgive him for something he did in the past, I find it hard and the incident keeps bringing itself to mind again. About a year and a half ago at one of our failed attempts at intimacy again. We began talking witheach other in a sexual manner to which would maybe spice things up again. However, in this time he expressed a desire for one of his fetishes. Now, previously we had taken pictures and such with each other. A lot of photographs of me, nude and dressed to "please" him. Something I was never comfortable with before. BUT became so because of the trust I HAD in my H. Well, on the same day we discuss the fetish, he decides to post me on a website that catered to it. Nude pictures complte with a married profile with us. Then proceeds to contact a coupleof the other girls on the site. Signing it as he an I in PM's about making friends withthese interestes etc. NOW my gut is pretty good on some things. i happened to do a search because my gut was kicking. Searched for things heis emails were atached to. It brought up that site. Not hours after he posted that and created the account. I knew what the password would be, so I went into it, quickly took down my pictures (which were taken originally under the trust that they were for us not anyone else) and confronted him. He said that he was going to tell me about it. That he should have asked first etc etc . That he contacted those girls as us, a married couple, so that we had some guidance on that site. When ever I bring this up, he can never do anything but I said I was sorry. It was a misguided attempt at intimacy for us. Anyway, I figure that may be helpful to more insight. See, I just do not know where gaslight ends and his real problems with depression begins. I want to be supportive in his battle for somethings, but in the mean time I question if I am actually just supporting his ability to gaslight me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I notice that both of your lengthy posts are strangely devoid of what you intend to do about it.

That is really the only question left.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I notice that both of your lengthy posts are strangely devoid of what you intend to do about it.
> 
> That is really the only question left.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


You are correct. I was so sure of the things I thought I could/would do. Sorry for the lengthy posts. I Think I am trying to see/distinguish, what is worth saving and what is not. Can it be saved? Should I try and save it? Am I still missing one more big piece? Do I need anymore than what I have to call this marriage a loss? Is he showing any willingness? Am I missing something good from him in this or just being a Bi**h? There are days I wake up and say, okay..I will give this my earnest attention. I will be kind, patient and loving. Treat him as I want to be treated. It's like he senses that and sabotages. So, then in my head, I say screw this. 180 degree. Turn it around. Make my individual life better. Let him follow lead or jump ship. Leave on my own terms. You are right. Lengthy stuff. I still have that stupid feeling I am missing a point. Maybe it is the idea that I do not see marriage as trash to be thrown out. Who knows. I know he needs counseling. I know he needs to heavy lift and I find no excuse okay for not at least trying. If I route my life, it would be finish my education, get the sort of life going I want and move on. Try and be a co parent with him outside of a marriage. I am terrified I will wake up in yet another year, in the same place.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

LVF, some people can't be "fixed," especially when they don't want it. He has refused every attempt on your part (you're a saint, by the way), to try and fix this relationship. If I posted pics of my wife, without permission- she would be gone for good...and I wouldn't blame her a bit. He's almost trying to get you to leave now.

It's time to go


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

41362 said:


> LVF, some people can't be "fixed," especially when they don't want it. He has refused every attempt on your part (you're a saint, by the way), to try and fix this relationship. If I posted pics of my wife, without permission- she would be gone for good...and I wouldn't blame her a bit. *He's almost trying to get you to leave now.
> *
> It's time to go


That is right about my thinking. I have mentioned this to him. He says no, no I am not. I do not want to lose you. I say, well then do something. Him: he does not know what to do. It's cruel, but I have even stated he needs to grow a pair and take some control of life and show what he has passion for. Whether it is me or not. You re right. A lot of people would be gone after the posting pictures infraction. I saw it as a really bad choice on his part. Horrible breech of privacy and trust, however, decided to reconcile(would you even call it that?). The more he does not focus on us in any manner, the more that infraction becomes too real.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Only he can choose to save himself from his addiction.

You have to choose whether you will allow him to drown you at the same time you are playing lifeguard for him.

And there is no need to apologize for your long posts. You clearly needed to get it out.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

loveforfamily said:


> That is right about my thinking. I have mentioned this to him. He says no, no I am not. I do not want to lose you. I say, well then do something. Him: he does not know what to do. It's cruel, but I have even stated he needs to grow a pair and take some control of life and show what he has passion for. Whether it is me or not. You re right. A lot of people would be gone after the posting pictures infraction. I saw it as a really bad choice on his part. Horrible breech of privacy and trust, however, decided to reconcile(would you even call it that?). The more he does not focus on us in any manner, the more that infraction becomes too real.


I would not call it "reconcile"....I would call it "forgiveness," by you (more times than you can count)... it takes more than one to reconcile. At this point you can save yourself, or not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveforfamily said:


> 3. He has not sought counseling.


This is all I had to see. He PROMISED you he would go to counseling. 

Then he didn't.

Send him packing. Make him EARN the right to be back in y'all's lives, after a LOT of therapy. And IIWY, I would tell his parents exactly WHY you have kicked him out.

There is no place in such a situation for making things easy to lie and slide and NOT do the work.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> OP,
> As a side note, last week US forces in Iraq dropped a bomb on an ISIL command center based on GPS data from a selfie taken by a jihadi in the building.


Wow. Cool.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do.


:bsflag:

SOURCES!!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Shame is a powerful driver of porn addictions. I've struggled with porn use too, and it's not really about the porn. It's driven by shame about my desire. 

If your H grew up in a dysfunctional family he may benefit from a program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's helped me understand the driver of my shame, and helped me to raise my true feelings to the surface. 

You need to decide if you can tough out that journey. If he actually puts in the work, it will still take years. And he will backslide. 

That's only if he steps up and puts in the work. If he insists he can do this without therapy or a program, run. He is deluding himself and you are wasting your time waiting on him to become the man you know he can be.

If he does step up, be ready to deal with any of your own baggage. As he heals, it's going to change the dynamics of your relationship. 


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