# Feel like I am having a mid life crisis at 23



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

****, I am lost, feels like a midlife crisis and I am only 23.
Ive got a marriage/career problem and its effecting me at work at home, in my marriage and everywhere I go.

In short here is my story.

I was 14 years old and became obsessed with martial arts..its all I really cared about...did it for almost 3 years and got totally sick of it...took a break, began craving it again, so I began kickboxing, got totally hooked on it, but after a while hated it some days loved it other days. Didnt care much for school or careers, thought I was gonna be a pro fighter. My trainer/coach totally believed in my and started getting me in matches which I would always get stage fright, I have always been nervous when I am infront of a large group, but I loved the fighting aspect, lots of the training, hitting pads, sparring, absolutely love that part and honestly felt always that this is what I was meant to do. So I graduated from high school with no major, focused only on fighting, worked just to pay bills...after a few more months quit fighting, loved just working out by myself and training by myself...after a few months started feeling useless, hated my job...felt like I was going nowhere, so started training again with the same trainer...I felt better than ever after a few more months of training, and had eight more amateur fights, winning half of them, losing only to decisions, the losses I always felt were only due to getting scared of being in front of a big audience, or performing in front of a crowd, never got seiously hurt or knocked down, loved the fight aspect, loved training, and always knew that I was alot better than I displayed during fights, in training I was rock solid, in fighting I had a hard time feeling the same way. During sparring usually felt like I was unbeatable, even when I was sparring with full agression, like no light punches or kicks, and I loved it. When it came to fight day I got nervous, usually not from the opponent, but scared of not performing to my talents. 

I always felt that my coach was an awesome coach, but thought some of his training methods were useless, I know I could always keep myself in way better shape training by myself..fact is he has never fought in the ring...so he doesnt know what that part is like...but he wants all his guys to fight after only a few months of training....I believe hes a great techneque trainer, but horrible at being in the corner, and at managing when you fight. His advice is horrible on fight day, for example he will say eat at lunch time, then dont eat anything else...then when I fought at 10 pm my stomach was growling, hadnt slept the previous night, lost the fight by decision, felt it was due to fatigue from not sleeping and not eating during the day. I always blamed him for that in my mind. That was my first fight.

Thats just an idea of what my coach/trainer is like.. so I quit again after 2 and a half years...got married, kept working the same pay cheque to pay cheque job, began enjoying the job a little more but thought I could do more with my life...but never had an interest for anything but working out, fighting, videogames, and spending time with my wife....After being away from fighting for almost 4 years I have gone I feel a little crazy...I crave it so much and feel I could really make it far doing it...my wife does not think its a good idea. I went back to training again with the same coach(the only one close to where I live), first day back felt in better shape than ever, during sparring I felt like I had improved alot even though all I did during the last three years was work, was married, and work out at the gym 4 times a week. The routine I do is no body builder routine, instead its a hybrid of body building, strong man workouts, and lots of mma type of training, with some running...so I feel like I am in great shape, way better than before...first day back at training my coach totally accepts me, and right off the bat talks about putting me in more fights, how I am a fighter, I cant keep running away from it etc etc.....now I have this love hate thing with it again...I feel I love training doing my routines, I believe that I am in great shape, I have found out that fighting is 90 percent mental, and have trained my mind to be aggresive and have a destroy mentality, I feel like I am untouchable when it comes to fighting....I know nobody is..but I am also very spiritual and believe this is my gift and what I am supposed to be doing...but its huring my marriage...and I hate have the road paved for me by that trainer...just thinking of him pisses me off....I could go train elsewhere, but that would hurt my marriage even more, plus my wife would never see it usefull. At times I dont even want to think about fighting, I hate thinking about it...so I resort to focusing on my work...my wife...watching sports, playing videogames...but deep down inside me it tears me up that I am not out there competing...even though I hate the thought of it and feel sometimes like its a complete waste of time....I hate feeling controlled by a trainer...honestly, this is no bull****...I know I am in great shape, and could be really really good...I know because after only doing my own routines for three years and going back to training kickboxing, I pushed a guy around that I had trouble with 3 years ago. He has been training for over 5 years and is always one of the top students....for fun we decided to spar full contact, no taking it easy...and I felt that I had improved like crazy, and felt as though he hadnt improved at all...

I know this is not a martial arts forum, but this whole thing is affecting my marriage, so I thought I would post it here. Can anyone here relate to this at all? What do I do?
Pretty much to sum it all up...I ****ing hate kickboxing, I hate fighting...I ****ing love fighting, I love Kickboxing...I absolutely Love my wife...Think my job is ok, but not a career thing...any schooling would be too expensive, plus I would spend most of my time thinking of fighting anyways...I dont know what I am supposed to do in this life...I believe in god...dont know why I am this way, but feel this that fighting might be my gift, or maybe just being a simple married guy with a simple job is all I am supposed to be..loving everyone around me...I really dont know...I have talked to some people...none in the depth, but I really feel like I am wasting my life away..and I am only 23...who knows how long I am going to be alive...what the hell do I do?

Thank you for any response...


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

It's a bit hard to read through that, but can you focus on how your training bothers your wife? Is it the time away from home?
Does she think it is pointless? Do you act more aggressive when you've been fighting?

Just trying to understand the situation better.

I am responding to your post because of my own background in martial arts. I trained in karate for about 6 years and actually met my husband at karate class. So of course, we were very supportive of each other in that area.

From my observations of other students who were in a long-term relationship, generally those who lasted and excelled either: their spouse/partner also trained or their spouse/partner was supportive of their pursuit. 

It was very difficult for those with a partner who was less than understanding (not saying it was the partner's fault - the whole relationship may have been difficult) to spend the required training time to improve, and to not quit prematurely.

But you have to be able to balance the time spent training with the time spent with your wife and making sure her needs are met. 

Are there areas that she is interested in and you are not? How do you respond to her? What does she do with her time?

Please give more details about your relationship, and you may get more responses.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Well there are pretty much too parts to my problem.

1) I dont even know myself wether fighting is the thing for me, I have all kinds of anxiety issues when preparing for fights, and now its even just for training. There is nothing that I love more in the world than being in the ring fighting, its everything leading up to being at that point. Once I am in the ring, usually I feel really good, but 3 rounds go by so fast I hardly get to realize how much I love it. I feel all kinds of hatred for my trainer, for the way he tries doing everything his way, for example, one time we arrived at a hotel at around 1AM, didnt get to bed till about 2, next morning he comes and bangs on the door at 7 to go have breakfast. Then the same day I had a fight at 9 in the evening, he wouldnt let me eat after 12 noon. When I was in the ring I was sleepy, and hungry, my stomach was literally growling at that point...What pissed me off was I felt that if I couldve prepared the way that I felt I should have (with the sleeping, eating etc) then I wouldve done alot better that match. I had 8 fights, in everyone there was some kind of issue like that and the worse part is he gets more nervous than any of the fighters, hes a complete amateur when it comes to coaching. However, I believe he has excellent instruction, like the techneque he teaches is far better than some other schools Ive gone to. I dont like to blame things on other people but cant help but blame him for the way he prepares his fighters. 
I cant believe that he will ask fighters to fight after only 1 month of training, then he will put them up against fighters who have trained 2-3 years. In my opinion that is just plain stupid.

2) The other issue is with my wife, the last 2 weeks Ive gone trained once. That one time I did she looked upset about it before I left, when I came back about 3 hours later she wouldnt speak to me, for the next 3 days it was just very very small talk with me and her. She even cried that night, I asked her whats wrong and she said she was ok.
So about 3 other times I have come home from work, feeling all pumped to go out training, and everytime she sees that I am ready to go she starts with that attitude...she gets all quiet, I ask her whats up, she says, Im ok. I ask her whats shes going to do while Im gone, she just says I dunno, nothing I guess, sometimes she gets tears in her eyes, I start feeling bad...so I stay at home with her...
She fears that Im gonna get hurt, she thinks I want to fight again, and that is true, my dream has always been to get as far in martial arts as possible, but when I asked her if she would be by my side if I kept persuing that she said nope. then she said You can do whatever you want. But she wont be there for me.


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## i wish... (Nov 29, 2009)

i guess i can relate but on a different subject. my husband likes playing the drums, he used to be in a band before we got married and he stopped after we got married. i hate him playing....i hate him being in the bar scene, i hate the people he plays with, i'd rather spend the time doing something else. it affects my marriage too. i want support him being in a band but i made a compromise to find people to play with who are married and have really jobs. it could be a hobby but the job and our family comes first. we fight a lot about this...currently fighting over this subject. for me its more the fear of the toxic elements of single people, drinking etc that i don't like. too many people don't hold the marriage as a sacred thing. i guess i can relate to your wife in that there's something about that which makes us scared of loosing something. i hope that makes sense. im guessing you guys get along great despite the same arguments (we do).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm not a professional, but I won't let a silly little thing like that prevent me from diagnosing you.

You have Fear of Success. Basically, you make subconscious decisions that ultimately sabotage your efforts to pursue what you really want, despite believing that you are capable and deserving of that success, and your spouse has now become part of the equation.

Overcoming Your Fear of Success: 6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Relationships, Career, & Life Goals | Suite101.com

Have you considered coaching/training others? Maybe as a side-job?


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