# Ended my EA and now i ask myself where did it all go so wrong



## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Hi

A while back I posted about my EA and to my astonishment since March 14 we have had no contact at all. It has been hard for me but i should not feel sorry for my self. I am just sorry and so confused. I have plowed all my time into making my marriage a happy one. I am just so confused how i got myself into an EA everyday i want to contact my EA just to say hi how long will this stupidness go on I want to foreget it all.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Is your spouse also working on the marriage, or is this all you? That can make a LOT of difference....


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

yes he is really trying too we know where it went all wrong. His work commintments are horredous at the moment and our quality time together is very limited. But i am not going to moan and groan. Everyone has to work hard for a living. I tell myself we will get there because we love each other. Maybe time is all thats needed I am just affraid it will never heal


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

In my mind, a willingness on both parts to work on the relationship is the biggest thing. From what I've seen, couples with a 100% commitment to fixing their marriage are almost always successful just because it means they are quite literally putting their pride aside and working on fixing their own issues, not just their spouse's.

I seem to remember a saying a friend of mine jokingly said over beer a few years ago. He said, "Women get married to change the man, while men get married to keep women the same."

As we age and the circumstances of life change, we change as well. It's all in how couples manage to wade through the waters of change together that determines the outcome.

It may seem funny coming from me, since I have my own marriage issues right now, but hindsight is always 20/20 right?


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Yeah in my mind you get what you put into a relationship glad now that 100% is going back into my marriage. My only worry now is it me who has changed what are my needs now. Sounds really selfish but I cant believe what I did need some sort of explination sorted out in my head why this happened. I am willing to put all efforts into making this right just hoping it works out alright


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I'm actually reading _His Needs, Her Needs_ right now. It's been a pretty good read so far. It's written by Willard Harley, so I would give that a look and both of you read it together. It will help you both understand one another a little better and identify some core needs each of you has.


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Thanks a lot for that this has shook my core and made me question everything around me...


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

It's understandable. The good part is that you are trying to get to the bottom of it instead of dismissing it. You may end up learning a few things you didn't realize about yourself, thereby making it easier for spouse to meet your needs.

At the same time, I wouldn't spend an inordinate amount of time beating yourself up over it. At this point, it happened. If your spouse has forgiven you, take it as a learning experience and build on it to make your marriage as strong as you can.


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

I would have described my self as untouchable in my marriage. Goes to show no one is safe you really have to keep and eye on marriage. Things can change so easily


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

To Land2634

Just read one of your posts in sounds like we are in quite similar situations.. I can only give you my point of view of my experience I never ever knew i was getting into an EA before I was in it, My husband was always the one I wanted and needed. I was in a bad place as I was not getting he attention I needed or deserved at the time.. And unfortunalty someone else was emotionally there at that time. Its just horrible and awful and its hard to forget. I just sometimes think **** really does happen. But we will get there in the end as it is worh fighting and holding on for.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

rosy16 said:


> To Land2634
> 
> Just read one of your posts in sounds like we are in quite similar situations.. I can only give you my point of view of my experience I never ever knew i was getting into an EA before I was in it, My husband was always the one I wanted and needed. I was in a bad place as I was not getting he attention I needed or deserved at the time.. And unfortunalty someone else was emotionally there at that time. Its just horrible and awful and its hard to forget. I just sometimes think **** really does happen. But we will get there in the end as it is worh fighting and holding on for.


Yeah, I watched my wife's situation develop into an EA. I tried to help her realize it before it happened, but I guess that just doesn't really work. Part of the problem is I work a 9-5 job and she works retail, and many times she works from 3-10. That leaves us sometimes not really spending much time together until she has a day off. I guess when you work around someone for so long, it becomes easier to attach to them when things go awry at home and they give you an ear to talk to.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I am in a very similar situation, trying to get passed an EA. It is so mind bending how this messes with your head! It is an illusion of something safe, happy, without any baggage-an escape. We don't see the other side to this person, only the good. In my situation I got involved with a coworker 15 years older than me, he has a kid and is married (unhappily as he says). I have not had my emotional needs met for most of my 9 year marriage but have always remained faithful until....this OM at work started giving me lots of attention, I started liking it,and eventually looking forward to seeing him, and not being able to get my mind off of him at home, obsessing really.This took away any hope at all I had to save my marriage, b/c I was so focused on this OM. I felt myself getting closer to him as we talked about our unhappy marriages, and how hard it is. I was a goner from there, it is a slippery slope and I am still reeling from this. Read my post 'Had an EF and difficulty ending it for my story. This has lead me into a downward spiral of a deep depression, I had to take a month off work to get my head straight b/c I was so tempted to meet him outside of work and take it into a very dangerous zone.
Stay strong. Remember that EA are very destructive (mostly to us women!) and they are unhealthy for our spirit and soul. Just think about all the negative ways being involved in this has affected you. It is really hard to overcome! GOOD LUCK.


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