# wife promises a lot but doesnt deliver



## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi there everyone,
this is my first time on here, 
my wife and I have been married for 20 years and have had a great sex life in the past, for the past year we have sex about twice a month, but half that time it feels like she does it out of duty rather than enjoying it, we have both had medicals from our docs and we are both in good condition, I have always been the good husband and bought her flowers and doing romantic stuff, I also do more than my fair share round the house, I have talked to my wife about the lack of sex and she doesn't see it as an issue, it bugs me even more as she will make sexual innuendoes in front of friends but none of them ever come true, she will text me to say am I up for it tonight and then nothing will happen! I am at the stage now that I don't want sex with her as the frustration of not getting it is doing my head in, fed up and pi**ed off.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

What happened a year ago, when the sex started declining? Changes in work, friends, schedules, kids etc.? Could it be an affair?


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi RFguy,
nothing has changed other than the sex, I am pretty positive she isn't having an affair also,


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

When you get the texts, do you initate that nighy? She may be waiting on you. She may want you to take the lead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi thound,
I have tried both, I have initiated it with her, for her just to say not tonight and I have waited and nothing happens,


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My wife did the same stuff to me. Or rather, my STBXW did...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Well what ever you do, dont beg. Act like it doesnt bother you. Start getting into shape and detach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi pbear,
sorry to hear that, what does STBXW stand for? sorry new to this site.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I don't want you to jump to the conclusion that she's cheating - especially if you don't see any red flags indicating that this is a possibility. But it never hurts to do a quick check to see if there are or were any changes in the cell phone bill over the past year or if she is suddenly being more guarded with her phone, changing passwords to phone, e-mail accounts, etc. A sudden change in your sexual relationship can be due to a lot of things, but ruling things out early is always a good thing to do.

Most likely, she is getting older and she may be going through hormonal changes that are perfectly normal and healthy - but changes that could affect your sex life. Alternatively, what changed in you during the past year that could have suddenly caused your wife to run cold? The issue may actually be on your end if your demeanor, attitude or job changed suddenly and you are not able to do what you used to do for her in the past.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

How old are you two?


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi plan 9 from os,
I am sure she isn't having an affair, nothing has changed either, I am as fit as ever and I am not over weight (I am 6foot 2 inches tall and weigh 13 stone 6lb)


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi charlieparker,
I am 46 and my wife is 42.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

planty said:


> hi plan 9 from os,
> I am sure she isn't having an affair, nothing has changed either, I am as fit as ever and I am not over weight (I am 6foot 2 inches tall and weigh 13 stone 6lb)


Yea sorry I dont do stones  She may be starting menopause. If so it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

sorry, I weigh about 190lb, and she is still having normal periods,


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

planty said:


> hi pbear,
> sorry to hear that, what does STBXW stand for? sorry new to this site.


Soon To Be eX Wife. The lack of intimacy had a big part to play in that, but it was her refusal to try to improve things that was the last straw. 

Since leaving, I've been in a relationship with someone who actually likes sex, and likes it with me! . Even at 45 years old, there are options!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

thanks pbear,
I really don't want to think our marriage is over, it would be nice to have this though ( sex with someone who actually likes sex, and likes it with me! . Even at 45 years old,) I am 46


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

planty said:


> hi plan 9 from os,
> I am sure she isn't having an affair, nothing has changed either, I am as fit as ever and I am not over weight (I am 6foot 2 inches tall and weigh 13 stone 6lb)


Good if you verified it. Chances are she isn't having one. But within the past year something has changed suddenly if your sex life was good and solid for the first 19 years of marriage and then all of a sudden - poof. Maybe she's on the cusp of menopause which can kill the libido. Maybe something changed at work over the past year that has ramped up her stress and is killing her libido. Maybe she feels like your marriage is in a rut and she is losing attraction to you because your lives together are boring. Maybe you are too much of a nice guy (you indicated you do more than your fair share of housework) and she's losing respect for you because you don't stand up for yourself enough.


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

I have tried everything, romantic meals and days out for a little bit of time on our own, flowers, gifts, I have done all of these sort of things throughout our marriage, I have to never let things slip into boredom, my wife says that I am a real man that doesn't put up with any bu***hit! and that I am and always be the perfect man for her!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP). I was in your shoes several years ago and the MAP turned my marriage around.

Good luck.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

planty said:


> I have tried everything, romantic meals and days out for a little bit of time on our own, flowers, gifts, I have done all of these sort of things throughout our marriage, I have to never let things slip into boredom, my wife says that I am a real man that doesn't put up with any bu***hit! and that I am and always be the perfect man for her!


And yet you are putting up with her bullsh1t.....I know, I was there. My wife was in to "AVOIDING" sex...Set the stage early in the day with comments about poor sleep, headaches, back going out, just any thing to send out the signal that sex would be a huge imposition "that day" except "that day" became an endless chain of days, with the cosmos never seeming to align "just right" for a good day for sex.....

I had some medical problems with a urinary tract infection....I wound up having an IV every day for 28 days....Early on, the comment was made that when I got well we should celebrate with a BJ......

It only took 2 months to collect after the IV's stopped, and then under protest......

I was due for prostate surgery, and the possibility of being rendered impotent by the surgery....I mentioned this to her several times, and she finally relented to have sex for what could have been the last time, "the night before my surgery"...........

That really hurt....After being married for 46 years, and having a fantastic sex life, she thought no more of it than to not even want to get in "One last time"....That fuc-king hurt..... To this day she says she doesn't think it was a big deal??????

It took some serious talk about the possibility of divorce to get her to come around....We now have sex 2-3 times a week......The real tragedy is that during the period of avoidance and denial she developed a medical problem (neuropathy) and has lost the ability to orgasm.....So while she was throwing away dozens of opportunities for great sex, she lost the ability to enjoy it......

I am still bitter when I think of what we could have had, and what she threw away....She would give anything to have just one more orgasm, but those days are gone......

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

IJm gonna get flax for this but planty these are important questions that you need to ask and answer yourself with complete honesty.

1. Do I satisfy my wife sexually? (no one is 100% always on their game but on the main in your sexually intimate relationship)

2. Do I take my wife for granted?

3. Do I openly appreciate all she does for me?

Weirdly enough 2 and 3 may be hardest to answer. After you have answered these questions honestly to yourself then with an open and honest heart ask your wife assure her you will hear her out without recrimination.

Seriously your wife may not even know that she detaching from you and hurting the intimacy, she may not know her own thoughts and feelings on this matter.

if none of the above appplies both of you will have to dig deeper


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

planty said:


> hi there everyone,
> this is my first time on here,
> my wife and I have been married for 20 years and have had a great sex life in the past, for the past year we have sex about twice a month, but half that time it feels like she does it out of duty rather than enjoying it, we have both had medicals from our docs and we are both in good condition, I have always been the good husband and bought her flowers and doing romantic stuff, I also do more than my fair share round the house, I have talked to my wife about the lack of sex and she doesn't see it as an issue, it bugs me even more as she will make sexual innuendoes in front of friends but none of them ever come true, she will text me to say am I up for it tonight and then nothing will happen! I am at the stage now that I don't want sex with her as the frustration of not getting it is doing my head in, fed up and pi**ed off.


Resentment on her part and you are exhibiting frustration which she is keenly aware of...

Long road ahead...

To do list.

1. Continue communication frame things in how you feel and what you see as acceptable(NOT you never... you this, you that)
2. Hold her accountable (For past statements)
3. Change the dynamics...grow up..quit pouting
4. Be happy and check your deep down disappointment.

To give you an idea of what you are up against... women replay every slight. My wife instantly recalled a small slight from 2003 I have no recall of. Women NEVER forget. Its like arguing with a computer.

PS she likely sees flowers/romance as you wanting sex. They no longer mean what they should.

Good Luck.


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi woodchuck, that experience sounds painful in many ways, I know I am a man but I am sure that some women enjoy sex also, I have asked my wife why she isn't bothered and she just says that I think about sex to much! and there are much more important things than sex! when I ask what they are she has no answer.


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi michie and trying2figureitout,
1. Do I satisfy my wife sexually? my wife has always said "I am more than enough for her sexually"

2. Do I take my wife for granted?
not at all, I do more than my fair share and also show her in many ways what she means to me.
3. Do I openly appreciate all she does for me? yes I do, 

I am going to put into check my disappointment and negativity over the lack of sex.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

planty said:


> hi michie and trying2figureitout,
> 1. Do I satisfy my wife sexually? my wife has always said "I am more than enough for her sexually"
> 
> 2. Do I take my wife for granted?
> ...



It not about you and sex... its about her wanting to sex with you again and you have many years of resentment to overcome. You also need to change she is done with the old you sexually. Its a chore to her now to keep the peace.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

planty said:


> hi michie and trying2figureitout,
> 1. Do I satisfy my wife sexually? my wife has always said "I am more than enough for her sexually"
> 
> 2. Do I take my wife for granted?
> ...


well i'm glad you answered honestly Planty, couldn't hurt to ask your wife while assuring her you won't react negatively to the honest answer that you deserve in return.

also less of the 'lack of sex' comments and perhaps more of 'lack of physical closness' 'intimacy' 'closness'


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

I agree it isn't all about sex, a bit of fun and a proper kiss and cuddle would be nice also.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

planty said:


> sorry, I weigh about 190lb, and she is still having normal periods,


She could be in perimenopause. This is the stage preceeding menopause and it is difficult to test for. Her hormones may be normal one day and jacked up the next day. It is.HELL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

planty said:


> what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


My ex-GF would do the same. She would be very suggestive and all over me at times when she knew sex was impossible, eg. just five minutes before me having to leave for work.

I cannot even fathom what goes through her mind, but I believe this is to show you that she's still interested in sex but at the same time she's not having sex with you.

Cake eater behavior


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

its doing my head in, its confusing and irritating all at once, but I know she isn't having an affair, what would she get out of playing these games?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

planty said:


> what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


If your wife doesn't have a history of being mean spirited, she may not know that she is torturing you with her comments. Sounds like a candid talk is needed. I'd ask her "why do you make so many suggestive comments to me but never deliver on any of them?". This is about honest communication. No games are needed, no PUA crap, etc...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

planty said:


> its doing my head in, its confusing and irritating all at once, but I know she isn't having an affair, what would she get out of playing these games?


She could simply be in the moment. I would be careful complaining about her texts at least they are to you. I would possibly text her back.... "waiting"

Perhaps that's enough to get a dialog going. Its her trying to stay in the game but failing miserably.

She probably doesn't understand fully why she resents you. Help guide her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If your wife doesn't have a history of being mean spirited, she may not know that she is torturing you with her comments.


From what he's said, his wife does have a history of meanness in regards to sex.



> Sounds like a candid talk is needed. I'd ask her "why do you make so many suggestive comments to me but never deliver on any of them?". This is about honest communication. No games are needed, no PUA crap, etc...


This strategy assumes that 1) she understands why she's mean about sex and 2) she's willing to be open and honest about it. I think either one of those conditions is rare in a woman. Both conditions are extremely rare.

I think it's safe to assume is that she is aware that she avoids sex. It's safe to assume that she is aware that she promises sex with absolutely no intention of delivering. And, it's safe to assume that she either doesn't know why, or wouldn't tell you if she did.

So, don't waste time asking questions that almost assuredly won't, or can't, be answered. Just start working on her motivations by running the MAP.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trying to talk to your woman about the complete lack of sex and she doesn't see it as an issue is like talking to a brick wall.

My theory is when you get married, the chase is over and the wild, spontaneous and adventurous sex, being single, is done with. We become comfy, set in our ways and our true sexual self becomes quite apparent. So if she was really LD, down the road, that will become obvious, but it could also be menopause.

When they don't see the lack of sex as a big deal, they're not taking care of their spouses needs and that's very self centered and selfish of them. When married, you are to give of yourself for your other half and its not about you and only you anymore. Otherwise, why did they get married and waste their spouses time in the first place?

I think we want what we can't have and don't really want what we do have. It's weird I know.

In some cases, giving the spouse divorce papers does the trick, which is sad it took that much to get them to do what's best for their marriage and other half.

The majority of us men have high sex drives due to our natural testosterone levels and how we are built. Yet the ladies seem to forget this, why do they always want sex??? Really?!

You can surprise her with cards, flowers, dinners, massages, foot rubs, cuddling, talking, going for walks holding hands, you name it but that won't increase her sex drive. It just makes her feel great and makes her day.

Has your woman done all the things you've done for her, to meet your needs?


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

hi,
I have text her back saying "I am waiting and am ready when you are",
and I agree with everything you said cuddlebug, what I do for her does make her very happy, I do all these things, cards, flowers, dinners, massages, foot rubs, cuddling, talking, going for walks holding hands, and more, and all I get I her falling asleep on me, when I try to start things she still pretends to be asleep! I myself don't ask for much but a bit of intimacy and affection and a bit of sex that she gets into also,


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

planty said:


> hi,
> I have text her back saying "I am waiting and am ready when you are",


Ah, yes. The old, "I'm not initiating until she initiates" ploy. I'll go ahead and break the suspense for you. She won't initiate. She doesn't want sex with you.



> what I do for her does make her very happy, I do all these things, cards, flowers, dinners, massages, foot rubs, cuddling, talking, going for walks holding hands, and more, and all I get I her falling asleep on me, when I try to start things she still pretends to be asleep!


And none of that is sexy. See, men have two sets of traits, or behaviors. Alpha behaviors are sexy. Beta behaviors are comforting. All the things you've been doing for your wife are beta. They make her feel comfortable. But they don't attract her. They don't make her horny.

Only alpha traits can attract her. Alpha traits are, being muscular, being confident, being assertive, and having masculine interests.

So, your wife isn't attracted to you, so you don't get much sex. And your solution is to add more beta behaviors. But that will never work. Ever. Run the MAP.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Lack of sex isn't the issue... something else is. Lack of sex is a symptom of the other issue.

You can find details of this in another of my posts so I'll give the short version:

Note: During all this time you should be initiating with her. if she declines, let it pass.

1 - Figure out what her needs are and meet them. If you have to ask her what her needs are, go ahead. Better that SHE outline them than you guess at them.

2 - Meet them on a consistent basis. Confirm that you are. "Honey, remember when you said non-sexual intimacy was one of your needs? I think last night cuddling on the couch was pretty nice, no?"

3 - Once you can honestly say you are meeting her needs and she has not been meeting yours, have an honest conversation with her. Ask her whether she feels you are meeting her needs. Point out where you have... not just one example but many. Tell her that a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" (NOT sex) is one of your needs "to make this marriage work." Without it, you will become resentful and frustrated and less likely to want to meet her needs. If that happens, the marriage will be over.

4 - Explain to her that the marriage contract includes an implied promise to be monogamous with each other AND to meet each other's sexual needs. You can't have one without the other.

5 - Divorce MUST be on the table. Otherwise, what incentive does she have to change if there is no consequences?

6 - Don't accept answers like she's too tired, isn't interested in sex, etc.... tell her you quit your job because you were too tired or wasn't interested in working. How would that go over?

7 - Don't accept comments like "you only want sex" or "all you think about is sex". You do not have to justify wanting a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with the person you love. Don't minimize it, don't feel bad about it, don't feel dirty about it.

All of the above assumes there are no physical or mental reasons stopping her from being intimate with you. If there are, those need to be addressed first.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Lack of sex isn't the issue... something else is. Lack of sex is a symptom of the other issue.
> 
> You can find details of this in another of my posts so I'll give the short version:
> 
> ...



Oh you nailed it :iagree::iagree:


My wifee is insecure due to her size, how she was treated by her ex bf, how her parents raised her, told she is fat and won't amount to much in her youth, etc. She has never got over this and I have to deal with a LD wife for life that doesn't change much if at all.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why does she do it?

She wants to be sexual with you without the risk of having sex.

It's how she convinces herself she is a good wife.


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## planty (Jun 10, 2013)

I have tried t talk to her about things, but she really doesn't see an issue, when we have a chat I never raise my voice or get angry as I was brought up in a house where there were arguments morning noon and night, I swore I would never do that, I left home at 17 and have kept to it so far, one of the answers I get is that she cant help it if she falls asleep, and another is that I think about being intimate and sex far to much, I am a strong person and I am also no weakling in any way. and none of my friends do anywhere as much as myself for their wives or girlfriends so I agree with this statement-She is so lucky. If she didn't have you validating her and making her feel loved she would be devastated.-


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## redhat (Aug 10, 2013)

I am in the same situation. We've been married for a bit over 10 years. In my case I believe "the games" begun when we had our first kid. I've tried everything. I have read more than anyone should on this subject and relationships and what not. 

However, I'm supposedly lucky. My wife will "give me sex" (her words exactly - and often) almost on demand. However, she often does stuff like - "remind me after I rest a couple hours". And so she does. Sometimes sex is great, some times it's games of promise. We've fought endlessly for years about this issue. I'm not sure she's aware but she refuses to change even though I've explained everything in as many ways and as plainly as anyone can possibly. I've also tried every technique, read every blog and tried to apply it, bought books, etc. Nothing works. She plays me. Sex most times is a chore for her. She claims my sex drive and hers are not matched. I'd do it every 3 or 4 days, she'd be more like 7 to 10 days. But the thing is not the incidence, it's more her attitude. She does not seem to care. She bends over backwards for her job and the kids. I'm dead last. Usually even after she sleeps...hence the pityfull "wake me in a bit"... 

Anyway, sorry for the messy post. I am so distraught over this. I am just barely over 40. She's around the same age. I love her dearly. But I must be honest and I am starting to not lover her. I resent her deeply now. I cant help it. It's been building up for almost a decade now. So I am actually considering divorce. We are great when sex is not in play. We are also great when work is not around. Basically vacations and weekends are good. But when it comes to sex, it does not matter. On vacations and such special occasions she comes out more... 

Anyway, from someone who has been there for almost 10 years... I got to tell you, i'm thinking divorce is the only way. I am very attractive. I'm starting to wonder a lot about other woman (something I never used to do). I am very fit, I work out 3x a week, I am 6', etc. She is also very attractive. But she seems to only care to be attractive for the things she cares (when out in public and for work). She does not get it> We fight if i mention anything. Ive become jealous and paranoid. Now i'm over that. I'm like, it would be a favor, I just want to find out so I can end it. On my end, I've never cheated but I've had chances to do so. I admit it, i called them on me. I needed the feeling of attention and having a woman want me desperately....then i'd bail out last minute. Interestingly my wife claims she does everything for me and she loves me... (i'm also the type of guy who does just about 1/2 of everything)....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

planty said:


> what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


Have you asked her this question?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

planty said:


> I have tried t talk to her about things, but she really doesn't see an issue, when we have a chat I never raise my voice or get angry as I was brought up in a house where there were arguments morning noon and night, I swore I would never do that, I left home at 17 and have kept to it so far, one of the answers I get is that she cant help it if she falls asleep, and another is that I think about being intimate and sex far to much, I am a strong person and I am also no weakling in any way. and none of my friends do anywhere as much as myself for their wives or girlfriends so I agree with this statement-She is so lucky. If she didn't have you validating her and making her feel loved she would be devastated.-


HOw many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things together, just the two of you?


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

planty said:


> hi there everyone,
> this is my first time on here,
> my wife and I have been married for 20 years and have had a great sex life in the past, for the past year we have sex about twice a month, but half that time it feels like she does it out of duty rather than enjoying it, we have both had medicals from our docs and we are both in good condition, I have always been the good husband and bought her flowers and doing romantic stuff, I also do more than my fair share round the house, I have talked to my wife about the lack of sex and she doesn't see it as an issue, it bugs me even more as she will make sexual innuendoes in front of friends but none of them ever come true, she will text me to say am I up for it tonight and then nothing will happen! I am at the stage now that I don't want sex with her as the frustration of not getting it is doing my head in, fed up and pi**ed off.


OH I feel you! I'm married to a promiser as well! She's promised that our sex life will get better, but it's always "tomorrow." At this point I've realized that she's only doing it because when I finish my nursing degree my income potential will increase five-fold and she'll have a comfortable existence and thinks I'm not going to leave.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> OH I feel you! I'm married to a promiser as well! She's promised that our sex life will get better, but it's always "tomorrow." At this point I've realized that she's only doing it because when I finish my nursing degree my income potential will increase five-fold and she'll have a comfortable existence and thinks I'm not going to leave.


That sthick sucks... I know exactly what you mean. Earlier in life I would also use words that were more soothing and charming, went thru a person whose actions never met their words and changed. I usually almost do what I say I'm going to do now, and usually don't evensay it. I do it. Actions speak so much louder.

Those kind words from the "promiser" wife, probably are soothing when you hear it, but you kinda know she might not follow through and when she doesn't it takes you down yet another peg.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

planty said:


> what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


 This is your base of the problem and it's something that either a man or woman would get pissed at. 

You need to set her down and tell her that making sexual comments about the good things to come then never happen is hurtful and disrespectful and if she can't live up to her talk then shut up and say nothing. It seems to me that sex is such a great weapon to use on someone and not having the common sense to know how that hurts their spouse. Let her know it's not appreciated and do it in a way that she understands. Look her in the eyes when you tell her and say it loud enough that she finally gets it. If she offers a defense, then tell her actions speak louder than words. Also, I would stop playing the nice guy for a while and stop going the extra mile for her. it's obvious that she doesn't appreciate you.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

6301 said:


> This is your base of the problem and it's something that either a man or woman would get pissed at.
> 
> You need to set her down and tell her that making sexual comments about the good things to come then never happen is hurtful and disrespectful and if she can't live up to her talk then shut up and say nothing. It seems to me that sex is such a great weapon to use on someone and not having the common sense to know how that hurts their spouse. Let her know it's not appreciated and do it in a way that she understands. Look her in the eyes when you tell her and say it loud enough that she finally gets it. If she offers a defense, then tell her actions speak louder than words. Also, I would stop playing the nice guy for a while and stop going the extra mile for her. it's obvious that she doesn't appreciate you.


This is excellent advice. FOLLOW IT.

In the past I've told my wife numerous times that actions speak louder than words - she never got it, no matter how many times I repeated it. I've just completely stopped doing anything for her. I mean NOTHING, not even a small thing such as opening a jar for her. She tells me I'm mean and tells me I'm a jerk and I'm sure she hasn't made the connection of why I'm doing these things. To be honest, I doubt she ever will. 

In her mind she's a victim of everyone else's action and fails to see how her actions impact others. 

The last I tried having sex with her she said "no" so I simply said that "I'm tired of hearing no," that really set her off but I ignored every excuse she made - I just know she yelled a lot. That was more than a month ago and I haven't so much as touched her since. She's either not realized it or has and doesn't care. Knowing her and how she treats people she's noticed and doesn't care. 

I've implemented a sort of 180 that the people on the CWI board talk about. I don't talk to her about the future. I don't talk to her about anything other than household matters. If she brings it up, I give her a closed-ended answer and anymore discussion about it is ignored by me. I've started running with the dog every morning and have lost a couple pounds in the last week. 

My long term plan is to graduate nursing school, find a job, and divorce her. HOPEFULLY a year from now I'll have a divorce proceeding underway and unfortunately because of financial constraints it can't happen any sooner. 

I don't think I've been married as long as the OP, but 6 years of this poop is enough for me.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Classic crazy-making passive aggressive behavior. Study up so you learn how to (not) deal with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

P51Geo1980 said:


> My long term plan is to graduate nursing school, find a job, and divorce her. HOPEFULLY a year from now I'll have a divorce proceeding underway and unfortunately because of financial constraints it can't happen any sooner.


You should discuss your plans with a lawyer. It's possible that, by delaying divorce until your income increases, you will cost yourself a lot of money in any divorce settlement.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Planty, 
It isn't your fault that you don't recognize this behavior, because you would simply not do this to someone else. Certainly not someone you love. 

It is cruel for a lower drive partner to engage in a pattern of sexual teasing with their higher desire spouse. 

I will give you an example is reverse. 

Would you ever promise to take her to a nice place for dinner on a Friday, and then come home from work Friday and not get ready to go out. 

And when she asks when you are going to get 'dressed' to go out, you just look up from the paper or tv and say: I don't feel like going out. 

And then you don't even acknowledge that she has a right to be upset. 


TE=planty;2440057]I have tried everything, romantic meals and days out for a little bit of time on our own, flowers, gifts, I have done all of these sort of things throughout our marriage, I have to never let things slip into boredom, my wife says that I am a real man that doesn't put up with any bu***hit! and that I am and always be the perfect man for her![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Planty,
> It isn't your fault that you don't recognize this behavior, because you would simply not do this to someone else. Certainly not someone you love.
> 
> It is cruel for a lower drive partner to engage in a pattern of sexual teasing with their higher desire spouse.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

That would be cruel or mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your post below is spot on. She is being sadistic. 

FYI: 'trying to figure it out' has been sexless 4 years and his wife openly refused to stop an intense texting/emotional affair - maybe sexual affair she was having. 






planty said:


> what I don't understand are the emotional games she is playing! why dangle a carrot in front me and then do nothing!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Amen.

And I bet very few husbands on this board have ever done it. I certainly have never done it. It isn't just cruel, but by pretending that they haven't created an expectation, they are implying that cruelty is perfectly ok. 



treyvion said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be cruel or mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Trying,
The level of conflict avoidance you suggest is exactly why you are destined to remain celibate. 




Trying2figureitout said:


> She could simply be in the moment. I would be careful complaining about her texts at least they are to you. I would possibly text her back.... "waiting"
> 
> Perhaps that's enough to get a dialog going. Its her trying to stay in the game but failing miserably.
> 
> She probably doesn't understand fully why she resents you. Help guide her.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

I seen that you mentioned she would fall asleep on you while your cuddling her and pretend to stay asleep while you try to move for more. How do you know she is pretending? 

I recently watched as my mom went though a major problem with sleeping ALOT! and she got to a point where falling asleep was almost instant and she would go into a hard sleep. Her Dr said her iron level had drop real low and they couldn't get it up. Put that with my wife who when feeling tired never wants sex and I could see how maybe a health problem could be at play here. 

The leading you own could be part of what ever health problem. If its a Iron or sleeping issue then think of it like this, she could be ready to go and then suddenly she feels like she just took 3 sleeping pills. If its not a sleeping problem the leading you on could still be something medical Bi-polar comes to mind as well of simply "the change" this is really just a mood change when one min she wants sex the next she dont.

One last thing i would like to ask is this always a night time rejection? have you ever tried rushing home for lunch for a quick fix? in the middle of the day and see if she rejects you then?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Aka,
The way it works in a healthy marriage is this:

If I know that my 'ability' to meet one of my partners core needs is 'compromised':
1. I feel bad for them
2. I take steps to minimize the impact on them. Those steps might include:
- Seeing a doctor 
- Making more 'effort' in other areas important to them
- Acknowledging what's happening - and if you fall asleep - apologize for winding your partner up and connect with them the next night

Saying: 'I don't see a problem': when your partner is clearly upset, is a type of 'gas lighting'



QUOTE=akasephiroth;4513594]I seen that you mentioned she would fall asleep on you while your cuddling her and pretend to stay asleep while you try to move for more. How do you know she is pretending? 

I recently watched as my mom went though a major problem with sleeping ALOT! and she got to a point where falling asleep was almost instant and she would go into a hard sleep. Her Dr said her iron level had drop real low and they couldn't get it up. Put that with my wife who when feeling tired never wants sex and I could see how maybe a health problem could be at play here. 

The leading you own could be part of what ever health problem. If its a Iron or sleeping issue then think of it like this, she could be ready to go and then suddenly she feels like she just took 3 sleeping pills. If its not a sleeping problem the leading you on could still be something medical Bi-polar comes to mind as well of simply "the change" this is really just a mood change when one min she wants sex the next she dont.

One last thing i would like to ask is this always a night time rejection? have you ever tried rushing home for lunch for a quick fix? in the middle of the day and see if she rejects you then?[/QUOTE]


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## Claufjdia (Sep 26, 2013)

What happened a year ago, when the sex started declining? Changes in work, friends, schedules, kids etc.? Could it be an affair?


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