# 55 M with 45F Boyfriend of 4 Months wants strange men to watch us and for me to be with another man too.



## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I’m asking for some support here today because I believe I need to end my relationship of 4 months with a guy who in MANY ways has been amazing to me. 

He has treated me so well — spoiled me — been supportive and helpful for my business growth (He is quite successful in his own business).

He’s attentive and really matches in every way with me.

We are 10 years apart (he is older) and we are at the perfect time in our lives. 

He has talked about9 getting engaged - he even took me ring shopping etc. He said when you find the one…you don’t let them go.

However — I found out about 2 months into our relationship that he had “fantasies” of me having sex with other men….and giving them BJ’s while he watches…. And also exchanges — with the man.

He even said during one of these drunken “fantasy” talks — that he would like to grab the other man’s penis and he described it as large — etc. ….leading me to believe he might be bi or gay.

I talked to my therapist about this — and she was not too hopeful. She suggested at a minimum I have a conversation with him about how this is not something I wanted to do.

I did that — I talked to him by phone — told him that — and he said that it was okay and he would never want to make me uncomfortable. He asked if I would at least go topless at nude beaches etc…which I never do - and I said yes…I could do that for him.

Fast forward about a week - we are out of town and he got pretty drunk and told me as were having sex that he had a guy friend of his coming to our hotel to watch us — . I panicked and I said no. He had to text the guy to cancel it.

The next day I asked him how he could do that to me? He aid that he just thought I would be ok if he just watched — and didn’t touch me. I said NO.

He apologized…and said it wouldn’t happen again.

3 weeks later (he was drinking heavily again) and as we were about to go up to our suite he stopped at the bar to get another round. He started talking to a guy standing there about the area etc. Totally normal conversation. But at the end of it — when the bar was closing, he invited the guy into our suite. I said quietly that I was tired — and that it wasn’t a good idea. 

He said oh he will just get a drink — well he brought the guy into our suite and proceeded to try and take off my blouse in front of the guy —w whom I was talking about BUSINESS. I pushed my BF away and told him to stop. 

I got up and went to the bathroom and then when I came back he pushed me closer to the guy and had me sit on the couch between them. I said no — but he kept on …

Then my BF unzipped his pants and started playing with his penise. I told him to put it away and he told me to tell the guy what a good FU(k I am — and told me to give him a BJ.

I said no. I kicked the guy out (he was polite and I don’t think he expected any of this either)….

My BF passed out while I cried and told him he could have gotten me RAPED>
The next day he claimed he didn’t remember what happened and even asked if I slept w the guy. 

I was so upset. He apologized. Said it would never happen again. 

Then for a few weeks things were fine — but I went to stay with him for the week last week….and he was drinking quite a bit again and he told me during dinner a friend of his wanted to stop by and meet me. I said ok…he talked to him on the phone and then after a bit said — actually I should probably cancel him.

I said why? He said that I was probably tired. He later admitted that he wanted the guy to come watch us have sex in his hot tub. He then asked me (during sex) if we could have him the next night. I said NO.

He hasn’t said another word about it since — 

He has been all lovey lovey to me and actually just surprised me with plane tickets for a trip away this weekend….. And now I feel like I’m looking down the barrel of a gun.


Is it POSSIBLE that he won’t ever do this to me again? Is it possible that this relationship could work? 

I am really sad because everything else about him is great. Successful — good father —etc. 
But, I am literally wondering how I could have my teenage son around him — he must be at a minimum bi sexual……

I can't really talk to anyone about it because this is so personal. One of my girlfriends told me she couldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't break up with this guy ASAP. She said I sounded crazy for even considering staying in this..

What would you do?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I didn’t even make it to the end of the post and he already violated your boundaries twice.

Trust your gut on this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Believe me, it won't stop. He may put it on the back burner every now and then to keep you from leaving, but no, it won't stop. Ever.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He's not going to stop -- he's going to keep doing this under the guise of "I was drunk and don't remember anything".
He is trying to push you to accept what he wants with this. He doesn't want it to stay in the real of "fantasy" -- he clearly wants this to happen which YOU do not.
He is a BF you are dating, NOT a husband. He failed the BF dating test with you -- he's clearly not suitable for you for a longer term relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It's bad enough he's not respecting your sexual boundaries, but he also sounds like an alcoholic. NOT a winning combination, is it?

I'd dump this guy like yesterday. 

And, I'd like to add, that it always amazes me that so many folks post here saying, "So-and-so is just perfect for me ...." with the EXCEPT or BUT added to that which reports the person is a first-class deviant/druggie/sex addict/alcoholic/whatever-else-is-distasteful. As far as I'm concerned, that's a far cry from being "great" or "perfect" in any way. The bad is so colossal that it pretty much eradicates the good qualities.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s basically a pimp. Nothing more.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It's not just a NO but a HELL NO to this relationship.....you need to cut him out of your life...he sounds like a predator, wines you dines, always there to help out at the beginning while setting a trap to get his kinks out of..... you so do not need someone like that in your life.......that price is way to high. Good Luck


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

You have known this man for 4 months? 120 days? RUN GIRL...RUN!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sure you can stay but only if you’re okay with him continuing what he’s doing. He’s not going to change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

P.S.
I agree with your friend. Move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's 4 months - RUN!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Drop him or else this is going to inflict damage on you like you never imagined.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do you really need to write to an Internet forum and ask strangers what to do about this???

I think the only sane person here is your GF that said she didn’t want to be around if you didn’t get rid of this guy.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

What would I do? I’d run faster than the ****ing gingerbread man right out of his life. That’s what I’d do and it’s what you should do too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I’m asking for some support here today because I believe I need to end my relationship of 4 months with a guy who in MANY ways has been amazing to me.
> 
> He has treated me so well — spoiled me — been supportive and helpful for my business growth (He is quite successful in his own business).
> 
> ...


I would be worried that he was doing a bunch of smoke and mirrors basically to pimp you out. 

I think most people are going to see this as a no brainer. Unless you find some appeal in his suggestions, I don't know why you would let anyone talk you into it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I'd be really concerned about this guy knowing where you live, your habits, etc. This is seriously weird stuff and you let way too many boundaries get crossed. I'd say there's already enough to warrant going no-contact and see how it plays out.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Have you considered that this guy may have filmed the two of you while having sex (without you knowing) and has shown it to others (or will)?


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## 10 minutes (Dec 30, 2020)

You could end up raped eventually. I remember an old rape case when a military guy told four of his staff to come to his house to have sex with his wife, and that if she screamed she was pretending. They actually went through with it. The husband and rapists feigned ignorance, saying they thought she was consenting to it so they shouldn’t be convicted of rape.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I immediately noticed that this always happens when he's drunk, which he seems to be quite a lot. So, at the very least you are dating an exceptionally problemed drinker. Then, there's the "little" issue of him disregarding your wishes, crossing your clearly stated boundaries, being into kinky and exploitative sex with you and other men, and actually _endangering your safety!_ I suspect that it's not just the idea of you with other men that turns him on, but that he's also enjoying the feeling power that comes from your discomfort and getting you to do things you don't want to do. 

You've been dating this man for 4 months. This is the "honeymoon phase" where most people in new relationships are on their very best behavior. And he's already pulled this crap multiple times? This _is_ his best behavior..... Instead of expecting it to stop, you should fully expect it to escalate.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. 

If this isn't what you want for your future, you need to end this relationship immediately and go completely no contact with this guy. And maybe get a therapist who will help you figure out what's wrong with your picker that you're even questioning if you should be okay with things that are clearly not okay.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I’m asking for some support here today because I believe I need to end my relationship of 4 months with a guy who in MANY ways has been amazing to me.
> 
> *He has treated me so well — spoiled me — been supportive and helpful for my business growth (He is quite successful in his own business).
> 
> ...



By the way, this is called "grooming" and it's what sexual predators - and all other abusers - do to their victims to keep them compliant.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I’m asking for some support here today because I believe I need to end my relationship of 4 months with a guy who in MANY ways has been amazing to me.
> 
> He has treated me so well — spoiled me — been supportive and helpful for my business growth (He is quite successful in his own business).
> 
> ...


you bf is a creep and has no respect for you. This early in the relationship it is a huge red flag, the other red flag is his heavy drinking. You need to get rid of him ASAP. He is 55 and never married, that ought to tell you something. Surely you do not want to be with a man who wants to pawn you off to other men. Kick him to the kerb.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please just end this. He isnt respecting you at all and has massive red flags. Listen to your friend, she clearly cares about you. .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Have you checked his criminal record? Because seriously this is the way men groom women for prostitution to profit off of them. You really need to leave him behind.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

It is also a bit complicated because he started sending me clients for my business -- so now we SHARE some clients. If I ended it today I would not HAVE to talk with him...since my business is separate. But, it does keep the mental reminder fully in check. Not fun... But yes -- you said it loud and clear -- it's as if I'm being PIMPED out. 



DownByTheRiver said:


> I would be worried that he was doing a bunch of smoke and mirrors basically to pimp you out.
> 
> I think most people are going to see this as a no brainer. Unless you find some appeal in his suggestions, I don't know why you would let anyone talk you into it.





DownByTheRiver said:


> I would be worried that he was doing a bunch of smoke and mirrors basically to pimp you out.
> 
> I think most people are going to see this as a no brainer. Unless you find some appeal in his suggestions, I don't know why you would let anyone talk you into it.





Casual Observer said:


> I'd be really concerned about this guy knowing where you live, your habits, etc. This is seriously weird stuff and you let way too many boundaries get crossed. I'd say there's already enough to warrant going no-contact and see how it plays out.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

He has been married. He has been divorced for 8 years -- and has 2 older sons. He is a good father -- and has a great, reputable business. 

But, his last partner lived with him for 4 years -- and I snooped around yesterday and she told a friend of a friend...that he (they were swingers). He wasn't interested in the women -- he just liked watching her with men -- and at one point grabbed a man's ...you know what ...during it -- which made her wonder if he was bi. 



aine said:


> you bf is a creep and has no respect for you. This early in the relationship it is a huge red flag, the other red flag is his heavy drinking. You need to get rid of him ASAP. He is 55 and never married, that ought to tell you something. Surely you do not want to be with a man who wants to pawn you off to other men. Kick him to the kerb.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It is also a bit complicated because he started sending me clients for my business -- so now we SHARE some clients. If I ended it today I would not HAVE to talk with him...since my business is separate. But, it does keep the mental reminder fully in check. Not fun... But yes -- you said it loud and clear -- it's as if I'm being PIMPED out.


The last thing you want is for those shared clients to start thinking you are a sex worker, and you don't know what he's up to, so I'd cut ties.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

There is no question he is bi or sexually open and after you just noted that story and with your previous story i suspect that he would not admit that he was bi and keep it a secret most of his life. That aside his behavior is unacceptable if that is not your bag. But you do have a problem here and i am not sure there is a clean way to break away in which he doesn't cause your business some level of pain.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I’m asking for some support here today because I believe I need to end my relationship of 4 months with a guy who in MANY ways has been amazing to me.
> 
> He has treated me so well — spoiled me — been supportive and helpful for my business growth (He is quite successful in his own business).
> 
> ...


RUN!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> RUN!


Beat me to it, but it bears repeating: 

RUN!


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

He had purchased airline tickets for me to come on a trip with him this weekend -- and I am wondering what to do. Should I just tell him to cancel it? Go on the trip and try to have a serious talk with him? 

I will say I KNOW that I've tried this before -- and somehow he gets drunk and something ends up happening... 

As I mentioned in my initial post -- it's been one thing after another ... 




So Married said:


> Beat me to it, but it bears repeating:
> 
> RUN!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Oh, yippee - a blackout drunk and a pervert. How did you get so lucky? Now you know why he is 55 and single. Cut all ties with him. It isn't "_complicated_" at all.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He had purchased airline tickets for me to come on a trip with him this weekend -- and I am wondering what to do. Should I just tell him to cancel it? Go on the trip and try to have a serious talk with him?
> 
> I will say I KNOW that I've tried this before -- and somehow he gets drunk and something ends up happening...
> 
> As I mentioned in my initial post -- it's been one thing after another ...


He's proven to you, more than once, that he clearly has no problem rolling right over your stated boundaries. So I'm not sure what you imagine a "serious talk with him" would accomplish? If you go on the trip with him this weekend, you should fully expect a repeat of what happened the last time(s) you were in a hotel with him. He'll get sloshed and try to pimp you out.

So, if that's not something you're up for, then you need to not go on the upcoming trip with him. Instead, you need to break up with him - very clearly and with finality.

If you insist on breaking up with him in person, do it in a public place. Tell him, calmly and directly, that the relationship is no longer working for you, you're ending it, and that you will not be accompanying him on the upcoming trip. Don't let yourself get sidetracked, argued with, or shushed into changing your mind. Don't attempt to stay friends, don't let him come over to talk or get any of his things, don't agree to give it time or in any other way leave things wishy-washy. Make a swift clean break.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I will say I KNOW that I've tried this before -- and somehow he gets drunk and something ends up happening.


Just cut your losses. The only reason things are "complicated" is because, for some strange reason, you care about what he thinks. 

Time to ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable asserting yourself and kicking him to the curb. Also time to ask yourself why you are with a drunk. At four months in - shared clients or not - tell him you want to end it. THEN END IT.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you look for “reasons” to stay obviously you’ll find them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you go you know what he will do....you should not be surprised when he does it and talking to him has not done anything in the past why now so you think ?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Please, don't start making excuses, such as he brings business your way, if you do, then YOU are pimping yourself. Self respect goes a long way. DTMFA.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It is also a bit complicated because he started sending me clients for my business -- so now we SHARE some clients.


You realize continuing your relationship with someone like him WILL eventually, one way or another, damage your reputation and your business, right?



redpandapanda2 said:


> He had purchased airline tickets for me to come on a trip with him this weekend -- and I am wondering what to do. Should I just tell him to cancel it? Go on the trip and try to have a serious talk with him?


Why would you put yourself in the position of being in a strange place with a man who clearly wants to groom, force, and coerce you into sex acts you are not willing to participate in? Screw the plane tickets. He can take a hooker along. End the relationship TODAY.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I think you have a consensus of good and consistent advice from all of the previous responses.
Another point to consider - you need to be able to respect your BF/husband for a relationship to work. (Even if he never brought it up again, which is extremely unlikely), Can you even really respect a man who is into watching his GF/wife give herself to other random men?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He had purchased airline tickets for me to come on a trip with him this weekend -- and I am wondering what to do. Should I just tell him to cancel it? Go on the trip and try to have a serious talk with him?
> 
> I will say I KNOW that I've tried this before -- and somehow he gets drunk and something ends up happening...
> 
> As I mentioned in my initial post -- it's been one thing after another ...


Do NOT go anywhere on a trip with him. You could end up being a victim of human trafficking. These guy isn't right. Don't take a chance. Just tell him you need to call it off.

Don't do it in person! Text him and tell him you are breaking it totally off with him and then block him from contacting you. Tell him you were creeped out or whatever, but then block him because he'll just try to keep talking you into it.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

UPDATE:

I blew up last night on the phone and told him how gross it all was -- and that it still bothers me that the LAST time we were together he was calling another guy to come watch us again. You know what he said? He said it was a BLUFF. That he doesn't even know a guy by the name of Tony and it was a fake conversation to test me....and see how I would act. He said it wasn't real. I said you were ON THE PHONE with the guy. He said that it was a fake conversation...and that again it was NOT REAL. I said WHY would you do that to me? I had already said this wasn't something I would do -- why would you need to TEST me again? He said that he was probably just buzzed and it will never happen again. But then said I am not handling this well and that I should have more FINESSE and less anger -- and that he doesn't like being called a liar....and that he is NOT a liar...and not a bad person. Told me he's not sure if he can recover from these accusations against him....



DownByTheRiver said:


> Do NOT go anywhere on a trip with him. You could end up being a victim of human trafficking. These guy isn't right. Don't take a chance. Just tell him you need to call it off.
> 
> Don't do it in person! Text him and tell him you are breaking it totally off with him and then block him from contacting you. Tell him you were creeped out or whatever, but then block him because he'll just try to keep talking you into it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Uh... not sure why you’re still even talking to him. Have some respect for yourself you can do better than this guy.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I'm not sure why I am having such a tough time letting go.... I guess it was just the IDEA of what we had... It's just so disappointing...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you're involved with an alcoholic. You think this is bad? Just stay with him if you want to see how completely INSANE things can get. Because you ain't seen nothin' yet. Believe me. I know from experience.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> I blew up last night on the phone and told him how gross it all was -- and that it still bothers me that the LAST time we were together he was calling another guy to come watch us again. You know what he said? He said it was a BLUFF. That he doesn't even know a guy by the name of Tony and it was a fake conversation to test me....and see how I would act. He said it wasn't real. I said you were ON THE PHONE with the guy. He said that it was a fake conversation...and that again it was NOT REAL. I said WHY would you do that to me? I had already said this wasn't something I would do -- why would you need to TEST me again? He said that he was probably just buzzed and it will never happen again. But then said I am not handling this well and that I should have more FINESSE and less anger -- and that he doesn't like being called a liar....and that he is NOT a liar...and not a bad person. Told me he's not sure if he can recover from these accusations against him....



That's some seriously screwed up gaslighting and it's a total reach. This guy is BAD news. Someday you're going to be in a situation where he has promised your sexual favors to someone and the guy won't take no for an answer. 

My BF and I were out to dinner one night and some guy we didn't know struck up a conversation. It became pretty clear very quickly he was looking for a little threesome fun. BF got me the hell out of there as fast as possible just in case the guy became insistent. You just don't know what is going through the mind of strangers. 

If you stay with him you're going to end up in a dumpster in the back of a cheap motel. 

We all have disappointments in life...don't let this one kill you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re very naive if you believe that bs story of his.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm not sure why I am having such a tough time letting go.... I guess it was just the IDEA of what we had... It's just so disappointing...


Your indecisiveness in just ending this, as you know you should, is only serving to incentivize him. He is trying to manipulate you. His acting all hurt over being called a liar is a perfect example. He acts like he is going to end it because you called him a liar for saying he wasn't on the phone, when even if true he was then lying about being on the phone with someone. Either way he was lying. Its all a game to him and your playing right into his hands. Just break it off cleanly and definitively leave nothing open for interpretation. Then go full no contact block him on everything, if he shows up at your place tell (don't ask, tell) him to leave, if he doesn't call the police. There is something off with this guy, I have a bad feeling about him and it's not just creepiness.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I guess it was just the IDEA of what we had... It's just so disappointing


You are 100% correct -- it was the IDEA -- the fake image -- that you will miss. You now have your eyes opened to the REAL him -- the REAL relationship. Think on that and try to take off the rose colored glasses.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He says he may not recover from your accusations?

Then don't. And let him go away a find someone who's into his ideas of fun.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would report him to the police, just in case.
Just in case, you end up missing.

You should suggest that they do a sting operation on him.
Using a minor. A fake one.
A minor with a major itch.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Should I just tell him to cancel it? Go on the trip and try to have a serious talk with him?


No, don't go. I was serious when I said run. Run away as far and as fast as you can, before he puts you in real danger/harm during one of his drunken fests. Take care of YOU.


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