# New To The Board - Looking For Advice On PA



## helplessromantic (Jun 28, 2011)

Hi, I came across this board by accident and I'm glad I did.*

My wife of 2 years had a physical affair a month ago. I found out through an email I came across that she cheated while on a vacation without me (busy time of year at work). She created a new email account and emails the guy almost daily with talk of meeting up again. This has been devastating.*

Things seem very good between us right now though and much better than before her vacation. I did have issues of insecurity and lack of confidence but I've made steps to correct this and have come a long way. *She doesn't know I found out about the affair and I don't want to bring it up because of the way things are right now. *There's no lack of intimacy either as we're more intimate as ever before.

In the past I may have been guilty of feeling like I didn't deserve her, which lead me to become overwhelming and *smothering. I feel this may have driven her to an affair. I know I'm not supposed to blame myself but I feel like I should shoulder some of the blame.*

I'm a very dedicated husband*(cook and clean every night, share the chores, etc.). *It hurts to think this goes unappreciated.*

How can she talk about meeting up with the OM through email yet plan out trips with me 8 months from now?*I want to stay with her despite this but don't want to be viewed as a doormat

Any advice as to what I should do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So if everything is good then why not have an open marriage? 

I personally would tell my wife, she can choose to stop all contact with OM or leave.

You can't control her but you can control what you diserve and what you tolorate, by asking her to stop.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Advice? Man up, plain and simple. You don't want to be a doormat? Don't act like one.

If you're not going to confront her about it, she's never going to stop. So, you either remain a doormat and live in the open marriage you now have - and she continues to do as she pleases, despite whatever you might think or want - or you confront, address the issue(s) in your marriage, work together at it, etc... Or, you leave. 

Not being short, but it's a plain choice. You can't have it both ways. She, unfortunately, can for as long as you allow her to.

And btw get tested for STD's in the meantime, and do not engage in unprotected ex under any circumstances.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

you have an open marriage whether you like it or not. you know she's messing around...you're choosing to let it happen.

you ARE a doormat if you don't address this with her ASAP.

you should venture to the men's section and read some of their advice... you'll see that you are the very definition of doormat right now.

I'm sorry you're hurting...it really sucks what she's doing to you but you're the only one who can put the wheels in motion to make the hurting stop.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Set her straight. You said that in the past you felt like you didn't deserve her, well now it's time to make her feel like she doesn't deserve you, because she doesn't and this act of unfaithfulness proves it. If you want to stay together thats fine, but you need to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand.

Have some respect for yourself, because no one deserves this. Right now you are showing that you are a door mat that has welcome written all over it. You can do what needs to be done and still keep your marriage, that is if she is willing.

I wish you the best of luck!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

helplessromantic said:


> My wife of 2 years had a physical affair a month ago. I found out through an email I came across that she cheated while on a vacation without me (busy time of year at work).


Why are you already letting her go on separate vacations? Why aren't you going as a couple? 



helplessromantic said:


> She created a new email account and emails the guy almost daily with talk of meeting up again. This has been devastating.*


Yes, the secret email account and the secret cell phone, two of the most common tools used in cheating. Of course its devastating.



helplessromantic said:


> Things seem very good between us right now though and much better than before her vacation.


Because she's playing you right now. She's cake eating, enjoying all kinds of sex with her OM and coming home to a man that treats her like a princess.



helplessromantic said:


> I did have issues of insecurity and lack of confidence but I've made steps to correct this and have come a long way.


What steps have you takento improve your low self esteem?



helplessromantic said:


> *She doesn't know I found out about the affair and I don't want to bring it up because of the way things are right now. *There's no lack of intimacy either as we're more intimate as ever before.


So you enjoy sloppy seconds? You enjoy sharing your wife with another man? If you're afraid of confronting her, then you really don't have much hope. Sooner or later, she's going to give you the ILYBINILWY speech.



helplessromantic said:


> In the past I may have been guilty of feeling like I didn't deserve her, which lead me to become overwhelming and *smothering. I feel this may have driven her to an affair.


So in effect, you've been a doormat to her, been too nice to her. You feel like you don't deserve her? Maybe she feels that way too since you treat her like a princess. See, women don't respect men who treat them right and spoil them. They don't respect that. You remind me of the super sensitive Elliot character in the movie Bedazzled.

http://youtu.be/u5WUUZbT2Sk



helplessromantic said:


> I know I'm not supposed to blame myself but I feel like I should shoulder some of the blame.*


Wrong. None of it is your fault. You are only responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage before the A. She is 100% responsible for the cheating. If she's cheating on you and you have nothing wrong, then this is even worse. She has no respect for you whatsoever. 



helplessromantic said:


> I'm a very dedicated husband*(cook and clean every night, share the chores, etc.). *It hurts to think this goes unappreciated.*


And she doesn't respect you for it. Simple as that.



helplessromantic said:


> How can she talk about meeting up with the OM through email yet plan out trips with me 8 months from now?


Because she wants her cake and eat it too. You're just the back up plan, the steady man, while she goes out and f#cks other men. Until you realize this, she's going to do this over and over again for as long as you accept this and are married to her.



helplessromantic said:


> *I want to stay with her despite this but don't want to be viewed as a doormat


But you ARE viewed as a doormat to her. Why would you want to stay with her? There are plenty of women out there who would want a supportive, faithful husband. But they don't want a cuckhold either, which is what you are being.



helplessromantic said:


> Any advice as to what I should do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kids yet? Cheating on you so early in the marriage? Separate your finances, lawyer up, and kick her @ss to the curb if you have any respect for yourself.


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## helplessromantic (Jun 28, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your helpful responses.

lordmayhem:

As for the separate vacations, I had done a backpacking trip before I met her and she was a little bitter she never did one. I encouraged her to go with a friend as I couldn't get away from work when the trip was scheduled.

The OM is still out of the country, so there has not been anymore sex. I figured it was a one time deal and would definitely not put up with continued physical contact.

I certainly see how I'm acting like a doormat and it will stop as of today.

Thank you again for your reply, it was exactly what I have been thinking but needed to be told.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You got to be joking right? So, if everything is all good- Why are you here? Like the guy said- Good luck with the open-marriage thing. You and Vandelay aren't in the same area... are you? UNBELIEVABLE.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd how can you be sure the OM isn't the other vacation?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

helplessromantic said:


> I'm a very dedicated husband*(cook and clean every night, share the chores, etc.). *It hurts to think this goes unappreciated.*


No you are a cuckold. A cuckold will do exactly what you have done. Accept the crumbs from your wife while she laughs at you behind you back. Your wife will continue the affair because you allow her to. Just because she will do you while thinking of him doesn't mean ****. She has enough mental images to last her until her next vacation without you. Like others have said. Man up.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

cooking and cleaning every night and sharing chores is really awesome of you.

That stuff is great when you have a faithful and loving wife....as it stands now though you better check your forehead for a tat that reads, "Doormat"


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Are you sure it's only one guy? Once we get our hands into the cookie jar, it's so hard not to eat a 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th cookie if we don't get caught.

What you're basically saying is that you're still getting sex, she's still with you and seems happy so you're happy living in ignorant bliss.

It never stops with one. The only time it stops with one is if the cheating spouse becomes so remorseful that they just shut down from guilt. Doesn't seem like your wife is.

BTW get tested, getting an STD or Aids is not what I call a loving gift. And get all the evidence you can find and show it to her. And you now know that she can never be trusted to go alone on a vacation without you ever.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Take your testicles back. Confront her and give her the choice, you or him and if you there is lots of advice on setting boundaries.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whether you like it or not---this must be "outed", and stopped, YESTERDAY

So your wife gets her vacation, and forms a liason, and takes another man onto herself, that was some kind of vacation!!!!

Does she come home to you every night, look you in the eyes, and say everything is wonderful, I am so in love with you----EVEN AS SHE IS PLANNING TO MEET UP WITH ANOTHER AND GIVE HERSELF TO HIM----Just out of curiosity---is there something wrong with that picture

You need to "out" this now, and let the chips fall where they will---if you do not stop this, she will just continue deeper into the A.

The other guy is away---now is a good time for you to force the issue---for if your wife decides to stay with you, then she can start to get over him, and he won't be around to push her, and try to continue, on having his little sex games with your wife, also the electronic contact must stop---NC needs to go out by E-Mail, and you watch it go----this is absolutely a necessity.---NC, is done this way, and this way ONLY

You must confront, set up boundaries, that have consequences----the longer you let this go---this harder it will be to stop it

Just as a question to you----what is so really bad about your mge., that your wife would take another man onto herself

I will also tell you that you have a major problem, that this is happening so early in this mge.---this kind of thing happens 10 or 12 yrs down the road, when things do get boring, and same old, same old, not 2 yrs in, when you should both be very much in love with each other

If you do stay---you need to have some forced communication tween the 2 of you


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