# Limbo is torture.



## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

13 months post D-day, and I still consider myself in limbo. Some days, I want to try. Others, I want to move on with my life. I catch glimpses of what we used to be, then I have memories of the events that crushed my heart.

It's hard to put energy into anything else. I hate this.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Right there with you. If there is a hell, this is it.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Right there too, it's not for the weak I tell you. It's hard core stuff.
Ditto DD.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm 2 months post DDay to the day. It is an absolute living hell. Exhausting. I'm in limbo too. My WW knows it and is freaked out.

I hate this so much. There's no end in sight, no solution, no relief. It's distracting me at work a lot too. 

I loathe that I have been put in this hellish ****ing situation. 

I feel for all of you my friends.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Limbo is absolutely awful. Sorry for all of your pain too.

Where did we go wrong? Why? How could you lie, and why do you continue to lie? This stuff sucks.

Hang tough...it can get better. Mine lasted about 8 months post d-day, then it began to change when I firmly decided for D.

Two years later I still think about it every day, but the pain is mostly gone. It did change me forever more.

I am happiest now when I look forward instead of back. It is not always possible, but I try. I feel like a phoenix; burned to the ground, and now ready to take flight as a new being.

Remember the pain and try to use it to learn. It may be your only silver lining at this time. Use it to develop healthier new relationships with your WS, or when you start over.

Chin-up, it will get better!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well not to make you feel any worse but Im 5 years from DD, 3 years in R (partly false) and I still have the same thoughts!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So what keeps you all committed to R?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> So what keeps you all committed to R?


Insanity, clearly.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The-Decieved said:


> Insanity, clearly.


LMAO! Painfully true!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

“Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.” 

F. Scott Fitzgerald


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Limbo does suck... I got in a routine. I force myself to do it many times. I go to the gym. I like the results and I feel good.

When I was really in limbo, I focused on work and anything positive. I engaged new hobies and enjoyed the moments. Sunsets, hike, walks... I got my kids taking pictures now...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why are you tolerating limbo?

Sounds like you are wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve it. 

What a colossal waste of your precious years....

Get out. Now! Go live for *you*.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Why are you tolerating limbo?
> 
> Sounds like you are wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve it.
> 
> ...


Easier said than done, sadly.


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## DavidW (Dec 31, 2012)

Why are we tolerating limbo? Something that can very easily be answered in general, the pain of divorce still seems too large, and the pain we've been through has wore us down to not want to deal with any more. Hence, Limbo....


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

DavidW said:


> Why are we tolerating limbo? Something that can very easily be answered in general, the pain of divorce still seems too large, and the pain we've been through has wore us down to not want to deal with any more. Hence, Limbo....


Very accurate.
.
I kick myself a bit because before this anytime life crapped on me, I could look at how good my life is and give myself the "could be worse" speech. 

There are people in the world with no limbs, parents of 32 kids that got slaughtered at that school, the list goes on but that list has lost its power to make me realize how good I have it.

I am not stupid, I know I am very fortunate but looking at someone else's terrible situation has lost its ability to show me silver linings.

I don't think I have the balls to get a divorce. When my sister and her husband split up last year, I reassured my son that mommy and daddy won't ever do that. She was probably screwing him the day I was telling the kids that.

My mom told me that same thing when I was a kid a little later my folks separated. I was mortified. I remember how it felt. I can't do that to my son. I dont want to.

So, limbo.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

DD:
Hang in there....one of the things you do have going is the most remorseful wife on TAM. I am still rooting for you guys but I also understand that you are in pain.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

DavidW said:


> Why are we tolerating limbo? Something that can very easily be answered in general, the pain of divorce still seems too large, and the pain we've been through has wore us down to not want to deal with any more. Hence, Limbo....


I think that the reason you folks stay in limbo is because your self-image is so tied up with the image of your wanna-be marriage.

The reality: Your marriage is not the way you think it is. Nor will it be. 

Become who you were before you got married.* You.* Get out of limbo. Its no good....as you've already stated.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> DD:
> Hang in there....one of the things you do have going is the most remorseful wife on TAM.


The most articulate for sure. She has a degree in psychology, no?

On topic, it's only when I reconciled with the idea of leaving I got the capacity to give it another shot. I believe you have to be at peace with either option, then the anxiety that keeps you in limbo slowly dissolves.

Perhaps give yourself a deadline, say "if it doesn't get any better in a month, I file and I'll be alright on my own".


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Part of the problem is inability to control myself. 
As I sit here, it feels like someone is standing on my chest.

I am sore and tried and I have a headache I am anxious. But I sit at a desk by 90 people. I can't go run or hit a heavy bag. I can't turn it off or work it out. As far as I can tell I don't have any control over it.

That is a hard thing to experience for months on end. And it is a great reminder of how things are. How do I send my mind elsewhere when I feel like I have been beaten up. I don't think divorce would make that go away.

The only thing that really gets me out from under this is going flying which is too expensive to do frequently and playing with my kids. Everywhere else, I feel like a pressure cooker.


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## DavidW (Dec 31, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I think that the reason you folks stay in limbo is because your self-image is so tied up with the image of your wanna-be marriage.
> 
> The reality: Your marriage is not the way you think it is. Nor will it be.
> 
> Become who you were before you got married.* You.* Get out of limbo. Its no good....as you've already stated.


I don't really think that's the case. I'm not tied into an image right now of what I think my marraige will be like. My wife has been remorseful and understanding of the pain. I can't even think about what might come out of a R right now, I just know I'm not ready to jump to D. I'm in pain, and sometimes emotional decisions just don't make sense in the long run. I'm hoping that I'll have clarity enough someday to know what I want, but as long as there is still hope the R will work, im not calling it quits. 

The feeling sucks, and it feels helpless, but the reality is there is still pain with divorce.. it's powerful enough for us to just deal with the helplessness and see just how serious our spouse is about making things better. I don't want to hurt my children, some people might have other reasons, but I do love my wife, I just don't trust her. I'm giving her a chance to rebuild that and as long as she works at it, what's wrong with that? I'll still feel empty after a D for a while, I've had a long term relationship before and just told her to pack her bags, we didn't have the ties I have with my wife. I was still sick to my stomach after that for 6 months but was strong enough to keep saying No even when she wanted to work it out.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Do we ever really recover from cheaters? Even if they "stop", how could you recover from the pain and betrayal?? I don't think I'm that evolved yet.


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## DavidW (Dec 31, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> Part of the problem is inability to control myself.
> As I sit here, it feels like someone is standing on my chest.


Hang in there buddy! I'm rooting for you too! I'm riding the same boat, and I think this will be a long boat ride, unfortunately.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

DevastatedDad said:


> That is a hard thing to experience for months on end. And it is a great reminder of how things are. How do I send my mind elsewhere when I feel like I have been beaten up. I don't think divorce would make that go away.


It's not about divorce per se, but about being at peace with any outcome.

I'm an office rat too, so I know where you coming from. My situation kept me in limbo for two months. More details here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34980-d-not-d.html

I can relate to how you feel at work. It impacted my capacity too, so I had to explain to my manager. Fortunately he was understanding and helpful, giving some slack for me.

Deciding on D gave me some breathe room, and it was my wife's breakdown that tipped me into R in the end. Tacit understanding by both parties that I can dissolve the marriage at any moment on short notice helped the process a lot.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

It was so much easier dealing with the betrayal when we were separated. 

My WW asked me the other day "are you staying because it's the easier road to take?". I said "actually, this is far more difficult. R is the hard road". 

Being away from her, out being social, seeing other women. I hardly thought about the betrayal. Now that she came back it's on my mind 23.5 hours a ****ing day.


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## DavidW (Dec 31, 2012)

I think that the song that best represents my feeling at the moment is 'Madness' by Muse. Of course, I hope to conclude the same way the song does, but right now, it feels like Madness, and I don't know if it's love or insanity.. lol. I could listen to that song over and over right now... just feels right.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

16 months after first DDay, have had trickle truth since... 
It's hell on earth, I totally agree with this. I'm in total limbo.
It's torture really, mentally and physically. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. We're in MC and IC, I go back and forth all day from I can do this to I can't. I'm not sure that will ever go away. He's ruined me. I am no longer the person I used to be.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> 16 months after first DDay, have had trickle truth since...
> It's hell on earth, I totally agree with this. I'm in total limbo.
> It's torture really, mentally and physically. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. We're in MC and IC, I go back and forth all day from I can do this to I can't. I'm not sure that will ever go away. He's ruined me. I will no longer be the person I used to be.


Ain't it grand?


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

LOL! Insanity versus love, there's a thin vail separating the two don't you think?!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I am against revenge affairs, and really don't advocate re-bound relationships....BUT....

The thing that helped me was an epiphany that my "soulmate" of 23 years was not the only fish in the sea. Once I let go of my efforts to "rug sweep", "false R", "endure for the kids", etc. I started a new journey. I started moving beyond the regular 180 stuff and began looking for new prospects. I called it "window-shopping" at the time.

It was not the "proper" thing, and I had not declared officially that I was getting the divorce.

In hind-site, it was the thing that started to remove my pain and fear with hope and healing. 

I also decided money should not be part of my reason for staying in R.

I made the effort not to become involved, date, etc. until I had separated physically and filed for D.

No regrets. I discovered that there were other available women who were kind, sweet, honest, decent, grateful, and attractive.

Limbo soon disappeared, and I began down my new path to a D.

I would also say that everyone has their own pace for recovery. Dating should be done only when ready, and with prudence.

I can't speak for those that decided to fully R. I do admire those that can. In my case, plan B proved to be the better choice.

May all of you be out of your Hell soon!


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

snap said:


> It's not about divorce per se, but about being at peace with any outcome.
> 
> I'm an office rat too, so I know where you coming from. My situation kept me in limbo for two months. More details here
> 
> ...


Hey Snap - I just read your thread. Your English is better than most people who speak it as their mother tongue.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks  English is my third language.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

snap said:


> Thanks  English is my third language.


Very articulate my friend, and your grammar is impeccable.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

I'm in a limbo of sorts, but I know my marriage is over. The limbo is trying to convince my heart what my minds knows. Only three weeks out from the latest D-Day though, so I guess that's to be expected. It's all compounded by the fact I know this is going to effect our children as well as me for the rest of their lives.

I hate this.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

hey. Its not limbo. Its ”the fog” we are in a ”fog” we don't know what we are doing.
now we can all feel better. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> Easier said than done, sadly.





DevastatedDad said:


> hey. Its not limbo. Its ”the fog” we are in a ”fog” we don't know what we are doing.
> now we can all feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TD: Very true!

DD: Even after filing for D, I still have anxiety and the pressure on my chest is too much sometimes. For now sleep is the one thing I know I need but still hard to do without waking up in the middle of the night and feeling the sadness. Eating is also a problem for me. The reminders will always be there and the FOG as we put it just lingers. As I lose weight from the devastation she has caused it only makes me want to lose more weight and hit the gym more and more which I have been doing and stop feeling sorry for myself to show the WS what she will be missing. Take a deep breath and pray for the courage and the strength to pull us all through this shiatstorm!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The-Deceived said:


> Easier said than done, sadly.


There is a lot of crap in this world that is easier said then done, but its the difficult stuff that brings us great reward!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

DevastatedDad said:


> hey. Its not limbo. Its ”the fog” we are in a ”fog” we don't know what we are doing.
> now we can all feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, well our "fog" must have come from hell's @ss.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Yep right there with you and we have very similar DDays. For me limbo started almost day 1. About a month into this sh1t I told her I was done. Her begging and crying brought me back. 

The last month or so I was very, very seriously considering divorce. Even trying to figure out where I would live, etc. Last weekend we started talking about "us" and the topic of divorce came up. She very compassionately gave me a very easy out. Said she wanted me to be happy and wanted me to heal. Even though she wants almost more than anything for us to stay together. 

It felt very real that maybe D was going to happen which honestly scared the crap out of me. I love her but hate her. My dating value is very high so I know I would not be alone but I absolutely hate the idea of ripping my family apart. 

Why do we stay? Why, why, why? 

Sometime I really love her and see positive changes in her that would lead to a positive future. Sometime I feel like a chump and too weak to leave. But other times I remind myself how she cuckolded me and the absolutely most terrible things that another human being has ever done to me and want to get the eff out of the whole situation. 

It seems like too much to freaking figure out and I'm no dummy.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> Yep right there with you and we have very similar DDays. For me limbo started almost day 1. About a month into this sh1t I told her I was done. Her begging and crying brought me back.
> 
> The last month or so I was very, very seriously considering divorce. Even trying to figure out where I would live, etc. Last weekend we started talking about "us" and the topic of divorce came up. She very compassionately gave me a very easy out. Said she wanted me to be happy and wanted me to heal. Even though she wants almost more than anything for us to stay together.
> 
> ...


I know exactly where you are, and you'll probably be there for a while. I know I am after nearly two years post DD. 

Sadly, logic doesn't apply to this infidelity crap. Which in turn also means that you can't heal solely by the use of logic thinking.

You need to stomach the whole thing, and only time and being present in the now will help you do that.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

OMG right where I am..... Without the answers I can't make an informed choice and then where the heck am I going to go? I hadn't planned or even dreamed of anything more than where and what "we" were doing. I have no dreams and I certainly don't have any wants except the one I can't have. Now What? I lost my faith there is nothing more to turn too. DDsy 1 yr 5 months


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

I definitely understand the pain of limbo! It is horrible. My husband hasn't talked to me in almost a month. He just moved out - didn't tell me he was leaving me (actually, his mistress did). Hasn't told me anything. 

I have coped by not dwelling on it. I know it is easier said than done, but, the way I see it, dwelling on it, thinking about it, or even waiting for him to man up to what he has done to me and our family won't help it any. I choose to wait to worry about it until such a time that I either get divorce papers or he picks up the phone. In the meantime - I don't have to worry about him anymore. I don't have to make sure that he gets up on time for work, I don't have to worry about whether or not he pays a specific bill, I don't have to worry about whether or not he loses his job - I only have to worry about me, and it is about damn time, too. 

I know it's hard right now, but over the past month, I have realized a number of things about myself that I had been blind to. I am getting to know me again - and I am happy. Lonely and sad, but happy. 

Nothing is permanent - don't let this beat you.

If you want to know the depth of my situation, you can read my blog: My Journey to Self Discovery


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

This helps me sometimes during the torture of limbo: 

Graham Greene, "The Power and the Glory":
"Someday I'll walk away and be free and leave the sterile ones their secure sterility. I'll leave without a forwarding address and walk across some barren wilderness to drop the world there. Then wander free of care like an unemployed Atlas."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Unsubscribing from this thread. 

As much as it is painful and all the choices suck. Not making choices sucks and has no future. Pissing and moaning on this thread will perpetuate the hell that is limbo. This thread should be closed. We are all better than this.

I am getting out of this hell.

Not Falling


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Clash said:


> 13 months post D-day, and I still consider myself in limbo. Some days, I want to try. Others, I want to move on with my life. I catch glimpses of what we used to be, then I have memories of the events that crushed my heart.
> 
> It's hard to put energy into anything else. I hate this.


this so sums up my daily thoughts...hugs to you


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