# Tough marriage



## boy&girlmom1990 (Feb 25, 2019)

Hi everyone, just seeking marriage advice. I've been married for about 6 years and have been together for 8 years with my husband. We have two kids, a boy 6 and a girl 3. I'm looking forward to the feedback.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

boy&girlmom1990 said:


> Hi everyone, just seeking marriage advice. I've been married for about 6 years and have been together for 8 years with my husband. We have two kids, a boy 6 and a girl 3. I'm looking forward to the feedback.



?? Feedback on what issue?


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## boy&girlmom1990 (Feb 25, 2019)

Hi! Sorry not sure if this was the forum to post it...lol

To keep a long story short as much as possible I will try to be brief. 
My husband and I had always struggled to communicate and understand each other. My husband would try to ignore a lot of what bothered him and so it came out as irritability and snappy harsh remarks. 
Of course It was hard for me to try to be understanding of the issue after multiple episodes of passive aggressiveness on his part...its always been hard to be sympathetic and solve the underlying problem.

But recently he has been diagnosed with severe depression. And I guess he has been depressed his whole life, due to an abusive childhood. 
I knew he probably had depression by me googling his odd quick tempered behavior, and tried telling him maybe he needed help. It wasn't until he developed chronic pain and was given anti-depressants for it, that the depression really came out more.
We had Kaiser insurance that refused to take him off the meds, so we switched insurances and I took him to the doctor's who would finally take him off of the meds that weremaking his moods worse.
Next thing I knew they took him away to a mental institute. He had gotten so depressed he started having suicidal thoughts. he said he would have not done anything, but he thought about it. So he stayed in the institute for three days. It seemed everything would be better when he was done. He learned a lot there on what he was doing wrong in the relationship, and apologized and realized how toxic his behavior has been. He finally was also able to acknowledge his depression. But nothing really has changed....his moods have been just as bad as if he was on the meds.

his severe depression has been taking a toll on the family. We can't connect as a couple, for when we are even out on dates he is just there...there's really not much of a contribution to the conversations or any joy to be shared. I know this may sound selfish, and I'm aware of depression being an un controllable disease...but due to our rough marriage before any of the official diagnosis anyway, it makes it harder to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Even as him being a father, it's harder for him to connect with the kids. He simply just won't want to interact, he'd rather do his own thing. now it makes sense due to his diagnosis, but it hurts me to see the kids affected as well. He is mostly irritable and snappy at them as well. 
I care about him, and I want him to be better. But it's hard not having my needs met, and having me meet everyone else's needs. I try my best for self care, like talking to my family and seeing friends. But It's my marriage that is making me sad, so I come back home feeling the same.

I think about divorce to be truthfully honest, but because of his mental state I'm very afraid of him becoming suicidal and trying to hurt himself if I were to leave. Because of his toxic family, he pretty much only has me. And one very good friend, but his friend lives 3 hours away. 

So I guess I just don't know what action plan to take in my situation.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP my heart goes out to you. Living with someone with depression will suck the life out of you if you let it. It's very hard to do.

Is your husband seeing a professional to help him? Can you go into those appointments?

I understand that he's not well, but he's married with children. He's not the only one affected by his illness. He needs to make a conscious effort to get well. If he won't, well, sometimes you have to save yourself honey. Your kids will suffer with two parents with this mental illness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs counselling, hopefully your insurance can cover this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He needs professional help. He needs to be on the correct medication/s. You said he was worse on meds he had taken before, clearly that was NOT the right drug to treat his depression.. it can take A LOT of trial and error to find a drug or a combination of drugs that actually help him. If he isnt willing to get that help for himself, sad to say, but really there isnt anything that you can do about it. You worry about suicide or him self harming if you were to leave... unfortunately, this is also beyond your control. YOU are not responsible for the choices that he could make. Hell he could make those choices even if you are there. What you CAN do is encourage him to get real help, let him know you are in his corner. If he refuses to help himself, then you will have a tough choice to make at that point. You have children to consider.


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## boygirlmom (Feb 25, 2019)

Hi I'm actually boy&girlmom1990 but could not recover my account. Tried resetting my password, for some reason nothing was working. 


I Wanted to reply to you all. So yes, now my husband is getting help. He's been getting help for the last two months. And we are currently awaiting DNA results for the best anti depressants since he has been through so many that have not been any help with his mood. 

So there is hope. However I feel like that is all I am going off of as right now. I want to be hopeful and keep our family together, but I also want to be realistic. And I also want to raise my kids in a happy healthy home. My husband has admitted to me in the past few months that he has not been okay most of his life. So if throughout his life he's always felt depression to some degree, most likely it will take a very long time for him to be ok. So I guess my concern is how long can I live off of hope? When we can't connect right now, my needs aren't getting met. And he has experienced zero joy for at least the last year, if not longer. 

I care about my husband, and wish him well. And I really hope the therapy and medication work as quickly as possible. But it's a very lonely marriage. In the meantime my husband isn't well enough to work. We are getting money from his work benefits right now, but it will end soon. I'm worried he will feel worse about himself not able to work. 

I guess I just have a lot of fears and worries about the future. I am aware of other financial help that's out there in cases like this, so I mainly am worried about my husband's mental state more than finances. 

Also I have been to one of his sessions for therapy, and it was helpful. And I just found a therapist for my son to keep the family as healthy as possible.

It's mainly my husband I worry about, since ultimately he will have to bring himself out of this hole. Thanks for the support.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a hard one......could go either way. Time will tell


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