# Son Wants Me To Go To School



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, for anyone who has followed my story, my divorce was final January 31. My ex still doesn't understand why I left...even after the false report to Children's Services, the allegations of phone bugging, etc., she still doesn't get it. After SHE filed a divorce petition against me, she said this when the magistrate asked her if she believed that we were incompatible: "I don't know..." She then pointed at me and said, "This was all his idea...."

But in my post divorce world, I only care about being the best Daddy I know how to be for my 5-year old son. I don't really care if she ever gets it.

Tonight, I called my son from the road. He chatted happily with me about a school bus he had made for me out of Legos. He then said he made it for me so I could ride to school. That I needed to go to school and learn how to quit making bad choices. He said he was going to write about how not to make bad choices in a book for me to read. 

My ex jumped on the line about that time and told me our son has been talking about me hurting his feelings on a recent phone call. She said maybe I could talk things over with him on my next visitation day.

For the life of me, I don't recall doing anything that bad. My son will frequently get mad at me over some misunderstanding and abruptly hang up on me. But I always maintain a calm voice with him, even when he's upset with me. It irked me a little that she was putting me on the defensive like that in front of him. She seems to be doing that more these days. I can't quite put my finger on it, because she always appears to be just trying to help me understand his angst. But I'm not getting a very positive vibe. On the other hand, I don't want to discount my son's hurt, either.

Am I blowing this out of proportion, or was that conversation really messed up?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hurtnohio said:


> Well, for anyone who has followed my story, my divorce was final January 31. My ex still doesn't understand why I left...even after the false report to Children's Services, the allegations of phone bugging, etc., she still doesn't get it. After SHE filed a divorce petition against me, she said this when the magistrate asked her if she believed that we were incompatible: "I don't know..." She then pointed at me and said, "This was all his idea...."
> 
> But in my post divorce world, I only care about being the best Daddy I know how to be for my 5-year old son. I don't really care if she ever gets it.
> 
> ...


She's an inveterate liar.

Trust your gut.

Congrats on the divorce.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Five year-olds don't think or talk like that. He's most likely just repeating what he's been told by Mommy Dearest.

Odds are, when you see him on your visit, the topic won't even come up.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

She is trying to alienate him from you. She sounds like a master manipulator. Is she a therapist? Does she do therapy? My guess is she has told your son all about daddy's poor choices, and that is the reason daddy doesn't live at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Tell your son, thank you, but you have not made bad choices. Change the subject and ask about his activities. Do NOT let your XW control the dynamic of your relationship with your son. She is as toxic as they come! Shame on her for trying to poison your interactions with your son. Be a rock for him, and show him what a mentally stable parent is like.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

your X can't get in your head anymore

now she is trying to with your son

set boundaries on when he calls you

he calls to talk to daddy

not for mom to interrupt when she takes a notion


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

wtf2012 said:


> She is trying to alienate him from you. She sounds like a master manipulator. Is she a therapist? Does she do therapy? My guess is she has told your son all about daddy's poor choices, and that is the reason daddy doesn't live at home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. It is so subtle the kids don't perceive it as Mom talking bad about Dad (or in my case the reverse). But it implies that the other parent is no good and gradually builds the child's perception over time. 

Although my ex DID say bad things about me, he also did subtle things like call the police to check on the welfare of a child (3 HOURS after he spoke to her) because he thought she sounded upset on the phone. So the police came and she was already asleep; I was already in bed... had to wake her up and speak to her alone. But it IMPLIED she was somehow unsafe and the police had to interfere for her well-being and Dad was the one worried so there MUST be a reason he worried about kiddo with Mom....

Make it clear to her NOW that if she discusses ANYTHING about your son with you, be it visitation, support, something he said... it MUST be out of earshot of your son or she needs to put it in an email. The earlier this happens, the easier it is to brainwash and the harder it is to undo.

Alienation can be on purpose or not but it is insidious and cruel an the only means the other parent has of control but it's emotional abuse of the child.

Read "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshack. It outlines the techniques parents use, ways to work with the other parent and ways to combat alienation. Lifesaver. And it never hurts to learn things that make us better parents.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, I laid down some boundaries with my ex. She complained and tried to justify herself, but she did finally agree to honor my boundaries....at least for now. And for the last couple of weeks, she's been doing better. But I'm not holding my breath that she's really changed.

Yesterday, my son said a couple of things that have me thinking now. He started by saying that he was still sad that I don’t live with "us" any more. Notice how he isn't indivduating, but that might be normal for 5-year olds. He went on to say that he had an idea that might make me move back home. He said if I could get a friend at his house and get married, maybe I could move back home. I asked him if he was sad because momma and I weren't married any more and he said yes.

I tried (once again) to explain that sometimes adults don't stay married if they have a hard time getting along. I told him I was sorry that it made him sad, and that I knew it was confusing. He went silent for a moment, then started playing again.

This one really stabbed my gut. It caused me another few moments of self-doubt. But wait, there's more.....

Later on, he started telling me (again) that I made people sad and cry and that I was a bad person. This has been a recurring theme with him lately. I asked him if he could tell me a person I made cry. He said, "One time a long time ago, you yelled at Nana (my mother) and made her cry. "

I'll pause here and fill you in on this incident. My mom is not a very healthy person emotionally. Over the hoildays when I was visiting her (she lives out of state), she was altering a dress for a Bridezilla and it was stressing her out. At the same time, my sister's car broke down and Mom asked me if I could help out (my adult sister lives with my mother).. One night, while my son was nearby, I tried to work out the logistics of repairing the car with my mom. She started catastrophizing (which she frequently does) and I could tell I needed to reign her in before she started freaking out. I firmly said, "Mom...we need to focus on getting the car fixed and then your transportation issues will be resolved and you can then focus on the rest."

When I said that, my mother burst into tears, but we did come up with a plan. I fixed my sister's car. I have no idea what happened with the wedding dress. My mom apologized later for the drama.

I told my son that Nana was upset about a lot of things that day, and that she wasn't crying just because I was talking to her. He said that Momma told him she was crying because I yelled at her.

I knew I had to be careful here, because I don't want to put him in the middle of this. But I asked him if he thought I had yelled at Nana when he saw it happen. He told me that he didn't think I had yelled at Nana, but Momma told him that's why Nana was crying. He had that tone kids have when they're saying, "Well, if Momma says it, it must be true."

So I get that the dysfunction between my ex and me is enough of a distant memory that now he's mainly just missing me. In a way, that's a good thing. At the same time, knowing that my ex still has a warped view of me and tends to attribute bad motives to me in ambiguous situations is troubling. I'm also disturbed that she's teaching him to deny his own perceptions because she has a more sinister take on my actions.

I'll be working to try to teach him how to perceive his world objectively and to trust his own perceptions, while trying hard to avoid any appearance of parental alienation. I feel badly for the little confused guy.


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