# The more I write the worse it gets...



## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

Background: I have been married for 8 years now, its his second and my first. We have 2 preschoolers and 2 highschoolers. He is highly educated and we are solid middle class. I was a homemaker but am currently a student trying to get my bachelors so he can retire and basically be the stay-at-home dad.
The adult kids from his previous marriage are incredibly self-centered and have serious entitlement issues. It is worth noting that they have established careers and are home-owners too.
Examples (They seriously do these from the instant they walk in the door without shame):

None have children but they tell us what to allow ours to do including acceptable movies and the right bedtimes.
What they are allowed to wear (my opinions don't matter)
Where we should live
The house must ALWAYS be perfect (no excuses for even a single dirty dish)
What rooms the kids are allowed to sleep in (not their old rooms, ack!)
What will be done with out belongings (because they will inherit ALL of it, pfft, obviously)
Any buying or selling of properties such as vehicles or homes must include them and be explained (its their inheritance and they have a right to protect their assets)
Refuse to touch my children or acknowledge their presence (all previous still apply though)

Ok, well, that didn't work our so well with me. My husband says I am forcing him to choose because I have told him that they are not welcome in our home or around my kids. 

Problem:
My husband doesn't see a problem with his older kids and I don't want my kids to be them.

I really enjoy going to school and would like to be the one who brings home the bacon but my husband it just terrible, I mean really awful, at homemaking and raising kids. He has no idea how bad he is. Mind you, he's not abusive in any way but he seriously lacks consistency. When he cleans the house its still a mess. I try to teach him but he just doesn't listen to me. 
Example:
I walk in the door at about 7pm. No dinner is done, the kids are not ready for bed (the 3 year old smells suspiciously like poop), toys are everywhere, the kids are telling me their hungry, the floor needs vacuumed, the walls have crayon on them, and hes sitting on the couch playing on his phone. This happened during finals week. I don't even know what to say to him. 

Common questions and his answers to them:
Me: The kids are hungry, we need to make sure they stay on schedule.
Him: They didn't tell me they were hungry! 

Me: The walls need to be wiped down every few weeks and spot washed regularly.
Him: I just did that! 

Kid jumping on couch
Him: You probably shouldn't jump on the furniture.
Kid keeps jumping on the couch
Him: (crickets)
Kid falls and hits his elbow on the coffee table and screams in pain
Him: (loudly so that kid can hear it over his wailing) I TOLD YOU THAT YOU SHOULDN'T JUMP ON THE FURNITURE!
Him: (without moving) Your ok.

So what happens? I still do everything because hes terrible at all of it.

I have considered divorce (I'm doing it all anyway) but he would probably win (my income $0 - his income $alot) so they would be with him and raised just like his others anyway. Three years till I graduate and I think I will just get an apartment with them closer to my University. I hope someone has some insight that might help me figure out how to make this work. All I really want is him to see the problems I do and try to work on them.
In his defense, he cooks almost all the meals (irregularly) and seems want this to work but is almost knowingly sabotaging it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The short story is my guess the older kids dislike you so in turn treat the younger kids like crap, if they acknowledge them as half siblings then they must acknowledge you as a step mother, and they don't want to do that. Were you an affair partner? What's the background of how you married their dad?

As for your husband....your not going to "teach" him anything, he is who he is. Obviously he isn't the man you hoped for so it comes down to learning to accept and tolerate or make a plan to move on. As for him getting the kids in a divorce that isn't necessarily the case, you have been married for eight years and have two children, you have a vested interest in the marriage and he has legal obligations for alimony and support if you divorce. Talk to an attorney, find out your rights.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How old are you; how old is he?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't fully understand. He's a darn good provider, but a lazy parent as far as cleaning and discipline. He cooks quite a bit and washes the dishes. He doesn't out his older kids in line.

You are wanting a divorce because he let's his successful, although obnoxious children, come around? They ARE his kid kids and you demand they can't come around? Isn't that extreme on your part?

Surely you do realize that most men aren't the best homemakers and yes, you are likely right in that he let's his kids walk over you. He likely just wants to keep the peace and doesn't undrstand how it grates on your nerves.

I just don't see how these are divorce able offenses. Is it that you just don't love him anymore? Is he boring you? Do you have sex anymore? Have you any close male friends? Just what is really going on that has caused you to lose your love for him other than a little housekeeping and lazy child rearing, and him letting his kids take over when they're around? Do they come over that often?
Just not really inderstanding
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

He's old, she's younger and about to have her degree. She may have daddy issues. I'm going off of assumptions for what little info was given. DUDE


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

My concern here more is the older children assuming they will inherit everything and working with that assumption without the father correcting them. Is that his assumption too that the four children you have together aren't to be considered?

I might call a lawyer even if just to discuss that. 

Do you two have a will or any kind of estate planning?



> I just don't see how these are divorce able offenses.


If this was a male OP complaining about a lazy wife who sits at home and does nothing and the kids are dirty and unfed people would say divorce her yesterday. Sorry, each person gets to set their boundaries.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Wait a minute...

He makes "$alot" and is a terrible parent.

You will probably make a beginner's salary when you get your degree but right now you make nothing (am I correct) but think you're a good parent.

Why would you want to change this? Why not let him be the breadwinner and you be the good parent?

As for his kids, tell them to f*** off and that you and your husband will make the decisions in your house about your kids and assets.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Facts: You won't approach his earnings for a long time (if ever). He would make a lousy sahd (hell, he's already a lousy dad). He would make a lousy housekeeper. His high school kids are beyond the norm and he should have set them straight but he didn't.
Why does he want to sit at home and play with his phone all day?

Get your degree but do not take over the breadwinning gig. You'll be doing 3 full-time jobs and he'll be playing on his phone.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Children are the number one reason second marriages fail. He feels guilty he wasn't there for his children due to the divorce so he doesn't want to say anything to them to get them mad. You are caught in the middle. They probably don't like you and are jealous of your children because they have a Dad. I don't know how you tell your husband that his kids can't come to visit. If you tell your husband he has to choose between his older children and you he is likely to choose his older children. They should not be telling you how to raise your children. He needs to man up and tell his children to MTOB. You say he isn't a good SAHD but you want to get your degree so you can work and he can be a SAHD? That makes no sense.

Get your degree because if this marriage doesn't work out you will need a good job but stay married so your children will have a stable household because you aren't going to be able to earn nearly enough to support them plus you will be busy with school and probably have to get a job too. You aren't doing it all because he is the one working and bringing in the money.


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

First, I am sorry for the jumbled and rambling lines I write on this subject. I have never spoken to anyone but him about these issues so they are just swimming around in my head. I have also never posted or interacted in a forum before, so please forgive me.
When we decided that I would go back to school it was a joint decision because HE wants to retire. He wants to be the homemaker and I REALLY enjoy my chosen profession. He currently works from home but works outside the home in the summers so the schedules would work out until I graduate. I thought he would rise to the occasion and that it would be a smooth transition for all of us. My chosen career is a STEM job and starts out (conservatively) at $60,000/yr which is enough to support us reasonably especially with my husbands retirement. It is also enough to support the kids and myself if that's the final road. 
I did not meet my husband until about 4 years after he was divorced and it was her infidelity that lead to that mutual termination. 
The teenagers that live with us get along well with me and say they feel closer to me than either of their parents. 
He has 2 twenty something sons that are the problem I spoke about. I agree that he needs to man up but its been 8 years and he just says "tell me what to do". I have told him the truth about how I feel but it seems like he wants me to just set the law so he doesn't have to be the evil one. Which leads to the finger pointing at me.
I am 15 years younger than he is.

Evinrude58- I don't want him to out his older kids but they have even called Child Services on us when I told them to back off and he is still just trying to peace keep. I used to break into cold sweats and clean like a crazy person when I knew they were coming over. How often should you scrub the ceilings? I did it every time they came. Where was my husband for the turbo-cleaning? On his phone, didn't even notice my stress and would get upset when I tried to talk to him about it because he didn't think it needed to be done--the house was fine. Well, the house was fine but I was scared they would see something, somewhere and because I'm the woman it would be my fault the house was a pigsty. I need to feel protected and safe in my own home. Who's going to do that if he won't even try? 
I have no male friends. I love sex and do not do the withholding garbage. I think he could go longer without it than I could. He is way more conservative in bed than I am and we have maybe 2 positions. I have curves in the right places and am not "fluffy" I take pride in my appearance and receive compliments on my style/appearance regularly.

Thank you all for the feedback 

CB


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

DUDE- She may have daddy issues. I'm going off of assumptions for what little info was given. 

I was raised by my father after and mother abandoned us.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You scrubbing the ceilings before his older sons visit you is your issue, not theirs. That's just strange and weird and honestly, cut it out. Who cares if they don't like your house, who cares if they don't like the way you parent. If they do stupid crap like call child services on you, go to a lawyer and find out your options for dealing with them legally. You act like a victim in your own home. Grow some ovaries.

Your husband won't clean the house when he's a SAHD. Face facts, get a cleaner. He won't care for your kids when he's a SAHD, they are going to turn into little monsters under his care, so don't let him be the SAHD. If he's not up to the job, he's just not up to the job. Your plans are not going to work, so change them.

I bet in his eyes you have to control everything and you have unrealistic requirements for cleanliness. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to live with someone who's scrubbing the ceilings before someone comes over to visit. Your kids have a father who acts more like a grandfather and a mother who sounds like she has some serious OCD issues.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

candiceb said:


> DUDE- She may have daddy issues. I'm going off of assumptions for what little info was given.
> 
> I was raised by my father after and mother abandoned us.


what are your ages? Just because you were raised by your father does NOT mean you don't have daddy issues. DUDE


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

When you say "I do it all anyways" isn't your husband working, paying all the bills, and putting you through college? Don't you mean that my husband does a ton, but doesn't meet my standards for house keeping on the nights I'm going to the college he foots the bill for and he's taking care of the kids and the household?

One could say he's basically inherited another child in this arrangement.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I don't want him to out his older kids but they have even called Child Services on us when I told them to back off and he is still just trying to peace keep. I used to break into cold sweats and clean like a crazy person when I knew they were coming over. How often should you scrub the ceilings? I did it every time they came.


What was their justification for calling social services? That your house wasn't clean?


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

knobcreek said:


> When you say "I do it all anyways" isn't your husband working, paying all the bills, and putting you through college? Don't you mean that my husband does a ton, but doesn't meet my standards for house keeping on the nights I'm going to the college he foots the bill for and he's taking care of the kids and the household?
> 
> One could say he's basically inherited another child in this arrangement.


He hasn't paid a dime, its scholarships and grants. I attend full-time as per our agreement so that he can retire in 3 years. I don't expect him to live up to his sons standards.


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> what are your ages? Just because you were raised by your father does NOT mean you don't have daddy issues. DUDE


34 (me) and 49 (him)


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

candiceb said:


> 34 (me) and 49 (him)


Have you always dated such older men? Not judging, I'm just trying to understand your background...DUDE


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

breeze said:


> You scrubbing the ceilings before his older sons visit you is your issue, not theirs. That's just strange and weird and honestly, cut it out. Who cares if they don't like your house, who cares if they don't like the way you parent. If they do stupid crap like call child services on you, go to a lawyer and find out your options for dealing with them legally. You act like a victim in your own home. Grow some ovaries.
> 
> Your husband won't clean the house when he's a SAHD. Face facts, get a cleaner. He won't care for your kids when he's a SAHD, they are going to turn into little monsters under his care, so don't let him be the SAHD. If he's not up to the job, he's just not up to the job. Your plans are not going to work, so change them.
> 
> I bet in his eyes you have to control everything and you have unrealistic requirements for cleanliness. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to live with someone who's scrubbing the ceilings before someone comes over to visit. Your kids have a father who acts more like a grandfather and a mother who sounds like she has some serious OCD issues.


I think your probably right, but I think they are giving me OCD issues because nothing is ever good enough for them. If I understand your suggestion I should just let my dreams of a career go and be a SAHM? Although, I am not sure what to do about the older sons rude comments about my lack of a perfect house when they visit.


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Have you always dated such older men? Not judging, I'm just trying to understand your background...DUDE


About 1/2 have been older 1/4 younger and 1/4 about the same age.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

candiceb said:


> About 1/2 have been older 1/4 younger and 1/4 about the same age.


How many in the double digit older like your husband?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

The only real issue I'm seeing is that of boundaries. In several places.

Is your schedule written out? If not then don't be surprised when it's not followed.

What walls are you washing? I think I've only washed mine once or twice a year (excepting bath/shower rooms which have mold issues).

Re: the older kids - "what do you have to do to get him to understand that this is the home you live in, not his older children. It is the relationship between you two, and your dependent kids, it is this families _home_ not that of the older ones - they have to move on" can't be living around the ghost of their childhood.

The older children might actually have a point about bedtimes, movies, clothing. Although you haven't given us much to work on there - are they going "but everyone's wearing shundies and jeggins these days", or are they disapproving that you're leaving the kids up until 9:30pm, letting them watch horror/slashers, and running around in unwashed clothing.....

Re: Inheritance. That needs to be dealt with asap - for the [older] kids sake. First up, you should be deciding on a fair asset split now. you already said you're making "$nothing" and him "$alot", and from what I'm reading I guess it's his house, and he has "image" he keeps up/has taught his kids. If you come from a family like mine, we're raised in what I term a "dynastic tradition". Everyone is supposed to work _for_ the Family; no not family in the way you know it, Family. Like the old Scots stories of THE McDonald, THE Bruce. The assets and work are all going towards securing things for the future descendants, in such cases things are usually in Trusts and Companies to stop less practical family members (or governments) wasting generations of work and investment. As adults you are the board that looks for opportunities and contributes, and as the eldest yours is the CxO positions to sign off and monitor things. As should be obvious, that it takes some training and upbringing to think of things overall, and not what one person wants to do with "their" money. It might seem annoying, yet that is what keeps these funds going until the adults become too incompetent to pass proper values on to their children. It is also important to involve the children in decisions (At their level) and for them to learn consequences, and also (what is often lax, but used to be too tight) discipline.

OTOH you might have married into a privileged family where money was plentiful and there was no reason to think of, or interact with, others [as people]. As such your partner possibly has not got the social skill you are looking for.

as for the jumping on couch/disobedience. What were you expecting? A man gets in deep trouble for disciplining children these days, and has no legal remedy for discipline should a child decide to disobey.
I would very much like to hear what will actually work in a child that refuses to listen (when one isn't allow to "lay hands upon".


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## candiceb (Dec 22, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> How many in the double digit older like your husband?


2


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

candiceb said:


> 2


Oh, for Pete's sake, that information isn't relevant to the problem. If anyone else asks you such personal data tell them to pound sand. You're younger and he's older. BFD.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

candiceb said:


> Although, I am not sure what to do about the older sons rude comments about my lack of a perfect house when they visit.


I would hand him a mop, and tell him to put up or shut up.

Or you could just call him out on his rude comments. You don't answer to him, and few homes with toddlers are spotless. Why do you feel the need to jump through hoops for your step son's approval? What are you afraid will happen if you tell him he's being rude?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, I'd pretty much tell him that if he has a problem with it then there's the door and he's welcome to use it, otherwise, keep his comments to himself. Straight up is the only language they are going to understand.

As for your dreams for a career, I'm not suggesting you give them up. I imagine you can find a solution for your problem if you put your mind to it.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Oh, for Pete's sake, that information isn't relevant to the problem. If anyone else asks you such personal data tell them to pound sand. You're younger and he's older. BFD.


This could be relevant, how DARE you question the intellect of DUDE...I know this sheet better than anyone, BLONDI!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I dared to question you because you were coming across as quite the perv. Glad to see you have a sense of humor.


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