# Inlaws in our business



## nme360 (Nov 11, 2013)

*In-laws in our business!*

Hi everyone. I'm needing some advice. Right now, me,my husband, and our 16 month old are living with our inlaws. Up until about a year ago, we were living on our own a few hours away, paying rent. My husband got a great paying job where his parents live. They offered for all of us to live with them for a while so we can save money to eventually buy a home in the area. So now, we have saved a lot of money. Almost 25k. We have enough for the down payment, closing costs, etc. my husband and I both work great jobs and make good pay. 
We decided to start looking for houses a few months ago. Everytime we spoke of it, my father on law got really mad. He said we couldn't afford it. So we kept looking but would never tell him about it because of his bad attitude about it. We have decided to build a house. The house will be done in June. We are in underwriting right now and are confident the loan will be approved. 
My mother in law told me last night that she told our father in law. He had a fit. He told her before he LETS us buy a home, he is going to sit down with us so he can see how we are going to afford it. 
I am not okay with this. My husband is not either. Is it rude for us to say that we are appreciative of is being able to stay with them, but we are not going to discuss our finances and buying a house with him? We are not children. I am tired of them treating us like we are. That is another reason why I am so ready to move out. Would anyone else actually sit down with their inlaws to see if they approve of them buying a house? 

Sorry for any grammatical errors, I am on my phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

You moved into his house, so to an extent you do have to live by some of his rules. 

Have you had financial issues in the past? 

I never think it's a good idea to move in with family. I would rather find a cheap apartment and pay rent while saving the extra money than go completely rent free with family. There is always a power play when people move in with family. 

Is there somewhere else you can stay until your house is built?


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## nme360 (Nov 11, 2013)

Yeah I mean we can rent a place til then if we have to. We have never really had money problems but we did not have a lot. He is now making more than twice as much as he was before. We are in a really good place now. I understand that living with them gives them some power, but not the power to tell us we cannot move out and provide for ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

By taking your in-laws offer to live with them, in your FIL opinion(I'm assuming), it shows that you are not financially responsible enough to do things on your own. He sees it as you didn't have the money to take care of yourselves, so he is now footing the bill. If you want him to see you as adults, I would move out and show him. 

My husband and I don't have a lot of money, but I would never move in with family unless absolutely necessary. We do fine on our own by living frugally.


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## nme360 (Nov 11, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> By taking your in-laws offer to live with them, in your FIL opinion(I'm assuming), it shows that you are not financially responsible enough to do things on your own. He sees it as you didn't have the money to take care of yourselves, so he is now footing the bill. If you want him to see you as adults, I would move out and show him.
> 
> My husband and I don't have a lot of money, but I would never move in with family unless absolutely necessary. We do fine on our own by living frugally.




Yeah but would you actually sit down with them to prove you can pay? I'd rather say we have made the decision, move
out, and show them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

*Re: In-laws in our business!*

In general, it's your life, your house, your decision. But....

Out of curiousity, how old are you and your H? How financially experienced and savvy are you? How experienced and savvy is your FIL. I ask, because he might have experience that leads him to think that you're decision might be a mistake. He might legitimately be trying to protect you.

At the end of the day, it's your choice, and yes, it sounds like he's being rude. But, I'm looking for a little more context.


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## nme360 (Nov 11, 2013)

I'm starting to think we should have just never moved in lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: In-laws in our business!*



nme360 said:


> My mother in law told me last night that she told our father in law. He had a fit. He told her before he LETS us buy a home, he is going to sit down with us so he can see how we are going to afford it.


Um. No. Just no way.


> I am not okay with this. My husband is not either. Is it rude for us to say that we are appreciative of is being able to stay with them, but we are not going to discuss our finances and buying a house with him? We are not children. I am tired of them treating us like we are. That is another reason why I am so ready to move out. Would anyone else actually sit down with their inlaws to see if they approve of them buying a house?


Not A Chance. I would do whatever it took to move out ASAP.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

My experience is that parents ALWAYS want to know whats going on. Buying a house is a HUGE step! Both my Dad and my in-laws wanted to know about the process, and mundane things. My dad wanted to make sure I was getting the right inspections, he told me what to look for, etc. These people have decades of owning their own home under their belt. 

They never flat out told me it was irresponsible to buy a house. Or made me sit down and show them the math, BUT we were VERY open about everything with them. 

On the flip side.... 

My brother has money problems. He has come to me seeking advice because our finances are pretty secure. So when my brother tells me his plans that involve copious amounts of money. I will be the first one to say, "show me the math" which really means, "show me that you've thought this out from all angles, and know what your getting into, AND have cushion should an emergency crop up right off the bat. Cause I worry. And I want to make sure that you will be taken care of and alright." 

On a different angle, my friend moved back into her parent's home after a botched relationship. Lived with them for 6 years. When she wanted to move out, her parents said, "NO!"

Their reasoning was because when she moved in, she had made promises to her parents that she would pay rent, etc. She still had outstanding items. So they wanted their money before she was able to fly the coop.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No chance that I would allow my parents, inlaws or anyone else to dictate or approve my life decisions, including house buying, going to college, having kids or anything like that. Sure, I sometimes solicit advice. But I never let it be shoved down my throat.

For the record, I would have never moved in with family. When we were first married we moved into her grandmother's rental house. But we paid fair rent....more rent than the previous tenant had paid. When we purchased our first house we let them know, but no way were we seeking their approval. 

You're a grown up. You have a kid. This is your decision, and you should be offended at anyone trying to butt in.


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## nme360 (Nov 11, 2013)

Please let me add that my father and my mother in law are on board. Everyone BUT my father in law is excited for us. My dad has helped us from finding the builder to negotiating the home price. This is our first home and we are not doing this without any help from people who have experience. It's just his father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

nme360 said:


> Please let me add that my father and my mother in law are on board. Everyone BUT my father in law is excited for us. My dad has helped us from finding the builder to negotiating the home price. This is our first home and we are not doing this without any help from people who have experience. It's just his father.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you asked his father why he isn't on board? Maybe he has a concern that you can lay to rest.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Personally I think it's your husbands job to put a stop to this. There comes a point where every boy has to show his father that he is a man. You FIL sees your husband as still a boy. And why not, he's living under his roof still. Your man has to take a stand.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You learned an important lesson. Free is never free.
Yes, you should move out ASAP. No, you should not sit down with him to review finances.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let's rephrase FIL's quote to: "Before I let my son and his family get themselves into something they can't get out of and affect their future, I want to make sure they've thought of everything and are not being taken advantage of". 

Handle him with appreciation (even if you don't feel it) for his concern and thank him for looking out for your interests. When his concerns are addressed, he'll most likely be on board.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I think there are two separate issues at play here. 

One is a parent's eternal concern for their kids, and wanting to share their experience to protect them from making mistakes (probably mistakes they, themselves, made in the past). That's an impulse that a parent never outgrows. But, with proper boundaries, it doesn't have to be a problem.

The second issue is the FIL trying to impose his demands on his adult son, and, from the OP's perspective, doing it in a rude and authoritarian way, when he has no actual authority in the matter.

I've got an adult daughter now with three kids of her own. What we've settled-on is, when she tells me about something in her life, if I have advice to offer, I ask her, "would you like to hear my opinion?" If she says "no", I keep it to myself and drop it. If she says "yes", I offer my ideas, and then drop it. Sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says no. Boundaries.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

*Re: In-laws in our business!*



nme360 said:


> Is it rude for us to say that *we are appreciative of is being able to stay with them, but we are not going to discuss our finances and buying a house with him*?


No, the bold statement is all you need. You might want to soften it a little, "We are appreciative of being able to stay with you, but we have chosen to tackle this on our own." 



nme360 said:


> Would anyone else actually sit down with their in-laws to see if they approve of them buying a house?


No, unless there were other entanglements (i.e. owing them a large sum of money or if they were offering a loan that was needed)


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

You've been living with your in-laws for 1 year now and this is the first problem you have had?
I have parents that have made the same request / demands of me. Granted, I have not lived with my parents since I was 17.
As papa5280 said, "Boundaries" - key word here.
I just responded to my parents, "I do not need you to co-sign my loan, thus, I am not sure why you need to know. If I don't meet your demands, what will you do about it?"
Bottom line: There's nothing they can do because it's not their money. Worst case scenario, move out or start paying rent right to them and lay down your boundaries.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do NOT sit down with your inlaws and discuss your finances. No way. Not their business.

By all means, have a general chat, take his advice about inspections, rent vs buy etc if that's what YOU want.

But do NOT get out all your financial info, put it out there for him to look at and discuss it.

Ugh, I would never move in with family for this reason.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I also don't think that you should lay out your finances for him. It's honestly not a good idea to give family too much information as it makes them think they then have power over it. Even if he has the best of intentions, it will be damaging to your relationship with him.

I think your husband needs to be the one to deal with it. He can keep it 'nice' though, like, 'while we appreciate your concern, there's nothing to worry about, we have everything under control'. If FIL is REALLY concerned, you could say you'd go see a financial advisor (WITHOUT HIM!), to go over the figures you've calculated.

BTW, congratulations on your first home and I hope everything goes well with it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

nme360 said:


> Yeah but would you actually sit down with them to prove you can pay? I'd rather say we have made the decision, move
> out, and show them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would handle it with finesse. 

I would tell them that I am grateful and appreciative of their concern. I would operate on the assuming that their concern is because they care and love you and want to protect you from the evil financial world out there.

In that light, I would not lay numbers down on the table. I would be vague about the specifics, but let them know that you can afford it, will be fine, and are both happy with the decision and look forward to inviting them to the housewarming party and *frequent *(I would say this, but not necessarily mean it) *visits*.

I get the feeling that FIL's concern is not about prying, or trying to belittle you or making you feel like irresponsible children (although that sometimes goes with being a parent). I would try to make the transition as easy as possible for all of you.

If none of that works (aka: diplomacy) I would do as others have suggested and move out to a neutral location. But first recognize that they are parents, it's hard to let go, I'm sure that they love the both of you and want what's best, and that their intent is probably not to belittle or disrespect you, but simply a parental reflex. Good Luck on your new home!


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