# After 23 Years of Marriage--I'm Back Again



## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Okay, I'm back. I'm confused, and I am so uncertain what to do. I wrote to everyone Christmas time when my husband was having an emotional affair with an old college friend. The holidays approached, and there were promises that he would never contact her, e-mail her, etc. (She lives four states away). This emotional affair led to secret meetings on two occasions before the holidays. Due to this, I received promises that this would never happen again. I went to a marriage counselor, and I worked very hard to salvage our marriage. My husband cried and cried that he would not survive without me and my girls. So, it is now three months later, and I have found secret calls to her; a trac phone traced that I believe is hers, and I believe e-mails have continued. So, what do I do? I have 15 and 16 year old daughters; we have been married for 23 years, and I have asked him to leave now three times. Do I give him another chance? I am an educated woman, average looking, hard worker, fun, etc., etc My heart aches that this is happening. I really don't know what to do. Why doesn't a counselor just give us a clear cut answer? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Also, this relationship has brought the worst out in me. I have contacted this girl's family; have called her a *****, and continuously worry about what is going on. I feel like I am a spy more than a spouse. I have never been jealous before--this has brought the worst out in me! Please give me advice.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

There were promises that he would never contact her said:


> Ok so these are the words that you wrote and i have just quoeted you..What does this tell you????
> 
> He has made empty promises before about this woman he has been in contact with and broken them time after time, which is totaly direspectful to you as a woman and to your marriage, this is not ok...
> 
> ...


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks for your reply. When I saw 20 hours of phone calls per month, I contacted her husband. Her husband sent me her phone bills. When matching them up--it was like "MapQuest". They were both at the same location. After confronting them, they have met twice, once on a nature trail and the other place at a winery. These are two very special places for me--this makes me absolutely sick. We did go to counseling. During counseling sessions, he promised that he would never call, e-mail, etc. I know he called because of the landline phone call history. As far as e-mails, I believe that has happened as I have seen a security change in our computer system. I believe this is used to hide his messages. As of March 26th, he said he will have no more contact. Now, I am just supposed to trust. This is very difficult. My husband confessed that the tract phone was hers. I wanted to contact her husband, but I have given up on that. The counselor labeled this relationship as an emotional affair--obviously, it was. Lastly, I don't know what I want to do. For my girls, I want to save my marriage. For the sake of myself, I am very confused. I want the man I married--not the one that I have now. I know that if I find out anything more about my husband, I am done.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry to hear this, I know the pain sucks. I sometimes wonder if the emotional affair is really all that much "better" than the sexual affair... but I digress with my own thoughts here.

I see the last statement. "I know that if I find out anything more about my husband, I am done." Do you mean that? If you do, (and I don't not think you would be bad in doing so - and perhaps think he is quit lucky that yo uwould give it another chance at all) I think you should put that out on the table for him. Tell him if there is anything you don't knwo that you need to know no because if you find out after now, it wioll be too late. 

And then work on your own hapiness and learn to appreciate just how special you and your kids are even more thatn you do now.

Best Wishes,


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

after 23 years you deserve more than you are getting, this happened to me, my husband actually had a PA with a woman he worked with.......
I told him if he wanted her he could go, I went to the bank changed all the accounts, we signed a separation agreement and we told everyone that he was moving out and we were separating, all very hard on me, I didn't want to separate, but he was involved with someone else, I told him I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who was involved with someone else and that he had made his choice and he should now follow his decisions.......we have been married for 22 years and have 2 grown sons, in their 20's.......I cried every day for months but knew that if I didn't take a stance for myself I would just be living painful life worrying about where he was, what he was doing......well guess what when he had the freedom to go with the OW and make a life he wasn't so interested anymore.
He has since asked me to re-consider our marriage, I again set the boundries, no contact, therapy....making an effort to never put himself in any position to create that kind of relationship again....he has given me all his passwords, he is providing me with the phone records and he is answering all and any questions I have.
I'll admit I haven't any trust in his word at this moment but for the first time I think he might be realizing what he has done and how he has hurt us and our family with his selfishness....
He now says he knows what he believed at the time was not true and he says he doesn't even like who he is anymore, he has cried more than I have, It kills him to look at his boys and his family and his friends. We are going to try to set boundries and work on our relationship so both of us are having a needs met and he has said if it wasn't for me doing what I did he might not have had to re-evaluate what he was doing and if he was willing to give up me and his family for someone he didn't even really even know....when he actually could just walk away he didn't, sometimes setting them free is the answer to them doing some self searching of their own....


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

I did ask him to leave, and he didn't want to. I will always wondered if she dumped him and I'm second fiddle. I will never know any answers and this is what disturbs me most.

Again, thanks for the responses.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you DON'T just have to trust him.

If you want him to stay, you tell him you will LET him stay under these conditions:

You have access to all his passwords, phone/text records and you can check them any time you want; the minute he denies you access to any of these he is OUT.

You install a GPS in his car and you WILL be monitoring it.

He agrees to marriage counseling of YOUR choice for a period of at least a year. I recommend Dr Harley of marriagebuilders.com, who has counseled thousands of couples dealing with infidelity.

He goes to HIS parents and YOUR parents and tells them the truth and asks them to help him keep on the straight and narrow. This is essential - if he doesn't have the humility and remorse to do this step, then he is lying to you and just doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

You and he go to a lawyer and draw up a post-nup agreement, whereby if he is caught contacting her again, he agrees to leave and you get XXX (whatever it is you want if you divorce, and he won't contest it).

Honestly, this is the ONLY way your marriage will work at this point. He is too addicted and only by you being the strong one can you fix this.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Of course he wants to stay; it's the best of both worlds. He just doesn't want to be hassled about staying and he doesn't want to get caught. 

IF you are giving him another chance, then make it clear that there is no more after this: he will move out, and figuring out where, etc., will be his problem. I like the idea of a post-nup; worth the price of a visit or two to a lawyer. 

He has no right to any trust for as long as it takes you to regain it. Could be years. And don't forget: you might decide you can't get passed it, and you will decide to have him leave. Let him know that is a possibility, too; he can control himself but he cannot control you and you are only human. It is too early to tell what damage has been done and whether or not you can be happy again. Make sure that he understands, if this happens, he must go. Otherwise you and the girls will have to move out and that, frankly, is so unfair to them. But be prepared, just in case. 

It's must be really hard to believe he's changed now, after lying so much before. I don't think I could trust someone that violated my trust that much already. Good luck.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Both responses are very good. I always wonder if I will build trust. I wrote a list of things that he must do--this includes the e-mail and the phone records. I will never know if they talk at work--this bothers me. I need to be the stronger one. Thanks for the luck.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Have you asked him, calmly and truly willing to listen, why he did it? why he found it so hard to stop? what it was about her that attracted him? what he got from her that he didn't get from you? what he gets from you that he didn't get from her? why he wants to stay in the marriage?



> Why doesn't a counselor just give us a clear cut answer?


Because there is no clear cut answer. there's just what you choose to do.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

I asked him. She stroked his ego. He is miserable with his job, and she truly shared pity with him. They reminisced about college, and he has been living in his glory days. It was fun--they could talk dirty on the phone and he liked that. He wants to stay in the marriage because he can't live without me. Uggh! So....frustrated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...did you give him the list of your demands?


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

I gave him the list. Again, how do I truly know if he is following the list. He could be on the phone with her at work--it is the lack of trust.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened when you gave it to him?

What was on the list?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

sadandhurt, you will have to let go of what you cannot control--his behavior at work, for example. I honestly think it would be fine to have him email from home a request for his phone records, and then he shows you the response, but the reality is, at some point, there will be things you cannot control and you will have to accept that. You don't have to trust him, of course!! Just keep working to reconnect, and if something shows up that tells you he is untrustworthy, then you will know for sure.

In the modern age, there are simply too many ways for someone to remain in contact secretly--cash-bought pre-paid phones for two, email accounts you don't know about, etc. If you focus on these-as opposed to what is happening between the two of you on a regular basis--you'll drive yourself nuts. It will be the unknowns that keep you from fully trusting for a long, long time, so do not let them make you unhappy. And tell him that. He needs to know that no matter what you see on a regular basis, it will be the unknowns that keep you vigilant, and there is nothing either of you can do about that--his behavior caused that and he cannot blame you in anyway for what is a logical response to his behavior. That does not mean driving yourselves apart. You will hold back a little tiny piece of your heart until some point in the distant future you feel safe giving it back to him--and God protect him if he ever does anything again to hurt you after you've finally given back that last piece. But that's way down the road, and not to worry about now. Remember to learn to distract yourself/refocus when you start worrying about the things you can't control, and accept that living without trust is the best you can do for however long it takes.

If you can't live happily during this time, no one will blame you. You are trying; it might not work. Then you will know it's time to move on. No point wasting the rest of your life being miserable over something you cannot control. It will be a sad outcome, but you will get past it, if it comes to that. All you can do right now is try--and it will either work, or it won't. That's ok. God bless.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thank you so much for all that wisdom. You are right--I cannot control everything. For 22 years, I gave this man my heart, and I guess this is why it hurts to much. The last year of our marriage has all been stress due to this emotional affair. I work hard at everything I do. I am a very kind person, and I don't like the hate that this emotional affair has caused. I literally hate this girl that did this to our marriage. I hate the fact that my husband did this to our relationship. I am a very vocal person and when something bothers me, I try to solve the problem. If he was unhappy, I will never understand why he couldn't talk to me. This girl loved the turmoil that she has caused, but I need to move on. Your response will certainly help me do that.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Question for all those that may have knowledge about cell phones. I have tried very hard to trust my husband. We have had a great weekend. This a.m., he comes home from his work and his cell phone is just buzzing. He knows that I check the daily phone records, but I am still paranoid. I tried to let it go. For a few hours, I didn't do a thing. When he got up and was in the shower, I decided I would check things out. I don't open any messages that he hasn't seen, but I do check to see where he has called and what calls he has received. He dialed a number 258-0147*0587*.
Now, we all know that *'s are not in phone numbers, but is there something that I should know about this number? I tried dialing from my phone restricted, and Verizon comes on and says this is an announcement for Switch 56-3. Should I be concerned? Am I being phone spoofed? If any individual has knowledge about phones, please let me know. I wish I didn't even have to check and go through all of this. I called Verizon, and they were uncertain. As always, help is appreciated. 
We also receive numbers on the bill that are listed as 000-000-0000. What is that?


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

I did a little research for ya. I google everything, so I just googled the 000-000-0000. From what I have read, it can be from a computer generated call like Skype b/c there is no actual number for caller ID or it can be a business or solicitor. Here are some ideas: Why is 000-000-0000 calling me? - Yahoo! Answers

My thoughts on the other number with the * is that perhaps the number in between the *s was an extension. The rest, the actual number. Try going to whitepages.com and choose "reverse phone". Make sure you include an area code. You can also google the number. Let me know how that works.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

I google everything too. I do think that the 000-000-0000 shows up if it is a restricted call. I tried the one with the astericks, and it is a local number but a male and no one we know. The white pages are great. I just need to keep watching it. Honestly, it sucks that I even have to do this. I just wonder if I will ever trust again. Hard to believe we were married 22 years without mishap, and my husband hooks up with an old college friend and I have to contend with this. Uggh. Thanks again for the support.


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It will be 22 years this June for us as well. I have had some issues with H being friends with a woman he used to work with but now lives in another state. They talk on the phone and text on a regular basis. I confronted him. He knows I don't like it. This is a good place to receive support without getting family/friends involved. Stay strong. We will pull one another through.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Unfortunately, I have involved some family and friends. I really felt like I needed the support. Unfortunately, my sister absolutely hates my husband. This will be our next obstacle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sad, there's nothing wrong with involving your family and friends.

In fact, you canNOT have recovery - true recovery - without him achieving total humility and HONESTY with all the people around him whom he has harmed. 

If he never has to face the people in your life, he will never hit rock bottom and he will never understand the depth of the tragedy he has caused - thus he can never be truly remorseful.

And, if he knows they know, and he is unable to come to them hat in hand, then you are better off without him.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thank you. He was very angry that I involved others, and the reason probably pertains to his embarrassment. I needed support from my sister and a few close friends. I haven't gone to work expressing my feelings and his emotional affair. I always try to keep in the back of my mind that he is the one that did this--not me! As said before, I was always here for him, the kids, and I truly didn't do anything to deserve this behavior. I guess this is why it is so frustrating. Lastly, I am going to a conference tomorrow, and I found out that the girl he had the emotional affair with is staying at the same hotel. I found this out because she twitters, has webpages, etc., etc. Anything where she can draw attention to herself--she will publicize her whereabouts. I am staying at the exact same hotel. I hope we do not run into each other. She may not even know what I look like, but I certainly know what she looks like. What are the chances of this? If I do see her, do I completely hold my breath and ignore? Do I say something and thank her for all the damage she has caused. What should be done? Remember, I am at a conference and need to be professional.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's back with you, no need to push it. I'd just walk up to her, look her up and down, head to toe, tsk-tsk at her, shake your head, and walk away.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Need some help. My husband is leaving for Albany and this is where his EA friend is from. I am in a panic that he will be meeting her. I have told him my panic, and he has blown it off. Should I hire a private investigator? I know this sounds crazy, but I need to know. He knows if he is caught one more time, I am done, and I have suspicions. What should I do. How can I find out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would hire a PI.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Please tell me how to hire a PI or are there other things that I should be doing? I have a bad feeling. All is need is proof and it is over. I can't keep on going on like this.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

What exactly does a PI do? Can I have photos--what is the cost like? Anyone that can help--this would greatly be appreciated.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

sadandhurt said:


> What exactly does a PI do? Can I have photos--what is the cost like? Anyone that can help--this would greatly be appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This place looks relatively respectable:
Private Investigators, Private Investigator


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks. I think it is respectable but so expensive. He told me the best way to get information is to get into the computer's e-mail. I know the password for several of his accounts even hotels.com. But I don't know the major gmail account. I want to put some type of software to read e-mails, but I don't have the administrative password to do this. Help.l


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All I can say is...how much is your marriage worth?

And how much will it cost you to live on your own, once you divorce because you didn't stop this?


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can sympathize as I am going through almost the exact same thing. The only difference is that I have been married only 8 years and my kids are 7 and 5.

I have said, heard and done everything you have. I also hate what my husbands actions have done to me. Changed me into a sad, emotional, insecure person who has trouble trusting anything my H says to me.

I am only trying to keep my marriage together because I can't even think about not having my kids with me everyday. Or having to share them on weekends and holidays. Or, having them be around whatever skank he may have in his life some day.

I enjoyed reading all the advice you are getting and may use some of it too.

Anyway, I want to give you a big hug and hope you come through this stronger than ever.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

turnera said:


> All I can say is...how much is your marriage worth?
> 
> And how much will it cost you to live on your own, once you divorce because you didn't stop this?[/QUOTE
> 
> I guess my marriage is worth so much that I why I am trying to examine all of this. I guess that the minute hotel reservations were made, I felt insecure. I told him my thoughts. After this emotional affair, I am not sure how I can believe that this is going to end. I guess I need to know for sure how faithful he truly is. He said this has all stopped, and I have feelings that it isn't. I want proof. I don't want to divorce unless I find one more thing. I also don't want to stay married if he is continuing to cheat. Sorry.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks pacmouse for your kind words. This has been very difficult, and I don't want to get hurt again. Obviously, I have valued my marriage or I wouldn't have been married for 23 years. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage too. I just wish this all was just much easier!


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Also, Happy Mother's Day to all of you. Thanks so much for the support you have given me.


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