# Trying to deal with the fallout...



## vanmu (Mar 10, 2014)

Hello everyone. I've been lurking on and off for a few days, and have finally decided to register and seek some advice.

My wife and I had lived together in VA for nearly 15 years. In two months we would have been married 10 years.

Last fall, a week after my birthday, we went to a rather large house party thrown by some friends for me, and my "best friend" who was visiting from california, and who's birthday is a week after mine.

As this was one of those parties where almost everyone knows everyone, and it had never been uncommon for us to go our separate ways while socializing with different friends at the same getogether.

This "best friend" had arrived at the party with a girl that he had dated when he lived in the area, and was a mutual friend to both me and my wife. He had been trying earlier in the evening to get his old flame to have sex with him (I overheard them discussing it) but she turned him down. I suppose that my wife was next on his list.

I have since learned through two separate people that attended (one of them the old flame) that at some point in the night my wife and "best friend" had sex. He even wrote the old flame an email the next day telling her that he was sorry he had slept with my wife, and that if she would forgive him he would never truly love anyone but her, yadda, yadda. She of course ceased contact with him, but did not know how to approach me and my wife about what had occurred, so I remained oblivious. 

My wife had been dealing with some medical issues for the past few years, and they had caused an onset of depression which she was not dealing well with, and refused to get any sort of treatment for. She became non-responsive to all family and friends, didn't do much of anything around the home, and much of the time was defensive at best, and openly hostile at worst to me.

I had thought she was starting to come around a bit, over the last 6 months or so of our time together, as she was getting out of the house more, and wanted us to take a few expensive vacations together (before this, since the onset of the depression it was difficult to get her to leave the house). 

Within a few weeks after this party, I took time off work to take her to two requested vacations, and then to visit her family for a week in another part of the country over Christmas. The week after returning home she had sunken back in to her non-communicative depression, and when I told her that we really needed to talk about how we were going to deal with our communication issues, she informed me that she was leaving and was going to move back in with her family. This was midway through the second week of January.

She stuck around until the first week of February and then told me she had to leave on the 11th. In the next few days that followed I did some digging and found out that this "best friend" had started up communication with her a long time before the fall party and had been telling her that he had an ongoing love for her , I was treating her poorly, I didn't take care of her and was incapable of loving her like he could, yadda, yadda. They did not say that they had slept together, as they were mostly from before the party, but they did discuss that they intended on it at some point. I saved those documents, but did not tell her that I had them. She still is unaware. 

I did confront her about the communication back and forth with this "friend", and she told me that who she saw after she left was none of my business, and denied having slept with him (which I now know is a lie)

She left as promised on Feb 11th, telling me she was going to move back in with her family. I had only received a text or two from her in the few weeks following that in response to a few questions I had about if certain bills had been paid the prior month.

When I got my bank statement for the month I found out that she had booked a plane ticket and a flat in downtown LA for Valentines weekend. The only person she knows in that area is the "best friend".

I called the "old flame" to find out if she had any communication with the "best friend", and that's when she broke down and told me that he and my wife had slept together in the emails her sent the "old flame" the next day confirming it and telling her that she was the one true love of his life. She indicated that after a week or two of her not responding, the communication from him had died off, and she hadn't heard back from him since.

My wife has now been in California for over a month. She has not been taking money out of our bank, and had no substantial amount of money on her, or credit that I am aware of or can discover. After speaking with her family, I confirmed the fact that she has in fact been staying with this "best friend".

We have no children, and I'm really ready to move on and get this over with, but in my state it is apparently quite hard to prove adultery, even with the records of communication back and forth, the records of communication between the "best friend" and his "old flame", and the bank records showing the wife booking the flight and Valentines package in LA.

I work for myself as a DBA, and she has only done some paperwork for me (about one 8 hour day day every two weeks, with the exception of the last year when she just stopped doing it, blaming the depression) for the past 5 or 6 years. Before that she had a part time job that lasted only a few months before they let her go. She hasn't worked apart from that in the 15ish years we've been together, and I have been our sole financial supporter.


I've got an appointment tomorrow with a good divorce attny, but before I visit him I would like to be prepared to not freak out in his office. I'm curious how likely it will be, despite everything that she's done to our relationship, that I'll be the one ending up paying her alimony.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. Now go after her OM. Legally, I mean. He must have been aware your wife was mentally ill.

So he deliberately targeted a mentally ill person to induce her to have sex with him.

In some jurisdictions this would count as rape.


Check this out with a legal expert.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hard to believe how many times we see depressed people here that turn to cheating.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this. The betrayal you are feeling must seem overwhelming, but you sound like you will be much happier and better off being free of her. As far as the legal ramifications, that all depends on what country/state in which you live. You obviously need to speak to an attorney, and not all attorneys are created equal. You could also try to post your story on reddit.com in the r/legaladvice or r/divorce sections. Again, they will need to know as much detail as you are willing to share. There are others here who have been divorced in VA.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

It depends on if you reside in a no fault state or not. Adultery may not matter. 

If it doesn’t I advise you not to reveal the information the “old flame” gave you about what a rat the “best friend” is. Don’t hamper their romance in any way.

He has been supporting her and let it continue. Your wife is in the fog and you can use that to your advantage. Offer her a quick easy divorce in return for good financial terms for you. 

She wants to be free to live with the love of her life. Let her. 
Don’t even mention that you know about the OM. You and your wife have drifted apart and you just want her to be happy.

Your goal is to divorce before she gets out of the fog.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> OK. Now go after her OM. Legally, I mean. He must have been aware your wife was mentally ill.
> 
> So he deliberately targeted a mentally ill person to induce her to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I think this is a great starting. (Good call Matt). If someone takes advantage of a "vulnerable" person there just maybe in your state a predetermined law that this could be statatory rape. It doesnt matter now if your WW is agreeing to this it was the case themn and it could become a "grooming" situation where the communication was opened and your W targeted for the purpsoe of sexual gratification. worth a chat with some legal people. 

Moving on may also be the right thing to do. I suspect if the other guys gets bored he'll drop your ww and find a new port to dock his boat


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> OK. Now go after her OM. Legally, I mean. He must have been aware your wife was mentally ill.
> 
> So he deliberately targeted a mentally ill person to induce her to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


Where would that be a legally enforceable?

It's not that I don't agree this is morally disgusting, I am just curious as to where the law would actually protect someone under these circumstances.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Before confronting her, I would close down any and all bank accounts and open them in your name only. Then confront the OM and let him know that she is now his along with all her problems. 

Get yourself a good lawyer and do what ever you must do to protect yourself and your property. To me it's a lost cause with her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

move dollars out of joint accounts and cancel any credit cards that ar joint and reopen them in your name. File for divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP could look at alienation of affection action, still on the books in some US states. Also negligent infliction of emotional distress might be worth checking on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

vanmu, you're getting great advice so I'm just going to cast another vote for divorcing her. She cheated, and looks like she's done and you have no kids.

Side note and kind of a thread hijack: Another example contained in the opening post that cheaters don't need a lot of time to have sex. They did it at a party without anyone knowing. Thought I'd point this out since we hear so many on this forum claim that their spouse wouldn't be able to physical cheat since they "have no time to do that." Right.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Your post shows that you have your head in the right place even though we know how devastated you must feel.

Keep following you head. Moving toward divorce, freezing your accounts, etc. will give you the safety you need. You have some other advantages in knowing what happened clearly when you had your D-day.

Emotionally detach too. Read the steps of the 180 found here:

The Healing Heart: The 180

There will be struggles for months/years to come, but there will be good things too! Your ability to move through this will help shape you into a better person. Be patient in the process. Allow yourself some grace in dealing with it. Spend time on you and finding new things that will allow you the peace to deal with it.

Sorry you are here, but glad that you have TAM to help.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Hey Vanmu, I am in VA too. As is AFPhoenix and several others. 

As you know, VA is a fault state and it is also a state where you can sue the affair partner. But, going that route is very spendy so you may want to just start with mediation and use that alternative as a last course of action.

Ten years is not considered a long term marriage in VA so I am guessing that spousal maintenance will be shorter term and limited. It still stinks in your situation though.

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Separate your finances. File for Divorce and Go NC.

No need to talk to her sounds like your marriage is already over with and even if you do talk prepare to be lied to. I personally would push for the best possible split and move on with your life. She might be open to that because she left. 

Clay


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Those damn 'best friends'. :nono:


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

davecarter said:


> Those damn 'best friends'. :nono:



Yes, with 'best friends" like this the OP doesn't really need enemies.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do believe in the state of VA you might have options in regards to the affair, but honestly, you know what she did and I would focus on getting the best deal that you can.

She is gone. She is with the OM. Whether this is her way of dealing with her depression or not is really mute at this point. I say often times in my counseling practise that understainding of person is important and that understanding that "depression" can cause this type of behavior is one thing. Sure we can "understand", but it does not excuse the behavior.

This guy is a predator, but your wife was not some unwilling victim.

Focus on getting your accounts in order as has been suggested. Try to get the best outcome you can in the divorce.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> ...
> 
> This guy is a predator, but your wife was not some unwilling victim.
> 
> Focus on getting your accounts in order as has been suggested. Try to get the best outcome you can in the divorce.


Agreed.

This is pretty brutal...some friend....some wife.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

adriana said:


> Yes, with 'best friends" like this the OP doesn't really need enemies.


And I say this from direct _personal _experience too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

'Best' friend needs to be on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LnghrnFan said:


> I'm so sorry that you're going through this...affairs cause so much pain to the victim. I know you said that you've only texted a few times since she left. Is that because she won't talk to you, or is this a choice you've made? Before making any major changes, it would be a good idea for the two of you to talk if she is willing.
> 
> Do you know if she plans on returning? I know you're hurt, but before you decide to divorce her for sure, maybe you could go to marital counseling (assuming she's coming back!). It's still a good idea for you to meet with your attorney to make sure you know what the future holds if you do move forward, but just make sure you don't move forward so quickly that you end up with regrets. Good luck!


Marriage counseling is a waste of money while the affair is still active and the wayward spouse has no remorse. Both seem to be the case here. He would be throwing money down the drain that he could be using for his lawyer and building a new life for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

The very best to you, Van, in this truly gut-wrenching situation. Depending on how much you love this woman, this could be a good thing that it's happening now. Move on.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

As others said, find a good lawyer ASAP. Hide any animosity you have toward the happy couple. Save cheaterville until after the divorce. Hope for a quick divorce before she is out of the fog, and wash your hands of her. Sorry you are here man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If the divorce attorney recommends going after her legally like a pit bull with a contested divorce and trying to prove fault and all that, I suggest you take a step back and think about how feasible it might be just to approach her directly and try to settle this whole thing without going the "lawyer up" route.

Maybe she'll be amenable to mediation since she wants to get away from you so quickly.

You'll get out of this faster and cheaper if you can work it out without utilizing attorneys and the courts.


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## vanmu (Mar 10, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and solid advice. I only feel bad that mostly all of you are all here to give it to me due to some problem you have experienced yourselves. My sincerest sympathy to you all that have been through such devastating relationship issues.

Like other posters have mentioned, the marriage is dead to me at this point. I may have been able to deal with a PA, but emotional betrayal on this scale is something that I am not, nor ever will be willing to accept. She made it clear when she initially told me she was leaving (before I got ALL the details) that she had no interest or intention of pursuing our relationship any further. It appears now that is the one and final thing that I can 100% agree with her on.

While my gut tells me to blow up and loose my cool (which is certainly not the right move as it would do nothing but create further strife and delay the process), my head is telling me to try to get this done and behind me as quietly & quickly as possible before her party is over. It's my opinion that soon enough, when the shine wears off her newly chosen life decision, she will become desperate and sink back into her depression. That is when she will likely start getting, and potentially listening to, the "Oh you DESERVE to make him give you this, this, and that..." rhetoric from any of her "friends" or family.

As many of you have pointed out, she's still in the fog. While she's riding on endorphins, and getting what she thinks she wants (away from the marriage and life that she has associated with her depression), it might just be a good time for me to "give her the option" to finalize "her wishes" before things get any uglier for me.

As an additional question; lenzi mentioned mediation. As I really don't want to raise red flags to her that I'm ONLY in damage control mode instead of being unjustifiably amiable, and this sounds like a quicker option, can anyone explain the process of mediation for a divorce in broad strokes so that I might be able to explore that route before I accept a contract of services from a rather pricey, but highly lauded divorce attorney?

Once again, thank you all for the advice and support. It's actually really nice to see this type of solidarity on the internet.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Graywolf2 said:


> It depends on if you reside in a no fault state or not. Adultery may not matter.
> 
> If it doesn’t I advise you not to reveal the information the “old flame” gave you about what a rat the “best friend” is. Don’t hamper their romance in any way.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:
YES, yes, yes. Agree with this advice.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

vanmu said:


> ... can anyone explain the process of mediation for a divorce in broad strokes so that I might be able to explore that route before I accept a contract of services from a rather pricey, but highly lauded divorce attorney?


Go to your state's web-site for the court/judicial system. Many states have FAQ pages for divorce and mediation. My state requires mediation prior to a court D. It actually is a great benefit in many cases.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Mediation allows you the structure to negotiate what is "fair." It is then submitted to the court for final approval. I did it for about $200. Very glad it worked for me.


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