# Wife wants to move



## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. When we got married, we lived in a bigger city that both of us liked. About 3 years ago I got a job offer in a rural community that would allow us to make more than double what we were currently earning while allowing her to either stay at home with our young daughter or work part time (really anything she wanted to do was fine with me). We discussed it and decided to move. Now we have a nice house in a nice neighborhood, great neighbors, new cars, and can afford to go on vacation a couple of times a year. The problem is, she doesn't like living in a small town and wants to move back to the city. Now, keep in mind, this isn't like a tiny town of 500 where there is absolutely nothing here. It's a town of about 10,000 people that has a walmart, JC Penney, and plenty of other fast food and shopping options. I am not opposed to moving back, except I love my job and the friends that we have made. I won't make the kind of money that I do now if we move either. I don't mind taking a cut in salary, but I know how rare it is to find a career that you love and can support your family on at the same time. I know that part of the reason that she doesn't like it here is because there are less opportunities for her to work full time (which she wants to do and I am fully supportive of). She would like to be an office administrator and there just aren't that many positions that open up around here, and the ones that have opened up and she applied for, she didn't get the position. I have suggested that she go back to college and get a 2 year degree in business administration, but she nixed that right away. At this point, I am at a loss. I don't want to quit my job, but I sure as hell don't want to lose my wife and my kid. Just curious if anyone has been through this and has any advice. Believe me, divorce is not an option here. I love her dearly and will never choose work over family.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You BOTH made a decision, good one too (IMO), you should stick with it.

Raising a kid in a city SUCKS, schools suck and I'm not really sure how people do it. I wouldn't recommend it.

Tell her to focus on raising your child. Why have one if you are just going to pay other people (low paid employees too) to do it for you.

Raising a child is a HUGE part of parenthood. That should be your focus right now.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

This really isn't about whether or not she works though. I have no problem with her getting a full time job. She feels like she doesn't contribute to the household because she is only working part time. Though I would prefer she stays at home and raises our child, I also want her to be happy, and working makes her happy. I have talked to her about how valuable of a contribution it is to have her at home running our household, but she just isn't wired like that. And that's fine, I understand. My biggest confusion lies in her wanting a certain job, but not being willing to take college classes to move in a direction conducive to getting that position. Instead, she has it in her mind that it would just be easier to move to an area where there is less competition for those types of jobs. It seems crazy to me when we live in a safe community with our house and cars nearly paid off.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Most big city office administrator jobs want at least a 2-yr. degree or at a minimum 2-5 yrs. experience. Does she have that kind of work experience? She could also try applying at the local school district or city government.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

Emerald said:


> Most big city office administrator jobs want at least a 2-yr. degree or at a minimum 2-5 yrs. experience. Does she have that kind of work experience? She could also try applying at the local school district or city government.


she doesn't really have much experience. She worked as a bank teller for a few years, and now she is a manager of a low income housing development (which she hates because she has to work with "lazy druggies")


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

pestario13 said:


> she doesn't really have much experience. She worked as a bank teller for a few years, and now she is a manager of a low income housing development (which she hates because she has to work with "lazy druggies")


How about volunteering (if you guys don't really need income). 

She is not really being realistic about getting this Admin job with NO experience. 

Seems like she is chasing the old "I want what I can't have" thing.

How about just accept what you have, be happy with it and find something new local to where you are now?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think richie was referencing DoF's comment that raising kids in the city sucks.

So your wife is dissatisfied with her life. Is that job what she WANTS to do it's just what she's qualified to do? Could you compromise and agree to move IF you find a job that gives you the same standard of living while she compromises and goes to school in the interim so she would be able to find a job at a higher salary?

Is it definitely the job that she misses? There's certainly a social element to work. You mention you have made friends - has she? Maybe all of the people she has met are mothers that have the SAHM gene and she doesn't. 

Could she find more fulfilment and stimulation by attending a class for enjoyment vs. advancement? Something that could become a hobby or something she could turn into income? (i.e. pottery if she had a knack etc.) Or volunteering such as at a local hospital? Or joining a Toastmaster's group? Are there meetup groups she could participate in to make more connections for the mental or social stimulation she's missing?

Or is it cultural things she misses? Would she enjoy the life in the suburbs more if you agreed to one weekend a month in the city? One weekend alone; the other weekend with your child? 

I don't think she's career driven since she isn't interested in the education which is why I think it's more about the social interactions, feeling useful like she's important and contributing but it doesn't seem like she really wants to climb the corporate ladder since she doesn't want to advance her knowledge to be more competitive.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Pestario13
I think that if a couple is split on move / stay, then "stay" should win. But - both should think really carefully about the tradoffs. If a move would dramatically benefit one person, then the "stay" person should consider going along.

If my wife wanted to move to a different city for a somewhat better job, I'd say no. But, if it was really her dream job - something she had always wanted, I'd go along. (money isn't the issue - happiness is).


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

It is definitely social interaction that she wants, but there have been plenty of opportunities for her where we are. She started going to a "wine club" with one of her friends here. That lasted 1 week and she just complained that it was just a bunch of women drinking (duh). She likes bowling, so I tried getting her to join a bowling league, nope. She enjoys doing stained glass work, so I offered help her set up a room just for that (as well as help her sell it at local shops), no again. I have no idea where to go next. In the end, I see us moving back to the city, making half what we do now, and her complaining about not making enough money to do whatever we want anymore.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't move, you should stay where you at. It sounds like you giving her a great life and she should be happy and grateful that she doesn't have to work. A lot of Moms would love to be able to stay home with their children but can't afford it. Being a Mom is a full time job and she should be happy that she can stay home and be a Mom, especially is you are planning on having more children. She should stay home until her daughter is in school and then if she wants to work she could get a part time job while your daughter is in school.

You sound like a great husband and Dad and your wife needs to be more grateful for the life she has and shouldn't make you change jobs especially since you enjoy your job or make you feel guilty because you want to stay.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

pestario13 said:


> It is definitely social interaction that she wants, but there have been plenty of opportunities for her where we are. She started going to a "wine club" with one of her friends here. That lasted 1 week and she just complained that it was just a bunch of women drinking (duh). She likes bowling, so I tried getting her to join a bowling league, nope. She enjoys doing stained glass work, so I offered help her set up a room just for that (as well as help her sell it at local shops), no again. I have no idea where to go next. In the end, I see us moving back to the city, making half what we do now, and her complaining about not making enough money to do whatever we want anymore.



Some people can't live without a problem, if there isn't one, they create it.



Talk to your wife about never being happy/satisfied with what she has.

Keep reminding her how great you guys have!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Was she always this dissatisfied before? Start things and not complete them?

It certainly sounds like she doesn't know how to take charge and make things work. Women just drinking? Assign everyone to bring a bottle at a certain price point and a wine journal and a 3-ring binder. Get a book on wine and make notes as to different characteristics. Pass out these sheets with a 10, 9, 8, 7 etc rating for dry, bitter, fruity, buttery, acidic, notes for food pairings, etc.

In the end the women could end up with a really nice reference for wine pairings for dinner parties. But just saying it's a wine club and show up with wine isn't going to cut it if noone takes charge to DIRECT the group. Groups have to have leaders, always. Sounds like she isn't a self-starter. I know that was just an example but perhaps she needs to learn how to take charge. Otherwise she'll be this way everywhere. 

Don't move. If she gets more and more unhappy and things go south, you'll have a good career and support network. That sounds really negative but she sounds like the kind of person who complains but doesn't want to help themselves. Personally I have zero tolerance for that. It's OK to have a little pity party. Then put on your big-girl panties and get over it.

ETA - An idea to focus on the positive. Maybe this will help her with you leading by example. Put up a dry erase board somewhere as if it were art. It MUST be visible. This is your gratitude board. Every day each of you needs to write something you are grateful for. Maybe on your way to work, maybe when you get home - pick a time and you both have to write on it. One thing. Sometimes light-hearted, sometimes deep. But focusing on the good things might make her a bit more positive and it will certainly be good for you, too. Can't hurt.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You are not responsible for her happiness, that is something she has to find for herself. Not that you can't help her, but if a person is not happy with themselves, there is not a lot they are going to be happy with.

You both made the decision to move to the smaller town. And now you have found someplace that you love and a job that you love to do. Rare find for most people. And you would give it all up in the hopes that moving to the city will make your wife happy? What if she is still unhappy in the city? Then what?

Personnaly I think that you are in a no-win situation with your wife. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would keep the good job in the nice area and let the chips fall where they may. I think your wife will be just as unhappy in the city, she will just have a different set of complaints.

I would focus more on you and your children. You can't help someone that does not want to help themselves. I realize that you love your wife but sometimes you need to be willing to let it go to save yourself.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Wife wants to move*



pestario13 said:


> It is definitely social interaction that she wants, but there have been plenty of opportunities for her where we are. She started going to a "wine club" with one of her friends here. That lasted 1 week and she just complained that it was just a bunch of women drinking (duh). She likes bowling, so I tried getting her to join a bowling league, nope. She enjoys doing stained glass work, so I offered help her set up a room just for that (as well as help her sell it at local shops), no again. I have no idea where to go next. In the end, I see us moving back to the city, making half what we do now, and her complaining about not making enough money to do whatever we want anymore.


Why are you trying to solve her problems with being social? Her problems are hers to solve.

Your actions are teaching her it is okay to wait on someone else to solve her problems for her.

I would bet this has a lot to do with why she is unhappy.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You have a couple issues here.

1. I don't believe your wife's dissastisfaction has been properly diagnosed (by her). She doesn't get much fulfillment out of what she's doing right now and sees the city as the solution....but it's not. The problem isn't moving, the problem is she needs to figure out what she TRULY wants.

2. Because you're looking at moving to a LOWER pay bracket...the biggest critical component is how will this affect your daughter. Is your wife TRULY considering that? Obviously less income affects the family, but moving, school systems etc.? 

3. Your wife isn't happy and she's looking to a selfish answer. Don't get me wrong....if she TRULY would improve her situation by moving....that's one thing, but she's just changing the location of her problem.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My biggest confusion lies in her wanting a certain job, but not being willing to take college classes to move in a direction conducive to getting that position. Instead, she has it in her mind that it would just be easier to move to an area where there is less competition for those types of jobs.


She's deluded if she thinks there will be less competition for office manager jobs in a city. Ridiculous. Not only will there be MORE competition, that competition will be college educated and have experience.

She is deluded if she thinks she can be hired for an office manager job with NO experience and NO college education. She does realize that there are college graduates working at the Gap, right?

Has she even looked online for open positions to see what the requirements are for the office manager jobs in the city she wants to move to? That might be eye opening for her.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

and now you all see my issue. I completely agree that there is an internal issue that she is struggling with. I have no idea what that issue is, and I think that she is simply masking it by saying that she doesn't like living in a smaller community. It is possible that she is unaware of why she is unhappy here. At the same time, I also feel that whatever the issue is, it will carry over regardless of where we live. I want my wife to be happy more than anything in the world. But I'm a man dammit! If it's broke, I fix it. I can't fix this and it's driving me crazy. I don't really worry too much about the money aspect of things when I think about moving. I am a very talented and liked person on many levels with enough contacts to make it about anywhere. Will I make what I do now? Probably not. But we have paid enough down on our mortgage that we could darn near pay cash for our next house. So if I have to go back to making $50,000/year or so, it wont really hurt us. So the financial part of it doesn't scare me. What does scare me is finding a job that I like. I have had jobs I hate, I don't want to go back to that. Especially when I'm not convinced that a change of scenery will make a difference in her happiness.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If there is a problem that is YOURS, you fix it.

You are very much revolving things around your wife. It is possible that she feels pressure from this. I know my wife did when I was the same way. I would also bet that is contributing to her unhappiness.

Your wife should consider IC. You need to examine just how much you are revolving around your wife. It is a trait of codependency. Until then, I would be opposed to moving.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

pestario13 said:


> and now you all see my issue. I completely agree that there is an internal issue that she is struggling with. I have no idea what that issue is, and I think that she is simply masking it by saying that she doesn't like living in a smaller community. It is possible that she is unaware of why she is unhappy here. At the same time, I also feel that whatever the issue is, it will carry over regardless of where we live. I want my wife to be happy more than anything in the world. * But I'm a man dammit! If it's broke, I fix it.* I can't fix this and it's driving me crazy. I don't really worry too much about the money aspect of things when I think about moving. I am a very talented and liked person on many levels with enough contacts to make it about anywhere. Will I make what I do now? Probably not. But we have paid enough down on our mortgage that we could darn near pay cash for our next house. So if I have to go back to making $50,000/year or so, it wont really hurt us. So the financial part of it doesn't scare me. What does scare me is finding a job that I like. I have had jobs I hate, I don't want to go back to that. Especially when I'm not convinced that a change of scenery will make a difference in her happiness.


There is your problem.

Her happiness problems are HERs to fix, not YOURS. 

Punt the ball back to her court and tell her that she needs to figure out. 

Moving to the city = rug sweeping
Finding a job that she wants with no experience = disillusion

You are talking a HUGE life/career change here for ENTIRE family. She should rethink this.

Keep a CLOSE eye on her cause if this trend continues, and she can't be satisfied no matter what........your marriage will be on the line up next as well.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One element of this problem that I don't quite get is how does moving from a small town mean a cut in pay.

In my experience, moving FROM a small town is how one gets an increase in income.

In any case, both you and your wife have to decide what makes you and the kids happy.

If she needs further training to get a decent job, then she ought to get that before moving. it may turn out that her dissatisfaction has nothing really to do with the town or the job prospects.

I know someone who wanted to get a job as a pharmacist so she started a long process of part time college to get that, changed her mind several times and is now finally getting her As in business. But you know what? she doesn't want to do that and is decorating cakes, says that is her future.

She could have saved herself $$ and time if she had known that up front.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

It means a cut in pay because I work in agriculture. Not many opportunities to be an expert in ag in the city.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Op:

Here is what you should memorize:

"It sounds like you have a problem. What do you intend to do to fix it?"

The last thing she needs is an enabler that piles more pressure on her due to frustration from hin not being able to solve her problems for her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

pestario13 said:


> It means a cut in pay because I work in agriculture. Not many opportunities to be an expert in ag in the city.


So she is married to a guy who is an expert on ag and wants to live in the city? :banghead:

Is your wife unrealistic and deluded about a lot of things? Because I can't imagine being so obtuse about reality. There are people who live in some kind of fantasy land because they've never been forced to deal with reality.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> One element of this problem that I don't quite get is how does moving from a small town mean a cut in pay.
> 
> In my experience, moving FROM a small town is how one gets an increase in income.
> 
> ...





pestario13 said:


> It means a cut in pay because I work in agriculture. Not many opportunities to be an expert in ag in the city.





norajane said:


> So she is married to a guy who is an expert on ag and wants to live in the city? :banghead:
> 
> Is your wife unrealistic and deluded about a lot of things? Because I can't imagine being so obtuse about reality. There are people who live in some kind of fantasy land because they've never been forced to deal with reality.


Oy vey.

You could teach at places such as Cal Poly, Pomona in California. 

But realistically, your wife has more to change in this than yourself.

Her dissatisfactions may indeed be valid, but "bloom where you are planted" comes to mind.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Op:
> 
> Here is what you should memorize:
> 
> ...


Maybe I am insane, but I tend to look at marriage as a mutual support system for 2 people that love each other. I don't see suggesting ways for her to be more active in the community, or ways to move her closer to a career that she want as "enabling". If my wife looked at me when I was perplexed and said, "It's your problem, fix it", I would be pissed. HER problem has become OUR problem and I have no intention of hanging her out to dry. Can I fix the whole thing for her? Heck no. But I can walk through it with her. Otherwise, what's the point of being married?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Make no mistake. You are there to SUPPORT her. 

But you are complaining on one hand at her inability to find happiness, while simultaneously struggling to fix her problems for her on the other.

Do with this information what you will, but I will tell you that when you intervene in trying to solve her problems for her, you are preventing her from being able to do so on her own.

Please do me a favor. Google the term "knight in shining armor" and read it objectively. If it does not apply, I will kindly admit I am wrong.


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## pestario13 (Oct 24, 2014)

I don't deny that there is some truth in what you are saying. But when we are going down a road that will greatly change the rest of our lives together, I see no choice but to intervene.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Wife wants to move*



pestario13 said:


> I don't deny that there is some truth in what you are saying. But when we are going down a road that will greatly change the rest of our lives together, I see no choice but to intervene.


I agree with this whole heartedly; to a point. 

Her happiness? Her responsibility. 

Your family? Your responsibility if she is not demonstrating decisions in the family's best interest.

That was the only point I wanted you to take in.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I Will agree with the others and say that she sounds delusional. She should go the 2 year degree route, and it will give her better options. But, I don't think that the real problem is the job or location of where you live.

She sounds like an independent city type of person who wants to earn their own living and not depend on others. That's hard to do if you are living in the country as a SAHM. When I first had my son I was at home with him, bored out of my mind. Had to get out. Then on top of that, I didn't feel like I contributed to the family income at all, which equated with a loss of respect for me. I don't have the SAHM gene at all, so I can identify with what she is feeling.

But, evidently she didn't take all of this into consideration so she made her bed so to speak. Her best bet is to go to college, get that degree, and her options will be much better.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

she is being pretty unreasonable. Get her dvds of some old Green Acres re-runs. If Zsa Zsa Gabor could do it, she can too! 

Instead of office manager, how about her starting up a business that utilizes all the other women out in the boonies who want to work but can not find jobs. How about a visiting angel sort of thing for taking care of old folks--you know help them out, bring them a hot lunch...that sort of thing. Have her suck on that big medicare teet.


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