# Ways that your WS's cheating changed you....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Now I am so suspicious all the time..and that bugs me. To go from not questioning anything to now being paranoid and suspicious..I hate it!

The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.

This is what bothers me now is that whether I stay married to him or move on to another relationship this has changed me into a suspicious/paranoid person.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Sucks doesn't it? I don't believe anything anymore. I wonder if everything I believed before was fake too.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm always asking why his phone is going off all the time. He gets emails sent to the phone all the time. I still check him email from time to time. He does not know his passwords, I know them he wanted to reset them, lol so now I know them all. He knows them, but not like I do.

I'm always thinking the OW is going to go into his work or my work to start something.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

As far as way it has changed me?
I am a different person. 
Completely out of control of my emotions.
I no longer place any value on my relationship w/ my WW. I am in fact embarrassed to be in it.
I am exhausted on so many levels
Filled with hate and anger
I was happy and fun loving before. The new me sucks.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am only starting to trust but I still verify. I will never look at my wife they way I used to. She was someone that always put our kids first then me then her. I liked that, hell I loved that my wife was so centered on our family it was a sense of pride for myself.

Then she became a very selfish person and some that coud lie easly to me.

I have many people in my family that have cheated and our cheating and I have no tolerance for them or their chooses in life


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am always on high alert. I read way to much into every statement he makes. I try not to rock the boat and yet do it anyways. I can be angry/depressed/happy/content/james bond all in one day. One day I feel hot to trot, the next like a whale that has been laying on the shore for far to long. I want sex and intimacy all the time and if it doesn't happen I wonder what the hell is going on.

It sucks and I hope it gets better with time. I forgot to add I am suspious of other women's intentions were before I would not have cared.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

> The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.


Me, too. Never checked around on any of his computer- I implicitly trusted him. I felt like an idiot when all this proof was just a few feet away from me. Now I know all the passwords and do from time to time check up on 'things', although it's 2 years down the road and I don't feel the need as often anymore.

I also don't trust other women around him. I know my H. is more 'alert' now, but he's also readily admitted that things like that could be right in front of his face and he wouldn't see it.

And I turn into an anxious mess whenever he has to go out of town (not often, thankfully). That's how he left-- went to be with a friend when his friend's mother died, and then he stayed, so it's a big trigger for me whenever he leaves.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Every time I hear her cell phone ding with a text message, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

When she gets a Facebook message copied to her e-mail, I'm compelled to review it.

I feel the need to check her cell phone logs on-line, almost every day; as well as the caller ID and last number dialed logs on our home phone.

Most nights, just before I go to sleep, I replay my wife and the POSOM together.

All this, 17 months after D-day. 

And sad to say, this is an improvement. Trust is not an easy thing to restore.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

There were a lot of major philosophical changes in me. As it relates to trust, I went deep into what that means and where it is found. Trust really is nothing more than a prediction. That prediction is based on your experiences in the same or similar position. Hence triggers: It is a memory (experience) that is triggered and reminds you by hauling up that emotional memory

I think on these terms; I don’t assume every car around me is a threat. The potential is recognized. Yet, I watch for the ‘triggers’; Aggressive drivers, non-attentive, etc. When recognized, a bit more of my brain power is devoted to actively tracking it. It’s a passive warning system always in play that only goes active when triggered by that gut feeling something might be a threat. So, say you almost get in a head-on. In the immediate months after, you are going to devote a bit more energy to assessing the threat of every car heading your way. Even once you tone it down, that passive system adds this experience to the list of triggers. Its just something you watch out for now that may not have been much of a consideration in the past. But now it is part of your experiences.

I do the same with my wife. Things are on the radar floating around. When triggered, I’ll look into it and devote more energy at assessing the potential threat. 

Just understanding this helped me pull out of that active searching mode. I shut it down to a passive ‘watch’. It takes a lot of trust in yourself and your gut feelings; Something that was probably shaken by the trauma... it takes time to rebuild.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

How has it changed me?

I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.

Also, I have a new found vanity. I waste stupid money on expensive clothes, I wear dumbass designer sh!t and I walk around as though I were standing on water.

In other words, I am just focusing on myself and doing my damnedest to make myself happy.

edit to add: I always wear a smirk


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> How has it changed me?
> 
> I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.
> 
> ...


I envy your energy.
Mine is gone.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> How has it changed me?
> 
> I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.
> 
> ...


This sounds pretty accurate. :iagree:


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

On a positive note...the most important change for me is that I now come "1st" in my life. What a different world...


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I envy your energy.
> Mine is gone.


I also eat a strictly Paleo diet. It has done wonders for my energy.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I also eat a strictly Paleo diet. It has done wonders for my energy.


I am more into the fermented sugars.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I've decided to put Kay's "alpha/beta" balance in the rubbish. I'm going 100% alpha, like I was before having kids. 

I don't care about anything but my own good times (except for my "visitation" times when I go back to beta for my kids).

When I met my WW, I had multiple gf's and didn't give a crap about anything. Then we "bonded" and I assumed the role "loving husband and father".

Well, I will never be married to the mother of my children again, so I will never be in that role again. ME me me me me me me.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I am more into the fermented sugars.


3 beers and my energy goes in the crapper for a couple of days. The insulin spikes suck.

Vodka and club soda or fine single malts for this guy.

NO CARBS WHATSOEVER.

If you want energy and don't want to need sleep anymore, I am convinced this is the ticket. Nevermind the rockin' body it's given me.

This from a guy who used to homebrew like it was going out of style.

I have only one focus anymore, which is:

How can I improve myself?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I've come to the conclusion that MOST men are really dogs, to a varying degree. I myself made it 9 years wothout checking anything, now I am another hyper vigilant crazy lady. Also feeling pretty apathetic about pretty much everything lately. Oh yeah and F marriage and everything that goes along with it. If I end up divorced, I will never make that mistake again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Also, eating paleo is super simple for a newly single guy. I just toss a piece of salmon in the oven with some veggies and BAM, dinner is done.

Or better yet, a thick T-bone on the bbq.

My fridge and cupboards are empty, but I have half a cow in the freezer and pounds of fish and chicken ready to grill up. 

I'll admit, after losing the first 50 lbs I've started eating my hamburgers on buns again, but I always feel guilty about it. A hamburger on lettuce just isn't the same.

I eat a couple of eggs for breakfast, bbq chicken Sunday night and throw it on a salad every day for lunch, with olives, avocados, a little cheese, broccolli slaw, and I munch on raw almonds for snacks. It's the easiest diet in the world for a single dude living alone.

I can easily maintain a spastic level of energy and be an annoying hyper smug dude on 5-6 hours of sleep nearly every night. I will get 7-8 at least once or twice a week for good measure, but during the height of my panic attacks and self loathing after dday I was amazed how well I could function on only 2-3 hours of sleep.

Eat fat, drop the carbs and GET TO WORK ON YOURSELF.

Even though it may not be true, I can walk past the multiple 10s in my office and think "ha, she's not good enough for me".


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Every time I hear her cell phone ding with a text message, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.
> 
> When she gets a Facebook message copied to her e-mail, I'm compelled to review it.
> 
> ...


This about sums me up. I'm 16 months out from D-day. I'm much better than I was too.

I'm also super paranoid. I never find anything but am always afraid that she has found other ways to communicate with OM. TAM helps and hurts on both fronts with that.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I dig this.



Disenchanted said:


> How has it changed me?
> 
> I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.
> 
> ...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

DevastatedDad said:


> As far as way it has changed me?
> I am a different person.
> Completely out of control of my emotions.
> I no longer place any value on my relationship w/ my WW. I am in fact embarrassed to be in it.
> ...


This is me.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LdyVenus said:


> I've come to the conclusion that MOST men are really dogs, to a varying degree. I myself made it 9 years wothout checking anything, now I am another hyper vigilant crazy lady. Also feeling pretty apathetic about pretty much everything lately. Oh yeah and F marriage and everything that goes along with it. If I end up divorced, I will never make that mistake again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know what? That's just not true (men are dogs). I was 100% faithful to my wife for the 12 years we were married and the 3 years we were together before that. She always accused me of cheating. Always was paranoid I would. I didn't. And if you read the accounts of the many BH's on this site, you will find many are the same as me.

It's not a man or woman thing. It's a cheater/non-cheater thing. Women are just as despicable as men.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> How has it changed me?
> 
> I can curl 50% more, I can press 50% more, I can run 50% farther and I don't respect women any more.
> 
> ...


Ha! I now think all men are cheaters and would never trust another one again in my life. Guess our spouses ruined it for us.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

LdyVenus said:


> I've come to the conclusion that MOST men are really dogs, to a varying degree. I myself made it 9 years wothout checking anything, now I am another hyper vigilant crazy lady. Also feeling pretty apathetic about pretty much everything lately. Oh yeah and F marriage and everything that goes along with it. If I end up divorced, I will never make that mistake again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya, marriage seems like a total joke now, doesn't it?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Also, eating paleo is super simple for a newly single guy. I just toss a piece of salmon in the oven with some veggies and BAM, dinner is done.
> 
> Or better yet, a thick T-bone on the bbq.
> 
> ...


Dude there is something to that Paleo diet. I have since re-introduced carbs back into my life. But like you, I have watched fat melt away by just sticking to that. I still enjoy the occasional burger, fries, pizza. But I really try and focus on a medit style diet. It helps. 

I am also like you, I buy clothes for me. It's nice, fun, and I have never done it before. So I am enjoying it all.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Ya, marriage seems like a total joke now, doesn't it?


Yep. I took those vows seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

highwood said:


> Now I am so suspicious all the time..and that bugs me. To go from not questioning anything to now being paranoid and suspicious..I hate it!
> 
> The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.
> 
> This is what bothers me now is that whether I stay married to him or move on to another relationship this has changed me into a suspicious/paranoid person.


Ditto.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm a bit more cynical now than I used to be. And by "a bit" I mean quite a lot.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I learned never to assume anything again. I always ask directly when I have a question or suspicion, no matter what.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

good question - there is an old country song "everything I worked for is gone" and pretty much sums up the way I feel. I feel single but recognize the loss of my family. I am extremely empathetic to my sons (especially the youngest). I am extremely cynical towards women (because of being lied to and about) and mistrusting of people (because of the many people who enabled my ex in her affair). 
I just don't believe people anymore..what is is no longer what is..
I no longer desire to date (I did for awhile because it built up my masculinity but I see no use in it now...I really desire my family back the way it was. No one can replace that.

And for those who get tired of checking - wait until you spouse does it again and uses your "controlling" nature (note: the only reason you were controlling is that she cheated on you to begin with) as an excuse to do so ....extremely hurtful...


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm going to try that Paleo diet thing.  

As for me, I find that I love my WH significantly less. I find him much less attractive. I have no desire to receive (much less give) affection to/from him. I find myself checking out other men more often. I don't really care about the marriage anymore and even though I dont want to be "divorced", I know that if I do end up divorced, I'll be just fine without him. I used to think he was a pretty intelligent guy but now I think he's much dumber than I originally thought. I find myself enjoying time to myself more often and I don't care to hang out with my WH now. 

Now, it's all about ME. I'm just doing all the things that I enjoy now.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Victim789 said:


> I'm going to try that Paleo diet thing.
> 
> As for me, I find that I love my WH significantly less. I find him much less attractive. I have no desire to receive (much less give) affection to/from him. I find myself checking out other men more often. I don't really care about the marriage anymore and even though I dont want to be "divorced", I know that if I do end up divorced, I'll be just fine without him. I used to think he was a pretty intelligent guy but now I think he's much dumber than I originally thought. I find myself enjoying time to myself more often and I don't care to hang out with my WH now.
> 
> Now, it's all about ME. I'm just doing all the things that I enjoy now.


That's good. Sounds like a terrible marriage though. Why are you still in it?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I have a new intense desire to strip about 3/4 of the sh*t out of my life. I want to purge my house, send everybody (lovingly) to college, get rid of 1/2 my clothes, move into a small, new residence in pristine condition, sell my van and buy a small hybrid, etc, etc. 

Hard to explain, but I just feel so f*cking encumbered. I have no clue if the infidelity has anything to do with it, or if I'm just sick of burdens in general.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh.. and lol I guess. Pre-DD I had just a few grey hairs. 3 years later and I'm quite heavily peppered with gray. Like 40% of my hair now is grey. Weird.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh yeah, I've been told that I've grayed significantly in the last 6 months. I know I've had gray hair for a while, but apparently I'm now nearing "salt and pepper"

It's distinguished, right?


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I find myself dead inside, questioning everything. 

I think I might trust Al Queda more than my wife at this point. 

I went from being loyal completely and totally to plotting a revenge affair. 

To quote Dr. Gregory House "Everybody lies".


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Well, for one thing, I will not take my next marriage for granted.

My stbxw's cheating has forever changed my view of relationships. I no longer believe in the strength of "love" or marriage because both can be broken. I will not be as trusting again. I used to be a guy who thought the best of most people, but now I am a cynical bastard. I am WAY more serious than I used to be - I used to be able to find something funny out of pretty much any situation - but not anymore.

It's made me value my children even more - didn't think that was possible. But it is. My oldest will be 15 in March. That would normally mean 3 more years before she goes to University and possibly moves out. But at 50%, that means 1.5 years with me. So I have to treasure every moment because all of a sudden 1/2 of my future with my daughters is gone. 

Treasure every moment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some time after my wife's affair she said to me: "What has happened to you? What happened to the carefree and funny Matt I met and fell in love with?"

I could not reply. I was so stunned.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

*Re: Re: Ways that your WS's cheating changed you....*



MattMatt said:


> Some time after my wife's affair she said to me: "What has happened to you? What happened to the carefree and funny Matt I met and fell in love with?"
> 
> I could not reply. I was so stunned.


The sheer audacity...


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Wow! At least this gave me some reflection time. I am only newly seperated, so this may not last, but...

I am no longer paranoid!
I no longer think that maybe I'm crazy!
I KNOW I can trust my instincts to be right!
I am showing the world the person I want to become!
I got a huge boost of self confidence just by her being out the door! I no longer feel like anyone's plan B! I no longer worry she will have another affair! I know she will, and I don't care!

I too am concentrating on ME and my kids! I know they are the ones to truly suffer, and so I am strong for THEM! 

The paleo thing works, too...


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I can't sleep in my master bedroom anymore. Don't ask me why. 

Can't eat at certain places anymore. Upsets me to think about what I lost. 

Worst problem is I can't shake my anger. 
I never really forgave my XW for what she did. I never told her I trully forgave her, even when I was trying to R. I never did. 
And I never let it go. Even after divorce, I can't. And it eats away at me. I use to be much more easy going. Now my temper is volcanic. Stupid little things set me off, and it is not getting better.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> I think I might trust Al Queda more than my wife at this point.


LMAO :rofl:


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> Ya, marriage seems like a total joke now, doesn't it?


That's pretty much how I'm feeling. Thought it was forever, but apparently not so much...


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh yeah, I've been told that I've grayed significantly in the last 6 months. I know I've had gray hair for a while, but apparently I'm now nearing "salt and pepper"
> 
> It's distinguished, right?



I'm not even 30 and i'm starting to go OD on balding and turning gray. It's not fair. But ya'know, on a side note, I can also do 70 pushups. Last time I could say that I was 18. Appearance, is NOT everything. 

I've merely been through more then most. I am proud of who I am. Proud of anyone else who stands up for themselves. 


P.s. I may not qualify for this thread. My wife never admitted to cheating. She just, up and left quicker then anything and denied her whole way out. 

Of course, I could show you the facebook posts of the dude she ended up living with commenting on her hotness just 1 month before she said it was over and 1 month and half before she left. (To live with him. *sigh) But hey, he is "just a friend." 

At least I have my son, and my life back.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> That's good. Sounds like a terrible marriage though. Why are you still in it?


That's a good f'in question!!! When I discovered his infidelity, I told myself that I would not make any life changing decisions until I was thinking clearly. It was only 4 months ago and I'm not quiiiiiite sure I'm thinking clearly ... yet. But i'm getting close to it! I suppose only time will tell...


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I will never give that much of myself to anyone again.

Period.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Also, eating paleo is super simple for a newly single guy. I just toss a piece of salmon in the oven with some veggies and BAM, dinner is done.
> 
> Or better yet, a thick T-bone on the bbq.


I have a steak every Monday on the weeks my kids are at my stbxw's. It's my Monday after the kids go to the cheating liar's house, pick me up meal. Eat it with the TV and stereo on. Of course, it's freezing now - so don't use the BBQ. When we were a family, I was a 12 month a year BBQ guy. For just me, I fry it. Perfecting my frying technique that it actually tastes pretty good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

- I used to be pretty confident. Now I'm not. 
- I used to be kind. Now I'm not. I find myself being very negative about pretty much everyone and everything. 
- I used to be trusting. Now I'm not. 
- I used to like myself. Now I dont. (see above)
- I used to be strong, and was always very proud of my strength. Now I'm not.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I have a steak every Monday on the weeks my kids are at my stbxw's. It's my Monday after the kids go to the cheating liar's house, pick me up meal. Eat it with the TV and stereo on. Of course, it's freezing now - so don't use the BBQ. When we were a family, I was a 12 month a year BBQ guy. For just me, I fry it. Perfecting my frying technique that it actually tastes pretty good.


We purchased half a wild grown cow just before the A started (bought "on the hoof"). Once we were settled on D I fed all the good steaks to my boy and myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Funny to see an 8 year old scarf down a big t-bone, he loves it!

I'll be damned if that witch gets the good steaks!

Yeah I still bbq, even when I'm alone. In freezing weather. And I'm strictly a charcoal guy. In fact, I barbecued up some salmon and burgers for the three of us tonight. 

But hey, it's not like I've got anything else to do.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> We purchased half a wild grown cow just before the A started (bought "on the hoof"). Once we were settled on D I fed all the good steaks to my boy and myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
> 
> Funny to see an 8 year old scarf down a big t-bone, he loves it!
> 
> ...


Oh, now you're making me jealous. There's nothing like a good charcoal grilled steak. I have a gas grill that's in my garage for the winter. Used to keep it out on the back deck all the time - but put it in my stbxw's side of the garage for the winter. Thought i would use it more - but haven't bothered. Gas grill just doesn't taste the same as a good charcoal grill. So I just fry now. Every Monday. I have a Big Green Egg at the cottage - now THAT's a BBQ....


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i cant trust him anymore... and thats sad..... i even notice him looking at other younger women, by the way i am 11 years younger than him but i mean 18 year old skinny women wearing hardly any clothes.

i never used to want to know any of passwords, i never thought of checking his phone, checking our bank account.... etc .... etc

but now i feel i dont trust him
i dont want him to touch me and thats sad for us both 
i feel so let down
i feel i am not me ??


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My thoughts are mostly negative and I just don't give a crap anymore. I would rather be a nun than put into practice the overly suspicious person my husband has turned me into. I can only see a lifetime of misery no different than a never ending status of false reconciliation.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i cant trust him anymore... and thats sad..... i even notice him looking at other younger women, by the way i am 11 years younger than him but i mean 18 year old skinny women wearing hardly any clothes.
> 
> i never used to want to know any of passwords, i never thought of checking his phone, checking our bank account.... etc .... etc
> 
> ...


Have you considered separation? If he cheated on you, you are right not to trust him. And if he's not working on regaining your trust then it might be time to kick him to the curb. When you see him looking at really young woman - just ask, in a calm voice, "What are you staring at, Shorteyes?"


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

My reaction is very different and hard to explain. I was always very protective of my wife and there was always something about her that I didn't trust, perhaps it was the fact that she was such a flirt. She hated the fact that I was the jelious type but also loved me being protective of her. Well after 18 years of marriage she proved me right and had a long, deceptive, grubby affair where she really showed her true colour. She is desperately sorry and is doing everything to make things right and you would think that I would be watching her like a hawk, quite the opposite, after years of worrying about her I really don't care anymore.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

i am so sad that he did this to us. 5 months from dday and i still don't know what our family will look like in a year. i don't know if i will every be able to forgive or trust.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> My reaction is very different and hard to explain. I was always very protective of my wife and there was always something about her that I didn't trust, perhaps it was the fact that she was such a flirt. She hated the fact that I was the jelious type but also loved me being protective of her. Well after 18 years of marriage she proved me right and had a long, deceptive, grubby affair where she really showed her true colour. She is desperately sorry and is doing everything to make things right and you would think that I would be watching her like a hawk, quite the opposite, after years of worrying about her I really don't care anymore.


I did the same thing - then she used that against me saying I was too aloof for her....well I was only protecting myself honey from your callousness.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh yeah, I've been told that I've grayed significantly in the last 6 months. I know I've had gray hair for a while, but apparently I'm now nearing "salt and pepper"
> 
> It's distinguished, right?


Yes it is. Goes particularly good with all those new suits, clothes, colognes, toned body and designer haircuts we built or aquired during R...


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

After cheating, I'm addicted to TAM. TAM is my new Mom/Dad/Spouse. TAM keeps me busy and happy . And TAM is affair proof. No need for revenge affair


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The-Deceived said:


> You know what? That's just not true (men are dogs). I was 100% faithful to my wife for the 12 years we were married and the 3 years we were together before that. She always accused me of cheating. Always was paranoid I would. I didn't. And if you read the accounts of the many BH's on this site, you will find many are the same as me.
> 
> It's not a man or woman thing. It's a cheater/non-cheater thing. Women are just as despicable as men.




TD - I have to agree - married women and OW...all just as capable and crappy as cheating men.

This coming from a betrayed wife....and please don't think all women are bad either. Some of us just want to be "bad" in our own marriage  We know where to draw the line.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It really hasn't changed me all that much as a person, _per se_, other than not to be as overtly trusting and just taking things for granted, inasfar as what my love interest might convey to me either verbally or nonverbally.

I now greatly adhere to the mantra of "*trust, but verify!*"


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> You know what? That's just not true (men are dogs). I was 100% faithful to my wife for the 12 years we were married and the 3 years we were together before that. She always accused me of cheating. Always was paranoid I would. I didn't. And if you read the accounts of the many BH's on this site, you will find many are the same as me.
> 
> It's not a man or woman thing. It's a cheater/non-cheater thing. Women are just as despicable as men.


Same here - except we were married for almost 25 years. Yes, there were opportunities, but I wasn't interested.

And my wife used to be toxically jealous too - often accusing me of having an affair with my secretary if I came home late. 

... and of course SHE was the one who ended up cheating.

The cheater's mindset assumes everybody is as screwed up as them - that is why it is common for a future wayward spouse to project their fears (feelings) onto their loyal spouse and accuse the LOYAL spouse of cheating.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I have a Big Green Egg at the cottage - now THAT's a BBQ....


Yes, it sure is! I'm envious. The STBXWW and I have wanted one for a long time, but it's been tough to cough up the $600-$700 for it!


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

I have a ridiculous time trusting anything that comes out of a womans mouth, I am very bitter.

Positive side, I work out a lot more, although thanks to thyroid disorders I'm quite convinced its impossible for me to have any kind of a decent stomach. 

I dress like a '*********' now, Buckle clothes, $150 pants and shirts, but I thoink everyone likes that stage where you go buy some clothes and go out just because you know you look good that night.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Positive: I lost 28 lbs, gained muscle, eat WAY healthier, bought 4 bikinies and threw away the "mom" bathing suit. Won't cover up ever again (maybe when I am 90), got breast implants (because I wanted them - have wanted them after having last child), bought new clothes, am confident, feel sexy, don't hold back, not going back. Have a higher sex drive. Started a ladies night at local restaurant for a couple of hours on Fridays for moms in my community - time away from the kids and adult conversation. Joined a weight loss group in my community to stay in shape and challenge my husband to get in shape. Finally realized that there are some things in life that are not fair. There are some things that people do that cannot be explained, and there are some things that will happen to each and every one of us that, although they seem to be the worst that could happen, we need to dig deep and see the opportunity that it brings us. I have a newfound respect for myself as a woman and not just as a mom and wife. I "found" myself again, and discovered much more about myself. I am a damn good catch - what the hell was he thinking?!? 

Negative: Hair thinned out from stress. No longer super thick, so I am going to get hair extensions until it grows in thicker. I am going for long and sexy. I have less tolerance for stupid people. I am more caring and sympathetic to those in need (and I didn't think that was possible - was always a giver). I started drinking regularly (a drink or 2 every night), which I never did in my life, but have since stopped - have a drink once or twice a week now). I was an "absent" parent for almost a year because of all the crap. I feel like I robbed my 2 girls of being there mentally and emotionally for them. I hate that. I can never get that time back and it was not because I didn't try. I was a mess. I kept it together on the outside but on the inside I was a mess. I felt paranoid. After 4 DDs, and in between - could not stay focused. Wondered what was real and what was for show. Questioned my own integrity. Kept driving myself crazy trying to figure out "why".


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Yes, it sure is! I'm envious. The STBXWW and I have wanted one for a long time, but it's been tough to cough up the $600-$700 for it!


Get this - it was a FATHER'S day present!

... maybe I should trash it? Nawwww, it works too well.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I am more into the fermented sugars.


Wait! That's not Paleo! Why doesn't someone tell me these things! Wouldn't matter anyway.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Get this - it was a FATHER'S day present!
> 
> ... maybe I should trash it? Nawwww, it works too well.


Oh man *I love father's day*. That's the day I got the honor of meeting the OM. They hadn't slept together at that point, apparently the POS wanted to meet me first.

She had already told me she wanted divorce, and gave me a "portable" fire pit as a father's day gift. It's still sitting on my deck. Not sure what I am going to with the thing, maybe target practice? I dunno.

The biggest change in me, I would say, that resulted from her affair, would be the fact that I no longer need to trust what a woman says to me. I already know that despite her greatest intentions, the better I treat her the worse she is going to sh!t on me. So I'm just not going to give any woman my heart and my trust and a bit of my soul (if there is any of that left) EVER AGAIN.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh man *I love father's day*. That's the day I got the honor of meeting the OM. They hadn't slept together at that point, apparently the POS wanted to meet me first.
> 
> She had already told me she wanted divorce, and gave me a "portable" fire pit as a father's day gift. It's still sitting on my deck. Not sure what I am going to with the thing, maybe target practice? I dunno.
> 
> The biggest change in me, I would say, that resulted from her affair, would be the fact that I no longer need to trust what a woman says to me. I already know that despite her greatest intentions, the better I treat her the worse she is going to sh!t on me. So I'm just not going to give any woman my heart and my trust and a bit of my soul (if there is any of that left) EVER AGAIN.


Not all women will do that. Give yourself time. We are not all bad!


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh man *I love father's day*. That's the day I got the honor of meeting the OM. They hadn't slept together at that point, apparently the POS wanted to meet me first.
> 
> She had already told me she wanted divorce, and gave me a "portable" fire pit as a father's day gift. It's still sitting on my deck. Not sure what I am going to with the thing, maybe target practice? I dunno.
> 
> The biggest change in me, I would say, that resulted from her affair, would be the fact that I no longer need to trust what a woman says to me. I already know that despite her greatest intentions, the better I treat her the worse she is going to sh!t on me. So I'm just not going to give any woman my heart and my trust and a bit of my soul (if there is any of that left) EVER AGAIN.


It's ok to be hurt bud. Just dont go labeling all of them. You need to find someone who was betrayed like you IMO.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh man *I love father's day*.


My father's day this year consisted of me going to church alone and sitting there watching other families celebrate and crying on the inside.....all I knew was if I could get through this day next year would be better.....it was heartbreaking though...


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Not all women will do that. Give yourself time. We are not all bad!


Her PA lasted from FATHER'S DAY until our 11th ANNIVERSARY.

Poetic, isn't it?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Last Father's Day, my kids made me a card - a funny one with a drawing of me and all of my toys (my bike, my skiis, my golf clubs- with me and an exaggerated butt and belly) - with my two daughters in the drawing, smiling - but strangely, not my wife. My stbxw got me a card to and signed it with just her name. No note. No "love you". Nothing. 

The contrast in effort was telling. 

I don't care whose week it is this year - I'm going to spend Father's day with my kids.

BTW, for Mother's Day, my stbxw went golfing... without the kids.

Edit: BTW, the Green Egg was a Father's Day present from 5 or 6 years ago. Can't remember. But now that I think about it - it was probably when my wife's EA started. I guess it was partly a "guilt" present.


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

highwood said:


> now i am so suspicious all the time..and that bugs me. To go from not questioning anything to now being paranoid and suspicious..i hate it!
> 
> The funny thing is i look back and think man h had his own laptop for years and not once did i feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. Etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.
> 
> This is what bothers me now is that whether i stay married to him or move on to another relationship this has changed me into a suspicious/paranoid person.


hear hear!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> It really hasn't changed me all that much as a person, _per se_, other than not to be as overtly trusting and just taking things for granted, inasfar as what my love interest might convey to me either verbally or nonverbally.
> 
> I now greatly adhere to the mantra of "*trust, but verify!*"


Yes!!!

Not to take things for granted in a relationship as well as don't blindly trust. 

I also learned the cheaters script front to back, up and down, and side to side as well. I will take what my ex has taught me about cheating and definitely apply everything I can to help prevent something like that in my next romantic relationship as much as possible. While I know it is next to impossible to completely prevent cheating, my ex has taught me what to look for in the character of someone before getting romantically involved with them. 

Thanks, exH for better preparing me for my next LTR


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I also learned the cheaters script front to back, up and down, and side to side as well.


OMG yes! After my ordeal and spending a few months here on TAM I can safely say that I am the greatest expert on cheater scripts and uncovering infidelity of anyone I know (personally, in real life).

I'm pretty sure I can now smell cheating about 3 light years away.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Not all women will do that. Give yourself time. We are not all bad!


Ah the infamous *NAWALT* statement (Not All Women Are Like That)

Just teasing. You're right though. My wife is what I would call a "red pill woman." She gets it. I know there are other women that get it too. The most important thing is that Dis needs to work through his resentment and start realizing what he really wants from a lover, friend, companion, etc. Then he can see if any women he meets would qualify to stay in his life.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> OMG yes! After my ordeal and spending a few months here on TAM I can safely say that I am the greatest expert on cheater scripts and uncovering infidelity of anyone I know (personally, in real life).
> 
> I'm pretty sure I can now smell cheating about 3 light years away.


Yup....it sucks suggesting cheating with some of my close friends relationships but I have been right on 2 occassions so far....

One is working on R (doing all the right things from what I can tell and WS is doing heavy lifting) and the other couple, well she won't dig any deeper to try to find the truth b/c "he would never cheat on her" 

Yeah and he goes mountain biking with another female all the time without you b/c......? Oh thats right, they are "just friends"


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

changed me?
hmmm.
i have way less control of my temper than i used to.
i seem to like beer more than i used to.
when my wife would point things out that she didnt care for (about me) before, i would make an effort to change or at least meet in the middle.
now? i really just dont give a f**k.
i really hope i get through this stage soon.
have been trying to keep myself motivated about working out and being positive, eating right, not drinking, not being angry, not looking backwards in my life, etc etc.
but, there are times, and i certainly seem to be in one now, when i 
just. dont. give. a. f**k.
about anything, really. except my daughter. and it seems to even impact my patience with her. i hate it.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

bfree said:


> Ah the infamous *NAWALT* statement (Not All Women Are Like That)
> 
> Just teasing. You're right though. My wife is what I would call a "red pill woman." She gets it. I know there are other women that get it too. The most important thing is that Dis needs to work through his resentment and start realizing what he really wants from a lover, friend, companion, etc. Then he can see if any women he meets would qualify to stay in his life.


Dude, no offense here but....

I've pulled a few game moves on a few women just today in my office. Unphucking believable. I got this completely innocent, seemingly honest and very down to earth girl who is in a committed relationship to relentlessly start flirting with me. Just by negging her a bit and being a "little mean" she's now coming over to my desk, offering me gifts, trying to get my attention, and it makes me PHUCKING SICK.

I don't think there is a woman who wouldn't fall for this crap. Being nice gets men NOWHERE. 

It's not simply resentment, it's reality.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh, and yes, AWALT.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh, and yes, AWALT.


Disagree. But that doesn't mean they are not all capable. Thats the key.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Disagree. But that doesn't mean they are not all capable. Thats the key.


Haven't found one yet who isn't attracted to the "badboy" BS.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm betting I'll be banned from TAM soon, lol.

Sorry everyone, I think marriage is great. If you can save yours, DO IT!

GO MARRIAGE!


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

If be of the same mindset had i not stayed married. 
And if this marriage doesnt work out, i will be in the exact same place as disenchanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm betting I'll be banned from TAM soon, lol.
> 
> Sorry everyone, I think marriage is great. If you can save yours, DO IT!
> 
> GO MARRIAGE!


No Marriage is truly secure. Thats the fallacy that every believes in. But please, rant on. Especially if it helps you. You need a safe outlet.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My dreams are chaotic. Most of them are sort of post apocalyptic and I am running from something. Once it was dinosaurs in a futuristic scenario. :scratchhead: The other dreams are recurring where I am in a hotel room frantically packing because it is check out time. I have no idea why I am there or where I am going.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> My dreams are chaotic. Most of them are sort of post apocalyptic and I am running from something. Once it was dinosaurs in a futuristic scenario. :scratchhead: The other dreams are recurring where I am in a hotel room frantically packing because it is check out time. I have no idea why I am there or where I am going.


For fun. You should look up dream meanings.  

I have had one nightmare. On New Years Eve. I dreamed my s2bxw was divorcing me. 

I woke up and realized that it wasn't a dream.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Dude, no offense here but....
> 
> I've pulled a few game moves on a few women just today in my office. Unphucking believable. I got this completely innocent, seemingly honest and very down to earth girl who is in a committed relationship to relentlessly start flirting with me. Just by negging her a bit and being a "little mean" she's now coming over to my desk, offering me gifts, trying to get my attention, and it makes me PHUCKING SICK.
> 
> ...


Sad but true. I see the same thing in most places. I guess it has taught me that I am always playing the "game" to some extent. My guard has been up since the red flags, and all of that was confirmed on D-day.

I am now re-married because it suits me, but I know that wife #2 could do the same as WW #1.

I used to think most women, and a good share of the men would usually pick honor over lust. I highly doubt that now.

I also learned the rules to the "game" that I didn't know existed. It is amazing at the predictablity of women in what they say, how they respond, and how caught up they are in the self-interest of being validated sexually.

Probably we suspected that of our gender (male), but the ease of getting a woman to cross the line with flirting is astounding to me. 

I must have lived in a bubble for 23 years. Lol! So much for innocence being lost!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

hope4family said:


> I have had one nightmare. On New Years Eve. I dreamed my s2bxw was divorcing me.
> 
> I woke up and realized that it wasn't a dream.


I wish I could wake up from my nightmare too


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

naga75 said:


> If be of the same mindset had i not stayed married.
> And if this marriage doesnt work out, i will be in the exact same place as disenchanted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NAGA Please...

Sorry, been dying to type that.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Dude, no offense here but....
> 
> I've pulled a few game moves on a few women just today in my office. Unphucking believable. I got this completely innocent, seemingly honest and very down to earth girl who is in a committed relationship to relentlessly start flirting with me. Just by negging her a bit and being a "little mean" she's now coming over to my desk, offering me gifts, trying to get my attention, and it makes me PHUCKING SICK.
> 
> ...


No offense but as a woman I could say the same thing. Being a good girl/woman does not get you anywhere either. I have always been the good girl type, faithful, always listened to my dad's advice and have my own money as to never treat a man as a bank account, always tried to stay away from being the typical dramatic woman (at times even pretending I wasn't feeling what I was feeeling), never showing my insecurities as to not appear a jealousy kind of woman and so far in my romantic life all I have to show up for is three cheating bfs out three bfs.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> NAGA Please...
> 
> Sorry, been dying to type that.


Haha glad i could be of service!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

NatashaYurino said:


> No offense but as a woman I could say the same thing. Being a good girl/woman does not get you anywhere either. I have always been the good girl type, faithful, always listened to my dad's advice and have my own money as to never treat a man as a bank account, always tried to stay away from being the typical dramatic woman (at times even pretending I wasn't feeling what I was feeeling), never showing my insecurities as to not appear a jealousy kind of woman and so far in my romantic life all I have to show up for is three cheating bfs out three bfs.


PM me your number

HAHA Just Kidding


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I envy your energy.
> Mine is gone.


Perfect case in point right here my friend.

I went to dinner with some friends from work tonight.

Ended up at a hip little bar. I stayed cool, sat back and didn't do much except enjoy the scenery. Next thing I know, there's a girl sitting on my lap. I pulled one of these stupid "game" moves on her. I told her to give me her phone. (first time for me) She says "you want me to give you my number?"

I say "no, I want you to give me your phone".

She says "okay" and walks back to her table, grabs her phone, brings it back and hands the damned thing to me.

I text her name to myself from her phone, hand it back to her and walk out of the bar. All of my buddies are standing outside the bar smoking and talking it up with other girls etc. This one comes out and follows me. My buddies have no idea what happened and start hitting on her. She just gets closer to me and waits it out. Then she calls me (we're standing right next to each other). We talk on the phone for a few minutes, my buddies are all high fiving me (she's a 9 easy) and we hang up. So, we're all alone outside this bar and about 2 inches from each other. She is looking me right in the eye and tells me how her boyfriend, who is inside, has been ignoring her, blah blah blah blah.

He walks out and looks at her, I look at him, and nonchalantly walk to my car. 

I've got less than an hour to leave for work now. But I have enough energy.

This smell of this girl on me is like blood to a vampire, I don't want to go get in the shower. But I have to. 

Well, I've got her number but you know what? She's a phucking cheater.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I feel like I have changed for the better. I think I was way too trusting and had very loose boundaries with other people. Sadly, there are a lot predatory women out there who want to be "friends" with men and well, I won't be having it.

I found TAM which has helped me to structure what healthy relationship should have and look like. I will never be cowed into believing that I am jealous and insecure because I am not happy with the way a woman is behaving around me and my partner.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> Dude, no offense here but....
> 
> I've pulled a few game moves on a few women just today in my office. Unphucking believable. I got this completely innocent, seemingly honest and very down to earth girl who is in a committed relationship to relentlessly start flirting with me. Just by negging her a bit and being a "little mean" she's now coming over to my desk, offering me gifts, trying to get my attention, and it makes me PHUCKING SICK.
> 
> ...


You are still VERY angry...and you have every right to be. Please just don't turn into an a$$ because your STBXW is one. You are better than that. Don't let this "event" turn you into something you are not. You know the signs. You know a lot of people cheat. Don't do that to yourself to try and prove that all women are bad. There are much better and rewarding missions to set out on. One day you will find a keeper, but if you treat her like she is trash before you even get to know her, you may blow it...just saying.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> You are still VERY angry...and you have every right to be. Please just don't turn into an a$$ because your STBXW is one. You are better than that. Don't let this "event" turn you into something you are not. You know the signs. You know a lot of people cheat. Don't do that to yourself to try and prove that all women are bad. There are much better and rewarding missions to set out on. One day you will find a keeper, but if you treat her like she is trash before you even get to know her, you may blow it...just saying.


I will never touch another man's woman.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> I will never touch another man's woman.


Sorry - let me clarify - I was posting in response to your earlier post - not about going out last night. 

Hey, I've been there too - cheated on - a couple of times - and my life since Dec 2011 has been nothing short of hell and back. If I offend you, I aologize in advance. I am just pointing out what I think I see (and please feel free to give me advice on my situation - that's why I am here).

I see you angry as hell, wanting to prove that all women are bad. You are playing games wth them, and yes, if they did not have it in them to cheat they would maybe smile, say "thanks, but I am spoken for", and move on. That's what I have always done in the past. After marriage, I just pointed to my rings and said, "thanks, but I'm married". It seems like you are on a mission to see just how many women you can bring to light of their major fault. If that is the case, let me save you some time - probably about 75%. Why that number? I honestly think about 75% of the population would cheat if given the opportunity. Maybe I am wrong, but hey, I've been burned too.

Be angry at your wife, and focus on you. Date, go out, hve fun, but if you encounter a skank cheater, avoid her and move on. Or, if you need that to be your mission, , instead o just leaving the girl standing there, give her something to thing about - maybe save her from making the same mistake your wife did. Tell her she is about to screw up big time and to find some morals and integrity...then move on.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

First and most importantly, you are not offending me in the least!

And you know what, I don't really have any interest in women in general right now. In fact, I don't want any of this. You know what I want? I want to be home with my children and wife and to work hard to bring home the bacon and have a loving support system and emotional and physical security. Sorry if I'm not really coherent, I didn't sleep at all last night, but I did have a lot of fun. 

I don't freaking want this! 

So, trying to alleviate my loneliness, I signed up for a paid dating website. I've had tons of "matches". I look at them all with a blank stare and realize I don't want to talk to any of them. So instead of taking it seriously (I won't pay for this stuff again) I change my whole profile around to make myself sound like a jerk. Suddenly I'm getting a bunch of attention! I talk about how I like to get into trouble, how I don't really care about much other than myself etc etc. And the results are astounding! WTF?!?!

That is not who I am. When I do my own thing and "let it all hang out" (caring person) I get burned.......BAD. 

So the back story to the girl on my lap in the bar........

One of my coworkers brings his gf out. She's probably the hottest chick in this bar. She becomes fascinated with the fact that I am newly single (we all work for a prestigious company) and starts telling me that she has friends that are single. I say "are they as good looking as you?" (in a smug [email protected] way) Her bf gives me a sideways glance. She blushes and says "yes, she's better looking then me". So I say "you're kind of boring". She immediately perks up and says "What did you say?" I said "I have a bunch of girlfriends and I think you are kind of boring, why do you want to hook me up with your friends?" She says "well she just wants to have a good time and I think you'd make a great match blah blah". She won't stop so I finally give her my info. Then she can't help herself and comes over and hugs me and finally her bf is like "okay it's time to go".

This is called preselection. 

As soon as she leaves some other chick in the bar comes over and smacks me on the shoulder and says "what are you guys up to, we just noticed you don't have any girls with you". I'm pretty much offended that this chick just accosted me so I ignore her. But then her friend comes over and this one is hot. She doesn't say much, starts talking to one of the guys I'm with and is basically standing right in my space. So without saying anything I just move her onto my lap. Every dude I'm with is astounded that this worked. She was delighted that I "took charge" and basically had my way. She spent the rest of my time there clinging on to me. I have NEVER acted like this before. The entire charade was ridiculous to me. I guess this is what the "bar scene" is like? 

I didn't provoke my coworker's gf to do what she did, but when I see how women think it's kind of disturbing and it is not me who is being an a$$. 

I definitely don't want to hurt anyone, but after what I've been through I really don't have any solid footing on how to go forward. My psychologist tells me that when I believe I deserve the healthy kind of love that I should, it will come. I dunno. This just all seems so effed up to me. I'm a 40 year old man, I don't need this crap, I want a family and a healthy and happy home.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm a 40 year old man, I don't need this crap, I want a family and a healthy and happy home.


This is what I had and all gone. I hear you !!! I can't even imagine how our WS can forget that age is also against them. They're missing the love and affection a family/happy home gives..all the silly reasons they give for affair is not worth !!!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Well...
I, too still have nightmares. It's been 16 months since I knew something and since then I've had a least one cheating dream per night, usually more. So obviously it's on my mind 24/7. 

Father's Day?!?
He came home from his trip that Saturday night, Sunday was Father's Day. I'm sure I gave him a mushy card, the kids and I gave him gifts. We had lunch with our dads, went and saw our oldest swim after she'd taken a couple weeks private lessons. All this and he had just destroyed our ten years together for a fling with a 19 year old coworker. The amazing thing is he says he doesn't even remember that Father's Day. You'd think the guilt of what that day symbolized and what he had just done would haunt him forever. But, not so much.

Disenchanted, I just want you to know that the way you feel about women is how I feel about men now. His work buddy covered for him for nine years. His coworkers were notorious for going out of town and cheating. He used to tell me often how badly he thought of their behavior. Meanwhile, he was doing it himself. They were all cheating and covering for each other. Totally disgusting, encouraging each other. That 19 year old girl? Apparently she eventually had screwed all of them. They all used her, including other married men that had young children. WTF?!? Sooo gross. 

I've got two friends right this moment that are going thru the same crap. Both have two small kids, much like I did. Only difference is they found out soon after, I got lied to for nine years. My theory? All men will cheat if given an opportunity with a young girl and it doesn't matter at all about their wife and young kids. Sex for men trumps family. Family means nothing. They'll risk it all away for a second long orgasm with a s*&t. 

That's my take on it. I personally wouldn't risk my family for a quick thrill. Seems the scales don't really add up?!?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

That is gross.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> First and most importantly, you are not offending me in the least!
> 
> And you know what, I don't really have any interest in women in general right now. In fact, I don't want any of this. You know what I want? I want to be home with my children and wife and to work hard to bring home the bacon and have a loving support system and emotional and physical security. Sorry if I'm not really coherent, I didn't sleep at all last night, but I did have a lot of fun.
> 
> ...


It is so effed up. Its not fair. But we can't change it. Your psychologist is probably right. You know you deserve a healthy love and that is what you want. You have just been dealt a very bad hand, and there are no instructions on what to do next. Your heart has been torn to shreds and everything you ever wanted and found and were content with was taken from you overnight. That is devistating. Women suck. Men suck too. Cheaters suck. AP suck. Infidelity sucks and sucks the life right out of you. 

I am not an expert, just another person on this sit that has had their world turned upside down and felt every emotion of grieving several times over. 

My concernis that you are going to end up hurting yourself. If you are not ready to date, don't put yourself in those situations. You have more than proved that you still have "it", but the "It" that you have been throwing around is attractive to cheaters. If down the road you want to get into a solid relationship, you will have to change your game. Don't play it too long that it becomes a part of you. This infidelity crap messes us all up. Makes us question ourselves and do things we would not normally do. BE THE NICE GUY. If that is who you are be him. 

Sorry if I seem too opinionated today - got stuff going on with my own marriage from last night into this morning - still dealing with the fallout. I didn't want any of this either, but it is what it is.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> First and most importantly, you are not offending me in the least!
> 
> And you know what, I don't really have any interest in women in general right now. In fact, I don't want any of this. You know what I want? I want to be home with my children and wife and to work hard to bring home the bacon and have a loving support system and emotional and physical security. Sorry if I'm not really coherent, I didn't sleep at all last night, but I did have a lot of fun.
> 
> ...



Careful dude...
You are going to end up on the "Coping with AIDS" thread.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Sorry if I seem too opinionated today \


Don't apologize, I like what you've shared.

I'm just expressing how the A has changed me. I'm definitely in a big transition and I don't know where I'm going to land yet. 

From an objective point of view it's actually kind of interesting.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> Careful dude...
> You are going to end up on the "Coping with AIDS" thread.


Yeah that, hehe.

Funny but to be honest and unashamed, my pants have only come off of me when I have been at home alone.

And at this point I have no intention of changing that.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Just keep a clear head and don't fall down that slippery slope. We're here for you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> First and most importantly, you are not offending me in the least!
> 
> And you know what, I don't really have any interest in women in general right now. In fact, I don't want any of this. You know what I want? I want to be home with my children and wife and to work hard to bring home the bacon and have a loving support system and emotional and physical security. Sorry if I'm not really coherent, I didn't sleep at all last night, but I did have a lot of fun.
> 
> ...


The girls that usually go for this kind of thing are either cheaters, or just looking for a good time. There have been times that I have excessively flirted in a bar, and probably also would have ended up in your lap, too! But I am not one to look for either a hookup or relationship this way. I dont do ONS's. So I would have flirted and gone home. Women looking for a real connection wont take this kind of thing further. Men like you were pretending to be are fun to flirt with, but for real women, thats all...its fun to have someone pay attention to you! 

I hope you are able to find a good woman to be with, I'm sorry you got so badly burned.


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## MesmerEyes (Dec 14, 2012)

I can relate to just about everything posted in this thread.

The fear.
The uncertainty.
The paranoia.
The distrust.
The shattered self esteem.
A million other things.

Yeah. All of the above. :|


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

NatashaYurino said:


> No offense but as a woman I could say the same thing. Being a good girl/woman does not get you anywhere either. I have always been the good girl type, faithful, always listened to my dad's advice and have my own money as to never treat a man as a bank account, always tried to stay away from being the typical dramatic woman (at times even pretending I wasn't feeling what I was feeeling), never showing my insecurities as to not appear a jealousy kind of woman and so far in my romantic life all I have to show up for is three cheating bfs out three bfs.


This is my first post everyone!! I found this site the other day and I am very impressed with the level of community and the quality of the comments. 

Natasha, if you were my girl I would put you on a throne and treat you like a queen for having integrity and knowing how to love, HOWEVER, I think it is lovers like you, and me, who are CHOSEN by cheaters since they know they can not only get away with cheating more easily with an honest unsuspecting spouse, but also will not be the victims of cheating. 

My cheating x-wife fit this profile: comes from a family of cheaters (mom,dad, ALL her siblings), were cheaters, and growing up with this drama, my cheating x-wife knew the pain it wrought, and therefore chose ME as she admired my forthright honesty and innocence, and knew I would be easily cuckold as I had no idea people do this kind of thing. We were married for nearly 19 years, and she cheated regularly, with no remorse, no hints, until she finally left me for another man. I view the the whole marriage as a sham, set-up, with every untterance of "I love You" as grooming the cuckold. This x had no remorse, and when the SHTF seemed to relish in my pain. It was sick. 

Now I am married again, 7 years, to a woman I wholly trust, until recently, now I am MUCHO suspicous of a number of RED FLAGS, and I cannot discern if this is MY PARANOIA from my previous CUCKOLD MARRIAGE, or if I married the SAME PERSONALITY as my x-cheater-wife. 

THis is the fall-out of being a victim: paranoia, the destsruction of trust, the knowledge that there are many adroit psychopaths (most cheaters are psychopaths to some degree) who can lie convincingly and take your love and screw your soul with it.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> The girls that usually go for this kind of thing are either cheaters, or just looking for a good time. There have been times that I have excessively flirted in a bar, and probably also would have ended up in your lap, too! But I am not one to look for either a hookup or relationship this way. I dont do ONS's. So I would have flirted and gone home. Women looking for a real connection wont take this kind of thing further. Men like you were pretending to be are fun to flirt with, but for real women, thats all...its fun to have someone pay attention to you!
> 
> I hope you are able to find a good woman to be with, I'm sorry you got so badly burned.


This is true regarding my WW, she was just enjoying the extra attention she was getting but got confused when it went out of control.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> This infidelity crap messes us all up. Makes us question ourselves and do things we would not normally do. BE THE NICE GUY. If that is who you are be him.


:iagree:


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Nice sentiment but damn it I am not ever going to go through this again. I wouldn't survive it.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Nice sentiment but damn it I am not ever going to go through this again. I wouldn't survive it.


Honestly, you either will go through it again. Or you wont. The only certainty in life is that life is uncertain.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Raising hand...

Another BS whose WS came from a family of cheaters. I didn't know about this until it was too late. He remembers the drama and upset in his family at an age that is about the same as our kids now. Totally messed up. Why repeat the hell?!? :scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I opened my eyes, and closed my heart. I observe.

I can see it all so very clearly now. I don't like what I see.

I'm frozen in place, watching lives passing by.

I do not want to get involved.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think that the bar girls seem to have a way of sorting out guys who have been burned by relationships and like to see if they can push the buttons to get the attention.
What they aren't aware of is that if a guy has been burned deep enough, he can spot a cheater as soon as she opens her mouth and she won't be long in knowing she isn't of interest to him.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My heart is still broken. I still feel much of the same level of devastation, hurt and anger that I felt on D-Day five months ago but I stuff it down so that I can do what I need t for myself and our kids. 

I cry a lot, not for long periods but for a few seconds at least once a day.
I have verbal “ticks” and say things out loud without being able to control it or putting much thought into what I’m saying. Usually when I’m busy doing something like washing the dishes, cooking dinner or taking a shower, I say something like, “I hate you.” Or “You’ve ****ing gutted me.” Even when I’m not actually thinking about the affair and split... it just comes out of my mouth.

I am angry – even when I’m not angry, it’s there lurking beneath the surface. I am not as patient as I have been and am more reactive to stress and other situations. Unfortunately, I’ve lost my temper at my older son when he was losing his temper at me. I felt guilty about that as I realize we’re both reacting to the stress.

I feel emotionally stuck. I am just going through the motions of day-to-day life and not really experiencing any of it. Even when doing healthy or constructive things I don’t feel accomplished or like any progress is being made.

I look fantastic on the surface. I’ve been working out, run on the elliptical, lost a bunch of baby weight, have been taking multi-vitamins, eating healthier and can even do a proper pull-up with no support, wear make-up and style my hair... but that’s on the surface. 

I feel humiliated. Even though I know this is not my fault. I feel like I was made a fool for having loved and put my trust into someone that didn’t deserve it. It still feels embarrassing.

I feel so let down by his family for choosing sides. I know blood is thicker than water and expected for things to change between us but losing them feels like more insult to injury.

I feel really lonely most of the time, even when I’m with my friends or talking on the phone. 

I know it’s obvious to feel this way, hence the title “BS” but I feel so damn betrayed! I just don’t understand how he could do this to me or our kids. I don’t know how he is okay with leaving me all alone to care for our kids without any help from anyone (especially the baby since the day he was born). I feel like a three year old in saying this, but “it’s not fair!”

I feel like I've had no real time to heal because I stuff things for my kids sakes. I try very hard to look strong for their sakes and don't cry or get angry in front of them. I haven't had a chance to really vent because I am all alone in parenting them and just can't let go, vent, let my hair down so I am stuck because I am stuffing/suppressing things just to get through another day. 

I sleep a lot more than I used to. After I take my oldest to school, I curl up with my youngest in bed a lot of mornings and sleep most of the day away because dead-time sucks for me.

Speaking about obsessing, I’ve become obsessive about my teeth. There’s nothing wrong with them but I’ve gotten hyper-diligent about caring for them and worry that they’re going to fall out (illogical fear). I think I developed this obsession to distract me from obsessing about my ex’s cheating/leaving me and the kids. I know it’s not healthy.

I feel at least a little stressed out all the time. The only relief is when I’m sleeping but even then, I clench my jaw and grind my teeth at night so my face hurts when I wake up. I worry about the toll living under constant stress is doing to me physically. I feel like my face has aged and worry about my heart as I lost my own mom to heart failure in her thirties.

I know I’m not healthy. I’m going to go to counseling, starting next month. My older son too.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> My heart is still broken. I still feel much of the same level of devastation, hurt and anger that I felt on D-Day five months ago but I stuff it down so that I can do what I need t for myself and our kids.
> 
> I cry a lot, not for long periods but for a few seconds at least once a day.
> I have verbal “ticks” and say things out loud without being able to control it or putting much thought into what I’m saying. Usually when I’m busy doing something like washing the dishes, cooking dinner or taking a shower, I say something like, “I hate you.” Or “You’ve ****ing gutted me.” Even when I’m not actually thinking about the affair and split... it just comes out of my mouth.
> ...


Same here.  I also have a Cyber cheater...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Have never been cheated on (as far as I know) but the people here who share their experience, advice, concerns, and personal lives I think has somewhat prepared me to at least have an idea of dos and donts if I ever find myself in a situation of the BS or WS. Neither of which I'd prefer of course.

It's also made me suspicious of other couples. Especially ones I know. I didn't know cheating and infidlity were somewhat common occurances until just a few years ago but it's like I see little mini-flags now


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It has made me more of a realist. 

Also, I am more aware of hate and bitterness as real, viable emotions. I never used to understand dysfunction, screaming matches and divorce, and now I do.

There's definitely an "innocence shattered" aspect to all of this. A deep sorrow follows me around like a cloud.

On the upside, I have more appreciation for taking care of myself. We all seem to have a better wardrobe at the end of this. ;-)


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

I instantly became stronger. 

Before I had proof of the affair, I was a hot mess. As soon as I knew, I went into survival mode for me and the kids.

I have learned that I don't need H. I have pretty much taken care of our 4 kids on my own anyway, so the only difference is now I'll be a single mom. But, I can do it.

I signed back up for school and although, it will take a few years, I will come out making more money than H and that feels good. 

Also, H knows that he is supporting us through school and I'm getting my car paid off, the house re-fi'd, etc. He is shelling out big bucks because of all this and when I asked him the other night if she was worth all this, his reply was "I guess not, since I'm alone now." 

So, I have become stronger and know from now on I will have a much lower bullish!t tolerance from here on out. He was given too many chances since he is the father of my kids. No more. 

Sometime's I wonder if I'm "broken", because I see some people that are so lost due to their cheating spouse's, I feel like I finally found my way.

ETA: I am slowly working on that better wardrobe.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> Sometime's I wonder if I'm "broken", because I see some people that are so lost due to their cheating spouse's, I feel like I finally found my way.


No, you're strong. Keep it up.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> This smell of this girl on me is like blood to a vampire, I don't want to go get in the shower. But I have to


Having that cute chick sitting on my lap was like a surreal thing. It felt so so good.

Man I am SO lonely for female intimacy. I have no idea how to approach women. I don't know what the hell to do about this. I guess I'm too exasperated with women to be a very good catch. 

All of my friends that I went out with the other night thought I was the coolest player ever. One of my buddies was talking to a table full of girls and I guess they kept asking about me. I'm way to self conscious and nervous to talk to a table full of women, and when one gives me attention I find myself treating her poorly because I don't know what else to do.

I still feel like this whole affair business has knocked me so far off center, it's like I was just struck in the head with a 4x4.

I wish I could find some companionship but I just don't know how. I guess I need to just practice my approach?

Saw WW this morning, found myself "playing" her. WTF.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I learned that emotional strength and personal validation have to come from within, not from another person.

I learned that everyone is fallible and relationships are always a risk. When i met her i thought, here is this amazing woman, i am lucky she evn looks at me. But she has flaws too. Both of us brought our baggage into the relationship. The act of reconciling forces us to confront that baggage. It never finishes. We could hit a problem again one day, but for now we cherish what we have.

The affair was many years ago, we are reconciled and happy. I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but I realise I am a better person than I gave myself credit for when I was younger and starting out. All of us as we get through this should allow ourselves some time to appreciate our own strengths as well as work on, but not become despondent about, our weaknesses.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

As broken as I feel at times by all of this, there have been positive changes in me too. I let my ex walk on me. He convinced me that I was the only one with problems in the relationship and that if anyone had to do any work on themselves - it was me.

When I was pregnant, I was cooking, cleaning and doing the wash on the line but I sat a lot (goes with the territory of having a watermelon for an abdomen) because I was physically tired. He called me names like "lazy" and looked at me contemptuously in the eyes when I told him my hips and back hurt so yes, I was sitting more often. Other husbands would probably be a lot more sensitive to the pregnant mother of their children but I got called "lazy" lol. I'm sorry but that's fvcked up.

As much as my heart hurts, I gained more respect for myself and realize a lot of things that were messed up with HIM beyond the cheating and know I didn't deserve that. 

Finding proof that he was cheating, also made me feel like I could trust my instincts and I recognized the crazy-making and gas-lighting for what it was.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Have never been cheated on (as far as I know) but the people here who share their experience, advice, concerns, and personal lives I think has somewhat prepared me to at least have an idea of dos and donts if I ever find myself in a situation of the BS or WS. Neither of which I'd prefer of course.
> 
> It's also made me suspicious of other couples. Especially ones I know. I didn't know cheating and infidlity were somewhat common occurances until just a few years ago but it's like I see little mini-flags now


I think I'm getting the sense of when someone's relationship is on the rocks. I was invited to an all women's lunch party. I remember the hostess said something about her husband that I thought, hmm, something's wrong here.

Because this was a special weekend, there was a party the same night for everyone so her husband was there....er, he actually made a pass at me.

My opinion: friendships take way too long to develop to ruin it by some out of control fling.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> My opinion: friendships take way too long to develop to ruin it by some out of control fling.


I can't understand why another man/woman would want a married man/woman. There are a lot of sexy, funny single people in this world to fall in love with and no lives get destroyed in the process of dating them.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I can't understand why another man/woman would want a married man/woman. There are a lot of sexy, funny single people in this world to fall in love with and no lives get destroyed in the process of dating them.


They do it because they can get extra special attention from a married person than they would a single person. And I think they enjoy hurting the BS.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> My heart is still broken. I still feel much of the same level of devastation, hurt and anger that I felt on D-Day five months ago but I stuff it down so that I can do what I need t for myself and our kids.
> 
> I cry a lot, not for long periods but for a few seconds at least once a day.
> I have verbal “ticks” and say things out loud without being able to control it or putting much thought into what I’m saying. Usually when I’m busy doing something like washing the dishes, cooking dinner or taking a shower, I say something like, “I hate you.” Or “You’ve ****ing gutted me.” Even when I’m not actually thinking about the affair and split... it just comes out of my mouth.
> ...


Miss Taken, I am finding much comfort in your post, because I am feeling so much of the same things. I thought after five months, I would be much farther along with my healing process than I am. I have been through divorce before, and I was SO strong! But this time, I feel so defeated. Even though I just bought my own house, have an amazing daughter and just adopted a rescue dog, I just feel...empty, like a shell of myself. I am so used to being strong. I sleep a lot too. Like until 2-3pm a lot of weekends, if I dont have something scheduled. I hate it, but cant seem to get out doing it. I keep telling myself that I am healing, to give it time. This thread has been good for me, nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> My heart is still broken. I still feel much of the same level of devastation, hurt and anger that I felt on D-Day five months ago but I stuff it down so that I can do what I need t for myself and our kids.
> 
> I cry a lot, not for long periods but for a few seconds at least once a day.
> I have verbal “ticks” and say things out loud without being able to control it or putting much thought into what I’m saying. Usually when I’m busy doing something like washing the dishes, cooking dinner or taking a shower, I say something like, “I hate you.” Or “You’ve ****ing gutted me.” Even when I’m not actually thinking about the affair and split... it just comes out of my mouth.
> ...



Yes, you pretty much summed it up here. I will add... in my case I am in the process of a divorce so my status will change from married to divorced, and I will also become a single mother to four children. My trust in men is shattered, and I don't think I will ever get it back.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I am so happy (and sad) to hear that I am not the only one with no patience. After church today, the kids and I ran errands and my attitude with others is so bad that I had to come home. No one should have to be around me today. I hate fighting with my kids but feel like I do it all the time. I look at every stupid blue Civic checking to see if it's her. I have lost a ton of hair....I had beautiful hair. Thankfully it's coming back in. My mjgrihave exploded to 2xs per week because of the stress. I don't trust anything he says and question everything he does. I'm just so angry. I see other couples actually loving each other and it just makes me so sad. I have a friend that tells me I should start dating to get my mind off of it but my thought is, why? So I can hurt them with my pain? Ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

*migraines have*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It has made me sad.
Even though we are successfully reconciling, I have a sadness that will never go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

ImperfectMomma said:


> I have lost a ton of hair....I had beautiful hair. Thankfully it's coming back in. I should start dating to get my mind off of it but my thought is, why? So I can hurt them with my pain? Ugh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've also lost a ton of hair. I assumed it was from childbirth and could quite possibly be so but if it keeps up, it will be pretty bad. 

Not that I owe my ex any loyalty of any kind, I just can't bring myself to feel attracted to other men right now. My heart still doesn't feel single and I know I'm a wreck. It wouldn't be fair to date anyone else because unlike my ex, I'm not in the gamy of using people.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Miss Taken, I am finding much comfort in your post, because I am feeling so much of the same things. I thought after five months, I would be much farther along with my healing process than I am. I have been through divorce before, and I was SO strong! But this time, I feel so defeated. Even though I just bought my own house, have an amazing daughter and just adopted a rescue dog, I just feel...empty, like a shell of myself. I am so used to being strong. I sleep a lot too. Like until 2-3pm a lot of weekends, if I dont have something scheduled. I hate it, but cant seem to get out doing it. I keep telling myself that I am healing, to give it time. This thread has been good for me, nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.


Miss Taken and 3xnocharm, I'm with you guys too. I'm feeling the exact same thing. 3x said it just right: I feel like a shell of a human being. This hurts more than I ever thought anything could hurt, but I can't let my STBXH keep stomping on my toes and hurting me. At some point, you realize that you're not a doormat and you deserve to be respected and to have someone who respects and cares about your feelings. 

So I will take my shell of a self and I'll probably exercise like crazy. I'm determined to get back into high school fitness level.  I'll probably just be by myself for awhile and piece my life back together and figure out a way to get happy again. I will say this though: I'll never give that much of myself to another person again. I too am glad to have this forum as a support. I have me, my dog, and this forum in my life now.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have realized that Ive changed because the 'little things' people say or do dont bother me like they used to. I know real pain. So the 'little things' just dont matter, they cant sting anymore. Is that called "comfortably numb"?

Also, I dont feel as attached to anyone as i did before. Like I've put up a wall all around. I worry if I let the wall down I might fall apart so I keep it raised high. Im sure in time that will change.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Introverted, defeated, useless, depressed, suicidal at times, deep deep sadness, worthless, incapable of satisfying my partners needs, incommunicable...mostly like crap.
The thing that hurts me the most is being lied to, because now I know that there is a 50/50 chance that everything she says is a lie and it's eating me alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

As I've mentioned, I can't go through a single day without spending a lot of time going over my marriage and my stbxw's cheating and lying about it. Way too much time wasted on this.

On the positive side - like canttrustu - I think I have actually become a calmer person. Little things don't bother me as much - even driving - where I used to get frustrated and impatient in traffic (which is always bad where I live) - now I just go with the flow. I don't get upset with the kids as much because anything they do pales in comparison with what their mother has done. I have an "I've seen it all" attitude now - so when my kids misbehave, I deal with it in a much calmer manner.

On the negative side - I have a lot of trouble completing things - like reading a book, for example. I have about 10 books under the bed all 75% read. I have moved my office into my wife's old office - yet I still have boxes of junk in my old office which I should sort through - but can't seem to get off my a$$ to do. I used to just get stuff done without even thinking about it. Now I make to-do lists and if I get through 50% of them in day - it's a good day. Procrastination is really becoming a main theme of my life. Sign of depression, perhaps?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> As I've mentioned, I can't go through a single day without spending a lot of time going over my marriage and my stbxw's cheating and lying about it. Way too much time wasted on this.
> 
> On the negative side - I have a lot of trouble completing things - like reading a book, for example. I have about 10 books under the bed all 75% read. I have moved my office into my wife's old office - yet I still have boxes of junk in my old office which I should sort through - but can't seem to get off my a$$ to do. I used to just get stuff done without even thinking about it. Now I make to-do lists and if I get through 50% of them in day - it's a good day. Procrastination is really becoming a main theme of my life. Sign of depression, perhaps?


I am SO tired of thinking about it! I consciously tell myself, just STOP!! It constantly seeps back in, and I am so, so, tired of it. Those two people do not deserve a single moment's thought, but it just wont stop. 

I am procrastinating as well, Cedarman. I was always a procrastinator, but now its hit new heights. I just dont feel like doing anything.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

highwood said:


> Now I am so suspicious all the time..and that bugs me. To go from not questioning anything to now being paranoid and suspicious..I hate it!
> 
> The funny thing is I look back and think man H had his own laptop for years and not once did I feel the need to check it out, to question why he had a password on it in order to log on, etc. etc. Never looked at the cell phone logs to see what numbers he was calling or who was calling him.
> 
> This is what bothers me now is that whether I stay married to him or move on to another relationship this has changed me into a suspicious/paranoid person.


Good post. My husband changed whatever I wanted in the beginning when he was 21 - a kid. Porn - no big deal, he stopped. Even sued an employer and won over it - he won money, so why wouldn't I think he is anti-porn - but he was a perv who used his "goodness" as weapon. There are many other examples in the first 2 years where I said, no that's not good and he was like, ya, you are right. I believed in redemption, changing things for a relationship. I did, for our relationship, of course I did. So, why wouldn't it be easy for him? He is not me, you see. I am me, he is himself. I cannot expect anything out of anyone, even my own husband. 

So now, I realize, that if there is another in the future, I will either accept the man entirely with all flaws and never ask for a change or just leave...You drive 90 miles per hour and get tickets weekly - I won't say a word - I will just cut out. You like porn - fine, I want out. Bye.

This experience has shown me that I cannot trust anyone who says they will change and does actually change a bad habit or any destructive areas in their/our life simply because I ask for it. (If it is a bad habit - why wouldn't they know it already? I shouldn't have to point it out for them to change. They have their character - I cannot make them have character.) Instead, I will cut and run. Why? Because my H, the father of my child, took all his horrendous habits underground and got WORSE. 

That is really the most change in me. I understand I cannot change the man I am with, even if he says he wants to change. I have nothing to do with it. If I don't like it, I can leave it - period!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> It has made me sad.
> Even though we are successfully reconciling, I have a sadness that will never go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I think its fair to say one does 'find oneself' more after being in the 'abyss' of infidelity.

I've lost some weight which frankly I could have done with !

I find I have the huge anger but can keep it all at bay until I am in any physicality with her, school functions etc - then I'm fighting myself to remain calm which for the kids I always do.

Outside of that I have some tolerance for anything petty and like mentioned above things that would annoy me before just whizz over my head now 

However I have decided if anything/anybody upsets me in a significant way they are going to get it right there and then no holding back.

I spent 15 years holding back on many issues that before I would have brought out front on the spot so I'm not doing that any more. Trouble is that does make people slightly fearful of you ! 

I also have zero tolerance of anybody connected to her even people I was good friends with - if they want somebody in their lives as willfully destructive as that who can rip up marriages (others as well as her own) with not a second thought - then good luck to 'em. 

Trust is the scary thing, I can feel right now I have zero capacity to want to give it - to anybody

Sadly I've 'hardened up' lost some of my softness / sweetness and it pains me to think it's never coming back but hey I'll live with it as long as it stops some other woman rippng me to pieces ever again :scratchhead:


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> It has made me sad.
> Even though we are successfully reconciling, I have a sadness that will never go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the reason I've decided against R. The pain will not go away. 

I told my WW that I remember each and every event of my life since childhood so how can I forget this painful event. 

She has to wait for me to get amnesia/memory loss for R.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am SO tired of thinking about it! I consciously tell myself, just STOP!! It constantly seeps back in, and I am so, so, tired of it. Those two people do not deserve a single moment's thought, but it just wont stop.
> 
> I am procrastinating as well, Cedarman. I was always a procrastinator, but now its hit new heights. I just dont feel like doing anything.


I'm restless. I'm and was always a procrastinator. Finding these as my negative points in this painful phase of my life, I've invited my Mother to stay with me. My Mom is a tough master, she found that I'm procrastinating and she took the command and started ordering the task to be done. It worked like charm, I'm much better shape now.

So what I'm trying to say is if possible, get some to help and support. Someone who will cheer you up and help you move forward.

But I'm yet directionless...don't know which direction life is moving...looks like life is stand-still as of now !!!


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

My insides have been scraped out with the dull edge of a spoon, leaving me empty, but with a raw, inflamed inner shell always throbbing with a low-level pain. Thoughts of my wife are akin to touching the exposed nerves of that inner shell, which responds by shooting white-hot bolts of agony through my emotional being, crippling my ability to interact with her in any intimate or meaningful way.

Being constantly exposed to this level of emotional pain has left me virtually numb to the outside world. I feel like I’m in hell and looking out on society through a hazy portal. I’m separated, suspended, paralyzed, and can’t reach out for help.

My wife’s adultery has taught me what it’s like to be truly alone -- and to find comfort in it. If such persistent pain is ultimately the price of loving another so deeply, then it is a toll too steep.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

John2012 said:


> This is the reason I've decided against R. The pain will not go away.
> 
> I told my WW that I remember each and every event of my life since childhood so how can I forget this painful event.
> 
> She has to wait for me to get amnesia/memory loss for R.


I would have said the same, and I successfully reconciled. The pain never goes away, but you do get it into perspective eventually.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

John2012 said:


> This is the reason I've decided against R. The pain will not go away.
> 
> I told my WW that I remember each and every event of my life since childhood so how can I forget this painful event.
> 
> She has to wait for me to get amnesia/memory loss for R.


John - doesn't that totally suck!!! I have that kind of f'd up memory also - like I can remember [email protected] since like 2 years old. I remember conversations - everything is in the forefront of my mind. It drives me crazy - why? Because everyone else can't even seem to remember what happened 24 hours ago. And I'm the memory for everyone and then I get questioned about my memory because they don't remember it, so to them, how could it have happened. Drives me NUTS. Plus, with that kind of memory - extreme details - it is almost, no it is impossible to get over much of anything, really. Everything is so fresh - always, no matter what. So betrayal - oh God.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh, and I have less patience for him in general.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This thread was actually more helpful to me than I initially thought it would be. I've never been diagnosed or given anti-depression meds but this thread made me realize that my mental health has really taken a nose dive due to the betrayal, the abandonment, stress of single-parenthood, isolation (living far from family), etc. I have even more symptoms that I didn't go into here that point to a depressive disorder of some kind.

I went to the Drs. yesterday and was prescribed 24mg Zoloft. They had to start me low because I'm breastfeeding and they said it's one of the safest depression meds to take when nursing. I've never been diagnosed or given anti-depression meds but this thread made me realize that I am just not coping well at all. 

I thought I was holding up but after writing here and in my private journal and doing some reading, I could clearly see that I'm not. 

Yesterday I took my first anti-depressant pill with dinner. That evening, I felt GREAT. Then I had a major panic/anxiety attack (couldn't breathe enough air, racing thoughts, depressive mood, obsessing, couldn't concentrate, pressure in my chest etc.) in the middle of the night and realized I've been having these a lot over the last few months but never paid attention to it. 

I've been doing a lot of reading about post infidelity stress disorder, acute/chronic stress and depression and I am definitely suffering with something. I will be working with my doctor and starting next month - a counselor to help me deal and hopefully heal. As much as I've tried to stop obsessing/thinking about things I haven't been able to do it on my own and with just TAM by themselves. I need help.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

So a few weeks ago I found out she cheated on me. About 4 Emotional Affairs and a pair of one night stands with a guy. I'm not sure if I got on the fast track or what, but I actually wonder if I'm starting to get over it. 

Not over it like "it doesn't bother me" I mean it's sunk in, and the feeling is actually some relief. That may sound strange, and it's not relief that I found out, it's me. I mean, i worked 60+ hours a week while my wife was a stay at home mom. My wardrobe was empty, and i sacrificed so she wouldn't have to work, could get her hair and nails done, and hell she didn't even have to cook more than 2 or 3 days a week. 

So at first it hurt, bad. But then something happened and the pieces began to re-assemble, and I realized, to my own delight, that what was once so large a burden has been lifted from me. That there was this huge weight i'd been carrying for 12 years that just fell away. 

So then I found myself with more money, and no one to pester me about ordering out or getting their nails done or going out or anything. So I bought clothes. 

Then again to my delight I went out, and discovered that after working retail for so many years I had an easy time meeting people, making new acquaintances and again talking to old friends. And I discovered, to my amazement, female attention. Lots and lots of it. 

I even thought friends had put these girls up to it to make me feel better, until I learned they didn't even know a few of them. So I felt a little like a rock star. No I didn't take any home, and I do believe there was opportunity. I think after a few weeks it's too soon to get involved with anyone else. Months down the road maybe, but not weeks. Even though I almost feel like im ready. 


The hole inside my wife left is now filled to the brim with me. Im already losing weight, and soon I'll be hitting the gym. I don't drink except when I go out now. I met scores of people, and learned I _matter_. She begs me to take her back, and I really don't know. I really, really, like the new me. 

And I get to spend the next 12 years, or however long sacrificing for me. Not for someone who will take advantage and get a free ride.

Sometimes they open pandoras box and don't like what they find, and maybe realize they were on an artificial pedestal and really had no business being there in the first place.

I'm also not sure she didn't snatch me young, foolish, and a virgin when I was 19.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I will never completely trust another woman. My life is far simpler and my finances are in much better shape. I don't watch TV anymore, don't go to movies. TAM & reading. Peace and quiet is very important to me now. My main hobby is going to bars and observing people, and having an occasional conversation. Not interested in dating. I'm 9 months out from dday.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh, and another thing. I learned that the "soulmate" thing is not something you want to pin your hopes on. I think it's rare. Me thinking that my ex and I had something special led me to believe nothing would happen between her male friend at work who was almost 60 ( she's 43) and in poor health. They live together now.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

It feels like my wife committed suicide a year ago and blamed me with her last breath.

Her ghost haunts me every single time I pick up the kids.


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