# she wears ex husbands ring



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

*well hello*

New user here from Ohio been married 10 years needing some relationship advise,,if you have time to read i would appreciate feedback! 

Thank you and have a freaking amazing day!

So my wife and I have had our fair share of problems in a relationship we have been married almost 10 years., there have been "incidents" where she has broken my trust and completely disrespected me as a husband.

I'm a very good man and I forgave her because I wanted to keep our family and well i was blind in love with her..her daughter became mine at 9 years old she's 20 now and shes my everything.. during our marriage my wife has mentioned more than once that she had sold her mother a ring when her and her ex husband were financially in need and she always talked about how she wanted this ring back, about a year ago her mother surprised her and gifted her the ring back,she was ecstatic and I was happy for her until she told me she designed this ring during their marriage and this was her wedding ring with her ex..which i was uncomfortable with.

(just a little backlog about 4 years ago it was revealed that she had been secretly talking to her ex-husband for months, text messages everyday, phone calls for hours..as soon as she recieved the ring she promptly took our wedding ring off and replaced it with the ring from her previous marriage,, she said it was prettier(about 2000 more prettier)everytime i looked at her finger i was hurt and angry i wouldnt even hold her hand.

I told her I couldn't take it,that it was completely disrespectful to me as a husband! she got angry saying it's just a ring and she designed it it doesn't represent their marriage.. she hasn't worn it in a couple months, but the marriage has not been good ive become tired of being treated badly,its been very distant, two weeks ago and told her everything I knew she had been hiding and that even though i knew her discretions all this time i stayed because i loved her and was in love with her but that i was tired of being run over and unappreciated and i had fallen out of love with her (believe me it wasnt easy but if you knew how much there was and how forgiving ive been) i told her she's been disrespectful to me and hasn't treated me as she cares about me at all! first time I've actually said everything i felt yet i wasn't mean and for the first time she acted like she understood and realized she was going to lose me, and things have been better the last week and a half great even.

Ttonight she asked me to take her to the jewelry store so she can get a ring from her dad sized. when we pull up in the parking lot and start walking up to the jewelry store she says oh I'm also going to get this one sized so I can wear it on my right hand, i look down and our ring is off and she's wearing the wedding ring from her ex.

I haven't said much at all to her since. she says she doesn't understand why have a problem with it,is she being naive or does she just not care?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: well hello*

The ring, while just a thing, is an important thing... it is a promise to honor the vows placed together in complete trust.

Hard to trust words if actions do not follow them.

She is not naive, she knows exactly where her priorities lie.

If she is putting you in a position to lose you, testing whether you will walk away, what does that tell you?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: well hello*

Seriously dude?

What is this this craziness. The ring is just a symptom of the over all marriage. She doesn't care. If it was me I would kick her ass out and let her go wear the ring and talk and text for hours with her ex in person, as it's obviously where she wants to be. I wouldn't keep wasting my time, not when there are many other women out there and one of them may want to really be with you. Wear the ring that symbolizes your marriage. 

You are settling. It's probably more important you figure out why that is. She is not the only women in the world. She completely disrespects you and your marriage and you know and say as much. 

By the way allowing your spouse to disrespect you and your marriage over and over and staying with that person doesn't make you a good person. A good man protects the innocent even if the innocent party is himself. A good man doesn't allow others to be bullied, even if the person being bullied is himself. 

Why are you really allowing this to go on? Allowing yourself to be mistreated and calling that being noble and honorable really profanes those words. 

sigh, these stories get worse and worse.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: well hello*



gingersnap1111 said:


> She says she doesn't understand why have a problem with it,is she being naive or does she just not care?


She is not naive. She wants to do what she wants to do. And no, she does not care about you.

I would tell her something like this: You don't need to understand WHY I have a problem with it. You simply need to understand that I DO have a problem with it and if it's "just a ring" then there is no reason for YOU to insist on wearing it.

Then whatever stupid reason she gives, I would say this AND MEAN IT:

I am not going to remain married to a woman who wears her wedding ring from a previous marriage. Just like I am not going to remain married to a woman who frequently calls and texts her ex husband. Your immature, selfish, cruel behavior has destroyed my love for you.

Regarding your 20 year old daughter, she is an adult now. If you are staying with her mom because you don't want to lose her, I would start working on your relationship with her independent of your wife. Call her to see how she's doing and does she need anything. Take her to lunch if you live nearby. Etc. You raised her and she has a connection to *you *now. Make sure she knows you will always be there for her and you always want to be in her life no matter what happens between her mom and you. Odds are she already has an inkling how her mom is and wonders why you've stuck around as long as you have.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: well hello*

Do you know what is talked about in all of these conversations with her ex?


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: well hello*

I have a ring from an old boyfriend. After we broke up I gave it to my mother because she didn't want me to throw it out. After she died I found it among her jewelry. I am now separated from my husband and it's been 25 years since this boyfriend gave me the ring and guess what...I'm still not wearing that ring. A ring like that, but especially a wedding ring, is a symbol of their promise, their love, their life together. I'm not sure how she doesn't see this but for whatever reason she doesn't. It's time to tell her it's you or the ring. If the ring is so important to her, she can snuggle up with it at night because you won't be there anymore. She really doesn't need to understand why you feel as you do, she just needs to know that you feel that way. 

It is possible that she's attached to the ring more because it's something she designed and not because of what it was supposed to represent and she's only looking at that aspect of it. She can always go design another ring for herself, one that doesn't have any connection to another man.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

No I do not know the context of conversations they had, nor did I ask that wasn't the issue.. if you have to lie and cover something up from your spouse it probably isn't right. That breaks the trust and shows disrespect.. and yes she may just like the ring but that doesn't make it any easier.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: well hello*

She sounds disrespectful, materialistic, and thoughtlessly selfish. She does not hear/listen to your wants or needs. You seem to be down the list of importance to her. Please set boundaries that she is aware of--don't expect her to read your mind.

If you make changes, she will be resistant. Is she looking to pick a fight? Is she controlling in other areas of your 'marriage?'
@sokillme has given you excellent advice on being a husband. Have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" (Robert Glover)?

Follow advice given about stepdaughter. She needs to know with certainty that you are there for her.

If name and pic are real, ask moderator to change for confidentiality.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: well hello*

@gingersnap1111 She seems to forget that he is her ex.

That's wrong and disrespectful to you and the marriage.

Why did they divorce?


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

gingersnap1111 said:


> SEARCH IN THE CURRENT
> AND SHOW ME
> gingersnap1111
> online
> ...


Gingersnap - What do you mean "search in the current and show me...." ??? Are you trying to find your original thread? If so, here is a link to it: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/new-m...-yourself/432091-well-hello.html#post19815953


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She has disregarded your feelings, and shown you enormous disrespect.

You are a low priority to her, and you treat her better than she deserves.

Start focusing on yourself. Hit the gym, new hobbies/social life, etc.

Start preparing a new independent support system and get your ducks in a row to cut her loose. 

This may cause a change in her behavior, but dont assume that is love or new found respect. 

She is treating you like a commodity, buy sell or hold.

Right now you are a hold rating, but realize there is little sympathy for you it's just business.

She may be incapable of much else, so you may have to game her for the rest of your marriage.

She seems to have a stronger emotional tie to her hstory with her ex. You cannot change that, and you cannot compete with that, all you can do is use her the same way she is using you.

Drop the "unconditional love" take her down from the pedestal and face facts.

You may be capable of unconditional love, but relationships are not unconditional, they are relational.

Sorry, she does not love you like your mother did. No disrespect to you or your mother. I love my mother too.

Having said all that she may have an epiphany, but I doubt it, and if it looks like one, just wait it out to see if it lasts. Idk maybe 6 months, then cut the anchor rope.

Good luck.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I would start looking at your finances too.

Seperate credit cards so she can't run up your debt.

Dont buy a house or take on ANY debt, or student loans, until you feel the marriage is viable. 

Be prepared to move one half of your funds into an account in your name only if tings go bad.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would have a huge problem with this, if it were me in your shoes. She's greatly disrespecting you as her husband, and I think that you have every right to be upset about it. If I were you, given her history with her ex-husband, I would start tracking things and keeping a log, quietly. Keep reaching out here; people have some really great advice, and I would think about separating out some finances and maybe start looking for a lawyer. It sounds really fishy to me. I mean, they have a child together, and I get that they need to be in contact because of her, but that "child" isn't a child anymore; they don't really need to coordinate schedules, etc. Much luck to you and keep us in touch!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Automatic divorce. Done. Anything less you’re a chump, tolerating blatant disrespect from a wife who still pines for her ex. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

I appreciate all the advice, i will start reading the book today,The reason they divorced is she said they were unhappy, bickering all the time, the marriage had became bad and they separated while figuring out if they want to divorced and she met me. And when I said I'm a good man I wasn't referring to the fact that I've forgiven her I was referring to the fact that I'm not a guy that deserves it, I've always treated her as the number one person in my life, and I realize I have let myself get ran over.. we moved to Ohio to take care of her dad so for 10 years her family has become my family and I guess I was always afraid that if I divorced her I was going to lose everything.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

I appreciate all the advice, And when I said I'm a good man I wasn't referring to the fact that I've forgiven her I was referring to the fact that I'm not a guy that deserves it, I've always treated her as the number one person in my life, and I realize I have let myself get ran over.. we moved to Ohio to take care of her dad so for 10 years her family has become my family and I guess I was always afraid that if I divorced her I was going to lose everything.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get to a lawyer and see what is what. You need to do this for information so that you can plan accordingly.
You need to get info on finances, custody, your house, etc.. Go to a few of the best in your area for consults. IF you do wind up divorcing her, she won't be able to use the ones you went to.

The fact that she replaced YOUR wedding ring with her ex's (even if SHE designed it) should tell you all you need to know. She is disrespectful and obviously cares more about material things than your emotions.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: well hello*

Hey, I wasn't asking about the context to make an excuse for her. I was asking for the context to put a reason behind her wanting to wear his ring.

I think it is awful, the whole thing, and you should call her out, hold her accountable, and ultimately file for divorce, because I don't think she will care.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

gingersnap1111 said:


> So my wife and I have had our fair share of problems in a relationship we have been married almost 10 years., there have been "incidents" where she has broken my trust and completely disrespected me as a husband.


Can you elaborate on these "incidents"? Might help us understand her a little more.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Nor did i believe you you were, i was only stating to me no matter the context just the lying and manipulation about it was enough,i should have realized,,i do have "nice guy syndrome"


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Okay I will elaborate. my wife can be very manipulative, I now realize just how much so. 3 days after we got married she decided to tell me that my best friend had been trying to get with her for about four months into the start of our relationship, mind you we were only together for eight months before we got married. Immediately took it as a full broken trust. I got upset she started lying to try to calm me down and it upset me more than she was lying and was obvious about it so I left for 3 days, I was heartbroken.. for the past 10 years I've paid for that if I constantly having It reversed on me and throwing up in my face that I was at fault for leaving,, when it was revealed she was talking to her ex we haven't hadn't had sex in a year with no explanation and when I finally got one out of her it was menopause.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

wow she is FULL of BS excuses. You are correct, you let her treat you like this too long and you need to put your boundaries in place and start standing up to her. I'm SURE you will get a ton of crap from her on you standing up to her.
She likes treating you this way and won't want to change.


IF she had ASKED when she got it back if you minded if she wore it on her RIGHT hand since she designed it, THAT may have been ok, but she is going about this completely wrong and is showing you what she thinks of you/your feelings. She thinks you won't stand up to her and I hope that you change her perception on this.

BTW, I hope that the "best friend" is no longer and you don't talk/interact with him in any way. What a scumbag.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: well hello*

Can you ask the moderators to merge your two threads -- it is tough following both...


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

oh yes i cut him loose right away,,i should have done more.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

No offense meant. 
But fact she wants to wear a ring from an X because it's more expensive is disgustingly shallow and self-absorbed. 

How can you even be in the same room without wanting to vomit?


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

well its taken me a long time to realize that I'm worth a whole lot more!!


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

yes,my bad im new lol


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> wow she is FULL of BS excuses. You are correct, you let her treat you like this too long and you need to put your boundaries in place and start standing up to her. I'm SURE you will get a ton of crap from her on you standing up to her.
> She likes treating you this way and won't want to change.


Screw boundaries, divorce her disrespectul ass and be done.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

how do i do that?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

gingersnap1111 said:


> well its taken me a long time to realize that I'm worth a whole lot more!!


You took her 9 year old girl and made her your own. Buddy, you get my vote.....
@jlg07 is right. Go see a lawyer and find out where you stand, and what to expect.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: well hello*

Gingersnap do you wear a wedding ring?...if you do, you might want to remove it and say nothing let her notice it and then tell her that since you do not respect our marriage by not wearing my ring than I will no longer be wearing my ring because i do not respect your decision.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

gingersnap1111 said:


> , when it was revealed she was talking to her ex we haven't hadn't had sex in a year with no explanation and when I finally got one out of her it was menopause.


Is her ex in close proximity to you? I hate to break it to you, but if she cut off sex while in constant contact with him, she probably didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend with you.

And she was trying to wear his ring? You're probably a side note to their relationship and don't realize it.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

No the ex husband is in Texas and has been for quite some time


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

gingersnap1111 said:


> No the ex husband is in Texas and has been for quite some time


You're sure of this or she told you this?


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Yes I wear one. I just never wanted to stoop to that level but I guess I should lol


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

No I know this for a fact, doesn't mean she didn't want to be with him, but no he physically wasn't and isn't here


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

3x I agree, but he still needs to stand up to her or he is going to get walked on in the D.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: well hello*



gingersnap1111 said:


> how do i do that?


Send a Private Message to @EleGirl or @MattMatt.
They are moderators and can take care of it for you.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: well hello*



gingersnap1111 said:


> Yes I wear one. I just never wanted to stoop to that level but I guess I should lol


I agree with you -- stop the games, and STOP playing her games. You really need to just stand up and say enough. You won't put up with the disrespect any longer, and wearing someone elses ring is just too disreprectful.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Okay I did that thank you for the advice


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I also don't think menopause equals no more sex. There is a deeper issue that exists.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thus far, what I'm getting from you is your wife has lied, can be very manipulative, and placed you in a sexless marriage for a year. Additionally, she is in frequent contact with her ex, wears her previous wedding ring, and treats you with disrespect. 

So what is it exactly that you love so much about this woman? Have you ever given this serious thought and tried to figure out why you tolerate this sort of crap? Seriously.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Well honestly as much as it sucks to say I guess somewhere along the way I started loving her more than I love myself, I realize the past year that I have fallen out of love with her and told her that two weeks ago I laid everything out on the table completely she said she wanted to make it right so Saturday was the first time we actually get to spend alone time together since then and she wore the old ring that she hasn't worn in over a year since I told her I couldn't take it. Part of the reason it's lasted this long it's because I'm afraid of what's going to happen to her and my daughter and now my grandson once I leave she doesn't work. My daughter and grandson still live at the house


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

gingersnap1111 said:


> oh yes i cut him loose right away,,i should have done more.


Think about how much better off you'd be if your good old best friend would have stolen her. Both men and women consistantly get it backwards. They think because they love her (him), that's the reason to stay. You stay because the love they have for you makes you feel like the cat's pajamas and they will be there to dust your azz off when you hit the dirt. 
Ginger my man, not only will you not gain anything by being forgiving. You'll lose even more. The chick doesn't respect you. When a chick doesn't respect a man, its impossible for her to romantically love the man. She's been gone a while and you're fooling yourself with the presents of her ghost that just can't turn away from the benefits she derives from you and go into the light. The wedding ring is her exercising power over you and breaking you into a better routine where she benefits even more. 
My prescription for her being an manipulator is to tell yourself, three times a day, for the next 21 days, "I can only be manipulated if I volunteer to be manipulated". Next, remember that it doesn't matter if she thinks there's nothing wrong wearing the ring. What matters is if you think there's something wrong with wearing the ring. Just tell her she ain't wearing that f-ing ring and be married to you. Leave the door open to negotiation and you lose again.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

That's the most real thing that I needed to hear right there!!


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gingersnap1111 said:


> No I do not know the context of conversations they had, nor did I ask that wasn't the issue.. if you have to lie and cover something up from your spouse it probably isn't right. That breaks the trust and shows disrespect.. and yes she may just like the ring but that doesn't make it any easier.


If your W had any ounce of respect she would take the ring and have it dismantled and a newly designed ring or necklace made. Both with your input.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gingersnap1111 said:


> Okay I will elaborate. my wife can be very manipulative, I now realize just how much so. 3 days after we got married she decided to tell me that my best friend had been trying to get with her for about four months into the start of our relationship, mind you we were only together for eight months before we got married. Immediately took it as a full broken trust. I got upset she started lying to try to calm me down and it upset me more than she was lying and was obvious about it so I left for 3 days, I was heartbroken.. for the past 10 years I've paid for that if I constantly having It reversed on me and throwing up in my face that I was at fault for leaving,, when it was revealed she was talking to her ex we haven't hadn't had sex in a year with no explanation and when I finally got one out of her it was menopause.


Your W is full on BS mode. She should have said your "best friend" was hitting on her. He is not your best friend. It would be broken trust to me as well. 

Menopause? I don't buy that either.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gingersnap1111 said:


> Yes I wear one. I just never wanted to stoop to that level but I guess I should lol


Keep your ring on. Do not stoop to that level. You respect what the ring means. Your W finds rings as an accessory. Particularly wedding rings.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

gingersnap1111 said:


> Well honestly as much as it sucks to say I guess somewhere along the way I started loving her more than I love myself, I realize the past year that I have fallen out of love with her and told her that two weeks ago I laid everything out on the table completely she said she wanted to make it right so Saturday was the first time we actually get to spend alone time together since then and she wore the old ring that she hasn't worn in over a year since I told her I couldn't take it. Part of the reason it's lasted this long it's because I'm afraid of what's going to happen to her and my daughter and now my grandson once I leave she doesn't work. My daughter and grandson still live at the house


Called your W out on her sh!t. So, either your W is looking to save the comfy life you have provided or understands were she has gone wrong with the ring and no sex for months on end. I'm believing your W wants to retain the comfy life you are providing. 

Actions speak louder than words. If your W goes back to her nonsense in a week you will have your answer.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

like you said she is a master manipulator, i woudl call her on the carpet and tell her that you have lost complete trust in her and that you will never again trust what she says. frankly i honestly would think of divorcing her.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

I have been thinking about it that's why I'm here..


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

gingersnap1111 said:


> But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


There is something called a "**** test". Some people LIKE forcing their partner to enforce their boundaries. It "proves" something in their minds. I wonder if that is her game. Personally, if that was a game my partner wanted to play, I'd give him or her the ball and leave the court.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, she is testing how firm you are going to be by wearing that ring.
I'd just tell her flat out she needs to get rid of IT or you.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

gingersnap1111 said:


> But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


She is playing push/pull to keep you off balance.

Testing to see what she can get away with.

She doesn't love you. She knows you know that but are afraid to act, because of this her respect for you has plummeted, and her love followed. 

You usually can't come back from this.

If you scare her with confident, decisive action, she will tow the line for a bit, but that is not love or respect.

I told you that you are like an investment to her. Buy/sell/hold.

Push/pull tests your value. You put a pretty low price on yourself. Dont expect her to value you higher than you value yourself. 

I dont think you can come back from this.

If you confidently put yourself first, her estimate of you may sore (sex, interest, submission), but it is still just a business proposition. 

It's just how she rolls.

It is who she is.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: well hello*



gingersnap1111 said:


> New user here from Ohio been married 10 years needing some relationship advise,,if you have time to read i would appreciate feedback!
> 
> Thank you and have a freaking amazing day!
> 
> ...


Without reading anything but this post, you are a bit of a door mat. I'm not insulting you. You are a very nice guy and are being taken for granted and not respected.

You need to learn and enact more dominant traits. Might want to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

You need to believe you are actually worthy of a good mate and worthy of being treated with respect and love like you treat her with respect and love.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gingersnap1111 said:


> But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


Have papers drawn up and hand them to her. Let her know she can wear the stupid ring if she signs the petition for divorce or, she can sell it and use the money to pay for marriage counseling and actually start taking your marriage seriously.

Either or. No in between.


----------



## gingersnap1111 (Mar 10, 2019)

Exactly right I am a doormat, no offense taken it is what it is, it's my own fault I let it happen..i started the "no more mr. nice guy this afternoon,i immediately saw myself in the first 3 pages, hard realization!


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

gingersnap1111 said:


> Exactly right I am a doormat, no offense taken it is what it is, it's my own fault I let it happen..i started the "no more mr. nice guy this afternoon,i immediately saw myself in the first 3 pages, hard realization!


Well sir, you have some reading to do.

Then the advice from CH's last post.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Did your wife have a job when you were dating? Why isn't she working now?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

gingersnap1111 said:


> But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


Well, yeah, she knows she can toss you a bone and you'll fold. Like you said, she's a manipulator. That's exactly what she did after you called her out. She "niced" you enough for a little while so you'd get out of her face and off her back.


----------



## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

I am not trying to diagnose or anything, but when I read this, it’s screaming “triangulation” to me. She told you about your friend right after your wedding. She wears her ex’s ring in place of yours, and then acts as though you are wrong/ paranoid/ too sensitive when you bring it up. 

Triangulation is intentionally creating the illusion that a person is wanted by several people in order to make them seem more desirable. Knowing it upsets you is likely the reason she does it. It puts her in your mind at all times. It gives her more attention. It keeps you distracted from the fact that you are not getting what you want or deserve because you are too busy thinking someone else will take her away. 

My husbands ex does the same stuff constantly. She is constantly sending ridiculous texts about how much better her new man is than my husband. Like completely unprovoked. Just trying to wave it in front of him. He doesn’t care at all and ignores it, but I can only picture the other guy constantly being compared to DH on his end.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MorningRoll said:


> I am not trying to diagnose or anything, but when I read this, it’s screaming “triangulation” to me. She told you about your friend right after your wedding. She wears her ex’s ring in place of yours, and then acts as though you are wrong/ paranoid/ too sensitive when you bring it up.
> 
> Triangulation is intentionally creating the illusion that a person is wanted by several people in order to make them seem more desirable. Knowing it upsets you is likely the reason she does it. It puts her in your mind at all times. It gives her more attention. It keeps you distracted from the fact that you are not getting what you want or deserve because you are too busy thinking someone else will take her away.
> 
> My husbands ex does the same stuff constantly. She is constantly sending ridiculous texts about how much better her new man is than my husband. Like completely unprovoked. Just trying to wave it in front of him. He doesn’t care at all and ignores it, but I can only picture the other guy constantly being compared to DH on his end.


Interesting. Worth considering.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

gingersnap1111 said:


> But that's the whole point I called her out 2 weeks ago and she's been quite pleasant and 2 days ago I take her out to dinner and she puts on the ring?


*You're *taking her out to dinner and she's wearing another man's ring when you have directly told her that hurts you.

wow.

WOW.

This woman is cruel for fun. She is toxic. I really hope you get her out of your life for your own long term sanity and happiness.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wtaf??? This is not ok, and she knows it! She's not naive, not one bit, she's a disrespectful *****!

I honestly cannot believe the disrespect some people show their spouses, both here on TAM and in real life. If my husband (or myself) has an issue with something, we discuss it together, try to see where the other one is coming from. Neither of us would be willing to lose our marriage over something like that - we're both also reasonable people, so for either of us to have an issue with something, it's a pretty big something.

I would never disrespect my husband this way, he is my best friend, my husband, I love him so much. If I knew I'd done something that had hurt him, it would break my heart.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You really should get some respect for yourself


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It's a good sign that you recognized so fast that you are indeed a "nice guy" when you started reading the book. A lot of guys in your position
go on and on and on defending the nice guy position or just pretty much not "getting it". By reading your post it sounds like your head is screwed on
pretty straight which again gives you some good chance for success. I mostly prescribe dumping her .... 

Anyways....if all else fails you still have a cool beard.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is it a small ring?
i mean, will it easily flush down the toilet?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

gingersnap1111 said:


> Part of the reason it's lasted this long it's because I'm afraid of what's going to happen to her and my daughter and now my grandson once I leave she doesn't work. My daughter and grandson still live at the house


 Ginersnap, you have every excuse in the book to stay exactly where you want to stay, don't you? Does your daughter just expect YOU to support her and her baby for the rest of their lives? Where's the father of her kid or is she just letting him off the hook and expecting YOU to pay for her irresponsibility in having a child when she should have been in college getting an education? This type of enabling on your part will teach her NOTHING about being a responsible adult - she'll just end up being like her mother, looking at you as her ATM. 

Time for your wife to become part of the working class and get out and get a job and earn her own money. Maybe she'll have less time to obsess about her ex if she's actually being a productive human being. And then you won't be able to use this excuse to stay with someone who can't show you the respect most of us show the common stranger on the street. 



jlg07 said:


> Yeah, she is testing how firm you are going to be by wearing that ring.
> I'd just tell her flat out she needs to get rid of IT or you.


I don't believe this hateful woman is 'testing' anyone. She doesn't NEED to test the OP. She knows he'll fold like a deck of cards* every single time*. No testing needed.

She simply just doesn't *give a rat's ass* about the OP and hasn't for a long time. But it BENEFITS her financially to have him support her, her daughter, and her daughter's kid so she sticks around. 

You're an ATM to her, your daughter, and your grandson, Gingersnap.

You need to aim a little higher than just settling for that. :frown2:


----------



## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

It sounds like she may be a cluster B personality. I had similar issues with my ex. I'm a nice guy caretaker. You need to figure out what you want. You stay in this relatiinship you will need help. She has already diminished you. Nice guys are afraid our needs will make people abadon us. She already has abdanoned you emotionally and spiritually.. If you want to make this work, read: Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcasist. These people are void of empathy and always do things for themselves. If youre done and you need help processing I had to read these....

*psychopath free (great book, helps you rationalize what happened.)

*12 simple rules by Jordan Peterson (if you're a nice guy this book will help you get back to the foundation.)

*no more mr.nice guy. (Was a ton of bricks)

*stop caretaking the borderline and naracsisst. (If I knew about this book years ago, I would have been prepared)

*Not just friends 

These relationships poison empathetic people. The biggest issue with toxic relationships Is that you become toxic yourself to survive. Best of luck man! If you guys split she's already ready to start dating, chances are it will take you some time. Worry about you.


----------

