# Separated, but still living together



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

So I finally had the conversation with my H about wanting to end things in our relationship. We actually had a good conversation and we were both able to be honest about our past, present, and future. 
He was obviously upset, and emotional, but in the end he said, "I just want you to be happy" I thanked him for his understanding and kindness.

We own our home, money is tight, we have 2 young kids, our house is under renovations, and he's currently looking for work.

Now, I let the conversation marinate a little bit with him, and than started bringing up the actually "how will this go" conversations. We have a couple ideas as to how the split will work, so the kids are effected in the least.. the problem is, every time I try to bring up the conversation, he gets emotional. He tries to pretend he's fine, but he cries, and is upset. I'm trying to be kind and supportive; after all, I still care for him as a person, and father of my children (he's a wonderful father); I just can't continue a romantic relationship with him.

He can't afford to live outside the home until he gets a job, and I can't afford to pay for the house AND an apartment (or else I would)
We cant sell the house in the state that it's in. I have an appointment with the bank of Friday to ask for some help with the renovations.

Living together is weird for me, so after the kids are in bed, I've been going for drives, or visiting friends. This upsets him and says, "You can't even be in the same room as me" ... it's not that, I just find myself wanting time to myself, to process all this, and to prepare myself for the road ahead. 

He's emotional, and is triggered easily. I know the best thing to do is to move out and let each other move on.. but it's proving to be difficult, financially.

I HATE seeing him so sad.. its heartbreaking that I'm breaking his heart. 
A part of me just wants to say I'll stay so that he stops seeming so helpless. But, I know that I can't go on with how things have been. He always says he understands why I'm leaving, but his kindness is making me feel even worse about it all.  It would almost be easier if he were angry and rude..

We are both trying to do what's best for the kids; we parent very well together, and want to do this 50/50.

I don't know how to cope with his sadness, and my guilt.. I feel so terrible, but I just want to move on.

Is my trying to be nice, making things worse? Should I just cut the chord?? How do I do that with no extra income?

I hope he finds work soon. sigh.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Cut the cord. Be a good person, but not his support person. Your marriage is over and he needs to detach from you. He needs to find his own way through this. It sucks, but there it is.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

Yep, heard that.

No background info but are you a walk away wife?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

philreag said:


> "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
> 
> Yep, heard that.
> 
> No background info but are you a walk away wife?


If it helps answer your question, here's her thread with the background info.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...9881-when-do-i-stop-fighting-my-marriage.html


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I've heard that term on this site before... what is a "walk away wife" exactly?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

flyhigher said:


> I've heard that term on this site before... what is a "walk away wife" exactly?


It's basically when a woman emotionally checks out of her marriage without making her needs crystal clear or trying to fix the problem(s) that lead her to detach.

In short, not you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd urge you to put a time limit on this. Your hb is not going to be motivated to get a job. .... you are his meal ticket. 

Once that's gone he has to fend for himself. If he was motivated to work he wouldn't be bailing on interviews and lying about sending out resumes.

He's lazy, and the longer you put up with this the more he can try for spousal support. 

Do not let his pity party manipulate you. He's interested in a mother, not a wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Haha; thank you MJJEAN. I've really made sure I've been clear and communicative.

It's hard because of his history with depression and anxiety, I know this change is that much harder for him. I don't want to leave him high and dry.. but at the same time, I need my own peace.
It hurts me to think of him hurting... but I don't miss him when he's gone. Things are always easier (and more fun) when he's not present. Almost like a weight is lifted.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He does not WANT to find a job.

Why? If he does then he knows he is out.

The only thing keeping YOU together is the fact that you two CANNOT afford to separate/divorce and have two places to pay for. 

Those are your words. Those words are his last-ditch-effort to keep himself from being ejected out into the wilderness.

Cut him loose. Tell him that he has 30 days to get a job and move out. Can he move in with friends or family?

Tough love for a deflated man. He needs to self inflate.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

flyhigher said:


> Haha; thank you MJJEAN. I've really made sure I've been clear and communicative.
> 
> It's hard because of his history with depression and anxiety, I know this change is that much harder for him. I don't want to leave him high and dry.. but at the same time, I need my own peace.
> It hurts me to think of him hurting... but I don't miss him when he's gone. Things are always easier (and more fun) when he's not present. Almost like a weight is lifted.


My ex was a freaking nightmare and was, not surprisingly, diagnosed with depression and anxiety after the divorce. He even sought treatment for a while. Wanna guess what he's doing now, 16 years later? THE SAME DAMN THINGS!

He's still not working steadily with a history of many short term jobs and long stretches of unemployment. He's still living in filth and playing video games. He's still, at 43 years old, living off a combination of his mother and the state because he never got his sh!t straight. His credit is shot. His health is slowly declining because he has diabetes and is too in a funk to properly care for himself. He still drinks and gets high on weed to self medicate.

He's gotten so bad he and his new wife lost custody of their kids for unsanitary living conditions and neglect twice last year and still do not have them back.

My mother and grandmother were diagnosed manic depressive. My sister is also manic depressive with anxiety. I have some close friends who are also depressives. The pattern I have most observed is temporary improvement followed by reversion. Few that I personally know have been able to make permanent change. For that to happen, the person with the illness must want it to happen. A great amount of will and perseverance is required to deal with med trial and error, therapy, and making changes to day to day lifestyle. Not everyone has that will. And it's not something you can do for him.

Besides, you doing for him is actually not a good thing. Why should he make positive changes like be employed and financially responsible when he doesn't absolutely have to? Your enabling is handicapping him. Your kindness is really cruelty. You being there is making and keeping him in a helpless state when he needs to be taking action and getting his life straight. You leaving may be the best thing for him. 

I remember living with exH and feeling like I couldn't ever relax. I always had to basically supervise him like you would expect to loosely supervise a teenager. I had to either do everything or MAKE him do it. If I asked him to put in a job application, I'd better go with him or he'd just phuck off somewhere. If I wanted him to go to work, I had to drive him there and drop him off or he might just go phuck off somewhere.

It was like having a toddler who could do adult level damage to your life or something.

Everything was smoother and more relaxed when he wasn't around. I was always happier either when he wasn't there or when I had enough friends over to distract me from him being there.

You know how you feel that a weight is lifted when he's not there? Imagine feeling that all the time. Without the dark cloud of him returning soon hanging over you, no less!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the problem with trying to be supportive while at the same time expand your wings towards independence is that neither really occurs, i concur with Jean. the only way to ripe off a bandaid is to do it quickly, yeah its going to hurt but its better then prolonging it. the sooner he finds that he can not count on you the sooner he has to realize that he must count on himself. And if he doesn't then that can not be your problem you have your kids to worry about, i write this not to be mean but to make you realize that he will milk it to the very end otherwise.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> Haha; thank you MJJEAN. I've really made sure I've been clear and communicative.
> 
> It's hard because of his history with depression and anxiety, I know this change is that much harder for him. I don't want to leave him high and dry.. but at the same time, I need my own peace.
> It hurts me to think of him hurting... but I don't miss him when he's gone. Things are always easier (and more fun) when he's not present. Almost like a weight is lifted.


You are dead on describing my ex husband of 20 years. I know exactly how you feel. He has to find another confidant besides you. Mine still hasn't. It's been 3+ years.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I had to leave the house and start my new life. I couldn't imagine going through a divorce while living under the same roof. If you can't do it financially, then how are you going to do it after the divorce papers are signed?

In my state, I needed to be separated 90 days and living at a different address before the divorce could be finalized.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you so much for all your replies.

The reason this has been dragging on is because I truly don't want to see him in a bad place. I've seen his dark mindset and I don't want to ever see it again, especially in a situation where my kids are there without me (visiting him or whatever); that is one of my biggest fears. He would never hurt them, but he wouldn't notice the negative vibe that they would easily pick up on. I like to think he would pull it together for them, but I don't know that for sure.

I'm trying to control it all... which, my therapist is STILL trying to help me let go of that need to control. I can't control him, or his reaction to all this. SO thank you for that reminder. I have to let go.. and just trust that things will turn out okay...

To answer your question, GuyInColorado, I am working full time and support my house as of now; I'm confident I can support myself and my kids without him, but he can't support himself at this point in time because he's not working. He had an interview on Wednesday, which he says went well.

I think my next move is to go stay with my dad, and once the renovations are done on the house (hopefully soon!!), sell it and split the money.

He says he'll get a job and move out, but I just don't see that happening anytime soon; and I think you're all right, he's going to milk this for as long as he can.

I hate this stage of the separation. This is brutally hard!!!! Sigh! I hope it's worth it in the end! It must be.. I can't imagine regretting it.

-S


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

An alternate though counterintuitive way to look at this is that by not doing what needs to be done you are in a way being selfish. 

I know that's a weird stance and some will disagree with it, but as others have said you are enabling him by propping him up, thus removing whatever small chance their is for him to get himself together. 

You're doing this because you feel bad and you don't want to hurt seeing him struggle. That is actually about you, thus the selfish part.

It's like telling your kid no when you know they're struggling. It sometimes has to be done but some parents won't do it because THEY feel bad, so their need to not feel bad trumps what their kid needs for his well being. 

Think about it. Don't let your need to not feel bad get in the way of his need to stand on his own two feet, which he won't do with an enabler.

Doing what needs to be done doesn't always feel good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I actually really love that perspective... kick my ass to a proper mentality.

Thank you!!


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

I just posted on your other thread, and then searched your back posts and found this thread.

You can hope that the split will go as smoothly as you've presented it here, but odds are he's going to ultimately put up a fight when he realizes there's no fixing things, especially if his mom gets in his ear.

Given that you are the breadwinner and he's the stay at home parent, there's a good chance you'll end up leaving, he'll stay in the marital home and care for the kids while you pay him spousal and child support for years to come.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Mclane said:


> I just posted on your other thread, and then searched your back posts and found this thread.
> 
> You can hope that the split will go as smoothly as you've presented it here, but odds are he's going to ultimately put up a fight when he realizes there's no fixing things, especially if his mom gets in his ear.
> 
> Given that you are the breadwinner and he's the stay at home parent, there's a good chance you'll end up leaving, he'll stay in the marital home and care for the kids while you pay him spousal and child support for years to come.


Omg.. that scares the sh!t out of me..


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

Usually the mom gets custody and use of the home.

But not always. The courts look at the status quo. If husband is not working then there could be a problem.

That's what attorneys are for.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Flyhigher, 

I really feel sorry for your predicament.

Your H has some SERIOUS issues....and for some reason (which I get you don't know either) seems to be terrified of actually getting therapy or help of any kind to deal with.

Whatever it is that he is hiding from.....YOU have done everything possible to try to help him and save your M.

He is incapable of doing what he has to....whatever demons/issues he has in his past, they are in control.

You can't help someone who refuses to be helped.

It's good for you that you have decided to finally free yourself......and a testament to your great morals and character that you are doing it in the best, kindest, and most honorable way possible.

Thank goodness that you didn't choose the foolish path of finding an AP for a 'soft' landing......we see too many of those stories on TAM.

Good luck....and keep your spirits up.

This is going to be a painful and difficult process given all of your H's issues.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Dyokemm said:


> Flyhigher,
> 
> I really feel sorry for your predicament.
> 
> ...


Thank you, so much, for your kind words!!


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Given that you are the breadwinner and he's the stay at home parent, there's a good chance you'll end up leaving, he'll stay in the marital home and care for the kids while you pay him spousal and child support for years to come.


This is actually very likely if he's a SAHD(same as for a SAHM). To make him leave you'd need to file and motion for exclusive use of the marital home. A Judge will evaluate it and if it comes out that your husband isn't working and is a SAHD(same as for a SAHM), you'll likely get 30 days to relocate by the Judge. You'll probably get a 30 day temp Custody Order at 50/50 overnights with the children. Temp Spousal and Child Support awarded to your husband until the divorce is final.

Then again... As a SAHD(same as for a SAHM), if he shows that he's the primary caregiver it's actually plausible that you'd be awarded every other weekend and a few weeks vacation in the summer with alternating vacations/holidays through the school year(same as a working father).

You could go after imputed income during the filing to use as a figure against your income so that his side doesn't show $0. Imputed income is a guestimated figure of potential income that the court and lawyers would sort out. Starts out at minimum wage times the hours your jurisdiction would allow for. Add a degree you tack on a percentage or factor a percentage of the market income in your area for that degree/field.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP living together while "separated" creates all sorts of problems. Most times one spouse is not completely on the same page and living together becomes unbearable. Also, have you taken
the time to think about your kids. You and your stbxh are separated but your kids still see you as a family. I really hope you have not told them about your separation because if you did the you and your
husband are very selfish. From your husband's point of view his biggest fear is probably the unknown and how his children are going to deal with this. You said he is an amazing father and he stayed home with them
so it's understandable that he would be utterly destroyed at the thought of him not being able to do that anymore. Your children will be equally devastated. Have you figured out how you are going to deal with this. Remember, when you chose to end a marriage you are not just ending the romantic relationship with you and your spouse, you are also destroying a family. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's necessary but divorce
is very rarely a pleasant experience. Lastly, and I say this as somebody whose own marriage is on the rocks, before you serve him with papers you should do a little exercise. Take a pen and paper or even post it in this thread and write out how you think your husband felt about you as a wife over the years. How do you think he viewed you as a partner? Once you do this and if you are still wanting to leave then you need to move out.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

niceguy28 said:


> OP living together while "separated" creates all sorts of problems. Most times one spouse is not completely on the same page and living together becomes unbearable. Also, have you taken
> the time to think about your kids. You and your stbxh are separated but your kids still see you as a family. I really hope you have not told them about your separation because if you did the you and your
> husband are very selfish. From your husband's point of view his biggest fear is probably the unknown and how his children are going to deal with this. You said he is an amazing father and he stayed home with them
> so it's understandable that he would be utterly destroyed at the thought of him not being able to do that anymore. Your children will be equally devastated. Have you figured out how you are going to deal with this. Remember, when you chose to end a marriage you are not just ending the romantic relationship with you and your spouse, you are also destroying a family. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's necessary but divorce
> is very rarely a pleasant experience. Lastly, and I say this as somebody whose own marriage is on the rocks, before you serve him with papers you should do a little exercise. Take a pen and paper or even post it in this thread and write out how you think your husband felt about you as a wife over the years. How do you think he viewed you as a partner? Once you do this and if you are still wanting to leave then you need to move out.


Hi niceguy28...
Your post came at the right time; because I'm learning that you're very right.
To answer your questions, no, we haven't told the kids anything that's happening yet. They are so young, there's no way they will even understand the idea of "separating"; they are only 2 & 3. So until they SEE and EXPERIENCE it, they won't understand.
My H is very scared about how they will take it; as am I. I'm a child of divorce, my parents divorced; and my father divorced a second time, so I guess it's not as much of a shocking idea to me. However, my H's parents have been together forever until his father passed away 3 years ago. I do understand that I"m a little more.. "used to it", for lack of a better term; so I'm trying to be kind and compassionate throughout the whole mess.
We have had many discussions about everything; and we've decided that once we sell the house, we will still be living in the same town so that we can both be around for the kids. Everything's not planned out perfectly, yet, but the conversation's been started, and we've both been clear that we want each other to be around for the kids as much as possible; as in, I'm not going to try to limit their visits to every other weekend or something like that. I would be devastated with that limitation on my children, and so I don't want that strain to be put on them OR him.
Even though I'm a child of divorce, myself, I still had very strong relationships with both of my parents, and still do; and I respect and understand the importance of having active parents from BOTH sides.

What I'm learning this past week or two, is that living together while separated is not going to work much longer. I think that my stbxh is thinking that because I"m still living there, that things are going to remain the same. I obviously can't tell what he's thinking, but it's almost like I have to keep reminding him that we're no longer a couple; which is brutal; for BOTH of us.
Having that "talk" over and over again is just a nightmare. And it's totally unfair to both of us.. I"m trying to be nice, but I can see now how it's just torture in the end. I was wrong to try it this way, I think.
I am not perfect, I'll be the first to admit.

To be honest, I"m not really sure what to do from here. I know I don't want to be with him forever, but my heart breaks for my kids, and neither of us really have anywhere to go until the end of September; which 2 more months of this nonsense.

As for how he has seen me as a wife.. that's a fair question. He and I have talked about this before.. but it's hard to get a straight answer out of him because he doesn't like talking about problems.. or even admitting that there's anything wrong. To him, everything's always "fine", I'm fine, our marriage is fine, and life is fine. Even when I KNOW it's not.

But if I had to guess, I would think that he would say I'm flighty, go out too much, and make quick, rash decisions. I say this because these are where most of our arguments come from.

For example: Going out too much. Usually, when I go out, my kids are with me. It's not like I leave to go party every weekend. I have a lot of friends with kids the same age as mine. And we like to do things with them, like parks, and splash pads, and camping, and just visiting each other. He doesn't really like my friends too much. His anxieties make him unsocial and awkward; whereas my friends and their husbands(friends I've had since childhood) are more outgoing and silly, and so he gets uncomfortable, they are uncomfortable around him; and it's an odd pairing.
Yes, I also hang out with them without the kids. Maybe once every month, I'll take a Saturday night and go have some drinks with them. I used to bring H, but he would be uncomfortable and awkward, and to be honest, I would get embarrassed; so eventually he stopped coming.. So instead of a babysitter, he'd stay home with the kids.
My H is a HOMEBODY. He would stay inside all the time if he had a choice. So, my social needs bother him. When things were really bad, I would go out more often than that, to have coffee with girlfriends and sometimes even just drive around to clear my head. I'd always wait until the kids were in bed, so as to not disturb the home routine.
Reading other posts on TAM, I've thought before, "wow, I wonder if H thinks I'M cheating on him" because, even though I'm definately not, I do show some of those "red flags".. I hide my phone because I have emails to realtors and financial advisors; I have txt convos with girl friends about my frustrations. Those things would hurt him.
I go out and drive around, not really going anywhere, because driving and listening to music and thinking is therapeutic to me. 

I think he would say I"m flighty and make rash decisions because I'm a dreamer. I like traveling. I have friends all over the province and I like going on adventures. It would be exciting for me to take a weekend and drive 8 hours to visit a friend for one night, just to turn around and drive home. He thinks that's unplanned and a waste of time. He's a planner, and he needs to know what to expect all the time.
When we started dating; we had planned a trip to the city (our first trip together).. he was planning the events and I was planning the hotel.
He had everything planned to the time of day; and I hadn't done any planning on the hotel. My thoughts were, "we'll just find a cheap motel and crash there. no big deal. we'll see where the day takes us"
This made him upset and we had our first real fight. He couldn't understand why i hadn't booked a room in advance.

No one was really WRONG. Just a different way to look at things.. I've tried to change, but I just ended up missing my fun, adventuring self.. and resenting him for not loving that part of me. I felt like a piece of me was dying away over the years.

I think in the end, we're just really different people. And as much as we like and respect each other, we're just not a good match. We don't like doing the same things.. we look at life differently.
He doesn't want to split, because he doesnt like change, and he doesn't like being alone.. but I think if he were to look at the facts, he would agree that we're too different. One of us WILL have to compromise ourselves to be together; and it won't be him because his anxieties and depression make it too difficult.

If he had his way, I think, the kids and I would stay home all the time with him. We wouldn't go out, we wouldn't visit too many people.. unless it's family, once every few months. 
Some people are okay with that. I know a bunch of people that prefer to stay home; and that's fine, but I don't like that. I like taking my kids out to visit and get involved with dance, or soccer, or karate. I like having friends, and being involved in the community.. and having a social life. 

Anyway, I could go on and on.. I'll stop here.

Thanks for your post.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you and he are very different. The only way those situations work is with constant compromise and having to do that can get very old eventually and there's where resentment comes in -- for both. 

You are a "social butterfly" and he isn't. Speaking as a non-social-butterfly myself  I identify more with him but I totally agree you can't stifle who you are. That's unfair to you. 

Living together while separated is tough. My ex-husband and I did that and it's rarely easy. Or pleasant. Your life will greatly improve once that's over with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> This is actually very likely if he's a SAHD(same as for a SAHM). To make him leave you'd need to file and motion for exclusive use of the marital home. A Judge will evaluate it and if it comes out that your husband isn't working and is a SAHD(same as for a SAHM), you'll likely get 30 days to relocate by the Judge. You'll probably get a 30 day temp Custody Order at 50/50 overnights with the children. Temp Spousal and Child Support awarded to your husband until the divorce is final.
> 
> Then again... As a SAHD(same as for a SAHM), if he shows that he's the primary caregiver it's actually plausible that you'd be awarded every other weekend and a few weeks vacation in the summer with alternating vacations/holidays through the school year(same as a working father).
> 
> You could go after imputed income during the filing to use as a figure against your income so that his side doesn't show $0. Imputed income is a guestimated figure of potential income that the court and lawyers would sort out. Starts out at minimum wage times the hours your jurisdiction would allow for. Add a degree you tack on a percentage or factor a percentage of the market income in your area for that degree/field.



I don't think this applies here and strikes me as a projection of what p!sses a lot of guys off about sahm's. 

This guy isn't a sahd in that sense. He's just a guy who lost his job some months ago and has lied about looking for another one, and doesn't take care of the kids either. He lays around playing video games and lets her handle everything. He's not a SAHD in the sense of taking care of the kids and running the household while she works.

But of she puts this off and he refuses to get a job she could find herself paying alimony. .... that's why it's so important she get out now. 

It's not hard to show a judge that he's more recently unemployed and just refuses to get a job. But the longer she waits the harder it'll be to argue that he can just up and get a job. 

It's not a SAHD type situation. It's a lazy bum type situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> Hi niceguy28...
> Your post came at the right time; because I'm learning that you're very right.
> To answer your questions, no, we haven't told the kids anything that's happening yet. They are so young, there's no way they will even understand the idea of "separating"; they are only 2 & 3. So until they SEE and EXPERIENCE it, they won't understand.
> My H is very scared about how they will take it; as am I. I'm a child of divorce, my parents divorced; and my father divorced a second time, so I guess it's not as much of a shocking idea to me. However, my H's parents have been together forever until his father passed away 3 years ago. I do understand that I"m a little more.. "used to it", for lack of a better term; so I'm trying to be kind and compassionate throughout the whole mess.
> ...


OP the bolded portion says a lot about how you view your marriage. You made vows to him for better or for worse which means that you have to compromise some things. I can see where you are coming from but as somebody who isn't awkward and has no problem hanging out some of the stuff you do I would have a big problem with as well as would a lot of people. Trust me when I tell you this. When you move on the next man you find will have a serious problem with some of the stuff you do and if he doesn't I guarantee you he will be deficient in some other way. You cannot have a marriage where two people are "flighty." It may sound fun but your life would eventually end up in ruin because nothing would get done. I'm not really a planner and am a big procrastinator but I'm far from socially awkward, relatively attractive, and don't mind going out. I also give my wife plenty of freedom to go out as she pleases. My wife would probably kill for a man that was more of a planner. My point is that nobody is going to meet all of your needs and in order to be successful you have to try and meet your spouse in the middle. The hiding phone stuff is not cool OP and you doing that is probably contributing to some of your problems. At the end of the day it seems that you two are just totally different but he has probably always been that way so why did you marry him in the first place? Don't take this as an attack on you because I'm sure you are a good person and the fact that you are on here seeking advice shows a lot of maturity.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I don't really have advice as I'm in the same boat and it's only been a week or so. She also recently lost her job and is looking. She's now sleeping in the spare bedroom, and has told me a lawyer will be sending me a proposed separation agreement. It's just mostly uncomfortable and I'd like a quick path to resolution, but I don't think there is one. 

The uncertainty around housing, custody and money are troubling, so, chin up I guess.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

niceguy28 said:


> At the end of the day it seems that you two are just totally different but he has probably always been that way so why did you marry him in the first place?


I've been asking myself the same thing a lot lately. Thinking, if I could remember WHY I married him, maybe I can find something there to hang on to.

First of all, we got pregnant before we were married. We met in college, dated for about a year, and found out we were pregnant. It's not like it was totally out of nowhere; we were living together and already had the serious relationship; getting married one day talks; so it's not like the baby was a terrible surprise. She was an accident, but a happy one.

When I met him, we were both in college, like I said. We both were in school for Child and Youth work, and he was the best in our program. He was smart and funny and confident in his work. He had a natural ability to read a child and get to the core of their issues; he was every kid's favourite worker. Hence, why he's so good with MY kids. Kids just LOVE this guy. He was silly and fun and played on the floor with them. To people that dedicate their lives to helping children, that quality was pretty attractive to me.
He helped me get better at my schooling, and my job. We had many discussions over the mind and psychology of children; my mind stretched when I was with him. I learned things and grew.

When we were dating, he was much more open about his depression and anxieties too. We would talk and cry and laugh together about it. He used to tell me that he felt the depression had gotten to him because all of his life he'd wanted a family and children and a house, but it just never happened for him (he was in his mid 30s when we met) and I guess, I wanted to make those things happen for him.

It sounds weird and a bit crazy, but back than, I really thought I could love his depression away.

I learned after 2 babies and 5 years together that that's not possible. It was only later in my pregnancy that I saw his "real" depression.. and how he would stay in the dark for days at a time, not talking or seeing anyone; including me. At the time, I chalked it up to "new parent" nerves.. When the baby was born, he "snapped" out of it and things were good again for a bit, we got engaged, got married quickly, bought a home, and got pregnant with second baby.. all within our daughter's first year.

We moved FAST.. I was young, and he wanted to "catch up" to where he thought his should be in life.

We both worked outside of the Child and Youth field after that.. but I still have a good job. He doesn't want to work in the field anymore.. even though I try to always talk him into it. He was never too good at the writing part of school.. and his anxiety holds him back from any job where you may have to write a detailed report. It's so sad to me, because he was SO good at working with youth.

Just to let everyone know, too, he did find a job. His first day was today. I have been sure to show support and encouragement around it. We're both happy he's working again. But our issues remain...


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP the depression thing is tough because depression is something that doesn't just go away. Him finding a job might help him get some of his self-esteem back which will be a good thing for him. As for you, are you at the point where you are completely indifferent towards him or are you angry and plain fed up. If after your divorce he quickly remarries would you be ok with that? As for your issues, of course they won't go away overnight or even ever but him getting a job is a complete game changer for you all. It would be interesting to see how much of a difference this makes.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I just wanted to give a bit of an update...

Since H has been working, things have a been a bit better. He seems a bit more motivated now and actually talks to me about his day and the new people he's meeting; which is wonderful. Another piece that has come together is the kitchen; I don't know if I mentioned anywhere that our kitchen was under heavy construction for about 6 months! Half way through, we ran out of money and struggled to get it complete. I ended up taking out a loan and it's in it's final stages of completion now!

Having my kitchen back, and having him a little bit more chipper is definitely better. Niceguy88, you're right about it being a game changer.

Last week, because he had started working suddenly (and I couldn't get daycare sorted out soon enough) our kids spent the week at my mom's house. Fun for them, fun for her, and H and I were able to get some communicating done with no distraction.

My point here is that I was able to get very honest with him. We went for a drive one night and ended up driving and talking for hours.. I really felt like he was LISTENING and appreciating the conversation. He had just looked at an apartment the night before and was going to take it. We discussed everything and in the end, I said, "there is so much we need to work on; but if we can keep having conversations like this, keep things open and transparent; maybe there's a leg to stand on. We need to start MC, and we need to start making time to connect and talk. No more closed communication and no more lying" He agreed. And that's where we left the conversation.

After that, I started doing my own work; as in I started thinking about the whole idea of, "I am in control of my happiness; force myself into positive thinking, I make my own fate. If I want things to work, they will; if I don't want them to work, they won't"
So I've been trying to make things better at home; I'm skeptical to trust him, but I'm trying to have conversations and find out about his life more. I'm also trying to communicate, which I'm scared is coming across as nagging! ugh! H will wake up in the morning and go right to his computer, so I"ll say something like, "You went right to the computer this morning, that kind of thing makes me feel like you'd rather not be here with me and the kids" .. (please advise if that's the right way to word things?) so he'll whip off his headphones and say, "sorry! sorry! sorry!"... so than I'll say, "when you react that way, too, it makes me feel like you're not really listening, you're just apologizing without knowing what the real problem is" ... THAN i feel like a nag. But I'm trying to communicate. I honestly don't know if I'm doing that right. haha. let me know you're thoughts, there!

Anyway, since that talk, H has been going to bed early; like 8pm, right after the kids are in bed. I stay up till about 10 by myself the past week. I still need to discuss this with him, I wonder if he's scared to "Screw things up" so he's just avoiding it... or if he's really that tired. He wakes up early, and is getting into the work routine; so I know his body is adjusting. I"m trying not to take it personally; but I still wonder. 
We haven't talked really, since that drive, and it's making me wonder where to go from here. I"m still willing to wait things out...

I also just found out that me and my marriage have been the gossip of my friend group; which, I should have expected I guess, but it still hurts. Especially since I've been trying to stay closed lipped about it, and be respectable.. but I was basically told to shut the hell up yesterday about it and to stop being such a baby.. I politely excused myself from the conversation and left. I get that they just don't understand; most of them don't really know the depths of his depression and anxiety.. 

I'm feeling as though my support system is falling.. it's like they want me to sh!t or get off the pot. I understand how it can be frustrating, as a friend, to see me go back and forth like this.. but this is my marriage and father of my children. I DID make vows to him, and I'd love to be able to come out on the other side of this, happier than ever! None of my friends are married; they are all in long term serious relationships, but none are actually married. 
I wish I had more people in my life that could give me real marriage advice. I want to know if the fight will be worth it; or if I"m just going to waste my time. I know there's no real way to know that.. but I wish there was.

My H will be starting afternoons soon at his job, which means, we'll only see each other sleeping, and on weekends. He drops kids off at daycare, I'll pick them up. I don't know if this will be good, or bad for our relationship..

I'm just venting.. I'm open to honest advice or comments. I know I'm probably coming off crazy; and sometimes I think I am. HA! I don't think my constant back n forth is healthy. But I sincerely talk myself in and out of it all the time. I was 150% ready to leave him a month ago... and today, I'm wondering if things could change for us. I"m skeptical... hes made false promises before, and I want to believe him, so I do.

We haven't even talked about his depression treatment yet; that'll be a WHOLE other ball game. Ugh.. I'm confused and sad and wanting so bad to believe things could work out... My therapist has been on vacation for 2 weeks; and my next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks... that can't come soon enough! lol


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ride it out for a few weeks and see how it goes. If he is still showing willingness to work and improve in say, six weeks from now, you may have something you can actually build on. If it all goes back to the old status quo by then, then you'll know it was all simply lip service.


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