# Wife selfish, controlling and bullying behavior



## justaguy2 (Apr 14, 2011)

Hi all. Thanks in advance for the advice. I'm feeling kind of stuck, and not really sure who to turn to or if I’m making more of a big deal out of this than I should.

I’m 33 years old, I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife is 29. The last year hasn’t been the best – it’s been ok, but with some pretty low lows you can have I’d say outside of infidelity, which thankfully isn’t an issue here.

I can’t say whether or not I really noticed her controlling/selfish behavior before we were married. We didn’t end up moving in together until right around the time of our wedding, so I’m not sure if the fact we weren’t co-habituating before had anything to do with that. But, I definitely notice it now. We had one blowout fight a couple of months ago where I told her off about an accumulation of things that were bothering me – and things have improved some, but some still remain.

This isn’t really an issue for most things, which I don’t know whether is good or bad as it makes me more willing to turn the other cheek and deal with it – until a point where things just boil over, as has happened a couple of times. Some of her triggers are dining out, travel (big one), and her backseat driving. There are others that usually revolve around planning things, but no real pattern there. If I want to go hang out with my friends or do something on my own, there’s usually never a problem with that.

Traveling with her is one situation that gives me the most anxiety, as most of our trips are big and involve flying overseas. I like sightseeing, but I’m more of a park it on the beach and relax kind of guy (but those kinds of trips never seem to happen anymore). Her idea of vacationing is a packed schedule of sightseeing, and if there’s a bump in her schedule, she is PISSED. It literally ruins her day, and I’m left trying to make her feel better about it. Our last trip was to Italy with some friends and my sister, and we had such a bad fight, that I thought it was going to end in divorce. It was also incredibly embarrassing. It was partially over what I just described, partially over her excessive drinking. (That’s a whole other ball of wax but something we’ve been to therapy for and she’s got under control now – so far so good.)

Our previous trip was to Ireland, which wasn’t so bad because her family came with us. I sat in 3rd seat of the SUV and let father deal with her yell at him over which way to navigate. We have another trip planned to the middle east and Africa to do so some sightseeing and a safari this November. Thankfully, her parents have decided to join us again – she’s easier to manage with others around, and if 2-3 of us want to deviate from her plan, it’s harder for her to get angry at everyone instead of just me. Pathetic I need to think this way, right? Even on our honeymoon, there was an issue with our tickets and them not letting us board which sent her into complete hysterics. Had I not kept my composure and worked with the airline, we might have not have caught another flight for a couple of days.

Other things usually surround dining out or planning things together when we go out. She does a food blog with her friend, so she’s really into trying as many different foods as possible to write about but also for her enjoyment. So, we’ll often split dishes, or I’ll get “helpful tips” of what to order (though not as much of that since I confronted her about it)

Last night we went to this new fancy restaurant with another married couple. I came back from the bathroom to find her waiting to eat the salad we were supposed to split. Anyway, I made the fatal mistake of spearing a bite with a piece of ham, not realizing that was the only piece in there, to which she angrily shrieked after I had already started chewing. The wife of the couple I was with nervously offered a piece ham from hers, but my wife declined. I confronted her about it this morning for making me feel like a jerk in front of her friends instead of maybe letting it go, but she went on to blame me for my getting angry about it and “making everyone else feel uncomfortable” for my reaction. Unbelievable.

Sometimes she’ll literally worry and complain for hours and get angry at herself if she regrets that the dish she ordered (or if she’s worrying about what dish to order). It’s really bizarre. I’ve confronted her about it before, and if she still has these issues, she mostly keeps them to herself. Still, I know it weirdly bothers her. She’s at least acknowledged her weird obsession/compulsion about food – I reminded her about that this morning.

She is always happy to lend me helpful driving advice, whether or not I want it – sometimes she’ll even yell it at me. I never critique her driving.

So, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m being too sensitive and this is supposed to come with the territory of being married, but it just doesn’t seem like things shouldn’t be this difficult. Maybe I just need to start asserting myself more, which really sucks, since I guess that means I have to go to the mat over things where I only have a mild preference, otherwise I’ll just continue to get rolled.

Thanks again for listening and any advice. I already feel a little better in writing this all down.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

justaguy2 said:


> Maybe I’m being too sensitive and this is supposed to come with the territory of being married, but it just doesn’t seem like things shouldn’t be this difficult.


Um...no, you're not being overly sensitive. This type of controlling behavior is WAAAAAY over the top. I personally can't stand to be around people like this. 

Part of the problem is, she's young; in her mind, things like splitting a piece of ham on a salad are EXTREMELY important. When you get older and you've had a chance to experience real-life problems, ridiculous, petty things like this don't even register. I was a lot more controlling when I was younger. Then I had a series of devastating life events occur, one being my daughter's diagnosis with leukemia. All that other crap just kind of flew out the window after that. 

But it sounds like your wife is wound even tighter than most. You might want to sit her down and have a serious talk with her about her behavior. She might have some issues with anxiety and need counseling...anxious people tend to be worry-worts and try to control every single aspect of their lives. But control is such an illusion. People who try to micromanage all of the details in life only find that their anxiety intensifies when they realize they can't keep everything and everyone under their thumbs.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is classic AA behavior and it can take a while to get over. After problem drinking ceases the is a lot of emotional cleanup left over. You both need a program to deal with this, especially her with your support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

JaG,
You seem sane and balanced. My W has many of the issues yours does though to a lesser degree. Let me start with the good news - most likely - with the right set of responses you can help her learn to better understand herself, gain a sense of humor about her amplified reactions, and make the effort to manage her external reactions. 

Lets start with some general observations about what I have found works pretty well.
- I empathize with how she feels, but consistently discourage her when she expresses those feelings in an aggressive, unfair or nasty manner. 
- Discouraging starts light and rapidly escalates in severity. But not emotional intensity - the severity is all in consequence. 
- Almost everything is conveyed via very little talk and very clear body language/facial expressions and tone of voice. 
- Back seat driving is addressed via a light comment as I get behind the wheel "Who is actually driving today"? said with a smile. BTW - she drives during the day, but has bad night vision so I drive at night. If she starts to tell me how to drive I just give her a quick look and hold up my hand. Or I say "stop" in a firm but low voice. 
- Humor: Works VERY WELL with my W. Sometimes when she is having "buyers remorse, diners remorse (for ordering something and then changing her mind about what she wanted), sellers remorse, etc. I look at her smiling and say "It must be difficult to be you". I say this with warmth and sincerity. I totally LOVE my W. I don't like seeing her feel bad. But ummm - sometimes it is impossible for her to please HERSELF. So this isn't me saying "YOU are impossible" because she isn't being a jerk. She is just having a quiet anxiety attack. So in these cases she is finding herself to be impossible. And I truly feel bad for her when that happens. And she knows that. It helps her. 
When she is over reacting I quote from "LOST IN TRANSLATION" and say "LESS intensity" or something like that. 

I would guess we have 2-4 "low touch" behavioral interactions in an average week. And because she knows that low touch, rapidly goes to medium and then "high touch" she rarely persists. But medium and high touch is actually done via freeze out. I am not going to yell/scream/get angry at her crazy behavior. How does THAT help. Instead I disengage and deprioritize her needs. I remain friendly and polite, but my normal high level of accommodation of her wants/needs stops. Works like magic. Works so well that I rarely need to do it. 





justaguy2 said:


> Hi all. Thanks in advance for the advice. I'm feeling kind of stuck, and not really sure who to turn to or if I’m making more of a big deal out of this than I should.
> 
> I’m 33 years old, I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife is 29. The last year hasn’t been the best – it’s been ok, but with some pretty low lows you can have I’d say outside of infidelity, which thankfully isn’t an issue here.
> 
> ...


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife had a few of these issues. While driving, she used to yell and screech and tell me how to drive and what to look for. I have a heavy vehicle license and was taught to drive at a very young age and have a near spotless record, other than writing off a car at 22, at 55kmh, when a car pulled out 20ft in front of me, from a blind entryway.... anyway, when she got like this, at first I would get angry myself. I realized it couldn't fix it, so I would pull over and get out of the car, walk around to her side and open the door. "Your turn to drive then." She became the sole driver for about a year, after I eventually just started handing her the keys because it would always end up with her in the driver's seat..... then one day she complained that she "always" drove us....... she has toned it to virtual zero now, and I can drive whenever I like, it just takes a little firm guidance. 

When she triggers, you trigger something that puts the emphasis back on her, but not in a negative way. Put it on her to fix the problem herself. As for your holidays, as a compromise, try agreeing to a day of relaxing, then a day of sightseeing, if a tour is messed up or cancelled, take that day to relax and reschedule for the following day, if she really is willing to work with you on this, and you are easy going and flexible, you can swap and change the day's activities as you see fit.

Meals, order your own dishes, let her sample your's at any time, but you sample her's when she offers..... if she gets wound up by her choice, tell her that blogs need negative as well as positive reviews!

my 2c.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> - Humor: Works VERY WELL with my W. Sometimes when she is having "buyers remorse, diners remorse (for ordering something and then changing her mind about what she wanted), sellers remorse, etc. I look at her smiling and say "It must be difficult to be you".


Wow, my SO and I do this too! Sometimes I'll even say it when I catch myself being particularly whiny or cranky--"My life is just so difficult!" followed by an exaggerated pout. Humor makes so many things easier to deal with.



Myopia, I don't think the issue is that she's young--I'm way younger than the OP's wife and I have much bigger things to worry about, although not nearly as devastating as your experiences. I don't know that age is the issue so much as maturity, which is what you seemed to be getting at in your post. 


To the OP: I really don't think that your wife's behavior is bullying, since you seem to be doing a great job standing up for yourself. Thinking of this behavior as bullying puts you in the position of the victim, which is not a good place to be as that sort of victim mentality can hamper your efforts to keep sticking up for yourself. So I would agree it's really controlling and immature, and I think you're doing a good job of confronting her about your issues. 

I think projecting the feeling that you're on her side--rather than the feeling that you're simply tolerating her childish behavior--will be helpful in getting her to calm down. Kind of like a kid throwing a tantrum, the more the parent sighs and acts exasperated, the more the kid will scream and kick. You need to show her that you're going to work with her, otherwise she's going to flip out even more. Positive reinforcement might be a good idea--if she's ever calm about something, or handles a tough situation well, then show your appreciation.

Last random thing: it seems like you're pretty well off if you can afford to travel or eat out at nice restaurants. The next time you accidentally eat some of her salad, try and order a new one and fix the problem that way  I'd be thrilled if I got two awesome salads lol!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is an excellent example of firm boundaries. 

The suggestion someone made that in the restaurant - you order another salad was perfect. Here is why. 

If she refuses the "extra" salad he needs to detach and just be upbeat and fun and pretend that she is not locked in some childish emotional death spiral from which she REFUSES to be rescued. 

I remember when my W and I first lived together I cut the grass for the first time. Came into the kitchen started downing a glass of ice water as it was very hot outside. She asks me "are you taking a break"? I look at her puzzled "Nope I am finished"? She says "you are"? In a tone that clearly implies I am somehow NOT finished. She tells me her Dad - who BTW was a terrific man in every sense of the word - when HE cut the grass he did a checkerboard pattern. 

To which I replied - the grass is neatly and completely cut. The pattern to which you refer is made by the wheels and lasts a few hours. If you wish to create the pattern have at it. I am not your Dad, and when the grass is cleanly and neatly cut I stop. I don't double the effort to create a giant grass checkerboard. She persisted. I immediately suggested we see a MC and get their opinion. Realizing she was being bat$hit crazy she declined my offer of getting objective third party feedback. 

I still tell people that story at parties. They howl, she rolls her eyes. 

The OP might want to think about MC. For sure his W will not like being outed in counseling. 




Mephisto said:


> My wife had a few of these issues. While driving, she used to yell and screech and tell me how to drive and what to look for. I have a heavy vehicle license and was taught to drive at a very young age and have a near spotless record, other than writing off a car at 22, at 55kmh, when a car pulled out 20ft in front of me, from a blind entryway.... anyway, when she got like this, at first I would get angry myself. I realized it couldn't fix it, so I would pull over and get out of the car, walk around to her side and open the door. "Your turn to drive then." She became the sole driver for about a year, after I eventually just started handing her the keys because it would always end up with her in the driver's seat..... then one day she complained that she "always" drove us....... she has toned it to virtual zero now, and I can drive whenever I like, it just takes a little firm guidance.
> 
> When she triggers, you trigger something that puts the emphasis back on her, but not in a negative way. Put it on her to fix the problem herself. As for your holidays, as a compromise, try agreeing to a day of relaxing, then a day of sightseeing, if a tour is messed up or cancelled, take that day to relax and reschedule for the following day, if she really is willing to work with you on this, and you are easy going and flexible, you can swap and change the day's activities as you see fit.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I want you to rent that movie. I forget who's in it or what it's called but it starts with a a letter of the alphabet. Oh you don't want to? Never mind, loser I'll do it myself......


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

lime said:


> Wow, my SO and I do this too! Sometimes I'll even say it when I catch myself being particularly whiny or cranky--"My life is just so difficult!" followed by an exaggerated pout. Humor makes so many things easier to deal with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lime,

Well said...yes, you are absolutely right! What I was talking about has nothing to do with age and everything to do with maturity. In fact, I've know some people just like the OP's wife who were well into their 50s or 60s...everything has to be their way all the time or they have a temper tantrum. Some people simply never mature, while some people are mature at a very early age (like you, clearly!). After spending many years in hospitals with my daughter and literally watching children die, I can't tell you how disgusted I get when I hear grown up people whine about how difficult their lives are!!! And people who think their lives are so difficult usually complain about petty things. I remember during my daughter's treatment hearing a friend go on and on about how stressful her life was because she couldn't find time to get to the gym! I wanted to smack her! Lime, as you know, once you experience real hardship, it's next to impossible to listen to this crap.

You are also correct about the OPs reaction to his wife. He is NOT a victim in this situation, and there are ways he can respond to her that reinforce her positive behavior and discourage her childish behavior.


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