# I finally got an answer, need help



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know if anyone remembers but my h and I are in MC. He is LD and we fight about frequency and about things like him not wanting to go down anymore. 
He doesn't like it when I masturbate and he hasnt been able to tell me why until our session yesterday when he said that it makes him feel inadequate like I'm going to leave him. 
His ex was a WAW and she was LD but then suddenly wanted to swing and have sex with different people. He had a hard time getting her to O. This makes no sense to me because when he is happy and in the mood he is amazing in bed. 
I know a lot of guys wouldn't be able to relate to that but if you do, what would make you feel more secure in your relationship? 
Our MC asked if he would concede that for now it is ok for me to do it and he sort of said yes. The deal is I never have time to myself, he is always home and I can't even read a book without him coming in to check on me several times. 
She suggested bath tub but I hate that. Honestly I like to read erotica or watch porn and my iPhone isn't waterproof. 

I told him that I have done this for a long time whether I have a partner or not. She told him that I would be a lot less crabby and more happy and I enthusiastically agreed. 
I asked him if there is anything I can do to help him
and he said no.

Also she said that we fight in different ways. I tend to fight and then it's over. She said he takes everything very seriously and it makes him feel worse. I guess I don't really enjoy fighting but I think it's odd to expect that it's never going to happen. 
Any insights?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

May be way off base but have you asked him about whether he wants to participate in some of youe "sessions" or is he too closed minded for that?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Too close minded, we have talked about that too. Thankfully the MC is a sex therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's hard to be intimate with someone you believe is going to leave you. And yet the irony is he's behaving in such a way to ensure that you do.

I'm not sure you can fix this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I know. Sometimes I think we got married too quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I realize that he doesn't want to participate, but one thing I heard was to ask if you could hold his penis while you masturbate. It may help him become more involved right then and there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I know. Sometimes I think we got married too quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It does sound like he wasn't ready for a relationship. His wounds haven't healed.

One thing you can do is stop fighing with him. My husband hates to fight so I don't do it. I just quit. We talk yes. Discuss sure. But fight. Nope he hates it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't think either of us realized how badly he was hurt. And he had been in counseling on his own for it and he thought he had made good progress. 
The problem with fighting is that it usually happens when I initiate and he rejects me. Then I feel like "wtf, it's been a week, he's been flirty all day, why doesnt he want me" and then he sees that I'm
upset and he gets mad. 
And I get mad that he's mad. It's stupid. MC said we need to find a way for me to not feel rejected and I told her that I'm just not initiating anymore. She seemed ok with it. 
She said that we need to be more affectionate outside the sexual realm which I agree with. It's just hard to do that when you feel like a high school student with a crush on someone who just wants to be friends, it's sad.
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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

First of all, I think it's great that you are going to MC and even better that the MC has sex therapy credentials, this is what I always recommend to people, having been through the process myself. It seems like most marital problems either boil down to sex, or sexual problems play some sort of role.

My wife recently had something of a sexual awakening, and she began to masturbate for the first time in her life. I suspect she was actually doing it for a while before admitting it to me. Personally, I think it's great, she is in a better mood afterwards, it keeps her sex drive geared up, and I believe there are other health benefits.

It did take a bit of getting used to on my end (married 24 years, known each other for over 30), since she never did this before, and was actually morally opposed to it. I told her that at some point I'd like to watch, but she isn't comfortable with that. She usually does it with the tub faucet, but she also occasionally uses a vibrator.

I do think it's a bit odd that she won't let me watch, she has been watching me pull my own pud for decades, I don't think it's a big deal.

Neither the masturbation or the vibrator use (despite the fact that the vibrator is much more efficient than I am, and also significantly larger) are a problem/threat for me, as long as it's not a substitute for regular sexual intimacy between us. We will sometimes use the vibe together, and that's cool.

I would advise that you continue to work through this with your husband withing the framework of your MC/ST sessions, I think if he keeps talking, there is bound to be some kind of breakthrough on this. I think the angst over your masturbation and his unwillingness to preform oral on you, etc., can be overcome if he has any interest in improving the marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I don't think either of us realized how badly he was hurt. And he had been in counseling on his own for it and he thought he had made good progress.
> The problem with fighting is that it usually happens when I initiate and he rejects me. Then I feel like "wtf, it's been a week, he's been flirty all day, why doesnt he want me" and then he sees that I'm
> upset and he gets mad.
> And I get mad that he's mad. It's stupid. MC said we need to find a way for me to not feel rejected and I told her that I'm just not initiating anymore. She seemed ok with it.
> ...


Uh Oh. Sounds like the path I'm going down. I haven't intiated anything in something like 3 weeks and you know what's happened? Yep. Nada. Zip.

Actually have spent more time doing things I want to do. For instance, having dinner with friends tonight so I won't be home after work until later.

Sad to say but it does get easier but you'll also find yourself growing further apart


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> I don't think either of us realized how badly he was hurt. And he had been in counseling on his own for it and he thought he had made good progress.
> The problem with fighting is that it usually happens when I initiate and he rejects me. Then I feel like "wtf, it's been a week, he's been flirty all day, why doesnt he want me" and then he sees that I'm
> upset and he gets mad.
> And I get mad that he's mad. It's stupid. MC said we need to find a way for me to not feel rejected and I told her that I'm just not initiating anymore. She seemed ok with it.
> ...


I've been down the "just not initiating" road twice and this is what I've learned.

If you still expect a normal sexual relationship is part of a stable marriage and just don't initiate, sooner or later you will get resentful and frustrated. I did.

What changed was that eventually I dropped the expectation of ANY sexual intimacy in my marriage. No expectation, no initiation and when my wife suggested we could have sex that night, I told her it depended on how I felt. No expectations raised.

Unfortunately, with no expectations of a fulfilling sexual relationship in my marriage I felt the marriage was over and explained to my wife that was how I felt.

it took her a while but she realized that if the marriage was to stay together, she had to figure out how to become interested in sex again. And she did.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I've been down the "just not initiating" road twice and this is what I've learned.
> 
> If you still expect a normal sexual relationship is part of a stable marriage and just don't initiate, sooner or later you will get resentful and frustrated. I did.
> 
> ...


Chris,

Think I am just about where you were now.

I have gotten to the point of no sexual expectations anymore and feel less and less of the pain associated with it.

Hopefully we'll get to where you are now


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He did initiate the other night. It's just that I want it more often. And I have come to a place where I'm like a man in that I equate sex with love. Don't know how the hell that happened. 
He's very willing to work on it. This is hard for both of us. After one of my IC sessions I felt like I had had the emotional equivalent of a pelvic and anal exam along with an audit by the IRS. Jeez, do we really need to know how I feel about his genitalia? If I liked sex the first time? Of course we do it just sucked. 
I know it's hard for him, we are confronting really uncomfortable issues and I am so glad he's willing to talk about it.
I didn't know how hard it would be to talk about sex with a therapist. I think I'm open minded but damn. I feel like I'd rather get a pelvic sometimes. 
He really wanted to go to MC w his ex but they went a few times and the MC decided he needed to stop being concerned with where his ex was going. It was obvious that she was going out with friends looking for his replacement and the MC said he had no right to know where she was going. 
I'm just glad after that bad experience that he is still willing to go.
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you've already considered this, but perhaps you give him the right of first refusal. Like, make a deal that you'll only masturbate after he's turned you down. Then the balls in his court and he has nobody to blame but himself if you end up doing it.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

^^WoM, that "right of first refusal" would not fly in my house. The OP stated that she likes to do this when she is alone sometimes. I can see the appeal to a woman of being able to "rub one out" when she finally has some time by herself, and wants to unwind and release some stress. It generally takes just a few minures, no muss, no fuss. 

I know in the majority of cases, my wife perfers to do this when no one is around, and she can relax and not feel like someone is going to walk in on her.

I think the idea is good, but the OP might miss many opportunities to "help herself out" when DH may not be around.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> And I have come to a place where I'm like a man in that I equate sex with love.


I'm married to a LD man. For YEARS I felt the same way if we weren't having lots of sex he didn't love me. I no longer believe this. He does love me we just have different drives that's all. He's content with a back rub and to go to sleep.

I swear he's like a woman. LOL


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

There will be no right of first refusal because then he will know if I want time to myself what it's for, and then I will feel self conscious about it. 
I just don't know how someone can go from being a voracious sex god to this.,
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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I don't see it mentioned here, but LD could be due to low testosterone? -Has he been tested for low testosterone?

I was VERY LD..my wife was HD and it caused SEVERE issues..I had my T-levels checked and they were in the tank. Now I take T-injections once every 2 weeks and I am now HD big time, easily keeping up with her drive and her needs. She now has a hard time keeping up with mine 


just a thought...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's funny you mentioned this. I just thought about that earlier because as we have discussed in MC, he doesn't get enough sleep, maybe 5/6 hours a night, he doesn't exercise, he doesn't eat fruits and vegetables, he has a lot of stress and anger at his ex. So which came first, I don't know.
I'm going to talk to him about getting tested. 
Our MC keeps going on about the chemicals that are in your brain when you first fall in love that go away after awhile and I just think there is more to it than that. 
If that would help and I knew it wasn't something about me that would be amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> He did initiate the other night. It's just that I want it more often. And I have come to a place where I'm like a man in that I equate sex with love. Don't know how the hell that happened.
> He's very willing to work on it. This is hard for both of us. After one of my IC sessions I felt like I had had the emotional equivalent of a pelvic and anal exam along with an audit by the IRS. Jeez, do we really need to know how I feel about his genitalia? If I liked sex the first time? Of course we do it just sucked.
> I know it's hard for him, we are confronting really uncomfortable issues and I am so glad he's willing to talk about it.
> I didn't know how hard it would be to talk about sex with a therapist. I think I'm open minded but damn. I feel like I'd rather get a pelvic sometimes.
> ...


Whether or not any of us will admit it, we all work on a reward system. Even those of us who do "good deeds", our "reward" is feeling good about ourselves.

Having said that, I hope there was some sort of "reward" for him after he initiated. Maybe doing it in his favorite position, or somewhere he liked? It shouldn't be a blatant "Since you initiated, I'm going to give you 30 minutes of oral" kind of thing but we all want to see that our efforts, not matter what we do, are appreciated.


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