# Chores/household duties-unmotivated wife



## Dubsy Jones (Feb 16, 2010)

Hi, everyone! I am the wife and well, not a good one at that..traditionally speaking. Here's a bit of background before I get into the specifics:

My husband and I were married when I was 21..and pregnant. My family is Greek and generally conservative and judgmental when it comes to such issues. My husband is not Greek. (That was a FUN 4 months of wedding planning, let me tell you!) We had done a lot of talking and had agreed that we were getting married because we wanted to, not only because of my family. We got married when I was 5 months pregnant, then bought a house and moved when I was 8 months along. After our son was born, life was understandably more stressful, but thankfully we were able to have a lot of 'us' time that first year. When our son was 13 months old, I became pregnant with our daughter. 


Ok.. now even more background: :yay:

For my entire life I have had issues with motivation and staying on task. It was only recently, (4 months ago) however, that I was finally diagnosed with ADHD..not the hyperactive type, but the inattentive type. Basically, I cannot pay attention to anything unless it is either greatly stimulating to me, or I "hyper-focus" and block everything out except for the task I'm doing. The latter is not an option because of my two young children. It's a task for me to get motivated to do anything even remotely mundane. 
In the beginning of our marriage, my husband (and I) assumed that my motivation problems were due to being pregnant or being depressed. So he didn't say much about the laundry piles or unfinished projects. Besides, there were no babies yet to mess everything up. Then our son was born....and we both wrote off that I couldn't get anything done because I was a new mother, had post-partum depression, sleep deprived, etc.. Hubby didn't complain too much, but he was definitely not happy with the state of the house.

Then our daughter was born 2 years later and my issues were explained by having a toddler and an infant to take care of. Again, my husband held in his concerns for the most part. Not only was he frustrated with my lack of housekeeping, but I had gained weight and just didn't get out of the house much. He became mildly "cold" towards me..less romantic and more distant. I tried different anti-depressants but nothing really seemed to work.

This past summer was when he really let his feelings come out. We had numerous discussions about how I needed to get out and do things and just 'get a life'. He'd tell me he was frustrated with my forgetfulness, procrastination, and irresponsibility.. He became even less affectionate and more of a grump around the house. The tension built up more and more. I then would try extra hard to get things done and get out of the house...but I just could never finish anything. So there would be even MORE unfinished chores around the house.. 

So I tried to remedy that by going out and shopping or eating at restaurants..and impulsively signing my son up for karate. The kids and I couldn't mess up the house if we weren't there, right?? That led to massively over-spending, and a very angry husband. He said he couldn't live with me and that we're incompatible. It was a shock to me at the time, although it's obvious looking back. It was a week later that I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication. The change was dramatic. I wrote a list of things to do, then I would DO them ALL. The house was spotless, I started a part-time job, and I was taking the kids out to do (inexpensive) things. I became physically and mentally overwhelmed by everything I was doing. I was on major overdrive..but at least I was takin' care of business! 

My husband was still fed up though, and although he was glad that the house was clean and 'proud of me', he was still struggling with our relationship. Basically, he told me it's too late. It's been so tense in the house. I hate weekends when he's home. He is so cold to me. He says he is "shell-shocked" from the first 5 1/2 years of our marriage, with me doing nothing. He feels that by me not cleaning or remembering to do things, or procrastinating, that I was not putting in enough effort into our marriage and I was disrespecting him. So even the memory of what I _was_ like was too much. I do understand where he's coming from, and I don't try to deny him those feelings.

More and more, I've been slacking on the housework. I don't know all the reasons why. But I have been doing great in the money department.. I think we're both resistant to "giving in".. he feels that if he warms up to me and romances me, that he's being manipulated by my doing housework, and I feel that if I keep the house clean, I'm giving in to him being an a$$. 

This past weekend his friend was poking fun at me, pretending to be my husband and 'fake-complaining' about a number of my faults and issues that my husband and I argue about. ("Woman..get back in the kitchen and wash the dishes, they've been there for a month!") He took it too far, though, and my husband didn't defend me. My feelings were hurt. We talked about it on our Valentine's Day date, and it progressed into that we got married only because I was pregnant and we're just not compatible and never have been. I told him that if that's really the way he feels, then we should divorce. He is staying elsewhere for a couple nights and wants me to come up with some sort of divorce plan. 

If you've read this whole post...I'm sorry, lol. I wanted to give enough info, though.  I'm wondering if our marriage can be saved?? Is it worth saving, in your opinion? Am I just being a stubborn brat?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I don't think you are being a stubborn brat at all. It is really kind of a sticky situation when you both get to the point of waiting for the other to make an effort first. I think that you two need to put that sort of thinking behind you if you want to save your marriage.

With that being said...If he is done and he truely wants to divorce, then you need to do what you need to do to move on and take care of yourself and your children. I know things get said in anger, but if he meant what he said......do you really want to be married to someone who just married you because you were pregnant?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you think he is in the wrong expecting you to take care of the kids/house while he is working full time?

Do you think he is in the wrong to expect you to use judgement when you spend family money? 

My wife and I had this conflict about housework (but fortunately not about spending money) earlier in our marriage to a lessor degree - but still it was very painful for both of us. 

Do you WANT to work a full time paid/salary job and hire people to watch the kids? Would that work better for you? 

Do you think other men will react differently than your husband has to how you behaved? Meaning if you divorce/meet someone new and repeat the same process do you expect a similar or different outcome?




Dubsy Jones said:


> Hi, everyone! I am the wife and well, not a good one at that..traditionally speaking. Here's a bit of background before I get into the specifics:
> 
> My husband and I were married when I was 21..and pregnant. My family is Greek and generally conservative and judgmental when it comes to such issues. My husband is not Greek. (That was a FUN 4 months of wedding planning, let me tell you!) We had done a lot of talking and had agreed that we were getting married because we wanted to, not only because of my family. We got married when I was 5 months pregnant, then bought a house and moved when I was 8 months along. After our son was born, life was understandably more stressful, but thankfully we were able to have a lot of 'us' time that first year. When our son was 13 months old, I became pregnant with our daughter.
> 
> ...


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Both you and your husband are considering this question:
_Should I stay married or should I divorce?_

Both you and your husband *should* be considering this question:
_Should I grow up or should I remain an adolescent?_

Your husband feels that he made a mistake that robed him of his youth, and he wants to "undo" that mistake. He is deluding himself. With two children, he will be more attached to you after a divorce than he is now. Why? Money problems will be worse, not less, since you will loose the savings of sharing a single household. If he thinks you are a bad mother, that problem also remains if you divorce.

So .... what to do?

Your choice is made easier by the fact that you do not have one.

You both need to relinquish your youth, mature into adults, put your children first, and make your marriage work as well as you can.

The good news is that you are both young, and you will still be young when your children fly the coup. Many people have a very wonderful second adolescence in their late 30's and early 40's after their children are grown. This carefree time is the best in life because the freedom, health, and enthusiasm of youth is combined with the financial resources and emotional maturity of an adult.

Or, you can both delude yourself into thinking that your mistakes can be "undone" and spend the next 15 years fighting a loosing battle against reality. You will not find freedom, you will not find happiness, and when your children are finally grown, you will find that life's cruelty will have exhausted you both to the point that you really will be old.

Running just is not the option that it seems to be.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What Alex said.

Dubsy, the truth is, it's time to stop using your 'disability' as an excuse. Consider the women who arranged to marry a farmer in the midwest back in the 1800's. They rode all across the country by wagon, to meet a man they promised to marry. They were handed ALL the work that the rancher or farmer didn't do, and they DID it. They had to FIND a way to like and hopefully love their partner. They didn't sit around moping because they weren't getting everything they wanted in a marriage. H&ll, they were grateful when their husbands saved up enough money to buy them a mirror, or a yard of fabric so they could make a second dress! In the end, this is the life they chose, they accepted that, and they did whatever it took to make it as good a life as they could.

Bottom line, you have a great life. IF you choose to look at it that way. 

As for him not going first, at another site, the number one rule there is that YOU have to go first. Why? Because you're here. What happens? If YOU go first, put your own wants aside for a month or two and focus on your husband, making him happy, he will reciprocate, because HE is finally happy to come home to you because you are being a great wife. Or he won't. If he doesn't, then you know there's something else wrong with your marriage; but at least you'll know that you did what you had to do, to make sure you tried everything.

Spend the next month not Love Busting him (doing things that make him unhappy) and meeting his Emotional Needs (doing things that DO make him happy). Stop b&tching about what you aren't getting, just be the person he would want to come home to. See if he responds.

When I was told that, I scoffed; for a year. It was all his fault. I wasn't the problem. I needed to leave him. He would never change. After a year of people telling me the same thing over and over, I did it. I shut up, focused on him, and became the wife I should have been all along. And he changed. He stopped being sullen. He stopped refusing to help me with the house. He started fixing things I'd asked to be fixed for years. He listened to me. He tried to please me.

All because I went first.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Based on your post - it sounds like you want to continue to work on your marriage. We all have faults - I hope he recognizes his. You are commended for working on yours. 

He asked you to come up with a divorce plan. I find that interesting. Does that mean if you come up with it - you are asking for the divorce? If so, what does that mean legally - watch out for yourself.

If you want to work on your marriage so no - and come up with a marriage plan and present it to him. See how he reacts. Let him come up with the divorce plan if he does not want to work on your marriage.


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## Dubsy Jones (Feb 16, 2010)

scarletblue said:


> I don't think you are being a stubborn brat at all. It is really kind of a sticky situation when you both get to the point of waiting for the other to make an effort first. I think that you two need to put that sort of thinking behind you if you want to save your marriage.
> 
> With that being said...If he is done and he truely wants to divorce, then you need to do what you need to do to move on and take care of yourself and your children. I know things get said in anger, but if he meant what he said......do you really want to be married to someone who just married you because you were pregnant?


Yes, it is a sticky situation.. And no, I certainly don't want to be married to him if he only married me because I was pregnant. I know he didn't marry me only because of the pregnancy.. so it bothers me when he says crap like that. I'm not sure what advice I was truly looking for in my post.. I don't want more allies on "my" side..because I know I'm mostly at fault. It's just frustrating..*sigh*


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## Dubsy Jones (Feb 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Do you think he is in the wrong expecting you to take care of the kids/house while he is working full time?
> 
> Do you think he is in the wrong to expect you to use judgement when you spend family money?
> 
> ...



#1. Of _course_ he's not in the wrong expecting me to hold down the fort when he's working. I am just as angry, if not more so, at myself for being a lousy 'housewife' as he is. I feel great when my house is clean, the kids are happy, and everyone is fed. I suspect that I put too much pressure on myself to have everything in order..more for him than myself. When I ease up on thinking about what he'd say if something isn't done, or I focus on MY pride in my work, I perform better. Does that make me selfish, or independent...?

#2. My goodness, of _*course*_ he is not wrong for expecting me to use financial judgment! To me, this is a silly question because I didn't suggest that I was right for over-spending in my post. It was the first time in our marriage that I had gone that "big", and I haven't even come close since then. It was, however, what took everythin:scratchhead:g over the edge for my husband. And I understand that, and I'm actually glad it happened..because it led to my diagnosis and got me one step closer to living a fulfilled life..

#3. At this point, no, I don't want to hire someone to watch the kids so I can work. They are starting school in a few months so I will have more time and space to do what I need to do. I am going back to college this summer, too, so that will be my 'career'.

#4. Yes, a different man would react differently - he would be less patient with me! I don't expect any man to put up with a partner like me. Did it seem that I felt I was "right" and my husband is wrong? That's not how I meant for my post to come across.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you have trouble following through on things, what about a chore chart? You know, the kind you get for your kids. Write on it all the things that need to get done each day. Check them off as you finish them, and if you get it all done, give yourself a treat. I have to write lists, as I have ADD, or I simply can't remember all I have to get done. A chore chart will be right there on the wall, to help you remember, and give you guidance for those times when you feel adrift.


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## Cricket5 (Feb 11, 2010)

Ask yourself this question about divorce. Do you think you and your husband can really justify the reason and explain to your children why youare getting a divorce. Do you think that you have a solid reason that you can tell them honestly? It may seem like the right thing to do now, but divorce is a permanent reminder of wat may be a temporary feeling. Temporary feelings may last for a year or more, but divorce is permanent.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DJ,
I give you an A+ for taking responsibility here. I also think you need to understand something. If he had done the same stuff at work you did at home and he kept getting fired and that kept causing you intense financial stress, by now you would be thinking of leaving him/already left him. And that is actually fair - to a degree marriage is a job. 

I also think you might want to suggest a period of pennance after which he promises to stop with the coldness/reserve and start acting like he loves you regardless of how he feels inside. And during that time if you value your marriage/children/H/financial stability/etc you will step up in a big way. 

Maybe this period of pennance is a month - that is for you to decide. But if you read some of your latest posts - even on the edge of a divorce it seems like you are having trouble staying motivated. 

The funny thing is that when MY wife did this to me it took a near divorce to change her behavior and it took about a year of her being on top of stuff for us to get back to good. And eventually - even as committed as I am - eventually I would have ended it. It was simply too unfair - I was giving it 100 percent and she was giving me great sex - and she was a great mom - but anything extra I asker her to do got blown off. 

Please don't take this wrong. Sounds like he is a good guy with a good job. If you two separate other guys will date you - but no one is going to treat you like he does and no one will treat your kids like their blood. If you divorce he will find another woman pretty easily and one day you will drive over to drop off the kids and look in the window and see this other woman hugging YOUR man and as your drive away you will cry about what could have been because the if there is a new guy - he won't be as good as your H - not even close. 



Dubsy Jones said:


> #1. Of _course_ he's not in the wrong expecting me to hold down the fort when he's working. I am just as angry, if not more so, at myself for being a lousy 'housewife' as he is. I feel great when my house is clean, the kids are happy, and everyone is fed. I suspect that I put too much pressure on myself to have everything in order..more for him than myself. When I ease up on thinking about what he'd say if something isn't done, or I focus on MY pride in my work, I perform better. Does that make me selfish, or independent...?
> 
> #2. My goodness, of _*course*_ he is not wrong for expecting me to use financial judgment! To me, this is a silly question because I didn't suggest that I was right for over-spending in my post. It was the first time in our marriage that I had gone that "big", and I haven't even come close since then. It was, however, what took everythin:scratchhead:g over the edge for my husband. And I understand that, and I'm actually glad it happened..because it led to my diagnosis and got me one step closer to living a fulfilled life..
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. AWESOME post!


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