# Men are from mars...



## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

We're been married 10 years. 2nd for both. Whirlwind romance..you know the drill. Even though he is kind and generous, we have very different likes, dislikes, values, passions, sense of humor, I could go on. 
I'm seeing a therapist..he is not. I'm just getting tired not seeing ANYTHING eye to eye. He chastises me for my strong opinions, he doesn't like the way I keep house, etc...it's not just one issue, it's everything. I need help to find a clear path to happiness


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Easy to fix,
Don't tell him your 'strong opinions' and let him do the housework any way he likes.
I don't like my wife's cooking, so I cook all my own food, no fighting or arguing involved..
Eliminating disagreement is the best way forward.
No need to ever argue over your differences.


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Not a good " fix"... I want emotional intimacy..can't have it when all we can talk about is the weather..


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Rabbithole said:


> We're been married 10 years. 2nd for both. Whirlwind romance..you know the drill. Even though he is kind and generous, we have very different likes, dislikes, values, passions, sense of humor, I could go on.
> I'm seeing a therapist..he is not. I'm just getting tired not seeing ANYTHING eye to eye. He chastises me for my strong opinions, he doesn't like the way I keep house, etc...it's not just one issue, it's everything. I need help to find a clear path to happiness


Sometimes it helps to remember why each of you fell in love with the other. From the brief OP, it sounds like you don't have much in common, but your story is a whirlwind romance, so why did you fall in love with your husband?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Rabbithole said:


> Not a good " fix"... I want emotional intimacy..can't have it when all we can talk about is the weather..


Sounds like you want a war with your husband.
The likely outcome will be divorce.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Rabbithole said:


> Not a good " fix"... I want emotional intimacy..can't have it when all we can talk about is the weather..


The divorce him. Life is too short to live in an unhappy marriage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rabbithole said:


> We're been married 10 years. 2nd for both. Whirlwind romance..you know the drill. Even though he is kind and generous, we have very different likes, dislikes, values, passions, sense of humor, I could go on.
> I'm seeing a therapist..he is not. I'm just getting tired not seeing ANYTHING eye to eye. He chastises me for my strong opinions, he doesn't like the way I keep house, etc...it's not just one issue, it's everything. I need help to find a clear path to happiness


Several questions for you...

Why are you seeing a therapist?

You mention be chastises you for having strong opinions. Who described them as "strong"? You or him? And why?

Have you communicated to him your concerns? 

How would he characterize your relationship?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

The post ''whirlwind romance'' relationships can be a let down. The red flags that should normally be noticed are brushed aside by the endorphin rush of ''new love''. Day to day life is generally mundane and repetitive. 

Just like the movie, ''Eat, Pray, Love'' was great until the credits rolled, but just as the real life author found out ten years later after the breakup/divorce, it's different in the long run.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Rabbithole said:


> Not a good " fix"... I want emotional intimacy..can't have it when all we can talk about is the weather..


Men don't make good friends with women. I've read that some women claim that their husband is their best friend. This doesn't work for every woman. Identify a couple of girl friends who like to bithc and moan about the same things that you do and keep it at that. Keep up the mystery with your husband.


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> Several questions for you...
> 
> Why are you seeing a therapist?
> 
> ...





NTA said:


> Men don't make good friends with women. I've read that some women claim that their husband is their best friend. This doesn't work for every woman. Identify a couple of girl friends who like to bithc and moan about the same things that you do and keep it at that. Keep up the mystery with your husband.


I don't have any friends. _Not one. I have anxiety issues and may be on the autism spectrum. It WOULD be easier to deal with if I had a friend or 2._


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Seeing a therapist to try to find a way to stay in the marriage. I also have anxiety and may be on the autism spectrum. 
I have opinions the opposite of his and he doesn't like to hear them. I describe them as strong because he always tells me to be more like him. He sees everything with rose colored glasses, I'm more realistic.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Rabbithole said:


> I have opinions the opposite of his and he doesn't like to hear them. I describe them as strong because he always tells me to be more like him. He sees everything with rose colored glasses, I'm more realistic.


You don't need to voice those opinions, just as you don't need to listen to his opinions.
Marriage isn't about strife, it's about co-operation.


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

coquille said:


> Sometimes it helps to remember why each of you fell in love with the other. From the brief OP, it sounds like you don't have much in common, but your story is a whirlwind romance, so why did you fall in love with your husband?


He is kind.


ElwoodPDowd said:


> You don't need to voice those opinions, just as you don't need to listen to his opinions.
> Marriage isn't about strife, it's about co-operation.


Sounds more like a roommate situation to me..


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> He is kind.
> 
> Sounds more like a roommate situation to me..


If you can't find anything other than him being kind to love about him you already are just roommates.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Not all conflict is bad. Bad or good comes from how you react to it. Handled properly, conflict can actually bring you closer and allow you to learn more about your partner. It is a chance to accept each other for who you are, two different people.

Also, just because you don't see eye to eye doesn't mean one of you is wrong. It is all perspective. Look at a can from above, it appears to be a circle, look at it from the side and it looks like a rectangle. Neither perspective is wrong.

Some points to consider.

Your stance is just your opinion, as is your husband's.
Remember that you are a team. It isn't you against him.
What are you really arguing about and is it really a big risk to be worried about? It doesn't sound like you are arguing over life and death matters, keep that in perspective.
Are the differences and arguments really worth damaging your marriage?
Try to solve the problem. We all want to be right, but suppose you win an argument, but damage the relationship, have you really won?

On that last one, I was always bad about not knowing when to give up an argument. I wanted it to go until my wife said I was right. I may have gotten that short sense of satisfaction, but at what cost. Now my wife was holding on to some level of animosity for me. It would be much better for the relationship to just let it go.

Last point, learn to live together in spite of the differences. We can coexist with difference.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rabbithole said:


> Seeing a therapist to try to find a way to stay in the marriage. I also have anxiety and may be on the autism spectrum.
> I h*ave opinions the opposite of his and he doesn't like to hear them. I describe them as strong because he always tells me to be more like him. *He sees everything with rose colored glasses, I'm more realistic.


The bolded is a problem. People who try to convince you to be more like them usually have a hard time "agreeing to disagree". They will never respect your opinions. Don't expect him to change. 

My bf is like this. Love him to pieces but we cannot discuss politics or religion. I am not one to bring those topics up but he can't hold back expressing his opinions whenever he is triggered. I finally had enough and, since I can agree to disagree but he can't, I told him that if he wanted to have a happy relationship with me, he was going to have to keep his political and religious views to himself. He slips up every now and then and I just tell him 'different topic'. Those are his "safe words" to stop. 

Your husband is not going to change. If you want to stay with him, then YOU need to change. Stop bringing up contentious discussion topics. If you have nothing else in common then you probably need to either accept a lonely relationship or find someone who is more aligned with your interests/philosophies/life goals.


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Let me give everyone an example...driving down the highway, we see a pickup with a hog scalder in the back..(what can I say, we live in the midwest) ..I'm a vegetarian. I voice my opinion that pigs have emotions and intelligence..similar to dogs. Husband says I shouldn't judge people..now remember..we are in a car...the other people CAN'T HEAR me! When I voice my opinions on politics (we agree there) then my opinions are fine...I feel like he is silencing me and has no regard for my opinions if they don't match his. It happens A Lot! This paragraph over simplifies our relationship...but I wanted to give you an example.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rabbithole said:


> We're been married 10 years. 2nd for both. Whirlwind romance..you know the drill. Even though he is kind and generous, we have very different likes, dislikes, values, passions, sense of humor, I could go on.
> I'm seeing a therapist..he is not. I'm just getting tired not seeing ANYTHING eye to eye. He chastises me for my strong opinions, he doesn't like the way I keep house, etc...it's not just one issue, it's everything. I need help to find a clear path to happiness


If he doesn't like the way you keep house, he is certainly free to take that over or hire a maid.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> Let me give everyone an example...driving down the highway, we see a pickup with a hog scalder in the back..(what can I say, we live in the midwest) ..I'm a vegetarian. I voice my opinion that pigs have emotions and intelligence..similar to dogs. Husband says I shouldn't judge people..now remember..we are in a car...the other people CAN'T HEAR me! When I voice my opinions on politics (we agree there) then my opinions are fine...I feel like he is silencing me and has no regard for my opinions if they don't match his. It happens A Lot! This paragraph over simplifies our relationship...but I wanted to give you an example.


Am I missing what he said wrong in this example?


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Am I missing what he said wrong in this example?


Yeah..you don't get it. I wasn't judging them I was stating my opinion.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Rabbithole said:


> I'm a vegetarian. I voice my opinion that pigs have emotions and intelligence..similar to dogs. Husband says I shouldn't judge people..now remember..we are in a car...the other people CAN'T HEAR me!


Nobody appears to have said the slightest thing contentious IMHO.
You are imagining an argument where none exists.
I agree with you, pigs have emotions and intelligence, but they're also delicious.

One tiny thought,
I used to hang out with a bunch of Vegans, incredibly angry and argumentative people, seemed to be caused by lack of Vitamin B12 which a lot of them ended up injecting. Have you thought you might be lacking?








Vegetarian Diet and B12 Deficiency


New research suggests that even those who follow a more lenient vegetarian diet are also at risk of vitamin B12 deficiency.




www.webmd.com


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> Yeah..you don't get it. I wasn't judging them I was stating my opinion.


This is an honest issue of me not understanding. Mostly due to my wife and me having similar conversations. She laughs and says she can say what she wants when its just us two. It's our dynamic though, we both thrive on debate with each other. We never get angry over it, it's just how we are. 

Is he being snippy when he says it?


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

The bigger issue is he doesn't hear me. I'm not very good at communicating..obviously..
People on this forum think I'm arguing with him..I'm not arguing with him...Im only stating my concern for animals.. he's obliquely telling me to keep my opinions to myself.
(I am not expressing myself well. Sorry)


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> The bigger issue is he doesn't hear me. I'm not very good at communicating..obviously..
> People on this forum think I'm arguing with him..I'm not arguing with him...Im only stating my concern for animals.. he's obliquely telling me to keep my opinions to myself.
> (I am not expressing myself well. Sorry)


I don't think you are arguing with him. But like I said, with the example given I really didn't see anything wrong. I saw it akin to him saying aww be nice. 
Are you attempting to get some specific sort of dialogue from him there? 
This is an honest question, maybe I'm being obtuse here but in your opinion what would have been a proper response from him?


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

" I understand your concern for animals".... and you're right..technically he did nothing wrong..but still. I like to be heard and understood. I can go on and on with examples of him just brushIng aside things that are very important to me. 

He's a "surface dweller"...I live in the depths of the oceans...

Anyway...I'm not changing, he's not changing... ..to try to fit in somewhere, I guess , is up to me ...I need to cultivate friendships with people who are just as passionate as I am.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Rabbithole

I hear what you are saying and think I understand where you are coming from. I think that you and you husband are at a place that a lot of couples end up. You have lost the connection to each other and cannot seem to figure out how to get back to love.

There is a solution to this, it takes a lot more explanation than can be given on this thread. You two need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up and to rebuild the passion you once had. It's 100% doable. So I'm going to suggest some books for you.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits: Harley, Willard F. Jr.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts: Harley, Willard F. Jr.

Read the books in the order I’ve listed them here. With Love Busters, you identify the love busters that you do and stop doing them. Then once the love busting stops, the His Needs, Her Needs book will help you two figure out ow to meet each other’s needs.

Keep in mind that it generally takes 13 position actions to override the damage done by one ‘love buster’. So eliminating love busters as much as possible will make it much easier to meet each others needs.

You gave the example of the car ride where you made the comment about pigs and your husband came back with the comment about you should not judge others. Both of you love busted in that example. Neither of you are right nor wrong. You are just both coming from different perspectives.

Your remark about pigs being intelligent, etc. most likely annoys him. I assume that your husband is not vegan and eats meat. I’ll bet you have made such comments often and annoys him not.

It does sound like a judgement. Then his remark to you is not very nice at all. You say that you want to express yourself, but is there really a need for you to say something like that? He already knows how you feel about humans eating meat.

What could you do differently in this sort of circumstance? What do you think?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> " I understand your concern for animals".... and you're right..technically he did nothing wrong..but still. I like to be heard and understood. I can go on and on with examples of him just brushIng aside things that are very important to me.
> 
> He's a "surface dweller"...I live in the depths of the oceans...
> 
> Anyway...I'm not changing, he's not changing... ..to try to fit in somewhere, I guess , is up to me ...I need to cultivate friendships with people who are just as passionate as I am.





Rabbithole said:


> " I understand your concern for animals".... and you're right..technically he did nothing wrong..but still. I like to be heard and understood. I can go on and on with examples of him just brushIng aside things that are very important to me.
> 
> He's a "surface dweller"...I live in the depths of the oceans...
> 
> Anyway...I'm not changing, he's not changing... ..to try to fit in somewhere, I guess , is up to me ...I need to cultivate friendships with people who are just as passionate as I am.


Ok, let's go at this from a different angle. Was there ever a time when he did hear or understand you? If so in what way exactly has he changed?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

NTA said:


> Men don't make good friends with women. I've read that some women claim that their husband is their best friend. This doesn't work for every woman. Identify a couple of girl friends who like to bithc and moan about the same things that you do and keep it at that. Keep up the mystery with your husband.


are there any things you two both do that you DO enjoy?
roadtrips, hiking, tennis, golf, fishing, museums, foodie stuff....and so on?
DOING things together and having fun CAN balance out the bad stuff, where you two are picking on each other. And when you are not doing fun things, hang out with your friends instead, like someone above said.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

The 50 Best Bonding Activities for Married Couples | Best Life


If you feel like your relationship has hit a slump, one of these hobbies for couples might just inject some vitality into your life.




bestlifeonline.com





any of these float your boat?


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Nobody appears to have said the slightest thing contentious IMHO.
> You are imagining an argument where none exists.
> I agree with you, pigs have emotions and intelligence, but they're also delicious.
> 
> ...


I am not a vegan but I do eat Whole Foods Plant Based as much as possible (still battling with the processed stuff like crisps... Anyway, ALOE is the only plant food containing B12, so tell all your vegan friends to load up.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Rabbithole said:


> Let me give everyone an example...driving down the highway, we see a pickup with a hog scalder in the back..(what can I say, we live in the midwest) ..I'm a vegetarian. I voice my opinion that pigs have emotions and intelligence..similar to dogs. Husband says I shouldn't judge people..now remember..we are in a car...the other people CAN'T HEAR me! When I voice my opinions on politics (we agree there) then my opinions are fine...I feel like he is silencing me and has no regard for my opinions if they don't match his. It happens A Lot! This paragraph over simplifies our relationship...but I wanted to give you an example.


I think your husband is voicing his opinion too. 

What's the answer you were expecting from him? 

We are all different individuals. What do you guys have in common? What made you fall in love with him?


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @Rabbithole
> 
> I hear what you are saying and think I understand where you are coming from. I think that you and you husband are at a place that a lot of couples end up. You have lost the connection to each other and cannot seem to figure out how to get back to love.
> 
> ...


Keep my mouth shut..right? Ride along on the surface of life and never delve deeper.
And I did keep mouth shut for the rest of the drive..because apparently we can't talk without offending the other. Our religion is opposite, our sense of humor is not compatible, he's repulsed by the things that fascinate me...
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I'll just talk about the weather with him from here on out. It's the only safe bet.


uphillbattle said:


> Ok, let's go at this from a different angle. Was there ever a time when he did hear or understand you? If so in what way exactly has he


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Ok....here's the deal. He used to get blackout drunk...and he wasn't nice. Not physically..emotionally. He said once he wanted to have sex with my daughter...who was 17 at the time...HOW do I forgive, forget and move on. It's ingrained in my head. I told him a few days later that when he was backed out he mentioned having sex with a female relative....not wanting the relationship with my daughter to be weird..he never apologized..


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> Ok....here's the deal. He used to get blackout drunk...and he wasn't nice. Not physically..emotionally. He said once he wanted to have sex with my daughter...who was 17 at the time...HOW do I forgive, forget and move on. It's ingrained in my head. I told him a few days later that when he was backed out he mentioned having sex with a female relative....not wanting the relationship with my daughter to be weird..he never apologized..


WTF..... is there a reason you didn't start with this?


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## Rabbithole (Aug 31, 2021)

Idk....it's deep in my psyche...I don't like bringing it up...
How do I move on?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, just being honest here. With the progression of your posts I am convinced that you came here to feel justified in wanting to leave your husband. 

Nobody here is going to have an issue with your feelings. This site is user sensitive. You will have the best results if you are brutally honest and up front. You may not like what people may have to say but you will get straight forward thought from a variety of people who run the gambit in the experiences they have lived with.

Just my thoughts


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> *Keep my mouth shut..right?* Ride along on the surface of life and never delve deeper.
> And I did keep mouth shut for the rest of the drive..because apparently we can't talk without offending the other. Our religion is opposite, our sense of humor is not compatible, he's repulsed by the things that fascinate me...
> Thanks for taking the time to comment.
> I'll just talk about the weather with him from here on out. It's the only safe bet.


 No, I did not say to "keep your mouth shut". My point is that the two of you are having trouble communicating and have some work to do to get past this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rabbithole said:


> Idk....it's deep in my psyche...I don't like bringing it up...
> How do I move on?


How long ago was this? When was the last time he got black out drunk? Does he still have a drinking problem?


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