# trial separation unhappy wife



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

hi been married 25yrs she is 44 and im 48 and last 9 months have been quite bad from both sides of us, wife wants space and has suggested 3 month trial separation and this came after I was away working for 3 weeks which I haven't done before. things had been difficult but iv come back to this bombshell and did find she had been talking to men online in a not good way too but found nothing more, we haven't shared any closeness in months and now she barely tolerates me in the room !!!!!!
love this woman to pieces and really don't know how to approach this as she will let me hug her put hand on her lap etc but no kissing or intimacy and she seems very cold and I think I put it down to 9 hard unloving months with two high end rows and thinking she has missed out on life seems too bug her.
many thanks for any insight but how do I get the idea of splitting divorce out her head.
anthony


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

moses said:


> hi been married 25yrs she is 44 and im 48 and last 9 months have been quite bad from both sides of us, wife wants space and has suggested 3 month trial separation and this came after I was away working for 3 weeks which I haven't done before. things had been difficult but iv come back to this bombshell and did find she had been talking to men online in a not good way too but found nothing more, we haven't shared any closeness in months and now she barely tolerates me in the room !!!!!!
> love this woman to pieces and really don't know how to approach this as she will let me hug her put hand on her lap etc but no kissing or intimacy and she seems very cold and I think I put it down to 9 hard unloving months with two high end rows and thinking she has missed out on life seems too bug her.
> many thanks for any insight but how do I get the idea of splitting divorce out her head.
> anthony


did you ask her what is wrong? did you suggest therapy?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she hasn't already cheated on you, she's going to during the trial separation. Insist on the truth, or at least marriage counselling first. If she refuses, let her move out and file for divorce immediately. It may take this distancing and decisiveness on YOUR part to get her attention and see if she has any desire to fix things.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

Up your sex ranking. Exhibit no neediness. Do not beg or plead.
Read MMSLP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

yes 3 children 16 18 21 and I think 9 months of us both not showing affection and little communication has bit the bum so to speak and on top of a huge row and me being away I feel she has thought too much has gone on too fix !!!! coupled with her first freedom in her eyes she prob thinks she wants to do all the things she never done, she has said shed prefer living separately and staying married but I just feel she is conflicted with lots of issues at once and im blamed.
shes certainly not used too affection from last 9 months and I have shown her quite a bit which prob made matters worse so I have no idea how to move forward without appearing needy etc as you say.
she hasn't talked divorce yet but I feel if I don't handle this separation/space talk properly itll be next and by the way she is ok with me in house as long as I keep well clear of her if that makes sense and more than one or two hugs she blows !!!!! iv had the full not in love with you anymore speech and I had booked an Italian meal fri and she wouldn't go but she isn't the go out sort.
made a bath up with candles and flowers around it and she seemed happy with that at a level
thanks for any input as you can appreciate im no womans man and basically lack of affection by us both I feel has snowballed into a monster that im struggling stopping !!!!!!!
anthony


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

oh by way iv refused a week ago to move out and have said love u we are married and if you want out theres the door !!!!!!! prob not right way to go just being honest so you guys may advise thanks


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stay in your home. You might try a modified 180 approach. Cut way back on social intercourse with your wife. Do things that are good for you, your hobbies. Be cheerful. Do things with your children and friends. Give up on having sex if that is a big issue for her. Perhaps you can give a facial massage or foot rub. When there is no covert contract, ie, expectation of sex, she may begin to relax.

Work out on weights to build your upper body

Search for Machiavelli on TAM and read his posts. He coached Bagdon who successfully got his wife to fall back in love with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

And ole Nick appears, right on cue.



moses said:


> hi been married 25yrs she is 44 and im 48 and last 9 months have been quite bad from both sides of us, wife wants space


Things went bad 9 months ago, because she either had her first affair or decided she wanted to start one up. Most likely, she had an affair of some type at or near that point in time. Psycho-biological processes involving body chemistry changes after sex with a new guy causes most women to start distancing from their husbands. That's what you were experiencing.



moses said:


> and has suggested 3 month trial separation and this came after I was away working for 3 weeks which I haven't done before.


She was getting plowed, most likely in a kinky manner, the whole time you were out of the picture. She wants a 3 month separation because she wants to find out if any of her new playmates can help her get resituated. Once that's done, she'll file for divorce, but she's not ready yet.



moses said:


> things had been difficult but iv come back to this bombshell and did find she had been talking to men online in a not good way too but found nothing more, we haven't shared any closeness in months and now she barely tolerates me in the room !!!!!!


These men are some of her new playmates and/or potential playmates. What website is she talking to these guys on?



moses said:


> love this woman to pieces and really don't know how to approach this as she will let me hug her put hand on her lap etc but no kissing or intimacy and she seems very cold and I think I put it down to 9 hard unloving months with two high end rows and thinking she has missed out on life seems too bug her.


Nope. Put it down to all the strange c*ck she's been getting for the last 9 months. No question about it; she's a walking stereotype. She's having the best sex of her life (affair sex is almost always the best sex a woman can have). Her dopamine receptors are overloaded, due to endogenous sex chemistry (PEA, test, dopamine, adrenaline, etc) that gets triggered by new guy sex. Since she seems to be doing multiples, she is basically a crack addict and you're getting between her and her drug suppliers.



moses said:


> many thanks for any insight but how do I get the idea of splitting divorce out her head.
> anthony


Use fire to fight fire. Get proof of her adultery and hand her divorce papers along with the proof. Give copies to her family. You just might shock her back into reality. You'll also be showing her what a decisive hardass you are, which is always attractive.

How often do women hit on you when you are out?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mach, you've been missed...

OP, repeat after me (think baseball stadium chant)...

She is cheat-ing!
<clap><clap><clap-clap-clap>
She is cheat-ing!
<clap><clap><clap-clap-clap>
She is cheat-ing!
<clap><clap><clap-clap-clap>

I'd yell "Play ball!", but it would seem that your WW has already started doing just that.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> And ole Nick appears, right on cue.


Tam without Mach is like hospital food on a heart healthy diet.

Get me outta here, ha ha ha!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Mach is back. But ClipClop has been banned again. She's a sharp cookie.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

hi yes she is hyper withdrawn and she was using fb and yes i did see convos of a bad nature, she has also had a makeover and i cant get near her phone etc too check as its an iphone 4 and she has a passcode on it and its my only source to do so now.
not my thing to snoop really but i think deep down that she wants us to separate so in her head she can do the playmate thing and if we make up in a few months shell just say we werent together.
perhaps im really missing the point guys i really dont know to be fair as i know we were both guilty of detaching over a 9 month period, she does let me hug up to her in bed and we did have sex a week ago but she wouldnt allow kissing, deep down my gut says she just wont have her male playmates with me on the scene in any sense of the word married !!!!! does this make sense or is she just very in a bad emotional place caused by age and months of us not getting on !!!!

she did tell me off this morning for cuddling up in bed this morning !!!!!! move over etc yesterday she was fine with it
really do appreciate your guys input and feel the clock is ticking fast at moment and her latest suggestion is we remortgage house buy a flat and i live in it in the week and go home weekends which i think would be fatal !!!!!!!

thanks thanks again guys just for listening as i would like too save this so fire away with any thoughts or attack plans but am preparing for the worst as iv never heard her be this determined to end our marriage and yes i have started working out and trying to alter myself a little from my previous self
anthony


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i didnt answer the one question and i dont get hit on by women but i really dont put myself in places where im liable too, well i am married and thanks for your time and thoughts and we did speak a little yesterday and she just says you know my thoughts ( trial separation ) she seems hell bent for this and little to no affection at moment etc, i think deep down me going home pissed on a fire which has started burning by intimate convo with other men but i dont think its gone any further yet !!! could be wrong 
i think i have password for icloud account but i wouldnt have a clue how to go looking without running risk of rocking the boat at home
:smthumbup: anthony


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

She will use the trial separation and a free pass for fun and adventure. This is the problem with trial separations, in the short term she has a whole new world to explore so to speak and will have a great time with her freedom. 

In three months she wont come back because the new life is so much fun. Fantasyland is always fun short term. If she wants a separation, file for divorce. She needs to understand you will not wait for her, you have a life to live. 

You will think this is counterproductive since you don't want a divorce but she needs to be snapped back into the real world. The longer you let her play around in the fantasy land she is in the more confidence she will gain and the more she will want that new life.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i do have evidence of emotional bonding type convo and yes i seriously think i spotted it before it had gone anywhere too bad but i do know the the two guys names and they are also married so i have dug a little and she is aware i know of the one convo and has made me promise not to cause issues for his marriage or shell never speak to me again !!!! deep down i think she feels she has missed out on life and is living in fantasy land where at moment im pissing on that fantasy by being with her !!!!!!!!!
wev had months of detachement already so would advice generally to be to go in hard and serve papers or play softball, from what i hear off wife shed actually willingly divorce if i tread this trail or is this just a bluff to have her cake and eat it so too speak with separation stuff !!!

anthony


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You dont move out. She does.

Kids are not an issue for you. They are old enough.

Start separating your finances. No joint accounts, loans, etc.

Be prepared to be divorced.

Start working out. Start exploring life without her.

She's too comfortable with the old you and it does not excite her at all.

Ironically, if you want her back or if she wants to come back, you should start living as though you're single and let her go. This, I believe, is the best chance you have to save your marriage.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

moses said:


> i do have evidence of emotional bonding type convo and yes i seriously think i spotted it before it had gone anywhere too bad but i do know the the two guys names and they are also married so i have dug a little and she is aware i know of the one convo and has made me promise not to cause issues for his marriage or shell never speak to me again !!!!
> 
> *What did the conversations say? If you inform OM's wife, she will kick his butt. In turn he will light up your wife's phone and curse you for ruining his life. But wait a minute, who told him to get into an EA or PA with a married woman. It was his choice.
> 
> ...


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

moses said:


> ...her latest suggestion is we remortgage house buy a flat and i live in it in the week and go home weekends...


SERIOUSLY??? What. The. Frick.

No. If she wants a flat to entertain her playmates, she moves out and pays for it herself.

She's doing this because she knows how much you love her, so essentially, she's got you by the short and curlies. Don't stand for this. Tell her there'll be no trial separation, you're either married or divorced. If she wants to keep up these relationships she moves out immediately. Nothing less.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

thanks for advise guys and we went out to youngest ones charity fun day today and I barely interacted and spoke with other people mostly, not a word said in car on way back but I think previous posters are correct I seriously need to look happy and cut interaction down a lot, bit tricky to do when your trying to win a woman back.

i think she understands that i have no intention of giving up on marriage without a fight and its not an easy path when all she keeps saying is she is unhappy and miserable which i believe she says in hope i disappear and keep her living high life.

she walks around looking moody as hell all day and and question or convo by me is greeted with one word replies off her and if i asked if she is ok i get the you know my feelings speech eeeeeeeeeeeek is this even salvageable i ask myself at moment and yes thanks heavens kids are grown pretty much.

i will look for machiavelis posts as suggested as i really do want too win her back and although i know she has started talking to other men i believe me refusing to leave pissed on that dream hence the high levels of anger towards me, think she was testing the water and if i left yes it would be game over, we do sleep in the same bed and should i just ignore in bed and watching tv etc as there is quite an atmosphere created by her mood.

my line up till now has been i love you we are married and theres the door if you want out but i fear she will stay pissed and approach a solicitor herself in the end

thanks for the supporting words guys this is tearing me up but im not showing it
anthony


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

oh the convos i found would be enough too cause quite a row for someone else but not enough to cause big longterm issues if that makes sense, they were of a sexual nature but no mention on few i saw of meeting up or having done anything but i cant get into her fb account anymore.

think I need some guidance on how too interact from getting up to going to bed including how to deal with her when she gets on the im not happy stuff and feel miserable stuff !!!! im clueless but trying to learn rapidly and feel time isn't on my side as last week did rip me too pieces coming home and I showed it badly how upset I was !!!

thanks for everyones ears and time it is appreciated and im listening


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read the top link in my signature and implement.

All you need. Step by step.

Be warned. Its bad. Be ready.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i actually backed right off yesterday and just had few smiles and stuff with kids etc and started working out last night for the first time ever and wife walked past and said who you trying too impress yourself !!! obviously didnt go unnoticed  its prob daily interaction ill struggle with as typical nice grounded type bloke that will do all the wrong things
thanks weightlifter will try to look at some stuff but i can tell wife has gone on a total lockdown with all her accounts etc so i am treading very carefully at moment
anthony


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's gone lockdown to bury what she's doing. Any more pressure there will make her go even deeper.

Instead, go dark. Run silent, run deep.

Use the next week(s) to:
1. back everything up. Everything you can get your hands on, digitally, grab for later analysis. Gus has a good tool for recovering stuff off an iPhone if she has one.
2. go Magnum PI on her. Keep a timeline of everything she does (without her knowing it). Note inconsistencies but don't talk to her about them.
3. work out, eat well, dress better, smile a lot. Go out and have fun. Get noticed. Do not let her see you down.
4. consult a lawyer and draft up what kind of agreement you would want if it comes to that. 

Do not talk to her about the other guys until you have rock solid evidence otherwise she'll deny, deny, deny. People are mostly stupid; she'll leave proof eventually if she's screwing other guys.

My read is that 90+% chance that she is. She's had the means, the motive, and the opportunity.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

moses said:


> i actually backed right off yesterday and just had few smiles and stuff with kids etc and started working out last night for the first time ever and wife walked past and said who you trying too impress yourself !!! obviously didnt go unnoticed


This is actually a good thing. She's noticing that you're becoming more attractive and she's trying to stop you to keep the power in the relationship.

This means keep doing what you're doing.



> its prob daily interaction ill struggle with as typical nice grounded type bloke that will do all the wrong things
> thanks weightlifter will try to look at some stuff but i can tell wife has gone on a total lockdown with all her accounts etc so i am treading very carefully at moment
> anthony


Eventually if things work out and she wants back in this, demand total transparency. 

But do it like this:

"Wife, if you're in this, you'll hand me your phone and laptop right now with all the passwords. If not, we're done."

But do not do this until she's basically begging YOU to stay in this. And that's not gonna happen any time soon if ever; so go dark until this point.

You need to fundamentally restructure the balance of power in this relationship.

Oh, and don't leave town again without her. Basically, ever.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

thanks everyone and yes she is and has locked down all her accounts and yes i do beleive something at some level has gone on but i think i headed it off before it got too bad or involved !!!!! i think this is why she is pissed at me at moment but as you lot advise i will keep things quiet and first week home she just kept crying and saying she couldnt do this anymore, meaning our marriage but the last week has been fairly peaceful with no blowouts.
done the foot massage last night and she was ok with that but wouldnt allow a kiss goodnight, on cheek was ok for her and just adding this in for more thoughts
i will dig deeper but how she is policing her phone and accounts it would cause a huge row if i got busted.
anthony


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

moses said:


> thanks everyone and yes she is and has locked down all her accounts and yes i do beleive something at some level has gone on but i think i headed it off before it got too bad or involved !!!!! i think this is why she is pissed at me at moment but as you lot advise i will keep things quiet and first week home she just kept crying and saying she couldnt do this anymore, meaning our marriage but the last week has been fairly peaceful with no blowouts.
> done the foot massage last night and she was ok with that but wouldnt allow a kiss goodnight, on cheek was ok for her and just adding this in for more thoughts
> i will dig deeper but how she is policing her phone and accounts it would cause a huge row if i got busted.
> anthony


Her locking down her accounts only shows she is unwilling to work on the marriage and she is hiding something. Let her get mad about digging deeper, she isn't going to tell you the truth right now. 

You haven't headed off anything, you just are going to have a harder time finding the truth. She is mad because you are making her game not as much fun. Not to sound too harsh but you would have much better results quiting the foot massages and reading weightlifters posts on surveillance so you know what you are really up against. 

Until you do you are fighting the losing battle.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

moses said:


> i didnt answer the one question and i dont get hit on by women but i really dont put myself in places where im liable too, well i am married and thanks for your time and thoughts and we did speak a little yesterday and she just says you know my thoughts ( trial separation ) she seems hell bent for this and little to no affection at moment etc, i think deep down me going home pissed on a fire which has started burning by intimate convo with other men but i dont think its gone any further yet !!! could be wrong
> *i think i have password for icloud account but i wouldnt have a clue how to go looking without running risk of rocking the boat at home*
> :smthumbup: anthony


Today is your lucky day; your Pot O' Gold® awaits...



GusPolinski said:


> Wondershare Dr. Fone
> 
> The above link is for the Mac version of Wondershare's Dr. Fone app. There is a Windows version available as well.
> 
> ...


And as for being afraid to "rock the boat" by looking... Dude. She's getting ready to leave you. WTF else do you have to lose at this point?!?

Honestly, I'd load the software onto a laptop, wait for her to get into the shower, and then grab the laptop bag (w/ laptop, AC adapter, etc), the iPhone, and the 30-pin USB cable for the iPhone, jump into the car, and then head off to the office, a local Starbucks, the library, etc... and then start grabbing data off of the phone.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

heard loud and clear guys and yes this stuff isnt easy to follow as im sure you can appreciate but i am trying and grabbing phone will cause end game for marriage and it worries me in case i dont find enough to do that but i will attempt too get phone in the night this week sometime as she has been keeping it in draw by her bed which isnt normally done.
oh by the way would she be aware of any attemt to login into icloud in anyway, iv never used it myself so just asking so i can keep things dark, her phone has a passcode will above software get round that or is icloud account enough as i own a blackberry so know little about iphones
anthony


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

moses said:


> heard loud and clear guys and yes this stuff isnt easy to follow as im sure you can appreciate but i am trying and grabbing phone will cause end game for marriage and it worries me in case i dont find enough to do that but i will attempt too get phone in the night this week sometime as she has been keeping it in draw by her bed which isnt normally done.
> oh by the way would she be aware of any attemt to login into icloud in anyway, iv never used it myself so just asking so i can keep things dark, her phone has a passcode will above software get round that or is icloud account enough as i own a blackberry so know little about iphones
> anthony


If she ends the marriage because you looked at her phone then let her file.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I wouldn't assume anything has been stopped before it got serious if I were you. Sounds like you've made it more difficult for her by not moving out but people have affairs right under their partner's nose all the time. Right now she thinks she's being very clever, keeping you fumbling around in the dark trying to win her back while she's busy having fun with someone else.

You need to read about the 180, not to win her back, but to gain some perspective and self-respect. Right now she has no respect for you.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Get a VAR for her car.

Work out. Concentrate of being happy without her.

Foot massages do not win back cheating wives.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

yes understood guys and seriously thanks for advice and trying to implement asap which aint easy when im the typical hard working nice type guy who only wishes his life back on track.
any advice on icloud accounts more than welcome as i have a password but havent used it yet and know little of the subject but i doubt that password has been changed.
thanks for support


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

moses said:


> heard loud and clear guys and yes this stuff isnt easy to follow as im sure you can appreciate but i am trying and grabbing phone will cause end game for marriage and it worries me in case i dont find enough to do that but i will attempt too get phone in the night this week sometime as she has been keeping it in draw by her bed which isnt normally done.
> oh by the way would she be aware of any attemt to login into icloud in anyway, iv never used it myself so just asking so i can keep things dark, her phone has a passcode will above software get round that or is icloud account enough as i own a blackberry so know little about iphones
> anthony


Using methods #2 (as long as you're using a previously-captured iTunes backup) or #3 as detailed above have nothing to do w/ the passcode on the phone, so it won't matter at all. As for method #1, I'm not entirely sure. I *think* it will bypass it, though.

Is it a standard 4-digit numeric code? If so, it shouldn't be that hard to crack. Be careful, though... depending on how the phone is configured, too many incorrect entries could wipe the phone, and then everything is gone.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

yes it is a 4 digit code and i have been trying to watch her finger movements but id still be guessing at moment thanks for help and yes phone is kept very guarded where she used to leave it lay about !!!!!! i can occassionally see fb stuff as it shows on screen even though locked but that is very limited as u can appreciate
thanks again feel a little saner


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude.

You haven't headed ANYTHING off at the pass. All you've done is triggered her to go deeper.

All of her behaviour indicates more has likely happened and more is to come.

Dump her phone as Gus says. I hope I'm wrong, but I bet you'll find more.

You being a nice hard working guy that gives foot rubs is what got you into this mess. You get out of it by being a hard working guy that isn't so nice... and works hard at finding the truth.

Oh, and stop the damn foot rubs.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

One way to discover the code is to wipe the screen clean with wipe. Then get hold of it when she is in the bathroom. If you hold it up to the light the right way, you can see the smudge marks from the four numbers. You then have to guess the order.

VAR her car.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

picked up a var tonite and will fit in car and see what goes on and looking at icloud account when iv read up a bit more about how to use it as don't want to spook wife by scrubbing anything.

yes I seriously need to pull my trousers up and get act together as my gut says something has gone down at some level and will et you lot know what I find over the next week.

many many thanks for advice again and looks like a waiting game while following some of your guys guidance
anthony


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

bought wondershare dr phone last night thanks to guspolinkski advice and i would presume as long as i have password which i have as long as she aint changed it, its safe to login from another computer, i know some systems send sms txts etc to warn of unknown devices or would advice be too use home comp as i really dont want to run risk of spooking wifey.
whatever i find i will keep my cool and not say a word before i ask advice here first, its took me nearly all week to calm my head and i spent first week home an absolute wreck being told she wanted out etc and she seems to have given up saying that at moment but i am feeling ok in myself a bit more, think i feel a little more in control than i did last week.
best regards
anthony


----------



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Hi,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I read something recently about perimenopause / midlife crisis and it's effect on marriage. Just wondering if this might be what's going on. The specialist said that when some women enter this phase their bonding hormones reduce and it's as if their rose coloured glasses come off. The hormones help a woman bond to her partner and offspring often to her emotional detriment, as in she'll put up with a lot of stuff because she feels so attached. During this period though she sees everything for what it really is and a massive flood of resentment comes from all the years of pent up perceived or real injustices. This is why so many women start to feel trapped an their husband becomes the obstacle to their happiness which they believe comes in freedom.

I went through something similar when I turned 40. I didn't cheat or do any stuff online but wanted out and couldn't even explain why! I felt my husband had taken advantage of my bonding hormones over the years by not being as helpful or supportive as he could and leaving me to do a lot myself. Anyway, God bless him, he was soooo patient and let me rage at him and get all the pent up resentment out (because a lot of it is legitimate). Part f me wanted to stay so I told him what was pushing me further away...I' not a professional counsellor but I wonder if these would help:

Do not be clingy, be strong and secure in yourself
Do not do foot rubs etc.
She is more likely to desire you if she sees you getting on with your own life
Get your own professional guidance to help you be calm, set your boundaries and still be attractive (not clingy!) I think this might be helpful if she is cheating
Be kind but self assured
Surround yourself with supportive people

Its very possible she has no idea why she is doing/feeling this. I literally did not even know myself why I turned off everyone! We worked it out with changes on both sides and things are getting much better. Please, if you love her don't give up. It's a little like the teenage years - hopefully it will pass and she will fall on her feet again...with you.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

thanks for that and yes i think you may have a serious point as i do feel life has crashed into one great big heap for her all at once and yes i have seen untoward convo but nothing else has come up so far so i am keeping an open mind, yes trying to give her lots of space within house and just taking care of myself and started working out and doing stuff just for me but im also not ruling out misbehaviour yet until proven 100% otherwise.
thanks for another perspective on this and id never give in on her i vowed i never would. cheating would be out the door though with no making up dealbreaker for me !!!!!
anthony


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Never understood the trial separation thing. How the hell can you work on your marriage apart? From what I have seen when someone asks for that what it loosely translates to is " I want to slowly work myself out of this marriage". 

I would recommended you not leave your house under any circumstances. If she feels that strongly then tell her to leave. And if she does I would highly suggest you get a lawyer cause the next step is a coming


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VAR the car yesterday! I gave make and model. Just secure the crap out of it. Make that velcro TIGHT.

Oh and Gus, since you have not written the Apple thing... Why dont I just steal the post you did for the OP?


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

it is a little strange as she only seems to push for space and me leaving or keeeping well out her way and iv seen no sign of her making any serious jumps to get out house etc, it does drive her nuts if im around too much to point of her looking quite depressed and miserable !!!!!!!
i could swing one way or the other with this as being either full on mid life crisis premenopausal stuff or early emotional bonding stuff happening which i did find lowlevel convo on a few weeks ago but havent seen anymore which perhaps she wished to persue with me off the scene so to speak so am keeping an open mind at moment and trying to formulate and implement advice given with pulling back working out etc
thanks
anthony


----------



## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

This is probably the most obvious case of adultery I've seen on TAM so far. 
The amount of crap you've put up with is mind boggling. She constantly pushes you away, has inappropriate conversations with multiple men online and wants to have a 3-month trial separation? Why the **** would you want her back? If I were you I'd get a divorce and go for IC.


----------



## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

moses said:


> i do have evidence of emotional bonding type convo and yes i seriously think i spotted it before it had gone anywhere too bad but i do know the the two guys names and they are also married so i have dug a little and she is aware i know of the one convo and has made me promise not to cause issues for his marriage or shell never speak to me again !!!!


Wow. I guess you'll let her get away with anything.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

OP read all of weightlifter and Mach and a few others stuff that posted in here.

You have the completely wrong attitude about this. You're trying to get her back instead of trying to change your attitude towards loving her. She hates you right now. YOu can't change that. 

All you can do is change yourself. You need that attitude thats like "F her...I dont need her anyways". Ya easier said than done and I havent mastered it yet, but Im trying in my own marriage. Ill get there one day soon though. And if she wants to leave so bad she can get the F out.


----------



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Please no matter what you are feeling (you love her, don't want to lose her etc) create some personal boundaries on acceptable / unacceptable behaviour and stick to them. Just because someone is going through a tough spot or sorting themselves out or whatever does not give them licence to treat anyone else poorly. Understanding yes, but boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. All the very best to you.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Who the h$ll cares if she's cheating on you? YOUR WIFE is treating you like crap and your afraid to make her mad. ??

Heck, I almost want to cheat on you. 

Start being an a$$hole. Forget the VAR and nonsense, file for divorce and tell her good riddance. Tell her you don't want someone's leftovers. Come on man. 

If she sees you are really serious and pi$$ed, it might sober her up out of her nonsense. It really is your only chance.

What is so great about her anyway? You may just be highly co-dependent. ?? 

Your wife sounds fairly abusive. 

Very sorry you have to take and deal with any of it. 

I get you totally love her but you will not win her back by being nice and tip-toeing around her. She is bullying you and you need to put her in her place so to speak. 

Best of luck.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

moses said:


> i do have evidence of emotional bonding type convo and yes i seriously think i spotted it before it had gone anywhere too bad but i do know the the two guys names and they are also married so i have dug a little and she is aware i know of the one convo and has made me promise not to cause issues for his marriage or shell never speak to me again !!!!


 The fact that the convos with one of the men are bad enough that if you make an issue of it with the other man's wife she will never speak to you again, means that she is emotionally cheating with this other man. Emotional affairs are cheating, thus she is cheating. Please have this moved to the infidelity section where it belongs.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i do get the feeling that years of me being a normal type guy have got her to a point of utter disrespect, she has been one of the most caring women you could imagine and has like just switched off by about 80% towards me if that makes sense, i do get the feeling that she has ended up feeling just damn trapped in life as she has few friends doesnt go anywhere or do much unless its with me and this and age has hit her like a train all in one go and her only answer seems to be getting me out her life by not loving me !!!!!!
at moment i dont think she is willing enough to work on marriage because i know she has convinced herself she dont love me and we did have a heated debate last night and i totally stood my ground on my boundaries and what marriage means so hence it became heated.
it just feels at moment she is sat on fence so to speak and if i put house up for sale and paid her off she wouldnt stop me in anyway but she hasnt done anything to start a d as yet and i think she just wants serious space to explore life without me in picture and yes that possibly could mean others.
she isnt trying to disappear anywhere or do anything unusual that would suggest meet ups with others !!!! the only thing iv got is a couple of bad convos on fb but she has set up unrecognised device notifications on there now so i cant get on her account without her knowing !!!!!!!! so im just following var advice checking phone when i can the weekend with drphone and setting new life boudaries, god my arms ache from starting to work out and she has noticed and wasnt happy, she looked shocked when i said im joining a gym !!!!!
anthony


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you're doing well. It sounds like you aren't on such an emotional rollercoaster as you were before, which doesn't mean you are uncaring, just that you are gaining some perspective, and that's great.

When working on your own life and enjoying doing your own thing, it's less time spent obsessing over things you cannot change. Right now you can't change how she feels about life, that has to be something she chooses to do for herself. It's possible your positive influence of enjoying life and working on improving yourself while still being married and faithful will make her realise she doesn't have to dump you to have what she wants in life.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: trial separation unhappy wife*



moses said:


> i do get the feeling that years of me being a normal type guy have got her to a point of utter disrespect, she has been one of the most caring women you could imagine and has like just switched off by about 80% towards me if that makes sense, i do get the feeling that she has ended up feeling just damn trapped in life as she has few friends doesnt go anywhere or do much unless its with me and this and age has hit her like a train all in one go and her only answer seems to be getting me out her life by not loving me !!!!!!
> at moment i dont think she is willing enough to work on marriage because i know she has convinced herself she dont love me and we did have a heated debate last night and i totally stood my ground on my boundaries and what marriage means so hence it became heated.
> it just feels at moment she is sat on fence so to speak and if i put house up for sale and paid her off she wouldnt stop me in anyway but she hasnt done anything to start a d as yet and i think she just wants serious space to explore life without me in picture and yes that possibly could mean others.
> she isnt trying to disappear anywhere or do anything unusual that would suggest meet ups with others !!!! the only thing iv got is a couple of bad convos on fb but she has set up unrecognised device notifications on there now so i cant get on her account without her knowing !!!!!!!! so im just following var advice checking phone when i can the weekend with drphone and setting new life boudaries, god my arms ache from starting to work out and she has noticed and wasnt happy, she looked shocked when i said im joining a gym !!!!!
> anthony


Sorry bro, but so what. Who cares if she is on the fence, MLC, mad because you can't turn water into wine. 

She is STILL CHEATING, EA minimum. File for divorce. If she does not show remorse, proceed at the speed of light, thanking God for the guidance to get rid of her. If she does show remorse, you lay out what you are willing to accept. Then it is up to her. 

Btother. It sounds like you are starting to find some of your self respect. Find all of it. Now. Then act.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

moses said:


> i do get the feeling that years of me being a normal type guy have got her to a point of utter disrespect, she has been one of the most caring women you could imagine and has like just switched off by about 80% towards me if that makes sense, i do get the feeling that she has ended up feeling just damn trapped in life as she has few friends doesnt go anywhere or do much unless its with me and this and age has hit her like a train all in one go and her only answer seems to be getting me out her life by not loving me !!!!!!
> at moment i dont think she is willing enough to work on marriage because i know she has convinced herself she dont love me and we did have a heated debate last night and i totally stood my ground on my boundaries and what marriage means so hence it became heated.
> it just feels at moment she is sat on fence so to speak and if i put house up for sale and paid her off she wouldnt stop me in anyway but she hasnt done anything to start a d as yet and i think she just wants serious space to explore life without me in picture and yes that possibly could mean others.
> she isnt trying to disappear anywhere or do anything unusual that would suggest meet ups with others !!!! the only thing iv got is a couple of bad convos on fb but she has set up unrecognised device notifications on there now so i cant get on her account without her knowing !!!!!!!! so im just following var advice checking phone when i can the weekend with drphone and setting new life boudaries, god my arms ache from starting to work out and she has noticed and wasnt happy, she looked shocked when i said im joining a gym !!!!!
> anthony


Stop telling her what you're doing! Go to the gym and work out like mad. Good. Enjoy a walk or jog around the neighbourhood or go to a mall or something everynow and then. Do stuff without her but dont tell her. It sounds completely counter productive to "winning her back". But YOU CAN'T! In her mind its done. Now you have to start building yourself back up to the man you should be.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If she is exploring the idea of life without you, then you must explore the idea of life without her. It is possible that she is a WAW and you will never get her back. There is a some (less than 50 percent) chance that she will discover that you are okay.

The best way make that likely is to not be be dependent on her. If you are happy and moving on, she may want to catch the train.

I agree with the poster above. Do not talk about the gym or other changes in your life. Just do them.

As to filing for divorce. You can be the dumper instead of the dumpee or you can wait. The best thing now is to adopt the 180.


----------



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Moses,

After reading your last post (and I know I've said it before) I'm now pretty convinced she is having a mid life crisis. She is probably feeling so rubbish about herself and where she is in life that she is pulling away from you to cope. I wonder if it's worth considering seeing a professional for advice because handled correctly you guys might get through this ok. I really really think this needs more input from someone who really knows about this kind of dynamic. I'm not trying to bag the responses on this thread, I just think she might be depressed and it may be easier for you if you have professional support for yourself during this time.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> If she is exploring the idea of life without you, then you must explore the idea of life without her. It is possible that she is a WAW and you will never get her back. There is a some (less than 50 percent) chance that she will discover that you are okay.
> 
> The best way make that likely is to not be be dependent on her. If you are happy and moving on, she may want to catch the train.
> 
> ...


in the USA there is this "meetup" website, where local people DOING STUFF connect to meet as groups. Like if you enjoy mushroom picking in the woods, there might be a group that meets every other weekend to do just that, etc. It is not a dating type of site. You might want to try that, a good way to resurrect some old hobbies, find a few new friends with like interests,


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Stop telling her what you're doing! Go to the gym and work out like mad.


^^^^^THIS!

Women respond well to being kept in the dark from time to time. This is one of those times. Cultivate an air of mystery about what you're up to. Keep a relaxed, open faced, friendly persona on display to your wife, but do not discuss anything deeper than the weather. Dig?

If I didnt already tell you, get a book off Amazon called "The New HIT" by Darden. It's cheap, yet invaluable. You'll change your body and triple your present strength in about a year on 3 X 15-20 minute workouts a week. He's got a couple of plans in there, but follow the one that takes a year to do. His advice on using creatine is old, so follow the current advice on that.

Change your hair cut and upgrade your wardrobe so its into the next upward social class, too. That will really bug the hell out of your wife.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i do get feeling that she is feeling utterly miserable about life and herself but also know she wouldnt see a proffessional its just not her thing and feel a little that she blames me for feeling this way instead of expanding life herself she blames me for feeling down if that makes sense so im following the 180 approach and showing her a totally different me.
wev always prob had a very co-dependent relationship and this may be her way of breaking into a new way of living and shes just ended up feeling trapped and down not knowing how too acheive that or what she wants even !!!!!! 
very misguided too talking to others in the way she did and i am persuing that line just for my own peace of mind but i do feel a crisis meltdown fits better what iv seen mostly and her head may of thought the grass was greener blended into the mix slightly with her being so down and wanting out.
im holding back on any big confronts unless i find more and solid evidence of cheating physically etc i could cope with what iv seen so far although very pissed by it too and it would need dealing with properly at some point but i dont think she is thinking right enough to do that now.
i dont feel im on a roller coaster by the way after implemeting some of the advice and has also made me feel more in control of my actions at least.
thanks for treating me as a friend and advising everyone and will keep u guys advised of anything happening etc
thanks machiaevelli very sound advice
anthony


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Dude, you need to seriously go dark on her, listen to what others are saying here. She's on the fence? Thats putting it lightly, she's looking at her options, she wants space to see what guy can set her up the best, your plan b in case things dont work out. Quit being a doormat for her to walk all over.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

In your situation I don't think the "why" matters. Mid-life crisis, abused as a child, you treating her like crap previously, those are excuses. At this point she has already cheated (at LEAST emotionally). Analyzing the way at this point is futile.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't believe in doing the detective thing. If I asked my partner to see her phone or FB account and she refused I would automatically assume the worst and make my decisions accordingly.

You can search until you're blue in the face. Just because you don't find direct evidence doesn't mean she hasn't or isn't cheating. I'd rather run the rish of leaving a woman I didn't trust who really wasn't cheating on me than go through the heartache of staying with her wondering whether or not she was.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

moses said:


> bought wondershare dr phone last night thanks to guspolinkski advice and i would presume as long as i have password which i have as long as she aint changed it, its safe to login from another computer, i know some systems send sms txts etc to warn of unknown devices or would advice be too use home comp as i really dont want to run risk of spooking wifey.
> whatever i find i will keep my cool and not say a word before i ask advice here first, its took me nearly all week to calm my head and i spent first week home an absolute wreck being told she wanted out etc and she seems to have given up saying that at moment but i am feeling ok in myself a bit more, think i feel a little more in control than i did last week.
> best regards
> anthony


It's perfectly safe. No alert will be sent.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't believe in doing the detective thing. If I asked my partner to see her phone or FB account and she refused I would automatically assume the worst and make my decisions accordingly.
> 
> You can search until you're blue in the face. Just because you don't find direct evidence doesn't mean she hasn't or isn't cheating. I'd rather run the rish of leaving a woman I didn't trust who really wasn't cheating on me than go through the heartache of staying with her wondering whether or not she was.


I agree w/ this, but some people just need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And if knowing -- and having proof -- could potentially help in a divorce settlement, then why not dig?


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The whole idea of "trial separation" is bogus. Trial for what?

Tell her you either separate permanently (divorce) or you don't. You are OK with it either way. If you do, then it's the 180 until things are final. If you don't, then you can discuss counseling. But only on the condition that she stops all contact with these guys and goes completely transparent.

Sounds unlikely that she would agree to the latter in her current state of mind. If she doesn't, you say "Fine. I'm not staying married to you under these conditions." See a lawyer and show her papers.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> And if knowing -- and having proof -- could potentially help in a divorce settlement, then why not dig?


This is the one reason I would agree with playing detective...if it could have a bearing on the divorce settlement. I don't know that it has a bearing in too many jurisdictions anymore though.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Moses, say this to yourself and repeat it until you get it. 

My wife is cheating with a married man. I'm in her way. 

She has one foot out the door and you're scratching your head. Your not listening to us or your wife

All the other mans wife and blow this sh!t up. You keep stalling and and the next thing we hear from you is " you all were right I have screwed this up."


----------



## razgor (May 8, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> It's perfectly safe. No alert will be sent.


Yep, logging into a iCloud account does not send any notification. Pulling the backups does not cause any notification. Facebook can be setup to send notifications, so be careful there. So does gmail or google accounts.

Also, with her apple id you can track her movements throughout the day. Just go to www.icloud.com and log in using her apple id and password. Then run the "find my iPhone" icon. It will show exactly where her phone is at on a map. You can do that from any computer. Easy to keep tabs on her movements. And there is ZERO risk of being discovered.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

moses said:


> i put house up for sale and paid her off she wouldnt stop me in anyway but she hasnt done anything to start a d as yet and i think she just wants serious space to explore life without me in picture and yes that possibly could mean others.


 She is having inappropriate conversations with other men, has told you that she does not love you, "wants serious space to explore life" and relationships with other men, has locked you out of her phone, refuses to respect normal marital boundaries, and yet you continue to make excuses for her. The reality is that if she is not already cheating, she will be cheating, and she will do so without remorse. 

In order to have a chance at saving this marriage, you must be willing to end it. You need to sell the house, and file for divorce and mean it. Do not beg or try to talk her into working on the marriage. If she tries to discuss working things out, do not be too easy to accept this, as she may be just checking if she can have you back so that she can treat you like a plan B. Only if she really fears losing you will she really think things through. It is not a sure thing that she will choose marriage to you over ending the marriage, but it gives you the best odds, with the side benefit to preserving your self respect.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

moses said:


> oh by way iv refused a week ago to move out and have said love u we are married and if you want out theres the door !!!!!!! prob not right way to go just being honest so you guys may advise thanks


That's more like it. That's the first smart thing you've done. Hopefully many more will follow. Don't even leave your master bedroom, let her leave. 

You are rewarding her for disrupting your life and that of 3 children she pledged to put before her selfish whims. No more flowers or trying to nice her, she is not confused she is having an A either EA or PA. 

Go into investigative mode. Prepare yourself for the worse and plan accordingly. Don't chase her, cool things way down, she does not appreciate nor deserve you attention. Turn away and take care of yourself and your children. She does not want to be part of your life so give her a taste of what that life will be like. Separate finances, if she does not work she needs to get a job, start preparing for dating again. 

Update your look, start outside interest, dinner with coworker or friends. Take the kids places without your wife. Practice being on your own as a father and socially and opening up to new relationships in general. Not dating just what you would do if you got D minis dating.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

moses said:


> i actually backed right off yesterday and just had few smiles and stuff with kids etc and started working out last night for the first time ever and wife walked past and said who you trying too impress yourself !!! obviously didnt go unnoticed  its prob daily interaction ill struggle with as typical nice grounded type bloke that will do all the wrong things
> thanks weightlifter will try to look at some stuff but i can tell wife has gone on a total lockdown with all her accounts etc so i am treading very carefully at moment
> anthony


Foot massage? Why are you doing that? What do you hope to gain? She already thinks she can do anything she wants and you will tolerate it. You are practically asking her to kick you with a please thrown in for good measure. She is not being a good wife and mother so don't treat her like a prized partner. Cool off and concentrate on getting ready for a new life, just in case you need.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

the last week i have backed off massively and taking a lot better care of myself and feel a lot more relaxed in myself, not easy going into the right frame of mind after being the other way for 25 years but i do agree with everyones advice and 
thanks for kick up the bum but its far from easy to get right and will take me a while to do so probably !!!!! 

not easy being the person you need to be at a time like this but the working out and stuff has hit a nerve with her and iv started push biking for an hr every night not saying a word when i go anywhere etc god its killed me off doing this excercise stuff but i am starting to actually enjoy it and have radically altered my meals and going clothe shopping later along with two eldest girls !!!!!

yes have got my head around the fact im being treated like a plan b by a wife in fantasy land with her feet out the door and even if its only emotional online stuff thats happened i am going to do all the var and icloud stuff for a while but these convos do need dealing with and im not sure when really as we did have a blowout at the time i found convos and was assured it wouldnt happen again !!!!! dont beleive that at moment either but i wouldnt end my marriage over what iv seen so far.

they happened while i was away working by the way and her fb was left logged on so hence i saw them and she knew i saw them hence she has battoned down the hatches on her fb account, if she was still talking to these guys it would prob be on her phone now so i hope icloud and drphone sheds some light as i feel i need to know a little more before another confront with this subject.
she had been extremely miserable and down for months before this stuff happened not wanting to go anywhere or do anything even with the girls behaving withdrawn with most people. 

by the way her mood is better last few days and not sure if thats because she feels she has got away with something or me changing myself !!! perhaps both and i need to really step up the changing me stuff and kick her ass into the kerb soon !!!!
thanks so much guys 
anthony


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She is still in contact, you can bet on it. That's why she locked everything down. Her being down is because her plan was to kick you out and you refused to go.

There will be nonreal progress until you tell the other man's wife what he is doing. Yes she warned you not to do that. They always say that. They don't want their affair killed. After you do it,.he will contact her and she will go off on you. She will probably say, "I was going to pick you until you did this." They almost always do.

Make no mistake, what he wants is her in bed, he doesn't want to mess up his family for a piece of a$$ though 90% of the time.

Emotional affairs are as bad or worse than just physical affairs.

Being weak is pushing your wife to the other man. He isn't weak, he steals other men's wives. Weak men are unattractive to women. Quit fawning over her, no more cuddles, foot rubs, kisses etc. Show her what she is going to miss when you're gone.

Keep chagin yourself and taking care of your kids.

Get the two books linked to below, they will explain exactly what's going on in her brain. You can also download them at amazon.com.

Be strong and manly, no whinning begging or pleading. Let her know you will be fine with her or a new younger woman.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

thanks chapparel I am getting to grips that that is the case and it will prob only die down for a while until the chatting starts again when they think iv cooled off, yes there are other issues going on too in this situation but think it will have to be a head on attack as I have found that one of the guys I knew she was chatting with online is my two eldest daughters driving instructor wtf !!!!!!! wouldn't be so bad he is a good driving instructor !!!!

bloody fb is one dangerous place and I only found this out as I recognised his last name on his instruction car when he picked eldest up and checked her fb profile and there he was same guy she was chatting with, may only find the depth of it by digging deeper but I am keeping quiet until iv searched iphone properly and ran a var for a while but it was certainly highly sexually driven chat inappropriate for a marriage !!!!!

i have managed to access her main e-mail account and nothing there of concern and have also installed a keylogger on comp but iv no intention of staying a paranoid detective husband !!!!
anthony


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The VAR often gets results rather quickly. Sometimes its indirect but tells you EXACTLY where and when to look.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

No one wants to be a lifetime detective but for the present you detect to keep from being made a fool.

Your number one responsibility is to protect your family and yourself. You do what you have to do. Your family is under attack by other men looking for cheap thrills.

Fire the driving instructor. Men that take action are attractive. Men that let themselves be taken advantage of are repulsive to women. Period.

The two books listed to below are the ones most recommended on this site. Its because they work.

here is a link to the 180 also The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Expose POSOM in Cheaterville. It will sting him professionally. Don't name your wife. You can run the text by us here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

yes I seriously understand that and my family is my life but if that ends up me and three girls so be it as they aint gonna be too impressed and one main reason I wish for more evidence it would move the girls more in dads direction so to speak.
oh my the going out not saying where and other stuff is hitting a nerve and thought id add to it by working out gently for an hr or so  going to be out house tomorrow and just vanish for the morning as I really don't feel she deserves to know anything im doing 
my home is pretty much paid for here and I have spoken to a bank and I can afford a buy out if it goes nasty but lets see for a while and I was just exploring the options by working out what id need if she does go serious d and I can just about do it  
mood has been quite neutral last two days after 3 weeks nearly of full on out stuff and I got two txts off her earlier but didn't bother replying
thanks for being guiding friends I have found you guys really supportive and helpful
anthony


----------



## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I really don't understand the "trial separation" is this supposed to allow your wife to test drive some other men and see if she really wants to keep you or not? I mean who the hell with even a shred of self-respect signs up for this?

If my wife wanted a "trial-separation" I would reward her with a life-time supply at no extra cost.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

cuchulain36 said:


> I really don't understand the "trial separation" is this supposed to allow your wife to test drive some other men and see if she really wants to keep you or not? I mean who the hell with even a shred of self-respect signs up for this?
> 
> If my wife wanted a "trial-separation" I would reward her with a life-time supply at no extra cost.


:iagree:
_Trial separation_ = freedom to see other men and come back to Moses when she has had her fill. If she meets someone she thinks is better, she will make the trial permanent. 

Make it a legal separation to protect your resources and proceed with a D. She may come to her senses before she walks out the door when she sees that you will not be on retainer. I would make to clear to her that if she leaves to try out other men, she can consider herself D'ed.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i have more than spelled it out to her that i aint leaving and if she does she will have to do all the stress and hard work of d and i think thats why nothing has happened yet as she wants me to fund her life without me on scene, perhaps it boils down to she has had a little male attention by way of fb and wants a lot more and cant do this unless she thinks we are separated !!!!!

im not totally convinced that the other men were a serious longterm plan in her mind and really do feel that this is more about her feeling she has missed out on life badly and depressing herself into the floor from being pretty much stay at home mom etc etc i feel trapped etc etc 

its also worth pointing out her brother died about 11 months ago and im not sure if this has stirred the mix so to speak and id hate to misinterpret things and mess this up !!!!!!!!
i do know if i asked the question she would say dont love you rather live alone but she has calmed a lot from 3 weeks ago. my first week back she was breaking down in tears and everything and she is probably trying to work out in her mind what to do next as i wont budge out house and most the rants are about feeling miserable and unhappy and trapped with no feelings for me.

as i said we are either married or divorced no trial separations as you can get all the space you want while married and work on life together in a mutually respectful way.
i am implemeting a type of 180 approach after reading a few times but wev had 9 odd months of barely communicating anyway with little closeness from both sides so how do you approach that correctly !!!!!!
just further food for thought
anthony


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read the 180 carefully, be cheerful, strong and calm. The 180 isn't about being a jerk or mean or most of all argumentative. Its about being a better person,.improving yourself and being strong.

If she wants to talk let her, just don't accept being yelled at or being bashed.........you're not the one in afairs.

Tell her since you won't be together long, the sta at home thing is over and she needs to find a job.

Divide the bank accts in half and quit putting money in hers.

Tell her she's been depressed since her brother died and she needs counseling. Many cheaters here start while depressed. She needs help.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

yes she does have access to all family money but i seriously dont think she will or would do anything that rash, things have actually improved over weekend and i have followed advice by letting her talk but as much as poss sticking to advice here and perhaps following the advice and distancing myself and changing myself has pulled her back a bit.
had a lovely time sat buying new clothes just me and the two girls  they got spoilt too and yes got the who you trying to impress comments 

i have secured my business as best as poss over last two weeks via accountant and sold two motorbikes to a friend of course and any assets i can safely move i have started doing so  although i seriously dont think her meltdown has been anything of a serious d threat i need to take it seriously !!!! i believe the main driving force is exploring life and brother dying may of made all this surface and being under same roof with me she cant explore life so to speak.

i managed to check her phone and other stuff as much as poss weekend and nothing of concern has surfaced but i fully intend to kick the one guy in to touch by sending his wife copies of messages on fb although of a sexual nature there wasnt any indication of meet ups or anything physical happening it still made bad reading and if my wife wants to storm out house over it or blow a fit byeeeee, i want my wife to know how threatened her family life is by her actions and how serious i am about trust in a marriage, i dont mind her having friends and talking to people but if they aint a friend of our marriage they aint no friend of mine !!!!!

she leads a very good life and no way am i going to live thinking that sort of stuff is happening i deserve better than that, we are not rich and its all been done the hard way but most our friends think we are loaded !!!!!!

yes i do think brother passing hit her very hard and being a stay at home mom with few friends or social life too and she has just questioned life in a not good way so will try and get her some help and some hobbies and interests in a guiding quiet way.

i am going to monitor her phone and keep a very close eye on her too for a while and keep up the advice given so far it seems to be working or at least hitting the right buttons  getting me fitter thats for sure 

thanks for listening guys while i vent as i work so much for my family and dont have many people i trust
anthony


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> i managed to check her phone and other stuff as much as poss weekend and nothing of concern has surfaced but i fully intend to kick the one guy in to touch by sending his wife copies of messages on fb although of a sexual nature there wasnt any indication of meet ups or anything physical happening it still made bad reading and if my wife wants to storm out house over it or blow a fit byeeeee, i want my wife to know how threatened her family life is by her actions and how serious i am about trust in a marriage, i dont mind her having friends and talking to people but if they aint a friend of our marriage they aint no friend of mine !!!!!


:iagree:


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

well guys muck certainly got worse and been a crap year family wise  wife i eventually found out after last xmas was seeing yet another guy !!!!! i started d bombing her and attempted to buy her out which sent her nuts aagainst me ( very fair d offer by way ) her affair partner is a memeber of a well known biker group and i received threats for her to keep house or bad would happen and everything which ended up with me seeing police.

at moment im awaiting a court date for a financial settlement hearing and have just been awarded full costs on divorce application, my three girls dont speak cause i wont give mom house and she has moved biker boy into my house too !!!!!!! not all bad as im being looked after by a lovely new lady in my life and she has also been hassled by wife and has also got police on wife to keep clear.

very sad when she was one doing the dirty and wont leave me be and in peace, all in i could hate her but just isnt in my nature for destroying our family and yes i did try all the 180 stuff and nearly got myself into whole lot of trouble for trying to win her back, at one time she threw herself against doors smiling shall i call police on you and thats when i departed the home.

do i love her still !!!!! yes but divorce her i am and shame on her and that scum she bought into my families world
all the best guys and just an update wish it was better news marriage wise but im good  suffered a lot of dark moments and still get down days and also have to watch my back everywhere locally


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't you have any custody of your own daughters?

That is not good for them.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

hi my youngest is 18 in april and to be fair they have been awful through this but mom is gifted at painting a bad picture of me best regards


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Don't you have any custody of your own daughters?
> 
> That is not good for them.


The daughters are adults.

OP, do the daughters know that she cheated on you and is the one who wanted to end the marriage?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did he turn out to be who she was cheating with when this all started?

How did she get to be hanging out with biker boys?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

moses said:


> hi been married 25yrs she is 44 and im 48 and last 9 months have been quite bad from both sides of us, wife wants space and has suggested 3 month trial separation and this came after I was away working for 3 weeks which I haven't done before. things had been difficult but iv come back to this bombshell and did find she had been talking to men online in a not good way too but found nothing more, we haven't shared any closeness in months and now she barely tolerates me in the room !!!!!!
> love this woman to pieces and really don't know how to approach this as she will let me hug her put hand on her lap etc but no kissing or intimacy and she seems very cold and I think I put it down to 9 hard unloving months with two high end rows and thinking she has missed out on life seems too bug her.
> many thanks for any insight but how do I get the idea of splitting divorce out her head.
> anthony


So, when does she move out?


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

to be honest the driving instructor was i believe just a test run for an affair and although i thought id shook her out of it she continued loving male attention at any cost !!!!!!!!!! she just seemed determined to get another man and her current choice i think is to put frightners on me for divorce settlement but im going full scorched earth in the courts and family is looking afer me thanks guys


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did she move biker boy in ? Why did you move out ?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, boy. A well known Biker Group?

Really? Anyone can claim to be part of a biker gang.

Not all of them are.

However best to be careful.

Might be useful to use the 180 on your daughters, too.

Eventually they will learn the truth and will come back to you.

If they don't, then that's on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She is out of this marriage. No begging on your part will help. Let her leave.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i left house after about two months of madness where at times she was very aggresive and threating to get cops on me doing stuff like banging on doors saying ouch shall i call police !!!!!!! chucking stuff around etc etc and it just got too much for me so i ejected the building and i had already started divorce before i left, he sorta moved in a few weeks later and id known about them for a few months before this all kicked off, id been attempting a buy out before id left and had raised money to do so but she sorta derailed when i did !!!!!!! she had agreed a sum then went nuts when i got solicitors involved best regards


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I know it must have been difficult but you shouldn't have left - you should have carried a VAR on you at all times and recorded every interaction with her. This would protect you against her calling the cops etc.

You should have made it hard for her to move the guy in and disrupted her affair as much as possible.

Any way thats done now and you should move on as quickly as possible. And continue to carry a VAR on you whenever interacting with her.


----------



## moses (Jan 5, 2013)

i do realise i shouldnt of left but family friends begged me to get out the threat to my self, id had enough and have just filed form a with courts as she wont be amicable, i seriously thought id end up in prison or beaten up if im honest and on top of affair enough was enough and yes he is a member of a well known biker club of the not nice variety.
ill let you all know where divorce settlement ends up and hope she gets what she wants !!!!!! not
best regards
anthony


----------

