# At a loss



## adb1978 (Mar 31, 2010)

Frankly, I'm at a loss as to what to do from here. I'm currently married...10 years (been with my wife for 14 though)...4 boys.

For the first 8 years of our marriage we lived in the South...close to my family. 2 years ago...I found out my wife was having an affair with a really good friend of mine. She was prepared for divorce and was taking my kids to her family out west. After some soul searching and many discussions about us... we decided to keep it together. I quit my job...and we packed up our things and we moved out west. It was very tough on me. I didn't think i would adjust for the longest time... but eventually things started settling in. 

While healing from the affair...things started to get better in the marriage. I thought things were on the right track...until my wife changed about 6 months ago. She was getting short with me... short with the kids. It was clear that something was really bothering her. Sex became almost non-existent and when it happened... we'll just say not that great.

Last night... we had a conversation about what has been bothering her lately. She then starts talking about how bad she feels about me and the kids... she says she is a bad mother and bad wife. Then she tells me that she doesn't believe she loves me anymore and that the only reason that she is still with me right now is for the kids. 

She went (with kids) to her parents house for a couple of days while i have time to digest what's going on... and frankly I'm at a loss. She wants to see a specialist for depression...which I'm all for...but she wants me to wait and see if she gets better and can love me again. I've already had patience through something that could have destroyed our marriage...I just don't know if I can do it again.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you feel you cannot do it again, then don't. Make sure you think about the impact on the kids, but keep in mind that if you can let go without anger--sadness, yes, but without anger--then the kids will be ok. It's tough on them but they can learn and grow if you guide them and make good choices yourself along the way.

Right now, you are in a position to be the one to make the choice. That is a huge responsibility, but if you KNOW you will be too angry, if she decides down the road to leave, to face the divorce in a way that will keep the kids from undue suffering, then think seriously about taking on that responsibility for them and for yourself. Your wife may not like it, but she made her choice when she had the affair and clearly isn't happy in the marriage right now, either. Better that you agree to part than one of you just walking out--an amicable divorce (doesn't mean you will be anger-free, but maybe a lot less angry) will be easier on the kids.

You are entitled to happiness. Just go about it with a clear head and your kids' needs equally at the forefront. You can follow your happiness even if it puts bumps in the kids' road, because they will learn so much from seeing you go through this and from experiencing this themselves (with your guidance). Taking a stand for yourself is not selfish--it is teaching your kids that they have a right to stand up for themselves, too, even if it causes others some pain. They'll learn how to cope with sadness, too. Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

adb1978: I understand what you are going thru. Exactly a year ago this evening I was told something simular. I now have been away from my family for 5 month and see no resolution to the situation. At some point you will look at what you need to make you happy because that is what is important. Yes, My wife to is suffering from depresssion will she get help? I don't know. Will it help? who knows.
I will do everything I can do to make my kids happy and then it is my turn. My wife any you wife will have to figure out on there own what they want in life. But they can't wait forever
Good Luck


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I can kinda relate to your story. My wife walked out the door on 1/28 of this year. Since we have been separated I have learned a decent bit about her that I wasn't ever told by anyone. From what I have learned my wife has deep issues that affect her choices and judgement. Knowing what I know now I am not so angry or bitter with her. True it still hurts very much but I can empathize why she has done what she has. 

What I am getting around to is maybe your wife is suffering from depression and maybe has been for a long time. That might of been the cause of the affair which you might still have resentments about. 

A lot of people around me are quick to say just drop my wife. But I ask them , if your wife tonight comes down with something that will change your marriage and your life together forever on its head. Would you divorce her ? All of them say no. It is easy when it is the unknown your playing with. But when you can see and understand whats wrong with them , it makes it a little bit different.

I suggest you do a lot of soul searching and find out who you are and what your values are. Then pray and hopefully you will get an answer in what you are to do.


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