# Where to begin



## Han1621 (4 mo ago)

So my husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2. We have recently brought a house and there have been many arguments. Last night my husband told me that he thinks he might be asexual and wanted to know where we go from here as he knows I have recently become very sexual. He's admitted that sex and everything around it grosses him out and he's very uncomfortable with it so doesn't want to have sex again. He admitted that he knows this will put a strain on our relationship and asked would I really be willing to live a sexless life if I stay with him or did I want to consider an open marriage? Or is there a countdown on our relationship. I don't know what to do as I don't feel like I can purely have sex with a man without some emotional connection. But at the same time I can't go forever without it and I don't want to lose my husband over this but I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to make an open marriage work or what I do from here is appreciated.

Edit:
Thank you for all your replies it has helped me think. He said that he has always felt this way bit wanted to make me happy but I guess that has stopped. He said he had never thought about his sexuality until he met someone who is non binary and they explained everything to him and he thought about himself. I was hoping this was a phase as he is bipolar but it's been going on too long now to be part of the cycle. I just wish he was honest with me from the start of our relationship cause although I've had a great few years and he's pushed me to be better, I guess it feels somewhat wasted cause I never got to live my early 20s like a normal non married person.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if you try a open marriage you put yourself at risk of STDs 
all depends on what way you love your husband ,
but he did not turn off sex over night he was in a relationship with you for years , and it takes him nearly 7 years to tell you the truth , 
you need to inform yourself on ethical none monogamy 
What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?





Ethical Non-Monogamy 101: Basics & Rules For Practicing ENM | mindbodygreen


Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of ethical non-monogamy, or ENM. The rules vary depending on the people involved.




www.mindbodygreen.com


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If he is unwilling to be in a sexually intimate relationship with you, he’s not your husband.

Sex is a key, foundational pillar of marriage. Without sex and sexual intimacy, you’re just friends and roommates.
And an open marriage is generally a very bad solution as well. You may get your sexual needs met by another but you’ll never have that intimate connection with your husband, so what’s the point?
Do you want that for the rest of your life?

Also, it would be pretty unusual for him to suddenly declare himself asexual (in addition to truly asexual people being extremely rare). What else is going on with him?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it takes a lot to get your head around been told by someone that you love and they say they love you , they will never again have sex with you , "it's not you it's speech" 
Does *your partner enjoys kissing or cuddles or receiving or giving massages* 
is he open to this 
you are not leaving the relationship yet so do take the time to make the right choose for you 
look up information on living with a person that has no need for sex


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I wonder , is your husband is asking for an open marriage because he wants a green light to have sex with other people ? Would you be willing to have sex with other men, just to meet your sexual needs ? Some here will say it works for some. For me it would not. Don't you think having sex with others , will bring on feelings and emotions...IE , you could fall for your sex partner ? Seems like here on TAM it's a slippery subject . The pro advise will be , you have to do your research. You have to have clear boundaries. It worked for me and my wife , poly - whatever the F they call it...

Personally, if my wife wanted to open up our marriage , I would tell her , if you open that door , then go thru it and keep in going. I'm not sharing her with someone else. At that point it wouldn't be a marriage . 

I get that you are sexually frustrated..Maybe talk to a trained professional that deals with sexual issues. I would pull out all stops before saying it's OK to sleep with others. 

Because for ME , there would no longer be a marriage .

I'm just curious, was there some event that flipped the switch with his sexuality or has it been going downhill for a while ? 

Is it possible that your husband already has another love interest , and is just trying to bait you into it as well ?

Just my 2 cents , good luck , Jimi


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just divorce. He’s told you the truth. That truth in incompatible with you being happy. Regardless of the reason, he doesn’t want to have sex with you and that’s unlikely to change long term even if the doc found out he has low T. Also, if that’s really how he felt, he married you under false pretenses.
Accept the bad deal for what it is and wrap up this chapter and start a new one with someone that likes having sex with you and doesn’t worry about cooties.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How was your sex life together before you were married and since? Any chance he has health issues (low testosterone, etc)?

An open marriage is never a good idea. So put that out of your mind. I never encourage divorce unless infidelity is involved. But sex is a vital part of marriage. So unfortunately, it may be something you need to consider eventually.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If he has become asexual, it's not (necessarily) his fault. Sometimes we have no control over what we feel. At least he was honest with you. It only gets worse from here. The reality is that, in all likelihood, your marriage is over. You will not be able to live with him being asexual. Just make sure he's telling you the truth. Sometimes spouses cheat, and they don't want to cheat on their APs.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Han1621 said:


> So my husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2. We have recently brought a house and there have been many arguments. Last night my husband told me that he thinks he might be asexual and wanted to know where we go from here as he knows I have recently become very sexual. He's admitted that sex and everything around it grosses him out and he's very uncomfortable with it so doesn't want to have sex again. He admitted that he knows this will put a strain on our relationship and asked would I really be willing to live a sexless life if I stay with him or did I want to consider an open marriage? Or is there a countdown on our relationship. I don't know what to do as I don't feel like I can purely have sex with a man without some emotional connection. But at the same time I can't go forever without it and I don't want to lose my husband over this but I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to make an open marriage work or what I do from here is appreciated.


What was sex like with him in the beginning of your relationship? Do you know if he masturbates or watches porn?

I can tell you that if you are a sexual person, masturbation for the rest of your life - if you choose to try to remain monogamous (celibate) with him - IS NOT sustainable. You will be miserable.

It's very difficult to give advice without more details about your relationship and situation, so hopefully you will come back to answer our questions.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Han1621 said:


> and I don't want to lose my husband over this but I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to make an open marriage work


Your best bet is divorce. Open marriages are not for the faint-hearted. It requires absolute compartmentalization of what's at home and what's on the outside, plus a very strong bond between the partners. Specially for many women, having other (s) sex partners most likely will lead to an eventual transfer of feelings and sentiments from your partner to one, or the one lover, leading to divorce anyways. So, why waste time? It's better to go for a clean sheet were you can have all the loving, and emotional connection that you'd want. Just don't waste any more time of life. Life is short.


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## Han1621 (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> What was sex like with him in the beginning of your relationship? Do you know if he masturbates or watches porn?
> 
> I can tell you that if you are a sexual person, masturbation for the rest of your life - if you choose to try to remain monogamous (celibate) with him - IS NOT sustainable. You will be miserable.
> 
> It's very difficult to give advice without more details about your relationship and situation, so hopefully you will come back to answer our questions.


At the beginning of the relationship I can honestly say it wasn't anything special, we never had that phase where we were all ove each other. He doesn't masturbate or watch porn. He said his own penis freaks him out and he doesn't like it. He just finds everything about sex gross.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Han1621 said:


> He said his own penis freaks him out and he doesn't like it. He just finds everything about sex gross.


i may get bashed, but he may have some mental issues. I would get out while you can.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SCDad01 said:


> i may get bashed, but he may have some mental issues. I would get out while you can.


Of course, he has to have something wrong in his brain. OPs statement that his own penis freaks him out, is an aberration, an abnormal behavior. 

She needs out, but I think that she's desperate to find a solution to stay in the marriage with such an individual. If so, then I don't think that she's doing herself any favors. Probably too afraid.


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## Han1621 (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> i may get bashed, but he may have some mental issues. I would get out while you can.


He has bipolar


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Han1621 said:


> He has bipolar


Why would you want to stay with an individual that has mental illness? I hope that you are not having children with such an individual. Would you like your children (if any) to chance inherit his mental illness? Think about that.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> i may get bashed, but he may have some mental issues. I would get out while you can.


Why would you get bashed? Based on OP’s description, he is clearly mentally unwell. 
The guy is freaked out by his own ****, he’s clearly not someone to be in a relationship with.


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## Han1621 (4 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Why would you want to stay with an individual that has mental illness? I hope that you are not having children with such an individual. Would you like your children (if any) to chance inherit his mental illness? Think about that.


I think that's a bit rude seeing as I myself have mental health issues as well. Our marriage vows were in sickness and in health, he can't help his mental health its genetic


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Han1621 said:


> I think that's a bit rude seeing as I myself have mental health issues as well. Our marriage vows were in sickness and in health, he can't help his mental health its genetic


Just because you also have mental health problems does not in any way negates the biological fact that what I said about not having children is rude or incorrect. 

Do you understand genetics? Do you understand that specially coming from two individuals that have mental problems having children is not just bad but an irresponsible act towards whatever progeny you might have. That's so selfish. 

Now, if you two want to be together and not procreate, then go ahead in sickness and/or health.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

Han1621 said:


> I think that's a bit rude seeing as I myself have mental health issues as well. Our marriage vows were in sickness and in health, he can't help his mental health its genetic


I think it's admirable of you to take that position.

But while I don't think one should give up on a marriage easily, I don't think the phrase "in sickness or in health" encompasses a situation like yours and a refusal to have sexual relations with your spouse was and is still a basis for divorce everywhere I'm familiar with.

If he is bipolar, that means he goes back and forth from mania to depression, correct? Is this "asexuality" maybe just a phase? 

Then again, his statements about being disgusted by sex are pretty unequivocal. If you need it, and he feels that way about it, it doesn't sound very likely to change


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Han1621 said:


> he met someone who is non binary and they explained everything to him and he thought about himself. I was hoping this was a phase as he is bipolar but it's been going on too long now to be part of the cycle. I just wish he was honest with me from the start of our relationship cause although I've had a great few years and he's pushed me to be better, I guess it feels somewhat wasted cause I never got to live my early 20s like a normal non married person.


1) His relationship with this non binary person may indicate that he wants sex just not from women.
2) He was not honest with you and married you under false pretense. Thus the vows you took with him are invalid and non-binding. The “In sickness and in health” vow would additionally not apply because the issue is not about sickness, it is about him deceiving you about his true nature.
3) Based on you only being married for such a short period of time, and you saying that you “never got to live my early 20s like a normal non married person”, you are still young and can do a reset with someone that wants the type of marriage that you do.

Divorce and do not look back. Your happiness matters.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Han1621 said:


> I think that's a bit rude seeing as I myself have mental health issues as well. Our marriage vows were in sickness and in health, he can't help his mental health its genetic


_To stay together, In sickness and in health._

That is very kind and understanding of you, but not very helpful.

As I see it, you must either break your vows, or suffer without intimacy.
That is the only answer, employing your vowed restraints.

An open marriage will eventually lead to divorce.
Thus, I recommend divorce, this path will have fewer hiccups, pickups, those complications.

..............................................................................
Let me ask this....
Are you _not _marriage material?
Is it _likely_ and fair to say, that no man will have you?

If so, then stay married and self pleasure yourself.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Han1621 said:


> So my husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2. We have recently brought a house and there have been many arguments. Last night my husband told me that he thinks he might be asexual and wanted to know where we go from here as he knows I have recently become very sexual. He's admitted that sex and everything around it grosses him out and he's very uncomfortable with it so doesn't want to have sex again. He admitted that he knows this will put a strain on our relationship and asked would I really be willing to live a sexless life if I stay with him or did I want to consider an open marriage? Or is there a countdown on our relationship. I don't know what to do as I don't feel like I can purely have sex with a man without some emotional connection. But at the same time I can't go forever without it and I don't want to lose my husband over this but I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to make an open marriage work or what I do from here is appreciated.
> 
> Edit:
> Thank you for all your replies it has helped me think. He said that he has always felt this way bit wanted to make me happy but I guess that has stopped. He said he had never thought about his sexuality until he met someone who is non binary and they explained everything to him and he thought about himself. I was hoping this was a phase as he is bipolar but it's been going on too long now to be part of the cycle. I just wish he was honest with me from the start of our relationship cause although I've had a great few years and he's pushed me to be better, I guess it feels somewhat wasted cause I never got to live my early 20s like a normal non married person.


Just open the M as soon as you can. Bring the guy or gal home, yell surprise!

It will end all the guesswork.


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## Han1621 (4 mo ago)

Update for anyone interested we have separated and I don't think any of the situation is fair for me and if we are both honest we haven't been happy for a very long time. Cause we own a house together and we came to the decision mutually we are staying married till we legally or financially need to be. I'm ready to move on and find someone who will treat me with more respect.


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