# where to go from here?



## damaged (Jul 28, 2011)

Hello everyone.

About a year and a half ago I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me for some time with several people (installed a wire tap on my home phone). I heard every little detail on everything from one nighters to a 3 year relationship. We have 3 children together and have been married for 13 years so I figured I would give it a shot for my families sake. If there were no kids I would have left on day one and this is what I battle with. The only ones who suffer from me leaving both financially and emotionally are my kids, the only one who suffers from me staying is me. Do I still love my wife, yes. Am I in love with her, NO. Has anyone stuck it out for their kids? Am I just kidding myself and doing more harm than good?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm in the process of working through this same dilemma of 'stay for them vs go for me'... it's a rough one, no doubt.

I think the core question is if she will change or not, and whether you can believe in her or not. If she's going to continue what she's doing or not work to re-gain your trust, I don't see being able to stick through with any self-respect nor any level of happiness, even faking it for a while. 

If she is truly remorseful, stopping her activities, entering MC, giving you full transparency, and working with you at it, there's a chance it could work out to be worth the effort, that you could create a household that isn't tension-filled and mistrustful around the clock --- which after all is what it should really be about: Can you create a healthy environment, or is it just a financial arrangement where unhappiness oozes out consistently? If it isn't an environment where there's some level of comfort and essentially safety in their home life, imho the kids see it, feel it, know it, and are harmed by it. 

I've posted elsewhere that I will try to work it out and move past my wife's actions for the kid and because of the kid, but I will not stay in an unhappy home JUST for the kid. It wouldn't do him any good in the end to see a home with no love and no partnership in it. That's not the role model I want to provide.

It's been quite a while since your discovery, and yet here 18 months later you're stil lasking this question... sounds like things are not 'better' or good at all in your relationship, is that correct? I think the answer to sticking it out (or not) for the sake of the kids lies in how good or bad the marital relationship is recovering.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

damaged said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> About a year and a half ago I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me for some time with several people (installed a wire tap on my home phone). I heard every little detail on everything from one nighters to a 3 year relationship. We have 3 children together and have been married for 13 years so I figured I would give it a shot for my families sake. If there were no kids I would have left on day one and this is what I battle with. The only ones who suffer from me leaving both financially and emotionally are my kids, the only one who suffers from me staying is me. Do I still love my wife, yes. Am I in love with her, NO. Has anyone stuck it out for their kids? Am I just kidding myself and doing more harm than good?


Well i know that if it were not for my child I would have left on day one. However I feel right now, I stay because she is worth me fighting for my marriage. I am talking I am only settling for a good, healthy marriage. If my husband was not in counseling, us in marriage counseling I would not stay just for our daughters sake. I listened to my parents fight, stay together for the kids, well thanks to that I don't even know what a healthy marriage should look like. I personally feel in the end it will be a disservice to my daughter if my H and I stayed unhappily married for her. It is such a gigantic decision. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you outed her? I don't see this in your post.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get tested for STDs. And no sex with her til you get results back (her too).

Did you confront her about the cheating?

I think staying together for the kids is a bad idiea. Either stay with her cause you love her and want it to work (and she does what she needs to to make up for what she did) or move on.


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## damaged (Jul 28, 2011)

Thank you all for your feedback.

Yes I confronted her back when I found out. I/we said we would try and work things out and for a while things seemed to be working however as I'm sure with most of you, the mental vcr is always running and I had many bad and depressed days. I think this discouraged her efforts and it seems like there is less effort on her part now as I'm sure she thinks I should be over it in a year.

Because I would leave today if not for my kids I know the answer to my question of weather to stay or go however I say I would walk through fire not to hurt my kids. Isn't this easier than walking through fire? 2xloser, You hit my situation exactly.


Thank you all again, this is really the first time I am talking about this to someone other than my close friend and my brother so it helps to just write it down.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry, your kids will be no less damaged by you staying. That is unless you both are perfect actors regarding relationships. The kids will pick up on the dysfunction. They will be modeled a sterile relationship and that is no way for them to live. You don't think that they will end feeling "they just stayed together because of us". At least with the enforcement of boundaries they will understand that certain things (marriage, family) need to be protected. They will not feel that in the end. It would be better that you got single, got mentally healthy, focus on the kids, and focus on showing your children that even through betrayal and adversity, you and your kids can come out of this looking forward to relationships and not fearing them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What you seem to forget is that she also has the choice to end the marriage. With that in mind, doesn't it seem sensible to start getting your ducks in a row for the possibility of a divorce? Doing so would ensure that you would not get caught by surprise if she decides to file first. And you could start planning for a better future. If you'd like, click on the link below my signature, dadsdivorce.com: Lessons Learned - Before and During.

In the meantime, please consider getting counseling in order to help you overcome the mental images. I did and believe me that it helped me tremendously because the images that I had of my ex-wife and her OM having sex were not made up dramatizations that my mind conjured up but the real thing caught in a video the OM made of the two of them and sent to her via the web. So do yourself a favor and seek professional counseling to help you emotionally heal. You'll be glad you did.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> ...because the images that I had of my ex-wife and her OM having sex were not made up dramatizations that my mind conjured up but the real thing caught in a video the OM made of the two of them and sent to her via the web...


HOLY crap, OMG, I am so, so, so sorry to hear this, dude. I don't think I'd be able to come through that mentally stable. Kudos to you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

2xloser said:


> HOLY crap, OMG, I am so, so, so sorry to hear this, dude. I don't think I'd be able to come through that mentally stable. Kudos to you.


I almost didn't if it wasn't for the professional therapy I received soon after. And if you think I'm the only one damaged by this ordeal, my ex-wife had to be institutionalized just recently by her family as an intervention because she had attempted suicide and is presently recovering in a psychiatric hospital. According to a mutual friend of ours, my chance encounter with my ex-wife at a cafe a few months ago, left her devastated when she found out that I had a GF. And to add more to this, that same friend found out from another relative of my ex - I know this person well - that she had been repeatedly raped by a male cousin when she was a teenager, a traumatic ordeal that she never informed me of before and after we were married. A totally f**ked up situation.

I can totally relate to when cj9947 said in one of his threads that he felt like he was a character in a David Lynch movie.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow, Do I feel for you morituri! 

My IC said something to me in my past session (my case WH) & that was, "No matter who our partner was with, they would have cheated. That is why it isn't your (our,BS ) fault. Yes, we are to accept blame for our action that didn't help the marriage to be the best for ourselves (hencs making it better for them ) but it is in the make up of the WS." 

Ok , if this is true... then really where do we go from here? I cant believe how messy infidelity gets!

~sammy


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