# Emotional Affair and wifes past truth



## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

Just for some background. We have been married for 7 years and are just in our 30's, we started going out with each other since 18. She was my first gf, but I knew she had one or two bf in her past, but from things she told me they broke up because she refused to have sex with one of them as she was 16 and he was in his 20's. 

Anyway, we got married had 3 kids, and I was running a profitable business with my father. Things were great for a few years. Then the world financial meltdown caused havoc with the business and we started to have financial problems. My parents were also having problems.

I tried starting a new business idea but things were slow. She said I wasnt supporting the family and that I needed to go get a real job. Anyway we had big arguments, and stress levels were high. She threatened with leaving etc. 

I then found texts to an ex bf who she said they only went out for 2 weeks. I knew they texted each other, but it was just friend texts like "how are you?" But this was different, she wanted him to take her away and that she loves him, she needs him in her life blah blah, I asked her what it was all about, and she blew it off saying its not like that he's just a friend. This guy tried to get her to leave me when we first got married, as I found the text, and she told him she was with me and to get over it.

There were then numerous texts, flirts etc, between them about being in each others dreams etc..

These texts made me obsessive about checking up on it, she put a pin on her phone, but I worked it out and have seen all. I also knew her facebook password. The guy by the way currently lives 600 yds away from my family home. 

Whenever I've found something innapropriate on her phone etc, I usually try to think of how to confront her for a day or two, but she can tell something is up with me so I end up telling her, she then goes crazy for me checking up on her.

But the crunch point was on her facebook account when she was speaking to this ex's best friend, and he said this guy is not the type to take her and the kids away, but he would be happy if they were together either way, and that I'm never going to be the man to satisfy her needs. And that the ex is a ladies man and always will be. She agreed. However further in the chat I discovered he was the last person my wife slept with before she met me, and there were 3 men before that.

It feels horrible that she lied to me, as she even said that she would want to know if I had slept with someone else (which I havent), but the thoughts of these other men on my wife make me sick. I know it was the past and before she met me. But I did ask her openly years ago. 

Well I was sleepless and up crying one night last week. I had severe anxiety/depression at this point, and bad anger thoughts running through my head, she woke up and came down stairs to ask what was wrong. I told her I knew and she said people dont tell people these things to protect them because she knew I couldnt cope.

My problem is not that I dont trust her, I think she was going through problems with me thinking she and kids werent first, and I think she's over this guy, but I dont like them still texting each other which I know they do. Am I wrong to think like this? I dont think so.
They basically had an emotional affair. What am I supposed to think? I dont think they should be in contact with each other. They were not just the friends she originally told me - they were lovers. She has changed her pins and passwords again so I have no idea. 

We still have normal sex which I wait for her to initiate, I can bear that, but I cant bear to give my wife oral at the moment as it just reminds me of these other men. i dont want to put my mouth where these other guys have been. I know it probably sounds stupid. but its a mental thing. I've also caught herpes from my wife - but havent told her as i think it would upset her. I know my wife is going to ask why I'm not doing oral, as this is her fav thing and I loved it too before, but I'm having difficulty dealing with the thoughts. I think if I attempt it, it's also going to show somethings up. 

I certainly dont want her to think I dont love her or think she is disgusting. Thats not the case, its more I hate these other men who have basically used her and now infected my mind. 

How do I get over this and put it away in the past? :scratchhead: The guy stays in our small village, so everytime I see him in his car or whatever its back in my head!!!! It makes it difficult, i want to move on but how long does it take?

It sucks, everyday its in my mind... (sorry for long thread!)


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

she needs NC or needs to be out


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

About one out of seven men in the US are not the fathers of their own kid.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> About one out of seven men in the US are not the fathers of their own kid.


How can you not be the father of your own kid?

Where did you get that stat from?

I read it was just the percentage they published from men who suspected the child wasn't theirs or asked for paternity tests for court etc. So this means the paternity was all ready in question. Thus does not reflect the true numbers which I believe would be far lower then that.


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm def the father to all my kids....I'm 100% sure!


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

What's NC?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I've also caught herpes from my wife - but havent told her as i think it would upset her.


what the hell is this?
youre worried about HER being upset that SHE gave you herpes? :scratchhead:

and, just for your information, you dont get herpes from an emotional affair.

NC=no contact, as in between her and her herpes infected guy 'friend'


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NC = no contact


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I've also caught herpes from my wife - but havent told her as i think it would upset her. I know my wife is going to ask why I'm not doing oral, as this is her fav thing and I loved it too before, but I'm having difficulty dealing with the thoughts. I think if I attempt it, it's also going to show somethings up.


Say what???!!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You said this guy lives 600 yds from your house---are you sure she has had no physical contact with him

She absolutely has to go NC, with him no matter what, and she doesn't get a choice, if you have to go hardline on that point do so---it just takes an instant---for someone to do something stupid, and lives are ruined for a lifetime---and if he is actually only yards away from you---you need to be very vigilant as to what is going on

Whatever she had with him before was nothing but a kids fling---everyone has a past---you are having these visions, cuz she has brought him back into your life---but remember he is fantasy not reality---she hasn't figured that out yet---but then again she did reject him years ago---he is just trying to get some sex with her, I promise you that's what he wants so be careful

You do need to spend plenty of time with your family--I realize work is important but so is family, and what good would your work be if you lose your family

She does not get to complain about your looking at her phone, computer---when she got married she gave up her right to privacy--if she wanted privacy she should have stayd single

Be very careful here---you may only be looking at the tip of an iceberg


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm positive she hasnt had a PA. She wouldnt do that, and has said that she wouldnt leave/cheat me for someone else as thats not right, in her facebook messages which she thought i had no access too. They have been friends since 8 yrs old, but still she needs to drop the contact. She wont give me access to her iphone, ipad(both which I bought her by the way!) She says I want to know every conversation she has with every person she meets. Not true. She also says everyone needs some privacy, and have I never thought of something innapropriate that she wouldnt like to know?? I just dont want her to have contact with this ass, as its just not right. I've tried to get her to see my point of view and asked how she would feel if it was the other way around, but she just says she doesnt know how she would feel.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I'm positive she hasnt had a PA. She wouldnt do that, and has said that she wouldnt leave/cheat me for someone else as thats not right,


guess what, thats exactly what i thought and what my wife told me :smthumbup:

but guess what else, it was bu11sh1t.
several times over.

im sure EVERYBODY else here has heard the same.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honey, she gave you HERPES. She prob did have a PA. 

She said she won't cheat but look at all the hiding she's doing. You said yourself she lied to you before. Why believe her now?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I'm positive she hasnt had a PA.


oh, and she gave you herpes by...


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

I know, I know, but believe me this is true. No PA has taken place...this was all before we started going out..it was soon after that I caught it  not just recently. Thats why I always doubted her not having had sex with anyone else.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

locking everything down means she has stuff to hide, no question


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Andrew I am am so sorry you are going through this. 

This post upsets me greatly. You seem to be completely without boundaries or self protection and I wonder if you realize this. When I read your post I want to come through the screen and shake the hell out of you. 

There are so many things wrong here that I would like you to accept that you have a bit of a road ahead to sort yourself out. I think you are not experienced in relationships and you are not reacting as you should. 

Please don't say you love your wife and that is why you put up with this s**t, I think you are not in love with yourself enough. You life can be so much better that this if you separate out what your problems are from what your wife's problems are, She is apparently very deceptive, self-centered, and does not care enough about you to not hurt you. 

Will you do something? PM some of the men who are experienced in relationship and ask them for some advice. They may be able to help you with your questions. 

PM (private message) MEM, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/mem11363.html; Big Bad Wolf, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/bigbadwolf.html; Conrad, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/conrad.html; or Deejo, Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Deejo. They are frequent posters. 

I say this becuse your wife gave YOU an STD and you protect HER from that knowledge. Something is very wrong with this picture.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I know, I know, but believe me this is true.


i used to think this about my ex too, that she just didnt have it in her...
she had something in her all right, but it wasnt me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I know, I know, but believe me this is true. No PA has taken place...


How do you explain the herpes?


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

He's scared of me, so he wont try having sex with her, his reply messages are not that way inclined. He's given up at the beginning of our marriage...

My question is though, will time be enough to get this mental, visual problem sorted?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> My question is though, will time be enough to get this mental, visual problem sorted?


will time be enough to mend her cheating heart?


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

I think I know more about her than she does! The fact is SHE doesnt know she has herpes!! I will tell her on my next outbreak.... but will she not feel real bad?? We're just getting trust back with each other her not being interested in the ex and trusting me that I am putting her and family first (I told her I can easily hack passwords again if I wanted too, but I said now I know the truth I wont need to check), so I dont want to crack things up again, I just want to get over her past affecting my mind...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

andrewcars said:


> I think I know more about her than she does! The fact is SHE doesnt know she has herpes!! I will tell her on my next outbreak.... but will she not feel real bad??


you care that much about what she will think about it?
how do you feel knowing she gave it to you?
how do you feel every time you have an outbreak?

probably telling her at this point, she will say it was you that gave it to her.
write back and let us know how that conversation goes afterwards.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you don't want to tell her she gave you herpes so as not to make her upset and "crack things up?"

Dude. Seriously?!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st she was a week alone in that house with Mr M---and how convenient it was the week his wife was gone---you know da*n well something happened---it was planned, all the way around---and you just blindly let it happen---a week with an old BF, by themselves, and nothing happened---I got a bridge I wanna sell you

Why won't your wife let you see her phone---becuz she is hiding something

If she wanted privacy she shouldn't have gotten married---there is no privacy tween spouses

You need to get hardline about this---your wife knows you are basically on to her now--so nothing probably will happen----BUT

If nothing else all contact with other men MUST STOP, in any way shape or form

All put downs of you must stop---and the TWO of you together need to work your relationship back up to where neither of you wants to see/talk to those of the other sex


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Syrum said:


> How can you not be the father of your own kid?
> 
> Where did you get that stat from?
> 
> I read it was just the percentage they published from men who suspected the child wasn't theirs or asked for paternity tests for court etc. So this means the paternity was all ready in question. Thus does not reflect the true numbers which I believe would be far lower then that.


Bunch of studies in the last 20-25 years. About 14% of men are not their kid's biological parent.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As to her wanting privacy on her phone, and computer---under normal circumstances, you wouldn't check---there would be no reason to

This is totally different---she is cheating, therefore she MUST be open to you, and whatever you wanna look at---if she refuses---then start drying up her ability to do things--take away phone, take away computer---do whatever you need to do---but you need to make her transparent----if she refuses, then you may need to tell her D. is on the table, as you will not live with a cheater

Also If I was you I would make her take a Poly in re: her week spent alone with Mr M


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## andrewcars (Apr 8, 2011)

Jnj express - thanks for your replies, but I've maybe not made myself clear, I'm maybe not great at writing stuff on these forums. She hasnt spent a week alone with him (maybe your looking at another thread?). She went out with him before we met for a couple of weeks, but has been in contact since usually via text. I think she is less fussed about keeping her passwords secret now tho, as she types them in as we sit side by side now - she knows I know everything that has gone on. Maybe she cant be bothered trying to hide and look over her shoulder all the time??

We've resolved the problem of the ex. Shes not interested in anything like that, as her messages to his friend have indicated this. Its now my personal problem of getting these ex guys out of my mind, its just not that easy as saying to yourself the past is the past and move on. I know some people are not bothered by such things, but I am at the moment. Will I ever be able to let it leave my mind? Is it just a matter of time heals all wounds? I dont know...but its definitely affecting me at the moment. I guess time will tell. 

She thinks everything is normal at the moment, but when she realises oral is off the cards for now, I think she will ask. I already told her when i discovered her past (and having my minor breakdown/panic attack one night) that I cant get the images of these men on her out of my mind. I hate it. But I think she thinks that was all to do with a panic attack. But its not.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She wants "privacy".
She texts him constantly.
When you ask her about it, she goes postal on you.
She texted him to "take her away/she still loves him".
He lives 600 yds. away.
Duh!!! SHE IS CHEATING!!! AND YOU ARE PRACTICALLY GIVING HER THE KEYS TO DO SO!!!
She gave you an STD, and you still married her?
And she doesn't know that she has it? Perfect! Now she can accuse YOU of having an affair, and get the heat off of her ass!
Buddy, you need keylogger, check all e-mails, install nanny cams, hire a PI or even Joey Grecco.
Wake up! She is SO cheating on you!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I think every person on this forum thought their spouse wouldn't cheat and they're still shocked after the fact. After telling some close friends of my ordeal, one said, "if your wife would cheat, any wife could."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey AC-----did you not say she went on a trip awhile back, she stopped for a week with mr m who was an XBF---she spent a week in that house with him while his wife was gone---and all of this was set up by the 2 of them (your wife and mr m) ahead of time

Is your gut not bothering you---do you not still have visions----are you sure positively sure she is not lying to you

Let me ask you, have you ever caught her in a lie---can you tell when she is lying---if I had $1---for every cheater that lied successfully for a goodly length of time to their spouse I WOULD BE A BILLIONAIRE---do not be sure you are getting the truth from her

As to your visions, and thoughts---that is your sub-conscious---it could take 2 to 5 yrs, to go away--IF EVER---it really doesn't ease, and you don't start to heal, until your cheating spouse tells you everything, and there is nothing left for you to imagine


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey AC---I am very, very sorry---You are absolutely right the above post should have gone on another thread----


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you give her a taste of her own medicine and that way she can get a feel for what you are going through. I know bad advise but if she has no respect for you by stopping this contact as you have requested then go for it. 

Some time ago I read a post about this guy finding out about his wifes cheating and his way of confronting was set up as a fake affair with false admission to his "affair" and that he falsely professed his love for this make believe woman and was falsely confessed to sleeping with her.

I thought...what an interesting twist in getting the wayward spouse a taste of betrayal. 

Just something to think about.


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