# Should I just let him go



## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Hello everyone,

First time posting a thread and thankful that I have found this forum. I have been following some of the info and THANK YOU for giving that feeling that I am not alone. Unfortunately, my situations seems to usual which is very dipressing. But Thank you for giving hope and giving a place where to release.
My story... I have been married for almost 10 years, we have a beautiful Daugther 9 and a handsome Son 6. Our marriage has had many downs and it has been hard but we have some how been able to move on until now. In March found out my H was having an affair, confronted him and he said he wasnt happy with me and that he would move out. After much hurt, crying and soul search I did not want things to end like this. I know I have not been the best wife throughout our 9 years and felt half at fault for him searching some place else. We werent communicating at any level and intimacy was almost none excisten. Spoke to him and ask if we can try to work things out and to see if he wanted to stay. He said he did not know he needed time to think but did not move out and terminated (as far as I knew) the affair. I changed my ways 180 degrees, being more loving to him, been more intimate and making him see and feel how much I really love him and that I was willing to move forward. He was still cold and disconnected but I kept trying. He is a man that does not express to many emotions, dont know why, cant remember if he was always like this but i have been able to live with it. Just recently had an incident that I asked about and the conversation ended that he would move out because he wasnt fooling himself anymore. He was not happy me and does not love me anymore and did not make sense to stay together just because of the kids. Since the affair he started going to counseling by himself and throught his session, he would sometimes come and asking things of why I did that or why I didnt do this. He mentioned that his counselor asked if he ever loved me and he did not know. Before getting married we were leaving 2gether 5 months into our relationship. Got pregnant and 8 months pregnant got married. As he is going to counseling he comes back to tell me that he has been asked why did he marry me and he says that it was out of responsability, because did not wat to bring a bastard baby. This has hurt me so bad becuase I never knew this. I love him very much and always knew that my love for him was bigger than his love for me. It huts because it seems that my maraige has been a lie. So now he tells me that he does not love anymore, he is not happy and wants to move out. I finally accepted the facts and asked by when he would be moving. He said that as fast as he finds a place. I am very concern and heartbroken because of ours kids. They have no idea of what is going on and I know they will be devasted. We started to go to marriage counseling but after our first session he decided that he was going to move so our sessions have move more to how to make this separation work for the best of the kids. At a certain level I guess I have accepted the fact that he felt out of love with me and I am trying to not love him anymore. I am trying to disconnect myself from him just as he did from me. He is still in the house but looking for a place. We barely talk, just necessary about the kids and me asking of he has found a place, no nothing. To top it off I have been unemployed since Dec. and our saving are almost gone. I tell him that we can not afford this separation if has thought about everything, money? spending time with kids? How is he going to be able to see the kids if he is working all the time? I am trying for this separation to be as civil as possible so I am not pushing him to leave although I think he really needs to because seing him, hearing him, smelling him, sleeping with him (no sex) breaks me. I do it for my kids I want, if at all possible for things to remain as normal as possible. I know that is unlikely but all that will or has to change is that Dad is not leaving with us. He already works alot and almost everyday comes home late, (works grave yard shifts on Friday & Sat) I want to continue being civil and cordial to each other. After all we have been through so much that I dont want him completely out of my life and lets face it we are parents and will always be seeing each other and better make it work! But I am confused, hurt, going crazy, cause I dont know what my future awaits for me. Some days I wish I can just shake him and make him see that we are his happiness and some days I just cant stand him. I feel this pressure in my heart and my mind going 1000 mph in thinking and analyzing the sitaution, the why's with no answers? I am unemployed and with this situation I feel my life is just so overwhelming. My kids are the only thing that make me strong, and to focus and try to make the best decisions as possible...but should I just let him go? Pls. help in providing advise I need some enlightenment or just some comfort. Thank you for reading and reaching out!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You will have no choice but to let him go! He will go anyway..he's disconnected. I've been where you are...the best thing is to learn how to live without him. Live a full happy healthy life. Fake it, if you must but live it! Work on yourself via individual counseling; read some self help books; exercise; go out with friends;etc.

When you work on yourself it makes you feel better and appear attractive to your husband. There are no guarantees that he will come back...you can't force him. He needs to figure out what he want and space and time may help that...


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## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> You will have no choice but to let him go! He will go anyway..he's disconnected. I've been where you are...the best thing is to learn how to live without him. Live a full happy healthy life. Fake it, if you must but live it! Work on yourself via individual counseling; read some self help books; exercise; go out with friends;etc.
> 
> When you work on yourself it makes you feel better and appear attractive to your husband. There are no guarantees that he will come back...you can't force him. He needs to figure out what he want and space and time may help that...


Than you, Corpus. Deep inside, I know that I have to let him go, its just this feeling of I don't know if its pain anf the memmories. How do I disconnect? Very confusing! And my kids, I feel that I have fail them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Yep, i am there too. But in my case i am the one that has become disconnected. And I dont have any answers to your questions since i cant figure out my own issues.

But i do have a concern. you mentioned that you are unemployed. I really feel like you need to find some kind of employment BEFORE he leaves. that way you can make arrangements for day care after school or whatever. 

Whether or not he leaves soon or later or not at all, i think you should be prepared and get a job to support your self and your kids. It is not easy to find a good job, and then you need to make arrangements for the kiddos and so forth. Two positive things are: one you will have money coming in and two it will occupy your time and your mind into something that will make you feel like you are bettering your situation. 

you cant do anything to make him change or see how good your family life is, but dont remain helpless either. if he does leave you need money.

good luck. and god bless


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you do anything outside of your home, without your kids, for yourself? Hobbies, etc? At this point, even if he is still in the home, set up a schedule of days/times he has to take care of the children ... you go out and do some things that are 'fun' for you...start planning life without him and let him 'feel' what that will be like as well.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Neither of you have failed your kids per se. You two brought children into the world without first insuring you had relationship solid and strong enough to weather the storms of life. It lacks commitment by both parties and that is sad for your kids.

I am sorry this has happened and am glad you at least are thinking of your responsibility to innocent children.

You two could stick it out for the kids, but he apparently does not see it that way. Therefore the best you can do is get a job and raise your kids well. Good luck.


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## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

I disagree w/Sandy55, I am sorry but I am completely committed to my kids! I have tried almost everything to avoid all this but unfortunately, it takes 2 to tango!


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## prettyinpink05 (Nov 1, 2008)

That some deep thoughts that Corpus Wife gave but I have been there to be very honest I'm still there I've been with my husband now for 14yrs and we have been married now going on 9yrs and since then he has cheated the first time he did it he didn't know how to tell me because he gotten the female pregnant and didn't know what to do yes it's been 5yrs now and I just gotten over that about a year now but in between that YES he has cheated again and again and have had three other children since then but the same way is that after I found out about when he cheated the second time is when he say he wasn't happy but he would never leave.....here now he new for a long time that what he did to our lives was very wrong on his part and after all that I didn't get married just to get a divorce NO that's not why and I just gave up but I said that I was going to stay for my children Yes we have three together and like you stated you have failed them NO that was all his doing I bet myself trying to everything the same way but I pray and pray it's not me and it not you he made that mess you were there he was out being a(JERK) not you so if you want to stay for the children then hay know one can judge you for that but GOD people are on the out side looking in yes it hurts like HELL I'm first hand of that but once again my children never ask for that to happen to them so what ever come about just stay strong pray and do thing with your children that make them smile and you smile and I promise you what ever you do you will feel a hold lot better......if you eva just need to talk hey I'm here.......LOOK AT IT THIS WAY they think something is out there better but really NOT carma is a B...H..


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## Fidelity (Sep 14, 2009)

ok first off i was very disgusted by him saying that he didnt want to have a bastard child thats why he married you...please its been 10 years and counting and there is a second child. He shouldnt make an excuse for marrying you becasue thats a decision that both of you made..you didnt hold him by the neck and force him to take those vows with you he did it on his own free will. Im sure there were alot of bad times nut im sure there was alot of good times too. Now concerning your kids...its going to be very hard...i came from a family where i experienced my mum and dad being separated when i was that young and i tell you it hurts and it changes you alot mentally,physically ,emotionally and it also affected me in school a great deal but i came out ok . That kind of hurt will remain with a child as long as they live but it can work out better for the kids if that when you guys do separate that you two keep working together to spend time with the kids....quality time. Now i dont tolerate unfaithfullness and i dont think that you should either. No matte rhow bad it gets in a marriage if you grow out of love with your partner and decise that you have intimate feelings with someone else then get a divorce fisrt...i know its easier said than done but its the best way ....anyway enough about what could or should have been done....this is the situation now...he's being unfaithful to you and he will be again. Why is it that everytime there's problem in the marriage he wants to leave...its healthier for you to just pray and accept the fact that he doesnt care anymore...he wants to leave dont hold him back because he'll leave anyway. Now we can all give you advice but only you went through this marriage and only you know the decision at the end of it all. You said also that you havent been the perfect wife for the past time but you have been making an effort to make it bette and prob he just grew fed up of the smae thing over and over and prob seeing that he's not that open and emotional about most things then he wont know how to deal with things and work with you to make it better. clearly he's on his own agenda and he definitely has other options. You be strong make your decision and trust me you already know the answers.Start taking care of you....and the kids....about you not being employed...you can go through court and eitger get an alimony or supprot for the kids if he doesnt want to provide for them when you separte. Either way please try to keep the break clean..its better for the kids and you. It will be difficult but you'll soon realise what real love feels like when it comes along...be strong! PRAY!


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I cannot fault any woman who is going through the pain that you women are...Yet I would be neglect in not posting my message to any woman who may be reading this...My message would be, please, stay sexual with your husband...Even if you are tired, so is he...This is the glue that holds so many marriages together...I am going to repost the post that I entered under our 51 year marriage post...You see I took it off...Sometimes you wonder if your words are old hat around here and if you are needed....This is part of my Achilles Heel in life...

When I married my husband I made one vow...I knew that we would have children...Yet, seeing what a terrible marriage both my and his parents had, I swore that even after the children came, that I would always make him think that I loved him more than anyone...I have done this all my life...He still thinks that he is my favorite...He wasn't then, but he is now...Sex is not always fun...It is an infringement on our body that we don't always welcome...However, by denying this to a man he may look for it somewhere else...And believe me, he will find it...

Please take this post for the love that I write it to women...And to the OP, I'm afraid that you may have already let him go...This happened when he began his counseling by himself....

Caroline


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

The worse thing a person can do is try to pressure a person to chnage their mind. If he deos decide to stay he wont be doing it because he loves you he'll be doing it because he feels obligated. You want a marriage of love not convenience...well I would hope so. Staying together for the kids is not enough. Why would you want ot be with someone who is disconnected from you?? It's going to be hard but you dont HAVE to stop loving him to get over him. That's not good either you'll probably always love him, don't try to hate him thats even more taxing on your emotions. YOU set boundaries and stick to them, and believe what his mouth says not what you think his heart is saying.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Disconnecting is a process. It's not like unplugging a TV!

Part of disconnecting is giving space and working on things for yourself and your children.

Don't give into his negative comments or try to convince him.

This is difficult and will take time on your part. You will mess up and want to connect again and that's ok. Give yourself a break. 

Control the things that you can....


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## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Thank you all again for reaching out! It is so true what CarolineMRF says, SEX is the glue that holds the marraige. As mush as it might not always be enjoyable it is tru. I learned this a couple of years too late. But it just so unfair because I need emotional connection in order to open my legs and he has not provided that to me but yet here I am feeling at fault of our failure because I did not give him what he needed the most, just so unfair. I dont hate my H, and dont want to go down the route, hating will only poison me cause he will keep on going and continuing his life. Also my kids, unfortunately, they are in the middle of al this and the least I can do is get along with their dad, for there sake. I know that I am the only one that can decide and I know I must let him go, as much as that hurts. I know I deserve someone that loves me and cares for me, I just wish that this person would be the one a took my vows with. As much as I am preparing myself for the worst I am scared, frustrated and confussed. I just cant understand how he could just be so disconnected from our past, from our hard moments and our very good ones too, this is what kills me that as much I want to remember the bad so I dont hurt that much but all that comes to mind are the good times. I hate this, I hate it!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Seems to me that you need to take this bull by the horns and see a lawyer. Don't leave your fate up to him to decide.


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## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Today is not a good day, I'm feeling lonely, sad with a heavy heart and in need of comfort, in need of my mans comfort. Not very positive attitude towards my situation. Some days are as clear as water that this separation is happening and that is ok and that the kids and I will be ok. But then are these days were I just want to find a way to convince him and making see that we can work it out that we are worth it that our family is worth it and I am just crumbling. From our org conversation when he decided to move out he either would be out by 9/15 or 10/01, and I know he has been lOoking but nothing, he is still home. Today he gets up as he going to work but dresses down, I ask if he is working he says "no" I ask why r u going in so early he says "I'm looking at places" and cont what his doing I don't say a word. Get ready for school, drop the kids & drop him to take public trans. As I am driving home get a txt saying "I'm visiting potential living places 2day, hopefully if I get to them (lists places) that is my day". Now he usually does not tell me where his going or what his doing, and I don't ask cause I feel that I need to disconnect myself from him so that I don't hurt so much; so this txt 2day is like what the heck why are u letting me know where ur looking to live? Why confuse me more? I try not to take his words, actions or anything of his to heart cause I am trying to rip him from my heart, what I mean is to stop loving him as what he was my husband, I think and feel that he is no longer mine since his last anouncement that he was leaving!I know I have to let him go but so much scares me our economic situation is a big one, how does he pretend to move out when we r struggling with current bills? The pain and the hurt that my kids will endure is another big concern. I pray for the best of situation, I pray for guidance, I pray for strength and pray that this episode of my life moves as fast as possible and to be happy with my kids and be free of this weight in my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MBuck26 (Sep 13, 2009)

Well I gotta extra rooms in my place if you need somewere to go .I went throught the same thing before ..How cute are you ? do you swing ?? lmao..J/k


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