# How does sex happen in your relationship?



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Interested to hear from other married couples how sex happens in your relationships. Do both of you initiate? One more than other? 

Is the initiation the same way every time? 

In my relationship it’s down to me initiate which generally involves me leaning over in bed and kissing my wife before moving my hands down up her top and if I reach her breasts before she’s pushed me away it’s usually fun time. 

My wife will always lie there like a dead body waiting for me to make the effort. She won’t ask me for a kiss or ever initiate.

I know there’s lots that go on before sex actually happens but I just wanted to know about how it happens for you.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> Interested to hear from other married couples how sex happens in your relationships. Do both of you initiate? One more than other?
> 
> Is the initiation the same way every time?
> 
> ...


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It varies. There are times when it is a planned event. We talk about it for days. We talk about what we will do with each other. It's a big production number. For those cases, it is usually me that starts the discussion. Sometimes it starts with a text message. Other times it's a quick comment as I'm leaving town or heading off to work. Sometimes it's just a quick look when we the kids tell us that they are planning to go to an event some evening and we know we'll be alone together. 

Sometimes it's a surprise quicky. There are those times when opportunity arises and we're both in the mood and we just drop what were doing and enjoy the moment together. In these cases, either of us might initiate. The initiation can take any form. Sometimes it's just a quick glance and a question like "want to get frisky?" or "got a few minutes to help me with something?".

Most of the time, it's when we're in bed together at night or in the morning. We do a lot of holding, caressing, spooning in bed. Sometimes that's all that either of us in the mood for. At other times, it just sort of progresses. It helps that we generally always sleep naked. When it happens, it's pretty rare that you could point to a moment where someone was said to "initiate" the act. It just sort of ratchets up on its own. I think we've been together so long that we can sense when the other is in the mood and when they aren't. 

Occasionally one of us will try to initiate when the other isn't really in the mood. Sometimes that's enough to get the other in the mood. Sometimes the person not in the mood suggests a different time - "can I ravage you in the morning when I'm not falling sleep?" or "instead of rushing this morning, can we take our time tonight?" There are times when the timing just isn't right, but I can't recall a time when one of us decline an advance without reaffirming our desire and proposing an alternative time.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

We just assume that it's on....unless one of us is deathly ill which doesn't happen often. We flirt...a LOT. From the minute we wake up in the a.m. Mostly verbal, a lot of touching throughout any day, some texting...a lot of innuendo. 

So hard to say who initiates.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I say "WOMAN! SERVICE MAN NOW!!!". She usually runs away screaming and I just grab her and have my way.

Is there more to it?>


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It usually happens by accident. We're both gymnasts, and pretty clumsy.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I say "WOMAN! SERVICE MAN NOW!!!". She usually runs away screaming and I just grab her and have my way.
> 
> Is there more to it?>


See...? That's the best way to do it - you can't fail!!! Lol!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

About half and half, but I know a very happy couple where he always initiates and she nearly always responds, and its not an issue. Every couple is different and comparing yourself to others wont help your marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In the morning, I usually initiate with a warm cuddle and caresses. In the evening, she usually initiates with "Take you pants off!" while watching something on TV. Somehow, it works almost every day.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, I am am a generally a naked sleeper. Sex, when I was not single, was always just a bit of a snuggle in the morning.
If it happened during the day, it was either him or me saying “let’s f***” If we had time (I have always been “open”).
At night, it was always the same as the morning thing.
The only time I ever really said “no” was when we were in an argument or something like that, but other than that I was almost always good to go.
Even now that I am in early menopause, I am still like that.

I honestly think that it is how we are brought up. Some women are raised to just “put out” to reproduce and that is it. They just lack the capacity to enjoy intimacy.
I have my issues with ex’s, but not one of them will ever say that lack of great sex was the issue...and their behaviour many years after the fact proves that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> Interested to hear from other married couples how sex happens in your relationships. Do both of you initiate? One more than other?
> 
> Is the initiation the same way every time?
> 
> ...


Does she keep lying there like a dead body during sex??


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’m not in a relationship but am dating and sometimes have a boyfriend (which is the only time I have sex). When I have a boyfriend sex is just expected to happen several times every time we see each other. 

When I was married I was down anytime so it was basically up to him to decide how much energy he had for sex. We were sexual in one way or another every day, multiple times. This might have been just a great make out and grope session but that itself left us both breathless which would carry us on a high all day.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

For us I would say 50% is playing around in each others head. 40% is shower time, massage, touching & rubbing, and flirting. 10% is naked in bed.

We don't have a script like I do this then she does that ...and then sex. 

Things can be much different each time. It might be all about her, all about me, something in the middle, or maybe one of us gets "sex toyed".

I don't know why this happens but we seem to have as much sex in the walk in closet as the bed. 

I initiate 99% of the time but she has started more of that in the last few years with the kids being off to college.

I do not recommend scripted sex or asking for it ....


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I usually just pull my wifes pants down and start groping her butt. I'll usually run my hands over her entire body for a while. I'm usually pretty big on foreplay. 

Sometimes I'll just bend her over and yank her pants and panties down and have my way with her. 

I like foreplay, but she prefers it when I just take her at random times. The less she has to think about it, the more she can relax and enjoy it. A lot of times, I will just grab her and **** her silly when I'm not really even in the mood. Her response quickly puts me in the mood, and it always puts a smile on her face.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It varies for us, no particular routine, and we both initiate although he does perhaps initiate more than I do. 

It feels quite vulnerable to share this..! The unsubtle versions in the last couple of weeks... he'd returned home from doing volunteer stuff, looked scrumptious. We kissed one another, I grabbed his sexy butt then leaned down and playfully 'kissed' the front of his jeans. In response, he tilted his head back and let out an, 'mmmm, yes...' Another day, I was dancing in my sweatpants being goofy in the lounge room (not sexy, or so I thought at least), he stepped up behind me, slid his hands into the pockets of my sweatpants and used this to unexpectedly pull me back close to him, then shimmied the sweatpants off me. Different moment, I was getting dressed and wearing my cat-ears headband that I typically wear on a lazy day at home, but he liked what he saw and got me back into bed with him. I arrived home from work and was wearing a dress with slight cleavage. When he opened the door to greet me, his trailing touch followed his gaze. So, I guess moments like that happen quite regularly. 

The more subtle involves caressing, light rhythmic touches, kissing, and perhaps making out... sometimes leads to sex, sometimes not... intimate and connecting nonetheless.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> The more subtle involves caressing, light rhythmic touches, kissing, and perhaps making out... sometimes leads to sex, sometimes not... intimate and connecting nonetheless.


We are a lot like that as well ...... lots of touch and play. It's a great way to stay connected and ALWAYS fun.

Seems a lot of married people have the notion that sex is ..... a singular event. We try to keep it going outside the bedroom.

Shower time is a big one for us. Always fun to touch and wash your partner.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Yes, touch ...another recent moment... I was studying, heard him walking to another room, I went to where he was to give him a kiss. We kissed across each others faces ha ha. I wasn't wearing a bra and lifted my t-shirt, he instantly paid attention, then I slowly lifted his t-shirt as well so that we could hug and kiss skin-on-skin, waist up at least. We didn't continue to sex. It was a brief touching interlude in the hallway. I love catching his smile. I went back to studying, he did his thing. The touches, interludes, subtle and unsubtle, verbal and non-verbal... it's all a part of our dynamic.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Multiple touching ways, and this is how it's happening tonight....

This morning as getting ready for work, shared with DW hey, why don't we have a light supper, and an early get together?

Mutual yes, and I left it at that. I may send her a couple low key texts today, and tonight is a happening thing.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Not to be a downer, but it doesn’t happen any more. Neither does simple loving touch. Or sleeping in the same bed.

I don’t recall her initiating at all in the last 10 years, and maybe only a handful in the 16 years prior to that.

It stopped happening with a head turn away from a would-be kiss. After years, I finally got the message.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> Interested to hear from other married couples how sex happens in your relationships. Do both of you initiate? One more than other?
> 
> Is the initiation the same way every time?
> 
> ...


Asking others won't work for you because you have a very damaged marriage that needs repairing and strengthening into health.


I wouldn't be focused on her lack of initiation and coldness when it comes to getting sex going.

I would be focused on her laughter and security. I would be building better foundations in my marriage.

My goal wouldn't be better sex, it would be healing my marriage and strengthening my wife as a woman, helping empower her.

Sex would get better as a normal marriage is further established.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> Not to be a downer, but it doesn’t happen any more. Neither does simple loving touch. Or sleeping in the same bed.
> 
> I don’t recall her initiating at all in the last 10 years, and maybe only a handful in the 16 years prior to that.
> 
> It stopped happening with a head turn away from a would-be kiss. After years, I finally got the message.


THIS is heartbreaking...I hope you aren't still in such an unloving relationship...anyone deserves better!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Usually cookies, a lot of wine, and maybe some sudafed or a percocet thrown into the mix. Once consumed and I pass out, that is usually when the W straps on for a ride.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I slap her on the ass and say “brace yourself “. 
She sends me texts saying “Wanna ****”.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Not to be a downer, but it doesn’t happen any more. Neither does simple loving touch. Or sleeping in the same bed.
> 
> I don’t recall her initiating at all in the last 10 years, and maybe only a handful in the 16 years prior to that.
> 
> It stopped happening with a head turn away from a would-be kiss. After years, I finally got the message.





LisaDiane said:


> THIS is heartbreaking...I hope you aren't still in such an unloving relationship...anyone deserves better!


Agreed. And maybe that's where I'd be if I had gone along with my wife's desires early on, when she said once or twice a month would be fine with her. I had no idea at the time of the issues she'd previously had that led up to that, but I made it clear that wasn't acceptable. I should have tried to get to the bottom of what that meant, back then. Instead I put up with once or twice a week, which she'd remind me was more than she needed. 

What I wonder is, can you recover from allowing sex to dwindle to nearly nothing in a marriage? Once you get to a certain age, is it hopeless? 

We speak of LD & HD but I'm thinking more apt might be, for some, ND & AD. No desire vs any desire at all. How close did I get to a marriage with my wife going full ND? Could that be happening with the OP?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

My wife has an aversion to discussing sex and will talk around it to the max extent possible so when I can’t read her mind...

Sometimes I’ll get a peach emoji. Sometimes I come out of the shower and she’s naked. Sometimes she just rubs my foot while spooning at night. 

If I want it, I just tell her I’m gonna have my way her.

I’m sure this could be better but talking about sex is a huge turnoff to her so it is what it is.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In both of my marriages, sex was largely a give and take proposition inasfar as initiation was concerned!

I, too, resented the hell out of being forced to make love to a limp sack of potatoes!

Initiating sex all of the time is not a lot of fun!*


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My husband says, girl you better get ready for me.🤣 the man can really use words. 

I am the kisser, I kiss his face up alot and his neck. Then he knows he better get ready 🤣


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Either of us initiates, and unless I’m dead tired from work, it’s on. We have some kind of relations on nearly a daily basis. Been that way for 25 years.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife is more responsive desire than not at this point in our lives. She's also one who thrives in life as a planner. So what works for us is scheduled sex for the vast majority of our encounters. Occasionally I can initiate and get an extra time or 2 of intimacy, but it's largely 3 times per week. We used to go every other day - except during menstruation week. Our sex life was put together based on compromise. It works for us and she's active during sex - so it's a good set up for us. Definitely have to have some foreplay before any penetration. Kissing and/or caressing. Sometimes massages, etc.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> Not to be a downer, but it doesn’t happen any more. Neither does simple loving touch. Or sleeping in the same bed.
> 
> I don’t recall her initiating at all in the last 10 years, and maybe only a handful in the 16 years prior to that.
> 
> It stopped happening with a head turn away from a would-be kiss. After years, I finally got the message.


That was me before the ex moved out though my numbers were 10 and 11 instead of 10 and 16. During the last 5 years or so, I generally understood that my window was the couple of days where she was ovulating. The day had to be perfect and then there was some point to me trying to initiate. I would try flirting or a suggestive joke when she got home and, if she smiled instead of looking pissed, I would try hugging and kissing later. Actually asking about sex or talking about improving the situation in general was a great way to ensure that nothing happened that month. We didn't do separate beds (even after she told me she was moving out) but resting a hand on her knee or side (depending on which way she was facing) was as much touching she'd allow any other time. Given that it was usually flannel pajamas there's a good chance that it was allowed since she didn't even feel it.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

>>>> Re: How does sex happen in your relationship? <<<<

It doesn't.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I will say it doesnt either his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.

Last time I intiated I came out with heels and lingerie walked in where he was asked if he liked the blue. I was told to move out from in front of him he was watching TV. Never again did I.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Why Bother said:


> his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.




Please tell me you turn him down when he acts like that? 




Why Bother said:


> Last time I intiated I came out with heels and lingerie walked in where he was asked if he liked the blue. I was told to move out from in front of him he was watching TV. Never again did I.




Why are you still with him? I’m sorry but he’s a big time jerk!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Why Bother said:


> I will say it doesnt either his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.
> 
> Last time I intiated I came out with heels and lingerie walked in where he was asked if he liked the blue. I was told to move out from in front of him he was watching TV. Never again did I.


Ugh!

Why?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

How did sex happen in my relationship with my STBXW? Apparently, every time she went to work


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

That is how some sexless marriages evolve.

Yes Jerk, douche bag, prick, etc.


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## Firebird85 (Nov 20, 2019)

Usually I initiate it. Normally I'll ask her if she wants to "go upstairs" which is our code for "do you want to make love"? We light candles and play romantic music and I take my time. I don't rush things and I make sure she is taken care off. I whisper things to compliment her because she is a little insecure of her body. It's very intense and passionate.

Why Bother-sorry your guy did that. If my wife did that (even if my favorite football team was on) I'd turn the TV off so fast I'd sprint to the bedroom! I hope things get better for you. You don't deserve the disrespect.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

In our house the word for sex is VISIT
He says "I would like to visit." 
or I say " I am expecting a visit"

Questions like
"Are you staying long?"

have been asked

Not sure how that term was coined but it has always been used since long ago (14 years) That is how it usually starts and then we have names for different things that happen, but I am always the visited and he is always the visitor.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

It doesn't - if there's even a remote chance where I can initiate sex, she always ends up really tired and/or has a massive headache. Case in point - went out NYE early for dinner and met some friends out. We were getting home early as we only had the sitter until 8, but figured we could get the kids to bed early then we could go in the basement and have a couple drinks. As we're driving to dinner, she announces that she has a really bad headache (sex wasn't even mentioned - she just made sure to let me know). I almost burst out laughing as it's so predictable. Starting to think it's a habit.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

I always try and start things almost everyday for good measure that’s juts who I am . I like to flirt on the phone all day about it if I’m really feeling it . When she wants it she very straight forward and will say she wants it and to be ready .


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Why Bother said:


> I will say it doesnt either his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.
> 
> Last time I intiated I came out with heels and lingerie walked in where he was asked if he liked the blue. I was told to move out from in front of him he was watching TV. Never again did I.


You're in the right. You have one of the best ways to get things started as you've described. 

His failing.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why Bother said:
> 
> 
> > I will say it doesnt either his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.
> ...



Seriously how could your turn down your wife when she willing to throw herself at you and is in the mood . Big mistake


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why Bother said:


> I will say it doesnt either his initiation is ignoring me, no conversations co connection. until he has the need to get off then shakes his d1(k at me and says get naked. TURN OFF. only sees me then because I am what is there.
> 
> Last time I intiated I came out with heels and lingerie walked in where he was asked if he liked the blue. I was told to move out from in front of him he was watching TV. Never again did I.




That’s when I would either file for divorce or start an affair.


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