# What should i do? / How do i do this?



## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

i posted this as part of my response to another users question, and realized i should just post it as it is:

im here because the boy i met and befriended in 2006 and who i fell in love with in 2007 and have remained in love with all these years, and in contact with until 2014 or 2015, he and i reconnected recently and started dating. i tried to tell him i was in love with him back in 2007 but he made it exceedingly difficult for me because he was lashing out at me all the time and hurting me, because of something i had said in 2006 that he MISUNDERSTOOD and took as rejection. Then while i was still trying, still looking for a safe moment and way to tell him, he joined the miilitary, and we all know the military downgrades peoples character, and that soldiers tend to sleep around. So i decided not to tell him because i knew what he would do in the military, especialy once he announced he ws going to Japan. i figured it was too late. (it was.) i knew as soon as he announced he was enlisting in the marines he would go downhill, and then as soon as he announced he was going to Japan i knew he was going to try to f*ck Asian girls. Because 1. Theyre very heavily fetishized, 2. Hes a gamer/ anime and manga fan, and a moron.
And so he did. He made sure he did.
As soon as he and i started dating, he confirmed my worst fears, and then some. That not only did he have sex as soon as he landed in Japan, he also payed for and had sex with prostitutes. He bragged about it, to me, in fact. Including when he and i were in bed together, telling me the females he had sex with always put the condoms on him FOR him. He also told me while he and i were in bed together how Asian girls moan in bed. He told me at some point the prostitutes sucked his penis and then he penetrated them (in different wording). Hes just not the boy i fell in love with anymore. Not at ALL. And on top of that im sickened by him now, he disgusts me and his body disgusts me, i can only see a disgusting John when i look at him, and i cant even THINK of him in any sexual way anymore because thats all i see even in my mind; him screwing prostitutes and whoever else, them sucking on his penis, him groping them, him penetrating them, them mounting him, him orgasming, etc.
It just so happens, he was a VIRGIN when he enlisted. It could have been and should have been me. It should have been for love.
And, hes only had sex ONCE since leaving the military. So basically every bit of sex hes ever had except ONE encounter was while in the military. So if he could hold out all these years why couldnt he have held out then. Would have given me more time to find a good moment to tell him how i felt.
At the same time as him rubbing all that in my face, hes been trying to convince me im THE ONE for him and he wants to marry me and have children with me. Uh, no. That dream died with his soul.
But im still attached to who he WAS, and trying to figure out how to break away from him completely, in my mind and my heart. ive been in love with him since 2007, and will always be in love with who he was then. Ending the ties, thus, is no easy task.
Worse still, is that while i was almost certain he was in love with me back then, (2007 2008 and possibly even while he was in the military and after) he has confirmed it, since he and i started dating. But he clearly does not love me NOW.
i lost my guy. Hes f*cking GONE. Our window has passed. And im left devastated.

Any and all advice is appreciated. i will hear all advice and commentary, even if its brutal honesty. i can handle it. And trust me whatever you have to say is nothing in comparison to what goes on in my mind in response to all this.

im expecting some people to try to change my mind on the military, in response to this post, though. Dont bother. it wont work. i mean you can try, but i wont budge. And its not the question im asking.
Military was always on my will never date list but then the guy i already was in love with enlisted. And it turned out exactly as i was expecting. Worse, actually.

Right, i forgot to mention he told me the Yakuza was running the prostitution. He knew that when he was doing it. So he was perfectly aware he was funding organized crime, and i have a very hard time believing he didnt know the prostitutes were most likely forced into doing it.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.

This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Well, the things he did with the prostitutes sound fairly normal to me. (Not that he was with prostitutes -- the sex acts.) You've answered your own question. The guy you wanted is gone. He's a different person now (if that's a bad thing.) It may be hard to move on, but life will be much harder if you don't.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

leftfield said:


> I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.
> 
> This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.


i would like to have heard your opinion on evrything, but still i thank you for the response.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Some problems have hard solutions. Some don't. 

Why are you making this into a problem with a difficult solution? You don't like this guy, you cannot possibly be in love with him in any meaningful way given your description of how he makes you feel, even if you are still infatuated with the person you met 14 years ago, who no longer exists, yet you need help in realizing what has to happen next?

Rip off the band-aid. Eject this guy from your life and get to the business of finding someone else.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Well, the things he did with the prostitutes sound fairly normal to me. (Not that he was with prostitutes -- the sex acts.) You've answered your own question. The guy you wanted is gone. He's a different person now (if that's a bad thing.) It may be hard to move on, but life will be much harder if you don't.


im assuming youve never experienced someone you love have sex with someone else. Youre very fortunate, then. it doesnt matter if it was someting extreme or something basic, it was him having sex with other people, and prostitutes to make it even worse. 
The point is, its excrutiatingly painful and disturbing no matter what was done, or who it was with.
i hope you understand a bit better now.
But aside from that, i thank you for your opinion.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

PeaPod said:


> It just so happens, he was a VIRGIN when he enlisted...And, he's only had sex ONCE since leaving the military. So basically every bit of sex he's ever had except ONE encounter was while in the military.


I'm a little slow sometimes. When were you two in bed for your to be disgusted?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

PeaPod said:


> im assuming youve never experienced someone you love have sex with someone else.


Au contraire



> it doesnt matter if it was someting extreme or something basic, it was him having sex with other people, and prostitutes to make it even worse.


I get that and fully understand your feelings about it. 



> The point is, its excrutiatingly painful and disturbing no matter what was done, or who it was with.


No doubt. 



> i hope you understand a bit better now.
> But aside from that, i thank you for your opinion.


That's a little snarky. I don't mind, but you might discourage others from commenting, and their advice is superior to anything I'd have to say. I've been where you are, and it's horrible. I hope you get some input here that helps.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Cletus said:


> Some problems have hard solutions. Some don't.
> 
> Why are you making this into a problem with a difficult solution? You don't like this guy, you cannot possibly be in love with him in any meaningful way given your description of how he makes you feel, even if you are still infatuated with the person you met 14 years ago, who no longer exists, yet you need help in realizing what has to happen next?
> 
> Rip off the band-aid. Eject this guy from your life and get to the business of finding someone else.


in love with who he was in the past, but yes. Those feelings are reserved for a former version of himself. Which even you say no longer exists, therefore it should not be so difficult to believe that my feelings for that person are very real. Not infatuation. Id say infatuation is more like what it became more recently, in addition to the longing for who he once was and the attachment he and i once had. He loved me too, back then.
im aware there may be a level of codependency present in the current times. i am aware of this. But this is what im tryig to figure out. And therapy is what i WANT but is out of reach right now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is there to say at this point? The past is done and over. There’s no point in holding on to it. Let go and move on.

BTW, I speak from long-ago experience (teenage girl in love with a boy who was sent to Japan for a couple of years).


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

leftfield said:


> I was going to try and respond to several of your points but I decided to keep this short.
> 
> This man is occupying way to much of your mental capacity. You are going to need to let go of what might have been. He was probably never who you thought he was, but you really hoped he was that person.


Forgot to respond to a part of what you said. He was exactly who i thought him to be.

Yes, he is a diferent person now. The one i fell in love with was emotionally dishonest, yes, also 18 years old so had some work to do on communcation but so did i. But not abusive, and he would never have bragged or rubbed something like that in my face. He had opportunities when other girls clung to him but never did. Plus he wold never have even imained having sex with prostitutes back then. In fact back then he was an avoidant. He changed very, very much in the military.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're in love with a ghost. The guy bedding you now is an immature pig - a piglet if you will. Do you really think he thinks you're the one when he's regaling you with stories of what he did with prostitutes? No, hon, he doesn't love you nor respect you. Run!


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I'm a little slow sometimes. When were you two in bed for your to be disgusted?


But before it had really sunken in.
i became disgusted to that point after having some time to process it. Have not had any sexual contact with him since. i believe i may be incapable.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> That's a little snarky. I don't mind, but you might discourage others from commenting, and their advice is superior to anything I'd have to say. I've been where you are, and it's horrible. I hope you get some input here that helps.


i didnt intend for it to be. i just thought you didnt understand what i meant or how i feel.
Just the fact that you thought i was being snarky when i wasnt is proof enough you misunderstand me. Perhaps you and i have a communication barrier.
i can be matter of fact, but it doesnt mean im trying to be snarky. 
When i have issues with people, im forthcoming. Trust me, the guy im asking about has had 1,000,000 earfuls. He knows EVERYTHING ive posted here. i just need some outside input. Hes contantly trying to convince me to stay with him. And yes it does make it harder to just settle on a choice. i got of topic.. i wasnt being snarky. We're cool.

Also, im very sorry for your experiences. Its so unbearably painful.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

PeaPod said:


> Forgot to respond to a part of what you said. He was exactly who i thought him to be.
> 
> Yes, he is a diferent person now. The one i fell in love with was emotionally dishonest, yes, also 18 years old so had some work to do on communcation but so did i. But not abusive, and he would never have bragged or rubbed something like that in my face. He had opportunities when other girls clung to him but never did. Plus he wold never have even imained having sex with prostitutes back then. In fact back then he was an avoidant. He changed very, very much in the military.


He was always this person. Back then, he just hadn't had the chances to show it yet. Do you really think someone made him into something else?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You love the image, the MEMORY, NOT the guy. He clearly isn't (AND WASN'T who you thought he was).
You said he WAS exactly that guy --- so, would THAT GUY immediately go to hookers in Japan to lose his virginity? He obviously, even THEN, didn't hold sex as anything special. You said he was maybe emotionally dishonesst back then -- WELL, He STILL is -- rubbing all this in your face tells you that he STILL has NO CLUE about emotions, namely YOURS.
He isn't caring towards you now. He thinks that he went off and sowed his wild oats, and YOU were just sitting there pining for him, and "Hey, isn't this great? I'm now back so, cool, right???"

If you can't afford therapy, there is a book called "Co-Dependent No More" -- get that for yourself and read...

So sorry that your memories have been so shattered...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you give this joker your virginity?


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> What is there to say at this point? The past is done and over. There’s no point in holding on to it. Let go and move on.
> 
> BTW, I speak from long-ago experience (teenage girl in love with a boy who was sent to Japan for a couple of years).


The past is never fully over, else it would not linger in the mind or through the outcomes it has created, nor would there be proof of its existence.
The now is the past, in the future. Is the now nothing? Will it someday be? Then we might as well all do whatever we want, since someday it will all amount to nothing.

Come at me with something better. Everyone knows the past is relevant.

And you list your source as a teenage girl who was in love with a boy who went to Japan. That says nothing at all of your ability to relate to me. Did he have sex with other people while you loved him? Did he brag about it to you or somehow rub it in your face at any point? If not, there is zero relevance in your supposed sourcing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is this awful man really who you want to be with? Just end it. Cut off all contact and tell him that he isn't to contact you again. Find yourself a decent man who will treat you with respect.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You're in love with a ghost. The guy bedding you now is an immature pig - a piglet if you will. Do you really think he thinks you're the one when he's regaling you with stories of what he did with prostitutes? No, hon, he doesn't love you nor respect you. Run!


Thanks Blondilocks. Youve actually used some of my own wording when describing it to him.
i appreciate your opinion and your concern for my well being.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

PeaPod said:


> Did he have sex with other people while you loved him? Did he brag about it to you or somehow rub it in your face at any point?


There are thousands of men who join the military. There are Thousands of them that use prostitutes. Most of them do not do this. You need to see what is actually right in front of you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

PeaPod said:


> im assuming youve never experienced someone you love have sex with someone else. Youre very fortunate, then. it doesnt matter if it was someting extreme or something basic, it was him having sex with other people, and prostitutes to make it even worse.
> The point is, its excrutiatingly painful and disturbing no matter what was done, or who it was with.
> i hope you understand a bit better now.
> But aside from that, i thank you for your opinion.


HIm having sex with prostitutes should make it easy to jettison him not harder.

He's low quality. Move on.

Why did you have sex with him now?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

PeaPod said:


> The past is never fully over, else it would not linger in the mind or through the outcomes it has created, nor would there be proof of its existence.
> The now is the past, in the future. Is the now nothing? Will it someday be? Then we might as well all do whatever we want, since someday it will all amount to nothing.
> 
> Come at me with something better. Everyone knows the past is relevant.
> ...


That was rather a ****ty response to someone who was attempting to help you.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

leftfield said:


> He was always this person. Back then, he just hadn't had the chances to show it yet. Do you really think someone made him into something else?


The military has a way of changing people. i know numerous people in the millitary, most of who were damaged by it. One is curently suicidal because of it. Yes, it does change people. Not entirely, but yes it does damage people. And the very beginning of training is loaded with psychological abuse and isolation. its no joke. Theres even more to it than that but thats a different discussion for another day.
Yes, i sincerely believe it changed him. i knew him for a few years before that. He was very different.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

PeaPod said:


> Any and all advice is appreciated. i will hear all advice and commentary, even if its brutal honesty. i can handle it. And trust me whatever you have to say is nothing in comparison to what goes on in my mind in response to all this.





PeaPod said:


> Come at me with something better.





PeaPod said:


> That says nothing at all of your ability to relate to me.


Well, okey dokey. I'm out of here. I doubt you're going to find that many people on this forum who are in need of as much therapy as you that they will be able to relate to you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

PeaPod said:


> Yes, i sincerely believe it changed him. i knew him for a few years before that. He was very different.


You're not married to him. You don't have to sleep with him. You don't have to raise his children, make his meals, or even acknowledge that he exists. The only thing tying you two together is a memory from a decade and a half ago that you are having difficulty forgetting. If you keep coming back for more punishment, you will have only yourself to blame. Not him, not the military, not 15 intervening years.

You and you alone. Do you want to do that to yourself?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Couple more things....

I do many of the things you describe the prostitutes doing for my husband. BUT him saying those things, not sure what his point was. I'd be totally turned off by basically being compared or encouraged to act like his prostitutes.

And get your self STD checked. Just because he says he wore a condom doesn't mean he didn't catch anything.

Just ICK.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You love the image, the MEMORY, NOT the guy. He clearly isn't (AND WASN'T who you thought he was).
> 
> i posted on this in response to leftfields similar comment.
> 
> ...


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Did you give this joker your virginity?


i would have, in the past. He was who i wanted it to be with. But things didnt work out as i mentioned above. No, i did not.

Again thanks for your concern. Much appreciated.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is this awful man really who you want to be with? Just end it. Cut off all contact and tell him that he isn't to contact you again. Find yourself a decent man who will treat you with respect.


i wish, Diana.
Thats what im hoping to do, but still have an attachment to this person. i thank you very much for your input and support.
Hopefully ill get there someday.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

leftfield said:


> There are thousands of men who join the military. There are Thousands of them that use prostitutes. Most of them do not do this. You need to see what is actually right in front of you.


i hear you.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> HIm having sex with prostitutes should make it easy to jettison him not harder.
> 
> He's low quality. Move on.
> 
> Why did you have sex with him now?


im not sure what jettison means ill have to look it up but i think i understand the context.

i did answer the question you asked, when someone else asked about it. i did while i was still processing the whole thing, and still thinking he was to some degree he guy he used to be. Then i processed it to the point that i felt disgusted by him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

PeaPod said:


> im not sure what jettison means ill have to look it up but i think i understand the context.
> 
> i did answer the question you asked, when someone else asked about it. i did while i was still processing the whole thing, and still thinking he was to some degree he guy he used to be. Then i processed it to the point that i felt disgusted by him.


Jettison is to get rid of; drop or throw; usually off a craft like a boat or plane


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

PeaPod said:


> i wish, Diana.
> Thats what im hoping to do, but still have an attachment to this person. i thank you very much for your input and support.
> Hopefully ill get there someday.


It's up to you to cut off that attachment. Only you can make that decision. 
Get yourself free to be able to meet a decent guy.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> That was rather a ****ty response to someone who was attempting to help you.


Read my response to blondilocks.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Cletus said:


> You're not married to him. You don't have to sleep with him. You don't have to raise his children, make his meals, or even acknowledge that he exists. The only thing tying you two together is a memory from a decade and a half ago that you are having difficulty forgetting. If you keep coming back for more punishment, you will have only yourself to blame. Not him, not the military, not 15 intervening years.
> 
> You and you alone. Do you want to do that to yourself?


i understand what youre saying. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Yeah i get it. But he will always be responsible for what he does. That wont change. im only responsible for what i do.
At any rate, this is why i made this thread, to get outside feedback and ive gotten quite a bit more than i expected.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Couple more things....
> 
> I do many of the things you describe the prostitutes doing for my husband. BUT him saying those things, not sure what his point was. I'd be totally turned off by basically being compared or encouraged to act like his prostitutes.
> 
> ...


Yes, as i said to someone else, anything done regardless of what it is is extremely painful. And of course him bragging about it to me only hurt even more.
i did. im clean. And i made him get tested before i was willing to have sex with him.
He never got tested on his own, and strangely thought he had never been tested but a friend of mine still in the military says they test for STDs yearly. i still dont know how he woudnt have known that. i would have thought it possible he was hiding something, but he did get tested whe i told him to, and he came out with nothing. Yes i saw the results. Before anyone asks.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Jettison is to get rid of; drop or throw; usually off a craft like a boat or plane


ahh aha hahahaha, yes thats an appealing idea. id love to kick him off of a boat or plane.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

PeaPod said:


> ahh aha hahahaha, yes thats an appealing idea. id love to kick him off of a boat or plane.


A navy boat?


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's up to you to cut off that attachment. Only you can make that decision.
> Get yourself free to be able to meet a decent guy.


Thanks Diana. i plan on talking to a friend of mine whos a therapist about this but want to think over exactly what i should say and ask because i dont want to bother her too too much. i take what she says to heart.
Asking here is kind of a precursor to that, to see what the public opinion is, and its unanymous. And also to get opinions from others since im mostly isolated right now. And yes, the isolation has quite a bit to do with the codependency. Theres a lot to it, far more than i have typed here, but its a heavy emotional load. and i will speak with my friend once i gather all of my thoughts. im also going to look at a book someone mentioned and see if it may be helpful to me.
i appreciate your advice and taking the time to read consider and respond.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> A navy boat?


Lol : )
That would be interesting. Especially since hes very jealous of a friend of mine whos in the navy.
He seems to want to believe sometings gonna happen with that friend even though ive known said friend almost 10 years and nothing has ever happened.
Maybe my friend and i should push him overboard together. Oohh. Team effort.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP, I don't understand why you like living in the past and dwelling amongst the what-ifs. The man has shown you who he is NOW. If you put the same energy into killing your feelings for him than you did in your graceless responses to people who value you more than you seem to value yourself, you could move on and live in the moment. 

What are you really trying to accomplish here?

Good luck to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

PeaPod said:


> Read my response to blondilocks.


Yes, you certainly did insult me when I attempted to help you by sharing my similar experience as a teenager.

I‘m sure you’ll figure it out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PeaPod said:


> Everyone knows the past is relevant.


Yes, the past is relevant. It shapes us into who we become. But although it is relevant, it doesn't need to be a controlling factor in how react now. It sounds like you might need to grieve the loss of this man. What's past is past. Perhaps you need to lay it to rest so you can get closure.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> OP, I don't understand why you like living in the past and dwelling amongst the what-ifs. The man has shown you who he is NOW. If you put the same energy into killing your feelings for him than you did in your graceless responses to people who value you more than you seem to value yourself, you could move on and live in the moment.
> 
> What are you really trying to accomplish here?
> 
> Good luck to you.


i dont understand why youre bothering to even post on a question you have no interest in taking seriously to a person you only intend on insulting. isnt that as big a waste of your time as me asking the question that you hate so much? Why are some people so hypocritical?
"Kiling" my feelings for him takes more than an hour, i assure you. And killing feelings is not part of the healing process anyway. Feeling them, processing them, talking about them, as i am here, is.
The past matters. Always has, always will. Only people trying to hide something or afraid of the past say it doesnt.
im only graceless to the graceless. Including you. No one who approaches me in such a fashion cares about me at all. Making those of you who do, just as bad as he is. Even though those of you who are nasty or uncaring, all hate him. First look within yourselves. However, some very lovely people have come here and answered my question seriously And THEIR answers, and THEIR time is valuable to me. Not yours. Silly goose.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Yes, the past is relevant. It shapes us into who we become. But although it is relevant, it doesn't need to be a controlling factor in how react now. It sounds like you might need to grieve the loss of this man.


Now THATS a good answer on the past.
The grieving process has already begun. Thats what this is. Its a part of it. So is the being disgusted with him with what hes done, seeing it for what it is, coming out of the denial, reaching out about it. Thats all part of the grieving process. And theres a lot more to go.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you certainly did insult me when I attempted to help you by sharing my similar experience as a teenager.
> 
> I‘m sure you’ll figure it out.





PeaPod said:


> The past is never fully over, else it would not linger in the mind or through the outcomes it has created, nor would there be proof of its existence.
> The now is the past, in the future. Is the now nothing? Will it someday be? Then we might as well all do whatever we want, since someday it will all amount to nothing.
> 
> Come at me with something better. Everyone knows the past is relevant.
> ...


Re read it. Me disagreeing with you is not me insuting you. Learn to see things for what they are.
ill summarize what i said to you earlier:
1. The past matters. (Dont ever tell anyone it doesnt. Lest someone say it to you when youre hurting. Its also just an extremely uncaring and insensitive thing to say to anyone hurting. But foremost, its incorrect.)
2. You having been in love with a boy who went to Japan has zero relevance to what im going through.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

PeaPod said:


> i dont understand why youre bothering to even post on a question you have no interest in taking seriously to a person you only intend on insulting. isnt that as big a waste of your time as me asking the question that you hate so much? Why are some people so hypocritical?
> "Kiling" my feelings for him takes more than an hour, i assure you. And killing feelings is not part of the healing process anyway. Feeling them, processing them, talking about them, as i am here, is.
> The past matters. Always has, always will. Only people trying to hide something or afraid of the past say it doesnt.
> im only graceless to the graceless. Including you. No one who approaches me in such a fashion cares about me at all. Making those of you who do, just as bad as he is. Even though those of you who are nasty or uncaring, all hate him. First look within yourselves. However, some very lovely people have come here and answered my question seriously And THEIR answers, and THEIR time is valuable to me. Not yours. Silly goose.


To answer your question, I took the time because you seemed like you were in pain and needed someone to say it was ok to let go. 

No-one has been nasty to you, or hates anyone. However, your petty response has made me wonder how old you are if you have had a romantic relationship in your life because now you are coming across as melodramatic and ridiculous.

Honestly, make an appointment with a therapist, if you can stand to hear anything other than what you want to hear.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Honestly I don’t even understand what the problem is. You are repulsed by this man. Move on. It really is that simple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PeaPod said:


> The military has a way of changing people. i know numerous people in the millitary, most of who were damaged by it. One is curently suicidal because of it. Yes, it does change people. Not entirely, but yes it does damage people. And the very beginning of training is loaded with psychological abuse and isolation. its no joke. Theres even more to it than that but thats a different discussion for another day.
> Yes, i sincerely believe it changed him. i knew him for a few years before that. He was very different.


I served in the US Army and have known hundreds, if not thousands who served. It's patently untrue that the military damages most who serve. Sure there are some who do suffer from things like PTSD because of war. But most do not. Most military members never go to war zones. Psychological abuse and isolation are not an issue in the military.

To me it sounds like you are making excuse for this guys behavior. If he's got problems now, they most likely existed before he entered the military.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

i will respond to more messages if they come in, but for now, thank you to everyone who came here with heartfelt and/or sincere advice. Your words thoughts and time are valuable and i took them very seriously. 
so, basically the consensus is to kick him out of my life, and find someone better. i got it. Easier said than done, but i got the message.

The three trolls that came in here can kiss my tucus. i may have a hard time separating from him but i dont know you trolls and so giving you the boot is easy peasy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

PeaPod said:


> Re read it. Me disagreeing with you is not me insuting you. Learn to see things for what they are.
> ill summarize what i said to you earlier:
> 1. The past matters. (Dont ever tell anyone it doesnt. Lest someone say it to you when youre hurting. Its also just an extremely uncaring and insensitive thing to say to anyone hurting. But foremost, its incorrect.)
> 2. You having been in love with a boy who went to Japan has zero relevance to what im going through.


I‘m not one to dwell on the past so, to me, it doesn’t matter. To you, it does. Carry on.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I served in the US Army and have known hundreds, if not thousands who served. It's patently untrue that the military damages most who serve. Sure there are some who do suffer from things like PTSD because of war. But most do not. Most military members never go to war zones. Psychological abuse and isolation are not an issue in the military.
> 
> To me it sounds like you are making excuse for this guys behavior. If he's got problems now, they most likely existed before he entered the military.



lol i knew it was only a matter of time before one of you military fanatics came in here with that nonsense. Like i said, i know plenty of people in the military, and yes, the military does psychologically abuse people. Among other things. i have yet to hear a single happy story from anyone i know who has ever been in. Whether in combat or not. And i know people from every branch.

And yes, the military changed him among other people i know. i guess you didnt read my comment on this in response to someone else.

im not making excuses for anyone. Not for you, not for anyone else. But yes, one thing i didnt mention is that the military aims for young impressionable people and people in desparation. Easier to manipulate psychologically. He was one of the young AND desparate whn he was recruited. But it was primarily financially. He told me the main reason he enlisted was for 3 square meals a day. Another friend enlisted to be with his daughter which they promised and never fulfilled. Another joined for the promise of her college tuition being payed which was never fulfilled. Three different branches, Marines, Navy, Army, in that order. The one thing they all have in common? They all say the military didnt care abut them at ALL. If youd like, i can have my navy buddy post here. ill give him the link so he can write his take.

i wonder if youre a recruiter.. Recruiters jobs are to harvest the souls so they always lie to people about what the military is like what it will give and what it will do for people, rather than what it will take and hat it will do TO people. And then when, inevitably, people get out of the military they are left with nothing. And the VA screws them too. Most people deeply regret ever enlisting. And theres a reason for that. And very many end up still financially struggling afterward or even homeless.

Being manipulated, abused, isolated, and treated as if youre worth absolutely nothing does things to people, yes it does. But at no point did i say that he didnt make his own choices in response to that pain and that loneliness. Youre gathering something from nothing.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I‘m not one to dwell on the past so, to me, it doesn’t matter. To you, it does. Carry on.


Someone that doesnt dwell on the past doesnt keep posting that i wronged her by disagreeing. Carry on.


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## PeaPod (Apr 12, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> To answer your question, I took the time because you seemed like you were in pain and needed someone to say it was ok to let go.
> 
> No-one has been nasty to you, or hates anyone. However, your petty response has made me wonder how old you are if you have had a romantic relationship in your life because now you are coming across as melodramatic and ridiculous.
> 
> Honestly, make an appointment with a therapist, if you can stand to hear anything other than what you want to hear.


You commented here to be condescendng at the very least. And then to deny it and act as though you meant well. Narcissism aint no joke.
i suggest you see a therapist yourself. But narcissists are the least likely to do so.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Forget it. Not worth it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

PeaPod said:


> is it a good book? Have you read it? Whats your take on it. i will take a lok at it but id like your opinion. i hope youre not just throwing a random book on the subject at me : )
> Yeah i suppose some would find it strange that im perfectly aware this is a codependent attachent at this point and yet still on the fence about what to do about this attachment. My inner workings are complicated.


I personally have NOT read this book -- because I'm not co-dependent. However, this is pretty much the standard, go-to book for folks that ARE co-dependent, based on MANY MANY recommendations from this and other forums.
I DO hope that it helps you.
I still strongly believe that for you "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and has given you a rose-colored view of his pre-enlistment self. He didn't just "BECOME" this new guy -- these tendencies were always in him to do this. They may NOT have manifested yet when you knew him, but it was there nonetheless.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

*Before anyone else wastes their time composing a reply like I was going to, notice the op is banned and the thread screams of troll.*


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Trident said:


> Before anyone else wastes their time composing a reply like I was going to, notice the op is banned and the thread screams of troll.


She was appropriately banned, but I'm not convinced she was a troll. She is very troubled, and I hope she gets some relief.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This thread is closed since the OP has been banned.


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