# Caught her cheating - devastated



## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.

8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.

My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty. I have been there fore my wife but no amount of my seduction or attempts won her over - but this friend did.

I want out but for the sake of the kids, I am choosing to hang in there.

We are all deeply embedded in church life and I am quiting the ministry I am leading. The guy is also in ministry. I want out but I am afraid to make the decision to actually get out bse I love my kids. I feel very negative feelings towards her at the moment.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Expose them both to the congregation - the elders for certain and any others in positions that assign ministries within the church.

These two immoral people should not be in a position to influence unsuspecting parishioners.

How old are you? About 35? 
Why do you want to subject your children to a toxic environment? 

An environment where coldness and disorder reigns? 

They see you go to church and talk about one thing and then go home and act a different way. Very confusing for children that are trying to understand how people act with one another.

They will learn that acting cold and indifferent to people is okay. A normal way to act. 

Do you want to see your children grow up to behave like your wife? deceptive? Cold? Dishonest in social interactions?

That's what they're learning from both of you. 

So WHAT if they are with you only 50% of the time? At least they will get a better education (by example) of how relationships work.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

discern said:


> Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.
> 
> 8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.
> 
> ...


If your wife has always been emotionally absent then why did you marry her? Also, women are emotional creatures, so if she wasn't being emotional with you then she was being emotional with somebody else. I'd bet dollars to pesos that this isn't her first rodeo.

As for the guy, I'd tell his wife, beat the piss out of him, quote Leviticus 20:10 and remind him that he got off easy.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You say : "My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty."

Why then stay married to someone like that for 11 years ? Your oldest is 7 so that means you put up with that from her for the first 3+ years before she was even pregnant. Don't get that ?

What exactly did she admit to 3 days ago ? an EA or a PA ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm pro marriage all the way, but from day one of your marriage your wife has taken your man hood and but in a box in the back of the closet. Sorry brother but thats what I'm getting from your post.

The second thing I'm getting is what a terrible example you are giving your kids by being a doormat to this women. yes the cycle will continue...why not what you and your wife have done is give them a crappy example of a healthy marriage.

I suggest you turn this around and show your kids a happy father by getting out of the 11 year hell and finding a women that has respect and the ablity to give your kids a healthy example of a relationship.

I would be allabout fighting this affair but when you thru in the fact that since day one your oldlady has been emotionally shut down well that says a alot to me.

but for the sake of continueing the torture your best bet to make this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue is to expose it.

I spent 13 years giving my kids a poor example of a marriage...its time to change. Its time you found the good that another women can offer and respect the man that you could be.

She caught you for the security and stablity you have to offer, and found other men to meet her sexual needs. Heaven forbid she be honest with you and tell you what she really desires, that would be to shameful and humiliating to be honest with her husband.

If you want this marriage you have to give her the perception that you are confident in letting her go, but I think she has your number and knows you ain't going anywere.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get tested for stds and DNA the kids I have a feeling this is the tip of the iceberg. Expose them at the church also what scum.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

If you stay with her for the kids you're teaching the kids that it's normal for a betrayed spouse to put up with a cheater, who shows no compassion, affection, or love for their partner.

You're not doing them any favors. 

Don't believe me? Read about what's better for children.. staying in a bad intact marital home versus growing up with each parent living separate and apart.

Oh, and one last thing. Are you really staying with her only "for the good of the kids?". I see that a lot on here and I wonder if that's just an excuse, the real reasons being the cost of divorce, the fear of starting life over again, finding a new place to live, meeting someone new, etc..


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not stay just for the children, it never works out and in the end the kids will hate and blame you. Ask her to leave and go talk to an attorney. You need to get control. If you do not love her nor want to work it out, then D.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi - I am very sorry this happened to you. Read the newbie link in my signature.

I totally agree with the STD and DNA testing.

I also agree that staying for the kids is a huge mistake. Many people make it. Kids always know something's wrong, and they deserve to grow up without the hate and resentment poisoning their view of marriage. They deserve to have a happy father who respects himself. You can only be that father when you are free of your toxic wife.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DO NOT fight the other man.

1. First punch is a felony in many states.
2. It ups her cred and removes yours in any court cases that you ARE going to be going through.

I'm perry sure screwing another guy is one of the outs even the bible allows.

YOU APPEAR WEAK. No penalty for infidelity? Wow what an opportunity that is!!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose this to the church elders now!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Seriously, the first thing you need to read is Married Man Sex Life Primer. This explains the male/ female dynamic that has always been missing in your marriage. It is not a sex manual, (just poorly named)

What is your wife saying/wanting to do?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

This forum will give you all kinds of support and help 

Good luck and prayers
Chap


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Thanks a great deal to y'all. I feel quite better knowing there are people out there listening and willing to assist.

I am 40 now, and yes, I put up with the crap with the hope that one day things will change - you are right - they only got worse. I hear what you are saying about giving a bad example for the kids.

She confessed only to an EA and not physical although the texts do suggest a PA. Without evidence, it is hard. I forced the guy to show me the texts. She had been deleting her texts. I had confronted her about my miscomfort with the guy but rather than stop she went underground and started to erase the messages.

I have checked and I am HIV negative. Even if the kids were not mine by DNA, I would still be their father. So, the DNA tests will not say much.

I informed the senior pastor and he is taking us thru counselling and assumes this is what I want. I want out. I want to start again with someone who desires to have a long term relationship. 

I am a person of stability and have had it with the tumultous marriage we have had. Thanks again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Then its time to ask to leave and inform her you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife. 
You may not have the hard evidience at hand but you know damb well that this women is sleeping with another man and is crawling back in bed with you at the end of the day...at the very least have her sleep in the spare bed room.

The DNA test is just a tactice, of course your kids will be your kids no matter what, but this tactic is an action that shows your wayward wife that there are consequences and that consequence is having to get this test done due to her decietful actions.

The DNA changes nothing between you and the kids, but it does make a clear statement about your wayward wife and her action/behavior. It call her character into being accountable.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Drop the church counseling. There is no point to any sort of counseling unless her boyfriend goes too because your "marriage" consists of three people not two. 

Are you in a no-fault state? Most are. See a lawyer tomorrow. Find out what your responsibilities and rights are. 

Secure your financial records and separate the bank funds but don't try to be cute and hide assets. In the long run it will hurt much more than help. Download the 180 guide and institute it. 

Don't argue with her at all. Don't pout, scowl, or otherwise show a disagreeable demeanor. Act with confidence. You are the head of your family and you will take care of your children, show them love - including not driving a wedge between them and her. 

She wants to rent her ass out to someone else. Fine. You have no part of that. None at all. Detach from her. Don't let her engage you in any conversation that does not deal directly and exclusively with the children's health and well-being or with plans for separation. 

Every thing else is answered with "I don't care to discuss that now - but thanks anyway" 

Walk away from any argument she starts. If you've been doing domestic chores do only the ones that involve you or your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want out of the marriage then file for divorce. Ask for 50% custody of your children.

Your childen will be ok if you work with them to help them through this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Did the om tell his wife? Make sure she knows about this.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Damn obviously coveting was not covered in the last Sunday go to meeting. Read the newbie stuff sir I did, they will help. From your description its a bare minimum EA. Try and nuke that as best you can before it goes even further south. Good luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

discern said:


> Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.
> 
> 8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.
> 
> *My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married* and has been pretty nasty. I have been there fore my wife but no amount of my seduction or attempts won her over - but this friend did.


She already had side action at the time is my guess. These behaviors are pretty standard when another guy(s) is in the mix. They shut you out as part of the justification for the affairs they're having. That way they can tell themselves they don't have a real marriage, so they can't be a real adulteress. It's the female Rationalization Hamster. Most likely, as someone else has already suggested, your wife saw you as a beta provider guy who would provide a home for her and HER children.



discern said:


> I want out but for the sake of the kids, I am choosing to hang in there.


That's noble. Kids from intact families almost always do better than those from divorced families. Unfortunately, your wife may not make that possible.



discern said:


> We are all deeply embedded in church life and I am quiting the ministry I am leading.


Why? Are you a volunteer church member or are you on the payroll?



discern said:


> The guy is also in ministry.


Payroll or volunteer? Is he married? What's his status with the leadership? Any fallout?



discern said:


> I want out but I am afraid to make the decision to actually get out bse I love my kids. I feel very negative feelings towards her at the moment.


As well you should. 



discern said:


> Even if the kids were not mine by DNA, I would still be their father. So, the DNA tests will not say much.


They'll tell you a little more about who you're married to.



discern said:


> I informed the senior pastor


What's the fallout for OM?



discern said:


> and he is taking us thru counselling and assumes this is what I want. I want out.


Tell the pastor that after much prayer and scriptural review that you have decided to write her out a bill of divorcement just as YHWH did for Israel. Why does he assume that you want to reconcile? There is certainly no scriptural requirement to do so.



discern said:


> I want to start again with someone who desires to have a long term relationship.


At your age, you'll be in great demand and you should be able to pick up a nice 32 year old with a sunny disposition. Or two.
If you take the time to learn what makes women tick. And it's not what the church is pushing. The American evangelical movement is in the feminist tank. Actually, it gave birth to the tank.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

discern said:


> Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.
> 
> 8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.
> 
> ...


Dear discern,

As a Christian, you know that you have an obligation to protect your wife and preserve your marriage. You don't do that by being a doormat. Rather, you have an obligation to do everything you can to get her to acknowledge that she has done wrong and want to reconcile with you.

You will get good advice here but it's up to you to put it into action. One of the first lessons you need to learn is that, to stop an affair, it must be exposed. The second is that only firmness on your part will turn your wife's heart. As long as you fail to take strong action, you simply facilitate her infidelity and reinforce her opinion that you are an inadequate partner.

If you really love your wife and kids, you will fight for your marriage and won't shy away from doing whatever it takes to save it.

Pray for wisdom, patience and, most of all, courage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

This is such an awesome site with so many seeing through the B.S. of staying in a toxic marriage "for the sake of the kids".

You do the exact opposite: leave a toxic marriage for the sake of teaching the kids that you don't suffer emotional or physical abuse out of misguided motivations. 

I'm not religious. But divorce has been accepted by Christianity so let's not use that as a guilt-trip to keep someone in a bad marriage and especially not when the spouse is screwing some other man.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Valid reasons to divorce according to the bible.
1) Infidelity
2) Abandonment

Is an emotional affair considered infidelity?

Matthew 5:28

"But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Of course this was written when women were property. If a woman committed adultery she would simply be stoned to death. Now that women are no longer property they must abide by the same rules that govern men. So replace _woman_ with _person_ in the above biblical quote in order to make it more applicable to modern day Christianity.

Being a martyr for God is laudible. Being a martyr for another human being is not. You have a responsibility toward your children to set a good Christian example. Lead them as a good Christian man should.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Physical adultery is reason for divorce for Christians.

Does the OM admit physical affair?

How did you force him to give you the texts?

Texts can be recovered from some smart phones.

Check phone records for quantities of calls and texts.

If you want , your attorney can get the messages and emails.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you know you want out, you should be honest with your wife and pastor on the front end.

Good luck, sorry for the spot you are in.

WD


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

The key principles I pick from here are:

1. Do not be a doormat - be firm/assertive (thanks, I think I was spiralling down emotional-ville... anger and the like)

2. Expose the affair (I have been trying to guard our reputation - clearly it was not working and was causing me more anxiety). How do I expose without "washing my dirty linen in public"?

3. Implement the 180 principles (good stuff).

The texts were on WhatsApp = a free to use internet based text-messaging system so what has been deleted cannot be recovered. I do not want to involve lawyers at this stage - too costly. I got him to give me his phone by asking for it. He is not married, he is 15 years her junior - now that makes me feel even more humiliated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What sucks is his WW will sense that he really really really wants out and she will say anything to keep the status quo.The last thing WW wants is losing her meal ticket.

Don't fall for the fake tears, they are for her and what she is about to lose...it will have nothing to do with what she has done to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

discern said:


> The key principles I pick from here are:
> 
> 1. Do not be a doormat - be firm/assertive (thanks, I think I was spiralling down emotional-ville... anger and the like)
> 
> ...


3) always ask for the support for your marriage, I understand you are done, but asking for support for the marriage makes you look less like a jealous vandictive husband.

" I'm calling cuz I need your support for the marriage WW has been in an adultorous relationship with OM and I want to inform you that may current path is something I need to do to stop the emotional torture I have been going thru"


This isn't your dirty laundry it is your wife's dirty laundry and she had the choice to prevent her laundry from getting dirty by keeping her vows.

From were I'm sitting your your laundry is still clean!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't your fault, it was a choice your wife made. No matter how hard she blameshifts this issue, it was always her choice to decieve you instead of taking the hard road and address the marital issue's and leave the marriage.

Again her decieption was her choice...no matter how much she tries to rewrite the marital history. Even if this was the worlds most unhealthy marriage she made her choice to decieve you instead of getting out.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

discern said:


> He is not married, he is 15 years her junior - now that makes me feel even more humiliated.


Well, that means a 99% certainty she was the aggressor. As for humiliation, he probably has a higher sex rank than you, just by virtue of being 25 yrs old. Every woman I interacted with who was over 2 years older than me was always the aggressor.

ETA: Am I correct that you have decided on divorce?


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

As a way of feedback, I want to say thank you all for the encouragement and support I got from this forum. I was able to expose the affair, become assertive and amd now doing the 180. Still with the wife in the house but in 5 months, I will make the final decision - she stays/goes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything! *


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to expose the OM big time. He claims to be a man of god, yet he's preyed on another man's wife and family. That kind of man cannot be trusted consel or lead people, he is a predator using the faith as a way to cloak his true intent.

Expose him and expose him wide and hard.

start with cheaterville.com and the church.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

The best time to divorce with children is when they are very young (like yours) or grown or nearly grown (17-18).

The worst time for the children is when they are pre-teens or teens.

If you want to divorce, don't wait.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

discern said:


> As a way of feedback, I want to say thank you all for the encouragement and support I got from this forum. I was able to expose the affair, become assertive and amd now doing the 180. Still with the wife in the house but in 5 months, I will make the final decision - she stays/goes.


Has she been STD tested? What is your wife acting like?


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