# Husbands affairs



## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cheaters lie.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I agree, you won't be able to ever fully trust him again. He's a cheater, and a liar. Of those things you can be sure.
He has humiliated you to the point that even your own sisters had to tell you about it. How did they find out about something he did out of town? 

Make a list of all of your questions and then have him take a polygraph. Then maybe you can put it as behind you as possible and move on if that is your decision.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Once you know you're married to a cheater it's very difficult to trust again. You'll likely never again trust as completely as you did when you thought your spouse was faithful. And you shouldn't. 

That's just the reality of moving forward after infidelity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He remembers but just does not want to tell you any details. That's because the more he tells you, the more you will find out that there is a lot more that you have yet to find out. The only way he can cover for all the cheating that you do not know about it to not talk about it. And the best way to not talk about it is to claim that he does not remember.

Cheaters lie, it's part of the game that they play.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lillotta83 said:


> My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.


I'm sorry to say it looks like you've got yourself a serial cheater - who wants you to believe that he's always 'drunk' the minute he's away from home for business and apparently, that evil booze keeps making him cheat on you. 

Does this fool actually listen to himself when he talks?

He doesn't want to admit to you that he cheated because he WANTED to. Plain and simple. Not because booze made him do it, not because he's got some kind of disorder, not because he got picked on in 4th grade and has self esteem issues, not because daddy used to beat his ass when he when stayed out past curfew years ago, and not because his job is boring or stressful.

He did it because he *wanted* to. And because he had all the opportunity in the world to get away with it while away from home, out from under your watchful eye. And he got to have the thrill and excitement of having sex with a different woman and having a different sexual experience. But it's pretty rare when a cheater actually admits this. So instead, he'll use liquor as an excuse, or you being a witch to him, or not getting enough sex at home, and blah blah blah. Most cheaters have an excuse wheel - they simply spin it and whatever it lands on, that's the excuse they'll use. 

The honest truth is, most people are only as honest as their options. And his 'options' - once he's away from home on business - are limitless and he can get away with whatever he wants.

And that's what he's been doing for years. Not just a couple of times.

You've only scratched the surface with this opportunistic cheater. Only the very surface.

And if he's still lying...which HE IS...then you don't even consider reconciliation. Actually, you shouldn't anyway because he's a serial cheater and will cheat again, sure as the sun rises.


Sorry. :frown2:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If he's confessed to cheating on you three times with two different women, and he's had a similar lifestyle - business travel - for many years, then you need to assume the truth is that he's cheated many many times. Because he wanted to and he could.

You absolutely should trust him to be himself. And himself is someone who cheats on his wife when he's away from home, maybe even when he's not away. So, you know that and can trust in that. It's a proven fact. What you cannot trust him to be is honest or faithful. Because he is not those things.

Know with certainty that you cannot change him, fix him, save him, or make him decide to change or fix himself. He's a grown man, and he's in charge of making his own choices. If his choice is infidelity and an infidelity-enabling lifestyle, then your only choices are to leave or stay. If you stay, you'll need to figure out a way to be okay with knowing he's unfaithful - just accept it as fact, don't worry about it, and be happy with your marriage as it actually is regardless of his activities when he's out of your sight. Some people can do that. Some cannot, or simply don't want to because the very idea is repellent to them. If you're one of the ones who cannot, you should get a divorce. What you shouldn't do is spend years of your life trying to convince him to change, monitoring him for signs he's cheating again, and living in constant worry about what he's up to, or hoping to make him "get it". That would just be damaging to you, and he's already caused enough damage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rowan said:


> You absolutely should trust him to be himself. And himself is someone who cheats on his wife when he's away from home, maybe even when he's not away. So, you know that and can trust in that. It's a proven fact. What you cannot trust him to be is honest or faithful. Because he is not those things.
> 
> Know with certainty that you cannot change him, fix him, save him, or make him decide to change or fix himself.
> 
> ...


This is so very true.

You need to trust in him completely.

Trust that he is an unrepentant, unremorseful, serial cheater.

Trust that everything out of his mouth is a lie and manipulation.

Trust that he has so little regard for you that he blows off your questions with a 12 year old's attempt to claim no memory.

Trust that this is who and what he is and that you cannot change him no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love, no matter how pretty and sexy you are and no matter how much your kids will benefit from a devoted father.


Trust that he sucks.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Because he wanted to and he could.
> 
> You absolutely should trust him to be himself.
> 
> ...


This is the gospel. Right here....

I haven't cheated on any of my 3 wives. However, I am honest, and I can tell you of a fact that what he told you is bs. I was "on the other side" of adultery with my first. That's how I know what Rowan said is the 100% accurate truth.

I didn't learn, nor accept this truth, immediately when I found out. I tried all the convincing, cajoling, pleading, the "pick me" game.......it took me a year and a half to come to the point of recognition that all those things are damaging to me, and had no effect at all upon her.

And, I learned another important truth....that those actions all had the common prerequisite basis that I believed HER LIE that she cheated because of me, what I did and didn't do..... and that lie was unmitigated horse$hit

Hopefully, you will accept this truth today, and act accordingly to what your own conscience tells you is right.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> He doesn't want to admit to you that he cheated because he WANTED to. Plain and simple. Not because booze made him do it, not because he's got some kind of disorder, not because he got picked on in 4th grade and has self esteem issues, not because daddy used to beat his ass when he when stayed out past curfew years ago, and not because his job is boring or stressful.
> 
> He did it because he wanted to.


This is also the gospel. Please accept this as your chief truth, alongside what Rowan said.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Lillotta83 said:


> My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.


Are his answers to you BS? Depends what you are asking and you haven't told us exactly what you are asking him. Since you are involved with counseling my advice is to ask very specific questions during your counseling session and if you aren't satisfied with the answer ask the counselor if they think his answer is fair, or if you are being unreasonable in asking for that detail. 

You don't have to trust him again and I don't think full trust should be your goal. Trust but verify, should be your high water mark and he needs to accept this.


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

I wish it were that easy to just walk away, we have been married for 35 years. His last one night stand or the last one he confessed to having was 20 years ago. One of my sisters had heard it from a friend at a party, she then shared it with my other sisters. They kept it a secret for a few years also. That's a whole nother story. I felt betrayed by them also for not telling me or forcing him to confess. He begged me for a second chance that night and it took awhile but we moved on, it wasn't easy. I tried to believe he was a changed man and then 20 years later I caught him in so many lies, stupid stuff and it just brought everything back up to the surface. I told him I've had it, and it better all come out. That's when the counseling started, after a few sessions he told me a few things that he had kept secret but swears that those are the only affairs he has had. He has closed all social media sites (upon my concern for these accounts) and he has let me talk(vent) about my feelings but it's just the answer of I dont know or I dont remember that is just killing me. I asked him why? (I dont know) where? In his truck but ( I dont remember location) how did it start? (I dont know) what was it about her? (I dont know) for over ten years he had kept this a secret and I just don't understand how he could lie to me all those years, he sat across from me all those years while we celebrated our wedding anniversaries, he could look me in the eye and pretend. I feel like such a fool. I have never been unfaithful to him. I'm just crushed that after he begged for a second chance he chose to lie to me again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He is who he is. If you plan to stay then you need to accept that he will lie when he feels it benefits him. 

I was married to my cheater longer than you've been married to your cheater. I never got the truth and I finally divorced him decades after I should have. It definitely wasn't easy but I'm very glad I did. I have peace in my life for the first time ever. 

Just something for you to keep in the back of your mind in case you decide it won't work.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Lillotta83 said:


> My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.



If he drank enough to black-out it's very unlikely he would have had enough blood-flow to have sex anyways (whiskey-****). 

He may have drank, but, not enough to not remember what he has done to you. He has no respect for you, probably thinks you're ugly or something. Ruin him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lillotta83 said:


> My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.


*Either he comes totally clean with you, or you clean him out of your life!

Time for a possibly life-altering "Come to Jesus Meeting!"*


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I have been married for over 30 years as well. After feeling something was off started looking at his texts. A lot of texts to a female coworker... some work, some mildly flirty and some who knows "come back.... meet me in this room... im waiting....

He had excuses for everything. he said hed never been to her house, didnt know where she lived...then I find out hes been at least 4 times to help her with moving things, dig holes for her...(she has a boyfriend but hes not very handy ) We went to marriage counselling where things seemed sometimes to improve and he listened to my concerns-later I found out he had continued to lie to me and the counselor- he had continued to delete her texts and call logs "to avoid me freaking out" for at least 6 months.

He went to get a polygraph under threat of separation and he came out deceptive. He thought it was going to be about being physical with her but I generalized the question to cheating on me with anyone. He then said that was because he had "kissed" several different girls while out of town over the years after dancing with them and he was drunk and didnt think hed get caught....we went to a 2nd polygraph appointment where he convinced the polygrapher not to administer the test because he couldnt remember when the last one was or how many girls there were that he'd "kissed" over the years. 

In the end I decided to stay with him and work on the marriage. (I'd had an affair 25 years earlier so felt in some ways I deserved this) Many things have improved. We are much closer now, share more intimacy and have a happier marriage. We meet each others needs and behave towards each other with more kindness and compassion. 

However........I will never fully trust him. I developed OCD in relation to his lies and deceptions and the uncertainty that goes with that. The OCD is mostly gone after 6 months of medication. The MC said in order to stay with him and live the remainder of our lives together I needed to accept that I will never know what happened and I will have to accept that he is a habitual liar. He lies about the most rediculous things sometimes. 

It is not easy. Sometimes it is very hard. We do love each other and have been with each other for the majority of our lives. We are at a time and space where we can enjoy the sacrifices we have made over the years and can now travel, pursue hobbies , and look forward to grandchildren together. This is worth it to me. 

I have the marriage and husband I always wanted. We recently went on vacation with 3 other couples who bickered and argued and avoided each others company when they could. We carved out time for each other, took days to be just on our own and enjoyed each others company. We sleep often in each others arms. He holds my hand. He surprises me with little gifts. We vocalize our appreciation for each other.

BUT.........again I say........I will never fully trust him, I still gps his car from time to time and occassionaly look at his phones. For me living with the uncertainty can sometimes be painful. I do know with certainty that he cheated on me to varying degrees during our marriage. ( I also had an A and he has to live with that knowledge) I also know with certainty that he will lie in the future (as all people do) R is not for everyone. So far it is worth it for me. You have to decide with MC and IC if it would be worth it for you. That is your decision alone. Most people here will tell you to D. I would say in my case R was the right decision.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Lillotta83 said:


> My husband and I have been together since high school. I always thought of our marriage as being perfect, I never thought he would ever cheat on me. One of my sisters asked me if I would ever want to know if my husband ever cheated, I said absolutely, that's when she told me that her and my other sisters had heard that my husband had sex while working out of town 10 years before. I was devastated. I asked him about it and of course he denied it again and again. A couple months went by and things were so tense between us, I knew he was lying to me, we were sitting on the couch and he got up and went to our room, I knew something was wrong so I followed him. He was getting a duffel bag out and I looked at him and asked him what he was doing, he turned to me and said yes it was true and that it happened more than once. He said it happened twice with that girl and again one other time (another out of town trip) but had no memory of it. He pretty much blamed it on the alchohol. He has given very little information, he claims he doesn't remember why he cheated, he always answers my questions with I don't know or I don't remember. Is there any man out there that has cheated on his wife that would be honest with me and tell me if this is just bs? This has happened many years ago now but he's always played (amnesia) I thought we were doing good putting it behind us after the initial discovery but after some time (many years) I started catching him in many lies about all sorts of things and I finally had enough and I finally told him I've had enough, I'm to old for this and if he was going to continue to lie to me then I was done. That is when we started counseling. It has helped with him actually listening to me when I vent about his betrayal and how it has made me feel and with him being able to somewhat talk to me, but I still feel like he is keeping secrets from me and lying to me. I dont know if I will ever fully trust him, especially with so few details and the usual I dont remember.


You'll never get the truth. In my situation I've found texts on my wife's phone multiple times from multiple men. Even with her knowing that I've not only seen the texts but have taken screenshots of them she still always says the same thing how they're just friends, "it was one stupid text", that the text was unsolicited or whatever else. With the exception of this last time, I had only seen suggestive and explicit texts from them and not her. This last time I've seen them talk about their feelings for each other, how often they see each other, and even how when the OM asked her to talk dirty to him she replied that she would but he had to download a messaging app so that there was less of a chance that I found find anything if I looked. And even with all of that, she still denied that she's done anything wrong. The only thing she finally admitted to was kissing him, but that was it.


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## Lifesontheup (Jun 1, 2018)

I spent 18 years with my husband who was a liar and a cheater. Sometimes enough is enough and its time to move on. Or you accept it. Its up to you, do you really want to live with him knowing what he truly is?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll go ahead and suggest what it usually suggested right off the bat - a polygraph.


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

Thank you everyone for posting, I appreciate all the advice you have given. I take it o e day at a time. That's all I can do. Some days are good some are a struggle. It's the betrayal that is so hard to get past. It's hard to realize what someone is really capable of


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

It's the old, "I was drunk and don't remember" defense. He's a liar and serial cheater, and he'll say anything you are gullible enough to believe. Divorce him (with the aid of a barracuda attorney).


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lillotta83 said:


> Thank you everyone for posting, I appreciate all the advice you have given. I take it o e day at a time. That's all I can do. Some days are good some are a struggle. It's the betrayal that is so hard to get past. It's hard to realize what someone is really capable of


You have to focus on yourself, get yourself counselling to deal with all the emotions and hurt. You have to strengthen your own inner core. You can only control you , you cannot ever control him. 
He sounds like a serial cheater, only you can make the choice whether to stay or go. However, by strengthening yourself, focusing on yourself, bettering yourself, maybe getting a job, your own money, independence, it will help you detach from him. 
You will never be able to trust him again if he is not willing to come clean and put in the work. Rug sweeping just leaves the lump under the carpet and you and he will spend the rest of your lives tripping over it until one of you decides you don't want to. I live in such a marriage. Yes we have good days and bad days. I know there is a lot of stuff I don't know and may never know due to his drinking. It bothers me but I spend more time on myself, got myself a postgrad qualification, work and enjoy other aspects of my life. We get on, but I will never see him the way I used to see him, he killed that. It suits me to stay for now but he will never have all of me like before and I will put myself first every time. 
You have to learn to do that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, the betrayal is devastating. It takes years to recover from infidelity. While you may forgive, you will never forget and you shouldn't. It's naive to again 100% trust the person who ripped your heart out so don't. 

Your life will never be the same as it once was but you can rebuild and be happy. Focus on you this time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lillotta83 said:


> It's hard to realize what someone is really capable of



Yes, it is hard to "swallow"....just how little they actually care about you. How they are in life for themselves, and themselves only. They really couldn't give a rat's a$$ less what their choices, their behavior, their words, their lies, their blame-shifting, their hoovering, their cake-eating, or your attempts to make a good marriage and keep your vows in spite of their stomp in your face and their slap in the face of God.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Cheaters lie.


 And *serial cheaters* - which is what the OP is married to - lie whenever their lips are moving.

I feel bad for you that you've chosen to settle with someone whose lied and cheated your whole marriage and who STILL can't show you enough respect to give you the honesty you deserve.

I hope one day you're strong enough to put your OWN welfare first instead of staying due to inertia or fear of the unknown.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Yes, the betrayal is devastating. It takes years to recover from infidelity. While you may forgive, you will never forget and you shouldn't. It's naive to again 100% trust the person who ripped your heart out so don't.
> 
> Your life will never be the same as it once was but you can rebuild and be happy. Focus on you this time.


How is that possible when she's married to a* serial cheater* who's lied to her and cheated on her God knows how many times during their marriage, and who CONTINUES to lie to her face about what he's done to this day? Why would _*anyone*_ invest one single second in a person who can't even show them the respect they deserve? 

I don't get it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lillotta83 said:


> Thank you everyone for posting, I appreciate all the advice you have given. I take it o e day at a time. That's all I can do. Some days are good some are a struggle. It's the betrayal that is so hard to get past. It's hard to realize what someone is really capable of


So, how's it going for you, @Lillotta83? 

Still together, in counselling?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what did you do?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How is that possible when she's married to a* serial cheater* who's lied to her and cheated on her God knows how many times during their marriage, and who CONTINUES to lie to her face about what he's done to this day? Why would _*anyone*_ invest one single second in a person who can't even show them the respect they deserve?
> 
> I don't get it.


People who are afraid to let go are the ones who do that and they generally ignore advice to get out. I was once one of them so I can somewhat relate to this situation but IMO it's not a good idea to stay with a serial cheater. However, many do. I think OP is one who will.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Cheating is a hard subject to deal with from many different angles. 
First of all you need to ask yourself why you need the details so much? 
Is it not enough that he cheated. Will the details not Just torment you a lot more? 

Then also why is he refusing to give the details? Is it that he was so casual about it he does not remember because it was so easy for him? 

Or is it that he really does not know how to confess to you? 

Counselling, in my opinion, does not help in matters of cheating. All it does is psychologically give you a facility to forgive him, knowing that he will most probably do it again. Counselling gives the idea that he is doing something about it when in fact he is not. Cheating is mostly cause by disrespect. Nobody can teach an adult how to respect others or self. 

All you can do is make a rational and emotional decision now. Do you want him as he is or not? If you do then you have to teach yourself to forgive him. That means a whole lot of things you may have never experienced before.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lillotta83 said:


> Thank you everyone for posting, I appreciate all the advice you have given. I take it o e day at a time. That's all I can do. Some days are good some are a struggle. It's the betrayal that is so hard to get past. It's hard to realize what someone is really capable of


You don't know them. Watch the whole thing.


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

Thank You for asking, I have good days and bad days. There is not a day in all these years that I have not thought about what he has done. I know it will never go away . This is the struggle 
We haven't been to counciling for awhile but are talking about returning.


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