# why do i ask, why try



## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.

even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.

i know that i shouldnt even ask, shouldnt even talk to him, but why cant he just say no?

i still feel like he has not thought this whole thing through and that is what bothers me the most. i dont feel like i can move on bc i am still holding on to that small hope of fixing things...

so why cant he just say no, there is no chance?!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.
> 
> even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.
> 
> ...


FILE yourself. 
Make the decision for yourself. My therapist helped me see after 4 months of therapy (me in IC and him doing nothing to help the marriage but run away) that my stbx is playing the victim and would never file. I did. Gave me control of my life again and I am stronger for it. Sometimes this is a last resort if you are wanting a R, but honestly it doesn't sound like he is there yet in his head. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't want you, won't even feign interest in saving the marriage? 
Put your big girl panties on and do what's best for you. If not right now, give yourself a deadline for him to either start fixing the marriage or YOU are done. You will take control away from him. He has it all right now and some men dig that!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> FILE yourself.
> Make the decision for yourself. My therapist helped me see after 4 months of therapy (me in IC and him doing nothing to help the marriage but run away) that my stbx is playing the victim and would never file. I did. Gave me control of my life again and I am stronger for it. Sometimes this is a last resort if you are wanting a R, but honestly it doesn't sound like he is there yet in his head. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't want you, won't even feign interest in saving the marriage?
> Put your big girl panties on and do what's best for you. If not right now, give yourself a deadline for him to either start fixing the marriage or YOU are done. You will take control away from him. He has it all right now and some men dig that!


i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i *wish* that* i could* *take away the control from him*, i try to not talk to him but *as soon as he contacts me im so lonely* that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.


You want to take control? Then stop answering.

I do not know your entire story, I have not read it.

But the basics usually apply.

If you feel you have no control, then you set your boundaries. Determine what you are and are not okay with and make them stick.

Do not respond to him right away, you know all that waiting around you do WAITING for HIM to call. The "I wonder if he will call, I wonder if he will text."

The same can possibly be done to HIM if you DO NOT respond right away, wait a few hours to respond (if it's required that is).

1, 2, 3 hours delay between conversations CAN give you that CONTROL.

It shows that you aren't grovelling at his feet, awaiting his kingly demands and expectations.

Stop explaining every single thing to him, give him brief, short answers.



Oh, he also says no because you are Plan B. The backup. By saying MAYBE he has you by the collar, leash and all.

It sucks to hear, but it's true.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Oh, he also says no because you are Plan B. The backup. By saying MAYBE he has you by the collar, leash and all.
> 
> It sucks to hear, but it's true.


wow, you are right that does suck to hear! i do try to not be too giving with info but at the same time he presses for it and i hate when he doesnt answer my questions so i feel i should answer...

i just need to figure out how to not be plan B, but the orginal plan


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> wow, you are right that does suck to hear! *i do try to not be too giving with info but at the same time he presses for it and i hate when he doesnt answer my questions so i feel i should answer...*
> 
> You need to learn not to care what he is doing. By not honestly caring, you will start to detach and eventually will not seek his answers or explanations. This is how you gain control of yourself. Control of yourself = control of the situation.
> 
> ...


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

May I suggest reading the article in my signature?

It's a long read, but may help you build a structure for conversation with your ex.

There is also a thread started in this forum that you can find, I have several links for videos as well is a personal thought on the article itself.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.
> 
> even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.
> 
> ...



Does your H tend to be passive in the way he makes decisions? If so, then that would explain why he won't say no definitively. He wants you to do the heavy lifting while he plays victim.

My experience with my STBXH is that he continually said (to me) that he didn't want to be with me but never made moves to divorce. Even though we have been separated going on 5 months AND he is living with POSOW, he has made up excuses as to why he won't file. He consistently plays the victim every time we have contact. So, I just tired of it and filed for D. 

At some point in time, I believe, you too will grow tired of your H's actions/words. Especially if he keeps fence-sitting indefinitely. 

From now on, look at and respond to his ACTIONS and not his words. His actions keep saying that he doesn't want to be with you. So take them for what they are and start moving on to a new you and a new life.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.


I felt the same way for months. I also gave personal time lines for my behavior and his. Those were the best things I ever did. My therapist and friends made me realize he had all the control, yet continuing to play the victim, with this type of behavior I realized he was never going to file. AND I was right. He wanted to do the diy divorce and w/ kids and a house I decided I wanted a lawyer. He tried to force me into that and threatened me w/ if he has to have a lawyer I wouldn't be happy etc. Then I got the 4k together and hired one. I felt like I was getting control of my life back and felt so empowered. 

I let him know several times this is never what I wanted but I refuse to let him stick me in limboland forever (he didn't get it).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> *Does your H tend to be passive in the way he makes decisions? If so, then that would explain why he won't say no definitively. He wants you to do the heavy lifting while he plays victim.*
> 
> My experience with my STBXH is that he continually said (to me) that he didn't want to be with me but never made moves to divorce. Even though we have been separated going on 5 months AND he is living with POSOW, he has made up excuses as to why he won't file. He consistently plays the victim every time we have contact. So, I just tired of it and filed for D.
> 
> ...


This describes much of what I lived through. We were separated for 6 months when I filed (it's when I finally got the money together after giving up all hope). 

She is giving you wise words. We have lived it... and are only trying to help you get your life back to being YOURS.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

thanks to you all for your words of support and encouragement. i truely feel like this is the place i can express all of my feelings and get feed back. while i have a very small group of family and friends that i can talk to i sometimes feel like they dont want to hear about it all the time.

i hope that the time will come that i can muster up the courage to say im done and go and file myself.

i am so lonely in that i have surrounded myself with my H and his family in the past few years, that now without them i dont really feel like i have friends of my own. i blame myself for that, but cant do much about it now...

i still wish with all of my heart that he would pull his head out of his a$$ and come home and actually work on what we had...

i just cant get away from that and am still being pulled between knowing that i deserve better, but dont want to give up without a fight


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.



Sometimes thats the way it has to happen.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Numb, take it from a former member team "back up plan". You are doing EXACTLY what he wants you to do. Once I realized what my stbxw was doing, I filed. She was given an ultimatum to give 100% to work out the marriage, or move along. That was the only point in this whole screwed up mess that I had any say or control. I now have all of the control and hold all of the cards. Yes, shes no longer here but I am better off without her. A marriage takes 2, not 1 or 3. She told me a lot of the same things you are hearing now. The sooner you pull the trigger by filing, the sooner you will get your sanity back and start to heal. You need to focus on You, not what might be. The only thing you can control right now is not allowing someone to have you serve as their back up plan. Once you file you will feel so much better.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

geez, today really sucked! i try to do the 180 and not talk to him, im affraid to say that i think i do it more for him than for me, in the hopes of he will miss me and think to himself hey she hasnt been contacting me, what has she been up to?

but i broke down today and sent him a txt, got one reply then nothing!

im ready for things to be better, still feel like i am living in a bad dream and cant wake up!


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## brokenbruised (Jul 8, 2012)

I know how you feel numb2012. I have the same issue myself. (quick background, my wife left me about 7 weeks ago for another person).

I feel like I want to have that contact with my STBXW, but really it's just acting as a blanket to briefly numb the loneliness i'm experiencing right now. Do you feel like despite all the support you have from friends and families, the only person who can make you feel like yourself again right now is your ex?

I admit I have been getting better and not texting my W, but sometimes I just want to feel like i'm still in touch. Sometimes I make the mistake of saying "I miss you" or "I feel so destroyed and I don't know what to do" and things to that effect, whilst forgetting that she's not the right person to give me answers and support in this process. Sometimes it's more than just losing your H/W. Sometimes it's about losing your best friend, who you could talk to about anything.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

brokenbruised said:


> I know how you feel numb2012. I have the same issue myself. (quick background, my wife left me about 7 weeks ago for another person).
> 
> I feel like I want to have that contact with my STBXW, but really it's just acting as a blanket to briefly numb the loneliness i'm experiencing right now. Do you feel like despite all the support you have from friends and families, the only person who can make you feel like yourself again right now is your ex?
> 
> I admit I have been getting better and not texting my W, but sometimes I just want to feel like i'm still in touch. Sometimes I make the mistake of saying "I miss you" or "I feel so destroyed and I don't know what to do" and things to that effect, whilst forgetting that she's not the right person to give me answers and support in this process. Sometimes it's more than just losing your H/W. Sometimes it's about losing your best friend, who you could talk to about anything.


BB, you hit it right on the head! i unfourtantly surrounded myself with my stbxh and his family for the past several years and what friends i do have are married so the loneliness plays a BIG factor!

so you are correct when you say you are not just losing a spouse but your best friends. i am still stuggling on how to deal with this and be me by myself and standing on my own two feet.

you are exactly right when you say your ex is the only one that can make you feel better, i feel exactly the same way, unfourtantly he isnt there


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

i wrote and email today to the H that basicly said i love you and i want to work on us, if you cant do that you need to file for D so i can move on, havent sent it, its sitting in the draft folder.

i cant decide if i should or not when he was the one that walked out and has made no attempt to try, i dont want to look weak...

what do you all think?


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## brokenbruised (Jul 8, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i wrote and email today to the H that basicly said i love you and i want to work on us, if you cant do that you need to file for D so i can move on, havent sent it, its sitting in the draft folder.
> 
> i cant decide if i should or not when he was the one that walked out and has made no attempt to try, i dont want to look weak...
> 
> what do you all think?


Hi numb, hope i'm not too late with a response here. My advice is don't send it. I know its difficult because you want that communication with him, but remember that emotions are probably running wild right now and it might not be the right way to get the attention you want. I am in the same situation, I want the attention from my ex W but i'm learning to be more calculated with the way I achieve it. I'm hoping that it will be empowering to be the one who is sought, rather than the seeker. And though right now for me it feels that's not going to happen, I feel that there is a chance some good might come of it.

But the choice is yours. Everyone's situation is so different, I think it's just our emotions & feelings that are all on similar wave length. Keep strong.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

hey numb,
Ive been trying to keep up with your posts since I was in the exact situation as you just weeks ago. I know exactly what you are going through. I can only tell you what I did, and what made me feel so much better. Like you, I wasnt given any answers whatsoever, none, nothing, other than lot of I dont know why and its not your fault. I found out it was an EA/PA. I knew exactly why but wanted her to give me answers. Ive never been given any answers and I have accepted I never will. Now? I dont want any answers anymore. Shes not worth my time to even talk to. I wrote a letter just like you, in fact, 3 of them. The first was similar to yours you have now, the second, when I started to accept she wasnt willing to give me a decision, I put the blame where it belonged (on her), the third? A goodbye letter and I filed. Numb, I didnt get the answer I would have wanted to get from day 1, I thought my life was over and didnt know how I would survive. Looking back in a short 5 weeks? I dont want her anymore. She doesnt deserve me. I thought I missed her. I realized it wasnt her I was missing, I missed what what came along with our marriage (the security, the closeness, intimacy, etc..). Shes not the only fish in the sea. Im on this planet a very short time and I refuse to waste another minute of my time, emotions and effort on her. Why do that? In my goodbye letter, I thanked her for 11 of the happiest years of my life. I told her when you really love someone, what greater act of love can you give than to let that person go, to be happy. Thats what I did. Let her go. I wasnt willing to settle on being her back up plan. I deserve better and I know there is a brighter future out there for me. TAM is loaded with people who have walked in your shoes. Everyone has a process they have to go through, we are all different in how we deal with our situations. I have the luxury 
(if you call it that), of going through a D before. It got better, I found the true love of my life (or so I thought). It will get better. As far as the 180, thats not a trick to get someone back, its to make you better, a better person, if he wants to join you, ok.. If not, you are in a better place when you learn that. Just like you I felt powerless, in limbo, it was killing me. I understand. The best thing I ever did was file. Once that happened, it felt like a huge weight lifted of my chest. I could finally breathe again. I stopped having sleepless nights, anxiety attacks (which I had never had in my life), and actually slept, and was able to eat something. I finally had some type of control back. I finally had some answers, some direction. You may not see it now, but if you cant R, you will realize your better off without them and will be a better person for going through this experience. You are not alone. It gets better, I promise. Do for you, not him.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i wrote and email today to the H that basicly said i love you and i want to work on us, if you cant do that you need to file for D so i can move on, havent sent it, its sitting in the draft folder.
> 
> i cant decide if i should or not when he was the one that walked out and has made no attempt to try, i dont want to look weak...
> 
> what do you all think?


Post your email here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

brokenbruised said:


> Hi numb, hope i'm not too late with a response here. My advice is don't send it. I know its difficult because you want that communication with him, but remember that emotions are probably running wild right now and it might not be the right way to get the attention you want. I am in the same situation, I want the attention from my ex W but i'm learning to be more calculated with the way I achieve it. I'm hoping that it will be empowering to be the one who is sought, rather than the seeker. And though right now for me it feels that's not going to happen, I feel that there is a chance some good might come of it.
> 
> But the choice is yours. Everyone's situation is so different, I think it's just our emotions & feelings that are all on similar wave length. Keep strong.


BB- not too late at all. Thanks for ur feedback, I didn't send the email its still sitting in the drafts folder. Still not sure if I'm going to send it or not.

I fell like if and or when I do I want it to be perefect, meaning I want to make sure it says ecerything that I truly feel bc in my head I feel kind of like this is my one chance.

Geez how messed up is that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> hey numb,
> Ive been trying to keep up with your posts since I was in the exact situation as you just weeks ago. I know exactly what you are going through. I can only tell you what I did, and what made me feel so much better. Like you, I wasnt given any answers whatsoever, none, nothing, other than lot of I dont know why and its not your fault. I found out it was an EA/PA. I knew exactly why but wanted her to give me answers. Ive never been given any answers and I have accepted I never will. Now? I dont want any answers anymore. Shes not worth my time to even talk to. I wrote a letter just like you, in fact, 3 of them. The first was similar to yours you have now, the second, when I started to accept she wasnt willing to give me a decision, I put the blame where it belonged (on her), the third? A goodbye letter and I filed. Numb, I didnt get the answer I would have wanted to get from day 1, I thought my life was over and didnt know how I would survive. Looking back in a short 5 weeks? I dont want her anymore. She doesnt deserve me. I thought I missed her. I realized it wasnt her I was missing, I missed what what came along with our marriage (the security, the closeness, intimacy, etc..). Shes not the only fish in the sea. Im on this planet a very short time and I refuse to waste another minute of my time, emotions and effort on her. Why do that? In my goodbye letter, I thanked her for 11 of the happiest years of my life. I told her when you really love someone, what greater act of love can you give than to let that person go, to be happy. Thats what I did. Let her go. I wasnt willing to settle on being her back up plan. I deserve better and I know there is a brighter future out there for me. TAM is loaded with people who have walked in your shoes. Everyone has a process they have to go through, we are all different in how we deal with our situations. I have the luxury
> (if you call it that), of going through a D before. It got better, I found the true love of my life (or so I thought). It will get better. As far as the 180, thats not a trick to get someone back, its to make you better, a better person, if he wants to join you, ok.. If not, you are in a better place when you learn that. Just like you I felt powerless, in limbo, it was killing me. I understand. The best thing I ever did was file. Once that happened, it felt like a huge weight lifted of my chest. I could finally breathe again. I stopped having sleepless nights, anxiety attacks (which I had never had in my life), and actually slept, and was able to eat something. I finally had some type of control back. I finally had some answers, some direction. You may not see it now, but if you cant R, you will realize your better off without them and will be a better person for going through this experience. You are not alone. It gets better, I promise. Do for you, not him.


Hunter, I need to go through and read all of ur posts and catch up. U are right when u talk about the feeling like u want the other person just to be there as just together. I know what I am mourning is our dreams and future that we had planned together. Still trying to figure out in my head if its truly him I am missing or just me being lonely and wanting that relationship. Keep the advice coming, it is greatly appriciated! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Hunter, I need to go through and read all of ur posts and catch up. U are right when u talk about the feeling like u want the other person just to be there as just together. I know what I am mourning is our dreams and future that we had planned together. Still trying to figure out in my head if its truly him I am missing or just me being lonely and wanting that relationship. Keep the advice coming, it is greatly appriciated!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


God that's sums my feelings to a tee, absolute hole n one,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> BB- not too late at all. Thanks for ur feedback, I didn't send the email its still sitting in the drafts folder. Still not sure if I'm going to send it or not.
> 
> I fell like if and or when I do I want it to be perefect, meaning I want to make sure it says ecerything that I truly feel bc in my head I feel kind of like this is my one chance.
> 
> ...


Honey, this will sting but you need to hear it:

You don't HAVE a chance.

This email will not change anything.

Every time you have reached out, he has kept you at arm's length. Why should this time be any different?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain,
i do have enough sense to know that it probably wont matter and it wont be any different, but i have never just sat down and sent an email with everthing in writing.

as foolish as it sounds i feel like i need to try everything i can before i "give up" i still dont know when that time will come and what it will take, i hope i know once i get there, but i dont feel like im there yet.

i guess i need to be....


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Ugh... I needed to vent. So I have sent a few txt messages to the stbx this weekend, just casual saying hi how are u, no response. I know I shouldn't have but been lonely and still missing him. 

So last night I ask what he wants with his mail, should I just trash it? He relpies an hour later and says no please don't maybe I can come by and get it tomorrow? Have a good day.

UGH!!! No I didn't respond, I'm thinking why do u think u can just come by when u have been ignoring me?!

SOO frustrating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Numb,
I know this is hard, and you are probably scared of getting an answer you dont want, but why drag out the inevitable. It sounds like he has moved on and detached emotionally already. You havent been important, missing him wasnt important, loving him isnt important.... The mail is? Where does that put you on his priority list? Im not saying this to be hurtful, I know you are already hurting. If you want the hurt to stop, start doing for yourself. Make you the priority. Do things that make you feel better. If it makes you feel better to send the letter, then do it. Just remember, send it for you... without any expectations. If you are expecting a certain reaction and dont get it, you will just have more pain. Let him know you wont allow him to hurt you anymore! You deserve better. Take control of this situation and start healing yourself. You can do this... Im pulling for you.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

well i will be going to bed with a headache tonight... instead of sending an email i ended up on the phone with the stbxh after he txted me and asked how my day was

basicly i wanted to know why he didnt want to be with me, why he felt that our marriage was not worth fighting for or even trying...

didnt end up with any answers except i dont want to be with you....

broke my heart all over again and i sobbed the whole time i was on the phone, i know not the attitude i should betray, but i just dont get why he wont give us a shot when he says he still cares and loves me, so why not be together

thank god the man with the 2x4 hasnt read any of my thread (lol)

but seriously i cant seem to get out of this funk, i feel like im stuck in the twighlight zone, i cant get mad, i still love him so much and want nothing more than to be with him even though he is being such an a$$ to me.

like someone said before it seems like the only person i want to talk to and make me happy is him.....

how do i get mad? i dont want to feel like this anymore, it hurts


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

I wish I could answer that, read my thread, it's heartbreaking & after 3 mos haven't figured out how to stop myself, read the advice given to me because it's the best, honestly I'm a basket case but I've met good friends on here, I'm trying but know I soooooo feel your pain, please read my thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> thank god the man with the 2x4 hasnt read any of my thread (lol)


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> i dont want to feel like this anymore, it hurts


Numb, congratulations, you have taken your first baby step. Your tired of the hurt and you want it to go away. Its a process you have to go through and everyone does it at different speeds. I happpen to be one of the fortunate ones that has recovered rather quickly. It can be done. Dont let him hurt you anymore. I know its easier said then done but its a first step. You have decided that you dont want him to hurt you anymore. Dont let him. Take control of your situation. It will be hard at first but you can do this... I have seen brief flashes of confidence in your posts. You may not believe me now but it will get better. It really will. Your probably not in the mindset to hear that yet and I understand. I was in your shoes... Exactly the same place... check your PM, I sent you a note... Hang in there, you will get through this and be an even better person when its over.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I had a really hard time getting mad. Over three months in now and just finally blew my lid due to massive financial devestation stbxh left as a goodbye gift for me. Don't worry, you will have your angry days too, in time. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnDown said:


>


UP
oh dear! lol thanks for making me laugh!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I had a really hard time getting mad. Over three months in now and just finally blew my lid due to massive financial devestation stbxh left as a goodbye gift for me. Don't worry, you will have your angry days too, in time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MyselfAgain,
i am trying and by now i feel like i should be, the stbx has clearly said he does not want to be with me, now if i can just convience my heart of that...


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> I wish I could answer that, read my thread, it's heartbreaking & after 3 mos haven't figured out how to stop myself, read the advice given to me because it's the best, honestly I'm a basket case but I've met good friends on here, I'm trying but know I soooooo feel your pain, please read my thread
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OVS,
i will read your thread for sure, starting tonight and will continue tomorrow! know that you are not alone and in the same boat as me, i know that it doesnt make it better but at least youre not crazy and if you are, i am too! lol


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi Numb;

File for divorce. Go completely dark. Move on. That is what I am doing. 

I am a little more than a month into separation. I filed for divorce and have gone completely dark. The first month was absolute hell. After filing divorce, and ditching my cell phone/e-mail, I feel alot better. I don't think I am out of the woods yet, but I feel better by doing these two things.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

so in thinking today and trying to proccess my break down and the conversation i had with the stbx i realized how messed up it is that people here on this site care more and give more support that he does about our marraige! 

ugh!


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> so in thinking today and trying to proccess my break down and the conversation i had with the stbx i realized how messed up it is that people here on this site care more and give more support that he does about our marraige!
> 
> ugh!


Well Numb, you have the self centered, narcissistic, self absorbed, cheating, lying, irresponsible, worthless people, and then those of us on TAM!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ugh! had a good day yesterday, was ok with everything (looking back i think im still in denial) now today i wake up with the pending doom feeling. ugh!! so frustrating!

must continue to remind myself the stbx doesnt care anymore so why should i about him?


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

well i now know why i woke up with a feeling of doom this morning just went online to twitter to see my stbx with a picture of him and the OW she put up saying how cute are we?


i want to vomit and scream and cry and not do nice things to either one of them!!

when does it stop bothering you?

advice needed!


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

YOU NEED TO DETACH!!!

Block him, her and any mutual friends/family from your facebook and twitter accounts so that you won't be tempted to check up on him. Even better, delete the apps on your phone so that you won't have an excuse to check them.

Don't contact him anymore. If he contacts you, don't answer...UNLESS it's about finances or something else important. 

Start doing for YOURSELF. Get some hobbies, go out with friends, exercise, do the 180. If you find yourself thinking about him, think about something else. Make yourself do this. 

We all go through these same emotions. Those of us on TAM who continually make these same recommendations to recent BS's are coming from experience. It does get easier with time. But you have to give it TIME. 

The pain and hurt doesn't go away when you want it to. It will go away when you are over him completely. The first step to letting go is detaching emotionally, psychologically, and physically. You already have the physical part down. Now work on the other two.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hey ISH;

When you mean phsyical, you mean separation, right?

How to detach emotionally and psychologically? What's the difference between emotion and psychological?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Yes, physical separation...whether in-house or not. However, if R is the ultimate goal, I think the general consensus here would be that it's best to remain under the same roof. Or, at least live in separate households _temporarily_ with some agreed-upon end date.

Here are definitions I found online for the other two as I don't want to appear the expert (because I'm not...just speaking from personal experience).


psychology /psy·chol·o·gy/ (si-kol´ah-je) 
the science dealing with the mind and mental processes, especially in relation to human and animal behavior.

emo·tion \i-ˈmō-shən\
1: the affective aspect of consciousness
2: a state of feeling
3: a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Detaching emotionally and psychologically is the tough part. 

But I do believe that what we _do_ and how we _react_--the psychology--to our current situation drives our emotions. (Based on many of the posts here, it's often the emotions driving the psychology.) 

I believe the "psychology driving emotion" is what the 180 is all about. And why it's such an effective coping mechanism in the face of the breakdown of our relationships. 

Just my non-expert opinion.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Detaching emotionally and psychologically is the tough part.
> 
> But I do believe that what we _do_ and how we _react_--the psychology--to our current situation drives our emotions. (Based on many of the posts here, it's often the emotions driving the psychology.)
> 
> ...


We have already detached physicaly. Just trying to do the hard part- the emotions. I can't stop thinking about that stupid picture, feels like I've been punched in the stomach and had all the wind knocked out of me.

While I know R was a long shot and not what I should be thinking about this just makes it feel so final, 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

having a rough night, cant stop thinking about does he miss me? does he still think about me?

i know not the thoughts i need to be thinking, just cant seem to get past them tonight....

just needed to vent


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> having a rough night, cant stop thinking about does he miss me? does he still think about me?
> 
> i know not the thoughts i need to be thinking, just cant seem to get past them tonight....
> 
> just needed to vent


I hear ya numb. I've been right there with you.

It can drive you insane.

What I'm trying to do, is when I think 'does she miss me' or 'oh hey, today would have been our wedding anniversary, I wonder if she's having a hard time with it too' I quickly answer 'no'.

No, she doesn't miss me.

No, she doesn't care about me.

All she wants is what's best for her.

By far one of the hardest things I've been trying to do .. because while I'm at work it's all I think about .. but slowly I think it's starting to work on me.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Hi TAM friends I am posting on here to resist the urge to message the stbx. Feel like I am doing better overall today. Can't get the thought of 'hope' out of my head though.

Talked briefly with the stbx yesterday and he made the comment "maybe we can get together and do dinner sometime this week" to which I replied maybe. (If only I would have left it at that but instead I added "are u sure ur new gf won't mind?"

I know I know, after sending that it finally hit me, that's part of the reason why he doesn't want to be with me, bc I can't just leave it alone. I'm sure when he first started talking to the OW. She wasn't worried about me, b!tch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Talked briefly with the stbx yesterday and he made the comment "maybe we can get together and do dinner sometime this week" to which I replied maybe. (If only I would have left it at that but instead I added "are u sure ur new gf won't mind?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so close.


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb - I know what it feels like. Two months in and there are times I feel like I am back to square one emotion wise. He doesn't even initiate contact with me. The funny part is I am not even sure he is with someone. He didn't admit to it but everyone else thinks he is.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

muriel12 said:


> Numb - I know what it feels like. Two months in and there are times I feel like I am back to square one emotion wise. He doesn't even initiate contact with me. The funny part is I am not even sure he is with someone. He didn't admit to it but everyone else thinks he is.


Muriel, i have had more better days lately, but i know what you mean, i was there last week... like it was day one all over again. im finaly starting to realize maybe its the relationship itself that i miss and not him, bc my stbx is no longer the man i used to know....

although i wish he would come back


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Muriel, i have had more better days lately, but i know what you mean, i was there last week... like it was day one all over again. im finaly starting to realize maybe its the relationship itself that i miss and not him, bc my stbx is no longer the man i used to know....
> 
> although i wish he would come back


I have to admit, I sometimes wish he would come back too. But I also know that either way, there are a lot of challenges ahead. On good days, I feel hopeful for my own future and moderately happy. On normal days, I just feel too numb to feel much. On bad days, like today, I just feel like crying.  Yeah, one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Muriel, i have had more better days lately, but i know what you mean, i was there last week... like it was day one all over again. im finaly starting to realize maybe its the relationship itself that i miss and not him, bc my stbx is no longer the man i used to know....
> 
> although i wish he would come back


You sound like you are getting better numb. You may not notice it but I have. Hang in there, better days are ahead!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

well no more wondering if i should file or not the stbx txt me today and asked for my social, can only assume its for the divorce paperwork, tried to call him back, no response, no suprise there.

i hate this, it makes it seem that much more final. i knew it was coming and if he didnt do it i needed to, but dont know if i was there yet.

i have always told him if this is what he wants he needs to do it, just shocking that he did. 

i have been trying to pay attention to actions and not words and boy is this a BIG action on his part. the hope that i have of R is becoming more and more faint based on these actions from him, it hurts so badly....


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ugh! as soon as i post this the stbx sends me a txt and says im going to call you later to get info so i can file.

to me that reads im busy right now, but wait for me and later when its more convient for me i will contact you to divorce you!

geez when does it end?

i dont want to be rude and say no i dont want to talk to you, but come on why is it always on his terms?!!!


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb - I am sorry to hear you are going through a tough day. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Just try to let it go, let it totally go. I mean if we really think about it, unless he is coming back 100%, there is not much chance that you will be happy anyway. And what are the chances on a person who doesn't even want to work on it? You deserve better. You work harder on a relationship. I may be going through the same thing you are going through now. In a way, consider this as a true closure so that you can move forward with life and not hold onto glimpse of hope.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

needing to vent...

so i guess when the stbx says ill call you in a little while that means after he has done what he wants for the night and will just call at 1am or something, just when he gets around to it i guess! 

so i txt him and said hey im going to bed ill call you tomorrow when i get off work, he replies and says ok, i ask if tomorrow is good or if there is another day that would work better for him to which he replies i dont know what im doing, txt me 30 mins before you call.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i dont think this convo will need to take more than a whole 10 mins, i want to txt him and tell him make this a priority if this is what YOU want so badly!!!! trying to be nice so i said nothing...

i dont get it, he really cant take 30 mins out of his sooo busy day to get my info to file, he is not even working, so leave your "friend" alone for 30 mins and handle your business!!!!

so rude of him!

need opinions why is he acting like this? if he wants to not be with me why is he dragging his feet so to get it done with??


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Next time don't ask him if this or that is okay.

Tell him what time you will call. Don't give him options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Next time don't ask him if this or that is okay.
> 
> Tell him what time you will call. Don't give him options.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


UP- you are right, thanks for the good advice, it has been noted!


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> if he wants to not be with me why is he dragging his feet so to get it done with??


My STBXH is doing the same thing. In our 3 short talks over the last 4 months, he has constantly said that he wants a D and wants to finish the process quickly, but never made a move to do so. 

I finally filed 3 weeks ago. He was served 4 days later, but still has yet to file a response in court. Why? Because he says that "this isn't the only issue going on in my life right now." REALLY?!?! Apparently he's the only one in the world that has multiple issues that he has to deal with. 

It's amazing to me how they say that they want something sooooo badly, but when the time comes to actually _do something_, it's "I'll take my time and get back to you". 

I honestly don't know why he or your husband is acting this way. I've found that no logic or reasoning really makes sense.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

had a not so great day, talked with the stbx last night so he could finish the paper work to file, so blah about that. driving to work this morning looking at where my wedding ring used to be (finally took it off a little over a week ago)

missing what it meant to me but also sad that it didnt mean enough to the stbx to try to work on our marriage. to make things worse someone at work noticed i wasnt wearing my wedding ring asks about it and i just look at him, he nods and says he didnt know.

i havent told anyone i work with what is going on with us bc part of me feels ashamed that our marriage didnt work and also bc i just dont think its everyones business. 

just missing what i used to have


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

This night isn't getting any better. Can't stop thinking about how badly I still want the stbx to work on us, wishing he would figure out that this OW might be "shiney and new" now but it won't last forever, sucks that he has given up so easily without looking back.

Can't stop thinking about the ifs I would have done this or that. Can't seem to do the 180 with him, my messages just get ignored until its convient for him to reply or talk to me.

I can't seem to get over the fact that he hasn't truly thought this through and just walked out to someone else instead of figuring out what is truly bothering him.

Sigh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Your focus is all in him and you will keep feeling bad until you stop thinking about things that aren't in your control 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

What Up said, Numb. You've got to start creating a dialogue that is about you. Champion yourself!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i also had a very rough day, slow at the shop=lots of thinking time, i know my marriage is over & i just have to come to grips with it, lately have had pretty good days, but BAD today, i closed early,dropped my daughter off at work, came home & laid on the couch drowning in my pity party, felt like crying, i was going to blow off the gym but instead i said i'm going, i went, had a great work out & feel so much better now


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Can't stop thinking about the ifs I would have done this or that.


There is no sense in thinking about "what ifs". Your H was going to do whatever he was going to do. 

He has shown that he has no moral boundaries and had no intentions on working through whatever low period you two had in your marriage. 

So, if the separation/divorce hadn't occurred now, it would have later on...after the kids were born and you were even more deeply entangled financially and emotionally. I think the posters on TAM who have kids and have been through divorce would tell you that you're dodging a HUGE bullet now.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> i also had a very rough day, slow at the shop=lots of thinking time, i know my marriage is over & i just have to come to grips with it, lately have had pretty good days, but BAD today, i closed early,dropped my daughter off at work, came home & laid on the couch drowning in my pity party, felt like crying, i was going to blow off the gym but instead i said i'm going, i went, had a great work out & feel so much better now


glad to hear your feeling better, sorry it was a bad day for you also... i need to get back on my work out game, just have been stuck in my pity party for too long, maybe tomorrow?


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> So, if the separation/divorce hadn't occurred now, it would have later on...after the kids were born and you were even more deeply entangled financially and emotionally. I think the posters on TAM who have kids and have been through divorce would tell you that you're dodging a HUGE bullet now.


part of me knows that, the brain part that is, but the heart part just isnt letting go so easily. i am thankful though that we dont have children to wittness this mess, guess there is an upside


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Your heart part wants to be filled with love, sadly that love no longer comes from him.

You need to start loving yourself.

Once you do, it will catch up with your brain and it will all start to make sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Your heart part wants to be filled with love, sadly that love no longer comes from him.
> 
> You need to start loving yourself.
> 
> ...


UP I agree with u, but that's the thing, I do love myself. Just ahving a hard time not thinking about him and what we had. I guess its the loneliness and wondering how he appears so happy and not to even be affected by any of this. Just a tough pill to swallow...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> UP I agree with u, but that's the thing, I do love myself. Just ahving a hard time not thinking about him and what we had. I guess its the loneliness and wondering how he appears so happy and not to even be affected by any of this. Just a tough pill to swallow...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had the same thoughts as you only yesterday, I got some good advice and responses in my thread about it.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> UP I agree with u, but that's the thing, I do love myself. Just ahving a hard time not thinking about him and what we had. I guess its the loneliness and wondering how he appears so happy and not to even be affected by any of this. Just a tough pill to swallow...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i know how you are feeling. just keep telling yourself it's not him you're missing. it's the being in a relationship, having somebody there, ect. he is not the person you thought he was. the person you thought he was would never have done this. you miss the marriage you thought you had. it sucks when person you thought you were married to becomes a stranger, a lie.
look at the filling as a positive. it could have been dragged out for months more. now is the time for healing for you and moving forward with your new better life. this is his loss. like you said, the ow will eventually become not so shiney and new and awesome. someday he will realize he ruined his life and by then you will have moved on and will be living a better life, maybe even with somebody who loves and respects you. karma will come around and bite him in the a$$.
i've learned that there is no point trying to understand how he could do this, because honestly mature, loving, respectful human beings do not act the way he is acting. he is no longer your mess to clean up or fix. try to see this as a step in your journey to find real fullfilling love.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

having a blah day today. talked for about 3 hours yesterday night with the stbx over txt, nothing serious just casual friendly stuff, nothing about us. it was nice to be able to see him finnaly starting to "warm up" to me, in the past his messages have been cold and distance and last night i saw a side of him i have not in a while.

by no means do i think that anything like R will come of this, it was just nice to talk with my husband again, i miss that.

now im battling with my inner emotions, part of me dislikes that i spoke with him yesterday because he is not worth my time, if he wants to be in my life he has big changes to make which he has made clear he doesnt want to do. i dont want to be plan B.

but the other part of me misses what we used to have. i know i should be doing the 180, focusing on me and all that. and i think i am, to the best of my ability at the moment. but i cant help but think how would him being reminded of what we used to be (by having friendly chat) hurt his want to work on us?

i just cant help but think surely that maybe just maybe it will trigger some emotions for him? where as if im not talking to him, maybe he just wont think of me?

sounds pathetic when i put it like that, but cant come up with any other words to explain it.... i just want this to work out...

please help, thoughts? have i gone nuts?:scratchhead:


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Oh no, you're not nuts. We are both doing the same damn thing and it has to stop.

I was texting her Friday, some on Sunday and a little yesterday.

She was nice, smiley faces here, lols there.

Gets your hopes up and its all for nothing.

I've easily set myself back a month or so mentality wise, for what? A little politeness from her?

We are putting ourselves in a horrible head space that we can't get out of so easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Oh no, you're not nuts. We are both doing the same damn thing and it has to stop.
> 
> I was texting her Friday, some on Sunday and a little yesterday.
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear u are in the same place. Its so frustrating because I feel like I have gotten better overall and getting more uesed to the fact of being ok without him, just can't get rid of that small shimmer of hope in my mind that maybe he will see what he is missing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

You took the words right out of my mouth.

That shimmer of hope, they are able to see it.

Its in our every response and reaction. Whether we know we are doing it or not.

Not only do they see it, but it also holds us back for when they still don't care...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> You took the words right out of my mouth.
> 
> That shimmer of hope, they are able to see it.
> 
> ...



:iagree: So true.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Another blah day today, I want to reach out to the stbx so badly and just shake him. Make him really think about what he is walking out on...

I wish I could make him see that, although I know I can't 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

still feel like i am living in a bad dream and just wont wake up, although it has gotten better, it still just hurts like hell.

its so frustrating to see (or assume) how easily the stbx has gotten over all of this. just doesnt seem to faze him at all...

hoping i wake up soon...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Numb, go read my blog part 2.

It may help you a bit, you aren't alone in how you feel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Numb, go read my blog part 2.
> 
> It may help you a bit, you aren't alone in how you feel
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


UP, I have been reading ur thread bc it seems we are in exactly the same head space right now.

And while all the advice is good, I just don't think I'm strong enough or can do it, this whole detaching thing is hard.

When I feel like I'm doing ok the sbtx reaches out to me and I give in and am left feeling empty inside all over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You need to hold your boundaries a few times before you can get the feelings from it.

Without doing it at least once, you have nothing to go on, no foundation.

The first step is a very important one.

Even if a week after you slip up, you have that "checkpoint" of sorts you can go back to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

So the stbx txted and said hey I'm coming over and want to see u. I said no, but he was persistant and I gave in. We chated for a bit and then he made his move, I told him no, I am not his botty call. He made a choice to not be with me, so he doesn't get to come over and have sex with me when he pleases. He continued on and said how one more time won't hurt. Stuck to my guns and he left mad.

The only good thing to come out of this is I kept it inside and didn't break down till he left.

God this hurts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

You really need to go completely dark on him. It's best at this point. He's tossing you breadcrumbs. Don't fall for them.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

NC/going dark would have prevented what just happened: You let him come over and he left you feeling sh!tty. Not good...not good at all.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

I know its breadcrumbs, but gosh they are so easy to fall for...

Wish he would realize what he's missing, bc I would give him everything if he was willing to work on us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

He knows what he's missing BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER to him at this point. Let him go.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i feel for you numb, do the nc it really changes the playing field. praying for you to gain the strength you need to do this, hugs (((()))


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> He knows what he's missing BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER to him at this point. Let him go.


I know, and that's the hard part. He left but still sending me messages "if not tonight then never again" 

Ok I thought he had already made that decision?

I do still want him terribly and it kills me to have to say no, so hard to be strong, bc I do want him, but more than just the physical part 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Have you read this? Just Let Them Go

Print it out and post it around your apartment. Read it everyday. Whatever it takes. Internalize this.

EDIT: I know you haven't been hit with the infidelity angle (at least not yet), but the message is still the same.

EDIT #2: Clearly I'm sleepy...  I forgot that there is a posOW in your case. Sorry. STILL, the point is to read the "Just Let Them Go" essay and believe it. Breathe it.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Have you read this? Just Let Them Go
> 
> Print it out and post it around your apartment. Read it everyday. Whatever it takes. Internalize this.
> 
> EDIT: I know you haven't been hit with the infidelity angle (at least not yet), but the message is still the same.


It is all very true, just wish it was as easy as reading it and being done, not so though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> It is all very true, just wish it was as easy as reading it and being done, not so though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why I said internalize it by reading it daily. It takes 21 days for something to become habit, right?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Numb, you may have caved in on letting him come over, but you held your ground and your boundary in the end.

Do yourself a favor.

Forget everything else just for tonight and feel proud about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> That's why I said internalize it by reading it daily. It takes 21 days for something to become habit, right?


Yes, thank u truely for being there for me tonight. I really think if it wasn't for this site and all the good advice I would have broken down and gave in to him tonight, only to be more upsert in a few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Yes, thank u truely for being there for me tonight. I really think if it wasn't for this site and all the good advice I would have broken down and gave in to him tonight, only to be more upsert in a few days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what we're here for. To give tough love. 

And Up is right...you did hold your ground in the end. It is one step forward. :smthumbup:


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Numb, you may have caved in on letting him come over, but you held your ground and your boundary in the end.
> 
> Do yourself a favor.
> 
> ...


Thanks UP, it feels good that I stood my ground, but hurts that I even have to do it in the first place. Baby steps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Thanks UP, it feels good that I stood my ground, but hurts that I even have to do it in the first place. Baby steps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was a very good boundary to keep strong on, if only because it's a very personal boundary.

You did not want to feel used, and that feeling alone, was strong enough to make what he 'wanted' obsolete.

I didn't want to say this before, because I wanted you to able to enjoy yourself with your accomplishment.

But, please be prepared for him to come at you again ..

Be it, by begging, by blame shifting you until you give in, accusing you of outlandish things ... or just trying to hurt you.

He is not used to you standing your ground and he will most likely try to make you feel so sh!tty about it.

Do not fall for it.

From what I've learned (and hopefully others will step in on this part, because I have personally not experienced it) .. TRUE remorse doesn't come so readily and easily after being rejected for the first time.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

:iagree:


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> It was a very good boundary to keep strong on, if only because it's a very personal boundary.
> 
> You did not want to feel used, and that feeling alone, was strong enough to make what he 'wanted' obsolete.
> 
> ...


UP, I know that's what everyone says that he will try again, but I just don't see that happening. I got messages all night saying now or never. I thought he had already made up his mind, where is this coming from?

I have to admit at the begining I hoped that he would come back to want to work on us, but now that he is wanting to see me it is for ALL the wrong reasons!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> UP, I know that's what everyone says that he will try again, but I just don't see that happening. I got messages all night saying now or never. I thought he had already made up his mind, where is this coming from?
> 
> I have to admit at the begining I hoped that he would come back to want to work on us, but now that he is wanting to see me it is for ALL the wrong reasons!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Numb, I thought the exact same thing. Stbxw was adamant about the D. Its a result of you moving on with your life without them. Its desperation. The grass isnt so green over there is it? Im getting the same thing now to the point I had to cut her off of all contact through the attorney. It will probably get worse before it gets better. It just amazes me how its always about them and their needs. Its just a threat hes throwing out at you, trying to manipulate you to get his way. Stick to your guns Numb. Do you really want HIM back? Is it HIM you miss or the positives of a relationship/marriage you miss?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> UP, I know that's what everyone says that he will try again, but I just don't see that happening. I got messages all night saying now or never. I thought he had already made up his mind, where is this coming from?
> 
> I have to admit at the begining I hoped that he would come back to want to work on us, but now that he is wanting to see me it is for ALL the wrong reasons!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My STBXH hasn't come back...yet. It's been 5 months. Right now, his immediate desires (money, sex, ego-boosting) are being met by his posOW--she's literally paying him to live with her. But those things do not a healthy relationship make. Note: I said _desires_ not _needs_. 

He's tried to act like life is just so great. But the ONLY person he's fooling is himself. Everyone knows he's miserable as I've talked with all of his family and his best friend. But his pride and stubbornness won't allow him to "see" a better path. 

That's why I said earlier that even though your H knows what he's missing, it still doesn't matter. Your H and mine will only _truly_ come back when they are fully remorseful and are ready to make changes within themselves. 

The problem with that, though, is oftentimes the true remorse comes once the BS/LS has moved on and no longer wants a relationship with WS/DS.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> The problem with that, though, is oftentimes the true remorse comes once the BS/LS has moved on and no longer wants a relationship with WS/DS.


 :iagree:


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Numb, I thought the exact same thing. Stbxw was adamant about the D. Its a result of you moving on with your life without them. Its desperation. The grass isnt so green over there is it? Im getting the same thing now to the point I had to cut her off of all contact through the attorney. It will probably get worse before it gets better. It just amazes me how its always about them and their needs. Its just a threat hes throwing out at you, trying to manipulate you to get his way. Stick to your guns Numb. Do you really want HIM back? Is it HIM you miss or the positives of a relationship/marriage you miss?


Hunter, sorry things have gotten to that point for u also. I have really been trying to figure out in my head lately if its really him that I want or just the being in a relationship and the onlt thing that I have came up with is I want the OLD him back.

The H that I feel in love with that truly cared for me and love me. I think that part of him is still there somwhere inside but that obviously is not what he is focusing on. So I mush on, but still no real answer to the question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How have things been Numb?


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> How have things been Numb?


Things have been ok, haven't heard from the stbx since thuursday night. Trying to keep busy with friends and family.

Weekends always seem to be worse for me than when I'm working. Keeping my mind busy. It has gotten better though, doing ok with being alone.

I would love to call the sbtx and say hey let's get together and hang out, but I haven't partly bc I know he would say no and the other half of me know that just won't help me.

Trying to get rid of the thoughts of maybe he will see what he is doing since I stood up to him and told him I will not be his plan B. Not holding my breath on that one though, which I'm getting better at being ok with. Don't get me wrong it is not something I'm obsessing over but just a thought in the back of my head.

How are u doing? Thanks for checking in on me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> Things have been ok, haven't heard from the stbx since thuursday night. Trying to keep busy with friends and family.
> 
> Weekends always seem to be worse for me than when I'm working. Keeping my mind busy. It has gotten better though, doing ok with being alone.
> 
> ...


It is best that you do not hold your ground to try and 'prove' something to him.

That will only lead to hallow feelings later on when it doesn't get the reaction you were hoping.

Setting the boundaries are what is best for you. To help set a foundation you can fall back on in times of need.

Which you did very well by not giving in to him. Still proud of you for that.

I am doing okay, thanks for asking. Counting down until tomorrow, once I get the kiddos back.

Cleaning there sheets .. doing the pile of laundry I've neglected for the past couple days, lol.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> It is best that you do not hold your ground to try and 'prove' something to him.
> 
> That will only lead to hallow feelings later on when it doesn't get the reaction you were hoping.
> 
> ...


dont get me wrong i didnt try to set my boundries for him to "change", but for me. it was just something i was thinking about in the back of my mind.

still trying to get rid of the glimmer of hope...


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

needing to vent...

trying to better at "observing" get a message from the stbx this afternoon out of the blue that says "are you ok?"

i replied with "yes why?"

to which he replies and says "just felt like something might be wrong"

i didnt reply but thought to myself yes, something is wrong! we are getting a divorce number 1 . number 2 the reason you feel that way is because my desire to be with you is slipping away because you are acting like such a jerk!

figured it would be better to post my reply here than to him


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> needing to vent...
> 
> trying to better at "observing" get a message from the stbx this afternoon out of the blue that says "are you ok?"
> 
> ...


thoghts on why he would even bother to txt me?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

numb2012 said:


> thoghts on why he would even bother to txt me?


Plan B - sorry


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Plan B - sorry


ugh! i hate that. not that it matters, but obivously im still thinking about it, so dont know where that puts me...

was hoping i guess that it means he is seeing what he is missing...

he has been reaching out to me more and i just dont know what to make of it

trying not to read too much into and play it cool to see what he does/says next


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

numb2012 said:


> ugh! i hate that. not that it matters, but obivously im still thinking about it, so dont know where that puts me...
> 
> was hoping i guess that it means he is seeing what he is missing...
> 
> ...


That's the best you can do.

Live your life.

Don't take the bait.

If he wants something, you'll know.

It won't be subtle.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Its funny how ur emotions can change from on minutue to the nxt. The stbx proposed the idea of us being friends on friday.

I told him I wasn't sure if I could hang out with him and just be friends with him as I have already said before that I want to work on us and he does not.

I was feeling ok with it thinking I can just see how things go and see how I feel, but the more I think about it as much as I do miss him as a friend, I don't know if I can view him as just a friend.

I have told him I don't want to be his plan B.

Just trying to figure it out in my own head so I'm not flip flopping around on what I want, but at the same time what is realistic.

Need advice on what to do? Insight into what he is thinking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Insight?

He wants you as Plan B.

How do you feel about that?


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Insight?
> 
> He wants you as Plan B.
> 
> How do you feel about that?


I don't want to be plan b for sure, but can't stop myself from feeling as if I'm giving up on us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> I don't want to be plan b for sure, but can't stop myself from feeling as if I'm giving up on us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You didn't give up on anything. So stop owning it.

You can't control the other person. So what can you control?

You.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> You didn't give up on anything. So stop owning it.
> 
> You can't control the other person. So what can you control?
> 
> You.


You are exactly right and I'm trying to own what I do. The stbx mentioned earlier in the week that he would like to see me and go for drinks this weekend.

Not sure what to do, go or not? I'm trying not to put too much thought into it because I don't know if he really meant it or just seeing if I will take the bait.

Told him when he asked I didn't know what I was doing yet, kind of leaving it alone to see if he even brings it up again.

No need to stress over something that might not even happen right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ask him what it's regarding.

If you aren't okay with what he says. Then don't go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Ask him what it's regarding.
> 
> If you aren't okay with what he says. Then don't go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He says he wants to be friends with me, I have made it clear based on his coming by last week that I will not be his plan b or his booty call.

Like I said before trying to not read too much into it because I don't even know if it will happen, just trying to prepare myself for the possibilities
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> He says he wants to be friends with me, I have made it clear based on his coming by last week that I will not be his plan b or his booty call.
> 
> Like I said before trying to not read too much into it because I don't even know if it will happen, just trying to prepare myself for the possibilities
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:
Numb, I know this is hard and confusing but look at the facts of what HE has done. You didnt do this, you didnt cause this, HE did. As far as being friends? I was asked to do the exact same thing. This is how I responded.

Definition of a friend:
"A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts." True they can also be an acquaintance but that is not the type of friendship they are wanting. I told stbxw I will be "friendly", but "friends"? Absolutely not.

Refuse to be anyones booty call, convenience meat, second choice, backup plan, or Plan B. Do you want to catch something he might pick up from someone else (and everyone else they have slept with?) Take more pride in yourself and know you deserve better. You really do. One day soon you will meet someone who will treat you with love, care and respect. It gets better, I promise. Just hang in there, you are having normal feelings. When you start to doubt yourself, jump on here, we will support you. Just keep an eye out for the 2x4's from some!! 

Look at the Facts and Actions, words are just hot air passing over his vocal cords.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Damn hollywood and their romantic comedies. I have always liked my "chick flick" movies and before I met the stbx always thought to myself, I want to fall in love and have everything work out like it always does in the movies.

When I was with the stbx I thought I had my happy ending, as silly and sappy as that sounds.

Whatched a movie tonight and of course two people fall in love, have a rough time, but then live happily ever after together

Just sad missing my husband, where's my happy ending? Too bad real life is not like the movies.

I should sue hollywood for there unrealistic bs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Numb, your Hollywood movie plot is out there waiting for you. It just doesnt include the stbxh!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Numb, your Hollywood movie plot is out there waiting for you. It just doesnt include the stbxh!


I hope so, I just thought I already had it, apparently not though.  it hurts still
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

So I was supposed to meet up with the stbx tonight after him asking me to go out last week. We talked yesterday and made plans for tonight.

I tried really hard not to get my hopes up of seeing him or reading into things bc he has made plans like this with me before and always comes up with some reason to cancel.

So of course today was no different. I really thoght he might follow through today, but instead I get a txt an hour before and he says sorry can't meet u tonight I have a really bad stomach ache think I ate something bad. I'm really sorry I was looking forward to seeing u.

I am pissed and hurt all over again.

I really don't know how to feel or what to do, bc as much as I don't see things working out, how could that even happen if he can't even keep plans with me.

Feeling down...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

What a jerk.

I mean, I can't really say anything...because I would love if my stbxh would try to initiate contact and make plans to talk to me(he doesnt)...but I would try not to beat yourself up...and I would try to quit setting myself up for disappointment. 

Next time he tries to make plans, tell him no.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> What a jerk.
> 
> I mean, I can't really say anything...because I would love if my stbxh would try to initiate contact and make plans to talk to me(he doesnt)...but I would try not to beat yourself up...and I would try to quit setting myself up for disappointment.
> 
> Next time he tries to make plans, tell him no.


That's the thing I would like to see him, but don't want to deal with all this again...

Not sure how that is supposed to happen though, sigh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Not easily, haha.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Well instead of going out with the stbx last night, we ended up chatting via txt all night.

I finally asked him why he wants to be friends with me and he replied I thought that's what u wanted.

I know that I shouldn't have gone this far, but asked if he ever saw us being together again to which he replied no.

I knew as soon as I asked I shouldn't have. I asked him why he wanted to just continue to use me, he said he didn't feel like he was.

I knew based on what he has said and done previously that he didn't want to try to fix us, but I just had to know what he was thinking since he was being so friendly lately.

So now I just hurt, missing my husband that doesn't care 2 sh!ts about me.

Not sure what to do now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I'm sorry and I am in the same boat.

I also made the same mistake of asking my stbxh if we were really over.

He said "pretty sure" or he doesn't see us being together like we used to again "not for a long time". In the same breath, says he doesn't know what he wants.


Stupid


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

He will never miss you if you keep communicating with him. 

And, the longer *you continue to allow* your husband to dictate your feelings via breadcrumbs, the longer you will deal with the pain. 

Let him go.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I asked mine yesterday if she thought about us ever being together and she said no also.. I just had to know though.. But.. and asked her if we should date each other and she said no because it would just make her confused.

I'm with Imstillhere.. I have been grabbing at the crumbs..and so are you..


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Numb, it's been over a month since your first post in this thread and *you're still asking the same questions*. Look at the TITLE of this thread. 

I know what you're going through. I do. But WHY do you continue to TRY when he is not giving you what you want? 

You are not doing yourself any favors by continuing this dance with your husband. All you are doing is prolonging the pain and delaying the healing. 

Think on this before you communicate with him again.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Numb, it's been over a month since your first post in this thread and *you're still asking the same questions*. Look at the TITLE of this thread.
> 
> I know what you're going through. I do. But WHY do you continue to TRY when he is not giving you what you want?
> 
> ...


You're right, I'm still trying. I just feel like he is giving up and that's what kills me.

Thank u for ur words of advice, it really helps to have a place like this,it just hurts that he doesn't want what I do.

Still trying to figure out how to move on. I need to stop communicating with him, but he is all I think about.

Please don't give up on me, I will get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

So I am trying to take everyones advise here and not speak to the stbx and focus on me.

Haven't talked with him in a few days and I'm starting to feel lonely.

I know I should be past the point, but I still miss him terribly.

So posting her for some positive thoughts and advise instead of contacting him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

well I finally got the divorce papers in the mail today, not really expecting that. I knew it would happen eventually, but didnt at the same time if that makes any sense?

I have cried all night everytime I look at them, dont even know what to do.

Just a big shock (although I dont know why) like another stab at my heart.

I feel like I have been getting better lately and having better days, even mentioned to a friend yesterday, i dont know why i still have the thought of hope in the back of my mind, because really why would i want to be with someone who has put me through all of this pain for the last 3-4 months.

just hate when i have my down moments...

still feel like im dreaming and waiting to wake up

i think what hurts the most is this is not what i had planned for my life, meaning yes i miss the stbx but i miss our dreams more, of how it was supposed to be and isnt...


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

He's doing you a favor, numb. He has set you free so that you can be with the one who truly loves you.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> He's doing you a favor, numb. He has set you free so that you can be with the one who truly loves you.


I like to think that you are right and I'm slowly getting there. Just trying to get out of this fog
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Feeling down today, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

It us tough.. I'm great today but Thursday night I cried for two hours. Don't fight the crying.. let it out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Numb, it WILL get better. Day by day, though. There's no magic pill. That's all you can do. But HOW you do it is important. Stay busy. Find new hobbies. Surround yourself with people who are positive and can make you laugh. You get the idea.

Just please, please, please do not fall for any more of his manipulation. You KNEW he was going to set up a "date," then cancel. You've got to cut ties completely. You can't be friends with him b/c YOU will always harbor hope of reconciliation. If that happens, your healing process will be delayed indefinitely.

The thing that you have to realize is that while you are working to improve yourself as a person, he is taking his same faults with him to the next relationship. The work that you do on yourself will benefit you individually as a person and your next relationship. Stay strong.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I haven't got papers yet, but am expecting them. I went through everything you are and it does suck, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've set date for this and if nothing is happening by then, I will file for divorce.

I've got a walk away wife who lost her mind I think. But I've gone through the same feelings. Loneliness is the biggest one as all our friends are married couples and it's hard to do things with them now.

You never think you'll be in this position, but now that you are sign those papers, and start really healing.

There's plenty of fish in the sea and although you expected to be with this guy forever, you can't make people have feelings back to you. People change, as crappy as it is, and you've got just start being selfish and "do you".


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

hi TAM friends, i havent posted in a while, days have been better, i havent been speaking with the stbx and i think that makes it easier.

got the divorce papers a little over a week ago and it felt like a ton of bricks hit me.

thanks to a great friend of mine that refused to let me sit in my house i went out and had a good weekend.

went this past weekend to look for a new place to live (as I am still in our place and the lease is to be over soon.

excited and scared to have a new place on my own, excited to have something new to look forward to, but a little scared of the money part of doing it on my own. (i have done it before and can do it again)

i was finally able to read over the divorce papers without crying and found some things that i dont agree with.

contacted the stbx and told him things need to be changed before i agree to them.

he was so angry and upset that he has to be "bothered" to correct the things i asked for (like him paying for everything as he previously agreed)

its almost humerous that he is so angry about everything now.

i want to tell him, this is what YOU wanted and now im dealing with it...

maybe the grass isnt greener on the other side

saldy it makes me laugh inside that he is so angry, because i have known all along his anger comes from him, not me, and him leaving and running into the arms of the posOW isnt going to make him happy...

just sucks that he cant see that, sucks that i had to lose him...


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

My STBXH is the same way. During each of the very few times that we have spoken in the past 3 months he was angry and exasperated. And, yes, both emotions were displaced toward me. 

I know he isn't happy. And, I'm sure your STBX isn't either. 

But they made their beds. Now they have to lie in them.

ETA: Glad you took some time out for yourself. You deserve it.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

It's sad that the stbx has gotten everything he "wanted" but is still so unhappy. Or at least that's the way it sounds

I still just don't get it and I'm beginning to think I never will
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

numb2012 said:


> It's sad that the stbx has gotten everything he "wanted" but is still so unhappy. Or at least that's the way it sounds
> 
> I still just don't get it and* I'm beginning to think I never will*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You probably won't. Once you accept that, you can start moving on for good. 

I analyze by nature and profession (I'm an engineer). So, as you can imagine, I have completely over-analyzed this situation with my STBX. It's a futile practice because I don't know exactly what is going on in his mind. And, all of the guessing and conjecture just keeps _my_ mind focused on something it shouldn't: him. 

I've gotten better at dealing with this, especially since my D will be final on Thursday. But, I still catch myself asking "Why?" out loud from time to time. Old habits die hard.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> You probably won't. Once you accept that, you can start moving on for good.
> 
> I analyze by nature and profession (I'm an engineer). So, as you can imagine, I have completely over-analyzed this situation with my STBX. It's a futile practice because I don't know exactly what is going on in his mind. And, all of the guessing and conjecture just keeps _my_ mind focused on something it shouldn't: him.
> 
> I've gotten better at dealing with this, especially since my D will be final on Thursday. But, I still catch myself asking "Why?" out loud from time to time. Old habits die hard.


I completely understand what you mean. Although I don't spend time obsessing over the reasons why like I have in the past, I still catch myself wondering why he said or did this or that. 

I'm doing better with the fact that I will probably never understand, but it does make me a little sad to think he is unhappy ( I'm a person fixer by nature)

Not that that means I still have hope fore and him because I really don't think I could ever get past the hell he has put me through!

Just wonder what could have been if he would had stuck around to try and not run away. 

Like I have said its something I try not to dwell on because it is the past and doesn't help me in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Feeling down and lonely tonight. I hate this roller coaster of emotions!

Fighting the urge to send him a message, although at this point not sure if I would be so nice. 

Wanting to go and shake him! Haven't felt like this on a while. 

What advice do u guys have to get rid of feeling icky like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

put some music on, your favourite and sing until your heart is content....whatever music it is just sing woman


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Hope you are feeling a little better Numb.

Try to get out for a couple hours. It helps me for a while sometimes.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Thanks UP, I have been getting out more, doing things with friends and it feels good. 

Still have my triggers though. Was out shopping yesterday with a friend and what song comes on in the store? The song we had our first dance to at our wedding. I had to step outside. Cried a few tears and went back in. Boy did that suck. 

Overall though I still miss the stbx, or at least what he used to be. Just having someone to share my life with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Numb, I am going through the same things. Trigger, cry, back to whatever I was doing...dealing with the highlight reel. You aren't at all alone. :/ ((Hugs))


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Hi Numb,

I have read your entire post and I am going through similar. My wife of 6 years told me she wanted out, two weeks after we moved in to a new house. Devistated!!! we were best friends for 6 years prior.I got the " I never really got the In Love Feeling for you. Long story short, that was in may. I had to move because we couldnt afford a second place and no one would take her in. I had to move back home ahour and half away. We have o contact except for bills. I am crushed on a daily basis. I have to take sleeping pills and through the day, she is ALL I think about. She filed for D on the 27th, I got my papers the other day. I sent her a text saying. "Got my papers today, hopefully now you can be happy", of course no response. Anyway, hang in there.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Lost, 
Sorry to hear u are going through this as well. Sometimes I feel as if I'm living in the twilight zone. Kind of like I'm watching someone else's life unravel if that makes any sense?

It helps to hear that I'm not the only one going through this, but it does suck. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ok maybe the posOW, but she doesn't count, lol!

It's almost if our stbx's got this guide book on how to walk away from their spouse but I didn't get mine!

Hang in there and know that ur not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Ok so I know I'm not supposed to focus on the stbx but I have to ask for an opinion. 

I talked to him tonight and he keeps asking so are u dating anyone? Have u been on any dates?

I haven't because I don't feel like I'm ready to put myself out there. While I have moved on in some instances I don't feel like I am any where close to being ready to date anyone. 

So why all the questions about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

He might be jealous. He might be looking for justification about his affairs. He might want to try and come back but can't/won't because you're involved with someone. Who knows? It could be anything. 

The bottom line, though...it's none of his business. Period.


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## Alonendevastated (Sep 10, 2012)

*Still having nightmares*

Hi all

Just read thru Numbs experience and it does give me hope that I will be in a better place soon.

Around 10 months ago and on our anniversary, my wife never bothered to get me a card and just kinda said she was busy and forgot. That should have been a sign to me then, but she was busy and I believed her. We have three kids, both of us work full time corporate jobs and many of our arguments over the years have been over our kids crazy after shool schedules or her schedule. All are under 10 yrs and each one of them has 2-4 after school activities 3-4 times per week. Needless to say, our neighbors, nanny's(have went thru 4 of them because they couldn't hack the grueling schedules) have almost become step parents. I wanted our kids to have at most (1) activity period, but my wife wouldn't have any of it. Called me uninvolved and unsupportive. To me family time was family time and not having our neighbors cart our kids around or us carting our kids around and dropping them off for an hour or two. All of her friends championed this life style, but none of them worked full time like both of us and travelled as much as she does. 

So, fast forward to mid August(man it it only seems like yesterday), when she came back from a 1 day trip, that was extended to two days because she missed her flight (supposedly). Upon her return, she said she wanted a divorce after 17 yrs. I was devastated. She cut into things that happened even when we dating early on and said it never felt right and said she was never really in love with me. Yes, like all marriages we had our ups and downs, but over the past 3-4 yrs, we'd argue and never resolve anything and then wake up the next day with everything swept under the carpet and like nothing happened. She would always forge ahead with whatever we were arguing about and this made me resent her. I still loved her though and hoped things would change. Both of us started to pull away from the relationship. We no longer had "date nights" and most of our week revolved around the kids crazy schedules with very little "us" time. The weekends too, though I would usually head out with whatever kid or kids that weren't scheduled for yet more activities and go fishing/camping etc. She was never really interested in doing these things as a family.

I know she is having an affair and the evidence is overwhelming at this point (facebook notes with the guy, wierd calls from the guy(she admitted) at 1am, lacy lingerie in her luggage) though she still won't admit and blames the whole marriage failure on me. The divorce is under way.

I have lost some weight and have not been getting sleep. My grief overwhelms me at times and I think about her everyday, but know that I need to move on somehow. Today, i moved into my new apt, while she still lives at the house. I ahve the kids this week while she is away on travel(again and is probably rendezvouing with the OM). My kids are devastated too and want us to get back together, but the move has brought some peace to their lives since the don't have to listen to her scream and yell at the top of her lungs at dad anymore. 

I know I need to move on, but these hours and days are damn difficult. She wants to fight too and just like when we were married its her way or the highway- this will surely bankupt us with the lawyers.

Still waiting to wake up from this bad dream.

Alone n devastated.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi Alone;

We are in similar boats. STBXW and I work corporate jobs. Kids have crazy schedules with a zillion activities. I wanted to minimize the number of activities, but I was ignored in this regard. STBXW ignored all of my advice in parenting. She essentially mated me then discarded me. STBXW eventually WAW'd on me and created a horrible living environment (silent treatment) for me. I ended up moving out only later to find she had an EA. She is probably having multiple EA's on FB now. I filed for divorce out of anger, but I cxl'd it because I should not file out of anger. My main goal now is to stay separated, work on myself, move on, let go, IC, 180, etc. I have been out for 3 months now and I am a little better. In the beginning I was suicidal but now I am accepting the new life I have. I still have bad days (today is one), but it is slowly getting better. I am resolved I will never go back to her neglect and disrespect. The chance of R will require a miracle - one that I will not hold my breath for. My main goal now is to divorce the STBXW in June 2013.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi Alonendevastated, 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. But welcome to TAM. 

Just a point of information: you'll probably get more help/advice if you start your own thread, preferably in the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) subforum. You can just copy/paste your post above into the new thread. 

Keep posting and reading, though. We're here to help.


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## Alonendevastated (Sep 10, 2012)

boxhead201 said:


> My main goal now is to divorce the STBXW in June 2013.


Hi boxhead.

Thanks for your response. Sorry I hijacked this thread and will probably take to a new thread. In any event, I'll bet many more are in our shoes with a spouse who is insistent on booking every minute of our kids time and then calling it "family time". Curious if the courts would advocate a reasonable schedule vs. one that involves neighbors/nannies/$$$ to juggle kids around all the time.

Alonendevasted


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Talked with a friend last night who has another friend that knows the stbx's OW. Apparently the comment was made that the stbx does everything for the OW now. 

My friend just told me this as something she heard, I know it wasn't meant to be harmful to me. 

Now I just can't get that statement out of my mind. "he does everything for her"

Well laudy freaking dah isn't that just special!

So hurt and wanting this emotional roller coaster to end. 

How can I stop thinking about it?!

So frustrated

End vent
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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