# Spouse had an affair



## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

After 19 almost 20 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an affair. He was sleeping with a co-worker who was @14 years younger than him and she was a recovering herion addict. During this time he was cold, we got into physical altercations and I lost a baby. It has been almost 2 years now and I still have difficulty getting past this. He was drinking more and more and even tried comitting suicide twice. Now that we are still together, I feel as if I cannot compare to her, I feel she did things better, and he enjoyed her more physically than me. I feel that because I spent more time taking care of everyone else that I forgot about him and this is why he cheated. I tried and debated death myself,but I worry about my son.I need advice on how to get past this.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Kms said:


> After 19 almost 20 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an affair. He was sleeping with a co-worker who was @14 years younger than him and she was a recovering herion addict. During this time he was cold, we got into physical altercations and I lost a baby. It has been almost 2 years now and I still have difficulty getting past this. He was drinking more and more and even tried comitting suicide twice. Now that we are still together, I feel as if I cannot compare to her, I feel she did things better, and he enjoyed her more physically than me. I feel that because I spent more time taking care of everyone else that I forgot about him and this is why he cheated. I tried and debated death myself,but I worry about my son.I need advice on how to get past this.


I recommend you either divorce your husband or work with him TOGETHER on a professionally and time tested marital recovery plan like HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY. 

I presume your husband probably isn't too happy with the current marital situation at home either so hopefully you can get him on board with working a free plan. There's tons of articles and advice you can both read together to learn, perhaps for the first time, to have a marriage that's great for both of you. 

Here's another article on the same website that kind of outlines how you'd go about exiting your marriage should your husband refuse to get on board with fixing what he broke in a healthly mature manner:

WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS


Ultimately what I'm advising is that you don't stay stuck in limbo land. Demand better {and actually encourage your husband to be better or even great --- try to build him up as you hope he eventually builds you up} or get you and your son out of this unhealthy environment {thereby modeling appropriate relationship behavior to him as well}. If you can't get out now, spend your time bettering and preparing yourself to support yourself and being able to get out when you finally can.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

However dark things seem your son should be your priority... how old is he?

Why would you choose to suffer in this relationship?

His choice to cheat was not on you and should never be owned by you...

Can you financially stand on your own?

Have you thought about how a codependence has affected you?

If you are thinking about taking your life, get to a counselor immediately, no waiting... now is the time.

What country are you in?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Did the affair end 2 years ago, do you know how long it lasted and what steps were taking to end it and know that he has ended it and any other affair? That's my first set of questions.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kms said:


> After *19 almost 20 years of marriage* I found out my husband was having an affair. *He was sleeping with a co-worker who was @14 years younger* than him and she was a *recovering herion addict*. During this time he was cold, we got into *physical altercations *and I *lost a baby.* It has been almost 2 years now and I still have difficulty getting past this. He was *drinking more and more and even tried comitting suicide twice.* Now that we are still together, I feel as if I cannot compare to her, I feel she did things better, and he enjoyed her more physically than me. I feel that because I spent more time taking care of everyone else that I forgot about him and this is why he cheated. I tried and *debated death myself*,but I worry about my son.I need advice on how to get past this.



Stop everything and get individual counseling immediately. If you have to call a crisis or suicide hotline and tell them you have contemplated suicide. You need professional help.

You have a lot on your plate that you need to address. 

MY advice is to work with a professional mental health counselor and focus on you and not your drinking, abusive partner. In fact my advice to you would be to at least do a multi-month trial separation from him so you can heal your mind and heart and start to get back to a better perspective.

Good luck. Get others to help you. Nothing is so bad that suicide is the answer. I have dealt with suicide in my family and it just does so much harm to those left behind that no one should ever contemplate it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If you're not doing IC and marriage counseling, you need to start doing both immediately. Recovering from infidelity and moving forward to have a healthy, successful relationship is something that two people can rarely do without professional help.

You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for your husband's cheating. He made that choice all on his own. If he felt neglected in the marriage, the right thing to do would be to come to you, communicate his needs, and work with you to find a solution. Instead, he chose to sleep with another woman. That is on him, NOT YOU. 

Is he blaming you for his affair? That is not right. If he is, that is manipulation and abuse.

How much does he drink? Is he an alcoholic, does he abuse alcohol? You may also want to consider attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself.

You cannot control him, nor should you try to. You can only control your behavior and how you choose to react to things.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Im not sure you can get past it. It sounds like he has some serious problems of his own he needs to work on. Decide if you can cut ties and remove yourself this situation. He has disrespected you your marriage and endangered your health and well being. Best of luck to you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Kms said:


> After 19 almost 20 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an affair. He was sleeping with a co-worker who was @14 years younger than him and she was a recovering herion addict. During this time he was cold, we got into physical altercations and I lost a baby. It has been almost 2 years now and I still have difficulty getting past this. He was drinking more and more and even tried comitting suicide twice. Now that we are still together, I feel as if I cannot compare to her, I feel she did things better, and he enjoyed her more physically than me. I feel that because I spent more time taking care of everyone else that I forgot about him and this is why he cheated. I tried and debated death myself,but I worry about my son.I need advice on how to get past this.


Kms, what you are going through is excruciating. Not only did your husband cheat on you with a younger woman, knocking down your self esteem as well as destroying your trust, he is drinking heavily and has attempted suicide.

Just one of those things would be enough to set someone back.

The first thing you need to do is get a counselor. If you can't afford one, get on the phone and call your local hospital, or social services to find out about how to speak with someone who is a professional right away. Just speaking with someone and telling them what is going on will help give you hope.

Please remember that if you end your life, it will affect your son for the rest of his life. When a parent commits suicide it increases the chances of a child also choosing that. Your husband's attempts at suicide have already given him the wrong message.

You need to take care of yourself, not your husband, and a counselor will help you plan some steps on how to do that.

Also make an appointment with your doctor so you can get on some antidepressant medications ASAP. They will help take the edge off and help you not go so low.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Kms said:


> After 19 almost 20 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an affair. He was sleeping with a co-worker who was @14 years younger than him and she was a recovering herion addict. During this time he was cold, we got into physical altercations and I lost a baby. It has been almost 2 years now and I still have difficulty getting past this. He was drinking more and more and even tried comitting suicide twice. Now that we are still together, I feel as if I cannot compare to her, I feel she did things better, and he enjoyed her more physically than me. I feel that because I spent more time taking care of everyone else that I forgot about him and this is why he cheated. I tried and debated death myself,but I worry about my son.I need advice on how to get past this.


Stop stop stop. 

His cheating is on him and him alone. You did nothing to cause him to cheat. 

What is going on present day? 

Are the two of you getting along or is the marriage still broken?

Are you wanting to get past his cheating or the way he is treating you now?

Some people are just wired to never get past being cheated on.


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## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

He is no longer drinking (for over a year now) and he is trying to do everything he can to make it better. But its me. I have triggers. Music, tv,objects. Then i spiral. Tried counseling, but had the therapist tell me to figure out what "she" did and copy it to get my place back. So i gave up on it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Kms said:


> Tried counseling, but had *the therapist tell me to figure out what "she" did and copy it to get my place back.* So i gave up on it.


Unbelievably bad advice. 

Find another counselor. Good ones are out there; sometimes you have to go through several to get to the “right” one. Don’t give up on this — you need solid support right now. Suicide is NOT the answer.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Terrible advice from your therapist. Don't try and be a cheap imitation of of a cheap woman. Be the best version of yourself. 

Had your husband shown remorse? Is he still abusive or has that ended now that he is no longer drinking? Is he still cold and distant?

Has all contact with other woman ended?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

You seem to be blaming yourself somewhat for all this and it's really not your fault. The first thing you need to do is understand that much. Marriages go though ups and downs but it doesn't justify cheating. Second it's often a sad fact of of life that the spouse with problems drags their husband or wife down with them. This seems like it's happening to you. You might be better off divorcing him. Nobody would blame you for it. Don't compare yourself to your husbands druggy ho. You are better than her in every way that counts. If your husband does't recognize this, lose him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kms said:


> Tried counseling, but had the therapist tell me to figure out what "she" did and copy it to get my place back. So i gave up on it.


Many professional counselors and therapist believe that we live in a world of cause and effect and that people's behaviors are governed by situational motivators and resonses to their environments. 

Hence, they can often have a personal bias that if someone cheats on their spouse, that their spouse must have done something or not done something to have caused it or at bare minimum contributed to creating the environment that allowed infidelity to flourish. 

So an example of that would be if the BS was blond and worked evening shift and the WS got it on with a redhead during the evening while the BS was at work - A counselor may advise the BS to find a day shift job and change their hair color to red. 

What many professionals either fail to understand or perhaps they are ethically unable to come out and say is that much of adultery is lack of character and that many people are simply selfish and don't care that they hurt people. 

Very few professionals are just going to come right out and say that a WS is a bad person and that they lack character. 

Sandra Bullock got cheated on. 

Do you think Sandra Bullock needs to change her appearance and start acting like the tramps that her turd of a husband cheated on her with?

No. He cheated because he was a dbag and that is what dbags do. 

It's a character issue. You could be the world's most beautiful and sexy and nice and success person on the planet and still get cheated on because the what is causing the person to cheat is their own character and their own bad behavior. 

Someone that drinks and beats their pregnant wife and bangs other women is a turd. And nothing that wife does or does not do can make that turd be anything other than a turd.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Kms said:


> He is no longer drinking (for over a year now) and he is trying to do everything he can to make it better. But its me. I have triggers. Music, tv,objects. Then i spiral. Tried counseling, but had the therapist tell me to figure out what "she" did and copy it to get my place back. So i gave up on it.


 I hope you misunderstood what they meant, otherwise this is the dumbest advice that I have ever heard from a supposed professional. What she did was cheat with a married man, is that what the counselor is suggesting that you do? Don't compare yourself to her as you are way above her already, so stop. Your marriage will never be the same as before, so there is no going back. Some people can accept it and move forward, a few even grow to a stronger relationship. Unfortunately most do not get over the hurt and divorce. It doesn't mean if you forgive that you are better or stronger, it is just who we are in life. If you can't move past the pain, then there is no sense torturing one another, just turn to a new chapter in your life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you were neglecting his needs, it was his responsibility to come to you and to express this.
It was also your responsibility to be more conscious of and respectful of his needs.
Just as it is his responsibility to be more conscious of and respectful of your needs.

I am sorry you lost the baby. I hope that his abuse of you was not the cause. Did you both adequately mourn the loss together? Or were you apart?
You can't control his actions. Only he can do this. And you are not responsible for the choices he has made and will make. You can only control yourself and your actions.

You must decide what is best, but were it me, I would not accept a cheating spouse back, not if he were unremorseful. I can rightfully own the part of the breakdown of the marriage that was my fault, but under no circumstances would I carry 100% of the responsibility for repairing a marriage after infidelity by my spouse.

Has he stopped all contact with his AP?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Kms said:


> He is no longer drinking (for over a year now) and *he is trying to do everything he can to make it better. But its me.* I have triggers. Music, tv,objects. Then i spiral. Tried counseling, but had the therapist tell me to figure out what "she" did and copy it to get my place back. So i gave up on it.


"But it's me"... NO IT'S NOT!

Yeah it's great your WS is "now" doing "everything"... Hmmm I think that's what a dedicated spouse should be doing all along. 

See the thing about R is what your H did to you and your children can never be undone. It's impossible to un-cheat. What you are experiencing is the "dirty little secret" of R after infidelity. As great as thing are now and possibly can be, the marriage is forever tainted. Can your marriage survive? Without a doubt, but at some point you have to accept the truth that you will never see your H in the same way or respect him as you did prior to infidelity. Strange as it seems, that's part of the "healing" process you will need.


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## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

My son is my top priority. And the affair has been over since 12/2016. That has not stopped HER from creating multiple social media accounts and contacting us. Police will do nothing because I cannot prove it is HER. Her mom even got involved protecting HER.
This makes it very difficult to move on. SHE obviously has serious mental health issues, and tries to do the same thing to others but always comes back to us. We have all gone through therapy, husband is now 1.5 years sober, and is the man I married. But my scars are deep,and feels as if they will never heal. I can easily take care of myself and my son. So there is no dependency for me on my husband. The truth is I love him.


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## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

Things have been getting better. His drinking had a lot to do with his attitude. I mourned the loss by myself as he was not really around. I told him months later once he was sober. He has no contact with anyone as he prefers to have a basic phone which he installed an app for all messages,vm and call log come directly to my phone. I know he is trying to make everything up to me. We no longer speak to certain friends and family anymore because of the things that were said and done to me. We have sold our home,moved, and changed our phone numbers.


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## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

The affair lasted @ 4 months. He quit his job (they worked together) we changed our phone numbers, moved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have gotten good advice. Dump the counselor.


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## Kms (Feb 16, 2018)

My husband has been extremely remorseful. And is doing everything I ask of him to help me get past this. As far as the altercations we had, he never hit me. It was me hitting him. He pushed me away a few times but never hit me.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It takes time to heal so don’t feel like you need to be perfect by a certain time. Please see a counselor. Don’t go back to the first one. In the meantime there is a lot of material on cognitive behavioral therapy on the internet. For the sake of your son you need to get past this depression fog. I understand the functioning depressed mode that you can revert to just to get through the day. I’ve been to a very dark place but please don’t give up.


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