# Looking to reconcile, new thread.



## Sunchaser

Thank you all for your comments in my last thread. I feel it was going a little off topic at some points so I am making a new one. So, we are acting good and she is being nice as she said she wanted to be friends. However just yesterday she reminded me we are getting a divorce, so that has not changed. However she asked me to take her to the doctor today because she is sick and we went shopping afterwards for a few things. Everything is cordial and nice. No fighting. No discussing getting back together as I have agreed to stop pushing. What does this “friendship” and nice acting even mean. I already see a lot of comments coming about her using me, so besides that, what do you guys see in this. Thanks in advance


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## SA2017

she is relieved that everything is said and planned out but you guys are able to be friends. friends are being nice and help out each other, right. so that's it. i wouldn't read any deeper into that. sorry. 
there many divorced couples that remain friends and have a friendship. she may just want that.


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## Openminded

What else is there to see? She said she wants to be friends and apparently she does. 

You want to hear she may change her mind. And she may -- sooner or later. Or not. Who knows. But thinking about what she may do doesn't benefit you. Focus on you -- not on her.


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## SunCMars

Hello, Sunchaser..

I am SunCMars..

I looked, I tried. I could find not a one, no other posts by you.

Without a reference, a start point, I am without a rudder.
And for this major-domo reason, I best not utter.

Fill us in on the blanks, color in the grey areas.

Friendship after divorce is preferred.
If she was infidelious, was a cheater, I think, no, I know this would make friendship nigh impossible.
A cordial relationship not likely either.

SCM-


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## SunCMars

The friendship means that she loves you. But is not 'in love with you'.
The passion is gone. Rationed, rationality remains.


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## Sunchaser

Any advice on bringing the “in love with me” back.


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## Edmund

Sunchaser said:


> Any advice on bringing the “in love with me” back.


It isn't coming back. Sorry. You need to slowly distance yourself. A friend will take a friend to the doctor if the sick person has no family. And maybe even shopping on occasion if both want to go. But no more chauffering her around. Just say no, I can't take you because I am going to a bar to see if I can find a woman who wants to be with me forever after she so promises. Suggest that she ask her affair partner to take her.


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## happy as a clam

Not sure what happened to your other thread (which I read and also commented on), but I think you’ll get much of the same advice on this thread that you got on the other one.

You can’t manufacture new advice based on your current set of circumstances. If she’s done, she’s done.

Time for you to move on from her.


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## oldshirt

Sunchaser said:


> So, we are acting good and she is being nice as she said she wanted to be friends. However just yesterday she reminded me we are getting a divorce, so that has not changed. However she asked me to take her to the doctor today because she is sick and we went shopping afterwards for a few things.
> 
> 
> What does this “friendship” and nice acting even mean.
> 
> what do you guys see in this.



What I see in this is she uses you for favors and things to help her. Things that normally a spouse/lover would do only in this case you do not get that which you want....ie a spouse/lover.


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## MJJEAN

She said she wanted to be friends. She seems to have meant it. She's treating you like a friend.


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## EleGirl

Starting a new thread is not going to get you different responses because the same people are going to respond to this thread.

I gave you good advice on that thread of how to approach fixing your marriage. You blew off my response to you. So, if you are going to ignore what I say, I guess I won't be replying any further on either of your threads.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/406306-looking-reconcile.html*

further.. I will be merging your 2 threads because they are on the same topic.


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## Sunchaser

Elegirl! Thank you for your response. I do not see the link to the 180 on your signature block. I don’t see your signature block at all either. Am I blind? Thanks


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## musiclover

Stop being so nice to her. She told you it's over. Don't drive her to dr stop shopping with her, just stop.


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## EleGirl

Sunchaser said:


> Elegirl! Thank you for your response. I do not see the link to the 180 on your signature block. I don’t see your signature block at all either. Am I blind? Thanks


I'm not sure why you don't see my signature block. Here is the link...

*The Healing Heart: The 180*


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## Openminded

Sunchaser said:


> Any advice on bringing the “in love with me” back.


Focus on you.


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## Suspicious1

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why you don't see my signature block. Here is the link...
> 
> *The Healing Heart: The 180*


He's probably using a mobile device which limits visibility and functions!


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## SunCMars

Sunchaser said:


> Any advice on bringing the “in love with me” back.


Get out of your dour relationship.
Get yourself fit, workout.

Do the 180, for you.
This is not done to get a spouse to fall back in love with you.
However, it has been my experience that it will get them to notice you 'a lot' if this behavior is out of the norm.
In your case, she expects you to fawn over her. She expects you to beg her back.She expects you to 'nice' her back.

Doing the opposite will make her take notice rather quickly.

Note!! For good or bad. 
She may like the fact that you are moving on. No, she will not like that you are now cool, are not helpful, are indifferent,
Indifferent, not mean, not hostile. Are cool. Are not available.

If she is fence sitting this will force her hand, one way or the other. Which is what you want.

Most here at TAM think she is done with you. She has plans that do not include you. 
In the short term? Yes, you are her servant and friend.
You are handy. Can 'do things' for her. Just do not touch her with your hands.

If she is not cheating at this time, she does not sound evil or bad.
She is moving on to a new life without you. And, she wants you to help her do this.

What a gal! So nice of her. 
Do not help her. Do not hinder her new plans. 
Just ignore her. 

Never be home. 
Do not engage her. 
Always have a happy air about you. Sing softly. Not done in a fake manner.
If she talks to you be cool and uninterested. 
Treat her like a stranger. Polite, but distant.

If she asks where you are going tell her out for a drive. Out to get coffee. Going for a walk, or a run. 
When at home always be in a different room. Reading, surfing the net. If she joins you, leave the room.

DO NOT DO THINGS FOR HER.
She wants to start a new life? It starts now. On her own. Without any assistance from you.

She will notice.

This is the answer. There is no other.

Most here think she is done with you
Your only hope is to return the 'done'.
Return it coolly.

Unwind yourself from her.

Lilith-


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## Marc878

Putting yourself in the "friend zone" won't get you much.

If you're smart you'll implement the 180 and move on like she has.

You can't do no contact you'll linger and wallow where you are.

The only one that can keep you there is you.

Living on hope won't get you much. 

Better wake up to reality pal


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## Sunchaser

I have an update, that may please a lot of you. So found out she is having an emotional affair I guess you would call it. “Person is in a different state”. She doesn’t know that I know this. I tried asking if there’s anything she hasn’t told me and she says there isn’t. So onto the next point. How do I end that and get back to reconciling. I know a lot of you will say, kick it to the curb. But that is not what I am looking for. All advice appreciated. Thanks again


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## Openminded

BOTH of you have to want to R for it to work. The problem is you want to and she doesn't. 

You've been given tons of good advice -- it's just not what you want to hear.


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## Sunchaser

I see the advice I have been given. However with this new found information that is now proven. Has anyone ever done any affair busting and did it end in reconciliation or such.


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## Malaise

Sunchaser said:


> I have an update, that may please a lot of you. So found out she is having an emotional affair I guess you would call it. “Person is in a different state”. She doesn’t know that I know this. I tried asking if there’s anything she hasn’t told me and she says there isn’t. So onto the next point. How do I end that and get back to reconciling. I know a lot of you will say, kick it to the curb. But that is not what I am looking for. All advice appreciated. Thanks again


What proof do you have? Actual proof that you can show her family members.


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## Lostinthought61

Sun....it takes two people to reconcile, you alone can't make it happen...right now you need to uncover more about this other person and then expose it...in the mean time listen to what people are telling you....


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## pragmaticGoddess

Sunchaser said:


> I see the advice I have been given. However with this new found information that is now proven. Has anyone ever done any affair busting and did it end in reconciliation or such.


Only if she wants to end it. 

With regards to your OP, it’s hard to say why she’s nice to you when she wants a divorce. But it doesn’t mean she’s in love with you. I think you already know that because you asked how to get those feelings back.

I see you were implementing the 180 in your previous thread. It’s time to do this now.


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## Openminded

Sunchaser said:


> I see the advice I have been given. However with this new found information that is now proven. Has anyone ever done any affair busting and did it end in reconciliation or such.


Sometimes, yes. Often, no. 

In other words, don't pin your hopes on this. You can expose her if you wish but that doesn't mean she will decide to R.


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## Marc878

Sunchaser said:


> I have an update, that may please a lot of you. So found out she is having an emotional affair I guess you would call it. “Person is in a different state”. She doesn’t know that I know this. I tried asking if there’s anything she hasn’t told me and she says there isn’t. So onto the next point. How do I end that and get back to reconciling. I know a lot of you will say, kick it to the curb. But that is not what I am looking for. All advice appreciated. Thanks again


You can't reconcile with her in an ongoing affair.

Exposure without warning is your best bet.

If the affair doesn't end no Reconcilliation or work on the marriage can begin. None!!!!

If other man is married inform his wife first. Without warning!!!! Do not inform your wife


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## chillymorn69

Call her to the carpet and expose him if hes married.

180.

Pound the weights start dressing nicer


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## farsidejunky

Sunchaser said:


> I see the advice I have been given. However with this new found information that is now proven. Has anyone ever done any affair busting and did it end in reconciliation or such.


 @drifting on @ButtPunch

Look, Sunchaser...

Reconciliation is not for the timid, nor the indecisive, nor the weak, nor the stubborn. You basically disregarded multiple people who told you exactly what was happening. 

If you honestly want to reconcile, you had better be prepared to get REALLY uncomfortable in the process.

And you know what? It still may not work. She may still tell you to go to hell. What many of us can promise you is that what you are currently doing will end with no reconciliation AND no self respect.

No matter what happens, if you are willing to listen, you will definitely gain the latter, with at least a shot at the former.


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## farsidejunky

pragmaticGoddess said:


> Only if she wants to end it.
> 
> With regards to your OP, it’s hard to say why she’s nice to you when she wants a divorce. But it doesn’t mean she’s in love with you. I think you already know that because you asked how to get those feelings back.
> 
> I see you were implementing the 180 in your previous thread. It’s time to do this now.


She is nice to you out of guilt.

If she can convince you to be friends, it will assuage her guilty conscience while reinforcing that leaving you to try out the OM was the right move.


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## turnera

Sunchaser said:


> Any advice on bringing the “in love with me” back.


Why did it leave in the first place?


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## toblerone

Have you ever been broken up from a woman before in your life?


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## SunCMars

Suspicious1 said:


> He's probably using a mobile device which limits visibility and functions!


Smart person, Thou!:grin2:


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## SunCMars

Sunchaser said:


> I have an update, that may please a lot of you. So found out she is having an emotional affair I guess you would call it. “Person is in a different state”. She doesn’t know that I know this. I tried asking if there’s anything she hasn’t told me and she says there isn’t. So onto the next point. How do I end that and get back to reconciling. I know a lot of you will say, kick it to the curb. But that is not what I am looking for. All advice appreciated. Thanks again


More details please!
Have they ever met in person?

She is having an emotional affair in a different state?, Your words, not mine.


My words:
She is having an affair in a different state of mind. Like most women and some men, she can only love one person at a time.
The other man, this is his turn, his time, to be loved by her, all on your dime.

Now, this is why she is treating you so nice. She is not a complete cad, completely selfish. She knows she is in the wrong.
The problem now, as mentioned repeatedly, she is now, not yours.

Your only chance is to make the other man disappear, or become hideous, a jerk, a lustful sneaky bore.
Run a background check on him. Pay whatever fees are necessary to get all the information on him. You can do this online. Might cost, what, maybe 50 dollars. No matter.

Maybe hire a PI to track him, one from his city. Smear him with truth, using the light of day exposure.
It may not work, getting your wife back. It will cause the POSOM to take notice. Get him to pull out and seek someone new.

When she sees that she has been dumped, she will either leave or sit and stew. Red Faced Onion derived stew. She will be shamed.
Her shame is your strength.
Shame is a gun with a crooked barrel. You may aim for a justifiable target and ending, only to find it shooting off one of your toes.
Go for it. 

Get her to Shame Station and report back to us.

Thanks, Good hunting,

The Martian-


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## SunCMars

Now, as a Martian I know what to do.
I would smother her in love, not in a passive way. NO, NO.

I would be very aggressive, not hurtful or mean. I would just hold her, bone crushing tight.

Looking her in the eye, telling her, she is mine and no one else's.

Tell her, "You are mine, and no one else's." Kiss her hard on the forehead like Michael Corleone. 

But, before you do this, you must break up her affair. Knock that POSOM out of her mind, on his fat butt.

This presumes, that he has never touched more than her mind. 

If it went beyond that.
Her fate is beyond reprieve.


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## drifting on

Sunchaser

Your wife, for whatever reason, has fallen out of love with you. In your posts you question how to get that back. Truthfully, it may or may not ever return for your wife. Giving her space, being her friend, being her husband at this point is wrong. In her mind you haven’t fought enough for her, you’ll be her friend, and OM looks that much better in the weakness she is seeing in you now. Your wife has put you in a war without you ever knowing. Yet she is evaluating you on your actions which you can’t possibly win. 

Your first step is showing you are willing to be rid of the marriage. Second is to show you won’t be her friend. Third is to file for divorce and limit all communication to email only. Separate finances as instructed by your lawyer, cancel all credit cards that are joint. Do not speak unless about your kids. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Next expose her affair after you have notified the spouse of OM. Go nuclear on this and also get advice on exposure from your lawyer. You can’t reconcile with the affair ongoing. 

If your wife asks you anything about exposure, smile and walk away. Do this for most of what she says. Once the affair is exposed it may end or it may not. Be prepared that OM may frequent your state for business and that your wife has met OM in person. It may be far more then just an EA. Remember, your wife would “never cheat, trust me” line is complete bull. Change your mind and thinking to, your wife is much more capable then you think. Get mad and use that anger constructively to blow up her world.


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## Suspicious1

At age 27, 28 I went through one if my biggest and hardest heart breaks! This was late 1997, early 98. I was in a fog, to some I was temporarily insane. Breaking up from my first wife and two kids, what I later learned what started as little flirty so call friendly hanging out between my wife and some guy. I knew something wasn't right. The hanging up of the phone late at night, her dressing up differently, listening to different time of music, hanging out with a new friends! I quickly knew I was losing her.

I explained all this to an uncle and he said not to say anything, just watch and listened and don't do anything.
I had lost my job of 7 years, and was terrified, insecure and depressed by it, but I knew she was up to something. I believe she took advantage of my situation to play.

When I had hard proof i gave her an ultimatum end it or I'm gone! She said she would, left me with the kids late afternoon around an hour I called my uncle he said dress up the kids we're taking them to her patents. He came by 2 hours later from work, I hadn't herd a word back from her.
Dropped the kids, went to my uncle's house, never heard from her that night.

The next morning we spoke, she said she wanted a break! Among other crappy reasons as to why, "we need the separation"
She was indifferent, distant. 
I knew right then I was never going to look back! 
What killed me the most, after a month or two she was ready to come back! She tried all sorts things promises, she even trapped me in a car a drove me to a highway thinking i would listen to her reason's why we should get back. 

I said NO. I was free from her, it wasn't easy, but I was done! Sure i cried like a baby, for my family, my friends asked me do you want to go back? It was sure NO, never. It was the constant badgering of her calling me at my uncle's, at my new job.
I did a 180 without really know what it was.

I was there for my kids, and more importantly I was there for me, hitting the gym, eating right, educational wise, traveled etc. 

My point is you can't change someone's mind once they're on that train. They might want to come back, but do you want to after it all?

Good luck



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## drifting on

Suspicious1 said:


> At age 27, 28 I went through one if my biggest and hardest heart breaks! This was late 1997, early 98. I was in a fog, to some I was temporarily insane. Breaking up from my first wife and two kids, what I later learned what started as little flirty so call friendly hanging out between my wife and some guy. I knew something wasn't right. The hanging up of the phone late at night, her dressing up differently, listening to different time of music, hanging out with a new friends! I quickly knew I was losing her.
> 
> I explained all this to an uncle and he said not to say anything, just watch and listened and don't do anything.
> I had lost my job of 7 years, and was terrified, insecure and depressed by it, but I knew she was up to something. I believe she took advantage of my situation to play.
> 
> When I had hard proof i gave her an ultimatum end it or I'm gone! She said she would, left me with the kids late afternoon around an hour I called my uncle he said dress up the kids we're taking them to her patents. He came by 2 hours later from work, I hadn't herd a word back from her.
> Dropped the kids, went to my uncle's house, never heard from her that night.
> 
> The next morning we spoke, she said she wanted a break! Among other crappy reasons as to why, "we need the separation"
> She was indifferent, distant.
> I knew right then I was never going to look back!
> What killed me the most, after a month or two she was ready to come back! She tried all sorts things promises, she even trapped me in a car a drove me to a highway thinking i would listen to her reason's why we should get back.
> 
> I said NO. I was free from her, it wasn't easy, but I was done! Sure i cried like a baby, for my family, my friends asked me do you want to go back? It was sure NO, never. It was the constant badgering of her calling me at my uncle's, at my new job.
> I did a 180 without really know what it was.
> 
> I was there for my kids, and more importantly I was there for me, hitting the gym, eating right, educational wise, traveled etc.
> 
> My point is you can't change someone's mind once they're on that train. They might want to come back, but do you want to after it all?
> 
> Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




Sunchaser

This quote should be your mantra, there are no truer words that could be spoken. Of course you could go nuclear on exposure, but that just might not be enough to end the affair. You need to be prepared for the affair to continue. You can only control you, nobody else, and the position you find your wife to be in, hope is fading quickly without a nuclear event. 
@Suspicious1, I think your uncle to be a very wise man, you were blessed to have him in your life.


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## Suspicious1

drifting on said:


> Sunchaser
> 
> This quote should be your mantra, there are no truer words that could be spoken. Of course you could go nuclear on exposure, but that just might not be enough to end the affair. You need to be prepared for the affair to continue. You can only control you, nobody else, and the position you find your wife to be in, hope is fading quickly without a nuclear event.
> 
> @Suspicious1, I think your uncle to be a very wise man, you were blessed to have him in your life.


Thank you, my uncle lived an incredible life, once being a professional baseball pitcher, travelling singer well spoken and ladies man lol. Never had any kids of his own, and I didn't have a father but he certainly treated me as his son.

I would advice to the O.P speak to someone close to you who's seeing the situation with different eyes other than yours. Someone who has your best interest in mind, not best friend. I really was lucky to have some great friends at the time, but I did have some acquaintances that wanted to take advantage of my situations sadly. To put it more clear wanted to sleep with my ex, I know because she and other friends told me. So be careful to those around you.

Again good luck 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Rhubarb

Sunchaser said:


> I see the advice I have been given. However with this new found information that is now proven. Has anyone ever done any affair busting and did it end in reconciliation or such.


You are sounding like a moth to a flame. I've done this whole scenario and It doesn't work. She's using your "friendship" to transition to what she thinks will be her next relationship. You *SHOULD* kick her to the curb. In fact that may be the only way to get her back although that is not guaranteed. Women generally respond to strength not weakness. If the other guy is married let his wife know. Once she sees you are not actually going to support her affair (which is what you are doing now) she will have to make the hard choices. Now you are making it easy on her.


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## turnera

In the 20+ years I've been doing this, I've seen maybe 10 couples that survived a woman cheating. Men often cheat just to get more sex. But women usually cheat to 'be in love.' They ignorantly think that if they're not feeling butterflies anymore, they are not in love. The ONLY men I've seen who've saved their marriages immediately, swiftly, and strongly told the wife HIM OR ME and if she didn't immediately pick him, he DUMPED her and exposed the affair. THOSE women woke up and saw they really did love their husband, and were grateful for the second chance. To do anything else is signing the death certificate on your marriage.


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## Sunchaser

Thanks for all the replies. I am reading them. I just don’t know what to say at the moment. Currently in a state of “shock” and sadness I suppose you could say. Hopes high and expectations low. I’ve always tried to live like that in certain aspects of life. Any more advice is always appreciated, thank you


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## turnera

*shrug* We already told you what to do - him or me and expose if she doesn't pick you. It's the only thing that works.


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## Malaise

turnera said:


> *shrug* We already told you what to do - him or me and expose if she doesn't pick you. It's the only thing that works.


It's not the 'magic bullet' answer he wanted, something that would fix his problem without things getting too messy.


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## Yeswecan

I get the sense that sunchaser is plan B. WW is keeping sunchaser as a "friend" and doing things together stringing sunchaser along. Detach and 180.


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## Bananapeel

So the real question is what are you getting out of this "friendship"? All of my friendships are mutually beneficial and if they cease to be then the friendship dies. It's OK to not be friends with an ex, especially if they aren't offering you anything of value and you are only getting heartbreak. Women typically offer "friendship" as a nice way of slowly breaking up so they can preserve your feelings. As a man, it's so much easier to just be direct and decisive and simply not agree to that. I suggest just tell her that you are not interested in being just friends, but you'll be civil and work with her calmly and fairly through the divorce. Remember, she can always change her mind about divorce but you have to never bring it up and if it happens it has to be her idea that she comes to on her own.

My XWW told me she wanted to be friends after we divorced and hang out socially together. I told her I wasn't interested and that while I'd be happy to go to school events or other kid events together as a group I didn't want more than that. Essentially, I offered her a civil co-parenting relationship only because I recognized that she doesn't have the characteristics I value in a friendship and the whole purpose of her request was for her to ease her guilt. Not to sound like a jerk, but her guilt is for her alone to make peace with.


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## Openminded

You want someone to tell you how to "nice" her back. You aren't likely to get that here.


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## Sunchaser

As always, one solution doesn’t fit all. I am reading the advice here and listening to a lot of it.


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## turnera

So if you're not going to demand she quit cheating and come clean, read this book instead; it'll tell you what to do:
https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Dev...MInLOWhoi_2AIVSbjACh0avg_WEAAYASAAEgKgD_D_BwE


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## Sunchaser

I will look into it


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