# I just need to tell someone



## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 9 married for 7 years. We have two 8 years old twins who we love very much. I like to think we have a good marriage even though it stared out pretty rough. I fell pregnant during my senior year in high school so we never stared off on the right. Being teenage parents is never easy it come with so many problems and difficulties. We always managed and found ways to work through them and becoming stronger. I truly believe I found my soul mate in my husband. I know I don’t deserve and everything he has done and given to me. 

During the fall semester I shared a few class together. We became good friends we shared many of the same interest. We would spend of time during together helping each with homework and studying. At one point we exchanged numbers and we stared to text each other like crazy. I never really thought we were doing anything wrong I always saw him as a good friend someone I could just talk. Last week we the both of us ever invited. We both went with different set of friends. Even though we didn’t go together we spent most of our time together. Towards the end of the party he asked me if I wanted to with him to another party his friends were having I knew I should have said no but I didn’t. I had a few chance to change my mind. At point we lost each other in the club where the party was taking place I went out of my way to find him. We would end up leaving together to one of his friend’s party which was more of a house party. I was already kind of drunk a t this point. When I got his friends party we spent about an hour just talking and hanging out with a few of his friends. I also stared drinking more we both end up going into one of the rooms. I end up cheating on my husband that night. I felt sick to my stomach and left right after it happened. I called one of my friends to pick me up. I asked her if I could sleep over at her place I never told her what happened but she knew something was wrong. I haven’t anyone this yet.

I was going to keep this a secret because I was scared of the amount of pain I would cause my husband and I don’t know how he would react. But I am so consumed with guilt. I have never ever cheated on my husband during marriage or before. I’ve never even had a one night stand. My husband and I are always completely honest with each other. If I tell him, he’ll be devastated. I don’t if he would be able to forgive me and I don’t know what I would do if he leave me. I know I am a complete coward, in every sense of the word. I am so scared of the fall out that I am paralyzed with fear. My husband, in no way deserves any of this. It makes me feel horrible to think of how he would react if he knew the truth. I don’t want to tell him but have been living in fear every single day that when I get home, my clothes and belongings will be thrown onto the lawn. I am so scared of the thought of someone else telling him. If he is to find out I would rather it be from me not someone else. I just feel so guilty all the time .I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I feel like I was so stupid about the whole thing it all could have been prevented. All I had to do was say no but I just couldn’t say no. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I don’t know what to do to get over this. I am so in love with my husband. I feel disgusted with myself. I just don’t know what to do if I keep this a secret I could maybe save my marriage. If I tell him I know he will be devastated and I could lose everything just too ease my guilt. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Sorry i didn't mean for it to be so long


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> My husband and I have been together for 9 married for 7 years. We have two 8 years old twins who we love very much. I like to think we have a good marriage even though it stared out pretty rough. I fell pregnant during my senior year in high school so we never stared off on the right. Being teenage parents is never easy it come with so many problems and difficulties. We always managed and found ways to work through them and becoming stronger. I truly believe I found my soul mate in my husband. I know I don’t deserve and everything he has done and given to me.
> 
> During the fall semester I shared a few class together. We became good friends we shared many of the same interest. We would spend of time during together helping each with homework and studying. At one point we exchanged numbers and we stared to text each other like crazy. I never really thought we were doing anything wrong I always saw him as a good friend someone I could just talk. Last week we the both of us ever invited. We both went with different set of friends. Even though we didn’t go together we spent most of our time together. Towards the end of the party he asked me if I wanted to with him to another party his friends were having I knew I should have said no but I didn’t. I had a few chance to change my mind. At point we lost each other in the club where the party was taking place I went out of my way to find him. We would end up leaving together to one of his friend’s party which was more of a house party. I was already kind of drunk a t this point. When I got his friends party we spent about an hour just talking and hanging out with a few of his friends. I also stared drinking more we both end up going into one of the rooms. I end up cheating on my husband that night. I felt sick to my stomach and left right after it happened. I called one of my friends to pick me up. I asked her if I could sleep over at her place I never told her what happened but she knew something was wrong. I haven’t anyone this yet.
> 
> ...


You messed up. Your husband deserves to know. He also deserves to know you if you used a condom. Either way, you need to get tested for STDs and you need to abstain from sex with your husband. His health is more important than your pride or personal happiness.

For what its worth, you do seem remorseful. If he is ready for R, be prepared to do whatever he asks to put his mind at ease.

If he were me, I would leave and not look back. You knew that man was going to be between your legs the moment you went with him; you are now just trying to blame the alcohol. Own it, as its the only way you will ever have a chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you still "good fiends" with this classmate ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you? By not telling him you are continuing to disrespect him. If you do not tell him that your marriage is now based on lies and betrayal rather than honesty and respect. The choice is yours.

By what you have written you have made it clear that your were seeking out this this other guy and you knew it would probably lead to sex. Did he at least use a condom? You need to get tested for STD's. If you have had sex with your husband since this time then he needs to get tested also. By the way, you are a married woman so why are your going to drinking parties without your husband? Would you want your husband to go to drinking parties without you also?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The longer you keep it secret the worse it will be when he finds out.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to tell your husband and the chips fall where they may.
You also need to set bun dries for yourself and never cross them. I would suggest the first one be no partying without your husband as previously stated. Good luck. Your gonna need it.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

It's important to have strong "bun dries". ☺


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP- I agree with posters above... sadly you have put yourself in a horrible position. The lie inside of you will eat at you until you tell him Are you able to live with that when you crawl in bed next to him, for the rest of your life? 

Also understand that until you fess up, you are lying by omission and subsequently removing his ability to choose if he wants to spend his life with a cheater, remorseful or not.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

TimesLikeThese said:


> It's important to have strong "bun dries". ☺


Stupid IPad. And old azz eyes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to do several things.

STD test, yes. And have a DNA test done on your twins. Why? Because that's one of the doubts you will have forced into his mind.

You do need to tell him. The sooner the better.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to think carefully before confessing. Read Tears. MattMatt will help you find the thread. I am on mobile device.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> You need to think carefully before confessing. Read Tears. MattMatt will help you find the thread. I am on mobile device.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sadly, that thread isn't accessible at this point. It's in the Private section.

Basically, Tears confessed and her husband bailed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you got played. Happens all the time. What matters now is whether you own up to what happened and show your husband the integrity you believe you have. It's the only honorable way out. Telling him the truth, that is. Without the truth, you have no marriage.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

A house party. A bed. And "a friend".

Your husband will eventually hear tell about that one.

Make no mistake.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

You can tell him and he may or may not leave, or he can find out on his own and he will most definitely leave.



Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

turnera said:


> So, you got played. Happens all the time. What matters now is whether you own up to what happened and show your husband the integrity you believe you have. It's the only honorable way out. Telling him the truth, that is. Without the truth, you have no marriage.


 One time when I have to disagree with you on that. She knew this guy had an interest in her and by the way she tells the story, I think she felt the same. 

She went to the party with her friends and he went with his yet they spent most of the time together. 

At that point she's a bit tipsy, and he asks her to go to another party, then she can't find him at the club where the party took place and "she sought him out."

Then they go to the house party and more booze and, well you know the rest. She admitted that she was sober enough to change her mind and she didn't. Her words not mine. 

Now she find herself in a pickle and there's a set of twins and her husband who will suffer for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not saying she is innocent. Just that she got targeted. There's a difference.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> Not saying she is innocent. Just that she got targeted. There's a *difference*.


Umm..?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I feel soooo badly for you. Not knowing your husband, of course, I have no idea how he would react to hearing news like this. For some men, it is the absolute end....no second chance. They would leave as soon as they got the news. Others might be willing to take a chance on reconciliation depending on how much they love their wives. At this point, there's just no telling. You could definitely start off by banishing this "friend" out of your life permanently. Tell him you made a terrible mistake, and you never want to see him or talk to him again. My guess is, he won't care much. He got your panties off and you gave him what he had no doubt been lusting after for weeks. No reason to remain friends with you anyway.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"You need to think carefully before confessing."

Longwalk,

I usually agree with the views you post and I think you generally give very sound and honest advice.

However, I cannot disagree more with you on this.

There is never a good reason for dishonesty and deception.

She has no right to usurp her BH's right to make informed decisions about his own life.

That would be another, equally great, betrayal of the loyalty and devotion she vowed to her husband.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> There is never a good reason for dishonesty and deception.
> 
> She has no right to usurp her BH's right to make informed decisions about his own life.
> 
> That would be another, equally great, betrayal of the loyalty and devotion she vowed to her husband.


Exactly. Her happiness does NOT equal more than her BH's health or right to choose.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

So sad to see my theory of american women proven again and again.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Post and run? That was fast.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I end up cheating on my husband that night. I felt sick to my stomach and left right after it happened. I called one of my friends to pick me up. I asked her if I could sleep over at her place I never told her what happened but she knew something was wrong. I haven’t anyone this yet.


You seriously think THAT is when the cheating started? When you had drunk sex with this creep?

THAT's when you think you crossed the line?

You crossed the line a LONG long l o n g way back there.

Wow


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

6301 said:


> One time when I have to disagree with you on that. She knew this guy had an interest in her and by the way she tells the story, I think she felt the same.
> 
> She went to the party with her friends and he went with his yet they spent most of the time together.
> 
> ...


Why is a married woman, a mother of two 

a. at a party with single people
b. drunk
c. alone with no marital support

How many red lights has she run long before she even got near that bed?


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Towards the end of the party he asked me if I wanted to with him to another party his friends were having I knew I should have said no but I didn’t. I had a few chance to change my mind. At point we lost each other in the club where the party was taking place I went out of my way to find him. We would end up leaving together to one of his friend’s party which was more of a house party. I was already kind of drunk a t this point.



This sounds like the antics of a wild teenager not a married mother of two. 

The only chance you have of fixing this is by doing a u turn and start behaving like a honorable wife and mother.

1. confess everything to your husband and let the cards fall where they may.
2. end this "friendship" with the other man permanently.
3. get away from the "drinking and clubbing" lifestyle which is kryptonite to marriage.

this is not multiple choice btw, you would have to do all three just to have a fighting chance at putting this back together. If you are thinking of just "rugsweeping" this and hoping that it all just goes away, I would advise you to read some of the other threads on this forum and see how often secrets like these
have a way of being exposed.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

DarkHoly said:


> So sad to see my theory of american women proven again and again.


No offense to the OP (other than her actions of course), but are we even sure she's American? Considering her name and usage of language, she might not be. I used to be cynical about American women myself, but I dont believe all are that way. I think if anything its a component of people in general; the more we have, the higher the bar is raised for what we want. Its a natural phenomenon of the electrochemical brain... 


verpin zal said:


> Post and run? That was fast.


It has only been one day so I dont wish to hastily pass judgement, but there have been plenty who show up here looking for people to coddle them. As soon as they receive a swift kick in the a** for their mistakes, they run.

Cheaper in neurochemical terms to run than to face the truth I guess...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Just the fact that you haven't posted back makes me think that you are just going to not tell your husband that you cheated on him and hope for the best.

Like a previous poster wrote, you were at multliple locations partying with your ONS. LOTS of people saw you.

You tell him now, he's going to be hurt and he may leave you.

If someone else tells him down the road, he's going to be even more hurt and likely to leave you.

Did you at least use a condom??? If not, you better hope you didn't catch something that you end up passing to your husband...

Does your husband even know that you were out partying with an opposite sex friend?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If the wife cheats there is about an 85% chance of divorce. If you tell him he will never get over it. There are men here that have been dealing with this over thirty years.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure what you want to share here and what you expect to get. If I understand this correctly, this is what happened:


You are reasonably horny and got pregnant young
You then went through a (kind of) shotgun marriage
You then continued studying, and being reasonably horny, and feeling that you still had oats to sow, went after a guy that you openly admit you were attracted and bedded him at a party (the only targeting that happened was by you)
You are now fairly certain (now that lust has subsided) that given the public nature of the party(ies) that your husband will hear of this and you are scared that you will lose his support, steady income and your child's father.

You want us to comment on 

Whether to tell your husband
What to tell your husband
How to tell your husband
When to tell your husband
Showing some understanding of why you did it
Helping you minimise the pain

And so far we have told you

To tell your husband
To tell you husband the complete truth (no trickle truthing or censoring)
To tell your husband yourself and face to face (before he finds out on his own)
To tell your husband now
 That you are in the wrong here and should own this
To work on yourself so that you become a better and stronger person
To expect the worst from your ex-husband

Good luck and if this doesn't work out with your husband, then don't rush into the next relationship and get your oats sown before starting another relationship so that you don't do this again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did you use protection? I'm thinking you did not. Get an STD test before having sex with your husband again. 

I'm sorry you feel sorry, but sorry doesn't cut it. I don't believe you ended up in the sack with this guy by happenstance. You wanted this long before the party ever started. And yes, lots of people who know you know what you did. Your husband will find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Your title and the meat of your post both suggest to me that you are posting here to alleviate guilt and "confess." It doesn't work that way. Your husband has the right to know what is really happening in his marriage and his life. My husband cheated on me and from the moment it happened I knew something was wrong. I searched and searched for answers to his subtle and then not-so-subtle changes in behavior (many sparked by guilt, which in turn eventually sparked resentment) and, honestly, when I finally had the truth, I was of course devastated and angry and lost, but I also felt a tiny bit of relief. I'd been right all along. Something had been wrong all along, and now I knew what it was, and that was the first step in the long road to reclaiming our relationship. 

Tell your husband the truth. He deserves it, and both of you deserve an honest, authentic relationship.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Ya, I don't think she wanted advice. I think she just wanted to let it out somewhere safe.

Some people have a warped sense of ethics and think confessing a betrayal to strangers rather than the betrayed resolves the problem in some small way.

It doesn't.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

Get tested for STDs- you can't be sure what souvenir you picked up from your ONS.

Tell your husband. He's going to find out. You weren't that careful and other people had to see you with POSOM at some point. Save some credibility and tell him yourself. It will be much worse when he finds out and the guilt will just rot your happiness and relationship with him until the beans are spilled. 

Interesting name you have given yourself. Do you see POSOM as your lost love?


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

The guy
We are no longer friends. Last time I saw him was the night happened.

Bryanp
I thought about it. A part of me says yes another say no. I know telling him is the right thing to do but then again if it was just once and he knew he wouldn’t do it again I think I would rather him not tell me. I think that’s just me justifying not telling him. Either way it’s a lose-lose situation 

I did seek this out. I didn’t go with him knowing I was going to sleep with him but I let it happen. As to why I did I don’t know. I ask myself over and over why I let myself do it. I can’t find answer why and its killing. I have a husband who loves me like crazy two wonderful kids. I have a life most women would kill for and I risked it all for what.

We did use a condom. I haven’t done a std’s text yet I haven’t paid much attention to the health risk involved with what I did till now. 

Turnera 
I don’t I was played. I know telling his the right thing to do as you put the honorable way. If I tell him I risk losing him. 

Thummper
I don’t know for sure how he would react I would like to think his love for me would be enough to get me a second chance. I know he loves me but is that enough. A big part me feels like I won’t get second if he ever where to find out. I already stopped talking to my friend. We both crossed line we shouldn’t have. I don’t think he was just trying to get some he really was a good friend and someone I could talk too. Yeah there is no reason to continue this friendship anymore I really don’t want be friends with him anymore.

Allen_A 
I did cross the line before the act actually took place. I said I before everything could have been prevented. The difference is everything before the act could have been forgiven. I know my husband would be angry rightfully so but he forgive me. My husband was going to come with me to the party something came up last minute and he had to go out of town on business. My husband told me I could go by myself if I wanted to.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- do you see POSOM as your lost love?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It would certainly appear that your cheating happened purely because you wanted it to. As you state, you had several chances to stop, but elected to press on to get what you wanted knowing that your husband was out of town working.

From the description you have provided, he will most likely find out. Stuff like this makes for great gossip and you were not careful. Other people had to see you and posom probably bragged, spilled the beans, to a few people also. Word will circle back around to your H sooner rather than later.

Do both of you a favor. Be the one to tell your H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Turnera
> I don’t I was played. I know telling his the right thing to do as you put the honorable way. If I tell him I risk losing him.


That's called a consequence, UAP. It's what adults deal with when they make wrong decisions. Honorable people - or people trying to regain their honor - ACCEPT their consequences.

By not telling him you show utter disrespect for your husband. By not telling him, you prove that you do not deserve him. And you will live a life of bad karma for it.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> The guy
> We are no longer friends. Last time I saw him was the night happened.
> 
> Bryanp
> ...


Were glad you at least came back to face harsh words from us. This indicates you are doing more than just looking for coddling; it indicates you feel bad and are trying to determine what is "right" to do.

Let me try another way of looking at it- try to bear with me here as its a little dry. What IS "right" and what is "wrong"? Language describes the state of energy around us relative to the time we have to consider that which is around us- it describes how we feel (electrochemical configuration of the human brain), the landscape around us (the mass of the ground, trees, grass, photons of light being reflected of these things), etc. "Right" is the idea expressed through language that we have a correct understanding of how things are (in terms of configuration), while "wrong" is the opposite.

We try to follow the "right" path because in the end we reason that doing "right" things will lead to what is ultimately the most desirable "end" configuration of mass (or rearrangement of energy on our behalf). Rather than have to think about this constantly, we defer to communities and institutions (such as marriage) to abstract for us the "right" way of doing things to ultimately provide us and our tribe the most "happiness", where happiness is the brain's favorable electrochemical response to a positive relationship to those (things and people) around us.

So what does this mean? You violated the abstraction we know as marriage- you violated an institution that is supposed to give your husband the knowledge that you are doing "right" by him. You owe it to him to make him aware of this violation. You PROMISED him. He PROMISED you. Hes kept his promise- you havent. 

You have courage to come back and face all of us, you have courage to be able to accept that you made a bad mistake, and now you need to have the courage to do "right" by the most important person in your life- your HUSBAND.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I know telling him is the right thing to do as you put the honorable way. If I tell him I risk losing him.


What a selfish post. At least you're being honest about your selfishness.

You don't care what you have done to your marriage, or to him, as long as YOU don't lose anything...

You are selfish now, and will continue to be until you fess up to your husband and finally allow HIM to make an INFORMED decision about HIS life.

You are selfishly manipulating him now, and will continue to do so until you are honest with him.



Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I did cross the line before the act actually took place. I said I before everything could have been prevented. The difference is everything before the act could have been forgiven.


OK, another selfish post.

Do you really give a damn about your HUSBAND at all?

You cheat, and your response it to worry about YOU losing HIM.

You cheat, and your concern isnt' about the damage you have done, but if HE will forgive YOU.



Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I know my husband would be angry rightfully so but he forgive me. My husband was going to come with me to the party something came up last minute and he had to go out of town on business. My husband told me I could go by myself if I wanted to.



OK, so now you blame shift too? Who cares if your husband gave you the green light. HE didn't know what was ALREADY going ON now DID HE?

You were already LYING to him when he gave you a green light to go. SO you mislead him into making an UNinformed decision.

This all comes back to YOU lady.

To be honest, the selfishness of your posts makes me think he would be better off with someone else.

No remorse here that I can read.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> The guy
> We are no longer friends. Last time I saw him was the night happened.
> 
> Bryanp
> ...


Understand you did this because you wanted to. You have to find out why.


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

Workindad
I not in love and I don’t love my friend

I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "You need to think carefully before confessing."
> 
> Longwalk,
> 
> ...


I didn't say that she should not come clean. However, she ought to be prepared to meet the consequences. Should she just blurt out the truth? Should she have a divorce agreement ready to offer him a split?

Should she propose divorce, according him financial advantage. For example, should renounce all right their joint property?

Should she be prepared to leave the marital home and only return as he sees fit?

Should she offer to confess on Facebook to all close friends and relatives.

Should she prepared detailed description of all sexual acts and how they felt?

Should she have a detailed written timeline ready?

Should she be silent anout this transgression and on her own try to improve herself until she is prepared?

Should she agree to relinguish custody of her children without contest in court?

Should she book MC and confess there?

Should she engage in hysterical bonding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

jim123 said:


> Understand you did this because you wanted to. You have to find out why.


That just leads to blame-shifting and rationalizing excuses.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> If I tell him I risk losing him.


Not everything is not about you and what you want. 

Respect him to make his own decision. If you cannot, there is your reason you cheated in the first place.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Workindad
> I not in love and I don’t love my friend
> 
> I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have



yes... you are right. The pure unviolated relationship is no longer possible.... anyway.... but it can be rebuild with honest and love.

... if you decide to keep it to yourself it will eat you little by little, and at some point you will just hide it in the back of your memories but one day it will haunt you back when you wont expect it..... 
also..... you already know the risk you are running, and the moment he finds out in a diffrent way (because he will find out... soon or even after 20 years but he will find out) then your shame and regret will be worst then you ever tought.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you were conscious enough to use a condom(hopefully you are not lying as most cheaters do..), you well knew what you were about to do. 

What were you thinking ?

When you were making out with him ?

When you went to the room ?

When you were undressing ?

Did your family not come into your mind while going through the act even once ?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> That just leads to blame-shifting and rationalizing excuses.


If a WS can not figure out why, it can not be fixed. If the WS blame shifts or rationalizes, true R can not happen.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I would tell him with a marriage counselor present..

There is no real easy answer or magic potion that can fix this.. 

Your going to catch your lumps and be called every name in the book. Hopefully he will be a strong man that won't cut you loose. 

Be the door mat you need to be right now and just let him know you will fight for his love and look to fix this anyway you can.. 

If you want I can send you the post card my Ex gave me when I caught her cheating the first time. Granted we are divorce now because she cheated another 3 times after that first time. But nonetheless the words were nice even if they meant nothing.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

jim123 said:


> If a WS can not figure out why, it can not be fixed. If the WS blame shifts or rationalizes, true R can not happen.


Figuring out why does not fix anything. Owning the behavior without excuses is the only way to fix the problem.

Figuring out why just takes cheaters away from taking ownership.

She did it, she new she was going to do it, she knew she was doing it. Those are choices she made.

Exploring the motivations beyond that just makes her take less ownership rather than more.

I have witnessed that far too many times. People trying to understand their motives and they end up exonerating themselves in the process.

It's not going to fix anything.

This poster is already way too far into herself. Asking her to examine her motives just fosters more blame-shifting.

She needs to start _owning_ her behavior, not wasting time and energy rationalizing it.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Figuring out why does not fix anything. Owning the behavior without excuses is the only way to fix the problem.
> 
> Figuring out why just takes cheaters away from taking ownership.
> 
> ...


OP you need to understand why you did this. It started way before the ONS. Started before even you friendship. 

The why is the behavior not the justifications. There is something inside of you. See an IC to help you out.

This never just happens. You wanted this.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

OP, you need to tell your husband because it's the moral thing to do. Lying directly or by omission about an affair is *controlling*. 

Because he is being mislead to believe that he is with a faithful spouse - he is investing time, money, resources, energy and affection into you and your marriage that is currently strung together by lies.

You need to empower your husband with knowledge. Many spouses stay together after an affair and rebuild their marriages. However to do so they need to be able to make a choice. To make a choice you need to have capacity by way of informed consent. If he doesn't have that, you're controlling his choice of whether or not he should be married to you. That is not your decision to make. 

An affair never goes down well whether EA/PA or ONS. But one thing I do know for sure is it's much worse to find out third-hand about an affair or by discovering it yourself than it is to get a confession. The sooner you do it, is also the better.

The humiliation is worse for the BS the longer the affair goes unrevealed as all of the things they put into the marriage while not knowing they were being cheated and lied to become meaningless or based on lies.

I do hope you come and post again.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Workindad
> I not in love and I don’t love my friend
> 
> I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have


I believe there are two types of people:

- the type that can do something like this, then compartmentalise it and feel no guilt in doing so.

- the type that thinks they can do this, but it will eat them up from the inside. Slowly but surely haunt their dreams then their every waking moment. This can take years.

You might be the former, but you cannot know it for years.

Take this forward 5 years. Maybe 10. Your secret is eating you up from inside. You thought you could handle it, that you were really keeping the secret for the good of your family. You are taking the pain of your secret to keep your sweet, wonderful, husband happy. In blissful ignorance. But it's eating you up because you know it's wrong and you will, slowly but surely, express this by taking it out on somebody. Maybe your husband, maybe your children; maybe yourself.

Maybe that's you. Maybe you are the person that can look back in 10 years and think it was just a "thing" and your husband didn't need to know. Maybe you did it again. After all if it wasn't a problem that time, why would it be the next?

Perhaps the question should be - which person do you want to be? I don't mean, which would you *like* yourself to be. I mean, which would you *want* to be?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Why are you here? No really why many of the people here deal with the pain of infidelity an a daily basis but yet your asking whether to tell your husband the truth or carry it to your grave. I'm sorry for your situation but your husband deserves the truth wouldn't you want the same thing if he cheated on you or are you the kind of person who rather live in blissful ignorance. 


I hate to tell you this but the truth will come out eventually either by the other man or one of the other mans friends who i'm shore know because that's what college boys do they talk about the women they nailed and I can speak from personal experience word travel fast of a hook up on college campus if you don't tell him yourself someone else will. you have a chances to tell what really happen if you don't you defer that to somebody ells who my paint different picture of you and your action.


*It's time to cowgirl up and own your action*


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Has anyone even asked her if she's going BACK to SCHOOL?

I mean.. he has to see this guy again. The likelihood that she's going to keep this quiet is ZERO.

Tell him now. It will hurt, but it will hurt 1000 x worse if your husband finds out from someone else.

Don't be so arrogant to think that you can keep this quiet. I don't care what OM promised you, you cannot put your marriage at risk on he promises of some sleazebag OM who clearly had NO concern for your marriage to begin with.

What the HECK makes you think OM will show enough respect for your marriage to keep his mouth shut when he couldn't respect your marriage enough to keep his pants zipped up?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Workindad
> I not in love and I don’t love my friend
> 
> I feel the love we shared (my husband and I) will never be the same. It doesn't matter if I decided to tell him or not the love we had won’t be the same. So my username is a reflection of *how I felt towards my husband and relationship we have*


What exactly did you feel towards your husband?

That he was neglecting you? He wasn't capable of having your needs met? That as a provider and a loving husband he was in your hands to discard as seen fit? That he was gonna cheat on you anyway?

What?

And by the way, do you feel comfortable replying us? Does it help?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> Has anyone even asked her if she's going BACK to SCHOOL?
> 
> I mean.. he has to see this guy again. The likelihood that she's going to keep this quiet is ZERO.
> 
> ...




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Exactly do you honestly think word about this has not gone around lol he's a college boy who bang a marred woman yeah he going to tell his boys and i'm sure he will say you came onto him and how you did everything in the sack this is what college boys do they do talk s#$t *do you want this getting to your husband *


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to tell your husband and get in front of this. Just from what you've told ud he's most likely going to find out sooner or later. And the longer you wait, especially if he doesn't learn about what happened from you, the worse it will be for both of you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Does this guy have a girlfriend? If so, the chances of her finding out what happened increase by a ton. 

If he doesn't have a girlfriend now, he will someday right? When he does he may spill the beans to her if she asks about his former sex life. 

He may 'find religion' and confess.
The chances of others finding out are quite high. So even if you're the type that Chris 989 described as the compartmentalizer, your chances of discovery are high. 

And unless you're mentally ill, your own behavior around your husband will change in perceptible ways - count on it. Is your husband so clueless he won't notice these changes? 

Of course, the honorable reason to tell him have been articulately stated by others on this thread. The only reason I would advise hesitation is ONLY if he is prone to violence. 

Is he? Is your husband hot-tempered? If so, then you should be sure your kids are visiting relatives when you disclose the truth. You should arrange for the kids to be away for some time while your husband goes through the initial issue.

Be prepared to tell him the entire truth without hesitation. You should look up therapists in your community or in the college you're attending - or see if your church (if you belong to one) has marital counseling available.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My ex husband was a total Sh!tbag, cheated on me for years and I never even suspected. 

To this day, the thing that angers me the most is he made my life decisions for me. YEARS of MY life taken from me still creates post traumatic stress for me. I can never forgive him for robbing me of the life I could have had if I had known years sooner.

Now, I have never cheated on anyone, ever..... But if I did, I don't know if I would have the courage to come clean. Especially if it were one time. I would be terrified. 

The thing is, there is always a reason to cheat. It could be a shallow reason or very very deep. 

After coming here for a while now, I see so many people like me, who were robbed of any choices. Our health being put at risk.....

Cheating on someone really hurts and if you decide not to tell your husband, please work on the core reason you cheated. If you do tell your husband, have your feelings sorted out so you can be prepared for his response. 

Don't cheat, it's bad. No one comes out a winner.


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

Verpin zal
I always loved my husband since the first day I meet him. My husband can be kind of a workaholic and yeah at times I have felt a little neglected but he always found a way to make up for it. He (my husband) has always been capable of meeting my need both emotionally and physically. If anything sometimes I wonder if I always meet his physically needs. My husband has an amazing job providing for me and the kids. Overall my husband has been an amazing father and husband I really couldn’t ask for any one better 

Honestly I really don’t feel that comfortable posting isn’t something someone said. I have never been a very open person hubby’s always been the person I went if I need to talk. I wasn’t planning on continuing posting it was just supposed to be one post but it does help reading every ones replies. 

warlock07
We did use a condom. My friend had condom in his wallet. I don’t know what I was thinking I don’t understand it myself. We didn’t make out we shared a kiss or two but it wasn’t some crazy, hot and passionate sex session honesty it wasn’t that good. I guess at the time my state of mind was to finish as fast as possible and get out.

I didn’t think about my husband or my kids till after it was done. I never wanted to hurt either one of them I know that exactly what I have done.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Verpin zal
> I always loved my husband since the first day I meet him. My husband can be kind of a workaholic and yeah at times I have felt a little neglected but he always found a way to make up for it. He (my husband) has always been capable of meeting my need both emotionally and physically. If anything sometimes I wonder if I always meet his physically needs. My husband has an amazing job providing for me and the kids. Overall my husband has been an amazing father and husband I really couldn’t ask for any one better
> 
> Honestly I really don’t feel that comfortable posting isn’t something someone said. I have never been a very open person hubby’s always been the person I went if I need to talk. I wasn’t planning on continuing posting it was just supposed to be one post but it does help reading every ones replies.
> ...


So.....you have just displayed every reason on this planet to NOT cheat on your obviously very good husband.

Yet, you did anyway.

Damn, girl......

WHY??

:scratchhead:


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

.Quote/

I'm done in this thread. (I shall resist.)

Good luck folks, I wouldn't waste my breath much.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I feel like we are wasting our time here the op clearly doesn't want to tell her husband the truth so i'm bugging out... good luck in your marriage/future divorce.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Good Lord, she's still referring to this sleazebag OM as "[her] friend"!!!???

This woman has a looooooooooooooong way to go.

I have yet to see any maturity in any of her posts. It's all just selfishness masked as remorse. Everything she says reeks of selfishness still. I have yet to read one single post from her that indicates true remorse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course she's not mature, geez, she's 25 and got pregnant at 17. The divorce rate for marriages with people under 25 is huge, even more so for teen parents. That's why people shouldn't be knocking out kids or getting married in their teens, they haven't lived at all! I bet if her husband was honest he'd admit that he's wondered what else is out there too, it's the nature of getting tied down when you're very young; the difference is that he (we assume) has not acted on these temptations. I don't think OP is evil or the horrible human some have made her out to be, she is a young person that made a very poor decision.

Having said that, OP, you really do need to fess up. Your hubby deserves to make his own decisions based on truth, and if he finds out years down the road he'll question your entire marriage. Tell him NOW, and if he wants to work it out it'll be with his eyes open. And tell him everything at once; he deserves at least that much respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> (Edited)
> Honestly I really don’t feel that comfortable posting isn’t something someone said. I have never been a very open person *hubby’s always been the person I went if I need to talk.* I wasn’t planning on continuing posting it was just supposed to be one post but it does help reading every ones replies.


And so you shall. Maybe not Tomorrow, or next month, but eventually, he'll hear it from SOMEONE ELSE.

When this chicken finally comes home to roost, you'll realize why YOU should have told him yourself, yesterday. The more time that passes before he finds out, the bigger your betrayal.

Every day you wait will only make it worse, For your husband AND for you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Honestly I really don’t feel that comfortable posting isn’t something someone said....*I wasn’t planning on continuing posting it was just supposed to be one post* but it does help reading every ones replies.


And this is exactly the kind of reasoning that I suspected and why I would encourage you to post here.

You came to an infidelity board where most are betrayed spouses that have been in the shoes of your husband so you can vent about your affair, get it off of your chest leave and feel better. Then go back to your secret-filled life, knowing you've told _someone _(but not the one person who actually deserves to know).

That's not the most mature thing to do. That's not exactly a selfless thing to do. That's not how you learn or grow. That's just dumping your baggage onto others so you can feel better. It's kind of using people and that's not nice. It's that kind of selfish reasoning that made it okay for you in the moment to sleep with your friend and forget about your husband and kids at home who love you every single day.

If you actually do feel remorseful, I would highly encourage you to read the posts of _Mrs. John Addams_ and _E.I._ (and there are others, I did not intentionally leave out) to see what that's actually supposed to look like. They are former cheating spouses that have actually demonstrated what it's like to be selfless, remorseful and reformed. You could learn from them.

I realize it's uncomfortable for you but TAM is a great site. I also know I come across as harsh as do others who have replied but that's because we care about people - _even_ cheaters. However we don't enable them, coddle them or encourage them to lie, keep secrets or continue their affairs. If you care about your husband, I encourage you to keep posting here. 

You will not always like what you hear and you will get hit with the proverbial 2x4 but you may also learn something and redeem yourself in the eyes of yourself and eventually your husband.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I always loved my husband since the first day I meet him. My husband can be kind of a workaholic and yeah at times I have felt a little neglected but he always found a way to make up for it. He (my husband) has always been capable of meeting my need both emotionally and physically. If anything sometimes I wonder if I always meet his physically needs. My husband has an amazing job providing for me and the kids. Overall my husband has been an amazing father and husband I really couldn’t ask for any one better.



Mordecai: _What happens after?_
The Stranger: _Hmm?_
Mordecai: _What do we do when it's over?_
The Stranger: _Then you live with it._

High Plains Drifter (1973)



You may love your husband but you apparently don't love or respect him enough to not cheat on him. The excitement you were getting from you affair with your "study" friend was far more important to you than your marriage and family.... I know it's hard to admit but we both know it's true.

I don't know if you're trying to delude yourself or us but I could bet that your friendship with your "study" friend wasn't as innocent as you're trying to claim. You gave him your telephone number because you were attracted to him and you wanted to see where it would go. That was the beginning of an emotional part of your affair.

Sex with him wasn't any kind of a drunken mistake. It was a choice.... a bad but conscious choice you made. You wanted to do what you did. Of course now, you know that what you did was horrendous, but it wasn't a drunken mistake, it was what you chose to do.

Would your husband give you another chance if he knew that you cheated on him? Well, he's the only one who can really answer this question but you're still playing him for a fool.

But, how about you, Un Amor Perdido?

If you were him.... would you go through a few years of emotional anguish fighting to save a marriage that your wife gave away so easily? Would you want to be married to a woman who so willingly became just another notch on some punk's belt?


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

3putt said:


> So.....you have just displayed every reason on this planet to NOT cheat on your obviously very good husband.
> 
> Yet, you did anyway.
> 
> ...



Because she could and wanted. It's really that simple!


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Read the first few posts, and without reading anything else I predict she will never tell, she is just here looking for reasons and back up to validate her desire to NOT tell her betrayed husband. I got a $20 on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

adriana said:


> Because she could and wanted. It's really that simple!


Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I sort of understand the feeling you had, it was all about finding out what lay under the surface of this 'wonderful' friendship, if the sex would be as deep and fulfilling as you seemed to find the conversation, but in reality, it was crap. Curious what you'd be doing right now if the sex was awesome?

Now you've cut off the friendship but you haven't faced up to any of the consequences of your actions. You're dodging them. I can sort of understand that too. Is it the right thing to do? No, of course not. Problem is, are the consequences you are suffering enough to teach you the lesson you need to learn? If not, you are going to cause so much pain and suffering to your family one day, when you do the same thing over again and again.

It's obvious you aren't the sort of person who can have a male-female friendship without taking it too far. You were cheating on your DH every time you sent a text to OM, every time you hung out with him, because you were developing an EA which led to a PA. If your husband doesn't know of this, he won't watch out for it, it'll all be on you to control yourself, and you've shown you don't know how to. What happens when OM wants to talk? Suddenly it starts all over again, all completely 'innocent'.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I married at 28 years old and had sewed ALL my oats. My husband was 33 when we married and had NOT sewn all his.

I though the fact my husband was inexperienced was sweet at the time but now, looking back, I feel once he found out what he was missing, he went crazy sewing his oats late in life. 

OP is very young and is in a very adult life. I can't imagine being pregnant at 17 and missing all there is to experience at that young age.

I can see how this could easily happen. 

My mother was pregnant at 17 and stayed married to my father for many good years. They very much loved each other so I know it is possible but without love and a strong support system, very difficult. 

OP, being young and with one person is very difficult, decide for yourself what you want out of your life. 

Most people on this forum have been cheated on and it is terrible to find out a long time after the fact. 

I don't know if I would have forgiven my husband for a semi-planned one night stand but it would be more likely if he came clean, showed me true remorse, and did not go out without me to parties and bars without me. 

GOOD LUCK!


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

3Putt
I don’t know why I did it. I had a good marriage yeah we had our share of problems and we did fight but we always managed. 

Verpin zal and Xakulax
I already decided to tell my husband everything last night. I will wait till Wednesday or Thursday he’s has something going on at work and is under a lot of stress right now I don’t want to add to that.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> 3Putt
> I don’t know why I did it. I had a good marriage yeah we had our share of problems and we did fight but we always managed.
> 
> Verpin zal and Xakulax
> I already decided to tell my husband everything last night. I will wait till Wednesday or Thursday he’s has something going on at work and is under a lot of stress right now I don’t want to add to that.


Good luck. It will be intense, but you are doing the right thing. Thank you for doing that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Read this article before you confess.

http://personaldevelopmentcafe.com/should-i-or-should-i-not-8-things-to-consider-before-confessing-an-affair/

While I am NOT suggesting keeping it from him, nor do I condone what you did, many professionals would tell you that if this was truly a ONE TIME event which will never occur again, much more harm than good can be done by telling him.

Examine your reasons for confessing. If you are overwhelmed by guilt and just want to dump some of the burden of the guilt on your husband because you can't handle it, think again. Either way, confess or remain silent, this will change your marriage forever.

Do you have strong faith or are you religious? If so, go to confession or talk to your pastor first. Resolve this in your heart and mind, then make the decision whether or not to tell your husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I suggest already looking up an IC, an MC, a polygraph company, and a lawyer (for a post-nup agreement that you will offer to sign). Have it all ready when you tell him, and offer to do it all. And remember don't even THINK of telling him any of this is his fault.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why did you do it? Because you wanted to. Simple. 

You were sexually attracted to this "friend", attraction grew into lust, the opportunity presented itself and you and he went for it. 

It really is that simple. Trying to over analyze it is just being dishonest with yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I'll have my wife PM you later OP. I'm glad you decided to tell because it is seriously so much better for you (and him) if he finds out from you instead of on his own or from someone else.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Read this article before you confess.
> 
> Should I Or Should I Not?- 8 Things To Consider Before Confessing an Affair | Personal Development Cafe
> 
> ...



To bad. This is an issue she caused. Her husband is an adult who she made promises and vows to. She broke them. He has a right to know, and know right now.

I had to find out my x was cheating by looking at her phone. I doubt I could have forgiven her but it 100% was off the table because I caught her vs her telling me on her own.

To the OP do the right thing. You may think you can get away with this but you likely won't.....things often find a way to get worse


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> To the OP do the right thing. You may think you can get away with this but you likely won't.....things often find a way to get worse


I am in no way suggesting that she "try to get away with it." I'm simply saying, she has already destroyed the covenant. Unfortunately, her husband is the innocent in all this, and to destroy his life because of HER mistake is patently unfair. There is more than one person to consider here.

I had a friend in the exact same situation. One time, drunk night out with friends, one night stand. Big mistake. But she never cheated again. She chose to tell her husband. They divorced. He told everyone he knew that he would have rather never known. He was happy and she destroyed his happiness, first by cheating, second by dumping her guilt on him.

Either way, OP's decision was patently unfair to her husband. Either way, the husband loses.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> I am in no way suggesting that she "try to get away with it." I'm simply saying, she has already destroyed the covenant. Unfortunately, her husband is the innocent in all this, and to destroy his life because of HER mistake is patently unfair. There is more than one person to consider here.
> 
> I had a friend in the exact same situation. One time, drunk night out with friends, one night stand. Big mistake. But she never cheated again. She chose to tell her husband. They divorced. He told everyone he knew that he would have rather never known. He was happy and she destroyed his happiness, first by cheating, second by dumping her guilt on him.
> 
> Either way, OP's decision was patently unfair to her husband. Either way, the husband loses.


I understand where youre coming from; it will absolutely cost him a lot. But he has a RIGHT to know. This is about his health and its about being fully transparent with your spouse.

There is a balance in things. You dont "take" from the covenant and then choose not to "give" anything back because you wish to avoid pain (his or yours); you f*cked up, you own it.

If everyone followed that advice, stolen items would be returned, crime would at least be admitted, and you wouldnt have to always wonder if those around you are taking advantage of you. Honesty and self-imposed responsibility is the panacea for at least half of the worlds problems; it is the gray area of self-interest and compromised principle that messes everything up. Guilt dumping? No, telling the truth.

I support her decision. I agree the husband loses. This is just my opinion, and no disrespect is directed towards you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I understand where youre coming from; it will absolutely cost him a lot. But he has a RIGHT to know.... I support her decision. I agree the husband loses. This is just my opinion, and no disrespect is directed towards you.


No disrespect taken.  I actually AGREE with your position. Personally, I would have to tell my spouse as I would be unable to live with the lies. And you are correct, her husband has a right to know. It just sucks all the way around. Either way, poor husband loses.


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## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

You were as interested (if not more) in sleeping with this guy. It was obvious from your story.

Wow, if your husband hears from somebody else at another time, he won't be laughing. Even now, if you tell him, he won't find it funny. But you have to; the sooner the better.

He is entitled to anger and pain but I do hope he'll find grace to forgive you because you seem sorry for that act.

Even if he throws you out, it'll be better than leaving in self deceit and guilt for the rest of your life.

And, yes, do test for STD immediately if you have not done so. I hope you don't have...


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

Happy as a clam
I thought about keeping this from him. Part me does feel keeping this a secret is the best thing to do and I know the fallout could be something I am not ready to face. I know I will never do anything like this again and especially not on my husband. At the end of the day I really do love my husband and he deserves to know. I know deep down I wouldn’t be able keep this secret for the rest of my life. The guilt is already killing I can barely look at him and not want cry. Even if he never finds out I don’t see myself ever being truly happy knowing I what I did and keeping this from him. Its own been about a week since it happened and it’s already causing problems in our marriage. I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on it and knows something wrong between us. The lies would probably kill this marriage sooner or later. 

We aren’t that religious. 

Turnera 
I don’t know what the acronyms meaning so if could defined them that would be great. 

Why would I need a polygraph company I won’t lie to him if I tell him it’s going to be everything. As for the post-nup we really don’t have much but if he wanted me sign one I guess I would if he agreed to stay. I won’t blame him none of this is his fault. He’s been great husband never did anything to deserve what I did. 

Bandit.45
I was not and still not sexual attracted to my friend. He isn’t ugly but isn’t hot either. There was never no lust on my part I wasn’t day dreaming about or anything like that


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I am in no way suggesting that she "try to get away with it." I'm simply saying, she has already destroyed the covenant. Unfortunately, her husband is the innocent in all this, and to destroy his life because of HER mistake is patently unfair. There is more than one person to consider here.
> *
> I had a friend in the exact same situation. One time, drunk night out with friends, one night stand. Big mistake. But she never cheated again. She chose to tell her husband. They divorced. He told everyone he knew that he would have rather never known. He was happy and she destroyed his happiness, first by cheating, second by dumping her guilt on him.*
> 
> Either way, OP's decision was patently unfair to her husband. Either way, the husband loses.


And that's totally fine, if they had a previous arrangement where hey if you ever cheat on me just don't tell me then I have no issues with her not telling him.....but I doubt this is the case.

I get your point that you are trying to make. I know some people who would want to live in total bliss even though the relationship is a lie....and I am no one to judge them. That said I would think, and would seem supported by this thread, that the vast majority would want to be told the truth so they have the information to make a decision about moving forward. This relationship was forever changed the moment she screwed some other dude. No way to change that now. Only question is how to move forward. 

Of my 4 male friends who had cheating wives the only one who stayed together is the one where the wife confessed immediately. 

You can say what you will but cheating is a lot about trust broken. Maybe that can be repaired but if you are always wondering," if I didn't find out about this would I have ever been told?" really hinders the process. Which is why in my previous post I said that my marriage was over the moment I found out she cheated. If it had any chance to recover she needed to tell me but didn't. So my opinion is that she would have carried on that affair indefinitely so long as I didn't know about it. That, even more than the physical affair, is why I would have never ever been able to trust her again


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## Sol (Sep 24, 2013)

U_A_P, The polygraph is for him, as he won't be able to believe you. It may give him some measure of comfort that he is getting mostly the truth. The STD test results are partially for him , also.


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## Sol (Sep 24, 2013)

Isn't there a guide here somewhere for the Wayward on what the Betrayed may need to heal? Could someone in the know link it here? Sorry, I am being lazy. I briefly looked, but didn't find it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Happy as a clam
> I thought about keeping this from him. Part me does feel keeping this a secret is the best thing to do and I know the fallout could be something I am not ready to face. I know I will never do anything like this again and especially not on my husband. At the end of the day I really do love my husband and he deserves to know. I know deep down I wouldn’t be able keep this secret for the rest of my life. The guilt is already killing I can barely look at him and not want cry. Even if he never finds out I don’t see myself ever being truly happy knowing I what I did and keeping this from him. Its own been about a week since it happened and it’s already causing problems in our marriage.* I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on it and knows something wrong between us. The lies would probably kill this marriage sooner or later. *
> 
> We aren’t that religious.
> ...



Ohh I have no doubts. My x starting to act funny is what lead me to start snooping. Guilt was not something she has ever felt though so at least you know what you did was wrong. 

As far as how to tell him you know your husband best. Just be ready for some strange questions. When I confronted x I wanted to know who, how many times, position, where..... I had been lied to so long I wanted to know everything. Answer the questions....full disclosure now will help if this will ever be healed

You seem genuinely remorseful. So it's a chance


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Happy as a clam
> I thought about keeping this from him. Part me does feel keeping this a secret is the best thing to do and I know the fallout could be something I am not ready to face. I know I will never do anything like this again and especially not on my husband. At the end of the day I really do love my husband and he deserves to know. I know deep down I wouldn’t be able keep this secret for the rest of my life. The guilt is already killing I can barely look at him and not want cry. Even if he never finds out I don’t see myself ever being truly happy knowing I what I did and keeping this from him. Its own been about a week since it happened and it’s already causing problems in our marriage. I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on it and knows something wrong between us. The lies would probably kill this marriage sooner or later.
> 
> We aren’t that religious.
> ...


I am wondering why you keep calling him your "friend." Also, there had to be some kind of lust or you wouldnt have had sex with him 

I also note you seem to be responding to everyone but me, so I take it I might have offended you in some way or my advice is not that helpful to you. No worries  I support your decision to tell your husband and good luck to you both. Ill bow out of this thread now


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I already decided to tell my husband everything last night. I will wait till Wednesday or Thursday he’s has something going on at work and is under a lot of stress right now I don’t want to add to that.


Good for you, telling is the most honest thing to do and the first step to redemption for yourself and your husband. Good luck.



happy as a clam said:


> Read this article before you confess.
> 
> Should I Or Should I Not?- 8 Things To Consider Before Confessing an Affair | Personal Development Cafe
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but this is horrible advice in my opinion. Transferring the burden of guilt onto the husband is a cop out for cheaters to use to continue to lie. It's not suggested by MOST experts as you've stated and the ones that do advise this, usually are cheaters themselves or have never experienced any form of betrayal. 

Also, while there are principles of forgivenss in religion there is also repentance. To repent one must take responsibility, acknowledge and atone for what they've done. You can't just forgive yourself, keep the skeleton in the closet and let go and let god. That's just removing responsibility for your actions. 



happy as a clam said:


> I am in no way suggesting that she "try to get away with it." I'm simply saying, she has already destroyed the covenant. Unfortunately, her husband is the innocent in all this, and to destroy his life because of HER mistake is patently unfair. There is more than one person to consider here.
> 
> I had a friend in the exact same situation. One time, drunk night out with friends, one night stand. Big mistake. But she never cheated again. She chose to tell her husband. They divorced. He told everyone he knew that he would have rather never known. He was happy and she destroyed his happiness, first by cheating, second by dumping her guilt on him.
> 
> Either way, OP's decision was patently unfair to her husband. Either way, the husband loses.


Your friend threw her marriage away before the husband did. Many spouses forgive and move forward, some do not. However, you take that risk when you cheat. Keeping it a secret so you can stay married and reap the benefits thereof is selfish and it's cake-eating. OP's husband deserves to know the truth. If they heal their marriage it can be based on the truth and not the lie it is now. That's a sham.

You're right, either way the husband loses. But if he is informed and OP is remorseful and they work together to heal the marriage they can both come out winners - stronger, wiser and dare I say closer as a result - look at Mr. and Mrs. John Adams. However, by being kept in the dark about this, she's choosing for her husband to remain a loser.

If you've never felt the pain of betrayal, you shouldn't advise on what's best for her husband. On every thread I've read here about whether it's better to know even though it hurts or not know, us betrayed spouses almost always say we'd rather know, regardless of the outcome and the hurt it has caused us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Turnera
> I don’t know what the acronyms meaning so if could defined them that would be great.
> 
> Why would I need a polygraph company I won’t lie to him if I tell him it’s going to be everything. As for the post-nup we really don’t have much but if he wanted me sign one I guess I would if he agreed to stay. I won’t blame him none of this is his fault. He’s been great husband never did anything to deserve what I did.


IC = a counselor just for you to find out how you could do this to your husband

MC = a marriage counselor to help work through the pain your husband's about to have heaped on him

A polygraph would help your husband see that you really ARE telling the truth that you won't do it again, that you didn't like it, that you aren't withholding anything. It also will show him that you are dead serious at doing ANYTHING IT TAKES - even enduring the humiliation of a polygraph - to regain his trust. It's a gesture, just like the post-nup that says I can't believe I did this but I give you my word that if I ever do it again, I'll leave in shame and never ask for a thing. He will NEED those types of reassurances from you.

You also may want to refer him here so he can get help.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm sorry but this is horrible advice in my opinion...


Miss Taken, *if you had bothered to read my other two posts* following the one you quoted, you would see that I was IN NO WAY suggesting she keep the secret from her spouse. Just giving her food for thought...

And you should re-check the statistics on professionals' opinions on infidelity. I stand by my original statement. You state, "On every thread I've read *here*, us betrayed spouses almost always say we'd rather know"... okay, but this is but ONE site where the majority of opinions seem to be slanted in one direction. How about all the other sites, forums, articles, support groups who recommend the exact opposite?



> If you've never felt the pain of betrayal, you shouldn't advise on what's best for her husband...


Finally, you know nothing about me. FWIW, I HAVE experienced betrayal so I feel very qualified to speak to the issue.

I just love when members start attacking other members. Time for me to bow out of this one.

Have a nice day


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

Wolf1974
I have acted differently in the last week. I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on them.

I don’t really know how to tell him. My plan right now is to take the kids to my parents or in-laws before my husband comes home. I don’t think having the kids home would be a good idea since I don’t know how he would react so to be on the safe side its best if its own us two.

I plan to answer any question he may have truly I won’t lie to him anymore 

OptimisticPessimist 
The own reason why I keep referring him as my friend is I don’t really know what else to call him. I personally don’t consider him a friend anymore. 

I have offended me anyway. I haven’t ignored your post I have read everyone and they have been very help. I just don’t know how to answer them yet. I have own the answered the post that I thought where the easiest to answer. 


Turnera 
Thank for breaking it down for me. I will look into Ic for myself as well as Mc if my husband agrees. Same goes for polygraph and post nup if it helps him in any way I will be more them happy to do it


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Read this article before you confess.
> 
> Should I Or Should I Not?- 8 Things To Consider Before Confessing an Affair | Personal Development Cafe
> 
> ...



happy as a clam: NO NO NO. If I was her husband and found out by someone ells there would be zero chance of the marriage surviving; owning it and telling the truth will go a long way hiding it could amplify it by tenfold.


The truth does hurt but it's also best sign of true remorse keep that in mind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Read this article before you confess.
> 
> Should I Or Should I Not?- 8 Things To Consider Before Confessing an Affair | Personal Development Cafe
> 
> ...


Worst advice ever! Extremely selfish and self centered advice! A BS deserves to know what took place with their marriage.

Maybe your SO can go cheat on you. It won't hurt anything as long as he doesn't tell you and you don't find out, right?

She is still probably going to school with POS. I guess as long as he keeps his mouth shut, unlike his zipper, everything is just peachy!

Talk about manipulation. Maybe you can let your man know if either of you cheat, it is OK as long as it's a secret. If you talk it, you better walk it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Miss Taken, *if you had bothered to read my other two posts* following the one you quoted, you would see that I was IN NO WAY suggesting she keep the secret from her spouse. Just giving her food for thought...
> 
> And you should re-check the statistics on professionals' opinions on infidelity. I stand by my original statement. You state, "On every thread I've read *here*, us betrayed spouses almost always say we'd rather know"... okay, but this is but ONE site where the majority of opinions seem to be slanted in one direction. How about all the other sites, forums, articles, support groups who recommend the exact opposite?
> 
> ...


You shouldn't give advice you aren't willing to follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

UN Amor, your plan is good. The kids being away is good. It will let your husband express himself freely.

I know you are scared, but let your love for your husband lead you. Your choice to cheat, was hating your husband and kids. Your choice to feel sickness and regret and tell your husband, is loving your family.

I hope the best for your family. No matter what, always choose to love your husband and children with your actions from now on. Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I am wondering why you keep calling him your "friend." Also, there had to be some kind of lust or you wouldnt have had sex with him



Exactly! The OP is either intentionally minimizing what happened or simply failing to recognize that it was an affair.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Wolf1974
> I have acted differently in the last week. I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on them.
> 
> I don’t really know how to tell him. My plan right now is to take the kids to my parents or in-laws before my husband comes home. I don’t think having the kids home would be a good idea since I don’t know how he would react so to be on the safe side its best if its own us two.
> ...


In times like this, I err on the side of caution, so I figured I should prolly just listen. All of us here want you to hold yourself accountable- once you do (and you are on that path now), we respect the courage it takes. Were here to help and listen for your marriage.

It will be tough, but youre doing the right thing. All we can do at this point is be here when everything else is on fire (and it will be for awhile).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Wolf1974
> I have acted differently in the last week. I’m pretty sure my husband has picked up on them.
> 
> I don’t really know how to tell him. My plan right now is to take the kids to my parents or in-laws before my husband comes home. I don’t think having the kids home would be a good idea since I don’t know how he would react so to be on the safe side its best if its own us two.
> ...


I think this is the best you can do


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

turnera said:


> A polygraph would help your husband see that you really ARE telling the truth, that you won't do it again, that you didn't like it, that you aren't withholding anything.


Turnera, no offence but polygraph test won't answer any of the questions you mentioned. Most examiners wouldn't even allow them to be asked.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

adriana said:


> Exactly! The OP is either intentionally minimizing what happened or simply failing to recognize that it was an affair.


This is what I fear. Im glad someone else agrees because otherwise she might not listen. She said:


> The own reason why I keep referring him as my friend is I don’t really know what else to call him.


So heres what I think: Other man (OM). Guy I had sex with who wasnt my husband while I was married. The man I shouldnt have ever even considered touching. The man I cheated with. The horrible mistake. The man I said I had no lust for yet sat there and waited for him to rubber up his penis before I let him have sex with me.

It doesnt really matter exactly what you call him Un_Amor- hes the same in all these stories really- what matters is that you dont walk around the truth by the name you use, and that you OWN in every single possible dimension what you have done wrong.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have heard a great deal of advice here and you are right you are not sure how your husband is going to react at first. 

It may be go right into anger or it may go into a deep sense of loss. After it is all out he will follow a pretty standard process.

He is going to be asking you the same questions over and over again. This is due to him not believing that there is more you are not telling him.

He may want details into who kissed who first and did you do this or that with him.

Even if your husband says he wants to R with you, It will be a long time before there is trust again.

You will need get into MC with him when he is ready but you start going next week. 

Get checked for STD's and give him the results in writing.

Whatever you do tell the truth and do not hold back. Your excuse is I do not want to hurt him more but the real reason is I do not want to look anymore of tramp then I do now.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido, in the future simply refer to your affair/adultery partner as just that, or AP for short.

Here's a list of abbreviations and acronyms you might find useful.



lordmayhem said:


> List of Acronyms of Infidelity so the newbies can follow the infidelity lingo here.
> 
> WW = Wayward Wife
> WH = Wayward Husband
> ...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Read this article before you confess.
> 
> Should I Or Should I Not?- 8 Things To Consider Before Confessing an Affair | Personal Development Cafe
> 
> ...


I would love to hear what those "experts" think about their kids taking the same attitude. Where do you draw the line. What if you killed someone but KNEW you'd NEVER kill anyone else again. (I know extreme but it drives home the point).

I'm 42 and I missed the memo of when pragmatism eclipsed integrity in our society. When exactly did that happen?

PS that isn't a shot at you Happy, I see what you're trying to do by offering up alternative thought processes, even ones you yourself don't agree with.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

so glad i am not your husband


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

adriana said:


> exactly! The op is either intentionally minimizing what happened or simply failing to recognize that it was an affair.


this


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Dad&Hubby said:


> ...I'm 42 and I missed the memo of when pragmatism eclipsed integrity in our society. When exactly did that happen?...


:toast:


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Happy, I'm sorry you felt attacked. It was not my intention. 

FWIW, I did read your other posts. In their entireity, twice over.

However, although I read that you said you were "IN NO WAY suggesting" that she shouldn't tell her husband, I feel like the bulk of your posts _could be interpreted _as such. Given that I was not the only one who responded in dissent to those posts, I hope you can see that, they can be taken the wrong way by some people even though it's not what you intended. 

You shared an article which makes a "strong" case for not telling and discussing transferring the burden onto one's spouse for their affair. You also said:



> Examine your reasons for confessing. If you are overwhelmed by guilt and just want to dump some of the burden of the guilt on your husband because you can't handle it, think again. Either way, confess or remain silent, this will change your marriage forever.


While people do confess in order to release their guilt, and I agree that this is selfish, I don't think (and am not accusing you of implying) that this is a good argument of not to tell. In my opinion, it is better to be honest no matter what the intent for confessing is. The person being duped has a right to know they're being duped. I'm usually not a black and white thinker but I just can't see the grey in that. As a betrayed, I feel that it is ALWAYS better to know than to live a lie and be in a sham of a marriage. 

I'm sorry but I still don't see the benefit of saying this:


> many professionals would tell you that if this was truly a ONE TIME event which will never occur again, much more harm than good can be done by telling him.


and my disagreement with that statement is also not a personal attack on you. As someone who believes in being honest, I just think it's dangerous to say something like that to someone who came here and admitted they were afraid of being honest.

In a subsequent post, you then told a story about your one-time cheating friend in which you sounded very sympathetic to her plight of getting divorced after her confession. 

To me, those posts could be interpreted by someone who is on the fence of whether or not they should come clean, as a justification for not confessing. 

Also, when I said, 



Miss Taken said:


> If you've never felt the pain of betrayal, you shouldn't advise on what's best for her husband.


That wasn't directed to YOU, that was a continuation of what I said here:



Miss Taken said:


> It's not suggested by MOST experts as you've stated and the ones that do advise this, usually are cheaters themselves or have never experienced any form of betrayal.


I know better than to make assumptions and was not discussing your situation. Had I been discussing your personal experiences, I would have asked you directly if you had ever experienced betrayal in your own life.

I admire your conviction but I also stand by my above statement. While this may be just one site, this is by far the best site in my absolutely biased opinion for addressing infidelity in the real world. I've visited the other boards and this is the one I believe in the most when it comes to what works and for holding not only wayward spouses but betrayed spouses accountable. Again, in my biased opinion. 

Infidelity statistics are also not reliable as the nature of infidelity is very insidious. I take just about everything infidelity related with a heaping grain of salt. I also would take real-life experience and personal accounts about what works and what's right vs. theories and statistics any day of the week.

Respectfully,

Miss T


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am wondering if you are willing to acknowledge that this was not a one night stand? It may have been from a sex point of view but you have been in an EA for sometime. 

The sex was the next step. I am glad you want to come clean and I am a big fan of R but you really need to know that 20 minutes with the OM between your legs will take years of hard work to rebuild a new marriage with your husband.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> Bandit.45
> I was not and still not sexual attracted to my friend. He isn’t ugly but isn’t hot either. There was never no lust on my part I wasn’t day dreaming about or anything like that


It was lust, but lust has numerous different objects of desire, you may not have ever defined lust that way.

It held some promise you desired and you chose to opt for it.

It is a choice no doubt, really many choices.

You hand control and decision making over to the lust part of the brain and drag your better judgment along for the ride against all of its objections and in the end you feel like you were an unwilling passenger.

No! You were never suppose to get on that train.

Lust is lust, lust is not thought, it is not deliberative or purposeful, it takes no thought for vows or commitments.

Lust feels like a desire, a desire for...connection, validation, sexual release, identification, acceptance and understanding, control and empowerment, conquest/ownership, fun, pleasure.

The implication that "I don't understand what I was thinking" is well explained below I think.


They are "bat meets ball" with the truth.




adriana said:


> You may love your husband but you apparently don't love or respect him enough to not cheat on him. The excitement you were getting from you affair with your "study" friend was far more important to you than your marriage and family.... I know it's hard to admit but we both know it's true.
> 
> I don't know if you're trying to delude yourself or us but I could bet that your friendship with your "study" friend wasn't as innocent as you're trying to claim. You gave him your telephone number because you were attracted to him and you wanted to see where it would go. That was the beginning of an emotional part of your affair.
> 
> ...






breeze said:


> I sort of understand the feeling you had,* it was all about finding out what lay under the surface of this 'wonderful' friendship, if the sex would be as deep and fulfilling as you seemed to find the conversation, *but in reality, it was crap. Curious what you'd be doing right now if the sex was awesome?
> 
> Now you've cut off the friendship but you haven't faced up to any of the consequences of your actions. You're dodging them. I can sort of understand that too. Is it the right thing to do? No, of course not. Problem is, are the consequences you are suffering enough to teach you the lesson you need to learn? If not, you are going to cause so much pain and suffering to your family one day, when you do the same thing over again and again.
> 
> It's obvious you aren't the sort of person who can have a male-female friendship without taking it too far. You were cheating on your DH every time you sent a text to OM, every time you hung out with him, because you were developing an EA which led to a PA. If your husband doesn't know of this, he won't watch out for it, it'll all be on you to control yourself, and you've shown you don't know how to. What happens when OM wants to talk? Suddenly it starts all over again, all completely 'innocent'.


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

You guys are right in that I did have an Ea with my Ap. I never had any knowledge what an Ea was let alone that I was having one. I don’t think it was a full blown Ea we never shared any “I love you” or “I need you” or anything like that. We did share some flirty texts and emails. It was never anything crazy or sexual I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time. I flirted with other male friends in the past and nothing ever happened. 


adriana and mahike
I didn’t consider what I did as an affair. After reading up on what Ea actually is I am willing to admit it was an affair I still don’t feel like it was a full blown affair but it doesn’t really matter what I think it was or anyone else here. If my husband feels like it was an affair then that’s what I had. 

3putt 
Thanks for the list


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sure I sounded harsh but while you have guilt it is nothing compared to the pain that your husband is going to feel.

Do not back down. You need to tell him and see if you can build a new marriage and affair proof it for the future.

Tell us how it goes and how he reacts. Everyone here will try and help you understand what he is going through. Bring him to this site let him post and try and get some support and encouragement.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> 3Putt
> I don’t know why I did it. I had a good marriage yeah we had our share of problems and we did fight but we always managed.
> 
> Verpin zal and Xakulax
> I already decided to tell my husband everything last night. I will wait till Wednesday or Thursday he’s has something going on at work and is under a lot of stress right now I don’t want to add to that.


Do tell.

[pun in_d_en_t_ed.]


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> adriana and mahike
> I didn’t consider what I did as an affair. After reading up on what Ea actually is I am willing to admit it was an affair I still don’t feel like it was a full blown affair but it doesn’t really matter what I think it was or anyone else here. If my husband feels like it was an affair then that’s what I had.
> 
> 3putt
> Thanks for the list


I don't think the semantics matter as much as the fact that it sounds like you've been crossing lines in your marriage before sleeping with the AP.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm on the fence about telling. 

You destroyed his world he just doesnt know it yet.

Not sure what the right thing is. You suffering with this or you making him suffer. Either way bad situation.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The only chance you have at a real marriage going forward (instead of an illusion based on a lie) is to tell.

OP, you said this:

_We did share some flirty texts and emails. It was never anything crazy or sexual I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time. I flirted with other male friends in the past and nothing ever happened. _

Wrong on both counts. Flirting *is* sexual, and your pattern of flirting with male friends did make something happen--it opened the door to the next step with this guy.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I never bought into the "it's selfish to unload your guilt" argument -- good marriages are built on closeness, honesty, and trust. Guilt is a barrier to those things. Yes, it can hurt your spouse in the short term to tell the truth, but what's the long term damage caused by the distance created by keeping a secret like that?

FWIW, while this was an affair, I do understand that it's "easier" to fall into an EA without realizing it than a PA. With a PA there's a clear line that you have to cross -- physical/sexual contact. Even if it's just a kiss, you can clearly identify the moment when it becomes a PA. An EA is murky -- it's very easy to think "we're just friends" "we like talking to each other" etc. For me it was only after I had one that I realized how dangerous they are and why boundaries are so important.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

To the poster. You are at risk of more emotional affairs until you fess up and eventually those do lead to more than just emotional. There is something you sought out and maybe you don't realize it now, you are the seeker, the predator. You are looking for a sense of self worth through your ability to "connect" and obtain others. It's a game of self esteem. This may be your first, you may never do it again, who knows. However, what I do know is until you deal with your underlying issue and deal with the fact you have to be held accountable your risk of reoccurring events is high. I know you called him a "good friend". A good friend would not help you self destruct and lose your marriage. Also, I guarantee you told this "friend" what was wrong with your life/marriage and this "friend" used it to help be a "shining light" in your darkness and helped you prey on him. There are plenty of people out there willing to perpetuate that sort of situation. If you do not get really honest fast and help your husband by being truthful and help yourself by owning up, you will seek this type of "friend" again at the first sign of any issue that comes up in your life. Hope your husband can recover from this and I hope you realize there is something off for you. Edit: one more thing....I judge it like this, if you are taking to a good friend such as this what you should be taking to your spouse, it's either already an EA or about to become one. I bet you didn't tell your spouse just how much you two were talking and about what. I he a clear line for myself. Do not do it if your spouse cannot watch, read, know, be a part of. Otherwise you are hiding something no matter how small.we have passwords to each other's everything, bank accounts open and viewable and we do not party. Partying is for the young and the single.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> So, you got played. Happens all the time. What matters now is whether you own up to what happened and show your husband the integrity you believe you have. It's the only honorable way out. Telling him the truth, that is. Without the truth, you have no marriage.


Ugh
Sorry. you know I like a lot of your posts. But gimme a break, she didn't get played. She had sex with this guy because she wanted to. A mother of 2 8 yr olds has to be mature enough to take responsibility for her behavior....complete responsibility. I bet you agree with me, actually.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Ugh
> Sorry. you know I like a lot of your posts. But gimme a break, she didn't get played. She had sex with this guy because she wanted to. A mother of 2 8 yr olds has to be mature enough to take responsibility for her behavior....complete responsibility. I bet you agree with me, actually.


Oh, she got played alright. Of course, she should have said no, but, she didn't.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, she got played alright. Of course, she should have said no, but, she didn't.


How do we know HE didn't get played? Then again, I think he also made his own choices.....


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ETA: Not needed, she confessed


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tonight was going to be the night you tell him, right? How did it go?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> Tonight was going to be the night you tell him, right? How did it go?


She did:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-can-someone-help-i-need-more-than-ever.html


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I'm still talking about yesterdays news, again.

Thanks Philat.


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