# what are normal OK emotional reactions to infidelity?



## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

What are normal reactions to infidelity and the emotional toll thereof?

My partner seems to think my reactions are out of proportion...

I often wake up feeling ****, go to bed feeling ****. Call him during the day while he's at work looking for reassurance. I ask him if he loves me. I ask him if there's anything going on behind my back and when he says no I ask if that's really the case.

I cry a lot.

Please post here what's normal because I think he thinks I emotionmally overrreact in a big way and I need him to see what reactions others have and how long after the fact.

Thank you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Nope not overreacting at all. Perfectly normal and reasonable.

If he doesn't get that perhaps he has no empathy and doesn't understand the hurt he has cause you.

In fact I would say it's normal to for instance, get everything he owns and advertise it as giveaway, and never let him in the house again. Or better yet somehow give him some sort of nasty looking skin disorder, But that's just me.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi your reactions are all normal.
The first few days after finding out about husbands affair was complete and utter shock.
Crying all day and night,
Could'nt sleep and needed sleeping pills.
Sick to the stomach.
Anger, sadness, hatred somedays as to how he could do this to me.

However it will fade but he had to prove to you how sorry he is and will do anything for you to put things right. This can take a very long time as we are all so different.

You will constantly need reassurrance for a long time too and he has to gain back the trust he has broken.

Keep a diary like i did and you will see that things do get easier depending on whether you wish the relationship/marriage to continue.
Hope this helps a little.
Oh and keep talking to one another and ask as many questions as you feel you need to as well.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

He wants to discount it obviously, which as I've mentioned before is a tell tale sign that he is not genuinely remorseful. That's obviously a bad sign but anyway... You have experienced serious emotional trauma... The symptoms that you mention are perfectly normal. 

Actually, you may not recognize them or may dismiss other symptoms as something other than what they are but... You can expect some other serious mental, emotional & physical signs to manifest themselves throughout the process of healing from this trauma.

It's important to deal with this, don't rush or discount the process of healing. It will determine exactly how much "scar tissue" you carry away from this... Your soul has been through a very serious car wreck... If your life partner is not willing to understand and help you through a situation he put you in... you might consider what that means...


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Anything and everything short of murder makes sense to me.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

What he wants right now is to be forgiven and move on. He wants you to stop nagging him and get over it. He wants you to just drop it so he doesn't have to feel worse. He wants you to buck up and act like nothing happened, especially in public places or group settings. Why would you act like something's wrong? Do you want everyone to know? Why can't you just get over it and start fresh?
You, on the other hand, can only think of this. You may be able to go through the motins of day to day life, but I'm betting that his affair and the hurt surrounding it are the only real things in your life right now. That's where I am, anyway. I'm able to use every third thought, sometimes less, for the task at hand, and all the rest are consumed by what has happened to my life.
Freak out. Throw a fit, or a string of them. Burn his clothes. Supeglue his **** to his leg while he sleeps. OK, maybe not that, but you gat the picture. However you choose to handle this is normal for you. You're questioning it because this is a situation you aren't accustomed to being in. Handle it however you need to. If it makes you feel better, and is within reason, do it. Anything to keep the bad feelings at bay.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I can make you list of what the "normal" or common (and not so common) effects & symptoms of post traumatic stress (as it relates to infidelity) and severe emotional trauma are if you want to see a list... If you want me to put something together let me know..


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Any feeling that you feel is normal for you.

I have been in your shoes and I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

You feel:
Confused
Deceived
Betrayed
Emotionally damaged

You are looking for reassurance, a sincere apology and attention.

But I feel that the bottom line is that you cannot fully TRUST him. Once that trust is broken, it is hard to get it back.

Good Luck


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I panicked. I screamed and cried. I couldn't eat. (I lost 20lbs in a month from not being able to eat) I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on anything. I lost my job bc of that. I would beg and make unreal promises if only he'd be with me. This was how I reated when he left me back in 2003 for OW. (we got back together) Now, he is cheating again. And I havent cried, screamed or panicked. And I sleep just fine. I think maybe this time I've had enough and I am not willing anymore to be his doormat to walk all over.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Now, he is cheating again. And I havent cried, screamed or panicked. And I sleep just fine. I think maybe this time I've had enough and I am not willing anymore to be his doormat to walk all over.


 Proud of you. I want to be in that place.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

That depends on where you live...

There are some places where a normal reactions involves dragging someone out by the hair and stoning them to death in the street. 

I would say anything shy of that is ok. 

What you need to learn, what most EVERYONE needs to learn, is to seperate emotions from reactions. What you feel does not have to manifest itself into action. 

There is a reactionary cycle that LS go through and it is something like this... He cheats, you want to save the marriage, you become needy and weak, he see's that as an unattractive quality, he stops trying, you get more deperate, he leaves. 

It sucks, but it happens all the time. That is why the bestthing you can do to save a marriage is get mentally strong and improve yourself. Once he is attracted to the new you, the ball is in your court and his power over you is gone. 

I was once that guy who was desperate and when i first heard that I had to "decide" to have self-esteem, i thought it was a joke.

I am here to tell you that it really is that easy. Just decide to, and do it. You deserve it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

you know one of the strangest symptoms I had...

"startle response". It was very odd and happened a few times... First time I was coming out of the bedroom and W suprised me... I jumped a bit but I happened to have my hand on the door... literally like a full second or two after I jumped my arm suddenly flung the door backwards and HARD... So hard that the doorknob smashed a hole in the drywall... 

Then the next time I was bathing my son and she came into the bathroom.. I didnt see her come in and when she said something it suprised me... again I sorta jumped a little... then all of a sudden my body literally and violently "jumped" backwards... I almost flung myself over the tiolet... It was very weird because neither time was I really "scared" or that startled but it was like an uncontious out-of-body experience... Both times my motor skills literally acted on there own...

I remember thinking both times... That was fu*cking strange!

I really didn't know WTF was going on and didnt really think that much about it... I didn't know until later when I stumbled on PTSD information that this reaction was "normal" and a result of my emotional trauma...


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> That depends on where you live...
> 
> There are some places where a normal reactions involves dragging someone out by the hair and stoning them to death in the street.
> 
> ...


I am very on and off on this. Last week I had two days were I felt good, I did things around the house, did not think about it more then a couple of times and pushed the thoughts out. Then the next day, BOOM depressed and slumping around. Most of the reason is because I am a stay at home dad and have a lot of time to dwel on things.


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## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

My reactions were:

crying out of the blue
random fits of anger
suddenly feeling like I couldn't breathe
checking his email obsessively
needing to know where he was and with who all the time
not eating, or sleeping, massive weight loss
lack of concentration

All of these things subsided over the course of 8 weeks, but I was in therapy the whole time. Some of these reactions still occur once in a while. My therapist told me in my last session that all of my reactions were completely typical, and that they seemed to be dying down at a normal rate. The longer I go with finding no evidence of continued cheating, the less panic I feel and the more able I am to rebuild trust. My therapist said that if in say 12 months I was still feeling the same level of reaction that I had on my first visit with her, she'd be concerned. But for now, she's thrilled with my progress. It makes me feel good, because sometimes right now when I bust out crying at my desk randomly, it makes me feel nuts. But I can take comfort in knowing that it's not, it's normal. Whatever that means...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Let's see for me it was massive crying, shaking, massive anger, ball in my stomach, physical pain, lack of sleep, my heart racing constantly, my nerves wracked, those were normal to me. They get better as you find your inner strength. Now, I am sleeping for the most part ok, the heart only races from time to time, the anger and sadness are from time to time...I think you are reacting perfectly normal Xena.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You could tell them that in Brazil and parts of Texas killing your cheating spouse is almost not against the law. 

But I've got to say, even as someone in a horrible marriage, that I for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone would want to or could continue to live under the same roof with someone who sought out the emotional and sexual comfort & attentions of someone else. The only way I could cope with a cheater is to absolutely cut them out of my life as if they were dead. No second chances, no appeals, no explanations, no excuses. Take your **** and go. Then DIAF.


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## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

Xena said:


> I think he thinks I emotionmally overrreact in a big way and I need him to see what reactions others have and how long after the fact.


... he's trying to make what he did YOUR problem. It's called deflecting. Of course you are emotionally reacting in a big way. Because something BIG happened to rip your emotions to shreds. What would be weird is if you didn't have an emotional reaction. My take is this, he can't stand to look inside himself and face up to what he did, and how badly it is impacting you. So, it's much easier for him to look at you and criticize you for how you are dealing with his mistakes. 

I think that you have a lot of work to do internally in order to deal with this (this is regardless of if you stay with him or not), but if you ARE staying in this relationship, he has a lot of work to do as well. It's a two way street. Both people have to be willing to take a hard look at what they can do to repair what has been broken.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear Two Time Loser:

BTW: I don't like calling you or anyone that.

I read your post and your "reactionary cycle" theory and I have a question.

What does "he stops trying" mean? Can you be more specific?

Also, why do you think that weak and needy turn them off? How do they react to those qualities?

Thank you ~

Very Hurt


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear Run Like A Dog:

I can tell you why I took my husband back after he had a 6 month affair with his secretary:

1. Everyone makes mistakes.
2. No one is perfect.
3. If the role was reversed, I would want him to give me a second chance.

I did say to him that "Once is a mistake, twice is deliberate and unforgiving."

Did I make a mistake when I took him back two years ago? 

Just between you and me, I think I did !!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I read this week that researchers have found that the pain of relationship trauma is felt as strongly as physical pain.

I am sorry you are feeling it.

Relationships: Breaking Up Can Hurt -- Physically - ABC News


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> I read this week that researchers have found that the pain of relationship trauma is felt as strongly as physical pain.
> 
> I am sorry you are feeling it.
> 
> Relationships: Breaking Up Can Hurt -- Physically - ABC News



Like when people say oooh that paper cut that's the worst. Actually going through the windshield is worse.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Dear Run Like A Dog:
> 
> I can tell you why I took my husband back after he had a 6 month affair with his secretary:
> 
> ...


I guess I'm more ruthless than that. Forgetting to pick your kids up from school is a mistake. Ejaculating inside a woman you're not married to while you're married to someone else, isn't a mistake. 

I don't expect much, just your absolute total involvement in our love. Otherwise, I kind of don't need you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> That depends on where you live...
> 
> There are some places where a normal reactions involves dragging someone out by the hair and stoning them to death in the street.
> 
> ...


-------------------------------------------------------------
I was once that guy who was desperate and when i first heard that I had to "decide" to have self-esteem, i thought it was a joke.

I was desperate too. I wanted so bad to cling onto this man even though he hurt me so bad. It wasnt just him I was losing. I was losing my family, my home, my marriage. My whole world turned upside down. You are right, Sanity. We need to decide to have self-esteem. We need to stand up and tell ourselves good things. And we need to be strong enough not to let them push us around.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Like when people say oooh that paper cut that's the worst. Actually going through the windshield is worse.


Sure, trivialize it without reading, works for me.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, as a person who acted weak and needy in the beginning, I can say from personal experience, it does push them away. The pain of relationship trauma is DEFINITELY felt as strongly as physical pain as well. Your man is totally deflecting, my dear husband is doing that to me as well by blaming the fact his first EA isn't contacting him, that IF we are meant to be, it'll all work out, that I am trying to manipulate the situation to get the outcome I want, and what am I doing? The fact that I felt the need to contact first and last EA, while for two different reasons, was manipulating? First one, so I could gain some closure, as I am working towards forgiveness, and second, to protect my family. Whoops, that was longer than i meant it to be. Those were purely examples, as I believe your guy is deflecting.

You aren't overreacting girl.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> Sure, trivialize it without reading, works for me.


I don't believe that psychic pain is anything like physical pain. It has comparable levels of emotional stress, sometimes. I tend not to wallow though. I lead a highly compartmentalized life. I think dwelling on the aftermath of a failed relationship is counter productive and highly toxic. Breaking up doesn't kill you - agonizing about it afterward does.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ohhh, but it's the emotional pain that causes physical pain, I've been there. I do agree dwelling on the aftermath of a failed relationship is counterproductive and toxic. The thing is they are still in a relationship trying to work it out. Now, I do agree again, breaking up isn't what kills you, agonizing about it can kill you, inside. The emotional pain can directly affect the physical pain. My personal emotional reactions hurt my head, caused weight loss, etc.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't believe that psychic pain is anything like physical pain. It has comparable levels of emotional stress, sometimes. I tend not to wallow though. I lead a highly compartmentalized life. I think dwelling on the aftermath of a failed relationship is counter productive and highly toxic. Breaking up doesn't kill you - agonizing about it afterward does.


The study noted which parts of the brain are lit up and the way the brain reacts is the same.

Might not have stitches and ruined body parts, but that was not the point of the study.

Worth a read.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah sure. Headaches, flashing lights, ringing in ears, chest pains, nausea, insomnia.

Meditate. I do. Ommmm. Ommmm.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

michzz said:


> Worth a read.





Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah sure.


Don't bother michzz.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Don't bother michzz.



I'm always ready to engage in a decent discussion with the idea it's above board.

If someone wants to lower things for their jollies, it reflexs on them, not me. Makes me wonder why they want to do it, but no skin off my nose.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Yes Im having the same emotional turmoil. It's hard to get up in the morning because of no sleep. Severe headaches. Knowing there are others that are feeling the same makes it easier. Walking around zombie like. Give a smile to that person. You never know their struggle. Hugs all around


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I got put on a roller coaster of emotion, wild swings through all kinds of positive and negative. Started out small, I managed to stay mostly positive to overcome the initial crisis, then once I felt sure the affair was finished for good, I drifted into more negative territory. As time passed the swings were wider, deeper, more intense. I felt like I was in a meat grinder. It was almost a year before I felt like I could take control, and choose my emotion. Even still I get pangs or spikes, but they are manageable.

You'll feel crazy, but you aren't. You're human, you're normal. Not feeling ok, is oddly enough, ok.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Xena,

All I can tell you is what I experienced and from what I've read, it was normal. First, shock, then sadness, disbelief, then hysterical bonding, sometimes to mark your territory. Then you have the depression, lack of sleep, tons of questions that run through your brain and they aren't normally answered by the CS. Then you start investigating what really happened, how long, etc. questions to your H (mine wouldn't answer and got defensive and angry). Then you get to the anger stage and sometimes if you want to stay married, you just give up and accept it. In my case, that's what I did, exactly. I supposedly forgave, loved and moved on.

Now 28 yrs. later it's all come back full force. I am going through a nightmare right now, as he claims to not remember things he should remember. I have a hard time believing what he is saying anymore as he says he doesn't remember and I don't believe hi.

We are now in separate bedroom and I might end up just divorcing him. I don't seem to see any love, am angry enough about what he did to me and won't answer my questions.

I believe in Polygraph test and he is going to take one next week.So my suggestion is get all the information you can, as it help help you later. 
I'm sorry your dealing with you.

In my thoughts, Granny7


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