# Wife Walked Out, Does She Really Want Divorce?



## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Two weeks ago my wife walked out saying she needs a couple of days 'to think', I know she wouldn't be back and two days later on the day she said she would return home, I received a text message saying "I'm so sorry to do this. I know you will hate me but I have feelings for somebody else. I'm not coming back to the house. It's not right us being together in that situation. I don't know why.". She terminated all communication channels, turned off her phone, ignored emails, texts & phone calls. After 19 years together and 11 years of marriage I get a text and no reason, apart from her alleged feelings for another.

Her actions leading up to the event were exactly the same as they were 10 years prior, when she did this the first time - the backwards and forwards coming home and leaving again lasted a total of 9 months. In that time I identified that this behaviour was consistent with "The Walk Away Wife Syndrome", identified by Michelle Weiner-Davis. We finally got back together, had relationship counseling for a while and we haven't had any issues for 10 years....until now.

The common theme in this is that I was not working due to unforeseen circumstances and a recession, but I have inbetween last time and this time. For the past 7 years I have been unable to work due to a neurological condition. About 3.5 years after she came home in 2011, I suffered an extremely violent vertigo attack which seems to have damaged me permanently and now I am always dizzy, got poor eyesight, loud tinnitus, chronic fatigue and other neurological issues, exacerbated by stress. The funny thing is, is that I have always thought that this condition came about out of stress of spending all day every day treading on egg shells, wondering if I was doing something that may make her leave again and wondering whether I would come home from work and find her gone. It took me a total of 5 years to trust her again, as the lies that she told to my face were horrific and the deceit unpalattable.

I haven't been a lazy husband, I clean the house, do the garden, clean the windows, wash and wax the cars, walk her to work and meet her some days (used to) and do the cooking from time to time, help her with work stuff (presentations and official project documentation) and generally am there for her to talk to about anything she chooses. I'm also not a walk-over or a pansey andwas in fact a very successful martial artist in years gone by. I do what I can and it varies daily. She likes doing some of the housework and insists on cooking each day when she gets home from work. She has a highish-pressured job as a lawyer and so I thinking she likes to put her music on and wind down while cooking.

Anyway, nothing was evidently wrong in our relationship. Sure we had crossed words here and there, but overall we got on like a house on fire. In recent years sex has been a bit slow and far between admittedly, and it is both of us responsible for this. But it's hard when I'm going through a stage of feeling rough for weeks and sometime months on end. But it takes two, right?

Because she is the only one who bring home the 'bacon', as it were, my entire life has been turned upside down. I have no income and the house is rented, as we moved here a year and a half ago to be near her work. I am sorting this out with the state, but it's rather a slog with my neurological condition (vestibular migraine).

I finally got her communicating as I needed to get all the paperwork sorted and she used to deal with everything, although it is a bit strained. I've decided now that all that is sorted, I shall cease communication for a while.

She is talking about divorce, but doesn't seem committed to the idea and say that she will speak to her work colleague who is a divorce lawyer. Apparently she hasn't done any research or anything prior to or after leaving home. I spoke to her face-to-face yesterday in the street outside her work when I needed to pick something up, just briefly and I said to her, "So this is it then is it, no explanation, no discussion, just divorce?". Surprisingly she remained silent. I asked again and the responded by very slightly nodding and saying a sheepish "yes". She wasn't very convincing at all, bearing in mind she gives the impression that she has a new relationship.

I needed her to tell me to my face.

She was going to let me know what her colleague said, but I have heard nothing today. I've had my own advice anyway, so I know how the land lies and I shared my knowledge with her. Apparently she will start proceedings, but what grounds? The only option she has is "Unreasonable behaviour", but I haven't been unreasonable. If I was to start proceedings that it would be either "Adultery" which would need proving is she doesn't admit to that, or "Unreasonable Behaviour", which it is as she lied and left the home, ceased communication and said that se had feelings for somebody else.

I don't know where she is living and it's all a bit weird. Absolutely ALL of her clothes, including casual and work clothes are still here. Her jewellery is still her. Her passport is gone and her car documents are gone and various other bits of important paperwork are all gone. She says that she hasn't been 'collecting' a new wardrobe at a different location over the past few months, and the evidence shows this. She said that she only has 3 dresses and she was wearing the same one yesterday that she was wearing Thursday day the week before when I popped her post down to work to her. She wouldn't normally be seen dead wearing the same clothes across 2 different weeks, let alone a day or two apart.

The really interesting part is that she refuses to redirect her post. Now, if you have set up shop with a new partner, then the two things you would do as far as I see it, would be to collect all of your clothes and redirect your post. So this is really strange. She wants me to pop her post to her every couple of weeks or so. I did agree, but I may change this arrangement as I don;t think it's healthy. I can just pop it through the door instead.

To my she is repeating the pattern of 10 years ago, exactly. Last time she was staying with different work colleagues and I have an inkling that she is doing the same here. I don't know where she is living and I don't know how she is getting to work. Her office is only 15 minutes walk away and it is taking everything to not just walk down and find out. But I don't want to be that person - the person who stalks their estranged wife (and she'll also easily see me!)

So, I could be in denial, but I don't think that she is with anybody else. I may be wrong, but she also knows that if I am aware that she has been seeing somebody else, then that would be the most awful betrayal and I would not want her back. So in her mind, I wonder if she is using this as a tactic to stop me from chasing and to leave her alone. I've stopped chasing and I'm leaving her alone now that all theloose ends she left behind are sorted out.

So it looks like divorce is on the cards and I haven't got the funds to hire a divorce lawyer. So that's fun. I have come across Advice Now which has a fair bit of information to study - Divorce and separation

I think I am still in shock and not really sure on what to do next. I don't want a divorce, but I'm not sure that I can put up with this type of behaviour again 10 years down the line, it's like it's never going to end. When will the next time be? I think I shall always be looking over my shoulder and treading on those proverbial egg-shells. for the remainder of my life (I'm 55, she's 45).

The only thing she never done was nag or voice that anything was ever wrong, so no indication at all.

So, where to go from here?

Thanks for listening.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Believe her and prepare for divorce.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Sorry for your situation, divorce should be quite simple if kids aren’t involved, 50/50 split of assets in the uk

Take charge of the situation and get moving on your life, don’t let her steal another moment, she has told you she has feelings for another, so believe her and you do you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Believe her and prepare for divorce.


I don't think there's another option at this stage. It's a shame though, that an issue wasn't raises so that it can be addressed. Just cut 'n' Run!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> Sorry for your situation, divorce should be quite simple if kids aren’t involved, 50/50 split of assets in the uk
> 
> Take charge of the situation and get moving on your life, don’t let her steal another moment, she has told you she has feelings for another, so believe her and you do you.


No kids. Spousal maintenance is also a thing here and a worthy option. I can't believe her, she has lied too much. Me doing me is the hard bit, but I shall. I think that Divorce is the only way, both for her and for me, this disappearing lark take it's toll I can assure you. It's a shame though, makes me feel like I've failed.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Don't look at it like YOU failed -- except in your picker. 
She's obviously like this and has a hard time with long term commitments.
She's a runner and she has. Now YOU need to get your plan and make sure she doesn't "run back".
You shouldn't be a plan B for her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I feel deeply for you and your situation. 
It is sad and horrible.

Standing in your wife's shoes I see why she is doing this.
Yes, she is doing this for selfish reasons, and yes, because she has given up.

She thinks she can do better, and frankly, so do I. 
She wants a more fulfilling life, a normal life, at the minimum.

With her going out to dine, going on holiday, traveling to meet friends and relatives.
Normal life, things.

She is tired of being her brother's keeper, in this case, her husband's keeper.
Her marriage vows were important to her, are important to her, but so is her sanity.

I think she has found someone else, at least for now. 
How long this person will stand by her, remains to be seen.

Because of her position and profession, she is a catch to someone, even if she has to pay you support for a long time.

Life has dealt you a low blow, she knows it, but she wants to get out from under your shadow.

This is not the morally correct thing for her to do, it is a practical move.

Let her go, she gave 19 years of her life, accept that and bow out.

May the government, and your future fate be merciful. 

She is obligated, to pay (somewhat) for your welfare, I suspect.
That is something....



_Are Dee-_


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are and have been her plan B. She tried to execute a plan A 10 years ago and didn't work. You should have realized it then. Who knows, could even be the same person...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> I don't think there's another option at this stage. It's a shame though, that an issue wasn't raises so that it can be addressed. Just cut 'n' Run!


Sorry but try not to get in a hopium daze. That’ll just waste your time.

2nd time means serial cheater. If she comes back there’ll probably be a 3rd time. Read up on the subject.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Don't look at it like YOU failed -- except in your picker.
> She's obviously like this and has a hard time with long term commitments.
> She's a runner and she has. Now YOU need to get your plan and make sure she doesn't "run back".
> You shouldn't be a plan B for her.


I should have expected this to happen again really, I was rather hoping it wouldn't. She was living with another guy when we got together and she left him in much the same way and moved out while he was at work. She has done this to me previously, She vowed that there was nobody else involved 10 years back, but now I do wonder.

I've never thought of myself as a Plan B - would she try to run back after causing all of this hassle? Be interesting to see how she would do that this time. I told her if she ran without rhyme or reason, then that would be my line in the sand. She did it anyway, even after I compromised and moved it to the end of the 2 days that she said she needed. We set that at counselling all those years back, together with the agreemeent that if either of us had an issue with the relationship, then we would speak up so it could be addressed. She didn't respect that agreement.

My plan is taking shape. It's only been 2 weeks (to the day) and it's still a bit rope-y. Each day it moves forward though, never backward, and each day it gets a little clearer. Not sure what the exact plan is yet, but I reckon in a couple of weeks it should be there.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, sorry to hear this **** sandwich given to you by your coward of a wife.

Where to go from here. DIVORCE at all cost. Open your eyes, shed any fears, bring up your self respect, self worth, and be decisive. Show her that you mean business, that you will not become a spineless man begging for her. Get the best solicitor that you can get, and go full ahead to extricate her out of your life. You'll manage on your won somehow. Good luck.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> With her going out to dine, going on holiday, traveling to meet friends and relatives.
> Normal life, things.


We used to go out to dine and we used to travel Europe and have some really good times. The only thing that stopped that was recent events



SunCMars said:


> She is tired of being her brother's keeper, in this case, her husband's keeper.
> Her marriage vows were important to her, are important to her, but so is her sanity.


I agree that that is probably a true statement, but it wasn't just a one-way thing, I supported her immensly through work, supported her emotionally while travelling the ranks from Trainee Lawyer to almost Partner now. And the support I gave was huge when she was second guessing her positions in different companies. Not forgetting the 7.5 years of her being plagued by Auto-immune Hepatitis, while I was out at work each and every day.

My vows are important. I didn't waver once. Didn't think I would be better off without her despite her putting on weight from the drugs she was on. I never looked at another woman, I was happy with her. I was serious about my vows and I spent 8 years of us being together first to make sure that it was right. She forgot hers exactly one year after we were married, when I tried to celebrate our first anniversary and it went down like a lead balloon.



SunCMars said:


> I think she has found someone else, at least for now.
> How long this person will stand by her, remains to be seen.
> 
> Because of her position and profession, she is a catch to someone, even if she has to pay you support for a long time.


Personally I think she is staying with a work colleague, but I may be disillusioned of course. If she has the need to run from one person to the next instead of leaving a relationship because she is unhappy and being on her own for a while to sort herself out, then that says a lot about her in my eyes. She has never been on her own. Home -> Boyfriend 1 -> Boyfriend 2 -> Boyfriend 3 -> Me ->?

Yes, she may be a catch but she will also put her work as top priority over everything. That's why we didn't have a family. Work was more important and although she is not at work for long hours, it eats up all of her attention and she doesn't want to plan for a home life. I always found this a bit strange.



SunCMars said:


> Let her go, she gave 19 years of her life, accept that and bow out.


I think I have to this time, for my own sanity.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

re16 said:


> You are and have been her plan B. She tried to execute a plan A 10 years ago and didn't work. You should have realized it then. Who knows, could even be the same person...


But why wait 10 years? Why not just go a year or so after, or even a few months? Yes, it may be the same person, if there is really anybody, who knows.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Smilieman said:


> I should have expected this to happen again really, I was rather hoping it wouldn't. She was living with another guy when we got together and she left him in much the same way and moved out while he was at work. She has done this to me previously, She vowed that there was nobody else involved 10 years back, but now I do wonder.
> 
> I've never thought of myself as a Plan B - would she try to run back after causing all of this hassle? Be interesting to see how she would do that this time. I told her if she ran without rhyme or reason, then that would be my line in the sand. She did it anyway, even after I compromised and moved it to the end of the 2 days that she said she needed. We set that at counselling all those years back, together with the agreemeent that if either of us had an issue with the relationship, then we would speak up so it could be addressed. She didn't respect that agreement.
> 
> My plan is taking shape. It's only been 2 weeks (to the day) and it's still a bit rope-y. Each day it moves forward though, never backward, and each day it gets a little clearer. Not sure what the exact plan is yet, but I reckon in a couple of weeks it should be there.


Let’s be clear - yes there is another man. She flat out told you she has feelings for another man, and now she’s run off and cut comms. She is either with him or seeing him, and as adults that includes sex. Your wife would never tell you that she had feelings for another man unless she was well down the path of acting on it. If you want any help with navigating this effectively, you need to be realistic.

She’s been gone two weeks, and your plan is “taking shape” and may be ready in another couple weeks?
Seriously, this is insane. Your wife bails on you, cuts communications (after telling you if she has feelings for another man) - and you sit there for two weeks without taking any action at all?
You can no longer afford to be weak and passive my friend. It’s time to go scorched earth, shock and awe, or whatever analogy you want to use - but it’s time to get serious and go to war. She is no longer your wife, she is not your friend and she does not have your best interest in mind - at all. 
There is no more two weeks, you need to get your plan lined up and start executing NOW.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> 2nd time means serial cheater. If she comes back there’ll probably be a 3rd time. Read up on the subject.


And that's what I don't want to experience. I will always be wondering when the next time would be and I would never be able to trust her again, so what would be the point? Her father was a cheater, had a second family in a different town and away from his usual family. He abandoned my wife when she was little and moved away, so perhaps she thinks that as normal. Who knows.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Smilieman said:


> But why wait 10 years? Why not just go a year or so after, or even a few months? Yes, it may be the same person, if there is really anybody, who knows.


Who gives a ****? 
She has zero respect for you, she’s not in love with you, and she thinks you’re a useless piece of garbage. 
Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth. Let it sink in and accept it. No woman EVER does this to a man she respects or loves. Now you need to act accordingly.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Well, sorry to hear this **** sandwich given to you by your coward of a wife.
> 
> Where to go from here. DIVORCE at all cost. Open your eyes, shed any fears, bring up your self respect, self worth, and be decisive. Show her that you mean business, that you will not become a spineless man begging for her. Get the best solicitor that you can get, and go full ahead to extricate her out of your life. You'll manage on your won somehow. Good luck.


Thank you and you're right, my self-respect and self-esteem has taken a hit. Begging, no. I offered to talk and discuss and cried a little at the start, but I'm being firm, she knows I've had legal advice and she will soon know that I'm planning to move on. It is difficult to stand firm though, especially when youi feel like jelly inside and don't deal with emotion stuff very well. However,because I haven't got an income I can't afford to employ a lawyer. I did for the initial advice and hour meeting and again for the follow-up, but that has cleared me out. I have found some documentation though, so will see how I go. Typical though isn't it, as she gets all her stuff done for free!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> She’s been gone two weeks, and your plan is “taking shape” and may be ready in another couple weeks?
> Seriously, this is insane. Your wife bails on you, cuts communications (after telling you if she has feelings for another man) - and you sit there for two weeks without taking any action at all?


Don't assume my friend. I have not been sitting idle. I have had meetings with income support people, found out what I am entitled to and claimed that, had numerous phone calls with different agencies and had 2 meetings with lawyers. I'm certainly not sitting idle. The next two weeks I need to finalise what I have started, claim disability and find somewhere to live. So, that's what I've been doing and I've been doing that almost full-time, looking after the fiercely growing garden and all while suffering badly with vertigo caused by Vestibula Migraine. It's been tough and I have not sat down.



DudeInProgress said:


> You can no longer afford to be weak and passive my friend. It’s time to go scorched earth, shock and awe, or whatever analogy you want to use - but it’s time to get serious and go to war. She is no longer your wife, she is not your friend and she does not have your best interest in mind - at all.
> There is no more two weeks, you need to get your plan lined up and start executing NOW.


I wouldn't say I was passive. I just wish I had the funds to start proceedings. Court costs need to be paid up-front by the petitioner and I just haven't got them. Shame it has to be a war, isn't it?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Who gives a ****?
> She has zero respect for you, she’s not in love with you, and she thinks you’re a useless piece of garbage.
> Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth. Let it sink in and accept it. No woman EVER does this to a man she respects or loves. Now you need to act accordingly.


My thoughts exactly, you're on-point. Yes, I suppose I do.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Smilieman said:


> Thank you and you're right, my self-respect and self-esteem has taken a hit. Begging, no. I offered to talk and discuss and cried a little at the start, but I'm being firm, she knows I've had legal advice and she will soon know that I'm planning to move on. It is difficult to stand firm though, especially when youi feel like jelly inside and don't deal with emotion stuff very well. However,because I haven't got an income I can't afford to employ a lawyer. I did for the initial advice and hour meeting and again for the follow-up, but that has cleared me out. I have found some documentation though, so will see how I go. Typical though isn't it, as she gets all her stuff done for free!


I am sorry that you have to go through this experience. Your wife's sudden departure after all these years is hard, but the fact that she did a similar move earlier, and that she did not approach you or tell you that she was unhappy means that you should not blame yourself for anything. It's on her. Take the time to process and heal. 

I think at this point it is irrelevant whether she has feelings for somebody or not. If she said it, then there is no use of reasoning that she might be lying. She made it clear that she doesn't want to stay with you, and it is much easier for you to part ways with her because her coming back will take you on another nightmarish ride as you will be AGAIN dreading the day she will leave you again. 

You need to start the divorce process as soon as you can. Can you borrow some money from a family member or a friend? Don't you have in the UK some programs the city or the government that help financially people who cannot afford attorney fees? She will have to pay you spousal support and maybe attorney fees ( I am not familiar with the family law in the UK), but you need to start looking for jobs that you can do from home or a job that can accommodate your condition. Good luck!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Smilieman said:


> We used to go out to dine and we used to travel Europe and have some really good times. The only thing that stopped that was recent events
> 
> 
> I agree that that is probably a true statement, but it wasn't just a one-way thing, I supported her immensly through work, supported her emotionally while travelling the ranks from Trainee Lawyer to almost Partner now. And the support I gave was huge when she was second guessing her positions in different companies. Not forgetting the 7.5 years of her being plagued by Auto-immune Hepatitis, while I was out at work each and every day.
> ...


I need you to know....
I hated writing what I wrote.

Life is never fair, nor is it balanced....any which way, properly.

We are mostly valued for what we _do_ for other people.

Some people take all they can from a person and then discard them when the well runs dry.

There are good people in this life, she is not one of them.

A thought...
Sometimes our bad luck comes from close associations and a close proximity to someone else's bad aura.
When you break away, and leave that situation, the dark cloud dissipates.
Your Fate then, does an upturn.

Evil eyes do exist, as do evil thoughts.

I suspect, in a year or two from now, things will either get better, or worse.

Huh?

WTH?

Worse, if this is the beginning of a bad trend, or better, if it is the end, therefore.
Look about yourself, see if you can see some sort of pattern emerging.
The writing is not on the wall, it is all about you.

Sometimes, staring you in the eye...

Just a thought.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why haven’t you filed for disability a long time ago? Nothing to do here but let her go. You can’t keep her if she doesn’t want to stay. 
once she mentions another man- gotta be done.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Don't assume my friend. I have not been sitting idle. I have had meetings with income support people, found out what I am entitled to and claimed that, had numerous phone calls with different agencies and had 2 meetings with lawyers. I'm certainly not sitting idle. The next two weeks I need to finalise what I have started, claim disability and find somewhere to live. So, that's what I've been doing and I've been doing that almost full-time, looking after the fiercely growing garden and all while suffering badly with vertigo caused by Vestibula Migraine. It's been tough and I have not sat down.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't say I was passive. I just wish I had the funds to start proceedings. Court costs need to be paid up-front by the petitioner and I just haven't got them. Shame it has to be a war, isn't it?


So, don't you have access to your bank accounts? Your wife just can't take off with all of the marital assets - if she did a lawyer can go after that (including their OWN fees) for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> Two weeks ago my wife walked out saying she needs a couple of days 'to think', I know she wouldn't be back and two days later on the day she said she would return home, I received a text message saying "I'm so sorry to do this. I know you will hate me but I have feelings for somebody else. I'm not coming back to the house. It's not right us being together in that situation. I don't know why.". She terminated all communication channels, turned off her phone, ignored emails, texts & phone calls. After 19 years together and 11 years of marriage I get a text and no reason, apart from her alleged feelings for another.
> 
> Her actions leading up to the event were exactly the same as they were 10 years prior, when she did this the first time - the backwards and forwards coming home and leaving again lasted a total of 9 months. In that time I identified that this behaviour was consistent with "The Walk Away Wife Syndrome", identified by Michelle Weiner-Davis. We finally got back together, had relationship counseling for a while and we haven't had any issues for 10 years....until now.
> 
> ...


Send her just one text:

“I need to know where you’re staying so I know where to send divorce papers.”


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why haven’t you filed for disability a long time ago? Nothing to do here but let her go. You can’t keep her if she doesn’t want to stay.
> once she mentions another man- gotta be done.


Well, she said that she looked into it and discovered that I wouln't be able to get disability because of her salary, I believed her as thought she investigated it properly. She was wrong. I asked her about it when I found out last week and she said to me, "I didn't look into it in depth". Strange


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, don't you have access to your bank accounts? Your wife just can't take off with all of the marital assets - if she did a lawyer can go after that (including their OWN fees) for you.


Yes I have, but she mananged everything. There is no money in my accounts, I only have enough for food.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Send her just one text:
> 
> “I need to know where you’re staying so I know where to send divorce papers.”


She would only say send them to her work address. She will not tell me where she lives. I wish I could start the proceedings.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> A thought...
> Sometimes our bad luck comes from close associations and a close proximity to someone else's bad aura.
> When you break away, and leave that situation, the dark cloud dissipates.
> Your Fate then, does an upturn.


I certainly hope so. My luck has been rubbish for years.



SunCMars said:


> Worse, if this is the beginning of a bad trend, or better, if it is the end, therefore.
> Look about yourself, see if you can see some sort of pattern emerging.
> The writing is not on the wall, it is all about you.


It can't be the beginning of a trend surely? It's been going on for years.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I'm really struggling today. At least I had some sleep last night, but once again woke in a panic. When is this going to stop? I really wish I had some money to stat the divorce off, I really do. Why have I always got to wait for her?

God, I feel so sick. Feel so panicky and I don;t know why. Would I want her back, probably not. Do I miss her, of course. I suppose I still love her too and she's far further ahead in her mind along the journey of letting go.

I still can't believe we're in this position, instead of working out what our further could have been and work towards that. I think I am still in shock.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re off this bad ride, I hope she is firm in leaving you this time.

Can I suggest that you really just stop texting and callling and going to her work and let her actually do the work this time to get the divorce happening? like really sit back and let her do it?? And stop contacting her? 

It’s a gift that you don’t like, but these will be your warmest fuzziest pyjamas one day. Good god what an anchor around your neck that must have been, always wondering when she was going to leave! Those wish-washy ones are the absolute worst.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> I should have expected this to happen again really, I was rather hoping it wouldn't. She was living with another guy when we got together and she left him in much the same way and moved out while he was at work. She has done this to me previously, She vowed that there was nobody else involved 10 years back, but now I do wonder.
> 
> I've never thought of myself as a Plan B - would she try to run back after causing all of this hassle? Be interesting to see how she would do that this time. I told her if she ran without rhyme or reason, then that would be my line in the sand. She did it anyway, even after I compromised and moved it to the end of the 2 days that she said she needed. We set that at counselling all those years back, together with the agreemeent that if either of us had an issue with the relationship, then we would speak up so it could be addressed. She didn't respect that agreement.
> 
> My plan is taking shape. It's only been 2 weeks (to the day) and it's still a bit rope-y. Each day it moves forward though, never backward, and each day it gets a little clearer. Not sure what the exact plan is yet, but I reckon in a couple of weeks it should be there.


Sorry you are here but the best thing is to get ahead of the curve and appoint a lawyer. Do a hard 180 on her and make all correspondence through the lawyer. You will not get any closure from her. She sounds narcissistic, (that is what they do, disappear, no explanations, reappear etc in their idealise, devalue and discard phases). Run, you are still young enough to start over, take this as a gift of freedom.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Somehow I feel she is not happy and been thinking about to leave this marriage for a long time. Even if she is currently not with or seeing anybody but she still can imagine her future with someone else she likes, that is why she wants to end it. 
I am sorry...


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Oh sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re off this bad ride, I hope she is firm in leaving you this time.


Thank you for your sentiment. It's doesn't feel like I'm off the ride yet, it really doesn't. It feels like the nightmare has just begun.



Luckylucky said:


> Can I suggest that you really just stop texting and callling and going to her work and let her actually do the work this time to get the divorce happening? like really sit back and let her do it?? And stop contacting her?


Yes, I have done this now. Because of her just leaving, there was information that I needed that she had in order for me to address things with the claims I had to put in. There is one more thing I need from her and that is a statement for my disabiity claim, as she has the first-hand knowledge and experience in my condition. This can wait for a week or two though.



Luckylucky said:


> It’s a gift that you don’t like, but these will be your warmest fuzziest pyjamas one day. Good god what an anchor around your neck that must have been, always wondering when she was going to leave! Those wish-washy ones are the absolute worst.


A gift? Blimey, never seen this as a gift, but perhaps you are right. It's nice that somebody has actually seen part of it from my perspective and yes, it has been hell wondering when she wold once again leave, although over the past 5 years I haven't thought about it too much. It certainly is nasty when she just goes without warning.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

aine said:


> Sorry you are here but the best thing is to get ahead of the curve and appoint a lawyer. Do a hard 180 on her and make all correspondence through the lawyer. You will not get any closure from her. She sounds narcissistic, (that is what they do, disappear, no explanations, reappear etc in their idealise, devalue and discard phases). Run, you are still young enough to start over, take this as a gift of freedom.


Young enough! Young enough? I feel so old and at the moment like a beat up old car that just won't start.

I have not got the money for a lawyer. I did have a meeting with one and they indicated that they could probably claim the costs from her - that cost me £150. So I emailed them a week later with the information they wanted and asked them how the logistic of claiming fees from her would work, and they then got back to me saying they don't reckon we'd be able to do that after all as the court would see that she is paying the rent here for 3 months (although she is using money from our joint savings). They once again charged me over £200 for replying and now I have only a small pot of money left for food, etc. Why does it always come down to money?

180 implemented.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

fluffycoco said:


> Somehow I feel she is not happy and been thinking about to leave this marriage for a long time. Even if she is currently not with or seeing anybody but she still can imagine her future with someone else she likes, that is why she wants to end it.
> I am sorry...


Yes, you are probably right. But it's wrong to be unhappy, not speak out and 'pretend' and 'act' in a way that gives the impression that everything is fine? That to me is playing a game and being deceitful. Then just to go with no warning and withdrawal of support is cold, calculating a calous - although she said it wasn't planned.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

The only thing she never done was nag or voice that anything was ever wrong, so no indication at all.

in my opinion, she never loved you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

fluffycoco said:


> The only thing she never done was nag or voice that anything was ever wrong, so no indication at all.
> 
> in my opinion, she never loved you.


ouch! Then why get married? Why say she did? Why be with me for 19 years? Just because she didn't want to be alone?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> After 19 years together and 11 years of marriage I get a text and no reason, apart from her alleged feelings for another.
> 
> She has a highish-pressured job as a lawyer and so I thinking she likes to put her music on and wind down while cooking.
> 
> ...


Ok, I cut out all the minutia and kept the details that stood out to me as important. Here's what I think.

Your wife has no respect for you. She has a high end job as a lawyer and you have...nothing. You are her housewife now, basically. The sex has been crappy lately as well. So, she found someone else. The reason she confirmed her desire for divorce sheepishly is likely out of shame. It's a tough thing to admit and you didn't do anything to her for her to get angry enough to tell you the details. 

I don't know much about what you can do in this situation but surely there has to be a divorce lawyer that can take you on considering she likely owes you alimony or some kind of spousal support. I suggest you go after her for whatever you can because considering your condition, you're probably going to need it. Find a lawyer that will help you out, if you can, and listen to every bit of harsh advice that lawyer offers you. Follow their directions perfectly. 

Sorry buddy. I hope things work out for you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Ok, I cut out all the minutia and kept the details that stood out to me as important. Here's what I think.
> 
> Your wife has no respect for you. She has a high end job as a lawyer and you have...nothing. You are her housewife now, basically. The sex has been crappy lately as well. So, she found someone else. The reason she confirmed her desire for divorce sheepishly is likely out of shame. It's a tough thing to admit and you didn't do anything to her for her to get angry enough to tell you the details.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your honesty. I came to the conclusion that she has no respect for me also. She is prepared to see me on the street, by her actions. It's harsh, but a reality-check.

Good point about the sheepishness being out of shame. Finding a lawyer that does pro-bono work is almost impossible!

I just can't stand this panic feeling all of the time - a broken heart I suspect.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have assets. Sell her jewelry and clothes to get some immediate cash. She's abandoned them and you haven't filed for divorce yet so they are your property. I don't know if that would hold up in court; but, you can beg for forgiveness later.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You have assets. Sell her jewelry and clothes to get some immediate cash. She's abandoned them and you haven't filed for divorce yet so they are your property. I don't know if that would hold up in court; but, you can beg for forgiveness later.


Lol! Good idea, but that would go against my morals - I will not let this situation turn me vindictive, immoral or see me enter into an unfair mindset. Seriously though, I will not compromise my morals, like she has hers. Although it may not feel like it, as I feel pathetic at the moment, I am the one holding my head up high and haven't compromised my integrity or what I stand for. I will remain fair and equitable, but will not allow myself to sink into blame or persecution (which is such an easy path to take). On the other hand, she has compromised her integrity, proven her dishonesty and shown that she is not willing to discuss issues so that they can be addressed and therefore, destroyed any credibility she had, as far as I am concerned. Really, if you think about it, she hasn't got anything about her really. If your word and actions are not what you say they are to others, then you are seen as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable, even though people may still stand by and support you still, I do wonder what they really think, or what story she has painted them. But surely they will be able to see that she has left me for another, if that really is the case, and as such must question her morals?

What I say I keep to. How I say I will be, I am and I do keep to. If I agree to something, I will keep to that agreement (including marriage) - as long as love shall last we said - mine is still there, hers isn't. If I promise something, I will keep that promise. If I say I will look after somebody and love them, I will keep to what I say. If I state that I will highlight and address issues, I wil do that and I did. When I tell her I love her, I am being truthful, always and if I didn't mean it I wouldn't say it. I have pride that I hold this stance and hopefully people will see that I have a degree of integrity at some level.

So.....going on from that.....

Her jewellery is just cheap from a general store. The expensive stuff (and she only has a few bits) is the stuff that I have brought her in the past - platinum/diamond, etc - she always wears. That's a point, she can sell her engagement and wedding ring - that'll be a fair few grand!

Likewise her clothes are not expensive.

I am following up some avenues at the moment to pay legal fees and to be more flexible in this situation. I have life insurance and I wonder if they cover legal fees of this nature. Also, I am considering cashing in my pensions, which I was going to do prior to all this in order to invest in a few different areas for "our" future. I think I shall set up a different bank account. Then I can cancel state support and not have to wait around. Then, as part of the divorce agreement, I can agree for her to leave my pensions alone and I won't claim on her pension or Spousal Maintenance. This gets her out of my life quicker, as I think prolonging it will keep me in this God-awful state which I cannot bear a moment longer. It also puts me back in control - somewhere I haven't been for a very long time. I am on the phone at the moment to another call, but I shall make these enquiries this afternoon as soon as I can, then I shall have more information.

The only thing is, is that I won't be able to draw on my pension come retirement, so I will need some sources of income to replenish and help grow, but I will have a couple of years before the money runs out (more if I'm careful), to somehow build this up or come up with a plan to commandeer a piece of land and build a cob house! Always been my dream! Creating an income is the difficult bit due to my neurological condition which means I cannot be a reliable employee and cannot do the work required of me, but I'm sure that I can sort something out. That is a worry for when this is sorted.

Between the irrational thought and panic, it would appear that my brain can still function to some degree.

I think I see a way forward out of this and a quick Divorce. It's a shame that it has come this as I am a true believer of talking about and addressing issues, but she in insistent on not wanting to do this and the way she has once again "vanished" has left a really awkward situation that I am trying to pick the pieces up from yet again. She has provided the income since I have been ill - 7 years (but not pathetically ill, you understand) and she has also been the one that has administered everything - bills, bank accounts (including mine), pensions, insurances, etc, etc, etc. We have had holiday's and supplemented her income at stages throughout this as I sued a dentist a while back and we have used this also. So it's not that I haven't been contributing to some degree.

The more I think about it, the more I come to the reasoning that I cannot (will not?) put up with this type of behaviour and if truth be told, it is very likely that she was seeing somebody else the first time this happened some 10years ago - if that is the case then our whole relationship has been built on a lie since then. Like I said earlier - lack of credibility, honesty & morals - no respect for me or our relationship either.

Sorry about the waffle, but you response trigger something in me. Push has come to shove.....I think.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

What if the genders here were reversed. The lawyer husband walks out on the wife who developed a disability during the marriage. He proclaims feelings for another woman. He controls all the money and leaves his wife literally destitute with little but her intestinal fortitude to get through each day. We would call that husband a monster. A scumbag. A POS, and worse. 
Smilieman, that is your wife. She IS that monster. Whatever social services are typically available for abused, neglected and abandoned wives should be available to you. I would make that your next call. Today.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why are you just now thinking about disability?

Is there a reason you aren't already getting it?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why are you just now thinking about disability?
> 
> Is there a reason you aren't already getting it?


Yes. I have a complex neurological condition that is part of Vestibular Migraine (or Migraine Associated Vertigo). I have had this for 7 years and have been unable to work. Prior to that I was an IT Consultant.

When the wife and I spoke about it, she said that she would look into if I would be eligible for support. She came to the conclusion that I wasn't because of her salary. Since she has left, I have come to learn that I would have been eligible for Personal Independence Payments (subject to proving disability), which is payable to the person and is not 'means tested'. So I could have been claiming this all along.

Basically, the wife got her information wrong, but seeing as I thought she had researched it properly, I believed that what she was saying was right - it wasn't.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I have spent the afternoon trying to find out what my options are from a legal perspective, about how I would fund the cost of a divorce seeing as I haven't got an income. So I called a random legal firm and quickly explained the situation and asked them if they could provide me with a starting point. I got a list of other firms that may be able to help. In the UK Legal Aid no longer covers Divorce, unless there is abuse and violence involved and even then maybe only when children are involved also. So I called these recommended firms, explained the situation and asked if they could recommend a starting point. There is one firm left to call me back, who state on their website that it's a myth that legal aid is no longer available and that I may be able to claim it. So waiting for that call. 

However, a Senior Partner of one of the other firms gave me a fair lot of information over a 5 minute conversation. Namely, 

It is likely that I will need to do the divorce myself via the Government website
I may be able to get court fees reduced or waived
Spousal Maintenance is a 'Strange Beast' but I may find some luck with it (didn't instil confidence)
That if I hear from the Wife to say I want to go to Mediation to sort out the financial stuff (this is payable, probably by the petitioner)
I may be entitled to "Court Ancillary Relief" and that if I wasn't then going through the courts could cost in excess of £3,000, plus another £1,000 for a barrister.
That I will need an address for my wife - I don't know where she lives now, but I reckon I should be able to use her work address, if it's just for serving documents (?)
That I will need my marriage certificate to apply for divorce. Seeing as my wife has taken all important documentation, I wasn't in hope of finding this. However, after a bit of digging I actually found the certificate! So how come she left this behind then? Didn't consider it? Didn't think she would be getting a divorce? Forgot? Bearing in mind that she had taken her car documents and passport, even though she was only supposed to be going away for a couple of days 'to think'. Shows it was premeditated.
So, it looks like Spousal Maintenance may be tricky, and I wonder if I could use this as more of a bargaining tool for her to waive interest in my pensions. That may be an agreement that I think she will accept. Otherwise, I won't agree to the divorce and she will have to wait for the 5 years separation thing.

As far as not having any money, which is really a sticking point, I shall call my pension people tomorrow to see about the cash-in options. The downside of this is that I won't have a pension when I 'formally' retire and I will only have about 2-3 years drawing on this money before it runs out - so I will need to find a way to earn an income with my condition and I will need to stop all claimed benefits. The up-side of this and depending on how long it take to come out, it will give me much more flexibility and the option of moving faster, without needing to wait for "the system". I get a choice of where I want to be and what type of property to rent, oh, and I also want a dog - a true friend! 🐶 

So more information now above divorce and my options to ponder. Not sure which route to take, but this second one wold be easier, quicker and give me access to funds.

Thank you all for taking the time so far, in passing on your thoughts and ideas. It really does help in this most awful situation. 💜


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Young enough! Young enough? I feel so old and at the moment like a beat up old car that just won't start.
> 
> I have not got the money for a lawyer. I did have a meeting with one and they indicated that they could probably claim the costs from her - that cost me £150. So I emailed them a week later with the information they wanted and asked them how the logistic of claiming fees from her would work, and they then got back to me saying they don't reckon we'd be able to do that after all as the court would see that she is paying the rent here for 3 months (although she is using money from our joint savings). They once again charged me over £200 for replying and now I have only a small pot of money left for food, etc. Why does it always come down to money?
> 
> 180 implemented.


If your wife is suing your joint account, you need to watch it like a hawk -- when money gets put in, move it to YOUR OWN account that she has no access to. I presume she has her OWN savings account that her salary goes into and she just puts some money into the joint?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Finding a lawyer that does pro-bono work is almost impossible!


Isn't there some sort of Legal Aid in the U.K. that you can try?

ETA: Answered above.... never mind!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If your wife is suing your joint account, you need to watch it like a hawk -- when money gets put in, move it to YOUR OWN account that she has no access to. I presume she has her OWN savings account that her salary goes into and she just puts some money into the joint?


She has her own account. She doesn't put anything in the joint account - this account was where my dental legal claim money went so that I could access it if I needed it for work on my teeth. We have used some bits for things, such as the house deposit (I paid that) and freezer and some other urgent items, but the rest was set aside. She used it without agreement and has left £50 in the account.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Isn't there some sort of Legal Aid in the U.K. that you can try?


No. it was taken away for divorce in 2013. It is set aside only for abusive relationships now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PLEASE do not cash in your pension or savings for retirement.

Those monies are for retirement, not for TODAY.

What if you live to be 80 and have already spent away your savings?

Bad, bad thing to do.

Plus, if you cash them in, you will look less impoverished (to the Government and her lawyers) than you truly are.

Talk to a financial planner and a solicitor. Let them know your wife has means, and you do not.

Hopefully, you will find one who will wait to be paid.

_Yours is an abusive relationship._


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> She has her own account. She doesn't put anything in the joint account - this account was where my dental legal claim money went so that I could access it if I needed it for work on my teeth. We have used some bits for things, such as the house deposit (I paid that) and freezer and some other urgent items, but the rest was set aside. She used it without agreement and has left £50 in the account.


YOU need to get a lawyer SOME HOW SOME WAY. Do you have family you could borrow from? Take a loan.
What she did is THEFT. She stole your money. If that dental legal claim was in YOUR name, she stole it.

I would ALSO MAKE SURE she pays you spousal support --- sounds like you have a very good case for that. Do NOT give that up -- you will need that to live on until you get things settled.

In addition, for work, since you were in IT, can you do freelance work? There are many sites where you can bid for jobs, and your time frame, and then give them the completed work -- but done on YOUR time.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> PLEASE do not cash in your pension or savings for retirement.
> 
> Those monies are for retirement, not for TODAY.
> 
> What if you live to be 80 and have already spent away your savings?


I know what you are saying here but it will give me more options. I'm not convinced the pensions funds are there anyway when push comes to shove. I am concerned about the looming financial collapse (as part of the World Economic Forums 'Great Reset'), so wonder if there will be any money there anyway in a few years. May as well get use of it now.

I really do know what you are saying and this is exactly what the lawyer I was speaking to was saying also. I wonder if it would be beneficial to discuss with the pension company about taking just a small portion out to give me some flexibility, to appoint a lawyer, for removal costs and a choice of where to live.



SunCMars said:


> Plus, if you cash them in, you will look less impoverished (to the Government and her lawyers) than you truly are.


That's my concern. If they are cashed in I wouldn't be elegible for any benefit.



SunCMars said:


> Talk to a financial planner and a solicitor. Let them know your wife has means, and you do not.
> 
> Hopefully, you will find one who will wait to be paid.


Haven't found one yet! I have called 8 firms over the past week.



SunCMars said:


> Yours is an abusive relationship


I'm sure you're right, but I would be interested how you are seeing this, as I can't clearly see how - I suppose I'm in the middle of it.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> YOU need to get a lawyer SOME HOW SOME WAY. Do you have family you could borrow from? Take a loan.


No family and nobody I know to loan money from. I wouldn't be able to get a loan as I can't pay it back.



jlg07 said:


> What she did is THEFT. She stole your money. If that dental legal claim was in YOUR name, she stole it.


Yes it is. It was in a joint account though, but it wasn't agreed that she use it. The claim was in my name, yes.



jlg07 said:


> In addition, for work, since you were in IT, can you do freelance work? There are many sites where you can bid for jobs, and your timeframe, and then give them the completed work -- but done on YOUR time.


I understand this concept. I was an IT Manager and a support guy, so hands on. I think a lot of online jobs are software/web development, etc. which is a shame. I cannot spend very long with glasses on or on PC, so it's a bit of an issue. However, I am looking at options and will keep that in mind. Thanks. 

I wish I could easily get an income like ordinary people can. This is such a pain. I used to enjoy IT Consultancy, but the travel sucked.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Yes it is. It was in a joint account though, but it wasn't agreed that she use it. The claim was in my name, yes.


So, can you talk to whatever your equivalent is of the District Attorney and have her arrested for theft? Not sure if they WOULD do that, but it may be worth a shot.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, can you talk to whatever your equivalent is of the District Attorney and have her arrested for theft? Not sure if they WOULD do that, but it may be worth a shot.


I doubt it. There wasn't that much in there. She said she put half in my account and half in hers, however hers was £1,000 more than mine. So there's that. I shall request that disclosure be given and refunded difference.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no cure for your illness, but there are treatments.
Treatments that 'lessen' the vertigo and the dizziness.

Have you tried any of them, or have you basically given up?

If a drug regimen can keep you stable that is your only hope.
Hope for working.

Maybe working from home.

Companies like PCMatic offer jobs that you might be able to do from home.
You could be part of various companies _Help Desks_.

Almost all, will train you.

Plus, the government might give these companies a financial incentive to hire those with disabilities.

I think that the UK has these job opportunities in place.
Some government agencies my be of help.

Might this one below, be of any help?









Disability Confident: Guidance For Applicants







www.citizensadvice.org.uk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> There is no cure for your illness, but there are treatments.
> Treatments that 'lessen' the vertigo and the dizziness.
> 
> Have you tried any of them, or have you basically given up


Oh I haven't given up. I have tried everything that has been recommended and things got worse. Beta blockers stopped my heart, Epilepsy medication turned me into a zombie and I couldn't function and anti-depressants gave me vertigo really bad for months! It's better without drugs than with. I can't even take a vitamin tablet without it setting things off! I have been trying a whole host of things, diet changes, organic, fasting, plant-based, exercise, etc, etc, etc. Still waiting for the magic solution to appear.



SunCMars said:


> Maybe working from home.
> 
> Companies like PCMatic offer jobs that you might be able to do from home.
> You could be part of various companies _Help Desks_


Actually that may well be a viable option. I shall take a closer look later. Thank you.



SunCMars said:


> Plus, the government might give these companies a financial incentive to hire those with disabilities.
> 
> I think that the UK has these job opportunities in place.
> Some government agencies my be of help.


I suppose it all depends on the position. I can't look at screens without reading glasses and reading glasses make me dizzy, so I can only wear them for 10-15 mins at a time maximum. This is the same for reading. I can't have my head down, doing things for any length of time, as it makes me dizzy. I can't sit and have my head to the side for the same reason. If I'm moving around a lot that may help. Outside work may be good, like gardening or something, but I can't bend over for too long as my ribs slip out and that impacts the vertigo. It's all a damn mess I tell you. I can talk to people! I can sit and chat - perhaps I'll do coaching, that'll be good and I do have the certification (believe it or not!).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Oh I haven't given up. I have tried everything that has been recommended and things got worse. Beta blockers stopped my heart, Epilepsy medication turned me into a zombie and I couldn't function and anti-depressants gave me vertigo really bad for months! It's better without drugs than with. I can't even take a vitamin tablet without it setting things off! I have been trying a whole host of things, diet changes, organic, fasting, plant-based, exercise, etc, etc, etc. Still waiting for the magic solution to appear.


I know there are exercises you can do to lessen the vertigo effects. Also, have you tried the CEPHALY machine -- it helps a lot in blocking migraines (may still have a headache, but it usually doesn't progress).
Also, has a Neurologist ruled out PHYSICAL issues --- like Occipital Neuralgia? My son had this type of migraine for years. The vertigo was very much helped by exercises he does every day.
He was just recently diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia. He had an injection to the nerves in his neck and it has been a tremendous improvement.
I know, I'm not a Dr and impossible to diagnose this stuff from a few comments on a forum, but I figured i'd put it out there in case you haven't pursed any of these items. After years of seeing migraine specialists, we had never even HEARD of Occipital Neuralgia until we saw a Dr recently who knew what it was.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Just heard from the stbx. She has seen her lawyer and has admitted adultery, but she is filing for divorce against me on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour". This is standard but it isn't fair that it should be me in the firing line. I do not have the money for a solicitor, at all. I have just found out that the one I was talking to has changed their story about claiming the costs from her.

I feel horrible. sweating profusely. What a nasty thing to do to somebody. I suppose it's normal for her.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I know there are exercises you can do to lessen the vertigo effects. Also, have you tried the CEPHALY machine -- it helps a lot in blocking migraines (may still have a headache, but it usually doesn't progress).
> Also, has a Neurologist ruled out PHYSICAL issues --- like Occipital Neuralgia? My son had this type of migraine for years. The vertigo was very much helped by exercises he does every day.
> He was just recently diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia. He had an injection to the nerves in his neck and it has been a tremendous improvement.
> I know, I'm not a Dr and impossible to diagnose this stuff from a few comments on a forum, but I figured i'd put it out there in case you haven't pursed any of these items. After years of seeing migraine specialists, we had never even HEARD of Occipital Neuralgia until we saw a Dr recently who knew what it was.


Thanks for the suggestions.

One of the most classic misinterpretations of Migraine Associated Vertigo or Vestibular Migraine, is that a headache has to be present. It doesn't. People have never suffered with migraine and yet they are diagnosed with Vestibular Migraine without ever having a headache. It's the vertigo and dizziness side of things that is the issue here, not a headache. Apparently it's the nature of the migraine - no pain, just vertigo.

I haven't tried the CEPHALY machine, but if it is aimed as reducing pain, there is none. My symptoms doesn't fit with Occipital Neuralgia. Daily exercises for dizziness have not helped. I have also had deep muscular injections years ago before all this, for upper back pain after a martial arts injury, but that was 27 years prior to this happening.

All input helps, believe me I have gotten loads of ideas and things from other people mentioning stuff.

An example of how it works is like now. I have just heard from the wife that she is starting divorce proceedings and that she is going to file for "Unreasonable behaviour" against me. She has also admitted adultery. I feel awful now and that alone has increased my vertigo no-end ... still no headache though!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Thanks for the suggestions.
> 
> One of the most classic misinterpretations of Migraine Associated Vertigo or Vestibular Migraine, is that a headache has to be present. It doesn't. People have never suffered with migraine and yet they are diagnosed with Vestibular Migraine without ever having a headache. It's the vertigo and dizziness side of things that is the issue here, not a headache. Apparently it's the nature of the migraine - no pain, just vertigo.
> 
> ...


If you can record her saying that she committed adultery (NOT sure you can do that in the UK) you may have grounds to CHANGE the filing to adultery (or if she put that in text, you have the proof!)

Sucks about the Vestibular Migraine. They SUCK.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If you can record her saying that she committed adultery (NOT sure you can do that in the UK) you may have grounds to CHANGE the filing to adultery (or if she put that in text, you have the proof!)
> 
> Sucks about the Vestibular Migraine. They SUCK.


She has emailed me admitting Adultery, so I have it in writing. I can change the filing but I will need to pay the court costs as I then become the petitioner, as far as I'm aware. The good thing is, I have just done some research and it would appear that I am exempt from paying the court fee because of my lack of income. So it may be an option. I'd have to do it myself though, rather than go through a solicitor, which is a bit of a pain.

VM - Yes they do suck. You are completely on-point with that one...


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I've been thinking that it would probably be more pertinent for me to request that divorce proceedings be delayed for a short while. It's been only 2 weeks and it's gone from her leaving out of the blue, to shacking up with somebody else and applying for a divorce! Two weeks. I still haven't come to terms with that emotionally yet, let alone everything else I'm having to sort out.

In the meantime I'm having to try to come to terms with things, claim benefits, cope with my health condition which is exacerbated by stress (and she knows it) and sort out benefits.

I think that the ONLY option here is for me to cash in my pension, I can see no other way to gain access to money. Then I have to cancel my benefits and live on my pension money - 2-3 years tops. So I have a little time to see if I can create some for of income stream. If I can do this, then the pension money doesn't get eaten away, but it won't be growing either.

Is there merit is requesting a slow down on the divorce? Surely she's not in that much hurry to get married again?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> PLEASE do not cash in your pension or savings for retirement.
> 
> Those monies are for retirement, not for TODAY.
> 
> ...


Ok, so I have found out after a long phone call, that there is an option open to me called a 'Flexible' option. I can take 25% as a tax free lump sum and then leave the rest in there to grow.

So that satisfies my requirements nicely and will give me some flexibility to move and fund divorce proceedings.

I shall email the stbxWife and ask her to hold off of filing for a short while while I get organized.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> I've been thinking that it would probably be more pertinent for me to request that divorce proceedings be delayed for a short while. It's been only 2 weeks and it's gone from her leaving out of the blue, to shacking up with somebody else and applying for a divorce! Two weeks. I still haven't come to terms with that emotionally yet, let alone everything else I'm having to sort out.
> 
> In the meantime I'm having to try to come to terms with things, claim benefits, cope with my health condition which is exacerbated by stress (and she knows it) and sort out benefits.
> 
> ...


Sorry buddy, but she’s not gonna slow down and YES, they get that much in a hurry to get married again.

you are seemingly shell shocked and unwilling to accept the obvious. Attorney. The only person that can help you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sorry buddy, but she’s not gonna slow down and YES, they get that much in a hurry to get married again


Why? I can't understand any of this really. I suppose I never will.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t try to. No, you never will. See an attorney, take care of yourself. Accept your faults in the relationship, move on, do NOT accept blame where you aren’t at fault.
It happens. Don’t think it’s all on you, or that your life is over. You’ll see this as a gift one day, most likely.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t try to. No, you never will. See an attorney, take care of yourself. Accept your faults in the relationship, move on, do NOT accept blame where you aren’t at fault.


It is hard not to blame yourself. I suppose it's the way that she 'disappeared' makes it _seem_ like she is blaming you by leaving. Whereas it's just that she wants a different life with a different person, perhaps?



Evinrude58 said:


> It happens. Don’t think it’s all on you, or that your life is over.


Are you a mind reader?  This is exactly what I've been thinking.



Evinrude58 said:


> You’ll see this as a gift one day, most likely.


I'll welcome that day if it ever arrives.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Why? I can't understand any of this really. I suppose I never will.


Unless you become a mind reader you will never really know.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Unless you become a mind reader you will never really know.


New career then. I wonder how many relationships actually do stand the test of time. I really didn't think I would be part of the divorce statistic that's for sure.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Doesn't she have to support you right now? Like, a main breadwinner man can't just leave a household and leave his wife with no access to money. That's in the US. I can't imagine there isn't a similar thing in the UK. I'd see an attorney ASAP to ask about that. Or get a free legal aid consult somewhere. There must be some organization that can help abandoned spouses who were cut off from funds.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Doesn't she have to support you right now? Like, a main breadwinner man can't just leave a household and leave his wife with no access to money. That's in the US. I can't imagine there isn't a similar thing in the UK. I'd see an attorney ASAP to ask about that. Or get a free legal aid consult somewhere. There must be some organization that can help abandoned spouses who were cut off from funds.


Yes there is, it's called Spousal Maintenance, but that's part of the divorce and I'm not sure if that can be paid immediately. I was talking to a lawyer yesterday who passed comment about this maintenance being a be flaky and that I "might well be lucky".

She raided my money in the joint savings account without me knowing and put 1,500GBP in there and she said she kept the same amount. (that money was for my dental claim and for work that I may need for my teeth). However she drew out an extra 990 that she kept. She has also stated that she will pay the rent + bills until the end of August. So I have to use the 1,500 for everything. Then I'll be homeless. She has cancelled the organic food order without notice and I am no longer able to go to the much needed osteopath for my back. I haven't got the funds to have my required 3-monthly hygienist appointment and I haven't got any funds for a lawyer. Legal Aid was discontinued here in 2013 for Divorce and it's now very much a DIY affair for those with little or no funds.

A lawyer I paid 150GBP to for an hour consultation, told me that she was confident that I could claim legal costs from the wife. However, when I later requested in an email whether this is still an option if I were to instruct them and how it would work, they responded that it is likely the courts would see that she is doing her bit paying the rent and bills, so they probably wouldn't get her to pay my costs. Then they said they would charge me £190+tax for responding to my email.

So I'm in a bit of a rock and a hard place really. I am waiting for a call back from a legal company who provide info over a phone call for free, but they haven't called yet and I had an outstanding call back waiting from a legal firm who I contacted yesterday in regard to legal aid, as an article on their website says it's not quite true. No call back and I cannot seem to contact them today and can't leave voice messages as mailboxes are full.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Found this, which is exactly my experience - Spousal Abandonment Syndrome: Spousal Abandonment Syndrome | Marriage.com

For me the wife was a lawyer, I was the other man previously, the home revolved around her, I viewed my wife as an upstanding professional ad praised her for it! This is scary and seems closer than Walk-Away Wife Syndrome.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’ve got to find a way to get a job, change your own life for the better, get out, and forget your STBXW. You’re pain shopping now and although I understand it, it isn’t helpful.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’ve got to find a way to get a job, change your own life for the better, get out, and forget your STBXW. You’re pain shopping now and although I understand it, it isn’t helpful.


Yes, I am doing that but it all takes time and it's a bit slow as I'm dealing with the system. I can't work as an employee due to Vestibular Migraine & associated pituitary tumour, but I agree I need to somehow create an income and I have been thinking seriously about that.

I wish I had the magic potion to FORGET about her though. I have just sat through a panic attack an hour or so back. It's silly. Never heard of "Pain Shopping", but I see it as educating myself. I was actually looking for the law on being abandoned by a spouse and what can be done immediately. I found a company in London that offers fixed fee Abandoned Spouses | Duncan Lewis | Duncan Lewis, then I researched the term. So I wasn't hunting for pain, I don't think.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

A bit off topic, but have you been muscle tested to see what foods you may be allergic to? My daughter was having those migraines almost every day. I took her to a chiro that specialized in Kinesiology and found out she was allergic to ham and high fructose and preservatives. She hasn't has a migraine in 10 years.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

gold5932 said:


> A bit off topic, but have you been muscle tested to see what foods you may be allergic to? My daughter was having those migraines almost every day. I took her to a chiro that specialized in Kinesiology and found out she was allergic to ham and high fructose and preservatives. She hasn't has a migraine in 10 years.


No I haven't. However, mine isn't migraine either, it's Vestibular Migraine. The migraine hasn't got to be present, it's weird. Interesting though. I went plant-based for 2 years to take all processed foods and toxins out of my diet. Nothing different. So, I did a 7 day water fast. Nothing changed. I would have thought that I would have seen some difference. I shall keep that in mind though, it sounds like it may be worth exploring some more after all this crubbish is sorted! Cheers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My buddy prescribed me some Zoloft and I took it for a couple of months and it helped a lot with the anxiety. The anxiety, helplessness, fear, etc associated with this stuff can’t be overestimated.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> My buddy prescribed me some Zoloft and I took it for a couple of months and it helped a lot with the anxiety. The anxiety, helplessness, fear, etc associated with this stuff can’t be overestimated.


I was on antidepressants years back, prior to this happening the first time. They almost ruined my life. I was on citalopram (SSRI) here in the UK, because of work anxiety. Then I lost my job and the anxiety was no longer there. The Dr said to stay on them and I did. Turned me into a zombie. So depressed it wasn't funny. Came off them and everything started to become clearer, then the wife left for 9 months & felt everything! Not been back on them since and feeling it again now, or course. It's a shame there's not a natural solution.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As someone suggested earlier in the thread, sell everything and use the money to protect yourself and move forward. You have her possessions, joint possessions, etc. you need to take control of everything you can take control of, and protect your interests.

Refusing to sell her/joint possessions - to help get yourself out of this existential disaster that your betrayer wife dumped on you - it’s not admirable, it’s not principled, it’s just weak and timid. 
You still don’t seem to understand that you are at war - which she declared on you with a vile sneak attack. 
She has already crushed you emotionally, she will not hesitate to crush you in any / every other way if it benefits her to do so. She is your enemy now. She chose this path and I assure you she won’t hesitate to act accordingly. She already has.

You need to start fighting aggressively and decisively and ruthlessly, with everything you have at your disposal - right now. If you don’t, you will be completely destroyed by this.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

She has been soooo kind and generous for so many years ! Enough and enough. 

Bless the lord, you had her supporting for so many years ! Please let her go now !!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

fluffycoco said:


> She has been soooo kind and generous for so many years ! Enough and enough.
> 
> Bless the lord, you had her supporting for so many years ! Please let her go now !!


I’m curious . Do you know the situation personally?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

fluffycoco said:


> She has been soooo kind and generous for so many years ! Enough and enough.
> 
> Bless the lord, you had her supporting for so many years ! Please let her go now !!


Yes she has been supporting for many years and I too have been supporting of her. It hasn't been a one-way street. Let her go? Yes, she has admitted Adultery - I can't go back from that, so I will have to let her go.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> As someone suggested earlier in the thread, sell everything and use the money to protect yourself and move forward. You have her possessions, joint possessions, etc. you need to take control of everything you can take control of, and protect your interests.


Yes we have some possessions, but they're not worth that much as we've had them years. I aim at making a list of the things that I need then I will look to sell the remainder.



DudeInProgress said:


> Refusing to sell her/joint possessions - to help get yourself out of this existential disaster that your betrayer wife dumped on you - it’s not admirable, it’s not principled, it’s just weak and timid.


I have to be careful here, as we live in a very small town. Listing things online to sell, she will see them. We really haven't got a lot, it's just the stuff we use to live. I have a lot of other things that I will be selling. A friend of mine is basically saying a similar thing.



DudeInProgress said:


> You still don’t seem to understand that you are at war - which she declared on you with a vile sneak attack.
> She has already crushed you emotionally, she will not hesitate to crush you in any / every other way if it benefits her to do so. She is your enemy now. She chose this path and I assure you she won’t hesitate to act accordingly. She already has.


I think I'm getting it. I just don't get how somebody can change and act like this so quickly. So cold, callous and vindictive - all out of the blue. Pushing for divorce within 2 weeks too. My choice would be to get out of this house and situation ASAP. If I could borrow some money to do that, then I would. But I have to wait a few weeks. Enough time to get the house sorted and things sold I suppose.



DudeInProgress said:


> You need to start fighting aggressively and decisively and ruthlessly, with everything you have at your disposal - right now. If you don’t, you will be completely destroyed by this.


But in order to do this I would need a lawyer and in order to have a lawyer I would need access to money to employ one. I do get it though and I certainly won't be letting her walk all over me. However, she has all the cards, works for the legal firm and has unlimited supply of legal help and knowledge - all for free! Contrast that to what I have - nothing.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Smilieman said:


> I have to be careful here, as we live in a very small town. Listing things online to sell, she will see them. We really haven't got a lot, it's just the stuff we use to live. I have a lot of other things that I will be selling. A friend of mine is basically saying a similar thing.


Why? Who cares if she sees them at this point. She’s not playing nice, don’t pretend that you are. And don’t.

She works for a law firm and you don’t have much in the way of possessions? Sounds a bit odd. Has she no jewelry, collectibles, expensive purses, extra electronics, computers, expensive house items, etc?



Smilieman said:


> I think I'm getting it. I just don't get how somebody can change and act like this so quickly. So cold, callous and vindictive - all out of the blue.


Doesn’t matter, stop wasting your time and mental energy on this. It’s not helpful, you need to stay focused on what you need to do now. There will be time to ponder that later.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Why? Who cares if she sees them at this point. She’s not playing nice, don’t pretend that you are. And don’t.


Good Point!



DudeInProgress said:


> She works for a law firm and you don’t have much in the way of possessions? Sounds a bit odd. Has she no jewelry, collectibles, expensive purses, extra electronics, computers, expensive house items, etc?


No we don't. We've always lived cheaply as possible. I have never wanted too much, clothes, etc, since I didn't want to be a burden on finances while I have been unable to work. She's always had cheap jewellery from the supermarket or market stalls, cheap dresses and handbags. She has a MacBook air and has taken that with her and I brought her her phone for her birthday. All our house items are cheap and we have had most of them 19 years. So nothing of note, no. Many would see it as junk.

I do wonder, if she has been having an affair for a while, if it wasn't part of the plan to save loads of money in order to implement the plan / buy a house / rent something / get a different car, etc. Therefore she has maybe been pretending not to have a lot of money left over each month. Probably been a long-drawnout plan over a few years or many months, as she obviously isn't in the need for her clothes.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

What a crap day! I've been in nothing but a panic all morning. Keep thinking about this situation and how I can't find a way out of it, no matter how hard I try. The only 2 people that I can talk to aren't contactable today (probably pee'd off with listening to my rubbish life problems) and I feel so isolated and not sure what to do. Yep, 55 years old, acting like a little lost child. How embarrassing. I am amazed though at the intricacies of her plan and how she has basically left the house with everythig still here to give the impression she was coming back. It's obvious now - she has been building a new house and a new wardrobe over months, if not years . It's cold, callous and calculated and not a nice way to treat anybody.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Smilieman said:


> What a crap day! I've been in nothing but a panic all morning. Keep thinking about this situation and how I can't find a way out of it, no matter how hard I try.


This might be a stupid idea, but have you considered just asking your wife for the money for the lawyer? “Wife, please deposit $X,XXX in my account for my solicitor so we don’t experience any delays with the divorce petition.” Phrasing it that way makes it a benefit to her. Worth a shot anyway.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> This might be a stupid idea, but have you considered just asking your wife for the money for the lawyer? “Wife, please deposit $X,XXX in my account for my solicitor so we don’t experience any delays with the divorce petition.” Phrasing it that way makes it a benefit to her. Worth a shot anyway.


Well, funny you should say that.....

I paid £150 ($212) for an hour consultation with a lawyer a week or so ago. There were various points that were discussed. I brought up whether it was plausible to get my wife to pay my legal costs due to 1) Her being a Senior Associate (almost Partner) of the legal firm she works for and gets all of her advice and work done for free, and 2) She has withdrawn monetary support from the relationship where she has been solely providing that for 7 years, seeing as I had to give up work as an IT Contractor due to ill-health.

I had not instructed them at this stage.

I sent an email a week later giving them information that they needed to know and asked them that before I instructed them, are they certain that they would be able to recover costs from my wife and how the logistic of that would work. They eventually responded, after I chased, as few days later by saying that it is not likely that they would be able to recover costs as my wife has offered to pay for the house rent and bills for 3 months, so the courts would see this as reasonable.

However, seeing as she has been the sole income earner for that period of time, then she is obliged to supply certain financial support to me, however she is not doing so. So things like the running of the house, my regular osteopath & hygienist treatments, etc have all stopped because she has gone. This comes under Spousal Maintenance (Alimony), but in order to sort this out, I need to employ a lawyer first and they ALL need money up-front. Literally I have just spoken to another one who says exactly the same thing!

This situation is impossible and it's driving me insane!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

But she STOLE YOUR MONEY -- did you mention that to the lawyer? Her paying for 3 months rent doesn't change the fact that she has taken all of the money and left you destitute.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> But she STOLE YOUR MONEY -- did you mention that to the lawyer? Her paying for 3 months rent doesn't change the fact that she has taken all of the money and left you destitute.


I've been thinking about that today and I need to access the shared account (that has £50 left in it). In January 2020 I put 16k in there. Yes, we used a few thousand to get a few bits and supplement here income over the 18 months we have been here, but the entire lot his gone. I've been thinking about this all day. There should have been around 10k in there. She is the only one who has been able to log into that account, as I never got my login details and I never really needed them. I reckon she hid them. I have them now but don't dare to log on. Her current account is the 'approved account' to transfer money from the savings account.

I think I've been played for a long time. And there was me thinking that I was helping contribute. Pure evil I think, although I can't prove anything and I'm just guessing at the moment.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You realize you have kinda set yourself up for your wife leaving you. May not be your fault, but you don’t have a job, you’re depressed, you cannot take care of yourself and you even need your wife to take care of your health issues. That’s a lot to sign on for.

you were an IT person? You’re typing here. What kind of physical labor does IT entail?

I tealuze your health problems may be out of your control, but your wife has been married to what she probably perceives as a parent child type thing.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You realize you have kinda set yourself up for your wife leaving you. May not be your fault, but you don’t have a job, you’re depressed, you cannot take care of yourself and you even need your wife to take care of your health issues. That’s a lot to sign on for.


Well maybe. But until I had that extremelly violent vertigo attack that completely changed my/our lives, I was an IT Contractor earning a fair bit, so it's not like I'm a lazy git or anything.

"you're depressed" - Sorry, but no I am not depressed in the slightest and I've never said that I was. I can take care of myself, just not financially, although I would have been able to if the shared account wasn't depleted. How is my wife taking care of my health issues? She's {was} there for me, but there's not a lot else to do.

I fully get your angle though and I must agree. It's just that absolutely none of this is my fault.



Evinrude58 said:


> you were an IT person? You’re typing here. What kind of physical labor does IT entail?


Yes I was. My contracts were largelly servers stuff and support. However, I cannot spend too much time infront of a screen these days, maybe 20 mins tops in one go and then I need a break for an hour or so and do something else. Otherwise my neck goes stiff and my upper back, and because I need to wear reading glasses, it makes my head feel weird as soon as I put them on. Both of these things can start of a vertigo attack if I'm not careful.

Typing on a PC at home has the same issues, apart from I can just type something then get up and go do something else after 5 minutes. As we speak, my upper back is killing me after sitting here for 10 mins. I can't hold down a traditional job like that. Also, I wake up dizzy most days and feel rubbish until mid-afternoon. Half the time I can't think straight. Therefore I wouldn't be reliable going to work. I'd only be there a day or two a week.

Sorry, no excuses, just the truth. This is horrible



Evinrude58 said:


> I tealuze your health problems may be out of your control, but your wife has been married to what she probably perceives as a parent child type thing.


Yeah, I'll agree with that, even though neither of us acted in such a way, I suppose I can see how she would perceive that to be the case. Nothing more to add.

HOWEVER. I did have a conversation with the doctor today about my condition and discussed the treatment that the neurologist had suggested in 2017. I tried them all, apart from the last one as I was told by a previous doctor that it was an anti-depressant and those had almost ruined my life before - suicidal thoughts, depression, extreme sadness. Came off them and all ok for years. We discussed this last medication that I haven't tried yet and it IS NOT an anti-depressant but another epilepsy medication. So that'll be worth a go. I want to get all this stuff out of the way first though, incase the side-effects were like the last one - a paranoidal nightmare!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I really hate this for you. You seem like an intelligent man and you are able to see others perspective...... I really just don’t know what to say to help you. These attorneys you see are just totally unhelpful and seem interested only in their fees. They haven’t helped you at all. Your wife is gone. She’s not going to help you unless forced by law. She likely has that all sewed up via her legal contacts and status also. I just don’t know what to say.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I really hate this for you. You seem like an intelligent man and you are able to see others perspective...... I really just don’t know what to say to help you. These attorneys you see are just totally unhelpful and seem interested only in their fees. They haven’t helped you at all. Your wife is gone. She’s not going to help you unless forced by law. She likely has that all sewed up via her legal contacts and status also. I just don’t know what to say.


Thank you for your sentiment, it is difficult and there probably is nothing that can be said.

I spoke to another lawyer this afternoon to gauge options, he literally wouldn't even talk with me on the telephone unless I gave him £120 for advice. I told him that I was not asking for advice, but trying to explain the situation so that he can tell me what options his company may have for me. He said that if I didn't have money to pay them up-front, then they couldn't help me and hung up.

Now this is a local company and they just may have pee'd of the last person they wanted too! Obnoxious.

I just need a break and to be able to get a lawyer that will take payment a little way down the road and after my pension payment comes out. It seems so simple, but so hard to find - like rocking horse sh*t. I do have options though and will probably opt for a paralegal in the first stages, I should have enough money for 3-4 hours of work if they are efficient.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

@Smilieman have you been in touch with the Citizens Advice Bureau? They will let you know all benefits you are entitled to like universal credit, pip, housing benefit etc. They will help you fill in forms so less stressful and they will probably be able to give you advice on the divorce, and help with forms etc. Also credit union is good for a loan and no interest to pay back. If you are receiving universal credit, then credit union will take a small amount out to pay back each week/month. You don't notice it because it's small amounts. Once loan payed back you can get another one. Look up credit union in your area. I'm in the UK so feel free to message me and I will give advice the best I can. I've just had to apply for universal credit myself and they have been very helpful. They told me to apply for pip. Sorry you are going through this. Take a few days to destress then contact the citizens advice. Don't go paying any solicitors yet. See what the cab advise.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> @Smilieman have you been in touch with the Citizens Advice Bureau? They will let you know all benefits you are entitled to like universal credit, pip, housing benefit etc. They will help you fill in forms so less stressful and they will probably be able to give you advice on the divorce, and help with forms etc. Also credit union is good for a loan and no interest to pay back. If you are receiving universal credit, then credit union will take a small amount out to pay back each week/month. You don't notice it because it's small amounts. Once loan payed back you can get another one. Look up credit union in your area. I'm in the UK so feel free to message me and I will give advice the best I can. I've just had to apply for universal credit myself and they have been very helpful. They told me to apply for pip. Sorry you are going through this. Take a few days to destress then contact the citizens advice. Don't go paying any solicitors yet. See what the cab advise.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Thanks for the info & the sentiment. I'm also sorry this has taken place, but I suppose you can't (nor would you want to) control other people. I just wish that they had a tad bit of respect for the person who's life they are ruining, well, trying to.

I contacted the CAB right at the start of all this and they have been absolutely brilliant. A guy spent 3 hours on the phone helping me apply for UC and PIP - just got the PIP form to complete this week, but I've had to request medical notes & specialist reports to accompany it. UC is sorted out and due to be paid in first week of July "If I'm eligible" which it looks like I am, so that will be ok.

Didn't know about Credit Union, so will look at that, although I think I have found a solution to pay for some of my legal costs to start with. I have to investigate a bit more and work things out, but it'll give me a start. I would rather not get a loan and have to pay that out of my UC each month if I don't need to.

The CAB didn't talk so much or give options for housing, apart from that the local council could sort that out but they would only house me in this area. Now, that's not an option for me as this area is dominated by my wife's firm and she gets around all of the branches, and ventures out to clients homes. So, I could bump into her anywhere. Seeing as it's country a lot round here, all the larger towns and villages are the place to go by everyone. So I risk bumping into her with her new other half. I'm not kidding when I say that will do me in more than I am already. So I want to move to a different part of the country. The option is that you could move to somewhere you have family, so I could always go and stay near my step-brother, if he wanted me in his domain. I'm still looking at options.

I have a free legal phone call arranged by the CAB, but this isn't until another week and a half. Unfortunately the wife's lawyer will be sending out a letter to me at some point - probably next week as the wife wants to get divorced at a super-rapid rate for some unknown reason. Maybe a condition of her new relationship, or she's pregnant and wants to be married before it's born, who knows! Only been gone less than 2 weeks before she started talking about that. I find that very strange.

I do find this a bit coercive, given that she knows I haven't got any money (as she took it all) and that she knows I'll be an emotional mess and she putting the pressure on. What have I ever done to deserve this type of treatment?

Thanks for the offer to contact directly, I may do that if I get stuck. Please do the same if I can assist also. Haven't done PIP yet, but I shall be working on that next week. Apparently I have been told by an advisor woman, to not put anything about your good days in there. Focus on the bad days and make them sing! That's what she said - good luck!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Unfortunately the wife's lawyer will be sending out a letter to me at some point - probably next week as the wife wants to get divorced at a super-rapid rate for some unknown reason.


Tell her tough sh*t -- when she gives back your money, then you can talk. Until then, you are signing NOTHING.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Tell her tough sh*t -- when she gives back your money, then you can talk. Until then, you are signing NOTHING.


Crikey I wish I had an attitude like that! Perhaps I've become a bit of a walkover in my old-age? Yes, very good point. I need to get logged on to this account this weekend as I've had the stuff come through the post now. I'm dreading it really, to find out how 16k has gone in a year and a half and i've never been able to log on to the account. It's getting obvious that she discarded my login information when it arrived, as the bank tells me that they always send it in the post. My wife tried to suggest that maybe I had deleted the email! Gotcha!

I shall make it my mission to have a look this weekend.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

It's another bad day today. I wonder how long I can be like this. In a panic, feeling desperately isolated and alone. I feel weak now, like I've had my heart and guts pulled out from inside me. All I can think of is how she is probably happy in her new life and happy that she is now rid of me, once and for all. This is Karma for me as I was part of her leaving her previous boyfriend to be with me. I know it is and now I know how he must have felt 19 years ago when she left him and he came home from work and saw she was gone. I know then, that she didn't think twice about it. It would appear it is what she does. Although that time she took all of her belongings, this time she has left them all behind to discard her old life completely.

Sorry, I'm just find it tough the past few days. Thanks for listening...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> In January 2020 I put 16k in there.


Where did you get the money? Is it possible you can revisit that source?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Where did you get the money? Is it possible you can revisit that source?


It was a legal settlement from a claim that I had against a rogue dentist. 19k in all. 3k I used to secure the deposit + 1 month rent for this house to move over here to be near the wife's work.

I don't understand what you mean by revisiting the source? I know where it came from. I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it. Bad bad day today....Sorry


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since it was a settlement, then no, the source can't be revisited. You can however prove your wife is guilty of financial infidelity as she stole your settlement money. Do you have a credit card you can use for an attorney?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Since it was a settlement, then no, the source can't be revisited. You can however prove your wife is guilty of financial infidelity as she stole your settlement money.


It may be not that straight forward. We agreed to use some of it for various things, but I wanted to keep a decent amount in there incase I needed it for work on my teeth. She only had access to the account and it was linked to her current account. I was fine with that as it was only possible to have one current account linked to the savings account, and I trusted her.

Every now and then after we had used some, for an unexpected expense such as the car going wrong, I asked her how much was left. She told me and I had no reason to believe her.

Now it is in question because she said that she took out what ws in the account and split it half each 1,500 x 2. However, when I called the bank the final amount she withdraw was 4,990 which is not 3,000 as she said. When I asked her about how much money she withdrew she said that she had evenly shared it. When I told her that I had spoken to the bank and they told me she had withdrawn 4,990, she said "Did I?", acting all surprised.

When I told her that I had never received my login information to the bank account, she told me that I had probably deleted the email. I said that the women at the bank said that they only send it by post. She opens all the post!

So now I wonder if over the past year and a half this has been in planning and she has slowly syphoned this money to set up a new life elsewhere. She will need to account for all of it, but I can't trust her now because of the 2 statements that she made in our recent conversation about the matter. So now I wonder.



Blondilocks said:


> Do you have a credit card you can use for an attorney?


No. But I am currently trying to withdraw my crypto currency, so I can use that. I shouldn't have to though, as I would have had enough of my dental claim money to cover it.

Sorry about the long response, but I thought I'd better explain.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

UPDATE

So I checked the accounts today.......

... found that only £8,000 of £15,534 got transferred over to it. So £7,534 seems to have gone awry from her account.

My bank statement shows that I transferred all my Dental Claim money totalling £19,034, in 3 separate amounts as soon as I received them from the lawyers who were dealing with my claim. The idea was for the wife to put it in the "savings pot" part that was linked to her current account. That was all done in Nov.'19, Dec.'19 & Feb.'20. £2,550 was for the house deposit and first month rent.

So a total of £8,484 went unaccounted for in her account prior to the shared savings account being opened (Aug.'20) between Feb.'20 and Aug.'20. Rent would have totalled £6,300 for that period, so what went missing was more than the rent for here. So, £16,484 should have gone into the Shared savings account when in was opened in August.

No wonder my log in information was never received by me - thrown out I suppose!

We spent about £4,000 which was accounted for of the money in the savings, leaving £4,000 (which should have really been £12,484). 

She said she left £50 in the account - She left £10

She said she split it up and gave me half - I got £1,500 - she withdrew £4,227.32 (50% - £2,113.66)

When I challenged her initially when she told me she split it 50/50, I said that I only got £1,500 and should drew over £4,000 out of the account - "Did I?" she said.

No wonder all of her clothes and everything are still here. She has got new ones - walked out of her old life and straight into her new one.

I feel like I've been played like a fiddle - so much for putting your trust in somebody you love, your wife, 19 years of building a relationship and I get exploited. For no reason.

Now it is understandable why she wants a divorce. She has been waiting. She knows the cash values of my pensions and she wants to cash in to support her new life and her new man.

I married a really nice person then, didn't I?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You haven’t worked in 7 yrs. Are you saying you’ve been paying the bills all this time? You feel she owes you a lot of money?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You haven’t worked in 7 yrs. Are you saying you’ve been paying the bills all this time? You feel she owes you a lot of money?


No, not at all. I'm saying that she has been dishonest and calculating. Has seemingly betrayed trust and committed theft and fraud. That's what it seems like anyway.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Figure up what you think she stole from you and bluff her. Tell her that you have been in contact with a forensic accountant and unless she returns those funds that you will retain that person and pursue legal action against her.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Figure up what you think she stole from you and bluff her. Tell her that you have been in contact with a forensic accountant and unless she returns those funds that you will retain that person and pursue legal action against her.


A good tactic and one that I can use if need be. I think the first stage is just to outline the discoveries and ask for an explanation for clarification, with evidence. I don't want to lie simply because her lawyer may ask to see the report.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Crikey I wish I had an attitude like that! Perhaps I've become a bit of a walkover in my old-age? Yes, very good point. I need to get logged on to this account this weekend as I've had the stuff come through the post now. I'm dreading it really, to find out how 16k has gone in a year and a half and i've never been able to log on to the account. It's getting obvious that she discarded my login information when it arrived, as the bank tells me that they always send it in the post. My wife tried to suggest that maybe I had deleted the email! Gotcha!
> 
> I shall make it my mission to have a look this weekend.


Also, setup your OWN account so any money you have coming in goes THERE so she has no access.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> UPDATE
> 
> So I checked the accounts today.......
> 
> ...


You really need to go after her for stealing your money here. What she is doing is not just WRONG it's illegal.
I would make this the first thing your lawyer does when you get one...


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Also, setup your OWN account so any money you have coming in goes THERE so she has no access.


Already did that!  I have also contacted my pension people which was triggered (only a very small amount) and requested a change of bank details. It was due to be paid in to the other "joint account" that she set up just 2 weeks before she went! She promised she wouldn't touch it .... errr .... and I believe her? I've already told her she has destroyed all trust.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You really need to go after her for stealing your money here. What she is doing is not just WRONG it's illegal.
> I would make this the first thing your lawyer does when you get one...


Yes, I shall. It made me feel quite ill actually thinking that she could co-ordinate that against me when all I have been is nice to her and loved her. Talk about betrayal at every level, sexually, emotionally, financially, ethically. She definately does not understand Natural Law - "Cause no loss, harm or injury to others". I still firmly believe in Karma and I wonder when it's gonna come cashing in for her. Probably never will.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Thanks for the info & the sentiment. I'm also sorry this has taken place, but I suppose you can't (nor would you want to) control other people. I just wish that they had a tad bit of respect for the person who's life they are ruining, well, trying to.
> 
> I contacted the CAB right at the start of all this and they have been absolutely brilliant. A guy spent 3 hours on the phone helping me apply for UC and PIP - just got the PIP form to complete this week, but I've had to request medical notes & specialist reports to accompany it. UC is sorted out and due to be paid in first week of July "If I'm eligible" which it looks like I am, so that will be ok.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you are going in the right direction. Glad the cab were helpful. I have to ring pip myself and get the ball rolling. Universal credit told me I should apply. I've had a fit note for the next 6 months from my dr which universal credit told me I won't need the regular job hunting interviews. They have sent me medical forms which I have filled in. If you are unfit for work sort that out with them to take any pressure off you. They will also let me know of any local mental health support if I want it, and any other help and support. Yes when applying for pip put your worst days down. How your illness affects you on your worse days. Maybe we can compare and help each other fill in the forms when they arrive. Divorce is hard but even worse when dealing with chronic illnesses. I hope you can manage to get your money back that your wife seemed to use for herself. It does seem like she has been putting money away without you knowing, so she can start again. Try and find out where all your money went to. Ask the bank for statements from when the money went into account. There are some good groups on facebook where you can get good legal advice for free. If you do go on facebook for any advice use a different account so you can be anonymous though. There is also a group for pip/universal credit advice. Don't use your own name though because you get trolls in every group who will contact people on your Facebook. Sorry you aren't doing too good the past few days. When I find everything getting on top of me, I have a few days to focus on my self care. I'm surprised I'm still here lol after all the stress of the past 7 or 8 years. The last 3 years being the worst. Just make sure you have time for yourself for some enjoyment or you will get more sick and run down. Wishing you the best and hope things will go as smoothly as possible for you.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> It sounds like you are going in the right direction. Glad the cab were helpful. I have to ring pip myself and get the ball rolling. Universal credit told me I should apply. I've had a fit note for the next 6 months from my dr which universal credit told me I won't need the regular job hunting interviews. They have sent me medical forms which I have filled in. If you are unfit for work sort that out with them to take any pressure off you.


Thanks for your information. I rang for PIP myself also, but the CAB put me on conference call as this was the day after my wife left. I was under so much stress that I just couldn't think. But we got it sorted. I've had a bit of an issue with my FitNote. The Dr. put it for 1 month and specified the reason as "anxiety, vertigo and migraine". Err no, not quite. This is what happens all of the time with GPs as they do not know about this condition.

I made another appointment to see the Dr yesterday so that I could discuss this further and educate them on Vestibular Migraine (Migraine Associated Vertigo). The Dr I saw was ok actually and he recognised that they know very little. He was under the impression that I had all of my symptoms because of my wife leaving. No! I said, I've had this bloody condition that I've been battling with for just over 7 years! He said next time I request a FitNote I can do one for 3 months and then another 3 months, then the government will get involved and medically assess me. I already had that conversation with my alleged "work coach" this week.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> They will also let me know of any local mental health support if I want it, and any other help and support.


Ah that's cool then. I called the Well-Being service the day after this happened as I know I don't handle this type of stuff well, especially when you've been left in a position where you are left with nothing, virtually overnight. One day ok, next day the opposite. 8-week wait for an appointment and all appointments over the phone or video call - seriously! I prefer face-to-face. It is tough though, you're right.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Maybe we can compare and help each other fill in the forms when they arrive.


Of course we can assist each other - anytime! I've got my form, came during the week. I have also requested medical records from the doctors. They say they have 40 days to get them to me. The PIP form says I have 30 days to send it back. I rang them explained the situation and got it extended to 60 days. The CAB are going to help fill mine out also, so they may help you if you need it. I shall be typing up all my stuff first though, so that I ave it for reference, as the form seems to need to be hand completed. You can also add supporting documentation.

I've had to contact the stbxwife requesting a statement from her (as she would have been there for the past 7 years) explaining how my condition affects my daily life, her first-hand experience and how it has affected her. She agreed to do this last week, so hopefully she will. I have emailed her tonight to push her and tell her I need it by early to mid-week next week, even though I don't. But I want to get it before I start responding to her solicitors letters, as my response may just P her off when I start requesting proof of spending.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I hope you can manage to get your money back that your wife seemed to use for herself. It does seem like she has been putting money away without you knowing, so she can start again.


So the funny thing here is, that she used to work with this girl called Julie. And Julie was married to an army guy. Julie used to tell my wife how she had and continually built up a "running away fund", just in case she needed to go. How do I know this? Well, I worked at the same place and was part of the conversation. That was before we got together too. So there's a common theme....it would seem.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Ask the bank for statements from when the money went into account.


I've got online banking so have the statements as PDFs - did that today.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> There are some good groups on facebook where you can get good legal advice for free. If you do go on facebook for any advice use a different account so you can be anonymous though. There is also a group for pip/universal credit advice.


That's interesting. I don't really use Facebook, but it looks like there may be some benefit. I suppose it's easy to set up another account. I may just do that!



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Sorry you aren't doing too good the past few days. When I find everything getting on top of me, I have a few days to focus on my self care. I'm surprised I'm still here lol after all the stress of the past 7 or 8 years. The last 3 years being the worst. Just make sure you have time for yourself for some enjoyment or you will get more sick and run down.


Cheers pal. I'd be interested what you mean by self-care. I'm not interested in doing anything I used to enjoy. I've lost so much weight I look feeble, this event has aged me in a few short weeks. I suppose the worst thing is I haven't really got a social circle since I stopped martial arts years back.

It's crap you;ve been going through a tough time - 8 years! Blimey that's a long time. Don't know what I'm gonna do for enjoyment now the wife is gone, have to get a call girl!  Kidding, can't afford them.....

Keep plodding on my friend and if you even need a chat, let me know. As the guy on 'The Exotic Marigold Hotel' quoted, "We'll get there in the end, and if we haven't got there, then it's not the end!" Fantastic quote.

Take it easy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Once you take a person back after a big betrayal, they pretty much know you'll do it again. I wouldn't be too comforted by that, however, and given circumstances have changed so much, I certainly wouldn't count on her returning. 

She probably really is hoping to find a better situation for herself and to leave, but that doesn't mean she WILL find a better situation. 

I am very sorry to hear about your health. I hope you are on Social Security Disability so that you get enough money to live on. If you really cannot work, you should qualify for some level of disability if you are in the U.S. Some of them make a decent living wage.

I don't know if having another working spouse can prevent you from qualifying. I wouldn't think so. But anyway, if you are in the US, you should apply. If not, you should see what is available to the disabled and get your finances in order. Best of luck here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Not in US. He flys the Union Jack.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Once you take a person back after a big betrayal, they pretty much know you'll do it again. I wouldn't be too comforted by that, however, and given circumstances have changed so much, I certainly wouldn't count on her returning.


I'm not counting on her returning. I need to move on now, I cannot do this again in my life.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I am very sorry to hear about your health. I hope you are on Social Security Disability so that you get enough money to live on. If you really cannot work, you should qualify for some level of disability if you are in the U.S. Some of them make a decent living wage.
> 
> I don't know if having another working spouse can prevent you from qualifying. I wouldn't think so. But anyway, if you are in the US, you should apply. If not, you should see what is available to the disabled and get your finances in order. Best of luck here.


As @Blondilocks has stated, I'm in the UK and I am applying for disability. You have to build a case so that's what my task for this week is. Let's see what happens.

Thanks for taking the time.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Not in US. He flys the Union Jack.


This is true - although in recent years it would seem they've renamed it to "The Union Flag"! Never got used to that being born in the 60's, so "Union Jack" it is!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> I'm not counting on her returning. I need to move on now, I cannot do this again in my life.
> 
> 
> As @Blondilocks has stated, I'm in the UK and I am applying for disability. You have to build a case so that's what my task for this week is. Let's see what happens.
> ...


Good luck with your disability case. Be sure and tell them you're losing your support. I'm sure it's just a cut-and-dry form to fill out, but add notes to it if possible. I know it's not easy. You'll need all kinds of doctor's affidavits, I imagine. Go prepared! I know vertigo is horrible. My mom had it some. She had a brain tumor, but they didn't do a brain scan until she was totally deteriorated, so be sure you have a brain scan!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good luck with your disability case. Be sure and tell them you're losing your support. I'm sure it's just a cut-and-dry form to fill out, but add notes to it if possible. I know it's not easy. You'll need all kinds of doctor's affidavits, I imagine. Go prepared! I know vertigo is horrible. My mom had it some. She had a brain tumor, but they didn't do a brain scan until she was totally deteriorated, so be sure you have a brain scan!


Thank you. I've had a couple of brain scans, that's how they found my pituitary tumour. Yes, I'll get prepared. The affidavit is a good idea. I'm not sure whether I need to go down that route initially though, although it may not hurt right at the outset. The wife said that she would write a statement seeing as she has been with me while I had this and has first-hand knowledge, however she hasn't replied to my email requesting her statment, so I have a feeling that she will not keep to her word.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

OK, so I have admitted defeat. I have realised I am not coping very well with this and I can't stop shaking or losing weight - a stone so far. I have made an appointment to see the doctor this morning and I may just have to give in to medication - whatever that may look like. This shaking takes too much effort. I really can't see a way out of this. Every step of the way it feels like I am constantly slipping down the side of a deep abyss while frantically trying to crawl my way out.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Diazepam it is then! Only short-term - one week - to try to break the cycle. I deeply hate the fact that somebody I loved and who was supposed to love me (and she even said this right up to the point of going), has driven me into this mess and all by her design.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Diazepam it is then! Only short-term - one week - to try to break the cycle. I deeply hate the fact that somebody I loved and who was supposed to love me (and she even said this right up to the point of going), has driven me into this mess and all by her design.


I can imagine the feeling of betrayal. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am genuinely hoping the best for you. I think airing your feelings here can have a positive impact. I'm very luck to not have any major issues, but even talking about the small stuff seems to make it easier to deal with, for me anyway. Maybe the same will be true for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Thank you. I've had a couple of brain scans, that's how they found my pituitary tumour. Yes, I'll get prepared. The affidavit is a good idea. I'm not sure whether I need to go down that route initially though, although it may not hurt right at the outset. The wife said that she would write a statement seeing as she has been with me while I had this and has first-hand knowledge, however she hasn't replied to my email requesting her statment, so I have a feeling that she will not keep to her word.


You should probably order a copy of your medical records and that might be all they need instead of an affidavit or letter from your doctor, but I'm thinking what they'll be looking for is something that says you can't work that comes from your doctor so you probably need to talk to your doctor about that and ask him if that's anywhere in your records in case you need it and that will be a hint that he should do something to write that down. I know in insurance cases they look for something from the doctor that says the person can't work when they're looking for a settlement from insurance.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You should probably order a copy of your medical records


I have done that last week. They can take up to 40 days to get them to me.



DownByTheRiver said:


> but I'm thinking what they'll be looking for is something that says you can't work that comes from your doctor so you probably need to talk to your doctor about that and ask him if that's anywhere in your records in case you need it and that will be a hint that he should do something to write that down


I know that there is nowhere that says that. Although I have mentioned it multiple times, the specialists don't really say much and the General Practitioner just don't understand the VM thing. I'll do my best and do what I can. I now that the benefits people will do a medical assessment and go down that route after a few months of me saying a can't work and requesting the relevant documentation (FitNote, aka Sick Note). Have to play it by ear I think.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I've been working through some stuff today, memories and present events. It seems so strange how I was shaking so much and having full-body convulsions, how my skin was so hot it was burning and I felt so cold, how my heart was continually pounding in my chest and my upper back in so much pain that it was as much as I could do to stand up straight. The pain in my gut was like I had been kicked and winded and I was sweating profusely and so restless that I couldn't sleep even though I felt so worn out. This was just a week ago.

These feelings are on the decline now. The shaking is still there despite being on tablets that are supposed to stop it, although it has calmed a fair bit. It is now 3 weeks since my wife left in a hurry, leaving absolutely everything behind, save her laptop, passport, car documents and important paperwork. Even her makeup, reading glasses, and ALL of her clothes are here, just as if she has popped out and will be home for dinner. But are these symptoms of stress and anxiety, really? Or could there be something more to this and more to the way I have had a whole plethora of symptoms that have ruined my life over the course of 7 years.

What happens to somebody who is addicted to drugs and then goes cold turkey? What are their symptoms? Similar to my symptoms above, that I {mistakingly?} took as anxiety maybe?

- Drug Withdrawal

Why do these symptoms seem to be wearing off as the time period gets longer since my wife left me for another person? Because I'm getting used to the idea, or could it be a different reason? Why can I think better, faster, more clearly? Why can I focus better than I could just a few days ago? My friend I spoke to said that my conversation is better and I don't keep losing what I was saying in a conversation like I have been. Why did the wife leave in a hurry the next morning after my legs gave way, I fell down the stairs and I couldn't walk for ages? Why is all her stuff still here and why has she not been back to collect it? Why did she empty the savings account the day before she told me she wasn't coming back? Why did she take out an life insurance policy for me a few years back? She is the sole beneficiary of my Will and she has Power of Attorney. Yes this is her level of expertise, but why? I don't have Power of Attorney over her! How come she controls all the bank accounts and finances? How come she opens all the post? Why did she open up a shared bank account for one of my pension funds to be paid into, and then triggered it to be cashed in?

I trusted her, but I don't like where my mind is going on this....if you get my drift.

Perhaps I haven't got Vestibular migraine after all, after 7 entire years of this, perhaps it's something more simple and the reason why I don't seem to be as dizzy as I was just a week or two ago - Vestibular Toxicity, perhaps? Now there's a thought.

- Vestibular Toxicity | Balance & Dizziness Canada

Things just don't add up. Am I being paranoid? Why have I got a pituitary tumour?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Make sure you get HER off the power of attorney, and also OFF the life insurance policy.
She is obviously a very controlling person and VERY manipulative -- she just was good at hiding it from you.
Make sure you pay attention to YOUR health, YOUR $$$$, YOUR issues. Forget her. She is gone, and not only that (you may not agree yet) she is EVIL to do what she did to you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Make sure you get HER off the power of attorney, and also OFF the life insurance policy.
> She is obviously a very controlling person and VERY manipulative -- she just was good at hiding it from you.
> Make sure you pay attention to YOUR health, YOUR $$$$, YOUR issues. Forget her. She is gone, and not only that (you may not agree yet) she is EVIL to do what she did to you.


I shall ... Passive agressive I think. But has she been drugging me all these years? Munchausen's by Proxy, perhaps? I had a realisation about 3 years back, that she was poisoning me. It made perfect sense and I could see it so clearly. I told her. She has been the sole consistent thing in my life since I've had this. However, I was under the influence of a drug called Epilim (Sodium Valporate) which was suggested by the neurologist for Vestibular Migraine. One of the side effects was paranoia - but was it really that making me have these thoughts?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

IF you think she is poisoning you, GET TO YOUR DR immediately and have blood work done for toxins.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> IF you think she is poisoning you, GET TO YOUR DR immediately and have blood work done for toxins.


I've checked and blood work would be useless three weeks on. Now, hair samples are the way to go for a toxicity screen. I think I may look into this tomorrow, as things from the past now start to makes sense, when they haven't before, under this lense.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well, she has been gone for 3 weeks -- are you feeling better? Can you look at a computer screen for longer than you used to?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Well, she has been gone for 3 weeks -- are you feeling better? Can you look at a computer screen for longer than you used to?


So, the shakes are getting less, although not completely gone. The pain in my neck and back which has always been really bad, is almost gone. My head that has felt like it's packed with cotton wool and feels as heavy as a bowling ball, feels a little more normal. Tinnitus is still there but calming right down. Dizziness is only now faint. The burning sensation on my skin has gone now and that was unbearable. Eyes I think may take longer due to wearing glasses, the entire shape of them may have changed. However, I am wearing my glasses now and have been for an hour - I can usually only wear them for 15 mins at a time!

So yes, things have changed. Would it happen this quite psychologically? Why was my skin so sore?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

So previously my wife agreed to write a statement for my disability claim. She also agreed that she would keep the lines of communication open. Now I need this statement, she has stopped communicating and has not replied to my email. I sent another one to her work also, and no reply.

This is seriously breaking me down, bit by bit. She goes back on everything she says and keeps kicking the boot in while I'm down.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is an attorney and is purposefully putting you in a bind so there’s little chance of her losing any of her money. You will get zero from her if she can help it. You’re going to need to learn how to be an attorney for yourself.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife is an attorney and is purposefully putting you in a bind so there’s little chance of her losing any of her money. You will get zero from her if she can help it. You’re going to need to learn how to be an attorney for yourself.


I'm not talking about money though, she agreed she would provide a statement for my disability claim, having lived with me thought this condition. She agreed to this and said she would, not she's gone dark like she did before, even though she said that she would keep communication channels open. It's ridiculous and very manipulative, unjust and unhonourable. She's basically a liar now, telling me what she thinks I want to hear to keep me on side. I feel that somebody else is pulling her strings here. I do not recognise her, I truly don't, after 19 years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Not pulling her strings, she’s just found someone else and could care less about you. You’ve got to accept that and move forward. It hurts, but you need to step up. Apparently you are the only one that can advocate for you.
She’s not going to break the silence. It has no benefit to her to do so.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not pulling her strings, she’s just found someone else and could care less about you. You’ve got to accept that and move forward. It hurts, but you need to step up. Apparently you are the only one that can advocate for you.
> She’s not going to break the silence. It has no benefit to her to do so.


You are right, I know, but I could never treat anybody in this way. I have loads of concerns after uncovering a few things that I am following up. All these need to be addressed. I am currently calling out to my doctor to see if there is any merit in performing a tox-screen. Seriously, I feel like I am paranoid saying this and it's like something out of a psychological drama, but I know that I am 100% serious. I have had concerns before over the past few years at various points, as I saw some patterning then. Now I wonder if these patterns are in fact true and I should have looked closer, rather than paying them a fleeting glance. Her leaving has highlighted that I could have been going through withdrawal and that was awful and hard to accept as a possibility. I hope I am wrong, I really do.

I am stepping up as best I can and certainly not being a pushover. But feeling crap like this is my achilles heel. I am just waiting for the communication to come through from her legal representative (which probably will say all contact through her). Then I can instruct my legal representative now that I have access to some funds via cashing in bitcoin investment and prior to pension payment being released, which I started sorting out yesterday. In the meantime, I am compiling a timeline/list of events together with evidence (bank account info, etc), so that my lawyer can get on to reply as soon as she is able after receipt of the letter.

Thank you for your ongoing comments. It helps put things into perspective.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you think she’s been poisoning you, have a test done. 
it wouldn’t be a wise thing for an attorney to do...


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you think she’s been poisoning you, have a test done.
> it wouldn’t be a wise thing for an attorney to do...


This is what I am arranging. I'm not sure though mate. I don't want to believe it, but somethings just don't make sense. It makes me look like a crazy, but believe you me I am not and it really pains me to say such things. The entire thing though raises too many questions. I truly hope I am 100% wrong on this, but the potential monetary fraud shows capability and willingness, so...I don't know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have your thyroid levels checked. Some of your symptoms sound like they could be caused by a hyperactive thyroid.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> I'm not talking about money though, she agreed she would provide a statement for my disability claim, having lived with me thought this condition. She agreed to this and said she would, not she's gone dark like she did before, even though she said that she would keep communication channels open. It's ridiculous and very manipulative, unjust and unhonourable. She's basically a liar now, telling me what she thinks I want to hear to keep me on side. I feel that somebody else is pulling her strings here. I do not recognise her, I truly don't, after 19 years.


You need to realize that your wife is the "enemy" now -- she is viewing this as a war and wants to beat you down.
STOP having ANYTHING to do with her, do NOT rely on her for anything.
Your Dr should be able to detail your issues enough for your disability. 
It sucks what she is doing, but obviously THIS is who she really is -- an AWFUL human being.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Has she openly expressed at some point to stop contacting her?

Or just going dark?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You need to realize that your wife is the "enemy" now -- she is viewing this as a war and wants to beat you down.
> STOP having ANYTHING to do with her, do NOT rely on her for anything.
> Your Dr should be able to detail your issues enough for your disability.
> It sucks what she is doing, but obviously THIS is who she really is -- an AWFUL human being.


You are right here, 100%. She is a total liar.

After she had agreed to provide a statement for me (which would have supported my claim), I received an email fro her today saying that her lawyer has told her that it not in "our" best interests and that the Doctors opinion would be enough - well her lawyer is wrong, as I have the claim form! So she has now back out and said that she will not be helping me support my claim. That is so cold and callous. After all those years knowing how this has affected my life, and she is going to ignore that and just cast me aside as she has done already? How could anybody with a heart and any morality, do that? How?

She does not do anything that doesn't suit her. No compassion, no empathy ... Dead inside, got to be!

I've said before, I no longer recognise the girl that I fell in love with, that I married and spent 19 years of my life with. And yes she is and Awful human being. I just hope that Karma really does exist.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Has she openly expressed at some point to stop contacting her?
> 
> Or just going dark?


Just going dark. Never has stated not to contact and promised to keep communication lines open - again, she lied. A liar can never be trusted and she has shown herself to be a master.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, she's interfering with you getting your disability? SO, no problem -- have your lawyer (who I hope is a shark) go after her tooth and nail for Spousal support -- she was making the $$, she stole all the assets (i HOPE they are going to nail her for this and make her give back the funds owed you). You make SURE she pays.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, she's interfering with you getting your disability? SO, no problem -- have your lawyer (who I hope is a shark) go after her tooth and nail for Spousal support -- she was making the $$, she stole all the assets (i HOPE they are going to nail her for this and make her give back the funds owed you). You make SURE she pays.


You know, I don't even know what I did to deserve being treated in this way, it astounds me really. But yes, she is interfering with my claim purposefully I would image to make my life even harder. The lawyers I spoke with are a group of women who seem quite vicious actually. I shall make sure that they know the score before we start and if they don't want to act for me and do what it takes, then I shall find another who does.

I'm drafting an email to them tonight, with reference to money transfers and dates, amounts and agreements (between me and the wife). How my joint account login details never arrived and how the wife told me I probably deleted the email, when the bank old me that they ONLY send them by post. I also got her to agree that she got her log on information by post. "yes" she said, so that confirms that then, by post.

I am starting to look at this as her being a completely different person, and one that I do not like the look of, in the slightest. That said, this means that I will not be going after my Wife (as I knew her), but rather the new person that she wanted to become - evil, in my book. That's the one I SHALL go after and that's the one that's gonna find out she's trying to ruin the wrong person, who has always been supportive, honourable, polite and have done things for her without question in order to build the relationship. I cannot afford to be that person now, not for a while and not towards her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> You know, I don't even know what I did to deserve being treated in this way


Nothing -- YOU did nothing. This is just who she REALLY is. She was good at fooling you about who she was until she didn't need to anymore.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Nothing -- YOU did nothing. This is just who she REALLY is. She was good at fooling you about who she was until she didn't need to anymore.


'Fooling' for 19 years! Just pretending? How? Why? For what? Man thanks for your clarity, but I guess I'll never make sense of this.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Another sleepless night waking in panic. I'm fed up with this, I truly am. Apparently I have done nothing, so why the appalling treatment? I cannot fathom this and it's driving me insane - I'm sure. The pain I feel each and every day isn't getting any better and I am still living in a state of total disbelief, that everything can seem brilliant one minute and then all fall down around my ears the next. I'm at my wits end...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

As Churchill said If you are in hell, keep going.
Focus on YOU and things you NEED and WANT to do.
You just have to accept that she is a bad person, and move past it. You will never get a satisfactory "why" from her.
Get your things done that you need to work on, start doing things for YOU -- exercise if you can (even just go for a walk), hobbies, eat healthy, etc.. Not talking with her WILL eventually help you detach which is really what you need here. It just takes time.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> As Churchill said If you are in hell, keep going.


Brilliant Quote!




jlg07 said:


> Focus on YOU and things you NEED and WANT to do.
> You just have to accept that she is a bad person, and move past it. You will never get a satisfactory "why" from her


It's just that I've never seen this in her (apart from when she left her boyfriend for me 19 years back, I suppose). I've gathered I will never get a why, she won't talk about any of it.



jlg07 said:


> Get your things done that you need to work on, start doing things for YOU -- exercise if you can (even just go for a walk), hobbies, eat healthy, etc..


I've had a really productive day today - took a while though. Eventually got my bitcoin made into Fiat and in my bank account to fund my lawyer. Then I emailed an update to my lawyer and asked if they would take my case! It's been a journey to this stage, but at least I now have an element of control and won't get trampled on by her lawyer. I don't reckon she expected that to happen.

Yeah, I must work out. I have gone for a stroll down the park a few times, but it's too close to her work. Not a lot else to do around here as it's so small, but I may go for a walk into the country tomorrow if it's not too hot. I must also start weight training while I still can, but I'm losing so much weight all my skin has gone saggy - it's horrible!



jlg07 said:


> Not talking with her WILL eventually help you detach which is really what you need here. It just takes time.


Yeah, I know. It's just a shame it has to be this way - I can't (and won't, as you say) understand any of it. But hey!

I really do appreciate your comments. Thank you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No contact from her sucks in so many ways, but it really is best for you in one: It lessens the hope she will return and allow you to detach faster as mentioned by someone else.

it’s going to hurt for a long time. You just have to accept it and endure it. Why all the weight loss?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> No contact from her sucks in so many ways, but it really is best for you in one: It lessens the hope she will return and allow you to detach faster as mentioned by someone else.
> 
> it’s going to hurt for a long time. You just have to accept it and endure it.


Yeah, I've read that. Lessens the hope? I think I'm passed that, but I won't give that impression to her just yet, just incase she wants to return at some point (undoubtedly), as it would be good to see what she has to say for herself. Wouldn't go there though.

I bet it will hurt, it's been a long time and the way she ended it was horrific - I found this elsewhere, sums it up really:

"_For all of us who have experienced SAS (Spouse *Abandonment* *Syndrome*) recognize that "*abandonment*" is actually classified as one of the most emotionally abusive actions a person can inflict against another. Studies have shown that the amount of emotional trauma that comes from it can actually exceed the emotional trauma of verbal abuse, and is comparable to the emotional trauma of extended physical abuse._"



Evinrude58 said:


> Why all the weight loss?


Stress alone. Lost just over a stone in 3 weeks. Baggy clothes now! Lol!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When my wife left...., she kinda forced me to tell her to GTFO, I lost 30lbs in 2 months because I had zero desire to eat.
I recommend forcing yourself to eat some protein so you don’t lose muscle like I did, exercising as much as you can (it helped me a LOT to run), and just taking the opportunity that you have no appetite to get into a healthy diet. Turn lemons into lemonade as much as you can.

she ain’t coming back, brother. I’m sorry.
If you think about the situation she was in for seven years, you gotta be realistic about why she left. Thing is, leaving and telling you that she met someone else— that was an unnecessary dagger in the heart and I am angry for you on that.
You’ll make it. It’s hard. There’s no relief from the pain. But it will get better. Stay busy. It helps.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> When my wife left...., she kinda forced me to tell her to GTFO, I lost 30lbs in 2 months because I had zero desire to eat.
> I recommend forcing yourself to eat some protein so you don’t lose muscle like I did, exercising as much as you can (it helped me a LOT to run), and just taking the opportunity that you have no appetite to get into a healthy diet. Turn lemons into lemonade as much as you can.


Blimey! I've been eating, forcing myself to but can't be too bothered. But I'm eating what I usually do and it's still coming off. I had a healthy diet for years, but she's cancelled the organic food order and I have to use the supermarket now and buy the cheaper stuff because of the lack of income. The only good thing, is there is still a fair amount of healthy food in the freezer.



Evinrude58 said:


> she ain’t coming back, brother. I’m sorry.
> If you think about the situation she was in for seven years, you gotta be realistic about why she left. Thing is, leaving and telling you that she met someone else— that was an unnecessary dagger in the heart and I am angry for you on that.
> You’ll make it. It’s hard. There’s no relief from the pain. But it will get better. Stay busy. It helps.


Yeah, I know. It wasn't like I was planning to start a business though. Something that we could both do together, had it all planned, website almost done, etc. But she just didn't want to get onboard - the writing was on the wall then I suppose and that's why she stalled. You never know if she's been manipulated into leaving by the other person, but knowing how much she wants control over things, I doubt that.

Got to start planning to get out of here next. Gonna see how that pans out! Cheers,


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Smillie,

I'm glad you've read some of Michele Weiner Davis's work. Her work helped change my life and save my marriage.

I would detach from her immediately. You should take her seriously, and using MWD terms you are in the "Last Resort Technique". That means:

1. Stop pursuing
2. Get a life
3. Wait and See

This is going to take a long time to play out. Learn some validation skills. Don't allow yourself to argue with her. Set strong boundaries and don't let her walk all over you - I guarantee she will try keeping you on as plan B.

With her, don't believe anything you hear and only half of you see. Also, tell yourself every day that your marriage is over. Because it is. A new one may arise, but don't make assumptions here.

Also, you are in denial. She told you she has feelings for someone else and she moved out so she could sleep with him. Confront the harsh truth with honesty, and the belief that no matter how hard this gets you will prevail in the end.

If this same thing happened 10 years ago then bail.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> Smillie,
> 
> I'm glad you've read some of Michele Weiner Davis's work. Her work helped change my life and save my marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I have read MWD work but that was 10 years ago. I did keep the book to re-read but we have moved several times since then and I cannot find them. I haven't been pursuing now for a while, apart from the contact for my disability claim, so there's that I suppose.

I'm taking myself out of the equation now that I have funds for legal representation, so she can deal with them if they take on my case. She will not be walking over me and I shall be working to "Option 3". She gave me 2 options:

She petitions for divorce under "Unreasonable Behaviour" - this doesn't sit with me as it is unfounded and untrue.
I petition her for Adultry
The only thing is, either way, she gets what she says she wants and divorce happens. I have always said in life that when somebody give you a Double-Bind (2 options for the same result), then take the 3rd Option - there always is one if you look close enough. You don't have to accept their offers. Lawyers will go through a process. You say you want a divorce and they will immediately work through the divorce process. But what if there was another process? Another path to explore? Another outcome to achieve?

That's Option 3 and the one I shall venture down. The unexpected route that does a massive pattern interrupt on the whole "expected" legal process and one that wasn't given as an option and will therefore be unexpected once it's executed.

Although she may keep me as a Plan B, I can't say that I am enthralled to be classed as that, although I am interested to see how this plays out, but probably don't want to commit to going back at this stage. I think I would be forever looking over my shoulder. I would entertain a conversation though.

I know what you mean about not believing anything. Crikey, everything she says is a lie, untruthful and gaslighting and she hasn't kept to any agreements. Yes, my marriage is over and as hard as that is to accept for a bloke like me who is always trying to put things right, I have to let that go now. It's unbelievable that such an abrupt end came about. One day she said she loved me and our relationship was on track, next day she's gone. It blows me away how she could continue in a relationship as usual, laughing joking, kissing, cuddling, etc., and then just leave. I have uncovered so many questionnable elements over the past few days, that will have her and her lawyer sifting through bank statements, legal documents, pension claims forms & related documentation and internal processes for weeks, if my lawyers want to play ball.

"A new one may arise?" Don't quite get your drift here.... A new marriage? How?

The same thing did happen 10 years back, but she promised nobody else was involved and there was no affair. Another lie I think maybe, in hindsight, seeing as her behaviour this time was *exactly *the same as last. It seems that she doesn't want to admit she was i the wrong and will therefore tell a lie to shuffle around it to mislead and misdirect.

I must say I am intrigued at what she'll do next though, seeing as the divorce announcement was so very, very quick, just like it was last time, although divorce was never mentioned, she did say that it was "pointless to delay the inevitable".

How long have you been in your marriage after resolving your issues, if I may ask out of curiosity?

Sorry about the waffle.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

If her behavior was the same, I expect she had an affair then. You probably should give up on this. I get one time building back from an affair, but again 10 years later? You took her back too easy the first time IMO and she doesn't respect and more importantly see you as a person of value. Her being the breadwinner only contributes to this. Women have a hard time dealing with being the breadwinner despite all the BS lies we have told ourselves as society allegedly "progresses".

I have been reconciled since Spring of 2019. Still in learning mode, not going back to being the same person, still learning attraction, communication, validation. Still trying to carve out time to get a life.

What she will do next is probably slow roll things. If she wanted the fast track she would have chosen it. Take your focus off of her. You should detach from her and focus on you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should realize you don’t have a lot of money to fight her. She’s gonna bleed you dry and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. She’s an attorney. She can file untold things to delay, derail, and obfuscate justice. So your best bet is divorce her as fast and easy as possible, while still holding her as accountable as possible. If you don’t have a doctor that will give rock solid testimony that you can’t possibly earn a living with your medical problems, no judge is going to look kindly on you not working for seven years whether that’s fair or not. And they’re not going to award you much I wouldn’t think. Lots of people won’t work and want to milk the working spouse and the system for all they can. 

this 3rd option sounds bizarrely stupid to me and a weak attempt to get your wife back who quite clearly doesn’t love you.

file for adultery like she requested and let her go.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

An option you haven't considered -- GIVE her the divorce but make it best for YOUR terms. Ask your lawyer if adultery gains you anything.
Also, with what she's pulled with the $$$, you should have your lawyer get a forensic accountant on this -- I bet she has other accounts that you know NOTHING about -- and those can be found by the accountant for consideration as assets of the marriage.
Again, I would get the MOST $$$ out of her you can -- that seems to be what she really cares about.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

there's a saying in the red pill community: _She's not yours - she's only your turn_. Your turn is up. What the hell are you feeling so bad about. 19 years. That's a pretty good turn. Let the new guy deal with her crap now. She set you free. You can do whatever you want. You're a lucky man.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Talk about betrayal at every level, sexually, emotionally, financially, ethically.



Surprised? You've had on rose-colored glasses my friend across the pond. this is how they operate. She did it once but you ignored the signs. "She would never do this to me" you believed. She's been planning this for a long time. At least for a year or two. Maybe longer. You just didn't see it. She won't confront you in person (like an adult) because she doesn't want to "hurt" you. yeah - this is how they think. Like she didn't want to hurt the first guy.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You should realize you don’t have a lot of money to fight her. She’s gonna bleed you dry and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. She’s an attorney. She can file untold things to delay, derail, and obfuscate justice. So your best bet is divorce her as fast and easy as possible, while still holding her as accountable as possible.


Although she is a lawyer, her expertise is probate law. She is not versed in family, divorce or litigation, etc., so she would need to seek another's expertise in those areas. Although my thoughts are with you in respect to divorcing her, it doesn't feel right - and not because of the reasons you think that I want her back, I don't at this stage - but solely because her angle, which is the usual divorce angle, seems unfair. I have always lived by my morals and what is fair and equittable. That is my drive in this. I shall of course consider advice from my lawyer if they decide to act for me and I will be holding her to account as I can, as that is the honourable thing to do.



Evinrude58 said:


> If you don’t have a doctor that will give rock solid testimony that you can’t possibly earn a living with your medical problems, no judge is going to look kindly on you not working for seven years whether that’s fair or not. And they’re not going to award you much I wouldn’t think. Lots of people won’t work and want to milk the working spouse and the system for all they can.


I fully understand that others' opinion of my condition may see it as something other than me not being able to work. I would envision this is why her lawyer doesn't want her to provide a statement of my claim, as this would then provide admittance and evidence that I have indeed been in a position where this has not been possible. Over the past 3 years or so, we have kept a track of this and have realised that I would only be able to work for a couple of days each week, and they wouldn't be full days either, due to being extremely tired and suffering motion sickness. Obviously because it's all happening inside of me and there are no visible external symptoms or noticeable disabilities (because of it's neurological nature), it is difficult for anybody who does not have, or is not in contact with anybody who does have it, to understand the ongoing struggles of everyday life. Even walking around the house is challenging a lot of the time, because of the constant direction changes going room to room. I don't expect you or a judge to understand any of this, but I will not roll over and accept another person's comment on what I am experiencing on a daily basis, if they have not got the time to to investigate and understand it, or have not experienced the condition themselves first hand. All I can say is to ride on a waltzer or a ship in a rough sea and when you get off notice how rubbish you feel for the next 20 minutes or so. And then add a bad vertigo episode that wakes you at night, makes you be sick, causes pain in your back and hot/cold sweats and knocks you out for at least 4 days flat and increases motion sickness symptoms for a few weeks afterwards. That feeling is the majority of my life since this happened, coupled with chronic fatigue and thinking/comprehension/speech issues.

For the record: I would never 'milk' anything from anybody, it's not the right thing to do. I have always made my way in life until this. I don't and never have expected anything from anybody and I have always had the conversation with my wife in regards to my feelings of not being able to work. It's the worst thing ever and I have always had conversations with her about things that I could do to bring in an income. She has always given the impression of being onboard and as I have previously stated, we were working an a couple of ideas together over the past few months which would have been hitting off over the course of this year. Her leaving has stopped this in it's tracks at present, but I shall be continuing these when all this is initial stuff has been taken care of.



Evinrude58 said:


> this 3rd option sounds bizarrely stupid to me and a weak attempt to get your wife back who quite clearly doesn’t love you.


I fully accept your views, but until I have a conversation with my lawyer I will not know any more. Without going into too much detail, there is very clear evidence of her intention to manipulate and to gain access to money fraudulently. It has come to light when I spoke with my pension company, that she has even triggered one of my pensions to be paid out to a shared account that she set up 2 weeks prior to walking out (why?), and submitted 'certified' copies of my identification documents to them without my knowledge. For me, this shows intention to defraud and she has potentially been waiting for that money to hit the new shared account since she has left. She would have triggered the other pension off to, but I received a letter from them, which she opened, that they wanted to speak with me directly prior to doing so.

I don't expect you or anybody else to understand, but this type of behaviour is not right and if I don't explore this angle, then how can I ever hold her accountable, as you have previously suggested?

Please don't think that I am trying to get my wife back, I am not. She needs to explain what she has been doing over the past few months, where the money has gone that she was in control of and why she has been opening shared accounts and working to cash in my pensions to them 2 weeks before she left, while being in a relationship outside of our marriage, possibly for months and planning to leave. I can't just let that go as it potentially fraudulent and the length of tie she has been in this other relationship will cement my concerns. Anything outside of 3 weeks is questionnable, as this is when she set up the shared account which didn't seem to need any input from me - and why a shared account for my pensions?

As far as funds go to support legal action, I have now made allowances that should cover these initial enquiries and more will be available going forward. I simply don't feel that I can agree to a divorce under any condition put forward, if first these questions are not answered with provable answers. It's just not right, in my book.



Evinrude58 said:


> file for adultery like she requested and let her go


This is obviously an option, but will give her what she wants and may not necessarily be in my financial interests, although it probably will be in my best emotional interest. I fully understand your reasoning here, but something really doesn't feel right. Why not wait for a couple of months until I am sorted emotionally, have found somewhere to live, sorted out the house and moved? Why pile on everything as heavy as she can and want a divorce, inside of a 2 weeks period? I know she may want 'rid' of me, but based on the things I have uncovered, there could be more to it, that's all I'm trying to put forward and in my mind, if I don't address this from the outset, then it will not sit right with me.

We'll have to see how things pan out and what my lawyer says and go from there. This is all new to me, that's all, but I can't accept foul play or accept blame on my part when I haven't done anything to deserve this apart from being unable to work for an employer, as I wouldn't be reliable. I never wanted to give up my IT career, I loved my work and had been in IT for 29 years.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

manowar said:


> there's a saying in the red pill community: _She's not yours - she's only your turn_. Your turn is up. What the hell are you feeling so bad about. 19 years. That's a pretty good turn. Let the new guy deal with her crap now. She set you free. You can do whatever you want. You're a lucky man.


Yes, I have thought from this angle too. Her actions do not sit right with me though. I know where you're coming from, but I certainly don't see myself as lucky. A relationship ending amicably is one thing, but trying to destroy me on the way out is not right, is it?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

manowar said:


> Surprised? You've had on rose-colored glasses my friend across the pond. this is how they operate. She did it once but you ignored the signs. "She would never do this to me" you believed. She's been planning this for a long time. At least for a year or two. Maybe longer. You just didn't see it. She won't confront you in person (like an adult) because she doesn't want to "hurt" you. yeah - this is how they think. Like she didn't want to hurt the first guy.


Maybe I did ignore the signs, but we apparently worked through it, so she lied then too? If you are right and it has been going on months or years, then it will definately prove intention to defraud, as she kept wanting to set up shared accounts and money has gone missing over time. So there's that.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> An option you haven't considered -- GIVE her the divorce but make it best for YOUR terms. Ask your lawyer if adultery gains you anything.
> Also, with what she's pulled with the $$$, you should have your lawyer get a forensic accountant on this -- I bet she has other accounts that you know NOTHING about -- and those can be found by the accountant for consideration as assets of the marriage.
> Again, I would get the MOST $$$ out of her you can -- that seems to be what she really cares about.


All very good points and I shall have that conversation. I bet she has other accounts also and it wouldn't surprise me if she has set up a shared account with the other guy. This was what she suggested way back years ago when we got together. She has recently always suggested setting up shared accounts for things, it screams intention for foul play in my book.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It would be interesting to hear your wife’s side. It would seem that if your pensions could be accessed at all, that you would have already done so yourself, so your wife wasn’t solely responsible for all the bills.

It seems your wife has been up to some nefarious scheming. Does she not make good money from her legal work? Is there a motive for taking your pension and your settlement money other than greed?

it’s also strange your wife would suggest that either she files divorce for your unreasonable behavior or you divorce her for adultery. It almost sounds like she’s goading you to file for adultery.
This doesn’t make sense to me:


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It would be interesting to hear your wife’s side. It would seem that if your pensions could be accessed at all, that you would have already done so yourself, so your wife wasn’t solely responsible for all the bills.


It would be interesting, however I reckon she would make up some reasonable story to support her actions. Her lies are immense at this stage. My pension options have only come about this year (April) when I turned 55 - she left towards end of May. So, there was a variety of options such as full/partial lump sum, transfer to a flexible access, merge pensions funds, etc. We discussed cashing a smaller one in in order to put towards cost of living, etc. She set this up and the account for it to be paid in to, without my knoweldge and told me after the event and just before she left. I don't get 1) Why she insisted on a shared account, and 2) Why she would leave just after triggering it and explicitly told me that when it goes in to the account that she wouldn't touch it (another lie I would imagine). As mentioned she also sent off certified copies of my ID without my knowledge to the company, in order to draw the pension. I do wonder if she has Power of Attorney without me knowing, seeing as this is her area of legal expertise.



Evinrude58 said:


> It seems your wife has been up to some nefarious scheming. Does she not make good money from her legal work? Is there a motive for taking your pension and your settlement money other than greed?


Yes she does, but she always comments how she doesn't have money left at the end of the month. This is absurd seeing as she left some of her payslips here. It doesn't make sense at all, unless she is putting it 1) into another account, or 2) using it to create an alternative life elsewhere which she has seemingly walked in to. There is no way she can spend almost £3,500 each month. Rent here is 1050. Food doesn't cost that much, neither do bills for 2 people.

Motive? Well, seeing as my other 2 pension companies insisted on speaking with me prior to cashing in, I reckon her only other way to get access was to file for divorce and get access to it legally that way.

I would also imagine in her mind that a shared account is 50/50 ownership of content legally? Even though I have not authorised the setup of any of these accounts and didn't even know that the savings account was a shared one until I called them after she left. I was under the impression it was solely in my name, seeing as it was money from my Dental Claim and for dental work and/or emoergencies. And yes, i have used some of it to support her income when she told me a couple of times that those months were tough. (Another lie though?)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m just guessing based on what I’ve read:

She has been taking care of everything for you for 7 years. You haven’t been involved in any day to day paying of bills, it’s all been her responsibility if I recall correctly (and I may not).
So just maybe she has attempted to take care of getting you some cash flow by setting up your pension stuff. She TOLD you what she did BEFORE she left and hasn’t taken a dime of it yet. Could she have had no nefarious desires in setting that up for you, just trying to help before she goes?

You’re right, she has likely been instructed not to put in writing that you are disabled and not able to work, because then she will be on the hook indefinitely for supporting you.
I can’t blame her for that. She’s supported you for 7 years. What are you hoping your wife will do as far as supporting you after youre

You are thinking she’s stolen your settlement. Maybe she just paid bills with it.

You think she’s trying to steal your pension.
Maybe she’s just trying to get it set up to help you pay your bills.

You think she may have tried to poison you for life insurance money.
Maybe she hasn’t poisoned you.

I’m just not able to clearly understand what is going on. Is your wife this big of a thief?
Or are you just so in grief that you aren’t seeing things as you normally would.

If only half of your theories are accurate, your STBX wife is a monster.

One fact I fully understand: She didn’t divorce you and then fall in love with another man. She met someone and then divorced you.
There can be no mistaking the wrong here.

I hope there will be some light shed on your case that you are able to divulge in your thread in the future. And if your wife is trying to or has abused your trust regarding finances, that she is held accountable. She’s already abused you emotionally by monkey branching to another man.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She has been taking care of everything for you for 7 years. You haven’t been involved in any day to day paying of bills, it’s all been her responsibility if I recall correctly (and I may not).
> So just maybe she has attempted to take care of getting you some cash flow by setting up your pension stuff. She TOLD you what she did BEFORE she left and hasn’t taken a dime of it yet. Could she have had no nefarious desires in setting that up for you, just trying to help before she goes?


The only reason why she has been taking care of everything, is 1) because her salary gets paid into her account, not mine and 2) Because she insists on doing so.

She hasn't taken a dime of it, because it hasn't been paid out yet and therefore it is not in the account. In my view, if she was trying to make an income for me, then why the shared account rather than one just in my name and why the previous discussions about us investing it elsewhere, rather than drawing down? This is what we agreed, which led to the decision of taking the lump sum. If she was trying to create a useable income, then we would have decided to merge the pensions together and then convert them to a flexible payout option, where you can draw 25% tax free and leave the rest to grow and/or take out as required.



Evinrude58 said:


> You’re right, she has likely been instructed not to put in writing that you are disabled and not able to work, because then she will be on the hook indefinitely for supporting you.
> I can’t blame her for that. She’s supported you for 7 years. What are you hoping your wife will do as far as supporting you after youre


Maybe you can't blame her for that, but it is dishonest and manipulative, in my book.



Evinrude58 said:


> You are thinking she’s stolen your settlement. Maybe she just paid bills with it.


Without my knowledge or agreement, leaving me to believe there is still savings in the account.



Evinrude58 said:


> You think she’s trying to steal your pension.
> Maybe she’s just trying to get it set up to help you pay your bills.


How's that, by taking 50% of it her herself?



Evinrude58 said:


> You think she may have tried to poison you for life insurance money.
> Maybe she hasn’t poisoned you.


I have never said that. The life insurance policy is payout only and to her. It does not have a surrender value or anything else attached to it. They are the facts.

The first 10 days after she left I was in a right mess as previously explained. Full body convulsions, hot/cold sweats, burning skin, chronic muscle and joint pain especially in my upper back, severe tremours, extremely dry throat and mouth, severe weight loss (none of my clothes fit anymore 2-3 sizes too big in 1-3 weeks), pains in my gut, weak legs, my head feeling full and like it was about to explode, etc. After 10 days these symptoms started to ease and have gotten much better. I have had chronic upper back pain for years now, thinking it was my ribs. It seems strange that now this is the best it's been in years. Again, these are the facts. I looked up withdrawal and my symptoms were the same as these. Yes, it has crossed my mind before a few years back and because of her dishonesty and speed of exit and onset on symptoms after a couple of days, I revisited it again as I was fairly scared of what was happening. That's all.



Evinrude58 said:


> I’m just not able to clearly understand what is going on. Is your wife this big of a thief?
> Or are you just so in grief that you aren’t seeing things as you normally would.


I don't know. She's turned in to that big of a liar and deceiver virtually overnight and I know that her favourite books are True Crime. murder and psychological thrillers.

It has been proven that she has taken funds more of what she has said and denied taking them (recorded voice call). It has been proven that she has told me that I probably deleted the email with the savings account logon information, even though they are never sent by email and she recieved hers by post. It is proven that she lied about how much she said was left in the account, when it was much less. If she has lied about these things and they can be proven, then what else has she lied about?

She also lied to my face about our relationship being ok the week she left, that she loved me and gave the impression that she was into us creating a vegetable garden that we spent over £1,000 creating and I did all of the work on that, then she left 4 weeks later.

So I don't know what she is capable of. All I know is the person I see now, isn't the person I have been with all these years.



Evinrude58 said:


> One fact I fully understand: She didn’t divorce you and then fall in love with another man. She met someone and then divorced you.
> There can be no mistaking the wrong here.


Me also. Again she has been deceitful, hasn't announced any issue with our relationship, instead carrying on as a couple - sharing a bed, kissing cuddling, holding hands as we always have outside and indoors, me showing affection for her while she is ironing, holding her and kissing her neck and her responding ... al this right up to the day before she left. We were also working towards a method of us providing additional income streams (the website was almost complete), planning for the future and discussing what we would be doing next, helping her work towards Partnership at work by creating project plans and documentation for her to present to the Partnership (which I am good at), etc. We have been speaking about all of this recently since the turn of the year and being actively working towards that. She has given the impression that we are good and that we are investing in our future. I don't get it, but she has "allegedly" gone off with somebody else, although there is no evidence to that as yet apart from her saying she has. I have mentioned before that if I know she has had an affair, then she thinks that I would leave her be. Again, just the facts as I see it. She is lying about everything else, why couldn't she be lying about this also?



Evinrude58 said:


> I hope there will be some light shed on your case that you are able to divulge in your thread in the future. And if your wife is trying to or has abused your trust regarding finances, that she is held accountable. She’s already abused you emotionally by monkey branching to another man.


I hope this too. I really don't want any of this to be true as I would hate to view her in this light after such a long time sharing a life together, but the evidence says that it is to some degree and this then needs to be extrapolated to the bigger picture of other questionnable elements.

And yes, if it is true, then she has abused my trust and the way she has left unannounced and by withdrawal of monthly salary, is emotional abuse and desertion.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> It has come to light when I spoke with my pension company, that she has even triggered one of my pensions to be paid out to a shared account that she set up 2 weeks prior to walking out (why?), and submitted 'certified' copies of my identification documents to them without my knowledge. For me, this shows intention to defraud and she has potentially been waiting for that money to hit the new shared account since she has left. She would have triggered the other pension off to, but I received a letter from them, which she opened, that they wanted to speak with me directly prior to doing so.


So this is fraud -- straight up. You should talk with the pension company about this to see if THEY can help pursue charges.

BTW, just because she puts her check into her OWN accounts, that is a joint asset for the marriage and should be eligible for consideration in the divorce.


BTW, folks, vertigo migraines are no joke.
My son had it at a Christmas Eve party and folks who didn't know him thought he was falling down drunk.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So this is fraud -- straight up. You should talk with the pension company about this to see if THEY can help pursue charges.
> 
> BTW, just because she puts her check into her OWN accounts, that is a joint asset for the marriage and should be eligible for consideration in the divorce.


That's a good point, thank you. I will be speaking with them on Monday, I shall check with them exactly what documents have been submitted.

Her personal account is a Joint asset? Never knew that! I wonder if that's the same in the UK. I have just looked about what's considered in Divorce and it would appear that cash in the bank and saving are included. Also, assets that were built outside of the marriage may not be part of the divorce agreement and therefore protected. But not in all cases. This means that I may well have a protected pension, as these assets were created years before I even met her and I mean years, like 15 of them!

I shall better read later: Divorce Settlement: What Are You Entitled To?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> BTW, folks, vertigo migraines are no joke.
> My son had it at a Christmas Eve party and folks who didn't know him thought he was falling down drunk


Tell me about it. I wake up with them and they know me out for weeks on end they are so violent. Let alone all the permanent stuff you get with MAV that's constant, then you get the vertigo attacks at random times. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

So, heard back from my solicitor (lawyer) this afternoon. She said that the wife was silly not providing a statement for my claim as if my claim is not successful then she would potentially need to pay out more to cover my costs of living going forward, as part of Spousal Maintenance. Perhaps she's had bad advice then, it would seem.

She has asked me to provide information as to the bank transactions and I will also mention my concerns with the Certified documents that have been sent to the pension company, along with the question that we need to establish how long my wife has been having an affair, as this will determine how we look at the setup of shared bank accounts and the possible intentions behind it.

I shall compile that tonight and tomorrow and get that sent in the morning hopefully. So all looking good at this stage. I have also requested that communications go directly through them, rather than via me. I have stated that I cannot trust the wife's words, that she delays responding to emails and it appears that she is game-playing to undermine me.

So that's the update for today. All positive, oh and apparently it's gonna cost a whole lotta money to defend a divorce, so better off petitioning and directing on my terms. That's the advice, so I suppose I'll need to go with that then.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Protect yourself first, you cannot trust her unfortunately.

PS I love the way you Brits talk it cracks me up


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> Protect yourself first, you cannot trust her unfortunately.


Aye! Found that one out. It's like a switch has been flipped.



overrnbw said:


> PS I love the way you Brits talk it cracks me up


Anything specific?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have been wondering how different the laws are regarding divorce in the UK..... because as you seem to be hearing from your solicitor, I wouid thing she’d be more willing to work with you because her having seven years of being sole provider and suddenly cutting and running and taking all the money out of the bank would not bode well even for a woman here. She does seem to be doing a lot of senseless stuff that should come back to bite her in the ass legally.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Aye! Found that one out. It's like a switch has been flipped.
> 
> 
> Anything specific?


Mainly how your speech is so articulate. It's like penmanship, where it is obvious that you care about how you present yourself to the world.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I have been wondering how different the laws are regarding divorce in the UK..... because as you seem to be hearing from your solicitor, I wouid thing she’d be more willing to work with you because her having seven years of being sole provider and suddenly cutting and running and taking all the money out of the bank would not bode well even for a woman here. She does seem to be doing a lot of senseless stuff that should come back to bite her in the ass legally.


Yes she does. My lawyer has also commented that she shouldn't have pulled her offer to provide a statement to support my disability claim as she previously agreed, as if this claim isn't successful, then the stbxWife (can't get used to that!) will be obliged to put more towards living costs through spousal maintenance. So it looks as though the wife has had some not very good advice. It would appear that my lawyer is going to inform her lawyer of this information. That's not going to go down well with the wife, at all!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> Mainly how your speech is so articulate. It's like penmanship, where it is obvious that you care about how you present yourself to the world.


Ah right! Maybe. As far as I'm concerned I just type as I speak, that's why I type a lot!  Also having been an IT guy for many years (prior to not being able to work anymore), I have had to create my fair-share of user documentation and project plans, so perhaps there's an element in that somewhere that comes across. Who knows.

Nobody has ever called me articulate before - crikey!


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

@Smilieman how are you today? Reading your other comments it looks like you are heading in the right direction and glad you have a solicitor. Hope your health is ok and things get better for you from this day onwards.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> @Smilieman how are you today? Reading your other comments it looks like you are heading in the right direction and glad you have a solicitor. Hope your health is ok and things get better for you from this day onwards.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Hey @CrAzYdOgLaDy, thanks for asking. I think I'm getting there but this week has been a true struggle emotionally. I think I need to call it a day in this relationship, although it's killing me giving in on my marriage, but it would appear that I am the only one taking it seriously. She said that she wants a divorce and that I will be hearing from her lawyer concerning her intentions, yet 10 days later there is no communication received from her at all, which is a trifle strange if she was so adamant that a divorce is what she wanted. This has made me second guess things and messed me up a bit as I have been thinking whether this is truly what she wants. Unless her lawyer is slow at getting stuff done - but almost 2 weeks? But then, I have to decide whether I want to accept being treated in this manner, especially for a second time. I think that I have no alternative than to file for divorce under the grounds of Adultery, but for some reason I feel like I am just playing into her hands and giving her what she {says she} wants and going against the part of me that wants to know what's going on and wants to resolve things. Perhaps this is the game that she's playing, trying to mess with my head and make me hang on thinking that things may be able to be resolved. But, she has admitted adultery (whether she has or hasn't) and said she wants a divorce and has put me in this position without consideration for how it is affecting me and if I would end up on the street or not. So, I think I need to stand my ground, take control and show her that I'm not accepting this type of treatment and seeing as she hasn't been communicating, the only way I can do this is to petition for divorce. Why do I have such an issue with this in my mind? It's killing me!


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Hey @CrAzYdOgLaDy, thanks for asking. I think I'm getting there but this week has been a true struggle emotionally. I think I need to call it a day in this relationship, although it's killing me giving in on my marriage, but it would appear that I am the only one taking it seriously. She said that she wants a divorce and that I will be hearing from her lawyer concerning her intentions, yet 10 days later there is no communication received from her at all, which is a trifle strange if she was so adamant that a divorce is what she wanted. This has made me second guess things and messed me up a bit as I have been thinking whether this is truly what she wants. Unless her lawyer is slow at getting stuff done - but almost 2 weeks? But then, I have to decide whether I want to accept being treated in this manner, especially for a second time. I think that I have no alternative than to file for divorce under the grounds of Adultery, but for some reason I feel like I am just playing into her hands and giving her what she {says she} wants and going against the part of me that wants to know what's going on and wants to resolve things. Perhaps this is the game that she's playing, trying to mess with my head and make me hang on thinking that things may be able to be resolved. But, she has admitted adultery (whether she has or hasn't) and said she wants a divorce and has put me in this position without consideration for how it is affecting me and if I would end up on the street or not. So, I think I need to stand my ground, take control and show her that I'm not accepting this type of treatment and seeing as she hasn't been communicating, the only way I can do this is to petition for divorce. Why do I have such an issue with this in my mind? It's killing me!


Could she be stalling for when your pension will be released, and she's waiting to get part of your pension? Her silence doesn't sound good to me. I'm hoping she is not planning a ****ty move with her solicitor. Always be prepared and have plans. You can get good advice on here and bad advice at times lol. Just ignore bad advice. Glad you are getting there. The self care I mentioned the other day was, taking time for yourself, relaxing, doing things you enjoy, meditating if interested, eating healthy, drinking water, listen to favourite music and in general just doing things for yourself which will do you good. Invite a friend over for a bbq which can be done socially distanced. I'm in such a rut at the mo and it's hard to motivate myself. Since I left my husband I'm in a 1 bedroomed place, and it's full of all my stuff from a 4 bedroomed house lol. I look at it all and know I need to sort through it, but I just don't know where to start. Wish I had a friend who could come over and help me. I need to find a 2 bed property because this one is too small, nice but small haha. Anyway enough about me, I understand the stress you are going through and that's why self help is important. Sometimes we have to take a break from the stress and have a day for ourselves.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Could she be stalling for when your pension will be released, and she's waiting to get part of your pension? Her silence doesn't sound good to me. I'm hoping she is not planning a ****ty move with her solicitor. Always be prepared and have plans. You can get good advice on here and bad advice at times lol. Just ignore bad advice. Glad you are getting there. The self care I mentioned the other day was, taking time for yourself, relaxing, doing things you enjoy, meditating if interested, eating healthy, drinking water, listen to favourite music and in general just doing things for yourself which will do you good. Invite a friend over for a bbq which can be done socially distanced. I'm in such a rut at the mo and it's hard to motivate myself. Since I left my husband I'm in a 1 bedroomed place, and it's full of all my stuff from a 4 bedroomed house lol. I look at it all and know I need to sort through it, but I just don't know where to start. Wish I had a friend who could come over and help me. I need to find a 2 bed property because this one is too small, nice but small haha. Anyway enough about me, I understand the stress you are going through and that's why self help is important. Sometimes we have to take a break from the stress and have a day for ourselves.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


I doubt if she is stalling for that reason. I am arranging for that pension payment to be paid into a different account and from what they tell me, it could take a fair few weeks or even a couple of months. The silence seems to be typical of a Walk Away Wife and Spousal Abandonment. Apparently they see you in a different light and can even despise you - which is strange as I'm not a bad guy really - fair, honest, chatty - just not too exciting I support since I have been dizzy a lot of the time.

Self-care is hard when you feel totally fed up. Relaxing is the hardest bit but I have been trying to meditate. It started off fine, but now I keep getting images of her having sex with somebody else. I'm trying to deal with those each time I close my eyes. I followed on organic diet until the stbxw left, but she cancelled the food order. Due to limited money I now have to eat non-organic which I know increases my vestibular migraine symptoms. I need to do some shopping at some stage, but can be bothered. I shall do this early evening as I can't be doing with crowds. I drink distilled water, have done now for a year and I'm not really in to music. I have been listening to some podcasts though. My friends aren't local and I haven't got a bbq, so there's that and as far as social distance stuff goes, I'm afraid I'm not a believer in all that's going on. I have done too much research and have too much knoweldge of human behaviour, NLP and conditioning that I am able to see through it failry easily - shame I couldn't see what was happening in my marriage isn't it?

A one bedroom place although small, requires less cleaning. Here's me finding myself in this rented 4 bedroom house with a huge garden that is down to me to take care of by myself now since she walked out. It used to be a 2 person thing. We are in the same boat when it comes down to needing to sort stuff out, and by lord I have a lot of stuff to sort out! We have been carrying it (and our memories) around incase we even own our own house again, so now I guess it can go. I am angry though, that it is left to me to sort the house contents, while she washes her hands from any responsibility. I know what you mean about wanted somebody to help sort through it, it is certainly a job.

I'm viewing mine as: Need (things I need to live) -> Want to Keep (To put in temp storage) -> Hers -> Sell -> Bin. There are a lot of memories though, like some ornamental jugs that we got from Crete on out second holiday together in 2003. It is heart wrenching. Again, she's left me to sort all of that out also.

Sounds like you are having a tough time too. Hang in there a take each day an hour at a time. It's all we can do. The weather has turned cold and wet here (south norfolk) over the past few days, so there's nowhere to go to. I've been walking down the park and sitting there for an hour or so each day, to cold for that now. It's only small park that's not very busy, but it gets me out.

Sounds like you are going through the wringer also. How come our own thinking is always our downfall? We put ourselves through so much pain and we could stop that in an instant just by stopping thinking about all the negative stuff. It's thought that is the root of mental trauma, stop the thought and the trauma also stops - 3 Principles Coaching in a nutshell, but I can't seem to stop the thought!!!! Arrgh! I have my appt with the CAB Monday to go through my PIP claim, so I need to make some notes over the weekend in preparation.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> I doubt if she is stalling for that reason. I am arranging for that pension payment to be paid into a different account and from what they tell me, it could take a fair few weeks or even a couple of months. The silence seems to be typical of a Walk Away Wife and Spousal Abandonment. Apparently they see you in a different light and can even despise you - which is strange as I'm not a bad guy really - fair, honest, chatty - just not too exciting I support since I have been dizzy a lot of the time.
> 
> Self-care is hard when you feel totally fed up. Relaxing is the hardest bit but I have been trying to meditate. It started off fine, but now I keep getting images of her having sex with somebody else. I'm trying to deal with those each time I close my eyes. I followed on organic diet until the stbxw left, but she cancelled the food order. Due to limited money I now have to eat non-organic which I know increases my vestibular migraine symptoms. I need to do some shopping at some stage, but can be bothered. I shall do this early evening as I can't be doing with crowds. I drink distilled water, have done now for a year and I'm not really in to music. I have been listening to some podcasts though. My friends aren't local and I haven't got a bbq, so there's that and as far as social distance stuff goes, I'm afraid I'm not a believer in all that's going on. I have done too much research and have too much knoweldge of human behaviour, NLP and conditioning that I am able to see through it failry easily - shame I couldn't see what was happening in my marriage isn't it?
> 
> ...


I've been on lots of boating holidays on the Norfolk Broads over the years. I'm originally from England and living in Bonnie Scotland now. Lots of beautiful places to walk and cycle here. All my family are in England and miss them so much. I've actually been awake all night and about to have a doze for a few hours. Will reply fully later. Hope your day goes well for you.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

HAHA forgot I added the joke on the end for my signature. I was testing that out before  I can change it with a new joke every so often. Time for some ZzZzzz's







Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I've been on lots of boating holidays on the Norfolk Broads over the years


40 minute car ride from here and I can be on the broads. Something the wife and I never did and something that she never suggested either. The more I think about things, the more I realise that she never used to suggest doing anything - at all! 



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm originally from England and living in Bonnie Scotland now


It's lovely up there isn't it? My father's side of the family are all from Glasgow. My wife and I were married on the Isle of Bute at Mount Stuart. Not only named after me, but I also getting married in Scotland would be closer to my roots. Mount Stuart. . That was 2010 and now all the photographs will be trashed.

I too have been awake most of the night and feel awful, wondering what I should do. I won't be able to sleep though, but I shall try to meditate later to get some bearing on whether I should file for divorce and take control, or follow my heart and hold back for a while longer giving the impression that I'm acting like a victim. I see both sides so clearly it's painful.

Good signature - an oldie but a goodie (I'm old enough to remember!). Have a good sleep.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> 40 minute car ride from here and I can be on the broads. Something the wife and I never did and something that she never suggested either. The more I think about things, the more I realise that she never used to suggest doing anything - at all!
> 
> 
> It's lovely up there isn't it? My father's side of the family are all from Glasgow. My wife and I were married on the Isle of Bute at Mount Stuart. Not only named after me, but I also getting married in Scotland would be closer to my roots. Mount Stuart. . That was 2010 and now all the photographs will be trashed.
> ...


Me too. 54 year old for me haha. I would love to live on a boat travelling the rivers and mooring anywhere I want for the night. If you ever want a trip to Scotland there's lots of beautiful places to visit. Just give me a shout. We all need friends for support during these times. I'm by Edinburgh Castle, Stirling Castle, the falkirk wheel, and lots of other amazing places and amazing Scottish people who are friendly.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Me too. 54 year old for me haha. I would love to live on a boat travelling the rivers and mooring anywhere I want for the night. If you ever want a trip to Scotland there's lots of beautiful places to visit. Just give me a shout. We all need friends for support during these times. I'm by Edinburgh Castle, Stirling Castle, the falkirk wheel, and lots of other amazing places and amazing Scottish people who are friendly.


About the same for me. Edinburgh's a nice place. The other half has family there - never goes up there though and the only time she sees them is when one of them comes down for a wedding or funeral. You are right in saying that we all need friends. I think that the past 15 months has proven that more than anything and I would be as bold to say that this has contributed to a lot of people's situations including mine. If this "pandemic" thing hadn't have happened, I would have been holding seminars and out working for myself. But because things were locked down and venues were not hiring out rooms, etc. That was that done! A business that I had got everything for and half way through building my website and planning, then it all came crashing down and it's still down.

The wife knew this, but she didn't encourage or support. I am beginning to think that she has psychopathic/sociopathic traits.

Tough day for me today, I can feel the anxiety building up and the shaking starting once again. I still don't know if to definitely start divorce proceedings. I don't know why it doesn't feel right, although it's right intellectually - what an awful mind game this is I am playing with myself. Am I holding on waiting to see if she changes her mind, while she is seeing another guy and probably living with him? What kind of fool am I if this is the case? Argh!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I'm truly struggling today. Still can't decide whether to bite the bullet and file for Divorce under Adultery, or wait to see what she will do. I can't help thinking I need to take control here and not let her treat me in this manner, but I'm fighting with myself as I don't believe in Divorcing without trying at a marriage - what's the point? This battle in my mind is truly driving my insane and causing one panic attack after the other - 2 today! Sorry , just venting!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There is no remedy for emotional pain. I wish I could give you a magic potion that would help.
I’ll say this: Tell your solicitor full steam ahead. Doing nothing and staying in limbo longer is crazy.
Your wife told you she is leaving you and has another man. There’s no “waiting” or “not believing in divorcing” in this situation.

what does she have to say or do to convince you she doesn’t give a rats ass about you?

Do what you know you should do. Don’t let fear, sadness, depression, or any other emotion stand in your way of doing what is logical.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> what does she have to say or do to convince you she doesn’t give a rats ass about you?


See, this is such a true statement and one that I have been telling myself over the past few weeks. She doesn't, she can't. How can anybody who treats somebody else in such a manner think *anything* for them. And to tell me it's over after 19 years, by text message? I know this, I do. It is my emotions getting in the way, 100%.

Being an IT consultant and software developer prior to that for many years prior to having the vertigo attack that changed my life forever, I am completely logical. I know, absolutely, what I should do not only for myself, but also to show that I will not accept being treated in this way.

So if I know all this, why the panic, why the anxiety? I suppose that if I start the process, then there will be an ending to that process and closure for me yo some extent. I think a lot of the panic is coming from needing to somehow find somewhere to live but not having the money to maneuver at this stage, as that will take a few weeks.

Perhaps I need to find some potion, eh?

Cheers


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

By text message? Yes, she’s particularly low


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> stbxWife (can't get used to that!)


No she is stbxWW (Wayward wife)


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> By text message? Yes, she’s particularly low


Agreed! Appalling way to treat somebody you have been with all those years. It's not like it's been a violent relationship or anything and she had to run because she was scared of repercussions. Pure Evil or psychopathy perhaps? I don't know, I don't like to judge, but to also steal the savings - it's unbelievable really. I think my mind is becoming clearer.

The other thing I can't fathom, other that to keep me hanging as a "Plan B" in case she changes her mind, is why in every email does she put a kiss 'x' at the end? Why? Seems like manipulation to me.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> No she is stbxWW (Wayward wife)


I believe she is going to be just that. The thing is, and this is what I've been struggling with, I don't think she is convinced that this is what she wants. However, just before she left I did set my boundary which was her coming home after I agreed her supposedly 'going away' for a couple of days to think. Huh! The boundary was that she would come home when she said she was going to - the Tuesday afternoon - which was when I got the text message saying she wasn't coming back and she had feelings for somebody else.

So boundary breached. The condition of breaking the boundary is that I would give her the divorce she wanted. So now, I must keep to that, but it's killing me.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Everything you are feeling now is normal because your wife has left you in Limbo. The only way things will improve is moving forward. Maybe for yourself so you can say you tried everything you could, ask to meet your wife face to face somewhere, maybe for a meal in a restaurant and talk about what want answers to. You can both get everything out in the open and then go your seperate ways if that's what you both decide. If she isn't willing to talk because she at least owes you that, then carry on the divorce. You deserve happiness, we all do and the divorce could be the start of better things to come. My ex and myself are getting divorced but we haven't got the ball rolling yet. We both have other things in life that are going on, like health, his mum is dying and we are focusing on the other stuff first then sort the divorce out later. We live separately over a year now, and giving each other the distance we both need. We will go ahead with the divorce when both of us are in a better mental place. I'm recovering from a breakdown and focusing on getting myself better and have other health problems with similar symptoms you are having, which are debilitating. We have been seperated a year and hope to start the divorce in another 1-2 years. We are on good talking terms which is strange, because he was emotionally, verbally abusive and I nearly ended admitting myself to a mental ward. Now I can heal knowing I'm out of that situation. A lot of marriages end so badly and with so much hate. I wish everyone could just stop hurting each other. If you can meet your wife, don't meet up thinking this is a chance to stay together. You both do need to talk everything out and be truthful to each other. See if you can come to agreement if going ahead with divorce with out having to pay thousands to solicitors. You can get forms online to divorce and think they are less than £100. That's what we will be doing. No solicitor fees etc. I'm sorry if I've been rambling on, lack of sleep haha. 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben Dover.
Ben Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!


----------



## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Everything you are feeling now is normal because your wife has left you in Limbo. The only way things will improve is moving forward. Maybe for yourself so you can say you tried everything you could, ask to meet your wife face to face somewhere, maybe for a meal in a restaurant and talk about what want answers to. You can both get everything out in the open and then go your seperate ways if that's what you both decide. If she isn't willing to talk because she at least owes you that, then carry on the divorce.


She isn't willing to talk. The way she has left - Classic WAW (Walk Away Wife) and SAS (Spousal Abandonment Syndrome) - comes with lies, deceit, and the unwillingness to communicate. This has been detailed heavily in Michelle Weiner-Davis' (MWD) work. Although with WAW it is usual that they nag or give some indication that there is something wrong in the relationship - this never happened which is why it fits more with SAS. There is nothing I can say to her and she will say nothing in return. Talking about the relationship or what happened is impossible, she will not. It's like she has turned into a completely different person devoid of all emotion. She will say what she will say for her own selfish reasons and accept no blame. It's truly horrible. The only way is no contact. I read MWD work 10 years back and wish I had read again over the years to maybe keep me on track and worked more at our marriage. But there was truly no indication anything was wrong. So anyway, talking is out of the equation.

Look like you can still have a decent conversation with your ex then? That's excellent and more cost effective. This has never been the case with mine since I found out she was off again. Nothing. So nothing can be sorted without 3rd party involvement. I don't know why she says she wants a divorce so quickly, but apparently it part of the WAW/SAS also. Perhaps I'll just crack on and give her what she wants - perhaps then she will want to talk when she knows it's getting real. I shan't hold out hope for this or hold any expectation. I know I need to get on with my life now and sharpish, but I feel that something's not right in her thinking and WHY has she been putting a kiss 'x' in her emails all the time? It's either purposefully manipulating to keep me hanging on in case she changes her mind keeping me as her Plan B, a conscious decision to continually break my heart, or she still has feelings and is confused. Apparently the WAW is going through a hard time mentally and emotionally (although you wouldn't know it).

However, based on actions, she wasn't confused in all the calculated planning she made in order to leave, including stealing the savings! So there's that.

Divorce - The shock of this SAS is massive and apparently akin to long-term physical abuse. I am coming to the conclusion that I shouldn't allow myself to be treated in this manner. If she did want to come back, what then? Will she continue seeing the other guy that I had no idea she was seeing? Quite likely - she did this when we were seeing each other as I told her I couldn't do it as it wasn't right, the pull was too great after a couple of weeks. Will I be able to trust her again? Probably not. Will I be able to be wit her knowing that she has readily and without conscience had sex with somebody else behind my back, betraying me, our trust and our marriage and not taking our vows seriously? No, I don't think I can. Will the situation change, for her, seeing as I haven't been able to work? Probably not (I was just about to start a business when lockdowns started in 2020. My first seminar was to be held in June 2020, so it's not like I wasn't intending to create an income). When will be the next time this will happen and she just leaves? 2 years? 5 years? Another 10 years? How will I cope then? I'm old enough now (55) and I feel that it's too late for me to start over and am residing myself to the rest of my life alone, which is not something that I was working towards and is one of my biggest fears, living and dying alone. I feel that I don't have anything left to offer anybody - perhaps I should work on that then! 

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that it seems pointless to wait any longer and maybe giving her what she has asked for will also give me closure. It's such a waste of money I know, but at least she will be held accountable for her decisions, potentially stealing money and obtaining documents unlawfully in order to obtain money from my pension, during the process.

Sorry for the waffle.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Another very tough day today. I have decided that I shall start divorce proceedings for Adultery. I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past 4 weeks and certianly the past 2-3 days and with everybody's help and input have decided that I probably wouldn't be able to live with knowing that my wife has given little or no thought to breaching her wedding vows and my trust, and committed the most unforgivable betrayal. I would never be able to trust her again I don't think and will be forever wondering if she is still having an affair behind my back if I took her back (assuming she wanted to), if she is comparing all the time and when she will once again decide that she needs to run away and have another affair. I am now convinced that 10 years ago when she ran away for 9 months, she was also having an affair, even though she promised faithfully that she wasn't. I think she lied. I will not allow myself to be put in this position any longer.

Coupled with that, she has been dishonest with money, manipulated me so that I do not have the funds to live, move house or mount a legal defence and unlawfully certified documents without my knowledge in order to cash in one of my pensions to the shared account that she opened just 3 weeks prior to leaving.

Another noteable element of her not being here for 4 weeks now, is that my initial "withdrawal" type symptoms have now completely subsided and my upper back pain which was excrutiating on a daily basis for years - and getting progressively worse - has now subsided significantly to just slightly irritating. The hot/cold sweats, burning skin and full body convulsions that were prominent for the first 10 days after she left, have all now disappeared. I don't know the significance of this, but all I know is that I wasn't imagining it, it came on really bad about 2 days after she had left, all symptoms resemble withdrawal and now after 4 weeks, the symptoms have gone, despite me still being in a panic a lot of the time and constantly shaking.

Have a good night all and thank you for your input and support. It is very much appreciated.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> She isn't willing to talk. The way she has left - Classic WAW (Walk Away Wife) and SAS (Spousal Abandonment Syndrome) - comes with lies, deceit, and the unwillingness to communicate. This has been detailed heavily in Michelle Weiner-Davis' (MWD) work. Although with WAW it is usual that they nag or give some indication that there is something wrong in the relationship - this never happened which is why it fits more with SAS. There is nothing I can say to her and she will say nothing in return. Talking about the relationship or what happened is impossible, she will not. It's like she has turned into a completely different person devoid of all emotion. She will say what she will say for her own selfish reasons and accept no blame. It's truly horrible. The only way is no contact. I read MWD work 10 years back and wish I had read again over the years to maybe keep me on track and worked more at our marriage. But there was truly no indication anything was wrong. So anyway, talking is out of the equation.
> 
> Look like you can still have a decent conversation with your ex then? That's excellent and more cost effective. This has never been the case with mine since I found out she was off again. Nothing. So nothing can be sorted without 3rd party involvement. I don't know why she says she wants a divorce so quickly, but apparently it part of the WAW/SAS also. Perhaps I'll just crack on and give her what she wants - perhaps then she will want to talk when she knows it's getting real. I shan't hold out hope for this or hold any expectation. I know I need to get on with my life now and sharpish, but I feel that something's not right in her thinking and WHY has she been putting a kiss 'x' in her emails all the time? It's either purposefully manipulating to keep me hanging on in case she changes her mind keeping me as her Plan B, a conscious decision to continually break my heart, or she still has feelings and is confused. Apparently the WAW is going through a hard time mentally and emotionally (although you wouldn't know it).
> 
> ...


I'm so so sorry you are dealing with all this. Sounds like she has changed in a very bad way and not who she was when you married her. 55 is not old. I'm only a year behind you at 54 lol and lots of people our age go on to meet that someone special. Strange she puts an x in messages and emails. My ex and myself stopped doing that the day we seperated. Maybe it's a habit with her. Shame she won't talk and discuss how to make this easier for you both and cost less. I adopted an abused doggy a few months ago after losing my other 2 dogs in the space of 12 months  I was so devastated. I decided to adopt and she has helped me so much, plus she has a loving and safe furever home and I can spoil her rotten. Do you have any dogs? Dogs are great healers when we are going through traumas and loss. I only have to pop out for less than a minute and she is sooooo excited to see me when I come back in haha. Walking them is good for us and the dog too of course. She helps keep my mind focused and less stressed and more calm. I'd have a houseful of dogs if I could. Wish I had some good advice to give you. Just remember that although life is sh*t just now, life will get better and you will meet someone special when you least expect it. That's my thinking so I have some hope  Hope next week is a better week for you.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

"my upper back pain which was excrutiating on a daily basis for years - and getting progressively worse - has now subsided significantly to just slightly irritating. The hot/cold sweats, burning skin and full body convulsions that were prominent for the first 10 days after she left, have all now disappeared. I don't know the significance of this, but all I know is that I wasn't imagining it,"


All this and your other symptoms I have suffered. The worst was when I was stressed, anxious, panic attacks when I was around my ex husband. I was constantly walking on egg shells. Also strange mine have also eased since I left. I've noticed it will all kick off again if too stressed. Look up what stress can do to our bodies. I was so bad one night I thought I was having a stroke and going to die. My symptoms were there 24/7 and now calmed down lots. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm so so sorry you are dealing with all this. Sounds like she has changed in a very bad way and not who she was when you married her. 55 is not old. I'm only a year behind you at 54 lol and lots of people our age go on to meet that someone special. Strange she puts an x in messages and emails. My ex and myself stopped doing that the day we seperated. Maybe it's a habit with her. Shame she won't talk and discuss how to make this easier for you both and cost less. I adopted an abused doggy a few months ago after losing my other 2 dogs in the space of 12 months  I was so devastated. I decided to adopt and she has helped me so much, plus she has a loving and safe furever home and I can spoil her rotten. Do you have any dogs? Dogs are great healers when we are going through traumas and loss. I only have to pop out for less than a minute and she is sooooo excited to see me when I come back in haha. Walking them is good for us and the dog too of course. She helps keep my mind focused and less stressed and more calm. I'd have a houseful of dogs if I could. Wish I had some good advice to give you. Just remember that although life is sh*t just now, life will get better and you will meet someone special when you least expect it. That's my thinking so I have some hope  Hope next week is a better week for you.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> ...


I would love a dog. I used to have 2 German Shepherds years back and trained them - one for working trials and police dog handling, the other for agility. I miss them. Again they were taken in a relationship split. I would get a dog now if I could, but it would appear that that would limit my housing options.

Thank you for your kind words. I am going through a really tough time at the moment and I feel panicked 24/7 again. This is really tough. With no family or immediate friends local to me I am having to deal with this all alone and quite frankly, I don't know how to cope with it all.

I don't feel like there is any future for me at this stage (I'm sure that I'm wrong). I put my all and 19 years of my life into this relationship and that wasn't enough for her. But then she's just continuing to play out her playbook without the thought of consequence. Meet somebody new, dump the current one ... ad infinitum. I feel like such a sucker and to end it all without conversation, a chance to rectify any issue, nothing being raised as an issue and continuing to live as a happy couple up until the last minute, is a complete mindf***, if you get my drift and something that I don't think I will ever get over. It's like a car accident or something - happens out of the blue and changes your life forever.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> "my upper back pain which was excrutiating on a daily basis for years - and getting progressively worse - has now subsided significantly to just slightly irritating. The hot/cold sweats, burning skin and full body convulsions that were prominent for the first 10 days after she left, have all now disappeared. I don't know the significance of this, but all I know is that I wasn't imagining it,"
> 
> All this and your other symptoms I have suffered. The worst was when I was stressed, anxious, panic attacks when I was around my ex husband. I was constantly walking on egg shells. Also strange mine have also eased since I left. I've noticed it will all kick off again if too stressed. Look up what stress can do to our bodies. I was so bad one night I thought I was having a stroke and going to die. My symptoms were there 24/7 and now calmed down lots.
> 
> YNWA


Interesting. I cannot understand how the worst symptoms I had after 2 days of her leaving I have never experienced again, even though I am in such a mess emotionally and still have all the panic-related stuff.

What's YNWA?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How do you think your wife found someone?
It’s super easy to find someone with all the communication tech nowadays. I good person, always hard. No reason to think you can’t find someone else. That’s wrong thinking. Lots of life yet to live. After experiencing your cheater, might even be lots better days ahead. Yes, she cheated the first time and lied.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> How do you think your wife found someone?


Work I reckon, either an employee or a client. It's the only place she goes. She met me at work also.



Evinrude58 said:


> It’s super easy to find someone with all the communication tech nowadays. I good person, always hard. No reason to think you can’t find someone else. That’s wrong thinking. Lots of life yet to live. After experiencing your cheater, might even be lots better days ahead.


Yeah I know. I just haven't had a lot of luck on the lady front in my life. I suppose it's gotta change at some stage, although it can wait for a while as I need to get over this.



Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, she cheated the first time and lied.


My thought now exactly. I have spent 10 years wondering and wanting to believe her. Next time I shall trust my intuition as I was right all along. So she cheated on me within a year of being married. Nice.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I've just got off a Zoom meeting with my lawyer. Wow, what a lovely girl she is and really put my mind at rest. She's going to set out a way forward for interim maintenance payments, request that the money taken from the saving account is returned and mention that we will be asking questions later about the whereabouts of all my dental claim money. She is also requesting the return of my car key, explaining that it is my wife's best interests to supply a statement for my disability claim and extend the rental of the property here. There is also a discussion about the payment of legal costs to be had, but that may need to wait for a later time.

She told me not to worry about needing to move just yet. How nice having somebody fighting your corner and taking all that pressure off and getting things moving rather than there being a stale-mate.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> With no family or immediate friends local to me I am having to deal with this all alone and quite frankly, I don't know how to cope with it all.


I think a dog companion would be wonderful for you.



Smilieman said:


> I would love a dog. I used to have 2 German Shepherds years back and trained them - one for working trials and police dog handling, the other for agility.


You have extensive experience training then and would have a dog that isn't going to destroy the place. This is very good. See below.



Smilieman said:


> I would get a dog now if I could, but it would appear that that would limit my housing options.


I'm a dog lover and simply won't live without at least 1. I also have a particular affection for "dangerous breeds". Pit Bulls, American Bulldogs, Shepherds, Malinois, Rotties, and pretty much any Mastiff. Before I bought a house I rented and there are things you can do to make renting with a dog easier than you thought.

First, you make up a folder for your dog. Inside have 

* A copy of your dogs municipal license, if licensing is required in your area. 

* Proof of renters insurance. Landlords like knowing you are a responsible owner who thinks of such things and that any possible damages would be covered by your policy.

* A letter from the vet stating the dog is well cared for, UTD on vaccines, and of sound temperament. Include a copy of the rabies vaccine certificate.

* Training certificates. You're obviously going to be capable of training the dog, so do some of it officially to get the paper proving your dog is well trained and unlikely to cause a problem.

* Letters of reference from previous landlords, trainers, etc.

Many landlords who normally wouldn't rent to a pet owner for fear of their property being damaged or who won't rent to an owner of certain breeds for fear of the dog attacking and being sued will see a folder like I mentioned above and reconsider. I got 2 "no pets" rentals, which were my last houses before we became owners, with dogs by showing I am a responsible dog owner and my dogs are well trained and very unlikely to trash their property.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> I think a dog companion would be wonderful for you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What a good idea. It's different here in the Uk though. no licence required anymore and training certificates? Never heard of them. I suppose i can make one on the PC though  

I would prefer to rent somewhere first and then approach to get a dog after a time. Shame though as I could quite easily go and get one now. I have missed my dogs for 26 years and have always longed for another. Perhaps I'll consider.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Interesting. I cannot understand how the worst symptoms I had after 2 days of her leaving I have never experienced again, even though I am in such a mess emotionally and still have all the panic-related stuff.
> 
> What's YNWA?


Sorry I'm a Liverpool football supporter and this is part of the lyrics to "you'll never walk alone" which is what the YNWA means. 


When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark

YNWA

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Sorry I'm a Liverpool football supporter and this is part of the lyrics to "you'll never walk alone" which is what the YNWA means.


Aah! Not a footbally I'm afraid. One of the most violent sports around, in as much as it promotes fan violence. I'm more into martial arts, the only sport I know where you can virtually almost kill somebody and then shake hands and hug afterwards as you both hold that much respect for each other - much more civilized


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> What a good idea. It's different here in the Uk though. no licence required anymore and training certificates? Never heard of them. I suppose i can make one on the PC though
> 
> I would prefer to rent somewhere first and then approach to get a dog after a time. Shame though as I could quite easily go and get one now. I have missed my dogs for 26 years and have always longed for another. Perhaps I'll consider.


Here is the US most municipalities require dogs and cats be licensed. You pay a small fee, they check vaccination certificates to make sure the animal has it's rabies, then they give you a tag for your dogs collar. If your dog is lost and taken to the city shelter they can easily locate you by pulling the record associated with the tag's number. If no tag or an expired tag they usually scar for a microchip and then you get a nice fine for not licensing your dog and have to license your dog before you can take them home. Licensing fees go to fund Animal Control and the shelter.

When I've taken my dogs to classes usually there is a certificate presented at the end stating your dogs name and your name along with the title of the class completed. The AKC (American Kennel Club) also has "Good Citizen" certificates and other programs where you show an instructor/judge your dogs obedience in real world situations and they give you a certificate. The general idea being to do everything possible to document you're a good and responsible owner of a well trained pet.

If you can reasonably consider it I say go for it. No relationship in the world like master and dog.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Smilieman said:


> You are right here, 100%. She is a total liar.
> 
> After she had agreed to provide a statement for me (which would have supported my claim), I received an email fro her today saying that her lawyer has told her that it not in "our" best interests and that the Doctors opinion would be enough - well her lawyer is wrong, as I have the claim form! So she has now back out and said that she will not be helping me support my claim. That is so cold and callous. After all those years knowing how this has affected my life, and she is going to ignore that and just cast me aside as she has done already? How could anybody with a heart and any morality, do that? How?
> 
> ...


She refused to fill out the form because it makes her liable for your care.Once she fills it out it is official.
She would then officially admit your disability.

You are still her husband on paper.

And, it casts her in a bad light, if it goes to court. 
The judge, His or Her Honor, J. Smith, QC. would look at her with disdain, with her being a member of the court....and all.
With her abandoning an ill man of lesser means.

Any official duties performed by your wife, thereafter, would be met with snickers, maybe rancor, ah, perhaps.
You say you are from a small town, well, her treatment of you will be whispered on high.

You are still married, and should STAY married until she, herself, buckles at the knees.
She needs to come to terms with YOU, and not the other way around.


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Smilieman said:


> Another very tough day today. I have decided that I shall start divorce proceedings for Adultery. I have done a lot of soul-searching over the past 4 weeks and certianly the past 2-3 days and with everybody's help and input have decided that I probably wouldn't be able to live with knowing that my wife has given little or no thought to breaching her wedding vows and my trust, and committed the most unforgivable betrayal. I would never be able to trust her again I don't think and will be forever wondering if she is still having an affair behind my back if I took her back (assuming she wanted to), if she is comparing all the time and when she will once again decide that she needs to run away and have another affair. I am now convinced that 10 years ago when she ran away for 9 months, she was also having an affair, even though she promised faithfully that she wasn't. I think she lied. I will not allow myself to be put in this position any longer.
> 
> Coupled with that, she has been dishonest with money, manipulated me so that I do not have the funds to live, move house or mount a legal defence and unlawfully certified documents without my knowledge in order to cash in one of my pensions to the shared account that she opened just 3 weeks prior to leaving.
> 
> ...


Maybe her poisoning you came to an end when her notion to leave, halted her nightly potion being administered to you.
Hence, your symptoms are slowly subsiding.

Aye, this *Black Widow *thing may be a wild theory, or, may be a fact.

Get your blood, and hair, tested for illicit drugs, arsenic, rat poison, something off the shelf, blimey, off the charts of normal behavior!


_Nemesis-_


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Please dismiss the idea that you’ve been poisoned, that’s not going to help, it’s not true and you know it. What you probably had was a breakdown. Completely normal given the trauma of your marriage ending.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> When I've taken my dogs to classes usually there is a certificate presented at the end stating your dogs name and your name along with the title of the class completed. The AKC (American Kennel Club) also has "Good Citizen" certificates and other programs where you show an instructor/judge your dogs obedience in real world situations and they give you a certificate.


I remember taking my dog to obedience classes once (and I mean once) when she was 12 weeks old. She was so lovely. Out of all the dogs there she was the only one that was trained to do everything that was required of her. The instructor couldn't even walk her dog on the leash without it pulling so bad, let alone of the leash or sit-stay. My little dog out-shined the rest as I had trained her from the day I brought her home at 6 weeks - that's the easiest way straight from a puppy. So didn't see the point in going back, wen straight to agility, she loved that. Over the hurdles and see-saws, etc. I truly miss those days with all my heart.



MJJEAN said:


> If you can reasonably consider it I say go for it. No relationship in the world like master and dog.


I would if I could and you are completely right about the relationship - best relationships I ever had.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> She refused to fill out the form because it makes her liable for your care.Once she fills it out it is official.
> She would then officially admit your disability.
> 
> You are still her husband on paper.
> ...


Your comments are correct. I also thought that it would make her liable as she would need to admit that. She is being encouraged to write such statement by my lawyer.

Although still her husband, my lawyer has written with my intentions of divorcing for adultery. Doesn't mean to say I will file. Also ,y lawyer has requested what my wife's intentions are and requested the immediate repayment of the money she took.

What would make her buckle at the knees? and yes we are from a small town, but I doubt that she will be looked down on as people don't really know her well. They know me more as I'm the one who talks with people and start conversations. Perhaps word will get round at some stage. More importantly, seeing as she is using a lawyer colleague in-house (the same firm), they will be subject to information from my lawyer of theft and alleged fraud. And seeing as the wife is due to be made a Partner of the legal firm any time soon, it could have a disasterous effects if the Partnership find out about her questionnable deeds.

I don't want to be nasty and vindictive though, that' not me, but I won't take things lying down!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Maybe her poisoning you came to an end when her notion to leave, halted her nightly potion being administered to you.
> Hence, your symptoms are slowly subsiding.
> 
> Aye, this *Black Widow *thing may be a wild theory, or, may be a fact.
> ...


It is strange, as my back has never felt better for years. The pain I had in my back was debilitating and my thinking was always cloudy and muddled apart from the odd day here and there. After my really bad withdrawal type symptoms (that could have been stress but I've never experienced that as stress), my pain has been subsiding and my thinking has been becoming clearer each day. I haven't felt confused at all in the past week and a half, when this has been a daily occurrence for 7 entire years!

Makes you wonder. I think I'l find a lab and send some chest hairs off - only got a millimeter in the head. keep it short!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Please dismiss the idea that you’ve been poisoned, that’s not going to help, it’s not true and you know it. What you probably had was a breakdown. Completely normal given the trauma of your marriage ending.


Actually I don't know it. Perhaps it was a breakdown, but I have felt really ill for 7 years and now I am starting to feel a little different. Maybe it's psychological. Maybe worth a test anyway, just to rule it out. My wife's favourite reading material was True Crime, Murder & Psychological Thrillers. She was always telling me about how people were killing each other and the twists in the stories! Ah, perhaps just a coincidence. 

I'm not saying it's real, but I've had these issues continually. The symptoms I had that may have indeed been stress or shock, were awful and I felt really rough. I'm still under stress and shock, but I no longer have those symptoms at all.

Just thinking out loud.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Just been advised from my solicitor that she has sent the stbxw lawyer letter requesting intentions, sharing my intentions, requesting monies to be returned and maintenance to be paid. Nightmare. I feel awful.  Couldn't keep going on in limbo though, it's been over 4 weeks since she left and there has been no movement, despite the fact that she said that she wanted a divorce.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing and moving in the right direction. The $$$, I just can't believe that on top of EVERYTHING else she did to you, she was leaving you broke without access to funds. REALLY sh*tty thing to do, so I'm glad the lawyer is going after that also.
Don't feel awful -- feel positive that you are doing something about this and NOT accepting her crappy treatment of you!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing and moving in the right direction. The $$$, I just can't believe that on top of EVERYTHING else she did to you, she was leaving you broke without access to funds. REALLY sh*tty thing to do, so I'm glad the lawyer is going after that also.
> Don't feel awful -- feel positive that you are doing something about this and NOT accepting her crappy treatment of you!


Thank you for your words and yes, it was a really nasty thing to do and I can't get why she would do this, seeing as I haven't been nasty to her at all.

I have recognised today that I have been conditioned over time to become less than I used to be. She insisted on doing dealing with the post, the bills and doing most of the cooking. Seeing as I'm home all the time, I said that I would get the dinner ready each day and she said that it would be ready too early. Then after an hour or so being home, she would say she was going to cook the dinner. "I'll give you a hand", I'd say, "No that's ok, I'll put my music on and listen to that". I would go out to the kitchen, grab a knife and ask he to give me something to chop, but she said she'd do it. This is how it's been over time and eventually you just stop trying. She then goes and probably tells people that I don't help around the house. but I do!

I think I've been manipulated and I think she had a need to do this, be in control maybe?

My body doesn't want to not feel awful. It's the guilt I feel for standing up for myself probably.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Thank you for your words and yes, it was a really nasty thing to do and I can't get why she would do this, seeing as I haven't been nasty to her at all.
> 
> I have recognised today that I have been conditioned over time to become less than I used to be. She insisted on doing dealing with the post, the bills and doing most of the cooking. Seeing as I'm home all the time, I said that I would get the dinner ready each day and she said that it would be ready too early. Then after an hour or so being home, she would say she was going to cook the dinner. "I'll give you a hand", I'd say, "No that's ok, I'll put my music on and listen to that". I would go out to the kitchen, grab a knife and ask he to give me something to chop, but she said she'd do it. This is how it's been over time and eventually you just stop trying. She then goes and probably tells people that I don't help around the house. but I do!
> 
> ...


don't feel guilty AT ALL --- you have nothing to be guilty FOR. Yes what she was doing was very manipulative, and seems to me as not only controlling, but purposely TRYING to NOT have time together with you. Sucks.
Why she would do this even if YOU weren't nasty to her? Because she's and awful person -- no need to try to figure out more than that. She's shown you who she really is now -- believe her.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Because she's and awful person -- no need to try to figure out more than that. She's shown you who she really is now -- believe her.


In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) one of the presuppositions is "Calibrate on Behviour". Meaning that you cannot always believe that what people tell you is true, so instead look for changes in their behaviour. You are right - her behaviour has shown who she is. But how is it possible to flick from one 'person' the the other 'person', at the flick of a switch -- I'm not sure I can believe anything she says at this stage....

I think the guilt stems from when I was a kid and my mother used to stop talking to me for no reason. Had to try to second guess what I had done wrong - Nothing. The stbxw has done the exact same thing, left and not communicated and refuses to discuss.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Hope your stbxw will at least do the right thing that your solicitor is asking for in their letter. For some reason I think she is going to be so awkward and make as difficult as possible. Hope I'm wrong. Hope you are ok and stay strong.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Hope your stbxw will at least do the right thing that your solicitor is asking for in their letter. For some reason I think she is going to be so awkward and make as difficult as possible. Hope I'm wrong. Hope you are ok and stay strong.


I think you may be right here and that she is going to be awkward. I would expect her to come from that angle that she hasn't done anything wrong - that's the usual angle she takes, which will be a shame.

I am really struggling at the moment if truth be told. I feel so lonely and alone and I haven't got a clue how to find a place to live with no income or money. I'm in a panic this morning once again upon waking.....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I thought you were working with some of the public help departments to find housing? Again, you have some time to do that as she is paying for a few months, so don't panic. IN addition, you WILL have $$ as she will have to replace what she took, and hopefully your disability funds will come through soon.
As for lonely, I don't really know about the lock down situation still in the UK, but can you go out at all to meet folks? For instance going to a meetup (meetup.com) for things that interest you? Any hobbies that you like that you can interact with other folks (or hobbies you WANT to join in?)


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I thought you were working with some of the public help departments to find housing?


Not yet. If I work with the state housing, then they will only house me in the area where I am. Not knowing where the wife is now living and with her company having branches all over the area (and she works out of 2 of them and visits the others), it is likely that I could easily bump into her or her and her new lover. I would NOT be able to emotionally handle that. I need to talk to a charity here and see what my options are. I shall do that tomorrow.



jlg07 said:


> Again, you have some time to do that as she is paying for a few months, so don't panic. IN addition, you WILL have $$ as she will have to replace what she took, and hopefully your disability funds will come through soon.


"Don't Panic" - that's what my lawyer basically said. Although she has to agree to do this and she may be awkward about it. As far as disability, it looks like I won't qualify for that, due to the fact that it's all geared up for physical disabilities rather than neurological ones. If you can cook a meal, take medication and have a bath or shower without assistance, then you basically don't qualify. I shall submit my claim though and see if I get an assessment. This can take months.



jlg07 said:


> As for lonely, I don't really know about the lock down situation still in the UK, but can you go out at all to meet folks? For instance going to a meetup (meetup.com) for things that interest you? Any hobbies that you like that you can interact with other folks (or hobbies you WANT to join in?)


We're sort of OK here now, but groups tend to be meeting virtually. I'll look up on meetup. This town I'm living in is tiny though. Nothing going on here. There is a small group that I meet here on a Sunday that has come about to help cope with lockdowns and the effects, but that only consists of 3 or 4 people (including me), so that shows you how small this town is. It's nice to catch-up though and 3 of us went for a coffee this sunday gone. I have another coffee arrange with the founder of the group tomorrow, so that will be nice if she lets me know a time. Hopefully others will join too.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

So I'm officially on anti-depressants now and I feel pathetic for needing to take them. However, anxiety has been awful and constant over the past 4.5 weeks that I couldn't continue that way. Let's hope they help. It's amazing how we let people drive us to the point of despair.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> So I'm officially on anti-depressants now and I feel pathetic for needing to take them. However, anxiety has been awful and constant over the past 4.5 weeks that I couldn't continue that way. Let's hope they help. It's amazing how we let people drive us to the point of despair.


Don't feel pathetic for doing something to help yourself.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Don't feel pathetic for doing something to help yourself.


Cheers pal, I guess that's what I'm doing. Hopefully just short-term eh, get through the worst of it.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

It's been a few days since my last post and not much has happened apart from I am still trying to come to terms with this. I haven't heard anything from my wife either directly, or through my lawyer, so I really haven't got a clue what's happening which doesn't really help much or whether she still wants a divorce. I have only been on the anxiety meds now for just touching a week and its been a struggle with the side effects (undesired effects) and I have struggled to get and keep going throughout the day due to feeling strange. The doctor reckons that it's just my body getting used to them so I'll keep going, but I am just a trifle concerned that they are affecting my Vestibular Migraine symptoms as they are exactly the same but exacerbated. We shall see. Nothing is topping these shakes or feels of panic though, which are the worst.

I need to start looking for places to live now and try to co-ordinate a move. I really wish there was somewhere I could go on a temporary basis and put my stuff in storage, so that I am able to sit and think about where I want to be after all this calms down and I get chance to think. But it looks like I haven't got the time to do that and I need to start selling all of my belongings that I own (and it's isn't much), as it is unlikely that I will be able to take them with me as I will need to live in a much smaller place. The thought of where, what and how is enough to cause me to start shaking uncontrollably. Crikey! And I'm supposed to be a bloke for pete's sake!

In 10 days time the wife will be coming with her sister to collect her things and the thought of that makes me feel physically ill. I don't know how to prepare to that either mentally or otherwise, but it's going to be a tough day. A friend is coming over to be here with me for support, so there's that. I suppose I'll just let her get on with what she needs to do.

I think my next stage now is to start looking at what I need to take with me and make a list and then start getting rid of some things and packing other stuff. I also need to see about how much some cheap storage will cost for the belongings I don't want to sell, but can't take with me immediately.

I just wish I had some family or a friend that I could stay with for a while, as that would make the moving out to a temporary place an easier process. Instead I have to find somewhere to be and probably pay the rent for the entire year, committing to the location, even though I don't know if that's where I want to be.

What a nightmare.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> It's been a few days since my last post and not much has happened apart from I am still trying to come to terms with this. I haven't heard anything from my wife either directly, or through my lawyer, so I really haven't got a clue what's happening which doesn't really help much or whether she still wants a divorce. I have only been on the anxiety meds now for just touching a week and its been a struggle with the side effects (undesired effects) and I have struggled to get and keep going throughout the day due to feeling strange. The doctor reckons that it's just my body getting used to them so I'll keep going, but I am just a trifle concerned that they are affecting my Vestibular Migraine symptoms as they are exactly the same but exacerbated. We shall see. Nothing is topping these shakes or feels of panic though, which are the worst.
> 
> I need to start looking for places to live now and try to co-ordinate a move. I really wish there was somewhere I could go on a temporary basis and put my stuff in storage, so that I am able to sit and think about where I want to be after all this calms down and I get chance to think. But it looks like I haven't got the time to do that and I need to start selling all of my belongings that I own (and it's isn't much), as it is unlikely that I will be able to take them with me as I will need to live in a much smaller place. The thought of where, what and how is enough to cause me to start shaking uncontrollably. Crikey! And I'm supposed to be a bloke for pete's sake!
> 
> ...


Was just wondering how you were, and sorry you are dealing with all this on top of your health. I just binned my antidepressants because they made me worse in every way  couldn't function, my whole body would shake as though I was having a seizure, found it hard to get out of bed and some days my thoughts got so dark I just wanted to try and sleep through them. My chronic fatigue got worse, my vision got worse, crying lots, so so many more debilitating side effects. These were the 8th antidepressants they got me to try over a few years and they all made me feel like I was going loopy. Hope yours do actually help you. I'm in the UK also. Send me a private message if you want and will see if I have anyone I know in your area who can help. They may be able to forward me local support groups for you, and support on getting help with moving etc. Or maybe I can search online where you can get support etc. Stay strong.

Ps let me know any questions or write a list of all you need support and help with, and can try and work it all out for you. There are lots of places locally everywhere who can support and help in these situations.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Was just wondering how you were, and sorry you are dealing with all this on top of your health. I just binned my antidepressants because they made me worse in every way  couldn't function, my whole body would shake as though I was having a seizure, found it hard to get out of bed and some days my thoughts got so dark I just wanted to try and sleep through them. My chronic fatigue got worse, my vision got worse, crying lots, so so many more debilitating side effects. These were the 8th antidepressants they got me to try over a few years and they all made me feel like I was going loopy. Hope yours do actually help you. I'm in the UK also. Send me a private message if you want and will see if I have anyone I know in your area who can help. They may be able to forward me local support groups for you, and support on getting help with moving etc. Or maybe I can search online where you can get support etc. Stay strong.
> 
> Ps let me know any questions or write a list of all you need support and help with, and can try and work it all out for you. There are lots of places locally everywhere who can support and help in these situations.
> 
> ...


I'm sure that these tablets are making things worse also. I'll keep with it for a couple of weeks longer as I have a follow-up. I also have a hypnotherapy appointment monday. I send a PM also. I have been having issues trying to find places that you mention.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Argh! Having such a bad time at the moment. Some days aren't so bad still and then somehow just hits you again. This roller-coaster ride needs to stop soon as it's stopping me from thinking and functioning properly. Of course it's all the thoughts going round in my head, coupled with the fact that for some reason, my wife or her lawyer doesn't seem be communicating with mine. This doesn't help as I am supposed to be getting some for of interim Spousal Support (Alimony) and notification about a few other things, plus the return of the money that was taken. But for 6 weeks I have been in limbo and quite frankly it's making my head feel like a food blender.

It doesn't help that I have 6 weeks to look for an find another place in another part of the country - I can't stay anywhere around here. We have lived and worked all over this area and it holds too many memories - I need a clean break and somewhere I can live my life without the risk of bumping into any memories, or her and her new guy. I have one friend and was looking to live around where he is. He has connections so I would be able to build up my network a bit, but it's the other wise of the country in the cold and the wet a lot of the time and I'm worried about committing to there just be be near a friend .... he's got his own life and relationship, so I'm conscious of that.

I wouldn't believe the stress I would be under in finding somewhere to be. I have the entire country to decide where to go and I just don't know. I suppose it's hard ripping up my roots that have been firmly embedded in this are for 19 years of our relationship and 55 years of my life. Just to up-root and say goodbye to all I have ever known and come familiar with, to take a risk of being somewhere else that I don't really know. Why can't I see it as an opportunity? Instead I see it as saying goodbye to my entire life and all I have ever known. All on top of the stress and anxiety of my wife walking out, having an affair, wanting a divorce and taking all of the savings just 6 short weeks ago. I have 6 weeks left to find a place to live and move there ... the clock is ticking.

I still don't understand why she (the wife) hasn't responded even though she mentioned she wanted a divorce inside of the 2 weeks after she left. I still feel that this is not what she wants and I can't explain why.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> coupled with the fact that for some reason, my wife or her lawyer doesn't seem be communicating with mine. This doesn't help as I am supposed to be getting some for of interim Spousal Support (Alimony) and notification about a few other things, plus the return of the money that was taken. But for 6 weeks I have been in limbo and quite frankly it's making my head feel like a food blender.


You need to tell your lawyer to get on their case -- that is THEIR job and why you are paying them.
If they don't respond in X days, take them to court or whatever other action can be done. If you lawyer isn't stepping up -- find a better one and get your money back from them since they didn't actually DO any billable hours for you...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> It doesn't help that I have 6 weeks to look for an find another place in another part of the country - I can't stay anywhere around here.


You are making this too hard on yourself. You need a place to live period. You don't have to live there for the rest of your life. Take care of one problem at a time. In the six weeks she has been gone, how many times have you run into her while you were out and about?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You need a place to live period. You don't have to live there for the rest of your life.


I have been considering a short-term rental somewhere to get my head straight and put my things in temporary storage. The only downside to that is that short-term lettings here are holiday break cost and are virtually 4x the cost. I need to get out of here as rent is up end of August.



Blondilocks said:


> In the six weeks she has been gone, how many times have you run into her while you were out and about?


This is true, I have been making it hard and I've been trying to simplify it. Although I don't need to live there for the rest of my life, it is usual to sign up for a year's contract (there maybe 6 monthly contracts if I can find one). I know that a year goes by fast also, but don't want to be stuck somewhere for that long if it turns out to be rubbish. I have been avoiding going to places she may be during times then she may be at work so that I don't bump into her. I don't even know if she is working from there anymore as she may be working from the main branch in the city again now, specifically so that she is not in the same town as me. In short, I don't know, but I am still living life on a knife-edge just in case I bump into her. I need to keep the risks of that down for my own sanity.

Still got some thinking to do on that one I think.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You need to tell your lawyer to get on their case -- that is THEIR job and why you are paying them.
> If they don't respond in X days, take them to court or whatever other action can be done. If you lawyer isn't stepping up -- find a better one and get your money back from them since they didn't actually DO any billable hours for you...


You are right. I put a call out last Friday to ask that they confirm receipt of payment into their account and I've heard nothing from that either. I shall push them this week as I need to call about the payment thing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> In short, I don't know, but I am still living life on a knife-edge just in case I bump into her. I need to keep the risks of that down for my own sanity.


THIS is something YOU need to work on. I realize that right now, the emotions and hurt are VERY high for you. Maybe if you can -- get some counseling for yourself to work these emotions and feelings of no justice in your own head. 
At some point, you really WILL NOT care about her, what she is doing, what she did, etc.. If you see her out -- just ignore her. OR you can just say have your lawyer call mine you cheating A-hole.....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> THIS is something YOU need to work on. I realize that right now, the emotions and hurt are VERY high for you. Maybe if you can -- get some counseling for yourself to work these emotions and feelings of no justice in your own head.
> At some point, you really WILL NOT care about her, what she is doing, what she did, etc.. If you see her out -- just ignore her. OR you can just say have your lawyer call mine you cheating A-hole.....


Yes Sir, emotions are awful. Counseling is too expensive for my budget. I have been waiting to the health service counselling, but 6 weeks on I still haven't heard. It's CBT. I had Hypnotherapy last night to try to get in a position to control these emotions a bit better. It helped at the time and I suppose now, but I can feel it brewing again.

I'd like the point to come where I really don't care what she does. I need to tell her to get her lawyer to contact mine on the weekend when she comes to collect her stuff, if I still haven't heard. Actually, I may get mine to chase.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

You can get free counselling on the NHS via phone. They will phone you up once a week I think but you need to arrange with your dr. Tell your dr your mental health is bad atm and you want to be put forward for the telephone counselling. I'm going to sign up for this myself. Also your drs should have a mental health nurse at the surgery. Ask if you can talk with her and she will be able to give you good advice, tell you of places near you that are free. There are more support groups for men now with depression and anxiety and they arrange meetings and days out. Ask the nurse if any near you. There are also numbers you can text for free and chat with a professional via text on your worst days. They can also forward you for more support if needed.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> You can get free counselling on the NHS via phone. They will phone you up once a week I think but you need to arrange with your dr. Tell your dr your mental health is bad atm and you want to be put forward for the telephone counselling. I'm going to sign up for this myself. Also your drs should have a mental health nurse at the surgery. Ask if you can talk with her and she will be able to give you good advice, tell you of places near you that are free. There are more support groups for men now with depression and anxiety and they arrange meetings and days out. Ask the nurse if any near you. There are also numbers you can text for free and chat with a professional via text on your worst days. They can also forward you for more support if needed.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> ...


Thank you for that. Funny enough, I have literally had a call from the Well-Being services - appointment today @ 1pm! Better get some lunch then.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You need to tell your lawyer to get on their case -- that is THEIR job and why you are paying them.


Just heard from the lawyer today - she is writing a chasing letter to send tomorrow and just wanted to confirm with me if any payments have been made, as requested in her previous letter to the stbxw's lawyer, as she hasn't heard a thing. So she's on the case!!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Why are some days worse than others and why do people always let me down? I've been awake since 2am this morning with images of my wife and her affair partner going through my mind - why am I doing this to myself. I had my second appointment arranged (over Zoom of course) with the hypnotherapist this morning and he text me to let me know that he is ill and cant make it and rescheduled for tomorrow. We are supposed to be doing stuff to help me with the stress and coping with the stbxw visit on Saturday. Why is it that every single thing in my life seems to go wrong, especially when I feel like this? What's the point of this? Is it somebody 'up there' testing me or something? Surely it's about time at 55 years old to have some kind of luck other than bad.....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Update: Lawyer has sent email to my stbxw's lawyer requesting:

1 - Confirm where you have been instructed to act for her. If you are not then they will contact stbxw directly.
2 - Otherwise respond to our previous letter by end of business Friday (9th)

Obviously it was worded better than this, but very strong and brief - which is good.

She then sent another email to me saying that if they don't hear then we need to have a conversation as everything will then need to go through the courts and the divorce petition will need to be filed at the same time.

So it all kicks off on Saturday with her coming to collect her stuff (if she shows) and then she will be served next week with divorce papers and court documents to provide spousal maintenance, etc. So not only has the stbxw taken the money, she has also chosen not to communicate (again) leading to high legal costs which she said she wanted to avoid.

Ho Hum, the psychology of a Wayward Wife. No wonder I'm stressed....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Update: Lawyer has sent email to my stbxw's lawyer requesting:
> 
> 1 - Confirm where you have been instructed to act for her. If you are not then they will contact stbxw directly.
> 2 - Otherwise respond to our previous letter by end of business Friday (9th)
> ...


Things have got worse. I have just received a call from the house rental agent. The wife contacted her a week ago saying that she will no longer be paying rent. So she told me she would pay it until end of August, then I hear from the agent its end of July. So once again she lied.

She told the agent that I will be receiving a letter from her lawyer, which is why the agent waited a week so she wasn't the one breaking the news - well she was. I have received nothing and neither has my lawyer.

Instead of 6 weeks I now have 3.

I have put a call out to my lawyer and waiting a call back.

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Things have got worse. I have just received a call from the house rental agent. The wife contacted her a week ago saying that she will no longer be paying rent. So she told me she would pay it until end of August, then I hear from the agent its end of July. So once again she lied.
> 
> She told the agent that I will be receiving a letter from her lawyer, which is why the agent waited a week so she wasn't the one breaking the news - well she was. I have received nothing and neither has my lawyer.
> 
> ...


As for her coming to get her stuff -- why do you just bag it all up, and leave it someplace that she can retrieve it -- that way YOU don't have to deal with it.

Did she in email or text SAY that she would pay until August? If so, make sure you send THOSE to your lawyer also...


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Did she in email or text SAY that she would pay until August? If so, make sure you send THOSE to your lawyer also...


It was a telephone conversation that we had - I recorded it, cut that bit out and sent it over to the lawyer.  

I can't stop her entering the property as she is on the tenancy. I have no choice and I don't know what she wants to take. I really can't believe she is being like this ) I have done absolutely nothing to her and she is treating me like the most evil person in the entire world. She has fabricated costs, lied in her letter and just made stuff up! I was reading through it absolutely steaming!

It's obvious that she is going to my pensions.

She will accept adultery but with an "unnamed" person. I refused this. All parties involved need to be on public record, so tough. I be the guy is married.

She states that she is using her new Partner's car, but then says she is paying the lease. Then she says that she is paying the MoT (road worthy test), which the lease company should be doing for their vehicles. So this means that the MoT cost is for her car. So if she has got her car, which is she paying for a lease on her partner's car when she already has a car? Weird.

I could go on for ever. I have literally just finished typing the reply to my lawyer (it's 2am here almost)

I'm so angry and living in total disbelief.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Great that you have the stuff documented -- just KEEP doing that, provide your lawyer all they need to pursue your AWFUL STBXW. She really is a piece of work.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Great that you have the stuff documented -- just KEEP doing that, provide your lawyer all they need to pursue your AWFUL STBXW. She really is a piece of work.


I would never have thought in a millions years she'd be doing something like this. 8 weeks ago everything was fine and now it's my worst ever nightmare, virtually overnight! I really can't believe it. I really can't. Not this. this bad, out of the blue.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most all think that. You never really knew her.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

It would appear that I didn't. She kept that well hidden though and why wait so long. All the patterns I see seem to be targeted around money - waiting for my dental claim money and getting that ans now since April, options for drawing down my pension funds, so she's trying to get that. That's what I see anyway.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Sorry things have got worse  divorce should be made easier especially in situations like this. Will you have someone with you tomorrow so she can't lie and say stuff that didn't happen? I wouldn't trust her and record her if you can.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Sorry things have got worse divorce should be made easier especially in situations like this. Will you have someone with you tomorrow so she can't lie and say stuff that didn't happen? I wouldn't trust her and record her if you can.


I've got to the point that I just want rid of her now. I cannot believe the lengths she has gone to. I have a friend coming over to be here and hopefully another guy. I haven't got a voice activated recorder and I won't be following her around the house anyway.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> It would appear that I didn't. She kept that well hidden though and why wait so long.


@Smilieman You did know her actually, she did this 10 years ago didn't she?
And you took her back after she was gone for 9 month?

I'm not saying you deserve this, you don't, no one does, but sometimes we suffer from our own choices!
You could have been in way better place if you kicked her to the curb 10 years ago, but you didn't!

I'm really sorry that this happened to you!
Your only option is to be strong AND show only strength!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Smilieman You did know her actually, she did this 10 years ago didn't she?
> And you took her back after she was gone for 9 month?
> 
> I'm not saying you deserve this, you don't, no one does, but sometimes we suffer from our own choices!
> ...


Yes she did, but not this bad, although it was bad enough. I should have done and I would have been in a much better place with my career intact probably. this has done me for sure


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Smilieman I have an old friend from Brazil who had Vestibular Migraine and he was cured from it Vestibular Migraine using complex vitamins that includes high doses of vitamin D, if you interested I can reach out to him and ask him what did he do to achieve that.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Smilieman I have an old friend from Brazil who had Vestibular Migraine and he was cured from it Vestibular Migraine using complex vitamins that includes high doses of vitamin D, if you interested I can reach out to him and ask him what did he do to achieve that.


Oh man! I would love you forever - seriously! Thank you. I really want to get rid of this for good and is something that I have been trying for years - Vitamins, diet, drugs, turpentine protocol, clean plant-based eating, etc.....

I would be so grateful.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Sorry if I;m posting a lot today, things going on.....So,

Just has a Zoom call with my lawyer and she can see straight through the wife's BS and called it. So if she can then things are going to start unravelling. Once I have filed next week and petitioned for interim spousal maintenance then the next stage is for her to request all bank statement from my wife for the past 12 months, so that finances can be unravelled.

Apparently I must have missed the wording in the letter yesterday, but my wife has admitted co-habiting, adultery and is clearly lying about a lot of the other stuff. Letter has gone out this afternoon in reply to her lawyers communication and it reads extremely well. My lawyer doesn't seem to want to mess around. I've instructed her to divorce, marriage certificate sent off in the post to her so that will be next week then! And guess what? I no longer feel bad about it, still panicky, but not holding on to the relationship any longer it feels like - strange how just a mindset shift changes everything.

Just tomorrow to get through now.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Oh man! I would love you forever - seriously! Thank you. I really want to get rid of this for good and is something that I have been trying for years - Vitamins, diet, drugs, turpentine protocol, clean plant-based eating, etc.....
> 
> I would be so grateful.


I emailed him, will PM you when he responds


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> I emailed him, will PM you when he responds


Thank you so much. It will be nice to try something that has worked for somebody else. It would be good to know exactly what his symptoms were, although that would be a long email.

Thanks again, truly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> I've got to the point that I just want rid of her now. I cannot believe the lengths she has gone to. I have a friend coming over to be here and hopefully another guy. I haven't got a voice activated recorder and I won't be following her around the house anyway.


If you have a smartphone, you can DL voice activated recorder apps to your phone and use that.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If you have a smartphone, you can DL voice activated recorder apps to your phone and use that.


I have downloaded an app like that. Not very good though it just records all the time the VAR doesn't work at all.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I can feel the nerves starting to kick in now that I've been up for a while. A little over 4 hours to go - it'll either go fast, or go really slow. Either way I want this stage all over with. It feels like I've been waiting for this day to come for a very long time and I wish it had come sooner. Someone told me that she see's me as the enemy now and I really can't get my head around that. I have done nothing for her to see me in that way, she just decided in her mind that's how she will see me and I will be sorry that I won't be able to meet her expectations of me. My focus must be on me and how I am today rather than let her drain any more of my power and self-worth. I can't feel that's what she is doing now as I think about her coming today. Those thoughts are draining me and making those panic feelings build up inside. It's a horrible feeling, it really is.

I think that she will have a plan today, a list of things to get. As people have said, it feels easy to get dragged down into playing the games that she is playing and we all know that it takes both people to play in order for the game to be played.

Thank you all for being there, it's nice just to be able to connect in this way in such times as these and get a raft of differing viewpoints. I have to completely accept this is it now. Marriage over, this life over. I need to protect myself from her games and pick up and get on as best I can.

I hope that today will go swiftly and quickly. Thank you all for your support.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> I have downloaded an app like that. Not very good though it just records all the time the VAR doesn't work at all.


Got it working! So were good to go!


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Got it working! So were good to go!


If she tries in initiate any talk, tell her there is nothing to talk about, and your only regret was letting her back 10 years ago!
Show strength brother!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

My wife came to get her things. man it was tough. She rolled up in a new (2018) shiny Range Rover rubbing my nose in the fact that she has "Traded Up". 

She arrived 15 mins late and apologised. When I answered the door she was all happy and cheery (either putting it on or shoving her emotions away in a box) it was like she was going to vist one her old best friends. How can someone do that?

She arrived 15 mins late and apologised. In response I asked her how long she was likely to be and she said 45min to an hour. After a while she sent her sister downstairs to ask if she could take the suitcases. I had already pre-emted this and actually packed them with some of my old clothes and put them in the lounge set up like I was going somewhere. I also put a small rucksack on the top to make it look real. I had packed them full of old clothes to give them weight. I absolutely knew that she would try to take these. This would have meant that I wouldn't have had any suitcases if I choose to go away for a while. Bearing in mind that she is now driving around in this flashy car. She should have brought enough containers with her, in my view - only brought 3 boxes.

So basically in true Hypergamy fashion, she dropped me as I'm poor and off she's gone with somebody who hasn't got an issue to money. It's really annoyed me in a way, because she knew that I wanted us to set up a business and she held back from doing that. So rather than working to get to a place where she said she wanted us to be, she just had an affair with somebody who already had what she wanted and worked on them until she got to a stage where she could move in with him.

She always used to (say that she) disliked people posing around in their flashy cars, and now she is one of them. Personally I think this is shallow, but I'm emotionally bias at the moment. I certainly wouldn't use that as the reason to live with somebody. I would quite happily live poorish for the rest of my life if I had an honest and loving relationship.

It is obvious that she couldn't give a **** about my feelings having "showed" me the type of lifestyle that she is now living and one which I wanted us to create together. How foolish do I feel for waiting around for her to work on a business together - she never wanted to work for it, just wanted to exchange sex for it. Argh!

I staying in the lounge with my friend with the door open so I could see what was happening through the doorway occasionally.

The very interesting thing was, at the end she came out into the kitchen as I was in there washing the coffee pot up and she handed me my spare car key and the garage door fob. I said thank you. Then she handed me my appointment with the endocrine clinic and said that it was in her handbag. I said thank you again and asked her if she has taken everything that she wanted to take. She said that she couldn't fit anything else in the car and that she still had her dressing table, etc to get. In my mind she has had the opportunity to collect the things she felt were important and therefore I think it's reasonable for her to have the rest of her things when I have moved out from here.

But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while.

It was horrible but I survived the ordeal. I'm rapidly going downhill at the moment now it's over, the panic is setting in fast, my dizziness has got much much worse and my neck is so painful (something I haven't had since my wife has left). So, I'm very emotionally beaten up right now and shaking like a good'n.

Anyway, I survived the ordeal without coming across pathetic, so that's good. But now I actually know that she has left me for somebody who is affluent. We have never had a lot of money as we were both in debt, so have never had the nice house, car & things. So instead of us working together to create them as I wanted to do by us starting a business together, she decided to just have an affair with somebody who has already got that stuff and has been obviously working her way into their life until she was in a position to move in. To me that is shallow.

I'm finding it really tough now. My mate left a while ago and I'm left with just my thoughts...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> I have downloaded an app like that. Not very good though it just records all the time the VAR doesn't work at all.


If you have android, there is a var that works well -- you just have to set the recording thresholds correctly so that it isn't as sensitive. The one I have is VA Recorder has a Threshold setting and a "stop after xseconds of silence" setting....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If you have android, there is a var that works well -- you just have to set the recording thresholds correctly so that it isn't as sensitive. The one I have is VA Recorder has a Threshold setting and a "stop after xseconds of silence" setting....


Did that, sussed it. She's been, gone without any event. Tough now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So just realize this -- YOU DID NOTHING to deserve this. It is who she REALLY is and has been BSing you for a long time. Not your fault -- you loved and trusted her, and she took advantage of that.
She is POS. Forget her, let the lawyer do her thing -- maximize EVERYTHING you can get out of her - alimony, all the money back that she took, etc.. Seriously -- it's time for your lawyer to shark up. Do NOTHING for your STBX -- "we'll, I feel bad if..." "we'll she really should have..." NONE of that. Look out for yourself.
She has shown that what matters to HER is money. Hit her where it counts.

Just remember -- she left you for someone who has $$$, so what does that make her? Prostituting herself for what?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> She is POS


POS?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So just realize this -- YOU DID NOTHING to deserve this. It is who she REALLY is and has been BSing you for a long time. Not your fault -- you loved and trusted her, and she took advantage of that.
> She is POS. Forget her, let the lawyer do her thing -- maximize EVERYTHING you can get out of her - alimony, all the money back that she took, etc.. Seriously -- it's time for your lawyer to shark up. Do NOTHING for your STBX -- "we'll, I feel bad if..." "we'll she really should have..." NONE of that. Look out for yourself.
> She has shown that what matters to HER is money. Hit her where it counts.
> 
> Just remember -- she left you for someone who has $$$, so what does that make her? Prostituting herself for what?


I sometimes have a hard time thinking that things may have been different if I hadn't go this condition. But then I think that this IS who she is and she has proven that by having an affair before and moving out for 9 months and then doing it again. If she wanted out, there are other ways of doing it than by having affairs being deceitful and tyring to ruin someone's life - what she gets out of doing that is beyond me, but perhaps she is showing that she has control over me.

Yep, lawyer on the case.

This is what I have been thinking. She has basically been exhanging sex so that she can grab hold of somebody else's 'things'. Good luck to her, as long as she's happy. She has got so superficial it can come across to me, a bit pathetic.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If it makes you feel any better, a Range Rover is one of the best pieces of junk out there, and will leave her stranded if she keeps it long.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If it makes you feel any better, a Range Rover is one of the best pieces of junk out there, and will leave her stranded if she keeps it long.


Funny you should say that as my friend shares your sentiment. Here's what he said when I told him:

_"range rover that’s hysterical - she / they will spend a f'ing fortune keeping it running. they are the biggest pieces of **** on the road. serves them right. my mate owns a garage that works on them - he makes a fortune on them. they go wrong for fun. even brand new ones - they had to do an engine change the other week on one that was 2 years old. £12000 for the engine alone. "_

Then when I sent him a photo of it:

_"that rangey is a nice colour for a piece of sh!t car. status - know it all, show it all, owe it all."_


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Funny you should say that as my friend shares your sentiment. Here's what he said when I told him:
> 
> _"range rover that’s hysterical - she / they will spend a f'ing fortune keeping it running. they are the biggest pieces of **** on the road. serves them right. my mate owns a garage that works on them - he makes a fortune on them. they go wrong for fun. even brand new ones - they had to do an engine change the other week on one that was 2 years old. £12000 for the engine alone. "_
> 
> ...


This is true. My ex had a range rover and the same happened to him. He couldn't just get a new part for his engine, he had to get a brand new engine and replace it. Plus he had electrical problems. That thing cost us thousands so he got rid and got a brand new Ford Ranger.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> She arrived 15 mins late and apologised. When I answered the door she was all happy and cheery (either putting it on or shoving her emotions away in a box) it was like she was going to vist one her old best friends. How can someone do that?


@Smilieman, what I'm about to say might not be comfortable for you, I think there is something you need to look deeper in your 19 years of relationship with her, your wife has left the marriage emotionally for a very long time, you just didn't know or see it, you just found out, she is way ahead of you, she is ahead of the curve, and that's why she is acting in a way that baffles you, it's all fresh to you but not to her!

Here is the painful part: *Your STXW was cheating on you for the entire duration of your marriage (11 years) if not before that.*
And when you started to get health problems she was probably thinking that she will have to take care of you for the rest of her life and she is only 45, not many wives are welling to do so!
Plus being the breadwinner is a problem to many women (not all!).
And she was taking care of all the finance from bank accounts to budget to God knows what, and you had no idea what's going on, you weren't even the financial planner for the family or the decision maker, you didn't even check the bank accounts, she was shifting money around and doing all the things while you had no idea!
So what was your role in all of this other than doing house chores? How was your bedroom action like?

I know, you will say I pulled my weight when I was working, but that has changed since you started getting health issues!
She had the pants on for years, and she thought maybe it's time to find someone who I can live with as normal feminine wife like all my friends and family!
She is thinking that since she 45 she better do it now and do it quick before the train leaves the station and becomes invisible to all men when she hits 50!
Thus she started having affairs to find a suitable mate for her, until she successfully hit the *JACK POT: The rich SIMP that was willing to take her and wife her up!*

He is probably so bad looking and socially awkward that he couldn't or doesn't have the skills to find any attractive women who was willing to settle with him, or maybe he is *way older* and hitting his 60s, and for him she is young and pretty and the best he could ever do, so why not?!
You are probably *Don Juan* compared to him!
She will probably make him her Beta provider, and have some fun on the side (affairs), we now know for a fact that she is very deceptive, cunning and capable of doing so!
She was cheating on you for a very long time probably with many different guys, and you didn't know it, and your thinking you had a wonderful marriage and a wife because she hugged you, kissed you and gave you some duty sex to keep you around and keep the house running, while you became so complacent in your marriage thinking that you've locked her for ever (until death due us apart)!
You didn't have a normal healthy marriage, you think you do, but I doubt it, you said you have no family and not many friends around, so you had no way to compare your marriage with others!

A friend of a friend of mine had something similar happen to him, but he didn't have health issues, he had big financial problems, his wife at the time was 37 and smoking hot, left him one day, he came home and all her stuff was gone, just like that, Boom, they were talking about their future and how to plan a trip for the summer just a day before, he was completely blindsided and was devastated, she got divorced and moved in with a wealthy older man, her X was surprised and shocked, he was young, fit (gym ripped) and a good husband, why did she do this?! how can someone switch like that?! he learned later she was having several affairs when his financial problem started, being attractive and fit is not what makes many woman settle and be a wife, resources is the upmost important for them (not all, but many women do) his xwife wanted to secure her future using short cuts, and that was more important to her than her own fidelity!

So after a year he finds her in a night club with some young man, dancing and kissing, only one year since she married the rich guy, he took videos and sent it to her new husband (the rich guy), he divorced her and she tried to get back to him, of course he told her to kick rocks, but the take is, these type of women are not loyal, they are not capable of true love and fidelity, if you think deeply about it, you will realise you didn't lose any thing worth value!

Look back, you didn't have a great marriage, try to see how she behaved through out the past few years, it will be hard since you're isolated and have no way to compare a healthy marriage, but try and you will see some signs here and there!

She was cheating on you for years but you had no idea!
You have plenty of time to look back in retrospective, and to read many books about relationships dynamics, here is a book I recommend for you, it's a good read and short, it will be an eye opener:

Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man eBook : South, Joseph: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> *But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. * Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while.


The worst thing you can do at this point is have hopium. Start over analyzing everything.

Bottom line is she got her things and left didn’t she? Her actions say she’s done and moved on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> I sometimes have a hard time thinking that things may have been different if I hadn't go this condition. But then I think that this IS who she is and she has proven that by having an affair before and moving out for 9 months and then doing it again. If she wanted out, there are other ways of doing it than by having affairs being deceitful and tyring to ruin someone's life - what she gets out of doing that is beyond me, but perhaps she is showing that she has control over me.
> 
> Yep, lawyer on the case.
> 
> This is what I have been thinking. She has basically been exhanging sex so that she can grab hold of somebody else's 'things'. Good luck to her, as long as she's happy. She has got so superficial it can come across to me, a bit pathetic.


Like most. This didn’t just happen overnight.This is who she is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> POS?


Piece of SH*T.....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Here is the painful part: *Your STXW was cheating on you for the entire duration of your marriage (11 years) if not before that.*
> And when you started to get health problems she was probably thinking that she will have to take care of you for the rest of her life and she is only 45, not many wives are welling to do so!
> Plus being the breadwinner is a problem to many women (not all!).
> And she was taking care of all the finance from bank accounts to budget to God knows what, and you had no idea what's going on, you weren't even the financial planner for the family or the decision maker, you didn't even check the bank accounts, she was shifting money around and doing all the things while you had no idea!
> So what was your role in all of this other than doing house chores? How was your bedroom action like?


You are right - that is painful! You said to look back and try to see the clues, but there really isn't any I can see. I can't. When she used to go out with work some evenings I used to drop her off and then pick her up, so she never made her way home or was late and I saw and knew all of her work collegues - all women. She never went out on her own in the evenings or on weekends, we done everything together. I have thought of this though, that she has been cheating since not long after we got married and I wasn't ill then either, so there was no excuse - she just did that and therefore it is the person she was - and that she has been somehow cheating on me all this time.

It's not right that somebody should do that though. She has carted me around from place to place, we have moved 3 times since I've had this issue. Why? Why not leave sooner if she didn't want to be with me? Not not just say that she is done years ago and let us both go our own way. She was waiting for my dental claim money to come through, that has been in the pipeline for 6.5 years. I can see that clearly now, because as soon as I got that she sprung into action suggesting what she thought was the best thing to do with it and now I find that she stole it And then she was waiting for me to be able to access my pensions when I was 55 - this year - and then she sprung in to action again, opening yet another joint account to be able to access the money that she suggested taking out from my pension as a lump sum, shortly after she had left.

The bedroom was virtually dead these past years - very sporadic. I knew there was an issue. she was more intent on reading but never refused and she turned to me when she was 'in the mood'. Once every couple of months was about it, if that. She would never talk about it. She would never talk about anything remotely emotion related.

You are right that I don't have any other persons marriage to compare mine to. I have noticed looking back though that she manipulated me to fall out with my old Karate instructor, who was a dear good friend and my best man. When we got back together last time, she gave me the indication that his wife had started talking bad about me and that made her start to think about things, so she decided to leave me the first time. This was obviously a lie and it ruined the relationship that I had with my friend - I drifted away from him. I tried to get back in touch, but it didn't work out.

I feel stupid for not noticing something and totally betrayed. There is nothing that I can see as to how she has had an affair as the only time she got was while she was at work. It wouldn't surprise me if she is with the same person that she was with back then and they have plotted and schemed. Perhaps he was in a relationship also and now their together, who knows. Either that or she has gone of with a very wealthy client, as she deals with £multi-million estates in her probate work.

Thanks for sharing your friends story, it is amazing why a lot of women do things this way rather than be honest. It seems to be a very common behaviour - which is worrying.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> The worst thing you can do at this point is have hopium. Start over analyzing everything.
> 
> Bottom line is she got her things and left didn’t she? Her actions say she’s done and moved on.


I don't. I know it's over and from what I know now about her cheating last time too but lied that she hadn't and now all the financial stuff, I wouldn't be able to take her back, I wouldn't want her back.

I am really struggling today though after yesterday - feels like my insides are being crushed the physical pain is so bad. I can't see a future for me at the moment and just wish that she would leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate her finances for the lawyers, trying to make out that she hasn't got any money left to pay alimony (maintenance) which she is obliged to pay. She has stopped paying the rent, even though she is contracted to on the agreement.

This has really taken it out of me.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> *JACK POT: The rich SIMP that was willing to take her and wife her up!*


SIMP? Need an abbreviation reference.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smilieman said:


> I don't. I know it's over and from what I know now about her cheating last time too but lied that she hadn't and now all the financial stuff, I wouldn't be able to take her back, I wouldn't want her back.
> 
> I am really struggling today though after yesterday - feels like my insides are being crushed the physical pain is so bad. I can't see a future for me at the moment and just wish that she would leave me alone and stop trying to manipulate her finances for the lawyers, trying to make out that she hasn't got any money left to pay alimony (maintenance) which she is obliged to pay. She has stopped paying the rent, even though she is contracted to on the agreement.
> 
> This has really taken it out of me.


That’s what any contact will do now. Cause more hurt.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> That’s what any contact will do now. Cause more hurt.


I get that, it's awful. Put me right back to square one it feels.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Look back, you didn't have a great marriage, try to see how she behaved through out the past few years, it will be hard since you're isolated and have no way to compare a healthy marriage, but try and you will see some signs here and there!
> 
> She was cheating on you for years but you had no idea!
> You have plenty of time to look back in retrospective, and to read many books about relationships dynamics
> [


There is one thing. About 3 or 4 years back we discussed trying for a baby. She was just over 40. She planned her ovulation cycles and we had loads of sex ... But nothing.

I looked back at these few months before and there was something not quite right.

To me if a woman really want a baby, they would keep trying for years and not give up after a couple if months. Since that time all sex has been unprotected sex. Prior to that it was protected as she had had an autoimmune issue years before and got told to come off birth control.

I think she was secretly taking birth control pills. You'd do this sleeping around and then she could say that she gave getting pregnant a good go.

I thought there was something suspect there and she has never mention trying again or having a kid since.

I think it may have actually me that brought the subject but I can't be sure. She was talking about people at work having babies and getting maternity leave.


Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Most likely she just didn’t like being married to you and found some guy that she thought would take her and just left. Probably stopped really being interested in you 10 yrs ago when she cheated the first time. Don’t over complicate things.

Give it some time and work on moving forward with your life. Spend that energy you are using to over analyze things on making your life better. She’s gone. And it’s a gift. She’s not that great of a person.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> SIMP? Need an abbreviation reference.


Simp is an Internet slang term describing someone who performs excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. This is usually done in pursuit of a sexual relationship. It's someone who does way too much (over the board) for a person they like hoping for a sexual relationship!



Smilieman said:


> The bedroom was virtually dead these past years - very sporadic. I knew there was an issue. she was more intent on reading but never refused and she turned to me when she was 'in the mood'. Once every couple of months was about it, if that. She would never talk about it. *She would never talk about anything remotely emotion related.*


That should have been the biggest red flag for you, any man could have spotted that!
It seems you were just a roommate with benefits (taking care of the house chores) and keeping her company, nothing more.
I'll be honest with you @Smilieman, from reading what you posted you seem to be a very decent man, but a decent man who settled for scraps not known his true worth!
It happens when you lose sight of yourself and needs becoming complacent in a relationship.
Even with your health issues, there are endless business ideas that you could have explored and pursued, but you were waiting for her permission, you should've taking the lead with the decision making and did what's needed to be done!



Smilieman said:


> I feel stupid for not noticing something and totally betrayed. There is nothing that I can see as to how she has had an affair as the only time she got was while she was at work. It wouldn't surprise me if she is with the same person that she was with back then and they have plotted and schemed. Perhaps he was in a relationship also and now their together, who knows. Either that or she has gone of with a very wealthy client, as she deals with £multi-million estates in her probate work.


You made mistakes, blinded from seeing red flags here and there, but YOU ARE NOT STUPID, she is *deceitful *and *cunning*, you loved here, and...* Loving eyes can never see!*
Some years ago, someone posted a story (Not here on TAM although there are similar stories here) about finding out his wife was cheating with a work colleague for two years, he couldn't understand or believe how she could pull something like that off, she goes to work and back home, and never were apart all day every day, no social media or anything, no strange behaviour, BUT the bedroom was virtually dead, but she never cared or complained, and they were happy, life is good!
She was caught by another work colleague and was reported back to work and she got fired, this is how he knew!
He found out that she had been going to the marred colleague's house while the OM 's wife was at work, for two years, at lunch time, having sex 5 times a week, she confessed to him she was having unprotected sex 5 times a week for two full years without a break (for TWO YEARS) she was like the second wife for that OM.
She had more sex with the OM then their 25 years of marriage combined!

*He paid the full price (house, cars, bells, shopping, trips, taking care of her when she's ill, ..etc) while the other man got it free!*

There is no WAY your STXW will move with the POS without having months of intimate relationship!
There is something you missed and didn't see!

I believe once you get this mess sorted out you can start planning for your future, your only 55, there are people I know who started small businesses from nothing at your age and they are very successful now!
Don't forget to get the book: Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man eBook : South, Joseph: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> It's someone who does way too much (over the board) for a person they like hoping for a sexual relationship!


I have come across those in my years of being alive. I've always thought they come across a bit slimey.



Kaliber said:


> I'll be honest with you @Smilieman, from reading what you posted you seem to be a very decent man, but a decent man who settled for scraps not known his true worth!


Cheers. I'm glad I come across that way. This position probably stems from being physically and emotionally abused by my parents all my childhood. You're right, I don't know my true worth and to tel you the truth since I've had this illness I have felt pretty worthless and useless. Even yesterday after she had left from collecting her stuff, I was so stressed that my head was spinning and moving around was absolutely awful, my face was numb and my neck was excrutiating. Even my mate was a bit concerned. After a few hours it calmed down a bit and I was able to function better. I do think that this was a condition created as a result of 10 years back.



Kaliber said:


> Even with your health issues, there are endless business ideas that you could have explored and pursued, but you were waiting for her permission, you should've taking the lead with the decision making and did what's needed to be done!


Agreed. I saw that the day she left and even told her that in an email (which I shouldn't have sent really - forgot about NC). I was waiting for her to be onboard and come along for the journey, she said she would but she didn't. I was waiting for permissions and I just should have done it. Guess what I'm doing after I get out of here and settled? 



Kaliber said:


> He found out that she had been going to the marred colleague's house while the OM 's wife was at work, for two years, at lunch time, having sex 5 times a week.....
> 
> There is no WAY your STXW will move with the POS without having months of intimate relationship!
> There is something you missed and didn't see!


I've sussed that one too. However she works with 4 women in a very small office here. What I have noticed over the course of the year, is that because of the working from home business she hasn't used up any holiday last year and this year she has only had one day off - my birthday in April. We didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything, didn't get a present, didn't get sex. Of course I wouldn't she was in an affair. So I think she has been having crafty days of work and pretending to go to work, or even more likely (seeing as I walked her to work some days) taking a half day and then being picked up and dropped back off again. This would have been the only way and so, it was. I missed it.

She was cunning, as she used to phone me EVERY lunchtime. Of course it fits - call me at 12:30 until 1pm, then have half day (I used to hear the office noise in the background).



Kaliber said:


> I believe once you get this mess sorted out you can start planning for your future, your only 55, there are people I know who started small businesses from nothing at your age and they are very successful now!


Thank you for believing in me. I have the idea and I shall blast along head first once I move and get settled. I have wanted to do my ideas for so long now it's not silly. I can't do them in the format that I planned currently, but there are other ways that are being used now (Zoom), so that will be a start.



Kaliber said:


> Don't forget to get the book: Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man eBook : South, Joseph: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store


It's on my reading list. Is this a book to read now, seeing as I've just split up, or is it one for a bit later? I don't want to keep poking the wounds as it were, but if it helps the situation......?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Don't forget to get the book: Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man eBook : South, Joseph: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store


Sod it! Just got the book....I need something to read.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I've been thinking all weekend about my wife's obvious attempt to cash in my pensions into the shared account that she set up and sent an email to my lawyer. I don't want to ramp up unnecessary costs, but I feel I need to clearly explain it and see if anything can be done at some stage.

She was having an affair prior to a week and a half of her leaving - that's when the account was set up. The bank account needed to be a joint account because:

1 - It need to have my name on it for money to be paid in to.

2 - So she could legally access the contents once paid.

She wrote letters asking for lump sum amounts together with applications.

I wanted to talk with her about not being comfortable about cashing them in - this is the conversation she didn't want to have, so she ignored it for an entire weekend until I brought it to a head. She told me she thought it was about something else - she knew it wasn't as I told her. She didn't want me to change my mind and she had already sent one form back to one company.

This is what made her leave a week later I reckon, as I was questioning things and she couldn't hold it together much longer and had to bolt. I think I interrupted the process.

She followed the same pattern of setting up a joint account for my dental claim money. She led me to believe that it was just my account for my dental money to sit in for any treatment I may need as a result of the negligence. It wasn't until I called the bank after she'd left, that I found out it was a joint account.

Every way I look at it, it's intention to commit fraud, although it isn't strictly fraud if the account is joint, is it?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Every way I look at it, it's intention to commit fraud, although it isn't strictly fraud if the account is joint, is it?


Ok you said she is an attorney, is there a way to compile all the evidence you have and report her to her so they can investigate and maybe revoke her license?!
You need to start being on the attack not the defence, you are the one who got/being wronged!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Ok you said she is an attorney, is there a way to compile all the evidence you have and report her to her so they can investigate and maybe revoke her license?!
> You need to start being on the attack not the defence, you are the one who got/being wronged!


There is no evidence, as it's just the process that's she's done and the conversations that we've had. The evidence as far as my Dental Claim money will show, but again she's been clever and used joint accounts. I did wonder over the years why she keeps wanting to open joint accounts - it's bloomin' obvious now.

It's the "intention" that you have to prove, somehow. Otherwise I'd be all over it. It's maddening.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> There is no evidence, as it's just the process that's she's done and the conversations that we've had. The evidence as far as my Dental Claim money will show, but again she's been clever and used joint accounts. I did wonder over the years why she keeps wanting to open joint accounts - it's bloomin' obvious now.
> 
> It's the "intention" that you have to prove, somehow. Otherwise I'd be all over it. It's maddening.


Damn!
What a cunning woman!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

So, it's here - the draft divorce petition. It needs to be approved by today as it needs to be filed at the court with the order for interim maintenance payments. Talk about fighting with myself. Arrggh! Should I? Shan't I? Will I? Won't I? I suppose there is only one option .. I have to.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Damn!
> What a cunning woman!


Hmmm. I did send that email to my lawyer earlier, she said, _"I would advise we raise this as part of your reference to her behaviour in the financial context"_. So that will be raised there then.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude your hashing it out over and over and over. You will never be able to apply logic and reason to this event and make it reconcile in your mind. She found a much better opportunity and took it. It’s that simple. I know it sounds harsh but you weren’t really bringing much to the table as a partner. Of course it’s totally not fair the way she went about it .... but as she looks at the possibility in her life now as compared to before it is a big difference. Yes it sucks ....... but those are the hard facts.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude your hashing it out over and over and over. You will never be able to apply logic and reason to this event and make it reconcile in your mind. She found a much better opportunity and took it. It’s that simple. I know it sounds harsh but you weren’t really bringing much to the table as a partner. Of course it’s totally not fair the way she went about it .... but as she looks at the possibility in her life now as compared to before it is a big difference. Yes it sucks ....... but those are the hard facts.


Yeah, I know what your saying and it is that simple as you say. It's just when you're in the middle of it trying to makes sense of stuff, you - I - keep falling back into the original thinking. She has been calculating that and has attempted to set things up to syphon off my pension funds though. I was just worried that my lawyer wouldn't address this, but she will at a later stage.

Keep being harsh Bro' It's what I need at the moment - just don't be nasty


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just make sure she is cutoff from access to ANY more of your funds -- pension, etc.. I'm sure you have already gone over this with your lawyer. Easier to block than to try and get it BACK considering what your STBXW is like.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Smilieman said:


> Yeah, I know what your saying and it is that simple as you say. It's just when you're in the middle of it trying to makes sense of stuff, you - I - keep falling back into the original thinking. She has been calculating that and has attempted to set things up to syphon off my pension funds though. I was just worried that my lawyer wouldn't address this, but she will at a later stage.
> 
> Keep being harsh Bro' It's what I need at the moment - just don't be nasty


Your totally right ... it must be tough to be the one in the middle of it. Everything seems simple looking from the outside. Your in a crap spot.... I do wish you luck


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Just make sure she is cutoff from access to ANY more of your funds -- pension, etc.. I'm sure you have already gone over this with your lawyer. Easier to block than to try and get it BACK considering what your STBXW is like.


All she has access to now are the joint accounts. I haven't got access to those! She'll need to provide financial statement for all of them in the next stage.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Your totally right ... it must be tough to be the one in the middle of it. Everything seems simple looking from the outside. Your in a crap spot.... I do wish you luck


Cheers man.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> All she has access to now are the joint accounts. I haven't got access to those! She'll need to provide financial statement for all of them in the next stage.


Can't you go to your bank to reset YOUR access here? Seems like that should be simple to do.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Can't you go to your bank to reset YOUR access here? Seems like that should be simple to do.


The online joint account has on £10.00 left in, the new joint account she set up for the pensions is empty. The only one is the "old-fashioned" one where you have a passbook and need to go into the bank. She has the book. The lawyer hasn't said anything about that yet. I could always visit the city branch (or call them) and request a statement I suppose. But then the lawyer will be doing this in the next stage - 1 years statements on all accounts.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> The online joint account has on £10.00 left in, the new joint account she set up for the pensions is empty. The only one is the "old-fashioned" one where you have a passbook and need to go into the bank. She has the book. The lawyer hasn't said anything about that yet. I could always visit the city branch (or call them) and request a statement I suppose. But then the lawyer will be doing this in the next stage - 1 years statements on all accounts.


Just found out that she drained down and closed our other joint account in June last year. Getting statements now....

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

So that's 13,500 gone then! The account has been closed by post. The form that I have not even seen, nor has any conversation ever be had about closing this account ever been had, but the form contains a signature that looks like mine! I have even forgotten that we had the account until it was referenced in her outgoings sent by her lawyer. Had she not mention it, then I would have never have known. The account was closed in June 2020, so this is been planned a while and all done following the payment of my dental claim money into my wife's account.

Once all the paperwork and statements have been received and collated, I will trigger an investigation for fraud as I have not seen and knowingly signed this document.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> The account was closed in June 2020, so this is been planned a while and all done following the payment of my dental claim money into my wife's account.


@Smilieman did you inform you lawyer about this new revelation?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, seriously go after her for fraud. She is a lawyer and KNOWS what she did was illegal.
No holds barred now -- get your lawyer after it...


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Let it go. What she did was wrong, yes. But you let her take care of you for years. Speaking from experience, that kills respect for your husband. Don't ruin her career, why? Because that is your income for the future. Just make a clean break because honestly it doesn't sound like your mental health or physical health can take a long drawn out battle.

I wish you luck.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Smilieman did you inform you lawyer about this new revelation?


I did. Sent her all relevant paperwork by email straight from the bank and then had a conversation with her. She is on the same page as me and agrees with what I think as it is that bloomin' obvious, but she needs to have the financials.



jlg07 said:


> Yeah, seriously go after her for fraud. She is a lawyer and KNOWS what she did was illegal.
> No holds barred now -- get your lawyer after it...


She says this changes things and she suggested to hold fire about contacting the police, until we get all the financial records in. So what she has suggested is rather than do everything by agreement like she has been trying to which doesn't have timescales, is to file a petition for divorce straight away (I thought she was going to do this anyway), petition the court for maintenance payments, as the deadline of 11am this morning was ignored and also and no money was received, so once divorce is filed then it works to the courts deadlines. So the next step after that is to obtain all financial information going back at least 12 months.

I have ordered bank statements going back from when we opened the account, so I know exactly what's going on.

My lawyer said that because my stbxw is a lawyer herself, that she is flying very close to the wind on this one.

After all financial records have been received, then I will be getting her investigated for fraud or attempted fraud or attempt to claim money by deceptive means, or whatever - as all the other evidence of intention to commit fraud (setting up a bank account prior to leaving and triggering of my pension withdrawals to that account) is there. Yes it's questionable because she has been clever in using joint accounts, but if it comes down to me signing that form to close the account, then I had no knowledge of that and she must have indicated that it was something different and hid the reset of the form to make it look like I was signing something else - I don't know, I just know that:

The signature looks similar to my usual signature.
I have not seen that form before.
I was not aware of signing this form.
I have not been party to any conversation in relation to drawing out money from that account, which I would have been if I knew I was signing a form to close the account.
I have not been party to any conversation in relation to closing that account.
I have not been party to any conversation in relation to where the funds from the account are going.
Until I saw the correspondence from Her Lawyer referencing that account, I had completely forgotten that we had that account. Which wouldn't have been the case if I had knowledge of closing it.
I'm not lying down on this one. I really cannot believe that she has been planning this for ages and now I know why she left when she did. I called it to her in a conversation when I was talking about wanting to speak about what to do with my pensions as it wasn't sitting with me what we had discussed. She didn't want to talk with me about it all weekend, even though she kept saying she would. basically, in hindsight, she didn't want me to change my mind. I started talking about how she had been talking about work most of the weekend, but she wouldn't talk about what I had concerns with for my pensions. I said that it 'seems' that she was holding work as I higher importance than me, my concerns, our relationship and our future. I then said that it was like she was having an affair - I meant about work, as she had been talking about it over the weekend.

So

1 - She didn't want me to change my mind about taking my pensions out and putting them in the Joint account that she had created.
2 - Didn't want to hold a conversation about my concerns about my pensions being withdrawn.
3 - Got spooked when I said it was like she was having an affair.

That next week is when I started to notice things:

Monday - Didn't kiss me properly when she went to work - felt strange. I asked her later if we were ok after the weekend discussions as I though that something was off. She said everything was fine.

Wednesday - She accidently slipped that she had the next week off, when I asked her why she had so many clients wanting to see her that week (as she mentioned on the phone). She said that she told me when I said that I didn't know she had a week off. she said that she told me ages ago when I challenged her and I responded that she hadn't, but would she like to go to the hotel we found in the south of the country for a break. "I don't know what I'm doing" she replied - she would never say that, ever!

Friday - Still not convinced, I asked her if she was going to run again like she did 10 years previous. "no" she responded. I asked her again - "No". Are you sure? Well, I was going to stay with my sister for a couple of days.......No you weren't, you were going to move in with you boyfriend as planned, but you were going early as I had changed my mind about the pensions and you *thought* that I was referring to the affair you were having, when in fact I was talking about having an affair with your work, as it's all you spoke about.

So I am absolutely convinced that she was going to hang on until all my 80k+ pension money was nicely in that account, then she could withdraw and close the account like she has the other two. She needed a joint account as:

1 - The account needs to have my name on it for things to be paid in.
2 - She needs to have access to it.
3 - She can manage the money as she sees fit, legally, as the account is a joint account.

Oh, did I tell you that her favourite novels are crime and psychological thrillers?

I am currently in a state of disbelief. 

She has just put her career in jeopardy. Her practice certificate will be taken away for life if it is found that she has been fraudulent, intended to be fraudulent, or trying to obtain money through deceptive means.

Gloves off - I'm no longer playing games.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As said, you are going about this wrongly.
Your attorney should be going after spousal support and the joint money she took before leaving. Getting her for fraud and ruining her practice will leave YOU with no spousal mAintenance.

You’re not going to get her on fraud anywAy. Get that out of your mind. She was your wife and took care of everything for years And can prove it. You did nothing with the financial stuff and left it all to her. 

divorce and get half of the money returned and spousal support. Forget the fraud stuff, it just ain’t gonna happen and would be foolish on your part if it did. Your attorney should be telling you this.
.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

****. Just got a letter from my wife lawyer - man she's fighting dirty. Excuses, lies and mis-truths. The content of it is pure evil! Absolutely Evil!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> As said, you are going about this wrongly.
> Your attorney should be going after spousal support and the joint money she took before leaving. Getting her for fraud and ruining her practice will leave YOU with no spousal mAintenance.
> 
> You’re not going to get her on fraud anywAy. Get that out of your mind. She was your wife and took care of everything for years And can prove it. You did nothing with the financial stuff and left it all to her.
> ...


Yeah you're probably right. The lawyer isn't talking about that yet, she's looking at the financials. See what happens. The letter received by her lawyer just now is absolutely awful, painting me out to be a right lazy git not wanting to work and saying that she needs to spend loads of money on osteopath treatment because she is stressed due to the relationship breaking down, that her car developed a problem so she sold it and now has to lease a car for 600 a month, another excuse from what she had stated earlier. Lie upon lie upon lie. She is treating me as the enemy, when all I did was love her and tried my best to make our relationship a nice one. What a nasty person she has become, that's for sure.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

well it's war -- treat her as such. Do NOT give any consideration -- who cares if her car died. Who CARES if she is stressed. YOU have medical documentation to back up your physical ailments, she has squat. 
Follow your lawyers advice. Get as much $$ from her as you can as THAT is what will hurt her the most.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> well it's war -- treat her as such. Do NOT give any consideration -- who cares if her car died. Who CARES if she is stressed. YOU have medical documentation to back up your physical ailments, she has squat.
> Follow your lawyers advice. Get as much $$ from her as you can as THAT is what will hurt her the most.


I don't know how that's gonna happen if she's playing these games.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I literally feel like I'm going to die today. My stress levels are so high the majority of my body is tingling and numb, arms, face, head and neck. My tinnitus and VM symptoms are raging today and what I found out yesterday I know that it's stress. She's gonna win this thing and take everything from me. The lies she is telling are enormous and she's doing everything in her power to absolutely destroy me. I feel like just walking away and forgetting the divorce.

No sleep again last night and I'm absolutely done for. At some point this old body is going to flake and give in and I can literally feel it...

Focusing on contacting agents today for a few houses I've seen, see what I can find.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> She's gonna win this thing and take everything from me. The lies she is telling are enormous and she's doing everything in her power to absolutely destroy me.


You need to make sure you work closely with your lawyer to combat all of this. Don't give up hope.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You need to make sure you work closely with your lawyer to combat all of this. Don't give up hope.


Well, funny you should say that. My lawyer has written a cracking court application for maintenance, indicating financial manipulation and the manipulation of funds and it lines up her proven actions of emptying two joint accounts without my knowledge (estimated currently at over 24,000) and that's before financial disclosure - 1 months worth of bank accounts. Also applied to the court for her to pay the court fee, although I need to pay it in the first instance. She is right on the same page as me and reckons that the stbxw is "Flying a bit close to the wind" as far as her professional credibility is concerned. Trying to grab all of my money in that way, is possibly going to put her practicing certificate at risk and her promotion to Partnership. All depends if the woman who's acting for her in her company sees a red flag or not. Otherwise we shall have to see what happens at financial disclosure and what gets picked up, but it's calling her out in the application - so there's that - and there's the documents to prove it of course.

It's put my mind at rest a little bit. I've been amending the draft document tonight and filling in content requested. I've been doing it since 4pm, had an hour for dinner (went down the park and had some fish and chips - nice evening) and just finishing up the main parts. More to do in the morning to finish off. Tired now.

I've got to make a Sequence of Events document in the morning. I started to do that at the start and forgot, so I may have to go back through my forum posts.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Papers filed first thing this morning. Divorce application and application for maintenance. it begins. Not sure how I feel about that at the moment, sad yes, but more disappointed with my wife and the way in which she has chosen to act. I haven't known her to be even remotely like this in the 21 years I've known her. Either she has changed instantaneously, or somebody has some type of influence over her and has been helping co-ordinate everything. Just a guess of course.....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

As time goes by I uncover more and more. 


Smilieman said:


> Just found out that she drained down and closed our other joint account in June last year. Getting statements now....


Looking closer at these statements today and she has been taking regular payments out each month of a few hundred. Dates go back to May 2019 - Marck 2020 (circa 3,000gbp), but in-store sttement only shows 6 months. I have the full statements ordered and should be here in a couple of months. This has been going on a long time - at least 2 years...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Papers filed first thing this morning. Divorce application and application for maintenance. it begins. Not sure how I feel about that at the moment, sad yes, but more disappointed with my wife and the way in which she has chosen to act. I haven't known her to be even remotely like this in the 21 years I've known her. Either she has changed instantaneously, or somebody has some type of influence over her and has been helping co-ordinate everything. Just a guess of course.....


It is so sad to hear that someone would walk away from 21 years with what seem like not even a second thought. I don't envy your position, but I do hope the best for you. I'm confident in the long run you will come out of this okay.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is so sad to hear that someone would walk away from 21 years with what seem like not even a second thought. I don't envy your position, but I do hope the best for you. I'm confident in the long run you will come out of this okay.


I truly hope so. I'm uncovering so much more each and every day as this is so unbelievable. I think I am going to write a book.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If she has been supporting you both for 7 years, why would you care if she got regular money out of your account?

Im still not getting why all the account issues.
If you haven’t worked in 7 years, but you had money, why shouldn’t some of your dough go to supporting you?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If she has been supporting you both for 7 years, why would you care if she got regular money out of your account?
> 
> Im still not getting why all the account issues.
> If you haven’t worked in 7 years, but you had money, why shouldn’t some of your dough go to supporting you?


Well that would be all well and good if I agreed to that and I knew where it was. But I didn't. Perhaps it's just me then, but emptying 13,500 out of a joint savings account without the other persons agreement or knowledge, plus 4,000 out of another, is ok?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Exactly my thoughts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> Well that would be all well and good if I agreed to that and I knew where it was. But I didn't. Perhaps it's just me then, but emptying 13,500 out of a joint savings account without the other persons agreement or knowledge, plus 4,000 out of another, is ok?


Not at all, nothing is ok without your agreement, even if still married. Just saying....
You did also mention. That you didn’t so Any kind of financial stuff whatsoever. You left it all to her. So part of this money fiasco is on you for not being involved in anything. Her stealing from you is a different story.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> As time goes by I uncover more and more.
> 
> Looking closer at these statements today and she has been taking regular payments out each month of a few hundred. Dates go back to May 2019 - Marck 2020 (circa 3,000gbp), but in-store sttement only shows 6 months. I have the full statements ordered and should be here in a couple of months. This has been going on a long time - at least 2 years...


As I told you, she was having an affair and planning every thing for a long time, but you never saw it!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not at all, nothing is ok without your agreement, even if still married. Just saying....
> You did also mention. That you didn’t so Any kind of financial stuff whatsoever. You left it all to her. So part of this money fiasco is on you for not being involved in anything. Her stealing from you is a different story.


So here's the thing. It wasn't that I didn't do any kind of financial stuff. The day to day stuff, such as bills etc, came out of her account as she had the salary. I did not have access to her bank account, nor would I want that. Why would I need to be involved in her paying the direct debits from her bank account?

As far as I was concerned, our savings were in the savings account. Why would I need to keep checking hey were still there? I had no reasons to.

When I was really badly iill for around 2.5 years after this vertigo condition first hit, it was as much as I could do to get through the day. A couple of years before we moved here, I was on the medication that the Neurologist prescribed and it wiped me out for around 9 months. Again, it was as much as I could do to get through the day. Because of this my wife opened the post, which included my pension statements and I was in the middle of my dental claim which she was helping me with. I wasn't in a state to do much then, just potter around the house, making bread, cooking an evening meal and cleaning a room a day was as much as I could do for that time.

It was only in the last 2.5 years that we opened the savings account to put the remaining money from our house sale in. We did this together and I saw the money paid in and printed in the passbook (it was an old fashioned account). The last thing I knew was that the savings were in the account. As far as my claim money goes, I transferred the money her her account and she told me that she had transferred my claim money to the other savings account that she opened. Why would I need to keep checking these accounts? The money goes in and stays there. There was nothing for me to do. 

Unbeknownst to me, she was drawing money out for years.

I trusted my wife and that was to my detriment.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> As I told you, she was having an affair and planning every thing for a long time, but you never saw it!


You were right. There was nothing to see though and it is such a horrible thought that she has been doing all this for years.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

looks like she has legal advice , and is doing what we here would tell her to do if she came here with her story , 

if she came here she might talk about a husband that she did not love and that she moved out of the house the first thing posters would tell her is to go after the money . 

some times things seem to come out of the blue , like one person had the wool pulled over their eyes , 

just what was life like before this started 

now that you have started to dig when do you think you lost her ,


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> looks like she has legal advice , and is doing what we here would tell her to do if she came here with her story ,
> 
> if she came here she might talk about a husband that she did not love and that she moved out of the house the first thing posters would tell her is to go after the money


She went after the money first, before she left and after. Why would people tell others to do this? Why are people so damn greedy these days?

If she did not love me, then she should have stay away. She has manipulated me, plain and simple.



frenchpaddy said:


> some times things seem to come out of the blue , like one person had the wool pulled over their eyes ,
> 
> just what was life like before this started
> 
> now that you have started to dig when do you think you lost her


It seemed to come out of the blue as that's when she showed her hand. Thant's the only bit I saw.

Life was good prior to this. We've always laughed and joked around, gone places. held hands all the time. Sex wasn't that regular - now I know why.

When did I lose her? Who knows it's hard to say. Probably when I was trialling medication for my condition and it wiped me out about 4 years back. I still don't know how she has been seeing somebody. It wouldn't surprise me if she has been having an affair with the same person that she left me for the first time 10 years back. I'll never know. She never goes out on her own evenings or weekends. She started at the company that she works at now in December 2018, not that long ago and bearing in mind she's been drawing money out of the savings monthly since before May 2019.....that new job thing perhaps? But still, she never used to go anywhere. We were always together at weekends and evenings, the only place she went was work, so it has to have been lunchtimes.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> She went after the money first, before she left and after. Why would people tell others to do this? Why are people so damn greedy these days?
> 
> If she did not love me, then she should have stay away. She has manipulated me, plain and simple.
> 
> ...


 it is easy now to look back and say why did you not ask why was she drawing out money from a savings account , but often we just let that type thing to one person , and when they are playing their own game we dont see , 
the saddest part of all this is the way she played along for so long , years it is one thing to leave it is another to be two faced for so long ,


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is easy now to look back and say why did you not ask why was she drawing out money from a savings account


The thing is I *didn't know* that any money was being drawn out. That's the thing. it's an old-fashioned account not online. You need to go into the bank and request money to be transferred.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the saddest part of all this is the way she played along for so long , years it is one thing to leave it is another to be two faced for so long


This is what I'm finding. And the most destroying part is that she even had us try for a baby about 3.5 few years back, taking note of her cycles and everything. Chances are she was on birth control and having an affair which is why she didn't get pregnant. We haven't used any protection since right up until a couple of weeks before she left. She has never got pregnant. So she was playing me then also and she knew I really wanted a kid. So cold.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m getting confused now, was it an emotional affair? She told you she was having an affair? Sorry I’m lost


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She probably mentioned her unhappiness to someone, then mentioned the savings to that someone. Who then coached her to move the money to a place of safe keeping. Maybe even their bank account? "He'll never think of looking here, will he?"

Report the matter to the bank and also to your solicitor.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m getting confused now, was it an emotional affair? She told you she was having an affair? Sorry I’m lost


Well she has admitted adultery, so a physical affair.

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> She probably mentioned her unhappiness to someone, then mentioned the savings to that someone. Who then coached her to move the money to a place of safe keeping. Maybe even their bank account? "He'll never think of looking here, will he?"
> 
> Report the matter to the bank and also to your solicitor.


Already done. Statements on their way for a audit trail. May need to employ a forensic accountant if it gets too complicated. 

Interesting thing is she came home in June last year and said "I fancy getting some Monero". So we worked out how to and she took 1,000 out of my savings with my blessing. I got bitcoin and glad I did as I cashed in to pay lawyer - even though it the lowest it been for months!.

So I suspect that she has transferred a fair bit to Monero. The audit trail from her bank account will still show the exchange she used though, then I can calculate how much she got + profits and claim some if that.

I think she thinks she's been clever. But now she knows that I know, since she got a copy of the court filing yesterday, and she knows that I get to the bottom of stuff.

It surely is tugging at my heart strings that's for sure. What ever happened to her mind? I think she is being 'guided' as she didn't redirect post either (that can be traced by PI's). She changed then all individually and all her post stopped with two weeks.

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if she is has been using the savings to live it has been a clever move , as that way she can save more of her wages and stay legal ,
if she moved the money from bank to bank it will show even if she moved it from bank to bank to as someone said to his bank that too will show 
but if she lodged her wages to the Monero account ( i take it this is a hedging fund account ) she can hold on to it and if money from savings was in cash you a in bad luck


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

she has become very greedy and seaming , 
the guy could be in finance


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

To be doing all this money moving should be difficult to hide if it’s in last few months and any judge should see it that way. She should be disbarred. But unless she’s an idiot, she’s already looked in and verified she can screw you over legally. Totally sucks.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Interesting thing is she came home in June last year and said "I fancy getting some Monero"


@Smilieman , now that's a red alert right there!
Someone coached her to pick Monero and not the usually crypto assist people go for such as (BTC, ETH, ADA ..Etc)
Unlike BTC and ETH, Monero assists will be very, very difficulted if not impossible to track and find!
Your lawyer needs to know about Monero and you need to explain why Monero is different from the other cryptos.
Now the picture is becoming more clear!

If Monero and crypto is in the picture, your most likely going to need a forensic accountant with experience with digital assists (Now days plenty are)


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> if she is has been using the savings to live it has been a clever move , as that way she can save more of her wages and stay legal ,
> if she moved the money from bank to bank it will show even if she moved it from bank to bank to as someone said to his bank that too will show
> but if she lodged her wages to the Monero account ( i take it this is a hedging fund account ) she can hold on to it and if money from savings was in cash you a in bad luck


Monero = Cryptocurrency.

The money was transferred into her account the details are on the statement - sort code +_ account no.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> To be doing all this money moving should be difficult to hide if it’s in last few months and any judge should see it that way. She should be disbarred. But unless she’s an idiot, she’s already looked in and verified she can screw you over legally. Totally sucks.


Bit of both. She's used joint accounts. However the lat one for my pensions she didn't get as she didn't stay the course because I was querying things. So she took off. Her setting up another joint account, triggerring my pensions to pay the lump sum to that account then going a few days later, shows intention to defraud, especially based on her past behaviour of emptying joint bank accounts.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Smilieman , now that's a red alert right there!
> Someone coached her to pick Monero and not the usually crypto assist people go for such as (BTC, ETH, ADA ..Etc)
> Unlike BTC and ETH, Monero assists will be very, very difficulted if not impossible to track and find!
> Your lawyer needs to know about Monero and you need to explain why Monero is different from the other cryptos.
> ...


It is. We have been watching Jeff Berwick all through last year and he's always going on about Monero (& more recently Pirate Chain). Monero transactions are almost impossible to track, however you have to go through an exchange first to get BTC -> Monero. So the bank transfer to the exchange will be on the statement.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> It is. We have been watching Jeff Berwick all through last year and he's always going on about Monero (& more recently Pirate Chain). Monero transactions are almost impossible to track, however you have to go through an exchange first to get BTC -> Monero. So the bank transfer to the exchange will be on the statement.


Yup, that's your first place to start, to know if she did that any money she took out, possibly to different person (Affair guy?) account and from there to crypto exchange!
If that was the case (TBH I hop it is) then you will know where the money went, and drag that dude to the mess this women did (two birds with one stone!)


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Yup, that's your first place to start, to know if she did that any money she took out, possibly to different person (Affair guy?) account and from there to crypto exchange!
> If that was the case (TBH I hop it is) then you will know where the money went, and drag that dude to the mess this women did (two birds with one stone!)


Knowing her pattern, she probably set up a completely different account and transferred it there.

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> Bit of both. She's used joint accounts. However the lat one for my pensions she didn't get as she didn't stay the course because I was querying things. So she took off. Her setting up another joint account, triggerring my pensions to pay the lump sum to that account then going a few days later, *shows intention to defraud, especially based on her past behaviour of emptying joint bank accounts.*


You’re highly unlikely to get any results on this intention to defraud stuff. She didn’t get your pension money. There’s nothing to return there.
As to the other money she took from joint accounts, you are still married. She took it, spent it, it’s gone. She’s been paying the bills for 7 years. No way a judge is going to have her pay it back.
You need to be working on getting spousal support. How long does that last in the UK? 

Do you have plans to get a job? Still not able?
Unless you can get a doctor to sign on that you are disabled, it’s going to be rough. You haven’t worked in seven years and haven’t gotten disability? That doesn’t bode well.

just trying to help you focus on things that will wind up productive. You’re going to need some money to live....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re highly unlikely to get any results on this intention to defraud stuff. She didn’t get your pension money. There’s nothing to return there.
> As to the other money she took from joint accounts, you are still married. She took it, spent it, it’s gone. She’s been paying the bills for 7 years. No way a judge is going to have her pay it back.
> You need to be working on getting spousal support. How long does that last in the UK?


I don't know what's going to happen here. That money was supposed to be for work on my teeth that I will need in the future - it was my dental claim money. Spousal support is in progress and with the court - my lawyer has stated to claim monthly payments until decree nisi, then interim payments of the same amount after that.



Evinrude58 said:


> Do you have plans to get a job? Still not able?
> Unless you can get a doctor to sign on that you are disabled, it’s going to be rough. You haven’t worked in seven years and haven’t gotten disability? That doesn’t bode well.


I cannot get a job. i would be sacked within the week. My condition is not a recognised disability which is a pain and I am not the only person in the world with this problem. I haven't claimed disability before as my wife told me that she looked into it and that I couldn't claim it. She told me this over 5 years ago. I found out when she left that she was wrong and _then_ she told me that she hadn't really looked into it after all - it's maddening. I am going through registering a claim at the moment and I'm still waiting for my medical notes to arrive from the doctors - I shall chase them tomorrow as I need to send off the claim this week.

As I have stated before, the doctors *do not have a clue* about my condition, only the neurologist and for some reason the doctors will not refer me back to the neurologist, so I gave up a while ago - I need to push them again probably but it's pointless while I'm moving. I am also under the endocrine clinic for my pituitary tumour and all they do now is phone me up and ask me if anything has changed. I used to visit the hospital each year and I tell them *every year* that everything is just the same and ask them if there *is anything you can do about these symptoms, they are ruining my life?* All they say is come back next year. That's been 5 years like that and it is so bloomin; frustrating.

It was my wife's idea that I didn't push any harder as she could see that I wasn't getting any joy, "Don't bother", said, "you won't get anywhere with it". I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I told her then that I wanted to bring an income in and if could get back to work that wold be then best thing for us. It was about that time when I kept getting cluster vertigo attacks that would have me out for a few months - it was really awful.

Unless I can explain everything to somebody in person, or they have the same condition, or they see the result of a vertigo attack, then everybody just sees that I choose not to work. I don't. All of my senses, thinking, sight and hearing is affected and effects how I feel. This is an awful condition. People on the "Vestibular Migraine Professional" facebook group would agree with me - it's dibilitating and doctors really dont' seem to know how to handle things, there seems no answers.

Sorry for the rant, it's just frustrating. What you say is true though in practice, it just isn't fair as I really can't work a traditional type of job or be expected to keep working hours. Each day is different, each day it changes. My head was awful yesterday and it was very difficult to get through the day.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> I haven't claimed disability before *as my wife told me that she looked into it and that I couldn't claim it. She told me this over 5 years ago.* I found out when she left that she was wrong and _*then*_* she told me that she hadn't really looked into it after all* - it's maddening.


@Smilieman, you know how this looks right? I'm just saying..


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Smilieman, you know how this looks right? I'm just saying..


I was really badly ill that year. I was trying the drugs that the neuorologist suggested and it was as much as I could do to keep upright. Why is it wrong to trust? I believed what she said, why wouldn't I? I have put my trust in my wife and I had no cause to doubt what she was saying, what is wrong with that?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> I was really badly ill that year. I was trying the drugs that the neuorologist suggested and it was as much as I could do to keep upright. Why is it wrong to trust? I believed what she said, why wouldn't I? I have put my trust in my wife and I had no cause to doubt what she was saying, what is wrong with that?


My friend there is nothing wrong with that, you were very ill and you trusted your wife, the only thing wrong here is that good people like you get screwed by their wives, and the law even helps them and protects them against the victim (always the man)!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> My friend there is nothing wrong with that, you were very ill and you trusted your wife, the only thing wrong here is that good people like you get screwed by their wives, and the law even helps them and protects them against the victim (always the man)!


It's all so wrong. But lesson learned - won't do that again. no more joint accounts, no more trusting anybody else with administering my bank accounts or savings. I'll have mine and the can have theirs - I just hope I'll have some money at some stage, the money she has taken was the most money I had ever had and now I can't even pay for my dental work. It's soul destroying.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> the first thing posters would tell her is to go after the money .


I don't I've seen someone say TAKE ALL THE MONEY. I have seen where you should separate accounts and take HALF.
Doing anything other than that usually gets your butt in a sling with the court.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So will taking his dental settlement money. That money was SPECIFICALLY for the fact that he'll need XYZ dental work done, and it was paid by the folks who did the damage to HIM...not to "his wife to move from account to account until she eventually gets it all." It was to be put aside to pay for the dental work he needs!!! UGH!
It's so frustrating!!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> It was to be put aside to pay for the dental work he needs!!! UGH!
> It's so frustrating!!


Yes it is, as I don't know how I can now keep up with my quarterly hygienist visits or dental checkups, so I will probably need to cancel them or address the frequency, which means that I run the severe risk of my gum disease getting worse. It already makes it worse when you are under stress.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Just found out this morning that the direct debit for my car insurance has been cancelled. This is despite my lawyer requesting online account access information from my stbxw. She hasn't responded but is continuing to cancel services - the phone/internet will be next I'm sure. I have managed to gain access to my car insurance online (guessed & reset password). My lawyer is due to send another letter over to hers today, requesting this information.

The divorce petition has now been issued by the Court. She has 7 days to respond.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just keep your lawyer on her (which you are) -- what she is doing is just crap. NO holds barred now from you -- do what you need to get your rightful $$$ (including alimony/support from HER since she makes all the money).


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

All this has been by design. When I was at my worst she grabbed control of everything, post, bank accounts, utility accounts, online purchasing accounts. Absolutely everthing went through her and I was OK with that, as she said that she doesn't mind. We held extensive conversations about it initially and I always asked each month how the expenses were so that I was aware. Of course I only know what she told me. Seeing as I had no money coming in why would I need to have access to bills, etc? It makes clear sense now though how she can then manipulate by using these things. I'm just expecting everything to not be paid now, as she's shown her hand and she's not going to communicate, so what's the point in worrying? I'll be without internet for a couple of weeks and it will put me back, but I shall use that time to sort out the stuff in the house that I won't be taking with me when I move and tidy the gardens. Nothing more I can do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So you are NOT at fault here for trusting your wife with the finances, esp. since YOU weren't in any sort of place to deal with it. That's what spouses do -- they trust each other, they help each other, they support each other when there are long term illness issues, etc.. YOUR spouse just helped HERSELF to all this $$ and in my opinion is purposely TRYING to make sure you don't have any resources to fight her. I AM glad that you did get this lawyer and that they seem to be on top of things (I REALLY hope you nail her for fraud).

She obviously has been planning this for a LONG time -- I DO think that a forensic accountant may be useful for you in the long run, but need to weigh that against the COST of them vs. what you could recover.

If you are without internet, do you have a smartphone? That way you can keep on top of things here (I hope) and be able to do your research for housing, disability stuff, etc..


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So you are NOT at fault here for trusting your wife with the finances, esp. since YOU weren't in any sort of place to deal with it. That's what spouses do -- they trust each other, they help each other, they support each other when there are long term illness issues, etc.. YOUR spouse just helped HERSELF to all this $$ and in my opinion is purposely TRYING to make sure you don't have any resources to fight her. I AM glad that you did get this lawyer and that they seem to be on top of things (I REALLY hope you nail her for fraud).
> 
> She obviously has been planning this for a LONG time -- I DO think that a forensic accountant may be useful for you in the long run, but need to weigh that against the COST of them vs. what you could recover.
> 
> If you are without internet, do you have a smartphone? That way you can keep on top of things here (I hope) and be able to do your research for housing, disability stuff, etc..


Listening to people here makes me feel that I am at fault to some extent as I haven't been able to work due to my condition or not to be in control of my own bank account and claim money. As you say, I trusted her and that's what spouses do - she betrayed that trust.

I've just had a copy of my medical notes to send through to support my disability claim, I have been telling the doctors and specialists the same thing since 2014. It's all on there how I've had to reluctantly give up my career because of this. It's on my notes how I'm dizzy all the time, they call it "occipital something or other". Also about my pituitary tumour including MRI scan and my left arm tingling and numbness, especially sitting at a desk. It's sad reading back through them and seeing how much this has ruined my life. Send that off today.

Going away for a couple of days to look at houses. Only 3, but also looking at the area to see what things are like. 4.5 hour journey.

As far as the court goes, my stbxw has 7 days to respond to the court petition.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> they call it "occipital something or other"


Is the issue occipital nerualgia? Let me know -- my son has this and had GREAT benefits from a nerve block done to his occipital nerves.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Is the issue occipital nerualgia?


No it's not that. I'll look when I get home. Just had a 5 hour drive to look at some houses in a different area tomorrow.



Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Well, it looks like I'm moving. In the process of securing a nice little house. Can't take hardly anything with me though, so need to get rid of 'stuff' I've been carrying around for years - a lot of it 'just in case' I need it and a lot of memories. Have to say goodbye to both.

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing going over 250 miles away to detach and disconnect and I don't know whether the area will be OK for me or whether I will be happy or if it will suit me. What I do know is that I am emotionally battered and even now I spend almost every day like I'm still in shock.

Furthermore, my neurological condition is now so very unbearable that my head feels awful and I can hardly hear anything due to very, very loud tinnitus that makes my head feel like its going to explode. The pain in my neck from all the stress is the worse its been in a long time, and so is the dizziness.

I having arranged an osteopath appointment on Monday afternoon (soonest I could get), to assist on this. I am also coming off these antidepressants due to them making me feel absolutely awful after taking them. If I miss one day, then I feel markedly better. I spoke to another doctor who told me to stop taking them and to speak with my doctor on Monday. So that will probably have a bearing on why I feel rubbish - body was probably getting used to them and now its not getting them.

All because of stress.

But despite this, its got to be done, so I'm doing it and I need to establish if what I am doing will give me the disconnect that I am looking for so that I can start healing & rebuilding my life.

It is scary and I am scared at having to start life all over again at my age, but I'm sure that I'm not alone.

This year was originally about building up different income streams but instead it turned into a fight for survival following my stbxw springing a series of surprises, from walking out never to return, stealing the money from my dental claim damages that was supposed to be for dental work and then went back on her agreement to pay for rent and bills (with my money) until end of August. She has also since been systematically cancelling payments and I found out earlier in the week that my car insurance was almost cancelled as payment could not be taken and even now she is refusing to communicate.

And it goes on. Perhaps next year can be about creating some sort of income that I have would have probably created by now, or very nearly at the very least.

Healing is a priority and I think some form of counselling may be needed, although its hard to know which type and its hard to get to see people in person these days, which I prefer.

So, all things being well, I will be in my new place at the back half of August. Then the healing can begin this through the winter months.

Only time will tell if the decision was right, but who ever knows anyway? I think a lot of the time we adapt without realising it and what we thought may have been a wrong decision, just ends up being just a decision, nothing more. I suppose that I will have to keep focus and just accept that's life and that's where I am for the time being - in a holding pattern of sorts - while I try to get my thoughts and my life back on track and finally say goodbye to my old life and my wife, for good.

I just hope she got all she wanted (apart from my pension money, of course). I still can't help thinking that she deserved better than me, but I don't know. Perhaps I didn't deserve her, but with what she has done changes my thinking on this. Perhaps maybe one day she'll regret her decision as I did love her, truly, and that you cannot fake and once the lust of a new relationship wears off, I do wonder if she will ever ask herself what she has done - but probably not.

Once again, for everything - only time will tell and from her relationship perspective, I'll never know.

I have to be OK with both.

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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Is the issue occipital nerualgia?


So, going through my medical notes/consultant letters, they refer to "rotational vertigo" and "episodic oscillopsia" in the letter from the neurologist who diagnosed "Migraine Associated Vertigo (aka Vestibular Migraine).

Definition of Oscillopsia: "Oscillopsia refers to the rhythmic oscillation of the visual environment, often spontaneously as a consequence of a central eye movement disorder or in response to motion, as a consequence of bilateral vestibular failure."




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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> No it's not that. I'll look when I get home. Just had a 5 hour drive to look at some houses in a different area tomorrow.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


How did you manage to drive for 5 hours?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How did you manage to drive for 5 hours?


It ended up being 6.5 in the end due to heavy traffic, roadworks and diversions! Nightmare.

There are 2 things that take the edge off this condition temporarily - a heavy weight workout and driving. I found this early on. I don't know why and neither does the neurologist, but within 15-30 mins I can begin feeling a bit better. Comes back after an hour if not driving. Although I found the length of this drive to be a big challenge as my neck got really badly stiff, which can cause issues. It was too long really.

Walking makes it worse as when I walk I get the up-and-down movements of things around me as well as loads of peripheral stuff walking close to walls, fences, hedges, etc.. My brain doesn't smooth out the movement like it should, so running is a nightmare. There's been times in the gym where I've felt OK, then gone on the treadmill only to feel awful for a fair few hours afterwards. So, I tend to use cross trainers as they have a smooth motion and haven't got the up and down movement so I can keep my head still, although I have to look straight ahead and can't use the ones with the TV screens in front, as its too close and seems to 'move' too much.

It's a strange nightmare this.

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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

UPDATE: I received full bank statements today and money has been systematically removed each month since May 2019. That was 6 months before we decided to move here and 2 years to the month before she left - almost to the day also (Started 19 May 2019 - Left 23 May 2021). So it is likely that she was having an affair well before that time also. She started working at her new Company in January 2019. What do they say about joining new new companies?

I feel like a hopeless fool, not noticing and just blindly trusting. We had a good holiday that year too, a cheap one but good, in Spain, towards the end of the year - Early October I think - no sex though, I don't think, strange looking back on it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How much was she systematically removing each month?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> How much was she systematically removing each month?


Smaller Bits. 300, 500, 250, 200...... started off with smaller amounts 200, but then 500 was the general theme just prior to the account closing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smilieman I have just had a thought. Do you have a PC or a laptop powerful enough to run driving simulations on?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if using a driving simulation could have the same positive effect on you as real life driving has?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Smilieman I have just had a thought. Do you have a PC or a laptop powerful enough to run driving simulations on?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I wonder if using a driving simulation could have the same positive effect on you as real life driving has?


This is interesting!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Smilieman I have just had a thought. Do you have a PC or a laptop powerful enough to run driving simulations on?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I wonder if using a driving simulation could have the same positive effect on you as real life driving has?


Well there's a thought. I have an old gaming laptop, even though I;m not into gaming, so it probably would. But I haven't go the time at the moment and I'm living in panic mode all the time as things just keep getting worse for me at the moment, but I will keep that in mind. Thank you.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Panic sets in - things going wrong for me so much. I have a claim for maintenance from the stbxw going through the courts and waiting to hear. I am also waiting to hear about the house I arranged to rent.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday about a letter she is writing to my stbxw lawyer as information still hasn't been provided for utilities online accounts. I;m not too sure about all of this at the moment and I asked that they are paid until the end of August as I have paid the rent here until then and my stbxw is also responsible for that, so it is only fair she pay the utilities seeing as they re in her name and she isn't giving the information so I can change things.

I mentioned to my lawyer that I have found an cheaper place to live, but it's in a different part of the country. She asked me how much the rent was and I said and I also mentioned that the on;y way I could secure the property was to offer a year rent up-front, as I haven't got an income and otherwise I would need financial referencing to be done and a guarantor - financial referencing would fail as I can't prove income and I don't have a guarantor. So the only way is to use some of my pension fund to pay the rent up-front.

She then told me that this would affect my claim for maintenance as the money wasn't coming out of income, but savings and that the only way to still have a claim is to pay the rent from income, which I can't do. The other option is to offer my stbxw an updated amount for maintenance (a lesser amount due to reduction in rent) and then have that agreement ordered by the court. The chances are that she would refuse this as she is claiming that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month.

The thing is I will lose the house if I don't pay the rent up front, which means I will have to pay more rent here. Meanwhile my pension fund money is being used up with legal costs and moving costs. I can't seem to get moving on sorting out the house stuff as I don't know what's happening and I'm panicing really bad all of the time.

I desperately need some help and there is none. Nobody will help me - nobody. Even my friend took something I said in a different way that it was meant yesterday and now he's annoyed. i only indicated that I've had enough as this is too much for me and he took it that I was putting him under too much emotional strain and that I can't expect him to be there. So that's that then. He is on the autism spectrum and doesn't really like too regular contact and has always mentioned that he'll do what he can. This has really upset me as he has taken something in a totally different way that I can't even see.

I have 2 weeks to get everything sorted and I don't know what to do now. If I rent this house then I lose my maintenance claim for rent (which seems mad) as it's not coming from income, if I lose this house then I can't afford to remain here as the rent is too high. Both ways's my available pension fund gets smaller with lawyers costs. I feel like throwing the towel in here.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

After my pathetic panic yesterday, I have sorted the time issue. I now have a week and a half - as it takes that long to do the referencing checks anyway. As far as this house is concerned, I shall just have to fork out the extra rent or they can take it from the deposit money. So now I have the breathing space to breathe, focus and wait to see what the court says in a few days.

I also found out via the girl in the coffee shop that the stbxw went on holiday virtually the day she left me. Abroad apparently, so I probably paid for that then!


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I've been reading your posts since the beginning of the thread. I don't mean to be unfeeling but dude you have to stop thinking she was stealing your money. She supported you for numerous years with no incoming money on your part. She took care of everything financially. Yes, she screwed around on you and yes, she's a sleaze but get it together. The dental money was a small amount in the scheme of things, so get past it. 

If you can't think differently, you will never get past it. I hope you can move on.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

gold5932 said:


> I've been reading your posts since the beginning of the thread. I don't mean to be unfeeling but dude you have to stop thinking she was stealing your money. She supported you for numerous years with no incoming money on your part. She took care of everything financially. Yes, she screwed around on you and yes, she's a sleaze but get it together. The dental money was a small amount in the scheme of things, so get past it.
> 
> If you can't think differently, you will never get past it. I hope you can move on.


I get your angle on this completely, I do.

Dishonesty is wrong though and taking stuff that didn't belong to you is also wrong. Yes she has supported me and us over the past few years, but that shouldn't be used as justification to take that which doesn't belong to you and by manipulation and without agreement. Lucky I intercepted my pension money, otherwise she would have had that also, she nearly did and that would have been fraud and would have been significantly more. That is unlawful, immoral, coercive and unjust. I certainly won't hold on to that, I've let it go on the most part really - it was a dreadful shock at first, but I would like to see if the courts have a similar opinion, for my own validation.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I feel that I am in limbo, waiting on the court to decide whether they will "Hear" the case. I would have gone ahead and arranged to move, that was the plan, but my lawyer has advised to wait a few days. It's hell. I've got to take the advice, otherwise it may harm my case, right? So I can't arrange anything and it pushes the timescales into September and I feel extremely stressed out about that.

It feels like I'm slipping back into some of the thinking that I had when she first walked out - "My fault?", "what did I do?", "what did I say?", "was it because I've been ill?" - blaming myself for her selfishness of wanting an affair. The more I think about the calculated way this has all been planned and executed (even my friend says it's been long planned), the more it makes me shudder when I think of how callous and calculating this all was. I'm not a bad guy, never have been, and I thought the world of her and she knew it. There is even a very small part of me that I hear in the silence, that still is prepared to entertain taking her back if she wants to reconcile - WTF?

I wake in the morning in a panic after a few short hours sleep - I've done this since she left and it hasn't stopped. it's like Groundhog Day, the same day over an over again. Thinking her with another man, being with another man while we were together, makes me feel physically sick and continually tourments me. Not being able to move forward for a few days has allowed the thoughts to creep back in.

By going to look at houses in a completely different area and by being there (even though it was a bit run down, hence cheaper), I felt like I had my space, a place where I could rest, rebuild and reinvent. But having to wait these few days makes me feel that this is slipping away and having me second-guessing whether moving to somewhere that is a bit run-down is the right call. It's nicer round here, but it's more expensive also and there are way too many memories. The idea of going somewhere completely new was to create new memories without being tied to the old ones, or having them 'mingle in' and distracting from rebuilding my life, somehow.

I do worry about meeting people though. I've never been one to make friends easy, especially in my older years. The friendships that I have had have never been close and then they inevitably drift way as people get on with their lives. I talk to anybody, but that's as far as it goes really. Common interest groups would traditionally be the way to go, but in this pandemic climate it's all being pushed online.

The other thing that seriously worries me is whether I will ever find anybody else at my age. I can't say at this stage that I even feel like wanting to and although I have found other women attractive over the years, I have never been remotely 'attracted' towards them. Part of this could be the pituitary tumour in my head, it regulates hormones and apparently low-libido can be one of the consequences. But I was in a relationship with a woman I thought the world of and now I'm hurting - So it's no surprise that I don't have any desire to be with a women, or even think about that, just yet. Way too much work to do on me. But if that tales a couple of years then I'll be 57 and I feel that I'm way too old to start off again. Although my wife was 10 years younger than me - perhaps that had a bearing. It would be horrible to be one my own for the rest of my life, I didn't want to be one of "Those blokes". So I suppose I'll need to get out there at some stage. But am I too old?

I thought I'd get this out here today, as I can then get some of it out of my head. This is tough, real tough and at this stage (week 10) it feels like these feelings are never going to subside.

I am so grateful for people here and reading other people's posts makes me realise that my situation if far, far from unique. I can't believe how many people are in a similar situation and similar pain to me and my only wish is that I had an income, as I believe that this would give me a bit more flexibility and a bit more interaction. I must make this a priority once I've left here, but my condition makes any traditional type work almost impossible, so I have to create something on my terms (which is what I had planned to do before the pandemic stuff hit - which scampered my plans), so I need to find a way to set something up. I just wish I wasn't so alone and I don't know how to solve that one, as everybody I reach out to isn't interested.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> But am I too old?


For men, not so much!
I have personally seen many men in their late 60s hooking up and going out on dates!
When you get your crap together you will see it first hand!




Smilieman said:


> but my condition makes any traditional type work almost impossible, so I have to create something on my terms (which is what I had planned to do before the pandemic stuff hit - which scampered my plans), so I need to find a way to set something up


You are doing great!
As long as you have a plan things will work out and you will prove to yourself that you are worth so much more!
Remember, only the strong will survive, and you are surviving!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> For men, not so much!
> I have personally seen many men in their late 60s hooking up and going out on dates!
> When you get your crap together you will see it first hand!


At this rate my crap will probably take a long time to get together - be good not to be left on the shelf though, but if I am I suppose I need to be OK with that.



Kaliber said:


> You are doing great!
> As long as you have a plan things will work out and you will prove to yourself that you are worth so much more!
> Remember, only the strong will survive, and you are surviving!


I really don't feel that I am doing great, yes I'm surviving but it feels like only just. Being put on hold by my lawyer waiting to hear from the court doesn't help as It's stopped momentum and let the seeds of doubt start to sprout.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> I feel that I am in limbo, waiting on the court to decide whether they will "Hear" the case. I would have gone ahead and arranged to move, that was the plan, but my lawyer has advised to wait a few days. It's hell. I've got to take the advice, otherwise it may harm my case, right? So I can't arrange anything and it pushes the timescales into September and I feel extremely stressed out about that.
> 
> It feels like I'm slipping back into some of the thinking that I had when she first walked out - "My fault?", "what did I do?", "what did I say?", "was it because I've been ill?" - blaming myself for her selfishness of wanting an affair. The more I think about the calculated way this has all been planned and executed (even my friend says it's been long planned), the more it makes me shudder when I think of how callous and calculating this all was. I'm not a bad guy, never have been, and I thought the world of her and she knew it. There is even a very small part of me that I hear in the silence, that still is prepared to entertain taking her back if she wants to reconcile - WTF?
> 
> ...


My dad met my step mum in their mid 50's. They both had over 30 years together before they passed away. They were so in love and happy. You will eventually find someone else but you need to focus on getting the divorce done. You need to take care of yourself the best you can, and it seems like your ex wants to hurt you and make this as difficult as possible. Don't let your ex see you upset and try and go no contact. I've seen you getting stronger through your posts although you also suffer with debilitating health issues. Divorce is draining and stressful for the healthiest person. Under your circumstances you are doing well. I really do hope things start improving for you. Are you getting any help for rent and council tax? See citizens advice again and see if you are entitled to any benefits. Even a sickness benefit because unfit for work atm. You must be entitled to something if no employment. I get universal credit towards food and bills, but not towards rent because I don't have rent to pay here. Universal credit are advising me to get disability and are arranging some mental health support locally for me. They are actually very helpful if you let them know your situation. I'm signed off from finding work due to my health, and don't have to do their interviews for finding work. Had my medical forms sent to them and filled in forms from their medical doctors to see if I'm not fit for work. If you are sick you will be entitled to some money because you can't work. Take all the support you can get. You can also claim loans from them for moving expenses, rent in advice but do pay back small amounts out of your money. You can also get grants which you don't pay back, which can help with removals, furniture, if you have savings less than £16000, you can still claim. The lower your savings are the more money you will get. I never thought I would get any money because of my savings but I actually get £400plus a month, paid every 2 weeks. You can also claim grants you don't pay back and travelling expenses for drs, hospital appointments. The grants are also to get new clothes for job interviews. If the house you are in now is too expensive for rent you can get in touch with housing and claim a discretionary payment to pay the full rent till you can move. The housing dont advertise that and not many people know. Sorry for the book haha. Didn't intend on writing so much.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smilieman had you though of basic online language courses? My late mother was learning a language online and she was in her mid-80s! 

Something to keep your mind occupied.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Smilieman had you though of basic online language courses? My late mother was learning a language online and she was in her mid-80s!
> 
> Something to keep your mind occupied.


I Second this, I’ve done it myself. It tires you out too, your mind trains itself in a different way so that you must switch off from anything else. If you can find a free community class, even better, you get to socialise too.

I sleep very well after each language class.

ideally one that uses different alphabet, like Greek, Arabic, Russian or Chinese for example.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smilieman My mother learned Welsh and was even able to converse with a Welsh lady she knew. 

Also, career development courses are available for free and will help you to focus on other things.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Learning a language may be a good idea. I have a fair few offline courses that I purchased years back, loads of Spanish ones as I wanted to move to Spain. I also have Greek, French, Italian and a small German CD-based one.

I have looked online following your suggestion and I cannot find any offline line meet-up type groups here. It would be absolutely superb to do that and is a brilliant idea. Absolutely all meet-ups in the UK seem to be 'online' only. I'm in such a small town that there's nothing going on and even in the smaller city 45 mins drive away I can find nothing.

It would be really good to do something like this as I am starting to feel pretty isolated and increasingly lonely now, as time goes on, it's awful and getting worse as my situation seems to be getting worse each day - and today I'm having a bad one. I can't even find free online ones. I shall keep looking though, see what I can find. Thanks for the idea!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Courses - I remembered that I have a couple of online courses to learn that I paid for a while ago and I haven't had time to start them. I shall speak to that in a post later.

Had a tough day today. Found out via a letter from the stbxw's lawyer, that she cancelled all the utility accounts (gas, water, electric) on the day she walked out. She didn't mention it or give warning and hasn't brought it up in an previous correspondence ... until today - 11 weeks down the line. Yet another surprise. This is all after announcing in a text message and on the phone (both text & audio retained) that she would pay for the rent and bills until the end of August. At the stage she mentioned that, she had already cancelled things.

I'm a bit worn out thinking about this stuff, oh and because of the sleeping tablet the doctor has prescribed so that I can get more than 2 hours a night.

As the days go by, this gets more unbelievable.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> Courses - I remembered that I have a couple of online courses to learn that I paid for a while ago and I haven't had time to start them. I shall speak to that in a post later.
> 
> Had a tough day today. Found out via a letter from the stbxw's lawyer, that she cancelled all the utility accounts (gas, water, electric) on the day she walked out. She didn't mention it or give warning and hasn't brought it up in an previous correspondence ... until today - 11 weeks down the line. Yet another surprise. This is all after announcing in a text message and on the phone (both text & audio retained) that she would pay for the rent and bills until the end of August. At the stage she mentioned that, she had already cancelled things.
> 
> ...


I have to just say this -- she is a hellfire B*TCH. Get your lawyer to take off the gloves and REALLY go after her, esp. for stealing funds.

Sorry you are having such a tough time. BUT use the time to do those online courses -- hopefully to advance something where you can work to earn some $$$.

You mentioned you are in IT -- can you join the gig economy type of job where you bid for work and do it on YOUR time (not a typical 9-5 job...)?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You mentioned you are in IT -- can you join the gig economy type of job where you bid for work and do it on YOUR time


I used to be in It until I had to give it up because of this damn neurological thing - I would love nothing more than to get out working again, I've missed it so much and now I can see that she has held me back from doing that and starting my own thing. It gets clearer the more things she 'pulls'. I can't wear glasses for more than half hour at a time and it makes me spin and I need to wear them to see. If I can get out of this situation then I could make a start, but today I feel that I'm going crazy.. I can't think straight. All this has got to me really bad and I'm really not coping very well.

I want to do one thing, my lawyer says that maybe not in my best interests, but the court are dragging their heels. I feel like I just want shot of it, shot of her, but why wouldn't I want the best result for me. It literally is driving me insane.

I think that I have been really manipulated over the time I'll been ill and I'm only starting to see it and experience the results of it. I feel such a fool. Not saying I;m not to blame, I should have just got started on the things that we were going to do, but she said that she wanted to do them together and then she disregarded everything. I now know why she repeatedly did that, to crush my dreams and to crush me.

Such a nasty way to treat somebody.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

UPDATE:

I have just found out today via my lawyer, that my wife only met this guy on 23rd April and moved in with him on 23rd May, after not seeing him for 9/10 years.

If this is the truth (which my lawyer says the courts will find it hard to believe) then it is likely the same guy she was with for 9 months in 2011. This doesn't take into consideration that she had withdrawn the savings in June 2020 and had been emptying them since May 2019 and that she had her eyes on withdrawing and taking my pension.

She claims to have spent all of the money she took and that she has amounted a huge amount of debt.

There are letters with my lawyers email that I haven't got the strength to read, as she says that they are upsetting - so probably running me down even more.

This is tough and I think this is going to financially and emotionally ruin me. Don't know how to handle this at the moment as she is setting herself up for not being able to pay money out, because she has so much debt that I was never aware of.

I feel like I can't win and am in an impossible situation.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Read the letters -- let them steel you against her. Have YOUR LAWYER go for broke with her. Just because she SPENT the money and has a lot of debt -- TOO BAD. She owes you the money and she can take out even MORE debt to pay you back. I would have your lawyer look into the fact that she stole this and press charges against her if proven.
Do NOT let this emotionally ruin you -- just realize that you trusted the wrong person and learn from this.
Expose her to everyone for the cheating and thief that she is.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I have already queried informing the police, as I have had conversations with the social care people about my condition and they think that I would be classed as a vulnerable adult (embarrassing), because of my neurological condition and having been unwell for a few years.

The issue that I have is that I was due to claim the legal costs from her, but now it looks as if I will have to use my pension to pay them. Still waiting for court ruling on maintenance, which is why I think she is playing these "debt" games, to try to make out that she hasn't got anything left. I have also reminded my lawyer that she withdrew the funds last year and has been removing them since May 2019, so this has been planned for a long time, so it's unlikely that she has only just met this guy again (after 9/10 years) and moved straight in with him.

I won't be reading the letters until tomorrow (don't want to then really either) and I really wish I had somebody here when I read them, as I know that I am a sissy when it comes to emotional stuff, which is again very embarrassing.

I don't know anybody she knows to expose her to (I don't do social media) and that's not me anyway. I know where you are coming from with this. She definitely seems to have covert passive-aggressive narcissistic traits. Just wish I could chat this over on a group call, to get some other perspectives! 

The whole thing is horrible and I just wish I could just pause everything to think, but it's courts timescales - perhaps i'll see what options are.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Smilieman, 
I've been reading your story because it struck a nerve with me. My health isn't as bad as yours but I am limited by it. In fact, I was recovering from major surgery when I found out about my ex's OW, then his alcoholism extra CC debt, etc.

I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's the loneliest, most painful thing to realize the person you loved is not who you thought and twisted to do this when you're at your lowest point.

Stay strong, and keep fighting! Don't let that ***** wear you down!


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> She claims to have spent all of the money she took and that she has amounted a huge amount of debt.


If she knew she was in trouble financially, and was planning on leaving you anyway, this is hardly surprising. A lot of people, before the declare bankruptcy, will go out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. Run it all up and enjoy the finer things in life before it all comes crashing down around them.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Smilieman,
> I've been reading your story because it struck a nerve with me. My health isn't as bad as yours but I am limited by it. In fact, I was recovering from major surgery when I found out about my ex's OW, then his alcoholism extra CC debt, etc.
> 
> I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's the loneliest, most painful thing to realize the person you loved is not who you thought and twisted to do this when you're at your lowest point.
> ...


Thank you for spending the time to comment. I am so sorry that you had to find out in such a horrible way. I have been absolutely dumb-founded about how many people are going through exactly the same stuff and it saddens me deeply that others can intentionally go to ruin another's life for no reason whatsoever. I feel that my entire relationship was a lie and I have been "gaslit" since we have been together and certainly manipulated since having this 'condition'. I didn't worship my wife, but I thought the world of her and wouldn't ever hurt her.

I am finding it hard to keep strong and feel that I am going down with the ship - where's the lifeboat?!  I must somehow get to grips with that and that is the toughest thing at the moment. I suppose I have two options:

1. Bail out and save what I can, or
2. Go all in and be prepared to lose everything.

I haven't uncovered any other options so far.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Zedd said:


> If she knew she was in trouble financially, and was planning on leaving you anyway, this is hardly surprising. A lot of people, before the declare bankruptcy, will go out in a blaze of glory, so to speak. Run it all up and enjoy the finer things in life before it all comes crashing down around them.


This actually makes sense and I reckon that the debt was created by building her new life, perhaps? It would then follow why she has taken my claim money and was trying to cash in may pensions to a joint account in order to pay off the debt that creating her new life created and have extra, while leaving me high and dry. It looks like I short-circuited that process, although she's still going to get access to it via the divorce - unless I stop it. I can't protect it as far as I know after the divorce has begun as the court would see it as 'maneuvering assets' or something.

She is certainly enjoying driving around brand new cars (which I find really egotistical as she has never before been into that and loved her old little convertible), which she is apparently leasing at god knows how much each month, together with a gardener, cleaner, ironing service, regular beauty treatments (which she has never had), etc, etc.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Get an attorney. Your joint funds will pay for it. You need to apply for disability so then you will have income. So if in US, contact Social Security office. 

You are able to care for yourself doing housework, so should be able to at least work at home. 

You need to get your ducks in a row. Sorry for your problems.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> Thank you for spending the time to comment. I am so sorry that you had to find out in such a horrible way. I have been absolutely dumb-founded about how many people are going through exactly the same stuff and it saddens me deeply that others can intentionally go to ruin another's life for no reason whatsoever. I feel that my entire relationship was a lie and I have been "gaslit" since we have been together and certainly manipulated since having this 'condition'. I didn't worship my wife, but I thought the world of her and wouldn't ever hurt her.
> 
> I am finding it hard to keep strong and feel that I am going down with the ship - where's the lifeboat?!  I must somehow get to grips with that and that is the toughest thing at the moment. I suppose I have two options:
> 
> ...


**** happens. I was completely frozen for a few weeks, and then horrified when I realized the situation I was in. You just can't sit and wallow, but must take action, to regain some footing, or it's so easy to become overwhelmed and not know which way is up. It sounds like you're stuck wallowing, my friend.

With all due respect, you need to put on your big boy pants and act now. Stop being surprised by anything she does now, she is now your enemy whether you like it or not. She's playing dirty in an all-out war on you to win. One thing I've found out the hard way, is selfish people will discard you when you're no longer useful to them, or they have the opportunity to get better, regardless of how well you treat them. 

Find your anger, that's what helped me to shake off my inertia. It was hard as **** to make myself act, especially as I was physically worn down and in pain. It's time to shake off the "woe is me" attitude and act. Please see a lawyer, the longer you stay frozen, the deeper the **** you're in. I'm not going to tell you it will be ok, b/c it won't be until you make it so. Heck, I'm still fighting to get back on my feet now, it was the worst time to start over. 

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but you need to get up and face it head on.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Get an attorney. Your joint funds will pay for it. You need to apply for disability so then you will have income. So if in US, contact Social Security office.
> 
> You are able to care for yourself doing housework, so should be able to at least work at home.
> 
> You need to get your ducks in a row. Sorry for your problems.


Thanks for your input - I already have a lawyer, but the stbxw is saying that she won't pay any costs apart from 575gbp - waiting to maintenance claim to be approved/rejected by the court still - 4 weeks now even though it was supposed to be a week or 2. Backlogs.

My condition is not recognised as a disability, but I have done my best to put a claim in. I am waiting to hear, but it could take months.

I'm just today trying to sort out starting my business as I was looking to so that before the wife left. It is difficult though, but I need to make a start.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Smilieman said:


> it saddens me deeply that others can intentionally go to ruin another's life for no reason whatsoever.


You don't have this part exactly right. At least not in the context of how it's used.

It's more a matter of "every man or woman for themselves, to get the biggest chunk of the marital pie as possible, with no concern for any collateral damage on the ex-partner".

In other words, the intent is not to intentionally ruin the other person's life, and it's not for no reason. But if it happens, oh well


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I was completely frozen for a few weeks, and then horrified when I realized the situation I was in. You just can't sit and wallow, but must take action, to regain some footing, or it's so easy to become overwhelmed and not know which way is up. It sounds like you're stuck wallowing, my friend.


I'm certianly not wallowing, I just don't know what to do next as I'm still waiting for the outcome of the maintenance claim submitted to the court so I know what the next step is. Courts are backlogged and even though it was put through as an emergency interim maintenance claim, it has so far taken nearly 4 weeks instead of the expected two.



TXTrini said:


> With all due respect, you need to put on your big boy pants and act now. Stop being surprised by anything she does now, she is now your enemy whether you like it or not. She's playing dirty in an all-out war on you to win. One thing I've found out the hard way, is selfish people will discard you when you're no longer useful to them, or they have the opportunity to get better, regardless of how well you treat them.


Nothing surprises me anymore. She has outdone herself and is not the person I recognise. Granted that I expected her to keep to her word and what we had arranged, but she has not kept to anything and not communicated anything. So, things were happening (as still are) unexpectedly.

I have also learned about selfish people and covert passive-aggressive narcissists - which I am now seeing my stbxw has strong traits of - that disregard and discard. This has been my experience for years, but from the covert standpoint, but I can identify loads of stuff that has happened over the years and the gaslighting has been happening since we have been together - I just didn't see it .. until now - even as far as giving me the impression that we were trying for a baby, mapping out ovulation periods, etc, then claiming that she can't get pregnant. It is likely that this was all for my benefit and that she was secretly on birth control, which is what you would do if having an affair. We have been having unprotected sex for over 4 years. Callous if this is the case. It actually wouldn't surprise me if she was pregnant by the other guy and in actual fact, I am half expecting that.



TXTrini said:


> Find your anger, that's what helped me to shake off my inertia. It was hard as *** to make myself act, especially as I was physically worn down and in pain. It's time to shake off the "woe is me" attitude and act. Please see a lawyer, the longer you stay frozen, the deeper the *** you're in. I'm not going to tell you it will be ok, b/c it won't be until you make it so. Heck, I'm still fighting to get back on my feet now, it was the worst time to start over


I have had a lawyer for weeks now. It was her that put in the claim. However her bills are huge and I haven't got the money to keep paying those bills. The idea was to claim costs from the stbxw, so I'm not sure what to do now as she reckoned that it was likely the court would agree due to the fact I have no income. I really want to put things on pause for a while while I get my housing and financial situation sorted, as I can't seem to juggle both, especially when the only money I have is in my pension and I need to pay a year rent upfront to secure a house, as I don't have a monthly income.

What I haven't got is the anger - usually I would and I don't know where it's gone. I think it's being held back by the extreme anxiety that makes me shake all the time and the effects that has on my neurological issue, which is massive (not wanting to keep harping on about it, but it make it hard to function properly).

It's the next steps that I don't know. What to do next, what to focus on, where to move to and how, where's my pension money going (lawyers, stbxw), utility bills - lawyer told me not to engage as it wasn't agreed, I have prompted her for advice, how to pay rent here as the benefit I get doesn't cover it all, how to eat cheaply and as healthily as possible, etc. My mind is ablaze with not knowing what to do next. What I have been doing is finding out the things that are stressing me the most and then tackling those. So I found out today that my wife will not honour continual payment of the internet & telephone and so I have arranged another service (with the help of another forum member) that is specifically geared towards people in the UK in positions such as mine. This is not advertised anywhere, but I get unlimited internet & phone calls to landline and mobiles, free cordless phone and free cost when I move house, for a really good price and much less than anywhere else I can find. If I don't qualify any more after a year, then they just add and extra 5gbp to the price, still making it the cheaper option.



TXTrini said:


> What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but you need to get up and face it head on.


Hopefully! This is the worst time ever in my entire life. Facing it head-on, yes I am doing the best I can, but I feel so alone doing it. I don't know what else to do apart from maybe looking to get out of this house and town. I have had a discussion today with a woman who is seeing how she can help and that maybe part of it. I have legal forms to fill in and there is a group that may be able to help me complete those, if I want to continue pushing for divorce despite not being able to claim costs so I'll be left with nothing. I need to look at mitigating my risk and not sure if I am able to as I can't see the option.

I am also thinking about informing the police with regard to the bank account being closed (with my signature on a form that I didn't sign) as the social services woman I spoke to today said that because of my neurological condition I would be classed as vulnerable and have been taken advantage of an abused both emotionally and financially. I have mentioned this again to my lawyer as I don't to cause more issues than I need to, but this is now the 3rd authoritative person to mention this to me.

I agree that this is the worst time ever to start over and I feel so old with it (55) and seriously wonder about the remainder of my life.

Another woman commented to me the other day (and she was young - in her twenties) that the trash has taken itself out. At first I found it sad and annoying that somebody was speaking about my wife in that way, but then I saw it for the truth it was.

Sorry about the waffle. But I just wanted you to know that I have had a lawyer for a while. If however you think there is something else I could do then I would be happy to take suggestions, as I do feel a bit stuck, but mainly towards living arrangements/housing as I have been waiting on the courts on the suggestion of my lawyer. It was support to just be a few days.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Trident said:


> In other words, the intent is not to intentionally ruin the other person's life, and it's not for no reason. But if it happens, oh well


Yes I see that you are right. I'm not wired that way though and would never intentionally cause anybody distress, especially to this level. I go through life being as fair as I can, not causing harm to others as much as I can and being fair as much as I can. This seems to have done me no favours it would seem and has made me the target (or 'mark' if you like) of the one person I trusted and loved the most in the entire world. I didn't dote on her, but I thought the world of her and she knew it. I would never treat her bad and would always put my life before hers. Maybe I was wrong to think that way and not to hold my life in a higher regard to somebody elses.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Thanks for your input - I already have a lawyer, but the stbxw is saying that she won't pay any costs apart from 575gbp - waiting to maintenance claim to be approved/rejected by the court still - 4 weeks now even though it was supposed to be a week or 2. Backlogs.
> 
> My condition is not recognised as a disability, but I have done my best to put a claim in. I am waiting to hear, but it could take months.
> 
> I'm just today trying to sort out starting my business as I was looking to so that before the wife left. It is difficult though, but I need to make a start.


It's not up to her. But if you don't have a lawyer already representing you in court she will get her way on everything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> Thanks for your input - I already have a lawyer, but the stbxw is saying that she won't pay any costs apart from 575gbp - waiting to maintenance claim to be approved/rejected by the court still - 4 weeks now even though it was supposed to be a week or 2. Backlogs.
> 
> My condition is not recognised as a disability, but I have done my best to put a claim in. I am waiting to hear, but it could take months.
> 
> I'm just today trying to sort out starting my business as I was looking to so that before the wife left. It is difficult though, but I need to make a start.


Good luck on your business startup. I know inner ear stuff can be debilitating. Tinnitus would drive me crazy, kind of like being stuck in the doctor's lobby today with a toddler just learning to talk. My mom had vertigo. That's debilitating too. But you just need to be in a work environment that you can control.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not up to her. But if you don't have a lawyer already representing you in court she will get her way on everything.


But I do have a lawyer.

I also fear that the content of the letter recieved by my lawyer today that she remarks as upsetting, are going to claim that my wife is pregnant by the other man. I don't want to read these letters as I see no point in continuing to put myself through these things in the mess that I am in, but I suspect that I may be right and that would be most upsetting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just read it. Avoiding pain and problems is no way to live.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> But I do have a lawyer.
> 
> I also fear that the content of the letter recieved by my lawyer today that she remarks as upsetting, are going to claim that my wife is pregnant by the other man. I don't want to read these letters as I see no point in continuing to put myself through these things in the mess that I am in, but I suspect that I may be right and that would be most upsetting.


Just have your lawyer read it and tell you what you need to know.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good luck on your business startup.


Well, I need to do something positive and it will be a start, but it will be a long road ahead. I hope I can muster something up to get me going.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I know inner ear stuff can be debilitating. Tinnitus would drive me crazy, kind of like being stuck in the doctor's lobby today with a toddler just learning to talk


It is awful. It's the loudest it's ever been and it's constant in my head, it never lets up! White noise and high-pitched whine.



DownByTheRiver said:


> My mom had vertigo. That's debilitating too


Yes it is, but people don't seem to realize. I am dizzy 24/7 to varying degrees, it increases with stress levels (so you can imagine what it's like) and I get surprise violent vertigo attacks while asleep. Dizziness is also affected by vision and things such as supermarket aisles and walking around the house to fast and too much.



DownByTheRiver said:


> But you just need to be in a work environment that you can control.


I know where you are coming from here and I agree. It is difficult though as I can't sit at a desk too long as I get a numb arm, neck stiffness (which makes tinnitus worse and causes headaches) and upper back pain cause by ribs slipping when sitting at my desk. Further wearing reading glasses to see the screen makes me spin increasingly, so I can't wear them for too long and the stronger ones make this happen instantaneously. So it's a bit of a mixed bag and awkward to deal with. I have found that I have been the best when I have no stress and have exercised regularly - a place where I long to be again at some stage - but I haven't found that it's necessarily the environment, but rather the type of 'thing'. This is why I was working towards seminars or small group work, as it's not the traditional type 'job' setting and something I really enjoy. I need to get back to that point but I fear that my current mental state is a lot to be desired - perhaps it will help just doing it. I shall draft a plan in the morning to see what my option are and how I can go about getting something going ASAP. I have a few ideas, but I'm not business-minded. I have reached out tonight to somebody I know who may have contacts who could help - we'll see.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read it. Avoiding pain and problems is no way to live.


D'ya know what? I know you are right and normally I would and I agree that it's no way to live. But this is the first time in my entire life that I have felt like a hopeless POS. I have done nothing but deal with surprise after surprise at a moments notice and the legal stuff, the finance stuff and the housing stuff and I really don't feel that I can handle anything else. It makes it harder when there's nobody there to chat with after and that would help, but not before bed. Always come round for a cuppa if you like!  Lol!

Seriously though, I would normally have dealt with things head on, and I'm just assuming that my lawyer is saying it upsetting because the content she deems would be upsetting to me and I may be 100% wrong about about her being pregnant. It could have other information in it that may give me a bit of closure and hints of where she is living, of course. I may see if I can get somebody to come round like my next-door neighbour (he like coffee) to what seem like to 'hold my hand' while I read through.

Please let it be widey know that on this day in history, I have been the subject of a toxic relationship split without my knowledge and have turned from a fair ad graceful confident guy to a sliterhing usel ess exuse for a man, literally overnight.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Be sure you are seeing the right kind of doctor for all those problems and also the kind of doctor that can maybe help you manage your stress and get through this bad. Stress makes just about every condition worse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Smilieman said:


> D'ya know what? I know you are right and normally I would and I agree that it's no way to live. But this is the first time in my entire life that I have felt like a hopeless POS. I have done nothing but deal with surprise after surprise at a moments notice and the legal stuff, the finance stuff and the housing stuff and I really don't feel that I can handle anything else. It makes it harder when there's nobody there to chat with after and that would help, but not before bed. Always come round for a cuppa if you like!  Lol!
> 
> Seriously though, I would normally have dealt with things head on, and I'm just assuming that my lawyer is saying it upsetting because the content she deems would be upsetting to me and I may be 100% wrong about about her being pregnant. It could have other information in it that may give me a bit of closure and hints of where she is living, of course. I may see if I can get somebody to come round like my next-door neighbour (he like coffee) to what seem like to 'hold my hand' while I read through.
> 
> Please let it be widey know that on this day in history, I have been the subject of a toxic relationship split without my knowledge and have turned from a fair ad graceful confident guy to a sliterhing usel ess exuse for a man, literally overnight.


I do know your pain on feeling weak and insecure and totally cut off at the waist. I went through it once. Neve again will I let a woman make me feel that low. Get your business going and get some confidence built back up. That will really help.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> I'm certianly not wallowing, I just don't know what to do next as I'm still waiting for the outcome of the maintenance claim submitted to the court so I know what the next step is. Courts are backlogged and even though it was put through as an emergency interim maintenance claim, it has so far taken nearly 4 weeks instead of the expected two.
> 
> Nothing surprises me anymore. She has outdone herself and is not the person I recognise. Granted that I expected her to keep to her word and what we had arranged, but she has not kept to anything and not communicated anything. So, things were happening (as still are) unexpectedly.
> 
> ...


Ok good. I didn't mean to be too harsh, just help light a fire under your butt a little. It's ok not to know what to do, but you have access here and are responding pretty often, so you can pursue your goals and look for information. No one will have your best interests but you.

Definitely get the police involved with that financial fraud shenanigans. It's not your problem if she goes to jail, if she wanted to avoid that, she shouldn't have acted nefariously. The only thing though is if she gets disbarred, that might kill the potential for spousal support. 

Anyway, don't plan on it, work on getting your health stable and your business plan. I'm not saying this because you're a man and I'm telling you to suck it up. For the record, I'm a woman, I did not get alimony and I have to start from scratch after being thrown away for not being a "fun" healthy partner. We didn't have assets besides the marital home, no inheritances in play as of yet. It was worth my peace to walk, I felt tainted by having him and his family in my life. 

I get that it's hard to think straight or find motivation, but it gets easier with time. At least you have some solid education and experience behind you, so you're in a pretty decent position. Every time you feel discouraged, try to list the things you're grateful for, it really helps. Sometimes I wonder what the point of my life is, and if I let myself, I can go down that rabbit hole of despair, even now, so I truly feel for you. 

It will get better one day, maybe not today, but some day. Stay strong!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read it. Avoiding pain and problems is no way to live.


So, I read it very briefly this morning - and I mean I just skimmed it. It was her Statement of Truth stating that she hasn't got any money, she has spent all the stuff she took, her car was faulty (even though it wasn't), that she had met this guy (again after 9/10 years) one month before she left me - this confirmed that she had had an affair inside a year of us being married, if not before, and was living with somebody when she left me the first time 10 years ago and it is the same person. So she's been holding a candle for him all this time and probably been seeing him for 10 years at least. She also can't drive at the moment as the stress has made her neck hurt and that she thinks that I can work as I did some heafty work in the garden over a 5-6 month period - yes it took me that long to dig out 3 beds for vegetables and I suffered for it for weeks each time and she had to put my ribs back in constantly - she knows this and failed to mention it.

She also states that she felt restricted in the relationship (never shared with me) and then started to paint me to be the issue.

I haven't read it thoroughly so don't know what else is in it, but I didn't see anything about being pregnant.

The thing is if she hasn't got the money she says, then how come she's driving around in a new Range Rover, got a Gardener, cleaner, ironing service, went on holiday abroad after she left me, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Smilieman said:


> But I do have a lawyer.
> 
> I also fear that the content of the letter recieved by my lawyer today that she remarks as upsetting, are going to claim that my wife is pregnant by the other man. I don't want to read these letters as I see no point in continuing to put myself through these things in the mess that I am in, but I suspect that I may be right and that would be most upsetting.


Ask your solicitor to precis the letters for you?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

I have just finished working through that document sent by my wife....



MattMatt said:


> Ask your solicitor to precis the letters for you?


It wasn't a letter after all , it was a Statement of Truth that was full of manipulated truths and lies. I cannot believe (well I can now) that she, a lawyer, would lie and falsify a Statement of Truth. Of course making me out to be the bad guy and saying that she hasn't manipulated me and taken the money ...... I think the actual proof here proves that she did. She has tried to claim that she spent it on household stuff for us and has referenced items that were purchased some 3-4+ years prior to my claim money being received. Logically it doesn't hold water.

And that's only for starters.

She met a guy (who she hasn't seen for 10 years) and one month later moved in with him. If this is true (which I very highly doubt), then it's a big risk to take. It's been going on for a while I suspect, hence the planning and money moving and is also likely to be the guy who was her affair partner before.

She also states that she can't work at the moment as she is having issue with her neck due to all the stress. She was also stating that we had had conversation on stuff and made them factual and twisted them, when they were in fact just fleeting comments made years ago.

That was Tough going though that though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Report to the Law Society?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Report to the Law Society?


There is no evidence, it's just her version of what she is saying is true - it's not and only I know this as I have lived it. It's annoying.

Had a chat with my lawyer today, I was emotional (embarrassing), and told her I wanted to pause the divorce .. maybe as I'm finding things difficult. She said it was underway but the financial stuff can wait until October. I have now decided to get it done this week though, then I haven't got to stress over it anymore. I feel like my emotions want to hold me back while the logical side just wants this done - it's a strange and conflicting feeling and one that is causing me high levels of anxiety that I have never had in my life.

After doing some more research, I am convinced that I am dealing with a covert narcissist and I never saw it, or wanted to admit I saw it, but she fits the traits like a train on a track. Shame, I really did love her, but that's part of their tactics apparently. At least it was truth from my perspective which is all I can hold on to.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> There is no evidence, it's just her version of what she is saying is true - it's not and only I know this as I have lived it. It's annoying.
> 
> Had a chat with my lawyer today, I was emotional (embarrassing), and told her I wanted to pause the divorce .. maybe as I'm finding things difficult. She said it was underway but the financial stuff can wait until October. I have now decided to get it done this week though, then I haven't got to stress over it anymore. I feel like my emotions want to hold me back while the logical side just wants this done - it's a strange and conflicting feeling and one that is causing me high levels of anxiety that I have never had in my life.
> 
> After doing some more research, I am convinced that I am dealing with a covert narcissist and I never saw it, or wanted to admit I saw it, but she fits the traits like a train on a track. Shame, I really did love her, but that's part of their tactics apparently. At least it was truth from my perspective which is all I can hold on to.


Hey Smilieman,
Please do not pause the divorce, there's no point. If you think your anxiety is bad now, it will only get worse the longer you're in limbo. 

Also, forget about researching her and what she is, it no longer matters. You can get stuck going down that rabbit hole, but it's unproductive. Focus your research on something that will help YOU, since you already have so much hardship doing things. She chose to exit your life, so who she is and what she does is no longer your concern.

As a Brit, you might find this quote inspiring, it's one of my favorites..
"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Txtrini gave you good advice. Pausing the divorce would just be running from the problem. Get some better resolve. You don’t have a choice but divorce her. Surely you realize that.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

UPDATE:
-------------
Sorry I haven't responded sooner, I've been having such a rough time - emotionally speaking. I have never been at this point in my entire life and it is really tough. I feel like a little child who's mummy ran away and left him all lost and alone in the street. How pathetic! But, my challenges are mainly the legal ones that are pushing me a little bit too far.

The latest update is that the maintenance claim has got a court hearing date - 7th September. I was unaware that this was going to be a full hearing, as I thought the the judge would just look at it and decide, but instead I need to be there (via video-link) and I need a barrister at an extra cost of 2,100gbp.



TXTrini said:


> Hey Smilieman,
> Please do not pause the divorce, there's no point. If you think your anxiety is bad now, it will only get worse the longer you're in limbo.


So I'm not doing this, but I have had some serious challenges with anxiety and I want this entire thing to be over. My pension fund is being fast depleted if I go down this maintenance claim hearing route then I won't have enough to find a place to live. I have already forked out a few thousand on lawyers fees, let alone this month's bill and the barrister. All in all I could have paid the rent on a property for a year, instead I have nothing to show for this expenditure and the hearing will be a roll of a dice ... perhaps. Nobody knows what will happen.

Rather than employing a barrister, I am wondering whether it would be worth just using this opportunity to attempt to come to one last agreement for the entire situation. The games that my wife is playing and the narcissistic & sociopathic nastiness doesn't seem worth the hassle and I now just want her to leave me alone and get the hell out of my life.

I don't want to be dependent on her anymore and I am therefore wondering if I offer to drop the maintenance claim and put forward that I will accept the cost of a years rent in full and final settlement, with no more claim on her and she will have no more claim on me - a fast divorce, no financial claims, etc. That will put me in a position where I can look to set myself up in a different house as I need to pay the rent for an entire year due to not having a monthly income, or we will continue the process and if the court rules in my favour then it will cost her much more in both the short and long-term.

Is this a good idea for me financially? Probably not, but it's a good plan emotionally. I have not been coping with this at all well and if it had been an amicable run-of-the-mill divorce process then it wouldn't be so bad, but she has got vindictive and has blatantly lied on her statement of truth and (I know it sounds pathetic) but my mental health is suffering with the pressure of this, my pensions being used up with legal fees that may never get recovered and pressure from my lawyer who just wants to make a living by charging me without any forethought of the strain I am under, even though I have told her that my health is suffering because of all this.

Furthermore my disability claim has been rejected due to them "not receiving the information in time". Well that's rubbish as I applied for an extension and got proof of posting. So I shall call them tomorrow.



TXTrini said:


> Also, forget about researching her and what she is, it no longer matters. You can get stuck going down that rabbit hole, but it's unproductive. Focus your research on something that will help YOU, since you already have so much hardship doing things. She chose to exit your life, so who she is and what she does is no longer your concern.


Yep, I stopped that. Got all the information I needed and I am glad that I am out of the relationship. I just wish I had come across this information 10 years back as it would have saved me this heartache and hassle. As you say, it is a rabbit hole.

Winston Churchill's quote is a good quote. The thing is, at what cost both mentally and financially?



Evinrude58 said:


> Get some better resolve. You don’t have a choice but divorce her. Surely you realize that.


I do realise that, but it's the process and the nastiness that I can't stand. She's playing games and the only way a game can be stopped, is if one person stops playing. I have gone from loving her for over 19 years, to just wanting her the hell out of my life and to leave me alone - all in 12 weeks. That has surprised me as I have always told her that I would always love her ... I've changed my mind.

So that's my loose plan as I can't face the court stuff, the dragging on or the constant emotional turmoil. Hopefully it may be a solution for a quick end to this fiasco. Neither of us has any assets really, just pensions (worth about the same) and her potential to earn. It seems that this issue is keeping me stuck and not able to move forward. I have already lost one house that I could have moved to - perhaps that wasn't to be - but it was based on my lawyers advice to "wait a few days", which became 2 weeks, then 4 and now 6.5. It goes without saying that I lost the opportunity for that house, but there are now 2 more on the horizon. If I keep having to pay large amounts for lawyers & barristers, then I will have nothing left and won't be able to put up the full years rent (my only option), therefore am I not doing myself a disservice I wonder?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s a lawyer, and you’re playing right into her hands. Your attorney needs to do a better job of explains probable outcomes. She’s playing you like a violin and using your fears and emotions against you


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s a lawyer, and you’re playing right into her hands. Your attorney needs to do a better job of explains probable outcomes. She’s playing you like a violin and using your fears and emotions against you


My lawyer has explained probable outcomes and I contacted her yesterday, she said it is very likely that I will be award some kind of maintenance payment due to the fact that my wife has been supporting us for the past 7 years.

It is of my lawyers opinion that the statement of truth that my wife submitted is a clear attempt at character assassination and will be seen that way by the judge. In that statement it also confirms that she has been supporting us for the past 7 years - so she may have shot herself in the foot. I don't know.

Unfortunately my lawyer cannot control the courts and there is such a backlog so timescales are significantly extended.

If I am playing into 'her' (stbxw?) hands, how can I not play into them if what I am doing is based on the advice from my lawyer? She's definitely using my emotions against me, as she knows how difficult it is for me to handle this stuff, especially when my brain doesn't work properly.

For now, based on my lawyers advice, I have given the go-ahead to hire the barrister seeing as my wife was notified yesterday about the court date and it was imperative that she didn't engage with the best barrister for my case.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Smilieman,
Just checking in, hope you're holding up ok. I'm sorry about the delay, that definitely throws a monkey wrench in things and probably adds to your anxiety. What are you doing for self-care? Don't tell me about the cost, b/c there are lots of things you can do for free... meditation, walking, eating decently, sleeping enough, etc.

Any luck on the business plan?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“ I am therefore wondering if I offer to drop the maintenance claim and put forward that I will accept the cost of a years rent in full and final settlement, with no more claim on her and she will have no more claim on me - a fast divorce, no financial claims, etc.”

You are going to accept breadcrumbs just to get it all over with because you’re all stressed out about it. You’re not getting squat from this chick unless you take her to court. If you’re going to have to take her to court, go after whatever you can get. Don’t let her scare you into accepting little or nothing, although I suspect she will use her system knowledge to bled you dry of lawyer fees.....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> It is difficult though as I can't sit at a desk too long as I get a numb arm, neck stiffness (which makes tinnitus worse and causes headaches) and upper back pain cause by ribs slipping when sitting at my desk. Further wearing reading glasses to see the screen makes me spin increasingly, so I can't wear them for too long and the stronger ones make this happen instantaneously.


Smilieman, have you seen a spinal surgeon about your symptoms? Some of this sounds to me like disc/pinched nerve or degeneration issues.

One other thing -- can you increase the font size on your screen so that you do NOT have to wear the glasses?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> She also states that she can't work at the moment as she is having issue with her neck due to all the stress. She was also stating that we had had conversation on stuff and made them factual and twisted them, when they were in fact just fleeting comments made years ago.


Maintenance payments will be decided using her last years earnings.
You need the divorce to go ahead ASAP, if you want maintenance based on her earnings.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Smilieman,
> Just checking in, hope you're holding up ok. I'm sorry about the delay, that definitely throws a monkey wrench in things and probably adds to your anxiety. What are you doing for self-care? Don't tell me about the cost, b/c there are lots of things you can do for free... meditation, walking, eating decently, sleeping enough, etc.
> 
> Any luck on the business plan?


Hi Trini
Thanks for following up. Doing my best. Trying to work out the mindset that I will not know and cannot change or influence or control anything until after the court hearing. That takes a bit of effort that I have yet to master, as I am really worried about my housing situation and yes, that adds to my anxiety no end .... however.....

Self-care:

Meditation - check: I have to do guided meditation as the silence creates more anxiety. Sleep Hypnosis audio's for anxiety and emotional release also.
Walking - check: I walk down the town and the park some days. Today I found a tiny little woodland in a different part of town that I found when going to look around a house. I felt so lonely walking around there, but it had elderberries, sloe's,a few blackberries, rowan berries and nettles - so a good source of foraging in a small area! I need to get some more trainers though as I noticed that mine are worn through and have huge holes in them. It's a shame because of the expense, but I do need shoes. I only own one pair as I didn't want to be a burden on my wife's income.
Eating decently: Now there's the challenge. I am finishing of the organic food that we had in the freezer as I need to empty it out, so I've been using that a lot and just buying the bare minimum, such as fresh veg and some cereal, which isn't great, but makes for a quick something to eat when I cannot be bothered. Otherwise, eggs for breakfast, a banana for lunch (this should be a salad really) and some form of cooked dinner. I had chilli tonight that I cook a couple of weeks ago and froze the rest.
Sleeping: That's the very difficult bit. I cannot sleep. I am on tablets (temporary - benzo's) that make me tired, but don't make me sleep very long, so I'm awake in 2-4 hours. I have only had a maximum of 5 hours sleep in 13 weeks and I cannot sleep during the day.
A guy from a charity that supports blokes came over today and we walked to the park, had a coffee and chat, which was nice.
House hunting: Even though I am waiting for the court hearing on 7th sept, I am keeping my eye on the new houses coming up for private rental, so I have options in the case that the judge awards some form of maintenance. I viewed one today and two last Monday in a neighbouring town.
Gardening: I have to start this over the weekend as it's all overgrown again as the rented house here hasn't been taken care of and the lawn and beds are just full of weeds. It;s easier to let them grow and then pull them out towards the end of season.

I should be working out but I stopped early on. I have physio exercises to do but can't get around to doing them due to feeling so anxious and shakey - I should force myself to do these. I have a physio appointment in September and need to do them regularly before then.

Business Plan: That hasn't got anywhere as yet. I am working on the divorce stuff which is taking ages and I am waiting for some paperwork to arrive that I had to request from the state pension. I have another huge pension form to fill in as something is changing (could have done without that) and some more paperwork. It take me ages as my Vestibular Migraine symptoms are really bad and it's hard to think straight at the moment, but I'm getting there.

Medication: I am now officially on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. I hate the fact that I couldn't suss this and had to take these in order to try to control the anxiety. The good news is that I did some research and found a nedical study that indicated that SSRI's had a positive effect on Vestibular Migraine symptoms. So that would be a double-whammy if that worked. Nobody has ever told me this.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are going to accept breadcrumbs just to get it all over with because you’re all stressed out about it. You’re not getting squat from this chick unless you take her to court. If you’re going to have to take her to court, go after whatever you can get. Don’t let her scare you into accepting little or nothing, although I suspect she will use her system knowledge to bled you dry of lawyer fees.....


You are right and I decided not to put forward another offer. I have already put forward two offers, so that's that. My lawyers comment about her statement of truth and how it would likely be viewed helped me decide.

As far as bleeding me dry in lawyers fees - I can only hope that the judge agrees to the claim for costs that accompanies the claim for maintenance.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Maintenance payments will be decided using her last years earnings.
> You need the divorce to go ahead ASAP, if you want maintenance based on her earnings.


Maybe a good point. I'm working through the paperwork for the financial stuff. Should be good to go next week after I receive the state pension statement I requested that needs to accompany it. I can only do what I can do seeing as most of the paperwork concerning my stuff has been removed or discarded.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Smilieman, have you seen a spinal surgeon about your symptoms? Some of this sounds to me like disc/pinched nerve or degeneration issues.


No but I have had multipl MRI scans and all is fine apart from a slight narrowing of the hole that the nerve to my left arm goes through, causing my arm to go numb and tingly - especially when sitting at my PC. It is also affect by my rib and known as "T4 Syndrome"



jlg07 said:


> One other thing -- can you increase the font size on your screen so that you do NOT have to wear the glasses?


I used to do this early on, but as time has gone on and I've worn my reading glasses, everything is too blurry even at huge text size. It's such a shame.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

As way of a brief update, the court hearing is on Tuesday for maintenance. I am absolutely dreading this and think that my stbxw will be positioning her argument with regards to the portion of my pension that she coerced me into withdrawing (pretending it was to start working towards our future and looking at buying property and/or investing elsewhere - seemed plausible at the time, now I can see the bigger picture and that she was setting it up to grab it when it came out, hence the joint account) and which has largely being spent on legal fees. The hearing will be by video link from home. I've certainly been stressing about this for a fair few weeks now and the information that she submitted to the court (statement of truth) is full of manipulated truths and lies, that I think will work for her if she is believed. Coupled with the fact that she is a lawyer and has the resources of the firm she works for at her disposal, I'm not convinced that I have a decent chance of a good result. Who are they more likely to believe? Someone who has a responsible authoritative position in a law firm or me - an unemployed and neurologically compromised dumped husband, who's doing his best to survive given the circumstance that has been thrust upon him and who is being painted by is wife to be something opposite to what I am in order for her to justify to herself and everybody else, why she 'had' to have an affair and leave?

I suppose we will soon see. This waiting is extremely tough though and totally unbearable.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you have your own "statement of truth" that can counteract the crap she spewed? Your lawyer should be helping you with this and making sure she is NOT believed...
Make sure that YOUR story gets to the judge -- do not let your STBXW control the narrative.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Why don't you have your own "statement of truth" that can counteract the crap she spewed? Your lawyer should be helping you with this and making sure she is NOT believed...
> Make sure that YOUR story gets to the judge -- do not let your STBXW control the narrative.


That's already in my claim. Not a statement of truth per se, but all the information required. I also asked my lawyer about this and whether I needed to respond to my wife's statement - she said not to go down to her level as she was playing dirty by attempted character assassination and it is plainly obvious and would be obvious to the judge also.

Well, today's the day......see what the outcome is later.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Smilieman said:


> Well, today's the day......see what the outcome is later.


Good luck!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good luck.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> That's already in my claim. Not a statement of truth per se, but all the information required. I also asked my lawyer about this and whether I needed to respond to my wife's statement - she said not to go down to her level as she was playing dirty by attempted character assassination and it is plainly obvious and would be obvious to the judge also.
> 
> Well, today's the day......see what the outcome is later.


good luck @Smilieman


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> That's already in my claim. Not a statement of truth per se, but all the information required. I also asked my lawyer about this and whether I needed to respond to my wife's statement - she said not to go down to her level as she was playing dirty by attempted character assassination and it is plainly obvious and would be obvious to the judge also.
> 
> Well, today's the day......see what the outcome is later.


Best of luck Smilieman!!!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Thanks for all your sentiments. So basically I got awarded a very small amount. The court wasn't interested in the money that was stolen and they couldn't order it to be returned in any amount, as she had stipulated that it was spent. I have rent of 1,050, bills to pay and food to buy. I was awarded 800. It cost me £8,000 to fight this and to get some form of payment. It is also only on a temporary short-term basis, I was led to believe that it was also longer-term. As far as costs were concerned we both have to pay our own costs, so I couldn't even get those back. Lesson learned - don't trust lawyers. Had I not followed my lawyers advice, I would have had a roof over my head for 1.5 years, paid for and I wouldn't have spent all those funds following my lawyers advice.

So that's that. Can't be bothered to do anything else with the divorce. My main priority is to find somewhere to live while I still have some pension money to use.

The only positive this was that I have actually now found out the town she is living in - or around - I was right in what I thought and it secures my feelings that this affair has been going on for years - even while we were living in the same town, perhaps.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> The only positive this was that I have actually now found out the town she is living in - or around - I was right in what I thought and it secures my feelings that this affair has been going on for years - even while we were living in the same town, perhaps.


Sorry @Smilieman for the bad outcome, now you know why men avoid marriage, it's not worth it, most women are not worth the risk!
It was going on for years, that's what most posters said, now you know who she is, I hope it helps you to dump her from your mind and move on emotionally not just physically!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, at least you’re rid of her. Good luck moving on.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Thank you. Yes, I can say that I have certainly had my eyes opened and hopefully it will make it easier to move on ... however that would look. Just trying to still get my head round things and the nasty things she has said about me in her documents to the courts. Now I know exactly what she thought of me, even though the said and acted differently.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You lawyer obviously sucked at their job -- and I hope you let them know that.
Sorry, but at least now you can focus on YOU


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> Thanks for all your sentiments. So basically I got awarded a very small amount. The court wasn't interested in the money that was stolen and they couldn't order it to be returned in any amount, as she had stipulated that it was spent. I have rent of 1,050, bills to pay and food to buy. I was awarded 800. It cost me £8,000 to fight this and to get some form of payment. It is also only on a temporary short-term basis, I was led to believe that it was also longer-term. As far as costs were concerned we both have to pay our own costs, so I couldn't even get those back. Lesson learned - don't trust lawyers. Had I not followed my lawyers advice, I would have had a roof over my head for 1.5 years, paid for and I wouldn't have spent all those funds following my lawyers advice.
> 
> So that's that. Can't be bothered to do anything else with the divorce. My main priority is to find somewhere to live while I still have some pension money to use.
> 
> The only positive this was that I have actually now found out the town she is living in - or around - I was right in what I thought and it secures my feelings that this affair has been going on for years - even while we were living in the same town, perhaps.


Hi Smilieman,
I'm sorry to hear the hearing didn't go in your favor. I have to say I wasn't impressed with the law either during my own divorce. Like you, I was an ill spouse, in fact, I was on medical leave from my job still after major surgery when I found out about the affair.


I was very weak and had a life-threatening infection, so it seemed hopeless when faced with everything. I might not know exactly what you live with, but I do understand.

We both paid our lawyer's fees, we split the home equity and that was it, no alimony. My ex's lawyer tried to deny me my portion of our home equity by dumping 2000 pages of financial statements the night before my mediation in the hope I wouldn't find the proof and conveniently "forgetting" about the shared asset. 

After 13 years of being the supporting spouse to a higher earner who developed his career while I held down our household, and picked up the slack when he was laid off, I got royally screwed. So for all you men saying women aren't worth the risk, and only men get screwed financially, don't pretend like it doesn't happen to women. 

Anyway, you're free of that witch, Smilie, you might be surprised how much better you'll feel physically being away from her now that she's not sucking the life out of you. I've had a tough couple of years, but I went back to school to re-train for another career I can manage (hopefully) and not scrape by. 

I know it's hard to face life now, after this shock, being chronically ill, but you can do it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it won't suck, but you will be ok in the end if you take action. You can't just sit there and wish things were better, you need to figure out your next move and make a plan so you can set things in motion to stand back up again.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Anyway, you're free of that witch, Smilie, you might be surprised how much better you'll feel physically being away from her now that she's not sucking the life out of you. I've had a tough couple of years, but I went back to school to re-train for another career I can manage (hopefully) and not scrape by.
> 
> I know it's hard to face life now, after this shock, being chronically ill, but you can do it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it won't suck, but you will be ok in the end if you take action. You can't just sit there and wish things were better, you need to figure out your next move and make a plan so you can set things in motion to stand back up again.


I'm sorry that you've had it so tough. I certainly know where you are coming from being the one on the receiving end. I just don't know how people that supposed to have loved you and been in a relationship for such a long time, can act in such callous ways, especially when there were now arguments or indications. They find some shiney new toy to play with and just go, not with one thought of how it will affect your life and taking everything they can with them. I really hope that Karma exists.

Figuring out my next move is the tough bit. Options are closing and are complicated. The money I have lost from my pension paying the lawyer could have been the house rental for over 13 months. Renting around here is expensive and if I was to move elsewhere now, I would need to figure out how to support myself in the new area. I had a discussion with the housing people yesterday as far as local housing goes, and it seems impossible. Apparently it can take years to get somewhere to live as I am not a priority. Furthermore, it is likely that my condition wouldn't be taken into consideration (ever though they say it may), due to the fact that anything other than a one-bedroom place is classed as housing for families.

So back to the drawing board as far as housing is concerned. The only option that I have if I want to move area, is to rent privately as I have no connections in other areas.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> I'm sorry that you've had it so tough. I certainly know where you are coming from being the one on the receiving end. I just don't know how people that supposed to have loved you and been in a relationship for such a long time, can act in such callous ways, especially when there were now arguments or indications. They find some shiney new toy to play with and just go, not with one thought of how it will affect your life and taking everything they can with them. I really hope that Karma exists.
> 
> Figuring out my next move is the tough bit. Options are closing and are complicated. The money I have lost from my pension paying the lawyer could have been the house rental for over 13 months. Renting around here is expensive and if I was to move elsewhere now, I would need to figure out how to support myself in the new area. I had a discussion with the housing people yesterday as far as local housing goes, and it seems impossible. Apparently it can take years to get somewhere to live as I am not a priority. Furthermore, it is likely that my condition wouldn't be taken into consideration (ever though they say it may), due to the fact that anything other than a one-bedroom place is classed as housing for families.
> 
> So back to the drawing board as far as housing is concerned. The only option that I have if I want to move area, is to rent privately as I have no connections in other areas.


Thanks, Smileman. I just shared to show you that you're not alone and I appreciate how difficult it is to pick yourself back up and go on. I don't remember, but did you mention having family willing to help you get back on your feet? Now, I have to caution you here, if you accept family help you are limited by their goodwill, and time, so no dawdling. 

You might have to move out of the city to find affordable housing while you get yourself together. You might even have to rent a room or a studio for a bit or look for a flat with a roommate for the time being to be able to stretch your money. I moved to the country to afford a safe, decent place within my budget while I recoup. 

It won't be so hard and hopeless forever. I know it looks bleak right now, but time to assess what you DO have. No point now crying over what's gone. Sort through what you need, start looking for something manageable within your budget. It won't always be like this, it will get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> You lawyer obviously sucked at their job -- and I hope you let them know that.
> Sorry, but at least now you can focus on YOU


British courts are... "interesting" to say the least.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> British courts are... "interesting" to say the least.


.Interesting -- how about completely unjust and blind! She ROBS him of his money and says she spent it, and they say "Oh well" Complete BS.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Smilieman , just checking up on you -- how are you doing?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Smilieman , just checking in again -- how are you doing?


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> @Smilieman , just checking in again -- how are you doing?


Hi mate! Yeah, I'm OK thank you for asking. A lot has changed. I'll put an update up tomorrow. I appreciate you following up.

Hope you had a great Xmas! 

Sent from my SM-J500FN using Tapatalk


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

@jlg07 As promised, an update:

So it wouldn't surprise me if I had some form of breakdown, I don't know. All I do know if that I wasn't coping well and the people that said they could help me (doctors, mental health people, well-being people, etc) actually made my situation worse. I didn't even request the intrusion of the mental health team as all I requested was counselling, but somehow I got dragged through the bush backwards and ended up being treated like absolute Sh!te by the respective teams. I have never been driven to "that" point in my life where I was ready to give up. i was also told that in order to be housed I had to have an eviction notice and so, I would have to destroy what I had left that was good in my life (credit rating and no CCJ's) just to be stuck into either a hostel or a one bedroom flat. Furthermore, I would have to get rid of everything that I owned as it wouldn't fit inside such a small property. I would literally be left with nothing.

In my despair, I decided that my only option would be to withdraw one of my pensions to enable me to do two things; 1) Pay the legal fees that were going sky-high, partly because of my lawyer charging thousands each month for doing nothing and partly because my stbxw was making things complicated and trying to make out she had nothing left of her salary each month, even though she no longer had to pay rent or mortgage and 2) Give me the money that I needed to pay for a years rent up front on a property to rent privately - so that's what I did.

My lawyer had applied for a Financial Resolution Application without me really knowing about it. I thought the work she was doing was towards the court case for maintenance. Now, she was actually doing something else. This entire procedure could cost me up to 30k <<--- I don;t have an income or any money! This process is for the court to decide on your finances after mediation has failed, but mediation was never presented as an option.

My lawyer said that I couldn't delay the first court hearing and that if I was going to try to delay it that I would need to get a doctors letter saying that I was suffering anxiety and neurological issues. She then went on to paint me like I was nutty and losing it, because I couldn't understand her communications. She refused to communicate on the phone and insisted email only - which took ages and her emails were so confusing.

I sacked my lawyer as she kept doing unapproved work and overcharging me. I found another one who is much better,much more experienced, compassionate and actually knows what the hell she is doing! Whatsmore, I understand everything she says and does perfectly! So it wasn't me after all.

No sooner had I done that my stbxw started to run me down and wanting half of what I had withdrawn. The only two things she has been doing through all of the court process is painting me out to be some loser who can't be bother to work and is playing at having a neurological condition, and trying to get thousands from me, even though I haven't got that kind of money, haven't got an income and she has a salary of around 54k.

As part of the financial disclosure, she asked some questions such as wanting me to prove that I had a neurological condition and that I couldn't work because of it - bearing in mind it was her that used to take me to the hospital when I had violent vertigo attacks and watch me crawl around the floor at home because I couldn't stand. It was her that used to calm me down during the night when I had a vertigo attack that woke both of us and it was her that came to every specialist appointment with me - now I have to prove things to you? Seriously? What kind of evil is this? She also wanted me to prove that I had been looking for a cheaper house to rent and kept insinuating that I was lying about various other things. Basically, absolutely everything she mentioned was to smear my character - whatever had I done to deserve this ... and still she doesn't stop wanting me to pay her 17k <<-- I don't have an income!

So I answered her questions, including a list of over 260 properties that I had researched, enquired about and 13 that I had viewed around the country. Together with the other questions this totalled about 8-9 pages of information.

Then I had a call from my new lawyer. She had received a response from my wife and her lawyer in response to the 20 questions we had asked - seeing as my wife had fraudulently defaced and altered evidentiary information such as bank statements and failed to include any financial information about her new partner, which needs to be divulged if you are in a relationship and sharing costs - otherwise it's unfair. She has returned over 295 pages of document in response to these 20 questions. My lawyer says that she has never known anything like it and that it's vast. I said to her that it seems a bit excessive and a direct attempt to increase my legal costs.

Anyway, I finally moved. I found a house far away from my stbxw and her partner, any neighbours or people that knew us and any memories that were absolutely doing my head in. I got to a stage where I didn't want to go out because I didn't want to bump in to her, her work colleagues who I used to talk to or her new boyfriend. It's nice to be able to go out the front door now and not worry about that, although I am still tormented by the worry of money. I have only been here almost 4 weeks and have had almost everything I own destroyed by the removal company. I have also had a lot of issues with the house and the agent is ignoring everything - yet another battle begins...

I thought that the stbxw had moved in with one of her high-value ex-clients. Living in the country in a nice big house, bearing in mind that she had put on her expenses that she had to contribute towards a gardener at 200 hundred a month, an ironing service, house-keeper and window cleaner. In actual fact I found out that she was living in a tiny 2 bedroom retirement bungalow that had been purchased just 2 months before she left me, on a crappy little town estate - I went to look and it was nasty and had the tiniest garden - so why the gardener? It's the most depressing unspacious property I've seen and worlds apart from the places we've lived in in the 20 years we have been together. Her partner's name was on the deeds and there wasn't a lender attached (so it had been paid for outright), her name was nowhere in sight, but I do wonder what other legal document is loitering in the background that proves that she owns half but is keeping it under wraps so that I can't claim on her part. I reckon that's where my money has gone, plus more. I also reckon he recently got divorced and therefore that's where the money came from to buy the house also. I reckon she was devastated that I raised concerns about drawing out my pensions - that's when she left.

I also found out that this is the guy that she left me for 10 years back. I found out who he is and had other people look at him on social media and prove they are a couple. Apparently he's "not a looker". So there's me thinking that she's done better for herself and living it up and it's totally the opposite.

Since then I have been doing loads of research on covert narcissistic behaviour. I would never have thought she was a narcissist, but her behaviour since she has left proves that she is following the narc playbook. Months on now and I can also see how I have been manipulated over the years, especially since I've been ill.

So, it goes on. I'm being truthful and not provoking anything - basically letting my lawyer handle things and she's doing a grand job. Meanwhile all communication from my wife and her lawyer is nasty, toxic and I believe will become self-incriminating as the responses and character smearing just won't stop. bearing in mind I'm not saying anything or communicating in a way that would make somebody attack in such a manner. All I see is pure evil and it is really scary, especially as I thought the world of her for so long and would never hurt her.

I can't see her in the same way anymore, in my mind she is pure evil. It's been such a challenge and continues to be, but I'm having counselling now to help start the healing process.

Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it. I hadn't updated as I couldn't face any more abuse to what I was getting from the mental health services and the stbxw.

Take care,


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> @jlg07 As promised, an update:
> 
> So it wouldn't surprise me if I had some form of breakdown, I don't know. All I do know if that I wasn't coping well and the people that said they could help me (doctors, mental health people, well-being people, etc) actually made my situation worse. I didn't even request the intrusion of the mental health team as all I requested was counselling, but somehow I got dragged through the bush backwards and ended up being treated like absolute Sh!te by the respective teams. I have never been driven to "that" point in my life where I was ready to give up. i was also told that in order to be housed I had to have an eviction notice and so, I would have to destroy what I had left that was good in my life (credit rating and no CCJ's) just to be stuck into either a hostel or a one bedroom flat. Furthermore, I would have to get rid of everything that I owned as it wouldn't fit inside such a small property. I would literally be left with nothing.
> 
> ...


I am SO GLAD to hear you fired that lawyer -- she was NOT working for YOU -- she was working for herself. Great that you found a new one that is actively working to protect YOU!



> No sooner had I done that my stbxw started to run me down and wanting half of what I had withdrawn. The only two things she has been doing through all of the court process is painting me out to be some loser who can't be bother to work and is playing at having a neurological condition, and trying to get thousands from me, even though I haven't got that kind of money, haven't got an income and she has a salary of around 54k.
> 
> As part of the financial disclosure, she asked some questions such as wanting me to prove that I had a neurological condition and that I couldn't work because of it - bearing in mind it was her that used to take me to the hospital when I had violent vertigo attacks and watch me crawl around the floor at home because I couldn't stand. It was her that used to calm me down during the night when I had a vertigo attack that woke both of us and it was her that came to every specialist appointment with me - now I have to prove things to you? Seriously? What kind of evil is this?


You answered your own question -- that is just plain EVIL to do to someone.



> She also wanted me to prove that I had been looking for a cheaper house to rent and kept insinuating that I was lying about various other things. Basically, absolutely everything she mentioned was to smear my character - whatever had I done to deserve this ... and still she doesn't stop wanting me to pay her 17k <<-- I don't have an income!
> 
> So I answered her questions, including a list of over 260 properties that I had researched, enquired about and 13 that I had viewed around the country. Together with the other questions this totalled about 8-9 pages of information.
> 
> Then I had a call from my new lawyer. She had received a response from my wife and her lawyer in response to the 20 questions we had asked - seeing as my wife had fraudulently defaced and altered evidentiary information such as bank statements and failed to include any financial information about her new partner, which needs to be divulged if you are in a relationship and sharing costs - otherwise it's unfair. She has returned over 295 pages of document in response to these 20 questions. My lawyer says that she has never known anything like it and that it's vast. I said to her that it seems a bit excessive and a direct attempt to increase my legal costs.


Yup, she is trying to make it SO costly for you that you just have to give up. Keep fighting her if you can. You should also try to return the favor to HER when you can. You are in a war, she is your enemy FOR SURE. Can the fact that they did this be brought up to the judge to show their underhandedness? ESPECIALLY if any of those documents are NOT related to what was asked.



> Anyway, I finally moved. I found a house far away from my stbxw and her partner, any neighbours or people that knew us and any memories that were absolutely doing my head in. I got to a stage where I didn't want to go out because I didn't want to bump in to her, her work colleagues who I used to talk to or her new boyfriend. It's nice to be able to go out the front door now and not worry about that, although I am still tormented by the worry of money. I have only been here almost 4 weeks and have had almost everything I own destroyed by the removal company. I have also had a lot of issues with the house and the agent is ignoring everything - yet another battle begins...


Can't you sue the moving company for damages? They are insured (or should be), so that should be a no-brainer.
Great that you did move though -- out of sight, out of mind!



> I thought that the stbxw had moved in with one of her high-value ex-clients. Living in the country in a nice big house, bearing in mind that she had put on her expenses that she had to contribute towards a gardener at 200 hundred a month, an ironing service, house-keeper and window cleaner. In actual fact I found out that she was living in a tiny 2 bedroom retirement bungalow that had been purchased just 2 months before she left me, on a crappy little town estate - I went to look and it was nasty and had the tiniest garden - so why the gardener? It's the most depressing unspacious property I've seen and worlds apart from the places we've lived in in the 20 years we have been together. Her partner's name was on the deeds and there wasn't a lender attached (so it had been paid for outright), her name was nowhere in sight, but I do wonder what other legal document is loitering in the background that proves that she owns half but is keeping it under wraps so that I can't claim on her part. I reckon that's where my money has gone, plus more. I also reckon he recently got divorced and therefore that's where the money came from to buy the house also. I reckon she was devastated that I raised concerns about drawing out my pensions - that's when she left.


Can you have your lawyer use a forensic accountant to track those funds? Also they can go through HER documentation and find out about those bogus expenditures. Maybe a PI to prove if she is actually living there or not....



> I also found out that this is the guy that she left me for 10 years back. I found out who he is and had other people look at him on social media and prove they are a couple. Apparently he's "not a looker". So there's me thinking that she's done better for herself and living it up and it's totally the opposite.
> 
> Since then I have been doing loads of research on covert narcissistic behaviour. I would never have thought she was a narcissist, but her behaviour since she has left proves that she is following the narc playbook. Months on now and I can also see how I have been manipulated over the years, especially since I've been ill.


She's a evil ***** -- just forget about her. She will eventually face her own karma. You are MUCH better off without her or even thinking about her.



> So, it goes on. I'm being truthful and not provoking anything - basically letting my lawyer handle things and she's doing a grand job. Meanwhile all communication from my wife and her lawyer is nasty, toxic and I believe will become self-incriminating as the responses and character smearing just won't stop. bearing in mind I'm not saying anything or communicating in a way that would make somebody attack in such a manner. All I see is pure evil and it is really scary, especially as I thought the world of her for so long and would never hurt her.


Find out from your lawyer if those nasty communications from wife/lawyer can be used in court against them. You shouldn't have to pay/put up with that.



> I can't see her in the same way anymore, in my mind she is pure evil. It's been such a challenge and continues to be, but I'm having counselling now to help start the healing process.
> 
> Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it. I hadn't updated as I couldn't face any more abuse to what I was getting from the mental health services and the stbxw.
> 
> Take care,


I think you are finally seeing her the REAL way that she is -- evil and vindictive. 
I wish the absolute best for you in 2022 -- put that POS in your rear view mirror.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It would be nice if you get a judge that is actually fair and sees this crap your wife is pulling for what it is. 295 pages?????
Yeah, doesn’t take a mental giant to see what she’s doing. +1 for firing that scum sucker you had.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smilieman Eventually you'll have to ask your new lawyer if she considers you have a case for professional negligence against your former lawyer.

Also claims for an expensive garden service when there is no garden? That's fraud, I think?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Smilieman said:


> @jlg07 As promised, an update:
> 
> So it wouldn't surprise me if I had some form of breakdown, I don't know. All I do know if that I wasn't coping well and the people that said they could help me (doctors, mental health people, well-being people, etc) actually made my situation worse. I didn't even request the intrusion of the mental health team as all I requested was counselling, but somehow I got dragged through the bush backwards and ended up being treated like absolute Sh!te by the respective teams. I have never been driven to "that" point in my life where I was ready to give up. i was also told that in order to be housed I had to have an eviction notice and so, I would have to destroy what I had left that was good in my life (credit rating and no CCJ's) just to be stuck into either a hostel or a one bedroom flat. Furthermore, I would have to get rid of everything that I owned as it wouldn't fit inside such a small property. I would literally be left with nothing.
> 
> ...


Any good removal company will have insurance. Please claim for all the damage they did.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

Smilieman said:


> And that's what I don't want to experience. I will always be wondering when the next time would be and I would never be able to trust her again, so what would be the point? Her father was a cheater, had a second family in a different town and away from his usual family. He abandoned my wife when she was little and moved away, so perhaps she thinks that as normal. Who knows.


Instead of complaining and sad, it is better to start planning your own life, and what to do next, start life again.

If you make your life worse and worse, the people around you will stay away from you, and if you make your life better and better, the people around you will come closer to you. This is my life experience.

The body is amazing. If you have a strong will, keep exercising, and have your own goals, you will start a different life.

First of all you have to live your life well!


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

It will take a while to recover from a breakdown. You have been and are going through a traumatic experience. I'm glad you finally have a place to live. I may have to ask you for your landlords number, because looking for a place myself lol. It's good you are a good distance away from the witch. She has one agenda and that is to destroy you. Hopefully this new lawyer of yours can get things improving for you, and can see through her lies and ****. A gardener? For a wee patch is taking the piss and her way of getting out of giving you money. Plus all the other stuff she has listed. Hope the courts can see the truth. I'm keeping everything crossed things start improving for you. Also claim the insurance for damage with removals if they have insurance, which they should have. Take photos of everything that was damaged. I'm glad you sacked the first solicitor. Can you get any of your money back from her? For her adding charges for things she didn't do, and ripping you off. You should also put in a complaint about her and list everything including the charges she kept adding for things without your permission. Sending you (((hugs))) for good luck to come your way.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I am SO GLAD to hear you fired that lawyer -- she was NOT working for YOU -- she was working for herself. Great that you found a new one that is actively working to protect YOU!


I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. She was doing unapproved work and charging loads for doing practically nothing. It's such a shame I didn't find my current lawyer first.



jlg07 said:


> Can the fact that they did this be brought up to the judge to show their underhandedness?


Not sure. I have other stuff I've just gone through that I need to speak to my lawyer about. She's conscious about not spending my money and refuses to do work that will rack up costs and not provide any value - so she has ethics! I'll mention it to her as it may be that it would be better built up as the case for the barrister to handle, along with the other things.



jlg07 said:


> Can't you sue the moving company for damages?


I managed to get about half back. I'll have to put up with the rest. I really can't believe my luck last year!



jlg07 said:


> Can you have your lawyer use a forensic accountant to track those funds?


I don't think it would be worth the expense. I have looked at her bank statements for the period of time involved that I got over christmas, it's the same pattern. Transfer a large amount of money to savings and then she drains it down in bits over the next few days. Makes it look like it's just general expenditure. She's also saying that it has been spent on stuff that we bought 3-5 years prior to me receiving the money. Doesn't make sense. All being noted.



jlg07 said:


> Maybe a PI to prove if she is actually living there or not....


Well, I wrote her a letter and sent it there - I know, I should have left well alone. It was a 39 page handwritten goodbye closure letter. Nothing about the finances or divorce, just my point of view as I hadn't been able to say my bit. Interestingly, she hasn't obsfucated all the new bank statements I have now received and they show her full address. So she is living there. Now she knows that I know where she lives and who she's with - and have left her alone - she's not hiding it anymore. I bet that peed her off, me knowing where she was.



jlg07 said:


> just forget about her. She will eventually face her own karma. You are MUCH better off without her or even thinking about her.


Yes - Yes & Yes. Forgetting is the hard bit. I never thought that my romantic/love feelings for her would go though - they have. I believe Karma will sort things out eventually. I probably won't be around to see it, but it wouldn't surprise me if it pays a visit sooner rather than later.

Her story is changing now she is being asked to prove things. She originally stated she was paying a large amount of money into her pension and that's one of the reasons she had no spare salary for maintenance. On being asked for a statement of pension contributions, she now states that she hasn't been paying into her pension. Total 180. Lies just can't be sustained.



jlg07 said:


> I wish the absolute best for you in 2022 -- put that POS in your rear view mirror.


Thank you, you also and thank you for your support & I will! I was in a right mess before and didn't know what to think. My neurological condition has been a pain, but I;ve even had that re-diagnosed and found my original diagnosis was wrong! Typical.

Have a great New Year!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It would be nice if you get a judge that is actually fair and sees this crap your wife is pulling for what it is.


I can't see why they wouldn't. All the other people I talk to can, including my lawyer! It is so obvious.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Smilieman Eventually you'll have to ask your new lawyer if she considers you have a case for professional negligence against your former lawyer.
> 
> Also claims for an expensive garden service when there is no garden? That's fraud, I think?


Yes I need to speak with her about filing a complaint. There is a garden, but it's tiny and doesn't warrant the expense, neither does the cost of a cleaner to clean a tiny 2 bed retirement bungalow, lounge/diner & a bathroom. Not necessarily fraud - certainly dishonesty


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Elise2022 said:


> Instead of complaining and sad, it is better to start planning your own life, and what to do next, start life again.
> 
> If you make your life worse and worse, the people around you will stay away from you, and if you make your life better and better, the people around you will come closer to you. This is my life experience.
> 
> ...


I am doing exactly this! It was hard at first, impossible, but moving away to a different part of the country has helped me no end. I am building a network and funny enough people seem to like me for who I am.

Next on the agenda is eating healthy on a tiny budget, exercising regularly like I used to before she left and trying to work out what I can do to earn an income - that's the most challenging, but I've got a couple of things in the pipeline to consider.

It is scary thinking about starting a different life at my age, but there is little choice.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> It will take a while to recover from a breakdown. You have been and are going through a traumatic experience. I'm glad you finally have a place to live. I may have to ask you for your landlords number, because looking for a place myself lol. It's good you are a good distance away from the witch. She has one agenda and that is to destroy you. Hopefully this new lawyer of yours can get things improving for you, and can see through her lies and ****. A gardener? For a wee patch is taking the piss and her way of getting out of giving you money. Plus all the other stuff she has listed. Hope the courts can see the truth. I'm keeping everything crossed things start improving for you. Also claim the insurance for damage with removals if they have insurance, which they should have. Take photos of everything that was damaged. I'm glad you sacked the first solicitor. Can you get any of your money back from her? For her adding charges for things she didn't do, and ripping you off. You should also put in a complaint about her and list everything including the charges she kept adding for things without your permission. Sending you (((hugs))) for good luck to come your way.


Thank you. I think I must have had some for of breakdown or something, it was the most awful time of my life that's for sure. Addressing the old lawyer is something to do next. I will need to speak with the Legal Ombudsman again to see what they recommend, I shall also speak with my current lawyer for advice before I do. Thank you for your kind words.  🙏


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smilieman said:


> I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. She was doing unapproved work and charging loads for doing practically nothing. It's such a shame I didn't find my current lawyer first.
> 
> 
> Not sure. I have other stuff I've just gone through that I need to speak to my lawyer about. She's conscious about not spending my money and refuses to do work that will rack up costs and not provide any value - so she has ethics! I'll mention it to her as it may be that it would be better built up as the case for the barrister to handle, along with the other things.
> ...


This is all good -- I'm glad you've come out of the fog a bit and now have better clarity around your STBXW.
If those lies of her are DOCUMENTED, I think she has put her ass into a sling and that your lawyer can bring that up to a judge (lying to protect assets).

As for your neurological condition -- first it's GREAT news that they have the CORRECT diagnosis. More importantly, do they have a treatment plan that has been helping you??


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> More importantly, do they have a treatment plan that has been helping you??


Not sure yet, knowing GPs and medical people - they probably haven't got a clue. I've only just registered with a new GP/MD and will be making an appointment to attempt to discuss solutions.

On a positive note, I have found a place in Australia that potentially has a solution for this condition in the form of a "course" - it's all based around neuro-plasticity and building new neurological networks. The course is expensive but they have also just released a book. I wanted to know where the book had a solution in it or whether it was just marketing the higher ticket course, so I emailed them. They responded saying to do the online free course, get the book if that helps and then if I wanted to do the course then the have concessions for people on lower income. So, that could be a goer either way. I feel quite excited about that!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

After around 7.5 months and no contact (except when she came to collect just her clothes) I have received a text message from my stbxw - hoovering perhaps? Out of nowhere & out of the blue. Put me on the back foot a bit.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Smilieman said:


> After around 7.5 months and no contact (except when she came to collect just her clothes) I have received a text message from my stbxw - hoovering perhaps? Out of nowhere & out of the blue. Put me on the back foot a bit.


What was it about? trying to score you as plan B, or manipulate you to get a favourable divorce?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Smilie,
I just got caught up on your thread and am so happy to see some positive things happening for you! When you get through with the endless legal things, definitely follow up that lead in Australia, it would be amazing if they could help your condition. 

Good for you moving to a new area and making connections! I had to do the same thing to be able to afford to live and go back to school. It's not quick or easy to rebuild your life, but you will, and one day you will be so much happier you did. Keep on keeping on!


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> What was it about? trying to score you as plan B, or manipulate you to get a favourable divorce?


Well I wrote a closure letter before I left in November - it didn't need a response. I sent it to her new address she was trying to hide and it was just emotional stuff, reflection on our relationship and what I had seen in her and then said goodbye.

She text'ed to say that she agreed that lawyers are in it to make money and asked if we could "please" settle things through the solicitors rather than through the courts. I think this is because she cannot back up the lies she has told, didn't expect me to go this far and she is not producing the information required by the courts or the documentary evidence requested by my lawyer. So I think she doesn't want to go to court as it'll blow her story out of the water - who knows.

What I do know is this: Since she left and "discarded" me in the most horrific way, she had taken everything that I had - money, self-esteem, self-confidence .. a life. She has been derogatory towards me and launched a smear campaign against me. Everything is my fault, I now need to prove I'm ill and that I am unable to work in my current condition. Now, she sends a "nice" text message, hoping that I have settled in to my new home and has even put "xx" at the end!

She has also dropped herself in it and basically admitted the existence of my neurological condition, even though she has tried to deny it's existence all this time  

Put me on the back foot for a day or two, but I am more educated and in a much stronger emotional position - so I didn't respond and sent it to my lawyer, as the stbxw should have really shared that information through her lawyer 

She told me that she though for a long time whether to reply to what I had written to her, but she thought that she wouldn't bother because I wouldn't believe her anyway. In other words she wanted to make out that she was going to reply, but couldn't be arsed (bothered). That would be too much effort. I learned that narcissists tend to use text as if they don't get a response then it's the least source of narcissistic injury, so it's less risk.

We'll see what happens next.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Smilie,
> I just got caught up on your thread and am so happy to see some positive things happening for you! When you get through with the endless legal things, definitely follow up that lead in Australia, it would be amazing if they could help your condition.
> 
> Good for you moving to a new area and making connections! I had to do the same thing to be able to afford to live and go back to school. It's not quick or easy to rebuild your life, but you will, and one day you will be so much happier you did. Keep on keeping on!


Thank you for your support. No it isn't easy is it? How do we find the strength to do such things when we're in such turmoil? We are all stronger than we believe we are. I still have loads of issues and worries (especially money), but I'm sure things will somehow work out.

I shall follow up the Australia thing sometime this week (or over the weekend). I want to et started on that and the first part is a free course and reading a book - minimal outgoings!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This neurological condition that prevents you from working snd can be fixed with an online course- does this condition have a name?
Just curious.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Smilieman said:


> Well I wrote a closure letter before I left in November - it didn't need a response. I sent it to her new address she was trying to hide and it was just emotional stuff, reflection on our relationship and what I had seen in her and then said goodbye.
> 
> She text'ed to say that she agreed that lawyers are in it to make money and asked if we could "please" settle things through the solicitors rather than through the courts. I think this is because she cannot back up the lies she has told, didn't expect me to go this far and she is not producing the information required by the courts or the documentary evidence requested by my lawyer. So I think she doesn't want to go to court as it'll blow her story out of the water - who knows.
> 
> ...


Good! Collect any texts and forward them, don't say another word to her. You already lost a lot of money in legal fees fighting her, might as well see it to the end now unless she wants to pay you back and give you back everything she stole.



Smilieman said:


> Thank you for your support. No it isn't easy is it? How do we find the strength to do such things when we're in such turmoil? We are all stronger than we believe we are. I still have loads of issues and worries (especially money), but I'm sure things will somehow work out.
> 
> I shall follow up the Australia thing sometime this week (or over the weekend). I want to et started on that and the first part is a free course and reading a book - minimal outgoings!


Of course! It isn't easy at all, but you do what has to be done, there's no other choice. 

I know I've said some harsh things to you, but it was meant to jog you to act. I have great empathy and understanding simply because I've also lived with similar circumstances. I was a complete wreck, downtrodden, barely had any self-confidence anymore. The first year 6 months after DD were the hardest in my life, but it kept getting better. 

Like you, I was a complete wreck. I also moved to another town, left everyone I knew behind, and started over. Despite the hardship (including money woes), life has been good. Along the way, I realized I was happy and at peace, even fell in love again. I'm nearly done with my master's, my next goal is to find a job and get my finances back on track.

Knock out your to-do list one thing at a time, eventually, things will fall into place. Every success will strengthen you and rebuild your confidence. You'll be ok, Smilie.


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> This neurological condition that prevents you from working snd can be fixed with an online course- does this condition have a name?
> Just curious.


Yes it does, a few actually! "Chronic Subjective Dizziness" later to be known as "PPPD" or "3PD"....


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## Smilieman (Jun 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> You already lost a lot of money in legal fees fighting her, might as well see it to the end now


This is what I have been thinking. The majority of the pension that I had previously drawn out has now gone mainly on legal fees (I still have the old lawyer chasing me for the last invoice payment), leaving me on the point of struggling again and yet she is still after 50% of that! I don't trust her.



TXTrini said:


> unless she wants to pay you back and give you back everything she stole


Yeah right, like that will ever happen. All been ploughed in to the house {they have} he has just brought 2 months prior to her leaving me, more than likely.



TXTrini said:


> Of course! It isn't easy at all, but you do what has to be done, there's no other choice.


You are absolutely right here and I don't know how I accomplished what I did actually, it all seems a blur.



TXTrini said:


> I know I've said some harsh things to you, but it was meant to jog you to act......


Yeah, I know. Everybody has been helping, I see that. The only thing is that I cannot ever get across is this neurological thing. It stops me from doing a lot. Even this morning is the worst it has been since I moved, it's difficult to move around the house today.

You've done well though and I need to consider how I can pull in an income, this is my goal for the next few months as I need to get self-sufficient again, but I need it on my own terms. The past couple of days has once again indicated how bad this issue can get and how much it stops me from doing stuff when it's like this.

I have a little goal list, I just need to now sit and concentrate on things.

Good luck with the job hunting!


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## Djani1979 (Jan 2, 2022)

Wow man,I just read your story,what the f...?? Why arent you in the police station for her fraud? Why are jou still protecting her??? She is still trying to destroy you completly,and you are still passive! Tomorow you go to police,bring all the evidence and burn that *****!!! You are writing letters to her? Realy? Like she gives a fu.k about your letters? Man,stop rolling over and take action! Now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hey @Smilieman, just checking in to see how you are making out? How is the 3PD? Getting any better on that front?


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