# When is enough



## MrBlueEyes (Mar 3, 2015)

I have been married for 26 years and want to know when is enough. I have been unhappy for as long as I can remember, and know what I need to do, but just can't seem to do it. 

For many years I stayed because of the kids (twin boys). When I would walk in the house after work they would run up and give me a hug. It didn't matter how crappy the day was, that made everything right in the world. So, I needed that as much as the kids needed me there.

At some point my wife changed, but not in a good way. She left her job and went back to school, for not one Master's degree, but two. She became involved in the church, and everything became about religion, but she didn't practice what she preached. I was supportive in the things she wanted to do because I wanted her to be happy. Instead, she became someone that finds fault in everyone, and now has no friends. She stopped cleaning, cooking, and taking care of herself. I talked her into getting therapy, but that didn't seem to work. 

She became more controlling about everything and it has gotten to the point that my opinion means nothing. Unfortunately, I allowed it to continue, to the point where we are no longer equals. She always knows what's best and I basically an idiot. 

In the beginning our sex life was excellent, but that changed about the time she got into religion. It got to the point that she was doing me a favor having sex with me. As much as I wanted sex, I got to the point that I need any favors, so we stopped having sex. In April, it will be six years. 

As if that wasn't bad enough, she gained enough weight that she started snoring. In the beginning I would nudge her and it would stop, but as it got worse, I became more and more frustrated and would grab my pillow and head down to the couch. That went on for months, and the lack of sleep was killing me. So, I decided not to go to bed at night, and just sleep in the couch. In January, it was five years since I have slept in my bedroom. I have asked her numerous times to do something about it, and she refuses. I finally told her that I was sick and tired of sleeping on the couch, and was told to go find another bed then. 

I have never cheated on her, but I can't say that I haven't thought of it out of shear need for physical contact. About three years ago I began playing in a popular local band on weekends, and have had women give me their numbers, and a few ask me to go home with them, even after I tell them I am married. So as much as I would like to, it can't happen. 

I feel a huge sense of despair that I am unhappy, and an even bigger sense of guilt because I want to be happy, and know that there is no way that can happen with her. For too long I have know what I wanted and needed to do. After already having a heart attack a a few years ago, and now battling some bad stress related blood pressure issues, how and when do I tell her that I want a divorce? 

I am sure that others have dealt with situations like this, so how do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A quick question for you. If you told your wife you want a divorce and she suddenly saw the light and wanted to fix your marriage, would do even consider it?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You guys are living like roomates, you don't have sex or sleep together and she doesn't seem to want to improve the situation. Maybe she will be fine with the divorce. I would talk to her about it, if she says fine and agrees then go for it, if she starts getting upset and says she doesn't want a divorce then she has to agree to improve the situation, get help for her snoring, start sleeping together, being intimate. Even if she does start trying it may be too late if you don't have feelings for her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your story has similarities to mine. Ultimately, it was better for me to leave, and by the time I decided to do so, there was NO chance to repair things and I wouldn't have tried. What kept me there so long was fear of the unknown, and wanting to be there during my son's key years.

In retrospect, I only regret not leaving sooner. It would have been better for my son, too (it was only a year ago that I learned how that dysfunctional marriage tainted his views of relationships, but he was smart enough to get help to fix that).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I take it, that in 26 years of marriage, your sons are now grown and out of the house. That being said, it only leaves you and her in the active marital picture!

With no sexual relations, and no apparent infidelity on either of your parts, you two seem to be nothing more than roommates. I'm greatly surprised that the two of you still occupy the same marital bed!

Has there been no MC or IC on either of your parts? Apparently not! I am of the marked opinion that if this laundry list is to be aired out with her, then it must be done ASAP, and without reservation. If she is not receptive to it, in any way, then you would be more than justified in bringing this charade of a marriage to a fast close! You will also need to tell your sons and other family members of your ultimate decision!

No married man of a sound mind should ever have to be subjected to what you've heartbreakingly lived through. If you cannot get reassurances from her for serious reconcilliation, then you have no other viable choice available to you! There is some loving lady out there who will genuinely love you for who you are.

Pray about it and act accordingly!*


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