# relationship or business arrangement



## confusedmomma (Mar 4, 2012)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 4 years. Our relationship has been non-traditional since the beginning. I met him when I moved in with him when I moved to a new city without a job and my set "rent" at the time was pretty low. He bought a house shortly thereafter (3 months) and he said I could continue paying what I was paying in rent where we were before so I decided to move with him to his house. It was always kind of difficult living in "his" house under his rules; often being yelled at for leaving a light on, my dogs ruining his things, making his carpet smell etc. So, after a few years and additional roommates so he had more rental income (basically he was paying $150 a month half the time we lived there with another roommate and myself), I decided to purchase my own house...a short sale. It took 3 months to close, and the month we closed, I found out I was pregnant. He moved in with me to my house and I made sure his house was rented out (at $250 over the cost of his mortgage/taxes/insurance). 

Fast-forward to today. We have a 1 year old, we live in my house and I pay 2/3 the mortgage and we split utilities and all expenses related to our son 50/50. He made 25% more than I did last year. He insists that since I paid him what I paid living in his house, that that is what he should pay for "rent" at my house. I get frustrated b/c he uses far more electricity, has far more "things" taking up a lot of space in this house and now lately he has been on me about finishing our attic so we have more space. I don't have the money to do it so I suggested he pay an additional $100 per month so I could take out a loan to do it. Basically he'd be paying on the loan. But even still, he wouldn't be paying 50% of living expenses. I have far more expenses with my student loans (550 per month). I just bought a new car b/c my old one was starting to have problems and now my car payment is $250 more per month than my old car. Mind you I am in sales and my comp pays me for my car but he insists that's income and I should have used that money for the attic. I think he should be paying more b/c he makes more and our son lives here but he doesn't. He insists we buy a house together and the idea of marriage has come up lately. Given our financial struggles, I don't think any of that should happen until this is addressed. How should we be splitting bills?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

First don't get married. Not until you deal with this.

Did you agree to his 'rent' number before he moved in? 

Did you agree to let him take up more 'space' than you?

Did you agree to 50/50 split of the expenses?

On the attic that's an easy one. Just say no. If he wants it he can find a way to pay for it. 

I think what you truly need is a lesson in boundary setting because this guy obviously is walking all over you but you had to lay down first to allow that to happen. 

I mean this in the most sincere way. I've been where you are and all this type stuff does is build resentment. This isn't HIS problem it's yours. You are the one who needs to grow a backbone to learn to assert yourself even if that means he finds someone else to take advantage of. KWIM?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I agree, don't get married until this is settled. Really, if you all love each other and want to be with each other, splitting everything 50/50 down to the last penny is never going to work. You all have to work together. Your incomes TOGETHER really should go to take care of the home. 

You should definitely assert yourself that he pulls his weight, but who has what space in the house and how much just gets too nit picky and too selfish. 

Everything belongs to both of you all, you're just sharing it.



Mavash. said:


> First don't get married. Not until you deal with this.
> 
> Did you agree to his 'rent' number before he moved in?
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you have a child together This changes everything.

Just tell him that if he wants to live with you he pays rent, utilities, groceries, etc at the proportion of his income of your joint income.

You said that he earns about 25% more than you. Thus he earns about 56% of your combined income. So he needs to pay 56% of all joint bills: mortage, groceries, things for the baby, baby medical, etc.


Since you use your car for your job, the $250 goes to pay for the car. You are wearing out the car for your job. While it's income you also have higher auto expenses because of this. You will need to replace your car sooner then you would have otherwise.

You are not married so everything is not jointly owned. But in a live-in situation as it is now with a child, each of you pays joint bills according to ability to pay, based on the portion of combined income each of you earns.


When/if you get married all of both of your income goes into a joint account. After all bills are paid and some saved... each of you gets some spending money. But only after everything is paid.


I agree with the others. Do not marry him until this is settle. You are teaching him how to treat you. Right now by putting up with this nonsense you are teach him that you will take the majority of all financial obligations in your relationship. It will become worse when you marry.

Also do not buy a home with him until this is settled. Of course you wants to buy a house with you. He has you trained to pay most of the bills now.


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## confusedmomma (Mar 4, 2012)

Thanks for your replies.

I agree that marriage and buying a home are not smart until these issues are resolved. I read a statistic the other day that 90% of marriages fail because of financial reasons. Don't need to be a part of that!

I just want to do what is fair. I'm in a position now where I could accept another position and potentially make quite a bit more than he does. And I would be willing to split according to income, but to the person who said it is just creating resentment: you are right. Because if he can't agree to split according to income now, why would I want to do that when I am in a position of making more money. 

He always has some kind of argument behind why he can't/won't pay more. Lately it has been that he wants to pay down his credit card debt and what's on his credit cards are things for the house like tv's, washer/dryer, etc. And since he purchased these things, his additional rent is in the form of allowing me to use those things. I think that is just absurd b/c I haven't bought those things myself b/c there's no room for them! and why buy 2 of each? I bought a couch b/c he kept *****ing about my dogs getting on his so to alleviate that argument, I bought one and now his couches are sitting in our dining room b/c he refuses to part with them. Also, I have my own debt like student loans that I'd like to pay down. That shouldn't mean that I pay less in bills. I'd love to sit down with a financial counselor if those even exist and discuss what's fair b/c as long as it is coming from me, he won't hear it. Do they have those specifically for relationship financial advice??

He charges everything (dinner, groceries etc) to a credit card and then puts it all into a spreadsheet at the end of the month and bills me for 50%. I think that what I will probably do is just not pay him $125 of it...the amount I would like him to be paying in additional rent, which still doesn't equate to 50% but still better than now. If it upsets him enough and he decides to move out, so be it. I think I'd probably get more from child support than what he is paying now for living expenses. UGH. I hate that it has to come down to that. I feel like that is somewhat childish on my part, and I don't want him to move out, but I do need to grow a backbone and quit giving in to everything he says is right. Thoughts??


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I always just split rent and bills 50/50 regardless of income when living with someone.

Now that I`m married ...why did I stop that 50/50 financial set-up again?

:scratchhead:


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