# PE is killing my marriage



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

As the web is quite anonymous I dont mind admitting that I have a problem with premature ejaculation, and know that I always have done. Now my wife and I have hit a problem with it, in that it is causing her such frustration that we no longer bother with sex and the whole intimacy and physical contact has gone. In our earlier years I was able to get round the issue by changing positions and essentially using the stop start technique, and since it worked without a hitch, it was never even needed to be spoken about. Fast forward to now and its a huge problem, you see my wife is no longer willing to partake in anything other than intercourse until orgasm, no foreplay, no changing position, no toys, oral or anything else, she just wants to go from a relative standing start to the big o without stopping, no given 20 to 30 seconds in I am done, however a quick stop of a few seconds at that point, which can be as little time to pull her t shirt off and Im good for 10+ mins. I have tried a quick self play before starting leaving me good to go but the problem is she is so adamant that such a thing is a passion killer if she knows that is what a move is for she wont even consider it. I cant talk to her about it as she believes its a recent problem and one which is very much my problem it ends in a row. I have been to the doctors about it and was given some mild anti depressants which have the side effect of delaying, but not extensively delayed, I have read up a lot on the web but most help sites are trying to sell some kind of cure for big money which I feel is a con.
I have started "training" myself by stop start method and trying to retune my mind to last longer, but it is tough to find a quiet 5 mins never mind 30 mins alone in the house
I would be more than happy to spend hours pleasuring her especially orally to give her the big o, but it would seem that is not good enough, so has anyone got any ideas on solving my PE so that we can get back to being intimate and sexed up again, as the funny thing is getting good sex back I know would mean the variety to be able to manage it, ironic really. Im not looking for an instant fix but some kind of self help over time that others have found to work would be good. I love my wife immensely and I want to get our sex life and pleasures back.

Thanks
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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My H has this problem, always has. We have been together since I was 18 years old and I was a virgin, he was my first and only so I didn't know how long was "normal." As the years progressed, the PE became a problem for me because I would be all hot and bothered, he would jump on, 2 pumps and finito. I did NOT take this personally at all and I did not get angry with him. It's just the way he is. He did the drugs, the doctors, etc. The thinking about spiders, you know, all that stuff. 

What worked to help him last a hair longer is he started wearing condoms. That was great for me because I wanted to get off the pill after 20 years. My husband is like you, he knows his short comings and more than makes up for them orally on me. He is a genius when it comes to oral. When we didn't have time for hour long sessions, a quickie was okay because I knew the deal. I knew he couldn't help it. To belittle him or demand he perform like a porn star and hold out is not romantic. I can see this being a passion killer if I was expected to perform like a circus animal.

I would give anything to orgasm via intercourse with my H since I never have before, but there are so many other important things. I also wish I had a million dollars, you can't always get what you want. Can you make her cum with your fingers? My husband uses his first two fingers and stretches them out and scrunches them in (kinda like when you call someone over to you with your finger), it is amazing and quite satisfying. Your arm and shoulder will hurt like hell the next day and after awhile, one arm with be more cut and muscle-bound than the other (haha). 

Perhaps you should say to her in the middle of the day, HEY HONEY, GET WET NOW! RIGHT NOW! And she will say ARE YOU CRAZY? I CAN'T JUST GET WET ON CUE LIKE THAT. and you say EXACTLY! You gotta be able to joke about this with her. It shouldn't be taken so seriously. 

PE is not a deal breaker, there are so many things that are, like sense of humor, getting along, loving each other. Has she ever threatened that she is going to find someone who can go longer? Has she ever cheated? Does she have a new girl friend who says her husband can "go all night?" Has she been watching porn? You know, most of those men are on a loop and sure they can go for a long time, but sometimes they do loop the footage. Plus, you are not a porn star, you are a husband and you sound hurt. Would she be okay if you used toys on her? We tried that, even named the toy "Jerry" because it was tie dyed like a Grateful Dead tshirt. 

I guess I am just wondering why did she change her mind about how you have sex well into the relationship? That is why I am asking so many questions.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

I would happily try other methods, but unfortunately she says she does not feel satisfied enough like after sexsex proper. In terms of toys, yes she has one but it onky ever comes out when I am out and she has not been satisfied, as this is what she has told me, which does hurt me a little. As to why our sex lives changed to highlight the problem, well that comes down to the lack of intimacy and the fact that she is not a big person on touch and loving actions, in fact from the point we got wed, Im the one that will make a move to hold hands, kiss etc not her, but then she says why would she feel intimate when there is a poor sex life, my argument is that being intimate and touchy we would have a better sex life and so it turns into a row, except for now it is not spoken about or done any longer.
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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Shinobi, I think that is awful. Holding hands, hugging, etc. is wonderful and doesn't have to be sexual. It is a natural human need. Did you know you your wife would turn into an ice queen later in marriage? Is she backing away from you because he may have another man? I am not trying to get you upset nor put ideas in your head you don't already have. 

My H is not affectionate either, and I am extremely affectionate. So I went and got a frickin dog! He lets me cuddle him all day and loves it. Sad, but true. My dog never rejects me, and that is at the core here, REJECTION. Being rejected by the one you love is very painful and there has to be more to HER story as to why she is behaving this way.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I think your wife has some serious issues with your marriage since she know that you can not last long and she wants it hard and fast and knows you can't give her that,so in my eyes its just an excuse for her to not have sex with you and show the the love and intimacy that comes along with love making.You needs to sit down with your wife and evaluate how you both feel about the relationship.In a good relationship she would continue to work with you and do other sexual things with you to show that you are still close. 


How long does it take you to get hard after you have you first O,can you go longer the second time ?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

dubizzle, yes I have good control and stay hard both after an orgasm or or better still when I withdraw and hold the orgasm, which takes about 10 seconds then I can go straight bavk in and its all good, but so much as pull out at any time and she is immediately turned off. I am not able to stop ejaculation when inside her but can continue on no problem, only problem is the fluid essentially numbbs her so she feels nothing, otherwise we woukd be away!! So withdrawal and the placing on of a condom to prevent fluid is an immediate stopper. I have tried talking through the methods explained by the doctor and despite my protestations that it is good for us in the long term she is not willing to participate and does not believe I have always had this and used to control it by a varied sex session essentially stop start discreetly , nor does she seem willing to go back to that sex life as now she knows the purpose of my interchanging, that is a turn off, so there you have it I need to sort this and on my own!!
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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> I need to sort this and on my own!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shinobi - this stinks.

I see two problems. First, you have the PE issue. I am not a doctor and don't play one, but I think this is a psychological issue. I would visit a "sex" therapist and open up Pandora's box to see what is inside. Probably won't be much fun, but neither is the current situation, so what's to lose?

Second issue - your wife isn't helping you a bit here. I am guessing that the two issues, and this is just a guess, are interrelated. Your wife sounds cold and controlling. Sounds like you don't like it, but don't really stand up for yourself. Your wife wants "rock my world sex" but doesn't satisfy your emotional needs and PE ensues as your means of asserting control.

Did you have sex with anyone before your wife? Did you have this problem? 

Good luck.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

formerniceguy, yes I have had this as long as I can remember,my early escapades with with sex long before I met my wife I do remember many instances of being shall we say swift to the point at times we were still in the fumbling stages at times, so I cant really say it is down to my wife. Following the visit with the doctor I did attend a counselling session, but firstly they suggested it be done together which is nit going to happen, and secondly I dont have the funds for further session, and I have had a preliminary consultation with a hypnotherapist, who suggested she may be able to make a difference over a number of sessions but again at cost and with no guarantees. 
I know Im not the only one to suffer, but hoped someone had genuinely overcome the problem themselves.
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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The problem is he wants to try and work on this but his wife does not and has thrown in the towel and I think in this situation you need both partners.

Like I said before you need to check in with your wife on your relationship because the thing about the sperm making her numb or moving causing her loss of sensation is something is I find questionable and is just her way of starting a sexless marriage. 

I think you should just put in out there and say' one day if you get sick do you think I should give up on you'.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I don't get it. If a simple stopping of 10 seconds and then restarting is enough for you to overcome the problem why is she not willing to do that? She is compounding the issue by not being willing to compromise over something so damn simple. Someone posted they thing the issue might be psycological...I agree and it's her issue not yours. She was OK with your technique until she found out the reason for it. For some reason the knowledge of your PE must make her feel inadequate or something. Can you talk to her and find out why it bothers her so much? If she wants to have a satisfying sex life she is going to have to break down that mental block. 
The way I see it you have done what you can to minimize the problem, it is up to her now to work on whatever is happening in her head.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Dean many thanks for the advice, I will surely give it a go just as soon as I can both get her into attempting sex and me not being fearfull of failing. In response to your query I have not noticed any differences within her or know off any other issues physically that affect sex.

I will also say that thinking about the motion in and out as you speak of has not always been the problem, the reason I say that is because there haave been times I have been inside her and without a great ideal of motion but a slight brush of me against her breasts, or her moaning getting into it, just the sense she is getting into it has been enough, similarly I do recollect times when she has not moved much or made a sound ie. I started but she is not "feeling it" and I have been moving away without approaching the point anything like as quick or at all after a few minutes , but of course stopped as she was clearly not enjoying it. Which suggests very much psychological perhaps the excitement trigger.
The thing with it as well is there is little pleasurable build up for me, it is very much a case of going one second then oooh, done, very swift trigger I suppose, no real ooh, ooh, ooh, go on, go on, thats gooooood, yessssss kind of thing lol.
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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Forget the sex, sit down and talk with her outside the bedroom,because as they say the biggest sexual organ is the brain.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

dubbizle, yes she is noot willing, but I also know that a suggestion of where are we going will be quickly answered with a fair enough lets quit as its not worth discussing and Im not up for quitting yet, although you do talk sense.

Mrs T. 
I get so frustrated going over that point with her, for the sake of 10 seconds it would all be good, but it just gets into her saying, she wants it, not stopping and waiting, and an argument results, but it is so simple to me thinking, and all we woukd haave to do is go back to thevaried, playful sex life we used to have, but we cant as she doesnt lime the fact of the matter of having to stop, but then the way it was meant there wasnt even an obvious stop, so yeah tough going round in a circle.

The only other thing that has changed is we both have put a little weight on, not much but she is bigger breastedd, which she hates to the point sshe gets angry when I I compliment them and her shapely figure, which I used to do regularly, as she is to me as sexy now as the day I met her, maybe there is something there, bbut I do know none of that is up for discussion in the issue, it is very much my problem.
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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry not tohave much advice but I am in a similar thing with my husband who has intermittent ED. He holds back from having sex because of fear of failure and embarrassment. He would push me away anytime I inititate anything and would change the subject if I even mentioned sex. I was feeling rejected and unwanted until I finally found a way to get him to talk about it. He avoided sex so well that I didn't know he was having an issue with ED, I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Things have improved now that it is in the open and we have talked about it. Communication is the key to solving these problems. If your wife is not willing to sit down and talk about this you're not going to get anywhere. I have to question her motives for not wanting to speak of it, it doesn't seem like she really wants to fix anything. I hope I'm wrong but in my case I am more than eager to help my husband work through his ED, for him and for me. I do want to have a fulfilling sex life and even though we are close there is something missing without that special intimacy shared during sex.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think you have several options available to you:

1.) Go a see a sex therapist, they work with this issue all the time. Best to go as a couple if possible.

2.) Try Viagra or Cialis, they have the effect of delaying ejaculation, there is a modest desentizing effect on the penis.

3.) Try using a topical anestetic on your penis, then wear a condom during PIV. That way, you won't numb your wifey's girly parts. You could try this by itself, or in conjunction with option #2.

I think the bigger issue is lack of communication and your wife's seeming unwillingness to compromise. It sounds to me like she is unwilling to adjust/adapt at all, and she is using this issue to create excuses to mitigate her own issues. I would find a marriage counselor who also has credentials as a sex therapist, and do that first.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

so the solution to you lasting longer is simply to stop for about 10 seconds and then you can resume..and she says this isn't acceptable because it ruins her enjoyment...seriously?? it is apparent she is getting something out of the control she has over you. Is there anything in your relationship that might have her feeling resentment towards you..justified or not? and I'm not talking about the PE issue...her total lack of compassion and desire to make you feel like a failure in bed seems to stem from something more deep-seeded.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you tried using a condom to desensitive yrself or skin it back a couple of times a week (practicing as they say).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm not trying to be harsh but she sounds like she's being a [email protected] on purpose. 
She sounds like she's angry at you and she's punishing you. 
Ugh, sports bras! They look horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

OlgaerOwen said:


> she says she does not feel satisfied enough like after sexsex proper.


Well said.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

One thing I did very early in my marriage (and it's not original, I had read it somewhere) is just before you are ready to orgasm, you, or she, put a finger firmly on your urethera near the base of your penis, and don't let anything escape, then lie still for a moment - until you feel yourself let down a bit from the point of ejaculation. Don't pull out and put it near the end because if the semen goes ahead and releases from your prostate, then that will be painful. It was never painful if I pressed near the base of the penis. 

Even if you don't stop in time to prevent the release of semen from your prostate, holding it like this prevents you from having a full orgasm. Whenever I did that, I didn't let down and become hypersensitive like I would have if I had a full orgasm, so even if the semen released, it seemed to "go back" (I'm sure that's not a correct assumption - but it felt like that after a moment), and I could pick up and continue.

It wasn't PE in my case - I was just very inexperienced and excited. It's something the partners have to work together on. In my case, after a while like this, I began to be able to hold out longer.

Now, we can go however long we want to. I don't orgasm until she signals me she's ready, and I'll then have to build to it. Granted, part of that happened with age, but holding it like I described is what we used to do to learn to last longer.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I say you take the 10 seconds you need. If she gets combative or complains, pin her arms down and kiss her hard. Then continue. Tell her this is your new Alpha Male thing.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Have you tried regular (as in often) masturbation without lubricants to desensitize your penis?

Frequent masturbation can cause the opposite problem for people of difficulty reaching orgasm, because the penile nervous system has become accustomed to greater stimulation from the increased friction.

Maybe you can find the happy medium. 

/Joking/ Unlike meds, on the plus side to my suggestion, there aren't any side effects, plus it is probably one of the most enjoyable therapies you could ever engage in...


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> I think the bigger issue is lack of communication and your wife's seeming unwillingness to compromise. It sounds to me like she is unwilling to adjust/adapt at all, and she is using this issue to create excuses to mitigate her own issues. I would find a marriage counselor who also has credentials as a sex therapist, and do that first.


I totally concur. For some reason, your wife is not meeting you half way on this (not even 1/100 of the way!). Based on other comments you made (her anger when you compliment or mention her increased bustline, etc), it seems like there are a lot of underlying issues and that she's using the sexual situation to execute some sort of power play. If you can't break through the communication issues on your own, then you should definitely head to a counselor.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shinobi said:


> In our earlier years I was able to get round the issue by changing positions and essentially using the stop start technique, and since it worked without a hitch, it was never even needed to be spoken about. Fast forward to now and its a huge problem, you see my wife is no longer willing to partake in anything other than intercourse until orgasm, no foreplay, no changing position, no toys, oral or anything else, she just wants to go from a relative standing start to the big o without stopping, no given 20 to 30 seconds in I am done, however a quick stop of a few seconds at that point, which can be as little time to pull her t shirt off and Im good for 10+ mins.


 The issue is not with you. The issue is with your wife. She is being unreasonable. Sex is suppose to be a two way street with both parties working with each other to insure both parties enjoy it. Your wife is not working with you but is instead demanding something that she knows that you cannot do. For some reason she wants you to fail at sex. To solve this problem you need to find out why she wants you to fail.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would suggest a good sex therapist, if you haven't tried one already. I don't think your wife's attitude towards the problem is helping things, and perhaps it would be an idea for her to hear this from a professional. She needs to help the situation, not exacerbate it. The more nervous you are about the problem, the worse it's going to be.

Good luck.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> I'm not trying to be harsh but she sounds like she's being a [email protected] on purpose.
> She sounds like she's angry at you and she's punishing you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree... that sounds pretty awful. If she can't even have the patience work with you and do the exercises, etc that's just wrong. It should be an enjoyable process, like a game even. She should be grateful that you are even trying... there are plenty of husbands that would just get it done and then roll over and fall asleep.

I've had more issues with delayed than with PE and I'd much prefer to have the PE. My wife is very gracious and for that I'm grateful.

One thing that's helped me.. if I finish too soon my wife likes to play with my half-erection... sometimes I can get back to thrusting if I really try. I've gotten her to orgasm lots of times this way. But that is not 'hard and fast' like your wife wants. It's lazy and playful interspersed with bursts of hard and fast.

She needs to figure out how to relax and enjoy the journey.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Where did I read this, I don't remember, but a book was suggested: "Lasting Longer: The Treatment Program for Premature Ejaculation" I just started reading it, it's on kindle from Amazon for $9.59.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Of all the male sexual dysfunctions PE is the easiest to fix. Just get a prescription for a low dose SSRI antidepressant like Paxil. It's side effect is to numb the ejaculatory reflex. Using it off label to treat PE is very common.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

There was a fictional character in a novel I read, I think it was Rabbit in John Updike's novels, who would think of baseball to delay himself.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Only minimally effective and it carries the risk of loss of erection. 

There was also Austin Powers. "Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold rainy day!"


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