# A Happy marriage yet still lingering on an ex



## seekinggoodadvice (Aug 12, 2012)

I have read numerous posts of people who are in similar situations as I now am. A common thread throughout these seems to be that people are looking for validation or an answer as to what they should do. I have already decided what I would like to do, I just would love some advice on how to do it. 
I had a boyfriend in high school, whom I dated rather seriously for 4 years, until he left for 2 years of missionary service for our church. While he was gone we were not allowed much contact, and I think due to this and my own immaturity, I broke things off with him. Our relationship was never perfect, we were young and stupid, and I know we had a lot of issues, but we felt very strongly for each other. I think when he left I felt a part of me was set free, and so I moved on more quickly than most could believe for how long our relationship lasted. I know that I did not deal with the situation as I should have, and I placed a lot of blame on him, which allowed me to feel angry and upset - that was how I dealt with the grief at the time. I think this caused a lot of my emotions to be buried and never really dealt with. Over the next year or so I dated several different guys. I then met someone special, and we became very good friends. I idealized him and thought he was probably too good for me. I eventually learned that he had feelings for me, and we started dating. 6 months before my ex boyfriend returned back home, we were married. That was 3 years ago, and recently my husband, our young daughter, and I moved back in with my parents for a short time before moving across the country for a continuation of my husbands schooling. I started to find myself thinking of my ex boyfriend more and more, I think part of this had to do with the fact that I am now living in the place where we spent so much time together. I tried to brush it off, but just couldn't seem to do it. I then ran in to him at the grocery store one day, and we ended up having a conversation that lasted for nearly 3 hours. The conversation was more emotional than I think either of us could have ever expected, and definitely not something I would have sought out. In the end, we both admitted that while it was nice to reconnect and realize that neither of us had lingering negative emotions, we couldn't talk anymore, it was too dangerous. We also both acknowledged the fact (though we probably shouldn't have), that there was probably nothing that either of us could do about the fact that we would always feel something for each other. He said there would probably always be days where we'd think of each other and wonder. His validation of my already growing feelings didn't help at all. While our conversation may sound inappropriate, there was no action implied in either of our words, and none discussed either. Simply a recognition and a matter-of-fact way of dealing with the truth for both of us I think. I told my husband everything after, and he was very understanding, but I just couldn't believe the powerful rush of emotion I felt while talking with my ex. Things just got worse after that, in terms of how often I thought of my ex. 
Now here I am, nearly 6 weeks later, and every day I have continual guilt about how often I think of him. I have no contact with him, and yet I still feel as if a part of me is being unfaithful to my husband. My ex is now engaged to be married in a mere month, and I sometimes fantasize about confronting him before the wedding and telling him to call it off for me. I also find myself wondering if there could be a way we could be together some day. 
I know these emotions are just my mind playing tricks on me, and I know that if we had ended up together we would probably have our own set of issues and problems, as every couple does. I love my husband very much, and I do not wish to be the break up of our family. I just don't know how to deal with all my thoughts and emotions. I would like to get my ex out of my head, so that I don't have to think about him any more. I am constantly comparing him to my husband, because they are completely different, and I find myself thinking my ex may have been the better choice, though I know I would likely feel this way no matter which choice I made. I want to be satisfied with my life instead of always wondering "what if". I'm just not sure how to do this.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Start by not just loving your husband but being a lover to your husband. Try to emotionally reconnect with your husband and bury your thoughts about your ex. You and your husband should read His Needs, Her Needs together. Just remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The "what ifs" never actually play out the way we think that they will. You're caught up in the fantasy of possibility and it's pulling you away from what's actually there in your life. It's a good thing that you were sensible enough to shut it down with your ex when you realized your feelings were still lingering. After three years married to someone else, any feelings you have for your ex will be nothing more than nostalgia brought about by the change in place and the reminders of your past by familiar things. The only way you're going to air your head out and get this fantasy fog out of there is by deliberately reconnecting with your husband and actively shutting down those fantasy thoughts when they occur. Date your husband. Explain to him that you feel vulnerable because you are both in transition and that it's important to you that you both reconnect in a passionate way for some time so that you can rejuvenate your marital bond. Invest your time and energy into that and you will hopefully be able to tune out your nostalgic feelings.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You need to have an "affair" with your husband !! ....  Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse 

Stir the dopamine & "Love the one your with"! When you really get down to it....Falling in LOVE is really just a c0cktail of chemicals & hormones aroused towards another....

The science of love

Think about throwing yourself into planning a very Romantic vacation for just you & your husband. Put on the song you danced at your wedding..and dance in your living room. 

Make a "Movie Maker video" of the last 3 yrs you've shared together... with the birth of your daughter... play it back with a mushy love song. May just throw you completely out of this "spell" you find yourself under. 

Seems you are questioning if you missed your "*soul mate*" in life, as some have fallen into this after they went on to marry....running into an old flame......and if something, no matter how small, is lacking in their marriages, the allure to go back in time is even stronger....with the "What if"s....

I once watched a program about this subject... and after hearing this man speak...He was a Christian Marraige Counselor I believe.....I will never look upon this subject the same....(as I have always thought my husband was my soul mate)...

Pretty much he explained....that many marraiges have been destroyed over a person believing like this , when things go wrong, marraige not panning out the way they imagined, the feelings waning....they start entertaining this idea they MISSED THEIR SOUL MATE...they get so caught up in this belief....they may even leave their spouse over it....only to go out seeking /searching for this lost love, or one they have not found yet, that they are out there ...."waiting for them". 

One good thing is ....putting this belief to rest... it means we can have other loves in our lifetime if one is truly lost, a husband or wife dies...... but connecting and reviving with we have in our marriages is what is needed here. Make no mistake, you will have problems with the other man as well. Just different ones. As you say you still love your husband and he is a good man....you have a good marraige.

Your answer.... Revive the passion. Kiss what was ...goodbye, it was a place in time, it helped you become the woman you are today.... but he belongs to another. As you belong to your husband .


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Are you LDS?


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## CyrusMccasl (Aug 13, 2012)

I will never look upon this subject the same


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## seekinggoodadvice (Aug 12, 2012)

I so appreciate all the good advice, I think everyone is right, I need to put everything in to reconnecting with my husband. I'm also glad to hear some ideas of how to do this. Sometimes it just seems so overwhelming and impossible. 
CyrusMccasl, why do you say what you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Good advice given and cannot think of anything else other than consistent temple attendance with your husband and building on what you committed to for eternity.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I suggest making love to your husband daily and focusing your mind on it. 

During lovemaking your brain will release the same connection hormone released at child birth (in smaller quantities). This will literally help your brain chemistry connect and focus on your husband.


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