# How do you have the "you're too fat" conversation with H?



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

My H has never been in particularly good shape, however, it seems to be getting worse. He has poor eating habits and never exercises. I go for walks with the kids and invite him to come along and he always says no. He is actually one of the laziest people I have ever met and I find it to be a huge turn off. Suggestions on how to tell him I am not finding him physically attractive? I know it's mean but it's how I feel.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This is what I suggested on the other thread. Maybe it will work for you.

_"Hey honey, I need to talk to you about something I've noticed lately. Have you been feeling okay? Stressed about anything lately? I ask because I've noticed in the last few months you've gained a little (or a lot) of weight and I'm worried about you. Is there something that I can do for you, or something you need from me? I love you and I want us to be healthy and happy together. If there's anything that you need from me, please let me know. That's why I'm here. I don't want you to think you don't have any support with anything that's troubling you. I've been struggling with how to ask you about this, because I know it's a sensitive topic, but as your husband (or wife) I couldn't let it go another day."_

I'll suggest this for you too... if you make the meals in the home, make them healthier. Pack his lunch for work. Stop buying junk food and soda if you do, and stay away from processed foods (anything in the middle aisles of the grocery store). 

If he won't exercise, at least you can have some control over what he's eating.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

I've recently had the same issue with my bf. He was always in shape but has been letting himself go. I started cooking very healthy meals for us. I also mentioned that we should create an excel sheet to track our progress (I have a little lower belly flab I want to get rid of). 

He's not lazy though and he's on board with healthy eating. If he weren't, I'd probably just say "We really need to get serious about getting in shape you and I. We're turning into couch potatoes. Any ideas on how we can improve things for us?". 

If that didn't work, I'd eventually be honest that his weight gain is off putting. 

Try to make it a team effort and see if he will lead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I do not cook his meals because he won't eat what I make. Plus, he has a job where he works 12-9 so he eats out a lot. If he's home he makes what he wants. I don't keep much junk in the house at all. A few snacks for the kids but that's it. (He will dig into the stuff I keep for the kids too) When I go to the grocery store he will ask me to buy chips and stuff and lately I haven't been. I can't see having that conversation with him but I think I may need to.


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

BTW, I workout regularly and watch what I eat. I am in better shape now then when we got married and have had 2 babies. So, the let's do it together won't really work. I feel as if I'm trying to change him..


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My W joined a gym. Within a few weeks of weight training she started really toning up. Huge turn on. Noticeable improvement in bed (wasn't bad before but we're talking another level). I simply had to join for her, for me, for better sex. 

Not saying it will be the way for everyone but might help others.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry, our posts crossed.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> *I do not cook his meals because he won't eat what I make.* Plus, he has a job where he works 12-9 so he eats out a lot. If he's home he makes what he wants. I don't keep much junk in the house at all. A few snacks for the kids but that's it. (He will dig into the stuff I keep for the kids too) When I go to the grocery store he will ask me to buy chips and stuff and lately I haven't been. I can't see having that conversation with him but I think I may need to.


Why doesn't he eat your food?

Eating out is doing it to him. He needs to take his lunch. The kids can have healthy choices for snacks. They don't need junk either. My kids growing up ate fruit and nuts or granola bars. Chips were a rare thing in the house, and I didnt buy soda. At 19 and 24 they've never had a cavity. 

Your lifestyle has to change if anything is going to change. That's the bottom line.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like you're going to have to be honest about it then. I don't think men take it as badly as women do. Though you know your husband better than I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> He needs to take his lunch.


It is so important, yet I struggle with this.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> BTW, I workout regularly and watch what I eat. I am in better shape now then when we got married and have had 2 babies. So, the let's do it together won't really work. I feel as if I'm trying to change him..


That's awesome for you, but you want to know how to motivate him to do the same thing.

How have you approached it in the past? It is about the delivery of a message more than the message itself.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> It is so important, yet I struggle with this.


Make it the night before! That's what we do.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

"I love you but I feel our sex life is suffering because of your diet and lack of exercise. If you lost some weight, ate a little better and worked out some. I know we'd be having sex a lot more".

You'll see him go for a walk real quick. Men are very Carrot and Stick oriented. Maybe not as blunt, but you get the idea.

Or. A BJ for every 5lbs lost (which could actually be once a week very easily). Swallowing at each 20lbs. But no oral until a mutually agreed upon goal is hit except for the milestones.

Don't be afraid to bribe LOL.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> "I love you but I feel our sex life is suffering because of your diet and lack of exercise. If you lost some weight, ate a little better and worked out some. I know we'd be having sex a lot more".
> 
> You'll see him go for a walk real quick. Men are very Carrot and Stick oriented. Maybe not as blunt, but you get the idea.
> 
> ...


I dunno. Isn't that sort of like treating him like a pet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Can I ask how old your husband is? Depending on age, you might be able to get him to see a doctor for a check-up - doc could light a fire under him.


----------



## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Find a article online talking about how a mans penis looks smaller or gets smaller with weight gain....


----------



## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> I dunno. Isn't that sort of like treating him like a pet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but it will work! Deep down men are just like animals. And nothing motivates us better than sex 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Be kind and loving and lead by example (although it sounds like you already 'walk the talk').

Most men are visual creatures so he will probably understand that you would like to see him 'loving his own body more'. I gather he likes that you are fit and healthy looking. 

When my H and I work out I always make a point of telling him how sexy he is.. it may just be the sweat making me talk.... pheromones and all.

As far as the bribing your man.. we like to call it 'positive reinforcement' around here....
I use it to get all kinds of thing done/achieved... the offer of a BJ or a full on massage increases his interest in even the most mundane activites and the added sexual tension can make the activity more fun too!


----------



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be. Guys are usually less sensitive than women about weight issues. I'd say, "hey you're fat and looking pretty disgusting now. Lose some weight." in a joking kind of way if need be. Direct and to the point.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I once had the same need to tell my husband and so I said it to him. He was in his man cave (aka the garage) and I walked in told him that his large belly was getting in the way of the incredible sex we had before it got so big and I wanted our sex life back.
He is not so fat and lazy now and it went away real quick. He stopped drinking soda and taking seconds (lucky how that worked for him so fast).
Just be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you feel but don't use degrading words about his weight or laziness. Just tell him you want sex but the weight is killing the desire. Let him choose how to get rid of his extra pounds and support it. 
Good luck


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Two suggestions (particularly if he's defensive):

1. It may more constructive if you say "we" instead of "you".

2. Make sure you're not guilty of ignoring a complaint he has against you, or that you are not accusing him of something that's a problem for you too. I remember when my ex complained about my weight (was indeed too high) after she herself had added 50% to her weight.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

DTO said:


> Two suggestions (particularly if he's defensive):
> 
> 1. It may more constructive if you say "we" instead of "you".
> 
> 2. Make sure you're not guilty of ignoring a complaint he has against you, or that you are not accusing him of something that's a problem for you too. I remember when my ex complained about my weight (was indeed too high) after she herself had added 50% to her weight.


:iagree: Great perspective here.

I also wonder if you are all into getting into shape and he is not? Or is he depressed? I think that you should look for more in the causes realm of things to see if there is more to it than laziness......if not I stand by my first post on the matter. JUST TELL HIM!


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

In just about all of these types of weight threads and some of the lack of sex threads, I always see that poster that has the issue with their spouse is the one who takes care of the house, the kids, exercises, eats healthy, works, , takes care of the pets, does the laundry and grocery shopping they seem to do it all. They do everything while the spouse they have the issue with seems to do nothing. So I guess maybe its best to drop the spouse you have the issue with and find someone who does ALL the things you say you do. Just sayin'!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Now see ... telling your male partner is a completely different scenario.

You say these exact words:

"You're fat. You're getting fatter, and I don't find you attractive."

Don't mince words. Don't dance around it or try to couch it as something else. Don't try to ease him into the talk, or break it to him gently.

Tell him. Without remorse. 

That is what a guy requires.

And if he's the sensitive type and feels wounded or gets teary, ask him if he'd like a hanky and a pint of Ben & Jerry's to make his fat a$$ feel better.

Put the relationship on the line. Trust me, he will do something about it.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Adex said:


> I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be. Guys are usually less sensitive than women about weight issues. I'd say, "hey you're fat and looking pretty disgusting now. Lose some weight." in a joking kind of way if need be. Direct and to the point.


While each person is different, there is a lot of truth in this. A friend is a junior high basketball coach. Awhile back, he switch from coaching boys to coaching girls. He said the biggest issue for him was how he instructed. Boys generally would take criticism and use it to prove him wrong. The girls were more likely to take it personally and shut down. Not all for sure, but he needed to be less careful with his style with the boys.

So you may not need to be quite as sensative with him as you would want him to be with you.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> I dunno. Isn't that sort of like treating him like a pet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all in my opinion. Human beings are motivated by reward. We like to win, we like to achieve etc. For a guy, a BJ prize is a great prize. 

My wife is really smart about it. She doesn't give me offers ahead of time. She'll give me a reward after I do something. Maybe I've cleaned up the kitchen a few days in a row (usually we alternate duties but if I'm bored, I'll jump on things to make it easier for her). I'll get "Honey, you really should've left that for me. I might have to play kissdapeepee later to make up for it". Part of why I have no issue with it is because I know my wife gets a thrill out of pleasuring me (like I do towards her). So I don't feel like she's doing it, just to do it. I'd never want sex in that situation. But I will do random things around the house to see if I can "get a prize" again LOL. Does she have me trained a bit. Yup. Do either of us have ANY issues with it. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!!


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Now see ... telling your male partner is a completely different scenario.
> 
> You say these exact words:
> 
> ...



This is gospel! Guys just need to hear it. These words worked for me.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband has a belly at the moment...but I actually love it. Maybe because he's always been SOOO skinny. I find his belly a sign of happiness cause of all the yummy things I cook.

He has mentioned he wants to lose it. I don't say anything. He's sexy with and without it. He'll do what he does.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My husband has a belly at the moment...but I actually love it. Maybe because he's always been SOOO skinny. I find his belly a sign of happiness cause of all the yummy things I cook.
> 
> He has mentioned he wants to lose it. I don't say anything. He's sexy with and without it. He'll do what he does.


True but in my case I found out eventually there is a weight limit on that belly. My husband was very underweight when I met him (weighed 135 - he was a smoker). I find anything over 200 on him kinda gross - he has a medium frame and is not that tall. He's 185 now, still has a belly but this is attractive....200 isn't.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, that is understandable. My husband is usually around 150...he's in the high 160s now (only 5'8"). Looks cute. People probably wouldn't notice his belly. I just notice it because there used to be nothing there.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You say, "Honey you're to fat, how do we try and fix you?!"


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, that is understandable. My husband is usually around 150...he's in the high 160s now (only 5'8"). Looks cute. People probably wouldn't notice his belly. I just notice it because there used to be nothing there.


Ideally my husband should be at 165-175 so 185-200 is okay. Anything over that is a turn off. It ALL goes to his belly and he gets that double chin. Ick.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Not at all in my opinion. Human beings are motivated by reward. We like to win, we like to achieve etc. For a guy, a BJ prize is a great prize.
> 
> My wife is really smart about it. She doesn't give me offers ahead of time. She'll give me a reward after I do something. Maybe I've cleaned up the kitchen a few days in a row (usually we alternate duties but if I'm bored, I'll jump on things to make it easier for her). I'll get "Honey, you really should've left that for me. I might have to play kissdapeepee later to make up for it". Part of why I have no issue with it is because I know my wife gets a thrill out of pleasuring me (like I do towards her). So I don't feel like she's doing it, just to do it. I'd never want sex in that situation. But I will do random things around the house to see if I can "get a prize" again LOL. Does she have me trained a bit. Yup. Do either of us have ANY issues with it. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!!


That's pretty sad. I could never respect a man who expected me to train him and treat him like a puppy. Luckily I don't have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> That's pretty sad. I could never respect a man who expected me to train him and treat him like a puppy. Luckily I don't have to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's actually sad that you go to this level of perception about something that is done in fun with two mature, willing and MOST IMPORTANT KNOWING adults. 

Whether you want to admit it or not. There are things and ways your husband has trained you and vice versa. You do things a certain way because you know how he'll respond to certain circumstances or events, either positively or negatively. If your husband takes on a big project around the house (building a deck or remodeling the bathroom), do you ever make him his favorite dinner or something to "reward and thank him"? That's not being a puppy and neither is this.

It's my wife and I playfully enjoying each others' time. There are PLENTY of time where I'll walk into the living room and say "uhmmm, it's your turn on the kitchen...lets go. Chop Chop Chili Chili." And she laughs. I think you're looking at what I'm saying in a VERY negative context when it's not at all. Now if my wife did those things as negative MANIPULATION, then we'd have a very different conversation. But she doesn't so it's all fun.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> It's actually sad that you go to this level of perception about something that is done in fun with two mature, willing and MOST IMPORTANT KNOWING adults.
> 
> Whether you want to admit it or not. There are things and ways your husband has trained you and vice versa. You do things a certain way because you know how he'll respond to certain circumstances or events, either positively or negatively. If your husband takes on a big project around the house (building a deck or remodeling the bathroom), do you ever make him his favorite dinner or something to "reward and thank him"? That's not being a puppy and neither is this.
> 
> It's my wife and I playfully enjoying each others' time. There are PLENTY of time where I'll walk into the living room and say "uhmmm, it's your turn on the kitchen...lets go. Chop Chop Chili Chili." And she laughs. I think you're looking at what I'm saying in a VERY negative context when it's not at all. Now if my wife did those things as negative MANIPULATION, then we'd have a very different conversation. But she doesn't so it's all fun.


I make him nice dinners every day. Just like how sex and BJ's are always on the table. We both do our chores because we're functional adults, not to get rewards. 

IMO using sex to get someone to do what you want is a form of manipulation. We can agree to disagree. But believe me if I tried to use sex as a reward with my SO, he'd be long gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

La Rose Noire said:


> That's pretty sad. I could never respect a man who expected me to train him and treat him like a puppy. Luckily I don't have to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Companies do it for their employees all the time. They're called bonuses, benefits, incentives or raises. Would you quit a job for rewarding your efforts? I somehow think not.

Marriages are partnerships that run similar to a company. As human beings we respond more to postive affirmation and appreciation for the things we do. Men respond very well to sex based activities, because they're wired that way (it's how they receive love). So why not offer it as a show of appreciation for the things they do? Some women like expensive gifts... would you think your man was treating you like a pet because he buys you a few sparkly bracelets? 

IMO expressions of love and appreciation are necessary for a successful relationship. Just like a company knows bonuses, benefits and incentives are necessary to keep their employee's happy and motivated to continue doing a great job.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> I make him nice dinners every day. Just like how sex and BJ's are always on the table. We both do our chores because we're functional adults, not to get rewards.
> 
> IMO using sex to get someone to do what you want is a form of manipulation. We can agree to disagree. But believe me if I tried to use sex as a reward with my SO, he'd be long gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get your point and totally agree with you to an extent. Maybe I should clarify more. Everytime my wife and I do ANYTHING sexual with each other. The driving force behind it is to have a fun and rewarding sexual experience. We'd NEVER use the idea of sex to obtain a specific behavior as the primary driving force behind having said sexual experience. So there's no "manipulation" involved.

We will find different ways to initiate sex thought. Sometimes very romantic, other times playfully. I think you and I are splitting hairs. I'm describing the action of how we might initiate something sexual, you're looking at it from the stand point of analyzing what the driving force behind it is. I totally agree with you. If my wife didn't WANT to do something for/to me, but did it anyways in order to "get me to do a chore" I'd have a MAJOR issue with that. My first wife was a manipulator and I'll NEVER tolerate that again.

I also see where you got that perception about what I was saying so no harm no foul. I think we're probably a lot closer to our opinions that originally thought


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I get your point and totally agree with you to an extent. Maybe I should clarify more. Everytime my wife and I do ANYTHING sexual with each other. The driving force behind it is to have a fun and rewarding sexual experience. We'd NEVER use the idea of sex to obtain a specific behavior as the primary driving force behind having said sexual experience. So there's no "manipulation" involved.
> 
> We will find different ways to initiate sex thought. Sometimes very romantic, other times playfully. I think you and I are splitting hairs. I'm describing the action of how we might initiate something sexual, you're looking at it from the stand point of analyzing what the driving force behind it is. I totally agree with you. If my wife didn't WANT to do something for/to me, but did it anyways in order to "get me to do a chore" I'd have a MAJOR issue with that. My first wife was a manipulator and I'll NEVER tolerate that again.
> 
> I also see where you got that perception about what I was saying so no harm no foul. I think we're probably a lot closer to our opinions that originally thought


I see. Yes that's what I'm referring to. In your original response to the thread you mentioned no sex until the weight was off, which lead me to think of it as manipulation. I can see how your situation works for you though. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Companies do it for their employees all the time. They're called bonuses, benefits, incentives or raises. Would you quit a job for rewarding your efforts? I somehow think not.
> 
> Marriages are partnerships that run similar to a company. As human beings we respond more to postive affirmation and appreciation for the things we do. Men respond very well to sex based activities, because they're wired that way (it's how they receive love). So why not offer it as a show of appreciation for the things they do? Some women like expensive gifts... would you think your man was treating you like a pet because he buys you a few sparkly bracelets?
> 
> IMO expressions of love and appreciation are necessary for a successful relationship. Just like a company knows bonuses, benefits and incentives are necessary to keep their employee's happy and motivated to continue doing a great job.


In my case I give/get sex freely. Not to reward him for anything. Sex is just as rewarding to me as it is to him. Sex is how I feel loved as well. So this concept of using it as a reward just doesn't work for us. I'm HD.

And I don't get sparkly bracelets lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I agree that men often need to hear a pretty direct approach. No beatin' around the bush for most of us. I know, though, that all men are different, so you have a better understanding of how he deals with tough news. If I was ever in this place, I would want my wife to say something like, "Hali, remember how I always got that look when you put on your old t-shirt, getting ready to work in the yard??? I know what you are capable of when you stay focused on your health, even as we age. Can we have that again?"


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

La Rose Noire said:


> In my case I give/get sex freely. Not to reward him for anything. Sex is just as rewarding to me as it is to him. Sex is how I feel loved as well. So this concept of using it as a reward just doesn't work for us. I'm HD.
> 
> And I don't get sparkly bracelets lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm HD too. Life is good.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm HD too. Life is good.


It truly is 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> I see. Yes that's what I'm referring to. In your original response to the thread you mentioned no sex until the weight was off, which lead me to think of it as manipulation. I can see how your situation works for you though.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh no, not no sex. No BJ's (if they're going to be a motivating prize). Or maybe a "good job BJ" if you know he's struggling with the actually pounds because he's having a "plateau week". but his effort is strong. Whatever the "prize" is, that would have to be taken off the table because then it's no longer a prize. But that can be agreed upon by both. This is something that can't be done as a threat. It only works, in my opinion, if it's embraced by both parties.


----------

