# Signs that a Spouse could be having an Emotional Affair, and what comes next? (long)



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I wrote this some time back, after catching my wife in an EA.

I know there are some quality posts already here on TAM, but I thought I would share it anyway. In hopes it may help someone.

The last thing a married person wants to think about is that their spouse could be talking to, texting, flirting with, or sexing another. The stone cold reality is that if your marriage is in a state where your spouse is slowly distancing themselves away from your marriage, then you run the risk of a betrayal (if it hasn’t already occurred).

Here are some signs to watch out for:

• They become increasingly distant.
• They quit communicating. They give short; “have to know” answers to inquiries and leaves out lots of details.
• They quit having any conversation with you in regard to your relationship and go silent when you attempt to discuss it.
• They start drinking more than normal.
• They start going out with “friends” allot. Several times per month, or even per week.
• They increasingly start to interact with the children and leaving you out of it, or when they do get involved, they do not seem to enjoy your company and do not participate in your interactions with the kids. In other words, they stand back from the family time while you’re involved.
• They start spending allot of time on the phone, computer, Facebook, or texting. They do this late at night after you have gone to sleep; they always leave the room when talking.
• They start to hide, or protect their phone, computer screen, and (for women) THIER UNDRESSED BODY.
• They become increasingly less interested in sex, or cut off ALL sex, or in some cases they become much more sexual than usual in conjunction with some or all of the above signs. This can be a cover up.

Does any of this confirm they are having an affair? Not necessarily, but It could be a possibility. It definitely means that your spouse is NOT viewing you as the “special person” in their life.

For a woman, her need to be attracted to a man runs so deep in the way she’s wired… if you are not the “man” in her life… then she is low hanging fruit for any “player” that might come along and tell her what she wants to hear.

For a man, he needs physical attention. If he is not getting that from his wife, eventually, he may seek it outside of his marriage.

If this is your reality right now… you must be aware that you have not been fulfilling the needs of your spouse in a way that inspires their positive reactions towards you. You have not been drawing them closer to you, but instead, pushing them away.

You can bet that if you do not do something immediately and consistently over time to provide them support and love the way they need it, they will eventually find fulfillment through other sources. If you are certain that there is not another person involved, then changing your “mode of operation” and meeting their needs for fulfillment in better ways, should get you heading down the right path. In fact, even if there is someone else involved, assuming that you still want to save your marriage, you will eventually come to this same path, but you must first remove any and all negative outside influences from your marriage.

What Can You do if you Suspect Involvement with another?

If you merely suspect that your spouse is communicating with another, do not start accusing or confronting them without some solid evidence. Even if your suspicions are correct, your spouse may be living a fantasy and has no intention of leaving you. They may not want to disrupt their “Happy Home”. That being said, you can expect that they are going to deny and deflect any piece of circumstantial evidence. In this case, you’ll want to monitor the situation while simultaneously providing love, support, and any needs they feel are being neglected, needs that they will allow you to do at this time.

If you have hard evidence, do not give up your sources and do NOT confront too soon. Wait until you have everything in order and it is an appropriate time. If and when you do confront…make sure that you present facts that they cannot argue with. Do not allege anything you don’t have a smoking gun for (In other words: You don’t want to accuse them of having a physical affair, if they have not done so). If you confront too soon, without all the facts... you make it too easy for your spouse to react in:

• Denial – they will most likely deny that anything is going on. You may hear “We are just friends” or “You’re making something out of nothing”.
• Anger – they might try turning the tables on you for “spying”. Or, “Who do you think you are checking up on me?”, “What gives you the right to invade my privacy?”
• Justification – “It’s YOUR fault I HAD to look elsewhere!”
• Guilt, Tears and Humiliation – The reality of their own actions and betrayal may start to weigh heavy on their conscience.
• Silence, they may choose to avoid everything and go silent. Not participating in any conversations about the issues.
• They may seem to submit by overly taking care of things, become overly passionate and sexual. Don’t trust this; see the following sections before moving forward.

REMEMBER: You are not trying to get a confession… you are merely trying to CONFIRM WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW!

Should you find that your spouse was involved in inappropriate behavior, you have some choice’s to make:

First you have to determine if the actions are forgivable to you. Take the time to get a real feeling of what you desire. Many people rush into actions that they come to later regret, in both staying and leaving a marriage before they allowed time to show them what they really wanted.

Some people think they can forgive but can’t, and vice versa. The truth is you cannot move forward if you cannot let go of the past and forgive. It’s not often that a marriage gets to this point by the actions of just one spouse. You will also need to look at what you may have done to create your part of getting where you are and take responsibility for what you helped create, and then have the ability to forgive not only your spouse, but yourself.

Once you realize what direction you are going in, you are faced with a confrontation. You will either confront the issue and move into leaving your spouse, or you will confront with the intent to salvage your marriage and move forward.

Some people recognize their role in how it all happened, and may be willing to forgive and stay in the marriage having had this “wake up” call. Others may forgive, but still end the marriage because of the betrayal. Some would rather hold onto the hurt than forgive.

Should you determine to end your marriage, no one would fault you for that.

Should you determine to keep the marriage intact, you should take a look at yourself and what you are feeling… which may include:

• Denial, you may not want to believe that your spouse could ever do such a thing; they simply are not that kind of person. I’m sorry, every person that has ever been betrayed thought the same thing.
• Anger, you will no doubt feel anger, that’s normal, just don’t let it consume you. It will pass if you allow it too.
• Hurt, you will eventually get past the anger and feel hurt. Again normal, this is a good point for you to look deep into yourself and see what you may have done to create what has happened.
• Acceptance, once you get through the emotional phases, you will come to accept what has happened.
This is the most important thing for you to do. Because without acceptance, you cannot forgive, if you cannot forgive, you cannot move forward, with or without your spouse. The inability to forgive will make a person live a very unhappy life. So even if you decide to move forward without your spouse. Forgive them first.

What you should require Before Moving Forward:

• From you: Forgiveness towards them, Acceptance and the ability to move past it, and never to hold it against them in the future.
• From them: Genuine remorse, a sincere apology, a commitment to your marriage and never allowing it to happen again. Forgiving you of past actions and letting go of past resentments, and forgiveness of you.

Start by putting the past behind you. As time goes on it will hurt you less and less, until it becomes ancient history. Lead your spouse down the TRUE path to happiness and fulfillment with YOU. Meet your spouse’s needs better than ANYONE else can. Be the person that leads the family to fun experiences and adventures. This is extremely important because how you think, behave, and operate from this point forward will mean the difference between a happy fulfilling marriage for the rest of your life or a repeat offense of a very hurtful time in your life.

Take the high road, weather your current marriage survives or not, you will come out knowing that you have been a quality person to be admired.


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