# Unhappy (warning: a bit long)



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Hello all,

My girlfriend and I aren't married, but we've been together for 11 years so that must count for something. I'm a 33 year old male. She's 32.

I met her when I was living in the UK and going to university. I had intended to return to Canada once I'd finished university but, because I'd met this amazing girl, ended up staying. I slowly got better jobs and we bought a house but it was always my dream to come back home. Eventually I figured out a way to do it and we sold our house. I sponsored her to emigrate and she is now legally a Permanent Resident here in Canada. I went back to college hoping to retrain for a new career.

Unfortunately, there's a number of issues. She got made redundant quite a few years ago and was completely unable to find a new job. After burning through her severance package over a very long period I ended up as the sole breadwinner, and fortunately I had just gotten a much better paying job which covered the gap. To try and motivate her and get her out of the house, her parents had a small business and gave her a job working in their office. There wasn't much to be done some days, and they figured having a routine would keep her going and she could use those downtimes to search for a proper job. That didn't happen, and she remained there for about three years.

Now we're here in Canada (I arrived August, her in October), and she's back as she was after being made redundant. She sits in the apartment all day, poking around on job sites but just as often doing something else unrelated - she spent over a week just ripping CDs onto the laptop I bought for her. I appreciate the economy is tough but she hasn't had a single interview yet. She makes great plans for all the things she's going to do: she wants to do get the GED to increase her education level, she wants to get her driver's licence... heck, she wanted a new look by getting a new hair style. None of these things have happened in the last nine months. Her sedentary lifestyle has already cost her some of her figure. Me? I was at college every day.

I come home to find we've run out of basics in the fridge like juice or milk, as she's used the last of something and hasn't replaced it. I made dinner the other night (I do most nights), went to a job interview in the morning and arrived home in the afternoon to find the kitchen was still a mess, with some pieces of food still on the cutting board slowly changing colour. However, whenever I go to wash the dishes (even if she made dinner) she always stops me and tells me to leave it, she'll do it.

She always talks about going places together, yet stays up into the very early hours of the morning (sometimes 4am) watching TV and reading things on the internet. This means she will sleep in until almost noon if not beyond, and it's often too late by then to go anywhere. This is compounded by the fact that it can take her upwards of an hour if not two to get 'ready', after agreeing to a plan to go someplace! Given she doesn't wear makeup or jewellery and simply brushes her hair before tying it back, I am unable to explain why she needs two hours to prepare for a walk in the park or to go to a restaurant. When we visited my parents recently, our plans were severely curtailed by this - plus I had to try and explain what was taking her so long - and I later told her that I was sick of missing out on doing things because she wastes so much time. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've said this to her and I doubt this will change things either.

There is, unfortunately, a huge issue: she has almost no sex drive any more. When we first met, we couldn't keep our hands off each other and that lasted for the first three or four years. It has dropped off severely since then, to the point where we won't have sex for two or three months. She knows this isn't right and claims to have approached her doctor about it, but no problem was ever found. She even agreed to having an 'open relationship', mostly for my benefit, so that my desire for physical affection could be satisfied (I haven't met anyone else to actually to make use of this situation). 

The result is that I don't really see where this relationship is going. I see her as lazy, out of shape, unavailable sexually, and not contributing anything to our household in the form of domestic tasks or money to pay the rent. Whenever I try to talk to her about important issues I first have to get her attention away from the TV (usually by turning it off) and then after I've explained what I want to talk about she will fidget for several minutes, not making eye contact, saying "um", and it's hard to get any sort of response. The money I saved worked and from the sale of our house isn't going to last forever.

While I was at college I made a lot of friends (my program was almost entirely female), some older but most younger. Many of the ones near my age were frustrated at being single for a long time - one has been such for six years! My best friend has a boyfriend who sounds exactly like my girlfriend: content to sit around the house all day watching TV, playing video games and burning through his savings, not worried about the future. Like me, she sometimes still feels some of the affection for him that she once held but most of the time is infuriated and sick of the sight of him. I mention my friends because they have given me back something I haven't had for a very long time - a social life. Her friends all moved away years ago and she never found new ones, content (again) to sit at home with the TV or a book. It didn't help that all my friends commented how young at heart I was, and I fit in well with them despite the age difference.

There are things right about her: like me, she doesn't want children. We also decided against getting married for the foreseeable future, content to 'live in sin' as she puts it. We never shout or argue, and when we talk our personalities are mostly compatible. She doesn't object to me going out on my own or wanting some privacy to play a video game. I've seen and heard enough tales of 'psycho' spouses to count myself lucky in these respects. 

What the heck do I do? We had one rough patch, waaaaay back when we'd only been together two years, when we were living in a bad apartment, I had shift-work job that kept me away and we basically ran out of money. It was only after we spent four months apart having been forced back to our parents' homes that I decided the relationship was worth it and fought to get a job and a home and stay with her. It weighs on my mind that I'll have brought her to Canada for nothing - she has nothing here except me, and was keen to come as she felt wasn't much for her in the UK. She'll almost certainly end up going back and having to live with her parents again, which will take a long time to prepare and will drag out the whole process of separating to an even more painful extent.

I'm scared and don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll regret it if I go through with it, but also that I'll be wasting my life if I don't. Thanks for reading.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Stating the obvious: she's caught in a rut. Those are hard to get out of. Perhaps she should try baby steps. How about doing volunteer work? Join a gym? Learn a new trade?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

She wants to do something new, but isn't sure what it is. She wants to do the GED first, still hasn't gotten around to it. She was training to be an insurance claims handler when her whole department got made redundant. She considered training to be a dental hygienist, but nothing has come of that either.

We don't have money for a gym, she was trying to lose weight and get back in shape by using exercise DVDs and also by jogging. However, the other issues above often result in either of those just not happening. Our building has a pool which is free to use at any time, I think she's used it twice, I go at least once a week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She's sunk into the unemployed funk. 

My advice is to give her some options that you can live with. She has to chose one of them. Staying the way things are is not an option.

1) She gets into school. If that means that she has to start with the GED then that's what she does. She also has to find a part time job... even as a store clerk.

2) She get busy doing something outside the home 5 days a week. She can start with volunteer work... anything so that she gets up and gets out and does something useful. Then she can start job hunting.. again even a part time job is ok to start with.

4) she gets a full time job doing anything.

5) or she leaves now to go visit her parents. She understands that the plan is for her not to return unless she does 1 or 2 above.

You have to be willing to lose this relationship to save it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your girlfriend for whatever reason sounds like she is depressed. Something is definitely not right with her. Perhaps she's homesick and misses her family? Moving to another country leaving friends and family behind is difficult.

You need to find out what is wrong and help her through this. She left her friends and family to accommodate you, she must really value your relationship.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

@Elegirl: Thanks for the suggestions. She can't up and visit her parents. Remember, we're in Canada, her parents are in the UK. The other options are all good and are all things she's readily agree that she needs to do. After the best part of a year (just in Canada), though, they haven't happened, never mind when she was unemployed and was in the same situation until her severance package ran out (again, about a year!)

@I'mInLoveWithMyHubby: I'd agree to an extent: after all, I did it myself when I went over there to go to university. However, as I said above, she didn't really have friends in the UK. Most had moved away to be with their partners or for work. One or two didn't live that far away (maybe 15 mins drive, or two stops on the train) but my GF would never make the effort to go see them or even call them.

She knew when we met that I was going to want to go home at some point, and accepted that. However, all of these problems started long before we moved, before I'd even come up with my solid plan that enabled us to move. I was still the one who seemed to do everything: arranging for home repairs, grocery shopping, cooking. In addition, the entire reason I stayed in the UK for 14 years instead of just four is: her. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she 'owes' me for making that sacrifice, but I do think that I should have a girlfriend who contributes to the relationship.

I am sick of things having been like this for so long that it's now making me unhappy and depressed and something's got to give.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

She sounds depressed. Maybe a trip to the doctor is in order?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

She isn't depressed, and says she's not (I just asked her). When I first met her, she was taking St John's Wort to cope with feeling down. She stopped quite a few years ago and says she no longer feels the need to take it. Her family have likewise told me that she used to be depressed but isn't any more.

I fear it might be apathy or laziness. I told her I'm worried about her being in a rut, something she acknowledges. It's the lack of any effort to get out of the rut, yet again, that worries me so much. Last it took literally running out of money and having to go back to our parents to shake her up and get her out of it. I really don't want to have to spend months living like this and burning through my savings just to get to that stage so there'll be another wake up call, but I don't know what else to do. I don't think ultimatums have any place in a relationship and have no desire to issue a shape up or ship out. 

It seems like we keep talking about problems, she agrees something isn't right and will work on it, and then nothing changes.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

My ex sister-in-law and her husband went through the same thing, him being the slacker, and it didn't end up well. He was a hard working man, fell in love with her, moved to her country, and couldn't get the same sort of job that he had in the US and got into a rut and just spiraled to the point where he just did absolutely nothing.

What happened? A lack of self worth, as well as a wife, who rather than inspire and motivate would just complain that she was earning and he didn't do anything. It got to the point where she built this great social life and dreaded going back home. She also never took her husband out with her because she was embarrassed of him and didn't want him around.

Do you take your girlfriend out with you and your friends? I bet you don't. You too have built a social life and you feel that it has given you plenty of energy and inspiration, but you probably don't share this with your girlfriend. A good group may just be the right catalyst to get her moving. If she was around people who were motivated and goal oriented, she would probably feel out of place but might be enough to want her to do something rather than look like a slacker. And ff your group was good, they would provide the encouragement to get her going.

But I sense there might be a problem here. You have a "best friend" who is a female and she has the same exact dilemma as you. I bet you both find solace in each other. Am I jumping the gun here? I'm sure you realize that men and women can never really be best friends because there will always be one person who will have romantic feelings for the other person. I sense that you already have feelings for someone else because you wouldn't be on this forum ranting about your girlfriend. 

You built a social life, something that you haven't had for a while, and now feel really great about it. But its that girlfriend of yours that is bringing you down. So why don't you be a good man and provide the inspiration that she requires to get her out of her rut. Take her out with you, have her get dolled up,introduce her to people. If she refuses, you insist that she goes and show that you want her to be with you. She has it in her, she just needs a proper push.

And if you love your girlfriend, I'd think twice about hanging around with your "best friend".


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Alpha said:


> ...So why don't you *be a good man* and *provide the inspiration* that she requires to get her out of her rut. Take her out with you, *have her get dolled up*,introduce her to people. If she refuses, you insist that she goes and show that you want her to be with you. She has it in her, *she just needs a proper push*.
> 
> And if you love your girlfriend, I'd think twice about hanging around with your "best friend".


What if he's tried the "proper push"? What if she's just lazy? It sure sounds like it. I mean she sits around in filth all day...

I was married to someone like that. It was like pushing a rope.

I would have an honest heart-to-heart and draw a line in the sand. Tell her you can't go on the way things are going, and show her the areas you both need to change. Maybe you two can work out where you see the relationship headed, and where you would like it to be in the next few years. 

In the end, it will be up to her to peel her a55 off of the couch and do something each day. There is only so much inspiring that you can do before the person does something themselves.

Have a idea of how much longer you are willing to put up with things, make one last ditch effort with her on-board, and see if she rides it out. Just don't wait forever.

And ya, maybe less commiserating with the "best friend" who happens to be a girl.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

(I moved the paragraphs around a bit, hope you don't mind)



Alpha said:


> Do you take your girlfriend out with you and your friends? I bet you don't. You too have built a social life and you feel that it has given you plenty of energy and inspiration, but you probably don't share this with your girlfriend. A good group may just be the right catalyst to get her moving. If she was around people who were motivated and goal oriented, she would probably feel out of place but might be enough to want her to do something rather than look like a slacker. And ff your group was good, they would provide the encouragement to get her going.
> 
> You built a social life, something that you haven't had for a while, and now feel really great about it. But its that girlfriend of yours that is bringing you down. So why don't you be a good man and provide the inspiration that she requires to get her out of her rut. Take her out with you, have her get dolled up,introduce her to people. If she refuses, you insist that she goes and show that you want her to be with you. She has it in her, she just needs a proper push.


Over here, no, she doesn't come, because she doesn't want to. I've invited her, they ask me to bring her, but she doesn't want to come. There is one of my friends who I've known since high school, and my gf will come out when the three of us go for dinner. This friend (female) has suggested that the two of them just go and do stuff together, but every time she texts and says she has an idea, my gf says no. 

Over in the UK, most of the time we socialized it was with my friends - as I said before, most of the people she'd known before me had moved away, and the two or three that still lived close by she never made any effort to see. Before she worked with her parents even *they* complained that she never called or visited them enough, and it was again a few stops on the train or a 15 minute drive in the car! 

She says she misses office politics and social group politics, and before redundancy would be actively out with workmates. I don't know where that motivation has gone. She was a lot more feisty when I first met her, she has mellowed considerably. Just doesn't seem to want to get going and do stuff any more. Again, this has been going on for over six years and it didn't used to be like this.

I don't know what more inspiration I can provide. I want to take her out, go and do stuff, but half the time she just _doesn't want to go_. I can't force her! She will not be forced into anything she doesn't want to do, neither I nor her family can force her, we know she will resist. So instead she seems happy to just stay where she is. It baffles me, because when she *does* go out she almost always has a great time, and is talking about it for days afterwards.



> But I sense there might be a problem here. You have a "best friend" who is a female and she has the same exact dilemma as you. I bet you both find solace in each other. Am I jumping the gun here? I'm sure you realize that men and women can never really be best friends because there will always be one person who will have romantic feelings for the other person. I sense that you already have feelings for someone else because you wouldn't be on this forum ranting about your girlfriend.
> 
> And if you love your girlfriend, I'd think twice about hanging around with your "best friend".


You're not jumping the gun there at all, I know what an emotional affair is.  If you go by the criteria here, we each check off all the boxes except 7, 8 and 18. 

I think it's because I've been alone in this situation for so long (six years) and not really trusted any of my friends (male or female) enough to talk openly and frankly about what's been going on and what to do about it, that I finally have someone who understands is of great relief and comfort. She and found we were very compatible friends even before we started talking about the problems in our love lives. 

I am 'ranting' because our issues have been going on for so long and I feel I'm running out of options to try. Nothing seems to be working, she doesn't seem to be responding, and is content to let things continue like this indefinitely.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

When she was my live-in girlfriend, my wife was similar. She had no real ambition and never held a real job in her entire life. I provided the spark to get her going. I enrolled her in computer class, bought her an interview suit and made her go to interviews. One day she landed a job as a customer service agent in a bank and did very well with it. She then built a new social life around work mates and thus started her work career. When she wanted to shift careers, I encouraged her and supported her along the way. She built a name for herself and even surpassed me earning more money.....that's when things spiraled for us !! Ha Ha. But that story is unrelated in this thread.

It can be done, but yes, the person has to want it, and sometimes all it takes is the right push to get the wheels moving.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

testpilot if all seems lost, then you need to come up with a different strategy. You don't get a mule to move but trying to drag it. 

You know she wasn't this way before so she probably still has it in her to be the way she was when you first met. Right now she feels no self worth and that has morphed into being lazy. Heck she can't even put up a fight with you she is so lazy! 

Try a different strategy and if it doesn't work, then bring in the bazooka as the last straw.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I appreciate all the input, Alpha. Can you suggest some strategies I could try? 

If it helps understand her at all, she was a tomboy and not very academic, but wanted to be independent and get a job as soon as possible after high school. Both her sisters (she is the middle) were more studious and are both quite successful. 

She seems to be easily discouraged or otherwise loses interest: her younger sister, her, and I all started learning to drive at the same time. The sister and I both passed the written test, she failed and didn't bother trying again. We stuck with it and soon passed our road tests, she never really tried again.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

How much do you love your girlfriend? Ask yourself that question, dig deep and find the honest answer. If you think she has it in her to bring back her old self, then set a plan and give it a try. If you truly think you will be wasting your time, then give her the boot.

If you plan to stick with her, you are going to need lots of patience and plenty of hand holding. You are going to have to coax her without coming off as condescending or worst yet, controlling. Its a fine line. I was accused by my ex as controlling. I saw she had the talent and I probably pushed her too hard at some points. She has done well but you don't want her thinking that about you, because once she feels you are too bossy, she will retreat even more.

Hand hold. Change your diet and swim together. Looking good physically is the quickest way to boost ego. Encourage and even insist that she goes out socially with you. She likes it even if she says she is lazy to go out again. Once she gets in the groove, she won't turn you down anymore. 

Its all about building her ego and having her gain confidence. It won't be easy. You will have to be the motivating factor and she will have to feed off you.

And you are going to need to keep your "best friend" in check. You can't do any of this with her in your mind. 

You are 33 years old and still very young. Internally give yourself maybe 6-8 months to get your plan to action but really make the effort. If it fails and she resists changing, then get rid of her and move on with your life. You won't feel guilty about anything and you can tell yourself that you honestly gave it your best try.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I bought a book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which gives a series of questions about your relationship, and if you answer strongly to one of them then the author recommends you leave. I'm about halfway through it and finally encountered one where I said 'yes' almost immediately.

I am feeling so down today. Once again the kitchen has several days worth of dirty dishes in it, and the more I read about 'roommate marriages' the more I realize we are one step away from being in one (there is still the occasional physical affection, but even that is now only one step past what friends might share). She was up until almost 3am last night, so here it is, just before noon, she's still in bed. 

I feel like I'm on the brink of crying over the frustration of it all. I remember when we met not being able to believe this girl was interested in me. 

I had a thought the other day about all this. Her older sister was married with a child but the marriage was crumbling. We think she did the classic desperation tactic of having another child in the hopes that it would fix everything. It didn't, and not long after the new baby was born, they separated. A part of me wonders if I've done something similar bringing her to Canada - a big life change, a new adventure, hoping it would be the big jolt needed to get things firing on all cylinders again. Suffice it to say, it hasn't worked, except the rut is on the other side of the ocean.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry about all of this. 

You sound like a decent person.

I feel that there is something mentally wrong with her & she has many of the symptoms of depression.

Nobody here is qualified to dx her including you.

Now imagine her sitting in a psychiatrist's office saying all of the things you have told us but in this way:

I am lazy.
I don't care about my appearance.
I don't drive.
I have no hobbies or interests except TV & reading.
I avoid social situations. I have no friends.
I never graduated from high school. I can take a GED test but I don't want to.
I have no desire to get a job & am content to let my b/f support me.
I don't care about money which translates into I don't care about my financial future.
I don't care about how my actions (or inactions) affect others (being late, etc.).
Cleanliness in my home is not important to me & finally....

I know my b/f is unhappy with me about all of the above but "something" is stopping me from actually doing any of the above even if it means I may lose him.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Thank you Emerald, that's very insightful. 

I've cleared my head by going for a walk, but can't decide if that's stopping me from acting rashly and emotionally, or cooling me down enough that I feel able to cope and then don't do anything about it.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Hello folks. It's been a while. I figured I should give you the thrilling conclusion.

tl;dr: It's over, she's gone.

We had a series of long talks. I told her everything I thought was wrong. I asked if any if it came as a surprise to her, and she said no. I asked if she had any issues with me. No. I should note that each of these exchanges could involve a five, ten or even 15 minute pause between me asking the question and her answering. 

The outcome of these was her saying, "I think this has been coming a while. You've been thinking about it a long time, and I've been putting it off a long time."

We made the decision to call it a day, and both went to call our respective parents to make it official. Shortly afterwards, she said that she was going home to the UK as there was nothing for her here now. This was the end of June. I continued on with my life, seeing my friends, enjoying the summer. She dithered around making very little in the way of preparations, even leaving it rather late to book her flight. She wanted boxes to put stuff in, but only went as far as the nearby post office for (tiny) boxes until I insisted she come to Home Depot for proper sized ones of which she ended up needing the majority. I also started apartment hunting both for myself and for places which would accommodate my best friend too. Her own relationship was slowly breaking apart too, but more slowly as she tried to hold it together, and she told me not to screw myself up trying to wait for her to be ready, so I found a place of my own for September.

I had long ago booked a week away in August, a week before my gf left. She said she would use that time to separate all our stuff and be ready when I came back for the final week before her flight home.

I had my week away and came back to find she'd done some, but not all, of her packing of stuff into boxes what wouldn't fit in her suitcases. During the final week we carried on like this wasn't the end. We went for dinner, went for drinks, walks, the usual stuff. The final full day we had, I took her to the CNE where we indulged in food, went on rides, petted animals, watched the parades, took photos together, the whole bunch. In retrospect it was the perfect way to do it: we had one final day of the way we used to be, a final day to be nothing but happy, carefree memories.

The following day we went to one of our favourite restaurants for lunch and then back to the apartment for her to do frantic last minute packing, up to the moment the airport limo arrived. We had a comfortable, air conditioned ride holding hands to the airport, checked her in, and then retired to a bar before security for farewell drinks. By this point it was not longer possible to deny the clock was ticking and I started getting emotional (NB: I have never seen her cry). Boarding for her flight started and it was finally the moment of truth. Standing by the entrance of security, I'd managed to stop crying. She told me we were like Jerry (Seinfeld) and Elaine: the relationship hadn't worked, but the friendship would, and it was a shame she was moving back across the Atlantic because of that. That simple but insightful statement was and still is of great comfort to me. We kissed goodbye and then she joined the line for security. I watched until she left, we texted back and forth until she disappeared behind the partition.

There was nothing left to do then but leave the airport. I walked to the airport express bus stop, waited for it to come, rode it to the subway, rode the subway home, went to bed. At one point a friend (the one whose apartment I'd ended up taking) texted and realized what bad timing they had, but still went on a rant about relationships. The whole trip home I played the songs on my iPod I'd felt came to define the whole breakdown. I had a thousand yard stare. I'd never felt like this before or since. I think if anyone had gotten in my way or hassled me, I'd have snapped. I'd just watched a huge part of my entire adult life get on a plane.

The following day I packed as much as I could, and went to stay for a few nights at another friends' house in another city, where I swam and laughed and ate and generally gave the rest of mind mind time to process what had happened in my subconscious. However, when I came back home and moving day came, a friend's husband who came to help (they had a van) later remarked that I was extremely distant and 'out of it'.

I was in my new place. My best friend's relationship came apart not long after and she tried to avoid being home whenever her boyfriend was, which suited us both find as we got valuable time together talking out our respective pains and emotions. I tried to start a new course at college but my head and heart weren't in it. I got a job instead, where I am still today. I had two dates with a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman but I fear it was probably too soon for me, and I never heard from her again.

Fast forward to today. I'm still working full time, albeit as a permatemp. I dated another woman for a month but something didn't seem right and I broke it off. I'm more hopeful about another one I've just met, however. My best friend went straight into a rebound relationship and has unhappily been with this person for five months, not enjoying herself but unable to let go. My ex's stuff is still here, in boxes. She asked me to hold it for a while. Given the relationship ended in June and she left at the end of August, I'm now feeling like a moron for not remembering part of the reason why everything fell apart, and I am now having it sent ASAP whether she's ready for it or not (it will be two months in transit anyway). I've started living more healthy, getting more exercise, and have lost 20lbs and am now in probably the best shape I've been in since I finished university.

I'm slowly putting my life back together. Some days I miss her or dream about her but I know that if she came back tomorrow, what would have changed? Once the initial thrill of 'I missed you!' wore off, the day to day problems would still be present and just as unpleasant.

Thanks for reading.


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