# Okay... I got one for you...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Not a relationship question ... just wondering how other people would feel about this if their SO was wanting/dreaming/madly in love with this ideal.....

My wife is a foreigner and has been in the states for about 8 years. (much of our problems i believe stem from differing perspectives from different cultures and upbringing)

She is now a citizen. She has always wanted a job that would allow her to travel. Significantly. When I say travel, the dream would not be for an occasional business trip, but for being stationed in other countries for periods of time. 

She happened to find a posting about a job offered through the government... called a Foreign Services Officer. 

Here's the skinny on the job:

You basically work at embassies in different countries, liasing with the local government and other citizens in that particular country, also helping with visas and stuff. the job pays for room and board, travel, and will even bring the family if there is one. however, the job pays a low entry level wage, around 40k to start, and doesn't guarantee job placement for the spouse. Education for the kids should be taken care of as well. 

The stationed post will change every three years, offering a different country. In a rotation of three countries, 1 of the 3 will be a "hardship post" ... a location in which you would be stationed in a third world country, one with limited healthcare, schooling, jobs, etc.... This is a post where your family isn't able to come. SO, kids, etc... can't come. 

If your spouse came to you with this interest, and was soo passionate about it, it being their long hoped dream, and wanted you to acquiesce to it... what would you do. What are the thoughts running through your head. Would you say heck no, or would you be excited about the opportunity to experience other cultures? How would you deal with the "hardship" post?

Just wondering what other peoples thoughts are...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm not the right person to ask...

that's a great job, and it's a hard job to get -- very competitive. I think it'd be great. I mean, really, what are you giving up? The chance to get the latest stereo? You'll be experiencing all kinds of cultures, ones that most of us never get to see.

And if you say no, then she'll either leave you, or always resent it.

Told you I was the wrong person to ask.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Oh, that sounds wonderful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A job with a mandatory 3 year period of separation? Sorry, I'd have to veto. Other than that it sounds cool. But I'm not going to be alone with the kids for 3 years. I'm not going to be sexless for 3 years. I'm not going to be wondering who she's hooking up with overseas for 3 years. I'm not going to wait 3 years to find out when she comes back that she doesn't love me anymore. Nope, not going to do it. In my book, married people live together. Period.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

lamaga said:


> And if you say no, then she'll either leave you, or always resent it.


Yeah - that is a risk. The problem is THREE years without the family. Ugh! Your domestic life and relationship could take quite a hit. I don't know if I could/would do that.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Do you mean family isn't allowed to go on hardship posts, or that they aren't paid for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Exactly, Lyris...he didn't specify which country's foreign service he was talking about, but I've never heard of one in which family was verboten, unless it was a special assignment to someplace dire, in which case it probably wouldn't last three years.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Do you mean family isn't allowed to go on hardship posts, or that they aren't paid for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





lamaga said:


> Exactly, Lyris...he didn't specify which country's foreign service he was talking about, but I've never heard of one in which family was verboten, unless it was a special assignment to someplace dire, in which case it probably wouldn't last three years.


well, they discourage it... it's a "hardship post" for a reason... they certainly won't have room and board for the family, and it would be next to impossible to find adequate schooling for the kids, and employment for the SO. i'm sure the family "could" go, but man... what a challenge. and the kids...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I cannot imagine a better education for kids than to see the real world. Still, your choice.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

am i really that closed minded? 

i really would have thought more people would have been against this... 

i mean, my wife would have to be the sole provider, and any sort of legit career i could have would go to the crapper everytime i have to pick up and move....

being without a relationship for a few years is a huge no for me, especially when you throw in the kid factor. 

i mean, how would you deal with that?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hey, what about me??? I'm behind you Matt. But admittedly only because of the separation during the hardship post. That would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You seem deadset against it, so that's what you are. It's okay, it doesn't really matter what we think.

I think you are being very closed-minded, but I'm not you. So do what you think is best. and btw, the hardship postings are one out of three, which means you may not even face this issue for another 6-7 years.

If you can't, you can't.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

the bummer thing is it sounds fun... if it wasn't so against every grain in my body... 

figure that one out. 

but yeah, she would love that, and i am worried about her resenting me for it. she brings it up all the time, and i tell her that i don't want any part of that... she'd have to walk away to get there. 

of course, we are at odds right now for other reasons, but i guess this is my way of looking at myself and trying to figure out what "normal" means to most people... 

i know that's for me/us to decide together, but i've always been a fan of opinion input... even if it's dead wrong.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

and then at the same time, i think about just letting her go for it, and if she does get it, then we'll deal... if not, then she know's it's an option out... 

i guess at this point i wouldn't be so opposed to it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Is this all theoretical? Or has she passed the exam?

Big difference.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nope wouldn`t work for me.

I work to live, I don`t live to work.

I`ve already turned down more than one job at the absolute peak of my profession with the salary to match due to the time and distance away from my family.

Depends on what your priorities are, mine are my family.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

oh, this is just a want. a strong want.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I would suggest.. talking to your spouse about it.. letting her know EXACTLY how you feel and have her consider what you and the kids will be giving up if she goes with this "dream" job. I don't think this is something only an hour discussion can resolve... you two will probably have to sit and talk about it seriously for several days, perhaps weeks or even months before she makes the decision. There will be jobs like this so she doesn't "HAVE" to rush into it.. nor should she assume it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. The longer you two have to discuss it.. the better imo.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, I cannot imagine a better education for kids than to see the real world. Still, your choice.


I`m not dragging my kids to some third world **** hole, exposing them to who knows what and possibly financially destroying myself in the process so they can experience "culture".

My wife wouldn`t even come to me with this offer, she`d turn it down before she ever told me she received it.

I live here and not there because of the culture.

Edit:

Actually I`d be pretty pissed at my wife for even considering the ****storm this would throw me and the kids in.

Talk about a selfish act.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If this job was my husband's passion, I would move heaven and earth to get it for him.

What an amazing, different kind of life you could lead. And maybe it wouldnt be forever, maybe after six or nine years your wife would be ready to move to something more settled. You might find a new passion or career for yourself, also. 

Three years in a developing country would be so much more educational than three years in school for any child. Do you have children right now? My only caveat would be that under five year olds probably shoudnt go to countries that have a lot of malaria, as they can't take the anti-malarial medication.

I have to say that off I was as passionate about something as your wife is and my husband said, sorry, you'll have to walk away, I would walk away. No question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> am i really that closed minded?
> 
> i really would have thought more people would have been against this...
> 
> ...


Is she actually asking you to consider this or is this a hypothetical?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, Tac, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I would suggest.. talking to your spouse about it.. letting her know EXACTLY how you feel and have her consider what you and the kids will be giving up if she goes with this "dream" job. I don't think this is something only an hour discussion can resolve... you two will probably have to sit and talk about it seriously for several days, perhaps weeks or even months before she makes the decision. There will be jobs like this so she doesn't "HAVE" to rush into it.. nor should she assume it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. The longer you two have to discuss it.. the better imo.


all been done. like i said, it's not a relationship question... rather a "what would you do"... in fact, we have been talking about this for probably 2 to 3 years... off and on... it's a BIG deal to her, and a BIG deal to me on a totally opposite levels. 

if you've read any of my other posts, the more i dissect our relationship, the more i think it has to do less with the Nice Guy effect, and more the fact that we are just worlds apart on how we think about things.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Okay, Tac, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


What..again??



Edit:

Besides, my daughter wouldn`t survive 5 minutes without the internet.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I`m not dragging my kids to some third world **** hole, exposing them to who knows what and possibly financially destroying myself in the process so they can experience "culture".
> 
> My wife wouldn`t even come to me with this offer, she`d turn it down before she ever told me she received it.
> 
> ...


totally with you on this one... however, it's important to examine what's "normal" to each other... my normal is probably so against what she would want, and of course you know her's for me.... if you could guarantee me a good career, and a relationship where she showed me the attention and affection that i deserve, AND that there were no hardship posts ... i'd do this in a heartbeat.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well... if your really against it and uncomfortable... stick to your guns on that... you have good reasons not to want her to follow through with this. Of course.. if you do go along with it... then you won't have to worry about her being resentful... instead you may end up being the resentful one.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ touche


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I can relate on a couple of levels, my husband is an officer in the Army & is gone for long periods of time.
One deployment was almost 16 months long, luckily we saw each other for about 10 days during that time.
He's going to be about 10 months this time. 
My husband's career is very important to him, I knew this when I met him.
In 2011 he was going to get out of the Army but decided to stay in after we discussed all the options.
I've never resented the life we have, this is the choice I willingly made.
I also don't resent the chaos the military causes in our lives, the only thing I resent is the attitude employers have towards military spouses.
If your wife gets the job & you stay with her, you have to do so willingly, you can't harbor resents or it will eat away at your marriage.
I've seen it happen & it's like watching a festering wound get worse every day while someone says "it's just a scratch."


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> totally with you on this one... however, it's important to examine what's "normal" to each other... my normal is probably so against what she would want, and of course you know her's for me.... if you could guarantee me a good career, and a relationship where she showed me the attention and affection that i deserve, AND that there were no hardship posts ... i'd do this in a heartbeat.


I understand completely.

If it were I and my wife with no kids in a good solid relationship.
I`d toss it all and follow her to the ends of the Earth to fulfill any dream she had.

But it`s not just us, I`ve got a kid here and not just any kid, she`s outstanding and so deeply passionately involved in so much in her life here that something like this could do nothing but harm her.

It would destroy her.
It would absolutely kill the exceptional motivation she has always had to excel at whatever she chooses to do.
She wouldn`t be the same child after all was said and done.
She`d be far less than what she is and I`m not going there.

Want to talk about resentment?

The resentment she`d hold for my wife for forcing her to do this would be legion.
The resentment she`d hold for me for not putting a stop to it would be close to the same.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lyris said:


> If this job was my husband's passion, I would move heaven and earth to get it for him.
> 
> What an amazing, different kind of life you could lead. And maybe it wouldnt be forever, maybe after six or nine years your wife would be ready to move to something more settled. You might find a new passion or career for yourself, also.
> 
> ...


Don't forget, you're not invited to 3 years of this little party. So you would be ok with being left behind for 3 years with the kids while your husband went by himself to live in a 3rd world country. And the fact that your husband wants to leave for 3 years without you and the kids is fine as well. Interesting.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

tacoma said:


> What..again??
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Plenty of developing countries have Internet access. I'm not going to say all do, as I'm not sure, but I know, for example, that volunteers at an orphanage in Tanzania post to Facebook and blogs while they're there. My sister emailed us regularly from a village in Cambodia where she was helping to build a school. my brother skyped us from Chad and Kenya.

I think maybe you're amplifying the difficulties of living in developing countries in your head. I'm not saying its easy, but it's not necessarily hell on earth either,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't forget, you're not invited to 3 years of this little party. So you would be ok with being left behind for 3 years with the kids while your husband went by himself to live in a 3rd world country. And the fact that your husband wants to leave for 3 years without you and the kids is fine as well. Interesting.



This has been addressed. Families are not forbidden from going, it's a choice. I'd go, no question, so I wouldn't need to be okay with being left for three years.

And could everyone stop saying 3rd world country? The term is developing country/nation and had been for at least a decade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Man... my first thought was: missionaries for different churches do this all the time. They don't have a salary, they have to raise money themselves, quite often, to have their living expenses taken care of. And this is often in third world countries, and taking their family (kids included) to these locations. 

That said, I couldn't do it. And, if it meant being separated from my spouse for a year, two years, three years? HELL NO! I can't stand being apart from my husband even one NIGHT, let alone 1095 nights! No way, no how.

ETA: Sorry, I guess I need to be politically correct: "developing country"


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I think maybe you're amplifying the difficulties of living in developing countries in your head. I'm not saying its easy, but it's not necessarily hell on earth either,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Naw, actually I was just being funny.

Obviously I have more work to do on my funniness.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Three years is a long time. I am a military spouse and have been left behind many times. The longest was 16 months. The longest 16 months of my life. If you have young children that you would be responsible for, it is that much harder. During the longest deployment, I considered leaving my husband. We had email, internet, phone calls. But the day to day support you need of a co-parent was not there. And it wore me down. After my husband retires, I will absolutely not be okay with him having a job that requires travel without me for anything longer than a conference. I will not be forced into a situation where I have all the disadvantages of being a single parent and none of the (few, I admit) advantages.

Perhaps this can be tabled until the children are grown. A second career perhaps. Then you could be free to travel together.

The thing is, the entire family's needs should come first. Adults have to make sacrifices for their family. Would she really be fine with being absent from her children's young lives for 3 years? I have had to make sacrifices to keep my family intact. I had to give up on some career wants and postpone others. I'll probably always have a twinge of regret, "What if...?" But the sacrifice for my children's well being.....totally worth it.


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