# Messy,lazy wife..help



## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

My wife is messy and lazy when it comes to housework. Been married for 12 years, together for 18. We both work full time jobs,same hours . She has always been a bit lazy with housework and cleaning up after herself but over the past few years it has gotten worse. And from what I can see,the reason it has gotten worse is because she is always on her phone. Facebook, games,social media. She will sit on the couch for hours a day ,head down looking at her phone. Meanwhile, I'm helping kids with homework, doing dishes ,cleaning bathrooms, etc. I also pay all the bills. I'm not perfect and I have my own faults but this is getting out of hand.
I have talked to her before about how she is always on her phone. About how I need help doing housework. She gets defensive. Usually she ends up saying she will help more but never does. Example, we had a big argument about how I feel like everything is on me. She said she will start helping more. We both walked downstairs together and she sat down on the couch with her phone while I went to the kitchen to clean up from dinner.
What should I do??? I'm I actually enabling her behavior by doing the work myself? Should I just hire someone to come clean once a week? Looking for advise here. It's getting harder for me to bite my tongue and I don't want any more arguing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, if you can afford it, yes, I think a house cleaner can really alleviate stress if you're both working full time. I work full time and have a cleaner once a month, but I am considering switching to twice a month. And I work from home! 

Still, your wife is wrong. I suggest just not doing what you're doing for a week and let her see how things pile up and then maybe she'll realize what she's doing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

IMO, part of this is a FOO issue. One of my sisters was a slob, I mean gross -call the health department- slob. Guess what kind of housekeeper she became. My other sister, was almost as bad, but when she moved into her own place, it completely changed. So, to a certain degree look to her childhood. If she was a slob as a child, then getting her to change will be that much more difficult, and I'd hire a cleaning service.

The second thing, who the hell is she communicating with? She's neglecting her H and her kids all for the sake of whoever she's chit-chatting with on the phone. Based on what you say I have no way of knowing, but it is most definitely something you need to find out. It's not snooping on your wife, it is protecting your marriage.

Years ago, when I begged my ex to get off the phone and help me with the house and kids, he told me I should be grateful that he came home at night, because he knew a lot of men who didn't.

Did I mention he was my ex?


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## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> IMO, part of this is a FOO issue. One of my sisters was a slob, I mean gross -call the health department- slob. Guess what kind of housekeeper she became. My other sister, was almost as bad, but when she moved into her own place, it completely changed. So, to a certain degree look to her childhood. If she was a slob as a child, then getting her to change will be that much more difficult, and I'd hire a cleaning service.
> 
> The second thing, who the hell is she communicating with? She's neglecting her H and her kids all for the sake of whoever she's chit-chatting with on the phone. Based on what you say I have no way of knowing, but it is most definitely something you need to find out. It's not snooping on your wife, it is protecting your marriage.
> 
> ...


She belongs to these neighborhood mom pages on Facebook. They are always gossiping about drama. She also does stuff with girl scouts and coordinates things. I've seen her texting with friends. I'm not concerned with who she is talking with,its how much. Constantly scrolling through Facebook.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Stop doing the work for a week and let her see how much of it you are doing and that it is an unfair amount. Any time she is on her phone, sit down with YOUR phone right beside her. When something needs to be done (like the kids ask when's dinner) then turn to her and say "your turn" or "I'll flip you for it" - might make her aware that there are things that need to be done and she's not doing her share.

Can you ask her to set aside a set time for social media? An hour between 8pm and 9pm or whatever works best for your family?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you haven't already, divide the chores. She cooks, you clean the kitchen after. She washes clothes, you put them away. She bathes the kids, you help with homework.

Then just do your part. Period. She doesn't cook? Bring home take out for you and the kids. She doesn't wash clothes? Nothing for you to put away.

Let her chores pile up but DO NOT do them yourself.


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## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Stop doing the work for a week and let her see how much of it you are doing and that it is an unfair amount. Any time she is on her phone, sit down with YOUR phone right beside her. When something needs to be done (like the kids ask when's dinner) then turn to her and say "your turn" or "I'll flip you for it" - might make her aware that there are things that need to be done and she's not doing her share.
> 
> Can you ask her to set aside a set time for social media? An hour between 8pm and 9pm or whatever works best for your family?


Setting aside a time for phone use could be a good idea. I think I will bring that up. I have been putting my phone in one place in the house and leaving it there in hopes she notices that I don't use mine. I'm not sure if she is noticing but at least it's forced me to spend more quality time with our girls , and actually there is a feeling of freedom while not having my phone attached to me constantly. 
As far as allowing housework to pile up, I will try that. I am a neat freak so this may be difficult. I do feel like I might be enabling her behavior when I continue to be the one to clean up after people.


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## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> If you haven't already, divide the chores. She cooks, you clean the kitchen after. She washes clothes, you put them away. She bathes the kids, you help with homework.
> 
> Then just do your part. Period. She doesn't cook? Bring home take out for you and the kids. She doesn't wash clothes? Nothing for you to put away.
> 
> Let her chores pile up but DO NOT do them yourself.


I think this is good advise. Thanks


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Would your wife agree to splitting duties around the house. For example, if she cooks then you wash dishes. If you cook she washes dishes. Or another thought, cook dinner together, clean up together. See if there is a way she will agree to being a part so that you are not doing all the work. Talk about it and see what she will agree to doing. If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper but keep the daily agreement of sharing responsibility.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Set up a rule for the family that there is no screentime if chores aren't done. So the kids can't watch TV or play on devices until they have done their homework and their chores are finished. Then the same has to go for the adults, so you aren't hypocrites.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife does the same thing. Won't do a damn thing around the house, made me do everything. Finally I stopped and did NOTHING, wouldn't pay bills even though we had the money to pay them twice over. I figured if she won't do anything neither will I. So after a couple months of the house being an undescribable mess, the kids not being fed, forclosure notices coming from the mortgage company and the electricity being shut off, she finally got the message. All I wanted is for her to do her share and I had to go to this extreme to get her to do that.


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## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My wife does the same thing. Won't do a damn thing around the house, made me do everything. Finally I stopped and did NOTHING, wouldn't pay bills even though we had the money to pay them twice over. I figured if she won't do anything neither will I. So after a couple months of the house being an undescribable mess, the kids not being fed, forclosure notices coming from the mortgage company and the electricity being shut off, she finally got the message. All I wanted is for her to do her share and I had to go to this extreme to get her to do that.



How are things now? Is your situation improved?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My wife does the same thing. Won't do a damn thing around the house, made me do everything. Finally I stopped and did NOTHING, wouldn't pay bills even though we had the money to pay them twice over. I figured if she won't do anything neither will I. So after a couple months of the house being an undescribable mess, the kids not being fed, *forclosure notices coming from the mortgage company* and the electricity being shut off, she finally got the message. All I wanted is for her to do her share and I had to go to this extreme to get her to do that.


That IS extreme!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think there are many important aspects to this, aspects other than housework.

She is immersed in her social media, which means that that is for much of her day her primary social involvement. This detaches her from the social life of her marriage and family, which is a dangerous path to be on for her and the rest of you.

I wouldn't focus on the issue of chores. I would tell her that she is on her phone too much to be healthy for her family life. I would insist that she cut it way down. Make it clear that she doesn't manufacture trips outside the home so that she can give you the slip and get her social media fix.

I would be firm on this. If she takes it seriously and reengages with her family, I would then watch to see what happens with the rest of it. I expect that she will naturally begin to be more responsible with chores, etc., once she has her headspace free of her alternate social world.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow, that's incredible. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night with the mortgage company sending notices!😬 So glad it worked out for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She probably wouldn't even notice if you stopped doing chores until she was knee deep in garbage. How about you take your girls out for dinner every night for a week and leave her at home. Then help the girls with their homework and any story time. Completely ignore her as she does you. Plus, there are no dishes for you to clean. She might notice the absence of her family after a few days.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, if you can afford it, yes, I think a house cleaner can really alleviate stress if you're both working full time.


I am sorry, Second, but this is just dumb. They should hire someone to facilitate her playing Farmville is crazy talk.



> I work full time and have a cleaner once a month, but I am considering switching to twice a month. And I work from home!


I don't know your scene. I have no particular problem with hiring a cleaner. But to facilitate someone dorking around by hiring a cleaner is nuts.



> Still, your wife is wrong. I suggest just not doing what you're doing for a week and let her see how things pile up and then maybe she'll realize what she's doing.


Yes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You know that it will be all his fault that the house is a pig sty if he lets the chores go.

One thing that might get her attention (I believe it's been mentioned on TAM, before) is that the OP take pictures of the pig sty and e-mail them to her family and friends. With enough looks of disgust she might get the message.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I was in the exact situation, obviously now I'm getting divorced.

What would I have done differently? I would say that perhaps her behavior of ignoring everything is a sign she is unhappy. Perhaps if you considered counselling it may get out some of the hidden issues.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am sorry, Second, but this is just dumb. They should hire someone to facilitate her playing Farmville is crazy talk.
> 
> 
> I don't know your scene. I have no particular problem with hiring a cleaner. But to facilitate someone dorking around by hiring a cleaner is nuts.
> ...


Well, I was not suggesting they hire a cleaner to give her more free time for her games. Just to take the load off HIM somewhat, and giving my general opinion of hiring help if you work full time.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Justbrian said:


> How are things now? Is your situation improved?


This situation improved because I could (and did) something about it. She knew that she couldn't get away without at least helping out somewhat. Our marriage will never be the way it should though.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sorry honey, can't afford our data plans anymore, have to hire a cleaner instead.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The best way would be to divide the chores, with her input of who does what. Then you do yours and ONLY yours. If she really doesn't lift her game you start cooking/cleaning/washing for you and the kids only. When she's hungry and runs out of clothes she might get the hint.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

CTPlay said:


> I was in the exact situation, obviously now I'm getting divorced.
> 
> What would I have done differently? I would say that perhaps her behavior of ignoring everything is a sign she is unhappy. Perhaps if you considered counselling it may get out some of the hidden issues.


She might simply be lazy, but counselling might be worth looking into either way. I notice I spend more time distracting myself when i'm feeling blue, usually for me it's books, but screen time would substitute.

you could also try limiting your data plan and turning off the wifi until chores and homework are done.....for the kids


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Justbrian said:


> Example, we had a big argument about how I feel like everything is on me. She said she will start helping more. We both walked downstairs together and she sat down on the couch with her phone while I went to the kitchen to clean up from dinner.


What do you see wrong with the scenario you just painted that I copied? I'm curious if you can see it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think she is unhappy and depressed, escaping into her own world and ignoring the drudgery of real life with I assume a job she doesn't particularly like. I would compliment her, try to go out, and see if some positivity helps.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> She might simply be lazy, but counselling might be worth looking into either way. I notice I spend more time distracting myself when i'm feeling blue, usually for me it's books, but screen time would substitute.
> 
> you could also try limiting your data plan and turning off the wifi until chores and homework are done.....for the kids


I'd say if she's lazy and you try to honestly see if she's unhappy, that kinda error is workable.

But if she's unhappy and you try to work her for more chores, that error is much more serious.


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## Justbrian (Oct 30, 2015)

I should add that her sister and her mom are the same way. Her sister is probably worse. When my wife was growing up, her parents had cleaning services do their house work. I've known my wife since I was 19. I remember how strange it was for me the first time I saw strangers cleaning her house while the two of us were watching TV. My wife thought it was normal


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Some other tips that might be applied here:

1. Is the mess partly due to organisation. Can you create a space, corner for her papers and other necessities. I can see where Girl Scouts could create a lot of paperwork. 

My husband's a mess and when I first moved in with him, he was very precious about my touching / organising his things. I finally got boxes and magazine holder and put similar items together. He finally got used to it and the place is easier to keep neat now.

2. I've decided that anything that I buy for the kitchen is dishwasher safe AND microwave friendly. That might cut down on some of the mess.

3. I do the laundry while watching TV with my husband. So we're in the same room together and I'm still getting something done.

I agree with the others, your wife's surfing time needs to be brought under control. Maybe treat it like an addiction where she gradually rolls back the amount of time that she's on it.

Hopefully, you two can make these changes together.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If she grew up with a housecleaner maybe she doesn't know how to get started or feels overwhelmed. I know when I feel overwhelmed with housework, I kind of get paralyzed where to start. There is an app I really like that gets me jumpstarted. It's called Motivated Moms and it lists tasks for everyday. When you complete a task, you check it off. It's not overwhelming at all. I know a lot of people like Flylady.net too.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She works, you work so hire a housekeeper. If she didn't work then I agree she needs to step it up. My main concern would be that she is being an involved Mom. The house will be fine a little messy but kids need their Mom.


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