# I've Been Abusive



## Aequo Animo (Jun 15, 2009)

I’ve been emotionally abusive to my wife over the past few years and it might lead to us breaking up. I just started seeing a counselor but I don’t want to waste another day! Can anyone recommend some web-sites, books, programs on how a person goes about changing and stopping abusive behaviors? There’s lots of stuff out there for the victims but I can’t find much to help me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Good for you for trying to change. I'd encourage you to see a medical doctor, too, and get screened for ADHD. My son has it and his behavior is classic of an abuser--he acts on every impulse and then feels so bad about it later. He's just 19 now but we have had many conversations about this, and his ADHD meds make a HUGE difference in his ability to act like a loving family member. I haven't seen any research on this, but I suspect there is a strong connection--how else could a kid, at 6 years old, have such a clear pattern? Fortunately, he was 6 and we were adults, and he was verbally abusive, not physically, and we had no younger kids at the time. 

Also, you might try reading something about cognitive-behavioral therapy/cognitive therapy. It will help you understand how thinking can drive your behavior, and you probably have some pretty dangerous assumptions about women and/or relationships--you may be feeling threatened yourself, for example, if you assume "my woman belongs to me," or "my woman is a reflection of me," even if those assumptions are almost unconscious. "The Feel Good Handbook" is one such work, but there are many others out there. 

Best of luck.


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## Aequo Animo (Jun 15, 2009)

Yeah, my counselor thinks it might have something to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family with a mother that was particularly "difficult". There's probably some displaced hurt and anger that I'm directing at my wife.

I know we’ll get to the bottom of my problems but I just hope that not too much damage has been done and my wife can never forgive me for all the hurt I’ve caused. I guess I need help more with healing the damage I’ve caused by being abusive (and not being abusive again in the future).

Suggestions on any books or programs would be helpful.


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## studlyc (Jun 10, 2009)

Now that you've realized that you have been a D!kc. Stop and make it up to her. Start doing all the little things for her, and make her feel like the princess you married. Don't degrade her.

But continue on with your therapy and help yourself become a better happy and positive person. The 1st thing you need to do is work on your self. When you become a better person, your marriage will become better and stronger like you. 

But hopefully you can salvage the damage thats been done to your wife and make it up to her day in and day out. Good job though on recognizing this and to really try to turn things around. Good luck to you and your marriage.


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## Aequo Animo (Jun 15, 2009)

studlyc said:


> Now that you've realized that you have been a D!kc. Stop and make it up to her. Start doing all the little things for her, and make her feel like the princess you married. Don't degrade her.
> 
> But continue on with your therapy and help yourself become a better happy and positive person. The 1st thing you need to do is work on your self. When you become a better person, your marriage will become better and stronger like you.
> 
> But hopefully you can salvage the damage thats been done to your wife and make it up to her day in and day out. Good job though on recognizing this and to really try to turn things around. Good luck to you and your marriage.


That's very good advice and I've been trying. I just hope it's not too late and those feelings she once had for me will return.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

It is good that you have recognized your destructive patterns, and are making best efforts to change. From the soon to be ex-wife of a man who was emotionally abusive: there is no room for a slip up! 

You must stick with your new behavioural patterns, you must earn her trust and respect back, and you must not backslide into old ways. The changes have to be permanent, and you have to be making them for the right reasons - because YOU want to change, not because you are afraid of the marriage ending.


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## Aequo Animo (Jun 15, 2009)

Earthmother1970 said:


> It is good that you have recognized your destructive patterns, and are making best efforts to change. From the soon to be ex-wife of a man who was emotionally abusive: there is no room for a slip up!
> 
> You must stick with your new behavioural patterns, you must earn her trust and respect back, and you must not backslide into old ways. The changes have to be permanent, and you have to be making them for the right reasons - because YOU want to change, not because you are afraid of the marriage ending.


I know the cost of failure and I know success will make me a happier person in general. I won't say I'm doing it 100% for my wife, but she is the motivating factor and her happiness means more to me than anything. I just hope she doesn't give up on me before I can show her how much better things will be.

Has anyone come across a good book about why I might have been abusive and what I can do to stop myself from slipping up?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Amazon.com: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing: Beverly Engel: Books

Try this one


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## Aequo Animo (Jun 15, 2009)

Earthmother1970 said:


> Amazon.com: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing: Beverly Engel: Books
> 
> Try this one


Well now! I think that one just might cover my concerns! (How did I not run across it before???) Thank you!


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

You're welcome - hope it will prove useful.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

You might also want to look at a book about C0-Dependence as from what I understand, this trait can often lead to over-controlling, reactive behaviors. Some of this can stem from your own childhood traumas, but of course gaining insight into your feelings and how to express them without expecting your spouse to fix them will help the most. Good luck and God Bless!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Love Dare.....it teaches you to love and to heal yourself. I can only tell you that God is the ultimate healer. I was a victem of abuse both physical and emotional. My dad was my first abuser and then my mother who neglected me emotionally.....I ended up marrying a man who abused me the most. He almost killed me. Now I am remarried and have forgiven him... My new husband has started abusing me emotionally. There is a chain of abuse for victems too. Think about this....how will your wife survive what you have done to her. You are responsible for protecting her ....she is part of you. Try to think of her as you do yourself.....love her like you love yourself......and love yourself. Try the Love dare book.....it is christian based...but even if you don't have a religious back ground...I promise it is very helpful...both for you and her. I will pray for you and hope that you can find peace. Bless you.


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