# Oh my god..when I thought it couldn't get worse...the plot thickens



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I've posted my situation here already but a quick overview
-wife doesn't want to be with me right now
-she was already seeing someone else
-we're separating
-we still live together because she isn't working now
-2 kids together
-I still love her...too much I'm told

So the new development now is that she's pregnant....I know, crazy right? Not only that, but she doesn't know if myself or the OM is the father...we haven't had a conception date confirmed yet, but the chance is there that it's not mine. 
If the child isn't mine then I'm completely out for good...do not pass Go..do not collect $200, and she knows this and it scares her because she wants to keep the option of us reconciling later there. 
I'm still moving out when we get our finances a little more under control, but what in the holy hell am I supposed to do with this now?????
She told me that she's not sure if she wants to keep the baby if it isn't my child, because she doesn't want a kid with this guy at all (yeah, wrap it up then right) but also because he's not from the state we live in and she thinks he'll try to bolt back to his home state when the child is born....he's already told her that if the child isn't is then he wants nothing to do with her and if it is then he wants custody and she can see the child if he needs her to.

What did I do to deserve this and what should I do now???


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is a lot like the one hyndsight1 found himself in. You might want to read his story. I know he would be supportive of your questions during this difficult time should you choose to PM him.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Yup. This sounds familiar. I'm a little farther into it so if there is anything I can do to help don't hesitate to ask/PM etc.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?

My hunch is that it's his. When women ovulate is when they have the riskiest sex and are most likely to cheat and "forget" condoms.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?


All the reason in the world. Oh, Josh (no offense Atholk), incase you aren't familiar with Atholk, he is a Vulcan; he makes decisions based on logic. You and I know that _nothing_ is 'logical' right now, as much as we would like to believe that.

And about ovulating, my W got away with alot because it was 'that time of the month', but I had to put my foot down here. course I'm fixed, so it kinda took the dance out of my equation.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?


I agree, I'm not sure if I'd take my wife back after everything she has done and is doing to me even though I still love her so much but to me this would seal the deal without a doubt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you expose the affair?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

hyndsight1 said:


> All the reason in the world. Oh, Josh (no offense Atholk), incase you aren't familiar with Atholk, he is a Vulcan; he makes decisions based on logic. You and I know that _nothing_ is 'logical' right now, as much as we would like to believe that.


LOL yes and no. Half my general viewpoint is that we are biologically driven and that logic simply is the intellectual justification tacked on to a decision made else where.

Also it's worth remembering that Vuclans are terribly emotional once you scratch the surface and break the conditioning.

That being said, I'll take "Vulcan" as a compliment.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Well taken Athol, I find your comments refreshing Hope to put some of your advice to good use in the future.......


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

no..nothing is logical at all right now...nothing makes sense and makes sense at the same time. It would be so much easier if I didn't love her so much. 
Now she's fighting with this guy because he told her that she's selfish and demanded she get an abortion.
hyndsight....where can I read the thread at with your situation in it?
I haven't been here long and don't really know the ins and outs of this site yet


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Just go to the Going Through Divorce or Separation forum and look for the thread 'foresight'. 

The conflicting emotions are enough to bring you to your knees. I just touched on this earlier: remember a conversation between you and your W when infidelity was brought up and you may have said "if you ever did that to me, you would be out the door!" Then it happens, and you realize there is no 'on/off switch' for love. Be strong


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

hyndsight1 said:


> The conflicting emotions are enough to bring you to your knees. I just touched on this earlier: remember a conversation between you and your W when infidelity was brought up and you may have said "if you ever did that to me, you would be out the door!" Then it happens, and you realize there is no 'on/off switch' for love. Be strong


This is very true. I realize this seems completely true on an emotional level, but also don't forget that biology is involved in this as well. We do have pair bonding hormones and chemicals running through our veins and there is in a sense an addiction to our partners.

So just like everyone logically knows smoking is bad for you, doesn't mean people can just just go "oh it's bad for me" and quit cold turkey.

That being said, simply hearing from other people "what the hell are you letting happen to yourself" can be very helpful to those in the middle of serious relationship drama. It's by no means instant salvation, but maybe it becomes one piece of the puzzle to turn the tide.

There is no question that marriage crisis is hard. I actually find just reading the board quite stressful at times.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> That being said, simply hearing from other people "what the hell are you letting happen to yourself" can be very helpful to those in the middle of serious relationship drama. It's by no means instant salvation, but maybe it becomes one piece of the puzzle to turn the tide.


:iagree:


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

all of this is very true; the majority of my close friends have asked why I'm still subjecting myself to this and why haven't I broken the door down to throw her out of it, but emotion does play a huge part in this. I was one of those guys who said " Oh if this ever happens to me" but you're right. You can't really say one way or the other until you are confronted with the situation. Obviously when I was confronted with it I did the opposite of what I always said I'd do...hell so did she because she always said that if it ever came to infidelity she'd talk to me about it before she left, and that she'd never do it while still in our relationship.
The thing that is getting me now is mostly about the pregnancy because even if it's not mine; she's still my best friend and I'll still be there to help her through it, but I don't know how to deal with that emotionally.
And god, if it is mine, how am I supposed to deal with moving out of the house from my pregnant wife who doesn't want to be with me and who I love still?
Sometimes life if just terrible lol


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

So if it is yours, will this change her attitude toward your marriage? Is this the 'wake-up call' she needs to leave OM in the dust and put her priorities back where they belong? Do you still have to move out?

If it is'nt, you're right, this is just terrible. I don't think we are programed to deal with these things emotionaly. I'm not nesecarily suggesting this, but what helped me was asking myself 'would I still be_ her _best friend?' 
'do unto others as you would have done to you' right?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

josh1081 said:


> The thing that is getting me now is mostly about the pregnancy because even if it's not mine; she's still my best friend and I'll still be there to help her through it, but I don't know how to deal with that emotionally.
> And god, if it is mine, how am I supposed to deal with moving out of the house from my pregnant wife who doesn't want to be with me and who I love still?
> Sometimes life is just terrible lol


She has been your priority, and you have been her option.

If the baby isn't yours, and you hang around and support the pregnancy, you will be on the hook for child support payments for the kid because you would have been acting like the father. The court will rule in the interests of the child.

You will be frankly surprised at how often a woman will go back to her husband when she's pregnant, then return to the other man if the baby is biologically the other man's. The husband will still very likely have to pay child support for the life of the child if that happens.

There's really no option here as to what you need to do. This is a course of action you have to take that your wife has forced upon you. She simply does not love you an ounce when she's having unprotected sex with other men.

Every fiber of your being is going to scream to stay with her because your half of the pair bond is still functional. You see her pregnant and you probably get an oxytocin surge bonding you to her even closer. I get almost comically "clucky" around my pregnant female friends and I'm not even screwing them I'm so sensitive to this effect.

The solution to your emotional state and conditioned attachment to her is to move away from her. I'm pretty sure a few weeks apart is going to clear your mind and allow you to gain that objective clarity that "everyone else sees about the situation".


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> And god, if it is mine, how am I supposed to deal with moving out of the house from my pregnant wife who doesn't want to be with me and who I love still?
> Sometimes life if just terrible lol


E feel really sorry for you. I don't understand how you still love her? She is just being a selfish person playing around with your feelings , and other men feelings. Give her time , and space. She really doesn't know what she wants, and where she belongs.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Deb* said:


> E feel really sorry for you. I don't understand how you still love her? She is just being a selfish person playing around with your feelings , and other men feelings. Give her time , and space. She really doesn't know what she wants, and where she belongs.


Who cares what she wants. Unprotected sex with a lover resulting in pregnancy can equal tens of thousands of dollars of child support payments for the husband spread out over the next 18 years. Not to mention the betrayal and emotional damage inflicited.

If this was something that men could do to women there would be jail terms. Instead "giving her time and space" are options. Seriously.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> If this was something that men could do to women there would be jail terms


Look up the definition of 'criminal' and see how close she comes to fitting the profile



> She simply does not love you an ounce when she's having unprotected sex with other men.


Should actually read 'she does not love her family an ounce'. This is the part that got me: betray me, lie to me, cheat on me, I WILL deal with it. Do that to our kids....unforgivable. I'm sure you have thought about all the possible side effects of her having unprotected sex. She has put BOTH your lives in danger. Where would that leave your kids?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

hyndsight1 said:


> So if it is yours, will this change her attitude toward your marriage? Is this the 'wake-up call' she needs to leave OM in the dust and put her priorities back where they belong? Do you still have to move out?
> 
> If it is'nt, you're right, this is just terrible. I don't think we are programed to deal with these things emotionaly. I'm not nesecarily suggesting this, but what helped me was asking myself 'would I still be_ her _best friend?'
> 'do unto others as you would have done to you' right?


Thanks for taking the time to respond to this hynd...it's nice to have someone not around to speak to about this. 

The way she's been acting around me lately it seems as if she has had her wake up call. She hasn't said out loud that she wants to leave the other guy yet, but she calls him a psycho among other names to me 
I hope it is mine though just for the fact that she is a great mom and I enjoy having children with her. Also it would complicate our lives and our other boys' lives much less to not have to deal with something like this. 
I also can't not be her best friend...I told her that at the end of the day she will at least have that from me...and I also said that you never know about the future and that maybe if I do decide to not get back with her...10 years or so down the road we might both be in a positive enough place to try again...she cried when I said that. She does love and care about me, but not the way she needs to right now to pursue a positive marriage. I know this and she knows that I'm leaving no matter what...for my own mental health. It's just complicating things more internally for me with this pregnancy thing. She's going to go to the doctor soon to get her conception date, and hopefully that will bring us some good news. We don't have the best of luck and I think maybe the powers that be owe us just this one time.
Another addition to my backstory is that my 6 year old isn't my biological child. She got pregnant a few days before we started seeing each other when she was 17. I had alot of mental problems with this after he was born, and that started her mental/emotional decline in our marrige. I don't want to seem blameless in all of this, but 'for better or worse' right? It took me awhile, but I got through it and love that boy just the same as I do of my own flesh. She just didn't feel the same when I finally came around.
I told her that I've raised one child that isn't mine, under completely different circumstances, but I can't do it again; especially under these ones.
We've done some research and we can have a paternity test done between 8-12 weeks, so once we have a conception date and find out how far along she really is then we can have some questions answered. I know it has its risks but this is something that needs to be done.

lastly I got to pg 5 or your foresite thread before I had to tap out for the night lol
That was quite a bit of reading


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> The way she's been acting around me lately it seems as if she has had her wake up call. She hasn't said out loud that she wants to leave the other guy yet, but she calls him a psycho among other names to me
> I hope it is mine though just for the fact that she is a great mom and I enjoy having children with her. Also it would complicate our lives and our other boys' lives much less to not have to deal with something like this.
> I also can't not be her best friend...I told her that at the end of the day she will at least have that from me...and I also said that you never know about the future and that maybe if I do decide to not get back with her...10 years or so down the road we might both be in a positive enough place to try again...she cried when I said that. She does love and care about me, but not the way she needs to right now to pursue a positive marriage.


I could have wrote this about a month ago.....

Good for you with your son, what you have done in raising him shows your strength in character. However, as you point out, these are VERY different circumstances. My prayers are with you concerning the conception date/paternity test.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

testing


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did something happen?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

i couldn't post for a few days because of a problem with the cookies on my computer but now it's working


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

josh1081 said:


> Another addition to my backstory is that my 6 year old isn't my biological child. She got pregnant a few days before we started seeing each other when she was 17.


Wasn't this something not to get yourself involved in?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I didn't know about it until about 3-4 months in, and I had fallen head over heels by then, and didn't want to end something that was so positive to me because of something like that. I know that doesn't make sense but that's how I roll apparently lol


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

No that makes some sense to me. I mean, at the time you were teens and she *just* got pregnant so she may not have known the signs, etc. And she may have denied it at little too for a while. By then, you love her and she loves you, and you think you're being noble as a young man saying you won't leave her "just because of that." 

Sooo... your 6yo has always known of and thought of you as "dad" and the other guy was like a sperm donor kind of.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

exactly what the case is. He doesn't know I'm not his biological dad yet...I'm planning on adopting him and we're going to use that as an opportunity to explain things to him. The BioFather doesn't want anything to do with him. He's signed rights to his first son over and has two others with the girl he's with now. He even called my wife in the hospital after she'd given birth to tell her that he wanted nothing to do with her or the kid....kinda ruthless, but it was for the best.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

l


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

update...conception date is guessed right around when she was having an affair so not good news there. She has a feeling that they're wrong and she didn't conceive when she was having an affair. She has a gut feeling about it and those are usually right.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

this is from a few days ago when my computer was messing up
Well she told me things between them started out unprotected at first but didn't end that way...so they put on a condom before finishing, but I know it only takes one drop from my oldest boy. I'm still moving out once then can get a little more financially set for us but I'm still going to be there to support her through this pregnancy because she doesn't need to be alone through something like this and needs at least one person in her corner, and unless I am there for her she won't have anyone. All of this really came to a head when she lost her job; I don't know if she started to feel completely worthless or what but that's when things started to get to where they are now. She never finished high school because her dad was sent to prison and she had to start working to live on her own and pay the bills. Her mom left when she was 2 and has just recently contacted her to see if they can mend things a little bit...this happened after the affair and didn't affect anything with that...Yeah I hate what she's done but she has been through alot here lately and I can't just wash my hands of her completely. Lol..I've told her many times it would just be easier to hate her and tell her to go take a flying leap but I just can't feel that and don't know if I ever will be able to. Right now would be the time I would be starting to feel that right? And in my head if I don't have that feeling now then I won't have it later. Does that sound right?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

josh1081 said:


> update...conception date is guessed right around when she was having an affair so not good news there. She has a feeling that they're wrong and she didn't conceive when she was having an affair. She has a gut feeling about it and those are usually right.


Also she said she thinks it's going to be a girl and that will absolutely break my heart. When we talked about having more kids awhile back that is what we both wanted to have together and if she ends up having 'our girl' from some other guy she had an affair with I don't think my broken heart could take that kind of a blow...I started crying when she said she had that feeling; just because of how right she is when she has feeling about things.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Josh~ 

I have a few thoughts, just mostly things for you to think about. 

Look at your first post. You wrote: 


> I've posted my situation here already but a quick overview
> -wife doesn't want to be with me right now
> -she was already seeing someone else
> -we're separating
> ...


and


> If the child isn't mine then I'm completely out for good...do not pass Go..do not collect $200, and she knows this and it scares her because she wants to keep the option of us reconciling later there.


You say that recently she's been calling the OM names but hasn't really said she's leaving him...and you say that the conception date is when she was sleeping with another man but "she has a gut feeling." 

Josh, please consider this one thing. You have already proven that if she messes up, you're willing to be responsible for her messes. You've already proven that if she "has a gut feeling" you'll consider letting her avoid the consequence of her choices. So is she *REALLY* working it out with you or is she backing the safest bet and playing you ... so that you will be financially responsible for the child that she made with another man who is irresponsible? 

It's my understanding that in the eyes of "court" if a child is conceived while a couple is married, if the husband begins to support the child financially then for the rest of time the courts will go after him for child support--even if DNA tests were to prove another man is the father! So you are really flirting with fire here based on her "gut feeling" and putting the rest of your life at stake. 

Here are my thoughts. 

The VERY FIRST THING she has to do is end it with the other man, immediately--and I mean no contact at all, ever. I would suggest that you have a little talk with her and say, "_I would like to ask if you're willing to end all contact with the other man right now. This means you will never, ever contact him again and I will write him a note or email to explain so that starting immediately you contact him again in any way. Are you willing to give me access to your email, cell phone, facebook and other accounts so I can verify that you are not contacting him?_" If her answer is anything but a teary yes...then she is playing you and you are being used. She is getting some of her flirty-type, adrenalin Love Kindlers from him and the more dependable, security, and financial Love Kindlers from you. 

Now if she does say yes--YAY! I suspect she may have had a wake up call and with some help you two can work through this. But if she doesn't then you are going to have to do something really hard. You are going to have to let her live with the consequences of her choices--and one of the consequences for example is you don't take her to the doctor--OM does. You don't put your name on the birth certificate until she proves via DNA that it's yours. You don't let her stay living with you and the kids--she moves out and you keep the kids. It's not your problem that she's not working right now; she's a grown woman who slept with another man, so that is HER problem to figure out. Make sense? It's tough because I know you love her, but protecting her from facing her own choices does not help her. It hurts her. 

So let me know how that goes okay?


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Josh: 

All good advice from AC. I know how hard this might sound given your situation, and I can certainly relate to the need you feel to suppoprt her through this. I am still fighting myself feeling honestly BAD for the situation my W is in. It SUCKS. HOWEVER, Every single bit of it is HER fault. Not only do you owe her NOTHING at this point, but theoretically, she owes you BIG. Some people try to rationalize the role the disloyal plays, and I agree, there are some pretty powerfull subconcious things going on, BUT, nothing justifies the extent of this. One night stand? That stings, but we can probably work it out under the right circumstances. Second, third, sixth date? this HURTS. Can we fix it? Maybe. MONTHS of screwing around, lies, deception, pre-meditated, planned, PREGNANT? You have been USED. She deserves what she _chose_, over, and over again. You poured your heart into saving her from a truly dismal situation, and this is your reward: Will she ever value you as highly as you have her?

You started here:

If the child isn't mine then I'm completely out for good...do not pass Go..do not collect $200, 

Now:

And in my head if I don't have that feeling now then I won't have it later. Does that sound right? 

trust your heart first, your head second.

I had a very 'bitter' day as you can tell, sorry for taking it out on your thread........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Josh, no one will hold your feet to the fire if you decide to take her back. That's totally your choice. But what people are saying, I think, is that you don't want to make this decision out of guilt or emotion. You seem to be a really nice, caring person. Sometimes that works against you. Sometimes people are Givers without realizing it - they instinctively sacrifice themselves whenever anyone guilts them or pulls at their heartstrings.

So just be careful not to make promises until you are sure it is what you would have chosen had this not happened.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I guess I shoud clarify supporting a bit. I don't mean pay for things for her and this baby..I just mean that I will be there for her as a friend. If she needs someone to talk to or go with her to an appointment I will do that. I am in no way going to pay for her to take care of someone else's kid. I will do everything I can for my own, but I refuse to help her financially for that situation. She has been doing her best to be as honest as she can with me lately. She tells me things she doesn't want to say and I don't want to hear. She hasn't talked to the OM in over a week. They had a blow out when she told him she was pregnant and it might be his kid. He's 31, career driven, and very self absorbed so he's very much not happy with it. He told her that she either needs to give him the kid, or have an abortion. When she told him it would be selfish to have an abortion he said he hopes she has a miscarriage because she is just ruining other peoples lives and that's not fair to him...I KNOW..the SAME A**HOLE WHO HAD NO PROBLEM HELPING RUINING MY LIFE IS SAYING THIS....sorry...had to go with that feeling 
So now her demeanor towards me has changed 100%..she wants to cuddle and be close to me. We still regularly have sex and say we love each other...hell we talk better and seem to bond better now then ever before..and she even told me tonight that she got a personal ringtone for me on her phone (Stand by Me...old school Bill Withers style) 
I don't want this message to get twisted up because I am not dedicating myself emotionally any more to her. I told her that I am plateauing the way I feel because if I invest more into her then I already am then this will just devastate me more in the long run, and I'm grateful that I've realized that much.
And I will be out if this is not my child...I told her that maybe 10 years down the road we'd be in a place to reconcile, but that wasn't even a given. She was very upset about that and saddened deeply when I said it. 
I don't know, but I have a very strong feeling that this change in demeanor is due to buyer's remorse...so to speak. Her 'A' option has fallen through and everything she was working towards moving forward/past with has crumbled around her and she needs to fall back on 'good ol reliable' to feel better about things. I'm not dumb and I know what's going on, but I still can' help but feel happy to see some things like they used to be and feel postitive about where we can go. 
She still knows I'm leaving and still thinks that it'd be the best thing for us because she knows I need to get away from all of this crazyness.
The ringtone thing broke me down mentally for a little bit, but for the most part I feel like I am making good progress with how I feel and think about what's going on. I feel like I'm having many moments of clarity and this site is helping me out immensely; just with saying things i can't say to her or my friends and also having people respond who've been in similar situations or actually know how to help someone in need. 
So thank you to everyone who frequents this thread or just helps anyone that they can on here. It is much appreciated

on a lighter note the Bears signed Julius Peppers and Chester Taylor so a little ray of sunshine is peeking through for me today lol I think I will have a celebratory smoke in honor of this


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

josh1081 said:


> I guess I shoud clarify supporting a bit. I don't mean pay for things for her and this baby..I just mean that I will be there for her as a friend. If she needs someone to talk to or go with her to an appointment I will do that. I am in no way going to pay for her to take care of someone else's kid. I will do everything I can for my own, but I refuse to help her financially for that situation.


Whether or not you will have to pay for the baby is going to be up to the family court judge if you decide to leave her if the baby isn't yours. You are supporting her through the pregnancy, and therefore acting as the babys father. It will likely default to you to continue supporting the child whether it is yours or not.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

she is currently looking in to having and Amniosentisis done to have a paternity test done so we don't all have to go through this with so many question marks. We both need to know where things are going with the direction of our lives and can't live the next 6-7 months in wonder. I know there are risks to having an amnio done, but we need to have answers. 
She also has a part time job now and has just gotten another one that may end up being fulltime. So that is one step closer to me leaving and hopefully it won't take too long to happen. I know staying in this situation isn't healthy for me or my kids and it needs to change.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So a little status update on me...just found out through some internet digging ( and I didn't have to look hard) that the affair my wife had has become affairS...not singular. So I this is probably the last straw for me. My mindset is terrible right now and my hatred and anger for this woman is indescribable. She was sleeping with an XBF that was her first love and found out she was meeting a guy she met on the internet too. I don't know if that is everything or if there's more I don't know, but really....how much more do I need to know. Now i wonder how many people could be the father of this baby instead of just me. God help me


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

As hard as it might seem, this is your time to rise above Josh. I know the resent, the anger, the humiliation is hard to overcome right now, but don't let it take from your future. Don't let her selfish actions demoralize you, show _yourself_ what she has given up. Make _you_ your new priority, and make success your 'revenge'....


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

You don't deserve this treatment from her, and more importantly SHE doesn't deserve YOU. Move on. It's going to be hard but you know in your heart it's the best thing.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

apparently she had her first affair with her X 2 years ago..but that was the only time they got together. I think she realized it was a mistake to open anything back up with him. 
The hardest thing right now is after i confronted her about all of this she sobbed and broke down about how I didn't deserve any of this because I am too good for someone like her and that she is so regretful of everything she's done because she doesn't want to lose me and this is end in her mind. She said she didn't tell me about any of this before because she knew that i would tell her to f-off and she didn't want that, but for some reason i always seem to find things out. I really didn't think I could hurt any more then I have been but to see in print about how much she enjoyed havings sex with someone else was like pushing that knife she had in my back all the way through my heart. She had supposedly commited to me completely two months ago and i read this log from a month ago. She was even putting out the idea of meeting up with this guy again. Found out this guy drove to the area in may and they had sex at a hotel like some hooker. 
I think she finally had her epiphany though because when she was breaking down and telling me how she felt I actually heard the truth behind her words this time...and it made me realize that whenever she spoke before I didn't really hear any honesty behind what she was saying. I really wish we had a second car so I could move out because this has just made things twice as hard and even more painful.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Sounds like you got her confesion, including the part where she conciously did it knowing you would not forgive her. 

From what I have read, it sounds like your concern right now is_ how _to move on. Make this your priority. There are a number of 'positive' threads here, I would suggest reading Feelingalones thread 'my new begining' for insight on moving towards a more positive mindset.

Also, it sounds like your financial situation is standing in the way. I know it isn't glamorous, but think about delivering pizza a couple of nights a week, or a night shift in a mailroom. 3-4 weeks of anything like this could easily buy you a 'beater'. Add to that some freedom, direction, and motivation, no loose situation. Think baby steps toward a greater goal.......


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## soldierswife656 (Mar 11, 2010)

So, I was on the end of a cheating marriage. I was the other woman. BUT, I was under the impression that he wasn't living with her and only had contact with her when it concerned the kids. He was a truck driver and spent all week on the road and the weekends with me; most of them anyway. That "relationship" (if that's what you would call it) lasted for about 3 years. While we were still "together" I found out through a mutual friend that his wife was pregnant. I was LIVID. I called him screaming and he hung up on me only to have another one of his girlfriends call me and tell me that he wanted nothing to do with me and to leave him alone or he was pressing charges. WHAT?!? Anyway, long story short, he went back to her, they had the baby, she had a test, the baby was his. They were together for 3 more years and all the while, he continued to cheat on her. Now they are divorced and she's with someone else while he is still bouncing around with different women. At least that's what I was told. I haven't talked to him in years and don't have any care to! What I'm saying is, I understand you love your wife. I really do. However, take a look at what the future has in store for you. Do you really want to keep doing this over and over again? There's someone better out there for you!!


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I haven't posted in awhile and thought I should give a bit of an update. My wife and I have been talking alot and are still in agreeance that we are separating. I already have a place to live lined up and she's working on hers. My boys are going to stay with her because I am going to be moving in with my dad so I can get myself debt free and clear. He also recently went through divorcing my mom and doesn't have the kind of room to house two little boys anyway. I think it's the best living arrangement considering. My wife found out that she isn't as far along as they had originally set for her; which means the odds of this child being mine have increased exponentially. I am happy for this news because I want my boys to be effected the least amount as possible by all of this. We talked last night and decided that we are going to work things out. She truly seems like she wants to be with me in life and only me. She hates what she's done and expresses to me the sorrow, guilt, and shame she feels for what's happened. The hardest thing about all of this is that I finally have the woman right in front of me that I fell in love with and who I've been waiting to have back for a long time now, and I don't know if I'm in a place to fully make a go at this. We are agreed to take this slow and just see where it goes. She told me that I have to work out my problems before we can be any kind of official. She doesn't want to feel like either of us is halfway into our relationship because that's how things fell apart in the first place; which I agree with. I am really debating trying to work things out, but the baby will be a problem if I'm found to not be the father.
My wife sat me down yesterday and told me she just found out that she has chlamydia; so now I probably do too. YaY for me and my rotten luck. I am trying to look at this as positively as possible. I could have something worse then this, but I don't.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So I haven't updated in a long while. I found out my test results for chlamydia came back negative which was great. My antibodies are great I guess. I still had to get treated and for all my brothers out there who've had to go through that....I feel your pain 
my wife and I have spent the last 3 months in serious dialogue about the direction of our lives. She wants to try counselling now, something she was very against before, and she's gotten rid of every internet thing aside from myspace and facebook and those were never a problem in the first place. She has cut the other guy out too. She contacted him about him giving her an std but she said she doesn't need to talk to him again unless the baby turns out to be his. She told me she did all of this for her more then me because she doesn't need any of those things in her life and she also said she doesn't want any of it either.....thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> So I haven't updated in a long while. I found out my test results for chlamydia came back negative which was great. My antibodies are great I guess. I still had to get treated and for all my brothers out there who've had to go through that....I feel your pain
> my wife and I have spent the last 3 months in serious dialogue about the direction of our lives. She wants to try counselling now, something she was very against before, and she's gotten rid of every internet thing aside from myspace and facebook and those were never a problem in the first place. She has cut the other guy out too. She contacted him about him giving her an std but she said she doesn't need to talk to him again unless the baby turns out to be his. She told me she did all of this for her more then me because she doesn't need any of those things in her life and she also said she doesn't want any of it either.....thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My friend , It is hard not to be moved by your decison to be there for your wife despite her actions. you are really stronger than a lot of people.
I hope you both will get through this .

:smthumbup:
best of luck


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I'm not sure I consider his actions strong bestplayer. I am not even sure I would qualify them as love; from a detached stand point they look like the actions of someone who is dependent and afraid more than anything else.

That is not to discount the tremendous amount of patience he has shown this woman, and yes love is patient. It is also long suffering, and yes he has suffered. However, how many STD and paternity exams does one have to undergo before they realize that ultimately love is edifying.

When it is done well, love helps you to become a better person than you would have ever been able to become on your own. It should not turn you into a saint or a martyr, and sadly that is what I see here. In closing, love works best when both parties love one another. I don't know what this is, but it's certainly not that.

This is the part where I'd like to tell you that you're a better man than I am for staying, but that's simply not true. I believe a "better man" would actually leave in this situation. He'd realize that in order to be able to effectively love someone you first have to love yourself. Simply put, that means general standards and healthy boundaries. 

LIL


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

lastinline said:


> I'm not sure I consider his actions strong bestplayer. I am not even sure I would qualify them as love; from a detached stand point they look like the actions of someone who is dependent and afraid more than anything else.
> 
> That is not to discount the tremendous amount of patience he has shown this woman, and yes love is patient. It is also long suffering, and yes he has suffered. However, how many STD and paternity exams does one have to undergo before they realize that ultimately love is edifying.
> 
> ...


lastline , honestly , I completely agree with you & would definately suggest anyone to dump a partner when you are cheated on even for once . 
But in op's case what I find different is that it doesn't look like he is helping his wife because he is dependent on her or needs her for his own happiness . I think it is due to sympathy & compassion he has for his wife because as he says she have been through very tough times in past & she has no one except him . 
If it was just that he is in love with with her as a spouse , he would have divorced her considering what his wife has done to him . But for some reasons he still doesn't want her to suffer, which is rare . I would really call him a door-mat if he is helping her only so that she comes back to him but it doesn't seem to be the case as op has already moved out despite his wife seeming to be remorseful . 
I hope this can change his wife's attitude for better .


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I don't know you bestplayer, but I bet you're one hell of a friend. I just hope Josh get's whatever it is he's looking for, especially if it's just peace.

LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

LMAO at keeping MySpace and Facebook. Good grief Facebook is cited in 20% of all divorces these days.

You're the only guy currently expressing an interest in her, she's pregnant, so suddenly she's interested in you again and wants counseling...

Hmmm. Just hmmm.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Okay, here is what I do not understand. This guy is willing to do everything for a woman who screws around and STILL loves her even after being exposed to STDs....when I put 110% of myself into a marriage and get walked out on by someone who ain't looking back and frankly treated me like crap our whole marriage.....NICE!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

whattodo17 said:


> Okay, here is what I do not understand. This guy is willing to do everything for a woman who screws around and STILL loves her even after being exposed to STDs....when I put 110% of myself into a marriage and get walked out on by someone who ain't looking back and frankly treated me like crap our whole marriage.....NICE!


If you're putting 110% in it means they will assume you don't deserve them and you're overworking things to try and hold their attention. Sometimes they decide to just enjoy the winning position, sometimes they decide to go look for someone "better".

If she was treating you like crap the whole marriage it sounds like you constantly failed her "**** tests" and that's a bad thing to do repeatedly.

Give my blog a read, I cover it all in greater detail there.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

good pts atholk........usually true, maybe here, but not always. 
W2do17 my 1st read/take on what u wrote was oversimplification, martydom complex kinda thing. 
what u thought was 110 was maybe only 50% on her scale, as well as the usual "2 little, 2 late" stuff.
another reason we call them b**ches, at times. 

lol, levity pls.

cb45


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Note to self, gents:* Whattodo17 is the "lady" in the marriage and her s-t-b-x is the guy. :lol: Consequently I find it extremely humorous that both of you assumed the "wife" was being the b**ch in an ivory tower, when in real life, he barely works a PT job, has put them in over $100K of personal debt (not the equity on a home, but just outright overspending, running through savings accounts, stealing kids' college funds, and debt), and because she's divorcing he's now itching to get a new car! I would say all her efforts were only 50% on his impossibly high scale and considered "too little too late" to meet his standard. (rolleyes)

Second, this thread is for josh, and whattodo17 was having a bad day. So let's stay focused on josh on this thread and talk to whattodo17 on her thread. Okay?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

To clarify, she didn't treat me badly our whole marriage..it was the opposite in fact. I was mean and angry towards her for about 6 years of our relationship because I was too immature mentally to deal with starting a relationship with someone and being 'dad' to a child not my own. She showed me undying love and support through this period of time and I just kept turning her away. She could only help me so much but I was the one who could turn myself around. She got to a point where she gave up on me and the marriage. She couldn't move out financially without me so she just moved on in every other way. I don't agree or enjoy how things have happened, but I do understand them. I'm not afraid or too dependent to move on, I just love her. I live with my dad while I take care of some debt and I see my kids when I want. On the side, we're trying to see if we can work things out. I have been on a few dates and have a few girls interested in me. I --chose-- this path because it's what I want for my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

To clarify...I was the problem for most of our marriage. For about 6 years I was mean and angry towards her. I wasn't mentally mature enough to handle a new relationship and being 'dad' for the first time to a child that wasn't mine. She showed me more patience, love, and support then lots of spouses out there. I just refused it and pushed her away. So after alot of emotional damage she quit the relationship but wasn't financially stable to leave but she left in every other way. I'm not dependent or afraid to move on. I don't like or agree with how things happened, but I do understand it. I live with my dad now until I can clear up my debt, I've been on a few dates, and have a few ladies interested in me. I --choose-- to work things out because I want to. I have opened up to her more then I have even myself and am a much better person with her around, and it's not something I want to give up on without trying to see if it's saveable. 3 months, every waking moment of, is a long time to reflect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

She isn't holding on because she's pregnant. She's been on her own for awhile now and doing fine. We were trying to work things out before we found out she was pregnant, it just threw a major wrench in the works and complicated our intentions even more. She is as open and honest with me as she can be. She has the spark of excitement in her eye about us again, and I admit to alot of blame for letting it go away. She is trying what she can to earn my trust and full love back, and it will be a long road, but we've both agreed we don't want to rush back into things. Just let things play out, no matter which side of the road we ended up on then at least we know it's the right one, and not one out of loneliness, desparation, or for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Josh1081,

I read your posts. Do you realize that in your very first post, you asked what you did to deserve this? Now, all of a sudden your words more than imply that you did deserve this. You even accept blame for her so-called "moving-on." Did she tell you that she was moving on? Sounds to me like you had no idea. I believe that you are making excuses for her now. However, I do believe that it is because you love her and hope to be happy with her. I made and still make excuses for my husband, and his behavior toward me. Although, you must know that my husband was extremely mean to me, and I never committed adultery. I couldn't. I was always searching for his approval of me and desire for me.

Only you know what you really want. Only you can be the judge of whether or not this is a success story. If it is a success story to you, then it is absolutely a success story. It affects no one else, as only you live your life. Well, there is a child to consider here.

Can you deal with the possibility of raising another man's child, resulting by means of infidelity?

For what it's worth, I do believe that your actions are done out of love, rather than co-dependency.

Good luck. I hope the baby is yours, and that you and your wife can get past however you treated her in the past, and her infidelity.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks for your words, I realize that it may sound like I'm making excuses for her, but I'm just trying to get across the point that I understand the causes of her actions emotionally. I don't agree or fully forgive the infidelity and neither does she. She acknowledges things spiraled out of control and she has to live with that guilt. She's burst into tears many times at the drop of a hat because of what she's done to me. I'm sure much of what I say now contradicts my original posts, but that was me processing real time while things were happening. I really hope I don't stay in this section only and can make my way to the reconcilliation section, but that's a long way off, if at all, and I'm trying to be rational about my progress as opposed to getting hopeful. This site is a big help for me with just getting things out, and with this baby coming I'm sure I'll need the crutch more in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I feel so bad for you and your situation, but how many chances are you going to give her? I gave my ex-husband 6 years of chances...the last couple I always told him he was on his last- took me two years to actually mean it- two wasted years! 
History repeats itself- how long are you going to let her do this- she needs the security of you now because she's pregnant- she isn't going to have a lot of dating options. I know it's easier said then done, but how much more of your life are you going to give her- what if she does this again a couple years from now? 
You only live once- I finally figured out that I didn't want to waste that on someone who could cause me so much pain- you will have to make that decision too- when is your limit? You keep moving your limit of what you will put up with- there has to be a point where you say - NO MORE and MEAN IT! Have you been to counseling? Maybe they can help you sort out the love you feel for her- she isn't showing you the same love you are showing her!


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Well I agree that it may seem like I've given her many chances, but it's not like I found out one thing, we tried to work things out, and then she turned around and kept on stepping out. I found out everything after the fact. Which I know is terrible, but the manipulation level is a little different to me. I found everything out when she originally told me about her affair, and the rest I found out on my own. When I asked her about the rest she said she didn't tell me because she thought it would be the killshot to our working things out. And I agree that I was showing her more love then I was getting, but now she is dedicated and loving and open with me. We talk about the future, our feelings, and our hopes all the time together. We laugh, play, and cry together again. It feels like it used to when we first got tohether again, and it's nice. 
My question to everyone now is how did you mentally cope with someone who wants to move away from the past and build towards a future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

*cont* I want to be happy and move forward (maybe with her) but there are alot of days where I get so lost and self destructive playing around in my head that it's hard to be positive. I just want to get to a place where I live my day as well as I can without dark thoughts creeping in anymore. To me, it's not fair to her, me, or the process we're trying to go through to move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I like to break things down to bare essentials. What you need to survive. And can she provide that? If not, it's time to move on.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

turnera said:


> I like to break things down Well we don't technically, any of us, need to be in a relationship to survive
> she asks me...just last night in fact...why I stayed with her. Her and I have a strong bond that can't be explained or made sense to anyone. We both got away from who we were as people and as a couple too. Like I said, I owe it to that alone to try and see what may come from that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Well we don't technically, any of us, need to be in a relationship to survive 
she asks me...just last night in fact...why I stayed with her. Her and I have a strong bond that can't be explained or made sense to anyone. We both got away from who we were as people and as a couple too. Like I said, I owe it to that alone to try and see what may come from that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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