# Severe Money Issues: I need men AND women to answer.



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I need to get several people's advice regarding my situation. I have been married for over 19 years, a stay at home mom, and never had any money of my own. My husband has always been very controlling over money, and after years of pleading with him to give me money, he wouldn't do it. He would cop out and say "you have the credit cards, you have the check book." Then when I would actually spend a little money on something he didn't see as an absolute necessity, he would get so irate and make me feel so bad. He has been with me shopping and even had the nerve to take something out of the cart that I put in, and put it back on the shelf.

Now you need to understand that we have never needed money, in the sense, we've always had more than enough. We are so financially stable that we own 3 houses and are entirely debt free. And we still have quite a bit in the bank. Now I can understand this type of control over money if we were poor and that money was needed to pay bills. What about the women who go out and spend, spend, spend while their husbands are barely getting their bills paid? That is NOT the case here. 

About 2 years ago, I did start working part time, and I now make a few hundred dollars a month that I can spend on myself without having to be interrogated or fussed at over it. But that is the first time in the history of my marriage that I have ever had any liberty to spend a dollar. 

Now all I desire and live for is to make enough money to be 100% independent of him. I don't want to need a cent of "his" money. (Even though, in a divorce, I would take all that I could.)

Now back in January we were in a car accident. I was hurt and we received a few thousand from the insurance for my injuries. He took that check and deposited it into the bank (where HE has control over it), and I believe I have a right to take that money. 

Tell me what would you do in my situation? What do you think of his severe money control issues?


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Was the money you received more than just a reimbursement for your expenses? If so, I would agree that this should be your money. And even if not, why couldn't it, given your joint financial freedom?

My wife and I agreed on a few basic rules, which really helped us. We agreed on these together. If it helps, she is a nurse, but I make significantly more. 1st, if she was not working (pregnancy and early childhood), she needed some money on a regular basis that was her's alone, without accountability. I deserved a little bit also.

If she was working, we agree on a basic split for savings, etc. but she wants even more in the 'no accountability' fund.

Any employer bonus money or inheritance is her free money. We also let her have tax refunds as splurge money.

We have rarely ever argued over money, and she tells me that there are no hard feelings.

I'm skeptical, but she tells me that if we ultimately divorce, she doesn't want my money.

Not sure the rationale, but to us it was just an issue of mutual respect. For the remaining funds, we agreed on joint accountability (looking over each other's shoulder).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Have you spoken to him about your desire to have some autonomous money? I presume that he values the benefit you bring to the family as a stay-at-home mom for the kids? If not, that could be part of the problem.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

This makes me sad =( I don't think money is important enough to cause so much anguish over. My husband is also a saver but it's because of his uncertain and poor childhood. Your husband has an emotional attachment to hoarding the money away and it is a sensitive topic for him, I am sure. I would first try asking him for an allowance- money you can use to spoil yourself a little with. If you can't agree on a reasonable amount then look into marriage counseling. The catch is you will need to not disclose his money issue as the sole reason for your desire to do counseling - it may make it seem one sided and he will more than likely become defensive. Instead - express that youre not happy and believe your marriage could be better if you both started counseling. Once in a couple sessions then bring up your feelings on finances and allow the counselor to act as a buffer/moderator. 
You know that the situation isnt making you happy and thats reason enough to do something. I realize that financial security is important in many ways for retirement... but what if one of your lives were cut short? why not enjoy a little more of the moment within reason financially? =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My father is like this. I remember when we were young, my father was in control of the money, and he wouldn't give my mom any. My mom had to think of other ways to get money, like taking stuff from home and selling it to her brother or somebody she knew. I didn't know what was going on until I was a little bit older. My mother didn't have her honorable money until I grew up and started giving her money. I am the youngest one in my family. My brothers used to give their money to my father, but no matter how much money they gave, my mother didn't get to touch any. So when I grew up and had money, I gave my mother money( I gave my father money, too. I just divide into half) since I know how difficult it was for her to get some money from my father. In China, children give parents money after we grow up and start working. I have left home 20 years, so my mother has being living a decent life for 20 years, now all my other brothers and sisters give my parents money separately. 

If your husband is like my father, I understand your pain. I wish I could find you a way to get your justice since a staying at home mom deserves dignity.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, read this twice.

Yes, you not only have the right to that money from the car accident, you have the right to 100% of the marriage's assets and liabilities. That's the nature of a partnership - it's 100%/100%, not 50%/50%.

He has to realize this.

He also has to realize that after owning 3 houses and being debt-free that you have proved yourself a responsible fidiciuary of money in that a little latitude can be given and should be given to you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lynst said:


> Tell me what would you do in my situation? What do you think of his severe money control issues?


I think he needs to see what you do as a house-wife as work. you might suggest requiring a salary. but then he might ask you to pay half the mortgage, cars, and all the rest to which you'd probably have no money in the end. 

I dont see your H's actions as controlling. I make very little money also and my H supports me. I think it is his money. i dont buy anything without his consent and i think that's how it should be. he pays for everything and i spend what i make on the house. If i buy anything for myself i ask him if it is OK first. if i dont earn it i dont think i have the right to spend it. I also want to be financially independent, not to have "my" money, but so i can contribute as much as my H does. I dont like that he carries the entire burden. 

You can spend what you make and i think that is fair. I think you're lucky that he has taken such good care of you, been so responsible, and paid the bills. you are debt free and have three houses. He sounds like a good man to me.


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

Have you thought about using Dave Ramsey's method? Basically you put money into certain buckets in the budget at the beginning of the month. So you might have $700 in an envelope for food, $1400 for mortgage, $200 for utilities, $300 for gas, $150 each for clothes and discretionary income for you, $300 for savings, etc. This way you each get some discretionary cash that you have control over and where your purchases cannot be questioned, while he still feels like he is controlling the overall budget. 

Although I do think you need to remind him that you are not his employee, he is not the boss of you you are his wife, and you should both have a say in the money.

That would drive me insane.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Have you spoken to him about your desire to have some autonomous money? I presume that he values the benefit you bring to the family as a stay-at-home mom for the kids? If not, that could be part of the problem.


I have talked to him about money for years. I stayed at home with the kids because he wanted things that way. But when it came to money, he would throw a fit if I spent any on things that weren't necessities. And when I would tell him he should give me money, he ignored me and never did. The first time I have ever had any spending money was when I started working from home a couple of years ago.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> This makes me sad =( I don't think money is important enough to cause so much anguish over. My husband is also a saver but it's because of his uncertain and poor childhood. Your husband has an emotional attachment to hoarding the money away and it is a sensitive topic for him, I am sure. I would first try asking him for an allowance- money you can use to spoil yourself a little with. If you can't agree on a reasonable amount then look into marriage counseling. The catch is you will need to not disclose his money issue as the sole reason for your desire to do counseling - it may make it seem one sided and he will more than likely become defensive. Instead - express that youre not happy and believe your marriage could be better if you both started counseling. Once in a couple sessions then bring up your feelings on finances and allow the counselor to act as a buffer/moderator.
> You know that the situation isnt making you happy and thats reason enough to do something. I realize that financial security is important in many ways for retirement... but what if one of your lives were cut short? why not enjoy a little more of the moment within reason financially? =)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have asked him to give me money for years and years, and he never would. I have told him we need marriage counseling, and he never would. That might (gulp) cost him some of his precious money!


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I think he needs to see what you do as a house-wife as work. you might suggest requiring a salary. but then he might ask you to pay half the mortgage, cars, and all the rest to which you'd probably have no money in the end.
> 
> I dont see your H's actions as controlling. I make very little money also and my H supports me. I think it is his money. i dont buy anything without his consent and i think that's how it should be. he pays for everything and i spend what i make on the house. If i buy anything for myself i ask him if it is OK first. if i dont earn it i dont think i have the right to spend it. I also want to be financially independent, not to have "my" money, but so i can contribute as much as my H does. I dont like that he carries the entire burden.
> 
> You can spend what you make and i think that is fair. I think you're lucky that he has taken such good care of you, been so responsible, and paid the bills. you are debt free and have three houses. He sounds like a good man to me.


A wife is not a child. She should not have to go begging her husband for money. She shouldn't have to ask "permission" before spending a dollar. He wanted me to stay at home with the kids, but never thought I deserved any money for myself. Spend what I make? Stay at home wives don't make money. He wanted me to stay at home (therefore, not earning my own money) so he should have gave me money once in awhile. Every person I know, his mom included, thinks he is wrong about the way he is when it comes to money. His mom just doesn't want me to divorce him. He isn't controlling? Debt free, owns 3 houses, and still money in the bank; but he has never wanted me to spend a dollar on myself. That is not only controlling, but that is selfish, and definitely isn't the actions of someone who truly loves his wife. I refuse to be his prisoner anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So stop asking. TELL him that he either respects you enough to give you access to the FAMILY'S money, or you will find a husband who will. And in the meantime, your lawyer will make sure that you get a pretty big chunk of his money anyway.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

OMG. You were a stay-home-mom and had no say about the money? That is so wrong. You really should stand up to that.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband sounds very cheapskate. I feel very sorry for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LifeSprings (Jan 19, 2011)

lynst said:


> Now all I desire and live for is to make enough money to be 100% independent of him. I don't want to need a cent of "his" money. (Even though, in a divorce, I would take all that I could.)


Take this tip before your marriage starts going separate ways. It seems based on the fact that you are doing great financially that your husband is a great administrator, probably a professional. Men are more into logic that feelings, therefore he might not see things the way you do. Probably his goal is to be in control and he is not doing such a bad job otherwise you would have to save beacause you are broke. I understand your point and agree with the fact that being held back without any independence is stressful and frustrating. Just start by showing him how you would like to be treated. Very often men denies themselves some pleasures in order to be responsible and provide for their home. Try to share a bit off that money you get as little as it is with him. Maybe go out and buy a nice tie for him, cook for him something different, etc. At first he might act and complain about how you "wasted" your money but inside he will warm up to you and see how special you are and how dumb he has been. At least that's how my wife taught me and I don't mind giving her my whole paycheck if I have to because nobody will care about me the way she does!:smthumbup:


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like a cheapo, my situation I dont have anything but dept but my wife wants out & seperation but me pay for her lifestyle,when shes the one whos gone every weekend & I work & take care of kids.


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## LifeSprings (Jan 19, 2011)

lynst said:


> A wife is not a child. She should not have to go begging her husband for money. She shouldn't have to ask "permission" before spending a dollar. He wanted me to stay at home with the kids, but never thought I deserved any money for myself. Spend what I make? Stay at home wives don't make money. He wanted me to stay at home (therefore, not earning my own money) so he should have gave me money once in awhile. Every person I know, his mom included, thinks he is wrong about the way he is when it comes to money. His mom just doesn't want me to divorce him. He isn't controlling? Debt free, owns 3 houses, and still money in the bank; but he has never wanted me to spend a dollar on myself. That is not only controlling, but that is selfish, and definitely isn't the actions of someone who truly loves his wife. I refuse to be his prisoner anymore.


*Be careful what you ask for, you might get it *:scratchhead:
Millions of women would love to have what you've got. Trust me, you leave and another one will show in a snap! Make sure you don't regret your words when you start living your dream life and end up working like a slave for another boss, pay your expensive rent for a lousy apartment, end up with a lazy new guy who sucks your blood and miss this H when you get sick with no one to care about you. Don't lend your ears to naive advice especially when the solution offered is to turn this little matter into a dumb excuse for divorce. 

Remember that a great couple like you and H are the subject of jealousy and envy of many. Do not ever let your happiness be disrupted by frustrated people that are giving advice after advice when in fact they are living in hell and will never be in your position unless they take a different approach! GBU :scratchhead:


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