# My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.



## JTBrilliance

_Please, I let my fingers run unopposed, this is long; skim if you must, but I am desperate._



My wife and I have lived together for nine years. We are both nearly 30. No children.

Our relationship has always been fantastic, very little arguing (bickering, really, and neither of us have ever yelled--until now), similar goals: masters+ degrees, house, one kid eventually post education and career stability, excellent sex life.

She graduated with her Masters-Counseling (irony?) in May, and literally within a week of her newly acquired "freedom" she changed. That week she went out to celebrate no less than four times, three without me as I work until 10pm three to four nights a week ( At first I thought absolutely nothing of this, proud of her achievements and trust was not an issue)...

... after a few weeks of never being home when I got home (at least she would text me saying she was "out"), I started to worry but didn't bring it up; she had been in school for seven of the nine years after all (not always full-time), with very little solo-girlfriends-non-husband-bar-action, my brain ate up that excuse no problem.

Yet, her affection level dropped from above average, but not overbearing, to none during these few weeks. If she said, "I love you" it was always prefaced by my saying it. Hugs and kisses were my initiation, always. Reciprocation of my affections started feeling a little too quick, or even a little compulsory (I tried to play it off as my imagination).

I tried to take the good-hubby route: flowers increased, her choice of favorite restaurants, showed more interest than I needed to, cut into my personal time and PTO from work, all without seeming too servile. I have always had an adeptness at making her feel sexy, wanted and loved--nine years... her ability to make me feel the exact opposite eviscerated the confidence clean out of me.

I became desperate, started attempting the "testing games", not saying I love you, few affections here and there, a bit of the potent ignore. --no improvement.

--In fact, it got worse. I got worse.

I've have never been an angry individual, I do not yell... 

One weekend she went out again on Saturday, her friend's graduation party. The next night she told me she was going out again, this time the pronoun was just "a friend" so, naturally I ask, with who? --Bill*

Ok, don't panic. She can have guy friends, I'm cool, I'm cool. I say, "alright, don't stay out too late". 

She doesn't come home until 2am. I confront her on this, just a friend she says, she is allowed to have guy friends, this guy is cool, she says, wants to teach her how to play bass. Hah, thats not all he wants, I think--and apparently say, although I shouldn't have let my ego get the better of me. She blows it off, but wants to go to bed. Chill, man...

The next night, Monday, she tells me at 7pm she is going to hang with Bill* for her "bass" lesson. I say she is overstepping a boundary, but if she is serious and is sure this guy has only a friendly interest then alright, but don't stay out so late. 10, 11pm, she says. 1:45am and three "ill be home soon" text messages later... hey this is getting out of hand, but "I" am being jealous and controlling? --you are married not single. "Whatever, I'm going to bed", she blows it off. We talk a little about it the next morning, she only wants to learn bass, the guy is fun to hang out with, he has a girlfriend, don't be jealous....

Third night in a row, she goes out again, this time with him and a few friends whom I don't know. 1:30am she texts me, "sorry I'm late, a little drunk so I am waiting it out, be home soon!"

2am, stumbles through the door, wasted--STILL wasted, so drunk she can barely stand. I am livid.

The next morning, after passing out with my help to the bedroom, I have a stern talk with her. She really upset me, she could have hurt herself, or worse hurt someone else. What is she doing? Does she seriously think I wouldn't be upset at her spending 24hours in three days with this guy--and come home drunk? You need to slow it down, does this guy's girlfriend even care? Apparently, she does. Bill* was told not to hang out with my wife anymore. Jealousy doesn't just run in the veins of men...

Now, three months have passed. She still goes out two, sometimes three times a week. Drunk a few times, but at least carried in on the shoulder of a "guy" friend. One time so badly she threw up over nearly the entirety of the bathroom floor. We argue, loudly. 

"I think my seven years in college and not seeing you often was the only reason we got along! Now that we have all this time we probably would have never gotten along...", she said through tears.

... the multi-week trips we took over the past nine years. Honeymoon. Time in between semesters. Love.

"You are so angry all the time, I feel like I am being punished you barely talk to me, you are so controlling, you clam up like a little deer and don't talk!", she said.

I can never bring up the fact that she shows me no affection, no conversation about my feelings, how she changed, the pain... **snap** her tone changes, argument ensues.

--During one argument I say how bad she makes me feel, I resent her, she isn't the same person, I feel like I despise her. Do you want to be single again? --do you hate me? --lets just get a divorce, I'll get a lawyer tomorrow, my god nine years, my youth is gone... you have your degree, I worked hard to make sure we lived comfortably, you paid your half of bills, everything else I used my money, my savings was entirely for the house we planned to buy, the baby we planned to have, it's unfair! plans, plans, love, life, my god... it hurts.



I have never been so angry in my entire three decades. A third of which belongs to her.



I bottle up.

At least once a week: "You despise me!", "Don't get angry, I am just going out with friends.", "I can't be the affectionate person you want me to be, I have NEVER been very affectionate, I am not that kind of person!"

Her memory was erased, a new party-girl single gal injected in the vacuous spaces!

I will never live it down, the anger, my yelling, my tears, her tears.

She has done nothing wrong... "You act like the victim.", the hypocrisy is crippling.

In three months she has acquired two tattoos; she shifts from calm and collected (if melancholy), to snappish, short and dominating. In three months I've been slapped three times, for no reason than she was drunk, aggressive and didn't like a playful (a comment for a comment) rebuke.

**The last three months (right before the start of her thesis) she started taking Celexa and Quanapin... I fully believe these two drugs have a role in her drastic change (timing is so coincidental, no?), but she REFUSES to stop taking them, absolute disbelief that they could be a cause. She has done nothing wrong...

Folks, I know this is a lot of info... unneeded or not. I have not been able to communicate this to anyone. I have always found it easier to express how I feel in writing... 

As I wrote that last sentence above, she text me stating she is " Wasy too drunk gonna crash here &) " (sic)

This hurts so bad, nothing I have said to her matters... Most of you will say divorce, leave her, the few I have spoke with personally reiterate this. NINE years, wonderful relationship... then this. 

How can a woman change like this? I have no trust, no faith in women any longer and it shows. It's such a generalization... but feels so truthfull.

I started losing my hair...

I am upset and sad all the time...

She told me she no longer wanted to have children... I made sure over the last 8 years (lived together eight, married *one*!) she wanted a child.

I want to be a father... damn, humanity deserves hell.


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## nerdvm

I can't but post this, because my friend has a little bit similar experience. He's my best mate, a person I could trust my life with. He's gone out with the same woman for 13 years. I always thought that they were a perfect match. All the time we spent together and the evening discussions we had together made me confident that there's a couple whose never going to break up. 

He wanted a family, she wanted to party. 

Now suddenly the relationship took a wild turn. She wanted to get rid of him.. Very clear in her, until the real process started. My buddy took this as a huge shock, started drinking *extremely* heavily and was desperate. But the strangest part was that when he was about to get over it, she started to linger and want to hang out together every now and then - which made him all the more confused and ailing. 

Have you had a good, long talk about all of this? I've gone through big crises in my marriage, and it was difficult to get to the table and start talking. But when it happened we set a new direction and also discussed about rules. I've had a somewhat similar experience with losing her attention, and she's said that she could well live without me - which hurt really bad. I know I could too, but I don't want to 
say such a thing. 
We have good and bad periods, but I believe in love. I can get hurt with it; I'll take the risk. 

All the best with you!


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## JTBrilliance

nerdvm said:


> I can't but post this, because my friend has a little bit similar experience. He's my best mate, a person I could trust my life with. He's gone out with the same woman for 13 years. I always thought that they were a perfect match. All the time we spent together and the evening discussions we had together made me confident that there's a couple whose never going to break up.
> 
> He wanted a family, she wanted to party.
> 
> Now suddenly the relationship took a wild turn. She wanted to get rid of him.. Very clear in her, until the real process started. My buddy took this as a huge shock, started drinking *extremely* heavily and was desperate. But the strangest part was that when he was about to get over it, she started to linger and want to hang out together every now and then - which made him all the more confused and ailing.
> 
> Have you had a good, long talk about all of this? I've gone through big crises in my marriage, and it was difficult to get to the table and start talking. But when it happened we set a new direction and also discussed about rules. I've had a somewhat similar experience with losing her attention, and she's said that she could well live without me - which hurt really bad. I know I could too, but I don't want to
> say such a thing.
> We have good and bad periods, but I believe in love. I can get hurt with it; I'll take the risk.
> 
> All the best with you!


Several long discussions.

She cries for the hour that we talk; all of them the same. 
I want to work on it... she nods.
Do you still love me? she nods.
Why are you so angry and have mood swings? --"YOU are the angry one! I can't be the person you want me to be! You don't even want to be married to me anymore!"

... every time. It is always my fault. She can comment with a resentful tone on any one thing but if I ask why she is upset, or said something in that way she _LAUNCHES_ into anger.

She refuses to go to marriage counseling. A counselor refusing counseling.

I am lost as to what to try and get her back to the person she was, and so vehemently denies she was... or at least change myself in unison to her.

I simply can't metastasize from a loving husband to a no-strings-attached physical relationship, oblivious to any other man she whimsically decides to have relations with.


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## martino

Your pain comes right through, I feel for you. What do you think you will do? have her caught in the act? end her friendship? move? just curious what you think your next move will be?


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## JTBrilliance

martino said:


> Your pain comes right through, I feel for you. What do you think you will do? have her caught in the act? end her friendship? move? just curious what you think your next move will be?


I have never openly caught her. I still hope she hasn't, or won't betray the man she has loved for so long... but my trust is gone.

She truly isn't the same person, night and day.

Honestly, I hope I do catch her--that much easier to just leave. 

I do not have anywhere to go. I have no friends here. We moved through, and lived in, two different states for her to complete her degree. My parents divorced within a few months of my leaving the house and moving in with her when I was 20. They both live in separate states, new spouses who I never met before our wedding a year ago...

I am nearly 30, I have spent a decade with ONE person. I feel old, shattered and useless. I was supposed to go back to school this semester as she completed her education. 

Cheated... not even in the intrinsic value of the word one might gather from a post on this forum; cheated out of my youth and sanity.

I guess this is the place to grieve. Posts filled with hate or sadness. Hurt people--hurting posts rife with the confused ramblings of the recently betrayed. 

... I realize now why the societal trend is to dabble but never settle. Wall those feelings off, permanently scar the emotional repertoire. 

Society is encouraging such physiologically-focused relationships. Our bodies were built that way anyway, right?

--maybe my wife is just following the standard.


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## martino

You've had morals enough to stand by her his long and sacrafice for her education. Listen, lift your head up and don't let the moral decay of society decide for you what she ought to do with her body, you your's or anyone else's. Don't sit around and allow this, it will get worse and she will disrespect you even further. Is she home? send her a text, go get her, call her, go knock on the door if you can. Put and end to this now. Look at what you've sacraficed! man you deserve better! (at least from what I know here) Get it!


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## martino

You're not even 30 yet man! you're a little kid to a 60 year old!!


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## JTBrilliance

I have yelled, threatened divorce... to walk out and never so much as lift a finger in recognition if I ever see her again.

Threats mean nothing. Anger is met with tears but no promises! 

"You hurt me, stop this, NOW!", I've said. (hollered? begged? cried? ...more than a few times)

"I will watch the anger, but you need to think about the feelings of someone else, the one who loves you, before you late-night binge drink again. Don't you even consider how that is affecting me?" ... nod... nod.

--and no change. The next day after an argument she will seem "better", mood-wise. Still no affection--like I would burn her with a touch; spread infection by caressing her.... 

...then a few days later she is "hanging out with friends" again until 2-3am, or lately a text "Im too drunk, staying here for tonight be there early morning" with various slurring of type.

Foot-down, man-up and put a stop to the bull DOES NOT WORK. At this point, if I were to walk out I might get a text asking what I did and did not want to keep...

Again, how the hell does a woman change like this... over the course of a few days. It had to have been the medication.


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## martino

Could be the meds, could be an inflated ego due to job, could be trying to make up for lost youth, now being a counselor makes it even more ridiculous. You said counseling as in marriage/family? that's even worse. Presumably she's schooled in the ramifications of this right? could be that she out and out used you to get degreed at all costs. I don't believe that she changed so much over just a few days. Ask her to bring the bass guitar home and show you what she's learned. She needs a nice DWI after that degree i'm afraid to get her head out of her ass. I feel so bad for you.


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## preso

She just accomplished a major goal in life... graduating. Let her party... she will come back to earth soon enough. 
The last thing you want to do now is try to put limits on her just as she has all this new found power in possible new jobs.. which equal increased money.
When I graduated I was like wooo-hoo and partied for a week or two.... was so nice to not have to study for tests, take tests, be up at 5am, etc etc...
let her enjoy it.


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## nerdvm

JTBrilliance said:


> Several long discussions.
> 
> She cries for the hour that we talk; all of them the same.
> I want to work on it... she nods.
> Do you still love me? she nods.
> Why are you so angry and have mood swings? --"YOU are the angry one! I can't be the person you want me to be! You don't even want to be married to me anymore!"
> 
> ... every time. It is always my fault. She can comment with a resentful tone on any one thing but if I ask why she is upset, or said something in that way she _LAUNCHES_ into anger.
> 
> She refuses to go to marriage counseling. A counselor refusing counseling.
> 
> I am lost as to what to try and get her back to the person she was, and so vehemently denies she was... or at least change myself in unison to her.
> 
> I simply can't metastasize from a loving husband to a no-strings-attached physical relationship, oblivious to any other man she whimsically decides to have relations with.


I think based on these, she is somehow hurt and saddened
but I would think there's strong emotional bond. Try to dissolve
any ego issues if there are such. For example I've been working too much with reason and logic, and it doesn't bring results. It's
rarely that I truly confess my fears, wantings etc. to my 
wife but when it happens, there's mutual understanding. You
might try that. It takes you from a comfortable position of
defense to a vulnerable area, but I think it's worth the risk.

Take the approach that you're somebody
who's trying to help or understand a complete stranger; 
during the workout you might figure out what's really behind 
the behaviour. 

I think you two are not in dead-end, but need constant work with it. 

Best wishes mate!


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## JTBrilliance

preso said:


> She just accomplished a major goal in life... graduating. Let her party... she will come back to earth soon enough.
> The last thing you want to do now is try to put limits on her just as she has all this new found power in possible new jobs.. which equal increased money.
> When I graduated I was like wooo-hoo and partied for a week or two.... was so nice to not have to study for tests, take tests, be up at 5am, etc etc...
> let her enjoy it.


This has been three months, not a few weeks. At a few weeks in I had yet to be worried.

One thing I forgot to mention, that makes me feel taken advantage of: 
She has been looking for a job since roughly two months before she finished her thesis; so, five months she has been looking for a job.

Stopped helping with rent, utilities--I have always paid for dinner, movies, extra, etc... I never minded, she covered her half until early first quarter this year, when school became even more stressful; I had no problem covering at the time. 

Her excuse of course is that it is a tough economy, yet _every single one_ of her graduating friends has found a job... she is the ONLY one of her entire graduating class (very particular school and degree). I don't even know if she is still applying...

...the small amount of money she makes being on call for a hospital, or covering shifts once a week, or recently every other week, goes towards her going out with "friends" (who I don't know) often, and the tattoos she has been getting.

She has paid me "what she could" twice this past year...

There is no defending what she is doing. Her personality, love, even _FRIENDS_ she keeps have contorted into something... other.

It is not _her_ who still lives with me, it is someone completely different and indifferent to my worries, cares... dreams.


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## JTBrilliance

Last night she didn't even come home, she was "too drunk" and stayed at who knows' house... 

I confronted her when I got home from work today, she was just waking up from napping on the couch:

**I told her if she ever went out drinking, couldn't control herself and ended up staying at someone's place _AGAIN_ (this is the second time, she said she wouldn't do it again) who I don't even know, not seeing her until I came home from work the next day--I would get my things and walk out the door, NEVER speaking with her again.**

I did not let her argue. I simply confirmed she understood...

"ok", nodding, holding back tears.

I said that was the end of the conversation. I got up and went to go change out of work clothes.

It took thirty seconds to say.

Half way undressed in the bedroom I hear her say "I am going for a walk!", angrily.

We haven't spoken since... she just chills on the couch messing around on FaceBook.

... I couldn't stand it any longer, it felt so condescending yet what else was I supposed to do?


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## martino

JT, 

You said: "It is not her who still lives with me, it is someone completely different and indifferent to my worries, cares... dreams. "

I say this very carefully to you, it is her that lives with you and has always been her that lives with you. Her behaviors have changed as a result of her new life. You aren't as needed as you once were. Now she's blatantly using and abusing you. She will buck your command and is probably hoping you move out. Start making plans for the better of yourself. She already has lost all respect for you and probably attraction. You have to bail if you hope to reconcile in the future. To stay and allow this is to continue is to look smaller and smaller in her eyes. Right now she has about 10% respect for you, the next few party nights those percentages will dwindle even smaller night by night until there is nothing left. Prepare yourself to move on and meet someone else, it's all you have left unless she pulls a 360. 

Martino


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## dobo

Can you discuss her behavior with her shrink? I know he can't discuss her case with you unless she allows it, but he can listen. I think he needs to know that she's drinking a lot and mixing her meds with booze. He may consider changing her medication or asking her to go into treatment. But I would start there. She's not going to do this on her own because she really doesn't seem in touch with herself at the moment.


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## JTBrilliance

Wow


After a few days of seeming like its a little better, she texts me saying she is going to hang out with "Kelly". She received a call (and promptly purged it), but later I get paranoid....

She erases her call log and text messages the instant something shows up. She forgot that her Blackberry has an outbound sent box. So I check it....

... suggestive messages to that same number. So yeah, I did some snooping, long nerve-wracking story cut short:

"Kelly" in her phone book is really the same "friend" Bill* from months ago. She was seeing him behind my back the entire time, lying about being out with her "girlfriends"... she was staying with HIM THOSE NIGHTS...

omg. I I fu;j'askd91284[0sjm c[r98 n23c[-03-009uifpasufsdio together for nine years, married ONE and INSTANTLY she falls in love with some random guy? When literally the day before she met him she was TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME AND SHOWING IT?

HOW akl;sdhjlasdhn disgusting. I dont want to think about it, BETRAYER She has called and text him ONLY when I am at work. How can someone do that? How can they do that to a person they loved for NINE YEARS? HOW ???????


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## Sensitive

I thought I posted a reply before, but it disappeared, I hope I didn't get censored. It sounds like the situation is getting much worse. I am very sorry. It sounds like your wife has serious mental health problems. I am also worried about her mixing her meds with alcohol. Get professional help.


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## p22pqq2

JT,

I feel for you man, I really do. My wife (been married almsot 10 years) has been behaving similarly to your's. With mine I'm pretty sure its a mid-life crisis thing, she turns 40 in a month or so. Oh, and she is also depressed and refusing to take meds. 

She is the party girl, likes hanging out with her friends, goes out and comes home drunk late from time to time to the point of throwing up and passing out. I must admit your situation is more extreme than mine but the feeling of emotional abandonment is pretty strong like the night the kids (thankfully you don't have any involved) were away and it was JUST her and myself (this is very rare) and she decided to go to a STRIP CLUB with two of her MALE friends and leave me home alone. Ugh. 

I gotta say you gotta respect yourself and I know it's damn hard but putting your foot down got you nowhere. It's time to move on. I know it's hard, I think I will be devastated if it ever happens to me (it's getting close) but you CANNOT change how other people behave. Period. And you deserve to be with someone who will not blatantly hurt you all the time. Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and no one should be treated like you have been treated. She doesn't care about you or your feelings. And it's pretty obvious she doesn't want to help herself, either. I agree with the above poster, your wife has some mental health issues (rapid change in behavior, getting tattoos, nothing wrong with them but so suddenly?, excessive alcohol usage, etc.)



I find your story and mine to be eerily similar, man. It's like my wife is a "lite" version of yours. I fear that she may end up doing really VERY hurtful stuff to me (like cheating, I do not think she has done this yet, HOWEVER she's had a few EA's in the past).

I really wish you the best of luck.


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## karajh

Sounds like she has had a break of some kind! I hate to say this.. but she is cheating if she is acting this way. I acted like that with one of my ex boyfriends when I was younger. You are going to just have to move on and see what happens.. do not give her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. She will figure it out.. Just my opinion. She might be developing a drinking problem as well..

Good Luck!!


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## jamielynncrider123

JTBrilliance said:


> _Please, I let my fingers run unopposed, this is long; skim if you must, but I am desperate._
> 
> 
> 
> My wife and I have lived together for nine years. We are both nearly 30. No children.
> 
> Our relationship has always been fantastic, very little arguing (bickering, really, and neither of us have ever yelled--until now), similar goals: masters+ degrees, house, one kid eventually post education and career stability, excellent sex life.
> 
> She graduated with her Masters-Counseling (irony?) in May, and literally within a week of her newly acquired "freedom" she changed. That week she went out to celebrate no less than four times, three without me as I work until 10pm three to four nights a week ( At first I thought absolutely nothing of this, proud of her achievements and trust was not an issue)...
> 
> ... after a few weeks of never being home when I got home (at least she would text me saying she was "out"), I started to worry but didn't bring it up; she had been in school for seven of the nine years after all (not always full-time), with very little solo-girlfriends-non-husband-bar-action, my brain ate up that excuse no problem.
> 
> Yet, her affection level dropped from above average, but not overbearing, to none during these few weeks. If she said, "I love you" it was always prefaced by my saying it. Hugs and kisses were my initiation, always. Reciprocation of my affections started feeling a little too quick, or even a little compulsory (I tried to play it off as my imagination).
> 
> I tried to take the good-hubby route: flowers increased, her choice of favorite restaurants, showed more interest than I needed to, cut into my personal time and PTO from work, all without seeming too servile. I have always had an adeptness at making her feel sexy, wanted and loved--nine years... her ability to make me feel the exact opposite eviscerated the confidence clean out of me.
> 
> I became desperate, started attempting the "testing games", not saying I love you, few affections here and there, a bit of the potent ignore. --no improvement.
> 
> --In fact, it got worse. I got worse.
> 
> I've have never been an angry individual, I do not yell...
> 
> One weekend she went out again on Saturday, her friend's graduation party. The next night she told me she was going out again, this time the pronoun was just "a friend" so, naturally I ask, with who? --Bill*
> 
> Ok, don't panic. She can have guy friends, I'm cool, I'm cool. I say, "alright, don't stay out too late".
> 
> She doesn't come home until 2am. I confront her on this, just a friend she says, she is allowed to have guy friends, this guy is cool, she says, wants to teach her how to play bass. Hah, thats not all he wants, I think--and apparently say, although I shouldn't have let my ego get the better of me. She blows it off, but wants to go to bed. Chill, man...
> 
> The next night, Monday, she tells me at 7pm she is going to hang with Bill* for her "bass" lesson. I say she is overstepping a boundary, but if she is serious and is sure this guy has only a friendly interest then alright, but don't stay out so late. 10, 11pm, she says. 1:45am and three "ill be home soon" text messages later... hey this is getting out of hand, but "I" am being jealous and controlling? --you are married not single. "Whatever, I'm going to bed", she blows it off. We talk a little about it the next morning, she only wants to learn bass, the guy is fun to hang out with, he has a girlfriend, don't be jealous....
> 
> Third night in a row, she goes out again, this time with him and a few friends whom I don't know. 1:30am she texts me, "sorry I'm late, a little drunk so I am waiting it out, be home soon!"
> 
> 2am, stumbles through the door, wasted--STILL wasted, so drunk she can barely stand. I am livid.
> 
> The next morning, after passing out with my help to the bedroom, I have a stern talk with her. She really upset me, she could have hurt herself, or worse hurt someone else. What is she doing? Does she seriously think I wouldn't be upset at her spending 24hours in three days with this guy--and come home drunk? You need to slow it down, does this guy's girlfriend even care? Apparently, she does. Bill* was told not to hang out with my wife anymore. Jealousy doesn't just run in the veins of men...
> 
> Now, three months have passed. She still goes out two, sometimes three times a week. Drunk a few times, but at least carried in on the shoulder of a "guy" friend. One time so badly she threw up over nearly the entirety of the bathroom floor. We argue, loudly.
> 
> "I think my seven years in college and not seeing you often was the only reason we got along! Now that we have all this time we probably would have never gotten along...", she said through tears.
> 
> ... the multi-week trips we took over the past nine years. Honeymoon. Time in between semesters. Love.
> 
> "You are so angry all the time, I feel like I am being punished you barely talk to me, you are so controlling, you clam up like a little deer and don't talk!", she said.
> 
> I can never bring up the fact that she shows me no affection, no conversation about my feelings, how she changed, the pain... **snap** her tone changes, argument ensues.
> 
> --During one argument I say how bad she makes me feel, I resent her, she isn't the same person, I feel like I despise her. Do you want to be single again? --do you hate me? --lets just get a divorce, I'll get a lawyer tomorrow, my god nine years, my youth is gone... you have your degree, I worked hard to make sure we lived comfortably, you paid your half of bills, everything else I used my money, my savings was entirely for the house we planned to buy, the baby we planned to have, it's unfair! plans, plans, love, life, my god... it hurts.
> 
> 
> 
> I have never been so angry in my entire three decades. A third of which belongs to her.
> 
> 
> 
> I bottle up.
> 
> At least once a week: "You despise me!", "Don't get angry, I am just going out with friends.", "I can't be the affectionate person you want me to be, I have NEVER been very affectionate, I am not that kind of person!"
> 
> Her memory was erased, a new party-girl single gal injected in the vacuous spaces!
> 
> I will never live it down, the anger, my yelling, my tears, her tears.
> 
> She has done nothing wrong... "You act like the victim.", the hypocrisy is crippling.
> 
> In three months she has acquired two tattoos; she shifts from calm and collected (if melancholy), to snappish, short and dominating. In three months I've been slapped three times, for no reason than she was drunk, aggressive and didn't like a playful (a comment for a comment) rebuke.
> 
> **The last three months (right before the start of her thesis) she started taking Celexa and Quanapin... I fully believe these two drugs have a role in her drastic change (timing is so coincidental, no?), but she REFUSES to stop taking them, absolute disbelief that they could be a cause. She has done nothing wrong...
> 
> Folks, I know this is a lot of info... unneeded or not. I have not been able to communicate this to anyone. I have always found it easier to express how I feel in writing...
> 
> As I wrote that last sentence above, she text me stating she is " Wasy too drunk gonna crash here &) " (sic)
> 
> This hurts so bad, nothing I have said to her matters... Most of you will say divorce, leave her, the few I have spoke with personally reiterate this. NINE years, wonderful relationship... then this.
> 
> How can a woman change like this? I have no trust, no faith in women any longer and it shows. It's such a generalization... but feels so truthfull.
> 
> I started losing my hair...
> 
> I am upset and sad all the time...
> 
> She told me she no longer wanted to have children... I made sure over the last 8 years (lived together eight, married *one*!) she wanted a child.
> 
> I want to be a father... damn, humanity deserves hell.


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## jamielynncrider123

Okoy... i have went through a lot of crap to get this to you ... you made your 1st mistake with ..... let me add .. i am a 35 year old female... and not a stupid one.. WHY whould you as a MAN l;et your wife go to "WHATEVER" do you go go there??????
There are certain things a husband & wife invite into their marraige..... you may have to say NO NOT REGULAR NO BUT HELL NO!!!! cause people get stupid and your job as marrired people is to keep one- onther in check! there are some other things going on besides this crap..... ask your wife what ,,,,,,,but you you better be willing to SHUT UP FOR A SECONED AND LISSSSSSONNNNNNEDDDDD!!!!DUDE! MAYBE!!!!


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## Lyn

Sounds to me like the lid has come off. For whatever reason, enjoying being lidless? she seems not to be interested in being a couple.

She at least owes you the truth and that is why she won't go to a counselor, because she doesn't want to face the truth, or...wants to continue her irresponsible (to the relationship) behavior.

Having been divorced, remarried and now weathering the after effects of my husband's affair, I'm not a stranger to conflict.

Pure and simple: if she loves you she will take meaningful steps towards reversing the damage she has done in neglecting you and abusing your tolerant nature. If not, she won't. 

Lyn


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## sisters359

This is an old thread; OP doesn't seem to be around anymore.


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## AlexNY

You are the security blanket.

She really needed you until graduation. But now, you are becoming an inconvenience.

She outgrew you because you were never a person to her. You were a financial resource. The more independent she becomes, the more you will be a ball and chain around her legs.

You have to move on.


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## MEM2020

Have you gained weight during the relationship? Why are you afraid to leave her? 

How could you EVER have enough trust in her to have kids. THIS type of behavior is typical AFTER having kids at which point it is way harder to end things. In one sense you are very lucky that this is all before kids. 

And you are still plenty young to start over and have kids. 





JTBrilliance said:


> This has been three months, not a few weeks. At a few weeks in I had yet to be worried.
> 
> One thing I forgot to mention, that makes me feel taken advantage of:
> She has been looking for a job since roughly two months before she finished her thesis; so, five months she has been looking for a job.
> 
> Stopped helping with rent, utilities--I have always paid for dinner, movies, extra, etc... I never minded, she covered her half until early first quarter this year, when school became even more stressful; I had no problem covering at the time.
> 
> Her excuse of course is that it is a tough economy, yet _every single one_ of her graduating friends has found a job... she is the ONLY one of her entire graduating class (very particular school and degree). I don't even know if she is still applying...
> 
> ...the small amount of money she makes being on call for a hospital, or covering shifts once a week, or recently every other week, goes towards her going out with "friends" (who I don't know) often, and the tattoos she has been getting.
> 
> She has paid me "what she could" twice this past year...
> 
> There is no defending what she is doing. Her personality, love, even _FRIENDS_ she keeps have contorted into something... other.
> 
> It is not _her_ who still lives with me, it is someone completely different and indifferent to my worries, cares... dreams.


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## Jdack

I would have to agree with Mem11363 here, could happen later with kids and really become a struggle to stay or leave. Had a girlfriend many years ago started similar behavior and going out and coming back all hours with her girlfriend, but suspected something was going on and this was after being together 6 yrs, lived together 2 yrs and called her up on it, at least she confessed on the spot and then I asked her pack her stuff that night and she did. It was very hard, took few months of pain to get over the worse of it, but glad that I did call her up on it. I woudl not have wanted her to do that after we had children. We had just grown apart over the years (high school lovers) and looking back now, was the best thing I did. I feel for you, hope you sort it out, but seems she is using you.


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## sirch

If I could sum up the situation, it is the lesson you learned about Modern Women. Modern Women simply have no conscious and lack the ability to empathize with men. Even if they did mean it when the said they "love" you at that particular moment, their emotions are so volatile that in the next moment they can arbitrarily dismiss you. Because this is the modern woman's prerogative - to suddenly change her mind. So don't expect Modern Women to adhere to any sort of moral standard in relationships. Their morals and values will change depending on their emotional state, and by whatever they think they can get away with at the time; often using deceit, sandbagging and emotional terrorism.


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## Affaircare

I echo with sisters that this is an old thread, started 08-07-2009. The OP hasn't posted since 08-11-2009 so I think a newer person, jamielynncrider, just resurrected an old post. 

Isn't that post necromancy?:lol:


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## aap

My man, I feel for you, really do. I think in many instances those who marry early come to a point such as this one. My advice to you is to stand your ground. For some reason she doesn't respect you right now. I am not sure if this is a phase or its permanent. If she cannot live the way you two used to live, then you have to walk away. If she comes back, then you know for sure she is the one for you. Funny, but I also have been married for 9 years and I feel as though our marriage suddenly hit a brick wall. My wife has not gone off the deep end, but all of the sudden the affection, caring, respect does not exist. I have to repeat myself 3,4,5 times almost every time I say something to her. I work late and she takes care of 3 kids and I feel totally out of place when I get home. Its as if I am suddenly this nag in her life. I cannot remember the last time she kissed me. Turns away when i go to kiss her. And all of this is started about 3 or 4 months ago. But in your case, you may have to walk away - as tough as it may be. You are lucky you don't have kids in the picture yet. It would have been much tougher


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## 3Xnocharm

What is with all the zombie threads tonight??


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