# Dating After Divorce is..



## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

I'm officially divorced. Was pretty fast and amicable. I moved out on my own and doing my own thing. I thought it was going to be hard because on day 1 of me being in the apartment I just broke down. Like I failed you know? Not that I was missing my ex or anything because I wasn't, far from it. It was more of coming to terms with a death of a love connection. Kind of like I have failed... you know? I use to hold the home down. I was Mr. Mom for the past 10-11 years. Taking care of the home, kids, going to work, training the dog, taking care of the yard, etc. Now, I didn't have to do any of that. It made me feel worthless for a little. The next day, I woke up...... and felt great! I went out, started furnishing the apartment, and made it my style. I started deleting and throwing out things I no longer needed/wanted to keep. That feeling of failure was very short-lived and I haven't had that gut feeling since. The divorce was easy to go through, this marriage has been over for years. I had to decipher how I felt about it and whether I still loved her or not because of the way I was feeling. After speaking to my therapist and getting feedback from you great people, I came to the conclusion that I don't. I haven't for a while even in the marriage and it took me a bit to see that.. I was confusing love for the trauma that I was just used to being in. (Not saying I didn't love her at all.. because I did.)

Now, I am working on getting my side gig profitable so it can be my main, doing a podcast, networking, and feeling great! I have so much time to myself as well as to take care of the things I want/need to do... Now, I can just be me and be comfortable in my own skin without having to worry about forever upsetting someone. I haven't really tried to put myself out there but I still have had several women approach me since and I have been loving it... Going out, having random fun times, and having laughs have been great. Now... I came across one person that really caught my eye. After talking, bantering back and forth, and meeting up for coffee, lunch, and dinner, we hit it off. It's great. Her vibe spoke to me and really resonated with mine, she felt the same way. We'd send each other good morning/night messages, little gifts, sayings, etc. You know, new relationship stuffs.

Now, here's the problem. She's currently going through a divorce and working on figuring things out. What next steps does she need to take to move forward with it, etc. We decided to back out and slow down a lot. The connection we had/have was a shock for both her and me. For some reason, I can't just "let go". I truly do like her and need to respect boundaries of course. She feels the absolute same for me but just needs time~. Now, normally my M.O. when it comes to a relationship ending is that I cut everything off from this person. Delete pictures, and messages, throw away things, etc. It's my way of moving on and not thinking about it. If I don't do that, it's leaving a window open. However, for The first time in as long as I can remember, for some reason, I couldn't do this with her. Something told me not to just yet... So I thought about it and I told her it would be best for us to start a friendship. I think that building a friendship 1st would make the relationship better if/when it happens. I really want to maintain this connection and at the same time, don't want to overdo it.

Is there a way I can "stay around", and foster that friendship with the intention of possibly being together? Or is this flat-out creeper status and I should just walk away?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

threats5_7496 said:


> Is there a way I can "stay around", and foster that friendship with the intention of possibly being together? Or is this flat-out creeper status and I should just walk away?


I think you should respect her decision. Always respect their decision, one way or another. I would back up, give her all the space in the world, and live my life as if she just walked out of it. If she is actually interested, she will come around. If she isn't, then there is nothing you can say to change her mind. If you respect her decision and handle yourself with some confidence, she will at least respect you and women are attracted to men they respect.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> I think you should respect her decision. Always respect their decision, one way or another. I would back up, give her all the space in the world, and live my life as if she just walked out of it. If she is actually interested, she will come around. If she isn't, then there is nothing you can say to change her mind. If you respect her decision and handle yourself with some confidence, she will at least respect you and women are attracted to men they respect.


^^^^ quoted for truth. @Enigma32 nailed it. Back off and move on OP. If there’s a way to stay in contact let her make that happen if that’s what she wants. Otherwise, slap yourself out of it and move on. Respect her decision.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old are your kids?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would back away a bit (sounds like you are) if she’s going through a divorce. You may be a breath of fresh air to her because she’s bogged down in a divorce but she needs time to breathe from that part of her life ending. I don’t see anything wrong with being her friend but I’d just be cautious until she’s divorced.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

threats5_7496 said:


> I'm officially divorced. Was pretty fast and amicable. I moved out on my own and doing my own thing. I thought it was going to be hard because on day 1 of me being in the apartment I just broke down. Like I failed you know? Not that I was missing my ex or anything because I wasn't, far from it. It was more of coming to terms with a death of a love connection. Kind of like I have failed... you know? I use to hold the home down. I was Mr. Mom for the past 10-11 years. Taking care of the home, kids, going to work, training the dog, taking care of the yard, etc. Now, I didn't have to do any of that. It made me feel worthless for a little. The next day, I woke up...... and felt great! I went out, started furnishing the apartment, and made it my style. I started deleting and throwing out things I no longer needed/wanted to keep. That feeling of failure was very short-lived and I haven't had that gut feeling since. The divorce was easy to go through, this marriage has been over for years. I had to decipher how I felt about it and whether I still loved her or not because of the way I was feeling. After speaking to my therapist and getting feedback from you great people, I came to the conclusion that I don't. I haven't for a while even in the marriage and it took me a bit to see that.. I was confusing love for the trauma that I was just used to being in. (Not saying I didn't love her at all.. because I did.)
> 
> Now, I am working on getting my side gig profitable so it can be my main, doing a podcast, networking, and feeling great! I have so much time to myself as well as to take care of the things I want/need to do... Now, I can just be me and be comfortable in my own skin without having to worry about forever upsetting someone. I haven't really tried to put myself out there but I still have had several women approach me since and I have been loving it... Going out, having random fun times, and having laughs have been great. Now... I came across one person that really caught my eye. After talking, bantering back and forth, and meeting up for coffee, lunch, and dinner, we hit it off. It's great. Her vibe spoke to me and really resonated with mine, she felt the same way. We'd send each other good morning/night messages, little gifts, sayings, etc. You know, new relationship stuffs.
> 
> ...


Did you sleep with her? 

I had a 'rebound' relationship. I was going through divorce and was hooked pretty quickly. It felt so good. The text thing, just like you described. I ended up living with her for awhile for temporary health reasons and the whole thing became way too intense. I mean, it went like 8 months total but I moved WAY too fast. 

Be careful.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it depends on what she wants to do. If she needs time and space to deal with things without you in the picture, leave it that _she _will contact _you _when (and if) she's ready. In the meantime, keep dating and having fun, since it is likely that she won't be in touch later. If she wants to keep seeing you, but casually, then do so, but don't be exclusive, and date other women, since there is no assurance of how things will go with her later. Either of you can change your minds at any time, of course, and proceed differently.

My divorce took 7 years (not my fault!). I was dating a few weeks after I moved out, and was in my current 22 year relationship about 8 months later.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> How old are your kids?


23, 19, and 12


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Did you sleep with her?
> 
> I had a 'rebound' relationship. I was going through divorce and was hooked pretty quickly. It felt so good. The text thing, just like you described. I ended up living with her for awhile for temporary health reasons and the whole thing became way too intense. I mean, it went like 8 months total but I moved WAY too fast.
> 
> Be careful.


We did. I have my own place though and LOVE the hell out of my privacy and space. I don't want to move in and or be serious like that with anyone yet. I was worried about it going way too fast as well which is why on top of her needing to finish out her divorce, we decided to back down. I'm not a fan of it really but it needs to be done.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, it depends on what she wants to do. If she needs time and space to deal with things without you in the picture, leave it that _she _will contact _you _when (and if) she's ready. In the meantime, keep dating and having fun, since it is likely that she won't be in touch later. If she wants to keep seeing you, but casually, then do so, but don't be exclusive, and date other women, since there is no assurance of how things will go with her later. Either of you can change your minds at any time, of course, and proceed differently.
> 
> My divorce took 7 years (not my fault!). I was dating a few weeks after I moved out, and was in my current 22 year relationship about 8 months later.


You're right. I am working on shaking this feeling I have. Re-evaluating it to make sure it wasn't or is a phase type thing.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

threats5_7496 said:


> We did. I have my own place though and LOVE the hell out of my privacy and space. I don't want to move in and or be serious like that with anyone yet. I was worried about it going way too fast as well which is why on top of her needing to finish out her divorce, we decided to back down. I'm not a fan of it really but it needs to be done.


If she is not even out of her divorce, her emotions are pretty out there right now (likely). Sex with someone new can really be validating and then you have the chemicals, etc. that cloud your thinking even more. So the rebound thing-- that is for real. Not saying you guys are not a good couple but right now is a hard time to go there...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Back the he'll out of it. You're not ready. She's not ready. You two get together and after a short while it most likely will fail.

Date, casual sex, all fine. When she's done with her divorce, she still will need time to plateau emotionally in order for her to be seriously ready again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has the divorce even begun yet? Who is divorcing who and why are they getting divorced? 
Personally I think that it's far too soon for either if you to be dating again, after all you have just slept with a married woman.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

threats5_7496 said:


> I'm officially divorced. Was pretty fast and amicable. I moved out on my own and doing my own thing. I thought it was going to be hard because on day 1 of me being in the apartment I just broke down. Like I failed you know? Not that I was missing my ex or anything because I wasn't, far from it. It was more of coming to terms with a death of a love connection. Kind of like I have failed... you know? I use to hold the home down. I was Mr. Mom for the past 10-11 years. Taking care of the home, kids, going to work, training the dog, taking care of the yard, etc. Now, I didn't have to do any of that. It made me feel worthless for a little. The next day, I woke up...... and felt great! I went out, started furnishing the apartment, and made it my style. I started deleting and throwing out things I no longer needed/wanted to keep. That feeling of failure was very short-lived and I haven't had that gut feeling since. The divorce was easy to go through, this marriage has been over for years. I had to decipher how I felt about it and whether I still loved her or not because of the way I was feeling. After speaking to my therapist and getting feedback from you great people, I came to the conclusion that I don't. I haven't for a while even in the marriage and it took me a bit to see that.. I was confusing love for the trauma that I was just used to being in. (Not saying I didn't love her at all.. because I did.)
> 
> Now, I am working on getting my side gig profitable so it can be my main, doing a podcast, networking, and feeling great! I have so much time to myself as well as to take care of the things I want/need to do... Now, I can just be me and be comfortable in my own skin without having to worry about forever upsetting someone. I haven't really tried to put myself out there but I still have had several women approach me since and I have been loving it... Going out, having random fun times, and having laughs have been great. Now... I came across one person that really caught my eye. After talking, bantering back and forth, and meeting up for coffee, lunch, and dinner, we hit it off. It's great. Her vibe spoke to me and really resonated with mine, she felt the same way. We'd send each other good morning/night messages, little gifts, sayings, etc. You know, new relationship stuffs.
> 
> ...


I would stay away. See what happens after she is divorced.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Has the divorce even begun yet? Who is divorcing who and why are they getting divorced?
> Personally I think that it's far too soon for either if you to be dating again, after all you have just slept with a married woman.


It has begun. She is divorcing him. He already moved out as well. Drinking problems, disconnection from her, etc.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

threats5_7496 said:


> We did. I have my own place though and LOVE the hell out of my privacy and space. I don't want to move in and or be serious like that with anyone yet.


That's good to hear. Your 12 year old doesn't need any exposure to anyone that he or she may perceive as mommy's replacement. Divorce is hard enough on kids. Don't make it harder by bringing anyone that you are dating around so you kid has to compete for you affection.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Jumping into the dating pool while going through a divorce or right after one is always a great idea. Yes, that’s sarcasm. Only do it if you want to hurt and get hurt.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

First congrats on getting over the trauma of your marriage dissintagrating. Your first paragraph was pretty close to my experience. As far as moving on I would be cautious with anyone still in the process. Its a horrible and confusing time and all people handle it differently. This is just coming from my perspective but I would really slow walk it. Nothing wrong with staying in touch and letting her conclude what she needs to do before getting more serious. Just let her know that. Good luck


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

I have decided to let it go. Thanks all for your feedback!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up and understand rebounds. The thing is hurt people hurt people. Stay away from divorcing or recently divorced people.
It sounds like you are doing well. Out with the old in with the new.
Do not introduce your kid to anyone new unless you are sure and have some history
They can get hurt at that age too.
For your future no other woman is going to want an x in the mix. You can co parent effectively by text or email. Establish boundaries. Civil but distant.
IMO divorced mean separation. Independence in a man is an attractive trait. 
Learning to live alone has benefits. Fix that first. You don’t need more drama at this time.


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## Dean G (7 mo ago)

If she's only just getting through a divorce, chances are, her emotions and judgements may not be all that thorough. Regardless of this, it's only beneficial to focus on yourself and your own goals etc. while she's sorting out her life. A relationship built on friendship is great, and if you're happy/accepting of this for the time being then that's cool.

Don't disregard other women though, you might find yourself meeting someone else, and of course, you'll either get the vibe or you won't, but don't close yourself off because you're subconsciously waiting for her to be ready.


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## johntoliver (4 mo ago)

my man after reading your story i think you are a strong man and you know how to deal that moving on **** and she is in her lowest phase so maybe she don't know how to manage all things so let her have her space and time to beat that phase and come out of it


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

threats5_7496 said:


> I'm officially divorced. Was pretty fast and amicable. I moved out on my own and doing my own thing. I thought it was going to be hard because on day 1 of me being in the apartment I just broke down. Like I failed you know? Not that I was missing my ex or anything because I wasn't, far from it. It was more of coming to terms with a death of a love connection. Kind of like I have failed... you know? I use to hold the home down. I was Mr. Mom for the past 10-11 years. Taking care of the home, kids, going to work, training the dog, taking care of the yard, etc. Now, I didn't have to do any of that. It made me feel worthless for a little. The next day, I woke up...... and felt great! I went out, started furnishing the apartment, and made it my style. I started deleting and throwing out things I no longer needed/wanted to keep. That feeling of failure was very short-lived and I haven't had that gut feeling since. The divorce was easy to go through, this marriage has been over for years. I had to decipher how I felt about it and whether I still loved her or not because of the way I was feeling. After speaking to my therapist and getting feedback from you great people, I came to the conclusion that I don't. I haven't for a while even in the marriage and it took me a bit to see that.. I was confusing love for the trauma that I was just used to being in. (Not saying I didn't love her at all.. because I did.)
> 
> Now, I am working on getting my side gig profitable so it can be my main, doing a podcast, networking, and feeling great! I have so much time to myself as well as to take care of the things I want/need to do... Now, I can just be me and be comfortable in my own skin without having to worry about forever upsetting someone. I haven't really tried to put myself out there but I still have had several women approach me since and I have been loving it... Going out, having random fun times, and having laughs have been great. Now... I came across one person that really caught my eye. After talking, bantering back and forth, and meeting up for coffee, lunch, and dinner, we hit it off. It's great. Her vibe spoke to me and really resonated with mine, she felt the same way. We'd send each other good morning/night messages, little gifts, sayings, etc. You know, new relationship stuffs.
> 
> ...


Dating after D should be a requirement. 

Helps with getting out of your own head and speeds recovery.


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## Dughis (Oct 31, 2019)

When I divorced, it was hard for me, but I started dating. Some of these tips actually helped me. Try it.


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