# I need guy advice



## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

About a month ago I discovered that for the past year my husband of 9 years had/has become a compulsive mastrubator. During this time his sexual encounters with me slowly diminished to non existent, I tried he made excuses, if I tried to hug him kiss him etc he acted like it was disgusting. I started feeling extremely rejected around last oct or nov. I bought lingere, he laughed at me in it, he encouraged me to be gone when he was home sending me on tons of errands and never wanting to go. When I was home and so was he, he literally spent hours in the bathroom. I'm NOT fat, ugly etc. guys hit on me all the time and he gets blazingly jealous. He doesnt let me wear skirts, low cut shirts, and I even bought cowboy boots (I'm a southern gal) and put them on with shorts and a tank top a few months ago and he wouldn't let me out of the bedroom. I returned the boots because what's the point having them if I can wear them. I tried to cuddle with him, leave him little notes in his wallet etc and he threw them away 'by accident' is what he said and he always acted like he was asleep when I tried to cuddle and a few times backhanded me in the face pushing me away. I can't count the times I cried at night and begged him to just hug me, comfort me anything! My mom attempted suicide a few months ago and my grandfather is dying and I was having nightmares nightly ad needed someone to reassure me. He would mumble to me and roll over and sleep while I sobbed next to him to hours. During this time he would gladly allow me to suck his junk, euaculate in my mouth and then if I got any on him he'd act disgusted. Never would he even try to touch me back. This is the cliffs notes version. 

So when I finally found the porn, it was in an iTunes backup of us iPad on my laptop. It wasn't just girl porn it was gay porn, tranny porn, beastiality, every race imaginable, just so much stuff it made me sick. I also our it in my 3 year old iPad Internet history. I confronted him, he gave me no explanation except "I don't know" said he couldn't help himself and wanted help to stop. Swore it would never happen again (keep in mind boys he had a very willing wife that he turned down over and over) told me he didn't want to lose me etc. he's been the man I fell in love with which is great, it's what I want and need. But he now can't get or maintain an erection unless I have my mouth on is stuff. He stays hard anytime it's in my mouth and the minute he tries to penetrate my vag it dies. His testosterone wa checked a month or so ago as well at it was low at 200 (he's 30) by the dr put him on T boosters and said he should recoup quickly. Labs said he was 390 last week so that's a change but as his T had went up his ED has gotten worse. I've read about porn induced ED but not the mechanics of it and how to cure it. This whole situation makes me just feel not good enough for him and I can't seem to shake the flashbacks of all the times he rejected me, ridiculed me let me cry myself to sleep etc... Yet he apologizes promised it was him not me, says he will never hurt me like that again yadda yadda. 

Other than the erectile issues and my insecurities, I am positive for breast cancer genetics and have a lump that was benign but the dr is persistent that I have a preventive bilateral mastectomy. At this point I'd rather get breast cancer than opt or surgery that makes me less of a woman and could give him the desire to abandon me again. 

Soooo is this how all men really are? Why is it he swears I turn him on yet he can't get it up to put in me but can be hard as a rock for oral? I love him and he's been wonderful as a person for the last month since the confrontation, but I'm too afraid to open the walls in my heart up especially when I feel like I can't turn him on. So how bout some dude input here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

From what I've read elsewhere, some men with erectile difficulties will retreat to porn. Porn can offer a safe sexual outlet, where there are no consequences if he can't perform. No on else will know. There is no humiliation. Does he seem stressed when he can't perform with you? I'm read accounts were the women belittled their husband and lamented that THEY were humiliated.

A testosterone level of 390 is still pretty low. Is he getting his estrogen levels checked? Additional testosterone can drive up estrogen, which can make other problems worse. Also, those are total testosterone levels. Free testosterone could have actually gone down.

His ridiculing of you is unacceptable. It may have been a bad way for him to try to discourage you from dressing up. He may want to avoid being put into a situation where he could fail sexually. His other behavior makes me wonder whether he has some emotional issues that need to be treated.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

hiswife628 said:


> About a month ago I discovered that for the past year my husband of 9 years had/has become a compulsive mastrubator. During this time his sexual encounters with me slowly diminished to non existent, I tried he made excuses, if I tried to hug him kiss him etc he acted like it was disgusting. I started feeling extremely rejected around last oct or nov. I bought lingere, he laughed at me in it, *That is nothing to do with his compulsions, that is just cruel* he encouraged me to be gone when he was home sending me on tons of errands and never wanting to go. When I was home and so was he, he literally spent hours in the bathroom. I'm NOT fat, ugly etc. guys hit on me all the time and he gets blazingly jealous. He doesnt let me wear skirts, low cut shirts, and I even bought cowboy boots (I'm a southern gal) and put them on with shorts and a tank top a few months ago and he wouldn't let me out of the bedroom. I returned the boots because what's the point having them if I can wear them. I tried to cuddle with him, leave him little notes in his wallet etc and he threw them away 'by accident' is what he said and he always acted like he was asleep when I tried to cuddle and a few times backhanded me in the face pushing me away. I can't count the times I cried at night and begged him to just hug me, comfort me anything! My mom attempted suicide a few months ago and my grandfather is dying and I was having nightmares nightly ad needed someone to reassure me. He would mumble to me and roll over and sleep while I sobbed next to him to hours. During this time he would gladly allow me to suck his junk, euaculate in my mouth and then if I got any on him he'd act disgusted. Never would he even try to touch me back. This is the cliffs notes version.
> 
> So when I finally found the porn, it was in an iTunes backup of us iPad on my laptop. It wasn't just girl porn it was gay porn, tranny porn, beastiality, every race imaginable, just so much stuff it made me sick. I also our it in my 3 year old iPad Internet history. I confronted him, he gave me no explanation except "I don't know" said he couldn't help himself and wanted help to stop. Swore it would never happen again (keep in mind boys he had a very willing wife that he turned down over and over) told me he didn't want to lose me etc. he's been the man I fell in love with which is great, it's what I want and need. But he now can't get or maintain an erection unless I have my mouth on is stuff. He stays hard anytime it's in my mouth and the minute he tries to penetrate my vag it dies. His testosterone wa checked a month or so ago as well at it was low at 200 (he's 30) by the dr put him on T boosters and said he should recoup quickly. Labs said he was 390 last week so that's a change but as his T had went up his ED has gotten worse. I've read about porn induced ED but not the mechanics of it and how to cure it. This whole situation makes me just feel not good enough for him and I can't seem to shake the flashbacks of all the times he rejected me, ridiculed me let me cry myself to sleep etc... Yet he apologizes promised it was him not me, says he will never hurt me like that again yadda yadda.
> 
> ...


your husband is cruel. he has a severe problem with his pornography habits because it is disrupting other areas of his life.

for some context i will tell you a few things;

I am a married man that uses porn as a masturbation aid.

I dont choose porn over sex with my wife. ever.

I dont try to re enact porn with my wife.

I dont compare my wife with women (actresses?) in porn; they are not flesh and blood to me - i am watching a video.

I find transexual/animal/child/gay porn distasteful/immoral, and do not view these.

I suggest he and you, go to see a therapist about this.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

hiswife628 said:


> Other than the erectile issues and my insecurities, I am positive for breast cancer genetics and have a lump that was benign but the dr is persistent that I have a preventive bilateral mastectomy. At this point I'd rather get breast cancer than opt or surgery that makes me less of a woman and could give him the desire to abandon me again.
> 
> Soooo is this how all men really are? Why is it he swears I turn him on yet he can't get it up to put in me but can be hard as a rock for oral? I love him and he's been wonderful as a person for the last month since the confrontation, but I'm too afraid to open the walls in my heart up especially when I feel like I can't turn him on. So how bout some dude input here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The surgery will not make you less of a woman. Being alive and cancer free makes you more of a woman.

This is not how all men are. Turning him on, if possible, may take more emotional reassurance than physical tempting (how strong, how handsome, how smart he is). What about watching porn with him? Viagra?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hiswife628 said:


> At this point I'd rather get brst cancer than opt or surgery that makes me less of a woman and could give him the desire to abandon me again.
> 
> Soooo is this how all men really are?


No, this is not how men really are. This isn't a man you're dealing with. More like an adult child and/or someone with a number of issues.

You seem to have low self-esteem, which probably was not helped by your H. You'd prefer to get cancer vs. your husband abandoning you? Sounds like he already has. 

You need to take care of yourself first.


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

He's been seeing a psychiatrist for about 9 months and is on antidepressant (Wellbutrin which is supposed to cause no sexual side effects) and a mood stabilizer which again no side effects. I have NEVER ridiculed him at all. I tried to ask him questions about it and tried to tell him that he may need to see a urologist if it's truly a problem and that I'd be by his side all the way. I told him that over and over. He never would attempt oral sex on me in 9 years of marriage 11 together until I rather straight forward told him that I was putting his **** in my mouth and giving him all kinds of quivering effects yet he won't even go there on me. I had to say that several times and went in strike for a few weeks with him and finally he did it. Now that's basically is out to avoid real sex. Yet I want that actual intimate connection from that as some kind of reassurance that it's still possible to connect. 

Estrogen wasn't checked, but the T levels were done late afternoon around 3-4pm and the dr said they are usually best o test first thing in the morning. He tried several drugstore sexual enhancement things and said he felt more blood flow but still couldn't maintain an erection other than for oral. That's the part that gets me.. He's fine for oral and hand jobs etc. it's real sex at he's not. 

Forgive my typos I'm using an iPad and apple has a twisted sense of humor with autocorrect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It is normal for people masturbate and watch porn. 
Pornography addiction, is excessive pornography use that interferes with daily life. 
That is what you describe. The excessive amount of porn is rewiring his brain. He needs help. He needs to recognized it's a problem. You can not do it for him.

Here's a link with resources you may find helpful. 

How to Stop Porn Addiction - Free Help Overcoming Pornography

Edit; As for your cancer diagnoses. My wife had a radical mastectomy. She is a survivor and we enjoy an active sex life. I feel no less attracted to her.


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

I was sexually abused most of my life and an x husband used to make me watch him jack off to porn. My husband now was aware when he met me that I'd rather be single than have porn in my life or feel like I have to compete with it. On another hand he's not ok with me posting a pic of my nice 38Ds in a bra of course anonymously online, he gets very offensive if guys hit on me on Xbox if I play mw3, to the point that he tried to make me change my gamer tag to something without girl in it and to make my avatar a guy. He thinks I have the hots for Tim Tebow lol... I don't I'm a football fan, and a gator fan, followed Tim his whole career and now I ave his book and when I read it before bed he tells me he has dreams I leave him or tebow. I told him its hilarious he thinks like that because if I didn't love him and inky him why the hell would I still be here being his perfect little wifey
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Have you considered if you wish to continue in the relationship?

I am not trying to suggest you should or shouldn't, just asking.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hiswife628 said:


> On another hand he's not ok with me posting a pic of my nice 38Ds in a br* of course anonymously online...


And why would you want to do this?


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

Well, I'm not like that. Getting hard for oral but not vaginal sounds like a psychological problem. I have heard of men who were like that, but they were men who, for one reason or another, didn't like women.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hiswife,

All this dysfunction can be related to excessive porn and masturbation rewiring his brain's reaction toward you.

The question is, what will you do about it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> And why would you want to do this?


:iagree: Yeah.........................


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> And why would you want to do this?


I wouldn't. It was a hypothetical statement that I presented to him to see how he might feel if the tables were slightly turned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Hiswife,
> 
> All this dysfunction can be related to excessive porn and masturbation rewiring his brain's reaction toward you.
> 
> The question is, what will you do about it?


What more can I do about it? I am the perfect wife in every way I'm capable of being. Do whatever I can sexually to keep him satisfied. Daily usually. And I'm completely supportive in everything he has issues with. I keep my internal struggles to myself such as feeling totally insignificant and such. But it eventually gets to me and that's why I'm here asking other guys input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

hiswife628 said:


> I am the perfect wife in every way I'm capable of being.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one is perfect. Just sayin'.

What you can do about it is explain the consequences. Say to him "If you do this, then I will do that. But if you do THAT, I will do something else"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

hiswife628 said:


> What more can I do about it? I am the perfect wife in every way I'm capable of being. Do whatever I can sexually to keep him satisfied. Daily usually. And I'm completely supportive in everything he has issues with. I keep my internal struggles to myself such as feeling totally insignificant and such. But it eventually gets to me and that's why I'm here asking other guys input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





anchorwatch said:


> It is normal for people masturbate and watch porn.
> Pornography addiction, is excessive pornography use that interferes with daily life.
> That is what you describe. The excessive amount of porn is rewiring his brain. He needs help. He needs to recognized it's a problem. You can not do it for him.
> 
> ...


*Did you read my original post? YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. ONLY HE CAN CHANGE HIM. You can set boundaries and consequences. Check out the link. Tell him he needs to stop or the marriage is on the line.*


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## hiswife628 (May 29, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> *Did you read my original post? YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. ONLY HE CAN CHANGE HIM. You can set boundaries and consequences. Check out the link. Tell him he needs to stop or the marriage is on the line.*


Yes I read your post. Haven't been able to check the link because I'm mobile. I will once I get home. And believe me I have told him this is how it has to be and this is where I stand but then I feel like I'm being one Of those overbearing *****y wives that dudes rag their friends about because I am telling him he can't look at porn etc as it obviously consumes him and I'm then nobody. But you read very mixed thoughts from guys. Those who swear dudes have every right and that wives need to get over themselves it's just a fantasy blah blah.. And then there we blogs all over the web of guys saying ok I'm quitting this... Counting the days... Day 16 I was doing great then I saw my sister in her bathing suit and relapsed I'm a failure.... Or dudes that have went as far as cutting out cable and Internet like they really have no self control?!??? It baffles me! Are men that weak? I never thought my husband was 'that' kind of guy. He was my best friend and it grew to more. We went to college together worked together. We were that couple that everyone couldn't understand how we were so in love seeing each other 24/7. I'm the gal his coworkers hit on, that his friends say if he's ever tired of me they call dibs. I don't really want it that way but I'd think it would make him see that he has a wife that other men think is hot yet she's hopelessly devoted to him. 

I told him as much as I love him I can't let him break me over and over. And I refuse to change him. But while trying to help him through everything, I don't know what lines I can cross. Do I let him cancel his urologist appt? Or do I make him go and tell him that he needs to bring up the porn mastrubation issue since it could be part of the problem. 

Ugh, I just want to feel important again  sex isn't everything by any means but I'm kinda afraid if I don't do something to relieve him even if he can't get it up he might revert back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

We all have weaknesses. It's only human. Things start off innocently then they progress, before you know it your hooked. It releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. You've read the stories on the web now. You see it's just like a kicking a drug habit. 
Stop this other nonsense that it has anything to do with you. It's not your looks or your love. Its his brain, it doesn't react to normal sex any more. Get him to go for help. Stand your ground. Try the link and find help near you. Good luck, wish you both well.


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