# One year gone...



## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

I have a problem... 

I love my wife, our first anniversary is comming up but we have an issue. 

my childhood best friend who I grew up with as brother and sister who I barely have an relationship with as an adult arrived to our wedding late and was allowed to enter the sanctuarry by the wedding coordinator during the processional right before the flower girl and the coordinator had her and her mother sit in the back pew. Then she and her mother left the reception early during the father daughter dance... at the time I did not notice any of this but my new wife made clear to me how she felt about the situation... she feels still to this day that it was done on purpose... I did not believe it at the time that it was purposeful and I still have trouble today seeing that it was on purpose because I've know her for so long and I cant imagine her doing that to me and my wife at our wedding. I agreed from day one that she should have known better and that it was stupid to come and leave when she did... 

Now almost a year later I'm still paying for "defending" this person and not being on my wifes side, when I never defended the actions... I just dont believe it was purposeful

The problem now is that her father has just gone on the transplant list for his one remaining kidney... and all of the photos from the wedding with her and her father walking down the aisle or dancing has this person in the background... 

I feel like my mairrage and my relationship with my wife is forever tarnished... and I dont know what to do... 

She thinks it was on purpose, I dont, other people where were there her friends think it was too... Nobody has ever brought it up to me, I even asked people if they saw anything unusual... and they just said it was a beautiful wedding 

I dont know how to believe something is true without knowing that is it true in my heart... I feel like I've failed my wife in the first hours of our marriage and that because of that she felt I betrayed her and abandoned her... so I feel like I deserve all of the crap I've had to deal with this entire year no matter how much I've tried to be the best husband I k now how to be... I just dont know how to believe something I can't believe... and I dont have any way of confronting the situation and trying to solve it without making things worse in my wifes eyes. 

I dont know what to do

help


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seriously, I think it's time for you to call her on this BS. I mean really, grow up. It's done, nothing can change it, it's time to move on with life. What's more important your wedding or your marriage?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Regardless of whether your friend did this on purpose isn't really realtive at all to the issues you have in your marriage.

Your wife is taking this a an insult to her on your special day. I think she really needs to let go of this. The purpose of that day was to join the two of you in marriage. Her holding on to this anger towards you is poisioning your marriage. I'd suggest counseling to help her get past something that she cannot change.

If it serves to improve your relationship with your wife. offer to remove this person from your life from this point on and do that!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Tell your wife to read this site. She needs to know what real problems are.

This is ridiculous.


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

I have told her from the beginning and even as recently as this weekend I'm willing to cut all ties to the person but she says no because it will make things worse because she feels my family will not understand and will then dislike her because that person is basically like a family member... there is literally nothing I can do... I have been thinking about seeing a counselor just for my own mental well being... I'm pretty sure asking her to go will just make it worse... she is scared for her father and his kidney and she says all the photos of her and her father on that day are ruined because of this person in the background... I feel its impossible to just ask her to get over something that emotional


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Maybe your wife feels you like this other woman and is feeling insecure? Can you have someone photoshop the woman out of the pics with your wife's dad? How old is she and what's her birth order? This is a little ridiculous but I'm thinking maybe something else is bothering her?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm with others here. You wife is acting like a child and has blown this all out of proportion. She needs to move on as do you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The wife is being unreasonable for whatever reason. It does seem lose-lose. But I have a fabulous idea.

For your 1 year anniversary, get the original digital image of the best photo of her father walking her down the isle from the photographer (may have to pay a fee; explain) and have a professional photoshop the woman and her mother out. A skilled person can do beautiful work. Maybe they blur everyone in the background and leave wife and Dad in focus. Ask the photographer for a reference. Present it as your anniversary present to her. 

You're welcome.


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

she says she never thought me and the person had any romantic past or thoughts... I dont fully believe that though because of other statements she has made... she says she just believes this person did all of this stuff for attention... to make the day about her... something that I just cant believe... at the reception the person came up and said " I cant believe your getting married first, I always thought it would be me" and my wife brings that up as trying to grab attention and make it about her...

what hurts the most is that this entire year my wife has talked about how much she hated our wedding day, she even acted like she did not want to do anything for our first anniversary... My wedding day was the best day of my life and I'm excited about our anniversary and his hurts so much when she talks like that, and when I tell her she just says well what do you expect?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife is jealous of your childhood friend. Your childhood friend is narcissistic.

Photoshop the friend out of the pictures. You can't redo that day so your wife needs to start acting like a grownup instead of a little girl.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

"I expect you to feel happy that we stood beside each other and pledged our lives together instead of focusing your attention on somebody you think was trying to take attention from you. Especially when nobody noticed so their attempt wasn't even successful. Even though I don't think that she was, I know you believe that so let's say you're right. If so, you seem to be the only person who gave her that attention, so why do you keep on letting her win?"


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

thanks everyone, I have not been able to talk to anyone else about this, it felt good to get it off my chest finally


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

What's done is done. She needs to stop. There is absolutely NOTHING either of you can do about it now. So ask her -- "Honey, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that this is a bad memory for you but what can I do about it? What will make you feel better? How can I fix it?" If she says "Nothing" (which likely will be her response) then you need to tell her she needs to let it go and accept it for what it is. It's not like you told your friend to show up late, leave early and make sure she does the Waldo thing in all the pictures of her and her dad. Remind her that this was your day too. Not just hers. Agree to disagree but pick your battles carefully. At the end of the day you need to have your wife's back. But even pity parties need to come to an end eventually. 

And like EnjoliWoman said above, for your one year anniversary, take a few pictures of the wedding and have them mocked up. Do one of the two of you, one of her and her father and another special one. It'll be an absolutely perfect gift! 

Whatever you do, don't buy her a soapbox for your anniversary. Sounds like she already has one.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Even if it WAS done on purpose, so what? It says loads about them and nothing about you or your wife. Is her self esteem so low that she believes that someone else's ignorant act is somehow a comment on her? 

Is your wife going to get bent out of shape over every small slight, real or perceived? Holding grudges takes time and energy away from truly important pursuits. 

Also, have you found out why they left early? Maybe her mother was suffering from a kidney infection, was feeling ill, and had to leave? Either way, your wife has to rise above. There's no benefit to holding a grudge.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WHAT is the big damn deal?? SO WHAT if someone was late for your wedding, sh!t happens! Also people are entitled to leave early if they wish. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of someone being upset about for SO LONG. Your wife needs pull her head out of her a$$ and grow up, and YOU need to stop engaging with her over this! LET IT GO.

Besides, its the MARRIAGE that is important, not the wedding day.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

We all make choice in our life, and your wife is making a choice to react that way. She can decide the way she reacts. 
Just ask her some questions like this:
-Why do you let this person affect your happiness?
-Do you believe that you create your own happiness or do you think other are responsible for it?
- We cannot change what happen during that day, so what can you do to be able to enjoy this memory?
- How important is for you to stay together? So if it's so important for you, how can you see yourself being more happier/positive ?

Those are some ideas. I think she needs her eyes to open that life is not that bad and you guys don't need dramas in your life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well everyone dumped on the wife already so I won't bother with that. There has to be more to this story; has your bf treated your wife well? Does she do little things to let your wife know she had a closeness to you your wife doesn't have? Does she include your wife when she's around or just focus on you? Really think about this; opposite sex best friends can be a touchy thing if not handled properly and women do petty things like that all the time. maybe your wife is acting like a baby, I don't know, but since you'd like to solve this and simply telling your wife to grow up won't solve anything I thought it might be helpful to explore a different angle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

JJG said:


> Tell your wife to read this site. She needs to know what real problems are.
> 
> This is ridiculous.


Sorry, with all due respect I must take issue with this statement. Its not good to minimize anything that bothers someone; by that logic nobody here should complain about anything because people in war torn countries have it much worse. if it's causing trouble it's worth addressing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well everyone dumped on the wife already so I won't bother with that. There has to be more to this story; has your bf treated your wife well? Does she do little things to let your wife know she had a closeness to you your wife doesn't have? Does she include your wife when she's around or just focus on you? Really think about this; opposite sex best friends can be a touchy thing if not handled properly and women do petty things like that all the time. maybe your wife is acting like a baby, I don't know, but since you'd like to solve this and simply telling your wife to grow up won't solve anything I thought it might be helpful to explore a different angle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



this is my CHILDHOOD best friend... we grew up right across the street, she had a pool and a dog, and fairly well iff parents who took me with them on vacations and concerts... as we grew up we grew apart she was always my sister to me and to my older ststers... my sisters speak to her more now than I do, before I even met my wife I did not talk to my friend very often. my family even knew she had cancer well before I did. I never even called to talk to her during that situation. .. I never called to talk to her on her birthday, I skipped her bday party a few years ago because I did nit feel like dressing up... we were close as children... now not so much... my friend and my wife have only been aroundveach other 3 times... my birthdau the wedding and my nephews birthday... but she never liked her before she even meet her.... I hacve to go but I will come back with why in a few hours...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

ok here is the back story that she says did not contribute... 

1) when she first met my mom... my mom mentioned something that she has mentioned to me countless times before... she likes to stay out of her childrens relationships... that she is not the type to get too involved and attached... this is from her experience with my sisters past boyfriends and also seeing how these days parents are too involved in their childrens relationships... my wife took that to mean my mom did not wish to get to know her and is ambivalent towards her which I completely understand... and I explaind that that was not the case when she finally told me that bothered her... I am the youngest of my siblings who are 10 and 15 years older than me and im the first to get married and I was 31... my two sisters were close but never did... my dad died in 89 my mom is older, she wanted a future for her family but has been let down... I saw my wifes pov and got it but she did not trust my explination...

2) Im not a very public person. .. I dont talk to my mom often about my adult life... she had to call me in college to make sure I was ok... I went to college 10miles away from home... if that... sane when I moved into an apartment 5 miles away... all she knows about me in great detail is my childhood... so when she is in a situation to talk about me thats what she shares stories about. .. my childhood and by extention the person I soent the majority of my childhood with...

3) my family is real... especially around people they trust and like... we do ralk about things we feel are awkward and strange... like the ex of one of my sisters... we love him... grew very attached... my sister did something very stupid they were engaged he broke it off... 10 years later he married someone else... someone who is not a great person... we talk about that sometimes... 

4) all of the above points made my wife believe that my family lives in the past, that we dont embrace new people. .. and therefore dont embrace her... she has her masters in communications or interpersonal communications and uses that as justification for her pov... it does not mayter that I know these people cuz they are my family... she says that makes me blind to it

then the wedding happened...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

I dont care hiw she feels about my friend that I barely have a relationship with... I care about how she will never look at our wedding day as a great day and because of that had carried this anger throught our marriage. .. thanks again gor allowing me to vent her... I think this has really helped me mentally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It is possible that your wife simply wants you to "agree" with her.

Maybe say "Yes, you are probably right."

See if that gets her off your case.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MPD12 said:


> I dont care hiw she feels about my friend that I barely have a relationship with... I care about how she will never look at our wedding day as a great day and because of that had carried this anger throught our marriage. .. thanks again gor allowing me to vent her... I think this has really helped me mentally
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. maybe then you should tell your wife that maybe it was a little rude and you don't know if she did it on purpose but you don't care enough about this person to worry about it? Your real mistake was in defending this friend. If you don't even talk to her much why does it matter? Also, how does your family feel about your wife? my family also talks about everything, even uncomfortable things, so I understand that. If your family is like mine then any issue they have with her is well known. That's not always received well by someone that's not used to dealing with people like that. Don't ask me how I know this.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You married a woman who is batsh!t crazy. And now, you're depressed because you can't seem to tap dance fast enough to suppress her lunatic ravings. Well, guess what? You never will be.

Your wife is an unstable narcissist. She probably thinks the wedding planner was in on the conspiracy by seating your friend in such a photographically prominent place. Do you really think that you deal with an unstable narcissist by making it MORE about them? Of course not!

You need to realize that you have three options.
1. Keep tap dancing. Your wife will still be unhappy because you can never tap dance fast enough. So, you're both miserable.
2. Stop tap dancing. Live your life the way you want. Be happy. When your wife is being unreasonable, ignore her and let her decide whether she wants to stew in her own misery, or let it go and move on with you.
3. Leave her.

I suggest #2. It's possible that, if you take leadership of your own house, your wife will respond positively. However, it's also possible that she will leave you for a man who is willing to tap dance for her.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information.

Good luck.


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## MPD12 (Mar 27, 2013)

she knows I dont think she is right... ive tried that.. she does not believe that... the number one issue in all ov this is the intent... I agree walking in to take a seat right before the bride right after the maid of honor is idiotic and completely disrespectful and I say the coordinator should never have allowed her to do that and my friend and her mother shoyld have known better especially her mother... I think that was crazy... my problem is that I cant agree that it was done purposefully and with malicious attention seeking intent... thats where our divide lies... we had a duscussion about it the other day and we cleared the air but I know she will always hold that against me.

and my family loves her... but she is too reluctant to believe that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sorry, with all due respect I must take issue with this statement. Its not good to minimize anything that bothers someone; by that logic nobody here should complain about anything because people in war torn countries have it much worse. if it's causing trouble it's worth addressing.


With all due respect, I take issue with your statement.

We can acknowledge that we don't live in a third world country without giving legitimacy to every frivolous complaint an unstable mind can dream up. Frivolous issues are usually not worth addressing. There are enough legitimate issues in life already.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MPD12 said:


> I agree walking in to take a seat right before the bride right after the maid of honor is idiotic and completely disrespectful and I say the coordinator should never have allowed her to do that and my friend and her mother shoyld have known better especially her mother... I think that was crazy...


So, your friend should have been turned away? Or she should have stood outside and watched through a window?

What is idiotic is treating a wedding as more than it is. It's a ceremony involving friends and family to join two people together. It's not a coronation of the latest Disney princess.



> ... I know she will always hold that against me.


So you can accept that, or not. I would make two plans for your first anniversary. If your wife is willing to have a nice night, then go out for a nice dinner. However, if your wife brings up her "ruined" coronation during the day, leave her at home and go bowling with your friends. But, I'm that kind of guy. I don't tap dance.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Was this problem through the whole year or she stopped making this a problem and it only came after her father's problems and her looking at photos?

She feels like your family likes this friend more then her and now you are taking friend's side by saying it 100% wasn't on purpose.You could just say,whatever,maybe it was or maybe it wasn't on purpose and that you don't care about this friend that much anyway.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

MPD12 said:


> we had a duscussion about it the other day and we cleared the air but I know she will always hold that against me. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you really believe that your wife will always hold that against you? Is that very true? You don't believe that this belief can be change for a more pleasant one?

What believe would you like her to have? How can you both reach it all together?

Beliefs can be change anytime, there are just beliefs.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

I heard this said at a wedding once "You are not getting WEDDINGED, you're getting MARRIED" - it's past, gone, what lies ahead is all that counts now. Let it go.


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