# Feedback on this simple, but symptomatic issue



## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

(1 month post DDay, EA, second one is 4 years, we are in MC and individual counseling with a goal of reconciliation)

My biggest problem with her thinking the world should revolve around her needs.

Here is an example...am I just blowing this up in to something bigger?

So I was telling my therapist about how I am still confused after my wife's EA and how I understand that some couples just separate in order to get their thoughts together. He mentioned, why not separate on a small scale? Take a short trip just by yourself. Stay at a hotel for a few days, etc.

Immediately I thought of something that I had been wanting to do for a year or two. I have been wanting to go up to my hometown (less than 2 hours away but haven't had a reason to go in about 7-8 years). I wanted to go and take some pictures of my old school, old house, etc. I could leave on a Saturday morning, and come back Sunday morning. Just do some sight seeing and reminiscing. 

I mention it to my wife this morning (after a weekend of GREAT communication and normalcy). Her response? "So, you want to do this without *ME*?"

I explain that the whole idea was for me to take some time to clear my head and think...to help make ME better so that I can help OUR relationship.

Her response "Yeah, but the weekends are the only time we can spend time together."

So I just dropped it. I am hurt because I tried to explain an idea that I really liked, something that I thought would really help ME (the one that got cheated on) and in return help our relationship and the first thing I hear is "without *me*," then her second statement all but makes feel guilty for even thinking about taking away from "our" time.

Thoughts?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

"Yes, I do want to go on my own. It'll be great for both of us, and it's only one evening. Thanks"

Okay...it's not that easy in reality, but there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself in situations like this. You'll have to walk on eggshells otherwise. You have to make sure you are in a good place if she approves or not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Yes, say what Soccer said.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> "Yes, I do want to go on my own. It'll be great for both of us, and it's only one evening. Thanks"
> 
> Okay...it's not that easy in reality, but there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself in situations like this. You'll have to walk on eggshells otherwise. You have to make sure you are in a good place if she approves or not.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> "Yes, I do want to go on my own. It'll be great for both of us, and it's only one evening. Thanks"
> 
> Okay...it's not that easy in reality, but there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself in situations like this. You'll have to walk on eggshells otherwise. You have to make sure you are in a good place if she approves or not.



On the other hand can you trust your wife to be left alone at this stage. She doesn't sound completely rational yet. No telling what she might convince herself your up to and do something wrong.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Communicate. Tell her how you feel as a result of her betrayal. Tell her that you are doing the best you can to heal from what has happened and move forward. Tell her that this was suggested to you by a professional. This is not about her, this is about you. 

If she continues to object or tries to manipulate you with guilt then she does not respect your feelings that is a sure sign that she is not remorseful about her affair. 

Don't mistake regret for remorse. She may regret what happened (primarily regrets getting caught and regrets the fallout your pain is causing in her life. ie; Just wants it to go away /rug sweeper) and remorse (a by product of empathy. She genuinely understands the pain that her actions have caused to someone that she loves. Willingly takes or doesn't resist the actions needed to fix the mistake.)

IMHO, It's subtle but the difference between regret and remorse is also the difference between true, lasting reconciliation and temporary, false reconciliation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

John7308 said:


> I mention it to my wife this morning (after a weekend of GREAT communication and normalcy). Her response? "So, you want to do this without *ME*?"
> 
> Her response "Yeah, but the weekends are the only time we can spend time together."
> 
> ...


 You're a doormat. And women despise doormats. And often cheat on them.

Sorry, but those are my thoughts. What you describe reminds me of that phone commercial where the guy tells his wife he just signed them up for some plan, and she gripes and says 'I should have married so and so.' Instead of standing up for himself, he just whines 'it's free.'

You have TAUGHT her to be selfish. Maybe she's selfish in real life, but she doesn't HAVE to be selfish in your marriage if you don't allow it. 

Take the trip and teach her that you WILL honor yourself as much as you honor her. TEACH her to respect you and TEACH her how to treat you, by putting yourself equal. 

And get this book: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from www.bettermen.org.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> You're a doormat. ...
> ...Take the trip and teach her that you WILL honor yourself as much as you honor her...


This was exactly my first thought, too.

"Yes, without you. See, in the interest of communicating, I am telling you with clarity that given what you have done, I simply need to be away from you for a short little while right now, to clear my head and think things through. me sitting here *****ing at you about what you have done to me, during 'our' time, would do neither of us any good. And I've been wanting to do this trip for 7-8 years, but have put it off for "our time" every weekend. Clearly that got me nowhere positive with you, so yes I am taking this time for myself right now."


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

This scenario is exactly why I'm moving out as of Sept. 1st for three months. Not like a "see you in December scenario", but a legit separate place to give me an opportunity to think, make some decisions, and truly get myself to a mental state where I'm ready to move forward, with or without my WW. I want it to be with her, but it is difficult to know for sure while coming home to the house every night and running through our normal routine. Play with the kids, eat dinner as a family, watch a show, allow wife to cuddle (it's all her initiating though). I like the routine, but half the time I'm picturing her blowing the other guy, which clearly is a monsterous issue. I've been quite clear to her that she does not want me to hop back into this relationship in my current conflicted state, and I view the space as an opportunity for us to work on ourselves, before we fully fix the marriage. My WW very much wants things to be business as usual, but then again, while leading her double life she also acted totally normal to me whilst sleeping with other men.

I guess I'm saying, yes, you take the time you need, and you don ask for it, you just say how it is going to be. If she protests, tell her she always has the option to end things. I'm in the state of mind where if my WW ends it after a mere three months after discovery, she does me the favor of proving to me I'm wasting my time with a broken woman.

And FWIW, she completely accepted my decision of moving out. Only now will she do anything to stay with me. Hilarious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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