# desperate for help



## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

Hi all,
So I am desperate for some advice here. My hubby and I have been together about 4 years and married in Jan. About 3 weeks later he had to leave for a job ( he is in film) and we both agreed to the sacrifice because it was a great opportunity for him, and good for us financially. The job was supposed to be 6 months, and due to schedules, our childs school sched, etc we only saw eachother like 4 times, and 6 months became almost 8. When he first left we missed eachother like crazy, but toward the end of the job when he got home it was almost awkward. We sat down to talk a few weeks ago and he says to me "he dosent feel like he loves me any more". I was dumbfounded. We just got married!!!
He says he felt I neglected the house (nothings wrong with it, and it is very clean) and accuses me of ruining his credit by not sending him the bills every day (yet he has not actually checked his score-)hes just projecting fear for some reason. He is totally disconnected from me, and does not understand why. I feel that we disconnected a bit due to distance, etc. Texting is not enough to sustain a marriage, but I love him and think we just need to spend time together, and try to remember how we felt in Jan. I am starting to wonder if he could be depressed. He has all the symptoms of it, but if I bring it up he will probably not believe me. I dont know what to do. Any advice is truly appreciated. This is eating me up inside..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you think he may have had an affair? IDK but his behavior seems very suspect of that very thing.


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

I asked him that, and I know when he is lying... I looked dead into his eyes and he said no. And I believe him. Also the job he does he works like 16 hour days, so I dont think he would have time for an affair even if he wanted to. I started to suspect depression becuase he just looks SOOO sad..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Depression? I would think that he would have had signs of that before going off to this job. And don't ever think there's no time for affairs. It doesn't have to be physical to be an affair, and with all the electronic communication available, it's possible to not just carry on one relationship, but many.

What could he be so sad about? I would ask. Tell him you feel like you've lost him somewhere in the past several months and you'd like to know what's changed.


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

He actually does have a pattern of this shutting me out/depression type behavior. A few years ago when dating we broke up for a month because he was unhappy etc and assumed it was me that was the problem. Then when I was gone he realized that it was worse, and that it was not the little things between us making him unhappy, so we reconciled. Its true he does not have anything to be sad about. He had a fathful dedicated loving wife, great step son who worships him, great home, plenty of $$ nice cars etc, but nothing ever seems to be good enough. He was nominated for emmy and not even happy about it. Just focused on the fact that they didnt win. It's the always focusing on the negative that makes me feel like it could be depression. I did ask him exactly what you said and he says he dosent know. He just feels disconnected and dosent know how or if he can get it back. He has no SD, and im not like overweight, or something. On the contrary ive been called a milf.. lol I feel I have a pretty good understanding of men, but this situation has me so confused. I keep thinking affair too but he is a terrible liar and I think I would know and feel it if that was the case..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Well if you understand this to be his pattern, I would implore him to seek professional help for it. It's not you, so there's nothing you can personally do or change to make things better for him. He has to decide what his next step is. 

Glass is half empty people are difficult to live with. It sounds like that's what you have here. A person who is generally dissatisfied and unappreciative of the blessings he has in his life. You can't fix that for him.


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

Thank you for that. Its just so hard because I feel I am an amazing wife, I read all these posts about wives that dont have sex with husband, nag them, etc and I encourage him, support him, initiate sex, keep the house in great shape, as well as my appearance, im faithful and 1000 other things most men would kill for so it takes a toll on my self esteem. How do I suggest he get checked out? He is the type to say to me that 'drugs arent the answer to everything".. and I feel like as his wife if he is really suffering from depression, it is my job to get him help. I dont know how to approach it without making him feel embarassed or angry


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

ms.beesknees said:


> I started to suspect depression becuase he just looks SOOO sad..


1 - visit your local drug dealer
2 - purchase methylamphetamine
3 - put the meth in his morning coffee
4 - add lots of heavy cream to mask the taste of the drugs (cream makes coffee taste better because drugs like caffeine or meth dissolve in the milk fat)
5 - notice a remarkable lift in his mood

If that doens't work, he could try talking to a doctor. It's amazing how many drugs can treat depression, and most of them are incredibly cheap because they are off patent.
-SSRI drugs are useful for treating depression related to anxiety, loneliness, or irrational thoughts. Fluoxetine (Prozac) is likely the best drug in this category because it also increases dopamine and noradrenaline activity by antagonizing the 5-HT2c receptor. Fluoxetine also has an incredibly long half-life, so it doesn't have a hard crash when it wears off. I love this stuff. There are several different types of serotonin receptor, and the calming effects of SSRIs are mostly related to activation of 5-HT1a receptors.
-DNRI drugs like bupropion can lift general mood as well as motivation to do things. It is not very effective for treating anxiety, but it at least makes a person able to function so they don't negelct basic needs like showering and showing up to work. 
-SNRI drugs like venlafaxine and duloxetine have the mentally calming effects of SSRI drugs but they are also stimulating due to their effects on noradrenaline. I didn't like these. They felt great for a few hours then they felt horrible. Some people swear by them.
-Serotonin Antagonists like trazodone work by blocking 5-HT2a receptors which seem to be related to anxiety and crazy thoughts. Trazodone is a hard sedative that helps with sleep and anxiety problems. It can be given to offset the insomnia caused by SSRI, DNRI, and SNRI drugs.
-Tricyclics are old drugs from long long ago. They are very effective, but doctors don't like giving them out because they have a lot of negative side effects and they tend to kill old people. Different tricyclics have very different mechanisms of action, so it's hard to generalize their function.
-Tetracyclics like mirtazapine are weird because they're like a strong stimulant and a strong sedative at the same time. Blocking alpha-2 and 5-HT2c receptors leads to a sharp increase of dopamine and noradrenaline, but those stimulant effects are cancelled out by blocking histamine H1 receptors. As a result, this drug makes people extremely tired, but it leads to very high quality sleep. IMO, this is the best sleep aid on the market.
-MAOI drugs increase dopamine, serotonin, and noradrenaline by inhibiting the enzyme responsible for their destruction. MAOIs are extremely powerful and they are arguably the most effective, but doctors don't like giving them out because they can't be mixed with other drugs. Taking an MAOI then drinking a cup of coffee can lead to overstimulation. MAOIs also restrict a person's diet; eating a bunch of cheese can cause overstimulation.
-Atypical Antipsychotic drugs are sometimes given for depression. They mostly act as strong sedatives, and they help treat insomnia.


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

He dosent drink coffee unfortunately, more of a juice guy. I have a background in nursing( RN) and as much as I see signs of depression, I think he will resist me. When we had a talk I said that your emotions for someone just dont turn off.. especially when we just got married in jan and he was sooo happy. I said he must be angry at me or resenting me for something and all he has come up with is he talking about feeling I did not take care of the house good enough while he was away, and now that he is home he sees the house and how well i take care of it, but says im only doing it because he complained... not because I want to. We also bought a car about 4 months ago, and when he came home he was completely on board, wanted specific features for the dogs and camping etc, even got extended warranties etc, and then expressed anger to me about the purchase as though I made him do it. Do these things sound like depression or something else going on?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

OK, here is my take on it and it might not be one you want to hear. It is very possible that after 4 years together he may have gotten a taste of what it was like to be single again. No one to answer to. No one to account for his time. No one getting on his case to put his dirty dish in the sink. You know what I mean? I believe you when you say he wasn't cheating but perhaps with you two being apart he had thoughts of doing it but his consious stopped him. Although, I am hoping with him he will remember how wonderful it was to be with you and be in a committed and happy relationship. I'm sure you are both struggling with reconnecting and getting used to being around each other again. 

I am probably just projecting here because I had gone through this before too. My hubby was deployed after a year of marriage and, truth be told, I enjoyed doing my own thing when he was gone. I resented him coming back and that was the beginning of the end. But I was also very young and immature. I think if that happened now at my age then I'd do what it took to make it work. I hope your hubby does that too. 

And if he went from working a lot to not working very much then he may just be feeling general bordom but he is confusing that with being bored with you. Which is probably not the case.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

ms.beesknees said:


> we just got married in jan and he was sooo happy. I said he must be angry at me or resenting me for something and all he has come up with is he talking about feeling I did not take care of the house good enough while he was away, and now that he is home he sees the house and how well i take care of it, but says im only doing it because he complained... not because I want to. We also bought a car about 4 months ago, and when he came home he was completely on board, wanted specific features for the dogs and camping etc, even got extended warranties etc, and then expressed anger to me about the purchase as though I made him do it. Do these things sound like depression or something else going on?


Would you describe his happy phases as being normal or would you describe them as being a little over the top and happier than most people for days or weeks at a time?
Depression can cycle between feeling normal and feeling depressed. Bipolar cycles between mania and depression. It's a bit important to know which one you're dealing with because giving antidepressants to someone who has bipolar disorder can trigger manic episodes. It sounds fun, but it can be destructive if they have unrealistic optimism and start gambling and crazy spending.




IrishGirlVA said:


> OK, here is my take on it and it might not be one you want to hear. It is very possible that after 4 years together he may have gotten a taste of what it was like to be single again. No one to answer to. No one to account for his time. No one getting on his case to put his dirty dish in the sink. You know what I mean?


wtf? No I don't know what you mean. Me and my gf are never required to check in or explain our time. We don't ***** at each other over dishes or laundry or garbage. We try to act like adults.




> My hubby was deployed after a year of marriage and, truth be told, I enjoyed doing my own thing when he was gone.


He's such a jerk that it's easier to live without him than it is to live with him? You made the right choice to end it.


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

Definately between normal and depressed..


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to tell him that you think he is depressed. If he is clinically depressed, he needs to see a doctor. As his wife, you should be able to discuss all medical issues freely with your husband. 

That would be a first step.


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## OldSoulNZ (Sep 26, 2012)

It does sound like depression. The problem with that is he is the only one that can act on it and sort it out.

They are not quite so focussed on the medication solution here in New Zealand - if it's the medication that's stopping him from seeking help, perhaps he'd be willing to have a look at a website (set up by our government to help people suffering from depression - it's a big problem over here) aimed at educating and providing strategies: Depression - home

If you can get him to at least acknowledge depression is a possibility, and that it's not a weakness to seek help, then that's a first step.

The guy on the front is a famous All Black rugby player - just goes to show that no matter how successful you are, no matter how good your life is, you can still suffer from depression.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I recently spent some time apart due to new work situation and it was a bit harder when things got back to "normal" again than I thought. I guess I got used to fending for myself again and while my schedule kept me from really doing much more than work, I had no other demands on my time or energy, even good demands felt like just demands for a brief time. 

If you add depression to a situation like that, I could see it getting odd quickly. Any thought about going to talk to someone together?


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

As someone who has regularly suffered from depression throught my life, I urge you to suggest consuling to him. It's hard to feel anything when you are depressed and it can consume everything. If he refuses help, there is not much you can do about it unfortunately. I'm sorry for the painful situation


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the support. I have had depression as well and it's the worst. I'll talk with him some more,and hopefully something good happens. Thanks again for the support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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