# Please share ONE advice with someone heading to the altar...



## Romance Deluxe (May 28, 2014)

If you're married/ divorced or in a relationship, what is THE ONE, above all, gemstone advice you'll place in the hands of a marriage candidate?

Be it a :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: or a :nono::nono::nono: or both?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

#1 = Communication Communication Communication....

But it's too hard to stop at 1 !!....Honesty, no rug sweeping... being self aware... understanding each others imperfections/ your differences, can you hang with them...for life ??

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

Buy His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ this book devotes a chapter to each of the 10 Emotional Needs we need in marriage to keep it thriving.... a husband & wife will have these on a different scale or order of importance many times.. but to fully grasp their importance and also explains , giving marital examples, what can happen when we neglect each other...



> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Romance Deluxe said:


> If you're married/ divorced or in a relationship, what is THE ONE, above all, gemstone advice you'll place in the hands of a marriage candidate?
> 
> Be it a :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: or a :nono::nono::nono: or both?


Communication is key. Learn to _actively_ listen to your spouse, even if (and _*especially*_ if) he/she isn't _actively_ communicating.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I emphatically second this. How many problems that we've seen played out on this site had their genesis in communication issues?

To be a little more specific: please make clear to your SO what you mean by communication and what form it needs to take to meet your emotional needs. You might think that discussing dinner plans every morning is communicating, but your SO probably wouldn't agree.

Read His Needs Her Needs.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Keep spending time together! It is so hard to put the marriage first above everything else and honestly I would have thought someone was crazy if they had told me to always do that, but really, do always put your marriage first. Hard to do when kids, jobs, life come along, but so, so important!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Communicate


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

# 1 really is communication

But a good #2 is Respect.
Respect yourself. Respect your partner.
What you say and what you do should always reflect respect for yourself and respect for you wife/husband.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Romance Deluxe said:


> If you're married/ divorced or in a relationship, what is THE ONE, above all, gemstone advice you'll place in the hands of a marriage candidate?
> 
> Be it a :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: or a :nono::nono::nono: or both?


NEVER EVER stop making your spouse feel desired. EVER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't be complacent and think once you marry you don't have to work at the relationship any longer. Many fail because they think courting ends after the wedding.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

As a man I would say that the number one thing is *do not neglect* the romance in your marriage. I say that men should "lead" in a relationship and when I say that I mean mostly that they should "lead" in this area. I think that if they do then everything else will fall into it's proper place.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You both MUST be commited to each other's happiness, well-being, and growth, and consistently act in ways that show it. If one is more consistently critical, or acts in ways that create insecurity, or doesn't show the kind and level of affection the other needs, or doesn't treat you with kindness and compassion - don't marry.

Communication greatly aids in achieving this, but communication without true caring and compassion is only a means for manipulation.


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## Romance Deluxe (May 28, 2014)

Great ones! One side question for the communication advice...what if your spouse and you communicate at different levels?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then you better figure that sh*t out. Because that is one of the main reasons people divorce/break up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> If one is more consistently critical, or acts in ways that create insecurity, or doesn't show the kind and level of affection the other needs, or doesn't treat you with kindness and compassion - don't marry.


:iagree:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Romance Deluxe said:


> Great ones! One side question for the communication advice...what if your spouse and you communicate at different levels?


That's exactly what His Needs Her Needs is about. Also the Languages of Love. Good resources for reconciling these kinds of things.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Romance Deluxe said:


> Great ones! One side question for the communication advice...what if your spouse and you communicate at different levels?


Find a common level at which you can both communicate.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Don't stop "dating" your spouse. All the things you do and say to your partner leading up to marriage should not be stopped because you put a ring on a finger.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Make sure you are SURE! I mean to say, make sure you are completely passionate about the person you are planning to marry. If you have any second thoughts, or are not experiencing that "head over heels" feeling, step back and wait.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marriage has very little to do with sex or attraction and a whole lot to do with service and sacrifice. If this isn't clear to your prospective mate, don't marry them. 

When it comes to marriage, a person's character and values are far more important than their looks or their funny jokes. People aren't getting divorced because their partner suddenly becomes ugly. They get divorced every day because they can't agree on child rearing, money management or because one or both parties have serious character issues (dishonesty, lack of integrity, laziness, selfishness, sense of entitlement). 
No matter how great you think your partner is, they are going to disappoint you and piss you off, probably frequently. If both of you aren't willing to weather these times, don't even bother with the ceremony. There are no perfect people on this planet. Pick someone who will do what is right regardless of how they happen to feel on a particular day, someone who treats others with respect, someone who keeps their word, regardless of how they feel. 
If the thought of living alone terrifies the hell out of you, you aren't ready for marriage. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and to stand on your own two feet, first.
If she's thin and gorgeous, imagine her fat and horribly scarred. If he's wealthy, successful, and athletic, picture him broke, unemployed, and disabled. If you wouldn't want to spend your life with them in either condition, don't walk down the aisle with them. Their appearance will change, their physical abilities will change, their finances will likely change. Don't imagine them in their present configuration but in the worst case scenario.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Come right out and tell your spouse that any cheating will destroy your would, and make you miserable for life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

As Omego says, be sure! Being sure takes time, which I think is at least 3 years, because the initial hormonal infatuation fades somewhere after 18 months to perhaps 2 1/2 years. You want to get past the head over heels feeling, and see what remains when you do, because for most couples, it's inevitable that this feeling will fade. If you still feel sure then, and the other criteria I mentioned prevail, you're chances are greatly improved.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Romance Deluxe said:


> Great ones! One side question for the communication advice...what if your spouse and you communicate at different levels?


Nothing wrong w/ that, but you both need to be cognizant of it.


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## Romance Deluxe (May 28, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> As Omego says, be sure! Being sure takes time, which I think is at least 3 years, because the initial hormonal infatuation fades somewhere after 18 months to perhaps 2 1/2 years. You want to get past the head over heels feeling, and see what remains when you do, because for most couples, it's inevitable that this feeling will fade. If you still feel sure then, and the other criteria I mentioned prevail, you're chances are greatly improved.


Does this apply to LDRs too?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Eagle3 said:


> Don't stop "dating" your spouse. All the things you do and say to your partner leading up to marriage should not be stopped because you put a ring on a finger.


I can emphasize this enough. Your spouse is the most important thing in your marriage. Make sure, regardless of what happens, that you make time to spend with them on dates. Not just romantic dinners and moonlit walks, but also fun stuff, like go carts or a Dave and Busters arcade or mini-golfing or a concert or whatever you two like to do for fun. 

I have really come around to the idea that one of the best things to strengthen your marriage is for your spouse to view you as some one fun to be with. All to often this gets lost in the everyday responsibilities of life.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Meet people where they are - NOT your idealization of the potential they have or where they could be. So don't project. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou Do your best to make sure you're already compatible because people don't always change.

Someone who doesn't like sex or to give blow jobs isn't going to magically morph into a nympho the second the wedding waltz is over. 

A guy that goes out every weekend to drink with his friends isn't necessarily going to want to stay home with you and the kids once the baby is born.

Someone who's put their career first, same thing.

Someone who's always coasted or even mooched off of his parents probably isn't going to turn into an ambitious career-man.

Someone who has always been a little pudgy and doesn't exercise usually will never morph into a fitness model.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> Meet people where they are - NOT your idealization of the potential they have or where they could be.  So don't project. *"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." *- Maya Angelou


SO TRUE. And timely because Maya Angelou has passed today.



Miss Taken said:


> Someone who doesn't like sex or to give blow jobs isn't going to magically morph into a nympho the second the wedding waltz is over.


So trueeeeeeeeee!

Someone who has detested giving BJs is not going to turn into someone who loves doing it... LOL


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Everything above is great advice. Those engaged, read all this and take it to heart. Stow it away and remember it every day of your married life. CONSTANTLY remind yourselves.

I will always remember my wedding and the preacher told us:
"The number one thing in marriage that you must remember is to forgive. Let the little things go. You will inevitably hurt, disappoint each other from time to time. You must learn to forgive and let go".

I carry this in my mind each and every day.

So far only a year and my wife has never disappointed me, but I know rough times will come. That's when the test of my own forgiveness will be measured.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Romance Deluxe said:


> Does this apply to LDRs too?


Yes, but additional caution - and maybe time - is needed because if you see each other infrequently, you will tend to be on your best behavior to make the most of your time together, and that can mask problems for longer. I'd strongly suggest one of you moving to be together full-time for at least 6 months before making final decisions, and that should still come after two years or more of LD dating.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> *Marriage has very little to do with sex or attraction and a whole lot to do with service and sacrifice.* If this isn't clear to your prospective mate, don't marry them.
> 
> *When it comes to marriage, a person's character and values are far more important than their looks or their funny jokes. *People aren't getting divorced because their partner suddenly becomes ugly. They get divorced every day because they can't agree on child rearing, money management or because one or both parties have serious character issues (*dishonesty*, lack of integrity, laziness, *selfishness*, sense of entitlement).
> No matter how great you think your partner is, they are going to disappoint you and piss you off, probably frequently. If both of you aren't willing to weather these times, don't even bother with the ceremony. There are no perfect people on this planet. * Pick someone who will do what is right *regardless of how they happen to feel on a particular day, someone who treats others with respect, someone who keeps their word, regardless of how they feel.
> ...


Absolute wisdom, unbe. Beyond excellent. One of your best posts ever. Sincere thanks.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Don't do it!!! 

Just kidding...

I would say, never take your spouse for granted. Don't think they will always know you love them or want them. It should be said and shown to them. Daily.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Put your marriage first!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The best advice I can give is what the pastor told us, over twenty years ago.

Be very cautious about " advice" given by others about your marriage, especially people who are unhappy, take their advice with a grain of salt.

My own advice would be what I give to myself.
Love your partner enough to respect their opinions , thoughts and feelings.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Romance Deluxe said:


> Does this apply to LDRs too?


It applies even more to LDR's, meaning you need to take even more time before deciding to marry if the majority of your relationship was long distance.

Long distance keeps the fires burning - you don't spend nearly enough time together to get to the "boring, every day life" stage, so it keeps things exciting. Missing each other keeps things exciting. Spending time together is like being on vacation - real life doesn't intrude much as you have scheduled this time to be together and want to make the most of it. 

You don't spend enough time together to see them at their petty worst - leaving the toilet seat up 365 days a year or playing video games every night instead of doing things together or only half-listening when you talk or...many, many things that can layer resentment on top of frustration.

If you're in an LDR, take even MORE time to decide to marry than you would otherwise, and make sure a good portion of that time is actually living in the same city or same house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seeking marriage advise here is a lot like getting directions from the blind. Refer them to couples who have remained married 40+ years. If they are wise, they will listen intently to the advise they will get. Don't ask sick people for advise about health. If we were deliriously happy in our marriages, most of us wouldn't be spending time on a marriage forum.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Rule number 1 - Dont have sex with anyone other then your spouse.

Here endeth the lesson.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Great advice all around.

For me communication is first as well - as I'm learning.


To add I would say, try to never be 'afraid' of your spouse. That can mean so many things but hey..


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hard to give ONE but I guess if I was to choose it would have to be....

Setting priorities to people in your life/around you.

For example: I'm a husband first, father second, son third, SIL forth, friend fifth etc

Focus on that priority and dedicate % of time based on that.

This has caused many issues in my relationship. I used to have my priorities WAY off and found myself COMPLETELY changing that priority order backwards.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

My number one piece of advice which has not yet been shared:

Don't expect any faults you see now to disappear once you are married. In fact, expect any faults you experience now to get worse as courtship ends and marriage begins. If there is something about your fiance that really bothers you and you've thought that if it were worse, it might be intolerable, expect it to get worse and then decide whether you can live with that. Do not expect the thing that bothers you to disappear once you're married because that NEVER happens.

Also, remember you're not only marrying your fiance. You're marrying their family too and those people are ALWAYS going to be around and ALWAYS in your business.

Best of luck!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Make sure that you know who you are marrying - look at his/her family. Do you want to be a part of the family? Are any siblings the type that love to create drama and try to suck everyone in? 

How is he/she with money? Do they think if they make $70K that they can thus spend $70K? Conversely, are they so cheap that they are more concerned with seeing how much $ they have to the detriment of their health, relationships, etc?

How mature are they? Do they tend to open their mouth when they should keep it shut? Not just with inappropriate words/gestures, but talking about people behind their back. 

Sex - be prepared for the sex to diminish, especially if you're a man. Once kids come along, priorities shift greatly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Make sure you see them, and they see you, at your very worst. At least one drop down dead, fury-filled, venom-spouting argument with both thinking it may be over. This is very important.

When you have each seen the very worst each other can be, and yet you still love one another and want to be together, you are ready to make a marriage commitment. 

This is very important for women, btw. You want to find out how he reacts to your anger. (Don't hide. Be transparent.) It will show you his character and how he will respond to the challenges life will undoubtedly bring your way. 

Hint: You are looking for _inner strength_.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Imagine that your relationship is the best it's ever going to be right now, and that marriage, kids, mortgages, and the rest will drive the quality of your relationship down.

Will it be enough?

What agreements will you come to BEFORE you get married to prioritize the things you find most dear... clearly?

Sex? Romance? Quality time?

What will the priorities be for this marriage to hold dear while real married life erodes the rest?

For example, my wife can NEVER say that sex wasn't a priority in our marriage, because I said so when we got engaged.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Romance Deluxe said:


> If you're married/ divorced or in a relationship, what is THE ONE, above all, gemstone advice you'll place in the hands of a marriage candidate?
> 
> Be it a :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: or a :nono::nono::nono: or both?


It's all about character! Look for someone who has great character.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Don't let yourself fall into a rut. Even with work and the future kids and money and responsibilities. It's okay to go to bed mad but don't go to bed mad every day. Keep it fun.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> SO TRUE. And timely because Maya Angelou has passed today.


I know!!! I didn't realize that when I posted. So sad. I have another post about her. She was definitely a _phenomenal _woman.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Communication and commitment. Communication involves conflict resolution as well as everyday sharing and receiving. Commitment is the stance that you both are in this for life and will not run and hide the first time things go bad or one of you has "fallen out of love".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Our esteemed posters have covered all the touchy feely bases so Grandpa John here will try to cover the non obvious stuff.

1. Financial transparency and accountability. Make sure you plan ahead financially.

2. Plan for educational and career growth for both. Unless both of you are post docs one or both of you may go to college as a married student. Discuss and make sure you're on the same page. If career growth involves frequent moves to lovely places discuss that too.

3. Decide on priorities, enjoy a few years of career or travel first then kids or have triplets first and travel at my age?

4. Establish boundaries on work. If you're a young software engineer working 80 hour weeks what's the point on getting married?

And so on...


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## Lucianne (Jul 16, 2012)

Do not get completely lost in your marriage....still find time to do things that you enjoy for yourself. 

Make sure you speak clearly about your desires and instead of pouting or assuming your spouse knows or should know what you want/mean, make sure they do. I made the mistake in the beginning of my marriage of accepting the silent treatment from my husband, and it became a way of life for us when things didn't go his way. I am still dealing with the consequences. Many years of built up resentment are hard to overcome, but we are making it...would have been much easier and happier if I had made it clear 20 years ago that it was not an acceptable means of dealing (or not dealing) with a situation.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Learn to choose your battles carefully. Most battles fought in a marriage are totally insignificant and result in pain, hurt feelings, and lasting resentment to one degree or the other. Only fight the very important ones. Learn to know the difference. Stay close. hold hands regularly at home and in public. 

Never talk to others about your SO's failings. I have seen so many people do this and when the other finds out you have been doing this; it feels like betrayal to them. If you need help talk to a professional not your friends.

Remember sex is the glue in a relationship. Cultivate it!! Always view your SO's needs as more important than yours. *NOTE* This only works if both take this view!! 

God! I have so much more but it was only supposed to be one. Oh well!!!!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Never marry a person hoping they will change. And do not expect they won't. Both happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And ... when you land at JFK and you're still in love with that person, get married 
Bill Murray


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Like others have said communicate. Often times MUCH easier said than done, but you better try.

And lastly,but maybe just as important as communication; you are PARTNERS. You are not the boss. She is not the boss. PARTNERS. A TEAM.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Expectations - what are they? 

Division of labor.

Can't read someone's mind = communication.

Do NOT lose yourself - your personal identity.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

X-Betaman said:


> take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world and *go to places that are *hard to go to and *hard to get out of.* And ... when you land at JFK and you're still in love with that person, get married
> Bill Murray


On our honeymoon, 20 years ago, we went to Spain. We got lost trying to get out of Barcelona. He kept telling me I did not know how to read a map, and I told him he did not know how to drive. Fun.

It took us at least an hour to get out of that city and on the road to Andorra. And it was at least another hour before we were talking to each other again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would tell the person to actually LISTEN to the vows you take at the alter. Promising to forsake all others and then getting in bed with someone else is small and pathetic. The trick is to not only listen to the vows but actually follow through.. Crazy I know


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I agree with everyone here who has mentioned communication, with one caveat. 

A new broom sweeps clean.

When my relationship was new with my husband? We communicated. We discussed our political views, religious views, dreams, aspirations, goals, etc.

It was new. It was exciting. We meshed. 

Wrong.

It was 14 months into the marriage (and almost two years of dating before marriage) that the proverbial sh!t hit the fan. His communication style changed big-time.

So, I would like to add to the communication priority be communication WITH TIME. Don't rush into permanent commitment.

Experience the rough patches and observe how you and your partner discuss emotionally-laden, difficult issues.

Why? Because those issues generally don't rear their ugly heads until time passes.

(Although that doesn't apply to drama-junkies who have a war raging within a few months of getting together ...)


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Be sure you know who YOU are before you get married. You need to know what's important to you, you need to have some faith in yourself. You need to be able to trust your judgment. How can you be a partner in a serious life-long venture if you have no idea why you're there?


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