# My husband is financially destroying us!



## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

This is my first post. Please read this and be honest with me. I apologize now for it being such a long story. I seriously need to know if I'm overreacting and just need a swift kick in the behind. Here goes.... 2 years ago I received an opportunity with my company for a promotion. Something I had been waiting on for 5 years. My HB was very supportive and told me to go for it. With the promotion, came relocation to another state. For the first 12 months, I lived alone with our son because my HB failed to relocate with me. Our plan was for him to join me after a couple of months because he needed to also find a job in the new area and we couldn't afford for him to quit his job without having a plan. He would come visit me in the new state every weekend, which cost a lot of money with all the back and forth traveling. My HB does not deal with changes well and after being alone for 12 months, I finally gave him an ultimatum. Either he moves now or he could spend the rest of his life in the old state living with his mother. This was also another reason why he was dragging his feet on moving, his mother. He didn't want to leave her because she was upset about us moving (we even offered to bring her with us). After I gave him the ultimatum, he quit his job and relocated to join me within 2 weeks. This part of the situation still has me feeling very bitter to this day. I felt like I was abandoned and left to deal with starting a new life on my own. I was starting a new career, moving into a new house, raising a teenager on my own that was getting ready to start high school and was scared to death and trying to learn how our new community worked. I lost a lot of trust in my husband and in our marriage at this point. 

Part 2: With him finally joining us, we had another problem....the mortgage on the old house. We now had 2 mortgages in which we had been paying on for a year now. This was very difficult and financially strapping. Our original plan was to either sell or rent out the old house. He found friends to rent it out to. Big mistake. I urged him to make sure to get a lease agreement because I had a gut feeling this was bad. I made suggestions on what I felt the price of the rent should be. He disregarded my suggestion and basically cut the rate in half. It wasn't even close to covering the mortgage payment. 5 months into the renters living there, they stopped paying rent. They would not answer phone calls, texts, or their door. My husband took NO action to do anything to get them out until they had not paid rent for 6 months. He lied to me and I found out he never got a lease agreement in the first place. We finally got them out by getting a lawyer involved. To this day, they owe us $5000 and he has no intention on trying to get a penny of it. 

Part 3: The renters are out. Immediately he lets his niece and her family move into the house. He tells me he is going to charge them $400 a month which is less them the last renters were charged. Again no lease agreement. As of today, they have lived there for 7 months and have paid rent for 1 month only because I asked her for the money. I overheard him speaking to his cousin on the phone and saying he wasn't planning for his niece to pay rent at all. "After all it's family."

My frustration is my HB has a history of his family abusing him financially and he allows it. But it has gotten worse since we moved. He is now very secretive about his family and only speaks with them when I'm not around. Yes, I will admit that I have been very bitter about them but I also feel that I have done nothing wrong. His mother and I used to have a close relationship. She hasn't spoken a single word to me since we moved because everything is my fault. The only thing I'm guilty of is trying to provide my family with a better life. That's the only reason I took the promotion. He becomes very angry at me when I bring up anything about the house and collecting rent. Our marriage has literally gone down the drain in the last 2 years. I no longer try to involve myself in anything that has to do with his family because it always goes in a negative direction. I do not know what to do. He tells me I need to get over it and forgive them. I am concerned because having 2 mortgages is killing us. There literally is no wiggle room for anything. He finally admitted to me that he will never sell his house as long as his family is there. What am I to do?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Check out Orange_Pekoe's threads. There are some similarity with your situation in which her husband had an unhealthy attachment to his family. They would also financially use him and take advantage of him.

Detach from your husband is a start. His first priority should be you and your child. You both have an obligation to seek the stability of the family unit first and fore most.

When someone crosses a boundary of yours and proves untrustworthy, you detach emotionally from that person. You also cannot depend on him doing the right thing, so you accept the fact that you cannot make him do anything. You must take care of it yourself and if he gets angry, you disengage and probably separate from him.

If his actions will only bring about resentment and bring about negativity, you minimize him and find fulfillment in other areas of your life.

So, try selling the house, or send him back there and you both separate because the situation is just toxic. Why cling onto something that will only fade away eventually. This will only destroy your love for him. The longer this goes on, the more negative emotions will be ingrained into you, when thoughts of him arise. Odds are, you will grow indifferent some day down the line.

If it takes divorcing him to protect yourself, then do so if his attitude does not change. He does not have your best interest at heart, nor are you a priority over his family. You need to think what is best for you and your child because in reality, your husband is going against your stability and that of your child. He is a contributing factor against the financial stability and the security that it offers. Not to mention he adds additional stress onto your life, which he is also adversely affecting your health as well. And do not forget, not to fold over to a bully. Be a role model for your child and remain strong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Is the old house and mortgage in both your names or just his? It seems as if you don't have any say whatsoever in what happens to the old house, so it seems as if it's all in his name.

What about your new house?

Honestly, I think you need to consult a lawyer and spell out the situation and find out your options. If you want to stay together, you may be able to find some way to force the sale of the other house, or if you don't stay together, you should know what is likely to happen.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Well. First get the old house on a market, and sell it is you planning to stay together as a family. Also, you did not say if your H is looking for a job in the new state? Most important questions: do you love him? Do you still have feelings for him? These answers might determine you next course of actions.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lawyer. Today.


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## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

breeze said:


> Is the old house and mortgage in both your names or just his? It seems as if you don't have any say whatsoever in what happens to the old house, so it seems as if it's all in his name.
> 
> What about your new house?
> 
> Honestly, I think you need to consult a lawyer and spell out the situation and find out your options. If you want to stay together, you may be able to find some way to force the sale of the other house, or if you don't stay together, you should know what is likely to happen.


The old house is in his name only. He bought the house before we met You are correct in saying that I don't have a say in the situation. He constantly will ask my opinion but completely ignores my advice and ultimately does what he wants to. 

The new house is in both of our names. He has finally admitted to me that he will never sell HIS house so he is basically expecting us to juggle the 2 mortgages for the rest of our life.


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## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Detach from your husband is a start. His first priority should be you and your child. You both have an obligation to seek the stability of the family unit first and fore most.
> 
> When someone crosses a boundary of yours and proves untrustworthy, you detach emotionally from that person. You also cannot depend on him doing the right thing, so you accept the fact that you cannot make him do anything. You must take care of it yourself and if he gets angry, you disengage and probably separate from him.
> 
> If his actions will only bring about resentment and bring about negativity, you minimize him and find fulfillment in other areas of your life.


Thank you for your honesty. You have hit the nail on the head. I have already emotionally detached from him. I find myself in a position where it is very difficult to respect him as a husband and father. Resentment has already long set in and I hate it. I do not like the person who I have become because of this entire situation. I am definitely not happy or healthy. I find myself pouring all my efforts into other areas of my life such as my son, work and my faith. I honestly feel as though I have a separate life from him because I have "left him behind." I do not speak to him much or tell him much of what is happening in my life because I don't feel that he really cares. I have also mentioned multiple times that I feel he does not put us first in his life and that I am tired of being last in line all the time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can't see any way to resolve it. Without your consent, he has decided that you will both bear the financial burden. I think he should bear it on his own. Along with not bothering to move down to be with you after making you believe he was on board with the plan of you moving and him moving soon after, this shows that this man is not committed to you. I doubt he is even capable.


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## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> Well. First get the old house on a market, and sell it is you planning to stay together as a family. Also, you did not say if your H is looking for a job in the new state? Most important questions: do you love him? Do you still have feelings for him? These answers might determine you next course of actions.


He will not sell the old house and it is only in his name. Yes he does have a job now. Do I love him? I ask myself this question quite often and the answer is yes. However my feelings for him have completely changed as I find myself constantly guarded. I honestly do not trust him anymore because he has lost it. He is the biggest stress in my life right now and I feel a huge relief when he is not around. At this point, I want to try marriage counseling and mentioned it to him 6 months ago. He has made no effort to improve our marriage and honestly neither have I. I feel in my heart that I know where this is going but my problem is I still have hope that maybe one of these days he will wake up and smell the roses.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It sounds to me like he can't handle money or the responsibility of it either. Can you take over the money aspect of your marriage, I mean someone has to pay the bills might as well be you. Tell him this will relieve stress for all involved. Then of course sell the house

Once that is done then you can start trying to fix the marriage and the in law relationship. Moving is a huge stressor, money is a huge stressor, in laws can be a HUGE stressor. Try and knock them down one at a time


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Juarek said:


> He will not sell the old house and it is only in his name. Yes he does have a job now. Do I love him? I ask myself this question quite often and the answer is yes. However my feelings for him have completely changed as I find myself constantly guarded. I honestly do not trust him anymore because he has lost it. He is the biggest stress in my life right now and I feel a huge relief when he is not around. At this point, I want to try marriage counseling and mentioned it to him 6 months ago. He has made no effort to improve our marriage and honestly neither have I. I feel in my heart that I know where this is going but my problem is I still have hope that maybe one of these days he will wake up and smell the roses.


Are you sure it is hope that he will suddenly change his ways that is keeping you from doing anything or is it really fear of moving on to the next stage of your life? It will take you as long as it takes you to gather the strength to take the next step, but it might help if you reflected with as much honesty as possible on the likelihood of him making the changes required to keep the marriage going.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It does sound like you are emotionally separating from him. Love is not some infinite resource. The fact that you have less and less of a drive to work on your relationship shows that his actions, your protective wall, has decrease the want to be in a relationship with him. Higher levels of oxytocin, a hormone responsible for the need to bond and form attachment, is less triggered in you when it comes to him.

Research done with oxytocin between two couples on the verge of ending their relationship had their levels of oxytocin increased artificially. The results showed the couples are willing to communicate, compromise, and listen to each other.

Odds are, if you give him divorce papers, and if his attachment to you is still strong, what bond is left could motivate him to work with you to save your marriage, possibly have him work on his own issues as well.

The longer you put this off, the more indifferent you will be towards him, probably the same goes for him as well.

And if he does not work on the relationship, then he has more of a need to please his family. I think personally that he does this so they will love him. You want to find out where his motivation lies in the end. He may be in love with the idea of being needed.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

I hear Dave Ramsey's financial peace of mind is a good book for couples.


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## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

Jeffyboy said:


> I hear Dave Ramsey's financial peace of mind is a good book for couples.


We completed Dave Ramsey's FPU about 5 years ago. Good stuff but hard to follow now considering his thought process. In fact it almost seems like a joke.


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## Juarek (Jul 14, 2015)

Jeffyboy said:


> I hear Dave Ramsey's financial peace of mind is a good book for couples.


We completed Dave Ramsey's FPU about 5 years ago. Good stuff but hard to follow now considering his thought process. In fact it almost seems like a joke.


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

Juarek said:


> breeze said:
> 
> 
> > Is the old house and mortgage in both your names or just his? It seems as if you don't have any say whatsoever in what happens to the old house, so it seems as if it's all in his name.
> ...


No. He is expecting YOU to juggle two mortgages. Assuming he still does not have a job you are covering his mortgage. Yes marriage is a team ordeal....but you lost your team mate 12+ months ago. 

I'd close all joint accounts, reopen new accounts in your name only, and stop paying his mortgage. He gave his 100% support to make this move then bailed. If his house and family are more important than his wife and child then he could go live in that house with them. IF he wants to put you and your child first THEN you can decide if you want to cover his mortgage while in he goes through therapy to detach from his Mom and other family. The choice is allllll his.

And get a lawyer. You...working...him not...two mortgages. I see alimony becoming an issue if divorce happens.


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