# So Lost



## jessicad91

Ok, so i have been really lost and confused lately about everything and i just need some opinions. I'm 21 and my boyfriend of 2 years is 23. We're both in school, and we talk constantly about getting married sometime after we graduate, but there's just one issue. As you can tell by the category, it deals with religion. I was born and raised catholic my entire life, and he is nondenominational christian(which is like a form of protestant). He is very devout to his church, and is always involved with things going on there, such as bible study groups, and me, well i'm a different story. For some reason, i just feel completely lost religiously. If i get the chance to skip church, i do it. My mother, though, gets so upset everytime i skip church. I've talked to her about getting married to him in the future, and the possiblity of doing it in his church, but this is like a definite no-go in her head. "Imagine what your family would think if you didn't get married in the catholic church?" etc... 

well...

i just don't know what to do. Although i don't necessarily enjoy going to my church these days, i have still been to his and find myself still never paying any attention. Also, i'm scared that if i agree to getting married in his church, or raising our kids there, that later i will completely regret giving up on my church. idk! as you can tell i am just so lost, and so so so confused. it's like im trying to make everyone happy, and choose the easy way out. i love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, and all i know is breaking up is not an option. 

If anyone has any advice, or any experiences with situations like this, i'll take it. I just wanna feel the way he does with his church, i wanna feel a relationship with god. i want us to be able to be together spiritually. I don't know what's wrong with me...


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## heartsdelight

I'm LDS (Mormon) and I seriously dated a Catholic who, though completely not active or following any kind of Catholic lifestyle, was insistent we marry in the Catholic church and raise our family Catholic. If you know anything about Mormonism, we feel the same way. This fight lasted for five years before I finally accepted that it was not going to happen (we only dated a year but talked about getting back together for forever).

You say breaking up is not an option, sounds like you've made up your mind. But I'd maybe ask your boyfriend what he thinks. If you say that you're unsure if you ever want to become a practicing Catholic (or whatever you'd like to refer to it as, or whatever else for that matter, any religion) and you aren't super interested in his particular church, and you don't know if you can agree to your kids being raised in his church...he might say that's a no go for him. So definitely define your expectations before getting engaged. Many a marriage has broken over this, and many a marriage has been strained. Usually if someone is very involved in their religion (ie every Sunday/holy day and then some) then it's hard to be married to someone who doesn't share that conviction since it often becomes a huge factor in so many aspects of life (how you spend your time and money, what you do and don't do, who your social group is, who your kids play with, etc.) 

That being said, I think it's great that you want to be on the same spiritual page with him, but you can't make yourself feel anything spiritually. Maybe you could talk to him about wanting a relationship with God and perhaps going to a couple different churches with you to see different ways of worship if any appeal more to you (I'm assuming you want to stick with Christianity but if not, branch out!) But don't try to fake something for the sake of the relationship- it will bite you in the butt. I know many people who "converted" for a spouse and later just couldn't take it any more. They're all divorced.

I don't mean to be harsh, but for many people (myself included and maybe your boyfriend) religion is such a huge characteristic of us, how we define ourselves. I think you guys need to have a discussion about what you ultimately want and what you're looking for in a marriage.

If you're not ready for the marriage talk yet, try exploring different churches/faiths in the meantime to perhaps find something that piques your interest. Maybe nothing will, and that's okay too. But please be honest with your bf about all this.


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## bahbahsheep

Actually i am intrigued to know that Catholics are quite liberal with certain issues in life...
e.g. sex etc. 

I wonder why?


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## kgirl

If you truly love him, and being without him as you said, is not an option... and he feels the same... you do whatever it takes to make this work. 
You TWO are in this relationship, not Mom, not anyone else. And, it doesn't really matter what people think. Not in the long run. Not at all. Be YOU. Make your decisions together. You and him. Once you're married, its you two, as a team, no matter what. Get in agreement now.
On the religion part, you don't seem just real attached to your church (your family's church) anyway, so, try his. The relationship with Jesus that you seek, that you long for, is what you need to find first. You want that same relationship with Him that your boyfriend has. You can have it. Ask him about it. Pray together about it. Once you do, everything else will fall into place. But, above all else, get together on your faith... be in unity. You CAN find a way. Start reading the Bible together, you'll find alot of answers there. Pray together also, about where to have the wedding. You may find an unsual solution, like being married in a beautiful park somewhere. Think outside the box. True love doesn't have to be routine or ordinary. 
I will pray for you both as well. God be with you in your decisions.


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## ShawnD

jessicad91 said:


> My mother, though, gets so upset everytime i skip church. I've talked to her about getting married to him in the future, and the possiblity of doing it in his church, but this is like a definite no-go in her head. *"Imagine what your family would think if you didn't get married in the catholic church?"* etc...


The whole world revolves around her and what other people think? I would get married in a mosque just to piss them off.


One of my favorite bible passages:


> When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
> Proverbs 11:2


So which one do you want? You can either let your pride and the opinions of others push you around, or you can do what you think is best and become wiser for it. If YOU want to get married in a catholic church, say so. Don't do things just because other people tell you to.




> it's like im trying to make everyone happy, and choose the easy way out.


Try approaching this from a completely selfish perspective. What do YOU want? If you had absolute 100% control over the situation, how would you do things? Ask your bf the same question. Cut through all the prideful BS and figure out what the two of you want. Don't get married in X building just because some random person thinks you should.




> If anyone has any advice, or *any experiences with situations like this*, i'll take it. I just wanna feel the way he does with his church, i wanna feel a relationship with god. i want us to be able to be together spiritually. I don't know what's wrong with me...


My gf's family is extremely religious, and it created a lot of distance between my gf and her parents. They were always trying force their morality on her and trying to suppress who she was (artistic, colorful, fun, flirty). Her father does not approve of our relationship, but her mother really likes me. Both of them want us to get married because their entire world view seems to focus on marriage even though their own marriage sucks. My gf decided to take a stand. Instead of going with the flow and saying we'll eventually get married, she stood up to them and said we will never get married. She said it was one of the most empowering things she has ever done. We might get married some day, but now her parents know that it's because WE want to get married. They have been put in their place and my gf gets really excited every time she tells the story.

The point of the story is that it's empowering to take ownership of your choices. Regardless of where you get married, it should be a place picked by you, not someone else.


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