# Socailizing after Affair



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

I could use some advice if anyone has the time. As I posted before I caught my wife of 19 years in her second affair of our marriage this past March. 

We are working things out and have been sort of in hiding since this has all happened. We have gone out a few times as a Family and a few times just her and I without the kids but we have been nowhere in public or to any social events. We have been going fishing, ATV riding and staying at the lake house. Before the affair we had a circle of friends we socialized with as a family. Since the OM was one of these friends we have not socialized with any of them since. This has bothered me some but I have not complained about giving up the friends. I feel if this is what it takes to save my marriage this is what I will do. 

Now my best friend of 25 years that was the best man in our wedding works overseas and is only home every 60 days returned last night. Normally there is a big cook out put on by me and his family to welcome him home. The OM is my best friend’s brother. I have not planned anything for his return this time and my wife is upset because I have not. If I do plan something it will have to include OM because he is part of the family. My wife is saying I have taken all of her friends away which is false. I only demanded no more close male friends. I did not tell her she could not have female friends. I understand the circle of friends included both male and female friends of both of ours but the OM will always be present in that group. 

She informed me last night in the middle of us having s*x that I had taken all her friends away again and she missed them. I took that as she missed OM and this took the starch out of the flag if you know what I mean. I just rolled over and gave up. 

What do I do? I have talked with OM about the affair. I told him he was a sorry SOB and I would never trust him again. For the life of me I cannot hate him. I blame my wife and myself more than I blame him. The affair was my wife’s fault no matter how hard he perused her because she could have said no and backed away but she did not. 

Don’t get me wrong I have not forgot about what her and him have done to my family but I think I have forgave them. Am I doing this too soon?

Would it be ok to start socializing with the group again and just avoid any contact with OM or just give up on them all?


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I have never had to deal with an affair, so I don't know the answer to this...

But, do you trust your wife?
Do you trust the Other Man?

If you believe that they are back on the straight and narrow path - really believe, then I'd say that it's time to bring back the social life! 

It's sounding like you are having trouble trusting your wife. I do have issues with it being *all* her fault... As if it is the man's job to push, and the woman's job to say no. We are all responsible adults, and we are all hormonal beings. I don't know why it is one woman's responsibility. However, I do get that she took a major mis-step. But, so did he. What kind of loyal friend does that?


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

Your wife has already proven twice she can't be trusted. I would have personally left after the first affair. Start socializing but if you that that feeling, it's time to do something about it. 

Good luck!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think your wife is expecting quite a lot to think you would plan a party that includes the OM....and bring it up during sex? I think you forgiving is a great thing and the timing is whenever it feels right for you. However, your wife doesn't seem to fully understand how devastating affairs make the betrayed spouse feel. She is more concerned about what she isn't getting as a result of her last affair rather than showing true remorse and doing WHATEVER it takes to rebuild the trust.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

swedish said:


> I think your wife is expecting quite a lot to think you would plan a party that includes the OM....and bring it up during sex?


Yep.

This bothers me a lot. 

What is SHE doing to make you feel better? What has SHE changed, other than you imposing sanctions on her?


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