# Explain the Plan B thing to me some more



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Brief recap - been married 14 years; two young kids. H tells me over the summer that he doesn't want to be married anymore. Continues to deny an affair even though I ask a million times. I try to convince him to stay and work on the marriage, but he moves out in October. Continues to say that he does not know what he wants, that he considered it a "trial separation", and that he would try to go to counseling to talk about his lack of communication. Strung me along like I was a high school girl.

Well, the gf recently surfaced. He FINALLY admitted it only after being spotted out by one of my friends. Asked if he would end it, he said no, and there you go. I went to see the lawyer and continue to see a counselor.

At this point, I wish he would just disappear and rot in hell, but no chance of that yet. What I've done though is taken away his power by ignoring him and dismissing him as much as possible. Before, I would make small talk, find ways to get in touch, say hello when he dropped off the kids, etc. Counselor says I was still "there" emotionally. Now, there's essentially no contact whatsoever except for absolutely necessary about the kids. I told him I don't want to see him or talk to him on the phone unless I'm forced to. Last thing I said was, "now you'll know what it's like to lose your family."

My counselor says it's the best approach because things will now start to crumble for him. Now that it's out, he will be forced to face the fact that there is no having cake and eating too. Is this the Plan B that everyone talks about? How does this work? Doesn't this just push them farther away??


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

It may, it may not push him away. It all depends on him. What you need to do is what is best for you right now. You need to take care of yourself and your kids.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

So what if it pushes him away? He cheated on you and lied to you. Do you really want him?


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

not now, no. but this is a roller coaster ride and sometimes it's very surreal and you wonder what would happen if he has the "a-ha" moment and realizes that he f-ed up royally. Don't know if I would ever take him back, but it's hard to comprehend that it's over.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

sbbs said:


> So what if it pushes him away? He cheated on you and lied to you. Do you really want him?


You can't judge every cheater the same way....

Like in my case....I'm sure that my lying about my financial situation and not working on improving my life but rather regressing made him resent me and fall out of love with me.....

Which then....drove him to listen to the sweet talk of a home wrecker skank that promised him all the good stuff....and he fell for it....

I'm certain he's only having an EA with her and not a PA....yet....

So technically I can't blame him.....but it doesn't make it right either.....

But in this case it makes it easier for me to forgive him if he ever comes to his senses than if I was nearly perfect and he cheated.....does that make sense to you ???

Right now I would do anything to get him back, but it's no use......he's determined.....

After the divorce....we'll see how long it takes for him to realize he's made a mistake....maybe soon, maybe never.....I might not want him back anymore.....


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Yeah, I understand that. I'm sure a bunch of us here do. Shock is the first stage of grief; that's what you're going through now, I think.

Stay strong. You know you're doing the right thing. Don't let the fact that you miss some things about him, or your fear of what's ahead, or your susceptibility to his sweet-talking, let you knuckle under and take him back.

And, yes, he may want to come back. His relationship with his girlfriend so far has been all the exciting things about having a new lover, with none of the day-to-day reality. He doesn't see her hanging her bras in the bathroom, or clipping her toenails, or getting bloated at that time of the month. Similarly, she doesn't see him do whatever gross or irritating day-to-day things he does.. 

Once the warts-and-all reality sets in, one of them may dump the other. When that happens, your husband may want to come back. At that point, though, it will be too late for him. You'll feel much better about your new, lying-husband-free life.

You may not feel all better yet. In fact, you may feel pretty lousy for a while. But it does work out. 

I don't speak from my own experience, but from my mother's. She left my father after 21 years of his abuse and adultery. Within a year, her life had improved immensely. She never went back and has been doing great ever since.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

plan A, B, & C should all start with taking care of yourself first...and that looks different for each of us...how much contact twith the spouse depends on what is needed to take care of ourselves...


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

That's definitely my motivation for the no contact. It's essentially self-protection and self preservation. I've been punched a bunch of times (figuratively) and every time I got back up. Not this time though. I waved the white flag and stayed down in the corner. That's what I need right now. It hurts like hell, but the sight of him and trying to act civil is not possible unless absolutely necessary. I was supposed to go see my son sing with a little choir at church today and, at the last minute, texted H and told him I wasn't feeling well, apologize to my son and bring him home after the service. I felt horrible having to do that, but it's so soon after D day that I could not sit at a church service with him in the same building - even if I didn't sit anywhere near H - it's too soon. My son was not upset - he knew his father and his sister were there and that his mom was sick. I figured it would be better than having him see tension between his parents. Right now, that's what I need. I'm just interested in hearing opinions about how this new behavior/no contact might impact the cheater. Like I said, prior to D day, I was definitely there - trying to be understanding, keeping in contact, etc. I wish we all had the ability to read minds and crystal balls in our pockets.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Sounds like you made a good decision today, but there will come a point of time where you must go to such events...as long as you miss them, he/she still knows they have power over you...go, stand tall...as much for your childs sake and as much to say, I'm strong, you don't control me anymore...

I've had to go to school functions with my separated wife there, she acts like nothing is going on...and I'm stuck in a corner miserable...not anymore, I'm strong, I'm there for my kid...she has missed his last 3 basketball games, always has a reason...

Perhaps valid reasons, but also maybe why the 16 year old chose to stay with me...


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I realize that. It's going to be brutal to have to share these events with him, but you're right. One day. I'm sure my counseling sessions will start to focus on issues like that once we've moved out of crisis management mode. It's odd that before all of this happened, I would feel bad for people who separated or got divorced, but never imagined it was like this. You just don't know until you walk in those shoes.


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