# Wife going to parties alone.



## wannabeteacher85

Hi all. Going to trying and tell this story as briefly as possible. Me and my wife met about 3 years ago and started dating. After about 3 months we got pregnant and about 2 years later got married. So we will be having our 1 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. It worked out well because we are madly in love with each other and always have been. Neither of us doubt the word soul mate in this relationship.

About 8 months ago I hate to admit I got lazy. I wasnt showing her love and affection like I used to, I was being romantic like I used to, I jsut got to a point where I got comfortable and felt like I didn't have to work for anything anymore I guess. About 2 months after this she became depressed that we never got out the house and felt like we watched tv every night. This was pretty much true and mostly due to finances but sometime because I wouldnt want to. We don't have any real friends to do things with anymore so relied on each other for entertainment. Well let me back up for a sec, about 3 or 4 months before I met my wife she dated a man, lets call him Bill. Her and Bill never slept together but basically did everything else but things didn't work out and they broke up after about 3 weeks or so. Ok well 2 months ago my wife andd him began talking again. They work together so it was no biggie to me and they slowly started becoming friends. It started out with them texting alot. I was fine until I saw he was flirting with her and she was not stoipping it in his text. She wasnt flirting back but did not stop it. After about a week of this I confronted her about it and she admitted the reason she didn't stop it was because she was craving that attention because I stopped giving it to her and she was right. She admitted she was wrong for not stopping it and we talked it out and decided that we needed to start becoming the old us again. 


Well she texted Bill and told him they could still be friends but the flirting had to stop. Which was fine with me. I was fine with her having a work friend because her job stresses her out greatly and having someone to talk to did help. Well over the next month they begun hanging out more and more and would spend 8 hours at a time on saturday nights seeing movies and eating and stuff. Now at first I thought what anyone would think, my wife is cheating. And I went through horrible anxiety and depression thinking this is what was going on and confronted her about it many times which would result in a fight and how I just didn't want her to have friends. Well after that month I collected myself one night, sat her down and without yelling or fighting told her I thought what she was doing was wrong. I felt that she was putting another man (who is single by the way) ahead of her husband and I was not comfrotable with the situation. She started crying and said she did not realize she was hurting me so badly and understood and that I was right. She swore that nothing other than hanging out happened and I beleive her. I mainly beleive her because 1. My wife can not stand to have guilt in her and would give in and tell me and 2. (and I know it is horrible but was horribly anxiouss during the time) I would read her text messages at night between the two of them and their really wasnt anything besides normal conversations. 


Anyway, she agreed that it was no longer right to be alone with him. I had never met him which didn't help either. Well the problm obviously was now she was lonley again. Well the next week he invted her to a football party at another co workers house. I have met this co worker and her husband and they are nice people. And everyone at this party (besides Bill) is married and work with my wife and goes to these parties once a week. My wife wanted to go without me. I enjoy football but not as much as her. And she didn't want to be worried about me the whole night that I was bored and not having fun which I understand. She knows I have anxiety issues and worries alot about now because of what happened. So she started going to these parties and goes every week to watch football. She usually goes for about 8 hours and will jsut sit and visit after the game is over. I was not 100% comfortable with this but I know it was because of Bill being there. I simply don't trust him. I trust my wife and know none of this is because she is unhappy with our sex life or anything and does still love me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. 


I guess i am just worried that going to these parties will lead to something happeneding one day. Whether it is her having a slip up and drinking to much and him trying something, or her starting to prefer these parties about any of our things....Yesterday she told she was going to be going to 2 of these parties this week and I asked to go to one with her. She got upset and said I was trying to take away something that was hers. Something for her to do to get away for a while and have some her time. I understand that but I would love to go to these things. I want to go drink a bit and talk and be social. And I guess I am worried about what happens after football season. Will she continue going to normal parties over there. Will I be invited? No more football so why can't I be invited? I just wondering what others think. Am I being over posseive and have nothing to worry about....where is the line drawn? Thanks.


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## tom67

You should absolutely go with her or she doesn't go. You let her hang out with a guy for 8 hours? Not good.


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## John Lee

I will admit I didn't get all the way through your post. I stopped at "Well she texted Bill and told him they could still be friends but the flirting had to stop. Which was fine with me."

*SCREECHING BRAKES NOISE* 

Wrong move. This is a recent ex who she has been flirting with and admitted to it. It is NOT fine for her to keep seeing/talking to him. That's playing with fire. She should not be in any one-on-one situations with him outside of what is absolutely necessary. She should not be exchanging any personal e-mails/texts/calls with him. She should not be hanging out at parties with him and without you. I'm guessing that whatever you wrote after the part where I stopped reading confirms what I am saying.


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## wannabeteacher85

Well I know it is hard to beleive and probably hear it all the time but I know my wife is not cheating and that this is not about wanting to see him. Honestly the only reason they are friends is she wants to be able to go to these parties. It is just a bunch of middle aged married people who watch football together. My wife is 25 by the way and I am 28. If I thought she was cheating in any way I would be in a different forum. My question here is not is she cheating but is it ok for a wife to go to want to go do something like this without me there?


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## tom67

wannabeteacher85 said:


> Well I know it is hard to beleive and probably hear it all the time but I know my wife is not cheating and that this is not about wanting to see him. Honestly the only reason they are friends is she wants to be able to go to these parties. It is just a bunch of middle aged married people who watch football together. My wife is 25 by the way and I am 28. If I thought she was cheating in any way I would be in a different forum. My question here is not is she cheating but is it ok for a wife to go to want to go do something like this without me there?


Ask yourself if it was the other way around would she let you do this? I think this is a slippery slope.


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## wannabeteacher85

I honestly think yes. We have had a very strong marriage and 3 years together and have never had a reason to doubt the other person. While I do beleive what she did with the letting him flirt and hanging out with him so long was wrong, I do beleive she agrees it was wrong and would never let it get to that point again. I told her I was ok with her going to these parties but she had to swear to me she would never be alone with him at any time and she would tell me if he tried anything. And so far she has. I know I am not there but the thing is all the other people at this party I know and if something was going on it would definetly get back to me. And the other thing with me is I have horrible anxiety issues when it comes to feeling alone. My mother and father divorced when I was 3 because he cheated and then in college my first love cheated on me horribly and it really scarred me. I have always had a fight with anxiety and have been on medication for it for over 10 years now. I know this is playing a part. I guess I just wonder if it is all anxiety or some of my worry is justified. She still acts the same as she used to asd far as being romantic with me and having a great sex life with me and everything else. Only difference is usually one night a week she goes to a football party.


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## bandit.45

Teachers use paragraphs. 

Seriously I'm not going to waste my time trying to read your forest of a story. Go back and break it up into paragraphs please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wannabeteacher85

I know people say it is actually healthy in a marriage to do things away from each other. I guess I always took that as going have a guys night or girls night. Problem is neither os us have guy or girl friends to do this with. Her only option for this type of thing right now are these parties. And she really does do everything she can to make me feel better about it. Take pictures of herself there every now and then, calling a few times to check on kids, telling me what conversations she has and how she talks to an 86 year old grandma most of the time. It sounds harmless to me. Like I said....just scared of the after football season. Because after the games are over I see no reason of me not going with her. Mabey even letting her go by herself once in a while to get away but not all the time. And if that happens I will confront her about it.


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## wannabeteacher85

There broke it up. And I actually am a science teacher lol.


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## John Lee

My concern is that you left things in the danger zone with her saying to the guy "we can be friends just no flirting." Guess what, that guy doesn't give a crap about you or your relationship, as he's already proven. If he's still interested in your wife, he'll still flirt with her given the opportunity, and if she's still "friends" with him, she will still enjoy the attention from him at the party. I think you need to tell her that you're not comfortable with her maintaining anything more than a polite relationship with him, that it's not that you don't trust her per se, you just feel like friendships with exes are always playing with fire. If she's cool with that, and you trust her, then I don't see the parties being a major problem as long as they have no other relationship whatsoever.


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## wannabeteacher85

I agree with you John Lee. And I guess I should of given more detail in more story just didn't want to drag it on. After I confronted her about going places alone with him I basically told her I did not trust this guy and that I am fine with them having a work relationship as far as talking at work and mabey even texting about football during a game (because I am definetly no expert on football) but thats it. When it comes to him trying anything more than that it is a definite no. And so far she has been respecting this great! For example, the last party Bill ran up to her and kissed her on the cheek when she first got there. Nothing romantic or anything just a friendly cheek kiss like friends would do. She came home that night, told me about it, I told her it made me uncomfortable, and she said it would never happened again. Smiled, we wnt to bed, made love, and fell asleep happy  And again I know everyone can say you don't know what is happening at these parties but for me it all comes down to I trust my wife. She has never given me a reason to beleive she did anything more wrong than let a few flirt fly and letting a friendship with an ex go beyond what it should be hanging out alone. As far as the parties, she goes and doesn't even spend much time with him. She is talking to other people from work and watching the game and talking to the women there more than anything else. These are all people who know I exist and always say I am invited.These are all married people who know my wife is married and would never let something like that go on in front of them. If they saw her and Bill always sneaking off together someone would confront them about it or even tell me about it. But again, I know my wife would not do that and if Bill did ever try something I trust that she would knee him in the nads and tell me about it.


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## wannabeteacher85

And one other thing I feel I should add. After I my wife agreed to not be alone with him anymore, after a few weeks he finally asked her at work why they never did anything anymore. And she honestly said because it made my husband uncomfortable and I love my husband and never want him to feel that way. He responded saying that he felt bad for doing that and never wants to make me ever feel that way and said he wants to meet me. He has actually invited me and the fam over to his house to swim a few times and it is just by bad luck that we were busy those days. But I have texted him a few times and he has always been nice and genuine. I guess never meeting him it is hard for me to trust him around my wife. While I do not think I will ever be comfortable with them alone together again I want to feel comfortable with them alone at a party together. He is a single 40 something year old guy who has never been married and has had man gf. Guess being that type of guy makes me worry about his boundries. All I can do is trust my wife and know that if he ever crossed them she would tell me. She knows when we first got married that my greatest fear would be for someone to cheat on me. So she swore to me, even though she says it will never happen, that if somehow it did she would tell me and not hide it. I trust her on that.


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## Cubby

Teacher, get your head out of the sand. Your wife is at the very least emotionally attached to this guy. It could even be physical. Yeah, we know.....not your wife....she's different.

Think about the fact that she DID NOT WANT YOU AT THE PARTY. There's a reason for that and it has nothing to do with worrying about you being bored. She wants to spend time with her guy without her pesky husband around.

You need to learn how affairs start and a good place to start is with Shirley Glass' classic book, "Not Just Friends." If there's anyone who needs to read this, it's you. You also have to realize that this stuff can happen to anyone. It might start innocently, but has a way of snowballing until it's too late. This guy has already been flirting with her. Don't think she doesn't like that. And don't think it's stopped. In fact, it's gone farther than simple firting. Stop thinking your wife would never cheat on you. Wake up.


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## tom67

Trust but verify. Do you both have access to each others phones.


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## John Lee

wannabeteacher85 said:


> And one other thing I feel I should add. After I my wife agreed to not be alone with him anymore, after a few weeks he finally asked her at work why they never did anything anymore. And she honestly said because it made my husband uncomfortable and I love my husband and never want him to feel that way. He responded saying that he felt bad for doing that and never wants to make me ever feel that way and said he wants to meet me. He has actually invited me and the fam over to his house to swim a few times and it is just by bad luck that we were busy those days. But I have texted him a few times and he has always been nice and genuine. I guess never meeting him it is hard for me to trust him around my wife. While I do not think I will ever be comfortable with them alone together again I want to feel comfortable with them alone at a party together. He is a single 40 something year old guy who has never been married and has had man gf. Guess being that type of guy makes me worry about his boundries. All I can do is trust my wife and know that if he ever crossed them she would tell me. She knows when we first got married that my greatest fear would be for someone to cheat on me. So she swore to me, even though she says it will never happen, that if somehow it did she would tell me and not hide it. I trust her on that.


What a great guy! Nothing to hide! Invited you to his house! Stop being so naive. You don't want to go to this guy's house, and you do not want him to be your wife's "friend."


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## thismanhere

You need to understand that an affair doesn’t just mean physical. Sounds like your wife is having an emotional affair. Typically (not always) affairs begin because there is a need not being met by the spouse. For women, this is usually an emotional need. I had a similar situation, where I was content with our marriage and ignorant to her needs, but it was too late by the time I found out; the emotional affair turned physical. YOU DON’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. Trust me. 

You both need to find things that you enjoy doing together. She never needs to be alone with men and you never need to be alone with women. You say your marriage is strong, but you are only one year in; wait until double digits hit. Visit marriage builders dot com. Both of you should take the emotional needs questionnaire and share it with each other. Build a strong marriage foundation now so you won’t be in a crisis when you do hit the double digits.

Speaking from experience, it is a slow fade my friend.


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## MrK

Let's see what we've got...

1 - He wants to screw your wife. Of that I have no doubt. NO MAN puts that much effort into a relationship where he doesn't want sex. He said it in his texts, for gods sake.

2 - Your wife was on a slippery slope when you caught her. She said sorry, so she started...dating him...?

:scratchhead:

I don't know where I was going with that.

This kind of confuses me too:



wannabeteacher85 said:


> ...about 3 or 4 months before I met my wife she dated a man, lets call him Bill. Her and Bill never slept together but basically did everything else


So they were in middle school then? I'm having a hard time with this too.


DUDE! She stops dating her old boyfriend, OK?


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## movin on

The fact that she didn't want you to go to the co workers house says it all.
Hate to say it but your wife has a boyfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on

Oh and if they didn't have sex.. Don't worry 

They will soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee

I wouldn't go that far, but I do think it's a little weird that the wife doesn't want him along. She may not fully know her own motives. I don't see why you can't go to a football party just because you're not a big football guy. Do YOU feel like you don't want to go because YOU won't enjoy it, or is that her putting words in your mouth? Can you go together every other week instead of her going alone every week? Can you stay four hours instead of eight?


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## Hicks

Why are you being so nice.
Your wife's lack of happiness is not your fault.
You are letting her date and socialze as a single woman.
All this fun should be had between you two as a couple, not independently with other men or people.
Big mistakes you are making


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## Cubby

thismanhere said:


> Typically (not always) affairs begin because there is a need not being met by the spouse. For women, this is usually an emotional need.


I'm going to disagree here. I would place the blame for affairs in most cases on poor boundaries and dopamine. Usually the only need that's not met by a spouse is that they're not "new and exciting." 

When a spouse starts talking to a "friend," who they might find attractive, and then continually talks to them, maybe some flirting here and there and eventually starts to bond emotionally, that's an example of poor boundaries. A married person should know where to draw the line in any friendships with the opposite sex and never let it get to a point where flirting goes on.

The dopamine (and other chemicals) plays a part in clouding the wayward spouse's judgement. As the boundaries get eroded and more time is spent with the "friend," the feel-good chemicals are now in play. It's the same chemicals drug users experience and it's why they're addicted. It's the same feeling we all felt when we've "fallen in love." This new and exciting person is making the wayward spouse feel the wonderful effects of dopamine. It's called the "affair fog." At the same time, the betrayed spouse appears less attractive in her eyes and represents reality, which is not nearly as appealing as the wonderful dopamine-induced world she now finds herself in.

In this case, that's why she doesn't want "teacher" to attend the parties and is very adamant about that. The reaction is similar to a drug user not able to get their fix.


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## Cubby

Hicks said:


> Why are you being so nice.
> Your wife's lack of happiness is not your fault.
> You are letting her date and socialze as a single woman.
> All this fun should be had between you two as a couple, not independently with other men or people.
> Big mistakes you are making


:iagree: Just letting her go to parties is a mistake. It's setting up opportunities to meet men and bond. But in this case, there already is a man who's at these parties. AND SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU THERE. She can come up with all kinds of reasons she doesn't want you there, but there's really only one reason: She doesn't want you to c0ckbl0ck.


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## tom67

Cubby said:


> :iagree: Just letting her go to parties is a mistake. It's setting up opportunities to meet men and bond. But in this case, there already is a man who's at these parties. AND SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU THERE. She can come up with all kinds of reasons she doesn't want you there, but there's really only one reason: She doesn't want you to c0ckbl0ck.


I hope you are going you have got allot of good info here.


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## betrayed2013

you say u trust ur wife, but lets face it, you dont. If u did, u wouldnt even be on this forum at all. Clearly ur worried and she shouldnt be goin to these nfl parties at all without u, especially wen everyone else there is with their married partner. All except the man stud, hmmmmm....wonder wat could happen. A football game is only 3.5 hrs tops, wat is she doing the other 4.5 hours?


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## Pufferfish

I can't help but post a reply. You Sir, have been living in denial. 

Your narrative reminds me of that old Jim Carrey movie called "Me Myself & Irene". In case you hadn't seen it, in that movie Jim Carreys wife gives birth to 3 childen who are obviously of different ethnicity (Obviously not his). Jim Carreys character carries on as though nothing has happened but underneath he is psychologically unravelling. There is a reason why you are feeling bad. 

Your wife, I'm sorry to say has crossed the infidelity line. At the very least, she is engaged in an all out emotional affair. It wouldn't surprise me if it has already gone beyond that to the physical. If the roles were reversed, you would be called a cheating husband already by all of her friends and family. 

There is something you need to do. Saying you trust her and hoping for the best seems to be a bit flimsy to me. I would hedge a bet that the messages you are ALLOWED to check have been vetted. It's so easy to get a prepaid phone and open new email accounts these days. Your wife should cease all contact with this man. If your wife values your marriage at all, she will comply. I would say that your wife changing jobs is a consideration if you want to save your marriage. 

Lastly, I'd say that a man who makes so much effort for a woman does want to have sex with her. Of course platonic relationships between a man and a woman under these circumstances can exist. But the chances of that are very very very very very small.

With the way things are right now, the odds are very much stacked against you. Good luck.


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## chillymorn

shes banging him wake up and grow a pair.

who would want to be married to someone who goes to parties and flirts with other men?

come on man.........wake up and take control.


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## tom67

Spidey sense on this one not sayin just sayin.


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## James C

C'mon man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

wannabeteacher85 said:


> Well I know it is hard to beleive and probably hear it all the time but I know my wife is not cheating and that this is not about wanting to see him. Honestly the only reason they are friends is she wants to be able to go to these parties. It is just a bunch of middle aged married people who watch football together. My wife is 25 by the way and I am 28. If I thought she was cheating in any way I would be in a different forum. My question here is not is she cheating but is it ok for a wife to go to want to go do something like this without me there?


No it is not ok.

Rule #1 of marriage:

Your spouse always is invited along on any social outing, always and without a. formal invite. If your spouse isn't invited then you don't go. That's not to say the spouse has to go, but is always included.

Your wife not wanting you to go is a major problem ESPECIALLY when she's feeling you don't give her enough attention

And even more so when

The OM is single and is the one who invited her. 

Dude you do realize she is his date right? 
Step 1. Develop share interest and activity

Step 2. Isolate her to have 1:1 time and relationship building

Step 3. Get her into bed.

It's clear he has achieved step 1 and is doing step 2. Her not wanting you there is her helping him , as you would cramp him and her.

Has he achieved step 3? It could very well be.


Dude, you need to aggressively insert yourself into this situation and you need to step up and be the man in her life, not him. He btw is clearly intending on hooking up with her. No man puts that effort into a woman that he doesn't hope to bed.


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## TRy

wannabeteacher85 said:


> Yesterday she told me she was going to be going to 2 of these parties this week and I asked to go to one with her. She got upset and said I was trying to take away something that was hers. Something for her to do to get away for a while and have some her time. I understand that but I would love to go to these things. I want to go drink a bit and talk and be social.


 Big red flag alert. I call bull to your wife saying that she wanted "her time" without you going to these parties that Bill is welcome at. What she is calling "her time", is really "her time with Bill". 

You have already had issues with Bill and her, where Bill has made it clear that his intentions with your wife are to be more than just friends. Although she told him what you wanted her to say, that does not change the way he feels about her, or the fact that she enjoys his attention and company. These game parties are her going around her promise to stop the inappropriate relationship that she has with Bill. Her going to these parties with him and not you, is almost the same as dating him. She does not want you to go even some of the time, because she knows that her friends think of her as being Bill's girl and not yours. Because of this, you going would make everyone, not just Bill and your wife, very uncomfortable.

First, Google "emotional affair". Your wife is in at least an emotional affair (EA) with Bill, and that is cheating. Read "Not Just Friends" today to find out how bad your situation is. Download it and read it now. Second, tell your wife that "if Bill can see you at a party that you do not want me to go to, I have a problem with that." Then tell her that "your so called me time without me, is really nothing more than you spending time with Bill without me." Follow this up with "it is time to tell me what is really going on with you and Bill?"

It is time to take your wife back from Bill and demand full no contact (NC) with him unless it is work related. It is also time to demand mutual full transpancy for both of you with each other. This transparency would include all passwords and access without complaint, and an agreement not to delete any texts or emails from Bill without showing it to you first. You need to also tell her that not only will you be going to as many of these parties as you want, but she better make you feel welcome and make sure that every one knows that she is with you. You must be willing to back these demands up with action that includes a willingness to file for divorce and not look back. If she is willing to let you divorce her so that she can go to these parties with Bill and not you, then your marriage is not worth the paper it is written on. Time is not on your side. Every day, Bill is stealing a little bit more of her from you. Man up now and take action, or regret it later.


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## ChelseaBlue

wannabeteacher85 said:


> ....Yesterday she told she was going to be going to 2 of these parties this week and I asked to go to one with her. She got upset and said I was trying to take away something that was hers..


Are you sure the second party this week is a football party, and not a one-on-one party with Bill? There is nothing special or out of the ordinary happening this week in football. Why a second party this week?


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## manfromlamancha

Having read your thread so far, here are my observations:

Regardless of how "nice" this guy is, your wife and he once dated, considered becoming intimate, and he has now flirted with your wife knowing she was married but somehow regrets having made you feel bad about it - he is toxic to your marriage - plain and simple.
Time has shown again and again that such people cannot "just be friends" with people of the opposite sex that they have had and still have a romantic interest in.
Inviting you to swim is just his way of assessing what he is up against and also lulling you into a false sense of security - do not be naive and fall for it - instead suggest to your wife that it is high time that he found a girlfriend as staying single could be damaging to his health and that he should invite this girlfriend (once he finds her) to swim at his house
I am an engineer and a scientist - believe me you can learn to like and maybe even love football - my advice do it now!
If you do not pay attention to the above the odds are stacked against you that she will once again resume inappropriate communications with him which could rapidly go downhill from there (and I do mean rapidly and completely unexpected by you). Do not be taken by surprise.

You have a loving but susceptible wife - take the necessary actions to help her protect herself and your marriage.


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## just got it 55

OP I think you have very serious problems Bud


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## John Lee

Stand up for yourself in the marriage -- if the marriage is good, doing this will only make it stronger. If it's bad, you'll find out sooner or later anyway.


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## John Lee

I think you should also be up front with her about why you are concerned. She may be in denial. Unlike some of the posters here, I'm not convinced that she's already cheating, but I think she may be "susceptible" as the above person put it. She likes the escape and attention that going to these Bill parties offers her (sorry I didn't get whether this is at his house or just something he goes to), and she got defensive about them when you asked to come along because some part of her is aware of what's going on. Maybe she's not cheating, maybe she doesn't have a specific plan to cheat, but maybe she's letting herself get closer and closer to temptation. You need to be clear with her about your feelings and about why this is a problem. She may or may not get it, but you have to be clear so that there's something at stake for her. As long as you're all wishy washy and permissive and indefinite about it, you're giving her no clear boundary.


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## EleGirl

Get the book "Not Just Friends". Both of you need to read it.


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## tom67

You need to go to the parties.
and
You have a calm emotionless speech where she does not date other men while married or you are divorcing her.

You ask her if you were meeting an ex girlfriend would that be ok every weekend but you don't think there is anything wrong so I'll shut up.


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## James C

This is a situation I just don't get. I dunno, maybe it's me. 

I tried putting myself in your situation but I'm a diehard football guy. So, If it were something different she enjoyed and I didn't. Something male dominated. Like NASCAR. There is no way that would fly. Then throw in an ex and the fact she doesn't really want me there? You got more red flags than a communist rally. 

My wife and I spend too much time apart as it is between work and commitments. Any planning we do is for us being together. Sure, we have our time apart with same-sex friends but this isn't the case here. 

If this is a real post then I apologize but where is your social intelligence? At best, she doesn't enjoy your company, at least when Bill is around, and you know what the worst is. 

I don't even understand having to explain it to her.


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## nuclearnightmare

wannabeteacher85 said:


> And one other thing I feel I should add. After I my wife agreed to not be alone with him anymore, after a few weeks he finally asked her at work why they never did anything anymore. And she honestly said because it made my husband uncomfortable and I love my husband and never want him to feel that way. He responded saying that he felt bad for doing that and never wants to make me ever feel that way and said he wants to meet me. He has actually invited me and the fam over to his house to swim a few times and it is just by bad luck that we were busy those days. But I have texted him a few times and he has always been nice and genuine. I guess never meeting him it is hard for me to trust him around my wife. While I do not think I will ever be comfortable with them alone together again I want to feel comfortable with them alone at a party together. He is a single 40 something year old guy who has never been married and has had man gf. Guess being that type of guy makes me worry about his boundries. All I can do is trust my wife and know that if he ever crossed them she would tell me. She knows when we first got married that my greatest fear would be for someone to cheat on me. So she swore to me, even though she says it will never happen, that if somehow it did she would tell me and not hide it. I trust her on that.


Don't worry about his boundaries. You need to devote all your worries to your wife's boundaries! She sounds like someone who is not ready to be married - to anyone. Immature
Her friendship with "Bill" is an enormous act of disrespect toward you. Those aside from it raising the probability o infidelity. You say you trust her. You should not. Her actions do not justify it.

Shut it all down, without debate.


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## John Lee

James C said:


> This is a situation I just don't get. I dunno, maybe it's me.
> 
> I tried putting myself in your situation but I'm a diehard football guy. So, If it were something different she enjoyed and I didn't. Something male dominated. Like NASCAR. There is no way that would fly. Then throw in an ex and the fact she doesn't really want me there? You got more red flags than a communist rally.
> 
> My wife and I spend too much time apart as it is between work and commitments. Any planning we do is for us being together. Sure, we have our time apart with same-sex friends but this isn't the case here.
> 
> If this is a real post then I apologize but where is your social intelligence? At best, she doesn't enjoy your company, at least when Bill is around, and you know what the worst is.
> 
> I don't even understand having to explain it to her.


This post cracked me up, even though it's real talk.


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## Shaggy

Which is worse - your wife upset because you invite yourself to her party with bill, or , your wife dating bill?


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## Headspin

Here's some advice that you should take - now

Stop posting here in your own thread for a day 

Spend 4 to 5 hours perusing the Coping with Infidelity forum and actually read many of the stories in there. Digest them 

Come back in here tomorrow and see if you can still tell us all that your wife is trustworthy and everything is alright 


...I hate to say this but your life is about to take a tumble my friend


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## Rayloveshiswife

I did not read all the way through this. But is sounds like your wife is finding things to so with others because you don't feel like spending time with her. You even said you are not treating her as good as you used to. News flash. Your wife needs companionship, if she does not get it from you she will get it from someone else. And sooner or later one of these relationships will turn physical. Unless she told you that dhe does not desire to go out with you, Get off your ass and go spend time with your wife. For a while you may have to do what she wants instead of what you want, but it sounds like you started this mess or at least stood still and watched it happen. 

You need to date your wife again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carlchurchill

WOW you are like the textbook husband who enables his wife to cheat!!! A+


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## harrybrown

Ask your wife if it is okay when she goes to the "football party",
that you go out an party?

Your wife should change her job and stop having any contact with Bill.

When she said they kissed, that is not all they did.

Wake up and respect yourself. Your wife does not respect you.

If she goes, you go. Man up.


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## Pault

Fella the guys are soooooo right here.

When a wife attends parties and blocks you going with any reason then you should be concerned. Even if you are invited and apologise and not go you have at least been considered. 

The football party is a date for your W and her guy. He is where YOU should be. You may not like football as much as her, whose says anll the other spouses invited are football lovers as well. I suggest some will not be but still go. 

The "I know you not interested in xyz" is a great way of saying " I dont want you there".
Therfore on the day of the first football party, get yourslef a teams jersey and go with her. If she gets angry that your comeing then point out that other spouces are there and youll have a great time with the crowd. be prepared to counter every reason for you not going until she eitehr agrees or says shes not going. At which point you offer to take her to a bar to watch the game. Make a point telling her this bill is NOt your H and is to close, hes getting the emotional connection that you should be getting. Stand up and be straight about it. I suspect that something has or is about to happen between them and your giving her the clear way.


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## MrK

wannabeteacher85 said:


> I know I am not there but the thing is all the other people at this party I know and if something was going on it would definitely get back to me.


No, it won't. While you are reading through Coping with Infidelity like headspin recommended, note all of the instances of "none of our friends told me what was going on".

How well do you know these people? Can you talk to them? Sucking face on the sofa in the corner, or them cutting out to a bedroom for an hour MAY get back to you. But "yeah, I noticed they were a little too friendly, but who am I to say?" won't get back to you unless you talk to someone.

And when you talk to them, CONFIRM that damn 8 hour thing. I can GUARANTEE they will say those parties are never longer than 4 or 5 hours. I've never heard of an NFL party to watch 2 games. It's usually the local game, right?

And that second game is surely the Thursday night game. Unless it's "her team" (hence a descent reason to stay out past midnight on a school night with lover boy), that will be your night to spy.

And in every one of these scenario's there's that "huh?" moment that you think either "troll" or "what planet does this guy live on?". She doesn't want you to go to a party when she's with her date? An ex boyfriend who wants to **** her and she's already been inappropriate with him"?

:scratchhead:

I hate to scream "troll", but COME-ON man! I know it's hard for you. You see the 95% of the time she's a devoted wife and this 5% "dating and ex boyfriend" is a small 5%. All WE know about her is the infidelity aspects, so our view is different. Wrong? Maybe. But DAMN dude!


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## thunderstruck

wannabeteacher85 said:


> Well she texted Bill and told him they could still be friends but the flirting had to stop. Which was fine with me.


Ugh. In my experience, ex's start talking about the good ol' banging days in no time. Some of the facts here - Bill is an ex, Bill was flirting with your wife, Bill wants to nail your W. Mix in some alcohol at an 8 hour party...man, you better wake the F up quick.

Translation of your quote above - "Bill, stop flirting on the texts, b/c my controlling hubby is reading them. Instead, give me the s*x talk through my secret email/phone."


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## tom67

MrK said:


> No, it won't. While you are reading through Coping with Infidelity like headspin recommended, note all of the instances of "none of our friends told me what was going on".
> 
> How well do you know these people? Can you talk to them? Sucking face on the sofa in the corner, or them cutting out to a bedroom for an hour MAY get back to you. But "yeah, I noticed they were a little too friendly, but who am I to say?" won't get back to you unless you talk to someone.
> 
> And when you talk to them, CONFIRM that damn 8 hour thing. I can GUARANTEE they will say those parties are never longer than 4 or 5 hours. I've never heard of an NFL party to watch 2 games. It's usually the local game, right?
> 
> And that second game is surely the Thursday night game. Unless it's "her team" (hence a descent reason to stay out past midnight on a school night with lover boy), that will be your night to spy.
> 
> And in every one of these scenario's there's that "huh?" moment that you think either "troll" or "what planet does this guy live on?". She doesn't want you to go to a party when she's with her date? An ex boyfriend who wants to **** her and she's already been inappropriate with him"?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> I hate to scream "troll", but COME-ON man! I know it's hard for you. You see the 95% of the time she's a devoted wife and this 5% "dating and ex boyfriend" is a small 5%. All WE know about her is the infidelity aspects, so our view is different. Wrong? Maybe. But DAMN dude!


That's what I'm beginning to wonder.:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## MrK

Had enough yet? Are you getting it?


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## Dad&Hubby

Okay OP, I won't go into the affair aspect of this (even though I believe your wife is in what is called an emotional affair at the least).

So your wife says she's lonely and wants attention, and the two of you decide the way to fix this problem is for her to hang out with another guy?

Do you see a problem here? Does that make ANY sense? So she not getting her affection and attention needs met in the marriage so the decision is for her to spend LESS time with her husband?


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## Rayloveshiswife

I've heard that 17% of women that cheat, do it with someone from their past and 24% do it with someone they work with. Your wife is checking off two of those boxes. I would go to one of those parties. Show up late and do not tell her you are going to be there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

You have a problem that you created. You told her to tell him to stop flirting with her, yet you let her hang out with the guy. You substituted one for the other. Problem is maybe he doesn't flirt on line but now he does it face to face.

Second thing your doing is defending her actions. Friend. Your wife has no business chatting and flirting on line with her old BF and to make matters worse, she has no business going to the movies or going to get something to eat with him. THIS IS CALLED DATING! If it bothered you that he was flirting on line yet you still let her hang out with this guy, then to even compound it more, she tells you that nothing is going on and that she loves you and your hearing what she wants you to here. As long as she tells you the sky is yellow, your going to believe her.

Now you opened up a big can of worms by letting this nonsense go on and when you reach your breaking point and finally wise up and try to put a halt to it, your going to have a great big handful of trouble on your hands because you gave her way too much liberty. 

All in all you gave yourself enough rope to hang you. She's already proved it when you decided to go with her to one of the parties and she shut your ass down. Right then and there you should have not only seen the warning sign, but told her that if that's the case then the parties are over. She knows full well that if she tells you what happened there that you'll take it a gospel truth and never question it. You keep this up your going to be the butt of the jokes by all these people when you find her in a compromising position with this guy when she's laying in bed with him and she tells you that they had no choice but to undress and lay on each other because they were cold and you'll believe it. Time for you to wake up and put an end to this, or your going to get a first class example of real serious hurt.


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## ThreeStrikes

How thoughtful of your wife to let you babysit the kids while she lives the single life.

Do you pay all the bills, as well? Cook, clean?


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## nogutsnoglory

There is no way I can believe you are this naive. You have gotten all the advice you deserve if you are. Take it, or learn the hard way.
Good luck


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## TRy

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I did not read all the way through this. But is sounds like your wife is finding things to so with others because you don't feel like spending time with her.


 If you had read all the way through you would see that he does want to go with her, but she does not want him to go. Specifically the OP said "Yesterday she told me she was going to be going to 2 of these parties this week and I asked to go to one with her. She got upset and said I was trying to take away something that was hers. Something for her to do to get away for a while and have some her time. I understand that but I would love to go to these things. I want to go drink a bit and talk and be social."


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## MrK

6301 said:


> ...you find her in a compromising position with this guy when she's laying in bed with him and she tells you that they had no choice but to undress and lay on each other because they were cold and you'll believe it.


I WISH I tagged that post where A guy caught his naked wife climbing down off of a naked man in bed. She explained it away and he ended the post asking if we thought she was cheating.

Swear to god.


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## someone90

MrK said:


> I WISH I tagged that post where A guy caught his naked wife climbing down off of a naked man in bed. She explained it away and he ended the post asking if we thought she was cheating.
> 
> Swear to god.


lol, I'd love to see that post.

Anyway, Teacher85, don't trust everything your wife is saying. She might not even admit to herself what she is doing. 

There are big problems here, a normal wife who really cared about her husband wouldn't be comfortable with another guy flirting with her, but she had to wait for you to stop it. She even told you she liked the attention, and now she's at parties for 8 hours with an ex and she doesn't want you there? You better wake up and realize that she's not perfect. Nothing may have happened yet but it's definitely going to.


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## Entropy3000

6301 said:


> You have a problem that you created. You told her to tell him to stop flirting with her, yet you let her hang out with the guy. You substituted one for the other. Problem is maybe he doesn't flirt on line but now he does it face to face.
> 
> Second thing your doing is defending her actions. Friend. Your wife has no business chatting and flirting on line with her old BF and to make matters worse, she has no business going to the movies or going to get something to eat with him. THIS IS CALLED DATING! If it bothered you that he was flirting on line yet you still let her hang out with this guy, then to even compound it more, she tells you that nothing is going on and that she loves you and your hearing what she wants you to here. As long as she tells you the sky is yellow, your going to believe her.
> 
> Now you opened up a big can of worms by letting this nonsense go on and when you reach your breaking point and finally wise up and try to put a halt to it, your going to have a great big handful of trouble on your hands because you gave her way too much liberty.
> 
> All in all you gave yourself enough rope to hang you. She's already proved it when you decided to go with her to one of the parties and she shut your ass down. Right then and there you should have not only seen the warning sign, but told her that if that's the case then the parties are over. She knows full well that if she tells you what happened there that you'll take it a gospel truth and never question it. You keep this up your going to be the butt of the jokes by all these people when you find her in a compromising position with this guy when she's laying in bed with him and she tells you that they had no choice but to undress and lay on each other because they were cold and you'll believe it. Time for you to wake up and put an end to this, or your going to get a first class example of real serious hurt.


Typical bait and switch thread where the OP states some very obvious issues. Then gets told these ARE serious problems. Then after the bait they switch over and start arguing why they do not have any problems. That it is all good and the advice is wrong. I look at these and say ... BS for Bait and Switch. Can this not be on purpose. That would be some serious for real denial but I suppose.

Allowing his wife to hangout with an EX is asking for trouble but this is absurd.


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## James C

MrK said:


> I WISH I tagged that post where A guy caught his naked wife climbing down off of a naked man in bed. She explained it away and he ended the post asking if we thought she was cheating.
> 
> Swear to god.


NO WAY!!! 
Did he read an email from his wife to her boss saying how she liked the " hide the salami" game at lunch and then couldn't understand why the next day his wife got pissed at him for moving the salami from the cold cut draw to the crisper?


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## Pault

MrK said:


> No, it won't. While you are reading through Coping with Infidelity like headspin recommended, note all of the instances of "none of our friends told me what was going on".
> 
> How well do you know these people? Can you talk to them? Sucking face on the sofa in the corner, or them cutting out to a bedroom for an hour MAY get back to you. But "yeah, I noticed they were a little too friendly, but who am I to say?" won't get back to you unless you talk to someone.
> 
> And when you talk to them, CONFIRM that damn 8 hour thing. I can GUARANTEE they will say those parties are never longer than 4 or 5 hours. I've never heard of an NFL party to watch 2 games. It's usually the local game, right?
> 
> And that second game is surely the Thursday night game. Unless it's "her team" (hence a descent reason to stay out past midnight on a school night with lover boy), that will be your night to spy.
> 
> And in every one of these scenario's there's that "huh?" moment that you think either "troll" or "what planet does this guy live on?". She doesn't want you to go to a party when she's with her date? An ex boyfriend who wants to **** her and she's already been inappropriate with him"?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> I hate to scream "troll", but COME-ON man! I know it's hard for you. You see the 95% of the time she's a devoted wife and this 5% "dating and ex boyfriend" is a small 5%. All WE know about her is the infidelity aspects, so our view is different. Wrong? Maybe. But DAMN dude!


Some good points here especially the last para.

teacher, either your not what you claim to be or you have a massive issue with analysis the trends you have pointed out to the guys. 

The observation made by Mr K is a good one. Being in Europe we dont see or get involved with American football. However, if I translate this to game to soccer then look at the points even themn with soccer made Europeans 8 hours at one individuals home with the volume of people you imply would be an issue. 4 at a stretch 5 hours plus drinking would see some wobbley legs.

In saying that, if there is alchohol about then moral defenses are retracted and fun and games commence.
And no, HER friends would not run to tell you about things they see of hear about your W and this guy. 

Unless your W or this guy upset someone then the chances of some insider information is so not going to happen.

The only ay you'll break that code is to get iin the circle and make some positive contact with people. Then one or two who may not like what they witness may just let slip a comment.

However, Ill be interested to see what comes back once your actually read these posts, if this is a real situation you should be now starting to break down the issue and form an action plan to get in there are see what is happeneing.

If it were my W, Id already have set up a match day and turned up with a nice pack of beers and appologised for being late. Heck Id even have text my W about 3 minutes before I walked in sayaing "Thought Id join you for the match tonight" and enter Husband left stage. 
If you do plan something like this, play it well and learn a bit about one of the teams. ts great when some one says you dont like this game or you dont know anyting about this game and you spout facts - suddenly reasons for you not being here are usless AND others in the "party" will have common ground to talk with you. 

I suspect though, it isnt just the leather egg shaped ball thats being handled on these match days


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## Thound

If this thread is real, this is what I would do. Show up at the party an hour or so after it started, and watch the reaction on everyones face and watch thier demeanor. If they are overly awkward you will know whats been going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## someone90

Wonder if he's coming back to this thread...


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## MrK

I doubt it. I think we made our point. He doesn't owe us an update. We may want to watch out for him in the "coping" section though. Once he finally figures out what's going on.


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## stevesvws

John Lee said:


> What a great guy! Nothing to hide! Invited you to his house! Stop being so naive. You don't want to go to this guy's house, and you do not want him to be your wife's "friend."


Agreed, this situation is not good at all. This needs to end now! Should have ended a long time ago.

Like I once used to be, you are naive. She is playing you and so is this guy. 

Keep reading others posts to get advice how to end this. At minimum, you have an emotional affair on your hands. If it hasn't happened yet, physical affair is coming. 

Get your wits together and end this nonsense.


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