# When does it start to get better?



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

My W and I have been in the R since beginning of August. We we were separated for about three months roughly. In that time we both dated, experience new companion(s) but I reached out to her. The D was mutual when I brough it up back in April of this year near my departure for training for my job. For the first two months I was flying back and forth to see her and our son, trying to show her how serious I was and how much I changed for the better. Some noticable things that stuck out initially from her change during it was:

- was not receptive to sex, talking about it in any form
- would shut down faster when we talked about issues
- was ready to just cancel R because she felt it was too much pressure?
- she was more into working things out for us and not primarily our son

Shoot forward today. They moved down south to where Ive been the last six months now. We are suppose to be moving overseas pretty soon so shes not working until we settle over there. I think overall we are happy but I just can not get over the sex, the lack of intimacy thing. We started counseling and her eval is that my W feels like I have some making up to due from our past. She's still closed off which in turns keeps the barrier she built. My W always stresses that I need to work, that I need to maintain patience through this process, but it's like when will things change? When will her sexual desire for me be regained or will it ever? It doesnt help if I even step on the subject of sex without her getting pissy like Im using her for a sexual object. Im losing my damn mind and I could really use someone else insight on to manage my thoughts until she does recover 100%.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

So is she saying she can't have sex with you until she's ready?
Maybe she needs more warmup before sex can happen. 
Try holding her hand out of blue, hug her from behind when washing dishes... and just walk away without saying anything. (Not too long though then she will think you are holding/hugging her just so you can have sex)

Just a thought..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Well heres where I get confused. She says she is still "sexually attracted" to me but she doesnt have any sexual desire for me. Now mind you it took about two months before we started having sexual intercourse, thats when she felt comfortable enough. I crave frequency but she's says she not there mentally for it to be a frequent occurence of sex plus she doesnt like discussing it (sexting, taking pics, anything related to the subject). She says the more I bring it up, the further she moves away from the thought. She mentioned she doesnt like the way I kiss or touch her (is there anyway to touch your spouse inappropriately? and Im a damn good kisser). She wont talk about her end of the separation which is partially understandable, her business. I snooped this weekend and found some intimate details from the period of her sep up until the timeframe we were officially back together. It bothers when she tells me stuff like she wanted attention and whoever provided it she was open to. Sexting, crazy emails, even messages on FB. Then when I try to provide that attention its like she turns away from me. Im so bothered by this Idk what to do anymore. If I sent her a pic right now of me naked she probably wouldnt respond or it would be something along the lines of "thats nice". Its like she wanted attention when were separated and she was lonely/bored but then we you are back in a real relationship you turn the complete opposite? Thats not cool.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

She was sending crazy emails with the people she dated while you guys were apart?


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

It was explicit stuff. I dont care the fact that all that happened, it was mutual. Its just that when I came back into the marriage, I didnt do a 180 from her. Granted I go out less, I drink a hell of a lot more when I was "single"/separation. I dont want anyone reading this to think Im the goody two shoes in this scenario. Its just that the way she talked to those guys, the way she responded, thats the person I want her to be! Its like the sexual maniac went to rehab and is now normal I suppose? It just confuses how she said it was a cry for help because she couldnt get over me easily. She seeked attention and thats how she responded. Now thats shes getting the attention she needs from one person (me), its like shes closed off that part of her brain now that we are together. Wtf happened or am I to blame? Makes me wonder if shes just winging this and shes not truely happy with the decision.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Try something new. Try to have an affair with her!

I read somewhere that someone tried that and had lots of success. Start an email in yahoo with your name, or anything identifyable to you. Start flirting with her and act like YOU DON'T KNOW. 

Do something off the wall. Try to search up and do things that isn't YOU. Show her a new SIDE of you that may be more exciting, more entertaining. It's my observation that in these situations, the typical courting and flirting etc found normally, isn't what's needed. 

Try to find something, anything new and different. 

Hope things work out well for you.


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