# Shaking need your help



## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I can't believe I'm here. I've been reading this site for 2 years now and never thought I would be on here. I'm shaking guys! I need you badly.

Me and my husband have the same phone. I heard it go off just now and I picked it up thinking it was mine. I saw a string of texts from a girl. She shared per pic, her address and he even went to see her. He knows her fairly well. I remember seeing that number in his phone last year in July and he even knows her mom and sister. I can't deny he's been cheating based on the texts. 

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I know from reading this site that I shouldn't confront quite yet. Please help me.

I did forward most of the text messages to myself and I have the address to where she lives. She did invite him to a birthday party 1/31. Tell me next steps before I lose it. 

I want my marriage, but maybe it isn't worth it. We are celebrating two years marriage and 6 years together. No children and a very good life. I had no idea. He's always home, no reason to suspect, sex life is good and he treats me well.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Also she called him her "boyfriend". I'm about to die right now!! This minute. He's sleeping btw. I want to stab him. I won't don't worry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say talk to a lawyer first. Find out what your options are. Find out if infidelity matters, and if the proof you have is enough. 

Figure out what you want. Are there scenarios you can envision where reconciliation is possible?

Develop your support network. Someone you can talk to, share your situation, maybe even a place you can go to if you need it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Get out of the house so you can think without mixed emotions. Do remember you have to be strong. I'm sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

key logger in the computer to search for more evidence in FB and other social media médiums

to be honest with you, you are newlywed and he is already cheating, he is supossed to be in the honey moon stage, I think is better to move on now that you don't have kids or financial bonds, that find 10 years later that he is cheating again


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I found out that my STBXH was cheating at the beginning of this month and I still remember that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. It's hard and it sucks but you will get through this...you will.

First...breath. Calm yourself. Go take a walk or drive to a parking lot to get out of the house and clear your mind. DO NOT act right now because your emotions aren't going to let you think clearly.

Then...do what people said above. Talk to a lawyer just to get your options. Doesn't matter if you don't want to get divorced but at least know your options and your rights. Then take time to think what you want to do...can you live with the fact that he cheated for this long and live a happy marriage? I filed for divorce but I still think about reconciling with my H even though I know I will never be able to trust him again and be in a happy marriage. That is me though....that may not be you.

The fact that you're so early on in your marriage and that you remember seeing that phone number a year ago is astounding because that means he has known this woman for a long time and conducting this behavior in your honeymoon stage and still having sex with you. Btw....go get std tested asap.

Also, think about this....you don't have kids. So it'll be relatively easy for your divorce to go through and you can start a new life and meet someone knew who will treat you better. I have a baby with my H, which makes this divorce thing so much harder.

Stay strong and keep posting on this site. I can't begin to tell you how much this site has helped me and is currently helping me get through the process.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not hesitate to see your MD for some temporary help. This really helps people calm down and cope rationally.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry.

Make sure he can't tell you forwarded those texts to yourself.

Take a walk. A long one. Breathe. In through the nose deeply, out through the mouth. In and out ten times whenever you feel overwhelmed.

Do not forget to eat.

Make dr. and lawyer appointments.

Can you afford to hire a PI to follow your husband? Do you need more evidence that he's cheating? Do you want to know everything or do you have enough?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. If you are both home maybe you should get out for a bit. It is hard to control your emotions when something like this happens.

I am not sure you need more information if you have confirmed that he had a PA through those text messages. Not sure what you need in your state to Divorce and I am not a big fan of Divorce but this early in the marriage! Really.

If you have enough info then expose him and the A. Under control of your emotions would be better but are you a good enough actress to hold off for a few days?

When you do expose do not tell him you are going to do it. Just do it. Family and Friends. Does this POS OW have a boyfriend or husband? If yes expose to them as well. 

In general terms did they talk about sex and or nude pictures? That would be enough for me.

When you do expose tell him to get out. Or file for D and have him served

Getting to a Dr will be helpful as well. If they have had sex it may have been unprotected and you need to make sure you are OK

good luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Do not hesitate to see your MD for some temporary help. This really helps people calm down and cope rationally.


:iagree:

And get checked for STD in the very, very near future.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are right this really hurts.

I remember when I found out about my wife and her cheating.

Do get tested for stds and then be careful.

When the time is right expose and expose.

Try to do something that will help you right now.

If exercise or a walk will calm you, then do it.

If you like to shop, go shopping.

This is not about you. He is selfish.

It took me a while to figure out it was not me, I was not her backup plan, she is just selfish.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm shaking so bad that I forgot my password. 

She sent several pics. One just top nude that didn't show her boobs just a shoulder on up.

Also she just send him her address a few days ago. He said I love you, she said I want 60% of you and I'll give you 100% of me. He did go by her house and said I can only have a beer and I'm out. 

No sex talk, but he might have erased those immediately. 

It's a big snow storm here and I can't leave. I think I should confront since I did see this number before and it was suggestive words, but nothing serious. I didn't want to confront prematurely. I think this is enough info. 

I did look at his text message so I'm sure he'll get defensive about that.

I will get tested ASAP. I'm a little calmer now since you guys responded. I don't need a lawyer. I can get a quick divorce if needed via the courts. 

I didn't confront. Should I? How do I?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is the OW married?

Do they work together?

We need more info so as to guild you thru the confrontation.

You need to educate your self more.

This could go underground and harder to track or confirn NC.

So please breath and think 

Its important that you have a plan after you confront so do not confront until you have ...at least some ducks in a row.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm not sure if she's married. They don't work together. It appears that they have known each other for a while. She mentioned her mom and sister. He knows who they are.

I have her address. Should I wait? Should I try to catch him there? Lawd, this is horrible. I'm feeling so damn bad right now. I just want to scream. He's been sleep all this time. Thank God! 

How do I act normal after this. 

Plan... I can't even think of a plan.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's no "right way". I might consider waiting till you can leave the house, though... 

I'd probably print off what you have, leave it on the kitchen table with your rings and a note that says "My lawyer will be in touch". Then leave the house, go to a hotel or a friends, and font answer the phone.

C


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

AND REMEMBER NO BEGGING OR CRYING!!!!!!!!!!

Your old man has to see how confident you are in letting him go. If he walks out that door he has to believe that its for good.

If he leaves you will consider this abandonment and you will accordingly....if he chooses to leave make sure he takes all his things cuz the M is over.


Again no crying or begging...hell with a smile on your face ask him if he needs help backing.

He has to see a chick that won't take any crap...so be strong, calm and collected...show him you are in control.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> There's no "right way". I might consider waiting till you can leave the house, though...
> 
> I'd probably print off what you have, leave it on the kitchen table with your rings and a note that says "My lawyer will be in touch". Then leave the house, go to a hotel or a friends, and font answer the phone.
> 
> C


I don't want to leave my house. Why should I leave. I need to keep the power don't you think. This is my domain he f'd it up.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

with the Little evidence you have, he will said that there were innapropiate messages but nothing else happened, he will try to fool you, and he will go underground and he will be more careful from now on when he communicates with her.

to confront cheaters is always recomended to have solid and undeniable evidence, belive me they deny deny and deny

example: we have had users whose wives cheated and the husbands had texts and sexual pictures that they send to each other and still the wives deny having sex with arguments like:

"it was a phantasy we really never had sex"
"o yes it say we had but is just kind of role play"
"yes we meet at that place as the texts says but we didn't have sex"

so besides evidence you don't have to buy his bull****, I think you still have to Little to confront him.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> AND REMEMBER NO BEGGING OR CRYING!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Your old man has to see how confident you are in letting him go. If he walks out that door he has to believe that its for good.
> 
> ...


I completely understand. I have to do this! It's so damn hard, but I have to. He's got to go. How can I have him stay here. He's going to think it's ok. I can't do this. He's not going to want to leave his house too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

exposure is your plan.
Take your evidence and expose the affair before they can do any damage control.

If you can take what intel you do have and send it to OW family and his family and ask them for your support.

Hell let the OW parents and sister confront for you that way you don't have to listen to the bull crap lies your old man is about to tell you.

I suggest you expose then confront.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

neverknew said:


> i don't want to leave my house. Why should i leave. I need to keep the power don't you think. This is my domain he f'd it up.


dam straight girl!!!!


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

manticore said:


> with the Little evidence you have, he will said that there were innapropiate messages but nothing else happened, he will try to fool you, and he will go underground and he will be more careful from now on when he communicates with her.
> 
> to confront cheaters is always recomended to have solid and undeniable evidence, belive me they deny deny and deny
> 
> ...


Really?? Him saying "I love you", "I can have one beer and I'm gone", "She saying - I will give you 100% of me, if I can have 60% of you", "I won't hurt you". He calls her "foxy". "Are you at work", "can I see you". 

That's not enough.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The goal is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

Will confronting right now do that or will a few hours of research help in achieving this goal?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I wouldn't confront, or leave a letter or do anything of the sort. 

You're going to have to find a way to calm yourself down, good idea to leave the house and go somewhere for a while. I'm not saying move out, that would be a BAD idea on so many levels. Just go somewhere to cool off, maybe overnight or even a couple of days.

Even if he notices you're upset, you don't have to tell him why.

You're going to have to decide if his cheating is a dealbreaker, if so you're next step is to see an attorney. If you happen to live in a state that penalizes a cheater in a divorce, then you've got to get evidence that will stand up in court. 

If not, and you aren't willing to try to fix the marriage, well then the only reason not to confront is to give yourself the upper hand by hitting him with divorce papers with no prior warning. It might knock him off guard and possibly you'll end up with a better settlement in the end. Sometimes you can draft a petition and get a judge to sign off on it, that orders the cheater out of the house during the tenure of the divorce.

If you think you could forgive him, well there's lots of ways to try to save a marriage after an affair but given that you're newlyweds and he's already cheating, this might not be the way to go.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> Really?? Him saying "I love you", "I can have one beer and I'm gone", "She saying - I will give you 100% of me, if I can have 60% of you", "I won't hurt you". He calls her "foxy". "Are you at work", "can I see you".
> 
> That's not enough.


If you're ready to move on, and know to not allow yourself to be gaslighted, it's enough. It all depends on how gaslightable you are.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

The expose part is difficult. I don't know her and it's hard exposing to his family. I don't think I can do that. I don't want to do that. Is there another way.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> I wouldn't confront, or leave a letter or do anything of the sort.
> 
> You're going to have to find a way to calm yourself down, good idea to leave the house and go somewhere for a while. I'm not saying move out, that would be a BAD idea on so many levels. Just go somewhere to cool off, maybe overnight or even a couple of days.
> 
> ...


Gosh I hate this. I don't want a divorce. I can't even think about that, but I don't want to be cheated on. You are so right and I'm so damn afraid.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> Really?? Him saying "I love you", "I can have one beer and I'm gone", "She saying - I will give you 100% of me, if I can have 60% of you", "I won't hurt you". He calls her "foxy". "Are you at work", "can I see you".
> 
> That's not enough.


That's enough if you just want out of the marriage. At the very least he's having an emotional affair, but I fear it has been physical for a while.

My H had an emotional affair but we had kids and twenty years together. Plus he has worked hard to fix things so I am staying with him. If I was in your shoes, I would stand up straight and tall, and be the strong, confident woman who will give him the gift of divorce. Follow the 180!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Right now is all you got is "just friends" and the "I love you" crap was crossing the line.....

Again the goal is to stop the affair and have the resource to confirm NC.What ever you do do not reveal your resources.

If any thing tell your old man you hired a PI and have proof that he was at the OW house and it was physical.

bull sh!t your way thu to get your old man to admit.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> If you're ready to move on, and know to not allow yourself to be gaslighted, it's enough. It all depends on how gaslightable you are.


I completely understand. I think I should not say anything just yet. How do I pretend.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> Really?? Him saying "I love you", "I can have one beer and I'm gone", "She saying - I will give you 100% of me, if I can have 60% of you", "I won't hurt you". He calls her "foxy". "Are you at work", "can I see you".
> 
> That's not enough.


probably the most he will confess with that is that he got caught in innapropiate texting, but he will once and again deny having sex with her.

you, me and everybody else here knows that they already went physical but belive me he still will try to fool you (or at least most of them try), if you want to confront him with that you can do it, but be prepared because Smart cheaters (I don't know if he will turns to be one) would try and say anything to fool you, even swearing to your parents that he never went physical and like you don't have evidence they can bought his sh*t (it has happened before)


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> The expose part is difficult. I don't know her and it's hard exposing to his family. I don't think I can do that. I don't want to do that. Is there another way.


You're going to have to decide if you want to try to save the marriage.

If not, then there is no need to expose although some here will tell you to do it anyway for your own "self esteem and well being".

Others will say you need to expose to break the affair, and get him out of the so called "affair fog" and then and only then will he maybe realize he's made a huge mistake and want to try to fix things.

I'm not a fan of doing this but if you'll do anything to try to save the marriage then no, there is no other way other than exposing the affair.

In your current state of high anxiety and maybe even panic, the best thing to do right now is nothing. Just think it through. Decide what you want.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Right now is all you got is "just friends" and the "I love you" crap was crossing the line.....
> 
> Again the goal is to stop the affair and have the resource to confirm NC.What ever you do do not reveal your resources.
> 
> ...


OK! I should wait. She just gave him the address of few days ago. She invited him to a party. I wonder if he'll go. It's at the end of the month. This is going to be so hard.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Are you both on the mortgage for the house? If not, consider cutting your losses sooner rather than later.

I agree with YOU, that you do have plenty of evidence now. If you are able 2 confront now, be very mindful of what he offers in response. If it's anything besides "I'll do whatever it takes 2 fix this 2 your satisfaction" and "I will have no further contact with OW forever", then you have your answer. Realize, of course, that if he can't prove 2 you that he's ended his affair, you can bet large sums of other peoples' cash that he's just gotten more careful at hiding it. Trust your hunches.

Oh, and if a guy goes 2 a single self-professed "girlfriend" for a beer, you can also bet large sums of other peoples' cash that they had sex.

It is for2nate that you have no kids. You're young and can start new with someone with integrity.

-ol' 2long


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> The expose part is difficult. I don't know her and it's hard exposing to his family. I don't think I can do that. I don't want to do that. Is there another way.


If you want this crap to stop dead in its tracks....then NO!!!

Your marriage is at stake stop being scared and show both of them that you ain't taking any crap.

Nuke this sh!t and nuke it big time....EXPOSE !!!

SO DAMN IT TAKE THE TIME TO FIND OUT WHO HER PARENTS ARE AND HER SISTER AND NUKE THIS AFFAIR!!!

sorry for shouting but there is no other way if you want to make this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable from continuing.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> That's not enough.


what I mean is that what you have is enough to prove he is being innapropiate, and if you want reconcilation maybe with just that texts and following the methods that are recommended here (as long as he is willing to also), you could do it, but don't expect that with just those texts he will confess a physical affair (even if it already happened)


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> OK! I should wait. She just gave him the address of few days ago. She invited him to a party. I wonder if he'll go. It's at the end of the month. This is going to be so hard.


While I might agree that you may need more info for a lawyer, you must know that this is a PA now. It's not about 2 become one.

Very good suggestion not 2 reveal your source. Be vague about what you know, but be firm that you know he's having an affair. Think about it: He knows he's cheating, you don't need 2 prove it 2 him. And you don't need 2 convince him that you know or how you know. Let him worry about what you know.

Also, don't have sex with him until you both have been given a clean bill of health (which will likely take months), assuming you choose 2 reconcile.

-ol' 2long


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

First of all, what do you want reconcilation or divorce?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have been here at TAM for 2 years. you know what he is going to tell you so why give them both a chance to do their damage control?

You finally have a chance to be a few steps ahead of this affair instead of a few steps behind....so use it wisely.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

2long said:


> Are you both on the mortgage for the house? If not, consider cutting your losses sooner rather than later.
> 
> I agree with YOU, that you do have plenty of evidence now. If you are able 2 confront now, be very mindful of what he offers in response. If it's anything besides "I'll do whatever it takes 2 fix this 2 your satisfaction" and "I will have no further contact with OW forever", then you have your answer. Realize, of course, that if he can't prove 2 you that he's ended his affair, you can bet large sums of other peoples' cash that he's just gotten more careful at hiding it. Trust your hunches.
> 
> ...


NO, we are not both on the house, but this is a 50-50 state, so half is mine. I had no idea. He's always home, have plenty of guy friends that come over. He never stays out late or even disappears. I have such a happy home in my eyes only I guess.

I couldn't agree with you more. I'm so confused.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> You finally have a chance to be a few steps ahead of this affair instead of a few steps behind....so use it wisely.


One thing is certain. 

She's not _ahead _of the affair. 

At this point, it's damage control.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> OK! I should wait. She just gave him the address of few days ago. She invited him to a party. I wonder if he'll go. It's at the end of the month. This is going to be so hard.


In the mean time get prepared for exposing this affair. by finding out how to contact the OW parents.

go see a lawyer and know your options and get a VAR.

See you have a lot to do in order to have an effective confrontation...a confrontation that will nuke it in its tracks.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> You have been here at TAM for 2 years. you know what he is going to tell you so why give them both a chance to do their damage control?
> 
> You finally have a chance to be a few steps ahead of this affair instead of a few steps behind....so use it wisely.


Yes you are so right. One step at a time. I've have been reading this site and always wondered what I would do. Now, I'm here and don't have a friggn clue. 

This sucks! I always said I would leave if he cheated. Now here I am.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

See a lawyer as soon as possible, then. Hold off on confrontation until you've had a consultation with a lawyer, if you can. If you can't, seriously consider staying with family or friends until you can calm down. If your family is close, I'd stay with them and tell them the whole story. They might be able 2 help you stay calm.

best,
-ol' 2long


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> In the mean time get prepared for exposing this affair. by finding out how to contact the OW parents.
> 
> go see a lawyer and know your options and get a VAR.
> 
> See you have a lot to do in order to have an effective confrontation...a confrontation that will nuke it in its tracks.


Understood. Please recommend a good VAR please? Solid proof is defintely what's needed. I'll put it in his car. He drives an hour and 15 minutes to work, I'm sure to get something from that. Do you let him hear the tapes?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lenzi said:


> One thing is certain.
> 
> She's not _ahead _of the affair.
> 
> At this point, it's damage control.


Well lets just say for now her old man doesn't know she knows and that says a lot.

Your right OP doesn't know if they phucked or not.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I honestly feel like I have enough proof, but it's not 100% that proves he's having sex, even though I feel he is.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

neverknew said:


> understood. Please recommend a good var please? Solid proof is defintely what's needed. I'll put it in his car. He drives an hour and 15 minutes to work, i'm sure to get something from that. Do you let him hear the tapes?


definitely not


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Or how long its been going on


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> I honestly feel like I have enough proof, but it's not 100% that proves he's having sex, even though I feel he is.


My I suggest a VAR?
Do you have balls to stick it out and go all James Bond on his @ss?


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> I honestly feel like I have enough proof, but it's not 100% that proves he's having sex, even though I feel he is.


You might not have enough 2 make a case in court (if you even can where you live). But even with what you have, if he isn't *immediately and completely remorseful* when you do confront him, that means he's gone underground and is continuing the affair. And if he does *that*, you won't need 2 know anymore - you'll just need 2 get away from him.

-ol' 2long


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Or how long its been going on


I saw this number last year in July. It was suggestive text, but just like friendly stuff. So, I didn't say anything. He was looking at the phone and I was sitting next to him. I suspected just a bit.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> Do you let him hear the tapes?


That would be pointless. He already knows what's on the tapes.

It's not for him. It's for you.

As others have suggested, you can't be sure if it's gone physical. It sounds to me like you're not ready to give up on this marriage. So you need to know exactly what has gone down. Otherwise you can't know what you might have to be willing to forgive. And the truth is, if you don't get the answers yourself and you do reconcile with him, you'll never really be able to trust him at his word so if he tells you it never went physical it will make you bonkers wondering whether or not it really did.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you should do the foot work in exposing this...you may not like what you hear or see if you start spying.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Do I tell him I saw his phone?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What tapes...did I miss something?


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> My I suggest a VAR?
> Do you have balls to stick it out and go all James Bond on his @ss?


I truly don't know what I'm capable of doing right now. 

The only thing I have going for me now is that he doesn't know I know. I know that's the best start I have so far.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> Do I tell him I saw his phone?


Let's see if we can explain this a bit differently.

Right now you have a bit of an upper hand.

You know something's going on, but he doesn't know that you know. If he knows you know, then it will be much more difficult to discover the truth. Because you won't get it from him under any circumstances. 

So if you tip him off, and he naturally takes things deeper underground, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

So, in short, the answer to "do I show him my phone" is the same as "do I tell him I suspect" or "do I tell him I know he's exchanging texts with this woman".

NO.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> What tapes...did I miss something?


Thinking about getting a VAR?


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Let's see if we can explain this a bit differently.
> 
> Right now you have a bit of an upper hand.
> 
> ...


Ok, I gotcha! I'm so all over the place. I really am, but I need to keep the upper hand. I need to do this right. I'm so darn scared. I don't want to lose my marriage. I hate this right now.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I need a drink bad! Pills something. BAD BAD

I'm on the east coast and it's a bad storm. I'm stuck in the house with him right now. I just want to get a hammer and crush his head.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> Do I tell him I saw his phone?


NO!!!Never reveal your sources.

The more lying you do the more he will think you know and he will admit more.

Tell him you hired a PI and tell him you have her address and you want him to send her a NC or you will go over there your self and have some words.

Just so he doesn't think your bluffing tell him it will only take X amount of time to get there.....

So before you confront Google OW address and map quest it to see how far ir is from your house.


See the more you know the more he will admit to.

Tell him back in July you got suspicious and it took you this long to get the money together for the PI.


See how you can be vage enought but tell him enough to know more then you do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My cheating wife was spilling the beans when all I had was some text and a ATM location. for some booze her and OM bought...it just so happened to be by Om home and she thought I knew more then I did.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

NeverKnew said:


> This sucks! I always said I would leave if he cheated. Now here I am.


People are quick to say what they would do if they were in a certain situation but the reality is you don't know until you are in it. It seems as if you are unclear of what actions to take but you don't want a divorce, I would agree with you there divorce is not always the answer in my eyes it never is. Right now rather it seems like it or not you have an advantage over him, he doesn't know you know. I made a mistake of confrontation and it didn't go well. The best things you can do now is just think things out, sit still and wait. There is always hope in a hopeless situation, the is only the beginning and divorce doesn't have to be your only end. You are not alone, many have walked this path before you and made it through it and so can you. Be strong.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> NO!!!Never reveal your sources.
> 
> The more lying you do the more he will think you know and he will admit more.
> 
> ...


Come to think of it, I think the address I have is to the mothers/sister's house. She said she was at her sisters and was he coming there? Ummm? 

Ok, my brain is getting a little more clearer. I looked up the address it's not far from me at all. Practically around the corner.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

standinginthegap said:


> People are quick to say what they would do if they were in a certain situation but the reality is you don't know until you are in it. It seems as if you are unclear of what actions to take but you don't want a divorce, I would agree with you there divorce is not always the answer in my eyes it never is. Right now rather it seems like it or not you have an advantage over him, he doesn't know you know. I made a mistake of confrontation and it didn't go well. The best things you can do now is just think things out, sit still and wait. There is always hope in a hopeless situation, the is only the beginning and divorce doesn't have to be your only end. You are not alone, many have walked this path before you and made it through it and so can you. Be strong.


Thanks so much I need to hear that. I really really did. I love this son of a B...... I do want to fight for this. I really really do. I know this is a new marriage and that sucks, but I really want to fix this the best way possible. (just tears right now). 

But I'm going to be strong. It certainly is not the end of the world.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> If you want this crap to stop dead in its tracks....then NO!!!
> 
> Your marriage is at stake stop being scared and show both of them that you ain't taking any crap.
> 
> ...


I hear you loud and clear!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> Thanks so much I need to hear that. I really really did. I love this son of a B...... I do want to fight for this. I really really do. I know this is a new marriage and that sucks, but I really want to fix this the best way possible. (just tears right now).
> 
> But I'm going to be strong. It certainly is not the end of the world.


The. Make a plan and work a plan and exposing the A is your best option in making the A as inconvenient and as uncomfortable to continue.

See this crap thrieves on the secret and the darkness of it all. By exposing it you bring to light what this really is, the excitement and taboo thrill is gone once every one knows the betrayal and deciet
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> I completely understand. I think I should not say anything just yet. How do I pretend.


Tell him your feel very sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> The. Make a plan and work a plan and exposing the A is your best option in making the A as inconvenient and as uncomfortable to continue.
> 
> See this crap thrieves on the secret and the darkness of it all. By exposing it you bring to light what this really is, the excitement and taboo thrill is gone once every one knows the betrayal and deciet
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WOW..... Friends/Family and her family too. I might look desperate. LAWD, this is difficult. I'm so sad!

This has to be done. I see what you mean. Making the affair difficult for them. I have an address and I can print off the messages and hand them out to everyone. I'm scared.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> WOW..... Friends/Family and her family too. I might look desperate. LAWD, this is difficult. I'm so sad!
> 
> This has to be done. I see what you mean. Making the affair difficult for them. I have an address and I can print off the messages and hand them out to everyone. I'm scared.


NK, read this. It's a good explanation of exposure and how it works. I know it's not from this board, but it's the best road map and comprehensive explanation I've seen yet. You don't need to read the whole thread, just the first page.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> NK, read this. It's a good explanation of exposure and how it works. I know it's not from this board, but it's the best road map and comprehensive explanation I've seen yet. You don't need to read the whole thread, just the first page.
> 
> Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


That site is very informative. Now I fully get the idea of exposing and exposing to the right people that he loves and respects. He has a ton of friends and frankly some of his family would love to see this marriage fall apart. 

I don't have the girls name and it appears that the address might be her sisters. I do have a picture of her, so I can expose her pic and the text messages and give them to someone that opens the door at her sisters and/or mother.

He has a sister that he looks up to like his mother and she would be one important person I can use to help me. He only has one or two friends that I would expose him to. The rest are knuckle heads. 

Ok, it's a big snow storm so I have to live with this secret for a bit. I need to get to work so I can print out the text messages and her pic. I'm not quite sure if I should just write a letter and give it to everyone or what? Not even sure what to say. I guess that I know she is having an affair with my husband. I need to read more about exposing, because I'm not sure what to say. 

Do you confront just prior to exposing or expose first? Not sure the order of things. 

I have to wait so that I don't share my secret about the phone. We are on the same plan and I have access to the records, so I can make up some lie that I was reviewing the call log or something. I need to think about this one. I'm a little calmer now and he's still sleep. He had to work 12 hour shift the last few days, so he's fast asleep.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

For exposure you could put her up on cheaterville.com if you know her name and have evidence. Then you can anonymously link it to whoever you want.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> That site is very informative. Now I fully get the idea of exposing and exposing to the right people that he loves and respects. He has a ton of friends and frankly some of his family would love to see this marriage fall apart.
> 
> I don't have the girls name and it appears that the address might be her sisters. I do have a picture of her, so I can expose her pic and the text messages and give them to someone that opens the door at her sisters and/or mother.
> 
> ...


When you have all the physical evidence you need to confront, then do it face to face initially. If after that he doesn't comply to your demands, then you launch the exposure nuke all at once. It has to hit like a tsunami of truth. 

As far as what to write is concerned, the templates in the link I posted to you are all you need. Just copy and paste them, fill in the blanks, then go to work. Remember though, if it comes to this, then do it all at once. Take a day off and make it so. Don't *****foot around and trickle this out. Go large or go home.

It's your best bet for busting this up.

So sorry you find yourself here. But glad you found us.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

You guys are nuts. *shaking head* Neverknew, seriously, just get the job done now. You have been married 2 years. You have a good job. You don't have a ton of assets with the jerk. Call it a day and move on. He is cheating and disrespecting you. Confront him now and ask him to leave. Now. You don't have a hope of alimony nor do you need it. Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, confront him and ask him to leave. See your Dr. asap and a lawyer as well.

And yeah, I know it is a 'snowstorm' out, but who cares. You do not leave your house. He leaves.

Move on. Do not waste any more time with the loser.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Fenix said:


> You guys are nuts. *shaking head* Neverknew, seriously, just get the job done now. You have been married 2 years. You have a good job. You don't have a ton of assets with the jerk. Call it a day and move on. He is cheating and disrespecting you. Confront him now and ask him to leave. Now. You don't have a hope of alimony nor do you need it. Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, confront him and ask him to leave. See your Dr. asap and a lawyer as well.
> 
> And yeah, I know it is a 'snowstorm' out, but who cares. You do not leave your house. He leaves.
> 
> Move on. Do not waste any more time with the loser.


Well, I think it's nuts to push on a suggested course of action that she didn't ask for. She asked for help on how to deal with what she wants to do, and we provide that. While I agree with your line of thought personally, you, nor anyone else on this board, has a say in how she lives her life and deals with something like this.

We're here to help with what she wants to do, not dictate what she _should_ do. That's her choice alone.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Fenix said:


> You guys are nuts. *shaking head*
> 
> Move on.


You'll do well here.

/sarcasm off


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I do have a great job, make 3 times as much as he does and can have a very happy life. No doubt about that. I just feel awful and love him very much.

I want to confront him so bad right now. It's killing me.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Guys I want to confront so bad. 

My brother came to visit yesterday for a one nighter traveling through town. I would like to say that my brother sent me a pic of the family and my mom that he merged together on a photo and I accidently deleted. When I tried to go on-line to retrieve text message from Sprint all the messages came down from both of our phones. 

You think that would fly? The plan-confront, calmly, expose when I'm able to do the "big" bang. Bad weather now, so I can't do foot work. Ask him to leave when he's able or is that too passive.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Okay ladies and gents... I confronted.

I was firm, just a little crock a dial tear and went in. I had all the emails sent to my work email. I'm a Sr. Technical Analyst and he's a novice at the computer. Told him that I was looking for an pic of my deceased mother than I accidently deleted, because my brother wanted it.

Viola!~ confronted him. showed him the texts on my work phone and messages from others too that I forward. Told him that all the message got downloaded.

GASLIGHTING BEGAN...

1. Oh my lawd
2. she's a friend
3. she was a friend that made me realize I wanted to be with you
4. Please on my mothers grave
5. I will call her right now.
6. I was just telling a friend how the devil comes between relationships
7. I told a friend that we had history 
8. I don't like her
9. Then when I didn't cave and was really strong, he calls her and put her on speaker. She said hello and he said we can't talk anymore, my wife think we sleeping together and I'm sorry but this is over.
10. Still I stayed firm - gaslighting like crazy
11. Then when I didn't bite, he said I invited my ex to the house 4 years ago and he was angry. I really laughed to myself.
12.HE's cry, looking pityful and saying what a wonderful life he has.

Guys, I swear if I haven't read this forum for so damn long, I wouldn't know how bad a liar tries to cover their tracks. What a F'n liar and it's horrible.

He said "it was nothing", "I wish you would have waited for me to respond to her texts in a few days". "I would have told her it was nothing" and "the devil is busy". LAWD I heard it all. 

I got a little loud, but I was great. He offered me to talk to her. I said "This is our marriage", not hers. I don't want to talk to her. 

Told him if it wasn't snow soooo bad, I would ask him to leave and I'm still going to ask him to leave. F'that! I'm the breadwinner, I'm the glue and he's a sidebar. Told him this marriage is 2 years old, Who does that! I defend my marriage when he's not looking and he should do the same. I'm smoking cigs like a fish and had 2 beers. I don't even drink beers. 

Well guys next step........ he leaves and I contemplate divorce. He was lying thru out. Praying, hands together and on his knees. CRAZY! He would have never told me. He totally took the story hook line and sinker how I found out. CRAZY!

I'm surprisingly ok! I have decisions to make.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Operation 180..... not doing a damn thing. No cleaning, cooking, sex, std test, no nothing. No lawyer needed. I'm angry and being strong at the same time. No damn begging no nothing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Damn sorry I am late. Noone told me of this thread. How the hell did I miss it?

Anyway. Intel gathering 101. Invert the sexes. Mostly iget betrayed men. 26 cheating wives and 1 husband hate me. They just dont know it.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Its going underground. Your road is uphill. People will vouch (hopefully). I've done amazing scary sh!t for the betrayed here. I can help IF you want it. If not. I am hard as hell to offend.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Its going underground. Your road is uphill. People will vouch (hopefully). I've done amazing scary sh!t for the betrayed here. I can help IF you want it. If not. I am hard as hell to offend.


I would never deny help. I'm still ordering the VAR and he's gotta leave. 

My head hurts and I'm not crying or begging.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sony right? Get 2.

BTW sorry you are here. I know it hurts. Im not the most touchy feely guy. Im the head of intel here.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You are so lucky to have these people guiding you along the way. I would have killed to have even known a fraction of what you know now. I did everything wrong, and am still feeling the effects from those wrong decsions. 

Question for you? What brought you to TAM 2 years ago? To learn about marriage? I never even knew this forum existed until I needed it as many of my happy married friends dont either. 

I'm really really sorry you are here. As you know from reading, this road is hell. 

~sammy


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> That site is very informative.


If you're religious, the MB methods are okay. I would avoid the forums, however. 

Better though, would be 2 make HIM work 2 save your marriage. If he is willing 2 do whatever you need, that's good. If he's not, there's no reason wasting any of your time with him.

In any case, whatever you decide you want 2 do, the next course of action is most important. Take a hard line with him. If he's made of the Right Stuff, he'll do what's needed 2 save the marriage. If he isn't, you're better off without him.

-ol' 2long


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> You are so lucky to have these people guiding you along the way. I would have killed to have even known a fraction of what you know now. I did everything wrong, and am still feeling the effects from those wrong decsions.
> 
> Question for you? What brought you to TAM 2 years ago? To learn about marriage? I never even knew this forum existed until I needed it as many of my happy married friends dont either.
> 
> ...


Yes, I stumbled on this site 2 years ago and kept reading. Just thought it was so interesting and wondered how I would respond in this situation and here I go!


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

2long said:


> If you're religious, the MB methods are okay. I would avoid the forums, however.
> 
> Better though, would be 2 make HIM work 2 save your marriage. If he is willing 2 do whatever you need, that's good. If he's not, there's no reason wasting any of your time with him.
> 
> ...


I hear you! THat's exactly what I'm doing.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

be proud of your bahaviour, you are not a doormat (I am proud of you and I don't know you), I guess scientists will find one day the cheater gene where they have implanted how to react once they are caught.

anyway, I am sure that part of you want to believe him because you love him (pretty normal), if you really want to take a long shot and make him reveal the true, I advice you the following

the more easy way to find the truth is with a polygraph test, most of the times the truth is revealed before the test, cheaters almost always crack and confess while going where the test is going to be executed.

before actually arranging the test, you can throw a bluff and tell him that you already have appointed a polygraph test, ask him if he had something to confess because once the test have been taken you will not give second chances.

If he confess something like:

- Well, we just kissed.
- Well, we just fooled around.
- Well, we just had oral.
- Well, it was just once.

then tell him, "okey I will still keep on the appointment but now I will ask if it was really just: "a meeting, a kiss, one oral, one time"

and keep doing it until he confess the whole truth.

remember, cheaters will normally confess first the less damaging of their actions, and in much less quantity than the real amount

if he refuses the polygraph for any reason then you have your answer and you don't need to know more.

of course if you already choosed divorce then this is irrelevant


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Poly is so expensive, but that can be an option for sure. Right now, ONE day at a time. I'm not gonna even share with you all the damn empty sorrows I got. He's only sorry he got caught. Not one time did he defend our marriage to her. I'm only paying attention to the words he said to her. I'm not listen to his empty words of love and sorries. Told him to stay in the basement and I locked my bedroom door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Next the VAR. I'VE ALREADY ORDERED IT. it's coming to my job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

question

he said she was just a friend and even play the role of indigned and concerned husband and phone her to end their "friendship", but how he justified the messages where he was profesing his love?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I came back to TAM a day or two ago with the intention of posting an update on my Reconciliation, and as I tend to do, I started reading lots of threads again. This one jumped out at me, and I wanted to chime in.

As many others have already said, I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation, it is incredibly painful and difficult to deal with infidelity. You have already been given some very good practical advice that will benefit you in your recovery. I wanted to add a few things and just be supportive, since you mentioned you are on the east coast, and it's well passed three AM there, I can only assume you cant sleep right now.

You are in the very early stages of major trauma, and it may be some time yet before you feel the full impact of what is going on. It is perfectly normal for your thoughts and emotions to be all over the place for the next few months. I believe it is crucial for you to seek out a good individual counselor, preferably with a background in infidelity and marriage support, as soon as you are able. If you can make some phone calls in the morning, do so, and make a few appointments with a few different counselors. It sometimes takes a while to find a good one and you may not like the first few you visit.

I found it tremendously helpful to bounce the advice, all the advice, I was getting here and elsewhere off of my counselor. She helped me stay grounded and collected, and helped me figure out what advice was right for me and what advice I needed to dismiss.

Next, see your primary care physician, or if you can, see a psychiatrist and ask about medication that can help you through the next six months. I found sertraline(Zoloft) to be a major help in keeping me stable during the first few months after my wife confessed her A. In addition to being a very well known and safe anti-depressant, that particular medication helps with decision making, and allows a person to let go of or "not sweat" the small stuff. Nothing is worse than listening to the small nagging voice in your head day in and day out, not only is it draining, it hampers self esteem rebuilding.

I personally feel you jumped the gun with confronting your DS, as it is now very unlikely that you will be able to get the full truth from him. I still highly recommend you follow through on your plans and the advice given by weightlifter, as you will need tools to help you in the reconciliation process and the best tool to have at your disposal is an iron clad way to verify that you are getting the full truth, that is very difficult to do if the DS takes this underground. VAR, GPS, Keyloggers, cellphone monitoring tools, as well as keeping track of every penny being spent by him, are all essential tools for the task of verifying what is being said to you by the DS. He cant buy a prepaid phone if you know how much money he is supposed to have at all times.

As you most probably know by know, when a person is in the affair fog, they are compartmentalizing to an incredible degree. In most cases, a person deep in the affair fog will behave in ways consistent with people in the midst of major addiction. Nothing he says to you should be assumed to be the truth, and only his actions should dictate to you what is actually going on. As with addicts, a person in the affair fog will say and do most anything to continue the addiction/affair. You got a taste of that when you confronted. He may not even be aware of doing it to you, and may even believe himself when he tells you he loves you. Affairs dont make rational sense, so people having them tend not to make any rational sense either. Basically, ignore what he says, pay attention to what he does.

Now, last bit I promise  You said you love him, and want things to work out. You've already been told that sometimes the only way to save a marriage is to be willing to walk away from it. As counter intuitive as that might sound, it is actually the most relevant advice you can take away from this forum.

Reconciliation is hard work, and in most cases, is harder than divorce. True reconciliation requires both parties to be 100% committed to the process. There is no way for him to be 100% committed to reconciliation while he is in the affair fog. 

You have to ask yourself, and my counselor hounded me for weeks on this topic, is it really worth the effort? Is what you had with this man enough for you to go through this entire process? I know it can sound dismissive when members of this forum tell you to dump him and move on, but that is an option you need to seriously consider, especially if he fails to do the heavy lifting that is now required of him.

Take care of yourself, and please keep us posted on how things progress.

-P


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

manticore said:


> question
> 
> he said she was just a friend and even play the role of indigned and concerned husband and phone her to end their "friendship", but how he justified the messages where he was profesing his love?


He said he loves her as a friend. Like l have love for her. Said he meet her before me and she had great conversation. She gave him insight about being happy in life before me. Said he was flattered and knew that it was bad but he enjoyed the attention. Said he never slept with her and said no where in the text sis he say he was going to visit her. He knows her family. I think it's BS. I said not one time did you mention your love for your wife. Also why did she say she's giving you 100% of herself and all she needs is 60% Of you. He couldn't answer that, but he didnt reply to her message on that issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My opinion is that you should have waited for more hard evidence...such as seeing what excuse he would have given to go over to this girl's house at the end of the month...THAT would have really defined his intentions...and you coulda got a PI to stake events AFTER the party...but now it is going to go underground and he is going to be a master at hiding his tracks...and your whole counseling sessions will be about him saying why he shouldn't be there cos "I didn't do anything!" Oh well....

You can still VAR...as there may be some interesting conversations as he may try to "patch" things up with OW. And you can def do the 180 in full force...get those boundaries set up fiercely and then we'll see how he reacts.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

What you are experiencing from him right now is called gaslighting. Do some research on it. He will trickle truth you to the point of insanity if you allow it.


http://ezinearticles.com/?After-the...3-Most-Common-Tactics-Cheaters-Use&id=6532239

He is without a doubt in an EA or PA. How does that make you feel? Is this other woman married? If so expose her to her husband.

Having gone through this here is what I would say... Clearly he is not remorseful at this point. You are the only one who cares about this marriage. You have no kids - get out and dont look back.

1. Go NO CONTACT and 180 his cheating azz.
2. File Divorce - immediately. Say nothing to him in advance. Have him served. 
3. Ignore everything he says and watch what he does instead.
4. Do not take him back when he seems to change his mind, which is highly likely
5. Think about what it would take for you to even consider R at this point.
6. Focus on yourself with IC. If he doesnt do the same and put in the work, he doesnt care. You can always pull the D filing or remarry him. But if you do it must be on your terms and he must be accountable. Anything less than 100% honesty and I promise you will find yourself in the exact same position except only worse in the near future with this POS.

Read more posts on TAM. All the answers you need are here. 

Best of luck to you. It won't be easy but you can do it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

NeverKnew said:


> Thinking about getting a VAR?


Do it. Weightlifter can tell you exactly which one to get. PM him. He is the resident expert on tech surveilance. Don't confront yet unless you are ready to kick him out right now because he will make it all sound so innocent and in the end have you thinking you are crazy IMO.

Damn! wrote this before I made it all the way through the thread. Oh well. So you already confronted. Do as much backwards intel as you can before it all gets wiped clean. If you have already ordered a VAR see if you can cancel the order if its not the one weightlifter ways to get. He has extensive experience with them and some of them really suck. He knows which ones to use. If I remember right not only do the others suck but some of them will start beeping when the battery is low Obviously this will expose your method of gathering intel. I would have given my left arm to have had him around with his knowledge a couple of decades ago.

Good luck


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Fenix said:


> You guys are nuts. *shaking head* Neverknew, seriously, just get the job done now. You have been married 2 years. You have a good job. You don't have a ton of assets with the jerk. Call it a day and move on. He is cheating and disrespecting you. Confront him now and ask him to leave. Now. You don't have a hope of alimony nor do you need it. Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, confront him and ask him to leave. See your Dr. asap and a lawyer as well.
> 
> And yeah, I know it is a 'snowstorm' out, but who cares. You do not leave your house. He leaves.
> 
> Move on. Do not waste any more time with the loser.


:iagree:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> He said he loves her as a friend. Like l have love for her. Said he meet her before me and she had great conversation. She gave him insight about being happy in life before me. Said he was flattered and knew that it was bad but he enjoyed the attention. Said he never slept with her and said no where in the text sis he say he was going to visit her. He knows her family. I think it's BS. I said not one time did you mention your love for your wife. Also why did she say she's giving you 100% of herself and all she needs is 60% Of you. He couldn't answer that, but he didnt reply to her message on that issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


::scratchhead:


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

The texts alone would give me pause to continue. It's not much to lay claim of PA, but you could decipher it to suit your needs. Me personally my wife, woman, life partner, whatever, I should be the only person you say those things to. No one else... IMHO.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Neverknew, you did well.

What he has done is not the point in moving forward. You do not need the whole truth. Why would you need it? The only point to it would be for a fault divorce proceedings and subsequent alimony. What is important is you and getting to a better place...healing. 

Do you feel like you have enough? Is it clear in your mind? Then, forget about the rest.

You have no kids with the LCB. You are young (I am assuming) and have a whole lotta living in front of you. Focus on you. Surround yourself with positive energy and people.

Eventually, you will thank the FSB that he revealed just what he was. Be happy it didn't take 25 years*. 


*yeah...at this point, that may be a bit too much to wish for.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

3putt said:


> Well, I think it's nuts to push on a suggested course of action that she didn't ask for. She asked for help on how to deal with what she wants to do, and we provide that. While I agree with your line of thought personally, you, nor anyone else on this board, has a say in how she lives her life and deals with something like this.
> 
> We're here to help with what she wants to do, not dictate what she _should_ do. That's her choice alone.


Yeah, you have a point here as far as her initial post went. I was responding to the calls for vengeance and actions that would be more appropriate for a long term marriage where there were assets/fault divorce/custody etc issues involved.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Next is the him getting mad and blaming you. You will be controlling, paranoid, crazy, possessive, he will suggest you get mental help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Please go see an attorney when you can. This storm was brutal and though I am considered essential personel (I had to come into work today), many offices will be closed. Don't mention the attorney to your WH. Just get some advice.
2. Poly. I would not recommend it. 
3. VAR. yes, I suspect he will be talking to the OW. I would get two. One for his car and one for the house.
4. STD testing. 
5. Legally you can't kick him out. You can ask him to leave. If you are undecided as to R or D, then I would not recommend a separation. 
6. Don't be hasty on any decision. He will more then likely push you to say things to show how sorry he is. Right now he has been caught. It will be hard to determine if he is remorsefull at this stage. 
7. 180.
8. NC. I would have him send a letter to her and suggest you read it before he sends it. NC means NC.
9. I would not rule out that it went PA. 
10. Expose it.
11. When you talk tell him, no lies. None. 

What did you mean by his family wants this M to fall apart?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

mablenc said:


> Next is the him getting mad and blaming you. You will be controlling, paranoid, crazy, possessive, he will suggest you get mental help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine did the same for about 1/2 hour when I had the recording of her having sex. She told me I was nuts and she wanted to have me committed. She said it was just music. Go figure.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> He said he loves her as a friend. Like l have love for her. Said he meet her before me and she had great conversation. She gave him insight about being happy in life before me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So why didn't he marry her, then?


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

2long said:


> So why didn't he marry her, then?


AMEN to that. I asked him that. He said "He never saw her in that way". Met on the bus, yada yada. There was an attraction because of how they met. Riding the same train to work. She didn't work with him, but they worked near each other at the time. He doesn't work at the same place.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Ok, Guys! I'm back. I think I slept for maybe 3 hours. I'm working from home today and can't really do much calling around with this liar lurking in the basement. 

1. Well he admitted to planning to meet up with her. (I dont belive that). I think he met up with her. 
2. He showed me the entire text chain. (all the endearing words and her pic). Words of truly love you, good morning darling, can I see you today, etc. His purpose of showing me the text was that he only start texting her in the last four days. The text messages I saw in July were still there. Nothing serious in July, so I didn't confront him then. 
3. Of course, he states he has the best life in the world and he's so sorry. Come to think of it, Monday he calls my job (must have been out of guilt). Tells me he has the best relationship in the world and I truly love you. I know for sure 100% this is all I ever want. I remember that was odd (middle of the day and he called me several times) to get that point accorss. This was the two days after the text messages. Although after telling me that, he text her Tuesday morning to say hello sweetness (lying sack of ****)
4) He admitted that it was a ego boost. He said it was exciting to be nice to a women and she responds that way. (dumb to me)
5) He offered up counseling and he would do anything to keep this marriage. He knows it's a growing process and a test from GOD. I told him he failed miserably.
6) He rejected a poly graph at first, but when I told him that's the only thing that he could do to keep this marriage he agreed. (Probably just talking SH^& until the day comes. )
7)Told his friends about this girl popping back up and how he has to end this and wanted me to talk to his friends and the girl. I said NO, this is our marriage.

What I do know is he's a liar and a cheat. PA/EA doesn't matter it's all the same to me. 

This is my 2nd marriage. The first I ended for $230. Went to the courts and filed the papers myself. The only difference is that we would have to divide property. 

I said some of his family would love it, because we really have accomplished so much since being together. We have a blended family that's great together, I'm a hard noise NYer that typically doesn't take much mess and he's removed from the dysfunction of his family. Everyone of his brothers and sister cheat. Even his cousins. I don't feel comfortable exposing to them, because what do they care. "JOIN THE CLUB MENTALITY".

It's too early to tell what I will do for the long term, but right now. Minimal contact (yes and no answers), 180 (no wifely duties), STARVE and clean your own damn mancave toilet. 

Counseling is defintely in the picture. I really want to make Mr. Ego find the counseling. Why should I do anything. 

Thanks guys for all the good advice. I'm listening to every word and I welcome it all. This has helped me stay focused when I confronted him. Keeping the conversation soley on his actions and words. It actually calmed him down. He tried to get angry, but it didn't work. He just cried. Real tears! I'm sure you can fake that too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

NeverKnew said:


> He said he loves her as a friend. Like l have love for her. Said he meet her before me and she had great conversation. She gave him insight about being happy in life before me. Said he was flattered and knew that it was bad but he enjoyed the attention. Said he never slept with her and said no where in the text sis he say he was going to visit her. He knows her family. I think it's BS. I said not one time did you mention your love for your wife. Also why did she say she's giving you 100% of herself and all she needs is 60% Of you. He couldn't answer that, but he didnt reply to her message on that issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What she is saying is that she know he is married but shes willing to share him with you. What it means is she is willing to share while she works on him to break up your marriage. 

Giving him 100% only means one thing.

Don't be fooled by about how much time a cheater needs to cheat. The go to work early, get there late, leave early, meet for lunch, go shopping, etc. Where there is a will there is a way.

Follow the 180 to the letter and only pay attention to his actions, nothing he says. A cheaters life depends on lies and they get really good at it.

He gave you her name right? Put her number in spokeo.com , yellow/white pages, google etc. You may also be able to track her through google with her picture, IDK.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Good luck, Neverknew. You may want to try counselling for yourself- alone. It can't hurt and may give you tools for moving forward, whether it is on your own or with him.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I would have been married 30 yrs this Jan, had h not had an affair in our 27 th yr. My marriage was easy and not a lot of work... :-(

What I can share w you, I too read txt's & emails that were so unreal to me of my h of so long, professing such love and dreams of future with another women. But, dont get into the hurtful trap within yourself & read them and argue w the words. The reality is now the new reality, his actions and behavior of him & what he chose to do. Those written words cant change what has already been done but only add more hurt to you. 

I also live w too much information that I asked for, it's hard to forget some of the thing I heard. 

R is not for sissy. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

~sammy


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You didnt order an RCA VAR did you? If so, do cancel. RDMU wasted over 100 dollars on three of them AND lost a week of intel.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Everyone in his family cheats but him......................doh


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Mine did the same for about 1/2 hour when I had the recording of her having sex. She told me I was nuts and she wanted to have me committed. She said it was just music. Go figure.


ROFLMAO. I think I have an idea for the next trend in music. Fvcking sounds!

This is WABC that song was "Big load" by Bill Cohmstien, next up is John Holmes and the orgasms.

Sorry for the hijack OP. This just hit me odd.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> What she is saying is that she know he is married but shes willing to share him with you. What it means is she is willing to share while she works on him to break up your marriage.
> 
> Giving him 100% only means one thing.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree!! Yes, he gave me her name. Thanks for that info.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> You didnt order an RCA VAR did you? If so, do cancel. RDMU wasted over 100 dollars on three of them AND lost a week of intel.


NO I ordered the SONY $60 bucks, but I'm sure it will be well worth it.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Everyone in his family cheats but him......................doh



You got that right! When I mentioned that, he said "trust me, this is a growth wake up call". It was stupid and I'm sorry. LAWD, if I had a dollar for every sorry. I'm actually more mad at his sorry a$$ excuses and sorries. It's pathetic.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Well this is certainly the time to "get myself together". I need to work out, lose weight, take a programming class and stay away from vodka/cranberry juice. ALL FOR ME!

I gave all to this man! He was my priority and he's turning me into an option. WTH

Now that I'm thinking straight I can tell his older brother and his sister(mom). The know what kind of life he has and is very happy for us. I'll expose to them. I can't worry about "what one might think". His a$$ needs to be embarrassed.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> I would have been married 30 yrs this Jan, had h not had an affair in our 27 th yr. My marriage was easy and not a lot of work... :-(
> 
> What I can share w you, I too read txt's & emails that were so unreal to me of my h of so long, professing such love and dreams of future with another women. But, dont get into the hurtful trap within yourself & read them and argue w the words. The reality is now the new reality, his actions and behavior of him & what he chose to do. Those written words cant change what has already been done but only add more hurt to you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. I couldn't agree more. Sorry you had to take the long walk to R. Not sure if that's my path quite yet.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Good luck, Neverknew. You may want to try counselling for yourself- alone. It can't hurt and may give you tools for moving forward, whether it is on your own or with him.


Yes, I need counselling on so many levels. I consider myself a sexual abuse survivor as a child by a family member and in some regards this is pulling every bad memory to the surface. I've always been the fixer. Always taken broken pieces of people and relationships and fixing it to make it look great.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He is showing no remorse. Don't go to MC with him unless and until he goes NC with the OW. Don't go to MC if you are planning on D, unless you go to a MC that specializes in D and only if you need that kind of help.

180. Keep it up.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> He is showing no remorse. Don't go to MC with him unless and until he goes NC with the OW. Don't go to MC if you are planning on D, unless you go to a MC that specializes in D and only if you need that kind of help.
> 
> 180. Keep it up.


He did call her on speaker and explained that he couldn't talk or text anymore that his wife knew that they were texting inappropriately. Then he said to her "sorry". NO REMORSE is right. He's sorry he got caught.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> He did call her on speaker and explained that he couldn't talk or text anymore that his wife knew that they were texting inappropriately. Then he said to her "sorry". NO REMORSE is right. He's sorry he got caught.


That means nothing. All he has to do is call her back when he goes to the store and say he had to do it to get you off his back. Its BS. You need something WAY more concrete. Doesn't sound like you are buying it though, which is good.

Sorry this is happening to you.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> That means nothing. All he has to do is call her back when he goes to the store and say he had to do it to get you off his back. Its BS. You need something WAY more concrete. Doesn't sound like you are buying it though, which is good.
> 
> Sorry this is happening to you.


No I'm not buying it. That really meant "don't text or call for awhile, the wife is upset and saw your messages, I'll get back to you". That's what it meant. BS


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I want to cut his phone service off. That's probably not good! Such an angry move. Fleeting thought!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Don't be fooled by about how much time a cheater needs to cheat. The go to work early, get there late, leave early, meet for lunch, go shopping, etc. Where there is a will there is a way.


:iagree:

There's also the cheaters who take time off of work (vacation, sick hours) and actually pretend to go to work, when instead, they spend the day with their AP. I've seen this in real life. So unless you have your WS paystub and can account for all their vacation days/sick days, you really don't know.

Example:

"Aren't you supposed to have 15 vacation days? How come it shows here that you only have 11?"

or 

"When did you call in sick?, it shows here that you used up some sick days when I clearly remember you haven't missed a day of work last month?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, this guy might be the dumbest cheater ever we have seen on TAM. Because he used your phone to cheat. 

WTF? 



NeverKnew said:


> Also she just send him her address a few days ago. *He said I love you,* she said I want 60% of you and I'll give you 100% of me. He did go by her house and said I can only have a beer and I'm out.






NeverKnew said:


> He did call her on speaker and explained that he couldn't talk or text anymore that his wife knew that they were texting inappropriately. Then he said to her "sorry". NO REMORSE is right. He's sorry he got caught.


What did she say?

Good for you for confronting.

If you noticed them texting last year, my bet is that this is most definitely a long on-going emotional affair. Especially if he is telling her he loves her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

NeverKnew said:


> I want to cut his phone service off. That's probably not good! Such an angry move. Fleeting thought!


I cut my wife's phone off. Legally it was in my name and the attorney gave me that advice. When She complained I told her to use her burner phone, which she denied having.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Its going underground. Your road is uphill. People will vouch (hopefully). I've done amazing scary sh!t for the betrayed here. I can help IF you want it. If not. I am hard as hell to offend.


You're the shiz, WL!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Try and take a few minutes today to find an IC and make an appointment. Also call your MD and get checked for STD's.

I would not trust him as far as not having a PA, I would most likely bet on it. Do the exposure as fast as you can and do not let him know that you are going down that path.

As far as the Vodka, I self medicated for months. Do not go down that road. See your doctor and just them everything. Do not hold back.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dont cut off his phone unless he is using a burner.

Never cut your intel sources.

And thanks Healer.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> NO I ordered the SONY $60 bucks, but I'm sure it will be well worth it.


If at all possible have a good friend listen first. I have said this before, you can not unhear what you have heard. I wish I would have.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

weightlifter said:


> Dont cut off his phone unless he is using a burner.
> 
> Never cut your intel sources.
> 
> And thanks Healer.


Your phucked if you don't expose this affair!

As long as this secret is between you your old man and the ow the affair will grow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please start asking for support from your old mans family and find the ow women'
s family and ask for their support for your marriage.

Get it? Your not ding vandictive but asking others to support your marriage thru this infidelity.

If you want to know what your old man is made of he will face this exposure head on and own his infidelity and do the heavy lifting to save the M.

I bet he uses exposure as an excuse to dump you...."I would have stayed married but since you exposed I leaving"...see this is the kind of sh!t you want to find out now.

Avoid a fake R and push your old man......can he do the heavy lifting by excepting exposure?

Girl as long as he. An convince you to keep his little secret... Well bad behavior continues with out concequences!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Posting from moble sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By NeverKnew*
> *Yes, I need counseling on so many levels*. I consider myself a sexual abuse survivor as a child by a family member and in some regards this is pulling every bad memory to the surface.
> 
> 
> He did call her on speaker and explained that he couldn't talk or text anymore that his wife knew that they were texting inappropriately. Then he said to her "sorry". *NO REMORSE is right. He's sorry he got caught.*



*You need to be real sure of your conclusion because without remorse and actions to prove it there is no chance of you reconciling.* You have made it clear that you wnat to save the marriage.


He has done a few things that show that he maybe in the early stages of remorse but you are going to have to decide that hopefully after lots of counseling. I am glad that you are going to counseling because you are in no emotional position to make an accurate assessment of your situation right now. I am not talking about your assessment that he has cheated at least with an EA; that is clear as you have SOLID proof. It is very easy to tell you that he is not remorseful and get you to believe that right now as you are in emotional overload over his betrayal and doubting everything in him. 


Another very good reason that you need counseling is that you want to save the marriage but are convinced that he is not remorseful and cannot wait to get back to the OW. *If both are true then you are screwed in saving the marriage.*

At this time I do not think that you are capable to know for sure if he is not remorseful and wants to get back to the OW. If I am wrong and if you do know for sure and are convinced that he will go back to her then your marriage will wind up in divorce.

*I have seen worse situations than yours and they have saved the marriage but it takes BOTH spouses making R number one, going through pain and doing the heavy lifting.*

If you do not want to save the marriage then you are in a lot better shape than most. You have been strong in your conformation, you do not depend on him for your financial support nor have any children by him. Divorce always hurts but it seems that your divorce, if it happens, will not be as painful as some.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Hello everyone,

I'm at work and surprising feeling ok. I picked up some sleeping pills and anti-depression medication from my doctor this morning. I will be making an appointment for the counselor today. 

Exposure - Well, I told 4 of his friends and surprisingly they were really sympathetic. I told each one as the entered my home. My husband had the day off and had friends over. Two of them said "D loves you" and he just had a conversation with us about this women and how he has everything he wants and don't want to lose you. That was 1 day after the love you texts. There was one friend that he really respects that married for 17 years that my husband cried in front of after I told that friend. It was pretty dramatic. 

I slept in the bedroom and told him to sleep in the basement or spare room. Of course, he said he would do anything I ask. I can take his phone, he will erase all numbers, no contact, church, counseling,etc. Whatever I wanted. He cryied and begged, blah blah blah! Wanted to hold me, but I said please not now. He said you are all I want. That didn't phase me. I didn't give in. I said I don't know yet. I need space and I put too much into this relationship to be treated like this. Told him that I'm no fool and I still believe you're lying so until the truth comes out it won't be easy to heal. He understood and said he was going to pray that things get better. 

I didn't beg, ask any more questions, etc. He insist on me talking to the girl but I declined. I'm not going to give her the time of day to discuss me and his marriage. 

Like I thought, when I text his sister and brother to tell them, they didn't respond. I wish I could have taken that back. Oh well!

STD test tomorrow. VAR coming tomorrow. 

He works Sunday so I'll make sure I place the VAR before Sunday. He works 1.5 hours away, so that should be good time to get some info. I told him NO contact with her and I want to know if she calls. I'm going to check phone records to see if she calls him. I didn't tell him I was going to do that. VAR will catch anything oustide of his phone. 

He doesn't control any of the money, so he doesn't spend over the amount I budget for him. I do all the financial stuff.

He didn't use my phone to cheat. He has his own phone, but I told him that I accidentally deleted an important picture of my mothers and figured out a way to retrieve deleted text and pics and once I did that all the text and pics was downloaded. We are on a family plan, so he brought the story.

OW exposure plan - printing out the text messages today and her pic and take it to the address that I found. I think it's her mothers house or sister. All the better. I'm not sure what to say, but I think there's a template on this site. 

Oh, I asked for her name again and he said "what are you planning on doing". I told him you don't have the right to ask that. I did say, if you contact her again it will get ugly. He said that I could do whatever I wanted. 

I'm going to expose to her family. If it continues, I will go to her employer. It might not make a difference, but it will be damn embarrassing.

I think that's it. Like most of you said I don't know if it was a PA, but I won't rule it out and an EA is the same. So, I'm treating them the same.

Thanks for all of your help. This site is really keeping me on point and focused


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

post her on cheaterville.com

I want the link. I have a collection of screenies. No I am not going to call her.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If he won't give you her name, try entering her phone number in Name From Phone :: Home and see if it pops up. There is no cost on that site and I found it very helpful for me when I was investigating.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i love that you're not taking his BS. 
keep it up and you'll have all the answers you want soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> If he won't give you her name, try entering her phone number in Name From Phone :: Home and see if it pops up. There is no cost on that site and I found it very helpful for me when I was investigating.


He gave me the name. No hesitation.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

cool12 said:


> i love that you're not taking his BS.
> keep it up and you'll have all the answers you want soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! It's not easy, but you guys are making it much much better. I took a sleeping pill last night, hot shower and didn't worry about cooking dinner, washing the dishes or NOTHING. 

He will be eating hot dogs today and figuring out what he will take to lunch. I'm not doing a thing!


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

If he wont give you the name you have serious prob. And if he does you cant believe it.

sounds like a false R to me. You need to turn up the pressure on him and lay down serious boundaries and rules. And not back down. Get the D filed.

if you even want to save your marriage this is the only way.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

cbnero said:


> If he wont give you the name you have serious prob. And if he does you cant believe it.
> 
> sounds like a false R to me. You need to turn up the pressure on him and lay down serious boundaries and rules. And not back down. Get the D filed.
> 
> ...


He gave me the name without hestitation. He also told me where she works and I have her mothers address. I called her place of employment a few minutes ago. She was there! YIKES!

Not ready to file papers. VAR is my next step.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Impressive.
Ready Aim Fire
or 
Plan it, stage it, execute it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

When you talk with her try and ask open ended questions nothing that can be answered just yes or no.

My thoughts go with you about the STD test, that was a real low point for me and at that point I had not told anyone about the A and I had really no one to confide in.

Keep up the pressure, it is good for you.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Impressive.
> Ready Aim Fire
> or
> Plan it, stage it, execute it.


Thank you sooo much for your help. I'm still queezy inside because the VAR will be key. It will be the go or no go for the Divorce or Reconcile. I'm really scared about that.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

mahike said:


> When you talk with her try and ask open ended questions nothing that can be answered just yes or no.
> 
> My thoughts go with you about the STD test, that was a real low point for me and at that point I had not told anyone about the A and I had really no one to confide in.
> 
> Keep up the pressure, it is good for you.


I'm not talking to her. NOT giving her a bit of my energy or attention. She's not the problem. HE IS!!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes he is the problem, I agree but make sure you expose her to her family. I did confront and question the POS OM but it was someone I new from HS.

There stories were somewhat the same but my wife told him at first that we were separated, I then confronted her about that and more came out.

I am not sure how much you really want to know. Details can hurt.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

mahike said:


> Yes he is the problem, I agree but make sure you expose her to her family. I did confront and question the POS OM but it was someone I new from HS.
> 
> There stories were somewhat the same but my wife told him at first that we were separated, I then confronted her about that and more came out.
> 
> I am not sure how much you really want to know. Details can hurt.


I'm going to expose to her family. That's it. I think the VAR will make everything clearer. I don't care about the details to that extent. They are liars. I don't have time for that.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> cbnero said:
> 
> 
> > If he wont give you the name you have serious prob. And if he does you cant believe it.
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he is like ~100% of the cases that we read about, he is still lying. He also has other accounts, perhaps a burner phone. 'She just popped up again in his life..." Yeah, right. How did the 'popping' happen exactly? When and where did they see each other in order to get and keep this thing going?

Make him do a polygraph. Tell him that is the only way you will consider staying together. Don't tell him when or where. Then make the appointment and watch his internet search history for how to beat a polygraph...

You sound like a no-nonsense woman & the last thing you want is to agree to R only to find out the real truth/catch him again.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

NeverKnew said:


> I'm going to expose to her family. That's it. I think the VAR will make everything clearer. I don't care about the details to that extent. They are liars. I don't have time for that.


If you have someone you are close to have them listen to the VAR before you do. There can be things said you may not want to hear. Good luck


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> If he is like ~100% of the cases that we read about, he is still lying. He also has other accounts, perhaps a burner phone. 'She just popped up again in his life..." Yeah, right. How did the 'popping' happen exactly? When and where did they see each other in order to get and keep this thing going?
> 
> Make him do a polygraph. Tell him that is the only way you will consider staying together. Don't tell him when or where. Then make the appointment and watch his internet search history for how to beat a polygraph...
> 
> You sound like a no-nonsense woman & the last thing you want is to agree to R only to find out the real truth/catch him again.


I can tell by the texts that they had casual conversation maybe once or twice a month. Hello, happy holiday, that sort of thing. Over the course of 4 days the text got hot and suggestive. Unless he deleted some. I saw text from July and August then non until a week ago. 

He saw her again at a club when he was out for boys night. He does that about once every 2-3 months. That's what he told me.

He's willing to take a poly, but I looked at the cost $750. Way to expensive for his lying a$$. 

I'm counting on the VAR to give me a clear picture. He's in the car for 3 hours - 3x a week.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

mahike said:


> If you have someone you are close to have them listen to the VAR before you do. There can be things said you may not want to hear. Good luck


I know this will be the worse experience I would have to go thru if he fails this test. I don't have a trusting someone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please be aware that the threat of a poly is often enough to force the truth. The famed 'parking lot confession' happens quite often. WS's will agree to polys, thinking that the agreement will go a long way toward reassuring the BS. It very often does, but it is just as often a bluff. If you call their bluff, out comes the truth when it looks like the poly is imminent.

The VAR is, I think, the quickest way to get info. His long rides give him lots of opportunity to talk to her and friends who might be clued in. He also has time to meet her somewhere along the way on these commutes.

You have several options, OP, for finding out what you need to know. Again, you don't at all sound like the type to rugsweep, so I wish you the best of luck in your investigations.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Ohhh I can get family locator too. Are any of you familiar with this technology. I have a sprint phone.

Should I tell him I'm putting that on his phone?


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I also blocked her phone number from his phone. Incoming/outgoing data and voice. I wish I would have thought of this 2 days ago.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you can do it without telling him, that would be the best approach. If he knows how you are checking on him, he knows what to do to go underground. Also, don't underestimate the 'collaborative' nature of affairs. They conspire and coach one another on how best to deceive. She is no doubt happy to encourage him to go further into stealth mode. It's part of the 60% that she's happy to have.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> If you can do it without telling him, that would be the best approach. If he knows how you are checking on him, he knows what to do to go underground. Also, don't underestimate the 'collaborative' nature of affairs. They conspire and coach one another on how best to deceive. She is no doubt happy to encourage him to go further into stealth mode. It's part of the 60% that she's happy to have.


Yes.. I completely understand. I can't do it without telling him. Sprint sends a text to the user that you are tracking. It's like a child tracking feature. OK... that's out. 

I did block her number from his phone. Incoming and outgoing data/voice.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> I also blocked her phone number from his phone. Incoming/outgoing data and voice. I wish I would have thought of this 2 days ago.


Keep an eye on phone records to see if she starts calling from a different phone (her house, her office, her mom's cell, etc.). If weird numbers start popping up, check them against the website I posted earlier.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> Yes.. I completely understand. I can't do it without telling him. Sprint sends a text to the user that you are tracking. It's like a child tracking feature. OK... that's out.
> 
> I did block her number from his phone. Incoming and outgoing data/voice.


That still won't stop them from communicating, if they want to. Skype, WhatsApp, Facebook... You can try putting roadblocks if you like and if it makes you feel better, but it might be more productive to focus on the things you can control. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> Keep an eye on phone records to see if she starts calling from a different phone (her house, her office, her mom's cell, etc.). If weird numbers start popping up, check them against the website I posted earlier.


10-4 

I already discovered how to pull the logs. This really sucks and its a lot of work. NO wonder some of you said "cut my loses".


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> That still won't stop them from communicating, if they want to. Skype, WhatsApp, Facebook... You can try putting roadblocks if you like and if it makes you feel better, but it might be more productive to focus on the things you can control.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you, but my husband is not computer savvy at all. I have his passwords to facebook, his voicemail and email. I set them up for him. He's a beer/video game/mancave kind of guy. He doesn't even know how to get into our computer or laptop. I usually have to log him in.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cheaters also get help from their affair partners or friends that have been down that path before. I'm on my phone so I won't check through this thread, but didn't you say he comes from a family of cheaters?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I just about fell out of my chair at the suggestion of asking your cheating husband to take a polygraph. .LOL!!! (with enthusiasm).
I'm sure thats the first thing a cheater will be happy to comply with.

At some point, you're gonna want to wash your hands of all this garbage. Snooping, checking up on them, trying to "prove" something that will not matter to him whatsoever anyways..

Start shoring up your finances, talk to a lawyer or friend who knows about your rights and obligations under divorce law in your state. 

One thing I could never shake throughout allllllllllll my anger, grief, surprise, and sense of upheaval, was this tiny voice (that actually had ME feeling ashamed) that was telling me to consider the opportunity of being FREEEEEE from it all.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> Cheaters also get help from their affair partners or friends that have been down that path before. I'm on my phone so I won't check through this thread, but didn't you say he comes from a family of cheaters?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Yes he does come from a family of cheaters, but I don't believe that's the case. 

Not to sterotype, but they are more into ghetto tactics. Not coming home at night, leaving for a few days, their wives don't have access to bank accounts, phones, etc. Using drugs, sneaking out at night. We live differently. The spouses of the cheaters set no boundaries and it's just a different vibe.

I'm aware they can get help, but I think it would come more from his friends then family. Him and his family don't walk in the same circle. They don't visit and my husband wants them to think we are the best thing smoking. So, if anyone, it would be his friends. 

I can easily say. I don't have an enemy in the friend bunch. They appear to be really geniune guys. I can call them if I have a spare tired or need a tool. We are like family that's why my husband cried in front of one of his best friends.

Not to say that it might be a bad seed in the bunch. I can't focus on that. I can only focus on what I can do to save my marriage. One day at a time. Things will be revealed. I can't drive myself crazy thinking of which family member, which friend, breaking codes, etc. 

My only next step is exposing her and the VAR. The phone blocking was another thing that was done and only took two minutes. I only can control what I can control.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I just about fell out of my chair at the suggestion of asking your cheating husband to take a polygraph. .LOL!!! (with enthusiasm).
> I'm sure thats the first thing a cheater will be happy to comply with.
> 
> At some point, you're gonna want to wash your hands of all this garbage. Snooping, checking up on them, trying to "prove" something that will not matter to him whatsoever anyways..
> ...


Reality at it's best... You are so right!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lots of people faced with cheating spouses set up polygraphs. Lots. It's sadly a thriving business.

As noted, often it is just the threat of one that acts like truth serum.

ETA: I know that you have ruled out this option. My comment is directed at people who may be reading this for their own benefit. It is observational.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> Ohhh I can get family locator too. Are any of you familiar with this technology. I have a sprint phone.
> 
> Should I tell him I'm putting that on his phone?


I'm responding now, in case someone else hasn't. Apologies if it's already been said:

Do NOT tell him about your snooping. You've already confronted, so he needs 2 be on good behavior. If he knows you're still monitoring him, he'll take it underground if he thinks he can. Like you said, if you catch him at another big lie you'll be done. Don't make it harder for yourself 2 get 2 the bottom of this.

-ol' 2long


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> I hear you, but my husband is not computer savvy at all. I have his passwords to facebook, his voicemail and email. I set them up for him. He's a beer/video game/mancave kind of guy. He doesn't even know how to get into our computer or laptop. I usually have to log him in.


This reminded me of another point I wanted 2 make... If you only saw racy texts in the last few days, that doesn't mean there weren't racy texts over the last several months. Up until about 2 years ago, I had access 2 one of my wife's email accounts. I watched messages periodically back and forth between her and Rat Meat (affair "ended" 12 years ago). She would have justified them by saying they were only professional contact, and since he lived 2 states away and the texts weren't relationship related, I just kept my mouth shut and kept watching periodically. Then, about 2 years ago I started seeing signs that she was giving him info about a job opening near us. He applied, got offered the job and then started dropping hints about getting 2gether for beers after he moved out. Suddenly, the offer was withdrawn and he never did move here. While this was going on, I watched daily. My W would delete any personal emails within hours of receiving them, but the "professional" stuff was left alone. I suspect she was just trying 2 hedge her bets in case I hacked in2 her account, but I never let on I knew about the contact. I was pretty close 2 calling my 38-year marriage over when the job offer was withdrawn, but I didn't because on HER end of the personal messages that I saw, she was clearly telling him that the A was not going 2 happen again, and OUR relationship had been doing pretty well for the couple years prior. I just really think my wife has a hard time cutting people out of her life.

I still wish I'd taken a hard line early on. One way or another, I would have had a much better chance at a happy life a lot sooner if I had, which is the primary reason I recommend a hard line 2 newbies just post d-day nowadays.

I gotta hand it 2 you. You're doing things exactly the right way right now!

-ol' 2long


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Please do not believe your husband is not tech savvy. 

People having affairs learn very quickly and gas light their spouses by playing dumb.

You may be surprised at what you find out your husband is capable of.

You may know everything but that is rarely the case.

A lie is a lie, is a lie. Does it really matter if it was one lie or a thousand? Trust has been broken and you will most likely never believe anything he ever tells you again. Cheating is a real trust killer.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

NeverKnew,
You seem to be getting enough posts that can get you riled up about how your husband is not really remorseful and they indicate divorce.

Of course there is no way at this early stage to know for sure if your husband is really remorseful and is very desperate to have you as his wife and be faithful. *However, with the information you have posted so far there is at least a little reason to believe that he maybe remorseful and serious about wanting to do everything that he can to convince you that he really wants a chance to make up as much as possible.*

The reason that I say the above is because of your words below:




> Quotes of NeverKnew
> 
> There was one friend that he really respects that married for 17 years that my husband cried in front of after I told that friend. It was pretty dramatic.
> Most men will not cry in front of another man without being totally devastated
> ...


I know that the above is no guarantee but the above sure is not what I have read about fakers that are not telling the truth. I think that monitoring and verifying for a long time, at least a year or two, is the best way to find out what is real and what is fake.


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Does everybody really thinks this story is true? I'm just asking because I'm not buying it sorry


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lucky me said:


> Does everybody really thinks this story is true? I'm just asking because I'm not buying it sorry


Then report the post and move on with your life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> Then report the post and move on with your life.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! I can't believe someone who suggest it's not true. LAWD, I wish it wasn't. so SAD!


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> NeverKnew,
> You seem to be getting enough posts that can get you riled up about how your husband is not really remorseful and they indicate divorce.
> 
> Of course there is no way at this early stage to know for sure if your husband is really remorseful and is very desperate to have you as his wife and be faithful. *However, with the information you have posted so far there is at least a little reason to believe that he maybe remorseful and serious about wanting to do everything that he can to convince you that he really wants a chance to make up as much as possible.*
> ...


Thank you for that insight. I'll certain pay more attention. I'm so disappointed and scared to give in. The VAR's come today and I'll move forward with that. 

You are right, some comments here are so far left that it can cloud your judgement. Everybody's experience is different.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

lucky me said:


> Does everybody really thinks this story is true? I'm just asking because I'm not buying it sorry


Maybe you're a OW or OM! Ummmm! Not so lucky in love!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> Okay ladies and gents... I confronted.
> 
> I was firm, just a little crock a dial tear and went in. I had all the emails sent to my work email. I'm a Sr. Technical Analyst and he's a novice at the computer. Told him that I was looking for an pic of my deceased mother than I accidently deleted, because my brother wanted it.
> 
> ...


If these are the exact words he used, I would consider them very closely. "This is over" means something in my mind. It's not saying anything about your marriage, it's all about their relationship. And when you have ended a friendship in the past, have you ever said "this is over"? I haven't. But when ending a relationship other than just friends, that is a phrase that fits. 

Devil is in the details. 

Sorry I'm a little late to this thread but there's one comment.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Youve mentioned that you are a senior analyst making close to three times his income, also mentioned that he works 12 hour shifts and those work days include weekends. Are there major financial issues making things difficult for you two? I hope the question is not out of line, just wondering why a $750 test would be too expensive to utilize if it helps you resolve some of this stuff.

A few people have also asked if the OW said anything when he called her on speaker and told her "its over," if she did, what did she say?

Have you had a chance to make appointments with any counselors for yourself? Having an objective person to bounce some of this advice off of is very helpful in most cases.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sometimes bills get high and $750 is a bit to collect. Maybe he makes $20K and she makes $55-60K. That's not killer wages in this day and age, although you can live on it.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Sometimes bills get high and $750 is a bit to collect. Maybe he makes $20K and she makes $55-60K. That's not killer wages in this day and age, although you can live on it.




Agreed... 1 mortage payment 2 car notes and a host of other bills. Gas because he drives 3 hours to work. Cell phone, heat, just regular bills. We put 10% each in our 401K. We are stretched thin.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Paladin said:


> Youve mentioned that you are a senior analyst making close to three times his income, also mentioned that he works 12 hour shifts and those work days include weekends. Are there major financial issues making things difficult for you two? I hope the question is not out of line, just wondering why a $750 test would be too expensive to utilize if it helps you resolve some of this stuff.
> 
> A few people have also asked if the OW said anything when he called her on speaker and told her "its over," if she did, what did she say?
> 
> Have you had a chance to make appointments with any counselors for yourself? Having an objective person to bounce some of this advice off of is very helpful in most cases.


His exact words to her was: Please don't call or text me again. She said "your wife found the texts?". He said yes and I'm sorry but don't text or call again. 

I might have miss spoke when I said he said it's over. He didn't use that word. He said "please don't call or text again".

Yes, I've located 2 counselors. I made an appointment with both. Not sure who's chemistry would fit my personality.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Thanks so much for you guys help. Me and him talked more last night. I let him talk mostly just to see if their's inconsistancies in his statements and if the story changes. Everything appears to be the same as day 1. 

My heart is very heavy and I'm so concerned that the VAR will show another story. We shall see. 

He's constantly saying he doesn't want to lose our marriage. He talked about why he loves me, why he was so stupid, he's growing, it's a test, he's sorry. Never wanted to hurt me, he'll do anything. He's confident that this marriage is going to work out. He admits what he did was wrong and stupid and he was just flattered. They had been friends, but it never crossed the line before until a few days ago. He didn't stop it in time. He admits for doing all the wrong things. 

I heard him out, but ACTIONS IS WHAT I NEED. So, its just the beginning. There is slight remorse and pain in his eyes, but time will tell. 

One day at a time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Someone that is really remorseful will do anything you ask for and more, short term and long term.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If this is the first time he's "stretched the boundaries," maybe your firm action will scare him off from ever doing that again. You're doing well in this terrible situation; stand proud.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> If this is the first time he's "stretched the boundaries," maybe your firm action will scare him off from ever doing that again. You're doing well in this terrible situation; stand proud.


Thank you so much.

I areally do appreciate all of you guys. The good/bad & the ugly truth. I'm just scratching the surface, but I'm a strong person. Oldest out of six and my mother passed when I was 22 years old. Always was the fixer. I'll fix this one way or the other. With or without him.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Your h sounds just like mine when he was caught, and you like me. 

Most wives it seems on Tam will do anything to take their h back, bc of reasons, $, children, security, etc...all very valid reasons. 

There isn't a lot of men on this site that is in the place of your h or mine. Most don't want to come back, as it is they who have cheated, and are staying w the ow. Or the wife cheated and H are divorcing...

You seem a lot more together emotionally,which please, don't take wrong from me, because it's a very good place to be. 

You may have to try several different ic/mc until you find a match... 

Let me offer you this one piece of advise, what ever path you choose, dont make it limbo... 

~ sammy


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Watch out for pre made plans of how to act if they get busted and lying low till you "get over it" and they start up again. 

Reasons, this affair excitement is hard to go cold turkey on.......


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

NeverKnew said:


> Thanks so much for you guys help. Me and him talked more last night. I let him talk mostly just to see if their's inconsistancies in his statements and if the story changes. Everything appears to be the same as day 1.
> 
> My heart is very heavy and I'm so concerned that the VAR will show another story. We shall see.
> 
> ...


i sincerely hope he is telling you the truth. you've been thru enough already.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

cool12 said:


> i sincerely hope he is telling you the truth. you've been thru enough already.


I hope so too. I really do, but there's still an issue if he is telling the truth. What made him go this far, what made him think it was ok to tell someone you love them. 

I can't wait to go to counseling. I still have huge problems even if it is true. The lying, being deceitful to me and other people. Why do you need such a attention boost and ego boost. Something is missing and it needs to be dealt with. 

The one thing I can think of is that I'm the breadwinner, keep in mind I don't talk about it. Maybe he feels immasculated in a sense. I pay the bills, he gets an allowance, he does have access to our funds, but I monitor. He's not responsible when it comes to money. He spends without hesitation on what will we have tomorrow. 

Maybe he doesn't feel much like a man because of my accomplishments. I think the counselor will route this stuff out.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

He did say last night that he does call women by endearing names and I on occasion don't like it. So I've heard him call a waitress sweety, love, or baby! He said he's going to stop that. Just something I remembered.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

I think this counselor is going to be great. Wed 1/29 is counseling. He's been married for 43 years, wrote several books on joy/happiness. He's done marriage and individual counseling for over 40 years. I'm starting to feel better already.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

That sounds like a great start, KN. Glad to hear these developments.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

daggeredheart said:


> Watch out for pre made plans of how to act if they get busted and lying low till you "get over it" and they start up again.
> 
> Reasons, this affair excitement is hard to go cold turkey on.......


Yeah, he's good for that. I can bug him to help around the house, until I get angry then he helps and it only last for a short while. I completely understand. 

Creature of habits.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By NeverKnew*
> I hope so too. I really do, but there's still an issue if he is telling the truth. *What made him go this far, what made him think it was ok to tell someone you love them?*


*Weakness or selfishness or both.*


*Your husband does not love that woman that he has talked to for less than a month.* The definition of love includes sacrifice and living together, working together and making a life together. Living together and working with your partner through the thick and thin in life, the good, the bad, the ugly, that will test love and tell if it is real or not. 



Your husband does not love that woman and she does not love him; they are acting like junior high school children that live in fantasyland; stupid punks! . Some people use the word love like the saying “How are you doing”. Most of the time they do not give a shyt how you are doing it is just something nice to say that requires no sacrifice. People use the word “I love you” for their own selfish agenda sometimes. The word love has been cheapened in our culture.


NeverKnew
I think that you can be encouraged by the fact that you are smart and you are getting 2 counselors to help this situation. In addition, your husband seems truly remorseful but as you have said actions will tell.

Not to be making light of this crises but I think you have caught this early enough before your husband got into the fog. Once they get into the fog they are blinded and are led around by their damaged emotions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

On lighter note it might be time to look into male chastity devices...... Just saying!

After all he did say he would do "anything"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

On a serious note , I hope your confrontation was/is effective... Hell I have been busier then a one legged man in a @ss kicking contest.... Between work and banging Mrs. The guy ( if I don't some OM will) my plate has been full.

If I can sit down for sec w/ my laptop I'll have to get caught up with your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Weakness or selfishness or both.*
> 
> 
> *Your husband does not love that woman that he has talked to for less than a month.* The definition of love includes sacrifice and living together, working together and making a life together. Living together and working with your partner through the thick and thin in life, the good, the bad, the ugly, that will test love and tell if it is real or not.
> ...


Thanks so much for you positivity. His friend that I exposed him too talked to me yesterday and it felt good. He also made a comment like "if you wouldn't have done something so stupid we would have sandwiches by now". It was just to make me laugh.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> On lighter note it might be time to look into male chastity devices...... Just saying!
> 
> After all he did say he would do "anything"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



LOL haha Thats a great idea. My husband was very shy in bed when I meet him. He's a little better, but maybe I can take advantage of this power I have over him now. LOL LOL


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Today is a new day. My husband had to go to a class today for work and left his phone with me. He said he had no use for it today in class and defintely wanted me to have a little peace. He wants me to worry less when he's away. 

VAR is here and I'm placing it today. He goes to work Sunday 4am in the morning. I'm praying!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

NeverKnew said:


> Today is a new day. My husband had to go to a class today for work and left his phone with me. He said he had no use for it today in class and defintely wanted me to have a little peace. He wants me to worry less when he's away.
> 
> VAR is here and I'm placing it today. He goes to work Sunday 4am in the morning. I'm praying!


Make sure you get the VAR in place, he could have another phone, hence no need for the one he left with you, it happens all the time.


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## NeverKnew (Jan 21, 2014)

Phenix70 said:


> Make sure you get the VAR in place, he could have another phone, hence no need for the one he left with you, it happens all the time.


Its defintely in place. He works 12hr shifts so I don't have time to take a look until 3 days from now. It's killing me!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

just a warning (but a real fact that users have dealed with in the past), some WS are so good at cheating because they did the physical encounters during the luch time in their working days.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Another warning. If you start to even suspect you hear car sex STOP and have a trusted friend listen. Hearing that will wreck you in ways you can not begin to imagine.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NeverKnew said:


> I've located 2 counselors. I made an appointment with both. Not sure who's chemistry would fit my personality.


What does that mean? Have you had issues with that in the past?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

checking in with you.
hope you're doing well.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Did we ever hear back on these VARS? I hope everything is working out ok for you


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