# Coparenting with a narcissist



## SBS (10 mo ago)

I put my ex out of the house after his affair partner called to say that she was pregnant in 2020. I was so hurt and completely lost. He stopped helping with the bills and children once we separated. I begged him to come and see the children. However, he ignored all requests to do so. I asked if he could help with transportation for the children back and forth to school. He would not. He offered no money for school supplies,uniforms, or even food to fix lunches. Absolutely nothing for almost a full year. During this time unbeknownst to me he moved in with his affair partner and began to financially support her and her children. He started to come back around in April to spend time with our son, but not my son, whom he help raise from the age of 2. He began to take our son shopping and on outings like the movies and adventure parks. Never inviting the oldest who has known him as his dad,forever. It was heartbreaking to watch. In April he lied about taking our son to his grandmother's house and actually took him to his new home with his affair partner. My son came back home in tears!! He didn't prepare him or me. There was no conversation or preparation for this visit. My son was completely blindsided. He has since expressed that he doesn't want to go to his father's house. I shared this with him and now he's threatening to take me to court for violating the custodial agreement. I have never stopped him from seeing the children 
He was just with our son last weekend. Please help with any advice. My son is 11, shouldn't his opinion matter?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SBS said:


> I put my ex out of the house after his affair partner called to say that she was pregnant in 2020. I was so hurt and completely lost. He stopped helping with the bills and children once we separated. I begged him to come and see the children. However, he ignored all requests to do so. I asked if he could help with transportation for the children back and forth to school. He would not. He offered no money for school supplies,uniforms, or even food to fix lunches. Absolutely nothing for almost a full year. During this time unbeknownst to me he moved in with his affair partner and began to financially support her and her children. He started to come back around in April to spend time with our son, but not my son, whom he help raise from the age of 2. He began to take our son shopping and on outings like the movies and adventure parks. Never inviting the oldest who has known him as his dad,forever. It was heartbreaking to watch. In April he lied about taking our son to his grandmother's house and actually took him to his new home with his affair partner. My son came back home in tears!! He didn't prepare him or me. There was no conversation or preparation for this visit. My son was completely blindsided. He has since expressed that he doesn't want to go to his father's house. I shared this with him and now he's threatening to take me to court for violating the custodial agreement. I have never stopped him from seeing the children
> He was just with our son last weekend. Please help with any advice. My son is 11, shouldn't his opinion matter?


@SBS I'm sorry to hear about these struggles. What a loser of a man to ignore his son, and yours, only to come back into their lives as a disappointment.

Are you divorced now?

My knowledge of custody problems is near zero but from what I've read, you may not have much of a case for keeping your son out of daddy's house. Each state is different, but 11years old is pretty young to sway the court. Can you go to court and renegotiate the custody agreement more to your liking?

Side question, is there a time when you think it would be ok for S to be with xH and his AP? "Never" is an obvious answer but it's also not realistic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In these situations you can only control you. What does your divorce decree say about expenses? 
Your best path is no contact. Limit communication to text or email, kids only. Pick ups drop offs should be a 2 minute exercise you don’t need to chat, etc.
This method works. Contact is up to you. If not you will keep yourself bound up in this. You do have a choice.
There is no magic fix to these situations.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @SBS I'm sorry to hear about these struggles. What a loser of a man to ignore his son, and yours, only to come back into their lives as a disappointment.
> 
> Are you divorced now?
> 
> ...


We are divorced now and he has been ordered to pay child support. My primary issue is that I have never attempted to stop him from seeing the children. However, because my son doesn't want to go to his house he's threatening me. I'm so torn.. He created this nightmare and is laying blame at everyone's feet, except his own. He's been a functioning alcoholic for years. This makes conversations even more difficult. I'm so tired of it all...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SBS said:


> We are divorced now and he has been ordered to pay child support. My primary issue is that I have never attempted to stop him from seeing the children. However, because my son doesn't want to go to his house he's threatening me. I'm so torn.. He created this nightmare and is laying blame at everyone's feet, except his own. He's been a functioning alcoholic for years. This makes conversations even more difficult. I'm so tired of it all...


You might consider letting this go back into court to make your case. Especially if he's actually threatening you! Make sure you keep any evidence of that.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> In these situations you can only control you. What does your divorce decree say about expenses?
> Your best path is no contact. Limit communication to text or email, kids only. Pick ups drop offs should be a 2 minute exercise you don’t need to chat, etc.
> This method works. Contact is up to you. If not you will keep yourself bound up in this. You do have a choice.
> There is no magic fix to these situations.


I've gone no contact before. He started contacting my close relatives letting them know I had him blocked. He started a smear campaign telling his family that I hated him. I just blocked him again because he started sending texts messages full of expletives. I have tried reasoning with him where our son is concerned. I've suggested that he try and rebuild the relationship before placing him in an uncomfortable situation. It's so frustrating and sad... Why would anyone want to force their children to be in a situation that's uncomfortable for them?Especially when the child has expressed discomfort on more than one occasion.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> In these situations you can only control you. What does your divorce decree say about expenses?
> Your best path is no contact. Limit communication to text or email, kids only. Pick ups drop offs should be a 2 minute exercise you don’t need to chat, etc.
> This method works. Contact is up to you. If not you will keep yourself bound up in this. You do have a choice.
> There is no magic fix to these situations.


Thank you. He has been relentless... I have only responded to text about the children. I think this is what sets him off. While I know that "there is no magic to fix these situations," I really wish there was. I feel like an awful mother for even having to consider sending him somewhere he doesn't want to be. This situation seems to be never ending.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SBS said:


> Thank you. He has been relentless... I have only responded to text about the children. I think this is what sets him off. While I know that "there is no magic to fix these situations," I really wish there was. I feel like an awful mother for even having to consider sending him somewhere he doesn't want to be. This situation seems to be never ending.


Children in some cases are allowed a choice. See a good attorney. If the one you used in your divorce was satisfactory use them. They are already familiar with your case.
Narcissists crave attention and want control. The worst thing you can do is give in to them. All that does is embolden them further.
if he’s not keeping up with his court mandated payments garnish his wages.
Why are you worried about what he says about you. I suspect everyone knows him and what he is. There are also slander laws.
It comes down to talk versus actions. Talk won’t get you a damn thing.
He’s relentless. So what. Be relentless right back at his sss.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would he do that? Because he doesn’t care enough about his son not to do it. Unfortunately that’s not likely to change. At some point your son will be old enough to decide what he wants but that’s in the future. He’s very likely never going to be a decent parent so be ready for anything.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is the type situation that parents dread when they get divorced. It’s why they want to fast-forward their children to the age where they can make the choice to see the other parent or not. Usually the bad parent never stops trying to manipulate them no matter how old they are. For us, the long nightmare is over. For you it’s just beginning but one day it’ll be a different story. Live for that day.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Children in some cases are allowed a choice. See a good attorney. If the one you used in your divorce was satisfactory use them. They are already familiar with your case.
> Narcissists crave attention and want control. The worst thing you can do is give in to them. All that does is embolden them further.
> if he’s not keeping up with his court mandated payments garnish his wages.
> Why are you worried about what he says about you. I suspect everyone knows him and what he is. There are also slander laws.
> ...


Thank you for the advice. You're right talking hasn't gotten me anywhere. His wages were garnished for the first time this past Friday. I have a consultation with my lawyer later this week. This platform has been so therapeutic. I also realize that I can no longer accept his manipulation and verbal mistreatment. I love your aggressive approach. It reminds me to keep fighting and moving forward.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Why would he do that? Because he doesn’t care enough about his son not to do it. Unfortunately that’s not likely to change. At some point your son will be old enough to decide what he wants but that’s in the future. He’s very likely never going to be a decent parent so be ready for anything.


It hurt to hear that. Unfortunately, I know that what you're saying is true. It seems that parents would want the best for their children no matter what. However, I realize who I'm dealing with now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SBS said:


> Thank you for the advice. You're right talking hasn't gotten me anywhere. His wages were garnished for the first time this past Friday. I have a consultation with my lawyer later this week. This platform has been so therapeutic. I also realize that I can no longer accept his manipulation and verbal mistreatment. I love your aggressive approach. It reminds me to keep fighting and moving forward.


If it warrants it hit him with slander charges. People take you a lot more serious if they take a hit to their pocketbook. Less talk more action.💥 It will make your life a lot easier.


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