# I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do



## ski123 (Dec 11, 2011)

I am totally confused and can't think straight. So far we had been married for 21 years, about 8 years ago, she told me the I love you and not in love with you speech. I was devastated and started being nice to her and acknowledged that I wasn't the best husband but will show my love for her. She refused any counseling. Throughout the years we kinda made up, but still had some arguments and resentments toward each other. I had asked if there was anyone else, she said no at the time. She leaves for work at 7 am go to gym after work and comes home around 8:30 pm. She comes home between 9 and 9:30 pm every weekday now since summer. My strong gut feeling told me something is going on, I asked her and she assured me nothing was going on. She would kiss me and hug me before and work and when she comes home. Early November 2011, I went by her work in the morning and did not see her car, I called her and she said that she was at work and while on the phone she was pretending to say hi to her coworkers, I told her I did not see her car, she paused and said that she is in front of a store in a strip mall. I met her there. My knee jerk reaction was furious, I asked her angrily who she was meeting, why she lied, I never trusted you. She said she was just sitting in the car smoking and that she had told me that we had been over for a long time and she wanted out, but no one else involved. I told her to f*** off and I left. I then tried to make up to her the next day and gave her flowers for over-reacting. She said that it will not do any good, it is over and this will be our family's last holiday together. 3 weeks later, I found out she goes to someone's house. I continued to track her and she goes to this house quite often. I recognized the car parked in front of the house to be someone from the health club, it belongs to a male. I do not work out with her at same time as I had to be home with the children. I had not confronted her yet, not sure what to do. We have 4 children, 2 in grade school and 2 in college living at home and I love them very much, I am always home in the evening for them. They all know my wife and I have some problems, but I do not want to break this family apart. I may had lost opportunities these last 8 years to reconcile for I had not done a good job for I did not know how due to emotional roller coaster I had been in. She is very angry at me and resents me. Will someone with objective mind please tell me what I should do? I can't think straight right now. I am going to go to a counselor to help me cope with the pain, just waiting on appointment. I had lost sleep and appetite since. Any advise is greatly appreciated.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Your wife has been cheating on you for a long time. This may not be her first affair, as the vast majority go undetected forever. The fact that you found out about this one makes it likely there were others.
First, se a lwayer and read up on the 180. Expose her affair far and wide to anyone that has influence over her. This includes your kids and in laws etc.
Have no doubt you got this right, despite any denials she may make. She is definitely having an affair and unless she wants to quite and reconcil, there is nothing you can do,
The measures such as exposure , the 180 and stopping access to mutual family funds are designed to break up the affair. Until the affair stops, there is zero chance to reconcile.
You will make it , even if she elects to continue cheating and to divorce. In fact, despite your concerns re the kids, divorce is , often, the fastest way for a betrayed spouse to heal.
Also, see you doctor to see if meds will help with the sleeping and eating.
The most important piece of advic I can give you, after years of research, is that you should not accept or feel that you and any deficiencies you nmay have had in the marriage played a role in her decision to cheat. I know that sounds incorrect. But, at this point, virtually all Betrayed spouses magniify their flaws(everyone, including your wife has them) and want to accept responsibility that is not theirs.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ski123 said:


> 3 weeks later, I found out she goes to someone's house. I continued to track her and she goes to this house quite often. I recognized the car parked in front of the house to be someone from the health club, it belongs to a male.


You may want to place a few VARs (voice activated recorders) underneath the seat of her car, and inside the house (like the bathroom, bedroom, etc). Chances are good that she's having an affair and if she is, the VAR will record her conversations with the OM (other man).

If you haven't had any sex with her for some time, I'd send a piece of her undergarment (preferably one she used on the day of one her meetings with OM) to a lab to check for traces of semen.

If you have access to her cell phone bill, check for high volume usage to certain phone numbers. Add and write down the amount of time per day she calls that number(s).

The point is to gather conclusive evidence that she won't be able to dismiss it as delusional thinking on your part.

Lastly continue going to counseling so that you begin to heal no matter what happens to your marriage.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

ski123 said:


> I am totally confused and can't think straight. So far we had been married for 21 years, about 8 years ago, she told me the I love you and not in love with you speech.
> 
> *That is the time when she started cheating...*
> 
> ...


*The answers are bolded*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ski, welcome aboard, and I'm sorry for your situation.

My take is to just divorce her. I have 3 kids, teens/20's, and understand your confusion about how the kids fit into the equation. I am a big proponent of keeping the family together. I stayed for my kids through a lot of bad years, as did my wife. We are working hard to make things work.

Yet I still think that your marriage has been dead for a long time. Your wife has moved on completely. She has not been treading water, she has totally moved on. There seems to me to be no reason to believe that she wants to make your marriage a good healthy or happy marriage.

You can try to kill her affair by exposure, and try to lure her back in to the relationship with you. The fact that she checked out so many years ago makes me think she will not be coming back.

I think the first thing to do is STFU with your wife. Don't tell her anything that you know about her affair(s).

Second, consult with an attorney to find out how things work in your location. What are your rights in terms of custody? Alimony? Is there any legal benefit to gathering evidence of her affair?

And then I would file for divorce. If she makes a real, credible, and substantial effort to reconcile, you can decide to suspend divorce proceedings if you want to.

Also, get yourself tested for STDs immediately. Don't have any sexual contact with her until the results are back. And sorry to say this, but get your younger kids DNA tested. For your peace of mind it will be worth having it done.

Just take things one day at a time. You'll get through this better and stronger.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Thor is right. Her affairs have been going on for 8 years. It may be extremely difficult to change her mindset. She doesnt respect you anymore, so you cant make her love you like before. 

Get yourself tested for the full panel of STD and hepatitis. Stop having sex with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are any of the men working in health clubs not banging married women?

Call the manager/owner and let him know what is going on.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree. The fastest way to healing is to divorce her asap. 
I know,I know, ths is not the warm fuzzy"you can have a stronger marriage" advice. But, the reality is that very few marriages survive this.
Gather the evidence, as has been suggested, for your own peace of mind and so you have no doubt down the road. But, really, consider just divorcing her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

File for divorce, move her out, request you have the kids full time, sure her worthless cheating butt for child and spousal support.

Expsore her cheating to friends, family, coworkers and the health club.

Do not be a doormat, actually don't continue to be a doormat, take take back control and show her you won't continue living being the cuckold you've been.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Implement *The 180 degree rules* but also implement *Just Let Tem Go* as well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think I'm glad that I never found out about the affair at my abode until she came to me suggesting I find other accommodations. My decision was simple. I filed for divorce and moved on the very next day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Find out who the OM is. If he is married/partner, you must expose him to his wife. Your wife is having an affair. Nothing you say to her will resonate with her cause she is HIGH as a kite right now on the affair chemicals.

The best thing you can do is as Mori said--let her go.

Agree with her--tell her"Wife, I know you want out and while I love you, I also am not going to stop you from leaving. Because I deserve 100% and if you cannot give that to me, then I am not going to wait around for you."

Find out who dou*chebag is and out him!!!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I say, if she wants to go, let her go to OM. However, if I were you, I would find out as much as possible about this OM. I will gather all the evidences I can and expose it to your older children, your family and inlaws. 

The way I see it is even if this does end in divorce, I assure you she will try everything blaming this on you, and you should do what you can to make sure everyone know her leading this double life for many years. 

With such effort, there are chances that she may realize her wrongdoing and come back to you. If such does happen, you can consider taking her back, and if not, then she is a lost cause.


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## ski123 (Dec 11, 2011)

Thank you for all your replies.

Unfortunately, I was hoping for better news. The general consenus is to expose the wife's infidelity, do the 180 and divorce her.

I still need to gather proof of the affair, all I can tell is she goes to the guy's house, how should I get the proof?

Do I do the 180 now before confronting her with proof?

Also, the OM does not work at the health club, just a member.

I live in a no fault state, will I lose my house and children?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get her phone records, buy a voice activated recorder and put it under her car seat with heavy duty velcro. You can get the VAR at Best Buy, Walmart, etc. This is to record their conversations, phone calls.

Put a keylogger on her computer.

Do the 180 now, this is for your benefit.

Don't be surprised when you man up and bust her if she doesn't want to reconcile.

Is the other man married or have a girl friend? 

Put a GPS on car or phone . Take pictures at OM's house.

Depending on what kind of phone she has, you may be able to retrieve her text messages.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, its not your fault she turned into an adulterer. She had many other options better than that. Her decision was to throw her whole family under the bus.

Do NOT leave your house. If anybody leaves make her do it and fight for primary custody.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ski123 said:


> I live in a no fault state, will I lose my house and children?


The house is community property so it is half yours and half your wife's. And no you won't loose your children unless of course you are danger to them.

Go to *Dads divorce* and go to the forums. You'll find a wealth of information from men on what worked and didn't work in their divorce.

Look, we're not advocating that you divorce her right here and now but to prepare yourself if it comes to that. You want to be totally prepared and not blindsided if your wife decides to file first.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out who owns the house. Since they are sneaking around he is very likely married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ski123 (Dec 11, 2011)

She has her own cell phone account and she does not leave her separate bills lying around as she had seen me checked her call records before. She uses a laptop from work. Both devices are password protected, I will not be able to get data off of them.

Ok, I understand not to divorce her right here and now, but to talk to a divorce lawyer for my protection.

I do not know if OM has girlfriend, I think he is single.

Also, will pictures of her car in front of OM's house be sufficient? As for VAR, I will try that, but my concern is that she might find it as she cleans (or check) her car often. I will use GPS tracker, but I do not want to let her know of this source when I confront her, how do I handle the obtained GPS tracker data to my benefit?

I am not a danger to my children, I love them dearly, in fact I had thought about reconcile so that my kids will not be in any un-loving environment, in other words, I am worried that they will be exposed to harm and fear by OM. Also, I do love my wife, and reconcilation was in my mind, now I am not sure.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have heard of a moral clause...talk to your lawyer, this prevents any contact with OM and your kids.

She sound very skilled in hiding her affair, hence the car cleaning (looking for VAR). get one with a seperate/ mic extension. You can stash the VAR deep with in the cars dash or the interior (bring a screw driver and black tape). The mic is alot smaller and easier to hide.

I have a feeling she is at a point were she wants this affair to be exposed, she is ready to move on with out you. You confronting her is her way of getting out of the M. When she does start all the cry, it will b/c her two lifes had finally collided and now she has to break up the family.

She is gone, make a plan and work the plan. Don't let your emotions get the better of you so no split second dicision. You and the lawyer will come up with a plan and stick with it. Keep in mind she has made an exit plan and is way further along then you are so quitely catch up to her with your exit plan.

Get it? Now its your turn and time to come up with your plan to move on. Its been 8years for her to prepare for the exit when you catch her. So my friend, you have a lot of work to do to get to this exit plan for your self on your term.

Emotional and finacially prepare your self and then confront her. This way you are both on a level playing feel and you won't be making bad mistake with out a plan and getting screwed over. 

Compare it to preparing your self for battle, facing your enemy with out the right weapons then you will lose.

Keep in mind she is way more prepared then you are so take the time and make a plan.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ski123 said:


> She has her own cell phone account and she does not leave her separate bills lying around as she had seen me checked her call records before. She uses a laptop from work. Both devices are password protected, I will not be able to get data off of them.
> 
> Ok, I understand not to divorce her right here and now, but to talk to a divorce lawyer for my protection.
> 
> ...


Get velcro and stick the VAR up under the drivers seat or dash.
Cheaters almost always call from car because of privacy of being alone. This may be all the proof you need to expose her. Find out about the othe rman. 

Google his name and run him through spokeo.com.


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## ski123 (Dec 11, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies again.

I am slowly coming to grip that this had been going on for 8 years. It is so painful. Still not thinkg straight yet.

I am trying the 180 now, but it is hard. Do I do the 180 already before I have concrete proof of her cheating?

She did say this will be our family's last holiday and she is ready to move on. She said that she had a lot of resentments toward me.

I still feel that I pushed her over the edge. How can a wife jeopardize 4 childrens lives and a husband? I really did not make her happy. I really blew it.

She gives me a quick hug most mornings before she goes to work.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ski123 said:


> Thanks for all your replies again.
> 
> I am slowly coming to grip that this had been going on for 8 years. It is so painful. Still not thinkg straight yet.
> 
> ...


No, you're making the mistake many newly betrayeds make: That the affairs were your fault. There is NEVER any valid excuse to cheat. You were only responsible for 50% of the marital problems, she is 100% responsible for the cheating. Cheating is never a solution to ANY marital problems. Even if you were a total ass, cheating wasn't the solution. The honorable thing to do would be to work it out with you, go into MC, or simply divorce you because of your shortcomings or refusal to change. Instead, she chose the selfish, easy way out: to bang other men. Never, ever take resonsibility for her cheating. It was her, not you. I'm quite sure you weren't happy either, and your needs were not being met. But did you go off and bang other women? Nope, you stayed faithful to her, the family, and the marriage. You need to realize that she's just a selfish person with no morals.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is so bold as to say this is the family's last holiday, it sounds like she is planning something for Jsnuary.

It coud be she has stashed money away and has secret bank accounts. She has had a very long time to plant this out, so don't dismiss ideas like this too quickly.

You may have only a couple of weeks to act before she does, you want to be first to act since that gives you the imitative and the ability to time when things happen instead of reacting to them.

I would suggest talking immediately to a lawyer, meaning this week, on protecting you financially, and protecting your ability to stay in your own home.

You might also want to secure a copy of all your tax records offsite.

Another thing to do is run a credit report on your wife and see if she's got credit cards open that you don't know about. For instance if you typically share a card, has she opened one in her named only.

Find out about the OM ASAP. Hire a PI if you have to. It doesn't sound like you have months to play detective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If she is so bold as to say this is the family's last holiday, it sounds like she is planning something for Jsnuary.
> 
> It coud be she has stashed money away and has secret bank accounts. She has had a very long time to plant this out, so don't dismiss ideas like this too quickly.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Clean out any joint accounts before she does. She's had her exit strategy in place for quite a while. Probably even has the divorce lawyer lined up already. If you're in an at fault state, file under adultery. Get the temporary child custody order in place. The clock is ticking, and you're way behind the power curve.

You had best get out of your shocked/denial phase soon, or you're going to get raked over the coals, while she rides off happily into the sunset with fitness trainer boy, while you're left broke and alone. Whatever you do, DO NOT move out of the house! That's seen as abandonment in court.

Her affair tools are her locked cell phone and her work laptop. Spend the money and hire a PI, and utilize a VAR. This is a very experienced cheater, this one is.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when you do get more proof, do know you can still expose if he's still single

I would email his workplace (and include corporate if it's a chain) letting them know he used work resources and time to engage in an affair with a married woman


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I would have a big, big, huge problem, with her telling me, pre-emptively that this will be our last holiday together... and then top it off by giving me a hug everday, with my knowledge that she's cheating. Its like a double slap in the face. If you don't mind me asking, at this point what is your sex life like?

If it has indeed been going on as long as you expect, there is nothing to salvage her by your humanity. To me, why even go through the holidays? So she can satisfy her own guilt?


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Stop behaving like doormat and blaming yourself for affair, its her fault.

If she is betraying you for 8 years, she is not worth to spend life with.How can anyone do this to their loved ones.

If she wants to go for holidays tell her that she can go with OM and confront these issues face to face.After 8 years of affair do you still need any proof.

MAN UP.MAN UP.MAN UP!!!!!!!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

ski123 said:


> She did say this will be our family's last holiday and she is ready to move on. She said that she had a lot of resentments toward me.


This is the side effect of the affair. She wants to blame you for it because she doesn't want to admit what she is doing is wrong. She is exaggerating all the negative aspects of you and the M to justify what she is doing. Everyone does it so don't try to take it personal. You could be the perfect husband and she'd complain that you were "too perfect". 



> I still feel that I pushed her over the edge. How can a wife jeopardize 4 childrens lives and a husband? I really did not make her happy. I really blew it.


Nope, you didn't do anything. You have to accept the fact that your wife is selfish and doesn't care about you. Nobody can push someone into an affair, its just not possible. 



> She gives me a quick hug most mornings before she goes to work.


To pacify you. 

Everyone here is right. She is not giving you any choice so have to take action and hit her hard. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. She isn't going to realize how dependent she is on you until you take the security blanket right out from under her.

Don't be the nice guy, you can resent her for screwing other guys. No matter how bad things got (which I bet dollars to donuts they aren't) nobody deserves to be cheated on and lied to like this. You do not deserve this much disrespect so do NOT put up with it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A forensic accountant can look for moneys she has hidden. I have no idea if it is something you can do yourself with a calculator and a pile of printouts at home.

Since she seems to be on an exit plan now, it is very probable that she has hidden a large amount of cash somewhere. Not only is this dishonest, but you are entitled to half of that cash in the divorce. She is STEALING from you if she is hiding money.


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