# uncompatible, 20 years married, what to do



## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

My story, not sure if it goes here, as sexual, or addictions, though not sure if he is addicted.
Any how, married for 20 years, together since we were 18. I thought he was just shy, then inexperienced when we were dating, we started off as friends, and I left the BF I was living with to be with him.
Red flags from start,including after he had said we should get engaged he told me to tell his mohter, he didnt. and he wasnt ever in mood for sex, obviously at 18 I was yuong and romantic so red flags meant nothing to me.
He rushed ot find us a flat together, and we were happy but he was always tired, not very interested sexually - I tried all sorts, resigned myself to the fact he had a low libido, while mine was high. any excuse he would back out of sex, ie start a cuddle then start playing eye spy games- time passed we had 3 kids, so that was anohter excuse, kids, or the bedroom was messy, working long hours, he had it coverd
well, to cut a long story short, after much hunting,snooping I discovered fetish mags, contact mags, escorts with strap on etc mags. I was hurt on reading stuff I found, I thought he needed me to be dominent, so I got toys, gear, and tried, only to be told no, too tired, not in mood,or worse, told tonight..then changed mind, 
got PC in house, and things got worse, found out he was dressing up - a cross dresser, on dating sites, chatting to other TVs
I tried to be oblidging, said no worrys, he could dress and I could dress as his mistress- he called me useless on one ocasion, another shatched the crop off me and told me I was doing it wrong. He wanted me to take photos, he only took a couple of me dressed, and thatt was due to me insisting - discovered these personal photos of him were being uploaded and posted to others on dating sites. with him saying he wanted to meet
The hardest thing was on two occasions he begged me to let him see an esccort(looked like me) just for training bdsm, that hurt like hell. I said no, cried, explained my hurt.
another time he begged to go see a TV dominatrix, I said I was worried about safety. and cried, it seems the more I try ot play the games, satisfy his fetish the more confidence he gets ot betray me, he went to see an escort , told me me was off to work meeting, I found a long blonde hair on his suit and jokingly asked who's it was -I found the photos and messages about his going to see her online, and confronted him saying someone had told me to look as they recognised him- he denied it, said he would never do that - looked into my eyes and lied through his teeth- told me to close my account on the site, and that he would too, when I said I had actually seen the photos so why was he lieing to me he didnt have an answer,just said what do you want to do, we had a long talk, I was sobbing etc, he hardly said a word, only the next day he called me to bedroom and said he had made a decision, to stay with me-all the time he was posting online about wanting to be a bride, was wishing strap on I used was the real thing, it killed any sexual feelings I had as I was having to make him have sex as he wanted me to force him, and at the same time I knew he was thinking of TVs, he even had me dirty talking to him about what I would get them to do to him, and him to them.
in beween we get on well, though, he wont talk seriously, doesnt take my opinions seriously, 
The point is I am in my 50s, I havent a job as he kept saying he was working so I didnt need to, we have 4 kids, 2 adult ones still at home and a teenager at home- financially we are pretty dependant on him, I cant find a job.
I am torn, I think I hate him sometimes when he says something to put me down, or when I know he is up to something. yet I can't imagine being alone, havent ever been without him.
he changed his account to a joint one so I could use a card(I have my own savings Ikeep seperate) but I feel scared about being jointly responsible, now he is saying about taking out a loan for an extension, its something I have wanted as house is to small. BUT in my gut all I can think about is what if this is to run off with money? 
I can see all my trust has gone, if this had been happening and he was the person I thought he was, I would be so happy, where I want to be, but its like a nightmare, I keep trying to deny the panic in my head, but all I think about is will he run off with the money, why does he want extension? is he trying to punish me again, as he has a habit of making me make a final dicision on something then holding it against me.
Its sort of crunch time, go for a loan that I will be responsible for if he disappears- and get the extension, knowing this relationship i really a sham, or cut my losses, destroy the family, possibly make me and our kids homeless, and possible kill my elderly parents who are not well and are such gentle people. 
My head is pounding with all this, he doesnt know I know so so much more about what he chats about or does online, as I had a keylogger for a while, 
I know I cannot hope to cope with life on my own with a youngster sitting exams, ill parents, adult kids, one unemployed one about to lose job. 
But I know I will never trust him again, and I am scared once all the kids have left home and we are alone he will start again in ernest, as he mentioned moving down south to retire, I wuld be alone somewhere strange. and we havent had sex or intimacy for a year now, only him cuddling me, or suggesting dressing, and me putting him off- do I come out with what is bohtering me? and if he walks out that proves me right. 
anyhow, sorry about the waffle - just typing it has made me feel better,


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

If you care about your sanity,you will end this marriage and move on with your life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to see a legal expert and find out what you can expect to get for spousal support. Once you know what kind of financial situation you will be in, you can then make a better decision about your future.

Your husband is not even close to what you thought you were marrying and I think you both will be happier divorced. You will then be free to find a man who loves you the way you want to be loved and he can find...whatever it is he wants, because clearly it isn't you.

I'm so sorry you are in this kind of pain.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

biola said:


> If you care about your sanity,you will end this marriage and move on with your life!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Definetly go see a lawyer...


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

If I was to guess, I wouldn't be surprised if he left you when he retires so that he can go and play in his fantasy world. 
Or you can continue to be the diminutive, accepting little lady that he has nothing but contempt for.
When your kids are grown up and moved out your purpose will be served and he'll drop you quicker than a hot plate!
If your gut instinct is that he will take the money and run, then follow that instinct....instincts have a tendency to be correct in my experience.
The fact is that you've been living with a liar that keeps secrets. Don't let yourself be a victim again and again.
In a nutshell, leave. Walk out. It's scary, it's a risk, it's a HUGE decision, but I would walk out on my wife if she ever lied to me in that way or kept such an enormous secret.
You deserve better. You owe yourself a happier life. I hope you find it.


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