# Tried to work through the affair



## nottelling4738 (Aug 2, 2013)

I put this on the going through seperation board but figured I will try it here too..

About 5 1/2 years ago my husband cheated on me with a friend. I was devastated but we decided to work through it. We have 3 kids together. THings were ok for a while I guess. Well things have turned bad in the last year. Fighting is back, lack of sex, and I just cant trust him. I have a feeling things might be starting up again on his end with someone else. Not the same person but a new one. We have separated about 6 months ago. After 17 years of marriage. We are trying to keep things as calm as possible for our kids. I don't want to upset them anymore than we have to. Its prob best we separated because of all the fighting. It was so bad. So here I sit all depressed but still thinking it was for the best. I don't know if he was cheating again but maybe I never got past the first one. It has been 5 years. I thought actually working through the cheating made us stronger but I guess not. It felt like it for a while. I still cant belive this is happening. Im too old for this crap. But part of me wants him back. I have almost no friend at all. The one friend I had well we see how that went. it funny that I miss talking to her. God I cant belive im typing this. why would I even think about her. I guess I just need to get it out. I miss my husband but I don't know if I can save this marriage. Not sure if its worth it. not sure I want to. do I want to save it just so im not alone? im not a spring chicken anymore. Life is so crazy. I just want to be there for my kids but who is there for me? I wish I had someone - guess online wil hve to do.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

nottelling4738 said:


> I put this on the going through seperation board but figured I will try it here too..
> 
> About 5 1/2 years ago my husband cheated on me with a friend. I was devastated but we decided to work through it. We have 3 kids together. THings were ok for a while I guess. Well things have turned bad in the last year. Fighting is back, lack of sex, and I just cant trust him. I have a feeling things might be starting up again on his end with someone else. Not the same person but a new one. We have separated about 6 months ago. After 17 years of marriage. We are trying to keep things as calm as possible for our kids. I don't want to upset them anymore than we have to. Its prob best we separated because of all the fighting. It was so bad. So here I sit all depressed but still thinking it was for the best. I don't know if he was cheating again but maybe I never got past the first one. It has been 5 years. I thought actually working through the cheating made us stronger but I guess not. It felt like it for a while. I still cant belive this is happening. Im too old for this crap. But part of me wants him back. I have almost no friend at all. The one friend I had well we see how that went. it funny that I miss talking to her. God I cant belive im typing this. why would I even think about her. I guess I just need to get it out. I miss my husband but I don't know if I can save this marriage. Not sure if its worth it. not sure I want to. do I want to save it just so im not alone? im not a spring chicken anymore. Life is so crazy. I just want to be there for my kids but who is there for me? I wish I had someone - guess online wil hve to do.


The only person that will look after you is you. Rebuilding trust is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I was unsuccessful. Doesn't mean you will be but there are steps to take to try and rebuild the trust but "he" will need to do the heavy lifting as they say. Betrayed by a spouse and a "friend" is horrible and I'm so sorry you have to endure that pain. Keep strong for your kid's and yourself and take the advice the regulars give here, it's free and they really do know what they are talking about.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Burned has good advice.

So sorry you are here!

This sounds like a classic case of rugsweeping the affair, and him failing to take the steps to ensure it would not happen again.

Most of the time when it feels like you are not getting the support from a WS, we advise the BS to do a "180." Read about that.

The trick is to detach emotionally from him, and improve yourself for yourself. Start spending more time on yourself, your wants, and improve your sense of value. Dress a little nicer, take better care of your health, make new friends, look for new activities, create mystery, and try to enjoy things outside of your current circle.

This is very difficult when it seems like you are at rock bottom. The tendency for us is to chase after the cheaters. The better method is to let them run away.

Then keep them away. Do this by minimizing your contact and your emotions with him. It sucks, but it your best bet.

Eventually he will either return deeply humiliated, or he will drift off.

You will likely feel empowered, less dependent, and worth much more than he has given you.

Others will chime in. It is so hard, but you will be ok.

Best wishes!!!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Are you in counseling? I hope you could talk to your girlfriend to help you have something positive today. You are not that old, you have a lot of life left.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

This is why a separation is almost always warranted in case of infidelity. It gives you perspective and lower chances of rugsweeping. 

Start IC ASAP. And you asked who is there for you? Your kids are, and they will be, when they see you as an ideal person.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Stop with the "I am not a spring chicken" crap. Age will never be a factor in you finding someone if your M does not work out.

I am M 30 years and had some prospects when my M looked like it was over. We are in R and things look promising but I was kind of looking at the possibilities and they looked good.


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