# Can someone please offer a little advice



## nikki6363 (Nov 12, 2010)

Ok here it is in a nutshell.

I was 28 and met my husband who was 38 at the time. I had never dated anyone older than me and just broke up with someone younger than me who was very controlling. So I started dating my husband and he seemed madly in love with me and did the whole romance thing and swept me off my feet. I was stoked that someone who was older and more mature than me actually liked me and wanted to be with me. I assumed incorrectly that someone who was 38 would be mature in every way because their were older. That I could learn and mature with him because he would teach me things about life. Ridiculous I know but thats where my head was at. 

Now at 28 I was quite immature and just living each day as it comes, not really looking at the future and I had no interest at all in becoming a mother as I wasnt really maternal.
So after one year my husband proposes and I say yes. He wanted a quick engagement I wanted a long one but gave in and we got married within I think about 6 months.

Then he wanted kids because he felt that he was getting older. I told him for months to stop asking me to have his kids as I felt I wasnt mature or patient enough to look after them or even one of them. Plus I hated the way he was trying to make me feel guilty so I could have his children So we got a dog. He never fed or walked the dog I did. (that should have been a big red flag but it wasnt). 

Anyway I found myself in a position where I wanted to leave the job I had as I hated it. After months of my husband trying to guilt me into having a child (his parents died when he was a teenager and he has no family) He convinced me to stay at the job and use their maternity leave because if I got another job I would have to wait another twelve months before I could get it. So day after day after him going on about him not having a family to call his own, I reluctantly gave in on the one condition - If I ever felt stressed out and needed to leave and go out and be by myself to do anything - whether it be read a book, go to yoga or something just anything by myself I could hand him the baby and have a break. He wholeheartedly agreed to this one condition. My biggest fear was having a baby and not being able to emotionally give my child everything he/she needed if I was stressed. I was also hoping, like everyone told me, that it would take at least 12 months to get pregnant, so I thought I could work with that.

Well I got pregnant the first time we tried. Then came my beautiful son. After a year and a half things were ok, a little stressed but ok. My husband was home at night and I never felt the need to go out and leave my son with my husband...It wasnt perfect but I was coping. (All my family live in another state and I dont have any friends here so I relied on my husband for support). 

So he starts going on about another baby. I wasnt so sure, it was hard with one and I wasnt sure about looking after 2. But again he promised with every cell in his body if I ever got stressed or needed a break he would be there for me no questions asked.

Then comes baby no 2. Another beautiful boy. He came 3 months early. A very stressful time indeed. More stress than I can ever imagine a person could go through. Everyone is different and I must stress that I have never dealt or coped with stressful situations, I have always left, whether it be an argument with a boyfriend or a bad customer, fight with my sister, whatever the stressful situation was in my life I just left as it was so much easier than dealing with it.

I need to also note here that when baby no 2 came along my husband decided instead of taking a few weeks off work to look after me as I had an emergency c section and couldnt drive or walk far but still had to go to the hospital everyday to give my breast milk to my premmie baby, that he would fly my mother interstate to look after me. He did this so as he put it 'i can save my holidays to actually go on a holiday'. I was mortified but happy to see my mum.

Now my dad has never been apart from my mum in the 40 years they have been married. As he works he couldnt take time off to stay with myself and mum. So it was 6 weeks of hell for my dad being at home by himself to do all the things my mum has done for him. But hey as long as my husband got to have a holiday later in the year - who cares right?

So after baby no 2 was born my husband bought a pub and decided he would work 75 hours a week. This was nearly 2 years ago.

Since having my children, I feel lost. I dont have any friends, my family lives interstate and all I hear all the time is whinging, screaming, complaining and fighting between my two boys. Now I know this is probably normal but its still stressful all the same.

My husband has absolutely NO interest in having sex. He has no interest in cleaning the house and apparently doesnt know how to cook which is strange seeing as he lived by himself since he was 16 year old. 

Now everyone kept asking me if I had post natal depression and I kept saying no because I wasnt depressed I was cranky, livid and really pissed off at the situation he put me in. He told me when he bought the pub that he wouldnt have to work long hours and our financial security would be fine as it was a well established pub making lots of money. He went into this business with 2 other partners.

Since the Global financial crisis, the pub isnt making money, my husband is still never home, I still dont have any friends, my husband ignores me on a daily basis. I have had sex 8 times in 4 years and every morning I wake up to groundhog day I just sit and fume about the situation he has put me in. (I do admit that I also must take responsibility for thinking that my husband would actually help me like he said he would, even though he hasnt).

So basically I am in a relationship where I do everything, I am a little desperate housewife. This is my worst nightmare. I am basically a slave to him. Because he works so long its like a passive agressive way to keep me home instead of saying no you cant go out and get a life and be happy. It seems that as long as his needs are being met than he is happy.

It took about a year for him to agree to go to counselling, we went to 4 sessions as we couldnt afford more. When it came time to discuss all the lies over the years that I have caught my husband out on all of a sudden he tells me that we cant afford counselling. So we never went back. 

I am 99.9 % sure I want a divorce but my problem is I dont know what to do. He wont let me leave and move back interstate to be closer to my support network - my family - and he says if I want to leave I can, but dont even think about taking the kids. 

I dont want a messy divorce, I dont want anger, resentment and all that crap that comes from divorce. I just think after sacrificing my needs and wants to meet his needs and wants I now resent him for it.

I am 34 years old and feel like I am 80. I shouldnt be feeling this way. I know my kids after suffering (they are 2 & 4) because mummy isnt happy but I dont have any support and I dont want to go to the mothers groups to meet friends as I dont want to talk about children. I want to be able to meet people and be friends with them as 'me' not as a 'mother'.

So what is one to do? Is this a normal marriage? Am I being selfish in wanting my needs met? 

My needs are pretty basic - I want my husband to actually WANT to have sex with me. Dont get me wrong, he doesnt have to think about me whilst doing it as long as we are doing it. Having sex without having someone put me down with things like - oh your legs are too scratchy because you shaved yesterday and not today, or hold your stomach in because its in the way, I could go on but they are pretty crap insults that I dont make me feel good about myself. 

When he comes home instead of sitting infront of the tv for 10 mins and then falling asleep on the lounge he wants to perhaps hold my hand or cuddle me whilst watching tv. 
I think Im trying to say be acknowledged for me, not because I raise his children and do all the cooking and cleaning because he is never home.

I think I have lost all my self esteem, I dont know how to have a normal conversation like i used to. I used to love meeting new people, now after being a stay at home mum by myself for 4 years Im a little agrophobic - not a lot - but I prefer to stay home with the kids instead of taking them to the shop and then having a tantrum infront of everyone. Then after I have had a conversation with someone whether it was the person who served me at the shop or a nighbour, my mind always thinks later on, did I sound like an idiot and then I put myself down so then I dont go out because I think people Im an idiot or a bad mother.

Anyway I guess I just want to hear from someone. I know that if I was reading what have just written my advice would be just leave, but seeing as my husband looks after all the financial stuff I cant just leave. Plus I think the threats in the past about what would happen if I leave are still in the back of my mind even though they might have been said in a defensive way instead of a real threat.


Can someone let me know if my marriage is normal, am I being selfish? I honestly thought that if I gave my husband the family he always wanted he would love me unconditionally. But I guess that isnt the case. But what do I do? Do I continue to sacrifice my happiness and hope that if I do leave that I will be happy. Do I stay and try to make it work, even though I know he wont/cant love me the way I need to be loved.
Do I find happiness and my self esteem and then leave? I just dont want my kids to grow up and think that this relationship that their parents have is normal. Im very much a touchy feely person but not having that for years now is very isolating and almost like a rejection to me. I guess the feeling and realisation that the person I love/ or loved in the past has betrayed me makes me sound like a 16 year old boy waiting for her immature boyfriend to change.

Any ideas or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thankyou in advance for listening to my garbage I hope I havent ruined your day


----------



## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

I think you are an incredible woman taking care of two little boys with no support. I think you have the patience of a saint for putting up with his insults. Some men don't like sex or have little interest but to blame that on you is not fair at all.

He wanted children yet doesn't take part in parenting them. That is not fair to you or to the boys.

I can tell you that as they grow older, it will become easier to care for them.

I would take the boys and go live with my parents. You need help. Your parents have to back you up. I'm not saying get a divorce, tell everyone, I need to stay with my family right now because having two small children with no back up or support is too rough right now, I need help. Well, that is what I would do, even if it were only for a couple weeks.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

nikki6363 said:


> I am 99.9 % sure I want a divorce but my problem is I dont know what to do. He wont let me leave and move back interstate to be closer to my support network - my family - and he says if I want to leave I can, but dont even think about taking the kids.


Sorry to hear about your situation. I just wanted to comment on the threat/comment he made about taking the children. I am not sure where you live (you sound South African to me but I might be imagining it) but the law in most places favours the mother when it comes to custody. 

I am not sure what you should do but I do know that you should not allow threats and manipulation to affect your decisions.


----------

