# UPDATE: Not blaming myself



## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Not sure where to start....I posted last week about blaming myself for my H's EA. I have moved past that emotion. I know I had nothing to do with his actions or how he behaved.

My H and I have been together for 22 yrs and married for 17. We have 2 boys (16 and 14). I was so blind by our "happiness" that it took me 4 1/2 mo. befor I noticed that small changes were taking place. For anyone new to this the small charges are HUGE...changing underware preferences, losing wight, decreased time spent with you and less intimate contact.

A week b/4 Dday I had my suspicions and told my bff and she couldn't believe it. "NO way" she said not your husband he wouldn't do anything like that. Well, 4 days later I found my proof on his cell phone. It has been a rough 3 wks and I have been thru many emotions and the hardest part is never knowing what emotion I will be in at any given time. I have been lucky w/the support of my bff ( she has listened to all my rants).

At this time my H and I are working thru this...he has listened and cried with me. We have talked and talked. He is remorseful and sorry. He is telling me many times a day that he is sorry (sorry for doing it and sorry for hurting me). I have asked him how he would feel if he had read those same text messages on my phone - I think that is when it hit "home" for him. He has deleted the OMW # and all communication has stopped (except when he has to work with her on the same line). I've explained how hard that is for me.

I've also taked of my fear of not getting thru this as my trust has been broken (he had the same fear) and I'm not going to just let it go way to make him feel better. I'm going to ask questions and check his phone as often as I feel I need to. He had no problem with this and has started to call or text me where he is, how long he will be, and when he expects to be home.

The only thing that is standing in my way at this time is understanding how you can profess his LOVE to the OW and be over it just like that!!! Is this the fog effect that is writen about?

Anyway, We are taking it one day at a time. .


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He isn't over it. He has either been forced to choose, and chose you, or he may (like my H) exchange fishing messages and be back where he started.

It is extremely difficult to quit an affair cold turkey, especially where the word love is used. You should have a healthy skepticism that it's over and will stay over right now.

Has he written a No Contact letter using the form here and have you sent it to the OW?

Have you located a pro-marriage, infidelity-trained counselor?

Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?
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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I did make him choose. He chose me because he didn't want lose 22 yrs with me. what is "fishing messages"?

No he didn't do a contract letter. he broke it off after work.

I don't believe in counslers. I have had nothing but bad experiences with them.

I will look into the book. Thanks.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

A no contact letter is where he coldly, officially breaks off the relationship in his handwriting by telling her how inappropriate the relationship is. There are forms around here is you want an example.

There are awful counselors and excellent counselors. My H and I are making great progess in reconciling and a lot of that is due to our terrific counselor. I found him via referrals from sex / porn addiction counselors, my H is neither but such counselors are educated about affairs and would hold your H accountable.

Fishing means sending out messages between affair partners: are you ok? I miss you! Etc. They are sent with the guilty feeling that they are very wrong, but the two affair partners can't resist temptation and they go right back to where they were.

We know he chose you, what we don't know (unless you are verifying) is whether he also chose to continue the affair behind your back. That is what my H chose, at first. Like your H mine was infatuated. It took me catching him a second time before he woke up and truly chose me. There is no real way to tell the difference (at the beginning) except verifying they are being honest.
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Also if you look at Almostrecovered's signature, he has a list of how to tell true remorse.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I did a No Contact letter to the OW. 

It was one of the hardest things I ever did. 

She came to visit me. Christ, she was so angry, hurt and upset. We talked for a long time in a park. I apologised for hurting her.

I never saw or heard from her again.

A mutual friend let slip that she had moved out of the area back to her home town.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

I have asked....althought im taking him at his word his is not fishing.....he has been very adament there is NO more commumication. Believe me when i say this....it is not easy to believe but i have to start somewhere for the forgiveness to start. When he ended it the the ow was crushed and cried but told him she respected his decision and would live him alone. Again very hard on my end to just believe. He is showing me every day how much he wants this and he knows that if its to work he HAS to be done. Any more im done and out!!!!!
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just understand that cheaters lie. Their word cannot be trusted, not until a great deal of time has passed and they have earned back the trust.

How do they earn trust? By their actions. You can't be sure of no contact if you don't verify. It takes at least 4 to 6 weeks for the most powerful feelings of infatuation to wear off. Hold him accountable. You aren't going to do this forever; just until the worst of the temptation period is over and then less and less frequently after that.

I'd say my counselor recommended this too, but you don't believe inthem.
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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry you are here. It certainly sounds like he is doing everything he can. I am happy that he is showing remorse and being transparent.

Good luck and realize this will take time and be filled with ups and downs.


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