# I need urgent advice



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Hi

I am practicing the no more nice guy method and it works very well. I am facing now a situation and I don't know how to react:

Just few minutes ago, my wife yelled at me in a very rude way in public, next to my best friend. She had yelled at me in public before (i.e. pre me stopping being nice guy) but never like that.

How should I react?

I really will take any good advice.

Thanks!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Anyone???


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Anyone???


It's all about setting boundaries. Have you told her before that she should not address you that way in public? If so, you need to sit her down the next time you are alone and calmly spell out that her yelling was disrespectful and that you do not consider it acceptable treatment by her.

Then you identify a consequence that you can live with if it happens again. This consequence could be as stern as filing for divorce or as simple as promising to either leave her alone at the event (or make her leave if it's somewhere you want to stay.)

Set boundaries with consequences. Nothing you can do right now to have magic words for this event, but you can set the stage for better interaction at future events. Good luck.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thank you tex! This is what I am confused about - what type of consequences I can apply when I am sitting and talking to my friend and she gets there and starts to yell at me.

Should I get up and walk out?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Choose:

Smile and ignore her.

Look at her stone faced and ask,
"Would you think its appropriate for me to treat you that way in front of your friends?" Then end it. Tell her you'll talk about it later.

Or,

Take ownership (if you really messed something up) apologize, and then let her know that you don't appreciate how she brought it to you, and you WON'T respond well if she chooses to react that way again. She showed no respect for you under the circumstances.

If she continues to escalate, leave, don't take her calls. Don't go home for several hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There is only one way to treat this. I have this problem of being yelled at but not exactly in pubic. Have something always ready to yell back. Make sure its 'strong' enough. She wont do it again if she knows she gets double back.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't agree with not going home for several hours. Seems like a rather vindictive course of action. Running away from the problem will not solve it.

My husband will not speak to me if I am shouting or being disrespectful, so if I want to have a discusssion, I have to speak softly and calmly.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think it’s best to treat an adult who’s behaving like a child, as a child but in a jokey way. “Anymore of that behaviour and I’ll stop your pocket money”. “Continue with that stuff and you’re grounded for a week”. “Just wait till I get you home you’re in for a spanking”.

All said with a smile on your face.




A lot of these things are to do with our ego. In that they hurt our ego, we’re on the back foot in defence mode and we’re not sure what to do about it. There are many ways of handling it, take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html. Like all things practice makes perfect, so take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/35517-four-stages-competence.html.

Ego defence mechanisms are a part of our boundaries. We have boundaries around our ego to protect it, much like our fists protect our body. To learn about boundaries take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Guys, thank you for your advice.

I didn't tell her anything yet. When I got home (she was home already) she acted affectionately (as she does lately, since I stopped being a nice guy) but I am still angry and upset.

What's more, today is our anniversary.

I just want to go to sleep. She asks me where are we going and I keep on pushing it off.

BAD STUFF.

So should I just get over myself? I always have such a hard time. I guess this is what I need to do and bring it up fairly soon to clarify what she did wrong.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Still didn't deal with it.

You know? I wrote about it in the past. The "no more nice guy" method basically expect you to do all of the heavy lifting all the time. You are becoming a little bit of a father, a teacher and what's not. You have to set boundaries, while she will continue her "fitness tests". When everything is fine and she finally learns that you are an alpha male, you will much less of those but whenever another one will come you will have to deal with it again.

But then, sometimes, like yesterday, I was just not in the mood of being an alpha male, I didn't want to set boundaries, I just wanted that SHE will finally start treating me like she should, without me always being the "educator".

And so she didn't, as she never does. 

I can never come to her and say "you hurt me" and hear a genuine apology. Instead I have to say "don't do xyz again".

So instead of talking about it, I was crabby the entire day yesterday. This morning my wife told me that it's sad that this is how I acted, and I reply that it is sad but I need some time for myself to be sad.

I didn't even think of telling her WHY I am sad cause that will only get her to start bashing me again.

So here I am, sitting and writing this, an alpha male who wants some quite time of being an alpha


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I think the next time she yells at you in public, you need to raise your eyebrows and look at her, maybe making HER feel like the child she is treating you as...tell her, in a calm voice, to take her tantrums somewhere else.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Too much time has passed since the event, you did lose your chance with this one. Its ok, but you dont bring it up and stop moping around. It will make her disrespect you more and the chances are higher she will yell at you when she doesnt respect you. I know its tiring, I know you want a break... take a break when you arent around her, dont let her see you moping around.

If it happens again, and you cant think of anything to say, excuse yourself from wherever you are and dont explain yourself to her. If you can collect yourself enough, then try one of those things mentioned by AFEH... or try sarcasm... nice sarcasm like... "can you repeat that please I really couldnt hear you!" heehee I like that one!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The concepts of Alpha and Beta are only helpful insofar as YOUR ability to understand them.

She doesn't have to. Quite frankly, I don't think any man should EVER discuss the terms Alpha and Beta
with their partner. 

The next piece, I emphasize quite often now, but many guys understandably aren't there yet.
You must be prepared to accept that leaving this relationship is a possible outcome. It may not be the 
one you want, but it may be what you need to do.

You mention that she treats you like crap ... often.

Here is what you need to understand. At this point, the issue isn't her behavior ... it's yours.
Her behavior is quite consistent, and she is comfortable with it. You are the one that is uncomfortable.

You want her to be respectful. You want her to treat you with kindness. You want her to understand that 
how she treats you, hurts your feelings.

And she doesn't.

So ... you have two simple choices.


Change how YOU interact with her, so that you are far more comfortable with those interactions and outcomes.


Or

Allow your relationship and self-esteem continue to degrade to the point where one of you is leaving the other regardless.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Deejo, I did make that decision a while ago and it did help me much. In fact I told my wife "I don't HAVE to stay with you, I will have other many nice choices to marry - I CHOOSE to stay with you and make our marriage work but you have to do your share."

I did write she used to yell at me often... the situation got so much better! And its all thanks for me stopping being a doormat. Our sex life got better and her respect to me got better.

But that incident really put me off track. I was really not ready for it. Next to my best friend! I was really hurt (and it didn't happened to me in a while).

My point is, an alpha male is the one who has to do all the work. An alpha male can't reveal to his wife that deep inside he has weaknesses too since that's her greatest fear. The main reason why she treated me like this was because she thought I was weak. Now I am strong.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired from faking up that front, because deep inside I'd really rather be the nice guy, married to a nice lady who doesn't see my niceness as weakness.

Dunno


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Stop worrying about being alpha. Next time she acts up let her know she's acting like a child and needs to have some respect you as well as herself. Then move on. Don't be baited into a discussion about it. Same type of response the next time. Oh and don't go around sulking afterwards either. Hit the gym or go for a run. Do something that can clear your head and come back in a good mood. You have to get to the point where her outburst doesn't move you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I think it’s best to treat an adult who’s behaving like a child, as a child but in a jokey way. “Anymore of that behaviour and I’ll stop your pocket money”. “Continue with that stuff and you’re grounded for a week”. “Just wait till I get you home you’re in for a spanking”.
> 
> All said with a smile on your face.
> 
> ...


Or "no dessert for you after dinner tonight."

I like this idea. But only after briefly taking with her before hand that she is often disrespectful. In the further you will not accept it and she can expect you to not interact with her, except a brief comment pointing out her tacklessness, until she appologizes and speaks to you in a respectful manner.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

joshbjoshb said:


> Deejo, I did make that decision a while ago and it did help me much. In fact I told my wife "I don't HAVE to stay with you, I will have other many nice choices to marry - I CHOOSE to stay with you and make our marriage work but you have to do your share."
> 
> I did write she used to yell at me often... the situation got so much better! And its all thanks for me stopping being a doormat. Our sex life got better and her respect to me got better.
> 
> ...


You just stated what you would rather have. Also, you said that you are strong now... your actions show otherwise... strong people do not mope. I think you are viewing the alpha thing in a skewed fashion... AFEH and Deejo pls jump in if Im off base. Its not as much about her being in fear of your weakness, but about knowing what your boundaries are for what is acceptable and what is not and upholding your expectations. Its being true to yourself and not allowing someone else treat you less than you deserve as a person of value. It may start out as an "act" to those who arent used to doing it, but its about developing your sense of self and protecting that. 

For you to mope about the whole day, is not protecting your sense of self... its trying to elicit pity or empathy from someone else to soothe you... its kind of a form of manipulation. (Oooo, Im educating myself right now as after my husband punched me, I did a little moping... perhaps I should just say "thank you sir may I have another?") 

Listen OP, Im like you in that I believe in nice being with nice as being really nice. Im the nice and I had to learn how to do this manning up of sorts but catered to my situation a bit. The reality is, you are where you are and unless you not only want to move on, but make it happen, you are where you are and you need to develop your sense of self to be able to be with someone with a "stronger" personality.

Just my 2 cents looking in through the internet window to your story....


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Stop worrying about being alpha. Next time she acts up let her know she's acting like a child and needs to have some respect you as well as herself. Then move on. Don't be baited into a discussion about it. Same type of response the next time. Oh and don't go around sulking afterwards either. Hit the gym or go for a run. Do something that can clear your head and come back in a good mood. You have to get to the point where her outburst doesn't move you.


This is the best revenge, so to speak


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You guys are so right.

Thank you for your comments.

And people, if you have some more good words for me don't hold it up. I am an alpha at home but need some manly support


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Her choosing to go off on you in front of your friend (in public?) indicates that either ....

that is just who she is, or, she simply has no expectation that there would be consequences attached by behaving in such a manner.

If I understand you, it sounds like you are trying to 'fake it til you make it.' with regard to modifying your behavior. Nothing wrong with that ... unless, the changes you are trying to make has you consistently feeling uncomfortable or unsure.

Let me reverse the scenario.

Your wife felt perfectly comfortable going off on you. Presumably, you would NEVER be ok with doing the same to her. Nor would she be ok with being treated that way.

That needs to be a boundary ... for you. If it is unacceptable behavior for you, then it should be clear to your partner that it's unacceptable as well. And importantly, there should be some consequence, or pain point associated with her deciding to ignore your boundaries.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> You guys are so right.
> 
> Thank you for your comments.
> 
> And people, if you have some more good words for me don't hold it up. I am an alpha at home but need some manly support


Forget the Alpha Beta stuff it’s not about that. And forget about your goal of being Mr Nice Guy 24x7.

It is about being Masculine.

Research and decide what being Masculine is all about and be the Man you choose to be. In being a Man you are very much more likely to keep your woman by your side.

Having a main goal, objective of being a Nice Guy 24x7 is so totally unreasonable, unattainable and has a massive down side. Just a few of them include duplicity (deceit, deception, dishonesty, disloyalty etc.) because you must always be Nice and never speak your mind if your thoughts are bad. That leads to emotional dishonesty in your relationship, saying one thing to your wife and another thing to yourself and others. Which eventually leads to a massive lost of trust and without trust the marriage will implode.

Twenty-four by seven Nice means avoiding conflicts and confrontations because you want to be The Nice Guy. That leads to unresolved problems, resentments (hatred and passive anger). It’s these latter that eventually bring the marriage down.

So set yourself attainable goals as a Man. Twenty-four by Seven Nice is not attainable. Think on Masculine Goals: The Provider, The Protector, The Dependable; The Lover; The Romantic; The Friend; goals like that and believe me it’s tough enough meeting those and you will fail some times but redeem yourself later.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Deejo, I did make that decision a while ago and it did help me much. In fact I told my wife "I don't HAVE to stay with you, I will have other many nice choices to marry - I CHOOSE to stay with you and make our marriage work but you have to do your share."
> 
> I did write she used to yell at me often... the situation got so much better! And its all thanks for me stopping being a doormat. Our sex life got better and her respect to me got better.
> 
> ...


I know it's a burden. You'd like for somebody to treat you with care and compassion simply because they love you. That's what's marriage is about. I get that.

But given your situation, you have only one solution. You have to disconnect the emotional hose. Her moods / actions should have no impact on your moods/actions. It's not ideal because you are not sharing intimately on every level. but that's not in the cards right now. You essentially have to re-train yourself. You dictate your own happiness. She can come along for the ride, if she wants. But you are the captain of the ship. 

At the end of the day, you need to act the way that you want to act. You will have achieved true independence when you have gotten to the point where her mood swings have no impact on you. That is your goal, but you have to begin with simple steps and keep moving in the right direction. Keep at it. Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

toolate said:


> Too much time has passed since the event, you did lose your chance with this one. Its ok, but you dont bring it up and stop moping around. It will make her disrespect you more and the chances are higher she will yell at you when she doesnt respect you. I know its tiring, I know you want a break... take a break when you arent around her, dont let her see you moping around.
> 
> If it happens again, and you cant think of anything to say, excuse yourself from wherever you are and dont explain yourself to her. If you can collect yourself enough, then try one of those things mentioned by AFEH... or try sarcasm... nice sarcasm like... "can you repeat that please I really couldnt hear you!" heehee I like that one!


While it may be too late to hold your wife accountable for her actions on that occassion, you can (and should IMO) use that event to outline unacceptable behavior and what the consequences will be if repeated.

You can basically hit this one of three ways: respond with your own yelling, respond in some other manner (a pointed comment to let her know she's stepped over the line), or simply refuse to engage - this last one means not that you just ignore the behavior, but rather that you do so on your terms in a clear and direct manner.

As I've gotten older and wiser, I generally did the refusal to engage. In certain situations (never in public) I did the "other response".

In public, you really should just disengage and leave her to argue with herself. You are giving her all the power by letting her dictate how, when, and where these communications will occur (in a manner very disrespectful to you). I would bet that if you do just disengage she will attempt to bait you into engaging her again (restoring her power) before she gives up.

What do I mean by disengage: simple, just walk away. You make sure you drive yourself to events and keep your keys. If she acts up walk away and do something else, or simply go home (having to flag a bus or walk a few miles will tighten her up real quick). If you have kids, involve them in your life more: let her stew by herself and see that you can be effective all by yourself. If she tries to escalate by grabbing you or blocking a doorway or car, call the police and have her removed (you don't ever want to be in a situation where you can be accused of assaulting someone).


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

DTO said:


> ...You can basically hit this one of three ways: respond with your own yelling, respond in some other manner (a pointed comment to let her know she's stepped over the line), or simply refuse to engage - this last one means not that you just ignore the behavior, but rather that you do so on your terms in a clear and direct manner...


Do not EVER yell or lose your cool. Tell her, calmly, that you will not be spoken to that way, then disengage. I learned this quite recently, and it works. At first it took all I could do to stay calm, but only by staying calm do YOU remain in control. A woman loses respect for a man with little self control.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well I have already written that one should yell back and make sure its 'double'. I did not say one should lose ones 'cool'. One can yell back without doing that and staying calm and collected.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Since all of you are so nice  I have to update you.

After reading most of the above posts, I realized that it was a huge mistake to just go around with a sad face instead of "getting up and fighting back". It was a sign of my weakness not my strength.

So... when my wife got back home on Monday morning I was back to my old self, full of energy and happiness as if nothing happened.

She really wanted to know what bothered me so much the night before. I told her something made me sad so she started saying how because of my sadness I ruined our anniversary etc. "Why were you sad?" she demanded to know.

Very calmly I told her that I am not going to tell her, because as soon as I opened up a little bit (and tole her how I felt the night before) she responded with anger instead of love and care. I explained to her that till I would not feel comfortable that I can open up to her and not worry about her using my feelings in the future for attack purposes (she is doing it all the time), I am not going to share with her my deep feelings.

She said that this is not how marriage supposed to work. I agreed and said that I also await the day when I will feel secure enough to tell her things, but she should think long and hard why I choose not share feelings with her and realize what she is doing wrong.

Anyways, we were back to very good mood, thank g-d, and I hope that things are back to normal now.

I really want to open another thread regarding all of the nice people. I came to a realization that nice guys are not doing so because they are nice but because they are actually very weak. They are constantly seeking their wives approval because they are not strong enough. They (me) think its niceness but it's not! Its weakness and fear to lead! 

No wonder why wives are so not happy with such weak people.

Think about it: we can't even stand a weak wife, we want our wife to be strong and leading in her own way (not controlling us but leading in many ways) and yet we want to be those weak people and just get approval from our wives all the time.


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## duckfeet (Jan 7, 2012)

ok, I am kinda new to this whole "no more nice guy thing", and I am amazed!! Everything that you all post makes sense, having to set boundaries, being stern etc.... I guess what is crazy to me is that there are women out there that behave like this and have to be treated like a child!!! It just floors me that ANY woman would behave like this....reality tv has warped women. No class or grace.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

gads. Am I the only one that thinks this entire approach is broken? All this posturing and posing.. getting into a pissing match with your wife?

Maybe I should just shutup since Im not prepared to rebut the 'technique', but it seems like a bad idea. Clearly your wife blew up at you because she was feeling just a tad vindictive over all your 'manly' behavior? 

Question - what was she yelling at you for? I think it is relevant here. Undeserved verbal abuse or were you being a D!ckhead? ;-)


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

anotherguy,

You got the whole system wrong. Not being a nice guy is not about being mean to your wife or having a pissing match. Its about not being a doormat.

And no, I didn't even do anything wrong to deserve that kind of treatment.

Did you ever read the book?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Stop worrying about being alpha. Next time she acts up let her know she's acting like a child and needs to have some respect you as well as herself. Then move on. Don't be baited into a discussion about it. Same type of response the next time. Oh and don't go around sulking afterwards either. Hit the gym or go for a run. Do something that can clear your head and come back in a good mood. You have to get to the point where her outburst doesn't move you.


Exactly. Good response. Someone has to behave like an adult.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> anotherguy,
> 
> You got the whole system wrong. Not being a nice guy is not about being mean to your wife or having a pissing match. Its about not being a doormat.
> 
> ...



Sorry, no.. never had the need (so far) to read 'the book'.

So - you did nothing and she was yelling? What about? Seems like I am dealing with only one side of the story here.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Sorry, no.. never had the need (so far) to read 'the book'.
> 
> So - you did nothing and she was yelling? What about? Seems like I am dealing with only one side of the story here.


Well, some people do not suffer from the "nice guy" problem and will have no clue what I am talking about.

However, whoever does will understand me right away.

And yes, many wives - mine included - are yelling or getting very angry when they are frustrated. You didn't indicate if you are married or not, but if your wife is very healthy emotionally see this as a blessing. Many wives are not.

If you do not have the problem of your wife treating you like a doormat, than you are fine. My posts are intended for those that are treated this way.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Sorry - I am NOT belittling your problem, and totally respect you not wanting to fess up on what caused the yelling. ;-)

Seriouly - I do hope you can work it out. Seems you are working on it, which is better than simply throwing up your hands.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

What's all this about "Mr. Nice Guy." I consider myself a "nice" guy, just _don't push it_. 



> "It's **** like this that's gonna bring this situation to an end, man!"- Jules(Pulp Fiction)


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> What's all this about "Mr. Nice Guy." I consider myself a "nice" guy, just _don't push it_.


It's in reference to the term "Mr Nice Guy" in Dr Robert Glover's book *No More Mr Nice Guy*. Click on the link and download a free copy of the book and read it. I think you'll find it very informative.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Josh......simple negotiation tools are perfect for this situation.

What you have to consider is the oriental concept of 'losing face' - your wife lost 'face' while she was yelling at you thereby empowering you at the moment, but at that monent you can lose your position - you don't smile, smirk, yell back, or scold her all acts that weaken you need to be passive (emotionally harder to do). A passive power response would be simply looking into eyes, never looking away, maintaing contact...square yourself to her - sit up straight, and don't betray your emotions - don't give her a blank empty stare - a slight look I'd sadness or disapointment or wonderment (practice in the mirror).....If you do what I suggest and someone walks into the situation they will see a solitary person engaged in bafoonary.

When she pauses or ends - you should say something like (in a soft/low voice) so she has to lean in to you to hear you - a trick is to say their name once or twice so she can react to the sound level in time to hear something that does not engage the argument or topic but her behavior like: "_______, _______, I am sorry that you chose to behave like this in public, it is disrespectful to you
and it demeans you" then exit the situation and don't engage her.

Now the pouting/crabby and withholding the why you are upset is VERY passive aggressive on your part, you lose face, and only makes things worse.

You should of at the first opportunity (eye to eye, squared to her)........express your feeling of disrespect, and your behavior in as few words as possible - pick a voice level and maintain it no matter her reponse and her voice levels......stress your desire to remain married (establish that not remaining married is on the table) if the present circumstances continue - suggest solutions.

Have you considered that you attempts to be Alpha has resulted in you being incresenly passive aggressive, your postings suggest that, and this is contributing in some part to your wife's behavior. 

I think couples counciling including the development of communication skills is warranted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A long, quiet, calm stare often does the job.


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