# Trying to reconcile / It's a long road



## docinabox

10 years ago I cheated on my wife with a woman I worked with. 7 years later, she found out about it as the mistress and I were chatting online. Mistress and I had been separated geographically for 5 years because we moved cross country. Poop hit the fan, dramatic month ...she emailed the mistress to never contact again...and we didn't.

The past three years I've tried doing everything I thought I could to reconcile. We're honestly doing quite well except intimacy. Intimacy has all but ceased on a sexual level. She loves the massages I've always given, or other sweet things. She kisses me everytime I leave for work etc, and truly loves me...but intimacy is gone.

I'm angry because I've always felt that relationships are a two way street, and she was progressively becoming more of a taker as the years went by (Currently 20 years together) I'm angry because I spoil her and don't get the same treatment back. I'm angry because I feel like I work hard physically and I work hard on all those sweet things a man should do for his woman, and I take the time to listen and talk to her....yet it's always been this way....she takes, I give...

The mistress gave....and I gave back. I'm regretful, but want to fix what caused it to begin with. Wife hates the idea of counseling and books, and plans...refuses all methods of trying to improve our life.

To that I scratch my head to all the people who outright refused what their mate is begging from them....Why would someone refuse to take care of their mate and then be surprised when their spouse cheats? 

20 Years...is that worth disposing of? How do I get back what I've destroyed and fix the problem that I used as an "excuse" to begin with? 

Any and all thoughts would be great.


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## lostwithouthim

You are in a similar situation to what I was, until he left me recently. I regret not going to see a counsellor now after the husband's affair, but at the time I felt that I didn't need it. If you are interested in counselling and she isn't then go on your own to see a marriage counsellor. Eventually she may come round and decide to go with you. Don't bottle it up inside, explain to her how you feel. My husband didn't tell me how he felt and so the separation came as a total shock to me! You need to be cruel to be kind, tell her that you feel this marriage is not working and does she still want to be with you. Get her to open up for the sake of your marriage. Make sure that when you are having a conversation like that, you are not in a rush to go anywhere and you both have time to have a proper chat. You need to realise like I did that she probably doesn't trust you entirely and thinks you are going to go off with another woman. Her lack of intimacy in the bedroom is probably because she knows that you've been with someone else and it feels strange to her. She's also testing you by denying you any intimacy and seeing if you'll go off again if she doesn't do anything. I know that doesn't make much sense, but that is how I felt. I just wish that at the time I went to marriage counselling on my own, but I thought you had to go as a couple and my husband thought everything was ok. Now we are separated and only time will tell whether or not he'll want to R. I regret everything that I've done and wish that I could turn back the clock and make our marriage work. Tell her that the intimacy is important to you, it is more important to a man than it is for a woman. A woman feels that she can show love by not making love, but for a man to feel wanted he needs the love making in his life.
I've recently gone to see a Christian counsellor, who will also see couples and singles whether or not they are religious or not. It doesn't take as long as groups like relate and isn't as expensive. You just pay what you can afford. My sessions should be £15, but I can't afford that right now and so she is happy to still counsel me. If my husband does want to R, then one of the conditions would be that we go and see a marriage counsellor either together or separate. Hope this helps!


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## allwillbewell

I see a number of problems in your description of your relationship:
1) you had a PA for how long? which morphed into a EA simply because of distance which your wife finds out about. Continuing contact via internet with OW IS cheating. So you had basically checked out of your marriage on one level or another for what? 7 years? 
2) You're angry because you claim its all give on your part since reconciliation. However, you took plenty from your wife for how long?: her dignity, her validity, her self-worth, her value, her sexual confidence during your affair. And then you wonder why she avoids intimacy? By your deceit, you robbed your wife of her ability to choose what kind of life she led, what her life actually meant. 
3) You justify your affair by claiming your wife didn't give you what you needed. FYI, there is never a justification to have an affair. You had a choice: effectively communicate your needs, your unhappiness, your desire to fix marriage, get MC, or file for divorce. That is the honorable way to get your needs met. And now YOU are angry? Man up and take the consequences of your behavior and be patient. It can take years for the BS to get over the trauma of betrayal, the humiliation, the loss of confidence and esteem...you're lucky she even kisses you at all and didn't file for divorce! You're lucky that reconciliation is happening at all on ANY level. 

Perhaps you feel you have given enough, but have you expressed appreciation for the things she does do right on a non-sexual level? Sexually, have you communicated a sincere desire for your wife, that she is sexy, appealing to you? Are you sure you had met her sexual needs previously to the A in the way SHE required and not the way you thought was sufficient? Some BSs actually feel repulsed by the touch of their former WS; have you asked her if this is the case or what she would actually like you to do? Foreplay starts in the head for most women and you have a lot of reassuring to do to make up for what you made very plain to your wife: that you preferred another women emotionally, sexually to her, that you did not care enough about her to be honest and insist on fixing your marriage, that she had no value to you while you satisfied your needs. Sorry to be so hard on you, but having been a betrayed spouse myself, I find it hard to have sympathy for you. 

Have YOU read any counseling books on the aftermath of an affair? They may give you some perspective on her emotional state. Leave them where she know they are: my bet is that curiosity will lead her to read them when she is alone. I agree her unwillingness to go to MC, or even read books is a problem, but remember her pride and dignity may have been destroyed and many people feel resorting to MC is an expression of one more failure, and besides, it may be her way of controlling at least one thing in her life.

Personally, I still sometimes trigger negatively to my husbands lovemaking after 2 years of R because the knowledge that he withdrew from me and gave to another the highest form of intimacy that marriage vows promise and that I could gift him. I would respectfully suggest you read anything you can on how to reignite desire (especially after betrayal) and perhaps communicate more of your remorse, love and commitment than your anger, frustration or demands to have your sexual needs met. I do understand that sexual fulfillment is important for both partners in marriage, its the glue that hold the bonds together...so this is serious for you. But keep in mind you betrayed your wife on this very basic level and have to work long and hard to regain her trust before intimacy can be restored. Believe me, I've been there, done that, still struggling and it takes a long time for the anger, hurt, resentment, distrust, fear and grief to subside for a betrayed spouse. Good Luck.


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