# Question on the NC letter's importance



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I am not trying to be sarcastic, nor am I in a position to need one but I do have a question regarding NC letters.

Why is there so much emphasis on a NC letter. Here is why I ask..

If the cheating spouse is covert enough then they could easily do the following:

1- Write the letter in the harshes term possible.
2- Have you proof read it.
3- Send it however you want
4- Call the person the next day and tell them to not believe any of it. That you were just trying to get your spouse to back off
5-Go deep underground and continue


I know all the other stuff like key logger, VAR, etc

If I had to go to those lenghts,, I don't believe I would belong in the marriage anyway.. I would belong in the CIA.

The letter, to me, doesn't really mean much... just like a marriage license is meaningless unless there is true conviction behind it.

I quess I just don't understand why the 'letter' seems to be like sunlight to a vampire.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A NC letter isn't about "breaking up" it more about what is being done is wrong. An admmission that the behavior is wrong. Validating that in fact the betrayed was wronged and why the betrayed is better then the AP.

Often the NC letter turns into an apoligy in why they can't be together, were in fact its a statement that the betrayed spouse is better then the AP and why.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I see it as a symbol of the WS's true repentance. Whether they are even willing to do one tells a lot. Whether they stick to it tells a lot.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The sunlight to the vampire is being told that the spouse is infact better then the AP and the details to these fact can be painful to the AP.

Again if done right, the NC letter is a statement ment to piss off the AP and not making them feel better with the "break up".


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The way I see it, this isn't about a break up between BF and GF, this is about a spouse going back to their marriage and there wasn't one thing good about the deciet and betrayal that made up the affair. So an NC letter isn't about breaking up, its about stopping very unhealthy and unmoral behaviors.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

theguy,

I understand this.. but like I say.. it can be as harsh as you want to make it.. but if there is no REAL conviction behind it then it is meaningless.

I know that if the ww spouse wouldn't write it that would be a huge red flag.. but if they write it and then told the AP that they did it to throw the BS off their scent, it is nothing but a ploy.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ostera said:


> I am not trying to be sarcastic, nor am I in a position to need one but I do have a question regarding NC letters.
> 
> Why is there so much emphasis on a NC letter. Here is why I ask..
> 
> ...


I cheated on my wife and I wrote what I now know was a NC letter to the OW. Nobody told me to. I just knew I had to.

I did not write it for my wife's benefit. I wrote it for my benefit as a way of closing the affair down 100%.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ostera said:


> theguy,
> I know that if the ww spouse wouldn't write it that would be a huge red flag.. but if they write it and then told the AP that they did it to throw the BS off their scent, it is nothing but a ploy.


That is why the BS verifies that the WS truly has ended it. You can't take the WS at their word right after you discover the affair. That doesn't happen for a few months. Or longer. But the beauty of it is that, if the WS DOES maintain NC for those months, the trust is building again.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If a spouse is truly remorseful the NC letter is a powerful symbol and almost a cleansing of sorts in the WS' mind. Its a very important part of a spouse rededicating themselves to the BS and to the marriage. It makes a true R that much more likely. If what you suggest takes place then the WS wasn't remorseful at all and they will eventually be discovered anyway. The NC letter is not a hammer, its a set of blinders that help the WS to focus on the marriage but can be removed at any time thereby breaking the R.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I cheated on my wife and I wrote what I now know was a NC letter to the OW. Nobody told me to. I just knew I had to.
> 
> I did not write it for my wife's benefit. I write it for my benefit as a way of closing the affair down 100%.


thank you for the reply.. you did it for you and I respect that. 

I guess what I am saying is that some may do it just to appease the BS with no real meaning behind it.

There are some real devious people out there, this is why I ask.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ostera said:


> theguy,
> 
> I understand this.. but like I say.. it can be as harsh as you want to make it.. but if there is no REAL conviction behind it then it is meaningless.
> 
> I know that if the ww spouse wouldn't write it that would be a huge red flag.. but if they write it and then told the AP that they did it to throw the BS off their scent, it is nothing but a ploy.



Granted it could be a ploy, but if worded right even if it was a ploy...words hurt, especially words of fact.

Fact in a NC letter would include deciet, betrayal, dishonest, all the wrong reasons. and my spouse loves me.

There are factual statements that need to be ...must be added in a NC letter, like the hurt goes far behond spouses, but kids and inlaws and friends.....

These are facts and no matter how much the NC letter writer wants to retract, the words in an effective NC letter are factual and may not be sunlight to the affair but at the very least, the crucifix that makes a vampire grinch.

So sure an NC letter may not completely distroy the affair but if done correctly the facts along will make the affair uncomfortable. And that my friend is a start.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ostera said:


> thank you for the reply.. you did it for you and I respect that.
> 
> I guess what I am saying is that some may do it just to appease the BS with no real meaning behind it.
> 
> There are some real devious people out there, this is why I ask.


I can't recall if I told my wife I had sent the letter. My OW was very angry. Apparently she had convinced herself that -even before I had got married!- that I was going to be the ideal father for her 2 kids.

She came and shouted at me for a long time... I took her anger because I had hurt her and I felt I deserved it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I think you are looking at it wrong. It is just as important to the BS as the WS. A relationship should be 50/50. Yes, there are times where those percentages move. In this it is an equal contract IMO.

NC means we are going to work on our marriage. Any reciprocal contact means you weren't worthy of the reconciliation.

So, if you hide and are caught it shows what you are about. Yes, people are going to use it as a way to appease someone. That can be said about anything you do in a divorce, marriage or separation.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Ostera said:


> I am not trying to be sarcastic, nor am I in a position to need one but I do have a question regarding NC letters.
> 
> Why is there so much emphasis on a NC letter.
> 
> I quess I just don't understand why the 'letter' seems to be like sunlight to a vampire.


Exposure is the sunlight to a vampire.

Anyone can cheat. WS's have done everything that is to be done and still cheat because they just went through the motions for appearances.

No onto NC letters.

Anyone can pick up a phone. Send a text, or email. Things that are easy to do are treated lightly.

To sit done, get a sheet of paper, write out long hand a letter, addressing an envelop, postage, put in the letter in the mail, delivery, is a high effort, high time consuming operation.

This effort makes recieving a letter as a thing of importance. A cold business like letter stating the affair was wrong, it is now over, I suffer for the great pain I caused my BS, has brought about the need for NC forever.

A letter prevents the opportunity to have a closure bang.
A letter also prevents the OP from trying to convince the WS that NC is not needed, or we can just be friends, last chance to leasve the BS.

The letter denies the OP from engaging in the closure. The OP is dismissed in an ice cold manner.

The seriousness and effort that it took to send the NC letter hits the OP with a hard dose of reality.

The NC letter shows the BS that the WS is ready to start doing some heavy lifting for recovery.

The NC letter sets the stage for the persistant OP as proof to get an RO against the OP when they attempt to break NC.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sure, a WS can contact the AP & say they retract the NC letter.
However, if a NC letter is worded strongly enough, it should make the AP think about the lies that the WS would have told them to justify the affair.

Just think, the WS probably told the AP that they had no real relationship with their SO, even if they told them there was a SO. Now they get a letter stating that the WS is committed to the marriage & cannot continue in the affair.

The WS then rings the AP to state that they had to send the letter to get their SO to back off & they are going to have to lie low for a while. Would that not cause the AP to think that perhaps the WS had been lying to them all along? At the very least, the WS has to do some fast talking to come up with more lies to keep the AP happy.

The BS has to keep verifying for some time after the affair has finished, should they find the NC letter was actually a bluff, they will need to consider that the marriage has finished anyway.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bellavista said:


> Sure, a WS can contact the AP & say they retract the NC letter.
> However, if a NC letter is worded strongly enough, it should make the AP think about the lies that the WS would have told them to justify the affair.
> 
> Just think, the WS probably told the AP that they had no real relationship with their SO, even if they told them there was a SO. Now they get a letter stating that the WS is committed to the marriage & cannot continue in the affair.
> ...


So there you go, not only does the NC letter make the affair uncomfortable, but it also makes it inconvienent when the AP starts to second guess the waywards agenda.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Thanks everyone.. there are some deep thougths here that I did not consider.. I see how it would make the AP uncomfortable and give them pause...


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Didn't realize NC letter was so important. I had asked my WH when i found this website to write NC to OW. He did not. I asked him again couple of days ago and he said he will when the right time comes as he knows I will still bring this topic again.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Didn't realize NC letter was so important. I had asked my WH when i found this website to write NC to OW. He did not. I asked him again couple of days ago and he said he will when the right time comes as he knows I will still bring this topic again.


From what I have read regarding the responses, wouldn't this be considered a huge red flag?

When 'would be' the right time?

Can you elaborate?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

whywhy804 said:


> Didn't realize NC letter was so important. I had asked my WH when i found this website to write NC to OW. He did not. I asked him again couple of days ago and he said he will when the right time comes as he knows I will still bring this topic again.


Don't give him a choice and put your foot down. That's the problem with EA and PA vicitms IMO, we are so hurt we give them room to compromise and work on their timetable. For me, it would be "write it out or get out."

I know that sounds harsh, but he has turned you down twice. If you keep asking he continues to think he has all of the power. When he gets home from work, I'd sit down and say "we are writing NC NOW and sending it TODAY." 

If he says no, say "get your crap and comeback when you are ready to take this step."


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Didn't realize NC letter was so important. I had asked my WH when i found this website to write NC to OW. He did not. I asked him again couple of days ago and he said he will when the right time comes as he knows I will still bring this topic again.



Waiting on the NC letter is a mistake. Strike while the ink is hot. And girl, I'm saying to you--if he won't do it--it's not good (for you)

I would write it myself-really and tell him (or not) and send it. 

My WH sent a NC text after he called his OW on speaker phone in front of me. (his idea) Then he handed me his cell phone. 
Now I'm sure he could have gone underground and said to the OW, sorry I called you but my wife was there listening. I would HOPE the OW would think WTF were you trying to please your wife? Aren't you leaving her for me? 
What do you care what she thinks?

Plus on behalf of the VERY VERY few APs who get into the R w/o knowing the person is married (which I believe some just turn a blind eye and some dont care) it lets them know that the relationship is over and they are staying with their marriage-so it kind of gives them an ending. (if they take it)


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Ostera said:


> From what I have read regarding the responses, wouldn't this be considered a huge red flag?
> 
> When 'would be' the right time?
> 
> Can you elaborate?


I asked him the same question. When would be the right time? He said 'I will tell you.' Now I am at a point where I don't care if he does or not. I am here just for my kids.


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Don't give him a choice and put your foot down. That's the problem with EA and PA vicitms IMO, we are so hurt we give them room to compromise and work on their timetable. For me, it would be "write it out or get out."
> 
> I know that sounds harsh, but he has turned you down twice. If you keep asking he continues to think he has all of the power. When he gets home from work, I'd sit down and say "we are writing NC NOW and sending it TODAY."
> 
> If he says no, say "get your crap and comeback when you are ready to take this step."


I did it the first time. He gets too angry even with a mention of OM and the whole family is affected. He also becomes physically abusive. I don't know if he realizes what he has put all of us through...


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

sunshinetoday said:


> Waiting on the NC letter is a mistake. Strike while the ink is hot. And girl, I'm saying to you--if he won't do it--it's not good (for you)
> 
> I would write it myself-really and tell him (or not) and send it.
> 
> ...


I caught him talking to her last month and he told her that 'my wife is crazy and gone out of her mind. He is in this relationship because of the kids.' And the punch line was 'I miss you so much'.  May be he is not meeting her as he used to do(everyday after work) and just talk on the phone. Who cares... Well I can write who cares but hell yes... I do..


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

H wrote the NC letter about 1 year ago, but it was more anger directed at OW for not taking responsibility for "the wrong-doings" (what the hecks??). When it came to the part he said no calls, no texts, etc. it sounded so lame and there were lots of scratching outs and errors. I took it and crushed it up and threw it in the garbage (wish I hadn't so I could have some proof of his brain waves). But IMO whatever the NC letter can't do, exposure can and when combined - double whammy! - asap, is definitely the perfect solution for a BS to handle an affair situation.

By itself - NC letter:
*The WS's willingness to do one, then
* Their natural wording, etc. is VERY telling. 

So WS's attitude about and wording of NC letter can predict a false R. It even gives insight into the nature of their relationship and communication style. I think it's best to have them write it by themselves first, then you both review and edit it. But sometimes just the review alone can tell you the marriage is going to make it or not. I knew better than to send it because I could tell he did not mean it. But I exposed anyway. In exposure I wrote out the things he trickle truthed about her. Shortly after I heard him listening to a song with lyrics "...whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good" - what can I say? LOL! I knew the exposure worked. I say this now in hindsight, because I am in a false R, just found TAM too late to have know before I remarried him. I am angry at him for engaging me in a psychological chess game with 3 players (me plus him and his secret team member) that I did not sign up for.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

whywhy804 said:


> He also becomes physically abusive.


If he acts out physically, IDC if he is just throwing things or shaking you, he is wrong. You shouldn't be posting, you should be packing things up and moving into a shelter with your children. Their safety and mental health is your TOP priority IMO. Nope, not family cohesiveness when violence is involved. Especially, when the violence involved is because of the person clearly in the wrong.




> I don't know if he realizes what he has put all of us through...


I'm not sure you do either. Contrary to some of the stuff I read here, kids are very smart. No, they aren't little adults, but they learn from what they see, hear and experience. By staying in a "physically abusive" relationship you are not protecting your kids or your "family."

Even when you stay up late, send them away or wait until they are at school, they sense the tension. I know I did and my parents have been married nearly 50 years.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> I asked him the same question. When would be the right time? He said 'I will tell you.' Now I am at a point where I don't care if he does or not. I am here just for my kids.


Are you able to move and support yourself & kids? You staying for the kids is not healthy for any of you. Kids can sense tension and it could effect them the rest of their lives.

Look at some of the other posters and their relationships with the SO who has strong BPD traits.. many times those traits are devoloped from being raised in tramatic environments like yours.


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If he acts out physically, IDC if he is just throwing things or shaking you, he is wrong. You shouldn't be posting, you should be packing things up and moving into a shelter with your children. Their safety and mental health is your TOP priority IMO. Nope, not family cohesiveness when violence is involved. Especially, when the violence involved is because of the person clearly in the wrong.
> 
> 
> I'm not sure you do either. Contrary to some of the stuff I read here, kids are very smart. No, they aren't little adults, but they learn from what they see, hear and experience. By staying in a "physically abusive" relationship you are not protecting your kids or your "family."
> ...


I totally understand what you are saying as I see the fear in their eyes. I have no family around. Before coming to TAM I had shared this with a colleague of mine and now that I have changed jobs I no longer able to talk to her so much. Believe me, if I was in my country, I would have left him a long time ago. My hands are tied here... All the so called friends are there only for good times... no one is there when someone needs support.


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Ostera said:


> Are you able to move and support yourself & kids? You staying for the kids is not healthy for any of you. Kids can sense tension and it could effect them the rest of their lives.
> 
> Look at some of the other posters and their relationships with the SO who has strong BPD traits.. many times those traits are devoloped from being raised in tramatic environments like yours.


I think I will be able to support myself and my kids as I work fulltime. It will be a hard step and I am scared. I am scared to be alone and I am scared how the kids will deal with it. It is not easy when you have spent 15 years of your life giving everything to this person who did everything but kill you.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Didn't realize NC letter was so important. I had asked my WH when i found this website to write NC to OW. He did not. I asked him again couple of days ago and he said he will when the right time comes as he knows I will still bring this topic again.


The right time is soon as the WS claims to give up their OP and end the affair.

A WS that refuses to send a NC letter is a WS that has taken the affair under the radar and wants to restart the affair after the heat is off the WS.


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

theroad said:


> The right time is soon as the WS claims to give up their OP and end the affair.
> 
> A WS that refuses to send a NC letter is a WS that has taken the affair under the radar and wants to restart the affair after the heat is off the WS.


What if WS never thought/admitted it was an affair... He always says it was a friendship and she was more like a mentor at his bad times... Wake up dear hubby... couldn't you find a male mentor? 1000 lies for seeing a mentor?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

whywhy804 said:


> What if WS never thought/admitted it was an affair


 My wife told me she did nothing wrong because there was no sex. LOL. A WS will rationalize ANYTHING. I set her straight on that notion.



> He always says it was a friendship


 I told my wife "Yeah, one that I had to discover, on my own, because of a gut feeling?" "Strange how you know every opposite sex person I talk to." "Even ones that are just work acquaintances!"



> and she was more like a mentor at his bad times...


 I'd say "Weird, I thought that was in OUR vows "in good times and in bad."



> Wake up dear hubby... couldn't you find a male mentor? 1000 lies for seeing a mentor?


He's awake, he thinks you are sleeping.


----------



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> My wife told me she did nothing wrong because there was no sex. LOL. A WS will rationalize ANYTHING. I set her straight on that notion.
> 
> I told my wife "Yeah, one that I had to discover, on my own, because of a gut feeling?" "Strange how you know every opposite sex person I talk to." "Even ones that are just work acquaintances!"
> 
> ...


phillybeffandswiss: I am well awake otherwise won't be here... I know what's going on and may be closing my eyes because of the fear... of the unknown. It is a tough situation...


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Make sure you read the letter and edit it to your liking.

My STBXW prepared an email and I did not read it. Why? Because in my BH fog I trusted her since she had "seen the light". (Foolish? Yes.) To this day I still have no idea what she wrote. Probably sounded more romantic than business like.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Here is what a horrible NC letter is....written prior to him moving back in and before we knew what a NC letter is. As you can read it has many painful remarks and is quite fluffy/romantic. Written in the height of lust.......she wrote back a month later and he never responded. This was a online only EA of 3-5 weeks with a girl 13 years younger.


..........

I don't know if you'll read this or not and I don't know that it will make you feel any better if you do. Writing this was good for me, I'm feeling sad, it's still making me sad, yet all I want to do is make you feel better and I know I can't, this is my goodbye. There's so much more I'd like to say, but I'll just regress into wishes and dreams and I'd prefer to remember what we had without clouding the memory with something that can never be.

The time we had together was great, I wish it could continue, I wish we could do all the things we talked about. Everything I said to you was true, I do love you and you will always have a place in my heart. I know you are hurting right now, if there was anything I could do to stop it, I would. I mean it when I say that I'm sure you will find someone, you are a wonderful person and have a full life ahead of you still. Concentrate on getting your diploma and getting out of Iran - there's a world of good people out here that will treat you right.

I do have one confession to make. I hoped, but never fully believed we'd make it through your ultimate departure from Iran in a year and a half - the amount of pain we were going to have to endure on a daily basis for that time was something I expected would drive us apart. The double life I was leading was killing me inside, I couldn't see a way out of my marriage to be with you and I couldn't see leaving my kids. The night I got kicked out, I experienced what the pain really would be like - it was unbearable, but even then I knew there was a chance I could stop it, if I just chose to. Even with My son being sick, I was looking toward a future with you, but what I needed most of all you couldn't provide, a hug. It was a wakeup call that I had someone here that I loved and that loved me in return, a person I was causing a great deal of pain to and needed me as much as I needed her.


PS. I expect to see you excel and hope that one day I'll see your name in the news (although I expect it'll be a different last name and I won't recognize it), don't disappoint me!
PPS. I kept adding to this every time I thought I was done. This was hard to do and I don't want it to end.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I wish he could have re-written this but I knew it was symbolic at best because honestly they can ignore what they wrote and take it underground if the really want to. 

My spouse has clearly never been on the receiving end of such a heartbreak and the fact that he wrote this and forwarded it to me as "proof" of his commitment to reconcile is like salt on a wound. 

I now look at him with a sense of sadness because he is broken and only he can find the answers as to why he cheated. 

"If we want to know what anyone is like, we have only to observe on what he bestows his care and what sides of his own nature he cultivates and nourishes." I Ching wisdom


----------

