# Not sure this goes here but I think I might have ruined my marriage.



## BigRichie (Dec 30, 2013)

Background, she cheated we were reconciling and seeing a marriage counselor. Things were really good for the las two week. In fact through this whole ordeal which began in August we had only had one big blow out. It was big, she scratched up my arm adn face. I still have scars. But we had another one, over a stupid question too. She seems to be tired all the time lately. So I just asked if she felt something was wrong and would think about seeing a doc. She flipped got defensive right away. Then I got angry. We went back and forth, plus the tempures went up and down. Then I said all this for one stupid question and she started calling me names and jumping up and down, broke 2 pictures. I got angry I grabbed her wrist tld her to calm down she kicked and screamed and I then threw her on the bed. She was genuily scared. I have been graveling since, she said sorry for over reacting of course I was still apologizing. she says its ok, but I can't look myself in the mirror. I was raised never raise your hand or grab or force a woman especially your wife. Now I feel like scum, and think it would be better to leave. I will mss my kids but, I know even though she says its ok. She will never lok at me the same again. Ever. All because I was worried about her health. I never wanted my wife to feel afraid of me. I now feel like trash, and thnk I should go.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Be glad you didn't lose your temper and hit her.Otherwise sounds like you were just trying to settle her down and restrain her violent actions by forcing her on the bed. ( just by reading your paragraph)

Sounds as if she is the violent and abusive one. You two definitely have a lot of issues to work on. 

If anyone feels like trash it should not be you.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Ok she cheated... you feel bad
She is abusive... you feel bad
She is over-reacting and defensive... you feel bad

She was screwing another man and she will never look at you the same way???

Ok, there has to be a WTF moment for you here. Brother, there is no nicing her back. She did wrong. She has been absolutely disrespectful to your marriage. You are looking at this the wrong way. YOU need to lead not follow.

If you cannot control your temper, you two need to separate. You could land in big trouble for touching her. She will use it against you and try to manipulate you. That is a fact. Do not trust her. Do not give her any ammunition to use against you. I would not put it past her to swear out a restraining order on you saying you are dangerous. She scratches you again, file a police report. You should have filed one today.

Don't think that creature in your home is your wife. She may be in there somewhere, but that creature you have there can be deadly and could easily attack you.


----------



## BigRichie (Dec 30, 2013)

ok, but this is the mother of my children, the love of my life. The woman who sat next to me everyday in the hospitalf or a month while I recovered from surgery. I know she cheated but I also was distant from her and was not exactly the best husband at the time. So, ues she chose to cheat but I didn't really help her not want to. I cannot imagine being without her, also if we divorce I lose seeing my kids everyday. Lastly, I have never lived on my own my whole life and that scares me. Plus poor, no where to go.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If you weren’t the best husband you could be that does not give her a license to cheat. She could have very well stood on her own two feet, left you for those reasons and moved on with her life. She chose not to and betrayed you. Do not make excuses for that happening. She needs to own that decision. 

You know you needed to work on things to improve yourself, all you can do is work on those issues. Both of you sound like you have some anger issues. You cant sit and tell yourself she is the mother of your children, putting her on some kind of pedestal. She does need to be held accountable for her actions, just as you do. Has she always had violent outbursts towards you? You need to remain calm in the face of this sort of adversity, even if that means just walking out the door and driving around the block till you cool off. 

Has her affair ended? Do you know for sure?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

BigRichie said:


> Background, she cheated we were reconciling and seeing a marriage counselor. Things were really good for the las two week. In fact through this whole ordeal which began in August we had only had one big blow out. It was big, *she scratched up my arm adn face. I still have scars*. But we had another one, over a stupid question too. She seems to be tired all the time lately. So I just asked if she felt something was wrong and would think about seeing a doc. She flipped got defensive right away. Then I got angry. We went back and forth, plus the tempures went up and down. Then I said all this for one stupid question and *she started calling me names and jumping up and down, broke 2 pictures*. I got angry *I grabbed her wrist tld her to calm down* *she kicked and screamed* and *I then threw her on the bed*. She was genuily scared. I have been graveling since, she said sorry for over reacting of course I was still apologizing. she says its ok, but I can't look myself in the mirror. I was raised never raise your hand or grab or force a woman especially your wife. Now I feel like scum, and think it would be better to leave. I will mss my kids but, I know even though she says its ok. She will never lok at me the same again. Ever. All because I was worried about her health. I never wanted my wife to feel afraid of me. I now feel like trash, and thnk I should go.


Maybe you should both take out restraining orders against each other.

Seriously, one or the other of you is going to wind up in jail at this rate. If you can't argue without getting violent with each other, then one or the other of you should move out and have future discussions on Skype or over the phone.

Where are your kids while you're roughing each other up?


----------



## BigRichie (Dec 30, 2013)

affair is ended definetly. she wrote the letter about no contace turned over all accounts and passwords. She even let me put a tracker on her phone. She is trully sorry and is still telling me so every day or so. Now we fight over other things, seems we are trying tobasically fall in love again. I mean we love each other but you know that passionate love. But, our quirks that annoy the other seem to be getting in the way. The big ones are I am a talker who wants to talk things out. She just wants to say sorry and spend time alone and thats it. Well that does not work for me and talking doesnt work for her. I have started to give her that soace but anytime I try to talk she gets defensive immediately. Like this one. All it was was me asking her if maybe she should see a doctor about being tired alot. She is only 35 and if she does not get 9 hours of sleep she id dead tired by noon. Not just tired I mean so tired she will cry if something comes up that is stressful. Something not right imo, but she wont see it. So I either wait until what ever this is to kill or something to her or convince her to see a doc. But right now we are sleeping in different rooms. I am afraid to touch her cause I scared her and do not want to make it worse. The past 6 months have sucked until the first 3 weeks of december we seemed to get our mojo back. Then this. Im tired.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

BigRichie said:


> I know she cheated but I also was distant from her and was not exactly the best husband at the time. So, ues she chose to cheat but I didn't really help her not want to


when I see this phrase in new comers I always know they have to read and memorize *"No More Mister Nice Guy"*.

if you choose to reconcile, is okay as long as is done under the right circumstances.

did you expose her affair to OMW and you and her family?


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BigRichie said:


> ok, but this is the mother of my children, the love of my life. The woman who sat next to me everyday in the hospitalf or a month while I recovered from surgery. I know she cheated but I also was distant from her and was not exactly the best husband at the time. So, ues she chose to cheat but I didn't really help her not want to. I cannot imagine being without her, also if we divorce I lose seeing my kids everyday. Lastly, I have never lived on my own my whole life and that scares me. Plus poor, no where to go.


Okay you weren't great. Nobody is great, not all the time.

I'm not going to spell out what you're doing wrong in the way you are dealing with this - because it's far too many things.

There is a list of must do's for the newly betrayed spouse to see on here that somebody might be so good as to put here.

Do EVERY single thing on it or you have no hope at all - *NONE* 

I'll pick out juts one part of your story that will shake you up. I bet that same woman who sat at your hospital bedside, upon leaving you there went home organised the kids and fked the OM while you were there ill under surgery !

No man in history EVER saved his marriage by 'nicing' up to his wayward wife - *NONE* there are *NO exeptions* 

You need to understand what you are dealing with here brother and luckilly for you, you have arrived at this place which although will give you advice you don't want to hear, will probably save your life too. 

listen to all that comes your way.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Found it

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Fact is pal you say she says sorry everyday, but when you talk she attacks you, abuses you?
Sure, you never put your hands on a woman, but that is not the reason why you are where you are right now.

Why are you angry? Why is she angry? Why did she cheat? There are lots of pieces to pick up after such a betrayal but both parties must be in it for the right reasons and from what you describe it seems you're doing it simply because you don't want to be alone, and that is the wrong reason.

You'll never be out of your kids lives, but for everyone's health it's better they not grow up in a toxic environment. No?


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BigRichie,

I'm going to tell you in a way hopefully you will get.

Take the kids out of the equation for a minute.

Your wife promised to love you, to respect you, to honor and obey you and you did the same to/for her. Neither of you were perfect but one of you trashed your vows and hence you are here looking for advice.

She betrayed you, utterly... She was telling the OM your flaws when she was getting kinky sex with him while you were working to support her and the kids. That is not the picture of her that you see when you look at her but nevertheless that is a facet of her just as much as she is the mother of your children.

So you want to fix things. You have to look at your wife and take off those rose colored glasses. She has been a cheating 'ho'. She didn't care what you did, what happens to your kids, not one bit. She was absolutely irresponsible. You may not have been the best husband but now you aren't even being a man. You are being a little boy pretending that you pee standing up.

There is no nicing her back to who she was.

What she did has to be dealt with. IF you start talking about it and she gets mad and starts getting violent, you need to tell her that she will have to pack her stuff and get out. You may have to call the police. She will have no qualms on doing it to you if things go south and you need to be prepared for things going south. 

The only chance for a R is if she is truly remorseful. Her actions need to be dealt with and not swept under the rug. Discussing them is good and if you have to ask a question 1000 times, then she will have to answer 1000 times. You may stop asking because you need to know the answer. You may be asking because you are trying to release the pain of the betrayal and sharing that with her will help you bond.

If she gets mad then she is not remorseful. She is selfish. That needs to be dealt with. The affair isn't about her it's about her betrayal.

On the other hand of this, you have an idea of how you can improve to be a better husband. You have an idea of how to make your marriage better. You cannot get to that point until you deal with the 800 lb. Elephant in the room. Her affair needs to be dealt with, discussed and you need to work out your emotions.

You believe the affair is dead. Why? Was she dumped? The OM didn't want her baggage, (your kids and her crazy ass temper)? She can go find another OM that might... Just because this one might be over doesn't mean her attitude has changed. It can be lying there underneath it all waiting to emerge.

She has issues (her temper, her infidelity)... They need to be addressed. Don't look at her like she is your soul mate. She is replaceable. If you want her to be your lovely wife, then she needs to do her part as well. *You don't coddle her through this. If you do she will lose respect for you and you are done!*

You have to gain her respect back. If she respects you, she may not cheat. If she doesn't, she probably will. The choice for R is long and hard but can be worth it. You need to change your attitude, be strong, be a man and lead by example. When you are holding her and your feet to the fire, remember she is your wife and it is ok to tell her you love her because you do. Good luck brother.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The both of you need to be in counseling ASAP. It maybe the only thing to stop this downward spiral. The relationship is on the rocks, and both of you are kicking holes in the hull. It won't be long before this ship sinks. 

The sleeping and irritability issue is probably depression. Intensified by the guilt she got herself in this situation and doesn't have the tools to pull herself out of it. Could have been why she looked for an A to make her feel better. Ghezze, can't people find something less destructive to fell good about? 

Your post screams you need to "Fix It". There are things you can't fix without help. You think you can take the lead, make the changes needed, she'll feel better, and all will be well with the world. It doesn't work that way. Just like your erroneous thinking, that you didn't love her enough, so she strayed. Now you expect that if you show her how much you love her, she will naturally love you back. Wrong! You can only change yourself, you can't change her. Only she can change her, and that's her responsibility, not your's. Start working on making you feel better first. Get into IC/MC, go alone if she won't. 

Here is the book and some links to other helpful info...
No More Mr Nice Guy
Don't be put off by the title.

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

About finding help
Marital Problems? This Is Your Help Center ? Marriage Guardian


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You two need to live apart for a while and go to Marriage Counseling at least once a week. 

I think what you have could be fixable, but you and your wife have serious issues with communication. And I agree with others: she sounds like she may be suffering some kind of depression, or she could be bi-polar... or worse, she may be BPD.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Throwing an out of control wife on the bed does not seem to be out of the norm. Is there more to this incident? I never had to do this to my wife but it doesn't seem to merit all the guilt you are talking about and the fact that you are thinking of leavng her over this, is not making sense.

There are emotional issues that need to be addressed if not mental. Your wife's reactions to you questioning her health issues and this triggering such a violent responce is not normal.


----------



## supersystem (Dec 29, 2013)

First off, I think you might benefit from taking your wife (and women in general) off the pedestal you have them on, and finding some self confidence and self respect. I don't buy into this "never put your hands on a woman" double standard; your wife is your equal and if she puts her hands on you in that violent manner, then you have every moral right to use the necessary force to stop her.

Given the reality we live in, where almost all societies feel the need to protect women and their images to an unreasonable degree, I can sympathise with the abusive situation you are in. Start a diary, videotape every interaction you think could explode, and take pictures of all the injuries you have sustained from this violent creature. The police, your mutual friends, and maybe even you family, are unlikely to believe that a man can be abused by his wife--- even if they do believe it, they will not take the situation anywhere as seriously as it should be (as seriously as a man beating on his wife).

Bottom line: Find some self respect. You are no less valuable, and no less deserving of a happy life, than your wife is--- or any other person you choose to partner with.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You didn't ruin your marriage with this incident BigRichie. Your marriage was ruined long before. Your wife cheated because she no long has sufficient interest in you to prevent her from looking for greener pastures. Her "attitude" is a manifestation of her no longer wanting to be in the marriage and feeling trapped. You're not reconciling my man. You're living together because neither has anywhere else to go. Get ready for life altering events, Dawg.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BigRichie said:


> I have never lived on my own my whole life and that scares me.


Your situation aside, this is no reason to stay with someone. It's good to learn to live by yourself, just so you can know you CAN live by yourself. Keeps you from scrambling to stay married out of fear.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the library and get the book No More Mr Nice Guy, and read is as soon as possible.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Your wife's reactions to you questioning her health issues and this triggering such a violent responce is not normal.



She may have some kind of STD


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Take pictures of your scratches.

NOW


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

BigRichie said:


> Now we fight over other things, *seems we are trying to basically fall in love again*. I mean we love each other but you know that passionate love.


Yea...this isn't going to happen (at least not the way you are doing it). She is not going to magically fall back in love with you by proxy, that doesn't work.

Now had you filed for a divorce and she was scared out of her wits that you will leave her at a moment's notice then this wouldn't even be an issue. Nothing brings out passion like the fear of rejection.

Just saying.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Yea...this isn't going to happen (at least not the way you are doing it).
> Now had you filed for a divorce and she was scared out of her wits that you will leave her at a moment's notice then this wouldn't even be an issue. Nothing brings out passion like the fear of rejection.
> 
> .


not to mention if he is her source of income and financial security, if only partially


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

This might hurt to hear but you are a severely codependent beta male.

She cheated on you, scratched you, and kicked and YOU have unrelenting shame about throwing her on the bed and trying to calm her down?

She should be doing everything in her power to keep you. Work on your own issues first before you deal with the relationship.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Take pictures of your scratches.
> 
> NOW


 I agree 100% Take pictures. I'm not saying that you were right getting physical with her but what pisses me off is this.

I wish someone would show me this hidden, secret law on the books that says a woman can abuse a man by cutting scratching, hitting, throwing things and get away with it just because THEIR A WOMAN! 

I've been on the receiving end of my first wife's temper and have been hit scratched, bitten where it drew blood on my arm and stomach, and had a knife held against my penis because she thought I was having an affair because she was so over sexed that she was border line nympho.

Lucky for me it never happened again because we divorced but if it was turned around and I did what she did, I would have been arrested.

Best advice is to walk away and file for divorce. Yeah you have kids but they would be better off having their parents living apart rather then being in a house where something like this can happen again.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Is this the kind of example you want to set for your children on how they should live their lives?

You seem to accept blame for her actions. Think about that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, you wife is sorry. Exactly what is she sorry about?

The affair? Risking the existence of her family? Or is she sorry she got caught?

You have both got tests for STDs/HIV? (And there is still a risk even if condoms were used.)


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BigRichie said:


> I was raised never raise your hand or grab or force a woman especially your wife.


Perfectly understandable. Nobody should raise a hand to anyone. But you also were never prepared to handle a ranting raving cheating wife that had no business getting defensive about a question to you and that scratched the hell out of you in a previous argument. 

When someone who had assaulted you before is jumping up and down and breaking stuff, then a little physical restraint shouldn't be unexpected. Seems she is the violent one here. I'd gather you were more trying to restrain her than anything, and if in addition to breaking things she was a threat to you, restraint is justified.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BigRichie said:


> ok, but this is the mother of my children, the love of my life.


You are the father of her children and that didn't stop her from scratching the hell out of your face. You didn't do anything near the magnitude of what she did.

You need to stop beating yourself up for restraining a violent hellcat.



> I have started to give her that soace but anytime I try to talk she gets defensive immediately. Like this one. All it was was me asking her if maybe she should see a doctor about being tired alot.


If that is all that takes to set her off, then it means she simply is annoyed by almost anything you say or suggest. Which would suggest to me that she is either still cheating, or misses being able to mess around with other men and resents you for it.

If you leave her, it should be because she is a violent cheating POS, not because of anything you have done.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Sometimes I wonder why is it the cheater that gets so offended since they are the one that screwed the marriage up. She is the one that should be groveling.

Maybe you should get tested for a STD since she won't see a doctor. If you are going to stay with her might should consider wearing a condom. Cheaters often cheat again.


----------



## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

YOu've got to stop feeling bad and trying to "fix" this. She cheated. She's getting agressive with you to obfuscate her own bad behavior. you need to set some very serious boundaries and be completely willing to lose her if she fails to honor those boundaries.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

BigRichie said:


> ok, but this is the mother of my children, the love of my life. The woman who sat next to me everyday in the hospitalf or a month while I recovered from surgery. I know she cheated but I also was distant from her and was not exactly the best husband at the time. So, ues she chose to cheat but I didn't really help her not want to. I cannot imagine being without her, also if we divorce I lose seeing my kids everyday. Lastly, I have never lived on my own my whole life and that scares me. Plus poor, no where to go.


Time to grow up my man, sometimes men have to do hard things and make hard decisions. 

You will continue to struggle in your marriage because you have swept this under the rug and she is still in charge and your like a child.

There is NEVER a reason to cheat! 
There are reasons to leave.
There are reasons so end a marriage.
There are reasons to go to counseling.
But....
There is NEVER justification for opening her legs for another man to phuck her while she is in a marriage with you. But you seem to think that your wife having sex with some other dude is because you were distant....NO...that's a reason for her to confront you and demand marriage counseling, and at worst, leave you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Richie, have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? You can probably get it at any library.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Take pictures of your scratches.
> 
> NOW


It doesn't matter if his attitude is like this. He won't go thru with testifying or even pressing charges. The prosecutor will just drop the charges, if any. 

Seen this hundreds and hundreds of times.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I got to ask. Has she gotten physical with you since you did that?

Just a general observation about life; People will tend to do what you allow them to do to you. 

So, your fear of distressing your wife allows her to escalate as far as she wants mentally and physically because you are afraid to do anything about it except pacify or do what she wants. Your throwing her on the bed and getting scary taught her something; You have a breaking point and at some point even a beaten dog will fight. Doesn’t mean you have to be proud of it, but it does mean you need to figure out where your limits are so you can at least fire off a warning shot that she’s about to face a monster if she doesn’t put on the brakes.

Now you just need to hone in on where that is and warn her as she approaches it. You need to start thinking about “how will I allow myself to be treated” and set boundaries. Then enforce them with appropriate ramifications.


----------

