# is she cheating or getting even? should i spy or chase her again?



## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

or am I just an insecure .....!?

To start, I screwed up, i found an old gf on facebook and we conversed a few times, online, wife found out and flipped. demanded I get counseling or threatened divorce, so I spent $500 on counseling. This was over a year ago. Said she forgave but won't forget as I was thinking of cheating, when NOTHING in our conversations suggested that.
Anyway, she has since done some things, sent a text on the 1 year anniversary saying happy anniversary, done dumb things with friends of ours like showing/taking piks of breasts bra on, in front of other husbands (at first), I was home,and emailing them to me (a few of the women did) then saying the men weren't there, found on her facebook appls. the Zoosk dating service (a couple of her married freinds also on there) that she swears has no idea how it got there, and (just to name a few) got a job with a construction comp. that may benefit us both in the long run but made it a point to come home and tell me the owners are both young, good looking and have "big arms" which sure, got me a little jealous but i bit my lip. Well her first day she tells me how the 2 owners and office another guy were all around her desk telling her how "great a job he is doing" Now she is 40, but still a beautiful women, at least to me, and she does call these guys, "kids" as they are in their late 20's early 30's, but she is the only women in the office
I asked her to call me when she gets off work as she only works 10-2 currently and so i know she can pick up our kids. She did the first and second day but not since and I won't call her as she is supposed to be working.
I have also caught her in NUMEROUS retractions in our conversations (don't want to call them lies, yet) such as the men in the room at the picture taking, her nOT telling anyone about my insecurities as we discussed them, and yet she comes oout and tell me she tld her friend,.. I let it slide for 10 minutes, reworded it, and as I approached her she says she NEVER told her b4 i even open my mouth.

Lastly, and to me MOST important, EVERY time I ask, questioned, comment to her disliking she ALWAYS brings up the facebook thing and reminds me that she NEVER even thought of cheating and I did. 

She also has been working out more the last month or so when she found she may have this job, and bought a whole new wardrobe for work. hair color all that stuff. 

then there are other moments she tells me how much se loves me. We have been together over 20 years, and married 14.


Should i worry she may cheat and continue to watch for signs, spy, OR as I am starting to think, should i try to use the old techniques that got me the ex-cheerleader in the first place, a rose here and there, a card etc.

I have also stopped taking for granted that we wil be together forever and got off the couch and doing for myself. Strted Working out again after a year or 10 layoff, thinking of doing my hair, maybe even roagain to get the hairline back, just in case


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

It seems she either has not forgiven you for your indiscretion a year back, or maybe just seized that as an opportunity to lay the blame on you for what she is doing.

She is displaying some signs of cheating such as working on her appearance, misleading you by accusing you of the exact thing she might be doing. On the other hand she is behaving in ways that almost seems to flaunt her poor behavior to make you jealous.

If all you two achieved out of counseling was for you to admit to screwing up and her saying she forgave you, I would say you need to retry it with another counseler. You two need to be able to sit down, work things out (BOTH of you did things wrong and you should figure out why) and commit to making this marriage work or at minimum determining if both of you truly even want it to work.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Frost said:


> If all you two achieved out of counseling was for you to admit to screwing up and her saying she forgave you, I would say you need to retry it with another counseler. You two need to be able to sit down, work things out (BOTH of you did things wrong and you should figure out why) and commit to making this marriage work or at minimum determining if both of you truly even want it to work.


:iagree:

Neither of you have trust in this marriage. And without trust you will never have a strong marriage.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

i agree we don't have trust and I hate it.
I did for the longest time, until last year with the whole facebook thing. couldn't understand her insane jealousy, when I was never like that and her 'spying' on me
about 12 year back one of my ex's parnet died, I wanted to go to the funeral to show respect, she freaked out I didn't go. then about 10 years back she tells me she saw her ex of 3 years, he told her one of the parents died, told her to go to the funeral, she said she wouldn't out of respect to me,. I told her i didn't mind. thing is, if the situation was reversed, she would have freaked that I even talked to an ex.

so i don't think she ever trusted me, and I don't know why, maybe cause her parents split young and mine are still together. maybe cause her mom died when she was only 24, then her dad before she was 30. i don't know.
I do know we have been thru alot. We had taken care of her nephews from 95-2001, (ages 8-11 when they moved in) her grandparents from 1999-2001/2005 until they passed, I worked 3 jobs for a number of years supporting the crowd and sleeping in the patio as my own two kids were in my bed with my wife and the other rooms occupied.

I NEVER cheated on her while married, though the opp was there as we both discussed that when we got married (we dated near 7 years b4 marriage) it would be till death do us part not when we were sick of each other like so many of our friends back then.

Now i wonder what goes on in that office, what went on at home while I was working and kids were in school, what happens on the almost nightly shopping trips.
Now I wonder if i had been played this whole time...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! You have both had A LOT to contend with. Not only do neither of you trust one another, but your wife is insecure. And that's a factor in her current behavior. You and your wife really need to find a competent therapist before this marriage gets worse.


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