# Ready to File



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I am getting ready to file for the divorce. I am on the fence on whether I should file for "no-fault" or "at-fault". My gut is saying I should go with at-fault because that is the truth of why this marriage ended. I would have fight and fight for it to last if not for the EA. 

The only proof I have that something abnormal is going on is the amount of text between the two. I know that is probably not sufficient enough but I just want it on paper that he did me wrong. He refuse to admit to the EA and I just want that acknowledgement. 

Am I thinking unlogically because going down "at-fault" might cause me more harm than good?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How deep are your pockets?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gigi888 said:


> I am getting ready to file for the divorce. I am on the fence on whether I should file for "no-fault" or "at-fault". My gut is saying I should go with at-fault because that is the truth of why this marriage ended. I would have fight and fight for it to last if not for the EA.
> 
> The only proof I have that something abnormal is going on is the amount of text between the two. I know that is probably not sufficient enough but I just want it on paper that he did me wrong. He refuse to admit to the EA and I just want that acknowledgement.
> 
> Am I thinking unlogically because going down "at-fault" might cause me more harm than good?


Generally divorce courts do not care about EA's. There has to be the physical act of sex for it to count as adultery. In some states it counts if there is proven 'opportunity'. For example if he spent the night at her house with only her there. 

Most divorce courts also do not care about online only and phone sex affairs.

Most people cannot afford the cost of an at fault divorce because you have to prove it. How many thousands are you ready to spend? $70K? $100K?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... I'd think that if you're going to file "at fault", you'll need a lawyer. I suspect any decent lawyer will tell you that you don't have enough evidence to file that way, and you're wasting your money. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I know that I am just being emotional at the moment. It is so unfair that I know something is going on and I have to admit "no-fault" Thanks for you guys advice as I know I am just being emotional at the moment. I so wanted him to say that it is majority his fault just so I can keep telling myself that I am worth something. Throughout the marriage, he have told me time over time that I am the root of the marriage issue we have. When he left he said that I am the root of his unhappiness. 

I know in my brain that it is not 100% my fault anymore but it sure will be nice to have it on paper to help my healing process.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Gigi888,

I actually burst out laughing when I read that he said you are the root of his unhappiness. It is so not true!!! There is no way that you can make him feel any emotion. His feelings are his responsibility. Just give it time. He will never be happy. Just wait and see what he blames it on next. 

I don't know your whole story but I'm going to say that his attitude is the root of your marriage issues. He's just an immature child.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I know in my brain everything you just said, but still a part of me feel worthless. For the last 5 years, I been told what a horrible wife I am because I am not affection, meaning I do not hug and kiss him out of the blue. However, I did everything in supporting him emotionally when he is going through hard time.

I no longer love him but that message about how a horrible person I am keeps on playing in my mind still. How do I get rid of it?


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

It's a process. Have you done any counselling? That can be a big help. Do you have supportive friends? If not, get out, join some clubs, make new friends. You need positive people around you. 

What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? Do more of that. Again, it's about surrounding yourself with positivity. 

As I said, once you see that your ex is still unhappy then you will realize that it wasn't you. It may take a while. I know from experience. I was told that it was my fault that my ex wasn't happy. I was told that I was holding him back from experiencing life. But guess what? We've been apart for 3 years and he is still miserable, negative and unhappy. 

I'm so sorry that his abusive behaviour has made you feel worthless. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is the one that has the problems. A healthy, mature adult does not need to put others down and throw blame around to feel better about themselves. Always remember that a person's response to you, is telling you about that person, not about you.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Thanks! I am just so over this marriage and I will recover from it. It is just so hard because the last thing he said to me were he was drinking himself to death (1 bottle of wine per day), gain weight, unhappy, and family less all due to me. After that I went through hell with self blame and begging him that I will be a better wife. It is so painful to realize that he had put me down so often to the point that I am begging and apologizing for causing him all those pain. Just thinking about how I was mistreating myself is causing me a lot of pain.

Yes, i have a lot of supportive friends. I am planning to start volunteering for animal shelter after this divorce. We both want a fast one. I can no longer stand the fact that I am still marry to him legally. 

I am not trying to do "at-fault" because I want more asset. I only want to see on paper that it is not my fault for my own healing process.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

gigi888 said:


> Thanks! I am just so over this marriage and I will recover from it. It is just so hard because the last thing he said to me were he was drinking himself to death (1 bottle of wine per day), gain weight, unhappy, and family less all due to me. After that I went through hell with self blame and begging him that I will be a better wife. It is so painful to realize that he had put me down so often to the point that I am begging and apologizing for causing him all those pain. Just thinking about how I was mistreating myself is causing me a lot of pain.
> 
> Yes, i have a lot of supportive friends. I am planning to start volunteering for animal shelter after this divorce. We both want a fast one. I can no longer stand the fact that I am still marry to him legally.
> 
> I am not trying to do "at-fault" because I want more asset. I only want to see on paper that it is not my fault for my own healing process.


Sometimes 50/50 responsibilities for failed marriage is just not applicable. It might be that one spouse sabotages the marriage and whatever efforts other spouse puts in, the marriage won't work.

So, your H stated that you were responsible for his drinking, weight gain and even his happiness? If so, you are a very powerful woman, you know that?


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Aerith, you make a great point - she is very powerful for her to have that control over him! Maybe she can do other stuff, like make me lose weight, control who wins the lottery and create world peace. 

Yes, I'm being totally facetious but just to make the point that each person is responsible for their feelings and actions.


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