# Financial Realities of Divorce?



## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi-

I'm considering divorce and am pretty sure I want one. I'm dragging my feet a bit fearing the hurt it will bring to my wife (we've grown apart and I don't want the commitment of being married... to anyone). 

As I think this thru (over and over again over the last few months) one thing I struggle to understand is the financial impacts of divorce. 

I am ready to pay child support (2 kids) and understand Alamony is to be expected (not sure I agree with that tho.. she has always worked in jobs that she has wanted to hold).

I can estimate child support payments. I will pay in full.

I cant really estimate alimony yet though.

We will probably split our retirement savings and other assets. Thats fine.

Also, if we need to have two homes now (one each) we will spending more than before on housing in total. We will need to figure out if we can keep her and the kids in the existing home for now - to minimize disruption to the kids. We will need to explore refinancing.

What are some things you can share about financial impacts as a result of divorce. Things that are either expected or unexpected.

I have visions of me leading a simpler life (fewer material possessions) and being able to enjoy a pretty nice lifestyle given my income. I read a lot of people talking about how 'expensive' divorce is and how it generally lowers everyone's standard of living. Is that true?

It may be important to note that she makes about $50K and I make about $175K.

Thanks for sharing.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow you will be paying painfully with the differences in income.

My STBXH is reeling with the financial realities of our divorce. Married 12 yrs before separation. He had multiple EA's. I asked him to stop, he didn't I kicked him out of the house last summer. Also found out he had sex with another women before I asked him to leave. Then he started "dating" a "friend", unbeknown to me. The entire time he was wanting to reconcile with me. Dates, gifts, staying over at my house, I love you's...

In March he tells me this "friend" is 8 wks pregnant with his child.

I filed a week later. No way back now. Here's what he will lose.

Child support and alimony $3000 a month
Retirement account - 1/2 of $600,000
Sick and vacation leave: $85,000
Alimony can go on forever as he earns 3 times what I do
He has to pay my attorney's fees - could hit $15,000 if he keeps fighting it.
He lives in some crappy little old apartment in the ghetto, I got to keep the nice rental house. I am keeping my car.
He is saddled with a $40k student loan he took before we were married.
AND he will have to pay over $1000 a month to the pregnant "friend" for the next 18 yrs, plus any out of pocket medical expenses related to her pregnancy.

He is already dead broke just paying alimony and child support.

Think LONG and hard before you leave - and think even harder before you go out cheating, having unprotected sex and getting some skank 15 yrs your junior pregnant.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Yea, with your income, ouch.

I've seen it change the outcome of many divorce ready couples.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

some_guy_mn,

How long have you been married? Length of marriage makes a big difference in the length of alimony.

You can use teh 40/50 formula for a quick and dirty alimony calculation. An attorney can tell your more precisely what you would pay.

(175,000 x .4) - (50,000 x .5) = 45,000

45,000 / 12 = $3,750 monthly



Add child support to that.


Alimony is tax deductable to you. It's taxable income to her.

Child support is not tax deductable to you.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Thanks EleGirl. That's helpful. Not very good news but helpful.

Do you know what the rationale behind that formula is? (Well, behind alimony for that matter). I suspect it's from an era where the wife stayed home and made sacrifices for the family by not working. Times have changed and my wife has not sacrificed her career in the least. She has always done what she wants to for work. 

Thanks


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Also... Been married 12 years.

Thumper - can you expand on that?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

some_guy_mn said:


> Do you know what the rationale behind that formula is? (Well, behind alimony for that matter). I suspect it's from an era where the wife stayed home and made sacrifices for the family by not working.


You are correct with your assumption on alimony. By her working you have a good agrument to reduce or limit the time of alimony payments. She is capable of earning a living on her own and should not have to live off you. Time of marriage is a big factor in determining alimony, usually anything over 10 years and it is a given.

Divorce can be as expensive as you make it. If one side fights and it lands in the court for any amount of time, the legal fees can become staggering. An amiable divorce settled out of court is a good financial option if the two of you can work things out on your own. It takes both sides to want this approach however for it to work.

It does not have to cripple you. Research your state statutes on divorce and interview a few lawyers. Become familiar with what is required for a divorce and how the state determines custody and calculates CS & alimony. Use your knowledge to develop a strategy for your divorce then execute your plan. The old boy scout motto works here, be prepared. Have your plan ready to cover your bases. If you have a good plan that gives you equal time with your children and an equitable distribution of the assests, both parties should come out okay.

This will sound paranoid, but be prepared for a fight. "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst" Google some dad friendly forums to learn how to prepare and fight for a decent divorce. When I say decent, I mean 50/50 custody of the children, fair CS & alimony, and an equitable spilt of marital assets. Beware if things get nasty.

Make no bones about it, divorce sucks. If you tell your wife you want one, it will hurt. I would sit her down at a quiet time and be honest and upfront for the reasons you want a divorce. Answer her questions as truthfully as you can. Be prepared ahead of time for a lot of tears. Also be prepared for her to want to work on the marriage first and have your response. Do you want to try or not?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

meant I've seen a lot of couple give the marriage another try and see if they could fix what was broken, cause its cheap compared to the divorce. Seen other couples move on, and NEVER get divorced, but its more like an open marriage, but they live completely apart.
I know a guy that hasn't talked, or even seen his wife the last 14 years but still hasn't even thought about filing for divorce. crazy


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

some_guy_mn said:


> Hi-
> 
> I'm considering divorce and am pretty sure I want one. I'm dragging my feet a bit fearing the hurt it will bring to my wife (we've grown apart and I don't want the commitment of being married... to anyone).
> 
> ...


This question is better served by an experienced attorney. Many times I hear men moan about the financial sodomy of divorce but its usually because they don't allow their attorney to look out for their best interest along with the children. There is nothing wrong with wanting NOT to live under a bridge after divorce. Speak clearly and without guilt to your attorney and let him/her advise you of your rights under the law.

Remember that you as a dad have equal rights and you will need money to provide for your kids. Alimony should be temporary if any regardless of income. Just be honest with your attorney and yourself and go from there. Only you know exactly what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyedlily (Nov 10, 2012)

Keep your money & sacrifice a chance at happiness? Doesn't seem like a difficult choice to me, money is nice, but not necessary to have a fulfilling and happy life. I gave up an upper middle class life for personal peace & happiness and I have not regretted it one day. 
I hope that you will think about what you really need first, too many people get trapped in fear because of money when if you were dying today- money would be the last thing on your mind.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi greeneyedlily-

Thanks for the response. It's not a make or break the deal factor. Just trying to be thorough!

Thanks


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## greeneyedlily (Nov 10, 2012)

Glad to hear it..I just hate when for some people, its all about the money...


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Anyone have any experiences they can share? General browsing / reading paints a somewhat bleak picture... But no specifics yet!

Thanks


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Wow... so sorry to read this.

Yet, I hear you: You're willing to do WHATEVER just to get out. I'm there. I've forgone alimony (but want temp maintenance until I am working FT--I left the workforce to become a SAHM), and only want the marital home/car/physical custody of my two kids. 

Seriously, I'll get a job, before dragging this out another year for alimony. I want my life back more than I want a check!

As a woman, I'll say this:

I'M OPPOSED TO ALIMONY, in most cases.

I think for many women, it's just a way to get back at a spouse who did them wrong. I get it. But, having survived DV, EAbuse and worked with women who've survived the same, the ability to GET OUT with one's sanity, trumps all the "dollars and cents" one can squeeze out of a husband. Now if there is a huge income disparity, I do beleive that TEMPORARY spousal maintenence is appropriate. But this should only be used to meet the basics. (housing, utilities, food, schooling for the kids, et al). For all other expenses...

...I say, get a job. 

Sure, we were done wrong: But we are not children. 

I digress:

Now, regarding CS: ABSOLUTELY! You should pay this to your kids. They are the innocent ones. They did not ask to be born into a marriage, devoid of love, connectedness, et al. 

Furthermore, they should stay in the home (with their mom) and you leave. I wouldn't worry too much about buying a new property (it become a joint marital asset), so just rent a nice apartment. 

Another expense is that you might be required to pay for her attorney. This is an important note: IF YOU TWO ARE CORDIAL AND CAN REACH DECISIONS IT WILL SAVE YOU TONS OF MONEY! Also, look into using mediation instead of the courts for your divorce. Once more, saves you money.

As helpful as attorneys are, they want to be PAID. And nothing gets an attorney paid like a nasty, contested, drawn-out divorce with a ton of "motions." (for instance, My STBXH wants patenity tests prior to agreeing to CS. That's $1000 to his lawyer, $1000 for two DNA tests, to ruffle my feathers and prove that he's the father.--classy) 

While nobody like the idea of divorce, it's often a necessary evil. 

Take care of yourself, and your children; and respect their mother. 

A word of advice told to me STBXH, that I will share with you: *HOW YOU TREAT THEIR MOTHER WILL DETERMINE HOW THEY TREAT YOU!*

Divorce is nasty: Fight fair.

Best!


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I am in almost an identical spot to you. And EleGirl and BrokenbyThis' feedback is spot on!

I'm currently in a reconciliation after my wife cheated and things are going well....but how fair is this situation:

I make $180K, wife makes $45K. Kids are adults so no child support. Regardless, she would get alimony equal to 1/2 of our assets/retirement accounts which would be about $800,000 - $900,000 to her. Plus based on the formula for the difference in pay and length of time in my marriage I would pay about $50,000 a year for life unless she remarries or passes away.

Yes, my payments would be tax-deductible. But I was planning to retire in 5-8 years, and this would completely screw it up. Yes, it sounds shallow, but why should the cheating spouse be rewarded? (I live in a no fault state and permanent alimony). So, even though reconciliation is going well, it is insanity that if I had a change of heart, I would have to shell out this amount of money which would drastically alter my lifestyle. 

If I lived in a different state (say Georgia), infidelity is a big issue on assets and there is no suich thing as permanent alimony. I'd probably come out with 75% or more of our assets with no alimony. So where you live makes a major difference.

By the way, someone suggested to move...but infidelity has a short lifespan...you can't claim infidelity if you move and decide 2 years later you want out.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Everyone has a different situation. In your case you said you have grown apart. Do you actively despise her? With your financials, it's cheaper to keep her


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

some_guy_mn said:


> Anyone have any experiences they can share? General browsing / reading paints a somewhat bleak picture... But no specifics yet!


As much as I resented my ex for divorcing me (she had a couple EA's and decided she needed "space"), I treated the process as a business deal. I may have been boiling inside, but I kept it as calm and professional as possible.

We were able to complete the process amiably and without lawyers at all. Custody was 50/50 as well as the marital assets. We both kept our family heirlooms and pre-marital property. CS was based soley on income and paid accordingly, no alimony.

Here several years later we actually get along. Mostly for the kids sake, but we do have an excellent business-like relationship. Good things can happen, but both sides have to be able to agree.




persephone71 said:


> Now, regarding CS: ABSOLUTELY! You should pay this to your kids.


Let's be honest, CS is paid to the custodial parent. How they spend that money is entirely up to them. You hope they spend it on the children or put it in a college account for them.




persephone71 said:


> *Furthermore, they [the children] should stay in the marital home with the parent most capable of providing a stable atmosphere.*


Fixed that for you.



persephone71 said:


> Take care of yourself, and your children. *Respect their mother if she returns that respect.*


Fixed that too.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

lewmin said:


> I am in almost an identical spot to you. And EleGirl and BrokenbyThis' feedback is spot on!
> 
> I'm currently in a reconciliation after my wife cheated and things are going well....but how fair is this situation:
> 
> ...


Wow! That's awful!

My friend is in a similar boat. He made about $400K a year (he's a cardiologist), and his wife worked as his office manager. He wanted out after years of dealing with her nasty and manipulative attitude, and was willing to give up too much to to so. He regrets it. She now will get half of everything. He's 59 and was looking to retire soon, and take care of his mom. Now, he's consulting, teaching at the local medical school part-time AND WORKING AT HIS CARDIOLOGY PRACTICE, just to secure his future and care for his mom.

And she's sitting nicely on her derriere, collecting about $70K year, looking to gain about $1M from his retirement and 401K, driving a C-series Mercedes, b !tching about that he left her. Nice.

Sad.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

> Let's be honest, CS is paid to the custodial parent. How they spend that money is entirely up to them. You hope they spend it on the children or put it in a college account for them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Thanks for the edits..

Truth, I am on his side. 

I understand that women are sometimes antagonistic, and sometimes it's men. The point I made is that alimony is not always necessary (or fair), CS is, and sometimes it's not B&W. 

Best.


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