# Young husband with ED. How to support him and how to cope with it



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. He is in his mid thirties and has from time to time had issues with ED. However lately, I’d say for the past two months or so, it has become very bad. He will lose erection right away. The past few attempts were not successful and I can tell it really hurts him. He apologizes to me, shakes his head, and keeps repeating to me that he’s sorry. I become motherly to him and protective, hold him and tell him that it’s ok, being with him and holding him is enough. That I’m not disappointed. It was the same the last time we tried to be intimate. He told me he had been wanting to be intimate with me, but was avoiding it because he didn’t want to disappoint me and he just did. I held him and told him I didn’t want this to make him avoid being intimate, that it’s ok and I’m not disappointed. 

I am 6 months pregnant, and although I look the same, my tummy is now obvious. I asked him if my pregnancy was the reason why this was happening, told him that some men just find it weird to have sex with a pregnant woman, and that some just don’t find pregnant women attractive. He assured me he finds me attractive, and that he is enjoying seeing me pregnant and will miss it when I give birth.

While this gives me reassurance for a while, I can’t help but feel undesired and unwanted when he starts to avoid being sexual in any way like he used to. For example, if he’d see me change, he’d hold me and kiss me. Now this has stopped. He sees me and does nothing. I know it’s because he’s afraid of having me think it will lead to sex, which he will then have the pressure to perform and fail, which will cause him to lose even more confidence and more embarrassment. I have now also begun to step back more. I have become less touchy affectionate for fear of him thinking I want sex and give him the pressure of having to perform. 

I am noticing I am becoming more distant from him. And I don’t want to do that when I know he needs my support. I feel bad for him and how I am being with him lately. Sex was one of the ways in which I felt closest to him. It made me feel desired, which gave me confidence in my self and so made me affectionate with him. Now I feel undesired, and my confidence is slowly dwindling. Which is making me become distant. When I notice doing this, I try to show more affection, but I don’t want to put pressure on him. 

I think I made this thread longer than it should be, but I needed to get it out there. 

How should I support him, and how should I cope?

For men that experienced this, how should I approach him?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Has your H talked with a doctor and checked for low T(testosterone)?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

This is a serious issue but compared to the stories I keep reading on here (that follow mine), with cheating, divorce, etc. 

It's a nice change of pace to respond to a post on here that is fixable! As it has been said, have him go see the doctor. With 2 willing partners, this can be fixed, whether it is mental or physical. Start with the doctor first and then go from there!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Check his computer and phone for porn. Don't ask him until you've checked.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Annizka said:


> .....being with him and holding him is enough. That I’m not disappointed.
> 
> he didn’t want to disappoint me and he just did.


First of all, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being his good and faithful wife supporting him 100% on this.

I have a suggestion. Please read the two contrasting sentences above from your post. And, please note how you state that you're not disappointed, and he states that you are.

This is the basis on which my suggestion is made.

It is an oversimplification, and a "broad brush" concept, but a classic dichotomy which occurs in many marriages.....

Women tend to base their success, and their personal worth, on their relationships. While men base their success and personal worth on their accomplishments. It's hard for your husband to believe you're not disappointed, because he is very disappointed...to him, this is a failure.....

If there are sexual activities other than PIV intercourse which succeed in bringing you orgasms, you might drop the hint like "....I really get off when you _____".... this would probably result in less avoidance on his part, if he has a "way to succeed".....



stillfightingforus said:


> Start with the doctor first and then go from there!


By all means, yes. Failure to achieve or keep erection in a young man may be pointing toward underlying serious disease processes for which early management can prevent and prolong unfortunate outcomes. 

And, stillfighting is absolutely correct, with the 2 of you and no extramarital selfishness being engaged in, this can have a very happy ending and permanent solution for your life and your marriage.

This will not be a permanent state.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think this is fixable. We had similar issues when my H started taking high blood pressure meds. 

If you can arrange for your H to have a full physical including bloodwork. Is he on any meds?

What i did was to make sure my H was eating healthy with foods high in zinc, magnesium etc. I made him smoothies with sesame seeds, hemp seeds and pumpkim seeds with tons of berries. My H swears on this. 

I would reassure my H it was fine. I dont talk about it afterwards or keep bringing it up.

I knew he felt bad. 

One more thing to add with both of my kids after i started to show, we did not have sex. My H was afaird of hurting me and the baby.
Plus he has a bit of the Madonna complex going on. I knew he loved me but he never tried to have sex with me. We cuddled alot but no sex. 

I wish you a happy pregnancy. Enjoy it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Annizka, 

First I'd just like to say that I'm glad you are talking about this here and getting some ideas rather than taking it personally or shaming your hubby. I'm sure he feels bad enough as is. 

Next, I'd say it's reasonable to check for a medical reason, although I'm going to guess that is not the cause it. It could be, though, and it's rational to get that checked out just to be sure. 

Finally, I'm going to say the weirdest thing, but I'd say "Trust the Little Head" LOL  As I understand it, some people are wired so that their mind to be "into it" in order to reach the peak, anf if their mind throws out any kind of interrupt...well the mood goes away. It's like instantly turning off the faucet...it will be on and flowing and they suddenly--OFF.  So something in his mind is likely throwing an interrupt of some kind, and this is why I say trust the little head. It's telling him that something isn't quite right. 

Now, as the ladies I do think we tend to take it personally, thinking we're not pleasing or sexy enough etc. But it's not usually us. I think part of it might be shame and pressure to be a black belt sex stud when really he's still practicing his green belt moves...like he has this fantasy of "how it should be" and if it's not like that, he's failing. And part of it might be thinking SO MUCH about pleasing you that he gets scared of not being a stud and that turns off the flow. And part of it might be forgeting ot stay in touch with himself and his own enjoyment. Mix all that up and it gets all jumbled and he feels more and more inadequate.

I would say chances are good that somewhere along the line in the past, he got the message from someone or somewhere that he was not enough...not good enough...not sexy enough...not loved...expendable. This kind of wound can be pretty deep and take a while to heal. Sometimes just when you don't want it to, the wound will get poked and re-open even if it's not you who wounded him! So this is a reminder of that wound...like a trigger...and it's reasonable to address the trigger and work on healing the wound. It will probably be there, but the more healed it becomes, the less ED will have to remind him. 

In the short term, if it starts to happen he can pause a minute and see if he can re-connect to himself and his pleasure. Don't try to "just keep going" and override it because that never works, but sometimes a short pause, some talking and kissing, and reconnecting to himself instead of that fantasy of "how it should be" can work. Sometimes a short pause to relax can work. And likewise even if that doesn't work, pausing for some talking and kissing can be a way to reconnect to YOU. So what if it's not PIV? He can still connect to you intimately in many other ways, from satisfying you orally or manually, to a good talk and both being open and honest! Intimacy isn't just sex! It's also mental, emotional and spiritual. So drop the goal of "both achieving orgasm at the exact same moment perfectly" (lol) and instead say something like "Well...how about if we just have some fun?" Maybe you'll make out. Maybe one or the other will hit the big O...maybe not. The point is to be together and enjoy each other. 

In a summary--trust the little head. It's actually very wise, and it's telling you something.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Annizka;

Please make sure your H get's to a doctor. ED can be either medical or mental. If it is medically induced, then either he needs to take different medications or the doctor's need to find out the root cause, as it can be an early warning sign for some very serious medical conditions.

It it is mental then get into a sex therapist/marriage cousnelor session or two so that you and your H can discuss this and see if it is any of the OMG, she's pregnant, I can't have sex with a pregnant woman, or a madonna/wh#ore complex thing.

Good luck, don't give up on him.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Check his computer and phone for porn. Don't ask him until you've checked.


This would tell you nothing.

If he has performance anxiety or ED problems, porn is an obvious alternative.

The porn doesn't care whether or not he can get it up or perform.

It would only be a problem if his porn use kept him from seeking medical help.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Annizka said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. He is in his mid thirties and has from time to time had issues with ED. However lately, I’d say for the past two months or so, it has become very bad. He will lose erection right away. The past few attempts were not successful and I can tell it really hurts him. He apologizes to me, shakes his head, and keeps repeating to me that he’s sorry. I become motherly to him and protective, hold him and tell him that it’s ok, being with him and holding him is enough. That I’m not disappointed. It was the same the last time we tried to be intimate. He told me he had been wanting to be intimate with me, but was avoiding it because he didn’t want to disappoint me and he just did. I held him and told him I didn’t want this to make him avoid being intimate, that it’s ok and I’m not disappointed.
> 
> I am 6 months pregnant, and although I look the same, my tummy is now obvious. I asked him if my pregnancy was the reason why this was happening, told him that some men just find it weird to have sex with a pregnant woman, and that some just don’t find pregnant women attractive. He assured me he finds me attractive, and that he is enjoying seeing me pregnant and will miss it when I give birth.
> 
> ...


Well, you're doing your part. Everything you're doing is perfect.

It's really not about you and your desirability for him (hard to believe as that may me). Oddly enough, how much he cares about your happiness actually makes the problem worse. 

This is solvable! Low-T, Viagra, Tri-Mix, there are all kinds of solutions.

But he HAS to vigorously pursue solutions. Many doctors ignore this stuff, he has to push past them where necessary.

The only thing he can do wrong is to not try and solve this (it may be as easy as some Viagra to get him over the performance anxiety hump).

It's a good sign that he's talking to you about this. What often happens is the guys keep it inside and try to make up other reasons why there's a problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Annizka said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. He is in his mid thirties and has from time to time had issues with ED. However lately, I’d say for the past two months or so, it has become very bad. He will lose erection right away. The past few attempts were not successful and I can tell it really hurts him. He apologizes to me, shakes his head, and keeps repeating to me that he’s sorry. I become motherly to him and protective, hold him and tell him that it’s ok, being with him and holding him is enough. That I’m not disappointed. It was the same the last time we tried to be intimate. He told me he had been wanting to be intimate with me, but was avoiding it because he didn’t want to disappoint me and he just did. I held him and told him I didn’t want this to make him avoid being intimate, that it’s ok and I’m not disappointed.



But holding him isn’t enough is it? If it was enough, you wouldn’t have made this thread.

It’s instinctive to want to protect and nurture those we love but sometimes, and becoming a parent-or already parenting over protecting is not helping, it’s not helpful to protect and soothe and pretend we are content when we are not.

While I’m not suggesting you drop all diplomatic attempts to soothe his anxiety in disappointing you, I do suggest you not stop sex just because his penis has taken a day off. Both of those, overly soothing and pretending to be content with just being held, are mistakes I made many years ago and it took some time to get sex back on the front burner as a result. However, my husband wasn’t nearly as emotionally available as yours apparently is.





> While this gives me reassurance for a while, I *can’t help but feel undesired and unwanted when he starts to avoid being sexual in any way like he used to. For example, if he’d see me change, he’d hold me and kiss me. Now this has stopped. He sees me and does nothing. I know it’s because he’s afraid of having me think it will lead to sex, which he will then have the pressure to perform and fail, which will cause him to lose even more confidence and more embarrassment. I have now also begun to step back more. I have become less touchy affectionate for fear of him thinking I want sex and give him the pressure of having to perform.
> 
> I am noticing I am becoming more distant from him. *



Tell him this, word for word.




> How should I support him, and how should I cope?
> 
> For men that experienced this, how should I approach him?


1. When sex play begins, it ends when everyone is satisfied sexually. You don’t NEED a fully functioning penis for that because he has finger, he has a tongue, and you can buy insertable toys. If you’re getting naked and his penis takes the day off, keep going with his other abilities and when you’ve been satisfied you can still assist him to ejaculate whether or not he has a full erection.

2. Insist he see a doctor and insist he give ED meds a chance. Often times ED is like a snowball rolling down hill, the more often it happens, the more ingrained his anxiety over it happening becomes, the more reliably it will continue to happen.

3. Absolutely check his computer and cell for porn usage. While excessive porn use may or may not be a cause, all of the above will get you no where if his ED is due to chronic porn use/masturbation.

4. Communicate a LOT about what you need from him in terms of affection, compliments, seeing his desire for you, feeling his desire for you. Being pregnant is the WORST time to be dealing with ED because you are so emotionally vulnerable about your changing body you need him to step up. So don’t give him a pass, expect him to step up.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The ED thing is not your fault at all. HE does need to do something about it. Hoping it will go away won’t work. I would suggest you say to him that you will support him but this is something he has to go to a dr and talk about unless it is an obvious cause like overweight, drinks too much, porn addicted. He also needs to correct those issues because they are on him


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Thank you for your replies and inputs. 

To answer a few questions, he is healthy overall and has an active life style. 

I did find out he was watching porn a couple of months ago. I didn’t confront him though, even though it did hurt me. 

Also, the only time we talk about the issue of ED is right after we try to be intimate and it fails. I don’t bring it up anytime after that because I don’t want to make him feel bad. I don’t want to bring up him going to the doctor because I feel he should be the one to take that step, and not me, I don’t want to pressure him. 

Do I get disappointed when it fails? I guess I do. But at the moment I want to comfort him. I also think if at least he gave me the attention like he used to, I wouldn’t feel so down. It’s the fact that any sexual flirtations etc has stopped. 

The thing that scares me is that I feel we are slowly becoming distant. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing maybe I should bite the bullet and bring up the subject with him. When should I bring it up? What should I say or avoid saying? I don’t want to say something that would further destroy his confidence.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are all sorts of causes for ED, but one of them is stress. That could be stress over plans to have a child - certainly a life changing experience. 

Another possible source of stress is .... ED. This can lead to a bad feedback cycle where a man's worry about ED makes the problem worse. The best solution to this is to have him find other ways to please you in bed (fingers, mouth, toys, whatever) and take the stress out of ED. You may find that once he no longer feels "pressure" to perform, the problem will just go away.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Annizka said:


> Thank you for your replies and inputs.
> 
> To answer a few questions, he is healthy overall and has an active life style.
> 
> ...


The bolded is crucial here. That growing distance is a natural byproduct of the lack of physical intimacy. You most definitely have to address this. You can do it without being confrontational or demeaning, but there's no way you can present it with a guarantee of him not taking it personally. It is what it is. The best you can do is focus your discussion on the importance of this to you *because you want to stay connected. * It's not about you pointing out his flaw, but rather a necessary step in the two of you working together to keep your union strong. 

It would be good to know how extensive the porn use is and what is the timing. Did the porn use precede the ED (not when you discovered it, but when he started)? If the porn is taking care of him, he'll have trouble getting it up for you. It's also possible the porn use came after the ED; some men use it to try to jump start themselves and reignite what wasn't happening on its own. Unfortunately, this often only trains him to respond to the porn more and by extension, the live partner less. Counseling may be necessary to ferret this out. 

The crucial make or break here will be whether or not he cares about your relationship enough to:
1. Listen to you
2. Empathize with you
3. Take action to improve the situation. 

You can state your case, your needs, and your desires. But it's up to him to decide whether or not he's motivated by them enough to act.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annizka said:


> Thank you for your replies and inputs.
> 
> To answer a few questions, he is healthy overall and has an active life style.
> 
> ...


I would suggest that he stops the porn completely and see what happens. Some men find it harder and harder to be able to have normal sex with a real woman if they look at a lot of porn. Some like your husband cant get erections unless they are watching porn. You need to talk to him about it, especially as it upsets you and is badly effecting your sex life.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Annizka said:


> . As I’m writing this, I’m realizing maybe I should bite the bullet and bring up the subject with him. When should I bring it up? What should I say or avoid saying? I don’t want to say something that would further destroy his confidence.


Have the conversation outside of intimacy.

Although the fact that he isn't pleasing you sexually IS very important, focusing on that would be counter productive at the moment. Imagine you were a beginning bowler not very confident of your abilities and someone sits you down and tells you how very important it is to you that they bowl a strike..... not likely to increase your chance of success. Focus on how it's bowling together (well or not) that's important; how it's the fun of the game, not the results; that you don't care if he bowls a strike or not, but how much effort he puts into it. Hopefully these are close enough to your actual feelings to let you mean what you're saying.

Focus on intimacy that doesn't require an erect penis.

He doesn't need challenges at the moment. He needs some easy wins.

BUT, he has to pursue medical options seriously


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Annizka said:


> Thank you for your replies and inputs.
> 
> To answer a few questions, he is healthy overall and has an active life style.
> 
> ...


While this is understandable you need to fight for your marriage. It's hard (no pun intended) for guys to deal with this but lots of stuff in life is hard. I think @Anon Pink's steps are good tangible steps you can take and should. It will be hard for you but someone has to stand up for the health of your marriage.

And if it is porn that can really be a problem.  he should at least be aware of it. Porn in marriage is a touchy subject and many people have different thoughts on it. But it's like alcohol in the sense that even if you think it's fine it still has the potential to do damage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In tacit agreement with those who advocate your husbands partnership, @Annizka ~ with a good sex therapist and a urologist!

It will definitely take both of these professionals to work with him and help him solve these marital problems of his!

Best of luck to you both!*


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*First off, lets start here...*

First off, lets start here... Your H has issues, ok Let's deal with reality. 

A woman, is never more beautiful than when she I carrying YOUR baby. Never, until the next. If he does not realize that, he really has issues. I mean, their skin is do soft, they actually have a glow, they are carrying your child... Never will a woman be more beautiful than that period of time. 

For me, I had 3 kids, each time my Ex was pregnant, I literally though she was going to F*** me to death. I almost could not keep up. She wanted sex up to 10 times a day. I almost could not do it, and I was like 23 the first time. 

So for hubby, his mind in getting in the way. I may be Madonna/***** complex or it could be something else. 

He needs to get over this, it is probably in his big head. 

Some Viagra or Cialis would probably fix it, bet the mental thing has got to go...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

*Re: First off, lets start here...*



BluesPower said:


> First off, lets start here... Your H has issues, ok Let's deal with reality.
> 
> A woman, is never more beautiful than when she I carrying YOUR baby. Never, until the next. If he does not realize that, he really has issues. I mean, their skin is do soft, they actually have a glow, they are carrying your child... Never will a woman be more beautiful than that period of time.
> 
> ...


I never thought my wife was more beautiful while pregnant. 

Just sayin...

I wasn't repulsed . But definatly not more beautiful.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: First off, lets start here...*



chillymorn69 said:


> I never thought my wife was more beautiful while pregnant.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> I wasn't repulsed . But definatly not more beautiful.


To each his own... 

Think about it... She is putting her actual life in danger by carrying your child, for you. Is anything more beautiful than that. And at the end of 9 months, you have a beautiful child that is part of both of you. And when that child came out, you had an instant love that you did not know existed. Can anything be more beautiful? 

I don't think so. 

Yes, IMHO, My Ex W was never more beautiful than when she was pregnant, with all of my 3 kids.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

*Re: First off, lets start here...*



BluesPower said:


> To each his own...
> 
> Think about it... She is putting her actual life in danger by carrying your child, for you. Is anything more beautiful than that. And at the end of 9 months, you have a beautiful child that is part of both of you. And when that child came out, you had an instant love that you did not know existed. Can anything be more beautiful?
> 
> ...



I can see your point.

But I guess for me it was just not the same.


Why is she your EX?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: First off, lets start here...*



chillymorn69 said:


> I can see your point.
> 
> But I guess for me it was just not the same.
> 
> ...


Essentially, she was insane.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

If i were you, i would insist he go see a urologist, and have YOU come along to the visit too! Make SURE he asks for pills, like Viagra. There might be some problem in his plumbing that a urologist can see and fix.

Is he taking any medicines? Often they have bad sexual effects...this is especially true for anti depressants.

If he gets some pills and they do not work, then there is always a vacuum erection device and rubber constriction rings. 

And if that does not work, there are Trimix solution shots to give him an hour long hard on.

And failing all that....there are implants now to make a guy hard.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: First off, lets start here...*



chillymorn69 said:


> I never thought my wife was more beautiful while pregnant.
> 
> Just sayin...
> 
> I wasn't repulsed . But definatly not more beautiful.


It made no difference to me at all while my wife was pregnant.


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