# So confused, looking for experience and advice.



## Lucas

The somewhat short version: My wife and I have been married for 4 years, we have been together for 13. Through our dating there had been the occasional guy I caught her talking to and having an inappropriate relationship with and I had an in appropriate relationship with one lady, through college that was to be expected. After 1 year of marriage after some serious prying it came out that my Wife had been having a 6 month affair with a close friend of ours. Ouch. I accepted it and told her if she wanted out then she was free to go, I would even financially support her as she finished school. I knew there was only one way we could begin to repair the marriage and that was through God. We we got semi-involved in church, but never really dealt with the affair. She didn't want to talk about it and I watched her grieve over not having this guy in her life anymore. She didn't want to do any marriage counseling or books(Love and Respect/Love Dare). I never felt as if I was as important as this guy had been to her and was willing to do anything for her to put the smile on her face that he seemed to do with ease. Dealing with this on my own I began to build a wall and just put on a smile, thinking that someday she would come around. 3 years later, our sexless marriage(Brutal for a man), constant tension, and lack of putting God first in our lives, I reached a point that I thought I would never get to. Seeing our marriage crumble, our church that we had been attending on and off had a two day marriage conference that we were going to and I just knew this was what we needed to get us on the right track. Well, two days away from that conference she decides that we aren't going to go, but instead go out with our friends(Drinking and such). I can remember at that point giving up and I said to God "I give up, I know this marriage is going to crumble, so just let it go, I give up" I felt relieved that I wasn't going to try anymore, if she wanted to get angry with me over something, so what. Essentially I had a I don't care attitude towards her and towards our marriage. I kept my fake smile on for the most part, but lost all hope that this marriage was going to ever work. We stopped going to church and went out with our bad influencing friends, disagreements became more frequent, and it was a matter of time until she had enough. Just being around her made me sick. This life and newly acquired attitude led me to a place that I never dreamt I could be. I started having an affair..... Not out of anger, it just happened so fast, as many people have shared on here. She was someone that found me interesting and this and that, it just happened! The bizarre thing about it was that I have yet to feel any remorse for it. Current status: My wife wants to do all she can for us to take steps to repair our marriage. I want to be done with it. However, I can't bring myself to file for Divorce. I truly believe that we would both be happier not together. I know God can fix us and this marriage, there is no doubt in that. The dilemma is that my only motivation to stay in the marriage is to avoid the hassle of it all. I am in a limbo and it's not fair to her at all. I have been talking to the woman I had the affair with still and it is weighing on my heart that that has to stop. My prayer is for God to do what he wants in my life, with her I have never been able to be Christian that I should be, I know I can't blame her for that. I just want someone to hear my story and give any advice you can or feel. Through our dating I had tried to break it off several time as I felt in my heart that we shouldn't be together always getting drawn back in by sex:roll eyes: Thank you all for taking the time to read my story. Is divorce the answer?


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## RoseRed

Lucas - I do feel your pain, although my situation was quite different.

In the Christian realm of thought, you are what is called a 'foxhole christian'. Not to be harsh, but it is a term used for those that when finally reaching rock bottom in anything, they turn to God. It is great that you have done so, God is there for you in your greatest hour of need, but he is also very important when times are good too! It would be like ditching a best friend after they helped you through a tough time.


My advice, PLEASE SEEK COUNCIL! Both spiritually and secularly. Please open your heart to those that will not judge you, but guide you to becoming whole.

You cannot be a husband unless you become a man. The bible spells it out for you quite clearly of where your heart, mind, spirit and soul must be to fulfill your Godly manhood. I say the same for your wife... she must become a whole woman before she can really be a wife.

If neither of you can repent and be forgiving... then there is no marriage... God would never promote divorce, but he does wish you to be in peace. 

And as for your praying and asking God for guidance whilst you sit and wait, he's been telling you all along, you just haven't been listening... read the bible, attend a strong repuatable church, look for council from the church elders. They are there to help you! God demands that you take the initiative and seek help!! 

peace be with you... God Bless


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## cb45

hard for me to offer advice as.....

i get the notion u r lukewarm in too many ways to pick which
side of the fence u shall land on when the "shaking" really comes
yer way.

a moral upbringing thing? a generational thing? dunno.

u say u believe in God, have guilt feelings n all that but continue
on in same ways rather than go the way of change. 

WHEN i messed up many yrs ago, i was "battling" God for the
longest time and was in a wilderness period where HIS laws were not my priority based on aforementioned "battling" status.

IF i was not blown out (by spiritual warfare), methinks i'd advoided temptations &/or overcome them by the power
of my closer rel'shp with Jesus and the H>S> as my guide.

but that, is just an educated guess at this pt, for reality was
what it was.

get right/get tight with Jesus is yer only hope of salvation &
the overcoming deliverence (from adultery) He brings.
You & anybody/everybody else, for that matter

it NOW works exceptionally well for me

Thank you Jesus.


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## Lyn

Lucas said:


> Current status: My wife wants to do all she can for us to take steps to repair our marriage. I want to be done with it. However, I can't bring myself to file for Divorce. I truly believe that we would both be happier not together. I know God can fix us and this marriage, there is no doubt in that. The dilemma is that my only motivation to stay in the marriage is to avoid the hassle of it all. I am in a limbo and it's not fair to her at all. I have been talking to the woman I had the affair with still and it is weighing on my heart that that has to stop. My prayer is for God to do what he wants in my life, with her I have never been able to be Christian that I should be, I know I can't blame her for that. I just want someone to hear my story and give any advice you can or feel. Through our dating I had tried to break it off several time as I felt in my heart that we shouldn't be together always getting drawn back in by sex:roll eyes: Thank you all for taking the time to read my story. Is divorce the answer?



No.

First of all, if you are in contact with the woman with whom you had an affair, there is an emotional connection there which is inappropriate, many call it an emotional affair, so you are not in a place where you are prepared to repair your marriage with your wife when you have your back to her and your face toward another woman

In order to be a true follower of Christ, you must first of all stop chasing your own tail and then be brutally honest with yourself for your part in the situation, otherwise you are just playing head games and fooling yourself. 

God isn't fooled, but the beautiful thing is that God loves each one of us intimately and knows us even when we don't know ourselves and is still willing to help us correct our path. The key to the freedom in our relationship? If we want to be right with God, we need to be real with God. Our sin is not only against others, but against our Father. Humble yourself and ask forgiveness and direction. 

Now that the ball is in your court, treat your wife the way you promised God you would.

Best,

Lyn


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## Shaggy

You rug swept her affair, she never truly came back to the marriage, and then you hooked up with another woman.

Please put the rest of everything aside and realize that neither of you should be married to each other. Neither one of you seem to truly care cherish respect or love each other. You've only stayed together because you believe others like the church expect it of you. But you both cheated,both betrayed. Way too much anger and resentment built there, not to mention how could either of you ever trust the other again? You're both cheaters. You each need to take responsilbility for the selfish choices you have both made. Forget Christianity, becaus your both just hiding behind its words. you first need to learn to be true and honest to yourselves and each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyn

Shaggy said:


> Please put the rest of everything aside and realize that neither of you should be married to each other. Neither one of you seem to truly care cherish respect or love each other. You've only stayed together because you believe others like the church expect it of you. But you both cheated,both betrayed. Way too much anger and resentment built there, not to mention how could either of you ever trust the other again? You're both cheaters. You each need to take responsilbility for the selfish choices you have both made. Forget Christianity, becaus your both just hiding behind its words. you first need to learn to be true and honest to yourselves and each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



With all respect, Shaggy, IMO, of course, a cheater is someone who has no remorse, continues affairs and doesn't attempt to restore trust from their spouse. Marriages do recover from affairs, but it takes commitment.

Trust has to be cultivated by the one who had the affair...and then it comes to the point with the betrayed where a decision to trust has to be made...or not. None of these things will happen without the offender being honest with themselves and making themselves accountable and vulnerable to their mate.

Best,

Lyn


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## Shaggy

Yes marriages do recover, but not all of them. She cheated early in the marriage and they never really dealt with it, and she never emotionally returned to the marriage.

He has now left as well. She for whatever motivation wants to avoid a divorce, but he's gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45

and SO????????

"oh what a web we weave....."----shakespeare


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## A Bit Much

I'm afraid that if you don't try the reconcilation with your wife, you're going to compromise what God has planned for both of you. A sincere try is what's in order, even if you don't necessarily 'feel' it right now. I believe that changes over time if there's a sincere commitment. Maybe she's come to a place where she's wanting to spiritually reconnect with you like God instructs her to do in I Peter, ch. 3.

Don't let her go yet. Not until you really truly work on repairing your marriage. You have to stop the affair to truly do this. I'm sure you know this, and it will be very hard considering what you and your wife have been through, but it must be done.


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## Bartimaus

OP you are getting some very good advice from everyone and it's all free!
But if you and her want to try and heal this marriage it will cost you dearly...will cost you your 'self' and cost her,her 'self'.
Heed the advice and you and her face yourselves first. Then find a good praying church and give your 'self',your all to God.
That's not easy and I too am struggling with it but my wife wants neither me nor God it appears.
It isn't easy to offer ourselves on the alter of sacrifice if we want to do our own thing.


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