# Marriage in trouble. Need help!



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

I have been married for 30 years. Got married at 18. My husband used to be physically abusive and after 21 years I finally left him. We reconciled after 7 months with help of counseling. He doesn't put his hands on me anymore but he is emotionally not connected to me. We don't share life. We don't share responsibilities. He works and comes home. He neglects all yard and household maintenance duties with the excuse that he works. He has never wanted me to work and honestly, my life is easier with him when I don't. I was a stay at home mom and now with a chronically I'll 30 year old daughter, I'm a stay at home grandmother and care taker of our daughter. I do all home chores, run all errands, homeschool my anxiety ridden, autistic grandson and have to run my daughter to hospitals constantly. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. My husband makes promises to help or do maintenance on our home and yard and those things never happen. If they do it's after several months and a fight. Then he's mad about it and does a halfway job. He never does anything with me or for me unless it's my suggestion. I always pick out and buy my own gifts. Pick out and buy all of our grandsons and kids gifts. I also buy all of his clothing, shoes and necessities. I feel like a maid and his mother. Not his partner. He promises to change. And maybe for a day or a week he does and then he's right back to the old him. I am so unhappy and alone. I've always been faithful and would never consider stepping outside our marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore. After 30 years and no job how do I just walk away? Do I love a miserable existence from now on? I have literally told him how to fix us. He says he doesn't want to fight, grabs a snack and sits to watch TV or play on his phone, while I go about taking care of kids and home. I have come to resent him so much. It's getting harder to look at him and not feel depressed. I don't go to bed til near time for him to get up in the morning. He's not romantic in the least. He makes lewd gestures or grabs me inappropriately if he wants sex. And I have never been satisfied in that department. Not in 30 years. He doesn't seem to mind that either. But every time I try to leave or threaten to leave, he's so remorseful and promises to change, to fix it. That never happens. This is my fault, right? Because here I am still putting up with it and still miserable. But with the sick daughter and grandson to care for, how do I change anything?
Any words of wisdom out there?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you pick out gifts for everyone including yourself and him and then buy them with the money he works for, correct?
You spend all your time taking care of your daughter, autistic grandchild, and are mentally and physically exhausted?
He comes home from work after providing for not only himself, but three other people, and you need him to do more? 

personally, I think your life sounds terrible.
His sounds just as bad. I wonder why neither of you are happy? (Not really)


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You need to answer the old Ann Landers Q: Are you better off with him or without him? 

It's easy for us to say divorce him because he won't change but where does that leave you? 

At age 50 what marketable skills do you have that will enable you to get a job, after never having worked outside the home, that will pay you a living wage & provide health insurance? If you go to work full time, where does that leave your chronically ill daughter and your grandson? Is your daughter getting disability benefits? Where is the grandson's father? 

Seriously, where will you live? There is no guarentee you will get the house. Even if you do, how will you pay the taxes & the utility bills? If your STBXH doesn't earn much, you will not get much in alimony. Because your daughter is over 18, there will be no child support. 

Frankly you need to do the math before you see a lawyer or decide to cheat. 

If the numbers don't work out so you can be independent, I would stick around but basically ignore him. Treat him like some sort of roommate you tolerate but don't actually like. Do your own thing. Have friends, do your hobbies, go places & hire somebody to do the outside work he's neglecting. Put dinner on the table but don't be mean to him. It's not ideal but with the right mindset it could be tolerable. It sounds better than being broke, hungry & living in squaller and still having to take care of everybody else.


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you pick out gifts for everyone including yourself and him and then buy them with the money he works for, correct?
> You spend all your time taking care of your daughter, autistic grandchild, and are mentally and physically exhausted?
> He comes home from work after providing for not only himself, but three other people, and you need him to do more?
> 
> ...


Yes...I need him to spend some of the 16 hour shifts in the ER with our daughter while I try to sleep before spending the day doing everyone's biddi


Evinrude58 said:


> So you pick out gifts for everyone including yourself and him and then buy them with the money he works for, correct?
> You spend all your time taking care of your daughter, autistic grandchild, and are mentally and physically exhausted?
> He comes home from work after providing for not only himself, but three other people, and you need him to do more?
> 
> ...


Wow....sarcasm.
Helpful!


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You need to answer the old Ann Landers Q: Are you better off with him or without him?
> 
> It's easy for us to say divorce him because he won't change but where does that leave you?
> 
> ...


I have looked at it from every aspect I can. I would never cheat. That's one place I would never go. Despite how unhappy I am. I hate feeling like I'm alone in everything.
I know I really don't have many options. As yes, my needing to care for my daughter and grandson trump my feelings and needs. Always will. I'm not a selfish person. But I too need care. I cannot be the only one giving it. His paycheck is not worth my misery. And what kind of marriage is that that we should be together because we can't afford not to be. 
But again, of I want to care for my kids and grandson I have no choice. I just feel life is too short to spend what little time you have being miserable all of the time.
Good advice though on doing more for myself and living some outside of his needs. I need that. In the past that's always been a fight. But he's going to have to compromise somewhere.
I can't keep this up.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@ichum00


I get it. You are between a rock & hard place but only you can draw the line. 
You say "he's going to have to compromise somewhere." He's not. He's not unhappy. He doesn't give a flying F. . fig. 

Live for yourself & don't fight with him when he complains. Say something passive aggressive like "I will stop [doing whatever it is that is upsetting him] when you start doing household chores & maintenance on a regular basis". When he says he doesn't want to fight & grabs a snack before going & sitting to watch TV, you need to be more like that & not care what he thinks or is yelling about. Treat him as dismissively as he treats you.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

@Ichum000 ...I do get it. We also take care of our brain injured daughter. 34yrs old. It's not easy and can be exhausting. Maybe it's possible to get some outside help , to take the load off of you. 

I'm just assuming that your husband is NOT going to change. Try to put some money away each week. A nest egg , for the just in case. 

Next time don't just threaten , go spend a few days at an area hotel. Cut all contact

He will either come around or you will have a clear path forward .


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

Thank you. I usually just end up doing it myself because it's not going to get done otherwise. I'm going to let him do his own thing and I'm going to start leaving him alone to do it. I have to get out of this house and away from him more. Even if it's just for a drive.


----------



## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Yes, it is your fault for putting up with this for 30 years and now your stuck, because you have no way of supporting yourself or your family. Rather than buying gifts you should be saving money so you can attempt to get yourself out of this situation. 

At this point you need to start getting advice from professionals. Call the domestic abuse hotline. Call your counselor. Call 211. Call an attorney.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

lchum000 said:


> I have looked at it from every aspect I can. I would never cheat. That's one place I would never go. Despite how unhappy I am. I hate feeling like I'm alone in everything.
> I know I really don't have many options. As yes, my needing to care for my daughter and grandson trump my feelings and needs. Always will. I'm not a selfish person. But I too need care. I cannot be the only one giving it. His paycheck is not worth my misery. And what kind of marriage is that that we should be together because we can't afford not to be.
> But again, of I want to care for my kids and grandson I have no choice. I just feel life is too short to spend what little time you have being miserable all of the time.
> Good advice though on doing more for myself and living some outside of his needs. I need that. In the past that's always been a fight. But he's going to have to compromise somewhere.
> I can't keep this up.


If you divorced you should get alimony. And your daughter should be on disability.

Learn to live on this as money. Leave him. At first life might be harder due to less money but in the long run you'll be happier and have the chance of meeting someone who doesn't think a paycheck is all they have to do.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I see an awful lot of victim-blaming and ‘you should s’. I’m sorry about this, I think many people in life have told you what you ‘should’ have done differently, but not many people have held your abuser so accountable have they?

I see that nobody is asking you, or has ever asked you, what you do need? I can understand in your situation, why you haven’t been able to work, and why you can’t. 

Abuse comes in many forms, and one mode of power is that one secretly likes the partner to not work, works long hours, and then plays the game of being tired, disconnected and palms all the emotional labour of child-rearing, along with the entitlement and control: I work, you don’t, therefore I am the leader. It also means that you stay dependant and can never leave. It’s not always the bruises that make it easy for outsiders to clearly see, is it? I’ve seen women do this to men too, they slowly reduce their husband’s hours, and can then complain ‘he does nothing all day’. It’s a brilliant control tactic that not many people even know about. A slow whittling down of a person’s social standing. 

But you do mention physical abuse. You mention it has stopped, but insidiously you are kept busy, isolated and neglected. The abuse cycle is still alive and thriving. 

So let’s go back to how you left him before, what was life like when you were successfully able to leave an intolerable abusive situation, and live without him? How did you come to leave? 

When you say counselling and help and reconciliation, was there any outside intervention that led to this? Meaning, outside support services for you or him where it may have been court-ordered?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

And as for buying gifts, you have the right to purchase gifts for your family. You are a human, and all of us buy gifts for our loved ones. You have the right to choose a gift for yourself if nobody else sees you.


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> @Ichum000 ...I do get it. We also take care of our brain injured daughter. 34yrs old. It's not easy and can be exhausting. Maybe it's possible to get some outside help , to take the load off of you.
> 
> I'm just assuming that your husband is NOT going to change. Try to put some money away each week. A nest egg , for the just in case.
> 
> ...


I have already started putting money back. I have thought about taking off for a few days but can't do that to my grandson and my daughter. 
Just going to start taking myself out to eat and to a movie. He doesn't offer to take me. I will take myself.
Thank you


Anastasia6 said:


> If you divorced you should get alimony. And your daughter should be on disability.
> 
> Learn to live on this as money. Leave him. At first life might be harder due to less money but in the long run you'll be happier and have the chance of meeting someone who doesn't think a paycheck is all they have to do.


Thank you. My daughter was approved for disability 6 months ago after 4 years of fighting it. But SS has messed something up (their admission) and she has yet to receive penny. Alimony is something that never crossed my mind. I know I would be entitled to half of his profit sharing/retirement. But that would be once a divorce was finalized. I have decided to stick back every penny I can until I have enough to make it a year and then leave. 
It's not like I just woke up one day and decided this. I just stopped long enough to wonder if I would always be this miserable if I stayed. I don't want to die wondering if I couldve lived a happy life if only....
Thank you for your advice


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I see an awful lot of victim-blaming and ‘you should s’. I’m sorry about this, I think many people in life have told you what you ‘should’ have done differently, but not many people have held your abuser so accountable have they?
> 
> I see that nobody is asking you, or has ever asked you, what you do need? I can understand in your situation, why you haven’t been able to work, and why you can’t.
> 
> ...


After a couple of years of therapy on my own, I don't recognize his manipulative behavior for what it is. I just didn't see it early enough. I was so happy when we're separated. Things were hard for a while. Trying to split weekends taking care of our grandson. And he ( my grandson) is what gave me the courage to leave him the first time. I loved through so much abuse from him physical and emotional for too many years. Our kids bore witness to a lot of it. I didn't want to also have my grandson living that life. So, I decided out of the blue after he said some degrading words to me while holding the baby, that I wasn't doing it anymore.
After 6 months of him begging, I finally agreed to marriage counseling which is something he never would of even offered before. We went 8 times....
I see a therapist now because I started having severe anxiety which lead to constant heart palpitations. He has promised me twice this last year to seek therapy himself. He went once after I finally made him an appt myself. He hasn't been back and made no move to find a new therapist. When I point this out, he tells me doesn't need one now 
And you are right.... he always made sure that I felt ugly and unliveable. Actually has told me that no ody else would want me. I had no self esteem when I left him before. I think honestly that's the biggest reason I agreed to therapy. I wish I could go back and do that all over. 
Our daughter got sick in 2016. About a year after our reconciliation. If not for being caregiver to both her and my grandson, I don't think I'd have so much trouble leaving. It's not being able to care for them as I need to that worries me now.
Yet, that's also a new and valid reason that I cannot have a job. He likes to point out that there's nobody else to take her to the hospital in an emergency or take care of grandsons many appointments and schooling. He's in therapy now as well. Then he tells .e my knees couldn't handle standing all day at a job. Yet I seem to manage 18 hours a day here. 
I have no doubts that he loves me. I just know now that it's the toxic kind. I do love him. I just don't feel "in love" with him. And my mother is a very narcissistic woman. She knew he was physically abusing me. I tried to get in the car with her to leave one day when she was visiting because as soon as she walked out the door he started. She pushed me away and told me that I needed to go work it out and she wasn't getting in the middle of it. 
She used my sister and I for whatever she could get from us my entire life. Until my therapist helped me cut her from my life. I started working a full time job at age 12. I was told that if I wanted to use the telephone, then I would pay the bill. I also got to pay the gas bill, and buy most of my own clothing and food to hoard in my room.
We were not poor by any means. But my mother was not good with money and my step father was a bad alcoholic and liked to spend his check sometimes before he made it home with it.
I feel like a selfish person if I take a moment for myself. Somebody always needs me for some reason or another. But I am so tired. Physically and mentally. 
My daughter does try and make sure I do something for myself on occasion. But she will usually end up in the hospital anytime I try to make plans for that.
I don't know if I even know how to do something for myself at this point. That's ad, isn't it? I feel pathetic. I suppose that why I don't talk to my few friends about these things.
Embarrassing!
Thank you for the validation


----------



## lchum000 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> And as for buying gifts, you have the right to purchase gifts for your family. You are a human, and all of us buy gifts for our loved ones. You have the right to choose a gift for yourself if nobody else sees you.


I only wish my husband cared enough to see me. To try and buy something for me on his own. To care enough to do that. He always says he doesn't know what to get. He doesn't know what I like. We've been married for 30 years. He's taken that little interest in what makes me happy?


----------

