# Intimate questions for your partner/spouse.



## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Hello everyone, I am a new member and this is my first post on TAM. I have been reading the forum for a couple weeks now and have been really entertained and enlightened at the same time. I had to sign up so I could join in on the fun and to grow as a man and a lover. Just a little quick background. I am 40 years old and have been married for 12 years and a father. Over that time there have been some good times and some great times in the relationship and under the covers. Fortunately, there have been very few down periods over the first 10 years. However, the last two have been my first experience of those tough and trying times at least for me they have been. I am very open and communicate with my wife freely and easily. Probably so much so she would rather I shut up sometimes. LOL. I am always trying to come up with new and fun ways for us to connect and bond intimately with each other. She is more reserved than i am with sharing her thoughts so I really have to make her feel comfortable and encourage her to share. I have been trying to think of an easy and fun way to get her to share more. So i want us both to find a quiet place and some free time and come up with a list if 10 intimate/sexual questions to ask each other. We will swap questions and answer as honestly and openly as possible. We should learn even more about each other and may come up with some new and exciting ways to get our passion and desire back. I have to say I have never lost mine for her the last couples years but everyone knows both have to be on the same page for the fireworks to fly. I am thinking anout questions of a fantasy, or what really excites her, her favorite spot to be touched, how i can make her feel more sexy and romantic, how I would like to be touched, etc. I would love to get everyones thoughts on their best questions they would love to be able to ask their partner and get a 100% honest answer. Even if you know they might not ever answer or share, what would you want to know sexually/intimately about your partner that you dont already know. Please dont hold back with your suggestions. No question is off the table and too blunt. I cant wait to read everyone's responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

James,
It's a great idea. Gentle suggestion. Ask her to list 5 things that perhaps are not obvious, but that are turn OFFs for her. Eliminating turn offs is every bit as important as identifying turn one. 

So:
- 5 turn offs (these are things that you actually are doing that you don't realize impact her desire)
- five turn ons 







Jamestone said:


> Hello everyone, I am a new member and this is my first post on TAM. I have been reading the forum for a couple weeks now and have been really entertained and enlightened at the same time. I had to sign up so I could join in on the fun and to grow as a man and a lover. Just a little quick background. I am 40 years old and have been married for 12 years and a father. Over that time there have been some good times and some great times in the relationship and under the covers. Fortunately, there have been very few down periods over the first 10 years. However, the last two have been my first experience of those tough and trying times at least for me they have been. I am very open and communicate with my wife freely and easily. Probably so much so she would rather I shut up sometimes. LOL. I am always trying to come up with new and fun ways for us to connect and bond intimately with each other. She is more reserved than i am with sharing her thoughts so I really have to make her feel comfortable and encourage her to share. I have been trying to think of an easy and fun way to get her to share more. So i want us both to find a quiet place and some free time and come up with a list if 10 intimate/sexual questions to ask each other. We will swap questions and answer as honestly and openly as possible. We should learn even more about each other and may come up with some new and exciting ways to get our passion and desire back. I have to say I have never lost mine for her the last couples years but everyone knows both have to be on the same page for the fireworks to fly. I am thinking anout questions of a fantasy, or what really excites her, her favorite spot to be touched, how i can make her feel more sexy and romantic, how I would like to be touched, etc. I would love to get everyones thoughts on their best questions they would love to be able to ask their partner and get a 100% honest answer. Even if you know they might not ever answer or share, what would you want to know sexually/intimately about your partner that you dont already know. Please dont hold back with your suggestions. No question is off the table and too blunt. I cant wait to read everyone's responses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> James,
> It's a great idea. Gentle suggestion. Ask her to list 5 things that perhaps are not obvious, but that are turn OFFs for her. Eliminating turn offs is every bit as important as identifying turn one.
> 
> So:
> ...


And even if it bruises your ego just a bit, when she tells you something is a turn-off, don't argue with her about it, tell her it's never bothered any other women/lovers, or keep doing it hoping she'll get on board. If it turns her off, it makes her not want to have sex with you. So, just stop it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Only turn off my wife mentioned... DRAMA

She hates drama she says its a HUGE turn off.

Ok then. Do something.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Nice idea but if your wife is truly closed than I would not expect much in the way of new and interesting information. 

The usual response is "I like what we are doing"

Honestly I gave up a long time ago on thinking my wife might have anything interesting to say about sex.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Honestly I gave up a long time ago on thinking my wife might have anything interesting to say about sex.


If my ex would have said "Yes", now _that_ would have been interesting!

OP, this is an interesting idea, and good for you that you are trying to find ways to make things better for you both. In my current marriage, we have open and frequent communication about our sexual needs and desires, and are constantly figuring out new ways to keep the excitement alive. (It's more of a challenge as we get older and deal with reduced/imbalanced hormone levels, but so far we've had great success.)

An example: She really likes to have the anticipation build ahead of time, as it's harder to get in the mood spontaneously because of the hormone issues. To get her thinking and anticipating throughout the day, either of us can put a note on the fridge about some specifics we have in mind for the evening about what we want or want to do to each other. Then we make it happen!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Nice idea but if your wife is truly closed than I would not expect much in the way of new and interesting information.
> 
> The usual response is "I like what we are doing"
> 
> Honestly I gave up a long time ago on thinking my wife might have anything interesting to say about sex.


Along those same lines, I'd be surprised if she comes up with 3 questions to ask you.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

These are some really good ideas. Thanks for all the suggestions. Like hearing from botb sides too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Along those same lines, I'd be surprised if she comes up with 3 questions to ask you.


I sent her a little reminder this morning about her list. She aske me when she needed to have it done. I told her a good girl would have it done in a day or two but a bad girl would take longer and need to get spankings. She texted back and said "would she be a bad girl if she said she liked my spankings?" I think she was just teasing because she has never seemed to be excited or happy when i spank her once in a while during sex. Then she sent a pic of a womans butt with a hand print on it. Hmmmmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Jamestone said:


> I sent her a little reminder this morning about her list. She aske me when she needed to have it done. I told her a good girl would have it done in a day or two but a bad girl would take longer and need to get spankings. She texted back and said "would she be a bad girl if she said she liked my spankings?" I think she was just teasing because she has never seemed to be excited or happy when i spank her once in a while during sex. Then she sent a pic of a womans butt with a hand print on it. Hmmmmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's good! If she can be playful about sex, you may get her to open up! Have fun!

You might ask her something like what is her best sexual memory between you two. Have you ever done anything that she wants you to do again.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I have that question on there about anything she enjoys and wishes i would do more often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She's playful. That's good. 

Try this:

We are going to wrestle on the bed for two minutes. If I can pin you within two minutes you will give me a strip tease after which you will do whatever I say for a half hour. 

If I don't pin you in two minutes, I will give you a full body massage for 20 minutes after which I will do whatever you say for 30 minutes. 






QUOTE=Jamestone;7947610]I have that question on there about anything she enjoys and wishes i would do more often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Sounds like a fun idea. i might have to change the stakes so she tries harder. She could not stop me in 2 minutes. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idellzaiti (Mar 31, 2014)

She hates drama she says its a HUGE turn off.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Try this:
> 
> We are going to wrestle on the bed for two minutes. If I can pin you within two minutes you will give me a strip tease after which you will do whatever I say for a half hour.
> 
> If I don't pin you in two minutes, I will give you a full body massage for 20 minutes after which I will do whatever you say for 30 minutes.


That sounds like a fun idea 

(Except in my case, as a martial arts grappling instructor, I can pin her in under 2 seconds ... *sigh*)


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> She's playful. That's good.
> 
> Try this:
> 
> ...


[/QUOTE]

Sounds fun! I am doing this tonight.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I dont know. Let me know how yours turns out and I will do the same when we share ours this week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jamestone said:


> I sent her a little reminder this morning about her list. She aske me when she needed to have it done. I told her a good girl would have it done in a day or two but a bad girl would take longer and need to get spankings. She texted back and said "would she be a bad girl if she said she liked my spankings?" I think she was just teasing because she has never seemed to be excited or happy when i spank her once in a while during sex. Then she sent a pic of a womans butt with a hand print on it. Hmmmmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh beHave! 

:smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> She's playful. That's good.
> 
> Try this:
> 
> ...


Full body in 20 mins? ....I'd be after the 20 minutes as a foot rub and then 30mins as a back rub. Which is why I'd have to approve this idea!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good luck Jamestone... let us know how it goes!


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Well of course it took me a couple hours to finish my list. i told her about this idea 4 days ago and she still says she has not forgotten when i ask but she id not done yet. This is what kills me. Really? She could not find an hour to sit down and come up with these. I get so frustrated sometimes. Thanks guys for your support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Jamestone said:


> I dont know. Let me know how yours turns out and I will do the same when we share ours this week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I gave her the the choice of starting positions. We started with me laying on my stomach and her on top of me. I flipped her and pinned her in about 10 seconds  but she kept claiming that her leg wasn't pinned. :rofl:

So we each ended up getting 15 minutes of rubbing, which of course led to some pretty amazing sex. That was good because we had a very off night the night before, and that almost never happens with us. I'm talking crazy off like can't find the rhythm, my mouth getting tired after a few seconds of oral, bed squeeking like crazy, kids getting up and wandering the halls. It was just nuts.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jamestone said:


> Well of course it took me a couple hours to finish my list. i told her about this idea 4 days ago and she still says she has not forgotten when i ask but she id not done yet. This is what kills me. Really? She could not find an hour to sit down and come up with these. I get so frustrated sometimes. Thanks guys for your support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She needs to be (and show) that she's interested (if she actually is), that she wants to do this too, and perhaps to know that she can trust you - to want to open up this way to you. 

How did she respond to the idea when you first suggested this?


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> She needs to be (and show) that she's interested (if she actually is), that she wants to do this too, and perhaps to know that she can trust you - to want to open up this way to you.
> 
> How did she respond to the idea when you first suggested this?


She was fine with it and it seemed like she thought it was a good idea. Another thing is I am the one always coming up with things like this for us to share and do together. She never does something or suggest anything we should do to light a fire or stir the passion. Its my idea or just day to day be married and parents. What happened to our relationship? Is being a good spouse just as important as being a good parent? To me it is. I dont love her less because we have kids. I dont show her any less affection and desire. But she feels its her job to be a mom now and we had our time as lovers/partners. Now we just need to be parents and grow old together. Sorry but thats so wrong to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

She use to flirt all the time and could not keep her hands off me. Now its just occasional flirting and it never leads to anything physical. Honestly, its torture. I would rather she not flirt if she never follows up with real actions. She will not be aggressive with me at all. She will not initiate. She lays in bed and ask me to touch her or give her oral. Never kisses me or climbs on top of me or pulls me into another room just to kiss for 2 minutes, nothing. Its go to bed, her I am if you want some but hurry cause i am tired. For two years its been like this and I have still maintained desire and passion for her. But now its fading because i am getting nothing in return and she says she understands but she just does not feel good about herself. I am thinking how can you feel good enough to lay on your back and ask me to give you oral till you orgasm or ask me to PIV her. But you cant show me any effort and lust me or ravish my body? You cant have sex with you on top? Not once have we done that in 2 years. But she wants her kisses her oral her intercourse. There is just no emotional connection and intimacy. Its all like a routine and scripted. I hate it and its killing my own sex drive not to mention making me feel less and less desirable which in turn is shutting me down and I have always had a huge sex drive. I am lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jamestone said:


> I am 40 years old and have been married for 12 years and a father. Over that time there have been some good times and some great times in the relationship and under the covers. Fortunately, there have been very few down periods over the first 10 years. However, the last two have been my first experience of those tough and trying times at least for me they have been.
> 
> *I am very open and communicate with my wife freely and easily.* Probably so much so she would rather I shut up sometimes. LOL.* I am always trying to come up with new and fun ways for us to connect and bond intimately with each other.* She is more reserved than i am with sharing her thoughts so I really have to make her feel comfortable and encourage her to share.
> 
> ...


 You sound alot like me, I am more the talkative creative partner in our marriage... I so enjoy coming up with new stuff to do, try, talk deeply about fantasies.... I have a couple suggestions for you...

*1.* Buy this game >> Kinky World » Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game Review ... even without the board, you can keep these cards by your bedside...and have lots of fun, endless ideas, questions...we have this.. and it's just GREAT for ...well....discovering more about your Lover...the cards keep it a surprise & do it all for you...
*2. * Do a "Spice Jar"...







...I did a thread on this....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...esire-foreplay-be4-foreplay-ideas-please.html
...
honestly My husband sucked at looking at what I wrote and I caused a fight or 2 about it....I have found just us reading together, and my taking initiative -for something NEW - is just the better way...otherwise I get a little frustrated.... he is not the creative force I am.. and I am not going to make him be this.. but he gives me his desire, and wants to be there.. so I needed to get over it... But it is worth a try.. this female poster explains how it helped their marriage...on one of my threads...



Inside_Looking_Out said:


> The one thing that has helped my husband create the illusion of 'taking more initiative and control' are our 'Desire Jars' that we made over a year ago.
> 
> We needed a better way of getting what we needed from the other person. So, I contrived a way to get what we wanted, without having to nag about wanting it all the time.
> 
> ...





Jamestone said:


> She was fine with it and it seemed like she thought it was a good idea. Another thing is I am the one always coming up with things like this for us to share and do together. She never does something or suggest anything we should do to light a fire or stir the passion. Its my idea or just day to day be married and parents. *What happened to our relationship? Is being a good spouse just as important as being a good parent? To me it is. I dont love her less because we have kids. I dont show her any less affection and desire. But she feels its her job to be a mom now and we had our time as lovers/partners. Now we just need to be parents and grow old together. Sorry but thats so wrong to me.*


It is wrong Jamestone....I myself in our past, was a little too focused on our kids ...kinda left husband hanging on the back burner...always loved sex....but he didn't shake it up & try new things...I give you credit for holding the candle here -and doing all you can...

Does she take Birth control or meds that could be messing with her sex drive? When women (I shouldn't say all) enter mid life , some of us have a HUGE boost in libido ....she won't know hat hit her...her mind will disconnect from the kids if this happens... Mine sure did ! Then I got to see how men feel - when we are "ho hum" ...and not "getting " the adventurous novelty driven sex drive.



> *Jamestone said*: She use to flirt all the time and could not keep her hands off me. *Now its just occasional flirting and it never leads to anything physical. Honestly, its torture. I would rather she not flirt if she never follows up with real actions. She will not be aggressive with me at all. She will not initiate.*
> 
> She lays in bed and ask me to touch her or give her oral. Never kisses me or climbs on top of me or pulls me into another room just to kiss for 2 minutes, nothing. Its go to bed, her I am if you want some but hurry cause i am tired. For two years its been like this and I have still maintained desire and passion for her.
> 
> ...


 I am sorry to say this...but your wife sounds very selfish...and the way you are feeling right now...ANY HUSBAND WOULD....she is as much spitting on what I would call an "emotional need" of yours...not listening to you, or putting any effort into it at all.....

Can I ask...is there any resentments in the marriage on her end?


Do you meet her "love Languages"? You both need to have a heart to heart talk on this..if you feel the emotional connection has been lost...something is amiss...she needs to understand HOW deep, how wide, how high , how low...you are feeling...and it has the potential to destroy your marriage...as now YOU are building the resentment wall towards her.

Some links that might shed some light....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

While it may not be intentional on your wife's part, I agree with SA's thoughts that she sounds selfish by not considering your touch and intimacy needs. I also wonder if she could be harboring resentment and/or if she has needs (outside of the bedroom) that aren't being met by you. This isn't all on her; just as it's not all on you.

Why go along with her indication of the routine that's developed, feeling the way you do? Albeit you're attempting to shake things up and good for you for trying something new. 

She's tired, you're seeking emotional connection through sex and intimacy with her, how about taking it back a step? Start simple with mutual foot-rubs on the couch together (you rub her feet while she rubs yours), that kind of thing. 

I'd be considering each others needs (both in and outside the bedroom), communication (expectations and boundaries), and the need to approach this together.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Can I ask...is there any resentments in the marriage on her end?
> 
> 
> Do you meet her "love Languages"? You both need to have a heart to heart talk on this..if you feel the emotional connection has been lost...something is amiss...she needs to understand HOW deep, how wide, how high , how low...you are feeling...and it has the potential to destroy your marriage...as now YOU are building the resentment wall towards her.


:iagree:

And hopefully it could be a heart to heart that encourages the best for your marriage... over blame and negativity, while still being able to express and be on each others team.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

ask her to tell you the specific thought/thoughts she had last time she masturbated. What was it that psuhed her over the edge? what was going through her head right as she was about to cum.


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