# He needs to be "alone"- Please help me



## Alone383 (Nov 25, 2011)

I dated a man I love deeply for over 1.5 years. We started our relationship just as he was divorcing his wife of 7 yrs, due to her infidelity. He has two young children and although I was initially wary of getting involved too soon, he assured me back then that he was ready to move on. Our relationship was "practically perfect" in his own words. We barely fought, he treated me amazing, we texted nearly every day and spent lots of loving quality time together. He always said he loved me. We would dream about a future life together, eloping, what we would name our kids. Then, a couple months ago, he suddenly told me that he feels like he needs to be alone in life right now. He had some financial issues that have since been worked out, he has had ongoing battles with his ex over child custody, periodic work related stresses, and feelings of being a failure for being in his early 30s, divorced, and living with his parents again. He started going to a therapist at my urging and now goes weekly. We tried to just have "time apart" for awhile, but I was falling apart and it was confusing and wasn't working. But even after lots of time to himself he still says he is a mess and doesn't know if he will ever want to get married or have kids again. What happened? He had been openly saving for an engagement ring, and he told his parents he couldn't be without me just back in March.

I'm devastated. I feel like I am losing the love of my life and my whole world is falling apart. Is this some sort of life crisis that will pass (and if so, how long will it last?), or depression (why now, why did he last 1.5 yrs before it kicked in?), or what? How can someone just flip a switch like that?

Please give me some advice. I know this is a marriage forum and we weren't married, but I feel his issues are stemming from his former marriage and divorce. Apparently she treated him very poorly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, for him, the honeymoon is over. He divorced, and now wants time for himself. Sad to say, but maybe you were the rebound to help him through his issues/divorce and distract him and now he's ready to just be alone for a while.

While it sucks...it's a good lesson to not get involved with people who are coming out of such a horrible relationship/situation.


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## Alone383 (Nov 25, 2011)

I have had that thought, but I'm not sure. A couple months ago he said he was afraid of getting hurt again. He has said that although I have never acted resentful that he has kids, he has at times been ashamed to resent them himself and so can't understand why I wouldn't. He is afraid of getting divorced again. Recently, he told me that he has been such a mess that he nearly committed himself. I believe that he really is as conflicted as he says. I just don't know why now, after all this time, or how I should handle it. Do I keep trying to fight for our relationship and to be there for him, or do I cut all contact and give up? I know this sounds dumb. Everyone who knew us as a couple was stunned to hear what happened. We had an amazing relationship. I just believe that true love is so rare and shouldn't be given up on...

I agree the timing was horrendous. But hindsight is 20/20 and I can't erase our history. :-(


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

In your situation, as much as it would suck, i would just give him his time.

He sounds like a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt you...but for some reason, he's just done right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is it possible that he has hooked up with his cheating Ex and is feeling torn?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Maybe he just feels his life is out of control and he needs to simplify and find his authentic self. Give him time and he may emerge sooner than you think... but of course it means there is a chance that he may not re-attach with you. Either way it seems he is telling you what he wants/needs right now.


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