# He's not talking to me



## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

I know you've all probably heard this many times, so I appreciate your bearing with me. 

My husband and I were in danger of losing our house due to taxes and I asked my husband to take care of getting things straightened out and getting our house off the 'market.' He waited until the very last minute and we ended up losing our house. That house meant a great deal to me. I had it before he put his name on it and had lived there before he moved in. He doesn't want to talk about it. 

He has a lot of pride and never apologizes, never wants to talk about anything, and thinks I am 'accusing' him of something when I ask him a simple question. I am now at my parents' house and have been here for almost a week. I am trying to get some communication going between us via email and he has either given me one-liner emails or not responded at all.

I know I do things that bother him. I am all for marriage counselling, open communication, compromise, and anything necessary to make the marriage work to our mutual satisfaction. I am rather disappointed that he has not made more of an effort to talk with me. It seems that he thinks I'm going to go back home and drop the subject. We've been dealing with these kinds of issues for some time and I have always forgiven him and given him the benefit of the doubt (bad day, whatever). I wanted to talk about the issue with the house and he wanted to do a radio show with his friends. I asked him if his marriage was more important than a radio show and he refused to answer. I pressed him and he finally said, 'no.' I left for my parents' house that night.

I would actually have reacted differently if he had said that it WAS more important, but needed to do the show and would talk with me right after he was done.

I'm still willing to work this out (some things will have to change, though), but I know I can't force him to talk. I'm wondering what my next move should be.

Thanks very much for reading!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like your husband is embarrassed/ashamed of his actions losing the house.

If this is the case, he probably beats himself up more than you ever could on the topic.

When big financial things like this happen it can destroy a marriage. So giving him some space right now with no emotional talks for a while might be a good idea. 

and then you get into counseling on your own to work out how to approach this with him.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, it sounds like he is really ashamed about losing the house. We guys put a great deal on our shoulders as it relates to needing to feel like a man, and that is an enormous failure on his part that he has likely stressed over for a very long time. Depending on how you've "poked" him about it, I wouldn't be surprised it he would respond short, coldly, or say something like the radio show is more important than his marriage, in anger/frustration.

I agree with EleGirl. I think he could use some space right now, maybe even a degree of support. In a, "I know you are beating yourself up right now. I won't say that you shouldn't be, because this was a pretty darn big deal, but I do want you to know that I still love you and I believe we can recover from this. When you are ready, I'd like to try to tackle some of the communication issues I think we might have that led to this happening, and also talk about how WE can support each other a little better as well, so that you don't have to feel like these kinds of things in the future rest fully on your shoulders alone.

I remember not long ago we needed to book flights/hotel for a wedding out of state, and since I typically am a "deal finder" I volunteered to handle it. At the same time, our finances are tight, income is down, and while I booked the flights, I didn't feel comfortable dipping further into our savings for the $400 hotel bill. So I kept waiting, for checks to come in, maybe a better deal, etc. Her family owed us some money, but I felt terribly uncomfortable having to ask for it. Eventually my wife started asking me if the hotel was taken care of yet. Each time, I'd INSTANTLY feel anger, frustrated that the finances weren't where I wanted them, but she didn't want to be involved in them so the pressure was all on me, yet she would nonchalantly ask me about $400 hotel expenses, which could be much easier taken care of if SHE would start bugging her family about the $500 they owe us, in an irritated voice. I'd tell her I'd take care of it fully intending to just blow the bank and pay for it, but then I'd forget or I'd again not feel comfortable and commit to bugging her family myself. That wouldn't happen, and then she'd ask me a week or two later even more annoyed.

It was several things compounding. 1. I'm a man, I should be able to provide for my family, and the finances aren't allowing me to comfortably do that. So I'm sensitive to that feeling of pending failure. 2. I'm further sensitive to it because I know I volunteered to take care of it, before I realized we'd have a problem with her family not paying us when they were supposed to. 3. I feel very alone in the matter by my wife not wanting to be involved in the finances, yet she's willing to criticize my handling of a major expense. 4. She's not willing to help out by collecting on the debt from HER family.

From her angle, she's wondering why the hell it's taking me so long to pick up the phone and book the hotel. She remembers me telling her I would do it, and that the money wouldn't be a problem (before I knew her family wouldn't pay their debt). If the money isn't a problem, then why can't I call? She knows I'll feel bypassed if she calls instead, and she wants to trust that I will do it, but now feels like I am either lying to her when I say I'll do it, or that she and her needs aren't important enough to me to warrant me taking the few minutes to pick up the phone. She's also unaware of how stressful the financial situation and the collecting of the debt from her family is on me, because I'm a man and men don't like to complain about our personal struggles out of fear of being perceived as weak.

So it's a tough spot. I think my situation is valid, as is hers. In the end, I typed an e-mail to her family telling them to stop *****-footing around and to have a check for me by the end of the week, and I booked the hotel. My wife was annoyed at the tone of my e-mail, but I told her that the drama had gone on long enough and if she wanted to handle it differently, she had the opportunity to do so. I think she respected my position and her family apologized to us both as well.


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