# This should be a good thing, but it just makes me angry!



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I've been struggling with this for a while, so I'm going to throw it out there even though it makes me feel like a really sh!tty wife.
H had what I'll call an EA so as to avoid reposting whole long story. Before that both he and I thought that neither would ever cheat, and everyone who knew us well said the same thing. And that felt like a compliment. 
Now though he's for all intents and purposes a cheater, and I'm still being told I'd never ever step out on him. He tells me all the time that he knows I'd never cheat on him, and so do my close friends. Problem is now it scares me and p!sses me off. I don't want him to have it in his head that I'm so whipped over him that I'd never sleep with anyone else. That gives him too much power and not enough incentive to be faithful. As for our friends, what about me makes them think that? 
Why does being a faithful wife suddenly feel like a bad thing?


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't know, but I've felt like that from time to time since discovering my husband was unfaithful. It's frustrating and hard to explain. It's like you almost feel mousy and inferior to the bad girls of the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> I've been struggling with this for a while, so I'm going to throw it out there even though it makes me feel like a really sh!tty wife.
> H had what I'll call an EA so as to avoid reposting whole long story. Before that both he and I thought that neither would ever cheat, and everyone who knew us well said the same thing. And that felt like a compliment.
> Now though he's for all intents and purposes a cheater, and I'm still being told I'd never ever step out on him. He tells me all the time that he knows I'd never cheat on him, and so do my close friends. Problem is now it scares me and p!sses me off. I don't want him to have it in his head that I'm so whipped over him that I'd never sleep with anyone else. That gives him too much power and not enough incentive to be faithful. As for our friends, what about me makes them think that?
> Why does being a faithful wife suddenly feel like a bad thing?



I know *exactly* what you mean. I felt so compelled to reply as I have been thinking similarly.

With my H it's not that I think it doesn't give him enough incentive to be faithful. I am as sure as I can be he's learned from what he did. It's more the feeling that I am the doting wife who trudges faithfully through it all by his side, to a lesser degree like no other man would take such an interest in me, but more that I would not register another man on my radar due to my unerring devotion to my H.

I don't know that logic fits this. Logically I *know* my fidelity is something for me to be proud of. But I get exactly where you are coming from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You have one of the most beautiful qualities that any person can possess. Virtue. Having a virtue so obvious that other people recognize and acknowledge it is the highest order of compliment. 

don't let your husbands actions corrupt that gift.


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## rebuildingjoe (Nov 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You have one of the most beautiful qualities that any person can possess. Virtue. Having a virtue so obvious that other people recognize and acknowledge it is the highest order of compliment.
> 
> don't let your husbands actions corrupt that gift.


I agree. he idolizes you. Even if he did cheat. Women and men don't understand each other. Men cheat for sex and women cheat for affection. completely different drivers.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The next time they say they all know you would never cheat. Tell them that ANY person is capable of cheating, under the right circumstances. There are couples of 50 years facing infidelity. There are preachers facing infidelity. When it comes to infidelity, never say never.

Hopefully, this will communicate to your friends that you disagree with them. And it will communicate to your husband that he shouldn't feel totally secure.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

rebuildingjoe said:


> Women and men don't understand each other. Men cheat for sex and women cheat for affection. completely different drivers.


I disagree... my H says he cheated for affection. I cheated for revenge and to validate myself as a woman... wrong reason - I know and I regret it more than anything else I've ever done - but really, I regret it for the wrong reasons as well.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> I've been struggling with this for a while, so I'm going to throw it out there even though it makes me feel like a really sh!tty wife.
> H had what I'll call an EA so as to avoid reposting whole long story. Before that both he and I thought that neither would ever cheat, and everyone who knew us well said the same thing. And that felt like a compliment.
> Now though he's for all intents and purposes a cheater, and I'm still being told I'd never ever step out on him. He tells me all the time that he knows I'd never cheat on him, and so do my close friends. Problem is now it scares me and p!sses me off. I don't want him to have it in his head that I'm so whipped over him that I'd never sleep with anyone else. That gives him too much power and not enough incentive to be faithful. As for our friends, what about me makes them think that?
> Why does being a faithful wife suddenly feel like a bad thing?


You may have forgiven him more quickly than you wanted. You also may be showering him with attention so that he does not do it again. BAD BAD BAD. Actually the way to lessen the likelihood of an affair is make him come to you. Give as much as you get and no more. 

He may be too sure of you. You don't have to cheat to balance things out but you need to stay toned, weight appropriate, well dressed, hair done and made up. 

Act as if you are dating. Look as hot as you can always. Develop outside interest, a hobby that does not include your husband. Go to the gym religiously. In addition, make sure you develop leisure time activities together.

Has he atoned for the cheating? If not, problems of resentment may ensue just as you seem to have now. When these things come up tell him and tell him explicitly what he needs to do. 

You might tell him that you are surprised that he is still believes that you wont cheat just like him since you were certain about him too. that should bring him up short. Ask him to stop saying it because it is meaningless for you as it was for him. Tell you want action not words. 

What problems led up to the cheating. Not blaming you but something happened before the cheating. Are you working on that? Tell him explicitly what you want him to do. 

My advice is biased so do what you feel is best for the health of your relationship. . One of my fears is to be trapped with a cheater like my mother was with my father. She had 4 kids and no career. I have a career and two kids which is about what I can handle on my own. 

It's a cynical way to look at marriage but I think it is realistic. I also think it is not good for a spouse to be too sure. It makes temptation easier to act on and there is always temptation.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H said one of the reasons he felt so bad about his EA was that he *knew* that I would never do that to him. I think it is a double-edged sword. A virtue as has been said, admirable, but also it provokes what Catherine has said. A sureness that can lead to the other spouse taking it for granted almost. 

I am proud I have worked at my M and there have been opportunities, many of them. I always frame things as "is this beneficial to my marriage?" If no, then that is something to deal with quickly. My H does not look at things in that context. He compartmentalises a lot more. Is working on having more foresight. I do think he thinks I'd stick faithfully by his side. It's a huge feeling I think of being taken for granted?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> My H said one of the reasons he felt so bad about his EA was that he *knew* that I would never do that to him.
> I am proud I have worked at my M and there have been opportunities, many of them. I always frame things as "is this beneficial to my marriage?" If no, then that is something to deal with quickly. My H does not look at things in that context. He compartmentalises a lot more. Is working on having more foresight. I do think he thinks I'd stick faithfully by his side. It's a huge feeling I think of being taken for granted?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's exactly what my husband said, that the reason he feels so ashamed (and the reason that he didn't let an affair develop) was that he knew in his heart I'd never do that to him. It was meant as a compliment, and I am proud of the fact that I've remained faithful. I've always been able to ask myself if I'm willing to suffer the possible consequences to my marriage before doing something dumb. Compartmentalize is exactly right, what H can do and I can not.



PHTlump said:


> The next time they say they all know you would never cheat. Tell them that ANY person is capable of cheating, under the right circumstances. There are couples of 50 years facing infidelity. There are preachers facing infidelity. When it comes to infidelity, never say never.
> 
> Hopefully, this will communicate to your friends that you disagree with them. And it will communicate to your husband that he shouldn't feel totally secure.


I'm a very private person, so I don't say anything to my friends because I don't want to have to explain why I suddenly have such a strong oppinion about it. As for my husband, I did finally say to him "well, that's exactly what I thought about you too and look where it got me". It really hurt him, but it was the truth and I thought he needed to hear it.




Catherine602 said:


> You may have forgiven him more quickly than you wanted. You also may be showering him with attention so that he does not do it again. BAD BAD BAD. Actually the way to lessen the likelihood of an affair is make him come to you. Give as much as you get and no more.
> 
> He may be too sure of you. You don't have to cheat to balance things out but you need to stay toned, weight appropriate, well dressed, hair done and made up.
> 
> ...


I'm pretty confident that it isn't that I forgave him too soon or am harboring some resentment. I haven't completely forgiven him yet, and he knows that. I'm very honest with him about my feelings at this point. I've told him what I need from him in order to move forward, and he's done everything I've asked and more. He's giving 100%, and I'd say I'm giving back 90%, there is still a tiny bit of reservation on my part that I think will take time to let go of.
The one thing I refuse to do is "Game" my husband. I took a long hard look at my part in everything, and we talked about what we needed from each other. Those things I'm working on, communication, closeness, talking to him when I'm upset or depressed even if I don't think he'll totally understand. I've always taken great care with my appearance, makeup and hair done, nice clothes etc. I have my own hobbies that I've always persued, and we're doing more of the things we use to do together to have fun. I'm not going to "act like I'm dating" though. I'm not going to ramp up the sexy or flirt with people I usually wouldn't just to try to make him jealous. I'm not going to take up interests that I really don't find interesting just to play mind games. One of the many reasons that I knew H was the one for me was that I could relax and be myself with him. I can certainly be honest with myself about things I can do better at, but it would be counterproductive to turn myself into something I'm not just to keep him. 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You have one of the most beautiful qualities that any person can possess. Virtue. Having a virtue so obvious that other people recognize and acknowledge it is the highest order of compliment.
> 
> don't let your husbands actions corrupt that gift.


When you put it this way it certainly doesn't sound like a bad thing, does it? I suppose I just need to relax about it and accept that it's just the kind of person I am.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I think it's normal for a LS to feel this way after discovering infidelity in your spouse. I'm the LS and have had crazy random thoughts go through my head at times too. Almost an irrational anger over feeling like "and this is my reward for being faithful?"

I've talked to my H about these feelings. Not so much that I don't have it in my to cheat, I think everyone does to some extent, but that I have a strong moral compass and wouldn't do it. My friends think the same thing. But prior to d-day, my H actually doubted my faithfulness. Since he could compartmentalize so well and never thought he'd cheat, he wondered about me. I guess he even occasionally checked my email or web history, to see if I was hiding anything. Oddly enough, after d-day and hearing I've been faithful, he trusts me more than ever. I've been honest and pointed out that he's actually made me more vulnerable than ever, but he's damn lucky I'm so morally grounded.

I know what you mean by saying you can't describe the feeling acurately. I love that I'm faithful and loyal, but it's like there's a little devil on your shoulder whispering, "Pssst.... wouldn't some harmless attention feel good?" Then you brush it off and realize it would feel good for 2 seconds, but horrible for much longer.

Take note, only the devil would call it "harmless" attention.


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

I remember trying so hard to understand my wife's motivations that I even argued that I might be capable of an EA in the same situation. I wanted her to know I didn't think she was a horrible person and to acknowledge what could have been going on.

But, it's almost like being known as virtuous and honest puts a wall between you and your spouse. 



Saffron said:


> I know what you mean by saying you can't describe the feeling acurately. I love that I'm faithful and loyal, but it's like there's a little devil on your shoulder whispering, "Pssst.... wouldn't some harmless attention feel good?" Then you brush it off and realize it would feel good for 2 seconds, but horrible for much longer.


I actually had this happen just recently with a woman that works in a nearby office. I started thinking this very thing.

And the first person I wanted to tell was my wife, thinking she of all people would understand. But she pretty much wrote it off because she knows there's nothing to worry about. Again...that wall makes it hard to relate sometimes.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

WhoIsIt, it's too bad your wife brushed it off because that's how the slippery slope can start. As a LS you start to feel underappreciated and maybe even a slight bit of "I'll show her!" but never intend for it to get out of hand. Next thing you know, the little devil on your shoulder is saying "Psssst . . . What's a harmless lunch? Tell your wife, but I bet she won't even care."


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

Saffron said:


> WhoIsIt, it's too bad your wife brushed it off because that's how the slippery slope can start. As a LS you start to feel underappreciated and maybe even a slight bit of "I'll show her!" but never intend for it to get out of hand. Next thing you know, the little devil on your shoulder is saying "Psssst . . . What's a harmless lunch? Tell your wife, but I bet she won't even care."


I know. The funny thing is after what we've been through and after coming here, I am totally aware of it all. I know exactly what it means when I get that intoxicating feeling if a woman looks at me twice. I know just where I shouldn't step. I guess it's good that I have no excuses.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> I'm a very private person, so I don't say anything to my friends because I don't want to have to explain why I suddenly have such a strong oppinion about it.


There are certainly ways to distance yourself from your opinion. Tell them you have another friend who cheated on her husband and you thought she was the most virtuous person alive. If you really don't want to say anything, then you just have to live with people making adultery jokes.



I'mAllIn said:


> As for my husband, I did finally say to him "well, that's exactly what I thought about you too and look where it got me". It really hurt him, but it was the truth and I thought he needed to hear it.


That's fine. It's good, actually, to express your hurt feelings to your husband. But it won't instill any feelings of insecurity in him. Unless he feels that you're so hurt you may divorce him.



I'mAllIn said:


> The one thing I refuse to do is "Game" my husband. I took a long hard look at my part in everything, and we talked about what we needed from each other. Those things I'm working on, communication, closeness, talking to him when I'm upset or depressed even if I don't think he'll totally understand. I've always taken great care with my appearance, makeup and hair done, nice clothes etc. I have my own hobbies that I've always persued, and we're doing more of the things we use to do together to have fun. I'm not going to "act like I'm dating" though. I'm not going to ramp up the sexy or flirt with people I usually wouldn't just to try to make him jealous. I'm not going to take up interests that I really don't find interesting just to play mind games. One of the many reasons that I knew H was the one for me was that I could relax and be myself with him. I can certainly be honest with myself about things I can do better at, but it would be counterproductive to turn myself into something I'm not just to keep him.


It's unfortunate that "game" is such a misunderstood concept. Most people think it's about manipulation and deception. It's really more about communication and self-improvement.

Most (all?) people could improve themselves in one or more ways to make them more attractive to their spouse. That's what game is. Identifying what is important to your spouse and then giving that to them. Many marriages could be improved if more people were willing to game their spouses.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

My wife was always comforted by the fact that she knew I would never cheat on her and she told me she could never cheat on me. I had the strength, integrity, self respect, and love for her to keep me from crossing that line. Getting some strange just wasn't worth the price of getting caught and what I could lose. I always had strong boundaries that helped me keep my distance emotionally from other women as well. 

Then she had an EA/PA that lasted for over 1 1/2 years...and I found out. She has swore NC for last 7 months and says she wants our marriage but has done little too help me heal. She is still distant emotionally and physically. She also doesn't think I would ever cheat. I feel that gives her power over me. I feel like I have been punished because she knew I was virtuous and she didn't have to worry about what I was doing. Could this have possibly gave her extra confidence to pursue her OM? IDK.

I can't honestly say that given the right woman and circumstances that I wouldn't cheat. Before all of this happened I would never have entertained the idea but now...not so sure. To quote my WW after I found out about her affair..."I've learned to Never say never"...nice. 

I crave what is now missing in my marriage...attention, affection, the feelings of being wanted and desired... intimacy. I however think that if I did cheat I would feel such a loss of self respect that I couldn't get over it....guilt. I think I will just file for D before things get to that point. 

I am also fortunate, I think, in that the Lord seems to have removed all temptation from my path ever sense I found out about my wife's cheating. It is the strangest thing...no temptation in sight. 

I keep holding on to hope that my wife will wake up and put in more effort before it is too late.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It's unfortunate that "game" is such a misunderstood concept. Most people think it's about manipulation and deception. It's really more about communication and self-improvement.
> 
> Most (all?) people could improve themselves in one or more ways to make them more attractive to their spouse. That's what game is. Identifying what is important to your spouse and then giving that to them. Many marriages could be improved if more people were willing to game their spouses.


I don't misunderstand the concept of "Game" at all. I've read all over here and at MMSL and other sites what it means. I do think that the goal is honest and admirable, but it's my personal opinion that many of the tactics are neither of those things. If it were just a matter of identifying what's important to a spouse and then giving it to them then it would be called communication and compromise. It's the common game behaviours of remaining somewhat aloof emotionally whether that's what you really want to do or not, and making yourself more attractive and mysterious in order to plant the seed with your spouse that you might/could/may be cheating on them that I have issues with. Do you really want a spouse that only reconnected with you because they didn't want you to be with anyone else? I don't. I want to be honest about what I can and can not give my husband, in and out of bed, I want him to do the same, and then we can decide whether we want to stay with all the cards on the table.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> It's the common game behaviours of remaining somewhat aloof emotionally whether that's what you really want to do or not, and making yourself more attractive and mysterious in order to plant the seed with your spouse that you might/could/may be cheating on them that I have issues with.


I understand. But that is still consistent with my definition of identifying what you spouse wants and giving it to him/her. It's not about identifying what you want. Most people know what they want and are already doing that. Unfortunately, that often isn't what their spouse or date wants. It's more effective to give the other person what he/she wants.



I'mAllIn said:


> Do you really want a spouse that only reconnected with you because they didn't want you to be with anyone else? I don't. I want to be honest about what I can and can not give my husband, in and out of bed, I want him to do the same, and then we can decide whether we want to stay with all the cards on the table.


I understand again. And yes, the ideal situation is that we can all be ourselves, our spouses can be themselves, and we will mesh 100% with each other. It just usually doesn't work out that way. People get married without knowing every single detail of each others' personalities. People change over years of marriage. People get married with 95% compatibility rather than 100%. There are many reasons why changing yourself can improve your marriage.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> People change over years of marriage. People get married with 95% compatibility rather than 100%. There are many reasons why changing yourself can improve your marriage.


On this we completely agree. Where we disagree is probably more in verbage than actual ideology. There are many reasons why changing ourselves can improve our marriages, but I believe only if it's change that we ourselves truly feel will make us better people. And at that point it becomes a compromise that results in self-improvement, not game. If we only make the change to appease/keep a spouse then I don't think the change will hold long term and the marriage will return to the disfunctional state it's currently in.
I think perhaps the difference for me is that I don't want to be with my husband if we aren't truly compatable and happy with each other. Adjustments and refinements in behavior here and there are to be expected as I agree that people do change and grow over time and with life experience. However, if either of us change or grow to the point that we need the other to become something they aren't or do things they're truly uncomfortable with then I'd rather us be apart.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Our MC told me "there is no unconditional love between grown-ups." I have finally come to agree.

You wouldn't cheat because you are a better person than that. But that doesn't mean you have to lie there and take it if he does cheat.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

WhoIsIt said:


> I remember trying so hard to understand my wife's motivations that I even argued that I might be capable of an EA in the same situation. I wanted her to know I didn't think she was a horrible person and to acknowledge what could have been going on.
> 
> But, it's almost like being known as virtuous and honest puts a wall between you and your spouse.
> 
> ...


I posted about something very similar recently. A guy gave me the come-on, and it is someone I will be seeing on a regular basis through a hobby I've taken up. I felt through the honesty and transparency atmosphere we have cultivated since his EA that I should tell him. He said he'd hope I'd tell them I wasn't interested and he doesn't like the thought of people chatting me up but what can he do? Which is fair but just something that showed he knows he should be wary would be good. He said something once in responce to a similar situation which was "what can I say, the guy's got good taste!" and that meant a lot to me. It's like he's so laidback he's completely passive about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I posted about something very similar recently. A guy gave me the come-on, and it is someone I will be seeing on a regular basis through a hobby I've taken up. I felt through the honesty and transparency atmosphere we have cultivated since his EA that I should tell him. He said he'd hope I'd tell them I wasn't interested and he doesn't like the thought of people chatting me up but what can he do? Which is fair but just something that showed he knows he should be wary would be good. He said something once in responce to a similar situation which was "what can I say, the guy's got good taste!" and that meant a lot to me. It's like he's so laidback he's completely passive about it.


My W surprised me by asking if I'd seen this woman again yesterday. I said I hadn't, and told her that I was surprised she wasn't more bothered by it. It's weird--she was treating it like I was coming to her for advice rather than an actual discussion. She basically just said, "don't say anything to her you wouldn't say in front of me." And said she wouldn't be worried about that unless I did.

Interestingly, she did say she figured I wouldn't tell her if I talked the woman again.

Odd stuff. On one hand, she blows it off. On the other, she's expecting me to hide it.


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## sosadallthetime (Nov 18, 2011)

I can relate with you. I have just been through the worst time in my life. We too had a great life and thought no one would cheat. But he did. He posted an ad on a dating site started seeing her and then treated me so bad that i agreed to a two week for thinking only split and he pretty much moved in with her. It was only after he had his two weeks and I tried to end the marriage that he wanted me back. He says he knows that i would never cheat and that makes me mad. What's worse is that it is still so fresh that I can be mean to him and then feel bad and apologize for trying to get some answers. I don't know what to do. I feel like I might ruin this before we can fix it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sosadallthetime said:


> I don't know what to do. I feel like I might ruin this before we can fix it.


I assume he has ended his affair. If so, he should be completely transparent by giving you access to his phone, email, Facebook, etc. Assuming you're not getting any suspicious activity on those, you should install keylogger software on your PC to ensure that he's not using a secret email account to communicate with affair partner(s). Assuming that comes up clean, then you should go to marriage counseling.

And as you learned earlier, ending your marriage is a powerful motivator for your husband. So use that. Let it be known that he is on double secret probation and the very first hint of cheating will mean divorce papers are filed. And mean it.

Once your husband has done his share of repairing the damage he's done with the affair, then you start to worry about your role in the state of your marriage pre-affair.

Good luck.


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