# sex in separation



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I am new to all of this but did a general search, found this site, and saw some older threads re: my dilemma, so am starting a new one. My husband moved out about 2 months ago---got his own apartment---left because my son from my previous marriage is mentally/emotionally ill and needless to say, a handful. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and was worried about her well-being but mostly worried about his own---he and my son fought all of the time. It put me in a horrible position because I love them both. Anyway, he left. During these past 2 months, my son's condition has escalated and my life has gotten even more insane. In a moment of complete desperation, I called my husband. He listened and was compassionate because of all people, he understands the intricacies of the insanity. Then he would check in with me with a text or something. It only took a couple of days of that for us to discuss having sex---I need comfort and I still love him, he says he still loves me but can't see any reconcilation because of my son and no matter what happens to him or where he ends up, that will always be true. We talked for a couple of days---boundaries such as 'just because we're doing this doesn't mean we're getting back together' and 'I love you but that doesn't mean anything' and such and then yes, we had sex and have done so a handful of times at this point and I am wondering if this is a mistake. I still love him, I wonder if he ever thinks about me when we're not having sex (or when he only wants sex)...very confused. My therapist tells me that it's quite normal activity but I don't even know how to talk about it, if I should talk about it, or if I'm totally sabotaging any talk of reconciliation...hope to get some input---please be kind, I'm already beating myself up enough.


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## creeo (Jul 31, 2011)

The circumstances for the loss of our marriages is vastly different but all I can do is comment based on my experience. I continued to have sex with my husband (who, to this day is one of my closest friends) for 8 months after he walked out the door. We are now legally separated. He told me not to get my hopes up, blah blah blah but I couldn't hear it at the time. The difference is that he was the initiator. Seems we just had some trouble letting go lol
What I am sure of is that I would have probably healed sooner had we not engaged in that way with each other. Each time meant something to me, I'm sure it did to him too, but not in the same capacity. Funny thing is, I could have sex with him now and have it not mean anything, because I'm not in love with him anymore. 
It's a tough call, we all have those needs and it's normal to look to your spouse but from my experience it didn't help heal my marriage, just prolonged the inevitable. Maybe your story will be different. Big hugs and I hope you are able to make some progress with your son.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Being one with Physical touch as my number one love language it is hard for me to say this, but I agree with creeo. It makes it tougher to let go.

The tempory satisfaction and connection will only extend the pain.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you for that...perhaps prolonging is all I need right now too. He did tell me a couple of weeks ago that he wants a divorce, but if he wants it, then he needs to file for it--that's the way I feel anyway. Haven't seen or heard of paperwork yet---so I guess it's wrong to want to know if I ever cross his mind during his day-to-day? My husband too was the initiator and I'm sure it's easier to be the one who does the leaving versus being the one who is left. All the more reason I feel silly---intellectually, I know this stuff but my heart, well, not-so-smart.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I can relate. My heart is much bigger than my head. They battle all the time.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

I think it's definitely sending the wrong message. Everytime you both have sex together you both will bond and become one, which he obviously doesn't want in "real life" anymore.

It comes down to respect. He doesn't respect you as a whole person. Either take the whole package with whatever is attached to it or take nothing.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was having sex with my ex while separated. It always sparked that little bit of hope that things would work out again in the future. It didn't. I guess a "solo session" would have been much healthier in the long run.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Is your son ill enough to be committed? There has got to be a way around all this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

My son has been hospitalized on 3 occassions already---he was in therapeutic foster care---we've done so much for him. My husband was here for all of that, but when my son came home from therap. fost. care and challenged the household after only 5 weeks of being home (as we were told he would do---counselors told us that it would be rough again before it got better), my husband left---said that my son is just a brat--my son has some pretty serious diagnoses, which btw have just been altered again toward schizo-effective so he may be placed into a residential facility to get stabilized but that remains to be decided as my ex-husband (son's father) is the great enabler and doesn't want to go that route---guess he'd prefer if my son continues to kill us slowly :0) Anyway, a mutual friend of ours asked my husband about 2 weeks ago your same question, and he said something along the lines of 'he will always be her son and I just can't deal with it' As I type this, I feel like a disloyal mom but I've been dealing with my boy for 10 years now, my husband put in a solid 3 and I just believed him when he said he was in for the long haul---knowing that my son is the way he is. I am not in denial or one of those folks that doesn't see what my boy is but I am in the business of saving his life before he ends up in juvenile detention. Thanks for your post---sorry for my long reply.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Sex will give you temporary relief but an extended period of emotional agony. First hand experience.....it's not worth it. Order some toys etc......take matters into your own hands. If you let it happen with your partner then you're only prolonging the emotional turmoil.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

*Re: sex in separation--now done*

Well...he called last night and said it has to stop "it's not helping either one of us"
Darn! Why did he get to be the mature one??? I was actually ok with it yesterday---I know that it was messing with me---but today it really hurts. I feel rejected AGAIN----he told me it's not about rejection and I think perhaps it's simply protection for both of us.
Then I remembered that when we got married, we became one flesh and now the flesh is tearing--just as it took care/pains to become one, it's going to take even more care/pains to un-become. 
I scan through these post topics and there are so many people in the pain I'm in now---I feel for all of you and I'm sorry.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

*Re: sex in separation--now done*



faithaqua said:


> Well...he called last night and said it has to stop "it's not helping either one of us"
> Darn! Why did he get to be the mature one??? I was actually ok with it yesterday---I know that it was messing with me---but today it really hurts. I feel rejected AGAIN----he told me it's not about rejection and I think perhaps it's simply protection for both of us.
> Then I remembered that when we got married, we became one flesh and now the flesh is tearing--just as it took care/pains to become one, it's going to take even more care/pains to un-become.
> I scan through these post topics and there are so many people in the pain I'm in now---I feel for all of you and I'm sorry.


Sorry for your pain. This whole experience is a roller coaster. Hang in there better times are ahead.


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