# Our 5 year anniversary is this Friday..



## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

and it's been a little over a month since I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with the downstairs neighbor for almost two years. Feb. 12 to be exact, three days after I found out that my father had passed away cold and alone. One month after suffering the loss of my younger cousin who was murdered as a result of gang violence. 

There has been so much sadness in my life, yet I generally bounce back because I'm made of tough stuff. I thought I was slowly but surely doing better, but as the days go by, and our our 5th year wedding anniversary approaches, all I can feel is despair. I've cried several times today, when I haven't cried for a couple of weeks. 

Last year, all I could talk about was doing something amazing with my husband to celebrate our milestone anniversary, like go to Punta Cana or the Bahamas, take a trip together. We were going to travel the country for our one year anniversary, but couldn't because his favorite uncle passed away suddenly, god rest his soul. So I thought we should make up for it now that enough time has passed.He surprisingly agreed (he hates tropical, beachy vacations), and I began planning everything immediately. 

Fast forward 5 months and I find out that I am pregnant with our first baby, a baby boy due in April. The plans to take that awesome trip were understandably put on hold being that I could literally give birth any day. 

Both of us are looking forward to the arrival of our baby boy, and to be honest, it's the only real thing keeping me happy, and focused on what's truly important. Part of me feels like the world's biggest joke has been played on me. And another part, a larger part of myself, feels that everything happens for a reason, and even though the timing was terrible, that maybe I needed to learn about the infidelity when I did.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

cont..
to help keep everything in perspective. I mean, we have a baby boy on the way, we are both alive and healthy and moving back to the city we lived in before we moved here (at the end of our lease of course). The baby is healthy, every checkup appointment has been great. And he really is remorseful. I tried to convince him to go to dinner for his birthday, I would never begrudge anyone a birthday celebration since I love mine so much. We made love, and were about to head out the door when he broke down in tears. Said how sorry he was, and that he didn’t deserve to go out to celebrate. So we didn’t. 

Sorry for the long post, and for being all over the place. My thoughts are all over the place lately. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I know I’m not alone, and these things happen all the time, but I literally have no one to talk to about this. We’ve both agreed to keep this quiet for now while we work on our marriage. Because, once you tell someone, you can’t take it back. I just… can’t even. Lately, I can’t even. If that makes any sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So did the neighbor move?

If not, they’re still screwing.

Sorry. 

Is she married? If so, has the affair been exposed to her husband?


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

No she hasn't moved. He avoids her at all costs. No she isn't married.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

idontknowhat2believe said:


> No she hasn't moved. He avoids her at all costs. No she isn't married.


So are y’all planning to move?

Do you have access to his phone? Tablet? Computer?

What about his email and social media accounts?

Aside from taking him at his word, what have you done to independently verify that he’s no longer in contact with her?


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

We are moving at the end of our lease in May. I have access to everything all his email accounts, phone records social media. I made him change his number and unfriend her on facebook.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

There is info missing. I actually typed it in word first and copied it here, but a lot of stuff didn't make it. Don't know why. Here are the missing parts...

The affair apparently began two years ago in March. My husband explained that it happened the first time, because our marriage was in a rut and the other woman showed him the attention and affection that I wasn’t at the time. He said he felt awful about it and that he planned on it never happening again. That didn’t stop him from accepting an invitation from her to hang out with him the second time around. He said they didn’t have sex that time because he felt awkward, so he tried to dissuade her advances by telling her one of his sexual preferences. Regular foot massages. Not explicit, but he likes feet. 
When she continued her sexual advances both in person, and through phone messages, he explained to her that he didn’t want it to happen again, that he was married and loved me and that he was sorry if she felt he deceived her. After that conversation, her personality took a 180, and she outright told him that she would tell me about the cheating if he didn’t continue their “relationship”. 

She began blackmailing him with the truth, and my husband, as much as I love him, is a coward. He’d rather lie, and keep up with the lie, than to come clean and deal with the messy fallout. So he let her have that power over him for almost two years. He says he tried to avoid her as much as possible, and that they only had sex 5 times, but it’s hard to ignore a person when they are your downstairs neighbor.

It’s almost funny, INCREDIBLE, how long he managed to get away with the lie. I was only up a flight of steps every time it happened. I know this because it’s a small town and she and I have similar schedules. Also, I have no life so I never really did anything but work and come home. I even joked with my co-workers one time when we were discussing neighbors, that I was pretty sure she disliked me and had a crush on my husband because she never returned any of my greetings as I made sure to say hi any time I saw her, but was super nice to him. If only I knew then what I know now. I would have never joked about it.

Her bedroom is in direct line sight of my parking space. She’s downstairs, we are upstairs. Can’t leave cause we are in lease until the end of May. Can’t leave cause I am heavily pregnant. I thought about leaving him in the beginning, but I have no more friends since I moved to this town, I’ve lost touch with all of them. My family is unable to help me in any way shape or form. Not even spare room for me to crash and run away for a while. So I had to deal with all of this head on.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

I do love him. Soooo much. Even though he wronged me, I feel even worse when he cries, or sounds sad when he talks to me. I never want him to be sad. I wish he felt the same way the first time it happened, and thought about me. Instead, it didn’t matter that I was upstairs. Our vows didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. All that mattered was that moment. I know our marriage wasn’t the best at the time, but I didn’t think it was so bad that I deserved to be cheated on. You don’t just cheat on someone you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with, when things get tough. You put on your big boy pants, or big girl panties, you sit down with your SO and have a serious conversation about your concerns.

There has been so much sadness in my life since the beginning of this year, yet I generally bounce back because I'm made of tough stuff. I thought I was slowly but surely doing better, but as the days go by, and our 5th year wedding anniversary approaches, all I can feel is despair. I've cried several times today, when I haven't cried for a couple of weeks. March is also his birth month, and part of me wonders if it happened on his birthday. If she gave him birthday sex. Or if it happened on our anniversary. Like, maybe I got stupid drunk celebrating both occasions and passed out so he went elsewhere. Honestly, it’s all possible. He says no, that it didn’t happen on those dates. Then again he doesn’t remember the exact dates. I also, get the feeling he’s hiding something else from me. Something he thinks might compound the hurt. I’ll never know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to try to rebuild your marriage then there are things that you and he can do.

There are three books that I think would help you.


*Surviving an Affair* by Dr. Harley, this book is for you to read, not your husband. It has a plan that you can follow. It talks about Plan A and Plan B. You are beyond both of those plans. You are into recovery right now as long as he has actually stopped all contact with the OW. There is a lot in that book that you, as the betrayed spouse, need to know about infidelity and recovery and what you need to insist on from him to help you heal.

These next two books are for you and him to read together and do the work that they say to do. The idea of the book is to teach you how to build a strong marriage that is as affair proof as possible. Read these two in the order listed below:

"*Love Busters*" and "*His Needs, Her Needs*"


How soon are you going to be moving?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

idontknowhat2believe said:


> I do love him. Soooo much. Even though he wronged me, I feel even worse when he cries, or sounds sad when he talks to me. I never want him to be sad. I wish he felt the same way the first time it happened, and thought about me. Instead, it didn’t matter that I was upstairs. Our vows didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. All that mattered was that moment. I know our marriage wasn’t the best at the time, but I didn’t think it was so bad that I deserved to be cheated on. You don’t just cheat on someone you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with, when things get tough. You put on your big boy pants, or big girl panties, you sit down with your SO and have a serious conversation about your concerns.
> 
> There has been so much sadness in my life since the beginning of this year, yet I generally bounce back because I'm made of tough stuff. I thought I was slowly but surely doing better, but as the days go by, and our 5th year wedding anniversary approaches, all I can feel is despair. I've cried several times today, when I haven't cried for a couple of weeks. March is also his birth month, and part of me wonders if it happened on his birthday. If she gave him birthday sex. Or if it happened on our anniversary. Like, maybe I got stupid drunk celebrating both occasions and passed out so he went elsewhere. Honestly, it’s all possible. He says no, that it didn’t happen on those dates. Then again he doesn’t remember the exact dates. I also, get the feeling he’s hiding something else from me. Something he thinks might compound the hurt. I’ll never know.


You will be hurting for some time over this. It takes a betrayed spouse (BS) 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity. It's a hard path ahead of you.

Does he answer your questions when you ask about his cheating?

I hope that the OW is leaving the two of you alone.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is lying to you. He had sex with this woman countless times in the period of two years. I do not believe his blackmail story. He has not come clean to you on everything. How did you find out about their affair?

I'm so sorry about your situation, especially that you are expecting and the OW is living just below downstairs. So very sorry that you are here.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

idontknowhat2believe said:


> I do love him. Soooo much. Even though he wronged me, I feel even worse when he cries, or sounds sad when he talks to me. I never want him to be sad. I wish he felt the same way the first time it happened, and thought about me. Instead, it didn’t matter that I was upstairs. Our vows didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. All that mattered was that moment. I know our marriage wasn’t the best at the time, but I didn’t think it was so bad that I deserved to be cheated on. You don’t just cheat on someone you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with, when things get tough. You put on your big boy pants, or big girl panties, you sit down with your SO and have a serious conversation about your concerns.
> 
> There has been so much sadness in my life since the beginning of this year, yet I generally bounce back because I'm made of tough stuff. I thought I was slowly but surely doing better, but as the days go by, and our 5th year wedding anniversary approaches, all I can feel is despair. I've cried several times today, when I haven't cried for a couple of weeks. March is also his birth month, and part of me wonders if it happened on his birthday. If she gave him birthday sex. Or if it happened on our anniversary. Like, maybe I got stupid drunk celebrating both occasions and passed out so he went elsewhere. Honestly, it’s all possible. He says no, that it didn’t happen on those dates. Then again he doesn’t remember the exact dates. I also, get the feeling he’s hiding something else from me. Something he thinks might compound the hurt. I’ll never know.


If you feel that he is hiding something still, then you might be right. Listen to your gut. Are you guys in therapy?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would counselling be an option? Both individual and as a couple.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

2 years is an awfully long time. I'm aware that there are affairs that last longer than that but still....thats two full years of lies.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

We are moving at the end of may thank goodness. Thank you for the recommendations, i'll check them out. Lord knows I need all the help I can get.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You will be hurting for some time over this. It takes a betrayed spouse (BS) 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity. It's a hard path ahead of you.
> 
> Does he answer your questions when you ask about his cheating?
> 
> I hope that the OW is leaving the two of you alone.



He does answer all of my questions when I ask. And I asked A LOT of questions. I'm the kind of person who needs to know all the details, it's how I know that the bedroom they did it in is the one where my parking space is in front of. So gross!! I can't even look at it without having a panic attack. But back onto topic, she does leave us alone. Two days ago we were leaving our apartment to run some errands and she was leaving at the same time, my husband walked right back into the apartment. He didn't want to run into her and deal with her attitude. He told me this. He also said she'd start slamming things as well act nasty, and sure enough a few seconds later she went back into her apartment for something, SLAM, went back out, SLAM, got into her car, SLAM. We finally left cause the last slam told us that she was gone. I'm 31, my husband is 36, and she is 45. If there is anyone who has the right to be pissy and slam things, it's me!! Yet she acts like a freaking child. She hates that we're working on our marriage. When everything first went down and I'd cry/scream at my H, he'd go outside and take a small walk and smoke a cig, she came home with a boquet of roses (it was V-Day) and saw how miserable he was, and gave him a wide smirk. walked into her apartment calmly and didn't bother to address him other than the smirk. I honestly have to say I believe that story. I'm very good at reading people, and she comes off as the vindictive type.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> Your husband is lying to you. He had sex with this woman countless times in the period of two years. I do not believe his blackmail story. He has not come clean to you on everything. How did you find out about their affair?
> 
> I'm so sorry about your situation, especially that you are expecting and the OW is living just below downstairs. So very sorry that you are here.


I have a hard time believing that they had sex only 5 times in the course of two years as well. I found out about the affair when I was on his phone speaking to a mutual friend who lives in the city we are moving back to. My husband handed me the phone to talk to our friend so he could crack open another beer, I went into our room so I could sit on my bed and have our conversation in quieter room (he likes to play music when he's had a few beers) and a text message came through from OW. the message read " do you have any substance as an actual human being, where's the proof? I guess ____ isn't sexy tonight, or ____. Or that other thing you asked me to do that I did! F*** YOU!" Very aggressive. The blanks contain explicit info of things my husband prefers sexually. I confronted him after that. He tried to deny it at first, to the point that he went downstairs and brought her up to our apartment. He later said he wanted to see what her reaction would be. At first, all i could do was sit on my bed in shock and disbelief. Then I went to confront them, asked point blank to confirm they were having an affair, remember i'm heavily pregnant and not in the mood for games. Well, I got games because both of them were incredibly reluctant to spill the beans even after i practically begged for the truth. She just kept repeating, "i'm not going to lie for you" i watched them interact. Their body language. It was stiff on my hisbands part and her's was more relaxed. She finally confirmed my worst fear and told me that yes they had been having sex and that it had been for two years this march. This conversation took place in my living room with the front door open so my husband could smoke. After everything came out, i justs tood there trying to process, everything, still paying attention to their body language. She stood in my apartment after telling me this and then attempted to take the cigarette out of his hand, the way I would do as his wife if I was a smoker (i'm not). It was a subtle power play, and she lost. She whined to him while I was standing there that she wanted a smoke, and he told her to get her own. The nerve!! as you can imagine, everything went down hill from there.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> If you feel that he is hiding something still, then you might be right. Listen to your gut. Are you guys in therapy?


We are not in therapy yet. We want to wait till we move. This is a small town, people would know if I went into a therapist office.


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## idontknowhat2believe (Mar 14, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Would counselling be an option? Both individual and as a couple.


It is an option, i just want to wait till we move. this is a small town and people i know would see me walk into a therapist office, including HER. I don't want her to have any more knowledge of what's going on with us.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, please see a psychologist to set your mind in the right place before your child is born; as you do not wish to seek therapy for your marriage. You're focusing on the OW, who is 9 years older than your husband because your marriage was in a rut. What then when you run into "ruts", especially that you are expecting? 

Based on your observations, your husband leads in their relationship. He is no pushover as he dragged her upstairs to you & told her to get her own cigarettes. Their dynamics shows you that your husband is a liar & a cheat. See him for who he is. She is a cougar and a home wrecker. They are two of a kind.

I understand your reluctance on walking off as you are in the late stages of pregnancy. However, I recommend for you to tell your friends and family. Even if the whole town knows about their affair, you should tell. Other eyes will be on them and you would know your husband's whereabouts. As you can see the OW is so bold. I speculate that she already told others and is mocking you. A conquest of a younger man for this older woman is a notch in her belt.

I'm very sorry about your situation.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Idontknow 

I’m hoping I read this right and that the affair just ended this month. Recovery from infidelity is two to five years, I wish I could tell you it doesn’t take this long, but I’d be lying. I’m a little over four years past d-day, just now believing I’m close to being healed, but the cut is deep and the scar will always remain. First I would advise that you wait at least six months before you make a decision of reconciliation or divorce. I advise to wait so you can get to a position where your decision is based upon strength and not emotion. I chose to reconcile, I determined this to be the best path for ME, not my wife or children. You will also need to make this decision, and it’s hard to make. 

In my opinion your husband doesn’t deserve the gift of reconciliation. He may show remorse or regret, but he allowed the OW to tell you. This makes me believe your husband is a very weak person, one who would rather try to save his own ass then face the truth. The OW may be a lot of things, but she at least told you the truth. Maybe she told you to hurt you, but the fact remains she gave the truth when your husband couldn’t. Choosing reconciliation isn’t easy, and you may choose to reconcile, but it will stay in your mind that your husband couldn’t own his decisions. That speaks volumes about his character, I won’t continue to tell you how weak he is. 

The road ahead of you is long and arduous, it’s not for the weak, if you choose reconciliation. Your husband is going to have to own his decisions, his actions, and then fix himself in therapy. True remorse will need to set in and he will need new boundaries. You will also need therapy to figure out how to fix yourself, how to become a healthier person. You will both then need to begin marriage counseling, after you’ve become healthier. 

If you have any questions I will answer them if you think I can be of help. Best of luck to you.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

idontknowhat2believe said:


> and it's been a little over a month since I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with the downstairs neighbor for almost two years. Feb. 12 to be exact, three days after I found out that my father had passed away cold and alone. One month after suffering the loss of my younger cousin .


Do yourself a giant favor and dump this bastard.

Pay no attention to ANYONE that tells you to try and reconcile.


Save yourself and your innocent baby.

I'm sure the Big kahunas around here will rally around you and tell you how to get EVERY DUCK IN YOUR ROW before you dump his cheating ho bag ass.


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