# Anxiety 24/7 over two years out...



## hurtingbadly

How do you find happiness after this? I still feel incredible anxiety. Two years since confession of ONS that was eight years prior, one year since I learned who she really was. The anxiety is killing me. Last night I had a breakdown, couldn't stop crying. He asks me what can he do to help me... I don't know what to tell him. I feel like a lost soul. The past feels like it was all fake. Weird, like my life didn't really happen. Anyone else feel this way? I look at pictures differently... The future seems uncertain, not the same as I had imagined life would be. Tainted, like the word family means nothing. Is this just my fate in life now? Is this how I'll always feel? I feel as much anxiety today as I did a year ago. I would just give up if it wasn't for our kids, finances... I feel so trapped. I don't know how to let go and move forward.


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## clipclop2

Do you feel you have to stay with him? 

Have you tried living apart for a while? Cause that is what I suggest you do. 

If you find you miss him more than you are anxious consider going back. But you have to give it a good 6 months apart at least. Establish a life apart from him. Stay friendly but not involved. That would only prevent the experiment from being valid. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

Are there any doubts you are struggling with? It seems that something is holding you back from healing. Is he transparent? Remorseful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Did you do/are you doing any IC?


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## Stretch

I feel like the only way an R would work for me would be to break everything down and start over from the beginning.

That means, going throught divorce, start dating, do the MC and see if it will work as an almost completely new relationship.

Not sure if this helps,
Stretch


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## 4getmenot

hurtingbadly said:


> How do you find happiness after this?


I wish I knew the answer. I just posted a somewhat similar thread. 



hurtingbadly said:


> He asks me what can he do to help me... I don't know what to tell him. I feel like a lost soul. The past feels like it was all fake. Weird, like my life didn't really happen. Anyone else feel this way? I look at pictures differently...


Absolutely. When I see old pictures my heart aches for the innocence I had then. For blissful, unquestioning belief in my husband. There is nothing so wonderful as putting all your trust in another person. And nothing so crushing as to find out you were betrayed. I have been reading that you really have to grieve what you have lost before you can move forward. We are grieving the loss of the beautiful image we had of our lives and spouses prior to discovery. 




hurtingbadly said:


> The future seems uncertain, not the same as I had imagined life would be. Tainted, like the word family means nothing. Is this just my fate in life now? Is this how I'll always feel? I feel as much anxiety today as I did a year ago. I would just give up if it wasn't for our kids, finances... I feel so trapped. I don't know how to let go and move forward.


I don't want to give up because I feel my husband is good, good man at his core, and I believe he is making every effort to change. I still love him very deeply. I am frustrated, though, at how long it is taking me. I am only 9 months out from D-Day, so I can only imagine how frustrated you feel at 2 months out. I wish I had some answers for you...I am seeking them, too. The responses I have received have all told me it takes time, up to 1 to 2 years, and that it won't be quite the same again. However I just read another person who said they are blissfully happy again. I don't know whether to accept that things will never be as good as they were and grieve that loss, or keep holding onto the hope that if I do more personal "work" that I can eventually really get past this and be as happy as I was.


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## clipclop2

Do you feel that because he is basically a good man to leave and divorce would be unfair to him and punishing him? 

If you divorced him and he is really a good man he will still be a good man. You leaving him cannot change what he is inside. Staying cannot either. 

Punishing him seems more like it would come by staying and being miserable. It would also be punishing yourself. 

Being kind to yourself is also being kind to the wayward. 

I think most people know deep down if they are the kind of person that can move forward and love and regain the trust they once had for the WS. It gets pushed aside. You keep trying because you want to be a good person. You don't want to be the bad guy calling a spade a spade : they hurt you too much and there is nothing that anyone can do to fix it.

Is that part of why people hang on? They feel if the WS is willing to put up with the anger and sadness and unpredictability of you that you should at least give them a chance? Even if you know you can't do it?

You stay hoping for a miracle all the while ignoring the truth that you carry in your heart. 

I think what confuses it even more is that you feel like you will become the betrayer by leaving. They wrecked it beyond repair and somehow you still feel responsible for causing it's end. 

Does being betrayed cause a form of co-dependence? 

They pulled the trigger and you feel guilty for declaring the body dead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd

Erase......replace


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## allwillbewell

To Hurtingbadly and 4getmenot....have hope and don't give up! If you are totally convinced your WS is transparent, truthful, remorseful and trying hard to prove their love, stick with it. It has been 2 1/2 years since first Dday for me, 7 months since 2nd Dday for an affair 20 years ago...call me clueless...I felt all the emotions you describe but want to let you know it fades. But you must try to put it all in the past, focus on the good you are experiencing now...it is extremely painful, difficult and very slow going, but you can do it. 

You also need to look very closely at your own assumptions about marriage and what you expected of your spouse. In my case, I came to realize that I contributed to a dysfunctional marriage, expected vows to replace working at the marriage and became complacent. I also understand this does not excuse his infidelities: I did not deserve it under any circumstances! But the truth is, my husband lost his moral compass, made selfish and deceitful choices that impacted me horribly. His character and values hit rock bottom. All true, but he has realized and admitted this, is remorseful and is trying to make amends, rebuild his character and reclaim his values. The realization that at times I betrayed my own values too has helped me stop judging him. We are all imperfect and fail at times to live up to the values we claim we have. But we can do better and become the best we have the potential to be...that's all God wants of us in the end...

I feel the best way I can help him do this is to move forward, live each day as if it is my last and return what love I have for him fully. Yes, I have bad days, trigger days, but believe me they are fewer and fewer...the terrible pain and futility you feel now will be replaced with happy and loving experiences but you have to make them happen! NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS BUT YOU YOURSELF. If you choose to remain in the past, so will your relationships. Judge him not on the past but how he treats you today. Is there a problem with today? Deal with it but leave the past alone. It doesn't exist anymore! 

So when you feel the pain overwhelm you, do whatever you can to distract yourself: pray, meditate, exercise, volunteer, start a hobby, focus, focus focus on the promise, the hope, the optimism, whatever you can to give yourself positive reinforcement. And as much as TAM can help, at some point you need to stop reading all the horrible stories, how awful people treat each other and rewrite your own life story. Because whether you like it or not, this black period IS a part of your story...make it a chapter, not the finale of your life and its meaning.


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## honcho

very well said allwillbewell.


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## remorseful strayer

hurtingbadly said:


> I feel so trapped. I don't know how to let go and move forward.


I think you answered your question. 

You feel trapped. That's an awful feeling to have. 

It also may indicate that you are only staying in the marriage due to finances. 

The solution: Go back to school and get a good job. Then decide whether or not you want to reconcile. 

If cheating is a deal breaker for you. Divorce your spouse and set both of you free. Alternatively, you can legally separate for awhile, and decide if you miss him. But get yourself financially solvent first.

Staying in a marriage because it is safe or convenient is the wrong reason to reconcile.


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## indiecat

Divorce won't neccessarily change the way you feel. You'll still have to come to terms with his failiure. 

Only you know if the marriage is worth saving, if he is otherwise a good man. Divorce is very traumatic, even more traumatic than infidelity for some people. 

Does he lie? 

Was the OW someone close to you?


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## clipclop2

Indie, I would take a guess and say that well over 75% of people who divorce after infidelity heal faster than those who stay in the marriage. It is a lot easier to move on and build an actual new life than it is to replace the existing one with an alleged "new and improved" model. 

His being a good man is only material of the OP is only staying because of guilt over hurting the good man that cheated on her and created this crisis. 

If the OP were to take a couple months apart from her WW she would probably find the answer. Minimal contact during that time. If she feels better on her own then she knows a divorce would be best. If she still wants to try she can go back knowing that apart was worse than struggling to stay married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

I don't mean to minimize your feelings, but it sounds like the only case of infidelity was a one night stand 10 years ago? Is that right? I do understand that even 10 years after the fact that it changes the way you think about your past with this person, but leaving seems like a really extreme reaction to this. So, what exactly is bothering you about this? Are you worried that he may have been unfaithful on more than just this occasion and he's not telling you? Are you worried that he might do it again? What you do about it depends on what worries you about it - what you think it means for your current relationship. 

If you have no reason to believe that it was more than this one time and he won't do it again, then I think the answer could be as simple as recognizing when you start to ruminate about it and soothe yourself by saying "it was a long time ago and I trust that he won't do it again." OR, maybe more realistically, because honestly, anyone's partner could cheat at any time and we could worry about it whether it's happened or not, "I have the strength to handle whatever comes and I'm going to work on strengthening our relationship now."


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## clipclop2

"but it sounds like the *only* case of infidelity was a *one night stand* *10 years ago*?"

Sounds like minimizing to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

clipclop2 said:


> "but it sounds like the *only* case of infidelity was a *one night stand* *10 years ago*?"
> 
> Sounds like minimizing to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. I am minimizing it. I don't see it as weighty a thing as having had a long-term affair or it happening more recently.


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## clipclop2

Have you been cheated on? Does your spouse know that they get a freebie? 

Or have you cheated before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

clipclop2 said:


> Have you been cheated on? Does your spouse know that they get a freebie?
> 
> Or have you cheated before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No and no, although this last year after we separated, H slept with a woman he swore was only a good friend when we were together and now that we are trying reconciliation, I've had to beat back anxiety about it like the OP's. I know what you're getting at - that I'm not qualified to answer this question, but my overall point is that if she's experiencing anxiety it's either for a rational reason (H isn't behaving in a trustworthy way) or its for an irrational reason (H is demonstrating complete trustworthiness but she is obsessing.) 

I know for some folks cheating is cheating and for many of the same folks they are not going to tolerate any kind of cheating at any time and they will leave the relationship. She has chosen to stay, so either she believes that infidelity can be forgiven, or she's not sure yet on that issue. 

I personally would see things differently if my H had said he'd had a ONS vs. an affair in which he felt that he was in love with the other person. I think the latter is harder to recover from. And although I would rethink the 6 years since the ONS, wondering if it was all a lie, after getting over the hurt I could see the possibility that my H hadn't cheated since then so he seems truly remorseful about it, intended not to do it again, didn't, and he deserves some credit for that.


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## firebelly1

I'm not saying that mine or anyone else's SO gets a freebie, I'm saying if my H had an unplanned ONS, felt truly remorseful about it and never repeated it and I found out, it would hurt, he would need to help rebuild my trust, but I would forgive him. The truth is, if that happened, I would rather he not tell me - just deal with whatever led you to do that and don't do it again.


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## clipclop2

By not knowing it sounds like you would give him a free pass. Have you told him that? 

I think the thing is that whatever they do you wish it were a lesser offense. And I think that's because you are struggling. So to explain to yourself why you are struggling you reasons that well there must be something left her that I would have left trouble for giving because I really want to stay with this person but I can't seem to do it and be happy. In other words if only he had done that instead of this. So it's all relative to what the offense was. 

No matter the situation the realization that your spouse 10 betray you and will betray you and has betrayed you set your whole world upside down. It doesn't matter whether it was 10 minutes ago for 10 years ago. All that matters is when you found out. 

I can understand why you are struggling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3

clipclop2 said:


> I think most people know deep down if they are the kind of person that can move forward and love and regain the trust they once had for the WS. It gets pushed aside. You keep trying because you want to be a good person. You don't want to be the bad guy calling a spade a spade : they hurt you too much and there is nothing that anyone can do to fix it.
> 
> Is that part of why people hang on? They feel if the WS is willing to put up with the anger and sadness and unpredictability of you that you should at least give them a chance? Even if you know you can't do it?
> 
> You stay hoping for a miracle all the while ignoring the truth that you carry in your heart.
> 
> I think what confuses it even more is that you feel like you will become the betrayer by leaving. They wrecked it beyond repair and somehow you still feel responsible for causing it's end.
> 
> Does being betrayed cause a form of co-dependence?
> 
> They pulled the trigger and you feel guilty for declaring the body dead.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This has been my life for almost 3 years of limbo! It is a horrible place to be. 

~ sammy


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## sammy3

This link is so enlightening... 


Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault


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## clipclop2

That link puts the Coping section into a single page... which makes it a bit hard to read. 

So what do you think you are going to do, Sammy? 

They hand you a life altering event and you are forced to make more life altering decisions. It isn't freaking fair. 

That's one of the subjects in the article. Justice. Fairness. 

They have to live with what they did, but they got to do it. You have to live with what they did and you did nothing at all. No justice. 

Whether you stay or go, you still have to live with what happened. 

I just think leaving is easier. 

Cheaters should have to pay severance to the BS. Can't buy me love but it can buy distance and the beginning of a new life.


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## sammy3

Clipclop... What am I going to do? Eat crow for awhile I think. Yes, so true, if we choose to live everyday with our partner, we are reminded everyday why our marriages are struggling. 

I just want to be happy again inside. I've been separated from my husband for 2.5 yrs. We just start mc as we never did, as my anger and rage was too great, and so uncontrollable, as well as I sunk into a deep depression for many months. It was just better for him to move out. 

Did I miss him? No, I was still I mess, but, I missed the guy stuff he did. I miss having someone else run to the store for me. But every other feeling for him, nothing really would come back, just still to mad, too angry. 

Then this Aug, I hit so low again , I was living alone, the depression was so great, anxiety eating me alive, I reach out to my dr for help.(short version) Which then brought us to mc & ic for me. 

But the 2.5 separation... Did it help us? I couldn't "improve" myself as I was, and I am, still trying to recover from the shake out of my husband affair, as emotionally it hit me hard. There is a whole lot I don't know about him during that time, & we aren't very close yet. We are very polite, like stranger getting to know each other again. It's weird. 

~sammy


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