# Dealing with a Self Loather



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband sometimes hits these cycles of depression where he is negative and totally self loathing. This time is the ultimate experience in this category. I am handling it well. I continue on as I normally would and just walk on egg shells when he is present. I'm unfortunately not doing enough to prevent it from worsening. He came home from work last night, intoxicated, and within moments told me he we made a big mistake and we need to end the marriage. Saying things like he is meant to be alone forever, that he isn't good at being with anyone. He isn't right for me, and I deserve someone who does all the things that I write about in my journal. Yes, he found my journal with my super secret thoughts that I only write down for self preservation, and to help keep my sanity. This did not help with his self-loathing because it said exactly all the things I hate about our relationship. All of which are easily manageable. I don't want a divorce. 

So how do I deal with a man who doesn't want to be with me anymore because he doesn't think he is good enough?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Why isn't he on medication?


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Why isn't he on medication?


He refuses to see a therapist. "No one is going to tell him about himself."


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Then there is only as much dealing with him as you can stand. He has a bi-polar disorder and needs medication to control his manic episodes. Try though you might - and there may be some successes - but there will always be the next time. And, it's likely to become worse and more frequent. People who suffer this kind of disorder are not normally dangerous to others, but they may become a danger to themselves. If he is depressed and self-loathing, he could also become suicidal.

This isn't always a case for a therapist. Normally it is, but if he refuses, his doctor can prescribe something for him. The danger there is a medical practitioner can't do evaluations and therefore would not know everything that is available or what might work best for him. He wouldn't necessarily be apprised of the latest developments in that field. Also, he wouldn't necessarily know how to tweak the dosage the way a psychiatrist can do. Nevertheless, talk to his doctor and tell him about your husband's condition. He will know what to do.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Nevertheless, talk to his doctor and tell him about your husband's condition. He will know what to do.


That is just it, he has not gone to the doctor but once since I met him and that is when we lived in another state. He has no doctor.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Mandia99508, I'm sorry but that's not it. You can find him a doctor, just like you would do if you didn't have a doctor but needed one. You can also find a way to get him to a doctor.

But that is neither here nor there. If he never gets to a doctor, then you have a mentally ill person on your hands and are asking on an internet forum how to deal with him. There is no way to deal with him, meaning there is nothing you can do to snap him out of his episodes......because he needs medication. That is all there is. You can spend your life researching and monitoring the foods he eats (some research suggests certain foods contribute while other foods help with control), but you will go nuts on that journey. I have a sister who is bi-polar and diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. She is my big sister and I was always her favorite. I felt special to her and loved her so much. When she first became ill, I wanted her psych to tell me how to deal with her just like you are looking for help. I wanted her to understand the logical value of my words when I tried to explain her imagination is just her imagination. But her psych let me know the only way to help her is with medication. There is nothing else to do. Other than that is just as I stated before - there is only as much dealing with him as you can stand.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Are you gettting help for yourself in this?
I know from exoerience that it is very difficult and painful to live with a depressed spouse. There is nothing that you can do to change him, the best you can do is support him when and if he is willing to make changes. If and or until that point, the best you can do is to keep yourself healthy and get some support for yourself through this.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Pretty amazing that we can now diagnose complex mental illnesses based on a single paragraph on an internet message board. Hooray, science!

On a more serious note, I am sure you have talked with him until you are blue in the face, trying to reassure him that he is good enough, that you love him, that you don't want to divorce, and so on. And I suspect the experience is sort of like smashing your face on the table - in other words, it doesn't accomplish much, and it hurts. Frankly, that sucks and my heart goes out to you.

Stubbornness, when it meets self-loathing, is a tough thing. Add alcohol, which has a depressive effect on its own, and it doesn't get any better. Can you help him get off the booze, even for a few days? Perhaps then you can help him start on some new habits, one of which could be looking for and talking about one thing to be thankful for each day. 

Maybe he is bi-polar, maybe he is clinically depressed, maybe he is otherwise mentally ill... but if he's not going to see a doctor, how are you really to know? You simply have to deal with what's in front of you. It sounds like you're not ready to walk away and let him have what he verbalizes (a life without you, etc.), and I think you're right to hang in there and try to help him. At some point, perhaps that help will include medical care. Right now, I think you have to tackle this with baby steps. So maybe start with 86'ing the booze if you can.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Mal74 said:


> On a more serious note, I am sure you have talked with him until you are blue in the face, trying to reassure him that he is good enough, that you love him, that you don't want to divorce, and so on.


 Yes I have many times. Many many times. I'm in this forever, and I've made it very clear that if he doesn't want me around, that it isn't going to be me that bails. 



Mal74 said:


> Stubbornness, when it meets self-loathing, is a tough thing. Add alcohol, which has a depressive effect on its own, and it doesn't get any better. Can you help him get off the booze, even for a few days?


 I have suggested this as well until I am blue in the face. I've asked him to take a week off just to see if he feels better. He never agrees. Ever. I'm willing to tolerate the drinking because it is apart of who he is, and I do love that person entirely. I may not like what it does to him physiologically, or mentally, but he is what he is and has always been a consumer of the drink. I just think it's increase lately has been his downfall. So my way of getting him to drink less, is by having some myself. (Usually I go in the kitchen and dump most of mine down the drain)


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Mandia99508, I'm sorry but that's not it. You can find him a doctor, just like you would do if you didn't have a doctor but needed one. You can also find a way to get him to a doctor.


You're not hearing me. He won't go. Regardless of me "finding him a doctor." It means nothing. He won't doing anything unless he wants to. The way he is right now, he certainly isn't up for suggestions either. He will go to the doctor when he has something wrong, and that hasn't happened in a long time. Men aren't like women at our age. They don't need a yearly exam. Medical insurance is not an issue because we have great coverage (thanks to him) and even still he won't go. In fact he blames me for having to pay insurance every month because I'm the only one who uses it. 

And as far as the rest of you post goes, about medication. Right now he is not ready to take that step. He assumes he will never be. No matter how much I encourage it. Whatever I ask for I get the opposite effect. So I'm stopping asking for anything. Withdrawing and letting him live without any guidance or input from me. For a while. I've vowed myself to go 1 year without giving him any **** about his alcohol abuse. I talked to my dad at length about it, and he says for now, not to make it an issue. He'll let go of that when he's ready. My father speaks from experience. His parents are both alcoholics and he was on the same road for 30+ years. He just up and quit one day, never touched the stuff again.

Besides it's his body. He ultimately gets to decide what he puts in to it, regardless of how it may affect me. I'm okay, I'm healthy, I'm strong and stable. I know in the end, nothing will drag me down. I always bounce back.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

sounds like he likes to be miserable....and this may be how he gets attention possibly? Don't get me wrong, sounds like he is totally depression and probably needs medication. Would he be against trying St John's Wart? Maybe easing him into it would work....


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

fairy godmother said:


> Would he be against trying St John's Wart? Maybe easing him into it would work....


I've heard this from other people. My mom says otherwise. But I wonder if just some daily vitamins would be good. I wouldn't be opposed to him taking in some extra magnesium or zinc. I hear they boost libido. Which means a heightened sense of awareness psychologically.


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