# Confused about ex girlfriend and her actions



## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

Ok so I'm not married, however I'm 27 and my ex girlfriend is 21, both aged last February. But I found this site and hope I can get some mature responses/advice.

Basically me and my ex dated for about 14 months. At first I had carried baggage from my previous long-term relationship, which wasn't fair to my current ex. I was lied to and left in the dust by my previous ex and I entered the current relationship overly cautious and very held-back. She saw this as me being untrustworthy, or not involved. I pretty much acted single towards her and she finally broke up with me a little over a month ago. 

I chased her trying to prove what she really meant and how important she was but she would tell me she just wants time alone and that there isn't (she claims there still isn't) anybody else she's with or looking for. I'd try and leave her alone but she would text me every couple days being normal, checking up on my basically and it always turned into me expressing myself...all through text. 

Weeks of this occurred until finally I confronted her stringing me along and got her to admit she misses me and has put this wall up but she doesn't know what she wants and is confused. I will add she has yet to tell me to move on and is always asking if I've found somebody else or moved on...something she always felt paranoid about me doing while we dated. 

After an argument she told me that if I really feel this way to tell her to her face, in person and stop telling it to her through text. She doesn't live close and is always busy with her friends so it was hard to consider meeting her without her dismissing it. I always told her I'm not giving up until she realizes what she really means to me and makes a final decision.

We met last Monday, two days ago today. It was the first time I've seen her since the break up. She put on some pounds she claims and has been seeing a female trainer so she can get into shape and we went for a walk as she told me all about it. We went back to my car since it was chilly and I told her everything, I was firm and confident, not pitiful or weak. She said her side and what I did to make her think certain things and she even cried a little. We cut it short after about 2 hours because she was late for her trainer, she gave me birthday presents she had since my birthday in Feb that she hadn't given me. 

Not 5 minutes until she left she texted me saying how late to her trainer she was but it's not my fault and she was being nice and called me a funny name. I looked at her gifts she got while I was driving and just lost it. They hit home because they were so un-generic and very personal, it shown she really knows what I like, etc. When I got home I thanked her and said how sad it made me for the reason I said here. She said she'd figure I wouldn't be sad anymore and would have moved on by now, but that she didn't think I should have. She also said she hopes I feel closer to her now and I said I felt like I lost her, all she said back was "shh." She continued small talk, asking my opinions on stuff and when I gave negative feedback she said she wouldn't do it, etc. That night I said I wish she was sleeping next to me and she told me she's sorry she couldn't be. I asked if she ever will again and all she said was she can't tell me she will. After I fell asleep she texted me saying she was sick and was going to bed and goodnight, the first time she's said goodnight since we broke up. I was asleep so I didn't respond and didn't when I woke up the next morning. That Tuesday morning she texted me asking why I didn't respond and I told her why, she said "oh," me nothing and that was the last we spoke, it now being Wednesday night.

Now unless she's a double agent she doesn't seem to be talking to somebody else, I could be wrong but she's so straight forward and honest and has never lied to me before it just wouldn't fit right now. But I just need advice as to what I should do, or what her motives may be. Should I wait for her to text me now? Or is it a lost cause to where the talk we had gave her closure on our breakup so she's ok to move on? I feel my short answers may have turned her off and that's why she hasn't texted me since yesterday morning, but I don't want to text her and be wasting my time because she'll be civil either way. Sorry this was so long but I felt it is a tricky situation. 

Thanks for reading.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

spiritofjosh said:


> She continued small talk, asking my opinions on stuff and when I gave negative feedback she said she wouldn't do it, etc.


What does this mean? You told her not to ask your opinions about things? 

It seems to me the only "tricky" thing in this story is you giving conflicting signals and confusing someone else.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't you hate these stupid games people play? You hold back initially because some other girl burned you. he interprets that as your lack of investment so she breaks it off. You wake up to what your were doing and give chase. She holds back because now she can't be sure if playing hard to get is what's working or if this really is you, This Is Such a Waste of Time.

If you were to die next week, what would you want?



Okay then, go make it happen. 


Stop playing games. Be honest. Be upfront. Be Open. Go!


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> What does this mean? You told her not to ask your opinions about things?
> 
> It seems to me the only "tricky" thing in this story is you giving conflicting signals and confusing someone else.


Thank you for reading and the response, it's very appreciated. 

I didn't want to go into direct detail but she texted me (after the emotional discussion about our "talk") asking about getting a certain facial piercing. She said she wanted a new one, maybe her "medusa" which is the center part between top lip and bottom of nose and I said I've known people to have it and take it out in a couple days. She asked why and I told her I think it looks silly on some people and others complained about it in general. Her response was "you don't think I'd look good with it," and I said it wasn't up to me and she just said she won't get it then. As if she valued my opinion even though I don't know how often I'd be seeing her.

And I've posted on another forum but wanted some fresh advice. I've been told I'm the one playing mind games, which makes sense, and that she's afraid to be hurt and just playing her defenses. My problem is rejection, not where I'm afraid to risk it, but to be lead on and head right into rejection without seeing it. Example would be talking to her, being "sweet" to her, and her being nice back but in her head knowing it's over but her not realizing clearly I'm going for reconciliation.

I'm very pessimistic as you can tell but she's very hard to read to me. One day she'll say "I never said I'd want you back" after arguing and another day she'll say "I'll have to see how I feel after we talk." One thing though is if she managed to like me enough and stay with me this long after feeling "unloved" and unimportant, I'd think me letting my heart pour in person, verbally, would have to make some emotional difference to her...unless it's just too late?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dude, just play it straight and stop interpreting cause clearly that's not your forte!

When she makes contradictory statements, says thing you don't understand or aren't sure what she means... ASK HER. You say, "I want us back together. I need an answer." 

And then she'll be indecisive and silly. 

Then you say, "No, I can't do things that way. I won't be played with. Tell me what you need to feel secure about us because I'm not going to keep guessing."

And if you still don't get a straight answer... 

The truth is... 

She is toying with you and it's time to cut bait.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's *very *young.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> She's *very *young.


Yes, missed that. Good point. games might be all she can do just yet.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you want an adult woman capable of making rational, adult decisions, why are you hanging around a 21 year old? You're getting mixed signals partly because that's what you give her and also because you're signalling someone who isn't yet grown. Stick her back in the oven and let her bake a while longer.


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

During our talk she had mentioned that I am older and she's obviously younger and still has room to grow mentally. I never brought this to her attention but she admitted on her own. 

When I do ask her what the deal is she says she just doesn't know. Before the conversation we had in person she would say she didn't know what it was like for me to tell her how I felt in person and now that she does I'm not sure if she still needs to process that. Judging by how happy she seemed after we talked I feel like it made a difference but me playing it somewhat cold I'm sure didn't help. 

Now I'm just wondering if I wait for her to come to me, or go to her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh come on dude.

Be the man and ask for what you want. She is very young, but if she is what you want, stop playing games and be honest.


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh come on dude.
> 
> Be the man and ask for what you want. She is very young, but if she is what you want, stop playing games and be honest.


I love this, being whipped into shape without hearing "move on now" because that isn't always the cure all. You're right, I should just man up and at least talk to her normally first, but based on her actions do you think she is still interested or is done? If it looks positive it'll be easier for me to make less awkward conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

spiritofjosh said:


> I love this, being whipped into shape without hearing "move on now" because that isn't always the cure all. You're right, I should just man up and at least talk to her normally first, but based on her actions do you think she is still interested or is done? If it looks positive it'll be easier for me to make less awkward conversation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who knows what she's thinking. Sometimes you just have to take the shot. So do it.


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## vahlaria (Jan 31, 2013)

spiritofjosh said:


> *Basically me and my ex dated for about 14 months. At first I had carried baggage from my previous long-term relationship, which wasn't fair to my current ex. I was lied to and left in the dust by my previous ex and I entered the current relationship overly cautious and very held-back. She saw this as me being untrustworthy, or not involved. I pretty much acted single towards her and she finally broke up with me a little over a month ago. *[/B]


For a lot of women . . . this bolded is what she thinks you already know. Perhaps to her you can't undo this? 

I'm sure you will do better with your next girlfriend.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay so this is coming from someone who NEVER played "the game" and can't stand "the game".

Drive out to her. Show up, take her out. Tell her your feelings. Tell her you don't want to "play the game" Tell her you want a real committed and adult relationship. She can be with you 100% or none. But no more of this in between stuff (from EITHER of you).


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

EX-GF, only together for 14 months, EX-GF, she plays games, EX-GF

Move on. If she was the last woman left on earth then I would understand why you would chase her so much.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

spiritofjosh said:


> After an argument she told me that if I really feel this way to tell her to her face, in person and stop telling it to her through text. *She doesn't live close and is always busy* with her friends so it was hard to consider meeting her without her dismissing it. I always told her I'm not giving up until she realizes what she really means to me and makes a final decision.


Sh!t test alert.

You comply with this, and I guarantee you will never land this girl.

You're entire post smacks of someone that is ultra needy and--desperate--to have this girl. She threw you a lifeline to prove you AREN'T that needy, desperate guy.

If you want her, show her you're worth her having.

I'm going to recommend a book for you: "Get Inside Her: Dirty Dating Tips & Secrets From A Woman On How To Attract, Seduce And Get Any Female You Want" Get Inside Her: Dirty Dating Tips & Secrets From A Woman On How To Attract, Seduce And Get Any Female You Want: Marni Kinrys: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

The electronic version is $4 on Amazon. Get it and read it in your web browser.

This not a "game" or alpha/beta book. It is written by a woman for men, and explains exactly what women are looking for in men (and what turns them off).

Bottom line: everything you are doing to land this girl is listed as a *mistake* men make when trying to land a woman--everything.

If you want to lose this girl, then just keep doing what you are doing, because you are going to lose her--I have no doubt of that.

Otherwise, get this book, read it this evening (it's a quick read), then start off going after her tomorrow with a plan that might actually work.


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

I downloaded the book and read most of it but on kindle it crashed and I couldn't finish the last (and probably most important) two chapters. 

Yesterday she texted me asking how my day at work was early on but I didn't hear from her that night. My friend told me though that he talked to her a day or two prior about her and I and basically elaborated my side so she sees I'm not full of BS but also sided with her views. He said she told him that she cares for me so much but is worried about getting hurt again and just needs time to clear the air for herself instead of jumping back into a relationship. 

This is ok by me but she is so cold towards me if we talk. She texted me this morning asking how my night was and the conversation lasted maybe 5 texts each, then nothing until 7 hours later when I texted her. That conversation was even shorter because she said she was going to the gym then just never said anything. I mentioned I was at a bar and I go sometimes with an old female friend that my ex doesn't seem fond of, even though she denies it. I didn't say who I was with, which wasn't that girl anyway (whose engaged) but the conversation was brief at that point, maybe that's why. 

I'm keeping my temper and not showing my annoyance with her but it's hard when she's so cold even though she's giving me tons of mixed signals. I'm going to try again to read that book but should I try and talk to her more or just let her come to me?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

21 is an adult. This is just immaturity on both sides. My wife was 19 when I met her and pulled none of this. 

Don't use go-betweens in relationships. It is both immature and rife with manipulative potential. The fact you have to concern yourself with "what things mean" indicates you are being toyed with. 

*Blue Firefly* - good catch, yea. About living far away and always being busy with friends. I don't put up with that for a second. You are either interested and make time for me or good-bye. 

*SpiritofJosh* - fear of rejection is not an excuse for sending mixed signals yourself. You give straignt talk to people. If you are not ready for committment, then just say so. Don't give mixed signals as a way of keeping them on the line yet failing to commit. That is not kind. 

Personally I'd dump her. But I would have dumped you first if I was a woman.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi agree with Anon Pink go see her and play it straight if she is the one you want if not do her a favor and tell her where she stands dont leave her in mid air


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

frank29 said:


> Hi agree with Anon Pink go see her and play it straight if she is the one you want if not do her a favor and tell her where she stands dont leave her in mid air


She knows what I want and I made that clear, but I agreed that I would give her the space she wants. According to her, both towards me and my friend she spoke to, she doesn't want to jump back into my arms with the fear that I would act the same way all over again. Why she wouldn't just tell me to move on is beyond me because I've asked her if that's what she wants several times. 

From a girl's perspective I just don't understand how you can not want your ex boyfriend to move on but at the same time NOT be looking for another relationship, it just seems rare these days. Especially her, she's very attractive and guys are always all over her, even while we dated, but she isn't flirty either. I'm just having a hard time understanding why she can be really nice one day, and not talk to me a whole other day, or if I talk to her she gives me short answers. I've been trying to bite my tongue keeping my temper because I have the respect to give her time when I'm the one who dropped the ball in the relationship. And I'm not even making myself the bad guy from her view, all my friend's tell me I was a terrible boyfriend.  And I would not blame her if she decided to not take me back, I wouldn't say I didn't deserve it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

spiritofjosh said:


> According to her, both towards me and my friend she spoke to, she doesn't want to jump back into my arms with the fear that I would act the same way all over again. Why she wouldn't just tell me to move on is beyond me.


It's what you did to her.

That's why.


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

I talked to her on Sunday because I commented on one of her pictures saying she looked beautiful and she texted me saying thank you. It lead to me telling her I was starting to get really sick and she told me I should go see a doctor. Monday she didn't text me at all but liked a bunch of my things on facebook and a picture I posted. Today I stayed home from work because I have the flu and she texted me at 7 am asking how I was feeling and was telling me she wishes I would listen to her and go to the doctor and to stop sleeping with my air conditioner on. I even asked her to come take care of me and she said she will, but I wouldn't want her getting sick. She continued to text me about all different things which has been the most she's texted me since we broke up. All day she would start a new conversation even asking if she could get music off my itunes. 

I told her today was the longest she's ever texted me since we broke up and she said no! But wants to be nice to me because she knows I care for her, and that she's not forcing being nice.

I told her "just so you know if you think this is going to turn into just a friendship that I can't do that." and she said "i know" and we went back to normal conversation. So I really don't know where she's going.


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## lillie.katie (Mar 19, 2013)

I remember being 21 and playing games..she is really young yet and sounds like she isn't really emotionally mature enough for a real relationship and you need time to heal emotionally..Take a break for awhile and just pick up in a few months or longer.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

SpiritofJosh, here's my rules (as a woman):

_1) If your version of a relationship is text and Facebook messages, I have no time for you. Real life is talking face-to-face and being in another person's company.

2) Be clear about what you want, or leave me alone._

I would say leave this woman alone. Completely, totally alone. Stop the texting, stop the calling, stop the "oh-let's-meet-one-more-time" crap. Get yourself into individual counseling, to find out why you do this and why you put up with it from others.

Then, take these lessons into your next relationship. This young lady is playing games -- right now she cannot commit to a solid relationship. And neither can you.

(P.S. The above rules apply to me, as well. I used to be a "nice girl" until some counseling showed me that was a ridiculous way to live my life. I am much happier than I ever thought I could be.)


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

spiritofjosh said:


> I told her "just so you know if you think this is going to turn into just a friendship that I can't do that." and she said "i know" and we went back to normal conversation. So I really don't know where she's going.


She doesn't know. It's already just friends.

Women desire what they don't have. Don't believe me, then try this experiment: go to a pawn shop, buy a men's wedding band (it doesn't have to be expensive), put it on, and go to a bar. You'll have women hitting on you--women that wouldn't have given you a second look.

She has you now. She knows it and you know it. She doesn't have to exert any effort to keep you, she just has to not say anything to drive you away. She likes the situation the way it currently is: able to date whoever she wants, and having a guy on the line. Do you know how that must feed her ego--to have a guy puppy-dogging after her?

You want to change the dynamic? Tell her you have a date. Make yourself into the guy she doesn't have.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> Do you know how that must feed her ego--to have a guy puppy-dogging after her?


He ought to. Because that's what he did to her at first.

So she swapped roles with him.

What's so ridiculous about "tag, you're it manipulative game-playing" is that you can just be boyfriend/girlfriend instead. Have great companionship, sex, no stressing about what things "mean"...

So why do this instead?


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

I agree she swapped roles unfortunately I feel like if I were in her position I would have felt worse being in a relationship and being treated like she was than me just being confused about something I know I messed up on.

Today I asked her if she's playing games, or leading me on because I'm tired of doing everything for her feelings instead of mine. She denied both and said she doesn't know and she just wants to talk to me, see how I'm feeling etc. I told her I can't do it anymore, that it'll be the last she hears from me, thank you and I'll miss her. All she said was "I'll miss you too" (not very sincere). I deleted her off facebook, unfollowed her on instagram and even deleted her number. If my attention wouldn't let her sort things out, perhaps my absence will, I hope at least. 

If she breaks contact with me I will tell her that if she has something to talk about to meet me face to face like I went and met her last week. Or at bare minimum call me for a brief conversation, but encourage meeting still. Thing is, besides me and her ex from 6 years ago who cheated on her, she doesn't get involved in many relationships. I feel like she has no idea what she's doing, how to handle her emotions, our breakup, our situation. So I'm giving her real space without the net of text messaging so she can see what it's like not having me at all.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

spiritofjosh said:


> ........
> 
> And I've posted on another forum but wanted some fresh advice. I've been told I'm the one playing mind games, which makes sense, * YEP * and that she's afraid to be hurt and just playing her defenses. My problem is rejection, not where I'm afraid to risk it, but to be lead on and head right into rejection without seeing it. Example would be talking to her, being "sweet" to her, and her being nice back but in her head knowing it's over but her not realizing clearly I'm going for reconciliation.
> 
> I'm very pessimistic as you can tell * Do you like this about yourself??? * but she's very hard to read to me. One day she'll say "I never said I'd want you back" after arguing and another day she'll say "I'll have to see how I feel after we talk." One thing though is if she managed to like me enough and stay with me this long after feeling "unloved" and unimportant, I'd think me letting my heart pour in person, verbally, would have to make some emotional difference to her...unless it's just too late?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good job spiritofjosh, you sent a clear message ending the pretend communication games.

repeate after me: 

"I will keep it real. I will SPEAK words that clearly indicate how I feel and what I want. I will not speak words to mislead others. I will take risks in order to get what I want."


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## spiritofjosh (Mar 14, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Good job spiritofjosh, you sent a clear message ending the pretend communication games.
> 
> repeate after me:
> 
> "I will keep it real. I will SPEAK words that clearly indicate how I feel and what I want. I will not speak words to mislead others. I will take risks in order to get what I want."


I'm keeping it real alright, not a word to or from her since weds and I really don't feel compelled to contact her. I miss her dearly but I'm ok with how it is. I hope the risk of cutting out contact completely will knock some sense into her. I am not afraid to be alone, in face I usually prefer it but she is actually somebody I enjoy spending my time and life with, hopefully she'll come around but if not at least I'm taking measure of my own life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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