# I don't know..



## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

I recently asked my husband to ask his family (my in-laws) to move out. Consists of a mother and one 26 year old boy not doing anything. 

My husband is a bit upset. I think the main reason is that MIL is helping us pay for mortgage $650 and when she's gone, no more money.

I told him I can help pay for mortgage (I don't want to, I really don't want to.. I was raised with the belief that the husband works and the wife stays at home and do the chores. But for some reasons, I can't be just a housewife..). I work physically and low income, and can't contribute as much as MIL does. I have cell phone bill, gas, car payment, and some other stuff like physiotherapy (to cure my dyspareunia so I can make my husband happy). I know what you're thinking.. my brain/mental/perception is messed up.

It has been a year that in-laws live with us and I hate every minute of it. But after asking my husband for them to move out, I am worried about my money..

Edit: After few days of thinking, I am okay with contributing to mortgage. Sometimes I don't realize or believe my rights as a wife and I'm worried that one day husband will throw me out of the house and then I won't have anything except my bank account and if I have nothing saved I'm screwed. This is just my paranoid self thinking, got no base. Living where I am right now, I know I am protected by law.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

damsel said:


> I recently asked my husband to ask his family (my in-laws) to move out. Consists of a mother and one 26 year old boy not doing anything.
> 
> My husband is a bit upset. I think the main reason is that MIL is helping us pay for mortgage $650 and when she's gone, no more money.
> 
> ...


Oooookay...

First of all, being solely responsible for paying all the bills is a huge challenge / responsibility. In fact, most men (and women) can't do it well if at all. That is simply a financial reality. I don't know where you got your ideals, but you need to put that aside.

Second, you sound kind of selfish. You don't really want to work, and you expect whatever money you make to go to you. It sounds like your gas, car payment, cell phone, etc. uses up all your income. Perhaps your husband knows you don't like to help with the bills and that's why he's apprehensive.

I don't know what you mean when you say "you can't be just a housewife". But, if you are working full-time and don't help with the bills, your husband has the worst of both worlds. That is, he has the financial responsibility of a sole provider (because you are spending all your money on you) and the home life of a dual-income family (because you are busy supporting your lifestyle). 

So, if that is your life, you are working to support you, and he is working to support you both. Nothing is going from you to him. That is a very unfair arrangement, and he is right to be upset.

You really only have two solutions, given that you want MIL out of your home (which is understandable). The first is to lower your lifestyle and pitch in more financially. The second is to develop a marketable skill so you can get out of the rut of doing hard manual labor for approximately minimum wage. I strongly suggest the second option.

Whatever you do, don't slight him for not being able to provide the lifestyle you want. Keep in mind that he cannot force someone to hire him for the money you feel you need to live the life you want. Unless he's a slacker, he's doing the best he can to bring it home in a challenging financial environment. It's unfair to blame him for something beyond his control, and acting like helping out is burdensome to you will just incite resentment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How big is the house you live in with your inlaws? HOw many bedrooms?

As much as you hate having them there, could you take some time to get more job skills so you can earn enough to live on? Then have them move out?

What % of total rent/mortgage do your MIL and BIL pay?

Could your husband press your BIL to get a job?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Having a self contained home of their own is for most couples the idea but it is not a cheep thing to pull off. In the past it was normal for a newly married couple to move in with one of the sets of parents or to rent "rooms" in a large house. My own parents lived in the basement of his granparents house for the first two years whilst they saved the deposit for a place of their own.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

I am selfish  and I hate myself for being that way. I hate everything about me, I hate the way I am.. I hate being alive.. and for that reason, I can't be a housewife 'cause I hate being at home. Reason is.. I quote from someone in another thread: "I had a horrible home life as a child, I had my 'homing instinct' severely messed with" so I feel troubled at home, I don't know how to deal with being home.

And I do want to work. Even though my job is physical, low income, people think I can do better, I love my job. It gives me satisfaction at the end of the day. I had a better job before.. I used to work desk job.. but what is better? All day looking at the clock wishing it was 4pm, time to go home, and every night wanting to kill myself because I hated what I did during the day? I have better pay right now.. it's definitely not a lady like job. But I can do it and I like it. It makes me happy. I have more friends. Not just making money, I feel like my soul is being fed too with interacting with the people. Almost everyday I got up excited to go to work. I once got high for noticing how I like my job so much.

I am scared of people. I don't know why. I have asked my psychiatrists but they never really give me answers. With strangers on the street or in the store I'm okay but once I need to deal with people, I freeze. 

Money I earn, I use it for important things too. I used to be impulsive because it made me feel better. Then I learnt that it was wrong. So I started saving. And then some days I needed to break the bank for health issues. And there went my money. I also paid for some education with working the low income job. I chose to drop out. 

Yeah nothing goes to my husband. He earns twice more than me. We bought the house when he used to work with much more money, and back then I didn't work (my dad was helping out a lot). Then he got fired. 

To be cont'd


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

I'm not sure where you got the idea from, but I don't slight my husband for not being able to provide the lifestyle you want. Never. I never ask him a single cent for my lifestyle. He actually owes me money for some schools he did.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

lol wow me and my wife work (i make alot more and make enough she could not work) WE put OUR money into the joint checking and pay the bills out of that. if she need something she buys it same here neither of us have to ask the other to spend the money. 

do your husband a favor help with the bill or be quiet about the inlaws. if you are still unhappy divorce your husband. sorry i dont buy the had a bad childhood excuse. my wife divorced family her dads wife (step mom) made her do drugs and tried prostituting her out at 12 yrs old. bounced around house to house. mom a loser also... my wife works loves my son like her own(not hers other marriage) and is normal


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How big is the house you live in with your inlaws? HOw many bedrooms?
> 
> As much as you hate having them there, could you take some time to get more job skills so you can earn enough to live on? Then have them move out?
> 
> ...


I am not sure how much % MIL pays. BIL doesn't pay anything.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> lol wow me and my wife work (i make alot more and make enough she could not work) WE put OUR money into the joint checking and pay the bills out of that. if she need something she buys it same here neither of us have to ask the other to spend the money.
> 
> do your husband a favor help with the bill or be quiet about the inlaws. if you are still unhappy divorce your husband. sorry i dont buy the had a bad childhood excuse. my wife divorced family her dads wife (step mom) made her do drugs and tried prostituting her out at 12 yrs old. bounced around house to house. mom a loser also... my wife works loves my son like her own(not hers other marriage) and is normal


good for you. yea you don't buy the bad childhood.. the childhood caused me having a mental illness, causing me having trouble with work and life in general. my husband won't divorce me. I asked him a couple of times. In my religion, I will never get a divorce unless the husband says yes (don't ask me what religion). The way I see of getting out of my happiness is suicide. So would you say "go commit suicide if you're still unhappy?"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

damsel said:


> I am not sure how much % MIL pays. BIL doesn't pay anything.


There are a lot of red flags in your situation.

Are you familiar with the marriage laws in your state? Most likely what each of you earns also belongs to the other. For this reason most married couples put all of their income into a joint account and both know how much each makes and what goes out to pay bills.

Right now you have no idea if you MIL is even paying anything to your husband. For all you know his income is supporting her and your lazy BIL.

Your marital income is the first thing you need to solve. Your H is asking you to help support his mother & brother. Yes you are helping to support them because his income is 50% yours. So he needs to let you know now much they contribute.

Whose name is on the mortage and on the deed for the house?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

damsel said:


> good for you. yea you don't buy the bad childhood.. the childhood caused me having a mental illness, causing me having trouble with work and life in general. my husband won't divorce me. I asked him a couple of times. In my religion, I will never get a divorce unless the husband says yes (don't ask me what religion). The way I see of getting out of my happiness is suicide. So would you say "go commit suicide if you're still unhappy?"


Why don't ask religion?

You live in the USA right? So relgion has nothing to do with divorce. You can get a divorce any time you want.

If you are Muslim (which i suspect) you have the right to get a divorce. There is no such restruction.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

@EleGirl, nope not in the USA. I know my rights tho. 

Anyways, can I just say that MIL and BIL moved in with us was my idea to help MIL's finance? She was paying twice what she's paying us right now.. BIL didn't help at all, he hasn't been working for years, playing vidgames and watch tv all day. He's 26 years old. 

I just had an idea to help her. Sometimes I take her to go grocery shopping so she can buy tons and tons of stuff without having to carry them on the bus. I help carry the groceries in. When she cooks for all of us I help her clean up. I include BIL's dirty dishes in our dishwasher. 

I still want MIL around, just don't want BIL. Asking MIL to move out is just the easiest way since my husband and MIL can't seem to ask him to get a job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

damsel said:


> @EleGirl, nope not in the USA. I know my rights tho.
> 
> Anyways, can I just say that MIL and BIL moved in with us was my idea to help MIL's finance? She was paying twice what she's paying us right now.. BIL didn't help at all, he hasn't been working for years, playing vidgames and watch tv all day. He's 26 years old.
> 
> ...


Ok, for some reason I thought you lived in the Boston area.. silly me. 

So you like your MIL around. If she cooks dinner for you all (I remember this now) she's a keeper probably. I wish I had someone to do that for me. 

It sounds like the solution here is to get your BIL out of the house. Does he have mental health issues other than the obvious?


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

Haha, yeah she cooks dinner, not all the time. I cook too, well I try.. I believe I'm not good at cooking.. but even MIL says my cooking is good.

I respect her, and I like having nice people around. There are things I don't like about her but I can tolerate these things that I don't like. I believe in helping a mother after she raised us or a person that we love. I believe in helping people actually. Sometimes I think I have to save the world or something.

A lot of people keep asking me about BIL's mental issues. I am not sure what to say. Just about him that I knew, he had to change schools so much when he was still in elementary-high school. Then he went to uni. He seemed to be a smart kid. I heard from his brothers he used to do great in school, even tutored some kids in his class. Suddenly he dropped out and told everyone he wanted to be a race car driver. 

To me he seems to be living in a dream. He plays vidgames all day and tells us that he's "racing". A depression maybe? I seem to be more depressed than he does. I am always wondering how come he doesn't get stressed out being home all day. He would go around the block once everyday, maybe to get some fresh air?

My husband sometimes asks him about job. He said he's applying for some office job. Well my question is, I think office job would be hard if you don't have any experience plus if you have not worked for about four years.


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