# How do I cope without having my kids 24/7?



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

So you guys probably read my other post.
I am in the midst of a custody battle. I am saying supervised until stbxh can prove sober for 6 months.
He is asking for unsupervised every other weekend and 4 months in the summer yet he was just smoking and taking pills a few weeks ago. I have video proof of our conversations although idk if this is proof. Our friends know. We’ve been in therapy for this. They could also do a hair test.
Anyway worst case this druggy gets our kids. I can’t cope with my young kids ages 2,3 and 7 being away from me.
I can’t. This is why I didn’t leave. What if something happens while I’m gone? He was always so angry and mean. I have video of that too. Idk what to do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to have proof of the substance abuse and proof that it makes him an unsuitable parent. Just being an addict isn't enough, generally. Is he actually an unsuitable parent (danger to the children), or do you just not agree with his choices (for obvious reasons)?

Are you working with a lawyer? They will know if your "proof" is admissible in court or not. They can also tell you what the judge(s) are more likely to do or require. Does he have a record, DUI's, etc? That sort of proof goes further.

Depending on your circumstances, you can request or a judge can appoint a guardian ad litem (GAL) who will look out for the best interests of the children.

As for leaving the children in his care, the worrying gets easier but you will always be cautious. My daughter's "bio-dad" has been clean and sober (cocaine, codeine and alcohol) for around 6 years now and I still glance at his recycling bins and question his behavior when he goes loopy for a while.

I would recommend teaching your kids about addiction (without making their dad the bad guy). Make sure they understand it. There is no shortage of books for this issue.

Send a phone with them and teach your 7 year old how to use it and how to call you if they need help. That should make you feel better.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

bobert said:


> You need to have proof of the substance abuse and proof that it makes him an unsuitable parent. Just being an addict isn't enough, generally. Is he actually an unsuitable parent (danger to the children), or do you just not agree with his choices (for obvious reasons)?
> 
> Are you working with a lawyer? They will know if your "proof" is admissible in court or not. They can also tell you what the judge(s) are more likely to do or require. Does he have a record, DUI's, etc? That sort of proof goes further.
> 
> ...


they haven’t mentioned proof being an issue. They said they could hair test him.
I have recorded conversations of us talking about it. If they got our text messages they’d see him texting people asking to buy it and meet up and such. 
and having to prove him unfit? Does that mean they allow people to be on drugs and parent? That’s odd.
My attorney said more than likely supervised visits and he’d have to pass a drug test. He can have unsupervised after 6 months of passed drug tests.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keep your attorney on the case and keep your attorney informed of everything you know about your ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I divorced my son's father I was concerned because his father was verbally and physically abusive. My son was 7, and even at that age he knew that there was a problem. My son even told me to divorce his father because of the abuse.

My lawyer requested a custody evaluation. The Judge had both of use submit the names of 2 or 3 possible custody evaluators. One of the ones I suggested is called "Fathers and Family". That's the one that the judge chose for use to use. The organization assigned a team of 2, a male and a female. They did a great job. They interviewed both of us a few times and our son. They gave my ex and me personality type tests. And they spoke to reference we both gave them.

They said that my ex's "personality' test showed mental health issues and was consistent with someone who was trying to hide the true nature of his issues. Our son told them a lot about the violence and anger. 

In the end, they suggested that my ex get a about 20% time with our son. And that he had to complete at least 2 years of counseling to improve his relationship with our son in order to get more time. It took him 3 years but eventually he got more time, up to 40%.

My son is 31 now.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When I divorced my son's father I was concerned because his father was verbally and physically abusive. My son was 7, and even at that age he knew that there was a problem. My son even told me to divorce his father because of the abuse.
> 
> My lawyer requested a custody evaluation. The Judge had both of use submit the names of 2 or 3 possible custody evaluators. One of the ones I suggested is called "Fathers and Family". That's the one that the judge chose for use to use. The organization assigned a team of 2, a male and a female. They did a great job. They interviewed both of us a few times and our son. They gave my ex and me personality type tests. And they spoke to reference we both gave them.
> 
> ...



Wow, thats a great idea!


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> Wow, thats a great idea!





EleGirl said:


> When I divorced my son's father I was concerned because his father was verbally and physically abusive. My son was 7, and even at that age he knew that there was a problem. My son even told me to divorce his father because of the abuse.
> 
> My lawyer requested a custody evaluation. The Judge had both of use submit the names of 2 or 3 possible custody evaluators. One of the ones I suggested is called "Fathers and Family". That's the one that the judge chose for use to use. The organization assigned a team of 2, a male and a female. They did a great job. They interviewed both of us a few times and our son. They gave my ex and me personality type tests. And they spoke to reference we both gave them.
> 
> ...


so right now the custody fight is unsupervised vs supervised.

I say supervised bc he’s on drugs as I said.

his settlement is saying unsupervised.

Ive always had a great relationship with his parents. Should I say the kids can stay overnight if they are at his parents? his mom did kind of turn on me though with all of this going on. I wish she just would have heard me out. Bc a good relationship with them is what I was trying to keep. Instead she just wanted me to go back home.
I do know that in their presence he has always been really nice and likely won’t be high.
The other thing though is I think she may have been the one to help him write the settlement to get unsupervised visits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> so right now the custody fight is unsupervised vs supervised.
> 
> I say supervised bc he’s on drugs as I said.
> 
> ...


Have you talked to your attorney about all this? What does he/she say?

His mother would have to agree to supervise visits and overnight stays. Plus, there really is nothing to stop her from letting him take them to his place. If she does and you want to fight it, it will cost you money for a lawyer and court fees. You can ask the court to have him pay them but some judges will do that, some will not.

The courts always lean towards keep both parents in a child's life because children suffer when one parent basically abandons them. Believe me, you do not want to deal with the problems this sort of thing causes.

A few years after divorcing my son's father I married a man who had 100% of his two children. My son was 10 and his children were daughter 10 and son 12. Their mother had abandoned them 2 or so years before that. She was also using drugs and living with an alcoholic. Because of this their father got 100% custody but their mother had some visitation time for Christmas and in the summer. Though visitation was supervised until she could pass a drug test.

Between the Christmas and summer visits she could not even call them for months at a time... I mean like 6 months. At first my step children blamed themselves for her walking out on them. They thought that they were horrible, bad kids and therefore it was their fault that she left. We had them on counseling for a long time. We kept telling them that their mother loved them in her own way. But she had problems and could not take care of them. Their mother did end up in a psychiatric ward a few times over the years. I don't know why exactly except that she would become unresponsive for weeks at a time. So there was/is something really wrong with her mental health.

My stepchildren had a very hard time. There was a period of a couple of years that I would stay with my stepdaughter at night because she was suicidal. I'd hold her at night until she fell asleep. After that, my stepdaughter started self harming and did this until the summer before her sophomore year in high school. That summer she visited her mother and then refused to return to our home. So she did her sophomore year of high school where her mother lives. While living at her mother's home, she slept on the couch and on the floor (I kid you not). At the end of that school year she had a huge fight with her mother. She told her mother off for all the crap her mother visited on her and her bother. And then my stepdaughter returned back to live with us.

But my stepdaughter was still struggling. She turned to drugs and all went down hill until she was about 23. At that point she checked herself into a rehab for a year. She's 30 now and has been off the drugs for a long time and has held down a job for years. She was able to do some college over all these years and is now talking about completing her degree, probably in accounting.

I won't go into what my stepson went through. The one story is enough I think.

Basically my stepchildren suffered horribly because they mostly lost their mother and she played games with their heads. But through all of that both of my stepchildren held on to a very strong love for their mother and blamed themselves. They struggled horribly with the emotional impact growing up.

Their mother is now ill and not doing well. She does have a job but is off sick a lot. My stepdaughter has lived with her mother for the last 5 years taking care of her. It blows my mind. But I think it's something that my stepdaughter had to do to settle her feeling about her mother. Now at 30, my stepdaughter has a wonderful boyfriend, is buying her own house and moving out of the apartment she's shared with her mother. I think my stepdaughter needed this time with her mother to find peace with being abandoned. What she has shown is that she is a much better person than her mother.. much stronger and much more capable to love and care for those she loves.

I can assure you that you do not want your children to go through this sort of hell. You might be angry at their father and me probably deserves your anger. You might believe that they are not safe with him, and he probably deserves the way you feel about this. But he is the father of your children and they love him. They need him in their life as much as they need you in their lives. In this divorce, you need to focus on finding a safe way for them to have their father in their lives. I just hope he wakes up and starts putting them first.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your attorney about all this? What does he/she say?
> 
> His mother would have to agree to supervise visits and overnight stays. Plus, there really is nothing to stop her from letting him take them to his place. If she does and you want to fight it, it will cost you money for a lawyer and court fees. You can ask the court to have him pay them but some judges will do that, some will not.
> 
> ...


thank you for your kind words. Especially for helping me see the other side of it. My biggest thing really is my children and helping them turn out to be the best people they can be. that’s part of why I left. I didnt want us around that anymore. 
I just want to make sure if he is around them he is sober. I want him to be sober. I want them to have a great relationship with their dad and I haven’t spoken negatively about their dad.
I did about a conversation with my son, guided by my therapist, about why we left and what our goals were. I didn’t say anything bad. Just said daddy was struggling but he was working really hard on it. 
my ex now texts me last night saying he will agree to a separation instead of divorcing as long as we are in couples therapy as well as individual. I plan to continue to live apart. Continue with child support, visitation for the kids done at this parents. Selling the home and all. Working on it from a distance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> thank you for your kind words. Especially for helping me see the other side of it. My biggest thing really is my children and helping them turn out to be the best people they can be. that’s part of why I left. I didnt want us around that anymore.
> 
> 
> I just want to make sure if he is around them he is sober. I want him to be sober. I want them to have a great relationship with their dad and I haven’t spoken negatively about their dad.
> ...


Your plans sound like a good approach.

Except, why are you going to sell the house at this time? keeping the house right now would provide stability for your children. Your husband could move out and let you and the children move back in.


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