# Need Advice please



## smith316 (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi, this is kind of long, but wanted to give some background.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years, when we met our first date he took me to a party where I didn't know anyone and left me with in the livingroom while he went in the kitchen and drank with his friends. After that we started dating regularly but we always went somewhere with his friends and drinking. He moved in and we got rid of his friends. One night he wanted to take one of his drunk friends home and wanted to take my car, I really didn't want to be left with no ride so I told him to take his truck, he got mad and didn't come back, I found out from one of his friends that he went with the drunk friend and took a girl to a high school prom, the friend took me and showed me his truck parked in the parking lot, we broke up over this and he moved out. We got back together and talked about marriage, we went to a jewelry store picked out rings and put them on layaway, I had to pay for it he hadn't gotten his paycheck yet, that should have been a sign for me, when the first payment came due I had to pay it, then he said he just wasn't ready to get married so I exchanged the rings for a necklace and paid it out. About 6 months later he took me to a pawn shop and told me to pick out rings, I did, he paid for them and we got married. We didn't have a lot of physical contact out of the bedroom, when we watched tv he sat on one end of the couch I sat on the other end, in public we didn't hold hands or touch each other in any way, in bed I slept on my side and he slept on his side, everything else in the bedroom was good. I was just happy to be with him, when I met him I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage with a drug addict.
After we had kids he started calling me dumb and stupid and putting me down, most times in front of the kids, we also had foster kids. We argued so much that I was afraid that the foster kids would tell their social workers and they would pull foster and our kids. I wasn't allowed to work or go to school, I was in the house with kids all day every day, we didn't have friends or go out anywhere except to eat. I was miserable and one argument was so bad, I was just tired of it all and told him to get his things and get out. He did, but I called him to come back because I realized that I didn't have a job or any experience so that I could take care of myself, our kids and the foster kids. I used to cry myself to sleep every night and pray for a sign that we were supposed to work things out and stay together. 
Then I got pregnant with our youngest child and took that as a sign that we were supposed to be together. Things got better while I was pregnant and he acted like he cared, the arguing and name calling stopped. But about 6 months after she was born it started up again. We decided to move to another state (1200 miles away from where we lived and grew up), I thought maybe a fresh start would be good. We decided that I could get a job and start making friends and so I thought this move would be good. We moved and I got a job but had to quit because my schedule didn't work with his schedule, the daycare and school. He started calling me dumb and stupid again and we started arguing again. I still didn't have friends to talk to and was at home all day every day. 
He had a friend at work, we started going places with his friend and friends wife (they also had a 20 year old daughter and 13 year old son). We went camping with the friend and his wife, they had a camper, the 20 year old daughter (had a boyfriend and didn't live at home) was also there with her camper but boyfriend didn't come, we had a tent and it was 20 degrees outside at night. The kids were fishing, the friend and wife went to bed, the 20 year old daughter went to her camper, our kids and the 13 year old boy were fishing in the lake so my husband was going to stay with them while I went to lay down with our baby girl so she wouldn't be cold. I heard a lot of bumping and camper doors closing and was going to go see but didn't want the baby to get cold. When our kids and my hubby finally came to the tent around 3 am my oldest daughter asked her dad where he went and why he was gone for a while, my hubby didn't answer, he ignored her, she kept asking so finally he told her he moved his chair on down the shore to a different spot and told her to go to bed and don't wake me and the baby. The next morning the 20 year old daughter was suddenly sick and had to go home, my daughter asked my hubby again about where he was at and he told her again that he had moved his chair down the shore. I let it go and didn't think much about it then. We kept arguing and it got worse, my hubby's mom came to visit and she was being mean to me trying to make me decide to move back to our home state and I told her what I thought. She caught my hubby when he came home and told him a lot of bs, she told him that I told her to get her stuff and get out, but what I told her was for her to pack her stuff and we would take her back home over the weekend. My husband didn't give me a chance to tell him what I really said or what happened he came running over and told me I could pack my stuff and get out, we got into a huge argument, I tried to leave and he wouldn't let me take the kids so I stayed. Later I decided that I was done arguing and that a lot was missing from our marriage, I wanted someone to show they cared about me and I didn't want to argue all of the time. I got a good job, told hubby that I wanted to move out and separate for a while and started looking for a place for me and kids. It was hard to find a place but finally found one, then hubby started making me feel guilty. I also started thinking that he may have got together that night camping with the 20 year old girl. We talked he swore that he didn't touch that girl and he didn't have anything to do with her, I told him that I wanted to be with someone who showed me they cared, I wanted physical contact out of the bedroom, I wanted to hold hands, cuddle on the couch watching tv, I wanted to feel special and didn't want to argue anymore. This was right before Christmas so I agreed to stay until after Christmas. He got me new wedding rings for Christmas because mine got too little when I was pregnant with our last child, and he started holding my hand, he would come up behind me while I was cooking and hug me, pat me on the bottom and I would sit next to him while watching tv and it was great but this only lasted for about a month. 
Now he doesn't hold hands with me, I try and he will hold my hand for just a few minutes, I still try to sit beside him on the couch, he doesn't come in the kitchen or anywhere and hug me, he is on his phone most of the time, I try to go up and hug him and he will either do a side step away from me or push me back, we were having sex every night, then it was every other night, then he complained that it was too often so now it is back to maybe on the weekends.
For Valentines I wanted to do the 5 senses gifts and some other things to make it special so I baked him a chocolate chip cookie cake and put the cookie cake, a box of chocolates and a card in his car seat so he would get it when he went to work, he sent me flowers to my job, I had other presents for him, we went out to eat, the waitress for some reason asked if we wanted separate checks, when we got home he opened his other presents, smell- his favorite cologne, taste- Hershey kisses, sound- a blue tooth speaker to listen to his music, sight- him some silky underware and me a black lingerie, touch was flavored massage oil, I thought it would be fun, he put the stuff back in the bags and said he didn't need any persuasion that he was happy, I also had one last gift (his wedding ring split in the back and he was wearing it on his middle finger) I made chocolate covered strawberries, put them in a wine glass and put the box with the wedding ring on top. We went out to eat over the weekend after Valentines and I noticed he didn't have his new ring on and said asked why not, he said that he didn't want to wear it to work and he forgot to put it on. It has been a week since Valentines and the new ring is still sitting in the box but he wears the old one on his middle finger all of the time even to work. 
This is a typical day for me I get up at 5:45, get dressed, do my makeup and hair, get the kids up, get the kids breakfast, get the kids dressed, finish getting me ready, get my lunch and stuff ready to go, get the kids stuff ready to go, take older kids to school (we don't have a bus), drive 25 minutes to take little one to daycare, drive 25 minutes to work, work until 5pm (I am a phlebotomist, some days I am very busy and some days not busy and that make me sleepy and tired to just sit there), drive 25 minutes to pick up little one at daycare, drive 25 minutes home, it is around 6pm when I get home, make dinner, by the time we eat it is 7:30 or 8, when I sit down to watch tv and relax I fall asleep on the couch, on the weekends I do house work, laundry and things to get ready for the week. I feel rushed all of the time, no time for kids or myself and also tired all of the time. I love to do crafts but just don't have the time or energy to do them anymore. I used to have a home daycare and wasn't as tired and also had more time to do house work and time for my kids. I want to go back to daycare but don't think hubby will let me do that because I have insurance for everybody now through my job. 
What would you do? Would you stay with the phlebotomy job just to have insurance? Would you open your daycare back again to have time with kids and not be so rushed and tired? Would you stay with hubby and try to work it out? I love him but want him to show that he loves me too. I just don't know what to do anymore and just tired of trying to figure it all out. I just want to be happy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I feel sorry for you. I think you care, and want to love and be loved.

Your husband certainly does not love you. You think you aren't worth more than this horrible man.

I think you have stayed with him because you have been afraid to live without a man in your life. 

I think you should divorce him, and do not try to find a replacement. You do not need a man in your life to be whole.

Be well, somehow.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

We all want to feel loved but love just happens. You knew from the very beginning that things were not right but I guess you thought they would change and they never did and they never will. It is really hard to be by ourselves. It is really hard to make de decision to live on our own, specially when there are kids in the middle. 
I think you should make a list of the good and the bad and see which weighs more. I know you wrote a lot on the email but we do not know the whole story. You know it. So be honest when you make this list and make a decision. 
Based on what you wrote I think that you would be better byyourself. He may have raped that young girl? If he were to just be with her with his whole family around what could you expect when you are not around. Either scenario sound bad. These would be huge red flaggs. Again, I do not know the whole story. 
Best of luck


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

That is a really tough situation. Do what you need to do to be as independent as you can so that you are not dependent on your husband. Once you are no longer so scared about how you could survive without him, you will be able to make some harder choices. You may decide to stay because you WANT to, not because you need to. Or you may decide to leave. I vote the job with insurance and maybe find a way to take classes or something to move up there so you can earn more. Save as much money as you can. Build a support system of friends. Once you feel like you can do this on your own and not have to call him back, you will be in a better place to make decisions about the future if your marriage.

ETA: your days are very busy. Can your husband do any of the childcare/school/dinner stuff? Even once a week would give you a break. Or do your kids have friends you can start a car pool with? Are the older kids old enough to cook or do more around the house? Childcare that is less out of the way? It might be worthwhile to start making changes in case you do leave.


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