# Long story...hoping for a little help



## jnape (Jul 24, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have had normal adjustments to living together I think. Cleaning, learning quirks, and etc. We found out we are pregnant in Feb, due in Nov, we both wanted a child. Since then our fighting has increased. I'll try to break the arguements down to sides to explain.

My side: He stays out all the time, makes promises he doesn't keep because he doesnt want to, he doesn't help me around the house (the kitchen and yard are his only duties, the yard he pays kids to do and the kitchen he thinks that if it doesnt fit in the dishwasher it doesnt need to be cleaned), he is inconsiderate about calling when he will be late (or any other time), i feel like the only thing he comes home for is sex, he doesn't invite me to go out with him, when i really want to do something I like he makes me feel like crap, i have a time limit on how long i get to see him and when, but no one else in his life does, and when i finally get to spend time with him he tells me that unless I have a plan that he is going to do something else.

His side(what i think): I want him home every minute of every day, i won't let him spend time with his friends, he is the only one that cleans, i'm lazy and don't do anything but sit in front of the tv, he thinks that being married gives him a "right" to sex, i never give him his space, and i lie to him all the time.

That's mostly the problems we have. The only thing I haven't told my husband about is me going to the chapel to get some counseling. He already knew that I was going to mental health and didn't show any interest in my progress, so I kept this to myself.

He told me yesterday that he doesnt want a divorce but it is ineviditable that him and I will. He says that things need to change, but he tells me he will never change.

I'm very lost and confused with my next step. I've suggested counseling together and individually, but he doesn't want other people telling him how to live his life (yet he is in the military, go figure).

Any insight, suggestions, help, anything...please.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jnape said:


> My side: He stays out all the time, makes promises he doesn't keep because he doesnt want to, he doesn't help me around the house (the kitchen and yard are his only duties, the yard he pays kids to do and the kitchen he thinks that if it doesnt fit in the dishwasher it doesnt need to be cleaned), he is inconsiderate about calling when he will be late (or any other time), i feel like the only thing he comes home for is sex, he doesn't invite me to go out with him, when i really want to do something I like he makes me feel like crap, i have a time limit on how long i get to see him and when, but no one else in his life does, and when i finally get to spend time with him he tells me that unless I have a plan that he is going to do something else.


 Sounds like he has the attitude it is his way or the highway at this point. It is hard to reach someone of this mindset. 

A little too late now, but was his behavoir similar before you married? >>> never keeping his promises, wanting his "own time" with his friends, etc. Always a good indication he won't make such a caring husband or father, if so. 

If this is all new behavior, maybe his friends are having some kind of bad influence on him, is this possible?


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## jnape (Jul 24, 2010)

He wasn't like this before we married and he isn't cheating. He mentioned once that "he was trying to get it all out of his system before our son came".


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

"Trying to get it all out of his system" and "will never change" are completely contradictory statements. Which is it? 

It sounds like you are unwilling to continue in the same way, so you need to tell him that. Does he want to be a weekend dad? That's what this is adding up to. But he cannot pretend to change b/c you won't let him. You have to be ready to back up whatever you decide, so think about it before you say or do anything. Maybe a separation now is what you both need--he may not be taking you seriously. Refusal to go to counseling is both unacceptable and a pretty clear "I don't care enough to work on things" message, so take him at his word-if you are ready-and insist he move out. You can decide later what you want after seeing what it is like alone--I love it, but I'm not expecting a baby, either. Good luck, and consider all your options.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

jnape said:


> He mentioned once that "he was trying to get it all out of his system before our son came".


That was his admission that he knows how wrong he is. And he makes a faint promise he will stop and suddenly become committed after the baby arrives. Yeah, right. I hope you know that was just to shut you up for the time being. Between now and November is a long time for him to do as he pleases before the baby arrives and the nagging begins again because....he already told you he is not going to change.

You ever heard the term "unevenly yoked?" That's what you and your husband are. Frankly, a lot of people are unevenly yoked, but it takes love and commitment to overcome it. It doesn't sound like your husband has either one of those. It actually sounds like he got married in order to get regular sex. That is not uncommon either because that's all marriage is to some men, and wifey is just a nag to expect for more.

Unevenly yoked means two entirely different people got married to each other. Two people who are not alike, do not share the same goals and desires, and who do not meet each other's emotional needs got married for all the wrong reasons - whatever on earth those reasons were. It is extremely difficult for me to believe he showered you with love, attention, and time before you were married. Maybe you didn't live together before marriage, so you didn't notice and assumed the time apart was simply being part of the fact that you didn't live in the residence. But, if you did live together before marriage, surely he acted the same way. Perhaps it wasn't a problem then because you didn't say anything. Now that you are married and speaking up about your expectations, you realize the real person he is because his answers and responses are unsatisfactory and make you feel unloved. And he certainly did NOT suddenly begin these behaviors after you became pregnant. So there is much you ignored, and now you're pregnant and probably more emotionally needy than you were before. You have every reason to feel the way you do. You just did not notice or ignored the fact that he cannot be the person you need him to be.

He refused counseling and told you he is not going to change. Now, it is up to you to set some standards in your life. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and stick to that. You will have to decide if this is what you want, if this relationship is the way you want to live. When you find the answers to both of those is a resounding no, what to do is up to you. Will you do as most women do and sit there sulking "boohoo he doesn't love me", and putting up with his disrespect and inconsideration year in and year out? Or, will you be strong in mind and resolve to leave in search of a better life for yourself and your son? Those are your options when you are with a man who refuses to change or get help.


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