# Enjoying intimacy in peri/menopause



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Looking for suggestions/advice about having great sex in menopause. I'm not through it yet, but definitely starting. 

Dh and I are active 3 times a week (average). Sometimes I feel great, sometimes not so much, but I still love the connection.

A few of my friends/ relatives that went through menopause said they never wanted to have sex again afterwards.

I DO NOT want that to be my experience. That sounds terrible.

Any advice on getting in the mood after hormones change? 

I don't need it yet, but I heard people take testostorne cream ( I think that's what they said)

Just looking to tips from women who have been there and still have an active love life.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

I noticed a lessening of interest for sure. Things that help are: DHEA cream, reading sexy books, lube, doing dates and activities together and giving/receiving small gifts to keep romance alive, healthy habits so I am feeling my best, mindfulness meditation, and, honestly, wine and occasional cannabis


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Just wanted to chime in to say I am in the same position and would also like to hear what other women have to say about this. I'm 47, starting perimenopause. My bf and I are sexually active 2-3 times a week and I'd like to keep that! However I've noticed that sometimes PnV sex feels great and sometimes it's kind of painful. Sometimes lube fixes that, sometimes not. Obviously talking to my Dr is the first step, but yeah, if any women here have advice that would be awesome.

One thing I've learned myself is that what feels good and what doesn't changes day to day, and communication is key. Luckily bf and I both are comfortable talking about sex!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I had a full hysterectomy in my mid 40's and immediately went on to hrt patches. I was in the perimenopause at the time.
I was a single mum then so no sex but 4 years later I married again and I have had no issues with sex. I am still on about 1/4 the strength of the hrt and hope to stay on it for good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Looking for suggestions/advice about having great sex in menopause. I'm not through it yet, but definitely starting.
> 
> Dh and I are active 3 times a week (average). Sometimes I feel great, sometimes not so much, but I still love the connection.
> 
> ...


Red wine. Or white, or even tequila!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm 47 and have been in perimenopause for a few years.

I have my down days but I'm still quite interested. I run and cycle a lot and that helps with a lot of things, so up the exercise. It helps with symptoms, keeps you in shape, and helps you feel good about yourself.

I also find it helpful if I just take time to think about it. The brain is our biggest sex organ


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Angie?or… said:


> I noticed a lessening of interest for sure. Things that help are: DHEA cream, reading sexy books, lube, doing dates and activities together and giving/receiving small gifts to keep romance alive, healthy habits so I am feeling my best, mindfulness meditation, and, honestly, wine and occasional cannabis


Lube is ESSENTIAL. 
both for the woman and man, you have to EMBRACE THE LUBE


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Not a woman but I find my wife sometimes grabbing for the Astroglide now. She is late 40s.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Hormone replacement therapy. It's been demonized by many (knee jerk reaction is "cancer!"... when that's not necessarily true), but the latest studies show that the negative health consequences you experience with menopause (increase risk of heart disease, osteoporosis, etc) outweigh the possible negative side effects from HRT. Not for everyone, but worth exploring.

My wife, an MD, and I talked a bit about this in a podcast episode or two (the Dad Starting Over podcast)... and will talk about it more at length in a future episode.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey @snowbum , I’m almost 60yo and been in the other side of menopause for quite a while now. We’re still happily active and here’s my word of advice: it is different. That’s all. 

When I was in my 40’s I felt horny like an itch! Now, it’s not an itch, but rather a pleasant choice. I am somewhat drier, but I was a soaker before so now I’m closer to normal—but I would say expect to be drier than you were. Other than that, I second what @lifeistooshort said—stay in shape. Doesn’t have to be crazy (I just walk and walk), but staying active makes your body operate better. I’d also say keep an open mind and communicate. Things come up and change and the idea isn’t to be a 20yo—it’s to adapt and consider new pleasures.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> Lube is ESSENTIAL.
> both for the woman and man, you have to EMBRACE THE LUBE


Not everyone needs lube all of the time.

My wife (51½) went through having hot flashes for a few months, plus sleep disruption for a year. Also for a bit over a month she went through not being able to self lubricate very much at all (which saw us use made for purpose lube). While she also hasn't experienced a period for over a year now.

Yet her desire for sex hasn't waned at all. Although there was a blip of her having trouble reaching orgasm or not reaching orgasm, for about a month as well. Plus she has also said that after that blip passed, she now experiences more orgasms that occur one after the other with much more frequently, whereas before she was more often a one and done person.

While for a good while now as well, she is back to heavily self lubricating naturally like she used to (it is not unheard of for some women to still get wet after menopause). To the point that she's simply always wet down there (it even still often drips out of her while she's just standing around doing nothing arousing at all), like she always used to be through all the time that I've been with her. Except for the before mentioned month, and for a few weeks just after she gave birth to our children.

My wife also isn't on any medication for any reason at all and she is physically active (though she isn't a gym person, she just walks a lot), and as always is still within her ideal healthy weight range.

Plus her latest annual tests that have recently been done to check her thyroid levels and for cancer following having breast cancer and having had half her thyroid removed, are all terrific.

Her most difficult experience of peri-menopause stuff, was disrupted sleep and having hot flashes at night which felt worse than during the day. She's also done bowel cancer screening (all good), plus everything else, her heart, teeth etc are all terrific as well.

Of course as she ages that will change, yet that's life and that's okay.



snowbum said:


> A few of my friends/ relatives that went through menopause said they never wanted to have sex again afterwards.
> 
> I DO NOT want that to be my experience. That sounds terrible.
> 
> Any advice on getting in the mood after hormones change?


You know what, if you end up feeling like you never want to have sex again. That isn't wrong or anything, I mean that happens to lots of women naturally as something they can't help. So if that happens don't beat yourself up over it. Yet it also may not happen since there are also lots of women who still desire sex after menopause as well. Whatever comes is okay, that's just what happens in life.

As to getting in the mood, my wife doesn't know. She says she just still desires sex it's not something she has to will herself into, it's just something she already feels. Of which she was all over me this morning as soon as she woke up, kissing me all over my body for ages, which led to more. Afterwards she asked me if I was surprised because she was surprised she did that, yet she just felt this strong desire to do that.

Share your experiences with your husband (since there is no way he is static either), and embrace the changes and enjoy the journey whatever it may bring.

Anyway whatever happens, good, bad, or somewhat middling, please be okay with yourself and embrace who you are as you are.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

All good advice. Where you can hit the wall is when you have an actual physical complication of some type which is very common according to my GYN.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm 42 and feeling different for quite a while now. Some days I want sex, some days I don't. It depends on my cycle. I know I need lube when I'm closer to my period. I use silicone based lubricant. Water based is not enough for me and coconut oil smells bad to me. 

Everyone is different so who knows how you'll feel after menopause. Why are you worrying now? You have a lot on your plate. Maybe you should prioritize your needs at this moment and tackle the menopause subject once you get closer to it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

snowbum said:


> A few of my friends/ relatives that went through menopause said they never wanted to have sex again afterwards.
> 
> I DO NOT want that to be my experience. That sounds terrible.
> 
> Any advice on getting in the mood after hormones change?


It’s cool that you want to be proactive and acquire information, but my understanding is experiences vary with the individual, and even over time for the same individual.

THC, or THC+CBD, has been the ONLY thing to affect my wife’s libido positively — as in zero desire becomes non-zero. Via edibles. Some variety in particular (Satvia, iirc) , and not the others she has tried. There is a thread here about weed-lube, and some report very positive experiences with that too.

Alcohol has not had that effect. Only has numbed her.

If dryness becomes an issue, it may be especially important to use lube that has a pH appropriate to keep the area in balance, in order to avoid yeast infections. There are just two brands I’m aware of marketed specifically for that, and lots of articles backing their use, problem solved.

If, and that’s a big if, things change for you, ime it can mean a great deal to a partner to see that his wife cares to try to find solutions together, turning towards each other rather than away. Seems you’ve got that part covered, naturally, and you should take comfort in that, imho.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wife had hysterectomy 10 yrs ago at ~43. Said it was best thing she ever did, besides me. She was prescribed estradiol (dissolves under tongue) and bio-identical testosterone and progesterone creams. Life has been wonderful. No pain, no period, no mood swings. Sex at least 5x week. Life is great!

Had she did that and did not want to correct the issue and chose no sex... Divorce would be inevitable.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> Lube is ESSENTIAL.
> both for the woman and man, you have to EMBRACE THE LUBE


Wife has NO need for lube. She is GTG in that area. But she takes her HRT like clockwork.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry, man thread jack here. I look at peri/menopause as like the greatest thing ever- almost like a crown 👑 of glory for a Catholic marriage. My wife and I were true to our calling to be open to life but also routinely had to abstain from intercourse during many “fertile” days over the past three decades. So now with ten kids and fertility issues behind us (my wife had our last child at age 48) we get to actually do it whenever we feel like it. Yeah… never used contraception so this is like a whole new wonderful world to us. I keep hearing about all this “may need lube” stuff so have some in the nightstand but so far haven’t had to break it out. But oh yeah, I’m ready for whatever this next phase requires. 😉


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Wife has NO need for lube. She is GTG in that area. But she takes her HRT like clockwork.


you are the lucky one. Mine...there is a dryness inside that makes sex hurt a little. a LOT of lubrication fixes that. I assume it is an individual thing, where some older women need lube and others don't. but my comment is more for the ones who SAY they do not need any lube, when they really do. there is an aversion to put anything in there, even lube, and sometimes you have to admit it really is time to start using it.

if sex hurts, even a little, you will find she is wanting it less and less over time. and that is a bad thing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife went off sex completely after menopause. She told me she didn't want to have sex ever again, with anybody.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> you are the lucky one. Mine...there is a dryness inside that makes sex hurt a little. a LOT of lubrication fixes that. I assume it is an individual thing, where some older women need lube and others don't. but my comment is more for the ones who SAY they do not need any lube, when they really do. there is an aversion to put anything in there, even lube, and sometimes you have to admit it really is time to start using it.
> 
> if sex hurts, even a little, you will find she is wanting it less and less over time. and that is a bad thing.


It is not luck ..she is 53 and takes her HRT, all 3 of them, so she has NO issues unless she is dehydrated for some reason.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> but my comment is more for the ones who SAY they do not need any lube, when they really do.


Seriously my wife doesn't need lube and it's not because she says she doesn't yet really does.

I mean she's just always been extremely wet in a slimy kind of way any time of day or night. With it sometimes being a bit thicker and sometimes more runny, yet either way it will often just ooze out of her. So she wears panty liners, to not have it often running down her leg while at work etc.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Sorry, man thread jack here. I look at peri/menopause as like the greatest thing ever- almost like a crown 👑 of glory for a Catholic marriage. My wife and I were true to our calling to be open to life but also routinely had to abstain from intercourse during many “fertile” days over the past three decades. So now with ten kids and fertility issues behind us (my wife had our last child at age 48) we get to actually do it whenever we feel like it. Yeah… never used contraception so this is like a whole new wonderful world to us. I keep hearing about all this “may need lube” stuff so have some in the nightstand but so far haven’t had to break it out. But oh yeah, I’m ready for whatever this next phase requires. 😉


Hey, with 10 kids and your sanity still intact, more frequent and great sex is the cherry on top.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Personal said:


> Seriously my wife doesn't need lube and it's not because she says she doesn't yet really does.
> 
> I mean she's just always been extremely wet in a slimy kind of way any time of day or night. With it sometimes being a bit thicker and sometimes more runny, yet either way it will often just ooze out of her. So she wears panty liners, to not have it often running down her leg while at work etc.


that might be TMI.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is not luck ..she is 53 and takes her HRT, all 3 of them, so she has NO issues unless she is dehydrated for some reason.


Some women are naturally less wet than others, even when young, and some women like the additional slickness of lube even when they have no problems self lubricating. I liked a little lube in the works even in my twenties, and in my forties it's a must. Nothing wrong with that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Not at all


Chaotic said:


> Some women are naturally less wet than others, even when young, and some women like the additional slickness of lube even when they have no problems self lubricating. I liked a little lube in the works even in my twenties, and in my forties it's a must. Nothing wrong with that.


Not at all, especially when under the ceiling fan things tend to dry out faster. Some CBD or alvocado oil does the trick nicely. It is always handy since my wife may look like a greased monkey before we get started any way, since I often give her a full body massage prior to activities.


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