# Emotional affair or what?



## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 21 years. She is GM at a very hip and busy restaurant. We have 2 kids in elementary school. We were together for 14 years before having kids and were both very independent. I'm a musician/composer by trade and I earn a decent living through my publishing deals. She has always been more at ease with men than women because she likes the open/irreverent communication. We moved back to my hometown when our oldest was school age. 1 month later the trouble began.
She was opening the new restaurant and after the 1st week she had to do inventory because business was off the hook. She knew I had a gig early the next morning so she said she would be home about 11 pm. She texted at 11 saying she would be home by midnight. at 2am I texted to see if all was well... no reply. I texted several times and called several times. She works downtown and I was worried. Finally I texted "Please reply!". Nothing. I was contemplating what to do... get the kids out of bed and drive down there? Call police? I was VERY worried.
She showed up at 6:30am - hammered! I called my adult son to come over and be with the kids while she slept it off. I found out she had been at john's all that time. John is one of her managers, so they have reasons to text and call each other.A month later she did the same thing but was out till 7am. I confronted her and she apologized and said she didn't respond because she knew she was already in trouble and just wanted to feel like she was in her 20s again. I let it go. A few days later she called at 6pm and said she had to work late (10pm).
She got home at 11 and went directly to take a shower. I looked at her phone. She went over to his place at 8pm. She was there for 3 hours.
She has met up with him at his place and at other bars several times without telling me. She has deleted a few texts. Finally one morning I told her I thought she was having an affair. She looked me in the eye and said never. She said she had never even kissed another man since we first got together. She swears that they are just friends. She refers to him as her brother from another mother. When I said I couldn't hang with this she said "Okay, I won't see him outside of work". She expressed regret that she wont get to enjoy his friendship and that this made me feel so insecure. I never looked at her texts until that night she came home and took a shower. Now I read them quite a bit and I hate being that person. I know that they still get together sometimes and drink. When we were on vacation he texted that he missed her. Last week he texted, "Thirsty? Come drink with me." She replied "I wish!! Husband had a hard day and wouldn't like it if I went out tonight."
Nothing has really changed between us except that we don't have sex much... once or twice a month. That's not enough!
I've loved this woman like no other and have been faithful for 21 years. I asked her if it was alright if I found myself a sister from another mother to party with and maybe stay out all night sometimes. She said she wouldn't like that... no kidding?! I know she calls or texts him more than any of her other managers and often right after she leaves home for work.
I feel at the very least this is an inappropriate relationship.

I realize that people in the service industry are a little different than most. They become like family and I except this, the music business is the same way, but I don't know what to do. I have a rock in the pit of my stomach almost every day. I'm depressed. Anyone have any ideas? Opinions?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

One of my brothers ran 3 restaurants in Dallas. He's biggest complaints were: 
Boxes of steak and cases of beer walking out the back door. 
Unreliable wait staff
Affairs 

It MIGHT be true that they are just 'drinking buddies' but it would be one of those really unbelievable things. She stayed out all night several nights. You know she didn't drink the entire night. At some point they took a break. 

And that little episode of her running straight to the shower is just about all the proof you need. 

You probably won't find much on texts. They ARE TOGETHER ALL DAY. Don't you wonder what happened to her libido? He doesn't wonder at all. 

You are trying very hard to believe whatever little fantasy she spins. You NEED to believe it. But friend, what you want to believe and the reality of what is going on are nowhere close to each other. Nowhere. 

Want to collect some evidence?


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

Thinking about getting a gps as I will be on the road for a couple of weeks.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

greeneyes blue said:


> Thinking about getting a gps as I will be on the road for a couple of weeks.


VAR in the car will tell you a lot. And gone for a couple of weeks? IMO NO F'ING WAY JOSE!

She needs another job pronto. What's the use of her salary if it will break up the family.

She should only keep a high salary job if you're going to divorce. The separations due to her current job will gauarantee the continuation of the affair. 

Yes she IS having an affair right under your nose.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

greeneyes blue said:


> I never looked at her texts until that night she came home and took a shower. Now I read them quite a bit and I hate being that person. I know that they still get together sometimes and drink. When we were on vacation he texted that he missed her. Last week he texted, "Thirsty? Come drink with me." She replied "I wish!! Husband had a hard day and wouldn't like it if I went out tonight."
> Nothing has really changed between us except that we don't have sex much... once or twice a month. That's not enough!


 Being what type of person? A spouse who is trying to save his marriage? A person who is worried that someone said 11 and came home 6 hours later than scheduled? Nope, don't beat yourself up. 

Oh and put your foot down. She shouldn't be texting ANYTHING personal and badmouthing to anyone especially, IMO, another man while on vacation. 

Time to set some stringent boundaries.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Married women (that want to stay married) do not have sleepovers with other men! And you let it go...not once but multiple times! Is John gay? Ask yourself what is his motivation for spending so much time with your wife and then please seriously reconsider thinking this is an "emotional" affair.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What do you know about the other guy? married? engaged? reputation as a player? 

In my experience drinking buddies are usually guys. They can talk about women, girlfriends, hunting, sports, etc. There are very few reasons to seek out a woman as a drinking partner. Especially if there are only two of them. Open your green eyes.

Have one of your friends drop into this guys work and watch him interact with everyone. Bet your friend will hear some wild stories about this dude. He's a player and your wife is learning the game.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Or what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The GPS is great but I would put a var in the car. Is this other mgr married, girlfriend?

I would not trust her at this point I would be checking up


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There isn, t one thing you have said that doesn't indicate a full on sexual affair. As matter of fact she cant even have sex with you now because that would be cheating on him.

You have to decide now if you are willing to stay with a wife that has commited adultry. 
If she isnt willing to fire her for you you have your answers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you allowed complete access to all of her communications ?

You have to be tough nowbecause she has lied like a dog.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

chapparal said:


> There isn, t one thing you have said that doesn't indicate a full on sexual affair. As matter of fact she cant even have sex with you now because that would be cheating on him.
> 
> You have to decide now if you are willing to stay with a wife that has commited adultry.
> If she isnt willing to fire her for you you have your answers.


You hit the nail right on the head. She's been having sex with him. Take it to the bank.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry, yeah, she's having sex with him.

She is also lying to you like a rug. Gather evidence and confront her (but not till you have proof). If you don't have incontrovertible proof she will just keep talking her way out of it.

Once you have proof let us know, and we can help you with the next steps.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Yeah, this isn't an EA. She's screwing him. I'm so sorry. I know you want to believe otherwise, but your gut is telling you the truth --it's physical. 

Cheater's LIE. That's what they do. They swear on their children's lives, on Bibles, on dead parents. It's disgusting, but they want their fix. They want CAKE (you and the affair partner). 

Read about cake here The Unified Theory of Cake

You're going to need to bust her. Try the GPS (she'll admit she was there, she'll deny screwing him.) VAR or keylogger are better ideas. Check your cell phone bill.

But also consider that right now it is bad enough. She is disrespecting you and your marriage and your family. This is terrible behavior, going out all hours, getting drunk, lying to you. This isn't how MOTHERS behave or wives. You deserve better and tell her you're going to assume it's an affair, and she needs to commit to the marriage and quit that job or you walk. 

You can't nice anyone out of an affair. Tough measures from the start, drawing and enforcing boundaries are what works. I'm so sorry, because it sucks epically.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Polygraph time when you get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, yeah, she's having sex with him.
> 
> She is also lying to you like a rug. Gather evidence and confront her (but not till you have proof). If you don't have incontrovertible proof she will just keep talking her way out of it.
> 
> Once you have proof let us know, and we can help you with the next steps.


She spent the night with him several times. He doesn't need more proof.

He needs her to fire John or quit

Demand a polygraph now

or he gets a divorce attorney.

And read MMSL now, don't wait for the book, download it. That you didn't go ballistic on her right off the bat made you look weak and undesreving odf her in her eyes. God knows what they are saying about you behund your back.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, how does John act around you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

chapparal said:


> She spent the night with him several times. He doesn't need more proof.


I agree, but I don't think he is convinced of what she is doing yet. The proof is for him so she doesn't talk her way out of it again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugex...pw.r_qf.&fp=558a70115f950776&biw=1680&bih=881

Other posters have said there are kits available at some drug stores, check the link


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks for the link. John acts real friendly. I didn't go ballistic right away because I have a very nasty temper. I don't want to go to jail for beating him till his ears bleed. I was planning on having a "talk" with him but on second thought decided I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hurting him. I fought a lot as a kid growing up in a very rough neighborhood. I boxed for years and studied martial arts extensively. I'm afraid of what I might do. I want to be a grown man about this - not a boy. Think I'll check out one of those kits though. Thanks all!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good luck and prayers for your family. Keep us updated if possible and we are all hoping for the best.

One question, does your wife drink a lot? 

Also, GNO's have bee shown to be kryptonite for marriages.


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

No she doesn't drink too much... a couple glasses of wine and a couple beers a week. I'll post when I get back off the road.


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

BTW Whats a GNO?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

greeneyes

Listen to the collective.

Your wife wants to be 20 again???
She left off the part that she wants to be single too!

But she needs you to babysit and help pay for the kids and house.

If you are going on the road you should do the VAR now beofre you leave.

Or if she is smart she will lay low until you are gone then she will be with him again.

You need to be able to come home a day or two earlier, stay locally.

I am sure she will have an all nighter with him just before you were supposed to return.

Stay tough. Beating his brains out will only make things worse for you.

But nailing them together and exposing them to family friends and coworkers is much more uplifting.

Be strong and safe travels.

HM64


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

Girls night out... got it!


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