# Not sure how we go from here



## TiredinTx

Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9). 

Apologies for the long post but here goes. 
Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.

I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted. 
Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot. 
A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home. 
Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future. 
We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job). 
She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done. 
Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far


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## Beach123

What can you cut out so money isn’t so tight?
Can the kids go without some things they “want”?
You need to sit her down and tell her you are overwhelmed and overworked and you need a partner not a room mate.

Are the kids ok’d enough to work yet? When I was a kid - we always worked to earn money. Our parents never bought use anything - not even clothes. If we wanted something - we earned money and bought it ourself.

Your wife seems spoiled. Stop doing ALL the household stuff! If she doesn’t like the way you do it - she should do it herself! 

Stop spoiling her! She’s ungrateful!


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## jonty30

Keep an eye on her computer use and texting. Too much free time can lead to temptations. You're willingness to work so hard makes you more of a servant and not a husband that she can respect. That's not good for a solid marriage.

One thing you'll find pretty consistent here is the pulling away from the husband means she is giving affection to somebody else. Do you know for certain who the friends are that she is spending time with? I do hope it is nothing like that.

Maybe have a trusted friend drop in on her claimed whereabouts to verify it is just friends. If it can't be verified, than you have to step up to putting a GPS unit and a VAR underneath her seat to gather more information.

One more thing. Don't feel bad about having to verify her activities. If she was still into you, she'd be doing what she could to free up your time so you could spend that free time on her. She may be keeping you busy so you can't check up on her.


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## TJW

TiredinTx said:


> I don’t know how to fix this


You can't. Situations which are beyond your control have moved you two back home. 



TiredinTx said:


> she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad.
> 
> We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.


What an ungrateful shrew !!! Most people don't get even 10 minutes of this. Are you kidding me ? Every woman alive DREAMS of being a SAHM. About 5% (maybe less) of them actually ever get it. Some few more may actually manage it until the ONE child goes to pre-K at 4 years old. 10 years ?? Gimme a break !!!!!!!!

The problem is, your wife is a spoiled little brat. She's not even getting a taste of what the REAL world is like, now. She needs to go be a single mom in a Detroit ghetto apartment for a couple years.

You need to tell her to get off her lazy a$$ and provide FOR HERSELF AND HER CHILDREN whatever kind of life she wants, abroad, or domestic, or if that is an Alpaca farm in Montana. To GET OFF of you. After all, it is HER RESPONSIBILITY to PROVIDE FOR HERSELF AND FOR HER CHILDREN. That you are not going to do it, not now, not ever again. You are DONE. And, you are DONE with carrying all the household responsibilities and the children. You will do HALF. You will provide HALF the money, HALF the time, and you will spend your disposable time doing what the hell you want.


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## Rus47

TiredinTx said:


> Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9).
> 
> Apologies for the long post but here goes.
> Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.
> 
> I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted.
> Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot.
> A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.
> Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future.
> We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
> It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job).
> She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
> I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done.
> Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far


So she is angry. You should be too the way you are being treated! Marriage is a team endeavor, and right now she isnt playing on your team. You put in all of the effort and receive nothing

How to fix it? Stop doing all of the work and tell her she needs to start doing her share. Since you are both working that is only fair.

Maybe you need to downsize the house and other stuff.


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## Diceplayer

Sounds like you have created quite the little princess who has developed a sense of entitlement. When my wife criticizes something I'm doing because she wouldn't do it that way, I just cease doing it. I was fixing breakfast one morning and she started in on how I was opening the package of sausage wrong. I didn't say a word. Just laid everything down, got myself a bowl of cereal and left it with her. She didn't like the parking space I was headed toward so the car goes into park and left running in the middle of the lot as I get out and tell her to park it wherever she wants while I go inside. This kind of behavior is disrespectful. I don't tolerate disrespect and you shouldn't either.

It will be up to you to take charge of your life. You can't fix her, but you sure can change her world by changing you. Get the book, "No More Mr Nice Guy." Put those actions to work and see what happens.


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## Rus47

Diceplayer said:


> Sounds like you have created quite the little princess who has developed a sense of entitlement. When my wife criticizes something I'm doing because she wouldn't do it that way, I just cease doing it. I was fixing breakfast one morning and she started in on how I was opening the package of sausage wrong. I didn't say a word. Just laid everything down, got myself a bowl of cereal and left it with her. She didn't like the parking space I was headed toward so the car goes into park and left running in the middle of the lot as I get out and tell her to park it wherever she wants while I go inside. *This kind of behavior is disrespectful. I don't tolerate disrespect and you shouldn't either.*
> 
> It will be up to you to take charge of your life. You can't fix her, but you sure can change her world by changing you. Get the book, "No More Mr Nice Guy." Put those actions to work and see what happens.


The parking lot thing is beautiful! Would love to hear how that all turned out. We receive the treatment we tolerate.

Thankfully, my wife has never disrespected me by criticizing, though she is a highly "squared away" organized perfectionist in the things SHE does, critical of herself. I have teased her that she would have done well in USMC.


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## TiredinTx

Beach123 said:


> What can you cut out so money isn’t so tight?
> Can the kids go without some things they “want”?
> You need to sit her down and tell her you are overwhelmed and overworked and you need a partner not a room mate.
> 
> Are the kids ok’d enough to work yet? When I was a kid - we always worked to earn money. Our parents never bought use anything - not even clothes. If we wanted something - we earned money and bought it ourself.
> 
> Your wife seems spoiled. Stop doing ALL the household stuff! If she doesn’t like the way you do it - she should do it herself!
> 
> Stop spoiling her! She’s ungrateful!


Thanks for your reply. The funny thing is she spends the money which is the primary reason she has to work. I make enough to cover the bills and the children’s activities.
Both of my older children babysit and save money to do things with friends and buy special clothes or shoes they want rather than need.
I have sat her down and had this discussion several times and she always gets angry and says marriage isn’t a comparison. Not a single thing changes nor does her spending habits.
I do the household things now for my children, not for my wife. My kids have to eat and have clean laundry and the bills paid and go to doctor’s appointments. If I wasn’t doing these things they frankly wouldn’t happen.
I am sure I could cut some activities for the kids but this isn’t their fault.
This is on her as she has checked out because she is angry.


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## TiredinTx

jonty30 said:


> Keep an eye on her computer use and texting. Too much free time can lead to temptations. You're willingness to work so hard makes you more of a servant and not a husband that she can respect. That's not good for a solid marriage.
> 
> One thing you'll find pretty consistent here is the pulling away from the husband means she is giving affection to somebody else. Do you know for certain who the friends are that she is spending time with? I do hope it is nothing like that.
> 
> Maybe have a trusted friend drop in on her claimed whereabouts to verify it is just friends. If it can't be verified, than you have to step up to putting a GPS unit and a VAR underneath her seat to gather more information.
> 
> One more thing. Don't feel bad about having to verify her activities. If she was still into you, she'd be doing what she could to free up your time so you could spend that free time on her. She may be keeping you busy so you can't check up on her.


I am 100% sure it’s not an affair or someone else. I have met these female colleagues and can confirm she is where she is whether it’s work or out and about


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## Rus47

TiredinTx said:


> Thanks for your reply. The funny thing is she spends the money which is the primary reason she has to work. I make enough to cover the bills and the children’s activities.
> Both of my older children babysit and save money to do things with friends and buy special clothes or shoes they want rather than need.
> I have sat her down and had this discussion several times and she always gets angry and says marriage isn’t a comparison. Not a single thing changes nor does her spending habits.
> I do the household things now for my children, not for my wife. My kids have to eat and have clean laundry and the bills paid and go to doctor’s appointments. If I wasn’t doing these things they frankly wouldn’t happen.
> I am sure I could cut some activities for the kids but this isn’t their fault.
> This is on her as she has checked out because she is angry.


How about YOU get angry and straighten her out? You don’t have to take stuff from anyone. Least of all your wife. Take money she spends and hire a housekeeper.


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## D0nnivain

This does sound very entitled on her part. 

If your company moved you back to the US what did she want you to do? Have you asked her how she thinks things can improve? Other than her getting to be a lady of leisure with household help, I don't know what to tell you. Still get her to verbalize her desires & then get her to work on achieving the goals she wants.


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## Rus47

TiredinTx said:


> I am 100% sure it’s not an affair or someone else. I have met these female colleagues and can confirm she is where she is whether it’s work or out and about


Dont recall how your bedroom is. If she is p!stt all time, doubt it is good. Read NMMNG to see that doing all chores and treating a wife like disney princess is formula for disaster. She knows she isnt worthy of being on a pedestal. If you dont get a handle on this, your troubles are only beginning.


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## Young at Heart

TiredinTx said:


> Thanks for your reply. The funny thing is she spends the money which is the primary reason she has to work. I make enough to cover the bills and the children’s activities.
> Both of my older children babysit and save money to do things with friends and buy special clothes or shoes they want rather than need.
> I have sat her down and had this discussion several times and she always gets angry and says marriage isn’t a comparison. Not a single thing changes nor does her spending habits.
> I do the household things now for my children, not for my wife. My kids have to eat and have clean laundry and the bills paid and go to doctor’s appointments. If I wasn’t doing these things they frankly wouldn’t happen.
> I am sure I could cut some activities for the kids but this isn’t their fault.
> This is on her as she has checked out because she is angry.


I am sure you know that Covid and the lifestyle and economic disruptions it has created have put huge numbers of people in very stressful situations. Many are not reacting to the stress well.

Being a teacher during Covid is extremely stressful. Your wife does not sound like she is coping well. Then again, as a business person, you also sound like you are under a lot of stress due to how your life and career have been hit by Covid changes.

Sit down and talk to your W. See if you can discuss what are "temporary" disruptions in your life and what are your shared priorities? She if you have common ground on your priorities?

If you need to, get a marriage counselor to help you sort things out.

Good luck.


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## SunCMars

Why is it you must work for this company of yours?

Can't you find some other employment?

Now is the time, with boomers mass retiring, and nobody seems available to fill vacant positions.


_KB-_


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## She'sStillGotIt

Welcome to the life of most working women.

They're *expected* to do everything you're doing and MORE on a daily basis - day after day, year after year - and no one throws _them _a ticker tape parade. And as you're seeing, it's a thankless job, isn't it? In fact, the more you bust your ass for them, the more they expect it.

I find the outrage here toward _her_ quite amusing because you sure as hell don't see everyone sending a lynch mob when it's a guy letting a working woman do all the work. No sir, you do not.


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## lifeistooshort

TJW said:


> You can't. Situations which are beyond your control have moved you two back home.
> 
> 
> 
> What an ungrateful shrew !!! Most people don't get even 10 minutes of this. Are you kidding me ? Every woman alive DREAMS of being a SAHM. About 5% (maybe less) of them actually ever get it. Some few more may actually manage it until the ONE child goes to pre-K at 4 years old. 10 years ?? Gimme a break !!!!!!!!
> 
> The problem is, your wife is a spoiled little brat. She's not even getting a taste of what the REAL world is like, now. She needs to go be a single mom in a Detroit ghetto apartment for a couple years.
> 
> You need to tell her to get off her lazy a$$ and provide FOR HERSELF AND HER CHILDREN whatever kind of life she wants, abroad, or domestic, or if that is an Alpaca farm in Montana. To GET OFF of you. After all, it is HER RESPONSIBILITY to PROVIDE FOR HERSELF AND FOR HER CHILDREN. That you are not going to do it, not now, not ever again. You are DONE. And, you are DONE with carrying all the household responsibilities and the children. You will do HALF. You will provide HALF the money, HALF the time, and you will spend your disposable time doing what the hell you want.


Ummm...no. I never dreamed of it and hated it when I did it. Be careful with generalizations.

Name calling and insults accomplish nothing. It sounds like they need to restructure their life to manage on his income and that may mean fewer activities or downsizing.

I used to be a teacher. It is extremely stressful and you have to take work home with you. It's one of the reasons half of new teachers leave the profession in the first 5 years. Perhaps she needs to consider another profession.


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## Anastasia6

lifeistooshort said:


> Ummm...no. I never dreamed of it and hated it when I did it. Be careful with generalizations.
> 
> Name calling and insults accomplish nothing. It sounds like they need to restructure their life to manage on his income and that may mean fewer activities or downsizing.
> 
> I used to be a teacher. It is extremely stressful and you have to take work home with you. It's one of the reasons half of new teachers leave the profession in the first 5 years. Perhaps she needs to consider another profession.


I'm a teacher too.. The work is never ending and with Covid you get to see just how thankless the job is... I'm sure the quit rate is higher now. Our district has more openings for instructional position mid year than usual. Last year too. I switched out of BM or I would have quit by now too.


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## Diana7

Trouble is she got used to the high life. Lots of money. Being a SAHM with outside help as well. 

One suggestion to free more money is to downsize. That will decrease the mortgage and also some of the bills. 

If you are both working then household jobs and child care jobs should be shared. 
Can you sit down and agree a list of who does what? Write them all down so you don't forget.


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## Diana7

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to the life of most working women.
> 
> They're *expected* to do everything you're doing and MORE on a daily basis - day after day, year after year - and no one throws _them _a ticker tape parade. And as you're seeing, it's a thankless job, isn't it? In fact, the more you bust your ass for them, the more they expect it.
> 
> I find the outrage here toward _her_ quite amusing because you sure as hell don't see everyone sending a lynch mob when it's a guy letting a working woman do all the work. No sir, you do not.


I am think most here would hope to see both working parents share the jobs.


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## lifeistooshort

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm a teacher too.. The work is never ending and with Covid you get to see just how thankless the job is... I'm sure the quit rate is higher now. Our district has more openings for instructional position mid year than usual. Last year too. I switched out of BM or I would have quit by now too.


I'm an actuary/data scientist now. I make a lot more money and have far less stress.

And I was a single mother at the time and did everything....lots of people do.

These two need lifestyle changes. Teaching is so stressful that if it's not your calling you will be miserable. IMHO.


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## Anastasia6

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm an actuary/data scientist now. I make a lot more money and have far less stress.
> 
> And I was a single mother at the time and did everything....lots of people do.
> 
> These two need lifestyle changes. Teaching is so stressful that if it's not your calling you will be miserable. IMHO.


I agree. It was my calling and after 18 years I still have days that i think about quitting.

She is in her first year. My first year I spent 16-18 hours a day. Depending on where you are it can be hell and with the pandemic who knows.

I think these two need communication. First he says he told her to get a job to make ends meet. Who does the financing? Did she need a full time professional job? or would gig work have worked? Was this a mutual decision or a telling? After 10 years not working it is hard to transition back. 

Second two working parents need two parents to contribute at home but that might be difficult if the job expectations exceed hours in the day. But she could be resentful of how this all took place and is purposefully slacking off.

What amazes me is how many people outside of teaching don't understand the emotional toll teaching can take. I love my kids but they can be very needy then you add the stress of Admin giving you conflicting responsibilities and everything can lead to you being fired or sued.


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## TiredinTx

Anastasia6 said:


> I agree. It was my calling and after 18 years I still have days that i think about quitting.
> 
> She is in her first year. My first year I spent 16-18 hours a day. Depending on where you are it can be hell and with the pandemic who knows.
> 
> I think these two need communication. First he says he told her to get a job to make ends meet. Who does the financing? Did she need a full time professional job? or would gig work have worked? Was this a mutual decision or a telling? After 10 years not working it is hard to transition back.
> 
> Second two working parents need two parents to contribute at home but that might be difficult if the job expectations exceed hours in the day. But she could be resentful of how this all took place and is purposefully slacking off.
> 
> What amazes me is how many people outside of teaching don't understand the emotional toll teaching can take. I love my kids but they can be very needy then you add the stress of Admin giving you conflicting responsibilities and everything can lead to you being fired or sued.


Thank for your reply but your assumptions are a little off. First, let me say that before my current profession I was a teacher for two years. My mother was a teacher as were both of my grandmothers and all of my aunts. I fully understand and appreciate how difficult the profession is and the work it entails.
Secondly, I did not “tell” her to get a job. We are a family and when money became tight we discussed it. She previously taught for 9 years. She went back to work as a substitute and was offered a full time role which she accepted because it was much better pay and a more predictable schedule. I don’t for one second underestimate how difficult her job is and how much she has to give. 
I was simply saying that she is angry that she has had to go back to work and that it’s putting more on me than is sustainable as I also have a full time job. One parent handling the children, the house, the pets, the sports, the bills and a full time job because the other has a job isn’t exactly fair.
You asked about finances. I pay all the bills but I openly discuss our finances with her and we make financial decisions together.


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## lifeistooshort

TiredinTx said:


> Thank for your reply but your assumptions are a little off. First, let me say that before my current profession I was a teacher for two years. My mother was a teacher as were both of my grandmothers and all of my aunts. I fully understand and appreciate how difficult the profession is and the work it entails.
> Secondly, I did not “tell” her to get a job. We are a family and when money became tight we discussed it. She previously taught for 9 years. She went back to work as a substitute and was offered a full time role which she accepted because it was much better pay and a more predictable schedule. I don’t for one second underestimate how difficult her job is and how much she has to give.
> I was simply saying that she is angry that she has had to go back to work and that it’s putting more on me than is sustainable as I also have a full time job. One parent handling the children, the house, the pets, the sports, the bills and a full time job because the other has a job isn’t exactly fair.
> You asked about finances. I pay all the bills but I openly discuss our finances with her and we make financial decisions together.


So have you had a talk with her where you pointed out that the current arrangement doesn't seem to be working for either of you?

What does she teach? What did you teach? Just curious as not all teaching positions are created equal.


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## TiredinTx

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to the life of most working women.
> 
> They're *expected* to do everything you're doing and MORE on a daily basis - day after day, year after year - and no one throws _them _a ticker tape parade. And as you're seeing, it's a thankless job, isn't it? In fact, the more you bust your ass for them, the more they expect it.
> 
> I find the outrage here toward _her_ quite amusing because you sure as hell don't see everyone sending a lynch mob when it's a guy letting a working woman do all the work. No sir, you do not.


I surely don’t expect a parade but I have done more than my fair share in this marriage. I was largely raised by my mom with my dad away at work and then divorced from my mom. I respect women and especially single parents and knowing the difficulties I have worked my ass off for my children and my family. But I am not divorced and my kids and I deserve more than we are getting from my wife.


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## TiredinTx

lifeistooshort said:


> So have you had a talk with her where you pointed out that the current arrangement doesn't seem to be working for either of you?
> 
> What does she teach? What did you teach? Just curious as not all teaching positions are created equal.


We have had several discussions and she simply says she doesn’t know what to do or how to fix things. She wants our old life back and is angry about the situation. She tells me she understands all the things I am doing because she used to do them. I don’t bother to explain that she did them without a full time job, bills and with household help because I don’t want to make it worse.
She teaches Pre—K which I fully understand is exhausting. I taught 9th and 12 grade English


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## Anastasia6

TiredinTx said:


> We have had several discussions and she simply says she doesn’t know what to do or how to fix things. She wants our old life back and is angry about the situation. She tells me she understands all the things I am doing because she used to do them. I don’t bother to explain that she did them without a full time job, bills and with household help because I don’t want to make it worse.
> She teaches Pre—K which I fully understand is exhausting. I taught 9th and 12 grade English


Well Pre-k ups the emotional exhaustion but should reduce after hours work. No grading not a ton of lesson planning.

I’m not sure how you will fix this. You see it as a her problem and some of it certainly is but I don’t see it getting fixed this way.

so what will divorce look like? Would you be able to keep the house on your own? You say you pay all the bills and she only has to work for her money that’s a lot of spending money , I mean depending on where you are that 50-70k just for her spending.

so have you offered to let her quit if she reduces her spending to zero?


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## LATERILUS79

She seems to be getting exceptionally mad for a pandemic that is out of your control. That seems off to me. Certainly she understands that dome years are going to be good and some are bad? Things can't always be nice where you don't have to work and have house help, right?

Did she have to teach? I mean, I get that people say it is a stressful job, but Im not going to have much sympathy here. Lots of jobs are stressful. My job is super stressful. It is what it is. You deal with it because you are an adult. If she can't handle it, can she not do something else?

One thing I can't stand is complaining without offering to find solutions. If she wants to complain but not suggest a new way of doing things, then I don't think you have much to work with.


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## TiredinTx

Anastasia6 said:


> Well Pre-k ups the emotional exhaustion but should reduce after hours work. No grading not a ton of lesson planning.
> 
> I’m not sure how you will fix this. You see it as a her problem and some of it certainly is but I don’t see it getting fixed this way.
> 
> so what will divorce look like? Would you be able to keep the house on your own? You say you pay all the bills and she only has to work for her money that’s a lot of spending money , I mean depending on where you are that 50-70k just for her spending.
> 
> so have you offered to let her quit if she reduces her spending to zero?


I actually see this as an us problem. Marriage involves two people and in the current situation one person is giving considerably more than the other to the marriage and the family. I have a very stressful job handling a business globally but it doesn’t mean I get to stop helping in the house or being a parent. I have supported my family financially on one salary for years both abroad and back in the USA. 
My aim here isn’t divorce. My aim is for her to stop being angry and contribute more to this family. I have offered downsizing our lives, told her she could switch to any profession she liked, or working on ways we could lower our costs. The reality is we will have two children in university in the next 4 years so while my salary could cover our costs if she isn’t working and spends less, it would be beneficial to our family and our children to have additional income to help cover costs like insurance for new drivers, homecoming dresses, and new costs going into college, etc. I don’t think this is an unreasonable thing. She grew up in a house with two working parents


----------



## Anastasia6

TiredinTx said:


> I actually see this as an us problem. Marriage involves two people and in the current situation one person is giving considerably more than the other to the marriage and the family. I have a very stressful job handling a business globally but it doesn’t mean I get to stop helping in the house or being a parent. I have supported my family financially on one salary for years both abroad and back in the USA.
> My aim here isn’t divorce. My aim is for her to stop being angry and contribute more to this family. I have offered downsizing our lives, told her she could switch to any profession she liked, or working on ways we could lower our costs. The reality is we will have two children in university in the next 4 years so while my salary could cover our costs if she isn’t working and spends less, it would be beneficial to our family and our children to have additional income to help cover costs like insurance for new drivers, homecoming dresses, and new costs going into college, etc. I don’t think this is an unreasonable thing. She grew up in a house with two working parents


No I don't think it is unreasonable. But I also don't know that she's going to do it. That's why I ask. What are the alternatives?

Being a stay at home mom changes your life. Both good and bad. In this case however this was approached has lead to resentment. I don't know how to reduce it. But I do know the logical outcome if it isn't reduced. Divorce isn't going to increase the family money either.

So what does she say in these conversations about downsizing lives, or switching professions? She is resentful of the current life but going back isn't an option. Have you tried taking her to dinner and without being acrimonious simply laying out the now. Say I know you are resentful but this is where we are... What is it you want to do. I can't keep going like this...

It sounds like some of the resentment stems from the start of it with her home alone with kids while you worked and didn't contribute to the household which was years ago. Did you two ever resolve that or just let it go?


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## Rob_1

TiredinTx said:


> I actually see this as an us problem. Marriage involves two people and in the current situation one person is giving considerably more than the other to the marriage and the family.


You are correct about marriage involving two people, but when one of the two people is not willing, is resentful, and does not want to accept reality and its responsibilities, then the problem cannot be solved, period. Both of you must be clear in the head that if this continues, eventually the outcome will be the dissolution of the marriage. You must be willing, ready, and prepared for this eventuality. If you don't, then, when it happens don't be caught flat footed and blindsighted. You must communicate this to her in straight, direct manner, one which leaves no room for misunderstanding that you will not continue to put up with her ******** and that you're willing to work on the problem but, also no afraid to pull the cord when and if necessary.


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## BigDaddyNY

TiredinTx said:


> I actually see this as an us problem. Marriage involves two people and in the current situation one person is giving considerably more than the other to the marriage and the family. I have a very stressful job handling a business globally but it doesn’t mean I get to stop helping in the house or being a parent. I have supported my family financially on one salary for years both abroad and back in the USA.
> My aim here isn’t divorce. My aim is for her to stop being angry and contribute more to this family. I have offered downsizing our lives, told her she could switch to any profession she liked, or working on ways we could lower our costs. The reality is we will have two children in university in the next 4 years so while my salary could cover our costs if she isn’t working and spends less, it would be beneficial to our family and our children to have additional income to help cover costs like insurance for new drivers, homecoming dresses, and new costs going into college, etc. I don’t think this is an unreasonable thing. She grew up in a house with two working parents


My wife and I have been through a period of time where we both worked with no kids, then a SAHM period and back to both of us working. BTW, my wife is currently a kindergarten teacher and working in elementary school education for over 10 years. It has made it so we had to change our strategies over time. Mostly we did it by the seat of our pants, but at times we did discuss it and try to share tasks. It was difficult when she first went back to work. I was used to (spoiled actually) her taking care of everything around the house and carting the kids around. Eventually she got fed up with working and still doing all the other things she used to do. She finally told me if I wanted my son or daughter to do this or that I would have to own making it happen. We then came up with a plan that was fair to both of us. There is only so much one person can do and you have to not just speak up, but take action. 

What do you think about sitting down with her and writing down all the major household chores and put some structure around who does them? A couple examples. We have agreed that if one spouse cooks a meal the other cleans up from it. On weekends she cleans the house while I go grocery shopping. She washes the clothes and I was the bedding. How do you think she would react to something like that?


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## Al_Bundy

LATERILUS79 said:


> Did she have to teach? I mean, I get that people say it is a stressful job, but Im not going to have much sympathy here. Lots of jobs are stressful. My job is super stressful. It is what it is. You deal with it because you are an adult. If she can't handle it, can she not do something else?


Right! Always amusing when people complain about jobs that they picked. 

I think this marriage is a case of "Treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan".


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## lifeistooshort

Anastasia6 said:


> No I don't think it is unreasonable. But I also don't know that she's going to do it. That's why I ask. What are the alternatives?
> 
> Being a stay at home mom changes your life. Both good and bad. In this case however this was approached has lead to resentment. I don't know how to reduce it. But I do know the logical outcome if it isn't reduced. Divorce isn't going to increase the family money either.
> 
> So what does she say in these conversations about downsizing lives, or switching professions? She is resentful of the current life but going back isn't an option. Have you tried taking her to dinner and without being acrimonious simply laying out the now. Say I know you are resentful but this is where we are... What is it you want to do. I can't keep going like this...
> 
> It sounds like some of the resentment stems from the start of it with her home alone with kids while you worked and didn't contribute to the household which was years ago. Did you two ever resolve that or just let it go?


I think a lot of people don't understand this....that staying home is a lifestyle that people get used to and lots of people don't want to give up 

I saw this with my parents. My mom simply didn't want to work so even though she did go back to work she was still pissed off. My parents had bigger issues though and were going to divorce anyway, which they eventually did.

This one is tough because if the root issue is that she just doesn't want to work there's not a lot he can do. She may be basically protesting having to work by not doing anything else....it would be childish but I can see it happening.

It's possible that she'll eventually adjust but in the mean time I like your dinner suggestion. I'd also recommend he stop doing everything and involve the kids more in things like meals. And he may just need to cut down on what he's doing and if things don't get done then they don't get done. If they divorce he's still going to work and want dinner.

But if she isn't receptive or doesn't adjust after some more time he should think about whether he wants a partner with this mindset. It will only lead to more resentment for both of them.

If she were here I'd tell her to freaking adult up as no able bodied adult is entitled to be financially supported by another adult, and if they divorce she'll still have to work and her lifestyle will take a big hit.


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## TiredinTx

Anastasia6 said:


> No I don't think it is unreasonable. But I also don't know that she's going to do it. That's why I ask. What are the alternatives?
> 
> Being a stay at home mom changes your life. Both good and bad. In this case however this was approached has lead to resentment. I don't know how to reduce it. But I do know the logical outcome if it isn't reduced. Divorce isn't going to increase the family money either.
> 
> So what does she say in these conversations about downsizing lives, or switching professions? She is resentful of the current life but going back isn't an option. Have you tried taking her to dinner and without being acrimonious simply laying out the now. Say I know you are resentful but this is where we are... What is it you want to do. I can't keep going like this...
> 
> It sounds like some of the resentment stems from the start of it with her home alone with kids while you worked and didn't contribute to the household which was years ago. Did you two ever resolve that or just let it go?


It’s just a constant circle. She has had several other options for jobs and always talks herself out of them because she is on the same schedule with the kids holidays and summers. I have told her we will work out the schedule but she sticks with teaching for now.
I have taken her on date nights and made time to discuss this calmly and without any judgement but her reply is I don’t know how to fix this. She loves our house and our life and doesn’t want the kids to have to give up activities. We have discussions on cutting other costs and then she spends money without a thought. 
I know I am far from perfect and there have been times in this marriage where my work has put more strain on her. I acknowledge this and do everything I can when I am home during these times. But if she is resentful about me working to provide us a better life 12 years ago I am not sure really if there is a solution. I wasn’t out at a bar or having an affair. I was traveling for work to provide for our family so that she could stay home which is what she told me she wanted.


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## lifeistooshort

Al_Bundy said:


> Right! Always amusing when people complain about jobs that they picked.
> 
> I think this marriage is a case of "Treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan".


I used to teach and hated it, so I made a career change to something I like.

The fact that it pays over double is a bonus.


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## TiredinTx

lifeistooshort said:


> I used to teach and hated it, so I made a career change to something I like.
> 
> The fact that it pays over double is a bonus.


She was offered a job paying nearly double what she makes recently. Her teaching salary is already more than enough as a nice supplement but I told her she should consider it if she would be happier. She declined because she wants the summer off which is fine by me but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either accept your job (all of them suck) or switch it. But anger and resentment isn’t helping anyone


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## LATERILUS79

TiredinTx said:


> It’s just a constant circle. She has had several other options for jobs and always talks herself out of them because she is on the same schedule with the kids holidays and summers. I have told her we will work out the schedule but she sticks with teaching for now.
> I have taken her on date nights and made time to discuss this calmly and without any judgement but her reply is I don’t know how to fix this. She loves our house and our life and doesn’t want the kids to have to give up activities. We have discussions on cutting other costs and then she spends money without a thought.
> I know I am far from perfect and there have been times in this marriage where my work has put more strain on her. I acknowledge this and do everything I can when I am home during these times. But if she is resentful about me working to provide us a better life 12 years ago I am not sure really if there is a solution. I wasn’t out at a bar or having an affair. I was traveling for work to provide for our family so that she could stay home which is what she told me she wanted.


Well, this makes her sound even worse.

Again, teaching is stressful, but so are other jobs. 

Now you've let us know that she doesn't do another job in the summer and enjoys summer break with the kids. Does she still do nothing in house upkeep during that time and just enjoys her time with the kids? 

No one is perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect. I don't expect your wife to be perfect. People will falter and make mistakes. It happens. Problem is, it doesn't sound like she is attempting at all to be a team player here. Sounds like she enjoys being miserable while you do all the work where it is required to have a team.


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## gr8ful1

TiredinTx said:


> I know I am far from perfect and there have been times in this marriage where my work has put more strain on her. I acknowledge this and do everything I can when I am home during these times. But if she is resentful about me working to provide us a better life 12 years ago I am not sure really if there is a solution.


If it were me, I’d sit her down and simply state this situation is untenable and we either work this out right now or we start the divorce (or at least separation) process. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.


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## Al_Bundy

If this is headed for divorce then the longer you wait the more you'll pay. Something to think about. If you were to try and "stay for the kids" you could possibly have to support her for decades or even life. She already has the "poor teacher" card she can play in court.


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## In Absentia

Have you considered some marital counselling? I know it's an extra expenditure, but it could help in my opinion.


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## TiredinTx

LATERILUS79 said:


> Well, this makes her sound even worse.
> 
> Again, teaching is stressful, but so are other jobs.
> 
> Now you've let us know that she doesn't do another job in the summer and enjoys summer break with the kids. Does she still do nothing in house upkeep during that time and just enjoys her time with the kids?
> 
> No one is perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect. I don't expect your wife to be perfect. People will falter and make mistakes. It happens. Problem is, it doesn't sound like she is attempting at all to be a team player here. Sounds like she enjoys being miserable while you do all the work where it is required to have a team.


Not trying to paint any picture other than the current reality. She has only started working again this year so we will see what the summer will bring. This situation started once she went back to work in September


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## TiredinTx

In Absentia said:


> Have you considered some marital counselling? I know it's an extra expenditure, but it could help in my opinion.


We have been to marriage counseling twice in our marriage. We have found both times to be a total and complete waste of money and time and we both agreed and worked through the issues. I don’t pretend that normal life is all roses. We have had issues before and worked through them, hence the 16 year marriage


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## TiredinTx

gr8ful1 said:


> If it were me, I’d sit her down and simply state this situation is untenable and we either work this out right now or we start the divorce (or at least separation) process. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.


I have made it clear that this isn’t working! There are personal and financial considerations when it comes to divorce and for me that’s a final option that will only be considered as a last resort. There won’t be a threat of divorce. If it gets to that point then it’s already done. My hope is to find a solution and avoid that if possible


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## TiredinTx

Al_Bundy said:


> If this is headed for divorce then the longer you wait the more you'll pay. Something to think about. If you were to try and "stay for the kids" you could possibly have to support her for decades or even life. She already has the "poor teacher" card she can play in court.


I grew up through an acrimonious divorce. Won’t do that to my kids. She can take what she wants and I will pay if it comes to that. I made this bed and will lay in it for my children’s happiness. I can work and make more money


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## BigDaddyNY

TiredinTx said:


> I grew up through an acrimonious divorce. Won’t do that to my kids. She can take what she wants and I will pay if it comes to that. I made this bed and will lay in it for my children’s happiness. I can work and make more money


I think talk of divorce is very premature. You've only been in this situation a few months. Odds are your wife is still figuring out the routine of her job. My wife is in her first school year in kindergarten and she is still coping with learning the routine. She loves the job, but she is pretty drained at the end of the day. It may get better as your wife settles into her routine. 

I think you need to straight up tell her how you feel, you are overwhelmed and need her help. It is having a serious impact on your marriage. Ideally you would be able to equitably split up the work. If not then tell her what you need her to do then don't do it yourself and don't complain about how she does it.


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## TiredinTx

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think talk of divorce is very premature. You've only been in this situation a few months. Odds are your wife is still figuring out the routine of her job. My wife is in her first school year in kindergarten and she is still coping with learning the routine. She loves the job, but she is pretty drained at the end of the day. It may get better as your wife settles into her routine.
> 
> I think you need to straight up tell her how you feel, you are overwhelmed and need her help. It is having a serious impact on your marriage. Ideally you would be able to equitably split up the work. If not then tell her what you need her to do then don't do it yourself and don't complain about how she does it.


Thanks for your comment. This conversation has been had several times. I will continue to do what is needed for the children and will see how things progress.
As for the marriage and family, will just have to see if it’s a priority for her. I have told her and shown her the impact (even the kids are telling her that they used to have a mom who came to practices and games and helped with homework) but I can’t control someone else. I know she is stressed and working hard but I am feeling the fallout along with the kids. 
And for the record I am not complaining how she does dishes or cleaning, it’s the opposite when I am doing it. She doesn’t like the way I load the dishwasher or load the bed. I could care less and am happy it’s done


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## Livvie

lifeistooshort said:


> I think a lot of people don't understand this....that staying home is a lifestyle that people get used to and lots of people don't want to give up
> 
> I saw this with my parents. My mom simply didn't want to work so even though she did go back to work she was still pissed off. My parents had bigger issues though and were going to divorce anyway, which they eventually did.
> 
> This one is tough because if the root issue is that she just doesn't want to work there's not a lot he can do. She may be basically protesting having to work by not doing anything else....it would be childish but I can see it happening.
> 
> It's possible that she'll eventually adjust but in the mean time I like your dinner suggestion. I'd also recommend he stop doing everything and involve the kids more in things like meals. And he may just need to cut down on what he's doing and if things don't get done then they don't get done. If they divorce he's still going to work and want dinner.
> 
> But if she isn't receptive or doesn't adjust after some more time he should think about whether he wants a partner with this mindset. It will only lead to more resentment for both of them.
> 
> If she were here I'd tell her to freaking adult up as no able bodied adult is entitled to be financially supported by another adult, and if they divorce she'll still have to work and her lifestyle will take a big hit.


This times a million. 

She sounds like an entitled princess. 

I doubt there's much you can do about that and you say you aren't looking to terminate the marriage so basically you are stuck with her princess self. At least she has revealed her core personality to you. Now you know who she is. 

Life changes. You have been a good husband. She lived the high life for a long time. She isn't a person who wants to Iive a normal life. 

Too bad her character isn't one who will deal w that.


----------



## jlg07

TiredinTx said:


> I actually see this as an us problem. Marriage involves two people and in the current situation one person is giving considerably more than the other to the marriage and the family. I have a very stressful job handling a business globally but it doesn’t mean I get to stop helping in the house or being a parent. I have supported my family financially on one salary for years both abroad and back in the USA.
> My aim here isn’t divorce. My aim is for her to stop being angry and contribute more to this family. I have offered downsizing our lives, told her she could switch to any profession she liked, or working on ways we could lower our costs. The reality is we will have two children in university in the next 4 years so while my salary could cover our costs if she isn’t working and spends less, it would be beneficial to our family and our children to have additional income to help cover costs like insurance for new drivers, homecoming dresses, and new costs going into college, etc. I don’t think this is an unreasonable thing. She grew up in a house with two working parents


I think that YOU are doing too much. How about getting your kids to start doing chores. They should be able to ckean the house, do laundry, etc. You aren't helping them if you don't have them do this. 
Make a chart about who will do what, including your wife. 
Look, life throws a ton of roadblocks, but you wife isn't handling this as an adult. She needs to unbearable this isn't your doing. She wants to complain but not do anything to help herself out of that frame of mind.


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## TiredinTx

jlg07 said:


> I think that YOU are doing too much. How about getting your kids to start doing chores. They should be able to ckean the house, do laundry, etc. You aren't helping them if you don't have them do this.
> Make a chart about who will do what, including your wife.
> Look, life throws a ton of roadblocks, but you wife isn't handling this as an adult. She needs to unbearable this isn't your doing. She wants to complain but not do anything to help herself out of that frame of mind.


I have a chore chart and each of my children contributes. They help with meal planning and prep on the weekends and they help fold and put away laundry among other chores in their rooms. Yes, they are lazy like every other kid in the world but without the kids help it wouldn’t even be close to getting done. I also have a full time job


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## lifeistooshort

TiredinTx said:


> She was offered a job paying nearly double what she makes recently. Her teaching salary is already more than enough as a nice supplement but I told her she should consider it if she would be happier. She declined because she wants the summer off which is fine by me but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either accept your job (all of them suck) or switch it. But anger and resentment isn’t helping anyone


IME summers off are overrated.

True I work summers but I have so much less stress during the year that it more then makes up for it.

Amd I still have 4 weeks of vacation, 2 floating holidays, and major holidays off.

Something to consider.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

You are definitely doing way too much, and your wife just puts you down because she doesn't like how you load the dishwasher. Wtf? Have you tried leaving things and just let it all build up? Would she just sit there, or would she get sick of the mess eventually and get off her arse? You and the kids start leaving things, just do the minimum. Cook the 5 minute packets of macaroni cheese, or a quick sandwich she will soon get sick of it. Don't make the bed or change the bedding. Let the kids in on your plan to get their mum involved again. It will be chaos for a while, but when everything is left she should wake up and realise how much you are doing. This isn't fair on you at all. You will make yourself ill or get very run down. I hope she wakes up and realises what a great husband she has. Many would have left by now.


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## Affaircare

TiredinTx said:


> ... My aim here isn’t divorce. *My aim is for her to stop being angry and contribute more to this family.* <clip> I don’t think this is an unreasonable thing. She grew up in a house with two working parents.


@TiredinTx, 

There is a reason that this isn't working, and that is because there are no magic words or actions to make her feel like you want her to feel or make her do what you want her to do. You don't and can't control HER. The only person you can control is YOU...and you are doing way too much. I say that because you are becoming resentful, and if you were doing it from a place of loving volunteering, you wouldn't be resentful. 

So there is nothing you can say or do to "MAKE" her stop being angry. If she is ever going to stop being angry, she would have to choose that. Likewise, there is nothing you can say or do to "MAKE" her contribute more to the family. However, you can control YOU and yourself and your choices and your actions. 

I think it is very reasonable for you to want to share the burden of daily household life...and I suspect the vast majority of folks here on TAM would agree--that is a reasonable request. But here's reality, @TiredinTx -- your wife is not being reasonable right now, and frankly neither are you. It is NOT REASONABLE for you to do all the chores, make all the meals, do all the dishes, clean all the laundry, and get the kids to all appointments and activities. 

So far, when you've spoken with your wife, your approach has been to let her know that what is currrently happening is not acceptable to and indicate that essentially she has to do it your way--see it like you do or feel like you do or do what you do. That is just as unreasonable to her as this current set up is to you! So stop. Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over, but expecting a different result. Accept the fact that she is not going to see it like you do or feel like you do or do what you do, and try something different. 

Here's my thought/suggestion (and my hope is that you'll adapt this in a way that will fit for you and your marriage) [NOTE: for the moment, I will assume that you have your FT job and she has her FT job, and the two jobs are roughly "equal".] Start by making a list of all the chores and things you're doing "beyond work"...all the household stuff that just needs to be done. Then decide for yourself what you ARE WILLING to do. Which ones are you happily and willingly and joyfully ready to accept as yours and keep doing in perpetuity because you like them and they are within your skillset and you feel they are your responsibility to take? Don't take them all. Just pick a reasonable number that you would feel WILLING to do with a happy heart. Then have another of the talks with her, but this time share the list of all the things that need to be done "beyond work" -- and share the roughly half or so that you are WILLING to take on. Just present it like this: Here's EVERYTHING...and here are the ones I am willing to tackle. Factual. Then ask her what she plans to do with the remaining chores because you will no longer be doing them. 

Now, the trick to this is not to present her a list of "here's what I'm not going to do anymore" because that's coming from a place of manipulation and punishment...trying to "MAKE" her do what you want her to do. Nope, this is a wholly different animal. You show her all the stuff that a normal household just needs. You show her the things you are happy and willing to keep doing out of joy and love. And then you say, "So here's what's left that I am no longer willing to do.  How would you like to handle these?" The end. She may say "Well I don't know how to fix this" (which is a stall) so just say "Okay, when you have a plan or an idea, let me know. I've given you options and I've tried to talk to you and none of that has worked, so now I'm giving you freedom to figure this out. You're a smart woman and I have faith in you to come to a healthy conclusion about how you want to handle these things that are family obligations. Let me know when you have a plan."

If she asks for ideas, don't say "you do it" or "stop being angry" or "contribute to the family"...say "Well...let's think outside the box. You have some salary now, would you like to use it to pay for a maid twice a month? Would you like to take our laundry and drop it off at a laundry to be done? Would you like to pay for an Uber to take the kids to their activities? How do you plan to take care of this obligation?" See what I mean? See the difference? It's not telling her what to feel or do, but rather, "I'm no longer doing your responsibilities. You are an adult. Figure it out. I believe in you to make your own choices."


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## jlg07

TiredinTx said:


> I have a chore chart and each of my children contributes. They help with meal planning and prep on the weekends and they help fold and put away laundry among other chores in their rooms. Yes, they are lazy like every other kid in the world but without the kids help it wouldn’t even be close to getting done. I also have a full time job


Is your WIFE on the chart for chores? Great that the kids are doing there part, but SHE needs to be on that list also.


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## Anastasia6

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> You are definitely doing way too much, and your wife just puts you down because she doesn't like how you load the dishwasher. Wtf? Have you tried leaving things and just let it all build up? Would she just sit there, or would she get sick of the mess eventually and get off her arse? You and the kids start leaving things, just do the minimum. Cook the 5 minute packets of macaroni cheese, or a quick sandwich she will soon get sick of it. Don't make the bed or change the bedding. *Let the kids in on your plan to get their mum involved again*. It will be chaos for a while, but when everything is left she should wake up and realise how much you are doing. This isn't fair on you at all. You will make yourself ill or get very run down. I hope she wakes up and realises what a great husband she has. Many would have left by now.


Never and I mean never involve children in ganging up on the other parent.

Unless you just don't care if your marriage lasts.

Long term marriages are us against the world. Not involve the world against one of us. You might even win the battle but you'll lose the war. And what message does this send to the kids?


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## DownByTheRiver

TiredinTx said:


> Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9).
> 
> Apologies for the long post but here goes.
> Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.
> 
> I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted.
> Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot.
> A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.
> Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future.
> We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
> It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job).
> She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
> I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done.
> Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far


You're now in a position a lot of wives have been in over the years. I know that teaching leaves little time for anything except work and preparing course work and sleep. They do get frequent school vacations, but even on those, usually there is at least some time that teachers are required to work or attend a seminar or something. Saturday is probably her only real day off until summer. I have friend who is doing this grind, now without a partner, and things had to change dramatically. Before, she was still cooking not just meals but healthy meals for the family, each with his or her own wants, like one being vegetarian, one not eating certain meat, etc. She didn't use any prepared foods and did everything from scratch. But now she's on her own, and she's having to serve Lean Cuisines. There is no time.

I'll tell you what I would tell the wives who commonly run into this situation, and that is you have to have a sit-down but calm talk with her about the reality of the situation and tell her you know you are both overwhelmed but that there is no easy fix for that, that you have reached your capacity trying to make it as good as it can be but have exceeded your limit and she needs to take over (meals, running the sweeper, whatever) half the days of the week. And tell her the meals are going to have to be quick and easy or store-bought quite a bit of the time. You can have them delivered or one of you pick them up. You can also have groceries delivered. You can also order groceries for "parking lot pickup" everywhere. Commonly, I use Tom Thumb and Target for that. The good thing about Target is there is no minimum for parking lot pickup and they have all the other household stuff you need.

I suggest you both get together on Saturday before going to get nails done and quickly help each other make a large pot of dinner to give you something to eat through the week. Make a huge pot of beans or soup for the kids to microwave after school. Or cook a big pan of lasagna or pot of spaghetti or make a 4 lb pot roast, the key being to make enough for lots of leftovers. Also, you must keep every kind of sandwich meat on hand with plenty of bread, lettuce and whatever else your family likes on sandwiches. Sandwiches and chips are fine for a meal. Don't let your kids start dictating what they want either. You mentioned teens, so if they do that, tell them they better learn to make it themselves. They're old enough.

Breakfast for dinner is fine, too, and it's really quick. Just be sure you have toast, toaster waffles, muffins, cereal, and jelly, syrup and peanut butter on hand in the pantry, as well as canned soups and boxed mac and cheese the kids can fix for themselves.

So summary: Cook a good big pot of something once a week and live the rest of the week off pantry food and take-out. Get groceries via either delivery ($) or parking lot pickup, which is free.

Your wife has to work in some housework. She's sulking right now. That's why you have to have the talk. You can't wave a wand and put it back to how it was. She has to accept reality and it will require her to do her part around the house as well as work. Just like SO many people have to do. Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort

I'm a big fan of understanding what drives people. If she is one who just doesn't want to work it's because she doesn't view financially supporting the family as her job or even partly her job....she views it as yours.

So in her mind she's doing your job. Assuming I'm describing her that is why she's angry.

As bigdaddy said its possible she will adjust so maybe it's best for now to give it more time. But definitely take the advice of many posters here and cut back on what you're doing.

This is the advice we women get as new mothers....that you have to accept that not everything needs to get done or you'll run yourself into the ground. Prioritize what you NEED to do vs what you can live without.

My sons are now grown and I think that is excellent advice.


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## DownByTheRiver

TiredinTx said:


> Thanks for your comment. This conversation has been had several times. I will continue to do what is needed for the children and will see how things progress.
> As for the marriage and family, will just have to see if it’s a priority for her. I have told her and shown her the impact (even the kids are telling her that they used to have a mom who came to practices and games and helped with homework) but I can’t control someone else. I know she is stressed and working hard but I am feeling the fallout along with the kids.
> And for the record I am not complaining how she does dishes or cleaning, it’s the opposite when I am doing it. She doesn’t like the way I load the dishwasher or load the bed. I could care less and am happy it’s done


My feeling is that if she's standing there criticizing the way you make the bed or load the dishwasher, instead of standing there watching, she needs to help out. That is a common problem though, wanting to make the mate do things the exact same way. Any marriage counselor would straighten her out like that. As long as it's getting done well enough. That's something to add to your discussion. If she has time to micromanage you, she has time to do it her way herself.

With you both working, I know you think money is tight, but I bet your combined income is five times what mine is, so you ought to be able to also hire a housekeeper to come in and do the deep cleaning say once every other week if there's no other way.


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## Andy1001

I’ve seen this happen before and it never ended well. I know a few older guys who worked in South Africa during the Apartheid period. These guys were engineers and lived like royalty. They had the house with a pool and a tennis court, new cars every year, numerous household staff and their kids could follow whatever expensive hobbies they wanted to. 
I don’t want to go into too much detail but a white engineer would be earning between thirty and fifty times the average pay of a black person and this was reflected in their lifestyle. 
These guys thought it would never end but it did and when they returned home they could never live that lifestyle whether it was in Europe or the US. Plus a lot of them hadn’t really worked in years other than showing up at the office. There were plenty of locals with as much if not more qualifications to do the work. 
All of the men I know had marriage problems with a lot of divorces. Their wife’s weren’t used to looking after household chores and definitely weren’t prepared to get a job. The men themselves were looking for supervisory positions but they couldn’t get them. Some of them ended up back on the tools to make a living. 
I wonder is this what’s really bugging the op’s wife. She was living the luxury lifestyle with her household staff and all of the bragging rights that go with it. Now she has to work for a living and she can’t accept it. 
The op needs to make his princess aware that he’s drowning here and she either gets with the program or else they’ll be downsizing their house and lifestyle.


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## DownByTheRiver

The sticky sweet song lyric, "I bet your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden" comes to mind.


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## aaarghdub

Living this too as my wife started full-time as a school social worker this year. And I have a lot at home being on-call which means I do most kiddo transport, meal prep, shopping, errands, appointments and house chores. Plus repairs, finances, admin, etc. She comes home exhausted and will complain if things aren’t to her liking. Then we have to do stuff she wants or “we need.” Like me, you now have a her-centric marriage whether she’ll admit it or not. And the parking-thing I can totally relate. It’s a control/anxiety issue our wives need to address themselves. It’s a complete double-standard as they would clearly call you out for being controlling.

While I do have some sympathy, the notion of lop-sided emotional labor on her part may be a little overblown. As much of it, I believe TBH, is self-imposed thru guilt, selfishness or competition with other coworkers, moms and their kids and house and life style. My wife gets ZERO pressure from me on just about everything. It is her own anxiety driving it. So the evil “they” isn’t me I can tell
you that for certain.

Does my wife give a sh*t about juggling finances, repairs, problem solving, other adult household stuff… NOPE! Yet if I acted the way she did she would call me a wuss for not being to man enough to handle my stuff. She also doles out homework routinely but rarely takes any.

What has worked for me is just doing my part well and not accepting homework she should be doing for herself. If she’s gonna be controlling, you “drop the rope” and let them have it. She’s an adult. If the blinds aren’t hung up the timing/manner of her choosing, she is more then welcome to do it herself. Sending the message it’s on her tends to turn off a lot of princess-like behavior. Another example is driving. If she gets too backseat driver-ish, I pullover and she drives. Suddenly she doesn’t complain as much as doesn’t wanna drive.

Like another poster said, “treat her like a star and she’ll treat you like a fan.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored

Anastasia6 said:


> Never and I mean never involve children in ganging up on the other parent.
> 
> Unless you just don't care if your marriage lasts.
> 
> Long term marriages are us against the world. Not involve the world against one of us. You might even win the battle but you'll lose the war. And what message does this send to the kids?


He hasn't, the kids see that mom is checked out on them. No longer interrested in their day to day lives.


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## Anastasia6

Divinely Favored said:


> He hasn't, the kids see that mom is checked out on them. No longer interrested in their day to day lives.


I was responding to the poster who suggested it. Hence it was quoted and bolder.


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## Divinely Favored

My wife used to do these things. I would try to do laundry, etc. "You didnt do it right, If you want something done right...." It got done just not the process/manner she used. Finally got my fill and was like fine...it is all your monkey now. I quit doing any laundry. Carry the basket to laundry room but she washes, dries and folds. Dont mess with her washer/dryer! 

Then she would ***** that she does everything! Ok honey....lets compare lists. I call BS. I maintained vehicles, yard work, fed dogs, trash, vaccumed, both bathed kids, both changed diapers, both cleaned bathrooms, cooked, dishes. She cleaned kitchen and laundry. She put more stress on herself with kid stuff due to her having bad childhood. 

Ehh...same way it drives me nuts how they stack dishes in the dishwasher. I dont ***** or complain...i just restack to fit in more dishes. They are not engineer/puzzle minded to see how to stack dishes to make the most eficiant use of dish washer. But i dont ***** about it.


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## Uniqueusername

TiredinTx said:


> Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9).
> 
> Apologies for the long post but here goes.
> Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.
> 
> I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted.
> Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot.
> A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.
> Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future.
> We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
> It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job).
> She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
> I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done.
> Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far


Holy crappy! I know we’re only getting one side of the story but you sound too good to be true. You’ve got to be doing something wrong that’s pissing your wife off. If not, I’d say she needs to step it up and do some household chores. You’re practically a single parent at this point.


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## TiredinTx

Uniqueusername said:


> Holy crappy! I know we’re only getting one side of the story but you sound too good to be true. You’ve got to be doing something wrong that’s pissing your wife off. If not, I’d say she needs to step it up and do some household chores. You’re practically a single parent at this point.


Oh I am far from perfect and I fully recognize this! I would openly tell you her side if she bothered to spend 5 min telling it. Her favorite criticism is that I stay up too late. I am literally cleaning up after dinner, getting lunches ready, getting kids to sleep while she is asleep at 8:30 or 9. I am 100% a single parent to my son at this point and 90% to my daughters. I have read the books and tried all he love languages. Apparently my wife has a 6th or 7th. Today I cooked the entire Christmas dinner which everyone enjoyed but we had it at 12:30 instead of 12 so I got criticized. I am pretty much done but I have to work out the kids and the money at this point. My kids deserve better than this


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## Uniqueusername

TiredinTx said:


> Oh I am far from perfect and I fully recognize this! I would openly tell you her side if she bothered to spend 5 min telling it. Her favorite criticism is that I stay up too late. I am literally cleaning up after dinner, getting lunches ready, getting kids to sleep while she is asleep at 8:30 or 9. I am 100% a single parent to my son at this point and 90% to my daughters. I have read the books and tried all he love languages. Apparently my wife has a 6th or 7th. Today I cooked the entire Christmas dinner which everyone enjoyed but we had it at 12:30 instead of 12 so I got criticized. I am pretty much done but I have to work out the kids and the money at this point. My kids deserve better than this


Yeah, I wouldn’t stick around for one second longer than I had to. Good luck. It sounds like you’re in an unhealthy (at best) relationship.


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## gr8ful1

TiredinTx said:


> Today I cooked the entire Christmas dinner which everyone enjoyed but we had it at 12:30 instead of 12 so I got criticized.


Glad you see this as unacceptable. At minimum, start the process of separation. If you have the determination to follow through with it (and you should) you just _might_ snap her back into reality when she sees you’re not ****ing around anymore and she either changes meaningfully or she’ll be doing ALL these things soon, like it or not. You’re already there so there’s only upside for you.

Hope you follow through. You can do this!


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## Beach123

TiredinTx said:


> I grew up through an acrimonious divorce. Won’t do that to my kids. She can take what she wants and I will pay if it comes to that. I made this bed and will lay in it for my children’s happiness. I can work and make more money


You aren’t responsible for your kids happiness.
And you are assuming making more money fixes the issues.

Two times to marriage counseling isn’t enough to even start addressing issues within the marriage.

Did you point out to the counselor how entitled your wife is?

Just file for divorce - your workload won’t change since she doesn’t contribute much.


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## thunderchad

Your wife has contempt for you because you are not being a leader and the man she knew. You have become a beta man servant instead of the fun, strong alpha she wants. I would start by laying down some expectations and boundaries. If your current behavior continues she'll be looking to monkey branch soon.


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## Yourgirlfriday

TiredinTx said:


> Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9).
> 
> Apologies for the long post but here goes.
> Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.
> 
> I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted.
> Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot.
> A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.
> Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future.
> We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
> It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job).
> She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
> I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done.
> Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far





TiredinTx said:


> Married for 16 years. 3 kids (15, 13 and 9).
> 
> Apologies for the long post but here goes.
> Both from small town USA. Married fairly young and had a child quickly. She went to child care and we both worked. Two years later a second child followed. Both happy but learning marriage and parenting and lots of grandparent involvement as they lived very close.
> 
> I was offered a job overseas and we discussed and decided together to go. It was significantly more money and benefits and we needed to find our way without family interruption while it was a huge career opportunity for me. It also meant that she didn’t have to work and could stay home with our little ones which she desperately wanted.
> Year one was miserable for her. Two young children at home and I was working long hours trying to build a business from scratch. She had no friends or family around. I knew it was hard and did all I could to help with the kids and housework but I was gone a lot.
> A year into it our oldest started school and we got our bearings. She made several close friends to meet for coffee and play dates, my travel slowed, we moved into a beautiful home provided by the company and she was happy as was our marriage. We spent the next 10 years abroad traveling, enjoying date nights, living in a beautiful city and a fantastic house with help at home.
> Covid changed that two years ago when we were sent home to the USA “temporarily”. After 6 months they said we would be based here for the foreseeable future.
> We bought a beautiful home in a great neighborhood. All three kids adjusted well in school and are doing amazing. But Covid meant I was working from home.
> It was a big adjustment for everyone in our family. I was aware so I tried to do as much as I could to help. Between calls I would help with laundry. I cooked meals while doing emails. Meanwhile, our lives changed financially as we lost our international housing and benefits. Like most couples we now have a mortgage and car notes and bills along with two teenage daughters and younger son. Our kids are in numerous activities and sports and these come at a cost. It was necessary for my wife to go back to work to help with some of these costs (she is a teacher which I agree is a thankless job).
> She went back to work full time in August and since then I have bent over backwards working and managing our house and lots of what she helped with before. I cook every meal, all laundry, all vacuuming, pay all bills. I bring children to activities daily, handle all doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments while working full time. I handle all homework. My wife comes home, works on school work, eats showers and goes to sleep by 9. At this point I have my youngest down and I am either cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher or getting the teenagers to settle in. She does less and less every day and shows zero appreciation. Instead quite the opposite and criticizes when it’s not done how she would have done it.
> I have spoken to her and she is angry she has to work. She is angry we are here. She is angry we don’t have our life we had abroad. She does have friends here and manages to get together for drinks with work friends, shop with my daughters on Saturdays (to spend time with the kids that is lost since she has to work) or get her nails done.
> Meanwhile I am drowning. I am exhausted and beyond overwhelmed. I know I am a good father and husband but life is not sustainable this way. This isn’t a marriage and yet she is so consumed with this anger about working and not having her old life that nothing changes. I don’t know how to fix this and maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far


I think your kids need chores and less activities. You need to tell your wife what you need too.

Counselling might be in order.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Its fairly obvious whats going on here. She got accustomed to a certain lifestyle and developed a princess mentality. Now that the money isnt coming in like it used to, she is raging inside that she cant live that lifestyle anymore. 

I am guessing you guys didn't really save or invest much of anything? Just spent it all on living it up?

I highly recommend people go through Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsay. You would not believe the weight lifted off your shoulders and marriage when you have no debt. We get paid and there is no visa, no Mastercard, no car payment, no loans, and no mortgage. The two of us are in full agreement that we get a certain amount from each pay period that we can spend however we want with no questions asked and no guilt. 

I joke her and say how much clothing do you need! And she jokingly fires back and says how much ammo, tackle and guns do you need? 🤣 I say I guess we will never know.


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## Bulfrog1987

TiredinTx said:


> Oh I am far from perfect and I fully recognize this! I would openly tell you her side if she bothered to spend 5 min telling it. Her favorite criticism is that I stay up too late. I am literally cleaning up after dinner, getting lunches ready, getting kids to sleep while she is asleep at 8:30 or 9. I am 100% a single parent to my son at this point and 90% to my daughters. I have read the books and tried all he love languages. Apparently my wife has a 6th or 7th. Today I cooked the entire Christmas dinner which everyone enjoyed but we had it at 12:30 instead of 12 so I got criticized. I am pretty much done but I have to work out the kids and the money at this point. My kids deserve better than this


You are living my life. EXCEPT, I am not the main bread winner, I am a hybrid SAHM, working from home with our four year old and two days a week outside the home. But I do everything. I do go to bed early myself because by 8:30 I'm exhausted. I am the director of a prek program and those days especially it wipes me out. But I just have the one child so I can't speak to your situation with multiples. 

I'm just speaking from a woman's perspective who has ZERO help that she definitely seems very entitled to all you do and I can understand completely your frustration. I'd NEVER say word about something my husband chipped in on, just because I'd be so very grateful for the help.

Curious to know if anything has changed, if you've been able to have a discussion?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

gr8ful1 said:


> Glad you see this as unacceptable. At minimum, start the process of separation. If you have the determination to follow through with it (and you should) you just _might_ snap her back into reality when she sees you’re not ****ing around anymore and she either changes meaningfully or she’ll be doing ALL these things soon, like it or not. You’re already there so there’s only upside for you.
> 
> Hope you follow through. You can do this!


What's going on around here?


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