# I'd like to feel ok about letting my family go.



## Luvs2Luv (Sep 9, 2010)

My dad has become very rich by working very hard over the years. About 7 years ago he joined a very fancy organization, and ever since he's lost a few marbles. No one is as good as those he surrounds himself with at work, particularly his children's spouses. My siblings and my mom (they're still married) have become submissive, and they've become afraid that if they disagree with his opinions, their financial support will stop coming in. I disagreed with him, and the financial support did indeed stop. I have also lost contact with every person I'm related to who still collects a paycheck from him. When I ask why this is, they produce some lie my dad told them about me. I'm married to the most amazing man on Earth, and my dad can't stand him because he stands up for me when my dad attacks me. My dad is very angry, very bitter, and very powerful, and yes....he does have a circle of trust! 

Since he joined this organization, I've seen him become more insane, and with counseling I realized he no longer wants what's best for me, nor do any of my family members. I reached out for years to my siblings and relatives, and although they admit he's nuts, they eventually throw me under the bus in exchange for the vacations and gifts he offers. I think they keep the spotlight on me, because it has to be on someone, and it's better me than them. I've spent years feeling defeated and depressed, and each time I reach out to someone in my family to try to reopen the efforts, it destroys me and makes me feel even more alone. My husband and his family have stood by my side the entire time, but as the years go on and things only get worse, I can see my husband closing in on the last of his nerves. I've probably cried every day since 2003, because this is the only thing in my life that I can't fix, and I feel like such an outcast from my own family - and I can see my marriage beginning to take a toll. I just feel so much guilt for not "honoring my mother and my father," as my dad has told me to.

Now my dad's been given notice he may have a disease, and if it's true, it's suspected he'll live another 10 years. At first my mother told me he'd only live three months, but then I learned she was lying to me. I immediately called him, and he just started attacking again, so after a year I've given up again and won't speak to him unless he has something nice to say.

If any member of my family (on my dad's payroll) is in my life, I'm miserable and alone, and I'm consumed with self-hate and pain - I even stutter. Without them in my life, I THRIVE. When I stopped participating in my dad's attacks, my business flourished, my marriage was wonderful, I'm getting my sense of humor and confidence back, and I've never felt as accepted and loved as I do when I'm with my in-laws. :smthumbup: I'm HAPPY, and I'm a better person. My friends even tell me I'm back to my old self.

So.....I know I have to let my family go, but the guilt of my dad's illness is consuming my mind. My stutter's back, and I can't even focus at work. I can see my marriage beginning to hurt again, because let's face it, who wants to be with the sad chick who sits around crying all day over a bunch of bullies? I'm tired of carrying around this baggage, and I'm tired of hurting so bad and feeling so hopeless and guilty, with no end in sight. How can I let them go and feel ok with it, and find the strength to keep them away if they just come back to ambush me? 


Thank you for reading.....


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

You are in a tough spot and I can imagine it is very difficult to not have the support of clost family to lean on. However, from what you have explained and think you have pretty much answered for yourself - that when you are away from all of your family drama - you are happy & enjoying life. And when you do get wrapped up in your family drama - you are miserable & sad. 
It seems quite straight forward to me to do what makes you happy, as hard as it will be to "let your family go". It is not like you haven't tried & haven't reached out to them. It sounds like you have done more that enough to try to bridge the family differences & hold your family together. 
It is a shame that your family members are putting money 1st in this situation. When your father is gone & his money is all gone, they will regret what they have done to you. But you can't change them & unfortunately, none of them seem willing to change their behaviors. 
I am sure your fathers illness is weighing on your consciencous (sp?) but again from what you have said, you have tried reaching out to him & he has belittled you. Again, what a shame as you are his daughter & own flesh & blood. But he does not appear to be willing to change at this point either. MAYBE when his illness takes it's toll & when he knows the end if more eminent - maybe he will have a realization that his money is not everything. 

I think you need to focus on what makes you happy - which is sounds like you have a loving husband & his family who love you & accept you for who you are. You need to do what makes you feel good & happy & not let the negative influences of your family stop you from enjoying your life. YOu mentioned, that you can sense this is taking a toll on your marriage and you definitely don't want to loose your support system. 
so I think you are best to focus on you, your husband & his family and hope that one day your family will realize how wrong they were to treat you the way they did. it will only be when they are willing to change that you can attempt to build that relationship again. 

Good luck & stay strong


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your dad has plenty of people who can 'take care' of him, waiting on his money. Just walk away and protect what's most important in your life - your husband.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You are very lucky to be married to your husband, and if he does truly love you, he won't leave you simply because of baggage. 
You've done all you can to make it work with your family, I feel that the best to do is just wait. It sounds like your the only one in your family who cared about what was important, and with your husband, you have a great handle on that. 
You say that your family is all united, and that's why you probably feel outnumbered, getting thrown under the bus and all. On a wry note, it sounds like your relatives are like vultures-they're waiting for your father to go so that they can get they're share. Just watch and see how united they are THEN. It sounds like some pretty ugly court cases are in your family's future, probably make the Gottis and Kennedys look like the Waltons.
I know this may sound cold, but when your father is near the end, I know he will regret all. Very few men ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had made more money-they all wish they had treated their loved ones better. 
So, look out for number 1, you and the family you and your husband made-not the one who treated you as a pariah all these years


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## Luvs2Luv (Sep 9, 2010)

What incredible responses from all of you! This is an amazing forum! And there's so much great advice in this thread...thank you everyone. I've felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders since reading the first response. 

I agree that my husband is my numero uno, but it's still so tough not to regret how things panned out with my family. But, my husband says we deserve to finally start the rest of our lives (we've been married more than five years now! That poor man!), and I couldn't agree more. Maybe my dad will come around, and maybe he won't. But I have great memories of the person he used to be, and if he decides to be that person again, I know he'll track me down.

To F-102 - You're totally right, the court cases are going to be the drama of the century, I can already feel it! The good news is I probably won't have to be involved  I'll choose true love over money any day of the week!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I had to cut my dad out of my life. It was hard but we managed just fine. But I did have to go through a grieving process...for the dad I wished I had gotten, but didn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever see that movie with Michael J Fox and Kirk Douglas? He was the nephew who wouldn't take the old rich man's crap, while all the rest of the sycophant family cow-towed around him; he hated them all, and finally left everything to this nephew.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hey, Turnera, I was thinking of the same flick when I wrote my response!
Inka-dinka-doo!


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