# Wife used to like my nice guy



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm going through a divorce, wife gave me an I love you but don't love you speech. I know at first my wife used to appreciate that I was a nice guy, but now I think since she lost all this weight, she is out there acting like she is in her mid twenties again (she is 33). I kind of wonder if me being a nice guy led her to search for something else?

Ladies what are your opinion on nice guys?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I like nice guys, I don't want to be treated like crap, I want to be respected and know that my feelings/opinions matter to him...I like when they don't have to think twice about giving a compliment or doing something for you...I want to feel like he can't live without me (even though he can haha)....But I still want him to show a little male dominance once in a while because that can be hot 

In short I think that maybe your wife is going through some kind of thing trying to recapture her early twenties, partying phase, now that she may look better and get more attention....

But for the most part once we women grow and mature, the bad boys no longer look so good...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

did she ask for/want the divorce or did you go that direction after she told you ILYBNILWY?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Might have. Nice guys need constant emotional validation from their mates and a woman is just not wired to be a constant emotional buttress to her husband. A woman will get worn out doing this and start to resent her husband. The purpose of the 180 you are doing is to help you become emotionally independent and self validating. A man who carries himself with this kind of independence is very attractive to females.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Okey...my wife asked for the divorce. 

I've had mutual friends of ours also tell me that they can see how differently she has become, acting all crazy like, making them feel uneasy being around her.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

proudandwiddy, exact same story here. While you may wonder if your being a niceguy drove her to become a slvt, when you have learned your lesson from all of this she may wonder if it was her betrayal that sparked you to become the confident, kind and compassionate man that she wanted all along... and you will both see each other for what you really are. The consequence of her choice will prevent her from ever being able to obtain what she wants until she chooses to learn her lesson. Personally I am glad to be the betrayed one and not a cheater.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh yeah, I don't want to be the cheater. I can look in the mirror and know that I tried to save my marriage; that I won't have to live with regret knowing I made this choice.

On a side note, it's funny because my wife asked me since I get done on Sundays at 5pm would I want to take the kids that night too. She said she is offering this because she wants us to have more time together.

I'm glad to have the kids, but she is offering this because it gives her another night to go out and party, do what she wants, etc.

God she is such a liar.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nice guys ....are nice. lol. I dated one and had to break up with him...he drove me crazy.

My husband was a bad boy with morals. Rebellious, punk and goth in his younger years.

Now he is a free thinker and a true manly man...not a douche, he's very sweet...but he has an edge. I love it.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So I need to not be the total nice guy anymore; still keep some of those qualities, but not a door mat.

That girl....why did you break up with him?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cause he was so annoying....being nice. he was up my ass all day. Ew. And not in the sexy way LOL. And then seeing him interact with his exwife was nauseating.

So...be nice. but don't be a p*ssy. Be a man, but don't be a douche.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Listen to that girl Proud. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Nice guys ....are nice. lol. I dated one and had to break up with him...he drove me crazy.
> 
> My husband was a bad boy with morals. Rebellious, punk and goth in his younger years.
> 
> Now he is a free thinker and a true manly man...not a douche, he's very sweet...but he has an edge. I love it.


TG, you are not alone in what you are attracted to, it is a very basic human sexual theme. I suspect almost all women never get that deep down satisfaction unless their man has the ability to kick a little ass in some way now and again. Whenever a guy falls short that way it is only for a woman's own mental disorders that she could overcome that basic appetite .

Those bad boys who grew up learned how to respect and get along and think independently eventually they just were more selfish for the part of their lives when hormones drove their choices more. The problem for us NG's is we have to do the opposite path, we have lived peacefully all along compromising and sacrificing our wants for some ultimatum we arrive at in our mind. Somehow we have to "learn" to be more badass which I think is truly impossible... I feel ripped off in life somehow for seeing how guys can be d!cks half their life and still get the great woman in the end, while us meek get the sh!t end of the stick and when we finally smarten up our testosterone has already left the building. I guess I wouldn't care so much if the reformed bad boy wasn't such an appealing genre to society in general, but specifically to many women, as yourself.

A successfully reformed NG never gets called heroic, trying to find that edge has to be more difficult coming from our direction since we are fighting biology the whole time. I just hope I find it eventually, in time to really be myself and enjoy some quality time with a quality mate (or two or three )


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Roger that, got it. Hey I stood up to the stbxw this morning, that was a big step, and it felt good!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I love my nice guy husband, but he does have a bit of a pirate in him. 

I think that the issue may have been an unbalanced relationship, where your wife felt that she had more power than you did. She seemed sure that you would put up with any disrespect that she dished out. She also sounds like she is going through a classic mid-life crisis. She will be very sorry a few years from now when she realizes that she lost a very good man in her search for new thrills.

Would this have happened if you weren't so nice? The issue is not being nice, but being a doormat who places his wife's feelings above his own. Nice people can still have boundaries. They can still demand that their spouses respect them, because they value themselves outside of the relationship.

I guess it is all in how you define nice. It is a quality that I treasure because it means that my husband makes me a priority in his life. It was one of the things that I looked for when I was dating. He cares about meeting my needs, but I also do my part to keep him happy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GreenEyes said:


> I like nice guys, I don't want to be treated like crap, I want to be respected and know that my feelings/opinions matter to him...I like when they don't have to think twice about giving a compliment or doing something for you...I want to feel like he can't live without me (even though he can haha)....But I still want him to show a little male dominance once in a while because that can be hot
> 
> In short I think that maybe your wife is going through some kind of thing trying to recapture her early twenties, partying phase, now that she may look better and get more attention....
> 
> But for the most part once we women grow and mature, the bad boys no longer look so good...



This is how I feel. :iagree:

I absolutely adore the Hopeless Romantic Nice man ....but he must have some balls.... HE needs to assert his needs (passiveness to not hurt the woman's feelings is rediculous)... a little arguing once in a while is GOOD (in our marraige, I bring that just fine)... he needs a sense of humor (my husband is grand here -he likes to make fun of me!) ... some good looks and he must have a healthy banging sex drive. 

If he lacks the above, it could slowly fall apart..... but so long as he has THESE things...I would choose the nice guy over any Alpha any day. I LOVE the doting, the togetherness, the up the ass ness..especially if it is touchy feely and flirty.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What did you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well basically the last three weeks when I dropped the kids stuff off, she would rope me into a conversation, I would rehash and sound all wussy, and that's that. This morning I just walked in, dropped the stuff off, walked right back out. 

She called me asking why I didn't stay longer, told her that there was no need. She then said "I thought we were going to be friends, be amiacble." I told her I was being nice with her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I hate to see true *genuine* nice man treated badly... I would encourage every one of them to do a 180 and show what has been difficult for him thus far (because of their deep caring nature) ..... a COLD side, a side that speaks... "I can live my life without you.... if you don't want me, I don't want you either"...... go out & have some fun, dress to kill, strike up an engaging conversation with a female out & about, feel good about yourself.... . if that doesn't get her attention if/when she hears about it ... then she is lost to you anyway....

Rent this movie - about the Nice Guy loosing his wife to a mid life crisis... Official Crazy, Stupid, Love Trailer - YouTube ....If you want to take your mind off of this for a moment -it is a fun comedy. 

Some women will leave a good man for some new excitement, but when this wears off ......she will be wishing she took closer look at the whole, searched her own heart - instead of jumping for the tempting temporary rush of something new - best to stay and work with what you have, if at all possible. 

Do you feel you both have tried & True communicated the REAL underlying issues that brought you here....

possible ....... Built up Resentment....loss of attraction, Communication (passive aggressiveness) ....Finances... Sex....Uncompatability..... Mid Life crisis ? etc etc


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Simply,
Your post made me feel good. The rejection of everything has been the worse! Having her tell me that I treated her great, she knows she will not find anyone better, it sucks! To see her happy, oh well let her have happiness in this new way; her friends can see how she is acting. She will see the kind of guys she attracts by how she acts.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Growing up it always baffled me how women liked the "bad boys" or guys who were frankly a**holes to them. My father was very alpha and I inherited a lot of those genes however seeing how he handled his relationships I've worked very hard to be the nice guy and to be honest with you, I couldn't be happier. At the end of the day the bad boy persona gets old very quickly and almost always ends in heartbreak. Your wife will regret her decision. Soon she'll learn that all the nice guys are married off in loving relationships while she's left with the bad boys who are only after one thing.

That being said, isn't it bizarre that us guys almost never want a bad girl?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No, us guys want the good girl to take home to mom, but the bad girl in the bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

proudwidaddy said:


> No, us guys want the good girl to take home to mom, but the bad girl in the bedroom.


Funny, cause us women really want the same thing ..... treat us like a gentleman out and about, call us your Queen -- then get a little WILD & aggressive in the bedroom.... let us feel your passion for us.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Trust me, I made my wife feel the passion. I would send sexy messages, text, I wrote her a list of things I wanted to do to her, and vice versa. She dressed up for me. 

It's weird because most people towards the end of their marriage don't have much sex at all, our sex life increased dramatically.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Well basically the last three weeks when I dropped the kids stuff off, she would rope me into a conversation, I would rehash and sound all wussy, and that's that. This morning I just walked in, dropped the stuff off, walked right back out.
> 
> She called me asking why I didn't stay longer, told her that there was no need. She then said "I thought we were going to be friends, be amiacble." I told her I was being nice with her.


Why did you answer her call? Turn than phone off. Quit being at her beck and call every minute of every day. 

Stop doing it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

some people really cannot be happy unless they are miserable.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm really sorry you're going through all this but to be honest..you deserve better!! Everybody wants a nice guy but nobody appreciates them?? You need to let her go and find someone who's going to appreciate the hell out of you being a nice guy while she has all her fun..gets burned by all sorts of guys..and in the end...wishes she'd had you back..but by that time..I'm sure a really nice woman is going to already be in your life as you won't be out there for long.

It just depends how soon you're willing to let go of a wife that takes you for granted, etc.

Hang in there and keep us posted.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

My mom raised me to be what she thought a man should be. I am thankful and resentful. I was a doormat most of my life. Initially w liked it, but I can now see how it may have not been the best thing. I always liked how she would want me to defend her in some way and when I took initiative to do so she freaked out and said that I shouldn't and that I might get hurt blahblahblah. Any time I stood up to her she would cry or get mad. It never worked for me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is a nice guy. Nicer then any other man I've ever encountered. I absolutely love and respect him. We have the same personality. We live in a very peaceful home.

My husband does so much for me, especially after I permanently injured my neck. He's right there by my side. I truly appreciate everything he does for me. In return, I do my best to please him. We work very well as a team. You won't see too many couples that get along as well as we do.


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## HopeFloats59 (Feb 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Funny, cause us women really want the same thing ..... treat us like a gentleman out and about, call us your Queen -- then get a little WILD & aggressive in the bedroom.... let us feel your passion for us.


This is so true! To be honest, I only ever wanted to date the bad guy when I was in high school. Some silly notion of reforming the bad boy, probably a product of adolescent teen movies. As I matured, I learned to really appreciate the sweet guy. There have been times where a really wonderful nice guy has pursued me, and I had wished so badly that I could have feelings for them. But the feelings weren't there. Basically my point is that no matter how nice a guy is, if I'm not feeling it, that nice sweetness isn't enough for me to be with him for that reason alone. BUT, I do really have to have a nice guy. My FI is so amazingly sweet and patient and kind. He definitely has made mistakes, but he is always trying to be a better man for me, and I do appreciate that. In return, it makes me fully devoted to our relationship. 

I think being hurt and afraid of relationships has made me truly appreciate the truly nice guy. If your wife does not appreciate you, I'm sure she will one day in retrospect when it's too late.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not about good boy, bad boy. I like men. Real men who know their boundaries and protect their boundaries....and take commitments seriously.

They show emotion but they don't whine.
They are nice, but they aren't being nice out of fear.
They love, but they don't cling.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Why did you answer her call? Turn than phone off. Quit being at her beck and call every minute of every day.
> 
> Stop doing it!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TOOTTTAALLLYYYY!

Start letting it go to voice mail and return her calls after a couple hours. Always hang up first. Stop being her betch.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You need the backbone to hear what your wife hates about you, if she has the courage to say it. My marriage is a train wreck but I know very well what she thinks of me and she, me. At some point you have to not fold up and die when loved ones say mean things to you. They're still just other people with stupid misinformed opinions. It's like your wife or husband has a divine lock on the truth.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's not about good boy, bad boy. I like men. Real men who know their boundaries and protect their boundaries....and take commitments seriously.
> 
> They show emotion but they don't whine.
> They are nice, but they aren't being nice out of fear.
> They love, but they don't cling.


yes that is why I was expressing my horror in my earlier post about my realization that I was a nice guy... A nice guy takes committments seriously and for a long time doesn't whine, however according to your definition, since the NG clings and doesn't set or enforce boundaries it means I wasn't a real man when this whole time I thought I was (cause my momma told me so, lol). Kinda hard to take cept now life is offering me an opportunity to "man up" I'm not saying I was all NG, but I fit the mold too well. Rewiring oneself is no easy task.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Well basically the last three weeks when I dropped the kids stuff off, she would rope me into a conversation, I would rehash and sound all wussy, and that's that. This morning I just walked in, dropped the stuff off, walked right back out.
> 
> She called me asking why I didn't stay longer, told her that there was no need. She then said "I thought we were going to be friends, be amiacble." I told her I was being nice with her.


It is really curious that she is basically wanting you to be exactly the same guy she is divorcing. I don't think that this is an issue of being a nice guy versus bad boy. Before, you would do anything for her because she was yours. Now, she's not. 

Hypothetically speaking, let's say that a guy isn't one of those Nice guys. He might naturally remind a woman in this situation that she changed the rules with the divorce. As far as he sees it, there's not a lot in it for him in this so-called amicable arrangement. He's beginning to see that other, more attractive women have a far more generous definition of what occurs in an ... ahem .. amicable arrangement. If she thinks that a pretty smile is amicable, she's just a face in the crowd to him... At the very least, it might make her wonder what is going on in your mind. Hypothetically speaking, that is.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Rent this movie - about the Nice Guy loosing his wife to a mid life crisis... Official Crazy, Stupid, Love Trailer - YouTube ....If you want to take your mind off of this for a moment -it is a fun comedy.


Not saying that movie was a documentary of my marriage but there were certainly a lot of similarities.

What I enjoyed was seeing the just honest assessment from Ryan Gossling's character on what lead to his wife cheating.

The guy was a good guy, but he lost sight of who he was as a man, husband, and lover. He stopped being a man at some point and started being a doormat. It was the only movie about affairs that I could watch that didn't piss me off.

There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy, but there is something wrong with being a doormat. Many women are happily married to nice guys, but no woman wants to be married to a pushover.

I'm not sure how these good women just up and snap when they don't get what they want at home. I still believe it's some sort of hormonal, biological, cognitive dissonance. I literally watched my wife go from sweet, loving, SAHM, to party animal sex maniac, back to sweet loving wife again, all within a span of like 3 months.

Unfortunately, the natural tendency of a doormat during these periods is to appease and do whatever we can to make sure we're not being a**holes. The truth is, our wives are out partying with the a**holes we try so hard not to be.

I think the solution as in most things is in the middle ground. An a**hole looks attractive when you're married to a pushover. A nice guy seems great when you're married to a man who beats you and calls you names. What it takes to be a good husband is a middle ground. We have to be caring and gentle, but we also have to have confidence and be leaders of our homes.

In short, it's ok to be a nice guy, but not at the expense of your life. Always remember to make time for yourself and live out your hopes and dreams. Be confident enough in yourself to command respect, not by being an a**hole but by knowing who you are.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Another sign of the hopless Nice Guy, is their need to talk and talk and talk about their feelings and lost dreams. They are almost feminine in a way. I have seen alot of these guys on this board: all talk and no action.

Women want both. They want a man who can sit down and get into deep conversations with them about things that only they deem important, but they also want that same man to jump up, plan the family vacation, fix the leak on the roof and scream at the Indian telemarketer because she got a charge on her credit card bill that shouldn't be there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You so nailed it, Bandit. At least for me.

I've dated guys who just talk and talk about their feelings but do NOTHING to fix their problems. Drives me nuts.

I like a take change kind of guy. Hubs takes charge. It's sexy.

And when he left me, while I cried and supported him and felt my world crashing around me, there was a part of me saying "YOU GO, BABY! PUT ME IN MY PLACE!" I can't explain it, but I was so proud of him that night...even though I was so devastated.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

My husband is a nice guy, but he is still a mans man. I think to often nice guys are confused with overly emotional mushy guys, which is a totally different thing.

He is not clingy, and knows how to take charge and get things done. You can be a nice guy but still have the confidence to not let people walk all over you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> My husband is a nice guy, but he is still a mans man. I think to often nice guys are confused with overly emotional mushy guys, which is a totally different thing.
> 
> He is not clingy, and knows how to take charge and get things done. You can be a nice guy but still have the confidence to not let people walk all over you.


Hey Proud... you listening to this bro?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

misticli said:


> My husband is a nice guy, but he is still a mans man. I think to often nice guys are confused with overly emotional mushy guys, which is a totally different thing.
> 
> He is not clingy, and knows how to take charge and get things done. You can be a nice guy but still have the confidence to not let people walk all over you.


I don't think that's what people in this forum mean when they say "nice guy". I think they mean the guy who is a doormat, etc...

My husband is very nice  He'd help anyone. But he doesn't let people take advantage. See?

Someone can be 'nice' and be strong, etc...I just think in this forum, the term "nice guy" is not a very good one. At least that's how I take it. It DOES mean the mushy, clingy, whiny man who does everything for his wife because he's scared of losing her. So he's "nice".


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think that's what people in this forum mean when they say "nice guy". I think they mean the guy who is a doormat, etc...
> 
> My husband is very nice  He'd help anyone. But he doesn't let people take advantage. See?
> 
> Someone can be 'nice' and be strong, etc...I just think in this forum, the term "nice guy" is not a very good one. At least that's how I take it. It DOES mean the mushy, clingy, whiny man who does everything for his wife because he's scared of losing her. So he's "nice".


It is the difference between a nice guy (the clingy doormat) and a nice man (a man who treats people well). Women like a nice man, not a nice guy.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

blah mr nice guy what i going to do to him, hmmm yep totally dominate him.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Serious question, is there a way to counter the negative reaction of some one that is caught off guard by you standing up? 

When I was refused to be a doormat it didn't work. I never wanted the to be the doormat, but it ended up that way. Over time, there was no respect for me no matter what choice I made. Then again...never mind, there were some issues there that had nothing to do with me.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Agast84 said:


> Serious question, is there a way to counter the negative reaction of some one that is caught off guard by you standing up?
> 
> When I was refused to be a doormat it didn't work. I never wanted the to be the doormat, but it ended up that way. Over time, there was no respect for me no matter what choice I made. Then again...never mind, there were some issues there that had nothing to do with me.


There isn't a reaction that you can "have" to get you respect.

It's an attitude.

Like imagine someone who you think commands respect. President Obama, or Brad Pitt. How would he act in a situation where someone wanted him to be a doormat? He'd be like, "What? No I'm not doing that, I'm not your doormat." If they gave him lip after that he'd be like, "I'm not taking that, I'm Brad Pitt, see ya later."

It's that attitude of, "If you disrespect me, you're outta the club, I got plenty of people waiting in line for my time."

But it only works if you believe it. It WILL bite you in the ass if you go through the motions but don't believe it in your heart. When you believe it, your walk will change, your look will change, your interactions with people will change.


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