# I'm at a crossroads



## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

I had an affair.

It was April 2012. Back then, it was pretty innocent. Just talking - then after about a week of talking, came to realize that he was having marriage problems as well as me. My issues? A verbally abusive husband for many years - coupled with no positive attention. I finally broke free of the depression that I suffered over the past 7 years (I actually owe that to a co-worker who would actually pay attention to me and was so nice to me...no, I didn't have an affair with him, but he made me feel really good about myself - that was supposed to be my husbands job, but this co-worker was there for me. It never got physical). The other guys issues? A wife who completely stopped all intimacy; moved out of their bedroom and went into a completely different room...and has been there for the past 5 years.

May 2012 is when my affair actually got physical. It meant nothing to me. I felt so horrible about it that I told my husband right away (no, I never hid this from him). He said that he knew something like this was going to happen. I was angry with him and told him nothing would have ever happened if he would have just been nice to me and treated me with respect instead of constantly putting me down. I told him I wouldn't be seeing this guy anymore....for the next month, things never changed between my husband and I. He decided to move out. I was relieved and upset at the same time. That was June, 2012.

Being by myself was horrible. I couldn't get past the empty bed and not having anyone to talk to (I do have my daughter, but she has friends and goes out frequently with them). I tried to convince my husband that this wasn't good for us. He wouldn't come back. Kept saying "I've moved on with my life...you need to, too". So, I turned to the guy I had an affair with. He actually turned out to be a really wonderful man. Kind, caring, funny - all of the things I wanted my husband to be with me, but wasn't. So, I saw him several more times (mind you, he lives about 300 miles away from me, so we don't see each other as much as we would like to). 

So here's the confusing part. Even though I was starting to develop feelings for the other man, I STILL wanted my husband back. On occassions, my husband and I would get intimate with each other. This continued for several months. THen in August, my husband decided to go to Georgia with a friend. That's where my husband met a 28 year old woman (mind you, my husband is 49). They didn't get physical (only kissed). It was about a month afterwards that he secretly flew to meet her and they had sex...lots of it....over the course of a very long weekend. I was devistated when I found this out. Yes, even though I had an affair, I never had intercourse with him. Yeah, we did other things, but we never did that....it seemed too intimate at the time for both of us.

I wound up calling this girl and demanded her to stay away from my husband. I got her number off of my husband's cell bill online (I had set up his account online for him two years ago....he forgot all about it). I even threatened to fly to GA and beat the crap out of her. To no avail, she kept texting him/calling him. Mind you, I ended my affair in August.

When my husband came home from GA, about a week later, we got physical again. I made sure his little girlfriend knew...so I text her that I was physical with my husband. She wound up calling him and confronting him. He told her the truth, but she STILL text and called him. I was so frustrated....I didn't know what to do. Then apparently, in September, she ended things with him because she found out my husband stayed at our house. I was relieved! I thought, "finally we can get back on track". That's when my husband said, "I'm going to date other people so please...move on with you life". I would remind him that he would be intimate with me....so what does it all mean? He said, "it's just a need that I have to fill...and you are here". I was pretty crushed. He went out with several women. I then decided to go back to the guy I originally had an affair with. We would text, talk and laughed together. We saw each other two more times. It was great....sort of. I was getting very close with him and really wanted to spend more time together. 

So now...the day after Christmas....my husband decided that he wants to give our marriage another try. I was stunned because my affair has now grew very strong. I actually love this guy very, very much. We bought Xmas gifts for one another - he even bought something for my daughter and I for his daughter. My daughter knows about this man - but his daughter doesn't know about me because he still lives with his wife. Their arrangement is that they stay together, live as roommates (no sex, no intimacy of any kind) and they pretty much stay out of each others way. They do family things, but its limited. 

So I'm at a crossroads now. I love this other guy...we've known each other since April 2012....and after all of the months I begged my husband to come back...and now he finally wants to date and see where things go....I am floored, confused and just plain stumped. I mean, I really love this other guy. I know he really cares for me as well. And yes, I do love my husband, but I feel like a part of me has moved on because my husband kept telling me to do so!! And yes, my husband knows that this other guy is still involved with me. He wants me to end everything completely, but I'm scared to. What if things don't work out with my husband and I? Part of me wants to keep having this affair behind his back - but I know I can't because my conscience will get the best of me - but yet I can't let go of this other man. He means soooo much to me.

I'm really, really messed up over all this


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Why do you think you love this OM? He's still living with his wife? Does she know about you? You can't have your cake and eat it too so you do need to decide - either tell your H its over or leave the OM. How long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You do realize this is all your fault, right?

You had an affair, then your husband had a revenge affair. The guy you love so much outside of your marriage hasn't left his wife. He has it great - a perfect cake eater. 

Has he ever said he would leave his wife? Why should he? He's got the stable life at home, and the fun girlfriend on the side. He'll do that as long as you'll let him. If he really loved you back, he would divorce his wife to be with you.

Your husband had his fun, realized it wouldn't last, NOW wants you back. Is he sincere?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> I had an affair.
> 
> It was April 2012. Back then, it was pretty innocent. Just talking - then after about a week of talking, came to realize that he was having marriage problems as well as me. My issues? A verbally abusive husband for many years - coupled with no positive attention. I finally broke free of the depression that I suffered over the past 7 years (I actually owe that to a co-worker who would actually pay attention to me and was so nice to me...no, I didn't have an affair with him, but he made me feel really good about myself - that was supposed to be my husbands job, but this co-worker was there for me. It never got physical). The other guys issues? A wife who completely stopped all intimacy; moved out of their bedroom and went into a completely different room...and has been there for the past 5 years.
> 
> ...


Dear InLovewith2,

Yes, you really, really are messed up, and so is your husband, your lover and his wife (if his story is to be believed) -- everybody cheating on everybody else.

I suggest you ask yourself the following questions:

1) Do I still love my husband enough to try to reconcile with him? If you do, take the opportunity that he is giving you. Statistics show that marriages, even bad ones, usually end up better than relationships based on cheating (i.e., your relationship with your lover).

2) If you decide not to try to reconcile with your husband, do you really believe you can build a new life with your lover? Is he prepared to divorce his wife and marry you? Can you trust him to be a faithful and loving partner for the rest of your life? If not, and I will bet you that when you think hard about this you will conclude that you cannot, then get out of that relationship because it has no future.

My final advice to you is to start becoming a better person. Understand what led you to betray your husband in the first place, understand why you put up with a bad marriage for so long, understand what you really want out of life.

You need to start over. Maybe with your husband, maybe with your lover (although I doubt that) or maybe just by yourself. But you definitely need to start living differently because the way you've lived the past year or so has really, really messed you up.

Best of luck.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> So now...the day after Christmas....my husband decided that he wants to give our marriage another try. I was stunned because my affair has now grew very strong. I actually love this guy very, very much. We bought Xmas gifts for one another - he even bought something for my daughter and I for his daughter. *My daughter knows about this man - but his daughter doesn't know about me because he still lives with his wife. Their arrangement is that they stay together, live as roommates (no sex, no intimacy of any kind) and they pretty much stay out of each others way. They do family things, but its limited. *
> 
> 
> I'm really, really messed up over all this


In a word. FOG. How do you know about the OM's "arrangement" with his W? Is that what he told you? And you accept this as the truth of their relationship? Have you confirmed this with his W? Does she give her permission for you to have a relationship with her H?

You see, the point is that you are believing HIS version of THEIR marriage, and in doing so, you are somehow justifying your "love" for this guy. Nowhere in his scenario is a future for the both of you. Just a game. Fog.

So really, what do you want? To continue your little fantasy with the OM and pretend that what you feel is real love? To resolve and work on your marital issues with your own H?


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> I had an affair.
> 
> It was April 2012. Back then, it was pretty innocent. Just talking - then after about a week of talking, came to realize that he was having marriage problems as well as me. My issues? A verbally abusive husband for many years - coupled with no positive attention. I finally broke free of the depression that I suffered over the past 7 years (I actually owe that to a co-worker who would actually pay attention to me and was so nice to me...no, I didn't have an affair with him, but he made me feel really good about myself - that was supposed to be my husbands job, but this co-worker was there for me. It never got physical). The other guys issues? A wife who completely stopped all intimacy; moved out of their bedroom and went into a completely different room...and has been there for the past 5 years.
> 
> ...


I really don't even know how to respond to most of this, other than to say that your marriage is screwed. Your husband made two big mistakes. First, was the revenge affair. It's never okay to be unfaithful, even if your partner doesn't have the same scruples. The second was coming back to you. He's probably just experienced the holidays alone and he's pining for the comforts of home and family. Meanwhile, you're shacked up with the OM. Do him a favor: don't chain him up again and don't put the horns back on him. Let him go.

Also, good luck with the OM. You're still in the honeymoon period but sooner or later the rose-colored glasses are going to come off and he's going to start looking at you all squinty-like because he's gonna wonder what you're doing when he's not around. 'Cause you clearly don't have any real remorse about initiating this mess.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I think you three deserve each other.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Why on earth do you want your husband back?

He was abusive with you and you were not in love with him.

Everything else that has happened will only make it harder for you to love each other in the future.

My advice:

Divorce your husband.

Break it off with the OM because that isn't going to work either.

Spend some time working on yourself and developing some character before you consider dating again.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

To answer some questions here:

I've been married 24 years.

Yeah, I know it's my fault. I walked away from my marriage. I completely take 100% responsibility of having an affair. No one put a gun to my head. I get that. But my husband is at fault, too. Not because he had his payback affair. Because he didn't care about me as a person in this marriage. Verbal abuse isn't good for any marriage. Yet he consistently put me down and made me feel horrible about myself. It took other people outside my marriage to make me feel good about me. Wrong? Yeah....but my husband played a significant role in this, too. And I begged him if we could go to counseling (before my affair). He refused. It's like he shut down on me. That was the reason I walked away. Again, I didn't plan this affair...it's not like I said to myself, "hey, screw the husband, let's go out and find someone else". It really just happened.

As for the OM, I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth when he says that his living arrangements are that. I've texted him in the middle of the night several times, and he would answer immediately. He even told me I was a complete surprise to him....he wasn't looking to have an affair either. We both found ourselves in these circumstances because both of us were having a horrible time with our marriages.

I want to work on my marriage....I'm just very scared. And I have these feelings for the OM. THAT frustrates me so much. I wish I could just let those feelings go away, but how do I do that? I get what you all are saying....believe me, I'm not proud of what I did. I always prided myself on staying faithful....I'm not the cheating type (my husband walked away from our marriage 10 years ago...had an affair....didn't sleep with her, just dated her, kissed her....stuff like that, but I remained faithful always). 

So you see, my marriage had issues steming from years ago. THe issues were never resolved. That was both of our fault. We should have seeked counseling and never did.

The OM made it clear from day one that he has to stay with his wife because of some "4 year plan" as he calls it. That's when his daughter will go into college. He plans to divorce her then. But I'm not even sure I can wait 4 years for him. I only see him every 6-8 weeks. No sex....just dinner and some kissing in his car. No hotel. We only did the hotel thing twice, but he tries to do other things in the car to me, which I won't allow because I'm not a freaking teenager.

I really wish this never happened. It sucks that it did because it caused so many problems. 

The OM's issues were basically that their communication has fallen apart. They argue constantly and she was the one who stopped all sex. But you are right....there are two sides to every story. I would love to know hers. But he doesn't bad mouth or talk about her to me. He talked about her in the very beginning a little bit, but not a lot. He pretty much would say she's lazy. 

I'm just really confused about all of this. I get what you are all saying....I really do. But how do I put the brakes on my feelings with this other guy??


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The OM is a cheater, and by default a liar. You can't believe what he says. I'm sure he's a sweet talker, but the reality is that he just wants in your pants.

*You want to trade your current husband in for a man who is cheating on and lying to his wife?* Kudos!

Having a bad marriage is not a license to cheat. Cheating destroys marriages/relationships. It's right up there with alcohol and drug abuse.

Yes, you realize it was wrong, but you are still blaming your husband for your choice to cheat. Until you completely own it, reconciliation would never work. 

So, if you want your husband back, you have to go "No Contact" with your affair partner. Forever. Tell him you are done with him. Your husband needs to go NC with his affair partner. Then both of you can go to IC and MC to tackle your infidelities and pre-affair issues.

Good luck!


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> To answer some questions here:
> 
> I've been married 24 years.
> 
> Yeah, I know it's my fault. I walked away from my marriage. I completely take 100% responsibility of having an affair. No one put a gun to my head. I get that. But my husband is at fault, too. Not because he had his payback affair. Because he didn't care about me as a person in this marriage. Verbal abuse isn't good for any marriage. Yet he consistently put me down and made me feel horrible about myself. *It took other people outside my marriage to make me feel good about me*. Wrong? Yeah....but my husband played a significant role in this, too. And I begged him if we could go to counseling (before my affair). He refused. It's like he shut down on me. That was the reason I walked away. Again, I didn't plan this affair...it's not like I said to myself, "hey, screw the husband, let's go out and find someone else". It really just happened.


Bollocks. Unless you're in one of the few at-fault states in the US, you could've cut bait and run at anytime. But you didn't, and that's why it's your fault. And the reason you cheated is summed up by the bolded statement above. If you require affirmation from another person to feel good about yourself, then your cheating was inevitable. And the affair didn't just happen, unless the initial penetration was the result of a fall. You attached emotionally knowing it was wrong (or you would've come clean with your husband then), and then graduated to a physical affair. I'm not giving your husband a pass, he cheated too. But put on your big-girl pants and take some responsibility for yourself. Christ.



InLovewith2 said:


> As for the OM, I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth when he says that his living arrangements are that. I've texted him in the middle of the night several times, and he would answer immediately. He even told me I was a complete surprise to him....he wasn't looking to have an affair either. We both found ourselves in these circumstances because both of us were having a horrible time with our marriages.


You correct horrible marriages through counseling or divorce. Not through sex with someone other than your spouse.



InLovewith2 said:


> I want to work on my marriage....I'm just very scared. And I have these feelings for the OM. THAT frustrates me so much. I wish I could just let those feelings go away, but how do I do that? I get what you all are saying....believe me, I'm not proud of what I did. I always prided myself on staying faithful....I'm not the cheating type (my husband walked away from our marriage 10 years ago...had an affair....didn't sleep with her, just dated her, kissed her....stuff like that, but I remained faithful always).


You cheated. Therefore, you are the cheating type. Again, own it and take responsibility.



InLovewith2 said:


> The OM made it clear from day one that he has to stay with his wife because of some "4 year plan" as he calls it. That's when his daughter will go into college. He plans to divorce her then. But I'm not even sure I can wait 4 years for him. I only see him every 6-8 weeks. No sex....just dinner and some kissing in his car. No hotel. We only did the hotel thing twice, but he tries to do other things in the car to me, which I won't allow because I'm not a freaking teenager.


No, he's staying with his wife because he, like you, is a cake-eater. You want the emotional comfort and stability of a marriage, that you can come home to someone even if you don't particularly like them, but you also want the oxytocin-riddled euphoria of new, illicit sex.



InLovewith2 said:


> The OM's issues were basically that their communication has fallen apart. They argue constantly and she was the one who stopped all sex. But you are right....there are two sides to every story. I would love to know hers. But he doesn't bad mouth or talk about her to me. He talked about her in the very beginning a little bit, but not a lot. He pretty much would say she's lazy.


If you were truly concerned about your marriage, you would not be giving a toss about your AP's reasons for why he jumped into bed with a married woman. The fact that you're making excuses for him should let you know exactly where your head is. You're in the wrong, he's in the wrong, and your poor, stupid hubby is in the wrong for the reasons that I enumerated earlier.



InLovewith2 said:


> I'm just really confused about all of this. I get what you are all saying....I really do. But how do I put the brakes on my feelings with this other guy??


You can't because, from what I've seen, you have superficial remorse at best for what you've done. You're still rationalizing, finding justification for the unjustifiable. You're not mourning your marriage, just the idea of being married, your self-image as a good wife. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get the emotional help that you need.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

How old is your daughter?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

InLovewith2

here you see confusion I see opportunity.

You and OM have no real relationship. He is still with his wife. End of story.

You are worried that your Husband wants to Reconcile.

so for the first time make a clean break from the OM.

Have an honest discussion with your H.

Tell him your biggest fear is that your marriage will go back to him being abusive.

Lay out a plan for reconciliation with boundaries/conditions.

It needs to be based on truth.
No cheating.
IC for his abusiveness and your infidelity.
MC for both of you.

Then you will know how serious you both are.

Your H obviously loves you still. Even after the infidelity. And your relationship with the OM is nothing more but a continuation of your Affair.

So think about it seriously.

And remember you only get one chance at R.

HM64


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> Bollocks. Unless you're in one of the few at-fault states in the US, you could've cut bait and run at anytime. But you didn't, and that's why it's your fault. And the reason you cheated is summed up by the bolded statement above. If you require affirmation from another person to feel good about yourself, then your cheating was inevitable. And the affair didn't just happen, unless the initial penetration was the result of a fall. You attached emotionally knowing it was wrong (or you would've come clean with your husband then), and then graduated to a physical affair. I'm not giving your husband a pass, he cheated too. But put on your big-girl pants and take some responsibility for yourself. Christ.
> 
> I didn't cut loose from the marriage because I never wanted a divorce. I tried very hard to make things work. Unfortunately, things got more complicated by this affair. My "big girl" pants are on. I came clean with my husband two days after sleeping with this guy. And yes, I even told the other guy that I told my husband. To be honest, just talking to the other guy was something I never thought would lead into anything. That's the truth. I take full responsibility of being in the wrong; but like every relationship, it takes two. My husband pushed me away for a long time. I dealt with a lot of abuse over the years. Maybe this was my way of getting back at him....who knows. Actually, when I was together with the OM for the first time - that was my initial thought. I thought to myself, "there....now we are even for you having an affair 10 years ago and all of the abuse you handed to me - even some physical abuse".
> 
> ...


Maybe so. maybe I do have superficial remorse. And that's probably because of the way my husband treated me for many, many years. I cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job, did all of the laundry, did all of the grocery shopping. I massaged him 3x a week. My husband wanted for nothing - but always seemed to take advantage of me. He never really gave much in return. So I guess that's why I have little remorse. And I know that's not a good thing. All I ever wanted is to be happy. And I busted my ass with my husband for all of these years...holding our marriage together. My husband walked away from the marriage 10 times....TEN!! And each time I would talk to him, convince him to come back to me....and each time he did. Things would go well for months...and then....we would slide back into the arguing and stupid stuff. 

So you see.....it's not like I didn't try. Most women would have said eff it after the 2nd or 3rd time their spouse decided to up and leave. But I didn't....I stuck it out because I loved this man more than life itself. I dealt with the verbal abuse....with so much. Maybe I finally snapped....who the eff knows. But you know what?? A person can only take being treated like sh*# for only so long. I worked this marriage the best I could. No, I'm not a cheater....it's not in my character to do what I did. If I were, I would have done this many years ago to him. But I didn't. I stuck by him....until he pushed me away for the last time. Maybe we should have divorced years ago. Who knows?? But my love for him was very strong....he destroyed that love by taking pieces of it away with his abuse.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> InLovewith2
> 
> here you see confusion I see opportunity.
> 
> ...




I know. Having feelings for both men is what is messed up right now. Common sense says to drop the OM. It's really complicated, though. I work with the OM - the good thing is that we are not in the same state. The bad thing? He can get me fired because he holds a pretty high position in the company. I make really good money....I'll never see this money ever again. My husband knows this. I'm trying to figure a way to get out of the affair without him knowing I'm back with my husband. If he knew I was going back to my husband, he would get so angry he would find a way to get me fired. 

When we broke off the first time, he messed up my work....to the point that my boss asked if I was on drugs because the work submitted was so messed up. I put two and two together....I think that was his way of lashing out at me for breaking us up. But I know he would do something far worse now.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are in a fog with this guy and not in love. This is all about excitment for you. Your husband looks like the hard road to travel and you like your fun, your ups.

That POS you are fing is all the good. No bills, no family issues, no leaving his dirty shorts on the floor. No real life issues. You are in love with the idea of being in love.

Get your butt into IC right now before you do anything. I bet you cannot stop seeing your POS OM but you probably text email and call him 50 times a day. Right? You are acting like a school girl writting I Love XX or Mrs XX. Nock that S#%T off


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

What is more important doing the right thing or making money and f'ing your PO. If you are putting the fun with that POS and Money at the top of your list. 

Take a look in the mirror you will see a really ugly horrible person looking back at you. Get into IC and quit now


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wait, he LEFT 10 times? Why did he leave? He was obviously not happy, even despite what you were doing for him. So what was his issue?

Given that behavior, I have a different take. It sounds like he is a taker. A sponge that never gets full. So he empties himself (doing God knows what), and comes back to you to get full again. That's what he is doing now.

As I see it you don't have 2 relationships with any hope. You have none. Divorce your H - refuse his efforts to come back and fill his sponge. Also, cut it off with the OM for the 4 years. See, you sticking around for his scraps and attempts to bed you is horrible for your self esteem. While the OM waits his 4 years (I have doubts it's really his plan), you can look for a stable, solid, SINGLE man to be with. 

Then, after 4 years, if you haven't found that person, you can ring the OM and tell him "hey, your 4 year plan is over. Ready?" But hopefully, you won't ever need to call him again, because you'll have found somebody else. Someone good. Not your H, or the OM.

Comprende?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MOM must go, regardless the outcome of your marriage. They are separate issues. OM is a dead end. You know it, he knows it. It's all about temporal gratification. OM is not good news to you nor for your children.

It's a post I made to another WW, barely edited. T*ake what you need and leave the rest*. I'm sure you beelive your circunstances are special, that you are unique but in order to start thinking more clearly you must end (permanent No Contact) with OM. Period.



> Send OM a NC letter (There are templates, ask us)
> 
> Then you block him from your phone, from your social networks sites, from any avenue of comunication. You surrender whatever "affair tool" you are hiding, whatever back door, "just in case" way to reconect you know about.
> You get rid of mementoes, clothes, letters, gifts, pictures, you name it.
> ...


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> Maybe so. maybe I do have superficial remorse. And that's probably because of the way my husband treated me for many, many years. I cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job, did all of the laundry, did all of the grocery shopping. I massaged him 3x a week. My husband wanted for nothing - but always seemed to take advantage of me. He never really gave much in return. So I guess that's why I have little remorse. And I know that's not a good thing. All I ever wanted is to be happy. And I busted my ass with my husband for all of these years...holding our marriage together. My husband walked away from the marriage 10 times....TEN!! And each time I would talk to him, convince him to come back to me....and each time he did. Things would go well for months...and then....we would slide back into the arguing and stupid stuff.
> 
> So you see.....it's not like I didn't try. Most women would have said eff it after the 2nd or 3rd time their spouse decided to up and leave. But I didn't....I stuck it out because I loved this man more than life itself. I dealt with the verbal abuse....with so much. Maybe I finally snapped....who the eff knows. But you know what?? A person can only take being treated like sh*# for only so long. I worked this marriage the best I could.


Then you should've divorced him. There is *no* justification for infidelity. None. No concessions, no addenda. You know it, or you wouldn't be agonizing like you are.



InLovewith2 said:


> No, I'm not a cheater....it's not in my character to do what I did. If I were, I would have done this many years ago to him. But I didn't. I stuck by him....until he pushed me away for the last time. Maybe we should have divorced years ago. Who knows?? But my love for him was very strong....he destroyed that love by taking pieces of it away with his abuse.


Nope, you're still rationalizing. Being a cheater is an all or nothing thing. If something isn't in your nature, you don't do it, no matter the stimulus. Cheating doesn't come from a lack of options, it comes from a lack of respect: for your spouse and for your marriage. Because love is respect and charity (in the theological sense of wanting what's ultimately best for your spouse), not feelings of romance or sexual intimacy because those things are variable. And you've made it clear that you don't respect your spouse (and it's entirely likely that it's deserved if your description of the marriage is correct) and ultimately that led you to not respect your marriage. Which is why I posited that you are, in fact, simply mourning your self-image that you're a good, faithful wife.



InLovewith2 said:


> I know. Having feelings for both men is what is messed up right now. Common sense says to drop the OM. It's really complicated, though. I work with the OM - the good thing is that we are not in the same state. The bad thing? He can get me fired because he holds a pretty high position in the company. I make really good money....I'll never see this money ever again. My husband knows this. I'm trying to figure a way to get out of the affair without him knowing I'm back with my husband. If he knew I was going back to my husband, he would get so angry he would find a way to get me fired.
> 
> When we broke off the first time, he messed up my work....to the point that my boss asked if I was on drugs because the work submitted was so messed up. I put two and two together....I think that was his way of lashing out at me for breaking us up. But I know he would do something far worse now.


If you want to save your marriage, which I don't believe incidentally, then you have to get a new job. Absolute no contact is an inviolable rule of reconciliation. If you can't do that, then there's not a point in even trying. It'll always be there and your husband will always wonder.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> Maybe so. maybe I do have superficial remorse. And that's probably because of the way my husband treated me for many, many years. I cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job, did all of the laundry, did all of the grocery shopping. I massaged him 3x a week. My husband wanted for nothing - but always seemed to take advantage of me. He never really gave much in return. So I guess that's why I have little remorse. And I know that's not a good thing. All I ever wanted is to be happy. And I busted my ass with my husband for all of these years...holding our marriage together. My husband walked away from the marriage 10 times....TEN!! And each time I would talk to him, convince him to come back to me....and each time he did. Things would go well for months...and then....we would slide back into the arguing and stupid stuff.
> 
> So you see.....it's not like I didn't try. Most women would have said eff it after the 2nd or 3rd time their spouse decided to up and leave. But I didn't....I stuck it out because I loved this man more than life itself. I dealt with the verbal abuse....with so much. Maybe I finally snapped....who the eff knows. But you know what?? A person can only take being treated like sh*# for only so long. I worked this marriage the best I could. No, I'm not a cheater....it's not in my character to do what I did. If I were, I would have done this many years ago to him. But I didn't. I stuck by him....until he pushed me away for the last time. Maybe we should have divorced years ago. Who knows?? But my love for him was very strong....he destroyed that love by taking pieces of it away with his abuse.


Then you should have divorced him.
You allowed him to do you the way he did.
I know you love him, but love isn't stupid. (not saying you are)

You can love someone, but you can also be logical. If the love is not being reciprocated and you are being neglected and abused, you should draw a line in the sand. If he continued to cross that line then you do what is best for you and your children.
You gave him a lot, you were longsuffering, but at the point you knew you were doing wrong (and you knew you were) that is when you should have divorced him.
He brought a lot of grief into the marriage, but what have you accomplished by bringing more?

You now sit in a confused state, wondering what you should do.

The healthy thing is to drop the OM and go NC.
The feelings will fade with time..and only time.
You can't turn off emotions..they are chemically induced by the body.
All you can do is not respond to the negative urges they produce.

Your husband may have learned his lesson, or he may not have, but the decision lies with you to give the marriage a chance.
There is no viable future with this OM..he already has a family.
You should work on making yours healthy and that starts with NC with the OM.
Get your husband and yourself into some good counseling.
Possibly find a good church if you are not atheist.

But you and your husband need to start putting positives back into your marriage...there is already way too much negative.

You resent him. You have to get over the resentment

Love covers a multitude of faults if it is real love.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear InLovewith2,

A few reactions to your post:



InLovewith2 said:


> To answer some questions here:
> 
> I've been married 24 years.
> 
> ...


The bottom line is that you have screwed up your life, your H's life and your kids' lives and you are now looking for excuses to justify your actions and for reasons why you shouldn't have to start owning your decisions and correcting your mistakes. If you can't be honest with yourself and start doing what you know is right, there is very little hope for you.

Please, break it off with the OM and have a frank conversation with your H about your future together. If he's willing to try to fix your marriage, give it a chance. If he's not, move on with your life. But stop asking the good folks on TAM for a magic pill that will solve all your problems. Only you can solve your problems.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

mahike said:


> You are in a fog with this guy and not in love. This is all about excitment for you. Your husband looks like the hard road to travel and you like your fun, your ups.
> 
> That POS you are fing is all the good. No bills, no family issues, no leaving his dirty shorts on the floor. No real life issues. You are in love with the idea of being in love.
> 
> Get your butt into IC right now before you do anything. I bet you cannot stop seeing your POS OM but you probably text email and call him 50 times a day. Right? You are acting like a school girl writting I Love XX or Mrs XX. Nock that S#%T off



No, we text maybe several times a day. That's it.

We don't text much on weekends because he spends time with his daughter.

He used to email me, but no more of that either. Very little now. And no, it's not work emails....it's private emails to my home email address.

He backed off from heavy texting because he couldn't focus in work. I was the focus and that wasn't good.

I think he is trying not to fall in love with me right now. He already made a statement that if we were to fall in love, then how could we stand to be apart? 

THis guy is so opposite of my husband. He's a little overweight (it doesn't bother me) but he exercises. My husband is a weight lifting guru. I workout, too.


No phone calls....in the beginning we did, but he calls me once every two months or so.

I never write "I love you". No terms of endearment are ever used. At night, we write a couple of sentences to once another....and basically end it with "have a good night. Sleep well, xo". That's it. No sexting, no sexy pics....nothing. We might send a pic of ourselves saying hello....that's it.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

One thing I really need to say.....it is VERY difficult coming to a site like this and spilling your guts. I despised and loathed cheaters. I even confronted my husband's OW 10 years ago. She wasn't married, but I told her that my husband was married to ME and that she needed to stay away from him. I never threatened her, but I thought she would do the right thing. She didn't, but weeks later they broke up.

I hate the fact that I'm in this horrible situation. And it's not like I ever cheated before....I mean, give me a break, folks. I can't handle all of these emotions that I'm feeling....right or wrong, I'm feeling them.

I've come here to hopefully talk to some people who have cheated and got beyond the OM. From reading some posts, I guess I will have to start IC at some point. But with who? I mean, I was in MC a very long time ago for only about a month (yeah, I think we were married for about 3 or 4 years at the time - never continued with it because my husband said we would come out of MC and just fight - and he hated that). 

I'm just not sure where to start with all this.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> One thing I really need to say.....it is VERY difficult coming to a site like this and spilling your guts. I despised and loathed cheaters. I even confronted my husband's OW 10 years ago. She wasn't married, but I told her that my husband was married to ME and that she needed to stay away from him. I never threatened her, but I thought she would do the right thing. She didn't, but weeks later they broke up.


Again, you're blameshifting to justify your affair. If you don't own it 100% as your decision, conceived by you, rationalized by you, fostered by you, externalized by you into an physical affair, nothing I or anyone can do or say will fix your problems, either the immediate ones or the those that caused them.



InLovewith2 said:


> I hate the fact that I'm in this horrible situation. And it's not like I ever cheated before....I mean, give me a break, folks. I can't handle all of these emotions that I'm feeling....right or wrong, I'm feeling them.


It doesn't matter that you never did it before. It doesn't even matter if you never do it again. What matters is you did it, and you revealed a flaw in your character that you thought didn't exist. In fact, you stated previously that much of the dignity that you had in your marriage was tied up in your being a faithful spouse despite your husband's actions. I think that what's bothering you most is the fact that, when it comes down to it, you're ultimately no different than the person that you blame for causing it.



InLovewith2 said:


> I've come here to hopefully talk to some people who have cheated and got beyond the OM. From reading some posts, I guess I will have to start IC at some point. But with who? I mean, I was in MC a very long time ago for only about a month (yeah, I think we were married for about 3 or 4 years at the time - never continued with it because my husband said we would come out of MC and just fight - and he hated that).
> 
> I'm just not sure where to start with all this.


If you have any kind of insurance, then I'm sure there's a network of mental health professionals in your area. My suggestion would be to try a few. If you feel immediately comfortable or at ease with them, drop them and try the next. The last thing that you need is someone co-signing on your bad behavior. What you need most is someone that is going to call you out on your crap.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Start with your Health Insurance they may have a list of IC's and may pay for some or all of it.

You need to leave this guy as I said before you are in love with being in love.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

mahike said:


> Start with your Health Insurance they may have a list of IC's and may pay for some or all of it.
> 
> You need to leave this guy as I said before you are in love with being in love.


I will do that, thanks.

One other thing (and this is stemming because you guys are making me think). A couple of months ago, I found the OM and his W on Facebook. I told him that and I knew he was upset. Well, he wound up hiding his account and changing his wife's name on her account. How did I know about his wife's account change? Well, you know how your searches in FB stay...well, I noticed he changed her name to the spelling of her initials...I was surprised. Now, I'm not sure if he did the change or if he told her to make the change for "security purposes"...not sure. But I have a funny feeling he changed it.

The other thing was more recent. He had sent a pic of his daughter opening up a Christmas present. My daughter noticed a foot in the far background. When she walked away, I blew up the photo and realized it was his wife's foot. She's HUGE. I knew she was overweight (because he told me when I asked one time what she looked like), but this woman is very, very big. Her foot was so swollen...it was sad. When I told him my discovery, he got upset and didn't text me after that. Said to me, "I'm through sending pictures. I'm tired of you dicessting pictures pixel by pixel. Good night". Funny thing is that I only did that one other time....and it wasn't his wife in the background, it was a co-worker. I was busting on him for something....we laughed about that incident....but when it comes to his wife, he is protective. That's because he doesn't want her to find out. I guess he saw what the affair did to my marriage and he doesn't want that right now. He probably doesn't want his daughter to be upset with him...they are pretty close.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> *. . . He had sent a pic of his daughter opening up a Christmas present. My daughter noticed a foot in the far background . . .*


You're showing your daughter pictures of your lover's family? I hope I misunderstood because that sounds pretty screwed up to me.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

InLovewith2 said:


> If he knew I was going back to my husband, he would get so angry he would find a way to get me fired.
> 
> When we broke off the first time, he messed up my work....to the point that my boss asked if I was on drugs because the work submitted was so messed up.


Nice guy, I can see why you've fallen in love with him.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

INW2: Reading your original post, I can only say that there were many, many mistakes here and by doing what you are, you're just making even more.

Mistakes #1 and #2 is that neither you nor the OM did the right thing and filed for a divorce. Instead you both kicked the can down the road and viola, each of you met the other and you found all the things you were missing.

It's called the easy way out. That's one of the worst things about affairs. They are the easy way out. 

When your husband moved out and told you to move on with your life, you should have. That was the point to call it quits. Instead, you ran to you lover, he found himself a 28 year old, and both of you just kicked the can down the road further because it felt so good rather than doing the hard thing, which was to end the marriage.

Whether or not he's to blame for your marital problems, your husband did the right thing by moving out and trying to move on without you. But now, since neither of you took responsibility and instead further kicked the can down the road, it's getting perverse. Now he's toying with the idea of getting back together. 

And you? You say you love him? But you also say about the OM: "I actually love this guy very, very much. We bought Xmas gifts for one another - he even bought something for my daughter and I for his daughter."

Before this goes any further do EVERYBODY a favor and file for a divorce. This is not a marriage. It's a bad drama that's getting worse and who knows where it will end? 

If you're convinced you love the OM, then make a decision and stick with it . . . something that none of you have done to date.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Are you still texting the OM?
Have you texted him today?

Be honest.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

carmen ohio said:


> You're showing your daughter pictures of your lover's family? I hope I misunderstood because that sounds pretty screwed up to me.


I had this exact same thought. It sounds like your daughter knows about the OM, but his daughter doesn't know about you. I'd say that makes him smarter.

Gotta love a guy who goes for a skinnier AP once his wife gets big, and messes with his AP's work product to threaten her to not get back with her husband.

Sounds like a real winner you've got there. Geez.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Omg...please end all contact with the OM. His wife doesnt deserve that! 
Then try to get your marriage back on track. You both messed up so you can both recommit to making it work.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Luckily you guys are still in high school and will soon grow out of this immature behavior and act as adults.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

InLovewith2 said:


> I know. Having feelings for both men is what is messed up right now. Common sense says to drop the OM. It's really complicated, though. I work with the OM - the good thing is that we are not in the same state. The bad thing? He can get me fired because he holds a pretty high position in the company. I make really good money....I'll never see this money ever again. My husband knows this. I'm trying to figure a way to get out of the affair without him knowing I'm back with my husband. If he knew I was going back to my husband, he would get so angry he would find a way to get me fired.
> 
> When we broke off the first time, he messed up my work....to the point that my boss asked if I was on drugs because the work submitted was so messed up. I put two and two together....I think that was his way of lashing out at me for breaking us up. But I know he would do something far worse now.


What the f*ck!! So is this the OM you are raving about ? Maybe there is a good reason his wife sleeps in the other room


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

1. His wife has no idea about the "4 year plan"
2. He sleeps in the same bed as his wife and has regular sex.
3. He has no intention of leaving his wife for you.
4. You have a special connection
5. Wife/Husband is emotionally abusive
6. Wife does not understand him.

This is CLASSIC Married Man cheater speak. 

If you don't believe me. Which you don't..


Call his house. You have his home number right? Talk to him. If he isn't there you can leave a message to call you back.

Arrange to visit him at his house for dinner or lunch. Perhaps a meetup in the park with his kid and yours? 

The general rule for any new relationship is; 

If you would do it with a same sex friend it is okay to do with a new partner. 

You can't do any of that can you? Why? because he is a Lying Piece of trash who is using you. 


He is terrified that he is going to be exposed which is why he threatens you directly with loss of income and indirectly. 

You perhaps need to look at exactly WHO is the abuser in your life.

You need to take responsibility for the rest of your life. Your Husband moved on as best he could. 

Men who are heartbroken move fast. You continued the affair after exposure/confession and this would have ripped his heart out


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## imhopeless (Dec 18, 2012)

Loves2, this could be me. Only difference is H had already divorced me when we got involved again and I was already living with OM. Actually he is really SO and not OM since we didn't get involved until I was divorced. He even works at my office. And holds threat over my head if I end the relationship -- that he will take our baby girl. 

Please understand that when all this fog is cleared you are going to be so disgusted with yourself. The self loathing will be unbearable. Either that or you will do serious damage to your mental health trying to block out who you have become. Please. Please be good to yourself and end it with OM. There is nothing good that will ever come of that relationship. Since you are still married who knows maybe you will have a chance with your husband. But cut the OM immediately and don't look back. He doesn't love you or he would not be with his wife. Take it from me. Even though I have ended the involvement with my ex (who was remarried by the way ) I will probably always view myself as what I was doing. 

Oh I didn't say earlier that I was involved with ex and SO at same time. They both knew it which made it even more... Well I don't know what to call it


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

SoulStorm said:


> Are you still texting the OM?
> Have you texted him today?
> 
> Be honest.


Just said good morning. That was it. Nothing else was said or written.


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## InLovewith2 (Jul 21, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> I had this exact same thought. It sounds like your daughter knows about the OM, but his daughter doesn't know about you. I'd say that makes him smarter.
> 
> Gotta love a guy who goes for a skinnier AP once his wife gets big, and messes with his AP's work product to threaten her to not get back with her husband.
> 
> Sounds like a real winner you've got there. Geez.



My daughter doesn't know the OM. She only knows that he is a person I work with...that's it.


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