# I'm high, she's low



## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

So I know these threads are a dime a dozen. In our relationship of 4, going on 5 years it's the same story.

I'm nearly 41 and have an extremely strong sex drive. I don't want it more than once a day. However some times I want it 2 or 3 days in a row, others maybe 3 days in a week with breaks in between. But I'd say in average I want it 3 days a week. If I go more than about 4 days I really start to feel it emotionally and physically.

She is 38 and probably wants it once every couple weeks tops. At about 3 weeks she probably feels the same symptoms I get at 4 days.

So a typical week is me pursuing her and her telling me no, she's not in the mood. This becomes day after day of rejection, which leads me to feelings of inadequacy, unattractiveness, etc.

For her she says she feels like no matter how much we have sex it will never be enough, in terms of quantity. She says she's been in relationships before where she gave in to sex for the purpose of her partner wanting sex and she doesn't want that.

So we're left with her wanting my drive to drop and me wanting hers to increase. She feels it isn't realistic to somehow increase her drive any more than I feel it's realistic to shut mine down.

She never complains about the balancing of domestic duties, or our work, or not being a team, kid stuff, etc. She feels that how we operate as a home isn't what's affecting her drive.

I'm just feeling lost and stuck in this status quo situation. Here I am the guy with the girl who essentially controls 100% of our sex life. Looking for constructive solutions. 

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## BoroBoro (Sep 28, 2017)

Speaking firsthand I know that constant rejection can **** with your mind pretty bad if you let it. Other than the sex part how is the rest of your marriage? 


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

It's a dilemma, for sure. The good news is that females (generally, most of my friends were this way) get a real urge for sex in their early 40's. I don't have any advice. I have the opposite problem!


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

100% is too high. Negotiate to 50%.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

BoroBoro said:


> Speaking firsthand I know that constant rejection can **** with your mind pretty bad if you let it. Other than the sex part how is the rest of your marriage?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Other than sex everything else is on point. She's an amazing woman and I couldn't ask for a better life or parter. 

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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

bilbag said:


> 100% is too high. Negotiate to 50%.


This has been my thinking. I've suggested if we keep it at once every 4 days then we're roughly in the middle. I've also suggested that it not be a hard rule but rather an average. Maybe one weekend we have sex all weekend and I might go the whole week being fine. She still always falls back on she can't make herself want it. 

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.

My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.

You need to bring it back up and maintain it to stoke her responsive desire. 

Here's an article to get you started: How to Trigger Her Responsive Desire & Get the Sex You Want

You may never get sex as much as you want, if you are truly HD and she is truly LD, but you'll be able to ramp up the frequency enough that you'll be happier with it.

Good luck!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You _may_ be able to ramp things up if romancing her works, but things _may_ never reach the point where you are _happy_ with the frequency of your sex life. These mismatch situations seldom work out well, and the only solution is to live with it, or divorce so you can (try to) find someone who is better matched. I took the latter route, so divorcing my ex was the best decision I ever made. My second wife is on my level sexually, and she is also far more compatible, so a double win. YMMV.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

FeministInPink said:


> @BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.
> 
> My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.
> 
> ...


I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered. 

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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Are you willing to walk away over this or not? That will influence what your options are.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Bananapeel said:


> Are you willing to walk away over this or not? That will influence what your options are.


I think at this stage walking away is premature. I'd rather work on fixing the issue vs throwing all the other great stuff away, you know, baby with the bathwater sort of thing. 

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BuddyL33 said:


> I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered.


Then... you're probably screwed. 

Try checking out this book, maybe it will help:
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> @BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.
> 
> My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.
> 
> ...


Stroke her Responsive Desire?

I have been fervently looking for that 'R' spot for 55 years, at 100 mph.

It must be 'awful' small as I cannot find it.
And it must move around a lot.

Kinda like one of those worms that get under your skin. You can see em' movin' ! :grin2:


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

BuddyL33 said:


> This has been my thinking. I've suggested if we keep it at once every 4 days then we're roughly in the middle. I've also suggested that it not be a hard rule but rather an average. Maybe one weekend we have sex all weekend and I might go the whole week being fine. She still always falls back on she can't make herself want it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


It seems like she doesn't understand how important sex is for you. And therefore she won't change until you convince her. I suppose there are many ways of communicating this. But people do change. They can get worse. But hopefully better. I've been with my LD spouse for 23yrs and it's a struggle, but she's the love of my life. She is making an effort to want it.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Women love being perused until they are sick of it. They flip a switch and mostly it's based on annoyances or some sort of animosity being built up. It's ridiculous, and unless you talk and try to maintain a healthy sex life from the beginning, you'll start to take it for granted and then poof.

So, you only really have one option. She has to want you. How do women want men that they have sexually soured on? They need to know that her man is desired by other women and that he doesn't NEED her. 

Do you hit the gym? If not, join one. Make time to go. Start doing your own thing, but not in an angry way, but in a disassociation way. When she feels you peeling away, she will either be happy (then, you've learned something) or try to reel you back in. Don't get angry, don't make it about sex. Just say you are working on yourself and you want to be happy.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

bilbag said:


> It seems like she doesn't understand how important sex is for you. And therefore she won't change until you convince her. I suppose there are many ways of communicating this. But people do change. They can get worse. But hopefully better. I've been with my LD spouse for 23yrs and it's a struggle, but she's the love of my life. She is making an effort to want it.


See, this is bogus. OF COURSE she knows. All women know. Women know men want to sex sex sex. It would be ridiculous for him NOT to want it, which is really the only way to go...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Gatekeeping at year 4? With the benefit of my 25 years of hindsight, I’d get out sooner rather than later. Your chance of success is very very small. And essentially zero with your don’t rock the boat approach. 


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BuddyL33 said:


> I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered.


Then your only option for having a satisfying sex life is to divorce and seek another partner. Period. Full stop.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

Herschel said:


> See, this is bogus. OF COURSE she knows. All women know. Women know men want to sex sex sex. It would be ridiculous for him NOT to want it, which is really the only way to go...


Why not men want to (sex)^2 or (sex)^0.5? She's not really sure.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> BuddyL33 said:
> 
> 
> > I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered.
> ...


I agree. I don't think anything is going to change this. This is your life. Unless you change partner. If you don't, I bet you will be in this same position 5 years down the road. But older.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your lack of sex is not your problem. Your wife not caring about such an important issue is your problem. Her refusal to take care of you is tantamount to refusing to allow you medication if you had malady.

Sex is one of the prime necessities for me to keep me from going NVTS, nuts. 

Although frequency of medication has slipped from once a day to only a few times a week since sometime after I hit the double nickels, sadly. What's a man to do?

My wife says any wife who would ever say no is being cruel, and should have everything she ever wanted withheld. Shred her credit cards and give her shoes to charity. For the first several years of our marriage Mary was usually not in the mood but always said yes with enthusiasm and was always a great sport about it.

I think I recall hearing her say once it was good exercise even if she wasn't interested in sex that day. And she always made good exercise of it.

I have to reach back a long way to remember when Mary wasn't horny, so it's not easy to recall. Since '91 she has been a house on fire.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, you know, next year she will only want sex once a month, and with her rule that she only has sex when SHE wants it, you will just have to do without.

With so much selfishness, you are better off getting out.

It isn't the sex. You need to be rid of someone who does not care about your needs.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> Are you willing to walk away over this or not? That will influence what your options are.





BuddyL33 said:


> I think at this stage walking away is premature. I'd rather work on fixing the issue vs throwing all the other great stuff away, you know, baby with the bathwater sort of thing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


You don't necessarily have to walk, just be willing to walk to get the desired response. If you aren't willing to walk and she doesn't care to change things then you are screwed and not in the way you desire. 

There are two basic attitudes that determines whether limiting sex will be effective by a spouse. One attitude is essentially that your spouse is the gatekeeper and you'll need to get her to value your desires enough to make a change (this attitude goes with a spouse that withholds). The other attitude is that you are the only one in control of your sex life and your spouse is welcome to share that with you or you'll find someone else that is more compatible and the new woman will get all the benefits of being with you (this attitude goes with a spouse that doesn't withhold). It's not manipulation, but rather just understanding yourself and your needs and being willing to establish boundaries that support your desires. 

Just to put things into perspective, but if you were to divorce your wife and she'd re-enter the dating scene she wouldn't be withholding sex from the new guys she dates because she'd know they'd walk. So her only power to control your sex life is the power you give to her. I know that when women I date say they won't do something in bed I just laugh because I know they aren't willing to trade their shot with me for a silly sexual hang-up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BuddyL33 said:


> Other than sex everything else is on point. She's an amazing woman and I couldn't ask for a better life or parter.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk





BuddyL33 said:


> I think at this stage walking away is premature. I'd rather work on fixing the issue vs throwing all the other great stuff away, you know, baby with the bathwater sort of thing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Been there done that. I am older and have been married longer (46+years), pretty much the same situation. 

Gradually my wife and I drifted apart until we had a sex starved marriage. Her low desire became no desire. It was partly my fault. Ultimately, I figured out the problem between her and me and we started marriage counseling with a sex therapist.

The ST asked my wife what she thought would happen to our marriage if she never again had sex with me. After a lot of hesitation, my wife said we would probably divorce. 

The ST then asked me if I had thought of divorce. I told the two of them that I had, that I had studied the divorce laws in our state as to time lines and reasons for divorce. I also said that I had promised myself that by a certain major milestone date that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman and I hoped it would be my wife, but if my wife couldn't, then I would divorce her and find someone else.

The ST helped us both think about and define what a loving sexual marriage would like like and helped us negotiate the frequency of sex that we both could handle. It is lover than my desired 3 times a week, and higher than her once a week to once every week and a half to two weeks.

What I learned along the way is that my wife is LD compared to me. I might be LD compared to another woman I might have married. My level of desire my wife's level of desire are not right or wrong and neither of us needs to be fixed. We just needed to negotiate something that meets both our needs and we can each live with. What I also learned is that my wife really, really likes and enjoys sex, just not anywhere near as often as I do. Just because her desire is lower than mine doesn't mean she doesn't like or enjoy sex (when it is at her frequency).

My advice is that this is bothering you. Your wife probably knows what bothers you and just isn't talking about it. It is the elephant in the room and it will not go away with age. Tell her that she isn't wrong in her level of sexual drive or desire, but that you would like to go to marriage counseling with her and see if the two of you can't discuss this and work out some kind of compromise that each of you can live with. 

Tell her that you need the marriage counseling to help you and that you are not looking for it to force her to change herself.

Good luck.

P.S. Yes this is very common.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Then... you're probably screwed.


LOL... That's cold as ice.



Herschel said:


> She has to want you. How do women want men that they have sexually soured on? They need to know that her man is desired by other women and that he doesn't NEED her.


This. Solid advice.



BuddyL33 said:


> I'm high, she's low


Total fallacy. This is up there with "woman want nice guys." She's not low. She's low WITH YOU. She'd love to smash a Chad. She probably masturbates behind your back.

As stated, she's completely soured on you. Whether its cause you've gotten older, built up resentment from fights, out of shape, bored relationship, etc. etc. whatever.

The petty solution for a LD wife? Make her jealous. Get in better shape than her, dress better than her, make HER feel insecure because you look like THA BOMB all the time. 

This is a win/win solution for you because either A) she will throw herself at you to keep you or B) you will already be in prime shape to replace her after you file for denial of sex.

Does this advice sound ridiculous? Completely. Is it manipulative? Perhaps. Trust me when I tell you she's in control right now not you. Do you want your balls back or not?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> > Then... you're probably screwed.
> ...


Yeah, OK, maybe it was. In the moment, I think I was irritated at the way someone responded to me in another thread. And I did still make a book suggestion, so I haven't given up all hope!

But I'm not very hopeful, even so... I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but there are so many people who come here, posting because they have a sexual drive mis-match in their marriages. A lot of them, like the OP, seem to be doing the right things and are still not getting their needs met. But they also don't want to leave the marriage because they love their partner, so they settle for staying and never getting what they really need to be happy.

It makes me sad, because I want people to be happy. I want the OP to be happy, and I want him to get all the sex that he wants. But I'm skeptical that he'll be able to get half that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Been married 18 years now.


At first the sex was 1x month.


Then it got to 2x week


Now its back to 1x month


Today its 1x every 2 months on average.


There isn't anything you can really do. Don't pester her for sex because she will always say all you want is sex....but the reason you initiate sex is due to the complete lack of it.


When married a hubby is to take care of his wife's needs as his own and a wife is to take care of her hubby's needs as her own.


Many people today are selfish and seem to be only in it for themselves.


She is LD


You are HD.


You basically sound just like me. Glad to see there are others just like myself.


Solution, buy yourself a really good sex toy, in the hundreds $$$. When the mood strikes you, get the sex toy out. This way, you never pester your LD wife.


LD spouses never see their low sex drives as the problem. It's always not their fault and the HD does all the comprising in the end. Just the way it is, which is sad.


Get out more, gym, new friends, socializing, use the sex toy often, etc. Either she clues in her marriage is in trouble and starts getting a healthy sex drive or she never will.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

Fill her emotional needs and she'll begin to fulfill your sexual needs. We are pretty simple to please. Lots of time, attention, and being helpful around the house,etc., helps women desire their spouse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Loveless17 said:


> Fill her emotional needs and she'll begin to fulfill your sexual needs. We are pretty simple to please. Lots of time, attention, and being helpful around the house,etc., helps women desire their spouse.


You'll find plenty of guys around these parts who have done all that and more... and have little to show for it. _YOU_ may be simple to please, but that doesn't work with everyone. For some, LD is LD, and no amount of time, attention, foot rubs and back massages, vacuuming, flowers, dates, gourmet cooking, and loving words can change it.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Loveless17 said:


> Fill her emotional needs and she'll begin to fulfill your sexual needs. We are pretty simple to please. Lots of time, attention, and being helpful around the house,etc., helps women desire their spouse.


If only you knew. I plaything role of a good partner. If she's busy with work or projects, I pick up the slack. I already cook nearly every night if the week and handle the majority of the housework. If she needs to nap or rest, I take care of what needs done. She never once complains about her needs being met. In fact she says our relationship is the best thing she's ever been in.

Yet here I sit feeling inadequate and uninticing. 

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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Be prepared for the ?nice guy? accusations lol. You?ll figure out eventually that things just aren?t going to change. It usually takes a decade or so of trying all the recommended solutions to no avail.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BuddyL33 said:


> In fact she says our relationship is the best thing she's ever been in.
> 
> Yet here I sit feeling inadequate and uninticing.


And there you will sit as long as you accept this situation. Not that you will be alone. I am sitting in the same place. Lots of us are. Plenty of idiots accepting crap sandwiches.

As others have said, your wife may not be willing to have sex with you, but if you divorced her she would be giving blow jobs to every guy she dated. Happened to one of my wife's best friends. Years ago I overheard her talking to other women shortly after we all had kids "I hope my husband got all that sex stuff of his system before we had kids, because I did, and I don't intend to do that stuff with him. He stayed "for the kids". Last kid went to college. He filed for divorce. Wife was devastated. She never saw it coming. Now she is dating some guy from out of town. The new guy gets booty calls from 200 miles away, even though he is not around and doesn't do anything for her (money, time, honey-do list). The ex-husband couldn't get a mercy screw sleeping in the same bed, paying for everything (she was SAHM) and kissing her butt. Was his wife LD? No, she just didn't have any respect for him and did not feel the need to put out. Now she is alone and has no money and she knows she has to put out to keep the new guy interested. Amazing how that works.


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