# Need male opinions, advice please...



## Acacia (Jun 25, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Many of those years have been happy. After the death of his father, my husband spiraled into a depression and had an affair with a co-worker. We saw a marriage counselor, things improved and we both decided to stay in the marriage. 

The next few years were happy but since the birth or our daughter 5 years ago he acts more like my room mate. On a day to day basis we get along great. We act like good friends and are a good family but by my measure we are no longer a couple.

I don't suspect an affair. No blocks of unaccounted time. And yet our relationship is void of any expression of romantic love between us emotionally or physically. While this seems to be enough for him it is not enough for me. I feel emotionally abandoned by him. Although I have asked to spend time together he never seems to find the time. 

when I try to talk about this with him it just goes in the same frustrating circle. He says that we will spend more time together but it never happens. He says that he loves me but from where I sit he does not act like it. One valentine's day he did not even say I love you. Ouch! And I should mention that he is not one of those guys who does not know how to show emotion or affection.

He also tells me that he feels that I am mad at him and that I hate him. It is hard for me to understand this. How can he possibly feel unloved after I worked so hard to save our marriage after his affair? I am also the one asking for dates, time together and even sex. He seems to be the one that is not responding. 

I can't deny that I am mad at him. My anger is born out of the frustration of not being able to help me move our relationship out of this horrible space. I did not start out angry but after 5 years it is hard not to be upset when he insists that he does want to be together but then completely neglects the relationship.

Limbo is a hard place for me to be. I need to resolve problems and move on. For me that either means becoming a couple again or getting a divorce. At this point any resolution is better than this eternally painful holding pattern.

Any guys out there that could give me some insight into this from his point of view? I don't what to break up our family for our daughter's sake but I am really out of ideas. What would you do if you were me?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Is he on depression meds? Meds can wonk out the whole oxytocin cycle, so he's not feeling the "love". Or, more specifically, he doesn't need to feel it or crave it...he just thinks everything is peachy.

I'm not too certain about why he thinks you don't love him, though. Are you meeting his needs? Have you read the book...the five love languages?

What about family life? Does your daughter consume all your time? Is it hard to find some time at the end of the day to just be alone together? Sometimes if you don't, it turns into a bad habit of just accepting it. What about him? Is he stressing over everything? Trying to get everything done in a day? This too is a bad habit because then he never will make time for togetherness.

How do you portray your displeasure? Do you silently accept it? Or do you bring this up too him in a non blaming fashion? Or do you tie into him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

IMO there are many things that could be going on here and a lot of them fall at your husband's feet such as the depression. You won't be able to change that unless he's taking the lead there.

I do think the one thing you could do is think back, especially before his father's passing, about things he dreamed about and hoped for from the marriage. It sounds like he does love you but a lot of his actions are driven by obligation rather than desire. 

I sometimes feel that with my wife lately - I have communicated till blue in the face what I need from her and she is apparently unable/unwilling to give to me. So, as time wore on, I became somewhat depressed at the lose/lose situation in front of me. We go through the motions but I can't feel the emotional connection from her, and thus I become flat myself. And while she did not notice her own emotional withdrawal from the marriage, she did notice my withdrawal in response. I wonder if you might be going through something similar.


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