# My mother lives with my wife and I, Wife is asking me to move her out



## 454545 (Mar 7, 2021)

hello all!

wanted to get some points of view on the following matter:

My mother lives with my wife and I. We do not take care of my mother, and she still lives a very independent life. My mother works 9-5, spend the weekends out of the house hanging with grandchildren (my Brother and Sister have kids) and my aunts (her sisters) and generally is very much out of our way. My mother never "third wheels" with us or hangs out in living room, or anything like that while we're around. She definitely tries to stay in the margin of our lives and respects our space and privacy. The one thing my mother does do, is pick up after me in the kitchen and sometimes will do things like take out the trash, or clean up around the house if it's beginning to look messy.

My wife has repeatedly expressed to me that she really wishes my mother didn't live with us so that we could live "our life" and have it be "just us two." My wife states that my mother being in the same home is enabling me to be lazy and messy because at some point "your mom will just clean it up." I do agree with this point and have validated to my wife that yes, I do sometimes choose to be lazy because I know my mom will help out. I don't deny this at all. I do all the cooking for my wife and mother, so sometimes help cleaning up in the kitchen is nice.

We just recently learned that my wife is pregnant and she has been even more vocal about my mom moving out. I feel incredibly conflicted because other than the "enabling you to be lazy" point, my wife has never brought up any other reason for my mother to move out. It's just the two reasons she always states:


I want to live "our life, just us two"
Your mom enables you to be lazy

I am conflicted because:

My mom is already out of our way 95% of the time
I don't want to kick my mother out. She doesn't make a whole lot so I'd have to help her out financially if she did have to move out
Culturally, I was brought up in a multi-generational household and it is absolutely normal to be for my mother to stay with me until she dies. I was brought up very "family stick together" so I feel lots of guilt if I had to kick my mom out. Also the optics of the rest of my family seeing me throw my mother out. It's all very much against what I want to do.
My mother has sacrificed so much for me to be able to get ahead in life, I always felt her living with me and me helping put a roof over her head was me repaying her, so it's very hard to think I'd now do the opposite
With a baby on the way and us being first time parents, I think we're going to need all the help we can get, so moving my mother out (who has raised 3 children of her own, and has 6 grandkids she helped raise) is counter-intuitive to this

The more my wife pressures and asks me to move my mother out, the more I begin to feel resentment towards her. I feel very conflicted with what my wife is asking of me and what I really want to do. My wife has started to say things like "we have to do what's best for our family" hinting at our baby-to-come, but it just feels like she's being emotionally manipulative because my mother is not a financial or emotional or health burden, and if anything, my mother is a contribution to our household.

I have begun to think the motivation from my wife to move my mother out is pure emotion-based and just from what I've seen how her own mother treats her (not great bordering on straight-up mean) I feel that perhaps my wife seeing me and my mom have a neutral symbiotic relationship infuriates her and is perhaps envious of it...? I don't know, me trying to deduce her motivation to something more concrete than "I don't want anyone in the house, even if they're totally out of our way and you need to clean up after yourself more" has driven me to this. 

Any help, points of view, or recommended reading is appreciated. thanks all!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your mom can go live with your brother or sister, then.

Wanting to live with your husband only and not your husband _and his mom_ is valid enough reason all on its own.

Before you got married did you tell your wife your mother would be living with you for the rest of her life?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your marriage and family come first. Your mother can manage without living with you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Move your mom out. 

Grown adults leave their parents and start their own families for a reason.

I suspect if you allow this to continue, your wife will not be your wife for much longer. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Did your wife have any input on whether your mum would be living with you or not? If not, why not?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

454545 said:


> hello all!
> 
> wanted to get some points of view on the following matter:
> 
> ...


Both family structures are valid ones. Anyone who tells you otherwise is holding a bias. What you are describing as your idea of a family is indeed older, but it doesn't make it any less valid.

The thing is that you have to make a decision as to which family is more important to you. And only you can decide that. No doubt (and I haven't read beyond your OP making this response) you will get many replies that your wife is the more important. Again you are the only one who can decide that. Now if you at any point gave your wife the idea that your mom would not always be with you, then you have responsibility at least in part for this situation. However, if you made it clear your mom would be there for as long as mom wanted, then your wife is the problem, wanting to change what was said. But then we hit the third possibility. The issue was never discussed. I'm willing to put money down that this was the case.

You and your wife entered into a marriage with both of you having different ideas as to what to expect over the long haul. I am also betting that you are the eldest, thus this responsibility falls to you, in your world view.

You are in a hard position and no it's not easy to make a decision here. You are going to have to do a lot of soul searching here and decide which lifestyle is who you truly are. If this does result in you no longer being married, then after this, you will learn to make sure future potential partners are fully aware of your dedication to your mother. And there _are _women out there who are willing to be part of this arrangement.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Grown man lives with mommy = no no. Your wife is right dude.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My husband comes from a culture where families live together and my mil is very much in your face and quite difficult. We’ve had her out to stay several times and it’s actually my husband that can’t wait for her to go home. 😬

I would have no problem with her living here but hey even husbands and wives have issues living in the same roof, so I guess there’s always a conflict. 

I’m leaning more towards your side, but is there a small possibility that your mum might be difficult or does she behave differently when you’re not around for your wife to feel this strongly?? You might see your mum one way, but there may be other ways your wife feels her space being invaded? You need to determine if there’s something more to it, or if your wife really has other issues going on.
Do you spend enough time with your wife and make her feel important? 

My husband would struggle with his wife and mum under the same roof so he just wants us both continents apart 😆 I get it, I wouldn’t want my parents around either.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I love my mom but, unless her life depended on it, she is not living with us!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Me, I wouldn't throw my mother under the bus, but was this a joint decision when she came to live with you and your wife? Or is it just your wife being petty about your mum?

I bet you that if she would have the kind of relationship with her mother like you do with yours and she would be in need to bring her mother in, she wouldn't think twice that there's a problem. Since the down of times women have being doing this, but when it's time for the man to do it, in general there's always a problem with the wife.
Now, your mother could be a very good asset in your home with a child coming into the equation.

Your decision man.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

This seems to be a cultural issue.

I would never allow my MIL to live with us, but that is considered culturally odd where I live. This needs to be. discussion and should have been agreed upon before marriage. I understand your wife's need for space and to feel like the head of the household rather than needing to respect another woman under the same roof. And the mommy/son dynamic would get old. Its not just laziness causing issues, but her watching you interact as mother and son is likely a huge turn-off.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Find a decent place for your mom to live and pay her rent. Your wife wants to enjoy the new baby without a third parent around. The situation is one current issue and one future issue. Current issue is what I have already said about the baby coming. The future issue is if you side with mom over your wife you are going to have big problems, what your wife was saying without saying it is see is seeing you as a child being taken care of by mommy and that is pretty unattractive to women.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When the decision was made that your mother would live with you and your wife, did you allow your wife to be in on the discussion early on. Resentment can really grow if you treat someone as marginal. it does sound as if your Mother keeps to herself a lot. Is it a problem with sharing bathrooms? is there a traffic jam in the kitchen? Do you have Wifi so that everyone can watch the show they want whenever they want? Be on a phone call whenever and for unlimited times.

As one person mentioned, your Mother will naturally share in the care of her grandchild. Have you thought about moving to a bigger place or adding another room to your house?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another cultural thing with us, where families live together it’s generally accepted that the wife, if she was living in in-laws house, has a discussion before housework and meals are done. For example it’s respectful to ask first. This applies if mother in law lives in son’s house, she wouldn’t be cleaning up or cooking without asking the wife. 

So for example, I would always ask my daughter-in-law if she needed help, I wouldn’t just clean up after my son because that would be seen as making the wife redundant on her turf. 

So when I’m visiting my in-laws, I understand MIL is the one who will decide what the men will eat, how she will clean. When she was visiting here, I was grateful for help when I needed it, but my husband was very firm that he didn’t want his mum doing his washing or doing any cooking. 

So I understand your wife’s position, I would happily live with my mother-in-law and come to some kind of agreement, but I wouldn’t like her to be doing too much for my husband. Tough one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wives and mother in laws torment each other and pick on each other and get digs on each other all the time when the husband/son isn’t watching. 

They may seem to get along and may seem to be treating each other when you are in the room, but the second your back is turned, they are taking pokes at each other.

Sometimes they are taking pokes at each other in front of you but you can’t see it because they’re doing it with their woman-telepathy. 

Trust me, they hate each other even when they say they don’t. If you want to live in peace, one will need to go or at least be in a separate building. 

Even in tribes in the subsahara, the mother in laws are at least in a separate mud hut.


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## 454545 (Mar 7, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Both family structures are valid ones. Anyone who tells you otherwise is holding a bias. What you are describing as your idea of a family is indeed older, but it doesn't make it any less valid.
> 
> The thing is that you have to make a decision as to which family is more important to you. And only you can decide that. No doubt (and I haven't read beyond your OP making this response) you will get many replies that your wife is the more important. Again you are the only one who can decide that. Now if you at any point gave your wife the idea that your mom would not always be with you, then you have responsibility at least in part for this situation. However, if you made it clear your mom would be there for as long as mom wanted, then your wife is the problem, wanting to change what was said. But then we hit the third possibility. The issue was never discussed. I'm willing to put money down that this was the case.
> 
> ...


thanks for the unbiased response. my mother living with us was agreed upon prior to marriage and also prior to even living together while dating. My wife has always known my intent on keeping a roof over my mother's head, it hasn't been a surprise. 

thank you for putting it clear on me having to make a decision and being held accountable for it. I appreciate the advice!


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## 454545 (Mar 7, 2021)

NextTimeAround said:


> When the decision was made that your mother would live with you and your wife, did you allow your wife to be in on the discussion early on. Resentment can really grow if you treat someone as marginal. it does sound as if your Mother keeps to herself a lot. Is it a problem with sharing bathrooms? is there a traffic jam in the kitchen? Do you have Wifi so that everyone can watch the show they want whenever they want? Be on a phone call whenever and for unlimited times.
> 
> As one person mentioned, your Mother will naturally share in the care of her grandchild. Have you thought about moving to a bigger place or adding another room to your house?


thanks, and sorry I didn't specify! Yes, my wife was well aware of my intent of keeping a roof over my mother's head. I've been in this role ever since my father left and I was very explicit with my wife even prior to moving in together while dating that my mother would be in the picture.

No shared bathrooms whatsoever, and my wife does not cook, so she's never in the kitchen and we have very minimal overlap in our day-to-day so I opportunities for my mother to even be annoying are within a 1-2 hour window every day around dinner time, but even then, my mother mostly eats and heads to her room immediately after.


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## 454545 (Mar 7, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Another cultural thing with us, where families live together it’s generally accepted that the wife, if she was living in in-laws house, has a discussion before housework and meals are done. For example it’s respectful to ask first. This applies if mother in law lives in son’s house, she wouldn’t be cleaning up or cooking without asking the wife.
> 
> So for example, I would always ask my daughter-in-law if she needed help, I wouldn’t just clean up after my son because that would be seen as making the wife redundant on her turf.
> 
> ...


this is awesome, thank you. we currently don't have a dynamic at all like this. I can see if this would help us at all. thanks!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If she is nice, cheerful and cleans, cooks and looks after the kids, why not? But then I come from a family like the OP's...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Thanks for the added info, it sounds like you had to step into a role when your dad became absent, and you’ve been a great son. A lot was expected of you, maybe too much. That must have been very hard for you. And there’s a bond there between you and mum, but it’s served it’s time. 

Mum is independent now, and you’ve stepped into one role already - husband - and a new role is coming - father. So mum has to gradually take a step back, especially now that your wife is going to need to form her own bond with her baby. Also, taking into perspective cultural norms, your wife is the lady of the house now, not mum. (Why is she never in the kitchen/not cooking?) A new outlook is needed.

I can sense her fear as the arrival of the baby draws near, is it possible that she’s so redundant in the home that she may worry you and your mum will take over completely? I could be wrong but it might be that you and mum are so close and have lived together for so long that she’s had to do more adapting and may feel like she’s not needed at all, in any way? Mum is always going to be your mum, but it’s not ‘you two’ anymore. I don’t see your mum as annoying at all. 

As I said, I might have completely misunderstood things, but you mention resentment and might seem resistant to change. Changes were due long ago and changes are coming. You come from a place of understanding so I’m sure that you saw what your mum endured with an absent father. You can respect your culture in all ways by being a husband and father now and respecting the new rules.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I also have a son and don’t see being a mum as making sacrifices. They didn’t ask to be born. My children absolutely owe me nothing, nothing at all in the future! It’s my job to raise them without any expectation that they need to pay me back one day. I am the parent, they are the children. And when they’re adults, I’m still mum, and they’re still the children. It may not be the case with you, but in our culture many of us are in therapy, and something called ‘parentification’ was very useful in helping us undo this outdated view that children needed to pay back parents. 

It becomes a real issue in many marriages. Sometimes it’s the adult children being unable to break away from parents and understanding their roles as spouses, they simply cannot function in a marriage. And also applies to parents who expect to be catered to for the rest of their lives... because they had to actually... raise children. 

You might be surprised and find your mum also wants some independence? 

Take a step back and let your wife or mum cook sometimes? Mum and wife are having all their food cooked by you, and mum is cleaning up. You may be parenting everybody and that can’t be easy for anyone.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't quite see what the problem is here. Your mom is working and obviously active. Why would she live with you? Usually this sort of issue crops up when a parent is elderly or infirm. Your wife's request is perfectly reasonable and valid especially with a child on the way. 

My wife and I went back and forth about her mom coming to live with us after her dad passed away. We decided not to and she went to an assisted living facility where she has help, friends and activities. She goes on and on about her friends and it's done her a world of good. As the poster above says, doesn't she want her own independence?


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Normally I’d agree that if the mother wanted to come live with her son knowing full well that it would be an irritation to his wife who wasn’t _expecting _this to be a part of her life, that it would be a very hard decision. The wife might be very resentful. 

But he said this :


454545 said:


> my mother living with us was agreed upon prior to marriage and also prior to even living together while dating. My wife has always known my intent on keeping a roof over my mother's head, it hasn't been a surprise.


She knew going into it that this is what was going to happen. Now she’s changed her mind. What a horrible spot to put the son in. And now _he’s _the one that’s going to be resentful of his wife while his mother just gets older and more dependent. I guess she’ll probably end up in a lovely living facility. I couldn’t personally live with that kind of guilt. Maybe if his wife practiced inclusion and endearing herself to the quite frankly, very accommodating and peaceful sounding mother, rather than try to divide the son from the person that birthed him and cared for him, she’d be a lot better off.

Let’s face it. Who wants to live with their mother in law? But he was obviously concerned about this when they were dating even and he trusted her not to pull the choose me or your mother card.

Now she’s got the ace in the hole of having their baby so she’s going to play that for what it’s worth.

I don’t understand people abandoning their parents. Never have. Never will. We’re all going to get old and need help. How would you all feel if it was you and you couldn’t support yourself for whatever reason, your spouse has died, and you turn to your son for help and he tells you, “yeaaaa sorry Ma, beat it ... the wifey doesn’t want you around.”


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

454545 said:


> hello all!
> 
> wanted to get some points of view on the following matter:
> 
> ...


If I were your wife, I would divorce you if you wouldn't kick your mother out. She didn't marry your mother. She didn't become an adult and start a new life with a mate to live with your mother. Maybe you just need to go your separate ways and you can just keep living with your mother the rest of your life.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Your wife comes first. Wanting her own home with just you and the forthcoming child is not an unreasonable request at all. If you don't want your wife to get resentful about this issue I suggest you make the move to have your mom move.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can see both sides of this honestly, and while it does seem unfair that your wife appears to be going back on her word, knowing what you're getting into and living that something are two very different things.

Is there a happy medium OP? Is building a separate, self contained space for your Mum on your property an option? Or moving to a bigger home with separate living areas and its own little kitchen?

My husband and I have talked with my Mum about this kind of thing for when she gets older, she's just moved closer to us and if/when we move she'll come with us. We all agree though that her space will be either up the other end of the home, with it's own entrance; or a separate space on the property that is self contained. She doesn't want to live under the same roof as us so she too has her privacy and some independence.

Does it have to be all or nothing?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

454545 said:


> thanks for the unbiased response. my mother living with us was agreed upon prior to marriage and also prior to even living together while dating. My wife has always known my intent on keeping a roof over my mother's head, it hasn't been a surprise.
> 
> thank you for putting it clear on me having to make a decision and being held accountable for it. I appreciate the advice!


I don't know what kind of options you have here, in terms of a compromise. can your siblings help support your mom if you do move her out?

It's a lousy situation to be in, that's for sure, because your wife knew the terms and agreed to it beforehand. One thing that would be unfortunate: she's making this complaint in bad faith, i.e. she doesn't really have a problem with your mom living there, but just wants to see you jump, when she says jump. Or she entered into the arrangement not liking it up front, but figuring she could renege on it and force you to choose between your mom or her.

So you move your mom out... is she going to really be happy, or will she just move on to the next issue she decides you need to change for her to be happy? 

You see houses that have "mother-in-law" suites, basically unattached one bedroom bungalows or studios in the backyard, so a parent can live with their kids, while not being in the same structure at least. maybe that's an option if you have space. 

Presumably you'll have to take your mom back in sooner or later anyway, when she can't work any longer. What will your wife say then? And can you trust her, after going back on her promise once already?

This kind of thing makes me really uneasy. I experienced it in my prior marriage and it shocked me how cold blooded it was for a husband or wife to force their spouse to choose between their relations or the spouse. being far-sighted like I am, I imagined it would only get worse when my parents were elderly and my XW would be telling me to put them in the cheapest nursing home possible to save money, basically passing a death sentence on them. Yikes...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally think if your wife had a reason other than what you mentioned, I’d say move her out. But your mom stays out of sight, helps out, Isn’t a problem really. So I don’t think it’s all that fair. If your mom was like most moms and daughter in-laws, no she’s need to go. She doesn’t sound like it.

also, your wife might just find that having your mom there to help would be handy as heck. Or your mom might interfere and make your wife feel like your mom was bird digging her Every move. Doesn’t sound like your mom is like that.
I hope you let her stay. She sounds like a wonderful, easy. To live with person to me. 
your wife has given no real reasons they can’t coexist. There’s a fine line between listening to your spouses concerns and being a doormat. Which are you doing?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> This kind of thing makes me really uneasy. I experienced it in my prior marriage and it shocked me how cold blooded it was for a husband or wife to force their spouse to choose between their relations or the spouse.


To be fair, there are some occasions where it's appropriate to make your spouse choose...one that I can think of right now that actually happened to someone I know is when he and his wife announced their pregnancy, his parents wrote a cheque for an abortion and put it in their christmas card. True story. I said to my husband that if his parents ever did that, and he EVER saw or spoke to them again, we'd be done and I'd fight him tooth and nail every inch of the way before I'd let him see the child. 

Another one I read about was a grandmother referring to her grandson (bi racial) as a 'monkey'. How disgraceful. Nope. Gtfo out of my family's life if you're going to be like that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP is the issue really her wanting your mum to move, or is it more that she wants to be more of a priority to you?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

If she has all this free time, why can't she become gainfully employed enough to have her own place? It's not like she has dependent children still.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@454545 Your wife doesn't cook.

So, what does she do?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So, what does she do?


Complaints a lot?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your mum clearly isnt very old and works full time. Why then cant she have her own place? If she was 85 and couldnt afford her own place thats different. I am a MIL and I would never expect any of my children to have me live with them, they need their own space and so do I.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I will say this: when I had a LT boyfriend and we moved in together, and were raising our kids together, I OK-ed him moving his mom in because she had dementia. It was what I would expect to do with my mom. But only because they needed care and it was my duty. It wasn't the reason we broke up, but it DID put a HUGE strain on the relationship. Sex dried up. Stress went through the roof. The irritation was constant because due to no fault of her own, she would forget things a lot and needed constant reassurance. I felt bad for her, but that didn't mean that it didn't start to grate on me. I felt very depressed sometimes. When I woke up early to read by myself with a coffee for half an hour, there she was the minute I came out of my room. Again, it was not her fault. She was probably lonely. But after a while the stress started to get to me. I would hide in my room sometimes when she was home just to get some space from her. I started to feel like a prisoner in my own home. So someone can be ok with something in theory like moving a partner's parent in and then live to sorely regret it.

Again, it has nothing to do with who your mom is as a person. I'm sure she's lovely. But this is your life as a married couple and by your own admission, she is seeing you become a bit man-childish which is not attractive. Just her perspective from the comments you mentioned. Maybe you should see if you can come up with a compromise like move her nearby until she is older or has a health condition and needs care? Really listen to your wife without dismissing and hear what she is saying. Is it just that your mom is cleaning up after you? Or that she is watching you regress and it concerns her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Your mum clearly isnt very old and works full time. Why then cant she have her own place? If she was 85 and couldnt afford her own place thats different. I am a MIL and I would never expect any of my children to have me live with them, they need their own space and so do I.


I gained the impression that her salary would probably not be sufficient to afford to pay for accommodation.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

frusdil said:


> To be fair, there are some occasions where it's appropriate to make your spouse choose...one that I can think of right now that actually happened to someone I know is when he and his wife announced their pregnancy, his parents wrote a cheque for an abortion and put it in their christmas card. True story. I said to my husband that if his parents ever did that, and he EVER saw or spoke to them again, we'd be done and I'd fight him tooth and nail every inch of the way before I'd let him see the child.
> 
> Another one I read about was a grandmother referring to her grandson (bi racial) as a 'monkey'. How disgraceful. Nope. Gtfo out of my family's life if you're going to be like that.


Whoa... . 

Yeah, if parents or grandparents do things like that, I agree they should be cut out one's life immediately (and likely permanently). I have a hard time imagining what they could even do to make amends for that. 

What those parents/grandparents are doing in your examples are basically forcing an "us or them." decision on their child, which is a really rotten thing to do. 

I suppose at least they're making it clear that one must choose in those cases... It's harder when the choice isn't so obvious. Or the spouse/other party is dishonest about their intentions. In the heat of the moment, you agonize over whether you should just placate your spouse this one (1) time for the sake of marital bliss, or go with your gut, stand your ground, & possibly even end it because you know it's only going to get worse. That was my experience. And a lot of the advice I received was colored by the fact that MIL/DIL conflicts are such a common trope in TV shows, & everyone just assumes the MIL is sticking her nose where it doesn't belong, or is the one stirring the sh--.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I gained the impression that her salary would probably not be sufficient to afford to pay for accommodation.


Maybe she needs to get an apartment with a roommate, then. Or, OP has siblings. Plural. Between his mother working and each sibling chipping in, I'm sure his mother can have a place.

Why is it up to OP to house his mom and not the other siblings??🤔


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You know... we have people on this very forum who don't even want to ever live with any (their own!) partner even, in the future. So why are people even questioning why OP's wife is feeling the desire to not have to live with her mother in law (who is not frail and works a full time job)?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You know... we have people on this very forum who don't even want to ever live with any (their own!) partner even, in the future. So why are people even questioning why OP's wife is feeling the desire to not have to live with her mother in law (who is not frail and works a full time job)?


Because according to the OP she entered into the marriage _*knowing *_that was the arrangement & is trying to renege on that, and also while his mother works full time, does not earn enough to support herself independently.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> Because according to the OP she entered into the marriage _*knowing *_that was the arrangement & is trying to renege on that, and also while his mother works full time, does not earn enough to support herself independently.


Yep. So, have each of the siblings pitch in every month.

Things can change A LOT as life evolves. There's a difference between being a never married woman agreeing to a theoretical arrangement.... and then what you thought would be acceptable might feel like something you can't do any longer once you actually experience it in real life.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dude, your wife doesn’t want to live with your mom. That is completely understandable, she wants her own family and her own space for the immediate family. I understand she agreed to this arrangement upfront but her comfort with it has changed, and that’s not unusual. As others have said, there’s no reason that you and your siblings cannot work together to find other arrangements for your mom. 

Your wife thought she could accept current arrangement, but she clearly realizes now that it’s not what she wants for your family. You and your wife and your children are the primary family here. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy/effective?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Didn't we have someone on TAM several years ago who had a similar story, wife didn't want his mother to continue living with them, so she got him to have his mother move out.

But not long after wife decided she wanted her total freedom and wanted her husband to move out, too?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Didn't we have someone on TAM several years ago who had a similar story, wife didn't want his mother to continue living with them, so she got him to have his mother move out.
> 
> But not long after wife decided she wanted her total freedom and wanted her husband to move out, too?


?

Are you saying just because a wife isn't into living with her mother in law, she's apt to not want to be in the marriage?

Because I don't understand that correlation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In this case the wife has not provided any really compelling arguments for mom to move out, and it was agreed upon ahead of time. Doesn’t sound like mom is a burden at all. Sounds like she’s helpful and stays out of sight. What’s the real problem, OP?
Talk to your wife some more about this and get to her true feelings and reasons. What she’s given isn’t worth griping about.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> In this case the wife has not provided any really compelling arguments for mom to move out, and it was agreed upon ahead of time. Doesn’t sound like mom is a burden at all. Sounds like she’s helpful and stays out of sight. What’s the real problem, OP?
> Talk to your wife some more about this and get to her true feelings and reasons. What she’s given isn’t worth griping about.


Why isn't: I don't want to live with my mother in law, I want to live with my basic family unit not enough?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yep. So, have each of the siblings pitch in every month.
> 
> Things can change A LOT as life evolves. There's a difference between being a never married woman agreeing to a theoretical arrangement.... and then what you thought would be acceptable might feel like something you can't do any longer once you actually experience it in real life.


I get that. 

But if a person _knowingly gets themselves into a situation they can't handle_, then they need to be an adult and accept the consequences of their actions. Her behavior definitely sets a bad precedent here.

She should either end it and accept responsibility for the marriage failing, or come up with a solution on her own. but she shouldn't force her spouse to fix a problem that was entirely of her own making. 

I agree with where @MattMatt is going with this. What's her next move going to be? She's unhappy now and expecting her husband to dramatically re-arrange his family situation for her. What kind of partner has that sense of entitlement? 

The burden is on her in a big way to prove this is really what she wants. And she's not going to simply move on to the next demand and be unhappy and miserable when he doesn't do X, Y, or Z.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> I get that.
> 
> But if a person _knowingly gets themselves into a situation they can't handle_, then they need to be an adult and accept the consequences of their actions. Her behavior definitely sets a bad precedent here.
> 
> ...


Um. She's his WIFE. Never heard it called "entitlement" for it to not be working out for someone to live with their mother in law.

She's "entitled" because she wants to live with her husband and children and not her mother in law?

Geez.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would have an issue if the mil all of a sudden moved in with them. But this was a subject talked about and agreed to before moving in together. 

I understand, as a wife, we want our privacy and independence, but this lady knew and agreed to live with her mil. 

Your wife doesn't know what's coming. As a new mom she's going to need the help of an experienced person at least for the first few days. But whatever, that's what she wants and that's what she needs.

Maybe you can talk to your siblings and see if they offer any advice. They should help as well. 

It won't surprised me if you grow a very deep resentment towards your wife. This is something you both have to talk about as well. 

I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Um. She's his WIFE. Never heard it called "entitlement" for it to not be working out for someone to live with their mother in law.
> 
> She's "entitled" because she wants to live with her husband and children and not her mother in law?
> 
> Geez.



...again... she *knew *the situation when she moved in. Unless there's something the OP isn't telling us, the burden is on her to figure out a solution.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> ...again... she *knew *the situation when she moved in. Unless there's something the OP isn't telling us, the burden is on her to figure out a solution.


So because she knew the situation before she tried it, she's not allowed to determine it's not working out for her-- for the rest of her life?
That's an unrealistic view of life. Situations change throughout life.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Um. She's his WIFE. Never heard it called "entitlement" for it to not be working out for someone to live with their mother in law.
> 
> She's "entitled" because she wants to live with her husband and children and not her mother in law?
> 
> Geez.


The problem is you are not taking into consideration the OP's culture and feelings towards his mom and wife. 

This is not just a "wife's" issue. This is a family issue.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I can understand your wife’s point of view of wanting it to be just the two of you.

I don’t agree about the kitchen. If you are doing all the cooking then it is right that your wife and mom help with the dishes and clean up.

I couldn’t have had mine or my wife’s mom come live with us forever. My mom has stay with us for a couple months at a time over the years. This hasn’t happened in the past 8 to 7 years now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I take it that your wife is not of the same culture.

It she knew that your mom would be staying with you before the two of you got married then it is up to her to deal with it. If your mom is making it hard on her or shows disapproval of her, then shame on your mom for not treating her as a beloved daughter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Why isn't: I don't want to live with my mother in law, I want to live with my basic family unit not enough?


Because they agreed before marriage, because the mom IS a member of the family, and she has presented no reason of significance why the mom is ruining her life.

But I see your point. And I can’t really argue because. Wouldn’t want to live with my mother in law.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> So because she knew the situation before she tried it, she's not allowed to determine it's not working out for her-- for the rest of her life?
> That's an unrealistic view of life. Situations change throughout life.


I'm not saying that at all. She's free "to determine it's not working out for her"... she's free to do whatever she wants.

My point is that she should own up to it, and either learn how to deal with the situation, or move on. 

I think that knowingly entering a situation like that, and then trying to force other people to accommodate your needs is a lousy thing to do.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

454545 said:


> ...
> The one thing my mother does do, is pick up after me in the kitchen and sometimes will do things like take out the trash, or clean up around the house if it's beginning to look messy.
> 
> ... I do all the cooking for my wife and mother, so sometimes help cleaning up in the kitchen is nice.


👆 This part right here says a lot.

The wife lays around not doing squat, and resents the MIL for picking up & cleaning because it makes it clear who's not pulling their weight.

$5 says things will only get worse when the MIL is out... the wife's not going to start cooking and cleaning. You'll just end up shouldering even more of the housework your wife refuses to do.



454545 said:


> ...
> I have begun to think the motivation from my wife to move my mother out is pure emotion-based and just from what I've seen how her own mother treats her (not great bordering on straight-up mean) I feel that perhaps my wife seeing me and my mom have a neutral symbiotic relationship infuriates her and is perhaps envious of it...?
> ...


I missed this part earlier. This also says a lot. Are there any other red flags? Has she tried to isolate you from friends and family? 



454545 said:


> The more my wife pressures and asks me to move my mother out, the more I begin to feel resentment towards her. I feel very conflicted with what my wife is asking of me and what I really want to do. My wife has started to say things like "we have to do what's best for our family" hinting at our baby-to-come, but it just feels like she's being emotionally manipulative because my mother is not a financial or emotional or health burden, and if anything, my mother is a contribution to our household.


If things were more or less OK before the pregnancy, maybe you could write off some of this as anxiety... your wife is nervous about becoming a parent - understandably so - and overly concerned you're not going to prioritize her & your baby. 

I think either way, you should stand your ground on this. If your wife is acting in good faith and has legit concerns about family time and space, you should be able to work together to come up with a solution that keeps everyone happy. 

If not, if your wife is just a difficult person who's M.O. is to create conflict - _because that's how she was brought up_ - then there's not a lot you can do... kick your mom out, and your wife is just going to find something else to complain about. and now you've thrown your mom out for nothing.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TomNebraska said:


> 👆 This part right here says a lot.
> 
> The wife lays around not doing squat, and resents the MIL for picking up & cleaning because it makes it clear who's not pulling their weight.
> 
> ...


I think this is totally backwards. His wife is his primary family relationship as an adult, not his mom. Marriage and family is challenging enough without in-laws living in the house.

Yes, she agreed to this theoretical arrangement upfront, which maybe was hopeful or naive on her part. But now living in it, she realizes it’s not working for her. And you can’t just tell her to get over it because she agreed to this before getting married because this is not some trivial thing. This is an existential vision of family life and future kind of a thing. So to suggest that she is selfish for changing her mind on this, and wanting a family life without her MIL in the house is somehow unreasonable is ridiculous.

She has a reasonable vision of the family life she wants, regardless of what she initially agreed to. The question is what to do now.
-He can refuse to work with his siblings to try to find other arrangements for his mom. He can insist on holding his wife to the original arrangement because she knew about it upfront. And he’ll be right. But he’ll also end up being divorced or living with an unhappy, resentful wife.
-or he can understand how important it is for a lot of people, including his wife apparently, to have their own family space without in-laws living in the house - and work with his siblings to explore other options.

To speculate that his wife may just be controlling and unhappy in general is to assume facts not in evidence. If that’s the case, this may be a different conversation but there’s no clear indication of that. And for laying around and not doing much while MIL helps him around the house, maybe a passive aggressive response to struggling with MIL in her house.

This is too big of a deal to get caught up in being technically correct and stubbornly holding her accountable to her initial pre-marriage agreement.

And I’m typically pretty far from the “happy wife, happy life” appeasement crowd...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@TomNebraska 

We don’t know she’s laying around doing squat. He’s cooking for mum and wife, stepped into the role of man of the house before he got married. It’s been mum and him and do you hear his wife’s concerns? 

He actually stated she never goes into the kitchen. I couldn’t live in a house where I couldn’t step into my own kitchen to cook because my husband’s been so sufficient all his life that he doesn’t need me to do anything. He cooks, mum cleans up. How must that feel for her in her own home?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

DudeInProgress said:


> I think this is totally backwards. His wife is his primary family relationship as an adult, not his mom. Marriage and family is challenging enough without in-laws living in the house.
> 
> Yes, she agreed to this theoretical arrangement upfront, which maybe was hopeful or naive on her part. But now living in it, she realizes it’s not working for her. And you can’t just tell her to get over it because she agreed to this before getting married because this is not some trivial thing. This is an existential vision of family life and future kind of a thing. So to suggest that she is selfish for changing her mind on this, and wanting a family life without her MIL in the house is somehow unreasonable is ridiculous.
> 
> ...


You, and his wife, are coming from a place where multi-generational family homes are not the norm. That's fine. But that's not the OP's situation. He stated his culture is a multi-generational household. His wife knew that before marriage. Accepting to enter the family puts the onus on her to fit in, not on them to break up the home.

Now that she's there and expecting a child she doesn't like it. Fine. The right answer is for the 3 of them to sit down and work out how the household should work. The wrong answer is for her to put her husband to a "mother or me" ultimatum to change what she knowingly married into.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Can we stop with the "She knew what she was getting into before they got married" crap? Knowing and LIVING something are two very different things. VERY different.

OP you never answered my questions - does it have to be all or nothing? There's several options for this scenario.

Straight up, I would rather have a root canal with no anaesthetic, than live with my MIL.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The wife does zero cooking. She doesn’t sound like she does a lot of house cleaning, either. What is her contribution to the everyday running of the household?

So far, it sounds like a one sided relationship and she’s STILL not happy.

OP, you tell us. What do you feel your wife contributes to your life? And do you feel your wife doesn’t go into the kitchen because it’s “yours”? I’ll just be blunt. Is your wife lazy or is she a hard worker?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> The wife does zero cooking. She doesn’t sound like she does a lot of house cleaning, either. What is her contribution to the everyday running of the household?
> 
> So far, it sounds like a one sided relationship and she’s STILL not happy.
> 
> OP, you tell us. What do you feel your wife contributes to your life? And do you feel your wife doesn’t go into the kitchen because it’s “yours”? I’ll just be blunt. Is your wife lazy or is she a hard worker?


this has nothing to do with how much work his wife does or doesn’t do around the house. Sounds like she’s unhappy because she wants her own space with her husband and soon to be child without her MIL living in it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP hasn’t been back at all to answer any questions, so we’re all assuming a lot, myself included.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If OP ever posts again, I'd love to know if his mother lived with HER mother and mother in law her whole married life.

Also, you have siblings. Why is it just YOU who lives with your mother? You say your mother also spends time with her sisters over the weekends.

There are many options. She could live with your brother or sister (why isn't she???) or one of her sisters. Or you could all chip in to help her with a place of her own. You say she works 9 to 5 so she's earning money.

How old is she?

I suspect she's pretty young. This isn't an 80 year old woman with health issues.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, are you and your wife from the same culture?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

the OP is probably thinking "_How come no one is responding to what I wrote, instead bringing their own baggage into the thread and ignoring my story to instead use their own assumptions of when the problems started and why?_"


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