# Family Feud



## Givingtree1953 (Nov 22, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 28 years. We had 4 children (2 mine & 2 his) raised in our home. We endured many of the common problems encountered with the ex-wife, rearing the children, etc. Now, the kids are grown, married, and have children of their own. Recently our son-in-law had a verbal altercation with our grandson son (age 19). This is the third such episode. It ended in him insisting that our grandson leave the home. He came to our home a couple of nights ago and asked if he could stay because he had nowhere else to go. He has been here since that time. I love him and am willing to assist, but my desire is not to have him, nor any of my other grandchildren LIVE with us! We have listened to both sides of the argument which precipitated this event. They were BOTH wrong! But, our son-in-law flatly refuses to allow him to return to their home. I'm afraid we've gotten caught in their web. 

I'm asking feedback on how we should proceed. I don't want to see him out in the street, but I also don't want the responsibility of rearing an adult/teenager! Help, please!


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Well first be glad it was just a verbal altercation. Anything else and it gets much more complicated. It doesn't sound like you'll be rearing him he is already 19 and will be living on his own soon. 

The irony of course is that it's a possibility the altercations are a form of his parents trying to tell him it's time to get on with his adult life, at that age it's very common for the child not to feel he's prepared to be on his own.

You've done your duty as grandparents, I would give them another day or two to cool down and bring the subject back up.


----------



## LeahKoenig (Nov 19, 2010)

In order for you to just be a temporary safety net while your grandson figures out his next step it is important that you know he is actively working on figuring out his next step. At nineteen he still may be understandably waiting for someone to rescue him and not know he has the skills to solve the situation himself. Help him out here to make sure he is working towards resolution and gains a lesson that his father may be trying to encourage him to learn.

I would ask him to outline a plan for you about what he wants to do about his predicament. If he needs some help with this plan offer him suggestions and work together to create an action plan. Make sure the plan has deadlines and accountablity that can be tracked. Be clear about your boundaries: how long he can stay at your house, the deal for staying at your house during that time is that he makes progress on his action plan and meets the goals, the consequence for not meeting goals. 

If the goals are not met then you very empathetically and loving tell him he has the agreed upon two days to find another place to stay where he can work on this problem on his own terms. That you love him very much and know he can figure this out. 

You are giving your grandson a gift of some safe space. At nineteen he may not recognize this as a gift and may not know how to use it well. Keep yourself and ultimately your relationship with your grandson safe by keeping up some firm and loving boundaries. You're in relationship for the long term not just this short little blip in his life.


----------

