# Seeking input



## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Looking for advice from others because I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not.
married for 9 years, two kids under age 7. I’m struggling with my husbands lack of motivation, drive and leadership. I feel that it’s so much more he can do but he’s just complacent. He used to work a laborious job and would nap when he got home m-f, I figured it was okay because he worked hard and although it meant he’d only see the kids for like an hour before they had to go to bed it was fine because he worked hard. On the weekends he’d nap during the day.
Fast forward a few years, he needed a mental break from work I was making enough money in my career and needed more help with the kids so we both decided it’ll be okay for him to be a stay at home dad. We talked about expectations and a daily schedule before this happened. When he first started staying home he’d drop the kids off then during the day do absolutely nothing some days would nap twice a day. He held up his end of getting the kids to and from school but they’d be late every day because he wakes up the same time as the kids.
I spoke with him he got a gym membership and works out a few days a week and now that’s all. The kids are still late every day. He’ll clean up the house every couple weeks. The cars are dirty inside and out. I finally got fed up one day and got one of the cars cleaned inside and out in hopes he’d follow and do the other. That didn’t happen.
I seriously think he’s addicted to social media I checked the usage, legit spends 80 hours a week on social media.
My career took a major financial hit and I’m stressed about finances but he’s yet to offer any ideas or even say he’ll get a job again until things go back up.
I’m not in love and haven’t been in love in a while. I think I’m really missing that protective peace when you feel secure that your husband will take of things or at least try to make sure the family is taken care of.
Just wondering if any ladies have dealt with this and what was the outcome? And we’re in MC, hasn’t helped so far.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It sounds like you have very high expectations of him and nag the hell out of him. That kind of treatment will just make a man give up and quit trying. 

You should encourage him to see a doctor to check testosterone, thyroid, and vitamin levels.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It sounds like you have very high expectations of him and nag the hell out of him. That kind of treatment will just make a man give up and quit trying.
> 
> You should encourage him to see a doctor to check testosterone, thyroid, and vitamin levels.


Yeah...she has a lot of nerve to expect him to contribute and be a partner.

I can agree about the checkup but seriously....that comment was unnecessarily nasty. She's supporting a bum.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah...she has a lot of nerve to expect him to contribute and be a partner.
> 
> I can agree about the checkup but seriously....that comment was unnecessarily nasty. She's supporting a bum.


It wasn't meant to be nasty.... But I have been in a relationship before where it seemed like no matter what I did it wasn't done to her standards, wasn't fast enough, etc. It got to the point that I just quit caring and figured why even try? I ended that relationship, but that's a different story.

She mentioned when he was working, he napped daily. She also mentioned he is on social media and/or sitting around a lot with little drive. That is why I suggested to see a doctor. I had a similar experience with low energy and lack of drive. It absolutely was not because I didn't want to contribute and be a partner. Come Saturday morning, I just wanted to watch TV and sit. Turns out I had extremely low testosterone. Once properly treated, I am back.

This brings up another subject. We see it all the time where one will say their spouse is lazy, unmotivated, not the same person anymore, moody, etc. My urologist has told me that hormones like testosterone affect everything about a guy from weight, sex drive, cognitive function, mood, and beyond. Many men know something is wrong, but don't know what or assume it's aging. I myself wonder how many relationship issues are really caused by unbalanced hormones? You really never see the issue brought up.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It sounds like you have very high expectations of him and nag the hell out of him. That kind of treatment will just make a man give up and quit trying.
> 
> You should encourage him to see a doctor to check testosterone, thyroid, and vitamin levels.


Thank you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Who doesn’t need a mental break from work??? He should do what everyone else does.. suck it up and keep going. Stay At Home Dad is always a recipe for disaster on multiple levels. The ONLY excuse for stay at home dad is he is training or educating for the next job and this should have a clear time frame.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Who doesn’t need a mental break from work??? He should do what everyone else does.. suck it up and keep going. Stay At Home Dad is always a recipe for disaster on multiple levels. The ONLY excuse for stay at home dad is he is training or educating for the next job and this should have a clear time frame.


Or he is able to generate sufficient income that he can work from home.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Who doesn’t need a mental break from work??? He should do what everyone else does.. suck it up and keep going. Stay At Home Dad is always a recipe for disaster on multiple levels. The ONLY excuse for stay at home dad is he is training or educating for the next job and this should have a clear time frame.


Thanks


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Who doesn’t need a mental break from work??? He should do what everyone else does.. suck it up and keep going. Stay At Home Dad is always a recipe for disaster on multiple levels. The ONLY excuse for stay at home dad is he is training or educating for the next job and this should have a clear time frame.


Or he could be caring for very small children.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Or he could be caring for very small children.


The children are late for school so they aren't that small. As a stay at home parent he should be cooking and cleaning, shopping, laundry and such. He sounds lazy.

While a stay at home shouldn't have to work 24/7 as sometimes is expected it is a rigorous job for most people who do it with integrity.

OP it sounds like he's lazy and is enjoying himself. Why don't you suggest he go back to work?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> The children are late for school so they aren't that small. As a stay at home parent he should be cooking and cleaning, shopping, laundry and such. He sounds lazy.
> 
> While a stay at home shouldn't have to work 24/7 as sometimes is expected it is a rigorous job for most people who do it with integrity.
> 
> OP it sounds like he's lazy and is enjoying himself. Why don't you suggest he go back to work?


I was answering generally about SAHD's.


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Did you already address these issues to him?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Stay At Home Dad is always a recipe for disaster on multiple levels. The ONLY excuse for stay at home dad is he is training or educating for the next job and this should have a clear time frame.


Do you have a similar stance on Stay At Home Moms? Because I have known some pretty lazy ones.


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