# I'm a guy,I don't want sex with my wife..advice please



## Baldguitarguy (Jul 31, 2012)

I have been married for 27 years. We are both in our late 40's. (yes we married young).

She has health issues (diabetes and RA).

We rarely have sex. When we do (once every 2 months?) I finish too quick - because it's been so long. So I admit....it's not great when we do have sex (for her).

Valentine's day....no sex.....and I finally had a thought - I don't want to have sex with my wife.

So why?

1) Negative attitude

She never says "good morning" or tries to make the best out of the day. Yes, life has been hard the last 5 years. Her health, the economy has beat us down, and other life issues. But I figure, make the best of things. These are the cards we are dealt - they suck - but deal with them.

2) She is boring

After 27 years...sex gets a tad boring. I am not looking for a "hole"....I am looking for someone who will work with me to spice it up. Pardon the crudeness...but to lay there with your legs spread is not fun. It has cause me to have some performance issues. I never had these issues before, and I take meds that help to "prop up" the issue.

3) Lack of communication

When I have asked in the past what we can do....she says it's both our fault. And she is correct. I have become so apathetic about sex....I prefer masturbation to trying.

I am not saying another partner would be a better option....though it would be nice to have someone who cared as much about our sex life...and ergo....closeness.... as she does about the house being clean.

Through her sickness she has time to clean (it's not what you think...I would love a dirty house....she needs a show piece house)....get her nails done...watch tv....sew...and some other hobbies she enjoys.

I just never thought I would stop trying for sex with my wife.

And I have....stopped trying. I do not even bother. Flowers....dinners....jewelry.....paying the mortgage.....taking care of things around the house......vacuuming.....emptying the dishwasher.....trying to sit down and just talk......whether I do them or not....I never get a positive response.

I am rather shocked at my response and epiphany...if you will...about me no longer caring about sex with her.

Which is a shame.

She is very hot.

We are approaching 50 in a couple of years.

Is this the way couples go?

Am I a bad person for no longer trying?

I will re-state that her medical issues are the driving force in our life and relationship. 

She feels bad almost daily and goes to the doctor about once a week. In addition....she take a large amount of vicodin that the doctor says she needs to maintain the pain threshold due to diabetic neurotropicthy she has developed.

Maybe I need a *****slap to tell me I am just being selfish.

I do love my wife....but the intimacy and fun is long gone from our relationship.

I will never leave....and I will never cheat.....just wondering if I can make a change and do something.

Just wondering if anyone has some positive feedback for me.


Sorry if I am rambling.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry your marriage has become so distant.

Have you told your wife her negative attitude gets on your nerves? Do you stop to correct her when she lets fly some negative quip? Do you ever tell her that her lack of enthusiasm for enjoying life together is causing you to grow distant from her? 

in terms of sex and PE, how often are you masturbating and do you try to get off quickly while masturbating? A man doesn't necessarily have to last long, though it's always nice, because he can use his fingers, his tongue or some toys in order to give her pleasure. So when your penis doesn't cooperate, you have other tools at your disposal. Will your wife allow toys in the bedroom?

You need to reestablish a connection with your wife. This is your marriage, not a business partnership. Actually, if it was a business you'd probably take a more active and leader-like role in making sure the partnership was acting in a way that brought profits (harmony and happiness.)

So what have you tried to bring this back and how has she responded?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

BBG - you could be me! Fortunately it hasnt been illness that has driven me away but my wifes attitude to life and sex in general.

neither are we on the same page. For example; afew months ago we were coming down a long shallow hill, you could see miles into the distance. About a mile infront of us there was a helicopter sat in the middle of the road.
me - Oh wow..look I wonder what has happened
her - what? Where? What are yoiu talking about?

You dont generally expect to see a helicopter landed on the road!
She is so wrapped in her own world.

Keeping a marriage alive takes two, you can't do it on your own. 
Sadly (?) sex is far more important to men that to women - its how we bond, its our language of love. If we cant have sex we dont bond and eventually we switch off. Which is what I have done and what you have done.

Sorry I cant offer you any advice but I with you bro...


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

It is soul crushing and depressing to have your sexual desire for your beautiful life partner destroyed by her sexual ambivalence. I am truly sorry you are going through this.

I am about a year ahead of you with my similar situation. Direct communication with my wife about the issue was pointless, like your wife she avoids honest discussion about sexual issues.

So what can you do? Many well meaning people on TAM might ask you "have you done THIS? Have you done THAT?" But you know you have done everything you are capable of and it is not going to change your situation by trying a few pop psychology tricks.

You might try counseling. I have not gone there yet so I can't say if it would be worth your time and energy.

The only thing that has brought me some comfort is owning my loss of desire for my wife. I tried faking it at first for the sake of our overall relationship. She didn't enjoy sex with me, I didn't enjoy sex with her, and I felt like a fraud. I eventually told her I was done with her sexually and why. I let her know that I was open to reconsideration if she was willing to make some changes regarding honest communication, but I was done with playing games to try and get her to change.

I mourned the loss of my sex life. All things must eventually die, and all we can do is try and react to these losses as honorable men.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you try to do.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

One thing is the amount of vicodin she is on. I doubt she is able to orgasm taking that regularly and can see how it could put a person in their own world as well. Opiates make you feel warm and cozy, I've time I can see how one could lose the desire for a human connection.

Would she go to counseling with you? It sounds like the sex is one thing - and it would be great if that was repaired - but aside from sex it sounds like your emotional intimacy is missing as well, and that is a marriage killer.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm going to question all of the Vicodin she is taking, that drug is not to be messed with, one can develop a tolerance very quickly to the original dosage.
There are alternatives that do not involve opiates, especially because they only mask the pain, they don't actually treat the root cause of the pain, which often is a form of inflammation. 
Is she being treated for the RA and the diabetes by the same doctor?
I question that because if not, there could be an issue with the combination of meds she is taking.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

On another note, I didn't realize till this board how deeply invested men can be in their marriages. Before that I assumed that men were much more willing and ready to leave their wives and marriages and kids for greener pastures than women are.

It really is heartbreaking to read these accounts of men being sexually and emotionally suffocated in their marriages - and who are resigned to endure. 

Listen, guys, when it comes to middle age you are the ones holding the cards. Us ladies are losing our waists and wrinkling. Many of us chose to not work while we were raising children. We can't just waltz back into the workforce and support ourselves at this.point if we made that choice. Our kids are needing us less and will be leaving soon. 

I'm both concerned that these women seem to not care about you or having a living marriage - but also that you guys resign yourselves to it when it's not what you want.

(I know it happens to women as well and also that many women remained in the workforce, thus making themselves less vulnerable.)


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Diabetic neurotropicthy can also dull or numb the enjoyment of PIV, have you had an honest conversation with your wife to find out if this is part of her issue? Diabetic and pain meds are both none libido killers. So yes you have alot working against you. 

Let me tell you my story and maybe it will give you and Big Dude something to think about. When I lost my thyroid due to a large thyroid tumor I went from high sex drive going a 100 to no drive goin 0. For the first time in my life I had no desire at all! None..nothing..nada...talk about major shock. I got really depressed, I actually mourned my loss. The thing is that didn't stop me from wanting to take care of my husband, I loved him and knew he still had needs. It was just as hard on him, he knew it was one sided desire but he also knew I was making love to him because I loved him and wanted to take care of his needs. We did a lot of BJ, HJ mostly and PIV once in a while. I really had no desire for him to pleasure me and we just didn't go there during this time...this was emotionally hard on my husband but it was a compromise we came to. Once they got my med regulated a year later my drive came back and now I chase him around the house all the time. He can't keep up with me. 

What I am saying to you is illness is not an excuse for being selfish. Just because your not in the "mood" has turned into this generations excuse for neglecting their spouses needs, that is just wrong on so many levels. For me it helped me when I was going through all of this to know that the one thing I could still do and do well was keep big guy happy...that gave me hope that I might get my life back the way it was someday. I am still not there on all the side effects but this one I conquered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Diabetic neurotropicthy can also dull or numb the enjoyment of PIV, have you had an honest conversation with your wife to find out if this is part of her issue? Diabetic and pain meds are both none libido killers. So yes you have alot working against you.
> 
> Let me tell you my story and maybe it will give you and Big Dude something to think about. When I lost my thyroid due to a large thyroid tumor I went from high sex drive going a 100 to no drive goin 0. For the first time in my life I had no desire at all! None..nothing..nada...talk about major shock. I got really depressed, I actually mourned my loss. The thing is that didn't stop me from wanting to take care of my husband, I loved him and knew he still had needs. It was just as hard on him, he knew it was one sided desire but he also knew I was making love to him because I loved him and wanted to take care of his needs. We did a lot of BJ, HJ mostly and PIV once in a while. I really had no desire for him to pleasure me and we just didn't go there during this time...this was emotionally hard on my husband but it was a compromise we came to. Once they got my med regulated a year later my drive came back and now I chase him around the house all the time. He can't keep up with me.
> 
> ...


Wow, mineforever.

what a beautiful story


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> On another note, I didn't realize till this board how deeply invested men can be in their marriages. Before that I assumed that men were much more willing and ready to leave their wives and marriages and kids for greener pastures than women are.
> 
> It really is heartbreaking to read these accounts of men being sexually and emotionally suffocated in their marriages - and who are resigned to endure.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This!


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## Baldguitarguy (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you for all your feedback.

I feel for you all and wish for things to get better in your relationships.

I have thought a lot this weekend...and as the saying goes...misery loves company.

Here is to hope.

God bless.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Mineforever - your above post is bitter-sweet. It is wonderful to see that there are women out there who can see through the mist of their own 'issues' (ie lack of sexual interest) and do things for their men....because they love them and accept we need a physical connection.

Bitter....well because I wish my wife was like you. Had she spent more time in this world and less in cloud cuckoo land and realised that I loved her and needed her sexually then we wouldn't be in the situation we are now...ie sexless and I'm not interested.

- she is so wrapped up in her own fluffy bunny world that she hasnt even noticed I have lost all interest in her.

Mineforever - you husband is a lucky chap....and I hope he makes you feel ultra special!


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

My wife gained enough weight to completely kill my libido well over a decade ago. I tried to tell her at the time - as politely as I knew how - but she had none of that. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried. When she came out, she told me never to say such a hurtful thing again. Then she threatened that if I did, she didn't know how she would react. It was a bit scary and completely awkward. I felt like such a horrible person that I finally just gave up. Our abstinence "intervals" are measured in years, not months. 

My advice: be honest with her. Don't back down like I did. It doesn't usually get better with time unless you are communicating and helping each other to understand how to make it better. 

(In case you are wondering, yes I love my wife very much. Every year my sex drive is a bit lower than the year before, and I'm totally grateful for that! 

-seahorse


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Baldguitarguy said:


> I have been married for 27 years. We are both in our late 40's. (yes we married young).
> 
> ...
> Sorry if I am rambling.


It it hard to write a mail and just stop when you are letting out a great deal of emotion. I hope it helps getting it out.

I have no answers, but I hope you are still trying to satisfy her. I use it as my measure in these situation, no-one can help losing their libido, but they make sure their partner does not happen. If you can try and please her without interourse, it might help (it might well not). 

Fifty year old women are unlikely to get you going unless they are unusually beautiful or you have a sexual connection. You can work on the sexual connection in various way.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> On another note, I didn't realize till this board how deeply invested men can be in their marriages. Before that I assumed that men were much more willing and ready to leave their wives and marriages and kids for greener pastures than women are.


I agree with you.

Based on my observations, men are reluctant to abandon his relationship/marriage whilst he can physically have sex else where and go back to his wife/marriage thinking nobody will notice. However, meeting his needs else where often leads to sexless marriage where wives are no longer needed for intimacy. 

However, as you say, husbands tend not to leave their wives for a regular lover unless he also fell in love along the way. It's an interesting phenomena if I'm honest. Men love their wife and stay with her. It's very cute indeed. However, lately it's women who abandon their husbands for greener pastures. Role reversal.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> Based on my observations, men are reluctant to abandon his relationship/marriage whilst he can physically have sex else where and go back to his wife/marriage thinking nobody will notice. However, meeting his needs else where often leads to sexless marriage where wives are no longer needed for intimacy.
> 
> However, as you say, husbands tend not to leave their wives for a regular lover unless he also fell in love along the way. It's an interesting phenomena if I'm honest. Men love their wife and stay with her. It's very cute indeed. However, lately it's women who abandon their husbands for greener pastures. Role reversal.


I could have casual sex with young,eager, pretty women and do not. Apparently, men like me do not exist. Eventually, I will be sick of her not getting a job, us not having kids, and not helping much round the house. I will leave and be the baddie. It is not a bad price to pay, but it will be seen in most eyes as me leaving to play the field and a mid-life crisis.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I could have casual sex with young,eager, pretty women and do not. Apparently, men like me do not exist. Eventually, I will be sick of her not getting a job, us not having kids, and not helping much round the house. I will leave and be the baddie. It is not a bad price to pay, but it will be seen in most eyes as me leaving to play the field and a mid-life crisis.


I'm sure men who would get up and leave their spouse have their own valid reasons. There are some misconceptions over female attractiveness. Not every single male is after a young flesh or having casual sex. Older you get, I'm sure you learn to be far more discerning.


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