# What would you do if wife....



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

...decided to not be intimate with you anymore.

My wife and I have been having some problems. My wife has now decided to not be intimate with me. This not only means no sex, but also not cuddling, which has always been a hallmark of our marriage.

The sex thing has always been a bit frustrating with me for most of our marriage. Not that it's not good, because it is fine, But my wife barely initiates. Yeah, there have been exceptions, but for the most part.....

I can get very frustrated if I purse but then get rejected. I do say that in my marriage I've probably been rejected more than accepted. I also wouldn't be surprised if our activities have been below average for a married couple throughout most of our marriage. That's not a complain of sorts, but just a reality. My wife's libido is just not as strong as mine, but the potential of being rejected has always kept me from pursuing as much as I'd like. 

Now to present time. My wife clearly seems to be not interested in pursuing these days, and probably not accepting. I'm in the mood because intimacy helps me feel better in regards to our problems. Woman are different in that regard though. 

Should I still pursue, or should I "wait" until we've cleared the air. In other words, should I give her her space until she at least seems to be ready again? Or should I still try to seduce?


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. So your wife thinks it's fair to deny you of one of your needs? This isn't fair. This is tantamount to abuse.

You can do one of several things, but the two I read on this site that I like the best are these:

Find one of your wifes needs, the most important one. Say it's financial support, for arguments sake. Tell her it would then be only fair if you stopped supporting her financially. Nshe how she reacts to that.

The next one is more direct. Tell your wife that sex is one of your greatest needs in your life. Tell her that you won't accept being celibate for the rest of your marriage. So there are three options. One. You support my need for sex. Two. We get divorced. Or three, you give me permission to go outside the relationship to fill my greatest need, since that is the only ethical thing to do if we are to stay married....ethical in that she gives you permission as opposed to start an affair.

I can't remember who originally posted these tactics, but they te very effective, it seems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Before she will give you what you need to feel loved, she may need you give her what SHE needs to feel loved. Have a good long conversation about what that is, then do your best to give it, and in time she will likely return the favor. Ask her what makes her feel loved (and keep in mind if you are having problems, she may not want to feel loved by you until certain issues are resolved) 

That's how I see it anyway


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

PJ,

This is the final stage of fitness testing.

Much ground needs to be recovered.

Read as much MEM, Coops, Deejo, and BigBadWolf as you can. Think about what they are saying.

You must start passing the small tests to get back up to bat in the late innings.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Toss her and her fitness test to the curb. Life is too short and there are too many lonely people on this earth to waste time on someone interested in playing games. The decision to be your wife should have been made at some point prior to saying "I do".


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Any game is worth playing if you are in love. When a man does nothing to fight to keep her, she feels worthless, then you will suffer that much more for being the one to make her worthless. Fight a little, show her she is worth a little effort from you (and don't expect it to work over night) and she will more than likely reward you  Every woman wants to believe she is worth someone fighting for her, so do it dammit!


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

But it's ok for her to be inappropriate with a business partner and an exboyfriend - dude - toss her.


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Tossing her is not the end all be all answer. We've been together for 16.5 years and married for 14.5. We have 9 year old daughter and a 5 year old son, both of who love their mom and dad dearly, and their family dynamic. We have a good home, and have had a lots of good times in our marriage. Our marriage has been pretty decent for the most part with your average difficulties here and there, with the exception of the last hand full of months or so which have been absolutely brutal. We've hit a major bump.

Divorce has lots of ramifications. Not only financially, but emotionally for both of us and the kids. I want to fight right now to right things. That includes for both of us to really understand what has been happening. My fears though, is that although I think I can do that, I can exhibit the appropriate "empathy" towards my wife, her feelings, her needs etc. I'm scared that she might not be able to put in the intellectual thought into things to come to common ground with me as she acts on pure emotion, and sometimes pure selfishness where only her emotions matter. Some of her own recent changes and behaviors are part of our problems. It's a two way street, and all I can hope is she gets that, and can work on appropriate compromises. If she can't, then yeah....

In cases like these, should the guy still pursue, even though his wife says "I don't feel safe to be intimate with you". Our intimacy has always been a bonding force in our marriage. That intimacy is more than just sex.


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Here is something you people may find interesting in relation to my plight these days.

As said, my wife has pulled intimacy away from me. OK, I'll get a little personal here: We know us guys have our needs. Tell me, how many of you check out Cinemax here and there. There's a reason why that "stuff" is on 365 days a year. People watch it, and let's face it, it is quite arousing (To me even more so than XXX crap).

Well, I have been shut off, so I've been checking that stuff out a little more often that usual. Since it's on late, I started to TIVO some shows. My wife, however, has been deleting my recorded content whenever she hops on the TIVO box to watch the news or whatever. She sees it on the box, she knows I recorded it, and she decides to delete it.

Believe that? Wonder if there is some meaning to that in regards to my relationship....


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

pjbap said:


> his wife says "I don't feel safe to be intimate with you".


What does this mean? Does she feel unsafe because of a dynamic created between the two of you? Or does she have some trauma in her past that could create fear?


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

in regards to the "tivo" thing----she's probably trying to bait you into a fight.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess we all have to decide what we can live with. Without intimacy or trust, what do you have? A man and a woman with a common address who happen to be parents of the same kids? A choice to discard intimacy is a choice to leave the relationship. I can be "dad" without being "husband". Anyone who willfully withholds intimacy isn't contributing to a relationship and doesn't need to be in one. Every human alive disappoints their partner at times. That's no reason to withhold a basic human need. I go to work even when I'm angry or disappointed with my spouse. Abuse is a deal breaker and willfully withholding sex is abuse.


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

My point, Unbelievable, is I'm willing to let this slide "now" as we try to figure things out. If it perpetuates, and doesn't change. Yes. I'm out of here.

My wife is going through emotions about me. I need to give her that space right now (I don't think I have a choice) As said,for the most part our marriage has been OK with some blips here and there. I can't toss everything to the side for a handful of bad months. If those months keep going and don't come to a resolve, however.....yeah, I need to go.

In the meantime as we both figure this out, I'm still curious if I should still pursue intimacy, let my wife know I really need the intimacy, or should I just let it be, give her her space and time, and let her call the shots during this difficult time.

OK! Just this moment: My wife is leaving with our daughter to bring her to her Saturday art class. I just got a "peck" kiss on the lips, of which I pursued. I then went for a hug. She refused the hug. She said "I don't feel like hugging you". This distresses me to no end.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Decide for yourself what YOU would do if things didn't change. What if no means no forever? My own spouse announced in no uncertain terms, no more sex ever, around 1993. In other cultures the wife would probably also announce that with such a 'White Marriage' as the French call it, the husband is free to get a mistress. 

People stay married for many many reasons. Some of them have to do with love and respect. Some don't, they're more mercenary.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Every post you write is some justification to continue suffering. She d has made it clear she isn't interested in considering your needs. Since you won't push the issue your only chance is a 180. Read up on it and deprioritize her as MEM writes about. That is your only play in this drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

You might be right SS, you might be right. This is a form of advice I'm looking for.

I keep reading about "Fitness Tests" but I have been having difficulty finding a link to actual tests. Can somebody forward?

Also, What is the proper link to read up on the 180. Info really appreciated.

PJB


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

OK: My wife and I are scheduled to go out on a date night tomorrow night. That is getting a baby-sitter and doing dinner and a movie. I know I won't be getting any, and probably won't be getting the loving interactions I've been used to throughout our marriage.

Should I just cancel our date night. Would that be doing a 180?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I could receive a paycheck but not report for work, I might take it. If I could keep my house without paying the mortgage, I might never send in my payment again. Your wife plays these games because she can do so with impunity and still retain her position of power. Sex loses it's power for her if you no longer want it or if you can obtain it elsewhere. I'd reapproach her for intimacy a few times but then I'd act as if I were even less interested in it than she was. Once she made it clear she no longer would be intimate, I would make it clear that I considered her statement a declaration that she no longer wished to be married. At that point, she needs to either agree to a plan to fix the marriage or to proceed with a plan to end it. In short, she signed on to be a fellow crew member. She can row, bail water, repair leaks, or navigate. She can't remain in the boat as ballast or luggage. I don't know if you have 50 years ahead of you or 50 minutes and you don't know, either. You can spend whatever time you have remaining on earth as a complete, healthy human being, loved for who and what you are or you can spend it jumping through endless flaming hoops to please someone who may be incapable of being pleased. The world is chuck full of women who would be happy to suck the last milligram of your spirit from your lifeless body while giving nothing in return. Legions of men have chained themselves to such and you can trudge on along toward the grave with them. If she wants to be a lonely, sexless, miserable zombie, allow her to do so, but make it clear that you expect to live a peaceful, happy, life of contentment. It has always been your intent to have happiness with her but if she wants to get out of the boat, you can and will continue to strive for a happy life.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Here's a description of the 180 from survivinginfidelity.com :

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. 

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)


----------



## whittfield (Feb 26, 2011)

pjbap, hello. 
I'm going through my own hell in my marriage, but your situation, I think I solved in my own marriage long ago. I found that if you wife loves you she would not want another woman to have you. Maybe, she is so secure in knowing that you will NOT step outside the marriage, she gives it no high priority to keep you in the happy when it comes to intimacy.
Hmmm...
Next...No offense. I don't know you at all, but maybe you are not the ladies pick.
Or...
I do not know your wife at all, but maybe she is stepping out on you. Getting the love from elsewhere.
either way, bottom line, you have to talk to your woman. Romanticize her. Casually pat her booty when she walks by...you know. Good luck friend.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Playing games is not a good idea. talk to her about what has happened, why she feels this way and what you can both do to fix it? 

she hasn't cheated has she? If not i see no reason to withdraw from the marriage, and you gave no indication of why she has withdrawn affection, what is the full story?

Be a man, take control and tell her you both need to prioritize the marriage and show her you care about her and what she means to you. But do not let yourself be pushed around. She won't respect that. Tell her clearly what you expect you both to do to get the marriage back on track. Show her that you are willing to work hard at it, if she is.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Maybe you should work towards resolving the issues first before worrying about when you'll get laid next. It must be some big thing that happened, that would make your wife just say "No" to intimacy straight up. So work towards resolving it and then im sure she will come around. I doubt a date night would work btw because she will realise immediately that its all an elaborate plan for you to get some. I mean it is plain as day.. lol.


----------

