# Is their hope for my marriage



## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years. I am 25, he is 28. Everything was great until life got more stressful. We got pregnant, had a kid then we had to get serious about our responsibilities and learn how to become parents. We got married while I was pregnant. When I got pregnant it was very stressful. I had zero plans on becoming a mother or getting married at that time and it was a surprise. He was great for most of the pregnancy and was very excited while I was freaked out. Wanted to get married and all of that. He became more stressed as time went on. I was pretty emotional so that probably didn’t help him. As it got closer to delivery we were fighting a lot more and it was pretty bad at times. 

After I had my daughter I was still stressed but not so much about being a mother anymore, fell in love with my daughter and I was genuinely really happy. 

So there was one night when my husband went out with his friends when my daughter was 2 weeks old. I didn’t care and told him to have fun. Said he would be back around 12 so when I woke up with my daughter at 1:30 got no reply. Texted and called him 3 more times and never got a reply. When I actually got up for the morning at 8 he walked in. Asked him where he was and why didn’t he text me. He was clearly out of it up and I could tell he was in a bad mood already. We got into a big fight, it got really bad, really physical. I contribute it to mostly alcohol and stress. 

Since then we started going to marriage counseling which I do think has helped him and he seems to genuinely be trying. I have had a hard time letting this go. After our fight happened we both talked about what we could do to help our marriage and all of that. I brought up maybe we could have an open marriage. To be really honest I brought this up purely to hurt him because I knew it would and it did. I don’t want an open marriage in the slightest. This has really messed with him since and I feel like he is trying hard to fix our relationship I feel horrible. We haven’t talked about It since. A lot of the time I feel like I am just pretending with him and it makes me feel really guilty. We have had a few fights since but nothing like the bad one. 

I would prefer our marriage to work out of course but I am having trouble getting past it. We have sex all of the time and spend a lot of time together so I’m not saying it is all bad or that I hate him. He is a good dad, we have everything we need and he puts a lot of effort into our marriage. Our daughter is 5 months old now. Is their hope? Do I just give this more time


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So he cheAted?


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> So he cheAted?


 no neither of us have ever cheated. I brought up having an open marriage purely to hurt him. Neither of us ever did anything.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

one of the things that kids don't understand until they have kids themselves is that children and parents often grow up together. 

If you both want the marriage to work and each of you are willing to do the work, you can do it. 

But him being out all night drunk and you telling him you want to screw other men while there is a baby at home is not going to help any of you grow up and take care of business. 

Whether you two like each other or not, the fact is you are both parents and you both have responsibilities. It's time for both of you to grow up and start working together as a team with common goals. The best thing parents can do for a child is to work together collaboratively to support and be there for each other.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

You both need to establish healthy boundaries, learn to communicate and come to the realization that you have to grow up and be responsible parents. 

I am not a believer in open marriages, I truly believe it almost all cases it is disaster in the end. A wife telling a man "what if we have an open marriage", to most men, gives the message that he is not enough for you. It is emasculating. 

I will also speak clearly here, not from my marriage, but from my childhood with parents who drank. Alcohol abuse is like drug abuse, it is a sure way to have a dysfunctional marriage and household and often is tied to physical and verbal abuse. 

You have already identified a fight that turned physical, with alcohol being a factor. For the love of your child - you two need to fix your issues now. Guess what, the stress of having a baby will not go away. But that child should not witness or be in a position to suffer the stuff you described. 

Of course, I am speaking from a belief system of a traditional, loving marriage and family. If you want to continue down the open marriage, drinking and h3ll raising path, ignore my advice. Good luck


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

We are not going to have an open marriage. I don’t agree with it either. He has stopped drinking and I think he is very much trying. I very much want this to work out too.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I have had just had a hard time forgiving him. I am hoping more time will help us both. I am sure he knows I don’t actually want an open marriage.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Bringing up that you think you should consider an open marriage just to try to hurt him was one of the dumbest things you could do... Why would you do that? You said you did it to hurt him, so that means you wanted to make him think you wanted to have sex with others because that would hurt him? That's incredibly cruel.

Clearly you didn't want to marry this guy, or have kids. It's good that you've grown to love your child, but I'm not holding out much hope for your marriage. You both are acting like children, just trying to say the meanest things to hurt each other. Maybe you can work it out in MC. Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jd8475 said:


> I have had just had a hard time forgiving him. I am hoping more time will help us both. I am sure he knows I don’t actually want an open marriage.


It's not something you should automatically forgive and forget. It takes time and it takes a history of you seeing that he will never do it again. He has to change his behavior. He probably does just need to quit drinking but I don't know.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Both of you need to mature quite a bit before you make any more lifelong decisions. Continue with your counseling.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I mean yeah. A few days earlier he physically hurt me. But yes it was very stupid and I realize I am not blameless.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Where did he say he was all that night, and when you say the fight got physical what exactly do you mean?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jd8475 said:


> I mean yeah. A few days earlier he physically hurt me. But yes it was very stupid and I realize I am not blameless.


There is no excuse for him physically hurting you. None. Do not accept it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jd8475 said:


> I mean yeah. A few days earlier he physically hurt me. But yes it was very stupid and I realize I am not blameless.


I don't know how I skimmed over the part where he physically hurt you, but domestic violence gets worse instead of better over time so now I just have to tell you to leave him if he physically hurt you and even if you think you have some blame in it. You don't want a relationship like that and it's the worst thing for children. I mean maybe if you find out the only time he's like that is what he's drunk and he totally quits drinking then maybe but I don't see why you take a chance on it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> I mean yeah. A few days earlier he physically hurt me. But yes it was very stupid and I realize I am not blameless.



You are completely blameless for him hitting you, even if you hit him first. He could of held your wrist until the two of you calmed down. 

If he hit you first, then you should have thrown his ass in jail. Never take responsibility for a coward hitting you, because that is exactly what he is. 

I suggest filing a police report and divorcing him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jd8475 said:


> no neither of us have ever cheated. I brought up having an open marriage purely to hurt him. Neither of us ever did anything.





Jd8475 said:


> I mean yeah. A few days earlier he physically hurt me. But yes it was very stupid and I realize I am not blameless.


Intentionally hurting someone whether physically or through mental anguish is abuse. 

You both need to draw a hard line in the sand against hurting each other and abuse needs to be a deal breaker. 

If you two want to be together and raise your child together in a healthy two-parent household, you both need to do some heavy lifting.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

He said he was with his friends but could never really tell me why he couldn’t send me a text. He was probably just drunk.

he started pushing and grabbing me, got on top of me, choked me twice, grabbed my hair, and my lip got messed up but I’m not really sure how

he has stopped drinking


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> . He could of held your wrist until the two of you calmed down.


Dude!!! You’ve watched too many Hollywood movies from the 50s, 

Have you actually ever been in a fight? How many wrists did you hold until people calmed down.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

He understands and knows I will have to leave if anything like it ever happens again and things have gotten much better


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I didn’t get physical first


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> I didn’t get physical first


Any person who hits their spouse is not worth the oxygen they breathe.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jd8475 said:


> He understands and knows I will have to leave if anything like it ever happens again and things have gotten much better


So he gets a pass for punching you out the first time?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jd8475 said:


> I brought up maybe we could have an open marriage. To be really honest I brought this up purely to hurt him because I knew it would and it did. I don’t want an open marriage in the slightest.


Playing games like ^^this^^ has no place in a marriage. Period.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm shocked that some are referring to you two as kids, you're mid and late 20's ffs, hardly kids or teens. 

He had no business going out drinking and leaving you home with a two WEEK old baby. Who tf does that?? I'd have cracked it if my husband even thought about doing that.

He had NO RIGHT to put his hands on you. His consequences should have been swift and severe for doing so. You should have called the police. You are 0% responsible for his actions there.

Your comment about an open marriage was cruel and callous. No excuse for that either.

I'm glad you're getting counselling together. I think you should leave for the DV but if you do stay, I hope you will absolutely leave if he ever so much as raises his hand to you again.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> He said he was with his friends but could never really tell me why he couldn’t send me a text. He was probably just drunk.
> 
> he started pushing and grabbing me, got on top of me, choked me twice, grabbed my hair, and my lip got messed up but I’m not really sure how
> 
> he has stopped drinking


You need to send him packing. No "next time", that sounds exactly like a victim of domestic abuse.
That said the next relationship you get into don't say you want an open marriage unless you want to guarantee that your partner NEVER trusts you again


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I wouldn’t really say he got a pass as it has really effected our relationship. I never should have suggested the open marriage thing. I know it was wrong and has messed with him and I wouldn’t say anything like that again.

I didn’t really care if he went out for a couple of hours but yeah I didn’t think he would be gone all night and just ignore me.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jd8475 said:


> I wouldn’t really say he got a pass as it has really effected our relationship.


The "pass" is on the domestic violence that he committed against you. Even if you had said he has the tiniest pecker you've ever seen, there is no excuse for him hitting or choking you.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> The "pass" is on the domestic violence that he committed against you. Even if you had said he has the tiniest pecker you've ever seen, there is no excuse for him hitting or choking you.


I completely agree and it is why I have had such a hard time getting over things.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years. I am 25, he is 28. Everything was great until life got more stressful. We got pregnant, had a kid then we had to get serious about our responsibilities and learn how to become parents. We got married while I was pregnant. When I got pregnant it was very stressful. I had zero plans on becoming a mother or getting married at that time and it was a surprise. He was great for most of the pregnancy and was very excited while I was freaked out. Wanted to get married and all of that. He became more stressed as time went on. I was pretty emotional so that probably didn’t help him. As it got closer to delivery we were fighting a lot more and it was pretty bad at times.
> 
> After I had my daughter I was still stressed but not so much about being a mother anymore, fell in love with my daughter and I was genuinely really happy.
> 
> ...


Considering your husband committed physical abuse against you, you now know he has the potential to do it again only and who knows how bad it could get if he gets drunk, he could really hurt you.
My advice is this: do you have parents to stay with for the baby and you if deciding to leave your husband?
If your husband ever lays hands on you again then leave because if he is a physical abuser I can assure it will only become worse.
Think about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> He said he was with his friends but could never really tell me why he couldn’t send me a text. He was probably just drunk.
> 
> he started pushing and grabbing me, got on top of me, choked me twice, grabbed my hair, and my lip got messed up but I’m not really sure how
> 
> he has stopped drinking



If I was your brother, I would have killed him. Never ever let a piece of **** coward touch you again. He is not worth you or any woman doing what he did. It won’t be the last time either, it never is. Get away from this piece of **** before he removes you from your child’s life.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

If I ever decided to leave I would be fine financially and have support. So the consensus is doomed?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> If I ever decided to leave I would be fine financially and have support. So the consensus is doomed?



No discussion about it, you need to leave for your own well-being as well as your child. Do you not realize that he will go after the child as well? If he can do what he did to you, you better believe he can do it to the child.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He can’t love you and beat the **** out of you at the same time. It doesn’t work that way.

Your just getting away before he starts breaking bones.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You shouldn’t stay if there’s violence. Not even once.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Please open your eyes to the type of animal he is.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> If I ever decided to leave I would be fine financially and have support. So the consensus is doomed?


No, I wouldn’t say your relationship is doomed. But it could be if you want, there is never an excuse to hit your spouse and he did that. Regardless of the fact that you said an incredibly mean thing to him when he was drunk and knew it would set him off, he needed to be able to not lash out. No excuse for what he did.

I assume he has never been physical with you before. If he truly stops drinking and becomes a better husband then you have a chance. Again, if that’s truly what you want. If you think the M was a mistake then there is no reason to delay the D. Give it some thought.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I brought up the open marriage thing a few days after we fought not during.

thanks everyone


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> No, I wouldn’t say your relationship is doomed. But it could be if you want, there is never an excuse to hit your spouse and he did that. Regardless of the fact that you said an incredibly mean thing to him when he was drunk and knew it would set him off, he needed to be able to not lash out. No excuse for what he did.
> 
> I assume he has never been physical with you before. If he truly stops drinking and becomes a better husband then you have a chance. Again, if that’s truly what you want. If you think the M was a mistake then there is no reason to delay the D. Give it some thought.



Are you joking????

WTF!!!

You want her to stay with a so called man that can BEAT her? Are you ****ing serious?

Did you even read what he did? HE DIDN’T JUST HIT HER!!!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> No, I wouldn’t say your relationship is doomed. But it could be if you want, there is never an excuse to hit your spouse and he did that. Regardless of the fact that you said an incredibly mean thing to him when he was drunk and knew it would set him off, he needed to be able to not lash out. No excuse for what he did.
> 
> I assume he has never been physical with you before. If he truly stops drinking and becomes a better husband then you have a chance. Again, if that’s truly what you want. If you think the M was a mistake then there is no reason to delay the D. Give it some thought.



Do you actually believe that it’s ok for a woman to stay with a guy that beats her when he is drunk?

How about when him isn’t drunk? He is sober then and should be able to restrain how hard he hits her. 

How about only in anger with the full force of his punches?

What if she says something in an argument that really pisses him off? Is that ok then. 

Why would anyone suggest making it work with someone that can beat the **** out of his wife just because he was drunk.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

@Jd8475 please talk with a abuse hotline or someone local. Please do this before another week is gone. Then follow their advice. Please do this if not for yourself then for your kid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Apart from the choking etc(which for me is a deal-breaker)he may well have cheated that night. I mean a guy getting back at 8 am hasn't just been out with his mates.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Imagine if your daughter came to you someday and said that her boyfriend CHOKED her? Being drunk doesn’t excuse that. It really doesn’t. There are people that physically abuse others and people that never would. Alcohol has nothing to do with it. I can’t even fathom my husband going out until 8am, let alone when we had a newborn. And we drink. Bars aren’t open all night. And was he drinking and driving? He’s a FATHER now. Let alone a husband. You’re right to not let this go. I have to ask, how remorseful was he about the physical part? Because he should literally hate himself right now, he should be beside himself for hurting you, he should be consumed with guilt to the point that he can’t function, and if he isn’t, it will happen again. I hope you mean it that you’ll never let it happen again, but I bet you never thought you’d accept it once. This sucks for you. I’m sorry it’s overshadowing what should be the happiest time of your life.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

all i can say here is when a marriage has come to the point there is physical abuse regardless of what has happened it is time to leave. the next time it happens your daughter may not have a mother or father. physical abuse is something i cant condone in any relationship . im sorry your going through this but if you love your daughter and have an option to leave i would seriously think about it. only a coward would raise his hands to a woman


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Are you joking????
> 
> WTF!!!
> 
> ...


No, I’m not joking.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Abusers never change, regardless of any promises they make.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Do you actually believe that it’s ok for a woman to stay with a guy that beats her when he is drunk?
> 
> How about when him isn’t drunk? He is sober then and should be able to restrain how hard he hits her.
> 
> ...


No, I don’t think it’s okay. But, if this is the first time it’s happened and he is addressing it, then I think it should be her decision. Like I said, if she wants to leave him she certainly has cause to do that. There is never any excuse to hit ones spouse. But the reality is that people do choose to give their spouses 2nd chances from time to time, because of abuse including physical abuse, infidelity, psychological abuse, etc. It’s her decision, and she needs to be sure she is keeping herself safe and if she doesn’t move on now she needs to ensure he knows she will move on next time, if that happens. Her choice.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I really don’t think he would cheat on me. 

Yeah he drove home.

he felt horrible the first few days. He was very upset. Then I made the open marriage comment that really messed with him and hurt him. He kind of lost it when I said it then Marriage counseling was his idea.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> No, I don’t think it’s okay. But, if this is the first time it’s happened and he is addressing it, then I think it should be her decision. Like I said, if she wants to leave him she certainly has cause to do that. There is never any excuse to hit ones spouse. But the reality is that people do choose to give their spouses 2nd chances from time to time, because of abuse including physical abuse, infidelity, psychological abuse, etc. It’s her decision, and she needs to be sure she is keeping herself safe and if she doesn’t move on now she needs to ensure he knows she will move on next time, if that happens. Her choice.


You obviously don’t have a clue what an angry drunk is like. I also don’t believe OP told us the true extent of her injuries from that beating, they never do. Just like her trying to take the blame for it when it never was her fault. A woman should NEVER stay with someone that can do what her husband did to her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> No, I don’t think it’s okay. But, if this is the first time it’s happened and he is addressing it, then I think it should be her decision. Like I said, if she wants to leave him she certainly has cause to do that. There is never any excuse to hit ones spouse. But the reality is that people do choose to give their spouses 2nd chances from time to time, because of abuse including physical abuse, infidelity, psychological abuse, etc. It’s her decision, and she needs to be sure she is keeping herself safe and if she doesn’t move on now she needs to ensure he knows she will move on next time, if that happens. Her choice.


How many second chances after being beaten lead to the death of the wife I wonder.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> I really don’t think he would cheat on me.
> 
> Yeah he drove home.
> 
> he felt horrible the first few days. He was very upset. Then I made the open marriage comment that really messed with him and hurt him. He kind of lost it when I said it then Marriage counseling was his idea.


I hope it works out for you. Good luck in MC.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> I really don’t think he would cheat on me.
> 
> Yeah he drove home.
> 
> he felt horrible the first few days. He was very upset. Then I made the open marriage comment that really messed with him and hurt him. He kind of lost it when I said it then Marriage counseling was his idea.











NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence


NCADV is the voice of victims and survivors. We are the catalyst for changing society to have zero tolerance for domestic violence. We do this by affecting public policy, increasing understanding of the impact of domestic violence, and providing programs and education that drive that change.




ncadv.org





Do you still think she should give him a second chance at beating her?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> No, I don’t think it’s okay. But, if this is the first time it’s happened and he is addressing it, then I think it should be her decision. Like I said, if she wants to leave him she certainly has cause to do that. There is never any excuse to hit ones spouse. But the reality is that people do choose to give their spouses 2nd chances from time to time, because of abuse including physical abuse, infidelity, psychological abuse, etc. It’s her decision, and she needs to be sure she is keeping herself safe and if she doesn’t move on now she needs to ensure he knows she will move on next time, if that happens. Her choice.


How about you let someone beat you unconscious then give them a second chance to do it again. This is exactly what you are recommending OP to do at the hands of her husband.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> How many second chances after being beaten lead to the death of the wife I wonder.


You sho


ABHale said:


> How about you let someone beat you unconscious then give them a second chance to do it again. This is exactly what you are recommending OP to do at the hands of her husband.


You really seem to be unhinged, I’m going to ignore you now and I recommend you do the same to my profile. That way you can relax and bit and give your caps lock key a break. Take care.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

We had a DV situation in our area around one or two years ago. The wife was at work and her husband walked in the back door of the office. He walked up to his wife and shot her in front of everyone there and tried to turn the gun on himself. That is when one of the men there tackled him to the ground and prevented him from taking the cowardly way out. Unfortunately she passed away. He worked for the school system and no one saw this coming. She never reported anything that happened to her before the end of her life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Exit37 said:


> You sho
> 
> You really seem to be unhinged, I’m going to ignore you now and I recommend you do the same to my profile. That way you can relax and bit and give your caps lock key a break. Take care.


And you really seem to be ok with men hitting their wives as long as they don’t do it to often.

So, if a friend beat your wife would you be telling your wife to forgive and give the friend a second chance?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> If I ever decided to leave I would be fine financially and have support. So the consensus is doomed?


The odds are far from in your favor. That 'next time' he could seriously harm or kill you. Respect yourself enough to not put yourself at risk. Get a restraining order and leave the loser bum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> I really don’t think he would cheat on me.
> 
> Yeah he drove home.
> 
> he felt horrible the first few days. He was very upset. Then I made the open marriage comment that really messed with him and hurt him. He kind of lost it when I said it then Marriage counseling was his idea.


So he is also a drunk driver. Good grief he could have killed someone. 😠 I would have been furious in your position. 
If he didn't cheat where was he till 8 am? Whose house? Sorry, you are being naive. At the very least I would want him to take a lie detector test about that night. 

The trouble is that now he has used violence he has shown what he is capable of. The chances of him not drinking again ever is very small.
Personally I would feel very very unsafe being in a house with a man who had tried to strangle me. All it will take is another row, another bad patch in the marriage, another few drinks, and bam, he will do it again.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> I really don’t think he would cheat on me


You probably also never thought he would hit you, choke you and be a violent piece of manure, right?

Honey, it is time to wake up. I am nearly certain he was cheating on you with someone else that night he mysteriously disappeared and you just don't want to admit that's the most likely explanation. It's easier to assume he was just drunk but it's obvious he was up to no good.

Get away from this man. This marriage is doomed, yes.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> *I would prefer our marriage to work out of course but I am having trouble getting past it. We have sex all of the time and spend a lot of time together so I’m not saying it is all bad or that I hate him. He is a good dad, we have everything we need and he puts a lot of effort into our marriage. Our daughter is 5 months old now. Is their hope? Do I just give this more time*


Take off the rose-colored glasses.

A "good dad" doesn't act like a damned 19-year-old fraternity kid and stay out all night drinking and partying (and God knows *what* else - better get yourself an STD test) and come crawling back home at 8 am the next day. So no, your husband is NOT a 'good father.' Thank God *ONE* of you is responsible enough to stay home and take care of your baby and not act like an irresponsible idiot. I can see why you want to keep Prince Charming - he's such a catch.

*



...no neither of us have ever cheated. I brought up having an open marriage purely to hurt him. Neither of us ever did anything.

Click to expand...

*You are in denial. I'll say it again - take OFF the rose-colored glasses.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> he started pushing and grabbing me, got on top of me, choked me twice, grabbed my hair, and my lip got messed up but I’m not really sure how


OP, he will do it again. I know you might not believe that, but he will. If he had it in him to physically abuse you once, he has it in him, period. Normal men don't beat-up women, not even once. My advice is you should leave him.

If you're interested, below I've quoted a bit from two of my posts. It's a glimpse into the abuse I endured at the hands of my ex-husband. The first time it happened, he apologized over and over again and promised he would never do it again. He never stopped physically abusing me and at one point, I started saying I was going to call the police on him but never did at the time, and then he started to sometimes throw the phone at me after he had hit me and would say, "Here, call the police", and walked away, knowing I wouldn't call.

Well, one night I did call the police on him after he beat me up pretty bad. My blood was on the snow on the front lawn. I remember calling 911 and I was silent for a moment or two, I couldn't get the words out, in a way I couldn't believe I was actually calling the police on him and I froze for a few seconds, but I finally did speak. The police arrived, I think 8 or 9 police SUVs showed up, there were a lot. The ex had taken off in his car, but the police found him and arrested him. That night was the end of that marriage--Thank God.



ABHale said:


> How about you let someone beat you unconscious then give them a second chance to do it again.


That happened to me by my ex-husband.
I think this was my second post here:


so_sweet said:


> One afternoon I woke up lying down in the hallway of our home. I was face down in a small pool of my own blood. He had attacked me that day when I tried to leave him. Holding my head by my hair, he repeatedly banged my head on the floor, telling me to never try leaving him again. I’m not sure how long I was unconscious and I think I might’ve been left for dead as he was not home when I woke up.


Anyone who wants to read the full post can click where it says my username. That post was in appreciation of my second husband whom I've been married to for 15 years and the abuse from my first marriage was mentioned to give a bit of background.

Here's another post from a few months ago:
Edit: oops, post is from last month not a few months ago.


so_sweet said:


> I had a C-section and my son was about a week old at the time. My ex-husband was sitting on the couch with our newborn sleeping in his lap and I was hurrying by to get to the washroom. The ex asked me to pass him the baby socks that were on a nearby table. I tossed the socks to him and went down the hallway to the washroom.
> 
> The next thing I knew he slammed me against the hallway wall (it cracked) and had me by the neck. He punched and slapped me and screamed in my face that I "hit the baby". He accused me of hitting the baby with the baby socks that I tossed to him on the couch. Do you know how lightweight newborn socks are? I made sure he got the socks after I tossed them to him and one sock landed on the couch and the other sock landed partially on the baby's leg and partially on the ex (baby was in ex's lap).
> 
> ...


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## Leavingyou (1 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years. I am 25, he is 28. Everything was great until life got more stressful. We got pregnant, had a kid then we had to get serious about our responsibilities and learn how to become parents. We got married while I was pregnant. When I got pregnant it was very stressful. I had zero plans on becoming a mother or getting married at that time and it was a surprise. He was great for most of the pregnancy and was very excited while I was freaked out. Wanted to get married and all of that. He became more stressed as time went on. I was pretty emotional so that probably didn’t help him. As it got closer to delivery we were fighting a lot more and it was pretty bad at times.
> 
> After I had my daughter I was still stressed but not so much about being a mother anymore, fell in love with my daughter and I was genuinely really happy.
> 
> ...


Is he an alcoholic? Is he getting help for this as well?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Has he said anything to you about being so violent, OP? And if so, what does he think about it?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Jd8475
You need to re-read @so_sweet 's *post #60* over and over. She is giving you great advice from experience.



so_sweet said:


> OP, he will do it again. I know you might not believe that, but he will. If he had it in him to physically abuse you once, he has it in him, period. Normal men don't beat-up women, not even once. My advice is you should leave him.
> 
> If you're interested, below I've quoted a bit from two of my posts. It's a glimpse into the abuse I endured at the hands of my ex-husband. The first time it happened, he apologized over and over again and promised he would never do it again. He never stopped physically abusing me and at one point, I started saying I was going to call the police on him but never did at the time, and then he started to sometimes throw the phone at me after he had hit me and would say, "Here, call the police", and walked away, knowing I wouldn't call.
> 
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I really don’t believe him cheating is any concern here at this moment.

Him putting his hands around @Jd8475 throat choking her is the more serious issue. Her safety should be the main concern at this time.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> I have had just had a hard time forgiving him. I am hoping more time will help us both. I am sure he knows I don’t actually want an open marriage.


Forgiving what? That night out?

How long ago was that and was that the last time?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I really don’t believe him cheating is any concern here at this moment.
> 
> Him putting his hands around @Jd8475 throat choking her is the more serious issue. Her safety should be the main concern at this time.


It may make her more likely to realize she needs to leave.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Forgiving what? That night out?
> 
> How long ago was that and was that the last time?


Forgiving her husband for beating the crap out of her. Maybe you should read the thread through.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Forgiving her husband for beating the crap out of her. Maybe you should read the thread through.


Yes I clearly need to reread. Apologies.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yes I clearly need to reread. Apologies.


No offense on my part. I have missed things as well.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ABHale said:


> No offense on my part. I have missed things as well.


I went back and see where she said it got really physical. Assuming she got more descriptive as posters questioned her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I went back and see where she said it got really physical. Assuming she got more descriptive as posters questioned her.


Yes, apparently he tried to strangle her twice.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, apparently he tried to strangle her twice.


I put up with a whole boat load of ridiculous, however I was never physically abused. Well, doorways blocks, pushed against being help back from leaving a room, but never had hands on me. I think my prior husband knew, that was the one thing I would not tolerate. 

And I’m not sure I could forgive that either.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I went back and see where she said it got really physical. Assuming she got more descriptive as posters questioned her.


I don’t believe she has said everything that happened.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

If a man ignores his wife and stays out until dawn, he should be nothing but absolutely apologetic when he returns and better have an iron-clad alibi for exactly where he was, with contact info for others who can verify that alibi. How he could escalate to violence in discussion of that situation is puzzling.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

In response to reading this,my brain just pulled up the lyrics to the Devo song "Love Without Anger":


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

The part about forgetting to make it home one night, causing a great big fight...


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> He said he was with his friends but could never really tell me why he couldn’t send me a text. He was probably just drunk.
> 
> he started pushing and grabbing me, got on top of me, choked me twice, grabbed my hair, and my lip got messed up but I’m not really sure how
> 
> he has stopped drinking


you need to leave. I’m sad that you think this is normal. It’s Fn nuts. Never put up with that. He’s trash. Why are you with him?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> I wouldn’t really say he got a pass as it has really effected our relationship. I never should have suggested the open marriage thing. I know it was wrong and has messed with him and I wouldn’t say anything like that again.
> 
> I didn’t really care if he went out for a couple of hours but yeah I didn’t think he would be gone all night and just ignore me.


He beat you, real men never do that. No excuse he’s a ****head and you need to leave


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> I really don’t think he would cheat on me.
> 
> Yeah he drove home.
> 
> he felt horrible the first few days. He was very upset. Then I made the open marriage comment that really messed with him and hurt him. He kind of lost it when I said it then Marriage counseling was his idea.


He would cheat on you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No there isn’t hope


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

If our marriage gets worse in any way I’m out. You guys are probably right though.

I know he feels bad. He has apologized a bunch. I don’t think he is an alcoholic and he stopped drinking. The only counseling either of us do is marriage counseling and he has high hopes for us lol.

The night we got into our big fight he said he was at a friend’s house. He could have just gotten to drunk and fell asleep or he could have cheated I guess. I never thought he would cheat on me especially 2 weeks postpartum but I realize typing this out how dumb that is. Honestly probably the most likely time for it to happen since we hadn’t had sex in a while. I will think about it though because I’m really not sure but I will get an std test. That was the first and only fight we had like that. Before and during most of the pregnancy things were great so I’m not sure what happened, sure it was both of us.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Cheating is bad but he beat you. And you gave or had a newborn. What a prince, not.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Cheating is bad but he beat you. And you gave or had a newborn. What a prince, not.


Yeah there is no excuse to being physical. None. If it was the one and only time, meh. But how do you find that out? Eeeek. Idk. 

I was married to an alcoholic, I know what that’s like and he abused me every way but physical. We all have our thresholds I guess and that was mine and my ex knew it. He never took it that far, that doesn’t mean I should have stayed.. yet I chose to.

Anyhow, the physical would have been the final straw for me.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yeah there is no excuse to being physical. None. If it was the one and only time, meh. But how do you find that out? Eeeek. Idk.
> 
> I was married to an alcoholic, I know what that’s like and he abused me every way but physical. We all have our thresholds I guess and that was mine and my ex knew it. He never took it that far, that doesn’t mean I should have stayed.. yet I chose to.
> 
> Anyhow, the physical would have been the final straw for me.


Yeah I am thinking about everything and glad I got some different perspectives. I haven’t talked to anyone about it.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> Yeah I am thinking about everything and glad I got some different perspectives. I haven’t talked to anyone about it.


I stayed because I had hope, but my relationship was me sided. My husband would not seek help, any counseling he ever had was surface level, he was never honest with the therapist and he continued to drink even after saying he’d stopped.

If your husband is making an effort well, you have to give him that, if he has never threatened you again since that incident (not sure how long it’s been) well maybe that hold weight. There will be many who say no, leave. But only you know who he is. We don’t.

As for cheating, you don’t know, if you bring it up, it will just be salt on a wound and is it really not just as bad you saying to open marriage thing just to wound him? Get my point. Tit for tat will never be cool. Not ever. Lord I hope I don’t have this thread mixed up with another. You did say that right?

Learn from your mistake, let him learn from his and see. Otherwise, if there is any further hint of violence, then you already KNOW.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I stayed because I had hope, but my relationship was me sided. My husband would not seek help, any counseling he ever had was surface level, he was never honest with the therapist and he continued to drink even after saying he’d stopped.
> 
> If your husband is making an effort well, you have to give him that, if he has never threatened you again since that incident (not sure how long it’s been) well maybe that hold weight. There will be many who say no, leave. But only you know who he is. We don’t.
> 
> ...


Yes same thread. Yeah I have a lot of guilt about that one. And it was around 4.5 months ago. Tit for tat is pointless you are right. Thanks.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Leave asap. No excuses or passes.

Things are only going to get worse, and he'll continue to do it.

Plus, I guarantee you that he's cheating.

He views you as his and only his property.

What are you waiting for???


For him to do it again (he will)

For him to start abusing the daughter as well?( He might)


For your daughter to internalize it more and wind up as a doormat and punching bag just like her mom??


For her to grow up resenting you or the both of you for not divorcing, and leaving?? 

For her to intentionally be exposed to a terrible upbringing by both parents??

Leave.

Be a proper role model and parent for your daughter.



I don't understand how you still allow him access to you physically and every other way..

Him abusing you and possibly almost killing you warrants a "reward"?

Leave.
File a police report against him.

Definitely go to individual therapy.

You have a "battered" woman's mindset ...
Along with your issues, including those of extremely low or non existent self esteem.

Don't ask this site 20 years later (if it's still around and if you are too)


Why your daughter possibly refuses to have a relationship with you...

Get out


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> Before and during most of the pregnancy things were great so I’m not sure what happened, *sure it was both of us*.


No. 

He got incredibly violent with you. That isn't "both" of you. My guess? He'd had someone else in the wings for a bit and finally got to meet up with her that night. And exploded on you when you rightly called him on his suspicious absence. 

I would have been done then and there. He's a dangerous person. Full stop. There would absolutely be no second chances.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

It is hard for me to make the jump to divorce when it happened so long ago, started marriage counseling, and have a very young baby without him giving me another reason since this was a while ago. So if things get out of hand again then yeah I’m gone. I know it probably will and feel like I already have one foot out of the relationship


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> I don't understand how you still allow him access to you physically and every other way..
> 
> Him abusing you and possibly almost killing you warrants a "reward"?.


I’m confused. You are surprised I still have sex with him? I’m going to go through his phone and we will see.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I just wanted to get some outside opinions because I can’t talk to
My family and friends about everything that has been going on. Thank you all.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No one can judge your reasons. I somewhat understand why you're staying, your reasons are your own. We all are adding our opinions to help, and hopefully you know that it's not to judge, but to help you.

For your own safety though, I'd hold off on growing your family, and having more kids until you can see that he has truly changed.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon. You guys have been very helpful. It was nice to just tell someone. I really haven’t considered that he has been cheating on me so now I’m going to try to figure that out too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Beside punching you, let's just look at him stumbling in at 8 a.m. while you are home with a tiny infant. This doesn't bother you? Doesn't sound like father material to me. Sounds more like an irresponsible kid. JMO


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Jd8475 said:


> So there was one night when my husband went out with his friends *when my daughter was 2 weeks old*. I didn’t care and told him to have fun. Said he would be back around 12 so when I woke up with my daughter at 1:30 got no reply. Texted and called him 3 more times and never got a reply. When I actually got up for the morning at 8 he walked in. Asked him where he was and why didn’t he text me. He was clearly out of it up and I could tell he was in a bad mood already. We got into a big fight, it got really bad, really physical. I contribute it to mostly alcohol and stress.





Jd8475 said:


> *Our daughter is 5 months old now*. Is their hope? Do I just give this more time





Jd8475 said:


> It is hard for me to make the jump to divorce *when it happened so long ago*, started marriage counseling, and have a very young baby without him giving me another reason *since this was a while ago*.


He got physically abusive when your daughter was 2 weeks old. Your daughter is now 5 months old. I don't think 4 and a half months ago is "so long ago". I might even consider 4.5 months recent, especially when considering the time that's elapsed since he beat you up. Okay, a question: do you consider that you had your 5 month old baby "so long ago"?

I mention the above because I think you might be excusing his abusive actions by saying it happened so long ago.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

It absolutely bothered me. I just had a baby and for the first time. Really had no idea what I was doing yet. Yeah I wish I would have known these things before we got married and had a kid.

you are right it really wasn’t very long ago. My main point was some time has passed, we are in counseling, have a 5 month old, he stopped drinking since it happened and it is hard for me to justify leaving quite yet when we have taken these steps since.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> It absolutely bothered me. I just had a baby and for the first time. Really had no idea what I was doing yet. Yeah I wish I would have known these things before we got married and had a kid.
> 
> you are right it really wasn’t very long ago. My main point was some time has passed, we are in counseling, have a 5 month old, he stopped drinking since it happened and it is hard for me to justify leaving quite yet when we have taken these steps since.


The reason why I would end it is because the next time he tries to strangle you he may succeed. Then you have a baby left with no parents.
For my child's sake I couldn't put her well being at risk even if I wouldn't leave for myself only. 

Does your counsellor know what he did to you and that he stayed out all night?


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The reason why I would end it is because the next time he tries to strangle you he may succeed. Then you have a baby left with no parents.
> For my child's sake I couldn't put her well being at risk even if I wouldn't leave for myself only.
> 
> Does your counsellor know what he did to you and that he stayed out all night?


He knows things got physical, didn’t ask for details and knows he was gone all night yeah.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> He knows things got physical, didn’t ask for details and knows he was gone all night yeah.


Does he know that he twice tried to strangle you? If he is any sort of decent counsellor he would advise you to leave.
.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Jd8475 said:


> It absolutely bothered me. I just had a baby and for the first time. Really had no idea what I was doing yet. Yeah I wish I would have known these things before we got married and had a kid.
> 
> you are right it really wasn’t very long ago. My main point was some time has passed, we are in counseling, have a 5 month old, he stopped drinking since it happened and it is hard for me to justify leaving quite yet when we have taken these steps since.


I'm just worried about your and your baby's well-being and it looks like everyone in this thread is. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was married to a physically abusive man, and I don't want you or anyone to go through what I went through.

Please stay safe.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

yeah he knows. If there is so much as _hint _of anything else I will be gone. Promise. Or if I find out he cheated on me. Hope it would work out but I really doubt it as well.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He will probably kill rather than let you leave. I mean he physically assaulted the mother of his newborn. He’s lower than dog ****.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Jd8475 said:


> Yes same thread. Yeah I have a lot of guilt about that one. And it was around 4.5 months ago. Tit for tat is pointless you are right. Thanks.


Don’t live in guilt girl. Just know you messed up and don’t do that particular mess up again. If you apologized, don’t grovel.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jd8475 said:


> I’m confused. You are surprised I still have sex with him? I’m going to go through his phone and we will see.


Can you clarify the choking? Was it a grab by the throat or a tried to strangle you, as in choke to death? Some are thinking all over the map on it. Same with being assaulted vs being beaten. Beaten was my mother in law when her hubby beat all her teeth out and then drove her half way across the US without any medical attention bleeding all over the car. She now has false teeth, upper and lower.

Neither is acceptable, but the severity of it would lead me to different conclusions as to danger of being around him.


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Can you clarify the choking? Was it a grab by the throat or a tried to strangle you, as in choke to death? Some are thinking all over the map on it. Same with being assaulted vs being beaten. Beaten was my mother in law when her hubby beat all her teeth out and then drove her half way across the US without any medical attention bleeding all over the car. She now has false teeth, upper and lower.
> 
> Neither is acceptable, but the severity of it would lead me to different conclusions as to danger of being around him.


He never like punched me or anything. Choking was hard, had bruises, couldn’t breathe. No intent to kill me.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> *Can you clarify the choking?* Was it a grab by the throat or a tried to strangle you, as in choke to death? Some are thinking all over the map on it. Same with being assaulted vs being beaten. Beaten was my mother in law when her hubby beat all her teeth out and then drove her half way across the US without any medical attention bleeding all over the car. She now has false teeth, upper and lower.
> 
> Neither is acceptable, but the severity of it would lead me to different conclusions as to danger of being around him.


You're kidding, right? NO choking is acceptable. C'mon man.
This **** needs to be in jail, and she needs a restraining order.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jd8475 said:


> He never like punched me or anything. Choking was hard, had bruises, couldn’t breathe. No intent to kill me.


I would be leery about being around him, drunk or not. To that extent is not someone going off and then saying "Oh crap, what am I doing!" To that extent he has some evil intentions and anger issues. That is restraining order **** right there.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jd8475 said:


> He never like punched me or anything. Choking was hard, had bruises, couldn’t breathe. No intent to kill me.


You not being able to breathe is intent to kill. That is the only reason to squeeze that hard.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Jd8475 said:


> yeah he knows. If there is so much as _hint _of anything else I will be gone. Promise.


Well, if you're alive. Dead women can't leave. If next time his anger goes from zero to 60 in 1 second, you might not have the opportunity to remove yourself from the situation.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Jd8475 said:


> you are right it really wasn’t very long ago. My main point was some time has passed, we are in counseling, have a 5 month old, he stopped drinking since it happened and it is hard for me to justify leaving quite yet when we have taken these steps since.


The problem is that with abusers, they ALWAY act regretful and promise never to do it again the next day. It's a well-known cycle. Your husband is not the first one to do this. The abuse--regret/promise to reform--tension--abuse cycle is well described. The period of regret is part of the cycle, and that's what draws in the victims. There is a hope that the abuser will reform. But it's a false hope. Sooner or later the tension starts again, which will culminate in a crisis involving abuse. 

Don't stay. The cycle will occur again. It doesn't matter if you accuse him of abuse or not--just leave to protect yourself and your baby. As a practical matter, if the abuse charge leads to your husband losing the ability to earn a living, you may lose out on his ability to pay child support or alimony. So you have to make the decision that is best for you in that regard. But you need to leave, whether you bring formal charges or not. That part is not optional.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

snowbum said:


> No there isn’t hope


That about sums it up.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Jd8475 said:


> If I ever decided to leave I would be fine financially and have support. So the consensus is doomed?


then leave him! If you stay - he knows fully well he can do the abuse worse and you stay.

Your actions show any answer he needs. Filing for divorce against any abuse is the right answer every single time.

get out while you can. Go asap to a safe place and don’t look back. Beware - don’t ever be alone with him again - it only gives him the opportunity to cause you more harm.

and he cheated - no man stays out all night if he’s not cheating. Either that or drugs. Neither is good. But he couldn’t even apologize for his bad behavior - he chose to beat you up instead. THAT will never be the right way to solve any issue he may have.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

read this over and over:



*Deidre* said:


> You shouldn’t stay if there’s violence. Not even once.


do you want to leave the house one last time - in a body bag?


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## Jd8475 (1 mo ago)

I’m going to think about everything


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

If he choked you to the point you couldn’t breathe, his intent was very much to end your life. 

You are in serous denial about how dangerous he is . I hope you wake up before he succeeds in making your baby motherless.


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