# What a Difference a Year Makes



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It was a year ago today that I told my wife our marriage was circling the drain and headed for divorce unless we BOTH took action fast. While it was the first either of us had spoken about the state of our marriage. It had been percolating in my brain since September 2nd. It was my birthday and it came and went without a card, gift, or anything at all. First she knew she had forgotten it was when our daughter came into our room the next morning with a card and bag of jellybeans singing happy birthday (she was gone with friends on my birthday). My wife turned almost green and left the room without saying a word. 

To all our friends and family, our marriage was great. We were both loving and courteous to each other in public, but behind closed doors it was an entirely different story. We rarely had sex and more closely resembled roommates that didn't get along. And although forgetting my birthday was small in the grand picture, it was basically the last straw for me. 

While It only took me a minute to decide I was not going to live like that anymore. It took nearly three weeks to decide how I was going to get there. Divorce or try to fix it. To tell you the truth, divorce was the front runner for a while. I was done. But in the end I felt that I could not give up with out a fight. In my head, I felt that if I tried that I could at least blame the failed marriage on her. 

So with that I started working on changing. I had a lot of bad habits and I just plain didn't treat her very good. I felt that I needed to change these no matter who I was with. To my surprise it was less than a month later that she came on board and started working with me to make positive changes in ourselves and the marriage. She actually shocked me by announcing that we would have sex twice a week. A stunned Ok was all I could muster upon hearing that. 

While it has not been an easy year, it has been a productive one. Each of us has changed a lot. I probably changed faster early on, with her picking up the pace as this summer came on. We both attended counseling, and she went to see a woman in Texas to get help dealing with her childhood sexual abuse. I tell you that woman did more for her in four days than a year of counseling did. I also got my anger under control. Things that would have sent me into a rage a year ago, barely get a reaction from me today. But In the end, her resolving her issues from her abuse was the key to saving our marriage. 

So I guess we are in the other side now. It was a hard year, and at times I thought we would not get there as a couple. But we did, and more in love than ever before. Both regretting that we threw away the first 20 years of our marriage, but vowing that the next 20 years will be the best ever. 

For the record. This is not a "look what I did, it will work for you too" type thread. I hate those. I'm just sharing our good news as a reminder that not all failing marriages end in divorce. If both spouses are committed and willing to admit and work to change their faults, real and lasting change is possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sharing good news is always welcome in my book. It's fantastic that you both took the path of change for yourselves and the marriage.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Love this! Thanks. Just a small amount of info will definitely impact many couples in an awesome way. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Someone should bump this thread from time to time.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> 1] *So with that I started working on changing.*
> 
> 
> 2] * I had a lot of bad habits and I just plain didn't treat her very good. I felt that I needed to change these no matter who I was with. *
> ...


Congrats on taking responsibility for the negative situation firstly[ # 1] , then _taking charge_ and fixing your marriage.[ # 2]

You have said quite a lot, that I completely agree with, some of it I know from my experience.

When things go wrong in a marriage,there are two sides to the equation, his and hers.

Identifying the exact problem is sometimes a problem.

It takes brutal honesty with oneself for each partner to accept responsibility for what _they_ did wrong. [ # 3]
It takes brutal honesty _and_ courage for both to admit that they need professional help.

But in the end, just like you said,
" _If both spouses are committed and willing to admit and work to change their faults, real and lasting change is possible._"
Again, I know this from my experience.


Best wishes to Ray and his wife on the rest of your journey!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Great to hear OP. Very nice.

I'm glad you too the initiative to change yourself. All too often LOT of marriage issues stem from BOTH people. One fixing themselves often fixes the issues.

Longer I live, more I realize that looking in the mirror and asking yourself "WTF is wrong with you" and figuring yourself out/working on yourself is CRUCIAL (for both).

Human beings are flawed and we often look around at others, when we should be looking at ourselves.

Inability to look in the mirror and identify your own faults, change and fix yourself often makes marriages miserable or ends them IMO.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Another satisfied customer.

Your followup is greatly appreciated, and admired.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

So happy to hear you stop, looked and listened way before hitting the slippery slopes! If only zillions of others would only do or "really" do what you were able to do, then maybe a lot of us wouldnt be on this lousy board. 

It looks like you also had it in you both to feel for each other, & realize maybe you aren't perfect but, value what is there before a third person comes between you & fix why you came together. 

Hopefully you will ride off into old age together, fulling your dreams and her's, your hope and her's. Live your life, and she her's, but you now know how to keep it together for yourself each other. 

~sammy


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Ray

NOt sure how to write this

How are you doing right now? 

Are you two doing anything right now to continue the work in progress? 

Judith


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Evan as head of the CIA here I love a story that is remotely happy.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i love hearing stories like this.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Your post made my day! Two people sincerely working on themselves and there marriage CAN turn things around. Thanks for the summary of your year; I hope it inspires folks not to give up hope. 

Here's to an even better update next year!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So since this all began with a forgetful birthday on her part....how was your birthday this year.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This is great news. Congrats on revitalizing your marriage. I love happy endings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ray, that's so awesome! You took care of your issues because it was the right thing to do with no expectation from her and surprise surprise, she came around! Great news.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> This is great news. Congrats on revitalizing your marriage. *I love happy endings.*


Giggity!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This right here -- RIGHT. F*CKING. HERE. -- is what so many people fail to even consider...



Rayloveshiswife said:


> So with that I started working on changing. I had a lot of bad habits and I just plain didn't treat her very good. *I felt that I needed to change these no matter who I was with.*


Bravo, sir. :smthumbup:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> This right here -- RIGHT. F*CKING. HERE. -- is what so many people fail to even consider...
> 
> 
> 
> Bravo, sir. :smthumbup:


yep. be the man you want to be. 

we are all capable of it, but so few of us actually do it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> . If both spouses are committed and willing to admit and work to change their faults, real and lasting change is possible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So simple, yet so profound. Congrats and thank you.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Just to add to the chorus of approval. 

It is also very decent that you note the mutual contribution. Too often there is false humility in a story of how someone saves their marriage and they are now better than you. This post however, really does have a true spirit of kindness and humility.


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## stanish73 (Jan 24, 2014)

just read this - i've posted how i'm fed up with my marriage and this certainly got me thinking.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Xenote said:


> So since this all began with a forgetful birthday on her part....how was your birthday this year.


I'm really not much of a birthday person. If you remember it, get me a card and maybe a simple gift, I'm good. This year she walks up to me with a card and a bag of jolly rancher jelly beans. It's one of those blank cards you write what you want in. All it says is Follow Me. I look up and she's walking away. At that point I noticed that the her oversize comfy football jersey she was wearing, was all she was wearing. You can use your imagination as to what happened next. 

Thanks guys for all the nice comments. I truely believe this only happened because I stepped out and took the lead without even asking her follow. I used to have bad issues with porn and masterbation, was a control freak and had an anger management problem to boot. All of this is in the past now. Looking back I am truely ashamed of who I used to be. If you had told me a few years ago that in the future we'd be having sex several times a week or that I'd miss my wife when I'm gone overnight (im a truck driver), I would have told you your crazy, but all that and so much more is true. Hell, one year ago we had sex every 6-8 weeks and she rarely let me see her naked. Now if I kiss her juuuust right, her clothes practically fall off. Coolest trick I've ever seen. Don't get me worong, she's still much lower desire than me. But I know how to turn that desire on in a second. 

Here's a cool idea guys & gals that went over big with my wife. Send your wife/husband an invitation on face book to a sexy evening just for the two of you. In mine I described in detail all the things I wanted to do to her sexually. Don't you know she got home an hour early from work that day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't even want to know what happened with those jelly beans!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't even want to know what happened with those jelly beans!


Lol, dude I'm not wasting jolly rancher jelly beans, those things are too hard to find. Besides, we've got other forms of entertainment. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm pretty sure I had taken one of your earlier posts, Rayloveshiswife, and sent it to my girlfriend via email saying this guy really understands what we need to think about in our relationships. Reading your updates made me resend that post to her again, saying 'read this'. I especially agree about the comment about change. My girlfriend is willing to change, but almost too much so - she offers to change because I ask her to, not because she actually wants to. To make it stick, she has to either agree with me the change is necessary, or not do it. It goes both ways, she asks me to change and I can only make the change work if I agree she's right (and mostly she is). 

Anyway, also glad to hear a happy story.


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