# 3 years together and she breaks up.



## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

To Summarize: We are both Divorced and each have 2 kids, we live separately. I have been financially looking after her as best I can, paying rent, etc.. Im not exactly financially stable. She broke up cause I couldn’t buy a house and I haven’t reached financial stability yet. 
She goes into Deep depression, everytime she gets depressed she leaves me, that about 5x a year for 2 day or 1 week then we get back together. It’s a terrible feeling especially when I love her so much and love the kids.
She broke again this time but I feel like it’s the last straw! I love her and want to show her I’m with her no matter what. She had gone to therapy once and the Dr. was terrible, I don’t think she will ever go again. No idea what to do...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Chances are nothing will ever change. Is this the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life? Do you want this type of instability for your kids? She would end up being a step-parent and, if it's not already, her actions will affect your kids.

For things to change, your GF needs to be ready and willing to get help for her mental health, and she may have more than depression. Does she take any medications for her depression? If not, she needs to. If yes, then she needs to speak with her doctor because it doesn't sound like it's working well enough for her. She also needs to get back into therapy. I understand that she had a bad experience with a therapist/doctor but that is not an excuse to never go back.

You cannot force her to get better. You can encourage and guide her but you cannot force her. She has to come to that decision on her own. If she won't, then you need to decide where your boundaries are. If you are unwilling to put up with this, then you need to make that clear. Set an end date and stick to that. If she doesn't get help in x amount of time, then you are done.

You really need to stop enabling her. Why are you paying her rent? Is she not working due to her depression? You realize it sounds like she's only with you for money, right? Why should she work on herself when you pay her rent, her bills AND put up with her unhealthy behavior?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well as much as YOU want to stay with her, if she is this unstable with her depression, I don't think there is much you CAN do. A relationship being 1-sided like this is no relationship.
Her breaking up because you can't buy a house -- sounds like YOU are her ATM and NOT her LTR. She wants YOU to pay the bills for her and her kids from what you've written, but isn't happy with that and wants more. If this is true, do you really want a relationship that is SO tilted to her side of things?


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

unfortunately she only finished high school and her kids are young and can’t leave them alone. 
I treat her kids like mine, love them to bits.
Her behavior affects both our kids.. her kids are even scared to answer back “ I love you “ on the phone, I think she told them off for that. 
When I ask to to maybe seek help she starts saying I’m calling her crazy.. 
Im hoping to go through this week without trying to contact her, maybe it really is time to try to let go but then I think of her kids and how I Love her. 
My kids are suffering seeing what I’m going though, feeling depressed and not in a mood to do anything..


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Unless you are a masochist or just enjoy being used, abused, and discarded,* ghost her.*


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, you guys are not married. I get that you love her. But what you don't understand is that you cannot FORCE her to get help. 

You could help her if she wanted to get better, and you so want that to happen... but she does not really want help...

I get it, i have been there and stayed there for a long time. 

It will never, more than likely get better. And she is the one that has to WANT and get help to get better. 

You need to run. You don't need this in your life and you cannot fix it. I tried, brother it is not worth it. 

Let her go and move on...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You can not fix her. Only she can do that if she wants to.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> You know, you guys are not married. I get that you love her. But what you don't understand is that you cannot FORCE her to get help.
> 
> You could help her if she wanted to get better, and you so want that to happen... but she does not really want help...
> 
> ...


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

She doesn’t believe she needs any fixing ... she doesn’t believe she needs a therapist..


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You aren't married. You have been paying her rent for her. She broke up with you because you couldn't afford to buy a house and you LOVE HER?

Shaking my head at how you could even like someone like this.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, if SHE isn't willing to do the work to improve herself (and it's HER, NOT your relationship if even her kids are afraid of her), nothing you can do about this.
I know you feel awful, like you are "abandoning" her kids, but you can't be a KISA to everyone.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

I even opened a small restaurant to get extra income and stability unfortunately with this whole Covid situation I had to close. 
I feel it’s unfair especially when I gave my true love to her and kids. 
She will always blame me for the break up that I couldn’t do enough and couldn’t give her what she wanted.. I think it really is time to move on. I hope I will and can 🙏


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can. She's a golddigger.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TH1978 said:


> I even opened a small restaurant to get extra income and stability unfortunately with this whole Covid situation I had to close.
> I feel it’s unfair especially when I gave my true love to her and kids.
> She will always blame me for the break up that I couldn’t do enough and couldn’t give her what she wanted.. I think it really is time to move on. I hope I will and can 🙏


Dude, you don't get it... She has been using you as her Knight In Shining Armor the whole time you are together. You are paying her rent, for her and HER Kids? 

Did you guys even have sex? You have basically been paying her to be your friend. 

She is damaged goods and you need to wake up to that. You think you are in love with her, how much more in love would you be if you were actually with someone that loved you and wanted to take care of you... 

We are all telling you that 1) she has huge issues, 2) you are and have been being played. 

Do you understand what people are saying to you???


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

Thank you all for the feedbacks


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jlg07 said:


> Well as much as YOU want to stay with her, if she is this unstable with her depression, I don't think there is much you CAN do. A relationship being 1-sided like this is no relationship.
> Her breaking up because you can't buy a house -- sounds like YOU are her ATM and NOT her LTR. She wants YOU to pay the bills for her and her kids from what you've written, but isn't happy with that and wants more. If this is true, do you really want a relationship that is SO tilted to her side of things?


Also supporting her puts you in the 2 steps forward, 1.5 steps back. 

I sympathize with other people's weaknesses but I'm not going let it be a drag on my life.

If you do start dating someone new, don't talk about how much you supported this woman.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants someone who makes more money than you do. Perhaps she’s already found him.

You need to let go.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

enough is enough....now that she broke up with you, i woudl change your status and as others have mention ghost her, but understand there is no going back, sooner or later you have to grow and move on brother, stop being the doormat you have been


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TH1978 said:


> She doesn’t believe she needs any fixing ... she doesn’t believe she needs a therapist..


They never do.... that is their "normal." You though.... are the one that needs fixing.

That's the game plan they use. Sound familiar?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TH1978 said:


> unfortunately she only finished high school and her kids are young and can’t leave them alone.


How old are her children?

How old is she?

just realized that you are in Azerbaijan. This could change things some.

How easy is it tor women there to find jobs? How about childcare for someone to watch their children?

Is there any kind of welfare and food assistance to help women who are single mothers?

Where is the father of her children? Does he help support his children financially? Does he have them at his house part of the time? 




TH1978 said:


> My kids are suffering seeing what I’m going though, feeling depressed and not in a mood to do anything..


You children need to be your main priority. Shield them from this.

How old are your children. What percentage of the time do you have them with you?


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How old are her children?
> 
> How old is she?
> 
> ...


Father abandoned them 3 years back, 5 and 10, my kids are 13 and 15. I look after my kids alone.
It’s difficult to get a job especially now during these difficult times. 
My kids love her a lot but they see what I’m going through and they know it’s not right and fair.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

I’ve been a single father for almost 5 years looking after my kids alone. My Ex wife is a long story so not bothered to get into that, that’s history.
I met this woman who I truly fell in love with at the end I don’t believe I deserve this treatment at all and my children , her children don’t as it affects them too.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

I just love her so much.. is the time together.. I’m holding myself as best as possible


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

TH1978 said:


> I just love her so much.. is the time together.. I’m holding myself as best as possible



Please tell me you are still not supporting her financially? tell you have cut her off?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Put your own children first.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

You definitely don’t deserve to be whacked with this every time she goes on one of her tangents. you have your kids and that is where your focus should be. I have to ask, if it was such a great love, why separate abodes? Wouldn’t you be in a better financial position to buy a house we’re you not pay rent on two houses? My opinion, take it or leave it is walk away. This crap will be your downfall. You will see that out there, there is someone who will not put you through what you’re going through and be supportive, both financially as well as looking after your well being.
Wishing you the best in your going forward.

OT


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wake up. She’s using you.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

I think she has BPD... if she was just using me then breaking up with me won’t financially help her and especially her kids. I think there is deeper issues and I’m suffering.. I can’t be a Dr. and she wont get treatment.. 
Has anyone had a partner with BPD? I think she has it for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TH1978 said:


> I think she has BPD... if she was just using me then breaking up with me won’t financially help her and especially her kids. I think there is deeper issues and I’m suffering.. I can’t be a Dr. and she wont get treatment..
> 
> Has anyone had a partner with BPD? I think she has it for sure.


I have a step son who has BPD. His mother also have BPD. I raised him from the time he was 11 because his mother abandoned her husband and children when he was younger. It affects each person to a different degree. What I have come to realize is that the disorder is no excuse for any bad behavior. It's the afflicted person's responsibility to mange their disorder and their own behavior. That might seem harsh, but making excuses for people with the disorder is actually harsher because it gives them _carte blanche_ to seriously harm the lives of those who love them.

It's also not good to diagnose people in your life because it's very easy to misdiagnose those who just behave badly as having some sort of mental health issue.

The best way to handle this is to hold her accountable for her behavior whether she has some mental health issues or not.

If you stop having contact with her you will fall out of love with her. The feelings of love are nurtured by being around the person we love. End the contact and the feelings of love will fade with time. She is toxic to you. So treat her like anything that is toxic.... avoid her.

When it comes to her children, you can let them know that you love them and would like a relationship. They can still come see you and your children. Unless you live a very long distance from her, a 15 year old is perfectly capable of visiting you on their own terms. As the children get older they can spend time with you as they choose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

adding to my above post....

You have to respect her decision. Anything else is completely disrespectful. She said that she's done. Then respect it. If she comes back, you deal with that at the time when she comes back.


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## TH1978 (May 20, 2020)

Painful part of going through this is that I truly gave her all my best and Love. I wonder if one day she will understand what she has lost. 
I don’t think I can ever fall in love again.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TH1978 said:


> Painful part of going through this is that I truly gave her all my best and Love. I wonder if one day she will understand what she has lost.
> I don’t think I can ever fall in love again.


@TH1978, I know you feel this way now. Don't give up hope -- you have no idea what the future brings. There are TONS of folks on here who thought the same way when they were getting divorced and TONS of them found great partners after that. You can do the same. Just work on yourself -- exercise, eat right, and try to figure out WHY you picked this woman and how to better read the red flags so you don't do it again ("fix your picker"!)


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

TH1978 said:


> Painful part of going through this is that I truly gave her all my best and Love. I wonder if one day she will understand what she has lost.
> I don’t think I can ever fall in love again.


Take some time and get yourself sorted.
The newness of it makes it raw.
Time is your friend.
There are plenty of deserving women out there.
Go find one when you are ready.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Has anyone had a partner with BPD? I think she has it for sure.


Yes, TH, I was married to my BPD ex-wife for 15 years. Throughout that period, I spent a fortune sending her to weekly sessions with 6 different psychologists and taking her to 3 different MCs. Sadly, all that therapy did not make a dent in her BPD because she would not do the hard work necessary to learn the many coping skills she never had an opportunity to learn in childhood. 

If you decide to remain in the relationship with your partner, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what you and the kids are dealing with.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your partner's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed. 

This is why hundreds of mental health centers post the list of BPD symptoms on their public websites. They know that, when the lay public is able to spot these warning signs, they are far more likely to seek professional help -- and will do so much sooner.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of *18 BPD Warning Signs* to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TH1978 said:


> My Ex wife is a long story so not bothered to get into that, that’s history.
> .


Are you sure you are not falling for women who are not there for you emotionally, or otherwise? It seems you might be attracted to drama. 
Maybe you should start IC too, to figure yourself out.


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