# Need Lady's advice Please



## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

My wife and I have been seperated for two weeks now. Without going into a long story. she left because of a lot of different problems. She is staying with her mother achange nd said she needed some space to think things out. We have been talking only because of our Son (8 years old). She has stated that she miss's me and love's me. I have had my eyes opened and know now that most if not all is/was my fault. I realize after reading this forum and listening tyo Mort Fertel and reading Dr Hanley's articale's how to change and become a better person/Husband and Father. We had a nice dinner last night. Just plesent conversation. Only spoke a little aboust our problems. So know I love Her more than anything in this world and I have told Her about my efforts to become a better person. There isn't any physcial abuse. I hope this is enough to answer my question.
I asked her last night to come back to our home and give me s60 days to prove that I can become the husband she deserves.
I called her this morning just to say goodmorning and tell her i had a wonerful time last night this was at 9:15 am She said she was running late and would call me back. It is now 12:21 and no call. I know she is not that busy at work because we used to talk several time's each day
Question: Does this sould like a Lady that is intersted in getting back together?
I know there's not a lot of info. I will answer any questions you might have, Thank You


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that she will have to see your changes with her own eyes to believe any of it, especially if there was talk of any problems before and you happened to either ignore it, or fix it for a week and revert back to the same old thing.

I will say that she could be really hesitant to move back in, with that exact fear that you will just fall back into the same routine after a few weeks. I think you should probably offer suggestions to fix problems permanently ( I don't know whether some would need counseling or not, you didn't state what the problems were) and you both need to work on communicating with each other calmly so you can fix things before it gets to a breaking point. 

As for the phone call, it could be an honestly busy day and she either forgot or just got really busy at work.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

I agree with Dawn. This is not really enough information to tell how your wife feels. But if there have been problems for a while, she will have to see that there is a difference before she is comfortable trusting you with her feelings again. When things get to this point, words do not always mean a whole lot. It is your actions that will speak volumes. Just continue to do what you know is right, and be patient. It will take time.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Thank You both for responding. I will try and geive you details. The following is an e-mail she sent to me
I dont think turning in your rags is the answer. There is so much more that just the club. Yes I do feel like the club has come first and I am just as guilty of putting them first before my kids. I feel like I have chosen you and the club over my kids just to keep peace and they have been neglected. I know nothing about our finances. Do realize that if something happened to you, I would have know way to take care of the house because I dont have access to bank accounts. I dont want to spend your money I just want to be able to take care of us. Even leaving the club cant fix that. And leaving the club cant fix the relationship you and the boys have. I know you dont like to do things with us and I am tired of it being a strain on my relationship with you and with them. You dont enjoy the things I do and I understand that. But I dont want to stress over that anymore either. I shouldn't have to choose between you and the kids. Money is a huge issue to. You get mad any time I bring it up. We cant have a civil conversation about it because you get frustrated and I feel like you are blaming it on me. I feel like you have no respect for me at all. I don't know if this relationship is fixable. I love you but I wont live like this anymore. I hate to say it but the past few days have been calm and peaceful and I have enjoyed it. I just really need some time to figure this all out

This is one from me to her

, Well it’s been a week since you left. This first week has been very painful and full of hurt. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I started searching the net for answers to our problem’s and ran across a web site that made me look inward into my heart and feelings toward you and the boys (this includes Jacob). What I discovered was that without really knowing it I have been selfish toward you guys. I realize that even thou I thought I was doing things to please you I was really only doing what I wanted to do. And for this I am truly sorry. I know now that I should have been a better and more understanding husband to you. A better father to J. It’s made me understand I should have tried harder with Z and R. It may be too late for me to make amends to you and the boys. But, I really want to try. This week has also made me realize how much I need and want you. I Love you with all of my being. Having J this weekend has been a wonderful time. I have enjoyed being with Him so much. It has made me realize that I should have been spending more quality time with you all. Especially more time listening to your feelings and desires, I don’t know if you feel it’s too late to try and make our marriage work, I hope not. I think if we still Love each other then we can work it out. Maybe we need to sit down and discuss how to be IN LOVE with each other again. I want you to be truly happy. There are some things that I feel we can do to get there. Talk about the path to become more trusting, more loving and more open with each other. I want to put you first and the boys second in my life. I want you and J to feel secure and loved, I just hope and pray that you will agree and want to make our life together work. I promise I will become a better person a better husband a better father and a better friend.

I deleted names and some other too personal things
She has two teenage boys and we have one 9 year old son. Thank You so much. I just got off the phone with her. I called to see if she wanted me to pick up our Little Man from school


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

On the matter of money. She had a drug problem at one time and spent a lot of money on that, So I have never put her on my accounts. So has been clean now for five years I think. I told her I would put her on my account and let her handle all the money if that is what she wanted. I also told her I would perfer that we do it together. She can have all my passwords to everythin even Facebook. Hopes this helps


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

Your emails almost made me tear up because this is so much like the situation I am in right now. The things she said sound exactly like what I have said to my husband lately. 

What I think from reading what she said is that she really does still care for you, and my general feeling is that there might be hope for you. My husband and I have problems because I genuinely feel most of the time that the kids and I get on his nerves. Like the noise, dirt, etc. that comes along with kids and the things we do is just too much for him. So I end up doing most of the stuff that I do alone with the kids. I love him and it hurts me so much that I feel like we are a bother to him.

If you really love her, and you want to show her, you have to be the family man she wants you to be. You have to spend time with her and the kids, and you have to learn to enjoy it, not just tolerate it. When my hubby does do stuff with us, it is clear from his actions that he does not want to be there. That is not fair to anyone.

I think that maybe your relationship can be fixed. But I think it will take real committment and effort on your part.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

All you can do at this point is show her. I do think that for this you guys might seek counseling if only for help communicating. She mentioned you get frustrated with her when talking about money, learn to talk calmly with each other, allowing one another to state their points and opinions and compromise. 

Talk through your actions about family time. Show her that you do want to be there with her and your son, and that you want to be a part of their lives. Be enthusiastic about it. Set some things up. Look for things to do together. Move forward and keep being a better person for yourself as well. 

I believe she still has love for you, but you do need to make permanent changes. She might need to as well, being I have very little info on her. A counselor is a great person to help compromise and a third party to help you both see where things need to change.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Thank you dep, I understand what I need to do now, after being hit in the head with a big hammer. The problem with the big boys goes back when our boy was a 2 year old. Our son is 9 now DW and I met when He was 1 1/2 year's old. I adopted Him when He was 3. When the BB come over to our house they act like they are at a 5 star motel. They are very disrespectful to there Mother and I will not put up with that. Since She does not have custody of them I think She feels quilty about it. They will not pick up after their selves and have to be told to help out. I love the BB but I do not like the way they behave. The Little Man worships the ground they walk on and try to be just like His Big Brothers. They have been caught smoking pot and drinking, then they lie about it. Even after failing drug test. I know kids will be kids and they will lie about the things they do. It's really more about the discipline or the lack of it. Their father grounds them no cars no phones for a month but after about a week he lets them have it all back. She thinks I'm to hard on them even thou I don't any control over them at all. I voice my opinion and thats about its. I know I am going to have to learn to get along with the BB But like I told MW they need to try some to Yes or No
.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

You are right Dawn. I am going make changes in my life not just for her but for Me, my wife and my son.My son and I get along great He tells me all the time that I'm the best Daddy in the world. And I tell Him He's the best Son ever. I also tell MW that I am lucky to have her, how pretty and sexy she is. The problem as stated above are the BB. I am going to have to learn not to be so hard headed when it comes to them. She has not said but I think one thing that brother's her is our sex life. I am 65 years old and in 07 had radation for my prostrate cancer. I did not lose the ability to have sex. It just takes more time to function. Since you read the letter do you think this would be in her mind? Our sex life took a change for the better about two months ago but three weeks ago I got the flu and was sick. Ofcourse our sex dropped.
She just left after picking up our Little Man and said she was going to Her middle son basketball game tomorrow night. I asked if I could go with her and she said yes. I have always gone to the BB games
I don't go to the concerts much But will if we can work this out
Oh by the way she will be 40 in Jan


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Her older children need to be discussed together, between the two of you. You both need to set down ground rules about what is okay, and whats not. That way when it comes around, it isn't an argument, its the rule. The rule is this. Talk about expectations when they are in your home together. Hey, I feel they need to......

I think you are headed in the right direction


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Yes your right on that and we have done that. It just doesn't hold up. So I just gave up on inputing anything in. The main thing is I don't spend enough time with them. When they come over they go to their room upstairs and stay most of the time. I do know that I must change my feelings toward them. To be honest it will be the hardest part of all. But I will do it and I will learn to like it. I just want my family back. I know in a couple of years they will be where they don't want to spend any time here anyway


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Wif and I went Tuesday and got our Little Man a Kitten, when we got it my wife's eyes sparkled. I told Her I didn't know She wanted one too. She just said wold it have made any difference. We had dinner that night the three of us and it was nice just taked and had a nice time. yester day I ran into some friends of ours and they asked if we would meet them for dinner. I called my wife and she said yes. We missed our friends by 15 minutes. They were inside and we sat on the patio. Had a great talk. Calm and quiet. Todnight we have a date night. Our house me cooking. Plan's call for a nice dinner with wine, a couple of drinks afterwards. Then a nice long candle lit bubble bath. When she's ready to get out I plan on have her robe and a nice soft bath towel Warm from the dryer. Then we will see where that goes.. Am I missing anything. Oh ya a nice long full body massage after the bath. Wish me luck


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

W showed up at 7. Entire house was candle lit/ Rose's on dinner table with 4 long candles. Tablw set with dishes and cloth napkins. She was impressed with our Home. Poured us a glass of wine and chilled out for a little while. Sat Her at table and served her Salad
After Dinner, fixed us a Chilton, my first time to try one. Didn;t really care for it. Sat on back patio and talked for a while. She didn't want a bubble bath, but She did want the full body massage.
Things went good. Very little sleep. She woke me up at 8 said She had to get back to Mom's so She could help her out. Told me she still needed a little time. Really more confused now than before. Yes the sex part was awesome.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Thank all of you have have kept me in your thoughts and prayers. MY BABY CAME HOME LAST NIGHT. She and our Little Man came over last night. When She walked in the door She gave me a big hur and kiss. I asked what was up and She said She was missing me. I asked if She was ready to come home and She said I think so. We taled a litstle then I said let's go get your stuff and dcome home. I am the happest Man in the World. I know the issue's that I must deal with and She does to. There will be plenty more of the candle lit dinners and we agreed to date night every Wed. Hey i am so HAPPY


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

That's pretty awesome OldTex. Good for you man.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I am so happy that your wife came home! You went through a lot of trouble, with the dinner, candles, wine, etc. And I'm sure your wife won't expect that every night...but don't forget to include it in your bag of tricks from time to time!
Wow..I just caught the 26 yr age difference. I'm in a may-december relationship as well, though not quite that much of a gap. You go, guy!


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Thank You All. This forum helped me get thru a very tought time. It also showed me some things I need to do. I assure you all I am a changed man and will put my Wife first. She is not only very Beautifull and Sexy She is also very smart. She just has a low cull factor. Of which I am very glad of. No candles every night. But warm hugs and kisses each and every day. The rest will come. I plam on keeping up with this web site and learning. And if I can put my 2 cents in ok if not ok. Anyway Thanks Ladies and Gentlemen One place I have learned is Mort Fertel's Marraige Fitness, I bought the CD's Put Love First and learnt a Lot


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just found this thread again, thought I would check in. Thats awesome that she came home and you guys are going to start weekly date nights!! Fantastic!!

How are things going with the step-kids??


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