# Is there something wrong with me?



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Hello everyone. I have to say, my favorite time of day is in the 
morning when my H isn't up. I love the peace and quiet. I love being by myself.
Ever since my H lost his job, which was 10 years ago, and has worked only very sporadically, I have enjoyed it when he is either still asleep, or out of the house. Whats weird is that I don't feel bad about feeling this way.
I enjoy working and being out of the house, but glad to be home at the end of the day.
Is there anyone else who has felt the same way, or is something deeper going on here? Thanks


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> Hello everyone. I have to say, my favorite time of day is in the
> morning when my H isn't up. I love the peace and quiet. I love being by myself.
> Ever since my H lost his job, which was 10 years ago, and has worked only very sporadically, I have enjoyed it when he is either still asleep, or out of the house. Whats weird is that I don't feel bad about feeling this way.
> I enjoy working and being out of the house, but glad to be home at the end of the day.
> *Is there anyone else who has felt the same way*, or is something deeper going on here? Thanks


Yes, and now I get to have that feeling all the time, because I wake up every single day without him. :smthumbup:


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I think that’s perfectly normal. I have an introverted personality type (INFP if you know Myers-Briggs) and I absolutely need time to myself to think or pursue hoobies and recharge my social batteries.

If I don't get that time, then I start to get stressed out!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know if something is going on or not, but I suppose I'm what is known as an introverted personality, and I like being by myself and quiet as well.

I've been divorced a few years and have my kids at times. They are well behaved, but I even need a break from them at times. It feels like I'm able to recharge after they leave sometimes. I use that as an example just to illustrate that nothing deeper is going on there. It's not that I wish they would go away and stay, but I do need my time to recharge.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

I don't consider myself an introvert. I enjoy being social, but I don't have anyone to be social with. 
I do have hobbies that I enjoy and keep me busy at times.
My attitude has been "oh damn, he's up". or "oh damn he's home.
Wishing he would stay in bed just a little longer, or away from the house a little longer.
Does that make me a bad person?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I can relate...but my unhappy marriage is currently to blame. I like it when H is away working I admit. He is due back home on Wednesday and I find it a hard adjustment as he is home for two weeks at a time.

There was a time when I missed him and could not wait for him to get home now I feel sad and upset and anxious when he is due home. I long to be with someone that I am excited to see and miss them like crazy when they are away. We lost that and now it is more of a chore to be around each other.

Needless to say, I am currently contemplating separation and or divorce.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am also envious when I speak with other women whose husband's work out of town, etc. and they are so excited when their man is back home.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> I don't consider myself an introvert. I enjoy being social, but I don't have anyone to be social with.
> I do have hobbies that I enjoy and keep me busy at times.
> My attitude has been "oh damn, he's up". or "oh damn he's home.
> Wishing he would stay in bed just a little longer, or away from the house a little longer.
> Does that make me a bad person?


Would you say your marriage is in a good place?

It's normal and fine to want the occasional alone time. It's good to have your own hobbies and likes, as you can't do everything together... BUT, if you always want to be away from him, then something in the relationship is missing. You should want to be with your spouse at least for part of the time. I enjoy a lot of time away from my husband when he is working, but my marriage is also very rocky and not in a good place. Back before we got married and were dating for years(in a better relationship state), I wanted to be with him a lot more often.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

I'm the first to admit that I don't think our marriage is were it should be.
And I'll admit I don't love him like I used to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It seems you have answered your own curiosity around this. 

I enjoy being with my husband but also have alone time. I'm not a morning person but I find myself cherishing the walk from the station to work, just lining up music and enjoying the air on my face. However, I do still think of him. I'll sometimes take screen shots as certain songs play and text them his way, wishing him a great morning or whatever while Cameo plays lol. Word Up!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> Hello everyone. I have to say, my favorite time of day is in the
> morning when my H isn't up. I love the peace and quiet. I love being by myself.
> Ever since my H lost his job, which was 10 years ago, and has worked only very sporadically, I have enjoyed it when he is either still asleep, or out of the house. Whats weird is that I don't feel bad about feeling this way.
> I enjoy working and being out of the house, but glad to be home at the end of the day.
> Is there anyone else who has felt the same way, or is something deeper going on here? Thanks


I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting solitude.
It might depend on your personality type , too.

I usually arise around 4.AM , meditate and begin my day. I don't think I would want my wife to be awake with me around that time.
She , on the other hand enjoys some " extra time " between the sheets early in the morning, so she jumps out of bed around 
7. AM.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

What is this "alone time" that you guys are speaking of? LOL!

Seriously, the only alone time that I want and need is to check off things on my to do list as quickly as possible. Otherwise, I am more of a people person. My H and I can have quiet time together. We can sit on the deck and enjoy the warm sunshine and the cool breeze while baby is napping. It REALLY relaxes us and recharges our energy. He can do it alone too. But if I tried to do it alone I will feel like I need to be doing something that needs to get done.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> What is this "alone time" that you guys are speaking of? LOL!
> 
> ...
> 
> But if I tried to do it alone I will feel like I need to be doing something that needs to get done.


For those of us that need it, it's best when the house is *empty*. The knowledge that someone is home (or hearing them moving around) can be enough to put us on edge because we are just expecting them to come out and interrupt us, because they don't understand.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

When I felt this way it was because our marriage was in a bad place. There was a lot of anger and resentment and had swept it under the rug for years. I used to hate going to bed at the same time as my husband. I would stay downstairs until I knew he was asleep. I didn't want to have sex, hated him kissing me, loved being alone. Fast forward to now, although we still have problems, we are dealing with them. I love my husband, love kissing him, love being with him and being intimate with him. Take a closer look at why you are feeling the way you do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *theetoeturtle said:* Hello everyone. I have to say, my favorite time of day is in the
> morning when my H isn't up. I love the peace and quiet. I love being by myself.
> Ever since my H lost his job, which was 10 years ago, and has worked only very sporadically, I have enjoyed it when he is either still asleep, or out of the house. Whats weird is that I don't feel bad about feeling this way.
> I enjoy working and being out of the house, but glad to be home at the end of the day.
> Is there anyone else who has felt the same way, or is something deeper going on here? Thanks





> *theetoeturtle said:* I'm the first to admit that I don't think our marriage is were it should be.
> And I'll admit I don't love him like I used to.


 I am guessing when you 1st met/ when dating, you couldn't get enough of each other...was it very GOOD, you felt emotionally connected, enjoying lots of time together once upon a time?? 

Something DEEPER is going on.. you have become NUMB, feeling "*apathetic*' towards your husband.. you mention this started with his loosing his job 10 yrs ago.. was the Job loss something you were angry about ? the Loss of income (difficulty paying bills, fights over $$, etc), his working sporadically or more about his just being home TOO MUCH.. too close for comfort? 

I've been with my H for over 3 decades...I am a cross between an Introvert & an Extrovert & he is a doubly whammy Introvert ...some may feel we should need to recharge our batteries ... and I guess we get to do this -when we're apart (when he is at work, and I am home).. 

BUt really... we've always cherished our time together, I still would choose to be with him over my Gf's... I look forward to his days off...and he's never been one who needed "a cave" -even telling me this...

So I guess just being an Introvert does not necessarily = we want time away from our spouse, or we go against the mold. 

*Love languages can play a role here too*..those who have TIME as their primary way of feeling loved...will crave more togetherness.. 










But any amount of *resentment* can put a dagger into all of this..or what once was.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Yes, you are right. There was a time when I loved being with my husband, loved my husband. I was a content gal.
But I think its a number of things that changed that. When my husband lost his job, I was very supportive. Believing that he would find another job. After a year went by, then two, and so on and so forth, and my H complaining he couldn't find a job I became resentful. I was left trying to pay the house bills by myself. I still am. Tho he does get a small pension from the National Guard.
Secretly getting a checking/savings account. Having one of his older brothers on his accounts.
He is 63 and could take his Social Security, but he won't.
Don't feel like I can confide in him.
Give him BJ's just to get it over with.
I guess that about covers it. I can't leave because I don't make enough to leave and be on my own.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes you sound unhappy and resentful. 

That is my worst fear to be honest about you...H is 53 and I think what if something happens to him and he can't work anymore. The thought of him just hanging around the house constantly would drive me insane. Right now he is away for two weeks home for two..and believe me that two weeks he is home is more than enough.

Not a good sign if you are happy when they are away...or if you do not miss them.

Could you get a part time job on the side in order to allow yourself to have the ability to support yourself?

If my H had numerous hobbies and was a busy guy when not working it would be different but he has no hobbies instead it is just sitting around the house and watching tv.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

My H and I talked last night, and asked him to go first in discussion. H told me he felt like I was keeping him two arms length away. I can't deny that one. I probably have.
Second was the sex. He was unhappy because he's not getting any/enough. For one thing, I'm menopausal, and last time we had sex, it was painful due to no natural lubrication. He thinks me giving BJ's and the missionary position are just fine. He's in denial about having ED. There is nothing wrong with him, his doctor told him so. I seriously doubt he talked to his doctor about it. 
I in turn told him just having sex wasn't going to fix the problems we have, that there was more to it than that. That there is a lot more going on.
I also said I wish he wouldn't say "Whatever". To me that says I don't care, I don't care what you have to say, I don't care about you. Its being dismissive which is hurtful.
I don't know if there is a fix for this. Maybe having more discussions?.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Jetranger said:


> I think that’s perfectly normal. I have an introverted personality type (INFP if you know Myers-Briggs) and I absolutely need time to myself to think or pursue hoobies and recharge my social batteries.
> 
> If I don't get that time, then I start to get stressed out!


Not sure I believe any personality test can accurately determine or portray accurately a person, but the informal Myers-Briggs online says im an INTP, and I feel exactly the same way you do. 

If the sexuality in the relationship is still there and you still love your H, I wouldnt worry about wanting to be alone at times. I would literally go insane without time to myself- it has to happen and often.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

theetoeturtle said:


> Yes, you are right. There was a time when I loved being with my husband, loved my husband. I was a content gal.
> *But I think its a number of things that changed that. When my husband lost his job, I was very supportive. Believing that he would find another job. After a year went by, then two, and so on and so forth, and my H complaining he couldn't find a job I became resentful. I was left trying to pay the house bills by myself. I still am.* Tho he does get a small pension from the National Guard.
> 
> Secretly getting a checking/savings account. Having one of his older brothers on his accounts.
> ...


Yes..a # of things going on here.. *resentment *has stolen your Joy (and likely his)... attitudes have crept in that holds you down, circumstances have remained the same.. Feeling you can not talk to him.. it's just something very important to us women...this pushes us away emotionally... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html



> My H and I talked last night, and asked him to go first in discussion. H told me he felt like I was keeping him two arms length away. I can't deny that one. I probably have.


 Good you can admit this.. it's a starting point.. something to work on...realizing how you hurt him too.. which so often causes his attitude one of "well what is the use, it's the same old same old"... he feels rejected here ..which then dampens his spirit towards you . it's on both sides...



> Second was the sex. He was unhappy because he's not getting any/enough. For one thing, I'm menopausal, and last time we had sex, it was painful due to no natural lubrication. He thinks me giving BJ's and the missionary position are just fine. He's in denial about having ED. There is nothing wrong with him, his doctor told him so. I seriously doubt he talked to his doctor about it.
> 
> I in turn told him just having sex wasn't going to fix the problems we have, that there was more to it than that. That there is a lot more going on.


 a little confused by this.. you don't want it, he says he is hardly getting any...yet he has ED & won't talk to his Doctor...this sounds in conflict, like you want him well and able...but yet you are not interested in sex..because of being menopausal ...maybe he knows this so doesn't pursue getting Meds (for instance) for his Ed.. ??

The willingness to please him and want to love on him , give him pleasure ... this will open back up once the resentment has been aired, effectively worked through, forgiving each other .... so you both feel understood & cared for..... getting past these issues you have allowed to divide you ...brain storm coming forth with a workable *plan* to meet each other half way...this will be a step in the right direction.. this will take self awareness on both sides....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html



> *I also said I wish he wouldn't say "Whatever". To me that says I don't care, I don't care what you have to say, I don't care about you. Its being dismissive which is hurtful.*
> I don't know if there is a fix for this. Maybe having more discussions?.


 Our daughter says "Whatever" - and it's an attitude I don't like at all.. so yeah... I get you here.. she is young (only 11)...and she better grow out of it.. if you talked to him like that ...let's say about sex.. he'd feel brushed off and dismissed too, that's just lousy communication.... he needs to understand how his words come across...and CARE ...


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

I don't know. How many women out there are satisfied with white bread sex?. I'm not. He doesn't really like going down on me, yet is happy as a clam at high tide when I do him.
Sex in the past has been frustrating on both our parts. Its been an ongoing thing. Not just lately. 
Most of the time, the only way he will stay hard is if I suck on him, or the missionary position.
If I want to do another position, he goes limp, and its difficult to get him hard again. He believes this is the "norm".
He refuses to believe that anything is wrong. 
Any woman who is going through menopause knows what I'm talking about when it comes to dryness. It makes for uncomfortable/painful sex. 
I do want to have sex with my H. I want a fun romp in bed, but that's never going to happen.
I am not punishing my H. I have just given up on really good sex.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

theetoeturtle said:


> I don't know. How many women out there are satisfied with white bread sex?. I'm not. He doesn't really like going down on me, yet is happy as a clam at high tide when I do him.
> Sex in the past has been frustrating on both our parts. Its been an ongoing thing. Not just lately.
> Most of the time, the only way he will stay hard is if I suck on him, or the missionary position.
> If I want to do another position, he goes limp, and its difficult to get him hard again. He believes this is the "norm".
> ...


Okay, belay my last- that is a problem.

I suggest doing things together that "ignite" the passion, especially things you both are good at; you both need to be reminded that each of you are valuable as human beings. This allows you both to feel confidence in the self and desire for your spouse. 

Resist him, but dont be cold. Be sarcastic with him. Wear sexy clothes but dont give in right away when he wants sex. Pick on him but touch him afterwards to show its just in jest. Create tension..

As for the dryness, KY? No shame in that..


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