# Mid-life crisis?



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi, I'm new to this forum. 
Two weeks ago my husband called me and said he loves me but he not in love with me. He said he needed time alone and didnt know who he was anymore. He was away in Ireland for work where he had remained these two weeks so far. He says there is no one else and I believe him. My mother had been visiting from Canada for a month, and he has been away a lot (he travels for work!) and I saw him for a few days after she left and he was very withdrawn before he left for Ireland. I was so shocked by what he said and v upset. 

He is self employed and has had a difficult year but things have been improving lately. He is very stressed much of the time. It feels like he going through a crisis of some kind. 

I have taken advice from some books and have become more independent and keeping busy with different hobbies and friends.i know I was too reliant on him before as I didn't have a lot of confidence and few friends. I am texting only for essential purposes and not calling or saying anything about myself.
Anyone have any advice? We've always been very loving with each other , although not much sex in the past year.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I think my wife is too , she had early menopause set in also ,new job , crowd of people, coupled with a hella of a few yrs financially and in most every other ways , she's almost a stranger . We've both have been really distant, tired, worn, for awhile now.
She's been really earie though this last 12 mths , different , and popping these huge one liner questions at my just out of the blue, differently to usual. We often talk couple stuff though and although these did sort of strike me weirder than usual a long the way , I knew things were hard and didn't take them too heavily.
But they added up when she told me she wanted to separate that's for sure , suddenly lots of niggling little things made sense.

It's such a shock I know , soooo painful and hurtful. We too have always been much closer than most even during rough times , way different to most. We always said we would never do this , espacially for my daughter 11, We had a running joke , if you leave me I'm coming too.This is so not her even though things have been rough.
She's changed so much to though , that once the shock moved a bit I actually started thinking maybe she's right , I just dunno. I do love my freedom though and have been trying to use that as a bit of an up card , hate the area we bought in too - now I could move.
I dunno.
I really feel for you - and me , and everyone going through this. It's incredibly shell shocking to the bone I know.
I'm just fumbling through it myself , she moves in a wk - that's gonna be huge , ugly. I'm going away that w/e.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You are doing the right thing, let him have his space. He can't miss you if you are in contact. And you don't want him if he is uncertain about the marriage. It's torture when they have one foot in and one foot out. He may be blaming you for the way he feels in the last year, when in reality it isn't you it's something he is going through. I hope there is no one else, it's early to be sure of that.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

No matter what you do, you should give the space, no matter how hard it is. I'm learning the hard way. I started to realize how much I loved my wife and how much she and my daughter meant to me, just 2 weeks before our blow up. Now, she's wanting "done", but still hasn't made a decision on D. 

I'm trying to stay away, the best I can and do the 180 program *look it up if you don't know what it is* Now, we're talking more like we use to, we watch movies together, we discuss business (haunted house) etc. The thing is, I don't have a place to go and she does. She hasn't asked me to move out and she hasn't done so either. Now she did say she thought that if she moved out I wouldn't let her back in the haunt. But anyways, I don't know how much truth is in that. 

We've been much better since I started trying to man up and stop pleading with her. The thing is, in my situation, we're still here. We're not arguing and we're not going out seeing other people or anything so I guess as long as we're here and we're alive, there's always a chance for the better to come out. 

I'm sorry you're here and I Hope things really start looking up for you . Good luck.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> No matter what you do, you should give the space, no matter how hard it is. I'm learning the hard way. I started to realize how much I loved my wife and how much she and my daughter meant to me, just 2 weeks before our blow up. Now, she's wanting "done", but still hasn't made a decision on D.
> 
> I'm trying to stay away, the best I can and do the 180 program *look it up if you don't know what it is* Now, we're talking more like we use to, we watch movies together, we discuss business (haunted house) etc. The thing is, I don't have a place to go and she does. She hasn't asked me to move out and she hasn't done so either. Now she did say she thought that if she moved out I wouldn't let her back in the haunt. But anyways, I don't know how much truth is in that.
> 
> ...



Sorry about your probs mate , hell I'm sorry about everyone's including mine but hey - You gotta tell me about this haunt.
Look at it this way , it'll take everyone's minds of their ****.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Hi Chopsy

I'm really sorry this is happening to you...and I'm sorry to say this is just the beginning of a really long journey.

But by going through the fire - you'll come out super shiny, super hard, stronger than ever. Promise! 

Is he cheating? I know it's the first thing everyone says, buuuut....

He sounds like a spineless coward - he did this over the phone???  I just cannot believe how awful people can be to one another.

I gave my husband space - because I was 'smothering' him (his words)...he then threw that in my face, and said I didn't do enough...

My point is if you try and choose your actions and behaviours based on wanting a specific reaction from your husband - you are wasting your time.

You'll hear it again and again...but you MUST start focusing entirely on yourself. What do _you_ want, how do _you_ feel, how can _you_ feel better.

Surround yourself with friends and family - that is what they are there for. Be kind to yourself., and be prepared. Keep posting - I don't post as much as I really want to...but I am on here every day, it REALLY helps.

You are not alone x


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

So glad I read these messages today as I feel so tempted to call him. I am astounded at the thoughtful messages, thank you. I just miss him so much and I just want him to come home. 
He also said I deserved better, sometimes I think he is depressed. I really wish he would get into counselling.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> So glad I read these messages today as I feel so tempted to call him. I am astounded at the thoughtful messages, thank you. I just miss him so much and I just want him to come home.
> He also said I deserved better, sometimes I think he is depressed. I really wish he would get into counselling.



Chopsy,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru - I'm going thru pretty much the same thing with my husband right now.

Be strong for yourself babe! I know how hard it is, wanting to call him cause maybe you're scared he's going to forget about you, or realize he's happier in life without you - at least that's how I feel.

I, too, wish my husband would do some sort of counselling, marriage, solo - whatever but due to a unwarranted bad experience with mental health professionals in his teen years I doubt he will. I just keep telling myself "you can lead a horse to water - but you can't make him drink." He has to do it because he wants to for himself.

You sound like I am, in being to reliant upon him - a good book I'm reading, and you may have already read it is "The Language of Letting go" Check it out if you haven't - it might be helpful - it's helped me. Also, a member on here recommended to me "Love must be tough, new hope for marriages in crisis" from the excerpts he posted to me and what little I read it seems so be a really good tool. I'll admit - I was a little weary of it's advice when I first looked at it but upon further reading the advice really makes sense!

Stick around and you'll get plenty of great support and advice, I know I have! In the meantime - hang in there and I hope things get better for you!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Chopsy. We all want ours to come back, at least at some point. You're not alone. It hurts, it really does and almost everyone on this forum knows just how much it can really hurt. 

I got to the point the other day, I seriously, had rather died than go through the pain, this mess. Now? I'm at the point where I'm numb, and I think she's seeing it and it bothers her. I said no more than 3 sentences to her all morning. Up at 4:30, dropped her off at 8. During this time I was cleaning the house, bathroom, doing her laundry for her, clothing our little girl and got her ready. The only thing she had to do was get herself ready. I did all this w/o saying a word. Ohh and fed the animals. 

I feel ok, for now at least. It does get better. My wife refuses counseling as well. She had cheated. She "thought" about another man she met at walmart that she knew (though she said instantly she started thinking she was stupid), she's 27. She'd done the "I didn't get to live a single life and date a lot so Ima go mess around" thing, years ago. She is depressed. before all this started? She started taking some anti depressant pill. 3 or 4 months ago she started. 

So now, she doesn't "want this" as she says to our marriage. Hasn't left the house. Hasn't asked me to leave again. Tells me she loves me every time she leaves or hangs up. Comes to talk to me, w/o me inviting her. . . point is, it's tough for me. VERY tough. I should be letting go of this girl but I know I am the one who put her in this position. Neglected her through the years and didn't appreciate her as much as I should've. Didn't show her how much I loved her... annd I probably never really got over her past where she stabbed me in the back. But, I'm getting better. I haven't cried in 2 hours... lol j/k. But seriously. Mid 30's man bawling over a wife (and daughter) many, many times. But today I'm ok... some what. So... 

Keep trying to keep your head up. Don't know your full story but since I got on these forums, it's helped a ton. Make sure you read the other posts / threads. It can help too. 

Take care
Dewayne


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