# Proud of myself



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Gotta get this off my chest.
I don't know how much more of this I'm going to take, but I know that if and when I leave my H, I will have done my best.
Ang if, at that time, he's STILL the jerk he is right now, I'll know I'm doing the right thing.

Today I ran 3 miles. Then H and I rode bikes for about an hour.

Got home. 

I suggested, "how bout I walk to redbox and get a movie, you go pick up dinner, I'll meet you back here?"

he said, "wow honey, how much exercise do you want in one day? I know you'll never look like your college pictures!" 
I looked straight at him and said "that was mean."

he said "I didn't mean it to be mean! Were you this into working out in college?"

I said "yes. That was mean."

he said "sorry honey...didn't mean it to be mean."

then---without emotion---I said "going to redbox," and calmly left the house.

Here's the kicker: Just THREE days ago, he made a similar comment.
And similarly, I said "that was mean."
And similarly he said "sorry honey, didn't mean to be mean."

WTF? Can he NOT resist taking THESE particular shots at me???
It's like he's LOOKING for things to criticize. 

Maybe a better way to "pass this fit test" wouldve been to laugh it off.
Well, I didn't. At this moment, it's not a joke i'm cool with.

and for the record....
I'm 5'4"....I weigh 105 now. At my biggest, I was 135-140. Big f-ing deal.

The point is...he KNOWS it bugs me. I've calmly made that clear to him. ENOUGH already.
It's mind-boggling how shallow and immature he can be.

He's just giving me more to consider in the next few months. God knows I have plenty to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You could have said "it's mean today just like it was mean when you said this 3 days ago. And if you say it again..." Okay I draw a blank on the next line but there needs to be one. Maybe someone else can chime in. There has to be something you can say to shut him up.

Oh wait lets dig deeper. He's annoyed that you are exercising and is trying to sabotage? Maybe? Threatened? What's his main motivation behind the comment. Remember he likes to project. Tell me what he's really saying and that will solve your comeback line. I don't think it's about your weight.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sometimes us men take a while to grasp new concepts. 

I'm guilty of being sarcastic to the point of being mean with my loved ones. 

It's a hard habit to break. It's a long hard struggle but it can be done. I just have to watch out for the plates and glasses coming my way from my wife!

Keep reminding him!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> You could have said "it's mean today just like it was mean when you said this 3 days ago. And if you say it again..." Okay I draw a blank on the next line but there needs to be one. Maybe someone else can chime in. There has to be something you can say to shut him up.
> 
> Oh wait lets dig deeper. He's annoyed that you are exercising and is trying to sabotage? Maybe? What's his main motivation behind the comment. Remember he likes to project. Tell me what he's really saying and that will solve your comeback line. I don't think it's about your weight.


I'm not sure!

I know he's deeply competitive with me...I was conscious today not to leave him in the dust while we were biking, to protect his fragile ego.

FWIW, he himself is short and round..,hardly chiseled. Not in great shape himself.
He always brags about how "jacked" I am (and I am ) but who the hell knows, maybe it's just ANOTHER way he's desperately trying to "knock me down a few pegs."

He's been looking through our old pics lately, scanning them onto the computer...which means he's been studying my formerly fat ass and judging--nice!

I don't know what he's trying to say, but what I hear (once again) is:
"don't get ahead of yourself. You have to work to be good enough for me. You have to work to receive my love."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is about the meanest thing a man can say to his wife. 

Wow - 5'4 and 105 - you are perfect even for a guy who likes thin women. Any lighter and you will be way TOO thin. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> Gotta get this off my chest.
> I don't know how much more of this I'm going to take, but I know that if and when I leave my H, I will have done my best.
> Ang if, at that time, he's STILL the jerk he is right now, I'll know I'm doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay I have another strategy for you. What if you played the "here's your sign game?" Goes like this. Someone with a stick up their butt like your husband says something dumb. Instead of trying to change them or defend you play heres your sign made famous by Bill Engvall the comedianne.

So he says "wow honey, how much exercise do you want in one day? I know you'll never look like your college pictures!" 

You sweetly respond by saying "I'm just getting started! And I'm aiming for high school baby (or some other eggagerated age)!" Again anything that doesn't show that he got a rise out of you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> That is about the meanest thing a man can say to his wife.
> 
> Wow - 5'4 and 105 - you are perfect even for a guy who likes thin women. Any lighter and you will be way TOO thin.


Thanks. How'd I handle it? My guess is I shouldn't utter another word about it--your thoughts??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Okay I have another strategy for you. What if you played the "here's your sign game?" Goes like this. Someone with a stick up their butt like your husband says something dumb. Instead of trying to change them or defend you play heres your sign made famous by Bill Engvall the comedianne.
> 
> So he says "wow honey, how much exercise do you want in one day? I know you'll never look like your college pictures!"
> 
> You sweetly respond by saying "are you kidding I'm just getting started! And I know I won't look like my college pictures I'm aiming for high school baby (or some other eggagerated age)!"


Yeah, that's within my reach. Just doesn't come naturally as my default.

It still doesn't really let him know that's NOT cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yeah, that's within my reach. Just doesn't come naturally as my default.
> 
> It still doesn't really let him know that's NOT cool.


My comeback line probably isn't good enough. The point of this game is to stop people from saying dumb things. Angry people are just insecure bullies. Sometimes standing up to them works, sometimes you need to respond to what they are really saying (in this case it's NOT about you - it's his insecurity) and sometimes you need to make them feel stupid. This is the part where they quit saying it because they then don't like how it makes THEM feel when you respond. Get it?

Doesn't matter whether he gets that it's not cool or not he just needs to quit.

I wish I knew why he really said that comment. It's not about your size that I'm 100% sure of. I'm drawing a blank...guess I don't know enough about him yet.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

He says: "he said, "wow honey, how much exercise do you want in one day? I know you'll never look like your college pictures!" 


You say: "I plan to exercise until I'm a MILF! (giggle) and I have no intention of looking like I did in college. I'm a mom now and I intend to work hard for a Sophia Loren perfection look." 

(wink-tease)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> He says: "he said, "wow honey, how much exercise do you want in one day? I know you'll never look like your college pictures!"
> 
> 
> You say: "I plan to exercise until I'm a MILF! (giggle) and I have no intention of looking like I did in college. I'm a mom now and I intend to work hard for a Sophia Loren perfection look."
> ...


Yeah, I'm capable of laughing things off.
Just that lately, he's treated me badly in other ways, so this isn't just about "this."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

He's suddenly "into you" when others note your attractiveness (physical AND personality) - you mentioned this the other day.

Now he hits you with this put down.

Call him on it and leave it. He sounds terribly insecure and competitive. He says this stuff on purpose to take you down a notch.

In the end I believe you will need to take HIM down a notch or this is going to eat at your self esteem.

Kick his a** on the bike next time, give me a break, he's a guy, if he can't keep up he should start hitting the gym. You have to coddle his moods, now his physical limitations , all at your expense. Sounds like a lot of work, I'm starting to think you should trade him in for a better model.

Sorry, his comments just tick me off - childish and mean, one after another. A man his age & married should be ashamed of himself.

Leah


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Leah ditto on all of it. So far he has very little consequences to his actions so he keeps on keepin on. I'd have beat him on the bike too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you have an admirer (I'm sure you do) that he knows of?

With a sly smile, "That isn't what my admirer said..."



credamdóchasgra said:


> Gotta get this off my chest.
> I don't know how much more of this I'm going to take, but I know that if and when I leave my H, I will have done my best.
> Ang if, at that time, he's STILL the jerk he is right now, I'll know I'm doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Do you have an admirer (I'm sure you do) that he knows of?
> 
> With a sly smile, "That isn't what my admirer said..."


Ooh, hardball...

Now which...admirer...do I pick...hmm... ::scratchhead::
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Leah L said:


> I'm starting to think you should trade him in for a better model.


"Ultimatum day" is coming.

I'm biding my time.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> "Ultimatum day" is coming.
> 
> I'm biding my time.


Hope I'm around to see that day. Jerk.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Hope I'm around to see that day. Jerk.


At least he said "sorry."
still is not nice. Period.

Good thing I cultivate healthy and realistic self-esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes he did but did he mean it? And yes thank goodness you have a good self esteem although he seems to be determined to take it though.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes he did but did he mean it? And yes thank goodness you have a good self esteem although he seems to be determined to take it though.


I think he meant it, said it twice, but didn't get all sweet like he usually does after a "blockhead statement."
so maybe he didn't.
But I'm not mentioning it again tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Creda,
You are very tough. Tough in a good way. Tough in a powerful way. Don't bring it up again. He is trying to break you - but I am not even sure he is doing in consciously. 

The next time he does it - don't even acknowledge the statement with words. Just give him a cold stare and go back to what you were doing. And do NOT acknowledge any apology you get either. 

WHY is he so insecure? Is he successful at his job? 




credamdóchasgra said:


> I think he meant it, said it twice, but didn't get all sweet like he usually does after a "blockhead statement."
> so maybe he didn't.
> But I'm not mentioning it again tonight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> WHY is he so insecure? Is he successful at his job?


He's always been successful at his jobs.

I honestly believe he's in a situation--an intimate relationship--that he can't "work" in the same ways he always has, and garnered the same positive feedback, and he has no idea what to do or how to navigate it.
He has no frame of reference or "training."

I was attracted to him because he seemed so "confident."
An alpha, I had "met my match."
Now I'm seeing what that apparent "confidence" was covering up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's always been successful at his jobs.
> 
> I honestly believe he's in a situation--an intimate relationship--that he can't "work" in the same ways he always has, and garnered the same positive feedback, and he has no idea what to do or how to navigate it.
> He has no frame of reference or "training."
> ...


He seems like a lot of work. I'd be getting tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Wow, what an a$$. seems like you handled it perfectly, though. You addressed it directly and without drama, straight and to the point. My H has also said really mean things, without being intentionally mean, which for me opened up a whole new can of worms.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He's being all passive aggressive, like he's thinking "if that bugged her, she's too sensitive."
I'm working on not being hurt that he's spent hours looking at my old pictures, and he doesn't see his wife's life, friends, and part of who she is...he just sees 30 more lbs.

I hope he takes off whatever lenses are clouding his vision from seeing what is really important and good, both in the past and present.
Because his future will look very different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Creda,
I am sincerely confused. You said you are 5'4" and 105 pounds. That sounded awfully thin to me. In fact it is "off the charts" - below the chart on the standard BMI table. At that height 110 pounds is the lowest weight shown at a bmi of 19. At that weight your BMI is 18. Below 18 pro models have been excluded from competition for being too thin. And female models in todays world have no fat. 

At 105 you are medically "underweight". Why would he reference your weight as if it is an issue? 



BMI Chart for Women




credamdóchasgra said:


> He's being all passive aggressive, like he's thinking "if that bugged her, she's too sensitive."
> I'm working on not being hurt that he's spent hours looking at my old pictures, and he doesn't see his wife's life, friends, and part of who she is...he just sees 30 more lbs.
> 
> I hope he takes off whatever lenses are clouding his vision from seeing what is really important and good, both in the past and present.
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Creda,
> I am sincerely confused. You said you are 5'4" and 105 pounds. That sounded awfully thin to me. In fact it is "off the charts" - below the chart on the standard BMI table. At that height 110 pounds is the lowest weight shown at a bmi of 19. At that weight your BMI is 18. Below 18 pro models have been excluded from competition for being too thin. And female models in todays world have no fat.
> 
> At 105 you are medically "underweight". Why would he reference your weight as if it is an issue?
> ...


Yeah, I'm petite, like my mom and one of my sisters. But I definitely eat. No worries on that front, I'm not starving myself to please him or anything. I just have good mind-body consciousness and HATE the feeling of being over-full of food, so I stop when I'm satisfied, and eat small portions of good foods.

I guess he references it because it's such an obvious disparity from where I was in college. And like I said, he's been looking at those pictures all week (major scanning project, that's how he spends his time ::eyeroll:
Like a lot of girls, I gained at college. Unlike now, I got used to the feeling of overeating!
But within 4 years after college, it just melted off and never came back. I honestly didn't work my ass off or really try to lose it, I just stopped eating so damn much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Please - please - please - do not lose one pound. 

It is rare I read a post that causes me extreme distress. This one has. Ideally you should gain AT LEAST 5 pounds. Not kidding about that. At 110 you will be at the healthy end of the low side of the scale. Forget about me and my subjective view of weight. Modeling organizations - with ZERO tolerance for fat - view your BMI as right at the edge of medically dangerous. That says something to me. 

I am sure you look great. And you will look great at 110. And at 115. I am acutely uneasy that at your weight he is making comments. 

If you got the flu, or a nasty virus your body has minimal reserves to work from. 

I am beginning to conclude that your H is toxic to you. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> Yeah, I'm petite, like my mom and one of my sisters. But I definitely eat. No worries on that front, I'm not starving myself to please him or anything. I just have good mind-body consciousness and HATE the feeling of being over-full of food, so I stop when I'm satisfied, and eat small portions of good foods.
> 
> I guess he references it because it's such an obvious disparity from where I was in college. And like I said, he's been looking at those pictures all week (major scanning project, that's how he spends his time ::eyeroll:
> Like a lot of girls, I gained at college. Unlike now, I got used to the feeling of overeating!
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Please - please - please - do not lose one pound.
> 
> It is rare I read a post that causes me extreme distress. This one has. Ideally you should gain AT LEAST 5 pounds. Not kidding about that. At 110 you will be at the healthy end of the low side of the scale. Forget about me and my subjective view of weight. Modeling organizations - with ZERO tolerance for fat - view your BMI as right at the edge of medically dangerous. That says something to me.
> 
> ...


I hear you and I appreciate your genuine concern, I really do.
I should qualify---105 is definitely my LOW end, I max at 110. 
I assure you I eat---I had beef/cheese casserole for breakfast, cheese/veggieburger/sourcream sandwich for lunch, and 4 tacos for dinner, with cheese, sour cream, and guac---AND 3 beers, and 3 mini-twix bars! There were also some cookies and OJ in there too.
NO purging--ew!

That doesn't mean your last statement isn't at least partially true. 
That's the deeper concern, regardless of weight discussions...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He has two strategies for reaching equilibrium with you. 
- Step up
- Drag you down

So far I see none of the former and a determined, persistent, relentless attempt at the latter. 

My W is tough. She is alpha. She can be a total ****. She has NEVER attempted to drag me down. EVER. There is a difference between being difficult and deliberately trying to undermine your partners self esteem. She has never done that. Quite the opposite really. She is an honest, supportive, loving partner. She has amplified the hell out of me. Even when she is harsh, it is constructive and her intentions are the best. 

You deserve that. 





credamdóchasgra said:


> I hear you and I appreciate your genuine concern, I really do.
> I should qualify---105 is definitely my LOW end, I max at 110.
> I assure you I eat---I had beef/cheese casserole for breakfast, cheese/veggieburger/sourcream sandwich for lunch, and 4 tacos for dinner, with cheese, sour cream, and guac---AND 3 beers, and 3 mini-twix bars! There were also some cookies and OJ in there too.
> NO purging--ew!
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> He has two strategies for reaching equilibrium with you.
> - Step up
> - Drag you down
> 
> ...


I know. Thank you.
"Ultimatum day" is coming.

FWIW, I rarely post good things. It's not 100% bad.
One day at a time. I know the status quo isn't viable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

You sound "healthy" to me in terms of your mindset/weight. I am 5'9" 140lbs. I'm slender and in great shape for my age, 2 weeks ago I climbed a few mountains and I run 20 miles a week. 

Do not apologize for your fitness if that's what you enjoy. I'm slender too, but I love my endurance sports and I eat like a king, and the best is a cold beer afterwards! I'm healthy as a horse and I very much appreciate the concern about over-exercisers/food issues, but if you do not harbor those unfortunate things, enjoy your health!

You sound like a really nice person to me - one hell of a "catch" and it frustrates me to hear of your struggles. The fact you are trying so hard nearly proves my point.

Do not let anyone make you less than you are - or your potential. Life is too short for that garbage. You were not put here to "fix" him. 

My hubby has been a real pain in my #** - and our story is yet to be told but he has never criticized my appearance etc. 

That bugs me for some reason. His sorry sounds like BS cover to me, so he can feign an "OOPS, sorry babe". Those kind of comments are inexcusable. They just are. 

I think he knows damn well you are better than him in the big picture. HE has a choice in life - step up and act like a man or wallow in his insecurity and he can lose the best thing that fell into his life.

Divorce sucks but its not the end of the world. Sometimes I think we need to try and look forward at what we will GAIN vs what we have invested or fear we will lose. Time marches on, its up to us to decide how we spend those precious moments.

You're a good person, pardon my rant 

P.S. I read some others comments and I do agree that your fitness/weight is more than fine (I am slender/small boned so I get you may look just fine at your weight) but do NOT let him think you have anything to worry about. It IS strange he would denigrate your appearance, that does sound purposeful and toxic. Maybe he isn't registering this consciously?! but it doesn't matter. That's unhealthy nasty mind games. It would get to the best of us in time. 

Best, Leah


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Just a couple of thoughts: I agree give him dust next time you're biking. Depending on him, you know him best, I might explain very clinically exactly where you stand on this, ie 'you've said something you know hurt me yet you knew that last time. I really don't know what to do but be sure it won't hurt any less next time and none of this is doing me, us or our relationship, and certainly not you, any good' (I can't imagine this will help but it's an alternative approach!) 
If you consider what is suggested with children who behave badly for no apparent reason, it's all to get attention. Ignore ignore ignore is the M.O. (unless of course the child actually DESERVES more attention....) why should an adult behaving badly be any different? 
Lastly, WHY is he doing this? Maybe because you've changed the dynamics and he doesn't like it. 
(no, actually lastly this: as per usual another comparison with me & OH - he's a successful businessman with a dire relationship history Ho Hum!!)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Gotta get this off my chest.
> I don't know how much more of this I'm going to take, but I know that if and when I leave my H, I will have done my best.
> Ang if, at that time, he's STILL the jerk he is right now, I'll know I'm doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


He's insecure.


Bob


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

If he says it again, I'll say "you know...there's more to see in those pictures than an extra 30 lbs."

Last night before I went to bed, I leaned next to him, looked at the pics, and said "there's a lot of beautiful memories here."
he looked at me with that caged fox/"she's gonna yell at me" face, and he said "wonderful. Someday you can tell me all about them."
then I went to bed without kissing him good night.

he so doesn't get it.

I'm resisting the temptation to bring it up.
----help keep me on track with that, friends! Just tell me "No!"
Why? It won't do any damn good right now.
As MEM said, he's trying to break me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> If he says it again, I'll say "you know...there's more to see in those pictures than an extra 30 lbs."
> 
> Last night before I went to bed, I leaned next to him, looked at the pics, and said "there's a lot of beautiful memories here."
> he looked at me with that caged fox/"she's gonna yell at me" face, and he said "wonderful. Someday you can tell me all about them."
> ...


So, I guess the question is: how does a man find security in who he is? Your husband's problem is he doesn't know his identity as a man and has lost his "power" in his home. When I mean "power", I mean that he doesn't know how to change things for the better for himself and his marriage. I'm sorry in that there really is only one way to fix that, and I'll refrain from getting spiritual on this board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, I guess the question is: how does a man find security in who he is? Your husband's problem is he doesn't know his identity as a man and has lost his "power" in his home. When I mean "power", I mean that he doesn't know how to change things for the better for himself and his marriage. I'm sorry in that there really is only one way to fix that, and I'll refrain from getting spiritual on this board.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm all about spiritual. PM me if you want. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

On your weight I want to say I think you are fine. Women carry weight so differently. My best friend is 5'2" and she weighs 106 and could actually go a bit lower (trust me she's far from skeletal). I'm 5'8" and need to be 120 (am 130 now). Some women have small frames. Small frame means unfortunately we don't carry extra weight well.

Calculating body frame size: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia Image


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sick of the mere expression of my thoughts being used as an immediate justification for his short fuse.
I think I'm going to invest in a tape recorder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Gotta get this off my chest.
> I don't know how much more of this I'm going to take, but I know that if and when I leave my H, I will have done my best.
> Ang if, at that time, he's STILL the jerk he is right now, I'll know I'm doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


I don't get it. Obviously it is me that is being dense, as everyone else gets it. But how is that mean? That sounds more like wow you are a hottie boombalottie to me. You WERE overweight in college it sounds? Do you just not like to be reminded? Or is it somehow saying he would not like you or love you if you were to gain weight again?

COULD you just be misinterpreting his meaning?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I don't get it. Obviously it is me that is being dense, as everyone else gets it. But how is that mean? That sounds more like wow you are a hottie boombalottie to me. You WERE overweight in college it sounds? Do you just not like to be reminded? Or is it somehow saying he would not like you or love you if you were to gain weight again?
> 
> COULD you just be misinterpreting his meaning?


I was wondering what your take would be on this, so thanks for replying.

A few things:

1. It may not be as heavy-laden with nefarious "drag Credam down" intentions. Still, strikes me as immature and shallow.
2. In the absence of all the other crap that's colored our climate lately, this might be a case of me being oversensitive.
-------4 days ago he literally told me his role in my life is to tell me what all my flaws are.
3. Sure, he's telling me I'm hot now. 

I.e., he essentially informed me he's looking for things that are wrong with me.

Know what I mean? 
If at the heart of it I was certain of his unconditional love, this would turn into a silly joke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

He actually said his role was to point out your flaws? Really? Who died and made him God?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> He actually said his role was to point out your flaws? Really? Who died and made him God?


I'm paraphrasing.
He was manipulating the rationale of our marriage counseling program---"imago therapy"
He's desperately grasping for a fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Grasping for a fight?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I was wondering what your take would be on this, so thanks for replying.
> 
> A few things:
> 
> ...


The who is and who isn't "over sensitive" is the stupidest argument in marriage. Ok one of them.

You are as sensitive as you are. Duh. The kicker is that the only thing you can really do is not add fuel to the fire by responding.



> -------4 days ago he literally told me his role in my life is to tell me what all my flaws are.


Nice. Was this masked under the guise of a "joke"?


> 3. Sure, he's telling me I'm hot now.
> 
> I.e., he essentially informed me he's looking for things that are wrong with me.
> 
> Know what I mean?


Yup. Thanks for explaining.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Grasping for a fight?


Yes. I don't think he knows how to handle uncomfortable feelings without fighting angrily.
And he can't stand the way Ive been handling "issues" lately---disengaging instead of arguing---so he just gets madder at me.

We used to both get pissed off----so we fought. Now i won't fight with him anymore. But he's still pissed off.

So I'm waiting until he's capable of handling/discussing uncomfortable feelings without letting anger do all the talking, without losing his temper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats what I thought. You know I was just like that 12 years ago right? Hard to believe even for me and I lived it. 

That tells me that you are absolutely on the right track as my hubby did the same to me. Disengaged.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Nice. Was this masked under the guise of a "joke"?


Hell no.

He unleashed about a month's worth of frustration at me (built up by my decision to disengage with him when he was angry about 3 times in a row, keep my cool, and be an obviously happy individual), in a single venomous spew.

He was really looking for things to criticize--ridiculous, insipid things.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Thats what I thought. You know I was just like that 12 years ago right? Hard to believe even for me and I lived it.
> 
> That tells me that you are absolutely on the right track as my hubby did the same to me. Disengaged.


I'm being patient.

It's a catch-22....I honestly hope for a positive outcome from "ultimatum day"--i.e., when I let him know that IF certain things continue, there IS a REAL risk that I WILL leave.

BUT....he's not ready for that kind of conversation. So if I rush it,"ultimatum day" will turn into "Apocalypse Day."

I have to be more consistent in my own changed approach, so that eventually the caged fox will let down his guard and not snap when tricky conversations come up.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband should have left me. Probably within 6 months of being married he should have issued that ultimatum. But sigh it's all better now so I guess the path we took was the one we were meant to take.

I'm really impressed with how you are handling this. You are one strong woman!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Hell no.
> 
> He unleashed about a month's worth of frustration at me (built up by my decision to disengage with him when he was angry about 3 times in a row, keep my cool, and be an obviously happy individual), in a single venomous spew.
> 
> He was really looking for things to criticize--ridiculous, insipid things.


What fun. Where do I get a lovely husband like that?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are married to a boy. A spoiled little one who can't or won't choose better for himself and his marriage.

This is going to come down to you ... and when you make the decision, he will blame you for it. And by doing so he only proves my statement above. 

Your husband is simply not ready to be a husband.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You are married to a boy. A spoiled little one who can't or won't choose better for himself and his marriage.
> 
> This is going to come down to you ... and when you make the decision, he will blame you for it. And by doing so he only proves my statement above.
> 
> Your husband is simply not ready to be a husband.


It is a tough call. Both my husband and I were children bawling and wailing when we married. We both were jerks in every possible way one could dream up. The big question is credam's growth going to lead him to grow? If not, it will be hard for her to stay. And it sounds like she is starting to make that decision.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

At this point, I'm just working my way up to:

what to say
when to say it
how to say it

what my plan is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> It is a tough call. Both my husband and I were children bawling and wailing when we married. We both were jerks in every possible way one could dream up. The big question is credam's growth going to lead him to grow? If not, it will be hard for her to stay. And it sounds like she is starting to make that decision.


Excellent summary

Something similar going on here.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Credam...my concern for you was that you were going to outgrow your husband. He needs to get on the ball, and fast. 

He's unaware of what's coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Credam...my concern for you was that you were going to outgrow your husband. He needs to get on the ball, and fast.
> 
> He's unaware of what's coming.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've missed you, mm.

Yes, this is part of my catch-22...
He needs to know the stakes. but for any possibility of success (ie, he gets on the ball), he needs to be ready for the conversation first.
I really don't know right now. I really do not know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> That is about the meanest thing a man can say to his wife.
> 
> Wow - 5'4 and 105 - you are perfect even for a guy who likes thin women. Any lighter and you will be way TOO thin.


No kidding, my 10 year old daughter (competitive figure skater) is 5 foot 1 and she weighs 105. She is like the 85th percentile in weight for her age and 99th for height.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He wasn't saying I'm fat now. He was reminding me that I used to be fat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He wasn't saying I'm fat now. He was reminding me that I used to be fat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That seems pointless and doesn't make sense, how could MORE exercise get you to your 'college weight' if that was 'fat'?:scratchhead:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> That seems pointless and doesn't make sense, how could MORE exercise get you to your 'college weight' if that was 'fat'?:scratchhead:


No, he was saying: "If you keep up all this exercise, I don't need to worry that you'll ever look like you did in college."

In college I maxed out at 143! Almost unbelievable when you look at me now.


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