# He confessed he cheated 8 years ago with 5 women



## Lawoman85 (Aug 8, 2017)

Sorry I had to delete my post


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This drunken incident where he tore the door down with your daughter in the room was 1 month ago? There are much bigger issues than cheating. Fights in front of your kid with things like "I hate you" being said and doors being broken, running off to drink (driving?) 
You can't have your child around that. Ever. If nothing else, you need to leave to protect your child. Cheating is really the least of the problems right now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A healthy and functional relationship cannot be built in an environment of alcoholism and violence. 

That must be treated professionally first before the affairs of the past can be delt with effectively. 

One of the countless pitfalls of addiction is that a person's personal development stops when the addiction begins. 

That means if he began drinking as a teenager, that is where his developmental level stopped and even though he is in his 30s, he is at the developmental level and responsibility of basically a teenager. 

This is very heavy stuff and he won't have the maturity and personal development to address it adequately. 

The alcoholism must be addressed and treated first before you can make any progress with the other issues. 

This will all likely require professional, medical intervention for the alcoholism, individual counseling and therapy for the violence and personal issues and marital counseling for the infidelity and marital and childrearing issues. 

this is beyond the scope of strangers on the internet.


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## Lawoman85 (Aug 8, 2017)

When the incident happened which was almost two months ago, took me one month to finally post this I told him that in order for me to stay he had to quit drinking and he agreed. A couple days later he told me he was going to control his drinking and to give him another chance. I reluctantly agreed. He has not gotten drunk since then although there have been a few occasions where I felt he drank one too many. That incident was the only time he has behaved that way in front of our daughter. He told me the next morning that he felt he hit rock bottom and wanted to change. Him confessing to cheating should have been the last straw but something in my heart didn't let me leave. I need to set boundaries and once it is crossed I need to leave and not look back. I want to ask him to quit drinking but I don't want him to resent me.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

To be completely honest my love, and I say this with all respect, he doesn't sound like he's a great husband and father. Drunkenly breaking down a bedroom door is not the actions of a great husband and father, even if it was only once. Nor are one night stands. 

I think it's entirely up to you, and he should be made to understand that. He needs to prove to you that he's worthy, and you get to decide what you want to do. You are completely justified in leaving him, and he could have no complaints. But if he wants you to still be his companion, he needs to prove to you, with actions not just promises, that he is going to treat you well and sort himself out. 

As for the drinking, I myself had a drinking problem and my mother was an alcoholic for many years, and my advice is this: he needs to quit, totally and utterly. No cutting down, no moderation, just that's it, never shall an alcoholic drink touch his lips again. I honestly don't think there's any other way, and what's more, the benefits of being a 'free man' far outweigh the loss of 'social drinking' and 'just one to take the edge off the day'. There are some of us, I'm one of them and it sounds like your husband is another, who simply cannot consume alcohol. It's usually self-medicating, but that's a different topic. I'd recommend a book called 'The EasyWay to give up Alcohol' by Allen Carr. 

That's my thoughts. I hope you are okay and that it works out for you.


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## LivingInAMistake (Aug 8, 2017)

Lawoman85 said:


> I want to ask him to quit drinking but I don't want him to resent me.


Then, you two have to address the reason for drinking and make the desire go away that way. You can commit to do that together but you have to first set clear guidelines that in the meantime, there's moderated drinking and YOU get to decide what's allowed. You commit to working through it with him and he commits to proving his dedication by sticking to it. He goes to counselling and then you two go together after he's ready.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that this is the first time he acted like that in front of your daughter. Does that mean that he's been violent with you before, just not in front of your daughter?

Here is a link to a book that you need to read. You are codependent. That means that you put the needs of your husband (with his addiction) ahead of your needs and your daughter's needs. And in the process your are destroying yourself. And your daughter will also be destroyed. The book will teach you how to set boundaries that you need so badly to set. Until you stop your co-dependent behavior and making excuses for your husband he will keep drinking and things will just continue to spiral out of control. 

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie


Here is another book that might help.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

You have to deal with our codependency first. Your husband has to deal with his drinking and his abuse first. 

Until those things are dealt with, you cannot fix your marriage or recover from his affairs. It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from the infidelity. add to that your other marital problems you have and our work is cut out for you.


Do you have a job? Can you support yourself?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lawoman85 said:


> When the incident happened which was almost two months ago, took me one month to finally post this I told him that in order for me to stay he had to quit drinking and he agreed. A couple days later he told me he was going to control his drinking and to give him another chance. I reluctantly agreed. He has not gotten drunk since then although there have been a few occasions where I felt he drank one too many. That incident was the only time he has behaved that way in front of our daughter. He told me the next morning that he felt he hit rock bottom and wanted to change. Him confessing to cheating should have been the last straw but something in my heart didn't let me leave. I need to set boundaries and once it is crossed I need to leave and not look back. I want to ask him to quit drinking but I don't want him to resent me.


Only five women?

You married two men. You actually have had sex with two men, not one.

1) The sober man.
2) The drunk stranger.

Alcohol is a vicious monkey on one's back. Once it latches onto you it does not want to let go. Trying to break free from alcohol is harder than trying to break away from heroin.
He can taper off...this helps only a little. 

Tell him if he wants to stay married he must go to rehab, stay sober for a year.

On the infidelity? I would dump him.
Your'call.

Good luck :|


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Although the cheating is terrible and needs to be addressed there are bigger issues here. Abuse and alcoholism don't provide a very stable environment to raise a child or for you live.
Honestly you say that he is a good husband and father but as recently as two month is ago he broke down a door in an alcoholic rage?
He needs to address his drinking, not just "cut back" . The cheating can be dealt with later. 
You have a long road ahead of you and your husband has an even longer road. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, your husband is a sometimes-violent alcoholic serial cheater. 

Honestly, I'm nearly as concerned that you consider such a man "a great husband and father," as I am about his very obvious issues. You're _very_ codependent. Yes, he needs to get sober and address his anger and whatever other underlying issues he has. But you also need to get some help in addressing whatever's going on with you that allows you to think a serial cheating abusive drunk is a good partner for you and role model for your child. Start with reading _Codependent No More_, but you might also look into attending some Al-Anon meetings in your area or perhaps finding a therapist to help you sort out your codependence issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am sorry you had to delete your initial post.

I assume he is reading this? You do not want to antagonize him? Too bad for him. Whatever.

When you complete 30 personal posts, you will be able to post a new one in a private window. Unseen by the casual reader.

One question I forgot to ask:

You said that both of you were heavy partiers early in your relationship. 

Did you also cross the line before? Did you also cheat on him?

Is this the reason you want to rugsweep his affairs. 

The alcohol and violence, aside, of course. No excuse for that behavior.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He can't have any drinks. It doesn't matter if he's not getting drunk. 0 drinking ever. If he can't do that and get the help he needs to do it he will never change and it will continue to get worse and your daughter will be affected by it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, and foremost, he needs immediate help with his lifelong alcohol problem!

And provided that you really want to keep the marriage intact, the two of you need rather extensive MC!

While the adultery and the deception seem to be the bigger problems here, the alcohol apparently is what predicated it all!

Best of luck to you!*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Not sure why you deleted your original post but i suspect you did not like what the posters are saying, and while you can certainly disagree with with their assessment of your husband and situation, it doesn't make it less true...he is not a very good husband and spouse.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lawoman85 said:


> When the incident happened which was almost two months ago, took me one month to finally post this I told him that in order for me to stay he had to quit drinking and he agreed. A couple days later he told me he was going to control his drinking and to give him another chance. I reluctantly agreed. He has not gotten drunk since then although there have been a few occasions where I felt he drank one too many. That incident was the only time he has behaved that way in front of our daughter. He told me the next morning that he felt he hit rock bottom and wanted to change. Him confessing to cheating should have been the last straw but something in my heart didn't let me leave. I need to set boundaries and once it is crossed I need to leave and not look back. I want to ask him to quit drinking but I don't want him to resent me.


Lawoman, I am married to a RA who has been dry for 16 months. An alcoholic or problem drinker cannot 'control' their drink although that is the most common excuse they use, 'i'll only have two' 'i'll mix it with water' 'i will only drink beer' confused you will hear those excuses over and over, he will be good for a few weeks, then he will drink more, come home later until the next big blow up and off you go on the never ending roller coaster. 

YOu cannot control his drinking no more than you can control your hair growing. What you can do is back off, stop fighting with him, stiop engaging with him completely when he is drunk, take note of his drinking episodes, tape him, record it down, etc. He will deny it ever happened or he was physically or emotionally abusive, keep records, photos, video, you smart phone will come in handy.

Then get yourself and your child into Al anon and Al Ateen for kids. YOU are most likely co-dependent, (always covering for him, solving the problem, for him) you have learn to detach emotionally and not clean up his mess physically or metaphorically when it happens, if he asks you to call work and lie, say no, if he asks you to cover costs of something because he spent the money , say no, he must suffer the consequences of drinking.

When he gets angry walk away, better still have an over night bag for you and your kid, get in the car and leave, ( I have done this many times when the kids were young and always went to my MIL, so he had the added problem of her disappointment and wrath).

Learn as much as you can about living with an alcoholic, it creates one of the most dysfunctional families, as it affects everyone including you. Read the materials from Al-Anon some is online too. In addition, the UK website Bottled Up has some good stuff, including videos. Learn because with knowledge of the problem, truly comes power, that is what happened to me. The tools you are given, use them.

If he has also cheated then there is nothing much to save, he may well decide to turn his life around if he is about to lose everything, that is the way most alcoholics are, There will be many many false starts before they get there (if ever) meanwhile you will have wasted years of your life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I wish I had a dime for every drunk who claimed that they 'want to change.'

While they_ continue_ drinking.

I'd have a ton of dimes.

Literally, a ton of them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing to keep in mind is that cheaters lie. If he confessed to cheating with 5 women, it was probably a lot more. He even gave himself an out when he told you about this. He said that he had to struggle to remember how many. Cleaver of him.


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