# Ever thought of hooking up with another person that craves more sex in marriage?



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Just thought I would ask this as I come here all the time..constantly see something that I thought I would never see...Women out there wanting more sex in theyre marriage..before I came here I always thought it was always just the men complaining about not enough passion...not enough erotic sex in theyre marriage..but was I ever wrong..theres probably more women on here than guys..and most of them want more sex..
I am not saying I am here to pick up anyone..because me and my wife have a great marriage..except when it comes to sex..so about 50 percent of our marriage is great..the other 50 will probably stay that way as there have been no signs of her ever changing..and I have pretty much accepted it..but...I still fantasize how sex would be with someone who craves it as much as I do..someone who actually wants to pleasure me because they like to do it, not because its theyre duty to do so..

So while this site is supposed to help people by getting theyre marriage back on track..if I didnt have morals..I would be PMing every chick on this board asking if they would like to chat, maybe meet up sometime..already we would have 50 percent in common what me and my wife dont...
but since I do have morals I keep myself from doing this..and even if I did I am sure I would appear as a creep to people on here..would get banned..and nobody would want to talk to me..

Just saying..I cant be the only person who has every thought of this..but yet I keep myself away from Live Internet Webcam girls..prostitutes..

Why?

Maybe because I have absolutely nothing in common with those girls..at least not from what I know of..somebody who is struggling with the same lack of passion..sex..in theyre marriage would already understand me better in this area than my own wife...

I have a feeling that all of us here are probably more erotic...more passionate about sex...than people who dont come here..its obvious...we want more sex..thats why we come here..looking for an answer, but in the end it only makes things more difficult for us because we hear of all these opposite sex people who want sex so bad in their marriage to work..we read stories..try to give answers that help...but in the end it only leaves us wanting it even more..we turn back to our spouses and they havent changed a bit...and talking to them about it puts too much pressure on them and it only gets worse..

Has anybody here actually had REAL long term success by coming here looking for advice..answers? 

For me its helped a bit in that I understand that I am not the only guy who gets no effort from his wife..

But its also left me frustrated sometimes because I know there are Women out there who crave sex just as much as I do..or even more..makes me wonder why it is that I married someone with such a low sex drive...
But I guess once you get to know a person real good like a spouse there will always be something missing that you crave...


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't know your whole story, but how long have you been married? How are well do you do when it comes to showing and expressing affection towards your wife? Do you guys spend a lot of time alone doing things together? Do you spend a lot of time conversing with your wife about things that interest her? Do you have recreational activities that you enjoy together?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

From what I've read it's very normal for high drive people to marry lower drive people. Yin/yang, light/dark, opposites attract that kind of thing. That is the stance of the book Sex Starved Marriage.

I'm the high drive one in my marriage and while it's too soon to claim long term success I can see improvement in my sex life from implementing advice that people on here have given me. Bottom line for me is I found that my H had needs that I wasn't meeting. Once I started doing that without expectations and with a full heart he changed. We still have a ways to go sure but we are on the right track.

So post your story and I'm sure someone will be able to help. Great people here.


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

I could have written this letter. I know it's wrong for me to think about going outside my marriage for sex but it is also very frustrating and hurtful to be constantly rejected and not wanted/desired. Women have enough problems with self esteem/body image that it really does a number on you when your own husband doesn't seem to want you. I've tried everything I can think of. I've lost weight, I've tried to be more attentive to him in other areas, I've sent him to the doctor and taken him to marriage counseling. He wasn't honest with either the doctor or the marriage counselor. 
I've had cyber sex and dirty talk with other men which is temporarily satisfying but in the end leaves me feeling ashamed and guilty. 

I don't know what the answer is. 
I will say that there are other things in our marriage I'm not satisfied with but I think if there were more physical love and attention, they wouldn't matter as much.

I realize I didn't offer any helpful advice but I did think maybe it would make you feel better to know that you're not alone.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> From what I've read *it's very normal for high drive people to marry lower drive people.* Yin/yang, light/dark, opposites attract that kind of thing. That is the stance of the book Sex Starved Marriage.


Ever wonder why this is?
What if hight drive and low drive split themselves up in the world? Made seperate countries..would marriages still suffer from divorce, cheating..complaining to people about ones wife or husbands lack of sexual desire, etc?


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

When our kids were young and I was busy raising them, doing housework and sometimes working outside the home, I was too tired to even care about sex and many times he wanted it and I said no. He's told me I've conditioned him to want it less from those years of not having it as much. But when I see other men who've been told no for years, it seems as if they want it just as much. 
I think one of the reasons I want it so much now is hormones.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Ever wonder why this is?
> What if hight drive and low drive split themselves up in the world? Made seperate countries..would marriages still suffer from divorce, cheating..complaining to people about ones wife or husbands lack of sexual desire, etc?


Yes I have. In fact I felt cheated because my H acted like he was all into sex before we married but then I found out he really isn't. It's just not a priority for him. Sucks.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Tempted6119 said:


> I could have written this letter. I know it's wrong for me to think about going outside my marriage for sex but it is also very frustrating and hurtful to be constantly rejected and not wanted/desired. Women have enough problems with self esteem/body image that it really does a number on you when your own husband doesn't seem to want you. I've tried everything I can think of. I've lost weight, I've tried to be more attentive to him in other areas, I've sent him to the doctor and taken him to marriage counseling. He wasn't honest with either the doctor or the marriage counselor.
> I've had cyber sex and dirty talk with other men which is temporarily satisfying but in the end leaves me feeling ashamed and guilty.
> 
> I don't know what the answer is.
> ...



This is exactly how I feel...we feel like we have done everything..but in the end you really cant change anybody..the more you try the more frustrated you will end up..you can only learn to understand..and to accept..the changing part has to come from Your spouse..they have to WANT to change themselves..not because of you wanting it..but because they themselves want to be a better spouse for you...

I ask my wife sometimes what she wants me to improve on..
She never aswers the question..she always seems satisfied with our marriage...

I want her to feel that theres something wrong with our sexual communication like I feel there is...I have talked to her about it many times..but its like talking to a brick wall...except this brick wall only gets stronger..and it only gets tougher to climb over each time you try..


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> I don't know your whole story, but how long have you been married? How are well do you do when it comes to showing and expressing affection towards your wife? Do you guys spend a lot of time alone doing things together? Do you spend a lot of time conversing with your wife about things that interest her? Do you have recreational activities that you enjoy together?


The purpose for the questions above was to gain some understanding of how well you might be meeting your wife's emotional needs. Women are emotionally charged creatures when it comes to sex. They are more prone to be intimate with someone who they feel very emotionally connected to. 

I would guess that maybe there are some areas in your relationship where you fall short on meeting some of her needs. Not that she is without any failings, but you are the one looking for more sex. I bet if you figured out just where you are failing in meeting her needs and make the effort to start changing those areas, sexual frequency would change. Maybe it won't change drastically at first, but I would bet there would be a notable change in the frequency as well as her willingness.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a great resource for discovering where might be able to make some changes.


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> I ask my wife sometimes what she wants me to improve on..
> She never aswers the question..she always seems satisfied with our marriage...
> 
> I want her to feel that theres something wrong with our sexual communication like I feel there is...I have talked to her about it many times..but its like talking to a brick wall...except this brick wall only gets stronger..and it only gets tougher to climb over each time you try..


I can't even bring it up anymore as it makes him angry. And then I feel even more hurt and alone than before. There are times I'm tempted to leave but I can't afford to make it on my own.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes I have. In fact I felt cheated because my H acted like he was all into sex before we married but then I found out he really isn't. It's just not a priority for him. Sucks.


Same here..before we got married my wife would get on top of me in her parents living room couch when nobody was home and start riding me..or give me blowjobs without me asking for them..
After the marriage..a complete turnaround..it all of the sudden became duty sex...
Having said that, we didnt have actual sex before we were married..it was dry humping and oral sex..but she led me to believe she loved these things..
Now I realise they were her hormones because it was all new to her...and...she wanted me crazy for her..

Now she has gained more weight..doesnt care to exercise...doesnt care to satisfy me..

Otherwise our marriage is absolutely FANTASTIC:smthumbup:


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

And no, he doesn't want to change either. He told me this is the way I am. I'm the same person I've always been. I'm not changing. If you don't like it, then leave.


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> The purpose for the questions above was to gain some understanding of how well you might be meeting your wife's emotional needs. Women are emotionally charged creatures when it comes to sex. They are more prone to be intimate with someone who they feel very emotionally connected to.
> 
> I would guess that maybe there are some areas in your relationship where you fall short on meeting some of her needs. Not that she is without any failings, but you are the one looking for more sex. I bet if you figured out just where you are failing in meeting her needs and make the effort to start changing those areas, sexual frequency would change. Maybe it won't change drastically at first, but I would bet there would be a notable change in the frequency as well as her willingness.
> 
> The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a great resource for discovering where might be able to make some changes.


This is very good advice for some people and I would say it made a difference when I was younger. If he cared about trying to connect with me in other ways, I would be more sexually responsive to him. But I also feel it has to have something to do with hormones as well. Back then I really didn't care about sex and now I'm crazy for it. Nothing's changed as far as him connecting with me more. We're more distant now than ever.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

marksaysay said:


> I don't know your whole story, but how long have you been married? How are well do you do when it comes to showing and expressing affection towards your wife? Do you guys spend a lot of time alone doing things together? Do you spend a lot of time conversing with your wife about things that interest her? Do you have recreational activities that you enjoy together?


Your right..and in your post further down you explained why you posted this..it makes me think..me and my wife really dont do much outside of work..come come..eat..watch TV together because usually she is way too tired to do anything else..
Why is she too tired?
Its not because she is working to much..lately she has..but even when she wasnt working or just working part time..its like she was even more lazy when it came to sex...
As far as keeping the house clean...taking care of the dogs(we dont have kids yet) she is NOT lazy at all...but even when everything is caught up..and she is Not tired...sex is not on her mind..shes looking for something around the house to tire her out..or she will chat with her mom, or friends..(which is great)..and will easily stay up till 2 AM to talk with them...laugh..cry...talk about whatever..but when she turns to me..shes tired..sleepy...the cheerful wife turns into the lazy..boring wife...

Yes we need to do stuff outside of the house...but its almost like we dont even know how to be..we took a dancing class...she was so uptight, concerned about me doing everything perfect that she had no fun at all...(I am a ****ty dancer..dancing is in her blood),
We tried the gym..Im a gym rat..she cant get herself to go more often..

My wife displays alot of energy..flirty attitude at work..or when being with friends..its with me shes this boring, dull person..
She used to be the opposite with me when we first met..

Even though I have gone through times when I wasnt attracted to her anymore..I tried everything to ignite that spark for her again...she does Not have a bikini body anymore..yet still I am crazy for her..its all in my mind..I still get turned on by her..even when shes laying there half asleep because I know shes the only one Im gonna have sex with..so I better make the best of it...I think I am trying..and she is not.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have a question - does anyone know if sex-starved marriages are increasing in frequency? If it is a fairly recent develpoement then the problem is not local in the marriages themselves but a systemic type effect. 

If the problem has increased, it may be due to all of the changes in society in a very short period of time. Our lives seem more stressful than in fomer days when things were simpler. Figuring out what is responsible for it may help in eliminating the factors associated with sex-starved marriages. 

MG - just wanted to point out something in your post that you may what to look at. You wrote " someone who actually wants to pleasure me because they like to do it, not because its theyre duty to do so". It a fantasy of course but may reflect a mind set that is unrealistic. Why would a woman who likes sex have sex just for the man's pleasure ? What would she ger out of it? 

I ask that because your approach to your wife sexually may have the same unrealistic expectation that she should be delighted to give you pleasure. It has to be mutual or it does dwindle in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I have a question - does anyone know if sex-starved marriages are increasing in frequency? If it is a fairly recent develpoement then the problem is not local in the marriages themselves but a systemic type effect.
> 
> If the problem has increased, it may be due to all of the changes in society in a very short period of time. Our lives seem more stressful than in fomer days when things were simpler. Figuring out what is responsible for it may help in eliminating the factors associated with sex-starved marriages.
> 
> ...


You may be on to something. It might be the increased stress on people that is causing this.

I do want to note though that I have the same feelings as MG does about his wife, about my husband. I want him to want it as much as I do, to really enjoy it and not think of it as a duty. I like sex and it turns me on to turn them on. So yes, a woman who likes sex would like to pleasure the man as well. It should be a mutual thing. It is a huge turn on to me to know that I'm turning them on. It does bring me pleasure to bring pleasure to someone else.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is boring to you, what woould you like her to do to entertain you more. What would she say about you? Are you an exciting animated non boring guy. 

I don't know - when I come home to my house I would hate to think that my husband expects me to behave in away to keep him from being bored. That's not my responsibility, I did not sign up to to keep him from boredom. I have no expectation of him keeping me entertained. I read, write, listen to music, persue topics that interest me and I am never bored or bored by him, even when he spends hrs working on his car. 

From your post I think your expectations of your wife are unrealistic and self centered. Do you really think she needs to entertain you so she does not appear boring. It is difficult to be on stage when you with someone all of the time. She should at lest have somewhere to lay her head with out being examined and judged to meet some standard. A bikini body, entertaining woman who want to pleasure you probably does not exist. 

Do you think your expectations are realistic or even fare to your wife. She may seem boring because she is married to a man who has high expectation for himself and less of an idea how to give in a relationship. I think you should examine how you think about your wife and what you assume she should do for you. Try to use empathy, put your self in her shoes and ask your self how you would like to live with someone who expected you to keep them from boredom and who expects to be pleasured. 

The early sex you had was immature, she did thinks for you. Now you have to make the transition to be a mature man capable of maintaoning a healty sexual relationship, increase your knowledge of sexuality and how to focus on you wife's pleasure and not just the please you get. 

As a mature man, you have to change your view of your wife - as much as you expect from her, give to her more of what she finds important. Find out what that is and give. try to get out of the mind set that she needs to be a certain way to keep you, she will resist your effort because the attitude is unfair and unrealistic. you may become more sexually attractive to her if you stop looking to her to entertain you and you take responsibility to make yourself entertaining.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

What I want is my wife to enjoy my body the way I enjoy hers..I mean slightly different cuz Im a man and shes a woman..but still..wish she were to lust over me like I do over her...isnt that one of the beautiful things of marriage..when we are single we fantasize about the opposite sex..when we get married we want to experience those fantasies..
I dont think my wife has ever experienced sexual fantasies..
I used to think all women were more or less this way..but coming to this message board..it seems just as many if not more women starve for passion..lust..sexual energy from their husbands..and I find it frustrating that my wife isnt this way...I often wish the problem was me..but she in general doesnt seem attractive to any men in a sexual way..
In some ways I sometimes wish she wanted to cheat on me..at least I would know that she does have sexual hormones..


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

> She is boring to you, what woould you like her to do to entertain you more. What would she say about you? Are you an exciting animated non boring guy.


I don't think it's fair to come down on him like this. He has said that his wife easily stays up till 2am chatting with her friends and family but has no energy left for him. He's not asking her to entertain him he just wants to be with her. When is it okay to not make your spouse a priority above friends and family at least some of the time? Most times men are simple creatures and ask for very little but woman miss this. They think it's okay to have their own lives, to busy themselves with other things and then have no idea that their husbands are unhappy.

I know there are plenty of clueless husbands out there but most won't be found on this board seeking help. Just sayin...


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> She is boring to you, what woould you like her to do to entertain you more. What would she say about you? Are you an exciting animated non boring guy.
> 
> I don't know - when I come home to my house I would hate to think that my husband expects me to behave in away to keep him from being bored. That's not my responsibility, I did not sign up to to keep him from boredom. I have no expectation of him keeping me entertained. I read, write, listen to music, persue topics that interest me and I am never bored or bored by him, even when he spends hrs working on his car.
> 
> ...


Nice post..and nicely put..but I dont think you understand exactly what I mean..or maybe I was saying it wrong..

First off..I dont JUST expect my wife to entertain me..she can gladly do her own thing..I got no problems with that..I can easily keep myself entertained..most of the time we are great together..always kissing..hugging..telling each other we love each other...romantic stuff...I have had candle lit dinners for us for special occasions or a few times just because...And she loves it..but I dont romance her too much..shes not sick of it..probably should do it a little more..but heres the problem..
After over three years of marriage..she will never do the same for me...I know it sounds self centered..I am human, I cant help but want my wife to express her love for me as well..especially in a physical way..
Everytime we have sex I am the one initiating...I always go down on her..always make her orgasm first...she absolutely loves it...I spend LOTS of time doing foreplay with her and she is NOT bored of it at all...but always she will ONLY receive..usually I need to ask her to go down on me...usually we only kiss passionately if I initiate it...
Bottom line is..Passion doesnt happen unless I initiate it..wether its sex..or just kissing..she always loves it..but never initiates..
I have communicated this in nice ways...a few times rude ways..sometimes complained...I have gotten frustrated but in the end we are all happy and loving again the next day..each day is like a new day with us..we dont hold grudges against each other...we are like puppies in love..but..Wife doesnt initiate..even though she clearly knows how to make me happy sexually..she doesnt...thats why I am bored sexually.

Having said all that...I do feel very self centered sometimes..but cant help it..the more she shows no sign of wanting passionate sex from me..the more I dont want to do things that make her happy (like going shopping with her)


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am the horniest man on the planet. It was a problem in my marriage for a long, long time. It led to frustration on my part and exasperation on my wife's part and friction between us for years.
If you look, you can read my whole story on these forums. To make it short, both my wife and I looked elsewhere for what we were missing at home. I can say that it was the biggest mistake of my life.
Now that we understand each other better, we no longer have a problem with sex. I'm nicer, she's hornier.
Life is good!!

Never again will I think that "the grass is greener". I'm staying in my own yard.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One of the reasons I left my marriage was the lack of intimacy. Not JUST sex, but that was a big part of it. I would have labelled our sex life as "average" at first, but degrading over time. But my wife was my first partner, and at 23 years old, I didn't know any better. Combine that with personality and physical changes over 20 years, and this where I ended up.

Lately, I've been seeing someone who was also in a loveless marriage. Let me tell you, there's an awful lot of sexual energy that gets built up over time! And yes, I would say that we're as into each others pleasure as much as our own. There's definitely sessions where it's about one of us or the other, for whatever reason. Our relationship started off primarily physical, but we've found each other compatible in a lot of other areas as well. I think because of this though, we've both been open and honest with each other from the start about our fantasies, our likes and dislikes, etc. There's something incredible about a confident and open 42 year old... No games or manipulations.

I think I've been realistic in my expectations that this relationship likely won't be "forever". As good as it is now, we're still in the honeymoon phase, and both of us have lots to deal with before we're ready for another serious commitment. But she's definitely helped reset what I'm looking for in a next partner.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

I, too, don't think it was right to come down on this guy. He came here looking for help. Is it wanting to be entertained, to have your wife want to make love to you more than once a month? People say guys have a one-track mind. I think what it really is is that when we really love a woman and are attracted to her, we want to experience her on many deep and intimate levels, including sex. We are very passionate creatures. When we are denied the opportunity to express this and experience the woman in this way, something is missing. Over time, it starts to naw at your insides. When we are focused on making love to you, we are focused on nothing but that. We are capable of tuning out all the other stuff and just concentrating on you. Meanwhile, while we have this romantic night all planned, if the slightest thing goes wrong or the stars all don't align just right, a woman's mood can go icy and then all our night is shot to hell. 
I think it is ironic and sad that a married couple is supposed to close and in love, yet makes love less than teenagers do or people who are messing around. It's like a good and loving man like the this man (original poster to this thread) gets crapped on for all his efforts. 
To the poster, as hard as it may be to do, my advice is to act like you have a happy life of your own, and don't "need" your wife. Withdraw a bit; don't be mean or hateful, just withdraw some of the nicey-nice things you may be doing. Back off the affection. The idea is to not reward her for her behavior. The way it is now, she's getting the best of both worlds; she's not having to put forth any effort to get meet your needs, and she is still getting a faithful man who does all the housework and probably rubs her feet at the end of the day, buys flowers, and other "romantic" things. I'm saying to bring all that to a trickle, if not halt altogether. Don't become a slob, just leave something for her to do, and don't do it for her if she doesn't do it - just leave it until kingdom come if she doesn't do it. Meanwhile, start a self-improvement program - not because you are "messed up," but to make yourself feel better and to also divert some of your energy and frustration into something positive. Exercise more, get a new haircut or style, grow a goatee, buy some new clothes (clothes are expensive but you could find a thrift store and no one would be able to tell the difference - trust me; they have clothes that others will think you bought new). Buy a new cologne. Be a fun person to be around; I recommend reading books like "The Superior Man" by David Deida and "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." by Wayne Levine for starters. They are two of the best books any man could read, and you can find them pretty cheap on Amazon. 
Meanwhile, while this sudden change has come over you, and your wife sees you pulling back, she may begin to wonder and feel you subtly slipping away. She may even start to wonder if you're interested in someone else. She might just get a reality shock that makes her "dust off the uniform and get back in the game," sexually speaking, with you like she should all along. If she responds favorably, keep doing what your doing but give more affection back as she responds in kind. Even if she becomes highly sexual with you consistently, don't abandon your new-found aura and "style" and go back to your old ways. Keep a bit of mystery about you. Don't come across as need-clingy to her. The idea is to convey to her (but DO NOT VERBALIZE ANY OF THIS - JUST DO IT AND BE THE MAN) that you don't absolutely need her, but you are a valuable man with something to give and if she wants to act like a real wife, and quit all the "gay" jokes and other bullsh**, then you will be happy to be all the man she could ever handle. You are the prize, and you have a gift to give her if she gets beyond her ignorance or nonchalance to give you the chance.
If you do all this, and she still doesn't change at all, within, say, a couple of months, chances are she won't change. Some people won't change no matter what you do; hopefully, that won't be the case. Then, you have to decide whether you want to stay in a sexless marriage or not, because that's what you'd have.
I sympathize; I wish you the best and I am hoping and pulling for you for good results. I know some will criticize what I have said here. Just trust that it works, and if nothing else at least you will feel better about yourself because you won't be the helpless guy looking for her to meet your needs and feeling like sh** because you got shot-down yet again. You will be improving yourself and will have a whole new attitude (and swagger) and way of looking at things. As a plus, you will become more attractive since people can sense confidence in a man.

Peace.

David


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I have a question - does anyone know if sex-starved marriages are increasing in frequency? If it is a fairly recent develpoement then the problem is not local in the marriages themselves but a systemic type effect.
> 
> If the problem has increased, it may be due to all of the changes in society in a very short period of time. Our lives seem more stressful than in fomer days when things were simpler. Figuring out what is responsible for it may help in eliminating the factors associated with sex-starved marriages.
> 
> ...


I have had sex with my husband when I wasn't in the mood. It felt good to make him happy and it's not as if the sex didn't feel good. 

There is nothing unrealistic about wanting your spouse to enjoy sex, instead of feeling obligated.


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

dbj1972--

Everytime I come here (every few weeks or so) I always end up posting the same stuff..about how my wife doesnt meet my needs, etc..
I always end up with someone like you posting something very similar to what you posted..
That really speaks one thing to me...
I need to do just that..
I think my biggest problem is that everytime when I start a self improvement program..I verbalize it to my wife way too much..in the end making me look weak..
I am not the most social person..but once I trust someone and am real close to them..I leave no mystery to me anymore...I often find people that are really close to me yawning when Im talking to them..Im a closed off individual who releases all emotion only when I truly know somebody..I get extremely passionate about something I care about..but from the outside looking in most would never see this..

I have listened in the past about the backing off from my wife..doing my own thing...I only initiate sex about one every ten days now..once I do..I feel weaker again..I feel stronger the longer I go without initiating...its almost like I fail..or beat myself down after I initiate..like I submit..give up...there wifey..how can I make you happy?
I fall very easily for my wife over and over again..I want her to fall for me the same way...I used to give her countless amounts of letters..love notes..little gifts, flowers..etc.etc..
but like you said..I was only feeding her non sexual actions...
Nowadays I rarely do those things..but nothing has changed on her side..but I think it has more to do with me verbalizing things too much...need to hold stuff in a little more..make her think..make her feel she needs to work for me again..

Anyone got a simple formula I can stick to thatll drive her crazy..humping my leg in a few days or so?


----------



## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

Marriedguy, 

I wish I had a magic, quick formula for you. But you hit the nail on the head and summarized much of what I wrote in one simple phrase - make HER work for you. Draw back some, and see if she makes any effort to pull toward you. Right now, she's withholding sex (or at least passion and effort in it), and she doesn't have to do any work because you're still doting all over her in spite of her non-responsiveness. MAKE HER WORK FOR YOU. You do that by all the things I mentioned and more. You could probably think of other things, too. I will emphasize that as you do this, don't make your end-goal to be her responsive or new passion. That may happen as a by-product of what you do. MAKE THE GOAL ONLY ABOUT YOU. YOU are becoming a better man, more confident, more at peace. That is why you do the self-improvement (or change); take up a new hobby; have some outside-the-home interests that do not involve your wife, like bowling, fishing, etc. Make yourself a little scarce. Let's see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I know it seems silly to some to have to resort to what seems like games in order to get a response from a grown person you love, but what you are doing isn't really playing a game, its what experts might call "resetting the frame" so that your wife can re-evaluate the real man you are and cause her to look at you with a fresh set of eyes, so to speak. Dislodge her from her complacency. The thing is, again, the GOAL isn't about her, it's about you. You becoming less dependent upon another person to make your life meaningful or happy. It doesn't mean you love her less, but she is not your whole universe, up on a pedestal. You have to "teach" others how to treat you; you should not reward her for "bad" behavior such as jokes that insult your masculinity, or such as her sexual coolness. I would not initiate sex indefinitely; see how long it goes before SHE initiates it or starts to wonder what's going on. Don't be surprised if one day, after all this, maybe weeks later, she sits you down and has a concerned, "tell me what's wrong - am I losing you?" conversation with you when she finally sees the light.

I don't believe in making anyone worry or suffer, but consider this tough-love. Right now, she is getting all the cuddling and the best of sex afterglow without the sex. You are feeling crappy because you are meeting all her needs (romance, household support) while getting little-to-none of yours met (sex and passion - feeling wanted and desired). Have the attitude that YOU don't have to beg for sex from anyone. You are a Marine, and man who knows how to survive, you have masculinity in droves, and any singe woman in her right mind would be thrilled to have a real man like you. That's the attitude you have to have. If she doesn't see it, well then that's her "too bad" because she's really missing a lot that she could get if she would just be willing. It's her loss. We guys tend to put women on a pedestal; it's okay to comfort her through her PMS and put up will crap, but we're supposed to fall all over them and then thank our lucky stars when lo and behold, once a month they feel like giving us physical passion. After all, it's like we're so lucky to be in the same room with them, we're just star-struck and they hold all the cards. Really, you as the man are the prize. Do some of what are called self-affirmations (sayings to yourself); and say them like you mean them. If you do it for a couple of weeks, you will start to believe them. Thinks like "I am the prize," "I am a desirable man" I have all it takes to make a woman happy." You probably believe all that anyway, but the lack of sexual enthusiasm from your wife has made it come into doubt, probably. You're human. But you are also THE MAN. Now repeat that last sentence. Again, this isn't some mind game, it is all about changing your perspective and seeing things as they really are; after all, you are a man of value. We men are not the lucky scum who get to be with superstar women who are really so far above us but give us their time to amuse themselves. We really are equal to each other; women are of high value, men are of high value (and no less so). And another thing, sex should not be something you get for being a "good boy," like a friggin Scooby Snack. Don't let a woman do that to you. Women, do not let a man do that to you either. Like, you can only get sex if you buy her something or if you do all the laundry just right. What a joke.

David


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Another thought based on one of your posts is that it's likely she may never be that passionate initiator. My H is like that. He's quite content to let me do it. It's frustrating as all heck sometimes but it is what it is. It seems he'll happily have sex if I initiate but isn't going to passionately recriprocate. I'm working to come to some level of acceptance with that and thinking okay so what does it matter who started it as long as it happens. kwim?

Oh and if I pull back he can outlast me so that doesn't work. He will initiate more now yes but not with passion like what you are wanting. I have to do that.


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

SA suggested a book in another thread that I picked up the other day. It's pretty good, really, and goes into the different kinds of drives that spouses have and the disconnect that occurs when one spouse has one drive(say, erotic) and the other spouse has a completely different drive(detached, or uninterested). It may be worth the trouble to read and see if it helps you understand your spouse better. I know a light bulb went on in my head when I started reading it and I recognized how different my husband's and my sex drives are. It also walks you through how to reconcile your different sex drives and how to adjust your expectations of your spouse and communicate about sex better with them, based on their type of drive.

It's not particularly deep or anything, but it's a good and easy read and informative. Cheap book, too.

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

dbj1971 said:


> *I, too, don't think it was right to come down on this guy. He came here looking for help. Is it wanting to be entertained, to have your wife want to make love to you more than once a month? People say guys have a one-track mind. I think what it really is is that when we really love a woman and are attracted to her, we want to experience her on many deep and intimate levels, including sex. We are very passionate creatures. When we are denied the opportunity to express this and experience the woman in this way, something is missing. Over time, it starts to naw at your insides. When we are focused on making love to you, we are focused on nothing but that. We are capable of tuning out all the other stuff and just concentrating on you. Meanwhile, while we have this romantic night all planned, if the slightest thing goes wrong or the stars all don't align just right, a woman's mood can go icy and then all our night is shot to hell. * I think it is ironic and sad that a married couple is supposed to close and in love, yet makes love less than teenagers do or people who are messing around. It's like a good and loving man like the this man (original poster to this thread) gets crapped on for all his efforts.
> To the poster, as hard as it may be to do, my advice is to act like you have a happy life of your own, and don't "need" your wife. Withdraw a bit; don't be mean or hateful, just withdraw some of the nicey-nice things you may be doing. Back off the affection. The idea is to not reward her for her behavior. The way it is now, she's getting the best of both worlds; she's not having to put forth any effort to get meet your needs, and she is still getting a faithful man who does all the housework and probably rubs her feet at the end of the day, buys flowers, and other "romantic" things. I'm saying to bring all that to a trickle, if not halt altogether. Don't become a slob, just leave something for her to do, and don't do it for her if she doesn't do it - just leave it until kingdom come if she doesn't do it. Meanwhile, start a self-improvement program - not because you are "messed up," but to make yourself feel better and to also divert some of your energy and frustration into something positive. Exercise more, get a new haircut or style, grow a goatee, buy some new clothes (clothes are expensive but you could find a thrift store and no one would be able to tell the difference - trust me; they have clothes that others will think you bought new). Buy a new cologne. Be a fun person to be around; I recommend reading books like "The Superior Man" by David Deida and "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." by Wayne Levine for starters. They are two of the best books any man could read, and you can find them pretty cheap on Amazon.
> Meanwhile, while this sudden change has come over you, and your wife sees you pulling back, she may begin to wonder and feel you subtly slipping away. She may even start to wonder if you're interested in someone else. She might just get a reality shock that makes her "dust off the uniform and get back in the game," sexually speaking, with you like she should all along. If she responds favorably, keep doing what your doing but give more affection back as she responds in kind. Even if she becomes highly sexual with you consistently, don't abandon your new-found aura and "style" and go back to your old ways. Keep a bit of mystery about you. Don't come across as need-clingy to her. The idea is to convey to her (but DO NOT VERBALIZE ANY OF THIS - JUST DO IT AND BE THE MAN) that you don't absolutely need her, but you are a valuable man with something to give and if she wants to act like a real wife, and quit all the "gay" jokes and other bullsh**, then you will be happy to be all the man she could ever handle. You are the prize, and you have a gift to give her if she gets beyond her ignorance or nonchalance to give you the chance.
> If you do all this, and she still doesn't change at all, within, say, a couple of months, chances are she won't change. Some people won't change no matter what you do; hopefully, that won't be the case. Then, you have to decide whether you want to stay in a sexless marriage or not, because that's what you'd have.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Who cares if people criticize you? They obviously don't understand the importance of sex in marriage.
I too am a very passionate creature!:smthumbup: If my husband was a once a month guy, we would never have married or stayed together.

Sex isn't everything, but its near the the top of priorities for those who have high sex drives.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

> SA suggested a book in another thread that I picked up the other day. It's pretty good, really, and goes into the different kinds of drives that spouses have and the disconnect that occurs when one spouse has one drive(say, erotic) and the other spouse has a completely different drive(detached, or uninterested). It may be worth the trouble to read and see if it helps you understand your spouse better. I know a light bulb went on in my head when I started reading it and I recognized how different my husband's and my sex drives are. It also walks you through how to reconcile your different sex drives and how to adjust your expectations of your spouse and communicate about sex better with them, based on their type of drive.
> 
> It's not particularly deep or anything, but it's a good and easy read and informative. Cheap book, too.


MG so what type is your H? I read the reviews and immediately knew which one my H is. He's reactive and duh sure wish I would know that years ago. Here is my H, bolding mine. 

_Individuals with a Reactive libido get most satisfaction from pleasing their lover during sex. Either the Reactive lover has *low sexual needs* but gains genuine pleasure from keeping his partner happy, or he *needs to see his partner aroused in order to become aroused himself.*_


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> MG so what type is your H? I read the reviews and immediately knew which one my H is. He's reactive and duh sure wish I would know that years ago. Here is my H, bolding mine.
> 
> _Individuals with a Reactive libido get most satisfaction from pleasing their lover during sex. Either the Reactive lover has *low sexual needs* but gains genuine pleasure from keeping his partner happy, or he *needs to see his partner aroused in order to become aroused himself.*_


I'm not really sure what he is...haven't quite figured him out yet. I know he's somewhat reactive, but I don't think that's his driving force. I could be wrong. 

BTW, people can fit into multiple categories of drives. I'm pretty sure I fit into at least 2. And you do have to be flexible, because I definitely don't fit "perfectly" into any one category, I'm a combo of Erotic and Stressed.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I'm not really sure what he is...haven't quite figured him out yet. I know he's somewhat reactive, but I don't think that's his driving force. I could be wrong.
> 
> BTW, people can fit into multiple categories of drives. I'm pretty sure I fit into at least 2. And you do have to be flexible, because I definitely don't fit "perfectly" into any one category, I'm a combo of Erotic and Stressed.


True I just read the descriptions again and he's probably a combo of sensual and reactive. All about me being happy, me being aroused, me being loving, before he wants to have sex.

I'm probably a little bit erotic but mostly dependent. Very dependent. Wow I had no idea there was a name for how I feel about sex. Is this a bad thing? Although it's not always triggered by bad feelings just a tonic for everyday life really. It cures everything that ails me. LOL!! 

_The Dependent libido type needs sex to cope with daily life. Typically the Dependent lover has used masturbation in the teenage years to cope with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety. As an adult this dependence to cope with negative feelings continues, but the Dependent lover may not recognize this and interpret the partner’s unwillingness to go along with sex whenever he needs it as lack of love and caring._


----------



## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

This thread is like my life story. Why do people of different Sex drives find each other? I feel hurt and find myself resenting her for not wanting sex. I feel like she is rejecting me! Good luck fellow High Sex drive friends. Personally I just feel lost and throwing in the towel.


----------



## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

Nope. She's beautiful, funny, a great mom & lots of fun. I would be screwing up EVERYTHING if I made such a dumb move (but I DO wish she craved & enjoyed sex as much I do).


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Thanks David for your posts..its really got me thinking..now heres a funny story of tonight...

Last night..my wife was real tired..we were on the couch..she was laying on my lap and she gave me a look..the look usually means something like -I know what you want but I just cant give it to you tonight-
So whatever..I didnt react...just kept being me..enjoying cuddling with her..watching TV on the couch after a long day at work...she was getting so tired..I told her, baby its time to go to bed for you..I will join you soon..she told me that she would make it up to me...
I was sitting there, thinkng..wow..she hasnt been this way to me in over a year..maybe once a year since we have been married will she hint at giving me a blowjob..
So with that in mind, I kept doing my own thing..and today..been nice to her all day..been affectionate to her..not complaining to her about lack of sex (have only had sex once in the last two weeks)...I think about it..but Ive pretty much accepted that its gonna suck that she wont initiate often..
Then..tonight..out of no where she asks me how Im feeling..if she can go down on me and see something...and she slid her way down to her knees and gave me one of the best BJs I have ever had..

After she just wanted to cuddle with me...which is fine by me..I would prefer to go down on her..have some good sex for the next hour or so (a bj is only one orgasm..I usually like to have at least three or four orgasms)..but she is tired once again so I massaged her to sleep..now here I am..
Whats next...I really wanna make love to my wife tomorrow..but I also need to remember that I want her initiating more..I know not all problems are fixed because this has happened a few times before..and it probably will be another year before it happens again..hopefully I am wrong..


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MG I read the your previous post and I'd like to retract my previous post because I did not have all of the info. You have gone through years of frustration and you are a obviously a loving good man. I don't think you are looking for entertainment, that's obvious.

Your wife reminds me of myself when I first got married. I was 21 yo and had a strict religious background. 

i have matured sexually over the 9 yrs of our marriage mostly because my husband was patient and never showed frustration and angry with me. He is dominant and in control of himself, I'm submissive and emotional. 

I think your wife would respond well to a more controlled, in charge personality from you. Not bossing her around or being aggressive, but calmly in charge and in control of your life type of man. If she grew up in Mexico, she is accustomed to men being in charge. My culture is also male dominated. 

Try hard not to complain to your wife about sex and talk about it all the time, you give he no space to desire you. She thinks that is all you think about and thats all you want from her. 

You two don't do enough varied activity together. Decide to do a new activity, let her know that you want to do it with her and set it up and go. Also, take time to pursue a hobby your self some that she can see. The gym is not it. Something like car repair, carpentry. An activity that shows tangible skill. 

Do you like your work? Do you have a life plan that you are pesuing? Do you have a plan for job advancement? I think you mentioned in a previous post that you told her that t=you were going to college but you did not go. In her culture, higer education adds stature to a man since so few are able to attain it. 

When you changed you plan about going to college it was a big blow to her idea of you and you may heve come down a peg in her eyes. Get a plan for sucess and ecomonic advancement and make that your mission to suceed. A man with a plan and the command is very sexually attractive. 

Instead of talking about sex, talk about your plans for the family and how you are going to get there.Talk about your priorities, and attitude. The goal is to ask her and yourself to make each other a priority and respect each other. If she starts crying, tell her that not what you expect when you communicate with her. Then ask her to come to you to finish the conversation when she is finished crying. 

Be clear about what you are going to do and what you want from her. in the issues you discuss make it just one or two and when things improve then make more changes. Discuss changes that you will make in yourself to make the relationship better. Ask what she wants of you. 

I think you are spending to much unformed time with her. Sitting around rubbing her back and feet send the wrong message makes you seem like a massage therapist. 

You must learn her culture to know her better. You are giving her what you want not what she needs. Find out about the Mexican culture and the way men are, that is her model of men. 

When you touch her, do it in a protective way. When you cross the street or taking her hand in a crowd so you don't lose each other. Tell her that you want to walk with her 3 times a week instead of sitting around with you thinking of sex. Otherwise don't spend a lot of time just sitting around paying attention to her. Read or engage in a hobby. 

Sorry for the first post I hope you find this more helpful. It will take time to turn things around but slow and steady for lasting change. Do you think these are things that you can do?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> MG I read the your previous post and I'd like to retract my previous post because I did not have all of the info. You have gone through years of frustration and you are a obviously a loving good man.


The one thing I really like about you Catherine is that you force people like me to see the other side of the sex debate. I like to think of it as which came first the chicken or the egg. If I'm the higher drive (which I am) and am getting not enough sex I should consider the possibility that I'm not meeting my H's needs which is why my needs aren't being met. And I think that's what you were trying to get through to the the OP right?

The thing that I'd like you to realize that those of us that want more sex usually will do ANYTHING to get it we just need/want to know what that is. Most of us aren't bad people or horrible spouses we just want more lovin that's all. And many times we are so much in love with our spouses that we feel frustrated when we can't share that love through sex. We can't imagine not wanting to have sex. Does not compute.

I've got a girlfriend who claims to hate sex. But it's not true because I've seen her love it in one circumstance...when her H meets her needs. It's when he morphs back into being grumpy (which is all too frequent) that she gets turned off. So many times I've wanted to call him up and say you dumb ass do you realize what you've got? She's a beautful, tiny woman who is game for just about anything sexually just to make him happy but that's the key she wants him to be happy more than just when he thinks he's going to get some. On days when he assumes he isn't going to get laid he pouts. That's not attractive and she hates it. He has no clue. His moodiness is a turn off.

This is just one example but it proves that this is more complicated than just one spouse wanting sex more than the other one.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Original question>>> "Ever thought of hooking up with another person that craves more sex in marriage? " 

MY answer: If I was in a marraige where my husband did not desire me , and was HO hum about sex, didn't care, never initiated, Yes, I believe I would. 

The temptation would be VERY great. Just being honest. I don't believe I could remain in such a marraige unless some real sexual changes came about, I would be too miserable and it would affect many aspects of my life. It simply is a weakness for some of us. I can withstand many things in my marraige, but this aint one of them I would put up with.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Original question>>> "Ever thought of hooking up with another person that craves more sex in marriage? "
> 
> MY answer: If I was in a marraige where my husband did not desire me , and was HO hum about sex, didn't care, never initiated, Yes, I believe I would.
> 
> The temptation would be VERY great. Just being honest. I don't believe I could remain in such a marraige unless some real sexual changes came about, I would be too miserable and it would affect many aspects of my life. It simply is a weakness for some of us. I can withstand many things in my marraige, but this aint one of them I would put up with.


SA I agree with you. In fact 8 months ago I was plotting my exit out of this marriage but decided to give it one last effort hence how I ended up here. Figured I'd better do it while I still looked good enough to meet someone new.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Original question>>> "Ever thought of hooking up with another person that craves more sex in marriage? "
> 
> MY answer: If I was in a marraige where my husband did not desire me , and was HO hum about sex, didn't care, never initiated, Yes, I believe I would.
> 
> The temptation would be VERY great. Just being honest. I don't believe I could remain in such a marraige unless some real sexual changes came about, I would be too miserable and it would affect many aspects of my life. It simply is a weakness for some of us. I can withstand many things in my marraige, but this aint one of them I would put up with.


:iagree: I would try not to cheat and leave eventually.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Magnolia - reading so many post from high drive men and women has been an eye opener for me. I am married to a high drive man and I really never understood how relentless the assault on the senses are. 

Before reading threads from high drive people, I just thought that control of sexual desire is like dieting, resist the desire to eat or resist the desire to have sex, simple, right. Except eating is not under positive control like sex, there is no hormone pushing us to eat. 

I don't know what it feels to have a high drive. Reading MG posts starting from when he was 23 yo and full of hope with his new wife until now trying to figure things out, gives me a tiny look. 

MG it was hard reading your post from then till now. As a LD person, I can understand your wife and a bit of what she feels. But from reading many post from HD people, I think I am beginning to understand them but, only just. 

HD people feel the hormonal pressure directly; LD people feel it indirectly and don't understand it. LD people feel it as pressure, and inadequacy, and fear that they will never be able to make the other happy. 

That's why I suggested limiting talking about sex directly rather, talk about anything that shows your command and control of some part of your universe - success at work, a hobby or a plan that you are executing. Like a pea**** showing his colorful feathers.

Instead of making her feel inadequate, you demonstrate your attractiveness as a man by being successful and letting her know that you could have many woman but, she is the one you chose.

I cant tell you exactly how to control your image to your wife, the men can help you with that. .


----------



## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Tempted6119 said:


> When our kids were young and I was busy raising them, doing housework and sometimes working outside the home, I was too tired to even care about sex and many times he wanted it and I said no. He's told me I've conditioned him to want it less from those years of not having it as much. But when I see other men who've been told no for years, it seems as if they want it just as much.
> I think one of the reasons I want it so much now is hormones.


I have been conditioned to not want my wife in a sexual way. That doesn't mean I'm dead and don't have a desire for sex.

To the OP... no, you're not alone in this thought. Our higher morals keep us from acting on this thought though... at least most of us.


----------



## CktBridge (Jan 11, 2011)

My wife decided that after having kids our sex life ended. I was younger and stupider when I met her but I decided to stay around for many reasons(primarily the kids.) Initially tried many many routes(and several years) to fix this. I am now just friendly with my wife. We do things as a family but not alone anymore. She even admitted that she only wanted me around to feel secure.

I have never hidden from her that when the kids go to college I will leave. The funny thing is in the last year she has made some generic attempts to convince me that she would change back to the way she was prior to marriage. 



anon_4_now said:


> I have been conditioned to not want my wife in a sexual way. That doesn't mean I'm dead and don't have a desire for sex.


 I would have to admit that after 13 years of not having sex with her I have been conditioned to not want her in a sexual way no matter what was offered. As quoted above I am not dead and still desire sex. My kids are my first priority so I have to turn down most of the offers I get from other women. 





marriedguy said:


> Just saying..I cant be the only person who has every thought of this..but yet I keep myself away from Live Internet Webcam girls..prostitutes..
> 
> Why?
> 
> Maybe because I have absolutely nothing in common with those girls..at least not from what I know of..somebody who is struggling with the same lack of passion..sex..in theyre marriage would already understand me better in this area than my own wife...





marriedguy said:


> But its also left me frustrated sometimes because I know there are Women out there who crave sex just as much as I do..or even more..makes me wonder why it is that I married someone with such a low sex drive...
> But I guess once you get to know a person real good like a spouse there will always be something missing that you crave...


 I do understand your how you feel about finding someone who understands. The only women I have been willing to have relationships with are divorced/single high drive types(My wife understood that I would not wait around after the first couple of years even though I preferred only her before that). They also have to completely understand my situation and my limitations.

Your situation seems much better then mine as your wife is making some effort so I would keep seeing if you make any progress with the advice you have been getting from here.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Before reading threads from high drive people, I just thought that control of sexual desire is like dieting, resist the desire to eat or resist the desire to have sex, simple, right. Except eating is not under positive control like sex, there is no hormone pushing us to eat.


Catherine there have been years when I wished it were this easy. Just stop thinking about and the desire would go away eventually. I sometimes hated my desire because I couldn't stop it or control it. It would be pure torture lying next to my husband wanting to touch and love him but couldn't. It felt like total rejection. I wasn't asking for the moon just good lovemaking at least 3 times a week. Sometimes I think LD people assume if we don't get it daily we aren't happy and that's not always true. I do not have a problem masturbating on the off days but I still need sex with my husband. Every few days is okay with me as long as we've discussed it and I know what the rules are.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

For me, the icing on the cake was finding out my ld wife was really only ld for me. Her libido was focused elsewhere. Makes the deprivation even more insulting.

I was jerking off 5 times for every sexual encounter we had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Yes. I think many many guys (and ladies) have thought about seeking someone that shares the same high sex drive outside their marriage. 

I have absolutely no data to back it up but I think that this is the #1 reason for affairs and sexual relationships outside a marriage. I've always felt that spouses have an obligation to each other to meet each others sexual needs. I know that's very politically incorrect to say but it's true IMHO. The fact is sexual needs are real and genuine and of the highest importance to the individual with the need. It's natural that when a spouse decides (and it is a decision) to not meet those needs adequately over an extended period of time that the other person with the higer sex drive/needs will start to have desires for other people. I think there are some who are stronger then others that have the will to resist it but many can't. As husbands and wives we have the power to either make sure our spouses are sexually satisfied or not. 

I read something a while back that how a husband's sexual desire was a powerful source of influence for a woman in their marriage. That if a wife didn't claim it then someone or something else would. That through sexuality a man and wife have a place in each other's lives that should only belong to the couple. It is what sets our relationship apart from the relationship with every other person in our lives. I know I go through periods where I don't feel much more then roommates.

I think that many men are like me and feel that they don't want to screw up their families with an affair. I can't imagine how incredible and peaceful life would be if I had a relationship with someone who desired sex like I did and desired me like I desired them. I almost can't imagine how happy that would actually make me. But I really don't want to lose my family so I'm not about to go out and seek an extra marital relationship. However, I can easily see how something would happen if I found myself in a position where a woman was hitting on me and there was an opportunity presented to have sex. I honestly don't think I could turn down an opportunity if it was thrown in my face but I'm not about to arrange or seek anything. But I can't say I will be this strong forever. 

I'm with you, Marriedguy. what I've gotten out of this forum is:

1) validation that I am normal. I can't tell you how many times my wife has tried to tell me that my sex drive isn't normal (wanting it a few times a week). It's very comforting to come on here and see that I'm not crazy or abnormal. I think there are high sex drives and low sex drives and everything is normal until it gets into extremes (i.e. never wanting sex or wanting sex so much you would be considered a sex addict).

2) the same frustration with seeing how many women seem to feel what I/we feel and crave sex as much or more then I do. It's made me pissed off many times that I drew the short straw an didn't get a woman my sexual equal.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mike 1 - who wants to be politically correct - you are absolutely RIGHT on. 

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Have Affairs - DivineCaroline


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

wow, crazy to think the top 3 reasons listed there could 100% be pretty much be taken care of by a wife and those affairs would be avoided (unless your sexual variety means different people


----------



## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Yes I have thought about it prior to our reconciliation. Oddly enough the main reason I never did was because I was afraid I could get emotionally attached. I later found out that is exactly why most people DO cheat. Weird huh? :scratchhead:

Additionally I just could never bring myself to mess with another man’s woman. It's a man rule thing.

Regards,

rotor


----------



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

anon_4_now said:


> I have been conditioned to not want my wife in a sexual way. That doesn't mean I'm dead and don't have a desire for sex.
> 
> To the OP... no, you're not alone in this thought. Our higher morals keep us from acting on this thought though... at least most of us.


He's tried to blame his lack of desire on me saying I've conditioned him this way. So what I'm hearing from you is that you've also been "conditioned" but you still have high desire. Is that correct?

My therapist told me not to accept that from him. He's trying to blame me for his problems. The irony of it all is now I want it everyday if I could get it and he's happy with once every 7-10 days. Life sucks sometimes.


----------



## AlanFunke (May 2, 2011)

can't imagine how can this be possible, i guess it is not the sex in marriage that will improve but the thought being able to do it once with others then you know you can do it again and again...


----------



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> MG I read the your previous post and I'd like to retract my previous post because I did not have all of the info. You have gone through years of frustration and you are a obviously a loving good man. I don't think you are looking for entertainment, that's obvious.
> 
> Your wife reminds me of myself when I first got married. I was 21 yo and had a strict religious background.
> 
> ...



Your post makes alot of sense...
Ive been trying to be more like the way you described..ever since Ive gotten married..but its obvious, me and my wife have a HUGE culture barrier..and it is very frustrating at times..

Thing is, I am pretty happy with my job, and love going to the gym..and just training in general...but my wife thinks very little of it..I get more compliments from other people in one week than Ive gotten in over three years of marriage from my wife...its not like I am wanting to be complimented all the time..but other people see me and encourage me to be a personal trainer..or to persue my dreams..my wife thinks my dreams are none sense..I think it is mostly because of her culture..and thats why even if I made a **** load more money doing what I love..she still wouldnt be proud of it..just because she doesnt like it...at first it really bothered me..still does, but now I just keep comparing her to my mom..its like I married a younger version of my mom...(I love my mom..but I think you get the point)..

The sad thing is..I dont think it will ever change..you cant change somebodys cultural standards and beliefs..Paul from the bible warned people to not get married outside of ones own culture..I didnt listen..he wrote that it would be a more difficult marriage..and he was right..

There are many things I absolutely love about my wife and her culture..it just sucks that sex is the part that her culture doesnt agree with mine...

But, like you say, I should really focus on other things, at least not talk about sex all the time..
I try, but again..today after a few drinks I began lecturing to my wife about how shes not giving me any sex..and how she doesnt care for it, etc..
I cant stand myself when I do that...just cant control it..makes me feel like ****...its not me..I have never been that way about anything to anybody till I met my wife..gotta make it work somehow..


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I have a question - does anyone know if sex-starved marriages are increasing in frequency? If it is a fairly recent develpoement then the problem is not local in the marriages themselves but a systemic type effect.


Catherine,


I don't have an official statistics or position but apparently the Catholic Church has come out saying that married people aren't having enough sex and it's becoming problematic.

I am sure there are a lot of one-liners about how when the ring goes on, the sex stops but apparently this is a serious problem. They aren't sure if it's the obesity (gluttony) or lack of exercise (sloth) or us being a slave to the American Dream (greed) what is the cause but it has become a systemic problem in marriage.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

David has given some excellent advice in this thread.

Last year I noticed my wife losing her interest in sex.
I think I was successful in helping her get her drive back because I caught it quickly and made a positive effort to fix it.

I started making myself less available.
I stopped doing or did less all the little things she had come to take for granted, flowers, bringing her home her favorite foods, love notes, taking care of her car, and such things.
In areas I was slacking that she normally dealt with I picked up the slack. Taking care of the kids, laundry, housecleaning.
All the things she usually did for me I did for myself before she could get them done.

I got a new hair cut ( Had long eighties style hair she loved, got it cut short in a contemporary style) this bothered her.
Got some new clothes.
Stopped coming home right after work every day like I always had.
Instead I`d go to the gym (New membership) 4 days a week and the beach 3 days a week for an hour or two after work.
Lost 20 lbs, got a tan (Yeah yeah melanoma I know I know).
I stopped alot of the physical touching throughout the day.
I stopped the uninitiated "I love you`s" "your so beautiful. sexy, hot" comments throughout the days. 

Here`s the big one...

I stopped initiating sex all together, I rejected her a few times when she initiated.
Niether of us had ever rejected the advances of the other in our ten years of marriage.
I stopped making her pleasure my priority in bed.
Never before had I ended a sexual encounter until I knew she was satisfied until I did this 180.
I would get off and I was done, I became what women all complain about in their men.
This seriously bothered her.

Now understand this last part was nearly impossible to accomplish as I adore my wife, I cannot even look at her without some level of lust entering my body.
God forbid she kisses me, because I become a malleable mound of putty in her hands.
To deny her sex was an exercise in self control that was nearly impossible and made me feel bad.
To have sex with her then roll off of her knowing she was now frustrated actually hurt me emotionally.
To be frank the only way I was able to deny her was to lower my own libido around her through daily masturbation.

All this didn`t fix the problem but it brought it to a head.
It made her finally realize and admit that there was a problem.
Once it was out and we were discussing it we were able to actually work on it.
We discovered there were some physical problems and some emotional/communication problems that we are now actively fixing.
Our sex life is back to what it was (fantastic), and we`re communicating our emotional needs on a daily basis.
It`s actually very fun to go through this with her now.
It`s like we`ve just begun again and I can`t think of anything better than that.

It`s so hard to do but so very worth it in the end.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gemini1726 said:


> Can anyone offer me any words of wosdom here? After reading many many posts of people who are suffering in different situations I know I can't be alone in this.


Gemini,

Your husband sounds like an addict.
He knows he`s getting more than the norm and still complains.

Could be en emotional problem, insecurity, abandonment, I don`t know.

You should start a thread about your problem so people could talk about it.
It does seem pretty unique and might garner a lot of interest.

I`d have some questions/comments in it for sure.


----------



## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

i love my husband more than anything but sometimes i think it would be easier if i found someone with a high sex drive like myself. all the rejection and excuses are taking its toll on me and sex is the biggest problem in my marriage.


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Gemini,
> 
> Your husband sounds like an addict.
> 
> You should start a thread about your problem so people could talk about it.


I second this.


----------



## bigdaddy41 (Jun 17, 2010)

I have considered it, but my wife has me believeing that if she doesn't want to have sex with me then why would anyone else. I don't think I am a bad looking guy, in fact I use to do okay with the ladies. It just that its been such a long time and I am not the young man I use to be. My confidence is shot. I feel like I am just not desired by anyone, must of all my wife. So yes if I thought someone else wanted me I must definitely would go for it. Married or not! Sick of being neglected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

