# Flirtatious Spouse



## happyhubby2 (Mar 25, 2011)

Hello, 

My spouse is a little on the flirtatious side. The real problem is more with other people though. She is very engaging and approachable. Most other men's idea of a perfect woman. The problem is she allows them to cross the line way too much. It takes her a long time until she realizes that it is going in an inappropriate direction. Is it wrong for me to be upset with that? I mean she might be ok with someone talking to her like that but I sure am not. She rarely says anything I would consider inappropriate, it's more of her actions (or lack there of) that make me upset.

Most of this is all via email or online with only one person and it usually lasts for several months. Often until I get so mad that I intervene. Then things calm down for 6 months or so and it starts all over again. 

What am I to do?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't believe she doesn't know it's wrong. She wants the attention and flirts with them, it boosts her ego and one day she will go too far.

You need to put your foot down and tell her no more "friendly' messages between her and other men. clearly she can't set boundaries and you need to trust she is doing the right thing so that means no more.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your W needs counseling, she is addicted to the attention that other men are giving her. She probably doesn't really want to hurt you, but, like drug addicts, she is valuing the high more than the people who care about her. It's like the cartoons where the character has a dilemma, and the angel and devil appear on her shoulder. The angel is saying: "You shouldn't do this, it may go too far and destroy your marriage." But the devil is on the other shoulder, saying: "Go ahead, it's harmless fun, and you've gotten away with it before." Problem is, you don't want that devil eventually have to say to her: "Go ahead, sleep with him. Your H will NEVER find out."
Other than this, any other problems in your M? If she's talking with men about these, they will see this as a "cry for rescue", and try to move in on her. Have you seriously talked to her about this, and if you have, does she give you the old "you're too insecure", "too controlling", "he's just a friend" type retorts?
Does she do anything else to make you suspicious? Lots of "girls' night outs", where she comes home at 4 a.m., or not at all? Does she guard her cell phone like the crown jewels? Do you come upon her at the computer, and she hurriedly closes windows?
If so, then I hate to say it, but there is much, much more to this than "harmless flirting".


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

How does the on-line flirting get started in the first place? Are these complete strangers? Where does she make the connection anyway?


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## happyhubby2 (Mar 25, 2011)

f-102...The guys definitely see it as a "cry for rescue". I have seriously talked with her about this stuff. She knows where I stand (I'm uncomfortable with it). She has given me the "too insecure", "he's just a friend" retorts but never anything about controlling. No girls nights out or having to leave unexpectedly. No coming home at 4am. She does not guard her cell phone. Yes she closes her FB when I come into the room some times. 

There is much more to this than the flirting i am afraid... but it has to deal with the other guy. He is head over heals in love with her and has more or less told her. Just the other day he wrote to her saying how he realized all her messages/emails to him were tellling him that she really likes him...and she wrote back and was like..."ah listen, i am just flirting to flirt, i am flirty by nature...BUT I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU AS YOU DO TO ME?

827Aug- These are not complete strangers, what happens is she works with nerdy guys and she herself is a very attractive woman so naturally they are attracted. The connection is just from her personality. She is most guys idea of a perfect woman, and these guys latch onto her and start talking innapropriately and she lets it go on for awhile. 

I am very concerned about this guy. He is starting to freak me out a bit. From what I have read from her she is not out of line that often (no more than a normal person). She is having to tell him more and more that nothing is going to happen with them and she doesn't like him the way he likes her. And yet she still wants to be friends with this guy?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you know his phone number?

Do you know his address?

What are you waiting for?


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## happyhubby2 (Mar 25, 2011)

We are in counseling actually. She has some issues I know(depression, suicide attempt, family troubles). Her low was 2 years ago. She is much better after seeking out help. 

I have put my foot down, so to speak, and nothing happens. She still insists that this is all harmless and I needn't worry. SHE HAS IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. I have thought of doing something drastic(like leaving), I just don't know anymore. It's hard to leave when she really isn't saying anything bad, it's other people that's the problem and her inability to SET BOUNDARIES. 

This guy is rather large and I am afraid he might do something to her and she won't be able to defend herself (it's actually getting to that in my mind). He seems to be getting a little creepy.


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## happyhubby2 (Mar 25, 2011)

I do. I have talked with him via text. Thing of it is...I can't say exactly what I know because I was supposed to have stopped reading what they talk about.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

happyhubby2 said:


> I do. I have talked with him via text. Thing of it is...I can't say exactly what I know because I was supposed to have stopped reading what they talk about.


No more texts.

Call him on the phone or go over there.

Tell him how it is and if he continues, you'll out him to his wife.

ALSO - not a word to your wife, or his wife gets a transcript.

If he's not married? Out him to his boss - since they work together.


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## marky (Mar 27, 2011)

Flirting is, at its most basic, a way to communicate love in a marriage. There is an art to flirting, and it's an art that can be learned.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

But she's communicating OUTSIDE of the marriage.


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## happyhubby2 (Mar 25, 2011)

Agreed, it's outside the marriage. She should be expending that effort on me instead of another. She also needs to be setting stronger boundaries. But every time I bring anything about this up she gets upset and says that I am focusing too much on what she needs to be doing and not enough on us. I should be focusing on what I can do to better the marriage etc...WTF? Her behavior, in my mind, is related to the overall health of the marriage. I want to see progress on her part (i've already made great strides on my issues). Why does she insist on talking with this guy after he has clearly shown SO MUCH INTEREST in her? She says she has to keep him in check, not often but regularly. Why would she want to be friends with someone like that? Oh and she says they're not friends, just friends at work. But they talk on the weekend through FB all the time? 

The guy is not married. But showing his boss the emails would definitely work. My wife and I were talking a little about that last night. I told her, "if his boss were to find out what he is saying...he would probably loose his job." I wasn't alluding to me blackmailing him or anything. I was just describing the severity of the conversations.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Call him up.

Make his day.



happyhubby2 said:


> Agreed, it's outside the marriage. She should be expending that effort on me instead of another. She also needs to be setting stronger boundaries. But every time I bring anything about this up she gets upset and says that I am focusing too much on what she needs to be doing and not enough on us. I should be focusing on what I can do to better the marriage etc...WTF? Her behavior, in my mind, is related to the overall health of the marriage. I want to see progress on her part (i've already made great strides on my issues). Why does she insist on talking with this guy after he has clearly shown SO MUCH INTEREST in her? She says she has to keep him in check, not often but regularly. Why would she want to be friends with someone like that? Oh and she says they're not friends, just friends at work. But they talk on the weekend through FB all the time?
> 
> The guy is not married. But showing his boss the emails would definitely work. My wife and I were talking a little about that last night. I told her, "if his boss were to find out what he is saying...he would probably loose his job." I wasn't alluding to me blackmailing him or anything. I was just describing the severity of the conversations.


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## Etherial (Mar 31, 2011)

Really, Conrad? Even if you're kidding, but he's that upset to track this person down and commit a battery, is that going to make his life better or worse? Hell, he can clobber this guy till the buffalo rotate, they'll be another right behind him. It's like living in an area where raccoons come into your yard, you have a trap, trap several, but no one else in the neighborhood or city has any traps. Guess what, you'll be trapping forever.

I say, leave her assets behind! Go find someone who doesn't cheat. I don't care if it is on the internet, flirting with someone else besides your spouse should be a deal breaker.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

happyhubby2 said:


> I do. I have talked with him via text. Thing of it is...I can't say exactly what I know because I was supposed to have stopped reading what they talk about.


Trust me sir this right here is a major red flag. She is now at the very least beyond thinking of just flirting online. She is feeling you invaed her priacy when she is living a life with secrecey. Guy online is officialy an OM. Don't delude yourself into believing otherwise. My wife before we got to the point we are at now was much like yours. For where we are at now read 9 years and no longer in love with me on the Going thrugh divorce forum.

I suggest reading 5 love languages by chapman as chances are you are not fullfilling her.Way of the superior man gets thrown around here a lot as well for men going through what I and now you and many others are going through in here. The cheater very rarley owns up to it. Our local Jellybean is one of the few that have. Most cheaters instead rely on painting you as the bad guy.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

I feel so sorry for you. You have a wife that simply just does not understand boundaries, and because of this she has (and will) attract other men who share similar weaknesses. My wife and I are completely transparent when it comes to communications with others. We have one email address and our work email addresses are shared on our computer. My wife is very attractive as well, and she is very conscious about the messages she sends men through idle conversation. We have several practices that we use to ensure that neither of us get caught up into something that becomes flirtatious.
We do not chat, email, or communicate socially online with members of the opposite sex for any reason. We do not meet with members of the opposite sex alone...even for business. We always wear our wedding rings. We do not share personal information or marriage details with others. We are not on Facebook. We do not respond to casual efforts made by members of the opposite sex to spontaneously engage us in conversation. 

We have other boundaries, but what it all comes down to is this: we love, cherish and respect each other enough to know that we do not want to send messages that could be misinterpreted by others who may find us attractive. Our relationship is Holy and Sacred to us. No one has the right to become intimate, in any way, with either of us. It is no surprise that she and I do not have to waste much of our precious time together discussing boundary issues and "other men." I am sad for you. My wish is that your wife understands your feelings and begins to change.


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