# How long does the pain last?



## Lost30 (May 13, 2011)

I'm going on three weeks of barely eating, barely sleeping, barely able to function? I have never loved anyone like I have this man. Like I said before, a piece of me is missing, and sometimes its hard to breathe. I feel panicky.
I don't know how long I can cope feeling this way. I am questioning going to see my doc. in hopes of a prescription to help calm my nerves. Sometimes I think I'm going to vomit literally. This crap is effecting me this hard.
Any suggestions on how to get over this and how long it usually takes to get over it?

All of us faithful people. Gods got our backs.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Sometimes you just have to white-knuckle it and survive the emotions. The worst of it only lasted about a week for me, and then I was able to eat and sleep again. 

What helped me most, and even now, is just understanding the emotional cycle. If you imagine the emotional cycle to be a perfect circle, then in its first half we are emotional, and in the second half logical. Once an emotion is triggered and we are in its grips, it takes hold of us and we are not "ourselves." All we have to do is make it through that emotional half of the cycle without acting on our urges, no matter how badly we might want to. They key to that is distraction, distraction, distraction! (Think "false motivation becomes real motivation," or "fake it 'til ya make it.") Then in the latter part of that cycle, we calm down and can think logically. That is where we should make plans, commit to change our behavior, etc. 

I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I wish I could just draw it out. But the idea is, once I feel an emotion, I know all I have to do is weather it until I can be logical again, lol. Just that visual has gotten me through many rough times!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I'm still hurting like hell(3 months out). Don't know if I'll ever fully recover.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Sorry- "4 months out."


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## Fenella (Jan 27, 2010)

And I still hurt too - over a year since I found out although never got the full truth at that time just the "only an EA" line. Now its been 3 months since I found out the true nature of everything and how from November-February they were back i n contact again. Some days the pain is overwhelming and I feel so alone and heartbroken, but the tears are getting less. Maybe he has just torn such a chunk from me this time that there is less to heal. My question is apart from dealing with the pain of the affair, how do you get past the thought of DH being sexual with someone else? I find it hard to get intimate with him as images of them together come into my head and I feel so incredibly sad and disgusted with him - does this get any better?


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

I really feel what your saying.. I get it.. going through the same.. meditation and keeping very physically active helps.. i lift wieghts.. box and play soccer.. all that coupled with medititation helps... good luck.. god bless..


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Lost30 said:


> I'm going on three weeks of barely eating, barely sleeping, barely able to function? I have never loved anyone like I have this man. Like I said before, a piece of me is missing, and sometimes its hard to breathe. I feel panicky.
> I don't know how long I can cope feeling this way. I am questioning going to see my doc. in hopes of a prescription to help calm my nerves. Sometimes I think I'm going to vomit literally. This crap is effecting me this hard.
> Any suggestions on how to get over this and how long it usually takes to get over it?
> 
> All of us faithful people. Gods got our backs.


D-day for me was Dec 7, 09. He said it was just a flirtation; a week later it was an accidental happening on a trip out of town. For 10 mos that is how he left it. Just as I was starting to feel good about the future, he "came clean" and told me it was a PA that has lasted for about 8 months. That was in Sept of last year. It started the whole thing over again. It has delayed the R and shaken my trust to the core. It is so important to get the whole truth, so you know what it is you are being asked to forgive, and you don't have to start over again if he's hiding things. I read every book I could get my hands on about Affairs and their causes, and I tried not to obsess( very hard). It's very hard to endure this kind of betrayal, but you will get through it and your marriage has the potential to be stronger and more honest. Most estimates for recovery range from 18 months to three years or more. I wish you the best.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Four months since I found out. I don't hurt as much but I'm still mad as hell.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Lost 30, I am a pharmacist and yes there are prescription medications that can help you in your time of need. Please see your doctor sooner rather than later. The road to recovery can be a long one, but with support, you WILL get there.

All the best


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I'm still hurting like hell(3 months out). Don't know if I'll ever fully recover.


how are you coping?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

The worst for me lasted 1 week. That was the can't sleep and can't eat stage. I'm now 6 months out and it hurts like hell whenever I think about it. I'd say I think about it about about 2-3 hours per day now if you add it all up. Sounds insane but I call that progress.

Sleep is still sketchy. Take a mild OTC sleeping pill every night. Cant imaging calming my mind enough to sleep without it. I average about 4-5 hours sleep per night.

On Welbutrin (probably dosn't help the sleep).

Lifting weights hard enough to live in constant physical pain. Its a nice distraction and I look good. Helping to find a little bit of self confidence again.

Overall after 6 months I feel a heck of a lot better. But I've still got a long way to go. Wife is helping as much as she can. I can tell the guilt still eats her alive. Guess it is a totally different type of pain when you are the cheater. I guess we will be fine....we made it this far.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

4 months out. It is VERY on and off. Some days are just...okay (no good days yet for me) and some days are just awful. I know it will be like this for a while. DW is trying to help, but sometimes she just makes it worse and I Want to just walk out of the house.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

The first two months after he came clean were absolute hell. I fought for our marriage, and it felt like against a rip current while being sucked out to sea. I eventually gave up, and said I wanted a divorce. A part of me quite literally stopped existing in the moment I accepted defeat in my marriage. Accepting that it was never going to be alright, in a way, helped get through the rest of it. I'm 14 months down the line and for the most part it's alright, although I still have those moments when sits up at home going through his emails that he couldn't attend to while in the office, or when his cell phone is on the kitchen counter, tauntint me, that I feel angry. I was never a jealous or suspicious person, which is why I missed all the signs. Now I'm so hyper sensitive to an sms, who he has coffee with, even though I know the people and consider them friends... I hate how I've allowed it to change me, but then it's a case of survival, and wanting to avoid the same situation again.

I've told him that if he ever does it again, that he mustn't even bother coming home.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

But I should also say that there are days too, where I look at my husband and our boys, how they laugh and give so much love and light to my life, where I catch myself thing that all the pain and heartache of the past year may actually have been worth keeping it all together.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

My d-day was 2/10/10 after a year-long affair. It's been over 16 months since the horrific ending and the pain doesn't consume me like it did in the very beginning but, I still feel it and I still question things and still wonder how and why a person can treat someone with such cruelty after such an intense and personal relationship. 
I don't think you can ever fully get over an affair--it becomes part of your history. Time lessens the intensity of the pain you're experiencing...but it doesn't erase what happened.


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## Weygandt (May 19, 2011)

Lost30, I have been sick to my stomach. For the most part this lasted a week, although my heart stills feels like it is not where it belongs. I have the panic attackes now and then, and until I see my dr or therapist I am taking OTC drugs, especially at night to help me sleep. I think the hard part for me is coping at work because I really have no motivation. I also hope this physical pain does not last, although I can see it going that way.


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

I am 60 days out. Right after D day it took me down to nothing. Went from a fulling over productive adult to nothing. 

An A is a dirt that gets into everything big and small. It pours your insides out, leaving you hollow and alone inside. 

I find 2 months out I can at least perform at my company and do light social stuff. The hardest part is I drive around town and see the places where he works, where they hung out, etc and I have what I call "having a moment."


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am 2 weeks post D day. The first 4-5 days were the worst days of my life. The next 4-5 days were a roller coaster of highs and lows. This was when the no-contact began with my wife's OM. Her complete cut off was such a boost. And right after, I had an email exchange with the OM that was totally therapeutic. It also increased the chances that the no-contact would stick, which so far it still has. But during this time I also had very bad moments and we had some tough talks.

Now ending the third 4-5 day span, the highs and lows are more muted. The lows for me are just mild depression. For her they are a bit worse due to the no-contact, as the OM was her very close friend for 20 years. She says that she can get over the "love" issue, but will have a much harder time losing his friendship. Basically, they were great long-time platonic friends that finally crossed the line 2 months ago. That "line" was expressions of emotional love - it hadn't yet gone physical at all. D day was when I found an email exchange between them where they expressed they wished they could be together, but couldn't due to the "circumstances". 

I feel my pain is directly associated with her no-contact, and how she feels about the no-contact. When she gets down about it, I get down because she cares still. When she is up, I am up. All in all though, we are doing way better after 15 days than I ever thought we would. We are 8 days in of the no-contact.

I think it depends on the couple, the individuals involved, and the nature of the affair. Had my wife gone physical with the OM, I guarantee you I would not be doing as well as I am.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Sometimes you just have to white-knuckle it and survive the emotions. The worst of it only lasted about a week for me, and then I was able to eat and sleep again.
> 
> What helped me most, and even now, is just understanding the emotional cycle. If you imagine the emotional cycle to be a perfect circle, then in its first half we are emotional, and in the second half logical. Once an emotion is triggered and we are in its grips, it takes hold of us and we are not "ourselves." All we have to do is make it through that emotional half of the cycle without acting on our urges, no matter how badly we might want to. They key to that is distraction, distraction, distraction! (Think "false motivation becomes real motivation," or "fake it 'til ya make it.") Then in the latter part of that cycle, we calm down and can think logically. That is where we should make plans, commit to change our behavior, etc.
> 
> I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I wish I could just draw it out. But the idea is, once I feel an emotion, I know all I have to do is weather it until I can be logical again, lol. Just that visual has gotten me through many rough times!


I totally get it. I call it weathering the storm and especially for women, our hormone cycles add another complicated layer. You are absolutely right. 

Who knows how long the pain lasts. It's a bit like grief. It all depends on the individual but keeping busy and trying to smile is the absolute key.


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