# In a strange place..



## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

Some of you may remember my posts a few months ago, about me wife cheating on me, well a lot has happened since then, we are in MC and I have also owned up to my wrongdoings during our 8 years together, things I never thought I would tell anyone. We are working through it all gradually, and rollercoastering still, although the mood 'switch' is getting further apart.
We are constantly up and down, a few days ago she got violent after accusing me of screwing my boss. We are having a lot of sex, and are both learning the reasons why we are who we are, and steps to avoid creating conflict, communicate more and better ourselves.

See the problem here is that I don't really feel like this is a marriage, we are behaving like we did when we first met, which although great for us, is difficult to understand why I'm not so fussed about the time we've spent together 'all the years' kind of thing. It's extremely confusing, and I'm feeling a bit....lost?
We had a rather er interesting night out this weekend, details probably best left off the internet, use your imagination, it'll top that.
Regardless it was extremely good fun, and I/we thoroughly enjoyed it, BUT (in my earlier years) here's where I'd usually be nursing my 3 day hangover, avoiding checking my bank balance, and meticulously dodging calls. Although tremendous fun, I don't think a lot of the stuff we do, is what you would normally do with your wife. We are both very sexual beings, sometimes several times a day when things are smooth. I'm finding it hard to adjust to being this married guy, I do love my wife, very much so, and don't want to not be with her, but the husband - wife dynamic seems to be so shaded over.

I'm very flipping confused.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Some of you may remember my posts a few months ago, about me wife cheating on me, well a lot has happened since then, we are in MC and I have also owned up to my wrongdoings during our 8 years together, things I never thought I would tell anyone. We are working through it all gradually, and rollercoastering still, although the mood 'switch' is getting further apart.
> We are constantly up and down, a few days ago she got violent after accusing me of screwing my boss. We are having a lot of sex, and are both learning the reasons why we are who we are, and steps to avoid creating conflict, communicate more and better ourselves.
> 
> See the problem here is that I don't really feel like this is a marriage, we are behaving like we did when we first met, which although great for us, is difficult to understand why I'm not so fussed about the time we've spent together 'all the years' kind of thing. It's extremely confusing, and I'm feeling a bit....lost?
> ...


MC is good, but IC might be of help for you, too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I kind of feel for you. It really isn't confussing for me and Mrs.the-guy, its just that our old marriage was so unhealthy that our new relationship is so much healthier that the fact is we are completely different poeple then when we were married.

I mean were still married but after her infidelity its different. Our behaviors are different, our lifestyle is different, out relationship is different. I no longer push my wife around and she no longer sleeps around, it helped us alot to work on our selves as individuals, and it all seemed to come together.

We don't even put our marraige rings on, that whole marriage we once had was so crappy it not worth the reminder.




I bet you guys went to a swingers club...IDK and you won't tell but I bet you guy did something down those lines didn't you?


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> I bet you guys went to a swingers club...IDK and you won't tell but I bet you guy did something down those lines didn't you?


There was certainly no blokes involved, put it that way. 




the guy said:


> I kind of feel for you. It really isn't confussing for me and Mrs.the-guy, its just that our old marriage was so unhealthy that our new relationship is so much healthier that the fact is we are completely different poeple then when we were married.
> 
> I mean were still married but after her infidelity its different. Our behaviors are different, our lifestyle is different, out relationship is different. I no longer push my wife around and she no longer sleeps around, it helped us alot to work on our selves as individuals, and it all seemed to come together.
> 
> We don't even put our marraige rings on, that whole marriage we once had was so crappy it not worth the reminder.


Everything has, sorry...is changing, our old marriage was ridiculous, I hated her, and hated myself, we are both struggling a bit with loving each other, and more importantly ourselves. I still feel extremely emasculated, and we are very quick to repeat old patterns of abuse. One small slip, and we both come crashing down at the seams, at which point it's all very 'end of the worldy' and difficult to claw back out. Feeling unloved, and unappreciated, she often comes across as un-remorseful, although I can't answer what it is that I want to be seen as remorse.
We are all over the place at the moment, and what you said about the old marriage being terrible, and accepting this new path, is (I think) where I'm struggling.
Please tell me more....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

geez there is alot to tell. You need to understand each other capcity to do bad things and meet each others needs.

Im our case we are both at a point were it wouldn't take much for either one of us to just bail...sure it sound like our marriage is fragile, but when you both want more then anything to be with each other you stay away from those bad behaviors that would set the other off and there by leaving the marriage.

In my case if I hit her one more time she is gone, just like if she sleeps around one more time I'm gone. Even with this great force in keep us together it really wouldn't be that difficult to leave if these bad behaviors surfaced. I mean we went thru this crap for so long that we are at this point. Again meeting each others need to prevent this unhealthy behavior to resurface.

It really boils down to learnig the tools to prevent these bad behaviors from happening and more importantly under standing why they happen. I'm speeaking here as an individual and the end just is what we will tolorate and what we expect from our selve and with that how we expect to be treated.

For me it was anger managment for Mrs. the-guy it was IC and adressing her self esteem issues. but we learned the tools to have healthy behaviors and would not except anything else but healthy behaviors from the other person

In short treat others how you want to be treated and meet each others need and in the end except nothing less in return.

The both of you need some individual counselling to learn the tools to prevent your bad behaviors and how to deal with the pain of the past.

At the end of the day resentment will kill a marriage and if either one of you, or both are holding on to this resent ment then forget about it.....leave the resent ment at the doo if you guys want this to work.


Get it? Your getting sucked into these unhealthy behaviors cuz you haven't learned the tools to prevent them. Sure its a start to recognize them, but I'm talking preventive maintence in the log run.

I guess for me it not so much a struggle when the crap I was doing to my wife was criminal, just like the crap she was doing would have gotten her stoned to death in some counries. I just don't want to be that guy any more just like my fWW (former wayward wife) wants to be that women either.

Keep telling your self this over and over "I diserve good things".

Remorse is so important, its right up ther with affair proofing her marriage...something she needs to address and communicate with you with regard to being a healthier women just like you want to be a healthier man...emotionally speaking that is.

You might be surprised that once you as individuals become emotionally healthier, those good things I mention will come your way....for the both of you.


BTW, stay away from having threesomes with another chic...it ain't healthy for the marriage. Sure it makes your wife feel less guilty by getting you laid, but it don't realy help her issues with the lack of boundries she has with regards to a commited and respect she has for you.

I do admit it was a nice try on her part, but the problem she has is still there...no matter how many times she gets you laid by some strange.


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

It's really tough to leave things at the door, like as soon as something goes wrong, the door cracks open a touch, and it barges on through, all stronger for being left outside.

I've learnt a lot recently, still have a million miles to go, but I have accepted my inability to feel love, my incredible abandonment fears, and completely distorted self image. As has my wife, she has recognised patterns in every relationship she has been in, all her friends where being used by her, to fuel her self worth, she was/is so afraid to accept me, and trust me. We are working through it hour by hour, and have done since.. dday is it?
It sounds crazy but her cheating was actually one of the best things to happen to me, given the fact that aside from a death, there is little else so painful. I proper broke down, and was a pathetic man-mess. For her, well, it's a mix of feeling like such a failure, and a let down, she threw away something that she considers to be the best thing that ever happened to her, and she did it because she thought she was losing me. Which....she was. I'd stopped caretaking, and given up on ever being loved by her.

Because she has such a fear of abandonment, it is extremely difficult for her to believe that I'm not going to leave her, especially when, after the smallest slip, I'm already logging in to booking.com

These tools you speak of, I don't think they have them at my local hardware store, is there any way you could pick some up and post them over?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, 
After The Affair by Janis A. Springs. thats one to start with

No More Mr. Nice Guy and His Needs Her needs (or is it the othe rway around) 

Point is get o reading and set up some idividual counseling.

Your chick is sabatoging her relationships often that comes from some meesed up crap daddy did when she was young.

When you get jacked up when you a kid by some one that is supposed to protect and provide for you...then you get this mind set that you don;t diserve good thing and sabatoge those good thing when you become an adult.

Again you have your own crap to deal with, and you should step up and handle your business, You can't control your wife but if she want good thing in life she need to resolve some business that happen when she was a kid.

You guys need to work on your selfs and then you can work on a marriage.

Its like the 02 mask on a air plane, the stewerst tells you to but the oxygen mask on 1st then assist your kid or some one injuried..... get it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can you work on a relationship/marriage when you have work to do on your self 1st?


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