# I really need your help and advice with my 11yold girl and separation !



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hi people and thanks for dropping in on this.
We separated 5mths ago and my daughter, 11, went with my ex to her new place 10 mins away and I'm still out at our house for now.
We decided she should live with her , I dunno being female, so young , going through our separation. I just thought being with her mum will help and I'd hate to deprive her of her mum.
Trouble is , our idea was for her to come out to my place most w/ends and weekdays I'd go see her there.
Thing is , she's had a bit of anxiety coming out lately. Things are sinking in more for us all so I can only imagine it for her, especially coming back to the family home but - no family, that's hard enough for me.
But she often just the last 6-7wks or so , gets upset for a few hrs when she first gets here but , if we get her through she comes good , we get back to just us and usually have great w/ends in the end. A lot of her friends come out to stay too and they all have a ball and love hanging out here. They've always stayed a lot even before the sep' because my daughter always had trouble staying at their places, not just lately with this.
We usually had to pick her up early on school camps too because the teachers and friends tried everything but she still got so bad they'd just ring us in the end, the last couple have gone really well and she's stayed the lot though and she's getting better and better now with camps.

But we've still got the sleep over thing and also when she comes out to here to stay and the second thing is a lot of her friends are in town and nice and handy to where she's living now, where as we're on 1ac here and 10 mins out. Mind you , her best friends all live out on ac's like just here anyway. One's just a bike ride up the road. So she can still have her weekend stuff too .
But I just don't know how to handle this anxiety thing kicking in now. She's coming up with excuses every week lately to stay home in town. If it wasn't for me pushing she'd hardly stay at all lately and that means WE , don't get to stay together. So, I'm always having to nudge it lately or it just isn't gonna happen.
We get a long really well and if friends stay they all love it out here too so it's not like she's giving up weekends . Once she comes good we always find our feet and end up having just beautiful weekends- she even says that all the time herself and that she loves coming out and loves spending as much time with me as poss' , she wants to see as much of me as we can.
But even still, it keeps taking a push lately , more and more to actually get her here first.
Ex says she's just coming into the age of it's all about friends friends friends , but as I say, her best are out of town anyway.
Last weekend I had to go over and drag her out of bed at 11 o'clock- not literally but I did have to say well you coming or what, get your stuff and we'll get going. Again we had a beautiful w/end , she got a bit upset at the start but came good and then she didn't wanna leave Sunday.
This w/end again, they were having a pool party in town , all the girls had been planning it for weeks. OK you stay in the w/end and enjoy yourself hey.
Thanks dad , sorry but you know I really wanna see you it's just this is only once a yr.
And well , it rained didn't it , pool didn't open , none of the friends went in and she just stayed home. Turns out she only went to the pictures though last night with one friend she doesn't even like anyway.

Thing is every week now for 6 or 7 wks, excuse after excuse , avoidance when the time comes, or gets upset later instead maybe and I end up taking her home early.
Or she tells me something on and she can't come , turns out nothing was on.
I thought it might've been my ex but she keeps telling me she's fine with it , wants her to see as much of me as she can.
But ex says to that it's one that town thing and two her anxiety thing always kicks in at the last minute.
Ex says she's always trying to get her[mum] to make an excuse.
This really really hurts my feelings , all of it and I just don't know how I should be handling her /it and viewing it.
It's like lately if I don't keep on it , she'll never stay anymore. Even though we always have a ball , her friends do too but crunch time, she try's to back out.

What the hell do I do with this ?
Should I be firmer on it , insist , this is the way it is ?
Should I do the opposite , let her off the hook , stop pushing it - She'd never stay the way she's going though if I did that. And all the stuff she does do in town all her best friends go in from out here to meet up for anyway just like she use to and could now instead of staying home.
Hell I'm always running them all in and picking everyone up and they all love us running a round .

So what the hell do I do with her ?
Hell if I have to visit her there all the time instead of some of our own personal time on our own turf , just no good!


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Do you feel the need to bring her friends over to get her to see you? I would say since you only get so much time together, you should do father and daughter things together. Go to a museum, play sports, go swimming, go skating. This is not time with her friends, it's time with her dad! Get a temporary custody order so it is not optional. Help her with a school project, go to school functions on weeknights, teach her to cook, bake or fix a car, any hobbies you have- get her involved. Don't accept no for an answer when dealing with a pre-teen. If you do, it your visits will get less frequent and you will be shut out. She needs her dad! Good luck!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks . 
First up , her friends coming are nothing to do with me , I don't get them over how the hell could I that's her stuff. They'll usually ring when she's here or they arrange it before. 
We do do heaps together and if they come we still usually do anyway. But to be honest I have thought they help take her mind of things.
The other thing is if she was home , friends are part of our weekend when we're kids and huge. I can' t ask her to totally give up her weekends with friends. What sort of growing up would that be. 

But don't take no for an answer , yeah I've thought about that . I didn't know if it's right though as she does have to take herself away , every w/end . I mean did you grow up having to do that. 2 houses, 2 lives , 2 sep parents ?
Wouldn't be easy so I didn't know !

We don't need orders , ex is happy for her to come as often as poss' or for me to be over there ! We just haven't been sure how to handle this one especially with her getting upset and anxiety , couldn't be easy for her !

But yep , I am afraid of her stays and our time getting less and less , they already are because of this !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

One thing I don't get , would a girl that loves her dad even shut him out anyway or does that just accidentally happen over time ?

We phone talk for 1/2 an hr to an hr or so every night and if I don't call she's usually straight on the blower wondering where I am.
I also see her two nights a week after school , we either hang out there or I take her somewhere .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It’s not about if she loves you. Of course she loves you. It’s about the strain that divorce puts on kids. Separation/divorce causes children all kinds of problems. Think of how you would feel if you had to change residence a couple of times a week. It’s hard on kids. 


When his dad and I got a divorce, our son (2nd grade at the time) tried to talk us into splitting our home into Mom’s half and Dad’s half. The kitchen was in the middle. He thought that was perfect. To him with is the ultimate decision because he could sleep in his own bed every night and he could go on either side of the house. 

Does your daughter have to pack her things to come to your place? She should have everything she needs at your place. The only thing she should have to pack are her school books. 

I assume that when you pick her up you go straight to your place. Maybe what she need a smaller step between her mom’s and your place. Try this. For a while have something planned to do with her between picking her up and taking her to your place.

Maybe take her swimming, out for an ice cream or snack, or dinner. I’m not sure what there is to do in your town, but plan some things that are fun for her. Then she’s not leaving her mom’s to go to your place. She’s going out with her daddy. After your ‘date’ with her, then head to your place.

Try that ha few times and see if it reduces her anxiety.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey Ele , thanks for that.
God yeah your not wrong . it's an almost insane ask of a kid isn't it , to live like this. Strange thing is though I don't think even 1/2 the counselors around even have kids or fully get the incredible place it puts kids into. It breaks my heart that they end up having to live their parents bs, so unfair. I just don't know the answer though .
Love your sons solution , little darlin .

But yeah , maybe that's a good start Ele. I have actually started coming home slower because I realized that too quick and it's like bang bang for her.
Yeah she has heaps here , the place is still the same as when we split , all her stuff , the lot.

So Ele , what do you think of the excuses and skipping some week/ends, how should I handle that ?
It's because this must be so hard on her I have been pretty soft about it but I'm also missing out too.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Personally, I advise against letting an 11 year old call the shots on visitation. It is giving her too much power and puts Dad into a competitive spot. Before long she will pick where to stay by the amount of "fun" that she is presented with and this will quickly turn into a situation where it's easy to play the parents out against each other.
She is not in a position to see that long term she needs her Dad. I would refer back to the separation agreement or later the divorce decree and how this was the judges' decision and that everybody is to uphold those decisions regardless of personal opinion. 

I do get how much it hurts though. I'm sorry for what you're going thru.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

are you sure your ex is not saying or doing things that would make her reluctant to go to your house? it could be subtle things, like guilt trips about how much she would miss your daughter all weekend or all the fun her friends could be having in town this weekend...

...if you're sure that's not happening, then it might just be that having to go back and forth every week is exhausting. not physically, but emotionally. it is hard for most people to think of two places as 'home', always packing a bag to go from one 'home' to the other. imho one place is always going to feel more like home than the other, and usually the place that feels most like Home is the place where she spends the most time. 

i agree with the advice to talk to your daughter, in a low pressure way. just ask her if there is a reason why she does not feel comfortable to visit your house, and remind her that she can talk to you about anything and that you want to know what you can do to help her feel better about spending time at your house. you sound like a caring father; i wish you best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> Hey Ele , thanks for that.
> God yeah your not wrong . it's an almost insane ask of a kid isn't it , to live like this. Strange thing is though I don't think even 1/2 the counselors around even have kids or fully get the incredible place it puts kids into. It breaks my heart that they end up having to live their parents bs, so unfair. I just don't know the answer though .
> Love your sons solution , little darlin .
> 
> ...


There’s a judge who hears a lot of this sort of thing in family court. Her response often is “Gorillas sleep where they want to. Children sleep where they are told to.”

Stick to the visitation plan. Your daughter needs you ever bit as much as she needs her mother. So no, she goes with you when the schedule says she goes with you. If she were 17 it would be a different story. But she’s 11 and not a gorilla. 

I agree with Anja that letting a child call the shots usually turns into the child playing both parents against the other. Once a child is in that position the child controls the family. It’s a very bad situation.

One of the things that bothers children about divorce is that they have absolutely no control over anything. All this “stuff” is being done to them. Their lives are falling apart. And they cannot do anything but sit there and let it push them around like the waves in the ocean. This might be part of your daughter’s problem.

So maybe you could come up with a structured way to give her some control. Once every 4 weeks (or 5 weeks) she gets to decide for one weekend. And if she spends the weekend with her mom instead of you… then she spends 2 days during the week with you. So she gets to trade sat/sun w/you for tues/wed with you. By keeping a structure and you not losing any days you can be sure that your wife is not slowly trying to cut you out of your daughter’s life.

Your wife would have to agree with this before you tell your daughter. And you both would have to stick with the structure.

If your wife does not agree, then sick to the plan you have now. And your daughter stays when you when she is scheduled to stay.

What is your wife saying about your daughter not wanting to go with your some weekends?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks people , appreciated.

Ele , x has sometimes contradicted our plan , obliging my d but - she was also pretty clueless as to cause and effects and thinking oh , one off won't matter. But if it's at a time when d's having trouble breaking the routine does matter a lot.
But mostly she has tried to coax her into staying , she wants her too .

D's always needed a push with anything going or staying somewhere else and I know some of this is just that part of her, her anxiety stuff she's had forever. 
But being here also brings out the memories too , drives home this new stupid situation , the whole box and mixed dice you know. Very understandable .

She always tells me she wants to come though and especially be with me , how much she loves me , being with me, misses me .
It's just stupid , hard. How can this garbage make sense to an 11yold, Jesus I'm barely coping . 
We can't talk on it too much , she's just too young and it's all still too raw . Counselors did say we've done really well though and were pretty surprised at little talks we have managed for her age so.

Basically though , if this [email protected] is making me feel sick to the stomach , it's pretty hard to make it sound good to her.
Wish I could find some big silver lining to help her feel better about it all.

Have been thinking about that every 3 or 4th w/end she can choose thing . 
Another thing I've tried to push home is that she can still do anything and see any of her friends all just the same as it use to be or is now with her in town and all her best friends live out here anyway .
She actually has better week ends here than in town, even she says her town w/es are boring.

I dunno , think I agree with people saying it needs to be firmer , a done deal, structure for her .
I'm thinking it might be sorta two lives , but if that's all solid , structured , a pattern, then maybe that helps it all be more a part of the one more than two totally separate things .


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

I have a very different story. My son is 19 years old with high functioning autism. He finds it hard to change his routine and since his dad left about 2 weeks ago, his world has been turned upside down. He's misbehaving, but that's not his fault. I don't drive so I have to catch the bus everywhere and take him with me as he can't stay in on his own. His dad takes him out on a Sunday and Looks after him during the week when I'm at college, so he's having to adapt quickly!


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