# Accept it or .....



## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

This is my second time posting on this site. I have read variations from both Men and Women on this subject of sex in a marriage, but have no concrete answer. That is why I am trying. I have been married for 8 years now if that helps.


I want more sex in my marriage! Once a week is not acceptable, but it seems that is all I can get. We had some marital issues we have been working on, and this is the biggest complaint I have. She has heard the complaints and wants to be better, but just seems that she can not commit to 2 times a week. We even agreed on a day, and the first time response was "there is Wednesday, Thursday, etc..." WTF? That is just dishearting!

Normal example: Made freaking awesome love last Monday for well over an hour (9 days ago) and nothing sense. I have heard I am just too tired and need to go to sleep, and sorry not in the mood. She says she feels bad, but I call BS! I know she has even pleasured herself since we last made love. Nice eh? She is not a very sexual person so when she takes care of her own business that leaves me to figure it all on my own.

It makes me not want to do anything around the house, and it is very hard not feel rejected daily (like I have been 5 days in a row - until I just stopped trying). I just don't get things! If I was able to make love to my wife 2 or 3 times a week I would be the happiest person!

More excuses have a greater concern for me is that the kids can hear us 9our bedroom is directly above our son's room and it is not sound proof. So, I have to wait until 1am? She mentions the fact it is a greater concern the older he gets. "I don't want him to hear us!" Well are you perfectly still and quite when you take care of yourself during nap time? 

It doesn't help to bring it up for the 6th time in 3 months in a conversation and my emails are getting old too. So.. do I just go to bed naked and demand sex, do I just masterbate in front of her (which I really don't care for), or do I just continue to be a miserable husband that doesn't have enough sex? I have also thought about leaving a few articles up on the computer for her to read.

I have a huge email very similar ready to push off. I have wanted to send it for several weeks now, but I am will probably prolong my next sexual experience with my wife. 

So... can anyone give me advice.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Once a week? I'm jealous! (By the way, this appears to be your 14th post!)

I'm not an expert on relationships (as my wife reminds me)....but it seems to me like you are doing something to piss her off. Good luck figuring out what THAT could be! 

I'm eager to read replies from some of the more informed posters here so I can learn myself....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you masturbate in front of her. Yes. (It'd turn me on, that's for sure.)

And, you don't ask for twice per week. You ask for sex on Monday and Friday or whatever days you decide. Then you can't get the runaround about how many days are left in the week.

Does she realize that marriages are lost over this subject? Is she willing to get divorced because she is selfish? And tell her no masturbation if you're not getting enough sex. 

Honestly, she must have something against you to behave so selfishly and resentfully. Do you know what it is?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dobo's right about marriages falling apart as a direct result of this. It's funny for a while. Then excuses, then being dismissive about it, or, you are the one made out to have the problem.

Hell my marriage would have survived if she could have agreed to once a week.

On the flip-side, for realistic expectations, if you decide to end the marriage you are also signing up for a long stretch of no sex. Unless your intention is to start chasing tail the moment you move out.

I find it absolutely mind boggling that the thing that brings you together in the first place, can also be the thing that splits you up.

Sex flat out shouldn't be as complex between men and women as it is.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you strong willed?
Are you disciplined/do you have a LOT of self control?
Are you really a good husband?

Because if you are only willing to "talk" about this you are wasting your time. Nothing will change unless all 3 items above are true....





grrrrr said:


> This is my second time posting on this site. I have read variations from both Men and Women on this subject of sex in a marriage, but have no concrete answer. That is why I am trying. I have been married for 8 years now if that helps.
> 
> 
> I want more sex in my marriage! Once a week is not acceptable, but it seems that is all I can get. We had some marital issues we have been working on, and this is the biggest complaint I have. She has heard the complaints and wants to be better, but just seems that she can not commit to 2 times a week. We even agreed on a day, and the first time response was "there is Wednesday, Thursday, etc..." WTF? That is just dishearting!
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Listen though -- inform her you're going to masturbate in front of her first. You're not asking if it is OK because whatever she's pissed off at you about will prevent her from being OK with it. But when you do masturbate, try as best as you can to engage her. Do call out her name when you cum. 

She may be intrigued. And if she is, ask her if you can masturbate onto her. This lets her know that it is her that you're thinking about and her that turns you on. It may rev her engine.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

grrrr; pay attention to some of these post requests. Here's a kicker for you - it happened to me.

She is denying you; right? So that means that she is not getting enough either. So after enough time passes by she will eventually also be upset at you for not keeping her satisfied and it dig her deeper into a non-physical relationship with you. Yeah, ain't that a bi&^cth; she denises you but in the end will be pi*&ssed at you for ignoring her needs. Hah! woman.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She does not want to have sex with YOU. Hard as that is to take, it's true. You must get to the bottom of this or there will be no good outcome, and I strongly recommend counseling for the two of you. This will destroy your marriage if you don't address it--btdt. You need to get her to talk about the nitty-gritty no matter how much she does not want to, but you need to do it in a safe environment (for her) and give her time to figure out what is really bothering her. For me, it was years of having my requests ignored--requests for everything from more thoughtfulness in the kitchen to more variety in the bedroom, and everything in between. My husband said to me (after I told him I was 'done' with our marriage), "But you didn't yell and scream about it; how was I supposed to know it was important?" I wanted to hit him when he said that, but I didn't. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOUR WIFE SAYS TO AND ASKS OF YOU. It's important. It's something you should do just because she asks--not something you should say, "Ok, later" and then forget (time and time again). 

Mature grownups don't scream and yell, they request, and after having their requests ignored enough, they quit trying and try to make do--but it won't work--think about yourself and requests for sex--you ask, get denied/ignored, quit trying, grow angry. It's the exact same thing, but she is asking for other things, either directly or indirectly. EVERY TIME YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH, YOU REJECT HER. It's easy to say "she started it," but that is worthless at this point. Someone has to take charge of making change, and if you care, you will. 

And warning: if it lasts too long, there will be no turning back for one or both of you. don't wait; act now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sis,
This is so well said. My approach to my wife is not: What is the least I can do without you walking out. It is not, if you fail to yell it must not be important. Rather my approach is - what can I do to make your day fun and happy. What can I do to make you feel special and important and loved.

In return she does the same for me. Which is part of the reason why she makes so much effort for me including in the bedroom. I think the other part is that in addition to trying hard to be a great partner - I am insistent that my needs are given the same priorities as hers. 









sisters359 said:


> She does not want to have sex with YOU. Hard as that is to take, it's true. You must get to the bottom of this or there will be no good outcome, and I strongly recommend counseling for the two of you. This will destroy your marriage if you don't address it--btdt. You need to get her to talk about the nitty-gritty no matter how much she does not want to, but you need to do it in a safe environment (for her) and give her time to figure out what is really bothering her. For me, it was years of having my requests ignored--requests for everything from more thoughtfulness in the kitchen to more variety in the bedroom, and everything in between. My husband said to me (after I told him I was 'done' with our marriage), "But you didn't yell and scream about it; how was I supposed to know it was important?" I wanted to hit him when he said that, but I didn't. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOUR WIFE SAYS TO AND ASKS OF YOU. It's important. It's something you should do just because she asks--not something you should say, "Ok, later" and then forget (time and time again).
> 
> Mature grownups don't scream and yell, they request, and after having their requests ignored enough, they quit trying and try to make do--but it won't work--think about yourself and requests for sex--you ask, get denied/ignored, quit trying, grow angry. It's the exact same thing, but she is asking for other things, either directly or indirectly. EVERY TIME YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH, YOU REJECT HER. It's easy to say "she started it," but that is worthless at this point. Someone has to take charge of making change, and if you care, you will.
> 
> And warning: if it lasts too long, there will be no turning back for one or both of you. don't wait; act now.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

sis and mem are right on the money. What I meant by my previous post is what will happen if you do not act FAST! Look at my previous post - that is the situation you will find yourself in if you do not have a serious sit down talk and discuss your issues. Be frank, don't yell, don't get upset. Find out what is at the root of her issue and you may find out what she needs to see in you for change. If you don't get to the root of the issue now; you will find out when it's probably too late. By the same token, let her know that a marriage has to work BOTH WAYS! Good Luck.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

Totally agreeing with Sis and Mem.


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

Well I have talked to her and she thought it was silly that I was pissed that we weren't having enough sex! She basically said that I need to understand that we weren't going to do anything in the basement near the kids and that I need to deal. She also said that we have gone months before and don't think she couldn't do it again. That was awesome! 

She feels like I am hounding her all the time. Well duh! If I don't try every night how the hell it is supposed to happen, ever!!!

Yes, she knows that marriages end over this! I think she knows she has me by the balls because I am not going to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my kids.

She still is using the excuse that she is doing more and trying, and that she humors me. Yes, once every two weeks I basically masterbate with her help but she feels I am just using her for get off! Well, duh. Plus I am trying to get her involved. I think she is so not interested in sex that night it hurts my chances. 

She says she isn't masterbating, but I believe other wise!!! I still think rather do that be with me (just her personality?). I told her I think that masterbates Thursday's, Friday's, Saturday's, or Sunday's! She gave me this look (like how does he know) and then told me that she wasn't! Very frustrating! 

I think I am going to try dobo's advice and start masterbating nightly infront of her. I don't care to masterbate personally! I can't get less sex right!!

I don't think that she is pissed off at me, that is old bull ****. Yes, I could see she may not be attracted to me or sexually interested in me. Why not just tell me that? Then I could move on easier.

We did talk a while back (2 months ago) and one of her comments were "Not like divorce is an option" so I don't think she wants a divorce. 

If we had sex two times a week (make real love that is, not a quickie) I would be more than happy to do whatever she wants!!

I have cut back some of the things I have done around the house. However, I still do every little errand and special request that she has. 

I appreciate all of your help. If I ever figure out that there is something deep down she wants to share I will let all of you know. My wife keeps so much close to the vest it is a little challenging. 

Take care,

Grrrr


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

'She feels like I am hounding her all the time. Well duh! If I don't try every night how the hell it is supposed to happen, ever!!!'

You are very right about this, and i did the same. But it's not the right approach in asking anything, specially sex. If you stop and think about it, if she wanted you to fix the kitchen sink, and you weren't really in the mood...and then she would ask every day for the next week, you'd be pissed as hell and would hate the activity even more. 

That's the only advice i can personally give. Don't ignore the problem, but don't bug her with it or be very agressive in demanding sex. That will loose you more than it will earn you. 

Another option would be along the lines of what MEM said...'what can i do to make you more horny?'  Either ask her straight up or play with trying to seduce her.


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

I have backed off and tried to be less aggressive on the hounding. I hear what you are saying loud and clear. 

The frustrating part of things is that if I am asked to do something I do it! I hardly ever procrastinate or forget todo something that benefits her or the house. I take care of the kids as soon as I get home, I clean up the house each evening, and do the dishes. There is not a lack of doing things. 

I even give her space most of the time to get her work done or whatever. The problem also becomes that she does stuff until 9:30 or 10 and then she just wants to go to sleep not leaving anytime for anything else. 

Most of the time it is on her terms. Women run the program!! 

There have been nights when she seems like she is trying to humor me, but since she can not get into or doesn't want to that makes me feel like an ass for "Bothering" her. That makes me want to stop immediately!! 

My main issue is that she can take care of herself and be fine with that! I am a damn good husband and father. Even after a long day I put her and the kids before me. I even get up 2+ hours before her most days to go to work as well! It is not like I am slacker or lazy husband and father. I feel like I earn some damn intimacy from my wife! 

I used to give her weekly neck messages or full back messages, but I just have to give some where if there isn't going to be anything coming my way. I can not continue to give and give. Hell twice a week is not to much to ask. Neither is a hug when I walk in the door. I really do not ask for much!! I would honestly be the happiest person in the world if I was able to get half the attention from my spouse that I deserve and wanted! I do not feel like I am asking for too much! Maybe my expectations are just way to high!

I have also tried to dig again more recently to see what issues my wife may have with me, and she says there is nothing. 

Thank you again for the additional feedback!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your story sounds very familiar. It got pretty bad in my case. The common recommendation is of course to back off - but even that didn't yield much. After weeks of "don't ask, don't tell" (no pressure, or requests for sex) if we were having a good day and were affectionate, she would use that as a test - because she believed by default that if we were being affectionate, that I would want to have sex. It turned into an extremely damaged dynamic.

Basically, I needed to not want to have sex for her to want to have sex - and she would interpret an embrace and a kiss as precursor to sex, so therefore ... any affection albeit genuine, also meant no sex. It is amazing to me in hindsight what you can be willing to overlook, or accept, to avoid risking your marriage. Truth is, that very behavior contributes to the risk. It's just slower and less volatile.

So, I stopped everything. I stopped asking her for sex. I stopped offering help. I stopped being invested, and caring, and compassionate. We were in counseling throughout this point in time. She paid lip-service at counseling. Agreed what needed to be addressed, but did nothing to address it. My hope at the time, was that she would realize she was losing me - which was true, and would re-engage. It didn't shake out that way. She was shocked at the change, but instead she pulled further away, began an EA that transitioned into PA. 

So, don't let this happen to you. 

Her telling you that "you just need to deal ..." is no more helpful than you constantly asking. Address the issue responsibly, but she should be aware of the impact "dealing" is having on you, and if she simply minimizes it, she is contributing to the dysfunction.

I refuse to believe, or accept that being married equals 'no sex'.


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

So if backing off and doing nothing doesn't work, and pressing doesn't work, where is the balance? How do I become the one she wants to be passionate with, and slow down the amount she masterbates? 

I know that there is no easy answer, but there has to be one!! It is a sad day when I have lost the connection of sorts with my wife. She says she "Loves Me" with prompting when she leaves or before we hand up even. 

I feel like I get mixed signals so often. My goal is to stay married and to have a great sex life. 

I never thought that I would be married and sexually unhappy. Especially since I am so sexually attracted to my wife. In my eyes she has the best body I could ask for and more.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> My goal is to stay married and to have a great sex life.


Was my goal too. But not hers ...

My point is, the solution isn't so much about what YOU do. It has to be something that the plural YOU can embrace, and live up to. If your partner isn't onboard, doesn't much matter what steps you take. Not trying to sound fatalistic, just keep some perspective.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> grrrrr said:
> 
> 
> > So if backing off and doing nothing doesn't work, and pressing doesn't work, where is the balance? How do I become the one she wants to be passionate with, and slow down the amount she masterbates?
> ...


Yup, I have the same view on my husband. And it's funny how, regardless what sex the person who is willing and very affectionate is, their mate is usually distant and unwilling 
After my affection experiment there (where he stated he hates affection), and proving he does like it and getting it all the time now....I'm pretty confident it's the same with sex or anything else in the relationship. But, just as you, I am stuck at 'how' now. Good luck to you :smthumbup:


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

Thank you Nekko!! 

We had one more little chat just before bed the other night about where we were at I was trying to figure things out. I told her that I was going a little frustrated that no matter what direction I tried to take with her it was the wrong thing!! I also mentioned that I felt as if I was trying to be someone else to make her happy, and that I was going to just relax and focus on me being me again. 

Her comment was that she has just felt hounded and that I was trying to manipulate her into whatever I wanted her todo. Funny that is kind of what Nekko said! She also mentioned that she just is not as sexual as I was, seeing how I want to jump her 24-7! I think part of her comfort is that she knows that she can get her satisfaction whenever she wants.

I also mentioned that I felt pressure to try and intice her daily because I wanted to get there before she pleased herself and it left me out in the cold of sorts. She rementioned that she had stop masterbating. I understand the need to occassionally, just don't leave me out in the cold. 

The next night we didn't make love (becuase of the monthly visitor), but we did make out for a good hour. That rocked!!!

I have relaxed and started to focus all on myself so I can get back to who I am and going from there. I have always been a firm believer that you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else!

Thank you again for the great support everyone!!! 

Take care! I also hope everyone has a great holiday season!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Awesome, I'm happy for you. This sex business in marriages is very very tricky, specially when one of the partners wants more of it. The normal reaction of any person is to push their spouse into it to (usually by nagging, pressuring, heck, even when they try to behave nice and tempt them, it's not playful and relaxed, it's more like you can feel the frustration right through their actions). It's usually accompanied by 'if he/she loved me then sex would happen more often'. The normal reaction of the spouse is to obviously feel manipulated or pressured and need to back off. Sex needs a certain amount of freedom and peace of mind to enjoy it. Obviously, pressure and freedom are a contradiction in terms. 

When you're stressed about the lack of sex for enough time, your general state of mind when it comes to sex will be frustration (that sometimes even makes people think they have a very high sex drive...it's because they can't have sex and it suddenly becomes important and a missing piece of the puzzle in their lives...and they begin the quest of finding that missing piece). We all feel when a person around us is frustrated and let's say desperate...Desperate people are NOT attractive. 

I know how it feels to have the pressure of your SO masturbating and you feeling like you're second choice. That every time they masturbate it means you won't be getting any. That increases the frustration even more. The reality of the situation is that masturbation is not to blame. (In fact, people turn to masturbation because they don't feel any pressure to please someone else, they are by themselves, free to simply enjoy). Masturbation is not the problem, it's the outcome of the problem. Solve the problem and masturbation won't be an issue anymore (even if she doesn't stop it). Why? Simple, you'll be having sex, you'll be pleased, so you will simply not care what she does alone. 

While I'm not suggesting in any way that you accept the situation for what it is...what i was trying to explain is that your approach is wrong. Making your wife want more sex means you become less obsessed to have sex, you study her and see what kind of behaviour would turn her on, and you turn sex into something that's highly enjoyable for her. You never, at any point, are clingy or pressuring. Say she feels like she has to perform, then turn it into a relaxed low-pressure activity. Many people don't understand why they have to change for their spouses. They don't realize that if they were single they wouldn't be getting sex once every two days...or for some people not even once every month, for that matter. And they'd be fine...but because they are in a committed relationship, suddenly sex once a week seems a huge pain to bear. So it's really not lack of sex that's the problem (physically), it's more of a ...she's my wife yet i can't have her ( i love her/want her more..and want to be wanted back just as much) type of thing. 


Basically whatever the problem if you can find out, you can turn it around. Also, one key thing to remember...when she starts wanting sex a bit more often...say once every 2-3 days...do not for anything in the world, as soon as you get that, ask for even more often imediately. In fact, at that point it would be better to find something that makes *her* want it more, so that she wants more often. Why am i saying this? Because you'll come out as the unsatisfied man who always wants more often, and she'll think no matter what she does you'll always want more. This can and probably will make her feel pressure again and switch back to once in every blue moon .

Good luck to you and your marriage.


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## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

do you make her feel wanted and desired? not only physically, but emotionally. start foreplay from the moment you wake up. nibble her neck and whisper something smooth in her ear, then walk away. tease her in sensual way! or take a shower together. just my hypocritical opinion lol my wife doesnt love me right now, but this is how i would try to initiate intimacy before sex. good luck!


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Grrrrrrr,

now I am really pissed off. I think you are married to my wife too.:lol:

I think it must be a women-vs-man thing. All I can figure out is, women and men love or perceive love in two different ways. For me as a man, love is shown physically. I could care less about the cleaning, washing clothes, etc... It almost seems like a double standard. It has been said that if we helped out around the house more that the wife might be in the mood more often. Twist that around, if the wife was in the mood more often we would help out more often. It's amazing what a man will do for love.

I personally get turned off by the once or twice a week commitment. I don't like the idea of calender or day-planner sex. I feel like sex should be a impulse or an act of love that you want to share with that other person. There is just something that is so not romantic about, "Honey,do you think you can pencil me in this week?"

I can honestly can say that I can get sex anytime I want it from my wife, once a week or once a day, she is submissive. The only problem is, it doesn't seem like making love. If all I wanted was an "O", I can take care of that myself. I need the personal connection between a Man and his wife. My wife says she just doesn't get horny but she also says she doesn't want to deprive me due to her problem. 

Do women really not get horny? Doesn't make since to me.

I know before I got married and was in the dating time of my life, you could rub or massage on a women or nibble on her neck or ears and get all tingly and excited (we are not talking about my wife right now) and it was on then. The lady I am married to now is just not like that and has never been. I really got mixed messages when we dated. Sex was fine and then when we got married it became a problem. When I asked why it was so different when we dated, she said "I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, I had never had sex before and I didn't want to loose you". It would be nice to know these things before you get married, invest 20+ yrs, and constantly wonder what life would be like with someone else or would it be more of the same.

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will spend the rest of my life being married to someone that acts like more of a best friend. 

Grrrrrr, I feel your pain, you are not alone out there.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

grrr, you need to lay it on the line--or quit complaining. She is not attracted to you sexually, for whatever reason. That is obvious. You need to say to her, calmly and for her benefit: "I will not continue in a sexless marriage. To me, marriage includes a passionate sexual attraction by both people and for whatever reason, we don't have that. I'm willing to work on it with you, but the choice is yours. I will wait _____ [amount of time, like 2 weeks or whatever] for you to make an appointment for us to work on our marriage, with a therapist who will help us figure out why you are not interested in a sexual relationship with me. After that 2 weeks, I will _____ [leave, ask you to leave, whatever.]

My point is, nothing is going to change if you don't take action, and if you won't take action, nothing will change. Complaining and venting here is ok, but it won't change anything. If you are truly unwilling to divorce, then for the sake of your kids, figure out a way to live like this happily. You are doing them NO FAVORS by continuing a marriage in which you are clearly unhappy. It may get much worse if you continue as you are. 

By the way, you are quite right in not pursuing sex when she's clearly not into it. Nothing will damage a sexual relationship faster than one person participating without desire. Getting at the root of the lack of desire is the way to a solution. She may panic and try to fake it just to keep you from insisting on counseling, but that is probably just a short-term solution. If she does not desire you, and forces herself anyway, the chances are that things will get worse in the long run. You guys need professional help (nothing wrong with that, either), so be responsible to your family and insist. That's my opinion, anyway.


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