# The ole "Seven Year Itch"



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In my part of the world I hear the "Seven Year Itch" phrase a lot. Here it is commonly used to describe (or explain) transitions taking place in individuals' lives. My 88 year old mother used this phrase again this morning. She, like many others in her generation, believes it is very true--almost an exact science.

My estranged husband of four years called me out of the blue last night. It had been months since we had any contact. He basically wanted to catch up on things. Surprisingly the conversation lasted for 45 minutes. It seemed strange. When I told my mother of the conversation she immediately came to the conclusion that his seven year Sugar Daddy stage must be coming to an end. That made me think more about things and how cycles come to an end. Sure enough it has been 6 1/2 years since my estranged husband went off the deep end with his MLC.

I thought about my mother's comments and realized that a lot of stages in my life (and loved ones) do seem to last seven years. Anyone else notice this? How so?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have been in two long term relationships: my high school sweetheart and my now ex W, both of them lasted essentially 7 years. I have also had a few jobs that tended to end around the seven year mark. I guess when you have a good thing don't expect it to last more than that!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

me and H were together 13 years

according to him he started to lose the feeling about 6 years ago

you do the math(s)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's freaky but there are a lot of people who do separate/split at that 7 year mark. Crazy huH?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

About a year ago, I heard an updated study or whatever that said that the 7 year itch no longer exists. Rather, there's a 12-year itch.

And, 12 was the upcoming number for us.

Self-prophecy, BS or both?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Kind of scary when one starts identifying things by the seven year rule..... My marriage/relationship lasted 21 years (3 x 7). It was roughly in 7 year stages. We were childless the first 7 years. The next 7 years we were both busy with small children. And finally we were busy with a business. After 7 years that business went on the decline fast too. I've also noticed that people's hobbies and interest tend to last 7 years. 

I so hope my mother is correctly predicting my estranged husband's bizarre MLC is about to end. There goes my adult children's entertainment!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lol 827


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Correlation does not imply causation.

I nor my wife got "itchy" at the seven year mark.

It`s not time but lack of understanding and communication that lead one astray.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Correlation does not imply causation.
> 
> I nor my wife got "itchy" at the seven year mark.
> 
> *It`s not time but lack of understanding and communication that lead one astray*.


which just happens to frequently correlate to the seven year mark


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We sought MC at the 7 year mark.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

im redoing my mortgage and the lady that came in said every 7 years many start a new cycle in their life or relationship.She many will remortgage at around 7 years,buy a new home about every 7 years etc so not sure it only pertains to relationships anymore.

Besides it all Hocus Pocus


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> which just happens to frequently correlate to the seven year mark


Yes


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

scratch,scratch back to the grind.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I worry about this. But I wonder, if you're aware of it, can you prevent it? I mean, if you work on your marriage and stay connected then the itch won't happen...I guess?

I have never experienced the 7 year itch, but I have experienced the 3 month mark after a breakup.

No doubt those turds would call to "see how you're doin" almost 3 months to the DAY of a break up.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

that_girl said:


> I worry about this. But I wonder, if you're aware of it, can you prevent it? I mean, if you work on your marriage and stay connected then the itch won't happen...I guess?


Good question. It's all about losing interest and passion. Perhaps the human's attention span is only 7 years.:scratchhead: I'm curious.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I suspect at seven years the couple has two or three kids very often. The couple has gotten comfortable and do not do couple things as often. Stresses wear them down. 

I see sooo many thread thread begin, my wife and I have been married ten years and we have X children. .... She is texting another guy for a little over a year. And of course the reverse gender scenarios. 
Seven may be about right but it may take a couple of years for the effects to pull a marriage down.

I also see an alarming number of early marriage issues after a first child. I guess that is to be expected. Then quite a few arounf the 20 year mark. 

I wonder also how becoming 30 and 40 impacts folks and their view of their marriage?

People seem to question their lifelong commitment then. I think both male and female seek extra validation at these times. Commonly these mile stones relate to about 7-10 and 15-20 years of marriage for long term marriages. No doubt these numbers have shifted over the past 50 years with more women graduating fron college and having careers compared to their mothers resulting in aving children a tad older.

All conjecture.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Good question. It's all about losing interest and passion. Perhaps the human's attention span is only 7 years.:scratchhead: I'm curious.


I think that you can. I am at year 13 in my marriage (with almost five years of dating before) and we are better in many ways than at year two or at year seven.

If subscribe to an "evolutionary" model of human behavior, then seven years makes some sense, in that it would bond a couple long enough to have 1-2 children reach an age where round-the-clock care is not required (3-4 years old). I can't remember if that theory was mentioned here or if I read it elsewhere.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

Relationships have cycles like all of life. 7 years is a dip in that cycle of love. Its normal and with communication and love can be worked thru like every other part of life.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Definitely!

My first wife began her EA just after our 7th anniversary. We D before the 8th anniversary.

Ironically my second wife proclaimed herself pleased that we "beat" the term of my first marriage (7.5 years), because I'd suggested relationships have 7-year cycles... yet shortly thereafter, in year 8 she entered her own EA and took it somewhat PA. For 2 years, on & off. We are now entering process of D.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I view it as an expression related to human evolution. It takes about 7 years to raise a child to a state where they are capable of most things. The male that stayed/participated that long gave his children a competitive advantage such that the behavior was passed on at a relatively high rate in surviving offspring. That is counterbalanced by the evolutionary advantage of the male moving on to sire more offspring with other women and increase the genetic diversity and traits his children will have - again, promoting the survivability/success of his genetic line. I think this tug of war goes on in most men. 7 years sounds like a compromise. Stay with one woman long enough to ensure the likelihood of a child's survival before moving on and doing the same with someone else.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

7 years = 1 Dog Year


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My ex husband and I had the seven year itch too. I think it's called boredom of the same ol' same ol' but we made it past that.

Then came the 14 year itch...and the same thing..boredom. 

We always had a lot of fun together but my ex was always one that wanted new things in his life (including other women). I played dumb and stupid to it for way too long (called denial) until I realized that it was time to end things as I was totally losing myself in the process.

the bottom line was..I DID lose myself in the process as he planted his feet both in our marriage and out of it..fooling around with other women..yet still wanting to be married to the first woman he'd even fallen in love with..along with one of the nicest ones.

One of us had to make a choice and I had to be the one to do it. In the end..it was the easiest divorce ever as my ex IS a nice guy..he just didn't know how to keep his pants on.


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

I am probably divorcing now after 7 years together.
But to be fair, this was not a seven-year-itch, it was a case of a sevn-year-long-itch.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

With the amount of people married, if you actually did a study at what year couples had separated or had major issues, I think it would be pretty broad and not related to 7 years.

Someone coined the phrase the '7 year itch' so subconciously some people have it in their heads that this is "the year" things get rocky. And sometimes then they do. But it can happen at anytime, in any year.

I think it's just a phrase that has no basis, but one that has wormed it's way into people's thoughts.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> ...I think it's just a phrase that has no basis, but one that has wormed it's way into people's thoughts.


I think the opposite, I think there is a biological basis for this, wouldn't normally jump to conclusions without seeing a graph of the proportional distribution of marriage longevity, however there seems to be tons of anecdotal evidence... even my own observations in my two LTR's that lasted almost exactly 7 years, during which times I was quite stable and unchanging from the beginning where we had such deep love and appreciation for each other then seeing her feel tugged away longing for something different.

I have googled a little for this kind of statistical info but haven't found anything solid yet... will keep looking when I have time


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Found the table from Stats Canada showing marriage durations as of 2004 and 2005:

CANSIM - 101-6519 - Divorces, by duration of marriage, Canada, provinces and territories

I haven't graphed it out yet, but just looking at the figures the range of durations is highest in the 5-9 year range, but looking a the individual years looks like, in Canada atleast, the peak years for separation are between 3-5 years, so I guess you are right, there is no seven year itch, but possibly a three year one


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

7 years into the relationship or the marriage? What is the 'rule'?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LemonLime said:


> 7 years into the relationship or the marriage? What is the 'rule'?


yes. good point, considering the stats I pointed out above, and assuming most (young) couples are together a couple years before marriage, that puts the peak duration before separation in the 5-7 year mark. So I'd say the rule applies more to the relationship than just the marriage...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I'm starting to think my estranged husband may be coming out of his MLC now that it is almost at the seven year mark. It is getting a little strange. He called me again yesterday just to chit chat. Then today he e-mailed me something one of our daughters had requested (for school work). Yet he never answered her text asking for the papers/photos. I'm even detecting a hint of humility in his voice. For those having a MLC or having to endure one with someone else, do they typically last seven years?


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Does the 7 year itch thing count if you multiply it by 4? 28 years, we have certainly had lows before, not sure if they coincided with 7's but this one sure did. And it is definitely related to MLC. But what can I do? You're supposed to hang around and work together to get past these things, not walk away


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

There is science behind all of this from an evolutionary standpoint. Evolution is about procreation. When people first meet and start dating there is a chemical high. That high from dopamine surges when couples get married and starts to dwindle usually between 18-36 months. This is when a spouse will think "they're not in love anymore" This is why at the 3 year mark so many couples who haven't had children divorce. 

Couples who have kids typically last into the 6th 7th year when one spouse will usually have an affair and will at all costs keep the affair going & destroy a family unit. They can't let go of the high, but it will come to an end as well. This is why you will see so many people repeating the same cycles. i.e. married 3-4 times getting the same results.

The dopamine high of the affair will last for about 3 years and then kaput. Thats is why an affair typically last 3 years. Also any relationship that starts from an affair will end due to it being started from lies. A house can't be built without a solid foundation and affair relationships lack Trust. Both parties are untrustworthy and deep down they know it. Consciously or unconsiously


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote from another thread:



cryin said:


> I was married for 7 years too. Did you love your ex when you got married?
> 
> You said " its just how it always happened for me" so by that you mean its happened more than once ?
> 
> ...


no kids. God no, might i add.
and I didnt ever have the love high. I "chose" to commit and love and treat him well. 
I never ever loved him the way I hoped i could.
I should have listened to my gut, not to people telling me "love is a choice"
I;ve had the dopamine high before though, and I *hated* it. Seriously, nothing felt normal and even though it was interesting, i despised that bizarre feeling of "my world is spinning so fast" etc
The best feeling was when the high wore off. I really fell in love then. Could see the man for who he was and fell even more inlove, it made me want to cry. I could have gone on forever, with nothiing special happening, it was that quietness that made me happy, the everyday life together knowing i had him, but he didnt love me back after a while together.

So i chose somone with a good character and made myself believe it could turn from friendship and appreciation into deep love. It didnt. It never will.

So what, I didn't try hard enough?


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

LauraF said:


> Quote from another thread:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not listening to our gut is always a huge mistake, but my feeling is that we "fall in love" and during that time our bodies produce a chemical high which wears off 18-36 months into marriage. When it wears off people say " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and divorce follows. Thats why so many people find themselves repeating the same patterns over and over. They get married again.. 1 1/2- 3 years later " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and they're divorced again. 


If you didn't love him when you got married it couldn't ever turn into something it wasn't. The choosing to love comes into play when you have already fell in love with someone and been with them for awhile. The choice is to continue to love them.

When you say "he didn't love me back" what do you mean by that ?


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

cryin said:


> Not listening to our gut is always a huge mistake, but my feeling is that we "fall in love" and during that time our bodies produce a chemical high which wears off 18-36 months into marriage. When it wears off people say " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and divorce follows. Thats why so many people find themselves repeating the same patterns over and over. They get married again.. 1 1/2- 3 years later " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and they're divorced again.
> 
> 
> If you didn't love him when you got married it couldn't ever turn into something it wasn't. The choosing to love comes into play when you have already fell in love with someone and been with them for awhile. T*he choice is to continue to love them*.
> ...


How is that a choice? How could you not just choose to love anyone, then?
I think once sexual infatuation wears off, thats when people give you the ILYBNILWY stuff.

But there is something else entirely, and I know that. I know that if you truly love someone (and not the dopamine high), you love them
It cant be learned or chosen, it is completely involontary. 
Its the feeling that only sets in after about 3 years, thats what I mean. When you begin to love someone more and more.

He stopped lovng me, in the sense that infatuation wore off. Yup. I am one sorry example.

Theyre two guys, BTW
The one i loved and didnt want to continue being with me and the guy I "choose" afterwards

Its true, I should have been in love and then gotten married, but Id reiterate this:

If it had been love, I wouldnt have had to choose it. I couldnt, i dont think abybody can/

Arent there just some thinks you just love? Like certain sports or certain friends or what have you.
You didnt choose to love them. You just do, you just continually love them


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

LauraF said:


> How is that a choice? How could you not just choose to love anyone, then?
> I think once sexual infatuation wears off, thats when people give you the ILYBNILWY stuff.
> 
> But there is something else entirely, and I know that. I know that if you truly love someone (and not the dopamine high), you love them
> ...


Ok I see your point. I must be just another sorry example as well then.


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

cryin said:


> Ok I see your point. I must be just another sorry example as well then.


No, dont even say that.
You know the weirdest part is that even though it wasnt a regular love marriage (it wasnt an "arranged" marriage either, I am American, but you get my point), I still feel like a failure now that its drawing to a close.

I have two months to move out and uproot my life, and frankly, it was my fault.

But I have hope, too. I know, I _know_ theres something out there that the love poems talk abut, something special and real and lasting. I just know it.
I might never be one of the lucky few to find it, but being in a loveless marriage was certainly no better. It was so much worse.

What happened with your marriage/relationship, can I ask?


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

LauraF said:


> No, dont even say that.
> You know the weirdest part is that even though it wasnt a regular love marriage (it wasnt an "arranged" marriage either, I am American, but you get my point), I still feel like a failure now that its drawing to a close.
> 
> I have two months to move out and uproot my life, and frankly, it was my fault.
> ...


My exw started having an affair and wanted a divorce. She moved the OM into the house with my 2 kids 9 weeks after it was final. exw now engaged to be married for a 4th time ???OMG I ignored red flags and was just naive when we had first met. She never accepted any responsibility for anything in her first 2 marriages and that should have sent me running. She blamed her mother as to why she married her 2nd husband. I have learned a lot from all of it but the cost has been hefty. 

Needless to say It has been a rough year. The rug was pulled out from under me.


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## LauraF (Apr 8, 2012)

cryin said:


> My exw started having an affair and wanted a divorce. She moved the OM into the house with my 2 kids 9 weeks after it was final. exw now engaged to be married for a 4th time ???OMG I ignored red flags and was just naive when we had first met. She never accepted any responsibility for anything in her first 2 marriages and that should have sent me running. She blamed her mother as to why she married her 2nd husband. I have learned a lot from all of it but the cost has been hefty.
> 
> Needless to say It has been a rough year. The rug was pulled out from under me.


I am so sorry.
I think there's nothing worse than infidelity. Honestly almost nothing.

I hope your kids will in the end get to live with you (dont know if your going for full-custody), she sounds freaking unstable. 

Itll get better. 
In a year from now, you and I will be posting on here about how life is just dandy.


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

LauraF said:


> I am so sorry.
> I think there's nothing worse than infidelity. Honestly almost nothing.
> 
> I hope your kids will in the end get to live with you (dont know if your going for full-custody), she sounds freaking unstable.
> ...


My D was final in Nov. I didn't have the financial means to battle her for a few years for custody. I have my kids 50-50 and i live right up the road from them so Im doing my best. She is stable in that she is calculating and manipulative. textbook NPD and would be classified as stealth NPD. I wish i knew what that was when I met her and was more educated.

She rationalizes what she's done, Deflects when her perfect self image is questioned. Never takes responsibility for anything in her life and at her core is a self loathing only concerned with outward appearances. 

She is a very good actor and fools many people.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Well 7 is the number of completion in certain circles.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Seven year itch? Hell, I keep getting the 6 month heebee-jeebees.

Heebee-jeebees just doesn't flow quite the same ...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

LOL! Now days I'm lucky to focus on something for 7 minutes much less 7 years.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Mine was the 12 year itch. Year 12 is when everything started to fall apart.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

stbxw and I used to talk about all those 'failing times' in relationships. We were happy we got past that '3 year hump' and talked about the 7 year being the next big one.

Funny though, we always talked about our MARRIED time as the calculating factor .. boy were we wrong lol. Married for almost 5 years .. but were together almost exactly 7 years when it hit the crap shoot.

All that time she spent judging everyone elses marriages .. look where yours ended up stbxw!


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