# Show me a man...



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.

What are your deal makers?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My deal breakers:

No cheating: PA's or EA's

The man must be clean.

Has to respect me.

Loves me and all my stupidness.

Be a good father. As parents we are all work in progress. But I will kick your tush, if you hurt my kids.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


Yea, well I do both of those things and still get shut out so its not a deal maker for everyone apparently


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Cook and talk? Of course! My wife and I talk all the time about all sorts of stuff...including how we "feel". I'm not afraid to expose my feelings. And as for the cooking component, hell...myself, @charlie Parker, @Ikaika, @Haiku, @Runs like Dog and many others are cooking up dinner on a regular basis in the "What's for dinner" thread down in the social-spot.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I believe there are women out there who deserve the right man. Until this week, I thought I was. I thought I was a man who women would want. I am 31, I have two kids. I can cook better than most. When I say I can cook I mean I can grill, bake and make just about anything. I am loyal, honest and most importantly affectionate. I love to go out and love staying in just as much. I like to cuddle and I like my space. I am not clingy but strong willed, and have a commanding presence. I enjoy the outdoors and physical activities. I also enjoy playing little games with my children, to whom I always lose to. I like sitting at the table with my girls while my youngest colors and shows me every five seconds her new line and help my oldest with her homework. I have almost infinite patience and even when I lose my temper, I wouldn't hurt a fly (well a fly yes, but you get the point).

Why cant I find a woman who is like me? Why are there soo many that are absolutely screwed up and unable to appreciate the finer things in a relationship. 

My kicker would have to ungratefulness and dishonesty. I understand people fall out of love and make mistakes. The part of life that people lack so much these days is the ability to take responsibility. If you screw up, hey these things happen, but take responsibility.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cooking and talking are great! But they are not the total package by a long shot.

How about a man who can cook and talk, make sweet tender love when the mood strikes, and/or b*ng the day lights out of you when that's what you're craving?? 

Being great in bed is a "must".

(AND a phenomenal "kisser" to boot!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Cooking and talking are great! But they are not the total package by a long shot.
> 
> How about a man who can cook and talk, make sweet tender love when the mood strikes, and/or b*ng the day lights out of you when that's what you're craving??
> 
> ...


You ask for too much>


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


The Big Guy a fantastic cook, far better than me and he goes out of his way to cook vegetarian food for me.
We cook together most nights, I am the helper.

He is the one that keeps us on track with talking in order to resolve any issues that come up. I am a run and hide sort of gal.

He is Superman in bed and yes as HAAC said his kisses are the best I have ever had and we kiss passionately everyday.

Happy days here and yes I do everything I can for him


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

depressedandexhausted said:


> Why cant I find a woman who is like me? Why are there soo many that are absolutely screwed up and unable to appreciate the finer things in a relationship.


Amen brother... Psycho girls are a dime a dozen. To answer your question because past 30 yo most of the good ones have long been scooped up already.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'd move heaven and earth but if he needs _me_ to cook, well, that outcome is questionable! 


I admire the pants off my husband for who he is, for what he inspires in me, and for how we are together.
And yes, he does indeed cook ...with passion. Ooh la la!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?



In most cases I read about the man says that but nothing changes. I get that you were blind sided by his unhappiness, subsequent cheating and leaving, but there's really very little chance anything would have been different had he said "let's talk about this" when he was first unhappy.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


Absolutely no smoking or other drugs. 

Be an involved parent

Kind and understanding

Good in bed

My husband is a good cook and typically we can talk about things, but he can be immature at times and drive me crazy. I do wish he would grow up some and be a bit more selfless.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> Absolutely no smoking or other drugs.
> 
> Be an involved parent
> 
> ...


Liked for honesty. 

I was beginning to think I was screwed if I wasnt Jesus meets Hercules meets Emirle Lugasse meets John Holmes. Oh better throw in Bob Vila too.


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Greetings!

I am talkative and emotionally expressive. I am skilled in cooking, too. I've been told I'm a great kisser, and fantastic in bed. I work hard every day, hit the gym for two hours a day, five days a week--and I'm reasonably well-educated. I'm an "old school" Marine.😄
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My biggest requirement is kindness.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Confidence in himself...............

Says what he means and means what he says...

Respectful..................

Considerate and compassionate.................

A gentleman, but can also be rough around the edges...........

Enjoys a great sex life - exploring, trying new things, can be rough or gentle, etc.

Hey - I've just described my husband to a T!! Lucky me - I got everything I wanted and more..............


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A real man cradles babies and keeps them safe. A real man will defend to the death.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Work ethic and ambition. I don't respect lazy men. 
Being able to take care of himself properly; dressing well, good hygiene, eating properly. Lots of grown men who don't know these things.
Having a lot of patience.
A generous spirit; unselfish and not excessively self centered. 
Excellent lover; gently dominating and lusty. I want to be taken and I like a man who knows how to touch a woman.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Liked for honesty.
> 
> I was beginning to think I was screwed if I wasnt Jesus meets Hercules meets Emirle Lugasse meets John Holmes. Oh better throw in Bob Vila too.














While I admire the pants off my husband, it's because of who he is... that means the entire complexity of who he is. That ought to go without saying. And, sometimes his cooking is off-beat too. Together we are equipped for ordering pizza at a moment's notice. '...to the Bat-phone!'


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


I am this man. Never did me any good.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I was this person as well. My XWW traded me our marriage for a clown that wasn't half of that, because she was bored. 

In my subsequent life as a divorced man, finding someone who has some or most of these qualities isn't impossible, psychos excluded of course, and there are plenty of them. However, finding someone who has some or most of these qualities, and sharing a physical and emotional chemistry, seems to be damn near impossible. 
Without the tingle...it doesn't really matter. >


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I've never dated or been in a relationship with a man who can cook. I hate to cook. I grew up with a stepmother who didn't allow anyone in "her kitchen" while cooking, so it's something I had to teach myself. I make a few good things that everyone likes. But I'm not creative at all when it comes to cooking.

And I spent 27 years with someone who, even when I asked him, said he was happy with our marriage and in it for the long haul no matter what, then told me when he left me that he'd been unhappy for at least 10 years. So that's where that comes from.

I'd just like to know what it's like to be with someone who's capable of both these things. But they're not the only things, and it's not a deal breaker if he can't cook much, either, or is shy about sharing his feelings.

The deal breakers are he has ever cheated - I don't care what his reasons are - he doesn't respect me and treat me like an equal - and most important, he doesn't love my son as if he were his own.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I've never dated or been in a relationship with a man who can cook. I hate to cook. I grew up with a stepmother who didn't allow anyone in "her kitchen" while cooking, so it's something I had to teach myself. I make a few good things that everyone likes. But I'm not creative at all when it comes to cooking.
> 
> And I spent 27 years with someone who, even when I asked him, said he was happy with our marriage and in it for the long haul no matter what, then told me when he left me that he'd been unhappy for at least 10 years. So that's where that comes from.
> 
> ...


Funny had the exact opposite problem. Never been with a woman who could cook, or at least cook well.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Funny had the exact opposite problem. Never been with a woman who could cook, or at least cook well.


My own son dubbed his mother..."The Microwave Queen". At least he had Dad to teach him how to cook and go grocery shopping.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I don't like shopping. Groceries or anything else. I've gotten better with the talking bit, as I used to just bottle everything up. Cooking? Hell, I'm an evil genius in the kitchen, but I don't bake. Out of site, out of mind.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Respectful/caring/loving/kind/thoughtful.... My husband is all of these things, but hes strong he speaks his mind and what he wants is what he gets  

I also have a bonus. My husband can cook too, Its good because sometimes i feel like the night off. My husband always says food tastes better when someone else cooks it .

Sometimes he can be a bit of a joker, a little to over the top, but i would not have him any other way, hes a man in every way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You know, it depends on the person. I don't care if the guy is a good cook although I'd at least like company while cooking. I do like the talking part. I'm struggling about my deal makers and breakers. I have a good male friend who would likely take it to the next level and we are so compatible in almost every area that I really struggle with the one or two areas we don't. Is 90% compatible enough? Will I ever find more? Is that 10% the part the most important one? Ug.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You know, it depends on the person. I don't care if the guy is a good cook although I'd at least like company while cooking. I do like the talking part. I'm struggling about my deal makers and breakers. I have a good male friend who would likely take it to the next level and we are so compatible in almost every area that I really struggle with the one or two areas we don't. Is 90% compatible enough? Will I ever find more? Is that 10% the part the most important one? Ug.


It probably depends on what the 10% is. If it's something small, then yes, it's probably not a big deal and can be over come. I don't think anyone is 100% compatible. There are always going to be areas where there is some incompatibility. The test is whether you (and him) can deal with those and work through them. My ex-wife and I were very incompatible and we didn't work out. My current gf and I are probably 85-90% compatible and the area in which we aren't we consider small (i.e., she likes the house immaculately clean, I don't mind a small amount of mess...stuff like that). In important areas (communication, how we spend out free time, our views on sex) we are compatible. Works for us, but might not work for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EW it really does depend on what the 10% is. 

In my case our area of non compatibility is the drama his ex brings to our lives, I really have had a hard time with it but like my dad said to me if the good is really good then at this age/stage in life you just have to suck it up and learn to deal with the not so good.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Not pointing fingers at anyone here, but it made me laugh.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Lone Shadow said:


> I don't like shopping. Groceries or anything else. I've gotten better with the talking bit, as I used to just bottle everything up. Cooking? Hell, I'm an evil genius in the kitchen, but I don't bake. Out of site, out of mind.


Will you marry me?

I must be the one woman in America who hates to shop. Even online shopping irritates me. My ex is the one straight man who loves it. A real bargain hunter, he is. Almost a bit of a hoarder. And couldn't make a grilled cheese sandwich. I make a mean one of those - I'm good at short order cooking and grilling. 

Tell you what - as much as I hate shopping, I've come to not mind grocery shopping - I'm the only one who ever did that in this house, and I got good at it after a while. Just make me a nice list, and I'll get you everything you need.

In return, I'll never drag you to the mall or any other kind of store. I also like watching sports on TV - any sports - doesn't matter. But I like American Football and basketball the most.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


I've never cared if the man can cook.. I've always done all the cooking (Oh the kids do some).... our youngest is a very picky eater, besides this, it's all good.... I just need some entertainment in the kitchen , listening to something while cooking/ baking (a talk show, put the news on, youtube videos).. and I'm pretty happy in my apron , preparing to serve..

Once it's all done.. it's a smorgasbord "Come & get it boys!" type of deal... I do get the plate for my husband though.. 

I'd care more if he couldn't handle fixing cars & Home repairs... these things I admire & want in a man.....

As far as listening or being there, the communication thing..he's always been wonderful .. I can't say he is the most forthcoming guy around.. a little on the passive side, not wanting to unnecessarily stir the pot.. he's gotten better here since he KNOWS I want this .. no matter what he's feeling, good or bad. 

My *deal breakers* are being with someone who doesn't feel a need for openness, honesty.. Lying in any way / purposely trying to hide things, uncaring attitude when you know it hurts the other...these things destroy trust , intimacy & harmony..

I have a need for my lover to be my Best friend... which captures many aspects of communication / affection for each other ... 

Some of my deal breakers.. obsessive Gamer, Sports fanatic, drinks too much , workaholic/ rarely home, frivolous spender if money was tight, bills need paid...just to name ....besides the obvious - abuser, infidelity, etc. 

I've always felt myself & Husband are high on the compatible scales...from how we look at $$, love languages in the same order, what we wanted in life, how we viewed love/ sex / parenting, sense of humors work with each other... to the type of friends we enjoy, wanting to live in the country, movies- an enjoyment together, to being more home bodyish even)

....I don't believe I could find another like him to fit with me....the differences we DO have are a plus - what he lacks I make up for, what I lack.. he makes up for ....which also brings that little extra Oomph into our chemistry ...

There is 1 area I wish he was more in.. but it's a WANT.. not a NEED.. so it could never be a deal breaker.. .for me to even dwell on this small thing... it's been such a waste of my energy / focus in the past...now I can look back and see how trivial it all was .. in the scheme of what we each bring to each other.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You know, it depends on the person. I don't care if the guy is a good cook although I'd at least like company while cooking. I do like the talking part. I'm struggling about my deal makers and breakers. I have a good male friend who would likely take it to the next level and we are so compatible in almost every area that I really struggle with the one or two areas we don't. Is 90% compatible enough? Will I ever find more? Is that 10% the part the most important one? Ug.


Well you are never going to find someone who is 100% compatible with you, as there will always be something you disagree on, but it really depends on what that 10% is. If it's something small or that can change over time, I would move forward, otherwise I'd take a good look at the relationship. 

I have certain automatic deal breakers, so any time I was dating a guy and saw that, it was over. One guy smoked = game over. Another was super arrogant/selfish/in love with himself = good bye. My husband and I have some differences, but we've worked on them and things have been good now for a while.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Deal makers: the opposite of my lying cheating pos stbxh

Deal breakers: my lying cheating pos stbxh or anyone like him

I'm pretty easy going no?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Honest and transparent

Kind and loving

No addictions

Able to hold a conversation, be vunerable when needed (when talk is about feelings)

Hardworking

Cooking, laundry, etc not essential


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Will you marry me?
> 
> I must be the one woman in America who hates to shop. Even online shopping irritates me. My ex is the one straight man who loves it. A real bargain hunter, he is. Almost a bit of a hoarder. And couldn't make a grilled cheese sandwich. I make a mean one of those - I'm good at short order cooking and grilling.
> 
> ...


Sure, where do I sign up? I come with 2 kids, and a metric sh!t-ton of baggage though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Will you marry me?
> 
> I must be the one woman in America who hates to shop. Even online shopping irritates me.


Oh I detest shopping, too, NMB! You're not the only one! I shop online at least twice a week, though. Not because I want to.....it's all necessities. Amazon Prime is pretty much the best thing that's happened to me in the last couple of years.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I come with a 13-year-old son and some baggage, myself, Lone Shadow. I'm a Betrayed Spouse - not sure I'll ever fully recover from that one. Not insecure or codependent - pretty independent, really - but for right now, pretty distrusting and wary. And bitter. I'd say it'll easily be another year before I'm even ready to date.

STR, that sounds good to me. I really don't mind getting groceries and sundries, though. I mainly hate clothes shopping. Can't stand The Mall or department stores.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I come with a 13-year-old son and some baggage, myself, Lone Shadow. I'm a Betrayed Spouse - not sure I'll ever fully recover from that one. Not insecure or codependent - pretty independent, really - but for right now, pretty distrusting and wary. And bitter. I'd say it'll easily be another year before I'm even ready to date.
> 
> STR, that sounds good to me. I really don't mind getting groceries and sundries, though. I mainly hate clothes shopping. Can't stand The Mall or department stores.


No worries. Definitely take the time you need to heal before getting back into the dating world. It can be a bit scary at times. For me, anyway.

Clothes shopping? Hmm. I go to Mens Warehouse fairly regularly. One of the managers there, I'll call her A, has been a great help. Particularly because I have no sense for fashion. I walk in, staff sees me and says, "Oh, you're A's guy. Hang on, I'll go get her for you." I haven't picked out any of my own clothes for about a year and a half now. She does it for me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8uOErVShiE


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I am this man. Never did me any good.


That is because your picker is broken, darling. You just need the right woman to appreciate you. :smile2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?


Sorry, but I'm married.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> That is because your picker is broken, darling. You just need the right woman to appreciate you. :smile2:


Ohhhh picker it says picker. Phewwww


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Ohhhh picker it says picker. Phewwww


PICKER.

And it's true. Bandit has dated a few doozies.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I don't really care if a guy can cook, but if I'm doing all the cooking, he better damn well be appreciative and help with the clean up (read: do the majority of the cleanup), and hang with me while I'm doing the cooking. And if I'm doing the shopping, say thank you, help bring in the bags, and help put stuff away.

Other than that:

--No addiction/drinking problems.
--Good hygiene, and keep facial hair to a minimum (preferred but not required).
--No cheating.
--Clean up after yourself.
--Complete honesty; don't worry about hurting my feelings with honesty (I can handle it, even if I'm upset initially), I'll be MORE hurt if you lie.
--Respect me, respect my opinions, respect my feelings, even if you don't understand them.
--Don't try to change me; love me for who I am, despite my faults. This is who I am, and I am well aware of my faults, and I dislike those things about myself. Don't make me feel worse by drawing attention to them by trying to change them. I have been trying to change them for years, but I've found that other things are more important.
--Be true to yourself and be YOU. I won't try to change you--but don't pretend to be something you're not when we first get together, and then reveal yourself to be something else later. Don't bait and switch me.
--Show me that you want me as often as you can. PDA me. Kiss me with passion. Grope me around the house, reach out and touch me whenever I'm within reaching distance. And fvck me every chance you get. Trust me, you WILL be rewarded. Be GGG and adventurous in bed. And don't forget to cuddle after.
--And I would love it if you can fix sh!t around the house, so I don't have to. Or build things. I like a man who can make things or fix things.
--Most importantly: be a safe place for my heart, so I don't have to stay so strong all the time. When I am hurting, protect me and take care of me. Shelter me.

ETA: Hard-core gamers need not apply.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> PICKER.
> 
> And it's true. Bandit has dated a few doozies.


Tis true. But there have been a few good ones too. They just didn't take.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Tis true. But there have been a few good ones too. They just didn't take.


I'm pretty sure I've only heard about the doozies. Or those are the ones I remember the best. :grin2:


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I think they're the ones we all remember best. The morbidly entertaining is always remembered best.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

And yet, a man can have every quality mentioned in every post here, and at some point his SO can kick him to the curb without a backward glance....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Who isn't afraid to say, "Let's talk about this" and who can cook, and I'll show you a woman who will move Heaven and Earth for him.
> 
> What are your deal makers?




I always take the initiative and gets things done without being asked. I help Mrs.CuddleBug without being asked. I do a better job cleaning up, and organizing our place. I am proactive and always upgrade something we could use down the road without being asked. I can cook just like Mrs.CuddleBug. I love to hold her, listen to her day and warm her with my man heat and heart beat laying down on the couch which puts her to sleep within 5 minutes. I always do some chores inside and outside every day so it never piles up without being asked.

My deal breaker is a woman who has a low conservative sex drive, period.

My ideal woman would love sex, often, be very adventurous, buy toys and just surprise me and always be spontaneous.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I agree with you there CB. The low sex drive is a deal breaker.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

My deal breakers: cheating and won't do dishes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

depressedandexhausted said:


> I believe there are women out there who deserve the right man. Until this week, I thought I was. I thought I was a man who women would want. I am 31, I have two kids. I can cook better than most. When I say I can cook I mean I can grill, bake and make just about anything. I am loyal, honest and most importantly affectionate. I love to go out and love staying in just as much. I like to cuddle and I like my space. I am not clingy but strong willed, and have a commanding presence. I enjoy the outdoors and physical activities. I also enjoy playing little games with my children, to whom I always lose to. I like sitting at the table with my girls while my youngest colors and shows me every five seconds her new line and help my oldest with her homework. I have almost infinite patience and even when I lose my temper, I wouldn't hurt a fly (well a fly yes, but you get the point).
> 
> Why cant I find a woman who is like me? Why are there soo many that are absolutely screwed up and unable to appreciate the finer things in a relationship.
> 
> My kicker would have to ungratefulness and dishonesty. I understand people fall out of love and make mistakes. The part of life that people lack so much these days is the ability to take responsibility. If you screw up, hey these things happen, but take responsibility.


I feel for you. It's just as hard for a good woman to find a good man. There are about as many screwed up men as there are screwed up woman. The trick is figuring out how to cull them out.

I think that often times good people are easily sucked in by people who put on a good face to cover up their true selves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> And yet, a man can have every quality mentioned in every post here, and at some point his SO can kick him to the curb without a backward glance....


That statement makes it sound like it happens 100% of the time. It does not.

And the same goes for women.... some men do the same thing to their wives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> I must be the one woman in America who hates to shop. Even online shopping irritates me.


Hey, me too. I hate shopping. It stresses me out usually.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I feel for you. It's just as hard for a good woman to find a good man. There are about as many screwed up men as there are screwed up woman. The trick is figuring out how to cull them out.
> 
> I think that often times good people are easily sucked in by people who put on a good face to cover up their true selves.


This is so, so true. My XH pretended for a VERY long time to be someone other than who he really was; he pretended to be the kind of [good] man that I wanted.

And I think that part of him really wanted to be a better man than who he really was, but he couldn't maintain that facade forever. He managed it for a really long time, but every facade eventually cracks.

Accomplished fakers can be very hard to spot.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Show me a man.....

who isn't threatened by a strong and independent woman.



I've learned this is a love 'em or hate 'em thing; there's no middle ground.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Cooking and talking are great! But they are not the total package by a long shot.
> 
> How about a man who can cook and talk, make sweet tender love when the mood strikes, and/or b*ng the day lights out of you when that's what you're craving??
> 
> ...


 That's like a guy asking that his wife give him sex at a moments notice then after the sex, turning into a pizza and a six pack for him LOL. It's utopia.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

depressedandexhausted said:


> I believe there are women out there who deserve the right man. Until this week, I thought I was. I thought I was a man who women would want. I am 31, I have two kids. I can cook better than most. When I say I can cook I mean I can grill, bake and make just about anything. I am loyal, honest and most importantly affectionate. I love to go out and love staying in just as much. I like to cuddle and I like my space. I am not clingy but strong willed, and have a commanding presence. I enjoy the outdoors and physical activities. I also enjoy playing little games with my children, to whom I always lose to. I like sitting at the table with my girls while my youngest colors and shows me every five seconds her new line and help my oldest with her homework. I have almost infinite patience and even when I lose my temper, I wouldn't hurt a fly (well a fly yes, but you get the point).
> 
> Why cant I find a woman who is like me? Why are there soo many that are absolutely screwed up and unable to appreciate the finer things in a relationship.
> 
> My kicker would have to ungratefulness and dishonesty. I understand people fall out of love and make mistakes. The part of life that people lack so much these days is the ability to take responsibility. If you screw up, hey these things happen, but take responsibility.


Are you dating women your age?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

. . . who can be honest with himself, even when it punctures his ego.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In most cases I read about the man says that but nothing changes. I get that you were blind sided by his unhappiness, subsequent cheating and leaving, but there's really very little chance anything would have been different had he said "let's talk about this" when he was first unhappy.


That's very comforting, because I have convinced myself that if h had just talked to me, or I could have found the magic formula to encourage him to talk to me, we'd still be together. To paraphrase Conrad, people are just going to do what they're going to do and you can't make them do otherwise. 

But my next relationships will include a deal breaker; no whining, moaning, withdrawing, and milking the depression for attention or drama or an excuse to cheat.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You know, it depends on the person. I don't care if the guy is a good cook although I'd at least like company while cooking. I do like the talking part. I'm struggling about my deal makers and breakers. I have a good male friend who would likely take it to the next level and we are so compatible in almost every area that I really struggle with the one or two areas we don't. Is 90% compatible enough? Will I ever find more? Is that 10% the part the most important one? Ug.


I think our standards go WAAAY up after being cheated on. We're not willing to tolerate bull**** when we've learned to love and respect ourselves, realized what we've survived and realized that we now thrive. We've worked hard to rebuild a life and want to be careful who we let into it, and I can see that post-cheating recovery, we're either really strong and determined, or we stay in a rut, but either way, finding someone to share life with is can be a challenge. That's my opinion, though, from the peanut gallery of h just having filed. Ask me in a year or two and I may feel differently!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

P51Geo1980 said:


> It probably depends on what the 10% is. If it's something small, then yes, it's probably not a big deal and can be over come. I don't think anyone is 100% compatible. There are always going to be areas where there is some incompatibility. The test is whether you (and him) can deal with those and work through them. My ex-wife and I were very incompatible and we didn't work out. My current gf and I are probably 85-90% compatible and the area in which we aren't we consider small (i.e., she likes the house immaculately clean, I don't mind a small amount of mess...stuff like that). In important areas (communication, how we spend out free time, our views on sex) we are compatible. Works for us, but might not work for others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really like this response. It is sane and rational. In a forum for midlife crisis, read about a man who reconciled after cheating and he still *****ed because his wife didn't keep his car as immaculate as he thought she should (as IF that's a reason to cheat - yeah right). I like a clean and tidy house but have stacks of books in the lived-in places, and because I have a full time job AND work, my car is like a locker, with a bag of books and papers for each course. It keeps me organized. 

Your post gives me hope that I won't have to worry about being a perfectionist about someone else's weirdness just to be in a relationship.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I come with a 13-year-old son and some baggage, myself, Lone Shadow. I'm a Betrayed Spouse - not sure I'll ever fully recover from that one. Not insecure or codependent - pretty independent, really - but for right now, pretty distrusting and wary. And bitter. I'd say it'll easily be another year before I'm even ready to date.
> 
> STR, that sounds good to me. I really don't mind getting groceries and sundries, though. I mainly hate clothes shopping. Can't stand The Mall or department stores.


OMG, are you my long lost twin? I don't mind grocery shopping, actually LIKE it when I do it by myself anywhere other than Walmart. Hated taking h along; after the time he spent with OW, they ate nothing but chit - high carb low nutrition crap. When he came home, and was recovering from surgery, I made my fabulous spaghetti with meat sauce (he lived in Italy for a while and fancies himself a connoisseur of Italian food), he made the comment, "I forgot what a good cook you are." I hate the mall, I hate department stores, and I HATE clothes shopping. I don't have a 13-year old though.  

Recover from being a betrayed spouse? Yeah, that's going to take a learning curve.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> This is so, so true. My XH pretended for a VERY long time to be someone other than who he really was; he pretended to be the kind of [good] man that I wanted.
> 
> And I think that part of him really wanted to be a better man than who he really was, but he couldn't maintain that facade forever. He managed it for a really long time, but every facade eventually cracks.
> 
> Accomplished fakers can be very hard to spot.


OMG! That's my h. He's beautiful to look at, but he is so ugly inside right now, and it took me a long time to see it. I was thinking this week of the picture of Dorian Gray. H is starting to look like the picture. Ugh.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jld said:


> . . . who can be honest with himself, even when it punctures his ego.


That's hard for a lot of people, not just men.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> That's hard for a lot of people, not just men.


True, FIP.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TeddieG said:


> That's very comforting, because I have convinced myself that if h had just talked to me, or I could have found the magic formula to encourage him to talk to me, we'd still be together. To paraphrase Conrad, people are just going to do what they're going to do and you can't make them do otherwise.
> 
> But my next relationships will include a deal breaker; no whining, moaning, withdrawing, and milking the depression for attention or drama or an excuse to cheat.


Talking about a problem is only part of reaching a solution. Both people need to be willing to work on issues and make changes where necessary to solve the problems. If one partner (or both) isn't willing to do that, than the talking won't do a damn thing. 

I talked to my XH about our problems many, many times, and nothing ever changed. 



TeddieG said:


> OMG, are you my long lost twin? I don't mind grocery shopping, actually LIKE it when I do it by myself anywhere other than Walmart. Hated taking h along; after the time he spent with OW, they ate nothing but chit - high carb low nutrition crap. When he came home, and was recovering from surgery, I made my fabulous spaghetti with meat sauce (he lived in Italy for a while and fancies himself a connoisseur of Italian food), he made the comment, "I forgot what a good cook you are." I hate the mall, I hate department stores, and I HATE clothes shopping. I don't have a 13-year old though.


I don't mind grocery shopping, but I hated going grocery shopping with my XH. He is (was) a chef (the man hasn't cooked a damn thing since 2006), and it was like trying to shop with a child in a toy store. Incredibly frustrating! What should take me 45 minutes would take 3 hrs, and he would just willy-nilly through stuff into the cart that we didn't need, because he was excited about it. Most of the time, this stuff would clutter up the cabinets, because he would never actually COOK with it. And the bill would be twice what it would be if I went alone.

So most of the time, I went alone. But I always made sure that I got the foods that he wanted, so that he would be happy. And that fvcker never once thanked me for the time I spent doing this, and he would b!tch and whine if I asked him to help me carry in the groceries from the car. Because it was such a HUGE inconvenience to him.



TeddieG said:


> OMG! That's my h. He's beautiful to look at, but he is so ugly inside right now, and it took me a long time to see it. I was thinking this week of the picture of Dorian Gray. H is starting to look like the picture. Ugh.


Ha ha--my XH has grown increasingly unattractive over the years. His outside started to reflect his inside--or his lies started to catch up with him.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

> Ha ha--my XH has grown increasingly unattractive over the years. His outside started to reflect his inside--or his lies started to catch up with him.


Mine is getting less attractive too, partly because he would never go to the dentist for his regular appointments that our dental insurance covered, and partly because the ugly-aZZ he is is showing in the way he carries himself and dresses, and partly because my love is no longer blind! >:slap:


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