# Trying the no contact separation



## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

Okay. I have been married 2 plus years. I am in the Army Reserves and was deployed several years ago long before i met my wife. last october my wife lost her job at the school she taught at and continued to work at her part time job periodiacally. Every year I go away for several weeks and while i was gone for three weeks in august my wife left. she has an apartment near her mothers house but doesn't want me to know where. its a good two hours away from our house.
we had an arguement prior to our anniversary in which she expressed her desire to have a trial seperation. i was the typical husband and i couldn't beleive any of what was happening to me. she asked about counseling and i said i didn't want to see a stranger about our problems. we discussed children and the fact she may not be able to have any and like an idiot i told her i wanted my own children and adoption was out of the question. i thought we had come to an agreement and went out for our anniversary twice because the movie we went to see sold out that was in july. in august i went away for three weeks. we talked every night on the phone the second week she went to a confrence for her coaching job its part time also. when she returned she aparently called the movers and by the time i came back she had taken everything. i got a text message from her the night i was to arrive home. my father and a freind showed up and talked to me so i wouldn't flip out.
i arranged to meet my wife that sunday (two days later) things didn't go so bad i was very emotional begging and pleading. she agreed to see me again. i met her at a mall and had her help me pick out weddign gifts for some friends of ours. i went to the wedding by myself. we made a date and went bowling we had fun and then she went out of town for work again. several weeks went by and i convinced her to go to counseling. she went and the therapist told us to make a date. after the session we spent several hours together. we planned a date and went on a haunted hay ride. i think it went okay we laughed alot and she commented on my hair and it was nice to see me shaven. 
i had been calling her like everyday i know it was a bad move. we sceduled some more sessions which she claimned to be sick. the flu was going around and she couldn't talk on the phone she had no voice. so the fourth session was coming up and i reminded her about it but she told me she wasn't going to make it and wrote me an email. in it she dropped the bomb. i was shocked as i thought things were going better. so i left her be for a whole week and asked her to go to the next session. i cleaned the whole house and took her all the possesions of hers i could find. she showed up for the session and the therapist asked me to step out for a few min. i came back and my wife had told her that the relationship is over but she wanted us to be freinds. i was upset and she left and waited for me in her car for 30 mins. or so. I went out to our cars and we talked and decided to go to a local coffee shop. she loaded all the stuff in car and we left.
we talked for a few hours again and we laughed she even started the ribbing. a woman i do business with suggested to me i should take my wedding ring off before the next time i met my wife. she had taken hers off in september. while i was eating i saw her look at my hand and then back to me and then back to my hand. she looked very hurt from the realization of what i had done.
we hugged and she said she would look in her appartment for more of my stuff she took when she moved out i made 14 boxes of her stuff she left behind and i got a shoe box. she wrote me another letter confessing to me her sins against me. she didn't repsect me and all the decisons i made about our future. i work a full time job and have a business on the side. she claimed she flirted with men to help boost her ego she claims nothing ever happened. she was sorry for not keeping the house in order.
so i have read several books she moved out "the divorce remedy" among others i have decided to leave her alone and not call or anything. 
over the holiday my family text her. my brother sent her a message telling her he was sorry they had not talked lately and if there was anything he could do to help he would be there for her. my father wished her a happy thanksgiving and hoped things were different. 
so here is my current dilema. yesterday after work she text me "555-5555 is mom or dad? my old phone wont turn on" i waited and knowing it was brother called him and asked why my wife would be asking me about his phone number.
once i realized what he had done i simply replied "neither its my brothers #. i get "ohhh ok. i don't have anyones in my book thanks." so then she text me "5555 is moms right?" 
i replied again nope thats dads number. i waited several mins and text her "moms # is 5555" and to that she replied "thanks jeepmanw518 bunches!)" to that i have replied nothing. 
my original plan was to not call her until the 18th of november and offer to meet her for coffee at a borders in the mall. i had planned on meeting her for 20 minutes and then tell her i have shopping to finish before christmas and leave her wanting more. 

thanks for reading i know this is a really long post.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

the phone thing bugs me because she knew it was someone from my family and she could have called them instead of asking me who it was that contacted her.. maybe i shouldn't have responded


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Hi,

I tried the no contact thing to - lasted about 5 days in the end. Not because I broke but my other half did.. He wants to be 'friends' etc. I want him to miss me not just want to be friends. He rang me twice on the weekend.. I didn't take the calls but did txt him saying I was busy. He replied with I just wanted to know how much to cut back the trees.... Well to me that's something that could have been done in txt anyway so why call??
I think in his own way (and maybe your wife's) he was just 'checking up' seeing if I'd answer etc. I REALLY didn't want to answer but it felt rude not to LOL I shouldn't care about being rude to him really.
He rang me again last night and wants to catch up - Undecided if I should go.

What's the reasoning behind you wanting to have a no contact seperation? 
If it's something you have read in books and think it's going to fix everything (like I felt) then I'm not sure it really works. Follow you heart and listen to your head, I think most of us know what's the best decision to make in the end....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I'm a firm believer in no contact for a few reasons. First of all it allows you to give yourself time and space to really pinpoint what went wrong in the marriage, then it gives you time to figure out what YOU did wrong and YOU can then fix YOU. Remember you can't change her, you can only change you.

Also by not contacting the other it lets them get a wake up call. If she is maybe trying to prove her independence to you, or to stir something up, if you show her that whatever she does just rolls off your back in a sense, it kinda shows her that you aren't down to play games. ( The whole number thing...I don't know really what she was trying to do there, expect either get some attention or start some drama). 

And lastly by no contact you can actually think about whether or not this person is even worth it. For example if you find out a week from now that you is going out every night talking to him doing this etc etc...is that really someone you want in your life?

If you can't have peace in your own house...where will you?


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## Ana_Nurse (Oct 24, 2009)

I have contacted my husband, who let me about 2 months ago every day since he left...that makes me a psycho, I KNOW! haha 
I know its hard and it sucks...
I hope you can be stronger than me!'
Good luck!


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I have been working on me since she left. I have been going to counseling privately and anger management through the Army. I have been doing the Army thing for 11 years and I know I have picked up some bad habits. 

she thought i would be so mad when she took all her stuff( i was) but she left the couch and the tv's but took the bed. i have spent a year in the desert with 40 guys in a 100'x50' tent
with much less(power, running water, beer). it so reminds me of college and crappy looking furniture. lol. it really does suck though

i bought a WII last week because she took ours and have been losing weight from stress. I thought that I would like to use it again since i have been throwing myself into my work. i need a break from life and it was that or get a puppy. she took her dog also and i never thought i would miss the dog either. 

she moved without having a job. I have been paying for our car and health insurance as well as the mortgage and all other utilites. she got a job at an insurance agency and lasted three weeks before they let her go. i'm not sure why she hasn't tried to find a teaching job except alot of schools are cutting music.

i gathered from her facebook page she started a new job today after a month of looking for another job. its a temp job. the aprtment she rented is a month to month lease. all things that point too when she moved out she wasn't sure if she wanted this to be permanant.

she gave me the "I love you but not the way I should" speech after she moved out. the therapist told me don't believe everything you hear and less than 50% of what you see. which i also read in the divorce remedy book. 

so i'm not giving up on her. thank you for responding it has been very hard to not talk to her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's so difficult to do the no contact thing. It's more difficult than divorce or chasing her. At least you are doing something when you do those things! 

Keep the NC. You may need to give it months. It's great that you are working on your issues.

The overanalyzing is what everyone does at one point or another. I did it as well. Not so much now. 

Your therapist is correct. Their words and actions don't always match.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I have been talking to my best friend and his fiance about this whole thing trying to get a womans perspective. she told me if her ex husband had tried half as hard as i am she may have taken him back.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hopefully she didn't say that in front of her fiance! lol. You are in a tricky situation. But see I tried like hell to get my husband back but he never met me halfway not even a little bit and he did some rotten things to me. So now Ive let it go, the ball is in his court and its a relief in a way. You can only do so much remember that. And yes while she might be wanting you to fight for her (because most woman want a knight in shining armor) she has to do some work as well.

And BTW, if that woman's ex-husband had tried to win her back...she wouldn't be with your best friend now would she? And who's to say that her first husband wasn't in a sense preparing her for this more fulfulling relationship

I don't know. I'm just spectulating.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm not going to say I was the perfect husband but I worked very hard to afford to live while she worked part time. i was not always home and she would make dinner for me and then when i got home and let the dog out i would go to the shop to work on stuff for the business. so she was lonely. big mistake on my part. 

she had surgery in april for endometrious for the second time but this time she was on bed rest. I'm sure that i was not a great husband being that i could have been more supportive.
when she felt better she went and played in the civic band over the summer which meant trips to her mothers on wednesday's and came back on thursdays. i thought that was great seeing how last summer she had carpal tunnel surgery done to both of her wrist and couldn't play at all.

she also started a diet plan around that time. she lost 50 pounds over the next 6 months and looks great. she is now a health coach for that program. 

she wrote on her facebook that she was thankful for her friends and family but "she was glad she could move out and move on and be safe" which i don't get i never abused her pyhsically but maybe thats what she has been telling people to get them to help her out?

I really love her still and hope that she will realize the grass isn't greener and that running away from her problems will not solve anything. 

she was planning on going back to school next year to be a guidance counselour because so many schools have cut music programs. 

Thanks everyone for the support


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

she has overdrawn our joint bank account more than once since she left. i noticed she has been getting netflix with that account. she hasn't used the account for anythng else since she dropped the "D" on me. should i close that account?

i asked her to release me from our cell phone account so i could get my own plan but when i tried to do that she had a portion of the bill in collections so i payed the over due amount and the current bill.

i will go this weekend and see if its feesible to stay on the account and pay it or get my own and let her deal with loosing the phone.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I have not been served with divorce papers and it has been almost a month since she told me she wanted one. 

should i be concerned? 

should i consider filing myself or will that upset her?


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

We are both 28 right now. we dated for a year lived together for a year after that and got married after a total of two years. I'm a reservist now so I have only been away for summer camps two to three weeks at a time.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey if she said that she filed well then you wait for her, unless the fact that you are still married but separated is killing you. 

I know for me I didnt want the divorce at all but I am the one who filed for it. I wasn't going to sit around while my H did god knows what.

BTW I was in the military for four years, I miss it trememdously. Before I was active I was a reservist too. Thanks for what you do and take advantage of everything that they have to offer.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you for your service also. 

As far as I know she has not filed yet. she just express her wishes that she wants a divorce.

If you were not the one that wanted the divorce and you are the one who filed did your spouse have any remorse or change of heart when they got served?

Thanks


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I have no idea if it did anything to him...mine is a slightly diff from most on here only bc I now live in PA and he still lives in Texas, I know he got served the papers last week and to my knowledge nothing has been done yet (as far as him signing) but I've already signed my part, and yes it was hard but what can I do? I'm not going to sit on my ass and wait, your young also, if she keeps on flip flopping like this you may need to give her a dose of something. But again it is ultimately your call.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BTW Jeep - I'm reading - I just don't have any advice. Just know you aren't alone.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

Thanks. i'm not giving in to filing for a divorce.

I married a very stubborn woman  

if i filed she would prob go with it because she has become unconfrontional.

its starting to get easier everyday to deal without her.

I'm getting a life. went out with friends on friday night and a girl my buddies fiance went to college with (dinner out and Wii bowling drunk was great).

working on my landscaping business by getting ready for plow season. I have drill this weekend and cutting my hair always makes me feel better.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

another day down. 

anyone think i should or shouldn't send my inlaws a christmas card? 

should i wait until after i see my wife in a week or so ?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Send everyone a Christmas card that sounds sensible and caring to me.

Treat your in laws normal.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

even the wife?


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I went to family day for the Army today man was that hard.....

I saw lots of happy families some with children and some without..

it has been a rough day!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry about the rough day. It's difficult to see everyone happy and together during these times.

Send the card, to your wife, if it makes you feel better. Don't if it's a way to chase her. No mushy or over-the-top cards in this situation. Make it neutral.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I picked out a merry christmas card that was pretty generic iw ill send it in a few weeks like the day after I send one to my in-laws.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I am on day 20 of no contact. i went to the bank today and closed our joint account. i'm sure she will be upset when she doesn't get her netflix movies in the mail but then again she never asked me to use our money for that.

I wonder if i am doing the wrong thing by hanging on? 

she has not tried to call me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't think you ARE hanging on at all. Doing that no contact thing isn't hanging on..it's giving your wife to settle and think about thinks. Same with you.

I think people give up too easily in marriage. They jump in and out of them quick. Don't rush a divorce yet....give it some time.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

SO am I wrong to want to break no contact next week in hopes of meeting her for coffee? 

the only time she has contacted me was about text messages received by her from my family regarding thanks giving. when she sent these messages she refered to my parents as mom and dad. 

am I nuts or was she checking up on me because she hadn't heard from me? 

she sent my parents photos of the cabinet my father made for her after her grandmother painted it. she also posted them on facebook commenting that her father in-law built it for her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Just remember...if she's interested she will come to you. I would NOT suggest coffee. Once you do, you are chasing her again. It will undo what you've done. Let her wonder what is up. I know it seems like a long time. 

This no contact can last months. It is difficult and many jump the gun before the other party is ready.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

what if she never calls me? 

i have not gotten divorce papers in the mail.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm on day 23 of NC. 

spent a long time the night before in the plow truck ugh.

The wife used to hate my long nights and cold feet when i got home so yesterday was hard for me.


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

I say if shes not contactin you then no deffinitly dont contact her at all, i know its hard not to but obviously shes not callin for a reason my w has done the same thing but i am decidin to cut my losses and move on and it sounds like you are tryin that to?

good luck


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I know the NC can be soooo hard. I'm struggling with it myself even though I know my partnership is over, according to my H.

But I encourage you to continue to give her space.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

This was my idea. 

I know that calling her all the time wasn't working so this is something different. 

I'm going to call her next week.

If it doesn't go well then I can always go back to No Contact right?


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

Yes but if she rejects you like my w just did 2 me yesterday only
1 of 2 things is gonna happen.1 she gives you the whole cold shoulder shpeel and thats just gonna make you feel worst or maybe the conversation will lead you to finally try to focus on yourself and try to move ahead!

im not saying it can't go well and i really hope it does for you but i say don't call at all!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I say...don't try to contact her. Once you do, it's like going back to square one. That just an opinion but that is how I feel. She'll get in contact with you, if she's at all interested.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm on day 24 of NC.

I have been reading and have now read divorce busting and the divorce remedy. 

given the time i have spent i have decided to give my wife what she told me she wanted last month for christmas. 

A divorce.


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

dude i didnt contact my wife and guess what i got for this christmas.....found out yesterday it was an affair sooooo contact is no issue now im done regardless, like i said man i know its rough but move on cuz she already has


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Wish I could be like you two guys and just say okay thats it. Sounds very freeing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm just sick of hoping she will come around.. if i let it go i can get on with my life.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Jeepman I totally feel you pain. tomm will be two weeks for me and as Ive said before it feels like you never existed in their life. I hope we can all move on but no matter how many books I read or how busy I am my mind always goes back to it. Only time is gonna help that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

I changed my mind I'm not giving up on my marriage.

This no contact is for me so that my right.


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

Ur choice but im afraid ur gonna do way more damage to urself than good by holding on, just let go man u might not feel better after 2 morrow but u will in a week or so, try new things man meet new gurls im tellin u thats what ur wifes prolly feelin so quit n move on but ur choice 2 hold on


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

betrayed81

thank you for your input but you are not changing my mind. you may do what you like.

I have been going out doing "stuff" trying to stay busy. i'm still married so i'm not dating other woman.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

jeepman: Keep up the good work regarding NC! It's easier to chase or get a divorce. It's more difficult to do the NC and wait. 

No need to rush on the divorce, if you want to try to save. Exhaust all options. This is one.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

one more day down. it is getting easier everyday.


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

OK but ur just draggin urself thru da mud longer sorry u cant feel or got closure like i do good luck with everything man


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

update. I went to meet her for coffee friday night.



she was hungry so we went to the food court in the mall. she picked on me for starting my shopping so soon! lol told me i looked good commented that she liked my shirt. picked on me about the grey hair i have now.



we spent about four hours together shopping and talking. I never brought up our relationship. she has a new job that she loves helping kids. so she is no longer depressed and seems very happy. she was bouncing around like i haven't seen her do in quite a while. 



she hugged me and told me i am too skinny. i have lost 20 pounds since june (alot of that i attribute to drinking diet soda). i asked her too call me and she said she would on christmas eve. 



her new job had her working like 80 hours a week. 



I guess i shouldn't get my hopes up. 



I asked if she would like to go to a hockey game and she said she would like that (we have never gone as a couple).



she needs to go to a doctor (specialist) for female problems and commented she would have to spend the night. its two hours from my house and four from her appartment.


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## jeepmanw518 (Nov 30, 2009)

well today i just found out she has had sex with some other guy. i'm numb she hasn't served me yet. anyone got a clue where i should go from here?


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## Crawpup (May 11, 2015)

I left my husband two years ago because I really thought I would be better off without him. I also was helping (enabling) my 26 year old son and his girlfriend and their two babies! This had been a main source of contention between my husband and I ( not his son, he has no children). Anyway I was ok for awhile, even started dating although that ended badly. My son continued with his pro lens and nothing I did helped, he is prison now. And I have finally come to my senses and realized I walked out on my marriage foolishly. Now my husband has a new girlfriend and I have begged for a second chance but I fear it is too late. We haven't filed for divorce. He lives in our house and I think she stays there a lot, I saw some of her things there last time I stopped to drop off my car payment and pick up mail. That really hurt but I know I deserve it. I just still love this man and want so much for our marriage to be saved. Do you think there is any chance? What should I doo?


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