# Anyone still able to be friends with the OW/OM after an Affair?



## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

My H had a affair at the end of last year with a former co-worker. We've been in counseling and things have gotten a lot better. I have been able to forgive the two of them. For a brief while, with my knowledge, my H was in contact with the OW but has since stopped talking with her again. The OW in the meantime has also contacted me - starting out to apologize, etc. and we've been emailing back and forth, and I have gotten to like her. She and I met the other day to just talk and it was a great time for us both. However, anytime there is a mention of the two families getting together, both my H and I have some fear within us. It's not a specific fear of my H and this OW, but just that something could happen to our marriage. Has anyone have any experience where they have managed to be friends with the OW/OM and how long did it take before the fear went away. One thing I did mention to my H was I didn't want to do the family friends thing until our marriage was stronger.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Should a recovering alcoholic spend time in a bar??


I think you're tempting fate, playing with fire. I'd like to recommend that you really think this all the way through---very
carefully.

I'm inclined to be highly suspicious of a former OW, who had no compunctions about sneaking around with your H, suddenly wanting to be your friend.

She may very well be using you to keep a foot in the door. She could be milking you for info about the state of your M, only to use that info to further her own agenda.

_"Won't you come into my parlor,said the Spider to the Fly..."_

Please be very careful.Things may not be as they seem.

Also, part of recovering from an affair, is putting it all behind you----how can you do that , if your families socialize together?


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## Imbwj (Jun 20, 2010)

It's unusual to become friends with the OW, I'm proud of you for being able to forgive your husband and befriend her. I think your friendship with her may be fine but I would like to suggest that involvement with the two family's may not be the best idea. Once a man and a woman step over that line and allow an emotional connection and intimacy to take place, it is extremely difficult to resist temptations down the road. Placing these two together in any way in my opinion should be discouraged, it only encourages possible temptation. The fact that they still work together should be reason for concern, and just because she is now your friend doesn't mean that she may not still be friendly with the H at work. Once trust is betrayed it usually takes years to regain that trust and I'm sure your H appreciates your trusting nature, it makes getting past this difficult time in both of your lives much easier. Hopefully that trust is well deserved, try to retain the trust but I would caution against being too naive. Your being friends with her is fine, but I would suggest you do all you can to keep the OW and your H away from each other as much as possible.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Some additional details - the affair was not "hidden" from either spouse during it. My H and the OW happened to be traveling together for 5 weeks and spent a lot of time together and as they say - things happened. It doesn't make it right and it still hurt me. And I'm not trying to downplay what happened between the two of them. And like I said, I don't know if we all can be friends again - my H isn't even sure he wants to be friends. I'm just curious if there is anyone out there that has managed to get over all of this and be friends with the OW/OM???


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Very bad idea. No contact creates a stronger marriage. Your husband is on the right track. Any contact you had brings back memories - and if troubles occur between you two, the memories tend to create a distance between you that make it much more difficult to overcome the problems. Put some distance between you and the Other Woman!!! IMHO


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree I dont think its a good idea I mean its not like it was some high school bs it was a full on afair right? No way you cant expect not to go close to the fire and sweat right! I would say its a bad idea and I think that your H knows that to because he is doubting it. follow that instinct of your H.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

not on your life, why, you have lots of friends, I'm sure you don't need the woman your husband was involved with in your life now.....just say you are not comfortable with that because of the circumstances, what is not to understand here....
Your husband knows what is right, listen to him, work on affair proofing your marriage and don't let people into that don't have your best interests at heart......


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I like Jitterbug's analogy of "an alcoholic in a bar." I admire your forgiving nature, but I think it's best if you find another couple to hang out with. Also, given the history, your husband is better off sticking with same-sex friendships.





Agreed I contimplated being friends again with the OW haha I cant even call her that cause it wasnt like that BUT no way its poisen in a marriage. STAY AWAY!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well, I know I am going against the grain but I can say I think it could be possible. I am not sure that I could make a new friendship with the OW my H had an A with but I'm not you. My H had an A with a good friend. So we had a friendship/history before. We have talked via text several times and have even began going out with mutual friends together again. Group of girls. (my H still has not seen or spoke to her) 

We used to do stuff together as families all the time. Will it ever be the way it was before, no. Am I ready to do that yet? Probably not. That will take time - more on the part of her H versus me. Will we even ever? Who knows. But I am okay with doing things socially with her time and again. Her family has recently experienced a tragedy and it made me realize, life is short and made it easier for me to forgive her. 

I understand the whole "alcoholics going to a bar thing", I truly do. However, I guess in my case - I truly understand that the reason my H had the A was because of what was lacking and wrong with our marriage. We understand that and are stronger than ever before. (yes, we've now become one of "those" couples - always happy, all over each other, etc. LOL)

So maybe I am naive and playing with fire as well but I think it may be possible.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

This is something I have asked myself before. I have talked to OM and he seems like a nice guy. Genuinely seems upset about the pain he has caused, has been more truthful than my wife. 

*BUT*

I'd have to punch him in the face the first time I actually meet him, and it would be a constant reminder of the affair. So, why would I do that to myself?


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