# I've been married under 2 years and it is so hard.



## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

I am really having a difficult time with marriage. I will quickly admit I am selfish. I got married for the first time at 48, after living alone for 10 years as well. I am getting more agreeable to having someone around all the time. That was perhaps the hardest part for me at first. Now I am finding that while I love my husband and want him in my life, I don't really like some things about him. We argue a lot about money. He is horrible at budgeting and spending. We just don't see eye to eye and it makes me nuts. He is also a bull of a conservative and a member of the tea party, etc....it embarrasses me at time. Also, I knew he had much needed dental work to plan for when we married, and crazy I know, I thought after some discussions he'd be willing to plan for it, but no. He doesnt seem to think it is all that impt apparently, at least he won't put his money behind it. My therapist suggested I go on and pay for it. While I suppose I can see my way to do that, I can't afford it. B/c we married late in life, we keep finances separate. I pay the mortgage, he pays everything else, that kind of thing. I also make more money than he does. But he is a good, caring man, faithful and can fix anything, and there is so much that is good about him, like he never fusses about a stray animal I bring home, we never fight about the AC and are both hot natured, he doesn't drink or go to bars with the guys. I always know where he is. He doesn't look at other women or disrespect me in anyway. He is quick to give a compliment and is affectionate. I don't know why I am so unhappy. The money thing (irresponsibilty, and the politics, and well, dental health, lack of concern for health period) really take a toll on me at times. I just don't have a good respect for him about a lot of things. He's very smart and could make more money, but he is not ambitious at all. I work more hours out of the home than he does. That begins to really get to me, when most days I leave and he is still asleep, and he gets home b4 or just after I do. I just feel very frustrated tonight. I actually googled " I love my husband but don't like him" and found this site. Lord help me! :scratchhead:


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

And anyone please feel free to give me imput and how to fix this. I want to be happy like we first were.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

oneonone said:


> We argue a lot about money. He is horrible at budgeting and spending. We just don't see eye to eye and it makes me nuts. He is also a bull of a conservative and a member of the tea party, etc....it embarrasses me at time. Also, I knew he had much needed dental work to plan for when we married, and crazy I know, I thought after some discussions he'd be willing to plan for it, but no.
> 
> He's very smart and could make more money, but he is not ambitious at all. I work more hours out of the home than he does. That begins to really get to me, when most days I leave and he is still asleep, and he gets home b4 or just after I do.


The things about your husband that bug you are important issues to you. I assume you knew he wasn't great at handling money, was ultra-conservative, needed dental work, and wasn't ambitious BEFORE you married him.

What you see is what you get.

He's perfectly fine with the way he is. You could make him your project and try to make him change the things that bother you. Or you could just let it go, and overlook what you don't like and focus on what you like.

The fact that you were independent for so long and able to navigate life on your own, probably means you are used to having things your way. Nothing wrong with that.

I think it's a matter of deciding why you got married, and if you can live with the stuff he brought into the marriage that bothers you. He may be willing to expend the effort to change if you sit down and discuss with him why it's bothering you.

I would suggest you steer clear of his political beliefs. People get their hackles up really fast when someone challenges their political and/or religious beliefs. So, I think you are stuck with a politically conservative person. You will probably also have to live with the fact that he doesn't care to be ambitious.

Healthcare, including the dental "thing" ... well, those are important issues because as we age, we need to be more mindful of our health. Try starting with this, and see how it goes.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

IMO, political beliefs are extremely important because it gives one insight as to what is important to them. If you're on different political wave lenghts and one is more...extreme than the other it will not end well.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> The things about your husband that bug you are important issues to you. I assume you knew he wasn't great at handling money, was ultra-conservative, needed dental work, and wasn't ambitious BEFORE you married him.
> 
> What you see is what you get.
> 
> ...



I think that is well said. Yes, I knew he was conservative but didnt realize how ultra conservative he was to be honest. I can live with that I suppose, and just stay away for it, except for when he argues with my friends who are liberals on FB and that is what embarrasses me. $$$$, well, I knew he was bad at managing it, but I was stupid enough to think that once we got married, and combined households, thus freeing up more money for both of us, that the bills would at least get paid on time. NOt so tho. He pays the utilities, I pay the mortgage. The utilities are always paid late I just found out. He is 2 months behind on ATT (which includes a big bundling package)> I didn't know this. I asked last month and he told me. He has a degree that he won't look at using, and instead does work that doesn't pay much (not going to get too personal here). I know he has the ability to bring in more. NO, he did not divulge to me when we were dating that he would not be willing to work in the field his degree is in. I was just told it's hard to find a job in that area. Now, the answer is he doesn't want to work in that field, and he has various reasons, that I won't bother to start here, but it is more about the job he has now offers more freedom and flexibility, kinda like being self employed. The other, well, he'd have to keep a schedule and answer to somebody...a lot like the job I have. I don't know what the answer is. I am so tired of being worried about money and us not having a savings or emergency fund. Thanks for the suggestions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's missing is communication. Set up one hour a week where you discuss how the marriage is getting along. Use that hour to say what you need and what you expect in a marriage. Let him do the same - I'm sure he has his own idea of how things should be. It should be a safe place to talk. Then go away and spend the rest of the week enjoying each other. If the same subjects keep coming up over and over (and the other person didn't take the hint to fix it), then you need to rise that issue to a higher level. Where you frankly say 'this isn't working for me - it's causing me to resent you and I don't want to do that. What can WE do about it so that both of us are ok?'

A simple one to try with would be letting him know you're embarrassed by his tirades on FB. Ask him to find other people to talk to about it other than your friends. Explain that that would be a show of respect on his part and you would love him for it. See what happens.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> What's missing is communication. Set up one hour a week where you discuss how the marriage is getting along. Use that hour to say what you need and what you expect in a marriage. Let him do the same - I'm sure he has his own idea of how things should be. It should be a safe place to talk. Then go away and spend the rest of the week enjoying each other. If the same subjects keep coming up over and over (and the other person didn't take the hint to fix it), then you need to rise that issue to a higher level. Where you frankly say 'this isn't working for me - it's causing me to resent you and I don't want to do that. What can WE do about it so that both of us are ok?'
> 
> A simple one to try with would be letting him know you're embarrassed by his tirades on FB. Ask him to find other people to talk to about it other than your friends. Explain that that would be a show of respect on his part and you would love him for it. See what happens.


:smthumbup: I like it. That sounds like good advice. I am very new to this site. I realize now that I prolly should have posted this question on the financial problems one. I've been over there reading posts and I have seen some from you there. I appreciate your response. I am thinking of trying that. We do need help. I DO want to be married to him, but I hate the conflict and growing resentment. Your plan sounds reasonable at least to start with. :lol:


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