# Saying I Love You



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Boyfriend finally told me he loves me after 6 months of our relationship. For a back story…he chased me for 8.5 years prior. When I finally fell for him, I told him I loved him. I’ve told him a number of times since and he never reciprocates. But he told me from day 1 that he just wasn’t ready…that those are big words for him. So I’ve been patient and never say anything about it.

So last weekend…without me saying anything…randomly…he told me, “I loved you still.” He didn’t tell me what the “still” meant, but I can only assume it was because he’s loved me a long time. He told me later that he knew he loved me about 6 years ago. Of course, we were on a ‘friend only” basis, but spent a lot of time together. 

Sooooooo….it’s been a week today and he’s not told me first since. I told him the next day before bed and he got silent for about a minute and finally said it back. I told him Monday when he was getting on a plane…and he said it back immediately. But nothing since. 

I’ve been the one telling him since April and it’s painful to not hear it back so I only say it every now and then. And I’ve not said it any this week because it seems to make him clam up and that makes me feel uncomfortable.
I know some people are not real verbal with “I love you”….but it would be nice to hear it sometimes (everyday would be normal to me).

How common is this????? I know he told me a while back (random conversation we were having) that he only recalls his dad telling him he loved him once growing up. Not sure about his mom.

Is this learned?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Mine is like that - unless he's leaving the house before me. Then he will say it first. I normally say it first before bed because I fall asleep before he does. We've gotten in to this cute routine tho, I say I love you and he says it back and leans in and kisses me goodnight. He said it first, originally and I didn't say it back. I responded with 'yeah'. After about 3 weeks, we talked about it. Give him time? It was huge for the both of us and the family that he was raised in - I don't really hear any of them say it much. Me and my family, we say it with every goodbye.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

It’s tough. I grew up with a lot of I Love You being said. Past relationships and my past marriage as well. 
I understand that actions speak louder than words, but…..I feel when someone is “feeling” it, they are more apt to say it. So not hearing it makes me feel like he’s not feeling it. 

’m not whining…just trying to understand.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> How common is this?????


I personally am not like you describe, even in my newer relationships way back when.

However, I know that it's not exactly a rare thing.
Some men aren't always comfortable saying those words (or _any_ feeling words).

I suggest you be open about what you need and give him a chance to meet you halfway. You'll have to give a little too I suspect.
If he doesn't then you'll have to decide if it's enough or not.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> Is this learned?


This is a tougher question. I think in some cases it is, but not always. In my case I had parents who were not very vocal with ILY, even to the point that I don't recall _any_ from Dad and very rare from Mom. And yet I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I think in my case, other personality issues (insecurities and self-esteem issues) and my early-life girlfriends caused me to 'reach' for external validation by verbalizing/projecting. ie... I need reassurance so I say the words. I suspect that's very much what you are doing, although maybe not for the same reasons.

Anyway, to answer your question with my pov, I say "No", it's not always a learned behavior.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I personally am not like you describe, even in my newer relationships way back when.
> 
> However, I know that it's not exactly a rare thing.
> Some men aren't always comfortable saying those words (or _any_ feeling words).
> ...


I give a LOT. Probably too much. Lol. I am very doting and lift him up daily. 

I am extremely loving and he’s commented that it’s a lot.
I asked him months back what his love language is and he said he didn’t know. But - he gives me his time, cooks for me, takes me places….so maybe that’s his love language. I also give him my time and cook for him. We are both great child and mesh together very well.

He warned me from the beginning that he’s not very affectionate…so I also deal with that.
But I love him deeply and wouldn’t trade him for the world.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I am the same way, with kisses too.

Some things I just like to reserve for special moments and don't want it routine, this includes ILUs and kisses. 

My ex also wanted routine ILUs and kisses so I compromised for her, but it didn't come naturally to me and in the end she decided it wasn't enough for her. 

And there's a reason for that, we've broken up now but she showered me with routine crap up until the last minute when we broke up. My affection may not be routine, but it was genuine. Perhaps change your perspective?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXSDR said:


> I give a LOT. Probably too much. Lol. I am very doting and lift him up daily.
> 
> I am extremely loving and he’s commented that it’s a lot.
> I asked him months back what his love language is and he said he didn’t know. But - he gives me his time, cooks for me, takes me places….so maybe that’s his love language. I also give him my time and cook for him. We are both great child and mesh together very well.
> ...


Yes, you sound like my ex. It's strange but I have noticed couples like you and your bf, me and my ex, seems common when one just has alot of love to give and the other may not able to reciprocate enough.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Also, it's not that he's not feeling it, when I was with my ex I always loved her, but the moment may be crap, he may be pissed at something, and in such instances he may simply not be the guy who can put all that aside and tell you lovey doveys in such a mood.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Yes. Routine. My husband hates things to be done in routine. He says that this makes them forced. He is very affectionate though, on the other hand. He holds my leg or my hand when we are in the car. When we are at home watching tv, same thing. When he gets up to go anywhere from the spot that we are sitting in, he will give me a kiss before he walks away.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> I give a LOT. Probably too much. Lol. I am very doting and lift him up daily.
> 
> I am extremely loving and he’s commented that it’s a lot.
> I asked him months back what his love language is and he said he didn’t know. But - he gives me his time, cooks for me, takes me places….so maybe that’s his love language. I also give him my time and cook for him. We are both great child and mesh together very well.
> ...


I'm the same. I want my person to feel and know that I love them. So sometimes, I do too much.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. Routine. My husband hates things to be done in routine. He says that this makes them forced. He is very affectionate though, on the other hand. He holds my leg or my hand when we are in the car. When we are at home watching tv, same thing. When he gets up to go anywhere from the spot that we are sitting in, he will give me a kiss before he walks away.


It just ruins it 🙄

At least you can appreciate the affection your husband gives you, I wasn't enough for mine, nor exwife a decade ago.

Maybe I should avoid women like you guys 😅


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Is this the guy that told you he’s not attracted to you and dances with other women in front of you when you’re out together? If so, I don’t know why you’re still hanging onto this guy.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> It just ruins it 🙄
> 
> At least you can appreciate the affection your husband gives you, I wasn't enough for mine, nor exwife a decade ago.
> 
> Maybe I should avoid women like you guys 😅


I've thought about becoming a lesbian but uhm.... nope. God wants me to suffer with the opposite sex    I do appreciate the affection that he does give me. Which its about constantly so that's why I become worrysome when he gets distant. Girl brains suck, you know


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

It's sad that people either don't love passionately enough to say "I love you" or are unable to express that. Some men may be living the stoic male stereotype. Dunno.

I love my wife passionately after more than 46 years of getting to know each other, living together and marriage. Sometimes I feel like I could explode with the emotion. I do not say "I love you" routinely, but save it for moments where I am expressing my passion. Which is usually a quiet moment without distraction.

On the other hand, I don't think my wife has directly told me that she loves me more than half a dozen times. More often it is in response to my telling her. "And I love you to the moon and back."

Different people have learned different ways of expressing themselves or feeling uncomfortable with being what may feel vulnerable, I guess.

We share warm moments of lip lock as greeting. I usually initiate.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Words are meaningless. It’s all about actions.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Words are meaningless. It’s all about actions.


For sure you're right that actions are the biggest thing that counts. But in healthy relationships, words do matter also.

Once trust between partners is lost, then words are totally and fully meaningless.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

SCDad01 said:


> Words are meaningless. It’s all about actions.


I don't agree. Words should be backed up with action, though. If words and actions don't agree then the words are probably meaningless.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Julie's Husband said:


> I don't agree. Words should be backed up with action, though. If words and actions don't agree then the words are probably meaningless.


Someone can say I love you and not mean it. Like “I love my car”. But I don’t. But how someone treats you shows you their heart.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I came from a home where the ilu's we're rare. Can't ever remember my dad or mom actually saying it. I suppose due to this I became a very vocal person on saying and hearing this in relationships for validation and security reasons. I've always been passively affectionate in my marriage, example: I will hold my wife's hand or touch her leg while driving, maybe leaning over to sneak a kiss at a stop, or just kiss her hand. My family weren't huggers either. It took many years for me to relax hugging her family as they were affectionate. I always played a little I love you game with our daughter growing up. I didn't want her to grow up in an emotionally sterile life like I did. I tell my wife I love her many times a day. When I feel invited to do so, I'll put my head in her lap while watching a movie or something.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Julie's Husband said:


> I don't agree. Words should be backed up with action, though. If words and actions don't agree then the words are probably meaningless.


I agree with you, 100%. My husband and I have our ups and our very lows - but at the end of the day. I know that he does love me by his actions and the words that he speaks around the actions. If he didn't have the actions to go with the words - I wouldn't believe a thing that he says.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think it is nice the odd time to be told but the most important is to know from their actions , and most important times is last time at night or early morning


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> My affection may not be routine, but it was genuine. Perhaps change your perspective?


I think his is genuine. And ironically he’s routine with everything else in his life.



BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. Routine. My husband hates things to be done in routine. He says that this makes them forced. He is very affectionate though, on the other hand. He holds my leg or my hand when we are in the car. When we are at home watching tv, same thing. When he gets up to go anywhere from the spot that we are sitting in, he will give me a kiss before he walks away.


Mine kisses me when he gets up in the a.m. after he brushes his teeth and/or when he brings me coffee. He’s not a coffee drinker and is the first person to ever make me coffee AND bring it to me in bed. Ex husband would never in a million years. Lol.

So he does show his love by actions.



*Deidre* said:


> Is this the guy that told you he’s not attracted to you and dances with other women in front of you when you’re out together? If so, I don’t know why you’re still hanging onto this guy.


Yup…that’s him. Lol

I’ll never understand that. It was only one time and he didn’t dance with her. He danced up to her. Terrible. But he’s gotten so much better.

I work tolerate that mess againhe said 



SCDad01 said:


> Words are meaningless. It’s all about actions.


He told me that me booking a flight and flying alone to see him at his job out of state (facing my fears - I hate flying) was a big deal to him. He said he knew I was serious at that point. He’s had some bad experiences in the past as well and I guess is one of those really guarded ones.

The night hefinally told me he loves me was the night he told me about the above. Thats when he said, “Actions speak louder than words.” 
I’m learning him


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TXSDR said:


> I think his is genuine. And ironically he’s routine with everything else in his life.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m really glad to read that he’s treating you better. Remember, don’t ever settle. 😌


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’ve never run across any man who had trouble with that so I’d say that’s just who he is.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, you sound like my ex. It's strange but I have noticed couples like you and your bf, me and my ex, seems common when one just has alot of love to give and the other may not able to reciprocate enough.


Should I stop with all the doting?

Help!


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m really glad to read that he’s treating you better. Remember, don’t ever settle. 😌


I’m shocked that I tolerated that one night. And ShOCKED even more that he behaved that way. Still makes me ill. 

But he’s been by my side for 9 years now and is a genuine soul. I feel I need to give him some time to unfold. He’s been crumpled up by my side all this time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXSDR said:


> Should I stop with all the doting?
> 
> Help!


Don't stop, unless it's draining on you. Just be you, and there's a reason why hes with you.

If you can appreciate how he expresses his love, even if its not to your standards and you are fine with that then all good.

With my ex when she told me she didn't feel loved she asked me what do I do that makes her feel loved. When I replied what I do she just said "that's just my expectations" 🙄

I've never replied to that question since, and the last time she asked me that (when we broke up) I told her I'm done proving my love for her and she has to decide if it's enough.

As your relationship has not progressed to that point, you should be fine.

The thing is, she did make me feel not good enough with her complaints in this. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but be warned as although he won't show it, he has needs as well, to feel that he's enough for you as a partner.

If he doesn't, he may withdraw, which is the opposite of what you want.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Don't stop, unless it's draining on you. Just be you, and there's a reason why hes with you.
> 
> If you can appreciate how he expresses his love, even if its not to your standards and you are fine with that then all good.
> 
> ...


I hope I make him feel like he’s enough. I’m certain I do. But I’ll have to find a way to ask.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t say it a lot. It’s corny sounding. I show her instead of telling.


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

It was mu


TXSDR said:


> Boyfriend finally told me he loves me after 6 months of our relationship. For a back story…he chased me for 8.5 years prior. When I finally fell for him, I told him I loved him. I’ve told him a number of times since and he never reciprocates. But he told me from day 1 that he just wasn’t ready…that those are big words for him. So I’ve been patient and never say anything about it.
> 
> So last weekend…without me saying anything…randomly…he told me, “I loved you still.” He didn’t tell me what the “still” meant, but I can only assume it was because he’s loved me a long time. He told me later that he knew he loved me about 6 years ago. Of course, we were on a ‘friend only” basis, but spent a lot of time together.
> 
> ...


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

KayJC said:


> It was mu


Mu?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Some people are good with I love you's and some are not but I think a person needs to ask more questions and dig a little deeper rather than assume. I think women give men a easy pass when it comes to emotions as we have been told and read over and again that men are not in touch with their emotions. Well, sad but true this is part of the problem. I think a person, male or female has to be i n touch with their emotions to be able to give to another person. If you give this man a total pass you might just find that he has only been in this part way and years down the road you will understand he never had it to give in the fist place.


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Mu?


Sorry, I hit wrong key and all was totally erased without my realizing what had happened. Will get back with you and complete that "mu."


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Boyfriend finally told me he loves me after 6 months of our relationship. For a back story…he chased me for 8.5 years prior. When I finally fell for him, I told him I loved him. I’ve told him a number of times since and he never reciprocates. But he told me from day 1 that he just wasn’t ready…that those are big words for him. So I’ve been patient and never say anything about it.
> 
> So last weekend…without me saying anything…randomly…he told me, “I loved you still.” He didn’t tell me what the “still” meant, but I can only assume it was because he’s loved me a long time. He told me later that he knew he loved me about 6 years ago. Of course, we were on a ‘friend only” basis, but spent a lot of time together.
> 
> ...



Either he genuinely loves you and doesn't like saying it, or he doesn't and feels obligated to say it.

Either your feelings are reciprocated or they're not.

Maybe your relationship isn't as it seems...for him.


It's been 8.5 years of chasing and you rejecting him.

Now that you two are in a relationship now, maybe he finds the two of you to be incompatible.



If you see him cringing, and silently looking like he's wishing and praying that you don't say it, saying it only because you said it.....

It may be an indication that he's not genuinely into you.


Some people don't like saying it. It makes alot of people uncomfortable.


If you genuinely need to hear it often, and if you have to question it, wrecking your brain, stressing about it ....



Then this isn't probably the right relationship for you.


You question it, because you subconsciously know that he doesn't feel it..nor has his actions been reflective of that.


Perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.

It makes you feel good to hear it, and hear it often. He doesn't feel that way. It doesn't feel good to him to say it or hear it...from all or just from you.

You should be able to feel the love and know it.

You should feel confident and secure in the relationship and with the person you're with.


It sounds like you aren't either.

It sounds like you're questioning whether he truly wants to be with you.


Don't have a conversation with him and communicate that you need for him to say it and say it often..or try to force it from him.

That's being selfish, that's begging for something that may not be there and that's not respecting your boyfriend.

Clearly, he doesn't want to.

Stop trying to force it out of him. Stop saying it to him. You see that he doesn't like it or want to say it.



Just end things, and find someone that you're compatible with and your feelings are genuinely reciprocated.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

KindBuddha said:


> Hello OP,
> 
> When you have needs in a serious relationship--actually in any relationship, romantic or otherwise--it's important to recognize the value of clearly communicating those needs to your partner. That doesn't mean you are forced to communicate those needs; it does mean that you should seriously think about whether you are being sufficiently clear and unambiguous in your communications to your partner, about those needs.
> 
> ...


The dynamics are crazy.
He chased me for 8.5 years and I finally fell hard for him back in March. He was happy I did, but his behavior has been mostly different than I’d expect in this relationship. We’ve spent those previous 8.5 years as friends. He wanted more - I want attracted to him. Crazy huh??????

So the comment about not being attracted to me was in August and it was in response to me inquiring due to some sex issues. I simply don’t understand why he wanted me for so long if he wasn’t attracted to me. Unless he lost the attraction. He doesn’t like talking about any of it. And that’s upsetting to me because from day 1 he said he needed to talk about everything and never let anything fester. But…that’s not been the case since the first month. 

I honestly don’t know UFC’s he holds resentment or what. I think he does any many aspects…but he denies it. 

He talks about our future often…things like “next heart we can…” or “when we are old…” stuff like that…often. 

We live in Texas, but he works in the west coast. Sometimes we see each other every weekend. Sometimes we see each other for a week or two straight. We see each other a LOT…just nit when he’s out of state (though I did fly to spend a week with him reverently when he had to stay in a job longer than intended). That was actually the trip he told me told him that I was serious about this relationship. Because I fire by myself and flying is a big fear of mine. He told me that’s what made him finalky open up with the ILY. 

It’s just so weird though…he just talks to me like we are friends most of the time…but calls me back. NEVER compliments to unless it’s about my work I do. 

He says I’m all he needs and that I’m enough for him. But I keep the “nit attracted” thing in my head all the time. Even though I feel confident in myself sometimes…I still feel unattractive to him. He gives me NOTHING in that front.

As for the dancing up to the girl…he still denies it (it even vaguely got brought up today). 

He downed drink real iften, but when he does…he drinks a good 12 pack and walks around like a peacock and all flirty and charismatic. He didn’t do that when we were just friends. I do know that he withheld a lot then, though. 

I want to trust him…but after that night, I’m scared he would do something when drunk. He was drunk that night. And did that in front of me.

it’s funny you mention the sabotaging. I’ve thought that 100 times. I used to tell my friends that he was subconsciously sabotaging our relationship. I even asked him before and he said he didn’t think so. 
I’m trying to find a good time to talk to him about all off this. Oddly (he’s generally a good talker) he didn’t take well to my discussions about all of this.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> Either he genuinely loves you and doesn't like saying it, or he doesn't and feels obligated to say it.
> 
> Either your feelings are reciprocated or they're not.
> 
> ...


Him saying it last weekend was all him. He told me all on his own. I hadn’t told him in quite a while. 

He told me literally from day 1 that those 3 words are not words he just throws around. 

He may not think we are compatible. I’m not sure. But I to him that same night that he and I are coming together very nicely and he thoroughly agreed. 

I think I’m too doting and too available. I’ll always hear at his beck and call and always happy and chipper. (Unless he has me upset.)

He’s quiet and wakes up a bit grouchy…where I wake up happy.

he doesn’t have to stay in this relationship. I’ve asked him a few times if he’s sure he wants this and he alway says yes.

He’s liked me since we were in high school. We are 49 and 50. We both married other people and went through awful divorces. We were the ones left.

On one hand I feel like I’m not what he thought he was getting or he’s sabotaging due to his insecurities.

He told me a while back that he’d chase me to the end of the earth.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The important thing is that you aren't happy and you need to make up your mind, decide based on who he is now, not who you want him to be or who he was or whatever.

When ex and I broke up I was the one who pushed her away and called a break, days later, we broke up for real but her mind was clear and decisive, she knew she can't go back and she knew what she wanted for her future. Is it sabotage? Perhaps, but in the end I did us a favor, even if I'm still recovering from it.

If you are happy to settle with what you got, then disregard this, but it's up to you. You know your own happiness level in this relationship.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Him saying it last weekend was all him. He told me all on his own. I hadn’t told him in quite a while.
> 
> He told me literally from day 1 that those 3 words are not words he just throws around.
> 
> ...



I read your post from August.

Are things better since then??

Why do you want to remain in this relationship? It sounds terrible.

Why have you stayed?

Does he still have an extreme wandering eye and still look at other women frequently right in front of you?


Does he still project his insecurities onto you?

Do you still only spend weekends together?

Does he still not compliment you on anything other than work related rarely??


Is he still extremely insecure?


Does he still neglect you sexually and emotionally?


I see that he admitted that he's not attracted to you, are you okay with this?



From what I read, on previous post..


He doesn't love you.


You admitted that he has said that he's "trying" to love you.


You two aren't sexually compatible.


It sounds like he's only with you because he's insecure, and thinks you're the best or the only one that he can get ...so he's settling for you...

Even though he's settling for you, he doesn't put in any or much effort into making things work.


Are you settling for him too? You don't feel highly of yourself and think you can't do any better as well????


It sounds like you perhaps "willed" and "forced" yourself to feel something for him.



You deserve better.

You're worth it.

This relationship isn't it.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> I read your post from August.
> 
> Are things better since then?? YES
> 
> ...


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> I read your post from August.
> 
> Are things better since then??
> 
> ...


I responded, but in the comment above this one. I responded to toe questions after each question.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This sounds much like what I just come out of. I think your gut is telling you something is not right but you are questioning yourself. His lack of emotional engagement makes you feel that he sees you still as a friend. he may have chased you and you spend all the time together as mentioned but it does not sound like you are getting your needs met emotionally from this relationship. Are you hoping that things are going to change for him and a lightbulb is going to go off one day and then he will be emotionally open with you? That more likely will not happen. Are you staying because you feel comfortable with this man and like him? That can be the hardest part sometimes, we find someone that we feel we click with and actually like and perhaps it is mutual but there is not enough there on the part of one person to become anything more. I think the hardest relationships to turn into long term are ones that start as friends.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Each post of yours mirror the others (if true) and goes deeper in detail about the absolutely terrible relationship that you're in, and the further escapades of a disrespectful, neglectful, lying, "checked out" partner that clearly isn't right for you, nor genuinely interested in you..but you stay.

You're his reliable backup plan that will always be there.

Why do you stay?

Is it the loneliness and very low self esteem that you have that prevents you from knowing that you deserve better, and going for better?


Why do you post on here, if you have no intentions of leaving him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TXSDR said:


> Boyfriend finally told me he loves me after 6 months of our relationship. For a back story…he chased me for 8.5 years prior. When I finally fell for him, I told him I loved him. I’ve told him a number of times since and he never reciprocates. But he told me from day 1 that he just wasn’t ready…that those are big words for him. So I’ve been patient and never say anything about it.
> 
> So last weekend…without me saying anything…randomly…he told me, “I loved you still.” He didn’t tell me what the “still” meant, but I can only assume it was because he’s loved me a long time. He told me later that he knew he loved me about 6 years ago. Of course, we were on a ‘friend only” basis, but spent a lot of time together.
> 
> ...


It's very common for both sexes to feel awkward about saying I love you because it really is kind of mushy and if you are grown adults you are probably more inclined to show your love in more tangible ways.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> Each post of yours mirror the others (if true) and goes deeper in detail about the absolutely terrible relationship that you're in, and the further escapades of a disrespectful, neglectful, lying, "checked out" partner that clearly isn't right for you, nor genuinely interested in you..but you stay.
> 
> You're his reliable backup plan that will always be there.
> 
> ...


Because I can’t type up the complete dynamics of our relationship.

Why do I stay? Because I love him and we are connected much more than my posts have explained.

He simply gas never been loved this much before and he’s not a mushy or affectionate person. 
Why do I post here? Same reason 100% of the others do. To talk and vent and get opinions. 

I don’t think he’s a liar. He’s actually brutally honest. His honesty and bluntness are two of his big traits.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> This sounds much like what I just come out of. I think your gut is telling you something is not right but you are questioning yourself. His lack of emotional engagement makes you feel that he sees you still as a friend. he may have chased you and you spend all the time together as mentioned but it does not sound like you are getting your needs met emotionally from this relationship. Are you hoping that things are going to change for him and a lightbulb is going to go off one day and then he will be emotionally open with you? That more likely will not happen. Are you staying because you feel comfortable with this man and like him? That can be the hardest part sometimes, we find someone that we feel we click with and actually like and perhaps it is mutual but there is not enough there on the part of one person to become anything more. I think the hardest relationships to turn into long term are ones that start as friends.


Ours started as friends. 

Yes to your questions.

My gut screams at me daily…but I sometimes think it’s trauma from my marriage/divorce from many years back.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXSDR said:


> Because I can’t type up the complete dynamics of our relationship.
> 
> Why do I stay? Because I love him and we are connected much more than my posts have explained.
> 
> ...


Your choice what you choose to settle with.
I decided to settle with my ex's nagging, even though over the years I ended up resenting her more and more for it. It's so annoying and she reminded me of my dad when she did it, very longwinded, and my dad is someone I cut out mostly from my life.

Ex and I fought over this for years, made up, fought over it again, I ended up treating it like her regular time of the month instead of a glaring red flag and she ended up resenting me too.

Just a warning.

Sometimes, love just isn't enough. And that is ok.



> I don’t think he’s a liar. He’s actually brutally honest. His honesty and bluntness are two of his big traits.


Except he's not honest when it comes to that night.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TXSDR said:


> Ours started as friends.
> 
> Yes to your questions.
> 
> My gut screams at me daily…but I sometimes think it’s trauma from my marriage/divorce from many years back.


I understand. Can you see any similarities between your ex and the man you are dating now? Was your ex also avoidant of meeting your emotional needs? We tend to repeat ourselves in relationships based on our childhood unfortunately. Were either of your parents like your boyfriend? What was your reaction to that parent? More than likely you tart looking back you will find your answers to why you are in this today.

I will give you an example....my mom was a heavy drinker and did not really take care of me and my sister. My grandmother had a big role in our upbringing and my dad was the main caregiver. It was my dad who made sure we were up in the morning and had breakfast. He was the one who played games with us, spent time with us and talked to us when we had done wrong. My mom was actually quite hateful to most people in her life including my father. My mom would try to bring my sister in on arguments between my mom and dad. My sister and I learned we had to shut up and mind our business. I would either go to my room and read or find something to do outside. I have continued in my life to find partners like my mother...emotionally unavailable, willing to place blame without seeing their own actions and being accountable for their own behavior, someone who cannot express emotions....basically manipulative Users. My reaction when there is conflict is to shut up. I will say I have done better as I have gotten older but I am still working at this. 

Don't make excuses for this man. You deserve to have your needs met and as hard as it may be to let go of someone you truly care for remember relationships need to be reciprocal.


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