# I'm venting and blogging



## boringwife (Jun 29, 2014)

First off…I just wanna say…we have a 9 month old daughter. I have PPD. My husband and I drive each other crazy. It’s mostly my fault. I really don’t know how to deal with my husband any more. I love him and I hate him. He can’t stand hearing me ***** about crap and I can’t stand dealing and cleaning up his crap.
I’m not gonna give much detail on what started the fight. Other than the fact that I came home from work. Went into the kitchen and started *****ing about something. My husband put our baby in her pack n play and stormed into the kitchen and threw a big fit. Because he’s sick of hearing me ***** about ****. He didn’t do anything physical to me……he just threw **** around and got verbally abusive with me. (mean while…our baby is in her pack n play screaming her head off because no one is paying attention to her.) 
He’s always been verbally abusive with me. And I never do. He’s always cursing at me and calling me bad cursing names. Every time we fight…I always end balling my eyes out…because he is so much meaner to me than I am to him. He expects someone to just clean up after his crap and wipe his butt because that’s how he was raised.

I really don’t know how to calmly and politely tell him that I don’t like something he does. Because if I do say something…he’s gonna throw a big fit. I don’t know how to calmly and politely tell him that he needs to clean up after himself. He’s kind of like a spoiled child….you tell him “no” and he throws a fit. If he hears you *****ing about him to yourself….he goes mad! 

My husband tells me that I should just deal with the issues that I have with him. The thing is….I DO just deal with the issues I have with him. I try to keep my emotions and comments to myself. Just to avoid fighting. Problem is….if I don’t say anything then issues don’t get resolved. They just keep happening….over and over.

Now, I just wanna lay this out on the table….my husband and I have been bf/gf for 16 years. I got pregnant last year and we finally got married. He’s 39 and I’ll be37 in October. Before our baby came along…..we got along fine. 

I feel like I don’t know how to be a wife to him. I don’t know how to communicate things to him without pissing him off and starting a war. I feel like leaving him half the time. But, I don’t’ want to….for our daughter’s sake. You can’t make a person change for you unless they want to. And if you change for your spouse but no changes from them….what’s the point? How can a marriage be a one way street? Both of us are either regretting each other or resenting each other.


I realize threating him with divorce is not the answer. We need to seek a marriage counselor. Because even though I hate him and he hates me….we still love each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you cannot get him to go to MC with you, you need to go to counseling on your own. There are things that you can change about yourself that would help.

When you say that he does not pick up after himself, what is it that he is not doing?

Do you work full time?
Does he help out equally with your child and with house hold chores?


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## boringwife (Jun 29, 2014)

Hi Elegirl. I’m not gonna specify what happened. My constant complaining is what triggered him to loose his temper and throw crap around.
It could be anything big or little things that I’m trying to not complain about. For example not flushing the toilet after he goes pee. Or putting his dirty clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket. Or replacing the battery in the smoke detector because I’m to short. Or leaving your dirty dishes on the counter instead of putting them in the sink. If I don’t’ complain about things then our environment is fine and, I end up cleaning up after him. And if I don’t complain about the little things then they will continue to happen. I’ve mentioned to him countless times about many things that just continue on. After being with someone for 17 years…..all the little things become tiresome and tedious. Sometimes….it’s the little things that matter and makes one want to appreciate what they have. I am now to the point where I don’t know how to politely ask him or tell him to clean up after himself without him throwing a big fit. And when we fight about anything and everything….i just want to leave and run away from him to where maybe he’ll get some peace and quiet. 

I work part time in retail. So, I’m home most of the time. He does help equally with the chores. I take care of cleaning the house and he takes care of all the major things like mow the lawn or shovels the snow or fix things that are broken. And he helps me out with the baby on the nights that I work.

Like I said….he’s always had someone to pick up after him and wipe his butt. So, that being said….I don’t know how to politely ask or tell him to clean up after himself. I’m not good at “putting on the kid gloves” and mentioning the little issues that bother me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

boringwife said:


> Hi Elegirl. I’m not gonna specify what happened. My constant complaining is what triggered him to loose his temper and throw crap around.
> It could be anything big or little things that I’m trying to not complain about. For example not flushing the toilet after he goes pee. Or putting his dirty clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket. Or replacing the battery in the smoke detector because I’m to short. Or leaving your dirty dishes on the counter instead of putting them in the sink. If I don’t’ complain about things then our environment is fine and, I end up cleaning up after him. And if I don’t complain about the little things then they will continue to happen. I’ve mentioned to him countless times about many things that just continue on. After being with someone for 17 years…..all the little things become tiresome and tedious. Sometimes….it’s the little things that matter and makes one want to appreciate what they have. I am now to the point where I don’t know how to politely ask him or tell him to clean up after himself without him throwing a big fit. And when we fight about anything and everything….i just want to leave and run away from him to where maybe he’ll get some peace and quiet.
> 
> I work part time in retail. So, I’m home most of the time. He does help equally with the chores. I take care of cleaning the house and he takes care of all the major things like mow the lawn or shovels the snow or fix things that are broken. And he helps me out with the baby on the nights that I work.
> ...


Thanks for sharing the things you did as they help a lot. While I think he’s wrong in not picking up after himself, I think you need to stop nagging him about this stuff. There are better ways to handle it.

If he does not flush, just flush it. If he puts his clothing on the floor next to the basket, just put it in the basket. These are tiny things. Annoying, yes. But tiny. 

My bet is that he’s doing at least some of them as a passive aggressive way to annoy you. Putting his dirty close on the floor next to the basket screams passive aggressive. You nag him because he does this. And now he does this because you nag him. It’s a vicious cycle. It takes two to play the passive aggressive game. So just stop nagging him about things.

One thing I did in a similar situation, where he left his things all over the house, was that I put baskets in areas around the house. When I picked up, I put his junk in basket. I no longer put his things way. When he asked there they were, I’d say “probably in your basket”. If he never puts just basket junk away, so what… it’s like an adult toy box.

I don’t do laundry for anyone over the age of 10. I taught my kids to do laundry when they turned 10. I’ve never done my husband’s laundry. I bought them all those soft sided, foldable hampers for their closet. When they want clean clothing they do their own laundry. This ended the hassle about his laundry on the floor. I just dumped in it HIS hamper, or if I’m in a rush I just kick it onto the floor of HIS closet.

You need to find solutions that minimize your work. And then stop nagging.


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