# I am still sitting here.....going what?



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Dated this one guy off and on for awhile. Last night he spent the night, no sex was ever promised by myself. I got ready for bed and put PJ's on. He told me I wasn't to sleep with them on. I pretty much said, why not? He said, " if you sleep with them on I am not taking my jeans and shirt off to sleep". 

I said that that was being unreasonable. So, he slept with all his clothes on. Really this is more of a rant then needing advice because after that stupid behavior I deem him a total idiot!

Why do I attract the broken, weird, screwed up men?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Is sleeping in the same bed but no sex your idea or his? (or am I misunderstanding the situation).


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are putting on your jeans so you can run away from this fool. Did he want you to sleep butt naked? This is not a serious relationship, right? I mean you don't live together and sleep together all the time?

Or maybe he was hoping for some sex. By you putting on the pjs, you are saying "NO" sex. But if you are naked, he might be able to work his way into a yes. Yep, thats what i think. 

So you got punished by him sleeping with his clothes on. Hope it was comfy for him. Hope he wasn't wearing a skinny jeans.:grin2:


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Sleeping in the same bed last night with no sex was my idea and he knew it before spending the night. It was just going to be a cuddle night since since we had sex the prior two days.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Tomara said:


> Sleeping in the same bed last night with no sex was my idea and he knew it before spending the night. It was just going to be a cuddle night since since we had sex the prior two days.


that is a comment I don't get. I get your right to choose not to have sex, but to squash any concept of having sex since you had it the prior two days seems silly to me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think Intheory is right. The generally assumption (unless something other is agreed) is that if you sleep in the same bed sex is implied. That doesn't mean that you *have* to have sex, or that you can't say no - you can ALWAYS refuse sex at any time. But - it is the expectation. 

What is the big deal with clothes? My wife and I have always slept naked in bed since we first slept together when we were dating.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Intheory this is someone I have been exclusive with for six plus months. Yes we have had a few breaks because of his behavior. Not a man I pick up off the street a couple of days ago. 

I totally disagree that sleeping in the same bed implies getting laid and certainly not when discussed prior to the day.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

What is the big deal with sleeping with pj's on? I don't feel comfortable sleeping naked, what if the house is on fire and I have to run outside lol. Clothes or no clothes, it's the fact that he acted like a child and slept with his jeans and shirt on all night.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

> Originally Posted by Tomara<br />
> Sleeping in the same bed last night with no sex was my idea and he knew it before spending the night. It was just going to be a cuddle night since since we had sex the prior two days.


<br />
<br />
that is a comment I don't get. I get your right to choose not to have sex, but to squash any concept of having sex since you had it the prior two days seems silly to me.

Wearing pj's does not squash having sex as they can be removed. I however have the right to say no whenever I choose.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I do believe it's your right to sleep in whatever is comfortable. I'm not a nude sleeper, either. It's not an indication as to whether or not sex will occur. 

BUT to have already made up your mind sex two nights in a row is sufficient and state it won't happen, is also childish. Maybe he'll make a move and you don't feel into it. 

He did act childish; he was hoping if you were naked it would be hard to say no and his behavior was manipulative. Run from this one. And next guy wear cute/sexy PJs and if the mood strikes one night and not the other, OK; and if the mood strikes for 2 weeks straight, OK.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Being called childish because I didn't want sex is really not appropriate. In saying this you imply all women that say no to sex a particular night is childish. This is not true. Oh and they were cute sexy pj's, not frumpy in the least.

Why focus on my saying no when the issue was his behavior? Don't get it.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

I'm confused...this guy isn't your BF, you had sex with him 2 days before, but last night it was just to cuddle & no sex? What is it you want out of this guy? Why have you been off & on with him but still keep having sex? Is it just for the sex? If so, why play this game? If you want a relationship with this guy this is not the way the go about it. When you are "off & on" with someone & keep having sex with them you become a f*ck buddy. If you want him to look at you as something more after you've been "off" then you need to take sex out of the equation completely & work on why things didn't work the last time. Stop the back & forth. Either fix it or move on. Or keep him for the sex/companionship but recognize it for what it is & quit the games. If you don't want a relationship then why not have sex last night too? What is the point?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Being called childish because I didn't want sex is really not appropriate. In saying this you imply all women that say no to sex a particular night is childish. This is not true. Oh and they were cute sexy pj's, not frumpy in the least.
> 
> Why focus on my saying no when the issue was his behavior? Don't get it.


I said it was both of you. I find it odd that you decided before bedtime that you weren't interested. How do you know? Did you give it a chance? It just sounded like you made up your mind that X number of times was enough therefore zero tonight. Instead of just letting a more natural ebb and flow happen. 

Don't you just go to bed and kiss, cuddle and talk and unless you have a raging headache or something, let nature take it's course?  It was the predetermination I found odd. It seemed hot/cold.

His reaction to your PJs was childish and his attempt to manipulate you reprehensible. I just found your having already decided no sex based on two prior nights to be strange.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Tomara said:


> <br />
> <br />
> that is a comment I don't get. I get your right to choose not to have sex, but to squash any concept of having sex since you had it the prior two days seems silly to me.
> 
> Wearing pj's does not squash having sex as they can be removed. I however have the right to say no whenever I choose.


Pls reread word for word what you posted. You specifically stated no sex due to sex the prior 2 days. 

I agree pjs can come off, etc. I was just pointing out something I feel is 'off'.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Tomara said:


> What is the big deal with sleeping with pj's on? I don't feel comfortable sleeping naked, what if the house is on fire and I have to run outside lol. Clothes or no clothes, it's the fact that he acted like a child and slept with his jeans and shirt on all night.


I don't ever sleep naked. I get really bad dreams. Once, the act is over I get dressed. Don't wanna expose my butt to cold air.

It's your bed, wear what the heck you want. Wear burlap if its cozy to you. You had an understanding. If he choose to disregard it then, so be it. 

Or, if he is man enough he should have tried to change your mind by seducing you out of those pjs, instead, of acting like a defiant child. 

I hope his thingamajig was hurting all night. :crying:


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Tomara said:


> Intheory this is someone I have been exclusive with for six plus months. Yes we have had a few breaks because of his behavior. Not a man I pick up off the street a couple of days ago.
> 
> I totally disagree that sleeping in the same bed implies getting laid and certainly not when discussed prior to the day.


Your original post said you'd been dating off & on, not that he's your BF, big difference. Have you both agreed to be exclusive? If he's your BF then I agree that having him spend the night doesn't necessarily imply sex. If you're dating, then an invitation to spend the night usually does imply sex although there are some exceptions (maybe you're going to be out late or drinking & don't want him to drive home). 

If he's your boyfriend then why tell him no sex in advance? That should be something that either happens naturally or you decide at the time you're not up for it. Telling him ahead of time seems like a game (unless you're on your period so you're just giving him fair warning not to expect anything). His reaction of sleeping with his clothes on is childish, but if you're playing games with him too then you can hardly expect to get anything but games back. Just saying...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WOW! Lot of piling on OP here for not wanting to have sex. It sounded to me like she wanted a cuddle night--wth is wrong with that? She asks for a cuddle night in advance, and everybody beats her up for quashing sex in advance. All she did was ask for what she wanted.

The dude was acting like a 5 year old.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I'm confused...this guy isn't your BF, you had sex with him 2 days before, but last night it was just to cuddle & no sex? What is it you want out of this guy? Why have you been off & on with him but still keep having sex? Is it just for the sex? If so, why play this game? If you want a relationship with this guy this is not the way the go about it. When you are "off & on" with someone & keep having sex with them you become a f*ck buddy. If you want him to look at you as something more after you've been "off" then you need to take sex out of the equation completely & work on why things didn't work the last time. Stop the back & forth. Either fix it or move on. Or keep him for the sex/companionship but recognize it for what it is & quit the games. If you don't want a relationship then why not have sex last night too? What is the point?

Yep you are confused...read. Otherwise don't respond


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

WOW! Lot of piling on OP here for not wanting to have sex. It sounded to me like she wanted a cuddle night--wth is wrong with that? She asks for a cuddle night in advance, and everybody beats her up for quashing sex in advance. All she did was ask for what she wanted.<br />
<br />
The dude was acting like a 5 year old.

Thank you Fozzy! I do feel very much attacked that I almost deleted the post,


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

hotshotdot said:


> Your original post said you'd been dating off & on, not that he's your BF, big difference. Have you both agreed to be exclusive? If he's your BF then I agree that having him spend the night doesn't necessarily imply sex. If you're dating, then an invitation to spend the night usually does imply sex although there are some exceptions (maybe you're going to be out late or drinking & don't want him to drive home).
> 
> If he's your boyfriend then why tell him no sex in advance? That should be something that either happens naturally or you decide at the time you're not up for it. Telling him ahead of time seems like a game (unless you're on your period so you're just giving him fair warning not to expect anything). His reaction of sleeping with his clothes on is childish, but if you're playing games with him too then you can hardly expect to get anything but games back. Just saying...


This is a more eloquent way of expressing my impression. I guess I don't understand why you tell him ahead of time because it would seem to me most people don't make up their mind earlier in the day or the day before whether or not they'll be in the mood that night, therefore it seemed you were playing a game with him. 

If you weren't feeling well, were in the midst of your period or had some specific reason to announce ahead of time I get it, but you didn't mention those things. But how do you know what you'll be in the mood for a day in advance? Maybe that's just me, though. I don't know WHAT I'll be in the mood for tonight or tomorrow night and wouldn't proclaim cuddling, sex or even what's for dinner. 

But absolutely you have the right to say no, and he certainly acted like a petulent child about it.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I can't understand too.

I would think that a person can decide if one wants sex or not .

No reasons required .

Maybe after two in a row , it's enough ? 

Maybe the vagina needs no more hammering n just want a rest from being hammered ?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Sounds childish n demanding . Not long term partner material .

Seems like all he cares abt is sex .

Get the sex if you want n dump him . Not long term


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

it was his ploy to get you naked and try to put the moves on you for a third night of sex. He failed miserably 

so he slept with his jeans on soooo what.

If you think theres spark with this guy then now would be a great time to have a light hearted talk with him about what the heck was going on in his mind.

if hes just a FWB type of thing now might be a good time to upgrade your friend.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

intheory said:


> Tomara,
> 
> My advice to you is to not invite guys that you don't intend to have sex with, over to your place to spend the night.
> 
> If you're dating and you invite someone to spend the night; isn't sex always assumed?


Hells NO. Talk about lack of spontaneity. The fact that it is not assumed is half the fun when it happens.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I spoke with him and it was his ploy to get sex by arguing about the friggin pj's. To be totally honest Monday's are very stressful for me and take about all I have to get through the day. So advanced notice for a Monday is being fair to him...... Then there are no expectations of performance. Plus it's never a quickie, always a marathon session. 

I am really trying to maintain/create a heathy long term relationship with this man. I have to try before I kick him to the curb. 

Next Monday I am going to sleep with a ***** parka and ski pants😁.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Hells NO. Talk about lack of spontaneity. The fact that it is not assumed is half the fun when it happens.


Granted, there is a difference between being married, and dating for six months but...

For my wife and I, it's a default yes, sex is assumed. There aren't any arbitrary reasons for not having it, as in it's been two nights in a row, therefore, for no other compelling reason, we won't tonight.

To each their own I guess.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Tomara said:


> I spoke with him and it was his ploy to get sex by arguing about the friggin pj's. To be totally honest Monday's are very stressful for me and take about all I have to get through the day. So advanced notice for a Monday is being fair to him...... Then there are no expectations of performance. Plus it's never a quickie, always a marathon session.
> 
> I am really trying to maintain/create a heathy long term relationship with this man. I have to try before I kick him to the curb.
> 
> Next Monday I am going to sleep with a ***** parka and ski pants😁.


sounds kinky>


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> BUT to have already made up your mind sex two nights in a row is sufficient and state it won't happen, is also childish.


:iagree:

I didn't realize there were so many "rules" about sex... "Sorry, sex two nights in a row PRECLUDES any sex tonight!"

Really?

My suggestion... next time, put your PJs on, crack out a pair of footy pajamas for him, and bundle him up in a blanket on the couch.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I didn't realize there were so many "rules" about sex... "Sorry, sex two nights in a row PRECLUDES any sex tonight!"
> 
> ...


Too funny!

Guys I used the two days sex prior as a way of letting people know that I don't turn him down all the time. I didn't want sex and he knew prior so he could have kept his happy a** home.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tomara said:


> Too funny!
> 
> Guys I used the two days sex prior as a way of letting people know that I don't turn him down all the time. I didn't want sex and he knew prior so he could have kept his happy a** home.


I understand your thinking here, but it can come across as very rigid. Sex should be about release and relaxation, not rigid rules.

Lighten up! 

Pajamas are fine if you like to sleep in them (personally I can't stand the things) but issuing a manifesto that "no sex will occur" is a little off-putting to someone who cares about you and wants to feel closer. Why not let nature take it's course?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> that is a comment I don't get. I get your right to choose not to have sex, but to squash any concept of having sex since you had it the prior two days seems silly to me.



SLA in action...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I would a been buck regardless.
On account of my severe hard lumber issues. You would just have to understand.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think it's interesting how TAM counsels good communication in relationships, yet OP does just that and she's getting chastised. 

While I agree the way it went down was awkward and could've been handled better, and he acted a fool, OP, in no uncertain terms communicated how she felt.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sure the Thought Police won't like my response, but never would I invite a guy to stay over and not assume he'd think sex was on the table. Men are men.

Overnight Stay --> sex to me, unless the guy decides not to make a move.

But that's just me.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know if anyone else here has already said this, but if she wanted to sleep with clothes on, why is it such a bad thing for him to? Maybe he didn't bring any pjs with him because he didn't realise she would be sleeping fully clothed and didn't want to strip off when she wasn't going to.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he was a cry baby!she communicated she was Just in the mood for cuddling. She doesn't refuse him very often(at least that's my impression). so instead of cuddling and whispering sweet nothings hoping maybe he could arouse her and if not oh well.he took his balls and went home. well not really he just acted like a cry baby.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I hate cuddle nights, Just sayn'. Sure I'll do it on occasion (not every Monday), But don't expect me to stay in bed after a half hour of holding your hot bod. At least I'll be in the shower rubbing one out.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Is there a chance that him saying "Do not put this on" was a flirtation, invitation to sex, that you did not pick on? And when you refused so blantly, he was just trying to save his pride?


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