# Wife keeps trying to hide things



## RollinLefty (Nov 11, 2012)

Hey everyone,
My wife recently had to come clean about a large amount of debt that she has secretly racked up on credit cards she was opening under her name. As her credit score fell and her balaces rose, she wasn't able to cover many of her parts of the regular bills. I became suspicious and began to get angry and stressed about struggling to make ends meet. She finally had to come forward about what she had been doing. She was able to get on a debt consolidation program and begin to turn things around. A few weeks ago I noticed to late fees beginning to show up on the bank statements. I waited a few days to see if she would tell me about them, but she never did. Last week, we got yet another letter in the mail about a late fee. This time I left it in the pile of mail (as if I hadn't looked through the mail). Later that night I looked through the mail and noticed the letter was gone, but the rest of the mail was still in the pile. I confronted her about it and she tried to cover it up until she realized I already knew about the letter. 
I am at the end of my rope and really close to treating her as a child, giving her an ultimatum and telling her that if I catch her in a lie or hiding anything from now on we are done! Anyone else gone through a similar situation? How did you handle things? What would other readers suggest???

Thanks!


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

hi, yes i'm sad to say i'm dealing with the same things.

my husband runs up debts in secret,things come to a head when he can't meet min. payments, it's only at that point i "find out" - always via 3rd parties ie debt collectors,he has never "come clean" in this stage.

the last lot (still paying it off) was over £50k - credit cards - he had about 9!!!! a bank loan for £15k i didn't know about!! with a overdraft he'd used up, overdrafts set up on our joint bank account etc etc.

he's lied, said i was ill with depression & that's why i couldn't remember signing for overdraft agreements etc - last summer he admitted that was a lie,he'd set it up online. i spent 2 years doubting my own state of mind because i couldn't recall it - he admitted it was a lie to cover himself. TRUST YOUR GUT.

he used to rush to get to the post first - hiding letters. when on the pc if i came near i later found out he was dropping a screen down & putting something else up to cover things like cc accounts or applying online for cards etc. he's burnt letters hiding any information on how he spent the £,he gives excuses for how he spent it.

we were on the edge of Bankruptcy (not the first time) but did a FULL &FINAL IVA (UK) to pay a settlement figure to our creditors - my parents lent us £ (again) to sort it out & we repay £ each mth.

we now do banking together. i make a point of checking in & texting him with ie "the life insurance was paid today". i'm letting him know i'm keeping an eye on it.

when this last debt hit we had NO cash for food, i was terrified. I opened a basic saving account to save tiny bits in from my own small allowance(some mths there's none if things are v low). i can't live in fear of no £ for food again. I have also opened a basic bank account in just my name (we operate a joint one together for mortgage etc). if he starts it up again i've told him i'll have my £ paid into my own account. have a rhyme to remember passwords or account security - don't write things down or leave info with a trusted relative/friend.

you should start reading up on financial infidelity. if you can get your wife to agree to having a credit file check & you too that should give you a good idea of whats going on. if she fights you on it then THAT IS A BIG RED ***/BELL - HEAR IT! denial is very hard to fight.

you need to read up,get advice. think before you give a ultimation - you must be prepared to follow through what you say. i have now said that if my husband does it again i will not lend £ off my family anymore & that I will file for Bankruptcy (that shocked him!). i am terrified especially as i'm diasbled & he's my carer but i can't take any more.

PLEASE PLEASE start to protect yourself. i love my husband very much but he has treated me terribly with money. it brings out a devious side to him.he will lie through his teeth. i am also more aware of how he drinks/has drunk to cover feelings & he has gambled trying to "win & sort it all out". 

try to stay clam. my husband is still shocked at how calm i was when i said no more & if you do it again you'll have to sort it out.

it is very hard,yes it is like having a child isn't it? but at the same time i now see i cannot watch his every move - breath taking fear! he has net access at work & on his phone. i've yet to find a way of managing the real fear of this.
read up. don't let it roll or you could lose the roof over your head.
post how you get on.


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## NotMyRealName (Feb 7, 2013)

It's hard because I know your first reaction is to treat her like a child (a teenager) but in return she might act like one, and start to lie & hide things even more. I don't have a solution for you expect to keep talking to her about it. And control your reactions (which will make her more likely to come clean and communicate).


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

debt consolidation doesn't fix the problem. It just creates a new bill and if the problem is still there then you have credit card dept and a new loan. Dave Ramsey says never do it and he's a smart guy.

This type of thing is normally someone unwilling to face reality or someone addicted. Either way it's a marriage destroyer because the more you clamp down, the more a parent/child relationship forms.

My advice may suck but I think I'd separate for a short time (or something equivelantly blunt) with the premise that she's to decide if she wants to be responsible and be married to you or if she wants to continue to mismanage and become newly single. The key is that it's her choice. You know the cliche to set her free and if she comes back. Also if she decides you and the marriage is worth her breaking bad behaviors then there has to be full transparency. There has to be checks and balances. This is currently impossible and she would fight tooth and nail to prevent it UNLESS it's completely apparent that this is the only way to keep your marriage from imploding.

This is not an easy thing to do because there's a risk. But you have to know what's happening now will continue to spin in a bad direction unless something drastic changes.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

As someone who has had this repeated several times with my husband i totally agree with Thundarr's post. 

I've tried in the past having my hubby pay his wages paid into my bank account,i would be "in charge". it does create a parent/child situation - it created a lot of resentment for my husband. during this time he makes so many promises, i've been such a fool - in denial & enabing him to start all over again.

consolidation does not work! my hubby had £25k (!!!)of creditcard debt,bullied me into a secured loan for £50K & paid the cards off,said he'd never do it again. dramatic shows of cutting cards up only to ring cc folk up saying he'd "lost" his cards to replace them. the next lot of debt just 4 yrs later was over £50k. 

he has agreed to having our credit files checked twice a yr in the hope that i can see if he starts getting cc's. 

i've learnt the hard way you can't control what someone like my husband/your wife does. the hard thing with them running up debt is that we are left being responsible for what they cannot repay.
i'm a disabled woman on benifits,it's very hard. get some legal advice & start looking after yourself.


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