# Difficult family circumstances



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Hi...I need to get this off my chest and could do with some advice please.

I have posted on here before about leaving my husband. However things have got extra tricky.

At the moment, I am staying at my parents but none of my family know that me and my husband have problems. I have been building the courage in the last couple of weeks to tell my family and discuss putting mine and my husbands house on the market and begin the divorce process.

Unfortunately in the last week, my auntie was ill and went to hospital. We’ve been told she’s got 3 months left to live-total shock. Her husband and adult children (30 and 39) have learning difficulties. My family is very small-I’m an only child and they are my only relatives besides my 85 year old nan and my parents. Me and my parents will have to support my cousins throughout this ordeal and with the rest of their lives.

So now I cannot leave my husband. The courage I have built has gone-I can’t bear to put my family through more pain and suffering than they are already facing. My cousins think the world of my husband and my auntie loves him a lot-I can’t leave him whilst she’s dying as that’s not fair on her.

So I feel completely stuck. I will have to move home again as my cousins will want to come to mine and I have to appear normal for them. But this is also going to hurt and confuse my husband. If I’m home, he’ll think there’s a chance we can work through things. And I also feel like I’lol be ‘using’ him-staying with him until my auntie passes then leaving him (if I actually have the courage to leave again).

I don’t know what to do for the best.Any advice would be greatly appreciated


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You are going to live a life of resentment. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was start telling family their problems were not my responsibility. It's great to be supportive of people but when it comes at the cost of your own welfare you have to draw the line. What I discovered is when you start saying no they usually find other options.

You are so worried about making others happy you are willing to live your life in misery. Does that truly seem like the best and only option?


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## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you for your reply Cooper.

I’m not thinking of staying with my husband for the long term, just while my auntie is dying. As mentioned, my cousins (her children) have learning difficulties so will not understand me leaving my husband during this time when she’s in palliative care. They need our support. They have no one else 

I do worry I will fall into the trap of staying with my husband after her death so I guess you’ve got a good point.

I guess the thing is, it’s unfair on them to leave him now. But I have to maintain the strength to leave him when the moment is right. But this is also so unfair on my husband. My mind is so muddled.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

if you re-read your posts is all about you making excuses for yourself. Most likely, you just lack the courage to do what you really know needs to be done = leaving him. Well we all live in the hell we create for ourselves.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is your uncle not able to care for his children?


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## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you for your replies.

My uncle is a little..slow...too so he will need support but he’ll be ok with general bits but we will be there for him.

I want to leave my husband and I was prepared for it. But I can’t bring myself to say this to my family within these three months.

‘Hey auntie, I know you’re dying but I’m leaving my husband’

‘hey cousin, I know your mums dying and Youre terrified for your future and you don’t understand a lot but I’m leaving my husband which I know will affect you too’

‘hey mum, I know you’re worried about financially and mentally supporting another family, but I’m leaving my husband now even with all this going on and I will need your mental and financial support too.’

I can’t do that to them. And although it may sound like I’m making excuses for me, I’m not, it’s purely for them. And selfishly I am so worried for me. Because I can’t take pretending everything’s ok when it’s not.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You will be back here next year telling us that you want to leave your husband but something else has came up to prevent it from happening. 
Empathy wouldn’t be my strong point but I fail to see how your aunt being ill has any bearing on your relationship. 
Either do or don’t but quit with the pontificating.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Just make a plan and work it. Move back in, take care of your aunt, after she passes, proceed with the divorce. No one here can understand your family obligations, but you're entitled to manage them as you see fit. Just pretend you're in the military until she passes. If you're in the military, you have to make extreme sacrifices for periods of time, such as being away from home. (That's a weak example, but it's the only one I could think of at the moment.) Three months of your life is probably not a major problem.


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