# Child or Divorce?



## MaskedRacer (Jul 21, 2020)

Man 41 y.o. here. Do you think it is fair for a wife to put a condition on a marriage essentially saying 
1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage
AND
2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child. 

That is the situation I am facing now. I think from her perspective we just have nothing in common anymore. And she constantly talks about her "biological clock". When I bring up how much a 3rd kid will involve more sleepless nights, hospital trips, financial strain, splitting resources, loss of time to do things, etc. She just blows it off saying I've always liked babies. She told me that friend tells her about a baby or even if she reads about a celebrity having a baby she gets jealous.

She says a possible divorce might be needed because she does not want to spend the rest of her life in regret and resentful of me. 

Is this a woman thing? Are all women concerned about their "biological clock" and want to have another child just for the sake of it without considering future ramifications (good or bad).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What's to stop her divorcing you after you give her the child she wants?

Absolutely nothing at all. You cannot trust her, she seems like a narcissistic monster. Why give her another child because she might resent that child.

My advice is to see a lawyer ASAP.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MaskedRacer said:


> No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it.


These are my thoughts:

1) no sex = no marriage

2) what your wife wants is for you to bring her a paycheck, home, and all the conveniences, but all she wants is another child. She doesn't want a child.

3) you have been divorced already


Get a barracuda-SOB lawyer and make sure you KEEP all that you worked for. Do not father another child. You have enough support to pay, already. Tell her to find another "mark" for her con game.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yes... If this is what she said, then you should file for divorce ASAP. Why pay child support for 18 years for sex once or whatever.

The request is frankly insane...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No, this isn't a woman thing.

I'm amazed you have to ask if it's any kind of normal for someone to make a threat about having a _third_ child like that, and also announce after conceiving the _third_ child there will be no more sex.

Obviously you have shown her throughout your marriage that she can treat you like garbage and it's fine.... because I don't know any woman who would dare say that to her husband unless she knew that would be the immediate end of the relationship.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If no sex after third child, just divorce now BEFOR even having third child. Your wife's demands are not normal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Chiming in again to say, just the announcement from her that there will be no more sex ever is reason to divorce ASAP.

You are 41. What are you NEVER GOING TO HAVE A SEXUAL EXPERIENCE EVER AGAIN in your life???????????

At 41?????????????????


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Your wife is ending your marriage one way or the other:

1. No third child - she is ending marriage
2. No sex after third child - she is ending marriage

Child support will be lower for two kids, than for three.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

People can get divorced for any reason these days, and if they are unhappy or incompatible with their spouse then divorce is an option. If someone wants kids or more kids and their spouse doesn't, divorce is a valid option. So yes, it's "fair" for your wife to want another child or a divorce. Should it be used as a manipulation? No.

On the no more sex thing, at least she gave you warning 🤷‍♂️ Assuming she told you that BEFORE knocking her up. Some women don't give that warning (they aren't that stupid!) and just cut off sex after baby, until they want another one at least. In most, if not all, marriages that would not be acceptable.

Just like she has the option to divorce you, YOU have the option to divorce as well. If you absolutely do not want another child and are unwilling to live in a sexless marriage, then you can divorce her - just like she can divorce you.

She has flat out told you that if you have another child you will be in a sexless marriage, and if you don't have another child you will be divorced... most people would end up divorced either way because a sexless marriage is not a marriage. Would you divorce her if your marriage was sexless? If so, then leave now... with two children, not three. 

And no, this is not a "woman thing". This is something that _some _women do, but not all and not the majority.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Based on your other post, you have already been in a sexless marriage for four years AND your wife said you can divorce her because of it (no, you would not get an annulment since you've already had sex and kids). 

So are you willing to continue to live in a sexless marriage? For the rest of your life?

You realize that your wife WANTS you to divorce her, right? She just wants that third child before you depart. Tell her there are sperm banks for a reason...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, it isn’t normal at all. She’s likely going to divorce you anyway so just say no to bringing another innocent child into this situation and instead divorce her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not all women are baby obsessed. Some choose no children and some choose only one (which I did) or maybe two. The current trend seems to be four. She may decide after the third one that she needs just one more. Tell her that she can have all of that but not with you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have read your other thread where you mention that you have not have sex for FOUR YEARS as it is right now. 

You seriously want to consider having another child with this person and incurring all the work and expense of another mouth to feed with someone that so clearly has virtually no respect, attraction or desire for you???

You need to seriously investigate why you have become so broken down and emasculated and put in some serious work on getting your balls and spine back and getting your basic human dignity back. 

My advice to this thread is the same as the other (assuming this is even a real situation) get some serious therapy and professional guidance ( secular, western, science-based therapy and not religious or faith-based counseling)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeah, this one is easy. File for divorce NOW, and as @oldshirt says, get some therapy for your issues.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Um...no, this is not the actions of a loving woman. This woman is using you for your money and your sperm. I don't think I could stay in a marriage like this. You will have an easier time finding someone new at your current age than you will in 10 years when you finally can't take it anymore. 

Please, if you have any self preservation skills at all do not give her another child. Do not even sleep with her...she'll find a way to get pregnant without your knowledge. 

You deserve so much more than to be her sperm bank.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No. this is not a woman's thing. It is your "thing".your weak doormat thing.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yikes this is NOT a woman thing. I'm child-free by choice. 

You are so young. Far too young to be living in a sex starved marriage. And for four years already?

Tell me. What's keeping you in this marriage? And please don't tell me the kids.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MaskedRacer said:


> Man 41 y.o. here. Do you think it is fair for a wife to put a condition on a marriage essentially saying
> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage
> AND
> 2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child.
> ...


It appears another child will not help this marriage. Furthermore, no more sex after the 3rd child? Good luck with that. I think D is you only answer.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ditch the witch

The wolf cares not what the sheep wants. Stop being a sheep.

Edit: If you do have a third child then you deserve whatever misery she serves up


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## MaskedRacer (Jul 21, 2020)

I'm the OP. Thanks for the feedback. Very intriguing answers to get me thinking more.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Your wife fired the 1st volley with the threat of a divorce for you not complying to a 3rd child!

You should respond with a volley of your own! Divorce papers all prepared for her signature!

Child support is cheaper for 2 than 3!

She has declared herself asexual. Do you really want to be stuck in a sexless marriage after child #3?

I'm 65 and stuck in a sexless marriage! IT IS NOT ANY FUN!!!

Get out now!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MaskedRacer said:


> I'm the OP. Thanks for the feedback. Very intriguing answers to get me thinking more.


I am sorry, got you thinking more. More about what. Are you for real...

I think every person that responded told you to get out. 

What else is there to think about. Think about what? Paying Child Support on 3 kids instead of 2? Spending the rest of your life sexless in your 40's or being a dirt bag and having an affair?

Help us understand, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT????


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

MaskedRacer said:


> Man 41 y.o. here. Do you think it is fair for a wife to put a condition on a marriage essentially saying
> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage
> AND
> 2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child.
> ...


I think she’s well out of order from what you say. She’s had two, she should be grateful. As to her ongoing demands, why not get the snip but don’t tell, keep up the sex. Ok ok I know that’s not ethical, I’m not saying you should, but some men might.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

OP
When I was 41 I was in a sexless marriage. I came here for advice, and got a lot of what you are hearing. I had 3 small children. I thought to myself "it's cheaper to keep her". I spent 10 more miserable sexless years, hanging on to that mantra. Then I found the credit cards... Now I am 51, broke, finally single, have an even better relationship with my kids and couldn't be happier. The sex isn't too bad now either. 

You have been told what your next 10 years will be if you stay with this woman. From where I sit, do not give her a third child. Be a role model for your kids, and show them how to demand a respectful full relationship. Find a lawyer, and answer her ultimatum with divorce papers and an ultimatum of your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaskedRacer said:


> Man 41 y.o. here. Do you think it is fair for a wife to put a condition on a marriage essentially saying
> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage
> AND
> 2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child.
> ...


How old is your wife?

How long have you two been married?

Does your wife have a job? Can she support herself?

You have stayed in a sexless marriage for too long (4 years). If your wife is actually asexual, it's not her fault that she does not want to have sex. But you have a normal sexual drive. It's not fair for her to expect you to not have sex. You two are not sexually compatible.

Also, the demands she has given you are ridiculous. Your best bet is to divorce her ASAP. If you don't get her pregnant with this 3rd child, she might go find some other guy to do it. As her husband, you will end up legally responsible for a child that is not yours.

Her idea of you getting your marriage annulled is interesting. You might want to talk to an attorney to find out which would be your best route, annulment or divorce. But either way, you really need to get out of this marriage.



MaskedRacer said:


> Is this a woman thing? Are all women concerned about their "biological clock" and want to have another child just for the sake of it without considering future ramifications (good or bad).


Most women do experience what is called a "biological clock". The way it manifests is a very strong desire to have a child. Think of how you feel when you are very very hungry. It's sort of like that.

The rest of what you are talking about here, that's not normal at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> I am sorry, got you thinking more. More about what. Are you for real...
> 
> I think every person that responded told you to get out.
> 
> ...


Assuming he is even for real and his threads are actual situations, when he says it gives him something to "think about" what he may (hopefully! ) mean is that he is challenging his beliefs and evaluating his own reality. 

If he is real, I suspect he was indoctrinated into very rigid and conservative religious beliefs that marriage is till death, that divorce is a sin and that sex is only for procreation and that desire for sexuality other than procreation is exploitation of women and an affront to God. 

He has probably also been indoctrinated into the belief that men are dogs that must be kept on a short leash and must comply with all of their wife's wishes at the sacrifice of their own interests and their own well being.... ie p***Y whipped. 

After a 4 year drought, part of him is seeing this as a chance to score some poon again and he's doing the mental math to try to determine if it will be worth it or not. 

Desperate men will do desperate things. I have seen this before and it is as ugly as it sounds.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> .
> 
> After a 4 year drought, part of him is seeing this as a chance to score some poon again and he's doing the mental math to try to determine if it will be worth it or not.
> 
> Desperate men will do desperate things. I have seen this before and it is as ugly as it sounds.


Part of me isn't really buying this story and this OP because...... well because it's so unbelievable. 
However it is possible and I actually know a guy closely in real life that went through a very similar circumstance as Masked so I know it can and does happen. 

A buddy of mine got hooked up with this nutty beeotch despite all the red flags and all the warnings of not only his friends and family but her friends and family as well. 

She basically hated him and had no attraction or respect for him but she knew no other man would have her and she was one of these brainiac engineer chicks and he was one of those Big Bang Theory nerd types as well and each figured this was their one chance to be with someone. 

They eloped at the courthouse against everyone's pleas and the crap started right off the bat. After just a matter of months they separated and were living separately but neither bothered to file divorce papers and she would still call him to change her oil and flat tires, unclog the toilet, kill spiders etc

He would hope that would lead to sex, but of course it didn't and so this went on for a few years. 

By this time she was 29 and was getting Baby Rabies with the big Three Oh approaching and she mentioned to him about her bio clock and that she wanted children before she was old. He basically said he wanted children too and that if they got back together they could work out some kind of parental arrangement. 

He was actually just wanting to bust a nut and was hoping it would take awhile before she got knocked up. 

But nope, first time he managed to get it up and get it in and get it off she was preggers and cut him off cold. 

They lived together and raised the first child together for several years but she continued to hate and belittle him and emasculate him.

Then when the first child was about ready to head to kindergarten she figured if she would ever be able to have another it would have to be now and then sorry sack of gullibility and stupidity fell for it again hoping they would have a sex life out of the deal.

Nope, preggers within the first time or two again. 

After this kid came, she literally and I do mean literally locked herself in her bedroom any time he was home and he did not physically see her for the next TWO YEARS untill he finally nutted up and filed for divorce and they had to see each other at their court-mandated counseling session. 

All in all they were married over a dozen years and in that time he figures they had sex about half a dozen or so times resulting in two pregnancies. 

This is how gullible and desperate and dellusional these guys are. They actually do walk among us. 

If this OP is for real and this is an actual situation, then he is one of these guys and there are no limits to how desperate and gullible he may be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She can try to get remarried, but good luck finding any other man who will put up with no sex except to make a baby. I would not get in any deeper with her and don't see how you'd be losing much just be divorcing and getting joint custody so you get to raise your kids plenty.

She has some real issues. I've never known anyone so nuts that they get jealous anytime anyone anywhere has a baby (especially that already has some). She must feel cursed if she is really asexual but her entire driving force in her life is wanting to get pregnant.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

MaskedRacer said:


> Man 41 y.o. here. Do you think it is fair for a wife to put a condition on a marriage essentially saying
> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage
> AND
> 2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child.
> ...


Tell her conditions are unacceptable and you will take the divorce.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

MaskedRacer said:


> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage


This is unreasonable. Why would the presence of a given child, or rather lack thereof, be a reason to end a marriage?



> 2. No sex ever again after the 3rd child because I am ASexual now and don't want it. It would be just one more time to have that child.


This is reasonable in and of itself. There are those who stay in marriages with or get married to asexual individuals. Whether or not _you _can handle being in a marriage without sex is another matter altogether.



> I think from her perspective we just have nothing in common anymore.


Then there is no point to the marriage, short of one of convenience.



> Is this a woman thing?


No, this can happen with men as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Having trouble believing this is real, but I'll answer...

The question you should be asking yourself is, 'Do I want to pay child support for 2 children or 3?', because that's your destiny my friend. Your marriage is toast either way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She can try to get remarried, but good luck finding any other man who will put up with no sex except to make a baby.


It might be easier than you think. There are dating sites for a-sexual people.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, more power to her. she probably just as soon take out a lifetime subscription to the sperm bank.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She can try to get remarried, but good luck finding any other man who will put up with no sex except to make a baby.


Per statistics on asexuality linked by Elle, there is a 99% chance she is not really asexual but rather is just not into the OP. 

That means if she were to move on, she would likely be laying the next guy like tile. 

Especially if we assume she has not been getting it elsewhere for that last 4 years, that means she may be ready to end the 4-year drought with gusto. .....just with someone other than the OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaskedRacer said:


> 1. If we don't have a 3rd child I want to end the marriage





maquiscat said:


> This is unreasonable. Why would the presence of a given child, or rather lack thereof, be a reason to end a marriage?


Because he won't get her pregnant with the 3rd child, she plans to find some guy who will get her pregnant.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Because he won't get her pregnant with the 3rd child, she plans to find some guy who will get her pregnant.


As others have noted, what's to stop her from divorcing once she has the third child? Why should a child be the only reason to divorce or remain married? It just seems flimsy to me


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Why does she want a third child, I don’t get it. Why doesn’t she divorce you if she doesn’t want sex with you? Can she support them by herself if you divorce her?
Divorce her now before you end up supporting her and child support for three kids. I see no happy future for you with her. Run and don’t give het a third child. She doesn’t love you, she is using you .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree with Marcy. I think at this point she's just looking for kids and child support and that he needs to get out ASAP to end the Carnage because there's no love here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'd be finalising that divorce asap, because if you don't, and she gets pregnant by someone else while she's still married to you, guess who's on the hook for child support til the child's 18? Hint: It's not the bio dad.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

frusdil said:


> I'd be finalising that divorce asap, because if you don't, and she gets pregnant by someone else while she's still married to you, guess who's on the hook for child support til the child's 18? Hint: It's not the bio dad.


Actually that depends on the state. While in some states the man married to the woman is declared the legal father, even if the mother says otherwise, other states will allow evidence to put the bio dad in the position of legal responsibility.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I'd be finalising that divorce asap, because if you don't, and she gets pregnant by someone else while she's still married to you, guess who's on the hook for child support til the child's 18? Hint: It's not the bio dad.


That's not entirely true. If you suspect a child isn't yours, you can start a court proceeding to determine paternity. Do it quickly though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Legal Definition of 'Father' by State*


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Child support is just that much more expensive with a 3rd kid when you eventually divorce. She did you a favor giving you a heads up on this. RUN.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wouldn't bring more children into it. She is a terrible person, and a third human being doesn't need to be stuck with her for a mother, so I'd say NO to a third child with her, and if she wants a divorce, be the best daddy to your kids as much as possible when you can be.

Just because someone CAN have kids doesn't mean they should. She really shouldn't. It's bad enough she's using two kids to control you, do you really need her to have three kids she can take away or manipulate to hate you? Love your kids more than this beast, they deserve better.

Re: your last question, no, not all women are like that. Many are, though. I know a woman who was going to divorce her husband if he didn't have a third child with her. I knew HER, so I was able to tell her how incredible stupid it was to break up her family just because it wasn't as big as she wanted, and to bring more kids into a family she intended to break up just because she wanted three kids. She didn't love her husband, she wasn't able to focus and be grateful on the kids she had, she HAD to have a third and would take the father out of the picture and away from the kids who loved him if he didn't give in to her demands. I don't know if I got through to her (I stopped being friends with her because I was so triggered by her narcissism) but at least that poor guy had someone trying to knock sense into his wife's head.


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