# Different sex drives. Please help me



## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

I’ve been married over 20 years. Children are grown. I love my husband and he loves me. I don’t believe he’s cheated. I have not either. We have a pretty great marriage, except when it comes to sex. Thinking back this has been a pretty constant thread for us. Of course was no problem at first. But after kids the usual story. Until the past year we always had pretty regular sex despite me having a much lower sex drive. Once a month would be fine with me. Every day would be fine with him. But I’ve always been a willing partner. I’ve tried to explain that ten minutes in I’m glad it’s happening but I just don’t necessarily want to at the outset. But as I said. I’ve probably actually said no less than five times ever. Once I realized how important this was to him I made it a priority. I actually initiated and would keep track. He didn’t want to initiate since I confessed I wasn’t into it at the outset. I could go on but this is the gist. I can’t take hormones due to past cancer. But as I said I’m fine ten minutes in. I always climax. He’s great in bed. This isn’t enough for him. He is upset so many times over the years that I don’t “desire” him. He’s made spread sheets documenting how often we have sex. I’m exhausted. I quit initiating because I felt like he didn’t appreciate my efforts. Instead they just aren’t enough. He wants me to be horney like we just met. I can’t be that person. Literally nothing else is wrong. I’m at my wits end. I’m sick of discussing this. Yes. We’ve been to counseling. Watched porn. I feel like having sex and even good sex. By his own account too. Is a win. But he feels upset. He feels there must be more to it. It’s a literal constant elephant in the room. Please help me. I’m ready to leave sometimes. I’d rather be alone than constantly letting someone down.


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## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

I’m so sorry you two are struggling like this. This sounds very familiar, there are elements of your story that hit home for me about my marriage. I feel like your hubby and I have a lot of in common, we clearly feel a strong need to be desired and wanted sexually. I understand the nuances of these situations and definitely appreciate effort and generosity - but for people like us it just won’t ever be the same as a purely natural desire for us. We need to be flirted with, teased, lured, invited, pounced on, and have a very intimate, erotic connection with our partners. If we don’t have that, as nice as everything else is - we will never be truly happy. I’ve come to accept that about myself and it sounds like your hubby is in a similar situation. 

I don’t have any answers, these are difficult issues to be sure. I just want you guys to know you aren’t alone and these are not unique challenges that you face. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of things already, but I’d still recommend some targeted sex therapy. It will help with your communication, it can help standardize expectations and mediate some of the unspoken stuff between you both. 

Outside of that, I hope you can find a way to work it out. I greatly sympathize with your situation.


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## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

You sound like a good wife. 
He sounds selfish.
Maybe find another counselor that can explain to him some people are high drive and some are low. ?
Maybe you will be lucky and his drive will drop and things will balance?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't think at this point it's unreasonable to tell him "If you can't accept me as I am, given how hard I try, you can pound sand". If you've worked as hard as you claim here, you've fulfilled your part of the marriage contract. Let him stew in his own unsatisfied desire for a while. 

As Stephen Wright used to say "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You husband needs to look up reactive response in sexuality. Clearly this is YOUR type of sexual response. He needs to understand that, and learn how to trigger that, and STOP being whiny about it. HE NEEDS to learn about this and you BOTH will be much happier.


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

desiresmore said:


> I’m so sorry you two are struggling like this. This sounds very familiar, there are elements of your story that hit home for me about my marriage. I feel like your hubby and I have a lot of in common, we clearly feel a strong need to be desired and wanted sexually. I understand the nuances of these situations and definitely appreciate effort and generosity - but for people like us it just won’t ever be the same as a purely natural desire for us. We need to be flirted with, teased, lured, invited, pounced on, and have a very intimate, erotic connection with our partners. If we don’t have that, as nice as everything else is - we will never be truly happy. I’ve come to accept that about myself and it sounds like your hubby is in a similar situation.
> 
> I don’t have any answers, these are difficult issues to be sure. I just want you guys to know you aren’t alone and these are not unique challenges that you face. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of things already, but I’d still recommend some targeted sex therapy. It will help with your communication, it can help standardize expectations and mediate some of the unspoken stuff between you both.
> 
> Outside of that, I hope you can find a way to work it out. I greatly sympathize with your situation.


I appreciate your response. It’s nice not being alone and n something. I try so hard to understand from the other side of things. But at some point I feel like we have to accept all sorts of things about our partners and love them as they are. I can’t believe a compromise isn’t possible. Do you really accept that’s the only way for you to be happy?


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

Lake life said:


> You sound like a good wife.
> He sounds selfish.
> Maybe find another counselor that can explain to him some people are high drive and some are low. ?
> Maybe you will be lucky and his drive will drop and things will balance?


I’ve hoped for that so many times. Thanks so much for responding. Ugh. I’m so sick of the same discussion. But it’s probably worth another shot I suppose


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

Cletus said:


> I don't think at this point it's unreasonable to tell him "If you can't accept me as I am, given how hard I try, you can pound sand". If you've worked as hard as you claim here, you've fulfilled your part of the marriage contract. Let him stew in his own unsatisfied desire for a while.
> 
> As Stephen Wright used to say "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"


Ha ha. If only it weren’t so miserable to live in that atmosphere


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You husband needs to look up reactive response in sexuality. Clearly this is YOUR type of sexual response. He needs to understand that, and learn how to trigger that, and STOP being whiny about it. HE NEEDS to learn about this and you BOTH will be much happier.


Thanks for responding. I’m going to look into this as you suggested


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

University2016 said:


> I’ve hoped for that so many times. Thanks so much for responding. Ugh. I’m so sick of the same discussion. But it’s probably worth another shot I suppose


Why? You're familiar with the poor man's definition of insanity, right?


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

Cletus said:


> Why? You're familiar with the poor man's definition of insanity, right?


Yes. I sometimes feel the discussion circles around the same way and we’re beating a dead horse so to speak. But that’s my bad attitude. You are right


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

wow...are you my wife? She could have written the exact statements from her view on our marriage. I can tell you, being in the same side as your husband, it is emotionally very hard to accept. It may be a fact, but reactive desire is complicated for a higher drive partner who sees desire differently. In my case, the struggle is about all the sexual expression outside the bedroom that I craze (that cannot come from reactive desire), as well as the carnal type of sexual expression that comes from pure lust and desire. Those are very hard to go without. 

My wife is much like you, and once things get started, she is into the moment, and almost always has an O and enjoys herself, but it still leaves me feeling lacking.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> wow...are you my wife? She could have written the exact statements from her view on our marriage. I can tell you, being in the same side as your husband, it is emotionally very hard to accept. It may be a fact, but reactive desire is complicated for a higher drive partner who sees desire differently. In my case, the struggle is about all the sexual expression outside the bedroom that I craze (that cannot come from reactive desire), as well as the carnal type of sexual expression that comes from pure lust and desire. Those are very hard to go without.
> 
> My wife is much like you, and once things get started, she is into the moment, and almost always has an O and enjoys herself, but it still leaves me feeling lacking.


MIA - imagine if it is your wife!! Lol.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

University2016 said:


> Once a month would be fine with me. Every day would be fine with him.


Lack of affection is often a marriage killer, and it's justified. Affection is just as important an aspect to marriage as love, fidelity, trust, communication, etc. It's totally understandable that your drive may not be what it once was, but it's not acceptable to just expect him to accept a virtually sexless marriage. I'm sure if he took away one of the foundational aspects that you need in a marriage, you would be frustrated.

Even if your drive never changes, you should take the initiative to find ways to show him that you find him attractive and make him feel desired even if has nothing to do with sex. For example, do things like cuddle and fall asleep in each other's arms, caress his back when you're in the kitchen, lay your head on his lap while watching TV, and so on. These kinds of intimate actions can make him feel more desired on a regular basis without all the pressure of sex. You should be proactive about these kinds of actions so he doesn't feel like he's starving for affection and begging you to appease him.

You should also be proactive about finding ways to genuinely enjoy sex more. Just being willing and compliant does not make for emotionally satisfying sex. He wants to feel like you enjoy it rather than he is manipulating you into doing it. So rather than him feeling like he's responsible for all aspects of making you enjoy intimacy, you should take steps to help yourself enjoy intimacy. Maybe that means you treat yourself with manicures, bubble baths, wear lingerie, destress your life, or whatever would make you more conducive to intimacy. You may never get to the point where you're dying to jump his bones, but at least he should feel that you are genuinely happy when he initiates.

If you don't want to improve things, you should divorce so he can find happiness somewhere else. Duty sex and sex 1x/month are going to kill his self-confidence and make him feel like a loser. It's clear he's upset about this and it's causing him a lot of internal strife. So if you can't help make things better, show him that you love him enough to end it so he can avoid this downward spiral and find joy somewhere else.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lake life said:


> You sound like a good wife.
> He sounds selfish.
> Maybe find another counselor that can explain to him some people are high drive and some are low. ?
> Maybe you will be lucky and his drive will drop and things will balance?


Kindly, this isn't a good way to approach the challenges.

Crossing your fingers and hoping he will want less sex is opening more doors to larger problems with harsh solutions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

University2016 said:


> I’ve hoped for that so many times. Thanks so much for responding. Ugh. I’m so sick of the same discussion. But it’s probably worth another shot I suppose


I'm sensing a very real lack of your understanding that this is indeed very real and quite serious problem in your M.

If you're not attracted to being an important part if your Hs life sexually than it may be best to tell him outright you'll never again be interested in him that way.

Don't be a cake eater.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

University2016 said:


> But he feels upset. He feels there must be more to it. It’s a literal constant elephant in the room. Please help me. I’m ready to leave sometimes. I’d rather be alone than constantly letting someone down.


Your husband is very ungrateful.

Send him over to the "Dead Bedrooms" sub on Reddit and let him read there for an hour or two. He'll see what it's like for other guys who are married to women who *don't *give a rat's ass how much they want sex, and who *don't *try to please their husbands at all, who *never* initiate sex and say "no" ALL THE TIME, and for many men, it's been YEARS since they've had any type of sex at all.

I can't believe your husband is making spreadsheets and whining like a baby because you're not walking around like a dog in heat and humping his leg with desire all the time. The guy needs a damned hobby if that's what he's doing with his time. Your efforts of always making yourself available and initiating sex with him and making sure he's satisfied just aren't enough for him. Honestly, he's just a selfish, whiny ass.

Drag him to your gynecologist so they can explain to him - in words he can understand - how menopause works and how it robs many women of all their desire. Maybe THEN he'll finally get it and stop making this ALL ABOUT HIM.

And if he REALLY gets it, maybe he'll take the time to THANK YOU for all the effort and care you've put into your marriage making sure you're NOT one of the many, many "dead bedrooms" you see on Reddit every single day.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

University2016 said:


> I’ve been married over 20 years. Children are grown. I love my husband and he loves me. I don’t believe he’s cheated. I have not either. We have a pretty great marriage, except when it comes to sex. Thinking back this has been a pretty constant thread for us. Of course was no problem at first. But after kids the usual story. Until the past year we always had pretty regular sex despite me having a much lower sex drive. Once a month would be fine with me. Every day would be fine with him. But I’ve always been a willing partner. I’ve tried to explain that ten minutes in I’m glad it’s happening but I just don’t necessarily want to at the outset. But as I said. I’ve probably actually said no less than five times ever. Once I realized how important this was to him I made it a priority. I actually initiated and would keep track. He didn’t want to initiate since I confessed I wasn’t into it at the outset. I could go on but this is the gist. I can’t take hormones due to past cancer. But as I said I’m fine ten minutes in. I always climax. He’s great in bed. This isn’t enough for him. He is upset so many times over the years that I don’t “desire” him. He’s made spread sheets documenting how often we have sex. I’m exhausted. I quit initiating because I felt like he didn’t appreciate my efforts. Instead they just aren’t enough. He wants me to be horney like we just met. I can’t be that person. Literally nothing else is wrong. I’m at my wits end. I’m sick of discussing this. Yes. We’ve been to counseling. Watched porn. I feel like having sex and even good sex. By his own account too. Is a win. But he feels upset. He feels there must be more to it. It’s a literal constant elephant in the room. Please help me. I’m ready to leave sometimes. I’d rather be alone than constantly letting someone down.


I'm not sure I followed all of that.
You two have regular sex and you do not refuse him if he starts touching you and shows that he is wanting you?
The problem is you told him that you do not really want it .....at the outset?
I guess you shouldn't have told him that.
I guess this should have stayed one of those little white lies the lady's talk about stuff with sex, stuff they do not tell their guys.
It sounds like if you just didn't say "I don't want it" this issue would never have come up.
I am not really sure why that was said. What good could have ever possibly come from it.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Frankly, hubby must be consuming too much porn because he sounds totally disconnected from reality (side effect of porn use). He’s bought into the lie that women are supposed to act like men in regards to sex. My wife isn’t like that, his wife isn’t, you’re not...I don’t know a single woman (outside of crazy teenage girlfriends, stories, or porn) that acts like what hubby here expects. It’s his own fault for watching so much porn that now he’s bought into the lie. Of course, he could probably get help for this- but like just about every modern man don’t dare take away his porn or right to do what he wants with his body!

The paradox is that over the long term I’m not sure a man would even want a woman to behave like that. I mean, what man would really like to have a woman that acted like a man? It’s mostly the “thrill of the chase” that keep men coming back. I get though that men think this is what they want..... just don’t think it would actually work in real life.

maybe if hubby can get clean from porn and just really ponder it he’d realize how blessed he really is and just accept the reality of the situation. Porn is just really damaging to men and marriage.. it just really is.

Seems like if wives take another step then the men take it further and he’ll next be asking for something even more ridiculous or perverted (you see this trend on TAM all the time). I think a lot of this perversion and dissatisfaction is fueled by porn.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> Frankly, hubby must be consuming too much porn ...


Have a hammer, see a nail.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Maybe I missed it. How often do you actually have sex? How often do you each provide each other affection, besides sex?


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> wow...are you my wife? She could have written the exact statements from her view on our marriage. I can tell you, being in the same side as your husband, it is emotionally very hard to accept. It may be a fact, but reactive desire is complicated for a higher drive partner who sees desire differently. In my case, the struggle is about all the sexual expression outside the bedroom that I craze (that cannot come from reactive desire), as well as the carnal type of sexual expression that comes from pure lust and desire. Those are very hard to go without.
> 
> My wife is much like you, and once things get started, she is into the moment, and almost always has an O and enjoys herself, but it still leaves me feeling lacking.


All I can say is that it’s not easy from thus side either. Feeling like you’re a failure as a wife, unable to fulfill your husband. We talked. AGAIN. It sucked. I’m thinking of watching some porn alone to get revved up and maybe that will help me be more what he’s wanting.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@CatholicDad , I try really hard to not disagree with some of your posts, and I'm coming from the position that yes porn can very much be a problem in excess, and sometimes at all. 

That said, multiple parts of your response at best perhaps need more explanation, and can be in error or at least a matter of opinion as you've made some sweeping generalizations. 

This excerpt:
"He’s bought into the lie that women are supposed to act like men in regards to sex"

What specifically do you mean here. Your assuming all will automatically know the correct actions you're referring to.

I'll ask more questions on other parts, I'm trying to be sure I have your meanings correct.

Tx


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

University2016 said:


> .....Until the past year we always had pretty regular sex despite me having a much lower sex drive. Once a month would be fine with me. Every day would be fine with him. But I’ve always been a willing partner. I’ve tried to explain that ten minutes in I’m glad it’s happening but I just don’t necessarily want to at the outset. But as I said. I’ve probably actually said no less than five times ever. Once I realized how important this was to him I made it a priority. I actually initiated and would keep track. He didn’t want to initiate since I confessed I wasn’t into it at the outset. I could go on but this is the gist. I can’t take hormones due to past cancer. But as I said I’m fine ten minutes in. I always climax. He’s great in bed. This isn’t enough for him. He is upset so many times over the years that I don’t *“desire”* him. He’s made spread sheets documenting how often we have sex. I’m exhausted. I quit initiating because I felt like he didn’t appreciate my efforts. Instead they just aren’t enough. He wants me to be *horney* like we just met. I can’t be that person. Literally nothing else is wrong. I’m at my wits end. I’m sick of discussing this. Yes. We’ve been to counseling. Watched porn. I feel like having sex and even good sex. By his own account too. Is a win. But he feels upset. He feels there must be more to it. It’s a literal constant elephant in the room. Please help me. I’m ready to leave sometimes. I’d rather be alone than constantly letting someone down.


You basically just described my wife and I. I wish my wife would make an effort and initiate (or any other effort), it just does not seem to be in her. It seems clear that you have really tried and you have put in the work to make your marriage good. Not every person does that. So, I commend you on your efforts.

It sounds like you have responsive desire, like my wife. She is hardly ever ready at the start, but she gets into it just fine once things are underway. For years I wanted her to desire intimacy like I do. I wanted to feel her 'desire', like your husband wants yours. I wanted her to initiate some, show interest, flirt or banter, etc. I expected her to respond to me the way I would respond. It has been really hard to learn that she is just different than me. Like you and your husband are different.

A few ideas; you do 'desire' your husband, but your desire shows differently than his. If possible try to teach him that your desire shows in your willingness and your initiating, etc. The topic will eventually come to something along the lines of 'well you don't really want it or your not horney'. If you do have responsive desire, then you need him to work on creating the 'horney' response he wants. That will probably be difficult.

One way or another, I hope you two are able to make it work.


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

wilson said:


> Lack of affection is often a marriage killer, and it's justified. Affection is just as important an aspect to marriage as love, fidelity, trust, communication, etc. It's totally understandable that your drive may not be what it once was, but it's not acceptable to just expect him to accept a virtually sexless marriage. I'm sure if he took away one of the foundational aspects that you need in a marriage, you would be frustrated.
> 
> Even if your drive never changes, you should take the initiative to find ways to show him that you find him attractive and make him feel desired even if has nothing to do with sex. For example, do things like cuddle and fall asleep in each other's arms, caress his back when you're in the kitchen, lay your head on his lap while watching TV, and so on. These kinds of intimate actions can make him feel more desired on a regular basis without all the pressure of sex. You should be proactive about these kinds of actions so he doesn't feel like he's starving for affection and begging you to appease him.
> 
> ...


We definitely have other types of affection like cuddling we always sleep spooned and cuddle on the couch. I rub his shoulders every couple nights. We had sex two to three times a week because I initiated and made sure but recently less because he didn’t want me to initiate “for him”. And he rarely does now. I’m sincerely trying everything I know.


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your husband is very ungrateful.
> 
> Send him over to the "Dead Bedrooms" sub on Reddit and let him read there for an hour or two. He'll see what it's like for other guys who are married to women who *don't *give a rat's ass how much they want sex, and who *don't *try to please their husbands at all, who *never* initiate sex and say "no" ALL THE TIME, and for many men, it's been YEARS since they've had any type of sex at all.
> 
> ...


At my worst moments I feel that way. But I also recognize he has a true hormonal need as well. Plus outside of this issue things are dry good.


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> I'm not sure I followed all of that.
> You two have regular sex and you do not refuse him if he starts touching you and shows that he is wanting you?
> The problem is you told him that you do not really want it .....at the outset?
> I guess you shouldn't have told him that.
> ...


Well yes. Problem is it takes like ten minutes for me to be all in and I guess at times he could tell and it started a big discussion. Several actually. I should have been a better actress lol


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe I missed it. How often do you actually have sex? How often do you each provide each other affection, besides sex?


Well it was two to three times a week because I was mainly initiating. I’d say 80% of the time. But he says he could tell I wasn’t all in at the outset and we had previously had a discussion where he had told me he needed more. Was probably once a week then. So I started initiating to be sure it was what he needed. But he felt I was doing that “for him” and didn’t like that so told me to stop. But he doesn’t want to initiate either since he knows I’m less into it so here we are. It’s an skein the room now


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

University2016 said:


> Well it was two to three times a week because I was mainly initiating. I’d say 80% of the time. But he says he could tell I wasn’t all in at the outset and we had previously had a discussion where he had told me he needed more. Was probably once a week then. So I started initiating to be sure it was what he needed. But he felt I was doing that “for him” and didn’t like that so told me to stop. But he doesn’t want to initiate either since he knows I’m less into it so here we are. It’s an skein the room now


Elephant in the room*


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

University2016 said:


> Well yes. Problem is it takes like ten minutes for me to be all in and I guess at times he could tell and it started a big discussion. Several actually. I should have been a better actress lol


This is what I was refering to in my first post. If you have responsive desire, your husband is going to have to learn how to start 10 - 30 minutes earlier and get your mind and body ready for the actual event.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Knowing that you probably have responsive desire is something your husband needs to fully grok.

But so do you. If you know that you will get in the mood once the ball is rolling, then you have in you the capacity to see that even if you are not in the mood right now, you can certainly get there. That in turn should allow you to be more aggressive towards initiating sex. Even if your desire isn't spontaneous, you can intellectually force it knowing that ultimately you'll enjoy it as well, and your husband gets to feel desired the way he wants to be. Even if it's all a little bit of a facade, you're not doing things you don't want to do. You're just doing them a little out of your natural order.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

University2016 said:


> Well yes. Problem is it takes like ten minutes for me to be all in and I guess at times he could tell and it started a big discussion. Several actually. I should have been a better actress lol


OK, this should NOT be a race to the finish for your husband. HE needs to have patience and learn techniques to get your motor revved up. YOU ARE WILLING. It takes you 10 MINUTES to get into it--- and he can't wait that long? He can't work on YOU that long to get you into it?
HE needs to understand what it takes for YOU to enjoy this also and not be so selfish. I am a guy, and this is just WRONG -- you are equal partners. Sex isn't just for HIM to get his rocks off. You BOTH need to enjoy this, and if it takes a little longer, well GOOD. Good lord, unless all you ever want are quickies, I think a nice long drawn-out session is AWESOME.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

University2016 said:


> All I can say is that it’s not easy from thus side either. Feeling like you’re a failure as a wife, unable to fulfill your husband. We talked. AGAIN. It sucked. I’m thinking of watching some porn alone to get revved up and maybe that will help me be more what he’s wanting.


It may be as simple as saying out loud to him "honey, I want to have sex with you today/tonight" or whenever. 

The key words are "I want", and "you".

Sometimes the negative things a spouse may jokingly say, like "eeewww, no" but not really saying no, or whatever, a man, or woman can hear that only in the negative sense personally in the moment.

Like a man trying to be funny with a lighthearted comment on a woman's body part, and she has body issues already, she may get hurt feelings.

Both spouses would not mean anything serious or have ill intent, but like it takes ten attaboys to get past one "that sucks" comments, a few different words by either, can make a difference. 

Btw, my DW and I are 3-6 times a week on typical week, and that waxes and wanes depending on what's happening in life, and three is the minimum whatever is happening in life.
Unless we discuss a bit in our shorthand, a lack of frequency going on, in some extreme circumstances it rarely falls below four a week and can be six to eight.

We're in our late 50s, married 35 yrs.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep men say they don't like it when you fake it. But they don't like the truth either. They don't want to know that some of us women (ME) are responsive desire. When I"m revved up I think about sex, want sex, and pester my hubby for more sex than his system can actually handle. BUT.... if it has been a few days and my system has 'calmed' down then I don't really think about sex and could go months without it and not really miss it. It has nothing to do with desiring my husband or not. It is like them. It is just how my body works. Theirs they think about sex 20 times a day. The wind blows and some how they think about sex or getting a blow job.

So I have a couple suggestions. Only you know your husband so don't know which one might work.
1. Explain to your husband you have responsive desire, make it plain to him you enjoy sex and that it is NORMAL for lots of women to need a period of revving up. You initiate because you like sex and want to get there and enjoy it with him. 

2. Have you timed your response? By that I mean if I have a really good orgasm. I am actually horny about 4 hours later by myself. So I go after him again. I'm sure he can tell the difference between my responsive desire and my horny desire. If I have sex 2-3 times in two days the horniness lasts another 2 days or so. This means if I have sex daily I am more revved up from the beginning. Do you have a reflection period where this is true? Don't waste it have more sex.

3. Think more about sex on purpose. Sometimes the week gets in the way and we won't have sex for a day or two. When I feel like I 'should' have sex (but also because I'll enjoy it) I start thinking about sex around 2pm and keep thinking. NOT the worrisome thoughts about how will this go will he turn me down.. The thoughts of his hands on mine, the naked touching, the act itself the orgasm. It helps set the mood alittle. BUT he still have about 20 minutes of work to do. And he knows it. He accepts it and doesn't mind. You see I've framed it because it's true. He's the only one who can get me going and give me great orgasms and I want that from him. I don't masturbate because it doesn't do anything for me. ONLY him. He enjoys that, he doesn't mind this duty to give me great sex. Yours is viewing this a duty sex from you not duty sex FOR you. Do you orgasm? Well tell him you want some. 

4. Does he watch porn? Some men it effects them in that they think every woman is going to deliver a pizza see their manliness and drop down and suck their **** for pure desire. It can really damage male self esteem when they are married to a responsive desire. They think you don't love them or desire them because of the way YOUR body works. the way YOUR body would work with any man. It isn't as if some godsend would show up at your door and have something your husband doesn't and you would all of a sudden not be responsive desire. 

5. Make him your hero. Your sex god. Let him know you orgasm. and if you don't let's talk. Let him know that sex was good. After a good orgasm, I thank my husband. Sometimes when we are working say in the yard, I'll say hey I was thinking you could make me orgasm later. Or do your thing. Mine is very shy and doesn't talk a lot about sex. But he loves it if I give him an idea as to what I might like for the evening. I used to be shy but we can't both be. So I let him know sex is important to me, I grab his ass sometimes. I let him know I want it. I let him know I'll be waiting. He knows that most times I still need a warm up period. Sometimes that means I lay and let him warm me up. He's at an age sometimes he needs a warm up period. Sometimes that means I'll do some oral on him while he is doing some vibe on me. We weren't always like this but one year I read '50 shades of Grey' (don't get me started) and I decided to buy some toys and actually talk about sex. Turns out while we had a happy life and we were having sex...Things got a whole lot better and more orgasmic. Make sure you do enjoy sex. Then make sure he knows you enjoy. I don't have sex FOR my husband I have sex for me. I like to orgasm.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@University2016 you said it takes you about 10 minutes to get all in but you always get there. 
Are you acting sour for 10 mins?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

University2016 said:


> Well it was two to three times a week because I was mainly initiating. I’d say 80% of the time. But he says he could tell I wasn’t all in at the outset and we had previously had a discussion where he had told me he needed more. Was probably once a week then. So I started initiating to be sure it was what he needed. But he felt I was doing that “for him” and didn’t like that so told me to stop. But he doesn’t want to initiate either since he knows I’m less into it so here we are. It’s an skein the room now


As you have described your situation more, it seems like your husband has an unrealistic expectations for sex in long-term relationships. The passion easily found at the beginning of the relationship does not necessarily last for decades. The sex after 20 years becomes more subdued, just like many other aspects of the relationship. If he is unhappy because you don't have "new relationship" passion, he needs to consider if his expectations are realistic. I'm sure there are many aspects to the relationship where he has lost passion compared to the beginning. I would guess that at the beginning, he was much more attentive, communicative, made significant effort to plan romantic dates, and so on than he is today. It's unfair for him to expect you to have the same sexual desire you had at the beginning if he's not also at the same level of relationship passion he was at the beginning.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep men say they don't like it when you fake it. But they don't like the truth either. They don't want to know that some of us women (ME) are responsive desire. When I"m revved up I think about sex, want sex, and pester my hubby for more sex than his system can actually handle. BUT.... if it has been a few days and my system has 'calmed' down then I don't really think about sex and could go months without it and not really miss it. It has nothing to do with desiring my husband or not. It is like them. It is just how my body works. Theirs they think about sex 20 times a day. The wind blows and some how they think about sex or getting a blow job.
> 
> So I have a couple suggestions. Only you know your husband so don't know which one might work.
> 1. Explain to your husband you have responsive desire, make it plain to him you enjoy sex and that it is NORMAL for lots of women to need a period of revving up. You initiate because you like sex and want to get there and enjoy it with him.
> ...


Do this, and he'll never have another "talk" with you.

Or don't, it's your call, somewhere there's a middle ground.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There really are so many ways to correct this situation if both parties want to.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW there are many people on forums or in books that will say that you and I just don't love or desire our spouses. So he may have heard that or feel that. or your their plan B if you were more manly then your spouse would want to take you. Completely ignorant of how responsive desire works. I love and desire my husband so much that if he died I don't think I would ever date or remarry.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> BTW there are many people on forums or in books that will say that you and I just don't love or desire our spouses. So he may have heard that or feel that. or your their plan B if you were more manly then your spouse would want to take you. Completely ignorant of how responsive desire works. I love and desire my husband so much that if he died I don't think I would ever date or remarry.


I don't think that's entirely fair. I don't know anyone who doesn't want to feel desired by their spouse. One who never initiates intimacy requires from you a lot of internal reinforcement that they actually want you. 

When I read "I don't think I would ever date or remarry", I hear lots of good things, but I don't specifically hear desire.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Then you aren't listening. So OP when I say many men..... One just stepped up to give you an example.

Many men would kill for the sex life me and my husband have but those who can only see desire by spontaneous wetness will never understand. 

But until you have a conversation with him you won't know if he can see that you do desire him and relish being with him but that doesn't always translate to one look and your wet. BTW lube is a friend. As women age even if they are horny as hell there can still be dryness.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Then you aren't listening. So OP when I say many men..... One just stepped up to give you an example.
> 
> Many men would kill for the sex life me and my husband have but those who can only see desire by spontaneous wetness will never understand.
> 
> But until you have a conversation with him you won't know if he can see that you do desire him and relish being with him but that doesn't always translate to one look and your wet. BTW lube is a friend. As women age even if they are horny as hell there can still be dryness.


I'm pretty sure that's not what I said. But by all means, be as dismissive as your heart desires. Me? I should have bought stock in lube when I was younger. Would have made a mint since I have not once in my marriage ever had sex without it as my wife doesn't ever lubricate such that it isn't necessary, but has managed quite convincingly to let me know that every once in a while she does in fact desire me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Besides having no game, your husband doesn't behave like a high desire spouse. If he were craving chocolate ice cream, would he sit on the couch and whine that it wasn't in the freezer? Or, would he get his ass up and drive to the store and get some?

He has two choices: he can start flirting and playing around with you a few hours before sack time to get you in the mood or he can take it as it comes and be glad. No one wants to screw a gloomy gus.


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## University2016 (May 4, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @University2016 you said it takes you about 10 minutes to get all in but you always get there.
> Are you acting sour for 10 mins?


I thought I was doing a good job of just trying to concentrate on sex and getting into it but he says my eyes are closed and I have an expression on my face when we aren’t kissing. I’m just thinking of what’s to come and try to get in the mood. He wants me to already be in the mood


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You sound like a great person who has been through quite a bit.
It sounds like the real solution is a "Hybrid" approach, where you may have to push your comfort level some and your husband may have to adjust his regimen to improve your "Windup" time.
What are the foreplay type things that get you going? Would a "Makeout" session on the couch prior to going in the bedroom help? Would masturbating solo enough to take the edge off to get you going and decrease your response time, prior to coming on to/ and or making yourself available help? If so, encourage incorporating these things into your sex life.
In the bedroom, would changing the order of events help? Are there things that you two could incorporate that might be new and exciting that could help?
Sometimes, going back to the basics is the best way to create a happy medium. Best of luck.


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