# Married but feel like never got chance to explore self...



## cutenurse (Nov 30, 2011)

Hello,

I have been married for 3 years to a really great guy who I've known now for 11 years! We dated throughout university and he was basically my only long-term relationship. We got married bc it felt like the most logical thing to do (since we had been dating for 7 years!) and bc we were/are each other's best friend. The past while I have felt like I never really got a chance to explore the world or discover who I really am bc I only dated 1 guy and dedicated all my time to following him around for our whole dating life. I love him very much and know that I want him to be in my life but at the same time I feel like I owe it to myself to 'get to know' me as a person and strengthen that area of my life now. I have always wanted to live in British Columbia and have career opportunities to go there if I want (I'm a nurse)...we live in Ontario now which is better for his career (insurance). There isn't much work for him in Vancouver right now as his company is outsourcing the work to Ontario...but things could change with the economy who knows? Should I jump at this opportunity to live in a place that completely suits me more than Ontario? I am active, love fitness, love nature, hate winter, and love the ocean (originally born in newfoundland). BC offers all of these things for me! I know I'd be much happier there but not sure if I should take the risk that he may never find work there  It could be years before we'd live together again...

Any advice? I just feel like it's now or never for doing something like this bc we're in our 30's...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think it's important to find out what your husband thinks about your plans first and foremost. He should be in agreement with you 100%, and whatever is decided should make you BOTH happy, not just yourself.


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## cutenurse (Nov 30, 2011)

Thanks for you reply! Yes I do know that I need to include him in my plans  We have started to discuss it but he just feels like I'm 'leaving him'. Our whole marriage I have always felt like our discussions are really my agreeing to whatever convincing statements he makes (but I know that he is only thinking of my best interests). I'm not trying to be selfish now but there comes a point when one has to stop always giving in to the other person. Sometimes I feel 'manipulated' bc whenever we talk, I had a point in mind, but in the end I somehow forget what that point was and I end of agreeing to whatever points he makes. Never feels like we're 'negotiating'. I will talk about it some more with him though and let you know what happens


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## cutenurse (Nov 30, 2011)

I should mention too that his company may require him to go to the Montreal office (bc they are downsizing a bit)...he can stay here (in Toronto) but eventually everyone at his office will be relocated (in a few years). Should I then be forced to move to Montreal for his work? Lots to discuss...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I believe that everything has it's place. Work has it's place in a marriage. That said, if moving where it's lucrative for him is best in the long run for you both, then that's what you have to do. It's not conceding, it's cooperating. He has more unknowns than you, due to the type of work he does. With that in mind, you likely will have to go where the work is for him, and that means you're compromising more than you would like for the sake of your relationship... but you know what? That's what marriage is about. Military wives have to do this all the time. It's not always what they WANT but for the sake of their family they will do what they have to do.

I can kind of see why he would feel like you're leaving him. You don't sound too invested in him emotionally. He looks at you like a partner who wants to leave and go start their own business elsewhere. Can you see how he would feel this way? 

Also, it's not HIS fault you don't stand your ground. If you're feeling like he always gets his way, it's because it's true. He does, and you give it to him. You have control over that. Giving should be a mutual exercise in your relationship. If it's not, then that needs to be discussed and worked out. Remember, you both need to be in 100% agreement on decisions or else resentment builds. It sounds like it already has with you, so you need to talk about that with him.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If you want to remain married to each other you will both go TOGETHER to where ever it is that best suits your relationship. If his job provides well enough to over come other issues you move with him so he can keep it. If it makes you miserable to be anywhere other than BC, economics be damned then the two of you suck it up and move to BC and sort out the finances later - TOGETHER. 

Of course these are the two ends of the stick, reality will likely be somewhere in the middle, marriage is after all, the art of compromise. The key point is that whatever you do you do it TOGETHER. If you get distracted talking with him, write him a letter. Not an email, not a text message, a good old fashioned letter that you have to take your time writing, reading and rereading and being sure that you write what you really mean. Once your thoughts and feelings are on paper they can't be changed, twisted, confused or redirected. Ask him to respond the same way if necessary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can do stuff to find yourself. Just do it together.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you are trying to justify leaving your husband. 

I think the move to BC is more about getting away from your husband and trying to find yourself than it is about your 'want' to live in BC. Just the way you described your situation. I think moving to BC with your husband isn't really what you are looking for.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your husband.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

It's hard being a grown up ain't it?


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## cutenurse (Nov 30, 2011)

I WANT him to join me in BC but we're so different...I feel like he'd resent ME for bringing him there. He wants to remain close to the family whereas I have no problem branching out. We're both trying to convince the other of going to different places! It isn't about me trying to 'get away' from him at all...I just think whenever we go, if it was MY idea, he'd find some way to make me feel like a fool for bringing us there  Not sure I can handle that with such a big move between provinces (maybe between cities). That's why I would go alone first before dragging us both down the path...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cutenurse said:


> That's why I would go alone first before dragging us both down the path...


There is no reason that you need to move now. There will always be job openings in your field later. For him moving is more problematic, thus he should look for and find a job there first if that is where you both decide to live. 

As a husband the issue that I would have with your statements is that leaving him to live on your own comes to easy to you. You do not value living with him very much. You would do it by choice because you value living in this new place more than you value living with him. If I were him I would really have my doubts about your commitment to the marriage.

If you leave without him, you may as well file for divorce because that is where this is heading.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, these are certainly issues you'll need to face head on before having children, if that is indeed in your future plans.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Well, these are certainly issues you'll need to face head on before having children, if that is indeed in your future plans.


Amen to that. For God's sake don't have children until the two of you are much more on the same page than it sounds like you are now.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you are trying to justify leaving your husband.


:iagree:

She may not be consciously aware of it yet or not able to admit it to herself, but it's obvious that's what she is talking herself into. Her husband gets recast as the villain and away she goes without having to feel guilty for ending her marriage.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

I'm going to be the one that says it a little differently, sorry if it sounds awful. 

I believe you only get ONE life. One life to live the way YOU want. 

YOU are making it sound like you didn't get to live. Are you going to regret this when you're older and still with him wherever he wants? 

If YOU want to "live your life", it sounds to me like the only way you're going to chose to do this is to move to BC with or without him. And from the sounds of your last post, I think you'd prefer if he didn't come based on the information given that he would "resent" you for it. 

If you want to leave to live for YOU, then own your decision. It's not hard to tell why he always "wins" the discussions, through the way you talk here. 

If you want to work on your marriage and do what is right for BOTH of you, then you have to make the sound decision that is right together. 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you're going to be 90 and still wondering what decision to make...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If the two of you value your marriage, you should ...

1) Take a vacation out to BC to see if you really want to pack up and leave. Do this together and maybe he will like what he sees. It is a very nice place.

2) If you decide to make the move, both of you need to start looking for a job for him out there. Once he gets a job out there, you can start looking for a nursing job, which should be easier than his job search.

3) Move together. Maybe make a plan in regards to travelling east a couple of times a year to visit family. Make sure the decision is done together so that he can't blame anything that happens on you.

If you don't value your marriage, file for divorce and move to BC.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I dunno- it kind of sounds like you're starting on that long toboggan ride down the hill of "married too young, didn't sow my oats, will eventually resent my husband and end up cheating on him, after all, I'm perfectly justified."

Don't do that. Please don't be that person.

If you're married, it's up to the two of you, TOGETHER, to make these choices. If you don't want him to be a part of the choices, you need to not be married.

I agree wholehearted with Sam's advice. If you want to move to BC (with him), it's up to you to show him why it's attractive (and help with the job hunt). If you want to move to BC because you "didn't get to live" before you got married... divorce the guy and let him move on.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The "find myself" statemenets by a married woman scare the crap out of me. 

Look inside yourself and be sure that moving is what you want to do. I'm sure you guys can come to a compromise.


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## MNM (Nov 30, 2011)

I agree with Wifeofhusband. You can find yourself WITH your husband, unless, you don't really want to. When you make a commitment to someone else, you really need to consider the other persons needs and desires as well.

That being said, I live in Vancouver. It is very hard to start a family here unless you are wealthy.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You don't really sound like marriage material. If you have no kids, do him a favor and break your vows and "find" yourself. Gag.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

It looks like the OP did not like what she was hearing and is not coming back.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you are trying to justify leaving your husband.
> 
> I think the move to BC is more about getting away from your husband and trying to find yourself than it is about your 'want' to live in BC. Just the way you described your situation. I think moving to BC with your husband isn't really what you are looking for.
> 
> I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your husband.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is an attempt to justify leaving your husband. You canl earn about yourself right where you are. What a pile of BS!!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

cutenurse said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been married for 3 years to a really great guy who I've known now for 11 years! We dated throughout university and he was basically my only long-term relationship. We got married bc it felt like the most logical thing to do (since we had been dating for 7 years!) and bc we were/are each other's best friend. The past while I have felt like I never really got a chance to explore the world or discover who I really am bc I only dated 1 guy and dedicated all my time to following him around for our whole dating life. I love him very much and know that I want him to be in my life but at the same time I feel like I owe it to myself to 'get to know' me as a person and strengthen that area of my life now. I have always wanted to live in British Columbia and have career opportunities to go there if I want (I'm a nurse)...we live in Ontario now which is better for his career (insurance). There isn't much work for him in Vancouver right now as his company is outsourcing the work to Ontario...but things could change with the economy who knows? Should I jump at this opportunity to live in a place that completely suits me more than Ontario? I am active, love fitness, love nature, hate winter, and love the ocean (originally born in newfoundland). BC offers all of these things for me! I know I'd be much happier there but not sure if I should take the risk that he may never find work there  It could be years before we'd live together again...
> 
> Any advice? I just feel like it's now or never for doing something like this bc we're in our 30's...


I've read this post a couple of times now - I was trying not to 'project' because we love to travel. 

What is apparent are the amount of "I" and "me" in your words. It does sound like you just want to go and try life without him. Be prepared to lose him if you do this. I'm not suggesting you should stay with him or that you should go, I'm simply saying to be aware that you may be letting go of the relationship if you're thinking down this path. 

Another thing I noticed is you said "I know I'd be much happier there..." with regards to moving to BC. Honey, don't fool yourself. In some ways if we're not living in a place that is suited to us, then yes, you might enjoy things more being elsewhere. On the other hand, it's still you. You are who you are whether you're living there or in BC. 

And in saying all of this, if the urge to explore living elsewhere is such a strong feeling that you feel you must - then do it. Just make sure you're fully aware of the potential consequences, both good and bad, if you do.

My hubs loves consistency. I thrive on change. He used to like having 5 year plans, I was more about the next few months. Somehow we've managed to balance each other. We have traveled and lived in different cities together. He knew that I had this urge inside to explore. It's something he loves about me and he enjoys traveling too. These plans were always about 'us' though. Moving countries took it's toll on us slightly and it wasn't all good - and of course it wasn't all bad. It was what it was. It was experience. Doing this has also made us both reflect. Being in a different place isn't going to bring you happiness. And we're also thankful that _together_ we have some amazing moments shared, being in unfamiliar places. We'd do it again in a heartbeat but the difference is 'we'.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

cutenurse said:


> Thanks for you reply! Yes I do know that I need to include him in my plans  We have started to discuss it but he just feels like I'm 'leaving him'. Our whole marriage I have always felt like our discussions are really my agreeing to whatever convincing statements he makes (but I know that he is only thinking of my best interests). I'm not trying to be selfish now but there comes a point when one has to stop always giving in to the other person. Sometimes I feel 'manipulated' bc whenever we talk, I had a point in mind, but in the end I somehow forget what that point was and I end of agreeing to whatever points he makes. Never feels like we're 'negotiating'. I will talk about it some more with him though and let you know what happens


Moving to BC isn't going to change this - chances are, you'll be like this with someone else or in other aspects of your life.

This is about you. Sure, maybe the dynamic of communication between you needs to change but you're probably going to need to instigate that to ensure you're heard and feelings validated. You need to validate yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to separate and tell your husband exactly how many men you need to to "date" before you two can get back together and be a real family. By the way, did you know that nurses are in the top three cheating professions? What's up with that? Praying for your husband, he needs them.

Of course, he will be crushed but hey,he'll get over it, sometimes they do. Besides he needs a better wife than you. Yeah , that's the ticket. Give him the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech.

Actually,they never get over it.


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