# Monitoring software: Trust, Protection, or Evidence?



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

My W is out of state for work for about 10 days. I am debating whether I should turn on the Monitoring Software I had previously installed on her phone. It is cutting edge and provides everything you could want that involves electronic communication, GPS, VR, etc. I tried it out back in April but shut it off after a successful test.

One year ago was Dday for us. She finally felt comfortable that enough time had passed (11+ yrs) so she could finally tell me the whole story about 4 OM she had relationships with when we were separated. I knew about one of them and suspected another at the time. Hearing her tell me about the others and the unknown details of all were both devastating and fascinating, all at the same time. I had no idea just how good of a liar and deceiver she could be. We worked thru all of this thru IC/MC and some intense personal analysis. I also contacted the OM/OMW (where possible) to make sure I had the full, confirmed story (as much as you can, anyway). 

We are in a good place in our marriage now, but I don't think I will 
ever fully trust her. This is her first extended absence since D-day (other than a day or 2 away here and there). 

So is turning on the Monitoring Software demonstrating that I don't fully trust her (which is true), or is it simply protecting myself and providing possible evidence in case something happens? I know some will say if you don't trust her, how can you stay married to her? This year is our 20th, and I am sticking with her. But I won't be made a fool of again thanks to modern technology.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

I would just for fun, I love spy tech

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If you're determined to stay w/ her no matter what, then what's the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

A spouse who cheats isn't worthy of trust. She has no right to expect to be trusted. So I don't see any reason why you shouldn't turn it on.

I don't understand why not "being made a fool of" is your primary concern though. Seems like her sleeping with another man would be your primary concern.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

The spouse who stays after the betrayal will never fully trust again. I think that's just human nature. Plus, I don't know how other's feel but I felt like a fool for so long because when you are sharing your life, space, love with someone else, I pried myself in feeling that I truly knew who this person is/was only to be slapped in the face that l really didn't know him at all. People let you see what they want you to see. At a time when I felt the happiest in my marriage, my H was having an affair. I grapple with this fact daily because I truly had no clue. In hindsight, I can see things I should have questioned but made excuses for it. So, I've learned to never say never. Now, for my peace of mind I routinely put VAR in his car. He doesn't know this but I needed it to put all the uncertainties to rest. I would advise you to do what will bring you peace but be prepared for the results.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

you monitor as long as you feel the need to.

when it becomes excessive and takes control is when there is a problem.


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## Thomas Quinn (Jun 18, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're determined to stay w/ her no matter what, then what's the point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Posting as former Tom67...
Do you want to be a prison warden forever?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Thomas Quinn said:


> Posting as former Tom67...
> Do you want to be a prison warden forever?


Makes you wonder who is in Prison and who is the Warden?


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> So is turning on the Monitoring Software demonstrating that I don't fully trust her (which is true), or is it simply protecting myself and providing possible evidence in case something happens? I know some will say if you don't trust her, how can you stay married to her? This year is our 20th, and I am sticking with her. But I won't be made a fool of again thanks to modern technology.


Consider it an act of care and "cherishing" your wife by holding her accountable and making certain that she's not making a huge mistake that will ultimately destroy her life too.

If and when you confirm nothing is going on ~~ it affirms your trust in her; and, in time, you'll trust your instincts again and probably not have to do it anymore or very often.

My wife and I are both free to check up on each other whenever and however either of us decides. That is how you build (or rebuild) trust not by blindly trusting someone. I doubt she's doing it and I'm not but I try to behave as if she's watching anyway. If your spouse can't hold you accountable for your behavior ~ who will?

Also, why do you think you need to demonstrate you trust her by not spying on her? It's not like you are going to tell her you thought about spying on her but didn't. How about this trick, tell her you spied on her using some other method when you didn't and if she gets upset about it ~ THEN you actually know you have a problem that needs to be investigated. 

People with nothing to hide ~ hide nothing.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're determined to stay w/ her no matter what, then what's the point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not "no matter what". I will not go down that path again. But now I am better prepared to be more informed if the conditions and behaviors start to degrade into a pre-affair state.

I only wished I had this technology back then.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Quite simply, you will ALWAYS need to "trust, but verify". Part of the aftermath of her infidelity!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> It is not "no matter what". I will not go down that path again. But now I am better prepared to be more informed if the conditions and behaviors start to degrade into a pre-affair state.
> 
> I only wished I had this technology back then.


Remind us... what is it that your wife does for work?

And what -- specifically -- is taking her out of town?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> It is not "no matter what". I will not go down that path again. But now I am better prepared to be more informed if the conditions and behaviors start to degrade into a pre-affair state.
> 
> I only wished I had this technology back then.


Gus is on to something ~~ 

one of those "conditions" you should be concerned about is required overnight travel. Especially for extended periods of time.

Her job should serve her/your marriage and family ~ not the other way around. Her traveling obviously triggers you. 

There are certainly successful marriages where one or both spouses sometimes have to travel for work. But it's a calculated risk. The most successful marriages, make it a priority to spend every night together in the same bed. 

Our lead pastor is always pushing the idea of modeling success. If you want to be a success at something ~ whether it's being a Christian and modeling Jesus or being a great spouse by modeling other great spouses, the do what they did/do. 

You cherish your wife and aren't exactly sure she's trustworthy. Spy on her and inspect what you expect of her and for her.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I would be panicking right now if I had to go out of town for work for a week. Not that I would do something, but I would be very worried I’d be triggering my husband and causing distrust. I know that Find my iPhone is on my phone already. I would first be asking my husband to come along with me if he could. Secondly, I would ask him how comfortable he was with me leaving (to which he wouldn’t answer because he doesn’t talk about anything) so therefore I would OFFER him any peace of mind I was able to give by asking if he would like to use any kind of monitoring software when I leave.

My coworker put his two weeks in last week. I’m not close to the guy as in we talk outside of work and hang out, but we sit right next to each other at work so we talk a lot. J golfed with him last summer. He always calls me the b*tchy older sister he never had and I call him the pain in the a$$ little brother I never wanted. They’re having a going away party for him at a bar this Thursday night. My entire department is men, outside of my boss who does not drink and will not attend. I refuse to go sit at a bar with 8 men regardless of the fact that I have zero intention to ever do what I did again. I text J, gave him the details and told him I’d like to be there to send my coworker friend off to greener pastures. I requested that he come along and told him that I will not be going alone.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Living with a wife whose activities you have to monitor? How do you live like that? Isn't that stressful? You can free yourself of that stress anytime you know.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > It is not "no matter what". I will not go down that path again. But now I am better prepared to be more informed if the conditions and behaviors start to degrade into a pre-affair state.
> ...


She is an author, and this is a combination writer's conference and book release/signing event.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Serve her with Divorce papers once she goes to this trip and then be happy for the rest of your life. Simple as that.


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## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

Is she aware that this software is on her phone? If she is then she could easily avoid being caught.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Serve her with Divorce papers once she goes to this trip and then be happy for the rest of your life. Simple as that.


Divorce papers, why would I do that?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TNC said:


> Is she aware that this software is on her phone? If she is then she could easily avoid being caught.


She has no idea that this software is in place, and would not be able to find it even if she tried.
In the past she has said she is OK with me knowing where she is and who she is with because she has nothing to hide.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Just turn it on, you know that's what you want to do. Face it, what's the reason you put it on in the first place ... To keep an eye on her. You have good reason to do it .... So do it!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Just do it. Unfortunately altough healed from the affair you are jsutifiably left with the scars. 

Turn it on monitor quietly and leave it at that. At best it would allay your fears or at worst it will keep you well informed so this doesnt happen again


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It is on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

And I imagine if this monitoring software turns up something incriminating, you'll still justify staying with her. I've read your threads, and it seems like the real problem isn't your wife treating you like a doormat...it's the fact that you either a) enjoy it or b) have such low self esteem that you tolerate it.

No disrespect, I just don't know what it will take for you to leave her, at this point.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> And I imagine if this monitoring software turns up something incriminating, you'll still justify staying with her. I've read your threads, and it seems like the real problem isn't your wife treating you like a doormat...it's the fact that you either a) enjoy it or b) have such low self esteem that you tolerate it.
> 
> No disrespect, I just don't know what it will take for you to leave her, at this point.


If it ever happens again, I'm gone. And she knows that. No more Mr. Doormat.
If I found out that some guys were taking turns banging her over a multi-year period again, somebody's gonna turn up dead, and it won't be me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> If it ever happens again, I'm gone. And she knows that. No more Mr. Doormat.
> If I found out that some guys were taking turns banging her over a multi-year period again, somebody's gonna turn up dead, and it won't be me.


I think it should be way before that, though, to be honest. She goes to the store, and comes home filling your head with a story about the sales guy who sounds like a kid, hitting on her. (which is probably the other way around, given her track history) You say she's always telling you about other guys complimenting her, etc. It just seems like an exhausting way to live. It's admirable that you uphold your marriage, but in my eyes, your wife makes a fool out of you. 

Hope you stay true to yourself.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> If it ever happens again, I'm gone. And she knows that. No more Mr. Doormat.
> If I found out that some guys were taking turns banging her over a multi-year period again, somebody's gonna turn up dead, and it won't be me.


Don't ruin your life because somebody else is a f*ck up. It's best to dump them cold, move on, and be happy. With that said, it can be very satisfying to go scorched earth on your way out. Nothing wrong with that. I know I've enjoyed the hell out of it.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> My W is out of state for work for about 10 days. I am debating whether I should turn on the Monitoring Software I had previously installed on her phone.


I don't know your story as well as some others who have posted. In general, I think that you should turn it on, not to catch your wife, but as a way to build trust. Finding that there is continuously nothing there can be effective in rebuilding some trust.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Whoa, I hope you'd leave before murdering your wife.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've seen couples like this in life, who are so incredibly toxic for each other, but the sex is hot. And maybe that's what keeps them together? Not sure. But, MAJDEATH, your marriage is incredibly toxic, and dysfunctional. No one is perfect, everyone has a bad day. But, your wife sounds like she plays you every chance she gets, because you BOTH seem to thrive on high drama. It's best to know why you accept or do the things you do, because that's the only way you'll truly heal. On some level, I can't help but think that you don't feel good enough about yourself, and maybe your wife gets attention from men, so you feel like keeping her is a reward of some type. Or that you must have worth, if she doesn't leave you. But, she plays you, because you let her.

And frankly, she's too old to be playing anyone. lol It's stuff people do when they're in high school, or college, when many people are still 'finding themselves.' 

Anyway, you get one life, and you seem to be intent on wasting it on someone who enjoys playing you because she's toxic. The fact that you're even still using monitoring software should be sending huge warning signals to your brain, that you're addicted to this person. Love doesn't look like this. True love, anyway. Just trying to help you see the forest through the trees.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Everything was cool in our marriage until about a year ago, when she felt the need to tell me about 4 OM from 10+ yrs ago. I guess she figured enough time had passed that I wouldn't dump her once I learned the truth. 

I wouldn't say our relationship is toxic, as we have entered a new phase of our marriage better able to deal with issues as they arise.

As far as getting played by her- I guess some lucky lady was going to be my princess, so it might as well be her.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Everything was cool in our marriage until about a year ago, when she felt the need to tell me about 4 OM from 10+ yrs ago. I guess she figured enough time had passed that I wouldn't dump her once I learned the truth.


I am somewhat familiar with your story but one thing that is unclear to me is the status of your relationship with your wife when this occurred. Were you guys separated at the time?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Everything was cool in our marriage until about a year ago, when she felt the need to tell me about 4 OM from 10+ yrs ago. I guess she figured enough time had passed that I wouldn't dump her once I learned the truth.
> ...


When she told me or when it happened? We were mostly separated when OM occurred.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I guess I was just trying to determine if you guys were together as a couple when she was seeing other men. That makes a big difference. For some people separation means they are allowed to date. But that is wrong if she never told you about her intentions, and it sounds like she didn't.


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## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

She told you 10 years after the fact, which I can't understand. To ease her guilt? Or to hurt you? Seems to me that's worse than finding out right away. Now you get to pick apart the last ten years of your life, everything you thought about your marriage wasn't really exactly that way. Nothing is after an affair. What an awful place to find yourself.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

W returned from her trip. Absolutely nothing questionable about her movements, texts, e-mails, social media, conversations, purchases, etc. She had opportunities galore.

So that is good news.


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