# Not sure what is going on...



## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

I guess anybody that has been through this or understands this please help me.

I have been married for 13 years and I can really say that as time goes on I seem to fall more in love with my wife. The cross road that I am at is a tough one for me. Prior to my marriage I had been hurt pretty bad and for what ever reason I have had a trust issue to a degree. At the present time my wife works for a company that is global and she deals with people all over the US. She does not travel, I don't think I could deal with that =|. She has co-workers that she will stay up late and talk to them over IM or Facebook and she says she needs to get some work done but I think she spends more time talking then working. She says they are just friends and there is nothing there but I take it as a insult to our marriage. I she does this alot during the week and in a way I feel like I have to compete to get her attention? I don't know where the line of work and co-workers/friends and our personal life is. I know where I hold my standards at are not the same as hers. I try and give because I can not expect her to be like me it is just hard and I know the kids feel it also. She complains that she is a bad mom and can't give the kids what they need and I am sure I feel less then great when I give her a hard time about always talking to these other guys, because I think it is wrong. or am I wrong?

I hope some of this makes sense I am very confused and hurt on what to do. I love my wife and think she is my world but why is this so hard?


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Wow, when I first started reading your post I thought you were my husband. We have very similar lives. 

I can say, as someone that is going through a very similar situation, your wife is spending this time chatting because she is not getting the attention from you. After 13 years it is very hard not to fall into a patterned behavior. Never forget the little things. Be sure to tell her you still find her attractive, set up spontaneous date nights, initiate sex, help around the house....

If you truly love your wife, make sure she knows that.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

13years said:


> I can say, as someone that is going through a very similar situation, your wife is spending this time chatting because she is not getting the attention from you.


Nine times out of ten I would fully agree with this statement, however the distancing and lack of attention to her own children gives me pause. There is likely something deeper then just a lack of attention from hubby behind this. Questions for 1VC:

What areas of the marriage do you feel you are lacking in that your wife would seek attention from others?

Is her contact with many or is there someone in particular you are concerned about?

Has your wife ever suffered from depression or other emotional issues?

How is the rest of the relationship with your children?


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

I wish it was that, I plan a lot of things or special things for her. I tell her every day how good she looks. I leave her little notes around the house. On the weekends I get up early and run to Starbucks and get her coffee before she gets out of bed. I make the kids breakfast every day. I do all of the house laundry I could go on, but I really do make a effort to pamper/make her feel special. What more can be done?


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

Amplexor:

There is not just one guy ( couple and they are like 10 years younger then her ) There was one in particular that she shared more then what I find appropriate for a marriage. By that I mean she felt that she was in a funk and she was not making me happy. So they talked about private things to help spice up our life (in the bed) She feels very comfortable with this person and I kind of get that but when she would send him photos of her laying out in the sun (only in her underwear) and joking about her belly I took a fence to that because I see a beautiful woman and she doesn't to a degree. So she says it was a harmless photo and I see a sexy photo. She is a athlectic woman and looks very hot. So in her eyes she was joking about her car belly =| which she really doesn't have. 

As for the marriage I am not sure I think some of it is that I am fighting for attention between her boyfriends/co-workers and all of her girl friends that she wants to do things with and I get time when she finds time. So in a way I am a little jealous and I know that is not right but I don't think a husband should have to feel this way. 

She has some personal things in her life that might make me think that she is having some sort of depression. She is having a hard time with her mom right know, they are not talking. She is just starting to have girl friends again that she enjoys a ton, which I am happy for her. But I think she is lost in where she is in her life right know, with how to deal with the kids and a husband that is looking for some attention.

She feels that she is a bad mom right know. She feels that she can not give the kids what they need right now. She think it is her and I think it is how she is running her life at the moment and I don't know how to tell her with out making her feel like she is a bad person/wife/mother. She is the type of person that likes to figure things out for her self but I know she needs some help I can see it in her face and it cruses me.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

I am very sorry 1veryconfused. If my husband did the thing you do I would not be getting separated. I wish you the best of luck.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

Best of luck 13years!! Sorry to hear yours will be ending I try to look at it that nobody is perfect and we all need to meat in the middle but I know that can not always happen and that is said. =| Thanks for sharing and giving your input!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

1VC

There are several issues/questions I see in your last few posts. First off is the doting. Have you always waited on her hand and foot or is this a way of you trying to gain her good graces and attention of late. Are you over reacting in supplying this kind of service and is she simply taking for granted your kindness and commitment. Secondly on this subject are “acts of service” her love language. If it has not already been suggested read Chapman’s The Five Languages of Love. If her language is “words of affirmation” then the language you are trying to speak to her in isn’t having an impact. Understand both of your languages. You should both read it and discuss what is important to each of you in conveying and receiving love.

While you suspect depression might be an issue I’d be more concerned about self image which could be related. Her comments about her physical appearance and being a poor mother reflect that. I suspect the picture to the other men was a request for positive affirmation of her looks. Especially if they are younger. Yes she should seek that from you but she needs validation. And if you tell her how great she looks everyday she doesn’t need it form you. You didn’t go into why she is not speaking to her mother but my gut would suggest the break down could be related to self image. 

When she is in contact with these people and specifically the men you are concerned about, does she do it in front of you? Does she try and hide anything from you? When you discussed the picture you sent, did she become defensive? My biggest concern as far as outside forces goes is that it can be damaging to the marriage to be discussing the most intimate factors in your marriage (Bedroom) with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe I’m sexist here but I don’t trust other men in discussing those kind of things with my wife and not feel they are up to something no good. 

In the short term since she is concerned about her time with the kids, schedule a family night for each week. Nothing special just to all sit down and play a board game for a couple of hours as a family. And if you are not doing so already make sure you all sit down to dinner together as often as possible. The positives for this for couples and children is huge.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

Ordered book, thanks for that.

On telling her how she looks do I do more harm by saying it almost everyday then if I hold back and only say it every now and then? I am sure I say it to much and maybe it has lost it's meaning from me? I hope not. I think her mother is more of a weight on her shoulders and caused some stress, especialy say around a holliday ( Easter ).

She did not do it in front of me because she knows how I feel about it, so it is a double edge sword for me. One I don't like it and if she does it in front of me she knows it bothers me. Then if she does it behind my back it raises more questions to me. True I do not trust any guy and she knows that, but her rebuttal is don't you trust me..... I feel she puts tomuch trust in other people because she is so very friendly with people (opposite sex).

I am trying to make the kids more centered in our lives instead of one of us taking care of them at a time. If I could get her to look at her work a little different... Let me explain. She works from home and when are oldest comes home, he is 7, and his cousin comes over at 3 she still try to work which some times happens and sometimes not. Then when I get home, 6, we eat and give the kids baths and get them ready for bed then she typically goes back to work. So I really don't get to see her or at least how I feel it to be quality time. Then see starts her conversations with those people till the wee hours of the night and I get bothered by it, is that wrong?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

1veryconfused said:


> So I really don't get to see her or at least how I feel it to be quality time. Then see starts her conversations with those people till the wee hours of the night and I get bothered by it, is that wrong?


One of the languages of love is “quality time” and it is likely that may be yours. Are you wrong in this, absolutely not. You are asking your wife to fulfill a need for you and she is not doing it. If you do not suspect there is anything going on under the surface with these contacts then she still needs to put a higher priority on your needs. The book might be very helpful there but you both need to read it.

I have no way of telling if your consistent complements to her are over kill or not. Like I said, if her love language is not words of affirmation then they mean little to her. You are also correct that the words may have lost their meaning for her. Try mixing it up in how you tell her. Verbally and non verbally. My wife doesn’t take complements well but once while she was getting something out of the fridge she turned and caught me looking at her butt. She asked, “Are you staring at my butt?” Is simply looked her in the eyes and responded “Absolutely.” That was followed by a blush and a smile by her. She really enjoyed the attention.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks for your input!! I know the worst thing I can do is assume on these things and the hard part is my head seems to get the better part of me which is not maybe what is going on.


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