# Blindsided with "I'm not in love anymore" after 8 great years



## MrHurting

I married my high school sweetheart after college and have been married 8 wonderful years. We have always been best friends and both enjoy the same things in life like, boating, traveling, cars, hanging out with friends, golf, etc. Neither of us has ever desired kids, and so we have a pretty lavish lifestyle with nice things and spend our weekends traveling, whether it be to the lake, mexico, or to see friends in around the country we are always on the go and enjoying life to fullest. 

The first 3-4 years of our marriage was for the most part good, with what I would consider typical fighting over silly things as we both were young and still growing up. We sat down very maturely and worked through many of our problems. The past 4 years have been the best years of our lives. We never argue, communicate great, and love each other very much.

The past few months I noticed she had become very distant and was acting very unusual, like nothing I had seen before. The sex stopped, she had little interest in what I was doing, the phone calls and txt throughout the workday stopped, etc. She lost her Grandmother about 10 months ago and is still having a hard time with it from time to time. Additionally, we have another couple whom we are very good friends with going through a divorce. I assumed these things were causing her distance, but last week while on vacation she dropped the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" card on me and says that she lost feelings 6 months ago and has been hiding it.

I am in complete shock and disbelief. At first she noted that I don't pay enough attention to her, compliment her enough, etc. She also mentioned that she feels like she is always competing for time with me over my mother. We spend probably 6-8 weekends a year with my mother at her lake house, and being an only son she does rely on me for a lot of things, but I try my best to not involve my wife with those or take time away from my wife to eliminate those concerns. We have talked a lot since she dropped the shock on me and she just keeps saying she is scared, wants the feelings to come back, and doens't know why they left. She still loves me dearly I can tell and she cries everytime she looks at me knowing that she is hurting me dearly. 

It's been a week and things seem to be getting worse. She acts normal about chores around the house, or going to dinner with friends, etc., but she can't be in the same room alone with me, can't hug me, kiss me, etc. 

She's really trying by reading books, has an appointment set up with counselor, etc., but I am at a loss for how I should act?

Is she depressed from the loss of her grandma and the divorce of friends added to the issue?
Do I leave her alone to sort out what she wants for herself?
Do I encourage her to stay at her parents for awhile (she's already spent one night there)?

I can't even come to grips with losing my best friend and lover right now, I know life will go on, but don't think I will ever find someone so perfect for each other. Right now I basically am just letting her know I love her and will wait around for her to work through her issues, basically leaving the ball in her court. 

Suggestions please....


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## MEM2020

It is really really odd for someone to go from very happy/in love to where she is now. Did she express distress/frustration with the "mom issue and lack of compliments issue" prior to 6 months ago? Even if she didn't speak the words, did her body language reflect frustration about these issues? 

As for the "pay attention" compliments comment. Simple question. Do you pay as much attention/compliment HER as much as she does to you? If so, then I think you might have a whole different issue which is her falling for someone else. 

What would happen if you sat her down and very calmly told her that no matter how things play out, if she is honest with you, things will be ok. And then ask her if she has fallen in love with someone else. And press a little - "so there is no one you text a lot, talk to a lot on your phone? No one you email a lot, talk a lot and have feelings for?"

Because her reasons seem VERY odd to me unless she is in love with someone else. 



MrHurting said:


> I married my high school sweetheart after college and have been married 8 wonderful years. We have always been best friends and both enjoy the same things in life like, boating, traveling, cars, hanging out with friends, golf, etc. Neither of us has ever desired kids, and so we have a pretty lavish lifestyle with nice things and spend our weekends traveling, whether it be to the lake, mexico, or to see friends in around the country we are always on the go and enjoying life to fullest.
> 
> The first 3-4 years of our marriage was for the most part good, with what I would consider typical fighting over silly things as we both were young and still growing up. We sat down very maturely and worked through many of our problems. The past 4 years have been the best years of our lives. We never argue, communicate great, and love each other very much.
> 
> The past few months I noticed she had become very distant and was acting very unusual, like nothing I had seen before. The sex stopped, she had little interest in what I was doing, the phone calls and txt throughout the workday stopped, etc. She lost her Grandmother about 10 months ago and is still having a hard time with it from time to time. Additionally, we have another couple whom we are very good friends with going through a divorce. I assumed these things were causing her distance, but last week while on vacation she dropped the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" card on me and says that she lost feelings 6 months ago and has been hiding it.
> 
> I am in complete shock and disbelief. At first she noted that I don't pay enough attention to her, compliment her enough, etc. She also mentioned that she feels like she is always competing for time with me over my mother. We spend probably 6-8 weekends a year with my mother at her lake house, and being an only son she does rely on me for a lot of things, but I try my best to not involve my wife with those or take time away from my wife to eliminate those concerns. We have talked a lot since she dropped the shock on me and she just keeps saying she is scared, wants the feelings to come back, and doens't know why they left. She still loves me dearly I can tell and she cries everytime she looks at me knowing that she is hurting me dearly.
> 
> It's been a week and things seem to be getting worse. She acts normal about chores around the house, or going to dinner with friends, etc., but she can't be in the same room alone with me, can't hug me, kiss me, etc.
> 
> She's really trying by reading books, has an appointment set up with counselor, etc., but I am at a loss for how I should act?
> 
> Is she depressed from the loss of her grandma and the divorce of friends added to the issue?
> Do I leave her alone to sort out what she wants for herself?
> Do I encourage her to stay at her parents for awhile (she's already spent one night there)?
> 
> I can't even come to grips with losing my best friend and lover right now, I know life will go on, but don't think I will ever find someone so perfect for each other. Right now I basically am just letting her know I love her and will wait around for her to work through her issues, basically leaving the ball in her court.
> 
> Suggestions please....


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## MrHurting

MEM11363 said:


> It is really really odd for someone to go from very happy/in love to where she is now. Did she express distress/frustration with the "mom issue and lack of compliments issue" prior to 6 months ago? Even if she didn't speak the words, did her body language reflect frustration about these issues?
> 
> As for the "pay attention" compliments comment. Simple question. Do you pay as much attention/compliment HER as much as she does to you? If so, then I think you might have a whole different issue which is her falling for someone else.
> 
> What would happen if you sat her down and very calmly told her that no matter how things play out, if she is honest with you, things will be ok. And then ask her if she has fallen in love with someone else. And press a little - "so there is no one you text a lot, talk to a lot on your phone? No one you email a lot, talk a lot and have feelings for?"
> 
> Because her reasons seem VERY odd to me unless she is in love with someone else.


The 'mom' issue has been there throughout the marriage. When an issue arises I put myself in my wifes shoes and address it. Then everything goes well for awhile and another issue creeps up, the pattern has continued to the point where I pretty much have very little contact with my mother anymore, so there isn't much more I feel comfortable cutting out.

I admit I probably haven't paid her enough verbal compliments, but instead express myself through hugs, kisses, love u's, etc. I need to do better at that...

She has been a great friend to the husband of the couple seperating by talking and texting back and forth with him A LOT, I also talk him a great amount and he is one of my closest friends. I know he would never go down the road you are suggesting, but I do speculate that their friendship somehow spawned some feelings and are playing a role. Can't say she has feeling for him necessarily, but for a new relationship that has that 'new' feeling maybe???


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## MEM2020

If her "love language" is words of affirmation and HE is talking to her that way - well that could be a very stark and ugly contrast to you if your transmitting love through touch but that isn't what she needs.




MrHurting said:


> The 'mom' issue has been there throughout the marriage. When an issue arises I put myself in my wifes shoes and address it. Then everything goes well for awhile and another issue creeps up, the pattern has continued to the point where I pretty much have very little contact with my mother anymore, so there isn't much more I feel comfortable cutting out.
> 
> I admit I probably haven't paid her enough verbal compliments, but instead express myself through hugs, kisses, love u's, etc. I need to do better at that...
> 
> She has been a great friend to the husband of the couple seperating by talking and texting back and forth with him A LOT, I also talk him a great amount and he is one of my closest friends. I know he would never go down the road you are suggesting, but I do speculate that their friendship somehow spawned some feelings and are playing a role. Can't say she has feeling for him necessarily, but for a new relationship that has that 'new' feeling maybe???


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## tandeakwesede

I am a new member (Just signed up tonight), and I carefully read your story. Her behavior is definitely weird. It should take more than just 6 months to even start thinking about breaking the kind of relationship you described. I don't know if you have already done so, but you need to take her out (Pick her favorite place), and engage her in a straight/serious conversation about what she needs. Perhaps, you might need to talk about specific names of people you think she might be interested in (as the friend who is getting a divorce). At this point, There is nothing to hide, she seems to be leaving you. So, confront her to find out exaclty where you stand... I hope that was helpful.


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## AliceA

Whatever you do, don't sit back and hope she can sort it out for herself. If your friend is pushing all her 'love' buttons, you need to fight fire with fire. Think back to when you were courting her, what did you do, how did you act etc. You know her better than anyone, that's your advantage.


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## MrHurting

MEM11363 said:


> If her "love language" is words of affirmation and HE is talking to her that way - well that could be a very stark and ugly contrast to you if your transmitting love through touch but that isn't what she needs.


Yes you are so right!


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## MrHurting

tandeakwesede said:


> I am a new member (Just signed up tonight), and I carefully read your story. Her behavior is definitely weird. It should take more than just 6 months to even start thinking about breaking the kind of relationship you described. I don't know if you have already done so, but you need to take her out (Pick her favorite place), and engage her in a straight/serious conversation about what she needs. Perhaps, you might need to talk about specific names of people you think she might be interested in (as the friend who is getting a divorce). At this point, There is nothing to hide, she seems to be leaving you. So, confront her to find out exaclty where you stand... I hope that was helpful.


Weird part, is behavior has only been going on for few months, she just says been having feelings for 6 months. She is really being great trying to figure out why she has lost her feelings and has been very willing to talk and go to all extents to figure how to fix it, cause she doesn't want to end anything. 

She just says she needs some space to figure things out with counselor, etc. and that is so hard to be around the house because she just breaks down crying when she sees how much I am hurting.

I can sure start fighting fire with fire, but in all likeliness there is more to the whole situation that either she hasn't told me, or more likely she hasn't discovered herself yet???

Thanks for all the ideas/encouragement, keep'em coming...


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## AliceA

First of all, I think you both need to make a commitment to stay together for a duration, say 10 weeks, while you work on how to sort through this. Think of this as a contract, so you both feel safe during this time to try and get your marriage back on track without one person deciding to walk out. It'd be pointless doing this if she's having an emotional affair, that would have to end before any of this would be helpful.

It'd probably be of great help to see marriage counselor together during this time.

Then, ideally with her help, you would have a list of things you can do that your partner feels are loving behaviours that you can do for her. She should also do this for you, but that might be beyond her right now, I don't know. The list might be long, but you only need to pick and choose a couple of things off the list randomly each day, try not to be predictable and don't expect to get anything back from it, it's meant to be loving selfless gestures. These things might include: a 10min backrub, giving her 3 compliments for the day, getting her flowers, brushing her hair, making her favourite meal, telling her how much you appreciate her for doing this or that... etc

This is to help her feel more loving towards you while you work things out. Just a suggestion.


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## MEM2020

Are you going to ask her if there is "another" man she has feelings for?




MrHurting said:


> Weird part, is behavior has only been going on for few months, she just says been having feelings for 6 months. She is really being great trying to figure out why she has lost her feelings and has been very willing to talk and go to all extents to figure how to fix it, cause she doesn't want to end anything.
> 
> She just says she needs some space to figure things out with counselor, etc. and that is so hard to be around the house because she just breaks down crying when she sees how much I am hurting.
> 
> I can sure start fighting fire with fire, but in all likeliness there is more to the whole situation that either she hasn't told me, or more likely she hasn't discovered herself yet???
> 
> Thanks for all the ideas/encouragement, keep'em coming...


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## MrHurting

MEM11363 said:


> Are you going to ask her if there is "another" man she has feelings for?


Done...and your suspicions were correct. I asked and after 10min. of silence she couldn't say yes or no, but after I pushed she agreed that if she didn't have feelings for someone else she would be able to say 'no'.

She offerred that she needs to bring up the subject with her counselor this evening, so I at least feel better we have a starting point instead of the constant "I don't know what's going on" I have been getting.

Thanks again for making me open my eyes!!!!


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## MEM2020

MH,
Courageous move. That is a hard question. 

Now - the counselor needs to get her to understand that to give your marriage a fair chance she NEEDS to end contact with the other guy. 

And then during the next few months you two really work on whatever you need to. And for sure that means you working on this love style issue.




MrHurting said:


> Done...and your suspicions were correct. I asked and after 10min. of silence she couldn't say yes or no, but after I pushed she agreed that if she didn't have feelings for someone else she would be able to say 'no'.
> 
> She offerred that she needs to bring up the subject with her counselor this evening, so I at least feel better we have a starting point instead of the constant "I don't know what's going on" I have been getting.
> 
> Thanks again for making me open my eyes!!!!


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## MrHurting

MEM11363 said:


> MH,
> Courageous move. That is a hard question.
> 
> Now - the counselor needs to get her to understand that to give your marriage a fair chance she NEEDS to end contact with the other guy.
> 
> And then during the next few months you two really work on whatever you need to. And for sure that means you working on this love style issue.


Agreed!!!! Fortunately, we have the kind of relationship where I never been afraid to express my thoughts and put things out on the table... I'm a nip things in the butt and move on kinda guy, rather than let things fester


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## MrHurting

We had a 3 day weekend planned this coming weekend, and she has told me she can't bring herself to go. I am considering still going to give me a chance to clear my mind, get away from things, have some fun, and give her the space she is asking for...

Suggestions?????


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## AliceA

There are positives and negatives to that.

Positive: she might miss you, and realise she still loves you etc

Negative: she might see it as an opportunity to spend time with the other guy.


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## loveless1

Be so careful with this one.. first is it the recent divorced guy??? if so dont go on that vacation. take the love busters quiz and ask her if she will also take it ..it help my wife and i.. this whole thing sounds very much like my current sit.only there isnt another man we just spoke a diffrent love language... the 5 languages of love..another must read book 70 something pages and tells alot of diffrence between couples if shes not willing to do those 2 things for the good of the marriage ,,,dont go on vacation with out her!!!the 5 languages of love test is free on line and very good place to start as well as love busters quiz. we learned alot about ourselves... try a keep cool my problem is patience i too want to JUST solve it easier said than done... to be honest if i didnt have 5 yr old twins i would have just left and probley thrown away 12 yrs of LIFE with a good woman ... congrats with your patience there its worth it. sounds like you have a chance to clear this up please do those 2 tests and read that book it speakes volumes good luck and if it helps ur not alone it just happened to me like a month ago same deal im madly in love and thought she was too crazy. good luck.


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## MrHurting

Loveless,

I have downloaded the 5 languages and am going to ask her to complete tonight, mine is done....discussion to follow. It still just amazes me how many people experience almost the identical thing that I am.


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## sisters359

I encourage you to go back to the part you wrote about "fighting over silly things . . ." I have to wonder if you shut her down on things that were important to HER at those times, and "worked them out" by encouraging her to give up taking a stand on things that were important to her. A very happily married person who feels heard and valued--really valued, as in, what's important to her isn't called "silly"--does not fall for another person. I have to wonder if you aren't seeing some of the "Walk Away Wife" syndrome (google it), where she gave up on making herself heard, tried to make the marriage work, and was therefore vulnerable to another.

I could be totally off the mark, but it's an avenue to investigate. Give it some thought and maybe investigate with some questions--did you "convince" her that things she valued weren't important enough to care about? Did she want you to make changes you "convinced her" didn't need to be made? Whatever it turns out to be, I feel for you and hope your "move on" attitude helps you through.


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## Atholk

Needs to break it off with the other man. He's probably well aware of what he's doing.

When it comes to getting a woman "best friends" can go out the window.

Be advised.


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## turnera

She's having an affair.


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## MrHurting

sisters359 said:


> I encourage you to go back to the part you wrote about "fighting over silly things . . ." I have to wonder if you shut her down on things that were important to HER at those times, and "worked them out" by encouraging her to give up taking a stand on things that were important to her. A very happily married person who feels heard and valued--really valued, as in, what's important to her isn't called "silly"--does not fall for another person. I have to wonder if you aren't seeing some of the "Walk Away Wife" syndrome (google it), where she gave up on making herself heard, tried to make the marriage work, and was therefore vulnerable to another.
> 
> I could be totally off the mark, but it's an avenue to investigate. Give it some thought and maybe investigate with some questions--did you "convince" her that things she valued weren't important enough to care about? Did she want you to make changes you "convinced her" didn't need to be made? Whatever it turns out to be, I feel for you and hope your "move on" attitude helps you through.


I am sure you are correct and it's playing into part of the situation, otherwise she would have had little reason to pull away in the first place. I appreciate your insight.


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## MrHurting

Had a good conversation last night about 'the other man' and she came clean about it. It was/is definitely an emotional affair and not physical, but had he been interested in return she maybe would have. She's been friends with the guy for over 15 years, so to him nothing would have seemed different nor did it, but she grew feelings and held them inside. Once I let him in on my suspicions he even confronted her about the 'feelings' and she would not admit to him that they were there. Today am in limbo, not sure which direction she is headed, nor am I sure what direction I want to head....feeling cheated on in a round about way! We did go through the 10 emotional needs test and that was GREAT for the both of us, but we did not get into any other issues, as they are not important if she's not willing to try...


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## turnera

Get the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders and ask her to fill it out, so you'll know what you've done wrong. That way you can specifically cut out those harmful things that push her away from you.


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## MrHurting

turnera said:


> Get the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders and ask her to fill it out, so you'll know what you've done wrong. That way you can specifically cut out those harmful things that push her away from you.


Interestingly enough, we did that too and I only had two pages that I could come up with items for, AND she only had ONE page that she claimed were items that were issues. 

I am I wrong to think that maybe things weren't that bad and there was/is just very little compromise on the other end of the stick??


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## turnera

What is she saying she is going to do now?


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## Marduk

turnera said:


> What is she saying she is going to do now?


GREAT point.

SHE is having feelings for someone else. It's pretty apparent you're willing to work on things. If she isn't then this isn't going to work.

I went through this a long time ago and my wife agreed not to see the other guy she was having feelings for again but never really owned up to what she really did until a long time later.

Is your wife...
willing to end the relationship with this guy?
-or-
willing to choose losing you to have chance at having a relationship with him?

In my opinion no life decision takes longer than a week to decide (from a marriage counselor long ago that I found to be good advice). My advice would be to give her a week to decide. If she hasn't given you a clear decision by then I'd be ready to make the decision for her.

But I can be a bit of a hardass , so take that for what it's worth.

On the other hand it seems a bit weird -- could there be other things going on (depression, hormones, etc) complicating the situation whereby she's acting out and maybe is genuinely confused by what she's doing and feeling?


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## MrHurting

Well I asked that question too, and didn't get a response.....yet! I'm gonna give it a week, but am already prepared to make my decision. In everyday life and work environments I am a very laid back and easy going person, but can also a hardass when it comes to crap like this. Pretty much have a high on life at all times, and live by my motto that "life's to short".

Today, she's acting 180 than the past several weeks, like absoultely nothing every happened and everything is back to normal...ummm I think not, but I will play along til she makes her decision!


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## Marduk

Best of luck man. Hold fast. 

I've found in the past sometimes being clear and holding the line sometimes clues someone in. If there's no consequences it's easy to live in la la land.

Remember no matter what you can survive this and you deserve to be happy too.


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## MEM2020

Good for you. There are 3 possible outcomes:
1. She wants to stay, realizes what she did was wrong, asks forgiveness and commits to avoid that type situation in the future.
2. She wants to stay and is adamant she did nothing wrong, you are an insecure person for giving her a hard time. Etc.
3. She wants to continue seeing him

1 is best. 3 is second best as you will end it. 2 is the worst outcome for you to tolerate because it is a huge statement of disrespect. And it implies that a repeat episode is likely. 

It is healthy as part of 1 for her to explain how you can do some things differently that will help "affair proof" your marriage. That however is very different than 2. 2 is basically a refusal to commit to the marriage and to you. 




MrHurting said:


> Well I asked that question too, and didn't get a response.....yet! I'm gonna give it a week, but am already prepared to make my decision. In everyday life and work environments I am a very laid back and easy going person, but can also a hardass when it comes to crap like this. Pretty much have a high on life at all times, and live by my motto that "life's to short".
> 
> Today, she's acting 180 than the past several weeks, like absoultely nothing every happened and everything is back to normal...ummm I think not, but I will play along til she makes her decision!


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## MrHurting

#2 isn't an option....I'll be out the door, wait I mean she'll be out the door.


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## jeffreygropp

You need to decide if you are willing to be with her now that it's clear there is someone else. If you are, SHE needs to change - not you. If she doesn't want to, you need to move on.


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## MrHurting

jeffreygropp said:


> You need to decide if you are willing to be with her now that it's clear there is someone else. If you are, SHE needs to change - not you. If she doesn't want to, you need to move on.


Well I think we both need to change to make the relationship stronger and what each individual needs from it.


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## MrHurting

Well after 3 sessions she finally spilled the beans to her counselor that she was talking to someone else. She hasn't shared much other than her counselor told her she can't have two relationships, duh.....but she has stopped talking to the 'other man'!! 

She invited me to a session yesterday, which I was reluctant to go to since she was already seeing the person on her own. We discussed seeing someone different, but I figured in 3 sessions they couldn't have gotten very deep and so at the expense of starting from scratch I went. I don't know that we discussed anything we hadn't already discussed on our own, but it was nice to have a completely third parties opinion and she asked some questions that made us each think. 

The biggest gain I think from day 1 was that the counselor sent us home with an assignment to make a list of 20 things each one of us can do for the other and then make sure we do at least one thing a day for the other person. We haven't had much interaction the past weeks and this will force some interaction. Basically, it told my wife that she can't expect to gain feelings for me again if she doesn't force herself to allow me to do things for her and visa versa.


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## turnera

You need to tell her that she has to earn back your trust by being completely transparent - i.e., letting you check her phone and computer whenever you randomly ask for it. If she won't do that, she's still seeing him.


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## MrHurting

turnera said:


> You need to tell her that she has to earn back your trust by being completely transparent - i.e., letting you check her phone and computer whenever you randomly ask for it. If she won't do that, she's still seeing him.


Agreed, her phone never used to leave her side, now she leaves it laying around the house instead.


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## MrHurting

Well it's been several weeks and I thought I would post an update to my situation.

She has FINALLY committed to stopping all communication with TOM.

We have started seeing a marriage counselor together and we both really like the gal. The few sessions we have had, have been great. Although we communicate just fine on our own, the counselor asks questions that both make us think about how we are really feeling. It is encouraging to me that our counselor sees hope for us and at times seems very surprised at how well we get along and communicate. Instead of fighting about issues we talk them out calmly, which I feel is very healthly versus screaming at each other like I know many other couples do.

My question to you all is how long should I expect to have to wait for my wife to start showing some signs of feelings for me? 2 months, 6 months, 12 months?? And what signs should I be expecting??

We have been spending evenings, and weekends together doing both regular day to day activities, and also 'date' like activities just the two of us. We have also had a few evenings out with other friends/couples just to try and keep things relatively normal. If you observed us you would not think anything was wrong as she is trying very hard to act like a normal couple, however she is not open to any contact between the two of us, and I am not talking sexually, I am talking holding hands, hugs, looking into each others eyes, etc. This frustrates me to no end, but I am trying my best to not show it in hopes that will return in time.

The most frustrating part I guess is that we were tasked by our counselor to make a list of 20 things we wanted our spouse to do for us, and required to do at least one thing each day even if we didn't want to. On her list were items, like rub my neck, hold my hand, give me hug, and these are some of the things she isn't open to.....

You all have been great for me , anymore advice???


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## turnera

First I would ask her why she put those things on her list if she won't allow them. Clear the air.

She is still grieving the loss of her 'friend.' You have to give that time. My mom died in January and I still cry when I think of her.


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## MrHurting

turnera said:


> First I would ask her why she put those things on her list if she won't allow them. Clear the air.
> 
> She is still grieving the loss of her 'friend.' You have to give that time. My mom died in January and I still cry when I think of her.


Thanks Turnera!!

I agree with your comment about the loss of her 'friend', and I understand that it will take time. She is still greiving greatly from the loss of her grandmother from last November, so she heals slowly. I also understand that every person recovers at different rates. I am just trying to prepare myself for the long haul and also prepare myself to know when to say I have expended all efforts...


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## turnera

I usually recommend that you give yourself a set deadline, whatever you think you can handle. Six months, one year, 3 months...and stick to it. Let her know that you are committed to the marriage, but you won't remain indefinitely if she can't commit her heart.


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## MrHurting

Part of me thinks she is comparing our relationship to the 'infactuation' period she was having with TOM, expecting our marriage to be just like that. Most of what I have read, says that period only lasts for a short time, say 1-2 years. Me being the only person she has ever dated and visa versa it makes me question if she even knows what "being in love" really is suppose to feel like????


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## turnera

Have you shared that knowledge with her? This would be a good time to explain to her that she was dealing with brain chemicals that made it 'seem' like utter love or whatever nonsense she uses. Learning that may help her get over it sooner.


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## BlueEyedBeauty

​*This is going to be hard to say*
But it really sounds like she is cheating on you, when someone is cheating on their husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends or whatever else they may be; things change- the kissing will either slow way down, the "I love your's will not be as often- or will stop, the way they make love with you will change or will also stop as well... Those right there are signs of cheating. Also it could also mean that the person is under depression. Just by reading your words though- it sounds like she is really trying to put things back together between the two of you. All I know though is- when someone really loves the person that they are with they would not go around cheating on them- they would go to the person and talk things out; to see if they are able to save the marriage or whatever else it may be that they have going.​
When you are with the person​Then you, are to give that person your whole self- not just part of your heart and soul. That would be like- someone saying "I love you, but I also love him" that is something else that just cannot be. Love, is something very confusing and very hard to understand. Once you do find the right one, your one true love, the one you are so in love with, would do anything for, would die for them and so much more. That love is very rare- and should always be treated as a treasure and something you, would never want to let go of... Now, I know this is the love, you are feeling for the wife that is in your life. But, you know "If it is true love it will not ever die" You, need to really sit down and have a talk with her.​
You, need to find out if she​With someone else; then if she, tells you,"no" you should trust her on what she is telling you, seeing that your love her- you will trust her then. Depression does do a lot of things to a person and it can shut them down. Sounds like though you are wanting to give up on what you, have with her just because she has an illness of depression- and the other things she has not been doing around the house. All you can do though is listen to your heart- it will tell you, what you should do....​


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## BlueEyedBeauty

MEM11363 said:


> It is really really odd for someone to go from very happy/in love to where she is now. Did she express distress/frustration with the "mom issue and lack of compliments issue" prior to 6 months ago? Even if she didn't speak the words, did her body language reflect frustration about these issues?
> 
> As for the "pay attention" compliments comment. Simple question. Do you pay as much attention/compliment HER as much as she does to you? If so, then I think you might have a whole different issue which is her falling for someone else.
> 
> What would happen if you sat her down and very calmly told her that no matter how things play out, if she is honest with you, things will be ok. And then ask her if she has fallen in love with someone else. And press a little - "so there is no one you text a lot, talk to a lot on your phone? No one you email a lot, talk a lot and have feelings for?"
> 
> Because her reasons seem VERY odd to me unless she is in love with someone else.


You really do not know what "True Love" really is do you? If you are deeply in love with someone and have true love for that person- then you would know "There is no way you, can fall in love with another person while being with your soul-mate" *HERE IS THE REASON WHY- AND IT IS VERY TRUE...*When you are with someone in your life- what does that mean? You, are giving your _*whole*_ heart and _*soul*_ to the person you are with; which would mean that you cannot fall in love with another one... Because if that would be the case- you are giving your whole self to the person you are committed too; and when you feel that you are in love with another person- it means that you are really just drawling between two loss souls and you are feeling that it is love but is not... To be in love with someone and to love them- would be your whole self, your heart... So, no there would not be anyway his wife is falling in love with the other person- because if she loved her husband her whole heart would be into him- not half of your heart... Love comes from the whole heart just like being with someone it comes from (the whole part of you) I hope now you understand the true meaning of love- and the differences now between being drawling between two souls- and being in love... Once you do see this you would know I am right... Read up on it if you do not believe me


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## Marduk

MrHurting said:


> My question to you all is how long should I expect to have to wait for my wife to start showing some signs of feelings for me? 2 months, 6 months, 12 months?? And what signs should I be expecting??
> 
> We have been spending evenings, and weekends together doing both regular day to day activities, and also 'date' like activities just the two of us. We have also had a few evenings out with other friends/couples just to try and keep things relatively normal. If you observed us you would not think anything was wrong as she is trying very hard to act like a normal couple, however she is not open to any contact between the two of us, and I am not talking sexually, I am talking holding hands, hugs, looking into each others eyes, etc. This frustrates me to no end, but I am trying my best to not show it in hopes that will return in time.


I can be kind of harsh but in my opinion -- you should wait zero days! Don't be a doormat man!

She bailed on the relationship and wants back in. You have needs and deserve to be happy. She knows the deal and sounds like she just has one foot in and one foot out the door. You allowing her to live this way just keeps her going.

If she's done, she's done. There's the door. If she's in she can at least hold your freakin' hand once in a while. Holy smokes. A friend would do that.


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## MrHurting

Well I have been just that, a doormat. After weeks of giving 100% I caught her texting him again this morning....so I kindly asked her to pack her things and get out. I left and when I returned she had packed all her clothes and gone to her parents. I sort of knew in my gut this day was coming, but had hope my gut was wrong. My gut continues to tell me it's a done deal and that she's not willing to re commit herself to the relationship.

Do I continue to show up for couseling sessions, or what next??? 
Do I stay in contact, or shut her out and let her know she had her chance???


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## lobokies

it would be great if no chance to her


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## turnera

It all depends on whether you want her back.


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## major misfit

Ok..you've got a wife that's involved in an emotional affair at the least. If it hasn't gone physical yet, you can probably bet that it's going to. It has NOTHING to do with you. You'd have to understand the dynamics of why someone cheats to know that it isn't you. It's something broken in the person having the affair. No amount of "fighting fire with fire" is going to rectify this situation.
You need to find out EXACTLY what's going on, before you can proceed. Check your phone records. Install a keylogger on the computer. If this sounds like subterfuge, oh well. You're fighting for your marriage here. You can't fight what you don't know. The first thing I'd do is to know EXACTLY what's going on. And she might be willing to tell you a certain amount of it, but it's probably just trickle truth. You need the WHOLE truth, and now.
This is why I'd go into investigative mode, and find out exactly what's going on. That would give you a clearer idea of how to proceed. If you go to marriage counseling, you'd need one that specializes in infidelity issues. Emotional affairs are damaging to a marriage, and can be more harmful than a physical affair can be. 
I wish you luck with this. But please find out exactly what you're dealing with here.


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## MrHurting

major misfit said:


> Ok..you've got a wife that's involved in an emotional affair at the least. If it hasn't gone physical yet, you can probably bet that it's going to. It has NOTHING to do with you. You'd have to understand the dynamics of why someone cheats to know that it isn't you. It's something broken in the person having the affair. No amount of "fighting fire with fire" is going to rectify this situation.
> You need to find out EXACTLY what's going on, before you can proceed. Check your phone records. Install a keylogger on the computer. If this sounds like subterfuge, oh well. You're fighting for your marriage here. You can't fight what you don't know. The first thing I'd do is to know EXACTLY what's going on. And she might be willing to tell you a certain amount of it, but it's probably just trickle truth. You need the WHOLE truth, and now.
> This is why I'd go into investigative mode, and find out exactly what's going on. That would give you a clearer idea of how to proceed. If you go to marriage counseling, you'd need one that specializes in infidelity issues. Emotional affairs are damaging to a marriage, and can be more harmful than a physical affair can be.
> I wish you luck with this. But please find out exactly what you're dealing with here.


Thank you for your advice...


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## Indy Nial

This sounds like my situation, my wife has been confused and wanted space. Basically this new shiny exciting guy lifts the depression she feels and you don't.

She is trying to work out who she wants to be with, you cant change her mind I'm afraid you just have to let her realise and accept it or cut her off and move on.


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## Greentea

I read all your posts here, and I can tell that you are a very gentle,considerate, kindhearted man, sure you love her, you give her a good living condition,treat her well. But that might be the problem, all your kindness, all those years of sweetness, she has forgot what bitterness is and she doesn't know how to cherish it any more, she has forgot how to be gratful. To some people, whatever you could not have in your life, the best. you couldn't realize what in your hands was the best untill you were on the edge of losing it.......
Sorry for the bad english. wish you get over this hardship soon!


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## MrHurting

Greentea said:


> I read all your posts here, and I can tell that you are a very gentle,considerate, kindhearted man, sure you love her, you give her a good living condition,treat her well. But that might be the problem, all your kindness, all those years of sweetness, she has forgot what bitterness is and she doesn't know how to cherish it any more, she has forgot how to be gratful. To some people, whatever you could not have in your life, the best. you couldn't realize what in your hands was the best untill you were on the edge of losing it.......
> Sorry for the bad english. wish you get over this hardship soon!


There is probably some truth to that, but I can't put all the blame on her...I obviously did some things to push her away.


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## MrHurting

Well it's been almost two months since she broke the news to me and I had to make a decision for myself to keep pushing for answers or to back away and let what happens, happen. I took a few days off work this week to think through things in quiet without phones, distractions, etc. and decided it's time to move on with my life. She still can't tell me much of what she would like to see change in the relationship and she can't decide which direction she wants to go. If I haven't opened my heart to someone else, and she decides to come back and commit herself without TOM in the picture I will I gladly give it another try, but for right now I can't continue to subject myself to a situation where she says she is trying with me and then thinking about and talking to TOM.

I feel I am pretty content with my decision (at least for now???), it obviously still hurts but I do feel a small bit of peace with the decision being made. 

Does anyone dissagree with my decision??? I just don't want it to block out an opportunity to rekindle if it's an option.

Thanks to all of you, you have been wonderful!!!


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## turnera

Good luck


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## Amplexor

MrHurting said:


> I feel I am pretty content with my decision (at least for now???), it obviously still hurts but I do feel a small bit of peace with the decision being made.
> 
> Does anyone disagree with my decision??? I just don't want it to block out an opportunity to rekindle if it's an option.


I do not disagree with your decision. You cannot live a life with her waiting for the other shoe to drop and keep you sanity. I delivered a similar ultimatum to my wife about her EA and she knew I was serious. She did end it and we did recover our marriage. Maybe your wife will finally see the situation she created and really commit to the marriage. Sometimes a wayward spouse simply needs a jolt. Stick to your guns.


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## BigBadWolf

Amplexor said:


> Sometimes a wayward spouse simply needs a jolt.


Not merely "sometimes"! 



> Stick to your guns.


Absolutely!



MrHurting,

I am reading this post and agreeing 100 percent on your actions.

A woman in an affair, if it is the "I love you but not in love with you" and "needing space", this is just merely to let her husband down easy and not crush him all at once, and the "space" is space to continue seeing the affair man. 

Of course at this point you are already knowing these things.

Your frustration, it is understandable, to put into repairing the marriage andthe reconciliation 100 percent, and to see your woman, being dishonest and still trying to eat her cake and have it too with the affair man.

When there is an affair man in the picture, there is no reconcilliation for the marriage AT ALL until he is out of the picture.

LIke the heroine addict, to feed the emotional high is always the priority, every else is either a means to this end or merely a hindrance.

So understand this, yourself, and all good men reading this who need to know these things, for when a woman is caught in the "confusion" between her man and some affair man, for you the good man is only one course of action.

A woman in this scenario, do not wait for her to make "a decision". 

She is only be waiting herself to see which man lights her fire the most, which will be the man who will fight for her the most, which man is (making her feel) more sexually attractive, and this will be the man she will be connected to.

So you see, in these scenarios, it is never for any benefit to "wait and see" in away way shape or form. 

It is simply this, and always this, for you to make the decision for her.

For whether or not down the road if you want to reconcile or cut her loose, regardless, either way still, to show you are not a weaker man that is going to share your woman with some affair man, that you are worth the respect and commitment 100 percent from your woman. Period. 

To demonstrate this to your woman, that you require and command this much respect for yourself, makes you 10 times the man of the affair man, even 100 times the affair man.


So when the good man says "enough", this is the strong medicine necessary to smash the affair and wake his woman from the emotional high of the affair, on this forum the "fog" of the affair, so that once reality sets in, then and only then will rational discussion and communicaiton (and reconciliation?) even be possible.

Until the affair man is out of the picture, this discussion and communication (and reconciliation?), are not going to be possible.

I wish you well.


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## MrHurting

bigbadwolf, that was very well put and I agree with you 100%, at least in my scenario.


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## whatislove

wow! i can't belive how in common our situation is! the differance is that my husband is acting like your wife & i am you! the other differance is that we seem to have been going through it longer. i gave him a choice to stay or go a month & a half ago & he decided to go. but now that he is not living here he is doing more for me then when he lived here. he said it's for the kids but then admited that he missed me & that he's crazy about me. i can't trust it though it doesn't seem long enough. why now after all this time. he said he can't even trust himself, that he may filp flop again. i asked if it was he wants what he can't have, or if he can't stand the thought of me dating. he didn't know. so we are still staying seperated but are still best friends. we are now compleatly honest with eachother. ( i hope) this other woman is in peru & he talks to her on line he still has contact with her but very little. it needs to be NO contact for me to even consider letting him come back, & he needs to figure out what he really wants, but i won't wait around for either. your wife may come around now that you sent her packing but that doesn't mean this is over. you now have to figure out if you want her back & what caused her to stray in the first place. i wouldn't put a time frame on it though. if it is ment to be it will be. i decided to move on with my life with or without him, but i will never stop loving him even with all his flaws. i just don't know if i could live with him again. if you want to know more about my sisuation read my post. it's strangly common to what you are going through.


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## harperdoll

Wouldn't you agree that once a cheater, always a cheater. She can never be trusted again. I think it best you walk away for good.


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## whatislove

usually when someone cheats it's because they weren't happy in the marrage first. that's why i've searching for answers before the affair. the other reason could be depresion or unhappiness within themselves. people tend to lash out on others before they blame themselves for their unhappiness. this is an emotional affair, they feel the need to talk to someone else other then the one their with. this is the first time she "cheated" & i think it's killing her as much as it's killing mrhurting. if she didn't have feelings left for him she would have taken the next step & slept with the guy. my husband would **** talk any man that he knew for cheating on their wife now he finds himself as that guy even though he didn't sleep with her. he hates what he did, he hates who he became. although that doesn't excuse what he did. now i have the burden as to weather to take him back or move on alone. i'm taking things one day at a time, & hopefully mrhurting can too.


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## cookw06

i'm not the greatest with advice. usually i'm always the one asking and not so much giving back but your problem is exactly the same as what i went through this year as well.

my wife and i are also high school sweethearts. we have been together a total of 10 years and this past may she dropped the same bomb on me as well. my wife was distant and ignored me when i was around. exactly the same as you. one day i confronted her about it and she said the same thing, "i love you but am not sure if i am in love with you anymore." i was heartbroken, hurt, and even scared. i didnt know what to do either. she kept telling me that i was the distant one and she wanted things the way they were when we dated. she did recommend that she see a therapist and she did for about 4 or 5 sessions. 

this all happened to me mothers day weekend. and it made it even more tough for me because i lost my mom last december so it was the first mothers day without my mom. i never saw a counselor but i discussed the issue with friends and family asking advice and even asked on here. everyone said they would support my decision but the best advice would be to stand beside her. and that is what i did.

my wife is a school teacher so she has summers off. we had a planned vacation to california in july. she left 2 weeks earlier to visit family and i met her for the 3rd week. and 3 weeks after vacation she went home to ny for 5 days to visit her mom. this was the greatest thing for us. when i met her in california, she seemed like her old self again, gave me big hugs and sex now was back in the picture. it was a great week even though in the back of my mind i was constantly thinking about the situation. when she eventually came back from ny, she had a heart-to-heart talk with me. she said, "i am so sorry for putting you through all of this. i appreciate you standing by me through all of this. not too many men would. i love you." i also found out the main cause of all of this. in february we got news that we were going to have a ton of trouble concieving for children. it hit her hard at the time and i told her i would do whatever it takes to get through it and pay whatever medically to try to have children. she eventually calmed down and was ok with the fact and then came this issue. it was in the end of august when she told me this and things have been perfect since then.

my advice is definately stand besides her and support her and love her and do whatever you can without smothering her. also, mention a trip for herself away with friends and family for a period of time. i wanted to give up so many times because i didnt know what to do and i didnt want to but i even looked into divorce just because it seemed logical. definately be there first! good luck.


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## MsLady

You made a good move. When a woman is behaving like that (and you've been a loving, respectful, caring husband all along), the WORST thing you can do is be mopeing for her AROUND her and turn yourself inside out trying to please her. She'll just lose more and more respect. "Needing space" means she wants to feel your absence. She wants to miss you. She wants to know what kind of space you have been filling up in her life because sometimes it's been so long that you don't remember. So the best move is to back away with your dignity. Leave her to her thoughts and struggles and say "call when you figure it out". And then don't stalk, don't plead, don't beg, don't pester. THAT'S what will get her attention. It also leaves a lot of room for Mr. Romeo on the other side to f*** up. All those bad feelings that she's been blaming you for, she will suddenly have to own as her own ... or put them on the other guy. You are out of the line of fire.

If you are the ONE, this is the way that will let her clear her mind and come back to you. The absence of you is key in that process. If you are NOT the one, then you'll know soon enough and will at least end with your dignity. People in your situation often destroy whatever hopes may be left by behaving desperately, pathetically, loserish ... that can only serve to make you that much more unappealing. That's the nail in the coffin.

Leaving her be doesn't guarantee that she'll come back. But pestering her almost guarantees that she won't.


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## Rob774

breeze said:


> There are positives and negatives to that.
> 
> Positive: she might miss you, and realise she still loves you etc
> 
> *Negative: she might see it as an opportunity to spend time with the other guy*.


^This!!!
When i read above when the OP mentioned she needs her "space." I'm been giving advice long enough now to know that "space" is code word for ... i'm going to shag this dude and see is there anything about him more this his penis. 

Tread carefully my friend. If she wants this to work, she'll make the necessary adjustments in her life to make this work. If she doesn't, she'll drag her feet. Since you guys don't have any kids..as painful as it is to walk away, it is 10x easy when its just the 2 of you.


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## MrHurting

Well for me, I think in my gut I knew it was probably over and I was right. My wife moved out two weeks ago and I let her have her space, because that's what she wanted. She came over yesterday to tell me she had made her decision to end it. She is a great woman, but also a very 'dependent' person and has a hard time thinking for herself logically. Almost every decision in our 8 year marriage I was forced to make. My job allows me to be able to read people's facial expressions, etc. and evaluate to a ceratin degree what they are truly thinking in there head. I asked her yesterday if she thought she might regret her decision to leave someday, and without hesistation she said that she is very scared she will. I got a very strong perception that she knows she is leaving for the wrong reasons and is running from something other than our marriage but isnt' a strong enought person inside to come to grips with that.

At this point I am largely dissapointed I can't help her or that she can't get help for herself, but I am at peace with the fact that she made the decision and not myself to move forward with divorce. Had I got fed up waiting for a decision and made that decision, I know in my heart that when she realizes she made a mistake I would have to live with the guilt of ending it.

So now all that's left to do is get through the next few months of splitting assets, and keep my head up and onward. Fortunately, I have the support of each and every friend I have, as well as, my family and HER family. I know in my heart that I will be fine and will find someone who is strong hearted, committed and just head over heels for me. 

To all those going through problems, it may sound hard to understand but you WILL know when it's time to walk away, and when you do, don't look backwards, but look forward and don't settle for anyone that's not 100% of what you need in your life.


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## Greentea

Sorry to hear that.
There are a lot of things on the earth we don't want them to happy but they just happen. Sometime, it's so desperate and painful to watch somebody we love going on a wrong path but we are not able to pull them back.
I believe that you are a good man, you have tried your best ,you won't and shouldn't feel regreted cause you've tried. 
Every ending is a new begainning.
Good luck to you!


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## turnera

So sorry. Better to leave now than later, when you have no love left.


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## Jellybeans

Turn is right



MrHurting said:


> At this point I am largely dissapointed I can't help her or that she can't get help for herself, but *I am at peace with the fact that she made the decision and not myself to move forward with divorce.* Had I got fed up waiting for a decision and made that decision, I know in my heart that when she realizes she made a mistake I would have to live with the guilt of ending it.


I hear you and agree 100%.

Now it's time to start thinking practically. Have you seen a lawyer yet?


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## MrHurting

Jellybeans said:


> Turn is right
> 
> 
> 
> I hear you and agree 100%.
> 
> Now it's time to start thinking practically. Have you seen a lawyer yet?


Yes, sure have. In fact, everything was final the end of February. Assests have been split and life is good. I have moved on, found an amazing gal that is just fantastic and things seem to be on track for a great 2011. There was several months of anger, but being a strong person I worked through them and althought I thought I was a happy person, I am a much happier person now than I ever knew I could be. I have someone in my life that respects me and goes out of their way to care, I can truly tell she loves me and cares. I can look back now and compare the actions between the two partners and realize now that I wasn't getting the care and attention I deserved.

I message to all, life can go on after divorce, you just have to be strong enough to pick yourself up, get out there and meet people, and make the best of life before it passes you by.


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