# This Continues to Nag at Me



## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

I've been married to my husband for about a year, our anniversary is coming up pretty soon here. I've known him about two years. Things progressed pretty quickly for us and obviously that has lead to some problems because we are still learning how each other work. 

Anyways, this first year has been a roller coaster for us with many ups and downs, mostly growing pains but a big part of it (at least for me) has been different communication styles and trust issues. 

For me, as i'm sure everyone else, trust is really important. I'm the type of person that will give the benefit of the doubt until something does happen. But after that, I have a hard time getting over it and things really don't ever get back to "normal." Just the way I'm wired, wish it was different at times. Lying really upsets me and I need to have things open to feel intimate and secure. 

So enough with the basic back story. And sorry if this is too long but not sure how to convey this without writing an essay. Hope you guys stick through this and can help me out and hopefully help me see things better, or at least give some advice or opinions. 


So when my husband and I first met and started talking, I had a profile on a adult site that I used from time to time to blow off steam. We weren't committed and he wasn't aware that I was using that site. Anyways, a day or so into talking I log onto that site and see that I have a friend request. It's from him! It had pictures of him, private "measurements," some of his sexual likes/dislikes, saw that he had a paid membership and the profile was made recently. I assumed he sent me the request on there because we lived 5 minutes away from each other. 

So the next time we talk on the phone I asked if he had a profile on that site and he said no. So that's when I told him I had a profile on there (explained how I didn't have a pic up) and said he sent me a friend request. I thought the situation was comical and had absolutely no problem about it. And made this known to him. We were both single and still in the stages of getting to know each other. We hadn't even been on a date yet! So I saw nothing wrong with it. 

So this is the kicker, he then said that he didn't make that profile, and hadn't sent me any kind of request and that the profile must be fake or someone else made it. He then asked for the username, which was identical to his email. He went onto the site, requested the "forgot password" option and a reset was sent to his email. He then deleted the profile immediately.

I thought that was a load of BS. Why would someone steal his pictures, use HIS email, describe his *ahem* length, know what his sexual experiences (which weren't much) were and PAY for a membership? That the supposed "hacker or Bot" may not even have access to because they used his email. That makes no sense and I told him so. 

This is where the problem started. I have no problem that he even had an account there but what my problem is that this looks like he's lying. Why even lie about something when I have one too (and actually used it nearly on a regular basis!) and think there's nothing wrong with it? 

After almost two years, I keep going back to this. To this day, whenever it comes up, he still denies it. I've told him what's upsetting is that it looks like he's lying not that he had one. All I want is to know is the truth, him say that he was embarrassed or whatever reason for him lying about it. And move on from it. I feel like I can't move on because it looks like he did make a profile and is *lying* about it. 

I know that it happened when we weren't committed to each other yet, and that's why this is a bit of a gray area for me and even why I went ahead and decided to continue to talk to him, but it's the fact that the whole situation looks like a big fat Lie. What's the likelihood that someone would take his pics, pay a fee, use his email and make an account? 1 in a million? 

So, now, I have some trust issues with him. I don't trust what he says and I feel like I'm always checking up on him to see what he does say is the truth. He hasn't given me any other reason (besides one other that I will describe in another post eventually, sooner than later probably) to not trust him. He treats me amazingly well, very considerate of me, great with my family, comes home from work and spends time with me, I have all of his passwords to things (vice versa), he lets me look at everything and encourages me to do so when I'm having a bout of insecurity and paranoia, is so giving and accepting of all my eccentricities, and very affectionate with me. In all honesty, I feel I have been the one who hasn't been the nicest or loving towards him. 

I feel scared to get close to him (or stay close emotionally) because I feel like he lied to me about that. Something that I felt there was no reason to lie about, so what happens when he does something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't see how he would be honest about a big thing if he wont over something little. This is affecting other areas of our relationship and really starting to wear thin on me and causing so much worry and stress. 

What do you guys think of the situation?
Any advice?
Any ideas of helping me cope or try to get over this?
Am I blowing this out of proportion? 
Anything to help put this is perspective for me?

At this point, anything would be of welcome and much appreciated.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't know how much the membership is, but is there ANY chance a pissed off ex did it? I've heard of angry ex's creating profiles, just not on a casual sex site.

It IS fishy. Now, assuming he's lying, maybe now that he made that story he feels he HAS to stick to it. Yes, most of us would think once we're caught it's time to give it up and admit it. Is he stubborn in other ways? 

I'm not sure if I feel this is a big deal or not, since everything else seems OK.

Maybe it's difficult for him to SAY it. Have you considered writing a letter or an email basically outlining what you said above that it's all plausible except the fact someone would have to pay to do that to him? And all you want is trust and intimacy and you'll never bring it up again if he really did it and admits it?

Obviously you don't want him to admit something that he didn't do but if all signs seem to point to that, maybe telling him you'll never mention it again would help? Perhaps he thinks you'll never let him live it down.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

You knew he was probably lying about the site when you got married but you went ahead anyway. Now you are concerned about it.

I think there is something you are not saying, something that has caused you to distrust him. 

What is that other incident? Does he know that you don't believe him about the dating site?

Perhaps you are simply out the honeymoon phase and now thinking about things you don't like about him and this rises to the top of the list?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It really does seem like he had the profile, and that he is lying to you, but there is a very slim chance he isn't...

Is there ANY answer he could give other than admitting to having the profile and lying to you that would satisfy you, that you would accept? This comes off as if you are more interested in him telling you what you want to hear and not necessarily the truth.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*EnjoliWoman:* 

I suppose there could be an Ex or a buddy of his who could have done it but I don't see why they would use his personal email... He could always change info or get rid of it. That scenario makes more sense to me if they had used a different email and he actually had to go through some trouble of getting it taken down. 

I have not thought of writing him a letter and perhaps that would be a better, non-confrontational way to approach him. Thank you for this suggestion, I will have to write to him and make him aware that I wont bring it up again or "hold" it over him. At this point, I just want to get past this. 

I have told him that I wouldn't stick it to him and all I want is that trust and intimacy. And for him to change his story would be okay. I guess he doesn't believe that it will be? 


*Ladymisato*: 

I went ahead and married him because in every other way, that i described in my earlier post, he's amazing. I definitely agree with you about the honeymoon phase wearing off and I'm seeing more flaws but those are okay. I accept those but the lying is tough for me to swallow especially when i have made it known that's important for me. 

he knows exactly what I think when it comes to that site and knows I feel like he's lying. The physical evidence points to that and I don't see the chances of an angry ex or a bot creating a paid profile. 

The other incidence, which I didn't want to post there because that post was already so long and actually want some replies to it, was over some dodgy info. 

When we were first talking to each other and getting to know one another he told me that he had met this girl (they were never bf/gf but I know he had wanted them to be but didn't because of distance) in Tech school (he's military) for a few days and she left to California for training and that they continued to talk over the phone/facebook for a month or so and someone complained (he wasn't chraged or anything like that but it was more of a warning from his boss) that he had sexually harassed her. 

Of course that was alarming to hear but he said that one of her friends had told a supervisor that he wouldn't leave her alone. So at this point, I thought it was because he was not taking the hint that she didn't want to talk to him anymore and had a pal do it to avoid confrontation. He really doesn't take hints well and will continue to try until he thinks there's nothing left there.

Obviously, I was weary about this but I felt since he was honest about it and disclosed this to me when I asked about his recent relationships/whom he had been interested in, I felt like i'd continue to get to know him. I chalked up to a mistake and hopefully he had learned from it and grow. 

That's when I started thinking about it more and seeing how something more would have to contribute to a girl complaining about sexual harassment. That's when I started to do some serious digging. And asking him more questions about it and researching. He had told me they weren't bf/gf but I feeling like maybe they had been and something went sour. 

So after a month of discreet checking, i got onto his facebook and started reading his convos with other military people from that tech school and saw how he was saying that she was his girl and talking about her like she was his gf. So then I asked him again if they had been together or not and he said they hadn't. He was adamant about it and sticking to that.. So I showed him those messages. Obviously that's when he told the Full truth. 

Apparently, what he had been doing was telling other people that she was his GF when in reality she wasn't. Finally that got back to her and she wasn't the happiest about it and more than likely creeped out. I asked him why he lied to me and he told me he was really embarrassed about it all and felt ashamed that he was lying to other people about that. At this point we were living together and I had fallen in love him. So it was really upsetting but in all honesty I felt relieved that it wasn't over something more serious than that. Obviously, he was really immature by saying she was his GF but I was relieved it wasn't over something more serious. So that's when he lied to me but I can understand why he would and it was before we got together, I'd be real ashamed too. 

So while all this was going on and before I knew what really had happened, I felt like it was fine to have other friends but obviously I had my doubts the she had just been a "friend." One day when we were spending the day together, she sends him a text saying hi and asking what he's been up to. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it and he said since I wasn't comfortable he wouldn't talk back to her and deleted her number and the message since he did have feelings for her before. 

Later that night, I checked his phone discreetly and see a conversation. It was the same girl asking how he was and they did basic chit chat. It was only an hours worth of texting and that was it for the whole month. 

This is why it bothers me:
1. He told me that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore.
2. Her number was under a different name than he had it previously on his phone. That makes it look like he was hiding her number. 

The Gray area: 
1. At this point we were committed but obviously fine with having other friends. Since she had been a friend he thought it was okay to talk to her and because of a previous conversation on the subject of friends that we had. And I think he may have forgotten about me being uncomfortable about her. 
2. I asked him why he had the number under a different name and he said he put it under her middle name. 

I didn't know her middle name, just first and last. HE says that he had told me her full name previously before but I honestly don't remember if he had or hadn't. So I feel like he's either being honest or just saying that to try and confuse me. Either way, it looks like he was hiding her number. 

I'm still a bit puzzled about it all. If that girl made a complaint about him why the hell would she message him in the first place, both times. And FFS why the hec would he even talk to her if she complained about him his military supervisor? Stupid. 


So other than these three reasons, 1. profile site seems like he made it, 2. He lied about the real situation with that girl, and 3. Her number was under a name I didn't recognize. I don't know if he did that on purpose or not. 


So, hope I got that across clearly enough. It's all confusing for me.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*samyeagar*: "Is there ANY answer he could give other than admitting to having the profile and lying to you that would satisfy you, that you would accept? This comes off as if you are more interested in him telling you what you want to hear and not necessarily the truth."



That is what he says. He tells me he's telling the truth and that it would be easier for him to lie to me by saying he had made a profile so i could get over it. 

I just wonder if he's just saying that or what. There's no way for me to disprove what's he saying. Just seems fishy.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

CardReader said:


> *samyeagar*: "Is there ANY answer he could give other than admitting to having the profile and lying to you that would satisfy you, that you would accept? This comes off as if you are more interested in him telling you what you want to hear and not necessarily the truth."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree.

I suppose he could find the person who created the account and have them confess to you, but then you would likely wonder if your husband just put them up to it, and they were lying to cover for your husband...

You do have deeper trust issues with him don't you?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

CardReader,

It seems like your husband is used to telling a lot of half truths. I'm not going to lie, if I was in your same situation I may not have continued dating your husband. I totally get how strongly you feel about people lying, I am the same way too. Because of how strongly you feel about people lying, I am a bit surprised you continued dating someone who told a blatant lie. If it were me, I would've been turned off at his need to lie about something so trivial. More likely than not, I would've backed off based on that alone. That whole situation could've turned into the both of you joking together about being on that site.

It seems like your husband attaches a lot of shame to his actions. The shame makes him lie by omission (half truths) or will flat out lie even when the evidence is overwhelming. 

I would suggest marriage counseling. It seems like he doesn't understand how lies impact you.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

You know what I need to steal your identity if I wanted to (and I don't and would never do so and have never done so to anyone):

Your name
Your birth date

That is it ...a better chance of stealing your identity is your mother's maiden name.

I don't even need your address or phone number or where you work or your sin/SSN number.

It is VERY easy for a stranger to do and utterly, ridiculously easier for an ex, family member or close friend to do...ask my mom what my dad did to her after a 21 year suckie marriage split ...ask how she found out he stole her identity for credit cards and bank loans to feed his gambling addiction...she found out the hard way when trying to purchase a new vehicle...

If the rest of your marriage and relationship are good, learn to let go. You should have fully addressed it then, you are going to ruin your marriage by bringing it up constantly now. You obviously had to have accepted it before getting married to get married...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You just met him when you found out he might have lied.

You started dating him after you found out he might have lied.

You got serious with him after you found out he might have lied.

You married him after you found out he might have lied.

I think it is unfair of you to continue to bring up this issue. Let it go. He might have lied and he might not of. Didn't stop you from getting involved with him. 

Don't let this issue harm what sounds like a very good marriage.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Just to add: if he has given you other indications of lies then obviously this past incident was a red flag. Pursue current issues of lying and deal with those. If he is using fake names in his phone, you have bigger problems than a possible faked or not faked by him or anyone else profile on an adult site from the past.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

CardReader said:


> So, hope I got that across clearly enough. It's all confusing for me.


Thank you, it certainly helped me get a clearer picture of him and you and your marriage.

I don't see anything here that is a "red flag" but lots of typical stupidity that could ruin the marriage, perhaps is already starting to.

Here is what I suggest: put all of this on the table with him. Tell him you're ready to put it all behind you and start fresh but you have an issue with trust that can't be papered over with a promise. Demand that he help alleviate your distrust with positive actions, e.g. willingly sharing his phone, internet usage, etc.

If he is sincere, he will accept that he has damaged your trust and work to rebuild it. Don't let him put you off with the fact that this is not serious stuff. That doesn't matter, trust does.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

jeez anything is possible on the internet nowadays. Normally when you sign up for any sort of site or membership, they want you to verify your email address. That means that someone with access to that email address had to reply to an email the site sent. 

But an ex who had his pics and email password could have easily done it. 

When you say his profile had his pics....pics of what...his face? are you sure it was him? 

I think you are in your rights to demand passwords to any and all such sites, just so that he knows you can check up on any PM's any time your want. But I personally see nothing wrong with having a profile on a site. Just so long as it is used for recreation, and not for cruising for local hookups. In fact, the best sites are the ones where there are few local members...that way you end up chatting with someone in Australia...unlikely to ever get the urge to hook up! lol


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

I think your husband hiding her name under a different name is the bigger issue that you need to address now. He hid her name under a different name because he is still interested in her and wanted to be able to keep in contact with her without you knowing. He wanted to keep her as his plan B.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Let me see if I have this correct....

You were on a website "Adult Friend Finder" ( a website catering to indiscreet, inclandescanded affairs) when you were just so amazed to find...someone who acted, sounded like and could ACTUALLY be your SO. So you fess up. Thinking he would. And he lies. Cuz he doesn't want to be caught in a position that makes either one of you to look like a liar.

I'm thinking... You both have issues.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

Thanks for all of you replying to this and giving me your opinions about this. I really appreciate all the replies, especially the ones with constructive criticism and advice on what I should do now. 

After reading all of these posts, it seems there is a general consensus of "why marry him after thinking he's lying?" Simply put: love goggles, swept it under the rug during the good times, resurfaces during the bad, young and stupid and hoping in some unrealistic fantasy of everything turning out fine with no work. Clearly, you guys and I can see how this is a fine formula for a successful marriage... Not. 

This is why I decided to join this forum. To get others opinions, advice and educate myself so I can come to have a healthy, consistently happier marriage. 



*CantePe *and *CoralReef*:
I didn’t realize how easy it was to steal someone’s identity on the net. I thought more info was needed than name/birthdate. I guess what confuses me about it was that his personal email was used. To do that work, take his pictures from facebook and have personal info listed, just to have it where The real owner of the email have access to it too and can delete or change password so it’s not usable to the person stealing his identity. Puzzles me. 

He hasn’t given me any other reasons than the ones I described in my earlier posts. Thanks for this advice and I will try to focus on if any new lies arise or not instead of past one's where he may have or may not have lied. 

About the fake names, I hope he isn’t doing that. That seems like a whole other can of worms I don’t want. From what I can tell, he hasn’t used someone’s middle name like that again or anything fishy. From the phone records I have checked don’t show anything odd. 


*SadSamIAm *and *Staarz21*:
I’m trying to let it go. He’s really a great man and I care about him deeply. This just sits at the back of my head and I’m always wondering if he was really honest with me or not. I agree with you that it’s not fair to him and I'm working on it. 

I have been harassing him about it. Very guilty of that and will now try to keep this to myself. I can see how it could make him hide things. 


*Ladymisato*: 
A whole lot of stupidity, on both sides. I am going to have a heart to heart with him and do exactly as you suggested. I just want to move on from this and get some sort of relief. Thank you for replying back with your advice. It’s much needed. 


*Murphy5*: 
I did bring up the verification process with him but that really didn’t do anything. The profile pictures were of his face. 


*Revamped*: 
I’m not sure I understand your post completely. I guess your criticizing my use of the website by saying we both have issues?

I used “Adult Friend Finder” because I felt like it was a safer outlet for my sexual needs. Most women my age go out to bars or parties and have one night stands with random men. I’m not judging those who do that but for me, I feel like the safer, STD/Risk free option is to use the chat feature on that site. STDs is something that I don't even want to worry about. In my opinion, using the chat feature was akin to interactive erotica or a raunchy romance novel. I’m sure some will judge me for use of that site but when I was single it was a good option for me. As far as I know, the people I chatted to were around my age and single. I don’t see any issues with using a site for that purpose.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if he is still using online chat stuff, it sounds like AFF is NOT the one to use. It sounds 100% geared to hooking up. Try to get him to move to a more porn or chat/cam only website, where the interest is cyber sex, not hooking up.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

Murphy5:

I think there's a misunderstanding here. He says he was never on it or used it. He said someone else made it etc. When this was going on we weren't committed and where I'm upset about it is becaue I feel like he's lying over some trivial. He doesn't have a profile anymore, he deleted immediately when I told him about it. When we committed to each other I closed my own account. He doesn't have an account either on any site. 

So I'm ruffled over the lying, not the fact there had been any profile. I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.


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