# Problems with desire.



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

Hi there. I have a question for you all.

I`m with my girlfriend for some time (more than 6 years).
In the first three years our sex life was satisfying for me.
Then it all started to get worse and worse.

This came to the extent that started looking at far more ugly girls (mine is quite nice ) and they aroused me.
I talked about this with my friend, and he told me he had the same issue, then he got married, because his girlfriend got pregnant.

After some time me and my GF went through crisis.
After that my libido towards her went up for a year and then again started to vanish.

Lately I even make excuses not to have sex with her, cause she doesn`t turn me on.
I know it`s connected to this crisis we went through.

There were some girls that even when talking to them made me horny. But my GF doesn`t.
I have lots of fantasies, we were trying to improve and it got better, she would do everything I would ask for, besides anal sex, but still I`m not that horny. I don`t feel the rush in my veins, there is no desire. We make love max 2 times a week. Sometimes once a week.

I must say that I feel that I`m not satisfied sexually. I feel that I want to make some mad love with some smaller, skinnier girl, but I want to be loyal, I love her, really really love her.

Besides that she has all the values girls should have. I`m pretty sure very few girls can offer those.
We are engaged and in few months there will be wedding. I don`t want to end it because she is the best girl I`ve known and we get along and understand each other mentally like with no one before.

I wanted to ask you guys, especially those with long relationships/marriages - did you have those issues? Is it just me or it`s just normal?
How often do you have sex with your spouses? Does the longevity of your relationships influence sex frequency?

Lately I was thinking - maybe it`s normal. I see many couples who are married to their first sex partners. I wonder if they have those issues and just cheat secretly, or allow each other to have sex with different people.

Is there anyone with the same problem?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can't change her. You can change yourself, or you can change the circumstances. Often, though, desire declines after a couple of years - the initial hormones that make you horny for each other fade, and what's left is usually your baseline level of desire or libido. Some couples fall deeply in love during this period, so the desire for each other continues at a high level. For many others, it does not, but being together has become a habit and a convenience, even if they don't feel both deep love and desire.

It sounds like you've lost physical attraction to her - you mention interest in "smaller, skinnier" girls. Has she gained weight while you've been together? If she lost weight, would it change things? Or are you just past that point. I will point out that just because she checks all the boxes for being a great gf or wife, does not mean that it's a good idea. There are the intangible things - like attraction - that matter. Love is not enough, nor is being a good person. If you don't click in both ways, it's a superficial relationship, and does neither of you any good in the long run. You're already thinking of cheating - this won't go away. So, fix the problem if there is a fix (and it may require her to motivate herself to lose weight - but she has to know that this is a deal-breaker issue for you), or split up before it gets harder and even more hurtful.

And yes, some couples maintain a high sex frequency and quality for decades. This is true in my second marriage - but not in my first, which is part of why I ended that one.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> You can't change her. You can change yourself, or you can change the circumstances. Often, though, desire declines after a couple of years - the initial hormones that make you horny for each other fade, and what's left is usually your baseline level of desire or libido. Some couples fall deeply in love during this period, so the desire for each other continues at a high level. For many others, it does not, but being together has become a habit and a convenience, even if they don't feel both deep love and desire.
> 
> It sounds like you've lost physical attraction to her - you mention interest in "smaller, skinnier" girls. Has she gained weight while you've been together? If she lost weight, would it change things? Or are you just past that point. I will point out that just because she checks all the boxes for being a great gf or wife, does not mean that it's a good idea. There are the intangible things - like attraction - that matter. Love is not enough, nor is being a good person. If you don't click in both ways, it's a superficial relationship, and does neither of you any good in the long run. You're already thinking of cheating - this won't go away. So, fix the problem if there is a fix (and it may require her to motivate herself to lose weight - but she has to know that this is a deal-breaker issue for you), or split up before it gets harder and even more hurtful.
> 
> And yes, some couples maintain a high sex frequency and quality for decades. This is true in my second marriage - but not in my first, which is part of why I ended that one.


Thanks for the reply. Before we started dating I had a few girls, but it was nothing serious and it were rather short relationships. I must say i really do like girls to the extent I sometimes think I`m erotoman 

In the beginning she was a bit bigger, because she was eating large amounts of chocolate and sweeties  But it was not important for me because we had really good chemistry going on between us and I was horny as hell  Still she wasn`t fat. She is beautiful.
She lost weight. She is good looking. I see other guys looking at her.

But I ever since i remember I liked really small and skinny chicks.

Can I ask you for how long do you have the second marriage and how often you have sex with your wife? Do you still feel desire for her? Do you think about having sex with other women? And finally did you quit the first marriage because you lost attraction for your wife or she was making problems connected with sex?


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Do you watch porn? It desensitizes you to normal sexual arousal and people look at more and different things to become aroused.

Look up nofap if this could be an issue


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

The reason we fall madly in love and have those intense feelings is because nature made it so. It for the survival of the the species. Those bonding hermones only last so long. After that being in a relationship takes work and effort. You both have to put the effort in to make sure that those feelings get nutured in order to grow. You are not going to feel that newly in love feeling all the time. All relationships go thru cycle. That is normal.

However, what you seemed to be feeling is that you have lost attraction for her. You no longer desire her. Just because you love someone does not mean you desire them. There are all kinds of love. I am sure you know that. 

Be very careful. Dont make a decision to marry someone unless you really cant live without this person. And this person check all the boxes for you( whatever they are). Because of how you are feeling, I fear you might end up cheating in your marriage. You dont want to do that.

You should really think on this. Marry because you want to. If you dont see her again, you would be devasted and lose your soul. Is this how you feel?


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Do you watch porn? It desensitizes you to normal sexual arousal and people look at more and different things to become aroused.
> 
> Look up nofap if this could be an issue
> 
> ...


There was a period in which I did in fact. It was better than cheating. From some time I don`t masturbate at all, because I thought this was the case. There was even a few times when I lost erection during sex. It`s really devastating feeling and it`s connected to the crisis we went trough.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You are no longer attracted to your fiancee. Why on Earth would you want to vow lifetime sexual exclusivity to a woman you don't want to have sex with? Are you ok with basically being in a friendship with legal benefits and liabilities until you die?


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> The reason we fall madly in love and have those intense feelings is because nature made it so. It for the survival of the the species. Those bonding hermones only last so long. After that being in a relationship takes work and effort. You both have to put the effort in to make sure that those feelings get nutured in order to grow. You are not going to feel that newly in love feeling all the time. All relationships go thru cycle. That is normal.
> 
> However, what you seemed to be feeling is that you have lost attraction for her. You no longer desire her. Just because you love someone does not mean you desire them. There are all kinds of love. I am sure you know that.
> 
> ...


Three years ago she almost left me. At that time I just couldn`t let her go. I knew I couldn`t live without her.
Now she is out of town and I told her I have things to think through before getting married. We agreed not to have contact for one week. And i feel that this is good for me.
But I don`t know how would it be when we would really break up, when I will be about not seeing each other ever again.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

your not into her .

time to move on.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> You are no longer attracted to your fiancee. Why on Earth would you want to vow lifetime sexual exclusivity to a woman you don't want to have sex with? Are you ok with basically being in a friendship with legal benefits and liabilities until you die?


THAT`S the question 
I can see that you`re being married for a long time. Can i ask you about the frequency of sex with your wife? Do you have sexual problems with her?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mayor said:


> Thanks for the reply. Before we started dating I had a few girls, but it was nothing serious and it were rather short relationships. I must say i really do like girls to the extent I sometimes think I`m erotoman
> 
> In the beginning she was a bit bigger, because she was eating large amounts of chocolate and sweeties  But it was not important for me because we had really good chemistry going on between us and I was horny as hell  Still she wasn`t fat. She is beautiful.
> She lost weight. She is good looking. I see other guys looking at her.
> ...


It sounds like you have a range of body types that you find attractive. But you're noticing the smaller women now because your wife isn't interested - it's mainly frustration, I think, that's leading you to have more interest.

My second wife and I have been together over 17 years, married about 10. We still have sex about daily, so it ranges from 5 to 10 times a week. We've slowed down over time - it used to be at least twice a day in the early years. We both make an effort here, both initiate, and keep finding ways to make it interesting. Yes, the desire is still there, but we're getting old enough that hormones are declining, so it takes more intentional effort on our parts. (As for us thinking about sex with other people: yes, we both do; and, we have been poly, have been swingers, and have an open relationship, so we've even had sex with others. It's mutual, consensual, and fully agreed to, though - and in recent years we've done less of this.)

My first wife had low libido, which only became apparent right after we got married. Over time, the marriage became increasingly sexless and without affection, we had less in common, and she had - and caused - other problems as well. One of my best decisions ever, was to divorce her.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Mayor said:


> Thanks for the reply. Before we started dating I had a few girls, but it was nothing serious and it were rather short relationships. I must say i really do like girls to the extent I sometimes think I`m erotoman
> 
> In the beginning she was a bit bigger, because she was eating large amounts of chocolate and sweeties  But it was not important for me because we had really good chemistry going on between us and I was horny as hell  Still she wasn`t fat. She is beautiful.
> She lost weight. She is good looking. I see other guys looking at her.
> ...


Be wary of always wanting what you don't have. If you would leave your fiance and eventually dated a skinny girl, you might start to long for your fiance's body type. 

I married a lady who I had strong physical attraction for. I've know her for 5 1/2 years and still think she's very attractive. My problem is that my wife isn't romantic or communicative and I believe, in contrast to previous girlfriends, that she settled for me. This affects my overall attraction for her. 

With that in mind, I recommend that you delay getting married until you know that you aren't settling for her. Settling for her will lead to her becoming more and more resentful. I hope that you can regain that physical spark for your fiance because high quality ladies that really love you are not easy to find. Yes, there are many quality ladies around, but finding one that loves you much and would do anything for you is the difficult part.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> your wife isn't interested - it's mainly frustration


Didn`t you mean - interesting?

She is far more interested in sex than me.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mayor said:


> Didn`t you mean - interesting?
> 
> She is far more interested in sex than me.


That's what I should have said! You're interested too - just not with her, it seems.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

For us having sexual attractive for each other has gotten us over alot of hurdles. We made mad love and forget what we were upset about. When you have a healthy sex life in a marriage it helps make alot of things easier.

If you can't desire her now...what will happen when years from now she has gain a few pounds. We don't stay the same forever. Even you will put on a few pounds ..lose a few hair on your head...

What will happen when you have kids and life is full and so busy? Will you be able to work on meeting her needs? Will you be able to dreg up the effort to have sex with her?

You will get over a broken heart. Divorce are expensive. They take an emotional toll on everyone involved. Especially if you have kids. 

take time off from this relationship. Date other people. Figure out what you want. Because at this time you should only think of what is important for you.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Mayor said:


> Three years ago she almost left me. At that time I just couldn`t let her go. I knew I couldn`t live without her.
> Now she is out of town and I told her I have things to think through before getting married. We agreed not to have contact for one week. And i feel that this is good for me.
> But I don`t know how would it be when we would really break up, when I will be about not seeing each other ever again.


Exactly, the one week apart doesn't help a lot because you know that you can still have her anytime you want to. Try hard to imagine not being able to see her again next week or next year because she's no longer available.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mayor said:


> THAT`S the question
> I can see that you`re being married for a long time. Can i ask you about the frequency of sex with your wife? Do you have sexual problems with her?


Well, friend, that is a complicated question. 

I'm female. I've been with my husband for 17 years, married for 14 of those years. I was previously married to a man that I was not attracted to and who couldn't satisfy my sexual needs. I had multiple affairs. I fell in love with my last affair partner, divorced, and married him.

We average sex 3-6 times a week. We're compatible in terms of sexual tastes and level of drive. So, no, we don't have any problems.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What are the circumstances around this crisis?

How long did she leave?

Who initiated you two reuniting?

Was there another man involved?


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> What are the circumstances around this crisis?
> 
> How long did she leave?
> 
> ...


She told me she had to have a break to think things through.
She left for a week.
I initiated it.
There was a guy, she says nothing happened, but that seems to bother me and influence our sexual relation, I must admit it.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

Anyone?
Some objective point of view would be really appreciated.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If she needed a break, why did you initiate it?

Do you really believe this man came _after_ her need for the break?

Do you understand why this would bother you and affect your level of desire for her?



Mayor said:


> She told me she had to have a break to think things through.
> She left for a week.
> I initiated it.
> There was a guy, she says nothing happened, but that seems to bother me and influence our sexual relation, I must admit it.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> If she needed a break, why did you initiate it?
> 
> Do you really believe this man came _after_ her need for the break?
> 
> Do you understand why this would bother you and affect your level of desire for her?


I just couldn`t let her go.
I don`t know when he came, but I think that she could`ve met him before.
When we`re making love I have thoughts about it, suspicions.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Of course you do. 

You swept the entire thing under the rug, and now you are scratching your head as you trip over the lump that has formed.

How long have you been together?

How long ago did the crisis occur?

Do you have access to her phone or any of her social media accounts?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

What were the terms of the "break"? For some people, being on a "break" means it's ok to date and have sex. With others, the "break" is a time to work on individual issues and/or relationship issues and dating is clearly forbidden.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Of course you do.
> 
> You swept the entire thing under the rug, and now you are scratching your head as you trip over the lump that has formed.
> 
> ...


Our relationship is 6 years long. It was 3 years ago. I can grant access.


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> What were the terms of the "break"? For some people, being on a "break" means it's ok to date and have sex. With others, the "break" is a time to work on individual issues and/or relationship issues and dating is clearly forbidden.


It was the second one...


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Here is the problem. this was three years ago, so any evidence is likely long gone.

Additionally, without any leverage there is zero chance of you getting at the truth, unless you can bluff with the best of them.

That really only leaves you with two options: 

1. Stay with her and learn to live with it.

2. End the relationship due to lack of trust.

Only you can decide which one of those is right for you.

On a side note, do you know who this other man was? Do you have his name, address, etc.?


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

How old are you both? 

If you are questioning stuff after 6 years together, especially something as important as sexual attraction, it's a sign to move on. You've been pondering this for 3 years? 

Are you afraid of being single? 
You sound like my brother in law, a serial manogomist who took 8 years to leave his girlfriend even though he didn't like her after 2 years! 

Why do you want to waste your time and her time procrastinating? 
What exactly is missing from the relationship that has you questioning? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mayor said:


> It was the second one...


I'm going with the "break" was so she could see if anything would develop with the other guy. 



farsidejunky said:


> Here is the problem. this was three years ago, so any evidence is likely long gone.
> 
> Additionally, without any leverage there is zero chance of you getting at the truth, unless you can bluff with the best of them.
> 
> ...


Essentially, yup.

IF she did have sex with someone else during the "break", she's not going to tell you. IF she didn't, she can't prove a negative. So, either you trust her and just aren't sexually attracted to her anymore or you don't trust her and that's why you aren't sexually attracted to her anymore. Either way, two crucial components of marriage, sexual attraction and trust, are missing


----------



## Mayor (Jul 19, 2017)

Sorry for the confusion, but i created this as a second account just to get your completely unrelated opinion about sex in LTR.
The whole case is described in another topic in General Relationship Discussion called: "I`m about to ger married. I really need an advice."

Thanks for an advice. You are awesome. I`dont know what a foolish thing would I`ve done if I hadn`t found this forum.
REALLY BIG THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------

