# Too scared to date



## rumple9

Well after splitting up with my ex after 21 years I joined a couple of online dating sites. I've been surprised at the amount of interest I've had from some really nice looking and sounding women with good jobs. Swapped a few messages and then I've gone silent when they suggest meeting.

Crunch time has come and I've found I'm scared to actually meet someone. After being 21 years with the same person I worry if they don't like me in the flesh, don't find me funny, find me too serious, find me boring etc etc. This is really scary and I get tongue tied in social situations at best. My ex was my best friend and managed to put up with me for that length of time.

I'm so out of touch with dating I don't even know any ettiquette - do you split the bill, do you kiss on the first date? or kiss on the cheek etc. This is a nightmare. (I'm English by the way we're a reserved bunch).

Give me some advice please.


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## WomanScorned

It is scary to put yourself out there, especially for the first time. But just be yourself. I don't know what the etiquette is for dates. I think it's probably appropriate to split the bill (?). Or one of you buy dinner, one drinks and/or dessert. It's just a thought. I think once you bite the bullet and actually do it once it will get easier. Just remember that the other person is probably nervous, too.


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## PBear

As a guy, I think you should be prepared to, and offer to, pay for dinner, drinks, pedicure, whatever she likes. . If she insists on paying a portion, accept graciously. In terms of holding hands or kissing, I would say a lot depends on the relationship you've built up virtually and go from there. In my experience, if you've been talking online for a couple of weeks already, you're probably ok with taking her hand a couple of times throughout the date as you talk, and at least a kiss goodnight.

But what do I know... On the first date with my current GF, we were getting ready to leave, and she asked me if I wanted to go out to her car and make out. . I had, by that point, kissed her a few times in our restaurant booth, and had been taken her hand frequently when we weren't actively dining. But she said she was pleasantly surprised that I was as forward as I was, as I'm a self-confessed computer nerd. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babyowlsrcute

Are you going on a date with other women your age who are in similar situations? If so, she is probably worried about the same things. Go in with confidence, be yourself, and realize she is just as nervous as you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Me too! 

Then I realized, I have been going out to museums, dances, dinner, movies, kayaking...with male friends. I've been dating under my own radar. :-o

My suggestion is to go out with friends for a while. 
You get the hang of things, it's comfortable, relaxing.

Then when you go out on a date with someone you might not know that well, you know the ropes and won't think too much about it. 

Overthinking a date will definitely ruin it. Stick to the basics. Try to focus more on the here and now than too much questioning about past or future. All that will come naturally once you are settled in and comfortable with a person in the present.


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## LoveMouse

I know this fear of what you speak. I was married for 20yrs and know how different another woman can be, but remember, you had to leave mommy once, now it's time to let go again and get ur feet wet again ......
I had been offered sex a bunch of times while my wife was cheating but that's not what I wanted, I had to have the emotions that go along w/ the sex. I needed to date and let go of the X.
My first date was the most terrifying date of my life but she was a great looking woman and had a wonderul personality.....the horrible part was she almost klled her first husband b/c he cheated w/ her best friend....and she told me this on her first date!!
Now I would be a complete liar if I didn't tell you~ if not for the first date, I would have never met the second date...and the last woman I've dated, we're still together!! 
Fear Not!! Have fun, no pressure.
Mouse


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## Mamatomany

I was the same way. I got married while in high school and never dated anyone as an adult. It had been 27 yrs w/ one man. I actually told my date that and before we met up we talked online and then on the phone. Talking on the phone really put me at ease then when I met them it was like we were old friends. I have now talked to some men and really enjoy it.


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## lamaga

Scared is ok. I'd say meet for lunch or coffee the first time. No pressure about kissing or anything. You have to walk before you can run!


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## rumple9

LoveMouse said:


> I know this fear of what you speak. I was married for 20yrs and know how different another woman can be, but remember, you had to leave mommy once, now it's time to let go again and get ur feet wet again ......
> I had been offered sex a bunch of times while my wife was cheating but that's not what I wanted, I had to have the emotions that go along w/ the sex. I needed to date and let go of the X.
> My first date was the most terrifying date of my life but she was a great looking woman and had a wonderul personality.....the horrible part was she almost klled her first husband b/c he cheated w/ her best friend....and she told me this on her first date!!
> Now I would be a complete liar if I didn't tell you~ if not for the first date, I would have never met the second date...and the last woman I've dated, we're still together!!
> Fear Not!! Have fun, no pressure.
> Mouse


This is exactly me - I don't want sex either - well yes I do but with the right person at the right time. I guess I sound like a wuss but I've been hurt so bad. Really want to take it slow and with the right person. That said I don't want a proper relationship either as I want my own space and time that I haven't had for the last 20+ years. My head is screwed.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

rumple9 said:


> This is exactly me - I don't want sex either - well yes I do but with the right person at the right time. I guess I sound like a wuss but I've been hurt so bad. Really want to take it slow and with the right person. That said I don't want a proper relationship either as I want my own space and time that I haven't had for the last 20+ years. My head is screwed.


Right there with ya. It is so scary when you've been hurt long and deep. What's it--once bitten, twice shy. I'm separated 3 years, divorced 5 months. Haven't held hands with a man in what? 7 years. For me, wanting to be a whole person is no longer about finding my other half. Right now, I have little of nothing to bring. I gotta change that first. 

I started to get attracted to a guy at work for a while there. Until I realized he was a carbon copy of my ex. About face, march.


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## timemachine

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

rumple9 said:


> Well after splitting up with my ex after 21 years I joined a couple of online dating sites. I've been surprised at the amount of interest I've had from some really nice looking and sounding women with good jobs. Swapped a few messages and then I've gone silent when they suggest meeting.
> 
> Crunch time has come and I've found I'm scared to actually meet someone. After being 21 years with the same person I worry if they don't like me in the flesh, don't find me funny, find me too serious, find me boring etc etc. This is really scary and I get tongue tied in social situations at best. My ex was my best friend and managed to put up with me for that length of time.
> 
> I'm so out of touch with dating I don't even know any ettiquette - do you split the bill, do you kiss on the first date? or kiss on the cheek etc. This is a nightmare. (I'm English by the way we're a reserved bunch).
> 
> Give me some advice please.


The trick is to start slow. The first couple of dates should be at something very low key.. like meet somewhere for coffee. By their nature, coffee dates are short. .. one or two cups of coffee, maybe a pastry and it’s over. Each of you should drive there in your own car and leave on your own. These types of dates are meant to meet the person and get your first real life impression.

Then if you like someone start with some low pressure dates where there is something to do.. like an afternoon out at festival, join a hiking group and invite her to go with you, etc.

High pressure romantic dinners are for after a few casual dates if you get that far. 

If you take it slow, kissing and hand holding will come over time when you are comfortable with this.

Figure that you will meet several women before you find one that you really click with.

About who pays… if you invite you pay. If she invites she pays. After the first couple of coffe dates, which you pay for, you can bring this up and discuss it … make a light hearted statement that you have been out of circulation for a while and ask her how it works… suggest that the one who invites is the one who pays.

Personally, I would not go out with a guy who expects that every date will be dutch… I like to be treated on a date. Then when I ask him out I get a kick out of treating my date to something special.


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## cloudwithleggs

You sound like you need time, i know the feeling, i need that too.

I am totally happy making a friendship but not meeting yet.

I've pulled all pics of myself off the dating sites i was on and i don't even visit them now.

There is one guy that text's me, but it had already gone sexual and to me it feels wrong because it started on the wrong footing. That and i'm not sure what we have in common, he is not into gaming, i have this feeling he just wants sex, i am going to talk with him this weekend.

I have a high sex drive, so it is tempting to jump straight in, but emotionally i am not ready.

I think i'd be happier with someone that had never seen me before, so no pre conceived ideas and nothing sexual. 

but to find men that just want friendship is nigh on impossible, so diablo 3 is my friend  i'm a barb :smthumbup:

I am british i don't think we are reserved, well the guy texting me is defiantly not reserved and he is british also.


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## geek down

cloudwithleggs said:


> but to find men that just want friendship is nigh on impossible, so diablo 3 is my friend  i'm a barb :smthumbup:
> 
> I am british i don't think we are reserved, well the guy texting me is defiantly not reserved and he is british also.


Assassin or Rogue for the win babe!!!


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## rumple9

I'm playing Diablo3 too lol its crap


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