# Managing the matrimonial home with kids



## Hope_KT2022 (11 mo ago)

I am not quite there yet but in the process of planning to file for divorce. One of my biggest fears is how to manage the living situation. Im pretty sure my husband will not budge even once i do this and I will not be able to afford temporarily living somewhere else. and have no family of friends I can stay with. He also won't allow the kids to leave or consider a nesting arrangement so not sure how this will work. I know some people do temporarily stay together in the same house why they work through a separation. But I can imagine things will be really intense if we did that and would only comfortable staying if I could get locks on the spare room.

We both also work from home and he rarely ever leaves to go out. So getting a lock on our guest room door would be really hard to even organize. This has been holding me back a bit with next steps as im really worried about the heightened emotions whilst we are still in the same home and dont think im going to be strong enough to do it by myself. Also concerned about the impact on our 2 boys 7 and 10. 

I am curious to hear from others on how they have managed the living situation during the process when their partner has not been willing to compromise on anything. Feeling so lost and scared right now. But at the same time no long term this will be best for us all.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Hope_KT2022 said:


> I am not quite there yet but in the process of planning to file for divorce. One of my biggest fears is how to manage the living situation. Im pretty sure my husband will not budge even once i do this and I will not be able to afford temporarily living somewhere else. and have no family of friends I can stay with. He also won't allow the kids to leave or consider a nesting arrangement so not sure how this will work. I know some people do temporarily stay together in the same house why they work through a separation. But I can imagine things will be really intense if we did that and would only comfortable staying if I could get locks on the spare room.
> 
> We both also work from home and he rarely ever leaves to go out. So getting a lock on our guest room door would be really hard to even organize. This has been holding me back a bit with next steps as im really worried about the heightened emotions whilst we are still in the same home and dont think im going to be strong enough to do it by myself. Also concerned about the impact on our 2 boys 7 and 10.
> 
> I am curious to hear from others on how they have managed the living situation during the process when their partner has not been willing to compromise on anything. Feeling so lost and scared right now. But at the same time no long term this will be best for us all.


You can change the bedroom lock when he's working or sleeping. It's quick and isn't loud. 

Have you talked to a lawyer? He may be responsible for temporary alimony and child support during the separation. That may allow you to get to a safer space.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I would schedule a free consult with a lawyer. Once you separate, you are entitled to half of any money you have together. But set aside the financial aspect for now. A lot of times, moving out of the martial home is a huge mistake. Again, I would get legal advice before doing anything.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Changing a door knob to one that locks is literally at most 4 screws. 2 that hold the sides of the knob together, 2 for the plate on the door, which you don't even really need to change.

I suppose it could be 6 screws, if you wanted to change the plate for the door-frame too.

If you read how to do it and play with the new door knob ahead of time, it should take you no more than 10 minutes once your comfortable with how all the parts work.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Why are you getting divorced?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What exactly is meant by "won't allow"? Why do you imagine it's up to him?

As others have said you need an attorney to advise you. And it would be helpful if we had more details regarding why you want a divorce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hope_KT2022 said:


> I am not quite there yet but in the process of planning to file for divorce. One of my biggest fears is how to manage the living situation. Im pretty sure my husband will not budge even once i do this and I will not be able to afford temporarily living somewhere else. and have no family of friends I can stay with. He also won't allow the kids to leave or consider a nesting arrangement so not sure how this will work. I know some people do temporarily stay together in the same house why they work through a separation. But I can imagine things will be really intense if we did that and would only comfortable staying if I could get locks on the spare room.
> 
> We both also work from home and he rarely ever leaves to go out. So getting a lock on our guest room door would be really hard to even organize. This has been holding me back a bit with next steps as im really worried about the heightened emotions whilst we are still in the same home and dont think im going to be strong enough to do it by myself. Also concerned about the impact on our 2 boys 7 and 10.
> 
> I am curious to hear from others on how they have managed the living situation during the process when their partner has not been willing to compromise on anything. Feeling so lost and scared right now. But at the same time no long term this will be best for us all.


You need to just see a lawyer because clearly you don't know your rights if you think your husband has the right to say the kids can't leave. At some point you're going to be sharing the kids and they are going to leave the house and you're going to have to be able to afford your own place to stay so I would just suggest that you get two jobs right now and start saving money so that you can move out but you need to get the attorney involved first.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Most divorce decrees divide community assets. That means the decree will either give the house to one or the other or force its sale and split any equity proceeds. That means that once the divorce is settled, you should be able to afford some form of housing, assuming that you and your H have equity in your home and you life in a community property state.

Again, talking to an attorney is critical. Once divorce proceedings have started, any attempt by your H to abuse the process can be justification before the judge grant you more favorable terms or institute a restraining order against your H.

You need professional help. Good luck.


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## Hope_KT2022 (11 mo ago)

Thank you all for your responses. I have spoken to one lawyer so far who suggested a court order to push for "exclusive occupancy" of our home which would force him to move out since he will not go on his own. The idea of having to enforce with potentially police if he continues to refuse to leave is a bit scary and worry about the impact on the kids with this approach. Would hope it does not come to that and we can work through this without the heightened conflict. I really would prefer to go through this process amicably without the courts but its probably not realistic. I dont do too well with conflict and high-stress situations which is probably why I've avoided it for so long. Just working on trying to build up my strength to do this as know I'm going to need it.


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## Hope_KT2022 (11 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Why are you getting divorced?


It is now or never


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

If you are in a western country or come from a western country you have no problem.
Going back to the 1970s in the UK I was married to my then first wife.
We had a home and 2 young children together, I was working long hours and she was a stay at home mum.
We used to have our ups and downs as most married couples do but nothing serious.
7 years into the marriage I arrived home from work one evening and she was gone with the kids, including with all her stuff. On the table was a note simply saying, I`ve left you. She went to her parents home a few miles away.
I didn`t know what hit me or why. My wife flatly refused to communicate with me. Then she filed for divorce claiming mental cruelty, which was a favourite excuse at the time advised by her lawyer.
When the divorce was finalised she was awarded the home, full custody of our two children and I was stung for child support and given visitation rights to our kids on her terms. The court bailiffs got me out of the house and I ended up alone living in a bedsit.
After all this happened I discovered she had dumped me for a lover who she moved into what was our marital home after she got me off the scene and later neighbours told me my wife had been screwing with guys in our marital bed while I was at work. This is why she stopped communicating with me until the divorce was finalised. Ironically 8 years later the lover dumped her and she asked me to marry her again. By that time I had moved on, married another woman and my reply to her ended with the word, off.
Here is my point in telling you all this:
In western countries unless a wife can be proven to be an unfit mother which is extremely difficult to do, in the majority of cases the wife gets the home, the kids, child support and alimony.
In the west 80% of divorces are initiated by the wives. All you have to do is without your husband`s knowledge is hire a lawyer and file for divorce. If you cannot afford a lawyer the State will provide legal aid as they did for my first wife.
Explain to the lawyer you are afraid what your husband may do once you file for divorce and fearing for your own safety you want a restraining order against him.
If you are in a no fault divorce State or country it will be easy, if not claim mental cruelty and emotional abuse on his part.
This is probably one reason why your husband is concerned about you leaving him knowing he`ll be screwed via the divorce system and also why when husbands have affairs they rarely leave their wives knowing they have too much to lose if it comes to a divorce.
So if you are serious about getting out of this marriage start seeing a lawyer for advice and weighing up your options.
Back in the UK after my divorce I became a legal executive and had conducted many divorce cases, so I know what I`m talking about.
This is the best advice you can get and I`m giving it for free.
Good luck.


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